Tobias Smollett
The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle
Chapter I
An Account of Mr Gamaliel Pickle The Disposition of his Sister described He
yields to her Sollicitations and retires to the Country
In a certain county of England bounded on one side by the sea and at the
distance of one hundred miles from the metropolis lived Gamaliel Pickle Esq
the father of that hero whose adventures we propose to record He was the son of
a merchant in London who like Rome from small beginnings had raised himself
to the highest honours of the city and acquired a plentiful fortune tho to
his infinite regret he died before it amounted to a Plum conjuring his son as
he respected the last injunction of a parent to imitate his industry and adhere
to his maxims until he should have made up the deficiency which was a sum
considerably less than fifteen thousand pounds
This pathetic remonstrance had the desired effect upon his representative
who spared no pains to fulfil the request of the deceased but exerted all the
capacity with which nature had endowed him in a series of efforts which
however did not succeed for by that time he had been fifteen years in trade
he found himself five thousand pounds worse than he was when he first took
possession of his fathers effects a circumstance that affected him so nearly
as to detach his inclinations from business and induce him to retire from the
world to some place where he might at leisure deplore his misfortunes and by
frugality secure himself from want and the apprehensions of a jail with which
his imagination was incessantly haunted He was often heard to express his fears
of coming upon the parish and to bless God that on account of his having been
so long a housekeeper he was intitled to that provision In short his talents
were not naturally active and there was a sort of inconsistency in his
character for with all the desire of amassing which any citizen could possibly
entertain he was encumbered by a certain indolence and sluggishness that
prevailed over every interested consideration and even hindered him from
profiting by that singleness of apprehension and moderation of appetites which
have so frequently conduced to the acquisition of immense fortunes and which he
possessed in a very remarkable degree Nature in all probability had mixed
little or nothing inflammable in his composition or whatever seeds of excess
she might have sown within him were effectually stifled and destroyed by the
austerity of his education
The sallies of his youth far from being inordinate or criminal never
exceeded the bounds of that decent jollity which an extraordinary pot on
extraordinary occasions may be supposed to have produced in a club of sedate
bookkeepers whose imaginations were neither very warm nor luxuriant Little
subject to refined sensations he was scarce ever disturbed with violent
emotions of any kind The passion of love never interrupted his tranquillity
and if as Mr Creech says after Horace
Not to admire is all the art I know
To make men happy and to keep them so
Mr Pickle was undoubtedly possessed of that invaluable secret at least he was
never known to betray the faintest symptom of transport except one evening at
the club where he observed with some demonstrations of vivacity that he had
dined upon a delicate loin of veal
Notwithstanding this appearance of phlegm he could not help feeling his
disappointments in trade and upon the failure of a certain underwriter by
which he lost five hundred pounds declared his design of relinquishing
business and retiring to the country In this resolution he was comforted and
encouraged by his only sister Mrs Grizzle who had managed his family since
the death of his father and was now in the thirtieth year of her maidenhood
with a fortune of five thousand pounds and a large stock of oeconomy and
devotion
These qualifications one would think might have been the means of
abridging the term of her celibacy as she never expressed any aversion for
wedlock but it seems she was too delicate in her choice to find a mate to
her inclination in the city for I cannot suppose that she remained so long
unsollicited tho the charms of her person were not altogether enchanting nor
her manner over and above agreeable Exclusive of a very wan not to call it a
sallow complexion which perhaps was the effect of her virginity and
mortification she had a cast in her eyes that was not at all engaging and such
an extent of mouth as no art or affectation could contract into any
proportionable dimension then her piety was rather peevish than resigned and
did not in the least diminish a certain stateliness in her demeanour and
conversation that delighted in communicating the importance and honour of her
family which by the bye was not to be traced two generations back by all the
power of heraldry or tradition
She seemed to have renounced all the ideas she had acquired before her
father served the office of sheriff and the æra which regulated the dates of
all her observations was the mayoralty of her papa Nay so sollicitous was
this good lady for the support and propagation of the familyname that
suppressing every selfish motive she actually prevailed upon her brother to
combat his own disposition and even surmount it so far as to declare a passion
for the person whom he afterwards wedded as we shall see in the sequel Indeed
she was the spur that instigated him in all his extraordinary undertakings and
I question whether or not he would have been able to disengage himself from that
course of life in which he had so long mechanically moved unless he had been
roused and actuated by her incessant exhortations London she observed was a
receptacle of iniquity where an honest unsuspecting man was every day in danger
of falling a sacrifice to craft where innocence was exposed to continual
temptations and virtue eternally persecuted by malice and slander where every
thing was ruled by caprice and corruption and merit utterly discouraged and
despised This last imputation she pronounced with such emphasis and chagrin as
plainly denoted how far she considered herself an example of what she advanced
and really the charge was justified by the constructions that were put upon her
retreat by her female friends who far from imputing it to the laudable motives
that induced her insinuated in sarcastic commendations that she had good
reason to be dissatisfied with a place where she had been so long overlooked
and that it was certainly her wisest course to make her last effort in the
country where in all probability her talents would be less eclipsed and her
fortune more attractive
Be this as it will her admonitions tho they were powerful enough to
convince would have been insufficient to overcome the languor and vis inertiæ
of her brother had she not reinforced her arguments by calling in question the
credit of two or three merchants with whom he was embarked in trade
Alarmed at these hints of intelligence he exerted himself effectually and
having withdrawn his money which he had laid out in Bank stock and India bonds
removed to a house in the country that his father had built near the seaside
for the convenience of carrying on a certain branch of traffick in which he had
been deeply concerned
Here then Mr Pickle fixed his habitation for life in the sixandthirtieth
year of his age and tho the pangs he felt at parting with his intimate
companions and quitting all his former connexions were not quite so keen as to
produce any dangerous disorder in his constitution he did not fail to be
extremely disconcerted at his first entrance into a scene of life to which he
was totally a stranger Not but that he met with abundance of people in the
country who in consideration of his fortune courted his acquaintance and
breathed nothing but friendship and hospitality yet even the trouble of
receiving and returning these civilities was an intolerable fatigue to a man of
his habits and disposition He therefore left the care of the ceremonial to his
sister who indulged herself in all the pride of formality while he himself
having made a discovery of a public house in the neighbourhood went thither
every evening and enjoyed his pipe and cann being very well satisfied with the
behaviour of the landlord whose communicative temper was a great comfort to his
own taciturnity for he shunned all superfluity of speech as much as he avoided
any other unnecessary expence
Chapter II
He is made acquainted with the Characters of Commodore Trunnion and his
Adherents meets with them by Accident and contracts an Intimacy with that
Commander
This loquacious publican soon gave him sketches of all the characters in the
county and among others described that of his next neighbour Commodore
Trunnion which was altogether singular and odd »The commodore and your worship
said he will in a short time be hand and glove he has a power of money and
spends like a prince that is in his own way for to be sure he is a little
humoursome as the saying is and swears woundily tho Ill be sworn he means
no more harm than a sucking babe Lord help us it will do your honours heart
good to hear him tell a story as how he lay alongside of the French yardarm
and yardarm board and board and of heaving grapplings and stinkpots and
grapes and round and doubleheaded partridges crows and carters Laud have
mercy upon us he has been a great warrior in his time and lost an eye and a
heel in the service Then he does not live like any other Christian landman
but keeps garrison in his house as if he were in the midst of his enemies and
makes his servants turn out in the night watch and watch as he calls it all
the year round His habitation is defended by a ditch over which he has laid a
drawbridge and planted his courtyard with patereroes continually loaded with
shot under the direction of one Mr Hatchway who had one of his legs shot
away while he acted as lieutenant on board of the commodores ship and now
being on halfpay lives with him as his companion The lieutenant is a very
brave man a great joker and as the saying is hath got the length of his
commanders foot Tho he has another favourite in the house called Tom Pipes
that was his boatswains mate and now keeps the servants in order Tom is a man
of few words but an excellent hand at a song concerning the boatswains
whistle husslecap and chuckfarthing there is not such another pipe in the
county So that the commodore lives very happy in his own manner thof he be
sometimes thrown into perilous passions and quandaries by the application of
his poor kinsmen whom he cant abide because as how some of them were the
first occasion of his going to sea Then he sweats with agony at the sight of an
attorney just for all the world as some people have an antipathy at a cat for
it seems he was once at law for striking one of his officers and cast in a
swinging sum He is moreover exceedingly afflicted with goblins that disturb
his rest and keep such a racket in his house that you would think God bless
us all the devils in hell had broke loose upon him It was no longer ago than
last year about this time that he was tormented the livelong night by two
mischievous spirits that got into his chamber and played a thousand pranks
about his hammock for there is not one bed within his walls Well Sir he
rung his bell called up all his servants got lights and made a thorough
search but the devil a goblin was to be found He had no sooner turned in
again and the rest of the family gone to sleep than the foul fiends began
their game anew The commodore got up in the dark drew his cutlass and
attacked them both so manfully that in five minutes every thing in the
apartment went to pieces The lieutenant hearing the noise came to his
assistance and Tom Pipes being told what was the matter lighted his match and
going down to the yard fired all the patereroes as signals of distress Well
to be sure the whole parish was in a pucker some thought the French had
landed others imagined the commodores house was beset by thieves for my own
part I called up two dragoons that are quartered upon me and they swore with
deadly oaths it was a gang of smugglers engaged with a party of their regiment
that lies in the next village and mounting their horses like lusty fellows
rode up into the country as fast as their beasts could carry them Ah Master
these are hard times when an industrious body cannot earn his bread without
fear of the gallows Your worships father God rest his soul was a good
gentleman and as well respected in this parish as eer a he that walks upon
neats leather And if your honour should want a small parcel of fine tea or a
few anchors of right Nantz Ill be bound you shall be furnished to your hearts
content But as I was saying the hubbub continued till morning when the
parson being sent for conjured the spirits into the Red Sea and the house has
been pretty quiet ever since True it is Mr Hatchway makes a mock of the whole
affair and told his commander in this very blessed spot that the two goblins
were no other than a couple of jackdaws which had fallen down the chimney and
made a flapping with their wings up and down the apartment But the commodore
who is very choleric and does not like to be jeered fell into a main high
passion and stormed like a perfect hurricane swearing that he knew a devil
from a jackdaw as well as eer a man in the three kingdoms He owned indeed
that the birds were found but denied that they were the occasion of the uproar
For my own part Master I believe much may be said on both sides of the
question thof to be sure the devil is always going about as the saying is«
This circumstantial account extraordinary as it was never altered one
feature in the countenance of Mr Pickle who having heard it to an end took
the pipe from his mouth saying with a look of infinite sagacity and
deliberation »I do suppose he is of the Cornish Trunnions What sort of a woman
is his spouse« »Spouse cried the other odds heart I dont think he would
marry the queen of Sheba Lack a day Sir he wont suffer his own maids to lie
in the garrison but turns them into an outhouse every night before the watch
is set Bless your honours soul he is as it were a very oddish kind of a
gentleman Your worship would have seen him before now for when he is well he
and my good master Hatchway come hither every evening and drink a couple of
canns of rumbo apiece but he has been confined to his house this fortnight by
a plaguy fit of the gout which Ill assure your worship is a good penny out
of my pocket«
At that instant Mr Pickles ears were saluted with such a strange noise
as even discomposed the muscles of his face which gave immediate indications of
alarm This composition of notes at first resembled the crying of quails and
croaking of bullfrogs but as it approached nearer he could distinguish
articulate sounds pronounced with great violence in such a cadence as one would
expect from a human creature scolding thro the organs of an ass It was neither
speaking nor braying but a surprising mixture of both employed in the
utterance of terms absolutely unintelligible to our wondering merchant who had
just opened his mouth to express his curiosity when the landlord starting up
at the well known sound cried »Odds niggers there is the commodore with his
company as sure as I live« and with his apron began to wipe the dust off an
elbowchair placed at one side of the fire and kept sacred for the ease and
convenience of this infirm commander While he was thus occupied a voice still
more uncouth than the former bawled aloud »Ho the house a hoy« Upon which
the publican clapping an hand to each side of his head with his thumbs fixed
on his ears rebellowed in the same tone which he had learned to imitate
»Hilloah« The voice again exclaimed »Have you got any attorneys aboard« and
when the landlord replied »No no« this man of strange expectation came in
supported by his two dependants and displayed a figure every way answerable to
the oddity of his character He was in stature at least six feet high tho he
had contracted an habit of stooping by living so long on board his complexion
was tawny and his aspect rendered hideous by a large scar across his nose and
a patch that covered the place of one eye Being seated in his chair with great
formality the landlord complimented him upon his being able to come abroad
again and having in a whisper communicated the name of his fellowguest whom
the commodore already knew by report went to prepare with all imaginable
dispatch the first allowance of his favourite liquor in three separate canns
for each was accommodated with his own portion apart while the lieutenant sat
down on the blindside of his commander and Tom Pipes knowing his distance
with great modesty took his station in the rear After a pause of some minutes
the conversation was begun by this ferocious chief who fixing his eye upon the
lieutenant with a sternness of countenance not to be described addressed him in
these words »Dn my eyes Hatchway I always took you to be a better seaman
than to overset our chaise in such fair weather Blood didnt I tell you we
were running bump ashore and bid you set in the leebrace and haul upon a
wind« »Yes replied the other with an arch sneer I do confess as how you did
give such orders after you had run us foul of a post so as that the carriage
lay along and could not right herself« »I run you foul of a post cried the
commander dn my heart youre a pretty dog ant you to tell me so above
board to my face Did I take charge of the chaise Did I stand at the helm«
»No answered Hatchway that I must confess you did not steer but howsomever
you cunned all the way and so as you could not see how the land lay being
blind of your larboard eye we were fast ashore before you knew any thing of
the matter Pipes who stood abaft can testify the truth of what I say« »Dn
my limbs resumed the commodore I dont value what you or Pipes says a rope
yarn Youre a couple of mutinous Ill say no more but you shant run your
rig upon me Damn ye I am the man that learnt you Jack Hatchway to splice a
rope and raise a perpendicular«
The lieutenant who was perfectly well acquainted with the trim of his
captain did not chuse to carry on the altercation any farther but taking up
his cann drank to the health of the stranger who very courteously returned the
compliment without however presuming to join in the conversation which
suffered a considerable pause During this interruption Mr Hatchways wit
displayd itself in several practical jokes upon the commodore with whom he
knew it was dangerous to tamper in any other way Being without the sphere of
his vision he securely pilfered his tobacco drank his rumbo made wry faces
and to use the vulgar phrase cocked his eye at him to the no small
entertainment of the spectators Mr Pickle himself not excepted who gave
evident tokens of uncommon satisfaction at the dexterity of this marine
pantomime
Mean while the captains choler gradually subsided and he was pleased to
desire Hatchway by the familiar and friendly diminutive of Jack to read a
newspaper that lay on the table before him This task was accordingly
undertaken by the lame lieutenant who among other paragraphs read that which
follows with an elevation of voice that seemed to prognosticate something
extraordinary »We are informed that admiral Bower will very soon be created a
British peer for his eminent services during the war particularly in his late
engagement with the French fleet« Trunnion was thunderstruck at this piece of
intelligence The mug dropt from his hand and shivered into a thousand pieces
his eye glistened like that of a rattlesnake and some minutes elapsed before
he could pronounce »Avast overhaul that article again« It was no sooner read
the second time than smiting the table with his fist he started up and with
the most violent emphasis of rage and indignation exclaimed »Dn my heart and
liver tis a land lie dye see and I will maintain it to be a lie from the
sprit sailyard to the mizzen topsail haulyards blood and thunder Will Bower
a peer of this realm a fellow of yesterday that scarce knows a mast from a
manger a snottynose boy whom I myself have ordered to the gun for stealing
eggs out of the hencoops and I Hawser Trunnion who commanded a ship before
he could keep a reckoning am laid aside dye see and forgotten If so be as
this be the case there is a rotten plank in our constitution which ought to be
hove down and repaired damn my eyes For my own part dye see I was none of
your Guineapigs I did not rise in the service by parliamenteering interest or
a handsome bitch of a wife I was not hoisted over the bellies of better men
nor strutted athwart the quarterdeck in a laced doublet and thingumbobs at the
wrists Damn my limbs I have been a hardworking man and served all offices on
board from cooks shifter to the command of a vessel Here you Tunley theres
the hand of a seaman you dog« So saying he laid hold on the landlords fist
and honoured him with such a squeeze as compelled him to roar with great
vociferation to the infinite satisfaction of the commodore whose features were
a little unbended by this acknowledgment of his vigour and he thus proceeded
in a less outrageous strain »They make a damned noise about this engagement
with the French but agad it was no more than a bumboat battle in comparison
with some that I have seen There was old Rook and Jennings and another whom
Ill be damned before I name that knew what fighting was As for my own share
dye see I am none of those that hollow in their own commendation but if so be
that I were minded to stand my own trumpeter some of those little fellows that
hold their heads so high would be taken all aback as the saying is they would
be ashamed to shew their colours dn my eyes I once lay eight glasses
alongside of the Floor de Louse a French man of war tho her metal was
heavier and her complement larger by an hundred hands than mine You Jack
Hatchway damn ye what dye grin at Dye think I tell a story because you
never heard it before«
»Why look ye Sir answered the lieutenant Im glad to find you can stand
your own trumpeter on occasion thof I wish you would change the tune for that
is the same you have been piping every watch for these ten months past Tunley
himself will tell you he has heard it five hundred times« »God forgive you
Mr Hatchway said the landlord interrupting him as Im an honest man and a
housekeeper I never heard a syllab of the matter«
This declaration tho not strictly true was extremely agreeable to Mr
Trunnion who with an air of triumph observed »Aha Jack I thought I should
bring you up with your gibes and your jokes But suppose you had heard it
before is that any reason why it shouldnt be told to another person Theres
the stranger belike he has heard it five hundred times too hant ye brother«
addressing himself to Mr Pickle who replying with a look expressing
curiosity »No never« he thus went on »Well you seem to be an honest quiet
sort of a man and therefore you must know as I said before I fell in with a
French man of war Cape Finisterre bearing about six leagues on the weatherbow
and the chace three leagues to leeward going before the wind whereupon I set
my studdingsails and coming up with her hoisted my jack and ensign and
poured in a whole broadside before you could count three rattlins in the mizzen
shrouds for I always keep a good lookout and love to have the first fire«
»That Ill be sworn said Hatchway for the day we made the Triumph you
ordered the men to fire when she was hullto by the same token we below
pointed the guns at a flight of gulls and I won a cann of punch from the
gunner by killing the first bird« Exasperated at this sarcasm he replied with
great vehemence »You lie lubber dn your bones what business have you to
come always athwart my hawse in this manner You Pipes was upon deck and can
bear witness whether or not I fired too soon Speak you blood of a and that
upon the word of a seaman how did the chace bear of us when I gave orders to
fire«
Pipes who hitherto had sat silent being thus called upon to give his
evidence after diverse strange gesticulations opened his mouth like a gasping
cod and with a cadence like that of the east wind singing through a cranny
pronounced »Half a quarter of a league right upon our leebeam« »Nearer you
porpussfacd swab cried the commodore nearer by twelve fathom but
howsomever thats enough to prove the falsehood of Hatchways jaw and so
brother dye see turning to Mr Pickle I lay alongside of the Floor de
Louse yardarm and yardarm plying our great guns and small arms and heaving
in stinkpots powderbottles and handgrenades till our shot was all
expended doubleheaded partridge and grape then we loaded with iron crows
marlin spikes and old nails but finding the Frenchman took a great deal of
drubbing and that he had shot away all our rigging and killed and wounded a
great number of our men dye see I resolved to run him on board upon his
quarter and so ordered our grapplings to be got ready but Monsieur perceiving
what we were about filled his topsails and sheered off leaving us like a log
upon the water and our scuppers running with blood«
Mr Pickle and the landlord paid such extraordinary attention to the
rehearsal of this exploit that Trunnion was encouraged to entertain them with
more stories of the same nature after which he observed by way of encomium on
the government that all he had gained in the service was a lame foot and the
loss of an eye The lieutenant who could not find in his heart to lose any
opportunity of being witty at the expence of his commander gave a loose to his
satirical talent once more saying »I have heard as how you came by your lame
foot by having your upperdecks overstowed with liquor whereby you became
crank and rolled dye see in such a manner that by a pitch of the ship your
starboard heel was jammed in one of the scuppers and as for the matter of your
eye that was knocked out by your own crew when the Lightning was paid off
theres poor Pipes who was beaten into all the colours of the rainbow for
taking your part and giving you time to sheer off and I dont find as how you
have rewarded him according as he deserves« As the commodore could not deny the
truth of these anecdotes however unseasonably they were introduced he affected
to receive them with good humour as jokes of the lieutenants own inventing
and replyd »Ay ay Jack every body knows your tongue is no slander but
howsomever Ill work you to an oil for this you dog« So saying he lifted up
one of his crutches intending to lay it gently across Mr Hatchways pate
but Jack with great agility tilted up his wooden leg with which he warded
off the blow to the no small admiration of Mr Pickle and utter astonishment
of the landlord who by the bye had expressed the same amazement at the same
feat at the same hour every night for three months before Trunnion then
directing his eye to the boatswains mate »You Pipes said he do you go
about and tell people that I did not reward you for standing by me when I was
hussled by those rebellious rapscallions damn you hant you been rated on the
books ever since« Tom who indeed had no words to spare sat smoaking his pipe
with great indifference and never dreamed of paying any regard to these
interrogations which being repeated and reinforced with many oaths that
however produced no effect the commodore pulled out his purse saying »Here
you bitchs baby heres something better than a smart ticket« and threw it at
his silent deliverer who received and pocketed his bounty without the least
demonstration of surprize or satisfaction while the donor turning to Mr
Pickle »You see brother said he I make good the old saying we sailors get
money like horses and spend it like asses come Pipes lets have the
boatswains whistle and be jovial« This musician accordingly applied to his
mouth the silver instrument that hung at a buttonhole of his jacket by a chain
of the same metal and though not quite so ravishing as the pipe of Hermes
produced a sound so loud and shrill that the stranger as it were
instinctively stopped his ears to preserve his organs of hearing from such a
dangerous invasion The prelude being thus executed Pipes fixed his eyes upon
the egg of an ostrich that depended from the ceiling and without once moving
them from that object performed the whole cantata in a tone of voice that
seemed to be the joint issue of an Irish bagpipe and a sowgelders horn the
commodore the lieutenant and landlord joined in the chorus repeating this
elegant stanza
Bustle bustle brave boys
Let us sing let us toil
And drink all the while
Since labours the price of our joys
The third line was no sooner pronounced than the cann was lifted to every mans
mouth with admirable uniformity and the next word taken up at the end of their
draught with a twang equally expressive and harmonious In short the company
began to understand one another Mr Pickle seemed to relish the entertainment
and a correspondence immediately commenced between him and Trunnion who shook
him by the hand drank to further acquaintance and even invited him to a mess
of pork and pease in the garrison The compliment was returned good fellowship
prevailed and the night was pretty far advanced when the merchants man
arrived with a lanthorn to light his master home upon which the new friends
parted after a mutual promise of meeting next evening in the same place
Chapter III
Mrs Grizzle exerts herself in finding a Proper Match for her Brother who is
accordingly introduced to the Young Lady whom he marries in due Season
I have been the more circumstantial in opening the character of Trunnion
because he bears a considerable share in the course of these memoirs but now
it is high time to resume the consideration of Mrs Grizzle who since her
arrival in the country had been engrossed by a double care namely that of
finding a suitable match for her brother and a comfortable yokefellow for
herself
Neither was this aim the result of any sinister or frail suggestion but the
pure dictates of that laudable ambition which prompted her to the preservation
of the family name Nay so disinterested was she in this pursuit that
postponing her nearest concern or at least leaving her own fate to the silent
operation of her charms she laboured with such indefatigable zeal in behalf of
her brother that before they had been three months settled in the country the
general topick of conversation in the neighbourhood was an intended match
between the rich Mr Pickle and the fair miss Appleby daughter of a gentleman
who lived in the next parish and who though he had but little fortune to
bestow upon his children had to use his own phrase replenished their veins
with some of the best blood in the county
This young lady whose character and disposition Mrs Grizzle had
investigated to her own satisfaction was destined for the spouse of Mr Pickle
and an overture accordingly made to her father who being overjoyed at the
proposal gave his consent without hesitation and even recommended the
immediate execution of the project with such eagerness as seemed to indicate
either a suspicion of Mr Pickles constancy or a diffidence of his own
daughters complexion which perhaps he thought too sanguine to keep much
longer cool The previous point being thus settled our merchant at the
instigation of Mrs Grizzle went to visit his future fatherinlaw and was
introduced to the daughter with whom he had that same afternoon an
opportunity of being alone What passed in that interview I never could learn
though from the character of the suitor the reader may justly conclude that she
was not much teized with the impertinence of his addresses He was not I
believe the less welcome for that reason certain it is she made no objection
to his taciturnity and when her father communicated his resolution acquiesced
with the most pious resignation But Mrs Grizzle in order to give the lady a
more favourable idea of his intellects than what his conversation could possibly
inspire was resolved to dictate a letter which her brother should transcribe
and transmit to his mistress as the produce of his own understanding and had
actually composed a very tender billet for this purpose yet her intention was
intirely frustrated by the misapprehension of the lover himself who in
consequence of his sisters repeated admonitions anticipated her scheme by
writing for himself and dispatching the letter one afternoon while Mrs
Grizzle was visiting at the parsons
Neither was this step the effect of his vanity or precipitation but having
been often assured by his sister that it was absolutely necessary for him to
make a declaration of his love in writing he took this opportunity of acting in
conformity to her advice when his imagination was unengaged or undisturbed by
any other suggestion without suspecting in the least that she intended to save
him the trouble of exercising his own genius Left therefore as he imagined
to his own inventions he sat down and produced the following morceau which was
transmitted to miss Appleby before his sister and counsellor had the least
intimation of the affair
Miss Sally Appleby
Madam
Understanding you have a parcel of heart warranted sound to be
disposed of shall be willing to treat for said commodity on reasonable
terms doubt not shall agree for same shall wait of you for further
information when and where you shall appoi nt This the needful from
Yours etc
GAM PICKLE
This laconic epistle simple and unadorned as it was met with as cordial a
reception from the person to whom it was addressed as if it had been couched in
the most elegant terms that delicacy of passion and cultivated genius could
supply nay I believe was the more welcome on account of its mercantile
plainness because when an advantageous match is in view a sensible woman often
considers the flowery professions and rapturous exclamations of love as
ensnaring ambiguities or at best impertinent preliminaries that retard the
treaty they are designed to promote whereas Mr Pickle removed all disagreeable
uncertainty by descending at once to the most interesting particular
She had no sooner as a dutiful child communicated this billetdoux to her
father than he as a careful parent visited Mr Pickle and in presence of Mrs
Grizzle demanded a formal explanation of his sentiments with regard to his
daughter Sally Mr Gamaliel without any ceremony assured him he had a respect
for the young woman and with his good leave would take her for better for
worse and Mr Appleby after having expressed his satisfaction that he had
fixed his affections in his family and comforted the lover with the assurance
of his being agreeable to the young lady they forthwith proceeded to the
articles of the marriagesettlement which being discussed and determined a
lawyer was ordered to engross them the wedding cloaths were bought and in
short a day was appointed for the celebration of their nuptials to which every
body of any fashion in the neighbourhood was invited Among these commodore
Trunnion and Mr Hatchway were not forgotten being the sole companions of the
bridegroom with whom by this time they had contracted a sort of intimacy at
their nocturnal rendezvous
They had received a previous intimation of what was on the anvil from the
landlord before Mr Pickle thought proper to declare himself in consequence of
which the topick of the oneeyed commanders discourse at their meeting for
several evenings before had been the folly and plague of matrimony on which he
held forth with great vehemence of abuse levelled at the fair sex whom he
represented as devils incarnate sent from hell to torment mankind and in
particular inveighed against old maids for whom he seemed to entertain a
singular aversion while his friend Jack confirmed the truth of all his
allegations and gratified his own malignant vein at the same time by clenching
every sentence with a sly joke upon the married state built upon some allusion
to a ship or seafaring life He compared a woman to a great gun loaded with
fire brimstone and noise which being violently heated will bounce and fly
and play the devil if you dont take special care of her breechings He said
she was like a hurricane that never blows from one quarter but veers about to
all points of the compass he likened her to a painted galley curiously rigged
with a leak in her hold which her husband would never be able to stop He
observed that her inclinations were like the Bay of Biscay for why because you
may heave your deep sea lead long enough without ever reaching the bottom That
he who comes to an anchor on a wife may find himself moored in damned foul
ground and after all cant for his blood slip his cable and that for his own
part thof he might make short trips for pastime he would never embark in woman
on the voyage of life because he was afraid of foundering in the first foul
weather
In all probability these insinuations made some impression on the mind of
Mr Pickle who was not very much inclined to run great risks of any kind but
the injunctions and importunities of his sister who was bent upon the match
overbalanced the opinion of his sea friends who finding him determined to
marry notwithstanding all the hints of caution they had thrown out resolved to
accept his invitation and honoured his nuptials with their presence
accordingly
Chapter IV
The Behaviour of Mrs Grizzle at the Wedding with an Account of the Guests
I hope it will not be thought uncharitable if I advance by way of conjecture
that Mrs Grizzle on this grand occasion summoned her whole exertion to play
off the artillery of her charms upon the single gentlemen who were invited to
the entertainment sure I am she displayed to the best advantage all the
engaging qualities she possessed her affability at dinner was altogether
uncommon her attention to the guests was superfluously hospitable her tongue
was sheathed with a most agreeable and infantine lisp her address was perfectly
obliging and though conscious of the extraordinary capacity of her mouth she
would not venture to hazard a laugh she modelled her lips into an enchanting
simper which played upon her countenance all day long nay she even profited
by that defect in her vision we have already observed and securely contemplated
those features which were most to her likeing while the rest of the company
believed her regards were disposed in a quite contrary direction With what
humility of complaisance did she receive the compliments of those who could not
help praising the elegance of the banquet and how piously did she seize that
opportunity of commemorating the honours of her sire by observing that it was
no merit in her to understand something of entertainments as she had occasion
to preside at so many during the mayoralty of her papa Far from discovering
the least symptom of pride and exultation when the opulence of her family
became the subject of conversation she assumed a severity of countenance and
after having moralized on the vanity of riches declared that those who looked
upon her as a fortune were very much mistaken for her father had left her no
more than poor five thousand pounds which with what little she had saved of
the interest since his death was all she had to depend upon indeed if she had
placed her chief felicity in wealth she should not have been so forward in
destroying her own expectations by advising and promoting the event at which
they were now so happily assembled but she hoped she should always have virtue
enough to postpone any interested consideration when it should happen to clash
with the happiness of her friends Finally such was her modesty and
selfdenial that she industriously informed those whom it might concern that
she was no less than three years older than the bride though had she added ten
to the reckoning she would have committed no mistake in point of computation
To contribute as much as lay in her power to the satisfaction of all
present she in the afternoon regaled them with a tune on the harpsichord
accompanied with her voice which though not the most melodious in the world I
dare say would have been equally at their service could she have vyed with
Philomel in song and as the last effort of her complaisance when dancing was
proposed she was prevailed upon at the request of her new sister to open the
ball in person
In a word Mrs Grizzle was the principal figure in this festival and
almost eclipsed the bride who far from seeming to dispute the preheminence
very wisely allowed her to make the best of her talents contenting herself with
the lot to which fortune had already called her and which she imagined would
not be the less desirable if her sisterinlaw were detached from the family
I believe I need scarce advertise the reader that during this whole
entertainment the commodore and his lieutenant were quite out of their element
and this indeed was the case with the bridegroom himself who being utterly
unacquainted with any sort of polite commerce found himself under a very
disagreeable restraint during the whole scene
Trunnion who had scarce ever been on shore till he was paid off and never
once in his whole life in the company of any females above the rank of those
who herd upon the point at Portsmouth was more embarrassed about his behaviour
than if he had been surrounded at sea by the whole French navy He had never
pronounced the word Madam since he was born so that far from entering into
conversation with the ladies he would not even return the compliment or give
the least nod of civility when they drank to his health and I verily believe
would rather have suffered suffocation than allowed the simple phrase your
servant to proceed from his mouth He was altogether as inflexible with respect
to the attitudes of his body for either through obstinacy or bashfulness he
sat upright without motion insomuch that he provoked the mirth of a certain
wag who addressing himself to the lieutenant asked whether that was the
commodore himself or the wooden lion that used to stand at his gate An image
to which it must be owned Mr Trunnions person bore no faint resemblance
Mr Hatchway who was not quite so unpolished as the commodore and had
certain notions that seemed to approach the ideas of common life made a less
uncouth appearance but then he was a wit and though of a very peculiar genius
partook largely of that disposition which is common to all wits who never enjoy
themselves except when their talents meet with those marks of distinction and
veneration which in their own opinion they deserve
These circumstances being premised it is not to be wondered at if this
triumvirate made no objections to the proposal when some of the grave
personages of the company made a motion for adjourning into another apartment
where they might enjoy their pipes and bottles while the young folks indulged
themselves in the continuance of their own favourite diversion Thus rescued as
it were from a state of annihilation the first use the two lads of the castle
made of their existence was to ply the bridegroom so hard with bumpers that in
less than an hour he made divers efforts to sing and soon after was carried to
bed deprived of all manner of sensation to the utter disappointment of the
bridemen and maids who by this accident were prevented from throwing the
stocking and performing certain other ceremonies practised on such occasions
As for the bride she bore this misfortune with great good humour and indeed
on all occasions behaved like a discreet woman perfectly well acquainted with
the nature of her own situation
Chapter V
Mrs Pickle assumes the Reins of Government in her own Family her Sisterinlaw
undertakes an Enterprize of Great Moment but is for some time diverted from her
Purpose by a very interesting Consideration
Whatever deference not to say submission she had paid to Mrs Grizzle before
she was so nearly allied to her family she no sooner became Mrs Pickle than
she thought it incumbent upon her to act up to the dignity of the character and
the very day after the marriage ventured to dispute with her sisterinlaw on
the subject of her own pedigree which she affirmed to be more honourable in all
respects than that of her husband observing that several younger brothers of
her house had arrived at the station of lord mayor of London which was the
highest pitch of greatness that any of Mr Pickles predecessors had ever
attained
This presumption was like a thunderbolt to Mrs Grizzle who began to
perceive that she had not succeeded quite so well as she imagined in selecting
for her brother a gentle and obedient yokefellow who would always treat her
with that profound respect which she thought due to her superior genius and be
entirely regulated by her advice and direction however she still continued to
manage the reins of government in the house reprehending the servants as usual
an office she performed with great capacity and in which she seemed to take
singular delight until Mrs Pickle on pretence of consulting her ease told
her one day she would take that trouble upon herself and for the future assume
the management of her own family Nothing could be more mortifying to Mrs
Grizzle than such a declaration to which after a considerable pause and
strange distortion of look she replied »I shall never refuse or repine at any
trouble that may conduce to my brothers advantage« »Dear madam« answered the
sister »I am infinitely obliged to your kind concern for Mr Pickles interest
which I consider as my own but I cannot bear to see you a sufferer by your
friendship and therefore insist upon exempting you from the fatigue you have
borne so long«
In vain did the other protest that she took pleasure in the task Mrs
Pickle ascribed the assurance to her excess of complaisance and expressed such
tenderness of zeal for her dear sisters health and tranquillity that the
reluctant maiden found herself obliged to resign her authority without enjoying
the least pretext for complaining of her being deposed
This disgrace was attended by a fit of peevish devotion that lasted three or
four weeks during which period she had the additional chagreen of seeing the
young lady gain an absolute ascendency over the mind of her brother who was
persuaded to set up a gay equipage and improve his housekeeping by an
augmentation in his expence to the amount of a thousand a year at least tho
this alteration in the oeconomy of his houshold effected no change in his own
disposition or manner of life for soon as the painful ceremony of receiving
and returning visits was performed he had recourse again to the company of his
seafriends with whom he spent the best part of his time But if he was
satisfied with his condition the case was otherwise with Mrs Grizzle who
finding her importance in the family greatly diminished her attractions
neglected by all the malesex in the neighbourhood and the withering hand of
time hang threatning over her head began to feel the horror of eternal
virginity and in a sort of desperation resolved at any rate to rescue herself
from that reproachful and uncomfortable situation Thus determined she formed a
plan the execution of which to a spirit less enterprizing and sufficient than
hers would have appeared altogether impracticable this was no other than to
make a conquest of the commodores heart which the reader will easily believe
was not very susceptible of tender impressions but on the contrary fortified
with insensibility and prejudice against the charms of the whole sex and
particularly prepossessed to the prejudice of that class distinguished by the
appellation of old maids in which Mrs Grizzle was by this time unhappily
ranked She nevertheless took the field and having invested this seemingly
impregnable fortress began to break ground one day when Trunnion dined at her
brothers by springing certain ensnaring commendations on the honesty and
sincerity of seafaring people paying a particular attention to his place and
affecting a simper of approbation at every thing he said which by any means she
could construe into a joke or with modesty be supposed to hear nay even when
he left decency on the left hand which was often the case she ventured to
reprimand his freedom of speech with a gracious grin saying »Sure you
gentlemen belonging to the sea have such an odd way with you« But all this
complacency was so ineffectual that far from suspecting the true cause of it
the commodore that very evening at the club in presence of her brother with
whom by this time he could take any manner of freedom did not scruple to damn
her for a squinting blockfaced chattering pisskitchen and immediately after
drank despair to all old maids a toast which Mr Pickle pledged without the
least hesitation and next day intimated to his sister who bore the indignity
with surprising resignation and did not therefore desist from her scheme
unpromising as it seemed to be until her attention was called off and engaged
in another care which for some time interrupted the progress of this design
Her sister had not been married many months when she exhibited evident symptoms
of pregnancy to the general satisfaction of all concerned and the
inexpressible joy of Mrs Grizzle who as we have already hinted was more
interested in the preservation of the familyname than in any other
consideration whatever She therefore no sooner discovered appearances to
justify and confirm her hopes than postponing her own purpose and laying aside
that pique and resentment she had conceived from the behaviour of Mrs Pickle
when she superseded her authority or perhaps considering her in no other light
than that of the vehicle which contained and was destined to convey her
brothers heir to light she determined to exert her uttermost in nursing
tending and cherishing her during the term of her important charge With this
view she purchased Culpeppers midwifery which with that sagacious performance
dignified with Aristotles name she studied with indefatigable care and
diligently perused the Compleat Housewife together with Quincys dispensatory
culling every jelly marmalade and conserve which these authors recommend as
either salutory or toothsome for the benefit and comfort of her sisterinlaw
during her gestation She restricted her from eating roots potherbs fruit
and all sort of vegetables and one day when Mrs Pickle had plucked a peach
with her own hand and was in the very act of putting it between her teeth Mrs
Grizzle perceived the rash attempt and running up to her fell upon her knees
in the garden intreating her with tears in her eyes to resist such a
pernicious appetite Her request was no sooner complied with than recollecting
that if her sisters longing was baulked the child might be affected with some
disagreeable mark or deplorable disease she begged as earnestly that she would
swallow the fruit and in the mean time ran for some cordial water of her own
composing which she forced upon her sister as an antidote to the poison she
had received
This excessive zeal and tenderness did not fail to be very troublesome to
Mrs Pickle who having revolved divers plans for the recovery of her own ease
at length determined to engage Mrs Grizzle in such employment as would
interrupt that close attendance which she found so teizing and disagreeable
Neither did she wait long for an opportunity of putting her resolution in
practice The very next day a gentleman happening to dine with Mr Pickle
unfortunately mentioned a pineapple part of which he had eaten a week before
at the house of a nobleman who lived in another part of the country at the
distance of an hundred miles at least
The name of this fatal fruit was no sooner pronounced than Mrs Grizzle
who incessantly watched her sisters looks took the alarm because she thought
they gave certain indications of curiosity and desire and after having observed
that she herself never could eat pineapples which were altogether unnatural
productions extorted by the force of artificial fire out of filthy manure
asked with a faltering voice if Mrs Pickle was not of her way of thinking
This young lady who wanted neither slyness nor penetration at once divined her
meaning and replied with seeming unconcern that for her own part she should
never repine if there was not a pineapple in the universe provided she could
indulge herself with the fruits of her own country
This answer which was calculated for the benefit of the stranger who would
certainly have suffered for his imprudence by the resentment of Mrs Grizzle
had her sister expressed the least relish for the fruit in question I say this
answer had the desired effect and reestablished the peace of the company
which was not a little endangered by the gentlemans want of consideration Next
morning however after breakfast the pregnant lady in pursuance of her plan
yawned as it were by accident full in the face of her maiden sister who being
infinitely disturbed by this convulsion affirmed it was a symptom of longing
and insisted upon knowing the object in desire when Mrs Pickle affecting an
affected smile told her she had eaten a most delicious pineapple in her sleep
This declaration was attended with an immediate scream uttered by Mrs Grizzle
who instantly perceiving her sister surprized at the exclamation clasped her in
her arms and assured her with a sort of hysterical laugh importing horror
rather than delight that she could not help screaming with joy because she had
it in her power to gratify her dear sisters wish a lady in the neighbourhood
having promised to send her in a present a couple of fine pineapples which
she would that very day go in quest of
Mrs Pickle would by no means consent to this proposal on pretence of
sparing the other unnecessary fatigue and assured her that if she had any
desire to eat a pineapple it was so faint that the disappointment could
produce no bad consequence But this assurance was conveyed in a manner which
she knew very well how to adopt that instead of dissuading rather stimulated
Mrs Grizzle to set out immediately not on a visit to that lady whose promise
she herself had feigned with a view of consulting her sisters tranquillity but
on a random search thro the whole county for this unlucky fruit which was like
to produce so much vexation and prejudice to her and her fathers house
During three whole days and nights did she attended by a valet ride from
place to place without success unmindful of her health and careless of her
reputation that began to suffer from the nature of her inquiry which was
pursued with such peculiar eagerness and distraction that every body with whom
she conversed looked upon her as an unhappy person whose intellects were not a
little disordered
Baffled in all her researches within the county she at length resolved to
visit that very nobleman at whose house the officious stranger had been for
her so unfortunately regaled and actually arrived in a postchaise at the
place of his habitation where she introduced her business as an affair on which
the happiness of a whole family depended But alas she had come too late his
lordship lamented in very polite and pathetic terms that he was disabled from
exerting his humanity and enjoying the pleasure he should feel in contributing
to the happiness of his fellowcreatures at such an easy rate telling her
that he had unluckily the very day before sent the two last pineapples his
garden had produced in a present to a certain lady in the neighbourhood
Mrs Grizzle was so affected with this explanation that she fainted away
and was immediately carried to the public house where she had left her horses
and where she remained inconsolable for the disappointment which in all
likelihood would have proved more fatal to her than to the person for whom she
was so piously concerned had not she in the evening by the medium of her own
servant received a hint from the noblemans gardener that for five pieces she
should be furnished with a couple of as fine apples as ever were seen in
England The terms I scarce need say were greedily embraced the fruit secured
in her possession and she departed that very night on her return to her
brothers house where she safely arrived with her acquisition and was most
cordially received by her sister who had been under some apprehensions on her
account Neither was his lordship forgotten in Mrs Grizzles benediction when
she understood from the valet who accompanied her that he had with his own
eyes seen above an hundred pineapples ripe for cutting in his garden the
evening of that very day on which he had assured her that there was not one
left
Chapter VI
Mrs Grizzle is indefatigable in gratifying her Sisters Longings Peregrine is
born and managed contrary to the Directions and Remonstrances of his Aunt who
is disgusted upon that Account and resumes the Plan which she had before
rejected
The success of this device would have encouraged Mrs Pickle to practise more of
the same sort upon her sisterinlaw had she not been deterred by a violent
fever which seized her zealous ally in consequence of the fatigue and
uneasiness she had undergone which while it lasted as effectually conduced to
her repose as any other stratagem she could invent But Mrs Grizzles health
was no sooner restored than the other being as much incommoded as ever was
obliged in her own defence to have recourse to some other contrivance and
managed her artifices in such a manner as leaves it at this day a doubt whether
she was really so whimsical and capricious in her appetites as she herself
pretended to be for her longings were not restricted to the demands of the
palate and stomach but also affected all the other organs of sense and even
invaded her imagination which at this period seemed to be strangely diseased
One time she longed to pinch her husbands ear and it was with infinite
difficulty that his sister could prevail upon him to undergo the operation Yet
this task was easy in comparison with another she undertook for the
gratification of Mrs Pickles unaccountable desire which was no other than to
persuade the commodore to submit his chin to the mercy of the bigbellied lady
who ardently wished for an opportunity of plucking three black hairs from his
beard When this proposal was first communicated to Mr Trunnion by the husband
his answer was nothing but a dreadful effusion of oaths accompanied with such a
stare and delivered in such a tone of voice as terrified the poor beseecher
into immediate silence so that Mrs Grizzle was fain to take the whole
enterprize upon herself and next day went to the garrison accordingly where
having obtained entrance by means of the lieutenant who while his commander
was asleep ordered her to be admitted for the jokes sake she waited patiently
till he turned out and then accosted him in the yard where he used to perform
his morning walk He was thunderstruck at the appearance of a woman in a place
which he had hitherto kept sacred from the whole sex and immediately began to
utter an apostrophe to Tom Pipes whose turn it was then to watch when Mrs
Grizzle falling on her knees before him conjured him with many pathetic
supplications to hear and grant her request which was no sooner signified
than he bellowed in such an outragious manner that the whole court reecchoed
the opprobrious term bitch and the word damnation which he repeated with
surprising volubility without any sort of propriety or connection and
retreated into his penetralia leaving the baffled devotee in the humble posture
she had so unsuccessfully chosen to melt his obdurate heart
Mortifying as this repulse must have been to a lady of her stately
disposition she did not relinquish her aim but endeavoured to interest the
commodores counsellors and adherents in her cause With this view she
sollicited the interest of Mr Hatchway who being highly pleased with a
circumstance in all probability so productive of mirth and diversion readily
entered into her measures and promised to employ his whole influence for her
satisfaction and as for the boatswains mate he was rendered propitious by the
present of a guinea which she slipt into his hand In short Mrs Grizzle was
continually engaged in this negotiation for the space of ten days during which
the commodore was so incessantly pestered with her remonstrances and the
admonitions of his associates that he swore his people had a design upon his
life which becoming a burthen to him he at last complied and was conducted to
the scene like a victim to the altar by the exulting priests or rather
growling like a reluctant bear when he is led to the stake amidst the shouts
and cries of butchers and their dogs After all this victory was not quite so
decisive as the conquerors imagined for the patient being set and the
performer prepared with a pair of pincers a small difficulty occurred she
could not for some time discern one black hair on the whole superficies of Mr
Trunnions face when Mrs Grizzle very much alarmed and disconcerted had
recourse to a magnifying glass that stood upon her toilette and after a most
accurate examination discovered a fibre of a dusky hue to which the instrument
being applied Mrs Pickle pulled it up by the roots to the no small
discomposure of the owner who feeling the smart much more severe than he had
expected started up and swore he would not part with another hair to save them
all from damnation
Mr Hatchway exhorted him to patience and resignation Mrs Grizzle repeated
her intreaties with great humility but finding him deaf to all her prayers and
absolutely bent upon leaving the house she clasped his knees and begged for
the love of God that he would have compassion upon a distressed family and
endure a little more for the sake of the poor infant who would otherwise be
born with a grey beard upon its chin Far from being melted he was rather
exasperated by this reflection to which he replied with great indignation
»Damn ye for a yawsighted bitch hell be hanged long enough before he has any
beard at all« so saying he disengaged himself from her embraces flung out at
the door and halted homewards with such surprising speed that the lieutenant
could not overtake him until he had arrived at his own gate and Mrs Grizzle
was so much affected with his escape that her sister in pure compassion
desired she would not afflict herself protesting that her own wish was already
gratified for she had plucked three hairs at once having from the beginning
been dubious of the commodores forbearance But the labours of this assiduous
kinswoman did not end with the atchievement of this adventure her eloquence or
industry were employed without ceasing in the performance of other tasks
imposed by the ingenious craft of her sisterinlaw who at another time
conceived an insuppressible affection for a fricassee of frogs which should be
the genuine natives of France so that there was a necessity for dispatching a
messenger on purpose to that kingdom but as she could not depend upon the
integrity of any common servant Mrs Grizzle undertook that province and
actually set sail in a cutter for Bologne from whence she returned in eight and
forty hours with a tub full of those live animals which being dressed according
to art her sister would not taste them on pretence that her fit of longing was
past but then her inclinations took a different turn and fixed themselves upon
a curious implement belonging to a lady of quality in the neighbourhood which
was reported to be a very great curiosity this was no other than a porcelain
chamberpot of admirable workmanship contrived by the honourable owner who
kept it for her own private use and cherished it as an utensil of inestimable
value
Mrs Grizzle shuddered at the first hint she received of her sisters desire
to possess this piece of furniture because she knew it was not to be purchased
and the ladys character which was none of the most amiable in point of
humanity and condescension forbad all hopes of borrowing it for a season she
therefore attempted to reason down this capricious appetite as an extravagance
of imagination which ought to be combated and repressed and Mrs Pickle to all
appearance was convinced and satisfied by her arguments and advice but
nevertheless could make use of no other convenience and was threatened with a
very dangerous suppression Rouzed at the peril in which she supposed her to be
Mrs Grizzle flew to the ladys house and having obtained a private audience
disclosed the melancholy situation of her sister and implored the benevolence
of her ladyship who contrary to expectation received her very graciously and
consented to indulge Mrs Pickles longing but as she had not the pleasure of
being acquainted with the family she hoped it would not be taken amiss if she
insisted upon security for her own indemnification in case any accident should
happen to the machine while under their protection Overjoyed at this
condescension Mrs Grizzle was loud in her acknowledgments embraced the terms
of the loan in consequence of which an hundred guineas were deposited and
brought home this illustrious Jordan with as much pleasure and satisfaction as
the Argonauts enjoyed when they made themselves masters of the golden fleece
True it is her success was attended with a small disaster which she could not
possibly foresee next day it was at the desire of Mrs Pickle committed to
the charge of a trusty servant who in carrying it back to the right owner had
the misfortune to be overturned by one of her ladyships valets who ran against
him in the court and this superb piece of porcelain falling upon the pavement
was dashed into a thousand pieces In vain did the poor carrier urge his own
innocence by representing the true cause of this misadventure her ladyship was
deaf to all his proofs and protestations and without any ceremony detained the
pledge which had been left in her hands not without violent suspicion of having
acted as the auxiliary of chance to which this calamity was imputed
Be this as it will Mr Pickle began to be out of humour at the expence to
which he was exposed by the caprice of his wife who was herself alarmed at this
last accident and for the future kept her fancy within bounds insomuch that
without being subject to any more extraordinary trouble Mrs Grizzle reaped the
long wished fruits of her dearest expectation in the birth of a fine boy whom
her sister in a few months brought into the world
I shall omit the description of the rejoicings which were infinite on this
important occasion and only observe that Mrs Pickles mother and aunt stood
godmothers and the commodore assisted at the ceremony as godfather to the
child who was christened by the name of Peregrine in compliment to the memory
of a deceased uncle While the mother was confined to her bed and incapable of
maintaining her own authority Mrs Grizzle took charge of the infant by a
double claim and superintended with surprizing vigilance the nurse and midwife
in all the particulars of their respective offices which were performed by her
express direction But no sooner was Mrs Pickle in a condition to reassume the
management of her own affairs than she thought proper to alter certain
regulations concerning the child which had obtained in consequence of her
sisters orders directing among other innovations that the bandages with
which the infant had been so neatly rolled up like an Ægyptian mummy should be
loosened and laid aside in order to rid nature of all restraint and give the
blood free scope to circulate and with her own hands she plunged him headlong
every morning in a tubfull of cold water This operation seemed so barbarous to
the tenderhearted Mrs Grizzle that she not only opposed it with all her
eloquence shedding abundance of tears over the sacrifice when it was made but
took horse immediately and departed for the habitation of an eminent country
physician whom she consulted in these words »Pray doctor is it not both
dangerous and cruel to be the means of letting a poor tender infant perish by
sousing it in water as cold as ice« »Yes replied the doctor downright
murder I affirm« »I see you are a person of great learning and sagacity said
the other and I must beg you will be so good as to signify your opinion in your
own handwriting« The doctor immediately complied with her request and
expressed himself upon a slip of paper to this purpose
These are to certify whom it may concern that I firmly believe and it
is my unalterable opinion that whosoever letteth an infant perish by
sousing it in cold water even though the said water should not be so
cold as ice is in effect guilty of the murder of the said infant as
witness my hand
Comfit Colocynth
Having obtained this certificate for which the physician was handsomely
acknowledged she returned in triumph hoping with such authority to overthrow
all opposition and accordingly next morning when her nephew was about to
undergo his diurnal baptism produced the commission whereby she conceived
herself impowered to overrule such inhuman proceedings But she was disappointed
in her expectation confident as it was not that Mrs Pickle pretended to
differ in opinion from Dr Colocynth »for whose character and sentiments said
she I have such veneration that I shall carefully observe the caution implied
in this very certificate by which far from condemning my method of practice
he only asserts that killing is murder an asseveration the truth of which it
is to be hoped I shall never dispute«
Mrs Grizzle who sooth to say had rather too superficially considered the
clause by which she thought herself authorized perused the paper with more
accuracy and was confounded at her own want of penetration Yet though she was
confuted she was by no means convinced that her objections to the cold bath
were unreasonable on the contrary after having bestowed sundry opprobrious
epithets on the physician for his want of knowledge and candour she protested
in the most earnest and solemn manner against the pernicious practice of dipping
the child a piece of cruelty which with Gods assistance she should never
suffer to be inflicted on her own issue and washing her hands of the melancholy
consequence that would certainly ensue shut herself up in her closet to
indulge her sorrow and vexation She was deceived however in her prognostic
the boy instead of declining in point of health seemed to acquire fresh vigour
from every plunge as if he had been resolved to discredit the wisdom and
foresight of his aunt who in all probability could never forgive him for this
want of reverence and respect This conjecture is founded upon her behaviour to
him in the sequel of his infancy during which she was known to torture him more
than once when she had opportunities of thrusting pins into his flesh without
any danger of being detected In a word her affections were in a little time
altogether alienated from this hope of her family whom she abandoned to the
conduct of his mother whose province it undoubtedly was to manage the nurture
of her own child while she herself resumed her operations upon the commodore
whom she was resolved at any rate to captivate and inslave And it must be
owned that Mrs Grizzles knowledge of the human heart never shone so
conspicuous as in the methods she pursued for the accomplishment of this
important aim
Through the rough unpolished husk that cased the soul of Trunnion she could
easily distinguish a large share of that vanity and selfconceit that generally
predominate even in the most savage breast and to this she constantly appealed
In his presence she always exclaimed against the craft and dishonest
dissimulation of the world and never failed of uttering particular invectives
against those arts of chicanry in which the lawyers are so conversant to the
prejudice and ruin of their fellow creatures observing that in a seafaring
life so far as she had opportunities of judging or being informed there was
nothing but friendship sincerity and a hearty contempt for every thing that
was mean or selfish
This kind of conversation with the assistance of certain particular
civilities insensibly made an impression on the mind of the commodore and that
the more effectual as his former prepossessions were built upon very slender
foundations his antipathy to old maids which he had conceived upon hearsay
began gradually to diminish when he found they were not quite such infernal
animals as they had been represented and it was not long before he was heard to
observe at the club that Pickles sister had not so much of the core of bitch
in her as he had imagined This negative compliment by the medium of her
brother soon reached the ears of Mrs Grizzle who thus encouraged redoubled
all her arts and attention so that in less than three months after he in the
same place distinguished her with the epithet of a damned sensible jade
Hatchway taking the alarm at this declaration which he feared foreboded
something fatal to his interest told his commander with a sneer that she had
sense enough to bring him to under her stern and he did not doubt but that
such an old crazy vessel would be the better for being taken in tow »But
howsomever added this arch adviser Id have you take care of your upper
works for if once you are made fast to her poop agad shell spank it away
and make every beam in your body crack with straining« Our sheprojectors
whole plan had like to have been ruined by the effect which this malicious hint
had upon Trunnion whose rage and suspicion being wakened at once his colour
changed from tawny to a cadaverous pale and then shifting to a deep and dusky
red such as we sometimes observe in the sky when it is replete with thunder he
after his usual preamble of unmeaning oaths answered in these words »Damn ye
you juryleggd dog you would give all the stowage in your hold to be as sound
as I am and as for being taken in tow dye see Im not so disabled but that I
can lie my course and perform my voyage without any assistance and agad no
man shall ever see Hawser Trunnion lagging astern in the wake of eer a bitch
in christendom«
Mrs Grizzle who every morning interrogated her brother with regard to the
subject of his nights conversation with his friends soon received the
unwelcome news of the commodores aversion to matrimony and justly imputing the
greatest part of his disgust to the satyrical insinuations of Mr Hatchway
resolved to level this obstruction to her success and actually found means to
interest him in her scheme She had indeed on some occasions a particular
knack at making converts being probably not unacquainted with that grand system
of persuasion which is adopted by the greatest personages of the age as
fraught with maxims much more effectual than all the eloquence of Tully or
Demosthenes even when supported by the demonstrations of truth besides Mr
Hatchways fidelity to his new ally was confirmed by his foreseeing in his
captains marriage an infinite fund of gratification for his own cynical
disposition Thus therefore converted and properly cautioned he for the
future suppressed all the virulence of his wit against the matrimonial state
and as he knew not how to open his mouth in the positive praise of any person
whatever took all opportunities of excepting Mrs Grizzle by name from the
censures he liberally bestowed upon the rest of her sex »She is not a drunkard
like Nan Castick of Deptford he would say nor a nincompoop like Peg Simper
of Woolwich nor a brimstone like Kate Coddle of Chatham nor a shrew like
Nell Griffin on the Point Portsmouth ladies to whom at different times they
had both paid their addresses but a tight good humoured sensible wench who
knows very well how to box her compass well trimmed aloft and well sheathed
alow with a good commodity under her hatches« The commodore at first imagined
this commendation was ironical but hearing it repeated again and again was
filled with astonishment at this surprising change in the lieutenants
behaviour and after a long fit of musing concluded that Hatchway himself
harboured a matrimonial design on the person of Mrs Grizzle
Pleased with this conjecture he rallied Jack in his turn and one night
toasted her health as a compliment to his passion a circumstance which the lady
learning next day by the usual canal of her intelligence and interpreting as
the result of his own tenderness for her she congratulated herself upon the
victory she had obtained and thinking it unnecessary to continue the reserve
she had hitherto industriously affected resolved from that day to sweeten her
behaviour towards him with such a dash of affection as could not fail to
persuade him that he had inspired her with a reciprocal flame In consequence of
this determination he was invited to dinner and while he staid treated with
such cloying proofs of her regard that not only the rest of the company but
even Trunnion himself perceived her drift and taking the alarm accordingly
could not help exclaiming »Oho I see how the land lies and if I dont weather
the point Ill be damnd« Having thus expressed himself to his afflicted
inamorata he made the best of his way to the garrison in which he shut himself
up for the space of ten days and had no communication with his friends and
domesticks but by looks which were most significantly picturesque
Chapter VII
Divers Stratagems are invented and put in Practice in order to overcome the
Obstinacy of Trunnion who at length is teized and tortured into the Noose of
Wedlock
This abrupt departure and unkind declaration affected Mrs Grizzle so much that
she fell sick of sorrow and mortification and after having confined herself to
her bed for three days sent for her brother told him she perceived her end
drawing near and desired that a lawyer might be brought in order to write her
last will Mr Pickle surprised at her demand began to act the part of a
comforter assuring her that her distemper was not at all dangerous and that he
would instantly send for a physician who would convince her that she was in no
manner of jeopardy so that there was no occasion at present to employ any
officious attorney in such a melancholy task Indeed this affectionate brother
was of opinion that a will was altogether superfluous at any rate as he himself
was heir at law to his sisters whole real and personal estate But she insisted
upon his compliance with such determined obstinacy that he could no longer
resist her importunities and a scrivener arriving she dictated and executed
her will in which she bequeathed to commodore Trunnion one thousand pounds to
purchase a mourning ring which she hoped he would wear as a pledge of her
friendship and affection Her brother though he did not much relish this
testimony of her love nevertheless that same evening gave an account of this
particular to Mr Hatchway who was also as Mr Pickle assured him generously
remembered by the testatrix
The lieutenant fraught with this piece of intelligence watched for an
opportunity and as soon as he perceived the commodores features a little
unbended from that ferocious contraction they had suffered so long ventured to
inform him that Pickles sister lay at the point of death and that she had left
him a thousand pounds in her will This piece of news overwhelmed him with
confusion and Mr Hatchway imputing his silence to remorse resolved to take
advantage of that favourable moment and counselled him to go and visit the poor
young woman who was dying for love of him But his admonition happened to be
somewhat unseasonable for Trunnion no sooner heard him mention the cause of her
disorder than his morosity recurring he burst out into a violent fit of
cursing and forthwith betook himself again to his hammock where he lay
uttering in a low growling tone of voice a repetition of oaths and
imprecations for the space of four and twenty hours without ceasing This was
a delicious meal to the lieutenant who eager to inhance the pleasure of the
entertainment still more and at the same time conduce to the success of the
cause he had espoused invented a stratagem the execution of which had all the
effect he could desire He prevailed upon Pipes who was devoted to his service
to get upon the top of the chimney belonging to the commodores chamber at
midnight and to lower down by a rope a bunch of stinking whitings which being
performed he put a speakingtrumpet to his mouth and hollowed down the vent
in a voice like thunder »Trunnion Trunnion turn out and be spliced or lie
still and be damned« This dreadful note the terror of which was increased by
the silence and darkness of the night as well as the eccho of the passage
through which it was conveyed no sooner reached the ears of the astonished
commodore than turning his eye towards the place from whence this solemn
address seemed to proceed he beheld a glittering object that vanished in an
instant and just as his superstitious fear had improved the apparition into
some supernatural messenger cloathed in shining array his opinion was confirmed
by a sudden explosion which he took for thunder though it was no other than
the noise of a pistol fired down the chimney by the boatswains mate according
to the instructions he had received and he had time enough to descend before he
was in any danger of being detected by his commander who could not for a whole
hour recollect himself from the amazement and consternation which had
overpowered his faculties
At length however he got up and rung his bell with great agitation He
repeated the summons more than once but no regard being paid to this alarm his
dread returned with double terror a cold sweat bedewed his limbs his knees
knocked together his hair bristled up and the remains of his teeth were
shattered to pieces in the convulsive vibrations of his jaws
In the midst of this agony he made one desperate effort and bursting open
the door of his apartment bolted into Hatchways chamber which happened to be
on the same floor and there found the lieutenant in a counterfeit swoon who
pretended to wake from his trance in an ejaculation of »Lord have mercy upon
us« And being questioned by the terrified commodore with regard to what had
happened assured him he had heard the same voice and clap of thunder by which
Trunnion himself had been discomposed
Pipes whose turn it was to watch concurred in giving evidence to the same
purpose and the commodore not only owned that he had heard the voice but
likewise communicated his vision with all the aggravation which his disturbed
fancy suggested
A consultation immediately ensued in which Mr Hatchway very gravely
observed that the finger of God was plainly perceivable in those signals and
that it would be both sinful and foolish to disregard his commands especially
as the match proposed was in all respects more advantageous than any that one
of his years and infirmities could reasonably expect declaring that for his own
part he would not endanger his soul and body by living one day longer under the
same roof with a man who despised the holy will of heaven and Tom Pipes adhered
to the same pious resolution
Trunnions perseverance could not resist the number and diversity of
considerations that assaulted it he revolved in silence all the opposite
motives that occurred to his reflection and after having been to all
appearance bewildered in the labyrinth of his own thoughts he wiped the sweat
from his forehead and heaving a piteous groan yielded to their remonstrances
in these words »Well since it must be so I think we must een grapple But
damn my eyes tis a damnd hard case that a fellow of my years should be
compelled dye see to beat up to windward all the rest of his life against
the current of his own inclination«
This important article being discussed Mr Hatchway set out in the morning
to visit the despairing shepherdess and was handsomely rewarded for the
enlivening tidings with which he blessed her ears Sick as she was she could
not help laughing heartily at the contrivance in consequence of which her
swains assent had been obtained and gave the lieutenant ten guineas for Tom
Pipes in consideration of the part he acted in the farce
In the afternoon the commodore suffered himself to be conveyed to her
apartment like a felon to execution and was received by her in a languishing
manner and genteel dishabille accompanied by her sisterinlaw who was for
very obvious reasons extremely sollicitous about her success Though the
lieutenant had tutored him touching his behaviour at this interview he made a
thousand wry faces before he could pronounce the simple salutation of How dye
to his mistress and after his counsellor had urged him with twenty or thirty
whispers to each of which he had replied aloud »Damn your eyes I wont« he
got up and halting towards the couch on which Mrs Grizzle reclined in a state
of strange expectation he seized her hand and pressed it to his lips but this
piece of gallantry he performed in such a reluctant uncouth indignant manner
that the nymph had need of all her resolution to endure the compliment without
shrinking and he himself was so disconcerted at what he had done that he
instantly retired to the other end of the room where he sat silent and broiled
with shame and vexation Mrs Pickle like a sensible matron quitted the place
on pretence of going to the nursery and Mr Hatchway taking the hint
recollected that he had left his tobacco pouch in the parlour whither he
immediately descended leaving the two lovers to their mutual endearments Never
had the commodore found himself in such a disagreeable dilemma before He sat in
an agony of suspence as if he every moment dreaded the dissolution of nature
and the imploring sighs of his future bride added if possible to the pangs of
his distress Impatient of his situation he rolled his eye around in quest of
some relief and unable to contain himself exclaimed »Damnation seize the
fellow and his pouch too I believe he has sheered off and left me here in the
stays« Mrs Grizzle who could not help taking some notice of this
manifestation of chagrin lamented her unhappy fate in being so disagreeable to
him that he could not put up with her company for a few moments without
repining and began in very tender terms to reproach him with his inhumanity and
indifference To this expostulation he replied »Zounds what would the woman
have let the parson do his office when he wool here I am ready to be reeved in
the matrimonial block dye see and damn all nonsensical palaver« So saying
he retreated leaving his mistress not at all disobliged at his plaindealing
That same evening the treaty of marriage was brought upon the carpet and by
means of Mr Pickle and the lieutenant settled to the satisfaction of all
parties without the intervention of lawyers whom Mr Trunnion expressly
excluded from all share in the business making that condition the indispensible
preliminary of the whole agreement Things being brought to this bearing Mrs
Grizzles heart dilated with joy her health which by the bye was never
dangerously impaired she recovered as if by inchantment and a day being fixed
for the nuptials employed the short period of her celibacy in choosing
ornaments for the celebration of her entrance into the married state
Chapter VIII
Preparations are made for the Commodores Wedding which is delayed by an
Accident that hurried him the Lord knows whither
The fame of this extraordinary conjunction spread all over the county and on
the day appointed for their spousals the church was surrounded by an
inconceivable multitude The commodore to give a specimen of his gallantry by
the advice of his friend Hatchway resolved to appear on horseback on the grand
occasion at the head of all his male attendants whom he had rigged with the
white shirts and black caps formerly belonging to his barges crew and he
bought a couple of hunters for the accommodation of himself and his lieutenant
With this equipage then he set out from the garrison for the church after
having dispatched a messenger to apprize the bride that he and his company were
mounted whereupon she got immediately into the coach accompanied by her
brother and wife and drove directly to the place of assignation where several
pews were demolished and divers persons almost pressed to death by the
eagerness of the crowd that broke in to see the ceremony performed Thus arrived
at the altar and the priest in attendance they waited a whole half hour for
the commodore at whose slowness they began to be under some apprehension and
accordingly dismissed a servant to quicken his pace The valet having rode
something more than a mile espied the whole troop disposed in a long field
crossing the road obliquely and headed by the bridegroom and his friend
Hatchway who finding himself hindered by a hedge from proceeding farther in the
same direction fired a pistol and stood over to the other side making an
obtuse angle with the line of his former course and the rest of the squadron
followed his example keeping always in the rear of each other like a flight of
wild geese
Surprized at this strange method of journeying the messenger came up and
told the commodore that his lady and her company expected him in the church
where they had tarried a considerable time and were beginning to be very uneasy
at his delay and therefore desired he would proceed with more expedition To
this message Mr Trunnion replied »Hark ye brother dont you see we make all
possible speed go back and tell those who sent you that the wind has shifted
since we weighed anchor and that we are obliged to make very short trips in
tacking by reason of the narrowness of the channel and that as we lie within
six points of the wind they must make some allowance for variation and leeway«
»Lord Sir said the valet what occasion have you to go zig zag in that
manner Do but clap spurs to your horses and ride straight forward and Ill
engage you shall be at the church porch in less than a quarter of an hour«
»What right in the winds eye answered the commander ahey brother where
did you learn your navigation Hawser Trunnion is not to be taught at this time
of day how to lie his course or keep his own reckoning And as for you
brother you know best the trim of your own frigate« The courier finding he had
to do with people who would not be easily persuaded out of their own opinions
returned to the temple and made a report of what he had seen and heard to the
no small consolation of the bride who had begun to discover some signs of
disquiet Composed however by this piece of intelligence she exerted her
patience for the space of another half hour during which period seeing no
bridegroom arrive she was exceedingly alarmed so that all the spectators could
easily perceive her perturbation which manifested itself in frequent
palpitations heartheavings and alterations of countenance in spite of the
assistance of a smellingbottle which she incessantly applied to her nostrils
Various were the conjectures of the company on this occasion some imagined
he had mistaken the place of rendezvous as he had never been at church since he
first settled in that parish others believed he had met with some accident in
consequence of which his attendants had carried him back to his own house and a
third set in which the bride herself was thought to be comprehended could not
help suspecting that the commodore had changed his mind But all these
suppositions ingenious as they were happened to be wide of the true cause that
detained him which was no other than this the commodore and his crew had by
dint of turning almost weathered the parsons house that stood to windward of
the church when the notes of a pack of hounds unluckily reached the ears of the
two hunters which Trunnion and the lieutenant bestrode These fleet animals no
sooner heard the enlivening sound than eager for the chace they sprung away all
of a sudden and straining every nerve to partake of the sport flew across the
fields with incredible speed overleaping hedges and ditches and every thing in
their way without the least regard to their unfortunate riders The lieutenant
whose steed had got the heels of the other finding it would be great folly and
presumption in him to pretend to keep the saddle with his wooden leg very
wisely took the opportunity of throwing himself off in his passage through a
field of rich clover among which he lay at his ease and seeing his captain
advancing at full gallop hailed him with the salutation of »What chear ho«
The commodore who was in infinite distress eying him askance as he passed
replied with a faultering voice »O damn ye you are safe at an anchor I wish
to God I were as fast moored« Nevertheless conscious of his disabled heel he
would not venture to try the same experiment which had succeeded so well with
Hatchway but resolved to stick as close as possible to his horses back until
providence should interpose in his behalf With this view he dropped his whip
and with his right hand laid fast hold on the pummel contracting every muscle
in his body to secure himself in the seat and grinning most formidably in
consequence of this exertion In this attitude he was hurried on a considerable
way when all of a sudden his view was comforted by a five bar gate that
appeared before him as he never doubted that there the career of his hunter
must necessarily end But alas he reckoned without his host far from halting
at this obstruction the horse sprung over it with amazing agility to the utter
confusion and disorder of his owner who lost his hat and periwig in the leap
and now began to think in good earnest that he was actually mounted on the back
of the devil He recommended himself to God his reflection forsook him his
eyesight and all his other senses failed he quitted the reins and fastening
by instinct on the mane was in this condition conveyed into the midst of the
sportsmen who were astonished at the sight of such an apparition Neither was
their surprize to be wondered at if we reflect on the figure that presented
itself to their view The commodores person was at all times an object of
admiration much more so on this occasion when every singularity was aggravated
by the circumstances of his dress and disaster
He had put on in honour of his nuptials his best coat of blue broad cloth
cut by a taylor of Ramsgate and trimmed with five dozen of brass buttons large
and small his breeches were of the same piece fastened at the knees with large
bunches of tape his waistcoat was of red plush lapelled with green velvet and
garnished with vellum holes his boots bore an intimate resemblance both in
colour and shape to a pair of leathern buckets his shoulder was graced with a
broad buff belt from whence depended a huge hanger with a hilt like that of a
backsword and on each side of his pummel appeared a rusty pistol rammed in a
case covered with bearskin The loss of his tyeperiwig and laced hat which
were curiosities of the kind did not at all contribute to the improvement of
the picture but on the contrary by exhibiting his bald pate and the natural
extension of his lanthorn jaws added to the peculiarity and extravagance of the
whole Such a spectacle could not have failed of diverting the whole company
from the chace had his horse thought proper to pursue a different route but
the beast was too keen a sporter to choose any other way than that which the
stag followed and therefore without stopping to gratify the curiosity of the
spectators he in a few minutes outstripped every hunter in the field and there
being a deep hollow way betwixt him and the hounds rather than ride round about
the length of a furlong to a path that crossed the lane he transported himself
at one jump to the unspeakable astonishment and terror of a waggoner who
chanced to be underneath and saw this phenomenon fly over his carriage This
was not the only adventure he atchieved The stag having taken a deep river that
lay in his way every man directed his course to a bridge in the neighbourhood
but our bridegrooms courser despising all such conveniences plunged into the
stream without hesitation and swam in a twinkling to the opposite shore This
sudden immersion into an element of which Trunnion was properly a native in all
probability helped to recruit the exhausted spirits of his rider who at his
landing on the other side gave some tokens of sensation by hollowing aloud for
assistance which he could not possibly receive because his horse still
maintained the advantage he had gained and would not allow himself to be
overtaken
In short after a long chace that lasted several hours and extended to a
dozen miles at least he was the first in at the death of the deer being
seconded by the lieutenants gelding which actuated by the same spirit had
without a rider followed his companions example
Our bridegroom finding himself at last brought up or in other words, at the
end of his career took the opportunity of this first pause to desire the
huntsmen would lend him a hand in dismounting and was by their condescension
safely placed on the grass where he sat staring at the company as they came in
with such wildness of astonishment in his looks as if he had been a creature of
another species dropt among them from the clouds
Before they had fleshed the hounds however he recollected himself and
seeing one of the sportsmen take a small flask out of his pocket and apply it to
his mouth judged the cordial to be no other than neat Coniac which it really
was and expressing a desire of participation was immediately accommodated with
a moderate dose which perfectly compleated his recovery
By this time he and his two horses had engrossed the attention of the whole
crowd while some admired the elegant proportion and uncommon spirit of the two
animals the rest contemplated the surprising appearance of their master whom
before they had only seen en passant and at length one of the gentlemen
accosting him very courteously signified his wonder at seeing him in such an
equipage and asked if he had not dropped his companion by the way »Why look
ye brother replied the commodore mayhap you think me an odd sort of a
fellow seeing me in this trim especially as I have lost part of my rigging
but this here is the case dye see I weighed anchor from my own house this
morning at ten AM with fair weather and a favourable breeze at south
southeast being bound to the next church on the voyage of matrimony but
howsomever we had not run down a quarter of a league when the wind shifting
blowed directly in our teeth so that we were forced to tack all the way dye
see and had almost beat up within sight of port when these sons of bitches of
horses which I had bought but two days before for my own part I believe they
are devils incarnate luffed round in a trice and then refusing the helm drove
away like lightning with me and my lieutenant who soon came to anchor in an
exceeding good birth As for my own part I have been carried over rocks and
flats and quicksands among which I have pitched away a special good
tyeperiwig and an ironbound hat and at last thank God am got into smooth
water and safe riding but if ever I venture my carcase upon such a hareum
scareum blood of a bitch again my name is not Hawser Trunnion dn my eyes«
One of the company struck with this name which he had often heard
immediately laid hold on his declaration at the close of this singular account
and observing that his horses were very vicious asked how he intended to
return »As for that matter replied Mr Trunnion I am resolved to hire a
sledge or waggon or such a thing as a jackass for Ill be dnd if ever I
cross the back of a horse again« »And what do you propose to do with these
creatures said the other pointing to the hunters they seem to have some
mettle but then they are meer colts and will take the devil and all of
breaking Methinks this hither one is shoulder slipped« »Damn them cried the
commodore I wish both their necks were broke thof the two cost me forty good
yellowboys« »Forty guineas exclaimed the stranger who was a squire and a
jocky as well as owner of the pack Lord Lord how a man may be imposed upon
Why these cattle are clumsy enough to go to plow mind what a flat counter do
but observe how sharp this here one is in the withers then hes fired in the
further fetlock« In short this connoisseur in horseflesh having discovered in
them all the defects which can possibly be found in that species of animals
offered to give him ten guineas for the two saying he would convert them into
beasts of burthen The owner who after what had happened was very well
disposed to listen to any thing that was said to their prejudice implicitly
believed the truth of the strangers asseverations discharged a furious volley
of oaths against the rascal who had taken him in and forthwith struck a bargain
with the squire who paid him instantly for his purchase in consequence of
which he won the plate at the next Canterbury races
This affair being transacted to the mutual satisfaction of both parties as
well as to the general entertainment of the company who laughed in their
sleeves at the dexterity of their friend Trunnion was set upon the squires own
horse and led by his servant in the midst of this cavalcade which proceeded to
a neighbouring village where they had bespoke dinner and where our bridegroom
found means to provide himself with another hat and wig With regard to his
marriage he bore his disappointment with the temper of a philosopher and the
exercise he had undergone having quickened his appetite sat down at table in
the midst of his new acquaintance making a very hearty meal and moistening
every morsel with a draught of the ale which he found very much to his
satisfaction
Chapter IX
He is found by the Lieutenant reconducted to his own House married to Mrs
Grizzle who meets with a small Misfortune in the Night and asserts her
Prerogative next Morning in consequence of which her Husbands Eye is
endangered
Mean while lieutenant Hatchway made shift to hobble to the church where he
informed the company of what had happened to the commodore and the bride
behaved with great decency on the occasion for as soon as she understood the
danger to which her future husband was exposed she fainted in the arms of her
sisterinlaw to the surprize of all the spectators who could not comprehend
the cause of her disorder and when she was recovered by the application of
smellingbottles earnestly begged that Mr Hatchway and Tom Pipes would take
her brothers coach and go in quest of their commander
This task they readily undertook being escorted by all the rest of his
adherents on horseback while the bride and her friends were invited to the
parsons house and the ceremony deferred till another occasion
The lieutenant steering his course as near the line of direction in which
Trunnion went off as the coachroad would permit got intelligence of his track
from one farmhouse to another for such an apparition could not fail of
attracting particular notice and one of the horsemen having picked up his hat
and wig in a byepath the whole troop entered the village where he was lodged
about four oclock in the afternoon When they understood he was safely housed
at the George they rode up to the door in a body and expressed their
satisfaction in three chears which were returned by the company within as soon
as they were instructed in the nature of the salute by Trunnion who by this
time had entered into all the jollity of his new friends and was indeed more
than halfseas over The lieutenant was introduced to all present as his sworn
brother and had something tossed up for his dinner Tom Pipes and the crew were
regaled in another room and a fresh pair of horses being put to the coach
about six in the evening the commodore with all his attendants departed for
the garrison after having shook hands with every individual in the house
Without any farther accident he was conveyed in safety to his own gate
before nine and committed to the care of Pipes who carried him instantly to
his hammock while the lieutenant was driven away to the place where the bride
and her friends remained in great anxiety which vanished when he assured them
that his commodore was safe being succeeded by abundance of mirth and
pleasantry at the account he gave of Trunnions adventure
Another day was fixed for the nuptials and in order to baulk the curiosity
of idle people which had given great offence the parson was prevailed upon to
perform the ceremony in the garrison which all that day was adorned with flags
and pendants displayed and at night illuminated by the direction of Hatchway
who also ordered the patereroes to be fired as soon as the marriage knot was
tied Neither were the other parts of the entertainment neglected by this
ingenious contriver who produced undeniable proofs of his elegance and art in
the weddingsupper which had been committed to his management and direction
This general banquet was intirely composed of seadishes a huge pillaw
consisting of a large piece of beef sliced a couple of fowls and half a peck
of rice smoaked in the middle of the board a dish of hard fish swimming in oil
appeared at each end the sides being furnished with a mess of that savoury
composition known by the name of lobs course and a plate of salmagundy The
second course displayed a goose of a monstrous magnitude flanked with two
Guineahens a pig barbecud an hock of salt pork in the midst of a
peasepudding a leg of mutton roasted with potatoes and another boiled with
yams The third service was made up of a loin of fresh pork with applesauce a
kid smothered with onions and a terrapin baked in the shell and last of all a
prodigious seapye was presented with an infinite volume of pancakes and
fritters That every thing might be answerable to the magnificence of this
delicate feast he had provided vast quantities of strong beer flip rumbo and
burnt brandy with plenty of Barbadoes water for the ladies and hired all the
fiddles within six miles who with the addition of a drum bagpipe and
Welchharp regaled the guests with a most melodious concert
The company who were not at all exceptious seemed extremely well pleased
with every particular of the entertainment and the evening being spent in the
most social manner the bride was by her sister conducted to her apartment
where however a trifling circumstance had like to have destroyed the harmony
which had been hitherto maintained
I have already observed that there was not one standing bed within the
walls therefore the reader will not wonder that Mrs Trunnion was out of
humour when she found herself under the necessity of being confined with her
spouse in a hammock which tho enlarged with a double portion of canvas and
dilated with a yoke for the occasion was at best but a disagreeable not to say
dangerous situation She accordingly complained with some warmth of this
inconvenience which she imputed to disrespect and at first absolutely refused
to put up with the expedient but Mrs Pickle soon brought her to reason and
compliance by observing that one night would soon be elapsed and next day she
might regulate her own oeconomy
Thus persuaded she ventured into the vehicle and was visited by her
husband in less than an hour the company being departed to their own homes and
the garrison left to the command of his lieutenant and mate But it seems the
hooks that supported this swinging couch were not calculated for the addition of
weight which they were now destined to bear and therefore gave way in the
middle of the night to the no small terror of Mrs Trunnion who perceiving
herself falling screamed aloud and by that exclamation brought Hatchway with a
light into the chamber Tho she had received no injury by the fall she was
extremely discomposed and incensed at the accident which she even openly
ascribed to the obstinacy and whimsical oddity of the commodore in such
petulant terms as evidently declared that she thought her great aim
accomplished and her authority secured against all the shocks of fortune
Indeed her bedfellow seemed to be of the same opinion by his tacit resignation
for he made no reply to her insinuations but with a most vinegar aspect crawled
out of his nest and betook himself to rest in another apartment while his
irritated spouse dismissed the lieutenant and from the wreck of the hammock
made an occasional bed for herself on the floor fully determined to provide
better accommodation for next nights lodging
Having no inclination to sleep her thoughts during the remaining part of
the night were engrossed by a scheme of reformation she was resolved to execute
in the family and no sooner did the first lark bid salutation to the morn than
starting from her humble couch and huddling on her cloaths she sallied from
her chamber explored her way thro paths before unknown and in the course of
her researches perceived a large bell to which she made such effectual
application as alarmed every soul in the family In a moment she was surrounded
by Hatchway Pipes and all the rest of the servants half dressed but seeing
none of the feminine gender appear she began to storm at the sloth and laziness
of the maids who she observed ought to have been at work an hour at least
before she called and then for the first time understood that no woman was
permitted to sleep within the walls
She did not fail to exclaim against this regulation and being informed that
the cook and chambermaid lodged in a small officehouse that stood without the
gate ordered the drawbridge to be let down and in person beat up their
quarters commanding them forthwith to set about scouring the rooms which had
not been hitherto kept in a very decent condition while two men were
immediately employed to transport the bed on which she used to lie from her
brothers house to her new habitation so that in less than two hours the
whole oeconomy of the garrison was turned topsyturvy and everything involved
in such tumult and noise that Trunnion being disturbed and distracted with the
uproar turned out in his shirt like a frantic maniac and arming himself with a
cudgel of crabtree made an irruption into his wifes apartment where
perceiving a couple of carpenters at work in joining a bedstead he with many
dreadful oaths and opprobrious invectives ordered them to desist swearing he
would suffer no bulkheads nor hurricanehouses to stand where he was master
but finding his remonstrances disregarded by these mechanics who believed him
to be some madman belonging to the family who had broke from his confinement
he assaulted them both with great fury and indignation and was handled so
roughly in the encounter that in a very short time he measured his length on
the floor in consequence of a blow that he received from a hammer by which the
sight of his remaining eye was grievously endangered
Having thus reduced him to a state of subjection they resolved to secure
him with cords and were actually busy in adjusting his fetters when he was
exempted from the disgrace by the accidental entrance of his spouse who rescued
him from the hands of his adversaries and in the midst of her condolance
imputed his misfortune to the inconsiderate roughness of his own disposition
He breathed nothing but revenge and made some efforts to chastise the
insolence of the workmen who as soon as they understood his quality asked
forgiveness for what they had done with great humility protesting that they did
not know he was master of the house But far from being satisfied with this
apology he groped about for the bell the inflammation on his eye having
utterly deprived him of sight and the rope being by the precaution of the
delinquents conveyed out of his reach began to storm with incredible
vociferation like a lion roaring in the toil pouring forth innumerable oaths
and execrations and calling by name Hatchway and Pipes who being within
hearing obeyed the extraordinary summons and were ordered to put the
carpenters in irons for having audaciously assaulted him in his own house
His myrmidons seeing he had been evilintreated were exasperated at the
insult he had suffered which they considered as an affront upon the dignity of
the garrison the more so as the mutineers seemed to put themselves in a
posture of defence and set their authority at defiance they therefore
unsheathed their cutlasses which they commonly wore as badges of their
commission and a desperate engagement in all probability would have ensued
had not the lady of the castle interposed and prevented the effects of their
animosity by assuring the lieutenant that the commodore had been the aggressor
and that the workmen finding themselves attacked in such an extraordinary
manner by a person whom they did not know were obliged to act in their own
defence by which he had received that unlucky contusion
Mr Hatchway no sooner learnt the sentiments of Mrs Trunnion than
sheathing his indignation he told the commodore he should always be ready to
execute his lawful commands but that he could not in conscience be concerned in
oppressing poor people who had been guilty of no offence
This unexpected declaration together with the behaviour of his wife who in
his hearing desired the carpenters to resume their work filled the breast of
Trunnion with rage and mortification He pulled off his woollen nightcap
pummelled his bare pate beat the floor alternately with his feet swore his
people had betrayed him and cursed himself to the lowest pit of hell for
having admitted such a cockatrice into his family But all these exclamations
did not avail they were among the last essays of his resistance to the will of
his wife whose influence among his adherents had already swallowed up his own
and who now peremptorily told him that he must leave the management of every
thing within doors to her who understood best what was for his honour and
advantage She then ordered a poultice to be prepared for his eye which being
applied he was committed to the care of Pipes by whom he was led about the
house like a blind bear growling for prey while his industrious yokefellow
executed every circumstance of the plan she had projected so that when he
recovered his vision he was an utter stranger in his own house
Chapter X
The Commodore being in some Cases restif his Lady has recourse to Artifice in
the establishment of her Throne she exhibits Symptoms of Pregnancy to the
unspeakable Joy of Trunnion who nevertheless is baulked in his Expectation
These innovations were not effected without many loud objections on his part
and divers curious dialogues passed between him and his yokefellow who always
came off victorious from the dispute insomuch that his countenance gradually
fell he began to suppress and at length intirely devoured his chagrin the
terrors of superior authority were plainly perceivable in his features and in
less than three months he became a thoroughpaced husband Not that his
obstinacy was extinguished tho overcome in some things he was as inflexible
and muleish as ever but then he durst not kick so openly and was reduced to
the necessity of being passive in his resentments Mrs Trunnion for example
proposed that a coach and six should be purchased as she could not ride on
horseback and the chaise was a scandalous carriage for a person of her
condition the commodore conscious of his own inferior capacity in point of
reasoning did not think proper to dispute the proposal but lent a deaf ear to
her repeated remonstrances tho they were inforced with every argument which
she thought could sooth terrify shame or decoy him into compliance in vain
did she urge the excess of affection she had for him as meriting some return of
tenderness and condescension he was even proof against certain menacing hints
she gave touching the resentment of a slighted woman and he stood out against
all the considerations of dignity or disgrace like a bulwark of brass Neither
was he moved to any indecent or unkind expressions of contradiction even when
she upbraided him with his sordid disposition and put him in mind of the
fortune and honour he had acquired by his marriage but seemed to retire within
himself like a tortoise when attacked that shrinks within its shell and
silently endure the scourge of her reproaches without seeming sensible of the
smart
This however was the only point in which she had been baffled since her
nuptials and as she could by no means digest the miscarriage she tortured her
invention for some new plan by which she might augment her influence and
authority what her genius refused was supplied by accident for she had not
lived four months in the garrison when she was seized with frequent qualms and
reachings her breasts began to harden and her stomach to be remarkably
prominent in a word she congratulated herself on the symptoms of her own
fertility and the commodore was transported with joy at the prospect of an
heir of his own begetting
She knew this was the proper season for vindicating her own sovereignty and
accordingly employed the means which nature had put in her power There was not
a rare piece of furniture and apparel for which she did not long and one day as
she went to church seeing lady Statelys equipage arrive she suddenly fainted
away Her husband whose vanity had never been so perfectly gratified as with
this promised harvest of his own sowing took the alarm immediately and in
order to prevent relapses of that kind which might be attended with fatal
consequences to his hope gave her leave to bespeak a coach horses and liveries
to her own liking Thus authorized she in a very little time exhibited such a
specimen of her own taste and magnificence as afforded speculation to the whole
county and made Trunnions heart quake within him because he foresaw no limits
to her extravagance which also manifested itself in the most expensive
preparations for her lyingin
Her pride which had hitherto regarded the representative of her fathers
house seemed now to lose all that hereditary respect and prompt her to
outshine and undervalue the elder branch of her family She behaved to Mrs
Pickle with a sort of civil reserve that implied a conscious superiority and an
emulation in point of grandeur immediately commenced between the two sisters
She every day communicated her importance to the whole parish under pretence of
taking the air in her coach and endeavoured to extend her acquaintance among
people of fashion Nor was this an undertaking attended with great difficulty
for all persons whatever capable of maintaining a certain appearance will
always find admission into what is called the best company and be rated in
point of character according to their own valuation without subjecting their
pretensions to the smallest doubt or examination In all her visits and parties
she seized every opportunity of declaring her present condition observing that
she was forbid by her physicians to taste such a pickle and that such a dish
was poison to a woman in her way nay where she was on a footing of
familiarity she affected to make wry faces and complained that the young rogue
began to be very unruly writhing herself into divers contortions as if she had
been grievously incommoded by the mettle of this future Trunnion The husband
himself did not behave with all the moderation that might have been expected at
the club he frequently mentiond this circumstance of his own vigour as a pretty
successful feat to be performed by an old fellow of fiftyfive and confirmed
the opinion of his strength by redoubled squeezes of the landlords hand which
never failed of extorting a satisfactory certificate of his might When his
companions drank to the Hans en kelderr or Jack in the low cellar he could not
help displaying an extraordinary complacence of countenance and signified his
intention of sending the young dog to sea as soon as he should be able to carry
a cartridge in hopes of seeing him an officer before his own death
This hope helped to console him under the extraordinary expence to which he
was exposed by the profusion of his wife especially when he considered that his
compliance with her prodigality would be limited to the expiration of the nine
months of which the best part was by this time elapsed yet in spite of all
this philosophical resignation her fancy sometimes soared to such a ridiculous
and intolerable pitch of insolence and absurdity that his temper forsook him
and he could not help wishing in secret that her pride might be confounded in
the dissipation of her most flattering hopes even tho he himself should be a
principal sufferer by the disappointment These however were no other than the
suggestions of temporary disgusts that commonly subsided as suddenly as they
arose and never gave the least disturbance to the person who inspired them
because he took care to conceal them from her knowledge
Mean while she happily advanced in her reckoning with the promise of a
favourable issue the term of her computation expired and in the middle of the
night she was visited by certain warnings that seemed to bespeak the approach of
the critical moment The commodore got up with great alacrity and called the
midwife who had been several days in the house the gossips were immediately
summoned and the most interesting expectations prevailed but the symptoms of
labour gradually vanished and as the matrons sagely observed this was no more
than a false alarm
Two nights after they received a second intimation and as she was sensibly
diminished in the waist every thing was supposed to be in a fair way yet this
visitation was not more conclusive than the former her pains wore off in spite
of all her endeavours to encourage them and the good women betook themselves to
their respective homes in expectation of finding the third attack decisive
alluding to the wellknown maxim that number three is always fortunate For
once however this apothegm failed the next call was altogether as ineffectual
as the former and moreover attended with a phænomenon which to them was
equally strange and inexplicable this was no other than such a reduction in the
size of Mrs Trunnion as might have been expected after the birth of a
fullgrown child Startled at such an unaccountable event they sat in close
divan and concluding that the case was in all respects unnatural and
prodigious desired that a messenger might be immediately dispatched for some
male practitioner in the art of midwifery
The commodore without guessing the cause of their perplexity ordered Pipes
immediately on this piece of duty and in less than two hours they were assisted
by the advice of a surgeon of the neighbourhood who boldly affirmed that the
patient had never been with child This asseveration was like a clap of thunder
to Mr Trunnion who had been during eight whole days and nights in continual
expectation of being hailed with the appellation of father
After some recollection he swore the surgeon was an ignorant fellow and
that he would not take his word for what he advanced being comforted and
confirmed in his want of faith by the insinuations of the midwife who still
persisted to feed Mrs Trunnion with hopes of a speedy and safe delivery
observing that she had been concerned in many a case of the same nature where a
fine child was found even after all signs of the mothers pregnancy had
disappeared Every twig of hope how slender soever it may be is eagerly caught
hold on by people who find themselves in danger of being disappointed To every
question proposed by her to the lady with the preamble of »Hant you« or »Dont
you« an answer was made in the affirmative whether agreeable to truth or not
because the respondent could not find in her heart to disown any symptom that
might favour the notion she had so long indulged
This experienced proficient in the obstetric art was therefore kept in close
attendance for the space of three weeks during which the patient had several
returns of what she pleased herself with believing to be labourpains till at
length she and her husband became the standing joke of the parish and this
infatuated couple could scarce be prevailed upon to part with their hopes even
when she appeared as lank as a greyhound and they were furnished with other
unquestionable proofs of their having been deceived But they could not for ever
remain under the influence of this sweet delusion which at last faded away and
was succeeded by a paroxism of shame and confusion that kept the husband within
doors for the space of a whole fortnight and confined his lady to her bed for a
series of weeks during which she suffered all the anguish of the most intense
mortification yet even this was subdued by the lenient hand of time
The first respite from her chagrin was employed in the strict discharge of
what are called the duties of religion which she performed with the most
rancorous severity setting on foot a persecution in her own family that made
the house too hot for all the menial servants even ruffled the almost
invincible indifference of Tom Pipes harrassed the commodore himself out of all
patience and spared no individual but lieutenant Hatchway whom she never
ventured to disoblige
Chapter XI
Mrs Trunnion erects a Tyranny in the Garrison while her Husband conceives an
Affection for his Nephew Perry who manifests a Peculiarity of Disposition even
in his tender Years
Having exercised herself three months in such pious amusements she appeared
again in the world but her misfortune had made such an impression on her mind
that she could not bear the sight of a child and trembled whenever the
conversation happened to turn upon a christening Her temper which was
naturally none of the sweetest seemed to have imbibed a double proportion of
souring from her disappointment of consequence her company was not much
coveted and she found very few people disposed to treat her with those marks of
consideration which she looked upon as her due This neglect detached her from
the society of an unmannerly world she concentred the energy of all her talents
in the government of her own house which groaned accordingly under her
arbitrary sway and in the brandybottle found ample consolation for all the
affliction she had undergone
As for the commodore he in a little time weathered his disgrace after
having sustained many severe jokes from the lieutenant and now his chief aim
being to be absent from his own house as much as possible he frequented the
publickhouse more than ever more assiduously cultivated the friendship of his
brotherinlaw Mr Pickle and in the course of their intimacy conceived an
affection for his nephew Perry which did not end but with his life Indeed it
must be owned that Trunnion was not naturally deficient in the social passions
of the soul which tho they were strangely warped disguised and overborne by
the circumstances of his boisterous life and education did not fail to manifest
themselves occasionally thro the whole course of his behaviour
As all his hopes of propagating his own name had perished and his relations
lay under the interdiction of his hate it is no wonder that thro the
familiarity and friendly intercourse subsisting between him and Mr Gamaliel he
contracted a liking for the boy who by this time entered the third year of his
age and was indeed a very handsome healthy and promising child and what
seemed to ingratiate him still more with his uncle was a certain oddity of
disposition for which he had been remarkable even from his cradle It is
reported of him that before the first year of his infancy was elapsed he used
very often immediately after being dressed in the midst of the caresses which
were bestowed upon him by his mother while she indulged herself in the
contemplation of her own happiness all of a sudden to alarm her with a fit of
shrieks and cries which continued with great violence till he was stripped to
the skin with the utmost expedition by order of his affrighted parent who
thought his tender body was tortured by the misapplication of some unlucky pin
and when he had given them all this disturbance and unnecessary trouble he
would lie sprawling and laughing in their faces as if he ridiculed the
impertinence of their concern Nay it is affirmed that one day when an old
woman who attended in the nursery had by stealth conveyed a bottle of cordial
waters to her mouth he pulled his nurse by the sleeve and by a slight glance
detecting the theft tipt her the wink with a particular slyness of countenance
as if he had said with a sneer »Ay ay that is what you must all come to« But
these instances of reflection in a babe nine months old are so incredible that
I look upon them as ex post facto observations founded upon imaginary
recollection when he was in a more advanced age and his peculiarities of
temper became much more remarkable of a piece with the ingenious discoveries of
those sagacious observers who can discern something evidently characteristic in
the features of any noted personage whose character they have previously heard
explained yet without pretending to specify at what period of his childhood
this singularity first appeared I can with great truth declare that when he
first attracted the notice and affection of his uncle it was plainly
perceivable
One would imagine he had marked out the commodore as a proper object of
ridicule for almost all his little childish satire was levelled against him I
will not deny that he might have been influenced in this particular by the
example and instruction of Mr Hatchway who delighted in superintending the
first essays of his genius As the gout had taken up its residence in Mr
Trunnions great toe from whence it never removed no not for a day little
Perry took great pleasure in treading by accident on this infirm member and
when his uncle incensed by the pain used to damn him for a hellbegotten brat
he would appease him in a twinkling by returning the curse with equal emphasis
and asking what was the matter with old Hannibal Tough an appellation by which
the lieutenant had taught him to distinguish this grim commander
Neither was this the only experiment he tried upon the patience of the
commodore with whose nose he used to take indecent freedoms even while he was
fondled on his knee in one month he put him to the expence of two guineas in
sealskin by picking his pocket of divers tobacco pouches all of which he in
secret committed to the flames Nor did the caprice of his disposition abstain
from the favourite beverage of Trunnion who more than once swallowed a whole
draught in which his brothers snuffbox had been emptied before he perceived
the disagreeable infusion and one day when the commodore had chastised him by
a gentle tap with his cane he fell flat on the floor as if he had been deprived
of all sense and motion to the terror and amazement of the striker and after
having filled the whole house with confusion and dismay opened his eyes and
laughed heartily at the success of his own imposition
It would be an endless and perhaps no very agreeable task to enumerate all
the unlucky pranks he played upon his uncle and others before he attained the
fourth year of his age about which time he was sent with an attendant to a
dayschool in the neighbourhood that to use his good mothers own expression
he might be out of harms way Here however he made little progress except in
mischief which he practised with impunity because the schoolmistress would
run no risk of disobliging a lady of fortune by exercising unnecessary
severities upon her only child Nevertheless Mrs Pickle was not so blindly
partial as to be pleased with such unseasonable indulgence Perry was taken out
of the hands of this courteous teacher and committed to the instruction of a
pedagogue who was ordered to administer such correction as the boy should in
his opinion deserve This authority he did not neglect to use his pupil was
regularly flogged twice a day and after having been subjected to this course of
discipline for the space of eighteen months declared the most obstinate dull
and untoward genius that ever had fallen under his cultivation instead of being
reformed he seemed rather hardened and confirmed in his vicious inclinations
and was dead to all sense of fear as well as shame His mother was extremely
mortified at these symptoms of stupidity which she considered as an inheritance
derived from the spirit of his father and consequently insurmountable by all
the efforts of human care But the commodore rejoiced over the ruggedness of his
nature and was particularly pleased when upon inquiry he found that Perry had
beaten all the boys in the school a circumstance from which he prognosticated
every thing that was fair and fortunate in his future fate observing that at
his age he himself was just such another The boy who was now turned of six
having profited so little under the birch of his unsparing governor Mrs Pickle
was counselled to send him to a boardingschool not far from London which was
kept by a certain person very eminent for his successful method of education
This advice she the more readily embraced because at that time she found
herself pretty far gone with another child that she hoped would console her for
the disappointment she had met with in the unpromising talents of Perry or at
any rate divide her concern so as to enable her to endure the absence of
either
Chapter XII
Peregrine is sent to a BoardingSchool becomes Remarkable for his Genius and
Ambition
The commodore understanding her determination to which her husband did not
venture to make the least objection interested himself so much in behalf of his
favourite as to fit him out at his own charge and accompany him in person to
the place of his destination where he defrayed the expence of his entrance and
left him to the particular care and inspection of the usher who having been
recommended to him as a person of parts and integrity received per advance a
handsome consideration for the task he undertook
Nothing could be better judged than this piece of liberality the assistant
was actually a man of learning probity and good sense and though obliged by
the scandalous administration of fortune to act in the character of an inferior
teacher had by his sole capacity and application brought the school to that
degree of reputation which it never could have obtained from the talents of his
superior He had established an oeconomy which though regular was not at all
severe by enacting a body of laws suited to the age and comprehension of every
individual and each transgressor was fairly tried by his peers and punished
according to the verdict of the jury No boy was scourged for want of
apprehension but a spirit of emulation was raised by welltimed praise and
artful comparison and maintained by a distribution of small prizes which were
adjudged to those who signalized themselves either by their industry sobriety
or genius This tutor whose name was Jennings began with Perry according to
his constant maxim by examining the soil that is studying his temper in
order to consult the biass of his disposition which was strangely perverted by
the absurd discipline he had undergone He found him in a state of sullen
insensibility which the child had gradually contracted in a long course of
stupifying correction and at first he was not in the least actuated by that
commendation which animated the rest of his schoolfellows nor was it in the
power of reproach to excite his ambition which had been buried as it were in
the grave of disgrace the usher therefore had recourse to contemptuous neglect
with which he affected to treat this stubborn spirit foreseeing that if he
retained any seeds of sentiment this weather would infallibly raise them into
vegetation his judgment was justified by the event the boy in a little time
began to make observations he perceived the marks of distinction with which
virtue was rewarded grew ashamed of the despicable figure he himself made
amongst his companions who far from courting rather shunned his conversation
and actually pined at his own want of importance
Mr Jennings saw and rejoiced at his mortification which he suffered to
proceed as far as possible without endangering his health The child lost all
relish for diversion loathed his food grew pensive solitary and was
frequently found weeping by himself These symptoms plainly evinced the recovery
of his feelings to which his governor thought it now high time to make
application and therefore by little and little altered his behaviour from the
indifference he had put on to the appearance of more regard and attention This
produced a favourable change in the boy whose eyes sparkled with satisfaction
one day when his master expressed himself with a shew of surprize in these
words »So Perry I find you dont want genius when you think proper to use
it« Such encomiums kindled the spirit of emulation in his little breast he
exerted himself with surprising alacrity by which he soon acquitted himself of
the imputation of dullness and obtained sundry honorary silver pennies as
acknowledgements of his application his schoolfellows now sollicited his
friendship as eagerly as they had avoided it before and in less than a
twelvemonth after his arrival this supposed dunce was remarkable for the
brightness of his parts having in that short period learnt to read English
perfectly well made great progress in writing enabled himself to speak the
French language without hesitation and acquired some knowledge in the rudiments
of the Latin tongue The usher did not fail to transmit an account of his
proficiency to the commodore who received it with transport and forthwith
communicated the happy tidings to the parents
Mr Gamaliel Pickle who was never subject to violent emotions heard them
with a sort of phlegmatic satisfaction that scarce manifested itself either in
his countenance or expressions nor did the childs mother break forth into that
rapture and admiration which might have been expected when she understood how
much the talents of her firstborn had exceeded the hope of her warmest
imagination Not but that she professed herself well pleased with Perrys
reputation though she observed that in these commendations the truth was always
exaggerated by schoolmasters for their own interest and pretended to wonder
that the usher had not mingled more probability with his praise Trunnion was
offended at her indifference and want of faith and believing that she refined
too much in her discernment swore that Jennings had declared the truth and
nothing but the truth for he himself had prophecied from the beginning that
the boy would turn out a credit to his family But by this time Mrs Pickle was
blessed with a daughter whom she had brought into the world about six months
before the intelligence arrived so that her care and affection being otherwise
engrossed the praise of Perry was the less greedily devoured The abatement of
her fondness was an advantage to his education which would have been retarded
and perhaps ruined by pernicious indulgence and preposterous interposition had
her love considered him as an only child whereas her concern being now diverted
to another object that shared at least one half of her affection he was left
to the management of his preceptor who tutored him according to his own plan
without any lett or interruption Indeed all his sagacity and circumspection
were but barely sufficient to keep the young gentleman in order for now that he
had won the palm of victory from his rivals in point of scholarship his
ambition dilated and he was seized with the desire of subjecting the whole
school by the valour of his arm Before he could bring this project to bear
innumerable battles were fought with various success every day a bloody nose
and complaint were presented against him and his own visage commonly bore some
livid marks of obstinate contention At length however he accomplished his
aim his adversaries were subdued his prowess acknowledged and he obtained the
laurel in war as well as wit Thus triumphant he was intoxicated with success
His pride rose in proportion to his power and in spite of all the endeavours of
Jennings who practised every method he could invent for curbing his licentious
conduct without depressing his spirit he contracted a large proportion of
insolence which a series of misfortunes that happened to him in the sequel
could scarce effectually tame Nevertheless there was a fund of good nature and
generosity in his composition and though he established a tyranny among his
comrades the tranquillity of his reign was maintained by the love rather than
by the fear of his subjects
In the midst of all this enjoyment of empire he never once violated that
respectful awe with which the usher had found means to inspire him but he by no
means preserved the same regard for the principal master an old illiterate
German quack who had formerly practised corncutting among the quality and
sold cosmetic washes to the ladies together with teethpowders hairdying
liquors prolifick elixirs and tinctures to sweeten the breath These nostrums
recommended by the art of cringing in which he was consummate ingratiated him
so much with people of fashion that he was enabled to set up school with five
and twenty boys of the best families whom he boarded on his own terms and
undertook to instruct in the French and Latin languages so as to qualify them
for the colleges of Westminster or Eaton While this plan was in its infancy he
was so fortunate as to meet with Jennings who for the paultry consideration of
thirty pounds a year which his necessities compelled him to accept took the
whole trouble of educating the children upon himself contrived an excellent
system for that purpose and by his assiduity and knowledge executed all the
particulars to the entire satisfaction of those concerned who by the bye never
inquired into his qualifications but suffered the other to enjoy the fruits of
his labour and ingenuity
Over and above a large stock of avarice ignorance and vanity this superior
had certain ridiculous peculiarities in his person such as a hunch upon his
back and distorted limbs that seemed to attract the satirical notice of
Peregrine who young as he was took offence at his want of reverence for his
usher over whom he sometimes chose opportunities of displaying his authority
that the boys might not misplace their veneration Mr Keypstick therefore
such as I have described him incurred the contempt and displeasure of this
enterprising pupil who now being in the tenth year of his age had capacity
enough to give him abundance of vexation
Chapter XIII
He exercises his Talents at the Expence of the SchoolMaster whose Character
and Business declining he desires to be recalled
As the German professed himself a man of learning and sometimes affected to
make a parade of it by examining the younger boys on the rudiments of grammar
which he made shift to comprehend Peregrine who was advanced as far as
Cornelius Nepos used to teize and perplex him by frequently begging his
explanation of certain sentences in that author while the usher was engaged in
some other employment
On these occasions he practised a thousand pitiful shifts to conceal his own
nakedness sometimes reprehending the boy for disturbing him in his meditations
sometimes pleading the weakness of his eyes that hindered him from considering
the passage and sometimes remitting him to the dictionary as a punishment for
his inattention when it was construed by Mr Jennings Notwithstanding these
evasions he was persecuted by his tormentor with such perseverance that he
could find no other resource than that of pretending to be in a violent hurry
in consequence of which he always quitted the place so that whenever Perry and
his companions were incommoded by his presence they had recourse to this
expedient which never failed to expel him in a trice
Not contented with having thus rendered him contemptible in the eyes of his
disciples this indefatigable wag exercised his invention in various
contrivances to plague disturb and expose him
Conscious of his own defect in point of stature and proportion the little
pedant used all the additions of art and address to improve his person and
raise himself as near as possible to the standard dimensions of nature with
this view he wore shoes with heels three inches high strutted like a peacock in
walking and erected his head with such muscular exertion as rendered it
impossible for him to extend his vision downwards below the preternatural
prominence of his breast Peregrine therefore taking advantage of this
foppery used to strew his way with beanshells on which whenever he chanced to
tread his heels slipped from under him his hunch pitched upon the ground and
the furniture of his head fell off in the shock so that he lay in a very
ludicrous attitude for the entertainment of the spectators He moreover seized
opportunities of studding his breeches with large pins which when he sat down
with a sudden jirk penetrated the skin of his posteriors and compelled him to
start up again with infinite expedition and roar hideously with the pain Nay
perceiving that he was extremely penurious in his housekeeping he spoilt many
a pot of excellent soup maigre by slily conveying into it handfuls of salt or
soot and even drove needles into the heads of sundry fowls that from the
suddenness of their death he might conclude some infection was communicated to
his poultry and dispose of them accordingly for the half of their value But no
instance of young Pickles mischievous talents affected him with such immediate
perplexity and confusion as this that I am going to recount
Being apprized by one of his friends that a lady of fashion intended to
visit his school on a certain day without giving any previous notice of her
coming that she might be an eyewitness of the accommodation in his house
before she would commit her son to his care he ordered his boarders and
apartments to be dished out for the occasion spared no pains in adorning his
own person and in particular employed a whole hour in adjusting a voluminous
tye in which he proposed to make his appearance Thus prepared he waited with
great confidence and tranquillity and no sooner saw the coach appear at a
distance than he went to his closet in order to put on the periwig which he
had deposited in a box that no accident might ruffle or discompose it before it
was presented to her ladyship but neither the box nor its contents were to be
found At first he thought it might be misplaced by some of the servants to
whom he called with great eagerness and vociferation while he himself ran from
room to room in quest of what he wanted the domesticks could give him no
intelligence of his tye he heard the gates opened to admit the equipage his
impatience increased he swore in high Dutch the noise of the wheels on his
pavement saluted his ears his vexation redoubled and tossing his nightcap on
the floor he waddled down stairs to the hall for his ordinary periwig which he
now found himself compelled to wear How shall I describe his distraction when
he understood that too was missing he became quite delirious foamed at the
mouth danced to and fro in the passage like one bereft of his senses
blasphemed alternately in English and French and must have been found by the
lady in that frantic condition had not his servants conveyed him to his own
chamber by force
The noble visitant was received by Jennings who told her that Mr Keypstick
was confined to his bed and explained the whole oeconomy of the school so much
to her satisfaction that she resolved to honour them with the charge of her own
offspring Keypstick fell sick in good earnest and his intellects seemed to
have received a rude shock from the violence of the passion into which he had
been precipitated by the roguery of Peregrine who had concealed both periwigs
in the cellar and now having enjoyed his trick carried them back unperceived
to the places from which they had been removed
A whole week elapsed before the master recovered so much temper as to appear
decently in public and even then his countenance was stormy and his resentment
against the authors of his disgrace so intense that he promised a reward of
five guineas to any boy that would discover the principal actor or any of the
accomplices concerned in this audacious intrigue declaring that no
consideration should screen the offenders from condign punishment could they
once be convicted of the trick
Pickle had not conducted this Jeu desprit without participation and some
there were privy to the affair whose fidelity was not incorruptible but their
secrecy was secured by the terror of Peregrine whose authority and influence
was such as to baffle the master in all his endeavours to unravel the
conspiracy
This extraordinary reserve and the recollection of several other mortifying
jokes he had undergone inspired him with ungenerous suspicions of Mr Jennings
who he could not help thinking had been at the bottom of them all and spirited
up principles of rebellion in the school with a view of making himself
independent Possessed with this chimera which was void of all foundation the
German descended so low as to tamper in private with the boys from whom he
hoped to draw some very important discovery but he was disappointed in his
expectation and this mean practice reaching the ears of his usher he
voluntarily resigned his employment and finding interest to obtain holy orders
in a little time after left the kingdom hoping to find a settlement in some of
our American plantations
The departure of Mr Jennings produced a great revolution in the affairs of
Keypstick which declined from that moment because he had neither authority to
enforce obedience nor prudence to maintain order among his scholars so that
the school degenerated into anarchy and confusion and he himself dwindled in
the opinion of his imployers who looked upon him as superannuated and withdrew
their children from his tuition
Peregrine seeing this dissolution of their society and finding himself
every day deprived of some companion began to repine at his situation and
resolved if possible to procure his release from the jurisdiction of a person
whom he both detested and despised With this view he went to work and composed
the following billet addressed to the commodore which was the first specimen
of his composition in the epistolary way
Honoured and loving uncle
Hoping you are in good health this serves to inform you that Mr
Jennings is gone and Mr Keypstick will never meet with his fellow The
school is already almost broke up and the rest daily going away and I
beg of you of all love to have me fetched away also for I cannot bear
to be any longer under one who is a perfect ignoramus who scarce knows
the declination of musa and is more fit to be a scarecrow than a
schoolmaster hoping you will send for me soon with my love to my aunt
and my duty to my honoured parents craving their blessing and yours
And this is all at present from honoured uncle your wellbeloved and
dutiful nephew and godson and humble servant to command till death
PEREGRINE PICKLE
Trunnion was overjoyed at the receit of this letter which he looked upon as one
of the greatest efforts of human genius and as such communicated the contents
to his lady whom he had disturbed for the purpose in the middle of her
devotion by sending a message to her closet whither it was her custom very
frequently to retire She was out of humour at being interrupted and therefore
did not peruse this specimen of her nephews understanding with all the relish
that the commodore himself had enjoyed on the contrary after sundry
paralytical endeavours to speak for her tongue sometimes refused its office
she observed that the boy was a pert jackanapes and deserved to be severely
chastised for treating his betters with such disrespect Her husband undertook
his godsons defence representing with great warmth that he knew Keypstick to
be a good for nothing pimping old rascal and that Perry shewed a great deal of
spirit and good sense in desiring to be taken from under his command he
therefore declared that the boy should not live a week longer with such a
shambling son of a bitch and sanctioned his declaration with abundance of
oaths
Mrs Trunnion composing her countenance into a look of religious demureness
rebuked him for his profane way of talking and asked in a magisterial tone if
he intended never to lay aside that brutal behaviour Irritated at this
reproach he answered in terms of indignation that he knew how to behave
himself as well as eer a woman that wore a head bad her mind her own affairs
and with another repetition of oaths gave her to understand that he would be
master in his own house
This insinuation operated upon her spirits like friction upon a glass globe
her face gleamed with resentment and every pore seemed to emit particles of
flame She replied with incredible fluency of the bitterest expressions He
retorted equal rage in broken hints and incoherent imprecations She rejoined
with redoubled fury and in conclusion he was fain to betake himself to flight
ejaculating curses against her and muttering something concerning the
brandybottle which however he took care should never reach her ears
From his own house he went directly to visit Mrs Pickle to whom he
imparted Peregrines epistle with many encomiums upon the boys promising parts
and finding his commendations but coldly received desired she would permit him
to take his godson under his own care
This lady whose family was now increased by another son that seemed to
engross her care for the present had not seen Perry during a course of four
years and with regard to him was perfectly weaned of that infirmity known by
the name of maternal fondness she therefore consented to the commodores
request with great condescension and a polite compliment to him on the concern
he had all along manifested for the welfare of the child
Chapter XIV
The Commodore takes Peregrine under his own Care The Boy arrives at the
Garrison is strangely received by his own Mother enters into a Confederacy
with Hatchway and Pipes and executes a Couple of waggish Enterprizes upon his
Aunt
Trunnion having obtained this permission that very afternoon dispatched the
lieutenant in a post chaise to Keypsticks house from whence in two days he
returned with our young hero who being now in the eleventh year of his age had
outgrown the expectation of all his family and was remarkable for the beauty
and elegance of his person His godfather was transported at his arrival as if
he had been actually the issue of his own loins He shook him heartily by the
hand turned him round and round surveyed him from top to bottom bad Hatchway
take notice how handsomely he was built squeezed his hand again saying »Damn
ye you dog I suppose you dont value such an old crazy son of a bitch as me a
ropes end You have forgot how I wont to dandle you on my knee when you was a
little urchin no higher than the David and played a thousand tricks upon me
burning my baccopouches and poisoning my rumbo O damn ye you can grin fast
enough I see I warrant you have learnt more things than writing and the Latin
lingo« Even Tom Pipes expressed uncommon satisfaction on this joyful occasion
and coming up to Perry thrust forth his forepaw and accosted him with the
salutation of »What chear my young master I am glad to see thee with all my
heart« These compliments being passed his uncle halted to the door of his
wifes chamber at which he stood hollowing »Heres your kinsman Perry belike
you wont come and bid him welcome« »Lord Mr Trunnion said she why will
you continually harrass me in this manner with your impertinent intrusion« »I
harrow you replied the commodore sblood I believe your upper works are
damaged I only came to inform you that here was your cousin whom you have not
seen these four long years and Ill be damned if there is such another of his
age within the kings dominions dye see either for make or mettle hes a
credit to the name dye see but damn my eyes Ill say no more of the matter
if you come you may if you wont you may let it alone« »Well I wont come
then answered his yokefellow for I am at present more agreeably employed«
»Oho you are I believe so too« cried the commodore making wry faces and
mimicking the action of dramdrinking Then addressing himself to Hatchway
»Prithee Jack said he go and try thy skill on that stubborn hulk if any body
can bring her about I know you wool« The lieutenant accordingly taking his
station at the door conveyed his perswasion in these words »What wont you
turn out and hail little Perry It will do your heart good to see such a
handsome young dog Im sure he is the very moral of you and as like as if he
had been spit out of your own mouth as the saying is do shew a little respect
for your kinsman cant you« To this remonstrance she replied in a mild tone of
voice »Dear Mr Hatchway you are always teazing one in such a manner sure I
am no body can tax me with unkindness or want of natural affection« so
saying she opened the door and advancing to the hall where her nephew stood
received him very graciously and observed that he was the very image of her
papa
In the afternoon he was conducted by the commodore to the house of his
parents and strange to tell no sooner was he presented to his mother than her
countenance changed she eyed him with tokens of affliction and surprize and
bursting into tears exclaimed her child was dead and this was no other than an
impostor whom they had brought to defraud her sorrow Trunnion was confounded at
this unaccountable passion which had no other foundation than caprice and whim
and Gamaliel himself so disconcerted and unsettled in his own belief which
began to waver that he knew not how to behave towards the boy whom his
godfather immediately carried back to the garrison swearing all the way that
Perry should never cross their threshold again with his goodwill Nay so much
was he incensed at this unnatural and absurd renunciation that he refused to
carry on any further correspondence with Pickle until he was appeased by his
sollicitations and submission and Peregrine owned as his son and heir But this
acknowledgment was made without the privity of his wife whose vicious aversion
he was obliged in appearance to adopt Thus exiled from his fathers house
the young gentleman was left entirely to the disposal of the commodore whose
affection for him daily increased insomuch that he could scarce prevail upon
himself to part with him when his education absolutely required that he should
be otherwise disposed of
In all probability this extraordinary attachment was if not produced at
least rivetted by that peculiar turn in Peregrines imagination which we have
already observed and which during his residence in the castle appeared in
sundry stratagems he practised upon his uncle and aunt under the auspices of
Mr Hatchway who assisted him in the contrivance and execution of all his
schemes Nor was Pipes exempted from a share in their undertakings for being a
trusty fellow not without dexterity in some cases and altogether resigned to
their will they found him a serviceable instrument for their purpose and used
him accordingly
The first sample of their art was exhibited upon Mrs Trunnion from whose
chamber Peregrine having secreted a certain utensil divers holes were drilled
through the bottom of it by their operator and then it was replaced in a
curious case that stood by the bedside in which it was reserved for
midnightoccasions The good lady had that evening made several extraordinary
visits to her closet and that sort of exercise never failed of having a
diuretic effect upon her constitution so that she and her husband were scarce
warm in bed when she found it convenient to reach out her hand and introduce
this receptacle under the cloaths It was then that Peregrines roguery took
effect The commodore who had just composed himself to rest was instantly
alarmed with a strange sensation in his right shoulder on which something warm
seemed to descend in various streams he no sooner comprehended the nature of
this shower which in a twinkling bedewed him from head to foot than he
exclaimed »Blood and oons Im afloat« and starting up asked with great
bitterness if she had pissed through a watering can Equally surprized and
offended at the indecent question she began to regale him with a lecture on the
subject of that respect in which she thought him so deficient but perceiving
the source of his displeasure was silenced in the middle of the first sentence
and after a short pause of astonishment screamed with vexation
As there was a necessity for shifting the bedlinnen she got up with great
reluctance rung her bell and when her maid entered presented this new
fashioned cullender and threatened with many choleric expressions to split it
into a thousand pieces on her skull Thunderstruck at the phænomenon it was
some time before the attendant could open her lips in her own vindication at
length however she protested she was innocent as the babe unborn and that the
pot was sound and intire when she rinsed it in the afternoon
Her suspicion was of consequence transferred upon Perry against whom she
uttered many menacing invectives though she was afterwards ashamed of
disclosing her resentment and in the mean time was fain to take up her nights
lodging in another apartment while Trunnion after a string of unmeaning oaths
which were extorted from him by his present uncomfortable situation could not
help laughing at the adventure and Peregrine with his confederates applauded
themselves in secret for having reduced them to such ridiculous distress
Encouraged by the impunity with which they performed this feat our
associates atchieved another that had like to have been attended with very
serious consequences Mrs Trunnion having one day received a sudden call which
she could not help obeying her nephew who was always on the scout took that
opportunity of gliding unseen into her closet and finding her case open
infused into one of the bottles a good quantity of powdered jallap which had
been purchased by the lieutenant for that purpose He had desired the
apothecary from whom he bought it to give him as much as would impregnate two
quarts of brandy which he guessed each bottle might contain and never
dreamed that the patient though left to her own discretion was in any danger
of taking an overdose he therefore directed Perry to convey the whole
proportion into one of the full bottles that stood at some distance from that
which he would perceive was in present use that the spirits might have time to
extract the virtues of the root before it should come to their turn Every thing
was done according to his prescription and a very small hole being bored in the
wainscot through which they could reconnoitre her from another room they
observed her motions by turns with a view of seeing whether or not she would be
alarmed by the extraordinary taste of the tincture they had made
When they had watched in this manner for three or four days Pipes being
upon duty perceived her take the first cup of the composition which she had no
sooner swallowed than she began to shut her eyes smack her lips spit and
express all the marks of loathing and disgust nevertheless she seemed to doubt
her own sense rather than the flavour of the Coniac the neatness of which she
had already experienced and therefore repeated the cordial as if in defiance
to her own distaste taking care however to arm her palate with a large lump
of sugar through which it was strained in its passage
Hatchway was startled when he understood she had taken such a dangerous
draught of the medicine especially as she had immediately after stepped into
the coach to go to church where he feared she might catch cold or be otherwise
affected to the jeopardy of her person and the prejudice of her reputation Nor
was his fear altogether disappointed The service was not half performed when
Mrs Trunnion was suddenly taken ill her face underwent violent flushings and
vicissitudes of complexion a cold clammy sweat bedewed her forehead and her
bowels were afflicted with such agonies as compelled her to retire in the face
of the congregation She was brought home in torture which was a little
assuaged when the dose began to operate but such was the excess of evacuation
she sustained that her spirits were quite exhausted and she suffered a
succession of fainting fits that reduced her to the brink of the grave in spite
of all the remedies that were administered by a physician who was called in the
beginning of her disorder and who after having examined the symptoms declared
that the patient had been poisoned with arsenic and prescribed oily draughts
and lubricating injections to defend the coats of the stomach and intestines
from the vellicating particles of that pernicious mineral at the same time
hinting with a look of infinite sagacity that it was not difficult to divine
the whole mystery and affecting to deplore the poor lady as if she was exposed
to more attempts of the same nature thereby glancing obliquely at the innocent
commodore whom the officious son of Æsculapius suspected as the author of this
expedient to rid his hands of a yokefellow for whom he was well known to have
no great devotion This impertinent and malicious insinuation made some
impression upon the bystanders and furnished ample field for slander to
asperse the morals of Trunnion who was represented through the whole district
as a monster of barbarity Nay the sufferer herself though she behaved with
great decency and prudence could not help entertaining some small diffidence of
her husband not that she imagined he had any design upon her life but that he
had been at pains to adulterate the brandy with the view of detaching her from
that favourite liquor
On this supposition she resolved to act with more caution for the future
without setting on foot any inquiry about the affair while the commodore
imputing her indisposition to some natural cause after the danger was past
never bestowed a thought upon the subject so that the perpetrators were quit
for their fear which however had punished them so effectually that they
never would hazard any more jokes of the same nature
Chapter XV
The Triumvirate turn the Stream of their Wit upon the Commodore who by their
Means is embroiled with an Attorney and terrified with an Apparition
The shafts of their wit were now directed against the commander himself whom
they teized and terrified almost out of his senses One day while he was at
dinner Pipes came and told him that there was a person below that wanted to
speak with him immediately about an affair of the greatest importance that
would admit of no delay upon which he ordered the stranger to be told that he
was engaged and that he must send up his name and business To this demand he
received for answer a message importing that the persons name was unknown to
him and his business of such a nature that it could not be disclosed to any
one but the commodore himself whom he earnestly desired to see without loss of
time
Trunnion surprised at this importunity got up with great reluctance in the
middle of his meal and descending to a parlour where the stranger was asked in
a surly tone what he wanted with him in such a damned hurry that he could not
wait till he had made an end of his mess The other not at all disconcerted at
this rough address advanced close up to him on his tiptoes and with a look of
confidence and conceit laying his mouth to one side of the commodores head
whispered softly in his ear »Sir I am the attorney whom you wanted to converse
with in private« »The attorney« cried Trunnion stareing and half choaked with
choler »Yes Sir at your service replied this retainer to the law and if
you please the sooner we dispatch the affair the better for tis an old
observation that delay breeds danger« »Truly brother said the commodore
who could no longer contain himself I do confess that I am very much of your
way of thinking dye see and therefore you shall be dispatched in a trice« so
saying he lifted up his walking staff which was something between a crutch and
a cudgel and discharged it with such energy on the seat of the attorneys
understanding that if there had been any thing but solid bone the contents of
his skull must have been evacuated
Fortified as he was by nature against all such assaults he could not
withstand the momentum of the blow which in an instant laid him flat on the
floor deprived of all sense and motion and Trunnion hopped up stairs to
dinner applauding himself in ejaculations all the way for the vengeance he had
taken on such an impudent pettifogging miscreant
The attorney no sooner awaked from this trance into which he had been so
unexpectedly lulled than he cast his eyes around in quest of evidence by which
he might be enabled the more easily to prove the injury he had sustained but
not a soul appearing he made shift to get upon his legs again and with the
blood trickling over his nose followed one of the servants into the
diningroom resolved to come to an explanation with the assailant and either
extort money from him by way of satisfaction or provoke him to a second
application before witnesses With this view he entered the room in a peal of
clamour to the amazement of all present and the terror of Mrs Trunnion who
shrieked at the appearance of such a spectacle and addressing himself to the
commodore »Ill tell you what Sir said he if there be law in England Ill
make you smart for this here assault you think you have screened yourself from
a prosecution by sending all your servants out of the way but that
circumstance will appear upon trial to be a plain proof of the malice propense
with which the fact was committed especially when corroborated by the evidence
of this here letter under your own hand whereby I am desired to come to your
own house to transact an affair of consequence« so saying he produced the
writing and read the contents in these words
Mr Roger Ravine
Sir
Being in a manner prisoner in my own house I desire you will give
me a call precisely at three oclock in the afternoon and insist upon
seeing myself as I have an affair of great consequence in which your
particular advice is wanted by your humble servant
HAWSER TRUNNION
The oneeyed commander who had been satisfied with the chastisement he had
already bestowed upon the plaintiff hearing him read this audacious piece of
forgery which he considered as the effect of his own villany started up from
table and seizing a huge turkey that lay in a dish before him would have
applied it sauce and all by way of poultice to his wound had he not been
restrained by Hatchway who laid fast hold on both his arms and fixed him to
his chair again advising the attorney to sheer off with what he had got Far
from following this salutary counsel he redoubled his threats and set Trunnion
at defiance telling him he was not a man of true courage although he had
commanded a ship of war or else he would not have attacked any person in such a
cowardly and clandestine manner This provocation would have answered his
purpose effectually had not his adversarys indignation been repressed by the
suggestions of the lieutenant who desired his friend in a whisper to be easy
for he would take care to have the attorney tossed in a blanket for his
presumption This proposal which he received with great approbation pacified
him in a moment he wiped the sweat from his forehead and his features relaxed
into a grim smile
Hatchway disappeared and Ravine proceeded with great fluency of abuse
until he was interrupted by the arrival of Pipes who without any
expostulation led him out by the hand and conducted him to the yard where he
was put into a carpet and in a twinkling sent into the air by the strength and
dexterity of five stout operators whom the lieutenant had selected from the
number of domesticks for that singular spell of duty
In vain did the astonished vaulter beg for the love of God and passion of
Christ that they would take pity upon him and put an end to his involuntary
gambols they were deaf to his prayers and protestations even when he swore in
the most solemn manner that if they would cease tormenting him he would forget
and forgive what was passed and depart in peace to his own habitation and
continued the game till they were fatigued with the exercise
Ravine being dismissed in a most melancholy plight brought an action of
assault and battery against the commodore and subpoenad all the servants as
evidences in the cause but as none of them had seen what happened he did not
find his account in the prosecution though he himself examined all the
witnesses and among other questions asked whether they had not seen him come
in like another man and whether they had ever seen any other man in such a
condition as that in which he had crawled off But this last interrogation they
were not obliged to answer because it had reference to the second discipline he
had undergone in which they and they only were concerned and no person is
bound to give testimony against himself
In short the attorney was nonsuited to the satisfaction of all who knew
him and found himself under the necessity of proving that he had received in
course of post the letter which was declared in court a scandalous forgery in
order to prevent an indictment with which he was threatened by the commodore
who little dreamt that the whole affair had been planned and executed by
Peregrine and his associates
The next enterprize in which this triumvirate engaged was a scheme to
frighten Trunnion with an apparition which they prepared and exhibited in this
manner To the hide of a large ox Pipes fitted a leathern vizor of a most
terrible appearance stretched on the jaws of a shark which he had brought from
sea and accommodated with a couple of broad glasses instead of eyes On the
inside of these he placed two rush lights and with a composition of sulphur and
saltpetre made a pretty large fuse which he fixed between two rows of the
teeth This equipage being finished he one dark night chosen for the purpose
put it on and following the commodore into a long passage in which he was
preceded by Perry with a light in his hand kindled his firework with a match
and began to bellow like a bull The boy as it was concerted looking behind
him screamed aloud and dropped the light which was extinguished in the fall
when Trunnion alarmed at his nephews consternation exclaimed »Zounds whats
the matter« And turning about to see the cause of his dismay beheld a hideous
phantom vomiting blue flame which aggravated the horrors of its aspect He was
instantly seized with an agony of fear which divested him of his reason
nevertheless he as it were mechanically raised his trusty supporter in his
own defence and the apparition advancing towards him aimed it at this dreadful
annoyance with such a convulsive exertion of strength that had not the blow
chanced to light upon one of the horns Mr Pipes would have had no cause to
value himself upon his invention Misapplied as it was he did not fail to
stagger at the shock and dreading another such salutation closed with the
commodore and having tripped up his heels retreated with great expedition
It was then that Peregrine pretending to recollect himself a little ran
with all the marks of disturbance and affright and called up the servants to
the assistance of their master whom they found in a cold sweat upon the floor
his features betokening horror and confusion Hatchway raised him up and having
comforted him with a cup of Nantz began to inquire into the cause of his
disorder but he could not extract one word of answer from his friend who
after a considerable pause during which he seemed to be wrapped up in profound
contemplation pronounced aloud »By the Lord Jack you may say what you wool
but Ill be damned if it was not Davy Jones himself I know him by his
saucereyes his three rows of teeth his horns and tail and the blue smoak
that came out of his nostrils What does the blackguard hells baby want with
me Im sure I never committed murder nor wronged any man whatsomever since I
first went to sea« This same Davy Jones according to the mythology of sailors
is the fiend that presides over all the evil spirits of the deep and is often
seen in various shapes perching among the rigging on the eve of hurricanes
shipwrecks and other disasters to which a seafaring life is exposed warning
the devoted wretch of death and woe No wonder then that Trunnion was disturbed
by a supposed visit of this dæmon which in his opinion foreboded some
dreadful calamity
Chapter XVI
He is also by their Device engaged in an Adventure with the Exciseman who does
not find his Account in his own Drollery
Howsoever preposterous and unaccountable that passion may be which prompts
persons otherwise generous and sympathising to afflict and perplex their
fellowcreatures certain it is our confederates entertained such a large
proportion of it that not satisfied with the pranks they had already played
they still persecuted the commodore without ceasing In the course of his own
history the particulars of which he delighted to recount he had often
rehearsed an adventure of deerstealing in which during the unthinking
impetuosity of his youth he had been unfortunately concerned Far from
succeeding in that achievement he and his associates had it seems been made
prisoners after an obstinate engagement with the keepers and carried before a
neighbouring justice of the peace who used Trunnion with great indignity and
with his companions committed him to jail
His own relations and in particular an uncle on whom he chiefly depended
treated him during his confinement with great rigour and inhumanity and
absolutely refused to interpose his influence in his behalf unless he would
sign a writing obliging himself to go to sea within thirty days after his
release under the penalty of being proceeded against as a felon The
alternative was either to undergo this voluntary exile or remain in prison
disowned and deserted by every body and after all suffer an ignominious trial
that might end in a sentence of transportation for life He therefore without
much hesitation embraced the proposal of his kinsman and as he observed was
in less than a month after his discharge turned adrift to the mercy of the wind
and waves
Since that period he had never maintained any correspondence with his
relations all of whom had concurred in sending him off nor would he ever pay
the least regard to the humiliations and supplications of some among them who
had prostrated themselves before him on the advancement of his fortune but he
retained a most inveterate resentment for his uncle who was still in being
tho extremely old and infirm and frequently mentioned his name with all the
bitterness of revenge
Perry being perfectly well acquainted with the particulars of this story
which he had heard so often repeated proposed to Hatchway that a person should
be hired to introduce himself to the commodore with a supposititious letter of
recommendation from this detested kinsman an imposition that in all
likelihood would afford abundance of diversion
The lieutenant relished the scheme and young Pickle having composed an
epistle for the occasion the exciseman of the parish a fellow of great
impudence and some humour in whom Hatchway could confide undertook to
transcribe and deliver it with his own hand and also personate the man in whose
favour it was feigned to be writ He accordingly one morning arrived on
horseback at the garrison two hours at least before Trunnion used to get up
and gave Pipes who admitted him to understand that he had a letter for his
master which he was ordered to deliver to none but the commodore himself This
message was no sooner communicated than the indignant chief who had been waked
for the purpose began to curse the messenger for breaking his rest and swore
he would not budge till his usual time of turning out This resolution being
conveyed to the stranger he desired the carrier to go back and tell him he had
such joyful tidings to impart that he was sure the commodore would think
himself amply rewarded for his trouble even if he had been raised from the
grave to receive them
This assurance flattering as it was would not have been powerful enough to
persuade him had it not been assisted with the exhortations of his spouse
which never failed to influence his conduct He therefore crept out of bed tho
not without great repugnance and wrapping himself in his morninggown was
supported down stairs rubbing his eye yawning fearfully and grumbling all the
way As soon as he popt his head into the parlour the supposed stranger made
divers awkward bows and with a grinning aspect accosted him in these words
»Your most humble servant most noble commodore I hope you are in good health
you look pure and hearty and if it was not for that misfortune of your eye one
would not desire to see a more pleasant countenance in a summers day Sure as I
am a living soul one would take you to be on this side of threescore Laud help
us I should have known you to be a Trunnion if I had met with you in the midst
of Salisburyplain as the saying is« The commodore who was not at all in the
humour of relishing such an impertinent preamble interrupted him in this place
saying with a peevish accent »Pshaw pshaw brother theres no occasion to
bowss out so much unnecessary gum if you cant bring your discourse to bear on
the right subject you had much better clap a stopper on your tongue and bring
yourself up dye see I was told you had something to deliver« »Deliver
cried the waggish impostor odds heart I have got something for you that will
make your very intrails rejoice within your body Heres a letter from a dear
and worthy friend of yours Take read it and be happy Blessings on his old
heart one would think he had renewed his age like the eagles« Trunnions
expectation being thus raised he called for his spectacles adjusted them to
his eye took the letter and being curious to know the subscription no sooner
perceived his uncles name than he started back his lip quivered and he began
to shake in every limb with resentment and surprize nevertheless eager to know
the subject of an epistle from a person who had never before troubled him with
any sort of address he endeavoured to recollect himself and perused the
contents which were these
Loving Nephew
I doubt not but you will be rejoiced to hear of my welfare and well
you may considering what a kind uncle I have been to you in the days of
your youth and how little you deserved any such thing for you was
always a graceless young man given to wicked courses and bad company
whereby you would have come to a shameful end had it not been for my
care in sending you out of mischiefs way But this is not the cause of
my present writing The bearer Mr Timothy Trickle is a distant
relation of yours being the son of the cousin of your aunt Margery and
is not over and above well as to worldly matters He thinks of going to
London to see for some post in the excise or customs if so be that you
will recommend him to some great man of your acquaintance and give him
a small matter to keep him till he is provided I doubt not nephew but
you will be glad to serve him if it was no more but for the respect you
bear to me who am
Loving Nephew
Your affectionate Uncle
and Servant to command
TOBIAH TRUNNION
It would be a difficult task for the inimitable Hogarth himself to exhibit the
ludicrous expression of the commodores countenance while he read this letter
It was not a stare of astonishment a convulsion of rage or a ghastly grin of
revenge but an association of all three that took possession of his features
At length he hawked up with incredible straining the interjection ah that
seemed to have stuck some time in his windpipe and thus gave vent to his
indignation »Have I come along side of you at last you old stinking
curmudgeon you lie you lousy hulk ye lie you did all in your power to
founder me when I was a stripling and as for being graceless and wicked and
keeping bad company you tell a damned lie again you thief there was not a
more peaceable lad in the county and I kept no bad company but your own dye
see Therefore you Trickle or whats your name tell the old rascal that sent
you hither that I spit in his face and call him Horse that I tear his letter
into rags so and that I trample upon it as I would upon his own villainous
carcase dye see« So saying he danced in a sort of frenzy upon the fragments
of the paper which he had scattered about the room to the inexpressible
satisfaction of the triumvirate who beheld the scene
The exciseman having got between him and the door which was left open for
his escape in case of necessity affected great confusion and surprize at this
behaviour saying with an air of mortification »Lord be merciful unto me is
this the way you treat your own relations and the recommendation of your best
friend Surely all gratitude and virtue has left this sinful world What will
cousin Tim and Dick and Tom and good mother Pipkin and her daughters cousin
Sue and Prue and Peg with all the rest of our kinsfolks say when they hear
of this unconscionable reception that I have met with Consider Sir that
ingratitude is worse than the sin of witchcraft as the apostle wisely observes
and do not send me away with such unchristian usage which will lay a heavy load
of guilt upon your poor miserable soul« »What you are on the cruize for a post
brother Trickle ant ye said Trunnion interrupting him we shall find a post
for you in a trice my boy Here Pipes take this saucy son of a bitch belay
him to the whipping post in the yard Ill teach you to rowce me in a morning
with such impertinent messages« Pipes who wanted to carry the joke farther
than the exciseman dreamt of laid hold on him in a twinkling and executed the
orders of his commander notwithstanding all his nods winking and significant
gestures which the boatswains mate would by no means understand so that he
began to repent of the part he acted in this performance which was like to end
so tragically and stood fastened to the stake in a very disagreeable state of
suspence casting many a rueful look over his left shoulder while Pipes was
absent in quest of a cat and nine tails in expectation of being relieved by the
interposition of the lieutenant who did not however appear and Tom returning
with the instrument of correction undressed the delinquent in a trice and
whispering in his ear that he was very sorry for being employed in such an
office but durst not for his soul disobey the orders of his commander
flourished the scourge about his head and with admirable dexterity made such a
smarting application to the offenders back and shoulders that the distracted
gauger performed sundry new cuts with his feet and bellowed hideously with
pain to the infinite satisfaction of the spectators At length when he was
almost flead from his rump to the nape of his neck Hatchway who had purposely
absented himself hitherto appeared in the yard and interposing in his behalf
prevailed upon Trunnion to call off the executioner and order the malefactor to
be released
The exciseman mad with the catastrophe he had undergone threatened to be
revenged upon his employers by making a candid confession of the whole plot
but the lieutenant giving him to understand that in so doing he would bring
upon himself a prosecution for fraud forgery and imposture he was fain to put
up with his loss and sneaked out of the garrison attended with a volley of
curses discharged upon him by the commodore who was exceedingly irritated by
the disturbance and disappointment he had undergone
Chapter XVII
The Commodore detects the Machinations of the Conspirators and hires a Tutor
for Peregrine whom he settles at Winchester School
This was not the last affliction he suffered from the unwearied endeavours and
inexhausted invention of his tormentors who harrassed him with such a variety
of mischievous pranks that he began to think all the devils in hell had
conspired against his peace and accordingly became very serious and
contemplative on the subject
In the course of his meditations when he recollected and compared the
circumstances of every mortification to which he had been lately exposed he
could not help suspecting that some of them must have been contrived to vex him
and as he was not ignorant of his lieutenants disposition nor unacquainted
with the talents of Peregrine he resolved to observe them both for the future
with the utmost care and circumspection This resolution aided by the
incautious conduct of the conspirators whom by this time success had rendered
heedless and indiscreet was attended with the desired effect He in a little
time detected Perry in a new plot and by dint of a little chastisement and a
great many threats extorted from him a confession of all the contrivances in
which he had been concerned The commodore was thunderstruck at the discovery
and so much incensed against Hatchway for the part he had acted in the whole
that he deliberated with himself whether he should demand satisfaction with
sword and pistol or dismiss him from the garison and renounce all friendship
with him at once But he had been so long accustomed to Jacks company that he
could not live without him and upon more cool reflection perceiving that what
he had done was rather the effect of wantonness than malice which he himself
would have laughed to see take place upon any other person he determined to
devour his chagrin and extend his forgiveness even to Pipes whom in the first
sally of his passion he had looked upon in a more criminal light than that of a
simple mutineer This determination was seconded by another which he thought
absolutely necessary for his own repose and in which his own interest and that
of his nephew concurred
Peregrine who was now turned of twelve had made such advances under the
instruction of Jennings that he often disputed upon grammar and was sometimes
thought to have the better in his contests with the parishpriest who
notwithstanding this acknowledged superiority of his antagonist did great
justice to his genius which he assured Mr Trunnion would be lost for want of
cultivation if the boy was not immediately sent to prosecute his studies at
some proper seminary of learning
This maxim had more than once been inculcated upon the commodore by Mrs
Trunnion who over and above the deference she paid to the parsons opinion
had a reason of her own for wishing to see the house clear of Peregrine at
whose prying disposition she began to be very uneasy Induced by these motives
which were joined by the sollicitation of the youth himself who ardently longed
to see a little more of the world his uncle determined to send him forthwith to
Winchester under the immediate care and inspection of a governor to whom he
allowed a very handsome appointment for that purpose This gentleman whose name
was Mr Jacob Jolter had been schoolfellow with the parson of the parish who
recommended him to Mrs Trunnion as a person of great worth and learning in
every respect qualified for the office of a tutor He likewise added by way of
eulogium that he was a man of exemplary piety and particularly zealous for the
honour of the church of which he was a member having been many years in holy
orders tho he did not then exercise any function of the priesthood Indeed
Mr Jolters zeal was so exceedingly fervent as on some occasions to get the
better of his discretion for being an highchurchman and of consequence a
malecontent his resentment was habituated into an insurmountable prejudice
against the present disposition of affairs which by confounding the nation
with the ministry sometimes led him into erroneous not to say absurd
calculations otherwise a man of good morals well versed in mathematicks and
schooldivinity studies which had not at all contributed to sweeten and unbend
the natural sourness and severity of his complexion
This gentleman being destined to the charge of superintending Perrys
education every thing was prepared for their departure and Tom Pipes in
consequence of his own petition put into livery and appointented footman to
the young squire But before they set out the commodore paid the compliment of
communicating his design to Mr Pickle who approved of the plan tho he durst
not venture to see the boy so much was he intimidated by the remonstrances of
his wife whose aversion to her firstborn became every day more inveterate and
unaccountable This unnatural caprice seemed to be supported by a consideration
which one would imagine might have rather vanquished her disgust Her second
son Gam who was now in the fourth year of his age had been ricketty from the
cradle and as remarkably unpromising in appearance as Perry was agreeable in
his person As the deformity increased the mothers fondness was augmented and
the virulence of her hate against the other son seemed to prevail in the same
proportion
Far from allowing Perry to enjoy the common privileges of a child she would
not suffer him to approach his fathers house expressed uneasiness whenever his
name happened to be mentioned sickened at his praise and in all respects
behaved like a most rancorous stepmother Tho she no longer retained that
ridiculous notion of his being an impostor she still continued to abhor him as
if she really believed him to be such and when any person desired to know the
cause of her surprising dislike she always lost her temper and peevishly
replied that she had reasons of her own which she was not obliged to declare
nay so much was she infected by this vicious partiality that she broke off all
commerce with her sisterinlaw and the commodore because they favoured the
poor child with their countenance and protection
Her malice however was frustrated by the love and generosity of Trunnion
who having adopted him as his own son equipped him accordingly and carried him
and his governor in his own coach to the place of destination where they were
settled on a very genteel footing and every thing regulated according to their
desires
Mrs Trunnion behaved with great decency at the departure of her nephew to
whom with a great many pious advices and injunctions to behave with submission
and reverence towards his tutor she presented a diamond ring of small value
and a gold medal as tokens of her affection and esteem As for the lieutenant
he accompanied them in the coach and such was the friendship he had contracted
for Perry that when the commodore proposed to return after having accomplished
the intent of his journey Jack absolutely refused to attend him and signified
his resolution to stay where he was
Trunnion was the more startled at this declaration as Hatchway was become
so necessary to him in almost all the purposes of his life that he foresaw he
should not be able to exist without his company Not a little affected with this
consideration he turned his eye ruefully upon the lieutenant saying in a
piteous tone »What leave me at last Jack after we have weathered so many
hard gales together Dn my limbs I thought you had been more of an honest
heart I looked upon you as my foremast and Tom Pipes as my mizzen now he is
carried away if so be as you go too my standing rigging being decayed dye
see the first squall will bring me by the board Dn ye if in case I have
given offence cant ye speak aboveboard and I shall make you amends«
Jack being ashamed to own the true situation of his thoughts after some
hesitation answered with perplexity and incoherence »No damme that ant the
case neither to be sure you always used me in an officerlike manner that I
must own to give the devil his due as the saying is but for all that this
here is the case I have some thoughts of going to school myself to learn your
Latin lingo for as the saying is Better late mend than never will do well
and I am informed as how one can get more for the money here than any where
else«
In vain did Trunnion endeavour to convince him of the folly of going to
school at his years by representing that the boys would make game of him and
that he would become a laughingstock to all the world he persisted in his
resolution to stay and the commodore was fain to have recourse to the mediation
of Pipes and Perry who employed their influence with Jack and at last
prevailed upon him to return to the garison after Trunnion had promised he
should be at liberty to visit them once a month This stipulation being settled
he and his friend took leave of the pupil governor and attendant and next
morning set out for their habitation which they reached in safety that same
night
Such was Hatchways reluctance to leave Peregrine that he is said for the
first time in his life to have looked misty at parting certain I am that on
the road homewards after a long pause of silence which the commodore never
dreamt of interrupting he exclaimed all of a sudden »Ill be damned if the dog
hant given me some stuff to make me love him« Indeed there was something
congenial in the disposition of these two friends which never failed to
manifest itself in the sequel howsoever different their education
circumstances and connexions happened to be
Chapter XVIII
Peregrine distinguishes himself among his Schoolfellows exposes his Tutor and
attracts the particular Notice of the Master
Thus left to the prosecution of his studies Peregrine was in a little time a
distinguished character not only for his acuteness of apprehension but also
for that mischievous fertility of fancy of which we have already given such
pregnant examples But as there was a great number of such luminaries in this
new sphere to which he belonged his talents were not so conspicuous while they
shone in his single capacity as they afterwards appeared when they
concentrated and reflected the rays of the whole constellation
At first he confined himself to piddling game exercising his genius upon
his own tutor who attracted this attention by endeavouring to season his mind
with certain political maxims the fallacy of which he had discernment enough to
perceive Scarce a day passed on which he did not find means to render Mr
Jolter the object of ridicule his violent prejudices ludicrous vanity aukward
solemnity and ignorance of mankind afforded continual food for the raillery
petulance and satire of his pupil who never neglected an opportunity of
laughing and making others laugh at his expence
Sometimes in their parties by mixing brandy in his wine he decoyed this
pedagogue into a debauch during which his caution forsook him and he exposed
himself to the censure of the company Sometimes when the conversation turned
upon intricate subjects he practised upon him the Socratic method of
confutation and under pretence of being informed by an artful train of
puzzling questions insensibly betrayed him into selfcontradiction and at one
time he in a most dexterous manner set on foot a correspondence between him
and the chambermaid of the house which ended in his utter shame and confusion
The wench was handsome Jolter was frail and one evening while in his cups
beheld her with a carnal eye
Perry who was ever on the catch discovered his longing and prevailed upon
the object of his passion to feed his flame with small favours until it became
too violent to be restrained he then urged his addresses with redoubled ardor
promised vowed bribed and intreated the inamorata seemed to yield and
blessed him with a declaration that her chamberdoor should be left open at
midnight
True to the assignation he rose at the hour appointed and full of the most
vigorous expectation in his shirt darkling explored his way to the place of
rendezvous His heart throbbed with joy when he found immediate admittance he
saw the cap of his Dulcinea who seemed to be asleep he sprung into bed and
clasped in his arms oh heavens no other than the traitor Pipes who by his
masters direction personated the maid and returned the embrace with such
muscular contraction that the unfortunate lover felt the disappointment and
the impossibility of disengaging himself at the same time His malicious pupil
attended by another scholar who lived in the same house and the sly jilt who
was the cause of this disaster immediately entered the room with lights and
detected the forlorn governor in all the mortification of disgrace
This adventure destroyed all the remains of authority which he had hitherto
preserved over Peregrine so that for the future no sort of ceremony subsisted
between them and all Mr Jokers precepts were conveyed in hints of friendly
advice which the other might either follow or neglect at his own pleasure No
wonder then that Peregrine gave a loose to his inclinations and by dint of
genius and an enterprising temper made a figure among the younger class of
heroes in the college
Before he had been a full year at Winchester he had signalized himself in
so many atchievements in defiance to the laws and regulations of the place
that he was looked upon with admiration and actually chosen Dux or leader by
a large body of his contemporaries It was not long before his fame reached the
ears of the master who sent for Mr Jolter communicated to him the
informations he had received and desired him to check the vivacity of his
charge and redouble his vigilance in time to come else he should be obliged to
make a public example of his pupil for the benefit of the school
The governor conscious of his own unimportance was not a little
disconcerted at this injunction which it was not in his power to fulfil by any
compulsive means He therefore went home in a very pensive mood and after
mature deliberation resolved to expostulate with Peregrine in the most familiar
terms and endeavour to dissuade him from practices which might affect his
character as well as interest He accordingly frankly told him the subject of
the masters discourse represented the disgrace he might incur by neglecting
this warning and putting him in mind of his own situation hinted the
consequences of the commodores displeasure in case he should be brought to
disapprove of his conduct These insinuations made the greater impression as
they were delivered with many expressions of friendship and concern The young
gentleman was not so raw but that he could perceive the solidity of Mr
Jolters advice to which he promised to conform because his pride was
interested in the affair and he considered his own reformation as the only
means of avoiding that infamy which even in idea he could not bear
His governor finding him so reasonable profited by these moments of
reflection and in order to prevent a relapse proposed that he should engage in
some delightful study that would agreeably amuse his imagination and gradually
detach him from those connexions which had involved him in so many troublesome
adventures For this purpose he with many rapturous encomiums recommended the
mathematics as yielding more rational and sensible pleasure to a youthful fancy
than any other subject of contemplation and actually began to read Euclid with
him that same afternoon
Peregrine entered upon this branch of learning with all that warmth of
application which boys commonly yield on the first change of study but he had
scarce advanced beyond the Pons Asinorum when his ardor abated the test of
truth by demonstration did not elevate him to those transports of joy with which
his preceptor had regaled his expectation and before he arrived at the fortieth
and seventh proposition he began to yawn drearily make abundance of wry faces
and thought himself but indifferently paid for his attention when he shared the
vast discovery of Pythagoras and understood that the square of the hypothenuse
was equal to the squares of the other two sides of a rightangled triangle He
was ashamed however to fail in his undertaking and persevered with great
industry until he had finished the first four books acquired plain
trigonometry with the method of algebraical calculation and made himself well
acquainted with the principles of surveying But no consideration could prevail
upon him to extend his inquiries farther in this science and he returned with
double relish to his former avocations like a stream which being dammed
accumulates more force and bursting oer its mounds rushes down with double
impetuosity
Mr Jolter saw with astonishment and chagrin but could not resist the
torrent His behaviour was now no other than a series of licence and effrontery
prank succeeded prank and outrage followed outrage with surprising velocity
Complaints were every day preferred against him in vain were admonitions
bestowed by the governor in private and menaces discharged by the masters in
publick he disregarded the first despised the latter divested himself of all
manner of restraint and proceeded in his career to such a pitch of audacity
that a consultation was held upon the subject in which it was determined that
this untoward spirit should be humbled by a severe and ignominious flogging for
the very next offence he should commit and in the mean time that Mr Jolter
should be desired to write in the masters name to the commodore requesting him
to remove Tom Pipes from the person of his nephew the said Pipes being a
principal actor and abettor in all his malversations and to put a stop to the
monthly visitations of the mutilated lieutenant who had never once failed to
use his permission but came punctual to a day always fraught with some new
invention Indeed by this time Mr Hatchway was as well known and much better
beloved by every boy in the school than the master who instructed him and
always received by a number of the scholars who used to attend Peregrine when he
went forth to meet his friend and conduct him to his lodging with public
testimonies of joy and applause
As for Tom Pipes he was not so properly the attendant of Peregrine as
master of the revels to the whole school He mingled in all their parties and
superintended the diversions deciding between boy and boy as if he acted by
commission under the great seal He regulated their motions by his whistle
instructed the young boys in the games of husslecap leapfrog and chuck
farthing imparted to those of a more advanced age the sciences of cribbidge and
all together with the method of storming the castle acting the comedy of
Prince Arthur and other pantomimes as they are commonly exhibited at sea and
instructed the seniors who were distinguished by the appellation of bloods in
cudgelplaying dancing the St Giless hornpipe drinking flip and smoaking
tobacco These qualifications had rendered him so necessary and acceptable to
the scholars that exclusive of Perrys concern in the affair his dismission in
all probability would have produced some dangerous convulsion in the community
Jolter therefore knowing his importance informed his pupil of the directions
he had received and very candidly asked how he should demean himself in the
execution for he durst not write to the commodore without this previous notice
fearing that the young gentleman as soon as he should get an inkling of the
affair would follow the example and make his uncle acquainted with certain
anecdotes which it was the governors interest to keep concealed Peregrine was
of opinion that he should spare himself the trouble of conveying any complaints
to the commodore and if questioned by the master assure him he had complied
with his desire at the same time he promised faithfully to conduct himself with
such circumspection for the future that the masters should have no temptation
to revive the inquiry But the resolution attending this extorted promise was
too frail to last and in less than a fortnight our young hero found himself
intangled in an adventure from which he was not extricated with his usual good
fortune
Chapter XIX
He is concerned in a dangerous Adventure with a certain Gardener heads an
Insurrection in the School takes the Field with his Adherents marches up into
the Country and fixes his Head Quarters at an Inn
He and some of his companions one day entered a garden in the suburbs and
having indulged their appetites desired to know what satisfaction they must
make for the fruit they had pulled The gardener demanded what in their
opinion was an exorbitant price and they with many opprobious terms refused to
pay it The peasant being surly and intractable insisted upon his right
neither was he deficient or sparing in the eloquence of vulgar abuse His guests
attempted to retreat a scuffle ensued in which Peregrine lost his cap and the
gardener being in danger from the number of his foes called to his wife to let
loose the dog who instantly flew to his masters assistance and after having
tore the leg of one and the shoulder of another put the whole body of scholars
to flight Enraged at the indignity which had been offered to them they
solicited a reinforcement of their friends and with Tom Pipes at their head
marched back to the field of battle Their adversary seeing them approach
called his apprentice who worked at the other end of the ground to his
assistance armed him with a mattock while he himself wielded an hoe bolted
his door on the inside and flanked with his man and mastiff waited the attack
without flinching He had not remained three minutes in this posture of defence
when Pipes who acted as the enemys forlorn hope advanced to the gate with
great intrepidity and clapping his foot to the door which was none of the
stoutest with the execution and dispatch of a petard split it into a thousand
pieces This sudden execution had an immediate effect upon the prentice who
retreated with great precipitation and escaped at a postern gate But the
master placed himself like another Hercules in the breach and when Pipes
brandishing his cudgel stepped forward to engage him levelled his weapon with
such force and dexterity at his head that had the skull been made of penetrable
stuff the iron edge must have cleft his pate in twain Casemated as he was the
instrument cut sheer even to the bone on which it struck with such amazing
violence that sparks of real fire were produced by the collision And let not
the incredulous reader pretend to doubt the truth of this phænomenon until he
shall have first perused the ingenious Peter Kolbens Natural History of the
Cape of Good Hope where the inhabitants commonly use to strike fire with the
shinbones of lions which have been killed in that part of Africk
Pipes though a little disconcerted far from being disabled by the blow in
a trice retorted the compliment with his truncheon which had not his
antagonist expeditiously slipped his head aside would have laid him breathless
across his own threshold but happily for him he received the salutation upon
his right shoulder which crashed beneath the stroke and the hoe dropped
instantly from his tingling hand Tom perceiving and being unwilling to forego
the advantage he had gained darted his head into the bosom of this son of
earth and overturned him on the plain being himself that instant assaulted by
the mastiff who fastened upon the outside of his thigh Feeling himself
incommoded by this assailant in his rear he quitted the prostrate gardener to
the resentment of his associates who poured upon him in shoals and turning
about laid hold with both his hands of this ferocious animals throat which he
squeezed with such incredible force and perseverance that the creature quitted
his hold his tongue lolled out of his jaws the blood started from his eyes
and he swung a lifeless trunk between the hands of his vanquisher
It was well for his master that he did not longer exist for by this time he
was overwhelmed by such a multitude of foes that his whole body scarce afforded
points of contact to all the fists that drummed upon it consequently to use a
vulgar phrase his wind was almost knocked out before Pipes had leisure to
interpose in his behalf and persuade his offenders to desist by representing
that the wife had gone to alarm the neighbourhood and that in all probability
they would be intercepted in their return They accordingly listened to his
remonstrances and marched homewards in triumph leaving the gardener in the
embraces of his mother earth from which he had not power to move when he was
found by his disconsolate helpmate and some friends whom she had assembled for
his assistance Among these was a blacksmith and farrier who took cognizance of
his carcase every limb of which having examined he declared there was no bone
broke and taking out his fleam blooded him plentifully as he lay He was then
conveyed to his bed from which he was not able to stir during a whole month
and his family coming upon the parish a formal complaint was made to the master
of the college and Peregrine represented as the ringleader of those who
committed this barbarous assault An inquiry was immediately set on foot and
the articles of impeachment being fully proved our hero was sentenced to be
severely chastised in the face of the whole school This was a disgrace the
thoughts of which his proud heart could not brook He resolved to make his
elopement rather than undergo the punishment to which he was doomed and having
signified his sentiments to his confederates they promised one and all to
stand by him and either screen him from chastisement or share his fate
Confiding in this friendly protestation he appeared unconcerned on the day
that was appointed for his punishment and when he was called to his destiny
advanced towards the scene attended by the greatest part of the scholars who
intimated their determination to the master and proposed that Peregrine should
be forgiven The superior behaved with that dignity of demeanor which became his
place represented the folly and presumption of their demand reprehended them
for their audacious proceeding and ordered every boy to his respective station
but they had gone too far to retract and instead of obeying the injunction they
had received marched directly out of the college with their captain in the
midst of them and halting on a rising ground at the distance of a short mile
from town held a council to deliberate on what was to be done
This consultation was too tumultuous to end in any unanimous decision so
that Mr Pickle put himself at their head and proceeded straight forward till
the hurry and confusion that prevailed among them should subside while Tom
Pipes who had by this time joined the company brought up the rear with great
calmness and tranquillity and never once inquired into the reason of this
extraordinary migration They pursued this indeterminate course for six miles
when a publichouse presenting itself to their view there was a proposal made
to halt for refreshment and they disposed of themselves accordingly as the
conveniencies of the place would permit Having made a very hearty breakfast on
bread and butter and cheese which they took care to dilute with a
proportionable quantity of ale a motion was made for holding another board
from which the younger boys were excluded that they might as much as possible
avoid clamour and distraction in their counsels Here Peregrine being invested
with the supreme command made a public speech to his constituents wherein
having thanked them for their generous interposition in his favour and the
great honour they now conferred upon him he observed that in all likelihood
they should in a little time reap the fruits of their resolution and be
recalled with honour to the studies they had left but as it would be necessary
to persevere a little longer that the masters might see they were not mere boys
whom they had disobliged he proposed that they should dismiss the minor
brothers who were not capable of enduring a little fatigue and deposit all
their money in the hands of one person who should be chosen for that trust and
to regulate their expence upon the road while they advanced farther into the
country and waited patiently for the terms which would undoubtedly be
propounded unto them The proposal was unanimously embraced the money produced
to the amount of ten guineas and put into the hands of Pipes who was elected
caterer and purser to the whole community and the young boys being exhorted to
return the rest to the number of five and twenty departed under the auspices
of Peregrine who conducted them ten miles farther to a certain village where
they took up their lodging at an inn and bespoke something hot for supper
after which they called for punch and strong beer and indulged themselves in
such intemperance that in a little time riot and disorder prevailing they
sallied forth in quest of willing dames to crown their enjoyment and committed
many other excesses which the prudence and authority of Peregrine could not
restrain
In the morning the landlord saved them the trouble of calling for a bill
and they had the mortification to see that their nights extravagance had
mounted up their expence to one half of their whole stock They discharged the
reckoning and as few or none of them had any inclination or appetite for
breakfast put themselves in motion and marched onwards for seven miles before
they made another halt This happened on the edge of a common where they
perceived the sign of the George to the no small comfort and satisfaction of
some among them whose tongues by this time cleaved to the roofs of their
mouths in consequence of the debauch of last night Here then they paused and
having moistened their throats with plentiful streams of ale began to relish
the situation and ordered their steward to provide something for dinner The
people of the house would have gladly dispensed with their custom as they had
no great faith either in the finances or principles of their guests who seemed
too young to be possessed of much money or consideration But as they lived in a
solitary place unprovided with defence against the insults to which they might
be exposed from the resentment of such a disorderly crowd they would not
venture to signify their distrust and lamented that there was nothing in the
house with which they could entertain them Tom Pipes who had observed a flock
of geese upon the common and abundance of poultry in the yard took no notice
of the landlords declaration but went out and in less than five minutes
returned with provision sufficient to regale twice the number of his associates
The woman durst not venture to disapprove of what he had done but after having
assured him that the fowls were none of her own very peaceably employed her
whole family in preparing them for the fire and some bacon and greens being
added to the repast our company disposed themselves in different groups upon
the grass and dined with great mirth and satisfaction without once
recollecting that another such meal would utterly exhaust their common fund
However this sweet insensibility did not long prevail about four oclock they
called to pay and were very much startled to find themselves charged no less
than two pounds eleven and sixpence for the entertainment they had received
They looked upon this reckoning as unconscionable and disputed every article
accordingly but the landlady solemnly protested that the sum would barely
indemnify her and imputed great part of the charge to the unnecessary number of
geese and chickens which had been slaughtered without her knowledge or consent
Pipes who on certain subjects thought a little too much at large proposed
to punish her for her exorbitant demand by marching off without paying one
farthing but this advice Peregrine declined with disdain looking upon such an
expedient as inconsistent with the dignity of the corps which he had the honour
to command and ordered that the bill should be immediately discharged This
affair being settled to the satisfaction of all parties concerned they resumed
their march and in the evening arrived at a certain market town where they
resolved to fix their quarters until they should hear tidings from the college
which they had left With this view they chose their residence at the best inn
belonging to the place and determined to manage the remains of their fortune
with great frugality But the spirits of some amongst them beginning to flag in
consequence of the fatigue of their journey and their own reflection that now
represented the folly of their design with the uncomfortable circumstances that
must in a few hours attend the consumption of their stock this prudent scheme
of oeconomy was overruled a huge bowl of punch prepared and Pipes ordered to
enliven the company with a song Their cares were in a little time overwhelmed
and the greatest part of the night was consumed in mirth and jollity though
next morning they waked in the horrors and universal despondence took place
when they learnt that their bank was scarce able to defray the expence of their
bill which they received next their stomachs and were obliged to discharge
They were now reduced to a dilemma that occasioned another general
consultation in which they agreed to club their pocketpieces and silver
buckles for present support and give notice by letters of their situation to
their respective relations taking care to ascribe their distress to the ill
usage they had met with at school on this occasion Peregrine produced the ring
and medal he had received from Mrs Trunnion and Pipes not only presented his
own purse which was pretty well furnished but even made a proffer of his
silver whistle with the chain by which it had for many years depended from his
neck They thanked him for his disinterested attachment but all his
sollicitations could not prevail upon the chiefs to profit by this instance of
his good fellowship because they considered him as a person whose assistance in
this particular it was neither just nor honourable to use
Chapter XX
The Governors tamper with their Pupils Peregrine is deserted prevailed upon to
return and submit to Correction sublimes his Ideas commences Gallant and
becomes acquainted with Miss Emily Gauntlet
Mean while the master surprised and disconcerted at such an unprecedented
secession convened all the tutors of those who were concerned in this dangerous
association in order to concert proper measures for recalling them and after
mature deliberation as it was the opinion of every body that such a number of
raw hotheaded boys without money conduct experience or plan could not
possibly cohere for any length of time they resolved to leave them to the
operation of their own passions not doubting that as the first impulse
gradually weakened they would drop off one by one and the whole confederacy be
thus melted down The return of the young boys justified the prognostic but the
masters were not a little alarmed when they understood that the rest had chosen
a general submitted to certain regulations and adopted a determinate design
They resolved nevertheless to give them a little more scope and waited four
and twenty hours for the effect of their forbearance when hearing no accounts
from the deserters they began to consider this revolt as a very serious affair
and in pursuance of their advice and direction the governors set out in quest
of their stray pupils
It was not difficult to discover the rout they had taken such a remarkable
caravan could not pass unheeded they got intimation of their advances from
stage to stage and at night arrived at an inn that stood on the road about two
miles short of the town where the adventurers had settled their head quarters
From hence they repaired in a body to the house of a neighbouring justice who
in consequence of their representations granted a warrant to apprehend and
secure the body of Thomas Pipes as an idle vagabond and seducer of youth Thus
authorised they went early next morning to the town and set up their horses at
another inn where they remained incognito until they had engaged the constable
with a competent number of assistants then a person was sent to inform Mr
Pipes that his company was desired at the White Hart
Tom received this message immediately after the contribution of effects
already mentioned and imparted the contents to his master who rightly judging
that it concerned the common cause desired him to obey the summons He followed
the messenger accordingly and no sooner set his nose within the room to which
he was directed than the constable and his posse sprung upon him before he had
the least intimation of his design or any opportunity of acting in his own
defence
Thus overpowered he was made acquainted with the cause of his being
arrested which in all appearance did not give him a great deal of concern
and in private committed to jail where he was left to his own meditations
This previous measure being successfully taken the tutors went into
separate apartments and sending for their respective pupils each plied his own
charge in particular with such arguments as he judged most conducive to dissuade
him from persevering in the imprudent scheme which he had already prosecuted too
far No great eloquence was required to accomplish this aim which was already
more than half effected by their own reflections and therefore the greatest
part of them yielded to such reasonable remonstrances and consented to return
to school provided they might be indulged with a general amnesty for what they
had done This they were impowered to promise to all of them except Peregrine
whom as ringleader and first cause of this disturbance the master had marked
out for a public example For this reason he stood out against all the
admonitions of Mr Jolter who in vain conjured him to put up with a little
correction rather than run the risk of being ignominiously expelled and of
forfeiting the friendship of his uncle on whom he knew his chief dependance was
built till at length seeing his adherents persuaded out of their allegiance
and himself bereft of all company and means of subsistence he with great
reluctance resigned himself to his fate and having obtained the discharge of
Pipes was reconducted to the college where notwithstanding the intercession
of his governor who begged earnestly that his punishment might be mitigated
our unfortunate hero was publickly horsed in terrorem of all whom it might
concern
This disgrace had a very sensible effect upon the mind of Peregrine who
having by this time passed the fourteenth year of his age began to adopt the
pride and sentiments of a man Thus dishonourably stigmatized he was ashamed to
appear in public as usual he was incensed against his companions for their
infidelity and irresolution and plunged into a profound reverie that lasted
several weeks during which he shook off his boyish connections and fixed his
view upon objects which he thought more worthy of his attention
In the course of his gymnastic exercises at which he was very expert he
contracted intimacies with several youths who were greatly his superiors in
point of age and who pleased with his aspiring genius and address introduced
him into parties of gallantry which strongly captivated his inclination He was
by nature particularly adapted for succeeding in adventures of this kind over
and above a most engaging person that improved with his years he possessed a
dignified assurance an agreeable ferocity which inhanced the conquest of the
fair who had the good fortune to enslave him unlimited generosity and a fund
of humour which never failed to please Nor was he deficient in the more solid
accomplishments of youth he had profited in his studies beyond expectation and
besides that sensibility of discernment which is the foundation of taste and in
consequence of which he distinguished and enjoyed the beauties of the Classics
he had already given several specimens of a very promising poetic talent
With this complexion and these qualifications no wonder that our hero
attracted the notice and affection of the young Delias in town whose hearts had
just begun to flutter for they knew not what Inquiries were made concerning his
condition and no sooner were his expectations known than he was invited and
caressed by all the parents while their daughters vyed with each other in
treating him with particular complacency He inspired love and emulation
wherever he appeared envy and jealous rage followed of course so that he
became a very desirable though a very dangerous acquaintance His moderation
was not equal to his success his vanity took the lead of his passions
dissipating his attention which might otherwise have fixed him to one object
and he was possessed with the rage of increasing the number of his conquests
With this view he frequented public walks concerts and assemblies became
remarkably rich and fashionable in his cloaths gave entertainments to the
ladies and was in the utmost hazard of turning out a most egregious coxcomb
While his character thus wavered between the ridicule of some and the
regard of others an accident happened which by contracting his view to one
object detached him from those vain pursuits that would in time have plunged
him into an abyss of folly and contempt Being one evening at the ball which is
always given to the ladies at the time of the races the person who acted as
master of the ceremonies knowing how fond Mr Pickle was of every opportunity
to display himself came up and told him that there was a fine young creature
at the other end of the room who seemed to have a great inclination to dance a
minuet but wanted a partner the gentleman who attended her being in boots
Peregrines vanity being aroused at this intimation he went up to
reconnoitre the young lady and was struck with admiration at her beauty She
seemed to be of his own age was tall and tho slender exquisitely shaped her
hair was auburn and in such plenty that the barbarity of dress had not been
able to prevent it from shading both sides of her forehead which was high and
polished the contour of her face was oval her nose very little raised into the
aquiline form that contributed to the spirit and dignity of her aspect her
mouth was small her lips plump juicy and delicious her teeth regular and
white as driven snow her complexion incredibly delicate and glowing with
health and her full blue eyes beamed forth vivacity and love her mein was at
the same time commanding and engaging her address perfectly genteel and her
whole appearance so captivating that our young Adonis looked and was overcome
He no sooner recollected himself from his astonishment than he advanced to
her with a graceful air of respect and begged she would do him the honour to
walk a minuet with him She seemed particularly pleased with his application
and very frankly complied with his request This pair was too remarkable to
escape the particular notice of the company Mr Pickle was well known by almost
every body in the room but his partner was altogether a new face and of
consequence underwent the criticism of all the ladies in the assembly one
whispered »She has a good complexion but dont you think she is a little
awry« A second pitied her for her masculine nose a third observed that she
was aukward for want of seeing company a fourth distinguished something very
bold in her countenance and in short there was not a beauty in her whole
composition which the glass of envy did not pervert into a blemish
The men however looked upon her with different eyes among them her
appearance produced an universal murmur of applause they encircled the space on
which she danced and were enchanted by her graceful motion While they launched
out in the praise of her they expressed their displeasure at the good fortune
of her partner whom they damned for a little finical coxcomb that was too much
engrossed by the contemplation of his own person to discern or deserve the
favour of his fate He did not hear therefore could not repine at these
invectives but while they imagined he indulged his vanity a much more generous
passion had taken possession of his heart
Instead of that petulance of gaiety for which he had been distinguished in
his public appearance he now gave manifest signs of confusion and concern he
danced with an anxiety which impeded his performance and blushed to the eyes at
every false step he made Though this extraordinary agitation was overlooked by
the men it could not escape the observation of the ladies who perceived it
with equal surprize and resentment and when Peregrine led this fair unknown to
her seat expressed their pique in an affected titter which broke from every
mouth at the same instant as if all of them had been informed by the same
spirit
Peregrine was nettled at this unmannerly mark of disapprobation and in
order to increase their chagrin endeavoured to enter into particular
conversation with their fair rival The young lady herself who neither wanted
penetration nor the consciousness of her own accomplishments resented their
behaviour though she triumphed at the cause of it and gave her partner all the
encouragement he could desire Her mother who was present thanked him for his
civility in taking such notice of a stranger and he received a compliment of
the same nature from the young gentleman in boots who was her own brother
If he was charmed with her appearance he was quite ravished with her
discourse which was sensible spirited and gay Her frank and sprightly
demeanour excited his own confidence and good humour and he described to her
the characters of those females who had honoured them with such a spiteful mark
of distinction in terms so replete with humorous satire that she seemed to
listen with particular complacency of attention and distinguished every nymph
thus ridiculed with such a significant glance as overwhelmed her with chagrin
and mortification In short they seemed to relish each others conversation
during which our young Damon acquitted himself with great skill in all the
duties of gallantry he laid hold of proper opportunities to express his
admiration of her charms had recourse to the silent rhetoric of tender looks
breathed divers insidious sighs and attached himself wholly to her during the
remaining part of the entertainment
When the company broke up he attended her to her lodgings and took leave
of her with a squeeze of the hand after having obtained permission to visit her
next morning and been informed by the mother that her name was Miss Emilia
Gauntlet
All night long he closed not an eye but amused himself with plans of
pleasure which his imagination suggested in consequence of this new
acquaintance He arose with the lark adjusted his hair into an agreeable
negligence of curl and dressing himself in a genteel grey frock trimmed with
silver binding waited with the utmost impatience for the hour of ten which no
sooner struck than he hied him to the place of appointment and inquiring for
Miss Gauntlet was shewn into a parlour Here he had not waited above ten
minutes when Emilia entered in a most inchanting undress with all the graces
of nature playing about her person and in a moment rivetted the chains of his
slavery beyond the power of accident to unbind
Her mother being still abed and her brother gone to give orders about the
chaise in which they proposed to return the same day to their own habitation
he enjoyed her company tête a tête a whole hour during which he declared his
love in the most passionate terms and begged that he might be admitted into the
number of those admirers whom she permitted to visit and adore her
She affected to look upon his vows and protestations as the ordinary effects
of gallantry and very obligingly assured him that were she to live in that
place she should be glad to see him often but as the spot on which she resided
was at a considerable distance she could not expect he would go so far upon
such a trifling occasion or take the trouble of providing himself with her
mammas permission
To this favourable hint he answered with all the eagerness of the most
fervid passion that he had uttered nothing but the genuine dictates of his
heart and desired nothing so much as an opportunity of evincing the sincerity
of his professions and that though she lived at the extremity of the kingdom
he would find means to lay himself at her feet provided he could visit her with
her mothers consent which he assured her he would not fail to sollicit
She then gave him to understand that her habitation was about sixteen miles
from Winchester in a village which she named and where as he could easily
collect from her discourse he would be no unwelcome guest
In the midst of this communication they were joined by Mrs Gauntlet who
received him with great courtesy thanked him again for his politeness to Emy at
the Ball and anticipated his intention by saying that she should be very glad
to see him at her house if ever his occasions should call him that way
Chapter XXI
He inquires into the Situation of this young Lady with whom he is enamoured
elopes from School is found by the Lieutenant reconveyed to Winchester and
sends a Letter with a Copy of Verses to his Mistress
He was transported with pleasure at this invitation which he assured her he
should not neglect and after a little more conversation on general topics took
his leave of the charming Emilia and her prudent mamma who had perceived the
first emotions of Mr Pickles passion for her daughter and been at some pains
to inquire about his family and fortune
Neither was Peregrine less inquisitive about the situation and pedigree of
his new mistress who he learned was the only daughter of a fieldofficer who
died before he had it in his power to make suitable provision for his children
that the widow lived in a frugal though decent manner on the pension assisted
by the bounty of her relations that the son carried arms as volunteer in the
company which his father had commanded and that Emilia had been educated in
London at the expence of a rich uncle who was seized with the whim of marrying
at the age of fifty in consequence of which his niece had returned to her
mother without any visible dependance except on her own conduct and
qualifications
This account though it could not diminish his affection nevertheless
alarmed his pride for his warm imagination had exaggerated all his own
prospects and he began to fear that his passion for Emilia might he thought to
derogate from the dignity of his situation The struggle between his interest
and love produced a perplexity which had an evident effect upon his behaviour
he became pensive solitary and peevish avoided all publick diversions and
grew so remarkably negligent in his dress that he was scarce distinguishable by
his own acquaintance This contention of thoughts continued several weeks at
the end of which the charms of Emilia triumphed over every other consideration
and having received a supply of money from the commodore who acted towards him
with great generosity he ordered Pipes to put up some linnen and other
necessaries in a sort of knapsack which he could conveniently carry and thus
attended set out early one morning on foot for the village where his charmer
lived at which he arrived before two oclock in the afternoon having chosen
this method of travelling that his rout might not be so easily discovered as
it must have been had he hired horses or taken a place in the stagecoach
The first thing he did was to secure a convenient lodging at the inn where
he dined then he shifted himself and according to the direction he had
received went to the house of Mrs Gauntlet in a transport of joyous
expectation As he approached the gate his agitation increased he knocked with
impatience and concern the door opened and he had actually asked if Mrs
Gauntlet was at home before he perceived that the portress was no other than
his dear Emilia She was not without emotion at the unexpected sight of her
lover who instantly recognizing his charmer obeyed the irresistible impulse of
his love and caught the fair creature in his arms Nor did she seem offended at
this forwardness of behaviour which might have displeased another of a less
open disposition or less used to the freedom of a sensible education but her
natural frankness had been encouraged and improved by the easy and familiar
intercourse in which she had been bred and therefore instead of reprimanding
him with a severity of look she with great good humour rallied him upon his
assurance which she observed was undoubtedly the effect of his own conscious
merit and conducted him into a parlour where he found her mother who in very
polite terms expressed her satisfaction at seeing him within her house
Having drank tea together Miss Emy proposed an evening walk which they
enjoyed through a variety of little copses and lawns watered by a most romantic
stream that quite enchanted the imagination of Peregrine
It was late before they returned from this agreeable excursion and when our
lover wished the ladies good night Mrs Gauntlet insisted upon his staying to
supper and treated him with particular demonstrations of regard and affection
As her oeconomy was not encumbered with an unnecessary number of domestics her
own presence was often required in different parts of the house so that the
young gentleman was supplied with frequent opportunities of promoting his suit
by all the tender oaths and insinuations that his passion could suggest He
protested that her idea had taken such entire possession of his heart that
finding himself unable to support her absence one day longer he had quitted his
studies and left his governor by stealth that he might visit the object of his
adoration and be blessed in her company for a few days without interruption
She listened to his addresses with such affability as denoted approbation
and delight and gently chid him as a thoughtless truant but carefully avoided
the confession of a mutual flame because she discerned in the midst of all his
tenderness a levity of pride which she durst not venture to trust with such a
declaration Perhaps she was confirmed in this caution by her mother who very
wisely in her civilities to him maintained a sort of ceremonious distance
which she thought not only requisite for the honour and interest of her family
but likewise for her own exculpation should she ever be taxed with having
encouraged or abetted him in the imprudent sallies of his youth yet
notwithstanding this affected reserve he was treated with such distinction both
by one and tother that he was ravished with his situation and became more and
more enamoured every day
While he remained under the influence of this sweet intoxication his
absence produced great disturbance at Winchester Mr Jolter was grievously
afflicted at his abrupt departure which alarmed him the more as it happened
after a long fit of melancholy which he had perceived in his pupil He
communicated his apprehensions to the master of the school who advised him to
apprize the commodore of his nephews disappearance and in the mean time
inquire at all the inns in town whether he had hired horses or any sort of
carriage for his conveyance or was not met with on the road by any person who
could give an account of the direction in which he travelled
This scrutiny though performed with great diligence and minuteness was
altogether ineffectual they could obtain no intelligence of the runaway Mr
Trunnion was well nigh distracted at the news of his flight he raved with great
fury at the imprudence of Peregrine whom in his first transports he damned as
an ungrateful deserter then he cursed Hatchway and Pipes who he swore had
foundered the lad by their pernicious counsels and lastly transferred his
execrations upon Jolter because he had not kept a better lookout finally he
made an apostrophe to that son of a bitch the gout which for the present
disabled him from searching for his nephew in person That he might not
however neglect any means in his power he immediately dispatched expresses to
all the seaport towns on that coast that he might be prevented from leaving the
kingdom and the lieutenant at his own desire was sent across the country in
quest of this young fugitive
Four days had he unsuccessfully carried on his inquiries with great
accuracy when resolving to return by Winchester where he hoped to meet with
some hints of intelligence by which he might profit in his future search he
struck off the common road to take the benefit of a nearer cut and finding
himself benighted near a village took up his lodging at the first inn to which
his horse directed him Having bespoke something for supper and retired to his
chamber where he amused himself with a pipe he heard a confused noise of
rustic jollity which being all of a sudden interrupted after a short pause his
ear was saluted by the voice of Pipes who at the sollicitation of the company
began to entertain them with a song
Hatchway instantly recognized the wellknown sound in which indeed he could
not possibly be mistaken as nothing in nature bore the least resemblance to it
he threw his pipe into the chimney and snatching up one of his pistols ran
immediately to the apartment from whence the voice issued he no sooner entered
than distinguishing his old shipmate in a crowd of country peasants he in a
moment sprung upon him and clapping his pistol to his breast exclaimed »Damn
you Pipes youre a dead man if you dont immediately produce young master«
This menacing application had a much greater effect upon the company than
upon Tom who looking at the lieutenant with great tranquillity replied »Why
so I can Master Hatchway« »What safe and sound« cried the other »As a
roach« answered Pipes so much to the satisfaction of his friend Jack that he
shook him by the hand and desired him to proceed with his song This being
performed and the reckoning discharged the two friends adjourned to the other
room where the lieutenant was informed of the manner in which the young
gentleman had made his elopement from college as well as of the other
particulars of his present situation as far as they had fallen within the
sphere of his comprehension
While they sat thus conferring together Peregrine having taken his leave of
his mistress for the night came home and was not a little surprised when
Hatchway entering his chamber in his sea attitude thrust out his hand by way of
salutation His old pupil received him as usual with great cordiality and
expressed his astonishment at meeting him in that place but when he understood
the cause and intention of his arrival he started with concern and his visage
glowing with indignation told him he was old enough to be judge of his own
conduct and when he should see it convenient would return of himself but
those who thought he was to be compelled to his duty would find themselves
egregiously mistaken
The lieutenant assured him that for his own part he had no intention to
offer him the least violence but at the same time he represented to him the
danger of incensing the commodore who was already almost distracted on account
of his absence and in short conveyed his arguments which were equally obvious
and valid in such expressions of friendship and respect that Peregrine yielded
to his remonstrances and promised to accompany him next day to Winchester
Hatchway overjoyed at the success of his negociation went immediately to
the hostler and bespoke a postchaise for Mr Pickle and his man with whom he
afterwards indulged himself in a double cann of rumbo and when the night was
pretty far advanced left the lover to his repose or rather to the thorns of
his own meditation for he slept not one moment being incessantly tortured with
the prospect of parting from his divine Emilia who had now acquired the most
absolute empire over his soul One minute he proposed to depart early in the
morning without seeing this enchantress in whose bewitching presence he durst
not trust his own resolution Then the thoughts of leaving her in such an abrupt
and disrespectful manner interposed in favour of his love and honour This war
of sentiments kept him all night upon the rack and it was time to rise before
he had determined to visit his charmer and candidly impart the motives that
induced him to leave her
He accordingly repaired to her mothers house with a heavy heart being
attended to the gate by Hatchway who did not choose to leave him alone and
being admitted found Emilia just risen and in his opinion more beautiful than
ever
Alarmed at his early visit and the gloom that overspread his countenance
she stood in silent expectation of hearing some melancholy tidings and it was
not till after a considerable pause that he collected resolution enough to tell
her he was come to take his leave Though she strove to conceal her sorrow
nature was not to be suppressed every feature of her countenance saddened in a
moment and it was not without the utmost difficulty that she kept her lovely
eyes from overflowing He saw the situation of her thoughts and in order to
alleviate her concern assured her he should find means to see her again in a
very few weeks mean while he communicated his reasons for departing in which
she readily acquiesced and having mutually consoled each other their
transports of grief subsided and before Mrs Gauntlet came down stairs they
were in a condition to behave with great decency and resignation
This good lady expressed her concern when she learnt his resolution saying
she hoped his occasions and inclinations would permit him to favour them with
his agreeable company another time
The lieutenant who began to be uneasy at Peregrines stay knocked at the
door and being introduced by his friend had the honour of breakfasting with
the ladies on which occasion his heart received such a rude shock from the
charms of Emilia that he afterwards made a merit with his friend of having
constrained himself so far as to forbear commencing his professed rival
At length they bad adieu to their kind entertainers and in less than an
hour setting out from the inn arrived about two oclock in Winchester where
Mr Jolter was overwhelmed with joy at their appearance
The nature of this adventure being unknown to all except those who could be
depended upon every body who inquired about the cause of Peregrines absence
was told that he had been with a relation in the country and the master
condescended to overlook his indiscretion so that Hatchway seeing every thing
settled to the satisfaction of his friend returned to the garrison and gave
the commodore an account of his expedition
The old gentleman was very much startled when he heard there was a lady in
the case and very emphatically observed that a man had better be sucked into
the gulph of Florida than once get into the indraught of woman because in one
case he may with good pilotage bring out his vessel safe between the Bahamas
and the Indian shore but in the other there is no outlet at all and it is in
vain to strive against the current so that of course he must be embayed and
run chuck upon a leeshore He resolved therefore to lay the state of the case
before Mr Gamaliel Pickle and concert such measures with him as should be
thought likeliest to detach his son from the pursuit of an idle amour which
could not fail of interfering in a dangerous manner with the plan of his
education
In the mean time Perrys ideas were totally engrossed by his amiable
mistress who whether he slept or waked was still present in his imagination
which produced the following stanzas in her praise
I
Adieu ye streams that smoothly flow
Ye vernal airs that softly blow
Ye plains by blooming spring arrayd
Ye birds that warble thro the shade
II
Unhurt from you my soul could fly
Nor drop one tear nor heave one sigh
But forcd from Celias charms to part
All joy deserts my drooping heart
III
O fairer than the rosy morn
When flowers the dewy fields adorn
Unsullied as the genial ray
That warms the balmy breeze of May
IV
Thy charms divinely bright appear
And add new splendor to the year
Improve the day with fresh delight
And gild with joy the dreary night
This juvenile production was inclosed in a very tender billet to Emilia and
committed to the charge of Pipes who was ordered to set out for Mrs Gauntlets
habitation with a present of venison and a compliment to the ladies and
directed to take some opportunity of delivering the letter to miss without the
knowledge of her mamma
Chapter XXII
His Messenger meets with a Misfortune to which he applies a very extraordinary
Expedient that is attended with strange Consequences
As a stage coach passed within two miles of the village where she lived Tom
bargained with the driver for a seat on the box and accordingly departed on
this message though he was but indifferently qualified for commissions of such
a nature having received particular injunctions about the letter he resolved
to make that the chief object of his care and very sagaciously conveyed it
between his stocking and the sole of his foot where he thought it would be
perfectly secure from all injury and accident Here it remained until he arrived
at the inn where he had formerly lodged when after having refreshed himself
with a draught of beer he pulled off his stocking and found the poor billet
sullied with dust and torn into a thousand tatters by the motion of his foot in
walking the last two miles of his journey Thunderstruck at this phænomenon he
uttered a long and loud whew which was succeeded by an exclamation of »Damn my
old shoes a bite by G« then he rested his elbows on the table and his
forehead upon his two fists and in that attitude deliberated with himself upon
the means of remedying this misfortune
As he was not distracted by a vast number of ideas he soon concluded that
his best expedient would be to employ the clerk of the parish who he knew was a
great scholar to write another epistle according to the directions he should
give him and never dreaming that the mangled original would in the least
facilitate this scheme he very wisely committed it to the flames that it might
never rise up in judgment against him
Having taken this wise step he went in quest of his scribe to whom he
communicated his business and promised a fullpot by way of gratification The
clerk who was also schoolmaster proud of an opportunity to distinguish his
talents readily undertook the task and repairing with his employer to the inn
in less than a quarter of an hour produced a morsel of eloquence so much to the
satisfaction of Pipes that he squeezed his hand by way of acknowledgment and
doubled his allowance of beer which being discussed our courier betook himself
to the house of Mrs Gauntlet with the haunch of venison and this succedaneous
letter and delivered his message to the mother who received it with great
respect and many kind inquiries about the health and welfare of his master
attempting to tip the messenger a crown which he absolutely refused to accept
in consequence of Mr Pickles repeated caution While the old gentlewoman
turned to a servant in order to give directions about the disposal of this
present Pipes looked upon this as a favourable occasion to transact his
business with Emilia and therefore shutting one eye with a jirk of his thumb
towards his left shoulder and a most significant twist of his countenance he
beckoned the young lady into another room as if he had been fraught with
something of consequence which he wanted to impart She understood the hint
howsoever strangely communicated and by stepping to one side of the room gave
him an opportunity of slipping the epistle into her hand which he gently
squeezed at the same time in token of regard then throwing a sideglance at the
mother whose back was turned clapped his finger to one side of his nose
thereby recommending secrecy and discretion
Emilia conveying the letter into her bosom could not help smiling at Toms
politeness and dexterity but lest her mamma should detect him in the execution
of his pantomime she broke off this intercourse of signs by asking aloud when
he proposed to set out on his return to Winchester and when he answered
»Tomorrow morning« Mrs Gauntlet recommended him to the hospitality of her own
footman desiring him to make much of Mr Pipes below where he was kept to
supper and very cordially entertained Our young heroine impatient to read her
lovers billet which made her heart throb with rapturous expectation retired
to her chamber as soon as possible with a view of perusing the contents which
were these
Divine empress of my soul
If the refulgent flames of your beauty had not evaporated the
particles of my transported brain and scorched my intellects into a
cinder of stolidity perhaps the resplendency of my passion might shine
illustrious through the sable curtain of my ink and in sublimity
transcend the galaxy itself though wafted on the pinions of a grey
goose quill But ah celestial enchantress the negromancy of thy
tyrannical charms hath fettered my faculties with adamantine chains
which unless thy compassion shall melt I must eternally remain in the
tartarean gulph of dismal despair Vouchsafe therefore O thou brightest
luminary of this terrestrial sphere to warm as well as shine and let
the genial rays of thy benevolence melt the icy emanations of thy
disdain which hath frozen up the spirits of angelic preheminence thy
most egregious admirer and superlative slave
PEREGRINE PICKLE
Never was astonishment more perplexing than that of Emilia when she read this
curious composition which she repeated verbatim three times before she would
credit the evidence of her own senses She began to fear in good earnest that
love had produced a disorder in her lovers understanding but after a thousand
conjectures by which she attempted to account for this extraordinary fustian of
stile she concluded that it was the effect of mere levity calculated to
ridicule the passion he had formerly professed Irritated by this supposition
she resolved to baulk his triumph with affected indifference and in the mean
time endeavour to expel him from that place which he possessed within her heart
And indeed such a victory over her inclinations might have been obtained
without great difficulty for she enjoyed an easiness of temper that could
accommodate itself to the emergencies of her fate and her vivacity by amusing
her imagination preserved her from the keener sensations of sorrow Thus
determined and disposed she did not send any sort of answer or the least token
of remembrance by Pipes who was suffered to depart with a general compliment
from the mother and arrived at Winchester the next day
Peregrines eyes sparkled when he saw his messenger come in and he
stretched out his hand in full confidence of receiving some particular mark of
his Emilias affection but how was he confounded when he felt his hope so
cruelly disappointed In an instant his countenance fell He stood for some time
silent and abashed then thrice repeated the interrogation of »What not one
word from Emilia« And dubious of his couriers discretion inquired minutely
into all the particulars of his reception He asked if he had seen the young
lady if she was in good health if he had found an opportunity of delivering
his letter and how she looked when he put it into her hand Pipes answered
that he had never seen her in better health or higher spirits that he had
managed matters so as not only to present the billet unperceived but also to
ask her commands in private before he took his leave when she told him that the
letter required no reply This last circumstance he considered as a manifest
mark of disrespect and gnawed his lips with resentment Upon further reflexion
however he supposed that she could not conveniently write by the messenger and
would undoubtedly favour him by the post This consideration consoled him for
the present and he waited impatiently for the fruits of his hope but after he
had seen eight days elapsed without reaping the satisfaction with which he had
flattered himself his temper forsook him he raved against the whole sex and
was seized with a fit of sullen chagrin but his pride in a little time came to
his assistance and rescued him from the horrors of the melancholy fiend He
resolved to retort her own neglect upon his ungrateful mistress his countenance
gradually resumed its former serenity and though by this time he was pretty
well cured of his foppery he appeared again at public diversions with an air of
gaiety and unconcern that Emilia might have a chance of hearing how much in
all likelihood he disregarded her disdain
There are never wanting certain officious persons who take pleasure in
promoting intelligence of this sort His behaviour soon reached the ears of Miss
Gauntlet and confirmed her in the opinion she had conceived from his letter so
that she fortified herself in her former sentiments and bore his indifference
with great philosophy Thus a correspondence which had commenced with all the
tenderness and sincerity of love and every promise of duration was interrupted
in its infancy by a misunderstanding occasioned by the simplicity of Pipes who
never once reflected upon the consequences of his deceit
Though their mutual passion was by these means suppressed for the present
it was not altogether extinguished but glowed in secret though even to
themselves unknown until an occasion which afterwards offered blew up the
latent flame and love resumed his empire in their breasts
While they moved as it were without the sphere of each others attraction
the commodore fearing that Perry was in danger of involving himself in some
pernicious engagement resolved by advice of Mr Jolter and his friend the
parish priest to recall him from the place where he had contracted such
imprudent connexions and send him to the university where his education might
be compleated and his fancy weaned from all puerile amusements
This plan had been proposed to his own father who as hath been already
observed stood always neuter in every thing that concerned his eldest son and
as for Mrs Pickle she had never heard his name mentioned since his departure
with any degree of temper or tranquillity except when her husband informed her
that he was in a fair way of being ruined by this indiscreet amour It was then
she began to applaud her own foresight which had discerned the mark of
reprobation in that vicious boy and launched out in comparisons between him and
Gammy who she observed was a child of uncommon parts and solidity and with
the blessing of God would be a comfort to his parents and an ornament to the
family
Should I affirm that this favourite whom she commended so much was in every
respect the reverse of what she described that he was a boy of mean capacity
and though remarkably distorted in his body much more crooked in his
disposition and that she had persuaded her husband to espouse her opinion
though it was contrary to common sense as well as to his own perception I am
afraid the reader will think I represent a monster that never existed in nature
and be apt to condemn the oeconomy of my invention nevertheless there is
nothing more true than every circumstance of what I have advanced and I wish
the picture singular as it is may not be thought to resemble more than one
original
Chapter XXIII
Peregrine is summoned to attend his Uncle is more and more hated by his own
Mother appeals to his Father whose Condescension is defeated by the Dominion
of his Wife
But waving these reflections let us return to Peregrine who received a summons
to attend his uncle and in a few days arrived with Mr Jolter and Pipes at the
garrison which he filled with joy and satisfaction The alteration which
during his absence had happened in his person was very favourable to his
appearance which from that of a comely boy was converted into that of a most
engaging youth He was already taller than a middlesized man his shape
ascertained his sinews well knit his mien greatly improved and his whole
figure as elegant and graceful as if it had been cast in the same mould with
the Apollo of Belvidere
Such an outside could not fail of prepossessing people in his favour The
commodore notwithstanding the advantageous reports he had heard found his
expectation exceeded in the person of Peregrine and signified his approbation
in the most sanguine terms Mrs Trunnion was struck with his genteel address
and received him with uncommon marks of complacency and affection he was
caressed by all the people in the neighbourhood who while they admired his
accomplishments could not help pitying his infatuated mother who was deprived
of that unutterable delight which any other parent would have enjoyed in the
contemplation of such an amiable son
Divers efforts were made by some welldisposed people to conquer if
possible this monstrous prejudice but their endeavours instead of curing
served only to inflame the distemper and she never could be prevailed upon to
indulge him in the least mark of maternal regard On the contrary her original
disgust degenerated into such inveteracy of hatred that she left no stone
unturned to alienate the commodores affection for this her innocent child and
even practised the most malicious defamation to accomplish her purpose Every
day did she abuse her husbands ear with some forged instance of Peregrines
ingratitude to his uncle well knowing that it would reach the commodores
knowledge at night
Accordingly Mr Pickle used to tell him at the club that his hopeful
favourite had ridiculed him in such a company and aspersed his spouse upon
another occasion and thus retail the little scandalous issue of his own wifes
invention Luckily for Peregrine the commodore paid no great regard to the
authority of his informer because he knew from what canal his intelligence
flowed besides the youth had a staunch friend in Mr Hatchway who never
failed to vindicate him when he was thus unjustly accused and always found
argument enough to confute the assertions of his enemies But though Trunnion
had been dubious of the young gentlemans principles and deaf to the
remonstrances of the lieutenant Perry was provided with a bulwark strong enough
to defend him from all such assaults This was no other than his aunt whose
regard for him was perceived to increase in the same proportion as his own
mothers diminished and indeed the augmentation of the one was in all
probability owing to the decrease of the other for the two ladies with great
civility performed all the duties of good neighbourhood and hated each other
most piously in their hearts
Mrs Pickle having been disobliged at the splendor of her sisters new
equipage had ever since that time in the course of her visiting endeavoured
to make people merry with satirical jokes on that poor ladys infirmities and
Mrs Trunnion seized the very first opportunity of making reprisals by
inveighing against her unnatural behaviour to her own child so that Peregrine
as on the one hand he was abhorred so on the other was he caressed in
consequence of this contention and I firmly believe that the most effectual
method of destroying his interest at the garrison would have been the shew of
countenancing him at his fathers house but whether this conjecture be
reasonable or chimerical certain it is the experiment was never tried and
therefore Mr Peregrine ran no risk of being disgraced The commodore who
assumed and justly too the whole merit of his education was now as proud of
the youths improvements as if he had actually been his own offspring and
sometimes his affection rose to such a pitch of enthusiasm that he verily
believed him to be the issue of his own loins Notwithstanding this favourable
predicament in which our hero stood with his aunt and her husband he could not
help feeling the injury he suffered from the caprice of his mother and though
the gaiety of his disposition hindered him from afflicting himself with
reflexions of any gloomy cast he did not fail to forsee that if any sudden
accident should deprive him of the commodore he would in all likelihood find
himself in a very disagreeable situation Prompted by this consideration he one
evening accompanied his uncle to the club and was introduced to his father
before that worthy gentleman had the least inkling of his arrival
Mr Gamaliel was never so disconcerted as at this rencounter His own
disposition would not suffer him to do any thing that might create the least
disturbance or interrupt his evenings enjoyment and so strongly was he
impressed with the terror of his wife that he durst not yield to the
tranquillity of his temper and as I have already observed his inclination was
perfectly neutral Thus distracted between different motives when Perry was
presented to him he sat silent and absorpt as if he did not or would not
perceive the application and when he was urged to declare himself by the youth
who pathetically begged to know how he had incurred his displeasure he answered
in a peevish strain »Why good now child what would you have me to do your
mother cant abide you« »If my mother is so unkind I will not call it
unnatural said Peregrine the tears of indignation starting from his eyes as
to banish me from her presence and affection without the least cause assigned
I hope you will not be so unjust as to espouse her barbarous prejudice« Before
Mr Pickle had time to reply to this expostulation for which he was not at all
prepared the commodore interposed and enforced his favourites remonstrance
by telling Mr Gamaliel that he was ashamed to see any man drive in such a
miserable manner under his wifes petticoat »As for my own part said he
raising his voice and assuming a look of importance and command before I would
suffer myself to be steered all weathers by any woman in Christendom dye see
Id raise such a hurricane about her ears that« Here he was interrupted by
Mr Hatchway who thrusting his head towards the door in the attitude of one
that listens cried »Ahey theres your spouse come to pay us a visit«
Trunnions features that instant adopted a new disposition fear and confusion
took possession of his countenance his voice from a tone of vociferation sunk
into a whisper of »Sure you must be mistaken Jack« and in great perplexity he
wiped off the sweat which had started on his forehead at this false alarm The
lieutenant having thus punished him for the rhodomontade he had uttered told
him with an arch sneer that he was deceived by the sound of the outward door
creaking upon its hinges which he mistook for Mrs Trunnions voice and
desired him to proceed with his admonitions to Mr Pickle It is not to be
denied that this arrogance was a little unseasonable in the commodore who was
in all respects as effectually subdued to the dominion of his wife as the
person whose submission he then ventured to condemn with this difference of
disposition Trunnions subjection was like that of a bear chequered with fits
of surliness and rage whereas Pickle bore the yoke like an ox without
repining No wonder then that this indolence this sluggishness this stagnation
of temper rendered Gamaliel incapable of withstanding the arguments and
importunity of his friends to which he at length surrendered acquiesced in the
justice of their observations and taking his son by the hand promised to
favour him for the future with his love and fatherly protection
But this laudable resolution did not last Mrs Pickle still dubious of his
constancy and jealous of his communication with the commodore never failed to
interrogate him every night about the conversation that happened at the club
and regulate her exhortations according to the intelligence she received He was
no sooner therefore safely conveyed to bed that academy in which all notable
wives communicate their lectures when her catechism began and she in a moment
perceived something reluctant and equivocal in her husbands answers Aroused at
this discovery she employed her influence and skill with such success that he
disclosed every circumstance of what had happened and after having sustained a
most severe rebuke for his simplicity and indiscretion humbled himself so far
as to promise that he would next day annul the condescensions he had made and
for ever renounce the ungracious object of her disgust This undertaking was
punctually performed in a letter to the commodore which she herself dictated in
these words
Sir
Whereas my goodnature being last night imposed upon I was
persuaded to countenance and promise I know not what to that vicious
youth whose parent I have the misfortune to be I desire you will take
notice that I revoke all such countenance and promises and shall never
look upon that man as my friend who will henceforth in such a cause
solicit
Sir yours etc
GAM PICKLE
Chapter XXIV
Trunnion is enraged at the Conduct of Pickle Peregrine resents the Injustice of
his Mother to whom he explains his Sentiments in a Letter Is entered at the
University of Oxford where he signalizes himself as a Youth of an enterprising
Genius
Unspeakable were the transports of rage to which Trunnion was incensed by this
absurd renunciation he tore the letter with his gums teeth he had none spit
with furious grimaces in token of the contempt he entertained for the author
whom he not only damned as a lousy scabby nasty scurvy sculking lubberly
noodle but resolved to challenge to single combat with fire and sword but he
was dissuaded from this violent measure and appeased by the intervention and
advice of the lieutenant and Mr Jolter who represented the message as the
effect of the poor mans infirmity for which he was rather an object of pity
than of resentment and turned the stream of his indignation against the wife
whom he reviled accordingly Nor did Peregrine himself bear with patience this
injurious declaration the nature of which he no sooner understood from
Hatchway than equally shocked and exasperated he retired to his apartment and
in the first emotions of his ire produced the following epistle which was
immediately conveyed to his mother
Madam
Had nature formed me a bugbear to the sight and inspired me with a
soul as vicious as my body was detestable perhaps I might have enjoyed
particular marks of your affection and applause seeing you have
persecuted me with such unnatural aversion for no other visible reason
than that of my differing so widely in shape as well as disposition
from that deformed urchin who is the object of your tenderness and care
If those be the terms on which alone I can obtain your favour I pray
God you may never cease to hate
Mad am
Your most injured son
PEREGRINE PICKLE
This letter which nothing but his passion and inexperience could excuse had
such an effect upon his mother as may be easily conceived She was enraged to a
degree of frenzy against the writer though at the same time she considered the
whole as the production of Mrs Trunnions particular pique and represented it
to her husband as an insult that he was bound in honour to resent by breaking
off all correspondence with the commodore and his family This was a bitter pill
to Gamaliel who through a long course of years was so habituated to
Trunnions company that he could as easily have parted with a limb as have
relinquished the club all at once He therefore ventured to represent his own
incapacity to follow her advice and begged that he might at least be allowed to
drop the connexion gradually protesting that he would do his endeavour to give
her all manner of satisfaction
Mean while preparations were made for Peregrines departure to the
university and in a few weeks he set out in the seventeenth year of his age
accompanied by the same attendants who lived with him at Winchester after his
uncle had laid strong injunctions upon him to avoid the company of modest women
to mind his learning to let him hear of his welfare as often as he could spare
time to write and had settled his appointments at the rate of five hundred a
year including his governors salary which was one fifth part of the sum The
heart of our young gentleman dilated at the prospect of the figure he should
make with such an handsome annuity the management of which was left to his own
discretion and he amused his imagination with the most agreeable reveries
during his journey to Oxford which he performed in two days Here being
introduced to the head of the college to whom he had been recommended
accommodated with genteel apartments entered as gentleman commoner in the
books and provided with a judicious tutor instead of returning to the study of
Greek and Latin in which he thought himself already sufficiently instructed he
renewed his acquaintance with some of his old schoolfellows whom he found in
the same situation and was by them initiated in all the fashionable diversions
of the place
It was not long before he made himself remarkable for his spirit and humour
which were so acceptable to the bucks of the university that he was admitted as
a member of their corporation and in a very little time became the most
conspicuous personage of the whole fraternity not that he valued himself upon
his ability in smoaking the greatest number of pipes and drinking the largest
quantity of ale these were qualifications of too gross a nature to captivate
his refined ambition He piqued himself on his talent for raillery his genius
and taste his personal accomplishments and his success at intrigue nor were
his excursions confined to the small villages in the neighbourhood which are
commonly visited once a week by the students for the sake of carnal recreation
He kept his own horses traversed the whole country in parties of pleasure
attended all the races within fifty miles of Oxford and made frequent jaunts to
London where he used to lie incognito during the best part of many a term
The rules of the university were too severe to be observed by a youth of his
vivacity and therefore he became acquainted with the proctor by times But all
the checks he received were insufficient to moderate his career he frequented
taverns and coffeehouses committed midnight frolics in the streets insulted
all the sober and pacific class of his fellowstudents the tutors themselves
were not sacred from his ridicule he laughed at the magistrate and neglected
every particular of collegediscipline
In vain did they attempt to restrain his irregularities by the imposition of
fines he was liberal to profusion and therefore paid without reluctance
Thrice did he scale the windows of a tradesman with whose daughter he had an
affair of gallantry as often was he obliged to seek his safety by a precipitate
leap and one night would in all probability have fallen a sacrifice to an
ambuscade that was laid by the father had not his trusty squire Pipes
interposed in his behalf and manfully rescued him from the clubs of his
enemies
In the midst of these excesses Mr Jolter finding his admonitions
neglected and his influence utterly destroyed attempted to wean his pupil from
his extravagant courses by engaging his attention in some more laudable
pursuit With this view he introduced him into a club of politicians who
received him with great demonstrations of regard accommodated themselves more
than he could have expected to his jovial disposition and while they revolved
schemes for the reformation of the state drank with such devotion to the
accomplishment of their plans that before parting the cares of their patriotism
were quite overwhelmed
Peregrine though he could not approve of their doctrine resolved to attach
himself for some time to their company because he perceived ample subject for
his ridicule in the characters of these wrongheaded enthusiasts It was a
constant practice with them in their midnight consistories to swallow such
plentiful draughts of inspiration that their mysteries commonly ended like
those of the Bacchanalian Orgia and they were seldom capable of maintaining
that solemnity of decorum which by the nature of their functions most of them
were obliged to profess Now as Peregrines satirical disposition was never more
gratified than when he had an opportunity of exposing grave characters in
ridiculous attitudes he laid a mischievous snare for his new confederates
which took effect in this manner In one of their nocturnal deliberations he
promoted such a spirit of good fellowship by the agreeable sallies of his wit
which were purposely levelled against their political adversaries that by ten
oclock they were all ready to join in the most extravagant proposal that could
be made They had already broke their glasses in consequence of his suggestion
drank healths out of their shoes caps and the bottoms of the candlesticks that
stood before them sometimes standing with one foot on a chair and the knee
bent on the edge of the table and when they could no longer stand in that
posture setting their bare posteriors on the cold floor they huzzad
hollowed danced and sung and in short were elevated to such a pitch of
intoxication that when Peregrine proposed that they should burn their
perriwigs the hint was immediately approved and they executed the frolick as
one man their shoes and caps underwent the same fate by the same instigation
and in this trim he led them forth into the street where they resolved to
compel every body they should find to subscribe to their political creed and
pronounce the Shiboleth of their party In the atchievement of this enterprize
they met with more opposition than they expected they were encountered with
arguments which they could not well withstand the noses of some and eyes of
others in a very little time bore the marks of obstinate disputation and their
conductor having at length engaged the whole body in a fray with another
squadron which was pretty much in the same condition he very fairly gave them
the slip and slyly retreated to his apartment foreseeing that his companions
would soon be favoured with the notice of their superiors Nor was he deceived
in his prognostic the proctor going his round chanced to fall in with this
tumultuous uproar and interposing his authority found means to quiet the
disturbance and after having taken cognizance of their names dismissed the
rioters to their respective chambers not a little scandalized at the behaviour
of some among them whose business and duty it was to set far other examples to
the youth under their care and direction
About midnight Pipes who had orders to attend at a distance and keep an
eye upon Jolter brought home that unfortunate governor upon his back Peregrine
having beforehand secured his admittance into the college and among other
bruises he was found to have received a couple of contusions on his face which
next morning appeared in a black circle that surrounded each eye This was a
mortifying circumstance to a man of his character and deportment especially as
he had received a message from the proctor who desired to see him forthwith
With great humility and contrition he begged the advice of his pupil who being
used to amuse himself with painting assured Mr Jolter that he would cover
those signs of disgrace with a slight coat of fleshcolour so dextrously that
it would be almost impossible to distinguish the artificial from the natural
skin The rueful governor rather than expose such opprobrious tokens to the
observation and censure of the magistrate submitted to the expedient and
although his counsellor had overrated his own skill was persuaded to confide in
the disguise and actually attended the proctor with such a staring addition to
the natural ghastliness of his features that his visage bore a very apt
resemblance to some of those ferocious countenances that hang over the doors of
certain taverns and alehouses under the denomination of the Saracens head
Such a remarkable alteration of phisiognomy could not escape the notice of
the most undiscerning beholder much less the penetrating eye of this severe
judge already whetted with what he had seen overnight He was therefore
upbraided with his ridiculous and shallow artifice and together with the
companions of his debauch underwent such a cutting reprimand for the scandalous
irregularity of his conduct that all of them remained crestfallen and were
ashamed for many weeks to appear in the publick execution of their duty
Peregrine was too vain of his finesse to conceal the part he acted in this
comedy with the particulars of which he regaled his companions and thereby
intailed upon himself the hate and resentment of the community whose maxims and
practices he had disclosed for he was considered as a spy who had intruded
himself into their society with a view of betraying it or at best an apostate
and renegado from the faith and principles which he had professed
Chapter XXV
He is insulted by his Tutor whom he lampoons makes considerable Progress in
polite Literature and in an Excursion to Windsor meets with Emilia by Accident
and is very coldly received
Among those who suffered by his craft and infidelity was Mr Jumble his own
tutor who could not at all digest the mortifying affront he had received and
was resolved to be revenged on the insulting author With this view he watched
the conduct of Mr Pickle with the utmost rancour of vigilance and let slip no
opportunity of treating him with disrespect which he knew the disposition of
his pupil could less brook than any other severity it was in his power to
exercise
Peregrine had been several mornings absent from chapel and as Mr Jumble
never failed to question him in a very peremptory stile about his
nonattendance he invented some very plausible excuses but at length his
ingenuity was exhausted he received a very galling rebuke for his profligacy of
morals and that he might feel it the more sensibly was ordered by way of
exercise to compose a paraphrase in English verse upon these two lines in
Virgil
Vane ligur frustraque animis elate superbis
Necquicquam patrias tentasti lubricus artes
The imposition of this invidious theme had all the desired effect upon
Peregrine who not only considered it as a piece of unmannerly abuse levelled
against his own conduct but also as a retrospective insult on the memory of his
grandfather who as he had been informed was in his lifetime more noted for
his cunning than candour in trade
Exasperated at this instance of the pedants audacity he had well nigh in
his first transports taken corporal satisfaction on the spot but foreseeing
the troublesome consequences that would attend such a flagrant outrage against
the laws of the university he checked his indignation and resolved to revenge
the injury in a more cool and contemptuous manner Thus determined he set on
foot an inquiry into the particulars of Jumbles parentage and education and
learnt that the father of this insolent tutor was a bricklayer and that his
mother sold pies and that the son at different periods of his youth had
amused himself in both occupations before he converted his views to the study
of learning Fraught with this intelligence he composed the following ballad in
doggerel rhymes and next day presented it as a gloss upon the text which the
tutor had chosen
I
Come listen ye students of evry degree
I sing of a wit and a tutor perdie
A statesman profound a critick immense
In short a meer jumble of learning and sense
And yet of his talents tho laudably vain
His own family arts he could never attain
II
His father intending his fortune to build
In his youth would have taught him the trowel to wield
But the mortar of discipline never would stick
For his skull was securd by a facing of brick
And with all his endeavours of patience and pain
The skill of his sire he could never attain
III
His mother an housewife neat artful and wise
Renownd for her delicate biscuit and pies
Soon alterd his studies by flattring his taste
From the raising of walls to the rearing of paste
But all her instructions were fruitless and vain
The pyemaking mystry he neer could attain
IV
Yet true to his race in his labours was seen
A jumble of both their professions I ween
For obliged to his own understanding to trust
His pies seemd of brick and his houses of crust
Then good Mr Tutor pray be not so vain
Since your family arts you could never attain
This impudent production was the most effectual vengeance he could have taken on
his tutor who had all the supercilious arrogance and ridiculous pride of a
lowborn pedant Instead of overlooking this petulant piece of satire with that
temper and decency of disdain that became a person of his gravity and station
he no sooner cast his eye over the performance than the blood rushed into his
countenance which immediately after exhibited a ghastly pale colour and with a
quivering lip he told his pupil that he was an impertinent jackanapes and he
would take care that he should be expelled from the university for having
presumed to write and deliver such a licentious and scurrilous libel Peregrine
answered with great resolution that when the provocation he had received should
be known he was persuaded that he should be acquitted by the opinion of all
impartial people and that he was ready to submit the whole to the decision of
the master
This arbitration he proposed because he knew the master and Jumble were at
variance and for that reason the tutor durst not venture to put the cause on
such an issue Nay when this reference was mentioned Jumble who was naturally
jealous suspected that Peregrine had a promise of protection before he
undertook to commit such an outrageous insult and this notion had such an
effect upon him that he resolved to devour his vexation and wait for a more
proper opportunity of gratifying his hate Mean while copies of the ballad were
distributed among the students who sung it under the very nose of Mr Jumble
to the tune of a Cobler there was etc and the triumph of our hero was
compleat Neither was his whole time devoted to the riotous extravagancies of
youth He enjoyed many lucid intervals during which he contracted a more
intimate acquaintance with the classicks applied himself to the reading of
history improved his taste for painting and musick in which he made some
progress and above all things cultivated the study of natural philosophy It
was generally after a course of close attention to some of these arts and
sciences that his disposition broke out into those irregularities and wild
sallies of a luxuriant imagination for which he became so remarkable and he
was perhaps the only young man in Oxford who at the same time maintained an
intimate and friendly intercourse with the most unthinking as well as with the
most sedate students at the university
It is not to be supposed that a young man of Peregrines vanity
inexperience and profusion could suit his expence to his allowance liberal as
it was for he was not one of those fortunate people who are born oeconomists
and knew not the art of withholding his purse when he saw his companion in
difficulty thus naturally generous and expensive he squandered away his money
and made a most splendid appearance upon the receipt of his quarterly
appointment but long before the third month was elapsed his finances were
consumed and as he could not stoop to ask an extraordinary supply was too
proud to borrow and too haughty to run in debt with tradesmen he devoted those
periods of poverty to the prosecution of his studies and shone forth again at
the revolution of quarter day
In one of these irruptions he and some of his companions went to Windsor in
order to see the royal apartments in the castle whither they repaired in the
afternoon and as Peregrine stood contemplating the picture of Hercules and
Omphale one of his fellowstudents whispered in his ear »Zds Pickle there
are two fine girls« He turned instantly about and in one of them recognized
his almost forgotten Emilia her appearance acted upon his imagination like a
spark of fire that falls among gunpowder that passion which had lain dormant
for the space of two years flashed up in a moment and he was seized with an
universal trepidation She perceived and partook of his emotion for their
souls like unisons vibrated with the same impulse However she called her
pride and resentment to her aid and found resolution enough to retire from such
a dangerous scene Alarmed at her retreat he recollected all his assurance and
impelled by love which he could no longer resist followed her into the next
room where in the most disconcerted manner he accosted her with »Your humble
servant Miss Gauntlet« To which salutation she replied with an affectation of
indifference that did not however conceal her agitation »Your servant Sir«
and immediately extending her finger towards the picture of Duns Scotus which
is fixed over one of the doors asked her companion in a strange sort of
giggling tone if she did not think he looked like a conjurer Peregrine nettled
into spirits by this reception answered for the other lady »that it was an
easy matter to be a conjurer in those times when the simplicity of the age
assisted his divination but were he or Merlin himself to rise from the dead
now when such deceit and dissimulation prevail they would not be able to earn
their bread by the profession« » O Sir said she turning full upon him
without doubt they would adopt new maxims tis no disparagement in this
enlightened age for one to alter ones opinion« »No sure Madam replied the
youth with some precipitation provided the change be for the better« »and
should it happen otherwise retorted the nymph with a flirt of her fan
inconstancy will never want countenance from the practice of mankind« »True
Madam resumed our hero fixing his eyes upon her examples of levity are every
where to be met with« »O Lord Sir cried Emilia tossing her head youll
scarce ever find a fop without it« By this time his companion seeing him
engaged with one of the ladies entered into conversation with the other and in
order to favour his friends gallantry conducted her into the next apartment
on pretence of entertaining her with the sight of a remarkable piece of
painting
Peregrine laying hold on this opportunity of being alone with the object of
his love assumed a most seducing tenderness of look and heaving a profound
sigh asked if she had utterly discarded him from her remembrance Reddening at
this pathetic question which recalled the memory of the imagined slight he had
put upon her she answered in great confusion »Sir I believe I once had the
pleasure of seeing you at a ball in Winchester« »Miss Emilia said he very
gravely will you be so candid as to tell me what misbehaviour of mine you are
pleased to punish by restricting your remembrance to that single occasion«
»Mr Pickle she replied in the same tone it is neither my province nor
inclination to judge your conduct and therefore you misapply your question when
you ask such an explanation of me« »At least resumed our lover give me the
melancholy satisfaction to know for what offence of my committing you refused to
take the least notice of that letter which I had the honour to write from
Winchester by your own express permission« »Your letter said Miss with great
vivacity neither required nor in my opinion deserved an answer and to be
free with you Mr Pickle it was but a shallow artifice to rid yourself of a
correspondence you had deigned to sollicit« Peregrine confounded at this
repartee replied that howsoever he might have failed in point of elegance or
discretion he was sure he had not been deficient in expressions of respect and
devotion for those charms which it was his pride to adore »As for the verses
said he I own they were unworthy of the theme but I flattered myself that
they would have merited your acceptance though not your approbation and been
considered not so much as the proof of my genius as the genuine effusion of my
love« »Verses cried Emilia with an air of astonishment what verses I really
dont understand you« The young gentleman was thunderstruck at this
exclamation to which after a long pause he answered »I begin to suspect and
heartily wish it may appear that we have misunderstood each other from the
beginning Pray Miss Gauntlet did not you find a copy of verses inclosed in
that unfortunate letter« »Truly Sir said the lady I am not so much of a
connoiseur as to distinguish whether that facetious production which you merrily
stile an unfortunate letter was composed in verse or prose but methinks the
jest is a little too stale to be brought upon the carpet again« So saying she
tripped away to her companion and left her lover in a most tumultuous suspence
He now perceived that her neglect of his addresses when he was at Winchester
must have been owing to some mystery which he could not comprehend and she
began to suspect and to hope that the letter which she received was spurious
though she could not conceive how that could possibly happen as it had been
delivered to her by the hands of his own servant
However she resolved to leave the task of unravelling the affair to him
who she knew would infallibly exert himself for his own as well as her
satisfaction She was not deceived in her opinion he went up to her again at
the staircase and as they were unprovided with a male attendant insisted upon
squiring the ladies to their lodgings Emilia saw his drift which was no other
than to know where she lived and though she approved of his finesse thought it
was incumbent upon her for the support of her own dignity to decline his
civility she therefore thanked him for his polite offer but would by no means
consent to his giving himself such unnecessary trouble especially as they had a
very little way to walk He was not repulsed by this refusal the nature of
which he perfectly understood nor was she sorry to see him persevere in his
determination he therefore accompanied them in their return and made divers
efforts to speak with Emilia in particular but she had a spice of the coquette
in her disposition and being determined to whet his impatience artfully
baffled all his endeavours by keeping her companion continually engaged in the
conversation which turned upon the venerable appearance and imperial situation
of the place Thus tantalized he lounged with them to the door of the house in
which they lodged when his mistress perceiving by the countenance of her
comrade that she was on the point of desiring him to walk in checked her
intention with a frown then turning to Mr Pickle dropped him a very formal
curtsey seized the other young lady by the arm and saying »Come cousin
Sophy« vanished in a moment
Chapter XXVI
After sundry unsuccessful Efforts he finds Means to come to an Explanation with
his Mistress and a Reconciliation ensues
Peregrine disconcerted at their sudden disappearance stood for some minutes
gaping in the street before he could get the better of his surprize and then
deliberated with himself whether he should demand immediate admittance to his
mistress or choose some other method of application Piqued at her abrupt
behaviour though pleased with her spirit he set his invention to work in
order to contrive some means of seeing her and in a fit of musing arrived at
the inn where he found his companions whom he had left at the Castlegate They
had already made inquiry about the ladies in consequence of which he learnt
that Miss Sophy was daughter of a gentleman in town to whom his mistress was
related that an intimate friendship subsisted between the two young ladies
that Emilia had lived about a month with her cousin and appeared at the last
assembly where she was universally admired and that several young gentlemen of
fortune had since that time teized her with addresses
Our heros ambition was flattered and his passion inflamed with this
intelligence and he swore within himself that he would not quit the spot until
he should have obtained an indisputed victory over all his rivals
That same evening he composed a most eloquent epistle in which he earnestly
intreated that she would favour him with an opportunity of vindicating his
conduct but she would neither receive his billet nor see his messenger Baulked
in this effort he inclosed it in a new cover directed by another hand and
ordered Pipes to ride next morning to London on purpose to deliver it at the
postoffice that coming by such conveyance she might have no suspicion of the
author and open it before she should be aware of the deceit
Three days he waited patiently for the effect of this stratagem and in the
afternoon of the fourth ventured to hazard a formal visit in quality of an old
acquaintance But here too he failed in his attempt she was indisposed and
could not see company These obstacles served only to increase his eagerness he
still adhered to his former resolution and his companions understanding his
determination left him next day to his own inventions Thus relinquished to his
own ideas he doubled his assiduity and practised every method his imagination
could suggest in order to promote his plan
Pipes was stationed all day long within sight of her door that he might be
able to give his master an account of her motions but she never went abroad
except to visit in the neighbourhood and was always housed before Peregrine
could be apprized of her appearance He went to church with a view of attracting
her notice and humbled his deportment before her but she was so mischievously
devout as to look at nothing but her book so that he was not favoured with one
glance of regard He frequented the coffeehouse and attempted to contract an
acquaintance with Miss Sophys father who he hoped would invite him to his
house but this expectation was also defeated That prudent gentleman looked
upon him as one of those forward fortunehunters who go about the country
seeking whom they may devour and warily discouraged all his advances Chagrined
by so many unsuccessful endeavours he began to despair of accomplishing his
aim and as the last suggestion of his art paid off his lodging took horse at
noon and departed in all appearance for the place from whence he had come He
rode however but a few miles and in the dusk of the evening returned unseen
alighted at another inn ordered Pipes to stay within doors and keeping himself
incognito employed another person as a centinel upon Emilia
It was not long before he reaped the fruits of his ingenuity Next day in
the afternoon he was informed by his spy that the two young ladies were gone to
walk in the park whither he followed them on the instant fully determined to
come to an explanation with his mistress even in presence of her friend who
might possibly be prevailed upon to interest herself in his behalf
When he saw them at such a distance that they could not return to town
before he should have an opportunity of putting his resolution in practice he
mended his pace and found means to appear before them so suddenly that Emilia
could not help expressing her surprize in a scream Our lover putting on a mein
of humility and mortification begged to know if her resentment was implacable
and asked why she had so cruelly refused to grant him the common privilege that
every criminal enjoyed »Dear Miss Sophy said he addressing himself to her
companion give me leave to implore your intercession with your cousin I am
sure you have humanity enough to espouse my cause did you but know the justice
of it and I flatter myself that by your kind interposition I may be able to
rectify that fatal misunderstanding which hath made me wretched« »Sir said
Sophy you appear like a gentleman and I doubt not but your behaviour has been
always suitable to your appearance but you must excuse me from undertaking any
such office in behalf of a person whom I have not the honour to know« »Madam
answered Peregrine I hope Miss Emy will justify my pretensions to that
character notwithstanding the mystery of her displeasure which upon my honour
I cannot for my soul explain« »Lord Mr Pickle said Emilia who had by this
time recollected herself I never questioned your gallantry and taste but I am
resolved that you shall never have cause to exercise your talents at my expence
so that you teize yourself and me to no purpose come Sophy let us walk home
again« »Good God madam cried the lover with great emotion why will you
distract me with such barbarous indifference Stay dear Emilia I conjure you
on my knees to stay and hear me by all that is sacred I was not to blame you
must have been imposed upon by some villain who envied my good fortune and took
some treacherous method to ruin my love«
Miss Sophy who possessed a large stock of good nature and to whom her
cousin had communicated the cause of her reserve seeing the young gentleman so
much affected with that disdain which she knew to be feigned laid hold on
Emilias sleeve saying with a smile »Not quite so fast Emily I begin to
perceive that this is a lovequarrel and therefore there may be hopes of a
reconciliation for I suppose both parties are open to conviction« »For my own
part cried Peregrine with great eagerness I appeal to Miss Sophys decision
But why do I say appeal Tho I am conscious of having committed no offence I
am ready to submit to any penance let it be never so rigorous that my fair
enslaver herself shall impose provided it will intitle me to her favour and
forgiveness at last« Emily well nigh overcome by this declaration told him
that as she taxed him with no guilt she expected no attonement and pressed her
companion to return into town But Sophy who was too indulgent to her friends
real inclination to comply with her request observed that the gentleman seemed
so reasonable in his concessions she began to think her cousin was in the
wrong and felt herself disposed to act as umpire in the dispute
Overjoyed at this condescension Mr Pickle thanked her in the most
rapturous terms and in the transport of his expectation kissed the hand of his
kind mediatrix a circumstance which had a remarkable effect on the countenance
of Emilia who did not seem to relish the warmth of his acknowledgement
After many supplications on one hand and pressing remonstrances on the
other she yielded at length and turning to her lover while her face was
overspread with blushes »Well Sir said she supposing I were to put the
difference on that issue how could you excuse the ridiculous letter which you
sent to me from Winchester« This expostulation introduced a discussion of the
whole affair in which all the circumstances were canvassed and Emilia still
affirmed with great heat that the letter must have been calculated to affront
her for she could not suppose the author was so weak as to design it for any
other purpose
Peregrine who still retained in his memory the substance of this unlucky
epistle as well as the verses which were inclosed could recollect no
particular expression which could have justly given the least umbrage and
therefore in the agonies of perplexity begged that the whole might be submitted
to the judgment of Miss Sophy and faithfully promised to stand to her award
In short this proposal was with seeming reluctance embraced by Emilia and
an appointment made to meet next day in the same place whither both parties
were desired to come provided with their credentials according to which
definitive sentence would be pronounced
Our lover having succeeded thus far overwhelmed Sophy with acknowledgments
on account of her generous mediation and in the course of their walk which
Emilia was now in no hurry to conclude whispered a great many tender
protestations in the ear of his mistress who nevertheless continued to act
upon the reserve until her doubts should be more fully resolved
Mr Pickle having found means to amuse them in the fields till the twilight
was obliged to wish them good even after having obtained a solemn repetition of
their promise to meet him at the appointed time and place and then retreated to
his apartment where he spent the whole night in various conjectures on the
subject of this letter the gordian knot of which he could by no means untie
One while he imagined that some wag had played a trick upon his messenger
in consequence of which Emilia had received a supposititious letter but upon
further reflection he could not conceive the practicability of any such deceit
Then he began to doubt the sincerity of his mistress who perhaps had only
made that an handle for discarding him at the request of some favoured rival
but his own integrity forbad him to harbour this mean suspicion and therefore
he was again involved in the labyrinth of perplexity Next day he waited on the
rack of impatience for the hour of five in the afternoon which no sooner
struck than he ordered Pipes to attend him in case there should be occasion
for his evidence and repaired to the place of rendezvous where he had not
tarried five minutes before the ladies appeared Mutual compliments being
passed and the attendant stationed at a convenient distance Peregrine
persuaded them to sit down upon the grass under the shade of a spreading oak
that they might be more at their ease while he stretched himself at their feet
and desired that the paper on which his doom depended might be examined It was
accordingly put into the hand of his fair arbitress who read it immediately
with an audible voice The first two words of it were no sooner pronounced than
he started with great emotion and raised himself upon his hand and knee in
which posture he listened to the rest of the sentence and then sprung upon his
feet in the utmost astonishment and glowing with resentment at the same time
exclaimed »Hell and the devil whats all that Sure you make a jest of me
madam« »Pray Sir said Sophy give me the hearing for a few moments and then
urge what you shall think proper in your own defence« Having thus cautioned
him she proceeded but before she had finished one half of the performance her
gravity forsook her and she was seized with a violent fit of laughter in which
neither of the lovers could help joining notwithstanding the resentment which
at that instant prevailed in the breasts of both The judge however in a
little time resumed her solemnity and having read the remaining part of this
curious epistle all three continued staring at each other alternately for the
space of half a minute and then broke forth at the same instant in another
paroxism of mirth From this unanimous convulsion one would have thought that
both parties were extremely well pleased with the joke yet this was by no means
the case
Emilia imagined that notwithstanding his affected surprize her lover in
spite of himself had renewed the laugh at her expence and in so doing
applauded his own unmannerly ridicule This supposition could not fail of
raising and reviving her indignation while Peregrine highly resented the
indignity with which he supposed himself treated in their attempting to make
him the dupe of such a gross and ludicrous artifice This being the situation of
their thoughts their mirth was succeeded by a mutual gloominess of aspect and
the judge addressing herself to Mr Pickle asked if he had any thing to offer
why sentence should not be pronounced »Madam answered the culprit I am sorry
to find myself so low in the opinion of your cousin as to be thought capable of
being deceived by such a shallow contrivance« »Nay Sir said Emily the
contrivance is your own and I cannot help admiring your confidence in imputing
it to me« »Upon my honour Miss Emily resumed our hero you wrong my
understanding as well as my love in accusing me of having written such a silly
impertinent performance the very appearance and address of it is so unlike the
letter which I did myself the honour to write that I dare say my man even at
this distance of time will remember the difference« So saying he extended his
voice and beckoned to Pipes who immediately drew near His mistress seemed to
object to the evidence by observing that to be sure Mr Pipes had his cue when
Peregrine begging she would spare him the mortification of considering him in
such a dishonourable light desired his valet to examine the outside of the
letter and recollect if it was the same which he had delivered to Miss Gauntlet
about two years ago Pipes having taken a superficial view of it pulled up his
breeches saying »Mayhap it is but we have made so many trips and been in so
many creeks and corners since that time that I cant pretend to be certain for
I neither keep journal nor logbook of our proceedings« Emilia commended him for
his candour at the same time darting a sarcastic look at his master as if she
thought he had tampered with his servants integrity in vain and Peregrine
began to rave and curse his fate for having subjected him to such mean
suspicion attesting heaven and earth in the most earnest manner that far from
having composed and conveyed that stupid production he had never seen it
before nor been privy to the least circumstance of the plan
Pipes now for the first time perceived the mischief which he had
occasioned and moved with the transports of his master for whom he had a most
inviolable attachment frankly declared he was ready to make oath that Mr
Pickle had no hand in the letter which he delivered All three were amazed at
this confession the meaning of which they could not comprehend and Peregrine
after some pause leaped upon Pipes and seizing him by the throat exclaimed in
an extasy of rage »Rascal tell me this instant what became of the letter I
intrusted to your care« The patient valet half strangled as he was squirted a
collection of tobacco juice out of one corner of his mouth and with great
deliberation replied »Why burnt it you wouldnt have me give the young woman a
thing that shook all in the wind in tatters would you« The ladies interposed
in behalf of the distressed squire from whom by dint of questions which he had
neither art nor inclination to evade they extorted an explanation of the whole
affair
Such ridiculous simplicity and innocence of intention appeared in the
composition of his expedient that even the remembrance of all the chagrin which
it had produced could not rouse their indignation or enable them to resist a
third eruption of laughter which they forthwith underwent
Pipes was dismissed with many menacing injunctions to beware of such
conduct for the future Emilia stood with a confusion of joy and tenderness in
her countenance Peregrines eyes kindled into rapture and when Miss Sophy
pronounced the sentence of reconciliation advanced to his mistress saying
»Truth is mighty and will prevail« then clasping her in his arms very
impudently ravished a kiss which she had not power to refuse Nay such was the
impulse of his joy that he took the same freedom with the lips of Sophy
calling her his kind mediatrix and guardian angel and behaved with such
extravagance of transport as plainly evinced the fervour and sincerity of his
love
I shall not pretend to repeat the tender protestations that were uttered on
one side or describe the bewitching glances of approbation with which they were
received on the other suffice it to say that the endearing intimacy of their
former connexion was instantly renewed and Sophy who congratulated them upon
the happy termination of their quarrel favoured with their mutual confidence
In consequence of this happy pacification they deliberated upon the means of
seeing each other often and as he could not without some previous introduction
visit her openly at the house of her relation they agreed to meet every
afternoon in the park till the next assembly at which he would solicit her as a
partner and she be unengaged in expectation of his request By this connexion
he would be intitled to visit her next day and thus an avowed correspondence
would of course commence This plan was actually put in execution and attended
with a circumstance which had well nigh produced some mischievous consequence
had not Peregrines good fortune been superior to his discretion
Chapter XXVII
He atchieves an Adventure at the Assembly and quarrels with his Governor
At the assembly were no fewer than three gentlemen of fortune who rivalled our
lover in his passion for Emilia and who had severally begged the honour of
dancing with her upon that occasion She had excused herself to each on
pretence of a slight indisposition that she foresaw would detain her from the
ball and desired they would provide themselves with other partners Obliged to
admit her excuse they accordingly followed her advice and after they had
engaged themselves beyond the power of retracting had the mortification to see
her there unclaimed
They in their turns made up to her and expressed their surprize and concern
at finding her in the assembly unprovided after she had declined their
invitation but she told them that her cold had forsaken her since she had the
pleasure of seeing them and that she would rely upon accident for a partner
Just as she pronounced these words to the last of the three Peregrine advanced
as an utter stranger bowed with great respect told her he understood she was
disengaged and would think himself highly honoured in being accepted as her
partner for the night and had the good fortune to succeed in his application
As they were by far the handsomest and best accomplished couple in the room
they could not fail of attracting the notice and admiration of the spectators
which inflamed the jealousy of his three competitors who immediately entered
into a conspiracy against this gaudy stranger whom as their rival they
resolved to affront in publick Pursuant to the plan which they projected for
this purpose the first countrydance was no sooner concluded than one of them
with his partner took the place of Peregrine and his mistress contrary to the
regulations of the ball Our lover imputing this behaviour to inadvertency
informed the gentleman of his mistake and civilly desired he would rectify his
error The other told him in an imperious tone that he wanted none of his
advice and bad him mind his own affairs Peregrine answered with some warmth
and insisted upon his right a dispute commenced high words ensued in the
course of which our impetuous youth hearing himself reviled with the
appellation of scoundrel pulled off his antagonists periwig and flung it in
his face The ladies immediately shriekd the gentlemen interposed Emilia was
seized with a fit of trembling and conducted to her seat by her youthful
admirer who begged pardon for having discomposed her and vindicated what he
had done by representing the necessity he was under to resent the provocation
he had received
Though she could not help owning the justice of his plea she was not the
less concerned at the dangerous situation in which he had involved himself and
in the utmost consternation and anxiety insisted upon going directly home he
could not resist her importunities and her cousin being determined to accompany
her he escorted them to their lodgings where he wished them good night after
having in order to quiet their apprehensions protested that if his opponent
was satisfied he should never take any step towards the prosecution of the
quarrel Mean while the assemblyroom became a scene of tumult and uproar the
person who conceived himself injured seeing Peregrine retire struggled with
his companions who withheld him in order to pursue and take satisfaction of
our hero whom he loaded with terms of abuse and challenged to single combat
The director of the ball held a consultation with all the subscribers who
were present and it was determined by a majority of votes that the two
gentlemen who had occasioned the disturbance should be desired to withdraw
This resolution being signified to one of the parties then present he made some
difficulty of complying but was persuaded to submit by his two confederates
who accompanied him to the streetdoor where he was met by Peregrine on his
return to the assembly
This choleric gentleman who was a country squire no sooner saw his rival
than he began to brandish his cudgel in a menacing posture when our adventurous
youth stepping back with one foot laid his hand upon the hilt of his sword
which he drew half way out of the scabbard This attitude and the sight of the
blade which glittened by moonlight in his face checked in some sort the ardour
of his assailant who desired he would lay aside his toaster and take a bout
with him at equal arms Peregrine who was an expert cudgelplayer accepted the
invitation and exchanging weapons with Pipes who stood behind him put himself
in a posture of defence and received the attack of his adversary who struck at
random without either skill or oeconomy Pickle could have beaten the cudgel out
of his hand at the first blow but as in that case he would have been obliged in
honour to give immediate quarter he resolved to discipline his antagonist
without endeavouring to disable him until he should be heartily satisfied with
the vengeance he had taken With this view he returned the salute and raised
such a clatter about the squires pate that one who had heard without seeing
the application would have mistaken the sound for that of a saltbox in the
hand of a dextrous Merry Andrew belonging to one of the booths at Bartholomew
Fair Neither was this salutation confined to his head his shoulders arms
thighs ancles and ribs were visited with amazing rapidity while Tom Pipes
sounded the charge through his fist Peregrine tired with this exercise which
had almost bereft his enemy of sensation at last struck the decisive blow in
consequence of which the squires weapon flew out of his grasp and he allowed
our hero to be the better man Satisfied with this acknowledgment the victor
walked up stairs with such elevation of spirits and insolence of mein that no
body chose to intimate the resolution which had been taken in his absence and
having amused himself for some time in beholding the country dances he
retreated to his lodging where he indulged himself all night in the
contemplation of his own success
Next day in the forenoon he went to visit his partner and the gentleman at
whose house she lived having been informed of his family and condition
received him with great courtesy as the acquaintance of his cousin Gauntlet
and invited him to dinner that same day
Emilia was remarkably well pleased when she understood the issue of his
adventure which began to make some noise in town even though it deprived her
of a wealthy admirer for the squire having consulted an attorney about the
nature of the dispute in hopes of being able to prosecute Peregrine for an
assault and finding little encouragement to go to law resolved to pocket the
insult and injury he had undergone and to discontinue his addresses to her who
was the cause of both
Our lover being told by his mistress that she proposed to stay a fortnight
longer at Windsor determined to enjoy her company all that time and then to
give her a convoy to the house of her mother whom he longed to see In
consequence of this plan he every day contrived some fresh party of pleasure
for the ladies to whom he had by this time free access and intangled himself
so much in the snares of love that he seemed quite enchanted by Emilias
charms which were now indeed almost irresistible While he thus heedlessly
roved in the flowery paths of pleasure his governor at Oxford alarmed at the
unusual duration of his absence went to the young gentlemen who had accompanied
him in his excursion and very earnestly intreated them to tell him what they
knew concerning his pupil they accordingly gave him an account of the
rencounter that happened between Peregrine and Miss Emily Gauntlet in the
castle and mentioned circumstances sufficient to convince him that his charge
was very dangerously engaged
Far from having an authority over Peregrine Mr Jolter durst not even
disoblige him and therefore instead of writing to the commodore he took horse
immediately and that same night reached Windsor where he found his stray sheep
very much surprised at his unexpected arrival
The governor desiring to have some serious conversation with him they shut
themselves up in an apartment when Jolter with great solemnity communicated
the cause of his journey which was no other than his concern for his pupils
welfare and very gravely undertook to prove by mathematical demonstration that
this intrigue if further pursued would tend to the young gentlemans ruin and
disgrace This singular proposition raised the curiosity of Peregrine who
promised to yield all manner of attention and desired him to begin without
further preamble
The governor encouraged by this appearance of candour expressed his
satisfaction in finding him so open to conviction and told him he would proceed
upon geometrical principles Then hemming thrice observed that no mathematical
inquiries could be carried on except upon certain data or concessions to
truths that were selfevident and therefore he must crave his assent to a few
axioms which he was sure Mr Pickle would see no reason to dispute »In the
first place then said he you will grant I hope that youth and discretion are
with respect to each other as two parallel lines which though infinitely
produced remain still equidistant and will never coincide then you must
allow that passion acts upon the human mind in a ratio compounded of the
acuteness of sense and constitutional heat and thirdly you will not deny that
the angle of remorse is equal to that of precipitation These postulata being
admitted added he taking paper pen and ink and drawing a parallelogram let
youth be represented by the right line a b and discretion by another right
line c d parallel to the former Compleat the parallelogram a b c d and
let the point of intersection b represent perdition Let passion represented
under the letter c have a motion in the direction c a At the same time let
another motion be communicated to it in the direction c d it will proceed in
the diagonal c b and describe it in the same time that it would have described
the side c a by the first motion or the side c d by the second To
understand the demonstration of this corollary we must premise this obvious
principle that when a body is acted upon by a motion or power parallel to a
right line given in position this power or motion has no effect to cause the
body to approach towards that line or recede from it but to move in a line
parallel to a right line only as appears from the second law of motion
therefore c a being parallel to d b«
His pupil having listened to him thus far could contain himself no longer
but interrupted the investigation with a loud laugh and told him that his
postulata put him in mind of a certain learned and ingenious gentleman who
undertook to disprove the existence of natural evil and asked no other datum on
which to found his demonstration but an acknowledgment that every thing that
is is right »You may therefore said he in a peremptory tone spare yourself
the trouble of torturing your invention for after all I am pretty certain
that I shall want capacity to comprehend the discussion of your lemma and
consequently be obliged to refuse my assent to your deduction«
Mr Jolter was disconcerted at this declaration and so much offended at
Peregrines disrespect that he could not help expressing his displeasure by
telling him flatly that he was too violent and headstrong to be reclaimed by
reason and gentle means that he the tutor must be obliged in the discharge of
his duty and conscience to inform the commodore of his nephews imprudence
that if the laws of this realm were effectual they would take cognizance of the
gipsy who had led him astray and observed by way of contrast that if such a
preposterous intrigue had happened in France she would have been clapt up in a
convent two years ago
Our lovers eyes kindled with indignation when he heard his mistress
treated with such irreverence he could scarce refrain from inflicting manual
chastisement on the blasphemer whom he reproached in his wrath as an arrogant
pedant without either delicacy or sense and cautioned him against using any
such impertinent freedoms with his affairs for the future on pain of incurring
more severe effects of his resentment
Mr Jolter who entertained very high notions of that veneration to which he
thought himself intitled by his character and qualifications had not bore
without repining his want of influence and authority over his pupil against
whom he cherished a particular grudge ever since the adventure of the painted
eye and therefore on this occasion his politic forbearance had been overcome
by the accumulated motives of his disgust Indeed he would have resigned his
charge with disdain had not he been encouraged to persevere by the hopes of a
good living which Trunnion had in his gift or known how to dispose of himself
for the present to better advantage
Chapter XXVIII
He receives a Letter from his Aunt breaks with the Commodore and disobliges
the Lieutenant who nevertheless undertakes his Cause
Mean while he quitted the youth in high dudgeon and that same evening
dispatched a letter for Mrs Trunnion which was dictated by the first
transports of his passion and of course replete with severe animadversions on
the misconduct of his pupil
In consequence of this complaint it was not long before Peregrine received
an epistle from his aunt wherein she commemorated all the circumstances of the
commodores benevolence towards him when he was helpless and forlorn deserted
and abandoned by his own parents upbraided him for his misbehaviour and neglect
of his tutors advice and insisted upon his breaking off all intercourse with
that girl who had seduced his youth as he valued the continuance of her
affection and her husbands regard
As our lovers own ideas of generosity were extremely refined he was
shocked at the indelicate insinuations of Mrs Trunnion and felt all the pangs
of an ingenuous mind that labours under obligations to a person whom it
contemns far from obeying her injunction or humbling himself by a submissive
answer to her reprehension his resentment buoyed him up above every selfish
consideration he resolved to attach himself to Emilia if possible more than
ever and although he was tempted to punish the officiousness of Jolter by
recriminating upon his life and conversation he generously withstood the
impulse of his passion because he knew that his governor had no other
dependance than the good opinion of the commodore He could not however digest
in silence the severe expostulations of his aunt to which he replied by the
following letter addressed to her husband
Sir
Tho my temper could never stoop to offer nor I believe your
disposition deign to receive that gross incense which the illiberal only
expect and none but the baseminded condescend to pay my sentiments
have always done justice to your generosity and my intention
scrupulously adhered to the dictates of my duty Conscious of this
integrity of heart I cannot but severely feel your ladys unkind I
will not call it ungenerous recapitulation of the favours I have
received and as I take it for granted that you knew and approved of
her letter I must beg leave to assure you that far from being swayed
by menaces and reproach I am determined to embrace the most abject
extremity of fortune rather than submit to such dishonourable
compulsion When I am treated in a more delicate and respectful mann er
I hope I shall behave as becomes
SIR
Your obliged
P PICKLE
The commodore who did not understand those nice distinctions of behaviour and
dreaded the consequence of Peregrines amour against which he was strangely
prepossessed was exasperated at the insolence and obstinacy of this adopted
son to whose epistle he wrote the following answer which was transmitted by
the hands of Hatchway who had orders to bring the delinquent along with him to
the garrison
Heark ye child
You need not bring your fine speeches to bear upon me You only
expend your ammunition to no purpose Your aunt told you nothing but
truth for it is always fair and honest to be above board dye see I
am informed as how you are in chace of a painted galley which will
decoy you upon the flats of destruction unless you keep a better
lookout and a surer reckoning than you have hitherto done and I have
sent Jack Hatchway to see how the land lies and warn you of your
danger if so be as you will put about ship and let him steer you into
this harbour you shall meet with a safe birth and friendly reception
but if you refuse to alter your course you cannot expect any further
assistance from yours as you behave
HAWSER TRUNNION
Peregrine was equally piqued and disconcerted at the receit of this letter
which was quite different from what he had expected and declared in a resolute
tone to the lieutenant who brought it that he might return as soon as he
pleased for he was determined to consult his own inclination and remain for
some time longer where he was
Hatchway endeavoured to persuade him by all the arguments which his sagacity
and friendship could supply to shew a little more deference for the desire of
the old man who was by this time rendered fretful and peevish by the gout
which now hindered him from enjoying himself as usual and who might in his
passion take some step very much to the detriment of the young gentleman whom
he had hitherto considered as his own son Among other remonstrances Jack
observed that mayhap Peregrine had got under Emilias hatches and did not
choose to set her adrift and if that was the case he himself would take charge
of the vessel and see her cargo safely delivered for he had a respect for the
young woman and his needle pointed towards matrimony and as in all
probability she could not be much the worse for the wear he would make shift
to scud thro life with her under an easy sail
Our lover was deaf to all his admonitions and having thanked him for this
last instance of his complaisance repeated his resolution of adhering to his
first purpose Hatchway having profited so little by mild exhortations assumed
a more peremptory aspect and plainly told him he neither could nor would go
home without him so he had best make immediate preparation for the voyage
Peregrine made no other reply to this declaration than by a contemptuous
smile and rose from his seat in order to retire upon which the lieutenant
started up and posting himself by the door protested with some menacing
gestures that he would not suffer him to run ahead neither The other
incensed at his presumption in attempting to detain him by force tripped up his
wooden leg and laid him on his back in a moment then walked deliberately
towards the park in order to indulge his reflection which at that time teemed
with disagreeable thoughts He had not proceeded two hundred steps when he
heard something blowing and stamping behind him and looking back perceived the
lieutenant at his heels with rage and indignation in his countenance This
exasperated seaman impatient of the affront he had received and forgetting all
the circumstances of their former intimacy advanced with great eagerness to his
old friend saying »Look ye brother youre a saucy boy and if you was at
sea I would have your arse brought to the David for your disobedience but as
we are on shore you and I must crack a pistol at one another here is a brace
you shall take which you please«
Peregrine upon recollection was sorry for having been laid under the
necessity of disobliging honest Jack and very frankly asked his pardon for what
he had done But this condescension was misinterpreted by the other who refused
any other satisfaction but that which an officer ought to claim and with some
irreverent expressions asked if Perry was afraid of his bacon The youth
inflamed at this unjust insinuation darted a ferocious look at the challenger
told him he had paid but too much regard to his infirmities and bad him walk
forward to the park where he would soon convince him of his error if he
thought his concession proceeded from fear
About this time they were overtaken by Pipes who having heard the
lieutenants fall and seen him pocket his pistols suspected that there was a
quarrel in the case and followed him with a view of protecting his master
Peregrine seeing him arrive and guessing his intention assumed an air of
serenity and pretending that he had left his handkerchief at the inn ordered
his man to go thither and fetch it to him in the park where he would find them
at his return This command was twice repeated before Tom would take any other
notice of the message except by shaking his head but being urged with many
threats and curses to obedience he gave them to understand that he knew their
drift too well to trust them by themselves »As for you lieutenant Hatchway
said he I have been your shipmate and know you to be a sailor thats
enough and as for master I know him to be as good a man as ever stept betwixt
stem and stern whereby if you have any thing to say to him I am your man as
the saying is Heres my sapling and I dont value your crackers of a ropes
end« This oration the longest that ever Pipes was known to make he concluded
with a flourish of his cudgel and enforced with such determined refusals to
leave them that they found it impossible to bring the cause to mortal
arbitrement at that time and strolled about the park in profound silence
during which Hatchways indignation subsiding he all of a sudden thrust out
his hand as an advance to reconciliation which being cordially shaken by
Peregrine a general pacification ensued and was followed by a consultation
about the means of extricating the youth from his present perplexity Had his
disposition been like that of most other young men it would have been no
difficult task to overcome his difficulties but such was the obstinacy of his
pride that he deemed himself bound in honour to resent the letters he had
received and instead of submitting to the pleasure of the commodore expected
an acknowledgment from him without which he would listen to no terms of
accommodation »Had I been his own son said he I should have bore his reproof
and sued for forgiveness but knowing myself to be on the footing of an orphan
who depends entirely upon his benevolence I am jealous of every thing that can
be construed into disrespect and insist upon being treated with the most
punctual regard I shall now make application to my father who is obliged to
provide for me by the ties of nature as well as the laws of the land and if he
shall refuse to do me justice I can never want employment while men are
required for his majestys service«
The lieutenant alarmed at this intimation begged he would take no new
step until he should hear from him and that very evening set out for the
garison where he gave Trunnion an account of the miscarriage of his
negotiation told him how highly Peregrine was offended at the letter
communicated the young gentlemans sentiments and resolution and finally
assured him that unless he should think proper to ask pardon for the offence he
had committed he would in all appearance never more behold the face of his
godson
The old commodore was utterly confounded at this piece of intelligence he
had expected all the humility of obedience and contrition from the young man
and instead of that received nothing but the most indignant opposition and
even found himself in the predicament of an offender obliged to make atonement
or forfeit all correspondence with his favourite These insolent conditions at
first threw him into an agony of wrath and he vented execrations with such
rapidity that he left himself no time to breathe and had almost been
suffocated with his choler He inveighed bitterly against the ingratitude of
Peregrine whom he mentioned with many opprobrious epithets and swore that he
ought to be keelhauled for his presumption but when he began to reflect more
coolly upon the spirit of the young gentleman which had already manifested
itself on many occasions and listened to the suggestions of Hatchway whom he
had always considered as an oracle in his way his resentment abated and he
determined to take Perry into favour again this placability being not a little
facilitated by Jacks narrative of our heros intrepid behaviour at the
assembly as well as in the contest with him in the park But still this plaguy
amour occurred like a bugbear to his imagination for he held it as an
infallible maxim that woman was an eternal source of misery to man Indeed this
apothegm he seldom repeated since his marriage except in the company of a very
few intimates to whose secrecy and discretion he could trust Finding Jack
himself at a nonplus in the affair of Emilia he consulted Mrs Trunnion who
was equally surprised and offended when she understood that her letter did not
produce the desired effect and after having imputed the youths obstinacy to
his uncles unseasonable indulgence had recourse to the advice of the parson
who still with an eye to his friends advantage counselled them to send the
young gentleman on his travels in the course of which he would in all
probability forget the amusements of his greener years The proposal was
judicious and immediately approved when Trunnion going into his closet after
divers efforts produced the following billet with which Jack departed for
Windsor that same afternoon
My good lad
If I gave offence in my last letter Im sorry for it dye see I
thought it was the likeliest way to bring you up but in time to come
you shall have a larger swing of cable When you can spare time I shall
be glad if you will make a short trip and see y our aunt and him who
is
Yo ur loving godfather
and humble servant
HAWSER TRUNNION
PS If you want money you may draw upon me payable at sight
Chapter XXIX
He becomes Melancholy and Despondent is favoured with a condescending Letter
from his Uncle reconciles himself to his Governor and sets out with Emilia and
her Friend for Mrs Gauntlets House
Peregrine fortified as he was with pride and indignation did not fail to feel
the smarting suggestions of his present situation after having lived so long in
an affluent and imperious manner he could ill brook the thoughts of submitting
to the mortifying exigencies of life all the gaudy schemes of pomp and
pleasure which his luxuriant imagination had formed began to dissolve a train
of melancholy ideas took possession of his thoughts and the prospect of losing
Emilia was not the least part of his affliction Though he endeavoured to
suppress the chagrin that preyed upon his heart he could not conceal the
disturbance of his mind from the penetration of that amiable young lady who
sympathized with him in her heart though she could not give her tongue the
liberty of asking the cause of his disorder for notwithstanding all the ardour
of his addresses he never could obtain from her the declaration of a mutual
flame because tho he had hitherto treated her with the utmost reverence of
respect he had never once mentioned the final aim of his passion and however
honourable she supposed it to be she had discernment enough to foresee that
vanity or interest cooperating with the levity of youth might one day deprive
her of her lover and she was too proud to give him any handle of exulting at
her expence so that although he was received by her with the most
distinguished civility and even an intimacy of friendship all his
sollicitations could never extort from her an acknowledgment of love on the
contrary being of a gay disposition she sometimes coquetted with other
admirers that his attention thus whetted might never abate and that he might
see she had other resources in case he should flagg in his affection
This being the prudential plan on which she acted it cannot be supposed
that she would condescend to inquire into the state of his thoughts when she
saw him thus affected but she nevertheless imposed that task on her cousin
and confidante who as they walked together in the park observed that he
seemed to be out of humour When this is the case such a question generally
increases the disease at least it had that effect upon Peregrine who replied
somewhat peevishly »I assure you Madam you never was more mistaken in your
observations« »I think so too said Emilia for I never saw Mr Pickle in
higher spirits« This ironical encomium compleated his confusion he affected to
smile but it was a smile of anguish and in his heart cursed the vivacity of
both He could not for his soul recollect himself so as to utter one connected
sentence and the suspicion that they observed every circumstance of his
behaviour threw such a damp on his spirits that he was quite overwhelmed with
shame and resentment when Sophy casting her eyes towards the gate said
»Yonder is your servant Mr Pickle with another man who seems to have a wooden
leg« Peregrine started at this intelligence and immediately underwent sundry
changes of complexion knowing that his fate in a great measure depended upon
the information he would receive from his friend
Hatchway advancing to the company after a brace of seabows to the ladies
took the youth aside and put the commodores letter into his hand which threw
him into such an agitation that he could scarce pronounce »Ladies will you
give me leave« And when in consequence of their permission he attempted to
open the billet he fumbled with such manifest disorder that his mistress who
watched his motions began to think there was something very interesting in the
message and so much was she affected with his concern that she was fain to
turn her head another way and wipe the tears from her lovely eyes
Mean while Peregrine no sooner read the first sentence than his
countenance which before was overcast with a deep gloom began to be lighted
up and every feature unbending by degrees he recovered his serenity and
having perused the letter his eyes sparkling with joy and gratitude he hugged
the lieutenant in his arms and presented him to the ladies as one of his best
friends Jack met with a most gracious reception and shook Emilia by the hand
telling her with the familiar appellation of old acquaintance that he did not
care how soon he was master of such another cleangoing frigate as herself
The whole company partook of this favourable change that evidently appeared
in our lovers recollection and enlivened his conversation with such an
uncommon flow of sprightliness and good humour as even made an impression on
the iron countenance of Pipes himself who actually smiled with satisfaction as
he walked behind them
The evening being pretty far advanced they directed their course homeward
and while the valet attended Hatchway to the inn Peregrine escorted the ladies
to their lodgings where he owned the justness of Sophys remark in saying he
was out of humour and told them he had been extremely chagrined at a difference
which happened between him and his uncle to whom by the letter which they had
seen him receive he now found himself happily reconciled
Having received their congratulations and declined staying to sup with
them on account of the longing desire he had to converse with his friend Jack
he took his leave and repaired to the inn where Hatchway informed him of every
thing that had happened in the garison upon his representations and far from
being disgusted he was perfectly well pleased with the prospect of going
abroad which flattered his vanity and ambition gratified his thirst after
knowledge and indulged that turn for observation for which he had been
remarkable from his most tender years neither did he believe a short absence
would tend to the prejudice of his love but on the contrary inhance the value
of his heart because he should return better accomplished and consequently a
more welcome offering to his mistress Elevated with these sentiments his heart
dilated with joy and the sluices of his natural benevolence being opened by
this happy turn of his affairs he sent his compliments to Mr Jolter to whom
he had not spoken during a whole week and desired he would favour Mr Hatchway
and him with his company at supper
The governor was not weak enough to decline this invitation in consequence
of which he forthwith appeared and was cordially welcomed by the relenting
pupil who expressed his sorrow for the misunderstanding which had prevailed
between them and assured him that for the future he would avoid giving him any
just cause of complaint Jolter who did not want affections was melted by this
acknowledgment which he could not have expected and earnestly protested that
his chief study had always been and ever should be to promote Mr Pickles
interest and happiness
The best part of the night being spent in the circulation of a chearful
glass the company broke up and next morning Peregrine went out with a view of
making his mistress acquainted with his uncles intention of sending him out of
the kingdom for his improvement and of saying every thing which he thought
necessary for the interest of his love He found her at breakfast with her
cousin and as he was very full of the subject of his visit had scarce fixed
himself in his seat when he brought it upon the carpet by asking with a smile
if the ladies had any commands for Paris Emilia at this question began to
stare and her confidante desired to know who was going thither He no sooner
gave them to understand that he himself intended in a short time to visit that
capital than his mistress with great precipitation wished him a good journey
and affected to talk with indifference about the pleasures he would enjoy in
France but when he seriously assured Sophy who asked if he was in earnest
that his uncle actually insisted upon his making a short tour than the tears
gushed in poor Emilias eyes and she was at great pains to conceal her concern
by observing that the tea was so scalding hot as to make her eyes water This
pretext was too thin to impose upon her lover or even deceive the observation
of her friend Sophy who after breakfast took an opportunity of quitting the
room
Thus left by themselves Peregrine imparted to her what he had learnt of the
commodores intention without however mentioning a syllable of his being
offended at their correspondence and accompanied his information with such
fervent vows of eternal constancy and solemn promises of a speedy return that
Emilys heart which had been invaded by a suspicion that this scheme of
travelling was the effect of her lovers inconstancy began to be more at ease
and she could not help signifying her approbation of his design
This affair being amicably compromised he asked how soon she proposed to
set out for her mothers house and understanding that her departure was fixed
for next day but one and that her cousin Sophy intended to accompany her in her
fathers chariot he repeated his intention of attending her and in the mean
time dismissed his governor and the lieutenant to the garison with his
compliments to his aunt and the commodore and a faithful promise of his being
with them in six days at farthest
These previous measures being taken he attended by Pipes set out with the
ladies and they had also a convoy for twelve miles from Sophys father who at
parting recommended them piously to the care of Peregrine with whom by this
time he was perfectly well acquainted
Chapter XXX
They meet with a dreadful Alarm on the Road arrive at their Journeys End
Peregrine is introduced to Emilys Brother these two young Gentlemen
misunderstand each other Pickle departs for the Garison
As they travelled at an easy rate they had performed something more than one
half of their journey when they were benighted near an inn at which they
resolved to lodge the accommodation was very good they supped together with
great mirth and enjoyment and it was not till after he had been warned by the
yawns of the ladies that he conducted them to their apartment and wishing them
good night retired to his own and went to rest
The house was crowded with country people who had been at a neighbouring
fair and now regaled themselves with ale and tobacco in the yard so that their
consideration which at any time was but slender being now overwhelmed by this
debauch they staggered in to their respective kennels and left a lighted
candle sticking to one of the wooden pillars that supported the gallery The
flame in a little time laid hold on the wood which was as dry as tinder and
the whole gallery was on fire when Peregrine suddenly waked and found himself
almost suffocated He sprung up in an instant slipped on his breeches and
throwing open the door of his chamber saw the whole entry in a blaze
Heavens what were the emotions of his soul when he beheld the volumes of
flame and smoke rolling towards the room where his dear Emilia lay Regardless
of his own danger he darted himself through the thickest of the gloom when
knocking hard and calling at the same time to the ladies with the most anxious
intreaty to be admitted the door was opened by Emilia in her shift who asked
with the utmost trepidation what was the matter He made no reply but
snatching her up in his arms like another Æneas bore her through the flames to
a place of safety where leaving her before she could recollect herself or
pronounce one word but »Alas my cousin Sophy« he flew back to the rescue of
that young lady and found her already delivered by Pipes who having been
alarmed by the smell of fire had got up rushed immediately to the chamber
where he knew these companions lodged and Emily being saved by her lover
brought off Miss Sophy with the loss of his own shockhead of hair which was
singed off in his retreat
By this time the whole inn was alarmed every lodger as well as servant
exerted himself in order to stop the progress of this calamity and there being
a well replenished horsepond in the yard in less than an hour the fire was
totally extinguished without having done any other damage than that of
consuming about two yards of the wooden gallery
All this time our young gentleman closely attended his fair charges each of
whom had swooned with apprehension but as their constitutions were good and
their spirits not easily dissipated when upon reflection they found themselves
and their company safe and that the flames were happily quenched the tumult of
their fears subsided they put on their cloaths recovered their good humour
and began to rally each other on the trim in which they had been secured Sophy
observed that now Mr Pickle had an indisputable claim to her cousins
affection and therefore she ought to lay aside all affected reserve for the
future and frankly avow the sentiments of her heart Emily retorted the
argument putting her in mind that by the same claim Mr Pipes was intitled to
the like return from her Her friend admitted the force of the conclusion
provided she could not find means of satisfying her deliverer in another shape
and turning to the valet who happened to be present asked if his heart was not
otherwise engaged Tom who did not conceive the meaning of the question stood
silent according to custom and the interrogation being repeated answered with
a grin »Heartwhole as a biscuit Ill assure you Mistress« »What said
Emilia have you never been in love Thomas« »Yes forsooth replied the
valet without hesitation sometimes of a morning« Peregrine could not help
laughing and his mistress looked a little disconcerted at this blunt repartee
while Sophy slipping a purse into his hand told him there was something to
purchase a periwig Tom having consulted his masters eyes refused the present
saying »No thank ye as much as if I did« And though she insisted upon his
putting it in his pocket as a small testimony of her gratitude he could not be
prevailed upon to avail himself of her generosity but following her to the
other end of the room thrust it into her sleeve without ceremony exclaiming
»Ill be damned to hell if I do« Peregrine having checked him for his boorish
behaviour sent him out of the room and begged that Miss Sophy would not
endeavour to debauch the morals of his servant who rough and uncultivated as he
was had sense enough to perceive that he had no pretension to any such
acknowledgment But she argued with great vehemence that she should never be
able to make an acknowledgment adequate to the service he had done her and that
she should never be perfectly easy in her own mind until she found some
opportunity of manifesting the sense she had of the obligation »I do not
pretend said she to reward Mr Pipes but I shall be absolutely unhappy
unless I am allowed to give him some token of my regard«
Peregrine thus earnestly sollicited desired that since she was bent upon
displaying her generosity she would not bestow upon him any pecuniary
gratification but honour him with some trinket as a mark of consideration
because he himself had such a particular value for the fellow on account of his
attachment and fidelity that he should be sorry to see him treated on the
footing of a common mercenary domestick
There was not one jewel in the possession of this grateful young lady that
she would not have gladly given as a recompence or badge of distinction to her
rescuer but his master pitched upon a sealring of no great value that hung at
her watch and Pipes being called in had permission to accept that testimony of
Miss Sophys favour Tom received it accordingly with sundry scrapes and having
kissed it with great devotion put it on his little finger and strutted off
extremely proud of his acquisition
Emilia with a most enchanting sweetness of aspect told her lover that he
had instructed her how to behave towards him and taking a diamond ring from her
finger desired he would wear it for her sake He received the pledge as became
him and presented another in exchange which she at first refused alledging
that it would destroy the intent of her acknowledgment but Peregrine assured
her he had accepted her jewel not as a proof of her gratitude but as the mark
of her love and that if she refused a mutual token he should look upon himself
as the object of her disdain Her eyes kindled and her cheeks glowed with
resentment at this impudent intimation which she considered as an unseasonable
insult and the young gentleman perceiving her emotion stood corrected for his
temerity and asked pardon for the liberty of his remonstrance which he hoped
she would ascribe to the prevalence of that principle alone which he had always
taken pride in avowing
Sophy seeing him disconcerted interposed in his behalf and chid her cousin
for having practised such unnecessary affectation upon which Emilia softened
into compliance held out her finger as a signal of her condescension Peregrine
put on the ring with great eagerness mumbled her soft white hand in an extasy
which would not allow him to confine his embraces to that limb but urged him to
seize her by the waist and snatch a delicious kiss from her lovepouting lips
nor would he leave her a butt to the ridicule of Sophy on whose mouth he
instantly committed a rape of the same nature so that the two friends
countenanced by each other reprehended him with such gentleness of rebuke that
he was almost tempted to repeat the offence
The morning being now lighted up and the servants of the inn on foot he
ordered some chocolate for breakfast and at the desire of the ladies sent Pipes
to see the horses fed and the chariot prepared while he went to the bar and
discharged the bill
These measures being taken they set out about five oclock and having
refreshed themselves and their cattle at another inn on the road during the
heat of the day they proceeded in the afternoon and without meeting with any
other accident safely arrived at the place of their destination where Mrs
Gauntlet expressed her joy at seeing her old friend Mr Pickle whom however
she kindly reproached for the long discontinuance of his regard Without
explaining the cause of that interruption he protested that his love and esteem
had never been discontinued and that for the future he should omit no occasion
of testifying how much he had her friendship at heart She then made him
acquainted with her son who at that time was in the house being excused from
his duty by furlow
This young man whose name was Godfrey was about the age of twenty of a
middling size vigorous make remarkably well shaped and the scars of the small
pox of which he bore a good number added a peculiar manliness to the air of
his countenance His capacity was good and his disposition naturally frank and
easy but he had been a soldier from his infancy and his education was
altogether in the military stile He looked upon taste and letters as meer
pedantry beneath the consideration of a gentleman and every civil station of
life as mean when compared with the profession of arms He had made great
progress in the gymnastic sciences of dancing fencing and riding played
perfectly well on the German flute and above all things valued himself upon a
scrupulous observance of all the points of honour
Had Peregrine and he considered themselves upon equal footing in all
probability they would have immediately entered into a league of intimacy and
friendship but this sufficient soldier looked upon his sisters admirer as a
young student raw from the university and utterly ignorant of mankind while
squire Pickle beheld Godfrey in the light of a needy volunteer greatly inferior
to himself in fortune as well as every other accomplishment This mutual
misunderstanding could not fail of producing animosities The very next day
after Peregrines arrival some sharp repartees passed between them in presence
of the ladies before whom each endeavoured to assert his own superiority In
these contests our hero never failed of obtaining the victory because his
genius was more acute and his talents better cultivated than those of his
antagonist who therefore took umbrage at his success became jealous of his
reputation and began to treat him with marks of scorn and disrespect
His sister saw and dreading the consequence of his ferocity not only took
him to task in private for his impolite behaviour but also intreated her lover
to make allowances for the roughness of her brothers education He kindly
assured her that whatever pains it might cost him to vanquish his own impetuous
temper he would for her sake endure all the mortifications to which her
brothers arrogance might expose him and after having stayed with her two days
and enjoyed several private interviews during which he acted the part of a most
passionate lover he took his leave of Mrs Gauntlet overnight and told the
young ladies he would call early next morning to bid them farewel He did not
neglect this piece of duty and found the two friends and breakfast already
prepared in the parlour All three being extremely affected with the thoughts of
parting a most pathetic silence for some time prevailed till Peregrine put an
end to it by lamenting his fate in being obliged to exile himself so long from
the dear object of his most interesting wish and begged with the most earnest
supplications that she would now in consideration of the cruel absence he must
suffer give him the consolation which she had hitherto refused namely that of
knowing he possessed a place within her heart The confidante seconded his
request representing that it was now no time to disguise her sentiments when
her lover was about to leave the kingdom and might be in danger of contracting
other connexions unless he was confirmed in his constancy by knowing how far
he could depend upon her love and in short she was plied with such
irresistible importunities that she answered in the utmost confusion »Tho I
have avoided literal acknowledgments methinks the circumstances of my behaviour
might have convinced Mr Pickle that I do not regard him as a common
acquaintance« »My charming Emily cried the impatient lover throwing himself
at her feet why will you deal out my happiness in such scanty portions Why
will you thus mince the declaration which would overwhelm me with pleasure and
chear my lonely reflection while I sigh amid the solitude of separation« His
fair mistress melted by this image replied with the tears gushing from her
eyes »Im afraid I shall feel that separation more severely than you imagine«
Transported at this flattering confession he pressed her to his breast and
while her head reclined upon his neck mingled his tears with hers in great
abundance and breathed the most tender vows of eternal fidelity The gentle
heart of Sophy could not bear this scene unmoved she wept with sympathy and
encouraged the lovers to resign themselves to the will of fate and support
their spirits with the hope of meeting again on happier terms Finally after
mutual promises exhortations and endearments Peregrine took his leave his
heart being so full that he could scarce pronounce the word »Adieu« and
mounting his horse at the door set out with Pipes for the garison
Chapter XXXI
Peregrine is overtaken by Mr Gauntlet with whom he fights a Duel and
contracts an intimate Friendship He arrives at the Garison and finds his
Mother as implacable as ever He is insulted by his Brother Gam whose Preceptor
he disciplines with a Horsewhip
In order to expel the melancholy images that took possession of his fancy at
parting from his mistress he called in the flattering ideas of those pleasures
he expected to enjoy in France and before he had rode ten miles his
imagination was effectually amused
While he thus prosecuted his travels by anticipation and indulged himself
in all the insolence of hope at the turning of a lane he was all of a sudden
overtaken by Emilias brother on horseback who told him he was riding the same
way and should be glad of his company
This young gentleman whether prompted by personal pique or actuated with
zeal for the honour of his family had followed our hero with a view of
obliging him to explain the nature of his attachment to his sister Peregrine
returned his compliment with such disdainful civility as gave him room to
believe that he suspected his errand and therefore without further preamble
he declared his business in these words »Mr Pickle you have carried on a
correspondence with my sister for some time and I should be glad to know the
nature of it« To this question our lover replied »Sir I should be glad to
know what title you have to demand that satisfaction« »Sir answered the
other I demand it in the capacity of a brother jealous of his own honour as
well as of his sisters reputation and if your intentions are honourable you
will not refuse it« »Sir said Peregrine I am not at present disposed to
appeal to your opinion for the rectitude of my intentions and I think you
assume a little too much importance in pretending to judge my conduct« »Sir
replied the soldier I pretend to judge the conduct of every man who interferes
with my concerns and even to chastise him if I think he acts amiss«
»Chastise cried the youth with indignation in his looks sure you dare not
apply that term to me« »You are mistaken said Godfrey I dare do any thing
that becomes the character of a gentleman« »Gentleman God wot replied the
other looking contemptuously at his equipage which was none of the most
superb a very pretty gentleman truly« The soldiers wrath was inflamed by
this ironical repetition the contempt of which his conscious poverty made him
feel and he called his antagonist presumptuous boy insolent upstart with
other epithets which Perry retorted with great bitterness and a formal
challenge having passed between them they alighted at the first inn and walked
into the next field in order to decide their quarrel by the sword Having
pitched upon the spot helped to pull off each others boots and laid aside
their coats and waistcoats Mr Gauntlet told his opponent that he himself was
looked upon in the army as an expert swordsman and that if Mr Pickle had not
made that science his particular study they should be upon a more equal footing
in using pistols Peregrine was too much incensed to thank him for his plain
dealing and too confident of his own skill to relish the others proposal
which he accordingly rejected and drawing his sword observed that were he to
treat Mr Gauntlet according to his deserts he would order his man to punish
his audacity with an horsewhip Exasperated at this expression which he
considered as an indelible affront he made no reply but attacked his adversary
with equal ferocity and address The youth parried his first and second thrust
but received the third in the outside of his sword arm Though the wound was
superficial he was transported with rage at sight of his own blood and
returned the assault with such fury and precipitation that Gauntlet loath to
take advantage of his unguarded heat stood upon the defensive and in the
second longe Peregrines weapon entering a kind of network in the shell of
Godfreys sword the blade snapped in two and left him at the mercy of the
soldier who far from making an insolent use of the victory he had gained put
up his Toledo with great deliberation like a man who had been used to that kind
of rencounters observed that such a blade as Peregrines was not to be trusted
with a mans life and advising the owner to treat a gentleman in distress with
more respect for the future slipped on his boots and with sullen dignity of
demeanour stalked back to the inn
Though Pickle was extremely mortified at his miscarriage in this adventure
he was also struck with the behaviour of his antagonist which affected him the
more as he understood that Godfreys fiertè had proceeded from the jealous
sensibility of a gentleman declined into the vale of misfortune Gauntlets
valour and moderation induced him to put a favourable construction on all those
circumstances of that young soldiers conduct which before had given him
disgust and though in any other case he would have industriously avoided the
least appearance of submission he followed his conqueror to the inn with a
view of thanking him for his generous forbearance and of solliciting his
friendship and correspondence
Godfrey had his foot in the stirrup to mount when Peregrine coming up to
him desired he would defer his departure for a quarter of an hour and favour
him with a little private conversation The soldier who mistook the meaning of
the request immediately quitted his horse and followed Pickle into a chamber
where he expected to find a brace of pistols loaded on the table but he was
very agreeably deceived when our hero in the most respectful terms
acknowledged his noble deportment in the field owned that till then he had
misunderstood his character and begged that he would honour him with his
intimacy and correspondence
Gauntlet who had seen undoubted proofs of Peregrines courage which had
considerably raised him in his esteem and had sense enough to perceive that
this concession was not owing to any sordid or sinister motive embraced his
offer with demonstrations of infinite satisfaction and when he understood the
terms on which Mr Pickle was with his sister proffered his service in his
turn either as agent mediator or confidant nay to give this new friend a
convincing proof of his sincerity he disclosed to him a passion which he had
for some time entertained for his cousin Miss Sophy though he durst not reveal
his sentiments to her father lest he should be offended at his presumption and
withdraw his protection from the family
Peregrines generous heart was wrung with anguish when he understood that
this young gentleman who was the only son of a distinguished officer had
carried arms for the space of five years without being able to obtain a
subalterns commission though he had always behaved with remarkable regularity
and spirit and acquired the friendship and esteem of all the officers under
whom he had served
He would at that time with the utmost pleasure have shared his finances
with him but as he would not run the risk of offending the young soldiers
delicacy of honour by a premature exertion of his liberality he resolved to
insinuate himself into an intimacy with him before he would venture to take
such freedoms and with that view pressed Mr Gauntlet to accompany him to the
garison where he did not doubt of having influence enough to make him a welcome
guest Godfrey thanked him very courteously for his invitation which he said he
could not immediately accept but promised if he would favour him with a letter
and fix the time at which he proposed to set out for France he would endeavour
to visit him at the commodores habitation and from thence give him a convoy to
Dover This new treaty being settled and a dossil of lint with a snip of
plaister applied to our adventurers wound he parted from the brother of his
dear Emilia to whom and his friend Sophy he sent his kindest wishes and having
lodged one night upon the road arrived next day in the afternoon at the
garison where he found all his friends in good health and overjoyed at his
return
The commodore who was by this time turned of seventy and altogether
crippled by the gout seldom went abroad and as his conversation was not very
entertaining had but little company within doors so that his spirits must have
quite stagnated had not they been kept in motion by the conversation of
Hatchway and received at different times an wholesome fillip from the
discipline of his spouse who by the force of pride religion and Coniac had
erected a most terrible tyranny in the house There was such a quick circulation
of domesticks in the family that every suit of livery had been worn by figures
of all dimensions Trunnion himself had long before this time yielded to the
torrent of her arbitrary sway though not without divers obstinate efforts to
maintain his liberty and now that he was disabled by his infirmities when he
used to hear his empress singing the loud Orthyan song among the servants below
he would often in whispers communicate to the lieutenant hints of what he would
do if so be he was not deprived of the use of his precious limbs Hatchway was
the only person whom the temper of Mrs Trunnion respected either because she
dreaded his ridicule or looked upon his person with the eyes of affection This
being the situation of things in the garison it is not to be doubted that the
old gentleman highly enjoyed the presence of Peregrine who found means to
ingratiate himself so effectually with his aunt that while he remained at home
she seemed to have exchanged the disposition of a tygress for that of a gentle
kid but he found his own mother as implacable and his father as much
henpecked as ever
Gamaliel who now very seldom enjoyed the conversation of his old friend the
commodore had some time ago entered into an amicable society consisting of the
barber apothecary attorney and exciseman of the parish among whom he used to
spend the evening at Tunleys and listen to their disputes upon philosophy and
politicks with great comfort and edification while his sovereign lady
domineered at home as usual visited with great pomp in the neighbourhood and
employed her chief care in the education of her darling son Gam who was now in
the fifteenth year of his age and so remarkable for his perverse disposition
that in spite of his mothers influence and authority he was not only hated
but also despised both at home and abroad She had put him under the tuition of
the curate who lived in the family and was obliged to attend him in all his
exercises and excursions This governor was a low bred fellow who had neither
experience nor ingenuity but possessed a large fund of adulation and servile
complaisance by which he had gained the good graces of Mrs Pickle and
presided over all her deliberations in the same manner as his superior managed
those of Mrs Trunnion
He had one day rode out to take the air with his pupil who as I have
already observed was odious to the poor people for having killed their dogs
and broken their inclosures and on account of his hump distinguished by the
title of my lord when in a narrow lane they chanced to meet Peregrine on
horseback
The young squire no sooner perceived his elder brother for whom he had been
instructed to entertain the most inveterate grudge than he resolved to insult
him en passant and actually rode against him full gallop Our hero guessing his
aim fixed himself in his stirrups and by a dexterous management of the reins
avoided the shock in such a manner as that their legs only should encounter by
which means my lord was tilted out of his saddle and in a twinkling laid
sprawling in the dirt The governor enraged at the disgrace of his charge
advanced with great insolence and fury and struck at Peregrine with his whip
Nothing could be more agreeable to our young gentleman than this assault which
furnished him with an opportunity of chastising an officious wretch whose
petulance and malice he had longed to punish He therefore spurring up his
horse towards his antagonist overthrew him in the middle of a hedge and before
he had time to recollect himself from the confusion of the fall alighted in a
trice and exercised his horsewhip with such agility about the curates face
and ears that he was fain to prostrate himself before his enraged conqueror
and implore his forbearance in the most abject terms While Peregrine was thus
employed his brother Gam had made shift to rise and attack him in the rear
for which reason when the tutor was quelled the victor faced about snatched
the weapon out of his hand and having broken it to pieces remounted his horse
and rode off without deigning to honour him with any other notice
The condition in which they returned produced infinite clamour against the
conqueror who was represented as a ruffian who had lain in ambush to make away
with his brother in whose defence the curate was said to have received those
cruel stripes that hindered him from appearing for three whole weeks in the
performance of his duty at church
Complaints were made to the commodore who having inquired into the
circumstances of the affair approved of what his nephew had done adding with
many oaths that provided Peregrine had been out of the scrape he wished
Crookback had broke his neck in the fall
Chapter XXXII
He projects a Plan of Revenge which is executed against the Curate
Our hero exasperated at the villainy of the curate in the treacherous
misrepresentation he had made of this rencounter determined to practise upon
him a method of revenge which should be not only effectual but also unattended
with any bad consequence to himself For this purpose he and Hatchway to whom
he imparted his plan went to the alehouse one evening and called for an empty
room knowing there was no other but that which they had chosen for the scene of
action This apartment was a sort of a parlour that fronted the kitchen with a
window towards the yard where after they had sat some time the lieutenant
found means to amuse the landlord in discourse while Peregrine stepping out
into the yard by the talent of mimickry which he possessed in a surprising
degree counterfeited a dialogue between the curate and Tunleys wife which
reaching the ears of the publican for whose hearing it was calculated inflamed
his naturally jealous disposition to such a degree that he could not conceal
his emotion but made an hundred efforts to quit the room while the lieutenant
smoaking his pipe with great gravity as if he neither heard what passed nor
took notice of the landlords disorder detained him on the spot by a succession
of questions which he could not refuse to answer though he stood sweating with
agony all the time stretching his neck every instant towards the window thro
which the voices were conveyed scratching his head and exhibiting sundry other
symptoms of impatience and agitation At length the supposed conversation came
to such a pitch of amorous complaisance that the husband quite frantic with
his imaginary disgrace rushed out at the door crying »Coming Sir« But as
he was obliged to make a circuit round one half of the house Peregrine had got
in by the window before Tunley arrived in the yard
According to the feigned intelligence he had received he ran directly to
the barn in expectation of making some very extraordinary discovery and having
employed some minutes in rummaging the straw to no purpose returned in a state
of distraction to the kitchen just as his wife chanced to enter at the other
door The circumstance of her appearance confirmed him in the opinion that the
deed was done but as the disease of being henpeckd was epidemic in the
parish he durst not express the least hint of his uneasiness to her but
resolved to take vengeance on the libidinous priest who he imagined had
corrupted the chastity of his spouse
The two confederates in order to be certified that their scheme had taken
effect as well as to blow up the flame which they had kindled called for
Tunley in whose countenance they could easily discern his confusion and
Peregrine desiring him to sit down and drink a glass with them began to
interrogate him about his family and among other things asked him how long he
had been married to that handsome wife This question which was put with an
arch significance of look alarmed the publican who began to fear that Pickle
had overheard his dishonour and this suspicion was not at all removed when the
lieutenant with a sly regard pronounced »Tunley want you noosed by the
curate« »Yes I was« replied the landlord with an eagerness and perplexity
of tone as if he thought the lieutenant knew that thereby hangs a tale and
Hatchway supported this suspicion by answering »Nay as for that matter the
curate may be a very sufficient man in his way« This transition from his wife
to the curate convinced him that his shame was known to his guests and in the
transport of his indignation he pronounced with great emphasis »A sufficient
man Odds heart I believe they are all wolves in sheeps cloathing I wish to
God I could see the day master when there shall not be a priest an exciseman
or a customhouse officer in this kingdom As for that fellow of a curate if I
do catch him It dont signify talking But by the Lord Gentlemen my
service to you«
The associates being satisfied by these abrupt insinuations that they had
so far succeeded in their aim waited with impatience two or three days in
expectation of hearing that Tunley had fallen upon some method of being revenged
for this imaginary wrong but finding that either his invention was too shallow
or his inclination too languid to gratify their desire of his own accord they
determined to bring the affair to such a crisis that he should not be able to
withstand the opportunity of executing his vengeance With this view they one
evening hired a boy to run to Mr Pickles house and tell the curate that Mrs
Tunley being taken suddenly ill her husband desired he would come immediately
and pray with her Mean while they had taken possession of a room in the house
and Hatchway engaging the landlord in conversation Peregrine in his return from
the yard observed as if by accident that the parson was gone into the kitchen
in order as he supposed to catechise Tunleys wife
The publican started at this intelligence and under pretence of serving
another company in the next room went out to the barn and arming himself with
a flail repaired to a lane thro which the curate was under a necessity of
passing in his way home There he lay in ambush with fell intent and when the
supposed author of his shame arrived greeted him in the dark with such a
salutation as forced him to stagger backward three paces at least If the
second application had taken effect in all probability that spot would have
been the boundary of the parsons mortal peregrination but luckily for him
his antagonist was not expert in the management of his weapon which by a twist
of the thong that connected the legs instead of pitching upon the head of the
astonished curate descended in an oblique direction on his own pate with such
a swing that the skull actually rung like an apothecarys mortar and ten
thousand lights seemed to dance before his eyes The curate recollecting himself
during the respite he obtained from this accident and believing his aggressor
to be some thief who lurked in that place for prey resolved to make a running
fight until he should arrive within cry of his habitation With this design he
raised up his cudgel for the defence of his head and betaking himself to his
heels began to roar for help with the lungs of a Stentor Tunley throwing away
the flail which he durst no longer trust with the execution of his revenge
pursued the fugitive with all the speed he could exert and the other either
unnervd by fear or stumbling over a stone was overtaken before he had run an
hundred paces He no sooner felt the wind of the publicans fist that whistled
round his ears than he fell flat upon the earth at full length and the cudgel
flew from his unclasping hand when Tunley springing like a tyger upon his back
rained such a shower of blows upon his carcase that he imagined himself under
the discipline of ten pair of fists at least yet the imaginary cuckold not
satisfied with annoying the priest in this manner laid hold on one of his ears
with his teeth and bit so unmercifully that the curate was found almost
intranced with pain by two labourers at whose approach the assailant retreated
unperceived
The lieutenant had posted himself at the window in order to see the
landlord at his first return and no sooner perceived him enter the yard than
he called him into the apartment impatient to learn the effects of their
stratagem Tunley obeyed the summons and appeared before his guests in all the
violence of rage disorder and fatigue his nostrils were dilated more than one
half beyond their natural capacity his eyes rolled his teeth chattered he
snored in breathing as if he had been oppressed by the nightmare and streams of
sweat flowed down each side of his forehead
Peregrine affecting to start at the approach of such an uncouth figure
asked if he had been wrestling with a spirit upon which he answered with great
vehemence »Spirit No no master I have had a roll and tumble with the flesh
A dog Ill teach him to come a caterwauling about my doors« Guessing from this
reply that his aim was accomplished and curious to know the particulars of the
rencounter »Well then said the youth I hope you have prevailed against the
flesh Tunley« »Yes yes answered the publican I have cooled his capissens
as the saying is I have played such a tune about his ears that Ill be bound
he shant long for musick this month A goatish ramfacd rascal Why hes a
perfect parish bull as I hope to live«
Hatchway observing that he seemed to have made a stout battle desired he
would sit down and recover wind and after he had swallowed a brace of bumpers
his vanity prompted him to expatiate upon his own exploit in such a manner that
the confederates without seeming to know the curate was his antagonist became
acquainted with every circumstance of the ambuscade
Tunley had scarce got the better of his agitation when his wife entering
the room told them by way of news that some waggish body had sent Mr Sackbut
the curate to pray with her This name inflamed the husbands choler anew and
forgetting all his complaisance for his spouse he replied with a rancorous
grin »Add rabbit him I doubt not but you found his admonitions deadly
comfortable« The landlady looking at her vassal with a sovereign aspect »What
crotchets said she have you got in your fools head I trow I know no
business you have to sit here like a gentleman with your arms akimbo when
theres another company in the house to be served« The submissive husband took
the hint and without further expostulation sneaked out of the room
Next day it was reported that Mr Sackbut had been waylaid and almost
murdered by robbers and an advertisement pasted upon the churchdoor offering
a reward to any person that should discover the assassin but he reaped no
satisfaction from this expedient and was confined to his chamber a whole
fortnight by the bruises he had received
Chapter XXXIII
Mr Sackbut and his Pupil conspire against Peregrine who being apprized of
their Design by his Sister takes Measures for counterworking their Scheme
which is executed by Mistake upon Mr Gauntlet This young Soldier meets with a
cordial Reception from the Commodore who generously decoys him into his own
Interest
When he considered the circumstances of the ambuscade he could not persuade
himself that he had been assaulted by a common thief because it was not to be
supposed that a robber would have amused himself in pummeling rather than in
rifling his prey he therefore ascribed his misfortune to the secret enmity of
some person who had a design upon his life and upon mature deliberation fixed
his suspicion upon Peregrine who was the only man on earth from whom he thought
he deserved such treatment He communicated this conjecture to his pupil who
readily adopted his opinion and advised him strenuously to revenge the wrong by
a like contrivance without seeking to make a narrower inquiry lest his enemy
should be thereby put upon his guard
This proposal being relished they in concert revolved the means of
retorting the ambush with interest and actually laid such a villainous plan for
attacking our hero in the dark that had it been executed according to their
intention the young gentlemans scheme of travelling would have been
effectually marred But their machinations were overheard by Miss Pickle who
was now in the seventeenth year of her age and in spite of the prejudice of
education entertained in secret a most sisterly affection for her brother
Perry though she had never spoke to him and was deterred by the precepts
vigilance and menaces of her mother from attempting any means of meeting him in
private She was not however insensible to his praise which was loudly
sounded forth in the neighbourhood and never failed of going to church and
every other place where she thought she might have an opportunity of seeing
this amiable brother With these sentiments it cannot be supposed that she would
hear the conspiracy without emotion She was shocked at the treacherous
barbarity of Gam and shuddered at the prospect of the danger to which Peregrine
would be exposed from their malice She durst not communicate this plot to her
mother because she was afraid that ladys unaccountable aversion for her
firstborn would hinder her from interposing in his behalf and consequently
render her a sort of accomplice in the guilt of his assassins She therefore
resolved to warn Peregrine of the conspiracy an account of which she
transmitted to him in an affectionate letter by means of a young gentleman in
that neighbourhood who made his addresses to her at that time and who at her
request offered his service to our hero in defeating the projects of his
adversaries
Peregrine was startled when he read the particulars of their scheme which
was no other than an intention to sally upon him when he should be altogether
unprovided against such an attack cut off his ears and otherwise mutilate him
in such a manner that he should have no cause to be vain of his person for the
future
Incensed as he was against the brutal disposition of his own fathers son
he could not help being moved at the integrity and tenderness of his sister of
whose inclinations towards him he had been hitherto kept in ignorance He
thanked the gentleman for his honourable dealing and expressed a desire of
being better acquainted with his virtues told him that now he was cautioned
he hoped there would be no necessity for giving him any further trouble and
wrote by him a letter of acknowledgment to his sister for whom he expressed the
utmost love and regard beseeching her to favour him with an interview before
his departure that he might indulge his fraternal fondness and be blessed with
the company and countenance of one at least belonging to his own family
Having imparted this discovery to his friend Hatchway they came to a
resolution of countermining the plan of their enemies and as they did not
choose to expose themselves to the insinuations of slander which would have
exerted itself at their expence had they even in defending themselves
employed any harsh means of retaliation they invented a method of disappointing
and disgracing their foes and immediately set Pipes at work to forward the
preparations
Miss Pickle having described the spot which the assassins had pitched upon
for the scene of their vengeance our triumvirate intended to have placed a
centinel among the corn who should come and give them intelligence when the
ambuscade was laid and in consequence of that information they would steal
softly towards the place attended by three or four of the domesticks and draw
a large net over the conspirators who being intangled in the toil should be
disarmed fettered heartily scourged and suspended between two trees in the
snare as a spectacle to all passengers that should chance to travel that way
The plan being thus digested and the commodore made acquainted with the
whole affair the spy was sent upon duty and every body within doors prepared
to go forth upon the first notice One whole evening did they spend in the most
impatient expectation but on the second their scout crept into the garison and
assured them that he had perceived three men skulking behind the hedge on the
road that led to the publick house from which Peregrine and the lieutenant used
every night to return about that hour Upon this intelligence the confederates
set out immediately with all their implements and approaching the scene with as
little noise as possible they heard the sound of blows and though the night
was dark perceived a sort of tumultuous conflict on the very spot which the
conspirators had possessed Surprised at this occurrence the meaning of which
he could not comprehend Peregrine ordered his myrmidons to halt and
reconnoitre and immediately his ears were saluted with an exclamation of »You
shant scape me rascal« The voice being quite familiar to him he all at once
divined the cause of that confusion which they had observed and running up to
the assistance of the exclaimer found a fellow on his knees begging his life of
Mr Gauntlet who stood over him with a naked hanger in his hand
Pickle instantly made himself known to his friend who told him that having
left his horse at Tunleys he was in his way to the garison set upon by three
ruffians one of whom being the very individual person now in his power had
come behind him and struck with a bludgeon at his head which however he
missed and the instrument descended on his left shoulder that upon drawing his
hanger and laying about him in the dark the other two fled leaving their
companion whom he had disabled in the lurch
Peregrine congratulated him upon his safety and having ordered Pipes to
secure the prisoner conducted Mr Gauntlet to the garison where he met with a
very hearty reception from the commodore to whom he was introduced as his
nephews intimate friend not but that in all likelihood he would have abated
somewhat of his hospitality had he known that he was the brother of Perrys
mistress but her name the old gentleman had never thought of asking when he
inquired into the particulars of his godsons amour
The captive being examined in presence of Trunnion and all his adherents
touching the ambuscade owned that being in the service of Gam Pickle he had
been prevailed upon by the sollicitations of his master and the curate to
accompany them in their expedition and undertake the part which he had acted
against the stranger whom he and his employers mistook for Peregrine In
consideration of this frank acknowledgment and a severe wound he had received
in his right arm they resolved to inflict no other punishment on this
malefactor than to detain him all night in the garison and next morning carry
him before a justice of the peace to whom he repeated all that he had said
overnight and with his own hand subscribed his confession copies of which were
handed about the neighbourhood to the unspeakable confusion and disgrace of the
curate and his promising pupil
Mean while Trunnion treated the young soldier with uncommon marks of
respect being prepossessed in his favour by this adventure which he had so
gallantly atchieved as well as by the encomiums that Peregrine bestowed upon
his valour and generosity He liked his countenance which was bold and hardy
admired his Herculean limbs and delighted in asking questions concerning the
service he had seen
The day after his arrival while the conversation turned on this last
subject the commodore taking the pipe out of his mouth »Ill tell you what
brother said he five and forty years ago when I was third lieutenant of the
Warwick man of war there was a very stout young fellow on board a subaltern
officer of marines his name was not unlike your own dye see being Guntlet
with a G I remember he and I could not abide one another at first because
dye see I was a sailor and he a landman till we fell in with a Frenchman
whom we engaged for eight glasses and at length boarded and took I was the
first man that stood on the enemys deck and should have come scurvily off
dye see if Guntlet had not jumped to my assistance but we soon cleared ship
and drove them to close quarters so that they were obliged to strike and from
that day Guntlet and I were sworn brothers as long as he remained on board He
was exchanged into a marching regiment and what became of him afterwards Lord
in heaven knows but this Ill say of him whether he be dead or alive he
feared no man that ever wore a head and was moreover a very hearty messmate«
The strangers breast glowed at this eulogium which was no sooner
pronounced than he eagerly asked if the French ship was not the Diligence The
commodore replied with a stare »The very same my lad« »Then said Gauntlet
the person of whom you are pleased to make such honourable mention was my own
father« »The devil he was cried Trunnion shaking him by the hand I am
rejoiced to see a son of Ned Gauntlet in my house«
This discovery introduced a thousand questions in the course of which the
old gentleman learnt the situation of his friends family and discharged
innumerable execrations upon the ingratitude and injustice of the ministry
which had failed to provide for the son of such a brave soldier Nor was his
friendship confined to such ineffectual expressions he that same evening
signified to Peregrine a desire of doing something for his friend and this
inclination was so much praised encouraged and promoted by his godson and even
supported by his counsellor Hatchway that our hero was empowered to present him
with a sum of money sufficient to purchase a commission
Though nothing could be more agreeable to Pickle than this permission he
was afraid that Godfreys scrupulous disposition would hinder him from
subjecting himself to any such obligation and therefore proposed that he should
be decoyed into his own interest by a feigned story in consequence of which he
would be prevailed upon to accept of the money as a debt which the commodore
had contracted of his father at sea Trunnion made wry faces at this expedient
the necessity of which he could not conceive without calling in question the
common sense of Gauntlet as he took it for granted that such offers as those
were not to be rejected on any consideration whatever Besides he could not
digest an artifice by which he himself must own that he had lived so many
years without manifesting the least intention of doing justice to his creditor
All these objections however were removed by the zeal and rhetoric of
Peregrine who represented that it would be impossible to befriend him on any
other terms that his silence hitherto would be imputed to his want of
information touching the circumstances and condition of his friend and that his
remembring and insisting upon discharging the obligation after such an interval
of time when the whole affair was in oblivion would be the greatest compliment
he could pay to his own honour and integrity
Thus persuaded he took an opportunity of Gauntlets being alone with him to
broach the affair telling the young man that his father had advanced a sum of
money for him when they sailed together on account of the mess as well as to
stop the mouth of a clamorous creditor at Portsmouth and that the said sum
with interest amounted to about four hundred pounds which he would now with
great thankfulness repay
Godfrey was amazed at this declaration and after a considerable pause
replied that he had never heard his parents mention any such debt that no
memorandum or voucher of it was found among his fathers papers and that in
all probability it must have been discharged long ago although the commodore
in such a long course of time and hurry of occupation might have forgot the
repayment he therefore desired to be excused from accepting what in his own
conscience he believed was not his due and complimented the old gentleman upon
his being so scrupulously just and honourable
The soldiers refusal which was matter of astonishment to Trunnion
increased his inclination to assist him and on pretence of acquitting his own
character he urged his beneficence with such obstinacy that Gauntlet afraid
of disobliging him was in a manner compelled to receive a draught for the
money for which he subscribed an ample discharge and immediately transmitted
the order to his mother whom at the same time he informed of the circumstances
by which they had so unexpectedly gained this accession of fortune
Such a piece of news could not fail of being agreeable to Mrs Gauntlet who
by the first post wrote a polite letter of acknowledgment to the commodore
another to her own son importing that she had already sent the draught to a
friend in London with directions to deposit it in the hands of a certain
banker for the purchase of the first ensigncy to be sold and she took the
liberty of sending a third to Peregrine couched in very affectionate terms
with a kind postscript signed by Miss Sophy and his charming Emily
This affair being transacted to the satisfaction of all concerned
preparations were set on foot for the departure of our hero on whom his uncle
settled an annuity of eight hundred pounds being little less than one half of
his whole income By this time indeed the old gentleman could easily afford to
alienate such a part of his fortune because he entertained little or no
company kept few servants was remarkably plain and frugal in his
housekeeping and Mrs Trunnion being now some years on the wrong side of
fifty her infirmities began to increase and tho her pride had suffered no
diminution her vanity was altogether subdued by her avarice
A Swiss valet de chambre who had already made the tour of Europe was hired
for the care of Peregrines own person and Pipes being ignorant of the French
language as well as otherwise unfit for the office of a fashionable attendant
it was resolved that he should remain in garison and his place was immediately
supplied by a Parisian lacquey engaged at London for that purpose Pipes did not
seem to relish this disposition of things and though he made no verbal
objections to it looked remarkably sour at his successor upon his first
arrival but this sullen fit seemed gradually to wear off and long before his
masters departure he had recovered his natural tranquillity and unconcern
Chapter XXXIV
The two young Gentlemen display their Talents for Gallantry in the Course of
which they are involved in a ludicrous Circumstance of Distress and afterwards
take Vengeance on the Author of their Mishap
Mean while our hero and his new friend together with honest Jack Hatchway made
daily excursions into the country visited the gentlemen in the neighbourhood
and frequently accompanied them to the chace all three being exceedingly
caressed on account of their talents which could accommodate themselves with
great facility to the tempers and turns of their entertainers The lieutenant
was a droll in his way Peregrine possessed a great fund of sprightliness and
good humour and Godfrey among his other qualifications already recited sung a
most excellent song so that the company of this triumvirate was courted in all
parties whether male or female and if the hearts of our young gentlemen had
not been preengaged they would have met with opportunities in abundance of
displaying their address in the art of love not but that they gave a loose to
their gallantry without much interesting their affections and amused themselves
with little intrigues which in the opinion of a man of pleasure do not affect
his fidelity to the acknowledged sovereign of his soul
Had they used those advantages which their skill and accomplishments gave
them over the warm unpractised minds of the young ladies to whom they had
access almost every family in the county might have had cause to rue their
acquaintance but our adventurers wild and licentious as they were governed
their actions by certain notions of honour which they never presumed to
infringe and therefore no domestic tragedies took rise from their behaviour
Among the lower class of people they did not act with the same virtuous
moderation but laid close siege to every buxom country damsel that fell in
their way imagining that their dalliance with such Dulcineas could produce no
fatal effects and that it would be in their power to attone for any damage
these inamoratas might sustain
In the prosecution of these amours Gauntlet could not help discovering a
particular biass towards married women and when questioned by his friend
defended his singularity of taste by observing that such connections if
discreetly managed are attended by none of those bad consequences which
commonly pursue an amorous correspondence with single persons because the
wedded dames fortune is already made and her husband stands as a buttress
before her reputation
Though Peregrine could not approve of this maxim which the soldier had
adopted in the course of a military education he could not avoid engaging as a
second and confidant to his friend in an intrigue which he carried on with a
farmers wife in the neighbourhood Godfrey had practised all his arts in
attempting to overcome the chastity of this woman who was an hale rosy wench
lately married and at length succeeded so far in his addresses that she
promised to admit him one night when her husband would be absent on business
which called him once a fortnight to the next market town
He communicated his good fortune to Perry desiring that he would accompany
him to the place in case of accident and our young gentleman having undertaken
the office of standing centinel over his friend while he should enjoy his
conquest they set out at the time appointed and arriving at the door the
gallant made the signal which had been agreed upon and was let in accordingly
after having assured his confidant that he would be with him again in two hours
at farthest
Thus left to his own meditations our hero began his patrole beguiling the
time with the most amusing fancies of a glowing imagination and enjoying by
anticipation all the pleasures attending affluence and youth till at length his
reverie was interrupted by a plump shower that compelled him to seek for shelter
in a sort of shed the door of which stood open to his view Thither therefore
he betook himself and groping about as he entered in the dark chanced to lay
hold on a bushy beard to his infinite surprize and consternation Before he had
time to form any conjecture concerning this strange object of his touch he
received a sudden shock upon his forehead that felled him to the ground in an
instant and as he lay underwent the trampling of a huge body that rushed over
him into the field In this attitude he remained extended for the space of
several minutes before he recovered the use of sensation which he had lost and
then he perceived the blood trickling down from his temples in a double stream
The cause of this misfortune was still a mystery to him and he made shift to
rise cursing his fate for having sustained such visible marks of disgrace in
the exercise of such a ridiculous office when strolling about with his
handkerchief applied to his hurts he discerned on the farther side of a tree a
pair of large eyes glancing like two coals of fire He immediately unsheathed
his hanger in the belief that now he had found the author of his mischance and
springing forward on his adversary aimed a furious stroke that entered the body
of the tree in which his weapon stuck so fast that he could not disengage it
without some difficulty while the object of his wrath made a precipitate
retreat and by an exclamation gave him to know that his assailant was no other
than an hegoat
Mad as he was with indignation and shame he could not help laughing at the
ludicrous adventure and had just set his invention at work to find some
plausible excuse which he might make to the world for the patches he knew he
must wear on his face when a window of the first story flying open he saw
something white descend with astonishing velocity and running to the spot
found his friend Godfrey naked to the shirt Confounded at his condition he
began to inquire into the reason of his precipitation but received no answer
until he had followed the fugitive to a place where they could not be overheard
There he understood that the soldier had been decoyed into the snare by the
connivance of the husband by whose direction he had without all doubt been
admitted not only into the house but even into his wifes own bed where the
jilt had left him undressed on pretence of fastening the doors but in reality
with a view of giving the hint to the farmer who armed with a pitchfork and
supported by his man entered the room before he was aware secured his sword
and cloaths and obliged him to take refuge in a closet from the window of
which he had thrown himself in order to avoid the resentment of the boor and
the disgrace as well as expence of being taken in that situation
Peregrine was tempted to laugh at the ridiculous issue of this adventure
but restrained himself in consideration of his friends temper and condition
neither of which were at that time proper objects of mirth and stripping off
his own coat accommodated Godfreys naked shoulders then after mature
deliberation they determined to leave the spoil in the hands of the enemy
because they foresaw it would be altogether impracticable to retrieve it as
well as hazardous both to their persons and reputation to make any attempt
towards the recovery of what was lost the two friends therefore made their
retreat in this trim to the garison and the farmer remained in possession of
all the soldiers cloaths sword and ready money to the amount of ten pounds
But here the disaster did not end the malicious peasant propagated the whole
story in the neighbourhood and an advertisement was pasted on the church door
for the perusal of the whole parish giving a description of the goods
signifying the place where they were found and offering to restore them to any
person who should prove himself the right owner This was a mortifying joke to
Gauntlet who was ashamed to shew himself for a whole week nor was Peregrine
exempted from a share of the disgrace to which he was exposed by the marks on
his forehead that confined him also to the house and subjected him to the
ridicule of the commodore who having heard the story rallied the two
adventurers observing that it was well Gauntlets mast had not gone along with
his rigging and asking if the cuckolds horns had run foul of Peregrines bows
Mrs Trunnion who chanced to be present very demurely checked her husband for
his profane scoffing and in a severe lecture rebuked the young men for their
profligate courses which if they were not relinquished in time would bring
their bodies into trouble in this life and their souls into perdition in that
which is to come While these fellowsufferers were obliged to keep within
doors they held frequent consultations with the lieutenant concerning some
means of revenge which the soldier was bent upon taking because he could not
forgive the double dealing of his mistress who he thought might have declined
his solicitations without inveigling him into such a disgraceful situation
After much deliberation they resolved to wait patiently and watch for the
husbands absence when by a stratagem they had concerted they would endeavour
to obtain admittance and punish the wifes perfidy by fixing her as a
monument with her posteriors thrust out at a window for the contemplation of
her spouse when he should return in the morning
The plan being laid Peregrine found means to make himself acquainted with
the farmers voice and manner of speaking which he overheard one night at
Tunleys and likewise to procure information of the day upon which he always
went to a certain market in order to dispose of his wheat at such a distance
that he seldom failed of being abroad all night According to this intelligence
the confederates attended by Pipes set out one evening about nine oclock for
the house of the delinquent where the lieutenant and Tom being placed at
different avenues to prevent interruption the two young gentlemen approached
the door which was locked and Peregrine in the rustic tone of the farmer
demanded entrance the wife never doubting that her husband was returned in
consequence of having met with a speedier sale than usual sent her maid to let
him in and the door was no sooner opened than our adventurers rushed into the
house The mistress was struck dumb with consternation mistaking them for
robbers because they wore vizors and were otherwise disguised while the
servant wench terrified with the same apprehension fell upon her knees and
begged they would spare her life and take all she had Gauntlet taking the wife
by the hand led her trembling into that very chamber which had been the scene
of his misfortune where pulling off his mask he upbraided her with the
treachery she had practised upon him and intimated the intention of his present
visit The lady asked pardon for what she had done with such submission and
deprecated his wrath so pathetically that his heart relented and he proposed
terms of accommodation which with some seeming reluctance she embraced and he
forthwith enjoyed a more agreeable revenge than that which he in his ire had
projected
Mean while Peregrine guessing the good fortune of his friend and allured by
the attractions of the maid who was a cleanly florid girl employed his address
to such effectual purpose that she yielded to his efforts and he was as happy
as such a conquest could make him
The soldier and his companion having thus obtained all the satisfaction they
required and settled a correspondence which they did not afterwards neglect
retired in peace applauding themselves on their success and found their two
centinels on their posts whom they amused with a feigned story of having been
so much moved by the tears and supplications of the criminal that they desisted
from their scheme of exposing her and only inflicted the punishment of
flagellation which they said she had undergone
Pipes was not well pleased when he found himself disappointed in the
expectation of seeing her in the attitude to which she had been in council
decreed and Hatchway though he pretended to acquiesce in their account saw
through the pretence and ascribed their long stay to the true motive
Chapter XXXV
Peregrine has an Interview with his Sister Julia Is interrupted and attacked by
his Mother and relieved by his Friend Gauntlet Julia is settled in the
Garison and Trunnion affronted by his old Friend Gamaliel Pickle
Two days after this atchievement was so happily accomplished our hero received
an intimation from his sister that she should be overjoyed to meet him next
day at five oclock in the afternoon at the house of her nurse who lived in a
cottage hard by her fathers habitation she being debarred from all opportunity
of seeing him in any other place by the severity of her mother who suspected
her inclination
He accordingly obeyed the summons and went at the time appointed to the
place of rendezvous where he met this affectionate young lady who when he
entered the room ran towards him with all the eagerness of transport flung her
arms about his neck and shed a flood of tears in his bosom before she could
utter one word except a repetition of »My dear dear brother« He embraced her
with all the piety of fraternal tenderness wept over her in his turn assured
her that this was one of the happiest moments of his life and kindly thanked
her for having resisted the example and disobeyed the injunctions of his
mothers unnatural aversion
He was ravished to find by her conversation that she possessed a great
share of sensibility and prudent reflexion for she lamented the infatuation of
her parents with the most filial regret and expressed such abhorrence and
concern at the villainous disposition of her younger brother as a humane sister
may be supposed to have entertained He made her acquainted with all the
circumstances of his own fortune and as he supposed she spent her time very
disagreeably at home among characters which must be shockingly interesting
professed a desire of moving her into some other sphere where she could live
with more tranquillity and satisfaction
She objected to this proposal as an expedient that would infallibly subject
her to the implacable resentment of her mother whose favour and affection she
at present enjoyed but in a very inconsiderable degree and they had canvassed
divers schemes of corresponding for the future when the voice of Mrs Pickle was
heard at the door
Miss Julia that was the young ladys name finding herself betrayed was
seized with a violent agitation of fear and Peregrine scarce had time to
encourage her with a promise of protection before the door of the apartment
being flung open this irreconcileable parent rushed in and with a furious
aspect flew directly at her trembling daughter when the son interposing
received the first discharge of her fury
Her eyes gleamed with all the rage of indignation which choaked up her
utterance and seemed to convulse her whole frame she twisted her left hand in
his hair and with the other buffeted him about the face till the blood gushed
from his nostrils and mouth while he defended his sister from the cruelty of
Gam who assaulted her from another quarter seeing his brother engaged This
attack lasted several minutes with great violence till at length Peregrine
finding himself in danger of being overpowered if he should remain any longer
on the defensive laid his brother on his back and before he could get up
again disentangled his mothers hand from his own hair and having pushed her
gently out of the room bolted the door on the inside then turning to Gam
threw him out at the window among a parcel of hogs that fed under it By this
time Julia was almost quite distracted with terror she knew she had offended
beyond all hope of forgiveness and from that moment considered herself as an
exile from her fathers house in vain did her brother strive to console her
with fresh protestations of love and protection she counted herself extremely
miserable in being obliged to endure the eternal resentment of a parent with
whom she had hitherto lived and dreaded the censure of the world which from
her mothers misrepresentation she was sensible would condemn her unheard That
she might not however neglect any means in her power of averting this storm she
resolved to appease if possible her mothers wrath with humiliation and even
appeal to the influence of her father weak as it was before she would despair
of being forgiven But the good lady spared her this unnecessary application by
telling her through the keyhole that she must never expect to come within her
fathers door again for from that hour she renounced her as unworthy of her
affection and regard Julia weeping bitterly endeavoured to soften the rigour
of this sentence by the most submissive and reasonable remonstrances but as in
her vindication she of necessity espoused her elder brothers cause her
endeavours instead of soothing served only to exasperate her mother to an
higher pitch of indignation which discharged itself in invectives against
Peregrine whom she reviled with the epithets of a worthless abandoned
reprobate
The youth hearing these unjust aspersions trembled with resentment through
every limb assuring the upbraider that he considered her as an object of
compassion »for without all doubt said he your diabolic rancour must be
severely punished by the thorns of your own conscience which this very instant
taxes you with the malice and falsehood of your reproaches As for my sister I
bless God that you have not been able to infect her with your unnatural
prejudice which because she is too just too virtuous too humane to imbibe
you reject her as an alien to your blood and turn her out unprovided into a
barbarous world But even there your vitious purpose shall be defeated that
same providence that screened me from the cruelty of your hate shall extend its
protection to her until I shall find it convenient to assert by law that right
of maintenance which nature it seems hath bestowed upon us in vain In the
mean time you will enjoy the satisfaction of paying an undivided attention to
that darling son whose amiable qualities have so long engaged and engrossed
your love and esteem«
This freedom of expostulation exalted his mothers ire to meer frenzy she
cursed him with the bitterest imprecations and raved like a Bedlamite at the
door which she attempted to burst open Her efforts were seconded by her
favourite son who denounced vengeance against Peregrine made furious assaults
against the lock which resisted all their applications until our hero espying
his friend Gauntlet and Pipes stepping over a style that stood about a furlong
from the window called them to his assistance and giving them to understand
how he was besieged desired they would keep off his mother that he might the
more easily secure his sister Julias retreat The young soldier entered
accordingly and posting himself between Mrs Pickle and the door gave the
signal to his friend who lifting up his sister in his arms carried her safe
without the clutches of this shedragon while Pipes with his cudgel kept young
master at bay
The mother being thus deprived of her prey sprung upon Gauntlet like a
lioness robbed of her whelps and he must have suffered sorely in the flesh had
he not prevented her mischievous intent by seizing both her wrists and so
keeping her at due distance In attempting to disengage herself from his grasp
she struggled with such exertion and suffered such agony of passion at the same
time that she actually fell into a severe fit during which she was put to bed
and the confederates retired without further molestation
In the mean time Peregrine was not a little perplexed about the disposal of
his sister whom he had rescued He could not endure the thoughts of saddling the
commodore with a new expence and he was afraid of undertaking the charge of
Julia without his benefactors advice and direction for the present however
he carried her to the house of a gentleman in the neighbourhood whose lady was
her godmother where she was received with great tenderness and condolance and
he proposed to inquire for some creditable house where she might be genteelly
boarded in his absence resolving to maintain her from the savings of his own
allowance which he thought might very well bear such deduction But this
intention was frustrated by the publication of the whole affair which was
divulged next day and soon reached the ears of Trunnion who chid his godson
for having concealed the adventure and with the approbation of his wife
ordered him to bring Julia forthwith to the garison The young gentleman with
tears of gratitude in his eyes explained his design of maintaining her at his
own expence and earnestly begged that he might not be deprived of that
satisfaction But his uncle was deaf to all his intreaties and insisted upon
her living in the garison though for no other reason than that of being company
to her aunt who he observed was lost for want of conversation
Julia was accordingly brought home and settled under the tuition of Mrs
Trunnion who whatever face she might put on the matter could have dispensed
with the society of her niece though she was not without hope of gratifying her
pique at Mrs Pickle by the intelligence she would receive from the daughter
of that ladys oeconomy and domestic behaviour The mother herself seemed
conscious of this advantage which her sisterinlaw had now gained over her
being as much chagrined at the news of Julias reception at the garison as if
she had heard of her own husbands death She even tortured her invention to
propagate calumnies against the reputation of her own daughter whom she
slandered in all companies she exclaimed against the commodore as an old
ruffian who spirited up a rebellion among her children and imputed the
hospitality of his wife in countenancing them to nothing else but her
inveterate enmity to their mother whom they had disobliged She now insisted
in the most peremptory terms upon her husbands renouncing all commerce with
the old lad of the castle and his adherents and Mr Gamaliel having by this
time contracted other friendships readily submitted to her will and even
refused to communicate with the commodore one night when they happened to meet
by accident at the public house
Chapter XXXVI
The Commodore sends a Challenge to Gamaliel and is imposed upon by a waggish
Invention of the Lieutenant Peregrine and Gauntlet
This affront Trunnion could by no means digest he advised with the lieutenant
upon the subject and the result of their consultation was a defiance which the
old commander sent to Pickle demanding that he would meet him at such a place
on horseback with a brace of pistols and give satisfaction for the slight he
had put upon him
Nothing could have afforded more pleasure to Jack than the acceptance of
this challenge which he delivered verbally to Mr Gamaliel who was called out
from the club at Tunleys for that purpose The nature of this message had an
instantaneous effect upon the constitution of the pacific Pickle whose bowels
yearned with apprehension and underwent such violent agitation on the spot
that one would have thought the operation proceeded from some severe joke of the
apothecary which he had swallowed in his beer
The messenger despairing of a satisfactory answer left him in this woeful
condition and being loath to lose any opportunity of raising the laugh against
the commodore went immediately and communicated the whole affair to the young
gentlemen intreating them for the love of God to concert some means of
bringing old Hannibal into the field The two friends relished the proposal and
after some deliberation it was resolved that Hatchway should tell Trunnion his
invitation was accepted by Gamaliel who would meet him at the place appointed
with his second tomorrow in the twilight because if either should fall the
other would have the better chance for escaping in the dark that Godfrey should
personate old Pickles friend and Peregrine represent his own father while the
lieutenant should take care in loading the pistols to keep out the shot so as
that no damage might be done in the rencounter
These circumstances being adjusted the lieutenant returned to his principal
with a most thundering reply from his antagonist whose courageous behaviour
though it could not intimidate did not fail to astonish the commodore who
ascribed it to the spirit of his wife which had inspired him Trunnion that
instant desired his counsellor to prepare his cartridgebox and order the
quietest horse in the stable to be kept ready saddled for the occasion his eye
seemed to lighten with alacrity and pleasure at the prospect of smelling
gunpowder once more before his death and when Jack advised him to make his
will in case of accident he rejected his counsel with disdain saying »What
dost think that Hawser Trunnion who has stood the fire of so many floating
batteries runs any risk from the lousy pops of a landman Thou shalt see thou
shalt see how I will make him lower his topsails« Next day Peregrine and the
soldier provided themselves with horses at the public house from whence at the
destined hour they rode to the field of battle each of them being muffled in a
great coat which with the dimness of the light effectually shielded them from
the knowledge of the oneeyed commander who having taken horse on pretence of
enjoying the fresh air soon appeared with Hatchway in his rear When they came
within sight of each other the seconds advanced in order to divide the ground
and regulate the measures of the combat when it was determined by mutual
consent that two pistols should be discharged on each side and that if neither
should prove decisive recourse must be had to the broadswords in order to
ascertain the victory These articles being settled the opponents rode forward
to their respective stations when Peregrine cocking his pistol and presenting
counterfeited his fathers voice and bad Trunnion take care of his remaining
eye The commodore took his advice being unwilling to hazard his daylight and
very deliberately opposed the patched side of his face to the muzzle of his
antagonists piece desiring him to do his duty without further jaw The young
man accordingly fired and the distance being small the wad of his pistol took
place with a smart stroke on the forehead of Trunnion who mistaking it for the
ball which he thought was lodged in his brain spurred up his steed in a state
of desperation towards his antagonist and holding his piece within two yards of
his body let it off without any regard to the laws of battle Surprised and
enraged to see it had made no impression he hollowed in a terrible tone »O
damn ye you have got your netting stuffed I see« and advancing discharged
his second pistol so near his godsons head that had he not been defended by
his great coat the powder must have scorched his face Having thus thrown away
his fire he remained at the mercy of Peregrine who clapping the piece he had
in reserve to his head commanded him to beg his life and ask pardon for his
presumption The commodore made no reply to this imperious injunction but
dropping his pistol and unsheathing his broadsword with a jirk attacked our
hero with such incredible agility that if he had not made shift to ward off the
stroke with his piece the adventure in all likelihood would have turned out a
very tragical joke Peregrine finding it would be in vain for him to think of
drawing his weapon and standing on the defensive against this furious
aggressor very fairly clapt spurs to his nag and sought his safety in flight
Trunnion pursued him with infinite eagerness and his steed being the better of
the two would have overtaken the fugitive to his peril had he not been
unfortunately encountered by the boughs of a tree that happened to stand on his
blind side and incommoded him so much that he was fain to quit his sword and
lay hold on the mane in order to maintain his seat Perry perceiving his
disaster wheeled about and now finding leisure to produce his weapon returned
upon his disarmed foe and brandishing his Ferrara threatened to make him
shorter by the head if he would not immediately crave quarter and yield There
was nothing farther from the intention of the old gentleman than such
submission which he flatly refused to pay alledging that he had already
compelled his enemy to clap on all his sails and that his own present
misfortune was owing to accident all one as if a ship should be attacked after
she had been obliged to heave her guns overboard in a storm
Before Peregrine had time to answer this remonstrance the lieutenant
interposed and taking cognizance of the case established a truce until he and
the other second should discuss and decide upon the merits of the cause They
accordingly retired to a small distance and after having conferred a few
minutes Hatchway returned and pronounced the commodore vanquished by the
chance of war
Never was rage more transporting than that which took possession of old
Hannibal when he heard the sentence it was some time before he could utter
aught except the reproachful expression You lie which he repeated more than
twenty times in a sort of delirious insensibility and when he recovered the
further use of speech abused the arbitrators with such bitter invectives
renouncing their sentence and appealing to another trial that the confederates
began to repent of having carried the joke so far and Peregrine in order to
appease his choler owned himself overcome
This acknowledgement calmed the tumult of his wrath though he could not for
some days forgive the lieutenant and the two young gentlemen rode back to
Tunleys while Hatchway taking the commodores horse by the bridle
reconducted him to his mansion growling all the way at Jack for his unjust and
unfriendly decree though he could not help observing as how he had made his
words good in making his adversary strike his topsails »And yet said he
before God I think the fellows head is made of a woolpack for my shot
rebounded from his face like a wad of spunyarn from the walls of a ship But if
so be that son of a bitch of a tree hadnt come athwart my weatherbow dye
see Ill be damned if I hadnt snapt his mainyard in the slings and mayhap
let out his bulgewater into the bargain« He seemed particularly vain of this
exploit which dwelt upon his imagination and was cherished as the child of his
old age for though he could not with decency rehearse it to the young men and
his wife at supper he gave shrewd hints of his own manhood even at these
years and attested Hatchway as a voucher for his mettle while the triumvirate
diverted by his vanity enjoyed in secret the success of their imposition
Chapter XXXVII
Peregrine takes leave of his Aunt and Sister sets out from the Garison parts
with his Uncle and Hatchway on the Road and with his Governor arrives in safety
at Dover
This however was the last effort of invention which they practised upon him
and every thing being now prepared for the departure of his godson that hopeful
youth in two days took leave of all his friends in the neighbourhood was
closeted two whole hours with his aunt who inriched him with many pious
advices recapitulated all the benefits which through her means had been
conferred upon him since his infancy cautioned him against the temptations of
lewd women who bring many a man to a morsel of bread laid strict injunctions
upon him to live in the fear of the Lord and the true protestant faith to
eschew quarrels and contention to treat Mr Jolter with reverence and regard
and above all things to abstain from the beastly sin of drunkenness which
exposeth a man to the scorn and contempt of his fellowcreatures and by
divesting him of reason and reflection renders him fit for all manner of vice
and debauchery She recommended to him oeconomy and the care of his health bad
him remember the honour of his family and in all the circumstances of his
behaviour assured him that he might always depend upon the friendship and
generosity of the commodore and finally presenting him with her own picture
set in gold and an hundred guineas from her privy purse embraced him
affectionately and wished him all manner of happiness and prosperity
Being thus kindly dismissed by Mrs Trunnion he locked himself up with his
sister Julia whom he admonished to cultivate her aunt with the most complaisant
and respectful attention without stooping to any circumstance of submission
that she should judge unworthy of her practice he protested that his chief
study should be to make her amends for the privilege she had forfeited by her
affection for him intreated her to enter into no engagement without his
knowledge and approbation put into her hand the purse which he had received
from his aunt to defray her pocket expences in his absence and parted from
her not without tears after she had for some minutes hung about his neck
kissing him and weeping in the most pathetic silence
Having performed these duties of affection and consanguinity overnight he
went to bed and was by his own direction called at four oclock in the
morning when he found the postchaise coach and ridinghorses ready at the
gate his friends Gauntlet and Hatchway on foot the commodore himself almost
dressed and every servant in the garison assembled in the yard to wish him a
good journey Our hero shook each of these humble friends by the hand tipping
them at the same time with marks of his bounty and was very much surprized when
he could not perceive his old attendant Pipes among the number When he
expressed his wonder at this disrespectful omission of Tom some of those
present ran to his chamber in order to give him a call but his hammock and
room were both deserted and they soon returned with an account of his having
eloped Peregrine was disturbed at this information believing that the fellow
had taken some desperate course in consequence of his being dismissed from his
service and began to wish that he had indulged his inclination by retaining
him still about his person However as there was now no other remedy he
recommended him strenuously to the particular favour and distinction of his
uncle and Hatchway in case he should appear again and as he went out at the
gate was saluted with three chears by all the domestics in the family The
commodore Gauntlet lieutenant Peregrine and Jolter went into the coach
together that they might enjoy each others conversation as much as possible
resolving to breakfast at an inn upon the road where Trunnion and Hatchway
intended to bid our adventurer farewel the valet de chambre got into the
postchaise the French lacquey rode one horse and led another one of the
valets of the garison mounted at the back of the coach and thus the cavalcade
set out on the road to Dover As the commodore could not bear the fatigue of
jolting they travelled at an easy pace during the first stage so that the old
gentleman had an opportunity of communicating his exhortations to his godson
with regard to his conduct abroad he advised him now that he was going into
foreign parts to be upon his guard against the fair weather of the French
politesse which was no more to be trusted than a whirlpool at sea He observed
that many young men had gone to Paris with good cargoes of sense and returned
with a great deal of canvas and no ballast at all whereby they became crank
all the days of their lives and sometimes carried their keels above water He
desired Mr Jolter to keep his pupil out of the clutches of those sharking
priests who lie in wait to make converts of all young strangers and in a
particular manner cautioned the youth against carnal conversation with the
Parisian dames who he understood were no better than gaudy fireships ready
primed with death and destruction
Peregrine listened with great respect thanking him for his kind
admonitions which he faithfully promised to observe They halted and
breakfasted at the end of the stage where Jolter provided himself with a horse
and the commodore settled the method of corresponding with his nephew and the
minute of parting being arrived the old commander wrung his godson by the hand
saying »I wish thee a prosperous voyage and good cheer my lad my timbers are
now a little crazy dye see and God knows if I shall keep afloat till such
time as I see thee again but howsomever hap what will thou wilt find thyself
in a condition to keep in the line with the best of thy fellows« He then
reminded Gauntlet of his promise to call at the garison in his return from
Dover and imparted something in a whisper to the governor while Jack Hatchway
unable to speak pulled his hat over his eyes and squeezing Peregrine by the
hand gave him an iron pistol of curious workmanship as a memorial of his
friendship Our youth who was not unmoved on this occasion received the
pledge which he acknowledged with the present of a silver tobaccobox that he
had bought for that purpose and the two lads of the castle getting into the
coach were driven homewards in a state of silent dejection
Godfrey and Peregrine seated themselves in the postchaise and Jolter the
valet de chambre and lacquey bestriding their beasts they proceeded for the
place of their destination at which they arrived in safety that same night and
bespoke a passage in the pacquetboat which was to sail next day
Chapter XXXVIII
He adjusts the Method of his Correspondence with Gauntlet meets by Accident
with an Italian Charlatan and a certain Apothecary who proves to be a noted
Character
There the two friends adjusted the articles of their future correspondence and
Peregrine having written a letter to his mistress wherein he renewed his former
vows of eternal fidelity it was intrusted to the care of her brother while Mr
Jolter at the desire of his pupil provided an elegant supper and some
excellent Burgundy that they might spend this eve of his departure with the
greater enjoyment
Things being thus disposed and a servant employed in laying the cloth
their ears were of a sudden invaded by a strange tumultuous noise in the next
room occasioned by the overthrow of tables chairs and glasses with odd
unintelligible exclamations in broken French and a jargon of threats in the
Welsh dialect Our young gentlemen ran immediately into the apartment from
whence this clamour seemed to proceed and found a thin meagre swarthy figure
gasping in all the agony of fear under the hands of a squat thick
hardfeatured man who collared him with great demonstrations of wrath saying
»If you was as mighty a magician as Owen Glendower or the witch of Entor look
you ay or as Paul Beor himself I will make pold by the assistance of Got
and in his Majestys naam to seize and secure and confine and confront you
until such time as you suffer and endure and undergo the pains and penalties of
the law for your diabolical practices Shentlemens added he turning to our
adventurers I take you to witness that I protest and assert and avow that this
person is as pig a necromancer as you would desire to behold and I supplicate
and beseech and intreat of you that he may be prought pefore his petters and
compelled to give an account of his compact and commerce with the imps of
darkness look you for as I am a christian soul and hope for joyful
resurrection I have this plessed evening seen him perform such things as could
not be done without the aid and instruction and connivance of the Tevil«
Gauntlet seemed to enter into the sentiments of this Welch reformer and
actually laid hold on the delinquents shoulder crying »Damn the rascal Ill
lay any wager that hes a jesuit for none of his order travel without a
familiar« But Peregrine who looked upon the affair in another point of view
interposed in behalf of the stranger whom he freed from his aggressors
observing that there was no occasion to use violence and asked in French what
he had done to incur the censure of the informer The poor foreigner more dead
than alive answered that he was an Italian charlatan who had practised with
some reputation in Padua until he had the misfortune to attract the notice of
the Inquisition by exhibiting certain wonderful performances by his skill in
natural knowledge which that tribunal considered as the effects of sorcery and
persecuted him accordingly so that he had been fain to make a precipitate
retreat into France where not finding his account in his talents he was now
arrived in England with a view of practising his art in London and that in
consequence of a specimen which he had given to a company below the choleric
gentleman had followed him up stairs to his own apartment and assaulted him in
that inhospitable manner He therefore earnestly begged that our hero would take
him under his protection and if he entertained the least suspicion of his
employing preternatural means in the operations of his art he would freely
communicate all the secrets in his possession
The youth dispelled his apprehension by assuring him that he was in no
danger of suffering for his art in England where if ever he should be
questioned by the zeal of superstitious individuals he had nothing to do but
appeal to the next justice of the peace who would immediately acquit him of the
charge and punish his accusers for their impertinence and indiscretion
He then told Gauntlet and the Welshman that the stranger had a good action
against them for an assault by virtue of an act of parliament which makes it
criminal for any person to accuse another of sorcery and witchcraft these idle
notions being now justly exploded by all sensible men Mr Jolter who had by
this time joined the company could not help signifying his dissent from this
opinion of his pupil which he endeavoured to invalidate by the authority of
scripture quotations from the fathers and the confession of many wretches who
suffered death for having carried on correspondence with evil spirits together
with the evidence of Satans Invisible World and Moretons history of
witchcraft
The soldier corroborated these testimonies by facts that had happened within
the sphere of his own knowledge and in particular mentioned the case of an old
woman of the parish in which he was born who used to transform herself into the
shapes of sundry animals and was at last killed by smallshot in the character
of an hare The Welchman thus supported expressed his surprize at hearing that
the legislature had shewn such tenderness for criminals of so dark a hue and
offered to prove by undeniable instances that there was not a mountain in
Wales which had not been in his memory the scene of necromancy and witchcraft
»Wherefore said he I am assuredly more than apove astonished and confounded
and concerned that the parliament of Great Pritain should in their great
wisdoms and their prudence and their penetration give countenance and
encouragement look you to the works of darkness and the empire of Pelzepup
ofer and apove the evidence of holy writ and those writers who have been quoted
by that aggurate and learned shentleman we are informed by profane history of
the pribbles and pranks of the old serpent in the bortents and oragles of
antiquity as you will find in that most excellent historian Bolypius and Titus
Lifius ay and moreofer in the commentaries of Julius Cæsar himself who as
the ole orld knows was a most famous and a most faliant and a most wise and
a most prudent and a most fortunate cheiftan and a most renowned orator ay
and a most elegant writer to boot«
Peregrine did not think proper to enter the lists of dispute with three such
obstinate antagonists but contented himself with saying that he believed it
would be no difficult matter to impugn the arguments they had advanced though
he did not find himself at all disposed to undertake the task which must of
course break in upon the evenings entertainment He therefore invited the
Italian to supper and asked the same favour of his accuser who seemed to have
something curious and characteristic in his manner and disposition resolving to
make himself an eyewitness of those surprising feats which had given offence
to the choleric Briton This scrupulous gentleman thanked our hero for his
courtesy but declined communicating with the stranger until his character
should be further explained upon which his inviter after some conversation
with the charlatan assured him that he would himself undertake for the
innocence of his art and then he was prevailed upon to favour them with his
company
In the course of the conversation Peregrine learnt that the Welchman was a
surgeon of Canterbury who had been called in to a consultation at Dover and
understanding that his name was Morgan took the liberty of asking if he was not
the person so respectfully mentioned in the Adventures of Roderick Random Mr
Morgan assumed a look of gravity and importance at this interrogation and
screwing up his mouth answered »Mr Rantum my goot sir I believe upon my
conscience and salfation is my very goot frient and wellwisher and he and I
have been companions and messmates and fellowsufferers look you but
nevertheless for all that peradventure he hath not pehaved with so much
complaisance and affability and respect as I might have expected from him
pecause he hath revealed and tivulged and buplished our private affairs without
my knowledge and privity and consent but as God is my safiour I think he had
no evil intention in his pelly and though there be certain persons look you
who as I am told take upon them to laugh at his descriptions of my person
deportment and conversation I do affirm and maintain and insist with my heart
and my plood and my soul that those persons are no petter than ignorant asses
and that they know not how to discern and distinguish and define true ridicule
or as Aristotle calls it the to geloion no more look you than a herd of
mountain goats for I will make pold to observe and I hope this goot company
will be of the same opinion that there is nothing said of me in that
performance which is unworthy of a christian and a shentleman«
Our young gentleman and his friends acquiesced in the justness of his
observation and Peregrine particularly assured him that from reading the book
he had conceived the utmost regard and veneration for his character and that he
thought himself extremely fortunate in having this opportunity of enjoying his
conversation Morgan not a little proud of such advances from a person of
Peregrines appearance returned the compliment with a profusion of civility
and in the warmth of acknowledgement expressed a desire of seeing him and his
company at his house in Canterbury »I will not pretend or presume kind sir
said he to entertain you according to your merits and deserts but you shall
be as welcome to my poor cottage and my wife and family as the Prince of Wales
himself and it shall go hard if one way or other I do not find ways and means
of making you confess that there is some goot fellowship in an ancient Priton
for though I am no petter than a simple apothecary I have as goot plood
circulating in my veins as any he in the county and I can describe and
delineate and demonstrate my pedigree to the satisfaction of the ole orld and
moreofer by Gots goot providence and assistance I can afford to treat my
friend with a joint of goot mutton and a pottle of excellent wine and no
tradesman can peard me with a bill« He was congratulated on his happy
situation and assured that our youth would visit him on his return from France
provided he should take Canterbury in his route and as Peregrine manifested an
inclination of being acquainted with the state of his affairs he very
complaisantly satisfied his curiosity by giving him to know that his spouse had
left off breeding after having blessed him with two boys and a girl who were
still alive and well that he lived in good esteem with his neighbours and by
his practice which was considerably extended immediately after the publication
of Roderick Random had saved some thousand pounds and begun to think of
retiring among his own relations in Glamorganshire where he had already pitched
upon a spot for his residence though his wife had made objections to this
proposal and opposed the execution of it with such obstinacy that he had been
at infinite pains in asserting his own prerogative by convincing her both from
reason and example that he was king and priest in his own family and that she
owed the most implicit submission to his will he likewise informed the company
that he had lately seen his friend Roderick who had come from London on purpose
to visit him after having gained his lawsuit with Mr Topehall who was obliged
to pay Narcissas fortune that Mr Random in all appearance led a very happy
life in the conversation of his father and bedfellow by whom he enjoyed a son
and daughter and that Morgan had received in a present from him a piece of
very fine linnen of his wifes own making several kits of salmon and two casks
of pickled pork the most delicate he had ever tasted together with a barrel of
excellent herrings for salmagundy which he knew to be his favourite dish
This topick of conversation being discussed the Italian was desired to
exhibit a specimen of his art and in a few minutes conducted the company into
the next room where to their great astonishment and affright they beheld a
thousand serpents winding along the cieling Morgan struck with this phænomenon
which he had not seen before began to utter exorcisms with great devotion Mr
Jolter ran terrified out of the room Gauntlet drew his hanger and Peregrine
himself was disconcerted The operator perceiving their confusion desired them
to retire and calling them back in an instant there was not a viper to be
seen He raised their admiration by sundry other performances and the
Welchmans former opinion and abhorrence of his character began to recur when
in consideration of the civility with which he had been treated this Italian
imparted to them all the methods by which he had acted such wonders that were
no other than the effects of natural causes curiously combined so that Morgan
became a convert to his skill asked pardon for the suspicion he had
entertained and invited the stranger to pass a few days with him at Canterbury
The scruples of Godfrey and Jolter were removed at the same time and Peregrine
testified his satisfaction by an handsome gratuity which he bestowed upon their
entertainer
The evening being spent in this sociable manner every man retired to his
respective chamber and next morning they breakfasted together when Morgan
declared he would stay till he should see our hero fairly embarked that he
might have the pleasure of Mr Gauntlets company to his own habitation mean
while by the skippers advice the servants were ordered to carry a store of
wine and provision on board in case of accident and as the packetboat could
not sail before one oclock the company walked up hill to visit the castle
where they saw the sword of Julius Cæsar and Queen Elizabeths pocket pistol
repeated Shakespears description while they surveyed the chalky cliffs on each
side and cast their eyes towards the city of Calais that was obscured by a
thick cloud which did not much regale their eyesight because it seemed to
portend foul weather
Having viewed every thing remarkable in this place they returned to the
pier where after the compliments of parting and an affectionate embrace
between the two young gentlemen Peregrine and his governor stept on board the
sails were hoisted and they went to sea with a fair wind while Godfrey Morgan
and the conjurer walked back to the inn from whence they set out for Canterbury
before dinner
Chapter XXXIX
He embarks for France is overtaken by a Storm is surprised with the Appearance
of Pipes lands at Calais and has an Affair with the Officers of the
Customhouse
Scarce had the vessel proceeded two leagues on the passage when the wind
shifting blew directly in their teeth so that they were obliged to haul upon a
wind and alter their course and the sea running pretty high at the same time
our hero who was below in his cabbin began to be squeamish and in consequence
of the skippers advice went upon deck for the comfort of his stomach while
the governor experienced in these disasters slipt into bed where he lay at
his ease amusing himself with a treatise on the Cycloid with algebraical
demonstrations which never failed to engage his imagination in the most
agreeable manner
In the mean time the wind increased to a very hard gale the vessel pitched
with great violence the sea washed over the decks the master was alarmed the
crew were confounded the passengers were overwhelmed with sickness and fear
and universal distraction ensued In the midst of this uproar Peregrine holding
fast by the taffril and looking ruefully ahead the countenance of Pipes
presented itself to his astonished view rising as it were from the hold of the
ship At first he imagined it was a fearformed shadow of his own brain though
he did not long remain in this error but plainly perceived that it was no other
than the real person of Thomas who jumping on the quarterdeck took charge of
the helm and dictated to the sailors with as much authority as if he had been
commander of the ship The skipper looked upon him as an angel sent to his
assistance and the crew soon discovering him to be a thoroughbred seaman
notwithstanding his liveryfrock obeyed his orders with such alacrity that in a
little time the confusion vanished and every necessary step taken to weather
the gale
Our young gentleman immediately conceived the meaning of Toms appearance on
board and when the tumult was a little subsided went up and encouraged him to
exert himself for the preservation of the ship promising to take him again into
his service from which he should never be dismissed except by his own desire
This assurance had a surprising effect upon Pipes who though he made no manner
of reply thrust the helm into the masters hand saying »Here you old
bumboat woman take hold of the tiller and keep her thus boy thus« and
skipped about the vessel trimming the sails and managing the ropes with such
agility and skill that every body on deck stood amazed at his dexterity
Mr Jolter was far from being unconcerned at the uncommon motion of the
vessel the singing of the wind and the uproar which he heard above him he
looked towards the cabbindoor with the most wishful expectation in hope of
seeing some person who could give some account of the weather and what was
doing upon deck but not a soul appeared and he was too well acquainted with
the disposition of his own bowels to alter his own attitude in the least When
he had lain a good while in all the agony of suspence the boy tumbled headlong
into his apartment with such noisy ruin that he believed the mast had gone by
the board and starting upright in his bed asked with all the symptoms of
horror what was the cause of that disturbance The boy half stunned by his
fall answered in a dolorous tone »Im come to put up the deadlights« At the
mention of deadlights the meaning of which he did not understand the poor
governors heart died within him he shivered with despair and his recollection
forsaking him he fell upon his knees in the bed and fixing his eyes upon the
book which was in his hand began to pronounce aloud with great fervor »The
time of a compleat oscillation in the cycloid is to the time in which a body
would fall through the axis of the cycloid DV as the circumference of a circle
to its diameter « He would in all likelihood have proceeded with the
demonstration of this proposition had he not been seized with such a qualm as
compelled him to drop the book and accommodate himself to the emergency of his
distemper he therefore stretched himself at full length and putting up
ejaculations to heaven began to prepare himself for his latter end when all of
a sudden the noise above was intermitted and as he could not conceive the cause
of this tremendous silence he imagined that either the men were washed
overboard or that despairing of safety they had ceased to oppose the tempest
While he was harrowed by this miserable incertainty which however was not
altogether unenlightened by some scattered rays of hope the master entered the
cabbin and he asked with a voice half extinguished by fear how matters went
upon deck The skipper with a large bottle of brandy applied to his mouth
answered in a hollow tone »Alls over now master« Upon which Mr Jolter
giving himself over for lost exclaimed with the utmost horror »Lord have mercy
upon us Christ have mercy upon us« and repeated this supplication as it were
mechanically until the master undeceived him by explaining the meaning of what
he had said and assuring him that the squall was over
Such a sudden transition from fear to joy occasioned a violent agitation
both in his mind and body and it was a full quarter of an hour before he
recovered the right use of his organs By this time the weather cleared up the
wind began to blow again from the right corner and the spires of Calais
appeared at the distance of five leagues so that the countenances of all on
board were lighted up with joyous expectation and Peregrine venturing to go
down into the cabbin comforted his governor with an account of the happy turn
of their affairs
Jolter transported with the thought of a speedy landing began to launch
out in praise of that country for which they were bound He observed that
France was the land of politeness and hospitality which were conspicuous in the
behaviour of all ranks and degrees from the peer to the peasant that a
gentleman and a foreigner far from being insulted and imposed upon by the lower
class of people as in England was treated with the utmost reverence candour
and respect that their fields were fertile their climate pure and healthy
their farmers rich and industrious and the subjects in general the happiest of
men He would have prosecuted this favourite theme still farther had not his
pupil been obliged to run upon deck in consequence of certain warnings he
received from his stomach
The skipper seeing his condition very honestly reminded him of the cold ham
and fowls with a basket of wine which he had ordered to be sent on board and
asked if he would have the cloth laid below He could not have chosen a more
seasonable opportunity of manifesting his own disinterestedness Peregrine made
wry faces at the mention of food bidding him for Christs sake talk no more
on that subject He then descended into the cabbin and put the same question to
Mr Jolter who he knew entertained the same abhorrence for his proposal and
meeting with the like reception from him went between decks and repeated his
courteous proffer to the valet de chambre and lacquey who lay sprawling in all
the pangs of a double evacuation and rejected his civility with the most
horrible loathing Thus baffled in all his kind endeavours he ordered his boy
to secure the provision in one of his own lockers according to the custom of
the ship and he would have enjoyed a pretty comfortable booty had not Pipes
interposed and divided the store among the sailors who he thought were most
deserving of such indulgence so that the skipper had the mortification of
seeing his plan miscarry by his own precipitate conduct for had he held his
tongue no body would have dreamt of asking for the provision and he would have
possessed his prize in peace
It being low water when they arrived on the French coast the vessel could
not enter the harbour and they were obliged to bring to and wait for a boat
which in less than half an hour came alongside from the shore Mr Jolter now
came upon deck and snuffing up the French air with symptoms of infinite
satisfaction asked of the boatmen with the friendly appellation of Mes enfans
what they must have for transporting them and their baggage to the pier But how
was he disconcerted when those polite candid reasonable watermen demanded a
Louis dor for that service Peregrine with a sarcastic sneer observed that
he already began to perceive the justice of his encomiums on the French and the
disappointed governor could say nothing in his own vindication but that they
were debauched by their intercourse with the inhabitants of Dover His pupil
however was so much offended at their extortion that he absolutely refused to
employ them even when they abated one half in their demand and swore he would
stay on board till the packet should be able to enter the harbour rather than
encourage such imposition
The master who in all probability had some sort of fellowfeeling with the
boatmen in vain represented that he could not with safety lie to or anchor
upon a leeshore our hero having consulted Pipes answered that he had hired
his vessel to transport him to Calais and that he would oblige him to perform
what he had undertaken
The skipper very much mortified at this peremptory reply which was not
over and above agreeable to Mr Jolter dismissed the boat notwithstanding the
sollicitations and condescension of the watermen who promised to submit to the
generosity of their employer and running a little farther inshore came to an
anchor and waited till there was water enough to float them over the bar Then
they stood in to the harbour and our gentleman with his attendants and
baggage were landed on the pier by the sailors whom he liberally rewarded for
their trouble
He was immediately plied by a great number of porters who like so many
hungry wolves laid hold on his luggage and began to carry it off piecemeal
without his order or direction Incensed at this officious insolence he
commanded them to desist with many oaths and opprobrious terms that his anger
suggested and perceiving that one of them did not seem to pay any regard to
what he said but marched off with his burthen he snatched a cudgel out of his
lacqueys hand and overtaking the fellow in a twinkling brought him to the
ground with one blow He was instantly surrounded by the whole congregation of
this canaille who resented the injury which their brother had sustained and
would have taken immediate satisfaction of the aggressor had not Pipes seeing
his master involved brought the whole crew to his assistance and exerted
himself so manfully that the enemy were obliged to retreat with many marks of
defeat and menaces of interesting the commandant in their quarrel Jolter who
knew and dreaded the power of the French governor began to shake with
apprehension when he heard their repeated threats but they durst not apply to
this magistrate who upon a fair representation of the case would have
punished them severely for their rapacious and insolent behaviour and
Peregrine without farther molestation availed himself of his own attendants
who shouldered his baggage and followed him to the gate where they were stopt
by the centinels until their names should be registered
Mr Jolter who had undergone this examination before resolved to profit by
his experience and cunningly represented his pupil as a young English lord
This intimation supported by the appearance of his equipage was no sooner
communicated to the officer than he turned out the guard and ordered his
soldiers to rest upon their arms while his lordship passed in great state to
the Lion dArgent where he took up his lodging for the night resolving to set
out for Paris next morning in a postchaise
The governor triumphed greatly in this piece of complaisance and respect
with which they had been honoured and resumed his beloved topic of discourse
in applauding the method and subordination of the French government which was
better calculated for maintaining order and protecting the people than any
constitution upon earth and of their courteous attention to strangers there
needed no other proof than the compliment which had been paid to them together
with the governors connivance at Peregrines employing his own servants in
carrying the baggage to the inn contrary to the privilege of the inhabitants
While he expatiated with a remarkable degree of selfindulgence on this
subject the valet de chambre coming into the room interrupted his harangue by
telling his master that their trunks and portmanteaus must be carried to the
customhouse in order to be searched and sealed with lead which must remain
untouched until their arrival at Paris
Peregrine made no objection to this practice which was in itself reasonable
enough but when he understood that the gate was besieged by another multitude
of porters who insisted upon their right of carrying the goods and also of
fixing their own price he absolutely refused to comply with their demand and
chastising some of the most clamorous among them with his foot told them that
if their customhouse officers had a mind to examine his baggage they might
come to the inn for that purpose The valet de chambre was abashed at this
boldness of his masters behaviour which the lacquey shrugging up his
shoulders observed was bien a lAngloise while the governor represented it as
an indignity to the whole nation and endeavoured to persuade his pupil to
comply with the custom of the place But Peregrines natural haughtiness of
disposition hindered him from giving ear to Jolters wholesome advice and in
less than half an hour they perceived a file of musqueteers marching up to the
gate At sight of this detachment the tutor trembled the valet grew pale and
the lacquey crossed himself but our hero without exhibiting any other symptoms
than those of indignation met them on the threshold and with a ferocious air
demanded their business The corporal who commanded the file answered with great
deliberation that he had orders to convey his baggage to the customhouse and
seeing the trunks standing in the entry placed his men between them and the
owner while the porters that followed took them up and proceeded to the
Douane without opposition
Pickle was not mad enough to dispute the authority of this message but in
order to gall and specify his contempt for those who brought it he called
aloud to his valet desiring him in French to accompany his things and see
that none of his linen and effects should be stolen by the searchers The
corporal mortified at this satirical insinuation darted a look of resentment
at the author as if he had been interested for the glory of his nation and
told him that he could perceive he was a stranger in France or else he would
have saved himself the trouble of such a needless precaution Indeed this
expression had no sooner escaped our young gentleman than he was ashamed of his
own petulance for nothing was farther from his principles than the least
encouragement of ungenerous suspicion
Chapter XL
He makes a fruitless Attempt in Gallantry departs for Boulogne where he spends
the Evening with certain English Exiles
Having thus yielded to the hand of power he inquired if there was any other
English company in the house and understanding that a gentleman and lady lodged
in the next apartment and had bespoke a postchaise for Paris he ordered Pipes
to ingratiate himself with their footman and if possible learn their names
and condition while he and Mr Jolter attended by the lacquey took a turn
round the ramparts and viewed the particulars of the fortification
Tom was so very successful in his inquiry that when his master returned he
was able to give him a very satisfactory account of his fellowlodgers in
consequence of having treated his brother with a bottle of wine The people in
question were a gentleman and his lady lately arrived from England in their
way to Paris The husband was a man of good fortune who had been a libertine in
his youth and a professed declaimer against matrimony He neither wanted sense
nor experience and piqued himself in particular upon his art in avoiding the
snares of the female sex in which he pretended to be deeply versed But
notwithstanding all his caution and skill he had lately fallen a sacrifice to
the attractions of an oysterwench who had found means to decoy him into the
bands of wedlock and in order to evade the compliments and congratulations of
his friends and acquaintance he had come so far on a tour to Paris where he
intended to initiate his spouse in the beaumonde though in the mean time he
chose to live upon the reserve because her natural talents had as yet received
but little cultivation and he had not the most implicit confidence in her
virtue and discretion which it seems had like to have yielded to the
addresses of an officer at Canterbury who had made shift to insinuate himself
into her acquaintance and favour
Peregrines curiosity being inflamed by this information he lounged about
the yard in hopes of seeing the Dulcinea who had captivated the old batchelor
and at length observing her at a window took the liberty of bowing to her with
great respect She returned the compliment with a curtsie and appeared so
decent in her dress and manner that unless he had been previously informed of
her former life and conversation he never would have dreamt that her education
was different from that of other ladies of fashion so easy it is to acquire
that external deportment on which people of condition value themselves so much
Not but that Mr Pickle pretended to distinguish a certain vulgar audacity in
her countenance which in a lady of birth and fortune would have passed for an
agreeable vivacity that enlivens the aspect and gives a poignancy to every
feature but as she possessed a pair of fine eyes and a clear complexion
overspread with the glow of health which never fails of recommending the owner
he could not help gazing at her with desire and forming the design of making a
conquest of her heart With this view he sent his compliments to her husband
whose name was Hornbeck with an intimation that he proposed to set out next
day for Paris and as he understood that he was resolved upon the same journey
he should be extremely glad of his company on the road if he was not better
engaged Hornbeck who in all probability did not chuse to accommodate his wife
with a squire of our heros appearance sent a civil answer to his message
professing infinite mortification at his being unable to embrace the favour of
his kind offer by reason of the indisposition of his wife who he was afraid
would not be in a condition for some days to bear the fatigue of travelling
This rebuff which Peregrine ascribed to the husbands jealousy stifled his
project in embrio he ordered his French servant to take a place for himself in
the Diligence where all his luggage was stowed except a small trunk with some
linen and other necessaries that was fixed upon the postchaise which they hired
of the landlord and early next morning he and Mr Jolter departed from Calais
attended by his valet de chambre and Pipes on horseback They proceeded without
any accident as far as Boulogne where they breakfasted and visited old father
Graham a Scottish gentleman of the governors acquaintance who had lived as a
capuchin in that place for the space of threescore years and during that period
conformed to all the austerities of the order with the most rigorous exactness
being equally remarkable for the frankness of his conversation the humanity of
his disposition and the simplicity of his manners From Boulogne they took
their departure about noon and as they proposed to sleep that night at Abbe
Ville commanded the postilion to drive with extraordinary speed and perhaps it
was well for his cattle that the axletree gave way and the chaise of course
overturned before they had travelled one third part of the stage
This accident compelled them to return to the place from whence they had set
out and as they could not procure another convenience they found themselves
under the necessity of staying till their chaise could be refitted
Understanding that this operation would detain them a whole day our young
gentleman had recourse to his patience and demanded to know what they could
have for dinner the garçon or waiter thus questioned vanished in a moment
and immediately they were surprized with the appearance of a strange figure
which from the extravagance of its dress and gesticulation Peregrine mistook
for a madman of the growth of France This phantome which by the bye happened
to be no other than the cook was a tall longlegged meagre swarthy fellow
that stooped very much his cheekbones were remarkably raised his nose bent
into the shape and size of a powderhorn and the sockets of his eyes as raw
round the edges as if the skin had been pared off on his head he wore an
handkerchief which had once been white and now served to cover the upper part
of a black periwig to which was attached a bag at least a foot square with a
solitaire and rose that stuck up on each side to his ear so that he looked like
a criminal in the pillory his back was accommodated with a linnen waistcoat
his hands adorned with long ruffles of the same piece his middle was girded by
an apron tucked up that it might not conceal his white silk stockings rolled
and at his entrance he brandished a bloody weapon full three feet in length
Peregrine when he first saw him approach in this menacing attitude put himself
upon his guard but being informed of his quality perused his list and having
bespoke three or four things for dinner walked out with Mr Jolter to view both
towns which they had not leisure to consider minutely before In their return
from the harbour they met with four or five gentlemen all of whom seemed to
look with an air of dejection and perceiving our hero and his governor to be
English by their dress bowed with great respect as they passed Pickle who was
naturally compassionate felt an emotion of sympathy and seeing a person who
by his habit he judged to be one of their servants accosted him in English and
asked who the gentlemen were The lacquey gave him to understand that they were
his own countrymen exiled from their native homes in consequence of their
adherence to an unfortunate and ruined cause and that they were gone to the
seaside according to their daily practice in order to indulge their longing
eyes with a prospect of the white cliffs of Albion which they must never more
approach
Though our young gentleman differed widely from them in point of political
principles he was not one of those enthusiasts who look upon every schism from
the established articles of faith as damnable and exclude the sceptick from
every benefit of humanity and christian forgiveness he could easily comprehend
how a man of the most unblemished morals might by the prejudice of education
or indispensible attachments be ingaged in such a blameworthy and pernicious
undertaking and thought that they had already suffered severely for their
imprudence He was affected with the account of their diurnal pilgrimage to the
seaside which he considered as a pathetic proof of their affliction and
invested Mr Jolter with the agreeable office of going to them with a compliment
in his name and begging the honour of drinking a glass with them in the
evening They accepted the proposal with great satisfaction and respectful
acknowledgement and in the afternoon waited upon the kind inviter who treated
them with coffee and would have detained them to supper but they intreated the
favour of his company at the house which they frequented so earnestly that he
yielded to their solicitations and with his governor was conducted by them to
the place where they had provided an elegant repast and regaled them with some
of the best claret in France
It was easy for them to perceive that their principal guest was no favourer
of their state maxims and therefore they industriously avoided every subject of
conversation which could give the least offence not but that they lamented
their own situation which cut them off from all their dearest connexions and
doomed them to perpetual banishment from their families and friends but they
did not even by the most distant hint impeach the justice of that sentence by
which they were condemned although one among them who seemed to be about the
age of thirty wept bitterly over his misfortune which had involved a beloved
wife and three children in misery and distress and in the impatience of his
grief cursed his own fate with frantic imprecations His companions with a
view of beguiling his sorrow and manifesting their own hospitality at the same
time changed the topic of discourse and circulated the bumpers with great
assiduity so that all their cares were overwhelmed and forgotten several
French drinking catches were sung and mirth and good fellowship prevailed
In the midst of this elevation which commonly unlocks the most hidden
sentiment and dispels every consideration of caution and constraint one of the
entertainers being more intoxicated than his fellows proposed a toast to which
Peregrine with some warmth excepted as an unmannerly insult The other
maintained his proposition with indecent heat and the dispute beginning to grow
very serious the company interposed and gave judgment against their friend
who was so keenly reproached and rebuked for his impolite behaviour by the
gentleman whose sensibility hath been mentioned that he retired in high
dudgeon threatening to relinquish their society and branding them with the
appellation of apostates from the common cause Mortified at the behaviour of
their companion those that remained were earnest in their apologies to their
guests whom they besought to forgive his intemperance assuring them with great
confidence that he would upon the recovery of his reflection wait upon them in
person and ask pardon for the umbrage he had given Pickle was satisfied with
their remonstrances resumed his good humour and the night being pretty far
advanced resisted all their importunities with which he was intreated to see
another bottle go round and was escorted to his own lodgings more than half
seas over Next morning about eight oclock he was waked by his valet de
chambre who told him that two of the gentlemen with whom he had spent the
evening were in the house and desired the favour of being admitted into his
chamber He could not conceive the meaning of this extraordinary visit and
ordering his man to shew them into his apartment beheld the person who had
affronted him enter with the gentleman who had reprehended his rudeness
He who had given the offence after having made an apology for disturbing
Mr Pickle told him that his friend there present had been with him early that
morning and proposed the alternative of either fighting with him immediately
or coming to beg pardon for his unmannerly deportment over night that though he
had courage enough to face any man in the field in a righteous cause he was not
so brutal as to disobey the dictates of his own duty and reflection in
consequence of which and not out of any regard to the others menaces which he
despised he had now taken the liberty of interrupting his repose that he might
as soon as possible atone for the injury he had done him which he protested
was the effect of intoxication alone and begged his forgiveness accordingly
Our hero accepted of this acknowledgment very graciously thanked the other
gentleman for the gallant part he had acted in his behalf and perceiving that
his companion was a little irritated at his officious interposition effected a
reconciliation by convincing him that what he had done was for the honour of
the company He then kept them to breakfast expressed a desire of seeing their
situation altered for the better and the chaise being repaired took his leave
of his entertainers who came to wish him a good journey and with his
attendants left Boulogne for the second time
Chapter XLI
Proceeds for the Capital Takes up his Lodging at Bernay where he is overtaken
by Mr Hornbeck whose Head he longs to fortify
During this days expedition Mr Jolter took an opportunity of imparting to his
pupil the remarks he had made upon the industry of the French as an undeniable
proof of which he bad him cast his eyes around and observe with what care every
spot of ground was cultivated and from the fertility of that province which is
reckoned the poorest in France conceive the wealth and affluence of the nation
in general Peregrine amazed as well as disgusted at this infatuation answered
that what he ascribed to industry was the effect of meer wretchedness the
miserable peasants being obliged to plough up every inch of ground to satisfy
their oppressive landlords while they themselves and their cattle looked like
so many images of famine that their extreme poverty was evident from the face
of the country on which there was not one inclosure to be seen or any other
object except scanty crops of barley and oats which could never reward the
toil of the husbandman that their habitations were no better than paultry huts
that in twenty miles of extent not one gentlemans house appeared that nothing
was more abject and forlorn than the attire of their country people and lastly
that the equipage of their travelling chaises was infinitely inferior to that of
a dungcart in England and that the postilion who then drove their carriage
had neither stockings to his legs nor a shirt to his back
The governor finding his charge so intractable resolved to leave him in the
mist of his own ignorance and prejudice and reserve his observations for those
who would pay more deference to his opinion and indeed this resolution he had
often made and as often broke in the transports of his zeal that frequently
hurried him out of the plan of conduct which in his cooler moments he had laid
down They halted for a refreshment at Montreuil and about eight in the evening
arrived at a village called Bernay where while they waited for fresh horses
they were informed by the landlord that the gates of Abbe Ville were shut every
night punctually at nine oclock so that it would be impossible for them to get
admittance and that there was not another place of entertainment on the road
where they could pass the night he therefore as a friend advised them to stay
at his house where they would find the best of accommodation and proceed upon
their journey by times in the morning
Mr Jolter though he had travelled on that road before could not recollect
whether or not mine host spoke truth but his remonstrance being very plausible
our hero determined to follow his advice and being conducted into an apartment
asked what they could have for supper The landlord mentioned every thing that
was eatable in the house and the whole being ingrossed for the use of him and
his attendants he amused himself till such time as it could be dressed in
conversing with the daughter who was a sprightly damsel about the age of
seventeen and in strolling about the house which stands in a very rural
situation While he thus loitered away the time that hung heavy on his hands
another chaise arrived at the inn and upon inquiry he found that the new comers
were Mr Hornbeck and his lady The landlord conscious of his inability to
entertain this second company came and begged with great humiliation that Mr
Pickle would spare them some part of the victuals he had bespoke but he refused
to part with so much as the wing of a partridge though at the same time he sent
his compliments to the strangers and giving them to understand how ill the
house was provided for their reception invited them to partake of his supper
Mr Hornbeck who was not deficient in point of politeness and extremely well
disposed for a relishing meal which he had reason to expect from the savoury
steam that issued from the kitchen could not resist this second instance of our
young gentlemans civility which he acknowledged by a message importing that
he and his wife would do themselves the pleasure of profiting by his courteous
offer Peregrines cheeks glowed when he found himself on the eve of being
acquainted with Mrs Hornbeck of whose heart he had already made a conquest in
imagination and he forthwith set his invention at work to contrive some means
of defeating her husbands vigilance
When supper was ready he in person gave notice to his guests and leading
the lady into his apartment seated her in an elbow chair at the upper end of
the table squeezing her hand and darting a most insidious glance at the same
time This abrupt behaviour he practised on the presumption that a lady of her
breeding was not to be addressed with the tedious forms that must be observed in
ones advances to a person of birth and genteel education and in all
probability his calculation was just for Mrs Hornbeck gave no signs of
discontent at this sort of treatment but on the contrary seemed to consider it
as a proof of the young gentlemans regard and though she did not venture to
open her mouth three times during the whole repast she shewed herself
particularly well satisfied with her entertainer by sundry sly and significant
looks while her husbands eyes were directed another way and divers loud peals
of laughter signifying her approbation of the sallies which he uttered in the
course of their conversation Her spouse began to be very uneasy at the frank
demeanour of his yokefellow whom he endeavoured to check in her vivacity by
assuming a severity of aspect but whether she obeyed the dictates of her own
disposition which perhaps was merry and unreserved or wanted to punish Mr
Hornbeck for his jealousy of temper certain it is her gaiety increased to such
a degree that her husband was grievously alarmed and incensed at her conduct
and resolved to make her sensible of his displeasure by treading in secret upon
her toes He was however so disconcerted by his indignation that he mistook
his mark and applied the sharp heel of his shoe to the side of Mr Jolters
foot comprehending his little toe that was studded with an angry corn which he
invaded with such a sudden jerk that the governor unable to endure the torture
in silence started up and dancing on the floor roared hideously with repeated
bellowings to the unspeakable enjoyment of Peregrine and the lady who laughed
themselves almost into convulsions at the joke Hornbeck confounded at the
mistake he had committed begged pardon of the injured tutor with great
contrition protesting that the blow he had so unfortunately received was
intended for an ugly cur which he thought had posted himself under the table
It was lucky for him that there was actually a dog in the room to justify this
excuse which Jolter admitted with the tears running over his cheeks and the
oeconomy of the table was recomposed
As soon however as the strangers could with decency withdraw this
suspicious husband took his leave of the youth on pretence of being fatigued
with his journey after having by way of compliment proposed that they should
travel together next day and Peregrine handed the lady to her chamber where he
wished her good night with another warm squeeze which she returned This
favourable hint made his heart bound with a transport of joy he lay in wait for
an opportunity of declaring himself and seeing the husband go down into the
yard with a candle he glided softly into his apartment and found her almost
undressed Impelled by the impetuosity of his passion which was still more
inflamed by her present luscious appearance and encouraged by the approbation
she had already expressed he ran towards her with eagerness crying »Zounds
madam your charms are irresistible« and without further ceremony would have
clasped her in his arms had not she begged him for the love of God to retire
for should Mr Hornbeck return and find him there she would be undone for ever
He was not so blinded by his passion but that he saw the reasonableness of her
fear and as he could not pretend to crown his wishes at that interview he
avowed himself her lover assured her that he would exhaust his whole invention
in finding a proper opportunity for throwing himself at her feet and in the
mean time he ravished sundry small favours which she in the hurry of her fright
could not withhold from his impudence of address Having thus happily settled
the preliminaries he withdrew to his own chamber and spent the whole night in
contriving stratagems to elude the jealous caution of his fellowtraveller
Chapter XLII
They set out in Company breakfast at Abbe Ville dine at Amiens and about
Eleven Oclock arrive at Chantilly where Peregrine executes a Plan which he had
concerted upon Hornbeck
The whole company by agreement rose and departed before day and breakfasted at
Abbe Ville where they became acquainted with the finesse of their Bernay
landlord who had imposed upon them in affirming that they would not have been
admitted after the gates were shut From thence they proceeded to Amiens where
they dined and were pestered by begging friars and the roads being deep it was
eleven oclock at night before they reached Chantilly where they found supper
already dressed in consequence of having dispatched the valet de chambre before
them on horseback
The constitution of Hornbeck being very much impaired by a life of
irregularity he found himself so fatigued with this days journey which
amounted to upwards of an hundred miles that when he sat down at table he
could scarce sit upright and in less than three minutes began to nod in his
chair Peregrine who had foreseen and provided for this occasion advised him
to exhilarate his spirits with a glass of wine and the proposal being embraced
tipt his valet de chambre the wink who according to the instructions he had
received qualified the Burgundy with thirty drops of laudanum which this
unfortunate husband swallowed in one glass The dose cooperating with his
former drowsiness lulled him so fast asleep as it were instantaneously that
it was found necessary to convey him to his own chamber where his footman
undressed and put him to bed Nor was Jolter naturally of a sluggish
disposition able to resist his propensity to sleep without suffering divers
dreadful yawns which encouraged his pupil to administer the same dose to him
which had operated so successfully upon the other Argus This cordial had not
such a gentle effect upon the rugged organs of Jolter as upon the more delicate
nerves of Hornbeck but discovered itself in certain involuntary startings and
convulsive motions in the muscles of his face and when his nature at length
yielded to the power of this medicine he sounded the trumpet so loud through
his nostrils that our adventurer was afraid the noise would awake his other
patient and consequently prevent the accomplishment of his aim The governor
was therefore committed to the care of Pipes who lugged him into the next room
and having stripped off his cloaths tumbled him into his nest while the two
lovers remained at full liberty to indulge their mutual passion
Peregrine in the impatience of his inclination would have finished the
fate of Hornbeck immediately but his inamorata disapproved of his intention
and represented that their being together by themselves for any length of time
would be observed by her servant who was kept as a spy upon her actions so
that they had recourse to another scheme which was executed in this manner He
conducted her into her own apartment in presence of her footman who lighted
them thither and wishing her good rest returned to his own chamber where he
waited till every thing was quiet in the house and then stealing softly to her
door which had been left open for his admission in the dark he found the
husband still secure in the embraces of sleep and the lady in a loose gown
ready to seal his happiness He seized opportunity by the forelock and bearing
her in his arms to the place from whence he came she was revenged upon the
cuckold for the uneasy life he had made her lead and our hero enjoyed the
luscious fruits of his conquest
Their guilty raptures however were not without allay The opium which had
been given to Jolter together with the wine he had drank produced such a
perturbation in his fancy that he was visited with horrible dreams and among
other miserable situations imagined himself in danger of perishing in the
flames which he thought had taken hold on his apartment This vision made such
an impression upon his faculties that he alarmed the whole house with the
repeated cries of Fire Fire and even leaped out of his bed though he still
remained fast asleep The lovers were very disagreeably disturbed by this
dreadful exclamation and Mrs Hornbeck running in great confusion to the door
had the mortification to see the footman with a light in his hand enter her
husbands chamber in order to give them notice of this accident She knew that
she would be instantly missed and could easily divine the consequence unless
her invention could immediately trump up some plausible excuse for her absence
Women are naturally fruitful of expedients in cases of such emergency she
employed but a few seconds in recollection and rushing directly towards the
apartment of the governor who still continued to hollow in the same note
exclaimed in a screaming tone »Lord have mercy upon us where where« By this
time all the servants were assembled in strange attire Peregrine slipt on his
breeches burst into Jolters room and seeing him stalking in his shirt with
his eyes shut bestowed such a slap upon his buttocks as in a moment dissolved
his dream and restored him to the use of his senses He was astonished and
ashamed at being discovered in such an indecent attitude and taking refuge
under the cloaths asked pardon of all present for the disturbance he had
occasioned solliciting with great humility the forgiveness of the lady who to
a miracle counterfeited the utmost agitation of terror and surprize Mean
while Hornbeck being awakened by the repeated efforts of his man no sooner
understood that his wife was missing than all the chimeras of jealousy taking
possession of his imagination he started up in a sort of frenzy and snatching
his sword flew straight to Peregrines chamber where though he found not that
which he looked for he unluckily perceived upon the bed an underpetticoat
which his wife had forgot in the hurry of her retreat This discovery added fuel
to the flame of his resentment He seized the fatal proof of his dishonour and
meeting his spouse in her return to bed presented it to her view saying with
a most expressive countenance »Madam you have dropped your underpetticoat in
the next room« Mrs Hornbeck who inherited from nature a most admirable
presence of mind looked earnestly at the object in question and with
incredible serenity of countenance affirmed that the petticoat must belong to
the house for she had none such in her possession Peregrine who walked behind
her hearing this asseveration immediately interposed and pulling Hornbeck by
the sleeve into his chamber »Gadszooks said he what business had you with
that petticoat Cant you let a young fellow enjoy a little amour with an
innkeepers daughter without exposing his infirmities to your wife Pshaw
thats so malicious because you have quitted these adventures yourself to
spoil the sport of other people« The poor husband was so confounded at the
effrontery of his wife and this cavalier declaration of the young man that his
faith began to waver he distrusted his own conscious diffidence of temper
which that he might not expose he expressed no doubts of Peregrines veracity
but asking pardon for the mistake he had committed retired with a grim look
not yet satisfied with the behaviour of his ingenious helpmate but on the
contrary determined to inquire more minutely into the circumstances of this
adventure which turned out so little to his satisfaction that he ordered his
servant to get every thing ready for his departure by break of day and when our
adventurer rose next morning he found that his fellowtravellers were gone
above three hours though they had agreed to stay all the forenoon with a view
of seeing the prince of Condes palace and to proceed all together for Paris in
the afternoon
Peregrine was a little chagrined when he understood that he was so suddenly
deprived of this almost untasted morsel and Jolter could not conceive the
meaning of their abrupt and uncivil disappearance which after many profound
conjectures he accounted for by supposing that Hornbeck was some sharper who
had run away with an heiress whom he found it necessary to conceal from the
inquiry of her friends
The pupil who was well assured of the true motive allowed his governor to
enjoy the triumph of his own penetration and consoled himself with the hope of
seeing his Dulcinea again at some of the public places in Paris which he
proposed to frequent Thus comforted he visited the magnificent stables and
palace of Chantilly and immediately after dinner set out for Paris where they
arrived in the evening and hired apartments at an hotel in the Fauxbourg St
Germaine not far from the playhouse
Chapter XLIII
He is involved in an Adventure at Paris and taken Prisoner by the Cityguard
Becomes acquainted with a French Nobleman who introduces him into the beau
monde
They were no sooner settled in these lodgings than our hero wrote to his uncle
an account of their safe arrival and sent another letter to his friend
Gauntlet with a very tender billet inclosed for his dear Emilia to whom he
repeated all his former vows of constancy and love
The next care that ingrossed him was that of bespeaking several suits of
cloaths suitable to the French mode and in the mean time he never appeared
abroad except in the English coffeehouse where he soon became acquainted with
some of his own countrymen who were at Paris on the same footing with himself
The third evening after his journey he was engaged in a party of those young
sparks at the house of a noted Traiteur whose wife was remarkably handsome
and otherwise extremely well qualified for alluring customers to her house To
this lady our young gentleman was introduced as a stranger fresh from England
and he was charmed with her personal accomplishments as well as with the
freedom and gaiety of her conversation having sat with them about an hour she
got up in order to retire but being earnestly intreated to favour them with her
company at supper she promised to gratify their desire and told them without
any ceremony or circumlocution that she would only step into the next room to
make water and return in an instant This frank declaration sounded so oddly in
the ears of Peregrine that he concluded he might without offence take any
sort of liberty with a woman who could thus behave so wide of decency and
decorum and on this supposition he followed her cavalierly to her closet
where he addressed her in such palpable terms as he thought her character
intitled him to use She was surprised at his confidence which she began to
rally as a specimen of English plain dealing while she very deliberately
executed in his presence the intent of her withdrawing and he still more
encouraged by this deportment urged his suit with such impetuosity that the
fair Burgeoise was compelled to cry aloud in defence of her own virtue Her
husband ran immediately to her assistance and finding her in a very alarming
situation flew upon her ravisher with such fury that he was fain to quit his
prey and turn against the exasperated Traiteur whom he punished without mercy
for his impudent intrusion The lady seeing her yokefellow treated with so
little respect espoused his cause and fixing her nails in his antagonists
face scarified all one side of his nose The noise of this encounter brought
all the servants of the house to the rescue of their master and Peregrines
company arriving at the same time a general battle ensued in which the French
were totally routed the wife being insulted and the husband kicked down
stairs
The publican enraged at the indignity which had been offered to him and his
family went out into the street and implored the protection of the guet or
cityguard which having heard his complaint fixed their bayonets and
surrounded the door to the number of twelve or fourteen The young gentlemen
flushed with their success and considering the soldiers as so many London
watchmen whom they had often put to flight drew their swords and sallied out
with Peregrine at their head Whether the guard respected them as foreigners or
inexperienced youths intoxicated with liquor they opened to right and left and
gave them room to pass without opposition This complaisance which was the
effect of compassion being misinterpreted by the English leader he out of meer
wantonness attempted to trip up the heels of the soldier that stood next him
but failed in the execution and received a blow on his breast with the butt end
of a fusil that made him stagger several paces backward Incensed at this
audacious application the whole company charged the detachment sword in hand
and after an obstinate engagement in which divers wounds were given and
received every soul of them was taken and conveyed to the mainguard where
the commanding officer being made acquainted with the circumstances of the
quarrel in consideration of their youth and national ferocity for which the
French make large allowances set them all at liberty after having gently
rebuked them for the irregularity and insolence of their conduct so that all
our hero acquired by his gallantry and courage was a number of scandalous marks
upon his visage that confined him a whole week to his chamber It was
impossible to conceal this disaster from Mr Jolter who having got intelligence
of the particulars did not fail to remonstrate against the rashness of the
adventure which he observed must have been fatal to them had their enemies
been other than Frenchmen who of all nations under the sun most rigorously
observe the laws of hospitality
As the governors acquaintance lay chiefly among Irish and English priests
and a set of low people who live by making themselves necessary to strangers
either in teaching the French language or executing small commissions with
which they are intrusted he was not the most proper person in the world for
regulating the taste of a young gentleman who travelled for improvement in
expectation of making a figure one day in his own country and being conscious
of his own incapacity he contented himself with the office of a steward and
kept a faithful account of all the money that was disbursed in the course of
their family expence not but that he was acquainted with all the places which
are visited by strangers on their first arrival at Paris and knew to a liard
what was commonly given to the Swiss of each remarkable hotel though with
respect to the curious painting and statuary that every where abound in that
metropolis he was more ignorant than the domestic that attends for a livre a
day
In short Mr Jolter could give a very good account of the stages on the
road and save the expence of Antoninis detail of the curiosities in Paris he
was a connoisseur in ordinaries from twelve to five and thirty livres knew all
the rates of a Fiacre and Remise could dispute with a Tailleur or Traiteur upon
the articles of his bill and scold the servants in tolerable French But the
laws customs and genius of the people the characters of individuals and
scenes of polished life were subjects which he had neither opportunities to
observe inclination to consider or discernment to distinguish All his maxims
were the suggestions of pedantry and prejudice so that his perception was
obscured his judgment biassed his address aukward and his conversation absurd
and unentertaining yet such as I have represented this tutor is the greatest
part of those animals who lead raw boys about the world under the denomination
of travelling governors Peregrine therefore being perfectly well acquainted
with the extent of Mr Jolters abilities never dreamt of consulting him in the
disposition of his conduct but parcelled out his time according to the dictates
of his own reflection and the information and direction of his companions who
had lived longer in France and consequently were better acquainted with the
pleasures of the place
As soon as he was in a condition to appear a la Françoise he hired a
genteel chariot by the month made the tour of the Luxembourg gallery Palais
Royal all the remarkable hotels churches and celebrated places in Paris
visited St Cloud Marli Versailles Trianon St Germain and Fountainbleau
enjoyed the opera masquerades Italian and French comedy and seldom failed of
appearing in the public walks in hopes of meeting with Mrs Hornbeck or some
adventure suited to his romantic disposition He never doubted that his person
would attract the notice of some distinguished inamorata and was vain enough to
believe that few female hearts were able to resist the artillery of his
accomplishments if once he had an opportunity of planting it to advantage He
presented himself however at all the Spectacles for many weeks without
reaping the fruits of his expectation and began to entertain a very indifferent
idea of the French discernment which had overlooked him so long when one day
in his way to the opera his chariot was stopped by an embarras in the street
occasioned by two peasants who having driven their carts against each other
quarrelled and went to loggerheads on the spot Such a rencounter is so
uncommon in France that the people shut up their shops and from their windows
threw cold water upon the combatants with a view of putting an end to the
battle which was maintained with great fury and very little skill until one of
them receiving an accidental fall the other took the advantage of this
misfortune and fastening upon him as he lay began to thump the pavement with
his head Our heros equipage being detained close by the field of this
contention Pipes could not bear to see the laws of boxing so scandalously
transgressed and leaping from his station pulled the offender from his
antagonist whom he raised up and in the English language encouraged to a
second essay instructing him at the same time by clenching his fists according
to art and putting himself in a proper attitude Thus confirmed the enraged
carman sprung upon his foe and in all appearance would have effectually
revenged the injury he had sustained if he had not been prevented by the
interposition of a lacquey belonging to a nobleman whose coach was obliged to
halt in consequence of the dispute This footman who was distinguished by a
cane descending from his post without the least ceremony or expostulation
began to employ his weapon upon the head and shoulders of the peasant who had
been patronized by Pipes upon which Thomas resenting such ungenerous
behaviour bestowed such a stomacher upon the officious intermeddler as
discomposed the whole oeconomy of his entrails and obliged him to discharge the
interjection »ah« with demonstrations of great anguish and amazement The other
two footmen who stood behind the coach seeing their fellowservant so
insolently assaulted flew to his assistance and rained a most disagreeable
shower upon the head of his aggressor who had no means of diversion or defence
Peregrine though he did not approve of Toms conduct could not bear to see him
so roughly handled especially as he thought his own honour concerned in the
fray and therefore quitting his machine came to the rescue of his attendant
and charged his adversaries sword in hand Two of them no sooner perceived this
reinforcement than they betook themselves to flight and Pipes having twisted
the cane out of the hands of the third belaboured him so unmercifully that our
hero thought proper to interpose his authority in his behalf The common people
stood aghast at this unprecedented boldness of Pickle who understanding that
the person whose servants he had disciplined was a general and prince of the
blood went up to the coach and asked pardon for what he had done imputing his
own behaviour to his ignorance of the others quality The old nobleman accepted
of his apology with great politeness thanking him for the trouble he had taken
to reform the manners of his domesticks and guessing from our youths
appearance that he was some stranger of condition very courteously invited him
into the coach on the supposition that they were both bound for the opera
Pickle gladly embraced this opportunity of becoming acquainted with a person of
such rank and ordering his own chariot to follow accompanied the count to his
loge where he conversed with him during the whole entertainment
He soon perceived that Peregrine was not deficient in spirit or sense and
seemed particularly pleased with his engaging manner and easy deportment
qualifications for which the English nation is by no means remarkable in France
and therefore the more conspicuous and agreeable in the character of our hero
whom the nobleman carried home that same evening and introduced to his lady
and several persons of fashion who supped at his house Peregrine was quite
captivated by their affable behaviour and the vivacity of their discourse and
after having been honoured with particular marks of consideration took his
leave fully determined to cultivate such a valuable acquaintance
His vanity suggested that now the time was come when he should profit by
his talents among the fair sex on whom he resolved to employ his utmost art and
address With this view he assiduously engaged in all parties to which he had
access by means of his noble friend who let slip no opportunity of gratifying
his ambition He for some time shared in all his amusements and was entertained
in many of the best families of France but he did not long enjoy that elevation
of hope which had flattered his imagination He soon perceived that it would be
impossible to maintain the honourable connexions he had made without engaging
every day at quadrille or in other words, losing his money for every person of
rank whether male or female was a professed gamester who knew and practised
all the finesse of the art of which he was intirely ignorant Besides he began
to find himself a meer novice in French gallantry which is supported by an
amazing volubility of tongue an obsequious and incredible attention to trifles
a surprising faculty of laughing out of pure complaisance and a nothingness of
conversation which he could never attain In short our hero who among his own
countrymen would have passed for a sprightly entertaining fellow was considered
in the brilliant assemblies of France as a youth of a very phlegmatic
disposition No wonder then that his pride was mortified at his own want of
importance which he did not fail to ascribe to their defect in point of
judgment and taste he conceived a disgust at the mercenary conduct as well as
the shallow intellects of the ladies and after he had spent some months and a
round sum of money in fruitless attendance and addresses he fairly quitted the
pursuit and consoled himself with the conversation of a merry Fille de joye
whose good graces he acquired by an allowance of twenty Louis per month and
that he might the more easily afford this expence dismissed his chariot and
French lacquey at the same time
He then entered himself in a noted academy in order to finish his
exercises and contracted an acquaintance with a few sensible people whom he
distinguished at the coffeehouse and ordinary to which he resorted and who
contributed not a little to the improvement of his knowledge and taste for
prejudice apart it must be owned that France abounds with men of consummate
honour profound sagacity and the most liberal education From the conversation
of such he obtained a distinct idea of their government and constitution and
though he could not help admiring the excellent order and oeconomy of their
police the result of all his inquiries was selfcongratulation on his title to
the privileges of a British subject Indeed this invaluable birthright was
rendered conspicuous by such flagrant occurrences which fell every day almost
under his observation that nothing but the grossest prejudice could dispute its
existence
Chapter XLIV
Acquires a distinct Idea of the French Government quarrels with a Mousquetaire
whom he afterwards fights and vanquishes after having punished him for
interfering in his amorous Recreations
Among many other instances of the same nature I believe it will not be amiss to
exhibit a few specimens of their administration which happened during his abode
at Paris that those who have not the opportunity of observing for themselves
or are in danger of being influenced by misrepresentation may compare their own
condition with that of their neighbours and do justice to the constitution
under which they live
A lady of distinguished character having been lampooned by some obscure
scribler who could not be discovered the ministry in consequence of her
complaint ordered no fewer than five and twenty abbés to be apprehended and
sent to the Bastile on the maxim of Herod when he commanded the innocents to
be murdered hoping that the principal object of his cruelty would not escape in
the general calamity and the friends of those unhappy prisoners durst not even
complain of the unjust persecution but shrugged up their shoulders and in
silence deplored their misfortune uncertain whether or not they should ever set
eyes on them again
About the same time a gentleman of family who had been oppressed by a
certain powerful duke that lived in the neighbourhood found means to be
introduced to the king who receiving his petition very graciously asked in
what regiment he served and when the memorialist answered that he had not the
honour of being in the service returned the paper unopened and refused to hear
one circumstance of his complaint so that far from being redressed he
remained more than ever exposed to the tyranny of his oppressors nay so
notorious is the discouragement of all those who presume to live independent of
courtfavour and connexions that one of the gentlemen whose friendship
Peregrine cultivated frankly owned he was in possession of a most romantic
place in one of the provinces and deeply enamoured of a country life and yet
he durst not reside upon his own estate lest by slackening in his attendance
upon the great who honoured him with their protection he should fall a prey to
some rapacious intendant
As for the common people they are so much inured to the scourge and
insolence of power that every shabby subaltern every beggarly cadet of the
noblesse every low retainer to the court insults and injures them with
impunity A certain Ecuyer or horsedealer belonging to the king being one
day under the hands of a barber who by accident cut the head of a pimple on his
face he started up and drawing his sword wounded him desperately in the
shoulder The poor tradesman hurt as he was made an effort to retire and was
followed by this barbarous assassin who not contented with the vengeance he had
taken plunged his sword a second time into his body and killed him on the
spot Having performed this inhuman exploit he dressed himself with great
deliberation and going to Versailles immediately obtained a pardon for what he
had done triumphing in his brutality with such insolence that the very next
time he had occasion to be shaved he sat with his sword ready drawn in order
to repeat the murder in case the barber should commit the same mistake Yet so
tamed are those poor people to subjection that when Peregrine mentioned this
assassination to his own trimmer with expressions of horror and detestation
the infatuated wretch replied that without all doubt it was a misfortune but
it proceeded from the gentlemans passion and observed by way of encomium on
the government that such vivacity is never punished in France
A few days after this outrage was committed our youth who was a professed
enemy to all oppression being in one of the first loges at the comedy was eye
of an adventure which filled him with indignation a tall ferocious fellow in
the parterre without the least provocation but prompted by the meer wantonness
of pride took hold of the hat of a very decent young man who happened to stand
before him and twirled it round upon his head The party thus offended turned
to his aggressor and civilly asked the reason of such treatment but he
received no answer and when he looked the other way the insult was repeated
upon which he expressed his resentment as became a man of spirit and desired
the offender to walk out with him No sooner did he thus signify his intention
than his adversary swelling with rage cocked his hat fiercely in his face and
fixing his hands in his sides pronounced with the most imperious tone »Heark
ye Mr Round Periwig you must know that I am a mousquetaire« Scarce had this
awful word escaped from his lips when the blood forsook the lips of the poor
challenger who with the most abject submission begged pardon for his
presumption and with difficulty obtained it on condition that he should
immediately quit the place Having thus exercised his authority he turned to
one of his companions and with an air of disdainful ridicule told him he was
like to have had an affair with a Bourgeois adding by way of heightening the
irony »Egad I believe hes a physician«
Our hero was so much shocked and irritated at this licentious behaviour
that he could not suppress his resentment which he manifested by saying to
this Hector »Sir a physician may be a man of honour« To this remonstrance
which was delivered with a very significant countenance the mousquetaire made
no other reply but that of ecchoing his assertion with a loud laugh in which
he was joined by his confederates and Peregrine glowing with resentment called
him a Fanfaron and withdrew in expectation of being followed into the street
The other understood the hint and a rencounter must have ensued had not the
officer of the guard who overheard what passed prevented their meeting by
putting the mousquetaire immediately under arrest Our young gentleman waited at
the door of the parterre until he was informed of this interposition and then
went home very much chagrined at his disappointment for he was an utter
stranger to fear and diffidence on these occasions and had set his heart upon
chastising the insolence of this bully who had treated him with such
disrespect
This adventure was not so private but that it reached the ears of Mr
Jolter by the canal of some English gentlemen who were present when it
happened and the governor who entertained a most dreadful idea of the
mousquetaires being alarmed at a quarrel the consequence of which might be
fatal to his charge waited on the British embassador and begged he would take
Peregrine under his immediate protection His excellency having heard the
circumstances of the dispute sent one of his gentlemen to invite the youth to
dinner and after having assured him that he might depend upon his countenance
and regard represented the rashness and impetuosity of his conduct so much to
his conviction that he promised to act more circumspectly for the future and
drop all thoughts of the mousquetaire from that moment
A few days after he had taken this laudable resolution Pipes who had
carried a billet to his mistress informed him that he had perceived a laced
hat lying upon a marble slab in her apartment and that when she came out of her
own chamber to receive the letter she appeared in manifest disorder
From these hints of intelligence our young gentleman suspected or rather
made no doubt of her infidelity and being by this time well nigh cloyed with
possession was not sorry to find that she had given him cause to renounce her
correspondence That he might therefore detect her in the very breach of duty
and at the same time punish the gallant who had the presumption to invade his
territories he concerted with himself a plan which was executed in this
manner During his next interview with his Dulcinea far from discovering the
least sign of jealousy or discontent he affected the appearance of
extraordinary fondness and after having spent the afternoon with the shew of
uncommon satisfaction told her he was engaged in a party for Fountainbleau and
would set out from Paris that same evening so that he should not have the
pleasure of seeing her again for some days
The lady who was very well versed in the arts of her occupation pretended
to receive this piece of news with great affliction and conjured him with such
marks of real tenderness to return as soon as possible to her longing arms
that he went away almost convinced of her sincerity Determined however to
prosecute his scheme he actually departed from Paris with two or three
gentlemen of his acquaintance who had hired a Remise for a jaunt to Versailles
and having accompanied them as far as the village of Passé returned in the dusk
of the evening on foot
He waited impatiently till midnight and then arming himself with a pair of
pocketpistols and attended by trusty Tom with a cudgel in his hand repaired
to the lodgings of his suspected inamorata and having given Pipes his cue
knocked gently at the door which was no sooner opened by the lacquey than he
bolted in before the fellow could recollect himself from the confusion
occasioned by his unexpected appearance and leaving Tom to guard the door
ordered the trembling valet to light him up stairs into his ladys apartment
The first object that presented itself to his view when he entered the
antichamber was a sword upon the table which he immediately seized
exclaiming in a loud and menacing voice that his mistress was false and then
in bed with another gallant whom he would instantly put to death This
declaration confirmed by many terrible oaths he calculated for the hearing of
his rival who understanding his sanguinary purpose started up in great
trepidation and naked as he was dropt from the balcony into the street while
Peregrine thundered at the door for admittance and guessing his design gave
him an opportunity of making this precipitate retreat Pipes who stood centinel
at the door observing the fugitive descend attacked him with his cudgel and
sweating him from one end of the street to the other at last committed him to
the guet by whom he was conveyed to the officer on duty in a most disgraceful
and deplorable condition
Mean while Peregrine having burst open the chamberdoor found the lady in
the utmost dread and consternation and the spoils of her favourite scattered
about the room but his resentment was doubly gratified when he learnt upon
inquiry that the person who had been so disagreeably interrupted was no other
than that individual mousquetaire with whom he had quarreled at the comedy He
upbraided the nymph with her perfidy and ingratitude and telling her that she
must not expect the continuance of his regard or the appointments which she had
hitherto enjoyed from his bounty went home to his own lodgings overjoyed at
the issue of the adventure
The soldier exasperated at the disgrace he had undergone as well as at the
outragious insult of the English valet whom he believed his master had tutored
for that purpose no sooner extricated himself from the opprobrious situation he
had incurred than breathing vengeance against the author of the affront he
came to Peregrines apartment and demanded satisfaction upon the ramparts next
morning before sunrise Our hero assured him he would not fail to pay his
respects to him at the time and place appointed and foreseeing that he might be
prevented from keeping this engagement by the officious care of his governor
who saw the mousquetaire come in he told Mr Jolter that the Frenchman had
visited him in consequence of an order he had received from his superiors to
make an apology for his rude behaviour to him in the playhouse and that they
had parted very good friends This assurance together with Pickles tranquil
and unconcerned behaviour thro the day quieted the terrors which had begun to
take possession of his tutors imagination so that the youth had an opportunity
of giving him the slip at night when he betook himself to the lodgings of a
friend whom he engaged as his second and with whom he immediately took the
field in order to avoid the search which Jolter upon missing him might set on
foot
This was a necessary precaution for as he did not appear at supper and
Pipes who usually attended him in his excursions could give no account of his
motions the governor was dreadfully alarmed at his absence and ordered his man
to run in quest of his master to all the places which he used to frequent while
he himself went to the commissaire and communicating his suspicions was
accommodated with a party of the horseguards who patroled round all the
environs of the city with a view of preventing the rencounter Pipes might have
directed them to the lady by whose information they could have learnt the name
and lodgings of the mousquetaire who being apprehended the duel would not have
happened but he did not choose to run the risk of disobliging his master by
intermeddling in the affair and was moreover very desirous that the Frenchman
should be humbled for he never doubted that Peregrine was more than a match for
any two men in France In this confidence therefore he sought his master with
great diligence not with a view of disappointing his intention but in order to
attend him to the battle that he might stand by him and see justice done
While this inquiry was carried on our hero and his companion concealed
themselves among some weeds that grew on the edge of the parapet a few yards
from the spot where he had agreed to meet the mousquetaire and scarce had the
morning rendered objects distinguishable when they perceived their men
advancing boldly to the place Peregrine seeing them approach sprung forward to
the ground that he might have the glory of anticipating his antagonist and
swords being drawn all four were engaged in a twinkling Pickles eagerness had
well nigh cost him his life for without minding his footing he flew directly
to his opposite and stumbling over a stone was wounded on one side of his head
before he could recover his attitude Far from being dispirited at this check
it served only to animate him the more being endowed with uncommon agility he
retrieved his posture in a moment and having parried a second thrust returned
the longe with such incredible speed that the soldier had not time to resume
his guard but was immediately run through the bend of his right arm and the
sword dropping out of his hand our heros victory was compleat
Having dispatched his own business and received the acknowledgment of his
adversary who with a look of infinite mortification observed that his was the
fortune of the day he ran to part the seconds just as the weapon was twisted
out of his companions hand upon which he took his place and in all
likelihood an obstinate dispute would have ensued had they not been
interrupted by the guard at sight of whom the two Frenchmen scampered off
while our young gentleman and his friend allowed themselves to be taken
prisoners by the detachment which had been sent out for that purpose and were
carried before the magistrate who having sharply reprimanded them for presuming
to act in contempt of the laws set them at liberty in consideration of their
being strangers cautioning them at the same time to beware of such exploits for
the future
When Peregrine returned to his own lodgings Pipes seeing the blood
trickling down upon his masters neckcloth and solitaire gave evident tokens of
surprize and concern not for the consequences of the wound which he did not
suppose dangerous but for the glory of Old England which he was afraid had
suffered in the engagement for he could not help saying with an air of
chagrin as he followed the youth into his chamber »I do suppose as how you
gave that lubberly Frenchman as good as he brought«
Chapter XLV
Mr Jolter threatens to leave him on Account of his Misconduct which he
promises to rectify but his Resolution is defeated by the Impetuosity of his
Passions He meets accidentally with Mrs Hornbeck who elopes with him from her
Husband but is restored by the Interposition of the British Embassador
Though Mr Jolter was extremely well pleased at the safety of his pupil he
could not forgive him for the terror and anxiety he had undergone on his
account and roundly told him that notwithstanding the inclination and
attachment he had to his person he would immediately depart for England if
ever he should hear of his being involved in such another adventure for it
could not be expected that he would sacrifice his own quiet to an unrequited
regard for one who seemed determined to keep him in continual uneasiness and
apprehension
To this declaration Pickle made answer that Mr Jolter by this time ought
to be convinced of the attention he had always paid to his ease and
satisfaction since he well knew that he had ever looked upon him in the light
of a friend rather than as a counsellor or tutor and desired his company in
France with a view of promoting his interest and not for any emolument he could
expect from his instruction This being the case he was at liberty to consult
his own inclinations with regard to going or staying though he could not help
owning himself obliged by the concern he expressed for his safety and would
endeavour for his own sake to avoid giving him any cause of disturbance in
time to come
No man was more capable of moralizing upon Peregrines misconduct than
himself his reflections were extremely just and sagacious and attended with no
other disadvantage but that of occurring too late He projected a thousand
salutary schemes of deportment but like other projectors he never had
interest enough with the ministry of his passions to bring any one of them to
bear He had in the heyday of his gallantry received a letter from his friend
Gauntlet with a kind postscript from his charming Emilia but it arrived at a
very unseasonable juncture when his imagination was engrossed by conquests that
more agreeably flattered his ambition so that he could not find leisure and
inclination from that day to honour the correspondence which he himself had
sollicited and his vanity had by this time disapproved of the engagement he
had contracted in the rawness and inexperience of youth suggesting that he was
born to make such an important figure in life as ought to raise his ideas above
the consideration of any such middling connections and fix his attention upon
objects of the most sublime attraction These dictates of ridiculous pride had
almost effaced the remembrance of his amiable mistress or at least so far
warped his morals and integrity that he actually began to conceive hopes of her
altogether unworthy of his own character and her deserts
Mean while being destitute of a toy for the dalliance of his idle hours he
employed several spies and almost every day made a tour of the public places in
person with a view of procuring intelligence of Mr Hornbeck with whose wife
he longed to have another interview and in this course of expectation had he
exercised himself a whole fortnight when chancing to be at the hospital of the
invalids with a gentleman lately arrived from England he no sooner entered the
church than he perceived this lady attended by her spouse who at sight of our
hero changed colour and looked another way in order to discourage any
communication between them But the young man who was not so easily repulsed
advanced with great assurance to his fellowtraveller and taking him by the
hand expressed his satisfaction at this unexpected meeting and kindly
upbraiding him for his precipitate retreat from Chantilly before Hornbeck could
make any reply he went up to his wife whom he complimented in the same manner
assuring her with some significant glances he was extremely mortified that she
had put it out of his power to pay his respects to her on his first arrival at
Paris and then turning to her husband who thought proper to keep close to him
in this conference begged to know where he could have the honour of waiting
upon him observing at the same time that he himself lived a lacademie de
Palfrenier
Mr Hornbeck without making an apology for his elopement on the road
thanked Mr Pickle for his complaisance in a very cool and disobliging manner
saying that as he intended to shift his lodgings in a day or two he could not
expect the pleasure of seeing him until he should be settled when he would
call at the academy and conduct him to his new habitation
Pickle who was not unacquainted with the sentiments of this jealous
gentleman did not put much confidence in his promise and therefore made divers
efforts to enjoy a little private conversation with his wife but he was baffled
in all his attempts by the indefatigable vigilance of her keeper and reaped no
other immediate pleasure from this accidental meeting than that of a kind
squeeze while he handed her into the coach However as he had been witness to
some instances of her invention and was no stranger to the favourable
disposition of her heart he entertained some faint hopes of profiting by her
understanding and was not deceived in his expectation for the very next
forenoon a Savoyard called at the academy and put the following billet in his
hand
Coind Sur
Heaving the playsure of meating with you at the ofspital of
anvilheads I take this lubbertea of latin you know that I lotch at
the hottail de May cong dangle rouy Doghouseten with two postis at the
gait naytheir of um vary hole ware I shall be at the windore if in
kais you will be so good as to pass that way at sicks a cloak in the
heavening when Mr Hornbeck goes to the Calfhay de Contea Prey for the
loaf of Geesus keep this from the nolegs of my hussban ells he will
make me leed a hell upon urth Being all from deer Sur
Your most umbell sarvan wile
DEBORAH HORNBECK
Our young gentleman was ravished at the receit of this elegant epistle which
was directed A Monsr Monsr Pickhell a la Gaddamme de Paul Freny and did not
fail to obey the summons at the hour of assignation when the lady true to her
appointment beckoned him up stairs and he had the good fortune to be admitted
unseen
After the first transports of their mutual joy at meeting she told him
that her husband had been very surly and cross ever since the adventure at
Chantilly which he had not yet digested that he had laid severe injunctions
upon her to avoid all commerce with Pickle and even threatened to shut her up
in a convent for life if ever she should discover the least inclination to
renew that acquaintance that she had been cooped up in her chamber since her
arrival at Paris without being permitted to see the place or indeed any
company except that of her landlady whose language she did not understand so
that her spirit being broke and her health impaired he was prevailed upon some
days ago to indulge her in a few airings during which she had seen the gardens
of the Luxembourg the Thuilleries and Palais Royal though at those times when
there was no company in the walks and that it was in one of those excursions
she had the happiness of meeting with him Finally she gave him to understand
that rather than continue longer in such confinement with the man whom she could
not love she would instantly give him the slip and put herself under the
protection of her lover
Rash and unthinking as this declaration might be the young gentleman was so
much of a gallant that he would not baulk the ladys inclinations and too
infatuated by his passion to foresee the consequences of such a dangerous step
he therefore without hesitation embraced the proposal and the coast being
clear they sallied into the street where Peregrine calling a Fiacre ordered
the coachman to drive them to a tavern but knowing it would not be in his power
to conceal her from the search of the lieutenant de police if she should remain
within the walls of Paris he hired a Remise and carried her that same evening
to Villejuif about four leagues from town where he stayed with her all night
and having boarded her on a genteel pension and settled the oeconomy of his
future visits returned next day to his own lodgings
While he thus enjoyed his success her husband endured the tortures of the
damned When he returned from the coffeehouse and understood that his wife had
eloped without being perceived by any person in the family he began to rave
and foam at the mouth with rage and jealousy and in the fury of distraction
accused the landlady of being an accomplice in her escape threatening to
complain of her to the commissaire The woman could not conceive how Mrs
Hornbeck who she knew was an utter stranger to the French language and kept no
sort of company could elude the caution of her husband and find any refuge in
a place where she had no acquaintance and began to suspect the lodgers emotion
was no other than an affected passion to conceal his own practices upon his
wife who had perhaps fallen a sacrifice to his jealous disposition She
therefore spared him the trouble of putting his menaces in execution by going
to the magistrate without any further deliberation and giving an account of
what she knew concerning this mysterious affair with certain insinuations
against Hornbecks character which she represented as peevish and capricious to
the last degree
While she thus anticipated the purpose of the plaintiff her information was
interrupted by the arrival of the party himself who exhibited his complaint
with such evident marks of perturbation anger and impatience that the
commissaire could easily perceive that he had no share in the disappearance of
his wife and directed him to the lieutenant de police whose province it is to
take cognizance of such occurrences This gentleman who presides over the city
of Paris having heard the particulars of Hornbecks misfortune asked if he
suspected any individual person as the seducer of his yokefellow and when he
mentioned Peregrine as the object of his suspicion granted a warrant and a
detachment of soldiers to search for and retrieve the fugitive
The husband conducted them immediately to the academy where our hero lodged
and having rummaged the whole place to the astonishment of Mr Jolter without
finding either his wife or the supposed ravisher accompanied them to all the
public houses in the Fauxbourg which having examined also without success he
returned to the magistrate in a state of despair and obtained a promise of his
making such an effectual inquiry that in three days he should have an account
of her provided she was alive and within the walls of Paris
Our adventurer who had foreseen all this disturbance was not at all
surprized when his governor told him what had happened and being conjured to
restore the woman to the right owner with many pathetic remonstrances touching
the heinous sin of adultery the distraction of the unfortunate husband and the
danger of incurring the resentment of an arbitrary government which upon
application being made would not fail of espousing the cause of the injured he
denied with great effrontery that he had the least concern in the matter
pretended to resent the deportment of Hornbeck whom he threatened to chastise
for his scandalous suspicion and expressed his displeasure at the credulity of
Jolter who seemed to doubt the veracity of his asseveration
Notwithstanding this confident behaviour Jolter could not help entertaining
doubts of his sincerity and visiting the disconsolate swain begged he would
for the honour of his country as well as for the sake of his own reputation
discontinue his addresses to the lieutenant de police and apply to the British
Embassador who by dint of friendly admonitions would certainly prevail upon
Mr Pickle to do him all the justice in his power if he was really the author
of the injury he had sustained The governor urged this advice with the
appearance of so much sympathy and concern promising to cooperate with all his
influence in his behalf that Hornbeck embraced the proposal communicated his
purpose to the magistrate who commended the resolution as the most decent and
desirable expedient he could use and then waited upon his excellency who
readily espoused his cause and sending for the young gentleman that same
evening read him such a lecture in private as extorted a confession of the
whole affair not that he assailed him with sour and supercilious maxims or
severe rebuke because he had penetration enough to discern that Peregrines
disposition was impregnable to all such attacks but he first of all rallied him
upon his intriguing genius then in an humorous manner described the
distraction of the poor cuckold who he owned was justly punished for the
absurdity of his conduct and lastly upon the supposition that it would be no
great effort in Pickle to part with such a conquest especially after it was for
some time possessed represented the necessity and expediency of restoring her
not only out of regard to his own character and that of his nation but also
with a view to his ease which would in a little time be very much invaded by
such an incumbrance that in all probability would involve him in a thousand
difficulties and disgusts Besides he assured him that he was already by
order of the lieutenant de police surrounded with spies who would watch all
his motions and immediately discover the retreat in which he had deposited his
prize These arguments and the frank familiar manner in which they were
delivered but above all the last consideration induced the young gentleman to
disclose the whole of his proceedings to the Embassador and promise to be
governed by his direction provided the lady should not suffer for the step she
had taken but be received by her husband with due reverence and respect These
stipulations being agreed to he undertook to produce her in eight and forty
hours and taking coach immediately drove to the place of her residence where
he spent a whole day and a night in convincing her of the impossibility of their
enjoying each other in that manner and returning to Paris delivered her into
the hands of the Embassador who having assured her that she might depend upon
his friendship and protection in case she should find herself aggrieved by the
jealous temper of Mr Hornbeck restored her to her legitimate lord whom he
counselled to exempt her from that restraint which in all probability had been
the cause of her elopement and endeavour to conciliate her affection by tender
and respectful usage
The husband behaved with great humility and compliance protesting that his
chief study should be to contrive parties for her pleasure and satisfaction But
no sooner did he regain possession of his straysheep than he locked her up
more closely than ever and after having revolved various schemes for her
reformation determined to board her in a convent under the inspection of a
prudent abbess who should superintend her morals and recal her to the paths of
virtue which she had forsaken With this view he consulted an English priest of
his acquaintance who advised him to settle her in a monastery at Lisle that
she might be as far as possible from the machinations of her lover and gave him
a letter of recommendation to the superior of a certain convent in that place
for which Mr Hornbeck set out in a few days with his troublesome charge
Chapter XLVI
Peregrine resolves to return to England is diverted with the odd Characters of
Two of his Countrymen with whom he contracts an Acquaintance in the Apartments
of the Palais Royal
In the mean time our hero received a letter from his aunt importing that the
commodore was in a very declining way and longed much to see him at the
garison and at the same time he heard from his sister who gave him to
understand that the young gentleman who had for some time made his addresses to
her was become very pressing in his solicitations so that she wanted to know
in what manner she should answer his repeated intreaties These two
considerations determined the young gentleman to return to his native country a
resolution that was far from being disagreeable to Jolter who knew that the
incumbent on a living which was in the gift of Trunnion was extremely old and
that it would be his interest to be upon the spot at the said incumbents
decease
Peregrine who had resided about fifteen months in France thought he was
now sufficiently qualified for eclipsing most of his cotemporaries in England
and therefore prepared for his departure with infinite alacrity being moreover
inflamed with the most ardent desire of revisiting his friends and renewing his
connections particularly with Emilia whose heart he by this time thought he
was able to reduce on his own terms
As he proposed to make the tour of Flanders and Holland in his return to
England he resolved to stay in Paris a week or two after his affairs were
settled in hopes of finding some agreeable companion disposed for the same
journey and in order to refresh his memory made a second circuit round all the
places in that capital where any curious production of art is to be seen In
the course of this second examination he chanced to enter the Palais Royal just
as two gentlemen alighted from a Fiacre at the gate and all three being
admitted at the same time he soon perceived that the strangers were of his own
country One of them was a young man in whose air and countenance appeared all
the uncouth gravity and supercilious selfconceit of a physician piping hot from
his studies while the other to whom his companion spoke by the appellation of
Mr Pallet displayed at first sight a strange composition of levity and
assurance Indeed their characters dress and address were strongly contrasted
the doctor wore a suit of black and a huge tyewig neither suitable to his own
age nor the fashion of the country where he then lived whereas the other
though seemingly turned of fifty strutted in a gay summer dress of the Parisian
cut with a bag to his own grey hair and a red feather in his hat which he
carried under his arm As these figures seemed to promise something
entertaining Pickle entered into conversation with them immediately and soon
discovered that the old gentleman was a painter from London who had stole a
fortnight from his occupation in order to visit the remarkable paintings of
France and Flanders and that the doctor had taken the opportunity of
accompanying him in his tour Being extremely talkative he not only
communicated these particulars to our hero in a very few minutes after their
meeting but also took occasion to whisper in his ear that his fellow traveller
was a man of vast learning and beyond all doubt the greatest poet of the age
As for himself he was under no necessity of making his own elogium for he soon
gave such specimens of his taste and talents as left Pickle no room to doubt of
his capacity
While they stood considering the pictures in one of the first apartments
which are by no means the most masterly compositions the Swiss who sets up for
a connoisseur looking at a certain piece pronounced the word magnifique with
a note of admiration upon which Mr Pallet who was not at all a critick in the
French language replied with great vivacity »Manufac you mean and a very
indifferent piece of manufacture it is pray gentleman take notice there is no
keeping in those heads upon the back ground nor no relief in the principal
figure then youll observe the shadings are harsh to the last degree and come
a little closer this way dont you perceive that the foreshortening of that
arm is monstrous agad sir there is an absolute fracture in the limb
doctor you understand anatomy dont you think that muscle evidently misplaced
Heark ye Mr what dye call um turning to the attendant what is the name of
the dauber who painted that miserable performance« The Swiss imagining that he
was all this time expressing his satisfaction sanctioned his supposed
commendation by exclaiming sans prix »Right cried Pallet I could not
recollect his name though his manner is quite familiar to me We have a few
pieces in England done by that same sangpree but there they are in no
estimation we have more taste among us than to relish the productions of such
a miserable gout Isnt he an ignorant coxcomb doctor« The physician ashamed
of his companions blunder thought it was necessary for the honour of his own
character to take notice of it before the stranger and therefore answered his
question by repeating this line from Horace
Mutato nomine de te fabula narratur
The painter who was rather more ignorant of Latin that of French taking it for
granted that this quotation of his friend conveyed an assent to his opinion
»Very true said he a most sensible observation mute aye toe numbing he
what ist Deity fable honour hate her It is indeed a most mute benumbing
piece and the fable shews that the painter was very little honoured by the
deity« Peregrine was astonished at this surprising perversion of the words and
meaning of a Latin line which at first he could not help thinking was a
premeditated joke but upon second thoughts he saw no reason to doubt that it
was the extemporaneous effect of sheer pertness and ignorance at which he broke
out into an immoderate fit of laughter Pallet believing that the gentlemans
mirth was occasioned by his arch animadversion upon the work of sangpree
underwent the same emotion in a much louder strain and endeavoured to heighten
the jest by more observations of the same nature while the doctor confounded
at his impudence and want of knowledge reprimanded him in these words of Homer
Siga mn tis allos Axaion toyton akoysh myton
This rebuke the reader will easily perceive was not calculated for the
meridian of his friends intellects but uttered with a view of raising his own
character in the opinion of Mr Pickle who retorted this parade of learning in
three verses from the same author being part of the speech of Polydamas to
Hector importing that it is impossible for one man to excel in every thing The
selfsufficient physician who did not expect such a repartee from a youth of
Peregrines appearance looked upon his reply as a fair challenge and instantly
rehearsed forty or fifty lines of the Iliad in a breath and observing that the
stranger made no effort to match this effusion interpreted his silence into
submission then in order to ascertain his victory insulted him with divers
fragments of authors whom his supposed competitor did not even know by name
while Mr Pallet stared with admiration at the profound scholarship of his
companion Our young gentleman far from repining at this superiority laughed
within himself at the ridiculous ambition of the pedantic doctor who must have
been at infinite pains in conning these detached pieces with a view of
retailing them in company for the credit of his genius and knowledge He rated
him in his own mind as a meer indexhunter who held the eel of science by the
tail and foresaw an infinite fund of diversion in his solemnity and pride if
properly extracted by means of his fellowtravellers vanity and assurance
Prompted by these considerations he resolved to cultivate their acquaintance
and if possible amuse himself at their expence in his journey through
Flanders understanding that they were determined upon the same route In this
view he treated them with extraordinary attention and seemed to pay particular
deference to the remarks of the painter who with great intrepidity pronounced
judgment upon every picture in the palace or in other words, exposed his own
nakedness in every sentence that proceeded from his mouth
When they came to consider the murder of the innocents by Le Brun the Swiss
observed that it was un beau morçeau and Mr Pallet replied »Yes yes one may
see with half an eye that it can be the production of no other for Bomorsos
stile both in colouring and drapery is altogether peculiar then his design is
tame and his expression antic and unnatural Doctor you have seen my judgment
of Solomon I think I may without presumption but I dont choose to make
comparisons I leave that odious task to other people and let my works speak
for themselves France to be sure is rich in the arts but what is the reason
the king encourages men of genius with honour and rewards whereas in England
we are obliged to stand upon our own feet and combat the envy and malice of our
brethren agad I have a good mind to come and settle here in Paris I should
like to have an apartment in the Louvre with a snug pension of so many thousand
livres« In this manner did Pallet proceed with an eternal rotation of tongue
floundering from one mistake to another until it was the turn of Poussins
seven sacraments to be examined Here again the Swiss out of the abundance of
his zeal expressed his admiration by saying these pieces were impayable when
the painter turning to him with an air of exultation »Pardon me friend there
you happen to be mistaken these are none of impayables but done by Nicholas
Pouseen I have seen prints of them in England so that none of your tricks upon
travellers Mr Swish or Swash or whats your name« He was very much elated by
this imaginary triumph of his understanding which animated him to persevere in
his curious observations upon all the other pieces of that celebrated
collection but perceiving that the doctor manifested no signs of pleasure and
satisfaction but rather beheld them with a silent air of disdain he could not
digest his indifference and asked with a waggish sneer if ever he had seen
such a number of masterpieces before The physician eying him with a look of
compassion mingled with contempt observed that there was nothing there which
deserved the attention of any person acquainted with the ideas of the ancients
and that the author of the finest piece now in being was unworthy to clean the
brushes of one of those great masters who are celebrated by the Greek and Roman
writers »O lud O lud exclaimed the painter with a loud laugh you have
fairly brought yourself into a dilemma at last dear doctor for it is well
known that your ancient Greek and Roman artists knew nothing at all of the
matter in comparison with our modern masters for this good reason because
they had but three or four colours and knew not how to paint with oil besides
which of all your old fusty Grecians would you put upon a footing with the
divine Raphael the most excellent Michael Angelo Bona Roti the graceful
Guido the bewitching Titian and above all others the sublime Rubens the«
He would have proceeded with a long catalogue of names which he had got by heart
for the purpose without retaining the least idea of their several
qualifications had not he been interrupted by his friend whose indignation
being kindled by the irreverence with which he mentioned the Greeks he called
him blasphemer Goth Bæotian and in his turn asked with great vehemence
which of those puny moderns could match with Panænus of Athens and his brother
Phidias Polycletus of Sicyon Polygnotus the Thrasian Parrhasius of Ephesus
sirnamed Abrodiaitos and Apelles the prince of painters He challenged him to
shew any portrait of these days that could vye with the Helen of Zeuxis the
Heraclean or any composition equal to the sacrifice of Iphigenia by Timanthes
the Sicyonian not to mention the twelve gods of Asclepiadorus the Athenian for
which Mnason tyrant of Elatea gave him about three hundred pounds a piece or
Homers hell by Nicias who refused sixty talents amounting to upwards of
eleven thousand pounds and generously made a present of it to his own country
He desired him to produce a collection equal to that in the temple of Delphos
mentioned in the Ion of Euripides where Hercules and his companion Iolaus are
represented in the act of killing the Lernæan hydra with golden sickles
Xryseais arpais where Bellerophon appears upon his winged steed vanquishing
the firebreathing chimera tan pyripneoysan and the war of the giants is
described Here Jupiter stands wielding the red hot thunderbolts Keraynon
ampipyron there Pallas dreadful to the view Gorgopon brandisheth her spear
against the huge Enceladus and Bacchus with slender ivy rods defeats and slays
the gas teknon or mighty son of earth The painter was astonished and
confounded at this rhapsody of names and instances which was uttered with
surprising eagerness and rapidity suspecting at first that the whole was the
creation of his own brain but when Pickle with a view of flattering the
doctors selfconceit espoused his side of the question and confirmed the
truth of every thing he advanced Mr Pallet changed his opinion and in
emphatic silence adored the immensity of his friends understanding In short
Peregrine easily perceived that they were false enthusiasts without the
smallest pretensions to taste and sensibility and pretended to be in raptures
with they knew not what the one thinking it was incumbent upon him to express
transports on seeing the works of those who had been most eminent in his
profession whether they did or did not really raise his admiration and the
other as a scholar deeming it his duty to magnify the ancients above all
competition with an affected fervour which the knowledge of their excellencies
never inspired Indeed our young gentleman so successfully accommodated himself
to the disposition of each that long before their review was finished he was
become a particular favourite with both
From the Palais Royal he accompanied them to the cloisters of the
Carthusians where they considered the history of St Bruno by Le Sueur whose
name being utterly unknown to the painter he gave judgment against the whole
composition as pitiful and paultry though in the opinion of all good judges
it is a most masterly performance
Having satisfied their curiosity in this place Peregrine sollicited them to
favour him with their company at dinner but whether out of caution against the
insinuations of one whose character they did not know or by reason of a prior
engagement they declined his invitation on pretence of having an appointment at
a certain ordinary though they expressed a desire of being farther acquainted
with him and Mr Pallet took the freedom of asking his name which he not only
declared but promised as they were strangers in Paris to wait upon them next
day in the forenoon in order to conduct them to the hotel de Tholouse and the
houses of several other noblemen remarkable for painting or curious furniture
They thankfully embraced his proposal and that same day made inquiry among the
English gentlemen about the character of our hero which they found so much to
their satisfaction that upon their second meeting they courted his good graces
without reserve and as they had heard of his intended departure begged
earnestly to have the honour of accompanying him through the Low Countries He
assured them that nothing could be more agreeable to him than the prospect of
having such fellowtravellers and they immediately appointed a day for setting
out on that tour
Chapter XLVII
He introduces his new Friends to Mr Jolter with whom the Doctor enters into a
Dispute upon Government which had well nigh terminated in open War
Mean while he not only made them acquainted with every thing worth seeing in
town but attended them in their excursions to all the kings houses within a
days journey of Paris and in the course of these parties treated them with an
elegant dinner at his own apartments where a dispute arose between the doctor
and Mr Jolter which had well nigh terminated in an irreconcileable animosity
These gentlemen with an equal share of pride pedantry and saturnine
disposition were by the accidents of education and company diametrically
opposite in political maxims the one as we have already observed being a
bigotted high churchman and the other a rank republican It was an article of
the governors creed that the people could not be happy nor the earth yield
its fruits in abundance under a restricted clergy and limited government
whereas in the doctors opinion it was an eternal truth that no constitution
was so perfect as the democracy and that no country could flourish but under
the administration of the mob
These considerations being premised no wonder that they happened to
disagree in the freedom of an unreserved conversation especially as their
entertainer took all opportunities of encouraging and inflaming the contention
The first source of their difference was an unlucky remark of the painter who
observed that the partridge of which he was then eating had the finest relish
of any he had ever tasted His friend owned that the birds were the best of the
kind he had seen in France but affirmed that they were neither so plump nor
delicious as those that were caught in England The governor considering this
observation as the effect of prejudice and inexperience said with a sarcastical
smile »I believe sir you are very well disposed to find every thing here
inferior to the productions of your own country« »True sir answered the
physician with a certain solemnity of aspect and not without good reason I
hope« »And pray resumed the tutor why may not the partridges of France be as
good as those of England« »For a very plain reason replied the other because
they are not so well fed The iron hand of oppression is extended to all animals
within the French dominions even to the beasts of the field and the fowls of
the air Kunessin ownoisi te pasi« »Egad cried the painter that is a truth
not to be controverted for my own part I am none of your titbits one would
think but yet theres a freshness in the English complexion a ginseekeye I
think you call it so inviting to a hungry Frenchman that I have caught several
in the very act of viewing me with an eye of extreme appetite as I passed and
as for their curs or rather their wolves for by jingo they are more liker the
one than tother whenever I set eyes on one of em Aha your humble servant
Mr son of a bitch I am upon my guard in an instant The doctor can testify
that their very horses or more properly their live carrion that drew our
chaise used to reach back their long necks and smell at us as a couple of
delicious morsels« This sally of Mr Pallet which was received with a general
laugh of approbation would in all probability have stifled the dispute in
embrio had not Mr Jolter with a selfapplauding simper ironically
complimented the strangers on their talking like true Englishmen The doctor
affronted at the insinuation told him with some warmth that he was mistaken in
his conjecture his affections and ideas being confined to no particular
country for he considered himself as a citizen of the world He owned himself
more attached to England than to any other kingdom but this preference was the
effect of reflexion and not of prejudice because the British constitution
approached nearer than any other to that perfection of government the
democracy of Athens which he hoped one day to see revived he mentioned the
death of Charles the first and the expulsion of his son with raptures of
applause inveighed with great acrimony against the kingly name and in order to
sanction his opinion repeated forty or fifty lines from one of the Philippicks
of Demosthenes Jolter hearing him speak so disrespectfully of the higher
powers glowed with indignation He said his doctrines were detestable and
destructive of all right order and society that monarchy was of divine
institution therefore indefeasible by any human power and of consequence those
events in the English history which he had so liberally commended were no
other than flagrant instances of sacrilege perfidy and sedition that the
democracy of Athens was a most absurd constitution productive of anarchy and
mischief which must always happen when the government of a nation depends upon
the caprice of the ignorant harebrained vulgar that it was in the power of the
most profligate member of the commonwealth provided he was endowed with
eloquence to ruin the most deserving by a desperate exertion of his talents
upon the populace who had been often persuaded to act in the most ungrateful
and imprudent manner against the greatest patriots that their country had
produced and finally he averred that the liberal arts and sciences had never
flourished so much in a republick as under the encouragement and protection of
absolute power witness the Augustan age and the reign of Lewis the fourteenth
nor was it to be supposed that genius and merit could ever be so amply
recompensed by the individuals or distracted councils of a commonwealth as by
the generosity and magnificence of one who had the whole treasures at his own
command
Peregrine who was pleased to find the contest grow warm observed that
there seemed to be a good deal of truth in what Mr Jolter advanced and the
painter whose opinion began to waver looked with a face of expectation at his
friend who modelling his features into an expression of exulting disdain asked
of his antagonist if he did not think that very power of rewarding merit
enabled an absolute prince to indulge himself in the most arbitrary licence over
the lives and fortunes of his people Before the governor had time to answer
this question Pallet broke forth into an exclamation of »By the Lord that is
certainly fact egad that was a home thrust doctor« When Mr Jolter
chastising this shallow intruder with a contemptous look affirmed that though
supreme power furnished a good prince with the means of exerting his virtues it
would not support a tyrant in the exercise of cruelty and oppression because in
all nations the genius of the people must be consulted by their governors and
the burthen proportioned to the shoulders on which it is laid »Else what
follows« said the physician »The consequence is plain replied the governor
insurrection revolt and his own destruction for it is not to be supposed that
the subjects of any nation would be so abject and pusilanimous as to neglect
the means which heaven hath put in their power for their own preservation«
»Gadzooks youre in the right sir cried Pallet that I grant you must be
confessed doctor Im afraid we have got into the wrong box« This son of Pæan
however far from being of his friends opinion observed with an air of
triumph that he would not only demonstrate the sophistry of the gentlemans
last allegation by argument and facts but even confute him with his own words
Jolters eyes kindling at this presumptuous declaration he told his antagonist
while his lip quivered with resentment that if his arguments were no better
than his breeding he was sure he would make very few converts to his opinion
and the doctor with all the insolence of triumph advised him to beware of
disputes for the future until he should have made himself more master of his
subject
Peregrine both wished and hoped to see the disputants proceed to arguments
of more weight and conviction and the painter dreading the same issue
interposed with the usual exclamation of »For Gods sake gentlemen« when the
governor rose from table in great dudgeon and left the room muttering some
ejaculation of which the word coxcomb only could be distinctly heard The
physician being thus left master of the field of battle was complimented on his
victory by Peregrine and so elevated by his success that he declaimed a full
hour on the absurdity of Jolters proposition and the beauty of the democratic
administration canvassed the whole scheme of Platos republic with many
quotations from that ideal author touching the to kalon from thence he made a
transition to the moral sense of Shaftsbury and concluded his harangue with the
greatest part of that frothy writers rhapsody which he repeated with all the
violence of enthusiastic agitation to the unspeakable satisfaction of his
entertainer and the unutterable admiration of Pallet who looked upon him as
something supernatural and divine So intoxicated was this vain young man with
the ironical praises of Pickle that he forthwith shook off all reserve and
having professed a friendship for our hero whose taste and learning he did not
fail to extol intimated in plain terms that he was the only person in these
latter ages who professed that sublime genius that portion of the divinity or
ti teion which immortalized the Grecian poets that as Pythagoras affirmed the
spirit of Euphorbus had transmigrated into his body he the doctor was
strangely possessed with the opinion that he himself was inspired by the soul of
Pindar because making allowance for the difference of languages in which they
wrote there was a surprising affinity between his own works and those of that
celebrated Theban and as a confirmation of this truth he immediately produced
a sample of each which though in spirit and versification as different as the
Odes of Horace and our present laureat Peregrine did not scruple to pronounce
altogether congenial notwithstanding the violence he by this sentence offered
to his own conscience and a certain alarm of his pride that was weak enough to
be disturbed by the physicians ridiculous vanity and presumption which not
contented with displaying his importance in the world of taste and polite
literature manifested itself in arrogating certain material discoveries in the
province of physick which could not fail to advance him to the highest pinnacle
of that profession considering the recommendation of his other talents
together with a liberal fortune which he inherited from his father
Chapter XLVIII
The Doctor prepares an Entertainment in the Manner of the Ancients which is
attended with divers ridiculous Circumstances
In a word our young gentleman by his insinuating behaviour obtained the full
confidence of the doctor who invited him to an entertainment which he intended
to prepare in the manner of the ancients Pickle struck with this idea eagerly
embraced the proposal which he honoured with many encomiums as a plan in all
respects worthy of his genius and apprehension and the day was appointed at
some distance of time that the treater might have leisure to compose certain
pickles and confections which were not to be found among the culinary
preparations of these degenerate days
With a view of rendering the physicians taste more conspicuous and
extracting from it the more diversion Peregrine proposed that some foreigners
should partake of the banquet and the task being left to his care and
discretion he actually bespoke the company of a French marquis an Italian
count and a German baron whom he knew to be egregious coxcombs and therefore
more likely to enhance the joy of the entertainment
Accordingly the hour being arrived he conducted them to the hotel where
the physician lodged after having regaled their expectations with an elegant
meal in the genuine old Roman taste and they were received by Mr Pallet who
did the honours of the house while his friend superintended the rotisseur
below By this communicative painter the guests understood that the doctor had
met with numerous difficulties in the execution of his design that no fewer
than five cooks had been dismissed because they could not prevail upon their
own consciences to obey his directions in things that were contrary to the
present practice of their art and that although he had at last engaged a
person by an extraordinary premium to comply with his orders the fellow was
so astonished mortified and incensed at the commands he had received that his
hair stood on end and he begged on his knees to be released from the agreement
he had made but finding that his employer insisted upon the performance of his
contract and threatened to introduce him to the commissaire if he should
flinch from the bargain he had in the discharge of his office wept sung
cursed and capered for two whole hours without intermission so that his brain
seemed to have received a rude shock and in all probability he would never be
his own man again
While the company listened to this odd information by which they were
prepossessed with strange notions of the dinner their ears were invaded by a
piteous voice that exclaimed in French »For the love of God dear Sir for the
passion of Jesus Christ spare me the mortification of the honey and oil« But
this pathetic supplication having no effect upon the physician who in all
likelihood poured in with his own hand the sauce against which the cook had
objected the same voice was heard to utter a sort of yell which was followed
by a string of execrations in the French language that gradually died away as
if the swearer had been forcibly conveyed into a more distant apartment Their
ears still vibrated with the sound when the doctor entering was by Peregrine
made acquainted with the strangers to whom he in the transports of his wrath
could not help of complaining of the want of complaisance he had found in the
Parisian vulgar by which his plan had been almost entirely ruined and set
aside The French marquis who thought the honour of his nation was concerned at
this declaration professed his sorrow for what had happened so contrary to the
established character of the people and undertook to see the delinquents
severely punished provided he could be informed of their names or places of
abode The mutual compliments that passed on this occasion were scarce finished
when a servant coming into the room announced dinner and the entertainer led
the way into another apartment where they found a long table or rather two
boards joined together and furnished with a variety of dishes the steams of
which had such evident effect upon the nerves of the company that the marquis
made frightful grimaces under pretence of taking snuff the Italians eyes
watered the Germans visage underwent violent distortion of features our hero
found means to exclude the odour from his sense of smelling by breathing only
through his mouth and the poor painter running into another room plugged his
nostrils with tobacco The doctor himself who was the only person then present
whose organs were not discomposed pointing to a couple of couches placed on
each side of the table told his guests that he was sorry he could not procure
the exact triclinia of the ancients which were somewhat different from these
conveniences and desired they would have the goodness to repose themselves
without ceremony each in his respective couchette while he and his friend Mr
Pallet would place themselves upright at the ends that they might have the
pleasure of serving those that lay along This disposition of which the
strangers had no previous idea disconcerted and perplexed them in a most
ridiculous manner the marquis and baron stood bowing to each other on pretence
of disputing the lower seat but in reality with a view of profiting by the
example of one another for neither of them understood the manner in which they
were to loll and Peregrine who enjoyed their confusion handed the count to
the other side where with the most mischievous politeness he insisted upon
his taking possession of the upper place
In this disagreeable and ludicrous suspence they continued acting a
pantomime of gesticulations until the doctor earnestly intreated them to wave
all compliment and form lest the dinner should be spoiled before the ceremonial
could be adjusted Thus conjured Peregrine took the lower couch on the
lefthand side laying himself gently down with his face towards the table The
marquis in imitation of this pattern though he would have much rather fasted
three days than run the risk of discomposing his dress by such an attitude
stretched himself upon the opposite place reclining upon his elbow in a most
painful and aukward situation with his head raised above the end of the couch
that the oeconomy of his hair might not suffer by the projection of his body
The Italian being a thin limber creature planted himself next to Pickle
without sustaining any misfortune but that of his stocking being torn by a
ragged nail of the seat as he raised his legs on a level with the rest of his
limbs But the baron who was neither so wieldy nor supple in his joints as his
companions flounced himself down with such precipitation that his feet
suddenly tilting up came in furious contact with the head of the marquis and
demolished every curl in a twinkling while his own skull at the same instant
descended upon the side of his couch with such violence that his periwig was
struck off and the whole room filled with pulvilio
The drollery of distress that attended this disaster entirely vanquished the
affected gravity of our young gentleman who was obliged to suppress his
laughter by cramming his handkerchief in his mouth for the bareheaded German
asked pardon with such ridiculous confusion and the marquis admitted his
apology with such rueful complaisance as were sufficient to awake the mirth of
a quietist whose insensibility was not utterly extinguished
This misfortune being repaired as well as the circumstances of the occasion
would permit and every one settled according to the arrangement already
described the doctor graciously undertook to give some account of the dishes as
they occurred that the company might be directed in their choice and with an
air of infinite satisfaction thus began »This here gentlemen is a boiled
goose served up in a sauce composed of pepper lovage coriander mint rue
anchovies and oil I wish for your sakes gentlemen it was one of the geese of
Ferrara so much celebrated among the ancients for the magnitude of their
livers one of which is said to have weighed upwards of two pounds with this
food exquisite as it was did the tyrant Heliogabalus regale his hounds But I
beg pardon I had almost forgot the soup which I hear is so necessary an
article at all tables in France At each end there are dishes of the salacacabia
of the Romans one is made of parsley pennyroyal cheese pinetops honey
vinegar brine eggs cucumbers onions and henlivers the other is much the
same as the soupmaigre of this country Then there is a loin of veal boiled
with fennel and carawayseed on a pottage composed of pickle oil honey and
flour and a curious hachis of the lights liver and blood of an hare together
with a dish of roasted pigeons Monsieur le baron shall I help you to a plate
of this soup« The German who did not at all disapprove of the ingredients
assented to the proposal and seemed to relish the composition while the
marquis being asked by the painter which of the sillykickabys he chose was in
consequence of his desire accommodated with a portion of the soup maigre and
the count in lieu of spoonmeat of which he said he was no great admirer
supplied himself with a pigeon therein conforming to the choice of our young
gentleman whose example he determined to follow through the whole course of the
entertainment
The Frenchman having swallowed the first spoonful made a full pause his
throat swelled as if an egg had stuck in his gullet his eyes rolled and his
mouth underwent a series of involuntary contractions and dilatations Pallet
who looked stedfastly at this connoisseur with a view of consulting his taste
before he himself would venture upon the soup began to be disturbed at these
emotions and observed with some concern that the poor gentleman seemed to be
going into a fit when Peregrine assured him that these were symptoms of extasy
and for further confirmation asked the marquis how he found the soup It was
with infinite difficulty that his complaisance could so far master his disgust
as to enable him to answer »Altogether excellent upon my honour« And the
painter being certified of his approbation lifted the spoon to his mouth
without scruple but far from justifying the elogium of his taster when this
precious composition diffused itself upon his palate he seemed to be deprived
of all sense and motion and sat like the leaden statue of some river god with
the liquor flowing out at both sides of his mouth
The doctor alarmed at this indecent phænomenon earnestly inquired into the
cause of it and when Pallet recovered his recollection and swore that he would
rather swallow porridge made of burning brimstone than such an infernal mess as
that which he had tasted the physician in his own vindication assured the
company that except the usual ingredients he had mixed nothing in the soup
but some sal armoniac instead of the ancient nitrum which could not now be
procured and appealed to the marquis whether such a succedaneum was not an
improvement on the whole The unfortunate petit maitre driven to the extremity
of his condescension acknowledged it to be a masterly refinement and deeming
himself obliged in point of honour to evince his sentiments by his practice
forced a few more mouthfuls of this disagreeable potion down his throat till
his stomach was so much offended that he was compelled to start up of a sudden
and in the hurry of his elevation overturned his plate into the bosom of the
baron The emergency of his occasions would not permit him to stay and make
apologies for this abrupt behaviour so that he flew into another apartment
where Pickle found him puking and crossing himself with great devotion and a
chair at his desire being brought to the door he slipt into it more dead than
alive conjuring his friend Pickle to make his peace with the company and in
particular excuse him to the baron on account of the violent fit of illness
with which he had been seized It was not without reason that he employed a
mediator for when our hero returned to the diningroom the German got up and
was under the hands of his own lacquey who wiped the grease from a rich
embroidered waistcoat while he almost frantic with his misfortune stamped
upon the ground and in High Dutch cursed the unlucky banquet and the
impertinent entertainer who all this time with great deliberation consoled
him for the disaster by assuring him that the damage might be repaired with
some oil of turpentine and an hot iron Peregrine who could scarce refrain from
laughing in his face appeased his indignation by telling him how much the
whole company and especially the marquis was mortified at the accident and
the unhappy salacacabia being removed the places were filled with two pies one
of dormice liquored with syrup of white poppies which the doctor had
substituted in the room of toasted poppyseed formerly eaten with honey as a
desert and the other composed of an hock of pork baked in honey
Pallet hearing the first of these dishes described lifted up his hands and
eyes and with signs of loathing and amazement pronounced »A pye made of
dormice and syrup of poppies Christ in heaven what beastly fellows these
Romans were« His friend checked him for his irreverent exclamation with a
severe look and recommended the veal of which he himself chearfully ate with
such encomiums to the company that the baron resolved to imitate his example
after having called for a bumper of Burgundy which the physician for his sake
wished to have been the true wine of Falernum The painter seeing nothing else
upon the table which he would venture to touch made a merit of necessity and
had recourse to the veal also although he could not help saying that he would
not give one slice of the roast beef of old England for all the dainties of a
Roman emperors table But all the doctors invitations and assurances could not
prevail upon his guests to honour the hachis and the goose and that course was
succeeded by another in which he told them were divers of those dishes which
among the antients had obtained the appellation of politeles or magnificent
»That which smoaks in the middle said he is a sows stomach filled with a
composition of minced pork hogs brains eggs pepper cloves garlick
anniseed rue ginger oil wine and pickle On the right hand side are the
teats and belly of a sow just farrowed fried with sweet wine oil flour
lovage and pepper On the left is a fricassee of snails fed or rather purged
with milk At that end next Mr Pallet are fritters of pompions lovage
origanum and oil and here are a couple of pullets roasted and stuffed in the
manner of Apicius«
The painter who had by wry faces testifyd his abhorrence of the sows
stomach which he compared to a bagpipe and the snails which had undergone
purgation no sooner heard him mention the roasted pullets than he eagerly
sollicited a wing of the fowl upon which the doctor desired he would take the
trouble of cutting them up and accordingly sent them round while Mr Pallet
tucked the tablecloth under his chin and brandished his knife and fork with
singular address but scarce were they set down before him when the tears ran
down his cheeks and he called aloud in manifest disorder »Zds this is the
essence of a whole bed of garlic« That he might not however disappoint or
disgrace the entertainer he applied his instruments to one of the birds and
when he opened up the cavity was assaulted by such an irruption of intolerable
smells that without staying to disengage himself from the cloth he sprung
away with an exclamation of »Lord Jesus« and involved the whole table in
havock ruin and confusion
Before Pickle could accomplish his escape he was sauced with the syrup of
the dormouse pye which went to pieces in the general wreck and as for the
Italian count he was overwhelmed by the sows stomach which bursting in the
fall discharged its contents upon his leg and thigh and scalded him so
miserably that he shrieked with anguish and grinned with a most ghastly and
horrible aspect
The baron who sat secure without the vortex of this tumult was not at all
displeased at seeing his companions involved in such a calamity as that which he
had already shared but the doctor was confounded with shame and vexation After
having prescribed an application of oil to the counts leg he expressed his
sorrow for the misadventure which he openly ascribed to want of taste and
prudence in the painter who did not think proper to return and make an apology
in person and protested that there was nothing in the fowls which could give
offence to a sensible nose the stuffing being a mixture of pepper lovage and
assa foetida and the sauce consisting of wine and herringpickle which he had
used instead of the celebrated garum of the Romans that famous pickle having
been prepared sometimes of the scombri which were a sort of tunny fish and
sometimes of the silurus or shadfish nay he observed that there was a third
kind called garum hæmation made of the guts gills and blood of the thynnus
The physician finding it would be impracticable to reestablish the order
of the banquet by presenting again the dishes which had been discomposed
ordered every thing to be removed a clean cloth to be laid and the desert to
be brought in
Mean while he regretted his incapacity to give them a specimen of the
alieus or fish meals of the ancients such as the jus diabaton the congereel
which in Galens opinion is hard of digestion the cornuta or gurnard
described by Pliny in his Natural History who says the horns of many of them
were a foot and a half in length the mullet and lamprey that were in the
highest estimation of old of which last Julius Cæsar borrowed six thousand for
one triumphal supper He observed that the manner of dressing them was
described by Horace in the account he gives of the entertainment to which
Mæcenas was invited by the epicure Nasiedenus
Affertur squillas inter Murena natantes etc
And told them that they were commonly eaten with the rhus syriacum a certain
anodyne and astringent seed which qualified the purgative nature of the fish
Finally this learned physician gave them to understand that though this was
reckoned a luxurious dish in the zenith of the Roman taste it was by no means
comparable in point of expence to some preparations in vogue about the time of
that absurd voluptuary Heliogabalus who ordered the brains of six hundred
ostriches to be compounded in one mess
By this time the desert appeared and the company were not a little rejoiced
to see plain olives in salt and water but what the master of the feast valued
himself upon was a sort of jelly which he affirmed to be preferable to the
hypotrimma of Hesychius being a mixture of vinegar pickle and honey boiled to
a proper consistence and candied assa foetida which he asserted in
contradiction to Humelbergius and Lister was no other than the laser syriacum
so precious as to be sold among the ancients to the weight of a silver penny
The gentlemen took his word for the excellency of this gum but contented
themselves with the olives which gave such an agreeable relish to the wine
that they seemed very well disposed to console themselves for the disgraces they
had endured and Pickle unwilling to lose the least circumstance of
entertainment that could be enjoyed in their company went in quest of the
painter who remained in his penitentials in another apartment and could not be
persuaded to reenter the banquetingroom until Peregrine undertook to procure
his pardon from those whom he had injured Having assured him of this
indulgence our young gentleman led him in like a criminal bowing on all hands
with an air of humility and contrition and particularly addressing himself to
the count to whom he swore in English as God was his saviour he had no intent
to affront man woman or child but was fain to make the best of his way that
he might not give the honourable company cause of offence by obeying the
dictates of nature in their presence
When Pickle interpreted this apology to the Italian Pallet was forgiven in
very polite terms and even received into favour by his friend the doctor in
consequence of our heros intercession so that all the guests forgot their
chagrin and paid their respects so piously to the bottle that in a short time
the Champaigne produced very evident effects in the behaviour of all present
Chapter XLIX
The Italian Marquis and German Baron are disgraced the Painter is persuaded to
accompany Pickle to a Masquerade in Womans Apparel is engaged in a troublesome
Adventure and with his Companion conveyed to the Bastile
The painter at the request of Pickle who had a design upon the counts sense
of hearing favoured the company with the song of Bumper Squire Jones which
yielded infinite satisfaction to the baron but affected the delicate ears of
the Italian in such a manner that his features expressed astonishment and
disquiet and by his sudden and repeated journeys to the door it plainly
appeared that he was in the same predicament with those who as Shakespear
observes when the bagpipe sings in the nose cannot contain their urine for
affection
With a view therefore of vindicating music from such a barbarous taste
Mr Pallet had no sooner performed his task than the count honoured his friends
with some favourite airs of his own country which he warbled with infinite
grace and expression though they had not energy sufficient to engage the
attention of the German who fell fast asleep upon his couch and snored so
loud as to interrupt and totally annul this ravishing entertainment so that
they were fain to have recourse again to the glass which made such innovation
upon the brain of the physician that he sung divers odes of Anacreon to a tune
of his own composing and held forth upon the music and recitative of the
ancients with great erudition while Pallet having found means to make the
Italian acquainted with the nature of his profession harangued upon painting
with wonderful volubility in a language which it was well for his own credit
the stranger did not understand
At length the doctor was seized with such a qualm that he begged Peregrine
to lead him to his chamber and the count tired with the eternal babble of the
painter reeled towards the sleeping baron whom he viewed with rapture
repeating from the Il Pastor Fido of Guarini
Come assetato infermo
Che bramò lungamenté
Il vietato licor
Tal Io gran tempo infermo
E damorosa sete arso e consunto
Then boldly ravished a kiss and began to tickle him under the ribs with such
expressions of tenderness as scandalized the virtuous painter who conscious
of his own attractions was alarmed for his person and staggered in great hurry
and discomposure into the next room where he put himself under the protection
of our hero to whom he imparted his suspicion of the counts morals by
describing the indecency of his deportment
Peregrine who entertained a just detestation for all such abominable
practices was incensed at this information and stepping to the door of the
diningroom where the two strangers were left together saw with his own eyes
enough to convince him that Pallets complaint was not without foundation and
that the baron was not averse to the addresses of the count Our young
gentlemans indignation had well nigh prompted him to rush in and take
immediate vengeance on the offenders but considering that such a precipitate
step might be attended with troublesome consequences to himself he resisted the
impulse of his wrath and tasked his invention with some method of inflicting
upon them a disgrace suited to the grossness of their ideas After having
revolved sundry schemes of punishment and even consulted Mr Pipes who being
present at the discovery undertook to sew them up in bags with a reasonable
quantity of ballast in each and throw them over the Pont Neuf into the river
his imagination could not supply him with an expedient to his liking and he was
at a loss how to behave when the landlady of the house whom he knew to be a
dame of remarkable vivacity chancing to pass furnished him with a hint of
which he immediately took the advantage by begging she would do him the favour
to step into the next room and tell the gentlemen that he would be with them
as soon as the doctor could be put to bed
The lady very graciously undertook the office and entering the apartment
was so much offended and enraged at the mutual endearments of the two lovers
that instead of delivering the message with which she had been entrusted she
set the trumpet of reproach to her mouth and seizing the barons cane which
she found upon the sidetable belaboured them both with such eagerness of
animosity that they found themselves obliged to make a very disorderly retreat
and were actually driven down stairs in a most disgraceful condition by this
exasperated virago who loaded them with just invectives all the way publishing
their shame not only to those of her own family but likewise to the populace
who began to crowd about the door and in all probability would have espoused
her revenge had not their lacqueys who were in waiting conveyed the
delinquents into the Remise and carried them off with great expedition
Peregrine was so delighted with the manner of the chastisement they had
undergone that he embraced the mistress of the hotel with transport for the
spirit she had exerted and being rendered frolicksome with the wine he had
drank proposed that he and Pallet should go to a masquerade which he
recollected was to be given that night The painter did not want curiosity and
inclination to accompany him but expressed his apprehension of losing him in
the ball an accident which could not fail to be very disagreeable as he was an
utter stranger to the language and the town To obviate this objection the
landlady who was of their council advised him to appear in a womans dress
which would lay his companion under the necessity of attending him with more
care as he could not with decency detach himself from the lady whom he should
introduce besides such a supposed connexion would hinder the ladies of
pleasure from accosting and employing their seducing arts upon a person already
engaged
Our young gentleman foreseeing abundance of diversion in the execution of
this project seconded the proposal with such importunity and address that the
painter allowed himself to be habited in a suit belonging to the landlady who
also procured for him a mask and domino while Pickle provided himself with a
Spanish dress In this disguise which they put on about eleven oclock did
they attended by Pipes set out in a Fiacre for the ballroom into which
Pickle led this supposititious female to the astonishment of the whole company
who had never seen such an uncouth figure in the appearance of a woman
After they had taken a view of all the remarkable masques and the painter
had been treated with a glass of liqueur his mischievous companion gave him the
slip and vanishing in an instant returned with another mask and a domino over
his habit that he might enjoy Pallets perplexity and be at hand to protect
him from insult
The poor painter having lost his guide was almost distracted with anxiety
and stalked about the room in quest of him with such huge strides and oddity
of gesture that he was followed by a whole multitude who gazed at him as a
preternatural phænomenon This attendance increased his uneasiness to such a
degree that he could not help uttering a soliloquy aloud in which he cursed
his fate for having depended upon the promise of such a wag and swore that if
once he was clear of this scrape he would not bring himself into such a
premunire again for the whole kingdom of France
Divers petit maitres understanding the masque was a foreigner who in all
probability could not speak French made up to him in their turns in order to
display their wit and address and teized him with several arch questions to
which he made no other answer than »No parly Francy Damn your chattering Go
about your business cant ye« But what most of all contributed to his torture
and mortification was a pressing call from nature in consequence of the
Champaign he had so liberally swallowed in the afternoon In the character of a
woman he neither knew whither to retire nor had he known durst he run the
risk of being discovered in such a situation by the individuals of that sex
and if he should use the privilege of a man in his present appearance he
foresaw that he must subject himself to the ridicule of the whole company so
that he was obliged to suffer the most racking pangs of retention and coursed
round and round the whole place casting many a woeful look among the crowd in
search of Pickle against whom he uttered innumerable execrations At length
however he was compelled to yield to the urgent dictates of necessity and
following several gentlemen into a small adjoining room furnished for the
occasion discharged the source of his vexation in presence of them all crying
in his own excuse »By your leave by your leave Egad necessity has no law«
The circumstances of this operation were so extraordinary and ridiculous that
some of those who were witnesses of it held up their hands in token of
amazement while others ran into the ballroom and called their companions to
see such an unheardof spectacle
Among the masques that upon this intimation came to see the painters
attitude was a person of great quality who being a little acquainted with the
English language waited till Pallet turned about and going up to him »Madam
said he I give you joy of your happy pisse It me seem dat your vatere com
vidout grand pain« »Yes thank God Monsieur replied the painter I never was
troubled with the stone« »Oho resumed the masque so much de bettre You love
to ave de stone vidout trouble if I not mistake« »Gadzooks my dear you have
nicked it to an hair That is the very case as I hope to be saved« cried
Pallet bursting into a violent fit of laughter which divesting the Frenchman
of all ceremony and reserve he began to be very free with the supposed lady
and attempted to plunge his hand into her bosom but the painter was too modest
to suffer such indecent treatment and when the gallant repeated his efforts in
a manner still more indelicate lent him such a box on the ear as made the
lights dance before him and created such a suspicion of Pallets sex that the
nobleman swore he was either a male or hermaphrodite and insisted upon a
scrutiny for the sake of his own honour with such obstinacy of resentment
that the fictitious nymph was in imminent danger not only of being exposed but
also of undergoing severe chastisement for having made so free with the
princes ear when Peregrine who saw and overheard every thing that passed
thought it was high time to interpose and accordingly asserted his pretensions
to the insulted lady who was overjoyed at this proof of his protection
The affronted gallant persevered in demanding to know who she was and our
hero as strenuously refused to give him that satisfaction so that high words
ensued and the prince threatening to punish his insolence the young gentleman
who was not supposed to know his quality pointed to the place where his own
sword used to hang and snapping his fingers in his face laid hold on the
painters arm and led him to another part of the room leaving his antagonist
to the meditations of his own revenge
Pallet having chid his conductor for his barbarous desertion made him
acquainted with the difficulty in which he had been involved and flatly telling
him he would not put it in his power to give him the slip again held fast by
his arm during the remaining part of the entertainment to the no small
diversion of the company whose attention was altogether engrossed in the
contemplation of such an aukward ungainly stalking apparition At last Pickle
being tired of exhibiting this rareeshew complied with the repeated desires of
his companion and handed her into the coach which he himself had no sooner
entered than they were surrounded by a file of musqueteers commanded by an
exempt who ordering the coachdoor to be opened took his place with great
deliberation while one of his detachment mounted the box in order to direct
the driver
Peregrine at once conceived the meaning of this arrest and it was well for
him that he had no weapon wherewith to stand upon his defence for such was the
impetuosity and rashness of his temper that had he been armed he would have
run all risks rather than surrender himself to any odds whatever but Pallet
imagining that the officer was some gentleman who had mistaken their carriage
for his own desired his friend to undeceive the stranger and when he was
informed of the real state of their condition his knees began to shake his
teeth to chatter and he uttered a most doleful lamentation importing his fear
of being carried to some hideous dungeon of the Bastile where he should spend
the rest of his days in misery and horror and never see the light of Gods sun
nor the face of a friend but perish in a foreign land far removed from his
family and connexions Pickle damned him for his pusilanimity and the Exempt
hearing a lady bemoan herself so piteously expressed his mortification at being
the instrument of giving her such pain and endeavoured to console them by
representing the lenity of the French government and the singular generosity of
the prince by whose order they were apprehended
Peregrine whose discretion seemed to forsake him on all such occasions
exclaimed with great bitterness against the arbitrary administration of France
and inveighed with many expressions of contempt against the character of the
offended prince whose resentment far from being noble he said was pitiful
ungenerous and unjust To this remonstrance the officer made no reply but
shrugged up his shoulders in silent astonishment at the hardiesse of the
prisoner and the Fiacre was just on the point of setting out when they heard
the noise of a scuffle at the back of the coach and the voice of Tom Pipes
pronouncing »Ill be damnd if I do« This trusty attendant had been desired by
one of the guard to descend from his station in the rear but as he resolved to
share his masters fate he took no notice of their intreaties until they were
seconded by force and that he endeavoured to repel with his heel which he
applied with such energy to the jaws of the soldier who first came in contact
with him that they emitted a crashing sound like a dried walnut between the
grinders of a templar in the pit Exasperated at this outrage the other saluted
Toms posteriors with his bayonet which incommoded him so much that he could
no longer keep his post but leaping upon the ground gave his antagonist a
chuck under the chin that laid him upon his back and then skipping over him
with infinite agility absconded among the crowd of coaches till he saw the
guard mount before and behind upon his masters Fiacre which no sooner set
forward than he followed at a small distance to reconnoitre the place where
Peregrine should be confined
After having proceeded slowly through many windings and turnings to a part
of Paris in which Pipes was an utter stranger the coach stopped at a great
gate with a wicket in the middle which being opened at the approach of the
carriage the prisoners were admitted and the guard returning with the Fiacre
Tom determined to watch in that place all night that in the morning he might
make such observations as might be conducive to the enlargement of his master
Chapter L
By the Fidelity of Pipes Jolter is informed of his Pupils Fate Confers with
the Physician Applies to the Embassador who with great Difficulty obtains the
Discharge of the Prisoners on certain Conditions
This plan he executed notwithstanding the pain of his wound and the questions
of the city guard both horse and foot to which he could make no other answer
than »Anglois Anglois« and as soon as it was light taking an accurate survey
of the castle for such it seemed to be into which Peregrine and Pallet had
been conveyed together with its situation in respect to the river he went home
to the lodgings and waking Mr Jolter gave him an account of the adventure
The governor wrung his hands in the utmost grief and consternation when he
heard this unfortunate piece of news he did not doubt that his pupil was
imprisoned in the Bastile for life and in the anguish of his apprehension
cursed the day on which he had undertaken to superintend the conduct of such an
imprudent young man who had by reiterated insults provoked the vengeance of
such a mild forbearing administration That he might not however neglect any
means in his power to extricate him from his present misfortune he dispatched
Thomas to the doctor with an account of his companions fate that they might
join their interest in behalf of the captives and the physician being informed
of what had happened immediately dressed himself and repaired to Jolter whom
he accosted in these words »Now sir I hope you are convinced of your error
in asserting that oppression can never be the effect of arbitrary power Such a
calamity as this could never have happened under the Athenian democracy nay
even when the tyrant Pisistratus got possession of that commonwealth he durst
not venture to rule with such absolute and unjust dominion You shall see now
that Mr Pickle and my friend Pallet will fall a sacrifice to the tyranny of
lawless power and in my opinion we shall be accessory to the ruin of this poor
enslaved people if we bestir ourselves in demanding or imploring the release
of our unhappy countrymen as we may thereby prevent the commission of a
flagrant crime which would fill up the vengeance of heaven against the
perpetrators and perhaps be the means of restoring a whole nation to the
unspeakable fruition of freedom For my own part I should rejoice to see the
blood of my father spilt in such a glorious cause provided such a victim would
furnish me with the opportunity of dissolving the chains of slavery and
vindicating that liberty which is the birthright of man Then would my name be
immortalized among the patriot heroes of antiquity and my memory like that of
Harmodius and Aristogiton be honoured by statues erected at the public
expence« This rhapsody which was delivered with great emphasis and agitation
gave so much offence to Jolter that without speaking one word he retired in
great wrath to his own chamber and the republican returned to his lodging in
full hope of his prognostic being verified in the death and destruction of
Peregrine and the painter which must give rise to some renowned revolution
wherein he himself would act a principal part But the governor whose
imagination was not quite so warm and prolifick went directly to the
Embassador whom he informed of his pupils situation and besought to interpose
with the French ministry that he and the other British subject might obtain
their liberty
His excellency asked if Jolter could guess at the cause of his imprisonment
that he might be the better prepared to vindicate or excuse his conduct but
neither he nor Pipes could give the smallest hint of intelligence on that
subject though he furnished himself from Toms own mouth with a circumstantial
account of the manner in which his master had been arrested as well as of his
own behaviour and the disaster he had received on that occasion His Lordship
never doubted that Pickle had brought this calamity upon himself by some unlucky
prank he had played at the masquerade especially when he understood that the
young gentleman had drank freely in the afternoon and been so whimsical as to
go thither with a man in womans apparel and he that same day waited on the
French minister in full confidence of obtaining his discharge but met with
more difficulty than he expected the court of France being extremely
punctilious in every thing that concerns a prince of the blood the ambassador
was therefore obliged to talk in very high terms and though the present
circumstances of the French politicks would not allow them to fall out with the
British administration for trifles all the favour he could procure was a
promise that Pickle should be set at liberty provided he would ask pardon of
the prince to whom he had given offence His excellency thought this was but a
reasonable condescension supposing Peregrine to have been in the wrong and
Jolter was admitted to him in order to communicate and reinforce his Lordships
advice which was that he should comply with the terms proposed The governor
who did not enter this gloomy fortress without fear and trembling found his
pupil in a dismal apartment void of all furniture but a stool and trucklebed
the moment he was admitted he perceived the youth whistling with great
unconcern and working with his pencil at the bare wall on which he had
delineated a ludicrous figure labelled with the name of the nobleman whom he had
affronted and an English mastiff with his leg lifted up in the attitude of
making water in his shoe He had been even so presumptuous as to explain the
device with satirical inscriptions in the French language which when Jolter
perused his hair stood on end with affright The very turnkey was confounded
and overawed by the boldness of his behaviour which he had never seen matched
by any inhabitant of that place and actually joined his friend in persuading
him to submit to the easy demand of the minister But our hero far from
embracing the counsel of this advocate handed him to the door with great
ceremony and dismissed him with a kick on the breech and to all the
supplications and even tears of Jolter made no other reply than that he would
stoop to no condescension because he had committed no crime but would leave
his case to the cognizance and exertion of the British court whose duty it was
to see justice done to its own subjects he desired however that Pallet who
was confined in another place might avail himself of his own disposition which
was sufficiently plyable But when the governor desired to see his fellow the
turnkey gave him to understand that he had received no orders relating to the
lady and therefore could not admit him into her apartment though he was
complaisant enough to tell him that she seemed very much mortified at her
confinement and at certain times behaved as if her brain was not a little
disordered Jolter thus baffled in all his endeavours quitted the Bastile with
a heavy heart and reported his fruitless negociation to the Embassador who
could not help breaking forth into some acrimonious expressions against the
obstinacy and insolence of the young man who he said deserved to suffer for
his folly Nevertheless he did not desist from his representations to the
French ministry which he found so unyielding that he was obliged to threaten
in plain terms to make it a national concern and not only write to his court
for instructions but even advise the council to make reprisals and send some
French gentleman in London to the Tower
This intimation had an effect upon the ministry at Versailles who rather
than run the risk of incensing a people whom it was neither their interest nor
inclination to disoblige consented to discharge the offenders on condition
that they should leave Paris in three days after their enlargement This
proposal was readily agreed to by Peregrine who was now a little more
tractable and heartily tired of being cooped up in such an uncomfortable abode
for the space of three long days without any sort of communication or
entertainment but that which his own imagination suggested
Chapter LI
Peregrine makes himself merry at the Expence of the Painter who curses his
Landlady and breaks with the Doctor
As he could easily conceive the situation of his companion in adversity he was
unwilling to leave the place until he had reaped some diversion from his
distress and with that view repaired to the dungeon of the afflicted painter
to which he had by this time free access When he entered the first object that
presented itself to his eye was so uncommonly ridiculous that he could scarce
preserve that gravity of countenance which he had affected in order to execute
the joke he had planned The forlorn Pallet sat upright in his bed in a
dishabille that was altogether extraordinary He had laid aside his monstrous
hoop together with his stays gown and petticoat wrapped his lappets about his
head by way of a nightcap and wore his domino as a loose morning dress his
grizzled locks hung down about his lacklustre eyes and tawny neck in all the
disorder of negligence his grey beard bristled about half an inch through the
remains of the paint with which his visage had been bedaubed and every feature
of his face was lengthened to the most ridiculous expression of grief and
dismay Seeing Peregrine come in he started up in a sort of frantic extasy and
running towards him with open arms no sooner perceived the woeful appearance
into which our hero had modelled his physiognomy than he stopped short all of a
sudden and the joy which had begun to take possession of his heart was in a
moment dispelled by the most rueful presages so that he stood in a most
ludicrous posture of dejection like a malefactor at the Old Baily when
sentence is about to be pronounced Pickle taking him by the hand heaved a
profound sigh and after having protested that he was extremely mortified at
being pitched upon as the messenger of bad news told him with an air of
sympathy and infinite concern that the French court having discovered his sex
had resolved in consideration of the outrageous indignity he offered in public
to a prince of the blood to detain him in the Bastile a prisoner for life and
that this sentence was a mitigation obtained by the importunities of the British
Embassador the punishment ordained by law being no other than breaking alive
upon the wheel These tidings aggravated the horrors of the painter to such a
degree that he roared aloud and skipped about the room in all the
extravagance of distraction taking God and man to witness that he would rather
suffer immediate death than endure one years imprisonment in such a hideous
place and cursing the hour of his birth and the moment on which he departed
from his own country »For my own part said his tormentor in an hypocritical
tone I was obliged to swallow the bitter pill of making submissions to the
prince who as I had not presumed to strike him received acknowledgments in
consequence of which I shall be this day set at liberty and there is even one
expedient left for the recovery of your freedom It is I own a disagreeable
remedy but one had better undergo a little mortification than be for ever
wretched Besides upon second thoughts I begin to imagine that you will not
for such a trifle sacrifice yourself to the unceasing horrors of a solitary
dungeon especially as your condescension will in all probability be attended
with advantages which you could not otherwise enjoy« Pallet interrupting him
with great eagerness begged for the love of God that he would no longer keep
him in the torture of suspence but mention that same remedy which he was
resolved to swallow let it be never so unpalatable
Peregrine having thus played upon his passions of fear and hope answered
that as the offence was committed in the habit of a woman which was a disguise
unworthy of the other sex the French court was of opinion that the delinquent
should for ever forfeit the privileges and characteristic of a man which he had
so shamefully deposited or in other words, be deprived of his virility so that
there was an alternative at his own option by which he had it in his power to
regain immediate freedom »What cried the painter in despair part with my
manhood and become a singer Gadzooks and the devil and all that Ill rather
lie still where I am and let myself be devoured by vermin« Then thrusting out
his throat »Here is my windpipe said he be so good my dear friend as to
give it a slice or two if you dont I shall one of these days be found
dangling in my garters What an unfortunate rascal I am What a blockhead and a
beast and a fool was I to trust myself among such a barbarous ruffian race
Lord forgive you Mr Pickle for having been the immediate cause of my
disaster if you had stood by me from the beginning according to your promise
and directed me to a proper place where I could have made water without being
exposed I should not have been teized by that coxcomb who has brought me to
this pass And why did I put on this damnd unlucky dress Lard curse that
chattering Jezabel of a landlady who advised such a preposterous disguise a
disguise which hath not only brought me to this pass but also rendered me
abominable to myself and frightful to others for when I this morning
signified to the turnkey that I wanted to be shaved he looked at my beard with
astonishment and crossing himself muttered his paternoster believing me I
suppose to be a witch or something worse And heaven confound that loathsome
banquet of the ancients which provoked me to drink too freely that I might
wash away the taste of that accursed sillikicaby«
Our young gentleman having heard his lamentation to an end excused himself
for his conduct by representing that he could not possibly foresee the
disagreeable consequences that attended it and in the mean time strenuously
counselled him to submit to the terms of his enlargement He observed that he
was now arrived at that time of life when the lusts of the flesh should be
entirely mortified within him and his greatest concern ought to be the health
of his soul to which nothing could more effectually contribute than the
amputation which was proposed that his body as well as his mind would profit
by the change because he would have no dangerous appetite to gratify and no
carnal thoughts to divert him from the duties of his profession and his voice
which was naturally sweet would improve to such a degree that he would
captivate the ears of all the people of fashion and taste and in a little time
he celebrated under the appellation of the English Senesino
These arguments did not fail to make impression upon the painter who
nevertheless started three objections to his compliance namely the disgrace
of the punishment the pain of the operation and the dread of his wife Pickle
undertook to obviate these difficulties by assuring him that the sentence
would be executed so privately as never to transpire that the excision as he
had learnt from Motecelli was not so painful as the drawing of a tooth and
that his wife could not be so unconscionable after so many years of
cohabitation as to take exceptions to an expedient by which she would not only
enjoy the conversation of her husband but even the fruits of those talents
which the knife would so remarkably refine
Pallet shook his head at this last remonstrance as if he thought it would
not be altogether convincing to his spouse but yielded to the proposal
provided her consent could be obtained Just as he signified this condescension
the gaoler entered and addressing himself to the supposed lady expressed his
satisfaction in having the honour to tell her that she was no longer a
prisoner As the painter did not understand one word of what he said Peregrine
undertook the office of interpreter and made his friend believe the gaolers
speech was no other than an intimation that the ministry had sent a surgeon to
execute what was proposed and that the instruments and dressings were prepared
in the next room Alarmed and terrified at this sudden appointment he flew to
the other end of the room and snatching up an earthen chamberpot which was
the only offensive weapon in the place put himself in a posture of defiance
and with many oaths threatened to try the temper of the barbers skull if he
should presume to set his nose within the apartment
The gaoler who little expected such a reception concluded that the poor
gentlewoman had actually lost her wits and retreated with precipitation
leaving the door open as he went out Upon which Pickle gathering up the
particulars of his dress with great dispatch crammed them into Pallets arms
and taking notice that now the coast was clear exhorted him to follow his
footsteps to the gate where a hackneycoach stood for his reception There
being no time for hesitation the painter took his advice and without quitting
the utensil which in his hurry he forgot to lay down sallied out in the rear
of our hero with all that wildness of terror and impatience which may be
reasonably supposed to take possession of a man who flies from castration or
perpetual imprisonment Such was the tumult of his agitation that his faculty
of thinking was for the present utterly overwhelmed and he saw no object but
his conductor whom he followed by a sort of instinctive impulse without
regarding the keepers and centinels who as he passed with his cloaths under
one arm and his chamberpot brandished above his head were confounded and
even dismayed at the strange apparition
During the whole course of this irruption he ceased not to cry with great
vociferation »Drive coachman drive in the name of God« And the carriage had
proceeded the length of a whole street before he manifested the least sign of
reflection but stared like the Gorgons head with his mouth wide open and
each particular hair crawling and twining like an animated serpent At length
however he began to recover the use of his senses and asked if Peregrine
thought him now out of all danger of being retaken This unrelenting wag not
yet satisfied with the affliction he had imposed upon the sufferer answered
with an air of doubt and concern that he hoped they would not be overtaken and
prayed to God they might not be retarded by an Embaras Pallet fervently joined
in this supplication and they advanced a few yards further when the noise of a
coach at full speed behind them invaded their ears and Pickle having looked
out at the window withdrew his head in seeming confusion and exclaimed »Lord
have mercy upon us I wish that may not be a guard sent after us Methinks I saw
the muzzle of a fusil sticking out of the coach« The painter hearing these
tidings that instant thrust himself half out at the window with his helmet
still in his hand bellowing to the coachman as loud as he could roar »Drive
damn ye drive to the gates of Jericho and ends of the earth Drive you
raggamuffin you rapscallion you hellhound drive us to the pit of hell
rather than we should be taken and lose the treasures of virility«
Such a phantom could not pass without attracting the curiosity of the
people who ran to their doors and windows in order to behold this object of
admiration With the same view that coach which was supposed to be in pursuit
of him stopt just as the windows of each happened to be opposite and Pallet
looking behind and seeing three men standing upon the footboard armed with
canes which his fear converted into fusils never doubted that his friends
suspicion was just but shaking his jordan at the imaginary guard swore he
would sooner die than part with his precious ware The owner of the coach who
was a nobleman of the first quality mistook him for some unhappy woman deprived
of her senses and ordering his coachman to proceed convinced the fugitive to
his infinite joy that this was no more than a false alarm He was not for all
that freed from anxiety and trepidation but our young gentleman fearing his
brain would not bear a repetition of the same joke permitted him to gain his
own lodgings without further molestation
His landlady meeting him on the stair was so affected at his appearance
that she screamed aloud and betook herself to flight while he cursing her
with great bitterness rushed into the apartment of the doctor who instead of
receiving him with cordial embraces and congratulating him upon his
deliverance gave evident tokens of umbrage and discontent and even plainly
told him he hoped to have heard that he and Mr Pickle had acted the glorious
part of Cato an event which would have laid the foundation of such noble
struggles as could not fail to end in happiness and freedom and that he had
already made some progress in an ode that would have immortalized their names
and inspired the flame of liberty in every honest breast
»There said he I would have proved that great talents and high
sentiments of liberty do reciprocally produce and assist each other and
illustrated my assertions with such notes and quotations from the Greek writers
as would have opened the eyes of the most blind and unthinking and touched the
most callous and obdurate heart O fool to think the man whose ample mind must
grasp whatever yonder stars survey Pray Mr Pallet what is your opinion of
that image of the minds grasping the whole universe For my own part I cant
help thinking it the most happy conception that ever entered my imagination«
The painter who was not such a flaming enthusiast in the cause of liberty
could not brook the doctors reflexions which he thought savoured a little too
much of indifference and deficiency in point of private friendship and
therefore seized the present opportunity of mortifying his pride by observing
that the image was without all doubt very grand and magnificent but that he
had been obliged for the idea to Mr Bayes in The Rehearsal who values himself
upon the same figure conveyed in these words But all these clouds when by the
eye of reason graspd etc Upon any other occasion the painter would have
triumphed greatly in this detection but such was the flutter and confusion of
his spirits under the apprehension of being retaken that without further
communication he retreated to his own room in order to resume his own dress
which he hoped would alter his appearance in such a manner as to baffle all
search and examination while the physician remained ashamed and abashed to
find himself convicted of plagiarism by a person of such contemptible talents
He was offended at this proof of his memory and so much enraged at his
presumption in exhibiting it that he could never forgive his want of reverence
and took every opportunity of exposing his ignorance and folly in the sequel
Indeed the ties of private affection were too weak to engage the heart of this
republican whose zeal for the community had entirely swallowed up his concern
for individuals He looked upon particular friendship as a passion unworthy of
his ample soul and was a professed admirer of L Manlius Junius Brutus and
those later patriots of the same name who shut their ears against the cries of
nature and resisted all the dictates of gratitude and humanity
Chapter LII
Pallet conceives an hearty Contempt for his Fellowtraveller and attaches
himself to Pickle who nevertheless persecutes him with his mischievous
Talent upon the Road to Flanders
In the mean time his companion having employed divers pails full of water in
clearing himself from the squalor of a jail submitted his face to the barber
tinged his eyebrows with a sable hue and being dressed in his own cloaths
ventured to visit Peregrine who was still under the hands of his valet de
chambre and who gave him to understand that his escape had been connived at
and that the condition of their deliverance was their departure from Paris in
three days
The painter was transported with joy when he learnt that he ran no risque
of being retaken and far from repining at the terms of his enlargement would
have willingly set out on his return to England that same afternoon for the
Bastile had made such an impression upon him that he started at the sound of
every coach and turned pale at sight of a French soldier In the fullness of
his heart he complained of the doctors indifference and related what had
passed at their meeting with evident marks of resentment and disrespect which
were not at all diminished when Jolter informed him of the physicians
behaviour when he sent for him to confer about the means of abridging their
confinement Pickle himself was incensed at his want of bowels and perceiving
how much he had sunk in the opinion of his fellowtraveller resolved to
encourage these sentiments of disgust and occasionally foment the division to a
downright quarrel which he foresaw would produce some diversion and perhaps
expose the poets character in such a light as would effectually punish him for
his arrogance and barbarity With this view he levelled several satirical jokes
at the doctors pedantry and want of taste which had appeared so conspicuous in
the quotations he had got by heart from ancient authors in his affected
disdain of the best pictures in the world which had he been endowed with the
least share of discernment he could not have beheld with such insensibility
and lastly in his ridiculous banquet which none but an egregious coxcomb
devoid of all elegance and sense would have prepared or presented to rational
beings In a word our young gentleman played the artillery of his wit against
him with such success that the painter seemed to wake from a dream and went
home with the most hearty contempt for the person he had formerly adored
Instead of using the privilege of a friend to enter his apartment without
ceremony he sent in his servant with a message importing that he intended to
set out from Paris next day in company with Mr Pickle and desiring to know
whether or not he was or would be prepared for the journey The doctor struck
with the manner as well as the matter of this intimation went immediately to
Pallets room and demanded to know the cause of such a sudden determination
without his privity or concurrence and when he understood the necessity of
their affairs rather than travel by himself he ordered his baggage to be
packed up and signified his readiness to conform to the emergency of the case
though he was not at all pleased with the cavalier behaviour of Pallet to whom
he threw out some hints of his own importance and the immensity of his
condescension in favouring him with such marks of regard But by this time
these insinuations had lost their effect upon the painter who told him with an
arch sneer that he did not at all question his learning and abilities and
particularly his skill in cookery which he should never forget while his palate
retained its function but nevertheless advised him for the sake of the
degenerate eaters of these days to spare a little of his sal armoniac in the
next sillykickaby he should prepare and bate somewhat of the devils dung
which he had so plentifully crammed into the roasted fowls unless he had a mind
to convert his guests into patients with a view of licking himself whole for
the expence of the entertainment
The physician nettled at these sarcasms eyed him with a look of
indignation and disdain and being unwilling to express himself in English lest
in the course of the altercation Pallet should be so much irritated as to depart
without him he vented his anger in Greek pronouncing with great rancour
Akritomyte ligys per eon agorhtns Isxeo mhdA etelA oios erizemenai
basileysin The painter though by the sound he supposed this quotation to be
Greek complimented his friend upon his knowledge in the Welch language and
found means to rally him quite out of temper so that he retired to his own
chamber in the utmost wrath and mortification and left his antagonist exulting
oer the victory he had won
While these things passed between these originals Peregrine waited upon the
Embassador whom he thanked for his kind interposition acknowledging the
indiscretion of his own conduct with such appearance of conviction and promises
of reformation that his Excellency freely forgave him for all the trouble he
had been put to on his account fortified him with sensible advices and
assuring him of his continual favour and friendship gave him at parting
letters of introduction to several persons of quality belonging to the British
court
Thus distinguished our young gentleman took leave of all his French
acquaintance and spent the evening with some of those who had enjoyed the
greatest share of his intimacy and confidence while Jolter superintended his
domestic concerns and with infinite joy bespoke a postchaise and horses in
order to convey him from a place where he lived in continual apprehension of
suffering by the dangerous disposition of his pupil Every thing being adjusted
according to their plan they and their fellowtravellers next day dined
together and about four in the afternoon took their departure in two chaises
escorted by the valet de chambre Pipes and the doctors lacquey on horseback
well furnished with arms and ammunition in case of being attacked by robbers on
the road
It was about eleven oclock at night when they arrived at Senlis which was
the place at which they proposed to lodge and where they were obliged to knock
up the people of the inn before they could have their supper prepared All the
provision in the house was but barely sufficient to furnish one indifferent
meal however the painter consoled himself for the quantity with the quality of
the dishes one of which was a fricassee of rabbit a preparation that he valued
above all the dainties that ever smoaked upon the table of the sumptuous
Heliogabalus
He had no sooner expressed himself to this effect than our hero who was
almost incessantly laying traps for diversion at his neighbours expence laid
hold on the declaration and recollecting the story of Scipio and the muleteer
in Gil Blas resolved to perpetrate a joke upon the stomach of Pallet which
seemed particularly well disposed to an hearty supper He accordingly digested
his plan and the company being seated at table affected to gaze with peculiar
eagerness at the painter who had helped himself to a large portion of the
fricassee and began to swallow it with infinite relish Pallet notwithstanding
the keenness of his appetite could not help taking notice of Pickles
demeanour and making a short pause in the exercise of his grinders »You are
surprized said he to see me make so much dispatch but I was extremely hungry
and this is one of the best fricassees I ever tasted the French are very expert
in these dishes that I must allow and upon my conscience I would never desire
to eat a more delicate rabbit than this that lies upon my plate«
Peregrine made no other reply to this encomium than the repetition of the
word »rabbit« with a note of admiration and such a significant shake of the
head as effectually alarmed the other who instantly suspended the action of
his jaws and with the morsel half chewed in his mouth stared round him with a
certain stolidity of apprehension which is easier conceived than described
until his eyes encountered the countenance of Thomas Pipes who being
instructed and posted opposite to him for the occasion exhibited an arch grin
that compleated the painters disorder Afraid of swallowing his mouthful and
ashamed to dispose of it any other way he sat some time in a most distressed
state of suspence and being questioned by Mr Jolter touching his calamity
made a violent effort of the muscles of his gullet which with difficulty
performed their office and then with great confusion and concern asked if Mr
Pickle suspected the rabbits identity The young gentleman assuming a
mysterious air pretended ignorance of the matter observing that he was apt to
suspect all dishes of that kind since he had been informed of the tricks which
were commonly played at inns in France Italy and Spain and recounted that
passage in Gil Blas which we have hinted at above saying he did not pretend
to be a connoisseur in animals but the legs of the creature which composed that
fricassee did not in his opinion resemble those of the rabbits he had usually
seen This observation had an evident effect upon the features of the painter
who with certain signs of loathing and astonishment exclaimed »Lord Jesus«
and appealed to Pipes for a discovery of the truth by asking if he knew any
thing of the affair Tom very gravely replied that he did suppose the food was
wholesome enough for he had seen the skin and feet of a special ramcat new
flead hanging upon the door of a small pantry adjoining to the kitchen
Before this sentence was uttered Pallets belly seemed to move in contact
with his backbone his colour changed no part but the whites of his eyes were
to be seen he dropped his lower jaw and fixing his hands in his sides reached
with such convulsive agonies as amazed and disconcerted the whole company and
what augmented his disorder was the tenacious retention of his stomach which
absolutely refused to part with its contents notwithstanding all the energy of
his abhorrence which threw him into a cold sweat and almost into a swoon
Pickle alarmed at his condition assured him it was a genuine rabbit and
that he had tutored Pipes to say otherwise for the jokes sake But this
confession he considered as a friendly artifice of Pickles compassion and
therefore it had little effect upon his constitution By the assistance
however of a large bumper of brandy his spirits were recruited and his
recollection so far recovered that he was able to declare with divers
contorsions of face that the dish had a particular rankness of taste which he
had imputed partly to the nature of the French coney and partly to the
composition of their sauces then he inveighed against the infamous practices of
French publicans attributing such imposition to their oppressive government
which kept them so necessitous that they were tempted to exercise all manner of
knavery upon their unwary guests
Jolter who could not find in his heart to let slip any opportunity of
speaking in favour of the French told him that he was a very great stranger to
their police else he would know that if upon information to the magistrate it
should appear that any traveller native or foreigner has been imposed upon or
illtreated by a publican the offender would be immediately obliged to shut up
his house and if his behaviour had been notorious he himself would be sent to
the gallies without the least hesitation »and as for the dish which hath been
made the occasion of your present disorder said he I will take upon me to
affirm it was prepared of a genuine rabbit which was skinned in my presence
and in confirmation of what I assert though such fricassees are not the
favourites of my taste I will eat a part of this without scruple« So saying
he swallowed several mouthfuls of the questioned coney and Pallet seemed to eye
it again with inclination nay he even resumed his knife and fork and being
just on the point of applying them was seized with another qualm of
apprehension that broke out in an exclamation of »After all Mr Jolter if it
should be a real ramcat Lord have mercy upon me here is one of the claws«
With these words he presented the tip of a toe of which Pipes had snipt off
five or six from a duck that was roasted and purposely scattered them in the
fricassee and the governor could not behold this testimonial without symptoms
of uneasiness and remorse so that he and the painter sat silenced and abashed
and made faces at each other while the physician who hated them both exulted
over their affliction bidding them be of good chear and proceed with their
meal for he was ready to demonstrate that the flesh of a cat was as nourishing
and delicious as veal or mutton provided they could prove that the said cat
was not of the boarkind and had fed chiefly on vegetable diet or even
confined its carnivorous appetite to rats and mice which he affirmed to be
dainties of exquisite taste and flavour He said it was a vulgar mistake to
think that all fleshdevouring creatures were unfit to be eaten witness the
consumption of swine and ducks animals that delight in carnage as well as
fish that prey upon each other and feed on bait and carrion together with the
demand for bear of which the best hams in the world are made He then observed
that the Negroes on the coast of Guinea who are a healthy and vigorous people
prefer cats and dogs to all other fare and mentioned from history several
sieges during which the inhabitants who were blocked up lived upon these
animals and had recourse even to human flesh which to his certain knowledge
was in all respects preferable to pork for in the course of his studies he
had for the experiments sake eaten a steak cut from the buttock of a person
who had been hanged
This dissertation far from composing increased the disquiet in the
stomachs of the governor and painter who hearing the last illustration turned
their eyes upon the orator at the same instant with looks of horror and
disgust and the one muttering the term Cannibal and the other pronouncing the
word abomination they rose from table in a great hurry and running towards
another apartment justled with such violence in the passage that both were
overturned by the shock which also contributed to the effect of their nausea
that mutually defiled them as they lay
Chapter LIII
Nor is the Physician sacred from his Ridicule They reach Arras where our
Adventurer engages in Play with two French Officers who next Morning give the
Landlord an interesting Proof of their Importance
Though Pickle enjoyed their disaster he was resolved to practise some invention
upon the doctor that he might not triumph in his revenge with impunity and
thus determined when Pallet had overcome the malady of his own imagination he
imparted to him a plan of reprizal which agreeably flattered his resentment
and was executed in this manner as the painter and physician lay in separate
beds in the same chamber the former watched till by the others snoring he was
certified of his being fast asleep then moving softly to the door where Pipes
stood ready furnished for the purpose took a teakettle full of warm water and
cautiously conveying the spout under the cloaths of the doctors bed poured in
the liquor imperceptibly to the quantity of half a gallon and then retired to
rest
Peregrine having undertaken to rouze his fellowtravellers in the morning
entered the doctors apartment with the dawn and waked them both with the same
hollow The painter immediately sprung out of bed but the physician finding
himself drenched from head to foot was equally astonished and ashamed never
doubting that he had unfortunately bedewed himself in his sleep This mistake he
thought so inconsistent with the dignity of his character that he durst not
venture to disclose his condition especially as he well knew how eagerly the
company would seize such an occasion of making merry at his expence and it
would be impracticable to conceal it from their knowledge if he should be
obliged to get up in their presence he therefore lay still in the utmost
perplexity and tribulation while his two companions guessing his thoughts and
rejoicing at his anxiety sat down by his bedside and exhorted him to rise He
told them that having sweated profusely all night he could not with any
regard to his health get up until he should be shifted and the pores of his
skin regularly closed and in the mean time desired they would take the trouble
of seeing the horses put to the chaises and the reckoning adjusted assuring
them he should be ready to attend them before their business could be
dispatched Our young gentleman gave him to understand that Mr Jolter had
charged himself with the payment of the bill and the servants were now employed
about the carriages so that he had not a moment to lose he therefore rung the
bell for his footman and bade him bring a clean shirt for his master with all
possible speed
Ere the fellow returned it was broad day and a message came from the
governor importing that the horses were yoked The doctors confusion
increased he was tortured by the looks and baited by the importunities of his
company and moreover suffered the uncomfortable situation of being steeped as
he imagined in his own brine At length Peregrine impatient of his delay took
the privilege of a comrade and accusing the republican of sloth pulled off the
bedcloaths at one snatch and displayed him at full length in this opprobrious
condition
The painter seeing him thus exposed lifted up his hands and in affected
astonishment »Lord watch over us cried he the doctor is a dead man sure the
whole sap of his body is run out or have you spilt a whole dish of sillykickaby
in the bed for it smells cursedly strong of sal armoniac« Peregrine in order
to compleat the physicians overthrow shut up his nostrils with his finger and
thumb and asked in a snuffling tone if he was subject to that infirmity
Unspeakable were the shame and vexation of the modern Pindar on this
occasion he was at the same time tormented with all the pangs which mortified
vanity can feel and agitated by all the furies of resentment against the
persons who had detected his disgrace and who having thus insulted him in his
distress quitted the room with a loud laugh leaving him to the thorny
reflections of his own pride Nor could the painter who was not at all to be
praised for his moderation abstain from certain illnatured allusions to his
calamity which by these means reached the ears of the governor from whom of
all men he desired to keep it concealed so that he remained sullen and
dejected during the whole journey not but that he attempted to recover his
importance by haranguing upon the Roman highways when Mr Jolter desired the
company to take notice of the fine pavement upon which they travelled from Paris
into Flanders but Pallet who thought he had now gained the ascendency over the
physician exerted himself in maintaining the superiority he had acquired by
venting various sarcasms upon his selfconceit and affectation of learning and
even uttering puns and conundrums upon the remarks which the republican
retailed When he talked of the Flaminian Way the painter questioned if it was
a better pavement than the Fleminian way on which they travelled and the doctor
having observed that this road was made for the convenience of drawing the
French artillery into Flanders which was often the seat of war his competitor
in wit replied with infinite vivacity »There are more great guns than the
French king knows of drawn along this causeway doctor«
Encouraged by the success of these efforts which tickled the imagination of
Jolter and drew smiles as he imagined of approbation from our hero he
sported in many other æquivoques of the same nature and at dinner told the
physician that he was like the root of the tongue as being cursedly down in
the mouth
By this time such was the animosity subsisting between these quondam
friends that they never conversed together except with a view of exposing each
other to the ridicule or contempt of their fellowtravellers The doctor was at
great pains to point out the folly and ignorance of Pallet in private to
Peregrine who was often conjured in the same manner by the painter to take
notice of the physicians want of manners and taste Pickle pretended to
acquiesce in the truth of their mutual severity which indeed was extremely
just and by malicious insinuations blew up their contention with a view of
bringing it to open hostility But both seemed so averse to deeds of mortal
purpose that for a long time his arts were baffled and he could not spirit
them up to any pitch of resentment higher than scurrilous repartee
Before they reached Arras the citygates were shut so that they were
obliged to take up their lodging at an indifferent house in the suburbs where
they found a couple of French officers who had also rode post from Paris so
far on their way to Lisle These gentlemen were about the age of thirty and
their deportment distinguished by such an air of insolence as disgusted our
hero who nevertheless accosted them politely in the yard and proposed that
they should sup together They thanked him for the honour of his invitation
which however they declined upon pretence of having ordered something for
themselves but promised to wait upon him and his company immediately after
their repast
This they accordingly performed and after having drank a few glasses of
Burgundy one of them asked if the young gentleman would for pastime take an
hand at quadrille Peregrine easily divined the meaning of this proposal which
was made with no other view than that of fleecing him and his fellowtravellers
for he well knew to what shifts a subaltern in the French service is reduced in
order to maintain the appearance of a gentleman and had reason to believe that
most of them were sharpers from their youth but as he depended a good deal
upon his own penetration and address he gratified the strangers desire and a
party was instantly formed of the painter the physician the proposer and
himself the other officer having professed himself utterly ignorant of the
game yet in the course of the play he took his station at the back of
Pickles chair which was opposite to his friend on pretence of amusing himself
with seeing his manner of conducting the cards The youth was not such a novice
but that he perceived the design of this palpable piece of behaviour which
notwithstanding he overlookd for the present with a view of flattering their
hopes in the beginning that they might be the more effectually punished by
their disappointment in the end
The game was scarce begun when by the reflection of a glass he discerned
the officer at his back making signs to his companion who by these
preconcerted gestures was perfectly informed of the contents of Peregrines
hand and of consequence fortunate in the course of play
Thus they were allowed to enjoy the fruits of their dexterity until their
money amounted to some Louis when our young gentleman thinking it high time to
do himself justice signified in very polite terms to the gentleman who stood
behind him that he could never play with ease and deliberation when he was
overlooked by any bystander and beggd that he would have the goodness to be
seated
As this was a remonstrance which the stranger could not with any shew of
breeding resist he asked pardon and retired to the chair of the physician who
frankly told him that it was not the fashion of his country for one to submit
his hand to the perusal of a spectator and when in consequence of this rebuff
he wanted to quarter himself upon the painter he was refused by a wave of the
hand and a shake of the head with an exclamation of Pardonnez moi which was
repeated with such emphasis as discomposed his effrontery and he found himself
obliged to sit down in a state of mortification
The odds being thus removed fortune proceeded in her usual channel and
though the Frenchman deprived of his ally endeavoured to practise divers
strokes of finesse the rest of the company observed him with such vigilance and
caution as baffled all his attempts and in a very little time he was compelled
to part with his winning but having engaged in the match with an intention of
taking all advantages whether fair or unfair that his superior skill should
give him over the Englishmen the money was not refunded without a thousand
disputes in the course of which he essayed to intimidate his antagonist with
high words which were retorted by our hero with such interest as convinced him
that he had mistaken his man and persuaded him to make his retreat in quiet
Indeed it was not without cause that they repined at the bad success of their
enterprize because in all likelihood they had nothing to depend upon for the
present but their own industry and knew not how to defray their expences on the
road except by some acquisition of this kind
Next morning they rose at daybreak and resolving to anticipate their
fellowlodgers bespoke posthorses as soon as they could be admitted into the
city so that when our company appeared their beasts were ready in the yard
and they only waited to discuss the bill which they had ordered to be made out
The landlord of the inn presented his carte with fear and trembling to one of
those ferocious cavaliers who no sooner cast his eye upon the sum total than
he discharged a volley of dreadful oaths and asked if the kings officers were
to be treated in that manner The poor publican protested with great humility
that he had the utmost respect for his majesty and every thing that belonged to
him and that far from consulting his own interest all that he desired was to
be barely indemnified for the expence of their lodging
This condescension seemed to have no other effect than that of encouraging
their arrogance They swore his extortion should be explained to the commandant
of the town who would by making him a public example teach other innkeepers
how to behave towards men of honour and threatened with such confidence of
indignation that the wretched landlord dreading the consequence of their
wrath implored pardon in the most abject manner begging with many
supplications that he might have the pleasure of lodging them at his own
charge This was a favour which he with great difficulty obtained they chid him
severely for his imposition exhorted him to have more regard for his own
conscience as well as for the convenience of his guests and cautioning him in
particular touching his behaviour to the gentlemen of the army mounted their
horses and rode off in great state leaving him very thankful for having so
successfully appeased the choler of two officers who wanted either inclination
or ability to pay their bill for experience had taught him to be apprehensive
of all such travellers who commonly lay the landlord under contribution by way
of atonement for the extravagance of his demands even after he has professed
his willingness to entertain them on their own terms
Chapter LIV
Peregrine moralizes upon their Behaviour which is condemned by the Doctor and
defended by the Governor They arrive in Safety at Lisle dine at an Ordinary
visit the Citadel The Physician quarrels with a NorthBriton who is put in
Arrest
These honourable adventurers being gone Peregrine who was present during the
transaction informed himself of the particulars from the mouth of the
innkeeper himself who took God and the saints to witness that he should have
been a loser by their custom even if the bill had been paid because he was on
his guard against their objections and had charged every article at an under
price but such was the authority of officers in France that he durst not
dispute the least circumstance of their will for had the case come under the
cognizance of the magistrate he must in course have suffered by the maxims of
their government which never fail to abet the oppression of the army and
besides run the risque of incurring their future resentment which would be
sufficient to ruin him from top to bottom
Our hero boiled with indignation at this instance of injustice and arbitrary
power and turning to his governor asked if this too was a proof of the
happiness enjoyed by the French people Jolter replied that every human
constitution must in some things be imperfect and owned that in this kingdom
gentlemen were more countenanced than the vulgar because it was to be presumed
that their own sentiments of honour and superior qualifications would entitle
them to this preheminence which had also a retrospective view to the merit of
their ancestors in consideration of which they were at first ennobled but he
affirmed that the innkeeper had misrepresented the magistracy which in France
never failed to punish flagrant outrages and abuse without respect of persons
The painter approved of the wisdom of the French government in bridling the
insolence of the mob by which he assured them he had often suffered in his
own person having been often bespattered by hackneycoachmen justled by
draymen and porters and reviled in the most opprobrious terms by the watermen
of London where he had once lost his bag and a considerable quantity of hair
which had been cut off by some rascal in his passage through Ludgate during the
lord mayors procession On the other hand the doctor with great warmth
alledged that those officers ought to suffer death or banishment at least for
having plundered the people in this manner which was so impudent and barefaced
as plainly to prove they were certain of escaping with impunity and that they
were old offenders in the same degree of delinquency He said that the greatest
man in Athens would have been condemned to perpetual exile and seen his estate
confiscated for public use had he dared in such a licentious manner to violate
the rights of a fellowcitizen and as for the little affronts to which a man may
be subject from the petulance of the multitude he looked upon them as glorious
indications of liberty which ought not to be repressed and would at any time
rejoice to find himself overthrown in a kennel by the insolence of a son of
freedom even though the fall should cost him a limb adding by way of
illustration that the greatest pleasure he ever enjoyed was in seeing a
dustman wilfully overturn a gentlemans coach in which two ladies were bruised
even to the danger of their lives Pallet shocked at the extravagance of this
declaration »If that be the case said he I wish you may see every bone in
your body broke by the first carman you meet in the streets of London«
This argument being discussed and the reckoning discharged without any
deduction although the landlord in stating the articles had an eye to the
loss he had sustained by his own countrymen they departed from Arras and
arrived in safety at Lisle about two oclock in the afternoon
They had scarce taken possession of their lodgings in a large hotel on the
Grande Place when the innkeeper gave them to understand that he kept an
ordinary below which was frequented by several English gentlemen who resided in
town and that dinner was then upon the table Peregrine who seized all
opportunities of observing new characters persuaded his company to dine in
public and they were accordingly conducted to the place where they found a
mixture of Scotch and Dutch officers who had come from Holland to learn their
exercises at the academy and some gentlemen in the French service who were
upon garisondutý in the citadel Among these last was a person about the age of
fifty of a remarkably genteel air and polite address dignified with a Maltese
cross and distinguished by the particular veneration of all those who knew him
When he understood that Pickle and his friends were travellers he accosted the
youth in English which he spoke tolerably well and as they were strangers
offered to attend them in the afternoon to all the places worth seeing in Lisle
Our hero thanked him for his excess of politeness which he said was peculiar
to the French nation and struck with his engaging appearance industriously
courted his conversation in the course of which he learnt that this chevalier
was a man of good sense and great experience that he was perfectly well
acquainted with the greatest part of Europe had lived some years in England
and was no stranger to the constitution and genius of that people
Having dined and drank to the healths of the English and French kings two
Fiacres were called in one of which the knight with one of his companions the
governor and Peregrine seated themselves the other being occupied by the
physician Pallet and two Scottish officers who proposed to accompany them in
their circuit The first place they visited was the citadel round the ramparts
of which they walked under the conduct of the knight who explained with great
accuracy the intention of every particular fortification belonging to that
seemingly impregnable fortress and when they had satisfied their curiosity
took coach again in order to view the arsenal which stands in another quarter
of the town but just as Pickles carriage had crossed the Promenade he heard
his own name bawled aloud by the painter and ordering the Fiacre to stop saw
Pallet with one half of his body thrust out at the window of the other coach
crying with a terrified look »Mr Pickle Mr Pickle for the love of God
halt and prevent bloodshed else here will be carnage and cutting of throats«
Peregrine surprized at this exclamation immediately alighted and advancing to
the other vehicle found one of their military companions standing upon the
ground at the further side of the coach with his sword drawn and fury in his
countenance and the physician with a quivering lip and haggard aspect
struggling with the other who had interposed in the quarrel and detained him
in his place
Our young gentleman upon inquiry found that this animosity had sprung from
a dispute that happened upon the ramparts touching the strength of the
fortification which the doctor according to custom undervalued because it
was a modern work saying that by the help of the military engines used among
the ancients and a few thousands of pioneers he would engage to take it in
less than ten days after he should sit down before it The NorthBriton who was
as great a pedant as the physician having studied fortification and made
himself master of Cæsars Commentaries and Polybius with the observations of
Folard affirmed that all the methods of besieging practised by the ancients
would be utterly ineffectual against such a plan as that of the citadel of
Lisle and began to compare the Vineæ Aggeres Arietes Scorpiones and
Catapultæ of the Romans with the trenches mines batteries and mortars used in
the present art of war The republican finding himself attacked upon what he
thought his strong side summoned all his learning to his aid and describing
the famous siege of Platæa happened to misquote a passage of Thucydides in
which he was corrected by the other who having been educated for the church
was also a connoisseur in the Greek language The doctor incensed at being
detected in such a blunder in presence of Pallet who he knew would
promulgate his shame told the officer with great arrogance that his objection
was frivolous and that he must not pretend to dispute on these matters with one
who had considered them with the utmost accuracy and care His antagonist
piqued at this supercilious insinuation replied with great heat that for ought
he knew the doctor might be a very expert apothecary but that in the art of
war and knowledge in the Greek tongue he was no other than an ignorant
pretender This asseveration produced an answer full of virulence including a
national reflection upon the soldiers country and the contention rose to
mutual abuse when it was suppressed by the admonitions of the other two who
begged they would not expose themselves in a strange place but behave
themselves like fellowsubjects and friends They accordingly ceased reviling
each other and the affair was seemingly forgot but after they had resumed
their places in the coach the painter unfortunately asked the meaning of the
word Tortoise which he had heard them mention among the Roman implements of
war This question was answered by the physician who described the nature of
this expedient so little to the satisfaction of the officer that he
contradicted him flatly in the midst of his explanation a circumstance which
provoked the republican to such a degree that in the temerity of his passion
he uttered the epithet impertinent scoundrel which was no sooner pronounced
than the Caledonian made manual application to his nose and leaping out of the
coach stood waiting for him on the plain while he the physician made feeble
efforts to join him being easily retained by the other soldier and Pallet
dreading the consequence in which he himself might be involved bellowed aloud
for prevention
Our hero endeavoured to quiet the commotion by representing to the Scot
that he had already taken satisfaction for the injury he had received and
telling the doctor that he had deserved the chastisement which was inflicted
upon him but the officer encouraged perhaps by the confusion of his
antagonist insisted upon his asking pardon for what he had said and the
doctor believing himself under the protection of his friend Pickle far from
agreeing to such concession breathed nothing but defiance and revenge so that
the chevalier in order to prevent mischief put the soldier under arrest and
sent him to his lodgings under the care of the other French gentleman and his
own companion they being also accompanied by Mr Jolter who having formerly
seen all the curiosities of Lisle willingly surrendered his place to the
physician
Chapter LV
Pickle engages with a Knight of Malta in a Conversation upon the English Stage
which is followed by a Dissertation on the Theatres of the Ancients by the
Doctor
The rest of the company proceeded to the arsenal which having viewed together
with some remarkable churches they in their return went to the comedy and
saw the Cid of Corneille tolerably well represented In consequence of this
entertainment the discourse at supper turned upon dramatic performances and
all the objections of Mons de Scudery to the piece they had seen acted
together with the decision of the French academy were canvassed and discussed
The knight was a man of letters and taste and particularly well acquainted with
the state of the English stage so that when the painter boldly pronounced
sentence against the French manner of acting on the strength of having
frequented a CoventGarden club of criticks and been often admitted by virtue
of an order into the pit a comparison immediately ensued not between the
authors but the actors of both nations to whom the chevalier and Peregrine
were no strangers Our hero like a good Englishman made no scruple of giving
the preference to the performers of his own country who he alledged obeyed
the genuine impulses of nature in exhibiting the passions of the human mind
and entered so warmly into the spirit of their several parts that they often
fancied themselves the very heroes they represented Whereas the action of the
Parisian players even in their most interesting characters was generally such
an extravagance in voice and gesture as is no where to be observed but on the
stage To illustrate this assertion he availed himself of his talent and
mimicked the manner and voice of all the principal performers male and female
belonging to the French comedy to the admiration of the chevalier who having
complimented him upon this surprising modulation begged leave to dissent in
some particulars from the opinion he had avowed »That you have good actors in
England said he it would be unjust and absurd in me to deny your theatre is
adorned by one woman whose sensibility and sweetness of voice is such as I have
never observed on any other stage she has besides an elegance of person and
expression of features that wonderfully adapt her for the most engaging
characters of your best plays and I must freely own that I have been as highly
delighted and as deeply affected by a Monimia and Belvidera at London as ever
I was by a Cornelia and Cleopatra at Paris You can moreover boast of several
comic actors who are perfect masters of buffoonery and grimace though to be
free with you I think in these qualifications you are excelled by the players
of Amsterdam neither are you destitute of those who with a good deal of
cultivation might acquire some degree of excellence in the representation of
tragic characters but I shall never cease to wonder that the English who are
certainly a sensible and discerning people should be so much infatuated as to
applaud and caress with the most extravagant approbation not to say adoration
and regard one or two graciosos who I will be bold to say would scarce be
able to earn their bread by their talents on any other theatre under the sun I
have seen one of these in the celebrated part of Richard the third which I
believe is not a character of ridicule sollicit and triumph in the laugh of
the audience during the best part of a scene in which the author has
represented that prince as an object of abhorrence I have observed the same
person in the character of Hamlet shake his fist with all the demonstrations of
wrath at his mistress for no evident cause and behave like a ruffian to his
own mother Shocked at such want of dignity and decorum in a prince who seemed
the favourite of the people I condemned the genius that produced him but upon
a second perusal of the play transferred my censure to the actor who in my
opinion had egregiously mistaken the meaning of the poet At a juncture when
his whole soul ought to be alarmed with terror and amazement and all his
attention engrossed by the dreadful object in view I mean that of his friend
whom he had murthered he expresses no passion but that of indignation against a
drinking glass which he violently dashes in pieces on the floor as if he had
perceived a spider in his wine nay while his eyes are fixed upon the ground
he starts at the image of a dagger which he pretends to see above his head as
if the pavement was a lookingglass that represented it by reflexion and at one
time I saw him walk across the stage and lend an inferior character a box on
the ear after he had with great wrath pronounced Take thou that or some
equivalent exclamation at the other end of the scene He represents the grief
of an hero by the tears and manner of a whining schoolboy and perverts the
genteel deportment of a gentleman into the idle buffoonery of a miserable
tobacconist his whole art is no other than a succession of frantic
vociferation such as I have heard in the cells of Bedlam a slowness
hesitation and oppression of speech as if he was troubled with an asthma
convulsive startings and a ductility of features suited to the most
extravagant transitions In a word he is blessed with a distinct voice and a
great share of vivacity but in point of feeling judgment and grace is in my
opinion altogether defective Not to mention his impropriety in dress which is
so absurd that he acts the part of a youthful prince in the habit of an
undertaker and exhibits the gay fashionable Lothario in the appearance of a
mountebank I beg pardon for treating this darling of the English with so little
ceremony and to convince you of my candour frankly confess that
notwithstanding all I have said he is qualified to make a considerable figure
in the low characters of humour which are so much relished by a London
audience if he could be prevailed upon to abate of that monstrous burlesque
which is an outrage against nature and common sense As for his competitor in
fame with an equal share of capacity he is inferior to him in personal
agility sprightliness and voice His utterance is a continual sing song like
the chanting of vespers and his action resembles that of heaving ballast into
the hold of a ship In his outward deportment he seems to have confounded the
ideas of dignity and insolence of mien acts the crafty cool designing
Crookback as a loud shallow blustering Hector in the character of the mild
patriot Brutus loses all temper and decorum nay so ridiculous is the
behaviour of him and Cassius at their interview that setting foot to foot and
grinning at each other with the aspect of two coblers enraged they thrust
their left sides together with repeated shocks that the hilts of their swords
may clash for the entertainment of the audience as if they were a couple of
Merry Andrews endeavouring to raise the laugh of the vulgar on some scaffold
at Bartholomew Fair The despair of a great man who falls a sacrifice to the
infernal practices of a subtle traitor that enjoyed his confidence this
English Æsopus represents by beating his own forehead and bellowing like a
bull and indeed in almost all his most interesting scenes performs such
strange shakings of the head and other antic gesticulations that when I first
saw him act I imagined the poor man laboured under that paralytical disorder
which is known by the name of St Vituss dance In short he seems to be a
stranger to the more refined sensations of the soul consequently his expression
is of the vulgar kind and he must often sink under the idea of the poet so
that he has recourse to such violence of affected agitation as imposes upon the
undiscerning spectator but to the eye of taste evinces him a meer player of
that class whom your admired Shakespear justly compares to natures journeymen
tearing a passion to rags Yet this man in spite of all these absurdities is
an admirable Falstaff exhibits the character of the eighth Henry to the life
is reasonably applauded in the Plain Dealer excels in the part of Sir John
Brute and would be equal to many humorous situations in low comedy which his
pride will not allow him to undertake I should not have been so severe upon
these rivals had not I seen them extolled by their partizans with the most
ridiculous and fulsome manifestation of praise even in those very circumstances
wherein as I have observed they chiefly failed«
Pickle not a little piqued to hear the qualifications of the two most
celebrated actors in England treated with such freedom and disrespect answered
with some asperity that the chevalier was a true critick more industrious in
observing the blemishes than in acknowledging the excellence of those who fell
under his examination It was not to be supposed that one actor could shine
equally in all characters and though his observations were undoubtedly very
judicious he himself could not help wondering that some of them had always
escaped his notice though he had been an assiduous frequenter of the playhouse
»The two players in question said he have in your own opinion a
considerable share of merit in the characters of comic life and as to the
manners of the great personages in tragedy and the operation of the grand
passions of the soul I apprehend they may be variously represented according
to the various complexion and cultivation of different men A Spaniard for
example though impelled by the same passion will express it very differently
from a Frenchman and what is looked upon as graceful vivacity and address by
the one would be considered as impertinence and foppery by the other nay so
opposite is your common deportment from that of some other nations that one of
your own countrymen in the relation of his travels observes that the Persians
even of this age when they see any man perform unnecessary gestures say he is
either a fool or a Frenchman The standard of demeanour being thus unsettled a
Turk a Moor an Indian or inhabitant of any country whose customs and dress
are widely different from ours may in his sentiments possess all the dignity
of the human heart and be inspired by the noblest passion that animates the
soul and yet excite the laughter rather than the respect of an European
spectator
When I first beheld your famous Parisian stageheroine in one of her
principal parts her attitudes seemed so violent and she tossed her arms around
with such extravagance that she put me in mind of a windmill under the
agitation of a hard gale while her voice and features exhibited the lively
representation of an English scold The action of your favourite maleperformer
was in my opinion equally unnatural he appeared with the affected airs of a
dancingmaster at the most pathetic junctures of his fate he lifted up his
hands above his head like a tumbler going to vault and spoke as if his throat
had been obstructed by an hairbrush yet when I compared their manners with
those of the people before whom they performed and made allowance for that
exaggeration which obtains on all theatres I was insensibly reconciled to their
method of performance and could distinguish abundance of merit beneath that
oddity of appearance«
The chevalier perceiving Peregrine a little irritated at what he had said
asked pardon for the liberty he had taken in censuring the English players
assuring him that he had an infinite veneration for the British learning genius
and taste which were so justly distinguished in the world of letters and that
notwithstanding the severity of his criticism he thought the theatre of London
much better supplied with actors than that of Paris The young gentleman thanked
him for his polite condescension at which Pallet exulted saying with a shake
of the head »I believe so too Monsieur« and the physician impatient of the
dispute in which he had bore no share observed with a supercilious air that
the modern stage was altogether beneath the notice of one who had an idea of
ancient magnificence and execution that plays ought to be exhibited at the
expence of the state as those of Sophocles were by the Athenians and that
proper judges should be appointed for receiving or rejecting all such
performances as are offered to the public
He then described the theatre at Rome which contained eighty thousand
spectators gave them a learned disquisition into the nature of the Persona or
mask worn by the Roman actors which he said was a machine that covered the
whole head furnished on the inside with a brazen concavity that by
reverberating the sound as it issued from the mouth raised the voice so as to
render it audible to such an extended audience He explained the difference
between the Saltator and Declamator one of whom acted while the other
rehearsed the part and from thence took occasion to mention the perfection of
their pantomimes who were so amazingly distinct in the exercise of their art
that a certain prince of Pontus being at the court of Nero and seeing one of
them represent a story begged him of the emperor in order to employ him as an
interpreter among barbarous nations whose language he did not understand Nay
divers cynic philosophers who had condemned this entertainment unseen when
they chanced to be eyewitnesses of their admirable dexterity expressed their
sorrow for having so long debarred themselves of such rational enjoyment
He dissented however from the opinion of Peregrine who as a proof of
their excellence had advanced that some of the English actors fancied
themselves the very thing they represented and recounted a story from Lucian
of a certain celebrated pantomime who in acting the part of Ajax in his frenzy
was transported into a real fit of delirium during which he tore to pieces the
cloaths of that actor who stalked before him beating the stage with iron shoes
in order to increase the noise snatched an instrument from one of the
musicians and broke it over the head of him who represented Ulysses and
running to the consular bench mistook a couple of senators for the sheep which
were to be slain The audience applauded him to the skies but so conscious was
the mimic of his own extravagance when he recovered the use of his reason that
he actually fell sick with mortification and being afterwards desired to react
the piece flatly refused to appear in any such character saying that the
shortest follies were the best and that it was sufficient for him to have been
a madman once in his life
Chapter LVI
An Adventure happens to Pipes in Consequence of which he is dismissed from
Peregrines Service The whole Company set out for Ghent in the Diligence Our
Hero is captivated by a Lady in that Carriage interests her spiritual Director
in his Behalf
The doctor being fairly engaged on the subject of the ancients would have
proceeded the Lord knows how far without hesitation had not he been
interrupted by the arrival of Mr Jolter who in great confusion told them that
Pipes having affronted a soldier was then surrounded in the street and would
certainly be put to death if some person of authority did not immediately
interpose in his behalf
Peregrine no sooner learnd the danger of his trusty squire than snatching
up his sword he ran down stairs and was followed by the Chevalier intreating
him to leave the affair to his management Within ten yards of the door they
found Tom with his back to a wall defending himself manfully with a mopstick
against the assault of three or four soldiers who at sight of the Maltese cross
desisted from the attack and were taken into custody by order of the knight
One of the aggressors being an Irishman begged to be heard with great
importunity before he should be sent to the guard and by the mediation of
Pickle was accordingly brought into the Hotel with his companions all three
bearing upon their heads and faces evident marks of their adversarys prowess
and dexterity The spokesman being confronted with Pipes informed the company
that having by accident met with Mr Pipes whom he considered as his
countryman though fortune had disposed of them in different services he
invited him to drink a glass of wine and accordingly carried him to a Cabaret
where he introduced him to his comrades but in the course of the conversation
which turned upon the power and greatness of the kings of France and England
Mr Pipes had been pleased to treat his Most Christian Majesty with great
disrespect and when he the entertainer expostulated with him in a friendly
manner about his impolite behaviour observing that he being in the French
service would be under the necessity of resenting his abuse if he did not put
a stop to it before the other gentlemen of the cloth should comprehend his
meaning he had set them all three at defiance dishonoured him in particular
with the opprobrious epithet of rebel to his native king and country and even
drank in broken French to the perdition of Lewis and all his adherents that
compelled by this outragious conduct he as the person who had recommended him
to their society had in vindication of his own character demanded
satisfaction of the delinquent who on pretence of fetching a sword had gone to
his lodging from whence he all of a sudden sallied upon them with the mopstick
which he employed in the annoyance of them all without distinction so that they
were obliged to draw in their own defence
Pipes being questioned by his master with regard to the truth of this
account owned that every circumstance was justly represented saying he did
not value their cheesetoasters a pinch of oakum and that if the gentlemen had
not shot in betwixt them he would have trimmed them to such a tune that they
should not have had a whole yard to square Peregrine reprimanded him sharply
for his unmannerly behaviour and insisted upon his asking pardon of those he
had injured upon the spot But no consideration was efficacious enough to
produce such concession to this command he was both deaf and dumb and the
repeated threats of his master had no more effect than if they had been
addressed to a marble statue At length our hero incensed at his obstinacy
started up and would have chastised him with manual operation had not he been
prevented by the Chevalier who found means to moderate his indignation so far
that he contented himself with dismissing the offender from his service and
after having obtained the discharge of the prisoners gave them a Louis to
drink by way of recompence for the disgrace and damage they had sustained
The Knight perceiving our young gentleman very much ruffled at this
accident and reflecting upon the extraordinary deportment and appearance of his
valet whose hair had by this time adopted a grizzled hue imagined he was some
favourite domestic who had grown grey in the service of his masters family
and that of consequence he was uneasy at the sacrifice he had made Swayed by
this conjecture he earnestly sollicited in his behalf but all he could obtain
was a promise of readmitting him into favour on the terms already proposed or
at least on condition that he should make his acknowledgment to the Chevalier
for his want of reverence and respect for the French monarch
Upon this condescension the culprit was called up stairs and made
acquainted with the mitigation of his fate upon which he said he would down on
his marrowbones to his own master but would be damnd before he would ask
pardon of eer a Frenchman in Christendom Pickle exasperated at this blunt
declaration ordered him out of his presence and charged him never to appear
before his face again while the officer in vain employed all his influence and
address to appease his resentment and about midnight took his leave with marks
of mortification at his want of success
Next day the company agreed to travel through Flanders in the Diligence by
the advice of Peregrine who was not without hope of meeting with some adventure
or amusement in that carriage and Jolter took care to secure places for them
all it being resolved that the valet de chambre and the doctors man should
attend the vehicle on horseback and as for the forlorn Pipes he was left to
reap the fruits of his own stubborn disposition notwithstanding the united
efforts of the whole triumvirate who endeavoured to procure his pardon
Every previous measure being thus taken they set out from Lisle about six
in the morning and found themselves in the company of a female adventurer a
very handsome young lady a Capuchin and a Rotterdam Jew Our young gentleman
being the first of this society that entered surveyed the strangers with an
attentive eye and seated himself immediately behind the beautiful unknown who
at once attracted his attention Pallet seeing another lady unengaged in
imitation of his friend took possession of her neighbourhood the physician
paired with the priest and Jolter sat down by the Jew
The machine had not proceeded many furlongs when Pickle accosting the fair
incognita congratulated himself upon his happiness in being the
fellowtraveller of so charming a lady She without the least reserve or
affectation thanked him for his compliment and replied with a sprightly air
that now they were embarked in one common bottom they must club their
endeavours to make one another as happy as the nature of their situation would
permit them to be Encouraged by this frank intimation and captivated by her
fine black eyes and easy behaviour he attached himself to her from that moment
and in a little time the conversation became so particular that the Capuchin
thought proper to interfere in the discourse in such a manner as gave the youth
to understand that he was there on purpose to superintend her conduct He was
doubly rejoiced at this discovery in consequence of which he hoped to profit in
his addresses not only by the young ladys restraint that never fails to
operate in behalf of the lover but also by the corruptibility of her guardian
whom he did not doubt of rendering propitious to his cause Flushed with these
expectations he behaved with uncommon complacency to the father who was
charmed with the affability of his carriage and on the faith of his generosity
abated of his vigilance so much that our hero carried on his suit without
further molestation while the painter in signs and loud bursts of laughter
conversed with his Dulcinea who was perfectly well versed in these simple
expressions of satisfaction and had already found means to make a dangerous
invasion upon his heart
Nor were the governor and physician unemployed while their friends
interested themselves in this agreeable manner Jolter no sooner perceived the
Hollander was a Jew than he entered into an investigation of the Hebrew tongue
in which he was a connoisseur and the doctor at the same time attacked the
Mendicant on the ridiculous maxims of his order together with the impositions
of priestcraft in general which he observed prevail so much among those who
profess the Roman Catholic religion
Thus coupled each committee enjoyed their own conversation apart without
any danger of encroachment and all were so intent upon their several topics
that they scarce allowed themselves a small interval in viewing the desolation
of Menin as they passed through that ruined frontier About twelve oclock they
arrived at Courtray where the horses are always changed and the company halt
an hour for refreshment Here Peregrine handed his charmer into an apartment
where she was joined by the other lady and on pretence of seeing some of the
churches in town put himself under the direction of the Capuchin from whom he
learnd that the young lady was wife to a French gentleman to whom she had
been married about a year and that she was now on her journey to visit her
mother who lived in Brussels and who at that time laboured under a lingering
distemper which in all probability would soon put a period to her life He
then launched out in praise of her daughters virtue and conjugal affection and
lastly told him that he was her father confessor and pitched upon to be her
conductor through Flanders by her husband who as well as his wife placed the
utmost confidence in his prudence and integrity
Pickle easily comprehended the meaning of this insinuation and took the
hint accordingly He tickled the priests vanity with extraordinary encomiums
upon the disinterested principles of his order which were detached from all
worldly pursuits and altogether devoted to the eternal salvation of mankind He
applauded their patience humility and learning and lavished a world of praise
upon their talent in preaching which he said had more than once operated so
powerfully upon him that had he not been restrained by certain considerations
which he could not possibly wave he should have embraced their tenets and
beggd admission into their fraternity but as the circumstances of his fate
would not permit him to take such a salutary measure for the present he
intreated the good father to accept a small token of his love and respect for
the benefit of that convent to which he belonged So saying he pulled out a
purse of ten guineas which the Capuchin observing turned his head another way
and lifting up his arm displayed a pocket almost as high as his collarbone in
which he deposited the money
This proof of affection for the order produced a sudden and surprising
effect upon the friar In the transport of his zeal he wrung this semiconverts
hand showered a thousand benedictions upon his head and exhorted him with the
tears flowing from his eyes to perfect the great work which the finger of God
had begun in his heart and as an instance of his concern for the welfare of his
precious soul the holy brother promised to recommend him strenuously to the
pious admonitions of the young woman under his care who was a perfect saint
upon earth and endued with the peculiar gift of mollifying the hearts of
obdurate sinners »O father cried the hypocritical projector who by this time
perceived that his money was not thrown away if I could be favoured but for one
half hour with the private instructions of that inspired devotee my mind
presages that I should be a strayd sheep brought back into the fold and that
I should find easy entrance at the gates of heaven There is something
supernatural in her aspect I gaze upon her with the most pious fervor and my
whole soul is agitated with tumults of hope and despair« Having pronounced this
rhapsody with transport half natural and half affected the priest assured him
that these were operations of the spirit which must not be repressed and
comforted him with the hope of enjoying the blessed interview which he desired
protesting that as far as his influence extended his wish should be that very
evening indulged The gracious pupil thanked him for his benevolent concern
which he swore should not be squandered upon an ungrateful object and the rest
of the company interrupting the conversation they returned in a body to the
inn where they dined all together and the ladies were persuaded to be our
heros guests
As the subjects on which they had been engaged before dinner were not
exhausted each brace resumed their former theme when they were replaced in the
Diligence The painters mistress finished her conquest by exerting her skill
in the art of ogling accompanied by frequent bewitching sighs and some tender
French songs that she sung with such pathetic expression as quite melted the
resolution of Pallet and utterly subdued his affection and he to convince her
of the importance of her victory gave a specimen of his own talents by
entertaining her with that celebrated English ditty the burthen of which begins
with The pigs they lie with their arses bare
Chapter LVII
He makes some Progress in her Affections is interrupted by a Dispute between
Jolter and a Jew appeases the Wrath of the Capuchin who procures for him an
Interview with his fair Enslaver in which he finds himself deceived
Peregrine mean while employed all his insinuation and address in practising
upon the heart of the Capuchins fair charge He had long ago declared his
passion not in the superficial manner of a French gallant but with all the
ardor of an enthusiast He had languished vowd flattered kissd her hand by
stealth and had no reason to complain of his reception Though by a man of a
less sanguine disposition her particular complaisance would have been deemed
equivocal and perhaps nothing more than the effect of French breeding and
constitutional vivacity he gave his own qualifications credit for the whole
and with these sentiments carried on the attack with such unabating vigour that
she was actually prevailed upon to accept a ring which he presented as a token
of his esteem and every thing proceeded in a most prosperous train when they
were disturbed by the governor and Israelite who in the heat of disputation
raised their voices and poured forth such effusions of gutturals as set our
lovers teeth on edge As they spoke in a language unknown to every one in the
carriage but themselves and looked at each other with mutual animosity and
rancour Peregrine desired to know the cause of their contention Upon which
Jolter exclaimed in a furious tone »This learned Levite forsooth has the
impudence to tell me that I dont understand Hebrew and affirms that the word
Benoni signifies child of joy whereas I can prove and indeed have already said
enough to convince any reasonable man that in the Septuagint it is rightly
translated into son of my sorrow« Having thus explained himself to his pupil
he turned to the priest with intention to appeal to his determination but the
Jew pulled him by the sleeve with great eagerness saying »For the love of God
be quiet the Capuchin will discover who we are« Jolter offended at this
conjunction ecchoed »Who we are« with great emphasis and repeating nos poma
natamus asked ironically to which of the Tribes the Jew thought he belonged
The Levite affronted at his comparing him to a ball of horsedung replied with
a most significant grin »To the tribe of Issachar« And his antagonist taking
the advantage of his unwillingness to be known by the friar and prompted by
revenge for the freedom he had used answered in the French language that the
judgment of God was still manifest upon their whole race not only in their
being in the state of exiles from their native land but also in the spite of
their hearts and pravity of their dispositions which demonstrate them to be the
genuine offspring of those who crucified the Saviour of the world
His expectation was however defeated the priest himself was too deeply
engaged to attend to the debates of other people The physician in the pride
and insolence of his learning had undertaken to display the absurdity of the
Christian faith having already as he thought confuted the Capuchin touching
the points of belief in which the Roman Catholics differ from the rest of the
world But not contented with the imagined victory he had gained he began to
strike at the fundamentals of religion and the father with incredible
forbearance suffered him to make very free with the doctrine of the Trinity
but when he levelled the shafts of his ridicule at the immaculate conception of
the Blessed Virgin the good mans patience forsook him his eyes seemed to
kindle with indignation he trembled in every joint and uttered with a loud
voice »You are an abominable I will not call thee heretic for thou art
worse if possible than a Jew you deserve to be inclosed in a furnace seven
times heated and I have a good mind to lodge an information against you with
the governor of Ghent that you may be apprehended and punished as an impious
blasphemer«
This menace operated like a charm upon all present The doctor was
confounded the governor dismayed the Levites teeth chattered the painter was
astonished at the general confusion the cause of which he could not comprehend
and Pickle himself not a little alarmed was obliged to use all his interest
and assiduity in appeasing this son of the church who at length in
consideration of the friendship he professed for the young gentleman consented
to forgive what had passed but absolutely refused to sit in contact with such a
profane wretch whom he looked upon as a fiend of darkness sent by the enemy of
mankind to poison the minds of weak people so that after having crossed
himself and muttered certain exorcisms he insisted upon the doctors changing
places with the Jew who approached the offended ecclesiastic in an agony of
fear
Matters being thus compromised the conversation flowed in a more general
channel and without the intervention of any other accident or bone of
contention the carriage arrived at the city of Ghent about seven in the
evening and supper being bespoke for the whole company our adventurer and his
friends went out to take a superficial view of the place leaving his new
mistress to the pious exhortations of her confessor whom as we have already
observed he had secured in his interest This zealous mediator spoke so warmly
in his commendation and interested her conscience so much in the affair that
she could not refuse her helping hand to the great work of his conversion and
promised to grant the interview he desired
This agreeable piece of intelligence which the Capuchin communicated to
Peregrine at his return elevated his spirits to such a degree that he shone at
supper with uncommon brilliance in a thousand sallies of wit and pleasantry to
the admiration and delight of all present especially of his fair Fleming who
seemed quite captivated by his person and behaviour
The evening being thus spent to the satisfaction of all parties the company
broke up and retired to their several apartments when our lover to his
unspeakable mortification learnt that the two ladies were obliged to lie in the
same room all the other chambers of the inn being preoccupied When he imparted
this difficulty to the priest that charitable father who was very fruitful in
expedients assured him that his spiritual concerns should not be obstructed by
such a slender impediment and accordingly availed himself of his prerogative
by going into his daughters chamber when she was almost undressed and leading
her into his own on pretence of administring salutary food for her soul Having
brought the two votaries together he prayed for success to the operations of
grace and left them to their mutual meditations after having conjured them in
the most solemn manner to let no impure sentiments or temptations of the flesh
interfere with the hallowed design of their meeting
The reverend intercessor being gone and the door fastened on the inside
the pseudoconvert transported with his passion threw himself at his Amandas
feet and begging she would spare him the tedious form of addresses which the
nature of their interview would not permit him to observe began with all the
impetuosity of love to profit by the occasion But whether she was displeased
at the intrepidity and assurance of his behaviour thinking herself intitled to
more courtship and respect or was really better fortified with chastity than he
or his procurer had supposed her to be certain it is she expressed resentment
and surprize at his boldness and presumption and upbraided him with having
imposed upon the charity of the friar The young gentleman was really as much
astonished at this rebuff as she pretended to be at his declaration and
earnestly intreated her to consider how precious the moments were and for once
sacrifice superfluous ceremony to the happiness of one who adored her with such
a flame as could not fail to consume his vitals if she would not deign to
bless him with her favour Yet notwithstanding all his tears vows and
supplications his personal accomplishments and the tempting opportunity all
that he could obtain was an acknowledgment of his having made an impression
upon her heart which she hoped the dictates of her duty would enable her to
erase This confession he considered as a delicate consent and obeying the
impulse of his love snatched her up in his arms with intention of seizing that
which she declined to give when this French Lucretia unable to defend her
virtue any other way screamed aloud and the Capuchin setting his shoulder to
the door burst it open and entered in an affected extasy of amazement He
lifted up his hands and eyes and pretended to be thunderstruck at the discovery
he had made then in broken exclamations professed his horror at the wicked
intention of our hero who had covered such a damnable scheme with the mask of
religion In short he performed his cue with such dexterity that the lady
believing him in earnest beggd he would forgive the stranger on account of
his youth and education which had been tainted by the errors of heresy and he
was on these considerations content to accept the submission of our hero who
far from renouncing his expectations notwithstanding this mortifying repulse
confided so much in his own talents and the confession which his mistress had
made that he resolved to make another effort to which nothing could have
prompted him but the utmost turbulence of unruly desire
Chapter LVIII
He makes another Effort towards the Accomplishment of his Wish which is
postponed by a strange Accident
He directed his valet de chambre who was a thoroughpaced pimp to kindle some
straw in the yard and then pass by the door of her apartment crying with a
loud voice that the house was on fire This alarm brought both ladies out of
their chamber in a moment and Peregrine taking the advantage of their running
to the street door entered the room and concealed himself under a large table
that stood in an unobserved corner The nymphs as soon as they understood the
cause of his Mercurys supposed affright returned to their apartment and
having said their prayers undressed themselves and went to bed This scene
which fell under the observation of Pickle did not at all contribute to the
cooling of his concupiscence but on the contrary inflamed him to such a
degree that he could scarce restrain his impatience until by her snoring he
concluded the fellowlodger of his Amanda was asleep This welcome note no
sooner saluted his ears than he crept to his charmers bedside and placing
himself on his knees gently laid hold on her white hand and pressed it to his
lips She had just begun to close her eyes and enjoy the agreeable oppression
of slumber when she was roused by this rape at which she started pronouncing
in a tone of surprize and dismay »My God whos that« The lover with the most
insinuating humility besought her to hear him vowing that his intention in
approaching her thus was not to violate the laws of decency or that indelible
esteem which she had engraven on his heart but to manifest his sorrow and
contrition for the umbrage he had given to pour forth the overflowings of his
soul and tell her that he neither could nor would survive her displeasure
These and many more pathetic protestations accompanied with sighs and tears
and other expressions of genuine grief which our hero had at command could not
fail to melt the tender heart of the amiable Fleming already prepossessed in
favour of his qualifications She sympathized so much with his affliction as to
weep in her turn when she represented the impossibility of her rewarding his
passion and he seizing the favourable moment reinforced his sollicitations
with such irresistible transports that her resolution gave way she began to
breathe quick and deep expressed her fear of being overheard by the other lady
and with an ejaculation of »O heavens Im undone« suffered herself after a
faint struggle to be overpowered by her admirer who made a lodgment upon the
covered way of her bed under the curtain of the counterscarp and in all
probability would have in a few moments made himself master of the place when
her honour was secured for the present by a strange sort of knocking upon the
wainscot at the other end of the room hard by the bed in which the female
adventurer lay Surprised at this circumstance which interrupted our assailants
operations the lady begged him for heavens sake to retreat else her
reputation would be ruined for ever but when he represented to her that her
character would run a much greater risk if he should be detected in
withdrawing she consented with great trepidation to his stay and they listened
in silence to the sequel of the noise that alarmed them This was no other than
an expedient of the painter to awaken his Dulcinea with whom he had made an
assignation or at least interchanged such signals as he thought amounted to a
firm appointment His nymph being disturbed in her first sleep immediately
understood the sound and true to the agreement rose and unbolting the door as
softly as possible gave him admittance leaving it open for his more commodious
retreat
While this happy gallant was employed in disengaging himself from the
dishabille in which he had entered the Capuchin suspecting that Peregrine would
make another attempt upon his charge had crept silently to the apartment in
order to reconnoitre lest the adventure should be atchieved without his
knowledge a circumstance that would deprive him of the profits he might expect
from his privity and concurrence Finding the door unlatched his suspicion was
confirmed and he made no scruple of creeping into the chamber on allfours so
that the painter having stript himself to the shirt in groping about for his
Dulcineas bed chanced to lay his hand upon the shaven crown of the fathers
head which by a circular motion the priest began to turn round in his grasp
like a ball in a socket to the surprize and consternation of poor Pallet who
having neither penetration to comprehend the case nor resolution to withdraw
his fingers from this strange object of his touch stood sweating in the dark
and vented ejaculations with great devotion till the friar tired with this
exercise and the painful posture in which he stooped raised himself gradually
upon his feet heaving up at the same time the hand of the painter whose terror
and amazement increased to such a degree at this unaccountable elevation that
his faculties began to fail and his palm in the confusion of his fright sliding
over the priests forehead one of his fingers happened to slip into his mouth
and was immediately secured between the Capuchins teeth with as firm a fixure
as if it had been screwed in a blacksmiths vice The painter was so much
disordered by this sudden snap which tortured him to the bone that forgetting
all other considerations he roared aloud »Murder fire a trap a trap help
christians for the love of God help« Our hero confounded by these
exclamations which he knew would soon fill the room with spectators and
incensed at his own mortifying disappointment was obliged to quit the untasted
banquet and approaching the cause of his misfortune just as his tormentor had
thought proper to release his finger discharged such a hearty slap between his
shoulders as brought him to the ground with hideous bellowing then retiring
unperceived to his own chamber was one of the first who returned with a light
on pretence of having been alarmed with his cries The Capuchin had taken the
same precaution and followed Peregrine into the room pronouncing Benedicite
and crossing himself with many marks of astonishment and the physician and
Jolter appearing at the same time the unfortunate painter was found lying naked
on the floor in all the agony of horror and dismay blowing upon his left hand
that hung dangling from the elbow like a boy who had burnt his fingers in
attempting to snatch roasted chesnuts from the fire The circumstance of his
being found in that apartment and the attitude of his affliction which was
extremely ridiculous provoked the doctor to a smile and produced a small
relaxation in the severity of the governors countenance while Pickle
testifying surprize and concern lifted him from the ground and enquired into
the cause of his present situation Having after some recollection and
fruitless endeavours to speak recovered the use of his tongue he told them
that the house was certainly haunted by evil spirits by which he had been
conveyed he knew not how into that apartment and afflicted with all the
tortures of hell that one of them had made itself sensible to his feeling in
the shape of a round ball of smooth flesh that turned round under his hand
like an astronomers globe and then rising up to a surprising height was
converted into a machine that laid hold on his finger by a snap and having
pinned him to the spot he continued for some moments in unspeakable agony till
at last the engine seemed to melt away from his finger and he received a sudden
thwack upon his shoulders as if discharged by the arm of a giant which
overthrew him in an instant upon the floor The priest hearing this strange
account pulled out of one of his pouches a piece of consecrated candle which
he lighted immediately and muttered certain mysterious conjurations Jolter
imagining that Pallet was drunk shook his head saying he believed the spirit
was no where but in his own brain The physician for once condescended to be a
wag and looking towards one of the beds observed that in his opinion the
painter had been misled by the flesh and not by the spirit The fair Fleming
lay in silent astonishment and affright and her fellowlodger in order to
acquit herself of all suspicion exclaimed with incredible volubility against
the author of this uproar who she did not doubt had concealed himself in the
apartment with a view of perpetrating some wicked attempt upon her precious
virtue and was punished and prevented by the immediate interposition of heaven
At her desire therefore and the earnest sollicitation of the other lady he
was conducted to his own bed and the chamber being evacuated they locked their
door fully resolved to admit no more visitants for that night while Peregrine
mad with seeing the delicious morsel snatched as it were from his very lip
stalked through the passage like a ghost in hopes of finding some opportunity
of reentering till the day beginning to break he was obliged to retire
cursing the ideotical conduct of the painter which had so unluckily interfered
with his delight
Chapter LIX
They depart from Ghent Our Hero engages in a political Dispute with his
Mistress whom he offends and pacifies with Submission He practises an
Expedient to detain the Carriage at Alost and confirms the Priest in his
Interest
Next day about one oclock after having seen every thing remarkable in town
and been present at the execution of two youths who were hanged for ravishing a
whore they took their departure from Ghent in the same carriage which had
brought them thither and the conversation turning upon the punishment they had
seen inflicted the Flemish beauty expressed great sympathy and compassion for
the unhappy sufferers who as she had been informed had fallen victims to the
malice of the accuser Her sentiments were espoused by all the company except
the French lady of pleasure who thinking the credit of the sisterhood
concerned in the affair bitterly inveighed against the profligacy of the age
and particularly the base and villainous attempts of man upon the chastity of
the weaker sex saying with a look of indignation directed to the painter that
for her own part she should never be able to manifest the acknowledgment she
owed to providence for having protected her last night from the wicked aims
of unbridled lust This observation introduced a series of jokes at the expence
of Pallet who hung his ears and sat with a silent air of dejection fearing
that through the malevolence of the physician his adventure might reach the
ears of his wife Indeed though we have made shift to explain the whole
transaction to the reader it was an inextricable mystery to every individual in
the diligence because the part which was acted by the Capuchin was known to
himself alone and even he was utterly ignorant of Pickles being concerned in
the affair so that the greatest share of the painters sufferings were supposed
to be the exaggerations of his own extravagant imagination
In the midst of their discourse on this extraordinary subject the driver
told them that they were now on the very spot where a detachment of the allied
army had been intercepted and cut off by the French and stopping the vehicle
entertained them with a local description of the battle of Melle Upon this
occasion the Flemish lady who since her marriage had become a keen partizan
for the French gave a minute detail of all the circumstances as they had been
represented to her by her husbands brother who was in the action and this
account which sunk the number of the French to sixteen and raised that of the
allies to twenty thousand men was so disagreeable to truth as well as to the
laudable partiality of Peregrine that he ventured to contradict her assertions
and a fierce dispute commenced that not only regarded the present question but
also comprehended all the battles in which the duke of Marlborough had commanded
against Lewis the fourteenth In the course of these debates she divested that
great general of all the glory he had acquired by affirming that every victory
he gained was purposely lost by the French generals in order to bring the
schemes of madam de Maintenon into discredit and as a particular instance
alledged that while the citadel of Lisle was besieged Lewis said in presence
of the Dauphin that if the allies should be obliged to raise the siege he
would immediately declare his marriage with that lady upon which the son sent
private orders to marshal Boufflers to surrender the place This strange
allegation was supported by the asseverations of the priest and the courtezan
and admitted as truth by the governor who pretended to have heard it from good
authority while the doctor sat neutral as one who thought it scandalous to
know the history of such modern events and the Israelite being a true
Dutchman listed himself under the banners of our hero who in attempting to
demonstrate the absurdity and improbability of what they had advanced raised
such a hue and cry against himself and being insensibly heated in the
altercation irritated his Amanda to such a degree that her charming eyes
kindled with fury and he saw great reason to think that if he did not fall
upon some method to deprecate her wrath she would in a twinkling sacrifice all
her esteem for him to her own zeal for the glory of the French nation Swayed
by this apprehension his ardour cooled by degrees and he insensibly detached
himself from the argument leaving the whole care of supporting it on the Jew
who finding himself deserted was fain to yield at discretion so that the
French remained masters of the field and their young heroine resumed her good
humour And let the circumstances of this contention warn the reader against
all disputes with female politicians unless he is desirous of incuring their
animosity and implacable resentment for in matters of state they are all to
a woman enthusiasts who believe that all those who differ from them in
opinion are in a state of reprobation and far from laying any stress upon
probability in the articles of their faith like believers of another class
disdainfully reject the evidence of reason and trust to the revelation of their
own fancy
Our hero having therefore prudently submited to the superior intelligence of
his fair enslaver began to be harrassed with the fears of losing her for ever
upon their arrival at Brussels and set his invention at work to contrive some
means of indemnifying himself for his assiduities presents and the
disappointment he had already undergone before they should reach that city on
pretence of enjoying a freer air he mounted the box and employed his elocution
and generosity with such success that the driver undertook to disable the
Diligence from proceeding beyond the town of Alost for that day and in
consequence of his promise gently overturned it when they were about a mile
short of that baiting place He had taken his measures so discreetly that this
accident was attended with no other inconvenience than a fit of fear that took
possession of the ladies and the necessity to which they were reduced by the
declaration of the coachman who upon examining the carriage assured the
company that the axletree had given way and advised them to walk forward to
the inn while he would jog after them at a slow pace and do his endeavour that
the damage should be immediately repaired Peregrine pretended to be very much
concerned at what had happened and even cursed the driver for his inadvertency
expressing infinite impatience to be at Brussels and wishing that this
misfortune might not detain them another night upon the road but when his
understrapper according to his instructions came afterwards to the inn and
gave them to understand that the workman he had employed could not possibly
refit the machine in less than six hours the crafty youth affected to lose all
temper stormed at his emissary whom he reviled in the most opprobious terms
and threatened to cane for his misconduct The fellow protested with great
humility that their being overturned was owing to the failure of the axletree
and not to his want of care or dexterity in driving though rather than be
thought the cause of incommoding him he would inquire for a postchaise in
which he might depart for Brussels immediately This expedient Pickle rejected
unless the whole company could be accommodated in the same manner and he had
been previously informed by the driver that the town could not furnish more
than one vehicle of that sort His governor who was quite ignorant of his
scheme represented that one night would soon be passed and exhorted him to
bear this small disappointment with a good grace especially as the house seemed
to be well provided for their entertainment and the company so much disposed to
be sociable The Capuchin who had found his account in cultivating the
acquaintance of the young stranger was not illpleased at this event which
might by protracting the term of their intercourse yield him some opportunity
of profiting still further by his liberality he therefore joined Mr Jolter in
his admonitions congratulating himself upon the prospect of enjoying his
conversation a little longer than he had expected and our young gentleman
received a compliment to the same purpose from the Hebrew who had that day
exercised his gallantry upon the French coquette and was not without hope of
reaping the fruits of his attention his rival the painter being quite
disgraced and dejected by the adventure of last night As for the doctor he was
too much engrossed in the contemplation of his own importance to interest
himself in the affair or its consequences further than by observing that the
European powers ought to establish public games like those that were celebrated
of old in Greece in which case every state would be supplied with such
dextrous charioteers as could drive a machine at full speed within a hairs
breadth of a precipice without any danger of its being overthrown Peregrine
could not help yielding to their remonstrances and united complaisance for
which he thanked them in very polite terms and his passion seeming to subside
proposed that they should amuse themselves in walking round the ramparts with a
view of enjoying some private conversation with his admired Fleming who had
this whole day behaved with remarkable reserve The proposal being embraced he
as usual handed her into the street and took all opportunities of promoting
his suit but they were attended so closely by her father confessor that he
foresaw it would be impracticable to accomplish his aim without the connivance
of that ecclesiastick which he was obliged to purchase with another purse that
he offered and was accepted as a charitable atonement for his criminal
behaviour during the interview which the friar had procured for the good of his
soul This benefaction was no sooner made than the pious mendicant edged off by
little and little till he joined the rest of the company leaving his generous
patron at full liberty to prosecute his purpose It is not to be doubted that
our adventurer made a good use of this occasion he practised a thousand flowers
of rhetoric and actually exhausted his whole address in persuading her to have
compassion upon his misery and indulge him with another private audience
without which he should run distracted and be guilty of extravagancies which
in the humanity of her disposition she would weep to see But instead of
complying with his request she chid him severely for his presumption in
persecuting her with his vicious addresses and assured him that although she
had secured a chamber for herself in this place because she had no ambition to
be better acquainted with the other lady he would be in the wrong to disturb
her with another nocturnal visit for she was determined to deny him admittance
The lover was comforted by this hint which he understood in the true
acceptation and his passion being inflamed by the obstacles he had met with in
this intrigue his heart beat high with the prospect of possession These
raptures of expectation produced an inquietude which disabled him from bearing
that share of the conversation for which he used to be distinguished His
behaviour at supper was a vicissitude of startings and reveries and the
Capuchin imputing this disorder to a second repulse from his charge began to be
invaded with the apprehension of being obliged to refund and in a whisper
forbad our hero to despair
Chapter LX
The French Coquet entraps the Heart of the Jew against whom Pallet enters into
a Conspiracy by which Peregrine is again disappointed and the Hebrews
Incontinence exposed
Mean while the French syren baulked in her design upon her English cully who
was so easily disheartened and hung his ears in manifest despondence rather
than run the risque of making a voyage that should be altogether unprofitable
resolved to practise her charms upon the Dutch merchant and had already made
such innovation upon his heart that he cultivated her with peculiar
complacency gazed upon her with a most libidinous stare and unbended his
aspect into a grin that was truly Israelitish The painter saw and was offended
at this correspondence which he considered as an insult upon his misfortune as
well as an evident preference of his rival and conscious of his own timidity
swallowed an extraordinary glass that his invention might be stimulated and
his resolution raised to the contrivance and execution of some scheme of
revenge The wine however failed in the expected effect and without inspiring
him with the plan served only to quicken his desire of vengeance so that he
communicated his purpose to his friend Peregrine and begged the assistance of
his imagination but our young gentleman was too intent upon his own affair to
mind the concerns of any other person and he declining to be engaged in the
project Pallet had recourse to the genius of Pickles valet de chambre who
readily embarked in the undertaking and invented a plan which was executed
accordingly
The evening being pretty far advanced and the company separated into their
respective apartments Pickle repaired in all the impatience of youth and
desire to the chamber of his charmer and finding the door unbolted entered in
a transport of joy By the light of the moon which shone through the window he
was conducted to her bed which he approached in the utmost agitation and
perceiving her to all appearance asleep essayed to wake her with a gentle kiss
but this method proved ineffectual because she was determined to save herself
the confusion of being an accomplice in his guilt He repeated the application
murmured a most passionate salutation in her ear and took such other gentle
methods of signifying his presence as persuaded him that she was resolved to
sleep in spite of all his endeavours flushed with this agreeable supposition
he locked the door in order to prevent interruption and stealing himself under
the cloaths set fortune at defiance while he held the fair creature circled in
his arms
Nevertheless near as he seemed to be to the happy accomplishment of his
desire his hope was again frustrated by a fearful noise which in a moment
waked his Amanda in a fright and for the present engaged all his attention his
valet de chambre whom Pallet had consulted as a confederate in his revenge
against the lady of pleasure and her Jewish gallant had hired of certain
Bohemians who chanced to lodge at the inn a jackass adorned with bells
which when every body was retired to rest and the Hebrew supposed to be bedded
with his mistress they led upstairs into a long thoroughfare from which the
chambers were detached on each side and the painter perceiving the ladys door
ajar according to his expectation mounted this animal with intention to ride
into the room and disturb the lovers in the midst of their mutual endearments
but the ass true to his kind finding himself bestrid by an unknown rider
instead of advancing in obedience to his conductor retreated backwards to the
other end of the passage in spite of all the efforts of the painter who
spurred and kicked and pummelled to no purpose It was the noise of this
contention between Pallet and the ass which invaded the ears of Peregrine and
his mistress neither of whom could form the least rational conjecture about the
cause of such strange disturbance which increased as the animal approached
their apartment till at length the Bourriques retrograde motion was
obstructed by their door which it burst open in a twinkling with one kick
and entered with such complication of sound as terrified the lady almost into a
fit and threw her lover into an agony of perplexity and confusion The painter
finding himself thus violently intruded into the bedchamber of he knew not whom
and dreading the resentment of the possessor who might discharge a pistol at
him as a robber who had broke into his apartment was overwhelmed with
consternation and redoubled his exertion to accomplish a speedy retreat
sweating all the time with fear and putting up petitions to heaven for his
safety but his obstinate companion regardless of his situation instead of
submitting to his conduct began to turn round like a millstone the united
sound of his feet and bells producing a most surprising concert The unfortunate
rider whirled about in this manner would have quitted his seat and left the
beast to his own amusement but the rotation was so rapid that the terror of a
severe fall hindered him from attempting to dismount and in the desperation of
his heart he seized one of its ears which he pinched so unmercifully that the
creature set up his throat and brayed aloud This hideous exclamation was no
sooner heard by the fair Fleming already chilled with panic and prepared with
superstition than believing herself visited by the devil who was permitted to
punish her for her infidelity to the marriagebed she uttered a fearful scream
and began to repeat her paternoster with a loud voice Her lover finding
himself under the necessity of retiring started up and stung with the most
violent pangs of rage and disappointment ran directly to the spot from whence
this diabolical noise seemed to proceed and encountering the ass discharged
such a volley of blows at him and his rider that the creature carried him off
at a round trot and they roared in unison all the way Having thus cleared the
room of such disagreeable company he went back to his mistress and assuring
her that this was only some foolish prank of Pallet took his leave with a
promise of returning after the quiet of the inn should be reestablished
In the mean time the noise of the Bourrique the cries of the painter and
the ladys scream had alarmed the whole house and the ass in the
precipitation of his retreat seeing people with lights before him took shelter
in the apartment for which he was at first designed just as the Levite
arroused at the uproar had quitted his Dulcinea and was attempting to recover
his own chamber unperceived but seeing himself opposed by such an animal
mounted by a tall meagre lanthornjawed figure half naked with a white
nightcap upon his head which added to the natural paleness of his complexion
the Jew was sorely troubled in mind and believing it to be an apparition of
Balaam and his ass fled backward with a nimble pace and crept under the bed
where he lay concealed Mr Jolter and the priest who were the foremost of
those who had been arroused by the noise were not unmoved when they saw such a
spectacle rushing into this chamber from whence the lady of pleasure began to
shriek The governor made a full halt and the Capuchin discovered no
inclination to proceed They were however by the pressure of the crowd that
followed them thrust forward to the door through which the vision entered and
there Jolter with great ceremony complimented his reverence with the pas
beseeching him to walk in The mendicant was too courteous and humble to accept
this preheminence and a very earnest dispute ensued during which the ass in
the course of his circuit shewed himself and rider and in a trice decided the
contest for struck with this second glimpse both at one instant sprung
backward with such force as overturned their next men who communicated the
impulse to those that stood behind them and these again to others so that the
whole passage was strewed with a long file of people that lay in a line like
the sequel and dependance of a pack of cards In the midst of this havock our
hero returned from his own room with an air of astonishment asking the cause
of this uproar and receiving such hints of intelligence as Jolters
consternation would permit him to give snatched the candle out of his hand and
advanced into the haunted chamber without hesitation being followed by all
present who broke forth into a long and loud peal of laughter when they
perceived the ludicrous source of their disquiet The painter himself made an
effort to join their mirth but he had been so harrowed by fear and smarted so
much with the pain of the discipline he had received from Pickle that he could
not with all his endeavour vanquish the ruefulness of his countenance and his
attempt served only to increase the aukwardness of his situation which was not
at all mended by the behaviour of the coquette who furious with her
disappointment slipped on a petticoat and bedgown and springing upon him
like another Hecuba with her nails deprived all one side of his nose of the
skin and would not have left him an eye to see thro if some of the company
had not rescued him from her unmerciful talons Provoked at this outrage as
well as by her behaviour to him in the Diligence he publickly explained his
intention in entering her chamber in this equipage and missing the Hebrew
among the spectators assured them that he must have absconded somewhere in the
apartment in consequence of this intimation the room was immediately searched
and the mortified Levite pulled by the heels from his lurkingplace so that
Pallet had the good fortune at last to transfer the laugh from himself to his
rival and the French inamorata who accordingly underwent the ridicule of the
whole audience
Chapter LXI
Pallet endeavouring to unravel the Mystery of the Treatment he had received
falls out of the Frying Pan into the Fire
Nevertheless Pallet was still confounded and chagrined by one consideration
which was no other than that of his having been so roughly handled in the
chamber belonging as he found upon enquiry to the handsome young lady who
was under the Capuchins direction He recollected that the door was fast
locked when his beast burst it open and he had no reason to believe that any
person followed him in his irruption on the other hand he could not imagine
that such a gentle creature would either attempt to commit or be able to
execute such a desperate assault as that which his body had sustained and her
demeanor was so modest and circumspect that he durst not harbour the least
suspicion of her virtue
These reflexions bewildered him in the labyrinth of thought he rummaged his
whole imagination endeavouring to account for what had happened and at length
concluded that either Peregrine or the devil or both must have been at the
bottom of the whole affair and determined for the satisfaction of his
curiosity to watch our heros motions during the remaining part of the night
so narrowly that his conduct mysterious as it was should not be able to elude
his penetration
With these sentiments he retired to his own room after the ass had been
restored to the right owners and the priest had visited and confirmed his fair
ward who had been almost distracted with fear and silence no sooner prevailed
again than he crawled darkling towards her door and huddled himself up in an
obscure corner from whence he might observe the ingress or egress of any human
creature He had not long remained in this posture when fatigued with this
adventure and that of the preceding night his faculties were gradually
overpowered with slumber and falling fast asleep he began to snore like a
whole congregation of presbyterians The Flemish beauty hearing this discordant
noise in the passage began to be afraid of some new alarm and very prudently
bolted her door so that when her lover wanted to repeat his visit he was not
only surprised and incensed at this disagreeable serenade the author of which
he did not know but when compelled by his passion which was by this time
wound to the highest pitch he ventured to approach the entrance he had the
extreme mortification to find himself shut out and he durst not knock or
signify his presence in any other manner on account of the ladys reputation
which would have greatly suffered had the snorer been waked by his endeavours
Had he known that the person who thus thwarted his views was the painter he
would have taken some effectual step to remove him but he could not conceive
what should induce Pallet to take up his residence in that corner nor could he
use the assistance of a light to distinguish him because there was not a
candle burning in the house and besides the sleeper might have opened his eyes
in the very moment of his being detected by Peregrine who would have incurred
suspicion by appearing at such an hour at that part of the inn so remote
from his own bedchamber
It is impossible to describe the rage and vexation of our hero while he
continued thus tantalized upon the brink of bliss after his desire had been
exasperated by the circumstances of his two former disappointments He
ejaculated a thousand execrations against his own fortune cursed all his
fellowtravellers without exception vowed revenge against the painter who had
twice confounded his most interesting scheme and was tempted to execute
immediate vengeance upon the unknown cause of his present misadventure In this
agony of distraction did he sweat two whole hours in the passage though not
without some faint hope of being delivered from his tormentor who he imagined
upon waking would undoubtedly shift his quarters and leave the field free to
his designs but when he heard the cock repeat his salutation to the morn which
began to open on the rear of night he could no longer restrain his indignation
but going to his own chamber filled a basin with cold water and standing at
some distance discharged it full in the face of the gaping snorer who over
and above the surprize occasioned by the application was almost suffocated by
the liquor that entered his mouth and ran down into his windpipe While he
gasped like a person half drowned without knowing the nature of his disaster
or remembring the situation in which he fell asleep Peregrine retired to his
own door and to his no small astonishment from a long howl that invaded his
ears learnt that the patient was no other than Pallet who had now for the
third time baulked his good fortune
Enraged at the complicated trespasses of this unfortunate offender he
rushed from his apartment with a horsewhip and encountering the painter in his
flight overturned him in the passage and exercised the instrument of his wrath
with great severity on pretence of mistaking him for some presumptuous cur
which had disturbed the repose of the inn nay when he called aloud for mercy
in a supplicating tone and his chastiser could no longer pretend to treat him
as a quadruped such was the virulence of the young gentlemans indignation
that he could not help declaring his satisfaction by telling Pallet he had
richly deserved the punishment he had undergone for his madness folly and
impertinence in contriving and executing such idle schemes as had no other
tendency than that of plaguing his neighbours
Pallet protested with great vehemence that he was innocent as the child
unborn of any intention to give umbrage to any person whatever except the
Israelite and his doxy who he knew had incurred his displeasure »But as God
is my Saviour said he I believe I am persecuted with witchcraft and begin to
think that damnd priest is an agent of the devil for he has been but two
nights in our company during which I have not closed an eye but on the
contrary have been tormented by all the fiends of hell« Pickle peevishly
replied that his torments had been occasioned by his own foolish imagination
and asked how he came to howl in that corner The painter who did not think
proper to own the truth said that he had been transported thither by some
preternatural conveyance and soused in water by an invisible hand and the
youth in hope of profiting by his absence advised him to retire immediately to
his bed and by sleep strive to comfort his brain which seemed to be not a
little disordered by the want of that refreshment Pallet himself began to be
very much of the same way of thinking and in compliance with such wholesome
counsel betook himself to rest muttering prayers all the way for the recovery
of his understanding
Pickle attended him to his chamber and locking him up put the key in his
own pocket that he might not have it in his power to interrupt him again but
in his return he was met by Mr Jolter and the doctor who had been a second
time alarmed by the painters cries and come thither to inquire about this new
adventure Half frantic with such a series of disappointments he cursed them in
his heart for their unseasonable appearance and when they questioned him about
Pallet told them he had found him stark staring mad howling in a corner and
wet to the skin and conducted him to his room where he was now abed The
physician hearing this circumstance made a merit of his vanity and under
pretence of concern for the patients welfare desired he might have an
opportunity of examining the symptoms of his disorder without loss of time
alledging that many diseases might have been stifled in the birth which
afterwards baffled all the endeavours of the medical art The young gentleman
accordingly delivered the key and once more withdrew into his own chamber with
a view of seizing the first occasion that should present itself of renewing his
application to his Amandas door while the doctor in his way to Pallets
apartment hinted to the governor his suspicion that the patient laboured under
that dreadful symptom called the hydrophobia which he observed had sometimes
appeared in persons who were not previously bit by a mad dog This conjecture he
founded upon the howl he uttered when he was soused with water and began to
recollect certain circumstances of the painters behaviour for some days past
which now he could plainly perceive had prognosticated some such calamity He
then ascribed the distemper to the violent frights he had lately undergone
affirmed that the affair of the Bastile had made such a violent incroachment
upon his understanding that his manner of thinking and speaking was intirely
altered and by a theory of his own invention explained the effects of fear
upon a loose system of nerves and demonstrated the modus in which the animal
spirits operate upon the ideas and power of imagination
This disquisition which was communicated at the painters door might have
lasted till breakfast had not Jolter reminded him of his own maxim Venienti
occurrite morbo upon which he put the key to immediate use and they walked
softly towards the bed where the patient lay extended at full length in the
arms of slumber The physician took notice of his breathing hard and his mouth
being open and from these diagnostics declared that the liquidum nervosum was
intimately affected and the saliva impregnated with the spiculated particles of
the virus howsoever contracted This sentence was still farther confirmed by
the state of his pulse which being full and slow indicated an oppressed
circulation from a loss of elasticity in the propelling arteries and he
proposed that he should immediately suffer a second aspersion of water which
would not only contribute to the cure but also certify them beyond all
possibility of doubt with regard to the state of the disease for it would
evidently appear from the manner in which he would bear the application
whether or not his horror of water amounted to a confirmed hydrophobia Mr
Jolter in compliance with this proposal began to empty a bottle of water
which he found in the room in a basin when he was interrupted by the
prescriber who advised him to use the contents of the chamberpot which being
impregnated with salt would operate more effectually than the pure element
Thus directed the governor lifted up the vessel which was replete with
medicine and with one turn of his hands discharged the whole healing inundation
upon the illomend patient who waking in the utmost distraction of horror
yelled most hideously just at the time when Peregrine had brought his mistress
to a parley and entertained hopes of being admitted into her chamber
Terrified at this exclamation she instantly broke off the treaty
beseeching him to retire from the door that her honour might receive no injury
from his being found in that place and he had just enough of recollection left
to see the necessity of obeying the order in conformity to which he retreated
well nigh deprived of his senses and almost persuaded that so many
unaccountable disappointments must have proceeded from some supernatural cause
of which the idiot Pallet was no more than the involuntary instrument
Mean while the doctor having ascertained the malady of the patient whose
cries interrupted by frequent sobs and sighs he interpreted into the barking
of a dog having no more saltwater at hand resolved to renew the bath with
such materials as chance would afford and actually laid hold of the bottle and
basin But by this time the painter had recovered the use of his senses so
well as to perceive his drift and starting up like a frantic Bedlamite ran
directly to his sword swearing with many horrid imprecations that he would
murder them both immediately if he should be hanged before dinner They did not
choose to wait the issue of his threat but retired with such precipitation
that the physician had almost dislocated his shoulder by running against one
side of the entry and Jolter having pulled the door after him and turned the
key betook himself to flight roaring aloud for assistance His colleague
seeing the door secured valued himself upon his resolution and exhorted him to
return declaring that for his own part he was more afraid of the madmans
teeth than of his weapon and admonishing the governor to reenter and execute
what they had left undone »Go in said he without fear or apprehension and if
any accident shall happen to you either from his slaver or his sword I will
assist you with my advice which from this station I can more coolly and
distinctly administer than I should be able to supply if my ideas were
disturbed or my attention engaged in any personal concern«
Jolter who could make no objection to the justness of the conclusion
frankly owned that he had no inclination to try the experiment observing that
self preservation was the first law of nature that his connexions with the
unhappy lunatic were but slight and that it could not be reasonably expected
that he would run such risks for his service as were declined by one who had
set out with him from England on the footing of a companion This insinuation
introduced a dispute upon the nature of benevolence and the moral sense which
the republican argued existed independent of any private consideration and
could never be affected by any contingent circumstance of time and fortune
while the other who abhorred his principles asserted the duties and excellence
of private friendship with infinite rancour of altercation
During the hottest of the argument they were joined by the Capuchin who
being astonished to see them thus virulently engaged at the door and to hear
the painter bellowing within the chamber conjured them in the name of God to
tell him the cause of that confusion which had kept the whole house in
continual alarm during the best part of the night and seemed to be the
immediate work of the devil and his angels When the governor gave him to
understand that Pallet was visited with an evil spirit he muttered a prayer of
St Antonio de Padua and undertook to cure the painter provided he could be
secured so as that he might without danger to himself burn part of a certain
relick under his nose which he assured them was equal to the miraculous power
of Eleazars ring They expressed great curiosity to know what this treasure
was and the priest was prevailed upon to tell them in confidence that it was a
collection of the parings of the nails belonging to those two madmen whom Jesus
purged of the legion of devils that afterwards entered the swine So saying he
pulled from one of his pockets a small box containing about an ounce of the
parings of an horses hoof at sight of which the governor could not help
smiling on account of the grossness of the imposition and the doctor asked
with a supercilious smile whether those maniacs whom Jesus cured were of the
sorrel complexion or dapple grey for from the texture of these parings he
could prove that the original owners were of the quadruped order and even
distinguish that their feet had been fortified with shoes of iron
The mendicant who bore an inveterate grudge against this son of Æsculapius
ever since he had made so free with the catholic religion replied with great
bitterness that he was a wretch with whom no Christian ought to communicate
that the vengeance of heaven would one day overtake him on account of his
profanity and that his heart was shod with a metal much harder than iron which
he was afraid nothing but hellfire would be able to melt
It was now broad day and all the servants of the inn were afoot Peregrine
seeing it would be impossible to obtain any sort of indemnification for the time
he had lost and the perturbation of his spirits hindering him from enjoying
repose which was moreover obstructed by the noise of Pallet and his
attendants put on his cloaths at once and in exceeding ill humour arrived at
the spot where this triumvirate stood debating about the means of overpowering
the furious painter who still continued his song of oaths and execrations and
made sundry efforts to break open the door Chagrind as our hero was he could
not help laughing when he heard how the patient had been treated and his
indignation changing into compassion he called to him through the keyhole
desiring to know the reason of his distracted behaviour Pallet no sooner
recognized his voice than lowering his own to a whimpering tone »My dear
friend said he I have at last detected the ruffians who have persecuted me so
much I caught them in the fact of suffocating me with cold water and by the
Lord I will be revenged or may I never live to finish my Cleopatra For the
love of God open the door and I will make that conceited pagan that pretender
to taste that false devotee of the ancients who poisons people with
sillykickabies and devils dung I say I will make him a monument of my wrath
and an example to all the cheats and impostors of the faculty and as for that
thickheaded insolent pedant his confederate who emptied my own jordan upon me
while I slept he had better have been in his beloved Paris botching schemes
for his friend the pretender than incurred the effects of my resentment
Gadsbodikins I wont leave him a windpipe for the hangman to stop at the end
of another rebellion«
Pickle told him that his conduct had been so extravagant as to confirm the
whole company in the belief that he was actually deprived of his senses on
which supposition Mr Jolter and the doctor had acted the part of friends in
doing that which they thought most conducive to his recovery so that their
concern merited his thankful acknowledgment instead of his frantic menaces and
that for his own part he would be the first to condemn him as one utterly
bereft of his wits and give orders for his being secured as a madman unless he
would immediately give a proof of his sanity by laying aside his sword
composing his spirits and thanking his injured friends for their care of his
person
This alternative quieted his transports in a moment he was terrified at the
apprehension of being treated like a Bedlamite being dubious of the state of
his own brain and on the other hand had conceived such an horror and antipathy
for his tormentors that far from believing himself obliged by what they had
done he could not even think of them without the utmost rage and detestation
He therefore in the most tranquil voice he could assume protested that he
never was less out of his senses than at present though he did not know how
long he might retain them if he should be considered in the light of a lunatic
and that in order to prove his being compos mentis he was willing to sacrifice
the resentment he so justly harboured against those who by their malice had
brought him to this pass but as he apprehended it would be the greatest sign
of madness he could exhibit to thank them for the mischiefs they had brought
upon him he desired to be excused from making any such concession and swore he
would endure every thing rather than be guilty of such mean absurdity
Peregrine held a consultation upon this reply when the governor and
physician strenuously argued against any capitulation with a maniac and
proposed that some method might be taken to seize fetter and convey him into a
dark room where he might be treated according to the rules of art But the
Capuchin understanding the circumstances of the case undertook to restore him
to his former state without having recourse to such violent measures and
Pickle who was a better judge of the affair than any person present opened the
door without further hesitation and displayed the poor painter standing with a
woeful countenance shivering in his shirt which was as wet as if he had been
dragged through the Dender a spectacle which gave such offence to the chaste
eyes of the Hebrews mistress who was by this time one of the spectators that
she turned her head another way and withdrew to her own room exclaiming
against the indecent practices of men
Pallet seeing the young gentleman enter ran to him and shaking him by the
hand called him his best friend and said he had rescued him from those who had
a design against his life The priest would have produced his parings and
applied them to his nose but was hindered by Pickle who advised the patient to
shift himself and put on his cloaths and this being done with great order and
deliberation Mr Jolter who with the doctor had kept at a wary distance in
expectation of seeing some strange effects of his distraction began to believe
that he had been guilty of a mistake and accused the physician of having misled
him by his false diagnostic The doctor still insisted upon his former
declaration assuring him that although Pallet enjoyed a short interval for the
present the delirium would soon recur unless they would profit by this
momentary calm and order him to be blooded blistered and purged with all
imaginable dispatch
The governor however notwithstanding this caution advanced to the injured
party and beggd pardon for the share he had in giving him such disturbance
declaring in the most solemn manner that he had no other intention than that of
contributing towards his welfare and that his behaviour was the result of the
physicians prescription which he affirmed was absolutely necessary for the
recovery of his health
The painter who had very little gall in his disposition was satisfied with
this apology but his resentment which was before divided now glowed with
double fire against his first fellowtraveller whom he looked upon as the
author of all the mischances he had undergone and marked out for his vengeance
accordingly Yet the doors of reconciliation were not shut against the doctor
who with great justice might have transferred this load of offence from himself
to Peregrine who was without doubt the source of the painters misfortune
but in that case he must have owned himself mistaken in his medical capacity
and he did not think the friendship of Pallet important enough to sway him to
such condescension so that he resolved to neglect him intirely and gradually
forget the former correspondence he had maintained with a person whom he deemed
so unworthy of his notice
Chapter LXII
Peregrine almost distracted with his Disappointments conjures the fair Fleming
to permit his Visits at Brussels She withdraws from his Pursuit
Things being thus adjusted and all the company dressed they went to breakfast
about five in the morning and in less than an hour after were seated in the
Diligence where a profound silence prevailed Peregrine who used to be the
life of the society being extremely pensive and melancholy on account of his
mishap the Israelite and his Dulcinea dejected in consequence of their
disgrace the poet absorpt in lofty meditation the painter in schemes of
revenge while Jolter rocked by the motion of the carriage made himself amends
for the want of rest he had sustained and the Mendicant with his fair charge
were infested by the cloudy aspect of our youth in whose disappointment each of
them for different reasons bore no inconsiderable share This general languor
and recess from all bodily exercise disposed them all to receive the gentle
yoke of slumber and in half an hour after they had embarked there was not one
of them awake except our hero and his mistress unless the Capuchin was pleased
to counterfeit sleep in order to indulge our young gentleman with an
opportunity of enjoying some private conversation with his beauteous ward
Peregrine did not neglect the occasion but on the contrary seized the
first minute and in gentle murmurs lamented his hard hap in being thus the
sport of fortune He assured her and that with great sincerity that all the
cross accidents of his life had not cost him one half of the vexation and
keenness of chagrin which he had suffered last night and that now he was on the
brink of parting from her he should be overwhelmed with the blackest despair
if she would not extend her compassion so far as to give him an opportunity of
sighing at her feet in Brussels during the few days his affairs would permit
him to spend in that city
This young lady with an air of mortification expressed her sorrow for
being the innocent cause of his anxiety said she hoped last nights adventure
would be a salutary warning to both their souls for she was persuaded that her
virtue was protected by the intervention of heaven that whatever impression it
might have made upon him she was enabled by it to adhere to that duty from
which her passion had begun to swerve and beseeching him to forget her for his
own peace gave him to understand that neither the plan she had laid down for
her own conduct nor the dictates of her honour would allow her to receive his
visits or carry on any other correspondence with him while she was restricted
by the articles of her marriagevow
This explanation produced such a violent effect upon her admirer that he
was for some minutes deprived of the faculty of speech which he no sooner
recovered than he gave vent to the most unbridled transports of passion He
taxed her with barbarity and indifference told her that she had robbed him of
his reason and internal peace that he would follow her to the ends of the
earth and cease to live sooner than cease to love her that he would sacrifice
the innocent fool who had been the occasion of all this disquiet and murder
every man whom he considered as an obstruction to his views In a word his
passions which had continued so long in a state of the highest fermentation
together with the want of that repose which calms and quiets the perturbation of
the spirits had wrought him up to a pitch of real distraction and while he
uttered these delirious expressions the tears ran down his cheeks and he
underwent such agitation that the tender heart of the fair Fleming was affected
with his condition and while her own face was bedewed with the streams of
sympathy she begged him for heavens sake to be composed and promised for his
satisfaction to abate somewhat of the rigor of her purpose Consoled by this
kind declaration he recollected himself and taking out his pencil gave her
his address when she had assured him that he should hear from her in four and
twenty hours at farthest after their separation
Thus soothed he regained the empire of himself and by degrees recovered
his serenity But this was not the case with his Amanda who from this sample
of his disposition dreaded the impetuosity of his youth and was effectually
deterred from entering into any engagements that might subject her peace and
reputation to the rash effects of such a violent spirit Though she was
captivated by his person and accomplishments she had reflection enough to
foresee that the longer she countenanced his passion her own heart would be
more and more irretrievably engaged and the quiet of her life the more exposed
to continual interruption She therefore profited by these considerations and a
sense of religious honour which helped her to withstand the suggestions of
inclination and resolved to amuse her lover with false hopes until she should
have it in her power to relinquish his conversation without running any risk of
suffering by the inconsiderate sallies of his love It was with this view that
she desired he would not insist upon attending her to her mothers house when
the Diligence arrived at Brussels and he cajoled by her artifice took a
formal leave of her together with the other strangers fixing his habitation at
the inn to which he and his fellowtravellers had been directed in the
impatient expectation of receiving a kind summons from her within the limited
time
Mean while in order to divert his imagination he went to see the
stadthouse park and arsenal took a superficial view of the famous booksellers
cabinet of curiosities and spent the evening at the Italian opera which was at
that time exhibited for the entertainment of Prince Charles of Lorrain then
governor of the Low Countries In short the stated period was almost elapsed
when Peregrine was favoured with a letter to this purpose
»Sir
If you knew what violence I do my own heart in declaring that I
have withdrawn myself for ever from your addresses you would surely
applaud the sacrifice I make to virtue and strive to imitate this
example of selfdenial Yes Sir heaven hath lent me grace to struggle
with my guilty passion and henceforth to avoid the dangerous sight of
him who inspired it I therefore conjure you by the regard you ought to
have for the eternal welfare of us both as well as by the esteem and
affection you profess to war with your unruly inclination and desist
from all attempts of frustrating the laudable resolution I have made
Seek not to invade the peace of one who loves you to disturb the quiet
of a family that never did you wrong and alienate the thoughts of a
weak woman from a deserving man who by the most sacred claim is
vested with the full possession of her heart«
This billet without either date or subscription banished all remains of
discretion from the mind of our hero who ran instantly to the landlord in all
the extasy of madness and demanded to see the messenger who brought the letter
on pain of putting his whole family to the sword The innkeeper terrified by
his looks and menaces fell upon his knees protesting in the face of heaven
that he was utterly ignorant and innocent of any thing that could give him
offence and that the billet was brought by a person whom he did not know and
who retired immediately saying it required no answer He then gave utterance
to his fury in a thousand imprecations and invectives against the writer whom
he dishonoured with the appellations of a coquette a jilt an adventurer who
by means of a pimping priest had defrauded him of his money He denounced
vengeance against the Mendicant whom he swore he would castrate if ever he
should set eyes on him again and the painter unluckily appearing during this
paroxysm of rage he seized him by the throat saying he was ruined by his
accursed folly and in all likelihood poor Pallet would have been strangled had
not Jolter interposed in his behalf beseeching his pupil to have mercy upon the
sufferer and with infinite anxiety desiring to know the cause of this violent
assault He received no answer but a string of incoherent curses and when the
painter with unspeakable astonishment took God to witness that he had done
nothing to disoblige him the governor began to think in sad earnest that
Peregrines vivacity had at length risen to the transports of actual madness
and was himself almost distracted with this supposition That he might the
better judge what remedy ought to be applied he used his whole influence and
practised all his eloquence upon the youth in order to learn the immediate
cause of his delirium He employed the most pathetic intreaties and even shed
tears in the course of his supplication so that Pickle the first violence of
the hurricane being blown over was ashamed of his own imprudence and retired
to his chamber in order to recollect his dissipated thoughts there he shut
himself up and for the second time perusing the fatal epistle began to waver
in his opinion of the authors character and intention He sometimes considered
her as one of those nymphs who under the mask of innocence and simplicity
practise upon the hearts and purses of unwary and unexperienced youths this was
the suggestion of his wrath inflamed by disappointment but when he reflected
upon the circumstances of her behaviour and recalled her particular charms to
his imagination the severity of his censure gave way and his heart declared in
favour of her sincerity Yet even this consideration aggravated the sense of his
loss and he was in danger of relapsing into his former distraction when his
passion was a little becalmed by the hope of seeing her again either by
accident or in the course of a diligent and minute inquiry which he forthwith
resolved to set on foot He had reason to believe that her own heart would
espouse his cause in spite of her virtues determination and did not despair
of meeting with the Capuchin whose good offices he knew he could at any time
command Comforted with these reflexions the tempest of his soul subsided and
in less than two hours he joined his company with an air of composure and asked
the painters forgiveness for the freedom he had taken the cause of which he
promised hereafter to explain Pallet was glad of being reconciled on any terms
to one whose countenance supported him in æquilibrio with his antagonist the
doctor and Mr Jolter was rejoiced beyond measure at his pupils recovery
Chapter LXIII
Peregrine meets with Mrs Hornbeck and is consoled for his Loss His Valet de
Chambre is embroiled with her Duenna whom however he finds Means to appease
Every thing having thus resumed its natural channel they dined together in
great tranquillity and in the afternoon Peregrine on pretence of staying at
home to write letters while his companions were at the coffeehouse ordered a
coach to be called and with his valet de chambre who was the only person
acquainted with the present state of his thoughts set out for the Promenade to
which all the ladies of fashion resort in the evening during the summerseason
in hopes of seeing his fugitive among the rest
Having made a circuit round the walk and narrowly observed every female in
the place he perceived at some distance the livery of Hornbeck upon a lacquey
that stood at the back of a coach upon which he ordered his man to reconnoitre
the said carriage while he pulled up his glasses that he might not be
discovered before he should have received some intelligence by which he might
conduct himself on this unexpected occasion that already began to interfere
with the purpose of his coming thither though it could not dispute his
attention with the idea of his charming Unknown
His Mercury having made his observations reported that there was no body
in the coach but Mrs Hornbeck and an elderly woman who had all the air of a
duenna and that the servant was not the same footman who had attended them in
France Encouraged by this information our hero ordered himself to be driven
close up to that side of their convenience on which his old mistress sat and
accosted her with the usual salutation This lady no sooner beheld her gallant
than her cheeks reddened with a double glow and she exclaimed »Dear brother
Im overjoyd to see you Pray come into our coach« He took the hint
immediately and complying with her request embraced this new sister with great
affection
Perceiving that her attendant was very much surprised and alarmed at this
unexpected meeting she in order to banish her suspicion and at the same time
give her lover his cue told him that his brother meaning her husband was gone
to the Spa for a few weeks by the advice of physicians on account of his ill
state of health and that from his last letter she had the pleasure to tell
him he was in a fair way of doing well The young gentleman expressed his
satisfaction at this piece of news observing with an air of fraternal concern
that if his brother had not made too free with his constitution his friends in
England would have had no occasion to repine at his absence and want of health
by which he was banished from his own country and connexions He then asked with
an affectation of surprize why she had not accompanied her spouse and was
given to understand that his tenderness of affection would not suffer him to
expose her to the fatigues of the journey which lay among rocks that were
almost inaccessible
The duennas doubts being eased by this preamble of conversation he changed
the subject to the pleasures of the place and among other such questions
inquired if she had as yet visited Versailles This is a public house situated
upon the canal at the distance of about two miles from town and accommodated
with tolerable gardens for the entertainment of company When she replied in the
negative he proposed to accompany her thither immediately but the governante
who had hitherto sat silent objected to this proposal telling them in broken
English that as the lady was under her care she could not answer to Mr
Hornbeck for allowing her to visit such a suspicious place »As for that matter
Madam said the confident gallant give yourself no trouble the consequences
shall be at my peril and I will undertake to insure you against my brothers
resentment« So saying he directed the coachman to the place and ordered his
own to follow under the auspices of his valet de chambre while the old
gentlewoman overruled by his assurance quietly submitted to his authority
Being arrived at the place he handed the ladies from the coach and then
for the first time observed that the duenna was lame a circumstance of which
he did not scruple to take the advantage for they had scarce alighted and
drank a glass of wine when he advised his sister to enjoy a walk in the garden
and although the attendant made shift to keep them almost always in view they
enjoyed a detached conversation in which Peregrine learnt that the true cause
of her being left behind at Brussels whilst her husband proceeded to Spa was
his dread of the company and familiarities of that place to which his jealousy
durst not expose her and that she had lived three weeks in a convent at Lisle
from which she was delivered by his own free motion because indeed he could no
longer exist without her company and lastly our lover understood that her
governante was a mere dragon who had been recommended to him by a Spanish
merchant whose wife she attended to her dying day but she very much questioned
whether or not her fidelity was proof enough against money and strong waters
Peregrine assured her the experiment should be tried before parting and they
agreed to pass the night at Versailles provided his endeavours should succeed
Having exercised themselves in this manner until his duennas spirits were
pretty much exhausted that she might be the better disposed to recruit them
with a glass of liqueur they returned to their apartment and the cordial was
recommended and received in a bumper but as it did not produce such a visible
alteration as the sanguine hopes of Pickle had made him expect and the old
gentlewoman observed that it began to be late and that the gates would be shut
in a little time he filled up a parting glass and pledged her in equal
quantity Her blood was too much chilled to be warmed even by this extraordinary
dose which made immediate innovation in the brain of our youth who in the
gaiety of his imagination overwhelmed this SheArgus with such profusion of
gallantry that she was more intoxicated with his expressions than with the
spirits she had drank and when in the course of toying he dropt a purse into
her bosom she seemed to forget how the night wore and with the approbation of
her charge assented to his proposal of having something for supper
This was a great point which our adventurer had gained and yet he plainly
perceived that the governante mistook his meaning by giving herself credit for
all the passion he had professed As this error could be rectified by no other
means than those of plying her with the bottle until her distinguishing
faculties should be overpowered he promoted a quick circulation and she did
him justice without any manifest signs of inebriation so long that his own
eyes began to reel in the sockets and he found that before his scheme could be
accomplished he should be effectually unfitted for all the purposes of love He
therefore had recourse to his valet de chambre who understood the hint as soon
as it was given and readily undertook to perform the part of which his master
had playd the prelude This affair being settled to his satisfaction and the
night at odds with morning he took an opportunity of imparting to the ear of
this aged Dulcinea a kind whisper importing a promise of visiting her when his
sister should be retired to her own chamber and an earnest desire of leaving
her door unlocked
This agreeable intimation being communicated he conveyed a caution of the
same nature to Mrs Hornbeck as he led her to her apartment and darkness and
silence no sooner prevailed in the house than he and his trusty squire set out
on their different voyages and every thing would have succeeded according to
their wish had not the valet de chambre suffered himself to fall asleep at the
side of his inamorata and in the agitation of a violent dream exclaimed in a
voice so unlike to that of her supposed adorer that she distinguished the
difference at once and waking him with a pinch and a loud shriek threatened to
prosecute him for a rape and reviled him with all the epithets her rage and
disappointment could suggest
The Frenchman finding himself detected behaved with great temper and
address he beggd she would compose herself on account of her own reputation
which was extremely dear to him protested that he had a most inviolable esteem
for her person and that if he had not already given convincing proofs of his
passion he was disposed to do every thing in his power for her satisfaction
These representations mingled with some little practical expressions of
tenderness had weight with the duenna who upon recollection comprehended the
whole affair and thought it would be her interest to bring matters to an
accommodation She therefore admitted the apologies of her bedfellow provided
he would promise to atone by marriage for the injury she had sustained and in
this particular he set her heart at ease by repeated vows which he uttered with
surprising volubility though without any intention to perform the least tittle
of their contents
Peregrine who had been alarmed by her exclamation and run to the door with
a view of interposing according to the emergency of the case overhearing the
affair thus compromised returned to his mistress who was highly entertained
with an account of what had passed foreseeing that for the future she should
be under no difficulty or restriction from the severity of her guard
Chapter LXIV
Hornbeck is informed of his Wifes Adventure with Peregrine for whom he
prepares a Stratagem which is rendered ineffectual by the Information of Pipes
The Husband is ducked for his Intention and our Hero apprehended by the Patrole
There was another person however still ungained and that was no other than
her footman whose secrecy our hero attempted to secure in the morning by an
handsome present which he received with many professions of gratitude and
devotion to his service yet this complaisance was nothing but a cloak used to
disguise the design he harboured of making his master acquainted with the whole
transaction Indeed this lacquey had been hired not only as a spy upon his
mistress but also as a check on the conduct of the governante with promise of
ample reward if ever he should discover any sinister or suspicious practices in
the course of their behaviour and as for the footman whom they had brought from
England he was retained in attendance upon the person of his master whose
confidence he had lost by advising him to gentle methods of reclaiming his
lady when her irregularities had subjected her to his wrath
The Flemish valet in consequence of the office he had undertaken wrote to
Hornbeck by the first post giving an exact detail of the adventure at
Versailles with such a description of the pretended brother as left the
husband no room to think he could be any other person than his first
dishonourer and exasperated him to such a degree that he resolved to lay an
ambush for this invader and at once disqualify him from disturbing his repose
by maintaining further correspondence with his wife
Mean while the lovers enjoyed themselves without restraint and Peregrines
plan of inquiry after his dear Unknown was for the present postponed His
fellowtravellers were confounded at his mysterious motions which filled the
heart of Jolter with anxiety and terror This careful conductor was fraught with
such experience of his pupils disposition that he trembled with the
apprehension of some sudden accident and lived in continual alarm like a man
that walks under the wall of a nodding tower Nor did he enjoy any alleviation
of his fears when upon telling the young gentleman that the rest of the
company were desirous of departing for Antwerp he answered they were at
liberty to consult their own inclinations but for his own part he was resolved
to stay in Brussels a few days longer By this declaration the governor was
confirmed in the opinion of his having some intrigue upon the anvil and in the
bitterness of his vexation took the liberty of signifying his suspicion and
reminding him of the dangerous dilemmas to which he had been reduced by his
former precipitation
Peregrine took his caution in good part and promised to behave with such
circumspection as would screen him from any troublesome consequences for the
future but nevertheless behaved that same evening in such a manner as
plainly shewed that his prudence was nothing else than vain speculation He had
made an appointment to spend the night as usual with Mrs Hornbeck and about
nine oclock hastened to her lodgings when he was accosted in the street by his
old discarded friend Thomas Pipes who without any other preamble told him
that for all he had turned him adrift he did not choose to see him run full
sail into his enemys harbour without giving him timely notice of the danger
»Ill tell you what said he mayhap you think I want to curry favour that I
may be taken in tow again if you do you have made a mistake in your reckoning
I am old enough to be laid up and have wherewithal to keep my planks from the
weather But this here is the affair I have known you since you were no higher
than a marlinspike and shouldnt care to see you deprived of your carriages at
these years whereby I am informed by Hornbecks man whom I this afternoon fell
in with by chance as how his master has got intelligence of your boarding his
wife and has steerd privately into this port with a large compliment of
hands in order dye see to secure you while you are under the hatches and
cut away your tackle without fear or mercy Now if so be as how you have a mind
to give him a salt eel for his supper here am I without hope of fee or reward
ready to stand by you as long as my timbers will stick together and if I expect
any recompence may I be bound to eat oakum and drink bilgewater for life«
Startled at this information Peregrine examined him upon the particulars of
his discourse with the lacquey and when he understood that Hornbecks
intelligence flowed from the canal of his Flemish footman he believed every
circumstance of Toms report thanked him for this warning and after having
reprimanded him for his misbehaviour at Lisle assured him that it should be his
own fault if ever they should part again He then deliberated with himself
whether or not he should retort the purpose upon his adversary but when he
considered that Hornbeck was not the aggressor and made that unhappy husbands
case his own he could not help acquitting his intention of revenge though in
his opinion it ought to have been executed in a more honourable manner and
therefore he determined to chastise him for his want of spirit Nothing surely
can be more insolent and unjust than this determination which induced him to
punish a person for his want of courage to redress the injury which he himself
had done to his reputation and peace and yet this barbarity of decision is
sanctioned by the opinion and practice of mankind
With these sentiments he returned to the inn and putting a pair of pistols
in his pocket ordered his valet de chambre and Pipes to follow him at a small
distance so as that they should be within call in case of necessity and
posted himself within thirty yards of his Dulcineas door There he had not been
above half an hour when he perceived four men take up their station on the
other side with a view as he guessed to watch for his going in that he might
be taken unaware But when they had tarried a considerable time in that corner
without reaping the fruits of their expectation their leader persuaded that
the gallant had gained admittance by some secret means approached the door with
his followers who according to the instructions they had received no sooner
saw it opened than they rushed in leaving their employer in the street where
he thought his person would be least endangered Our adventurer seeing him
alone advanced with speed and clapping a pistol to his breast commanded him
to follow his footsteps without noise on pain of immediate death
Terrified at this sudden apparition Hornbeck obeyed in silence and in a
few minutes they arrived at the quay where Pickle halting gave him to
understand that he was no stranger to his villainous design and told him that
if he conceived himself injured by any circumstance of his conduct he would now
give him an opportunity of resenting the wrong in a manner becoming a man of
honour »You have a sword about you said he or if you dont choose to put the
affair on that issue here is a brace of pistols take which you please« Such
an address could not fail to disconcert a man of his character After some
hesitation he in a faultering accent denied that his design was to mutilate Mr
Pickle but that he thought himself intitled to the benefit of the law by which
he would have obtained a divorce if he could have procured evidence of his
wifes infidelity and with that view had employed people to take advantage of
the information he had received With regard to his alternative he declined it
intirely because he could not see what satisfaction he should enjoy in being
shot through the head or run through the lungs by a person who had already
wronged him in an irreparable manner and lastly his fear made him propose
that the affair should be left to the arbitration of two creditable men
altogether unconcerned in the dispute
To these remonstrances Peregrine replied in the stile of a hotheaded young
man conscious of his own unjustifiable behaviour that every gentleman ought to
be a judge of his own honour and therefore he would submit to the decision of
no umpire whatsoever that he would forgive his want of courage which might be
a natural infirmity but his mean dissimulation he could not pardon and that
as he was certified of the rascally intent of his ambuscade by undoubted
intelligence he would treat him not with a retaliation of his own treachery
but with such indignity as a scoundrel deserves to suffer unless he would make
one effort to maintain the character he assumed in life so saying he again
presented his pistol which being rejected as before he called his two
ministers and ordered them to duck him in the canal
This command was pronounced and executed almost in the same breath to the
unspeakable terror and disorder of the poor shivering patient who having
undergone the immersion ran about like a drowned rat squeaking for assistance
and revenge His cries were overheard by the patrole which chancing to pass
that way took him under their protection and in consequence of his complaint
and information went in pursuit of our adventurer and his attendants who were
soon overtaken and surrounded Rash and inconsiderate as the young gentleman
was he did not pretend to stand upon the defensive against a file of
musketeers although Pipes had drawn his cutlass at their approach but
surrendered himself without opposition and was conveyed to the main guard
where the commanding officer engaged by his appearance and address treated him
with all imaginable respect and hearing the particulars of his adventure
assured him that the prince would consider the whole as a Tour de jeunesse and
order him to be released without delay
Next morning when this gentleman gave in his report he made such a
favourable representation of the prisoner that our hero was on the point of
being discharged when Hornbeck preferred a complaint accusing him of a
purposed assassination and praying that such punishment should be inflicted
upon him as his highness should think adequate to the nature of the crime The
prince perplexed with this petition in consequence of which he foresaw that
he must disoblige a British subject sent for the plaintiff of whom he had some
knowledge and in person exhorted him to drop the prosecution which would only
serve to propagate his own shame But Hornbeck was too much incensed to listen
to any proposal of that kind and peremptorily demanded justice against the
prisoner whom he represented as an obscure adventurer who had made repeated
attempts upon his honour and his life Prince Charles told him that what he had
advised was in the capacity of a friend but since he insisted upon his acting
as a magistrate the affair should be examined and determined according to the
dictates of justice and truth
The petitioner being dismissed with this promise the defendant was in his
turn brought before the judge whose prepossession in his favour was in a great
measure weakened by what his antagonist had said to the prejudice of his birth
and reputation
Chapter LXV
Peregrine is released Jolter confounded at his mysterious Conduct A Contest
happens between the Poet and Painter who are reconciled by the Mediation of
their fellow Travellers
Our hero understanding from some expressions which escaped the prince that he
was considered in the light of a sharper and assassin begged that he might have
the liberty of sending for some vouchers that would probably vindicate his
character from the malicious aspersions of his adversary and this permission
being granted he wrote a letter to his governor desiring that he would bring
to him the letters of recommendation which he had received from the British
embassador at Paris and such other papers as he thought conducive to evince the
importance of his situation
The billet was given in charge to one of the subaltern officers on duty who
carried it to the inn and demanded to speak with Mr Jolter Pallet who
happened to be at the door when this messenger arrived and heard him enquire
for the tutor ran directly to that gentlemans apartment and in manifest
disorder told him that a huge fellow of a soldier with a monstrous pair of
whiskers and a furcap as big as a bushel was asking for him at the door The
poor governor began to shake at this intimation though he was not conscious of
having committed any thing that could attract the attention of the state and
when the officer appeared at his chamberdoor his confusion increased to such a
degree that his perception seemed to vanish and the subaltern repeated the
purport of his errand three times before he could comprehend his meaning or
venture to receive the letter which he presented At length however he
summoned all his fortitude and having perused the epistle his terror sunk into
anxiety his ingenious fear immediately suggested that Peregrine was confined
in a dungeon for some outrage he had committed he ran with great agitation to
a trunk and taking out a bundle of papers followed his conductor being
attended by the painter to whom he had hinted his apprehension When they
passed through the guard which was under arms the hearts of both died within
them and when they came into the presence there was such an expression of
awful horror on the countenance of Jolter that the prince observing his
dismay was pleased to encourage him with an assurance that he had nothing to
fear Thus comforted he recollected himself so well as to understand his pupil
when he desired him to produce the Embassadors letters some of which being
open were immediately read by his highness who was personally acquainted with
the writer and knew several of the noblemen to whom they were addressed These
recommendations were so warm and represented the young gentleman in such an
advantageous light that the prince convinced of the injustice his character
had suffered by the misrepresentation of Hornbeck took our hero by the hand
asked pardon for the doubts he had entertained of his honour declared him from
that moment at liberty ordered his domesticks to be enlarged and offered him
his countenance and protection as long as he should remain in the Austrian
Netherlands At the same time he cautioned him against indiscretion in the
course of his gallantries and took his word and honour that he should drop all
measures of resentment against the person of Hornbeck during his residence in
that place
The delinquent thus honourably acquitted thanked the prince in the most
respectful manner for his generosity and candour and retired with his two
friends who were amazed and bewildered in their thoughts at what they had seen
and heard the whole adventure still remaining without the sphere of their
comprehension which was not at all enlarged by the unaccountable appearance of
Pipes who with the valet de chambre joined them at the castlegate Had Jolter
been a man of a luxuriant imagination his brain would undoubtedly have suffered
in the investigation of his pupils mysterious conduct which he strove in vain
to unravel but his intellects were too solid to be affected by the miscarriage
of his invention and as Peregrine did not think proper to make him acquainted
with the cause of his being apprehended he contented himself with supposing
that there was a lady in the case
The painter whose imagination was of a more flimsy texture formed a
thousand chimerical conjectures which he communicated to Pickle in imperfect
insinuations hoping by his answers and behaviour to discover the truth but
the youth in order to tantalize him eluded all his enquiries with such
appearance of industry and art as heightened his curiosity while it
disappointed his aim and inflamed him to such a degree of impatience that his
wits began to be unsettled and Peregrine was fain to recompose his brain by
telling him in confidence that he had been arrested as a spy This secret he
found more intolerable than his former uncertainty he ran from one apartment to
another like a goose in the agonies of egglaying with intention of
disburdening this important load but Jolter being engaged with his pupil and
all the people of the house ignorant of the only language he could speak he was
compelled with infinite reluctance to address himself to the doctor who was
at that time shut up in his own chamber Having knocked at the door to no
purpose he peeped through the keyhole and saw the physician sitting at a
table with a pen in one hand and paper before him his head reclined upon his
other hand and his eyes fixed upon the ceiling as if he had been intranced
Pallet concluding that he was under the power of some convulsion endeavoured
to force the door open and the noise of his efforts recalled the doctor from
his reverie This poetical republican being so disagreeably disturbed started
up in a passion and opening the door no sooner perceived who had interrupted
him than he flung it in his face with great fury and cursed him for his
impertinent intrusion which had deprived him of the most delightful vision that
ever regaled the human fancy He imagined as he afterwards imparted to
Peregrine that as he enjoyed himself in walking through the flowery plain that
borders on Parnassus he was met by a venerable sage whom by a certain divine
vivacity that lightened from his eyes he instantly knew to be the immortal
Pindar He was immediately struck with reverence and awe and prostrated himself
before the apparition which taking him by the hand lifted him gently from the
ground and with words more sweet than the honey of the Hybla bees told him
that of all the moderns he alone was visited by that celestial impulse by which
he himself had been inspired when he produced his most applauded odes So
saying he led him up the sacred hill persuaded him to drink a copious draught
of the waters of the Hippocrene and then presented him to the harmonious nine
who crowned his temples with a laurelwreath
No wonder then that he was enraged to find himself cut off from such
sublime society He raved in Greek against the invader who was so big with his
own purpose that unmindful of the disgrace he had sustained and disregarding
all the symptoms of the physicians displeasure he applied his mouth to the
door and in eager tone »Ill hold you any wager said he that I guess the
true cause of Mr Pickles imprisonment« To this challenge he received no
reply and therefore repeated it adding »I suppose you imagine he was taken up
for fighting a duel for affronting a nobleman or lying with some mans wife
or some such matter but agad you was never more mistaken in your life and
Ill lay my Cleopatra against your Homers head that in four and twenty hours
you shant light on the true reason«
The favourite of the muses exasperated at this vexatious perseverance of
the painter who he imagined had come thither to teize and insult him »I would
said he sacrifice a cock to Æsculapius were I assured that any person had
been taken up for extirpating such a troublesome Goth as you are from the face
of the earth and as for your boasted Cleopatra which you say was drawn from
your own wife I believe the copy has as much of the to kalon as the original
But were it mine it should be hung up in the temple of Cloacina as the
picture of that goddess for any other apartment would be disgraced by its
appearance« »Hark ye Sir replied Pallet enraged in his turn at this
contemptuous mention of his darling performance you may make as free with my
wife as you think proper but ware my works those are the children of my
fancy conceived by the glowing imagination and formed by the art of my own
hands and you yourself are a Goth and a Turk and a Tartar and an impudent
pretending jackanapes to treat with such disrespect a production which in the
opinions of all the connoisseurs of the age will when finished be a
masterpiece in its kind and do honour to human genius and skill So I say
again and again and I care not though your friend Playtor heard me that you
have no more taste than a draymans horse and that those foolish notions of the
ancients ought to be drubbd out of you with a good cudgel that you might learn
to treat men of parts with more veneration Perhaps you may not always be in the
company of one who will hollow for assistance when you are on the brink of
being chastised for your insolence as I did when you brought upon yourself the
resentment of that Scot who by the Lard would have paid you both scot and
lot as Falstaf says if the French officer had not put him in arrest«
The physician to this declamation which was conveyed through the keyhole
answered that he the painter was a fellow so infinitely below his
consideration that his conscience upbraided him with no action of his life
except that of choosing such a wretch for his companion and fellowtraveller
That he had viewed his character through the medium of good nature and
compassion which had prompted him to give Pallet an opportunity of acquiring
some new ideas under his immediate instruction but he had abused his goodness
and condescension in such a flagrant manner that he was now determined to
discard him intirely from his acquaintance and desired him for the present to
take himself away on pain of being kicked for his presumption
Pallet was too much incensed to be intimidated by this threat which he
retorted with great virulence defying him to come forth that it might appear
which of them was best skilled in that pedestrian exercise which he immediately
began to practise against the door with such thundering application as reached
the ears of Pickle and his governor who coming out into the passage and seeing
him thus employed asked if he had forgot the chamberpots of Alost that he
ventured to behave in such a manner as intitled him to a second prescription of
the same nature
The doctor understanding that there was company at hand opened the door in
a twinkling and springing upon his antagonist like a tyger a fierce
contention would have ensued to the infinite satisfaction of our hero had not
Jolter to the manifest peril of his own person interposed and partly by
force and partly by exhortations put a stop to the engagement before it was
fairly begun After having demonstrated the indecency of such a vulgar
rencounter betwixt two fellowcitizens in a foreign land he beggd to know the
cause of their dissention and offered his good offices towards an
accommodation Peregrine also seeing the fray was finished expressed himself
to the same purpose and the painter for obvious reasons declining an
explanation his antagonist told the youth what a mortifying interruption he had
suffered by the impertinent intrusion of Pallet and gave him a detail of the
particulars of his vision as above recited The arbiter owned the provocation
was not to be endured and decreed that the offender should make some atonement
for his transgression Upon which the painter observed that howsoever he might
have been disposed to make acknowledgments if the physician had signified his
displeasure like a gentleman the complainant had now forfeited all claim to any
such concessions by the vulgar manner in which he had reviled him and his
productions observing that if he the painter had been inclined to retort his
slanderous insinuations the republicans own works would have afforded ample
subject for his ridicule and censure
After divers disputes and representations peace was at length concluded on
condition that for the future the doctor should never mention Cleopatra unless
he could say something in her praise and that Pallet in consideration of his
having been the first aggressor should make a sketch of the physicians vision
to be engraved and prefixed to the next edition of his odes
Chapter LXVI
Peregrine renews his Inquiries about his lost Amanda in the Course of which he
is engaged in an Intrigue with a Nun which produces strange Consequences
Though this treaty was concluded at the instances of Peregrine and his governor
it was impossible that a lasting friendship could subsist between the two
parties because they entertained for each other the most perfect contempt
which in the course of their communication could not fail to minister daily
food for animosity and aversion
Our adventurers next care was to exercise all his diligence and invention
to find his lost Amanda who now that he was detached from Mrs Hornbeck
resumed the full possession of his thoughts As she would never tell him her own
name or that of her mother his inquiries were directed by a personal
description only and that in such a populous city as Brussels could tend but
very little to his satisfaction He not only ordered his valet de chambre to
exert his whole address in order to discover the place of her abode but this
dexterous minister who was very well acquainted in that city retained half a
dozen of noted pimps for the same purpose who were directed to employ their
researches for a very handsome young lady of the middle stature with fine
black eyes and teeth as white as snow a native of Brussels though married to
a French gentleman and lately arrived from her husbands house on a visit to
her mother who was dangerously ill
Thus instructed they put themselves in motion while the lover in person
frequented the court the opera the churches public walks and every place
where he thought there was the least probability of seeing her The description
his Mercury had given to the understrappers of gallantry in a good measure
suited several ladies in town whom Peregrine found means to see in consequence
of the reports he had received but he could not recognize his dear
fellowtraveller among the number At last one of his terriers gave the valet de
chambre to understand that at the grate of a certain nunnery he had observed a
beautiful young creature who resembled the picture he had drawn and that upon
inquiry he found she had not taken the veil but her mother being lately dead
had entered as a pensionaire until her familyaffairs could be adjusted
This piece of intelligence was no sooner communicated to our hero than he
flew in the utmost impatience to the nunnery and without allowing himself to
believe that this boarder could be any other than the object of his pursuit
desired the portress to tell the young lady who was lately admitted that one of
her relations beggd to speak with her at the grate He had not waited five
minutes when this nymph appeared and though he found his expectation
disappointed he was so struck with the charms of this new figure that his
heart throbbed when she approached and after he had asked pardon for the
liberty he had taken and explained the nature of his mistake he could not help
telling her that he thought himself fortunate in the misinformation he had
received since it was attended with the pleasure of seeing such an amiable
young lady To this compliment she replied with great spirit and good humour
that encouraged the youth to continue the conversation during which he
professed himself her admirer and when for the sake of decorum he was obliged
to take his leave earnestly beggd he might be allowd to repeat his visit and
having obtained this permission and the knowledge of her name returned to his
lodgings in full confidence of bringing this intrigue to a prosperous issue
Nor had the young gentleman in this case overrated his own success the lady
happened to be of a very amorous complexion and her passions being inflamed
rather than mortified by the restraint in which she lived she was captivated
by the person of Peregrine and his insinuating address had confirmed his
conquest He did not fail to be at the grate next day where he urged his suit
with such irresistible recommendations that she confessed a mutual flame after
having observed that the circumstances of her situation would not permit her to
protract that acknowledgment in the usual form He received this confession with
transport as the effusion of an ingenuous mind that soars above all the little
arts and disguises of the sex and intreated her to tell him when or where he
should have the happiness of conversing with her without the interposition of
these invidious bars
She gave him to understand that as her friends had put her under the
direction of a severe abbess it would be impossible for her to go abroad
without the connivance of the portress and equally impracticable for him to
gain admittance into the convent without running a manifest risk of being
discovered and consequently punished with the utmost severity
When a fair lady was in the case our adventurer despised all danger and
spared no expence Thus informed he studied the disposition of the old sister
who kept the keys and in her appearance and conversation distinguished the
implacable rancour of a woman who had spent her youth in all the mortification
of detested celibacy She bore a most inveterate grudge to all her juniors who
still remained within the possibility of enjoying those pleasures from which she
was eternally cut off and observed all the young men who appeared at the grate
with the most envious suspicion Not even the power of allpersuading gold could
tame the spite or soften the vigilant asperity of this indomitable maiden
Our lover tampered with her in vain nay she threatened to inform the
abbess of his sacrilegious attempt that he might for the future be excluded
from the privilege of speaking to the nuns and for the first time he found
the art of corruption ineffectual Baffled in this endeavour he conferred with
his mistress about some other means of procuring an unrestricted interview and
she in the fertility of her invention proposed that he should make it his
business to find some woman who by her acquaintance in the convent would
introduce him in a female dress as a stranger desirous of seeing the oeconomy
of the house The expedient was wonderfully relished by the gallant who had
immediate recourse to the assistance of his valet de chambre by whom he was
next day made acquainted with a certain goodnatured gentlewoman who for an
handsome consideration undertook the task From this good ladys wardrobe he
was accordingly accommodated with a proper suit which on account of his
stature was pieced for the purpose and his mistress being previously prepared
with the knowledge of their intention he set out in the afternoon with his
conductress who had interest enough to obtain his admission on pretence of his
being an English lady just arrived from her own country and curious to see the
menage and accommodations of a nunnery Though the alteration of his dress and
a pair of artificial eyebrows screened him from the penetrating eye of the
portress there was something so remarkably singular in his make stature
countenance and mien that the sisters gazed upon him as a prodigy and he could
hear them as he passed asking of each other with expressions of astonishment
if all the women in England made such a strange appearance
Having visited the cells and chapel his charmer officiously offered her
service in conducting the stranger to the garden and after having attended them
in walking several turns invited them to repose in a small arbour that stood
at one corner in the middle of a tuft of trees which rendered it impervious to
the view The old gentlewoman understanding the hint accompanied the lovers to
the entrance of this grove where she left them on pretence of being still
unwearied with the exercise of her legs and their mutual raptures in this
stolen interview began to rise to a very interesting pitch when they were
alarmed by the rustling of the leaves behind them and turning their eyes
towards the place perceived they were discovered by a nun who either by
accident or design had concealed herself in the thicket until scandalized by
their behaviour she thought it high time to signify her presence
It is not to be doubted that our hero and his mistress were grievously
disconcerted on this occasion The lady cried she was undone and had almost
fainted with fear which was not at all without foundation considering that not
only her reputation but even her life was at stake Peregrine though he could
easily have made his escape over the gardenwall had too much gallantry to
leave his charmer and friend in such a dangerous dilemma and therefore with
admirable presence of mind advanced to the author of his perplexity and
without any ceremony or courtship found means to make her a party in the
secret before she could recollect herself so far as to find fault with his
proceeding
This measure reestablished the tranquillity of the scene the two ladies
embraced as sisters and vowed eternal friendship on the spot and the young
gentleman having protested that he would share his affection between them and
practise the same method of visiting them in a few days rejoined his
directress and returned in safety to his own lodgings being but indifferently
satisfied with the adventure of the day by which he found himself obliged
either to forego all correspondence with the woman he loved or carry on an
intrigue with a person who was not at all to his liking for the attractions of
the nun were by no means inchanting
He next day appeared at the grate in his own person and intimated his
sentiments on this subject to his mistress who assured him that
notwithstanding her behaviour to the sister in the emergency of yesterday she
would much rather be debarred of his company for ever than enjoy it upon the
terms which necessity had obliged him to propose She said the reflection on
what had passed in the grove had inspired her with such an unconquerable
aversion for that accidental rival that she could not think of her without hate
and indignation She wished she had run all risks rather than submit to such
detested partition and vowed with great warmth that let the consequence be
what it would she was determined to discover the whole affair to the abbess if
ever he should introduce himself again in a manner which must subject him to
the knowledge and claim of her competitor
He applauded the delicacy of her sentiments which he swore were exactly
conformable to his own and promised to desist from those visits that gave her
umbrage encouraging her to hope that they would find some other means of
settling an intercourse in which she should ingross his undivided attention
Such a scheme was actually the subject of his thoughts at that time and a youth
of his fruitful imagination assisted with the counsels of such a consummate
politician as the valet de chambre would undoubtedly have brought it to
maturation had not his aim been anticipated by an unforeseen accident that
flowed from the partial administration of his favour The nun who had been
indebted to chance for his addresses was too conscious of her own inferior
qualifications to think she could dispute the heart of our hero with the young
lady who was previously possessed of his affection she knew that her share of
his good graces was altogether casual and that the continuance of his
assiduities must be the effect of policy and constrained complaisance yet even
on these considerations they were too agreeable to be given up and therefore
she resolved to guard her privilege with the most minute vigilance and caution
Jealousy was the natural consequence of these suggestions the assignation in
the garden she knew must have been preceded by some communication and as
there was no other opportunity of conversing with the male sex except that of
holding a conference through the grate she went to the portress with a view of
obtaining some intelligence and pumped the beldame so successfully that she
learnt how her rival had that very forenoon been favoured with a visit by a
young gentleman whom she supposed to be no other than their common gallant
Inflamed with this information she taxed the young lady with double dealing
and scolded with such bitterness that the other already prejudiced against her
pretensions could no longer contain her resentment which she uttered in
contemptuous sneers against her personal attributes and in the pride of her
wrath declared that she ought not to expect another interview with her lover in
the grove for he was already too much satiated with her charms to return to
such a banquet and had relinquished her to the chance of meeting with another
charitable meal
No tygress robbed of her young was ever exalted to an higher pitch of fury
than this nun when she found herself abandoned by her lover and insulted in
this mortifying explanation She darted upon her antagonist like a hawk upon a
partridge and with her nails disfigured that fair face which had defrauded her
of her dearest expectation Nor did the rival tamely bear the barbarity of her
rage what she wanted in strength she supplied with spirit and twisting her
hand in the hair of the aggressor pulled her head with violence to the ground
The noise of this contention increased by the cries of the combatants whose
tongues were more active than their hands brought a croud of sisters to the
spot but so fiercely were they engaged that they neither minded admonitions
nor threats nor paid the least regard to their own reputation but on the
contrary as if they had not known that they were surrounded by numbers who
heard every word that proceeded from their mouths they made no secret of the
cause of their dispute which in the precipitancy of their wrath they divulged
with all its circumstances to the amazement of the bystanders
At length the lady abbess arrived and what her authority could not
accomplish was effected by two laysisters who being summoned for the purpose
separated the rivals who were by this time quite exhausted with the fatigue of
the battle Had this mutual detection been made in any company of females the
secret would have hardly rested among those who heard it much less in a
convent where so many old maidens happened to be present One of these
antiquated devotees accordingly imparted it to the superior who having examined
into the particulars and found the information true from the rash
recrimination of the incensed parties on their trial considered the affair as a
very serious matter which affected the good order and reputation of her
convent assembled all the sisters and exhorted them to suppress the discovery
as a circumstance injurious to the character of the house laid strict
injunctions on the portress to be very cautious for the future in the discharge
of her office delivered over the backsliding nun to a severe penance prescribed
by her ghostly father and that very day sent her boarder back to her relations
with a hint of what had happened and an advice to dispose of her in some remote
nunnery where she would be less exposed to the machinations of her gallant
Our lover utterly ignorant of this unlucky fray and its consequence was
confounded when the wrinkled turnkey refused to admit him to the grate telling
him that his impious contrivance had come to light that the lewd young woman
for whose sake he had been guilty of such a flagrant crime was banished from
the convent and that if ever he should make another attempt to disturb the
tranquillity of their retreat a formal complaint would be preferred against him
to the civil magistrate
Thunderstruck with this reception he did not think proper to advance any
thing in his own vindication but retreated with all convenient dispatch not
ill pleased at the issue of an adventure which might have proved not only
disagreeable but dangerous in the highest degree He at once conjectured that
the mutual jealousy of the ladies had betrayed the intrigue and imagined that
now his charmer was delivered from the restrictions of a convent she would be
more accessible to his endeavours On this supposition he sent his couriers
upon the scout and as he knew her name it was not long before he learnt from
their artful inquiries that immediately after her dismission from one nunnery
she had been entered in another at Ghent in consequence of the superiors
advice and in all likelihood would be compelled to take the veil by her
guardians who were remarkably zealous for the welfare of her soul
Chapter LXVII
The Travellers depart for Antwerp at which Place the Painter gives a Loose to
his Enthusiasm
Our adventurer thus deprived of an agreeable correspondence and baffled in all
his efforts to retrieve the other object of his passion yielded at length to
the remonstrances of his governor and fellowtravellers who out of pure
complaisance to him had exceeded their intended stay by six days at least and
a couple of postchaises with three ridinghorses being hired they departed
from Brussels in the morning dined at Mechlin and arrived about eight in the
evening at the venerable city of Antwerp During this days journey Pallet was
elevated to an uncommon flow of spirits with the prospect of seeing the
birthplace of Rubens for whom he professed an enthusiastic admiration He
swore that the pleasure he felt was equal to that of a Mussulman on the last
day of his pilgrimage to Mecca and that he already considered himself a native
of Antwerp being so intimately acquainted with their so justly boasted citizen
from whom at certain junctures he could not help believing himself derived
because his own pencil adopted the manner of that great man with surprising
facility and his face wanted nothing but a pair of whiskers and a beard to
exhibit the express image of the Flemings countenance He told them he was so
proud of this resemblance that in order to render it more striking he had at
one time of his life resolved to keep his face sacred from the razor and in
that purpose had persevered notwithstanding the continual reprehensions of Mrs
Pallet who being then with child said his aspect was so hideous that she
dreaded a miscarriage every hour until she threatened in plain terms to
dispute the sanity of his intellects and apply to the chancellor for a
committee
The doctor on his occasion observed that a man who is not proof against the
solicitations of a woman can never expect to make a great figure in life that
painters and poets ought to cultivate no wives but the muses or if they are by
the accidents of fortune incumbered with families they should carefully guard
against that pernicious weakness falsely honoured with the appellation of
natural affection and pay no manner of regard to the impertinent customs of the
world »Granting that you had been for a short time deemed a lunatic said he
you might have acquitted yourself honourably of that imputation by some
performance that would have raised your character above all censure Sophocles
himself that celebrated tragic poet who for the sweetness of his
versification was stiled melitta or the bee in his old age suffered the same
accusation from his own children who seeing him neglect his family affairs and
devote himself intirely to poetry carried him before the magistrate as a man
whose intellects were so much impaired by the infirmities of age that he was no
longer fit to manage his domestic concerns upon which the reverend bard
produced his tragedy of Oidipoys epi Kolono as a work he had just finished
which being perused instead of being declared unsound of understanding he was
dismissed with admiration and applause I wish your beard and whiskers had been
sanctioned by the like authority though I am afraid you would have been in the
predicament of those disciples of a certain philosopher who drank decoctions of
cumminseeds that their faces might adopt the paleness of their masters
complexion hoping that in being as wan they would be as learned as their
teacher« The painter stung with this sarcasm replied »or like those
Virtuosi who by repeating Greek eating sillikickaby and pretending to see
visions think they equal the ancients in taste and genius« The physician
retorted Pallet rejoined and the altercation continued until they entered the
gates of Antwerp when the admirer of Rubens broke forth into a rapturous
exclamation which put an end to the dispute and attracted the notice of the
inhabitants many of whom by shrugging up their shoulders and pointing to
their foreheads gave shrewd indications that they believed him a poor
gentleman disordered in his brain
They had no sooner alighted at the inn than this pseudoenthusiast proposed
to visit the great church in which he had been informed some of his masters
pieces were to be seen and was remarkably chagrined when he understood that he
could not be admitted till next day He rose next morning by daybreak and
disturbed his fellowtravellers in such a noisy and clamorous manner that
Peregrine determined to punish him with some new infliction and while he put on
his cloaths actually formed the plan of promoting a duel between him and the
doctor in the management of which he promised himself store of entertainment
from the behaviour of both
Being provided with one of those domestics who are always in waiting to
offer their services to strangers on their first arrival they were conducted to
the house of a gentleman who had an excellent collection of pictures and though
the greatest part of them were painted by his favourite artist Pallet condemned
them all by the lump because Pickle had told him beforehand that there was not
one performance of Rubens among the number
The next place they visited was what is called the academy of painting
furnished with a number of paultry pieces in which our painter recognized the
stile of Peter Paul with many expressions of admiration on the same sort of
previous intelligence
From this repository they went to the great church and being led to the
tomb of Rubens the whimsical painter fell upon his knees and worshipped with
such appearance of devotion that the attendant scandalized at his
superstition pulled him up observing with great warmth that the person buried
in that place was no saint but as great a sinner as himself and that if he was
spiritually disposed there was a chapel of the Blessed Virgin at the distance
of three yards on the right hand to which he might retire He thought it was
incumbent upon him to manifest some extraordinary inspiration while he resided
on the spot where Rubens was born and therefore his whole behaviour was an
affectation of rapture expressed in distracted exclamations convulsive starts
and uncouth gesticulations In the midst of this frantic behaviour he saw an
old Capuchin with a white beard mount the pulpit and hold forth to the
congregation with such violence of emphasis and gesture as captivated his
fancy and bawling aloud »Zounds what an excellent Paul preaching at Athens«
he pulled a pencil and small memorandumbook from his pocket and began to take
a sketch of the orator with great eagerness and agitation saying »Egad
friend Raphael we shall see whether you or I have got the best knack at
trumping up an Apostle« This appearance of disrespect gave offence to the
audience which began to murmur against this heretic libertine when one of the
priests belonging to the choir in order to prevent any ill consequence from
their displeasure came and told him in the French language that such liberties
were not permitted in their religion and advised him to lay aside his
implements lest the people should take umbrage at his design and be provoked
to punish him as a profane scoffer at their worship
The painter seeing himself addressed by a friar who while he spoke bowed
with great complaisance imagined that he was a begging brother come to
supplicate his charity and his attention being quite ingrossed by the design he
was making he patted the priests shaven crown with his hand saying Oter
tems oter tems and then resumed his pencil with great earnestness The
ecclesiastic perceiving that the stranger did not comprehend his meaning pulled
him by the sleeve and explained himself in the Latin tongue upon which
Pallet provoked at his intrusion cursed him aloud for an impudent beggarly son
of a whore and taking out a schelling flung it upon the pavement with
manifest signs of indignation
Some of the common people enraged to see their religion contemned and
their priests insulted at the very altar rose from their seats and surrounding
the astonished painter one of the number snatched his book from his hand and
tore it into a thousand pieces Frightened as he was he could not help crying
»Fire and faggots all my favourite ideas are gone to wreck« and was in danger
of being very roughly handled by the croud had not Peregrine stepped in and
assured them that he was a poor unhappy gentleman who laboured under a
transport of the brain Those who understood the French language communicated
this information to the rest so that he escaped without any other chastisement
than that of being obliged to retire And as they could not see the famous
descent from the cross till after the service was finished they were conducted
by their domestique to the house of a painter where they found a beggar
standing for his picture and the artist actually employed in representing a
huge louse that crawled upon his shoulder Pallet was wonderfully pleased with
this circumstance which he said was altogether a new thought and an excellent
hint of which he would make his advantage and in the course of his survey of
this Flemings performances perceiving a piece in which two flies were engaged
upon the carcase of a dog half devoured he ran to his brother brush and swore
he was worthy of being a fellowcitizen of the immortal Rubens He then
lamented with many expressions of grief and resentment that he had lost his
commonplace book in which he had preserved a thousand conceptions of the same
sort formed by the accidental objects of his senses and imagination and took
an opportunity of telling his fellowtravellers that in execution he had
equalled if not excelled the two ancient painters who vied with each other in
the representation of a curtain and a bunch of grapes for he had exhibited the
image of a certain object so like to nature that the bare sight of it set a
whole hogsty in an uproar
When he had examined and applauded all the productions of this minute
artist they returned to the great church and were entertained with the view of
that celebrated masterpiece of Rubens in which he has introduced the portraits
of himself and his whole family The doors that conceal this capital performance
were no sooner unfolded than our enthusiast debarred the use of speech by a
previous covenant with his friend Pickle lifted up his hands and eyes and
putting himself in the attitude of Hamlet when his fathers ghost appears
adored in silent extasy and awe He even made a merit of necessity and when
they had withdrawn from the place protested that his whole faculties were
swallowed up in love and admiration He now professed himself more than ever
enamoured of the Flemish school raved in extravagant encomiums and proposed
that the whole company should pay homage to the memory of the divine Rubens by
repairing forthwith to the house in which he lived and prostrating themselves
on the floor of his painting room
As there was nothing remarkable in the tenement which had been rebuilt more
than once since the death of that great man Peregrine excused himself from
complying with the proposal on pretence of being fatigued with the circuit they
had already performed Jolter declined it for the same reason and the question
being put to the doctor he refused his company with an air of disdain Pallet
piqued at his contemptuous manner asked if he would not go and see the
habitation of Pindoor provided he was in the city where that poet lived And
when the physician observed that there was an infinite difference between the
men »That Ill allow replied the painter for the devil a poet ever lived in
Greece or Troy that was worthy to clean the pencils of our beloved Rubens« The
physician could not with any degree of temper and forbearance hear this
outrageous blasphemy for which he said Pallets eyes ought to be picked out
by owls and the dispute rose as usual to such scurrilities of language and
indecency of behaviour that passengers began to take notice of their animosity
and Peregrine was obliged to interpose for his own credit
Chapter LXVIII
Peregrine artfully foments a Quarrel between Pallet and the Physician who fight
a Duel on the Ramparts
The painter betook himself to the house of the Flemish Raphael and the rest of
the company went back to their lodgings where the young gentleman taking the
advantage of being alone with the physician recapitulated all the affronts he
had sustained from the painters petulance aggravating every circumstance of
the disgrace and advising him in the capacity of a friend to take care of his
honour which could not fail to suffer in the opinion of the world if he
allowed himself to be insulted with impunity by one so much his inferior in
every degree of consideration
The physician assured him that Pallet had hitherto escaped chastisement by
being deemed an object unworthy his resentment and in consideration of the
wretchs family for which his compassion was interested but that repeated
injuries would inflame the most benevolent disposition and although he could
find no precedent of duelling among the Greeks and Romans whom he considered as
the patterns of demeanour Pallet should no longer avail himself of his
veneration for the ancients but be punished for the very next offence he should
commit
Having thus spirited up the doctor to a resolution from which he could not
decently swerve our adventurer acted the incendiary with the other party also
giving him to understand that the physician treated his character with such
contempt and behaved to him with such insolence as no gentleman ought to bear
that for his own part he was every day put out of countenance by their mutual
animosity which appeared in nothing but vulgar expressions more becoming
shoeboys and oysterwomen than men of honour and education and therefore he
should be obliged contrary to his inclination to break off all correspondence
with them both if they would not fall upon some method to retrieve the dignity
of their characters
These representations would have had little effect upon the timidity of the
painter who was likewise too much of a Grecian to approve of single combat in
any other way than that of boxing an exercise in which he was well skilld had
not they been accompanied with an insinuation that his antagonist was no
Hector and that he might humble him into any concession without running the
least personal risk Animated by this assurance our second Rubens set the
trumpet of defiance to his mouth swore that he valued not his life a rush when
his honour was concerned and intreated Mr Pickle to be the bearer of a
challenge which he would instantly commit to writing
The mischievous fomentor highly applauded this manifestation of courage by
which he was at liberty to cultivate his friendship and society but declined
the office of carrying the billet that his tenderness of Pallets reputation
might not be misinterpreted into an officious desire of promoting quarrels At
the same time he recommended Tom Pipes not only as a very proper messenger on
this occasion but also as a trusty second in the field The magnanimous painter
took his advice and retiring to his chamber pennd a challenge in these terms
»Sir
When I am heartily provoked I fear not the devil himself much less
I will not call you a pedantic coxcomb nor an unmannerly fellow
because these are the hippythets of the wulgar but remember such as
you are I neyther love you nor fear you but on the contrary expect
satisfaction for your audacious behaviour to me on divers occasions
and will this evening in the twilight meet you on the ramparts with
sword and pistol where the Lord have mercy on the soul of one of us
for your body shall find no favour with your incensed defier till
death
LAYMAN PALLET«
This resolute defiance after having been submitted to the perusal and honoured
with the approbation of our youth was committed to the charge of Pipes who
according to his orders delivered it in the afternoon and brought for answer
that the physician would attend him at the appointed time and place The
challenger was evidently discomposed at the unexpected news of this acceptance
and ran about the house in great disorder in quest of Peregrine to beg his
further advice and assistance but understanding that the youth was engaged in
private with his adversary he began to suspect some collusion and cursed
himself for his folly and precipitation He even entertained some thoughts of
retracting his invitation and submitting to the triumph of his antagonist but
before he would stoop to this opprobrious condescension he resolved to try
another expedient which might be the means of saving both his character and
person In this hope he visited Mr Jolter and very gravely desired he would be
so good as to undertake the office of his second in a duel which he was to
fight that evening with the physician
The governor instead of answering his expectation in expressing fear and
concern and breaking forth into exclamations of »Good God gentlemen what
dye mean You shall not murther one another while it is in my power to prevent
your purpose I will go directly to the governor of the place who shall
interpose his authority« I say instead of these and other friendly menaces of
prevention Jolter heard the proposal with the most phlegmatic tranquillity and
excused himself from accepting the honour he intended for him on account of his
character and situation which would not permit him to be concerned in any such
rencounters Indeed this mortifying reception was owing to a previous hint from
Peregrine who dreading some sort of interruption from his governor had made
him acquainted with his design and assured him that the affair should not be
brought to any dangerous issue
Thus disappointed the dejected challenger was overwhelmed with perplexity
and dismay and in the terrors of death or mutilation resolved to deprecate the
wrath of his enemy and conform to any submission he should propose when he was
accidentally encountered by our adventurer who with demonstrations of infinite
satisfaction told him in confidence that his billet had thrown the doctor into
an agony of consternation and that his acceptance of his challenge was a meer
effort of despair calculated to confound the ferocity of the sender and
dispose him to listen to terms of accommodation that he had imparted the letter
to him with fear and trembling on pretence of engaging him as a second but in
reality with a view of obtaining his good offices in promoting a
reconciliation »but perceiving the situation of his mind added our hero I
thought it would be more for your honour to baffle his expectation and
therefore I readily undertook the task of attending him to the field in full
assurance that he will there humble himself before you even to prostration In
this security you may go and prepare your arms and bespeak the assistance of
Pipes who will squire you in the field while I keep myself up that our
correspondence may not be suspected by the physician« Pallets spirits that
were sunk to dejection rose at this encouragement to all the insolence of
triumph he again declared his contempt of danger and his pistols being loaded
and accommodated with new flints by his trusty armourbearer he waited
without flinching for the hour of battle
On the first approach of twilight somebody knocked at his door and Pipes
having opened it at his desire he heard the voice of his antagonist pronounce
»Tell Mr Pallet that I am going to the place of appointment« The painter was
not a little surprized at this anticipation which so ill agreed with the
information he had received from Pickle and his concern beginning to recur he
fortified himself with a large bumper of brandy which however did not
overcome the anxiety of his thoughts Nevertheless he set out on the expedition
with his second betwixt whom and himself the following dialogue passed in
their way to the ramparts »Mr Pipes said the painter with disordered
accent methinks the doctor was in a pestilent hurry with that message of his«
»Ey ey answered Tom I do suppose he longs to be foul of you« »What
replied the other dye think he thirsts after my blood« »To be sure a does«
said Pipes thrusting a large quid of tobacco in his cheek with great
deliberation »If that be the case cried Pallet beginning to shake he is no
better than a Cannibal and no Christian ought to fight him on equal footing«
Tom observing his emotion eyed him with a frown of indignation saying »You
ant afraid are you« »God forbid replied the challenger stammering with
fear What should I be afraid of The worst he can do is to take my life and
then hell be answerable both to God and man for the murder Dont you think he
will« »I think no such matter answered the second if so be as how he puts a
brace of bullets through your bows and kills you fairly it is no more murder
than if I was to bring down a noddy from the maintopsailyard« By this time
Pallets teeth chattered with such violence that he could scarce pronounce this
reply »Mr Thomas you seem to make very light of a mans life but I trust in
the Almighty I shall not be so easily brought down Sure many a man has fought
a duel without losing his life Do you imagine that I run such a hazard of
falling by the hand of my adversary« »You may or you may not said the
unconcerned Pipes just as it happens What then Death is a debt that every man
owes according to the song and if you set foot to foot I think one of you
must go to pot« »Foot to foot exclaimed the terrified painter thats
downright butchery and Ill be damnd before I fight any man on earth in such a
barbarous way What dye take me to be a savage beast« This declaration he
made while they ascended the ramparts and his attendant perceiving the
physician and his second at the distance of an hundred paces before them gave
him notice of their appearance and advised him to make ready and behave like a
man Pallet in vain endeavoured to conceal his pannic which discovered itself
in an universal trepidation of body and the lamentable tone in which he
answered this exhortation of Pipes saying »I do behave like a man but you
would have me act the part of a brute Are they coming this way« When Tom told
him that they had faced about and admonished him to advance the nerves of his
arm refused their office he could not hold out his pistol and instead of going
forward retreated with an insensibility of motion till Pipes placing himself
in the rear set his own back to that of his principal and swore he should not
budge an inch farther in that direction
While the valet thus tutored the painter his master enjoyed the terrors of
the physician which were more ridiculous than those of Pallet because he was
more intent upon disguising them His declaration to Pickle in the morning
would not suffer him to start any objections when he received the challenge and
finding that the young gentleman made no offer of mediating the affair but
rather congratulated him on the occasion when he communicated the painters
billet all his efforts consisted in oblique hints and general reflections upon
the absurdity of duelling which was first introduced among civilized nations
by the barbarous Huns and Longobards He likewise pretended to ridicule the use
of firearms which confounded all the distinctions of skill and address and
deprived a combatant of the opportunity of signalizing his personal prowess
Pickle assented to the justness of his observations but at the same time
represented the necessity of complying with the customs of the world
ridiculous as they were on which a mans honour and reputation depend So
that seeing no hopes of profiting by that artifice the republicans agitation
became more and more remarkable and he proposed in plain terms that they
should contend in armour like the combatants of ancient days for it was but
reasonable that they should practise the manner of fighting since they adopted
the disposition of those iron times
Nothing could have afforded more diversion to our hero than the sight of
two such duellists cased in iron and he wished that he had promoted the quarrel
in Brussels where he could have hired the armour of Charles the fifth and the
valiant duke of Parma for their accommodation but as there was no possibility
of furnishing them capapee at Antwerp he persuaded him to conform to the
modern use of the sword and meet the painter on his own terms and suspecting
that his fear would supply him with other excuses for declining the combat he
comforted him with some distant insinuations to the prejudice of his adversarys
courage which would in all probability evaporate before any mischief could
happen
Notwithstanding this encouragement he could not suppress the reluctance
with which he went to the field and cast many a wishful look over his left
shoulder to see whether or not his adversary was at his heels and when by the
advice of his second he took possession of the ground and turned about with
his face to the enemy it was not so dark but that Peregrine could perceive the
unusual paleness of his countenance and the sweat standing in large drops upon
his forehead nay there was a manifest disorder in his speech when he
regretted his want of the Pila and Parma with which he would have made a
rattling noise to astonish his foe in springing forward and singing the hymn
to battle in the manner of the ancients
In the mean time observing the hesitation of his antagonist who far from
advancing seemed to recoil and even struggle with his second he guessed the
situation of the painters thoughts and collecting all the manhood that he
possessed seized the opportunity of profiting by his enemys consternation and
striking his sword and pistol together advanced in a sort of trot raising a
loud howl in which he repeated in lieu of the Spartan song part of a strophe
from one of Pindars Pythia beginning with Ek teon gar maxanai pasai broteais
aretais etc This imitation of the Greeks had all the desired effect upon the
painter who seeing the physician running towards him like a fury with a
pistol in his right hand which was extended and hearing the dreadful yell he
uttered and the outlandish words he pronounced was seized with an universal
palsy of his limbs and would have droppd down upon the ground had not Pipes
supported and encouraged him to stand upon his defence The doctor contrary to
his expectation finding that he had not flinched from the spot though he had
now performed one half of his career put in practice his last effort by firing
his pistol the noise of which no sooner reached the ears of the affrighted
painter than he recommended his soul to God and roared for mercy with great
vociferation
The republican overjoyed at this exclamation commanded him to yield and
surrender his arms on pain of immediate death upon which he threw away his
pistols and sword in spite of all the admonitions and even threats of his
second who left him to his fate and went up to his master stopping his nose
with signs of loathing and abhorrence
The victor having won the Spolia Opima granted him his life on condition
that he would on his knees supplicate his pardon acknowledge himself inferior
to his conqueror in every virtue and qualification and promise for the future
to merit his favour by submission and respect These insolent terms were readily
embraced by the unfortunate challenger who fairly owned that he was not at all
calculated for the purposes of war and that henceforth he would contend with no
weapon but his pencil He beggd with great humility that Mr Pickle would not
think the worse of his morals for this defect of courage which was a natural
infirmity inherited from his father and suspend his opinion of his talents
until he should have an opportunity of contemplating the charms of his
Cleopatra which would be finished in less than three months
Our hero observed with an affected air of displeasure that no man could be
justly condemned for being subject to the impressions of fear and therefore his
cowardice might easily be forgiven but there was something so presumptuous
dishonest and disingenuous in arrogating a quality to which he knew he had not
the smallest pretension that he could not forget his misbehaviour all at once
though he would condescend to communicate with him as formerly in hopes of
seeing a reformation in his conduct Pallet protested that there was no
dissimulation in the case for he was ignorant of his own weakness until his
resolution was put to the trial he faithfully promised to demean himself
during the remaining part of the tour with that conscious modesty and penitence
which became a person in his condition and for the present implored the
assistance of Mr Pipes in desembarassing him from the disagreeable consequence
of his fear
Chapter LXIX
The Doctor exults in his Victory They set out for Rotterdam where they are
Entertained by two Dutch Gentlemen in a Yacht which is overturned in the Maes
to the manifest Hazard of the Painters Life They spend the Evening with their
Entertainers and next Day visit a Cabinet of Curiosities
Tom was accordingly ordered to minister to his occasions and the conqueror
elated with his success which he in a great measure attributed to his manner of
attack and the hymn which he howled told Peregrine that he was now convinced
of the truth of what Pindar sung in these words Ossa de mo pepilhke Zeys
atyzontai boan Pieridon aionta for he had no sooner begun to repeat the
mellifluent strains of that divine poet than the wretch his antagonist was
confounded and his nerves unstrung
On their return to the inn he expatiated on the prudence and tranquillity
of his own behaviour and ascribed the consternation of Pallet to the
remembrance of some crime that lay heavy upon his conscience for in his
opinion a man of virtue and common sense could not possibly be afraid of death
which is not only the peaceful harbour that receives him shattered on the
tempestuous sea of life but also the eternal seal of his fame and glory which
it is no longer in his power to forfeit and forego He lamented his fate in
being doomed to live in such degenerate days when war is become a mercenary
trade and ardently wished that the day would come when he should have such an
opportunity of signalizing his courage in the cause of liberty as that of
Marathon where an handful of Athenians fighting for their freedom defeated
the whole strength of the Persian empire »Would to heaven said he my muse
were blessed with an occasion to emulate that glorious testimony on the trophy
in Cyprus erected by Cimon for two great victories gained on the same day over
the Persians by sea and land in which it is very remarkable that the greatness
of the occasion has raised the manner of expression above the usual simplicity
and modesty of all other ancient inscriptions« He then repeated it with all the
pomp of declamation and signified his hope that the French would one day
invade us with such an army as that which Xerxes led into Greece that it might
be in his power to devote himself like Leonidas to the freedom of his country
This memorable combat being thus determined and every thing that was
remarkable in Antwerp surveyed they sent their baggage down the Scheld to
Rotterdam and set out for the same place in a postwaggon which that same
evening brought them in safety to the banks of the Maeze They put up at an
English house of entertainment remarkable for the modesty and moderation of the
landlord and next morning the doctor went in person to deliver letters of
recommendation to two Dutch gentlemen from one of his acquaintance at Paris
Neither of them happened to be at home when he called so that he left a message
at their lodgings with his address and in the afternoon they waited upon the
company and after many hospitable professions one of the two invited them to
spend the evening at his house
Mean while they had provided a pleasureyacht in which they proposed to
treat them with an excursion upon the Maeze This being almost the only
diversion that place affords our young gentleman relished the proposal and
notwithstanding the remonstrances of Mr Jolter who declined the voyage on
account of the roughness of the weather they went on board without hesitation
and found a collation prepared in the cabin While they tacked to and fro in the
river under the impulse of a mackerel breeze the physician expressed his
satisfaction and Pallet was ravished with the entertainment But the wind
increasing to the unspeakable joy of the Dutchmen who had now an opportunity
of shewing their dexterity in the management of the vessel the guests found it
inconvenient to stand upon deck and impossible to sit below on account of the
clouds of tobaccosmoke which rolled from the pipes of their entertainers in
such volumes as annoyed them even to the hazard of suffocation This fumigation
together with the extraordinary motion of the ship began to affect the head and
stomach of the painter who beggd earnestly to be set on shore but the Dutch
gentlemen who had no idea of his sufferings to which they had always been
utter strangers insisted with surprising obstinacy of regard upon his staying
until he should see an instance of the skill of their mariners and bringing him
on deck commanded the men to carry the vessels leegunwale under water This
nicety of navigation they instantly performed to the admiration of Pickle the
discomposure of the doctor and terror of Pallet who blessed himself from the
courtesy of a Dutchman and prayed to heaven for his deliverance
While the Hollanders enjoyed the reputation of this feat and the distress
of the painter at the same time the yacht was overtaken by a sudden squall
that overset her in a moment and flung every man overboard into the Maeze
before they could have the least warning of their fate much less time to
provide against the accident Peregrine who was an expert swimmer reached the
shore in safety he physician in the agonies of despair laid fast hold on the
trunkbreeches of one of the men who dragged him to the other side the
entertainers landed at the bombkeys smoking their pipes all the way with great
deliberation and the poor painter must have gone to the bottom had not he been
encountered by the cable of a ship that lay at anchor near the scene of their
disaster Though his senses had forsaken him his hands fastened by instinct on
this providential occurrence which he held with such a convulsive grasp that
when a boat was sent out to bring him on shore it was with the utmost
difficulty that his fingers were disengaged He was carried into a house
deprived of the use of speech and bereft of all sensation and being suspended
by the heels a vast quantity of water ran out of his mouth This evacuation
being made he began to utter dreadful groans which gradually increased to a
continued roar and after he had regained the use of his senses underwent a
delirium that lasted several hours As for the treaters they never dreamed of
expressing the least concern to Pickle or the physician for what had happened
because it was an accident so common as to pass without notice but they were
very much surprized to find upon inquiry that Pallet could not swim it being
as natural for a Dutchman as a dealboard to float upon the surface
Leaving the care of the vessel to the seamen the company retired to their
respective lodgings in order to shift their cloaths and in the evening our
travellers were conducted to the house of their new friend who with a view of
making his invitation the more agreeable had assembled to the number of twenty
or thirty Englishmen of all ranks and degrees from the merchant to the
periwigmakers prentice
In the midst of this congregation stood a chafingdish with livecoals for
the convenience of lighting their pipes and every individual was accommodated
with a spittingbox There was not a mouth in the apartment unfurnished with a
tube so that they resembled a convocation of Chimeras breathing fire and smoke
and our gentlemen were fain to imitate their example in their own defence It is
not to be supposed that the conversation was either very sprightly or polite
the whole entertainment was of the Dutch cast that is frowzy and phlegmatic
and our adventurer as he returned to his lodging tortured with the headache
and disgusted with every circumstance of his treatment cursed the hour in which
the doctor had saddled them with such troublesome companions
Next morning by eight oclock these polite Hollanders returned the visit
and after breakfast attended their English friends to the house of a person
that possessed a very curious cabinet of curiosities to which they had secured
our companys admission The owner of this collection was a cheesemonger who
received them in a woollen nightcap with straps buttoned under his chin As he
understood no language but his own he told them by the canal of one of their
conductors that he did not make a practice of shewing his curiosities but
understanding that they were Englishmen and recommended to his friends he was
content to submit them to their perusal So saying he led them up a dark stair
into a small room decorated with a few paltry figures in plaister of Paris two
or three miserable landschapes the skins of an otter seal and some fishes
stuffed and in one corner stood a glasscase furnished with newts frogs
lizzards and serpents preserved in spirits a human foetus a calf with two
heads and about two dozen of butterflies pinned upon paper
The virtuoso having exhibited these particulars eyed the strangers with a
look solliciting admiration and applause and as he could not perceive any
symptom of either in their gestures or countenances withdrew a curtain and
displayed a wainscot chest of drawers in which he gave them to understand was
something that would agreeably amuse the imagination Our travellers regaled
with this notice imagined that they would be entertained with the sight of some
curious medals or other productions of antiquity but how were they
disappointed when they saw nothing but a variety of shells disposed in
whimsical figures in each drawer After he had detained them full two hours
with a tedious commentary upon the shape size and colour of each department
he with a supercilious simper desired that the English gentlemen would frankly
and candidly declare whether his cabinet or that of mynheer Sloane at London
was the most valuable When this request was signified in English to the
company the painter instantly exclaimed »By the Lard they are not to be named
of a day And as for that matter I would not give one corner of Salteros
coffeehouse at Chelsea for all the trash he hath shewn« Peregrine unwilling
to mortify any person who had done his endeavour to please him observed that
what they had seen was very curious and entertaining but that no private
collection in Europe was equal to that of Sir Hans Sloane which exclusive of
presents had cost an hundred thousand pounds The two conductors were
confounded at this asseveration which being communicated to the cheesemonger
he shook his head with a significant grin and tho he did not choose to express
his incredulity in words gave our hero to understand that he did not much
depend upon his veracity
From the house of this Dutch naturalist they were dragged all round the
city by the painful civility of their attendants who did not quit them till
the evening was well advanced and then not till after they had promised to be
with them before ten oclock next day in order to conduct them to a
countryhouse situated in a pleasant village on the other side of the river
Pickle was already so much fatigued with their hospitality that for the
first time of his life he suffered a dejection of spirits and resolved at any
rate to avoid the threatened persecution of tomorrow with this view he
ordered his servants to pack up some cloaths and linnen in a portmanteau and in
the morning embarked with his governor in the Treckskuyt for the Hague
whither he pretended to be called by some urgent occasion leaving his
fellowtravellers to make his apology to their friends and assuring them that
he would not proceed for Amsterdam without their society He arrived at the
Hague in the forenoon and dined at an ordinary frequented by officers and
people of fashion where being informed that the princess would see company in
the evening he dressed himself in a rich suit of the Parisian cut and went to
court without any introduction A person of his appearance could not fail to
attract the notice of such a small circle The prince himself understanding he
was an Englishman and a stranger went up to him without ceremony and having
welcomed him to the place conversed with him for some minutes on the common
topics of discourse
Chapter LXX
They proceed to the Hague from whence they depart for Amsterdam where they see
a Dutch Tragedy Visit a Musickhouse in which Peregrine quarrels with the
Captain of a Man of War They pass through Haarlem in their Way to Leyden
Return to Rotterdam where the Company separates and our Hero with his
Attendants arrives in Safety at Harwich
Being joined by their fellowtravellers in the morning they made a tour to all
the remarkable places in this celebrated village saw the Foundery the
Stadthouse the Spinhuys Vauxhall and Count Bentincks gardens and in the
evening went to the French comedy which was directed by a noted Harlequin who
had found means to flatter the Dutch taste so effectually that they extolled
him as the greatest actor that ever appeared in the province of Holland This
famous company did not represent regular theatrical pieces but only a sort of
impromptus in which this noted player always performed the greatest part of the
entertainment Among other sallies of wit that escaped him there was one
circumstance so remarkably adapted to the disposition and genius of his
audience that it were pity to pass it over in silence A windmill being
exhibited on the scene Harlequin after having surveyed it with curiosity and
admiration asks of one of the millers the use of that machine and being told
that it was a windmill observes with some concern that as there was not the
least breath of wind he could not have the pleasure of seeing it turn round
Urged by this consideration he puts himself into the attitude of a person wrapt
in profound meditation and having continued a few seconds in this posture runs
to the miller with great eagerness and joy and telling him that he had found
an expedient to make his mill work very fairly unbuttons his breeches and
presenting his posteriors to the sails of the machine certain explosions are
immediately heard and the arms of the mill begin to turn round to the infinite
satisfaction of the spectators who approve the joke with loud peals of
applause
Our travellers stayed a few days at the Hague during which the young
gentleman waited on the British embassador to whom he was recommended by his
Excellency at Paris and lost about thirty guineas at billiards to a French
adventurer who decoyed him into the snare by keeping up his game then they
departed in a postwaggon for Amsterdam being provided with letters of
introduction to an English merchant residing in that city under whose auspices
they visited every thing worth seeing and among other excursions went to see a
Dutch tragedy acted an entertainment which of all others had the strangest
effect upon the organs of our hero the dress of their chief personages was so
antick their manner so aukwardly absurd and their language so ridiculously
unfit for conveying the sentiments of love and honour that Peregrines nerves
were diuretically affected with the complicated absurdity and he was compelled
to withdraw twenty times before the catastrophe of the piece
The subject of this performance was the famous story of Scipios continence
and virtue in restoring the fair captive to her lover The young Roman hero was
represented by a broadfacd Batavian in a burgomasters gown and a furcap
sitting smoaking his pipe at a table furnished with a can of beer a
drinkingglass and a plate of tobacco the lady was such a person as Scipio
might very well be supposed to give away without any great effort of
generosity and indeed the Celtiberian prince seemed to be of that opinion for
upon receiving her from the hand of the victor he discovered none of those
transports of gratitude and joy which Livy describes in recounting this event
The Dutch Scipio however was complaisant enough in his way for he desired her
to sit at his right hand by the appellation of Ya frow and with his own
fingers filling a clean pipe presented it to Mynheer Allucio the lover The
rest of the oeconomy of the piece was in the same taste which was so agreeable
to the audience that they seemed to have shaken off their natural phlegm in
order to applaud the performance
From the play our company adjourned to the house of their friend where they
spent the evening and the conversation turning upon poetry a Dutchman who was
present and understood the English language having listened very attentively
to the discourse lifted up with both hands the greatest part of a Cheshire
cheese that lay upon the table saying »I do know vat is boetrie Mine brotre
be a great boet and ave vrought a book as dick as all dat« Pickle diverted
with this method of estimating an author according to the quantity of his works
inquired about the subjects of this bards writings but of these his brother
could give no account or other information but that there was little market
for the commodity which hung heavy upon his hands and induced him to wish he
had applied himself to another trade
The only remarkable scene in Amsterdam which our company had not seen was
the Spuyl or musickhouses which by the connivance of the magistrates are
maintained for the recreation of those who might attempt the chastity of
creditable women if they were not provided with such conveniences To one of
these nighthouses did our travellers repair under the conduct of the English
merchant and were introduced into such another place as the evermemorable
coffeehouse of Moll King with this difference that the company here were not
so riotous as the Bucks of CoventGarden but formed themselves into a circle
within which some of the number danced to the musick of a scurvy organ and a few
other instruments that uttered tunes very suitable to the disposition of the
hearers while the whole apartment was shrouded with clouds of smoke impervious
to the view When our gentlemen entered the floor was occupied by two females
and their gallants who in the performance of their exercise lifted their legs
like so many oxen at plough and the pipe of one of these hoppers happening to
be exhausted in the midst of his sarabrand he very deliberately drew forth his
tobaccobox filling and lighting it again without any interruption to the
dance Peregrine being unchecked by the presence of his governor who was too
tender of his own reputation to attend them in this expedition made up to a
sprightly French girl that sat in seeming expectation of a customer and
prevailing upon her to be his partner led her into the circle and in his
turn took the opportunity of dancing a minuet to the admiration of all
present He intended to have exhibited another specimen of his ability in this
art when a captain of a Dutch man of war chancing to come in and see a
stranger engaged with the lady whom it seems he had bespoke for his bedfellow
he advanced without any ceremony and seizing her by the arm pulld her to the
other side of the room Our adventurer who was not a man to put up with such a
brutal affront followed the ravisher with indignation in his eyes and pushing
him on one side retook the subject of their contest and led her back to the
place from whence she had been dragged The Dutchman enraged at the youths
presumption obeyed the first dictates of his choler and lent his rival an
hearty box on the ear which was immediately repaid with interest before our
hero could recollect himself sufficiently to lay his hand upon his sword and
beckon the aggressor to the door
Notwithstanding the confusion and disorder which this affair produced in the
room and the endeavours of Pickles company who interposed in order to
prevent bloodshed the antagonists gained the street and Peregrine drawing was
surprised to see the captain advance against him with a long knife which he
preferred to the sword that hung by his side The youth confounded at this
preposterous behaviour desired him in the French tongue to lay aside that
vulgar implement and approach like a gentleman but the Hollander who neither
understood the proposal nor would have complied with his demand had he been
made acquainted with his meaning rushed forward like a desperado before his
adversary could put himself on his guard and if the young gentleman had not
been endued with surprising agility his nose would have fallen a sacrifice to
the fury of the assailant Finding himself in such imminent jeopardy he jumped
to one side and the Dutchman passing him in the force of his career he with
one nimble kick made such application to his enemys heels that he flew like
lightening into the canal where he had almost perished by pitching upon one of
the posts with which it was faced
Peregrine having performed this exploit did not stay for the captains
coming on shore but retreated with all dispatch by the advice of his
conductor and next day embarked with his companions in the Skuyt for
Haarlem where they dined and in the evening arrived at the antient city of
Leyden where they met with some English students who treated them with great
hospitality Not but that the harmony of the conversation was that same night
interrupted by a dispute that arose between one of those young gentlemen and the
physician about the cold and hot methods of prescription in the gout and
rheumatism and proceeded to such a degree of mutual reviling that Pickle
ashamed and incensed at his fellowtravellers want of urbanity espoused the
others cause and openly rebuked him for his unmannerly petulance which he
said rendered him unfit for the purposes and unworthy of the benefit of
society This unexpected declaration overwhelmed the doctor with amazement and
confusion he was instantaneously deprived of his speech and during the
remaining part of the partie sat in silent mortification In all probability he
deliberated with himself whether or not he should expostulate with the young
gentleman on the freedom he had taken with his character in a company of
strangers but as he knew that he had not a Pallet to deal with he very
prudently suppressed that suggestion and in secret chewed the cud of
resentment
After they had visited the physic garden the university the anatomical
hall and every other thing that was recommended to their view they returned to
Rotterdam and held a consultation upon the method of transporting themselves to
England The doctor whose grudge against Peregrine was rather inflamed than
allayed by our heros indifference and neglect had tampered with the simplicity
of the painter who was proud of his advances towards a perfect reconciliation
and now took the opportunity of parting with our adventurer by declaring that
he and his friend Mr Pallet were resolved to take their passage in a trading
sloop after he had heard Peregrine object against that tedious disagreeable
and uncertain method of conveyance Pickle immediately saw his intention and
without using the least argument to dissuade them from their design or
expressing the smallest degree of concern at their separation very coolly
wished them a prosperous voyage and ordered his baggage to be sent to
Helvoetsluys where he himself and his retinue went on board of the pacquet
next day and by the favour of a fair wind in eighteen hours arrived at
Harwich
Chapter LXXI
Peregrine delivers his Letters of Recommendation at London and returns to the
Garison to the unspeakable Joy of the Commodore and his whole Family
Now that our hero found himself on English ground his heart dilated with the
proud recollection of his own improvement since he left his native soil he
began to recognize the interesting ideas of his tender years he enjoyed by
anticipation the pleasure of seeing his friends in the garison after an
absence of eighteen months and the image of his charming Emily which other
less worthy considerations had depressed resumed the full possession of his
breast He remembred with shame that he had neglected the correspondence with
her brother which he himself had sollicited and in consequence of which he had
received a letter from that young gentleman while he lived at Paris In spite of
these conscientious reflections he was too selfsufficient to think he should
find any difficulty in obtaining forgiveness for these sins of omission and
began to imagine that his passion would be prejudicial to the dignity of his
situation if it could not be gratified upon terms which formerly his
imagination durst not conceive
Sorry am I that the task I have undertaken lays me under the necessity of
divulging this degeneracy in the sentiments of our imperious youth who was now
in the heyday of his blood flushed with the consciousness of his own
qualifications vain of his fortune and elated on the wings of imaginary
expectation Tho he was deeply enamoured of miss Gauntlet he was far from
proposing her heart as the ultimate aim of his gallantry which he did not
doubt would triumph oer the most illustrious females of the land and at once
regale his appetite and ambition
Mean while being willing to make his appearance at the garison equally
surprising and agreeable he cautioned Mr Jolter against writing to the
commodore who had not heard of them since their departure from Paris and hired
a postchaise and horses for London The governor going out to give orders about
the carriage inadvertently left a paper book open upon the table and his pupil
casting his eyes upon the page chanced to read these words »Sept 15 Arrived
in safety by the blessing of God in this unhappy kingdom of England And thus
concludes the journal of my last peregrination« Peregrines curiosity being
inflamed by this extraordinary conclusion he turned to the beginning and
perused several sheets of a diary such as is commonly kept by that class of
people known by the denomination of travelling governors for the satisfaction
of themselves and the parents or guardians of their pupils and for the
edification and entertainment of their friends
That the reader may have a clear idea of Mr Jolters performance we shall
transcribe the transactions of one day as he had recorded them and that
abstract will be a sufficient specimen of the whole plan and execution of the
work
»May 3 At eight oclock set out from Boulogne in a postchaise the morning
hazy and cold Fortified my stomach with a cordial Recommended ditto to Mr P
as an antidote against the fog Mem He refused it The hither horse greased in
the offpastern of the hindleg Arrive at Samers Mem This last was a post and
a half ie three leagues or nine English miles The day clears up A fine
champain country well stored with corn The postilion says his prayers in
passing by a wooden crucifix upon the road Mem The horses staled in a small
brook that runs in a bottom betwixt two hills Arrive at Cormont A common
post A dispute with my pupil who is obstinate and swayed by an unlucky
prejudice Proceed to Montreuil where we dine on choice pigeons A very
moderate charge No chamberpot in the room owing to the negligence of the maid
This an ordinary post Set out again for Nampont Troubled with flatulencies and
indigestion Mr P is sullen and seems to mistake an eructation for the
breaking of wind backwards From Nampont depart for Bernay at which place we
arrive in the evening and propose to stay all night NB The two last are
double posts and our cattle very willing tho not strong Sup on a delicate
ragout and excellent partridges in company with Mr H and his spouse Mem The
said H trod upon my corn by mistake Discharge the bill which is not very
reasonable Dispute with Mr P about giving money to the servant he insists
upon my giving a twentyfour sol piece which is too much by two thirds in all
conscience NB She was a pert baggage and did not deserve a liard«
Our hero was so much disobliged with certain circumstances of this amusing
and instructing journal that by way of punishing the author he interlined
these words betwixt two paragraphs in a manner that exactly resembled the
tutors handwriting »Mem Had the pleasure of drinking myself into a sweet
intoxication by toasting our lawful king and his royal family among some
worthy English fathers of the society of Jesus«
Having taken this revenge he set out for London where he waited upon those
noblemen to whom he had letters of recommendation from Paris and was not only
graciously received but even loaded with caresses and proffers of service
because they understood he was a young gentleman of fortune who far from
standing in need of their countenance or assistance would make an useful and
creditable addition to the number of their adherents He had the honour of
dining at their tables in consequence of pressing invitations and of spending
several evenings with the ladies to whom he was particularly agreeable on
account of his person address and bleeding freely at play
Being thus initiated in the beau monde he thought it was high time to pay
his respects to his generous benefactor the commodore and accordingly departed
one morning with his train for the garison at which he arrived in safety the
same night When he entered the gate which was opened by a new servant that did
not know him he found his old friend Hatchway stalking in the yard with a
nightcap on his head and a pipe in his mouth and advancing to him took him
by the hand before he had any intimation of his approach The lieutenant thus
saluted by a stranger stared at him in silent astonishment till he recollected
his features which were no sooner known than dashing the pipe upon the
pavement he exclaimed »Smite my crosstrees thart welcome to port« and
huggd him in his arms with great affection He then by a cordial squeeze
expressed his satisfaction at seeing his old shipmate Tom who applying his
whistle to his mouth the whole castle ecchoed with his performance
The servants hearing the wellknown sound poured out in a tumult of joy
and understanding that their young master was returned raised such a peal of
acclamation as astonished the commodore and his lady and inspired Julia with
such an interesting presage that her heart began to throb with violence and
running out in the hurry and perturbation of her hope she was so much
overwhelmed at sight of her brother that she actually fainted in his arms But
from this trance she soon awaked and Peregrine having testified his pleasure
and affection went up stairs and presented himself before his godfather and
aunt Mrs Trunnion rose and received him with a gracious embrace blessing God
for his happy return from a land of impiety and vice in which she hoped his
morals had not been corrupted nor his principles of religion altered or
impaired The old gentleman being confined to his chair was struck dumb with
pleasure at his appearance and having made divers ineffectual efforts to get
up at length discharged a volley of curses against his own limbs and held out
his hand to his godson who kissd it with great respect
After he had finished his apostrophe to the gout which was the daily and
hourly subject of his execrations »Well my lad said he I care not how soon
I go to bottom now I behold thee safe in harbour again and yet I tell a
damnd lie I would I could keep afloat until I should see a lusty boy of thy
begetting Odds my timbers I love thee so well that I believe thou art the
spawn of my own body though I can give no account of thy being put upon the
stocks« Then turning his eye upon Pipes who by this time had penetrated into
his apartment and addressed him with the usual salutation of »What cheer«
»Ahey cried he are you there you herringfacd son of a seacalf What a
slippery trick you played your old commander But come you dog theres my
fist I forgive you for the love you bear to my godson Go man your tackle and
hoist a cask of strong beer into the yard knock out the bung and put a pump in
it for the use of all my servants and neighbours and dye hear let the
patereroes be fired and the garison illuminated as rejoicings for the safe
arrival of your master By the Lord if I had the use of these damnd shambling
shanks I would dance an hornpipe with the best of you«
The next object of his attention was Mr Jolter who was honoured with
particular marks of distinction and the repeated promise of enjoying the living
in his gift as an acknowledgment of the care and discretion with which he had
superintended the education and morals of our hero The governor was so affected
by the generosity of his patron that the tears ran down his cheeks while he
expressed his gratitude and the infinite satisfaction he felt in contemplating
the accomplishments of his pupil
Mean while Pipes did not neglect the orders he had received the beer was
produced the gates were thrown open for the admission of all comers the whole
house was lighted up and the patereroes discharged in repeated vollies Such
phænomena could not fail to attract the notice of the neighbourhood The club at
Tunleys were astonished at the report of the guns which produced various
conjectures among the members of that sagacious society The landlord observed
that in all likelihood the commodore was visited by hobgoblins and ordered the
guns to be fired in token of distress as he had acted twenty years before when
he was annoyed by the same grievance The exciseman with a waggish sneer
expressed his apprehension of Trunnions death in consequence of which the
patereroes might be discharged with an equivocal intent either as signals of
his ladys sorrow or rejoicing The attorney signified a suspicion of Hatchways
being married to Miss Pickle and that the firing and illumination were in
honour of the nuptials upon which Gamaliel discovered some faint signs of
emotion and taking the pipe from his mouth gave it as his opinion that his
sister was brought to bed
While they were thus bewildered in the maze of their own imaginations a
company of countrymen who sat drinking in the kitchen and whose legs were more
ready than their invention sallied out to know the meaning of these
exhibitions and understanding that there was a butt of strong beer abroach in
the yard to which they were invited by the servants saved themselves the
trouble and expence of returning to spend the evening at the public house and
listed themselves under the banner of Tom Pipes who presided as director of
this festival
The news of Peregrines return being communicated to the parish the parson
and three or four neighbouring gentlemen who were wellwishers to our hero
immediately repaired to the garison in order to pay their compliments on this
happy event and being detained to supper an elegant entertainment was prepared
by the direction of Miss July who was an excellent housewife and the commodore
was so invigorated with joy that he seemed to have renewed his age
Among those who honoured the occasion with his presence was Mr Clover the
young gentleman that made his addresses to Peregrines sister and his heart was
so big with his passion that while the rest of the company were ingrossed by
their cups he seized an opportunity of our heros being detached from the
conversation and in the impatience of his love conjured him to consent to his
happiness protesting that he would comply with any terms of settlement that a
man of his fortune could embrace in favour of a young lady who was absolute
mistress of his affection
Our youth thanked him very politely for his favourable sentiments and
honourable intention towards his sister and told him that at present he saw no
reason to obstruct his desire that he would consult Julias own inclinations
and confer with him about the means of gratifying his wish but in the mean
time beggd to be excused from discussing any point of such importance to them
both and reminding him of the jovial purpose on which they were happily met
promoted such a quick circulation of the bottle that their mirth grew noisy and
obstreperous they broke forth into repeated peals of laughter without any
previous incitement except that of claret These explosions were succeeded by
Bacchanalian songs in which the old gentleman himself attempted to bear a
share the sedate governor snapped time with his fingers and the parishpriest
assisted in the chorus with a most expressive nakedness of countenance Before
midnight they were almost all pinned to their chairs as if they had been fixed
by the power of inchantment and what rendered the confinement still more
unfortunate every servant in the house was in the same situation so that they
were fain to take their repose as they sat and nodded to each other like a
congregation of anabaptists
Next day Peregrine communed with his sister on the subject of her match
with Mr Clover who she told him had offered to settle a jointure of four
hundred pounds and take her to wife without any expectation of a dowry She
moreover gave him to understand that in his absence she had received several
messages from her mother commanding her to return to her fathers house but
that she had refused to obey these orders by the advice and injunction of her
aunt and the commodore which were indeed seconded by her own inclination
because she had all the reason in the world to believe that her mother only
wanted an opportunity of treating her with severity and rancour for the
resentment of that lady had been carried to such indecent lengths that seeing
her daughter at church one day she rose up before the parson entered and
reviled her with great bitterness in the face of the whole congregation
Chapter LXXII
Sees his Sister happily married Visits Emilia who receives him according to
his Deserts
Her brother being of opinion that Mr Clovers proposal was not to be
neglected especially as Julias heart was engaged in his favour communicated
the affair to his uncle who with the approbation of Mrs Trunnion declared
himself well satisfied with the young mans addresses and desired that they
might be buckled with all expedition without the knowledge or concurrence of
her parents to whom on account of their unnatural barbarity she was not bound
to pay the least regard Though our adventurer entertained the same sentiments
of the matter and the lover dreading some obstruction earnestly beggd the
immediate condescension of his mistress she could not be prevailed upon to take
such a material step without having first solicited the permission of her
father resolved nevertheless to comply with the dictates of her own heart
should his objections be frivolous or unjust
Urged by this determination her admirer waited upon Mr Gamaliel at the
public house and with the appearance of great deference and respect made him
acquainted with his affection for his daughter communicated the particulars of
his fortune with the terms of settlement he was ready to make and in
conclusion told him that he would marry her without a portion This last offer
seemed to have some weight with the father who received it with civility and
promised in a day or two to favour him with a final answer to his demand He
accordingly that same evening consulted his wife who being exasperated at the
prospect of her daughters independency argued with the most virulent
expostulation against the match as an impudent scheme of her own planning with
a view of insulting her parents towards whom she had already been guilty of the
most vicious disobedience In short she used such remonstrances as not only
averted this weak husbands inclination from the proposal which he had relished
before but even instigated him to apply for a warrant to apprehend his
daughter on the supposition that she was about to bestow herself in marriage
without his privity or consent
The justice of peace to whom this application was made though he could not
refuse the order yet being no stranger to the malevolence of the mother
which together with Gamaliels simplicity was notorious in the county he sent
an intimation of what had happened to the garison upon which a couple of
centinels were placed on the gate and at the pressing solicitation of the
lover as well as the desire of the commodore her brother and aunt Julia was
wedded without further delay the ceremony being performed by Mr Jolter
because the parishpriest prudently declined any occasion of giving offence and
the curate was too much in the interest of their enemies to be employed in that
office
This domestic concern being settled to the satisfaction of our hero he
escorted her next day to the house of her husband who immediately wrote a
letter to her father declaring his reasons for having thus superseded his
authority and Mrs Pickles mortification was unspeakable
That the newmarried couple might be guarded against all insult our young
gentleman and his friend Hatchway with their adherents lodged in Mr Clovers
house for some weeks during which they visited their acquaintance in the
neighbourhood according to custom and when the tranquillity of their family
was perfectly established and the contract of marriage executed in the presence
of the old commodore and his lady who gave her niece five hundred pounds to
purchase jewels and cloaths Mr Peregrine could no longer restrain his
impatience to see his dear Emily and told his uncle that next day he proposed
to ride across the country in order to visit his friend Gauntlet from whom he
had not heard for a long time
The old gentleman looking stedfastly in his face »Ah damn your cunning
said he I find the anchor holds fast I did suppose as how you would have
slipt your cable and changed your birth but I see when a young fellow is
once brought up by a pretty wench he may man his capstans and violblock if he
wool but hell as soon heave up the Pike of Teneriff as bring his anchor
aweigh Odds heartlikins had I known the young woman was Ned Gauntlets
daughter I shoudnt have thrown out signal for leaving off chace«
Our adventurer was not a little surprized to hear the commodore talk in this
stile and immediately conjectured that his friend Godfrey had informed him of
the whole affair Instead of listening to this approbation of his flame with
those transports of joy which he would have felt had he retained his former
sentiments he was chagrined at Trunnions declaration and offended at the
presumption of the young soldier in pretending to disclose the secret with
which he had intrusted him Reddening with these reflections he assured the
commodore that he never had serious thoughts of matrimony so that if any
person had told him he was under any engagement of that kind he had abused his
ear for he protested that he would never contract such attachments without
his knowledge and express permission
Trunnion commended him for his prudent resolution and observed that though
no person mentioned to him what promises had passed betwixt him and his
sweetheart it was very plain that he had made love to her and therefore it
was to be supposed that his intentions were honourable for he could not
believe he was such a rogue in his heart as to endeavour to debauch the
daughter of a brave officer who had served his country with credit and
reputation Notwithstanding this remonstrance which Pickle imputed to the
commodores ignorance of the world he set out for the habitation of Mrs
Gauntlet with the unjustifiable sentiments of a man of pleasure who sacrifices
every consideration to the desire of his ruling appetite and as Winchester lay
in his way resolved to visit some of his friends who lived in that place It
was in the house of one of these that he was informed of Emilias being then in
town with her mother upon which he excused himself from staying to drink tea
and immediately repaired to their lodgings according to the direction he had
received
When he arrived at the door instead of undergoing that perturbation of
spirits which a lover in his interesting situation might be supposed to feel
he suffered no emotion but that of vanity and pride favoured with an
opportunity of selfgratification and entered his Emilias apartment with the
air of a conceited petit maitre rather than that of the respectful admirer
when he visits the object of his passion after an absence of seventeen months
The young lady having been very much disobliged at his mortifying neglect of
her brothers letter had summoned all her own pride and resolution to her aid
and by means of a happy disposition so far overcame her chagrin at his
indifference that she was able to behave in his presence with apparent
tranquillity and ease She was even pleased to find he had by accident chosen a
time for his visit when she was surrounded by two or three young gentlemen who
professed themselves her admirers Our gallant was no sooner anounced than she
collected all her coquettry put on the gayest air she could assume and
contrived to giggle just as he appeared at the roomdoor The compliments of
salutation being performed she welcomed him to England in a careless manner
asked the news of Paris and before he could make any reply desired one of the
other gentlemen to proceed with the sequel of that comical adventure in the
relation of which he had been interrupted
Peregrine smiled within himself at this behaviour which without all doubt
he believed she had affected to punish him for his unkind silence while he was
abroad being fully persuaded that her heart was absolutely at his devotion On
this supposition he practised his Parisian improvements on the art of
conversation and uttered a thousand prettinesses in the way of compliment with
such incredible rotation of tongue that his rivals were struck dumb with
astonishment and Emilia fretted out of all temper at seeing herself deprived
of the prerogative of the sex He persisted however in this surprising
loquacity until the rest of the company thought proper to withdraw and then
contracted his discourse into the focus of love which now put on a very
different appearance from that which it had formerly worn Instead of that awful
veneration which her presence used to inspire that chastity of sentiment and
delicacy of expression he now gazed upon her with the eyes of a libertine he
glowed with the impatience of desire talked in a strain that barely kept within
the bounds of decency and attempted to snatch such favours as she in the
tenderness of mutual acknowledgement had once vouchsafed to bestow
Grieved and offended as she was at this palpable alteration in his
carriage she disdained to remind him of his former deportment and with
dissembled good humour rallied him on the progress he had made in gallantry and
address but far from submitting to the liberties he would have taken she kept
her person sacred from his touch and would not even suffer him to ravish a kiss
of her fair hand so that he reaped no other advantage from the exercise of his
talents during this interview which lasted a whole hour than that of knowing
he had overrated his own importance and that Emilys heart was not a garison
likely to surrender at discretion
At length his addresses were interrupted by the arrival of the mother who
had gone abroad to visit by herself and the conversation becoming more general
he understood that Godfrey was at London soliciting for a lieutenancy that had
fallen vacant in the regiment to which he belonged and that Miss Sophy was at
home with her father
Though our adventurer had not met with all the success he expected in his
first visit he did not despair of reducing the fortress believing that in time
there would be a mutiny in his favour and accordingly carried on the siege for
several days without profiting by his perseverance till at length having
attended the ladies to their own house in the country he began to look upon
this adventure as time mispent and resolved to discontinue his attack in hopes
of meeting with a more favourable occasion being in the mean time ambitious
of displaying in an higher sphere those qualifications which his vanity told
him were at present misapplied
Chapter LXXIII
He attends his Uncle with great Affection during a Fit of Illness Sets out
again for London meets with his Friend Godfrey who is prevailed upon to
accompany him to Bath on the Road to which Place they chance to dine with a
Person who entertains them with a curious Account of a certain Company of
Adventurers
Thus determined he took leave of Emilia and her mother on pretence of going to
London upon some urgent business and returned to the garison leaving the good
old lady very much concerned and the daughter incensed at his behaviour which
was the more unexpected because Godfrey had told them that the commodore
approved of his nephews passion
Our adventurer found his uncle so ill of the gout which for the first
time had taken possession of his stomach that his life was in imminent danger
and the whole family in disorder he therefore took the reins of government in
his own hands sent for all the physicians in the neighbourhood and attended
him in person with the most affectionate care during the whole fit which
lasted a fortnight and then retired before the strength of his constitution
When the old gentleman recovered his health he was so penetrated with
Peregrines behaviour that he actually would have made over to him his whole
fortune and depended upon him for his own subsistence had not our youth
opposed the execution of the deed with all his influence and might and even
persuaded him to make a will in which his friend Hatchway and all his other
adherents were liberally remembered and his aunt provided for on her own
terms This material point being settled he with his uncles permission
departed for London after having seen the familyaffairs established under the
direction and administration of Mr Jolter and the lieutenant for by this
time Mrs Trunnion was wholly occupied with her spiritual concerns
On his first arrival at London he sent a card to the lodgings of Gauntlet
in consequence of a direction from his mother and that young gentleman waited
on him next morning though not with that alacrity of countenance and warmth of
friendship which might have been expected from the intimacy of their former
connexion Nor was Peregrine himself actuated by the same unreserved affection
for the soldier which he had formerly entertained Godfrey over and above the
offence he had taken at Pickles omission in point of corresponding with him
had been informed by a letter from his mother of the youths cavalier
behaviour to Emilia during his last residence at Winchester and our young
gentleman as we have already observed was disgusted at the supposed discovery
which the soldier had made in his absence to the commodore They perceived
their mutual umbrage at meeting and received each other with that civility of
reserve which commonly happens between two persons when their friendship is in
the wane
Gauntlet at once divined the cause of the others displeasure and in order
to vindicate his own character after the first compliments were passed took
the opportunity of inquiring after the health of the commodore to tell
Peregrine that while he tarried at the garison in his return from Dover the
subject of the conversation one night happening to turn on our heros passion
the old gentleman had expressed his concern about that affair and among other
observations said he supposed the object of his love was some paultry hussy
whom he had picked up when he was a boy at school Upon which Mr Hatchway
assured him that she was a young woman of as good a family as any in the
county and after having prepossessed him in her favour ventured out of the
zeal of his friendship to tell who she was wherefore the discovery was not to
be imputed to any other cause and he hoped Mr Pickle would acquit him of all
share in the transaction
Peregrine was very well pleased to be thus undeceived his countenance
immediately cleared up the formality of his behaviour relaxed into his usual
familiarity he asked pardon for his unmannerly neglect of Godfreys letter
which he protested was not owing to any disregard or abatement of friendship
but to a hurry of youthful engagements in consequence of which he had
procrastinated his answer from time to time until he was ready to return in
person
The young soldier was contented with this apology and as Pickles
intention with respect to his sister was still dubious and undeclared he did
not think it was incumbent upon him as yet to express any resentment on that
score but was wise enough to foresee that the renewal of his intimacy with our
young gentleman might be the means of reviving that flame which had been
dissipated by a variety of new ideas With those sentiments he laid aside all
reserve and their communication immediately resumed its former channel
Peregrine made him acquainted with all the adventures in which he had been
engaged since their parting and he with the same confidence related the
remarkable incidents of his own fate among other things giving him to
understand that upon obtaining a commission in the army the father of his dear
Sophy without once inquiring about the occasion of his promotion had not only
favoured him with his countenance in a much greater degree than heretofore but
also contributed his interest and even promised the assistance of his purse in
procuring for him a lieutenancy which he was then soliciting with all his
power whereas if he had not been enabled by a most accidental piece of good
fortune to lift himself into the sphere of an officer he had all the reason in
the world to believe that this gentleman and all the rest of his wealthy
relations would have suffered him to languish in obscurity and distress and
by turning his misfortune into reproach made it a plea for their own want of
generosity and friendship
Peregrine understanding this situation of his friends affairs would have
accommodated him upon the instant with a sum to accelerate the passage of his
commission through the offices but being too well acquainted with his
scrupulous disposition to manifest his benevolence in that manner he found
means to introduce himself to one of the gentlemen of the waroffice who was so
well satisfied with the arguments he used in behalf of his friend that
Godfreys business was transacted in a very few days though he himself knew
nothing of his interests being thus reinforced
By this time the season at Bath was begun and our hero panting with the
desire of distinguishing himself at that resort of the fashionable world
communicated his design of going thither to his friend Godfrey whom he
importuned to accompany him in the excursion and leave of absence from his
regiment being obtained by the influence of Peregrines new qualityfriends
the two companions departed from London in a postchaise attended as usual by
the valet de chambre and Pipes who were become almost as necessary to our
adventurer as any two of his own organs
At the inn when they alighted for dinner Godfrey perceived a person
walking by himself in the yard with a very pensive air and upon observing him
more narrowly recognized him to be a professed gamester whom he had formerly
known at Tunbridge On the strength of this acquaintance he accosted the
peripatetic who knew him immediately and in the fulness of his grief and
vexation told him that he was now on his return from Bath where he had been
strippd by a company of sharpers who resented that he should presume to trade
upon his own bottom
Peregrine who was extremely curious in his inquiries imagining that he
might learn some entertaining and useful anecdotes from this artist invited him
to dinner and was accordingly fully informed of all the political systems at
the Bath He understood that there was at London one great company of
adventurers who employed agents in all the different branches of imposition
throughout the whole kingdom of England allowing these ministers a certain
proportion of the profits accruing from their industry and skill and reserving
the greatest share for the benefit of the common stock which was chargeable
with the expence of fitting out individuals in their various pursuits as well
as with the loss sustained in the course of their adventures Some whose
persons and qualifications are by the company judged adequate to the task exert
their talents in making love to ladies of fortune being accommodated with money
and accoutrements for that purpose after having given their bonds payable to
one or other of the directors on the day of marriage for certain sums
proportioned to the dowries they are to receive Others versed in the doctrine
of chances and certain secret expedients frequent all those places where games
of hazard are allowed and such as are masters in the arts of billiards tennis
and bowls are continually lying in wait in all the scenes of these diversions
for the ignorant and unwary A fourth class attend horseraces being skilled in
those mysterious practices by which the knowingones are taken in Nor is this
community unfurnished with those who lay wanton wives and old rich widows under
contribution and extort money by prostituting themselves to the embraces of
their own sex and then threatening their admirers with prosecution But their
most important returns are made by that body of their undertakers who exercise
their understandings in the innumerable stratagems of the card table at which
no sharper can be too infamous to be received and even caressed by persons of
the highest rank and distinction Among other articles of intelligence our
young gentleman learnd that those agents by whom their guest was broke and
expelled from Bath had constituted a bank against all sporters and monopolized
the advantage in all sorts of play He then told Gauntlet that if he would put
himself under his direction he would return with them and lay such a scheme
as would infallibly ruin the whole society at billiards as he knew that Godfrey
excelled them all in his knowledge of that game
The soldier excused himself from engaging in any party of that kind and
after dinner the travellers parted but as the conversation between the two
friends turned upon the information they had received Peregrine projected a
plan for punishing those villanous pests of society who prey upon their fellow
creatures and it was put in execution by Gauntlet in this manner
Chapter LXXIV
Godfrey executes a Scheme at Bath by which a whole Company of Sharpers is
ruined
On the evening after their arrival at Bath Godfrey who had kept himself up all
day for that purpose went in boots to the billiard table and two gentlemen
being at play began to bet with so little appearance of judgment that one of
the adventurers then present was inflamed with the desire of profiting by his
inexperience and when the table was vacant invited him to take a game for
amusement The soldier assuming the air of a selfconceited dupe answered
that he did not choose to throw away his time for nothing but if he pleased
would piddle for a crown a game This declaration was very agreeable to the
other who wanted to be further confirmed in the opinion he had conceived of the
stranger before he would play for any thing of consequence The partie being
accepted Gauntlet put off his coat and beginning with seeming eagerness won
the first game because his antagonist kept up his play with a view of
encouraging him to wager a greater sum The soldier purposely bit at the hook
the stakes were doubled and he was again victorious by the permission of his
competitor He now began to yawn and observing that it was not worth his while
to proceed in such a childish manner the other swore in an affected passion
that he would play with him for twenty guineas The proposal being embraced
thro the connivance of Godfrey the money was won by the sharper who exerted
his dexterity to the uttermost fearing that otherwise his adversary would
decline continuing the game
Godfrey thus conquered pretended to lose his temper cursd his own ill
luck swore that the table had a cast and that the balls did not run true
changed his mast and with great warmth challenged his enemy to double the sum
The gamester with feigned reluctance complied with his desire and having got
the first two hazards offered to lay one hundred guineas to fifty on the game
The odds were taken and Godfrey having allowed himself to be overcome began to
rage with great violence broke the mast to pieces threw the balls out at the
window and in the fury of his indignation defied his antagonist to meet him
tomorrow when he should be refreshed from the fatigue of travelling This was
a very welcome invitation to the gamester who imagining that the soldier would
turn out a most beneficial prize assured him that he would not fail to be
there next forenoon in order to give him his revenge
Gauntlet went home to his lodgings fully certified of his own superiority
and took his measures with Peregrine touching the prosecution of their scheme
while his opponent made a report of his success to the brethren of the gang who
resolved to be present at the decision of the match with the view of taking
advantage of the strangers passionate disposition
Affairs being thus concerted on both sides the players met according to
appointment and the room was immediately filled with spectators who either
came thither by accident curiosity or design The match was fixed for one
hundred pounds a game the principals chose their instruments and laid aside
their coats and one of the knights of the order proffered to lay another
hundred on the head of his associate Godfrey took him up on the instant A
second worthy of the same class seeing him so eager challenged him to treble
the sum and his proposal met with the same reception to the astonishment of
the company whose expectation was raised to a very interesting pitch The game
was begun and the soldier having lost the first hazard the odds were offered
by the confederacy with great vociferation but no body would run such a risk
in favour of a person who was utterly unknown The sharper having gained the
second also the noise increased to a surprising clamour not only of the gang
but likewise of almost all the spectators who desired to lay two to one against
the brother of Emilia
Peregrine who was present perceiving the cupidity of the association
sufficiently inflamed all of a sudden opened his mouth and answered their
betts to the amount of twelve hundred pounds which were immediately deposited
on both sides in money and notes so that this was perhaps the most important
game that ever was plaid at billiards Gauntlet seeing the agreement settled
struck his antagonists ball into the pocket in a twinkling tho it was in one
of those situations which are supposed to be against the striker The betters
were a little discomposed at this event for which however they consoled
themselves by imputing the success to accident but when at the very next
stroke he sprung it over the table their countenances underwent an
instantaneous distraction of feature and they waited in the most dreadful
suspense for the next hazard which being likewise taken with infinite ease
by the soldier the blood forsook their cheeks and the interjection Zounds
pronounced with a look of consternation and in a tone of despair proceeded
from every mouth at the same instant of time They were overwhelmed with horror
and astonishment at seeing three hazards taken in as many strokes from a person
of their friends dexterity and shrewdly suspected that the whole was a scheme
preconcerted for their destruction on this supposition they changed the note
and attempted to effect their own indemnification by proposing to lay the odds
in favour of Gauntlet but so much was the opinion of the company altered by
that young gentlemans success that no body would venture to espouse the cause
of his competitor who chancing to improve his game by the addition of another
lucky hit diminished the concern and revived the hopes of his adherents But
this gleam of fortune did not long continue Godfrey collected his whole art
and capacity and augmenting his score to number ten indulged himself with a
view of the whole fraternity The visages of these professors had adopted
different shades of complexion at every hazard he had taken from their natural
colour they had shifted into a sallow hue from thence into pale from pale into
yellow which degenerated into a mahogony tint and now they saw seventeen
hundred pounds of their stock depending upon a single stroke they stood like so
many swarthy Moors jaundiced with terror and vexation The fire which naturally
glowed in the cheeks and nose of the player seemed utterly extinct and his
carbuncles exhibited a livid appearance as if a gangrene had already made some
progress in his face his hand began to shake and his whole frame was seized
with such trepidation that he was fain to swallow a bumper of brandy in order
to reestablish the tranquillity of his nerves This expedient however did not
produce the desired effect for he aimed the ball at the lead with such
discomposure that it struck on the wrong side and came off at an angle which
directed it full in the middle hole This fatal accident was attended with an
universal groan as if the whole universe had gone to wreck and notwithstanding
that tranquillity for which adventurers are so remarkable this loss made such
an impression upon them all that each in particular manifested his chagrin
by the most violent emotions One turned up his eyes to heaven and bit his
nether lip another gnawed his fingers while he stalked across the room a
third blasphemed with horrible imprecations and he who played the partie
sneaked off grinding his teeth together with a look that baffles all
description and as he crossed the threshold exclaiming »A damnd bite by
Gd«
The victors after having insulted them by asking if they were disposed for
another chance carried off their winning with the appearance of great
composure though in their hearts they were transported with unspeakable joy
not so much on account of the booty they had gained as in consideration of
having so effectually destroyed such a nest of pernicious miscreants
Peregrine believing that now he had found an opportunity of serving his
friend without giving offence to the delicacy of his honour told him upon
their arrival at their lodgings that fortune had at length enabled him to
become in a manner independent or at least to make himself easy in his
circumstances by purchasing a company with the money he had won So saying he
put his share of the success in Gauntlets hand as a sum that of right belonged
to him and promised to write in his behalf to a nobleman who had interest
enough to promote such a quick rise in the service
Godfrey thanked him for his obliging intention but absolutely refused with
great loftiness of demeanour to appropriate to his own use any part of the
money which Pickle had gained and seemed affronted at the others entertaining
a sentiment so unworthy of his character He would not even accept in the way
of loan such an addition to his own stock as would amount to the price of a
company of foot but expressed great confidence in the future exertion of that
talent which had been blessed with such a prosperous beginning Our hero finding
him thus obstinately deaf to the voice of his own interest resolved to govern
himself in his next endeavours of friendship by his experience of this ticklish
punctilio and in the mean time gave a handsome benefaction to the hospital
out of these first fruits of his success in play and reserved two hundred
pounds for a set of diamond earrings and solitaire which he intended for a
present to Miss Emily
Chapter LXXV
The two Friends eclipse all their Competitors in Gallantry and practise a
pleasant Project of Revenge upon the Physicians of the Place
The fame of their exploit against the sharpers was immediately diffused through
all companies at the Bath so that when our adventurers appeared in public they
were pointed out by an hundred extended fingers and considered as consummate
artists in all the different species of finesse which they would not fail to
practise with the first opportunity Nor was this opinion of their characters
any obstacle to their reception into the fashionable parties in the place but
on the contrary such a recommendation which as I have already hinted never
fails to operate for the advantage of the possessor
This first adventure therefore served them as an introduction to the
company at Bath who were not a little surprized to find their expectations
baffled by the conduct of the two companions because far from engaging deeply
at play they rather shunned all occasions of gaming and directed their
attention to gallantry in which our hero shone unrivalled His external
qualifications exclusive of any other merit were strong enough to captivate
the common run of the female sex and these reinforced with a sprightliness of
conversation and a most insinuating address became irresistible even by those
who were fortified with pride caution or indifference But among all the
nymphs of this gay place he did not meet with one object that disputed the
empire of his heart with Emilia and therefore he divided his attachment
according to the suggestions of vanity and whim so that before he had resided
a fortnight at the Bath he had set all the ladies by the ears and furnished
all the hundred tongues of scandal with full employment The splendor of his
appearance excited the inquiries of envy which instead of discovering any
circumstance to his prejudice was cursed with the information of his being a
young gentleman of a good family and heir to an immense fortune
The countenance of some of his qualityfriends who arrived at Bath
confirmed this piece of intelligence upon which his acquaintance was courted
and cultivated with great assiduity and he met with such advances from some of
the fair sex as rendered him extremely fortunate in his amours Nor was his
friend Godfrey a stranger to favours of the same kind his accomplishments were
exactly calculated for the meridian of female taste and with certain
individuals of that sex his muscular frame and the robust connection of his
limbs were more attractive than the delicate proportions of his companion He
accordingly reigned paramount among those inamoratas who were turned of thirty
without being under the necessity of proceeding by tedious addresses and was
thought to have cooperated with the waters in removing the sterility of
certain ladies who had long undergone the reproach and disgust of their
husbands while Peregrine set up his throne among those who laboured under the
disease of celibacy from the pert miss of fifteen who with a fluttering
heart tosses her head bridles up and giggles involuntarily at sight of an
handsome young man to the staid maiden of twentyeight who with a demure
aspect moralizes on the vanity of beauty the folly of youth and simplicity of
woman and expatiates on friendship benevolence and good sense in the stile of
a platonic philosopher
In such a diversity of dispositions his conquests were attended with all
the heartburnings animosities and turmoils of jealousy and spite The younger
class took all opportunities of mortifying their seniors in public by treating
them with that indignity which contrary to the general privilege of age is by
the consent and connivance of mankind levelled against those who have the
misfortune to come under the denomination of old maids and these last retorted
their hostilities in the private machinations of slander supported by
experience and subtilty of invention Not one day passed in which some new
story did not circulate to the prejudice of one or other of those rivals
If our hero in the longroom chanced to quit one of the moralists with
whom he had been engaged in conversation he was immediately accosted by a
number of the opposite faction who with ironical smiles upbraided him with
cruelty to the poor lady he had left exhorted him to have compassion on her
sufferings and turning their eyes towards the object of their intercession
broke forth into an universal peal of laughter On the other hand when
Peregrine in consequence of having danced with one of the minors overnight
visited her in the morning the Platonists immediately laid hold on the
occasion tasked their imaginations associated ideas and in sage insinuations
retailed a thousand circumstances of the interview which never had any
foundation in truth They observed that if girls are determined to behave with
such indiscretion they must lay their accounts with incurring the censure of
the world that she in question was old enough to act more circumspectly and
wondered that her mother would permit any young fellow to approach the chamber
while her daughter was naked in bed As for the servants peeping through the
keyhole to be sure it was an unlucky accident but people ought to be upon
their guard against such curiosity and give their domestics no cause to employ
their penetration These and other such reflections were occasionally
whispered as secrets among those who were known to be communicative so that in
a few hours it became the general topic of discourse and as it had been
divulged under injunctions of secrecy it was almost impossible to trace the
scandal to its origin because every person concerned must have promulgated her
own breach of trust in discovering her author of the report
Peregrine instead of allaying rather exasperated this contention by an
artful distribution of his attention among the competitors well knowing that
should his regard be converged into one point he would soon forfeit the
pleasure he enjoyed in seeing them at variance for both parties would join
against the common enemy and his favourite would be persecuted by the whole
coalition He perceived that among the secret agents of scandal none were so
busy as the physicians a class of animals who live in this place like so many
ravens hovering about a carcase and even ply for employment like scullers at
Hungerfordstairs The greatest part of them have correspondents in London who
make it their business to inquire into the history character and distemper of
every one that repairs to Bath for the benefit of the waters and if they
cannot procure interest to recommend their medical friends to these patients
before they set out they at least furnish them with a previous account of what
they could collect that their correspondents may use this intelligence for
their own advantage By these means and the assistance of flattery and
assurance they often insinuate themselves into the acquaintance of strangers
and by consulting their dispositions become necessary and subservient to their
prevailing passions By their connexion with apothecaries and nurses they are
informed of all the private occurrences in each family and therefore enabled
to gratify the rancour of malice amuse the spleen of peevish indisposition and
entertain the eagerness of impertinent curiosity
In the course of these occupations which frequently affected the reputation
of our two adventurers this whole body fell under the displeasure of our hero
who after divers consultations with his friend concerted a stratagem which
was practised upon the faculty in this manner Among those who frequented the
pumproom was an old officer whose temper naturally impatient was by
repeated attacks of the gout which had almost deprived him of the use of his
limbs sublimated into a remarkable degree of virulence and perverseness he
imputed the inveteracy of his distemper to the malpractice of a surgeon who had
administered to him while he laboured under the consequences of an unfortunate
amour and this supposition had inspired him with an insurmountable antipathy to
all the professors of the medical art which was more and more confirmed by the
information of a friend at London who had told him that it was a common
practice among the physicians at Bath to dissuade their patients from drinking
the water that the cure and of consequence their attendance might be the
longer protracted
Thus prepossessed he had come to Bath and conformable to a few general
instructions he had received used the waters without any farther direction
taking all occasions of manifesting his hatred and contempt of the sons of
Æsculapius both by speech and gesticulations and even by pursuing a regimen
quite contrary to that which he knew they prescribed to others who seemed to be
exactly in his condition But he did not find his account in this method how
successful soever it may have been in other cases His complaints instead of
vanishing were every day more and more enraged and at length he was confined
to his bed where he lay blaspheming from morn to night and from night to morn
though still more determined than ever to adhere to his former maxims
In the midst of his torture which was become the common joke of the town
being circulated through the industry of the physicians who triumphed in his
disaster Peregrine by means of Mr Pipes employed a countryfellow who had
come to market to run with great haste early one morning to the lodgings of
all the doctors in town and desire them to attend the colonel with all
imaginable dispatch In consequence of this summons the whole faculty put
themselves in motion and three of the foremost arriving at the same instant of
time far from complimenting one another with the door each separately essayed
to enter and the whole triumvirate stuck in the passage While they remained
thus wedged together they descried two of their brethren posting towards the
same goal with all the speed that God had enabled them to exert upon which
they came to a parley and agreed to stand by one another This covenant being
made they disentangled themselves and inquiring about the patient were told
by the servant that he had just fallen asleep
Having received this intelligence they took possession of his antichamber
and shut the door while the rest of the tribe posted themselves on the outside
as they arrived so that the whole passage was filled from the top of the
staircase to the streetdoor and the people of the house together with the
colonels servant struck dumb with astonishment The three leaders of this
learned gang had no sooner made their lodgment good than they began to consult
about the patients malady which every one of them pretended to have considered
with great care and assiduity The first who gave his opinion said the
distemper was an obstinate Arthritis the second affirmed that it was no other
than a confirmed pox and the third swore it was an inveterate scurvy This
diversity of opinions was supported by a variety of quotations from medical
authors ancient as well as modern but these were not of sufficient authority
or at least not explicit enough to decide the dispute for there are many
schisms in medicine as well as in religion and each sect can quote the
fathers in support of the tenets they profess In short the contention rose to
such a pitch of clamour as not only alarmed their brethren on the stair but
also waked the patient from the first nap he had enjoyed in the space of ten
whole days Had it been simply waking he would have been obliged to them for
the noise that disturbed him for in that case he would have been relieved
from the tortures of hellfire to which in his dream he fancied himself
exposed but this dreadful vision had been the result of that impression which
was made upon his brain by the intolerable anguish of his joints so that when
he waked the pain instead of being allayed was rather aggravated by a greater
acuteness of sensation and the confused vociferation in the next room invading
his ears at the same time he began to think his dream was realized and in the
pangs of despair applied himself to a bell that stood by his bedside which he
rung with great violence and perseverance
This alarm put an immediate stop to the disputation of the three doctors
who upon this notice of his being awake rushed into his chamber without
ceremony and each seizing an arm the third made the like application to one of
his temples Before the patient could recollect himself from the amazement which
had laid hold on him at this unexpected irruption the room was filled by the
rest of the faculty who followed the servant that entered in obedience to his
masters call and the bed was in a moment surrounded by these gaunt ministers
of death The colonel seeing himself beset with such an assemblage of solemn
visages and figures which he had always considered with the utmost detestation
and abhorrence was incensed to a most inexpressible degree of indignation and
so inspirited by his rage that though his tongue denied its office his other
limbs performed their function he disengaged himself from the triumvirate who
had taken possession of his body sprung out of bed with incredible agility and
seizing one of his crutches applied it so effectually to one of the three just
as he stooped to examine the patients water that his tyeperiwig dropped into
the pot while he himself fell motionless on the floor
This significant explanation disconcerted the whole fraternity every man
turned his face as if it were by instinct towards the door and the retreat of
the community being obstructed by the efforts of individuals confusion and
tumultuous uproar ensued for the colonel far from limiting his prowess to the
first exploit handled his weapon with astonishing vigour and dexterity without
respect of persons so that few or none of them had escaped without marks of his
displeasure when his spirits failed and he sunk down again quite exhausted
on his bed Favoured by this respite the discomfited faculty collected their
hats and wigs which had fallen off in the fray and perceiving the assailant
too much enfeebled to renew the attack set up their throats together and
loudly threatened to prosecute him severely for such an outrageous assault
By this time the landlord had interposed and inquiring into the cause of
the disturbance was informed of what had happened by the complainants who at
the same time giving him to understand that they had been severally summoned
to attend the colonel that morning he assured them that they had been imposed
upon by some wag for his lodger had never dreamd of consulting any one of
their profession
Thunderstruck at this declaration the general clamour instantaneously
ceased and each in particular at once comprehending the nature of the joke
they sneaked silently off with the loss they had sustained in unutterable shame
and mortification while Peregrine and his friend who took care to be passing
that way by accident made a full stop at sight of such an extraordinary efflux
and enjoyed the countenance and condition of every one as he appeared nay even
made up to some of those who seemed most affected with their situation and
mischievously tormented them with questions touching this unusual congregation
then in consequence of the information they received from the landlord and the
colonels valet subjected the sufferers to the ridicule of all the company in
town As it would have been impossible for the authors of this farce to keep
themselves concealed from the indefatigable inquiries of the physicians they
made no secret of their having directed the whole though they took care to own
it in such an ambiguous manner as afforded no handle of prosecution
Chapter LXXVI
They distress the Housekeepers of Bath by another mischievous Contrivance
Peregrine humbles a noted Hector and meets with a strange Character at the
House of a certain Lady
This adventure was attended with another small tour that involved almost all
the inhabitants of Bath in a very ludicrous scene of distress Our hero among
his other remarks had observed that in this place there was no such utensil as
a jack and that all the spits were turned by dogs which never failed to
appear at the hour of employment with surprising exactness and regularity so
that every family depended with great confidence upon their known punctuality
without taking the trouble to secure them beforehand
Our companions therefore by means of their understrappers who employed
several chairmen for the purpose apprehended all these useful animals on
Saturday at night and confined them in an outhouse with a view of perplexing
the people with regard to their Sundays dinner Nor were they disappointed in
their expectations the surloins being spitted at the usual time the cookmaid
appeared at every door almost at the same instant and after having earnestly
cast their eyes around they began to run about the street and whistle with
great vehemence ejaculating curses between whiles against the innocent curs
that were disabled from obeying the dictates of their duty Frivolous as this
circumstance may seem to be it was here considered as a familyconcern of some
consequence for the maids having communicated the affair to their respective
mistresses every house in a twinkling sent forth its master in a nightcap
slippers and morninggown in order to find some remedy for this dreadful
calamity and a second concert of whistling was performed in vain They even
assembled in committees in the street to deliberate on this unheardof
defection of the dogs and having cudgelled their brains to no purpose returned
to their several homes in manifest terror of losing a favourite meal
Over and above this their distraction which our young gentlemen in person
enjoyed they afterwards understood that the affliction in many houses was
increased by the miscarriage of the shifts to which they were reduced on this
occasion One master of a family through the perverseness of his servants was
obliged to undertake the office of turnspit in propria persona to the
destruction of his appetite and the danger of his health another being driven
to the necessity of cutting the roast into steaks fell sick of mortification
and had well nigh lost his wits and a third having contrived to suspend the
surloin before the fire in order to be twirled about by the hand of an
attendant the packthread gave way towards the end of the operation and the
meat falling down discharged the contents of the drippingpan upon his leg
which was scalded in a miserable manner and what added to their vexation about
one oclock when the disappointment was most severely felt and the misfortune
irretrievable Peregrine ordered the prisoners to be discharged and every
kitchen was visited by one of these quadrupeds as if they had come on purpose
to insult the distress they had occasioned These and a variety of other
stratagems practised upon the objects of ridicule hatred and contempt
confirmed and augmented the reputation of our adventurers who had by this
time rendered themselves terrible to all sorts of delinquents of both sexes
from the brazenfronted gamester and female libertine to the stale maiden that
deals in scandal and strong waters and the puny flutterer who seems to have
resigned all pretensions to manhood Among those who never failed to reside at
Bath during the season was a certain person who from the most abject misery
had by his industry and art at play amassed about fifteen thousand pounds and
though his character was notorious insinuated himself so far into the favour of
what is called the best company that very few private parties of pleasure took
place in which he was not principally concerned He was of a gigantic stature
a most intrepid countenance and his disposition naturally overbearing had in
the course of his adventures and success acquired a most intolerable degree of
insolence and vanity By the ferocity of his features and audacity of his
behaviour he had obtained a reputation for the most undaunted courage which
had been confirmed by divers adventures in which he had humbled the most
assuming heroes of his own fraternity so that he now reigned chief Hector of
the place with unquestioned authority
With this son of fortune was Peregrine one evening engaged at play and so
successful that he could not help informing his friend of his good luck
Godfrey hearing the description of the loser immediately recognized the person
whom he had known at Tunbridge and assuring Pickle that he was a sharper of
the first water cautioned him against any future connexion with such a
dangerous companion who he affirmed had suffered him to win a small sum that
he might be encouraged to lose a much greater upon some other occasion
Our young gentleman treasured up this advice and though he did not scruple
to give the gamester an opportunity of retrieving his loss when he next day
demanded his revenge he absolutely refused to proceed after he had refunded
his winning The other who considered him as a hotheaded unthinking youth
endeavoured to inflame his pride to a continuance of the game by treating his
skill with scorn and contempt and among other sarcastic expressions advising
him to go to school again before he pretended to engage with masters of the
art Our hero incensed at his arrogance replied with great warmth that he
knew himself sufficiently qualified for playing with men of honour who deal
upon the square and hoped he should always deem it infamous either to learn or
practise the tricks of a professed gamester »Blood and thunder meaning me
Sir cried this artist raising his voice and curling his visage into a most
intimidating frown Zounds Ill cut the throat of any scoundrel who has the
presumption to suppose that I dont play as honourably as eer a nobleman in
the kingdom and I insist upon an explanation from you Sir or by hell and
brimstone I shall expect other sort of satisfaction« Peregrine whose blood by
this time boiled within him answered without hesitation »Far from thinking
your demand unreasonable I will immediately explain myself without reserve and
tell you that upon unquestionable authority I believe you to be an impudent
rascal and common cheat«
The Hector was so amazed and confounded at the freedom of this declaration
which he thought no man on earth would venture to make in his presence that for
some minutes he could not recollect himself but at length whispered a
challenge in the ear of our hero which was accordingly accepted When they
arrived next morning upon the field the gamester arming his countenance with
all its terrors advanced with a sword of a monstrous length and putting
himself in a posture called aloud in a most terrific voice »Draw damn ye
draw I will this instant send you to your fathers« The youth was not slow in
complying with his desire his weapon was unsheathed in a moment and he began
the attack with such unexpected spirit and address that his adversary having
made shift with great difficulty to parry the first pass retreated a few paces
and demanded a parley in which he endeavoured to persuade the young man that
to lay a man of his character under the necessity of chastising his insolence
was the most rash and inconsiderate step that he could possibly have taken but
that he had compassion upon his youth and was willing to spare him if he would
surrender his sword and promise to ask pardon in public for the offence he had
given Pickle was so much exasperated at this unparallelled effrontery that
without deigning to make the least reply he flung his own hat in the proposers
face and renewed the charge with such undaunted agility that the gamester
finding himself in manifest hazard of his life betook himself to his heels and
fled homewards with incredible speed being closely pursued by Peregrine who
having sheathed his sword pelted him with stones as he ran and compelled him
to go that same day into banishment from Bath where he had domineered so
long
By this atchievement which was the subject of astonishment to all the
company who had looked upon the fugitive as a person of heroic courage our
adventurers reputation was rendered formidable in all its circumstances
although he thereby disobliged a good many people of fashion who had contracted
an intimacy of friendship with the exile and who resented his disgrace as if
it had been the misfortune of a worthy man These generous patrons however
bore a very small proportion to those who were pleased with the event of the
duel because in the course of their residence at Bath they had either been
insulted or defrauded by the challenger Nor was this instance of our heros
courage unacceptable to the ladies few of whom could now resist the united
force of such accomplishments Indeed neither he nor his friend Godfrey would
have found much difficulty in picking up an agreeable companion for life but
Gauntlets heart was preengaged to Sophy and Pickle exclusive of his
attachment to Emily which was stronger than he himself imagined possessed such
a share of ambition as could not be satisfied with the conquest of any female
he beheld at Bath
His visits were therefore promiscuous without any other view than that of
amusement and though his pride was flattered by the advances of the fair whom
he had captivated he never harboured one thought of proceeding beyond the
limits of common gallantry and carefully avoided all particular explanations
But what above all other enjoyments yielded him the most agreeable
entertainment was the secret history of characters which he learnd from a
very extraordinary person with whom he became acquainted in this manner
Being at the house of a certain lady on a visitingday he was struck with
the appearance of an old man who no sooner entered the room than the mistress
of the house very kindly desired one of the wits present to roast the old put
This petit maitre proud of the employment went up to the senior who had
something extremely peculiar and significant in his countenance and saluting
him with divers fashionable congés accosted him in these words »Your servant
you old rascal I hope to have the honour of seeing you hangd I vow to Gad
you look extremely shocking with these gummy eyes lanthorn jaws and toothless
chaps What you squint at the ladies you old rotten medlar Yes yes we
understand your ogling but you must content yourself with a cookmaid sink me
I see you want to sit These witherd shanks of yours tremble under their
burthen but you must have a little patience old Hirco indeed you must I
intend to mortify you a little longer curse me«
The company was so tickled with this address which was delivered with much
grimace and gesticulation that they burst out into a loud fit of laughter
which they fathered upon a monkey that was chained in the room and when the
peal was over the wit renewed his attack in these words »I suppose you are
fool enough to think this mirth was occasioned by Pug ay there he is you had
best survey him he is of your own family switch me but the laugh was at your
expence and you ought to thank heaven for making you so ridiculous« While he
uttered these ingenious ejaculations the old gentleman bowed alternately to him
and the monkey that seemed to grin and chatter in imitation of the beau and
with an arch solemnity of visage pronounced »Gentlemen as I have not the
honour to understand your compliments they will be much better bestowed on each
other« So saying he seated himself and had the satisfaction to see the laugh
returned upon the aggressor who remained confounded and abashed and in a few
minutes left the room muttering as he retired »the old fellow grows
scurrilous stap my breath«
While Peregrine wondered in silence at this extraordinary scene the lady of
the house perceiving his surprize gave him to understand that the ancient
visitant was utterly bereft of the sense of hearing that his name was
Cadwallader Crabtree his disposition altogether misanthropical and that he was
admitted into company on account of the entertainment he afforded by his
sarcastic observations and the pleasant mistakes to which he was subject from
his infirmity Nor did our hero wait a long time for an illustration of this odd
character Every sentence he spoke was replete with gall nor did his satire
consist in general reflections but in a series of remarks which had been made
through the medium of a most whimsical peculiarity of opinion
Among those who were present at this assembly was a young officer who
having by dint of interest obtained a seat in the lower house thought it
incumbent upon him to talk of affairs of state and accordingly regaled the
company with an account of a secret expedition which the French were busied in
preparing assuring them that he had it from the mouth of the minister to whom
it had been transmitted by one of his agents abroad In descanting upon the
particulars of the armament he observed that they had twenty ships of the
line ready manned and victualled at Brest which were destined for Toulon
where they would be joined by as many more and from thence proceed to the
execution of their scheme which he imparted as a secret not fit to be divulged
This piece of intelligence being communicated to all the company except Mr
Crabtree who suffered by his loss of hearing that cynic was soon after
accosted by a lady who by means of an artificial alphabet formed by a certain
conjunction and disposition of the fingers asked if he had heard any
extraordinary news of late Cadwallader with his usual complaisance replied
that he supposed she took him for a courier or spy by teizing him eternally
with that question He then expatiated upon the foolish curiosity of mankind
which he said must either proceed from idleness or want of ideas and repeated
almost verbatim the officers information as a vague ridiculous report
invented by some ignorant coxcomb who wanted to give himself airs of
importance and believed only by those who were utterly unacquainted with the
politics and strength of the French nation
In confirmation of what he had advanced he endeavoured to demonstrate how
impossible it must be for that people to fit out even the third part of such a
navy so soon after the losses they had sustained during the war and confirmed
his proof by asserting that to his certain knowledge the harbours of Brest
and Toulon could not at that time produce a squadron of eight ships of the line
The member who was an utter stranger to this misanthrope hearing his own
asseverations treated with such contempt glowed with confusion and resentment
and raising his voice began to defend his own veracity with great eagerness and
trepidation mingling with his arguments many blustering invectives against the
insolence and ill manners of his supposed contradictor who sat with the most
mortifying composure of countenance till the officers patience was quite
exhausted and then to the manifest increase of his vexation he was informed
that his antagonist was so deaf that in all probability the last trumpet
would make no impression upon him without a previous renovation of his organs
Chapter LXXVII
He cultivates an Acquaintance with the Misanthrope who favours him with a short
Sketch of his own History
Peregrine was extremely well pleased at this occasional rebuke which occurred
so seasonably that he could scarce believe it accidental He looked upon
Cadwallader as the greatest curiosity he had ever known and cultivated the old
mans acquaintance with such insinuating address that in less than a fortnight
he obtained his confidence and as they one day walked into the fields together
the Manhater disclosd himself in these words »Tho the term of our
communication has been but short you must have perceived that I treat you with
uncommon marks of regard which I assure you is not owing to your personal
accomplishments nor the pains you take to oblige me for the first I overlook
and the last I see through but there is something in your disposition which
indicates a rooted contempt for the world and I understand you have made some
successful efforts in exposing one part of it to the ridicule of the other It
is upon this assurance that I offer you my advice and assistance in
prosecuting other schemes of the same nature and to convince you that such an
alliance is not to be rejected I will now give you a short sketch of my
history which will be published after my death in fortyseven volumes of my
own compiling
I was born about forty miles from this place of parents who having a very
old familyname to support bestowed their whole fortune on my elder brother so
that I inherited of my father little else than a large share of choler to which
I am indebted for a great many adventures that did not always end to my
satisfaction At the age of eighteen I was sent up to town with a
recommendation to a certain peer who found means to amuse me with the promise
of a commission for seven whole years and tis odds but I should have made my
fortune by my perseverance had not I been arrested and thrown into the
Marshalsea by my landlord on whose credit I had subsisted three years after my
father had renounced me as an idle vagabond There I remained six months among
those prisoners who have no other support than chance charity and contracted a
very valuable acquaintance which was of great service to me in the future
emergencies of my life
I was no sooner discharged in consequence of an act of parliament for the
relief of insolvent debtors than I went to the house of my creditor whom I
cudgelled without mercy and that I might leave nothing undone of those things
which I ought to have done my next stage was to Westminsterhall where I
waited until my patron came forth from the house and saluted him with a blow
that laid him senseless on the pavement but my retreat was not so fortunate as
I could have wished the chairmen and lacquies in waiting having surrounded and
disarmed me in a trice I was committed to Newgate and loaded with chains and
a very sagacious gentleman who was afterwards hanged having sat in judgment
upon my case pronounced me guilty of a capital crime and foretold my
condemnation at the Old Baily His prognostic however was disappointed for no
body appearing to prosecute me at the next sessions I was discharged by order
of the court It would be impossible for me to recount in the compass of one
days conversation all the particular exploits in which I bore a considerable
share suffice it to say I have been at different times prisoner in all the
jails within the bills of mortality I have broke from every roundhouse on this
side Templebar No bailiff in the days of my youth and desperation durst
execute a writ upon me without a dozen followers and the justices themselves
trembled when I was brought before them
I was once maimed by a carman with whom I quarrelled because he ridiculed
my leek on St Davids day my skull was fractured by a butchers cleaver on
the like occasion I have been run thro the body five times and lost the tip
of my left ear by a pistol bullet In a rencounter of this kind having left my
antagonist for dead I was wise enough to make my retreat into France and a few
days after my arrival at Paris entering into conversation with some officers on
the subject of politics a dispute arose in which I lost my temper and spoke
so irreverently of the Grand Monarque that next morning I was sent to the
bastile by virtue of a Lettre de Cachet There I remained for some months
deprived of all intercourse with rational creatures a circumstance for which I
was not sorry as I had the more time to project schemes of revenge against the
tyrant who confined me and the wretch who had betrayed my private conversation
but tired at length with these fruitless suggestions I was fain to unbend the
severity of my thoughts by a correspondence with some industrious spiders who
had hung my dungeon with their ingenious labours
I considered their work with such attention that I soon became an adept in
the mystery of weaving and furnished myself with as many useful observations
and reflections on that art as will compose a very curious treatise which I
intend to bequeath to the Royal Society for the benefit of our woolen
manufacture and this with a view to perpetuate my own name rather than
befriend my country for thank heaven I am weaned from all attachments of that
kind and look upon myself as one very little obliged to any society whatsoever
Although I presided with absolute power over this longleggd community and
distributed rewards and punishments to each according to his deserts I grew
impatient of my situation and my natural disposition one day prevailing like
a fire which had long been smothered I wreaked the fury of my indignation upon
my innocent subjects and in a twinkling destroyed the whole race While I was
employed in this general massacre the turnkey who brought me food opening the
door and perceiving my transport shrugged up his shoulders and leaving my
allowance went out pronouncing Le pauvre diable la tête lui tourne My
passion no sooner subsided than I resolved to profit by this opinion of the
jailor and from that day counterfeited lunacy with such success that in less
than three months I was delivered from the bastile and sent to the gallies in
which they thought my bodily vigour might be of service although the faculties
of my mind were decayed Before I was chained to the oar I received three
hundred stripes by way of welcome that I might thereby be rendered more
tractable notwithstanding I used all the arguments in my power to persuade
them I was only mad north north west and when the wind was southerly knew a
hawk from a handsaw
In our second cruize we had the good fortune to be overtaken by a tempest
during which the slaves were unbound that they might contribute the more to the
preservation of the galley and have a chance for their lives in case of a
shipwreck We were no sooner at liberty than making ourselves masters of the
vessel we robbed the officers and ran her on shore among rocks on the coast of
Portugal from whence I hastened to Lisbon with a view of obtaining my passage
in some ship bound for England where by this time I hoped my affair would be
forgotten
But before this scheme could be accomplished my evil genius led me into
company and being intoxicated I began to broach doctrines on the subject of
religion at which some of the partie were scandalized and incensed and I was
next day dragged out of bed by the officers of the inquisition and conveyed to
a cell in the prison belonging to that tribunal
At my first examination my resentment was strong enough to support me under
the torture which I endured without flinching but my resolution abated and my
zeal immediately cooled when I understood from a fellowprisoner who groaned
on the other side of the partition that in a short time there would be an Auto
da Fe in consequence of which I would in all probability be doomed to the
flames if I would not renounce my heretical errors and submit to such penance
as the church should think fit to prescribe This miserable wretch was convicted
of Judaism which he had privately practised by connivance for many years
until he had amassed a fortune sufficient to attract the regard of the church
To this he fell a sacrifice and accordingly prepared himself for the stake
while I not at all ambitious of the crown of martyrdom resolved to temporize
so that when I was brought to the question the second time I made a solemn
recantation and as I had no worldly fortune to obstruct my salvation was
received into the bosom of the church and by way of penance enjoined to walk
barefoot to Rome in the habit of a pilgrim
During my peregrination thro Spain I was detained as a spy until I could
procure credentials from the inquisition at Lisbon and behaved with such
resolution and reserve that after being released I was deemed a proper person
to be employed in quality of a secret intelligencer at a certain court This
office I undertook without hesitation and being furnished with money and bills
of credit crossed the Pyrenees with intention to revenge myself upon the
Spaniard for the severities I had undergone during my captivity
Having therefore effectually disguised myself by a change of dress and a
large patch on one eye I hired an equipage and appeared at Bologna in quality
of an itinerant physician in which capacity I succeeded tolerably well till my
servants decamped in the night with my baggage and left me in the condition of
Adam In short I have travelled over the greatest part of Europe as a beggar
pilgrim priest soldier gamester and quack and felt the extremes of
indigence and opulence with the inclemency of weather in all its vicissitudes
I have learned that the characters of mankind are every where the same that
common sense and honesty bear an infinitely small proportion to folly and vice
and that life is at best a paultry province
After having suffered innumerable hardships dangers and disgraces I
returned to London where I lived some years in a garret and picked up a
subsistence such as it was by vending purges in the streets from the back of
a pied horse in which situation I used to harrangue the mob in broken English
under pretence of being an High German doctor
At last an uncle died by whom I inherit an estate of three hundred pounds
per annum tho in his lifetime he would not have parted with a sixpence to
save my soul and body from perdition
I now appear in the world not as a member of any community or what is
called a social creature but meerly as a spectator who entertains himself with
the grimaces of a jackpudding and banquets his spleen in beholding his enemies
at loggerheads That I may enjoy this disposition abstracted from all
interruption danger and participation I feign myself deaf an expedient by
which I not only avoid all disputes and their consequences but also become
master of a thousand little secrets which are every day whispered in my
presence without any suspicion of their being overheard You saw how I handled
that shallow politician at my lady Plausibles the other day The same method I
practise upon the crazed tory the bigot whig the sour supercilious pedant the
petulant critic the blustering coward the fawning tool the pert pimp sly
sharper and every other species of knaves and fools with which this kingdom
abounds
In consequence of my rank and character I obtain free admission to the
ladies among whom I have obtained the appellation of the Scandalous Chronicle
and as I am considered while silent in no other light than that of a footstool
or elbow chair they divest their conversation of all restraint before me and
gratify my sense of hearing with strange things which if I could prevail upon
myself to give the world that satisfaction would compose a curious piece of
secret history and exhibit a quite different idea of characters from what is
commonly entertained
By this time young gentleman you may perceive that I have it in my power
to be a valuable correspondent and that it will be your interest to deserve my
confidence«
Chapter LXXVIII
A Treaty is concluded betwixt Cadwallader and our Hero in Consequence of which
divers pleasant Adventures occur until the young Gentleman is summoned to the
Garison on a very interesting Occasion
Here the Misanthrope left off speaking desirous to know the sentiments of our
hero who embraced the proffered alliance in a transport of joy and surprize
and the treaty was no sooner concluded than Mr Crabtree began to perform
articles by imparting to him a thousand delicious secrets from the possession
of which he promised himself innumerable scenes of mirth and enjoyment By means
of this associate whom he considered as the ring of Gyges he foresaw that he
should be enabled to penetrate not only into the chambers but even to the inmost
thoughts of the female sex and in order to ward off suspicion they agreed to
revile each other in public and meet at a certain private rendezvous to
communicate their mutual discoveries and concert their future operations So
precious did Peregrine esteem this treasure that he would not even make his
friend Godfrey acquainted with his good fortune tho the first use he made of
it was in behalf of that young gentleman whom he undeceived in two very
interesting particulars
The soldiers addresses were at that time shared betwixt two ladies who
received them in a very different manner By one of them he was caressd with
marks of particular regard and by small favours flattered with the expectation
of supreme success while the other treated him with such severity and shyness
that he could never find an opportunity or resolution to make an unrestricted
declaration of his flame As every woman has a confidant to whom she pours
forth her heart on these occasions Mr Crabtree happened to be present when
each of them disburthened herself of her sentiments with regard to her lover
and learned from their own confessions that the frank lady cajoled him for the
sake of the money which he suffered himself to lose at cards though she had not
the least intention to extend her complaisance beyond the limits of exterior
civilities while the prude was actually enamoured of his person and through a
remnant of modesty avoided him for no other reason but because she knew herself
incapable of resisting his sollicitations
Mr Gauntlet profited by this discovery which was communicated to him
through the canal of his friend relinquished the mercenary coquet and found
means to vanquish the reserve of the other Peregrine himself was in like
manner set to rights in certain opinions he had conceived of his own influence
with particular ladies and as no person ever offended him with impunity he
projected a scheme of vengeance against a remarkable inamorato who to his
assiduities preferred those of a brawny fellow that from the place of a
private trooper in the horseguards had been preferred to the rank of a
lieutenant by the interest of a dowager lately deceased With this favourite
did the lady make an assignation in the hearing of Cadwallader who gave our
hero to understand that he was to be received by her woman in the dark at a
parlourdoor that opened into a small garden the wall of which he could easily
overleap after the servants should be retired to rest
Peregrine fraught with this intelligence resolved to anticipate his rival
and accordingly by the ministration of his companion engaged a couple of stout
chairmen who being posted on the spot seized the lover in his endeavours to
surmount the wall and conveyed him to a place of confinement on pretence of
supposing his design was to rob the house He was no sooner secured in this
manner than Pickle being determined to prosecute the adventure transported
himself into the garden and personating the lieutenant went to the door made
the signal which had been agreed upon was admitted by the attendant conducted
to her ladys apartment that was darkened for her reception and having enjoyed
his revenge with every circumstance of satisfaction made his retreat before
day without being discovered after having been gratified with a valuable ring
as a testimony of her ladyships affection
Mean while the disappointed captive finding himself involved in a
troublesome affair that must end either in his own disgrace or in that of his
mistress whom he could not with honour expose employed all his art in
tampering with his detainers who pretended to have detected him as they passed
that way by accident and who would not listen to the terms he proposed for his
release until it was almost day and then by the permission of their employers
they set him at liberty in consideration of five guineas which he divided
between them From the time of his discharge he waited with the utmost
impatience for the hour of breakfast and when it approached hied him to the
house of his Dulcinea with a view of excusing himself for the breach of
punctuality he was obliged to commit
He was confounded at the air of satisfaction and complacency that manifested
itself in the ladys appearance but believing it was no other than affectation
to conceal her inward disquiet and chagrin he assumed a most dejected look and
with many expressions of mortification recounted the cursed accident which had
disabled him from reaping the delicious fruits of his expectation The nymph
who was not at all subject to the vulgar symptoms of confusion hearing this
circumstantial detail fixed her eyes upon the soldiers countenance and
regarding him attentively for some minutes »If this declaration said she be
an effort of your delicacy you may spare such ridiculous reserve for the
future When things are come to a certain pass such ceremony is superfluous and
disagreeable But perhaps you remember your good fortune with regret and
actually wish you had met with that adventure you have been at such pains to
feign rather than have enjoyed so cheap a conquest Indeed you was so impatient
to be gone before morning that you seemed rather tired of your stay than
sollicitous about my reputation«
The trooper amazed and alarmed at this unexpected address swore with many
vulgar execrations that he could prove he was in custody from twelve till six
oclock in the morning and that he began to perceive he had been finely flung
by some rascal who had visited her in his place He even hinted a suspicion
that the whole affair had been transacted by her connivance and became
extremely rough and unmannerly in his expostulations so that the lady who had
more of the tygress than of the lamb in her disposition being exasperated at
the freedom of his behaviour ordered him down stairs and to use the common
phrase forbad him her house He accordingly retired not without many
invectives and threats which he bawled aloud in his march while his incensed
patroness by this time sensible that she had been the dupe of some stratagem
remained in a state of unspeakable anxiety and mortification Being blessed
however with a great share of penetration she forthwith set it at work and
after some recollection concluded that the substitute could be no other than
Peregrine who had either learned the circumstance of the assignation from her
maid or extracted them from the vanity and indiscretion of the gallant himself
Now that she had an opportunity of being acquainted with all our young
gentlemans qualifications she did not repine at the qui pro quo which had been
played upon her and resolved to transfer her good graces to Peregrine without
reserve With this view she favoured him with the most palpable advances and
allusions which he would not understand but on the contrary conveyed the ring
to her in a letter written in a counterfeited character with a feigned name
importing that as he had reason to believe the token was intended for another
he could not in conscience reserve it for his own use and to crown her
vexation by his contrivance every circumstance of the story was divulged
except the name of the person who had represented the lover
While our adventurer thus enjoyed his disposition he was summoned to the
castle by an express from his friend Hatchway representing that the commodore
lay at the point of death and in less than an hour after the receipt of this
melancholy piece of news he set out post for his uncles habitation having
previously taken leave of his associate Crabtree who promised to meet him in
two months at London and settled a correspondence with Gauntlet who proposed
to remain at Bath during the remaining part of the season
Chapter LXXIX
Peregrine arrives at the Garison where he receives the last Admonitions of
Commodore Trunnion who next Day resigns his Breath and is buried according to
his own Directions Some Gentlemen in the Country make a fruitless Attempt to
accommodate Matters betwixt Mr Gamaliel Pickle and his eldest Son
About four oclock in the morning our hero arrived at the garison where he
found his generous uncle in extremity supported in bed by Julia on one side
and lieutenant Hatchway on the other while Mr Jolter administered spiritual
consolation to his soul and between whiles comforted Mrs Trunnion who with
her maid sat by the fire weeping with great decorum the physician having just
taken his last fee and retired after pronouncing the fatal prognostic in
which he anxiously wished he might not be mistaken
Though the commodores speech was interrupted by a violent hiccup he still
retained the use of his senses and when Peregrine approached stretched out his
hand with manifest signs of satisfaction The young gentleman whose heart
overflowed with gratitude and affection could not behold such a spectacle
unmoved He endeavoured to conceal his tenderness which in the wildness of his
youth and in the pride of his disposition he considered as a derogation from
his manhood but in spite of all his endeavours the tears gushed from his
eyes while he kissed the old mans hand and he was so utterly disconcerted by
his grief that when he attempted to speak his tongue denied its office so
that the commodore perceiving his disorder made a last effort of strength and
consoled him in these words »Swab the spray from your bowsprit my good lad
and coil up your spirits You must not let the toplifts of your heart give way
because you see me ready to go down at these years many a better man has
foundered before he has made half my way thof I trust by the mercy of God I
shall be sure in port in a very few glasses and fast moored in a most blessed
riding for my good friend Jolter hath overhauled the journal of my sins and by
the observation he hath taken of the state of my soul I hope I shall happily
conclude my voyage and be brought up in the latitude of heaven Here has been a
doctor that wanted to stow me chockfull of physic but when a mans hour is
come what signifies his taking his departure with a pothecarys shop in his
hold Those fellows come along side of dying men like the messengers of the
admiralty with sailing orders but I told him as how I could slip my cable
without his direction or assistance and so he hauled off in dudgeon This
cursed hiccup damnation seize it makes such a rippling in the current of my
speech that mayhap you dont understand what I say Now while the sucker of my
windpump will go I would willingly mention a few things which I hope you will
set down in the logbook of your remembrance when I am stiff dye see Theres
your aunt sitting whimpering by the fire I desire you will keep her tight
warm and easy in her old age shes an honest heart in her own way and thof
she goes a little crank and humoursome by being often overstowed with Nantz and
religion she has been a faithful shipmate to me and I dare say never turned
in with another man since we first embarked in the same bottom Jack Hatchway
you know the trim of her as well as eer a man in England and I believe she has
a kindness for you whereby if you two will grapple in the way of matrimony
when I am gone I do suppose that my godson for love of me will allow you to
live in the garison all the days of your life«
Peregrine assured him he would with pleasure comply with any request he
should make in behalf of two persons whom he esteemed so much and the
lieutenant with a waggish sneer which even the gravity of the situation could
not prevent thanked them both for their good will telling the commodore he
was obliged to him for his friendship in seeking to promote him to the command
of a vessel which he himself had wore out in the service that notwithstanding
he should be content to take charge of her tho he could not help being shy of
coming after such an able navigator
Trunnion exhausted as he was smiled at this sally and after some pause
resumed his admonitions in this manner »I need not talk of Pipes because I
know you will do for him without my recommendation the fellow has sailed with
me in many a hard gale and Ill warrant him as stout a seaman as ever set face
to the weather but I hope you will take care of the rest of my crew and not
disrate them after I am dead in favour of new followers As for that young
woman Ned Gauntlets daughter I am informed as how she is an excellent wench
and has a respect for you whereby if you run her on board in an unlawful way
I leave my curse upon you and trust you will never prosper in the voyage of
life but I believe you are more of an honest man than to behave so much like
a pirate I beg of all love you wool take care of your constitution and beware
of running foul of harlots who are no better than so many mermaids that sit
upon rocks in the sea and hang out a fair face for the destruction of
passengers thof I must say for my own part I never met with any of those
sweet singers and yet I have gone to sea for the space of thirty years But
howsomever steer your course clear of all such brimstone bitches shun going to
law as you would shun the devil and look upon all attornies as devouring
sharks or ravenous fish of prey As soon as the breath is out of my body let
minute guns be fired till I am safe under ground I would also be buried in the
red jacket I had on when I boarded and took the Renummy Let my pistols
cutlass and pocketcompass be laid in the coffin along with me Let me be
carried to the grave by my own men dressed in the black caps and white shirts
which my barges crew were wont to wear and they must keep a good lookout
that none of your pilfering rapscallions may come and heave me up again for the
lucre of what they can get until my carcase is belayed by a tombstone As for
the motto or what you call it I leave that to you and Mr Jolter who are
scholars but I do desire that it may not be ingraved in the Greek or Latin
lingos and much less in the French which I abominate but in plain English
that when the angel comes to pipe all hands at the great day he may know that I
am a British man and speak to me in my mother tongue And now I have no more to
say but God in heaven have mercy upon my soul and send you all fair weather
wheresoever you are bound« So saying he regarded every individual around him
with a look of complacency and closing his eye composed himself to rest while
the whole audience Pipes himself not excepted were melted with sorrow and
Mrs Trunnion consented to quit the room that she might not be exposed to the
unspeakable anguish of seeing him expire
His last moments however were not so near as they imagined he began to
dose and enjoyed small intervals of ease till next day in the afternoon
during which remissions he was heard to pour forth many pious ejaculations
expressing his hope that for all the heavy cargo of his sins he should be
able to surmount the foothookshrouds of despair and get aloft to the
crosstrees of Gods good favour At last his voice sunk so low as not to be
distinguished and having lain about an hour almost without any perceptible
signs of life he gave up the ghost with a groan which anounced his decease
Julia was no sooner certified of this melancholy event than she ran to her
aunts chamber weeping aloud and immediately a very decent concert was
performed by the good widow and her attendants Peregrine and Hatchway retired
till the corpse should be laid out and Pipes having surveyed the body with a
face of rueful attention »Well fare thy soul old Hawser Trunnion said he
man and boy I have known thee these five and thirty years and sure a truer
heart never broke biscuit Many a hard gale hast thou weathered but now thy
spells are all over and thy hull fairly laid up A better commander Id never
desire to serve and who knows but I may help to set up thy standing rigging in
another world«
All the servants of the house were affected with the loss of their old
master and the poor people in the neighbourhood assembled at the gate and by
repeated howlings expressed their sorrow for the death of their charitable
benefactor Peregrine though he felt every thing which love and gratitude could
inspire on this occasion was not so much overwhelmed with affliction as to be
incapable of taking the management of the family into his own hands He gave
directions about the funeral with great discretion after having paid the
compliments of condolance to his aunt whom he consoled with the assurance of
his inviolable esteem and affection He ordered suits of mourning to be made for
every person in the garison and invited all the neighbouring gentlemen to the
burial not even excepting his father and brother Gam who did not however
honour the ceremony with their presence nor was his mother humane enough to
visit her sisterinlaw in her distress
In the method of interment the commodores injunctions were obeyed to a
tittle and at the same time our hero made a donation of fifty pounds to the
poor of the parish as a benefaction which his uncle had forgot to bequeath
Having performed these obsequies with the most pious punctuality he
examined the will to which there was no addition since it had been first
executed adjusted the payment of all the legacies and being sole executor
took an account of the estate to which he had succeeded and which after all
deductions amounted to thirty thousand pounds The possession of such a
fortune of which he was absolute master did not at all contribute to the
humiliation of his spirit but inspired him with new ideas of grandeur and
magnificence and elevated his hope to the highest pinnacle of expectation
His domestic affairs being settled he was visited by almost all the
gentlemen of the county who came to pay their compliments of congratulation on
his accession to the estate and some of them offered their good offices towards
a reconciliation betwixt his father and him induced by the general detestation
which was entertained for his brother Gam who was by this time looked upon by
his neighbours as a prodigy of insolence and malice Our young squire thanked
them for their kind proposal which he accepted and old Gamaliel at their
intreaties seemed very well disposed to an accommodation but as he would not
venture to declare himself before he had consulted his wife that favourable
disposition was rendered altogether ineffectual by the instigations of that
implacable woman and our hero resigned all expectation of being reunited to his
fathers house His brother as usual took all opportunities of injuring his
character by false aspersions and stories misrepresented in order to prejudice
his reputation nor was his sister Julia suffered to enjoy her good fortune in
peace Had he undergone such persecution from an alien to his blood the world
would have heard of his revenge but notwithstanding his indignation he was
too much tinctured by the prejudices of consanguinity to lift his arm in
judgment against the son of his own parents and this consideration abridged the
term of his residence at the garison where he had proposed to stay for some
months
Chapter LXXX
The young Gentleman having settled his domestic Affairs arrives in London and
sets up a gay Equipage He meets with Emilia and is introduced to her Uncle
His aunt at the earnest solicitation of Julia and her husband took up her
quarters at the house of that affectionate kinswoman who made it her chief
study to comfort and cherish the disconsolate widow and Jolter in expectation
of the living which was not yet vacant remained in garison in quality of
landsteward upon our heros countryestate As for the lieutenant our young
gentleman communed with him in a serious manner about the commodores proposal
of his taking Mrs Trunnion to wife and Jack being quite tired of the solitary
situation of a batchelor which nothing but the company of his old commander
could have enabled him to support so long far from discovering aversion to the
match observed with an arch smile that it was not the first time he had
commanded a vessel in the absence of Captain Trunnion and therefore if the
widow was willing he would chearfully stand by her helm and as he hoped the
duty would not be of long continuance do his endeavour to steer her safe into
the port where the commodore might come on board and take charge of her again
In consequence of this declaration it was determined that Mr Hatchway
should make his addresses to Mrs Trunnion as soon as decency would permit her
to receive them and Mr Clover and his wife promised to exert their influence
in his behalf Mean while Jack was desired to live at the castle as usual and
assured that it should be put wholly in his possession as soon as he should be
able to accomplish this matrimonial scheme
When Peregrine had settled all these points to his own satisfaction he took
leave of all his friends and repairing to the great city purchased a new
chariot and horses put Pipes and another lacquey into rich liveries took
elegant lodgings in Pallmall and made a most remarkable appearance among
people of fashion It was owing to this equipage and the gaiety of his personal
deportment that common fame which is always a common liar represented him as
a young gentleman who had just succeeded to an estate of five thousand pounds
per annum by the death of an uncle that he was intitled to an equal fortune at
the decease of his own father exclusive of two considerable jointures which
would devolve upon him at the demise of his mother and aunt This report false
and ridiculous as it was he could not find in his heart to contradict not but
that he was sorry to find himself so misrepresented but his vanity would not
allow him to take any step that might diminish his importance in the opinion of
those who courted his acquaintance on the supposition that his circumstances
were actually as affluent as they were said to be Nay so much was he
infatuated by this weakness that he resolved to encourage the deception by
living up to the report and accordingly engaged in the most expensive parties
of pleasure believing that before his present finances should be exhausted
his fortune would be effectually made by the personal accomplishments he should
have occasion to display to the beau monde in the course of his extravagance
In a word vanity and pride were the ruling foibles of our adventurer who
imagined himself sufficiently qualified to retrieve his fortune in various
shapes long before he could have any idea of want or difficulty He thought he
should have it in his power at any time to make prize of a rich heiress or
opulent widow his ambition had already aspired to the heart of a young handsome
duchess dowager to whose acquaintance he had found means to be introduced or
should matrimony chance to be unsuitable to his inclinations he never doubted
that by the interest he might acquire among the nobility he should be favoured
with some lucrative post that would amply recompense him for the liberality of
his disposition There are many young men who entertain the same expectations
with half the reason he had to be so presumptuous
In the midst of these chimerical calculations his passion for Emilia did
not subside but on the contrary began to rage to such an inflammation of
desire that her idea interfered with every other reflection and absolutely
disabled him from prosecuting the other lofty schemes which his imagination had
projected He therefore laid down the honest resolution of visiting her in all
the splendor of his situation in order to practise upon her virtue with all his
art and address to the utmost extent of his influence and fortune Nay so
effectually had his guilty passion absorbd his principles of honour
conscience humanity and regard for the commodores last words that he was
base enough to rejoice at the absence of his friend Godfrey who being then with
his regiment in Ireland could not dive into his purpose or take measures for
frustrating his vicious design
Fraught with these heroic sentiments he determined to set out for Sussex in
his chariot and six attended by his valet de chambre and two footmen and he
was now as sensible that in his last essay he had mistaken his cue he
determined to change his battery and sap the fortress by the most submissive
soft and insinuating behaviour
On the evening that preceded this purposed expedition he went into one of
the boxes at the playhouse as usual to shew himself to the ladies and in
reconnoitring the company through a glass for no other reason but because it
was fashionable to be purblind perceived his mistress very plainly dressed in
one of the seats above the stage talking to another young woman of a very
homely appearance Though his heart beat the alarm with the utmost impatience at
sight of his Emilia he was for some minutes deterred from obeying the impulse
of his love by the presence of some ladies of fashion who he feared would
think the worse of him should they see him make his compliments in public to a
person of her figure Nor would the violence of his inclination have so far
prevailed over his pride as to lead him thither had not he recollected that
his qualityfriends would look upon her as some handsome Abigail with whom he
had an affair of gallantry and of consequence give him credit for the intrigue
Encouraged by this suggestion he complied with the dictates of love and
flew to the place where his charmer sat His air and dress were so remarkable
that it was almost impossible he should have escaped the eyes of a curious
observer especially as he had chosen a time for coming in when his entrance
could not fail to attract the notice of the spectators I mean when the whole
house was hushed in attention to the performance on the stage Emilia
therefore had perceived him at his first approach she found herself discovered
by the direction of his glass and guessing his intention by his abrupt retreat
from the box summoned all her fortitude to her aid and prepared for his
reception He advanced to her with an air of eagerness and joy tempered with
modesty and respect and expressed his satisfaction at seeing her with a
seeming reverence of regard Though she was extremely well pleased at this
unexpected behaviour she suppressed the emotions of her heart and answered his
compliments with affected ease and unconcern such as might denote the good
humour of a person who meets by accident with an indifferent acquaintance After
having certified himself of her own good health he very kindly inquired about
her mother and Miss Sophy gave her to understand that he had lately been
favoured with a letter from Godfrey and that he had actually intended to set
out next morning on a visit to Mrs Gauntlet which now that he was so happy as
to meet with her he would postpone until he should have the pleasure of
attending her to the country After having thanked him for his polite intention
she told him that her mother was expected in town in a few days and that she
herself had come to London some weeks ago to give her attendance upon her aunt
who had been dangerously ill but was now pretty well recovered
Although the conversation of course turned upon general topics during the
entertainment he took all opportunities of being particular with his eyes
through which he conveyed a thousand tender protestations She saw and inwardly
rejoiced at the humility of his looks but far from rewarding it with one
approving glance she industriously avoided this ocular intercourse and rather
coquetted with a young gentleman that ogled her from the opposite box
Peregrines penetration easily detected her sentiments and he was nettled at
her dissimulation which served to confirm him in his unwarrantable designs upon
her person He persisted in his assiduities with indefatigable perseverance
when the play was concluded handed her and her companion to an hackneycoach
and with difficulty was permitted to escort them to the house of Emilias uncle
to whom our hero was introduced by the young lady as an intimate friend of her
brother Godfrey
The old gentleman who was no stranger to the nature of Peregrines
connexion with his sisters family prevailed upon him to stay to supper and
seemed particularly well pleased with his conversation and deportment which by
help of his natural sagacity he wonderfully adapted to the humour of his
entertainer After supper when the ladies were withdrawn and the citizen
called for his pipe our sly adventurer followed his example and though he
abhorred the plant smoaked with an air of infinite satisfaction and expatiated
upon the virtues of tobacco as if he had been deeply concerned in the Virginia
trade In the progress of the discourse he consulted the merchants
disposition and the national debt coming upon the carpet held forth upon the
funds like a professed broker When the alderman complained of the restrictions
and discouragement of trade his guest inveighed against exorbitant duties with
the nature of which he seemed as well acquainted as any commissioner of the
customs so that the uncle was astonished at the extent of his knowledge and
expressed his surprize that a gay young gentleman like him should have found
either leisure or inclination to consider subjects so foreign to the fashionable
amusements of youth
Pickle laid hold on this opportunity to tell him that he was descended from
a race of merchants and that early in life he had made it his business to
instruct himself in the different branches of trade which he not only studied
as his familyprofession but also as the source of all our national riches and
power He then launched out in praise of commerce and the promoters thereof
and by way of contrast employed all his ridicule in drawing such ludicrous
pictures of the manners and education of what is called high life that the
traders sides were shaken by laughter even to the danger of his life and he
looked upon our adventurer as a miracle of sobriety and good sense
Having thus ingratiated himself with the uncle Peregrine took his leave
and next day in the forenoon visited the niece in his chariot after she had
been admonished by her kinsman to behave with circumspection and cautioned
against neglecting or discouraging the addresses of such a valuable admirer
Chapter LXXXI
He prosecutes his Design upon Emilia with great Art and Perseverance
Our adventurer having by his hypocrisy obtained free access to his mistress
began the siege by professing the most sincere contrition for his former
levity and imploring her forgiveness with such earnest supplication that
guarded as she was against his flattering arts she began to believe his
protestations which were even accompanied with tears and abated a good deal of
that severity and distance she had proposed to maintain during this interview
She would not however favour him with the least acknowledgment of a mutual
passion because in the midst of his vows of eternal constancy and truth he
did not mention one syllable of wedlock though he was now intirely master of
his own conduct and this consideration created a doubt which fortified her
against all his attacks yet what her discretion would have concealed was
discovered by her eyes which in spite of all her endeavours breathed forth
complacency and love For her inclination was flattered by her own
selfsufficiency which imputed her admirers silence in that particular to
the hurry and perturbation of his spirits and persuaded her that he could not
possibly regard her with any other than honourable intentions
The insidious lover exulted in the tenderness of her looks from which he
presaged a compleat victory but that he might not overshoot himself by his own
precipitation he would not run the risk of declaring himself until her heart
should be so far entangled within his snares as that neither the suggestions of
honour prudence or pride should be able to disengage it Armed with this
resolution he restrained the impatience of his temper within the limits of the
most delicate deportment and after having solicited and obtained permission to
attend her to the next opera took her by the hand and pressing it to his lips
in the most respectful manner went away leaving her in a most whimsical state
of suspence checquered with an interesting vicissitude of hope and fear
On the appointed day he appeared again about five oclock in the afternoon
and found her native charms so much improved by the advantages of dress that he
was transported with admiration and delight and while he conducted her to the
Haymarket could scarce bridle the impetuosity of his passion so as to observe
the forbearing maxims he had adopted When she entered the pit he had abundance
of food for the gratification of his vanity for in a moment she eclipsed all
the female part of the audience each individual allowing in her own heart that
the stranger was by far the handsomest woman there present except herself
Here it was that our hero enjoyed a double triumph he was vain of this
opportunity to enhance his reputation for gallantry among the ladies of fashion
who knew him and proud of an occasion to display his qualityacquaintance to
Emilia that she might entertain the greater idea of the conquest she had made
and pay the more deference to his importance in the sequel of his addresses
That he might profit as much as possible by this situation he went up and
accosted every person in the pit with whom he ever had the least communication
whispered and laughed with an affected air of familiarity and even bowed at a
distance to some of the nobility on the slender foundation of having stood near
them at court or presented them with a pinch of Rapee at Whites
chocolatehouse
This ridiculous ostentation though now practised with a view of promoting
his design was a weakness that in some degree infected the whole of his
behaviour for nothing gave him so much joy in conversation as an opportunity
of giving the company to understand how well he was with persons of
distinguished rank and character he would often for example observe as it
were occasionally that the duke of G was one of the best natured men in the
world and illustrate his assertion by some instance of his affability in which
he himself was concerned then by an abrupt transition he would repeat some
repartee of lady T and mention a certain bon mot of the earl of C which
was uttered in his hearing
Abundance of young men in this manner make free with the names though
they have never had access to the persons of the nobility but this was not the
case with Peregrine who in consideration of his appearance and supposed
fortune together with the advantage of his introduction was by this time
freely admitted to the tables of the great
In his return with Emilia from the opera though he still maintained the
most scrupulous decorum in his behaviour he plied her with the most passionate
expressions of love squeezed her hand with great fervency protested that his
whole soul was ingrossed by her idea and that he could not exist independent of
her favour Pleased as she was with his warm and pathetic addresses together
with the respectful manner of his making love she yet had prudence and
resolution sufficient to contain her tenderness which was ready to run over
being fortified against his arts by reflecting that if his aim was honourable
it was now his business to declare it On this consideration she refused to
make any serious reply to his earnest expostulations but affected to receive
them as the undetermined effusions of gallantry and good breeding
This fictitious gaiety and good humour though it baffled his hope of
extorting from her an acknowledgment of which he might have taken immediate
advantage nevertheless encouraged him to observe as the chariot passed along
the Strand that the night was far advanced that supper would certainly be
over before they could reach her uncles house and to propose that he should
wait upon her to some place where they might be accommodated with a slight
refreshment She was offended at the freedom of this proposal which however
she treated as a joke thanking him for his courteous offer and assuring him
that when she should be disposed for a taverntreat he alone should have the
opportunity of bestowing it
Her kinsman being engaged with company abroad and her aunt retired to rest
he had the good fortune to enjoy a tête a tête with her during a whole hour
which he employed with such consummate skill that her caution was almost
overcome He not only assailed her with the artillery of sighs vows prayers
and tears but even pawned his honour in behalf of his love He swore with many
imprecations that although her heart were surrendered to him at discretion
there was a principle within him which would never allow him to injure such
innocence and beauty and the transports of his passion had upon this occasion
so far overshot his purpose that if she had demanded an explanation while he
was thus agitated he would have engaged himself to her wish by such ties as he
could not possibly break with any regard to his reputation But from such
expostulation she was deterred partly by pride and partly by the dread of
finding herself mistaken in such an interesting conjecture She therefore
enjoyed the present flattering appearance of her fate was prevailed upon to
accept the jewels which he had purchased with part of his winning at Bath and
with the most inchanting condescension submitted to a warm embrace when he took
his leave after having obtained permission to visit her as often as his
inclination and convenience would permit
In his return to his own lodgings he was buoyed up with his success to an
extravagance of hope already congratulated himself upon his triumph over
Emilias virtue and began to project future conquests among the most dignified
characters of the female sex But his attention was not at all dissipated by
these vain reflections he resolved to concentrate the whole exertion of his
soul upon the execution of his present plan desisted in the mean time from
all other schemes of pleasure interest and ambition and took lodgings in the
city for the more commodious accomplishment of his purpose
While our lovers imagination was thus agreeably regaled his mistress did
not enjoy her expectations without the intervention of doubts and anxiety His
silence touching the final aim of his addresses was a mystery on which she was
afraid of exercising her sagacity and her uncle tormented her with inquiries
into the circumstances of Peregrines professions and deportment Rather than
give this relation the least cause of suspicion which must have cut off all
intercourse betwixt her and her admirer she said every thing which she thought
would satisfy his care and concern for her welfare and in consequence of such
representation she enjoyed without reserve the company of our adventurer who
prosecuted his plan with surprising eagerness and perseverance
Chapter LXXXII
He prevails upon Emilia to accompany him to a Masquerade makes a treacherous
Attempt upon her Affection and meets with a deserved Repulse
Scarce a night elapsed in which he did not conduct her to some public
entertainment and when by dint of his insidious carriage he thought himself
in full possession of her confidence and affection he lay in wait for an
opportunity and hearing her observe in conversation that she had never been at
a masquerade begged leave to attend her to the next ball at the same time
extending his invitation to the young lady in whose company he had found her at
the play she being present when this subject of discourse was introduced He
had flattered himself that this gentlewoman would decline the proposal as she
was a person seemingly of a demure disposition who had been born and bred in
the city where such diversions are looked upon as scenes of lewdness and
debauchery For once however he reckoned without his host curiosity is as
prevalent in the city as at the courtend of the town Emilia no sooner
signified her assent to his proposal than her friend with an air of
satisfaction agreed to make one of the partie and he was obliged to thank her
for that complaisance which laid him under infinite mortification He set his
genius at work to invent some scheme for preventing her unseasonable intrusion
Had an opportunity offered he would have acted as her physician and
administered a medicine that would have laid her under the necessity of staying
at home but his acquaintance with her being too slight to furnish him with the
means of executing this expedient he devised another which was practised with
all imaginable success Understanding that her grandmother had left her a sum of
money independent of her parents he conveyed a letter to her mother
intimating that her daughter on pretence of going to the masquerade intended
to bestow herself in marriage to a certain person and that in a few days she
would be informed of the circumstances of the whole intrigue provided she would
keep this information secret and contrive some excuse for detaining the young
lady at home without giving her cause to believe she was apprized of her
intention This billet subscribed Your wellwisher and unknown humble servant
had the desired effect upon the careful matron who on the ballday feigned
herself so extremely ill that miss could not with any decency quit her
mammas apartment and therefore sent her apology to Emilia in the afternoon
immediately after the arrival of Peregrine who pretended to be very much
afflicted with the disappointment while his heart throbbed with a transport of
joy
About ten oclock the lovers set out for the Haymarket he being dressed in
the habit of Pantaloon and she in that of Columbine and they had scarce
entered the house when the music struck up the curtain was withdrawn and the
whole scene displayed at once to the admiration of Emilia whose expectation
was infinitely surpassed by this exhibition Our gallant having conducted her
through all the different apartments and described the oeconomy of the place
led her into the circle and in their turn they danced several minuets then
going to the sideboard he prevailed upon her to eat some sweetmeets and drink a
glass of Champagne and after a second review of the company they engaged in
countrydances at which exercise they continued until our adventurer
concluded that his partners blood was sufficiently warmed for the prosecution
of his design On this supposition which was built upon her declaring that she
was thirsty and fatigued he persuaded her to take a little refreshment and
repose and for that purpose handed her down stairs into the eatingroom where
having seated her on the floor he presented her with a glass of wine and water
and as she complained of being faint enriched the draught with some drops of a
certain elixir which he recommended as a most excellent restorative though it
was no other than a stimulating tincture which he had treacherously provided
for the occasion Having swallowed this potion by which her spirits were
manifestly exhilerated she ate a slice of ham with the wing of a cold pullet
and concluded the meal with a glass of Burgundy which she drank at the earnest
intreaty of her admirer These extraordinary cordials cooperating with the
ferment of her blood which was heated by violent motion could not fail to
affect the constitution of a delicate young creature who was naturally
sprightly and volatile Her eyes began to sparkle with unusual fire and
vivacity a thousand brilliant sallies of wit escaped her and every mask that
accosted her underwent some smarting repartee
Peregrine overjoyed at the success of his administration proposed that
they should resume their places at the countrydances with a view to promote
and assist the efficacy of his elixir and when he thought her disposition was
properly adapted for the theme began to ply her with all the elocution of love
In order to elevate his own spirits to that pitch of resolution which his scheme
required he drank two whole bottles of Burgundy which inflamed his passion to
such a degree that he found himself capable of undertaking and perpetrating any
scheme for the gratification of his desire
Emilia warmed by so many concurring incentives in favour of the man she
loved abated considerably of her wonted reserve listened to his protestations
with undissembled pleasure and in the confidence of her satisfaction even
owned him absolute master of her affections Ravished with this confession he
now deemed himself on the brink of reaping the delicious fruits of his art and
assiduity and the morning being already pretty far advanced assented with
rapture to the first proposal she made of retiring to her lodgings The blinds
of the chariot being pulled up he took advantage of the favourable situation of
her thoughts and on pretence of being whimsical in consequence of the wine he
had swallowed clasped her in his arms and imprinted a thousand kisses on her
pouting lips a freedom which she pardoned as the privilege of intoxication
While he thus indulged himself with impunity the carriage halted and Pipes
opening the door his master handed her into the passage before she perceived
that it was not her uncles house at which they had alighted
Alarmed at this discovery she with some confusion desired to know his
reason for conducting her to a strange place at these hours but he made no
reply until he had led her into an apartment when he gave her to understand
that as her uncles family must be disturbed by her going thither so late in the
night and the streets near Templebar were infested by a multitude of robbers
and cutthroats he had ordered his coachman to halt at this house which was
kept by a relation of his a mighty good sort of a gentlewoman who was proud of
an opportunity to accommodate a person for whom he was known to entertain such
tenderness and esteem
Emilia had too much penetration to be imposed upon by this plausible
pretext in spite of her partiality for Peregrine which had never been inflamed
to such a pitch of complacency before she comprehended his whole plan in a
twinkling and though her blood boiled with indignation thanked him with an
affected air of serenity for his kind concern and expressed her obligation to
his cousin but at the same time insisted upon going home lest her absence
should terrify her uncle and aunt who she knew would not retire to rest till
her return
He urged her with a thousand remonstrances to consult her own ease and
safety promising to send Pipes into the city for the satisfaction of her
relations but finding her obstinately deaf to his intreaties he assured her
that he would in a few minutes comply with her request and in the mean time
beggd she would fortify herself against the cold with a cordial which he
poured out in her presence and which now that her suspicion was aroused she
refused to taste notwithstanding all his importunities He then fell upon his
knees before her and the tears gushing from his eyes swore that his passion
was wound up to such a pitch of impatience that he could no longer live upon
the unsubstantial food of expectation and that if she would not vouchsafe to
crown his happiness he would forthwith sacrifice himself to her disdain Such
an abrupt address accompanied with all the symptoms of frantic agitation could
not fail to perplex and affright the gentle Emilia who after some
recollection replied with a resolute tone that she could not see what reason
he had to complain of her reserve which she was not at liberty to lay intirely
aside until he should have avowed his intentions in form and obtained the
sanction of those whom it was her duty to obey »Divine creature cried he
seizing her hand and pressing it to his lips it is from you alone I hope for
that condescension which would overwhelm me with transports of celestial bliss
The sentiments of parents are sordid silly and confined seek not then to
subject my passion to such low restrictions as were calculated for the purposes
of common life My love is too delicate and refined to wear those vulgar
fetters which serve only to destroy the merit of voluntary affection and to
upbraid a man incessantly with the articles of compulsion under which he lies
My dear angel spare me the mortification of being compelled to love you and
reign sole empress of my heart and fortune I will not affront you so much as to
talk of settlements my all is at your disposal In this pocketbook are notes
to the amount of two thousand pounds do me the pleasure to accept of them
tomorrow I will lay ten thousand more in your lap In a word you shall be
mistress of my whole estate and I shall think myself happy in living dependent
on your bounty«
Heavens what were the emotions of the virtuous the sensible the delicate
the tender Emilias heart when she heard this insolent declaration from the
mouth of a man whom she had honoured with her affection and esteem It was not
simply horror grief or indignation that she felt in consequence of this
unworthy treatment but the united pangs of all together which produced a sort
of hysteric laugh while she told him that she could not help admiring his
generosity
Deceived by this convulsion and the ironical compliment that attended it
the lover thought he had already made great progress in his operations and that
it was now his business to storm the fort by a vigorous assault that he might
spare her the confusion of yielding without resistance Possessed by this vain
suggestion he started up and folding her in his arms began to obey the
furious dictates of his unruly and ungenerous desire upon which with an air of
cool determination she demanded a parley and when upon her repeated request
he granted it addressed herself to him in these words while her eyes gleamed
with all the dignity of the most awful resentment »Sir I scorn to upbraid you
with a repetition of your former vows and protestations nor will I recapitulate
the little arts you have practised to ensnare my heart because though by dint
of the most perfidious dissimulation you have found means to deceive my
opinion your utmost efforts have never been able to lull the vigilance of my
conduct or to engage my affection beyond the power of discarding you without a
tear whenever my honour should demand such a sacrifice Sir you are unworthy
of my concern or regret and the sigh that now struggles from my breast is the
result of sorrow for my own want of discernment As for your present attempt
upon my chastity I despise your power as I detest your intention Though
under the mask of the most delicate respect you have decoyed me from the
immediate protection of my friends and contrived other impious stratagems to
ruin my peace and reputation I confide too much in my own innocence and the
authority of the law to admit one thought of fear much less to sink under the
horror of this shocking situation into which I have been seduced Sir your
behaviour on this occasion is in all respects low and contemptible for
ruffian as you are you durst not harbour one thought of executing your
execrable scheme while you knew my brother was near enough to prevent or
revenge the insult so that you must not only be a treacherous villain but also
a most despicable coward« Having expressed herself in this manner with a most
majestic severity of aspect she opened the door and walked down stairs with
surprising resolution committed herself to the care of a watchman who
accommodated her with a hackneychair in which she was safely conveyed to her
uncles house
Mean while the lover was so confounded and overawed by these cutting
reproaches and her animated behaviour that all his resolution forsook him and
he found himself not only incapable of obstructing her retreat but even of
uttering one syllable to deprecate her wrath or extenuate the guilt of his own
conduct The nature of his disappointment and the keen remorse that seized him
when he reflected upon the dishonourable predicament in which his character
stood with Emilia raised such perturbation in his mind that his silence was
succeeded by a violent fit of distraction during which he raved like a
Bedlamite and acted a thousand extravagancies which convinced the people of
the house a certain bagnio that he had actually lost his wits Pipes with
great concern adopted the same opinion and being assisted by the waiters
hindered him by main force from running out and pursuing the fair fugitive
whom in his delirium he alternately cursed and commended with horrid
imprecations and lavish applause His faithful valet having waited two whole
hours in hope of seeing this gust of passion overblown and perceiving that the
paroxysm seemed rather to increase very prudently sent for a physician of his
masters acquaintance who having considered the circumstances and symptoms of
the disorder directed that he should be plentifully blooded without loss of
time and prescribed a draught to compose the tumult of his spirits These
orders being punctually performed he grew more calm and tractable recovered
his reflection so far as to be ashamed of the extasy he had undergone suffered
himself quietly to be undressed and put to bed where the fatigue occasioned by
his exercise at the masquerade cooperated with the present dissipation of his
spirits to lull him in a profound sleep which greatly tended to the
preservation of his intellects not that he found himself in a state of perfect
tranquillity when he waked about noon the remembrance of what had passed
overwhelmed him with mortification Emilias invectives still sounded in his
ears and while he deeply resented her disdain he could not help admiring her
spirit and in his heart did homage to her charms
Chapter LXXXIII
He endeavours to reconcile himself to his Mistress and expostulates with the
Uncle who forbids him the House
In this state of division he went home to his own lodgings in a chair and
while he deliberated with himself whether he should relinquish the pursuit and
endeavour to banish her idea from his breast or go immediately and humble
himself before his exasperated mistress and offer his hand as an atonement for
his crime his servant put in his hand a packet which had been delivered by a
ticketporter at the door He no sooner perceived that the superscription was in
Emilias handwriting than he guessed the nature of the contents and opening
the seal with disordered eagerness found the jewels he had given to her
inclosed in a billet couched in these words
»That I may have no cause to reproach myself with having retained the
least memorial of a wretch whom I equally despise and abhor I take this
opportunity of restoring these ineffectual instruments of his infamous
design upon the honour of
EMILIA«
His chagrin was so much galled and inflamed by the bitterness of this
contemptuous message that he gnawed his fingers till the blood ran over his
nails and even wept with vexation Sometimes he vowed revenge against her
haughty virtue and reviled himself for his precipitate declaration before his
scheme was brought to maturity then he would consider her behaviour with
reverence and regard and bow before the irresistible power of her attractions
In short his breast was torn by conflicting passions love shame and remorse
contended with vanity ambition and revenge and the superiority was still
doubtful when headstrong desire interposed and decided in favour of an attempt
towards a reconciliation with the offended fair
Impelled by this motive he set out in the afternoon for the house of her
uncle not without hopes of that tender enjoyment which never fails to attend
an accommodation betwixt two lovers of taste and sensibility Though the
consciousness of his trespass encumbered him with an air of awkward confusion
he was too confident of his own qualifications and address to despair of
forgiveness and by that time he arrived at the citizens gate he had conned a
very artful and pathetic harangue which he proposed to utter in his own behalf
laying the blame of his conduct on the impetuosity of his passion incensed by
the Burgundy which he had too liberally drank but he did not meet with an
opportunity to avail himself of this preparation Emilia suspecting that he
would take some step of this kind to retrieve her favour had gone abroad on
pretence of visiting after having signified to her kinsman her resolution to
avoid the company of Peregrine on account of some ambiguities which she said
were last night remarkable in his demeanour at the masquerade She chose to
insinuate her suspicions in these hints rather than give an explicit detail of
the young mans dishonourable contrivance which might have kindled the
resentment of the family to some dangerous pitch of animosity and revenge
Our adventurer finding himself baffled in his expectation of seeing her
inquired for the old gentleman with whom he thought he had influence enough to
make his apology good in case he should find him prepossessed by the young
ladys information But here too he was disappointed the uncle had gone to dine
in the country and his wife was indisposed so that he had no pretext for
staying in the house till the return of his charmer Being however fruitful
of expedients he dismissed his chariot and took possession of a room in a
tavern the windows of which fronted the merchants gate and there he proposed
to watch until he should see her approach This scheme he put in practice with
indefatigable patience though it was not attended with the expected success
Emilia whose caution was equally vigilant and commendable foreseeing that
she might be exposed to the fertility of his invention came home by a private
passage and entered by a postern which was altogether unknown to her admirer
and her uncle did not arrive until it was so late that he could not with any
decency demand a conference
Next morning he did not fail to present himself at the door and his
mistress being denied by her own express direction insisted upon seeing the
master of the house who received him with such coldness of civility as plainly
gave him to understand that he was acquainted with the displeasure of his
niece He therefore with an air of candour told the citizen he could easily
perceive by his behaviour that he was the confidant of Miss Emily of whom he
was come to ask pardon for the offence he had given and did not doubt if he
could be admitted to her presence that he should be able to convince her that
he had not erred intentionally or at least propose such reparation as would
effectually atone for his fault
To this remonstrance the merchant without any ceremony or circumlocution
answered that though he was ignorant of the nature of his offence he was very
certain that it must have been something very flagrant that could irritate his
niece to such a degree against a person for whom she had formerly a most
particular regard He owned she had declared her intention to renounce his
acquaintance for ever and doubtless she had good reason for so doing neither
would he undertake to promote an accommodation unless he would give him full
power to treat on the score of matrimony which he supposed would be the only
means of evincing his own sincerity and obtaining Emilias forgiveness
Peregrines pride was kindled by this blunt declaration which he could not
help considering as the result of a scheme concerted betwixt the young lady and
her uncle in order to take the advantage of his heat He therefore replied
with manifest signs of disgust that he did not apprehend there was any occasion
for a mediator to reconcile the difference betwixt Emilia and him and that all
he desired was an opportunity of pleading in his own behalf
The citizen frankly told him that as his niece had expressed an earnest
desire of avoiding his company he would not put the least constraint upon her
inclination and in the mean time gave him to know that he was particularly
engaged
Our hero glowing with indignation at this supercilious treatment »I was in
the wrong said he to look for good manners so far on this side of Templebar
but you must give me leave to tell you Sir that unless I am favoured with an
interview with Miss Gauntlet I shall conclude that you have actually laid a
constraint upon her inclination for some sinister purposes of your own« »Sir
replied the old gentleman you are welcome to make what conclusions shall seem
good unto your own imagination but pray be so good as to allow me the
privilege of being master in my own house« So saying he very complaisantly
shewed him to the door and our lover being diffident of his own temper as
well as afraid of being used with greater indignity in a place where his
personal prowess would only serve to heighten his disgrace quitted the house in
a transport of rage which he could not wholly suppress telling the landlord
that if his age did not protect him he would have chastised him for his
insolent behaviour
Chapter LXXXIV
He projects a violent Scheme in consequence of which he is involved in a most
fatiguing Adventure which greatly tends towards the Augmentation of his Chagrin
Thus debarred of personal communication with his mistress he essayed to
retrieve her good graces by the most submissive and pathetic letters which he
conveyed by divers artifices to her perusal but reaping no manner of benefit
from these endeavours his passion acquired a degree of impatience little
inferior to downright frenzy and he determined to run every risk of life
fortune and reputation rather than desist from his unjustifiable pursuit
Indeed his resentment was now as deeply concerned as his love and each of these
passions equally turbulent and loud in demanding gratification He kept
centinels continually in pay to give him notice of her outgoings in
expectation of finding some opportunity to carry her off but her circumspection
entirely frustrated this design for she suspected every thing of that sort from
a disposition like his and regulated her motions accordingly
Baffled by her prudence and penetration he altered his plan and on
pretence of being called to his countryhouse by some affair of importance he
departed from London and taking lodgings at a farmers house that stood near
the road through which she must have necessarily passed in her return to her
mother concealed himself from all intercourse except with his valet de chambre
and Pipes who had orders to scour the country and reconnoitre every horse
coach or carriage that should appear on that high way with a view of
intercepting his Amanda in her passage
He had waited in this ambuscade a whole week when his valet gave him
notice that he and his fellowscout had discovered a chaise and six driving at
full speed towards them upon which they had flapped their hats over their
eyes so as that they might not be known in case they should be seen and
concealed themselves behind a hedge from whence they could perceive in the
carriage as it passed a young man plainly dressed with a lady in a mask of
the exact size shape and air of Emilia and that Pipes followed them at a
distance while he rode back to communicate this piece of intelligence
Peregrine would scarce allow him time to conclude his information he ran
down to the stable where his horse was kept ready saddled for the purpose and
never doubting that the lady in question was his mistress attended by one of
her uncles clerks mounted immediately and rode full gallop after the chaise
which when he had proceeded about two miles he understood from Pipes had put
up at a neighbouring inn Though his inclination prompted him to enter her
apartment without farther delay he suffered himself to be dissuaded from taking
such a precipitate step by his privy counsellor who observed that it would be
impracticable to execute his purpose of conveying her against her will from a
public inn that stood in the midst of a populous village which would
infallibly rise in her defence and advised him to lie in wait for the chaise
in some remote and private part of the road where they might accomplish their
aim without difficulty or danger In consequence of this admonition our
adventurer ordered Pipes to reconnoitre the inn that she might not escape
another way while he and the valet in order to avoid being seen took a
circuit by an unfrequented path and placed themselves in ambush on a spot
which they chose for the scene of their atchievement Here they tarried a full
hour without seeing the carriage or hearing from their centinel so that the
youth unable to exert his patience one moment longer left the foreigner in his
station and rode back to his faithful lacquey who assured him that the
travellers had not yet hove up their anchor or proceeded on their voyage
Notwithstanding this intimation Pickle began to entertain such alarming
suspicions that he could not refrain from advancing to the gate and inquiring
for the company which had lately arrived in a chaise and six The innkeeper
who was not at all pleased with the behaviour of those passengers did not think
proper to observe the instructions he had received on the contrary he plainly
told him that the chaise did not halt but only entered at one door and went
out at the other with a view to deceive those who pursued it as he guessed
from the words of the gentleman who had earnestly desired that his route might
be concealed from any person who should inquire about their motions »As for my
own peart measter continued this charitable publican I believes as how they
are no better than they should be else they wouldnt be in such a deadly fear
of being overtaken Methinks said I when I saw them in such a woundy pother
to be gone oddsheartikins this must be some Lundon prentice running away with
his measters daughter as sure as Im a living soul But be he who will
sartain it is a has nothing of the gentleman about en for thof a axed such a
favour a never once put hand in pocket or said »Dog will you drink«
Howsomever that dont argufy in reverence of his being in a hurry and a man
may be sometimes a little too judgmatical in his conjunctures« In all
probability this loquacious landlord would have served the travellers
effectually had Peregrine heard him to an end but this impetuous youth far
from listening to the sequel of his observations interrupted him in the
beginning of his career by asking eagerly which road they followed and having
received the innkeepers directions clappd spurs to his horse commanding
Pipes to make the valet acquainted with his course that they might attend him
with all imaginable dispatch
By the publicans account of their conduct his former opinion was fully
confirmed he plied his steed to the height of his mettle and so much was his
imagination ingrossed by the prospect of having Emilia in his power that he did
not perceive the road on which he travelled was quite different from that which
led to the habitation of Mrs Gauntlet The valet de chambre was an utter
stranger to that part of the country and as for Mr Pipes such considerations
were altogether foreign to the oeconomy of his reflection
Ten long miles had our hero rode when his eyes were blessed with the sight
of the chaise ascending an hill at the distance of a good league upon which
he doubled his diligence in such a manner that he gained upon the carriage
every minute and at length approached so near to it that he could discern the
lady and her conductor with their heads thrust out at the windows looking
back and speaking to the driver alternately as if they earnestly besought him
to augment the speed of his cattle
Being thus as it were in sight of port while he crossed the road his
horse happened to plunge into a cartrut with such violence that he was thrown
several yards over his head and the beasts shoulder being slipt by the fall
he found himself disabled from plucking the fruit which was almost within his
reach for he had left his servants at a considerable distance behind him and
although they had been at his back and supplied him with another horse they
were so indifferently mounted that he could not reasonably expect to overtake
the flyers who profited so much by this disaster that the chaise vanished in a
moment
It may be easily conceived how a young man of his disposition passed his
time in this tantalizing situation He ejaculated with great fervency but his
prayers were not the effects of resignation He ran back on foot with incredible
speed in order to meet his valet whom he unhorsed in a twinkling and taking
his seat began to exercise his whip and spurs after having ordered the Swiss
to follow him on the other gelding and commit the lame hunter to the care of
Pipes
Matters being adjusted in this manner our adventurer prosecuted the race
with all his might and having made some progress was informed by a countryman
that the chaise had struck off into another road and according to his
judgment was by that time about three miles ahead though in all probability
the horses would not be able to hold out much longer because they seemed to be
quite spent when they passed his door Encouraged by this intimation Peregrine
pushed on with great alacrity though he could not regain sight of the desired
object till the clouds of night began to deepen and even then he enjoyed
nothing more than a transient glimpse for the carriage was no sooner seen than
shrouded again from his view These vexatious circumstances animated his
endeavours while they irritated his chagrin and in short he continued his
pursuit till the night was far advanced and himself so uncertain about the
object of his care that he entered a solitary inn with a view of obtaining
some intelligence and to his infinite joy perceived the chaise standing by
itself and the horses panting in the yard In full confidence of his having
arrived at last at the goal of all his wishes he alighted instantaneously and
running up to the coachman with a pistol in his hand commanded him in an
imperious tone to conduct him to the ladys chamber on pain of death The
driver affrighted at this menacing address protested with great humility that
he did not know whither his fare had retired for that he himself was paid and
dismissed from this service because he would not undertake to drive them all
night cross the country without stopping to refresh his horses but he promised
to go in quest of the waiter who would shew him to their apartment He was
accordingly detached on that errand while our hero stood centinel at the gate
till the arrival of his valet de chambre who joining him by accident before
the coachman returned relieved him in his watch and then the young gentleman
exasperated at his messengers delay rushed with fury in his eyes from room to
room denouncing vengeance upon the whole family but he did not meet with one
living soul until he entered the garret where he found the landlord and his
wife in bed This chickenhearted couple by the light of a rushcandle that
burned on the hearth seeing a stranger burst into the chamber in such a
terrible attitude were seized with consternation and exalting their voices in
a most lamentable strain beggd for the passion of Christ that he would spare
their lives and take all they had
Peregrine guessing from this exclamation and the circumstance of their
being abed that they mistook him for a robber and were ignorant of that which
he wanted to know dispelled their terror by making them acquainted with the
cause of his visit and desired the husband to get up with all possible
dispatch in order to assist and attend him in his search
Thus reinforced he rummaged every corner of the inn and at last finding
the ostler in the stable was by him informed to his unspeakable
mortification that the gentleman and lady who arrived in the chaise had
immediately hired posthorses for a certain village at the distance of fifteen
miles and departed without halting for the least refreshment Our adventurer
mad with his disappointment mounted his horse in an instant and with his
attendant took the same road with full determination to die rather than
desist from the prosecution of his design He had by this time rode upwards of
thirty miles since three oclock in the afternoon so that the horses were
almost quite jaded and travelled this stage so slowly that it was morning
before they reached the place of their destination where far from finding the
fugitives he understood that no such persons as he described had passed that
way and that in all likelihood they had taken a quite contrary direction
while in order to mislead him in his pursuit they had amused the ostler with a
false route This conjecture was strengthened by his perceiving now for the
first time that he had deviated a considerable way from the road through which
they must have journeyed in order to arrive at the place of her mothers
residence and these suggestions utterly deprived him of the small remains of
recollection which he had hitherto retained His eyes rolled about witnessing
rage and distraction he foamed at the mouth stamped upon the ground with great
violence uttered incoherent imprecations against himself and all mankind and
would have sallied forth again he knew not whither upon the same horse which
he had already almost killed with fatigue had not his confidant found means to
quiet the tumult of his thoughts and recal his reflection by representing the
condition of the poor animals and advising him to hire fresh horses and ride
post across the country to the village in the neighbourhood of Mrs Gauntlets
habitation where they should infallibly intercept the daughter provided they
could get the start of her upon the road
Peregrine not only relished but forthwith acted in conformity with this
good counsel His own horses were committed to the charge of the landlord with
directions for Pipes in case he should come thither in quest of his master and
a couple of stout geldings being prepared he and his valet took the road again
steering their course according to the motions of the postboy who undertook to
be their guide They had almost finished the first stage when they descried a
postchaise just halting at the inn where they proposed to change horses upon
which our adventurer glowing with a most interesting presage put his beast to
the full speed and approached near enough to distinguish as the travellers
quitted the carriage that he had at last come up with the very individual
persons whom he had pursued so long
Flushed with the discovery he galloped into the yard so suddenly that the
lady and her conductor scarce had time to shut themselves up in a chamber to
which they retreated with great precipitation so that the pursuer was now
certain of having housed his prey That he might however leave nothing to
fortune he placed himself upon the stair by which they had ascended to the
apartment and sent up his compliments to the young lady desiring the favour of
being admitted to her presence otherwise he should be obliged to wave all
ceremony and take that liberty which she would not give The servant having
conveyed this message through the keyhole returned with an answer importing
that she would adhere to the resolution she had taken and perish rather than
comply with his will Our adventurer without staying to make any rejoinder to
this reply ran up stairs and thundering at the door for entrance was given to
understand by the nymphs attendant that a blunderbuss was ready primed for his
reception and that he would do well to spare him the necessity of shedding
blood in defence of a person who had put herself under his protection »All the
laws of the land said he cannot now untie the knots by which we are bound
together and therefore I will guard her as my own property so that you had
better desist from your fruitless attempt and thereby consult your own safety
for by the God that made me I will discharge my piece upon you as soon as you
set your nose within the door and your blood be upon your own head« These
menaces from a citizens clerk would have been sufficient motives for Pickle to
storm the breach although they had not been reinforced by that declaration
which informed him of Emilias having bestowed herself in marriage upon such a
contemptible rival This sole consideration added wings to his impetuosity and
he applied his foot to the door with such irresistible force as bursted it open
in an instant entering at the same time with a pistol ready cockd in his hand
His antagonist instead of firing his blunderbuss when he saw him approach
started back with evident signs of surprize and consternation exclaiming
»Lord Jesus Sir you are not the man and without doubt are under some
mistake with regard to us«
Before Peregrine had time to answer this salutation the lady hearing it
advanced to him and pulling off a mask discovered a face which he had never
seen before The Gorgons head according to the fables of antiquity never had
a more instantaneous or petrifying effect than that which this countenance
produced upon the astonished youth His eyes were fixed upon this unknown
object as if they had been attracted by the power of inchantment his feet
seemed rivetted to the ground and after having stood motionless for the space
of a few minutes he dropped down in an apoplexy of disappointment and despair
The Swiss who had followed him seeing his master in this condition lifted him
up and laying him upon a bed in the next room let him blood immediately
without hesitation being always provided with a case of lancets against all
accidents on the road To this foresight our hero in all probability was
indebted for his life By virtue of a very copious evacuation he recovered the
use of his senses but the complication of fatigues and violent transports
which he had undergone brewed up a dangerous fever in his blood and a
physician being called from the next markettown several days elapsed before he
would answer for his life
Chapter LXXXV
Peregrine sends a Message to Mrs Gauntlet who rejects his Proposal He repairs
to the Garison
At length however his constitution overcame his disease though not before it
had in a great measure tamed the fury of his disposition and brought him to a
serious consideration of his conduct In this humiliation of his spirits he
reflected with shame and remorse upon his treachery to the fair the innocent
Emilia he remembered his former sentiments in her favour as well as the
injunctions of his dying uncle he recollected his intimacy with her brother
against which he had so basely sinned and revolving all the circumstances of
her conduct found it so commendable spirited and noble that he deemed her an
object of sufficient dignity to merit his honourable addresses even though his
duty had not been concerned in the decision but obligated as he was to make
reparation to a worthy family which he had so grosly injured he thought he
could not manifest his reformation too soon and whenever he found himself able
to hold the pen wrote a letter to Mrs Gauntlet wherein he acknowledged with
many expressions of sorrow and contrition that he had acted a part altogether
unbecoming a man of honour and should never enjoy the least tranquillity of
mind until he should have merited her forgiveness He protested that although
his happiness intirely depended upon the determination of Emilia he would even
renounce all hope of being blessed with her favour if she could point out any
other method of making reparation to that amiable young lady but by laying his
heart and fortune at her feet and submitting himself to her pleasure during the
remaining part of his life He conjured her therefore in the most pathetic
manner to pardon him in consideration of his sincere repentance and use her
maternal influence with her daughter so as that he might be permitted to wait
upon her with a weddingring as soon as his health would allow him to undertake
the journey
This explanation being dispatched by Pipes who had by this time found his
master the young gentleman inquired about the couple whom he had so
unfortunately pursued and understood from his valet de chambre who learnd the
story from their own mouths that the lady was the only daughter of a rich Jew
and her attendant no other than his apprentice who had converted her to
christianity and married her at the same time that this secret having taken
air the old Israelite had contrived a scheme to separate them for ever and
they being apprized of his intention had found means to elope from his house
with a view of sheltering themselves in France until the affair could be made
up that seeing three men ride after them with such eagerness and speed they
never doubted that the pursuers were her father accompanied by some friends or
domestics and on that supposition had fled with the utmost dispatch and
trepidation until they had found themselves happily undeceived at that very
instant when they expected nothing but mischief and misfortune and lastly the
Swiss gave him to understand that after having professed some concern for his
deplorable situation and enjoyed a slight refreshment they had taken their
departure for Dover and in all likelihood were safely arrived at Paris
In four and twenty hours after Pipes was charged with his commission he
brought back an answer from the mother of Emilia couched in these words
»Sir
I received the favour of yours and am glad for your own sake that
you have attained a due sense and conviction of your unkind and
unchristian behaviour to poor Emy I thank God none of my children were
ever so insulted before Give me leave to tell you Sir my daughter was
no upstart without friends or education but a young lady as well bred
and better born than most private gentlewomen in the kingdom and
therefore though you had no esteem for her person you ought to have
paid some regard to her family which no disparagement to you Sir is
more honourable than your own As for your proposal Miss Gauntlet will
not hear of it being that she thinks her honour will not allow her to
listen to any terms of reconciliation and she is not yet so destitute
as to embrace an offer to which she has the least objection In the mean
time she is so much indisposed that she cannot possibly see company
so I beg you will not take the trouble of making a fruitless journey to
this place Perhaps your future conduct may deserve her forgiveness and
really as I am concerned for your happiness which you assure me
depends upon her condescension I wish with all my heart it may and am
notwithstanding all that has happened
Your sincere wellwisher
CECILIA GAUNTLET«
From this epistle and the information of his messenger our hero learnd that
his mistress had actually profited by his wildgoosechace so as to make a safe
retreat to her mothers house and though sorry to hear of her indisposition
he was also piqued at her implacability as well as at some stately paragraphs
of the letter in which he thought the good lady had consulted her own vanity
rather than her good sense These motives of resentment helped him to bear his
disappointment like a philosopher especially as he had now quieted his
conscience in proffering to redress the injury he had done and moreover
found himself with regard to his love in a calm state of hope and resignation
A seasonable fit of illness is an excellent medicine for the turbulence of
passion Such a reformation had the fever produced in the oeconomy of his
thoughts that he moralized like an apostle and projected several prudential
schemes for his future conduct
In the mean time as soon as his health was sufficiently reestablished he
took a trip to the garison in order to visit his friends and learnd from
Hatchways own mouth that he had broke the ice of courtship to his aunt and
that his addresses were now fairly afloat though when he first declared himself
to the widow after she had been duly prepared for the occasion by her niece
and the rest of her friends she had received his proposal with a becoming
reserve and piously wept at the remembrance of her husband observing that she
should never meet with his fellow
Peregrine promoted the lieutenants suit with all his influence and all
Mrs Trunnions objections to the match being surmounted it was determined
that the day of marriage should be put off for three months that her reputation
might not suffer by a precipitate engagement His next care was to give orders
for erecting a plain marble monument to the memory of his uncle on which the
following inscription composed by the bridegroom actually appeared in golden
letters
Here lies
Foundered in a fathom and an half
The Shell
Of
HAWSER TRUNNION Esq
Formerly commander of a squadron
In his Majestys service
Who broachd to at five PM Octr X
In the year of his age
Threescore and nineteen
He kept his guns always loaded
And his tackle ready manned
And never shewed his poop to the enemy
Except when he took her in tow
But his shot being expended
His match burnt out
And his upper works decayed
He was sunk
By deaths superior weight of metal
Nevertheless
He will be weighed again
At the Great Day
His rigging refitted
And his timbers repaired
And with one broadside
Make his adversary
Strike in his turn
Chapter LXXXVI
He returns to London and meets with Cadwallader who entertains him with a
curious Dialogue
The young gentleman having performed these last offices in honour of his
deceased benefactor and presented Mr Jolter to the longexpected living which
at this time happened to be vacant returned to London and resumed his former
gaiety not that he was able to shake Emilia from his thoughts or even to
remember her without violent emotions for as he recovered his vigour his
former impatience recurred and therefore he resolved to plunge himself headlong
into some intrigue that might engage his passions and amuse his imagination
A man of his accomplishments could not fail to meet with a variety of
subjects on which his gallantry would have been properly exercised and this
abundance distracted his choice which at any time was apt to be influenced by
caprice and whim I have already observed that he had lifted his view through
a matrimonial perspective as high as a lady of the first quality and
distinction and now that he was refused by Miss Gauntlet and enjoyed a little
respite from the agonies of that flame which her charms had kindled in his
heart he renewed his assiduities to her grace and though he durst not yet
risk an explanation enjoyed the pleasure of seeing himself so well received in
quality of a particular acquaintance that he flattered himself with the belief
of his having made some progress in her heart and was confirmed in this
conceited notion by the assurances of her woman whom by liberal largesses he
retained in his interest because she found means to persuade him that she was
in the confidence of her lady But notwithstanding this encouragement and the
sanguine suggestions of his own vanity he dreaded the thoughts of exposing
himself to her ridicule and resentment by a premature declaration and
determined to postpone his addresses until he should be more certified of the
probability of succeeding in his attempt
While he remained in this hesitation and suspence he was one morning very
agreeably surprized with the appearance of his friend Crabtree who by the
permission of Pipes to whom he was well known entered his chamber before he
was awake and by a violent shake of the shoulder disengaged him from the arms
of sleep The first compliments having mutually passed Cadwallader gave him to
understand that he had arrived in town overnight in the stagecoach from Bath
and entertained him with such a ludicrous account of his fellowtravellers that
Peregrine for the first time since their parting indulged himself in mirth
even to the hazard of suffocation
This relation was confined to a curious dialogue that passed betwixt a
woollendraper and his wife who were his only companions during the best part
of the journey The lady laboured under a Diabetes in consequence of having
used the waters injudiciously for another complaint and that she might not be
an impediment to the carriage by ordering it to halt as often as she should
have occasion to disembogue she had provided herself with a leathern
convenience which her husband carried in the pocket of his great coat
conveying it privately to her when she found herself necessitated to use it
and afterwards taking the opportunity to empty it out at the window when the
Misanthropes head chanced to be turned another way
As this couple embarked with Crabtree in the full persuasion of his being
utterly bereft of the sense of hearing they kept no sort of reserve in their
conversation and at last fairly quarrelled on account of the good mans want
of alertness in handing the commodity when his helpmates occasions were so
extremely pressing that her floodgates gave way before she was prepared for
the irruption Smarting with this disagreeable circumstance »Odds plague you
nincompoop cried she you have fumbled so long about the pot that I have
drenched myself all over I wish to God you had received the stream in your
mouth« »I thank you for your goodwill my dear answered the patient husband
you would promote me to the honour of being a pissingpost« »Im sure
retorted his yokefellow snatching the utensil from his hand you are fit for
no other post and accordingly suffer yourself to be pissd upon by every
body Witness your pitiful behaviour at the EO table when that officer
bullied you out of twenty guineas which you want obliged to pay« »There you
happen to be wide of the matter said the draper the whole company gave it
against me as a fair bett besides the captain threatened to cut my throat
and I did not choose to give him that trouble« »Cut your throat exclaimed the
virago I would a durst you had a good action against him for putting you in
fear of your life But you are a poor tool good for nothing but squandering
away my money If you had possessed spirit enough to follow my advice you might
have been a deputy of the ward by this time But all your care is to sit among
your companions of the garden and sing buntingsongs till you get drunk
leaving your trade at sixes and sevens and your family to go to the dogs«
The husband pacific as he was being nettled at these insinuations frankly
told her that his affairs had never prospered since she had persuaded him to
swear a bookdebt against a gentlemans executor after he had been paid by the
deceased Upon which her eyes lightened with fury and she called him a
meanspirited sorry fellow for upbraiding her a weak woman with what she had
done for his own good »Sirrah said she I suppose you would be base enough to
turn evidence against me if you thought you could get any thing by the
information though that was the only thing you ever did for your poor family
Who is to provide for my children if their father dont« »And I wish from my
heart their father would provide for them« said the husband irritated by the
epithets she had uttered »Ant you their father Mr Wiseacre cried the
aggressor Hant I brought you five as fine babes as any in the parish« »Yes
yes replied the other you have brought me several very fine children that
must be allowed but whether or not they are of my begetting is a question
that I am not quite so clear about« »How fellor replied the wife do you
doubt my vartue« »No not I answered the shopkeeper I have no doubts about
the matter It is a long time since surgeon C assured me that he would suckle
upon his thumb all the children I should ever beget and I have other convincing
reasons to support his opinion«
These last words had scarce proceeded from his mouth when his sweetblooded
spouse leaving her duty and obedience on the left hand and forgetting that she
was subject to the eye of any unconcerned spectator lifted up the machine she
had just replenished and made such application with it to the forehead of her
husband as pressed the two sides of it together by which means the contents
were squirted out in a full stream that played upon the visage of the
astonished Misanthrope and not satisfied with the vengeance she had taken she
quitted her weapon and assaulted him with tooth and nail exclaiming all the
time »Ah you pitiful cuckoldy scrub have you the impudence to own to my face
that you married a woman of my character when you knew your own infirmities
You had a base design upon my fortune you slave although you was sensible that
you could never deserve it But Ill be revenged of you if there be a man to
be had for love or money«
Thus far from attempting to clear herself from the imputation implied in
her husbands words she construed his declaration into an acknowledgment of the
ill usage she had suffered and while she trumpeted her own wrongs with great
vociferation exercised her claws with such rancour and agility that the poor
draper was fain to roar aloud for assistance and as Cadwallader had no
inclination to interpose he would in all probability have met with the fate
of Orpheus had not his cries reached the ears of the coachman who descended
from his box and partly by threats and partly by intreaties put an end to her
operations
Chapter LXXXVII
Crabtree sounds the Duchess and undeceives Pickle who by an extraordinary
Accident becomes acquainted with another Lady of Quality
Crabtree having rehearsed this adventure in such a peculiarity of manner as
added infinite ridicule to every circumstance and repeated every scandalous
report which had circulated at the Bath after Peregrines departure was
informed by the youth that he harboured a design upon the person of such a
duchess and in all appearance had no reason to complain of his reception but
that he would not venture to declare himself until he should be more
ascertained of her sentiments and therefore he beggd leave to depend upon the
intelligence of his friend Cadwallader who he knew was admitted to her
parties
The Misanthrope before he would promise his assistance asked if his
prospect verged towards matrimony and our adventurer who guessed the meaning
of his question replying in the negative he undertook the office of
reconnoitring her inclination protesting at the same time that he would never
concern himself in any scheme that did not tend to the disgrace and deception
of all the sex On these conditions he espoused the interest of our hero and a
plan was immediately concerted in consequence of which they met by accident at
her graces table and Pickle having stayed all the forepart of the evening
and sat out all the company except the Misanthrope and a certain widowlady
who was said to be in the secrets of my lady duchess went away on pretence of
an indispensible engagement that Crabtree might have a proper opportunity of
making him the subject of conversation
Accordingly he had scarce quitted the apartment when this Cynic attending
him to the door with a look of morose disdain »Were I an absolute prince
said he and that fellow one of my subjects I would order him to be cloathd
in sackcloth and he should drive my asses to water that his lofty spirit
might be lowered to the level of his deserts The pride of a peacock is
downright selfdenial when compared with the vanity of that coxcomb which was
naturally arrogant but is now rendered altogether intolerable by the
reputation he acquired at Bath for kicking a bully outwitting a club of raw
sharpers and divers other pranks in the execution of which he was more lucky
than wise But nothing has contributed so much to the increase of his insolence
and selfconceit as the favour he found among the ladies Ay the ladies
Madam I care not who knows it the ladies who to their honour be it spoken
never fail to patronize foppery and folly provided they solicit their
encouragement And yet this dog was not on the footing of those
hermaphroditical animals who may be reckoned among the number of waitingwomen
who air your shifts comb your lapdogs examine your noses with magnifying
glasses in order to squeeze out the worms clean your teethbrushes sweeten
your handkerchiefs and soften waste paper for your occasions This fellow
Pickle was entertained for more important purposes his turn of duty never came
till all those lapwings were gone to roost then he scaled windows leaped over
gardenwalls and was let in by Mrs Betty in the dark Nay the magistrates of
Bath complimented him with the freedom of the corporation merely because
through his means the waters had gained extraordinary credit for every female
of a tolerable appearance that went thither on account of her sterility got
the better of her complaint during his residence at the Bath and now the
fellow thinks no woman can withstand his addresses He had not been here three
minutes when I could perceive with half an eye that he had marked out your
grace for a conquest I mean in an honourable way though the rascal has
impudence enough to attempt any thing« So saying he fixed his eyes upon the
duchess who while her face glowed with indignation turning to her confidant
expressed herself in these words »Upon my life I believe there is actually
some truth in what this old ruffian says I have myself observed that young
fellow eying me with a very particular stare« »It is not to be at all wondered
at said her friend that a youth of his complexion should be sensible to the
charms of your grace but I dare say he would not presume to entertain any but
the most honourable and respectful sentiments« »Respectful sentiments cried
my lady with a look of ineffable disdain if I thought the fellow had assurance
enough to think of me in any shape I protest I would forbid him my house Upon
my honour such instances of audacity should induce persons of quality to keep
your small gentry at a greater distance for they are very apt to grow impudent
upon the least countenance or encouragement«
Cadwallader satisfied with this declaration changed the subject of
discourse and next day communicated his discovery to his friend Pickle who
upon this occasion felt the most stinging sensations of mortifying pride and
resolved to quit his prospect with a good grace Nor did the execution of this
selfdenying scheme cost him one moments uneasiness for his heart had never
been interested in the pursuit and his vanity triumphed in the thoughts of
manifesting his indifference Accordingly the very next time he visited her
grace his behaviour was remarkably frank sprightly and disengaged and the
subject of love being artfully introduced by the widow who had been directed to
sound his inclinations he rallied the passion with great ease and severity and
made no scruple of declaring himself heartwhole
Though the duchess had resented his supposed affection she was now offended
at his insensibility and even signified her disgust by observing that perhaps
his attention to his own qualifications screened him from the impression of all
other objects
While he enjoyed this sarcasm the meaning of which he could plainly
discern the company was joined by a certain virtuoso who had gained free
access to all the great families of the land by his notable talent of
gossipping and buffoonery He was now in the seventyfifth year of his age his
birth was so obscure that he scarce knew his fathers name his education
suitable to the dignity of his descent his character publickly branded with
homicide profligacy and breach of trust yet this man by the happy
inheritance of impregnable effrontery and a lucky prostitution of all
principle in rendering himself subservient to the appetites of the great had
attained to an independency of fortune as well as to such a particular share of
favour among the quality that although he was well known to have pimped for
three generations of the nobility there was not a lady of fashion in the
kingdom who scrupled to admit him to her toilette or even to be squired by
him in any public place of entertainment Not but that this sage was
occasionally useful to his fellowcreatures by these connexions with people of
fortune for he often undertook to solicite charity in behalf of distressed
objects with a view of embezzling one half of the benefactions It was an
errand of this kind that now brought him to the house of her grace
After having sat a few minutes he told the company that he would favour
them with a very proper opportunity to extend their benevolence for the relief
of a poor gentlewoman who was reduced to the most abject misery by the death
of her husband and just delivered of a couple of fine boys They moreover
understood from his information that this object was daughter of a good family
who had renounced her in consequence of her marrying an ensign without a
fortune and even obstructed his promotion with all their influence and power a
circumstance of barbarity which had made such an impression upon his mind as
disordered his brain and drove him to despair in a fit of which he had made
away with himself leaving his wife then big with child to all the horrors of
indigence and grief
Various were the criticisms on this pathetic picture which the old man drew
with great expression My lady duchess concluded that she must be a creature
void of all feeling and reflection who could survive such aggravated misery
therefore did not deserve to be relieved except in the character of a common
beggar and was generous enough to offer a recommendation by which she would be
admitted into an infirmary to which her grace was a subscriber at the same
time advising the sollicitor to send the twins to the Foundlinghospital where
they would be carefully nursed and brought up so as to become useful members of
the commonwealth Another lady with all due deference to the opinion of the
duchess was free enough to blame the generosity of her grace which would only
serve to encourage children in their disobedience to their parents and might be
the means not only of prolonging the distress of the wretched creature but also
of ruining the constitution of some young heir perhaps the hope of a great
family for she did suppose that madam when her month should be up and her
brats disposed of would spread her attractions to the public provided she
could profit by her person and in the usual way make a regular progress from
St Jamess to Drurylane She apprehended for these reasons that their
compassion would be most effectually shewn in leaving her to perish in her
present necessity and that the old gentleman would be unpardonable should he
persist in his endeavours to relieve her A third member of this tenderhearted
society after having asked if the young woman was handsome and been answered
in the negative allowed that there was a great deal of reason in what had been
said by the honourable person who had spoke last nevertheless she humbly
conceived her sentence would admit of some mitigation »Let the bantlings said
she be sent to the hospital according to the advice of her grace and a small
collection be made for the present support of the mother and when her health is
recovered I will take her into my family in quality of an upperservant or
medium between me and my woman for upon my life I cant endure to chide or
give directions to a creature who is in point of birth and education but one
degree above the vulgar«
This proposal met with universal approbation The duchess to her immortal
honour began the contribution with a crown so that the rest of the company
were obliged to restrict their liberality to half the sum that her grace might
not be affronted and the proposer demanding the poor womans name and place of
abode the old mediator could not help giving her ladyship a verbal direction
though he was extremely mortified on more accounts than one to find such an
issue to his solicitation
Peregrine who though humorous as winter had a tear for pity and an hand
open as day for melting charity was shocked at the nature and result of this
ungenerous consultation He contributed his halfcrown however and retiring
from the company betook himself to the lodgings of the forlorn lady in the
straw according to the direction he had heard Upon inquiry he understood
that she was then visited by some charitable gentlewoman who had sent for a
nurse and waited the return of the messenger and he sent up his respects
desiring he might be permitted to see her on pretence of having been intimate
with her late husband
Though the poor woman had never heard of his name she did not think proper
to deny his request and he was conducted to a paultry chamber in the third
story where he found this unhappy widow sitting up in a trucklebed and
suckling one of her infants with the most piteous expression of anguish in her
features which were naturally regular and sweet while the other was fondled on
the knee of a person whose attention was so much ingrossed by her little
charge that for the present she could mind nothing else and it was not till
after the first compliments passed betwixt the hapless mother and our
adventurer that he perceived the strangers countenance which inspired him
with the highest esteem and admiration He beheld all the graces of elegance and
beauty breathing sentiment and beneficence and softened into the most
inchanting tenderness of weeping sympathy and when he declared the cause of his
visit which was no other than the desire of befriending the distressed lady to
whom he presented a banknote for twenty pounds he was favoured with such a
look of complacency by this amiable phantom who might have been justly taken
for an angel ministering to the necessities of mortals that his whole soul was
transported with love and veneration Nor was this prepossession diminished by
the information of the widow who after having manifested her gratitude in a
flood of tears told him that the unknown object of his esteem was a person of
honour who having heard by accident of her deplorable situation had
immediately obeyed the dictates of her humanity and come in person to relieve
her distress that she had not only generously supplied her with money for
present sustenance but also undertaken to provide a nurse for her babes and
even promised to favour her with protection should she survive her present
melancholy situation To these articles of intelligence she added that the name
of her benefactress was the celebrated lady to whose character the youth was
no stranger though he had never seen her person before The killing edge of her
charms was a little blunted by the accidents of time and fortune but no man of
taste and imagination whose nerves were not quite chilled with the frost of
age could even at that time look upon her with impunity and as Peregrine saw
her attractions heightened by the tender office in which she was engaged he was
smitten with her beauty and so ravished with her compassion that he could not
suppress his emotions but applauded her benevolence with all the warmth of
enthusiasm
Her ladyship received his compliments with great politeness and affability
and the occasion on which they met being equally interesting to both an
acquaintance commenced between them and they concerted measures for the benefit
of the widow and her two children one of whom our hero bespoke for his own
godson for Pickle was not so obscure in the beau monde but that his fame had
reached the ears of this lady who therefore did not discourage his advances
towards her friendship and esteem
All the particulars relating to their charge being adjusted he attended her
ladyship to her own house and by her conversation had the pleasure of finding
her understanding suitable to her other accomplishments Nor had she any reason
to think that our heros qualifications had been exaggerated by common report
One of their adopted children died before it was baptized so that their
care concentered in the other for whom they stood sponsors and understanding
that the old agent was become troublesome in his visits to the mother to whom
he now began to administer such counsel as shocked the delicacy of her virtue
they removed her into another lodging where she would not be exposed to his
machinations and in less than a month our hero learnd from a nobleman of his
acquaintance that the hoary pandar had actually engaged to procure for him
this poor afflicted gentlewoman and being frustrated in his intention
substituted in her room a nymph from the purlieus of Coventgarden that made
his lordship smart severely for the favours she bestowed
Mean while Peregrine cultivated his new acquaintance with all his art and
assiduity presuming from the circumstance of her reputation and fate as well
as on the strength of his own merit that in time he should be able to indulge
that passion which had begun to glow within his breast
As her ladyship had undergone a vast variety of fortune and adventure which
he had heard indistinctly related with numberless errors and
misrepresentations he was no sooner intitled by the familiarity of
communication to ask such a favour than he earnestly intreated her to
entertain him with the particulars of her story and by dint of importunity
she was at length prevailed upon in a select partie to gratify his curiosity
in these words
Chapter LXXXVIII
The Memoirs of a Lady of Quality
By the circumstances of the story which I am going to relate you will be
convinced of my candour while you are informed of my indiscretion and be
enabled I hope to perceive that howsoever my head may have erred my heart
hath always been uncorrupted and that I have been unhappy because I loved and
was a woman
I believe I need not observe that I was the only child of a man of good
fortune who indulged me in my infancy with all the tenderness of paternal
affection and when I was six years old sent me to a private school where I
stayed till my age was doubled and became such a favourite that I was even in
those early days carried to all the places of public diversion the court
itself not excepted an indulgence that flattered my love of pleasure to which
I was naturally addicted and encouraged those ideas of vanity and ambition
which spring up so early in the human mind
I was lively and goodnatured my imagination apt to run riot my heart
liberal and disinterested though I was so obstinately attached to my own
opinions that I could not well brook contradiction and in the whole of my
disposition resembled that of Henry the fifth as described by Shakespear
In my thirteenth year I went to Bath where I was first introduced into the
world as a woman having been intitled to that privilege by my person which was
remarkably tall for my years and there my fancy was quite captivated by the
variety of diversions in which I was continually engaged not that the parties
were altogether new to me but because I now found myself considered as a person
of consequence and surrounded by a croud of admirers who courted my
acquaintance and fed my vanity with praise and adulation In short whether or
not I deserved their encomiums I leave the world to judge but my person was
commended and my talent in dancing met with universal applause No wonder then
that every thing appeared joyous to a young creature who was so void of
experience and dissimulation that she believed every bodys heart as sincere as
her own and every object such as it appeared to be
Among the swains who sighed or pretended to sigh for me were two that bore
a pretty equal share of my favour it was too superficial to deserve the name
of love One of these was a forward youth of sixteen extremely handsome
lively and impudent who attended in quality of page upon the princess Amelia
who spent that season at the Bath the other was a Scotch nobleman turned of
thirty who was graced with a red ribbon and danced particularly well two
qualifications of great weight with a girl of my age whose heart was not deeply
interested in the cause Nevertheless the page prevailed over this formidable
rival though our amour went no farther than a little flirting and ceased
intirely when I left the place
Next year however I revisited this agreeable scene and passed my time in
the same circle of amusements in which indeed each season at Bath is exactly
resembled by that which succeeds allowing for the difference of company which
is continually varying There I met with the same incense and again had my
favourite who was a North Briton and captain of foot near forty years of age
and a little lame an impediment which I did not discover until it was pointed
out by some of my companions who rallied me upon my choice He was always
chearful and very amorous had a good countenance and an excellent
understanding possessed a great deal of art and would have persuaded me to
marry him had I not been restrained by the authority of my father whose
consent was not to be obtained in favour of a man of his fortune
At the same time many proposals of marriage were made to my parents but
as they came from people whom I did not like I rejected them all being
determined to refuse every man who did not make his addresses to myself in
person because I had no notion of marrying for any thing but love
Among these formal proposers was a Scottish earl whose pretensions were
broke off by some difference about settlements and the son of an English baron
with whom my father was in treaty when he carried me to town on a visit to a
young lady with whom I had been intimate from my infancy She was just
delivered of her first son for whom we stood sponsors so that this occasion
detained us a whole month during which I went to a ball at court on the
queens birthday and there for the first time felt what love and beauty were
The second son of duke who had just returned from his travels was
dancing with the princess royal when a young lady came and desired me to go and
see a stranger whom all the world admired upon which I followed her into the
circle and observed this object of admiration He was dressed in a coat of
white cloth faced with blue sattin embroidered with silver of the same piece
with his waistcoat his fine hair hung down his back in ringlets below his
waist and his hat was laced with silver and garnished with a white feather
but his person beggared all description He was tall and graceful neither
corpulent nor meagre his limbs finely proportioned his countenance open and
majestic his eyes full of sweetness and vivacity his teeth regular and his
pouting lips of the complexion of the damask rose In short he was formed for
love and inspired it wherever he appeared nor was he a niggard of his talents
but liberally returned it at least what passed for such for he had a flow of
gallantry for which many ladies of this land can vouch from their own
experience but he exclaimed against marriage because he had as yet met with
no woman to whose charms he would surrender his liberty though a princess of
France and a lady of the same rank in were said to be at that time
enamoured of his person
I went home totally ingrossed by his idea flattering myself that he had
observed me with some attention for I was young and new and had the good
fortune to attract the notice and approbation of the queen herself
Next day being at the opera I was agreeably surprised with the appearance
of this amiable stranger who no sooner saw me enter than he approached so near
to the place where I sat that I overheard what he said to his companions and
was so happy as to find myself the subject of his discourse which abounded with
rapturous expressions of love and admiration
I could not listen to these transports without emotion my colour changed
my heart throbbed with unusual violence and mine eyes betrayed my inclinations
in sundry favourable glances which he seemed to interpret aright though he
could not then avail himself of his success so far as to communicate his
sentiments by speech because we were strangers to each other
I passed that night in the most anxious suspence and several days elapsed
before I saw him again At length however being at court on a ballnight and
determined against dancing I perceived him among the croud and to my
unspeakable joy saw him advance with my lord P who introduced him to my
acquaintance He soon found means to alter my resolution and I condescended to
be his partner all the evening during which he declared his passion in the
most tender and persuasive terms that real love could dictate or fruitful
imagination invent
I believed his protestations because I wished them true and was an
unexperienced girl of fifteen I complied with his earnest request of being
permitted to visit me and even invited him to breakfast next morning so that
you may imagine I speak to those that feel I did not that night enjoy much
repose Such was the hurry and flutter of my spirits that I rose at six to
receive him at ten I dressed myself in a new pink sattingown and my best laced
nightcloaths and was so animated by the occasion that if ever I deserved a
compliment upon my looks it was my due at this meeting
The wishedfor moment came that brought my lover to my view I was
overwhelmed with joy modesty and fear of I knew not what We sat down to
breakfast but did not eat He renewed his addresses with irresistible
eloquence and pressed me to accept of his hand without farther hesitation
but to such a precipitate step I objected as a measure repugnant to decency
as well as to that duty which I owed to my father whom I tenderly loved
Though I withstood this premature proposal I did not attempt to disguise
the situation of my thoughts and thus commenced a tender correspondence which
was maintained by letters while I remained in the country and carried on when
I was in town by private interviews twice or thrice a week at the house of my
milliner where such endearments passed as refined and happy lovers know and
others can only guess Truth and innocence prevailed on my side while his heart
was fraught with sincerity and love Such frequent intercourse created an
intimacy which I began to think dangerous and therefore yielded to his repeated
desire that we might be united for ever nay I resolved to avoid him until
the day should be fixed and very innocently though not very wisely told him
my reason for this determination which was no other than a consciousness of my
incapacity to refuse him any thing he should demand as a testimony of my love
The time was accordingly appointed at the distance of a few days during
which I intended to have implored my fathers consent though I had but faint
hopes of obtaining it but he was by some means or other apprized of our
design before I could prevail upon myself to make him acquainted with our
purpose I had danced with my lover at the Ridotto on the preceding evening and
there perhaps our eyes betrayed us Certain it is several of lord Wms
relations who disapproved of the match came up and rallied him on his passion
lord Sk in particular used this remarkable expression »Nephew as much love
as you please but no matrimony«
Next day the priest being prepared and the bridegroom waiting for me at
the appointed place in all the transports of impatient expectation I was
without any previous warning carried into the country by my father who took no
notice of the intelligence he had received but decoyed me into the coach on
pretence of taking the air and when we had proceeded as far as Turnham green
gave me to understand that he would dine in that place
There was no remedy I was obliged to bear my disappointment though with an
aching heart and followed him up stairs into an apartment where he told me he
was minutely informed of my matrimonial scheme I did not attempt to disguise
the truth but assured him while the tears gushed from my eyes that my want of
courage alone had hindered me from making him privy to my passion though I
owned I should have married lord Wm even though he had disapproved of my
choice I reminded him of the uneasy life I led at home and frankly
acknowledged that I loved my admirer too well to live without him though if he
would favour me with his consent I would defer my intention and punctually
observe any day he should fix for our nuptials Mean while I begged he would
permit me to send a message to lord Wm who was waiting in expectation of my
coming and might without such notice imagine I was playing the jilt He
granted this last request in consequence of which I sent a letter to my lover
who when he received it had almost fainted away believing that I should be
locked up in the country and snatched for ever from his arms Tortured with
these apprehensions he changed cloaths immediately and taking horse resolved
to follow me whithersoever we should go
After dinner we proceeded as far as Brentford where we lay intending to
be at my fathers countryhouse next night and my admirer putting up at the
same inn practised every expedient his invention could suggest to procure an
interview but all his endeavours were unsuccessful because I who little
dreamd of his being so near had gone to bed upon our first arrival
overwhelmed with affliction and tears
In the morning I threw myself at my fathers feet and conjured him by all
the ties of paternal affection to indulge me with an opportunity of seeing my
admirer once more before I should be conveyed from his wishes The melancholy
condition in which I preferred this supplication melted the tender heart of my
parent who yielded to my solicitation and carried me back to town for that
purpose
Lord Wm who had watched our motions and arrived at his own lodgings
before we alighted at my fathers house obeyed my summons on the instant and
appeared before me like an angel Our faculties were for some minutes
suspended by a conflict of grief and joy At length I recovered the use of
speech and gave him to understand that I was come to town in order to take my
leave of him by the permission of my father whom I had promised to attend into
the country next day before he would consent to my return the chief cause and
pretence of which was my earnest desire to convince him that I was not to
blame for the disappointment he had suffered and that I should see him again in
a month when the nuptial knot should be tied in spite of all opposition
My lover who was better acquainted with the world had well nigh run
distracted with this information He swore he would not leave me until I should
promise to meet and marry him next day or if I refused to grant that request
he would immediately leave the kingdom to which he would never more return and
before his departure sacrifice lord H B son to the duke of S A who was
the only person upon earth who could have betrayed us to my father because he
alone was trusted with the secret of our intended marriage and had actually
undertaken to give me away an office which he afterwards declined Lord Wm
also affirmed that my father decoyed me into the country with a view of
cooping me up and sequestering me intirely from his view and correspondence
In vain I pleaded my fathers wellknown tenderness and used all the
arguments I could recollect to divert him from his revenge upon lord H He was
deaf to all my representations and nothing I found would prevail upon him to
suppress his resentment but a positive promise to comply with his former
desire I told him I would hazard every thing to make him happy but could not
with any regard to my duty take such a step without the knowledge of my
parent or if I were so inclined it would be impracticable to elude his
vigilance and suspicion However he employed such pathetic remonstrances and
retained such a powerful advocate within my own breast that before we parted I
assured him my whole power should be exerted for his satisfaction and he
signified his resolution of sitting up all night in expectation of seeing me at
his lodgings
He had no sooner retired than I went into the next room and desired my
father to fix a day for the marriage in which case I would chearfully wait
upon him into the country whereas should he deny my request on pretence of
staying for the consent of my lovers relations which was very uncertain I
would seize the first opportunity of marrying lord Wm cost what it would He
consented to the match but would not appoint a day for the ceremony which he
proposed to defer until all parties should be agreed and such a favourable
crisis I feared would never happen
I therefore resolved within myself to gratify my lovers expectation by
eloping if possible that very night though the execution of this plan was
extremely difficult because my father was upon the alarm and my own maid who
was my bedfellow altogether in his interest Notwithstanding these
considerations I found means to engage one of the housemaids in my behalf who
bespoke an hackneycoach to be kept in waiting all night and to bed I went
with my Abigail whom as I had not closed an eye I waked about five in the
morning and sent to pack up some things for our intended journey
While she was thus employed I got up and huddled on my cloaths standing
upon my pillow lest my father who lay in the chamber below should hear me
afoot and suspect my design
Having dressed myself with great dispatch and disorder I flounced down
stairs stalking as heavily as I could tread that he might mistake me for one
of the servants and my confederate opening the door I sallied out into the
street though I knew not which way to turn and to my unspeakable
mortification neither coach nor chair appeared
Having travelled on foot a good way in hope of finding a convenience and
being not only disappointed in that particular but also bewildered in my
peregrination I began to be exceedingly alarmed with the apprehension of being
met by some person who might know me because in that case my design would
undoubtedly have been discovered from every circumstance of my appearance at
that time of day for I had put on the very cloaths which I had pulled off over
night so that my dress was altogether odd and peculiar my shoes were very
fine and over a large hoop I wore a pink sattin quilted petticoat trimmed with
silver which was partly covered by a white dimity nightgown a full quarter of
a yard too short my handkerchief and apron were hurried on without pinning my
nightcap could not contain my hair which hung about my ears in great disorder
and my countenance denoted a mixture of hope and fear joy and shame
In this dilemma I made my addresses to that honourable member of society a
shoeblack whom I earnestly intreated to provide me with a coach or chair
promising to reward him liberally for his trouble but he having the misfortune
to be lame was unable to keep up with my pace so that by his advice and
direction I went into the first publichouse I found open where I stayed some
time in the utmost consternation among a crew of wretches whom I thought
proper to bribe for their civility not without the terror of being stripped At
length however my messenger returned with a chair of which I took immediate
possession and fearing that by this time my family would be alarmed and send
directly to lord Wms lodgings I ordered myself to be carried thither
backwards that so I might pass undiscovered
This stratagem succeeded according to my wish I ran up stairs in a state
of trepidation to my faithful lover who called an hackneycoach in which we
went to church and were married
His fears were then all over but mine recurred with double aggravation I
dreaded the sight of my father and shared all the sorrow he suffered on account
of my undutiful behaviour for I loved him with such piety of affection that I
would have endured every other species of distress rather than have given him
the least uneasiness but love where he reigns in full empire is altogether
irresistible surmounts every difficulty and swallows up all other
considerations This was the case with me and now the irrevocable step was
taken my first care was to avoid his sight With this view I begged that lord
Wm would think of some remote place in the country to which we might retire
for the present and he forthwith conducted me to an house on Blackheath where
we were very civilly received by a laughterloving dame who seemed to mistake
me for one of her own sisterhood
I no sooner perceived her opinion than I desired lord Wm to undeceive
her upon which she was made acquainted with the predicament in which I stood
and shewed us into a private room where I called for pen and paper and wrote
an apology to my father for having acted contrary to his will in so important
a concern
This task being performed the bridegroom gave me to understand that there
was a necessity for our being bedded immediately in order to render the
marriage binding lest my father should discover and part us before
consummation I pleaded hard for a respite till the evening objecting to the
indecency of going to bed before noon but he found means to invalidate all my
arguments and to convince me that it was now my duty to obey Rather than
hazard the imputation of being obstinate and refractory on the first day of my
probation I suffered myself to be led into a chamber which was darkened by my
express stipulation that my shame and confusion might be the better concealed
and yielded to the privilege of a dear husband who loved me to adoration
About five oclock in the afternoon we were called to dinner which we had
ordered to be ready at four but such a paultry care had been forgot amidst the
transports of our mutual bliss We got up however and when we came down
stairs I was ashamed to see the light of day or meet the eyes of my beloved
lord I ate little said less was happy though overwhelmed with confusion
underwent a thousand agitations some of which were painful but by far the
greater part belonged to rapture and delight we were imparadised in the
gratification of our mutual wishes and felt all that love can bestow and
sensibility enjoy
In the twilight we returned to lord Wms lodgings in town where I
received a letter from my father importing that he would never see me again
But there was one circumstance in his manner of writing from which I conceived
an happy presage of his future indulgence He had begun with his usual
appellation of Dear Fanny which though it was expunged to make way for the
word Madam encouraged me to hope that his paternal fondness was not yet
extinguished
At supper we were visited by lord Wms youngest sister who laughed at us
for our inconsiderate match though she owned she envied our happiness and
offered me the use of her cloaths until I could retrieve my own She was a
woman of a great deal of humour plain but genteel civil friendly and
perfectly wellbred She favoured us with her company till the night was pretty
far advanced and did not take her leave till we retired to our apartment
As our lodgings were not spacious or magnificent we resolved to see little
company but this resolution was frustrated by the numerous acquaintance of lord
Wm who let in half the town so that I ran the gauntlet for a whole week
among a set of wits who always delight in teazing a young creature of any note
when she happens to make such a stolen match Among those that visited us upon
this occasion was my lords younger brother who was at that time in keeping
with a rich heiress of masculine memory and took that opportunity of making a
parade with his equipage which was indeed very magnificent but altogether
disregarded by us whose happiness consisted in the opulence of mutual love
This ceremony of receiving visits being performed we went to wait on his
mother the duchess of H who hearing I was an heiress readily forgave her son
for marrying without her knowledge and consent and favoured us with a very
cordial reception insomuch that for several months we dined almost constantly
at her table and I must own I always found her unaltered in her civility and
affection contrary to her general character which was haughty and capricious
She was undoubtedly a woman of great spirit and understanding but subject to an
infirmity which very much impairs and disguises every other qualification
In about three weeks after our marriage I was so happy as to obtain the
forgiveness of my father to whose house we repaired in order to pay our
respects and submission At sight of me he wept nor did I behold his tears
unmoved my heart was overcharged with tenderness and sorrow for having
offended such an indulgent parent so that I mingled my tears with his while my
dear husband whose soul was of the softest and gentlest mould melted with
sympathy at the affecting scene
Being thus reconciled to my father we attended him into the country where
we were received by my mother who was a sensible good woman though not
susceptible of love and therefore less apt to excuse a weakness to which she
was an utter stranger This was likewise the case with an uncle from whom I had
great expectations He was a plain goodnatured man and treated us with great
courtesy though his notions in point of love were not exactly conformable to
ours Nevertheless I was and seemed to be so happy in my choice that my
family not only became satisfied with the match but exceedingly fond of lord
Wm
After a short stay with them in the country we returned to London in order
to be introduced at court and then set out for the North on a visit to my
brotherinlaw the duke of H who had by a letter to lord Wm invited us to
his habitation My father accordingly equipped us with horses and money for our
own finances were extremely slender consisting only of a small pension allowed
by his grace upon whom the brothers were intirely dependent the father having
died suddenly before suitable provision could be made for his younger children
When I took my leave of my relations bidding adieu to my paternal home and
found myself launching into a world of care and trouble though the voyage on
which I had embarked was altogether voluntary and my companion the person on
whom I doated to distraction I could not help feeling some melancholy
sensations which however in a little time gave way to a train of more
agreeable ideas I was visited in town by almost all the women of fashion many
of whom I perceived envied me the possession of a man who had made strange
havock among their hearts and some of them knew the value of his favour One in
particular endeavoured to cultivate my friendship with singular marks of regard
but I thought proper to discourage her advances by keeping within the bounds of
bare civility and indeed to none of them was I lavish of my complaisance for
I dedicated my whole time to the object of my affection who engrossed my wishes
to such a degree that although I was never jealous because I had no reason to
be so I envied the happiness of every woman whom he chanced at any time to hand
into a coach
The duchess of who was newly married to the earl of P a particular
friend of lord Wms carried me to court and presented me to the queen who
expressed her approbation of my person in very particular terms and observed
the satisfaction that appeared in my countenance with marks of admiration
desiring her ladies to take notice how little happiness depended upon wealth
since there was more joy in my face than in all her court beside
Such a declaration could not fail to overwhelm me with blushes which her
majesty seemed to behold with pleasure for she frequently repeated the remark
and shewed me to all the foreigners of distinction with many gracious
expressions of favour She wished lord Wm happiness instead of joy and was
pleased to promise that she would provide for her pretty beggars and poor
enough we certainly were in every article but love Nevertheless we felt no
necessities but passed the summer in a variety of pleasures and parties the
greatest part of which were planned by lord Wms sister and another lady who
was at that time mistress to the prime minister The first was a wit but homely
in her person the other a woman of great beauty and masculine understanding
and a particular friendship subsisted between them though they were both lovers
of power and admiration
This lady who sat at the helm was extremely elegant as well as expensive
in her diversions in many of which we bore a share particularly in her parties
upon the water which were contrived in all the magnificence of taste In the
course of these amusements a trifling circumstance occurred which I shall
relate as an instance of that jealous sensibility which characterised lord Ws
disposition A large company of ladies and gentlemen having agreed to dine at
Vauxhall and sup at Marblehall where we proposed to conclude the evening with
a dance one barge being insufficient to contain the whole company we were
divided by lots in consequence of which my husband and I were parted This
separation was equally mortifying to us both who though married were still
lovers and my chagrin was increased when I perceived that I was doomed to sit
by Sir W Y a man of professed gallantry for although lord Wm had
before his marriage made his addresses to every woman he saw I knew very well
he did not desire that any person should make love to his wife
That I might not therefore give umbrage by talking to this gallant I
conversed with a Scotch nobleman who according to common report had formerly
sighed among my admirers by these means in seeking to avoid one error I
unwittingly plunged myself into a greater and disobliged Lord Wm so much
that he could not conceal his displeasure nay so deeply was he offended at my
conduct that in the evening when the ball began he would scarce deign to take
me by the hand in the course of dancing and darted such unkind looks as pierced
me to the very soul and what augmented my concern was my ignorance of the
trespass I had committed I was tortured with a thousand uneasy reflections I
began to fear that I had mistaken his temper and given my heart to a man who
was tired of possession tho I resolved to bear without complaining the
misfortune I had entailed upon myself
I seized the first opportunity of speaking to him and thereby discovered
the cause of his chagrin but as there was no time for expostulation the
misunderstanding continued on his side with such evident marks of uneasiness
that every individual of the company made up to me and inquired about the cause
of his disorder so that I was fain to amuse their concern by saying that he
had been ill the day before and dancing did not agree with his constitution So
much was he incensed by this unhappy circumstance of my conduct which was void
of all intention to offend him that he determined to be revenged of me for my
indiscretion and at supper chancing to sit between two very handsome ladies
one of whom is lately dead and the other at present my neighbour in the
country he affected an air of gaiety and openly coquetted with them both
This was not the only punishment he inflicted on his innocent wife In the
course of our entertainment we engaged in some simple diversion in consequence
of which the gentlemen were ordered to salute the ladies when Lord Wm in
performing this command unkindly neglected me in my turn and I had occasion
for all my discretion and pride to conceal from the company the agonies I felt
at this mark of indifference and disrespect However I obtained the victory
over myself and pretended to laugh at his husbandlike behaviour while the
tears stood in my eyes and my heart swelled even to bursting
We broke up about five after having spent the most tedious evening I had
ever known and this offended lover went to bed in a state of sullen silence and
disgust Whatever desire I had to come to an explanation I thought myself so
much aggrieved by his unreasonable prejudice that I could not prevail upon
myself to demand a conference till after his first nap when my pride giving
way to my tenderness I clasped him in my arms though he pretended to
discourage these advances of my love I asked how he could be so unjust as to
take umbrage at my civility to a man whom he knew I had refused for his sake
I chid him for his barbarous endeavours to awake my jealousy and used such
irresistible arguments in my own vindication that he was convinced of my
innocence sealed my acquittal with a kind embrace and we mutually enjoyed the
soft transports of a fond reconciliation
Never was passion more eager delicate or unreserved than that which
glowed within our breasts Far from being cloyed with the possession of each
other our raptures seemed to increase with the term of our union When we were
parted though but for a few hours by the necessary avocations of life we were
unhappy during that brief separation and met again like lovers who knew no joy
but in one anothers presence How many delicious evenings did we spend
together in our own little apartment after we had ordered the candles to be
taken away that we might enjoy the agreeable reflection of the moon in a fine
summers evening Such a mild and solemn scene naturally disposes the mind to
peace and benevolence but when improved with the conversation of the man one
loves it fills the imagination with ideas of ineffable delight For my own
part I can safely say my heart was so wholly ingrossed by my husband that I
never took pleasure in any diversion where he was not personally concerned nor
was I ever guilty of one thought repugnant to my duty and my love
In the autumn we set out for the north and were met on the road by the duke
and twenty gentlemen who conducted us to Hn where we lived in all imaginable
splendor His grace at that time maintained above an hundred servants with a
band of music which always performed at dinner kept open table and was
visited by a great deal of company The oeconomy of his house was superintended
by his eldest sister a beautiful young lady of an amiable temper with whom I
soon contracted an intimate friendship She and the duke used to rally me upon
my fondness for lord Wm who was a sort of an humourist and apt to be in a
pet in which case he would leave the company and go to bed by seven oclock in
the evening On these occasions I always disappeared giving up every
consideration to that of pleasing my husband notwithstanding the ridicule of
his relations who taxed me with having spoiled him with too much indulgence
But how could I express too much tenderness and condescension for a man who
doated upon me to such excess that when business obliged him to leave me he
always snatched the first opportunity to return and often rode through
darkness storms and tempests to my arms
Having stayed about seven months in this place I found myself in a fair way
of being a mother and that I might be near my own relations in such an
interesting situation I and my dear companion departed from Hn not without
great reluctance for I was fond of the Scots in general who treated me with
great hospitality and respect and to this day they pay me the compliment of
saying I was one of the best wives in that country which is so justly
celebrated for good women
Lord Wm having attended me to my fathers house was obliged to return to
Scotland to support his interest in being elected member of parliament so that
he took his leave of me with a full resolution of seeing me again before the
time of my lyingin and all the comfort I enjoyed in his absence was the
perusal of his letters which I punctually received together with those of his
sister who from time to time favoured me with assurances of his constancy and
devotion Indeed these testimonials were necessary to one of my disposition for
I was none of those who could be contented with half an heart I could not even
spare one complacent look to any other woman but expected the undivided homage
of his love Had I been disappointed in this expectation I should though a
wife have rebelled or died
Mean while my parents treated me with great tenderness intending that lord
Wm should be settled in a house of his own and accommodated with my fortune
and his expectations from the queen were very sanguine when I was taken ill
and delivered of a dead child an event which affected me so much that when I
understood the extent of my misfortune my heart throbbed with such violence
that my breast could scarce contain it and my anxiety being aggravated by the
absence of my lord produced a dangerous fever of which he was no sooner
apprized by letter than he came post from Scotland but before his arrival I
was supposed to be in a fair way
During this journey he was tortured with all that terrible suspence which
prevails in the minds of those who are in danger of losing that which is most
dear to them and when he entered the house was so much overwhelmed with
apprehension that he durst not inquire about the state of my health
As for my part I never closed an eye from the time on which I expected his
return and when I heard his voice threw open my curtains and sat up in the
bed to receive him though at the hazard of my life He ran towards me with all
the eagerness of passion and claspd me in his arms he kneeled by my bedside
kissed my hand a thousand times and wept with transports of tenderness and joy
In short this meeting was so pathetic as to overcome my enfeebled
constitution and we were parted by those who were wiser than ourselves and saw
that nothing was so proper for us as a little repose
But how shall I relate the deplorable transition from envied happiness to
excess of misery which I now sustained My month was hardly up when my dear
husband was taken ill perhaps the fatigue of body as well as mind which he had
undergone on my account occasioned a fatal ferment in his blood and his health
fell a sacrifice to his love Physicians were called from London but alas they
brought no hopes of his recovery By their advice he was removed to town for
the convenience of being punctually attended Every moment was too precious to
be thrown away he was therefore immediately put into the coach though the day
was far spent and I though exceedingly weak accompanied him in the journey
which was performed by the light of flambeaus and rendered unspeakably
shocking by the dismal apprehension of losing him every moment
At length however we arrived at our lodgings in Pallmall where I lay by
him on the floor and attended the issue of his distemper in all the agonies of
horror and despair In a little time his malady settled upon his brain and in
his delirium he uttered such dreadful exclamations as were sufficient to
pierce the most savage heart What effect then must they have had on mine which
was fraught with every sentiment of the most melting affection It was not a
common grief that took possession of my soul I felt all the aggravation of the
most acute distress I sometimes ran down to the street in a fit of distraction
I sent for the doctors every minute I wearied heaven with my prayers even now
my heart akes at the remembrance of what I suffered and I cannot without
trembling proceed with the woeful story
After having lain insensible some days he recovered the use of speech and
called upon my name which he had a thousand times repeated while he was bereft
of reason All hopes of his life were now relinquished and I was led to his
bedside to receive his last adieu being directed to summon all my fortitude
and suppress my sorrow that he might not be disturbed by my agitation I
collected all my resolution to support me in this affecting scene I saw my dear
lord in extremity the beauties of his youth were all decayed yet his eyes
though languid retained unspeakable sweetness and expression He felt his end
approaching put forth his hand and with a look full of complacency and
benevolence uttered such a tender tale Good heaven how had I deserved such
accumulated affliction the bare remembrance of which now melts me into tears
Human nature could not undergo my situation without suffering an extasy of
grief I clasped him in my arms and kissed him a thousand times with the most
violent emotions of woe but I was torn from his embrace and in a little time
he was ravished for ever from my view
On that fatal morning which put a period to his life I saw the duchess of
L approach my bed and from her appearance concluded that he was no more
yet I beggd she would not confirm the unhappy presage by announcing his death
and she accordingly preserved the most emphatic silence I got up and trod
softly over his head as if I had been afraid of interrupting his repose Alas
he was no longer sensible of such disturbance I was seized with a stupification
of sorrow I threw up the window and looking around thought the sun shone with
the most dismal aspect every thing was solitary chearless and replete with
horror
In this condition I was by the direction of my friend conveyed to her
house where my faculties were so overpowered by the load of anguish which
oppressed me that I know not what passed during the first days of my unhappy
widowhood this only I know the kind duchess treated me with all imaginable
care and compassion and carried me to her countryhouse where I stayed some
months during which she endeavoured to comfort me with all the amusements she
could invent and laid me under such obligations as shall never be erased from
my remembrance yet notwithstanding all her care and concern I was by my
excess of grief plunged into a languishing distemper for which my physicians
advised me to drink the Bath waters
In compliance with this prescription I went thither towards the end of
summer and found some benefit by adhering to their directions though I seldom
went abroad except when I visited my sisterinlaw who was there with the
princess and upon these occasions I never failed to attract the notice of the
company who were struck with the appearance of such a young creature in weeds
Nor was I free from the persecution of professed admirers but being dead to all
joy I was deaf to the voice of adulation
About Christmas I repaired to my fathers house where my sorrows were
revived by every object that recalled the idea of my dear lamented lord But
these melancholy reflections I was obliged to bear because I had no other home
or habitation being left an unprovided widow altogether dependant on the
affection of my own family
During this winter divers overtures were made to my father by people who
demanded me in marriage but my heart was not yet sufficiently weaned from my
former passion to admit the thoughts of another master Among those that
presented their proposals was a certain young nobleman who upon the first news
of lord Wms death came post from Paris in order to declare his passion He
made his first appearance in a hired chariot and six accompanied by a big fat
fellow whom as I afterwards learnd he had engaged to sound his praises with
the promise of a thousand pounds in lieu of which he paid him with forty
Whether it was with a view of screening himself from the cold or of making a
comfortable medium in case of being overturned and falling under his weighty
companion I know not but certain it is the carriage was stuffed with hay in
such a manner that when he arrived the servants were at some pains in
rummaging and removing it before they could come at their master or help him
to alight When he was lifted out of the chariot he exhibited a very ludicrous
figure to the view he was a thin meagre shivering creature of a low stature
with little black eyes a long nose sallow complexion and pitted with the
small pox dressed in a coat of light brown frize lined with pinkcoloured
shag a monstrous solitaire and bag and if I remember aright a pair of huge
jackboots In a word his whole appearance was so little calculated for
inspiring love that I had on the strength of seeing him once before at Oxford
set him down as the last man on earth whom I would chuse to wed and I will
venture to affirm that he was in every particular the very reverse of my late
husband
As my father was not at home he stayed but one evening and left his errand
with my mother to whom he was as disagreeable as to myself so that his
proposal was absolutely rejected and I heard no more of him during the space of
three whole months at the expiration of which I went to town where this
mortifying figure presented itself again and renewed his suit offering such
advantageous terms of settlement that my father began to relish the match and
warmly recommended it to my consideration
Lord Wms relations advised me to embrace the opportunity of making myself
independent all my acquaintance plied me with arguments to the same purpose I
was uneasy at home and indifferent to all mankind I weighed the motives with
the objections and with reluctance yielded to the importunity of my friends
In consequence of this determination the little gentleman was permitted to
visit me and the manner of his address did not at all alter the opinion I had
conceived of his character and understanding I was even shocked at the prospect
of marrying a man whom I could not love and in order to disburthen my own
conscience took an opportunity of telling him one evening as we sat opposite
to each other that it was not in my power to command my affection and
therefore he could not expect the possession of my heart lord Wms indulgence
having spoiled me for a wife Nevertheless I would endeavour to contract a
friendship for him which would intirely depend upon his own behaviour
To this declaration he replied to my great surprize that he did not desire
me to love him my friendship was sufficient and next day repeated this
strange instance of moderation in a letter which I communicated to my sister
who laughed heartily at the contents and persuaded me that since I could love
no man he was the properest person to be my husband
Accordingly the weddingcloaths and equipage being prepared the day the
fatal day was fixed on the morning of which I went to the house of my
brotherinlaw duke H who loved me tenderly and took my leave of the family
a family which I shall always remember with love honour and esteem His grace
received me in the most affectionate manner saying at parting »Lady Wm if
he does not use you well I will take you back again«
The bridegroom and I met at Ox chapel where the ceremony was performed by
the bishop of W in presence of his mother my father and another lady and
the nuptial knot being tied we set out for my fathers house in the country
and proceeded full twenty miles on our journey before my lord opened his mouth
my thoughts having been all that time employed on something quite foreign to my
present situation for I was then but a giddy girl of eighteen At length my
father broke silence and clapping his lordship on the shoulder told him he was
but a dull bridegroom upon which my lord gave him to understand that he was
out of spirits This dejection continued all the day notwithstanding the
refreshment of a plentiful dinner which he ate upon the road and in the
evening we arrived at the place of destination where we were kindly received by
my mother though she had no liking to the match and after supper we retired
to our apartment
It was here that I had occasion to perceive the most disagreeable contrast
between my present helpmate and my former lord instead of flying to my arms
with all the eagerness of love and rapture this manly representative sat moping
in a corner like a criminal on executionday and owned he was ashamed to bed a
woman whose hand he had scarce ever touched
I could not help being affected with this pusilanimous behaviour I
remembered lord Wm while I surveyed the object before me and made such a
comparison as filled me with horror and disgust nay to such a degree did my
aversion to this phantom prevail that I began to sweat with anguish at the
thought of being subjected to his pleasure and when after a long hesitation
he ventured to approach me I trembled as if I had been exposed to the embraces
of a rattlesnake Nor did the efforts of his love diminish this antipathy his
attempts were like the pawings of an imp sent from hell to teize and torment
some guilty wretch such as are exhibited in some dramatic performance which I
never see acted without remembering my weddingnight By such shadowy
unsubstantial vexatious behaviour was I tantalized and robbd of my repose
and early next morning I got up with a most sovereign contempt for my
bedfellow who indulged himself in bed till eleven
Having passed a few days in this place I went home with him to his house at
Twickenham and soon after we were presented at court when the queen was
pleased to say to my lords mother she did not doubt that we should be an happy
couple for I had been a good wife to my former husband
Whatever deficiencies I had to complain of in my new spouse he was not
wanting in point of liberality I was presented with a very fine chariot studded
with silver nails and such a profusion of jewels as furnished a joke to some of
my acquaintance who observed that I was formerly queen of hearts but now
metamorphosed into the queen of diamonds This uncommon splendour attracted the
eyes and envy of my competitors who were the more implacable in their
resentments because notwithstanding my marriage I was as much as ever
followed by the men of gallantry and pleasure among whom it is a constant
maxim that a woman never withholds her affections from her husband without an
intention to bestow them somewhere else I never appeared without a train of
admirers and my house in the country was always crouded with gay young men of
quality
Among those who cultivated my good graces with the greatest skill and
assiduity were the earl C and Mr S brother to lord F The former of
whom in the course of his addresses treated me with an entertainment of
surprising magnificence disposed into a dinner supper and ball to which I
at his desire invited eleven ladies whom he paired with the like number of his
own sex so that the whole company amounted to twentyfour We were regaled with
a most elegant dinner in an apartment which was altogether superb and served
by gentlemen only no liveryservant being permitted to come within the door In
the afternoon we embarked in two splendid barges being attended by a band of
musick in a third and enjoyed a delightful evening upon the river till the
twilight when we returned and began the ball which was conducted with such
order and taste that mirth and good humour prevailed and no dissatisfaction
appeared except in the countenance of one old maid since married to a son of
the duke of who tho she would not refuse to partake of such an agreeable
entertainment was displeased that I should have the honour of inviting her O
baleful Envy thou selftormenting fiend How dost thou predominate in all
assemblies from the grand gala of a court to the meeting of simple peasants at
their harvesthome Nor is the prevalence of this sordid passion to be wondered
at if we consider the weakness pride and vanity of our sex The presence of
one favourite man shall poison the enjoyment of a whole company and produce the
most rancorous enmity betwixt the closest friends
I danced with the master of the ball who employed all the artillery of his
eloquence in making love yet I did not listen to his addresses for he was not
to my taste tho he possessed an agreeable person and a good acquired
understanding but he was utterly ignorant of that gentle prevailing art which I
afterwards experienced in Mr S and which was the only method he could have
successfully practised in seducing a young woman like me born with sentiments
of honour and trained up in the paths of religion and virtue He was indeed
absolutely master of those insinuating qualifications which few women of passion
and sensibility can resist and had a person every way adapted for profiting by
these insidious talents He was well acquainted with the human heart conscious
of his own power and capacity and exercised these endowments with unwearied
perseverance He was tall and thin which was perfectly agreeable to my taste
with large blue eloquent eyes good teeth and a long head turned to gallantry
His behaviour was the standard of politeness and all his advances were
conducted with the most profound respect which is the most effectual expedient
a man can use against us if he can find means to persuade us that it proceeds
from the excess and delicacy of his passion It is no other than a silent
compliment by which our accomplishments are continually flattered and pleases
in proportion to the supposed understanding of him who pays it
By these arts and advantages this consummate politician in love began by
degrees to sap the foundations of my conjugal faith he stole imperceptibly into
my affection and by dint of opportunity which he well knew how to improve
triumphed at last over all his rivals
Nor was he the only person that disputed my heart with Earl C who was
also rivaled by lord C H a Scotchman who had been an intimate and relation
of my former husband This gentleman I would have preferred to most of his
competitors and I coqueted with him for some time but this amour was
interrupted by his going to Ireland upon which occasion understanding that he
was but indifferently provided with money I made him a present of a gold
snuffbox in which was inclosed a banknote a trifling mark of my esteem
which he afterwards justified by the most grateful friendly and genteel
behaviour and as we corresponded by letters I frankly told him that Mr S
had stept in and won the palm from all the rest of my admirers
This new favourites mother and sisters who lived in the neighbourhood
were my constant companions and in consequence of this intimacy he never let
a day pass without paying his respects to me in person nay so ingenious was he
in contriving the means of promoting his suit that whether I rode or walked
went abroad or stayed at home he was always of course one of the party so that
his design seemed to ingross his whole vigilance and attention Thus he studied
my disposition and established himself in my good opinion at the same time He
found my heart was susceptible of every tender impression and saw that I was
not free from the vanity of youth he had already acquired my friendship and
esteem from which he knew there was a short and easy transition to love and by
his penetration choosing proper seasons for the theme urged it with such
pathetic vows and artful adulation as well might captivate a young woman of my
complexion and inexperience and circumstanced as I was with a husband whom I
had such reason to despise
Tho he thus made an insensible progress in my heart he did not find my
virtue an easy conquest and I myself was ignorant of the advantage he had
gained with regard to my inclinations until I was convinced of his success by
an alarm of jealousy which I one day felt at seeing him engaged in conversation
with another lady I forthwith recognized this symptom of love with which I had
been formerly acquainted and trembled at the discovery of my own weakness I
underwent a strange agitation and mixture of contrary sensations I was pleased
with the passion yet ashamed of avowing it even to my own mind The rights of a
husband tho mine was but a nominal one occurred to my reflexion and virtue
modesty and honour forbad me to cherish the guilty flame
While I encouraged these laudable scruples and resolved to sacrifice my
love to duty and reputation my lord was almost every day employed in riding
post to my father with complaints of my conduct which was hitherto
irreproachable tho the greatest grievance which he pretended to have suffered
was my refusing to comply with his desire when he intreated me to lie a whole
hour every morning with my neck uncovered that by gazing he might quiet the
perturbation of his spirits From this request you may judge of the man as well
as of the regard I must entertain for his character and disposition
During the whole summer I was besieged by my artful undoer and in the
autumn set out with my lord for Bath where by reason of the intimacy that
subsisted between our families we lived in the same house with my lover and his
sister who with another agreeable young lady accompanied us in this
expedition By this time Mr S had extorted from me a confession of a mutual
flame tho I assured him that it should never induce me to give up the valuable
possessions of an unspotted character and a conscience void of offence I
offered him all the enjoyment he could reap from an unreserved intercourse of
souls abstracted from any sensual consideration and he eagerly embraced the
Platonic proposal because he had sagacity enough to foresee the issue of such
chimerical contracts and knew me too well to think he could accomplish his
purpose without seeming to acquiesce in my own terms and cultivating my
tenderness under the specious pretext
In consequence of this agreement we took all opportunities of seeing each
other in private and these interviews were spent in mutual protestations of
disinterested love This correspondence tho dangerous was on my side
equally innocent and endearing and many happy hours we passd before my
sentiments were discovered At length my lover was taken ill and then my
passion burst out beyond the power of concealment my grief and anxiety became
so conspicuous in my countenance and my behaviour was so indiscreet that every
body in the house perceived the situation of my thoughts and blamed my conduct
accordingly
Certain it is I was extremely imprudent tho intentionally innocent I have
lain whole nights by my lord who teized and tormented me for that which neither
I could give nor he could take and ruminated on the fatal consequence of this
unhappy flame until I was worked into a fever of disquiet I saw there was no
safety but in flight and often determined to banish myself for ever from the
sight of this dangerous intruder But my resolution always failed at the
approach of day and my desire of seeing him as constantly recurred So far was
I from persisting in such commendable determinations that on the eve of our
departure from Bath I felt the keenest pangs of sorrow at our approaching
separation and as we could not enjoy our private interviews at my house in
town I promised to visit him at his own apartments after he had sworn by all
thats sacred that he would take no sinister advantage of my condescension by
presuming upon the opportunities I should give
He kept his word for he saw I trusted to it with fear and trembling and
perceived that my apprehension was not affected but the natural concern of a
young creature distracted between love and duty whom had he alarmed he never
would have seen within his doors again Instead of pressing me with
sollicitations in favour of his passion he was more than ever respectful and
complaisant so that I found myself disengaged of all restraint conducted the
conversation shortened and repeated my visits at my own pleasure till at
last I became so accustomed to this communication that his house was as
familiar to me as my own
Having in this manner secured himself in my confidence he resumed the
favourite topic of love and warming my imagination by gradual advances on the
subject my heart began to pant and when he saw me thus he snatched the
favourable occasion to practise all his eloquence and art I could not resist
his energy nor even fly from the temptation that assailed me until he had
obtained a promise that he should at our next meeting reap the fruits of his
tedious expectation Upon this condition I was permitted to retire and blessed
heaven for my escape fully determined to continue in the path of virtue I had
hitherto trod and stifle the criminal flame by which my peace and reputation
were endangered But his idea which reigned within my heart without controul
soon baffled all those prudent suggestions
I saw him again and he reminded me of my promise which I endeavoured to
evade with affected pleasantry upon which he manifested the utmost displeasure
and chagrin shedding some crocodile tears and upbraiding me with levity and
indifference He observed that he had sollicited my favour for ten long months
without intermission and imagined I had held out so long on virtuous motives
only but now he could plainly perceive that his want of success had been owing
to my want of affection and that all my professions were insincere in a word
he persuaded me that his remonstrances were just and reasonable I could not
see the affliction of a man I loved when I knew it was in my power to remove
it and rather than forfeit his opinion of my sincerity and love I consented to
his wish My heart now flutters at the remembrance of the dear tho fatal
indiscretion yet I reflect without remorse and even remember it with pleasure
If I could not avoid the censure of the world I was resolved to bear it
without repining and sure the guilt if there was any in my conduct was but
venial for I considered myself as a person absolved of all matrimonial ties by
the insignificance of lord who tho a nominal husband was in fact a mere
non entity I therefore contracted a new engagement with my lover to which I
resolved to adhere with the most scrupulous fidelity without the least
intention of injuring my lord or his relations for had our mutual passion
produced any visible effects I would immediately have renounced and abandoned
my husband for ever that the fruit of my love for Mr S might not have
inherited to the detriment of the right heir This was my determination which
I thought just if not prudent and for which I have incurred the imputation of
folly in the opinion of this wise and honest generation by whose example and
advice I have since that time been a little reformed in point of prudentials
tho I still retain a strong tendency to return to my primitive way of thinking
When I quitted Mr S after the sacrifice I had made and returned to my
own bed it may perhaps be supposed that I slept but little True I was kept
awake by the joyful impatience of revisiting my lover Indeed I neglected no
opportunity of flying to his arms when lord was in the country we enjoyed
each others company without interruption but when he resided in town our
correspondence was limited to stolen interviews which were unspeakably
delicious as genuine love presided at the entertainment
Such was my happiness in the course of this tender communication that to
this day I remember it with pleasure tho it has cost me dear in the sequel
and was at that time enjoyed at a considerable expence for I devoted myself so
intirely to my lover who was desirous of engrossing my time and thoughts that
my acquaintance which was very numerous justly accused me of neglect and of
consequence cooled in their friendships but I was all for love or the world
well lost And were the same opportunity to offer I would act the same conduct
over again
Some there are who possibly may wonder how I could love twice with such
violence of affection but all such observers must be unacquainted with the
human heart Mine was naturally adapted for the tender passions and had been so
fortunate so cherished in its first impressions that it felt with joy the
same sensations revive when influenced by the same engaging qualifications
Certain it is I loved the second time as well as the first and better was
impossible I gave up my all for both fortune and my fathers favour for the
one reputation friends and fortune for the other Yet notwithstanding this
intimate connexion I did not relinquish the world all at once on the contrary
I still appeared at court and attracted the notice and approbation of my royal
patroness I danced with the p of W a circumstance which so nearly affected
Mr S who was present that in order to manifest his resentment he chose the
ugliest woman in the ball for his partner and I no sooner perceived his
uneasiness than I gave over with a view of appeasing his displeasure
Without repeating particular circumstances let it suffice to say our
mutual passion was a perfect copy of that which had subsisted between me and my
dear lord Wm It was jealous melting and delicate and checquered with little
accidents which serve to animate and maintain the flame in its first ardency
of rapture When my lover was sick I attended and nursed him with indefatigable
tenderness and care and during an indisposition which I caught in the
performance of this agreeable office he discharged the obligation with all the
warmth of sympathy and love
It was however judged necessary by the physicians that I should use the
Bathwaters for the recovery of my health and I set out for that place glad of
a pretence to be absent from lord with whom I lived on very unhappy terms
He had about nine months after our marriage desired that we might sleep in
separate beds and gave a very whimsical reason for this proposal He said the
immensity of his love deprived him of the power of gratification and that some
commerce with an object to which his heart was not attached might by
diminishing the transports of his spirits recompose his nerves and enable him
to enjoy the fruits of his good fortune
You may be sure I made no objections to this plan which was immediately put
in execution He made his addresses to a nymph of Drurylane whose name as he
told me was Mrs Rock She made shift to extract some money from her patient
but his infirmity was beyond the power of her art though she made some mischief
between us and I communicated my suspicion to duke H who intended to have
expostulated with her upon the subject but she got intimation of his design
and saved him the trouble by a precipitate retreat
After my return from the Bath where Mr S and I had lived happily until
we were interrupted by the arrival of my husband his lordship expressed an
inclination to be my bedfellow again but in this particular I desired to be
excused for though I would not be the first to propose the separation which
though usual in other countries is contrary to the custom of England being
unwilling to furnish the least handle for censure as my character was still
unblemished yet when the proposal came from himself I thought myself intitled
to refuse a reunion to which I accordingly objected
This opposition produced a quarrel which rose to a state of perpetual
animosity so that we began to talk of parting My lord relished the expedient
agreeing to add three hundred pounds a year to my pinmoney which by the bye
was never paid and I renounced all state and grandeur to live in a small house
that I hired at Casehorton where I passed my time for two months in the most
agreeable retirement with my dear lover till I was disturbed by the intrusion
of my lord who molested me with visits and solicitations to return pretending
that he had changed his mind and insisting upon my compliance with his desire
I exhausted my invention in endeavours to evade his request but he
persecuted me without ceasing so that I was fain to capitulate on condition
that we should immediately set out for France and that he should not presume to
approach my bed till our arrival at Calais We accordingly departed for that
kingdom and far from infringing the last article of our treaty his lordship
did not insist upon his privilege before we reached the capital of France
Mean while I began to feel the effect of my passion in a very interesting
manner and communicated my discovery to the dear author of it who would not
leave me in such an affecting situation but took the first opportunity of
following us to France
In our road to Paris we stoppd to visit Chantilly a magnificent Chateau
belonging to the prince of Condé and there met by accident with some English
noblemen to whom I was known The prince and his sisters invited me very
politely into the gallery where they sat They complimented me on my person and
seemed to admire my dress which was altogether new to them being a blue
English ridinghabit trimmed with gold and an hat with a feather They were
particularly well pleased with my hair which hung down to my waist and pressed
me to stay a fortnight at their house an invitation which I was very much
mortified at being obliged to refuse because my lord did not understand the
French language I was inchanted with the place and the company the women being
amiable and the men polite nor were they strangers to my name and story for
Mr S calling at the same place a few days after they rallied him on my
account
When we arrived at Paris the first thing I did was to metamorphose myself
into a French woman I cut off my hair hid a very good complexion of my own
with Rouge reconciled myself to powder which I had never used before put on a
robe with a large hoop and went to the Thuilleries full of spirits and joy
for at that time every thing conspired to make me happy I had health youth and
beauty love vanity and affluence and found myself surrounded with diversions
which were gay new and agreeable My appearance drew upon me the eyes of the
whole company who considered me as a stranger but not a foreigner so
compleatly was I equipped in the fashion of the French and when they understood
who I was they applauded my person with the most lavish encomiums according to
their known politeness
After having made a circuit round all the public places of entertainment in
Paris I was introduced into company by an English family residing in that
city and among others became acquainted with a French lady whose charms were
remarkably attractive The duke of K was her admirer but she lived in
reputation with her mother and an agreeable sister whose lover was the prince
of C for almost every lady in France has her Amant
With this charming woman whose name was Madam De la T I often made
parties of pleasure The duke Mr S she and I used to meet in the Bois de
Boulogne which is a pleasant wood at a small distance from Paris whither the
company repairs in the summerseason for the benefit of the air and after
having amused ourselves among the groves embarked in his graces equipage
which was extremely elegant being a calash drawn by six fine longtailed greys
adorned with ribbons in the French taste and thus we were conducted to a little
inchanted or at least inchanting palace possessed by the duke at one end of
the town The lower apartment appropriated to me was furnished with yellow and
silver the bed surrounded with lookingglasses and the door opened into a
garden laid out in a cradlewalk and intervening parterres of roses and other
flowers Above stairs my female companion lodged in a chamber furnished with
chintz We supped all together in the saloon which though small was perfectly
elegant The company was always goodhumoured the conversation sprightly and
joyous and the scene though often repeated still delightful and entertaining
At other times Mr S and I used to pass our evenings at the palace of the
prince of C which his highness lent us for our accommodation The apartments
opened into the gardens of the Luxembourg and were in point of magnificence
suitable to the owner Thither I used to repair in a flaming equipage on
pretence of visiting and spent the best part of the night with him who was
dearer to me than all the princes in the world
While I was happily engaged in these ravishing parties my little lord was
employed in efforts to recover his health by restoratives and I know not what
for he still lamented the enfeebling effects of his passion and complained
that he loved me more like an angel than a woman though he strove to govern his
affection according to the doctrines of the christian religion as he regulated
his life by the maxims of Charles the twelfth of Sweden The meaning of this
declaration I could never learn and indeed I have been often tempted to
believe he had no meaning at all
Be that as it will I found my size visibly increasing and my situation
extremely uneasy on account of the perpetual wrangling which prevailed betwixt
us in consequence of his desiring to sleep with me again after we had parted
beds for the second time and that I might be no longer exposed to such
disagreeable persecution I resolved to leave him though at the hazard of my
life
Thus determined I went to the British embassador in an hackney coach and
in order to disguise my youth which might have prepossessed him against my
judgment muffled myself up in a black hood which as he said instead of
lending an air of gravity to my countenance added a wildness to my looks which
was far from being disagreeable He had been a gallant man in his youth and
even then though well stricken in years was not insensible to the power of
beauty This disposition perhaps rendered him more favourable to my cause
though he at first advised me to return to my husband but finding me obstinate
he undertook to serve me in my own way and procure a protection from the French
king by virtue of which I could live at Paris unmolested by my lord
Nevertheless he advised me if I was determined to leave him to make the best
of my way to England and sue for a divorce
I relished his opinion and concealed myself about three days in Paris
during which I borrowed some linen for as it was impossible to convey any
thing out of my own house without suspicion I had neither cloaths for my
accommodation nor a servant to wait on me
In this solitary condition I took the road to Flanders after I had put my
lord upon a wrong scent by writing a letter to him dated at Calais and
travelled through an unknown country without any other attendant than the
postilion being subjected to this inconvenience by the laws of France which
are so severe in some particulars that if any person had been apprehended with
me he would have suffered death for going off with a mans wife though any
man might go to bed with the same woman without fear of incurring any legal
punishment
I proceeded night and day without intermission that I might the sooner
reach Flanders where I knew I should be safe and as the nights were
excessively cold I was fain to wrap myself up in flannel which I bought for
the purpose as I had no cloaths to keep me warm and travelled in an open
chaise While we passed through dreary woods quite remote from the habitations
of men I was not without apprehension of being stripped and murthered by the
postilion and in all probability owed my safety to the indigence of my
appearance which might also protect me in two miserable places where I was
obliged to lie before I got out of the territories of France for as I could
not reach the great towns where I intended to lodge I was under the necessity
of putting up at little wretched hovels where no provision was to be had but
sour brown bread and sourer cheese and every thing seemed to denote the dens of
despair and assassination
I made shift however to subsist on this fare uncomfortable as it was
confided in the meanness of my equipage for the security of my person and at
length arriving at Brussels fixed my quarters in the Hotel de Flandre so well
known to the English since where I thought myself extremely happy in the
accomplishment of my flight
I had not been full two days in this place when I was blessed with the
sight of my lover and having concerted measures for proceeding to England I
hired a tall fine Liegeoise for a maid and setting out for Ostend we embarked
in a vessel in which Mr S had bespoke our passage Our voyage was short and
prosperous and the time most agreeably spent in the company of my dear partner
who was a most engaging man in all respects as I dare say my lady O has since
found him
I assumed a fictitious name took private lodgings in Polandstreet
retained lawyers and commenced a suit for separation against my lord I
communicated the reasons of my elopement to my father who was shocked and
surprised at my conduct which he condemned with expressions of sorrow and
resentment But the step was taken nor did I repent of what I had done except
on his account
In the morning after my arrival at London I waited upon the
lordchiefjustice to whom I complained of the usage I had received from my
lord whose temper was teazing tiresome and intolerably capricious His
behaviour was a strange compound of madness and folly seasoned with a small
proportion of sense no wonder then that I who am hot and hasty should be
wretched under the persecution of such a perverse humourist who used to
terrify me and scold at me the whole night without intermission and shake my
pillow from time to time that I might not sleep while he tormented me with his
disagreeable expostulations I have been often frightened almost out of my
senses at seeing him convulsed by the most unreasonable passion and chagrined
to the highest degree of disgust to find by repeated observation his
disposition so preposterous that his satisfaction and displeasure never
depended upon the cause he had to be satisfied or disobliged but on the
contrary when he had most reason to be pleased he was always most
discontented and very often in good humour when he had reason enough for
vexation
While I lived in Polandstreet I was engaged with lawyers and so often
visited by my father that I could not dedicate my whole time as usual to my
lover nor was it convenient that he should be seen in my company he therefore
took a small house at Camberwell whither I went as often as I had an
opportunity and maintained the correspondence with such eagerness and industry
that although I was six months gone with child I have often by myself set out
for his habitation in an hackneycoach at eleven oclock at night and
returned by six in the morning that I might be in my own bed when my father
came to see me for I concealed my amour as well as the effects of it from his
knowledge and frequently took water from the Bridge that my motions might not
be discovered Nothing but the most passionate love could have supported my
spirits under such vicissitudes of fatigue or enabled my admirer to spend whole
days by himself in such a solitary retirement
By this time my lord was arrived in England and employed in discovering
the place of my retreat so that I lived in continual alarm and provided myself
with a speakingtrumpet which stood by my bedside to be used in calling for
assistance in case my pursuer should make an attack upon my lodgings
This situation being extremely uncomfortable I had no sooner begun my
process against him than I put myself intirely under the protection of Mr S
who conducted me to the house of a friend of his who lived in the country where
I was secure from the attempts of my husband
The world had now given me up and I had renounced the world with the most
perfect resignation I weighed in my own breast what I should lose in point of
character with what I suffered in my peace at home and found that my
reputation was not to be preserved except at the expence of my quiet for his
lordship was not disposed to make me easy had I been never so discreet I
therefore determined to give up a few ceremonial visits and empty professions
for the more substantial enjoyments of life
We passed our time very agreeably in various amusements with this friend
of Mr S until the term of my reckoning was almost expired then returned to
London and took lodgings in Southamptonstreet where I began to make
preparations for the approaching occasion Here I proposed to live with the
utmost circumspection I disguised my name saw nobody but my lawyer and lover
and never approached the window lest I should be discovered by accident
Notwithstanding these precautions my French maid whom I had sent for some
of my cloaths was dogged in her return and next morning my lord took my
lodgings by storm Had he given the assault in his own person only I make no
doubt but he would have suffered a repulse from the opposition of the
Liegeoise who made all the resistance in her power but was obliged to give way
to superior numbers
I was at that time abed and hearing an unusual noise below rung my bell
in order to know the cause of such disturbance I drew my curtain at the same
time and who should I see entering my chamber but his lordship attended by a
constable and the footman who had detected my retreat
Such an unexpected visit could not fail to affect me with surprize and
consternation however I summoned all my fortitude to my aid and perceiving
the fellows were about to open my windowshutters desired their principal to
order them down stairs He readily complied with my request and sitting down by
my bedside told me with an air of triumph that he had found me at last and I
frankly owned that I was heartily sorry for his success Instead of upbraiding
me with my escape he proceeded to entertain me with all the news in town and
gave me a minute detail of every thing which had happened to him since our
parting among other articles of intelligence giving me to understand that he
had challenged Mr S who had refused to fight him and was in disgrace with
the prince of W on that account
But here his lordship did not strictly adhere to the naked truth he had
indeed before our departure for the country gone to my lover and insisted
upon having satisfaction in Hydepark two days from the date of his demand and
at three oclock in the afternoon S believing him in earnest accepted the
invitation though he observed that these affairs could not be discussed too
soon and wished the time of meeting might be at an earlier hour But his
lordship did not choose to alter the circumstances of his first proposal and
when he went away said he should expect him at the appointed time and place if
it did not rain
His antagonist gave me an account of the conversation when I assured him
the whole business would end in smoke Accordingly my lord sent him a letter on
Monday desiring that the assignation might be deferred till Thursday that he
might have time to settle his affairs and pay S an hundred pounds which he
had formerly borrowed of him When Thursday came he was favoured with another
epistle importing that the challenger had changed his mind and would seek
satisfaction at law Thus ended that heroic exploit which his lordship now
boasted of with such arrogant misrepresentation
Whilst he regaled me with these interesting particulars I was contriving a
scheme to frustrate the discovery he had made so that I did not contradict his
assertions but told him that if he would go down stairs I would rise and come
to breakfast He consented to this proposal with great chearfulness and I own
I was not a little surprized to find him at this first interview in as good
humour as if nothing had happened to interrupt the felicity of our matrimonial
union
It cost me some invention to conceal my condition from his notice being now
within a week of the expected crisis but I knew I had to do with a man of no
great penetration and succeeded in my attempt accordingly We breakfasted with
great harmony and I invited him to dinner after having prevailed upon him to
send away his myrmidons whom nevertheless he ordered to return at eleven
oclock at night We conversed together with great gaiety and mirth and when I
rallied him for visiting me in such a dishabille he stood atiptoe to view
himself in the glass and owning I was in the right said he would go and dress
himself before dinner
He accordingly went away charging my maid to give him entrance at his
return and he was no sooner gone than I wrote to Mr S giving him an account
of what had happened then without having determined upon any certain plan
huddled on my cloaths muffled myself up and calling a chair went to the next
tavern where I stayed no longer than was sufficient to change my vehicle and
to the astonishment of the drawers who could not conceive the meaning of my
perturbation proceeded to a shop in the neighbourhood where I dismissed my
second chair and procured an hackney coach in which I repaired to the lodgings
of my lawyer whom I could trust Having made him acquainted with the
circumstances of my distress and consulted him about a proper place of retreat
after some recollection he directed me to a little house in a court to which
by the assistance of my lover my woman and cloaths were safely conveyed that
same evening
My lord however came to dinner according to invitation and did not seem
at all alarmed when my maid told him I was gone but stepped to my lawyer to
know if he thought I should return and upon his answering in the affirmative
and advising his lordship to go back in the mean time and eat the dinner I had
provided he very deliberately took his advice made a very hearty meal drank
his bottle of wine and as I did not return according to his expectation
withdrew in order to consult his associates
This motion of his furnished my woman with an opportunity of making her
retreat and when he returned at night the coast was clear and he found no
body in the house but a porter who had been left to take care of the furniture
He was so enraged at this disappointment that he made a furious noise which
raised the whole neighbourhood reinforced his crew with the authority of a
justice of the peace tarried in the street till three oclock in the morning
discharged a lodging he had hired at a barbers shop opposite to the house from
which I had escaped and retired with the comfortable reflexion of having done
every thing which man could do to retrieve me
The hurry of spirits and surprize I had undergone in effecting this
retreat produced such a disorder in my constitution that I began to fear I
should be delivered before I could be provided with necessaries for the
occasion I signified my apprehension to Mr S who with infinite care and
concern endeavoured to find a more convenient place and after all his
inquiries was obliged to fix upon a paultry apartment in the city tho his
tenderness was extremely shocked at the necessity of choosing it However there
was no remedy nor time to be lost to this miserable habitation I was carried
in an hackney coach and tho extremely ill bore my fate with spirit and
resignation in testimony of my sincere and indelible attachment to my lover
for whose ease and pleasure I could have suffered every inconvenience and even
sacrificed my life
Immediately after I had taken possession of my wretched apartment I was
constrained by my indisposition to go to bed and send for the necessary help
and in a few hours a living pledge of my love and indiscretion saw the light
tho the terrors and fatigue I had undergone had affected this little innocent
so severely that it scarce discovered any visible signs of life
My grief at this misfortune was inexpressible I forthwith dispatched a
message to the dear the anxious father who flew to my arms and shared my
sorrow with all the gentleness of love and parental fondness yet our fears
were happily disappointed by the recovery of our infant daughter who was
committed to the charge of a nurse in the neighbourhood so that I could every
day be satisfied in my inquiries about her health Thus I continued a whole
fortnight in a state of happiness and tranquillity being blessed with the
conversation and tender offices of my admirer whose love and attention I wholly
ingrossed In a word he gave up all business and amusement and concentred all
his care and assiduity in ministring to my ease and satisfaction And sure I had
no cause to regret what I had suffered on his account
But this my agreeable situation was one day disturbed by a most alarming
accident by which my life was drawn into imminent danger The room under my
bedchamber took fire I immediately smelled it and saw the people about me in
the utmost perplexity and consternation tho they would not own the true cause
of their confusion lest my health should suffer in the fright Nevertheless I
was so calm in my inquiries that they ventured to tell me my suspicion was but
too just upon which I gave such directions as I thought would secure me from
catching cold in case there should be a necessity for removing me but the fire
being happily extinguished I escaped that ceremony which might have cost me my
life Indeed it was surprising that the agitation of my spirits did not produce
some fatal effect upon my constitution and I looked upon my deliverance as the
protection of a particular providence
Tho I escaped the hazard of a sudden removal I found it was high time to
change my lodgings because the neighbours rushing into the house upon the
alarm of fire had discovered my situation though they were ignorant of my
name and I did not think myself safe in being the subject of their
conjectures Mr S therefore procured another apartment with better
accommodation to which I was carried as soon as my health would admit of my
removal and soon after my lord wrote to me by the hands of my lawyer
earnestly intreating me to drop my prosecution and come home But I would not
comply with his request and nothing was farther from my intention than the
desire of receiving any favours at his hands
Thus repulsed he set on foot a most accurate search for my person in the
course of which he is said to have detected several ladies and young girls who
had reasons for keeping themselves concealed and had like to have been very
severely handled for his impertinent curiosity Being unsuccessful in all his
attempts he entered into treaty with one Sir R H a person of a very
indifferent character who undertook to furnish him with an infallible expedient
to discover the place of my abode if he would gratify him with a bond for a
thousand pounds which being executed accordingly this worthy knight advertised
me and my maid in the public papers offering one hundred pounds as a reward to
any person who should disclose the place of our retirement
As soon as the paper fell into my hands I was again involved in perplexity
and being afraid of staying in town resolved with the concurrence of my lover
to accept of an invitation I had received from the duke of K who had by this
time arrived in England with that lady whom I have already mentioned as one of
our parties at Paris Having visited my little infant I next day set out for
the dukes countryseat which is a most elegant chateau and stands in a
charming situation Mr S followed in a few days we met with a very cordial
reception his grace was civil and goodnatured lived nobly and loved pleasure
Madam la T was formed to please there was always a great deal of good company
in the house so that we passed our time agreeably in playing at billiards and
cards hunting walking reading and conversation
But my terms of happiness were generally of short duration In the midst of
all this felicity I was overtaken by a most severe affliction in the death of
my dear hapless infant who had ingrossed a greater share of my tenderness than
perhaps I even should have paid to the offspring of a legitimate contract
because the circumstance of her birth would have been an unsurmountable
misfortune to her thro the whole course of her life and rendered her
absolutely dependent on my love and protection
While I still lamented the untimely fate of this fair blossom lord came
down and demanded me as his wife but the suit which I then maintained against
him deprived him for the present of an husbands right and therefore the duke
would not deliver me into his hands
In six months he repeated his visit and demand and an agreement was patched
up in consequence of which I consented to live in the same house with him on
condition that he should never desire to sleep with me or take any other
measure to disturb my peace otherwise I should be at liberty to leave him
again and intitled to the provision of a separate maintenance To these
articles I assented by the advice of my lawyers with a view of obtaining the
payment of my pinmoney which I had never received since our parting but
subsisted on the sale of my jewels which were very considerable and had been
presented to me with full power of alienation As to my lover he had no fortune
to support me and for that reason I was scrupulously cautious of augmenting his
expence
We had now enjoyed each others company for three years during which our
mutual passion had suffered no abatement nor had my happiness been mixed with
any considerable allay except that late stroke of providence which I have
already mentioned and the reflexion of the sorrow that my conduct had intailed
upon my dear father whom I loved beyond expression and whom nothing could have
compelled me to disoblige but a more powerful flame that prevailed over every
other consideration As I was now forced to break off this inchanting
correspondence it is not to be doubted that our parting cost us the most acute
sensations of grief and disappointment However there was no remedy I tore
myself from his arms took my leave of the family after having acknowledged my
obligations to the duke and set out for the place of rendezvous where I was
met by my lord attended by a steward whom he had lately engaged and who was
one chief cause of our future separations My lord having quitted his house in
town conducted me to his lodgings in PallMall and insisted upon sleeping with
me the first night but I refused to gratify his desire on the authority of our
agreement
This dispute produced a quarrel in consequence of which I attempted to
leave the house and he endeavouring to prevent my retreat I fairly locked him
in ran down stairs and calling a hackney coach made the best of my way into
the city to my fathers lodgings where I lay the family being in town tho
he himself was in the country I wrote to him immediately and when he came to
London declared my intention of separating from my lord with which seeing me
obstinate and determined he at length acquiesced and a formal separation
accordingly ensued which at that time I thought binding and immutable
I was now sheltered under the wings of an indulgent father who had taken me
into favour again on the supposition that my commerce with Mr S was
absolutely at an end Nevertheless tho we had separated in all appearance
for ever we had previously agreed to maintain our correspondence in private
interviews which should escape the notice of the world with which I was again
obliged to keep some measures
Our parting at the duke of Ks house in the country was attended with all
the genuine marks of sincere and reciprocal affection and I lived in the sweet
hope of seeing him again in all the transport of his former passion when my
lawyer who received my letters brought me a billet one night just as I had
gone to bed Seeing the superscription of Ss handwriting I opened it with
all the impatience of an absent lover but how shall I describe the astonishment
and consternation with which I was seized when I perused the contents Instead
of the most tender vows and protestations this fatal epistle began with Madam
the best thing you can do is to return to your father or some cold and killing
expression to that effect
Heaven and earth what did I feel at this dire conjuncture The light
forsook my eyes a cold sweat bedewed my limbs and I was overwhelmed with such
a torrent of sorrow and surprize that every body present believed I would have
died under the violent agitation They endeavoured to support my spirits with
repeated draughts of strong liquor which had no sensible effect upon my
constitution tho for eight whole years I had drank nothing stronger than
water and I must have infallibly perished in the first extasy of my grief had
it not made its way in a fit of tears and exclamation in which I continued all
night to the amazement of the family whom my condition had alarmed and raised
from their repose My father was the only person who guessed the cause of my
affliction he said he was sure I had received some ill usage in a letter or
message from that rascal S so he termed him in the bitterness of passion
At mention of that name my agony redoubled to such a degree that all who
were present wept at sight of my deplorable condition My poor father shed a
flood of tears and conjured me to tell him the cause of my disquiet upon
which rather than confess the truth I amused his concern by pretending that
my lover was ill The whole family having stayed by me till I was a little more
composed left me to the care of my maid who put me into bed about six in the
morning but I enjoyed no rest I revolved every circumstance of my conduct
endeavouring to find out the cause of this fatal change in Ss disposition and
as I could recollect nothing which could justly give offence concluded that
some malicious persons had abused his ears with stories to my prejudice
With this conjecture I got up and sent my lawyer to him with a letter
wherein I insisted upon seeing him that I might have an opportunity of
justifying myself in person a task which would be easily performed as I had
never offended but in loving too well I waited with the most anxious
impatience for the return of my messenger who brought me an answer couched in
the coldest terms of civility which indifference could dictate acknowledging
however that he had nothing to lay to my charge but that it was for the good
of us both we should part He ought to have reflected on that before not
after I had sacrificed my all for his love I was well nigh distracted by this
confirmation of his inconstancy and I wonder to this day how I retained the use
of reason, under such circumstances of horror and despair My grief laid aside
all decorum and restraint I told my father that S was dying and that I would
visit him with all expedition
Startled at the proposal this careful parent demonstrated the fatal
consequence of such an unguarded step reminded me of the difficulty with which
he had prevailed upon my mother and uncle to forgive my former imprudence
observed that his intention was to carry me into the country next day in order
to effect a perfect reconciliation but now I was on the brink of forfeiting all
pretensions to their regard by committing another fatal error which could not
possibly be retrieved and that for his part whatever pangs it might cost him
he was resolved to banish me from his sight for ever
While he uttered this declaration the tears trickled down his cheeks and he
seemed overwhelmed with the keenest sorrow and mortification so it may be
easily conceived what were the impressions of my grief reinforced with the
affliction of a father whom I dearly loved and the consciousness of being the
cause of all his disquiet I was struck dumb with remorse and woe and when I
recovered the use of speech I told him how sensible I was of his great goodness
and humanity and owned how little I deserved his favour and affection that the
sense of my own unworthiness was one cause of my present distraction for such
was the condition of my fate that I must either see S or die I said tho I
could not expect his forgiveness I was surely worthy of his compassion that
nothing but the most irresistible passion could have misled me at first from my
duty or tempted me to incur the least degree of his displeasure that the same
fatal influence still prevailed and would in all probability continue to the
grave which was the only abode in which I hoped for peace
While I expressed myself in this manner my dear good father wept with the
most tender sympathy and saying I might do as I pleased for he had done with
me quitted the room leaving me to the cruel sensations of my own heart which
almost bursted with anguish upbraiding me with a fault which I could not help
committing
I immediately hired a chariot and six and would have set out by myself had
not my fathers affection which all my errors could not efface provided an
attendant He saw me quite delirious and desperate and therefore engaged a
relation of my own to accompany and take care of me in this rash expedition
During this journey which lasted two days I felt no remission of grief and
anxiety but underwent the most intolerable sorrow and suspense at last we
arrived at a little house called the Hut on Salisbury plain where in the most
frantic agitation I wrote a letter to S describing the miserable condition to
which I was reduced by his unkindness and desiring to see him with the most
earnest sollicitations
This billet I committed to the care of my attendant and laid strong
injunctions upon him to tell Mr S my injuries were so great and my despair
so violent that if he did not favour me with a visit I would go to him though
at his sisters house where he then was
He received my message with great coldness and told my friend that if I
would return to London without insisting upon the interview I demanded he
would in a little time follow me to town and every thing should be amicably
adjusted But when the messenger assured him that I was too much transported
with grief to hear of such a proposal he consented to meet me in the middle of
Salisbury plain that we might avoid all observation and though I was little
able to walk I set out on foot for the place of assignation my companion
following at a small distance
When I saw him leading his horse down the hill I collected all my
fortitude and advanced to him with all the speed I could exert but when I made
an effort to speak my tongue denied its office and so lively was the
expression of unutterable sorrow in my countenance that his heart hard as it
was melted at sight of my sufferings which he well knew proceeded from the
sincerity of my love At length I recovered the use of speech enough to tell
him that I was come to take my leave and when I would have proceeded my voice
failed me again but after a considerable pause I found means with great
difficulty to let him know how sensible I was of my own incapacity to retrieve
his lost affections but that I was willing if possible to retain his esteem
of which could I be assured I would endeavour to compose myself that I was
determined to leave the kingdom because I could not bear the sight of those
places where we had been so happy in our mutual love and that till my
departure I hoped he would visit me sometimes that I might by degrees wean
myself from his company for I should not be able to survive the shock of being
deprived of him all at once
This address may seem very humble to an unconcerned observer but love will
tame the proudest disposition as plainly appeared in my case for I had
naturally as much spirit or more than the generality of people have Mr S
was so much confounded at the manner of my behaviour that he scarce knew what
answer to make for as he afterwards owned he expected to hear himself
upbraided but he was not proof against my tenderness After some hesitation he
said he never meant to forsake me intirely that his affection was still
unimpaired and that he would follow me directly to London I imposed upon
myself and believed what he said because I could not bear to think of parting
with him for ever and returned to town in a more tranquil state of mind than
that in which I had left my father though my heart was far from being at ease
my fears being ingenious enough to foresee that I should never be able to
overcome his indifference
I took lodgings in Mountstreet and my maid having disposed of herself in
marriage hired another who supplied her place very much to my satisfaction
she was a good girl had a particular attachment to me and for many years
during which she lived in my service was indefatigably assiduous in
contributing to my ease or rather in alleviating my affliction for though
S came up to town according to promise and renewed a sort of correspondence
with me for the space of five months his complaisance would extend no farther
and he gave me to understand that he had determined to go abroad with Mr V
whom he accordingly accompanied in his envoyship to Dn
I understood the real cause of this expedition which notwithstanding his
oaths and protestations of unabated love and regard I construed into a palpable
mark of dislike and disrespect nor could the repeated assurances I received
from him in letters mitigate the anguish and mortification that preyed upon my
heart I therefore gave up all hopes of recovering the happiness I had lost I
told him on the eve of his departure that he might exercise his gallantry a
great while before he would meet with my fellow in point of sincerity and
love for I would rather have been a servant in his house with the privilege of
seeing him than the queen of England debarred of that pleasure
When he took his leave and went down stairs I shrunk at every step he
made as if a new wound had been inflicted upon me and when I heard the door
shut behind him my heart died within me I had the satisfaction to hear
afterwards he lamented the loss of me prodigiously and that he had never been
so happy since I sat down to write a letter in which I forgave his
indifference because I knew the affections are altogether involuntary and
wished him all the happiness he deserved I then walked up and down the room in
the most restless anxiety was put to bed by my maid rose at six mounted my
horse and rode forty miles in order to fatigue myself that I might next
night enjoy some repose This exercise I daily underwent for months together
and when it did not answer my purpose I used to walk round Hydepark in the
evening when the place was quite solitary and unvisited by any other creature
In the course of this melancholy perambulation I was one day accosted by a
very great man who after the first salutation asked whether or not my
intercourse with S was at an end and if I had any allowance from my husband
To the first of these questions I replied in the affirmative and to the last
answered that my lord did not allow me a great deal indeed I might have truly
said nothing at all but I was too proud to own my indigence He then expressed
his wonder how one like me who had been used to splendor and affluence from my
cradle could make shift to live in my present narrow circumstances and when I
told him that I could make a very good shift so I had peace he seemed to
lament my situation and very kindly invited me to sup with his wife at his
house I accepted the invitation without any apprehension of the consequence
and when I went to the place was introduced into an apartment magnificently
lighted up I suppose for my reception
After I had stayed alone for some time in this mysterious situation without
seeing a living soul my inviter appeared and said he hoped I would not take
it amiss that he and I were to sup by ourselves as he had something to say
which could not be so properly communicated before company or servants I then
for the first time perceived his drift to my no small surprize and
indignation and with evident marks of displeasure told him I was sure he had
nothing to propose that would be agreeable to my inclination and that I would
immediately leave the house Upon which he gave me to understand that I could
not possibly retire because he had sent away my chair and all his servants
were disposed to obey his orders
Incensed at this declaration which I considered as an insult I answered
with an air of resolution it was very well I despised his contrivance and was
afraid of nobody Seeing me thus alarmed he assured me I had no reason to be
afraid that he had loved me long and could find no other opportunity of
declaring his passion He said the Q had told him that lord C had renewed
his addresses to me and as he understood from my own mouth my correspondence
with S was absolutely broke off he thought himself as well intitled as
another to my regard In conclusion he told me that I might command his purse
and that he had power enough to bring me into the world again with éclat To
these advances I replied that he was very much mistaken in his opinion of my
character if he imagined I was to be won by any temptations of fortune and
very frankly declared that I would rather give myself to a footman than sell
myself to a prince
Supper being served we sat down together but I would neither eat nor drink
any thing except a little bread and water for I was an odd whimsical girl and
it came into my head that he might perhaps have mixed something in the
victuals or wine which would alter my way of thinking In short finding
himself baffled in all his endeavours he permitted me about twelve oclock to
depart in peace and gave up his suit as a desperate cause
This uncomfortable life did I lead for a whole twelvemonth without feeling
the least abatement of my melancholy and finding myself worn to a skeleton I
resumed my former resolution of trying to profit by change of place and
actually went abroad with no other attendant but my woman and the utmost
indifference for life My intention was to have gone to the South of France
where I thought I could have subsisted on the little I had left which amounted
to five hundred pounds until the issue of my lawsuit by which I hoped to
obtain some provision from my lord and without all doubt my expectation would
have been answered had I put this my plan in execution but being at Paris
from whence I purposed to set forward in a few days I sent to Mr K who had
been formerly intimate with my father and shewn me many civilities during my
first residence in France
This gentleman favoured me with a visit and when I made him acquainted with
my scheme dissuaded me from it as an uncomfortable determination and advised
me to stay at Paris where with good oeconomy I could live as cheap as in any
other place and enjoy the conversation and countenance of my friends among
which number he declared himself one of the most faithful assuring me that I
should be always welcome to his table and want for nothing and promising to
recommend me as a lodger to a friend of his with whom I would live in a frugal
and decent manner and that as the woman was well known and esteemed by all the
English company in Paris it would be the most reputable step I could take
considering my youth and situation to lodge with a creditable person who
could answer for my conduct Thus persuaded I very simply followed his advice
I say simply because notwithstanding his representations I soon found my
money melt away without any prospect of a fresh supply In lieu of this
however I passed my time very agreeably in several English and some French
families where in a little time I became quite intimate saw a great deal of
company and was treated with the utmost politeness and regard yet in the
midst of these pleasures many a melancholy sigh would rise at the remembrance
of my beloved S whom for several years I could not recollect without emotion
but time company amusements and change of place in a great measure
dissipated these ideas and enabled me to bear my fate with patience and
resignation
On my last arrival at Paris I was surrounded by a croud of professed
admirers who sighed and flattered in the usual forms but besides that my
heart was not yet in a condition to contract new engagements I was prepossessed
against them all by supposing that they presumed upon the knowledge of my
indiscretion with S and therefore rejected their addresses with detestation
and disdain for as I have already observed I was not to be won but by the
appearance of esteem and the most respectful carriage and though by a false
step I had in my own opinion forfeited my title to the one I was resolved to
discourage the advances of any man who seemed deficient in the other
In this manner my lovers were one by one repulsed almost as soon as they
presented themselves and I preserved the independance of my heart until I
became acquainted with a certain peer whom I often saw at the house of Mrs
P an English lady then resident at Paris This young nobleman professed
himself deeply enamoured of me in a stile so different from that of my other
admirers that I heard his protestations without disgust and though my
inclinations were still free could not find in my heart to discountenance his
addresses which were preferred with the most engaging modesty
disinterestedness and respect
By these neverfailing arts he gradually conquered my indifference and
gained the preference in my esteem from lord Cy and the prince of C who
were at that time his rivals But what contributed more than any consideration
to his success was his declaring openly that he would marry me without
hesitation as soon as I could obtain a divorce from my present husband which
in all probability might have been easily procured for before I left England
lord had offered me five thousand pounds if I would consent to such a mutual
release that he might be at liberty to espouse one Miss W of Kent to whom he
then made love upon honourable terms but I was fool enough to refuse his
proposal by the advice of S and whether or not his lordship finding it
impracticable to wed his new mistress began to make love upon another footing
I know not but certain it is the mother forbad him the house a circumstance
which he took so heinously ill that he appealed to the world in a public
advertisement beginning with Whereas for some time I have passionately loved
Miss W and upon my not complying with the mothers proposals they have
turned me out of doors this is to justify etc
This declaration signed with his name was actually printed in a number of
detached advertisements which he ordered to be distributed to the public and
afterwards being convinced by some of his friends that he had done a very
silly thing he recalled them at half a guinea apiece A copy of one of them was
sent to me at Paris and I believe my father has now one of the originals in his
possession After this wise vindication of his conduct he made an attempt to
carry off the lady from church by force of arms but she was rescued by the
neighbours headed by her brother who being an attorney had like to have made
his lordship smart severely for this exploit
Mean while my new admirer had made some progress in my heart and my
finances being exhausted I was reduced to the alternative of returning to lord
again or accepting earl Bs love When my affairs were brought to that
issue I made no hesitation in my choice putting myself under the protection of
a man of honour whom I esteemed rather than suffer every sort of
mortification from a person who was the object of my abhorrence and contempt
From a mistaken pride I chose to live in lord Bks house rather than be
maintained at his expence in any other place We spent several months agreeably
in balls and other diversions visited lord Bk who lived at the distance of a
few leagues from Paris and stayed some days at his house where the
entertainment was in all respects delightful elegant and refined Their
habitation was the rendezvous of the best company in France and lady Bk
maintained the same superiority in her own sex for which her lord is so justly
distinguished among the men
About Christmas we set out for England accompanied by a little North
Briton who lived with lord B as his companion and did not at all approve of
our correspondence whether out of real friendship for his patron or
apprehension that in time I might supersede his own influence with my lord I
shall not pretend to determine Be that as it will the frost was so severe
that we were detained ten days at Calais before we could get out of the
harbour and during that time I reflected seriously on what my new lover had
proposed as he was very young and unacquainted with the world I thought my
story might have escaped him and therefore determined to give him a faithful
detail of the whole that he might not have any thing to reproach me with in the
sequel besides I did not think it honest to engage him to do more for me than
he might afterwards perhaps think I was worth Accordingly I communicated to
him every particular of my life and the narration far from altering his
sentiments rather confirmed his good opinion by exhibiting an undoubted proof
of my frankness and sincerity In short he behaved with such generosity as
made an absolute conquest of my heart but my love was of a different kind from
that which had formerly reigned within my breast being founded upon the warmest
gratitude and esteem exclusive of any other consideration though his person
was very agreeable and his address engaging
When we arrived in England I went directly to his countryseat about
twelve miles from London where he soon joined me and we lived some time in
perfect retirement his relations being greatly alarmed with the apprehension
that lord would bring an action against him though he himself desired
nothing more and lived so easily under that expectation that they soon laid
aside their fears on his account
We were visited by Mr H B a relation of my lord and one Mr R of
the guards who with the little Scotch gentleman and my lover made an
agreeable set among whom I enjoyed hunting and all manner of country
diversions As to Mr H B if ever there was perfection in one man it
centered in him or at least he of all the men I ever knew approached nearest
to that idea which I had conceived of a perfect character He was both good and
great possessed an uncommon genius and the best of hearts Mr R was a very
sociable man had a good person and cultivated understanding and my lord was
excessively good humoured so that with such companions no place could be dull
or insipid for my own part I conducted the family and as I endeavoured to
please and make every body happy I had the good fortune to succeed Mr B told
me that before he saw me he heard I was a fool but finding as he was pleased
to say that I had been egregiously misrepresented he courted my friendship
and a correspondence commenced between us indeed it was impossible for any
person to know him without entertaining the utmost esteem and veneration for
his virtue
After I had lived some time in this agreeable retreat my husband began to
make a bustle he sent a message demanding me from lord B then came in
person with his nightcap in his pocket intending to have stayed all night
had he been asked and attended by a relation whom he assured that I was very
fond of him and detained by force from his arms
Finding himself disappointed in his expectations he commenced a lawsuit
against lord B though not for a divorce as we desired but with a view to
reclaim me as his lawful wife His lawyers however attempted to prove criminal
conversation in hopes of extorting money from my lover but their endeavours
were altogether fruitless for no servant of lord Bs or mine could with
justice say we were ever seen to trespass against modesty and decorum so that
the plaintiff was nonsuited
While this cause was depending all my lovers friends expressed fear and
concern for the issue while he himself behaved with the utmost resolution and
gave me such convincing proofs of a strong and steady affection as augmented my
gratitude and rivetted the ties of my love which was unblemished faithful and
sincere
Soon after this event I was seized with a violent fit of illness in which
I was visited by my father and attended by two physicians one of whom
despaired of my life and took his leave accordingly but Dr S who was the
other persisted in his attendance and in all human appearance saved my life
a circumstance by which he acquired a great share of reputation yet
notwithstanding all his assistance I was confined to my bed for ten weeks
during which lord Bs grief was immoderate his care and generosity
unlimited Whilst I lay in this extremity Mr S penetrated by my melancholy
condition which revived his tenderness beggd leave to be admitted to my
presence and lord B would have complied with his request had I not been
judged too weak to bear the shock of such an interview My constitution
however agreeably disappointed their fears and the fever had no sooner left
me than I was removed to a huntingseat belonging to my lover from whence
after I had recovered my strength we went to B Castle where we kept open
house and while we remained at this place lord B received a letter from lord
dated in November challenging him to single combat in May upon the
frontiers of France and Flanders This defiance was sent in consequence of what
had passed betwixt them long before my indisposition at a meeting in a certain
tavern where they quarrelled and in the fray my lover threw his antagonist
under the table I counselled him to take no notice of this rhodomontade which
I knew was void of all intention of performance and he was wise enough to
follow my advice resolved however should the message be repeated to take the
challenger at his word
Having resided some time in this place we returned to the other
countryhouse which we had left where lord B addicted himself so much to
hunting and other male diversions that I began to think he neglected me and
apprized him of my suspicion assuring him at the same time that I would leave
him as soon as my opinion should be confirmed
This declaration had no effect upon his behaviour which became so
remarkably cold that even Mr R who lived with us imagined that his
affection was palpably diminished When I went to town I was usually attended
by his cousin or this gentleman or both but seldom favoured with his company
nay when I repaired to Bath for the reestablishment of my health he
permitted me to go alone so that I was quite persuaded of his indifference and
yet I was mistaken in my opinion but I had been spoiled by the behaviour of
my first husband and Mr S who never quitted me for the sake of any
amusement and often resisted the calls of the most urgent business rather than
part from me tho but for a few hours I thought every man who loved me truly
would act in the same manner and whether I am right or wrong in my conjectures
I leave wiser casuists to judge Certain it is such sacrifice and devotion is
the most pleasing proof of an admirers passions and Voyez moi plus souvent
amp ne me donnez rien is one of my favourite maxims A man may give money
because he is profuse he may be violently fond because he is of a sanguine
constitution but if he gives me his time he gives me an unquestionable proof
of my being in full possession of his heart
My appearance at Bath without the company of lord B occasioned a general
surprize and encouraged the men to pester me with addresses every new admirer
endeavouring to advance his suit by demonstrating the unkind and disrespectful
behaviour of his lordship Indeed this was the most effectual string they could
touch my pride and resentment were alarmed and I was weak enough to listen to
one man who had like to have insinuated himself into my inclinations He was
tall and large boned with white hair inclining to what is called sandy and
had the reputation of being handsome tho I think he scarce deserved that
epithet He possessed a large fortune loved mischief and stuck at nothing for
the accomplishment of his designs one of his chief pleasures being that of
setting any two lovers at variance He employed his address upon me with great
assiduity and knew so well how to manage my resentment that I was pleased with
his manner heard his vows without disgust and in a word promised to
deliberate with myself upon his proposals and give him an account of my
determination in writing
Thus resolved I went to lord B in Wiltshire whither I was followed by
this pretender to my heart who visited us on the footing of an acquaintance
but when I reflected on what I had done I condemned my own conduct as
indiscreet though nothing decisive had passed between us and began to hate him
in proportion to the selfconviction I felt perceiving that I had involved
myself in a difficulty from which I should not be easily disengaged For the
present however I found means to postpone my declaration he admitted my
excuse and I returned to London with lord B who was again summoned to the
field by his former challenger
Hdn governor counsellor and steward to this little hero came to lord
B with a verbal message importing that his lordship had changed his mind
about going to Flanders but expected to meet him on such a day and hour in
the buryingground near Redlionsquare Lord B accepted the challenge and
gave me an account of what had passed but he had been anticipated by the
messenger who had already tried to alarm my fears from the consideration of
the consequence that I might take some measures to prevent their meeting But I
perceived his drift and told him plainly that lord had no intention to
risque his person tho he endeavoured with all his might to persuade me that
his principal was desperate and determined I knew my little husband too well
to think he would bring matters to any dangerous issue and was apprehensive of
nothing but foul play from the villainy of Hn with which I was equally well
acquainted Indeed I signified my doubts on that score to Mr B who would
have attended his kinsman to the field had he not thought he might be liable to
censure if any thing should happen to lord B because he himself was heir at
law for that reason he judiciously declined being personally concerned and we
pitched upon the earl of A his lordships uncle who willingly undertook the
office
At the appointed time they went to the place of rendezvous where they had
not waited long when the challenger appeared in a new pink satin waistcoat
which he had put on for the occasion with his sword under his arm and his
steward by him leaving in an hackney coach at some distance a surgeon whom
he had provided for the care of his person Thus equipped he advanced to his
antagonist and desired him to choose his ground upon which lord B told him
that if he must fall it was not material which grave he should tumble over
Our little hero finding him so jocose and determined turned to lord A and
desired to speak with him that he might disburden his conscience before they
should begin the work of death They accordingly went aside and he gave him to
understand that his motive for fighting was lord Bs detaining his wife from
him by compulsion The earl of A assured him he was egregiously mistaken in
his conjecture that his nephew used no force or undue influence to keep me in
his house but it could not be expected that he would turn me out of doors
This explanation was altogether satisfactory to lord who said he was far
from being so unreasonable as to expect lord B would commit such a breach of
hospitality and all he desired was that his wife should be left to her own
inclinations Upon these articles peace was concluded and they parted without
bloodshed At least these are the particulars of the story as they were related
by lord A with whom I laughd heartily at the adventure for I never doubted
that the challenger would find some expedient to prevent the duel tho I
wondered how he mustered up resolution enough to carry it so far
That he might not however give us any more trouble we resolved to go and
enjoy ourselves in France whither I went by myself in hopes of being soon
joined by my lover who was obliged to stay some time longer in England to
settle his affairs He was so much affected at our parting tho but for a few
weeks that he was almost distracted and this affliction renewed my tenderness
for him because it was an undoubted proof of his love I wrote to him every
post from France and as I had no secrets desired him to take care of all the
letters that should come to his house directed to me after my departure from
England
This was an unfortunate office for him in the execution of which he chanced
to open a letter from Sir T A with whom as I have already observed I had
some correspondence at Bath I had according to my promise given this
gentleman a decisive answer importing that I was determined to remain in my
present situation but as lord B was ignorant of my sentiments in that
particular and perceived from the letter that something extraordinary had
passed between us and that I was earnestly sollicited to leave him he was
seized with the utmost consternation and concern and having previously obtained
the kings leave to go abroad set out that very night for France leaving his
affairs in the greatest confusion
Sir T A hearing I was gone without understanding the cause of my
departure took the same rout and both arrived at Dover next day They heard of
each others motions each bribed the master of a packetboat to transport him
with expedition but that depending upon the wind both reached Calais at the
same time tho in different vessels Sir T sent his valet de chambre post
with a letter intreating me to accompany him into Italy where he would make me
mistress of his whole fortune and to set out directly for that country that he
might not lose me by the arrival of lord B promising to join me on the road
if I would consent to make him happy I sent his messenger back with an answer
wherein I expressed surprize at his proposals after having signified my
resolution to him before I left England and he was scarce dismissed when I
received another letter from lord B beseeching me to meet him at Clermont
upon the road from Calais and conjuring me to avoid the sight of his rival
should he get the start of him in travelling This however was not likely to
be the case as lord B rode post and the other was by his corpulence obliged
to travel in a chaise yet that I might not increase his anxiety I left Paris
immediately on the receit of his message and met him at the appointed place
where he received me with all the agitation of joy and fear and asked if I had
ever encouraged Sir T A in his addresses I very candidly told him the whole
transaction at which he was incensed but his indignation was soon appeased
when I professed my penitence and assured him that I had totally rejected his
rival Not that I approve of my behaviour to Sir T who I own was ill used in
this affair but surely it was more excusable to halt here than proceed farther
in my indiscretion
My lover being satisfied with my declaration we went together to Paris
being attended by the Scotchman whom I have already mentioned tho I believe he
was not over and above well pleased to see matters thus amicably compromised
The furious knight followed us to the capital insisted upon seeing me in
person told this North Briton that I was actually engaged to him wrote every
hour and railed at my perfidious conduct I took no notice of these delirious
transports which were also disregarded by lord B till one night he was
exasperated by the insinuations of Mr C who I believe inflamed his
jealousy by hinting a suspicion that I was really in love with his rival What
passed betwixt them I know not but he sent for me from the opera by a
physician of Paris who was a sort of gobetween among us all and who told me
that if I did not come home on the instant a duel would be fought on my
account
I was very much shocked at this information but by being used to alarms
from the behaviour of lord I had acquired a pretty good share of resolution
and with great composure entered the room where lord B was with his companion
whom I immediately ordered to withdraw I then gave his lordship to understand
that I was informed of what had passed and thought myself so much injured by
the person who had just quitted the apartment that I would no longer live under
the same roof with him
Lord B raved like a bedlamite taxing me with want of candour and
affection but I easily justified my own integrity and gave him such assurances
of my love that his jealousy subsided and his spirits were recomposed
Nevertheless I insisted upon his dismissing Mr C on pain of my leaving the
house as I could not help thinking he had used his endeavours to prejudice me
in the opinion of my lord If his conduct was the result of friendship for his
patron he certainly acted the part of an honest and trusty adherent But I
could not easily forgive him because a few weeks before he had by my
interest obtained a considerable addition to his allowance and even after the
steps he had taken to disoblige me I was not so much his enemy but that I
prevailed upon lord B to double his salary that his leaving the family might
be no detriment to his fortune
His lordship having complied with my demand this gentleman after having
stayed three days in the house to prepare for his departure during which I
would not suffer him to be admitted into my presence made his retreat with a
fine young girl who was my companion and I have never seen him since that time
Sir T still continued furious and would not take a denial except from my
own mouth upon which with the approbation of lord B I indulged him with an
interview He entered the apartment with a stern countenance and told me I had
usd him ill I pleaded guilty to the charge and beggd his pardon accordingly
I attempted to reason the case with him but he would hear no arguments except
his own and even tried to intimidate me with threats which provoked me to such
a degree that I defied his vengeance telling him that I feared nothing but the
reproach of my own conscience that tho I had acted a simple part he durst not
say there was any thing criminal in my conduct and that from his present
frantic and unjust behaviour I thought myself happy in having escaped him He
swore I was the most inflexible of all creatures asked if nothing would move
me and when I answered »Nothing« took his leave and never afterwards
persecuted me with his addresses tho I have heard he was vain and false enough
to boast of favours which upon my honour he never received as he himself at
one time owned to doctor Cantwell at Paris
While he underwent all this frenzy and distraction upon my account he was
loved with the same violence of passion by a certain Scotch lady of quality
who when he followed me to France pursued him thither with the same eagerness
and expedition and far from being jealous of me as a rival usd to come to my
house implore my good offices with the object of her love and laying herself
on the floor at full length before the fire weep and cry like a person bereft
of her senses She bitterly complained that he had never obliged her but once
and beggd with the most earnest supplications that I would give her an
opportunity of seeing him at my house But I thought proper to avoid her
company as soon as I perceived her intention
We continued at Paris for some time during which I contracted an
acquaintance with the sister of madam la T She was the supposed mistress of
the prince of C endowed with a great share of understanding and loved
pleasure to excess tho she maintained her reputation on a respectable footing
by living with her husband and mother This lady perceiving that I had inspired
her lover with a passion which gave me uneasiness on her account actually
practised all her eloquence and art in persuading me to listen to his love for
it was a maxim with her to please him at any rate I was shocked at her
indelicate complaisance and rejected the proposal as repugnant to my present
engagement which I held as sacred as any nuptial tie and much more binding
than a forced or unnatural marriage
Upon our return to England we lived in great harmony and peace and nothing
was wanting to my happiness but the one thing to me most needful I mean the
inchanting tenderness and delightful enthusiasm of love Lord Bs heart I
believe felt the soft impressions and for my own part I loved him with the
most faithful affection It is not enough to say I wished him well I had the
most delicate the most genuine esteem for his virtue I had an intimate regard
and anxiety for his interest and felt for him as if he had been my own son but
still there was a vacancy in my heart there was not that fervour that
transport that ecstasy of passion which I had formerly known my bosom was not
filled with the little deity I could not help recalling to my remembrance the
fond the ravishing moments I had passed with S and had I understood the
conditions of life those pleasures were happily exchanged for my present
situation because if I was now deprived of those rapturous enjoyments I was
also exempted from the cares and anxiety that attended them but I was generally
extravagant in my notions of happiness and therefore construed my present
tranquillity into an insipid languor and stagnation of life
While I remained in this inactivity of sentiment lord having received a
very considerable addition to his fortune sent a message to me promising that
if I would leave lord B he would make me a present of an house and furniture
where I should live at my ease without being exposed to his visits except when
I should be disposed to receive them This proposal he made in consequence of
what I had always declared namely that if he had not reduced me to the
necessity of putting myself under the protection of some person or other by
depriving me of any other means of subsistence I should never have given the
world the least cause to scandalize my reputation and that I would withdraw
myself from my present dependance as soon as he should enable me to live by
myself I was therefore resolved to be as good as my word and accepted his
offer on condition that I should be wholly at my own disposal and that he
should never enter my door but as a visitant or common friend
These articles being sanctioned by his word and honour the value of which I
did not then know an house was furnished according to my directions and I
signified my intention to lord B who consented to my removal with this
proviso that I should continue to see him I wrote also to his relation Mr B
who in his answer observed that it was too late to advise when I was actually
determined All my friends and acquaintance approved of the scheme tho it was
one of the most unjustifiable steps I had ever taken being a real act of
ingratitude to my benefactor which I soon did and always shall regret and
condemn So little is the world qualified to judge of private affairs
When the time of our parting drew near lord B became gloomy and
discontented and even intreated me to postpone my resolution but I told him
that now every thing was prepared for my reception I could not retract without
incurring the imputation of folly and extravagance On the very day of my
departure Mr B endeavoured with all the arguments he could suggest to
dissuade me from my purpose and I made use of the same answer which had
satisfied his friend Finding me determined upon removing he burst out into a
flood of tears exclaiming »By Gd if lord B can bear it I cant« I was
thunderstruck at this expression for tho I had been told that Mr B was in
love with me I gave no credit to the report because he had never declared his
passion and this was the first hint of it that ever escaped him in my hearing
I was therefore so much amazed at the circumstance of this abrupt explanation
that I could make no answer but having taken my leave went away ruminating on
the unforeseen event
Lord B as I was informed spoke not a word that whole night and took my
leaving him so much to heart that two years elapsed before he got the better of
his grief This intelligence I afterwards received from his own mouth and asked
his forgiveness for my unkind retreat tho I shall never be able to obtain my
own As for Mr B he was overwhelmed with sorrow and made such efforts to
suppress his concern as had well nigh cost him his life Dr S was called to
him in the middle of the night and found him almost suffocated He soon guessed
the cause when he understood that I had left the house so that I myself was
the only person concerned who was utterly ignorant of his affection for I
solemnly declare he never gave me the least reason to suspect it while I lived
with his relation because he had too much honour to entertain a thought of
supplanting his friend and too good an opinion of me to believe he should have
succeeded in the attempt Tho my love for lord B was not so tender and
interesting as the passion I had felt for S my fidelity was inviolable and I
never harboured the most distant thought of any other person till after I had
resolved to leave him when I own I afforded some small encouragement to the
addresses of a new admirer by telling him that I should in a little time be
my own mistress tho I was not now at my own disposal
I enjoyed my new house as a little paradise it was accommodated with all
sorts of conveniences every thing was new and therefore pleasing and the
whole absolutely at my command I had the company of a relation a very good
woman with whom I lived in the most amicable manner was visited by the best
people in town I mean those of the male sex the ladies having long ago
forsaken me I frequented all reputable places of publick entertainment and
had a concert at home once a week so that my days rolled on in happiness and
quiet till all my sweets were imbittered by the vexatious behaviour of my
husband who began to importune me again to live with him and by the increasing
anxiety of lord B who tho I still admitted his visits plainly perceived
that I wanted to relinquish his correspondence This discovery raised such
tempests of jealousy and despair within his breast that he kept me in continual
alarms he sent messages to me every hour signed his letters with his own
blood raved like a man in an ecstasy of madness railed at my ingratitude and
praised my conduct by turns offered to sacrifice every thing for my love to
leave the kingdom forthwith and live with me for ever in any part of the world
where I should choose to reside
These were generous and tempting proposals but I was beset with counsellors
who were not totally disinterested and who dissuaded me from embracing the
proffers of my lover on pretence that lord would be highly injured by my
compliance I listened to their advice and hardened my heart against lord Bs
sorrow and solicitations My behaviour on this occasion is altogether
unaccountable this was the only time that ever I was a slave to admonition The
condition of lord B would have melted any heart but mine and yet mine was one
of the most sensible he employed his cousin as an advocate with me till that
gentleman actually refused the office telling him candidly that his own
inclinations were too much engaged to permit him to perform the task with
fidelity and truth He accordingly resolved to avoid my presence until my lord
and I should come to some final determination which was greatly retarded by the
perseverance of his lordship who would not resign his hopes even when I
pretended that another man had engaged my heart but said that in time my
affection might return
Our correspondence however gradually wore off upon which Mr B renewed
his visits and many agreeable and happy hours we passed together Not that he
or any other person whom I now saw succeeded to the privilege of a fortunate
lover I knew he loved me to madness but I would not gratify his passion any
other way than by the most profound esteem and veneration for his virtues which
were altogether amiable and sublime and I would here draw his character
minutely but it woud take up too much time to set forth his merits the only
man living of my acquaintance who resembles him is lord F of whom I shall
speak in the sequel
About this time I underwent a very interesting change in the situation of
my heart I had sent a message to my old lover S desiring he would allow my
picture which was in his possession to be copied and he now transmitted it to
me by my lawyer whom he directed to ask if I intended to be at the next
masquerade This curiosity had a strange effect upon my spirits my heart
fluttered at the question and my imagination glowed with a thousand fond
presages I answered in the affirmative and we met by accident at the ball I
could not behold him without emotion when he accosted me his wellknown voice
made my heart vibrate like a musical chord when its unison is struck All the
ideas of our past love which the lapse of time and absence had enfeebled and
lulled asleep now awoke and were reinspired by his appearance so that his
artful excuses were easily admitted I forgave him all that I had suffered on
his account because he was the natural lord of my affection and our former
correspondence was renewed
I thought myself in a new world of bliss in consequence of this
reconciliation the raptures of which continued unimpaired for the space of four
months during which time he was fonder of me if possible than before
repeated his promise of marriage if we should ever have it in our power
assured me he had never been happy since he left me that he believed no woman
had ever loved like me and indeed to have a notion of my passion for that man
you must first have loved as I did but through a strange caprice I broke off
the correspondence out of apprehension that he would forsake me again From his
past conduct I dreaded what might happen and the remembrance of what I had
undergone by his inconstancy filled my imagination with such horror that I
could not endure the shocking prospect and prematurely plunged myself into the
danger rather than endure the terrors of expectation In consequence of this
desertion I received a letter from him acknowledging that he was rightly
served but that it gave him inexpressible concern
Mean while lord continued to act in the character of a fiend tormenting
me with his nauseous importunities he prevailed upon the duke of L to employ
his influence in persuading me to live with him assuring his grace that I had
actually promised to give him that proof of my obedience and that I would come
home the sooner for being pressed to compliance by a person of his rank and
character Induced by these representations the duke honoured me with a visit
and in the course of his exhortations I understood how he had been thus
misinformed upon which I sent for lord and in his presence convicted him of
the falshood by communicating to his grace the articles of our last agreement
which he did not think proper to deny and the duke being undeceived declared
that he would not have given me the trouble of vindicating myself had he not
been misled by the insincerity of my lord
Baffled in this attempt he engaged Mr H V and afterwards my own father
in the same task and tho I still adhered to my first resolution persisted
with such obstinacy in his endeavours to make me unhappy that I determined to
leave the kingdom and accordingly after I had spent the evening with him at
Ranelagh I went away about two oclock in the morning leaving my companion
with directions to restore to my lord his house furniture plate and every
thing he had given me since our last accommodation so far was I upon this
occasion or at any other time of my life from embezzling any part of his
fortune My friend followed my instructions most punctually and his lordship
knows and will acknowledge the truth of this assertion
Thus have I explained the true cause of my first expedition to Flanders
whither the world was goodnatured enough to say I followed Mr B and the
whole army which happened to be sent abroad that summer Before my departure I
likewise transmitted to lord B the dressingplate china and a very
considerable settlement of which he had been generous enough to make me a
present This was an instance of my integrity which I thought due to a man who
had laid me under great obligations and tho I have lived to be refused a small
sum both by him and S I do not repent of my disinterested behaviour and all
the revenge I harbour against the last of these lovers is the desire of having
it in my power to do him good
I now found myself adrift in the world again and very richly deserved the
hardships of my condition for my indiscretion in leaving lord B and in
trusting to the word of lord without some farther security but I have
dearly paid for my imprudence The more I saw into the character of this man
whom destiny hath appointed my scourge the more was I determined to avoid his
fellowship and communication for he and I are in point of disposition as
opposite as any two principles in nature In the first place he is one of the
most unsocial beings that ever existed when I was pleased and happy he was
always out of temper but if he could find means to overcast and cloud my mirth
tho never so innocent he then discovered the signs of uncommon satisfaction
and content because by this disagreeable temper he banished all company from
his house He is extremely weak of understanding tho he possesses a good share
of low cunning which has so egregiously imposed upon some people that they
have actually believed him a goodnatured easy creature and blamed me because I
did not manage him to better purpose but upon further acquaintance they have
always found him obstinate as a mule and capricious as a monkey Not that he is
utterly void of all commendable qualities he is punctual in paying his debts
liberal when in good humour and would be well bred were he not subject to fits
of absence during which he is altogether unconversable but he is proud
naturally suspicious jealous equally with and without cause never made a
friend and is an utter stranger to the joys of intimacy in short he hangs
like a damp upon society and may be properly called Killjoy an epithet which
he has justly acquired He honours me with constant professions of love but his
conduct is so opposite to my sentiments of that passion as to have been the
prime source of all my misfortunes and affliction and I have often wished
myself the object of his hate in hopes of profiting by a change in his
behaviour
Indeed he has not been able to make me more unhappy than I believe he is
in his own mind for he is literally a selftormentor who never enjoyed one
gleam of satisfaction except at the expence of anothers quiet and yet with
this I had almost called it diabolical quality he expects that I should
cherish him with all the tenderness of affection and after he has been at pains
to incur my aversion punishes my disgust by contriving schemes to mortify and
perplex me which have often succeeded so effectually as to endanger my life
and constitution for I have been fretted and frighted into sundry fits of
illness and then I own I have experienced his care and concern
Over and above the oddities I have mentioned he is so unsteady in his
oeconomy that he is always new modelling his affairs and exhausting his
fortune by laying out ten pounds in order to save a shilling he inquires into
the character of a servant after he has lived two years in his family and is so
ridiculously stocked with vanity and selfconceit that notwithstanding my
assurance before and the whole series of my conduct since our marriage which
ought to have convinced him of my dislike he is still persuaded that at
bottom I must admire and be enamoured of his agreeable person and
accomplishments and that I would not fail to manifest my love were I not
spirited up against him by his own relations Perhaps it might be to their
interest to foment the misunderstanding betwixt us but really they give
themselves no trouble about our affairs and so far as I know them are a very
good sort of people On the whole I think I may with justice pronounce my
precious yokefellow a trifling teazing insufferable inconsistent creature
With the little money which remained of what I had received from his
lordship for housekeeping I transported myself to Flanders and arrived in
Ghent a few days after our troops were quartered in that city which was so
much crowded with these new visitants that I should have found it impracticable
to procure a lodging had I not been accommodated by lord R B the duke of
As youngest brother who very politely gave me up his own Here I saw my
friend Mr B who was overjoyed at my arrival though jealous of every man of
his acquaintance for he loved me with all the ardour of passion and I regarded
him with all the perfection of friendship which had he lived in time might
have produced love but it never did Notwithstanding his earnest solicitations
to the contrary I stayed but a week in Ghent from whence I proceeded to
Brussels and fixed my abode in the Hotel de Flandre among an agreeable set of
gentlemen and ladies with whom I spent my time very chearfully There being a
sort of court in this city it was frequented by all the officers who could
obtain permission to go thither and the place in general was gay and agreeable
I was introduced to the best families and very happy in my acquaintance for
the ladies were polite good tempered and obliging and treated me with the
utmost hospitality and respect Among others I contracted a friendship with
Madam la comtesse de C and her two daughters who were very amiable young
ladies and became intimate with the princess C and countess W lady of the
bedchamber to the queen of Hungary and a great favourite of the governor
Monsieur DH in whose house she lived with his wife who was also a lady of a
very engaging disposition
Soon after I had fixed my habitation in Brussels the company at our Hotel
was increased by three officers who professed themselves my admirers and came
from Ghent with a view of soliciting my love This triumvirate consisted of the
Scotch earl of lord R M and another young officer the first was a man of
a very genteel figure and amorous complexion danced well and had a great deal
of good humour with a mixture of vanity and selfconceit The second had a good
face though a clumsy person and a very sweet disposition very much adapted
for the sentimental passion of love and the third Mr W by name was tall
thin and wellbred with a great stock of good nature and vivacity These
adventurers began their addresses in general acts of gallantry that
comprehended several of my female friends with whom we used to engage in
parties of pleasure both in the city and the environs which are extremely
agreeable and when they thought they had taken the preliminary steps of
securing themselves in my good opinion and esteem they agreed to go on without
farther delay and that lord should make the first attack upon my heart
He accordingly laid siege to me with such warmth and assiduity that I
believe he deceived himself and began to think he was actually in love though
at bottom he felt no impulse that deserved the sacred name Though I
discouraged him in the beginning he persecuted me with his addresses he always
sat by me at dinner and imparted a thousand trifles in continual whispers
which attracted the notice of the company so much that I began to fear his
behaviour would give rise to some report to my prejudice and therefore avoided
him with the utmost caution Notwithstanding all my care however he found
means one night while my maid who lay in my room went down stairs to get
into my chamber after I was abed upon which I started up and told him that
if he should approach me I would alarm the house for I never wanted courage
and resolution Perceiving my displeasure he kneeled by the bedside beggd I
would have pity on his sufferings and swore I should have carte blanche to the
utmost extent of his fortune To these proposals I made no other reply but that
of protesting I would never speak to him again if he did not quit my apartment
that moment upon which he thought proper to withdraw and I never afterwards
gave him an opportunity of speaking to me on the same subject so that in a few
weeks he separated himself from our society though the ladies of Brussels
considered him as my lover because of all the other officers he was their
greatest favourite
His lordship being thus repulsed Mr W took the field and assailed my
heart in a very different manner He said he knew not how to make love but was
a man of honour would keep the secret and so forth To this cavalier address I
answered that I was not angry as I otherwise should have been at his blunt
declaration because I found by his own confession he did not know what was
due to the sex and my unhappy situation in some shape excused him for a
liberty which he would not have dreamd of taking had not my misfortunes
encouraged his presumption But I would deal with him in his own way and far
from assuming the prude frankly assured him that he was not at all to my
taste hoping he would consider my dislike as a sufficient reason to reject his
love
Lord R began to feel the symptoms of a genuine passion which he carefully
cherished in silence being naturally diffident and bashful but by the very
means he used to conceal it from my observation I plainly discerned the
situation of his heart and was not at all displeased at the progress I had made
in his inclinations Mean while he cultivated my acquaintance with great
assiduity and respect attended me in all my excursions and particularly in an
expedition to Antwerp with two other gentlemen where in downright gaietè de
coeur we sat for our pictures which were drawn in one piece one of the partie
being represented in the dress of an hussar and another in that of a running
footman This incident I mention because the performance which is now in my
possession gave birth to a thousand groundless reports that circulated in
England at our expence
It was immediately after this jaunt that lord R began to disclose his
passion though he at the same time started such objections as seemed well
nigh to extinguish his hopes lamenting that even if he should have the
happiness to engage my affections his fortune was too inconsiderable to support
us against the efforts of lord should he attempt to interrupt our felicity
and that he himself was obliged to follow the motions of the army In short he
seemed to consider my felicity more than his own and behaved with such
delicacy as gradually made an impression on my heart so that when we parted
we agreed to renew our correspondence in England
In the midst of these agreeable amusements which I enjoyed in almost all
the different towns of Flanders I happened to be at Ghent one day sitting
among a good deal of company in one of their Hotels when a postchaise stopped
at the gate upon which we went to the windows to satisfy our curiosity when
who should step out of the convenience but my little insignificant lord I no
sooner announced him to the company than all the gentlemen asked whether they
should stay and protect me or withdraw and when I assured them that their
protection was not necessary one and all of them retired though lord R M
went no farther than the parlour below being determined to screen me against
all violence and compulsion I sent a message to my lord desiring him to walk
up into my apartment but although his sole errand was to see and carry me off
he would not venture to accept of my invitation till he had demanded me in
form from the governor of the place
That gentleman being altogether a stranger to his person and character
referred him to the commanding officer of the English troops who was a man of
humour and upon his lordships application pretended to doubt his identity
observing that he had always heard lord represented as a jolly corpulent
man He gave him to understand however that even granting him to be the
person I was by no means subject to military law unless he could prove that I
had ever inlisted in his majestys service
Thus disappointed in his endeavours he returned to the inn and with much
persuasion trusted himself in my diningroom after having stationed his
attendant at the door in case of accidents When I asked what had procured me
the honour of this visit he told me his business and intention were to carry
me home and this declaration produced a conference in which I argued the case
with him and matters were accommodated for the present by my promising to be
in England some time in September on condition that he would permit me to live
by myself as before and immediately order the arrears of my pinmoney to be
paid He assented to every thing I proposed returned in peace to his own
country and the deficiencies of my allowance were made good while I returned
to Brussels where I stayed until my departure for England which I regulated in
such a manner as was consistent with my engagement
I took lodgings in Pallmall and sending for my lord convinced him of my
punctuality and put him in mind of his promise when to my utter astonishment
and confusion he owned that his promise was no more than a decoy to bring me
over and that I must lay my account with living in his house like a dutiful
and obedient wife I heard him with the indignation such treatment deserved
upbraided him with his perfidious dealing which I told him would have
determined me against cohabitation with him had I not been already resolved
and being destitute of all resource repaired to Bath where I afterwards met
with Mr D and Mr R two gentlemen who had been my fellowpassengers in the
yacht from Flanders and treated me with great friendship and politeness
without either talking or thinking of love
With these gentlemen who were as idle as myself I went to the jubilee at
Preston which was no other than a great number of people assembled in a small
town extremely ill accommodated to partake of diversions that were bad
imitations of plays concerts and masquerades If the world should place to the
account of my indiscretion my travelling in this manner with gentlemen to whom
I had no particular attachment let it also be considered as an alleviation
that I always lived in terror of my lord and consequently was often obliged to
shift my quarters so that my finances being extremely slender I stood the more
in need of assistance and protection I was besides young inconsiderate and
so simple as to suppose the figure of an ugly man would always secure me from
censure on his account neither did I ever dream of any mans addresses until
he made an actual declaration of his love
Upon my return to Bath I was again harrassed by lord who came thither
accompanied by my father whom I was very glad to see though he importuned me
to comply with my husbands desire and for the future keep measures with the
world This remonstrance about living with my lord which he constantly
repeated was the only instance of his unkindness which I ever felt But all his
admonitions were not of force sufficient to shake my resolution in that
particular though the debate continued so late that I told his lordship it
was high time to retire for I could not accommodate him with a bed He then
gave me to understand that he would stay where he was upon which my father
took his leave on pretence of looking out for a lodging to himself
The little gentleman being now left tête a tête with me began to discover
some signs of apprehension in his looks but mustering up all his resolution he
went to the door called up three of his servants whom he placed as centinels
upon the stair and flung himself in my elbowchair where he resigned himself
to rest Intending to go to bed I thought it was but just and decent that I
should screen myself from the intrusion of his footmen and with that view
bolted the door Lord hearing himself locked in started up in the utmost
terror and consternation kicked the door with his heel and screamed aloud as
if he had been in the hands of an assassin My father who had not yet quitted
the house hearing these outcries ran up stairs again and coming through my
bedchamber into the diningroom where we were found me almost suffocated with
laughter and his heroic soninlaw staring like one who had lost his wits with
his hair standing on end
When my father asked the meaning of his exclamations he told him with all
the symptoms of dismay that I had lockd him in and he did not understand such
usage but I explained the whole mystery by saying I had bolted the door
because I did not like the company of his servants and could not imagine the
cause of his pannic unless he thought I designed to ravish him an insult than
which nothing was farther from my intention My father himself could scarce
refrain from laughing at his ridiculous fear but seeing him in great confusion
took pity on his condition and carried him off to his own lodgings after I had
given my word that I would not attempt to escape but give him audience next
morning I accordingly kept my promise and found means to persuade them to
leave me at my own discretion Next day I was rallied upon the stratagem I had
contrived to frighten lord and a thousand idle stories were told about this
adventure which happened literally as I have related it
From Bath I betook myself to a small house near Lincoln which I hired of
the d of A because a country life suited best with my income which was no
more than four hundred pounds a year and that not well paid I continued some
months in this retirement and saw no company except lord R M who lived in
the neighbourhood and visited me twice till finding myself indisposed I was
obliged to remove to London and took lodgings in Maddoxstreet where my
garison was taken by storm by my lord and his steward reinforced by Mr L
V who as my lord told me had a subsidy of five and twenty pounds before
he would take the field and a couple of hardy footmen This formidable band
rushed into my apartment laid violent hands upon me dragged me down stairs
without gloves or a cloak and thrusting me into a coach that stood at the door
conveyed me to my lords lodgings in Gloucesterstreet
Upon this occasion his lordship courageously drew his sword upon my woman
who attempted to defend me from his insults and in all probability would have
intimidated him from proceeding for he looked pale and aghast his knees
knocked together and he breathed thick and hard with his nostrils dilated as
if he had seen a ghost But he was encouraged by his mercenary associate who
for the five and twenty pounds stood by him in the day of trouble and spirited
him on to this gallant enterprize
In consequence of this exploit I was cooped up in a paultry apartment in
Gloucesterstreet where I was close beset by his lordship and his worthy
steward Mr H with a set of servants that were the creatures of this fellow
of whom lord himself stood in awe so that I could not help thinking myself
in Newgate among thieves and ruffians and to such a degree did my terror
prevail that I actually believed I was in danger of being poisoned and would
not receive any sustenance except from the hands of one harmlesslooking
fellow a foreigner who was my lords valet de chambre I will not pretend to
say my fears were just but such was my opinion of Hn that I never doubted he
would put me out of the way if he thought my life interfered with his interest
On the second day of my imprisonment I was visited by the duke of L a
friend of my lord who found me sitting upon a trunk in a poor little
diningroom filled with lumber and lighted with two bits of tallowcandle
which had been left over night He perceived in my countenance a mixture of
rage indignation terror and despair he compassionated my sufferings though
he could not alleviate my distress any other way than by interceding with my
tyrant to mitigate my oppression Nevertheless I remained eleven days in this
comfortable situation I was watched like a criminal all day and one of the
servants walked from one room to another all night in the nature of a patrole
while my lord who lay in the chamber above me got out of bed and trippd to
the window at the sound of every coach that chanced to pass through the street
Hn who was consummate in the arts of a sycophant began to court my favour
by condoling my affliction and assuring me that the only method by which I
could regain my liberty was a chearful compliance with the humour of my lord I
was fully convinced of the truth of this observation and though my temper is
altogether averse to dissimulation attempted to affect an air of serenity and
resignation But this disguise I found would not answer my purpose and
therefore I had recourse to the assistance of my maid who was permitted to
attend me in my confinement With her I frequently consulted about the means of
accomplishing my escape and in consequence of our deliberations she directed
a coach and six to be ready at a certain part of the town and to wait for me
three days in the same place in case I could not come before the expiration of
that term
This previous measure being taken according to my instructions the next
necessary step was to elude the vigilance of my guard and in this manner did I
effectuate my purpose Being by this time indulged in the liberty of going out
in the coach for the benefit of the air attended by two footmen who had
orders to watch all my motions I made use of this privilege one forenoon when
lord expected some company to dinner and bad the coachman drive to the
lodgings of a man who wrote with his mouth intending to give my spies the slip
on pretence of seeing this curiosity but they were too alert in their duty to
be thus outwitted and followed me up stairs into the very apartment
Disappointed in this hope I revolved another scheme which was attended
with success I bought some olives at an oilshop and telling the servants I
would proceed to St Jamess gate and take a turn in the park broke one of the
bottles by the way complained of the misfortune when I was set down and
desired that my coach might be cleaned before my return While my attendants
were employed in this office I trippd across the parade to the horseguards
and chanced to meet with an acquaintance in the park who said he saw by my
countenance that I was upon some expedition I owned his supposition was just
but as I had not time to relate particulars I quickened my pace and took
possession of a hackneycoach in which I proceeded to the vehicle which I had
appointed to be in waiting
While I thus compassed my escape there was nothing but perplexity and
confusion at home dinner was delayed till six oclock my lord ran half over
the town in quest of his equipage which at last returned with an account of my
elopement My maid was brought to the question and grievously threatened but
like all the women I ever had remained unshaken in her fidelity In the mean
time I travelled night and day towards my retreat in Lincolnshire of which his
lordship had not as yet got the least intelligence and as my coachman was but
an unexperienced driver I was obliged to make use of my own skill in that
exercise and direct his endeavours the whole way without venturing to go to
bed or take the least repose until I reached my own habitation where I lived
in peace and tranquillity for the space of six weeks when I was alarmed by one
of my lords myrmidons who came into the neighbourhood blustering and
swearing that he would carry me off either dead or alive
It is not to be supposed that I was perfectly easy when I was made
acquainted with his purpose and declaration as my whole family consisted of no
more than a couple of women and one footman However I summoned up my courage
which had been often tried and never forsook me in the day of danger and sent
him word that if ever he should presume to approach my house I would order him
to be shot without ceremony The fellow did not choose to put me to the trial
and returned to town without his errand But as the place of my abode was now
discovered I laid my account with having a visit from his employer I therefore
planted spies upon the road with a promise of reward to him who should bring me
the first intelligence of his lordships approach
Accordingly I was one morning apprized of his coming and mounting horse
immediately with my woman and valet away we rode in defiance of winter and
in two days got through the wilds of Lincolnshire and hundreds of Essex crossed
the river at Tilbury breakfasted at Chatham by the help of a guide and
moonlight arrived at Dover the same evening and embarked for Calais in which
place I found myself next day at two oclock in the afternoon and being
heartily tired with my journey betook myself to rest My maid who was not able
to travel with such expedition followed me at an easier pace and the footman
was so astonished at my perseverance that he could not help asking upon the
road if ever I was weary in my life Certain it is my spirits and resolution
have enabled me to undergo fatigues that are almost incredible From Calais I
went to Brussels where I again set up my rest in private lodgings was again
perfectly well received by the fashionable people of that place and by the
interest of my friends obtained the queen of Hungarys protection against the
persecution of my husband while I should reside in the Austrian Netherlands
Thus secured I lived uncensured conversing with the English company with
which this city was crouded but spent the most agreeable part of my time with
the countess of Calemberg in whose house I generally dined and supped and I
also contracted an intimacy with the princess of Chemay who was a great
favourite with Madam DHarrach the governors lady
I had not been long in this happy situation when I was disturbed by the
arrival of lord who demanded me of the governor but finding me sheltered
from his power he set out for Vienna and in consequence of his
representations strengthened with the duke of Ns name my protection was
withdrawn But before this application he had gone to the camp and addressed
himself to my lord Stair who was my particular friend and ally by my first
marriage desiring he would compel me to return to his house His lordship told
him that I was in no shape subject to his command but invited him to dinner
with a view of diverting himself and company at the expence of his guest In
the evening he was plied with so many bumpers to my health that he became
intoxicated and extremely obstreperous insisted upon seeing lord Stair after
he was retired to rest and quarrelled with lord D who being a tall large
rawboned Scotchman could have swallowed him at one mouthful but he thought he
might venture to challenge him in hopes of being put under arrest by the
general though he reckoned without his host lord Stair knew his disposition
and in order to punish his presumption winked at the affair The challenger
finding himself mistaken in his conjecture got up early in the morning and
went off post for Vienna and lord Stair desired a certain man of quality to
make me a visit and give me an account of his behaviour
Being now deprived of my protection and pinmoney which my generous husband
would no longer pay I was reduced to great difficulty and distress The duchess
DAremberg lord G and many other persons of distinction interceded in my
behalf with his majesty who was then abroad but he refused to interpose
between man and wife The countess of Calemberg wrote a letter to my father in
which she represented my uncomfortable situation and undertook to answer for my
conduct in case he would allow me a small annuity on which I could live
independant of lord who by all accounts was a wretch with whom I could
never enjoy the least happiness or quiet otherwise she would be the first to
advise me to an accommodation She gave him to understand that her character
was neither doubtful nor obscure and that if my conduct there had not been
irreproachable she should not have taken me under her protection that as I
proposed to board in a convent a small sum would answer my occasions but if
that should be denied I would actually go to service or take some other
desperate step to avoid the man who was my bane and aversion
To this kind remonstrance my father answered that his fortune would not
allow him to assist me he had now a young family and that I ought at all
events to return to my husband By this time such was the extremity of my
circumstances that I was forced to pawn my cloaths and every trifling trinket
in my possession and even to descend so far as to sollicit Mr S for a loan of
fifty pounds which he refused
Thus was I deserted in my distress by two persons to whom in the season
of my affluence my purse had been always open Nothing so effectually subdues a
spirit unused to supplicate as want repulsed in this manner I had recourse to
lord B who was also it seems unable to relieve my necessities This
mortification I deserved at his hands tho he had once put it in my power to be
above all such paultry demands and I should not have been compelled to the
disagreeable task of troubling my friends had not I voluntarily resigned what
he formerly gave me As to the other gentleman to whom I addressed myself on
this occasion I think he might have shewn more regard to my application not
only for the reasons already mentioned but because he knew me too well to be
ignorant of what I must have suffered in condescending to make such a request
Several officers who guessd my adversity generously offered to supply me
with money but I could not bring myself to make use of their friendship or
even to own my distress except to one person of whom I borrowed a small sum
To crown my misfortunes I was taken very ill at a time when there was no other
way of avoiding the clutches of my persecutor but by a precipitate flight In
this emergency I applied to a worthy gentleman of Brussels a very good friend
of mine but no lover I say no lover because every man is supposed to act in
that capacity who befriends a young woman in distress This generous Fleming set
out with me in the night from Brussels and conducted me to the frontiers of
France Being very much indisposed both in mind and body when I was obliged to
undertake this expedition I should in all probability have sunk under the
fatigue of travelling had not my spirits been kept up by the conversation of my
companion who was a man of business and consequence and undertook to manage my
affairs in such a manner as would enable me to reestablish my residence in the
place I had left He was young and active attended me with the utmost care and
assiduity and left nothing undone which he thought would contribute to my ease
and satisfaction I believe his friendship for me was a little tinctured with
another passion but he was married and lived very well with his wife who was
also my friend so that he knew I would never think of him in the light of a
lover
Upon our arrival at Valenciennes he accommodated me with a little money
for a little was all I would take and returned to his own city after we had
settled a correspondence by letters I was detained a day or two in this place
by my indisposition which increased but nevertheless proceeded to Paris to
make interest for a protection from the king of France which that monarch
graciously accorded me in three days after my first application and his
minister sent orders to all the governors and intendants of the province towns
to protect me against the efforts of lord in whatever place I should choose
to reside
Having returned my thanks at Versailles for this favour and tarried a few
days at Paris which was a place altogether unsuitable to the low ebb of my
fortune I repaired to Lisle where I intended to fix my habitation and there
my disorder recurred with such violence that I was obliged to send for a
physician who seemed to have been a disciple of Sangrado for he scarce left a
drop of blood in my body and yet I found myself never a whit the better Indeed
I was so much exhausted by these evacuations and my constitution so much
impaired by fatigue and perturbation of mind that I had no other hope of
recovering but that of reaching England and putting myself under the direction
of a physician on whose ability I could depend
With this doubtful prospect therefore I determined to attempt a return to
my native air and actually departed from Lisle in such a melancholy enfeebled
condition that I had almost fainted when I was put into the coach But before I
resolved upon this journey I was reduced to the utmost exigence of fortune so
that I could scarce afford to buy provisions had it been in my power to eat
and should not have been able to defray my travelling expences had I not been
generously befriended by lord R M who I am sure would have done any thing
for my ease and accommodation tho he has unjustly incurred the imputation of
being parsimonious and I had no reason to expect any such favour at his hands
In this deplorable state of health I was conveyed to Calais being all the
way as it were in the arms of death without having swallowed the least
sustenance on the road and so much was my indisposition augmented by the
fatigue of the journey that I swooned when I was brought into the inn and had
almost expired before I could receive the least assistance or advice however
my spirits were a little revived by some bread and wine which I took at the
persuasion of a French surgeon who chancing to pass by the door was called up
to my relief and having sent my servant to Brussels to take care of my coaths
embarked in the packetboat and by that time we arrived at Dover was almost in
extremity
Here I found a return coach in which I was carried to London and was put
to bed in the house at which we put up more dead than alive The people of the
inn sent for an apothecary who administred some cordial that recalled me to
life and when I recovered the use of speech I told him who I was and desired
him to wait upon Dr S and inform him of my situation A young girl who was
niece to the landlords wife seeing me unattended made a tender of her service
to me and I accepted the offer as well as of a lodging in the apothecarys
house to which I was conveyed as soon as my strength would admit of my removal
and there was visited by my physician who was shocked to find me in such a
dangerous condition however having considered my case he perceived that my
indisposition proceeded from the calamities I had undergone and encouraged me
with the hope of a speedy cure provided I could be kept easy and undisturbed
I was accordingly tended with all imaginable care my lords name being
never mentioned in my hearing because I considered him as the fatal source of
all my misfortunes and in a month I recovered my health by the great skill and
tenderness of my doctor who now finding me strong enough to encounter fresh
troubles endeavoured to persuade me that it would be my wisest step to return
to my husband whom at that time he had often occasion to see But I rejected
his proposal commenced a new lawsuit for separation and took a small house in
St Jamess Square
About this time my woman returned from Brussels but without my cloaths
which were detained on account of the money I owed in that place and asking her
dismission from my service set up shop for herself I had not lived many weeks
in my new habitation when my persecutor renewed his attempts to make himself
master of my person but I had learnd from experience to redouble my
vigilance and he was frustrated in all his endeavours I was again happy in the
conversation of my former acquaintance and visited by a great number of
gentlemen mostly persons of probity and sense who cultivated my friendship
without any other motive of attachment Not that I was unsolicited on the
article of love that was a theme on which I never wanted orators and could I
have prevailed upon myself to profit by the advances that were made I might
have managed my opportunities so as to have set fortune at defiance for the
future But I was none of those oeconomists who can sacrifice their hearts to
interested considerations
One evening while I was conversing with three or four of my friends my
lawyer came in and told me he had something of consequence to impart upon
which all the gentlemen but one went away and he gave me to understand that
my suit would immediately come to trial and though he hoped the best the issue
was uncertain that if it should be given against me the decision would inspire
my lord with fresh spirits to disturb my peace and therefore it would be
convenient for me to retire until the affair should be brought to a
determination
I was very much disconcerted at this intelligence and the gentleman who
stayed perceiving my concern asked what I intended to do or if he could serve
me in any shape and desired to know whither I proposed to retreat I affected
to laugh and answered »To a garret I believe« To this overstrained raillery
he replied that if I should his friendship and regard would find the way to my
apartment and I had no reason to doubt the sincerity of his declaration We
consulted about the measures I should take and I determined to remove into the
country where I was soon favoured with a letter from him wherein he expressed
the infinite pleasure he had in being able to assure me that my suit had been
successful and that I might appear again with great safety
Accordingly I returned to town in his coach and six which he had sent for
my convenience and the same evening went with him to the masquerade where we
passed the night very agreeably his spirits as well as mine being elevated to
a joyous pitch by the happy event of my process This gentleman was a person of
great honour worth and good nature he loved me extremely but did not care
that I should know the extent of his passion on the contrary he endeavoured to
persuade me he had laid it down as a maxim that no woman should ever have
power enough over his heart to give him the least pain or disquiet In short
he had made a progress in my affection and to his generosity was I indebted for
my subsistence two whole years during which he was continually professing this
philosophic indifference while at the same time he was giving me daily
assurances of his friendship and esteem and treating me with incessant marks of
the most passionate love so that I concluded his intention was cold though his
temper was warm and considering myself as an incumbrance upon his fortune I
redoubled my endeavours to obtain a separate maintenance from my lord and
removed from St Jamess Square to lodgings at Kensington where I had not long
enjoyed myself in tranquillity before it was interrupted by a very unexpected
visit
While I was busy one day dressing in my diningroom I found his lordship at
my elbow before I was aware of his approach although his coach was at the
door and the house already in the possession of his servants He accosted me in
the usual stile as if we had parted the night before and I answered him with
an appearance of the same careless familiarity desiring him to sit down while
I retreated to my chamber lockd the door and fairly went to bed being
perhaps the first woman who went thither for protection from the insults of a
man Here then I immured myself with my faithful Abigail and my lord finding me
secured knocked at the door and through the keyhole beggd to be admitted
assuring me that all he wanted was a conference I desired to be excused
though I believed his assurance but I had no inclination to converse with him
because I knew from experience the nature of his conversation which was so
disagreeable and tormenting that I would have exchanged it at any time for a
good beating and thought myself a gainer by the bargain However he persisted
in his importunities to such a degree that I assented to his proposal on
condition that the duke of L should be present at the interview and he
immediately sent a message to his grace while I in peace ate my breakfast
conveyed in a basket which was hoisted up to the window of my bedchamber
The duke was so kind as to come at my lords request and before I would
open the door gave me his word that I should be protected from all violence
and compulsion Thus assured they were permitted to enter and my little
gentleman sitting down by the bedside began to repeat the old hackneyed
arguments he had formerly used with the view of inducing me to live with him
and I on my side repeated my former objections or pretended to listen to his
representations while my imagination was employed in contriving the means of
effecting an escape as the duke easily perceived by my countenance
Finding all his remonstrances ineffectual he quitted the chamber and left
his cause to the eloquence of his grace who sat with me a whole half hour
without exerting himself much in behalf of his client because he knew I was
altogether obstinate and determined on that score but joked upon the behaviour
of his lordship who though jealous of most people had left him alone with me
in my bedchamber observing that he must either have great confidence in his
virtue or a very bad opinion of him otherwise In short I found means to defer
the categorical answer till next day and invited the duke and his lordship to
dine with me tomorrow My wise yokefellow seemed to doubt the sincerity of
this invitation and was very much disposed to keep possession of my house but
by the persuasions of his grace and the advice of Hn who was his chief
counsellor and back he was prevailed upon to take my word and for the present
left me
They were no sooner retired than I rose with great expedition packd up my
cloaths and took shelter in Essex for the first time Next day my lord and his
noble friend came to dinner according to appointment and being informed of my
escape by my woman whom I had left in the house his lordship discovered some
signs of discontent and insisted upon seeing my papers upon which my maid
produced a parcel of bills which I owed to different people Notwithstanding
this disappointment he sat down to what was provided for dinner and with great
deliberation ate up a leg of lamb the best part of a fowl and something else
which I do not now remember and then very peaceably went away giving my maid
an opportunity of following me to the place of my retreat
My intention was to have sought refuge as formerly in another country but
I was prevented from putting my design in execution by a fit of illness during
which I was visited by my physician and some of my own relations particularly a
distant cousin of mine whom my lord had engaged in his interests by promising
to recompence her amply if she could persuade me to comply with his desire In
this office she was assisted by the doctor who was my friend and a man of
sense for whom I have the most perfect esteem though he and I have often
differed in point of opinion In a word I was exposed to the incessant
importunities of all my acquaintance which added to the desperate
circumstances of my fortune compelled me to embrace the terms that were
offered and I again returned to the domestic duties of a wife
I was conducted to my lords house by an old friend of mine a gentleman
turned of fifty of admirable parts and understanding he was a pleasing
companion chearful and humane and had acquired a great share of my esteem and
respect In a word his advice had great weight in my deliberations because it
seemed to be the result of experience and disinterested friendship Without all
doubt he had an unfeigned concern for my welfare but being an admirable
politician his scheme was to make my interest coincide with his own
inclinations for I had unwittingly made an innovation upon his heart and as he
thought I should hardly favour his passion while I was at liberty to converse
with the rest of my admirers he counselled me to surrender that freedom well
knowing that my lord would be easily persuaded to banish all his rivals from the
house in which case he did not doubt of his being able to insinuate himself
into my affections because he laid it down as an eternal truth that if any two
persons of different sexes were obliged to live together in a desart where they
would be excluded from all other human intercourse they would naturally and
inevitably contract an inclination for each other
How just this hypothesis may be I leave to the determination of the
curious though if I may be allowed to judge from my own disposition a couple
so situated would be apt to imbibe mutual disgusts from the nature and
necessity of their union unless their association was at first the effect of
reciprocal affection and esteem Be this as it will I honour the gentleman for
his plan which was ingeniously contrived and artfully conducted but I
happened to have too much address for him in the sequel cunning as he was
though at first I did not perceive his drift and his lordship was much less
likely to comprehend his meaning
Immediately after this new accommodation I was carried to a country house
belonging to my lord and was simple enough to venture myself unattended by any
servant on whose integrity I could depend in the hands of his lordship and
Hn whose villainy I always dreaded tho at this time my apprehensions were
considerably increased by recollecting that it was not his interest to let me
live in the house lest his conduct should be inquired into and by remembering
that the very house to which we were going had been twice burnt down in a very
short space of time not without suspicion of his having been the incendiary on
account of some box of writings which was lost in the conflagration True it
is this imputation was never made good and perhaps he was altogether innocent
of the charge which nevertheless affected my spirits in such a manner as
rendered me the most miserable of all mortals and in this terror did I remain
till my consternation was weakened by the arrival of Mr Bal a good natured
worthy man whom my lord had invited to his house and I thought would not see
me ill used and in a few weeks we were joined by Dr S and his lady who
visited us according to their promise and it was resolved that we should set
out for Tunbridge on a partie of pleasure and at our return examine Hns
accounts
This last part of our scheme was not at all relished by our worthy steward
who therefore determined to overturn our whole plan and succeeded
accordingly My lord all of a sudden declared himself against the jaunt we had
projected and insisted upon my staying at home without assigning any reason
for this peremptory behaviour his countenance became cloudy and for the space
of three days he did not open his mouth
At last he one night entered my bedchamber to which he now had free
access with his sword under his arm and if I remember aright it was ready
drawn I could not help taking notice of this alarming circumstance which
shocked me the more as it happened immediately after a gloomy fit of
discontent However I seemed to overlook the incident and dismissing my maid
went to bed because I was ashamed to acknowledge even to my own heart any
dread of a person whom I despised so much However the strength of my
constitution was not equal to the fortitude of my mind I was taken ill and the
servants were obliged to be called up while my lord himself terrified at my
situation ran up stairs to Mrs S who was in bed told her with evident
perturbation of spirits that I was very much indisposed and said he believed
I was frightened by his entering my chamber with his sword in hand
This lady was so startled at his information that she ran into my apartment
halfnaked and as she went down stairs asked what reason could induce him to
have carried his sword with him Upon which he gave her to understand that his
intention was to kill the bats I believe and hope he had no other design than
that of intimidating me but when the affair happened I was of a different
opinion Mrs S having put on her cloaths sat up all night by my bedside and
was so good as to assure me that she would not leave me until I should be
safely delivered from the apprehensions that surrounded me in this house to
which she and the doctor had been the principal cause of my coming for my lord
had haunted and importuned them incessantly on this subject protesting that he
loved me with the most inviolable affection and all he desired was that I
would sit at his table manage his family and share his fortune By these
professions uttered with an air of honesty and goodnature he had imposed
himself upon them for the best tempered creature upon earth and they used all
their influence with me to take him into favour This hath been the case with a
great many people who had but a superficial knowledge of his disposition but
in the course of their acquaintance they have never failed to discern and
acknowledge their mistake
The doctor on his return from Tunbridge to which place he had made a trip
by himself found me ill abed and the whole family in confusion surprized and
concerned at this disorder he entered into expostulation with my lord who
owned that the cause of his displeasure and disquiet was no other than
jealousy H had informed him that I had been seen to walk out with Mr Bal in
a morning and that our correspondence had been observed with many additional
circumstances which were absolutely false and groundless This imputation was
no sooner understood than it was resolved that the accuser should be examined
in presence of us all He accordingly appeared exceedingly drunk tho it was
morning and repeated the articles of the charge as an information he had
received from a man who came from town to hang the bells and was long ago
returned to London
This was an instance of his cunning and address which did not forsake him
even in his hours of intoxication Had he fixed the calumny on any one of the
servants he would have been confronted and detected in his falshood
Nevertheless tho he could not be legally convicted it plainly appeared that
he was the author of this defamation which incensed Mr Bal to such a degree
that he could scarce be withheld from punishing him on the spot by manual
chastisement However he was prevailed upon to abstain from such immediate
vengeance as a step unworthy of his character and the affair was brought to
this issue that his lordship should either part with me or Mr H for I was
fully determined against living under the same roof with such an incendiary
This alternative being proposed my lord dismissd his steward and we
returned to town with the doctor and Mrs S for I had imbibed such horror and
aversion for this country seat tho one of the pleasantest in England that I
could not bear to live in it We therefore removed to an house in Bondstreet
where according to the advice of my friends I exerted my whole power and
complaisance in endeavours to keep my husband in good humour but was so
unsuccessful in my attempts that if ever he was worse tempered more
capricious or intolerable at one time than at another this was the season in
which his illhumour predominated to the most rancorous degree I was scarce
ever permitted to stir abroad saw nobody at home but my old malefriend whom I
have mentioned above and the doctor with his lady from whose conversation also
I was at last excluded
Nevertheless I contrived to steal a meeting now and then with my late
benefactor for whom I entertained a great share of affection exclusive of that
gratitude which was due to his generosity It was not his fault that I
compromised matters with my lord for he was as free of his purse as I was
unwilling to use it It would therefore have been unfriendly unkind and
ungrateful in me now that I was in affluence to avoid all intercourse with a
man who had supported me in adversity I think people cannot be too shy and
scrupulous in receiving favours but once they are conferred they ought never
to forget the obligation and I was never more concerned at any incident of my
life than at hearing that this gentleman did not receive a letter in which I
acknowledged the last proof of his friendship and liberality which I had
occasion to use because I have since learned that he suspected me of neglect
But to return to my situation in Bondstreet I bore it as well as I could
for the space of three months during which I lived in the midst of spies who
were employed to watch my conduct and underwent every mortification that
malice power and folly could inflict Nay so ridiculous so unreasonable was
my tyrant in his spleen that he declared he would even be jealous of Heydigger
if there was no other man to incur his suspicion he expected that I should
spend my whole time with him tête a tête and when I sacrificed my enjoyment to
these comfortable parties he never failed to lay hold on some innocent
expression of mine which he made the foundation of a quarrel and when I strove
to avoid these disagreeable misinterpretations by reading or writing he
incessantly teized and tormented me with the imputation of being peevish sullen
and reserved
Harrassed by this insufferable behaviour I communicated my case to Dr S
and his lady intimating that I neither could nor would expose myself any longer
to such usage The doctor exhorted me to bear my fate with patience and Mrs S
was silent on the subject so that I still hesitated between staying and going
when the doctor being one night at supper happened to have some words with my
lord who was so violently transported with passion that I was actually afraid
of going to bed with him and next morning when he waked there was such an
expression of frantic wildness in his countenance that I imagined he was
actually distracted
This alarming circumstance confirmed me in my resolution of decamping and I
accordingly moved my quarters to an house in Sackvillestreet where I had
lodged when I was a widow and when I was settled sent a message to the duke of
L desiring he would make my lord acquainted with the place of my abode my
reasons for removing and my intention to defend myself against all his
attempts The first night of this separation I went to bed by myself with as
much pleasure as a man could do in going to bed to his mistress whom he had
long solicited in vain So rejoiced was I to be delivered from my obnoxious
bedfellow
I had not long changed my lodgings which I did to Brookstreet and enjoyed
the sweets of my escape when I was importuned to return by a new steward whom
my lord had engaged in the room of Hn This gentleman who bore a very fair
character made such judicious representations and behaved so candidly in the
discharge of his function that I agreed he should act as umpire in the
difference between us and once more a reconciliation was effected tho his
lordship began to be dissatisfied even before the execution of our agreement in
consequence of which he attended me to Bath whither I went for the benefit of
my health which was not a little impaired
This accommodation had a surprising effect upon my lover who
notwithstanding his repeated declarations that no woman should ever gain such
an ascendency over his heart as to be able to give him pain suffered all the
agonies of disappointed love when he now found himself deprived of the
opportunities of seeing me and behaved very differently from what he had
imagined he should his words and actions were desperate one of his expressions
to me was »It is like twisting my heartstrings and tearing it out of my
body« And I should never have done it had I thought he would have suffered
but I protest I believed him when he said otherwise so much that it was the
occasion of my giving him up and it was now too late to retract
In our expedition to the Bath I was accompanied by a very agreeable young
lady with whom I passd my time very happily amid the diversions of the place
which screened me in a good measure from the vexatious society of my hopeful
partner From this place we repaired to his seat in the country where we spent
a few months and thence returned again to our house in Bondstreet Here while
I was confined to my bed by illness it was supposed my indisposition was no
other than a private lying in tho I was under the roof with my lord and
attended by his servants
While my distemper continued my lord to do him justice behaved with all
imaginable tenderness and care and his concern on these occasions I have
already mentioned as a strange inconsistency in his disposition If his actions
were at all accountable I should think he took pains to fret me into a fever
first in order to manifest his love and humanity afterwards When I recovered
my strength and spirits I went abroad saw company and should have been easy
had he been contented but as my satisfaction increased his good humour
decayed and he banished from his house one by one all the people whose
conversation could have made my life agreeable
I often expostulated with him upon this malignant behaviour protesting my
desire of living peaceably with him and begging he would not lay me under the
necessity of changing my measures He was deaf to all my remonstrances tho I
warned him more than once of the event persisted in his maxims of persecution
and after repeated quarrels I again left his house fully determined to suffer
all sorts of extremity rather than subject myself to the tyranny of his
disposition
This year was productive of one fatal event which I felt with the utmost
sensibility of sorrow and shall always remember with regret I mean the death
of Mr B with whom I had constantly maintained an intimate correspondence
since the first commencement of our acquaintance He was one of the most
valuable men and promised to be one of the brightest ornaments that this or any
other age had produced I enjoyed his friendship without reserve and such was
the confidence he reposed in my integrity from long experience of my truth
that he often said he would believe my bare assertion even tho it should
contradict the evidence of his own senses These being the terms upon which we
lived it is not to be supposed that I bore the loss of him without repining
indeed my grief was unspeakable and tho the edge of it be now smoothed by the
lenient hand of time I shall never cease to cherish his memory with the most
tender remembrance
During the last period of my living with my lord I had agreed to the
expediency of obtaining an act of parliament which would enable him to pay his
debts on which occasion there was a necessity for cancelling a deed that
subsisted between us relating to a separate maintenance to which on certain
provisos I was intitled and this was to be set aside so far as it interfered
with the above mentioned scheme while the rest of it should remain in force
When this affair was about to be transacted my lord very generously insisted
upon my concurrence in annulling the whole settlement and when I refused to
comply with this demand because this was the sole resource I had against his
ill usage he would not proceed in the execution of his plan tho by dropping
it he hurt nobody but himself and accused me of having receded from my word
after I had drawn him into a considerable expence
This imputation of breaking my word which I defy the whole world to prove I
ever did incensed me the more as I myself had proposed the scheme for his
service altho I knew the accomplishment of it would endanger the validity of
my own settlement and my indignation was still more augmented by the behaviour
of Mr G who had always professed a regard for my interest and upon my last
accommodation with my lord undertaken to effect a reconciliation between my
father and me but when he was questioned about the particulars of this
difference and desired to declare whether his lordship or I was to blame he
declined the office of arbitrator refused to be explicit on the subject and by
certain shrewd hums and has signified his disapprobation of my conduct and yet
this very man when I imparted to him in confidence my intention of making
another retreat and frankly asked his opinion of my design seemed to acquiesce
in the justice of it in these remarkable words »Madam if I thought or had
hopes of my lords growing better I would down on my knees to desire you to
stay but as I have not I say nothing«
If he connived at my conduct in this particular why should he disapprove of
it when all I asked was but common justice But he was a dependent and
therefore I excuse his phlegmatic not to call it unfriendly behaviour Indeed
he could not be too cautious of giving offence to his lordship who sometimes
made him feel the effects of that wrath which other people had kindled
particularly in consequence of a small adventure which happened about this very
period of time
A very agreeable sprightly goodnatured young man a near relation of my
lord happening to be at our house one evening when there was a fire in the
neighbourhood we agreed to go and sup at a tavern en famille and having spent
the evening with great mirth and good humour this young gentleman who was
naturally facetious in taking his leave saluted us all round My lord who had
before entertained some jealousy of his kinsman was very much provoked by this
trifling incident but very prudently suppressed his displeasure till he
returned to his own house where his rage cooperating with the Champagne he had
drank inflamed him to such a degree of resolution that he sprung upon the
innocent Gn and collared him with great fury though he was altogether
unconcerned in the cause of his indignation
This extravagant and frantic behaviour added to the other grievances under
which I laboured hastened my resolution of leaving him and he to this day
blames his relation as the immediate cause of my escape whereas he ought to
place it to the account of his own madness and indiscretion When I retired to
Parkstreet he cautioned all my tradesmen not even excepting my baker against
giving me credit assuring them that he would not pay any debts I should
contract and the difficulties to which I was reduced in consequence of this
charitable declaration together with the reflection of what I had suffered and
might undergo from the caprice and barbarity of his disposition affected my
health so much that I was taken again ill and my life thought in danger
My constitution however got the better of my distemper and I was ordered
into the country by my physicians for the benefit of the air so that I found
myself under the necessity of keeping two houses when I was little able to
support one and set up my chariot because I could not defray the expence of an
hackney coach for I had as much credit given me as I askd for notwithstanding
my lords orders to the contrary
Having recruited my spirits in the country I returned to town and was
visited by my friends who never forsook me in adversity and in the summer
removed to an house in Essex where I lived a few months in great tranquillity
unmolested by my tyrant who sometimes gave me a whole years respite Here I
used to ride and drive by turns as my humour dictated with horses which were
lent me and I had the company of my lover and another gentleman who was a
very agreeable companion and of singular service to me in the sequel
At last my lord having received intelligence of the place of my abode and
his tormenting humour recurring he set out for my habitation and in the
morning appeared in his coach and six attended by Mr Gn and another person
whom he had engaged for the purpose with several domesticks armed I
immediately shut up my doors at his approach and refused him admittance which
he endeavoured to obtain by a succession of prayers and threats but I was deaf
to both and resolved to hold out to the last
Seeing me determined he began his attack and his servants actually forced
their way into the house upon which I retreated up stairs and fortified myself
in an apartment which the assailants stormed with such fury that the door
began to give way and I retired into another room
Whilst I remained in this post Mr Gn demanded a parley in which he
beggd I would favour my lord with an interview otherwise he knew not what
would be the consequence To this remonstrance I replied that I was not
disposed to comply with his request and that though their design should be
murder I was not at all afraid of death Upon this declaration they renewed
their attacks which they carried on with indifferent success till the
afternoon when my lord as if he had been at play sent a formal message to me
desiring that all hostilities should cease till after both parties should have
dined At the same time my own servants came for instructions and I ordered
them to let him have every thing which he should call for as far as the house
would afford
He did not fail to make use of this permission but sitting down with his
companions ate up my dinner without hesitation after he had paid me the
compliment of desiring to know what he should send up to my apartment Far from
having any stomach to partake of his meal I sat solitary upon my bed in a
state of melancholy expectation having fastened the door of the outward room
for my security while I kept my chamber open for the convenience of air the
weather being excessively hot
His lordship having indulged his appetite resumed his attempt and all of a
sudden I heard a noise in the next room upon which I started up and perceiving
that he had got into my antichamber by the help of a bench that stood under
the window I flung to the door of my room which I locked with great
expedition and opening another that communicated with the staircase ran out
of the house through a croud of more than an hundred people whom this fray had
gathered together
Being universally beloved in the neighbourhood and respected by my lords
servants I passed among them untouched and took refuge in a neighbouring
cottage while his lordship bawled and roared for assistance being afraid to
come out as he had got in Without waiting for his deliberations I changed
cloaths with the poor woman who had given me shelter and in her blue apron and
strawhat sallied out into the fields intending to seek protection at the house
of a gentleman not far off though I was utterly ignorant of the road that led
to it However it was my good fortune to meet with a farmer who undertook to
conduct me to the place otherwise I should have missed my way and in all
probability lain in the fields for by this time it was eight oclock at
night
Under the direction of this guide I traversed hedges and ditches for I
would not venture to travel in the highway lest I should fall into the hands of
my pursuer and after I had actually tumbled in the mire and walked six or
seven long miles by the help of a good spirit which never failed me on such
occasions I arrived at the place and rung the bell at the gardengate for
admittance Seeing my figure which was very uncouth together with my draggled
condition they denied me entrance but when they understood who I was
immediately opened the door and I was hospitably entertained after having been
the subject of mirth on account of my dress and adventure
Next day I returned and took possession of my house again where I resumed
my former amusements which I enjoyed in quiet for the space of a whole month
waiting with resignation for the issue of my lawsuit when one afternoon I was
apprized of his lordships approach by one of my spies whom I always employed
to reconnoitre the road and so fortunate was I in the choice of these scouts
that I never was betrayed by one of them though they were often bribed for that
purpose
I no sooner received this intelligence than I ordered my horse to be
saddled and mounting rode out of sight immediately directing my course a
different way from the London road I had not long proceeded in this tract when
my career was all of a sudden stoppd by a fivebar gate which after some
hesitation I resolved to leap my horse being an old hunter if I should find
myself pursued However with much difficulty I made shift to open it and
arrived in safety at the house of my very good friend Mr G who being a
justice of the peace had promised me his protection if it should be wanted
Thus secured for the present I sent out spies to bring information of his
lordships proceedings and understood that he had taken possession of my house
turned my servants adrift and made himself master of all my moveables cloaths
and papers As for the papers they were of no consequence but of cloaths I had
a good stock and when I had reason to believe that he did not intend to
relinquish his conquest I thought it was high time for me to remove to a
greater distance from his quarters Accordingly two days after my escape I set
out at eleven oclock at night in a chariot and four which I borrowed of my
friend attended by a footman who was a stout fellow and well armed I myself
being provided with a brace of good pistols which I was fully determined to
use against any person who should presume to lay violent hands upon me except
my lord for whom a less mortal weapon would have sufficed such as a bodkin or
a tinderbox Nothing could be farther from my intention than the desire of
hurting any living creature much less my husband my design was only to defend
myself from cruelty and oppression which I knew by fatal experience would
infallibly be my lot should he get me into his power and I thought I had as
good a right to preserve my happiness as that which every individual has to
preserve his life especially against a set of ruffians who were engaged to rob
me of it for a little dirty lucre
In the midst of our journey the footman came up and told me I was doggd
upon which I looked out and seeing a man riding by the chariotside presented
one of my pistols out at the window and preserved that posture of defence
until he thought proper to retreat and rid me of the fears that attended his
company I arrived in town and changing my equipage hired an open chaise in
which though I was almost starved with cold I travelled to Reading which I
reached by ten next morning and from thence proceeded farther in the country
with a view of taking refuge with Mrs C who was my particular friend Here I
should have found shelter though my lord had been beforehand with me and
endeavoured to prepossess her against my conduct had not the house been crouded
with company among whom I could not possibly have been concealed especially
from her brother who was an intimate friend of my persecutor
Things being thus situated I enjoyed but a very short interview with her
in which her sorrow and perplexity on my account appeared with great expression
in her countenance and though it was not in her power to afford me the relief I
expected she in the most genteel manner sent after me a small sum of money
thinking that considering the hurry in which I left my house I might have
occasion for it on the road I was by this time benumbed with cold fatigued
with travelling and almost fretted to death by my disappointment However this
was no time to indulge despondence since no body could or would assist me I
stood the more in need of my own resolution and presence of mind After some
deliberation I steered my course back to London and being unwilling to return
by the same road in which I came as well as impatient to be at the end of my
journey I chose the Bagshot way and ventured to cross the heath by moonlight
Here I was attacked by a footpad armed with a broadsword who came up and
demanded my money My stock amounted to twelve guineas and I foresaw that
should I be strippd of the whole sum I could not travel without discovering
who I was and consequently running the risk of being detected by my pursuer
On these considerations I gave the fellow three guineas and some silver with
which he was so far from being satisfied that he threatened to search me for
more but I ordered the coachman to proceed and by good fortune escaped that
ceremony though I was under some apprehension of being overtaken with a
pistolbullet in my flight and therefore held down my head in the chaise in
imitation of some great men who are said to have ducked in the same manner in
the day of battle
My fears happened to be disappointed I lay at an inn upon the road and
next day arrived in town in the utmost difficulty and distress for I knew not
where to fix my habitation and was destitute of all means of support In this
dilemma I applied to my lawyer who recommended me to the house of a tradesman
in Westminster where I lodged and boarded upon credit with my faithful
Abigail whom I shall distinguish by the name of Mrs Sr for the space of
ten weeks during which I saw nobody and never once stirred abroad
While I was thus harrassed out of all enjoyment of life and reduced to the
utmost indigence by the cruelty of my persecutor who had even strippd me of
my wearing apparel I made a conquest of lord D a nobleman who is now dead
and therefore I shall say little of his character which is perfectly well
known this only will I observe that next to my own tyrant he was the only
person of whom I had the greatest abhorrence Nevertheless when these two came
in competition I preferred the offers of this new lover which were very
considerable and as an asylum was the chief thing I wanted agreed to follow
him to his countryseat whither I actually sent my cloaths which I had
purchased upon credit
However upon mature deliberation I changed my mind and signified my
resolution in a letter desiring at the same time that my baggage might be sent
back In consequence of this message I expected a visit from him in all the
rage of indignation and disappointment and gave orders that he should not be
admitted into my house yet notwithstanding this precaution he found means to
procure entrance and one of the first objects that I saw next morning in my
bedchamber was my lover armed with his horsewhip against which from the
knowledge of the man I did not think myself altogether secure though I was not
much alarmed because I believed myself superior to him in point of bravery
should the worst come to the worst but contrary to my expectation and his
usual behaviour to our sex he accosted me very politely and began to
expostulate upon the contents of my letter I freely told him that I had rashly
assented to his proposal for my own convenience only that when I reflected on
what I had done I thought it ungenerous in me to live with him upon these
terms and that as I did not like him and could not dissemble such a
correspondence could never tend to the satisfaction of either He allowed the
inference was just though he was very much chagrined at my previous proceeding
he relinquished his claim restored my cloaths and never afterwards upbraided
me with my conduct in this affair though he at one time owned that he still
loved me and ever should because I had used him ill a declaration that
strongly marks the peculiarity of his character As for my own part I own that
my behaviour on this occasion is no other way excusable than on account of the
miserable perplexity of my circumstances which were often so calamitous that I
wonder I have not been compelled to take such steps as would have rendered my
conduct much more exceptionable than it really is
At last all my hopes were blasted by the issue of my suit which was
determined in favour of my lord Even then I refused to yield on the contrary
coming out of retirement I took lodgings in Suffolkstreet and set my tyrant
at defiance But being unwilling to trust my doors to the care of other people
I took an house in Conduitstreet and no sooner appeared in the world again
than I was surrounded by divers and sundry sorts of admirers I believe I
received the incense and addresses of all kinds under the sun except that sort
which was most to my liking a man capable of contracting and inspiring a mutual
attachment but such a one is equally rare and inestimable not but that I own
myself greatly obliged to all those who cultivated my good graces though they
were very little beholden to me for where I did not really love I could never
profess that passion that sort of dissimulation is a slavery that no honest
nature will undergo Except one worthy young man whom I sometimes saw they were
a strange medley of insignificant beings one was insipid another ridiculously
affected a third void of all education a fourth altogether inconsistent and
in short I found as many trifling characters among the men as ever I observed
in my own sex Some of them I endeavoured to bring over to my maxims while they
attempted to make a proselyte of me but finding the task impracticable on both
sides we very wisely dropt each other
At length however I was blessed with the acquaintance of one nobleman who
is perhaps the first character in England in point of honour integrity wit
sense and benevolence when I have thus distinguished him I need scarce mention
lord This great this good man possesses every accomplishment requisite to
inspire admiration love and esteem With infinitely more merit than almost ever
fell to one mans share he manifests such diffidence of his own qualifications
as cannot fail to prepossess every company in his favour He seems to observe
nothing yet sees every thing his manner of telling a story and making trifles
elegant is peculiar to himself and though he has a thousand oddities they
serve only to make him more agreeable After what I have said it may be
supposed that I was enamoured of his person but this was not the case love is
altogether capricious and fanciful yet I admire honour and esteem him to the
highest degree and when I observe that his character resembled that of my dear
departed friend Mr B or rather that Mr B had he lived would have
resembled lord I pay the highest compliment I can conceive both to the
living and the dead
In this noblemans friendship and conversation I thought myself happy
though I was as usual exposed to the indefatigable efforts of my lord who
one day while I was favoured with the company of this generous friend appeared
at my door in his coach attended by another gentleman who demanded entrance
with an air of authority A very honest footman who had been long in my
service ran up stairs in the utmost consternation and gave me an account of
what had happened below Upon which I told him he had nothing to answer for
and ordered him to keep the door fast shut against all opposition though I was
so much affected with this unexpected assault that lord said he was never
more surprized and shocked in his life than at the horror which appeared in my
countenance when I saw the coach stop at my door
My little hero being refused admittance went away threatening to return
speedily with a reinforcement and during this interval I provided myself with
a soldier whom I placed centinel at the door withinside to guard me from the
danger of such assaults for the future My lord true to his promise marched
back with his auxiliaries reinforced with a constable and repeated his demand
of being admitted and my soldier opening the sash in order to answer him
according to my directions he no sooner perceived the red coat than he was
seized with such a pannic that he instantly fled with great precipitation and
when he recounted the adventure like Falstaff in the play multiplied my guard
into a whole file of musqueteers He also made shift to discover the gentleman
who had been so kind as to lend me one of his company and complained of him to
the duke of N in hopes of seeing him broke for this misdemeanour but in that
expectation he was luckily disappointed
Perceiving that in England I should never enjoy peace but be continually
subject to those alarms and disquiets which had already impaired my health and
spirits I resolved to repair again to France my best refuge and sure retreat
from the persecution of my tyrant Yet before I took this step I endeavoured
by the advice of my friends to conceal myself near Windsor but was in a little
time discovered by my lord and hunted out of my lurking place accordingly I
then removed to Chelsea where I suffered inconceivable uneasiness and agitation
of mind from the nature of my situation my tranquillity being thus incessantly
invaded by a man who could not be satisfied with me and yet could not live
without me so that though I was very much indisposed I set out for France by
the way of the Hague as the war had shut up all other communication having no
other attendant but my woman Sr who though she dreaded the sea and was upon
the brink of matrimony would not quit me in such a calamitous condition until
I was joined by my footman and other maid whom I ordered to follow me with the
baggage But before my departure I sent a message to lord demanding my
cloaths which he had seized in Essex and he refusing to deliver them I was
obliged to equip myself anew upon credit
I was supplied with money for my journey by my good friend L and after a
short and pleasant passage arrived at the Hague where I stayed two months and
parted with Sr on whom I settled an annuity of five and twenty pounds
payable out of the provision which I had or might obtain from my husband The
same allowance had I prevailed upon lord B to grant to another maid who
attended me while I lived in his house
I did not much relish the people in Holland because they seemed entirely
devoted to selfinterest without any taste for pleasure or politeness a
species of disposition that could not be very agreeable to me who always
despised money had an unbounded benevolence of heart and loved pleasure beyond
every other consideration When I say pleasure I would not be understood to
mean sensuality which constitutes the supreme happiness of those only who are
void of sentiment and imagination Nevertheless I received some civilities in
this place and among the rest the reputation of having for my lover the king
of Ps minister who was young and airy and visited me often circumstances
that were sufficient to lay me under the imputation of an amour which I
frequently incurred without having given the least cause of suspicion
Having taken leave of my Dutch friends I departed from the Hague in
company with an Englishwoman whom I had chose for that purpose and arrived at
Antwerp with much difficulty and danger the highway being infested with
robbers After having reposed myself a few days in this city I hired a coach
for myself and set out with my companion for Brussels but before we reached
Mechlin our vehicle was attacked by two hussars who with their sabres drawn
obliged the coachman to drive into a wood near the road I at first imagined
they wanted to examine our passports but was soon too well convinced of their
design and though very much shocked at the discovery found resolution enough
to suppress my concern so that it should not aggravate the terrors of the young
woman who had almost died with apprehension I even encouraged her to hope for
the best and addressing myself to the robbers in French beggd in the most
suppliant manner that they would spare our lives upon which one of them who
was a little fellow assured me in the same language that we had nothing to
fear for our persons
When we were conveyed in a state of dreadful suspence about three quarters
of a mile into the wood the ruffians came into the coach and taking my keys
which I kept ready in my hand for them opened three large trunks that
contained my baggage and emptying them of every thing but my hoops and a few
books packed up their booty in a cloth then robbing me of my money and jewels
even to my shoebuckles and sleevebuttons took my footmans laced hat and
gave it by way of gratification to a peasant who came from behind the bushes
and assisted them in packing
This affair being dispatched they ordered us to return to the road by a
different way from that in which we were carried into the wood and mounting
their horses rode off with the plunder though not before the little fellow
who was the least ferocious of the two had come and shaken me by the hand
wishing us a good journey a compliment which I heartily returned being
extremely well pleased at the retreat of two such companions who had detained
us a whole half hour during which notwithstanding the assurance I had
received I was in continual apprehension of seeing their operation conclude
with the murder of us all for I supposed they were of that gang who had some
time before murthered a French officer and used a lady extremely ill after
having rifled her of all she had
Having thus undergone pillage and being reduced to the extremity of
indigence in a foreign land it is not to be supposed that my reflections were
very comfortable and yet though I sustained the whole damage I was the only
person in the company who bore the accident with any resolution and presence of
mind My coachman and valet seemed quite petrified with fear and it was not
till I had repeated my directions that the former drove farther into the wood
and took the first turning to the right in order to regain the road according
to the command of the robbers which I did not choose to disobey
This misfortune I suffered by the misinformation I received at Antwerp
where I would have provided myself with an escort had I not been assured that
there was not the least occasion to put myself to such extraordinary expence
and indeed the robbers took the only half hour in which they could have had an
opportunity of plundering us for we no sooner returned into the Highway than
we met with the French artillery coming from Brussels which was a security to
us during the rest of our journey We were afterwards informed at a small
village that there was actually a large gang of deserters who harboured in
that wood from which they made excursions in the neighbourhood and kept the
peasants in continual alarms
Having proceeded a little way we were stoppd by the artillery crossing a
bridge and as the train was very long must have been detained till night had
not a soldier informed me that if I would take the trouble to come out of my
coach and apply to the commandant he would order them to halt and allow me to
pass I took the mans advice and was by him conducted with much difficulty
through the croud to some officers who seemed scarce to deserve the name for
when I signified my request they neither rose up nor desired me to sit down
but lolling in their chairs with one leg stretched out asked with an air of
disrespectful raillery where I was going and when I answered »To Paris«
desired to know what I would do there
I who am naturally civil where I am civilly used and saucy enough where I
think myself treated with disregard was very much piqued at their insolent and
unmannerly behaviour and began to reply to their impertinent questions very
abruptly so that a very tart dialogue would have ensued had not the
conversation been interrupted by a tall thin genteel young French nobleman an
officer in the army who chancing to come in asked with great politeness what
I would please to have I then repeated my desire and produced my passports by
which he learnd who I was He immediately gave orders that my coach should
pass and afterwards visited me at Paris having obtained my permission and
taken my address at parting while the others understanding my name and
quality asked pardon for their impolite carriage which they told me was owing
to the representation of the soldier who gave them to understand that I was a
strolling actress
I could not help laughing heartily at this mistake which might have
proceeded from the circumstances of my appearance my footman having been
obliged to change hats with the peasant and myself being without buckles in my
shoes and buttons in my ridingshirt while my countenance still retained marks
of the fear and confusion I had undergone After all perhaps the fellow was a
droll and wanted to entertain himself at my expence
The day was so far consumed in these adventures that I was obliged to take
up my lodging at Mechlin where I addressed myself to the intendant giving him
an account of the disaster I had met with and desiring I might have credit at
the inn as our whole company could not raise the value of a sixpence This
gentleman tho a provincial was polite in his way and not only granted my
request but invited me to lodge at his own house I accordingly gave him my
company at supper but did not choose to sleep in his quarters because he
appeared to be what the French call un vieux debauchè
Next day he sent a trumpet to the general with a detail of my misfortune
in hopes of retrieving what I had lost but notwithstanding all possible
search I was fain to put up with my damage which in linen laces cloaths and
baubles amounted to upwards of seven hundred pounds a loss which never
deprived me of one moments rest for though I lodged at a miserable inn and
lay in a paultry bed I slept as sound as if nothing extraordinary had happened
after I had written to London and Paris directing that the payment of my bills
of credit might be stoppd Indeed I know but of two misfortunes in life
capable of depressing my spirits namely the loss of health and friends all
others may be prevented or endured The articles of that calamity which I
chiefly regretted were a picture of lord Wm and some inimitable letters from
Mr B
From Mechlin I proceeded to Brussels where being known I got credit for
some necessaries and borrowed twenty guineas to defray the expence of my
journey to Paris Having consulted with my friends about the safest method of
travelling through Flanders I was persuaded to take places in the public
Voiture and accordingly departed not without fears of finding one part of the
country as much infested with robbers as another Nor were these apprehensions
assuaged by the conversation of my fellowtravellers who being of the lower
sort of people that delight in exaggerating dangers entertained me all the
way with an account of all the robberies and murders which had been committed
on that road with many additional circumstances of their own invention
After having been two days exposed to this comfortable conversation among
very disagreeable company which is certainly one of the most disagreeable
situations in life I arrived at Lisle where thinking the dangerous part of
the journey was now past I hired a postchaise and in two days more reached
Paris without any farther molestation
Upon my arrival in this capital I was immediately visited by my old
acquaintances who hearing my disaster offered me their cloaths and insisted
upon my wearing them until I could be otherwise provided They likewise engaged
me in parties with a view of amusing my imagination that I might not grow
melancholy in reflecting upon my loss and desired me to repeat the particulars
of my story forty times over expressing great surprize at our not being
murthered or ravished at least As for this last species of outrage the fear
of it never once entered my head otherwise I should have been more shocked and
alarmed than I really was but it seems this was the chief circumstance of my
companions apprehension and I cannot help observing that an homely woman is
always more apt to entertain those fears than one whose person exposes her to
much more imminent danger However I now learned that the risk I ran was much
greater than I imagined it to be those ruffians being familiarized to rape as
well as murder
Soon after my appearance in Paris I was favoured with the addresses of
several French lovers but I never had any taste for foreigners or indeed for
any amusement of that kind except such as were likely to be lasting and
settled upon a more agreeable footing than that of common gallantry When I
deviated from this principle my conduct was the effect of compulsion and
therefore I was never easy under it having been reduced to the alternative of
two evils the least of which I was obliged to choose as a man leaps into the
sea in order to escape from a ship that is on fire
Though I rejected their love I did not refuse their company and
conversation and though my health was considerably impaired by the shock I
received in my last adventure which was considerably greater than I at first
imagined and affected my companion so much that she did not recover her
spirits till she returned to England I say though I was for some time a
valetudinarian I enjoyed myself in great tranquillity for the space of ten
months during which I was visited by English Scotch and French of all
parties and persuasions for pleasure is of no faction and that was the chief
object of my pursuit neither was I so ambitious of being a politician as to
employ my time and thoughts upon subjects which I did not understand I had
admirers of all sides and should have spent my time very much to my liking had
not I felt my funds sensibly diminish without any prospect of their being
repaired for I had been obliged to lay out a great part of the sum allotted for
my subsistence in supplying my companion my servant and myself with
necessaries in lieu of those which we had lost
Having before mine eyes the uncomfortable prospect of wanting money in a
strange place I found myself under the necessity of returning to England where
I had more resources than I could possibly have among foreigners and with that
view wrote to lord s agents desiring that I might be enabled to discharge my
obligations at Paris by the payment of my pinmoney Thus a negotiation
commenced and his lordship promised to remit money for the clearance of my
Paris debts which amounted to four hundred pounds but he would not advance one
farthing more though I gave him to understand that while he protracted the
agreement I must inevitably be adding to my incumbrances and that I should be
as effectually detained by a debt of twenty pounds as if I owed a thousand
Notwithstanding all my representations he would not part with one shilling over
the neat sum which I had at first stipulated so that all my measures were
rendered abortive and I found it altogether impracticable to execute those
resolutions I had formed in his favour
Thus did he for a meer trifle embarrass the woman for whom he professes
the most unlimited love and whose principles he pretends to hold in the utmost
veneration Indeed his confidence in my integrity is not without foundation for
many wives with one half of my provocation would have ruined him to all
intents and purposes whereas notwithstanding all the extraordinary expences
to which I have been exposed by his continual persecution he never paid a
shilling on my account except one thousand pounds exclusive of the small
allowance which was my due In a word so much time elapsed before my lord could
prevail upon himself to advance the bare four hundred that I was involved in
fresh difficulties from which I found it impossible to extricate myself and
though I had occasion to write a letter to my benefactor lord in which I
expressed my acknowledgment for past favours I could not venture to sollicit
more even when I was encouraged by a very obliging answer wherein he declared
that the good qualities of my mind and heart would bind him to me in friendship
for ever
While I ruminated on my uncomfortable situation which would neither permit
me to return to England nor to stay much longer where I was a young Englishman
of immense fortune took Paris in his way from Italy accompanied by a most
agreeable Scotchman of very good sense and great vivacity It was my good or ill
fortune to become acquainted with these gentlemen who having seen me at the
opera expressed a desire of being known to me and accordingly favoured me with
a visit one afternoon when the brisk North Briton ingrossed the whole
conversation while the other seemed fearful and diffident even to a degree of
bashfulness through which however I could discern a delicate sensibility and
uncommon understanding there was in his person which was very agreeable as
well as in his behaviour a certain naivetè that was very pleasing and at this
first interview we relished each others company so well that a sort of
intimacy immediately commenced and was carried on in a succession of parties of
pleasure in the course of which I found him fraught with all the tenderness and
sentiment that render the heart susceptible of the most refined love a
disposition that immediately made me partial to him while it subjected his own
heart to all the violent impressions of a passion which I little imagined our
correspondence would have produced
Nevertheless I was far from being displeased with my conquest because his
person and qualifications as well as his manner of address were very much to
my liking and recommended him in a particular manner to my affection Indeed
he made a greater progress in my heart than I myself suspected for there was
something congenial in our souls which from our first meeting I believe had
attracted us unknown to ourselves under the notions of friendship and regard
and now disclosed itself in the most passionate love
I listened to his addresses and we were truly happy His attachment was the
quintessence of tenderness and sincerity while his generosity knew no bounds
Not contented with having paid twelve hundred pounds on my account in the space
of one fortnight he would have loaded me with present after present had not I
absolutely refused to accept such expensive marks of his munificence I was even
mortified at those instances of his liberality which my situation compelled me
to receive lest being but little acquainted with my disposition he should
suspect me of being interested in my love and judge my conduct by the malicious
reports of common fame which he afterwards owned had at first obtained such
credit with him that he believed our mutual attachment would not be of long
duration But in this particular he was soon undeceived his heart though
naturally adapted for the melting passion had hitherto escaped untouched by all
the ladies of Italy and France and therefore the first impressions were the
more deeply fixed As he was unpractised in the ways of common gallantry and
deceit the striking simplicity in his character was the more likely to engage
the heart of one who knew the perfidy of the world and despised all the farce
and bombast of fashionable profession which I had always considered as the
phrase of vanity and ostentation rather than the genuine language of love
Besides gratitude had a considerable share in augmenting my affection which
manifested itself in such a warm cordial artless manner as increased his
esteem and rivetted his attachment for he could easily perceive from the
whole tenour of my conduct that my breast was an utter stranger to craft and
dissimulation yet I was at first fearful of contracting any engagement with
him because being younger than me he might be the more apt to change and the
world might be malicious enough to suppose I had practised upon his
inexperience but conscious of my own integrity I set slander at defiance
trusting to my own behaviour and his natural probity for the continuance of
his love Though we did not live together in the same house the greatest part
of our time was spent in each others company we dined and supped at the same
table frequented public places went upon parties to the country and never
parted but for a few hours in the night which we passed in the utmost
impatience to meet again
In this agreeable manner did the days roll on when my felicity was
interrupted by a fit of jealousy with which I happened to be seized I had
contracted an acquaintance with a young married lady who though her personal
attractions were but slender was upon the whole an agreeable chearful
goodnatured companion with a little dash of the coquette in her composition
This woman being in very indigent circumstances occasioned by some losses her
husband had sustained no sooner had an opportunity of seeing and conversing
with my lover than she formed the design of making a conquest of him I should
have forgiven her for this scheme whatever pangs it might have cost me had I
believed it the effect of real passion but I knew her too well to suppose her
heart was susceptible of love and accordingly resented it In the execution of
her plan she neglected nothing which she thought capable of engaging her
attention She took all opportunities of sitting near him at table ogled him in
the most palpable manner directed her whole discourse to him trod upon his
toes nay I believe squeezed his hand My blood boiled at her though my
pride for some time enabled me to conceal my uneasiness till at length her
behaviour became so arrogant and gross that I could no longer suppress my
indignation and one day told my lover that I would immediately renounce his
correspondence
He was greatly alarmed at this unexpected declaration and when he
understood the cause of it assured me that for the future he would never
exchange one word with her Satisfied with this mark of his sincerity and
regard I released him from this promise which he could not possibly keep
while she and I lived upon any terms and we continued to visit each other as
usual though she still persisted in her endeavours to rival me in his
affection and contracted an intimacy with his companion who seemed to
entertain a passion for her that she might have the more frequent opportunities
of being among us for she had no objection against favouring the addresses of
both One evening I remember we set out in my coach for the opera and in the
way this inamorata was so busy with her feet that I was incensed at her
behaviour and when we arrived at the place refused to alight but setting
them down declared my intention of returning home immediately She was so much
pleased with this intimation that she could not conceal the joy she felt at the
thoughts of conversing with him uninterrupted by my presence an opportunity
with which I had never favoured her before This open exultation increased my
anger and anxiety I went home but being still tortured with the reflection of
having left them together adjusted myself in the glass though I was too angry
to take notice of my own figure and without farther delay returned to the
opera
Having inquired for the box in which they sat I took possession of one that
fronted them and reconnoitring them without being perceived had the
satisfaction of seeing him removed to as great a distance from her as the place
would permit and his head turned another way Composed by this examination I
joined them without further scruple when my young gentleman expressed great joy
at my appearance and told me he was determined to have left the entertainment
and come in quest of me had not I returned at that instant
In our way homewards my rival repeated her usual hints and with her large
hoop almost overshadowed my lover from my view upon which my jealousy and wrath
recurred with such violence that I pulled the string as a signal for the
coachman to stop with a view of getting out and going home afoot a step which
would have afforded a new spectacle to the people of Paris But I reflected in
a moment upon the folly of such a resolution and soon recollected myself by
calling my pride to my assistance I determined however that she should act no
more scenes of this kind in my presence and that same night insisted upon my
lovers dropping all intercourse and connexion with this tormentor He very
chearfully complied with my desire and was even glad of an occasion to break
off his acquaintance with a person about whom I had plagued him so much
Thus was I freed from the persecution of one of those creatures who tho
of little consequence in themselves are yet the pests of society and find
means to destroy that harmony which reigns between two lovers by the intrusion
of a loose appetite void of all sensibility and discretion having no feeling
themselves they cannot sympathize with that of other people and do mischief
out of meer wantonness
My lover being obliged to go to England had settled me in a genteel house
in Paris with a view of returning when his affairs should be adjusted but when
the time of his departure approached he began to be uneasy at the prospect of
separation and in order to alleviate his anxiety desired me to accompany him
to Calais where we stayed together three or four days during which the dread
of parting became more and more intense so that we determined upon my following
him into England by the first opportunity where I should live altogether
incog that I might be concealed from the inquiries and attempts of my lord
Even after this resolution was fixed we parted with all the agonies of lovers
who despair of ever meeting again and the wind blowing very high after he had
imbarked increased my fears But by the return of the packetboat I was
blessed with the report of his being safe arrived in England and had the
satisfaction of perusing his letters by every post
My admirer being thus detached from me my thoughts were intirely employed
in concerting some private method of conveying myself to him As I would not
trust myself in the common packet for fear of being discovered after having
revolved divers schemes I determined to transport myself in one of the Dutch
fishingboats tho I knew the passage would be hazardous but in a case of
such interesting concern I overlooked all danger and inconvenience Before I
put this resolution in practice I was so fortunate as to hear of a small
English vessel that arrived at Calais with a prisoner of war in which I
embarked with my companion and another lady who lived with me for some time
afterwards and when we came on board discovered that the ship was no other
than a light collier and that her whole company amounted to no more than three
men Nevertheless tho the sea was so rough and the weather so unpromising
that no other boat would venture to put to sea we set sail and between two
storms in about three hours arrived in safety at Dover
From hence my first companion went to her friends in the stagecoach while
the other lady and I hired an open postchaise tho it snowed very hard and
without any accident performed our journey to London where I met with my lover
who flew to my arms in all the transports of impatient joy and doubtless I
deserved his affection for the hardships perils and difficulties I had
undergone to be with him for I never scrupled to undertake any thing
practicable in order to demonstrate the sincerity of what I professed
In consequence of our plan I assumed a fictitious name and never appeared
in publick being fully satisfied and happy in the company and conversation of
the man I loved and when he went into the country contented myself with his
correspondence which he punctually maintained in a series of letters equally
sensible sincere and affectionate
Upon his return to town for the remainder of the season he devoted the
greatest part of his time to our mutual enjoyment left me with reluctance when
he was called away by indispensible business and the civility which was due to
his acquaintance and very seldom went to any place of publick entertainment
because I could not accompany and share with him in the diversion nay so much
did I ingross his attention that one evening after he had been teized into an
agreement of meeting some friends at a play he went thither precisely at the
appointed hour and as they did not arrive punctually at the very minute he
returned to me immediately as much rejoiced at his escape as if he had met with
some signal deliverance Nor was his constancy inferior to the ardour of his
love we went once together to a ball in the Haymarket where in the midst of
a thousand fine women whose charms were inhanced by the peculiarity of the
dresses they wore he remained unshaken unseduced preserving his attachment
for me in spite of all temptation
In the summer he provided me with a house in the neighbourhood of his own
but the accommodations being bad and that country affording no other place fit
for my residence he brought me home to his own seat and by that step raised an
universal clamour tho I saw no company and led such a solitary life that
nothing but excessive love could have supported my spirits not but that he gave
me as much of his time as he could possibly spare from the necessary duties of
paying and receiving visits together with the avocations of hunting and other
country amusements which I could not partake Formerly indeed I used to hunt
and shoot but I had left off both so that I was now reduced to the alternative
of reading and walking by myself but Love made up for all deficiencies to me
who think nothing else worth the living for Had I been blessed with a partner
for life who could have loved sincerely and inspired me with a mutual flame I
would have asked no more of fate Interest and ambition have no share in my
composition love which is pleasure or pleasure which is love makes up the
whole A heart so disposed cannot be devoid of other good qualities it must be
subject to the impressions of humanity and benevolence and enemy to nothing but
itself This you will give me leave to affirm in justice to myself as I have
frankly owned my failings and misconduct
Towards the end of summer my heart was a little alarmed by a report that
prevailed of my lovers being actually engaged in a treaty of marriage
however I gave little credit to this rumour till I was obliged to go to town
about business and there I heard the same information confidently affirmed
Tho I still considered it as a vague surmise I wrote to him an account of what
I had heard and in his answer which is still in my possession he assured me
with repeated vows and protestations that the report was altogether false
Satisfied with this declaration I returned to his house and tho the tale was
incessantly thundered in my ears still believed it void of all foundation till
my suspicion was awaked by a very inconsiderable circumstance
One day on his return from hunting I perceived he had a very fine pair of
Dresden ruffles on his shirt which I could not suppose he would wear at such a
rustic exercise and therefore my fears immediately took the alarm When I
questioned him about this particular of his dress his colour changed and tho
he attempted to elude my suspicion by imputing it to a mistake of his servant
I could not rest satisfied with this account of the matter but inquired into
the truth with such eagerness and penetration that he could not deny he had
been to make a visit and by degrees I even extorted from him a confession
that he had engaged himself farther than he ought to have proceeded without
making me acquainted with his design tho he endeavoured to excuse his conduct
and pacify my displeasure by saying that the affair would not be brought to
bear for a great while and perhaps might never come to a determination but he
was in great confusion and indeed hardly knew what he said
I would have quitted his house that moment had not he beforehand obtained
a promise that I would take no rash resolution of that kind and put it out of
my power to procure any method of conveyance by which I could make my retreat I
gave no vent to reproaches and only upbraided him with his having permitted me
to return in ignorance to the country after I was once fairly gone upon which
he swore that he could not bear the thoughts of parting with me This
declaration was a mystery at that time but I have been since so fully satisfied
of his reasons for his conduct that I heartily acquit him of all injustice to
me And indeed it is my sincere opinion that if ever a young man deserved to
be happy he is certainly intitled to that privilege and if I may be allowed
to judge has an heart susceptible of the most refined enjoyment
The violence of the grief and consternation which I suffered from this
stroke having a little subsided I deliberated with myself about the measures I
should take and determined to leave his house some day when he should be
abroad I was encouraged in this resolution by the advice of our Scotch friend
who came about this time from London on a visit to his fellowtraveller we
thought such an abrupt departure would be less shocking than to stay and take a
formal leave of my lover whose heart was of such a delicate frame that after I
told him I should one day withdraw myself in his absence he never came home
from the chace or any other avocation without trembling with apprehension that
I had escaped
After he had been some time accustomed to these fears by my previous
intimation I at length decamped in good earnest tho my heart aked upon the
occasion because I left him loving and beloved for his affection was evident
notwithstanding the step he had taken by the advice and importunity of all his
relations who laid a disagreeable restraint upon his inclinations while they
consulted his interest in every other particular
While I halted in the next great town until I could be supplied with fresh
horses I was visited by a gentleman who had been formerly intimate with my
lover but a breach had happened in their friendship and he now came to
complain of the treatment he had received Perceiving that I was not in a humour
to listen to his story he shifted the conversation to my own and observed
that I had been extremely ill used I told him I was of a different opinion
that it was not only just but expedient that a young man of Mr s fortune
should think of making some alliance to strengthen and support the interest of
his family and that I had nothing to accuse him of but his letting me remain so
long in ignorance of his intention He then gave me to understand that I was
still ignorant of a great part of the ill usage I had received affirming that
while I lived in his house he had amused himself with all the common women in
that town to some of whom this gentleman had personally introduced him
At first I could not believe this imputation but he supported his
assertions with so many convincing circumstances that I could no longer doubt
the truth of them and I felt so much resentment that my love vanished
immediately into air Instead of proceeding in my journey to London I went back
a considerable way and sent a message desiring to see him in a little house
about mid way between his own habitation and the town from whence I came He
obeyed my summons and appeared at the place appointed where I reproached him
with great bitterness He pleaded guilty to the charge so far as acknowledging
that he had corresponded with other women lately in order to get the better of
his affection for me but the experiment had failed and he found that he should
be for ever miserable
I did not look upon this candid confession as a sufficient atonement for his
past dissimulation and in the sharpness of my revenge demanded a settlement
which he peremptorily refused so that for the present we held each other in
the utmost contempt Indeed I afterwards despised myself for my condescension
which was owing to the advice of my companion supported and inflamed by the
spirit of resentment Nevertheless he begged that I would return to his house
or stay all night where I was but I was deaf to his intreaties and after a
great deal of ironical civility on my side I took my leave and went away yet
before I set out I looked back and saw him on horseback with such an air of
simplicity and truth as called up a profound sigh notwithstanding all that had
passed in our conversation
Upon my arrival in London I took lodgings in LeicesterFields and answered
a letter which I had some months before received from my lord telling him that
I would go home to him without stipulating for any terms to try what effect my
confidence would have upon his generosity He readily embraced the offer and
took an house in St Jamess street where I proposed to comply with his humour
in every thing that was consistent with my own peace and tranquillity
Mean while my lover passed his time very disagreeably in the country with
his friend of whom it seems he had conceived some jealousy which was
increased by a letter I wrote to that gentleman till he was made acquainted
with the contents which he read over forty times and then his passion breaking
out with more violence than ever he not only expressed his feeling in an
epistle which I immediately received but when he came to town suffered such
agonies of despair as I had never seen before except in lord B It was then
in my power to have taken ample revenge upon him as well as upon my insolent
rival who had insisted upon my leaving his house in a very abrupt manner tho
he absolutely refused to gratify her malice for he was now disposed to do any
thing for my satisfaction but I knew his worth and had too much regard for his
reputation to advise him to act inconsistent with his honour
About this time many tender meetings and sorrowful partings happened
between us till the marriageknot was tied when he sent me a banknote for a
thousand pounds by way of specimen as he called it of his friendship and of
what he would do for me should I ever want his assistance This mark of his
generosity I received in a most tender billet which I shall never part with
together with his picture set in diamonds
I now employed my thoughts in keeping measures with my lord we lay in the
same apartment and for the first four or five months I neither dined nor supped
abroad above twice and then he knew where I was and approved of my company
But all this complacency and circumspection had no effect upon his temper which
remained as capricious and dissatisfied as ever Nay to such a provoking degree
did this unhappy humour prevail that one day in the presence of his lawyer he
harrangued upon my misconduct since our last reunion and very freely affirmed
that every step I had taken was diametrically opposite to his will
Conscious of the pains I had been at to please him I was so incensed at
these unjust invectives that starting up I told him he was a little dirty
fellow and would have left the house immediately had not his lawyer and
others who were in the next room interposed and by dint of argument and
importunity diverted me from my purpose By the bye I have been informed by a
person of rank that my lord discovered exactly the same disposition in his
fathers lifetime and only changes the subject of his complaint from the word
father to that of wife Indeed he takes all opportunities of plaguing my dear
parent as he has just sagacity enough to know that this is the most effectual
way he can take to distress me
After repeated trials I have given up all hopes of making him happy or of
finding myself easy in my situation and live with him at present to avoid a
greater inconvenience Not that his illnature is all the grievance of which I
complain exclusive of the personal disgust I entertain for him his folly is of
that species which disobliges rather than diverts and his vanity and
affectation altogether intolerable for he actually believes himself or at
least would impose himself upon mankind as a pattern in gallantry and taste
and in point of business a person of infinite sagacity and penetration but
the most ridiculous part of his character is his pretended talent for politics
in which he so deeply concerns himself that he has dismissed many a good
servant because he suspected him of having wrong connexions a theme upon which
he has often quarrelled with me even almost to parting accusing me of holding
correspondence with the earls of B and C and Mr H V tho I never had the
least acquaintance with any of these gentlemen except the earl of C to whom
I have not spoke for these ten years past
In short I have often been at a loss to know whether he was more mad or
malicious in those fits of enthusiasm wherein he seemed transported with zeal
for the commonwealth and tormented me with his admonitions out of all temper
and patience At length however I contrived an expedient which freed me from
these troublesome expostulations and silenced him effectually on the score of
politicks This was no other than an open avowal of being connected with all
those people whom I have named Indeed I knew him too well to believe there was
any thing solid in his intention or professions even when he carried them so
far as to demand a private audience of the K in order to communicate a scheme
for suppressing the rebellion and that being denied sollicited the duke of
Ds interest for permission to raise and head a regiment of Kentish
smugglers nay to such a pitch did his loyalty soar that he purchased a
firelock of particular mechanism calculated for the safety of the bearer in
case he had been placed centinel at his majestys door and kept his horses
ready caparisoned with a view of attending his sovereign to the field
Notwithstanding all these pompous preparations had he been put to the proof he
would have infallibly crept out of his engagements thro some sneaking evasion
his imagination being very fertile in such saving pretences Yet he will talk
sometimes so fervently and even sensibly on the subject that a stranger would
mistake him for a man of understanding and determined zeal for the good of his
country
Since my last return to his house that act of parliament passed by which
he was enabled to pay his debts and among the rest a thousand pounds of my
contracting the only burden of that kind I ever intailed upon him exclusive of
my pinmoney which was never regularly paid nor would he have been subject to
this had he not by his persecution and pursuit exposed me to an extraordinary
expence I have also had it in my power to reward some of my faithful Abigails
in particular to relieve from extreme distress that maid to whom as I have
already observed lord B granted an annuity which she had sold so that she
was reduced to the most abject poverty and I found her in a dismal hole with
two infants perishing for want a spectacle which drew tears from my eyes and
indeed could not but make a deep impression upon an heart like mine which the
misery of my fellowcreatures never failed to melt
Nor did I upon this occasion forget the attachment and fidelity of my
other woman Mrs S who hearing I was robbed in my passage thro Flanders had
generously relinquished the allowance I had settled upon her at parting The
exercise of such acts of humanity and benevolence and the pleasure of seeing my
dear and tender parent often in some measure alleviate the chagrin to which I
am subject from the disagreeable disposition of my lord who consistent with
his former inconsistency upon our last reconciliation chearfully agreed to a
proposal I made of having concerts in the house and even approved of the scheme
with marks of particular satisfaction but before one half of the winter was
expired he found means to banish all the company beginning with lord R B
who as he walked up stairs one evening was stopped by a footman who plainly
told him he had orders to say to him in particular that his lordship was not at
home yet the very next day perceiving that nobleman and me walking together in
the park he joined us with an air of alacrity as if no such thing had
happened and even behaved to lord R with the most fawning complaisance His
deportment was equally absurd and impertinent to the rest of our friends who
forsook us gradually being tired of maintaining any friendly communication with
such a disagreeable composition of ignorance and arrogance For my own part I
look upon him as utterly incorrigible and as fate hath subjected me to his
power endeavour to make the bitter draught go down by detaching myself as
much as possible from the supposition that there is any such existence upon
earth Indeed if I had not fatal experience of the contrary I should be apt to
believe that such a character is not to be found among the sons of men because
his conduct is altogether unaccountable by the known rules and maxims of life
and falls intirely under the poets observation when he says
Tis true no meaning puzzles more than wit
Her ladyship having thus concluded her story to the entertainment of the
company and the admiration of Peregrine who expressed his astonishment at the
variety of adventure she had undergone which was such as he thought sufficient
to destroy the most hardy and robust constitution and therefore infinitely more
than enough to overwhelm one of her delicate frame one of the gentlemen
present roundly taxed her with want of candour in suppressing some
circumstances of her life which he thought essential in the consideration of
her character
She reddened at this peremptory charge which had an evident effect upon the
countenances of the whole audience when the accuser proceeded to explain his
imputation by observing that in the course of her narration she had omitted
to mention a thousand acts of uncommon charity of which he himself knew her to
be guilty that she had concealed a great many advantageous proposals of
marriage which she might have accepted before she was engaged that she had
not spoke one word of her first husbands debts which to his certain
knowledge she had paid out of her own privy purse after her second marriage
and on that account received the thanks of lord Ws elder brother who though
he had undertaken to discharge them delayed the execution of his purpose longer
than she thought they should remain unpaid and that in relating her
inducements for leaving Mr S whether out of forgetfulness or from
tenderness to a lover once so dear to her he would not pretend to say she had
omitted a very cogent motive for her own conduct for as he had first courted
her favour in her rising fortune and left her in its decline she could not
avoid reflecting that after this precipitate reengagement when the first
transports of their meeting were over he would again act the same conduct as
soon as her tranquillity should be disturbed by the persecution of her lord
The company were agreeably undeceived by this explanation which her
ladyship acknowledged in very polite terms as a compliment equally genteel and
unexpected and our hero after having testified the sense he had of her
complaisance and condescension in regaling him with such a mark of her
confidence and esteem took his leave and went home in a state of confusion and
perplexity for from the circumstances of the tale he had heard he plainly
perceived that her ladyships heart was too delicate to receive such incense
as he in the capacity of an admirer could at present pay because though he
had in some measure abridged the empire of Emilia in his own breast it was not
in his power to restrain it so effectually but that it would interfere with any
other sovereign whom his thoughts should adopt and unless lady could
ingross his whole love time and attention he foresaw that it would be
impossible for him to support the passion which he might have the good fortune
to inspire He was moreover deterred from declaring his love by the fate of
her former admirers who seemed to have been wound up to a degree of enthusiasm
that looked more like the effect of inchantment than the inspiration of human
attractions an extasy of passion which he durst not venture to undergo
therefore resolved to combat with the impressions he had already received and
if possible cultivate her friendship without soliciting her affection but
before he could fix upon this determination he desired to know the predicament
in which he stood in her opinion and by the intelligence of Crabtree obtained
in the usual manner understood that her sentiments of him were very favourable
though without the least tincture of love He would have been transported with
joy had her thoughts of him been of a more tender texture though his reason
was better pleased with the information he received in consequence of which he
mustered up the ideas of his first passion and set them in opposition to those
of this new and dangerous attachment by which means he kept the balance in
equilibrio and his bosom tolerably quiet
Chapter LXXXIX
Peregrine amuses his Imagination by slight Incursions upon the Territory of
Vice and Folly reforms a backsliding Brother and sends a celebrated Sharper
into Exile
His heart being thus as it were suspended between two objects that lessened
the force of each others attraction he took this opportunity of enjoying some
respite and for the present detached his sentiments from both resolving to
indulge himself in the exercise of that practical satire which was so agreeable
and peculiar to his disposition In this laudable determination he was confirmed
by the repeated suggestions of his friend Cadwallader who taxed him with
letting his talents rust in indolence and stimulated his natural vivacity with
a succession of fresh discoveries in the world of scandal
Thus reinforced they took the field and performed various exploits to the
mortification astonishment and dismay of all those coxcombs whether male or
female fierce or feeble insolent or tame that hang like tatters on the skirts
of gallantry and bring the fashion into disgrace As I might trespass upon the
patience of the reader in giving a minute detail of each adventure of this kind
which they atchieved I shall content myself with relating two only to which
indeed all the rest bore some resemblance
Peregrines intelligencer who as we have already observed was a
privileged person in all parties happened one morning to breakfast with a sort
of a great man who with a large stock of timorous superstition and exterior
piety had at bottom a spice of carnality which all his religion could not
extinguish Among the rest of his dependants there was a certain favourite who
by the most assiduous attention to his humour in a course of artful flattery
and servile complaisance had insinuated himself so far into his confidence and
esteem that he now acted in the capacity of his counsellor and director both
in his spiritual and temporal concerns
This cunning parasite having discovered his patrons infirmity began to be
afraid that in the instigations of the flesh he might be tempted to employ
some other agent for the gratification of his appetite and foreseeing that any
minister of this kind would infallibly prove a dangerous rival to him in the
good graces of his master he resolved to anticipate the misfortune and with
his other offices monopolize the functions of a Mercury for which his talents
were perfectly well adapted But this was not the whole of his task he knew
there were certain qualms and scruples of conscience to be removed as well as
other motives of shyness and distrust which he durst not leave to the operation
of his friends own desires lest he should choose some other confident he
therefore observed the different seasons of his constitution and culled the
proper opportunities of expressing a relaxation in his sentiments of chastity
which being gratefully received he proceeded in the work of conversion already
half effected by his patrons own passions and in conclusion found a willing
dame to quench this fire that scorched his vitals He had overnight obtained her
consent and the particulars of their meeting were adjusted in presence of
Cadwallader who gave his associate to understand that with a view of keeping
the rendezvous secret and mysterious as well as of saving the lovers that
mutual confusion which the light must have produced the scene of their
interview was laid in a summerhouse that stood at the end of his garden to
which the lady and her conductor would be admitted in the dark through a
backdoor that should be left open for the purpose Peregrine being made
acquainted with these particulars together with the hour of assignation
ordered Pipes to purchase a live calf and carried it in a sack about the
twilight to the backgardendoor which our hero entered without hesitation
disposing himself and his attendants in a dark alcove immediately under the
summerhouse where without disengaging the animal from its covering he
besmeared its front with liquid phosphorus and directed Tom to unveil and
present it to the company at their approach while he himself absconded behind a
pillar from whence he could view the entertainment They had continued a whole
hour in this situation when they perceived by starlight three persons enter
the postern and advance towards the place where they lay upon which Pipes
began to disentangle his charge that he might be ready to play it off at the
proper time but as he was not very expert in this business the calf finding
itself disengaged from its confinement sprung all of a sudden out of his hands
and running directly forwards encountered those that approached and as it
passed them uttered a loud Baa
The gallant whose passions were exalted to a pitch of enthusiasm as
susceptible of religious horror as of love seeing such an apparition when he
was at the point of indulging a criminal appetite and hearing the dreadful cry
accompanied with the terrible word damnation which Pipes in his peculiar tone
exclaimed from the alcove when the animal made its escape he was seized with
consternation and remorse and falling upon his face lay in all the agonies of
terror believing himself warned by a particular message from above His trusty
squire who was not quite so visionary recollecting himself from the surprize
he had suffered at the first appearance of such a glaring phænomenon which had
also such an effect upon the lady that she ran out into the fields screaming
all the way I say he no sooner recovered the faculty of reflection which this
accident had for some minutes taken away than he observed his patrons
prostration and guessing the condition of his thoughts resolved to profit by
his sagacity He accordingly laid himself gently down upon the cold walk and
lay very quietly till the lover having in a faultring voice called thrice upon
his name without being favoured with an answer raised himself up and coming
to the spot shook him by the arm upon which he seemed to wake from his trance
and in a most penitent tone pronounced a very pious ejaculation which confirmed
the opinion of his principal who asked him with fear and trembling if he had
heard the voice and seen the light Being an excellent actor he replied with
all the marks of amazement that he was struck blind with a gush of light far
exceeding that of the sun at noon and his ears appalled with a voice like the
sound of many waters denouncing damnation to those who obey the lusts of the
flesh
The converted lover though he was not sensible of such extraordinary
circumstances of visitation implicitely believed every tittle of his account
imputing the difference of his own perception to the weakness of his organs
which were sooner disturbed than those of his purveyor He therefore proposed
that they should adjourn to the chamber which had been destined for the scene of
his transgression and with sorrow and contrition ask pardon of heaven for his
intended offence acknowledging at the same time the seasonable and salutary
interposition of providence This duty was accordingly performed after they had
searched in vain for the nymph who the squire seemed to think was conveyed by
some supernatural means from the garden for he said as he lay intranced upon
the ground he heard a rattling like the chariots of Aminadab and the shrieks
of the young woman gradually sinking in a distant cadence as if she had been
transported through the air
As this pair of penitents walked up stairs to the summerhouse the patron
in an extasy of faith pronounced »After this tremendous scene who can be so
incredulous so dead to all conviction as to doubt the miracle of the loaves
and fishes or the amazing circumstances that attended the conversion of St
Paul« While they were employed in the exercise of their devotion our hero and
his attendant retired by the backdoor which opened into the fields and while
Pipes went in pursuit of his calf which had taken shelter under the wall his
master proceeded forwards to the place from whence he had come where he had
agreed to meet Cadwallader and communicate the success of his enterprize with
which he was perfectly well pleased In crossing the field that lay betwixt him
and that part of the town for which he was bound he chanced to pass by a heap
of wood upon which he perceived a woman tolerably well dressed sitting and
holding a smellingbottle to her nose He immediately guessed her to be the lady
whom he had interrupted in her assignation and thinking it was incumbent upon
him to make some atonement for the injury he had done he accosted her with
great politeness and respect telling her he presumed from her being in such a
solitary place at such an hour that she had met with some misfortune and
that if she would put herself under his protection he would defend her from
any farther insult
His conjecture was right this was the individual inamorata who had fled
from the garden and who was so terrified at the vision the meaning of which
she could not comprehend that she found herself unable to proceed farther
homewards and sat down on a log of wood to enjoy a little pause of rest and
endeavour to recollect her dissipated spirits She had not yet got the better of
her apprehension which was rather increased by the darkness of the night and
the loneliness of the place so that she without scruple embraced the offer of
a person who behaved with such gentle address and as she was enervated by fear
he carefully supported her in walking with his arm round her waist encouraging
her all the way with assurances of safety and expressing his curiosity to know
the adventure in consequence of which she had occasion for assistance She
spoke very little during her passage through the field because notwithstanding
his professions and appearance he was still a stranger and therefore she could
not be altogether easy while she thought herself absolutely in his power but
when they entered the town and mingled with the concourse of people that pass
and repass through all the streets of this metropolis her diffidence intirely
vanished and her conversation became altogether unreserved
The remembrance of what had discomposed her so much in the garden now
afforded subject for her mirth and when her conductor still repeated his desire
of information she could not help laughing heartily at the circumstances which
his questions recalled Encouraged by this manifestation of good humour he
observed that as her spirits were exhausted by the fatigue and disquiet she had
undergone it would be impossible for her to walk much farther and beggd she
would step with him into the next tavern where they might send for an
hackneycoach or chair in which she would be conveyed to her own lodging After
much intreaty she consented to his proposal and he had the pleasure to see
that she was a very handsome young woman about the age of eighteen
The joy he felt at this discovery lightened in his eyes nor was she able to
conceal a certain alacrity and satisfaction that appeared in her countenance
when she obtained a distinct view of her protectors person In short she was
prevailed upon to drink a glass of wine and Peregrine presuming upon his
knowledge of her adventure began to make love with great vehemence At first
she pretended to take offence at his presumption but perceiving from certain
insinuations which he artfully droppd that he was better acquainted with her
character than she had imagined her shyness gradually wore off and they soon
came to a satisfactory explanation in the beginning of which he frankly
unravelled the whole mystery of the apparition a discovery which had almost
proved fatal to her from the violence of mirth it produced and she as candidly
disclosed her own private history She told him that her lovers honourable
agent had formerly lived in the house of her mother who being a poor widow
supported her family by letting lodgings that he had by the opportunities of
familiarity and friendship employed his arts upon her and actually debauched
this girl when she was no more than fifteen years of age that upon the
remonstrances of her mother who detected their correspondence by perceiving
she was with child he had quitted the house with an absolute refusal to
provide for her so that she was obliged to sue him for the maintenance of the
infant and reduced to the necessity of receiving gallants in private though
she had always managed her occupation in such a manner as to preserve her
character unsuspected in the neighbourhood and lastly that her first seducer
had lately renewed his correspondence by dint of presents and apologies and
procured her as a virgin for his patron who had promised to settle some small
provision upon her for life
Peregrine comforted her for her disappointment by reciting what he had
overheard of the conversation that passed in the garden after she made her
elopement from whence he inferred that her interest would suffer no prejudice
from that interruption because in all probability her intended lovers flesh
would soon get the better of the spirit again in spite of a thousand
apparitions in which case he would again have recourse to her compliance or
should his superstition prevail he would look upon himself as in duty and
conscience bound to enable her by a suitable settlement to withstand such
temptations for the future
She seemed to concur with his opinion and was perfectly satisfied with that
expectation while our hero was more and more engaged by her easy and agreeable
deportment Her conversation was that of a gay libertine who had a good share
of sense and imagination which with a natural vivacity she employed in
accommodating herself to the humour of her gallant but his ears were not
disgusted with the nauseous ribaldry and vulgar execrations which characterise
the discourse of those nymphs whose temporary endearments are solicited by the
distinguishing youth of this refined age In a word this accidental meeting was
productive of very agreeable consequences to both and an intimacy of
intercourse immediately commenced the result of which was her promising to
reserve her favours for him alone till farther notice and to enter into no
measures with the visionary but such as he should know and approve
Having passed the evening with this new acquaintance and informed himself
of the particulars necessary to be known for the support of the correspondence
they had established he favoured her with some marks of his bounty and
repaired to the lodgings of his friend Crabtree who was so much incensed at his
breach of punctuality that he ordered himself to be denied and when the young
gentleman forced his entrance into his chamber vi amp armis would not open
his mouth but assuming the most grim contraction of his countenance sat in
sullen silence till the circumstances of the adventure which his associate
knew how to relate to the greatest advantage gradually unbended his features to
an involuntary smile which soon dilated into an unrestrained laugh assuring
Peregrine of his forgiveness and approbation for though as I have already
observed this Misanthrope had gained an absolute ascendency over the muscles of
his face and when under the eye of the world could laugh inwardly without
betraying the least symptom of mirth this selfdenial was not exerted without
pains and therefore he in private indemnified himself for the trouble he was
at in preserving that inflexible gravity in public
Next day in the evening our adventurer visited his fair Phillis and
understood that she had a message from the new convert exhorting her to
repentance and reformation and promising to support her in her laudable
endeavours as soon as she should be disposed to begin the great work At the
same time his trusty messenger had talked of his patrons conversion in the
most ludicrous terms accounted for the apparition by affirming that it was no
other than a dog with a paperlanthorn hanging to his neck equipped in that
manner by some prentices for their diversion that he had been thrown over the
wall with a view to frighten the servants of the family and not liking his
quarters no sooner perceived the gardendoor opened than he naturally ran
towards it in order to make his escape He likewise frankly owned that he had
with a view to his own interest encouraged his lord and master in his
superstitious fears and even counselled him to execute in the course of his
penitence a plan which he had formerly laid of commencing author and
espousing in print the cause of miracles against the children of perverseness
and incredulity and in conclusion this faithful adviser had made strong love
on his own score proposing to maintain a correspondence with her for which she
would be amply recompenced by the bounty of his patron whom he undertook to
deceive with a feigned account of her repentance
The wench having an aversion to the character of this parasite whom she
had too great reason to know instead of embracing his proposal with
chearfulness and alacrity told him with an affected air of severity that
howsoever his heart might be hardened against the warnings of heaven she had
the internal comfort to find her own breast touched with a due sense of her
unworthiness and would by the blessing of providence imitate the salutary
example of his good friend to whom she intended to write an account of her
inward workings which she hoped were no other than the motions of the spirit
Mr Mercury hearing this unexpected declaration which was delivered with a
face of pious resolution immediately availed himself of that hypocrisy which
he possessed to such a consummate degree and after having protested with great
earnestness that what he had said was uttered with a view to try whether or
not she was intirely mortified to all the lusts of the flesh he applauded her
determination with the most lofty encomiums and admonished her to perseverance
in an enthusiastic harangue during which the tears actually gushed from his
eyes and his looks adopted a sort of wildness and extatic stare as if he had
been really transported
Though she saw through the disguise she seemed convinced of his sincerity
as a confirmation of which he gave her his purse and took his leave assuring
her that she should never want so long as she could retain grace enough to
persist in the happy work she had so righteously begun Peregrine approved of
her behaviour and having instructed her with regard to her future conduct
returned to his auxiliary and intelligencer with whom he concerted another
stratagem to be practised upon a certain shegamester of fashion and a French
adventurer who under the title of count supported with invincible effrontery
and a large stock of finesse had found means to introduce himself among the
quality from many of whom he had extracted large sums of money at play Among
those whom he laid under contribution was this lady who with all the
inclination of a rank sharper had fallen a sacrifice to his superior talents
and become his debtor for five hundred pounds which she could not pay without
the assistance of her husband whom she did not think proper to inform of the
loss She had for some days evaded the demands of her creditor by divers
specious pretences which however were soon exhausted and he grew so
disagreeably importunate as to threaten an application to her lord if she
would not discharge the debt immediately
The lady being a latitudinarian in her principles and reduced to great
perplexity by these menaces could think of no other expedient to extricate
herself than that of practising upon the foreigners heart which she
accordingly assailed with all the arts of coquetry reinforced by a very
agreeable person to which she had been often indebted for sundry fortunate
events Nevertheless in all probability she would have found the count
impregnable had not he at this crisis luckily met with such a flow of
success as elevated his fancy and opened his heart to amorous impressions In
this state of exultation did he first perceive or at least acknowledge the
attractions of his debtor to whom he in a billet declared his passion and
frankly proposed the alternative which it was her sole aim to procure
After the necessary scruples of decent reluctance the affair was
compromised in the hearing of Cadwallader who reported to his associate that
she had given the count an assignation at the house of a discreet matron who
under the denomination of a milliner kept commodious apartments for interviews
of this kind
Peregrine who was not unknown to this priestess of love no sooner received
this intelligence than he went and bespoke one of her chambers contiguous to
that which the foreigner had chosen for his accommodation and some time before
the hour of their appointment took possession of it accompanied by Crabtree
whom he had dressed in womans apparel because the Misanthrope would not run
the risque of being observed in propria persona
The lovers true to their contract met precisely at the hour the lady
having disguised herself in an ordinary dishabille with a capuchin the hood of
which effectually concealed her countenance and the door of their apartment
being shut the count found himself on the brink of enjoying his good fortune
when all of a sudden Peregrine placing himself at the door pronounced aloud
in the very voice and manner of her lord whom he personally knew »Stand firm
upon your post Mr Constable and take care that none shall pass while I break
open the door and make sure of the delinquent for now I think her ladyship is
fairly caught«
This exclamation produced an instantaneous effect in the chamber the count
terrified at the prospect of immediate death or prosecution ran directly to the
window and throwing up the sash would have made his exit into the street
without ceremony but my lady who never doubted that her husband was at the
door had recourse to that presence of mind which never forsook her upon such
occasions and seizing her gallant by the collar exalted her voice crying
»Rape Murder Rape Ah villain do you attempt my virtue Are these the laces
you invited me to come and see Ah you beastly monster Help good people
help«
The noise of these outcries in consequence of which Pickle immediately
retreated to his den alarmed the whole family The landlady whose reputation
was at stake ran up stairs accompanied by two chairmen who waited for my lady
below and the door being burst open by her directions they found her ladyship
in a violent agitation holding fast by the count who stood without his
perriwig shaking from head to foot in all the agony of horror and dismay My
lady finding herself delivered from the attempts of this ravisher sunk down
upon the couch in a swoon and while the matron of the house administered to her
nostrils the chairmen secured the poor gallant whose faculties were actually
suppressed by the extasy of his fear
The lady having a little recollected her spirits and looking around
without perceiving her husband concluded that he was satisfied of her
innocence by the artifice of her behaviour and omitted to shew himself that
she might not be shocked at his appearance On this supposition she renewed her
clamour against the count whom she reviled with the epithets of perfidious
wretch and abominable ruffian and expressed her doubts about the honesty of
the house to which she said he had decoyed her on pretence of shewing some
laces of a new pattern that the milliner had received from abroad
The landlady was no stranger to her person or character and therefore had
never doubted the truth of the counts information when he made her privy to
the nature of this interview but her ladyships present behaviour the true
cause of which she did not know intirely altered her opinion and she now
believed that the count intended to have made her house the scene of a rape in
good earnest This suggestion divested her of all regard for her customer
against whom she exclaimed with great virulence as a person who had endeavoured
to intail the curse of infamy upon her house and assured the plaintiff that he
had hired the apartment for a young lady whom he pretended to have privately
espoused without the consent of her parents from whose inquiries he had
reasons to conceal the place of her abode
The rueful foreigner baited with their joint invectives and more than half
distracted with the terrors of an English jury never dreamd of attempting to
vindicate himself from the imputation he had incurred because he imagined the
whole affair was the result of a conspiracy against his life and fortune but
falling upon his knees before his accuser in the most suppliant manner
implored her pardon which he offered to acknowledge by a present of a thousand
pounds Had these terms been seasonably proposed matters would soon have been
brought to an accommodation but she could not decently enter into a treaty with
him in presence of such witnesses and besides she believed herself still
under the inspection of her husband She therefore rejected his proffer with
disdain observing that his guilt was of such a nature as to preclude all
hopes of forgiveness and ordered the chairmen to take charge of his person
until he should be taken into custody by an officer properly authorized
Having given these directions at which the poor prisoner wrung his hands in
horror and despair she withdrew with the matron into another room in
expectation of being visited by her husband and after having waited some time
with manifest impatience could not forbear asking if there were any other
lodgers in the house when the landlady replied in the negative she began to
sift her with a variety of questions in the course of which she learnd that
not a soul had entered the house after her own arrival and then conjectured
that the voice she had mistaken for her husbands must have been part of a
conversation that passed in the next house from which she was separated by a
thin partywall
This discovery mortified her in one respect and pleased her in another she
was chagrined at the disagreeable interruption because it laid her under the
necessity of exposing her character to the inquiries of those whom her cries had
brought to her assistance though she was at the same time very well satisfied
to find that her lord was ignorant of the adventure and that it was now in her
power to be revenged upon the count for the severity of his behaviour when he
acted in the capacity of her creditor She therefore resolved to extort a sum of
money from him by way of composition and under pretence of hushing up an
affair which might otherwise give scandal an opportunity to be free with her
reputation signified to her hostess a desire of seeing matters compromised
The prudent milliner applauded her moderation by which she foresaw that her
own character would escape censure and being favoured with her ladyships
confidence went out immediately in order to communicate her proposals to the
prisoner but while these deliberations were upon the carpet he had employed
his rhetoric so successfully upon his guard that they were prevailed upon to
set him at liberty and make their own retreat at the same time So that her
ladyships scheme proved abortive and she was fain to retire to her own house
meditating further vengeance upon the fugitive who did not think proper to
stand the brunt of her indignation but decamped that night for his native
country in which he happily secured his retreat fully persuaded that his ruin
had been planned by a powerful confederacy in England of which my lady was the
chief instrument
Mean while our young gentleman and his tutor enjoyed the consternation and
perplexity which they had produced as an wholesome chastisement bestowed upon a
profligate virago lost to all sense of oeconomy and decorum and a just
punishment inflicted upon an infamous adventurer who not only pillaged but
also disgraced the company by whom he was caressed It was in consequence of
this adventure that Peregrine conceived a very ludicrous project the execution
of which furnished entertainment and admiration to all the fashionable people in
town The appearance of Cadwallader in a female dress was so uncouth and
preternatural that the good milliner who chanced to be favoured with a glimpse
of him as he went up stairs with his supposed gallant was not only astonished
but affrighted at the peculiarity of his countenance and notwithstanding her
welltried discretion which had never permitted her curiosity to exceed the
bounds of complaisance she could not forbear calling her son Pickle into
another room after her ladyships retreat and asking with manifest marks of
confusion and disquiet if the person whom he had brought into her house was
really and bona fide a woman and a christian at the same time expressing her
suspicion from the disposition of his companions wrinkles and the bristles
that appeared upon her chin that she was no better than a witch or a conjurer
whom he had employed to embroil and expose her customers by the art of sorcery
for which she prayed God would forgive him »Certain I am said she the count
and my lady went into the chamber with the disposition of two lambs and in the
twinkling of an eye Lord have mercy upon us there was nothing to be heard
but discord and desperation Ah Mr Pickle Mr Pickle it was for no
charitable end that you was so anxious to occupy the next room I thought there
was something unnatural in the case when I saw you lead up that old beldame
with the beard You have ruined the reputation of my house Mr Pickle My good
friends the countess of Peppermarsh lady Tickletoe and Mrs Riggle will
never enter my doors again I shall be deprived of getting an honest livelihood
and all by the cruelty of one that I loved as well as if I had been the mother
that bore him O that ever I was born to see this unlucky day« These words she
accompanied with sundry sobs and a few extempore tears the nature of which he
perfectly understood and therefore prescribed a cordial which in a moment set
her heart at ease
Chapter XC
He persuades Cadwallader to assume the Character of a Magician in which he
acquires a great Share of Reputation by his Responses to three Females of
Distinction who severally consult the Researches of his Art
Her suspicion of his associate while it afforded him subject for mirth struck
his imagination with an idea which he could not help indulging and when he
communicated the conceit to Cadwallader it in a moment acquired his
approbation This notion he imparted in a proposal to subject the town to their
ridicule by giving responses in the character of a professed conjurer to be
personated by the old Misanthrope whose aspect was extremely well calculated
for the purpose The plan was immediately adjusted in all its parts an
apartment hired in an house accommodated with a public stair so that people
might have free ingress and egress without being exposed to observation and
this tenement being furnished with the apparatus of a magician such as globes
telescopes a magic lanthorn a skeleton a dried monkey together with the
skins of an alligator otter and snake the conjurer himself took possession of
his castle after having distributed printed advertisements containing the
particulars of his undertaking
These bills soon operated according to the wish of the projectors As the
price of the oracle was fixed at half a guinea the public naturally concluded
that the author was no common fortuneteller and the very next day Peregrine
found some ladies of his qualityacquaintance infected with the desire of
making an experiment upon the skill of this new conjurer who pretended to be
just arrived from the Moguls empire where he had learned the art from a
Brachman philosopher Our young gentleman affected to talk of the pretensions of
this sage with ridicule and contempt and with seeming reluctance undertook to
attend them to his apartment observing that it would be a very easy matter to
detect the fellows ignorance and no more than common justice to chastise him
for his presumption Though he could easily perceive a great fund of credulity
in the company they affected to espouse his opinion and under the notion of a
frolic agreed that one particular lady should endeavour to baffle his art by
appearing before him in the dress of her woman who should at the same time
personate her mistress and be treated as such by our adventurer who promised
to squire them to the place These measures being concerted and the appointment
fixed for the next audienceday Peregrine furnished his friend with the
necessary information and when the hour of assignation arrived conducted his
charge to this oraculous seer
They were admitted by our heros valet de chambre whose visage being
naturally meagre and swarthy was adorned with artificial whiskers so that he
became the Persian dress which he wore and seemed a very proper master of the
ceremonies to an oriental Necromancer Having crossed his arms upon his breast
with an inclination of the head he stalked in solemn silence before them into
the Penetralia of the temple where they found the conjurer sitting at a table
provided with pen ink and paper divers books and mathematical instruments and
a long white wand lying across the whole He was habited in a black gown and
furcap and his countenance over and above a double proportion of philosophic
gravity which he had assumed for the occasion was improved by a thick beard
white as snow that reached to his middle and upon each shoulder sat a
prodigious large black cat which had been tutored for the purpose
Such a figure which would have startled Peregrine himself had not he been
concerned in the mystery could not fail to make an impression upon those whom
he accompanied The fictitious chambermaid in spite of all her natural pertness
and vivacity changed colour when she entered the room and the pretended lady
whose intellects were not quite so enlightened began to tremble in every joint
and ejaculate petitions to heaven for her safety Their conductor advancing to
the table presented his offering and pointing to the suivante told him that
lady desired to know what would be her destiny in point of marriage The
philosopher without lifting up his eyes to view the person in whose behalf he
was consulted turned his ear to one of the sable familiars that purred upon his
shoulder and taking up the pen wrote upon a detached slip of paper these
words which Peregrine at the desire of the ladies repeated aloud »Her
destiny will in a great measure depend upon what happened to her about nine
oclock in the morning on the third day of last December«
This sentence was no sooner pronounced than the counterfeit lady uttered a
fearful scream and ran out into the antichamber exclaiming »Christ have mercy
upon us Sure he is the devil incarnate« Her mistress who followed her with
great consternation insisted upon knowing the transaction to which the response
alluded and Mrs Abigail after some recollection gave her to understand that
she had an admirer who on the very hour and day mentioned by the cunning man
had addressed himself to her in a serious proposal of marriage This
explanation however was more ingenious than candid for the admirer was no
other than the identical Mr Pickle himself who was a meer dragon among the
chambermaids and in his previous information communicated to his associate
had given an account of this assignation with which he had been favoured by the
damsel in question
Our hero seeing his company very much affected with this circumstance of the
wizzards art which had almost frighted both mistress and maid into hysteric
fits pretended to laugh them out of their fears by observing that there was
nothing extraordinary in this instance of his knowledge which might have been
acquired by some of those secret emissaries whom such impostors are obliged to
employ for intelligence or imparted by the lover himself who had perhaps
come to consult him about the success of his amour Encouraged by this
observation or rather prompted by an insatiable curiosity which was proof
against all sort of apprehension the disguised lady returned to the magicians
own apartment and assuming the air of a pert chambermaid »Mr Conjurer said
she now you have satisfied my mistress will you be so good as to tell me if
ever I shall be married« The sage without the least hesitation favoured her
with an answer in the following words »You cannot be married before you are a
widow and whether or not that will ever be the case is a question which my art
cannot resolve because my foreknowledge exceeds not the term of thirty years«
This reply which at once cut her off from the pleasing prospect of seeing
herself independent in the enjoyment of youth and fortune in a moment clouded
her aspect all her good humour was overcast and she went away without further
inquiry muttering in the rancour of her chagrin that he was a silly
impertinent fellow and a meer quack in his profession Notwithstanding the
prejudice of this resentment her conviction soon recurred and when the report
of his answers was made to those confederates by whom she had been deputed to
make trial of his skill they were universally persuaded that his art was
altogether supernatural tho each affected to treat it with contempt
resolving in her own breast to have recourse to him in private
In the mean time the maid tho laid under the most peremptory injunctions
of secrecy was so full of the circumstance which related to her own conduct
that she extolled his prescience in whispers to all her acquaintance assuring
them that he had told her all the particulars of her life so that his fame was
almost instantaneously conveyed thro a thousand different channels to all
parts of the town and the very next time he assumed the chair his doors were
besieged by curious people of all sects and denominations
Being an old practitioner in this art Cadwallader knew it would be
impossible for him to support his reputation in the promiscuous exercise of
fortunetelling because every person that should come to consult him would
expect a sample of his skill relating to things past and it could not be
supposed that he was acquainted with the private concerns of every individual
who might apply to him for that purpose he therefore ordered his minister whom
he distinguished by the name of Hadgi Rourk to signify to all those who
demanded entrance that his price was half a guinea and that all such as were
not disposed to gratify him with that consideration would do well to leave the
passage free for the rest
This declaration succeeded to his wish for this congregation consisted
chiefly of footmen chambermaids prentices and the lower class of tradesmen
who could not afford to purchase prescience at such a price so that after
fruitless offers of shillings and half crowns they dropped off one by one and
left the field open for customers of an higher rank
The first person of this species who appeared was dressed like the wife of a
substantial tradesman but this disguise could not screen her from the
penetration of the conjurer who at first sight knew her to be one of the ladies
of whose coming he had been apprized by Peregrine on the supposition that their
curiosity was rather inflamed than allayed by the intelligence they had received
from his first client This lady approached the philosopher with that
intrepidity of countenance so conspicuous in matrons of her dignified sphere
and in a soft voice asked with a simper of what complexion her next child
would be The necromancer who was perfectly well acquainted with her private
history forthwith delivered his response in the following question written in
the usual form »How long has Pompey the black been dismissed from your
ladyships service«
Endued as she was with a great share of that fortitude which is
distinguished by the appellation of effrontery her face exhibited some signs of
shame and confusion at the receit of this oracular interrogation by which she
was convinced of his extraordinary intelligence and accosting him in a very
serious tone »Doctor said she I perceive you are a person of great abilities
in the art you profess and therefore without pretending to dissemble I will
own you have touched the true string of my apprehensions I am persuaded I need
not be more particular in my inquiries Here is a purse of money take it and
deliver me from a most alarming and uneasy suspence« So saying she deposited
her offering upon the table and waited for his answer with a face of fearful
expectation while he was employed in writing this sentence for her perusal
»Tho I see into the womb of time the prospect is not perfectly distinct the
seeds of future events lie mingled and confused so that I am under the
necessity of assisting my divination in some cases by analogy and human
intelligence and cannot possibly satisfy your present doubts unless you will
condescend to make me privy to all those occurrences which you think might have
interfered with the cause of your apprehension«
The lady having read the declaration affected a small emotion of shyness
and repugnance and seating herself upon a settee after having cautiously
informed herself of the privacy of the apartment gave such a detail of the
succession of her lovers as amazed while it entertained the necromancer as
well as his friend Pickle who from a closet in which he had concealed himself
overheard every syllable of her confession Cadwallader listened to her story
with a look of infinite importance and sagacity and after a short pause told
her that he would not pretend to give a categorical answer until he should
have deliberated maturely upon the various circumstances of the affair but if
she would take the trouble of honouring him with another visit on his next
public day he hoped he should be able to give her full satisfaction Conscious
of the importance of her doubts she could not help commending his caution and
took her leave with a promise of returning at the appointed time then the
conjurer being joined by his associate they gave a loose to their mirth which
having indulged they began to concert measures for inflicting some disgraceful
punishment on the shameless and insatiate termagant who had so impudently avowed
her own prostitution
They were interrupted however in their conference by the arrival of a new
guest who being announced by Hadgi our hero retreated to his lurkingplace
and Cadwallader resumed his mysterious appearance This new client tho she hid
her face in a mask could not conceal herself from the knowledge of the
conjurer who by her voice recognized her to be an unmarried lady of his own
acquaintance She had within a small compass of time made herself remarkable
for two adventures which had not at all succeeded to her expectation being
very much addicted to play she had at a certain route indulged that passion
to such excess as not only got the better of her justice but also of her
circumspection so that she was unfortunately detected in her endeavours to
appropriate to herself what was not lawfully her due This small slip was
attended with another indiscretion which had likewise an unlucky effect upon
her reputation She had been favoured with the addresses of one of those hopeful
heirs who swarm and swagger about town under the denomination of Bucks and in
the confidence of his honour consented to be one of a partie that made an
excursion as far as Windsor thinking herself secured from scandal by the
company of another young lady who had also condescended to trust her person to
the protection of her admirer The two gallants in the course of this
expedition were said to use the most perfidious means to intoxicate the
passions of their mistresses by mixing drugs with their wine which inflamed
their constitutions to such a degree that they fell an easy sacrifice to the
appetites of their conductors who upon their return to town were so base and
inhuman as to boast among their companions of the exploit they had atchieved
Thus the story was circulated with a thousand additional circumstances to the
prejudice of the sufferers one of whom had thought proper to withdraw into the
country until the scandal raised at her expence should subside while the
other who was not so easily put out of countenance resolved to outface the
report as a treacherous aspersion invented by her lover as an excuse for his
own inconstancy and actually appeared in public as usual till she found
herself neglected by the greatest part of her acquaintance
In consequence of this disgrace which she knew not whether to impute to the
card affair or to the last faux pas she had committed she now came to consult
the conjurer and signified her errand by asking whether the cause of her
present disquiet was of the town or country Cadwallader at once perceiving her
allusion answered her question in these terms »This honest world will forgive
a young gamester for indiscretion at play but a favour granted to a blabbing
coxcomb is an unpardonable offence« This response she received with equal
astonishment and chagrin and fully convinced of the necromancers omniscience
implored his advice touching the retrieval of her reputation upon which he
counselled her to wed with the first opportunity and she seemed so well pleased
with his admonition that she gratified him with a double fee and dropping a
low curtsy retired
Our undertakers now thought it high time to silence the oracle for the day
and Hadgi was accordingly ordered to exclude all comers while Peregrine and his
friend renewed the deliberations which had been interrupted and settled a plan
of operations for the next occasion mean while it was resolved that Hadgi
should not only exercise his own talents but also employ inferior agents in
procuring general intelligence for the support of their scheme that the expence
of this ministry should be defrayed from the profits of their profession and
the remainder be distributed to poor families in distress
Chapter XCI
Peregrine and his Friend Cadwallader proceed in the Exercise of the Mystery of
Fortunetelling in the course of which they atchieve various Adventures
These preliminaries being adjusted our hero forthwith repaired to a card
assembly which was frequented by some of the most notable gossips in town and
having artfully turned the conversation upon the subject of the fortuneteller
whose talents he pretended to ridicule incensed their itch of knowing secrets
to such a degree of impatience that their curiosity became flagrant and he
took it for granted that all or some of them would visit Albumazar on his very
first visitingday While Peregrine was thus engaged his associate made his
appearance in another convocation of fashionable people where he soon had the
pleasure of hearing the conjurer brought upon the carpet by an elderly
gentlewoman remarkable for her inquisitive disposition who addressing herself
to Cadwallader asked by the help of the fingeralphabet if he knew any thing
of the magician that made such a noise in town The Misanthrope answered as
usual in a surly tone »By your question you must either take me for a pimp or
an ideot What in the name of nonsense should I know of such a rascal unless
I were to court his acquaintance with a view to feast my own spleen in seeing
him fool the whole nation out of their money Tho I suppose his chief profits
arise from his practice in quality of pander All fortunetellers are bawds
and for that reason are so much followed by people of fashion This fellow I
warrant has got sundry convenient apartments for the benefit of procreation
for it is not to be supposed that those who visit him on the pretence of
consulting his supernatural art can be such fools such drivelers as to
believe that he can actually prognosticate future events«
The company according to his expectation imputed his remarks to the
rancour of his disposition which could not bear to think that any person upon
earth was wiser than himself and his ears were regaled with a thousand
instances of the conjurers wonderful prescience for which he was altogether
indebted to fiction Some of these specimens being communicated to him by way
of appeal to his opinion »They are said he meer phantoms of ignorance and
credulity swelled up in the repetition like those unsubstantial bubbles which
the boys blow up in soapsuds with a tobacco pipe And this will ever be the
case in the propagation of all extraordinary intelligence the imagination
naturally magnifies every object that falls under its cognizance especially
those that concern the passions of fear and admiration and when the occurrence
comes to be rehearsed the vanity of the relater exaggerates every circumstance
in order to inhance the importance of the communication Thus an incident which
is but barely uncommon often gains such accession in its progress thro the
fancies and mouths of those who represent it that the original fact cannot
possibly be distinguished This observation might be proved and illustrated by a
thousand undeniable examples out of which I shall only select one instance for
the entertainment and edification of the company A very honest gentleman
remarkable for the gravity of his deportment was one day in a certain
coffeehouse accosted by one of his particular friends who taking him by the
hand expressed uncommon satisfaction in seeing him abroad and in good health
after the dangerous and portentous malady he had undergone Surprised at this
salutation the gentleman replied it was true he had been a little out of
order overnight but there was nothing at all extraordinary in his
indisposition Jesu not extraordinary cried the other when you vomited three
black crows This strange exclamation the grave gentleman at first mistook for
raillery tho his friend was no joker but perceiving in him all the marks of
sincerity and astonishment he suddenly changed his opinion and after a short
reverie taking him aside expressed himself in these words Sir it is not
unknown to you that I am at present engaged in a treaty of marriage which
would have been settled long ago had not it been retarded by the repeated
machinations of a certain person who professes himself my rival Now I am fully
persuaded that this affair of the three crows is a story of his invention
calculated to prejudice me in the opinion of the lady who to be sure would
not choose to marry a man who has a rookery in his bowels and therefore I must
insist upon knowing your author of this scandalous report that I may be able to
vindicate my character from the malicious aspersion His friend who thought the
demand was very reasonable told him without hesitation that he was made
acquainted with the circumstance of his distemper by Mr Suchaone their
common acquaintance upon which the person who conceived himself injured went
immediately in quest of his supposed defamer and having found him Pray Sir
said he with a peremptory tone who told you that I vomited three black crows
Three answered the gentleman I mentioned two only Zounds Sir cried the
other incensed at his indifference you will find the two too many if you
refuse to discover the villainous source of such calumny The gentleman
surprised at his heat said he was sorry to find he had been the accidental
instrument of giving him offence but translated the blame if any there was
from himself to a third person to whose information he owed his knowledge of
the report The plaintiff according to the direction he received repaired to
the house of the accused and his indignation being inflamed at finding the
story had already circulated among his acquaintance he told him with evident
marks of displeasure that he was come to pluck that same brace of crows which
he knew he had disgorged The defendant seeing him very much irritated
positively denied that he had mentioned a brace One indeed said he I own I
took notice of upon the authority of your own physician who gave me an account
of it this morning By the Lord cried the sufferer in a rage which he could no
longer contain that rascal has been suborned by my rival to slander my
character in this manner but Ill be revenged if there be either law or equity
in England He had scarce pronounced these words when the doctor happened to
enter the room when his exasperated patient lifting up his cane Sirrah said
he if I live Ill make that black crow the blackest circumstance of thy whole
life and conversation The physician confounded at this address assured him
that he was utterly ignorant of his meaning and when the other gentleman
explained it absolutely denied the charge affirming he had said no more than
that he had vomited a quantity of something as black as a crow The landlord of
the house acknowledged that he might have been mistaken and thus the whole
mystery was explained«
The company seemed to relish the story of the three black crows which they
considered as an impromptu of Cadwalladers own invention but granting it to
be true they unanimously declared that it could have no weight in invalidating
the testimony of divers persons of honour who had been witnesses of the
magicians supernatural skill On the next day of consultation the necromancer
being in the chair and his friend behind the curtain the outward door was
scarce opened when a female visitant flounced in and discovered to the
magician the features of one of those inquisitive ladies whose curiosity he
knew his confederate had aroused in the manner above described She addressed
herself to him with a familiar air observing that she had heard much of his
great knowledge and was come to be a witness of his art which she desired him
to display in declaring what he knew to be her ruling passion
Cadwallader who was no stranger to her disposition assumed the pen without
hesitation and furnished her with an answer importing that the love of money
predominated and scandal possessed the next place in her heart Far from being
offended at his freedom she commended his frankness with a smile and
satisfied of his uncommon talents expressed a desire of being better acquainted
with his person nay she began to catechise him upon the private history of
divers great families in which he happened to be well versed and he in a
mysterious manner dropt such artful hints of his knowledge that she was amazed
at his capacity and actually asked if his art was communicable The conjurer
replied in the affirmative but at the same time gave her to understand that
it was attainable by those only who were pure and undefiled in point of chastity
and honour or such as by a long course of penitence had weaned themselves
from all attachments to the flesh She not only disapproved but seemed to doubt
the truth of this assertion telling him with a look of disdain that his art
was not worth having if one could not use it for the benefit of ones pleasure
she had even penetration enough to take notice of an inconsistency in what he
had advanced and asked why he himself exercised his knowledge for hire if he
was so much detached from all worldly concerns »Come come doctor added she
you are in the right to be cautious against impertinent curiosity but perhaps
I may make it worth your while to be communicative«
These overtures were interrupted by a rap at the door signifying the
approach of another client upon which the lady inquired for his private
passage thro which she might retire without the risque of being seen and
when she understood he was deficient in that convenience she withdrew into an
empty room adjoining to the audiencechamber in order to conceal herself from
the observation of the newcomer This was no other than the inamorata who came
by appointment to receive the solution of her doubts and the Misanthrope glad
of an opportunity to expose her to the censure of such an indefatigable minister
of fame as the person who he knew would listen from the next apartment laid
her under the necessity of refreshing his remembrance with a recapitulation of
her former confession which was almost finished when she was alarmed by a
noise at the door occasioned by two gentlemen who attempted to enter by force
Terrified at this uproar which disconcerted the magician himself she ran
for shelter into the place which was preoccupied by the other lady who
hearing this disturbance had closed the windowshutters that she might have
the better chance of remaining unknown Here they ensconced themselves in the
utmost consternation while the necromancer after some recollection ordered
Hadgi to open the door and admit the rioters who he hoped would be overawed
by the authority of his appearance The janitor had no sooner obeyed his
instructions than in rushed a young libertine who had been for some time upon
the town together with his tutor who was a wornout debauchee well known to
the magician They were both in that degree of intoxication necessary to prepare
such dispositions for what they commonly call frolicks and the sober part of
mankind feel to be extravagant outrages against the laws of their country and
the peace of their fellowsubjects Having staggered up to the table the
senior who undertook to be spokesman saluted Cadwallader with »How dost do
old Capricorn Thou seemst to be a most venerable pimp and I doubt not has
abundance of discretion Here is this young whoremaster a true chip of the old
venereal block his father and myself come for a comfortable cast of thy
function I dont mean that stale pretence of conjuring damn futurity let us
live for the present old Haly Conjure me up a couple of hale wenches and I
warrant we shall get into the magic circle in a twinkling What says Galileo
What says the reverend Brahe Here is a purse you pimp hark how it chinks
This is sweeter than the musick of the spheres«
Our necromancer perplexed at this rencounter made no reply but taking up
his wand waved it around his head in a very mysterious motion with a view of
intimidating these forward visitants who far from being awed by this sort of
evolution became more and more obstreperous and even threatened to pull him by
the beard if he would not immediately comply with their desire Had he called
his associate or even Hadgi to his aid he knew he could have soon calmed
their turbulence but being unwilling to run the risque of a discovery or even
of a riot he bethought himself of chastising their insolence in another manner
that would be less hazardous and rather more effectual In consequence of this
suggestion he pointed his wand towards the door of the apartment in which the
ladies had taken sanctuary and the two rakes understanding the hint rushed in
without hesitation
The females finding their place of retreat taken by assault ran about the
room in great consternation and were immediately taken prisoners by the
assailants who pulling them towards the windows opened the shutters at the
same instant of time when strange to tell one of the heroes discovered in
the prize he had made the very wife of his bosom and his companion perceived
that he had stumbled in the dark upon his own mother Their mutual astonishment
was unspeakable at this eclaircissement which produced an universal silence for
the space of several minutes and during this pause the ladies having
recollected themselves an expostulation was begun by the elder of the two who
roundly took her son to task for his disorderly life which laid her under the
disagreeable necessity of watching his motions and detecting him in such an
infamous place
While the careful mother thus exercised her talent for reprehension the
hopeful young gentleman with an hand in each fob stood whistling an
operatune without seeming to pay the most profound regard to his parents
reproof and the other lady in imitation of such a consummate pattern began to
open upon her husband whom she bitterly reproached with his looseness and
intemperance demanding to know what he had to alledge in alleviation of his
present misconduct The surprize occasioned by such an unexpected meeting had
already in a great measure destroyed the effects of the wine he had so
plentifully drank and the first use he made of his recovered sobriety was to
revolve within himself the motives that could possibly induce his wife to give
him the rendezvous in this manner As he had good reason to believe she was
utterly void of jealousy he naturally placed this rencontre to the account of
another passion and his chagrin was not at all impaired by the effrontery with
which she now presumed to reprimand him He listened to her therefore with a
grave or rather grim aspect and to the question with which she concluded her
rebuke answered with great composure »All that I have to alledge madam is
that the bawd has committed a mistake in consequence of which we are both
disappointed and so ladies your humble servant« So saying he retired with
manifest confusion in his looks and as he passed through the audiencechamber
eying the conjurer askance pronounced the epithet of precious rascal with
great emphasis Mean while the junior like a dutiful child handed his mamma
to her chair and the other client after having reviled the necromancer
because he could not foresee this event went away in a state of mortification
The coast being clear Peregrine came forth from his den and congratulated
his friend upon the peaceable issue of the adventure which he had overheard
but that he might not be exposed to such inconvenience for the future they
resolved that a grate should be fixed in the middle of the outward door
through which the conjurer himself should reconnoitre all the visitants before
their admission so that to those whose appearance he should not like Hadgi
should without opening give notice that his master was engaged By this
expedient too they provided against those difficulties which Cadwallader must
have encountered in giving satisfaction to strangers whom he did not know for
the original intention of the founders was to confine the practice of their art
to people of fashion only most of whom were personally known to the counterfeit
magician and his coadjutor
Indeed these associates Cadwallader in particular notwithstanding his
boasted insight into the characters of life never imagined that his pretended
skill would be consulted by any but the weakerminded of the female sex incited
by that spirit of curiosity which he knew was implanted in their nature but in
the course of his practice he found himself cultivated in his preternatural
capacity by people of all sexes complexions and degrees of reputation and
had occasion to observe that when the passions are concerned howsoever cool
cautious and deliberate the disposition may otherwise be there is nothing so
idle frivolous or absurd to which they will not apply for encouragement and
gratification The last occurrence according to the hopes and expectation of
the confederates was whispered about by the ladies concerned in such a manner
that the whole affair was in a few days the universal topic of discourse in
which it was retailed with numberless embellishments invented by the parties
themselves who had long indulged a pique at each other and took this
opportunity of enjoying their revenge
These incidents while they regaled the spleen at the same time augmented
the renown of the conjurer who was described on both sides as a very
extraordinary person in his way and the alteration in his door was no sooner
performed than he had occasion to avail himself of it against the intrusion of
a great many with whom he would have found it very difficult to support the
fame he had acquired
Among those who appeared at his grate he perceived a certain clergyman
whom he had long known an humble attendant on the great and with some the
reputed minister of their pleasures This Levite had disguised himself in a
great coat boots and dress quite foreign to the habit worn by those of his
function and being admitted attempted to impose himself as a country squire
upon the conjurer who calling him by his name desired him to sit down This
reception corresponding with the report he had heard touching our magicians
art the doctor said he would lay aside all dissimulation and after having
professed an implicit belief that his supernatural knowledge did not proceed
from any communication with evil spirits but was the immediate gift of heaven
he declared the intention of his coming was to inquire into the health of a good
friend and brother of his who possessed a certain living in the country which
he named and as he was old and infirm to know what space of time was allotted
to him in this frail state of mortality that he might have the melancholy
satisfaction of attending him in his last moments and assisting him in his
preparations for eternity
The conjurer who at once perceived the purport of this question after a
solemn pause during which he seemed absorpt in contemplation delivered this
response to his consulter »Tho I foresee some occurrences I do not pretend to
be omniscient I know not to what age that clergymans life will extend but so
far I can penetrate into the womb of time as to discern that the incumbent
will survive his intended successor« This dreadful sentence in a moment
banished the blood from the face of the appalled consulter who hearing his own
doom pronounced began to tremble in every joint he lifted up his eyes in the
agony of fear and saying »The will of God be done« withdrew in silent
despondence his teeth chattering with terror and dismay
This client was succeeded by an old man about the age of seventyfive who
being resolved to purchase a lease desired to be determined in the term of
years by the necromancers advice observing that as he had no children of his
own body and had no regard for his heirs at law the purchase would be made
with a view to his own convenience only and therefore considering his age he
himself hesitated in the period of the lease between thirty and threescore
years
The conjurer upon due deliberation advised him to double the last
specified term because he distinguished in his features something portending
extreme old age and second childhood and he ought to provide for that state of
incapacity which otherwise would be attended with infinite misery and
affliction The superannuated wretch thunderstruck with this prediction held
up his hands and in the first transports of his apprehension exclaimed »Lord
have mercy upon me I have not wherewithal to purchase such a long lease and I
have long outlived all my friends what then must become of me sinner that I
am one hundred and twenty years hence« Cadwallader who enjoyed his terror
under pretence of alleviating his concern told him that what he had
prognosticated did not deprive him of the means which he and every person had in
their power to curtail a life of misfortune and the old gentleman went away
seemingly comforted with the assurance that it would always be in his power to
employ an halter for his own deliverance
Soon after the retreat of this elder the magician was visited by one of
those worthies known among the Romans by the appellation of Heredipetes who had
amassed a large fortune by a close attention to the immediate wants and weakness
of raw unexperienced heirs This honourable usurer had sold an annuity upon the
life of a young spendthrift being thereto induced by the affirmation of his
physician who had assured him his patients constitution was so rotten that he
could not live one year to an end he had nevertheless made shift to weather
eighteen months and now seemed more vigorous and healthy than he had ever been
known for he was supposed to have nourished an hereditary pox from his cradle
Alarmed at this alteration the seller came to consult Cadwallader not only
about the life of the annuitant but also concerning the state of his health at
the time of his purchasing the annuity purposing to sue the physician for false
intelligence should the conjurer declare that the young man was sound when the
doctor pronounced him diseased But this was a piece of satisfaction he did not
obtain from the Misanthrope who in order to punish his sordid disposition
gave him to understand that the physician had told him the truth and nothing
but the truth and that the young gentleman was in a fair way of attaining a
comfortable old age »That is to say cried the client in the impatience of his
mortification at this answer bating accidents for thank God the annuitant
does not lead the most regular life besides I am credibly informed he is
choleric and rash so that he may be concerned in a duel then there are such
things as riots in the street in which a rakes skull may be casually cracked
he may be overturned in a coach overset in the river thrown from a vicious
horse overtaken with a cold endangered by a surfeit but what I place my chief
confidence in is an hearty pox a distemper which hath been fatal to his whole
family Not but that the issue of all these things is uncertain and expedients
might be found which would more effectually answer the purpose I know they
have arts in India by which a man can secure his own interest in the
salutation of a friendly shake by the hand and I dont doubt that you who have
lived in that country are master of the secret To be sure if you was inclined
to communicate such a nostrum there are abundance of people who would purchase
it at a very high price«
Cadwallader understood this insinuation and was tempted to amuse him in
such a manner as would tend to his disgrace and confusion but considering that
the case was of too criminal a nature to be tampered with he withstood his
desire of punishing this rapacious cormorant any other way than by telling him
he would not impart that secret for his whole fortune ten times doubled so that
the usurer retired very much dissatisfied with the issue of his consultation
The next person who presented himself at this altar of intelligence was an
author who recommended himself to a gratis advice by observing that a prophet
and poet were known by the same appellation among the antients and that at
this day both the one and the other spoke by inspiration The conjurer refused
to own this affinity which he said formerly subsisted because both species
of the Vates were the children of fiction but as he himself did not fall under
that predicament he begged leave to disown all connexion with the family of the
poets and the poor author would have been dismissed without his errand tho he
offered to leave an ode as security for the magicians fee to be paid from the
profits of his first third night had not Cadwalladers curiosity prompted him
to know the subject of this gentlemans inquiry He therefore told him that in
consideration of his genius he would for once satisfy him without a fee and
desired him to specify the doubts in which he wished to be resolved
The son of Parnassus glad of this condescension for which he thanked the
necromancer gave him to understand that he had some time before presented a
play in manuscript to a certain great man at the head of taste who had not
only read and approved the performance but also undertaken to introduce and
support it on the stage that he the author was assured by this patron that
the play was already in consequence of his recommendation accepted by one of
the managers who had faithfully promised to bring it to light but that when
he waited on this same manager to know when he intended to put his production
into rehearsal the man declared he had never seen or heard of the piece »Now
Mr Conjurer said he I want to know whether or not my play has been presented
and if I have any sort of chance of seeing it acted this winter«
Cadwallader who had in his younger days sported among the theatrical
muses began to lose his temper at this question which recalled the remembrance
of his own disappointments and dispatched the author with an abrupt answer
importing that the affairs of the stage were altogether without the sphere of
his divination being intirely regulated by the dæmons of dissimulation
ignorance and caprice
It would be an endless task to recount every individual response which our
magician delivered in the course of his conjuration He was consulted in all
cases of law physic and trade over and above the ordinary subjects of
marriage and fornication his advice and assistance were sollicited by sharpers
who desired to possess an infallible method of cheating unperceived by
fortunehunters who wanted to make prize of widows and heiresses by debauchees
who were disposed to lye with other mens wives by coxcombs who longed for the
death of their fathers by wenches with child who wished themselves rid of
their burthens by merchants who had insured above value and thirsted after the
news of a wreck by underwriters who prayed for the gift of prescience that
they might venture money upon such ships only as should perform the voyage in
safety by Jews who wanted to foresee the fluctuations of stock by usurers who
advance money upon undecided causes by clients who were dubious of the honesty
of their council in short all matters of uncertain issue were appealed to this
tribunal and in point of calculation De Moivre was utterly neglected
Chapter XCII
The Conjurer and his Associate execute a Plan of Vengeance against certain
Infidels who pretend to despise their Art and Peregrine atchieves an Adventure
with a young Nobleman
By these means the whole variety of character undisguised passed as it were in
review before the confederates who by divers ingenious contrivances punished
the most flagrant offenders with as much severity as the nature of their plan
would allow At length they projected a scheme for chastising a number of their
own acquaintance who had all along professed the utmost contempt for the
talents of this conjurer which they endeavoured to ridicule in all companies
where his surprising art was the subject of discourse not that they had sense
and discernment enough to perceive the absurdity of his pretensions but
affected a singularity of opinion with a view of insulting the inferior
understandings of those who were deceived by such an idle impostor
Peregrine indeed for obvious reasons had always espoused their judgment in
this case and joined them in reviling the public character of his friend but
he knew how far the capacities of those virtuosi extended and had frequently
caught them in the fact of recounting their exploits against the conjurer which
were the productions of their own invention only On these considerations his
wrath was kindled against them and he accordingly concerted measures with his
coadjutor for overwhelming them with confusion and dismay
In the first place a report was spread by his emissaries that the magician
had undertaken to entertain the view with the appearance of any person whom his
customers should desire to see whether dead or at the distance of a thousand
leagues This extraordinary proposal chancing to be the subject of conversation
in a place where most of those infidels were assembled they talked of it in the
usual stile and some of them swore the fellow ought to be pilloryd for his
presumption
Our hero seizing this favourable opportunity acquiesced in their remarks
and observed with great vehemence that it would be a meritorious action to put
the rascal to the proof and then toss him in a blanket for nonperformance
They were wonderfully pleased with this suggestion and forthwith determined to
try the experiment though as they understood the apparition would be produced
to one only at a time they could not immediately agree in the choice of the
person who should stand the first brunt of the magicians skill While each of
them severally excused himself from this preference on various pretences
Peregrine readily undertook the post expressing great confidence of the
conjurers incapacity to give him the least cause of apprehension
This point being settled they detached one of their number to Crabtree in
order to bespeak and adjust the hours and terms of the operation which he
insisted upon performing at his own apartment where every thing was prepared
for the occasion At the appointed time they went thither in a body to the
number of seven in full expectation of detecting the impostor and were
received with such gloomy formality as seemed to have an effect upon the
countenances of some among them though they were encouraged by the vivacity of
Pickle who affected a double share of petulance for the more effectual
accomplishment of his purpose
Cadwallader made no reply to the interrogations they uttered in the levity
of their insolence at their first entrance but ordered Hadgi to conduct them
through the next room that they might see there was no previous apparatus to
affright their deputy with objects foreign to his undertaking They found
nothing but a couple of waxtapers burning on a table that stood with a chair by
it in the middle of the apartment and returned to the audiencechamber
leaving Peregrine by himself to encounter the phantom of that person whom they
should without his knowledge desire the magician to conjure up to his view
All the doors being shut and the company seated a profound silence ensued
together with a face of dreadful expectation encouraged by the blue flame of
the candles which were tipt with sulphur for that purpose and heightened by
the dismal sound of a large bell which Hadgi tolled in the antichamber
Cadwallader having thus practised upon their ignorance and fear desired them to
name the person to be produced and after some whispers among themselves one of
them took the pen and writing the name of commodore Trunnion upon a slip of
paper put it into the hands of the magician who rose from his seat and
opening the door of his closet displayed to their view a scull with
thighbones crossed upon a table covered with black cloth
This melancholy spectacle made a remarkable impression upon the imaginations
of the company already prepossessed by the previous ceremony and they began to
survey one another with looks of consternation while Cadwallader shutting
himself in the closet that was contiguous to the chamber in which his friend
Peregrine was stationed thrust the label with his uncles name through a small
chink in the partition according to agreement muttering all the time a sort of
gibberish that increased the pannic of his audience then returning to his
chair the knell was knolled again and Pickle called aloud »Damn your mummery
why dont you dispatch«
This was a signal to Crabtree who thus certified of his having received the
paper stood up and waved his wand in the figure of an S The motion being
thrice performed their ears were all of a sudden invaded by a terrible noise in
the next room accompanied with the voice of Peregrine who exclaimed in a tone
of horror and amazement »Guard me heaven my uncle Trunnion« This ejaculation
had such an effect upon the hearers that two of them swooned with fear a third
fell upon his knees and prayed aloud while the other three in a transport of
dismay and distraction burst open the door and rushed into the haunted
chamber where they found the table and chair overturned and Peregrine extended
in all appearance without sense or motion upon the floor
They immediately began to chafe his temples and the first symptom of his
recovery which they perceived was an hollow groan after which he pronounced
these words »Merciful powers if I live I saw the commodore with his black
patch in the very cloaths he wore at my sisters wedding« This declaration
compleated their astonishment and terror they observed a wildness in his looks
which he seemed to bend on something concealed from their view and were
infected by his appearance to such a pitch of superstition that it would have
been an easy matter to persuade them that the chair and table were apparitions
of their forefathers However they conducted Peregrine into the
councilchamber where the conjuror and Hadgi were employed in ministring to
those who had fainted and the patients having retrieved the use of their
faculties Cadwallader assuming a double portion of severity in his aspect
asked if they were not ashamed of their former incredulity declaring that he
was ready to give them more convincing proofs of his art upon the spot and
would immediately recal three generations of their progenitors from the dead if
they were disposed to relish such company Then turning to one of them whose
great grandfather had been hanged »Are you said he ambitious of seeing the
first remarkable personage of your family Say the word and he shall appear«
This youth who had been the most insolent and obstreperous of the whole
society and was now depressed with the same proportion of fear alarmed at the
proposal assured the magician he had no curiosity of that sort remaining and
that what he had already seen would he hoped have a good effect upon his
future life and conversation Every one of these heroes made an acknowledgment
and profession of the same kind some of which were attended with tears and
Hadgi having provided chairs for the whole company they departed exceedingly
crestfallen and two of the number actually sickened with the agitation they
had undergone while our hero and his associate made themselves merry with the
success of their enterprize
But this scheme of fortunetelling did not engross his whole attention he
still continued to maintain his appearance in the beau monde and as his expence
far exceeded his income strove to contract intimacies with people of interest
and power he shewed himself regularly at court paid his respects to them in
all places of public diversion and frequently entered into their parties
either of pleasure or cards In the course of this cultivation he happened one
evening at a certain chocolatehouse to overlook a match at piquet in which
he perceived a couple of sharpers making prey of a young nobleman who had
neither temper nor skill sufficient to cope with such antagonists
Our hero being a professed enemy to all knights of industry could not bear
to see them cheat in publick with such insolent audacity and therefore under
pretence of communicating some business of importance he beggd the favour of
speaking to the young gentleman in another corner of the room and in a friendly
manner cautioned him against the arts of his opponents This hotheaded
representative far from thinking or owning himself obliged to Pickle for his
good counsel looked upon the advice as an insult upon his understanding and
replied with an air of ferocious displeasure that he knew how to take care of
his own concerns and would not suffer either him or them to bubble him out of
one shilling
Peregrine offended at the association as well as at the ingratitude and
folly of this conceited coxcomb expressed his resentment by telling him that
he expected at least an acknowledgement for his candid intention but he found
his intellects too much warped by his vanity to perceive his own want of
capacity and experience Inflamed by this reproof the young nobleman challenged
him to play for five hundred pounds with many opprobrious or at least
contemptuous terms of defiance which provoked our hero to accept the proposal
and after the other had disengaged himself from the old rooks who were
extremely mortified at the interruption the two young champions sat down and
fortune acting with uncommon impartiality Pickle by the superiority of his
talents in two hours won to the amount of as many thousand pounds for which he
was obliged to take his antagonists note the sharpers having previously
secured his ready money
Frantic with his loss the rash young man would have continued the game and
doubled stakes every time so that Peregrine might have increased his
acquisition to ten times the sum he had gained but he thought he had already
sufficiently chastised the presumption of the challenger and was unwilling to
impower fortune to ravish from him the fruits of his success he therefore
declined my lords proposal unless he would play for ready money and his
lordship having in vain tried his credit among the company our adventurer
withdrew leaving him in an extasy of rage and disappointment
As the insolence of his behaviour had increased with his ill luck and he
had given vent to divers expressions which Peregrine took amiss our young
gentleman resolved to augment his punishment by teazing him with demands which
could not he knew be immediately satisfied and next day sent Pipes to his
fathers house with the note which was drawn payable upon demand The debtor
who had gone to bed half distracted with his misfortune finding himself waked
with such a disagreeable dun lost all patience cursed Pickle threatened his
messenger blasphemed with horrible execrations and made such a noise as
reached the ears of his father who ordering his son to be called into his
presence examined him about the cause of that uproar which had disturbed the
whole family The young gentleman after having essayed to amuse him with sundry
equivocations which served only to increase his suspicion and desire of
knowing the truth acknowledged that he had lost some money overnight at cards
to a gamester who had been so impertinent as to send a message demanding it
that morning though he had told the fellow it would not suit him to pay it
immediately The father who was a man of honour reproached him with great
severity for his profligate behaviour in general and this scandalous debt in
particular which he believed to be some trifle and giving him a bank note for
five hundred pounds commanded him to go and discharge it without loss of time
This wellprincipled heir took the money but instead of waiting upon his
creditor he forthwith repaired to the gaminghouse in hopes of retrieving his
loss and before he rose from the table saw his note mortgaged for seven
eighths of its value
Mean while Pickle incensed at the treatment which his servant had
received and informed of his lordships second loss which aggravated his
resentment determined to preserve no medium and taking out a writ that same
day put it immediately in execution upon the body of his debtor just as he
steppd into his chair at the door of Whites Chocolatehouse The prisoner
being naturally fierce and haughty attempted to draw upon the bailiffs who
disarmed him in a twinkling and this effort served only to heighten his
disgrace which was witnessed by a thousand people most of whom laughed very
heartily at the adventure of a lords being arrested
Such a public transaction could not long escape the knowledge of his father
who that very day had the satisfaction to hear that his son was in a
spunginghouse In consequence of this information he sent his steward to learn
the particulars of the arrest and was equally offended surprized and
concerned when he understood the nature of the debt which he imagined his son
had already discharged Unwilling to pay such a considerable sum for a
spendthrift whom he had but too much indulged and who in less than one week
might involve himself in such another difficulty the old gentleman wrote a
letter to Peregrine representing what a hardship it would be upon him to
forfeit such sums by the indiscretion of a son whose engagements he was not
bound to fulfil and desiring some mitigation in his demand as it was not a
debt contracted for value received but incurred without subjecting him to the
least damage or inconvenience
Our adventurer no sooner received this letter than he went in person to
wait upon the author to whom he in a candid manner related the particular
circumstances of the match together with the ingratitude and audacity of his
son which he owned had stimulated him to such measures as he otherwise would
have scorned to take The nobleman acknowledged that the revenge was hardly
adequate to the provocation and condemned the conduct of his son with such
justice and integrity as disarmed Peregrine of his resentment and disposed him
to give an undoubted proof of his own disinterestedness which he immediately
exhibited by producing the note and tearing it to pieces after having assured
his lordship that the writ should be withdrawn and the prisoner discharged
before night
The earl who perfectly well understood the value of money and was no
stranger to the characters of mankind stood amazed at this sacrifice which
Pickle protested was offered by his esteem for his lordship and after having
complimented him upon his generosity in a very uncommon strain of encomium
beggd the favour of his acquaintance and insisted upon his dining with him
next day The youth proud of having met with such an opportunity to distinguish
himself in less than an hour performed every article of his promise and in the
morning was visited by the debtor who came by the express order of his father
to thank him for the obligation under which he was laid and ask pardon for the
offence he had given
This condescension was very glorious for our hero who graciously received
his submission and accompanied him to dinner where he was caressed by the old
earl with marks of particular affection and esteem Nor was his gratitude
confined to exterior civility he offered him the use of his interest at court
which was very powerful and repeated his desire of serving him so pressingly
that Peregrine thought he could not dispense with the opportunity of assisting
his absent friend Godfrey in whose behalf he beggd the influence of his
lordship
The earl pleased with this request which was another proof of the young
gentlemans benevolence said he would not fail to pay the utmost regard to his
recommendation and in six weeks a captains commission was actually signed for
the brother of Emilia who was very agreeably surprized at the intimation he
received from the waroffice though he was utterly ignorant of the canal
through which he obtained that promotion
Chapter XCIII
Peregrine is celebrated as a Wit and Patron and proceeds to entertain himself
at the Expence of whom it did concern
In the mean time Peregrine flourished in the gay scenes of life and as I have
already observed had divers opportunities of profiting in the way of marriage
had not his ambition been a little too inordinate and his heart still biassed
by a passion which all the levity of youth could not balance nor all the pride
of vanity overcome Nor was our hero unmarked in the world of letters and taste
he had signalized himself in several poetical productions by which he had
acquired a good share of reputation not that the pieces were such as ought to
have done much honour to his genius but any tolerable performance from a person
of his figure and supposed fortune will always be considered by the bulk of
readers as an instance of astonishing capacity though the very same
production ushered into the world with the name of an author in less affluent
circumstances would be justly disregarded and despised so much is the opinion
of most people influenced and overawed by ridiculous considerations
Be this as it will our young gentleman was no sooner distinguished as an
author than he was marked out as a patron by all the starving retainers to
poetry he was solemnized in odes celebrated in epigrams and fed with the milk
of soft dedication His vanity even relished this incense and though his reason
could not help despising those that offered it not one of them was sent away
unowned by his munificence He began to think himself in good earnest that
superior genius which their flattery had described he cultivated acquaintance
with the wits of fashion and even composed in secret a number of bons mots
which he uttered in company as the impromptus of his imagination In this
practice indeed he imitated some of the most renowned geniuses of the age who
if the truth were known have laboured in secret with the sweat of their
brows for many a repartee which they have vended as the immediate production of
fancy and expression He was so successful in this exercise of his talents that
his fame actually came in competition with that of a great man who had long sat
at the helm of wit and in a dialogue that once happened between them on the
subject of a corkscrew wherein the altercation was discharged according to
Bayes slap for slap dash for dash our hero was judged to have the better of
his lordship by some of the minor satellites that commonly surround and
reflect the rays of such mighty luminaries
In a word he dipped himself so far in these literary amusements that he
took the management of the pit into his direction putting himself at the head
of those critics who call themselves the town and in that capacity chastised
several players who had been rendered insolent and refractory by unmerited
success As for the new productions of the stage though generally unspirited
and insipid they always enjoyed the benefit of his influence and protection
because he never disliked the performance so much as he sympathized with the
poor author who stood behind the scenes in the most dreadful suspence
trembling as it were on the very brink of damnation yet though he extended
his generosity and compassion to the humble and needy he never let slip one
opportunity of mortifying villainy and arrogance Had the executive power of the
legislature been vested in him he would have doubtless devised strange species
of punishment for all offenders against humanity and decorum but restricted as
he was he employed his invention in subjecting them to the ridicule and
contempt of their fellowsubjects
It was with that view he set on foot the scheme of conjuration which was
still happily carried on and made use of the intelligence of his friend
Cadwallader though he sometimes converted this advantage to the purposes of
gallantry being as the reader may have perceived of a very amorous
complexion He not only acted the reformer or rather the castigator in the
fashionable world but also exercised his talents among the inferior class of
people who chanced to incur his displeasure
Being one day insulted by a couple of chairmen who demanded more than their
fare he took particular notice of their number and next day Pipes being
dressed in one of his old suits went by his direction to a coffeehouse near
their stand after he had loaded himself with an additional weight amounting to
an hundred pounds at least and calling the same individual partners who had
affronted his master he took possession of their chair and ordered them to
carry him to a place at the distance of two long miles The burthen was so
extraordinary that when they attempted to take him up they imagined the
vehicle was detained by some crack or crevice of the pavement and one of them
actually went to disengage it but finding it clear he began a song of
imprecations upon his fare who he swore had got a backside of blocktin but
being obliged to accomplish his undertaking he bent his shoulders once more to
the load bidding his comrade lift fair and be damnd The task was not
performed in silence while they staggered along he cursed in a strain peculiar
to himself and in vain endeavoured to provoke the patient Pipes with
opprobrious language hoping that he would either dismiss them from his service
or be so incensed at his abuse as to proceed to manual chastisement in which
case the fellow would have an opportunity of gratifying his choler upon the
author of his present grievance Finding however that the gentleman bore his
reproaches with the most philosophic indifference he lost all patience and
being restrained by the fear of the law from an assault upon his fare he
turned the stream of his indignation upon his own partner who he alledged did
not bear his share of the burthen This imputation created a dispute which was
maintained on both sides with such virulence of obloquy as produced a quarrel
and mutual defiance to single combat on the spot
The chair was accordingly set down without ceremony the antagonists
stripped themselves in a moment and a fierce battle ensuing Peregrine who
followed at a distance enjoyed the pleasure of seeing them both beaten almost
to jelly before the contest was determined As for Pipes he sat still and
viewed the engagement with great composure and perceiving his carriers disabled
by their mutual prowess and perseverance opened the chair and very
deliberately walked home to his masters lodging where he disincumbered himself
of his load
A few days after the atchievement of this exploit one of our heros
friends who lodged at the house of an old peevish puritanical widow that kept
an hosiers shop was obliged to quit his apartment at a minutes warning
because he had scandalized the house by treating a female cousin at supper
overnight On this occasion a great deal of sharp repartee had passed between
him and his landlady who not only subjected him to infinite inconvenience from
such a precipitate removal but had likewise given her tongue such disagreeable
liberties at his expence that he vowed revenge and now sollicited the advice
and assistance of his friend Pickle having inquired into the character of the
delinquent who was hated by her neighbours for her insolent and fretful
disposition undertook the cause of his companion to whom he dictated the
following advertisement which was immediately inserted in one of the
newspapers »Any person possessed of a male black cat with white feet and a
bushy tail not exceeding the age of two or three years will find a purchaser
by carrying it to the sign of the kid near St Jamess«
The projector and his associate having obtained the promise of the
publisher that this intimation should appear next day went early in the
morning to a public house and occupying a room the windows of which fronted
the hosiers door sat with joyful expectation to see the effect of their
scheme which soon yielded them all the satisfaction they could desire The shop
was no sooner opened than it was surrounded by a great number of the Cannaille
who having heard the advertisement read in alehouses came each with a cat
under his arm in hopes of making an advantageous bargain for though many of
them were too inconsiderable to produce such an animal of their own property
they had made free with the first cats they could pick up and every one
repaired with all possible dispatch to the appointed place with a view of
forestalling the market so that in disputing the precedence the whole crew
went to loggerheads about the door to the utter astonishment of the shopkeeper
who could not conceive the meaning of such a congregation
Nevertheless she began to harangue them in her usual stile which was not
the mildest sort of expostulation and one of the multitude who found means to
detach himself from the general uproar and confusion told her he had brought a
cat which he supposed would answer the marks of her advertisement »Here
said he presenting the creature look at him mistress Ill be damnd if you
ever saw a finer boar in your life Do but mind his tusks and his tail his tail
is for all the world like a squirrels and yet hes no more than a kitten Im
the son of a bitch if hes a day more than six months old« This address while
it compleated her amazement kindled her rage to such a degree that she spit in
his face calling him a cat and a rat and a rascal and shutting the hatch
threatened the whole assembly with Bridewell and imprisonment if they would not
immediately disperse Her declamation was so shrill as to command the attention
of the whole audience who finding their hopes frustrated and hearing
themselves so bitterly reviled put an end to their own jars and held a
momentary conference in consequence of which one of them was deputed to ask
whether or not she had advertised for a black cat This question being answered
in the negative with a string of reproachful epithets the interrogator
approaching the door »Why ye bitch of Babel said he if you wont give money
for my cat you shall have him for love« With these words he threw it into the
shop and retired while his brethren in obedience to this signal lifted up
their hands as one man and like soldiers at the word of command discharged
about forty cats at the same instant of time upon the confounded hosier who
finding herself overwhelmed by such a number of animals which she looked upon
as so many fiends sent to torment her ran aghast into the street with dismal
outcries imploring the assistance of her neighbours who as well as our
confederates enjoyed her distress and after having indulged their animosity
contributed their aid in ridding her of such a dangerous annoyance
The next mischievous plan that entered our heros imagination was suggested
by two advertisements published in the same paper by persons who wanted to
borrow certain sums of money for which they promised to give undeniable
security Peregrine from the stile and manner of both concluded they were
written by attornies a species of people for whom he entertained his uncles
aversion and in order to amuse himself and some of his friends with their
disappointment he wrote a letter signed AB to each advertiser according to
the address specified in the newspaper importing that if he would come with
his writings to a certain coffeehouse near the Temple precisely at six
oclock in the evening he would find a person sitting in the righthand box
next to the window who would be glad to treat with him about the subject of his
advertisement and should his security be liked would accommodate him with the
sum which he wanted to raise Before the hour of this double appointment Pickle
with his friend Cadwallader and a few more gentlemen to whom he had thought
proper to communicate the plan went to the coffeehouse and seated themselves
near the place that was destined for their meeting
The hope of getting money had such an evident effect upon their punctuality
that one of them arrived a considerable time before the hour and having
reconnoitred the room took his station according to the direction he had
received fixing his eye upon a clock that stood before him and asking of the
barkeeper if it was not too slow He had not remained in this posture many
minutes when he was joined by a strange figure that waddled into the room
with a bundle of papers in his bosom and the sweat running over his nose
Seeing a man in the box to which he had been directed he took it for granted he
was the lender and as soon as he could recover his breath which was almost
exhausted by the dispatch he had made »Sir said he I presume you are the
gentleman I was to meet about that loan« Here he was interrupted by the
other who eagerly replied »AB Sir I suppose« »The same cried the last
comer I was afraid I should be too late for I was detained beyond my
expectation by a nobleman in the other end of the town that wants to mortgage
a small trifle of his estate about a thousand a year and my watch happens to
be in the hands of the maker having met with an accident a few nights ago
which set it asleep But howsomever theres no time lost and I hope this
affair will be transacted to the satisfaction of us both For my own part I
love to do good offices myself and therefore I expect nothing but what is fair
and honest of other people«
His new friend was exceedingly comforted by this declaration which he
considered as a happy omen of his success and the hope of fingering the cash
operated visibly in his countenance while he expressed his satisfaction at
meeting with a person of such candour and humanity »The pleasure said he of
dealing with an easy conscientious man is in my opinion superior to that of
touching all the money upon earth for what joy can be compared with what a
generous mind feels in befriending its fellowcreatures I was never so happy
in my life as at one time in lending five hundred pounds to a worthy gentleman
in distress without insisting upon rigid security Sir one may easily
distinguish an upright man by his countenance for example now I think I could
take your word for ten thousand pounds« The other with great joy protested
that he was right in his conjecture and returned the compliment a thousand
fold by which means the expectation of both was wound up to a very interesting
pitch and both at the same instant began to produce their papers in the
untying of which their hands shook with transports of eagerness and impatience
while their eyes were so intent upon their work that they did not perceive the
occupation of each other
At length one of them having got the start of the other and unrolled
several skins of musty parchment directed his view to the employment of his
friend and seeing him fumbling at his bundle asked if that was a blank bond
and conveyance which he had brought along with him The other without lifting
up his eyes or desisting from his endeavours to loose the knot which by this
time he had applied to his teeth answered this question in the negative
observing that the papers in his hand were the security which he proposed to
give for the money
This reply converted the looks of the inquirer into a stare of infinite
stolidity accompanied with the word Anan which he pronounced in a tone of
fear and astonishment The other alarmed at this note cast his eyes towards
the supposed lender and was in a moment infected by his aspect All the
exultation of hope that sparkled in their eyes was now succeeded by
disappointment and dismay and while they gazed ruefully at each other their
features were gradually elongated like the transient curls of a Middlerow
periwig
This emphatic silence was however broke by the last comer who in a
faultering accent desired the other to recollect the contents of his letter
»Of your letter« cried the first putting into his hand the advertisement he
had received from Pickle which he had no sooner perused than he produced his
own for the satisfaction of the other party so that another gloomy pause
ensued at the end of which each uttered a profound sigh or rather groan and
rising up sneakd off without farther communication he who seemed to be the
most afflicted of the two taking his departure with an exclamation of
»Humbugged egad«
Such were the amusements of our hero tho they did not engross his whole
time some part of which was dedicated to nocturnal riots and revels among a
set of young noblemen who had denounced war against temperance oeconomy and
common sense and were indeed the devoted sons of tumult waste and
prodigality Not that Peregrine relished those scenes which were a succession
of absurd extravagance devoid of all true spirit taste or enjoyment but his
vanity prompted him to mingle with those who were intitled the choice spirits of
the age and his disposition was so pliable as to adapt itself easily to the
measures of his company where he had not influence enough to act in the
capacity of director Their rendezvous was at a certain tavern which might be
properly stiled the temple of excess where they left the choice of their fare
to the discretion of the landlord that they might save themselves the pains of
exercising their own reason and in order to avoid the trouble of adjusting the
bill ordered the waiter to declare how much every individual must pay without
specifying the articles of the charge and this proportion generally amounted to
two guineas per head for each dinner and supper and frequently exceeded that
sum of which the landlord durst not abate without running the risque of having
his nose slit for his moderation
But this was a puny expence compared with that which they often incurred
by the damage done to the furniture and servants in the madness of their
intoxication as well as the loss they sustained at hazard an amusement to
which all of them had recourse in the progress of their debauches This elegant
diversion was introduced encouraged and promoted by a crew of rapacious
sharpers who had made themselves necessary companions to this hopeful
generation by the talents of pimping and buffoonery and though they were
universally known even by those they preyed upon to have no other means of
earning their livelihood than the most infamous and fraudulent practices they
were caressed and courted by these infatuated dupes when a man of honour who
would not join in their excesses would have been treated with the utmost
indignity and contempt
Though Peregrine in his heart detested those abandoned courses and was a
professed enemy to the whole society of gamesters whom he considered and
always treated as the foes of human kind he was insensibly accustomed to
licentious riot and even led imperceptibly into play by those cormorants who
are no less dangerous in the art of cheating than by their consummate skill in
working upon the passions of unwary youth They are for the most part
naturally cool phlegmatic and crafty and by a long habit of dissimulation
have gained an absolute dominion over the hasty passions of the heart so that
they engage with manifest advantage over the impatience and impetuosity of a
warm undesigning temper like that of our young gentleman who when he was
heated with wine misled by example invited on one hand and defied on the
other forgot all his maxims of caution and sobriety and plunging into the
reigning folly of the place had frequent occasions to moralize in the morning
upon the loss of the preceding night
These penitential reflections were attended with many laudable resolutions
of profiting by the expence which he had so dearly purchased but he was one of
those philosophers who always put off till another day the commencement of
their reformation
Chapter XCIV
Peregrine receives a Letter from Hatchway in consequence of which he repairs to
the Garison and performs the last Offices to his Aunt He is visited by Mr
Gauntlet who invites him to his Marriage
In this circle of amusements our heros time was parcelled out and few young
gentlemen of the age enjoyed life with greater relish notwithstanding those
intervening checks of reason which served only to whet his appetite for a
repetition of the pleasures she so prudently condemned when he received the
following letter by which he was determined to visit his estate in the country
Cousin Pickle
I hope you are in a better trim than your aunt who hath been fast
moored to her bed these seven weeks by several feet of underwater
logging in her hold and hollop whereby I doubt her planks are rotted
so as she cannot chuse but fall to pieces in a short time I have done
all in my power to keep her tight and easy and free from sudden squalls
that might overstrain her And here have been the doctors who have
skuttled her lower deck and let out six gallons of water For my own
part I wonder how the devil it came there for you know as how it was a
liquor she never took in But as for those fellows the doctors they are
like unskilful carpenters that in mending one leak make a couple and
so she fills again apace But the worst sign of all is this here she
wont let a drop of Nantz go betwixt the combings of her teeth and has
quite lost the rudder of her understanding whereby she yaws woundily in
her speech palavering about some foreign part called the New
Geereusalem and wishing herself in a safe birth in the river Geordun
The parson I must say strives to keep her steady concerning the
navigation of her soul and talks very sensibly of charity and the poor
whereof she hath left a legacy of two hundred pounds in her will And
here has been Mr Gamaliel and your brother my lord demanding entrance
at the gate in order to see her but I would not suffer them to come
aboard and pointed my patereroes which made them sheer off Your
sister Mrs Clover keeps close watch upon her kinswoman without ever
turning in and a kindhearted young woman it is I should be glad to
see you at the garison if the wind of your inclination sits that way
and mayhap it may be a comfort to your aunt to behold you alongside of
her when her anchor is apeak So no more at pr esent but rests
Your friend
And humble servant to command
Jno HATCHWAY
Next morning after the receipt of this epistle Peregrine in order to manifest
his regard to his aunt as well as his friendship for honest Jack set out on
horseback for their habitation attended by Pipes who longed to see his old
messmate but before he reached the garison Mrs Hatchway had given up the
ghost in the threescore and fifth year of her age The widower seemed to bear
his loss with resignation and behaved very decently upon the occasion though
he did not undergo those dangerous transports of sorrow which some
tenderhearted husbands have felt at the departure of their yokefellows The
lieutenant was naturally a philosopher and so well disposed to acquiesce in the
dispensations of providence that in this as well as in every other emergency
of his life he firmly believed that every thing which happened was for the
best
Peregrines task therefore was not so great in comforting him as in
consoling his own sister who with great poignancy and sincerity of grief
lamented the death of the only relation with whom she had maintained any
intimacy of correspondence for her mother was as implacable as ever in her
enmity against her and Peregrine and rather more determined in her rancour
that which was originally a sudden transport of indignation being by this time
settled into a confirmed inveteracy of hate As for Gam who was now dignified
by the countrypeople with the appellation of the young squire he still acted
in the capacity of minister to the caprice and vengeance of his mother taking
all opportunities of disturbing Julias peace slandering her reputation and
committing outrages against the tenants and domestics of her husband who was a
man of a quiet and timorous disposition
But the chief amusement of young Pickle in his later years was the chace
in which he acquired some renown by his intrepidity and remarkable figure which
improved every day in deformity insomuch as to suggest a ludicrous scheme of
revenge to a gentleman in the neighbourhood who having been affronted by the
insolence of Crookback cloathed a large baboon that was in his possession in a
dress that resembled the huntingequipage of Gam and ordering the animal to be
set astride and tied upon the back of his keenest hunter turned them out one
day after the hounds and the horse in a little time outstripping all the rest
in the field the rider was mistaken for Gam by the whole company who saluted
him as he passed with a hollow observing that the squire had his usual good
luck in being better mounted than his neighbours Pickle afterwards appearing
in his own person created great astonishment in the spectators one of whom
asked if he had split himself in twain and pointed out his representative who
was by this time almost up with the hounds upon which the identical Gam went
in pursuit of the impostor and when he overtook him was so much enraged at the
counterfeit that he attacked the baboon whip in hand and in all probability
would have sacrificed him to his resentment had not he been prevented by the
other foxhunters who interposed in order to make up the difference betwixt
two brothers of the sport and were equally surprised and diverted when they
distinguished the quality of Crookbacks antagonist which they rescued from his
rage and reconveyed to its master
Peregrine at the request of his friend Jack took charge of his aunts
funeral to which his parents were invited though they did not think proper to
appear or pay the least regard to his sollicitations when he desired
permission to wait upon them in person Nevertheless old Gamaliel at the
instigation of his wife afterwards obtained an order from Doctors Commons
obliging Hatchway to produce the will of his wife on the supposition that she
had bequeathed to him some part of the money which she knew was at her own
disposal But from this step he reaped no other satisfaction than that of
finding himself altogether neglected by the testatrix who had left all her
effects to her husband except one thousand pounds with her jewels to Julias
daughter the benefaction mentioned in the lieutenants letter and some
inconsiderable legacies to her favourite domesticks
A few days after the interment of this good lady our hero was agreeably
surprised with a visit from his friend Godfrey who had come to England in
consequence of that promotion which he owed to his interest tho the soldier
himself placed it to the credit of a certain courtier who had formerly promised
to befriend him and now finding his advancement unowned very modestly
arrogated the merit of it to himself He communicated his good fortune to
Pickle who complimented him upon it as an event of which he had no
precognition and at the same time told him that in consequence of his
preferment his cousin at Windsor had consented to his being immediately united
in the bands of wedlock with his lovely Sophy that the weddingday was already
fixed and that nothing would be wanting to his happiness if Peregrine would
honour the nuptials with his presence
Our hero accepted the invitation with great eagerness when he learned that
Emilia would be there in quality of brides maid and now repeated what he had
formerly written to his friend namely that he was not only willing but
extremely impatient to attone for his mad behaviour to that young lady by
laying himself and his whole fortune at her feet Godfrey thanked him for his
honourable intention and promised to use his influence and that of Sophy in
his behalf tho he seemed dubious of their success on account of his sisters
delicacy which could not pardon the least shadow of disrespect He owned
indeed he was not certain that she would appear in the same company with
Pickle but as she had made no stipulations on that score he would interpret
her silence in the most favourable manner and keep her in ignorance of his
design until she should find it too late to retract with any decency The hope
of seeing and conversing with Emilia and perhaps of being reconciled to her
after having suffered so much and so long from her displeasure raised a tumult
of ideas in his breast and produced a strange inquietude of joy and
perturbation Gauntlet having stayed with him a few days and signified the time
appointed for his spousals took his leave in order to prepare for the
occasion while Peregrine with his friend Hatchway made a tour among his
acquaintance in the country with a view of sounding their inclinations touching
a project which he had lately conceived of offering himself as a candidate for
a certain borough in the neighbourhood at the ensuing election for members of
parliament
This scheme which was suggested to him by one of his quality patrons would
have succeeded according to his wish had the election taken place immediately
but before that happened his interest was overbalanced by some small accidents
that will be recorded in the sequel In the mean time he repaired to Windsor on
the eve of his friends marriage and understood from Godfrey that it was with
the utmost difficulty he and Sophy could prevail upon his sister to be present
at the wedding when she was informed that her lover was invited and that her
consent had not been obtained until they had promised on the part of Peregrine
that he should not renew the old topic nor even speak to her in the stile of a
former acquaintance
Our young gentleman was nettled at this preliminary to which however he
said he would adhere and so well did he think himself fortified with pride and
resentment that he resolved to behave towards her with such indifference as
would he hoped mortify her vanity and thereby punish her for the
implacability of her disposition Armed with these sentiments he was next day
introduced by Godfrey to the bride who received him with her usual sweetness of
temper and affability and Emilia being present he saluted her with a distant
bow which she acknowledged with a cold curtsy and an aspect of ice Tho this
deportment confirmed his displeasure her beauty undermined his resolution he
thought her charms were infinitely improved since their last parting and a
thousand fond images recurring to his imagination he felt his whole soul
dissolving into tenderness and love
In order to banish those dangerous ideas he endeavoured to enter into a gay
conversation with Sophy on the subject of the approaching ceremony but his
tongue performed its office very aukwardly his eyes were attracted towards
Emilia as if they had been subject to the power of fascination in spite of all
his efforts a deep sigh escaped from his bosom and his whole appearance
indicated anxiety and confusion
The bridegroom perceiving his condition abridged the visit and having
conducted his companion to his own lodgings expressed his concern at having
been the innocent occasion of his uneasiness by exposing him to the sight of
Emilia which he perceived had given him pain Peregrine who had by this time
recollected the dictates of his pride assured him that he was very much
mistaken in the cause of his disorder which was no other than a sudden qualm
to which he had been for some time subject and to shew him how philosophically
he could bear the disdain of Emilia which with all deference to her conduct
he could not help thinking a little too severe he desired as the bridegroom
had made preparations for a private ball in the evening that he would provide
him with an agreeable partner in which case he would exhibit undoubted proofs
of the tranquillity of his heart »I was in hopes answered Godfrey of being
able with the assistance of Sophy to make up matters between you and my
sister and for that reason kept her unengaged to any other gentleman for the
night but since she is so peevishly obstinate I shall take care to accommodate
you with a very handsome young lady whose partner will not be sorry to exchange
her for Emilia«
The thoughts of having an opportunity to coquet with another woman under
the eye of this implacable mistress supported his spirits during the ceremony
which put Gauntlet in possession of his hearts desire and by means of this
cordial he found himself so undisturbed at dinner tho he sat opposite to his
fair enemy that he was able to pass some occasional jokes upon the newmarried
couple with some appearance of mirth and good humour Nor did Emily any
otherwise seem affected by his presence than by excepting him from the
participation of those genial regards which she distributed to the rest of the
company This easiness of behaviour on her side reinforced his resolution by
giving him pretence to call her sensibility in question for he could not
conceive how any woman of acute feelings could sit unmoved in presence of a man
with whom she had such recent and intimate connexion not considering that she
had much more reason to condemn his affectation of unconcern and that her
external deportment might like his own be an effort of pride and resentment
This contest in point of dissimulation continued till night when the
company was paired for dancing and Peregrine began the ball by walking a minuet
with the bride then he took out the young lady to whom he was recommended by
Gauntlet being very well pleased to see that her person was such as might have
inspired even Emily herself with jealousy though at the same time he
perceived his mistress coupled with a gay young officer whom with all due
deference to his own qualifications he considered as no despicable rival
However he himself first began hostilities by becoming all of a sudden
particular with his partner whom he forthwith assailed with flattering
compliments that soon introduced the subject of love upon which he expatiated
with great art and elocution using not only the faculty of speech but also the
language of the eyes in which he was a perfect connoisseur
This behaviour soon manifested itself to the whole assembly the greatest
part of whom believed that he was in good earnest captivated by the heart of his
partner while Emilia penetrating into his design turned his own artillery
upon himself by seeming to listen with pleasure to the addresses of his rival
who was no novice in the art of making love she even affected uncommon
vivacity and giggled aloud at every whisper which he conveyed into her ear
insomuch that she in her turn afforded speculation to the company who
imagined the young soldier had made a conquest of the bridegrooms sister
Pickle himself began to cherish the same opinion which gradually invaded
his good humour and at length filled his bosom with rage He strove to
suppress his indignation and called every consideration of vanity and revenge
to his aid he endeavoured to wean his eyes from the fatal object that disturbed
him but they would not obey his direction and command he wished himself
deprived of all sensation when he heard her laugh and saw her smile upon the
officer and in the course of countrydancing when he was obliged to join
hands with her the touch thrilld thro all his nerves and kindled a flame
within him which he could not contain In a word his endeavours to conceal the
situation of his thoughts were so violent that his constitution could not
endure the shock the sweat ran down his forehead in a stream the colour
vanished from his cheeks his knees began to totter and his eyesight to fail
so that he must have fallen at his full length upon the floor had not he
retired very abruptly into another room where he threw himself upon a couch
and fainted
In this condition he was found by his friend who seeing him withdraw with
such symptoms of disorder followed him thither and when he recovered the use
of his faculties pressed him to make use of a bed in that house rather than
expose himself to the night air by going home to his own lodgings but not
being able to prevail upon him to accept the offer he wrapped him up in a
cloak and conducting him to the inn where he lodged helped him to undress and
go to bed where he was immediately seized with a violent fit of the ague
Godfrey behaved with great tenderness and would have actually bore him company
all night notwithstanding the circumstances of his own situation had not his
friend insisted upon his returning to the company and making his apology to his
partner for his sudden departure
This was a step absolutely necessary towards maintaining the quiet of the
assembly which he found in great consternation occasioned by his absence for
some of the ladies seeing the bridegroom follow the stranger in his retreat the
meaning of which they did not comprehend began to be afraid of a quarrel and
Emilia upon pretence of that supposition was so much alarmed that she could
not stand and was fain to have recourse to a smelling bottle
The bride who understood the whole mystery was the only person that acted
with deliberation and composure she imputed Emilias disorder to the right
cause which was no other than concern for the condition of her lover and
assured the ladies there was nothing extraordinary in Mr Pickles going off he
being subject to fainting fits by which he was often overtaken without any
previous notice The arrival of Gauntlet confirmed the truth of this
declaration he made an apology to the company in the name of his friend who
he told them was suddenly taken ill and they returned to their diversion of
dancing with this variation Emilia was so disordered and fatigued that she
begged to be excused from continuing the exercise and Peregrines partner being
disengaged was paired with the young officer for whom she was originally
designed
Mean while the bride withdrew into another apartment with her sister and
expostulated with her upon her cruelty to Mr Pickle assuring her from
Godfreys information that he had undergone a severe fit on her account which
in all likelihood would have a dangerous effect upon his constitution Tho
Emily was inflexible in her answers to the kind remonstrances of the gentle
Sophy her heart was melting with the impressions of pity and love and finding
herself unable to perform the duty of her function in putting the bride to bed
she retired to her own chamber and in secret sympathized with the distemper
of her lover
In the morning as early as decency would permit him to leave the arms of
his dear wife captain Gauntlet made a visit to Peregrine who had passed a very
tedious and uneasy night having been subject to short intervals of delirium
during which Pipes had found it very difficult to keep him fast belayed He
owned indeed to Godfrey that his imagination had been haunted by the ideas of
Emilia and her officer which tormented him to an unspeakable degree of anguish
and distraction and that he would rather suffer death than a repetition of such
excruciating reflections He was however comforted by his friend who assured
him that his sisters inclinations would in time prevail over all the
endeavours of resentment and pride illustrating this asseveration by an account
of the manner in which she was affected by the knowledge of his disorder and
advising him to implore the mediation of Sophy in a letter which she should
communicate to Emilia
This was an opportunity which our hero thought too favourable to be
neglected and therefore calling for paper he sat up in his bed and in the
first transports of his emotion wrote the following petition to Godfreys
amiable wife
Dear madam
The affliction of a contrite heart can never appeal to your
benevolence in vain and therefore I presume to approach you in this
season of delight with the language of sorrow requesting that you will
espouse the cause of an unhappy lover who mourns with unutterable
anguish over his ruined hope and interceed for my pardon with that
divine creature whom in the intemperance and excess of passion I have
so mortally offended Good heaven is my guilt inexpiable Am I excluded
from all hope of remission Am I devoted to misery and despair I have
offered all the atonement which the most perfect and sincere penitence
could suggest and she rejects my humility and repentance If her
resentment would pursue me to the grave let her signify her pleasure
and may I be branded with the name of villain and remembered with
infamy and detestation to all posterity if I hesitate one moment in
sacrificing a life which is odious to Emilia Ah madam while I thus
pour forth the effusions of my grief and distraction I look around the
apartment in which I lie and every wellknown object that salutes my
view recals to my remembrance that fond that happy day on which the
fair the good the tenderhearted Sophy became my advocate though I
was a stranger to her acquaintance and effected a transporting
reconciliation between me and that same inchanting beauty that is now
so implacably incensed If she is not satisfied with the pangs of
remorse and disappointment the transports of madness I have undergone
let her prescribe what farther penance she thinks I ought to endure and
when I decline her sentence let me be the object of her eternal
disdain
I commit myself dear madam dear Sophy dear partner of my friend
to your kind interposition I know you will manage my cause as a
concern on which my happiness intirely depends and I hope every thing
from your compassion and beneficence while I fear every thing from her
rigour and barbarity Yes I call it barbarity a savageness of delicacy
altogether inconsistent with the tenderness of human nature and may the
most abject contempt be my portion if I live under its infliction But
I begin to rave I conjure you by your own humanity and sweetness of
disposition I conjure you by your love for the man whom heaven hath
decreed your protector to employ your influence with that angel of
wrath in be half of
Your o bliged and
Obedient servant
P PICKLE
This epistle was immediately transmitted by Godfrey to his wife who perused it
with marks of the most humane sympathy and carrying it into her sisters
chamber »Here is something said she presenting the paper which I must
recommend to your serious attention« Emilia who immediately guessed the
meaning of this address absolutely refused to look upon it or even to hear it
read till her brother entering the apartment reprimanded her sharply for her
obstinacy and pride accused her of folly and dissimulation and entered so
warmly into the interests of his friend that she thought him unkind in his
remonstrances and bursting into a flood of tears reproached him with
partiality and want of affection Godfrey who entertained the most perfect love
and veneration for his sister asked pardon for having given offence and
kissing the drops from her fair eyes beggd she would for his sake listen to
the declaration of his friend
Thus sollicited she could not refuse to hear the letter which when he had
repeated she lamented her own fate in being the occasion of so much
uneasiness desired her brother to assure Mr Pickle that she was not a
voluntary enemy to his peace on the contrary she wished him all happiness
tho she hoped he would not blame her for consulting her own in avoiding any
future explanation or connexion with a person whose correspondence she found
herself under a necessity to renounce
In vain did the newmarried couple exhaust their eloquence in attempting to
prove that the reparation which our hero had offered was adequate to the injury
she had sustained that in reconciling herself to a penitent lover who
subscribed to her own terms of submission her honour would be acquitted by the
most scrupulous and severe judges of decorum and that her inflexibility would
be justly ascribed to the pride and insensibility of her heart She turned a
deaf ear to all their arguments exhortations and intreaties and threatened to
leave the house immediately if they would not promise to drop that subject of
discourse
Godfrey very much chagrined at the bad success of his endeavours returned
to his friend and made as favourable a report of the affair as the nature of
his conversation with Emilia would permit but as he could not avoid mentioning
her resolution in the close Peregrine was obliged to drink again the bitter
draught of disappointment which put his passions into such a state of
agitation as produced a short extasy of despair in which he acted a thousand
extravagancies This paroxysm however soon subsided into a settled reserve of
gloomy resentment which he in secret indulged detaching himself as soon as
possible from the company of the soldier on pretence of retiring to rest
While he lay ruminating upon the circumstances of his present situation his
friend Pipes who knew the cause of his anxiety and firmly believed that Emilia
loved his master in her heart howsoever she might attempt to disguise her
sentiments I say Thomas was taken with a conceit which he thought would set
every thing to rights and therefore put it in execution without farther delay
Laying aside his hat he ran directly to the house of Sophys father and
affecting an air of surprize and consternation to which he had never before
been subject thundered at the door with such an alarming knock as in a moment
brought the whole family into the hall When he was admitted he began to gape
stare and pant at the same time and made no reply when Godfrey asked what was
the matter till Mrs Gauntlet expressed her apprehensions about his master at
whose name being mentioned he seemed to make an effort to speak and in a
bellowing tone pronounced »Brought himself up split my topsails« So saying
he pointed to his own neck and rose upon his tiptoes by way of explaining the
meaning of his words
Godfrey without staying to ask another question rushed out and flew
towards the inn with the utmost horror and concern while Sophy who did not
rightly understand the language of the messenger addressing herself to him a
second time said with great earnestness »I hope no accident has happened to
Mr Pickle« »No accident at all replied Tom he has only hanged himself for
love« These words had scarce proceeded from his mouth when Emilia who stood
listening at the parlourdoor shrieked aloud and dropped down senseless upon
the floor while her sister who was almost equally shocked at the intelligence
had recourse to the assistance of her maid by whom she was supported from
falling
Pipes hearing Emilys voice congratulated himself upon the success of his
stratagem he sprung to her assistance and lifting her up into an easy chair
stood by her until he saw her recover from her swoon and heard her call upon
his masters name with all the frenzy of despairing love Then he bent his
course back to the inn overjoyed at the opportunity of telling Peregrine what a
confession he had extorted from his mistress and extremely vain of this proof
of his own sagacity
In the mean time Godfrey arriving at the house in which he supposed this
fatal catastrophe had happened ran up stairs to Peregrines chamber without
staying to make any inquiry below and finding the door locked burst it open
with one stroke of his foot But what was his amazement when upon entrance
our hero starting up from the bed saluted him with a boisterous exclamation of
»Zds whos there« He was struck dumb with astonishment which also rivetted
him to the place where he stood scarce crediting the testimony of his own
senses till Peregrine with an air of discontent which denoted him displeased
with his intrusion dispelled his apprehension by a second address saying »I
see you consider me as a friend by your using me without ceremony«
The soldier thus convinced of the falsehood of the information he had
received began to imagine that Pickle had projected the plan which was
executed by his servant and looking upon it as a piece of unjustifiable
finesse which might be attended with very melancholy consequences to his sister
or wife he answered in a supercilious tone that he must blame himself for the
interruption of his repose which was intirely owing to the sorry jest he had
set on foot
Pickle who was the child of passion and more than half mad with impatience
before this visit hearing himself treated in such a cavalier manner advanced
close up to Godfreys breast and assuming a stern or rather frantic
countenance »Heark ye Sir said he you are mistaken if you think I jest I
am in downright earnest I assure you« Gauntlet who was not a man to be
browbeaten seeing himself thus bearded by a person of whose conduct he had he
thought reason to complain put on his military look of defiance and erecting
his chest replied with an exalted voice »Mr Pickle whether you was in jest
or earnest you must give me leave to tell you that the scheme was childish
unseasonable and unkind not to give it an harsher term« »Death Sir cried
our adventurer you trifle with my disquiet if there is any meaning in your
insinuation explain yourself and then I shall know what answer it will befit
me to give« »I came with very different sentiments resumed the soldier but
since you urge me to expostulation and behave with such unprovoked loftiness of
displeasure I will without circumlocution tax you with having committed an
outrage upon the peace of my family in sending your fellow to alarm us with
such an abrupt account of your having done violence upon yourself« Peregrine
confounded at this imputation stood silent with a most savage aspect of
surprize eager to know the circumstance to which his accuser alluded and
incensed to find it without the sphere of his comprehension
While these two irritated friends stood fronting each other with mutual
indignation in their eyes and attitudes they were joined by Pipes who without
taking the least notice of the situation in which he found them told his
master that he might up with the topgallantmasts of his heart and out with
his rejoicing pendants for as to mistress Emily he had clapt her helm
aweather the vessel wore and now she was upon the other tack standing right
into the harbour of his good will
Peregrine who was not yet a connoisseur in the terms of his lacquey
commanded him upon pain of his displeasure to be more explicit in his
intelligence and by dint of divers questions obtained a perfect knowledge of
the scheme which he had put in execution for his service This information
perplexed him not a little he would have chastised his servant upon the spot
for his temerity had not he plainly perceived that the fellows intention was
to promote his ease and satisfaction and on the other hand he knew not how to
acquit himself of the suspicion which he saw Godfrey entertain of his being the
projector of the plan without condescending to an explanation which his
present disposition could not brook After some pause however turning to
Pipes with a severe frown »Rascal said he this is the second time I have
suffered in the opinion of that lady by your ignorance and presumption if ever
you intermeddle in my affairs for the future without express order and
direction by all thats sacred I will put you to death without mercy Away
and let my horse be saddled this instant«
Pipes having withdrawn in order to perform this piece of duty our young
gentleman addressing himself again to the soldier and laying his hand upon his
breast said with a solemnity of regard »Captain Gauntlet upon my honour I am
altogether innocent of that shallow device which you impute to my invention and
I dont think you do justice either to my intellects or honour in supposing me
capable of such insolent absurdity As for your sister I have once in my life
affronted her in the madness and impetuosity of desire but I have made such
acknowledgements and offered such atonement as few women of her sphere would
have refused and before God I am determined to endure every torment of
disappointment and despair rather than prostrate myself again to the cruelty of
her unjustifiable pride« So saying he stalked suddenly down stairs and took
horse immediately his spirits being supported by resentment which prompted him
to vow within himself that he would seek consolation for the disdain of Emilia
in the possession of the first willing wench he should meet upon the road
While he set out for the garison with these sentiments Gauntlet in a
suspence between anger shame and concern returned to the house of his
fatherinlaw where he found his sister still violently agitated from the news
of Peregrines death the mystery of which he forth with unravelled recounting
at the same time the particulars of the conversation which had happened at the
inn and describing the demeanour of Pickle with some expressions of asperity
which were neither agreeable to Emilia nor approved by the gentle Sophy who
tenderly chid him for allowing Peregrine to depart in terms of
misunderstanding
Chapter XCV
Peregrine sets out for the Garison and meets with a Nymph of the Road whom he
takes into Keeping and metamorphoses into a fine Lady
In the mean time our hero jogged along in a profound reverie which was
disturbed by a beggarwoman and her daughter who solicited him for alms as he
passed them on the road The girl was about the age of sixteen and
notwithstanding the wretched equipage in which she appeared exhibited to his
view a set of agreeable features enlivened with the complexion of health and
chearfulness The resolution I have already mentioned was still warm in his
imagination and he looked upon this young mendicant as a very proper object for
the performance of his vow He therefore entered into a conference with the
mother and for a small sum of money purchased her property in the wench who
did not require much courtship and intreaty before she consented to accompany
him to any place that he should appoint for her habitation
This contract being settled to his satisfaction he ordered Pipes to seat
his acquisition behind him upon the crupper and alighting at the first public
house which they found upon the road he wrote a letter to Hatchway desiring
him to receive this hedgeinamorata and direct her to be cleaned and cloathed
in a decent manner with all expedition so that she should be touchable upon
his arrival which on that account he would defer for the space of one day
This billet together with the girl he committed to the charge of Pipes after
having laid strong injunctions upon him to abstain from all attempts upon her
chastity and ordered him to make the best of his way to the garison while he
himself crossed the country to a markettown where he proposed to spend the
night
Tom thus cautioned proceeded with his charge and being naturally taciturn
opened not his lips until he had performed the best half of his journey But
Thomas notwithstanding his irony appearance was in reality composed of flesh
and blood and his desire being titillated by the contact of a buxome wench
whose right arm embraced his middle as he rode his thoughts began to mutiny
against his master and he found it almost impossible to withstand the
temptation of making love
Nevertheless he wrestled with these rebellious suggestions with all the
reason that God had enabled him to exert and that being totally overcome his
victorious passion suddenly broke out in this address »Sblood a believe
master thinks I have no more stuff in my body than a dried haddock to turn me
adrift in the dark with such a spanker Dye think he dont my dear« To this
question his fellowtraveller replied »Swanker Anan« And the lover resumed
his suit saying »Oons how you tickle my timbers Something shoots from your
arm through my stowage to the very keelstone Hant you got quicksilver in
your hand« »Quicksilver said the lady Dn the silver that has crossed my
hand this month Dye think if I had silver I shouldnt buy me a smock«
»Addsooks ye baggage cried the lover you shouldnt want a smock nor a
petticoat neither if you could have a kindness for a truehearted sailor as
sound and strong as a nine inch cable that would keep all clear aboveboard
and every thing snug under the hatches« »Curse your gum said the charmer
whats your gay balls and your hatchets to me« »Do but let us bring to a
little answered the wooer whose appetite was by this time whetted to a most
ravenous degree and Ill teach you to box the compass my dear Ah you
strapper what a jolly bitch you are« »Bitch exclaimed this modern Dulcinea
incensed at the opprobrious term such a bitch as your mother you dog Dn ye
Ive a good mind to box your jaws instead of your comepiss Ill let you know as
how I am meat for your master you saucy blackguard You are worse than a dog
you old flintyfaced fleabitten scrub a dog wears his own coat but you wear
your masters«
Such a torrent of disgraceful epithets from a person who had no cloaths at
all converted the gallants love into choler and he threatened to dismount and
seize her to a tree when she should have a taste of his cat and nine tails
athwart her quarters but instead of being intimidated by his menaces she set
him at defiance and held forth with such a flow of eloquence as would have
intitled her to a considerable share of reputation even among the nymphs of
Billingsgate for this young lady over and above a natural genius for
altercation had her talents cultivated among the venerable society of weeders
podders and hoppers with whom she had associated from her tender years No
wonder then that she soon obtained a compleat victory over Pipes who as the
reader may have observed was very little addicted to the exercise of speech
indeed he was utterly disconcerted by her volubility of tongue and being
altogether unfurnished with answers to the distinct periods of her discourse
very wisely chose to save himself the expence of breath and argument by giving
her a full swing of cable so that she might bring herself up while he rode
onwards in silent composure without taking any farther notice of his fair
fellowtraveller than if she had been his masters cloakbag
In spite of all the dispatch he could make it was late before he arrived at
the garison where he delivered the letter and the lady to the lieutenant who
no sooner understood the intention of his friend than he ordered all the tubs
in the house to be carried into the hall and filled with water and Tom having
provided himself with swabs and brushes divested the fair stranger of her
variegated drapery which was immediately committed to the flames and performed
upon her soft and sleek person the ceremony of scrubbing as it is practised on
board of the kings ships of war Yet the nymph herself did not submit to this
purification without repining she cursd the director who was upon the spot
with many abusive allusions to his wooden leg and as for Pipes the operator
she employed her talons so effectually upon his face that the blood ran over
his nose in sundry streams and next morning when those rivulets were dry his
countenance resembled the rough bark of a plumtree plastered with gum
Nevertheless he did his duty with great perseverance cut off her hair close to
the scalp handled his brushes with dexterity applied his swabs of different
magnitude and texture as the case required and lastly rinsed her whole body
with a dozen pails of cold water discharged upon her head
These ablutions being executed he dried her with towels accommodated her
with a clean shift and acting the part of a valet de chambre cloathed her from
head to foot in clean and decent apparel which had belonged to Mrs Hatchway
by which means her appearance was altered so much for the better that when
Peregrine arrived next day he would scarce believe his own eyes He was for
that reason extremely well pleased with his purchase and now resolved to
indulge a whim which seized him at the very instant of his arrival
He had as I believe the reader will readily allow made considerable
progress in the study of character from the highest rank to the most humble
station of life and found it diversified in the same manner thro every degree
of subordination and precedency nay he moreover observed that the
conversation of those who are dignified with the appellation of polite company
is neither more edifying nor entertaining than that which is met with among the
lower classes of mankind and that the only essential difference in point of
demeanor is the form of an education which the meanest capacity can acquire
without much study or application Possessed of this notion he determined to
take the young mendicant under his own tutorage and instruction In consequence
of which he hoped he should in a few weeks be able to produce her in company
as an accomplished young lady of uncommon wit and an excellent understanding
This extravagant plan he forthwith began to execute with great eagerness and
industry and his endeavours succeeded even beyond his expectation The
obstacle in surmounting of which he found the greatest difficulty was an
inveterate habit of swearing which had been indulged from her infancy and
confirmed by the example of those among whom she had lived However she had the
rudiments of good sense from nature which taught her to listen to wholsome
advice and was so docile as to comprehend and retain the lessons which her
governor recommended to her attention insomuch that he ventured in a few
days to present her at table among a set of country squires to whom she was
introduced as a niece of the lieutenant In that capacity she sat with becoming
easiness of mien for she was as void of the mauvaise honte as any dutchess in
the land bowed very graciously to the compliments of the gentlemen and tho
she said little or nothing because she was previously cautioned on that score
she more than once gave way to laughter and her mirth happened to be pretty
well timed In a word she attracted the applause and admiration of the guests
who after she was withdrawn complimented Mr Hatchway upon the beauty
breeding and good humour of his kinswoman
But what contributed more than any other circumstance to her speedy
improvement was some small insight into the primer which she had acquired at a
dayschool during the life of her father who was a daylabourer in the
country Upon this foundation did Peregrine build a most elegant superstructure
he culled out choice sentences from Shakespear Otway and Pope and taught her
to repeat them with emphasis and theatrical cadence he then instructed her in
the names and epithets of the most celebrated players which he directed her to
pronounce occasionally with an air of careless familiarity and perceiving that
her voice was naturally clear he enriched it with remnants of opera tunes to
be hummed during a pause in conversation which is generally supplied with the
circulation of a pinch of snuff By means of this cultivation she became a
wonderful proficient in the polite graces of the age she with great facility
comprehended the scheme of whist tho cribbidge was her favourite game with
which she had amused herself in her vacant hours from her first entrance into
the profession of hopping and brag soon grew familiar to her practice and
conception
Thus prepared she was exposed to the company of her own sex being first of
all visited by the parsons daughter who could not avoid shewing that civility
to Mr Hatchways niece after she had made her public appearance at church
Mrs Clover who had a great share of penetration could not help entertaining
some doubts about this same relation whose name she had never heard the uncle
mention during the whole term of her residence at the garison but as the young
lady was treated in that character she would not refuse her acquaintance and
after having seen her at the castle actually invited Miss Hatchway to her
house In short she made a progress thro almost all the families in the
neighbourhood and by dint of her quotations which by the bye were not
always judiciously used she passed for a sprightly young lady of uncommon
learning and taste
Peregrine having in this manner initiated her in the beau monde of the
country conducted her to London where she was provided with private lodgings
and a female attendant and put her immediately under the tuition of his valet
de chambre who had orders to instruct her in dancing and the French language
He attended her to plays and concerts three or four times a week and when our
hero thought her sufficiently accustomed to the sight of great company he
squired her in person to a public assembly and danced with her among all the
gay ladies of fashion not but that there was still an evident air of rusticity
and aukwardness in her demeanor which was interpreted into an agreeable
wildness of spirit superior to the forms of common breeding He afterwards
found means to make her acquainted with some distinguished patterns of her own
sex by whom she was admitted into their most elegant parties and continued to
make good her pretensions to gentility with great circumspection till one
evening being at cards with a certain lady whom she detected in the very fact
of unfair conveyance she taxed her roundly with the fraud and brought upon
herself such a torrent of sarcastic reproof as overbore all her maxims of
caution and burst open the floodgates of her own natural repartee twanged off
with the appellations of b and w which she repeated with great vehemence
in an attitude of manual defiance to the terror of her antagonist and the
astonishment of all present nay to such an unguarded pitch was she provoked
that starting up she snapt her fingers in testimony of disdain and as she
quitted the room applied her hand to that part which was the last of her that
disappeared inviting the company to kiss it by one of its coarsest
denominations
Peregrine was a little disconcerted at this oversight in her behaviour
which by the dæmon of intelligence was in a moment conveyed to all the private
companies in town so that she was absolutely excluded from all polite
communication and Peregrine for the present disgraced among the modest part
of his female acquaintance many of whom not only forbad him their houses on
account of the impudent insult he had committed upon their honour as well as
understanding in palming a common trull upon them as a young lady of birth and
education but also aspersed his family by affirming that she was actually his
own cousingerman whom he had precipitately raised from the most abject state
of humility and contempt In revenge for this calumny our young gentleman
explained the whole mystery of her promotion together with the motives that
induced him to bring her into the fashionable world and repeated among his
companions the extravagant encomiums which had been bestowed upon her by the
most discerning matrons of the age
Mean while the infanta herself being rebuked by her benefactor for this
instance of misbehaviour promised faithfully to keep a stricter guard for the
future over her conduct and applied herself with great assiduity to the
studies in which she was assisted by the Swiss who gradually lost the freedom
of his heart while she was profiting by his instruction In other words she
made a conquest of her preceptor who yielding to the instigations of the flesh
chose a proper opportunity to declare his passion which was powerfully
recommended by his personal qualifications and his intentions being honourable
she listened to his proposals of espousing her in private In consequence of
this agreement they made an elopement together and being buckled at the fleet
consummated their nuptials in private lodgings by the Seven Dials from which
the husband next morning sent a letter to our hero begging forgiveness for the
clandestine step he had taken which he solemnly protested was not owing to any
abatement in his inviolable regard for his master whom he should always honour
and esteem to his latest breath but intirely to the irresistible charms of the
young lady to whom he was now so happy as to be joined in the silken bonds of
marriage
Peregrine tho at first offended at his valets presumption was upon
second thoughts reconciled to the event by which he was delivered from an
incumbrance for by this time he had performed his frolick and begun to be
tired of his acquisition He reflected on the former fidelity of the Swiss
which had been manifested in a long course of service and attachment and
thinking it would be cruelly severe to abandon him to poverty and distress for
one venial trespass he resolved to pardon what he had done and enable him in
some shape to provide for the family which he had intailed upon himself
With these sentiments he sent a favourable answer to the delinquent
desiring to see him as soon as his passion would permit him to leave the arms of
his spouse for an hour or two and Hadgi in obedience to this intimation
repaired immediately to the lodgings of his master before whom he appeared with
a most penitential aspect Peregrine tho he could scarce help laughing at his
rueful length of face reprimanded him sharply for his disrespect and
ingratitude in taking that by stealth which he might have had for asking and
the culprit assured him that next to the vengeance of God his displeasure was
that which of all evils he dreaded to incur but that love had distracted his
brain in such a manner as to banish every other consideration but that of
gratifying his desire and he owned that he should not have been able to
preserve his fidelity and duty to his own father had they interfered with the
interest of his passion He then appealed to his masters own heart for the
remission of his guilt alluding to certain circumstances of our heros conduct
which evinced the desperate effects of love In short he made such an apology
as extorted a smile from his offended judge who not only forgave his
transgression but also promised to put him in some fair way of earning a
comfortable subsistence
The Swiss was so much affected with this instance of generosity that he
fell upon his knees and kissed his hand praying to heaven with great fervour
to make him worthy of such goodness and condescension His scheme he said was
to open a coffeehouse and tavern in some creditable part of the town in hopes
of being favoured with the custom of a numerous acquaintance he had made among
upper servants and reputable tradesmen not doubting that his wife would be an
ornament to his bar and a careful manager of his affairs Peregrine approved of
the plan towards the execution of which he made him and his wife a present of
five hundred pounds together with a promise of erecting a weekly club among his
friends for the reputation and advantage of the house
Hadgi was so transported with his good fortune that he ran to Pipes who
was in the room and having hugged him with great cordiality and made his
obeisance to his master hied him home to his yokefellow to communicate his
happiness cutting capers and talking to himself all the way
Chapter XCVI
He is visited by Pallet contracts an Intimacy with a Newmarket Nobleman and
is by the Knowingones taken in
This affair being settled and our adventurer for the present free of all
female connexions he returned to his former course of fast living among the
bucks of the town and performed innumerable exploits among whores bullies
rooks constables and justices of the peace
In the midst of these occupations he was one morning visited by his old
fellowtraveller Pallet whose appearance gave him equal surprize and concern
Tho the weather was severe he was cloathed in the thin summerdress which he
had wore at Paris and was now not only threadbare but in some parts actually
patched his stockings by a repetition of that practice known among oeconomists
by the term of coaxing hung like puddingbags about his ankles his shirt tho
newwashd was of the saffron hue and in divers places appeared through the
crannies of his breeches he had exchanged his own hair for a smokedryd
tyeperiwig which all the flour in his drudgingbox had not been able to
whiten his eyes were sunk his jaws lengthened beyond their usual extension
and he seemed twenty years older than he looked when he and our hero parted at
Rotterdam
In spite of all these evidences of decay he accosted him with a meagre
affectation of content and good humour struggled piteously to appear gay and
unconcerned professed his joy at seeing him in England excused himself for
having delayed so long to come and present his respects alledging that since
his return he had been a meer slave to the satisfaction of some persons of
quality and taste who had insisted upon his finishing some pieces with the
utmost expedition
Peregrine received him with that compassion and complaisance which was
natural to his disposition inquired about the healths of Mrs Pallet and his
family and asked if his friend the doctor was in town The painter seemed to
have resumed his resentment against that gentleman of whom he spoke in
contemptuous terms »The doctor said he is so much overshadowed with
presumption and selfconceit that his merit has no relief It does not rise
There is no keeping in the picture my dear Sir All the same as if I were to
represent the moon under a cloud there would be nothing but a deep mass of
shade with a little tiny speck of light in the middle which would only serve
to make as it were the darkness visible You understand me Had he taken my
advice it might have been better for him but hes bigotted to his own opinion
You must know Mr Pickle upon our return to England I counselled him to
compose a little smart clever ode upon my Cleopatra As Gad shall judge me I
thought it would have been of some service in helping him out of obscurity for
you know as Sir Richard observes
Soon will that die which adds thy fame to mine
Let me then live joind to a work of thine
By the bye there is a most picturesque contrast in these lines of thy and me
living and dying and thine and mine Ah a pize upon it Dick after all was
the man Ecod he rounded it off But to return to this unhappy young man
would you believe it he tossed up his nose at my friendly proposal and gabbled
something in Greek which is not worth repeating The case was this my dear
Sir he was out of humour at the neglect of the world He thought the poets of
the age were jealous of his genius and strove to crush it accordingly while
the rest of mankind wanted taste sufficient to discern it For my own part I
profess myself one of these and as the clown in Billy Shakespear says of the
courtiers oath had I sworn by the doctors genius that the pancakes were
naught they might have been for all that very good yet shouldnt I have been
forsworn Let that be as it will he retired from town in great dudgeon and set
up his rest near a hill in Derbyshire with two tops resembling Parnassus and
a well at the bottom which he had christened HypotheGreen Egad if he stays
in that habitation tis my opinion hell soon grow green with the hip indeed
Hell be glad of an opportunity to return to the fleshpots of Egypt and pay
his court to the slighted queen Cleopatra Ha well remembered by this light
You shall know my good Sir that this same Egyptian princess has been courted
by so many gallants of taste that as I hope to live I found myself in some
sort of a dilemma because in parting with her to one I should have disobliged
all his rivals Now a man would not chuse to give offence to his friends at
least I lay it down as a maxim to avoid the smallest appearance of ingratitude
Perhaps I may be in the wrong But every man has his way For this reason I
proposed to all the candidates that a lottery or raffle should be set on foot
by which every individual would have an equal chance for her good graces and
the prize to be left to the decision of fortune The scheme was mightily
relished and the terms being such a trifle as half a guinea the whole town
crouded into my house in order to subscribe But there I was their humble
servant Gentlemen you must have a little patience till my own particular
friends are served Among that number I do myself the honour to consider Mr
Pickle Here is a copy of the proposals and if the list should be adorned with
his name I hope notwithstanding his merited success among the young ladies he
will for once be shunned by that little vixen called Miss Fortune he he he«
So saying he bowed with a thousand apish congês and presented his paper to
Peregrine who seeing the number of subscribers was limited to one hundred said
he thought him too moderate in his expectations as he did not doubt that his
picture would be a cheap purchase at five hundred instead of fifty pounds at
which the price was fixed To this unexpected remark Pallet answered that among
connoisseurs he would not pretend to appraise his picture but that in valuing
his works he was obliged to have an eye to the Gothic ignorance of the age in
which he lived
Our adventurer saw at once into the nature of this raffle which was no
other than a begging shift to dispose of a paultry piece that he could not
otherwise have sold for twenty shillings However far from shocking the poor
man in distress by dropping the least hint of his conjecture he desired to be
favoured with six chances if the circumstances of his plan would indulge him so
far and the painter after some hesitation condescended to comply with his
request out of pure friendship and veneration tho he observed that in so
doing he must exclude some of his most intimate companions Having received the
money he gave Pickle his address desiring he would with his convenience
visit the princess who he was sure would display her most engaging
attractions in order to captivate his fancy and took his leave extremely well
pleased with the success of his application
Tho Peregrine was tempted with the curiosity of seeing this portrait which
he imagined must contain some analogy to the ridiculous oddity of the painter
he would not expose himself to the disagreeable alternative of applauding the
performance contrary to the dictates of conscience and common sense or of
condemning it to the unspeakable mortification of the miserable author and
therefore never dreamt of returning the painters visit nor did he ever hear of
the lotterys being drawn
About this time he was invited to spend a few weeks at the countryseat of a
certain nobleman with whom he had contracted an acquaintance in the course of
his debauches which we have already described and his lordship being
remarkable for his skill and success in horseracing his house was continually
filled with the connoisseurs and admirers of that sport upon which the whole
conversation turned insomuch that Peregrine gradually imbibed some knowledge in
horseflesh and the diversions of the course for the whole occupation of the
day exclusive of eating and drinking consisted in viewing managing and
exercising his lordships stud
Our hero looked upon these amusements with an eye of taste as well as
curiosity he contemplated the animal as a beautiful and elegant part of the
creation and relished the surprising exertion of its speed with a refined and
classical delight In a little time he became personally acquainted with every
horse in the stable and interested himself in the reputation of each while he
also gratified his appetite for knowledge in observing the methods of preparing
their bodies and training them to the race His landlord saw and encouraged his
eagerness from which he promised himself some advantage he formed several
private matches for his entertainment and flattered his discernment by
permitting him to be successful in the first betts he made Thus was he artfully
decoyed into a spirit of keenness and adventure and disposed to depend upon his
own judgment in opposition to that of people who had made coursing the sole
study of their lives He accompanied my lord to Newmarket and entering at once
into the genius of the place was marked as fair game by all the knowing ones
there assembled many of whom found means to take him in in spite of all the
cautions and admonitions of his lordship who wanted to reserve him for his own
use
It is almost impossible for any man let him be never so fearful or
phlegmatic to be an unconcerned spectator in this busy scene The dæmon of play
hovers in the air like a pestilential vapour tainting the minds of all present
with infallible infection which communicates from one person to another like
the circulation of a general pannic Peregrine was seized with this epidemic
distemper to a violent degree and after having lost a few loose hundreds in
his progress through the various rookeries of the place entered into
partnership with his noble friend in a grand match upon the issue of which he
ventured no less than three thousand pounds Indeed he would not have risqued
such a considerable sum had not his own confidence been reinforced by the
opinion and concurrence of his lordship who hazarded an equal bett upon the
same event These two associates engaged themselves in the penalty of six
thousand pounds to run one chaise and four against another three times round
the course and our adventurer had the satisfaction of seeing his antagonists
distanced in the first and second heat but all of a sudden one of the horses
of his machine was knocked up by which accident the victory was ravished
almost from his very grasp and he was obliged to endure the damage and the
scorn
He was deeply affected with this misfortune which he imputed to his own
extravagance and temerity but discovered no external signs of affliction
because his illustrious partner bore his loss with the most philosophic
resignation consoling himself as well as Pickle with the hope of making it
up on some other occasion Nevertheless our young gentleman could not help
admiring and even envying his equanimity not knowing that his lordship had
managed matters so as to be a gainer by the misfortune which to retrieve
Peregrine purchased several horses at the recommendation of his friend and
instead of returning to London made a tour with him to all the celebrated races
in England at which after several vicissitudes of fortune he made shift
before the end of the season to treble his loss
But his hopes seemed to increase with his ill luck and in the beginning of
winter he came to town fully persuaded that fortune must necessarily change
and that next season he should reap the happy fruits of his experience In this
confidence he seemed to drown all ideas of prudence and oeconomy his former
expence was mere parsimony compared with that which he now incurred he
subscribed to the opera and half a dozen concerts at different parts of the
town was a benefactor to several hospitals purchased a collection of valuable
pictures took an house and furnished it in a most magnificent taste laid in a
large stock of French wines and gave extravagant entertainments to his
qualityfriends who in return loaded him with compliment and insisted upon his
making use of their interest and goodwill
Chapter XCVII
He is taken into the Protection of a Great Man sets up for Member of
Parliament is disappointed in his Expectation and finds himself egregiously
outwitted
Among these professed patrons the greatest part of whom Peregrine saw thro
there was one great personage who seemed to support with dignity the sphere in
which fortune had placed him His behaviour to Pickle was not a series of
grinning complaisance in a flat repetition of general expressions of friendship
and regard He demeaned himself with a seemingly honest reserve in point of
profession his advances to Peregrine appeared to be the result of deliberation
and experiment he chid the young gentleman for his extravagance with the
authority of a parent and the sincerity of a fast friend and having by
gradual inquiries made himself acquainted with the state of his private
affairs condemned his conduct with an air of candour and concern He
represented to him the folly and dangerous consequences of the profligate life
in which he had plunged himself counselled him with great warmth to sell off
his racehorses which would otherwise insensibly eat him up to retrench all
superfluous expence which would only serve to expose him to the ridicule and
ingratitude of those who were benefited by it to lay out his money upon secure
mortgages at good interest and carry into execution his former design of
standing candidate for a borough at the ensuing election for a new parliament
in which case this nobleman promised to assist him with his influence and
advice assuring him that if he could once procure a seat in the house he
might look upon his fortune as already made
Our adventurer perceived the wisdom and sanity of this advice for which he
made his acknowledgments to his generous monitor protesting that he would
adhere to it in every particular and immediately set about a reformation He
accordingly took cognizance of his most minute affairs and after an exact
scrutiny gave his patron to understand that exclusive of his furniture his
fortune was reduced to fourteen thousand three hundred and thirty pounds in
Bank and SouthSea annuities over and above the garison and its appendages
which he reckoned at sixty pounds a year He therefore desired that as his
lordship had been so kind as to favour him with his friendship and advice he
would extend his generosity still farther by putting him in a way of making the
most advantage of his money My lord said that for his own part he did not
chuse to meddle in money that he would find abundance of people ready to borrow
it upon landsecurity but that he ought to be extremely cautious in a
transaction of such consequence promising at the same time to employ his own
steward in seeking out a mortgager to whom it might be safely lent
This agent was accordingly set at work and for a few days made a fruitless
inquiry so that the young gentleman was obliged to have recourse to his own
intelligence by which he got notice of several people of reputed credit who
offered him mortgages for the whole sum but when he made a report of the
particulars to his noble friend his lordship started such doubts and objections
relating to each that he was deterred from entering into any engagements with
the proposers congratulating himself in the mean time on his good fortune in
being favoured with the advice and direction of such a sage counsellor
Nevertheless he began to be impatient after having unsuccessfully consulted
all the moneybrokers and conveyancers about town and resolved to try the
expedient of a public advertisement But he was persuaded by my lord to postpone
that experiment until every other method should have failed because it would
attract the attention of all the pettifoggers in London who though they might
not be able to overreach would infallibly harrass and teize him out of all
tranquillity
It was on the back of this conversation that Peregrine chancing to meet the
steward near his lords house stopped him in the street to give him an account
of his bad luck at which the other expressed some concern and rubbing his chin
with his hand in a musing posture told Pickle there was a thought just come
into his head pointing out one way of doing his business effectually The
youth upon this intimation beggd he would accompany him to the next
coffeehouse in which having chosen a private situation this grave manager
gave him to understand that a part of my lords estate was mortgaged in
consequence of a debt contracted by his grandfather for provision to the
younger children of the family and that the equity of redemption would be
foreclosed in a few months unless the burthen could be discharged »My lord
said he has always lived in a splendid manner and notwithstanding his ample
fortune together with the profits accruing from the posts he enjoys he saves
so little money that upon this occasion I know he will be obliged to borrow
ten thousand pounds to make up the sum that is requisite to redeem the
mortgage Now certain I am that when his design comes to be known he will be
sollicited on all hands by people desirous of lending money upon such undoubted
security and tis odds but he has already promised the preference to some
particular acquaintance However as I know he has your interest very much at
heart I will if you please sound his lordship upon the subject and in a day
or two give you notice of my success«
Peregrine ravished with the prospect of settling this affair so much to his
satisfaction thanked the steward for his friendly hint and undertaking which
he assured him should be acknowledged by a more solid proof of his gratitude
provided the business could be brought to bear and next day he was visited by
this kind manager with the happy news of his lordships having consented to
borrow ten thousand pounds of his stock upon mortgage at the interest of five
per Cent This information he received as an instance of the singular esteem of
his noble patron and the papers being immediately drawn and executed the money
was deposited in the hands of the mortgager who in the hearing of the lender
laid strong injunctions on his steward to pay the interest punctually at
quarterday
The best part of our heros fortune being thus happily deposited and the
agent gratified with a present of fifty pieces he began to put his retrenching
scheme in execution all his servants Pipes excepted were discharged his
chariot and runninghorses disposed of his housekeeping broke up and his
furniture sold by auction nay the heat of his disposition was as remarkable in
this as in any other transaction of his life for every step of his saving
project was taken with such eagerness and even precipitation that most of his
companions thought he was either ruined or mad But he answered all their
expostulations with a string of prudent apophthegms such as »The shortest
follies are the best« »Better to retrench upon conviction than compulsion« and
divers other wise maxims seemingly the result of experience and philosophic
reflection To such a degree of enthusiasm did his present oeconomy prevail
that he was actually seized with the desire of amassing and as he every day
received proposals from those brokers whom he had employed about the disposal
of his cash he at length ventured fifteen hundred pounds upon bottomry being
tempted by the excessive premium
But it must be observed for the honour of our adventurer that this
reformation did not at all interfere with the good qualities of his heart he
was still as friendly and benevolent as ever tho his liberality was more
subjected to the restraint of reason and he might have justly pleaded in
vindication of his generosity that he retrenched the superfluities in his own
way of living in order to preserve the power of assisting his fellowcreatures
in distress Numberless were the objects to which he extended his charity in
private Indeed he exerted this virtue in secret not only on account of
avoiding the charge of ostentation but also because he was ashamed of being
detected in such an awkward unfashionable practice by the censorious observers
of this humane generation In this particular he seemed to confound the ideas
of virtue and vice for he did good as other people do evil that is by
stealth and was so capricious in point of behaviour that frequently in
public he wagged his tongue in satirical animadversions upon that poverty
which his hand had in private relieved Yet far from shunning the
acquaintance or discouraging the solicitation of those who he thought wanted
his assistance he was always accessible open and complacent to them even
when the haughtiness of his temper kept his superiors at a distance and often
saved a modest man the anguish and confusion of declaring himself by
penetrating into his necessity and anticipating his request in a frank offer
of his purse and friendship
Not that he practised this beneficence to all the needy of his acquaintance
without distinction there is always a set of idle profligate fellows who
having squandered away their own fortunes and conquered all sense of honour and
shame maintain themselves by borrowing from those who have not yet finished the
same career and want resolution to resist their importunate demands To these
he was always inflexible though he could not absolutely detach himself from
their company because by dint of effrontery and such of their original
connexions as they have been able to retain they find admission to all places
of fashionable resort
Several insuccessful attacks had been made upon his pocket by beggars of
this class one of the most artful of whom having one day joined him in the
Mall and made the usual observation on the weather damned the fogs of London
and began a dissertation on the difference of air preferring that of the county
in which he was born to any climate under the sun »Was you ever in
Gloucestershire« said he to Peregrine who replying in the negative he thus
went on »I have got a house there where I should be glad to see you Let us go
down together during the Easterholidays I can promise you good countryfare
and wholesome exercise for I have every thing within myself and as good a pack
of foxhounds as any in the three kingdoms I shant pretend to expatiate upon
the elegance of the house which to be sure is an old building and these you
know are generally cold and not very convenient But curse the house the
dirty acres about it are the thing and a damnd fine parcel they are to be
sure If my old grandmother was dead she cant live another season for shes
turned of fourscore and quite wore out nay as for that matter I believe I
have got a letter in my pocket giving an account of her being despaired of by
the doctors Let me see No dn it I left it at home in the pocket of
another coat«
Pickle who from the beginning of this harangue saw its tendency seemed to
yield the most serious attention to what he said breaking in upon it every now
and then with the interjections Hum Ha The deuce and several civil
questions from which the other conceived happy omens of success till
perceiving they had advanced as far as the passage into St Jamess the
mischievous youth interrupted him all at once saying »I see you are for the
end of the walk this is my way« With these words he took his leave of the
saunterer who would have delayed his retreat by calling to him aloud that he
had not yet described the situation of his castle But Peregrine without
stopping answered in the same tone »Another time will do as well« and in a
moment disappeared leaving the projector very much mortified with his
disappointment for his intention was to close the description with a demand of
twenty pieces to be repaid out of the first remittance he should receive from
his estate
It would have been well for our hero had he always acted with the same
circumspection but he had his unguarded moments in which he fell a prey to the
unsuspecting integrity of his own heart There was a person among the number of
his acquaintances whose conversation he particularly relished because it was
frank agreeable and fraught with many sensible observations upon the craft and
treachery of mankind This gentleman had made shift to discuss a very genteel
fortune though it was spent with taste and reputation and now was reduced to
his shifts for the maintenance of his family which consisted of a wife and
child Not that he was destitute of the necessaries of life being comfortably
supplied by the bounty of his friends but this was a provision not at all
suited to his inclination and he had endeavoured by divers unsuccessful
schemes to retrieve his former independency
Peregrine happened one evening to be sitting alone in a coffeehouse where
he overheard a conversation between this schemer and another gentleman
touching an affair that engaged his attention The stranger had been left
trustee for fifteen hundred pounds bequeathed to the others daughter by an
aunt and was strongly solicited to pay the money to the childs father who
assured him he had then an opportunity to lay it out in such a manner as would
greatly conduce to the advantage of his family The trustee reminded him of the
nature of his charge which made him accountable for the money until the child
should have attained the age of eighteen but at the same time gave him to
understand that if he could procure such security as would indemnify him from
the consequences he would forthwith pay the legacy into his hands To this
proposal the father replied that it was not to be supposed he would risque the
fortune of his only child upon any idle or precarious issue and therefore he
thought it reasonable that he should have the use of it in the mean time and
that as to security he was loth to trouble any of his friends about an affair
which might be compromised without their interposition observing that he would
not look upon his condescension as a favour if obtained by a security on which
he could borrow the same sum from any usurer in town
After much importunity on one side and evasion on the other the moneyd
gentleman told him that though he would not surrender the sum deposited in his
hands for the use of his daughter he would lend him what he should have
occasion for in the mean time and if upon her being of age he should be able
to obtain her concurrence the money should be placed to her account provided
he could find any person of credit who would join with him in a bond for the
assurance of the lender This proviso was an obstruction which the other would
not have been able to surmount without great difficulty had not his cause been
espoused by our hero who thought it was pity a man of honour and understanding
should suffer in his principal concerns on such a paultry consideration He
therefore presuming on his acquaintance interposed in the conversation as a
friend who interested himself in the affair and being fully informed of the
particulars offered himself as a security for the lender
This gentleman being a stranger to Peregrine was next day made acquainted
with his funds and without farther scruple accommodated his friend with one
thousand pounds for which he took their bond payable in six months though he
protested that the money should never be demanded until the infant should be of
age unless some accident should happen which he could not then foresee Pickle
believed this declaration sincere because he could have no interest in
dissembling but what he chiefly depended upon for his own security was the
integrity and confidence of the borrower who assured him that happen what
will he should be able to stand between him and all danger the nature of his
plan being such as would infallibly treble the sum in a very few months
In a little time after this transaction writs being issued out for electing
a new parliament our adventurer by the advice of his patron went into the
country in order to canvass for a borough and lined his pockets with a
competent share of banknotes for the occasion But in this project he
unfortunately happened to interfere with the interest of a great family in the
opposition who for a long series of years had made members for that place
and were now so much offended at the intrusion of our young gentleman that they
threatened to spend ten thousand pounds in frustrating his design This menace
was no other than an incitement to Peregrine who confided so much in his own
influence and address that he verily believed he should be able to baffle his
grace even in his own territories and by that victory establish his reputation
and interest with the minister who through the recommendation of his noble
friend countenanced his cause and would have been very well pleased to see one
of his greatest enemies suffer such a disgraceful overthrow which would have
moreover in a great measure shaken his credit with his faction
Our hero intoxicated with the ideas of pride and ambition put all his
talents to the test in the execution of this project He spared no expence in
treating the electors but finding himself rivalled in this respect by his
competitor who was powerfully supported he had recourse to those
qualifications in which he thought himself superior He made balls for the
ladies visited the matrons of the corporation adapted himself to their various
humours with surprising facility drank with those who loved a cherishing cup in
private made love to the amorous prayed with the religious gossiped with
those who delighted in scandal and with great sagacity contrived agreeable
presents to them all This was the most effectual method of engaging such
electors as were under the influence of their wives and as for the rest he
assailed them in their own way setting whole hogsheads of beer and wine
abroach for the benefit of all comers and into those sordid hearts that liquor
would not open he found means to convey himself by the help of a golden key
While he thus exerted himself his antagonist was not idle his age and
infirmities would not permit him to enter personally into their parties but his
steward and adherents bestirred themselves with great industry and perseverance
and the market for votes ran so high that Pickles ready money was exhausted
before the day of election and he was obliged to write to his patron an account
of the dilemma to which he was reduced intreating him to take such speedy
measures as would enable him to finish the business which he had so happily
begun
This nobleman communicated the circumstances of the case to the minister
and in a day or two our candidate found credit with the receivergeneral of the
county who lent him twelve hundred pounds on his personal note payable on
demand By means of this new supply he managed matters so successfully that an
evident majority of votes was secured in his interest and nothing could have
obstructed his election had not the noble peer who set up his competitor in
order to avoid the shame and mortification of being foiled in his own borough
offered to compromise the affair with his honour by giving up two members in
another place provided the opposition should cease in his own corporation This
proposal was greedily embraced and on the eve of election Peregrine received
an intimation from his patron desiring him to quit his pretensions on pain of
his and the ministers displeasure and promising that he should be elected for
another place
No other disappointment in life could have given him such chagrin as he felt
at the receit of this tantalizing order by which the cup of success was
snatched from his lip and all the vanity of his ambitious hope humbled in the
dust He cursd the whole chain of his court connexions inveighed with great
animosity against the rascally scheme of politicks to which he was sacrificed
and in conclusion swore he would not give up the fruits of his own address for
the pleasure of any minister upon earth This laudable resolution however was
rendered ineffectual by his friend the receivergeneral who was bearer of the
message and after having in vain endeavoured to persuade him to submission
fairly arrested him upon the spot for the money he had advanced this expedient
being performed by virtue of a writ which he had been advised to take out in
case the young man should prove refractory
The reader who by this time must be pretty well acquainted with the
disposition of our adventurer may easily conceive how he relished this
imprisonment At first all the faculties of his soul were swallowed up in
astonishment and indignation and some minutes elapsed before his nerves would
obey the impulse of his rage which manifested itself in such an application to
the temples of the plaintiff as laid him sprawling on the floor This assault
which was committed in a tavern whither he had been purposely decoyed attracted
the regard of the bailiff and his followers who to the number of four rushed
upon him at once in order to overpower him but his wrath inspired him with
such additional strength and agility that he disengaged himself from them in a
trice and seizing a poker which was the first weapon that presented itself to
his hand exercised it upon their skulls with incredible dexterity and
execution The officer himself who had been the first that presumed to lay
violent hands upon him felt the first effects of his fury in a blow upon the
jaws in consequence of which he lost three of his teeth and fell athwart the
body of the receiver with which he formd the figure of St Andrews cross one
of his myrmidons seeing the fate of his chief would not venture to attack the
victor in front but wheeling to one side made an attempt upon him in flank
and was received obliquely by our heros left hand and foot so masterly
disposed to the right side of his leg and the left side of his neck that he
bolted head foremost into the chimney where his chin was encountered by the
grate which in a moment seared him to the bone The rest of the detachment
did not think proper to maintain the dispute but evacuating the room with great
expedition locked the door on the outside and bellowed aloud to the receivers
servants beseeching them to come to the assistance of their master who was in
danger of his life
Mean while this gentleman having recollected himself demanded a parley
which having with difficulty obtained of our incensed candidate in consequence
of the most submissive application he complained grievously of the young
gentlemans intemperance and heat of disposition and very calmly represented
the danger of his rashness and indiscretion He told him that nothing could be
more outrageous or idle than the resistance he had made against the laws of his
country because he would find it impracticable to withstand the whole executive
power of the county which he could easily raise to apprehend and secure him
that over and above the disgrace that would accrue to him from this imprudent
conduct he would knock his own interest on the head by disobliging his friends
in the administration who were to his knowledge at present very well disposed
to do him service that for his own part what he had done was by the express
order of his superiors and not out of any desire of distressing him and that
far from being his enemy notwithstanding the shocking insult he had sustained
he was ready to withdraw the writ provided he would listen to any reasonable
terms of accommodation
Peregrine who was not more prone to anger than open to conviction being
appeased by his condescension moved by his arguments and chid by his own
reflection for what he had done in the precipitation of his wrath began to give
ear to his remonstrances and the bailiffs being ordered to withdraw they
entered into a conference the result of which was our adventurers immediate
departure for London so that next day his competitor was unanimously chosen
because no body appeared to oppose his election
The discontented Pickle on his arrival in town went directly to the house
of his patron to whom in the anguish of his disappointment he bitterly
complained of the treatment he had received by which besides the disgrace of
his overthrow he was no less than two thousand pounds out of pocket exclusive
of the debt for which he stood engaged to the receiver His lordship who was
prepared for this expostulation on his knowledge of the young mans impetuous
temper answered all the articles of his charge with great deliberation giving
him to understand the motives that induced the minister to quit his interest in
that borough and soothing him with assurances that his loss would be amply
rewarded by his honour to whom he was next day introduced by this nobleman in
the warmest stile of recommendation The minister who was a pattern of
complaisance received him with the most engaging affability thanked him very
kindly for his endeavours to support and strengthen the interest of the
administration and faithfully promised to lay hold on the first opportunity to
express the sense he had of his zeal and attachment desiring to see him often
at his levee that in the multiplicity of business he might not be in danger of
forgetting his services and desert
Chapter XCVIII
Peregrine commences Ministers Dependent meets by Accident with Mrs Gauntlet
and descends gradually in the Condition of Life
This reception favourable as it was did not please Peregrine who had too much
discernment to be cajoled with general promises at a time when he thought
himself intitled to the most particular assurance He accordingly signified his
disgust to his introductor giving him to understand that he had laid his
account with being chosen representative of one of those boroughs for which he
had been sacrificed His lordship agreed to the reasonableness of his
expectation observing however that he could not suppose the minister would
enter upon business with him on his first visit and that it would be time
enough at his next audience to communicate his demand
Notwithstanding this remonstrance our hero continued to indulge his
suspicion and chagrin and even made a point of it with his patron that his
lordship should next day make application in his behalf lest the two seats
should be filled up on pretence of his inclinations being unknown Thus
importuned my lord went to his principal and returned with an answer
importing that his honour was extremely sorry that Mr Pickle had not signified
his request before the boroughs in question were promised to two gentlemen whom
he could not now disappoint with any regard to his own credit or interest but
as several persons who would be chosen were to his certain knowledge very aged
and infirm he did not doubt that there would be plenty of vacant seats in a
very short time and then the young gentleman might depend upon his friendship
Peregrine was so much irritated at this intimation that in the first
transports of his anger he forgot the respect he owed to his friend and in his
presence inveighed against the minister as a person devoid of gratitude and
candour protesting that if ever an opportunity should offer itself he would
spend the whole remains of his fortune in opposing his measures The nobleman
having given him time to exhaust the impetuosity of his passion rebuked him
very calmly for his disrespectful expressions which were equally injurious and
indiscreet assured him that his project of revenge if ever put in execution
would redound to his own prejudice and confusion and advised him to cultivate
and improve with patience and assiduity the footing he had already obtained in
the ministers good graces
Our hero convinced of the truth tho not satisfied with the occasion of his
admonitions took his leave in a fit of sullen discontent and began to ruminate
upon the shattered posture of his affairs All that now remained of the ample
fortune he had inherited was the sum he had deposited in his lordships hands
together with fifteen hundred pounds he had ventured on bottomry and the
garison which he had left for the use and accommodation of the lieutenant and
on the per contra side of his account he was debtor for the supply he had
received from the receivergeneral and the money for which he was bound in
behalf of his friend so that he found himself for the first time of his life
very much embarassed in his circumstances for of the first half years
interest of his ten thousand which was punctually paid he had but fourscore
pounds in bank without any prospect of a farther supply till the other term
which was at the distance of four long months He seriously reflected upon the
uncertainty of human affairs the ship with his fifteen hundred pounds might be
lost the gentleman for whom he was security might miscarry in this as well as
in his former projects and the minister might one day through policy or
displeasure expose him to the mercy of his dependant who was in possession of
his notes
These suggestions did not at all contribute to the ease of our adventurers
mind already ruffled by his disappointment He cursed his own folly and
extravagance by which he was reduced to such an uncomfortable situation He
compared his own conduct with that of some young gentlemen of his acquaintance
who while he was squandering away the best part of his inheritance had
improved their fortunes strengthened their interest and increased their
reputation He was abandoned by his gayety and good humour his countenance
gradually contracted itself into a representation of severity and care he
dropped all his amusements and the companions of his pleasure and turned his
whole attention to the minister at whose levee he never failed to appear
While he thus laboured in the wheel of dependance with all that
mortification which a youth of his pride and sensibility may be supposed to feel
from such a disagreeable necessity he one day heard himself called by name as
he crossed the Park and turning perceived the wife of captain Gauntlet with
another lady He no sooner recognized the kind Sophy than he accosted her with
his wonted civility of friendship but his former sprightly air was
metamorphosed into such an austerity or rather dejection of feature that she
could scarce believe her own eyes and in her astonishment »Is it possible said
she that the gay Mr Pickle should be so much altered in such a short space of
time« He made no other reply to this exclamation but by a languid smile and
asked how long she had been in town observing that he would have paid his
compliments to her at her own lodgings had he been favoured with the least
intimation of her arrival After having thanked him for his politeness she told
him it was not owing to any abatement of her friendship and esteem for him
that she had omitted to give him that notice but his abrupt departure from
Windsor and the manner in which he quitted Mr Gauntlet had given her just
grounds to believe that they had incurred his displeasure which suspicion was
reinforced by his long silence and neglect from that period to the present
time when she observed it was still farther confirmed by his forbearing to
inquire for Emilia and her brother »Judge then said she if I had any reason
to believe that you would be pleased to hear that I was in town However I will
not detain you at present because you seem to be engaged about some particular
business but if you will favour me with your company at breakfast tomorrow I
shall be much pleased and honoured to boot by the visit« So saying she gave
him a direction to her lodgings and he took his leave with a faithful promise
of seeing her at the appointed time
He was very much affected with this advance of Sophy which he considered as
an instance of her uncommon sweetness of temper he felt strange longings of
returning friendship towards Godfrey and the remembrance of Emilia melted his
heart already softened with grief and mortification Next day he did not
neglect his engagement and had the pleasure of enjoying a long conversation
with this sensible young lady who gave him to understand that her husband was
with his regiment and presented to him a fine boy the first fruits of their
love whom they had christened by the name of Peregrine in memory of the
friendship which had subsisted between Godfrey and our youth
This proof of their regard notwithstanding the interruption in their
correspondence made a deep impression upon the mind of our adventurer who
having made the warmest acknowledgements for this undeserved mark of respect
took the child in his arms and almost devoured him with kisses protesting
before God that he should always consider him with the tenderness of a parent
This was the highest compliment he could pay to the gentle Sophy who again
kindly chid him for his disdainful and precipitate retreat immediately after
her marriage and expressed an earnest desire of seeing him and the captain
reconciled He assured her nothing could give him greater satisfaction than
such an event to which he would contribute all that lay in his power though he
could not help looking upon himself as injured by captain Gauntlets behaviour
which denoted a suspicion of his honour as well as contempt for his
understanding The lady undertook for the concession of her husband who she
told him had been extremely sorry for his own heat after Mr Pickles
departure and would have followed him to the garison in order to solicit his
forgiveness had not he been restrained by certain punctilios occasioned by
some acrimonious expressions that dropt from Peregrine at the inn
After having cleared up this misunderstanding she proceeded to give an
account of Emilia whose behaviour at that juncture plainly indicated a
continuance of affection for her first lover and desired that he would give
her full powers to bring that matter also to an accommodation »For I am not
more certain of my own existence said she than that you are still in
possession of my sisters heart« At this declaration the tear started in his
eye while he shook his head and declined her good offices wishing that the
young lady might be much more happy than ever he should be able to make her
Mrs Gauntlet confounded at these expressions and moved by the despondent
manner in which they were delivered beggd to know if any new obstacle was
raised by some late change in his sentiments or situation and he in order to
avoid a painful explanation told her that he had long despaired of being able
to vanquish Emilias resentment and for that reason quitted the pursuit which
he would never renew howsoever his heart might suffer by that resolution
though he took heaven to witness that his love esteem and admiration of her
were not in the least impaired but the true motive of his laying aside this
design was the consciousness of his decayed fortune which by adding to the
sensibility of his pride increased the horror of another repulse She expressed
her concern for this determination both on his own account and in behalf of
Emilia whose happiness in her opinion depended upon his constancy and
affection and she would have questioned him more minutely about the state of
his affairs had not he discouraged the inquiry by seeking to introduce another
subject of conversation
After mutual protestations of friendship and regard he promised to visit
her often during her residence in town and took his leave in a strange
perplexity of mind occasioned by the images of love intruding upon the
remonstrances of carking care He had some time ago forsaken those extravagant
companions with whom he had rioted in the heyday of his fortune and began to
consort with a graver and more sober species of acquaintance but he now found
himself disabled from cultivating the society of these also who were men of
ample estates and liberal dispositions in consequence of which their parties
were too expensive for the consumptive state of his finances so that he was
obliged to descend another degree and mingle with a set of old batchelors and
younger brothers who subsisted on slender annuities or what is called a bare
competency in the public funds This association was composed of secondhand
politicians and minor critics who in the forenoon saunter in the Mall or
lounge at shews of pictures appear in the drawingroom once or twice a week
dine at an ordinary decide disputes in a coffeehouse with an air of superior
intelligence frequent the pit of the playhouse and once in a month spend an
evening with some noted actor whose remarkable sayings they repeat for the
entertainment of their ordinary friends
After all he found something comfortable enough in the company of these
gentlemen who never interested his passions to any violence of transport nor
teazed him with impertinent curiosity about his private affairs for though many
of them had maintained a very long close and friendly correspondence with each
other they never dreamt of inquiring into particular concerns and if one of
the two who were most intimately connected had been asked how the other made
shift to live he would have answered with great truth »Really that is more
than I know« Notwithstanding this phlegmatic indifference which is of the true
English production they were all inoffensive goodnatured people who loved a
joke and a song delighted in telling a merry story and prided themselves in
the art of catering especially in the articles of fresh venison and wild fowl
Our young gentleman was not received among them on the footing of a common
member who makes interest for his admission he was courted as a person of
superior genius and importance and his compliance looked upon as an honour to
their society This their idea of his preheminence was supported by his
conversation which while it was more liberal and learned than that to which
they had been accustomed was tinctured with an assuming air so agreeably
diffused that instead of producing aversion it commanded respect They not
only appealed to him in all doubts relating to foreign parts to which one and
all of them were strangers but also consulted his knowledge in history and
divinity which were frequently the topics of their debates and in poetry of
all kinds he decided with such magisterial authority as even weighed against
the opinions of the players themselves The variety of characters he had seen
and observed and the high spheres of life in which he had so lately moved
furnished him with a thousand entertaining anecdotes and when he became a
little familiarized to his disappointments so that his natural vivacity began
to revive he flashed among them in such a number of bright sallies as struck
them with admiration and constituted himself a classic in wit insomuch that
they began to retail his remnants and even invited some particular friends to
come and hear him hold forth One of the players who had for many years
strutted about the taverns in the neighbourhood of Coventgarden as the Grand
Turk of wit and humour began to find his admirers melt away and a certain
petulant physician who had shone at almost all the Portclubs in that end of
the town was actually obliged to import his talents into the city where he has
now happily taken root
Nor was this success to be wondered at if we consider that over and above
his natural genius and education our adventurer still had the opportunity of
knowing every thing which happened among the great by means of his friend
Cadwallader with whom he still maintained his former intimacy though it was
now checquered with many occasional tifts owing to the sarcastic remonstrances
of the Misanthrope who disapproved of those schemes which miscarried with
Peregrine and now took unseasonable methods of valuing himself upon his own
foresight nay he was between whiles like a raven croaking presages of more ill
luck from the deceit of the minister the dissimulation of his patron the folly
of the projector for whom he was bound the uncertainty of the seas and the
villainy of those with whom he had entrusted his cash for Crabtree saw and
considered every thing through a perspective of spleen that always reflected
the worst side of human nature
For these reasons our young gentleman began to be disgusted at certain
intervals with the character of this old man whom he now thought a morose
cynic not so much incensed against the follies and vices of mankind as
delighted with the distress of his fellowcreatures Thus he put the most
unfavourable construction on the principles of his friend because he found
himself justly fallen under the lash of his animadversion This selfaccusation
very often dissolves the closest friendship a man conscious of his own
indiscretion is implacably offended at the rectitude of his companions
conduct which he considers as an insult upon his failings never to be
forgiven even though he has not tasted the bitterness of reproof which no
sinner can commodiously digest The friendship therefore subsisting between
Crabtree and Pickle had of late suffered several symptomatic shocks that seemed
to prognosticate a total dissolution a great deal of smart dialogue had passed
in their private conversations and the senior began to repent of having placed
his confidence in such an imprudent headstrong ungovernable youth
It was in such paroxysms of displeasure that he prophesied misfortune to
Peregrine and even told him one morning that he had dreamd of the shipwreck
of the two EastIndiamen on board of which he had hazarded his money But this
was no other than a false vision for in a few weeks one of them arrived at
her moorings in the river and he received a thousand in lieu of eight hundred
pounds which he had lent upon bond to one of the mates At the same time he was
informed that the other ship in which he was concerned had in all
probability lost her passage for the season by being unable to weather the
Cape He was not at all concerned at that piece of news knowing that the
longer he should lie out of his money he would have the more interest to
receive and finding his present difficulties removed by this supply his heart
began to dilate and his countenance to resume its former alacrity
This state of exultation however was soon interrupted by a small accident
which he could not foresee he was visited one morning by the person who had
lent his friend a thousand pounds on his security and given to understand that
the borrower had absconded in consequence of a disappointment by which he had
lost the whole sum and all hopes of retrieving it so that our hero was now
liable for the debt which he besought him to discharge according to the bond
that he the lender might not suffer by his humanity It may be easily
conceived that Peregrine did not receive this intelligence in cold blood He
cursed his own imprudence in contracting such engagements with an adventurer
whom he did not sufficiently know exclaimed against the treachery of the
projector and having for some time indulged his resentment in threats and
imprecations inquired into the nature of the scheme which had miscarried
The lender who had informed himself of the whole affair gratified his
curiosity in this particular by telling him that the fugitive had been cajoled
by a certain knight of the post who undertook to manage the thousand pounds in
such a manner as would in a very little time make him perfectly independant
and thus he delineated the plan »One half of the sum said he shall be laid
out in jewels which I will pawn to certain persons of credit and fortune who
lend money upon such pledges at an exorbitant interest The other shall be kept
for relieving them so that they may be again deposited with a second set of
those honourable usurers and when they shall have been circulated in this
manner through a variety of hands we will extort money from each of the
pawnbrokers by threatening them with a public prosecution for exacting
illegal interest and I know that they will bleed freely rather than be exposed
to the infamy attending such an accusation« The scheme was feasible and though
not very honourable made such an impression upon the needy borrower that he
assented to the proposal and by our heros credit the money was raised The
jewels were accordingly purchased pawned relieved and repledged by the
agent who undertook to manage the whole affair and so judiciously was the
project executed that he could have easily proved each lender guilty of the
charge Having thus far successfully transacted the business this faithful
agent visited them severally on his own account to give them intimation that
his employer intended to sue them on the statute of usury upon which every
one for himself bribed the informer to withdraw his evidence by which alone
he could be convicted and having received these gratifications he had thought
proper to retreat into France with the whole booty including the original
thousand that put them in motion In consequence of this decampment the
borrower had withdrawn himself so that the lender was obliged to have recourse
to his security
This was a very mortifying account to our young gentleman who in vain
reminded the narrator of his promise importing that he would not demand the
money until he should be called to an account by his ward and observed that
long before that period the fugitive might appear and discharge the debt But
the other was deaf to these remonstrances alledging that his promise was
provisional on the supposition that the borrower would deal candidly and
fairly that he had forfeited all title to his friendship and trust by the
scandalous scheme in which he had embarked and that his treacherous flight from
his security was no proof of his honesty and intended return but on the
contrary a warning by which he the lender was taught to take care of
himself He therefore insisted upon his being indemnified immediately on pain
of letting the law take its course and Peregrine was actually obliged to part
with the whole sum he had so lately received But this payment was not made
without extreme reluctance indignation and denunciation of eternal war against
the absconder and the rigid creditor betwixt whom he suspected some collusion
Chapter XCIX
Cadwallader acts the Part of a Comforter to his Friend and is in his turn
consoled by Peregrine who begins to find himself a most egregious Dupe
This new misfortune which he justly charged to the account of his own folly
recalled his chagrin and though he endeavoured with all his might to conceal
the affair from the knowledge of Cadwallader that prying observer perceived his
countenance overcast and the projectors sudden disappearance alarming his
suspicion he managed his inquiries with so much art that in a few days he made
himself acquainted with every particular of the transaction and resolved to
gratify his spleen at the expence of the impatient dupe With this view he took
an opportunity to accost him with a very serious air saying a friend of his
had immediate occasion for a thousand pounds and as Peregrine had the exact sum
lying by him he would take it as a great favour if he would part with it for a
few months on undoubted security Had Pickle known the true motive of this
demand he would in all likelihood have made a very disagreeable answer but
Crabtree had wrapt himself up so securely in the dissimulation of his features
that the youth could not possibly penetrate into his intention and in the most
galling suspence replied that the money was otherwise engaged The Misanthrope
not contented with this irritation assumed the prerogative of a friend and
questioned him so minutely about the disposal of the cash that after numberless
evasions which cost him a world of torture to invent he could contain his
vexation no longer but exclaimed in a rage »Damn your impertinence tis gone
to the devil and thats enough« »Thereafter as it may be said the tormentor
with a most provoking indifference of aspect I should be glad to know upon what
footing for I suppose you have some expectation of advantage from that
quarter« »Sdeath Sir cried the impatient youth if I had any expectation
from hell I would make interest with you for I believe from my soul you are
one of its most favoured ministers upon earth« With these words he flung out
of the room leaving Cadwallader very well satisfied with the chastisement he
had bestowed
Peregrine having cooled himself with a solitary walk in the park during
which the violence of his choler gradually evaporated and his reflection was
called to a serious deliberation upon the posture of his affairs he resolved to
redouble his diligence and importunity with his patron and the minister in
order to obtain some sinecure which would indemnify him for the damage he had
sustained on their account He accordingly went to his lordship and signified
his demand after having told him that he had suffered several fresh losses
which rendered an immediate provision of that sort necessary to his credit and
subsistence
His noble friend commended him for the regard he manifested for his own
interest which he considered as a proof of his being at last detached from the
careless inadvertency of youth he approved of his demand which he assured
him should be faithfully transmitted to the minister and backed with all his
influence and encouraged his hope by observing that some profitable places
were at that time vacant and so far as he knew unengaged
This conversation helped to restore the tranquillity of Pickles breast
tho he still harboured resentment against Cadwallader on account of the last
insult and on the instant he formed a plan of revenge He knew the
Misanthropes remittances from his estate in the country had been of late very
scanty in consequence of repairs and bankruptcies among his tenants so that
in spite of all his frugality he had been but barely able to maintain his
credit and even that was engaged on the strength of his running rent Being
therefore intimately acquainted with the particulars of his fortune he wrote a
letter to Crabtree subscribed with the name of his principal farmers wife
importing that her husband being lately dead and the greatest part of her
cattle destroyed by the infectious distemper she found herself utterly
incapable of paying the rent which was due or even of keeping the farm unless
he would out of his great goodness be pleased to give her some assistance and
allow her to sit free for a twelvemonth to come This intimation he found means
to convey by post from a markettown adjoining to the farm directed in the
usual stile to the cynic who seeing it stamped with the known marks could not
possibly suspect any imposition
Hackneyed as he was in the ways of life and steeled with his boasted
stoicism this epistle threw him into such an agony of vexation that a double
proportion of sowering was visible in his aspect when he was visited by the
author who having observed and followed the postman at a proper distance
introduced a conversation upon his own disappointments in which among other
circumstances of his own illluck he told him that his patrons steward had
desired to be excused from paying the last quarter of his interest precisely at
the appointed term for which reason he should be utterly void of cash and
therefore requested that Crabtree would accommodate him with an hundred pieces
out of his next remittance from the country
This demand galled and perplexed the old man to such a degree that the
muscles of his face assumed a contraction most peculiarly virulent and
exhibited the character of Diogenes with a most lively expression he knew that
a confession of his true situation would furnish Pickle with an opportunity to
make reprisals upon him with intolerable triumph and that by a downright
refusal to supply his wants he would for ever forfeit his friendship and
esteem and might provoke him to take ample vengeance for his sordid behaviour
by exposing him in his native colours to the resentment of those whom he had
so long deceived These considerations kept him some time in a most rancorous
state of suspence which Peregrine affected to misinterpret by bidding him
freely declare his suspicion if he did not think it safe to comply with his
request and he would make shift elsewhere
This seeming misconstruction increased the torture of the Misanthrope who
with the utmost irritation of feature »Oons cried he what villainy have you
noted in my conduct that you treat me like a rascally usurer« Peregrine very
gravely replied that the question needed no answer »for said he had I
considered you as an usurer I would have come with a security under my arm
but all evasion apart will you stead me will you pleasure me shall I have
the money« »Would it were in your belly with a barrel of gunpowder exclaimed
the enraged cynic since I must be excruciated read that plaguy paper
sblood why didnt nature clap a pair of long ears and a tail upon me that I
might be a real ass and champ thistles on some common independent of my
fellowcreatures Would I were a worm that I might creep into the earth and
thatch my habitation with a single straw or rather a wasp or a viper that I
might make the rascally world feel my resentment but why do I talk of
rascality folly folly is the scourge of life Give me a scoundrel so he be a
sensible one and I will put him in my heart of hearts but a fool is more
mischievous than famine pestilence and war The idiotical hag that writes or
causes to be writ this same letter has ruined her family and broke her
husbands heart by ignorance and mismanagement and she imputes her calamity to
providence with a vengeance and so I am defrauded of three hundred pounds the
greatest part of which I owe to tradesmen whom I have promised to pay this very
quarter Pox upon her I would she were an horned beast that the distemper
might lay hold on her The beldame has the impudence too after she has brought
me into this dilemma to solicit my assistance to stock the farm anew Before
God I have a good mind to send her an halter and perhaps I might purchase
another for myself but that I would not furnish food for laughter to knaves and
coxcombs«
Peregrine having perused the billet and listened to this ejaculation
replied with great composure that he was ashamed to see a man of his years and
pretensions to philosophy so ruffled by a trifle »What signify all the boasted
hardships you have overcome said he and the shrewd observations you pretend to
have made on human nature Where is that stoical indifference you affirm you
have attained if such a paultry disappointment can disturb you in this manner
What is the loss of three hundred pounds compared with the misfortunes which I
myself have undergone within these two years Yet you will take upon you to act
the censor and inveigh against the impatience and impetuosity of youth as if
you yourself had gained an absolute conquest over all the passions of the heart
You was so kind as to insult me tother day in my affliction by reproaching me
with indiscretion and misconduct suppose I were now to retort the imputation
and ask how a man of your profound sagacity could leave your fortune at the
discretion of ignorant peasants How could you be so blind as not to foresee the
necessity of repairs together with the danger of a bankruptcy murrain or thin
crop Why did not you convert your land into ready money and as you have no
connexions in life purchase an annuity on which you might have lived at your
ease without any fear of the consequence Cant you from the whole budget of
your philosophy cull one apophthegm to console you in this trivial mischance«
»Rot your rapidity said the cynic halfchoaked with gall if the cancer
or the pox were in your throat I should not be thus tormented with your tongue
and yet a magpye shall speak infinitely more to the purpose Dont you know Mr
Wiseacre that my case does not fall within the province of philosophy Had I
been curtailed of all my members racked by the gout and gravel deprived of
liberty robbed of an only child or visited with the death of a dear friend
like you philosophy might have contributed to my consolation but will
philosophy pay my debts or free me from the burden of obligation to a set of
fellows whom I despise Speak pronounce demonstrate or may heaven close
your mouth for ever«
»These are the comfortable fruits of your misanthropy answered the youth
your laudable scheme of detaching yourself from the bonds of society and of
moving in a superior sphere of your own Had not you been so peculiarly sage
and intent upon laughing at mankind you could never have been disconcerted by
such a pitiful inconvenience any friend would have accommodated you with the
sum in question But now the world may retort the laugh for you stand upon such
an agreeable footing with your acquaintance that nothing could please them
better than an account of your having given disappointment the slip by the help
of a noose properly applied This I mention by way of hint upon which I would
have you chew the cud of reflection and should it come to that issue I will
use my whole interest with the coroner to bring in his verdict Lunacy that
your carcase may have christian burial«
So saying he withdrew very well satisfied with the revenge he had taken
which operated so violently upon Crabtree that if it had not been for the sole
consideration mentioned above he would in all probability have had recourse
to the remedy proposed But his unwillingness to oblige and entertain his
fellowcreatures hindered him from practising that expedient till by course
of post he was happily undeceived with regard to the situation of his affairs
and that information had such an effect upon him that he not only forgave our
hero for the stratagem which he immediately ascribed to the right author but
also made him a tender of his purse so that matters for the present were
brought to an amicable accommodation
Mean while Peregrine never slackened in his attendance upon the great he
never omitted to appear upon every leveeday employed his industry and
penetration in getting intelligence of posts that were unfilled and every day
recommended himself to the good offices of his patron who seemed to espouse his
interest with great cordiality nevertheless he was always too late in his
application or the place he demanded chanced to be out of the ministers gift
These intimations tho communicated in the most warm professions of
friendship and regard gave great umbrage to the young gentleman who considered
them as the evasions of an insincere courtier and loudly complained of them as
such to his lordship signifying at the same time an intention to sell his
mortgage for ready money which he would expend to the last farthing in
thwarting his honour in the very first election he should patronize His
lordship never wanted a proper exhortation upon these occasions he did not now
endeavour to pacify him with assurances of the ministers favour because he
perceived that these medicines had by repeated use lost their effect upon our
adventurer whose menaces he now combated by representing that the ministers
purse was heavier than that of Mr Pickle that therefore should he make a
point of opposing his interest the youth must infallibly fail in the contest
in which case he would find himself utterly destitute of the means of
subsistence and consequently precluded from all hope of provision
This was an observation the truth of which our young gentleman could not
pretend to doubt tho it did not at all tend to the vindication of his honours
conduct Indeed Pickle began to suspect the sincerity of his own patron who in
his opinion had trifled with his impatience and even eluded by sorry excuses
his desire of having another private audience of the first mover His lordship
also began to be less accessible than usual and Peregrine had been obliged to
dun the steward with repeated demands before he could finger the last quarter
of his interest
Alarmed by these considerations he went and consulted the nobleman whom he
had obliged in the affair of his son and had the mortification to hear but a
very indifferent character of the person in whom he had so long confided This
new adviser who though a courtier was a rival of the other gave our
adventurer to understand that he had been leaning upon a broken reed that his
professed patron was a man of a shattered fortune and decayed interest which
extended no farther than a smile and a whisper that for his own part he should
have been proud of an opportunity to use his influence with the minister in
behalf of Mr Pickle »But since you have put yourself under the protection of
another peer said he whose connexions interfere with mine I cannot now
espouse your cause without incurring the imputation of seducing that noblemans
adherents a charge which of all others I would most carefully avoid However
I shall always be ready to assist you with my private advice as a specimen of
which I now counsel you to insist upon having another interview with Sir Steady
Steerwell himself that you may in person explain your pretensions without any
risque of being misrepresented and endeavour if possible to draw him into
some particular promise from which he cannot retract with any regard to his
reputation for general profession is a necessary armour worn by all ministers
in their own defence against the importunity of those whom they will not
befriend and would not disoblige«
This advice was so conformable to his own sentiments that our adventurer
seized the first opportunity to demand an hearing and plainly told his patron
that if he could not be indulged with that favour he should look upon his
lordships influence to be very small and his own hopes to be altogether
desperate in which case he was resolved to dispose of the mortgage purchase
an annuity and live independant
Chapter C
He is indulged with a second Audience by the Minister of whose Sincerity he is
convinced His Pride and Ambition revive and again are mortified
If the young gentlemans money had been in other hands perhaps the peer would
have been at very little pains either in gratifying his demand or opposing his
revenge but he knew that a sale of the mortgage could not be effected without
an inquiry to which he did not wish to be exposed He therefore employed all
his interest in procuring the solicited audience which being granted
Peregrine with great warmth and elocution expatiated upon the injury his
fortune had suffered in the affair of the borough for which he had stood
candidate he took notice of the disappointment he had sustained in the other
election reminded him of the promises with which he had been amused and in
conclusion desired to know what he had to expect from his favour
The minister having patiently heard him to an end replied with a most
gracious aspect that he was very well informed of his merit and attachment and
very much disposed to convince him of the regard which he paid to both that
till of late he did not know the nature of his expectations neither had he the
power of creating posts for those whom he was inclined to serve but if Mr
Pickle would chalk out any feasible method by which he could manifest his
sentiments of friendship he should not be backward in executing the plan
Peregrine laying hold on this declaration mentioned several places which he
knew to be vacant but the old evasion was still used one of them was not in
his department of business another had been promised to the third son of a
certain earl before the death of the last possessor and a third was incumbered
with a pension that ate up a good half of the appointments In short such
obstructions were started to all his proposals as he could not possibly
surmount though he plainly perceived they were no other than specious pretexts
to cover the mortifying side of a refusal Exasperated therefore at this lack
of sincerity and gratitude »I can easily foresee said he that such
difficulties will never be wanting when I have any thing to ask and for that
reason will save myself the trouble of any farther application« So saying he
withdrew in a very abrupt manner breathing defiance and revenge But his
patron who did not think proper to drive him to extremities found means to
persuade his honour to do something for the pacification of the young mans
choler and that same evening our adventurer received a message from his
lordship desiring to see him immediately
In consequence of this intimation Pickle went to his house and appeared
before him with a very cloudy aspect which signified to whom it might concern
that his temper was at present too much galled to endure reproof and therefore
the sagacious peer forbore taking him to task for his behaviour during the
audience he had obtained but gave him to understand that the minister in
consideration of his services had sent him a banknote for three hundred pounds
with a promise of the like sum yearly until he could be otherwise provided for
This declaration in some measure appeased the youth who condescended to accept
the present and next leveeday made his acknowledgment to the donor who
favoured him with a smile of infinite complacency which intirely dissipated all
the remains of his resentment for as he could not possibly divine the true
cause of his being temporized with he looked upon his condescension as an
undoubted proof of Sir Steadys sincerity and firmly believed that he would
settle him in some place with the first opportunity rather than continue to pay
this pension out of his own pocket In all probability this prediction would
have been verified had not an unforeseen accident in a moment overwhelmed the
bark of his interest at court
Mean while this short gleam of good fortune recalled the ideas of pride and
ambition which he had formerly cherished His countenance was again lifted up
his good humour retrieved and his mien reexalted Indeed he began to be
considered as a rising man by his fellowdependants who saw the particular
notice with which he was favoured at the public levee and some of them for
that reason were at pains to court his good graces He no longer shunned his
former intimates with whom a good part of his fortune had been spent but made
up to them in all places of public resort with the same ease and familiarity as
he had been used to express and even reimbarked in some of their excesses upon
the strength of his sanguine expectation Cadwallader and he renewed their
consultations in the court of ridicule and divers exploits were atchieved to
the confusion of those who had sailed into the North of their displeasure
But these enjoyments were soon interrupted by a misfortune equally fatal and
unexpected his noble patron was seized with an apoplectic fit from which he
was recovered by the physicians that they might dispatch him according to rule
and accordingly in two months after they were called he went the way of all
flesh Peregrine was very much afflicted at this event not only on account of
his friendship for the deceased to whom he thought himself under many and great
obligations but also because he feared that his own interest would suffer a
severe shock by the removal of this nobleman whom he considered as its chief
support He put himself therefore in mourning out of regard to the memory of
his departed friend and exhibited genuine marks of sorrow and concern though
he had in reality more cause to grieve than he as yet imagined
When quarter day came about he applied to the steward of his lordships
heir for the interest of his money as usual and the reader will readily own he
had some reason to be surprized when he was told he had no claim either to
principal or interest True it is the manager talked very civilly as well as
sensibly on the subject »Your appearance Sir said he to Pickle screens you
from all suspicion of an intended fraud but the mortgage upon those lands you
mention was granted to another person many years before you pretend to have
lent that sum and I have this very morning paid one quarters interest as
appears from this receipt which you may peruse for your satisfaction«
Peregrine was so thunderstruck at this information which stripped him of
his all that he could not utter one word a circumstance that did no great
honour to his character in the opinion of the steward who in good earnest
began to entertain some doubts of his integrity for among the papers of the
deceased which he had examined there was no writing memorandum or receipt
relating to this incumbrance After a long pause of stupefaction Peregrine
recollected himself so far as to observe that either he was egregiously
mistaken or the predecessor of his lord the greatest villain upon earth »But
Mr Whatdyecallum said he you must give me leave to tell you that your bare
assertion in this affair will by no means induce me to put up quietly with the
loss of ten thousand pounds«
Having thus expressed himself he retired from the house so discontented at
this demur that he scarce knew whether he moved upon his head or heels and the
park chancing to lie in his way he sauntered about giving vent to a soliloquy
in praise of his departed friend the burden of which was a string of incoherent
curses imprecated upon himself till his transports by degrees giving way to
his reflection he deliberated seriously and sorrowfully upon his misfortune
and resolved to consult lawyers without loss of time But first of all he
proposed to make personal application to the heir who by a candid
representation of the case might be inclined to do him justice
In consequence of this determination he next morning put his writings in
his pocket and went in a chair to the house of the young nobleman to whom
being admitted by virtue of his appearance and a small gratification to the
porter he explained the whole affair corroborating his assertions with the
papers which he produced and describing the disgrace that would be intailed
upon the memory of the deceased should he be obliged to seek redress in a
public court of justice
The executor who was a person of good breeding condoled him upon his loss
with great good nature though he did not seem much surprized at his account of
the matter but wished that since the fraud must have been committed the
damage had fallen upon the first mortgager who he said was a thievish usurer
grown rich by the distresses of his fellowcreatures In answer to our heros
remonstrances he observed that he did not look upon himself as obliged to pay
the least regard to the character of his predecessor who had used him with
great barbarity and injustice not only in excluding him from his countenance
and assistance but also in prejudicing his inheritance as much as lay in his
power so that it could not be reasonably expected that he would pay ten
thousand pounds of his debt for which he had received no value Peregrine in
spite of his chagrin could not help owning within himself that there was a
good deal of reason in this refusal and after having given loose to his
indignation in the most violent invectives against the defunct took his leave
of the complaisant heir and had immediate recourse to the advice of counsel
who assured him that he had an excellent plea and was accordingly retained in
the cause
All these measures were taken in the first vigour of his exertion during
which his spirits were so flustered with the diversity of passions produced by
his mischance that he mistook for equanimity that which was no other than
intoxication and two whole days elapsed before he arrived at a due sense of
his misfortune Then indeed he underwent a woeful selfexamination every
circumstance of the inquiry added fresh pangs to his reflection and the result
of the whole was a discovery that his fortune was totally consumed and himself
reduced to a state of the most deplorable dependance This suggestion alone
might in the anguish of his despondency have driven him to some desperate
course had not it been in some measure qualified by the confidence of his
lawyers and the assurance of the minister which slender as the world hath
generally found them were the only bulwarks between misery and him
The mind is naturally pliable and provided it has the least hope to lean
upon adapts itself wonderfully to the emergencies of fortune especially when
the imagination is gay and luxuriant This was the case with our adventurer
instead of indulging the melancholy ideas which his loss inspired he had
recourse to the flattering delusions of hope soothing himself with
unsubstantial plans of future greatness and endeavouring to cover what was past
with the veil of oblivion
After some hesitation he resolved to make Crabtree acquainted with his
misfortune that once for all he might pass the ordeal of his satire without
subjecting himself to a long series of sarcastic hints and doubtful allusions
which he could not endure He accordingly took the first opportunity of telling
him that he was absolutely ruined by the perfidy of his patron and desired
that he would not aggravate his affliction by those cynical remarks which were
peculiar to men of his misanthropical disposition Cadwallader listened to this
declaration with internal surprize which however produced no alteration in
his countenance and after some pause observed that our hero had no reason to
look for any new observation from him upon this event which he had long
foreseen and daily expected and exhorted him with an ironical sneer to
console himself with the promise of the minister who would doubtless discharge
the debts of his deceased bosomfriend
Chapter CI
Peregrine commits himself to the Publick and is admitted Member of a College of
Authors
The bitterness of this explanation being passed our young gentleman began to
revolve within himself schemes for making up the deficiencies of his yearly
income which was now so grievously reduced and determined to profit in some
shape or other by those talents which he owed to nature and education He had
in his affluence heard of several authors who without any pretensions to
genius or human literature earned a very genteel subsistence by undertaking
work for booksellers in which reputation was not at all concerned One for
example professed all manner of translation at so much per sheet and actually
kept five or six amanuenses continually employed like so many clerks in a
comptinghouse by which means he was enabled to live at his ease and enjoy
his friend and his bottle ambitious of no other character than that of an
honest man and a good neighbour Another projected a variety of plans for new
dictionaries which were executed under his eye by daylabourers and the
province of a third was history and voyages collected or abridged by
understrappers of the same class
Mr Pickle in his comparisons paid such deference to his own capacity as
banished all doubts of his being able to excel any of those undertakers in
their different branches of profession if ever he should be driven to that
experiment but his ambition prompted him to make his interest and glory
coincide by attempting some performance which should do him honour with the
publick and at the same time establish his importance among the copypurchasers
in town With this view he worshipped the muse and conscious of the little
regard which is in this age paid to every species of poetic composition in
which neither satire nor obscenity occurs he produced an imitation of Juvenal
and lashed some conspicuous characters with equal truth spirit and severity
Though his name did not appear in the titlepage of this production he managed
matters so as that the work was universally imputed to the true author who was
not altogether disappointed in his expectations of success for the impression
was immediately sold off and the piece became the subject of conversation in
all assemblies of taste
This happy exordium not only attracted the addresses of the booksellers who
made interest for his acquaintance but also roused the notice of a society of
authors who stiled themselves the college from which he was honoured with a
deputation offering to enroll him a member by unanimous consent The person
employed for this purpose being a bard who had formerly tasted of our heros
bounty used all his eloquence to persuade him to comply with the advances of
their fraternity which he described in such a manner as inflamed the curiosity
of Pickle who dismissed the embassador with an acknowledgement of the great
honour they conferred upon him and a faithful promise of endeavouring to merit
the continuance of their approbation
He was afterwards by the same minister instructed in the ceremonies of the
college and in consequence of his information composed an ode to be
publickly recited on the evening of his introduction He understood that this
constitution was no other than a body of authors incorporated by mutual
consent for their joint advantage and satisfaction opposed to another assembly
of the same kind their avowed enemies and detractors No wonder then that they
sought to strengthen themselves with such a valuable acquisition as our hero was
like to prove The college consisted of authors only and these of all degrees
in point of reputation from the fabricator of a song set to music and sung at
Marybone to the dramatic bard who had appeared in buskins upon the stage nay
one of the members had actually finished eight books of an epic poem for the
publication of which he was at that time soliciting subscriptions
It cannot be supposed that such a congregation of the sons of Apollo would
sit a whole evening with order and decorum unless they were under the check of
some established authority and this inconvenience having been foreseen they
had elected a president vested with full power to silence any member or
members that should attempt to disturb the harmony and subordination of the
whole The sage who at this time possessed the chair was a person in years
whose countenance was a lively portraiture of that rancorous discontent which
follows repeated damnation He had been extremely unfortunate in his theatrical
productions and was to use the words of a prophane wag who assisted at the
condemnation of his last play by this time damnd beyond redemption
Nevertheless he still tarried about the skirts of Parnassus translating some
of the classics and writing miscellanies and by dint of an invincible
assurance insolence untamed the most undaunted virulence of tongue and some
knowledge of life he made shift to acquire and maintain the character of a man
of learning and wit in the opinion of people who had neither that is
thirtynine in forty of those with whom he associated himself He was even
looked upon in this light by some few of the college though the major part of
those who favoured his election were such as dreaded his malice respected his
experience and seniority or hated his competitor who was the epic poet
The chief end of this society as I have already hinted was to assist and
support each other in their productions which they mutually recommended to
sale with all their art and influence not only in private conversation but
also in occasional epigrams criticisms and advertisements inserted in the
public papers This science which is known by the vulgar appellation of
puffing they carried to such a pitch of finesse that an author very often
wrote an abusive answer to his own performance in order to inflame the
curiosity of the town by which it had been overlookd Notwithstanding this
general unanimity in the college a private animosity had long subsisted between
the two rivals I have mentioned on account of precedence to which both laid
claim though by a majority of votes it had been decided in favour of the
present chairman The grudge indeed never proceeded to any degree of outrage or
defiance but manifested itself at every meeting in attempts to eclipse each
other in smart sayings and pregnant repartee so that there was always a
delicate mess of this kind of wit served up in the front of the evening for the
entertainment and example of the junior members who never failed to divide upon
this occasion declaring themselves for one or other of the combatants whom
they encouraged by their looks gestures and applause according to the
circumstances of the dispute
This honourable consistory was held in the best room of an alehouse which
afforded wine punch or beer suitable to the purse or inclination of every
individual who separately paid for his own choice and here was our hero
introduced in the midst of twenty strangers who by their looks and equipage
formed a very picturesque variety He was received with a most gracious
solemnity and placed upon the right hand of the president who having commanded
silence recited aloud his introductory ode which met with universal
approbation Then was tendered to him the customary oath obliging him to
consult the honour and advantage of the society as far as it should lie in his
power in every station of life and this being taken his temples were bound
with a wreath of laurel which was kept sacred for such inauguration
When these rites were performed with all due ceremony the new member cast
his eyes around the place and took a more accurate survey of his brethren
among whom he observed a strange collection of periwigs with regard to the
colour fashion and dimensions which were such as he had never seen before
Those who sat on each side nearest the president were generally distinguished
by venerable tyes the foretops of which exhibited a surprising diversity some
of them rose slanting backwards like the glacis of a fortification some were
elevated in two distinct eminences like the hills Helicon and Parnassus and
others were curled and reflected as the horns of Jupiter Ammon Next to these
the majors took place many of which were mere succedanea made by the
application of an occasional rose to the tail of a lank bob and in the lower
form appeared masses of hair which would admit of no description
Their cloaths were tolerably well suited to the furniture of their heads
the apparel of the upper bench being decent and clean while that of the second
class was threadbare and soiled and at the lower end of the room he perceived
divers efforts made to conceal rent breeches and dirty linen nay he could
distinguish by their countenances the different kinds of poetry in which they
exercised the muse he saw Tragedy conspicuous in a grave solemnity of regard
Satire louring in a frown of envy and discontent Elegy whining in a funereal
aspect Pastoral dozing in a most insipid languor of face Odewriting
delineated in a distracted stare and Epigram squinting with a pert sneer
Perhaps our hero refined too much in his penetration when he affirmed that
over and above these discoveries he could plainly perceive the state of every
ones finances and would have undertaken to have guessed each particular sum
without varying three farthings from the truth
The conversation instead of becoming general began to fall into parties
and the epic poet had actually attracted the attention of a private committee
when the chairman interposed calling aloud »No cabals no conspiracies
gentlemen« His rival thinking it incumbent upon him to make some reply to this
rebuke answered »We have no secrets he that hath ears let him hear« This
was spoke as an intimation to the company whose looks were instantly whetted
with the expectation of their ordinary meal but the president seemed to decline
the contest for without putting on his fighting face he calmly replied that
he had seen Mr Metaphor tip the wink and whisper to one of his confederates
and thence judged that there was something mysterious on the carpet
The epic poet believing his antagonist crestfallen resolved to take the
advantage of his dejection that he might inhance his own character in the
opinion of the stranger and with that view asked with an air of exultation if
a man might not be allowed to have a convulsion in his eye without being
suspected of a conspiracy The president perceiving his drift and piqued at
his presumption »To be sure said he a man of a weak head may be very well
supposed to have convulsions in his eyes« This repartee produced a laugh of
triumph among the chairmans adherents one of whom observed that his rival had
got a smart rap on the pate »Yes replied the bard in that respect Mr
Chairman has the advantage of me Had my head been fortified with a hornwork I
should not have been so sensible of the stroke« This retort which carried a
severe allusion to the presidents wife lighted up the countenances of the
aggressors friends which had begun to be a little obumbrated and had a
contrary effect upon the other faction till their chief collecting all his
capacity returned the salute by observing that there was no occasion for an
hornwork when the covered way was not worth defending
Such a reprizal upon Mr Metaphors yokefellow who was by no means
remarkable for her beauty could not fail to operate upon the hearers and as
for the bard himself he was evidently ruffled by the reflection to which
however he without hesitation replied »Egad tis my opinion that if your
covered way was laid open few people would venture to give the assault« »Not
unless their batteries were more effectual than the fire of your wit« said the
president »As for that matter cried the other with precipitation they would
have no occasion to batter in breach they would find the angle of the la
pucelle bastion demolished to their hands he he« »But I believe it would
surpass your understanding resumed the chairman to fill up the fossè« »That
I own is impracticable replied the bard there I should meet with an hiatus
maxime deflendus«
The president exasperated at this insinuation in presence of the new
member exclaimed with indignation in his looks »And yet if a body of pioneers
were set at work upon your skull they would find rubbish enough to choak up all
the common sewers in town« Here a groan was uttered by the admirers of the epic
poet who taking a pinch of snuff with great composure »When a man grows
scurrilous said he I take it for an undoubted proof of his overthrow« »If
that be the case cried the other you yourself must be the vanquished party
for you was the first that was driven to personal abuse« »I appeal answered
the bard to those who can distinguish Gentlemen your judgment«
This reference produced an universal clamour and the whole college was
involved in confusion Every man entered into dispute with his neighbour on the
merits of this cause The chairman interposed his authority in vain the noise
grew louder and louder the disputants waxed warm the epithets of blockhead
fool and scoundrel were bandied about Peregrine enjoyed the uproar and
leaping upon the table sounded the charge to battle which was immediately
commenced in ten different duels in consequence of which the lights were
extinguished the combatants threshed one another without distinction the
mischievous Pickle distributed sundry random blows in the dark and the people
below being alarmed with the sound of application the overturning of chairs
and the outcries of those who were engaged came up stairs in a body with
lights to reconnoitre and if possible quell this hideous tumult
Objects were no sooner rendered visible than the field of battle exhibited
strange groups of the standing and the fallen Each of Mr Metaphors eyes was
surrounded with a circle of a livid hue and the presidents nose distilled a
quantity of clotted blood One of the tragic authors finding himself assaulted
in the dark had by way of poinard employed upon his adversarys throat a
knife which lay upon the table for the convenience of cutting cheese but by
the blessing of God the edge of it was not keen enough to enter the skin which
it had only scratched in divers places A satirist had almost bit off the ear of
a lyric bard Shirts and neckcloaths were torn to rags and there was such a
woeful wreck of periwigs on the floor that no examination could adjust the
property of the owners the greatest part of whom were obliged to use
handkerchiefs by way of nightcap
The fray however ceased at the approach of those who interposed part of
the combatants being tired of an exercise in which they had received nothing
but hard blows part of them being intimidated by the remonstrances of the
landlord and his company who threatened to call the watch and a very few being
ashamed of the scandalous dispute in which they were detected But though the
battle was ended it was impossible for that evening to restore harmony and
good order to the society which broke up after the president had pronounced a
short and confused apology to our adventurer for the indecent uproar which had
unfortunately happened on the first night of his admission
Indeed Peregrine deliberated with himself whether or not his reputation
would allow him to appear again among this venerable fraternity but as he knew
some of them to be men of real genius how ridiculous soever their carriage
might be modified and was of that laughing disposition which is always seeking
food for mirth as Horace observes of Philippus
Risus undique quærit
he resolved to frequent the college notwithstanding this accident which
happened at his inauguration being thereto moreover induced by his desire of
knowing the private history of the stage with which he supposed some of the
members perfectly well acquainted He was also visited before the next meeting
by his introductor who assured him that such a tumult had never happened since
the institution of the assembly till that very night and promised that for
the future he should have no cause to be scandalized at their behaviour
Persuaded by these motives and assurances he trusted himself once more in
the midst of their community and every thing proceeded with great decorum all
dispute and altercation was avoided and the college applied itself seriously to
the purposes of its meeting namely to hear the grievances of individuals and
assist them with salutary advice The first person that craved redress was a
noisy North Briton who complained in a strange dialect that he had in the
beginning of the season presented a comedy to the manager of a certain theatre
who after it had lain six weeks in his hands returned it to the author
affirming there was neither sense nor English in the performance
The president who by the bye had revised the piece thinking his own
reputation concerned declared in presence of the whole society that with
regard to sense he would not undertake to vindicate the production but in
point of language no fault could be justly laid to its charge »The case
however is very plain said he the manager never gave himself the trouble to
peruse the play but formed a judgment of it from the conversation of the
author never dreaming that it had undergone the revisal of an English writer
be that as it will you are infinitely obliged to him for having dispatched you
so soon and I shall have the better opinion of him for it so long as I live
for I have known otherguess authors than you that is in point of interest and
fame kept in continual attendance and dependance during the best part of their
lives and after all disappointed in the expectation of seeing their
performances exhibited on the stage There are only two methods by which you
have any chance of introducing your play upon the theatre one is compulsive by
the interposition of the great whom a patentee dares not disoblige the other
insinuation by ingratiating yourself with the manager you must be recommended
to his notice you must cultivate his good graces with all the humility of
adulation write poems in his praise if he be an actor support his performance
against all censure though it should be founded upon demonstration and in
public coffeehouses as well as in private parties magnify the virtues of his
heart in despite of truth and illustration This indeed is the most effectual
expedient and what I advise you to practise after you shall have been
introduced to his acquaintance by some person of weight and if by these
means and dint of perseverance you can in three or four years see your
comedy in rehearsal you may think yourself extremely fortunate in your
application for a man without interest or pretension may present a petition
to the captaingeneral of his majestys forces demanding a commission for the
first company that shall become vacant and be as likely to meet with success
as an unsupported author that offers a performance to the stage Though a
patentee had no friends of his own to oblige why the devil should he put
himself to the expence and trouble attending the representation of a new play
and part with three benefitnights to please the vanity and fill the pockets of
a stranger«
The northern bard began to argue with great vehemence and vociferation
against the advice and observations of the chairman undertaking to prove from
reason as well as from experience that one poet is of greater dignity and
importance to the commonwealth than all the patentees or players that ever
existed But he was overruled and silenced in the beginning of his harangue by
a decree of the council which was unanimously of opinion that the advice he
had received was equally judicious and expedient and that it would be his own
fault if he did not profit by the admonition
Chapter CII
Further Proceedings of the College
This affair was no sooner discussed than another gentleman exhibited a
complaint signifying that he had undertaken to translate into English a
certain celebrated author who had been cruelly mangled by former attempts and
that soon as his design took air the proprietors of those miserable
translations had endeavoured to prejudice his work by industrious insinuations
contrary to truth and fair dealing importing that he did not understand one
word of the language which he pretended to translate This being a case that
nearly concerned the greatest part of the audience it was taken into serious
deliberation some observed that it was not only a malicious effort against the
plaintiff but also a spiteful advertisement to the public tending to promote
an inquiry into the abilities of all other translators few of whom it was well
known were so qualified as to stand the test of such examination Others said
that over and above this consideration which ought to have its due weight with
the college there was a necessity for concerting measures to humble the
presumption of booksellers who had from time immemorial taken all
opportunities to oppress and enslave their authors not only by limiting men of
genius to the wages of a journeyman taylor without even allowing them one
sabbath in the week but also in taking such advantages of their necessities as
were inconsistent with justice and humanity »For example said one of the
members after I myself had acquired a little reputation with the town I was
caressed by one of those tyrants who professed a friendship for me and even
supplied me with money according to the exigencies of my situation so that I
looked upon him as the mirrour of disinterested benevolence and had he known my
disposition and treated me accordingly I should have writ for him upon his own
terms After I had used his friendship in this manner for some time I happened
to have occasion for a small sum of money and with great confidence made
another application to my good friend when all of a sudden he put a stop to his
generosity refused to accommodate me in the most abrupt and mortifying style
and though I was at that time pretty far advanced in a work for his benefit
which was a sufficient security for what I owed him he roundly asked how I
proposed to pay the money which I had already borrowed Thus was I used like a
young whore just come upon the town whom the bawd allows to run into her debt
that she may have it in her power to oppress her at pleasure and if the
sufferer complains she is treated like the most ungrateful wretch upon earth
and that too with such appearance of reason as may easily mislead an
unconcerned spectator You unthankful drab she will say didnt I take you
into my house when you hadnt a shift to your back a petticoat to your tail
nor a morsel of bread to put into your belly Hant I cloathed you from head to
foot like a gentlewoman supported you with board lodging and all necessaries
till your own extravagance hath brought you into distress and now you have the
impudence you nasty stinking brimstone bungaway to say you are hardly dealt
with when I demand no more than my own Thus the whore and the author are
equally oppressed and even left without the melancholy privilege of
complaining so that they are fain to subscribe to such terms as their creditors
shall please to impose«
This illustration operated so powerfully upon the conviction and resentment
of the whole college that revenge was universally denounced against those who
had aggrieved the plaintiff and after some debate it was agreed that he
should make a new translation of some other saleable book in opposition to a
former version belonging to the delinquents and print it in such a small size
as would enable him to undersell their property and that this new translation
should be recommended and introduced into the world with the whole art and
influence of the society
This affair being settled to the satisfaction of all present an author of
some character stood up and craved the advice and assistance of his fellows in
punishing a certain nobleman of great pretensions to taste who in consequence
of a production which this gentleman had ushered into the world with universal
applause not only desired but even eagerly courted his acquaintance »He
invited me to his house said he where I was overwhelmed with civility and
professions of friendship He insisted upon my treating him as an intimate and
calling upon him at all hours without ceremony he made me promise to breakfast
with him at least three times a week In short I looked upon myself as very
fortunate in meeting with such advances from a man of his interest and
reputation who had it in his power to befriend me effectually in my passage
through life and that I might not give him any cause to think I neglected his
friendship I went to his house in two days with a view of drinking chocolate
according to appointment but he had been so much fatigued with dancing at an
assembly over night that his valet de chambre would not venture to wake him so
early and I left my compliments to his lordship with a performance in
manuscript which he had expressed a most eager desire to peruse I repeated my
visit next morning that his impatience to see me might not have some violent
effect upon his constitution and received a message from his minister
signifying that he had been highly entertained with the manuscript I had left
a great part of which he had read but was at present so busy in contriving a
proper dress for a private masquerade which would be given that same evening
that he could not have the pleasure of my company at breakfast This was a
feasible excuse which I admitted accordingly and in a day or two appeared
again when his lordship was particularly engaged This might possibly be the
case and therefore I returned the fourth time in hopes of finding him more at
leisure but he had gone out about half an hour before my arrival and left my
performance with his valet de chambre who assured me that his lord had perused
it with infinite pleasure Perhaps I might have retired very well satisfied with
this declaration had not I in my passage through the hall heard one of the
footmen upon the top of the staircase pronounce with an audible voice Will
your lordship please to be at home when he calls It is not to be supposed that
I was pleased at this discovery which I no sooner made than turning to my
conductor I find said I his lordship is disposed to be abroad to more people
than me this morning The fellow though a valet de chambre blushed at this
observation and I withdrew not a little irritated at the silly peers
disingenuity and fully resolved to spare him my visits for the future It was
not long after this occasion that I happened to meet him in the park and being
naturally civil I could not pass him without a salutation of the hat which he
returned in the most distant manner though we were both solitary and not a
soul within view and when that very performance which he had applauded so
warmly was lately published by subscription he did not bespeak so much as one
copy I have often reflected with wonder upon this ridiculous inconsistency in
the mans conduct which looks like the result of a settled design to render
himself odious and contemptible I never courted his patronage nor indeed
thought of his name until he made interest for my acquaintance and if he was
disappointed in my conversation why did he press me so much to further
connexion«
»The case is very clear cried the chairman interrupting him he is one of
those coxcombs who set up for taste and value themselves upon knowing all men
of genius whom they would be thought to assist in their productions I will lay
an even bet with any man that his lordship on the strength of that slender
interview together with the opportunity of having seen your performance in
manuscript has already hinted to every company in which he is conversant that
you solicited his assistance in retouching the piece which you have now offered
to the publick and that he was pleased to favour you with his advice but found
you obstinately bigotted to your own opinion in some points relating to those
very passages which have not met with the approbation of the town And as for
his caresses there was nothing at all extraordinary in his behaviour By that
time you have lived to my age you will not be surprized to see a courtiers
promise and performance of a different complexion not but that I would
willingly act as an auxiliary to your resentment if I thought it was possible
to make him repent of his pitiful dissimulation but if I guess aright the
person you mean has long ago conquered all sense of probity and shame and
therefore is effectually shielded against the revenge of an author«
The opinion of the president was sanctioned by the concurrence of all the
members and all other complaints and memorials being deferred till another
sitting the college proceeded to an exercise of wit which was generally
performed once every fortnight with a view to promote the expectoration of
genius The subject was occasionally chosen by the chairman who opened the game
with some shrewd remark naturally arising from the conversation and then the
ball was tossed about from one corner of the room to the other according to the
motions of the spirit
That the reader may have a just idea of this sport and of the abilities of
those who carried it on I shall repeat the sallies of this evening according
to the order and succession in which they escaped One of the members observing
that Mr Metaphor was absent was told by the person who sat next to him that
the poet had foul weather at home and could not stir abroad »What said the
president interposing with the signal upon his countenance is he windbound
in port« »Winebound I suppose« cried another »Hooped with wine a strange
metaphor« said a third »Not if he has got into a hogshead« answered a
fourth »The hogshead will sooner get into him replied a fifth it must be a
tun or an ocean« »No wonder then if he should be overwhelmed« said a sixth
»If he should cried a seventh he will cast up when his gall breaks« »That
must be very soon roared an eighth for it has been long ready to burst« »No
no observed a ninth hell stick fast at the bottom take my word for it he
has a natural alacrity in sinking« »And yet remarked a tenth I have seen him
in the clouds« »Then was he cloudy I suppose« cried the eleventh »So dark
replied the other that his meaning could not be perceived« »For all that
said the twelfth he is easily seen through« »You talk answered a
thirteenth as if his head was made of glass« »No no cried a fourteenth his
head is made of more durable stuff it will bend before it breaks« »Yet I have
seen it broken« resumed the president »Did you perceive any wit come out at
the hole« said another »His wit replied the chairman is too subtile to be
perceived«
A third mouth was just opened when the exercise was suddenly interrupted by
the dreadful cry of fire which issued from the kitchen and involved the whole
college in confusion Every man endeavouring to be the first in making his exit
the door and passage were blocked up each individual was pummelled by the
person that happened to be behind him This communication produced noise and
exclamation clouds of smoke rolled upwards into the apartment and terror sat
on every brow when Peregrine seeing no prospect of retreating by the door
opened one of the windows and fairly leapt into the street where he found a
crowd of people assembled to contribute their assistance in extinguishing the
flames Several members of the college followed his example and happily
accomplished their escape the chairman himself being unwilling to use the same
expedient stood trembling on the brink of descent dubious of his own agility
and dreading the consequence of such a leap when a chair happening to pass he
laid hold on the opportunity and by an exertion of his muscles pitched upon the
top of the carriage which was immediately overturned in the kennel to the
grievous annoyance of the fare which happened to be a certain effeminate beau
in full dress on his way to a private assembly
This phantom of a man hearing the noise overhead and feeling the shock of
being overthrown at the same time thought that some whole tenement had fallen
upon the chair and in the terror of being crushed to pieces uttered a scream
which the populace supposed to proceed from the mouth of a woman and therefore
went to his assistance while the chairmen instead of ministring to his
occasions no sooner recollected themselves than they ran in pursuit of their
overthrower who being accustomed to escapes from bailiffs dived into a dark
alley and vanishing in a trice was not visible to any living soul until he
appeared next day on Towerhill
The human part of the mob who bestirred themselves for the relief of the
supposed lady no sooner perceived their mistake in the appearance of the beau
who stared around him with horror and affright than their compassion was
changed into mirth and they began to pass a great many unsavoury jokes upon his
misfortune which they now discovered no inclination to alleviate and he found
himself very uncomfortably beset when Pickle pitying his situation interposed
in his behalf and prevailed upon the chairmen to carry him into the house of an
apothecary in the neighbourhood to whom his mischance proved a very
advantageous accident for the fright operated so violently upon his nerves
that he was seized with a delirium and lay a whole fortnight deprived of his
senses during which period he was not neglected in point of medicines food and
attendance but royally regaled as appeared by the contents of his landlords
bill
Our adventurer having seen this unfortunate beau safely housed returned to
the scene of the other calamity which as it was no other than a foul vent
soon yielded to the endeavours of the family and was happily overcome without
any other bad consequence than that of alarming the neighbours disturbing the
college and disordering the brain of a beau
Eager to be acquainted with the particular constitutions of a society which
seemed to open upon him by degrees Mr Pickle did not fail to appear at the
next meeting when several petitions were laid before the board in behalf of
those members who were confined in the prisons of the Fleet Marshalsea and
Kings bench As those unhappy authors expected nothing from their brethren but
advice and good offices which did not concern the purse their memorials were
considered with great care and humanity and upon this occasion Peregrine had
it in his power to manifest his importance to the community for he happened to
be acquainted with the creditor of one of the prisoners and knew that
gentlemans severity was owing to his resentment at the behaviour of the debtor
who had lampooned him in print because he refused to comply with a fresh
demand after he had lent him money to the amount of a considerable sum Our
young gentleman therefore understanding that the author was penitent and
disposed to make a reasonable submission promised to employ his influence with
the creditor towards an accommodation and in a few days actually obtained his
release
These social duties being discharged the conversation took a general turn
and several new productions were freely criticised those especially which
belonged to authors who were either unconnected with or unknown to the college
Nor did the profession of stageplaying escape the cognizance of the assembly a
deputation of the most judicious members being sent weekly to each theatre with
a view of making remarks upon the performance of the actors The two censors for
the preceding week were accordingly called upon to give in their report and the
plays which they had reviewed were the Fair Penitent and the Revenge The person
who had examined the former of these tragedies owned that he had made no
material observations upon the principal performers he said he was upon the
whole very well entertained tho he had at first mistaken Lothario by his
dress for a puppetshew man hired for the entertainment of the guests at
Calistas wedding and was afterwards a little surprised at his unreasonable
demand when in challenging Horatio to single combat he desired such an
unweildy antagonist to meet him a whole mile among rocks an expedition which
could not be performed without imminent danger of broken bones
Peregrine imagining that this remark proceeded from his ignorance of the
play observed that the critick might possibly be misled by the words of the
defiance which run thus
West of the town a mile among the rocks
Two hours ere noon tomorrow I expect thee
»Sir answered the censor I am not acquainted with the text else I should have
placed my observation to the account of the author instead of the actor who
made a full stop at the word town and then pronounced a mile among the rocks
without the least pause of distinction Perhaps indeed in the researches of
his great penetration he may have discovered that this is the genuine pointing
of the poet and that Lothario had actually a design upon the shins of
Altamonts friend in which case he is to be commended for this among his other
improvements in the art of acting yet I cannot approve of his refinements in
the mystery of dying hard his fall and the circumstances of his death in the
character of this gay libertine being in my opinion a lively representation
of a tinker oppressed with gin who staggers against a post tumbles into the
kennel while his hammer and saucepan drop from his hands makes divers
convulsive efforts to rise and finding himself unable to get up with many
intervening hiccups addresses himself to the surrounding mob«
»I confess replied Pickle the action of that same player is not free from
unnatural violence and ridiculous gesticulation a kind of false fire in which
he finds his account with the audience who never fail to honour it with
particular marks of applause but I think the simile of the tinker is too
severe and rather one of those grotesque comparisons which may subject the most
grave and solemn incidents to ridicule than a fair and candid illustration of
the fact as for the perversion of the authors sense by an impropriety in the
declamation it so commonly occurs even in the most celebrated actors that one
would think it was an obstacle not to be surmounted the delightful lullaby of
the stage is an established recitative which seems to have been composed on the
supposition that the sentence is always concluded at the end of the line and
when the last word happens to begin a new period the sense of the whole must
suffer accordingly I have heard the Æsopus of the age who values himself upon
accurate speaking commit innumerable blunders of this kind one of which I at
present recollect in a passage of a late play which he repeated in this
manner
To beg protection for the men who lie
Trembling behind their ramparts
Thus he brought the poor Romans under the imputation of falshood as well as
fear for according to his pause they told lies as well as trembled behind
their ramparts«
»These are no other than petty oversights said the second censor that
gentleman take him all in all is certainly the most compleat and unblemished
performer that ever appeared on our stage notwithstanding the blind adoration
which is paid to his rival I went two nights ago with an express design to
criticize his action I could find no room for censure but infinite subject for
admiration and applause In Pierre he is great in Othello excellent but in
Zanga beyond all imitation Over and above the distinctness of pronunciation
the dignity of attitude and expression of face his gestures are so just and
significant that a man tho utterly bereft of the sense of hearing might by
seeing him only understand the meaning of every word he speaks Sure nothing
can be more exquisite than his manner of telling Isabella how Alonzo behaved
when he found the incendiary letter which she had dropt by the Moors direction
and when to crown his vengeance he discovers himself to be the contriver of
all the mischief that had happened he manifests a perfect master piece of
action in pronouncing these four little monosyllables Know then twas I«
Peregrine having eyed the critick some minutes »I fancy said he your
praise must be ironical because in the very two situations you mention I
think I have seen that player outherod Herod or, in other words, exceed all
his other extravagances The intention of the author is that the Moor should
communicate to his confidante a piece of information contained in a few lines
which doubtless ought to be repeated with an air of eagerness and
satisfaction not with the ridiculous grimace of a monkey to which methought
his action bore an intimate resemblance in uttering this plain sentence
he took it up
But scarce was it unfolded to his sight
When he as if an arrow piercd his eye
Started and trembling dropt it on the ground
In pronouncing the first two words this egregious actor stoops down and seems
to take up something from the stage then proceeding to repeat what follows
mimicks the manner of unfolding a letter when he mentions the simile of an
arrow piercing the eye he darts his forefinger towards that organ then recoils
with great violence when the word started is expressed and when he comes to
trembling dropt it on the ground he throws all his limbs into a tremulous
motion and shakes the imaginary paper from his hand The latter part of the
description is carried on with the same minute gesticulation while he says
Pale and aghast a while my victim stood
Disguised a sigh or two and puffd them from him
Then rubbd his brow and took it up again
The players countenance assumes a wild stare he sighs twice most piteously as
if he were on the point of suffocation scrubs his forehead and bending his
body apes the action of snatching an object from the floor Nor is this
dexterity of dumb shew omitted when he concludes his intimation in these three
lines
At first he lookd as if he meant to read it
But checkd by rising fears he crushd it thus
And thrust it like an adder in his bosom
Here the judicious performer imitates the confusion and concern of Alonzo seems
to cast his eyes upon something from which they are immediately withdrawn with
horror and precipitation then shutting his fist with a violent squeeze as if
he intended to make immediate application to Isabellas nose he rams it in his
own bosom with all the horror and agitation of a thief taken in the manner
Were the player debarred the use of speech and obliged to act to the eyes only
of the audience this mimickry might be a necessary conveyance of his meaning
but when he is at liberty to signify his ideas by language nothing can be more
trivial forced unnatural and antick than this superfluous mummery Not that I
would exclude from the representation the graces of action without which the
choicest sentiments cloathed in the most exquisite expression would appear
unanimated and insipid but these are as different from this ridiculous
burlesque as is the demeanor of a Tully in the rostrum from the tricks of a
Jackpudding on a mountebanks stage and for the truth of what I alledge I
appeal to the observation of any person who has considered the elegance of
attitude and propriety of gesture as they are universally acknowledged in the
real characters of life Indeed I have known a Gascon whose limbs were as
eloquent as his tongue he never mentioned the word sleep without reclining his
head upon his hand when he had occasion to talk of an horse he always started
up and trotted across the room except when he was so situated that he could not
stir without incommoding the company and in that case he contented himself with
neighing aloud if a dog happened to be the subject of his conversation he
wagged his tail and grinned in a most significant manner and one day he
expressed his desire of going backwards with such natural imitation of his
purpose that every body in the room firmly believed he had actually overshot
himself and fortified their nostrils accordingly Yet no man ever looked upon
this virtuoso to be the standard of propriety in point of speaking and
deportment For my own part I confess the player in question would by dint of
these qualifications make a very good figure in the character of Pantaloons
lacquey in the entertainment of Perseus and Andromeda and perhaps might
acquire some reputation by turning the Revenge into a pantomime in which
cause I would advise him to come upon the stage provided with an handful of
flour in order to besmear his face when he pronounces pale and aghast etc
and methinks he ought to illustrate the adder with an hideous hiss But let us
now come to the other situation in which this modern Æsopus is supposed to
distinguish himself so much I mean that same eclaircissement comprehended in
Know then twas I His manner I own may be altered since I was present at
the representation of that performance but certain I am when I beheld him in
that critical conjuncture his behaviour appeared to me so uncouth that I
really imagined he was visited by some epileptic distemper for he stood
tottering and gasping for the space of two minutes like a man suddenly struck
with the palsy and after various distorsions and sideshakings as if he had
got fleas in his doublet heaved up from his lungs the letter I like a huge
anchor from foul ground«
This criticism was acceptable to the majority of the college who had no
great veneration for the player in question and his admirer without making any
reply asked in a whisper of the gentleman who sat next to him if Pickle had
not offered some production to the stage and met with a repulse This question
was not conveyed so softly but that it reached the ears of our adventurer who
seemed disposed to make some answer when he was prevented by the interposition
of another member who begged the opinion and advice of the community touching
a pastoral which he had just composed Before he had time to produce the
performance to the inspection of the society the chairman observed with a
splenetic air that he ought to have employed his time in some more profitable
amusement than a species of writing in which he had formerly met with so little
success
»True it is replied the author my last production of this kind was not
very favourably received a circumstance intirely owing to the nature of the
subject which did not at all interest the passions of the heart but here my
dear Sir the case is otherwise this pastoral I composed upon the death of my
own grandmother who was a woman in all respects worthy of the tears I have
shed over her tomb and this small composition is the genuine offspring of
unfeigned sorrow the blots which are still visible on the paper indicate the
grief with which I wrote it Lachrymæ fecêre lituras And sure he must have a
flinty heart who can hear it read with an unmoistened eye«
»If that be the case said the president I wish you would spare us the
affliction of hearing it rehearsd all of us I believe have real grievances
of our own so that we need not hunt after imaginary sorrows« The poet
notwithstanding this discouragement beggd hard that he might exhibit a
specimen of his performance and being restricted to a few lines he repeated
the following stanzas with the most rueful emphasis
Where was thou wittol Ward when hapless fate
From these weak arms mine aged grannam tore
These pious arms essayd too late
To drive the dismal phantom from the door
Could not thy healing drop illustrious quack
Could not thy salutary pill prolong her days
For whom so oft to Marybone alack
Thy sorrels draggd thee thro the worst of ways
Oildropping Twicknham did not then detain
Thy steps tho tended by the Cambrian maids
Nor the sweet environs of Drurylane
Nor dusty Pimlicos embowring shades
Nor Whitehall by the rivers bank
Beset with rowers dank
Nor where th Exchange pours forth its tawny sons
Nor where to mix with offal soil and blood
Steep Snowhill rolls the sable flood
Nor where the Mints contaminated kennel runs
Ill doth it now beseem
That thou shouldst doze and dream
When death in mortal armour came
And struck with ruthless dart the gentle dame
Her libral hand and sympathising breast
The brute creation kindly blessd
Whereer she trod grimalkin purrd around
The squeaking pigs her bounty ownd
Nor to the waddling duck or gabbling goose
Did she glad sustenance refuse
The strutting cock she daily fed
And turky with his snout so red
Of chickens careful as the pious hen
Nor did she overlook the tomtit or the wren
While redbreast hoppd before her in the hall
As if she common mother were of all
For my distracted mind
What comfort can I find
O best of grannams thou art dead and gone
And I am left behind to weep and moan
To sing thy dirge in sad funereal lay
Ah woe is me alack and welladay
These interjections at the close of this pathetic elegy were not pronounced
without the sobs and tears of the author who looked wishfully around him for
applause and having wiped his eyes asked the chairmans opinion of what he had
read That cynical gentleman who had no great devotion for the Arcadian
answered with a most equivocal aspect »Sad very sad sad enough to draw tears
from the eyes of a bumbailiff« But as the performance was submitted to the
criticism of the whole society the epic poet stood up and thus communicated
his sentiments
»Without entering upon a minute inquiry into the poetical merits of
particular images I must in general observe that the stanzas are so irregular
in point of measure as well as in the number of the lines that they cannot be
comprehended under any species of the ancient versification Then there are many
dark allusions in the Anistrophe which no reader can possibly understand
together with a catalogue of the names of places for which the author seems to
have rambled strangely from his subject more studious of making a silly parade
of his skill in poetical geography than of interesting the passions of the
heart Indeed one would be apt to conclude from this circumstance that his
grief was mere affectation did not he blubber so piteously in the last verse I
could have wished that more dignity had been preserved in the stanza which
describes the old gentlewomans benevolence and that the last line had been
altogether omitted because it conjures up a most ridiculous image of her having
actually hatched that same poultry which she is said to have tended with such
maternal care«
To these animadversions the censured bard replied that the verse in being
irregular the more nearly resembled the natural exclamations of real
affliction and that such irregularity had not only been excused but even
considered as a beauty in many modern productions He owned that the allusions
might be obscure to some readers and therefore he intended to explain them in
notes at the bottom of the page As to the topical descriptions which the
critic had censured so severely he said they were inserted to amuse and relieve
the imagination of the reader that he might not be too much affected with the
Pathos of the subject and with regard to the line
As if she common mother were of all
far from carrying that ludicrous implication he had mentioned it certainly
conveyed the most amiable and parental idea of the deceased and he did not
doubt that he should find his own opinion confirmed by that of the public in a
very comfortable sale of the work
»So after all this profession of filial tenderness cried the epic bard
the world will have some reason to say you wanted to make a job of your
grandmothers death« »Perhaps answered the other I shall make a present of
the copy to my bookseller« »If you desire to be thought altogether
disinterested in the affair resumed the critic you ought to print a few
copies at your own expence and distribute them gratis among your friends by
these means you will have as good a chance to see your own talents admired and
the memory of your grandame immortalized as if you had sold the property of the
piece for a thousand pounds«
This proposal seemed to disconcert the elegiac writer when the chairman
interposing »Pshaw said he why the devil should he be more delicate in that
respect than those people who sit at the head of taste In every single
circumstance to which you have objected he has expressly imitated not to say
copied the celebrated production of the universal patron« »What replied the
other you mean the famous Gosling Scrag Esq son and heir of Sir Marmaduke
Scrag who seats himself in the chair of judgment and gives sentence upon the
authors of the age I should be glad to know upon what pretensions to genius
this preheminence is founded Do a few flimsy odes barren epistles pointless
epigrams and the superstitious suggestions of an halfwitted enthusiast
intitle him to that eminent rank he maintains in the world of letters or did he
acquire the reputation of a wit by a repetition of trite invectives against a
minister conveyed in a theatrical cadence accompanied with the most ridiculous
gestures before he believed it was his interest to desert his master and
renounce his party For my own part I never perused any of his performances I
never saw him open his mouth in public I never heard him speak in private
conversation without recollecting and applying these two lines in Popes
Dunciad
Dulness delighted eyd the lively dunce
Remembring she herself was pertness once
Yet this antick piece of futility will decide dogmatically upon the merits of
every new work and if the author has not previously scratched himself into his
favour will pronounce upon it with all the insolence and contempt of
supercilious presumption Nor is the levity of his head less provoking than his
arrogance and selfconceit the very performance which he yesterday applauded
will he tomorrow condemn through mere caprice and that which he yesterday
mentioned in terms of disdain will he tomorrow extol to the skies provided
the author will humble himself so far as to adore his superior genius and
meanly beg his protection Never did he befriend a man of poetical merit who
did not court and retain his favour by such slavish prostitution except one
author lately deceased and even he extended his complaisance too far in
complimental lines which the warmth of his gratitude inspired though he would
never submit to the tame criticisms of his patron or offer such an outrage to
his own judgment as to adopt the alterations which he proposed«
»One would imagine said the chairman that you had made an unsuccessful
application to his patronage but notwithstanding all this eloquent
declamation the truth of which I shall not pretend to invalidate I do aver
that Gosling Scrag Esq is at this day the best milchcow that any author ever
stroaked for over and above his vanity which lays him open to the necessities
of all writers who can tickle though never so awkwardly he possesses such a
comfortable share of simplicity or rather lack of penetration as cannot fail
to turn to account with those who practise upon it Let a scribbler for
example creep into his notice by the most abject veneration implore his
judgment upon some performance assume a look of awful admiration at his
remarks receive and read his emendations with pretended extasy exert himself
officiously about his person make interest to be employed in running upon his
errands bawl for him upon all occasions in common conversation prose and
rhime sit in presence of this great man with an apparent sense of his own
nothingness and when he opens his mouth listen with a foolish face of praise
happy if he has an opportunity to feed him with the soft pap of dedication or
by affecting an idiotical ignorance of the manners of life to insinuate himself
into his opinion as a person absolutely detached from all worldly pursuits
like a sly brother of the quill who in going out dropped a bank note upon the
floor of his apartment in such a manner as that it could not escape the notice
of Gosling who viewing it accordingly Heavens said he with his hands and
eyes lifted up what philosophical contempt must that man have for the pleasures
of wealth Yes I insist upon it these are arts which will never fail to engage
the friendship of Mr Scrag which will be sooner or later manifested in some
warm sinecure ample subscription post or reversion and I advise Mr Spondy
to give him the refusal of this same pastoral who knows but he may have the
good fortune of being listed in the number of his beefeaters in which case he
may in process of time be provided for in the customs or church when he is
inclined to marry his own cookwench his gracious patron may condescend to give
the bride away and finally settle him in his old age as a trading
Westminsterjustice«
Mr Spondy thanked the president for his wholesome counsel which he assured
him should not be neglected and the evening being far advanced the assembly
broke up without any other remarkable occurrence
Chapter CIII
The young Gentleman is introduced to a Virtuoso of the first Order and
commences Yelper
Hitherto Peregrine had professed himself an author without reaping the fruits
of that occupation except the little fame he had acquired by his late satire
but now he thought it high time to weigh solid pudding against empty praise and
therefore engaged with some booksellers in a certain translation which he
obliged himself to perform for the consideration of two hundred pounds The
articles of agreement being drawn he began his task with great eagerness rose
early in the morning to his work at which he laboured all day long went abroad
with the bats in the evening and appeared in the coffeehouse where he amused
himself with the newspapers and conversation till nine oclock then he retired
to his own apartment and after a slight repast betook himself to rest that he
might be able to unroost with the cock This sudden change from his former way
of life agreed so ill with his disposition that for the first time he was
troubled with flatulencies and indigestion which produced anxiety and dejection
of spirits and the nature of his situation began in some measure to discompose
his brain a discovery which he no sooner made than he had recourse to the
advice of a young physician who was a member of the college and at this time
one of our heros most intimate acquaintance
This son of Æsculapius having considered his case imputed his disorder to
the right cause namely want of exercise dissuaded him from such close
application to study until he should be gradually familiarized to a sedentary
life advised him to enjoy his friend and his bottle in moderation and wean
himself from his former customs by degrees and above all things to rise
immediately after his first sleep and exercise himself in a morningwalk In
order to render this last part of the prescription the more palatable the
doctor promised to attend him in these early excursions and even to introduce
him to a certain personage of note who gave a sort of public breakfasting to
the minor virtuosi of the age and often employed his interest in behalf of
those who properly cultivated his countenance and approbation
This proposal was extremely acceptable to our young gentleman who besides
the advantage which might accrue to him from such a valuable connexion foresaw
much entertainment and satisfaction in the discourse of so many learned guests
The occasions of his health and interest moreover coincided in another
circumstance the ministers levee being kept betimes in the morning so that he
could perform his walk yield his attendance and breakfast at this
philosophical board without incroaching a great deal upon his other avocations
Measures being thus preconcerted the physician conducted our adventurer to
the house of this celebrated sage to whom he recommended him as a gentleman of
genius and taste who craved the honour of his acquaintance but he had
previously smoothed the way to this introduction by representing Peregrine as a
young fellow of great ambition spirit and address who could not fail to make a
figure in the world that therefore he would be a creditable addition to the
subordinates of such a patron and by his qualifications intrepidity and warmth
of temper turn out a consummate herald of his fame Upon these considerations
he met with a most engaging reception from the entertainer who was a wellbred
man of some learning generosity and taste but his foible was the desire of
being thought the inimitable pattern of all three
It was with a view to acquire and support this character that his house was
open to all those who had any pretensions to literature consequently he was
surrounded by a strange variety of pretenders but none were discouraged
because he knew that even the most insignificant might in some shape conduce
to the propagation of his praise A babbler tho he cannot run upon the scent
may spring the game and by his yelping help to fill up the cry no wonder then
that a youth of Pickles accomplishments was admitted and even invited into the
pack After having enjoyed a very short private audience in the closet our
young gentleman was shewn into another room where half a dozen of his
fellowadherents waited for their Mæcenas who in a few minutes appeared with a
most gracious aspect received the compliments of the morning and sat down to
breakfast in the midst of them without any further ceremony
The conversation at first turned upon the weather which was investigated in
a very philosophical manner by one of the company who seemed to have consulted
all the barometers and thermometers that ever were invented before he would
venture to affirm that it was a chill morning This subject being accurately
discussed the chief inquired about the news of the learned world and his
inclination was no sooner expressed than every guest opened his mouth in order
to gratify his curiosity but he that first captivated his attention was a
meagre shrivelled antiquary who looked like an animated mummy which had been
scorched among the sands of the desert He told the patron that he had by
accident met with a medal which tho it was defaced by time he would venture
to pronounce a genuine antique from the ringing and taste of the metal as well
as from the colour and composition of the rust so saying he produced a piece
of copper coin so consumed and disguised by age that scarce a vestige of the
impression was to be perceived Nevertheless this connoisseur pretended to
distinguish a face in profil from which he concluded that the piece was of the
Upper empire and on the reverse he endeavoured to point out the bulb of the
spear and part of the parazonium which were the insignia of the Roman Virtus
together with the fragment of one fold of the multicium in which she was
cloathed He likewise had discovered one angle of the letter N and at some
distance an intire I from these circumstances conjecturing and indeed
concluding that the medal was struck by Severus in honour of the victory he
obtained over his rival Niger after he had forced the passes of mount Taurus
This criticism seemed very satisfactory to the entertainer who having examined
the coin by the help of his spectacles plainly discerned the particulars which
the owner had mentioned and was pleased to term his account of the matter a
very ingenious explanation
The curiosity was circulated through the hands of all present and every
virtuoso in his turn licked the copper and rung it upon the hearth declaring
his assent to the judgment which had been pronounced At length it fell under
the inspection of our young gentleman who tho no antiquarian was very well
acquainted with the current coin of his own country and no sooner cast his eyes
upon this valuable antique than he affirmed without hesitation that it was no
other than the ruins of an English farthing and that same spear parazonium
and multicium the remains of the emblems and drapery with which the figure of
Britannia is delineated on our coppermoney
This hardy asseveration seemed to disconcert the patron while it incensed
the medallist who grinning like an enraged baboon »What dye tell me of a
brass farthing said he Did you ever know modern brass of such a relish Do
but taste it young gentleman and sure I am if you have ever been conversant
with subjects of this kind you will find as wide a difference in the savour
between this and an English farthing as can possibly be perceived betwixt an
onion and a turnip besides this medal has the true Corinthian ring then the
attitude is upright whereas that of Britannia is reclining and how is it
possible to mistake a branch of palm for a parazonium«
All the rest of the company espoused the virtuosos side of the question
because the reputation of each was concerned and the patron finding himself in
the same predicament assumed a solemnity of feature dashed with a small
mixture of displeasure and told Peregrine that as he had not made that branch
of literature his particular study he was not surprised to see him mistaken in
his opinion Pickle immediately understood the reproof and tho he was shocked
at the vanity or infatuation of his entertainer and fellowguests asked pardon
for his presumption which was accordingly excused in consideration of his
inexperience and the English farthing dignified with the title of a true
antique
The next person that addressed himself to the chief was a gentleman of a
very mathematical turn who valued himself upon the improvements he had made in
several domestic machines and now presented the plan of a new contrivance for
cutting cabbages in such a manner as would secure the stock against the rotting
rain and enable it to produce a plenteous aftercrop of delicious sprouts In
this important machine he had united the whole mechanic powers with such massy
complication of iron and wood that it could not have been moved without the
assistance of an horse and a road made for the convenience of the draught
These objections were so obvious that they occurred at first sight to the
inspectorgeneral who greatly commended the invention which he observed
might be applied to several other useful purposes could it once be rendered a
little more portable and commodious
The inventor who had not foreseen these difficulties was not prepared to
surmount them but he took the hint in good part and promised to task his
abilities anew in altering the constitution of his design Not but that he
underwent some severe irony from the rest of the virtuosi who complimented him
upon the momentous improvement he had made by which a family might save a dish
of greens in a quarter for so trifling an expence as that of purchasing
working and maintaining such a stupendous machine but no man was more sarcastic
in his remarks upon this piece of mechanism than the naturalist who next
appealed to the patrons approbation for a curious disquisition he had made
touching the procreation of muck flies in which he had laid down a curious
method of collecting preserving and hatching the eggs of these insects even in
the winter by certain modifications of artificial heat The nature of this
discovery was no sooner communicated than Peregrine unable to contain himself
burst into a fit of laughter which infected every person at the table the
landlord himself not excepted who found it impossible to preserve his wonted
gravity of face
Such unmannerly mirth did not fail to mortify the philosopher who after
some pause during which indignation and disdain were painted in his
countenance reprehended our young gentleman for his unphilosophical behaviour
and undertook to prove that the subject of his inquiry was of infinite
consequence to the progress and increase of natural knowledge but he found no
quarter from the vengeful engineer who now retorted his ironical compliments
with great emphasis upon this hotbed for the generation of vermin and advised
him to lay the whole process before the Royal Society which would doubtless
present him with a medal and give him a place among their memoirs as a
distinguished promoter of the useful arts »If said he you had employed your
studies in finding out some effectual method to destroy those insects which
prejudice and annoy mankind in all probability you must have been contented
with the contemplation of the good you had done but this curious expedient for
multiplying maggots will surely intitle you to an honourable rank in the list
of learned philosophers« »I dont wonder replied the naturalist that you
should be so much adverse to the propagation of insects because in all
likelihood you are afraid that they will not leave you a cabbage to cut down
with that same miraculous machine« »Sir answered the mechanic with great
bitterness of voice and aspect if the cabbage be as lightheaded as some
muckworm philosophers it will not be worth cutting down« »I never dispute
upon cabbage with the son of a cucumber« said the flybreeder alluding to the
pedigree of his antagonist who impatient of the affront started up with fury
in his looks exclaiming »Sdeath meaning me Sir«
Here the patron perceiving things drawing towards a rupture interposed his
authority rebuking them for their intemperance and recommending to them amity
and concord against the Goths and Vandals of the age who took all opportunities
of ridiculing and discouraging the adherents of knowledge and philosophy After
this exhortation they had no pretence for carrying on the dispute which was
dropt in all appearance tho the mechanick still retained his resentment and
after breakfast when the company broke up accosted his adversary in the
street desiring to know how he durst be so insolent as to make that scurrilous
reflection upon his family the flyfancier thus questioned accused the
mathematician of having been the aggressor in likening his head to a light
cabbage and here the altercation being renewed the engineer proceeded to the
illustration of his mechanicks tilting up his hand like a ballance thrusting
it forward by way of lever embracing the naturalists nose like a wedge betwixt
two of his fingers and turning it round with the momentum of a screw or
peritrochium Had they been obliged to decide the dispute with equal arms the
assailant would have had a great advantage over the other who was very much his
inferior in muscular strength but the philosopher being luckily provided with
a cane no sooner disengaged himself from this opprobrious application than he
handled his weapon with great dexterity about the head and shoulders of his
antagonist who finding this shower of blows very disagreeable was fain to
betake himself to his heels for shelter and was pursued by the angry victor
who chased him from one end of the street to the other affording unspeakable
satisfaction to the multitude as well as to our hero and his introductor who
were spectators of the whole scene
Thus was our adventurer initiated in the society of Yelpers tho he did not
as yet fully understand the nature of his office which was explained by the
young physician who chid him for his blunt behaviour in the case of the medal
and gave him to understand that their patrons favour was neither to be gained
nor preserved by any man that would pretend to convict him of a mistake he
therefore counselled him to respect this foible and cultivate the old gentleman
with all the zeal and veneration which a regard to his own character would
permit him to pay This task was the easier to one of our young gentlemans
pliant disposition because the virtuosos behaviour was absolutely free from
that insolent selfconceit which he could not bear without disgust the senior
was on the contrary mild and beneficient and Pickle was rather pleased than
shocked at this weakness because it flattered his vanity with the supposition
of his own superior sense
Cautioned in this manner Peregrine profited so much by his insinuating
qualifications that in a very little time he was looked upon as one of the
chief favourites of the patron to whom he dedicated a small occasional poem
and every body believed he would reap the fruits of his attachment among the
first of the old gentlemans dependants
Chapter CIV
Peregrine finding himself neglected by Sir Steady Steerwell expostulates with
him in a Letter in consequence of which he is forbid his House loses his
Pension and incurs the Reputation of a Lunatick
This prospect of success together with his expectations from the minister whom
he did not neglect helped to comfort him under the reverse of fortune which he
had undergone and the uncertainty of the lawsuit which he still maintained
for the recovery of his ten thousand pounds The lawyers indeed continued to
drain his pocket of money while they filled his brain with unsubstantial hope
and he was actually obliged to borrow money from his bookseller on the
strength of the translation in order to satisfy the demands of those ravenous
harpies rather than lay the Misanthrope under any difficulties or have
recourse to his friend Hatchway who lived at the garrison intirely ignorant of
his distress and this was not at all alleviated by the arrival of the Indiaman
in which he had ventured seven hundred pounds as we have already observed for
he was given to understand that the borrower was left dangerously ill at Bombay
when the ship sailed and that his chance for retrieving his money was extremely
slender
So situated it is not to be supposed that he led a life of tranquillity
tho he made a shift to struggle with the remonstrances of misfortune yet such
a gush of affliction would sometimes rush upon his thought as overwhelmed all
the ideas of his hope and sunk him to the very bottom of despondence Every
equipage that passed him in the street every person of rank and fortune that
occurred to his view recalled the gay images of his former life with such
mortifying reflection as stabbed him to the very soul He lived therefore
incessantly exposed to all the pangs of envy and disquiet When I say envy I do
not mean that sordid passion in consequence of which a man repines at his
neighbours success howsoever deserved but that selftormenting indignation
which is inspired by the prosperity of folly ignorance and vice Without the
intervening gleams of enjoyment which he felt in the conversation of a few
friends he could not have supported his existence or at least he must have
suffered some violent discomposure of the brain but one is still finding some
circumstance of alleviation even in the worst of conjunctures and Pickle was
so ingenious in these researches that he maintained a good battle with
disappointment till the revolution of the term at which he had received his
pension of three hundred pounds
However seeing the day elapse without touching his allowance
notwithstanding his significant method of presenting himself at the ministers
levee when the year was expired he wrote a letter to Sir Steady reminding him
of his situation and promise and giving him to understand that his occasions
were such as compelled him to demand his salary for the ensuing year
In the morning after this letter was conveyed the author went to his
honours house in expectation of being admitted by particular order but was
mistaken in his hope the minister not being visible He then made his
appearance at the levee in hopes of being closetted but though he took all
opportunities of watching Sir Steadys eyes he could not obtain one glance and
had the pleasure of seeing him retire without being favoured with the least
notice These circumstances of wilful neglect were not over and above agreeable
to our hero who in the agonies of vexation and resentment went home and
composed a most acrimonious remonstrance to his honour in consequence of which
he was not only deprived of all pretensions to a private audience but expressly
denied admittance on a public day by Sir Steadys own order
This prohibition which announced his total ruin filled him with rage
horror and despair he cursed the porter who signified the ministers command
threatening to chastise him upon the spot for his presumption and vented the
most virulent imprecations upon his master to the astonishment of those who
chanced to enter during this conference Having exhausted himself in these vain
exclamations he returned to his lodgings in a most frantic condition biting
his lips so that the blood ran from his mouth dashing his head and fists
against the sides of his chimney and weeping with the most bitter expressions
of woe
Pipes whose perception had been just sufficient to let him see that there
was some difference between the present and former situation of his master
overhearing his transports essayed to enter his apartment with a view of
administring consolation and finding the door locked on the inside desired
admittance protesting that otherwise he would down with the bulkhead in the
turning of an handspike Peregrine ordered him to retire on pain of his
displeasure and swore that if he should offer to break open the door he would
instantly shoot him through the head Tom without paying the least regard to
this injunction set himself at work immediately and his master exasperated at
his want of reverence and respect which in his present paroxysm appeared with
the most provoking aggravation flew into his closet and snatching up one of
his pistols already loaded no sooner saw his valet enter the apartment in
consequence of having forced the lock than he presented full at his face and
drew the trigger but happily the priming flashed in the pan without
communicating with the charge so that his furious purpose did not take effect
upon the countenance of honest Pipes who disregardful of the attempt though he
knew the contents of the piece asked without the least alteration of feature
if it must be foul weather through the whole voyage
Peregrine mad as he was repented of his mischievous intent against such a
faithful adherent in the very moment of execution and had it proved fatal
according to the design in all probability he would have applied another to his
own head There are certain considerations that strike upon the mind with
irresistible force even in the midst of its distraction the momentary
recollection of some particular scene occasioned by the features of the devoted
victim hath often struck the dagger from the assassins hand By such an
impulse was Pipes protected from any repeated effort of his masters rage the
friendly cause of his present disobedience flashed upon the conviction of
Peregrine when he beheld the rugged front of his valet in which also stood
disclosed his long and faithful service together with the recommendation of the
deceased commodore
Though his wrath was immediately suppressed and his heart torn with remorse
for what he had done his brows remained still contracted and darting a most
ferocious regard at the intruder »Villain said he how dare you treat me with
such disrespect« »Why shouldnt I lend a hand for the preservation of the ship
answered the unruffled Pipes when there is more sail than ballast aboard and
the pilot quits the helm in despair What signifies one or two broken voyages
so long as our timbers are strong and our vessel in good trim if she loses
upon one tack mayhap she may gain upon another and Ill be damnd if one day
or other we dont fetch up our leeway as for the matter of provision you have
started a pretty good stock of money into my hold and you are welcome to hoist
it up again when you wool«
Here Tom was interrupted by the arrival of Mr Crabtree who seeing
Peregrine with a pistol in his hand and such wild disorder in his looks his
head hands and mouth besmeared with blood and moreover smelling the
gunpowder which had been burnt actually believed he had either committed or
was bent upon murder and accordingly retreated down stairs with infinite
dispatch though all his speed could not convey him without the reach of Pipes
who overtaking him in the passage carried him back into his masters apartment
observing by the way that this was no time to sheer off when his consort stood
in need of his assistance
There was something so ruefully severe in the countenance of Cadwallader
thus compelled that at any other time our hero would have laughed at his
concern but at present there was nothing risible in his disposition he had
however laid aside his pistol and endeavoured though in vain to compose his
internal disturbance for he could not utter one syllable to the Misanthrope
but stood staring at him in silence with a most delirious aspect which did not
tend to dispel the dismay of his friend who after some recollection »I wonder
said he that you have never killed your man before Pray how may you have
disposed of the body« Pickle having recovered the faculty of speech ordered
his lacquey out of the room and in a most incoherent detail made Crabtree
acquainted with the perfidious conduct of the minister
The confident was very glad to find his fears disappointed for he had
really concluded that some life was lost and perceiving the youth too much
agitated to be treated by him in his usual stile he owned that Sir Steady was a
rascal encouraged Pickle with the hope of being one day able to make reprisals
upon him in the mean time offered him money for his immediate occasions
exhorted him to exert his own qualifications in rendering himself independent of
such miscreants and finally counselled him to represent his wrongs to the
nobleman whom he had formerly obliged with a view of interesting that peer in
his behalf or at least of obtaining a satisfactory explanation from the
minister that he might take no premature measures of revenge
These admonitions were so much milder and more agreeable than our hero
expected from the Misanthrope that they had a very favourable effect upon his
transports which gradually subsided until he became so tractable as to
promise that he would conform to his advice in consequence of which he next
morning waited upon his lordship who received him very politely as usual and
with great patience heard his complaint which by the bye he could not repeat
without some hasty ebullitions of passionate resentment This peer after having
gently disapproved of the letter of expostulation which had produced such
unfortunate effects kindly undertook to recommend his case to the minister and
actually performed his promise that same day when Sir Steady informed him to
his utter astonishment that the poor young gentleman was disordered in his
brain so that he could not possibly be provided for in a place of importance
with any regard to the service and it could not be expected that he Sir
Steady would support his extravagance from his own private purse that he had
indeed at the solicitation of a nobleman deceased made him a present of three
hundred pounds in consideration of some loss that he pretended to have
sustained in an election but since that time had perceived in him such
indisputable marks of lunacy both by his distracted letters and personal
behaviour as obliged him to give order that he should not be admitted into the
house To corroborate this assertion the minister actually called in the
evidence of his own porter and one of the gentlemen of his houshold who had
heard the execrations that escaped our youth when he first found himself
excluded In short the nobleman was convinced that Peregrine was certainly and
bona fide mad as a March hare and by the help of this intimation began to
recollect some symptoms of distraction which appeared in his last visit he
remembered a certain incoherence in his speech a violence of gesture and
wildness of look that now evidently denoted a disturbed understanding and he
determined for his own credit and security to disentangle himself from such a
dangerous acquaintance
With this view he in imitation of Sir Steady commanded his gate to be
shut against our adventurer so that when he went to know the result of his
lordships conference with the minister the door was flung in his face and the
janitor told him through an iron grate that he needed not give himself the
trouble of calling again for his lord desired to be excused from seeing him He
spoke not a word in answer to this declaration which he immediately imputed to
the ill offices of the minister against whom he breathed defiance and revenge
in his way to the lodgings of Cadwallader who being made acquainted with the
manner of his reception beggd he would desist from all schemes of vengeance
until he Crabtree should be able to unriddle the mystery of the whole which
he did not doubt of unveiling by means of his acquaintance with a family in
which his lordship often spent the evening at whist
It was not long before he had the desired opportunity the nobleman being
under no injunctions or obligation to keep the affair secret discovered the
young gentlemans misfortune by way of news to the first company in which he
happened to be and Peregrines name was not so obscure in the fashionable
world but that his disorder became the general topic of conversation for a day
so that his friend soon partook of the intelligence and found means to learn
the particulars of the ministers information as above related Nay he was in
danger of becoming a proselyte to Sir Steadys opinion when he recalled and
compared every circumstance which he knew of Pickles impatience and
impetuosity
Indeed nothing more easily gains credit than an imputation of madness fixed
upon any person whatsoever for when the suspicion of the world is roused and
its observation once set at work the wisest the coolest man upon earth will
by some particulars in his behaviour convict himself of the charge every
singularity in his dress and manner and such are observable in every person
that before passed unheeded now rises up in judgment against him with all the
exaggeration of the observers fancy and the sagacious examiner perceives
distraction in every glance of the eye turn of the finger and motion of the
head when he speaks there is a strange peculiarity in his argument and
expression when he holds his tongue his imagination teems with some
extravagant reverie his sobriety of demeanour is no other than a lucid
interval and his passion mere delirium
If people of the most sedate and insipid life and conversation are subject
to such criticisms no wonder that they should take place upon a youth of
Peregrines fiery disposition which on some occasions would have actually
justified any remarks of this kind which his greatest enemies could make He
was accordingly represented as one of those enterprizing Bucks who after
having spent their fortunes in riot and excess are happily bereft of their
understanding and consequently insensible of the want and disgrace which they
have intailed upon themselves
Cadwallader himself was so much affected with the report that for some time
he hesitated in his deliberations upon our hero before he could prevail upon
himself to communicate to him the information he had received or to treat him
in other respects as a man of sound intellects At length however he ventured
to make Pickle acquainted with the particulars he had learnd imparting them
with such caution and circumlocution as he thought necessary to prevent the
young gentleman from transgressing all bounds of temper and moderation but for
once he was agreeably deceived in his prognostic Incensed as our hero was at
the conduct of the minister he could not help laughing at the ridiculous
aspersion which he told his friends he would soon refute in a manner that
should not be very agreeable to his calumniator observing that it was a common
practice with this state pilot thus to slander those people to whom he lay
under obligations which he had no mind to discharge »True it is said
Peregrine he has succeeded more than once in contrivances of this kind having
actually reduced divers people of weak heads to such extremity of despair as
hath issued in downright distraction whereby he was rid of their importunities
and his judgment confirmed at the same time but I have now thank heaven
attained to such a pitch of philosophical resolution as will support me against
all his machinations and I will forthwith exhibit the monster to the public in
his true lineaments of craft perfidy and ingratitude«
This indeed was the plan with which Mr Pickle had amused himself during the
researches of Crabtree and by this time it so effectually flattered his
imagination that he believed he should be able to bring his adversary in spite
of all his power to his own terms of submission by distinguishing himself in
the list of those who at that period wrote against the administration Nor was
this scheme so extravagant as it may seem to be had not he overlooked one
material circumstance which Cadwallader himself did not recollect when he
approved of this project
While he thus meditated vengeance the fame of his disorder in due course
of circulation reached the ears of that lady of quality whose memoirs have
appeared in the third volume of these adventures The correspondence with which
she had honoured our hero had been long broke off for the reason already
advanced namely his dread of being exposed to her infatuating charms He had
been candid enough to make her acquainted with this cause of exiling himself
from her presence and she admitted the prudence of his selfrestraint although
she could have been very well satisfied with the continuance of his intimacy and
conversation which were not at all beneath the desire of any lady in the
kingdom Notwithstanding this interruption she still retained a friendship and
regard for his character and felt all the affliction of a humane heart at the
news of his misfortunes and deplorable distemper She had seen him courted and
cultivated in the sunshine of his prosperity but she knew from sad experience
how all those insect followers shrink away in the winter of distress Her
compassion represented him as a poor unhappy lunatic destitute of all the
necessaries of life dragging about the ruins of human nature and exhibiting
the spectacle of blasted youth to the scorn and abhorrence of his
fellowcreatures Aking with these charitable considerations she found means to
learn in what part of the town he lodged and laying aside all superfluous
ceremony went in a hackneychair to his door which was opened by the
everfaithful Pipes
Her ladyship immediately recollected the features of this trusty follower
whom she could not help loving in her heart for his attachment and fidelity
which after she had applauded with a most gracious commendation she kindly
inquired after the state of his masters health and asked if he was in a
condition to be seen
Tom who could not suppose that the visit of a fine lady would be
unacceptable to a youth of Peregrines complexion made no verbal reply to the
question but beckoning her ladyship with an arch significance of feature at
which she could not forbear smiling he walked softly up stairs and she in
obedience to the signal followed her guide into the apartment of our hero whom
she found at a writingtable in the very act of composing an eulogium upon his
good friend Sir Steady The nature of his work had animated his countenance with
an uncommon degree of vivacity and being dressed in a neat dishabille his
figure could not have appeared to more advantage in the eye of a person who
despised the tinsel of unnecessary ornament She was extremely well pleased to
see her expectations so agreeably disappointed for instead of the squalid
circumstances and wretched looks attending indigence and distraction every
thing was decent and genteel and the patients aspect such as betokened
internal satisfaction Hearing the rustling of silk in his room he lifted up
his eyes from the paper and seeing her ladyship was struck with astonishment
and awe as at the unexpected apparition of some supernatural being
Before he could recollect himself from his confusion which called the blood
into his cheeks she told him that on the strength of old acquaintance she
was come to visit him though it was a long time since he had given her good
reason to believe he had absolutely forgot that there was such a person as she
in being After having made the most warm acknowledgments for this unforeseen
honour he assured her ladyship that the subject of her reproach was not his
fault but rather his very great misfortune and that if it had been in his
power to forget her so easily as she seemed to imagine he should never have
given her cause to tax him with want of duty and respect
Still dubious of his situation she began to converse with him on different
subjects and he acquitted himself so well in every particular that she no
longer doubted his having been misrepresented by the malice of his enemies and
candidly told him the cause and intent of her coming He was not deficient in
expressions of gratitude for this instance of her generosity and friendship
which even drew tears from his eyes and as to the imputation of madness he
explained it so much to her ladyships satisfaction that she evidently
perceived he had been barbarously dealt with and that the charge was no other
than a most villainous aspersion
Notwithstanding all his endeavours to conceal the true state of his
finances it was impossible for him to give this detail without disclosing some
of the difficulties under which he laboured and her ladyships sagacity
divining the rest she not only made him a tender of assistance but presenting
a banknote for a considerable sum insisted upon his acceptance of it as a
trifling mark of her esteem and a specimen of what she was inclined to do in
his behalf But this mark of her benevolence he would by no means receive
assuring her that though his affairs were at present a little perplexed he had
never felt the least circumstance of distress and begging that she would not
subject him to the burthen of such an unnecessary obligation
Being obliged to put up with this refusal she protested she would never
forgive him should she ever hear that he rejected her offer when he stood in
need of her aid or if in time to come he should not apply to her friendship
if ever he should find himself incommoded in point of fortune »An overdelicacy
in this respect said she I shall look upon as a disapprobation of my own
conduct because I myself have been obliged to have recourse to my friends in
such emergencies«
These generous remonstrances and marks of particular friendship could not
fail to make deep impression upon the heart of our hero which still smarted
from the former impulse of her charms he not only felt all those transports
which a man of honour and sensibility may be supposed to feel upon such an
occasion but the sentiments of a more tender passion awaking in his breast he
could not help expressing himself in terms adapted to the emotions of his soul
and at length plainly told her that were he disposed to be a beggar he would
ask something of infinitely more importance to his peace than the charitable
assistance she had proffered
Her ladyship had too much penetration to mistake his meaning but as she did
not chuse to encourage his advances pretended to interpret his intimation into
a general compliment of gallantry and in a jocose manner desired he would not
give her any reason to believe his lucid interval was past »In faith my lady
said he I perceive the fit coming on and I dont see why I may not use the
privilege of my distemper so far as to declare myself one of your most
passionate admirers« »If you do replied her ladyship I shall not be fool
enough to believe a madman unless I were assured that your disorder proceeded
from your love and that this was the case I suppose you would find it
difficult to prove« »Nay Madam cried the youth I have in this drawer what
will convince you of my having been mad on that strain and since you doubt my
pretensions you must give me leave to produce my testimonials« So saying he
opened a scrutore and taking out a paper presented her with the following
song which he had written in her praise immediately after he was made
acquainted with the particulars of her story
I
While with fond rapture and amaze
On thy transcendent charms I gaze
My cautious soul essays in vain
Her peace and freedom to maintain
Yet let that blooming form divine
Where grace and harmony combine
Those eyes like genial orbs that move
Dispensing gladness joy and love
In all their pomp assail my view
Intent my bosom to subdue
My breast by wary maxims steeld
Not all those charms shall force to yield
II
But when invokd to beautys aid
I see th enlightend soul displayd
That soul so sensibly sedate
Amid the storms of froward fate
Thy genius active strong and clear
Thy wit sublime tho not severe
The social ardour void of art
That glows within thy candid heart
My spirits sense and strength decay
My resolution dies away
And evry faculty opprest
Almighty love invades my breast
Her ladyship having perused this production »Were I inclined to be suspicious
said she I should believe that I had no share in producing this composition
which seems to have been inspired by a much more amiable object However I will
take your word for your intention and thank you for the unmerited compliment
though I have met with it in such an accidental manner Nevertheless I must be
so free as to tell you it is now high time for you to contract that unbounded
spirit of gallantry which you have indulged so long into a sincere attachment
for the fair Emilia who by all accounts deserves the whole of your attention
and regard« His nerves thrilled at mention of that name which he never heard
pronounced without agitation and rather than undergo the consequence of a
conversation upon this subject he chose to drop the theme of love altogether
and industriously introduced some other topic of discourse
Chapter CV
He writes against the Minister by whose Instigation he is arrested and moves
himself by Habeas Corpus into the Fleet
My lady having prolonged her stay beyond the period of a common visit and
repeated her protestations in the most frank and obliging manner took her leave
of our adventurer who promised to pay his respects to her in a few days at her
own house Mean while he resumed his task and having finished a most severe
remonstrance against Sir Steady not only with regard to his private
ingratitude but also to his maleadministration of public affairs he sent it
to the author of a weekly paper who had been long a professed reformer in
politics and it appeared in a very few days with a note of the publisher
desiring the favour of a further correspondence with the author
The animadversions contained in this small essay were so spirited and
judicious and a great many new lights thrown upon the subject with such
perspicuity as attracted the notice of the public in an extraordinary manner
and helped to raise the character of the paper in which it was inserted The
minister was not the last who examined the performance which in spite of all
his boasted temper provoked him to such a degree that he set his emissaries at
work and by dint of corruption procured a sight of the manuscript in
Peregrines own handwriting which he immediately recognized and for further
confirmation of his opinion compared with the two letters which he had received
from our adventurer Had he known the young gentlemans talents for declamation
were so acute perhaps he would never have given him cause to complain but
employed him in the vindication of his own measures nay he might still have
treated him like some other authors whom he had brought over from the
opposition had not the keenness of this first assault incensed him to a desire
of revenge He therefore no sooner made this discovery than he conveyed his
directions to his dependant the receivergeneral who was possessed of Pickles
notes and next day while our author stood within a circle of his acquaintance
at a certain coffeehouse holding forth with great eloquence upon the diseases
of the state he was accosted by a bailiff who entering the room with five or
six followers told him aloud that he had a writ against him for twelve hundred
pounds at the suit of Mr Ravage Gleanum
The whole company were astonished at this address which did not fail to
discompose the defendant himself who as it were instinctively in the midst of
his confusion saluted the officer across the head with his cane in consequence
of which application he was surrounded and disarmed in an instant by the gang
who carried him off to the next tavern in the most opprobrious manner Nor did
one of the spectators interpose in his behalf or visit him in his confinement
with the least tender of advice or assistance such is the zeal of a
coffeehouse friendship
This stroke was the more severe upon our hero as it was altogether
unexpected for he had utterly forgot the debt for which he was arrested His
present indignation was however chiefly kindled against the bailiff who had
done his office in such a disrespectful manner and the first use he made of his
recollection in the house to which they conducted him was to chastise him for
the insolence and indecency of his behaviour This task he performed with his
bare fists every other weapon being previously conveyed out of his reach and
the delinquent underwent his discipline with surprising patience and
resignation asking pardon with great humility and protesting before God that
he had never willingly and wittingly used any gentleman with ill manners but
had been commanded to arrest our adventurer according to the express direction
of the creditor on pain of forfeiting his place
By this declaration Peregrine was appeased and out of a delirium of
passion waked to all the horrors of reflection All the glory of his youth was
now eclipsed all the blossoms of his hope were blasted and he saw himself
doomed to the miseries of a jail without the least prospect of enlargement
except in the issue of his lawsuit of which he had for some time past grown
less and less confident every day What would become of the unfortunate if the
constitution of the mind did not permit them to bring one passion into the field
against another passions that operate in the human breast like poisons of a
different nature extinguishing each others effect Our heros grief reigned in
full despotism until it was deposed by revenge during the predominancy of
which he considered every thing which had happened as a circumstance conducive
to its gratification »If I must be prisoner for life said he to himself if I
must relinquish all my gay expectations let me at least have the satisfaction
of clanking my chains so as to interrupt the repose of my adversary and let me
search in my own breast for that peace and contentment which I have not been
able to find in all the scenes of my success In being detached from the world
I shall be delivered from folly and ingratitude as well as exempted from an
expence which I should have found it very difficult if not impracticable to
support I shall have little or no temptation to mispend my time and more
undisturbed opportunity to earn my subsistence and prosecute my revenge After
all a jail is the best tub to which a cynic philosopher can retire«
In consequence of these comfortable reflections he sent a letter to Mr
Crabtree with an account of his misfortune signifying his resolution to move
himself immediately into the Fleet and desiring that he would send him some
understanding attorney of his acquaintance who would direct him in the steps
necessary to be taken for that purpose The Misanthrope upon the receit of this
intimation went in person to a lawyer whom he accompanied to the
spunginghouse whither the prisoner had by this time retired and Peregrine
was under the auspices of this director conducted to the judges chamber
where he was left in the custody of a tipstaff and after having paid for a
warrant of Habeas Corpus by him conveyed to the Fleet and delivered to the
care of the warden
Here he was introduced to the lodge in which he was obliged to expose
himself a full half hour to the eyes of all the turnkeys and doorkeepers who
took an accurate survey of his person that they might know him again at first
sight and then he was turned loose into the place called the masters side
having given a valuable consideration for that privilege This is a large range
of building containing some hundreds of lodgingrooms for the convenience of
the prisoners who pay so much per week for that accommodation In short this
community is like a city detached from all communication with the neighbouring
parts regulated by its own laws and furnished with peculiar conveniences for
the use of the inhabitants There is a coffeehouse for the resort of gentlemen
in which all sorts of liquors are kept and a public kitchen where any quantity
of meat is sold at a very reasonable rate or any kind of provision boiled and
roasted gratis for the poor prisoners nay there are certain servants of the
public who are obliged to go to market at the pleasure of individuals without
fee or reward from those who employ them nor are they cooped up so as to be
excluded from the benefit of fresh air there being an open area of a
considerable extent adjacent to the building on which they may exercise
themselves in walking skittles bowls and variety of other diversions
according to the inclination of each
Our adventurer being admitted a denizen of this community found himself
bewildered in the midst of strangers who by their appearance did not at all
prepossess him in their favour and after having strolled about the place with
his friend Cadwallader repaired to the coffeehouse in order to be further
informed of the peculiar customs which it was necessary for him to know
There while he endeavoured to pick up intelligence from the barkeeper he
was accosted by a person in canonicals who very civilly asking if he was a
newcomer and being answered in the affirmative gave him the salutation of
welcome to the society and with great hospitality undertook to initiate him
in the constitutions of the brotherhood This humane clergyman gave him to
understand that his first care ought to be that of securing a lodging telling
him there was a certain number of apartments in the prison let at the same
price though some were more commodious than others and that when the better
sort became vacant by the removal of their possessors those who succeeded in
point of seniority had the privilege of occupying the empty tenements
preferable to the rest of the inhabitants howsoever respectable they might
otherwise be that when the jail was very much crowded there was but one
chamber allotted for two lodgers but this was not considered as any great
hardship on the prisoners because in that case there was always a sufficient
number of males who willingly admitted the females to a share of their
apartments and beds not but the time had been when this expedient would not
answer the occasion because after a couple had been quartered in every room
there was a considerable residue still unprovided with lodging so that for the
time being the last comers were obliged to take up their habitation in Mount
Scoundrel an apartment most miserably furnished in which they lay
promiscuously amidst filth and vermin until they could be better accommodated
in due course of rotation
Peregrine hearing the description of this place began to be very impatient
about his nights lodging and the parson perceiving his anxiety conducted him
without loss of time to the warden who forthwith put him in possession of a
paultry chamber for which he agreed to pay half a crown a week This point
being settled his director gave him an account of the different methods of
eating either singly in a mess or at an ordinary and advised him to chuse
the last as the most reputable offering to introduce him next day to the best
company in the Fleet who always dined together in public
Pickle having thanked this gentleman for his civilities and promised to be
governed by his advice invited him to pass the evening at his apartment and in
the mean time shut himself up with Crabtree in order to deliberate upon the
wreck of his affairs Of all his ample fortune nothing now remained but his
wardrobe which was not very sumptuous about thirty guineas in cash and the
garison which the Misanthrope counselled him to convert into ready money for
his present subsistence This advice however he absolutely rejected not only
on account of his having already bestowed it upon Hatchway during the term of
his natural life but also with a view of retaining some memorial of the
commodores generosity He proposed therefore to finish in this retreat the
translation which he had undertaken and earn his future subsistence by labour
of the same kind He desired Cadwallader to take charge of his moveables and
send to him such linen and cloaths as he should have occasion for in his
confinement But among all his difficulties nothing embarassed him so much as
his faithful Pipes whom he could no longer entertain in his service He knew
Tom had made shift to pick up a competency in the course of his ministration
but that reflection though it in some measure alleviated could not wholly
prevent the mortification he must suffer in parting with an affectionate
adherent who was by this time become as necessary to him as one of his own
members and who was so accustomed to live under his command and protection
that he did not believe the fellow could reconcile himself to any other way of
life
Crabtree in order to make himself easy on that score offered to adopt him
in the room of his own valet whom he would dismiss though he observed that
Pipes had been quite spoiled in our heros service But Peregrine did not chuse
to lay his friend under that inconvenience knowing that his present lacquey
understood and complied with all the peculiarities of his humour which Pipes
would never be able to study or regard and therefore determined to send him
back to his shipmate Hatchway with whom he had spent the forepart of his
life
These points being adjusted the two friends adjourned to the coffeehouse
with a view of inquiring into the character of the clergyman to whose
beneficence our adventurer was so much indebted and they learned he was a
person who had incurred the displeasure of the bishop in whose diocese he was
settled and being unequal in power to his antagonist had been driven to the
Fleet in consequence of his obstinate opposition tho he still found means to
enjoy a pretty considerable income by certain irregular practices in the way of
his function which income was chiefly consumed in acts of humanity to his
fellowcreatures in distress
His eulogium was scarce finished when he entered the room according to
appointment with Peregrine who ordering wine and something for supper to be
carried to his apartment the triumvirate went thither and Cadwallader taking
his leave for the night the two fellowprisoners passed the evening very
sociably our hero being entertained by his new companion with the private
history of the place some particulars of which were extremely curious He told
him that the person who attended them at supper bowing with the most abject
servility and worshipping them every time he opened his mouth with the
epithets of your Lordship and your Honour had a few years before been
actually a captain in the guards who after having run his career in the great
world had threaded every station in their community from that of a buck of the
first order who swaggers about the Fleet in a laced coat with a footman and
whore to the degree of tapster in which he was now happily settled »If you
will take the trouble of going into the cooks kitchen said he you will
perceive a beau metamorphosed into a turnspit and there are some hewers of
wood and drawers of water in this microcosm who have had forests and fishponds
of their own yet notwithstanding such a miserable reverse of fortune they are
neither objects of regard or compassion because their misfortunes are the
fruits of the most vicious extravagance and they are absolutely insensible of
the misery which is their lot Those of our fellowsufferers who have been
reduced by undeserved losses or the precipitation of unexperienced youth never
fail to meet with the most brotherly assistance provided they behave with
decorum and a due sense of their unhappy circumstances Nor are we destitute of
power to chastise the licentious who refuse to comply with the regulations of
the place and disturb the peace of the community with riot and disorder
Justice is here impartially administered by a court of equity consisting of a
select number of the most respectable inhabitants who punish all offenders with
equal judgment and resolution after they have been fairly convicted of the
crimes laid to their charge«
The clergyman having thus explained the oeconomy of the place as well as
the cause of his own confinement began to discover signs of curiosity touching
our heros situation and Pickle thinking he could do no less for the
satisfaction of a man who had treated him in such an hospitable manner
favoured him with a detail of the circumstances which produced his imprisonment
at the same time gratifying his resentment against the minister which
delighted in recapitulating the injuries he had received The parson who had
been prepossessed in favour of our youth at first sight understanding what a
considerable part he had acted on the stage of life felt his veneration
increase and pleased with the opportunity of introducing a stranger of his
consequence to the club left him to his repose or rather to ruminate on an
event which he had not as yet seriously considered
I might here in imitation of some celebrated writers furnish out a page or
two with the reflections he made upon the instability of human affairs the
treachery of the world and the temerity of youth and endeavour to decoy the
reader into a smile by some quaint observation of my own touching the
sagacious moralizer but besides that I look upon this practice as an
impertinent anticipation of the perusers thoughts I have too much matter of
importance upon my hands to give the reader the least reason to believe that I
am driven to such paultry shifts in order to eke out the volume Suffice it
then to say our adventurer passed a very uneasy night not only from the
thorny suggestions of his mind but likewise from the anguish of his body which
suffered from the hardness of his couch as well as from the natural inhabitants
thereof which did not tamely suffer his intrusion
In the morning he was waked by Pipes who brought upon his shoulder a
portmanteau filled with necessaries according to the direction of Cadwallader
and tossing it down upon the floor regaled himself with a quid without the
least manifestation of concern After some pause »You see Pipes said his
master to what I have brought myself« »Ey ey answered the valet once the
vessel is ashore what signifies talking We must bear a hand to tow her off if
we can if she wont budge for all the anchors and capstans aboard after we
have lightened her by cutting away her masts and heaving our guns and cargo
overboard why then mayhap a brisk gale of wind a tide or current setting
from shore may float her again in the blast of a whistle Here is two hundred
and ten guineas by the tale in this here canvasbag and upon this scrap of
paper no avast thats my discharge from the parish for Moll Trundle ey
here it is an order for thirty pounds upon the whatdyecallem in the city
and two tickets for twentyfive and eighteen which I lent dye see to Sam
Studding to buy a cargo of rum when he hoisted the sign of the Commodore at St
Catharines« So saying he spread his whole stock upon the table for the
acceptance of Peregrine who being very much affected with this fresh instance
of his attachment expressed his satisfaction at seeing he had been such a good
oeconomist paid his wages up to that very day thanked him for his faithful
services and observing that he himself was no longer in a condition to
maintain a domestick advised him to retire to the garison where he would be
kindly received by his friend Hatchway to whom he would recommend him in the
strongest terms
Pipes looked blank at this unexpected intimation to which he replied that
he wanted neither pay nor provision but only to be employed as a tender and
that he would not steer his course for the garison unless his master would
first take his lumber aboard Pickle however peremptorily refused to touch a
farthing of the money which he commanded him to put up and Pipes was so
mortified at his refusal that twisting the notes together he threw them into
the fire without hesitation crying »Damn the money« and the canvasbag with
its contents would have shared the same fate had not Peregrine started up and
snatching the paper from the flames ordered his valet to forbear on pain of
being banished for ever from his sight He told him that for the present
there was a necessity for his being dismissed and he discharged him
accordingly but if he would go and live quietly with the lieutenant he
promised on the first favourable turn of his fortune to take him again into
his service In the mean time he gave him to understand that he neither wanted
nor would make any use of his money which he insisted upon his pocketing
immediately on pain of forfeiting all title to his favour
Pipes was very much chagrined at these injunctions to which he made no
reply but sweeping the money into his bag stalked off in silence with a look
of grief and mortification which his countenance had never exhibited before
Nor was the proud heart of Pickle unmoved upon this occasion he could scarce
suppress his sorrow in the presence of Pipes and soon as he was gone it
vented itself in tears
Having no great pleasure in conversing with his own thoughts he dressed
himself with all convenient dispatch being attended by one of the occasional
valets of the place who had formerly been a rich mercer in the city and this
operation being performed he went to breakfast at the coffeehouse where he
happened to meet with his friend the clergyman and several persons of genteel
appearance to whom the doctor introduced him as a new messmate By these
gentlemen he was conducted to a place where they spent the forenoon in playing
at fives an exercise in which our hero took singular delight and about one
oclock a court was held for the trial of two delinquents who had transgressed
the laws of honesty and good order
The first who appeared at the bar was an attorney accused of having picked
a gentlemans pocket of his handkerchief and the fact being proved by
incontestible evidence he received sentence in consequence of which he was
immediately carried to the public pump and subjected to a severe cascade of
cold water This cause being discussed they proceeded to the trial of the other
offender who was a lieutenant of a man of war indicted for a riot which he
had committed in company with a female not yet taken against the laws of the
place and the peace of his fellowprisoners The culprit had been very
obstreperous and absolutely refused to obey the summons with many expressions
of contempt and defiance against the authority of the court upon which the
constables were ordered to bring him to the bar vi amp armis and he was
accordingly brought before the judge after having made a most desperate
resistance with a hanger by which one of the officers was dangerously wounded
This outrage was such an aggravation of his crime that the court would not
venture to decide upon it but remitted him to the sentence of the warden who
by virtue of his dictatorial power ordered the rioter to be loaded with irons
and confined in the strongroom which is a dismal dungeon situated upon the
side of the ditch infested with toads and vermin surcharged with noisome
damps and impervious to the least ray of light
Justice being done upon the criminals our adventurer and his company
adjourned to the ordinary which was kept at the coffeehouse and he found
upon enquiry that his messmates consisted of one officer two underwriters
three projectors an alchymist an attorney a parson a brace of poets a
baronet and a knight of the bath The dinner tho not sumptuous nor very
elegantly served up was nevertheless substantial and pretty well dressed the
wine was tolerable and all the guests as chearful as if they had been utter
strangers to calamity so that our adventurer began to relish the company and
mix in the conversation with that sprightliness and ease which were peculiar to
his disposition The repast being ended the reckoning paid and part of the
gentlemen withdrawn to cards or other avocations those who remained among
whom Peregrine made one agreed to spend the afternoon in conversation over a
bowl of punch and the liquor being produced they passed the time very socially
in various topicks of discourse including many curious anecdotes relating to
their own affairs No man scrupled to own the nature of the debt for which he
was confined unless it happened to be some piddling affair but on the
contrary boasted of the importance of the sum as a circumstance that implied
his having been a person of consequence in life and he who had made the most
remarkable escapes from bailiffs was looked upon as a man of superior genius
and address
Among other extraordinary adventures of this kind none was more romantic
than the last elopement atchieved by the officer who told them he had been
arrested for a debt of two hundred pounds at a time when he could not command
as many pence and conveyed to the bailiffs house in which he continued a
whole fortnight moving his lodgings higher and higher from time to time in
proportion to the decay of his credit until from the parlour he had made a
regular ascent to the garret There while he ruminated on his next step which
would have been to the Marshalsea and saw the night come on attended with
hunger and cold the wind began to blow and the tiles of the house rattled with
the storm his imagination was immediately struck with the idea of escaping
unperceived amidst the darkness and noise of the tempest by creeping out at
the window of his apartment and making his way over the tops of the adjoining
houses Glowing with this prospect he examined the passage which to his
infinite mortification he found grated with ironbars on the outside but even
this difficulty did not divert him from his purpose Conscious of his own
strength he believed himself able to make an hole thro the roof which seemed
to be slender and crazy and on this supposition he barricadoed the door with
the whole furniture of the room then setting himself to work with a poker he
in a few minutes effected a passage for his hand with which he gradually stript
off the boards and tiling so as to open a sallyport for his whole body thro
which he fairly set himself free groping his way towards the next tenement
Here however he met with an unlucky accident his hat being blown off his
head chanced to tumble into the court just as one of the bailiffs followers
was knocking at the door and this myrmidon recognizing it immediately gave the
alarm to his chief who running up stairs to the garret forced open the door
in a twinkling notwithstanding the precautions which the prisoner had taken
and with his attendant pursued the fugitive thro his own track »After this
chace had continued some time said the officer to the imminent danger of all
three I found my progress suddenly stopt by a skylight through which I
perceived seven taylors sitting at work upon a board Without the least
hesitation or previous notice I plunged among them with my backside foremost
and before they could recollect themselves from the consternation occasioned by
such a strange visit told them my situation and gave them to understand that
there was no time to be lost One of the number taking the hint led me
instantly down stairs and dismissed me at the streetdoor while the bailiff
and his follower arriving at the breach were deterred from entering by the
brethren of my deliverer who presenting their shears like a range of chevaux
de frise commanded them to retire on pain of immediate death and the
catchpole rather than risque his carcase consented to discharge the debt
comforting himself with the hope of making me prisoner again There however he
was disappointed I kept snug and laughed at his escapewarrant until I was
ordered abroad with the regiment when I conveyd myself in a hearse to
Gravesend where I embarked for Flanders but being obliged to come over again
on the recruiting service I was nabbd on another score and all the
satisfaction my first captor has been able to obtain is a writ of detainer
which I believe will fix me in this place until the parliament in its great
goodness shall think proper to discharge my debts by a new act of insolvency«
Every body owned that the captains success was equal to the hardiness of
his enterprize which was altogether in the stile of a soldier but one of the
merchants observed that he must have been a bailiff of small experience who
would trust a prisoner of that consequence in such an unguarded place »If the
captain said he had fallen into the hands of such a cunning rascal as the
fellow that arrested me he would not have found it such an easy matter to
escape for the manner in which I was caught is perhaps the most extraordinary
that ever was practised in these realms You must know gentlemen I suffered
such losses by insuring vessels during the war that I was obliged to stop
payment tho my expectations were such as encouraged me to manage one branch of
business without coming to any immediate composition with my creditors In
short I received consignments from abroad as usual and that I might not be
subject to the visits of those catchpoles I never stirred abroad but turning
my first floor into a warehouse ordered all my goods to be hoisted up by a
crane fixed to the upper story of my house Divers were the stratagems
practised by those ingenious ferrets with a view of decoying me from the walls
of my fortification I received innumerable messages from people who wanted to
see me at certain taverns upon particular business I was summoned into the
country to see my own mother who was said to be at the point of death A
gentlewoman one night was taken in labour on my threshold at another time I
was disturbed with the cry of murder in the street and once I was alarmed by a
false fire But being still upon my guard I baffled all their attempts and
thought myself quite secure from their invention when one of those bloodhounds
inspired I believe by the devil himself contrived a snare by which I was at
last entrapped He made it his business to enquire into the particulars of my
traffick and understanding that among other things there were several chests
of Florence entered at the customhouse on my behalf he ordered himself to be
inclosed in a box of the same dimensions with airholes in the bottom for the
benefit of breathing and N° III marked upon the cover and being conveyed to
my door in a cart among other goods was in his turn hoisted up to my
warehouse where I stood with a hammer in order to open the chests that I
might compare the contents with the invoice You may guess my surprize and
consternation when upon uncovering the box I saw a bailiff rearing up his
head like Lazarus from the grave and heard him declare that he had a writ
against me for a thousand pounds Indeed I aimed the hammer at his head but
in the hurry of my confusion missed my mark and before I could repeat the
blow he started up with great agility and executed his office in sight of
several evidences whom he had assembled in the street for that purpose so that
I could not possibly disentangle myself from the toil without incurring an
escapewarrant from which I had no protection But had I known the contents of
the chest by all thats good I would have ordered my porter to raise it up as
high as the crane would permit and then have cut the rope by accident«
»That expedient said the knight with the red ribbon would have
discouraged him from such hazardous adventures for the future and would have
been an example in terrorem of all his brethren The story puts me in mind of a
deliverance atchieved by Tom Hackabout a very stout honest fellow an old
acquaintance of mine who had been so famous for maiming bailiffs that another
gentleman having been ill used at a spunginghouse no sooner obtained his
liberty than with a view of being revenged upon the landlord he for five
shillings bought one of Toms notes which sold at a very large discount and
taking out a writ upon it put it into the hands of the bailiff who had used him
ill The catchpole after a diligent search had an opportunity of executing the
writ upon the defendant who without ceremony broke one of his arms fractured
his skull and belaboured him in such a manner that he lay without sense and
motion on the spot By such exploits this hero became so formidable that no
single bailiff would undertake to arrest him so that he appeared in all public
places untouched At length however several officers of the Marshalseacourt
entered into a confederacy against him and two of the number attended by three
desperate followers ventured to arrest him one day in the Strand near
Hungerfordmarket he found it impossible to make resistance because the whole
gang sprung upon him at once like so many tygers and pinioned his arms so
fast that he could not wag a finger Perceiving himself fairly overpowered he
desired to be conducted forthwith to jail and was stowed in a boat accordingly
by that time they had reached the middle of the river he found means to overset
the wherry by accident and every man disregarding the prisoner consulted his
own safety As for Hackabout to whom that element was quite familiar he
mounted astride upon the keel of the boat which was uppermost and exhorted the
bailiffs to swim for their lives protesting before God that they had no other
chance to be saved
The watermen were immediately taken up by some of their own friends who
far from yielding any assistance to the catchpoles kept aloof and exulted in
their calamity In short two of the five went to the bottom and never saw the
light of Gods sun and the other three with great difficulty saved themselves
by laying hold on the rudder of a dungbarge to which they were carried by the
stream while Tom with great deliberation swam across to the Surry shore
After this atchievement he was so much dreaded by the whole fraternity that
they shivered at the very mention of his name and this character which some
people would think an advantage to a man in debt was the greatest misfortune
that could possibly happen to him because no tradesman would give him credit
for the least trifle on the supposition that he could not indemnify himself in
the common course of law«
The parson did not approve of Mr Hackabouts method of escaping which he
considered as a very unchristian attempt upon the lives of his fellowsubjects
»It is enough said he that we elude the laws of our country without
murthering the officers of justice for my own part I can lay my hand upon my
heart and safely say that I forgive from my soul the fellow by whom I was made
prisoner although the circumstances of his behaviour were treacherous wicked
and profane You must know Mr Pickle I was one day called into my chapel in
order to join a couple in the holy bands of matrimony and my affairs being at
that time so situated as to lay me under apprehensions of an arrest I
cautiously surveyed the man through a lettice which was made for that purpose
before I would venture to come within his reach He was cloathed in a seamans
jacket and troussers and had such an air of simplicity in his countenance as
divested me of all suspicion I therefore without further scruple trusted
myself in his presence began to exercise the duty of my function and had
actually performed one half of the ceremony when the supposed woman pulling
out a paper from her bosom exclaimed with a masculine voice Sir you are my
prisoner I have got a writ against you for five hundred pounds I was
thunderstruck at this declaration not so much on account of my own misfortune
which thank heaven I can bear with patience and resignation as at the
impiety of the wretch firstly in disguising such a worldly aim under the
cloak of religion and secondly in prostituting the service when there was no
occasion for so doing his design having previously taken effect Yet I forgive
him poor soul because he knew not what he did and I hope you Sir Sipple
will exert the same christian virtue towards the man by whom you was likewise
overreached«
»O damn the rascal cried the knight were I his judge he should be
condemned to flames everlasting A villain to disgrace me in such a manner
before almost all the fashionable company in town« Our hero expressing a
curiosity to know the particulars of this adventure the knight gratified his
desire by telling him that one evening while he was engaged in a partie of
cards at a drum in the house of a certain lady of quality he was given to
understand by one of the servants that a stranger very richly dressed was
just arrived in a chair preceded by five footmen with flambeaus and that he
refused to come up stairs until he should be introduced by Sir Sipple »Upon
this notice continued the knight I judged it was some of my qualityfriends
and having obtained her ladyships permission to bring him up went down to the
hall and perceived a person whom to the best of my recollection I had never
seen before However his appearance was so magnificent that I could not
harbour the least suspicion of his true quality and seeing me advance he
saluted me with a very genteel bow observing that though he had not the honour
of my acquaintance he could not dispense with waiting upon me even on that
occasion in consequence of a letter which he had received from a particular
friend So saying he put a paper into my hand intimating that he had got a
writ against me for ten thousand pounds and that it would be my interest to
submit without resistance for he was provided with a guard of twenty men who
surrounded the door in different disguises determined to secure me against all
opposition Enraged at the scoundrels finesse and trusting to the assistance
of the real footmen assembled in the hall So you are a rascally bailiff said
I who have assumed the garb of a gentleman in order to disturb her ladyships
company Take this fellow my lads and roll him in the kennel here are ten
guineas for your trouble These words were no sooner pronounced than I was
seized lifted up placed in a chair and carried off in the twinkling of an
eye not but that the servants of the house and some other footmen made a
motion towards my rescue and alarmed all the company above but the bailiff
affirming with undaunted effrontery that I was taken up upon an affair of
state and so many people appearing in his behalf the countess would not suffer
the supposed messenger to be insulted and he carried me to the countyjail
without further lett or molestation«
Chapter CVI
Pickle seems tolerably well reconciled to his Cage and is by the Clergyman
entertained with the Memoirs of a noted Personage whom he sees by Accident in
the Fleet
The knight had scarce finished this narrative when our hero was told that a
gentleman in the coffeeroom wanted to see him and when he went thither he
found his friend Crabtree who had transacted all his affairs according to the
determination of the preceding day and now gave him an account of the remarks
he had overheard on the subject of his misfortune for the manner of the arrest
was so public and extraordinary that those who were present immediately
propagated it among their acquaintance and it was that same evening discoursed
upon at several tea and cardtables with this variation from the truth that
the debt amounted to twelve thousand instead of twelve hundred pounds from
which circumstance it was conjectured that Peregrine was a bite from the
beginning who had found credit on account of his effrontery and appearance and
imposed himself upon the town as a young gentleman of fortune They rejoiced
therefore at his calamity which they considered as a just punishment for his
fraud and presumption and began to review certain particulars of his conduct
that plainly demonstrated him to be a rank adventurer long before he had
arrived at this end of his career
Pickle who now believed his glory was set for ever received this
intelligence with that disdain which enables a man to detach himself effectually
from the world and with great tranquillity gave the Misanthrope an
entertaining detail of what he had seen and heard since their last parting
While they amused themselves in this manner over a dish of coffee they were
joined by the parson who congratulated our hero upon his bearing mischance with
such philosophic quiet and began to regale the two friends with some curious
circumstances relating to the private history of the several prisoners as they
happened to come in
At length a gentleman entered at sight of whom the clergyman rose up and
saluted him with a most reverential bow which was graciously returned by the
stranger who with a young man that attended him retired to the other end of
the room They were no sooner out of hearing than the communicative priest
desired his company to take particular notice of this person to whom he had paid
his respects »That man said he is this day one of the most flagrant instances
of neglected virtue which the world can produce Over and above a cool
discerning head fraught with uncommon learning and experience he is possessed
of such fortitude and resolution as no difficulties can discourage and no
danger impair and so indefatigable is his humanity that even now while he is
surrounded with such embarassments as would distract the brain of any ordinary
mortal he has added considerably to his incumbrances by taking under his
protection that young gentleman who induced by his character appealed to his
benevolence for redress of the grievances under which he labours from the
villainy of his guardian«
Peregrines curiosity being excited by this encomium he asked the name of
this generous patron of which when he was informed »I am no stranger said he
to the fame of that gentleman who has made a considerable noise in the world
on account of that great cause he undertook in defence of an unhappy orphan and
since he is a person of such an amiable disposition I am heartily sorry to find
that his endeavours have not met with that successful issue which their good
fortune in the beginning seemed to promise Indeed the circumstance of his
espousing that cause was so uncommon and romantic and the depravity of the
human heart so universal that some people unacquainted with his real
character imagined his views were altogether selfish and some were not
wanting who affirmed he was a mere adventurer Nevertheless I must do him the
justice to own I have heard some of the most virulent of those who were
concerned on the other side of the question bear testimony in his favour
observing that he was deceived into the expence of the whole by the plausible
story which at first engaged his compassion Your description of his character
confirms me in the same opinion though I am quite ignorant of the affair the
particulars of which I should be glad to learn as well as a genuine account of
his own life many circumstances of which are by his enemies I believe
egregiously misrepresented«
»Sir answered the priest that is a piece of satisfaction which I am glad
to find myself capable of giving you I have had the pleasure of being
acquainted with Mr M from his youth and every thing which I shall relate
concerning him you may depend upon as a fact which hath fallen under my own
cognizance or been vouched upon the credit of undoubted evidence
Mr Ms father was a minister of the established church of Scotland
descended from a very ancient clan and his mother nearly related to a noble
family in the northern part of that kingdom While the son was boarded at a
public school where he made good progress in the Latin tongue his father died
and he was left an orphan to the care of an uncle who finding him determined
against any servile employment kept him at school that he might prepare
himself for the university with a view of being qualified for his fathers
profession
Here his imagination was so heated by the warlike atchievements he found
recorded in the Latin authors such as Cæsar Curtius and Buchanan that he was
seized with an irresistible thirst of military glory and desire of trying his
fortune in the army and his majestys troops taking the field in consequence
of the rebellion which happened in the year seventeen hundred and fifteen this
young adventurer thinking no life equal to that of a soldier found means to
furnish himself with a fusil and bayonet and leaving the school repaired to
the camp near Stirling with a view of signalizing himself in the field though
he was at that time but just turned of thirteen He offered his service to
several officers in hope of being inlisted in their companies but they would
not receive him because they rightly concluded that he was some schoolboy
broke loose without the knowledge or consent of his relations Notwithstanding
this discouragement he continued in camp curiously prying into every part of
the service and such was the resolution conspicuous in him even at such a
tender age that after his small finances were exhausted he persisted in his
design and because he would not make his wants known actually subsisted for
several days on hips haws and sloes and other spontaneous fruits which he
gathered in the woods and fields Mean while he never failed to be present
when any regiment or corps of men were drawn out to be exercised and reviewed
and accompanied them in all their evolutions which he had learned to great
perfection by observing the companies which were quartered in the place where
he was at school This eagerness and perseverance attracted the notice of many
officers who after having commended his spirit and zeal pressed him to return
to his parents and even threatened to expel him from the camp if he would not
comply with their advice
These remonstrances having no other effect than that of warning him to avoid
his monitors they thought proper to alter their behaviour towards him took him
into their protection and even into their mess and what above all other marks
of favour pleased the young soldier most permitted him to incorporate in the
battalion and take his turn of duty with the other men In this happy situation
he was discovered by a relation of his mother who was a captain in the army
and who used all his authority and influence in persuading M to return to
school but finding him deaf to his admonitions and threats he took him under
his own care and when the army marched to Dumblane left him at Stirling with
express injunction to keep himself within the walls
He temporized with his kinsman fearing that should he seem refractory the
captain would have ordered him to be shut up in the castle and inflamed with
the desire of seeing a battle no sooner saw his relation marched off the
ground than he mixed in with another regiment to which his former patrons
belonged and proceeded to the field where he distinguished himself even at
that early time of life by his gallantry in helping to retrieve a pair of
colours belonging to Mns regiment so that after the affair he was presented
to the duke of Argyle and recommended strongly to brigadier Grant who invited
him into his regiment and promised to provide for him with the first
opportunity But that gentleman in a little time lost his command upon the
dukes disgrace and the regiment was ordered for Ireland being given to
colonel Nassau whose favour the young volunteer acquired to such a degree
that he was recommended to the king for an ensigncy which in all probability he
would have obtained had not the regiment been unluckily reduced
In consequence of this reduction which happened in the most severe season
of the year he was obliged to return to his own country thro infinite
hardships to which he was exposed from the narrowness of his circumstances and
continuing still enamoured of a military life he entered into the regiment of
Scotch greys at that time commanded by the late Sir James Campbell who being
acquainted with his family and character encouraged him with the promise of
speedy preferment In this corps he remained three years during which he had
no opportunity of seeing actual service except at the affair of Glensheel and
this life of insipid quiet must have hung heavy upon a youth of Ms active
disposition had not he found exercise for the mind in reading books of
amusement history voyages and geography together with those that treated of
the art of war ancient and modern for which he contracted such an eager
appetite that he used to spend sixteen hours a day in this employment About
that time he became acquainted with a gentleman of learning and taste who
observing his indefatigable application and insatiable thirst after knowledge
took upon himself the charge of superintending his studies and by the direction
of such an able guide the young soldier converted his attention to a more solid
and profitable course of reading So inordinate was his desire of making speedy
advances in the paths of learning that within the compass of three months he
diligently perused the writings of Lock and Malbranche and made himself master
of the first six and of the eleventh and twelfth books of Euclids elements He
considered Puffendorf and Grotius with uncommon care acquired a tolerable
degree of knowledge in the French language and his imagination was so
captivated with the desire of learning that seeing no prospect of a war or
views of being provided for in the service he quitted the army and went
through a regular course of university education Having made such progress in
his studies he resolved to qualify himself for the church and acquired such a
stock of school divinity under the instructions of a learned professor at
Edinburgh that he more than once mounted the rostrum in the public hall and
held forth with uncommon applause But being discouraged from a prosecution of
his plan by the unreasonable austerity of some of the Scotch clergy by whom
the most indifferent and innocent words and actions were often misconstrued
into levity and misconduct he resolved to embrace the first favourable
opportunity of going abroad being enflamed with the desire of seeing foreign
countries and actually set out for Holland where for the space of two years
he studied the Roman law with the law of nature and nations under the famous
professors Tolieu and Barbyrac
Having thus finished his school education he set out for Paris with a view
to make himself perfect in the French language and learn such useful exercises
as might be acquired with the wretched remnant of his slender estate which was
by that time reduced very low In his journey through the Netherlands he went
to Namur and paid his respects to bishop Strickland and general Collier by
whom he was received with great civility in consequence of letters of
recommendation with which he was provided from the Hague and the old general
assured him of his protection and interest for a pair of colours if he was
disposed to enter into the Dutch Service
Tho he was by that time pretty well cured of his military Don Quixotism he
would not totally decline the generous proffer for which he thanked him in the
most grateful terms telling the general that he would pay his duty to him on
his return from France and then if he could determine upon returning to the
army should think himself highly honoured in being under his command
After a stay of two months in Flanders he proceeded to Paris and far from
taking up his habitation in the suburbs of St Germain according to the custom
of English travellers he hired a private lodging on the other side of the
river and associated chiefly with French officers who their youthful sallies
being over are allowed to be the politest gentlemen of that kingdom In this
scheme he found his account so much that he could not but wonder at the folly
of his countrymen who lose the main scope of their going abroad by spending
their time and fortune idly with one another
During his residence in Holland he had made himself acquainted with the
best authors in the French language so that he was able to share in their
conversation a circumstance from which he found great benefit for it not only
improved him in his knowledge of that tongue but also tended to the enlargement
of his acquaintance in the course of which he contracted intimacies in some
families of good fashion especially those of the long robe which would have
enabled him to pass his time very agreeably had he been a little easier in
point of fortune but his finances notwithstanding the most rigid oeconomy
being in a few months reduced to a very low ebb the prospect of indigence
threw a damp upon all his pleasures tho he never suffered himself to be
thereby in any degree dispirited being in that respect of so happy a
disposition that conscious poverty or abundance made very slight impressions
upon his mind
This consumption of his cash however involved him in some perplexity and
he deliberated with himself whether he should return to general Collier or
repair to London where he might possibly fall into some business not unbecoming
a gentleman tho he was very much mortified to find himself incapable of
gratifying an inordinate desire which possessed him of making the grand tour or
at least of visiting the southern parts of France
While he thus hesitated between different suggestions he was one morning
visited by a gentleman who had sought and cultivated his friendship and for
whom he had done a good office in supporting him with spirit against a brutal
German with whom he had an affair of honour This gentleman came to propose a
party for a fortnight to Fontainebleau where the court then was and the
proposal being declined by M with more than usual stiffness his friend was
very urgent to know the reason of his refusal and at length with some
confusion said Perhaps your finances are low M replied that he had
wherewithal to defray the expence of his journey to London where he could be
furnished with a fresh supply and this answer was no sooner made than the
other taking him by the hand My dear friend said he I am not unacquainted
with your affairs and would have offered you my credit long ago if I had
thought it would be acceptable even now I do not pretend to give you money
but desire and insist upon it that you will accept of the loan of these two
pieces of paper to be repayed when you marry a woman with a fortune of twenty
thousand pounds or obtain an employment of a thousand a year So saying he
presented him with two actions of above two thousand livres each
M was astonished at this unexpected instance of generosity in a stranger
and with suitable acknowledgment peremptorily refused to incur such an
obligation but at length he was by dint of importunity and warm
expostulation prevailed upon to accept one of the actions on condition that the
gentleman would take his note for the sum and this he absolutely rejected
until M promised to draw upon him for double the value or more in case he
should at any time want a further supply This uncommon act of friendship and
generosity M afterwards had an opportunity to repay tenfold tho he could
not help regretting the occasion on his friends account That worthy man
having by placing too much confidence in a villanous lawyer and a chain of
other misfortunes involved himself and his amiable lady in a labyrinth of
difficulties which threatened the total ruin of his family M felt the
inexpressible satisfaction of delivering his benefactor from the snare
Being thus reinforced by the generosity of his friend M resolved to
execute his former plan of seeing the south of France together with the
seaports of Spain as far as Cadiz from whence he proposed to take a passage
for London by sea and with this view sent forwards his trunks by the diligence
to Lyons determined to ride post in order to enjoy a better view of the
country and for the conveniency of stopping at those places where there was any
thing remarkable to be seen or enquired into While he was employed in taking
leave of his Parisian friends who furnished him with abundant recommendation a
gentleman of his own country who spoke little or no French hearing of his
intention begged the favour of accompanying him in his expedition
With this new companion therefore he set out for Lyons where he was
perfectly well received by the intendant and some of the best families of the
place in consequence of his letters of recommendation and after a short stay
in that city proceeded down the Rhone to Avignon in what is called the coche
deau then visiting the principal towns of Dauphiné Languedoc and Provence he
returned to the delightful city of Marseilles where he and his fellow traveller
were so much captivated by the serenity of the air the good nature and
hospitality of the sprightly inhabitants that they never dreamed of changing
their quarters during the whole winter and part of the spring Here he
acquired the acquaintance of the marquis DArgens attorneygeneral in the
parliament of Aix and of his eldest son who now makes so great a figure in the
literary world and when the affair of father Girard and madamoiselle Cadiere
began to make a noise he accompanied these two gentlemen to Toulon where the
marquis was ordered to take precognition of the facts
On his return to Marseilles he found a certain noble lord of great fortune
under the direction of a Swiss governor who had accommodated him with two of
his own relations of the same country by way of companions together with five
servants in his train They being absolute strangers in the place M
introduced them to the intendant and several other good families and had the
good fortune to be so agreeable to his lordship that he proposed and even
pressed him to live with him in England as a friend and companion and to take
upon him the superintendance of his affairs in which case he would settle upon
him four hundred a year for life
This proposal was too advantageous to be slighted by a person of no fortune
or fixed establishment he therefore made no difficulty of closing with it
but as his lordships departure was fixed to a short day and he urged him to
accompany him to Paris and from thence to England M thought it would be
improper and indecent to interfere with the office of his governor who might
take umbrage at his favour and therefore excused himself from a compliance with
his lordships request until his minority should be expired as he was within a
few months of being of age However he repeated his importunities so earnestly
and the governor joined in the request with such appearance of cordiality that
he was prevailed upon to comply with their joint desire and in a few days set
out with them for Paris by the way of Lyons But before they had been three
days in this city M perceived a total change in the behaviour of the Swiss and
his two relations who in all probability became jealous of his influence with
his lordship and he no sooner made this discovery than he resolved to withdraw
himself from such a disagreeable participation of that young noblemans favour
He therefore in spite of all his lordships intreaties and remonstrances
quitted him for the present alledging as a pretext that he had a longing
desire to see Switzerland and the banks of the Rhine and promising to meet him
again in England
This his intention being made known to the governor and his friends their
countenances immediately cleared up their courtesy and complaisance returned
and they even furnished him with letters for Geneva Lausanne Bern and
Soleure in consequence of which he met with unusual civilities at these places
Having made this tour with his Scotch friend who came up to him before he left
Lyons and visited the most considerable towns on both sides of the Rhine and
the courts of the Electors Palatine Mentz and Cologne he arrived in Holland
and from thence thro the Netherlands repaired to London where he found my
lord just returned from Paris
His lordship received him with expressions of uncommon joy would not suffer
him to stir from him for several days and introduced him to his relations
M accompanied his lordship from London to his countryseat where he was
indeed treated with great friendship and confidence and consulted in every
thing but the noble peer never once made mention of the annuity which he had
promised to settle upon him nor did M remind him of it because he conceived
it was his affair to fulfil his engagements of his own accord M being tired of
the manner of living at this place made an excursion to Bath where he staid
about a fortnight to partake of the diversions and upon his return found his
lordship making dispositions for another journey to Paris
Surprised at this sudden resolution he endeavoured to dissuade him from it
but his remonstrances were rendered ineffectual by the insinuations of a
foreigner who had come over with him and filled his imagination with
extravagant notions of pleasure infinitely superior to any which he could enjoy
while he was in the trammels and under the restraints of a governor He
therefore turned a deaf ear to all Ms arguments and intreated him to
accompany him in the journey but this gentleman foreseeing that a young man
like my lord of strong passions and easy to be misled would in all
probability squander away great sums of money in a way that would neither do
credit to himself or to those who were concerned with him resisted all his
solicitations on pretence of having business of consequence at London and
afterwards had reason to be extremely well pleased with his own conduct in this
particular
Before he set out on this expedition M in justice to himself reminded
him of the proposal which he had made to him at Marseilles desiring to know if
he had altered his design in that particular in which case he would turn his
thoughts some other way as he would not in the least be thought to intrude or
pin himself upon any man My lord protested in the most solemn manner that he
still continued in his former resolution and again beseeching him to bear him
company into France promised that every thing should be settled to his
satisfaction upon their return to England M however still persisted in his
refusal for the abovementioned reasons and tho he never heard more of the
annuity he nevertheless continued to serve his lordship with his advice and
good offices ever after particularly in directing his choice to an alliance
with a lady of eminent virtue the daughter of a noble lord more conspicuous
for his shining parts than the splendor of his titles a circumstance upon
which he always reflected with particular satisfaction as well on account of
the extraordinary merit of the lady as because it vested in her children a
considerable part of that great estate which of right belonged to her
grandmother and afterwards put him in a way to retrieve his estate from a heavy
load of debt he had contracted When my lord set out on his Paris expedition
the money M had received from his generous friend at Paris was almost reduced
to the last guinea He had not yet reaped the least benefit from his engagements
with his lordship and disdaining to ask for a supply from him he knew not how
to subsist with any degree of credit till his return
This uncomfortable prospect was the more disagreeable to him as at that
time of life he was much inclined to appear in the gay world had contracted a
taste for plays operas and other public diversions and acquired an
acquaintance with many people of good fashion which could not be maintained
without a considerable expence In this emergency he thought he could not
employ his idle time more profitably than in translating from foreign
languages such books as were then chiefly in vogue and upon application to a
friend who was a man of letters he was furnished with as much business of that
kind as he could possibly manage and wrote some pamphlets on the reigning
controversies of that time that had the good fortune to please He was also
concerned in a monthly journal of literature and the work was carried on by the
two friends jointly tho M did not at all appear in the partnership By these
means he not only spent his mornings in useful exercise but supplied himself
with money for what the French call the menus plaisirs during the whole summer
He frequented all the assemblies in and about London and considerably enlarged
his acquaintance among the fair sex
He had upon his first arrival in England become acquainted with a lady at
an assembly not far from London and tho at that time he had no thoughts of
extending his views farther than the usual gallantry of the place he met with
such distinguishing marks of her regard in the sequel and was so particularly
encouraged by the advice of another lady with whom he had been intimate in
France and who was now of their parties that he could not help entertaining
hopes of making an impression upon the heart of his agreeable partner who was a
young lady of an ample fortune and great expectations He therefore
cultivated her good graces with all the assiduity and address of which he was
master and succeeded so well in his endeavours that after a due course of
attendance and the death of an aunt by which she received an accession of
fortune to the amount of three and twenty thousand pounds he ventured to
declare his passion and she not only heard him with patience and approbation
but also replied in terms adequate to his warmest wish
Finding himself so favourably received he pressed her to secure his
happiness by marriage but to this proposal she objected the recency of her
kinswomans death which would have rendered such a step highly indecent and
the displeasure of her other relations from whom she had still greater
expectations and who at that time importuned her to marry a cousin of her own
whom she could not like However that M might have no cause to repine at her
delay she freely entered with him into an intimacy of correspondence during
which nothing could have added to their mutual felicity which was the more
poignant and refined from the mysterious and romantic manner of their enjoying
it for tho he publickly visited her as an acquaintance his behaviour on
these occasions was always so distant respectful and reserved that the rest
of the company could not possibly suspect the nature of their reciprocal
attachment in consequence of which they used to have private interviews
unknown to every soul upon earth except her maid who was necessarily intrusted
with the secret
In this manner they enjoyed the conversation of each other for above twelve
months without the least interruption and tho the stability of Mr Ms
fortune intirely depended upon their marriage yet as he perceived his mistress
so averse to it he never urged it with vehemence nor was at all anxious on
that score being easily induced to defer a ceremony which as he then thought
could in no shape have added to their satisfaction tho he hath since altered
his sentiments
Be that as it will his indulgent mistress in order to set his mind at ease
in that particular and in full confidence of his honour insisted on his
accepting a deed of gift of her whole fortune in consideration of their
intended marriage and after some difficulty he was prevailed upon to receive
this proof of her esteem well knowing that it would still be in his power to
return the obligation Tho she often intreated him to take upon himself the
intire administration of her finances and upon divers occasions pressed him to
accept of large sums he never once abused her generous disposition or
solicited her for money except for some humane purpose which she was always
more ready to fulfil than he to propose
In the course of this correspondence he became acquainted with some of her
female relations and among the rest with a young lady so eminently adorned
with all the qualifications of mind and person that notwithstanding all his
philosophy and caution he could not behold and converse with her without being
deeply smitten with her charms He did all in his power to discourage this
dangerous invasion in the beginning and to conceal the least symptom of it from
her relation he summoned all his reflection to his aid and thinking it would
be base and dishonest to cherish any sentiment repugnant to the affection which
he owed to a mistress who had placed such unlimited confidence in him he
attempted to stifle the infant flame by avoiding the amiable inspirer of it But
the passion had taken too deep a root in his heart to be so easily extirpated
his absence from the dear object increased the impatience of his love The
intestine conflict between that and gratitude deprived him of his rest and
appetite He was in a short time emaciated by continual watching anxiety and
want of nourishment and so much altered from his usual chearfulness that his
mistress being surprised and alarmed at the change which from the symptoms
she judged was owing to some uneasiness of mind took all imaginable pains to
discover the cause
In all probability it did not escape her penetration for she more than
once asked if he was in love with her cousin protesting that far from being
an obstacle to his happiness she would in that case be an advocate for his
passion However this declaration was never made without manifest signs of
anxiety and uneasiness which made such an impression upon the heart of M that
he resolved to sacrifice his happiness and even his life rather than take any
step which might be construed into an injury or insult to a person who had
treated him with such generosity and goodness
In consequence of this resolution he formed another which was to go abroad
under pretence of recovering his health but in reality to avoid the
temptation as well as the suspicion of being inconstant and in this design he
was confirmed by his physician who actually thought him in the first stage of a
consumption and therefore advised him to repair to the south of France He
communicated his design with the doctors opinion to the lady who agreed to
it with much less difficulty than he found in conquering his own reluctance at
parting with the dear object of his love The consent of his generous mistress
being obtained he waited upon her with the instrument whereby she had made the
conveyance of her fortune to him and all his remonstrances being insufficient
to persuade her to take it back he cancelled it in her presence and placed it
in that state upon her toilet while she was dressing whereupon she shed a
torrent of tears saying she now plainly perceived that he wanted to tear
himself from her and that his affections were settled upon another He was
sensibly affected by this proof of her concern and endeavoured to calm the
perturbation of her mind by vowing eternal fidelity and pressing her to accept
of his hand in due form before his departure By these means her transports
were quieted for the present and the marriage deferred for the same prudential
reasons which had hitherto prevented it
Matters being thus compromised and the day fixed for his departure she
together with her faithful maid one morning visited him for the first time at
his own lodgings and after breakfast desiring to speak with him in private he
conducted her into another room where assuming an unusual gravity of aspect My
dear M said she you are now going to leave me and God alone knows if ever
we shall meet again therefore if you really love me with that tenderness which
you profess you will accept of this mark of my friendship and unalterable
affection it will at least be a provision for your journey and if any accident
should befal me before I have the happiness of receiving you again into my
arms I shall have the satisfaction of knowing that you are not altogether
without resource So saying she put an embroidered pocketbook into his hand
He expressed the high sense he had of her generosity and affection in the most
pathetic terms and beggd leave to suspend his acceptance until he should know
the contents of her present which was so extraordinary that he absolutely
refused to receive it he was however by her repeated intreaties in a manner
compelled to receive about one half and she afterwards insisted upon his taking
a reinforcement of a considerable sum for the expence of his journey
Having stayed with her ten days beyond the time he had fixed for his
departure and settled the method of their correspondence he took his leave
with an heart full of sorrow anxiety and distraction produced from the
different suggestions of his duty and love He then set out for France and
after a short stay at Paris proceeded for Aix in Provence and from thence to
Marseilles at which two places he continued for some months but nothing he met
with being able to dissipate those melancholy ideas which still preyed upon his
imagination and affected his spirits he endeavoured to elude them with a
succession of new objects and with that view persuaded a counsellor of the
parliament of Aix a man of great worth learning and good humour to accompany
him in making a tour of those parts of France which he had not yet seen On
their return from this excursion they found at Aix an Italian Abbé a person of
character and great knowledge of men and books who having travelled all over
Germany and France was so far on his return to his own country
M having by means of his friend the counsellor contracted an
acquaintance with this gentleman and being desirous of seeing some parts of
Italy particularly the carnival at Venice they set out together from
Marseilles in a tartan for Genoa coasting it all the way and lying on shore
every night Having shewn him what was most remarkable in this city his friend
the Abbé was so obliging as to conduct him thro Tuscany and the most
remarkable cities in Lombardy to Venice where M insisted upon defraying the
expence of the whole tour in consideration of the Abbés complaisance which
had been of infinite service to him in the course of this expedition Having
remained five weeks at Venice he was preparing to set out for Rome with some
English gentlemen whom he had met by accident when he was all of a sudden
obliged to change his resolution by some disagreeable letters which he received
from London He had from his first departure corresponded with his generous
though inconstant mistress with a religious exactness and punctuality nor was
she for some time less observant of the agreement they had made Nevertheless
she by degrees became so negligent and cold in her expression and so slack in
her correspondence that he could not help observing and upbraiding her with
such indifference and her endeavours to palliate it were supported by pretexts
so frivolous as to be easily seen through by a lover of very little
discernment
While he tortured himself with conjectures about the cause of this
unexpected change he received such intelligence from England as when joined
with what he himself had perceived by her manner of writing left him little or
no room to doubt of her fickleness and inconstancy Nevertheless as he knew by
experience that informations of that kind are not to be intirely relied upon
he resolved to be more certainly apprized and for that end departed
immediately for London by the way of Tirol Bavaria Alsace and Paris
On his arrival in England he learned with infinite concern that his
intelligence had not been at all exaggerated and his sorrow was inexpressible
to find a person endowed with so many other noble and amiable qualities seduced
into an indiscretion that of necessity must ruin the whole plan which had
been concerted between them for their mutual happiness She made several
attempts by letters and interviews to palliate her conduct and soften him
into a reconciliation but his honour being concerned he remained deaf to all
her intreaties and proposals Nevertheless I have often heard him say that he
could not help loving her and revering the memory of a person to whose
generosity and goodness he owed his fortune and one whose foibles were
overbalanced by a thousand good qualities He often insisted on a restitution
but far from complying with that proposal she hath afterwards often
endeavoured to lay him under yet greater obligations of the same kind and
importuned him with the warmest solicitations to renew their former
correspondence which he as often declined
M took this instance of the inconstancy of the sex so much to heart that
he had almost resolved for the future to keep clear of all engagements for
life and returned to Paris in order to dissipate his anxiety where he hired
an apartment in one of the academies in the exercises whereof he took singular
delight During his residence at this place he had the good fortune to
ingratiate himself with a great general a descendant of one of the most ancient
and illustrious families in France having attracted his notice by some remarks
he had written on Folards Polybius which were accidentally shewn to that great
man by one of his aids du camp who was a particular friend of M The favour
he had thus acquired was strengthened by his assiduities and attention Upon
his return to London he sent some of Handels newest compositions to the
prince who was particularly fond of that gentlemans productions together with
Clarks edition of Cæsar and in the spring of the same year before the French
army took the field he was honoured with a most obliging letter from the
prince inviting him to come over if he wanted to see the operations of the
campaign and desiring he would give himself no trouble about his equipage
M having still some remains of a military disposition and conceiving this
to be a more favourable opportunity than any he should ever meet with again
readily embraced the offer and sacrificed the soft delights of love which at
that time he enjoyed without controul to an eager laborious and dangerous
curiosity In that and the following campaign during which he was present at
the siege of Philipsburg and several other actions he enlarged his
acquaintance among the French officers especially those of the graver sort who
had a taste for books and literature and the friendship and interest of those
gentlemen were afterwards of singular service to him tho in an affair
altogether foreign from their profession
He had all along made diligent inquiry into the trade and manufactures of
the countries through which he had occasion to travel more particularly those
of Holland England and France and as he was well acquainted with the revenue
and farms of this last kingdom he saw with concern the great disadvantages
under which our tobaccotrade the most considerable branch of our commerce with
that people was carried on what inconsiderable returns were made to the
planters out of the low price given by the French company and how much it was
in the power of that company to reduce it still lower M had formed a scheme to
remedy this evil so far as it related to national loss or gain by not
permitting the duty of one penny in the pound old subsidy to be drawn back on
tobacco reexported He demonstrated to the ministry of that time that so
inconsiderable a duty could not in the least diminish the demand from abroad
which was the only circumstance to be apprehended and that the yearly produce
of that revenue would amount to one hundred and twenty thousand pounds without
one shilling additional expence to the public but the ministry having the
excisescheme then in contemplation could think of no other till that should
be tried and that project having miscarried he renewed his application when
they approved of his scheme in every particular but discovered a surprising
backwardness to carry it into execution
His expectations in this quarter being disappointed he by the
interposition of his friends presented a plan to the French company in which
he set forth the advantages that would accrue to themselves from fixing the
price securing that sort of tobacco which best suited the taste of the public
and their manufacture and finally proposed to furnish them with any quantity
at the price which they paid in the port of London
After some dispute they agreed to his proposal and contracted with him for
fifteen thousand hogsheads a year for which they obliged themselves to pay
ready money on its arrival in any one or more convenient ports in the south or
western coasts of Great Britain that he should please to fix upon for that
purpose M no sooner obtained this contract than he immediately set out for
America in order to put it in execution and by way of companion carried with
him a little French abbé a man of humour wit and learning with whom he had
been long acquainted and for whom he had done many good offices
On his arrival in Virginia which opportunely happened at a time when all
the gentlemen were assembled in the capital of that province he published a
memorial representing the disadvantages under which their trade was carried on
the true method of redressing their own grievances in that respect and
proposing to contract with them for the yearly quantity of fifteen thousand
hogsheads of such tobacco as was fit for the French market at a price which he
demonstrated to be considerably greater than that which they had formerly
received
This remonstrance met with all the success and encouragement he could
expect the principal planters seeing their own interest concerned readily
assented to the proposal which by their influence was also relished by the
rest and the only difficulty that remained related to the security for payment
of the bills on the arrival of the tobacco in England and to the time
stipulated for the continuance of the contract
In order to remove these objections Mr M returned to Europe and found
the French company of farmers disposed to agree to every thing he desired for
facilitating the execution of the contract and perfectly well pleased with the
sample which he had already sent but his good friend the abbé whom he had
left behind him in America by an unparalleled piece of treachery found means
to overturn the whole project He secretly wrote a memorial to the company
importing that he found by experience M could afford to furnish them at a
much lower price than that which they had agreed to give and that by being in
possession of the contract for five years as was intended according to the
proposal he would have the company so much in his power that they must
afterwards submit to any price he should please to impose and that if they
thought him worthy of such a trust he would undertake to furnish them at an
easier rate in conjunction with some of the leading men in Virginia and
Maryland with whom he said he had already concerted measures for that
purpose
The company were so much alarmed at these insinuations that they declined
complying with Mr Ms demands until the abbés return and though they
afterwards used all their endeavours to persuade him to be concerned with that
little traitor in his undertaking by which he might still have been a very
considerable gainer he resisted all their solicitations and plainly told them
in the abbés presence that he would never prostitute his own principles so
far as to enter into engagements of any kind with a person of his character
much less in a scheme that had a manifest tendency to lower the marketprice of
tobacco in England
Thus ended a project the most extensive simple and easy and as appeared
by the trial made the best calculated to raise an immense fortune of any that
was ever undertaken or planned by a private person a project in the execution
of which M had the good of the public and the glory of putting in a
flourishing condition that valuable branch of our trade which gives employment
to two great provinces and above two hundred sail of ships much more at heart
than his own private interest It was reasonable to expect that a man whose
debts M had paid more than once whom he had obliged in many other respects
and whom he had carried with him at a very considerable expence on this
expedition merely with a view of bettering his fortune would have acted with
common honesty if not with gratitude but such was the depravity of this little
monsters heart that on his deathbed he left a considerable fortune to mere
strangers with whom he had little or no connexion without the least thought of
refunding the money advanced for him by M in order to prevent his rotting in
jail
When M had once obtained a command of money he by his knowledge in
several branches of trade as well as by the assistance of some intelligent
friends at Paris and London found means to employ it to very good purpose and
had he been a man of that selfish disposition which too much prevails in the
world he might have been at this day master of a very ample fortune but his
ear was never deaf to the voice of distress nor his beneficent heart shut
against the calamities of his fellowcreatures He was even ingenious in
contriving the most delicate methods of relieving modest indigence and by his
industrious benevolence often anticipated the requests of misery
I could relate a number of examples to illustrate my assertions in some of
which you would perceive the most disinterested generosity but such a detail
would trespass too much upon your time and I do not pretend to dwell upon every
minute circumstance of his conduct Let it suffice to say that upon the
declaration of war with Spain he gave up all his commercial schemes and called
in his money from all quarters with a view of sitting down for the rest of his
life contented with what he had got and restraining his liberalities to what
he could spare from his yearly income This was a very prudential resolution
could he have kept it but upon the breaking out of that war he could not
without concern see many gentlemen of merit who had been recommended to him
disappointed of commissions meerly for want of money to satisfy the
expectations of the commissionbrokers of that time and therefore launched out
considerable sums for them on their bare notes great part whereof was lost by
the death of some in the unfortunate expedition to the WestIndies
He at length after many other actions of the like nature from motives of
pure humanity love of justice and abhorrence of oppression embarked in a
cause every way the most important that ever came under the discussion of the
courts of law in these kingdoms whether it be considered in relation to the
extraordinary nature of the case or the immense property of no less than fifty
thousand pounds a year and three peerages that depended upon it
In the year 1740 the brave admiral who at that time commanded his majestys
fleet in the WestIndies among the other transactions of his squadron
transmitted to the duke of Newcastle mentioned a young man who tho in the
capacity of a common sailor on board one of the ships under his command laid
claim to the estate and titles of the earl of A These pretensions were no
sooner communicated in the public papers than they became the subject of
conversation in all companies and the person whom they chiefly affected being
alarmed at the appearance of a competitor tho at such distance began to put
himself in motion and take all the precautions which he thought necessary to
defeat the endeavours of the young upstart Indeed the early intelligence he
received of Mr Ays making himself known in the WestIndies furnished him
with numberless advantages over that unhappy young gentleman for being in
possession of a plentiful fortune and lord of many manors in the neighbourhood
of the very place where the claimant was born he knew all the witnesses who
could give the most material evidence of his legitimacy and if his probity did
not restrain him had by his power and influence sufficient opportunity and
means of applying to the passions and interests of the witnesses to silence
many and gain over others to his side while his competitor by an absence of
fifteen or sixteen years from his native country the want of education and
friends together with his present helpless situation was rendered absolutely
incapable of taking any step for his own advantage And although his worthy
uncles conspicuous virtue and religious regard for justice and truth might
possibly be an unconquerable restraint to his taking any undue advantages yet
the consciences of that huge army of emissaries he kept in pay were not
altogether so very tender and scrupulous This much however may be said
without derogation from or impeachment of the noble earls nice virtue and
honour that he took care to compromise all differences with the other branches
of the family whose interests were in this affair connected with his own by
sharing the estate with them and also retained most of the eminent council
within the bar of both kingdoms against this formidable bastard before any suit
was instituted by him
While he was thus entrenching himself against the attack of a poor forlorn
youth at the distance of fifteen hundred leagues continually exposed to the
dangers of the sea the war and an unhealthy climate Mr M in the common
course of conversation chanced to ask some questions relating to this romantic
pretender of one H who was at that time the present lord Ays chief agent
This man when pressed could not help owning that the late lord Am actually
left a son who had been spirited away into America soon after his fathers
death but said he did not know whether this was the same person
This information could not fail to make an impression on the humanity of Mr
M who being acquainted with the genius of the wicked party who had possessed
themselves of this unhappy young mans estate and honours expressed no small
anxiety and apprehension lest they should take him off by some means or other
and even then seemed disposed to contribute towards the support of the
friendless orphan and to enquire more circumstantially into the nature of his
claim In the mean time his occasions called him to France and during his
absence Mr Ay arrived in London in the month of October 1741 «
Here the clergyman was interrupted by Peregrine who said there was
something so extraordinary not to call it improbable in the account he had
heard of the young gentlemans being sent into exile that he would look upon
himself as infinitely obliged to the doctor if he would favour him with a true
representation of that transaction as well as of the manner in which he arrived
and was known at the island of Jamaica
The parson in compliance with our heros request taking up the story from
the beginning »Mr Ay said he is the son of Arthur late lord baron of Am
by his wife Mary Shd natural daughter to John duke of B and N by whom he
publickly married on the 21st day of July 1706 contrary to the inclination of
his mother and all his other relations particularly Arthur late earl of Ay
who bore an implacable enmity to the duke her father and for that reason did
all that lay in his power to traverse the marriage but finding his endeavours
ineffectual he was so much offended that he would never be perfectly
reconciled to lord Am tho he was his presumptive heir After their nuptials
they cohabited together in England for the space of two or three years during
which she miscarried more than once and he being a man of levity and an
extravagant disposition not only squandered away all that he had received of
his wifes fortune but also contracted many considerable debts which obliged
him to make a precipitate retreat into Ireland leaving his lady behind him in
the house with his mother and sisters who having also been averse to the
match had always looked upon her with eyes of disgust
It was not likely that harmony should long subsist in this family
especially as lady Am was a woman of a lofty spirit who could not tamely bear
insults and illusage from persons who she had reason to believe were her
enemies at heart Accordingly a misunderstanding soon happened among them which
was fomented by the malice of one of her sistersinlaw divers scandalous
reports of her misconduct to which the empty pretensions of a vain wretched
coxcomb who was made use of as an infamous tool for that purpose gave a
colourable pretext were trumped up and transmitted with many false and
aggravating circumstances to her husband in Ireland who being a giddy
unthinking man was so much incensed at these insinuations that in the first
transports of his passion he sent to his mother a power of attorney that she
might sue for a divorce in his behalf A libel was thereupon exhibited
containing many scandalous allegations void of any real foundation in truth
but being unsupported by any manner of proof it was at length dismissed with
costs after it had depended upwards of two years
Lord Am finding himself abused by the misrepresentations of his mother
and sister discovered an inclination to be reconciled to his lady in
consequence of which she was sent over to Dublin by her father to the care of
a gentleman in that city in whose house she was received by her husband with
all the demonstrations of love and esteem From thence he conducted her to his
lodgings and then to his countryhouse where she had the misfortune to suffer
a miscarriage through fear and resentment of my lords behaviour which was
often brutal and indecent From the country they removed to Dublin about the
latter end of July or beginning of August 1714 where they had not long
continued when her ladyship was known to be again with child
Lord Am and his issue being next in remainder to the honours and estate of
Arthur earl of Aa was extremely solicitous to have a son and warned by the
frequent miscarriages of his lady resolved to curb the natural impatience and
rusticity of his disposition that she might not as formerly suffer by his
outrageous conduct He accordingly cherished her with uncommon tenderness and
care and her pregnancy being pretty far advanced conducted her to his
countryseat where she was delivered of Mr Ay about the latter end of April
or beginning of May for none of the witnesses have been able at this distance
with absolute certainty to fix the precise time of his birth and there was no
register kept in the parish and as an additional misfortune no gentlemen of
fashion lived in that parish nor did those who lived at any considerable
distance care to cultivate an acquaintance with a man of lord Ams strange
conduct
Be that as it will the occasion was celebrated by his lordships tenants
and dependants upon the spot and in the neighbouring town of New Rss by
bonfires illuminations and other rejoicings which have made such an
impression upon the minds of the people that in the place where they happened
and the contiguous parishes several hundred people have already declared their
knowledge and remembrance of this event in spite of the great power of the
claimants adversary in that quarter and the great pains and indirect methods
taken by his numberless agents and emissaries as well as by those who are
interested with him in the event of the suit to corrupt and suppress the
evidence
Lord Am after the birth of this son who was sent to nurse in the
neighbourhood according to the custom of the country where people of the
highest distinction put their children out to nurse into farmhouses and
cabbins lived in harmony with his lady for the space of two years but having
by his folly and extravagance reduced himself to great difficulties he
demanded the remainder of her fortune from her father the duke of B who
absolutely refused to part with a shilling until a proper settlement should be
made on his daughter which by that time he had put out of his own power to do
by his folly and extravagance
As her ladyship by her endeavours to reform the oeconomy of her house had
incurred the displeasure of some idle profligate fellows who had fastened
themselves upon her husband and helped to consume his substance they seized
this opportunity of the dukes refusal and in order to be revenged upon the
innocent lady persuaded lord Am that the only means of extracting money from
his grace would be to turn her away on pretence of infidelity to his bed for
which they hinted there was but too much foundation At their suggestions a
most infamous plan was projected in the execution of which one P a poor
unbred simple country booby whom they had decoyed into a snare lost one of
his ears and the injured lady retired that same day to New Rss where she
continued several years She did not however leave the house without
struggling hard to carry her child along with her but far from enjoying such
indulgence strict orders were given that the boy should not for the future
be brought within her sight This base inhuman treatment instead of answering
the end proposed produced such a contrary effect that the duke of B by a
codicil to his will in which he reflects upon lord Ams evil temper directed
his executors to pay to his daughter an annuity of one hundred pounds while her
lord and she should continue to live separate and this allowance ceased on lord
Ams death
While she remained in this solitary situation the child was universally
known and received as the legitimate son and heir of her lord whose affection
for the boy was so conspicuous that in the midst of his own necessities he
never failed to maintain him in the dress and equipage of a young nobleman In
the course of his infancy his father having often changed his place of
residence the child was put under the instruction of a great many different
schoolmasters so that he was perfectly well known in a great many different
parts of the kingdom and his mother seized all opportunities which were but
rare on account of his fathers orders to the contrary of seeing and giving
him proofs of her maternal tenderness until she set out for England after
having been long in a declining state of health by a paralytical disorder upon
the consequence of which such dependance was placed by her inconsiderate
husband who was by this time reduced to extreme poverty that he actually
married a woman whom he had long kept as a mistress and this creature no sooner
understood that lady Alm was departed from Ireland than she openly avowed her
marriage and went about publickly with lord Am visiting his acquaintances in
character of his wife
From this æra may be dated the beginning of Mr Ays misfortunes this
artful woman who had formerly treated the child with an appearance of fondness
in order to ingratiate herself with the father now looking upon herself as
sufficiently established in the family thought it was high time to alter her
behaviour with regard to the unfortunate boy and accordingly for obvious
reasons employed a thousand artifices to alienate the heart of this weak father
from his unhappy offspring yet notwithstanding all her insinuations nature
still maintained her influence in his heart and though she often found means to
irritate him by artful and malicious accusations his resentment never extended
farther than fatherly correction and she would have found it impossible to
accomplish his ruin had not her efforts been reinforced by a new auxiliary who
was no other than his uncle the present usurper of his title and estate yet
even this confederacy was overawed in some measure by the fear of alarming
the unfortunate mother till her distemper increased to a most deplorable degree
of the dead palsy and the death of her father had reduced her to a most forlorn
and abject state of distress Then they ventured upon the execution of their
projects and though their aims were widely different concurred in their
endeavours to remove the hapless boy as the common obstacle to both
Lord Alm who as I have already observed was a man of weak intellects
and utterly void of any fixed principle of action being by this time reduced
to such a pitch of misery that he was often obliged to pawn his
wearingapparel in order to procure the common necessaries of life and having
no other fund remaining with which he could relieve his present necessities
except his sale of the reversion of the Aa estate to which the nonage of his
son was an effectual bar he was advised by his virtuous brother and the rest
of his counsellors to surmount this difficulty by secreting his son and
spreading a report of his death This honest project he the more readily
embraced because he knew that no act of his could frustrate the childs
succession Accordingly the boy was removed from the school at which he was
then boarded to the house of one Kgh an agent and accomplice of the present
earl of Aa where he was kept for several months closely confined and in the
mean time it was industriously reported that he was dead
This previous measure being taken lord Am published advertisements in the
gazettes offering reversions of the Aa estate to sale and emissaries of
various kinds were employed to inveigle such as were ignorant of the nature of
the settlement of these estates or strangers to the affairs of his family Some
people imposed upon by the report of the childs death were drawn in to
purchase thinking themselves safe in the concurrence of his lordships brother
upon presumption that he was next in remainder to the succession others
tempted by the smallness of the price which rarely exceeded half a years
purchase as appears by many deeds though they doubted the truth of the boys
being dead ran small risques on the contingency of his dying before he should
be of age or in hope of his being prevailed upon to confirm the grants of his
father and many more were treating with him on the same notions when their
transactions were suddenly interrupted and the scheme of raising more money
for the present defeated by the unexpected appearance of the boy who being
naturally sprightly and impatient of restraint had found means to break from
his confinement and wandered up and down the streets of Dublin avoiding his
fathers house and choosing to encounter all sorts of distress rather than
subject himself again to the cruelty and malice of the woman who supplied his
mothers place Thus debarred his fathers protection and destitute of any
fixed habitation he herded with all the loose idle and disorderly youths in
Dublin skulking chiefly about the college several members and students of
which taking pity on his misfortunes supplied him at different times with
cloaths and money In this unsettled and uncomfortable way of life did he
remain from the year 1725 to the latter end of November 1727 at which time his
father died so miserably poor that he was actually buried at the public
expence
This unfortunate nobleman was no sooner dead than his brother Richard now
earl of Aa taking advantage of the nonage and helpless situation of his
nephew seized upon all the papers of the defunct and afterwards usurped the
title of lord Am to the surprize of the servants and others who were
acquainted with the affairs of the family This usurpation bold as it was
produced no other effect than that of his being insulted by the populace as he
went through the streets and the refusal of the king at arms to enrol the
certificate of his brothers having died without issue The first of these
inconveniences he bore without any sense of shame tho not without repining
conscious that it would gradually vanish with the novelty of his invasion and
as to the last he conquered it by means well known and obvious
Nor will it seem strange that he should thus invade the rights of an orphan
with impunity if people will consider that the late lord Am had not only
squandered away his fortune with the most ridiculous extravagance but also
associated himself with low company so that he was little known and less
regarded by persons of any rank and figure in life and his child of
consequence debarred of the advantages which might have accrued from valuable
connexions And tho it was universally known that lady Am had a son in
Ireland such was the obscurity in which the father had lived during the last
years of his life that few of the nobility could be supposed to be acquainted
with the particular circumstances of a transaction in which they had no concern
and which had happened at the distance of twelve years before the date of this
usurpation Moreover as their first information was no other than common fame
the public clamour occasioned by the separation might inspire such as were
strangers to the family affairs with a mistaken notion of the childs having
been born about or after the time of that event The hurry and bustle occasioned
by the arrival of the lord lieutenant about this period the reports
industriously propagated of the claimants death the obscurity and concealment
in which the boy was obliged to live in order to elude the wicked attempts of
his uncle might also contribute to his peaceable enjoyment of an empty title
and lastly lord chancellor Wm whose immediate province it was to issue writs
for parliament was an utter stranger in Ireland unacquainted with the descents
of families and consequently did not examine farther than the certificate
enrolled in the books of the king at arms Over and above these circumstances
which naturally account for the success of the imposture it may be observed
that the hapless youth had not one relation alive on the side of his father
whose interest it was not to forward or connive at his destruction that his
grandfather the duke of B was dead and that his mother was then in England
in a forlorn destitute dying condition secreted from the world and even from
her own relations by her woman Mary H who had a particular interest to
secrete her and altogether dependant upon a miserable and precarious allowance
from the dutchess of B to whose caprice she was moreover a most wretched
slave
Notwithstanding these concurring circumstances in favour of the usurper he
did not think himself secure while the orphan had any chance of finding a friend
who would undertake his cause and therefore laid a plan for his being
kidnapped and sent to America as a slave His coadjutor in this humane scheme
was a person who carried on the trade of transporting servants to our
plantations and was deeply interested on this occasion having for a meer
trifle purchased of the late lord Am the reversion of a considerable part of
the Aa estate which shameful bargain was confirmed by the brother but could
never take place unless the boy could be effectually removed
Every thing being settled with this auxiliary several ruffians were
employed in search of the unhappy victim and the first attempt that was made
upon him in which his uncle personally assisted happening near one of the
great markets of the city of Dublin an honest butcher with the assistance of
his neighbours rescued him by force from their cruel hands This however was
but a short respite for tho warned by this adventure the boy seldom crept
out of his lurking places without the most cautious circumspection he was in
March 1727 discovered by the diligence of his persecutors and forcibly dragged
on board of a ship bound for Newcastle on Delaware river in America where he
was sold as a slave and kept to hard labour much above his age or strength
for the space of thirteen years during which he was transferred from one person
to another
While he remained in this servile situation he often mentioned to those in
whom he thought such confidence might be placed the circumstances of his birth
and title together with the manner of his being exiled from his native country
although in this particular he neglected a caution which he had received in
his passage importing that such discovery would cost him his life Mean while
the usurper quietly enjoyed his right and to those who questioned him about his
brothers son constantly replied that the boy had been dead for several years
And Arthur earl of Aa dying in April 1737 he upon pretence of being next
heir succeeded to the honours and estate of that nobleman
The term of the nephews bondage which had been lengthened out beyond the
usual time on account of his repeated attempts to escape being expired in the
year 1739 he hired himself as a common sailor in a trading vessel bound to
Jamaica and there being entered on board of one of his majestys ships under
the command of admiral Vernon openly declared his parentage and pretensions
This extraordinary claim which made a great noise in the fleet reaching the
ears of one lieutenant Sn nearly related to the usurpers Irish wife he
believed the young gentleman to be an impostor and thinking it was incumbent
upon him to discover the cheat he went on board of the ship to which the
claimant belonged and having heard the account which he gave of himself was
notwithstanding his prepossessions convinced of the truth of what he alledged
and on his return to his own ship chanced to mention this extraordinary affair
upon the quarterdeck in the hearing of Mr Bn one of the midshipmen who had
formerly been at school with Mr Ay This young gentleman not only told the
lieutenant that he had been schoolfellow with lord Ams son but also
declared that he should know him again if not greatly altered as he still
retained a perfect idea of his countenance
Upon this intimation the lieutenant proposed that the experiment should be
tried and went with the midshipman on board the ship that the claimant was in
for that purpose After all the sailors had been assembled upon deck Mr Bn
casting his eyes around immediately distinguished Mr Ay in the croud and
laying his hand on his shoulder This is the man said he affirming at the same
time that while he continued at school with him the claimant was reputed and
respected as lord Ams son and heir and maintained in all respects suitable to
the dignity of his rank Nay he was in like manner recognized by several
other persons in the fleet who had known him in his infancy
These things being reported to the admiral he generously ordered him to be
supplied with necessaries and treated like a gentleman and in his next
dispatches transmitted an account of the affair to the duke of Newcastle among
the other transactions of the fleet
In September or October 1741 Mr Ay arrived in London and the first
person to whom he applied for advice and assistance was a man of the law nearly
related to the families of Aa and Am and well acquainted with the particular
affairs of each who far from treating him as a bastard and impostor received
him with civility and seeming kindness asked him to eat presented him with a
piece of money and excusing himself from meddling in the affair advised him
to go to Ireland as the most proper place for commencing a suit for the
recovery of his right
Before the young gentleman had an opportunity or indeed any inclination to
comply with this advice he was accidentally met in the street by that same Hn
who as I have mentioned gave Mr Mr the first insight into the affair This
man immediately knew the claimant having been formerly an agent for his father
and afterwards a creature of his uncles with whom he was not without reason
suspected to be concerned in kidnapping and transporting his nephew Be that as
it will his connexions with the usurper were now broke off by a quarrel in
consequence of which he had thrown up his agency and he invited the hapless
stranger to his house with a view of making all possible advantage of such a
guest
There he had not long remained when his treacherous landlord tampering
with his inexperience effected a marriage between him and the daughter of one
of his own friends who lodged in his house at the same time but afterwards
seeing no person of consequence willing to espouse his cause he looked upon him
as an incumbrance and wanted to rid his hands of him accordingly He remembered
that Mr Mr had expressed himself with all the humanity of apprehension in
favour of the unfortunate young nobleman before his arrival in England and
being well acquainted with the generosity of his disposition he no sooner
understood that he was returned from France than he waited upon him with an
account of Mr Ays being safely arrived Mr Mr was sincerely rejoiced to
find that a person who had been so cruelly injured and undergone so long and
continued a scene of distress was restored to a country where he was sure of
obtaining justice and where every good man as he imagined would make the
cause his own and being informed that the youth was in want of necessaries he
gave twenty guineas to Hn for his use and promised to do him all the service
in his power but had no intention to take upon himself the whole weight of such
an important affair or indeed to appear in the cause until he should be fully
and throughly satisfied that the claimants pretensions were well founded
In the mean time Hn insinuating that the young gentleman was not safe in
his present lodging from the machinations of his enemies Mr accommodated him
with an apartment in his own house where he was at great pains to remedy the
defect in his education by rendering him fit to appear as a gentleman in the
world and having received from him all the intelligence he could give relating
to his own affair laid the case before council and dispatched a person to
Ireland to make further enquiries upon the same subject who on his first
arrival in that kingdom found the claimants birth was as publickly known as
any circumstance of that kind could possibly be at so great a distance of time
The usurper and his friends gave all the interruption in their power to any
researches concerning that affair and had recourse to every art and expedient
that could be invented to prevent its being brought to a legal discussion
privilege bills in chancery orders of court surreptitiously and illegally
obtained and every other invention was made use of to bar and prevent a fair
and honest trial by a jury The usurper himself and his agents at the same
time that they formed divers conspiracies against his life in vain endeavoured
to detach Mr Mr from the orphans cause by innumerable artifices
insinuating cajoling and misrepresenting with surprising dexterity and
perseverance
His protector far from being satisfied with their reasons was not only
deaf to their remonstrances but believing him in danger from their repeated
efforts had him privately conveyed into the country where an unhappy accident
which he hath ever since sincerely regreted furnished his adversary a
colourable pretext to cut him off in the beginning of his career
A man happening to lose his life by the accidental discharge of a piece
that chanced to be in the young gentlemans hands the account of this
misfortune no sooner reached the ears of his uncle than he expressed the most
immoderate joy at having found so good a handle for destroying him under colour
of law He immediately constituted himself prosecutor set his emissaries at
work to secure a coroners inquest suited to his cruel purposes set out for the
place in person to take care that the prisoner should not escape insulted him
in jail in the most inhuman manner employed a whole army of attornies and
agents to spirit up and carry on a most virulent prosecution practised all the
unfair methods that could be invented in order that the unhappy gentleman
should be transported to Newgate from the healthy prison to which he was at
first committed endeavoured to inveigle him into destructive confessions and
not to mention other more infamous arts employed in the affair of evidence
attempted to surprize him upon his trial in the absence of his witnesses and
council contrary to a previous agreement with the prosecutors own attorney
nay he even appeared in person upon the bench at the trial in order to
intimidate the evidence and browbeat the unfortunate prisoner at the bar and
expended above a thousand pounds in that prosecution In spite of all his wicked
efforts however which were defeated by the spirit and indefatigable industry
of Mr Mr the young gentleman was honourably acquitted to the evident
satisfaction of all the impartial the misfortune that gave a handle for that
unnatural prosecution appearing to a demonstration to have been a mere
accident
In a few months his protector who had now openly espoused his cause
taking with him two gentlemen to witness his transactions conducted him to his
native country with a view to be better informed of the strength of his
pretensions than he could be by the intelligences he had hitherto received or
by the claimants own dark and almost obliterated remembrance of the facts which
were essential to be known Upon their arrival in Dublin application was made
to those persons whom Mr Ay had named as his schoolmasters and companions
together with the servants and neighbours of his father These though examined
separately without having the least previous intimation of what the claimant
had reported agreed in their accounts with him as well as with one another
and mentioned many other people as acquainted with the same facts to whom Mr
Mr had recourse and still met with the same unvaried information By these
means he made such progress in his inquiries that in less than two months no
fewer than one hundred persons from different quarters of the kingdom either
personally or by letters communicated their knowledge of the claimant in
declarations consonant with one another as well as with the accounts he gave of
himself Several servants who had lived with his father and been deceived with
the story of his death so industriously propagated by his uncle no sooner
heard of his being in Dublin than they came from different parts of the country
to see him and though great pains were taken to deceive them they
nevertheless knew him at first sight some of them fell upon their knees to
thank heaven for his preservation embraced his legs and shed tears of joy for
his return
Although the conduct of his adversary particularly in the abovementioned
prosecution together with the evidence that already appeared were sufficient
to convince all mankind of the truth of the claimants pretensions Mr Mr in
order to be further satisfied resolved to see how he would be received upon the
spot where he was born justly concluding that if he was really an impostor
the bastard of a kitchenwench produced in a country intirely possessed by his
enemy and his allies he must be looked upon in that place with the utmost
detestation and contempt
This his intention was no sooner known to the adverse party than their
agents and friends from all quarters repaired to that place with all possible
dispatch and used all their influence with the people in remonstrances
threats and all the other arts they could devise not only to discountenance
the claimant upon his arrival but even to spirit up a mob to insult him
Notwithstanding these precautions and the servile awe and subjection in which
tenants are kept by their landlords in that part of the country as soon as it
was known that Mr Ay approached the town the inhabitants crowded out in
great multitudes to receive and welcome him and accompanied him into town with
acclamations and other expressions of joy insomuch that the agents of his
adversary durst not shew their faces The sovereign of the corporation who was
a particular creature and favourite of the usurper and whose all depended upon
the issue of the cause was so conscious of the strangers right and so much
awed by the behaviour of the people who knew that consciousness that he did
not think it safe even to preserve the appearance of neutrality upon this
occasion but actually held the stirrup while Mr Ay dismounted from his
horse
This sense of conviction in the people manifested itself still more
powerfully when he returned to the same place in the year 1744 about which
time lord Aa being informed of his resolution determined again to be
beforehand with him and set out in person with his agents and friends some of
whom were detached before him to prepare for his reception and induce the
people to meet him in a body and accompany him to town with such expressions
of welcome as they had before bestowed on his nephew but in spite of all their
art and interest he was suffered to pass through the street in a mournful
silence and though several barrels of beer were produced to court the favour
of the populace they had no other effect than that of drawing their ridicule
upon the donor whereas when Mr Ay two days afterwards appeared all the
inhabitants with garlands streamers music and other ensigns of joy crowded
out to meet him and ushered him into town with such demonstrations of pleasure
and goodwill that the noble peer found it convenient to hide himself from the
resentment of his own tenants the effects of which he must have severely felt
had not he been screened by the timely remonstrances of Mr Mr and the other
gentlemen who accompanied his competitor
Nor did his apprehension vanish with the transactions of this day the town
was again in uproar on the Sunday following when it was known that Mr Ay
intended to come thither from Dunmain to church they went out to meet him as
before and conducted him to the churchdoor with acclamations which terrified
his uncle to such a degree that he fled with precipitation in a boat and soon
after intirely quitted the place
It would be almost an endless task to enumerate the particular steps that
were taken by one side to promote and by the other to delay the trial the
young gentlemans adversaries finding that they could not by all the
subterfuges and arts they had used evade it repeated attempts were made to
assassinate him and his protector and every obstruction thrown in the way of
his cause which craft could invent villany execute and undue influence
confirm But all these difficulties were surmounted by the vigilance constancy
courage and sagacity of Mr and at last the affair was brought to a very
solemn trial at bar which being continued by several adjournments from the
eleventh to the twentyfifth day of November a verdict was found for the
claimant by a jury of gentlemen which in point of reputation and property
cannot be easily paralleled in the annals of that or any other country a jury
that could by no means be suspected of prepossessions in favour of Mr Any
to whose person they were absolute strangers especially if we consider that a
gentleman in their neighbourhood who was nephew to the foreman and nearly
related to some of the rest of their number forfeited a considerable estate by
their decision
This verdict said the parson gave the highest satisfaction to all
impartial persons that were within reach of being truly informed of their
proceedings and of the different genius and conduct of the parties engaged in
the contest but more especially to such as were in court as I was at the
trial and had an opportunity of observing the characters and behaviour of the
persons who appeared there to give evidence To such it was very apparent
that all the witnesses produced there on the part of the uncle were either his
tenants dependents potcompanions or persons some way or other interested in
the issue of the suit and remarkable for a low kind of cunning that many of
them were persons of profligate lives who deserved no credit that independent
of the levity of their characters those of them who went under the denomination
of colonels colonel Lfts alone excepted who had nothing to say and was only
brought there in order to give credit to that party made so ridiculous a
figure and gave so absurd contradictory and inconsistent an evidence as no
court or jury could give the least degree of credit to On the other hand it
was observed that the nephew and Mr Mr his chief manager being absolute
strangers in that country and unacquainted with the characters of the persons
they had to deal with were obliged to lay before the court and jury such
evidence as came to their hand some of whom plainly appeared to have been put
upon them by their adversaries with a design to hurt It was also manifest
that the witnesses produced for Mr Ay were such as could have no manner of
connexion with him nor any dependence whatsoever upon him to influence their
evidence for the far greatest part of them had never seen him from his infancy
till the trial began and that many of them though poor and undignified with
the title of colonels were people of unblemished character of great
simplicity and such as no man in his senses would pitch upon to support a bad
cause It is plain that the jury whose wellknown honour impartiality and
penetration must be revered by all who are acquainted with them were not under
the least difficulty about their verdict for they were not inclosed above half
an hour when they returned with it These gentlemen could not help observing
the great inequality of the parties engaged the great advantages that the uncle
had in every other respect except the truth and justice of his case over the
nephew by means of his vast possessions and of his power and influence all
round the place of his birth nor could the contrast between the different
geniuses of the two parties escape their observation They could not but see
and conclude that a person who had confessedly transported and sold his
orphannephew into slavery who on his return had carried on so unwarrantable
and cruel a prosecution to take away his life under colour of law and who had
also given such glaring proofs of his skill and dexterity in the management of
witnesses for that cruel purpose was in like manner capable of exerting the
same happy talent on this occasion when his all was at stake more especially
as he had so many others who were equally interested with himself and whose
abilities in that respect fell nothing short of his own to second him in it
The gentlemen of the jury had also a near view of the manner in which the
witnesses delivered their testimonies and had from thence an opportunity of
observing many circumstances and distinguishing characteristics of truth and
falshood from which a great deal could be gathered that could not be
adequately conveyed by any printed account how exact soever consequently they
must have been much better judges of the evidence on which they founded their
verdict than any person who had not the same opportunity can possibly be
These Mr Pickle were my reflections on what I had occasion to observe
concerning that famous trial and on my return to England two years after I
could not help pitying the selfsufficiency of some people who at this
distance pretended to pass their judgment on that verdict with as great
positiveness as if they had been in the secrets of the cause or upon the jury
who tried it and that from no better authority than the declamations of lord
Anas emissaries and some falsified printed accounts artfully cooked up on
purpose to mislead and deceive
But to return from this digression lord Aa the defendant in that cause
was so conscious of the strength and merits of his injured nephews case and
that a verdict would go against him that he ordered a writ of error to be made
out before the trial was ended and the verdict was no sooner given than he
immediately lodged it though he well knew he had no manner of error to assign
This expedient was practised merely for vexation and delay in order to keep Mr
Ay from the possession of the small estate he had recovered by the verdict
that his slender funds being exhausted he might be deprived of other means to
prosecute his right and by the most oppressive contrivances and scandalous
chicanery it has been kept up to this day without his being able to assign the
least shadow of any error
Lord Aa was not the only antagonist that Mr Ay had to deal with all
the different branches of the Aa family who had been worrying one another at
law ever since the death of the late earl of Aa about the partition of his
great estate were now firmly united in an association against this unfortunate
gentleman mutual deeds were executed among them by which many great lordships
and estates were given up by the uncle to persons who had no right to possess
them in order to engage them to side with him against his nephew in
withholding the unjust possession of the remainder
These confederates having held several consultations against their common
enemy and finding that his cause gathered daily strength since the trial by
the accession of many witnesses of figure and reputation who had not been heard
of before and that the only chance they had to prevent the speedy establishment
of his right and their own destruction was by stripping Mr Mr of the little
money that yet remained and stopping all further resources whereby he might be
enabled to proceed they therefore came to a determined resolution to carry
that hopeful scheme into execution and in pursuance thereof they have left no
expedient or stratagem how extraordinary or scandalous soever unpractised to
distress Mr Any and that gentleman For that end all the oppressive arts and
dilatory expensive contrivances that the fertile invention of the lowest
pettifoggers of the law could possibly devise have with great dexterity been
played off against them in fruitless quibbling and malicious suits intirely
foreign to the merits of the cause Not to mention numberless other acts of
oppression the most extraordinary and unprecedented proceedings by means
whereof this sham writ of error hath been kept on foot ever since November 1743
is to me said the doctor a most flagrant instance not only of the prevalency
of power and money when employed as in the present case against an
unfortunate helpless man disabled as he is of the means of ascertaining his
right but of the badness of a cause that hath recourse to so many iniquitous
expedients to support it
In a word the whole conduct of lord Aa and his party from the beginning
to this time hath been such as sufficiently manifests that it could proceed
from no other motives than a consciousness of Mr Ays right and of their own
illegal usurpations and from a terror of trusting the merits of their case to a
fair discussion by the laws of their country and that the intention and main
drift of all their proceedings plainly tends to stifle and smother the merits of
the case from the knowledge of the world by oppressive arts and ingenious
delays rather than trust it to the candid determination of an honest jury What
else could be the motives of kidnapping the claimant and transporting him when
an infant of the various attempts made upon his life since his return of the
attempts to divest him of all assistance to ascertain his right by endeavouring
so solicitously to prevail on Mr Mr to abandon him in the beginning of
retaining an army of counsel before any suit had been commenced of the many
sinister attempts to prevent the trial at bar of the various arts made use of
to terrify any one from appearing as witness for the claimant and to seduce
those who had appeared of the shameless unprecedented low tricks now
practised to keep him out of the possession of that estate for which he had
obtained the verdict thereby to disable him from bringing his cause to a
further hearing and of the attempts made to buy up Mr Ms debts and to
spirit up suits against him Is it not obvious from all these circumstances as
well as from the obstruction they have given to the attorneygenerals
proceeding to make a report to his majesty on the claimants petition to the
King for the peerage which was referred by his majesty to that gentleman so
far back as 1743 that all their efforts are bent to that one point of stifling
rather than suffering the merits of this cause to come to a fair and candid
hearing and that the sole consideration at present between them and this
unfortunate man is not whether he is right or wrong but whether he shall or
shall not find money to bring this cause to a final determination
Lord Aa and his confederates not thinking themselves safe with all these
expedients while there was a possibility of their antagonists obtaining any
assistance from such as humanity compassion generosity or a love of justice
might induce to lay open their purses to his assistance in ascertaining his
right have by themselves and their numerous emissaries employed all the arts
of calumny slander and detraction against him by traducing his cause
vilifying his person and most basely and cruelly tearing his character to
pieces by a thousand misrepresentations purposely invented and industriously
propagated in all places of resort which is a kind of cowardly assassination
that there is no guarding against yet in spite of all these machinations and
the shameful indifference of mankind who stand aloof unconcerned and see this
unhappy gentleman most inhumanely oppressed by the weight of lawless power and
faction Mr far from suffering himself to be dejected by the multiplying
difficulties that croud upon him still exerts himself with amazing fortitude
and assiduity and will I doubt not bring the affair he began and carried on
with so much spirit while his finances lasted to an happy conclusion
It would exceed the bounds of my intention and perhaps trespass too much
upon your time were I to enumerate the low artifices and shameful quibbles by
which the usurper has found means to procrastinate the decision of the contest
between him and his hapless nephew or to give a detail of the damage and
perplexity which Mr M has sustained and been involved in by the treachery and
ingratitude of some who listed themselves under him in the prosecution of this
affair and by the villainy of others who under various pretences of material
discoveries they had to make etc had fastened themselves upon him and
continued to do all the mischief in their power until the cloven foot was
detected
One instance however is so flagrantly flagitious that I cannot resist the
inclination I feel to relate it as an example of the most infernal perfidy that
perhaps ever entered the human heart I have already mentioned the part which
Hn acted in the beginning of Ms connection with the unfortunate stranger and
hinted that the said Hn lay under many obligations to that gentleman before
Mr Ays arrival in England He had been chief agent to lord Ay and as it
afterwards appeared received several payments of a secret pension which that
lord enjoyed for which he either could not or would not account His lordship
therefore in order to compel him to it took out writs against him and his
house was continually surrounded with catchpoles for the space of two whole
years
Mr M believing from Hns own account of the matter that the poor man
was greatly injured and persecuted on account of his attachment to the unhappy
young gentleman did him all the good offices in his power and became security
for him on several occasions nay such was his opinion of his integrity that
after Mr Ay was cleared of the prosecution carried on against him by his
uncle his person was trusted to the care of this hypocrite who desired that
the young gentleman might lodge at his house for the convenience of air Ms
own occasions calling him often into the country
Having thus by his consummate dissimulation acquired such a valuable
charge he wrote a letter to one of lord Ays attornies offering to betray Mr
Aney provided his lordship would settle his account and give him a discharge
for eight hundred pounds of the pension which he had received and not
accounted for Mr M informed of this treacherous proposal immediately
removed his lodger from his house into his own without assigning his reasons
for so doing until he was obliged to declare it in order to free himself from
the importunities of Hn who earnestly solicited his return This miscreant
finding himself detected and disappointed in his villainous design was so much
enraged at his miscarriage that forgetting all the benefits he had received
from M for a series of years he practised all the mischief that his malice
could contrive against him and at length entered into a confederacy with one
Gtry and several other abandoned wretches who as before said under various
pretences of being able to make material discoveries and otherwise to serve the
cause had found means to be employed in some extrabusiness relating to it
tho their real intention was to betray the claimant
These confederates in conjunction with some other auxiliaries of infamous
character being informed that Mr Mr was on the point of securing a
considerable sum to enable him to prosecute Mr Anys right and to bring it
to a happy conclusion contrived a deep laid scheme to disappoint him in it and
at once to ruin the cause And previous measures being taken for that wicked
purpose they imposed upon the young gentlemans inexperience and credulity by
insinuations equally false plausible and malicious to which they at length
gained his belief by the mention of some circumstances that gave what they
alleged an air of probability and even of truth They swore that Mr M had
taken out an action against him for a very large sum of money that they had
actually seen the writ that the intention of it was to throw him into prison
for life and ruin his cause in consequence of an agreement made by him with
lord Aey and his other enemies to retrieve the money that he had laid out in
the cause
This plausible tale was enforced with such an air of truth candor and
earnest concern for his safety and was strengthened by so many imprecations
and corroborating circumstances of their invention as would have staggered one
of much greater experience and knowledge of mankind than Mr Aey could be
supposed at that time The notion of perpetual imprisonment and the certain
ruin they made him believe his cause was threatened with worked upon his
imagination to such a degree that he suffered himself to be led like a lamb to
the slaughter by this artful band of villains who secreted him at the lodgings
of one Prntce an intimate of Gys for several days under colour of his
being hunted by bailiffs employed by Mr M where he was not only obliged by
them to change his name but even his wife was not suffered to have access to
him
Their design was to have sold him or drawn him into a ruinous compromise
with his adversaries for a valuable consideration to themselves But as no ties
are binding among such a knot of villains the rest of the conspirators were
jockied by Gstey who in order to monopolize the advantage to himself
hurried his prize into the country and secreted him even from his confederates
in a place of concealment one hundred miles from London under the same
ridiculous pretence of Ms having taken out a writ against him and of
bailiffs being in pursuit of him every where round London
He was no sooner there than Gstey as a previous step to the other villany
he intended tricked him out of a bond for six thousand pounds under colour of
his having a person ready to advance the like sum upon it as an immediate fund
for carrying on his cause assuring him at the same time that he had a set of
gentlemen ready who were willing to advance twentyfive thousand pounds more
for the same purpose and to allow him five hundred pounds a year for his
maintenance till his cause should be made an end of provided that Mr M
should have no further concern with him or his cause
Mr Aey having by this time received some intimations of the deceit that
had been put upon him made answer that he should look upon himself as a very
ungrateful monster indeed if he deserted a person who had saved his life and
so generously ventured his own together with his fortune in his cause until
he should first be certain of the truth of what was alleged of him and
absolutely rejected the proposal Gstey who had no other view in making it
than to cover the secret villany he meditated against him and to facilitate the
execution thereof easily receded from it when he found Mr Aey so averse to
it and undertook nevertheless to raise the money adding that he might if he
pleased return to Mr M whenever it was secured The whole drift of this
pretended undertaking to raise the twentyfive thousand pounds was only to lay
a foundation for a dexterous contrivance to draw Mr Aey unwarily into the
execution of a deed relinquishing all his right and title under a notion of
its being a deed to secure the repayment of that sum
Gstey having as he imagined so far paved the way for the execution of
such a deed enters into an agreement with an agent employed for that purpose
by Mr Aeys adversaries purporting that in consideration of the payment of a
bond for six thousand pounds which he Gstey had as he pretended laid out
in Mr Aeys cause and of an annuity of seven hundred pounds a year he was to
procure for them from Mr Aey a deed ready executed relinquishing all right
and title to the Aney estate and honours Every thing being prepared for the
execution of this infernal scheme unknown to Mr Aey Gstey then thought
proper to send for him to town from his retirement in order as he pretended
to execute a security for twentyfive thousand pounds
This intended victim to that villains avarice no sooner arrived in town
full of hopes of money to carry on his cause and of agreeably surprising his
friend and protector Mr M with so seasonable and unexpected a reinforcement
than an unforeseen difficulty arose concerning the payment of Gsteys six
thousand pound bond That money was to have been raised out of the estate of a
lunatic which could not be done without the leave of the Court of Chancery to
whom an account must have been given of the intended application of it While
preparations were making to rectify this omission Gstey immediately carried
Mr Aey again into the country lest he should happen to be undeceived by some
means or other
In the mean time this wicked machination was providentially discovered by
Mr Mr before it could be carried into execution by means of the jealousies
that arose among the conspirators themselves and was at the same time
confirmed to him by a person whom the very agent for an Aney party had
entrusted with the secret Mr no sooner detected it than he communicated his
discovery to one of Mr Aeys council a man of great worth and immediately
thereupon took proper measures to defeat it He then found means to lay open to
Mr Aey himself the treacherous scheme that was laid for his destruction he
was highly sensible of it and could never afterwards reflect on the snare that
he had so unwarily been drawn into and had so narrowly escaped without a
mixture of horror shame and gratitude to his deliverer
The consummate assurance of the monsters who were engaged in this plot
after they had been detected and upbraided with their treachery is scarce to
be parallelled for they not only owned the fact of spiriting Mr Aey away in
the manner abovementioned but justified their doing it as tending to his
service They also maintained that they had actually secured the twentyfive
thousand pounds for him tho they never could name any one person who was to
have advanced the money No man was more active in this scheme than Hn nor any
man more solicitous to keep Mr Aey up in the false impressions he had
received or in projecting methods to ruin his protector than he
Among many other expedients for that purpose a most malicious attempt was
made to lodge an information against him for treasonable practices with the
secretary of state notwithstanding the repeated proofs he had given of his
loyalty and as a preparatory step to this accusation a letter which this
traitor dictated was copied by another person and actually sent to the earl of
Cd importing that the person who copied the letter had an affair of
consequence to communicate to his lordship if he would appoint a time for
receiving the information But that person upon full conviction of the villany
of the scheme absolutely refused to proceed further in it so that his malice
once more proved abortive and before he had time to execute any other
contrivance of the same nature he was imprisoned in this very jail for debt
Here finding his creditors inexorable and himself destitute of all other
resource he made application to the very man whom he had injured in such an
outrageous manner set forth his deplorable case in the most pathetic terms and
intreated him with the most abject humility to use his influence in his
behalf The distress of this varlet immediately disarmed Mr of his resentment
and even excited his compassion and without sending any answer to his
remonstrances he interceded for him with his creditors and the person to whom
he was chiefly indebted refusing to release him without security this
unwearied benefactor joined with the prisoner in a bond for above one hundred
and forty pounds by which he obtained his release
He was no sooner discharged however than he entered into fresh
combinations with Gy and others in order to thwart his deliverer in his
schemes of raising money and otherwise to distress and deprive him of liberty
for which purpose no art or industry perjury not excepted hath been spared
And what is still more extraordinary this perfidious monster having found
money to take up the bond in consequence of which he regained his freedom hath
procured a writ against Mr upon that very obligation and taken assignments
to some other debts of that gentleman with the same christian intention But
hitherto he hath by surprising sagacity and unshaken resolution baffled all
their infernal contrivances and retorted some of their machinations on their
own heads and at this time when he is supposed by some and represented by
others as under the circumstances of oblivion and despondence he proceeds in
his design with the utmost calmness and intrepidity meditating schemes and
ripening measures that will one day confound his enemies and attract the
notice and admiration of mankind«
Peregrine having thanked the priest for his obliging information expressed
his surprize at the scandalous inattention of the world to an affair of such
importance observing that by such inhuman neglect this unfortunate young
gentleman Mr Aey was absolutely deprived of all the benefit of society the
sole end of which is to protect the rights redress the grievances and promote
the happiness of individuals As for the character of Mr he said it was so
romantically singular in all its circumstances that tho other motives were
wanting curiosity alone would induce him to seek his acquaintance but he did
not at all wonder at the ungrateful returns which had been made to his
generosity by Hn and many others whom he had served in a manner that few
besides himself would have done for he had been long convinced of the truth
conveyed in these lines of a celebrated Italian author
Li beneficii che per la loro grandezza non puonno esser guiderdonati
con la scelerata moneta dell ingratitudine sono pagati
»The story which you have related of that young gentleman said he bears a
very strong resemblance to the fate of a Spanish nobleman as it was
communicated to me by one of his own intimate friends at Paris The countess
dAlvarez died immediately after the birth of a son and the husband surviving
her but three years the child was left sole heir to his honours and estate
under the guardianship of his uncle who had a small fortune and a great many
children This inhuman relation coveting the wealth of his infant ward formed
a design against the life of the helpless orphan and trusted the execution of
it to his valet de chambre who was tempted to undertake the murder by the
promise of a considerable reward He accordingly stabbed the boy with a knife
in three different places on the right side of his neck but as he was not
used to such barbarous attempts his hand failed in the performance and he was
seized with such remorse that perceiving the wounds were not mortal he
carried the hapless victim to the house of a surgeon by whose care they were
healed and in the mean time that he might not forfeit his recompence found
means to persuade his employer that his orders were performed A bundle being
made up for the purpose was publickly interred as the body of the child who
was said to have been suddenly carried off by a convulsion and the uncle
without opposition succeeded to his honours and estate The boy being cured of
his hurts was about the age of six delivered with a small sum of money to a
merchant just embarking for Turkey who was given to understand that he was the
bastard of a man of quality and that for family reasons it was necessary to
conceal his birth
While the unfortunate orphan remained in this deplorable state of bondage
all the children of the usurper died one after another and he himself being
taken dangerously ill attributed all his afflictions to the just judgment of
God and communicated his anxiety on that subject to the valet de chambre who
had been employed in the murder of his nephew That domestic in order to quiet
his masters conscience and calm the perturbation of his spirits confessed
what he had done and gave him hopes of still finding the boy by dint of
industry and expence The unhappy child being the only hope of the family of
Alvarez the uncle immediately ordered a minute inquiry to be set on foot in
consequence of which he was informed that the orphan had been sold to a Turk
who had afterwards transferred him to an English merchant by whom he was
conveyed to London
An express was immediately dispatched to this capital where he understood
that the unhappy exile had in consideration of his faithful services been
bound apprentice to a French barbersurgeon and after he had sufficiently
qualified himself in that profession been received into the family of the count
de Gallas at that time the emperors embassador at the court of London From
the house of this nobleman he was traced into the service of count dOberstorf
where he had married his ladys chambermaid and then gone to settle as a
surgeon in Bohemia
In the course of these inquiries several years elapsed his uncle who was
very much attached to the house of Austria lived at Barcelona when the father
of this empress queen resided in that city and lent him a very considerable sum
of money in the most pressing emergency of his affairs and when that prince was
on the point of returning to Germany the old count finding his end approaching
sent his father confessor to his majesty with a circumstantial account of the
barbarity he had practised against his nephew for which he implored
forgiveness and beggd he would give orders that the orphan when found
should inherit the dignities and fortune which he had unjustly usurped
His majesty assured the old man that he might make himself easy on that
score and ordered the confessor to follow him to Vienna immediately after the
counts death in order to assist his endeavours in finding out the injured
heir The priest did not fail to yield obedience to this command he informed
himself of certain natural marks on the young counts body which were known to
the nurse and women who attended him in his infancy and with a gentleman whom
the emperor ordered to accompany him set out for Bohemia where he soon found
the object of his inquiry in the capacity of major domo to a nobleman of that
country he having quitted his profession of surgery for that office
He was not a little surprized when he found himself circumstantially
catechised about the particulars of his life by persons commissioned for that
purpose by the emperor He told them that he was absolutely ignorant of his own
birth though he had been informed during his residence in Turkey that he was
the bastard of a Spanish grandee and gave them a minute detail of the
pilgrimage he had undergone This information agreeing with the intelligence
which the priest had already received and being corroborated by the marks upon
his body and the very scars of the wounds which had been inflicted upon him in
his infancy the confessor without further hesitation saluted him by the name
of count dAlvarez grandee of Spain and explained the whole mystery of his
fortune
If he was agreeably amazed at this explanation the case was otherwise with
his wife who thought herself in great danger of being abandoned by an husband
of such high rank but he immediately dispelled her apprehension by assuring
her that as she had shared in his adversity she should also partake of his
good fortune He set out immediately for Vienna to make his acknowledgements to
the emperor who favoured him with a very gracious reception promised to use
his influence so that he might enjoy the honours and estate of his family and
in the mean time acknowledged himself his debtor for four hundred thousand
florins which he had borrowed from his uncle He threw himself at the feet of
his august protector expressed the most grateful sense of his goodness and
beggd he might be permitted to settle in some of his imperial majestys
dominions
This request was immediately granted he was allowed to purchase land in any
part of the hereditary dominions of the house of Austria to the amount of the
sum I have mentioned and made choice of the country of Ratibor in Silesia
where in all probability he still resides«
Peregrine had scarce finished this narrative when he perceived Mr Mr
slip something into the hand of the young man with whom he had been conversing
at the other end of the room and rise up from the table in order to take his
leave He at once understood the meaning of this conveyance and longed for an
opportunity to be acquainted with such a rare instance of primitive benevolence
but the consciousness of his present situation hindered him from making any
advance that might be construed into forwardness or presumption
Chapter CVII
He is surprised with the Appearance of Hatchway and Pipes who take up their
Habitation in his Neighbourhood contrary to his Inclination and express Desire
Being now regularly initiated in the mysteries of the Fleet and reconciled in
some measure to the customs of the place he began to bear the edge of
reflection without wincing and thinking it would be highly imprudent in him to
defer any longer the purposes by which only he could enjoy any ease and
satisfaction in his confinement he resolved to resume his task of translating
and every week compose an occasional paper by way of revenge upon the minister
against whom he had denounced eternal war With this view he locked himself up
in his chamber and went to work with great eagerness and application when he
was interrupted by a ticketporter who putting a letter in his hand vanished
in a moment before he had time to peruse the contents
Our hero opening the billet was not a little surprised to find a banknote
for fifty pounds inclosed in a blank sheet of paper and having exercised his
memory and penetration on the subject of this unexpected windfall had just
concluded that it could come from no other than the lady who had so kindly
visited him a few days before when his ears were suddenly invaded by the
wellknown sound of that whistle which always hung about the neck of Pipes as a
memorial of his former occupation and this tune being performed he heard the
noise of a wooden leg ascending the stair upon which he opened his door and
beheld his friend Hatchway with his old shipmate at his back
After a cordial shake of the hand with the usual salutation of »What cheer
cousin Pickle« honest Jack seated himself without ceremony and casting his
eyes around the apartment »Split my topstaysail said he with an arch sneer
you have got into a snug birth cousin Here you may sit all weathers without
being turned out to take your watch and no fear of the ships dragging her
anchor You hant much room to spare tis true an I had known as how you
stowed so close Tom should have slung my own hammock for you and then you
mought have knocked down this great lubberly hurricane house But mayhap you
turn in double and so you dont chuse to trust yourself and your doxy to a clue
and canvas«
Pickle bore his jokes with great goodhumour rallied him in his turn about
the dairymaid at the garrison enquired about his friends in the country asked
if he had been to visit his niece and finally expressed a desire of knowing
the cause of his journey to London The lieutenant satisfied his curiosity in
all these particulars and in answer to the last question observed that
understanding from the information of Pipes that he was landlocked he had
come from the country in order to tow him into the offing »I know not how the
wind sits said he but if so be as three thousand pounds will bring you clear
of the cape say the word and you shant lie windbound another glass for want
of the money«
This was an offer which few people in our heros situation would have
altogether refused especially as he had all the reason in the world to believe
that far from being a vain unmeaning compliment it was the genuine tribute of
friendship which the lieutenant would have willingly ay and with pleasure
paid Nevertheless Peregrine peremptorily refused his assistance tho not
without expressing himself in terms of acknowledgment suitable to the occasion
and told him it would be time enough to make use of his generosity when he
should find himself destitute of all other resource Jack employed all his
rhetorick with a view of persuading him to take this opportunity to procure his
own enlargement and finding his arguments ineffectual insisted upon his
accepting an immediate supply for his necessary occasions swearing with great
vehemence that he would never return to the garison unless he would put him
upon the footing of any other tenant and receive his rent accordingly
Our young gentleman as positively swore that he never would consider him in
that light remonstrating that he had long ago settled the house upon him for
life as a pledge of his own esteem as well as in conformity with the
commodores desire and beseeching him to return to his usual avocations
protested that if ever his situation should subject him to the necessity of
borrowing from his friends Mr Hatchway should be the first man to whom he
would apply himself for succour To convince him that this was not the case at
present he produced the banknote which he had received in the letter
together with his own ready money and mentioned some other funds which he
invented extempore in order to amuse the lieutenants concern In the close of
this expostulation he desired Pipes to conduct Mr Hatchway to the
coffeehouse where he might entertain himself with the newspapers for half an
hour during which he would put on his cloaths and bespeak something for
dinner that they might enjoy each others company as long as his occasions
would permit him to stay in that place
The two sailors were no sooner gone than he took up the pen and wrote the
following letter in which he inclosed the banknote to his generous
benefactress
Madam
Your humanity is not more ingenious than my suspicion In vain you
attempt to impose upon me by an act of generosity which no person upon
earth but your ladyship is capable of committing Tho your name was
not subscribed on the paper your sentiments were fully displayed in the
contents which I must beg leave to restore with the same sense of
gratitude and for the same reasons I expressed when last I had the
honour to converse with you upon this subject Tho I am deprived of my
liberty by the villainy and ingratitude of mankind I am not yet
destitute of the other conveniences of life and therefore beg to be
excused from incurring an unnecessary addition to that load of
obligation you have alread y laid upon
Madam
Your ladyships most devoted
Humble servant
PEREGRINE PICKLE
Having dressed himself and repaired to the place of appointment he dispatched
this epistle by the hands of Pipes who was ordered to leave it at her
ladyships house without staying for an answer and in the mean time gave
directions for dinner which he and his friend Hatchway ate very chearfully in
his own apartment after he had entertained him with a sight of all the
curiosities in the place During their repast Jack repeated his kind offers to
our adventurer who declined them with his former obstinacy and begged he might
be no more importuned on that subject but if he insisted upon giving some
fresh proofs of his friendship he might have an opportunity of exhibiting it in
taking Pipes under his care and protection for nothing affected him so much as
his inability to provide for such a faithful adherent
The lieutenant desired he would give himself no trouble upon that score he
being of his own accord perfectly well disposed to befriend his old shipmate
who should never want while he had a shilling to spare But he began to drop
some hints of an intention to fix his quarters in the Fleet observing that the
air seemed to be very good in that place and that he was tired of living in the
country What he said did not amount to a plain declaration and therefore
Peregrine did not answer it as such tho he perceived his drift and took an
opportunity of describing the inconveniences of the place in such a manner as
he hoped would deter him from putting such an extravagant plan in execution
This expedient however far from answering the end proposed had a quite
contrary effect and furnished Hatchway with an argument against his own
unwillingness to quit such a disagreeable place And in all probability Jack
would have been more explicit with regard to the scheme he had proposed if the
conversation had not been interrupted by the arrival of Cadwallader who never
failed in the performance of his diurnal visit Hatchway conjecturing that this
stranger might have some private business with his friend quitted the
apartment on pretence of taking a turn and meeting Pipes at the door desired
his company to the Bear by which name the open space is distinguished where
during a course of perambulation these two companions held a council upon
Pickle in consequence of which it was determined since he obstinately
persisted to refuse their assistance that they should take lodgings in his
neighbourhood with a view of being at hand to minister unto his occasions in
spite of his false delicacy according to the emergency of his affairs
This resolution being taken they consulted the barkeeper of the
coffeehouse about lodging and she directed them to the warden to whom the
lieutenant in his great wisdom represented himself as a kinsman to Peregrine
who rather than leave that young gentleman by himself to the unavoidable
discomforts of a prison was inclined to keep him company till such time as
his affairs could be put in order This measure he the more anxiously desired to
take because the prisoner was sometimes subject to a disordered imagination
upon which occasion he stood in need of extraordinary attendance and therefore
he the lieutenant intreated the warden to accommodate him with a lodging for
himself and his servant for which he was ready to make any reasonable
acknowledgment The warden who was a sensible and humane man could not help
applauding his resolution and several rooms being at that time unoccupied he
put him immediately in possession of a couple which were forthwith prepared for
his reception
This affair being settled to his satisfaction he dispatched Pipes for his
portmanteau and returning to the coffeehouse found Peregrine with whom he
spent the remaining part of the evening Our hero taking it for granted that he
proposed to set out for the garison next day wrote a memorandum of some books
which he had left in that habitation and which he now desired Jack to send up
to town by the waggon directed for Mr Crabtree and cautioned him against
giving the least hint of his misfortune in the neighbourhood that it might
remain as long as possible concealed from the knowledge of his sister who
he knew would afflict herself immoderately at the news nor reach the ears of
the rest of his family who would exult and triumph over his distress
Hatchway listened to his injunctions with great attention and promised to
demean himself accordingly then the discourse shifted to an agreeable
recapitulation of the merry scenes they had formerly acted together and the
evening being pretty far advanced Peregrine with seeming reluctance told him
that the gates of the Fleet would in a few minutes be shut for the night and
that there was an absolute necessity for his withdrawing to his lodging Jack
replied that he could not think of parting with him so soon after such a long
separation and that he was determined to stay with him an hour or two longer
if he should be obliged to take up his lodging in the streets Pickle rather
than disoblige his guest indulged him in his desire and resolved to give him a
share of his own bed A pair of chickens and sparagus were bespoken for supper
at which Pipes attended with an air of internal satisfaction and the bottle was
bandied about in a jovial manner till midnight when the lieutenant rose up to
take his leave observing that being fatigued with riding he was inclined to
turnin Pipes upon this intimation produced a lanthorn ready lighted and
Jack shaking his entertainer by the hand wished him goodnight and promised
to visit him again betimes in the morning
Peregrine imagining that this behaviour proceeded from the wine which he
had plentifully drank told him that if he was disposed to sleep his bed was
ready prepared in the room and ordered his attendant to undress his master
upon which Mr Hatchway gave him to understand that he had no occasion to
incommode his friend having already provided a lodging for himself and the
young gentleman demanding an explanation he frankly owned what he had done
saying »You gave me such a dismal account of the place that I could not think
of leaving you in it without company« Our young gentleman who was naturally
impatient of benefits and foresaw that this uncommon instance of Hatchways
friendship would encroach upon the plan which he had formed for his own
subsistence by engrossing his time and attention so as that he should not be
able to prosecute his labours closeted the lieutenant next day and
demonstrated to him the folly and ill consequences of the step he had taken He
observed that the world in general would look upon it as the effect of mere
madness and if his relations were so disposed they might make it the
foundation of a statute of lunacy against him that his absence from the garison
must be a very great detriment to his private affairs and lastly that his
presence in the Fleet would be a very great hindrance to Pickle himself whose
hope of regaining his liberty altogether depended upon his being detached from
all company and interruption
To these remonstrances Jack replied that as to the opinion of the world
it was no more to him than a rotten netline and if his relations had a mind to
have his upper works condemned he did not doubt but he should be able to stand
the survey without being declared unfit for service that he had no affairs at
the garison but such as would keep cold and with regard to Pickles being
interrupted by his presence he gave him his word that he would never come
alongside of him except when he should give him the signal for holding
discourse In conclusion he signified his resolution to stay where he was at
all events without making himself accountable to any person whatsoever
Peregrine seeing him determined desisted from any further importunity
resolving however to tire him out of his plan by reserve and supercilious
neglect for he could not bear the thought of being so notoriously obliged by
any person upon earth With this view he quitted the lieutenant upon some
slight pretence after having told him that he could not have the pleasure of
his company at dinner because he was engaged with a particular club of his
fellowprisoners
Jack was a stranger to the punctilios of behaviour and therefore did not
take this declaration amiss but had immediate recourse to the advice of his
counsellor Mr Pipes who proposed that he should go to the coffeehouse and
kitchen and give the people to understand that he would pay for all such liquor
and provisions as Mr Pickle should order to be sent to his own lodging This
expedient was immediately practised and as there was no credit in the place
Hatchway deposited a sum of money by way of security to the cook and the
vintner intimating that there was a necessity for taking that method of
befriending his cousin Peregrine who was subject to strange whims that
rendered it impossible to serve him any other way
In consequence of these insinuations it was that same day rumoured about
the Fleet that Mr Pickle was an unhappy gentleman disordered in his
understanding and that the lieutenant was his near relation who had subjected
himself to the inconvenience of living in a jail with the sole view of keeping
a strict eye over his conduct This report however did not reach the ears of
our hero till next day when he sent one of the runners of the Fleet who
attended him to bespeak and pay for a couple of pullets and something else
for dinner to which he had already invited his friend Hatchway in hope of
being able to persuade him to retire into the country after he had undergone a
whole days mortification in the place The messenger returned with an
assurance that the dinner should be made ready according to his directions and
restored the money observing that his kinsman had paid for what was bespoke
Peregrine was equally surprized and disgusted at this information and
resolved to chide the lieutenant severely for his unseasonable treat which he
considered as a thing repugnant to his reputation Mean while he dispatched his
attendant for wine to the coffeehouse and finding his credit bolstered up in
that place by the same means was enraged at the presumption of Jacks
friendship and questioned the valet about it with such manifestation of
displeasure that the fellow afraid of disobliging such a good master frankly
communicated the story which was circulated at his expence The young gentleman
was so much incensed at this piece of intelligence that he wrote a bitter
expostulation to the lieutenant wherein he not only retracted his invitation
but declared that he would never converse with him while he should remain
within the place
Having thus obeyed the dictates of his anger he gave notice to the cook
that he should not have occasion for what was ordered and repairing to the
coffeehouse told the landlord that whereas he understood the stranger with
the wooden leg had prepossessed him and others with ridiculous notions tending
to bring the sanity of his intellects in question and to confirm this
imputation had under the pretence of consanguinity undertaken to defray his
expences he could not help in justice to himself declaring that the lame
person was in reality the madman who had given his keepers the slip that
therefore he the landlord would not find his account in complying with his
orders and encouraging him to frequent his house and that for his own part
he would never enter the door or favour him with the least trifle of his
custom if ever he should for the future find himself anticipated in his
payments by that unhappy lunatic
The vintner was confounded at this retorted charge and after much
perplexity and deliberation concluded that both parties were distracted the
stranger in paying a mans debts against his will and Pickle in being
offended at such forwardness of friendship
Chapter CVIII
These Associates commit an Assault upon Crabtree for which they are banished
from the Fleet Peregrine begins to feel the Effects of Confinement
Our adventurer having dined at the ordinary and in the afternoon retired to his
own apartment as usual with his friend Cadwallader Hatchway and his
associate after they had been obliged to discuss the provision for which they
had paid renewed their conference upon the old subject and Pipes giving his
messmate to understand that Peregrines chief confident was the old deaf
batchelor whom he had seen at his lodging the preceding day Mr Hatchway in
his great penetration discovered that the young gentlemans obstinacy
proceeded from the advice of the Misanthrope whom for that reason it was
their business to chastise Pipes entered into this opinion the more willingly
as he had all along believed the senior to be a sort of wizzard or some
cacodæmon whom it was not very creditable to be acquainted with Indeed he
had been inspired with this notion by the insinuations of Hadgi who had
formerly dropped some hints touching Crabtrees profound knowledge in the magic
art mentioning in particular his being possessed of the philosophers stone
an assertion to which Tom had given implicit credit until his master was sent
to prison for debt when he could no longer suppose Cadwallader lord of such a
valuable secret else he would have certainly procured the enlargement of his
most intimate friend
With these sentiments he espoused the resentment of Hatchway and they
determined to seize the supposed conjurer with the first opportunity on his
return from his visit to Peregrine and without hesitation exercise upon him
the discipline of the pump This plan they would have executed that same
evening had not the Misanthrope luckily withdrawn himself by accident before
it was dark and even before they had intelligence of his retreat But next
day they kept themselves upon the watch till he appeared and Pipes lifting
his hat as Crabtree passed »O damn ye old Dunny said he you and I must
grapple by and by and agad I shall lie so near your quarter that your
earports will let in the sound thof they were double caulked with oakum«
The misanthropes ears were not quite so fast closed but that they received
this intimation which tho delivered in terms that he did not well understand
had such an effect upon his apprehension that he signified his doubts to
Peregrine observing that he did not much like the looks of that same ruffian
with the wooden leg Pickle assured him he had nothing to fear from the two
sailors who could have no cause of resentment against him or if they had
would not venture to take any step which they knew must block up all the
avenues to that reconcilement about which they were so anxious and moreover
give such offence to the governor of the place as would infallibly induce him
to expel them both from his territories
Notwithstanding this assurance the young gentleman was not so confident of
the lieutenants discretion as to believe that Crabtrees fears were altogether
without foundation he forthwith conjectured that Jack had taken umbrage at an
intimacy from which he found himself excluded and imputed his disgrace to the
insinuations of Cadwallader whom in all likelihood he intended to punish for
his supposed advice He knew his friend could sustain no great damage from the
lieutenants resentment in a place which he could immediately alarm with his
cries and therefore wished he might fall into the snare because it would
furnish him with a pretence of complaint in consequence of which the sailors
would be obliged to shift their quarters so as that he should be rid of their
company in which he at present could find no enjoyment
Every thing happened as he had foreseen the Misanthrope in his retreat
from Peregrines chamber was assaulted by Hatchway and his associate who
seized him by the collar without ceremony and began to drag him towards the
pump at which they would have certainly complimented him with a very
disagreeable bath had not he exalted his voice in such a manner as in a moment
brought a number of the inhabitants and Pickle himself to his aid The
assailants would have persisted in their design had the opposition been such
as they could have faced with any possibility of success nor did they quit
their prey before a dozen at least had come to his rescue and Peregrine
with a menacing aspect and air of authority commanded his old valet to
withdraw then they thought proper to sheer off and betake themselves to close
quarters while our hero accompanied the affrighted Cadwallader to the gate and
exhibited to the warden a formal complaint against the rioters upon whom he
retorted the charge of lunacy which was supported by the evidence of twenty
persons who had been eyewitnesses of the outrage committed against the old
gentleman
The governor in consequence of this information sent a message to Mr
Hatchway warning him to move his lodging next day on pain of being expelled
and the lieutenant contumaciously refusing to comply with this intimation was
in the morning while he amused himself in walking upon the bear suddenly
surrounded by the constables of the court who took him and his adherent
prisoners before they were aware and delivered them into the hands of the
turnkeys by whom they were immediately dismissed and their baggage conveyed to
the side of the ditch
This expulsion was not performed without an obstinate opposition on the part
of the delinquents who had they not been surprized would have set the whole
Fleet at defiance and in all probability acted divers tragedies before they
could have been overpowered Things being circumstanced as they were the
lieutenant did not part with his conductor without tweaking his nose by way of
farewel and Pipes in imitation of such a laudable example communicated a
token of remembrance in an application to the sole eye of his attendant who
scorning to be outdone in this kind of courtesy returned the compliment with
such good will that Toms organ performed the office of a multiplying glass
These were mutual hints for stripping and accordingly each was naked from the
waist upwards in a trice A ring of butchers from the market was immediately
formed a couple of the reverend Flamens who in morninggowns ply for
marriages in that quarter of the town constituted themselves seconds and
umpires of the approaching contest and the battle began without further
preparation The combatants were in point of strength and agility pretty
equally matched but the jailor had been regularly trained to the art of
bruising he had more than once signalized himself in public for his prowess
and skill in this exercise and lost one eye upon the stage in the course of
his exploits This was a misfortune of which Pipes did not fail to take the
advantage he had already sustained several hard knocks upon his temples and
jaws and found it impracticable to smite his antagonist upon the
victuallingoffice so dexterously was it defended against assault upon which
he changed his battery and being ambidexter raised such a clatter upon the
turnkeys blind side that this hero believing him lefthanded converted his
attention that way and opposed the unenlightened side of his face to the
righthand of Pipes which being thus unprovided against slily bestowed upon
him a peg under the fifth rib that in an instant laid him senseless on the
pavement at the feet of his conqueror who was congratulated upon his victory
not only by his friend Hatchway but also by all the bystanders particularly
the priest who had espoused his cause and now invited the strangers to his
lodging in a neighbouring alehouse where they were entertained so much to their
liking that they determined to seek no other habitation while they should
continue in town and notwithstanding the disgrace and discouragement they had
met with in their endeavours to serve our adventurer they were still resolved
to persevere in their good offices or in the vulgar phrase to see him out
While they settled themselves in this manner and acquired familiar
connexions round all the purlieus of the ditch Peregrine found himself deprived
of the company of Cadwallader who signified by letter that he did not chuse to
hazard his person again in visiting him while such assassins occupied the
avenues through which he must pass for he had been at pains to inquire into the
motions of the seamen and informed himself exactly of the harbour in which they
were moored
Our hero had been so much accustomed to the conversation of Crabtree which
was altogether suitable to the singularity of his own disposition that he could
very ill afford to be debarred of it at this juncture when almost every other
source of enjoyment was stopped He was however obliged to submit to the
hardships of his situation and as the characters of his fellowprisoners did
not at all improve upon him he was compelled to seek for satisfaction within
himself Not but that he had an opportunity of conversing with some people who
neither wanted sense nor were deficient in point of principle yet there
appeared in the behaviour of them all without exception a certain want of
decorum a squalor of sentiment a sort of jailish cast contracted in the course
of confinement which disgusted the delicacy of our heros observation He
therefore detached himself from their parties as much as he could without
giving offence to those among whom he was obliged to live and resumed his
labours with incredible eagerness and perseverance his spirits being supported
by the success of some severe Philippics which he occasionally published
against the author of his misfortune
Nor was his humanity unemployed in the vacations of his revenge a man must
be void of all sympathy and compassion who can reside among so many miserable
objects without feeling an inclination to relieve their distress Every day
almost presented to his view such lamentable scenes as were most likely to
attract his notice and engage his benevolence Reverses of fortune attended
with the most deplorable circumstances of domestic woe were continually
intruding upon his acquaintance his ears were invaded with the cries of the
hapless wife who from the enjoyment of affluence and pleasure was forced to
follow her husband to this abode of wretchedness and want his eyes were every
minute assailed with the naked and meagre appearances of hunger and cold and
his fancy teemed with a thousand aggravations of their misery
Thus situated his purse was never shut while his heart remained open
Without reflecting upon the slenderness of his store he exercised his charity
to all the children of distress and acquired a popularity which though
pleasing was far from being profitable In short his bounty kept no pace with
his circumstances and in a little time he was utterly exhausted He had
recourse to his bookseller from whom with great difficulty be obtained a
small reinforcement and immediately relapsed into the same want of retention
He was conscious of his infirmity and found it incurable he foresaw that by
his own industry he should never be able to defray the expence of these
occasions and this reflection sunk deep into his mind the approbation of the
public which he had earned or might acquire like a cordial often repeated
began to lose its effect upon his imagination his health suffered by his
sedentary life and austere application his eyesight failed his appetite
forsook him his spirits decayed so that he became melancholy listless and
altogether incapable of prosecuting the only means he had left for his
subsistence and what did not at all contribute to the alleviation of these
particulars he was given to understand by his lawyer that he had lost his
cause and was condemned in costs Even this was not the most mortifying piece
of intelligence he received he at the same time learnd that his bookseller
was bankrupt and his friend Crabtree at the point of death
These were comfortable considerations to a youth of Peregrines disposition
which was so capricious that the more his misery increased the more haughty
and inflexible he became Rather than be beholden to Hatchway who still hovered
about the gate eager for an opportunity to assist him he chose to undergo the
want of almost every convenience of life and actually pledged his
wearingapparel to an Irish pawnbroker in the Fleet for money to purchase those
things without which he must have absolutely perished He was gradually
irritated by his misfortunes into a rancorous resentment against mankind in
general and his heart so alienated from the enjoyments of life that he did not
care how soon he quitted his miserable existence Though he had shocking
examples of the vicissitudes of fortune continually before his eyes he could
never be reconciled to the idea of living like his fellowsufferers in the most
abject degree of dependance If he refused to accept of favours from his own
allies and intimate friends whom he had formerly obliged it is not to be
supposed that he would listen to proposals of that kind from any of his
fellowprisoners with whom he had contracted acquaintance he was even more
cautious than ever of incurring obligations he now shunned his former
messmates in order to avoid disagreeable tenders of friendship and imagining
that he perceived an inclination in the clergyman to learn the state of his
finances he discouraged and declined the explanation and at length secluded
himself from all society
Chapter CIX
He receives an unexpected Visit and the Clouds of Misfortune begin to separate
While he pined in this forlorn condition with an equal abhorrence of the world
and himself captain Gauntlet arrived in town in order to employ his interest
for promotion in the army and in consequence of his wifes particular desire
made it his business to inquire for Peregrine to whom he longed to be
reconciled even at the expence of a slight submission But he could hear no
tidings of him at the place to which he was directed and on the supposition
that our hero had gone to reside in the country applied himself to his own
business with intention to renew his enquiries after that affair should be
transacted He communicated his demands to his supposed patron who had assumed
the merit of making him a captain and been gratified with a valuable present on
that consideration and was cajoled with hopes of succeeding in his present aim
by the same interest
Mean while he became acquainted with one of the clerks belonging to the
waroffice whose advice and assistance he was told would be a furtherance to
his scheme and as he had occasion to discourse with this gentleman upon the
circumstances of his expectation he learned that the nobleman upon whom he
depended was a person of no consequence in the state and altogether incapable
of assisting him in his advancement At the same time his counsellor expressed
his surprize that captain Gauntlet did not rather interest in his cause the
noble peer to whose good offices he owed his last commission
This remark introduced an explanation by which Godfrey discovered to his
infinite astonishment the mistake in which he had continued so long with
regard to his patron tho he could not divine the motive which induced a
nobleman with whom he had no acquaintance or connection to interpose his
influence in his behalf Whatsoever that might be he thought it was his duty to
make his acknowledgment and for that purpose went next morning to his house
where he was politely received and given to understand that Mr Pickle was the
person to whose friendship he was indebted for his last promotion
Inexpressible were the transports of gratitude affection and remorse that
took possession of the soul of Gauntlet when this mystery was unfolded »Good
heaven cried he lifting up his hands have I lived so long in a state of
animosity with my benefactor I intended to have reconciled myself to him at
any rate before I was sensible of this obligation but now I shall not enjoy a
moments quiet until I have an opportunity of expressing to him my sense of his
heroic friendship I presume from the nature of the favour conferred upon him
in my behalf that Mr Pickle is well known to your lordship and I should think
myself extremely happy if you could inform me in what part of the country he is
to be found for the person with whom he lodged some time ago could give me no
intelligence of his motions«
The nobleman touched with this instance of generous selfdenial in
Peregrine as well as with the sensibility of his friend lamented the
unhappiness of our hero while he gave Gauntlet to understand that he had been
long disordered in his intellects in consequence of having squandered away his
fortune and that his creditors had thrown him into the Fleetprison but
whether he still continued in that confinement or was released from his
misfortunes by death his lordship did not know because he had never enquired
Godfrey no sooner received this intimation than his blood boiling with
grief and impatience he craved pardon for his abrupt departure and quitting
his informer on the instant reimbarked in his hackneycoach and ordered
himself to be conveyed directly to the Fleet As the vehicle proceeded along one
side of the market he was surprised with the appearance of Hatchway and Pipes
who stood cheapening collyflowers at a greenstall their heads being cased in
worsted nightcaps half covered with their hats and a short tobaccopipe in the
mouth of each He was rejoiced at sight of the two seamen which he took for an
happy omen of finding his friend and ordering the coachman to stop the
carriage called to the lieutenant by his name Jack replying with an Hilloah
looked behind him and recognizing the face of his old acquaintance ran up to
the coach with great eagerness and shaking the captain heartily by the hand
»Odds heart said he Im glad thou hast fallen in with us we shall now be
able to find the trim of the vessel and lay her about on the other tack For my
own part I have had many a consort in my time that is in the way of
goodfellowship and I always made shift to ware em at one time or another but
this headstrong toad will neither obey the helm nor the sheet and for aught I
know will founder where he lies at anchor«
Gauntlet who conceived part of his meaning alighted immediately and being
conducted to the sailors lodging was informed of every thing that had passed
between the lieutenant and Pickle He in his turn communicated to Jack the
discovery which he had made with regard to his commission at which the other
gave no signs of surprize but taking the pipe from his mouth »Why look ye
captain said he thats not the only good turn you have owed him That same
money you received from the commodore as an old debt was all a sham contrived
by Pickle for your service but a wool drive under his bare poles without
sails and rigging or a mess of provision on board rather than take the same
assistance from another man«
Godfrey was not only amazed but chagrined at the knowledge of this
anecdote which gave umbrage to his pride while it stimulated his desire of
doing something in return for the obligation He enquired into the present
circumstances of the prisoner and understanding that he was indisposed and but
indifferently provided with the common necessaries of life tho still deaf to
all offers of assistance began to be extremely concerned at the account of his
savage obstinacy and pride which would he feared exclude him from the
privilege of relieving him in his distress However he resolved to leave no
expedient untried that might have any tendency to surmount such destructive
prejudice and entering the jail was directed to the apartment of the wretched
prisoner He knocked softly at the door and when it was opened started back
with horror and astonishment the figure that presented itself to his view was
the remains of his once happy friend but so miserably altered and disguised
that his features were scarce cognizable The florid the sprightly the gay
the elevated youth was now metamorphosed into a wan dejected meagre squalid
spectre the holloweyed representative of distemper indigence and despair yet
his eyes retained a certain ferocity which threw a dismal gleam athwart the
cloudiness of his aspect and he in silence viewed his old companion with a
look betokening confusion and disdain As for Gauntlet he could not without
emotion behold such a woful reverse of fate in a person for whom he
entertained the noblest sentiments of friendship gratitude and esteem his
sorrow was at first too big for utterance and he shed a flood of tears before
he could pronounce one word
Peregrine in spite of his misanthropy could not help being affected with
this uncommon testimony of regard but he strove to stifle his sensations his
brows contracted themselves into a severer frown his eyes kindled into the
appearance of live coals he waved with his hand in signal for Godfrey to be
gone and leave such a wretch as him to the miseries of his fate and finding
nature too strong to be suppressed uttered a deep groan and wept aloud
The soldier seeing him thus melted unable to restrain the strong impulse
of his affection sprung forwards and clasping him in his arms »My dearest
friend and best benefactor said he I am come hither to humble myself for the
offence I was so unhappy as to give at our last parting to beg a
reconciliation to thank you for the ease and affluence I have enjoyed through
your means and to rescue you in spite of yourself from this melancholy
situation of which but an hour ago I was utterly ignorant Do not deny me the
satisfaction of acquitting myself in point of duty and obligation You must
certainly have had some regard for a person in whose favour you have exerted
yourself so much and if any part of that esteem remains you will not refuse
him an opportunity of approving himself in some measure worthy of it Let me
not suffer the most mortifying of all repulses that of slighted friendship but
kindly sacrifice your resentment and inflexibility to the request of one who is
at all times ready to sacrifice his life for your honour and advantage If you
will not yield to my intreaties have some regard to the wishes of my Sophy who
laid me under the strongest injunctions to solicit your forgiveness even before
she knew how much I was indebted to your generosity or if that consideration
should be of no weight I hope you will relax a little for the sake of poor
Emilia whose resentment hath been long subdued by her affection and who now
droops in secret at your neglect«
Every word of this address delivered in the most pathetic manner made an
impression upon the mind of Peregrine he was affected with the submission of
his friend who in reality had given him no just cause to complain He knew
that no ordinary motive had swayed him to a condescension so extraordinary in a
man of his punctilious temper he considered it therefore as the genuine
effect of eager gratitude and disinterested love and his heart began to relent
accordingly When he heard himself conjured in the name of the gentle Sophy his
obstinacy was quite overcome and when Emilia was recalled to his remembrance
his whole frame underwent a violent agitation He took his friend by the hand
with a softened look and soon as he recovered the faculty of speech which had
been overpowered in the conflict of passions that transported him protested
that he retained no vestige of animosity but considered him in the light of an
affectionate comrade the ties of whose friendship adversity could not unbind
He mentioned Sophy in the most respectful terms spoke of Emilia with the most
reverential awe as the object of his inviolable love and veneration but
disclaimed all hope of ever more attracting her regard and excused himself from
profiting by Godfreys kind intention declaring with a resolute air that he
had broke off all connection with mankind and that he impatiently longed for
the hour of his dissolution which if it should not soon arrive by the course
of nature he was resolved to hasten with his own hands rather than be exposed
to the contempt and more intolerable pity of a rascally world
Gauntlet argued against this frantic determination with all the vehemence of
expostulating friendship but his remonstrances did not produce the desired
effect upon our desperate hero who calmly refuted all his arguments and
asserted the rectitude of his design from the pretended maxims of reason and
true philosophy
While this dispute was carried on with eagerness on one side and
deliberation on the other a letter was brought to Peregrine who threw it
carelessly aside unopened tho the superscription was in an handwriting to
which he was a stranger and in all probability the contents would never have
been perused had not Gauntlet insisted upon his waving all ceremony and
reading it forthwith Thus solicited Pickle unsealed the billet which to his
no small surprize contained the following intimation
Mr P Pickle
Sir
This comes to inform you that after many dangers and
disappointments I am by the blessing of God safely arrived in the
Downs on board of the Gomberoon Indiaman having made a tolerable
voyage by which I hope I shall be enabled to repay with interest the
seven hundred pounds which I borrowed of you before my departure from
England I take this opportunity of writing by our purser who goes
express with dispatches for the company that you may have this
satisfactory notice as soon as possible relating to one whom I suppose
you have long given over as lost I have inclosed it in a letter to my
broker who I hope knows your address and will for ward it
accordingly and I am with respect Sir
Your most humble servant
BENJAMIN CHINTZ
He had no sooner taken a cursory view of this agreeable epistle than his
countenance cleared up and reaching it to his friend with a smile »There
said he is a more convincing argument on your side of the question than all
the casuists in the universe can advance« Gauntlet wondering at this
observation took the paper and casting his eyes greedily upon the contents
congratulated him upon the receit of it with extravagant demonstrations of joy
»Not on account of the sum said he which upon my honour I would with
pleasure pay three times over for your convenience and satisfaction but
because it seems to have reconciled you to life and disposed your mind for
reenjoying the comforts of society«
The instantaneous effect which this unexpected smile of fortune produced in
the appearance of our adventurer is altogether inconceivable it plumped up his
cheeks in a moment unbended and enlightened every feature of his face elevated
his head which had begun to sink as it were between his shoulders and from a
squeaking dispirited tone swelled up his voice to a clear manly accent
Godfrey taking advantage of this favourable change began to regale him with
prospects of future success he reminded him of his youth and qualifications
which were certainly designed for better days than those he had as yet seen he
pointed out various paths by which he might arrive at wealth and reputation he
importuned him to accept of a sum for his immediate occasions and earnestly
begged that he would allow him to discharge the debt for which he was confined
observing that Sophys fortune had enabled him to exhibit that proof of his
gratitude without any detriment to his affairs and protesting that he should
not believe himself in possession of Mr Pickles esteem unless he was
permitted to make some such return of goodwill to the man who had not only
raised him from indigence and scorn to competence and reputable rank but also
impowered him to obtain the possession of an excellent woman who had filled up
the measure of his felicity
Peregrine declared himself already overpaid for all his good offices by the
pleasure he enjoyed in employing them and the happy effects they had produced
in the mutual satisfaction of two persons so dear to his affection and assured
his friend that one time or other he would set his conscience at ease and
remove the scruples of his honour by having recourse to his assistance but at
present he could not make use of his friendship without giving just cause of
offence to honest Hatchway who was prior to him in point of solicitation and
had manifested his attachment with surprising obstinacy and perseverance
Chapter CX
Peregrine reconciles himself to the Lieutenant and renews his Connection with
Society Divers Plans are projected in his Behalf and he has Occasion to
exhibit a remarkable Proof of Selfdenial
The captain with reluctance yielded the preference in this particular to Jack
who was immediately invited to a conference by a note subscribed with Pickles
own hand He was found at the prisongate waiting for Gauntlet to know the
issue of his negotiation and no sooner received this summons than he set all
his sails and made the best of his way to his friends apartment being
admitted by the turnkey in consequence of Peregrines request communicated by
the messenger who carried the billet Pipes followed close in the wake of his
shipmate and in a few minutes after the note had been dispatched Peregrine
and Gauntlet heard the sound of the stump ascending the wooden staircase with
such velocity that they at first mistook it for the application of drumsticks
to the head of an empty barrel This uncommon speed however was attended with
a misfortune he chanced to overlook a small defect in one of the steps and
his prop plunging into a hole he fell backwards to the imminent danger of his
life Tom was luckily at his back and sustained him in his arms so as that he
escaped without any other damage than the loss of his wooden leg which was
snapt in the middle by the weight of his body in falling and such was his
impatience that he would not give himself the trouble to disengage the
fractured member but unbuckling the whole equipage in a trice left it sticking
in the crevice saying a rotten cable was not worth heaving up and in this
natural state of mutilation hoppd into the room with infinite expedition
Peregrine taking him cordially by the hand seated him upon one side of his
bed and after having made an apology for that reserve of which he had so
justly complained asked if he could conveniently accommodate him with the loan
of twenty guineas The lieutenant without opening his mouth pulled out his
purse and Pipes who overheard the demand applying the whistle to his lips
performed a loud overture in token of his joy Matters being thus brought to an
accommodation our hero told the captain that he should be glad of his company
at dinner with their common friend Hatchway if he would in the mean time leave
him to the ministry of Pipes and the soldier went away for the present in
order to pay a short visit to his uncle who at that time languished in a
declining state of health promising to return at the appointed hour
The lieutenant having surveyd the dismal appearance of his friend could
not help being moved at the spectacle and began to upbraid him with his
obstinate pride which he swore was no better than selfmurder But the young
gentleman interrupted him in the course of his moralizing by telling him he had
reasons for his conduct which perhaps he should impart in due season but at
present his design was to alter that plan of behaviour and make himself some
amends for the misery he had undergone He accordingly sent Pipes to redeem his
cloaths from the pawnbrokers wardrobe and bespeak something comfortable for
dinner And when Godfrey came back he was very agreeably surprised to see such
a favourable alteration in his externals for by the assistance of his valet
he had purified himself from the dregs of his distress and now appeared in a
decent suit with clean linnen while his face was disencumbered of the hair
that overshadowed it and his apartment prepared for the reception of company
They enjoyed their meal with great satisfaction entertaining one another
with a recapitulation of their former adventures at the garison and in the
afternoon Gauntlet taking his leave in order to write a letter to his sister
at the desire of his uncle who finding his end approaching wanted to see her
without loss of time Peregrine made his appearance on the bear and was
complimented on his coming abroad again not only by his old messmates who had
not seen him for many weeks but by a number of those objects whom his
liberality had fed before his funds were exhausted Hatchway was by his
interest with the warden put in possession of his former quarters and Pipes
dispatched to make inquiry about Crabtree at his former lodging where he
learnd that the Misanthrope after a very severe fit of illness was removed
to Kensington Gravelpits for the convenience of breathing a purer air than
that of London
In consequence of this information Peregrine who knew the narrowness of
the old gentlemans fortune next day desired his friend Gauntlet to take the
trouble of visiting him in his name with a letter in which he expressed great
concern for his indisposition gave him notice of the fortunate intelligence he
had received from the Downs and conjured him to make use of his purse if he
was in the least hampered in his circumstances The captain took coach
immediately and set out for the place according to the direction which Pipes
had procured
Cadwallader having seen him at Bath knew him again at first sight and
though reduced to a skeleton believed himself in such a fair way of doing well
that he would have accompanied him to the Fleet immediately had not he been
restrained by his nurse who had been by his physician invested with full
authority to dispute and oppose his will in every thing that she should think
prejudicial to his health for he was considered by those who had the care of
him as an old humourist not a little distempered in his brain He inquired
particularly about the sailors who he said had deterred him from carrying on
his usual correspondence with Pickle and been the immediate cause of his
indisposition by terrifying him into a fever and understanding that the breach
between Pickle and Hatchway was happily cemented and that he was no longer in
any danger from the lieutenants resentment he promised to be at the Fleet with
the first convenient opportunity and in the mean time wrote an answer to
Peregrines letter importing that he was obliged to him for his offer but had
not the least occasion for his assistance
In a few days our adventurer recovered his vigour complexion and vivacity
he mingled again in the diversions and parties of the place he received in a
little time the money he had lent upon bottomry which together with the
interest amounted to upwards of eleven hundred pounds The possession of this
sum while it buoyed up his spirits involved him in perplexity Sometimes he
thought it was incumbent upon him as a man of honour to employ the greatest
part of it in diminishing the debt for which he suffered on the other hand he
considered that obligation effaced by the treacherous behaviour of his
creditor who had injured him to ten times the value of the sum and in these
sentiments entertained thoughts of attempting his escape from prison with a
view of conveying himself with the shipwreck of his fortune to another
country in which he might use it to better advantage
Both suggestions were attended with such doubts and difficulties that he
hesitated between them and for the present laid out a thousand pounds in
stock the interest of which together with the fruits of his own industry he
hoped would support him above want in his confinement until something should
occur that would point out the expediency of some other determination Gauntlet
still insisted upon having the honour of obtaining his liberty at the expence
of taking up his notes to Gleanum and exhorted him to purchase a commission
with part of the money which he had retrieved The lieutenant affirmed that it
was his privilege to procure the release of his cousin Pickle because he
enjoyed a very handsome sum by his aunt which of right belonged to the young
gentleman to whom he was moreover indebted for the use of his furniture and
for the very house that stood over his head and that although he had already
made a will in his favour he should never be satisfied nor easy in his mind
so long as he remained deprived of his liberty and wanted any of the
conveniences of life
Cadwallader who by this time assisted at their councils and was best
acquainted with the peculiarity and unbending disposition of the youth
proposed that seeing he was so averse to obligations Mr Hatchway should
purchase of him the garison with its appendages which at a moderate price
would sell for more money than would be sufficient to discharge his debts and
that if the servile subordination of the army did not suit his inclinations he
might with his reversion buy a comfortable annuity and retire with him to the
country where he might live absolutely independent and entertain himself as
usual with the ridiculous characters of mankind
This plan was to Pickle less disagreeable than any other project which had
as yet been suggested and the lieutenant declared himself ready to execute his
part of it without delay but the soldier was mortified at the thoughts of
seeing his assistance unnecessary and eagerly objected to the retirement as a
scheme that would blast the fairest promises of fame and fortune and bury his
youth and talents in solitude and obscurity This earnest opposition on the part
of Gauntlet hindered our adventurer from forming any immediate resolution
which was also retarded by his unwillingness to part with the garrison upon any
terms because he looked upon it as a part of his inheritance which he could
not dispose of without committing an insult upon the memory of the deceased
commodore
Chapter CXI
He is engaged in a very extraordinary Correspondence which is interrupted by a
very unexpected Event
While this affair was in agitation the captain told him in the course of
conversation that Emilia was arrived in town and had enquired about Mr Pickle
with such an eagerness of concern as seemed to proclaim that she was in some
measure informed of his misfortune he therefore desired to know if he might
be allowed to make her acquainted with his situation provided he should be
again importuned by her on that subject which he had at first industriously
waved
This proof or rather presumption of her sympathising regard did not fail
to operate powerfully upon the bosom of Peregrine which was immediately filled
with those tumults which love ill stifled frequently excites He observed
that his disgrace was such as could not be effectually concealed therefore he
saw no reason for depriving himself of Emilias compassion since he was for
ever excluded from her affection and desired Godfrey to present to his sister
the lowly respects of a despairing lover
But notwithstanding his declaration of despondence on this head his
imagination involuntarily teemed with more agreeable ideas the proposal of
Crabtree had taken root in his reflection and he could not help forming plans
of pastoral felicity in the arms of the lovely Emilia remote from those
pompous scenes which he now detested and despised He amused his fancy with the
prospect of being able to support her in a state of independency by means of
the slender annuity which it was in his power to purchase together with the
fruits of those endeavours which would profitably employ his vacant hours and
foresaw provision for his growing family in the friendship of the lieutenant
who had already constituted him his heir He even parcelled out his hours among
the necessary cares of the world the pleasures of domestic bliss and the
enjoyments of a country life and spent the night in ideal parties with his
charming bride sometimes walking by the sedgy bank of some transparent stream
sometimes pruning the luxuriant vine and sometimes sitting in social converse
with her in a shady grove of his own planting
These however were no more than the shadowy phantoms of imagination
which he well knew would never be realized not that he believed such
happiness unattainable by a person in his circumstances but because he would
not stoop to propose a scheme which might in any shape seem to interfere with
the interest of Emilia or subject himself to a repulse from that young lady
who had rejected his addresses in the zenith of his fortune
While he diverted himself with these agreeable reveries an unexpected event
intervened in which she and her brother were deeply interested The uncle was
tapped for the dropsy and died in a few days after the operation having
bequeathed in his will five thousand pounds to his nephew and twice that sum
to his niece who had always enjoyed the greatest share of his favour
If our adventurer before this occurrence looked upon his love for Emilia
as a passion which it was necessary at any rate to conquer or suppress he now
considered her accession of fortune as a circumstance which confirmed that
necessity and resolved to discourage every thought on that subject which
should tend to the propagation of hope when one day in the midst of a
conversation calculated for the purpose Godfrey put into his hand a letter
directed to Mr Pickle in the handwriting of Emilia which the youth no sooner
recognized than his cheeks were covered with a crimson dye and he began to
tremble with violent agitation for he at once guessed the import of the
billet which he kissed with great reverence and devotion and was not at all
surprised when he read the following words
Sir
I have performed a sufficient sacrifice to my reputation in
retaining hitherto the appearance of that resentment which I had long
ago dismissed and as the late favourable change in my situation
impowers me to avow my genuine sentiments without fear of censure or
suspicion of mercenary design I take this opportunity to assure you
that if I still maintain that place in your heart which I was vain
enough to think I once possessed I am willing to make the first
advances to an accommodation and have actually furnished my brother
with full powers to conclude it in the name of your appeased
EMILIA
Pickle having kissed the subscription with great ardour fell upon his knees
and lifting up his eyes »Thank heaven cried he with an air of transport I
have not been mistaken in my opinion of that generous maid I believed her
inspired with the most dignified and heroic sentiments and now she gives me a
convincing proof of her magnanimity it is now my business to approve myself
worthy of her regard May heaven inflict upon me the keenest arrows of its
vengeance if I do not at this instant contemplate the character of Emilia
with the most perfect love and adoration yet amiable and inchanting as she is
I am more than ever determined to sacrifice the interest of my passion to my
glory tho my life should fail in the contest and even to refuse an offer
which otherwise the whole universe should not bribe me to forego«
This declaration was not so unexpected as unwelcome to his friend Gauntlet
who represented that his glory was not at all interested in the affair because
he had already vindicated his generosity in repeated proffers to lay his whole
fortune at Emilias feet when it was impossible that any thing selfish could
enter into the proposal but that in rejecting her present purpose he would
give the world an opportunity to say that his pride was capricious his
obstinacy invincible and his sister undeniable reason to believe that either
his passion for her was dissembled or the ardour of it considerably abated
In answer to these remonstrances Pickle observed that he had long set the
world at defiance and as to the opinion of Emilia he did not doubt that she
would applaud in her heart the resolution he had taken and do justice to the
purity of his intention
It was not an easy task to divert our hero from his designs at any time of
life but since his confinement his inflexibility was become almost
insurmountable The captain therefore after having discharged his conscience
in assuring him that his sisters happiness was at stake that his mother had
approved of the step she had taken and that he himself should be extremely
mortified at his refusal forbore to press him with further argument which
served only to rivet him the more strongly in his own opinion and undertook to
deliver this answer to Emilias letter
Madam
That I revere the dignity of your virtue with the utmost veneration
and love you infinitely more than life I am at all times ready to
demonstrate but the sacrifice to honour it is now my turn to pay and
such is the rigour of my destiny that in order to justify your
generosity I must refuse to profit by your condescension Madam I am
doomed to be for ever wretched and to sigh without ceasing for the
possession of that jewel which tho now in my offer I dare not enjoy
I shall not pretend to express the anguish that tears my heart whilst I
communicate this fatal renunciation but appeal to the delicacy of your
own sentiments which can judge of my sufferings and will doubtless
do justice to the selfdenial of your forlorn
P PICKLE
Emilia who knew the nicety of our heros pride had foreseen the purport of
this epistle before it came to her hands she did not therefore despair of
success nor desist from the prosecution of her plan which was no other than
that of securing her own happiness in espousing the man upon whom she had fixed
her unalterable affection Confident of his honour and fully satisfied of the
mutual passion with which they were inspired she gradually decoyed him into a
literary correspondence wherein she attempted to refute the arguments on which
he grounded his refusal and without doubt the young gentleman was not a
little pleased with the enjoyment of such delightful commerce in the course of
which he had more than ever an opportunity of admiring the poignancy of her
wit and the elegance of her understanding
The contemplation of such excellency while it strengthened the chains with
which she held him enslaved added emulation to the other motives that induced
him to maintain the dispute and much subtlety of reasoning was expended upon
both sides of this very particular question without any prospect of conviction
on either part till at last she began to despair of making him a proselyte
to her opinion by dint of argument and resolved for the future to apply
herself chiefly to the irresistible prepossessions of his love which were not
at all diminished or impaired by the essays of her pen With this view she
proposed a conference pretending that it was impossible to convey all her
reflections upon this subject in a series of short letters and Godfrey
undertook to bail him for the day but conscious of her power he would not
trust himself in her presence tho his heart throbbed with all the eagerness of
desire to see her fair eyes disrobed of that resentment which they had wore so
long and to enjoy the ravishing sweets of a fond reconciliation
Nature could not have held out against such powerful attacks had not the
pride and caprice of his disposition been gratified to the full in the triumph
of his resistance he looked upon the contest as altogether original and
persevered with obstinacy because he thought himself sure of favourable terms
whenever he should be disposed to capitulate Perhaps he might have overshot
himself in the course of his perseverance a young lady of Emilias fortune and
attractions could not fail to find herself surrounded by temptations which few
women can resist She might have misinterpreted the meaning of some paragraph
or taken umbrage at an unguarded expression in one of Peregrines letters she
might have been tired out by his obstinate peculiarity or at the long run
construed it into madness slight or indifference or rather than waste her
prime in fruitless endeavours to subdue the pride of an headstrong humorist
listen to the voice of some admirer fraught with qualifications sufficient to
engage her esteem and affection But all these possibilities were providentially
prevented by an accident attended with more important consequences than any we
have hitherto recounted
Early one morning Pipes was disturbed by the arrival of a messenger who
had been sent express from the country by Mr Clover with a packet for the
lieutenant and arrived in town overnight but as he was obliged to have
recourse to the information of Jacks correspondent in the city touching the
place of his abode before he demanded entrance at the Fleet the gate was shut
nor would the turnkeys admit him altho he told them that he was charged with
a message of the utmost consequence so that he was fain to tarry till
daybreak when he at his earnest solicitation was allowed to enter
Hatchway opening the packet found a letter inclosed for Peregrine with an
earnest request that he would forward it to the hands of that young gentleman
with all possible dispatch Jack who could not dive into the meaning of this
extraordinary injunction began to imagine that Mrs Clover lay at the point of
death and wanted to take her last farewel of her brother and this conceit
worked so strongly upon his imagination that while he huddled on his cloaths
and made the best of his way to the apartment of our hero he could not help
cursing within himself the folly of the husband in sending such disagreeable
messages to a man of Peregrines impatient temper already soured by his own
uneasy situation
This reflection would have induced him to suppress the letter had not he
been afraid to tamper with the ticklish disposition of his friend to whom
while he delivered it »As for my own part said he mayhap I may have as much
natural affection as another but when my spouse parted I bore my misfortune
like a British man and a Christian for why hes no better than a freshwater
sailor who knows not how to stem the current of mischance«
Pickle being waked from a pleasant dream in which the fair Emilia was
principally concerned and hearing this strange preamble sat up in his bed
and unsealed the letter in a state of mortification and disgust but what were
the emotions of his soul when he read the following intimation
Dear Brother
It hath pleased God to take your father suddenly off by a fit of
the apoplexy and as he has died intestate I give you this notice that
you may with all speed come down and take possession of your right in
despite of master Gam and his mother who you may be sure do not sit
easy under this unexpected dispensation of providence I have by virtue
of being a justice of the peace taken such precautions as I thought
necessary for your advantage and the funeral shall be deferred until
your pleasure be known Your sister tho sincerely afflicted with her
fathers fate submits to the will of heaven with laudable resignation
and begs you will set out for this place without delay in which request
she is joined by Sir
Your affectionate brother and
Humble servant
CHARLES CLOVER
Peregrine at first looked upon this epistle as a meer illusion of the brain
and a continuation of the reverie in which he had been engaged He read it ten
times over without being persuaded that he was actually awake he rubbed his
eyes and shook his head in order to shake off the drowsy vapours that
surrounded him he hemmd thrice with great vociferation snappd his fingers
tweakd his nose started up from his bed and opening the casement took a
survey of the wellknown objects that appeared on each side of his habitation
Every thing seemed congrous and connected and he said within himself »Sure
this is the most distinct dream that ever sleep produced« Then he had recourse
again to the paper which he carefully perused without finding any variation
from his first notion of the contents
Hatchway seeing all his extravagance of action accompanied with a wild
stare of distraction began to believe that his head was at length fairly
turned and was really meditating means for securing his person when Pickle in
a tone of surprize exclaimed »Good God am I or am I not awake« »Why look
ye cousin Pickle replied the lieutenant that is a question which the deep
sealine of my understanding is not long enough to sound but howsomever thof
I cant trust to the observation I have taken it shall go hard but I will fall
upon a way to guess whereabouts we are« So saying he lifted up a pitcher full
of cold water that stood behind the outward door and discharged it in the face
of Peregrine without ceremony or hesitation
This remedy produced the desired effect unpalatable as it was the young
gentleman no sooner recovered his breath which was endangered by such a sudden
application than he thankd his friend Jack for the seasonable operation he had
performed and having no longer any just reason to doubt the reality of what
appealed so convincingly to his senses he shifted himself on the instant not
without hurry and trepidation and putting on his morningdress sallied forth
to the bear in order to deliberate with himself on the important intelligence
he had received
Hatchway not yet fully convinced of his sanity and curious to know the
purport of the letter which had affected him in such an extraordinary manner
carefully attended his footsteps in this excursion in hope of being favoured
with his confidence in the course of their perambulation Our hero no sooner
appeared at the streetdoor than he was saluted by the messenger who having
posted himself in the way for that purpose »God bless your noble honour squire
Pickle cried he and give you joy of succeeding to your fathers estate«
These words had scarce proceeded from his mouth when the lieutenant hopping
eagerly towards the countryman squeezed his hand with great affection and
asked if the old gentleman had actually taken his departure »Ay master
Hatchway replied the other in such a woundy haste that he forgot to make a
will« »Body of me exclaimed the seaman these are the best tidings I have
heard since I first went to sea Here my lad take my purse and stow thyself
chocquefull of the best liquor in the land« So saying he tipped the peasant
with ten pieces and immediately the whole place ecchoed with the sound of Toms
instrument while Peregrine repairing to the walk communicated the billet to
his honest friend who at his desire went forthwith to the lodgings of captain
Gauntlet and returned in less than half an hour with that gentleman who I
need not say was heartily rejoiced atthe occasion
Chapter CXII
Peregrine holds a Consultation with his Friends in consequence of which he bids
adieu to the Fleet He arrives at his Fathers House and asserts his Right of
Inheritance
Nor did our hero keep the Misanthrope in ignorance of this happy turn of
fortune Pipes was dispatched to the senior with a message requesting his
immediate presence and he accordingly appeared in obedience to the summons
growling with discontent for having been deprived of several hours of his
natural rest His mouth was immediately stopped with the letter at which he
smiled a horrible ghastly grin and after a compliment of congratulation they
entered into close divan about the measures to be taken in consequence of this
event
There was no room for much debate it was unanimously agreed that Pickle
should set out with all possible dispatch for the garison to which Gauntlet
and Hatchway resolved to attend him and Pipes was accordingly ordered to
prepare a couple of postchaises while Godfrey went to procure bail for his
friend and provide them with money for the expence of the expedition but not
before he was desired by Peregrine to conceal this piece of news from his
sister that our youth might have an opportunity to surprise her in a more
interesting manner after he should have settled his affairs
All these previous steps being taken in less than an hour our hero took his
leave of the Fleet after he had left twenty guineas with the warden for the
relief of the poor prisoners a great number of whom conveyed him to the gate
pouring forth prayers for his long life and prosperity and he took the road to
the garison in the most elevated transports of joy unallayed with the least
mixture of grief at the death of a parent whose paternal tenderness he had never
known so that his breast was absolutely a stranger to that boasted Storgo or
instinct of affection by which the charities are supposed to subsist
Of all the journeys he had ever made this sure was the most delightful
he felt all the extasy that must naturally be produced in a young man of his
imagination from such a sudden transition in point of circumstance he found
himself delivered from confinement and disgrace without being obliged to any
person upon earth for his deliverance he had it now in his power to retort the
contempt of the world in a manner suited to his most sanguine wish he was
reconciled to his friend and enabled to gratify his love even upon his own
terms and saw himself in possession of a fortune more ample than his first
inheritance with a stock of experience that would steer him clear of all those
quicksands among which he had been formerly wrecked
In the middle of their journey while they halted at an inn for a short
refreshment and change of horses a postilion ran up to Peregrine in the yard
and falling at his feet clasped his knees with great eagerness and agitation
and presented to him the individual face of his old valet de chambre The youth
perceiving him in such an abject garb and attitude commanded him to rise and
tell the cause of such a miserable reverse in his fortune Upon which Hadgi gave
him to understand that he had been ruined by his wife who having robbed him of
all his cash and valuable effects had eloped from his house with one of his
own customers who appeared in the character of a French count but was in
reality no other than an Italian fidler that in consequence of this retreat
he the husband was disabled from paying a considerable sum which he had set
apart for his winemerchant who being disappointed in his expectation took out
an extent against his effects and the rest of his creditors following his
example hunted him out of house and home so that finding his person in danger
at London he had been obliged to escape into the country skulking about from
one village to another till being quite destitute of all support he had
undertaken his present office to save himself from starving
Peregrine listened with compassion to his lamentable tale which too well
accounted for his not appearing in the Fleet with offers of service to his
master in distress a circumstance that Pickle had all along imputed to his
avarice and ingratitude and he assured him that as he had been the means of
throwing in his way the temptation to which he fell a sacrifice he would charge
himself with the retrieval of his affairs in the mean time he made him taste
of his bounty and desired him to continue in his present employment until he
should return from the garison when he would consider his situation and do
something for his immediate relief
Hadgi attempted to kiss his shoe and wept or affected to weep with
sensibility at this gracious reception he even made a merit of his
unwillingness to exercise his new occupation and earnestly begged that he might
be allowed to give immediate attendance upon his dear master from whom he could
not bear the thoughts of a second parting His intreaties were reinforced by the
intercession of his two friends in consequence of which the Swiss was permitted
to follow them at his own leisure while they set forwards after a slight
repast and reached the place of their destination before ten oclock at night
Peregrine instead of alighting at the garison rode straightway to his
fathers house and no person appearing to receive him not even a servant to
take care of his chaise he dismounted without assistance and being followed by
his two friends advanced into the hall where perceiving a bellrope he made
immediate application to it in such a manner as brought a couple of footmen
into his presence After having reprimanded them with a stern look for their
neglect in point of attendance he commanded them to shew him into an
apartment and as they seemed unwilling to yield obedience to his orders asked
if they did not belong to the family
One of them who took upon himself the office of spokesman replied with a
sullen air that they had been in the service of old Mr Pickle and now that he
was dead thought themselves bound to obey no body but their lady and her son
Mr Gamaliel This declaration had scarce proceeded from his mouth when our
hero gave them to understand that since they were not disposed to own any other
master they must change their quarters immediately and ordered them to decamp
without further preparation and as they still continued restiff they were
kicked out of doors by the captain and his friend Hatchway Squire Gam who
overheard every thing that passed and was now more than ever inflamed with that
rancour which he had sucked with his mothers milk flew to the assistance of
his adherents with a pistol in each hand bellowing Thieves thieves with
great vociferation as if he had mistaken the business of the strangers and
actually believed himself in danger of being robbed Under this pretence he
discharged a piece at his brother who luckily escaping the shot closed with
him in a moment and wresting the other pistol from his gripe turned him out
into the courtyard to the consolation of his two dependants
By this time Pipes and the two postilions had taken possession of the
stables without being opposed by the coachman and his deputy who quietly
submitted to the authority of their new sovereign but the noise of the pistol
had alarmed Mrs Pickle who running down stairs with the most frantic
appearance attended by two maids and the curate who still maintained his place
of chaplain and ghostly director in the family would have assaulted our hero
with her nails had not she been restrained by her attendants who tho they
prevented her from using her hands could not hinder her from exercising her
tongue which she wagged against him with all the virulence of malice She
askd if he was come to butcher his brother to insult his fathers corpse and
triumph in her affliction she bestowed upon him the epithets of spendthrift
jailbird and unnatural ruffian she beggd pardon of God for having brought
such a monster into the world accused him of having brought his fathers grey
hairs with sorrow to the grave and affirmed that were he to touch the body it
would bleed at his approach
Without pretending to refute the articles of this ridiculous charge he
allowed her to ring out her alarm and then calmly replied that if she did not
quietly retire to her chamber and behave as became a person in her present
situation he should insist upon her removing to another lodging without delay
for he was determined to be master in his own family The lady who in all
probability expected that he would endeavour to appease her with all the
tenderness of filial submission was so much exasperated at his cavalier
behaviour that her constitution could not support the transports of her
spirits and she was carried off by her women in a fit while the officious
clergyman was dismissd after his pupil with all the circumstances of disgrace
Our hero having thus made his quarters good took possession of the best
apartment in the house and sent notice of his arrival to Mr Clover who with
his wife visited him in less than an hour and was not a little surprised to
find him so suddenly settled in his fathers house The meeting of Julia and her
brother was extremely pathetic She had always loved him with uncommon
tenderness and looked upon him as the ornament of her family but she had heard
of his extravagancies with regret and tho she considered the stories that were
circulated at his expence as the malicious exaggerations of his mother and her
darling son her apprehension had been grievously alarmed by an account of his
imprisonment and distress which had been accidentally conveyed to that country
by a gentleman from London who had been formerly of his acquaintance she could
not therefore without the most tender emotions of joy see him as it were
restored to his rightful inheritance and reestablished in that station of life
which she thought he could fill with dignity and importance
After their mutual expressions of affection she retired to her mothers
chamber with a view to make a second offer of her service and attendance which
had been already rejected with scorn since her fathers death while Peregrine
consulted his brotherinlaw about the affairs of the family so far as they
had fallen within his cognizance and observation
Mr Clover told him that though he was never favoured with the confidence
of the defunct he knew some of his intimates who had been tampered with by
Mrs Pickle and even engaged to second the remonstrances by which she had often
endeavoured to persuade her husband to settle his affairs by a formal will but
that he had from time to time evaded their importunities with surprising excuses
of procrastination that plainly appeared to be the result of invention and
design far above the supposed pitch of his capacity a circumstance from which
Mr Clover concluded that the old gentleman imagined his life would not have
been secure had he once taken such a step as must have rendered it unnecessary
to the independence of his second son He moreover observed that in
consequence of this information he no sooner heard of Mr Pickles death which
happened at the club than he went directly with a lawyer to his house before
any cabal or conspiracy could be formed against the rightful heir and in
presence of witnesses provided for the purpose sealed up all the papers of the
deceased after the widow had in the first transports of her sorrow and
vexation fairly owned that her husband had died intestate
Peregrine was extremely well satisfied with this intelligence by which all
his doubts were dispelled and having chearfully supped with his friends on a
cold collation which his brotherinlaw had brought in his chariot they retired
to rest in different chambers after Julia had met with another repulse from
her capricious mother whose overflowing rage had now subsided into the former
channel of calm inveteracy
Next morning the house was supplied with some servants from the garison and
preparations made for the funeral of the deceased and Gam having taken lodging
in the neighbourhood came with a chaise and cart to demand his mother together
with his own cloaths and her personal effects
Our hero tho he would not suffer him to enter the door allowed his
proposal to be communicated to the widow who eagerly embraced the opportunity
of removing and was with her own baggage and that of her beloved son
conveyed to the place which he had prepared for her reception whither she was
followed by her woman who was desired by Peregrine to assure her mistress
that until a regular provision could be settled upon her she might command
him in point of money or any other accommodation in his power
Chapter CXIII
He performs the last Offices to his Father and returns to London upon a very
interesting Design
Suits of mourning being provided for himself his friends and adherents and
every other previous measure taken suitable to the occasion his father was
interred in a private manner in the parishchurch and his papers being
examined in presence of many persons of honour and integrity invited for that
purpose no will was found or any other deed in favour of the second son tho
it appeared by the marriage settlement that the widow was intitled to a
jointure of five hundred pounds a year The rest of his papers consisted of
EastIndia bonds Southsea annuities mortgages notes and assignments to the
amount of fourscore thousand seven hundred and sixty pounds exclusive of the
house plate and furniture horses equipage and cattle with the garden and
park adjacent to a very considerable extent
This was a sum that even exceeded his expectation and could not fail to
entertain his fancy with the most agreeable ideas He found himself immediately
a man of vast consequence among his country neighbours who visited him with
compliments of congratulation and treated him with such respect as would have
effectually spoiled any young man of his disposition who had not the same
advantages of experience as he had already purchased at a very extravagant
price Thus shielded with caution he bore his prosperity with surprising
temperance every body was charmed with his affability and moderation and when
he made a circuit round the gentlemen of the district in order to repay the
courtesy which he owed he was caressed by them with uncommon assiduity and
advised to offer himself as a candidate for the county at the next election
which they supposed would soon happen because the present member was in a
declining state of health Nor did his person and address escape unheeded by the
ladies many of whom did not scruple to spread their attractions before him
with a view of captivating such a valuable prize nay such an impression did
this legacy make upon a certain peer who resided in this part of the country
that he cultivated Pickles acquaintance with great eagerness and without
circumlocution offered to him in marriage his only daughter with a very
considerable fortune
Our hero expressed himself upon this occasion as became a man of honour
sensibility and politeness and frankly gave his lordship to understand that
his heart was already engaged He was pleased with the opportunity of making
such a sacrifice to his passion for Emilia which by this time inflamed his
thoughts to such a degree of impatience that he resolved to depart for London
with all possible speed and for that purpose industriously employed almost
every hour of his time in regulating his domestic affairs He paid off all his
fathers servants and hired others at the recommendation of his sister who
promised to superintend his houshold in his absence he advanced the first
halfyearly payment of his mothers jointure and as for his brother Gam he
gave him divers opportunities of acknowledging his faults so as that he might
have answered to his own conscience for taking any step in his favour but that
young gentleman was not yet sufficiently humbled by misfortune and not only
forbore to make any overtures of peace but also took all occasions to slander
the conduct and revile the person of our hero being in this practice
comforted and abetted by his righteous mamma
Every thing being thus settled for the present the triumvirate set out on
their return to town in the same manner with that in which they had arrived in
the country except in this small variation that Hatchways chaisecompanion
was now the valet de chambre refitted instead of Pipes who with another
lacquey attended them on horseback When they had performed two thirds of their
way to London they chanced to overtake a country squire on his return from a
visit to one of his neighbours who had entertained him with such hospitality
that as the lieutenant observed he rolled himself almost gunwale to at every
motion of his horse which was a fine hunter and when the chaises passd him at
full speed he set up the sportsmans hollow in a voice that sounded like a
French horn clapping spurs to Sorrel at the same time in order to keep up with
the pace of the machine
Peregrine who was animated with an uncommon flow of spirits ordered his
postilion to proceed more softly and entered into conversation with the
stranger touching the make and mettle of his horse upon which he descanted
with so much learning that the squire was astonished at his knowledge and so
engaged with his manner of discourse that when they approached his habitation
he invited the young gentleman and his company to halt and drink a bottle of
his ale and was so pressing in his solicitation that they complied with his
request He accordingly conducted them through a spacious avenue that extended
as far as the highway to the gate of a large chateau of a most noble and
venerable appearance which induced them to alight and view the apartments
contrary to their first intention of drinking a glass of his October at the
door
The rooms were every way suitable to the magnificence of the outside and
our hero imagined they had made a tour through the whole sweep when the
landlord gave him to understand that they had not yet seen the best apartment of
the house and immediately led them into a spacious diningroom which Peregrine
did not enter without giving manifest signs of uncommon astonishment The
pannels all round were covered with portraits at full length by Vandyke and
not one of them appeared without a ridiculous tyeperriwig in the style of those
that usually hang over the shops of twopenny barbers The strait boots in which
the figures had been originally painted and the other circumstances of attitude
and drapery so inconsistent with this monstrous furniture of the head
exhibited such a ludicrous appearance that Pickles wonder in a little time
gave way to his mirth and he was seized with a violent fit of laughter which
had well nigh deprived him of his breath
The squire half pleased and half offended at this expression of ridicule
»I know said he what makes you laugh so woefully you think it strange to zee
my vorefathers booted and spurred with huge threetailed perriwigs on their
pates The truth of the matter is this I could not abide to zee the pictures of
my vamily with a parcel of loose hair hanging about their eyes like zo many
colts and zo I employed a painter vellow from London to clap decent perriwigs
upon their skulls at the rate of vive shillings a head and offered him three
shillings apiece to furnish each with an handzome pair of shoes and stockings
but the rascal thinking I must have em done at any price after their heads
were covered haggled with me for vour shillings a picture and zo rather than
be imposed upon I turned him off and shall let em stand as they are till
zome more reasonable brother of the brush comes round the country«
Pickle commended his resolution tho in his heart he blessed himself from
such a barbarous Goth and after they had dispatched two or three bottles of
his beer they proceeded on their journey and arrived in town about eleven at
night
Chapter the Last
He enjoys an Interview with Emilia and makes himself ample Amends for all the
Mortifications of his Life
Godfrey who had taken leave of his sister on pretence of making a short
excursion with Peregrine whose health required the enjoyment of fresh air
after his long confinement sent a message to her that same night announcing
his arrival and giving her notice that he would breakfast with her next
morning when he and our hero who had dressed himself for the purpose taking a
hackneycoach repaired to her lodging and were introduced into a parlour
adjoining to that in which the teatable was set Here they had not waited many
minutes when they heard the sound of feet coming down stairs upon which our
heros heart began to beat the alarm and he concealed himself behind the
screen by the direction of his friend whose ears being saluted with Sophys
voice from the next room he flew into it with great ardour and enjoyed upon
her lips the sweet transports of a meeting so unexpected for he had left her in
her fathers house at Windsor
Amidst these emotions he had almost forgot the situation of Peregrine when
Emilia assuming an enchanting air »Is not this said she a most provoking
scene to a young woman like me who am doomed to wear the willow by the strange
caprice of my lover Upon my word brother you have done me infinite prejudice
in promoting this jaunt with my obstinate correspondent who I suppose is so
ravished with this transient glimpse of liberty that he will never be persuaded
to incur unnecessary confinement for the future« »My dear sister replied the
captain tauntingly your own pride set him the example so you must een stand
to the consequence of his imitation« »Tis a hard case however answered the
fair offender that I should suffer all my life by one venial trespass Heigh
ho who would imagine that a sprightly girl such as I with ten thousand
pounds should go a begging I have a good mind to marry the next person that
asks me the question in order to be revenged upon this unyielding humourist
Did the dear fellow discover no inclination to see me in all the term of his
releasement Well if ever I can catch the fugitive again he shall sing in his
cage for life«
It is impossible to convey to the reader a just idea of Peregrines
transports while he overheard this declaration which was no sooner pronounced
than unable to resist the impetuosity of his passion he sprung from his
lurking place exclaiming »Here I surrender« and rushing into her presence
was so dazzled with her beauty that his speech failed he was fixed like a
statue to the floor and all his faculties were absorpt in admiration Indeed
she was now in the full bloom of her charms and it was nearly impossible to
look upon her without emotion What then must have been the extasy of our youth
whose passion was whetted with all the incitements which could stimulate the
human heart The ladies screamed with surprize at his appearance and Emilia
underwent such agitation as flushed every charm with irresistible energy her
cheeks glowed with a most delicate suffusion and her bosom heaved with such
bewitching undulation that the cambrick could not conceal or contain the snowy
hemispheres that rose like a vision of paradise to his view
While he was almost fainting with unutterable delight she seemed ready to
sink under the tumults of tenderness and confusion when our hero perceiving
her condition obeyed the impulse of his love and circled the charmer in his
arms without suffering the least frown or symptom of displeasure Not all the
pleasures of his life had amounted to the ineffable joy of this embrace in
which he continued for some minutes totally entranced He fastened upon her
pouting lips with all the eagerness of rapture and while his brain seemed to
whirl round with transport exclaimed in a delirium of bliss »Heaven and earth
this is too much to bear«
His imagination was accordingly relieved and his attention in some measure
divided by the interposition of Sophy who kindly chid him for his having
overlooked his old friends thus accosted he quitted his delicious armful and
saluting Mrs Gauntlet asked pardon for his neglect observing that such
rudeness was excuseable considering the long and unhappy exile which he had
suffered from the jewel of his soul Then turning to Emilia »I am come madam
said he to claim the performance of your promise which I can produce under
your own fair hand you may therefore lay aside all superfluous ceremony and
shyness and crown my happiness without farther delay for upon my soul my
thoughts are wound up to the last pitch of expectation and I shall certainly
run distracted if I am doomed to any term of probation«
His mistress having by this time recollected herself replied with a most
exhilerating smile »I ought to punish you for your obstinacy with the
mortification of a twelvemonths trial but tis dangerous to tamper with an
admirer of your disposition and therefore I think I must make sure of you
while it is in my power« »You are willing then to take me for better for
worse in presence of heaven and these witnesses« cried Peregrine kneeling
and applying her hand to his lips At this interrogation her features softened
into an amazing expression of condescending love and while she darted a
sideglance that thrilled to his marrow and heaved a sigh more soft than
zephyrs balmy wing her answer was »Why ay and heaven grant me patience
to bear the humours of such a yokefellow« »And may the same powers replied
the youth grant me life and opportunity to manifest the immensity of my love
Mean while I have eighty thousand pounds which shall be laid immediately in
your lap«
So saving he sealed the contract upon her lips and explained the mystery
of his last words which had begun to operate upon the wonder of the two
sisters Sophy was agreeably surprised with the account of his good fortune nor
was it in all probability unacceptable to the lovely Emilia tho from this
information she took an opportunity to upbraid her admirer with the
inflexibility of his pride which she scrupled not to say would have baffled
all the suggestions of his passion had not it been gratified by this
providential event
Matters being thus happily matured the lover begged that immediate recourse
might be had to the church and his happiness ascertained before night But the
bride objected with great vehemence to such precipitation being desirous of
her mothers presence at the ceremony and she was seconded in her opinion by
her brothers wife upon which Peregrine maddening with desire assaulted her
with the most earnest intreaties representing that as her mothers consent
was already obtained there was surely no necessity for a delay that must
infallibly make a dangerous impression upon his brain and constitution He fell
at her feet in all the agony of impatience swore that his life and intellects
would actually be in jeopardy by her refusal and when she attempted to argue
him out of his demand began to rave with such extravagance that Sophy was
frightened into conviction and Godfrey enforcing the remonstrances of his
friend the amiable Emilia was teized into compliance
After breakfast the bridegroom and his companion set out for the Commons for
a licence having first agreed upon the house at which the ceremony should be
performed in the lodgings of the bride and the permission being obtained they
found means to engage a clergyman who undertook to attend them at their own
time and place Then a ring was purchased for the occasion and they went in
search of the lieutenant with whom they dined at a tavern and not only made
him acquainted with the steps they had taken but desired that he would stand
godfather to the bride an employment which Jack accepted with demonstrations
of particular satisfaction till chancing to look into the street and seeing
Cadwallader approach the door in consequence of a message they had sent to him
by Pipes he declined the office in favour of the senior who was accordingly
ordained for that purpose on the supposition that such a mark of regard might
facilitate his concurrence with a match which otherwise he would certainly
oppose as he was a professed enemy to wedlock and as yet ignorant of
Peregrines intention
After having congratulated Pickle upon his succession and shook his two
friends by the hand the Misanthrope asked whose mare was dead that he was
summoned in such a plaguy hurry from his dinner which he had been fain to
gobble up like a cannibal Our hero gave him to understand that they had made
an appointment to drink tea with two agreeable ladies and were unwilling that
he should lose the opportunity of enjoying an entertainment which he loved so
much Crabtree shrivelling up his face like an autumn leaf at this
intimation cursed his complaisance and swore they should keep their
assignation without him for he and letchery had shook hands many years ago
The bridegroom however likening him unto an old coachman who still
delights in the smack of the whip and dropping some flattering hints of his
manhood even at these years he was gradually prevailed upon to accompany them
to the place of rendezvous where being ushered into a diningroom they had
not waited three minutes when they were joined by the parson who had observed
the hour with great punctuality
This gentleman no sooner entered the room than Cadwallader in a whisper to
Gauntlet asked if that was not the cockbawd and before the captain could make
any reply »What an unconscionable whoremaster the rogue is said he scarce
discharged from confinement and sweetened with a little fresh air and yet he
wenches with a pimp in canonicals in his pay« The door again opened and Emilia
broke in upon them with such dignity of mien and divinity of aspect as
inspired every spectator with astonishment and admiration The lieutenant who
had not seen her since her charms were ripened into such perfection expressed
his wonder and approbation in an exclamation of »Adds zooks what a glorious
galley« and the Misanthropes visage was instantly metamorphosed into the face
of a mountaingoat he licked his lips instinctively snuffed the air and
squinted with a most horrible obliquity of vision
The bride and her sister being seated and Hatchway having renewed his
acquaintance with the former who recognized him with particular civility
Peregrine withdrew into another apartment with his friend Crabtree to whom he
imparted the design of this meeting which the latter no sooner understood than
he attempted to retreat without making any other reply than that of »Pshaw rot
your matrimony cant you put your neck in the noose without my being a witness
of your folly«
The young gentleman in order to vanquish this aversion stepped to the door
of the next room and begged the favour of speaking with Emilia to whom he
introduced the testy old batchelor as one of his particular friends who
desired to have the honour of giving her away The bewitching smile with which
she received his salute and granted his request at once overcame the
disapprobation of the Misanthrope who with a relaxation in his countenance
which had never been perceived before that instant thanked her in the most
polite terms for such an agreeable mark of distinction He accordingly led her
into the diningroom where the ceremony was performed without delay and after
the husband had asserted his prerogative on her lips the whole company saluted
her by the name of Mrs Pickle
I shall leave the sensible reader to judge what passed at this juncture
within the bosoms of the new couple Peregrines heart was fired with
inexpressible ardour and impatience while the transports of the bride were
mingled with a dash of diffidence and apprehension Gauntlet saw it would be too
much for both to bear their present tantalizing situation till night without
some amusement to diverge their thoughts and therefore proposed to pass part of
the evening at the public entertainment in Marybonegardens which were at that
time frequented by the best company in town The scheme was relished by the
discreet Sophy who saw the meaning of the proposal and the bride submitted to
the persuasion of her sister so that after tea two coaches were called and
Peregrine was forcibly separated from his charmer during the conveyance
While they stood before the orchestra listening to an English ballad which
was sung in a very agreeable manner our hero perceived a taudry Frenchman
leaning against a post and entertaining himself with a soliloquy upon the
barbarous want of taste in England so conspicuous in the applause which was
given to that miserable performance and as his remarks were not made without
some insolent reflections upon the nation he marked him as a proper object for
his ridicule and began to project some scheme for exposing him to the mirth of
the company because he looked upon him as some pert valet de chambre who
assumed the character of a gentleman by the night when he was saved the
trouble of inventing by an accident which the foreigner of himself incurred
One of the waiters belonging to the place had marked with chalk the score
of a company whom he attended on the very post which the Frenchman had thought
proper to occupy so that when he walked away he carried off the greatest part
of the reckoning upon his bag and shoulders The servant coming to add another
bottle to the account perceived almost the whole particulars of the bill
effaced and began to raise an hideous outcry against the people that stood
nearest him upon which our hero told him how the misfortune had happened and
pointed out the person who bore the impression upon his back This intelligence
was no sooner communicated than the waiter calling some of his brethren to his
assistance went in pursuit of the delinquent while Pickle desired his company
to take notice and telling him that he had carried off part of a reckoning
desired he would return that they might compare the marks upon his bag with the
fragment which remained upon the post
The Frenchman who did not understand one word of the English language
seeing himself accosted in a very petulant manner by this attendant at first
imagined that he and his companions came with a design to affront him because
he was a foreigner and therefore thinking it incumbent upon him to support the
dignity of his nation began to talk very big in his native tongue and in
order to inforce his words laid his hand upon his sword in a very menacing
posture upon which the confederates flew upon him and securing both his arms
led him backward through a lane of people who laughed heartily at his
captivity which he now believed to be the effect of an information laid against
him for some trespass upon our laws and with a most ludicrous expression of
fear protested that he was utterly ignorant and innocent of the crime for
which he was apprehended
Being conducted to the spot his back was applied to the post and the
separate parts of the score matched like two exchequer tallies by which means
they were able to ascertain the reckoning and then dismissd the counterpart
who had stood under their hands with a most rueful face of expectation and
afforded merriment to a whole crowd of spectators a great part of whom gave him
a convoy to the gate by which he made his retreat with great expedition
The newmarried couple and their company having made shift to spend the
evening and supped on a slight collation in one of the boxes Peregrines
patience was almost quite exhausted and taking Godfrey aside he imparted his
intention to withdraw in private from the seawit of his friend Hatchway who
would otherwise retard his bliss with unseasonable impediments which at
present he could not possibly bear Gauntlet who sympathized with his
impatience undertook to intoxicate the lieutenant with bumpers to the joy of
the bride and in the mean time desired Sophy to retire with his sister under
the auspices of Cadwallader who promised to squire them home
The ladies were accordingly conducted to the coach and Jack proposed to the
captain that for the sake of the joke the bridegroom should be plied with
liquor in such a manner as would effectually disable him from enjoying the
fruits of his good fortune for one night at least Gauntlet seemed to relish the
scheme and they prevailed upon Pickle to accompany them to a certain tavern on
pretence of drinking a farewel glass to a single life there the bottle was
circulated till Hatchways brain began to suffer innovation and as he had
secured our heros hat and sword he felt no apprehension of an elopement
which however was effected and the youth hastened on the wings of love to the
arms of his enchanting bride He found Crabtree in a parlour waiting for his
return and disposed to entertain him with a lecture upon temperance to which
he paid very little attention but ringing for Emilias maid desired to know if
her mistress was abed Being answered in the affirmative he sent her up stairs
to announce his arrival undressed himself to a loose gown and slippers and
wishing the Misanthrope goodnight after having desired to see him next day
followed in person to the delicious scene where he found her elegantly dished
out the fairest daughter of chastity and love
When he approached she was overwhelmed with confusion and hid her lovely
face from his transported view while Mrs Gauntlet seeing his eyes kindled at
the occasion kissed her charming sister who throwing her snowy arms about her
neck would have detained her in the room had not Peregrine gently disengaged
her confidante from her embrace and conducted her trembling to the door which
having bolted and barricadoed he profited by his good fortune and his felicity
was perfect
Next day he rose about noon and found his three friends assembled when he
learned that Jack had fallen in his own snare and been obliged to lie in the
same tavern where he fell a circumstance of which he was so much ashamed that
Peregrine and his wife escaped many jokes which he would have certainly
cracked had he not lain under the predicament of this disgrace In half an hour
after he came down Mrs Pickle appeared with Sophy blushing like Aurora or the
goddess of health and sending forth emanations of beauty unparallelled she was
complimented upon her change of situation by all present and by none more
warmly than by old Crabtree who declared himself so well satisfied with his
friends fortune as to be almost reconciled to that institution against which
he had declaimed during the best part of his life
An express was immediately dispatched to Mrs Gauntlet with an account of
her daughters marriage a townhouse was hired and an handsome equipage set
up in which the newmarried pair appeared at all public places to the
astonishment of our adventurers fairweather friends and the admiration of all
the world for in point of figure such another couple was not to be found in
the whole united kingdom Envy despaired and detraction was struck dumb when
our heros new accession of fortune was consigned to the celebration of public
fame Emilia attracted the notice of all observers from the pert templar to the
Sovereign himself who was pleased to bestow encomiums upon the excellence of
her beauty Many persons of consequence who had dropped the acquaintance of
Peregrine in the beginning of his decline now made open efforts to cultivate
his friendship anew but he discouraged all these advances with the most
mortifying disdain and one day when the nobleman whom he had formerly
obliged came up to him in the drawingroom with the salutation of »Your
servant Mr Pickle« he eyed him with a look of ineffable contempt saying »I
suppose your lordship is mistaken in your man« and turned his head another way
in presence of the whole court
When he had made a circuit round all the places frequented by the
beaumonde to the utter confusion of those against whom his resentment was
kindled paid off his debts and settled his moneymatters in town Hatchway was
dismissed to the country in order to prepare for the reception of his fair
Emilia and in a few days after his departure the whole company Cadwallader
himself included set out for his fathers house and in their way took up
Mrs Gauntlet the mother who was sincerely rejoiced to see our hero in the
capacity of her soninlaw From her habitation they proceeded homewards at an
easy pace and amidst the acclamations of the whole parish entered their own
house where Emilia was received in the most tender manner by Mr Clovers
wife who had provided every thing for her ease and accommodation and next
day surrendered unto her the management of her own houshold affairs