John Cleland
Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure
Letter the First
Madam
I sit down to give you an undeniable proof of my considering your desires as
indispensable orders Ungracious then as the task may be I shall recall to view
those scandalous stages of my life out of which I emergd at length to the
enjoyment of every blessing in the power of love health and fortune to bestow
whilst yet in the flower of youth and not too late to employ the leisure
afforded me by great ease and affluence to cultivate an understanding
naturally not a despicable one and which had even amidst the whirl of loose
pleasures I had been tost in exerted more observation on the characters and
manners of the world than what is common to those of my unhappy profession who
looking on all thought or reflection as their capital enemy keep it at as great
a distance as they can or destroy it without mercy
Hating as I mortally do all long unnecessary preface I shall give you
good quarter in this and use no farther apology than to prepare you for seeing
the loose part of my life wrote with the same liberty that I led it
Truth stark naked truth is the word and I will not so much as take the
pains to bestow the strip of a gauze wrapper on it but paint situations such as
they actually rose to me in nature careless of violating those laws of decency
that were never made for such unreserved intimacies as ours and you have too
much sense too much knowledge of the ORIGINALS themselves to sniff prudishly
and out of character at the PICTURES of them The greatest men those of the
first and most leading taste will not scruple adorning their private closets
with nudities though in compliance with vulgar prejudices they may not think
them decent decorations of the staircase or salon
This and enough premised I go souse into my personal history My maiden
name was Frances Hill I was born at a small village near Liverpool in
Lancashire of parents extremely poor and I piously believe extremely honest
My father who had received a maim on his limbs that disabled him from
following the more laborious branches of countrydrudgery got by making of
nets a scanty subsistence which was not much enlargd by my mothers keeping a
little dayschool for the girls in her neighbourhood They had had several
children but none lived to any age except myself who had received from nature
a constitution perfectly healthy
My education till past fourteen was no better than very vulgar reading
or rather spelling an illegible scrawl and a little ordinary plain work
composed the whole system of it and then all my foundation in virtue was no
other than a total ignorance of vice and the shy timidity general to our sex
in the tender stage of life when objects alarm or frighten more by their novelty
than anything else But then this is a fear too often cured at the expence of
innocence when Miss by degrees begins no longer to look on a man as a
creature of prey that will eat her
My poor mother had divided her time so entirely between her scholars and her
little domestic cares that she had spared very little of it to my instruction
having from her own innocence from all ill no hint or thought of guarding me
against any
I was now entering on my fifteenth year when the worst of ills befell me in
the loss of my tender fond parents who were both carried off by the smallpox
within a few days of each other my father dying first and thereby hastening
the death of my mother so that I was now left an unhappy friendless orphan for
my fathers coming to settle there was accidental he being originally a
Kentishman That cruel distemper which had proved so fatal to them had indeed
seized me but with such mild and favourable symptoms that I was presently out
of danger and what I then did not know the value of was entirely unmarkd I
skip over here an account of the natural grief and affliction which I felt on
this melancholy occasion A little time and the giddiness of that age
dissipated too soon my reflections on that irreparable loss but nothing
contributed more to reconcile me to it than the notions that were immediately
put into my head of going to London and looking out for a service in which I
was promised all assistance and advice from one Esther Davis a young woman that
had been down to see her friends and who after the stay of a few days was to
return to her place
As I had now nobody left alive in the village who had concern enough about
what should become of me to start any objections to this scheme and the woman
who took care of me after my parents death rather encouraged me to pursue it I
soon came to a resolution of making this launch into the wide world by
repairing to London in order to SEEK MY FORTUNE a phrase which by the bye
has ruined more adventurers of both sexes from the country than ever it made
or advanced
Nor did Esther Davis a little comfort and inspirit me to venture with her
by piquing my childish curiosity with the fine sights that were to be seen in
London the Tombs the Lions the King the Royal Family the fine Plays and
Operas and in short all the diversions which fell within her sphere of life
to come at the detail of all which perfectly turnd the little head of me
Nor can I remember without laughing the innocent admiration not without a
spice of envy with which we poor girls whose churchgoing clothes did not rise
above dowlass shifts and stuff gowns beheld Esthers scowered satin gowns caps
borderd with an inch of lace taudry ribbons and shoes belaced with silver
all which we imagined grew in London and entered for a great deal into my
determination of trying to come in for my share of them
The idea however of having the company of a townswoman with her was the
trivial and all the motives that engaged Esther to take charge of me during my
journey to town where she told me after her manner and style »as how several
maids out of the country had made themselves and all their kin for ever that by
preserving their VIRTUE some had taken so with their masters that they had
married them and kept them coaches and lived vastly grand and happy and some
mayhap came to be Duchesses luck was all and why not I as well as
another« with other almanacs to this purpose which set me a tiptoe to begin
this promising journey and to leave a place which though my native one
contained no relations that I had reason to regret and was grown insupportable
to me from the change of the tenderest usage into a cold air of charity with
which I was entertaind even at the only friends house that I had the least
expectation of care and protection from She was however so just to me as to
manage the turning into money of the little matters that remained to me after
the debts and burial charges were accounted for and at my departure put my
whole fortune into my hands which consisted of a very slender wardrobe packd
up in a very portable box and eight guineas with seventeen shillings in
silver stowed up in a springpouch which was a greater treasure than ever I
had yet seen together and which I could not conceive there was a possibility of
running out and indeed I was so entirely taken up with the joy of seeing
myself mistress of such an immense sum that I gave very little attention to a
world of good advice which was given me with it
Places then being taken for Esther and me in the London waggon I pass
over a very immaterial scene of leavetaking at which I dropt a few tears
betwixt grief and joy and for the same reasons of insignificance skip over
all that happened to me on the road such as the waggoners looking liquorish on
me the schemes laid for me by some of the passengers which were defeated by
the vigilance of my guardian Esther who to do her justice took a motherly
care of me at the same time that she taxed me for her protection by making me
bear all travelling charges which I defrayed with the utmost cheerfulness and
thought myself much obliged to her into the bargain
She took indeed great care that we were not overrated or imposed on as
well as of managing as frugally as possible expensiveness was not her vice
It was pretty late in a summer evening when we reached Londontown in our
slow conveyance though drawn by six at length As we passed through the
greatest streets that led to our inn the noise of the coaches the hurry the
crowds of foot passengers in short the new scenery of the shops and houses at
once pleased and amazed me
But guess at my mortification and surprize when we came to the inn and our
things were landed and deliverd to us when my fellow traveller and
protectress Esther Davis who had used me with the utmost tenderness during the
journey and prepared me by no preceding signs for the stunning blow I was to
receive when I say my only dependence and friend in this strange place all
of a sudden assumed a strange and cool air towards me as if she dreaded my
becoming a burden to her
Instead then of proffering me the continuance of her assistance and good
offices which I relied upon and never more wanted she thought herself it
seems abundantly acquitted of her engagements to me by having brought me safe
to my journeys end and seeing nothing in her procedure towards me but what was
natural and in order began to embrace me by way of taking leave whilst I was
so confounded so struck that I had not spirit or sense enough so much as to
mention my hopes or expectations from her experience and knowledge of the place
she had brought me to
Whilst I stood thus stupid and mute which she doubtless attributed to
nothing more than a concern at parting this idea procured me perhaps a slight
alleviation of it in the following harangue That now we were got safe to
London and that she was obliged to go to her place she advised me by all means
to get into one as soon as possible that I need not fear getting one there
were more places than parishchurches that she advised me to go to an
intelligence office that if she heard of any thing stirring she would find me
out and let me know that in the meantime I should take a private lodging and
acquaint her where to send to me that she wishd me good luck and hoped I
should always have the grace to keep myself honest and not bring a disgrace on
my parentage With this she took her leave of me and left me as it were on
my own hands full as lightly as I had been put into hers
Left thus alone absolutely destitute and friendless I began then to feel
most bitterly the severity of this separation the scene of which had passed in
a little room in the inn and no sooner was her back turned but the affliction
I felt at my helpless strange circumstances burst out into a flood of tears
which infinitely relieved the oppression of my heart though I still remained
stupefied and most perfectly perplexd how to dispose of myself
One of the waiters coming in added yet more to my uncertainty by asking me
in a short way if I called for anything to which I replied innocently »No«
But I wished him to tell me where I might get a lodging for that night He said
he would go and speak to his mistress who accordingly came and told me drily
without entering in the least into the distress she saw me in that I might have
a bed for a shilling and that as she supposed I had some friends in town here
I fetched a deep sigh in vain I might provide for myself in the morning
Tis incredible what trifling consolations the human mind will seize in its
greatest afflictions The assurance of nothing more than a bed to lie on that
night calmed my agonies and being ashamd to acquaint the mistress of the inn
that I had no friends to apply to in town I proposed to myself to proceed the
very next morning to an intelligence office to which I was furnishd with
written directions on the back of a ballad Esther had given me There I counted
on getting information of any place that such a country girl as I might be fit
for and where I could get into any sort of being before my little stock should
be consumed and as to a character Esther had often repeated to me that I might
depend on her managing me one nor however affected I was at her leaving me
thus did I entirely cease to rely on her as I began to think goodnaturedly
that her procedure was all in course and that it was only my ignorance of life
that had made me take it in the light I at first did
Accordingly the next morning I dressd myself as clean and as neat as my
rustic wardrobe would permit me and having left my box with special
recommendation with the landlady I ventured out by myself and without any
more difficulty than can be supposed of a young country girl barely fifteen
and to whom every sign or shop was a gazing trap I got to the wishdfor
intelligence office
It was kept by an elderly woman who sat at the receipt of custom with a
book before her in great form and order and several scrolls ready made out of
directions for places
I made up then to this important personage without lifting up my eyes or
observing any of the people round me who were attending there on the same
errand as myself and dropping her curtsies ninedeep just made a shift to
stammer out my business to her
Madam having heard me out with all the gravity and brow of a petty minister
of State and seeing at one glance over my figure what I was made me no answer
but to ask me the preliminary shilling on receipt of which she told me places
for women were exceedingly scarce especially as I seemed too slight built for
hard work but that she would look over her book and see what was to be done
for me desiring me to stay a little till she had dispatched some other
customers
On this I drew back a little most heartily mortified at a declaration which
carried with it a killing uncertainty that my circumstances could not well
endure
Presently assuming more courage and seeking some diversion from my uneasy
thoughts I ventured to lift up my head a little and sent my eyes on a course
round the room wherein they met full tilt with those of a lady for such my
extreme innocence pronouncd her sitting in a corner of the room dressd in a
velvet mantle nota bene in the midst of summer with her bonnet off
squabfat redfaced and at least fifty
She lookd as if she would devour me with her eyes staring at me from head
to foot without the least regard to the confusion and blushes her eyeing me so
fixedly put me to and which were to her no doubt the strongest recommendation
and marks of my being fit for her purpose After a little time in which my air
person and whole figure had undergone a strict examination which I had on my
part tried to render favourable to me by primming drawing up my neck and
setting my best looks she advanced and spoke to me with the greatest
demureness
»Sweetheart do you want a place«
»Yes and please you« with a curtsy down to the ground
Upon this she acquainted me that she was actually come to the office herself
to look out for a servant that she believed I might do with a little of her
instructions that she could take my very looks for a sufficient character that
London was a very wicked vile place that she hoped I would be tractable and
keep out of bad company in short she said all to me that an old experienced
practitioner in town could think of and which was much more than was necessary
to take in an artless inexperienced countrymaid who was even afraid of
becoming a wanderer about the streets and therefore gladly jumpd at the first
offer of a shelter especially from so grave and matronlike a lady for such my
flattering fancy assured me this new mistress of mine was I being actually
hired under the nose of the good woman that kept the office whose shrewd smiles
and shrugs I could not help observing and innocently interpreted them as marks
of her being pleased at my getting into place so soon but as I afterwards came
to know these BELDAMS understood one another very well and this was a market
where Mrs Brown my mistress frequently attended on the watch for any fresh
goods that might offer there for the use of her customers and her own profit
Madam was however so well pleased with her bargain that fearing I
presume lest better advice or some accident might occasion my slipping through
her fingers she would officiously take me in a coach to my inn where calling
herself for my box it was I being present delivered without the least scruple
or explanation as to where I was going
This being over she bid the coachman drive to a shop in St Pauls
Churchyard where she bought a pair of gloves which she gave me and thence
renewed her directions to the coachman to drive to her house in street who
accordingly landed us at her door after I had been cheerd up and entertaind
by the way with the most plausible flams without one syllable from which I
could conclude anything but that I was by the greatest good luck fallen into
the hands of the kindest mistress not to say friend that the varsal world
could afford and accordingly I enterd her doors with most compleat confidence
and exultation promising myself that as soon as I should be a little settled
I would acquaint Esther Davis with my rare good fortune
You may be sure the good opinion of my place was not lessend by the
appearance of a very handsome back parlour into which I was led and which
seemed to me magnificently furnished who had never seen better rooms than the
ordinary ones in inns upon the road There were two gilt pierglasses and a
buffet on which a few pieces of plates set out to the most shew dazzled and
altogether persuaded me that I must be got into a very reputable family
Here my mistress first began her part with telling me that I must have good
spirits and learn to be free with her that she had not taken me to be a common
servant to do domestic drudgery but to be a kind of companion to her and that
if I would be a good girl she would do more than twenty mothers for me to all
which I answered only by the profoundest and the awkwardest curtsies and a few
monosyllables such as »yes no to be sure«
Presently my mistress touchd the bell and in came a strapping
maidservant who had let us in »Here Martha« said Mrs Brown »I have just
hird this young woman to look after my linen so step up and shew her her
chamber and I charge you to use her with as much respect as you would myself
for I have taken a prodigious liking to her and I do not know what I shall do
for her«
Martha who was an archjade and being used to this decoy had her cue
perfect made me a kind of half curtsy and asked me to walk up with her and
accordingly shewd me a neat room two pair of stairs backwards in which there
was a handsome bed where Martha told me I was to lie with a young gentlewoman
a cousin of my mistresss who she was sure would be vastly good to me Then she
ran out into such affected encomiums on her good mistress her sweet mistress
and how happy I was to light upon her that I could not have bespoke a better
with other the like gross stuff such as would itself have started suspicions in
any but such an unpractised simpleton who was perfectly new to life and who
took every word she said in the very sense she laid out for me to take it but
she readily saw what a penetration she had to deal with and measured me very
rightly in her manner of whistling to me so as to make me pleased with my cage
and blind to the wires
In the midst of these false explanations of the nature of my future service
we were rung for down again and I was reintroduced into the same parlour where
there was a table laid with three covers and my mistress had now got with her
one of her favourite girls a notable manager of her house and whose business
it was to prepare and break such young fillies as I was to the mountingblock
and she was accordingly in that view allotted me for a bedfellow and to
give her the more authority she had the title of cousin conferrd on her by the
venerable president of this college
Here I underwent a second survey which ended in the full approbation of
Mrs Phoebe Ayres the name of my tutoress elect to whose care and instructions
I was affectionately recommended
Dinner was now set on table and in pursuance of treating me as a companion
Mrs Brown with a tone to cut off all dispute soon overruld my most humble
and most confused protestations against sitting down with her LADYSHIP which my
very short breeding just suggested to me could not be right or in the order of
things
At table the conversation was chiefly kept up by the two madams and
carried on in doublemeaning expressions interrupted every now and then by kind
assurance to me all tending to confirm and fix my satisfaction with my present
condition augment it they could not so very a novice was I then
It was here agreed that I should keep myself up and out of sight for a few
days till such cloaths could be procured for me as were fit for the character I
was to appear in of my mistresss companion observing withal that on the
first impressions of my figure much might depend and as they well judged the
prospect of exchanging my country cloaths for London finery made the clause of
confinement digest perfectly well with me But the truth was Mrs Brown did not
care that I should be seen or talked to by any either of her customers or her
DOES as they calld the girls provided for them till she had secured a good
market for my maidenhead which I had at least all the appearances of having
brought into her LADYSHIPS service
To slip over minutes of no importance to the main of my story I pass the
interval to bedtime in which I was more and more pleasd with the views that
opened to me of an easy service under these good people and after supper being
shewd up to bed Miss Phoebe who observed a kind of reluctance in me to strip
and go to bed in my shift before her now the maid was withdrawn came up to
me and beginning with unpinning my handkerchief and gown soon encouraged me to
go on with undressing myself and still blushing at now seeing myself naked to
my shift I hurried to get under the bedcloaths out of sight Phoebe laughd
and was not long before she placed herself by my side She was about five and
twenty by her most suspicious account in which according to all appearances
she must have sunk at least ten good years allowance too being made for the
havoc which a long course of hackneyship and hot waters must have made of her
constitution and which had already brought on upon the spur that stale stage
in which those of her profession are reduced to think of SHOWING company
instead of SEEING it
No sooner then was this precious substitute of my mistresss laid down but
she who was never out of her way when any occasion of lewdness presented
itself turned to me embraced and kissd me with great eagerness This was new
this was odd but imputing it to nothing but pure kindness which for aught I
knew it might be the London way to express in that manner I was determind not
to be behindhand with her and returned her the kiss and embrace with all the
fervour that perfect innocence knew
Encouraged by this her hands became extremely free and wanderd over my
whole body with touches squeezes pressures that rather warmd and surprizd
me with their novelty than they either shockd or alarmd me
The flattering praises she intermingled with these invasions contributed
also not a little to bribe my passiveness and knowing no ill I feared none
especially from one who had prevented all doubt of her womanhood by conducting
my hands to a pair of breasts that hung loosely down in a size and volume that
full sufficiently distinguished her sex to me at least who had never made any
other comparison
I lay then all tame and passive as she could wish whilst her freedom raised
no other emotions but those of a strange and till then unfelt pleasure Every
part of me was open and exposed to the licentious courses of her hands which
like a lambent fire ran over my whole body and thawd all coldness as they
went
My breasts if it is not too bold a figure to call so two hard firm rising
hillocks that just began to shew themselves or signify anything to the touch
employd and amusd her hands awhile till slipping down lower over a smooth
track she could just feel the soft silky down that had but a few months before
put forth and garnishd the mountpleasant of those parts and promised to
spread a grateful shelter over the seat of the most exquisite sensation and
which had been till that instant the seat of the most insensible innocence
Her fingers playd and strove to twine in the young tendrils of that moss which
nature has contrived at once for use and ornament
But not contented with these outer posts she now attempts the main spot
and began to twitch to insinuate and at length to force an introduction of a
finger into the quick itself in such a manner that had she not proceeded by
insensible gradations that inflamed me beyond the power of modesty to oppose its
resistance to their progress I should have jumpd out of bed and cried for help
against such strange assaults
Instead of which her lascivious touches had lighted up a new fire that
wantond through all my veins but fixd with violence in that center appointed
them by nature where the first strange hands were now busied in feeling
squeezing compressing the lips then opening them again with a finger between
till an »Oh« expressd her hurting me where the narrowness of the unbroken
passage refused it entrance to any depth
In the meantime the extension of my limbs languid stretchings sighs
short heavings all conspired to assure that experienced wanton that I was more
pleased than offended at her proceedings which she seasoned with repeated
kisses and exclamations such as »Oh what a charming creature thou art
What a happy man will he be that first makes a woman of you Oh that I were
a man for your sake « with the like broken expressions interrupted by
kisses as fierce and fervent as ever I received from the other sex
For my part I was transported confused and out of myself feelings so new
were too much for me My heated and alarmd senses were in a tumult that robbed
me of all liberty of thought tears of pleasure gushd from my eyes and
somewhat assuaged the fire that ragd all over me
Phoebe herself the hackneyd thoroughbred Phoebe to whom all modes and
devices of pleasure were known and familiar found it seems in this exercise
of her art to break young girls the gratification of one of those arbitrary
tastes for which there is no accounting Not that she hated men or did not
even prefer them to her own sex but when she met with such occasions as this
was a satiety of enjoyments in the common road perhaps too a secret bias
inclined her to make the most of pleasure wherever she could find it without
distinction of sexes In this view now well assured that she had by her
touches sufficiently inflamed me for her purpose she rolld down the
bedcloaths gently and I saw myself stretched nakd my shift being turned up
to my neck whilst I had no power or sense to oppose it Even my glowing blushes
expressed more desire than modesty whilst the candle left to be sure not
undesignedly burning threw a full light on my whole body
»No« says Phoebe »you must not my sweet girl think to hide all these
treasures from me My sight must be feasted as well as my touch I must
devour with my eyes this springing BOSOM Suffer me to kiss it I have not
seen it enough Let me kiss it once more What firm smooth white flesh
is here How delicately shaped Then this delicious down Oh let me
view the small dear tender cleft This is too much I cannot bear it
I must I must « Here she took my hand and in a transport carried it
where you will easily guess But what a difference in the state of the same
thing A spreading thicket of bushy curls marked the fullgrown complete
woman Then the cavity to which she guided my hand easily received it and as
soon as she felt it within her she moved herself to and fro with so rapid a
friction that I presently withdrew it wet and clammy when instantly Phoebe
grew more composed after two or three sighs and heartfetched Ohs and giving
me a kiss that seemed to exhale her soul through her lips she replaced the
bedcloaths over us What pleasure she had found I will not say but this I
know that the first sparks of kindling nature the first ideas of pollution
were caught by me that night and that the acquaintance and communication with
the bad of our own sex is often as fatal to innocence as all the seductions of
the other But to go on When Phoebe was restord to that calm which I was far
from the enjoyment of myself she artfully sounded me on all the points
necessary to govern the designs of my virtuous mistress on me and by my
answers drawn from pure undissembled nature she had no reason but to promise
herself all imaginable success so far as it depended on my ignorance easiness
and warmth of constitution
After a sufficient length of dialogue my bedfellow left me to my rest and
I fell asleep through pure weariness from the violent emotions I had been led
into when nature which had been too warmly stird and fermented to subside
without allaying by some means or other relieved me by one of those luscious
dreams the transports of which are scarce inferior to those of waking real
action
In the morning I awoke about ten perfectly gay and refreshed Phoebe was up
before me and asked me in the kindest manner how I did how I had rested and
if I was ready for breakfast carefully at the same time avoiding to increase
the confusion she saw I was in at looking her in the face by any hint of the
nights bed scene I told her if she pleased I would get up and begin any work
she would be pleased to set me about She smild presently the maid brought in
the teaequipage and I had just huddled my cloaths on when in waddled my
mistress I expected no less than to be told of if not chid for my late
rising when I was agreeably disappointed by her compliments on my pure and
fresh looks I was »a bud of beauty« this was her style »and how vastly all
the fine men would admire me« to all which my answers did not I can assure
you wrong my breeding they were as simple and silly as they could wish and
no doubt flattered them infinitely more than had they proved me enlightened by
education and a knowledge of the world
We breakfasted and the tea things were scarce removed when in were brought
two bundles of linen and wearing apparel in short all the necessaries for
rigging me out as they termed it completely
Imagine to yourself Madam how my little coquette heart flutterd with joy
at the sight of a white lutestring flowerd with silver scoured indeed but
passed on me for spickandspan new a Brussels lace cap braided shoes and the
rest in proportion all secondhand finery and procured instantly for the
occasion by the diligence and industry of the good Mrs Brown who had already
a chapman for me in the house before whom my charms were to pass in review for
he had not only in course insisted on a previous sight of the premises but
also on immediate surrender to him in case of his agreeing for me concluding
very wisely that such a place as I was in was of the hottest to trust the
keeping of such a perishable commodity in as a maidenhead
The care of dressing and tricking me out for the market was then left to
Phoebe who acquitted herself if not well at least perfectly to the
satisfaction of every thing but my impatience of seeing myself dressd When it
was over and I viewd myself in the glass I was no doubt too natural too
artless to hide my childish joy at the change a change in the real truth for
much the worse since I must have much better become the neat easy simplicity of
my rustic dress than the awkward untoward taudry finery that I could not
conceal my strangeness to
Phoebes compliments however in which her own share in dressing me was not
forgot did not a little confirm me in the first notions I had ever entertained
concerning my person which be it said without vanity was then tolerable to
justify a taste for me and of which it may not be out of place here to sketch
you an unflatterd picture
I was tall yet not too tall for my age which as I before remarkd was
barely turned of fifteen my shape perfectly straight thin waisted and light
and free without owing any thing to stays my hair was a glossy auburn and as
soft as silk flowing down my neck in natural buckles and did not a little set
off the whiteness of a smooth skin my face was rather too ruddy though its
features were delicate and the shape a roundish oval except where a pit on my
chin had far from a disagreeable effect my eyes were as black as can be
imagind and rather languishing than sparkling except on certain occasions
when I have been told they struck fire fast enough my teeth which I ever
carefully perservd were small even and white my bosom was finely raisd and
one might then discern rather the promise than the actual growth of the round
firm breasts that in a little time made that promise good In short all the
points of beauty that are most universally in request I had or at least my
vanity forbade me to appeal from the decision of our sovereign judges the men
who all that I ever knew at least gave it thus highly in my favour and I met
with even in my own sex some that were above denying me that justice whilst
others praised me yet more unsuspectedly by endeavouring to detract from me in
points of person and figure that I obviously excelled in This is I own too
strong of self praise but should I not be ungrateful to nature and to a form
to which I owe such singular blessings of pleasure and fortune were I to
suppress through an affectation of modesty the mention of such valuable gifts
Well then dressd I was and little did it then enter into my head that all
this gay attire was no more than decking the victim out for sacrifice whilst I
innocently attributed all to mere friendship and kindness in the sweet good Mrs
Brown who I was forgetting to mention had under pretence of keeping my money
safe got from me without the least hesitation the driblet so I now call it
which remained to me after the expences of my journey
After some little time most agreeably spent before the glass in scarce
selfadmiration since my new dress had by much the greatest share in it I was
sent for down to the parlour where the old lady saluted me and wished me joy
of my new cloaths which she was not ashamd to say fitted me as if I had worn
nothing but the finest all my lifetime but what was it she could not see me
silly enough to swallow At the same time she presented me to another cousin of
her own creation an elderly gentleman who got up at my entry into the room
and on my dropping a curtsy to him saluted me and seemed a little affronted
that I had only presented my cheek to him a mistake which if one he
immediately corrected by glewing his lips to mine with an ardour which his
figure had not at all disposed me to thank him for his figure I say than
which nothing could be more shocking or detestable for ugly and disagreeable
were terms too gentle to convey a just idea of it
Imagine to yourself a man rather past threescore short and illmade with a
yellow cadaverous hue great goggling eyes that stared as if he was strangled
an outmouth from two more properly tusks than teeth livid lips and breath
like a jakes then he had a peculiar ghastliness in his grin that made him
perfectly frightful if not dangerous to women with child yet made as he was
thus in mock of man he was so blind to his own staring deformities as to think
himself born for pleasing and that no woman could see him with impunity in
consequence of which idea he had lavishd great sums on such wretches as could
gain upon themselves to pretend love to his person whilst to those who had not
art or patience to dissemble the horror it inspird he behaved even brutally
Impotence more than necessity made him seek in variety the provocative that
was wanting to raise him to the pitch of enjoyment which too he often saw
himself baulked of by the failure of his powers and this always threw him into
a fit of rage which he wreakd as far as he durst on the innocent objects of
his fit of momentary desire
This then was the monster to which my conscientious benefactress who had
long been his purveyor in this way had doomd me and sent for me down
purposely for his examination Accordingly she made me stand up before him
turnd me round unpinnd my handkerchief remarkd to him the rise and fall
the turn and whiteness of a bosom just beginning to fill then made me walk and
took even a handle from the rusticity of my gait to inflame the inventory of my
charms in short she omitted no point of jockeyship to which he only answerd
by gracious nods of approbation whilst he lookd goats and monkies at me for I
sometimes stole a corner glance at him and encountering his fiery eager stare
looked another way from pure horror and affright which he doubtless in
character attributed to nothing more than maiden modesty or at least the
affectation of it
However I was soon dismissd and reconducted to my room by Phoebe who
stuck close to me not leaving me alone and at leisure to make such reflections
as might naturally rise to any one not an idiot on such a scene as I had just
gone through but to my shame be it confessd such was my invincible stupidity
or rather portentous innocence that I did not yet open my eyes to Mrs Browns
designs and saw nothing in this titular cousin of hers but a shocking hideous
person which did not at all concern me unless that my gratitude for my
benefactress made me extend my respect to all her cousinhood
Phoebe however began to sift the state and pulses of my heart towards this
monster asking me how I should approve of such a fine gentleman for a husband
fine gentleman I suppose she called him from his being daubed with lace I
answered her very naturally that I had no thoughts of a husband but that if I
was to choose one it should be among my own degree sure So much had my
aversion to that wretchs hideous figure indisposed me to all fine gentlemen
and confounded my ideas as if those of that rank had been necessarily cast in
the same mould that he was But Phoebe was not to be beat off so but went on
with her endeavours to melt and soften me for the purposes of my reception into
that hospitable house and whilst she talked of the sex in general she had no
reason to despair of a compliance which more than one reason shewed her would
be easily enough obtained of me but then she had too much experience not to
discover that my particular fixd aversion to that frightful cousin would be a
block not so readily to be removed as suited the consummation of their bargain
and sale of me
Mother Brown had in the mean time agreed the terms with this liquorish old
goat which I afterwards understood were to be fifty guineas peremptory for the
liberty of attempting me and a hundred more at the compleat gratification of
his desires in the triumph over my virginity and as for me I was to be left
entirely at the discretion of his liking and generosity This unrighteous
contract being thus settled he was so eager to be put in possession that he
insisted on being introducd to drink tea with me that afternoon when we were
to be left alone nor would he hearken to the procuresss remonstrances that I
was not sufficiently prepared and ripened for such an attack that I was too
green and untamd having been scarce twentyfour hours in the house it is the
character of lust to be impatient and his vanity arming him against any
supposition of other than the common resistance of a maid on those occasions
made him reject all proposals of a delay and my dreadful trial was thus fixd
unknown to me for that very evening
At dinner Mrs Brown and Phoebe did nothing but run riot in praises of this
wonderful cousin and how happy that woman would be that he would favour with
his addresses in short my two gossips exhausted all their rhetoric to persuade
me to accept them »that the gentleman was violently smitten with me at first
sight that he would make my fortune if I would be a good girl and not stand
in my own light that I should trust his honour that I should be made for
ever and have a chariot to go abroad in « with all such stuff as was fit to
turn the head of such a silly ignorant girl as I then was but luckily here my
aversion had taken already such deep root in me my heart was so strongly
defended from him by my senses that wanting the art to mask my sentiments I
gave them no hopes of their employers succeeding at least very easily with
me The glass too marchd pretty quick with a view I suppose to make a friend
of the warmth of my constitution in the minutes of the imminent attack
Thus they kept me pretty long at table and about six in the evening after
I was retired to my own apartment and the tea board was set enters my
venerable mistress followd close by that satyr who came in grinning in a way
peculiar to him and by his odious presence confirmd me in all the sentiments
of detestation which his first appearance had given birth to
He sat down fronting me and all tea time kept ogling me in a manner that
gave me the utmost pain and confusion all the marks of which he still explained
to be my bashfulness and not being used to see company
Tea over the commoding old lady pleaded urgent business which indeed was
true to go out and earnestly desird me to entertain her cousin kindly till
she came back both for my own sake and hers and then with a »Pray sir be
very good be very tender of the sweet child« she went out of the room leaving
me staring with my mouth open and unprepard by the suddenness of her
departure to oppose it
We were now alone and on that idea a sudden fit of trembling seizd me I
was so afraid without a precise notion of why and what I had to fear that I
sat on the settee by the fireside motionless and petrified without life or
spirit not knowing how to look or how to stir
But long I was not suffered to remain in this state of stupefaction the
monster squatted down by me on the settee and without farther ceremony or
preamble flings his arms about my neck and drawing me pretty forcibly towards
him obligd me to receive in spite of my struggles to disengage from him his
pestilential kisses which quite overcame me Finding me then next to senseless
and unresisting he tears off my neck handkerchief and laid all open there to
his eyes and hands still I endurd all without flinching till emboldend by my
sufferance and silence for I had not the power to speak or cry out he
attempted to lay me down on the settee and I felt his hand on the lower part of
my naked thighs which were crossd and which he endeavoured to unlock Oh
then I was roused out of my passive endurance and springing from him with an
activity he was not prepard for threw myself at his feet and beggd him in
the most moving tone not to be rude and that he would not hurt me »Hurt
you my dear« says the brute »I intend you no harm has not the old lady
told you that I love you that I shall do handsomely by you« »She has
indeed sir« said I »but I cannot love you indeed I cannot pray let me
alone yes I will love you dearly if you will let me alone and go away «
But I was talking to the wind for whether my tears my attitude or the
disorder of my dress provd fresh incentives or whether he was now under the
dominion of desires he could not bridle but snorting and foaming with lust and
rage he renews his attack seizes me and again attempts to extend and fix me
on the settee in which he succeeded so far as to lay me along and even to toss
my petticoats over my head and lay my thighs bare which I obstinately kept
close nor could he though he attempted with his knee to force them open
effect it so as to stand fair for being master of the main avenue he was
unbuttoned both waistcoat and breeches yet I only felt the weight of his body
upon me whilst I lay struggling with indignation and dying with terrors but
he stopped all of a sudden and got off panting blowing cursing and
repeating »old and ugly« for so I had very naturally called him in the heat of
my defence
The brute had it seems as I afterwards understood brought on by his
eagerness and struggle the ultimate period of his hot fit of lust which his
power was too shortlivd to carry him through the full execution of of which my
thighs and linen received the effusion
When it was over he bid me with a tone of displeasure get up saying that
he would not do me the honour to think of me any more that the old bitch
might look out for another cully that he would not be foold so by eer a
country mock modesty in England that he supposed I had left my maidenhead
with some hobnail in the country and was come to dispose of my skimmilk in
town with a volley of the like abuse which I listened to with more pleasure
than ever fond woman did to protestations of love from her darling minion for
incapable as I was of receiving any addition to my perfect hatred and aversion
to him I lookd on this railing as my security against his renewing his most
odious caresses
Yet plain as Mrs Browns views were now come out I had not the heart or
spirit to open my eyes to them still I could not part with my dependence on
that beldam so much did I think myself hers soul and body or rather I
sought to deceive myself with the continuation of my good opinion of her and
chose to wait the worst at her hands sooner than be turnd out to starve in the
streets without a penny of money or a friend to apply to these fears were my
folly
Whilst this confusion of ideas was passing in my head and I sat pensive by
the fire with my eyes brimming with tears my neck still bare and my cap
falln off in the struggle so that my hair was in the disorder you may guess
the villains lust began I suppose to be again in flow at the sight of all
that bloom of youth which presented itself to his view a bloom yet unenjoyd
and of course not yet indifferent to him
After some pause he askd me with a tone of voice mightily softened
whether I would make it up with him before the old lady returned and all should
be well he would restore me his affections at the same time offering to kiss
me and feel my breasts But now my extreme aversion my fears my indignation
all acting upon me gave me a spirit not natural to me so that breaking loose
from him I ran to the bell and rang it before he was aware with such violence
and effect as brought up the maid to know what was the matter or whether the
gentleman wanted any thing and before he could proceed to greater extremities
she bouncd into the room and seeing me stretchd on the floor my hair all
dishevelld my nose gushing out blood which did not a little tragedize the
scene and my odious persecutor still intent of pushing his brutal point
unmoved by all my cries and distress she was herself confounded and did not
know what to say
As much however as Martha might be prepared and hardened to transactions
of this sort all womanhood must have been out of her heart could she have seen
this unmovd Besides that on the face of things she imagined that matters had
gone greater lengths than they really had and that the courtesy of the house
had been actually consummated on me and flung me into the condition I was in
in this notion she instantly took my part and advisd the gentleman to go down
and leave me to recover myself and »that all would be soon over with me
that when Mrs Brown and Phoebe who were gone out were returnd they would
take order for every thing to his satisfaction that nothing would be lost by
a little patience with the poor tender thing that for her part she was
frightend she could not tell what to say to such doings but that she
would stay by me till my mistress came home« As the wench said all this in a
resolute tone and the monster himself began to perceive that things would not
mend by his staying he took his hat and went out of the room murmuring and
pleating his brows like an old ape so that I was delivered from the horrors of
his detestable presence
As soon as he was gone Martha very tenderly offered me her assistance in
any thing and would have got me some hartshorn drops and put me to bed which
last I at first positively refused in the fear that the monster might return
and take me at that advantage However with much persuasion and assurances
that I should not be molested that night she prevailed on me to lie down and
indeed I was so weakened by my struggles so dejected by my fearful
apprehensions so terrorstruck that I had not power to sit up or hardly to
give answers to the questions with which the curious Martha plyd and perplexd
me
Such too and so cruel was my fate that I dreaded the sight of Mrs Brown
as if I had been the criminal and she the person injurd a mistake which you
will not think so strange on distinguishing that neither virtue nor principles
had the least share in the defence I had made but only the particular aversion
I had conceivd against the first brutal and frightful invader of my tender
innocence
I passd then the time till Mrs Browns return home under all the
agitations of fear and despair that may easily be guessed
About eleven at night my two ladies came home and having receivd rather a
favourable account from Martha who had run down to let them in for Mr Crofts
that was the name of my brute was gone out of the house after waiting till he
had tired his patience for Mrs Browns return they came thundering upstairs
and seeing me pale my face bloody and all the marks of the most thorough
dejection they employed themselves more to comfort and reinspirit me than in
making me the reproaches I was weak enough to fear I who had so many juster and
stronger to retort upon them
Mrs Brown withdrawn Phoebe came presently to bed to me and what with the
answers she drew from me what with her own method of palpably satisfying
herself she soon discovered that I had been more frighted than hurt upon which
I suppose being herself seizd with sleep and reserving her lectures and
instructions till the next morning she left me properly speaking to my
unrest for after tossing and turning the greatest part of the night and
tormenting myself with the falsest notions and apprehensions of things I fell
through mere fatigue into a kind of delirious doze out of which I waked late
in the morning in a violent fever a circumstance which was extremely critical
to reprieve me at least for a time from the attacks of a wretch infinitely
more terrible to me than death itself
The interested care that was taken of me during my illness in order to
restore me to a condition of making good the bawds engagements or of enduring
further trials had however such an effect on my grateful disposition that I
even thought myself obligd to my undoers for their attention to promote my
recovery and above all for the keeping out of my sight of that brutal
ravisher the author of my disorder on their finding I was too strongly movd
at the bare mention of his name
Youth is soon raised and a few days were sufficient to conquer the fury of
my fever but what contributed most to my perfect recovery and to my
reconciliation with life was the timely news that Mr Crofts who was a
merchant of considerable dealings was arrested at the Kings suit for nearly
forty thousand pounds on account of his driving a certain contraband trade and
that his affairs were so desperate that even were it in his inclination it
would not be in his power to renew his designs upon me for he was instantly
thrown into a prison which it was not likely he would get out of in haste
Mrs Brown who had touched his fifty guineas advancd to so little
purpose and lost all hopes of the remaining hundred began to look upon my
treatment of him with a more favourable eye and as they had observd my temper
to be perfectly tractable and conformable to their views all the girls that
composd her flock were suffered to visit me and had their cue to dispose me
by their conversation to a perfect resignation of myself to Mrs Browns
direction
Accordingly they were let in upon me and all that frolic and thoughtless
gaiety in which those giddy creatures consume their leisure made me envy a
condition of which I only saw the fair side insomuch that the being one of
them became even my ambition a disposition which they all carefully cultivated
and I wanted now nothing but to restore my health that I might be able to
undergo the ceremony of the initiation
Conversation example all in short contributed in that house to corrupt
my native purity which had taken no root in education whilst now the
inflammable principal of pleasure so easily fired at my age made strange work
within me and all the modesty I was brought up in the habit not the
instruction of began to melt away like dew before the suns heat not to
mention that I made a vice of necessity from the constant fears I had of being
turnd out to starve
I was soon pretty well recoverd and at certain hours allowd to range all
over the house but cautiously kept from seeing any company till the arrival of
Lord B from Bath to whom Mrs Brown in respect to his experienced
generosity on such occasions proposed to offer the perusal of that trinket of
mine which bears so great an imaginary value and his lordship being expected
in town in less than a fortnight Mrs Brown judged I would be entirely renewed
in beauty and freshness by that time and afford her the chance of a better
bargain than she had driven with Mr Crofts
In the meantime I was so thoroughly as they call it brought over so tame
to their whistle that had my cage door been set open I had no idea that I
ought to fly anywhere sooner than stay where I was nor had I the least sense
of regretting my condition but waited very quietly for whatever Mrs Brown
should order concerning me who on her side by herself and her agents took
more than the necessary precautions to lull and lay asleep all just reflections
on my destination
Preachments of morality over the left shoulder a life of joy painted in the
gayest colours caresses promises indulgent treatment nothing in short was
wanting to domesticate me entirely and to prevent my going out anywhere to get
better advice Alas I dreamd of no such thing
Hitherto I had been indebted only to the girls of the house for the
corruption of my innocence their luscious talk in which modesty was far from
respected their description of their engagements with men had given me a
tolerable insight into the nature and mysteries of their profession at the same
time that they highly provokd an itch of florid warmspirited blood through
every vein but above all my bedfellow Phoebe whose pupil I more immediately
was exerted her talents in giving me the first tinctures of pleasure whilst
nature now warmd and wantoned with discoveries so interesting piqud a
curiosity which Phoebe artfully whetted and leading me from question to
question of her own suggestion explaind to me all the mysteries of Venus But
I could not long remain in such a house as that without being an eyewitness of
more than I could conceive from her descriptions
One day about twelve at noon being thoroughly recoverd of my fever I
happend to be in Mrs Browns dark closet where I had not been half an hour
resting upon the maids settlebed before I heard a rustling in the
bedchamber separated from the closet only by two sashdoors before the
glasses of which were drawn two yellow damask curtains but not so close as to
exclude the full view of the room from any person in the closet
I instantly crept softly and posted myself so that seeing every thing
minutely I could not myself be seen and who should come in but the venerable
mother Abbess herself handed in by a tall brawny young Horsegrenadier moulded
in the Hercules style in fine the choice of the most experienced dame in
those affairs in all London
Oh how still and hush did I keep at my stand lest any noise should baulk
my curiosity or bring Madam into the closet
But I had not much reason to fear either for she was so entirely taken up
with her present great concern that she had no sense of attention to spare to
any thing else
Droll was it to see that clumsy fat figure of hers flop down on the foot of
the bed opposite to the closetdoor so that I had a full frontview of all her
charms
Her paramour sat down by her he seemed to be a man of very few words and a
great stomach for proceeding instantly to essentials he gave her some hearty
smacks and thrusting his hands into her breasts disengagd them from her
stays in scorn of whose confinement they broke loose and swagged down
navellow at least A more enormous pair did my eyes never behold nor of a
worse colour flaggingsoft and most lovingly contiguous yet such as they
were this neckbeef eater seemd to paw them with a most uninvitable gust
seeking in vain to confine or cover one of them with a hand scarce less than a
shoulder of mutton After toying with them thus some time as if they had been
worth it he laid her down pretty briskly and canting up her petticoats made
barely a mask of them to her broad red face that blushd with nothing but
brandy
As he stood on one side for a minute or so unbuttoning his waistcoat and
breeches her fat brawny thighs hung down and the whole greasy landscape lay
fairly open to my view a wide openmouthd gap overshaded with a grizzly bush
seemed held out like a beggars wallet for its provision
But I soon had my eyes called off by a more striking object that entirely
engrossd them
Her sturdy stallion had now unbuttond and produced naked stiff and
erect that wonderful machine which I had never seen before and which for the
interest my own seat of pleasure began to take furiously in it I stard at with
all the eyes I had however my senses were too much flurried too much
concenterd in that now burning spot of mine to observe any thing more than in
general the make and turn of that instrument from which the instinct of nature
yet more than all I had heard of it now strongly informed me I was to expect
that supreme pleasure which she had placed in the meeting of those parts so
admirably fitted for each other
Long however the young spark did not remain before giving it two or three
shakes by way of brandishing it he threw himself upon her and his back being
now towards me I could only take his being ingulphd for granted by the
directions he movd in and the impossibility of missing so staring a mark and
now the bed shook the curtains rattled so that I could scarce hear the sighs
and murmurs the heaves and pantings that accompanied the action from the
beginning to the end the sound and sight of which thrilld to the very soul of
me and made every vein of my body circulate liquid fires the emotion grew so
violent that it almost intercepted my respiration
Prepared then and disposed as I was by the discourse of my companions and
Phoebes minute detail of everything no wonder that such a sight gave the last
dying blow to my native innocence
Whilst they were in the heat of the action guided by nature only I stole
my hand up my petticoats and with fingers all on fire seized and yet more
inflamed that center of all my senses my heart palpitated as if it would force
its way through my bosom I breathd with pain I twisted my thighs squeezed
and compressed the lips of that virgin slit and following mechanically the
example of Phoebes manual operation on it as far as I could find admission
brought on at last the critical extasy the melting flow into which nature
spent with excess of pleasure dissolves and dies away
After which my senses recoverd coolness enough to observe the rest of the
transaction between this happy pair
The young fellow had just dismounted when the old lady immediately sprung
up with all the vigour of youth derived no doubt from her late refreshment
and making him sit down began in her turn to kiss him to pat and pinch his
cheeks and play with his hair all which he receivd with an air of
indifference and coolness that shewd him to me much altered from what he was
when he first went on to the breach
My pious governess however not being above calling in auxiliaries unlocks
a little case of cordials that stood near the bed and made him pledge her in a
very plentiful dram after which and a little amorous parley Madam sat herself
down upon the same place at the beds foot and the young fellow standing
sideway by her she with the greatest effrontery imaginable unbuttons his
breeches and removing his shirt draws out his affair so shrunk and
diminishd that I could not but remember the difference now crestfallen or
just faintly lifting its head but our experiencd matron very soon by chafing
it with her hands brought it to swell to that size and erection I had before
seen it up to
I admired then upon a fresh account and with a nicer survey the texture
of that capital part of man the flaming red head as it stood uncapt the
whiteness of the shaft and the shrub growth of curling hair that embrowned the
roots of it the roundish bag that dangled down from it all exacted my eager
attention and renewed my flame But as the main affair was now at the point
the industrious dame had laboured to bring it to she was not in the humour to
put off the payment of her pains but laying herself down drew him gently upon
her and thus they finishd in the same manner as before the old last act
This over they both went out lovingly together the old lady having first
made him a present as near as I could observe of three or four pieces he
being not only her particular favourite on account of his performances but a
retainer to the house from whose sight she had taken great care hitherto to
secrete me lest he might not have had patience to wait for my lords arrival
but have insisted on being his taster which the old lady was under too much
subjection to him to dare dispute with him for every girl of the house fell to
him in course and the old lady only now and then got her turn in consideration
of the maintenance he had and which he could scarce be accused of not earning
from her
As soon as I heard them go downstairs I stole up softly to my own room
out of which I had luckily not been missd there I began to breathe freer and
to give a loose to those warm emotions which the sight of such an encounter had
raised in me I laid me down on the bed stretched myself out joining and
ardently wishing and requiring any means to divert or allay the rekindled rage
and tumult of my desires which all pointed strongly to their pole man I felt
about the bed as if I sought for something that I graspd in my waking dream
and not finding it could have cryd for vexation every part of me glowing with
stimulating fires At length I resorted to the only present remedy that of
vain attempts at digitation where the smallness of the theatre did not yet
afford room enough for action and where the pain my fingers gave me in
striving for admission tho they procured me a slight satisfaction for the
present started an apprehension which I could not be easy till I had
communicated to Phoebe and received her explanations upon it
The opportunity however did not offer till next morning for Phoebe did
not come to bed till long after I was gone to sleep As soon then as we were
both awake it was but in course to bring our lyabed chat to land on the
subject of my uneasiness to which a recital of the love scene I had thus by
chance been spectatress of servd for a preface
Phoebe could not hear it to the end without more than one interruption by
peals of laughter and my ingenuous way of relating matters did not a little
heighten the joke to her
But on her sounding me how the sight had affected me without mincing or
hiding the pleasurable emotions it had inspird me with I told her at the same
time that one remark had perplexd me and that very considerably »Aye« says
she »what was that« »Why« replied I »having very curiously and attentively
compared the size of that enormous machine which did not appear at least to my
fearful imagination less than my wrist and at least three of my handfuls long
to that of the tender small part of me which was framed to receive it I can not
conceive its being possible to afford it entrance without dying perhaps in the
greatest pain since you well know that even a finger thrust in there hurts me
beyond bearing As to my mistresss and yours I can plainly distinguish the
different dimensions of them from mine palpable to the touch and visible to
the eye so that in short great as the promisd pleasure may be I am afraid
of the pain of the experiment«
Phoebe at this redoubled her laugh and whilst I expected a very serious
solution of my doubts and apprehensions in this matter only told me that she
never heard of a mortal wound being given in those parts by that terrible
weapon and that some she knew younger and as delicately made as myself had
outlived the operation that she believed at the worst I should take a great
deal of killing that true it was there was a great diversity of sizes in those
parts owing to nature childbearing frequent overstretching with unmerciful
machines but that at a certain age and habit of body even the most experiencd
in those affairs could not well distinguish between the maid and the woman
supposing too an absence of all artifice and things in their natural situation
but that since chance had thrown in my way one sight of that sort she would
procure me another that should feast my eyes more delicately and go a great
way in the cure of my fears from that imaginary disproportion
On this she asked me if I knew Polly Philips »Undoubtedly« says I »the
fair girl which was so tender of me when I was sick and has been as you told
me but two months in the house« »The same« says Phoebe »You must know then
she is kept by a young Genoese merchant whom his uncle who is immensely rich
and whose darling he is sent over here with an English merchant his friend on
a pretext of settling some accounts but in reality to humour his inclinations
for travelling and seeing the world He met casually with this Polly once in
company and taking a liking to her makes it worth her while to keep entirely
to him He comes to her here twice or thrice a week and she receives him in her
light closet up one pair of stairs where he enjoys her in a taste I suppose
peculiar to the heat or perhaps the caprices of his own country I say no more
but tomorrow being his day you shall see what passes between them from a
place only known to your mistress and myself«
You may be sure in the ply I was now taking I had no objection to the
proposal and was rather a tiptoe for its accomplishment
At five in the evening next day Phoebe punctual to her promise came to
me as I sat alone in my own room and beckond me to follow her
We went down the backstairs very softly and opening the door of a dark
closet where there was some old furniture kept and some cases of liquor she
drew me in after her and fastening the door upon us we had no light but what
came through a long crevice in the partition between ours and the light closet
where the scene of action lay so that sitting on those low cases we could
with the greatest ease as well as clearness see all objects ourselves
unseen only by applying our eyes close to the crevice where the moulding of a
panel had warped or started a little on the other side
The young gentleman was the first person I saw with his back directly
towards me looking at a print Polly was not yet come in less than a minute
tho the door opened and she came in and at the noise the door made he turned
about and came to meet her with an air of the greatest tenderness and
satisfaction
After saluting her he led her to a couch that fronted us where they both
sat down and the young Genoese helpd her to a glass of wine with some Naples
bisket on a salver
Presently when they had exchanged a few kisses and questions in broken
English on one side he began to unbutton and in fine stript to his shirt
As if this had been the signal agreed on for pulling off all their cloaths
a scheme which the heat of the season perfectly favoured Polly began to draw
her pins and as she had no stays to unlace she was in a trice with her
gallants officious assistance undressd to all but her shift
When he saw this his breeches were immediately loosend waist and knee
bands and slipped over his ankles clean off his shirt collar was unbuttoned
too then first giving Polly an encouraging kiss he stole as it were the
shift off the girl who being I suppose broke and familiarizd to this humour
blushd indeed but less than I did at the apparition of her now standing
starknaked just as she came out of the hands of pure nature with her black
hair loose and afloat down her dazzling white neck and shoulders whilst the
deepend carnation of her cheeks went off gradually into the hue of glazd snow
for such were the blended tints and polish of her skin
This girl could not be above eighteen her face regular and sweetfeaturd
her shape exquisite nor could I help envying her two ripe enchanting breasts
finely plumpd out in flesh but withal so round so firm that they sustaind
themselves in scorn of any stay then their nipples pointing different ways
markd their pleasing separation beneath them lay the delicious tract of the
belly which terminated in a parting or rift scarce discernible that modestly
seemd to retire downwards and seek shelter between two plump fleshy thighs
the curling hair that overspread its delightful front cloathed it with the
richest sable fur in the universe in short she was evidently a subject for the
painters to court her sitting to them for a pattern of female beauty in all the
true pride and pomp of nakedness
The young Italian still in his shirt stood gazing and transported at the
sight of beauties that might have fird a dying hermit his eager eyes devourd
her as she shifted attitudes at his discretion neither were his hands excluded
their share of the high feast but wanderd on the hunt of pleasure over every
part and inch of her body so qualified to afford the most exquisite sense of
it
In the mean time one could not help observing the swell of his shirt
before that bolsterd out and shewed the condition of things behind the
curtain but he soon removd it by slipping his shirt over his head and now
as to nakedness they had nothing to reproach one another
The young gentleman by Phoebes guess was about two and twenty tall and
well limbd His body was finely formd and of a most vigorous make
squareshoulderd and broadchested his face was not remarkable in any way
but for a nose inclining to the Roman eyes large black and sparkling and a
ruddiness in his cheeks that was the more a grace for his complexion was of the
brownest not of that dusky dun colour which excludes the idea of freshness but
of that clear olive gloss which glowing with life dazzles perhaps less than
fairness and yet pleases more when it pleases at all His hair being too
short to tie fell no lower than his neck in short easy curls and he had a few
sprigs about his paps that garnishd his chest in a style of strength and
manliness Then his grand movement which seemd to rise out of a thicket of
curling hair that spread from the root all round thighs and belly up to the
navel stood stiff and upright but of a size to frighten me by sympathy for
the small tender part which was the object of its fury and which now lay
exposd to my fairest view for he had immediately on stripping off his shirt
gently pushd her down on the couch which stood conveniently to break her
willing fall Her thighs were spread out to their utmost extension and
discovered between them the mark of the sex the redcenterd cleft of flesh
whose lips vermilioning inwards exprest a small rubid line in sweet miniature
such as Guidos touch of colouring could never attain to the life or delicacy
of
Phoebe at this gave me a gentle jog to prepare me for a whispered
question whether I thought my little maidenhead was much less But my attention
was too much engrossd too much enwrappd with all I saw to be able to give
her any answer
By this time the young gentleman had changed her posture from lying breadth
to lengthwise on the couch but her thighs were still spread and the mark lay
fair for him who now kneeling between them displayd to us a sideview of that
fierce erect machine of his which threatend no less than splitting the tender
victim who lay smiling at the uplifted stroke nor seemd to decline it He
looked upon his weapon himself with some pleasure and guiding it with his hand
to the inviting slit drew aside the lips and lodgd it after some thrusts
which Polly seemd even to assist about half way but there it stuck I suppose
from its growing thickness he draws it again and just wetting it with spittle
reenters and with ease sheathd it now up to the hilt at which Polly gave a
deep sigh which was quite another tone than one of pain he thrusts she
heaves at first gently and in a regular cadence but presently the transport
began to be too violent to observe any order or measure their motions were too
rapid their kisses too fierce and fervent for nature to support such fury long
both seemd to me out of themselves their eyes darted fires »Oh oh I
cant bear it It is too much I die I am going « were Pollys
expressions of extasy his joys were more silent but soon broken murmurs sighs
heartfetchd and at length a dispatching thrust as if he would have forced
himself up her body and then motionless languor of all his limbs all shewed
that the dieaway moment was come upon him which she gave signs of joining
with by the wild throwing of her hands about closing her eyes and giving a
deep sob in which she seemed to expire in an agony of bliss
When he had finishd his stroke and got from off her she lay still without
the least motion breathless as it should seem with pleasure He replaced her
again breadthwise on the couch unable to sit up with her thighs open between
which I could observe a kind of white liquid like froth hanging about the
outward lips of that recently opened wound which now glowed with a deeper red
Presently she gets up and throwing her arms round him seemed far from
undelighted with the trial he had put her to to judge at least by the fondness
with which she eyd and hung upon him
For my part I will not pretend to describe what I felt all over me during
this scene but from that instant adieu all fears of what man could do unto me
they were now changed into such ardent desires such ungovernable longings that
I could have pulld the first of that sex that should present himself by the
sleeve and offered him the bauble which I now imagined the loss of would be a
gain I could not too soon procure myself
Phoebe who had more experience and to whom such sights were not so new
could not however be unmoved at so warm a scene and drawing me away softly from
the peephole for fear of being overheard guided me as near the door as
possible all passive and obedient to her least signals
Here was no room either to sit or lie but making me stand with my back
towards the door she lifted up my petticoats and with her busy fingers fell to
visit and explore that part of me where now the heat and irritations were so
violent that I was perfectly sick and ready to die with desire that the bare
touch of her finger in that critical place had the effect of a fire to a
train and her hand instantly made her sensible to what a pitch I was wound up
and melted by the sight she had thus procured me Satisfied then with her
success in allaying a heat that would have made me impatient of seeing the
continuation of the transactions between our amourous couple she brought me
again to the crevice so favourable to our curiosity
We had certainly been but a few instants away from it and yet on our return
we saw every thing in good forwardness for recommencing the tender hostilities
The young foreigner was sitting down fronting us on the couch with Polly
upon one knee who had her arms round his neck whilst the extreme whiteness of
her skin was not undelightfully contrasted by the smooth glossy brown of her
lovers
But who could count the fierce unnumberd kisses given and taken in which
I could often discover their exchanging the velvet thrust when both their
mouths were double tongued and seemed to favour the mutual insertion with the
greatest gust and delight
In the mean time his redheaded champion that has so lately fled the pit
quelld and abashd was now recoverd to the top of his condition perkd and
crested up between Pollys thighs who was not wanting on her part to coax and
keep it in good humour stroking it with her head down and received even its
velvet tip between the lips of not its proper mouth whether she did this out of
any particular pleasure or whether it was to render it more glib and easy of
entrance I could not tell but it had such an effect that the young gentleman
seemd by his eyes that sparkled with more excited lustre and his inflamed
countenance to receive increase of pleasure He got up and taking Polly in his
arms embraced her and said something too softly for me to hear leading her
withal to the foot of the couch and taking delight to slap her thighs and
posteriors with that stiff sinew of his which hit them with a spring that he
gave it with his hand and made them resound again but hurt her about as much
as he meant to hurt her for she seemed to have as frolic a taste as himself
But guess my surprise when I saw the lazy young rogue lie down on his back
and gently pull down Polly upon him who giving way to his humour straddled
and with her hands conducted her blind favourite to the right place and
following her impulse ran directly upon the flaming point of this weapon of
pleasure which she stakd herself upon up piercd and infixd to the
extremest hairbreadth of it thus she sat on him a few instants enjoying and
relishing her situation whilst he toyed with her provoking breasts Sometimes
she would stoop to meet his kiss but presently the sting of pleasure spurrd
them up to fiercer action then began the storm of heaves which from the
undermost combatant were thrusts at the same time he crossing his hands over
her and drawing her home to him with a sweet violence the inverted strokes of
anvil over hammer soon brought on the critical period in which all the signs of
a close conspiring extasy informed us of the point they were at
For me I could bear to see no more I was so overcome so inflamed at the
second part of the same play that mad to an intolerable degree I huggd I
clasped Phoebe as if she had wherewithal to relieve me Pleased however with
and pitying the taking she could feel me in she drew me towards the door and
opening it as softly as she could we both got off undiscoverd and she
reconducted me to my own room where unable to keep my legs in the agitation I
was in I instantly threw myself down on the bed where I lay transported
though ashamd at what I felt
Phoebe lay down by me and askd me archly if now that I had seen the
enemy and fully considered him I was still afraid of him or did I think I
could venture to come to a close engagement with him To all which not a word
on my side I sighd and could scarce breathe She takes hold of my hand and
having rolld up her own petticoats forced it half strivingly towards those
parts where now grown more knowing I missd the main object of my wishes and
finding not even the shadow of what I wanted where every thing was so flat or
so hollow in the vexation I was in at it I should have withdrawn my hand but
for fear of disobliging her Abandoning it then entirely to her management she
made use of it as she thought proper to procure herself rather the shadow than
the substance of any pleasure For my part I now pind for more solid food and
promisd tacitly to myself that I would not be put off much longer with this
foolery from woman to woman if Mrs Brown did not soon provide me with the
essential specific In short I had all the air of not being able to wait the
arrival of my lord B tho he was now expected in a very few days nor did I
wait for him for love itself took charge of the disposal of me in spite of
interest or gross lust
It was now two days after the closetscene that I got up about six in the
morning and leaving my bedfellow fast asleep stole down with no other
thought than of taking a little fresh air in a small garden which our
backparlour opend into and from which my confinement debarrd me at the times
company came to the house but now sleep and silence reignd all over it
I opend the parlour door and well surprizd was I at seeing by the side
of a fire halfout a young gentleman in the old ladys elbow chair with his
legs laid upon another fast asleep and left there by his thoughtless
companions who had drank him down and then went off with every one his
mistress whilst he stayd behind by the courtesy of the old matron who would
not disturb or turn him out in that condition at one in the morning and beds
it is more than probable there were none to spare On the table still remaind
the punch bowl and glasses strewd about in their usual disorder after a
drunken revel
But when I drew nearer to view the sleeping one heavens what a sight No
no term of years no turn of fortune could ever erase the lightninglike
impression his form made on me Yes dearest object of my earliest passion I
command for ever the remembrance of thy first appearance to my ravishd eyes
it calls thee up present and I see thee now
Figure to yourself Madam a fair stripling between eighteen and nineteen
with his head reclind on one of the sides of the chair his hair in disorderd
curls irregularly shading a face on which all the roseate bloom of youth and
all the manly graces conspired to fix my eyes and heart Even the languor and
paleness of his face in which the momentary triumph of the lily over the rose
was owing to the excesses of the night gave an inexpressible sweetness to the
finest features imaginable his eyes closed in sleep displayed the meeting
edges of their lids beautifully bordered with long eyelashes over which no
pencil could have described two more regular arches than those that gracd his
forehead which was high perfectly white and smooth Then a pair of vermilion
lips pouting and swelling to the touch as if a bee had freshly stung them
seemd to challenge me to get the gloves off this lovely sleeper had not the
modesty and respect which in both sexes are inseparable from a true passion
checkd my impulses
But on seeing his shirtcollar unbuttond and a bosom whiter than a drift
of snow the pleasure of considering it could not bribe me to lengthen it at
the hazard of a health that began to be my lifes concern Love that made me
timid taught me to be tender too With a trembling hand I took hold of one of
his and waking him as gently as possible he started and looking at first a
little wildly said with a voice that sent its harmonious sound to my heart
»Pray child what oclock is it« I told him and added that he might catch
cold if he slept longer with his breast open in the cool of the morning air On
this he thanked me with a sweetness perfectly agreeing with that of his features
and eyes the last now broad open and eagerly surveying me carried the
sprightly fires they sparkled with directly to my heart
It seems that having drank too freely before he came upon the rake with some
of his young companions he had put himself out of a condition to go through all
the weapons with them and crown the night with getting a mistress so that
seeing me in a loose undress he did not doubt but I was one of the misses of
the house sent in to repair his loss of time but though he seizd that notion
and a very obvious one it was without hesitation yet whether my figure made a
more than ordinary impression on him or whether it was natural politeness he
addressd me in a manner far from rude tho still on the foot of one of the
house pliers come to amuse him and giving me the first kiss that I ever
relishd from man in my life askd me if I could favour him with my company
assuring me that he would make it worth my while but had not even newborn
love that true refiner of lust opposd so sudden a surrender the fear of
being surprizd by the house was a sufficient bar to my compliance
I told him then in a tone set me by love itself that for reasons I had not
time to explain to him I could not stay with him and might not even ever see
him again with a sigh at these last words which broke from the bottom of my
heart My conqueror who as he afterwards told me had been struck with my
appearance and likd me as much as he could think of liking any one in my
supposd way of life askd me briskly at once if I would be kept by him and
that he would take a lodging for me directly and relieve me from any
engagements he presumd I might be under to the house Rash sudden undigested
and even dangerous as this offer might be from a perfect stranger and that
stranger a giddy boy the prodigious love I was struck with for him had put a
charm into his voice there was no resisting and blinded me to every objection
I could at that instant have died for him think if I could resist an
invitation to live with him Thus my heart beating strong to the proposal
dictated my answer after scarce a minutes pause that I would accept of his
offer and make my escape to him in what way he pleased and that I would be
entirely at his disposal let it be good or bad I have often since wondered
that so great an easiness did not disgust him or make me too cheap in his eyes
but my fate had so appointed it that in his fears of the hazard of the town he
had been some time looking out for a girl to take into keeping and my person
happening to hit his fancy it was by one of those miracles reserved to love
that we struck the bargain in the instant which we sealed by an exchange of
kisses that the hopes of a more uninterrupted enjoyment engaged him to content
himself with
Never however did dear youth carry in his person more wherewith to
justify the turning of a girls head and making her set all consequences at
defiance for the sake of following a gallant
For besides all the perfections of manly beauty which were assembled in his
form he had an air of neatness and gentility a certain smartness in the
carriage and port of his head that yet more distinguishd him his eyes were
sprightly and full of meaning his looks had in them something at once sweet and
commanding His complexion outbloomd the lovelycolourd rose whilst its
inimitable tender vivid glow clearly savd it from the reproach of wanting life
of raw and doughlike which is commonly made to those so extremely fair as he
was
Our little plan was that I should get out about seven the next morning
which I could readily promise as I knew where to get the key of the street
and he would wait at the end of the street with a coach to convey me safe off
after which he would send and clear any debt incurrd by my stay at Mrs
Browns who he only judged in gross might not care to part with one he
thought so fit to draw custom to the house
I then just hinted to him not to mention in the house his having seen such a
person as me for reasons I would explain to him more at leisure And then for
fear of miscarrying by being seen together I tore myself from him with a
bleeding heart and stole up softly to my room where I found Phoebe still fast
asleep and hurrying off my few cloaths lay down by her with a mixture of joy
and anxiety that may be easier conceived than expressd
The risks of Mrs Browns discovering my purpose of disappointments
misery ruin all vanishd before this newkindld flame The seeing the
touching the being if but for a night with this idol of my fond virginheart
appeared to me a happiness above the purchase of my liberty or life He might
use me ill let him he was the master happy too happy even to receive death
at so dear a hand
To this purpose were the reflections of the whole day of which every minute
seemd to me a little eternity How often did I visit the clock nay was
tempted to advance the tedious hand as if that would have advancd the time
with it Had those of the house made the least observations on me they must
have remarkd something extraordinary from the discomposure I could not help
betraying especially when at dinner mention was made of the charmingest youth
having been there and stayd breakfast »Oh he was such a beauty I should
have died for him they would pull caps for him « and the like
fooleries which however was throwing oil on a fire I was sorely put to it to
smother the blaze of
The fluctuations of my mind the whole day producd one good effect which
was that through mere fatigue I slept tolerably well till five in the
morning when I got up and having dressd myself waited under the double
tortures of fear and impatience for the appointed hour It came at last the
dear critical dangerous hour came and now supported only by the courage love
lent me I ventured a tiptoe downstairs leaving my box behind for fear of
being surprizd with it in going out
I got to the streetdoor the key whereof was always laid on the chair by
our bedside in trust with Phoebe who having not the least suspicion of my
entertaining any design to go from them nor indeed had I but the day before
made no reserve or concealment of it from me I opend the door with great ease
love that emboldend protected me too and now got safe into the street I
saw my new guardianangel waiting at a coachdoor ready open How I got to him
I know not I suppose I flew but I was in the coach in a trice and he by the
side of me with his arms claspd round me and giving me the kiss of welcome
The coachman had his orders and drove to them
My eyes were instantly filld with tears but tears of the most delicious
delight to find myself in the arms of that beauteous youth was a rapture that
my little heart swam in Past or future were equally out of the question with
me The present was as much as all my powers of life were sufficient to bear the
transport of without fainting Nor were the most tender embraces the most
soothing expressions wanting on his side to assure me of his love and of never
giving me cause to repent the bold step I had taken in throwing myself thus
entirely upon his honour and generosity But alas this was no merit in me for
I was drove to it by a passion too impetuous for me to resist and I did what I
did because I could not help it
In an instant for time was now annihilated with me we landed at a public
house in Chelsea hospitably commodious for the reception of duetparties of
pleasure where a breakfast of chocolate was prepared for us
An old jolly stager who kept it and understood life perfectly well
breakfasted with us and leering archly at me gave us both joy and said we
were well paired i faith that a great many gentlemen and ladies used his
house but he had never seen a handsomer couple he was sure I was a fresh
piece I lookd so country so innocent well my spouse was a lucky man
all which common landlords cant not only pleasd and soothd me but helpd to
divert my confusion at being with my new sovereign whom now the minute
approachd I began to fear to be alone with a timidity which true love had a
greater share in than even maiden bashfulness
I wishd I doted I could have died for him and yet I know not how or
why I dreaded the point which had been the object of my fiercest wishes my
pulses beat fears amidst a flush of the warmest desires This struggle of the
passions however this conflict betwixt modesty and lovesick longings made me
burst again into tears which he took as he had done before only for the
remains of concern and emotion at the suddenness of my change of condition in
committing myself to his care and in consequence of that idea did and said
all that he thought would most comfort and reinspirit me
After breakfast Charles the dear familiar name I must take the liberty
henceforward to distinguish my Adonis by with a smile full of meaning took me
gently by the hand and said »Come my dear I will show you a room that
commands a fine prospect over some gardens« and without waiting for an answer
in which he relieved me extremely he led me up into a chamber airy and
lightsome where all seeing of prospects was out of the question except that of
a bed which had all the air of having recommended the room to him
Charles had just slippd the bolt of the door and running caught me in his
arms and lifting me from the ground with his lips glewd to mine bore me
trembling panting dying with soft fears and tender wishes to the bed where
his impatience would not suffer him to undress me more than just unpinning my
handkerchief and gown and unlacing my stays
My bosom was now bare and rising in the warmest throbs presented to his
sight and feeling the firm hard swell of a pair of young breasts such as may be
imagind of a girl not sixteen fresh out of the country and never before
handled but even their pride whiteness fashion pleasing resistance to the
touch could not bribe his restless hands from roving but giving them the
loose my petticoats and shift were soon taken up and their stronger center of
attraction laid open to their tender invasion My fears however made me
mechanically close my thighs but the very touch of his hand insinuated between
them disclosed them and opened a way for the main attack
In the mean time I lay fairly exposed to the examination of his eyes and
hands quiet and unresisting which confirmd him the opinion he proceeded so
cavalierly upon that I was no novice in these matters since he had taken me
out of a common bawdyhouse nor had I said one thing to prepossess him of my
virginity and if I had he would sooner have believd that I took him for a
cully that would swallow such an improbability than that I was still mistress
of that darling treasure that hidden mine so eagerly sought after by the men
and which they never dig for but to destroy
Being now too high wound up to bear a delay he unbuttond and drawing out
the engine of loveassaults drove it currently as at a readymade breach
Then then for the first time did I feel that stiff hornhard gristle
battering against the tender part but imagine to yourself his surprize when he
found after several vigorous pushes which hurt me extremely that he made not
the least impression
I complaind but tenderly complaind that I could not bear it indeed he
hurt me Still he thought no more than that being so young the largeness of
his machine for few men could dispute size with him made all the difficulty
and that possibly I had not been enjoyd by any so advantageously made in that
part as himself for still that my virgin flower was yet uncropd never
enterd into his head and he would have thought it idling with time and words
to have questiond me upon it
He tries again still no admittance still no penetration but he had hurt
me yet more whilst my extreme love made me bear extreme pain almost without a
groan At length after repeated fruitless trials he lay down panting by me
kissd my falling tears and askd me tenderly what was the meaning of so much
complaining and if I had not borne it better from others than I did from him I
answered with a simplicity framd to persuade that he was the first man that
ever servd me so Truth is powerful and it is not always that we do not
believe what we eagerly wish
Charles already disposd by the evidence of his senses to think my
pretences to virginity not entirely apocryphal smothers me with kisses begs
me in the name of love to have a little patience and that he will be as
tender of hurting me as he would be of himself
Alas it was enough I knew his pleasure to submit joyfully to him whatever
pain I foresaw it would cost me
He now resumes his attempts in more form first he put one of the pillows
under me to give the blank of his aim a more favourable elevation and another
under my head in ease of it then spreading my thighs and placing himself
standing between them made them rest upon his hips applying then the point of
his machine to the slit into which he sought entrance it was so small he
could scarce assure himself of its being rightly pointed He looks he feels
and satisfies himself the driving forward with fury its prodigious stiffness
thus impacted wedgelike breaks the union of those parts and gaind him just
the insertion of the tip of it lipdeep which being sensible of he improved
his advantage and following well his stroke in a straight line forcibly
deepens his penetration but put me to such intolerable pain from the
separation of the sides of that soft passage by a hard thick body I could have
screamd out but as I was unwilling to alarm the house I held in my breath
and crammd my petticoat which was turnd up over my face into my mouth and
bit it through in the agony At length the tender texture of that tract giving
way to such fierce tearing and rending he piercd something further into me
and now outrageous and no longer his own master but borne headlong away by the
fury and overmettle of that member now exerting itself with a kind of native
rage he breaks in carries all before him and one violent merciless lunge sent
it imbrewd and reeking with virgin blood up to the very hilt in me Then
then all my resolution deserted me I screamd out and fainted away with the
sharpness of the pain and as he told me afterwards on his drawing out when
emission was over with him my thighs were instantly all in a stream of blood
that flowd from the wounded torn passage
When I recoverd my senses I found myself undressd and abed in the arms
of the sweet relenting murderer of my virginity who hung mourning tenderly over
me and holding in his hand a cordial which coming from the still dear author
of so much pain I could not refuse my eyes however moistend with tears and
languishingly turnd upon him seemed to reproach him with his cruelty and ask
him if such were the rewards of love But Charles to whom I was now infinitely
endeard by this complete triumph over a maidenhead where he so little expected
to find one in tenderness to that pain which he had put me to in procuring
himself the height of pleasure smotherd his exultation and employd himself
with so much sweetness so much warmth to sooth to caress and comfort me in
my soft complainings which breathd indeed more love than resentment that I
presently drownd all sense of pain in the pleasure of seeing him of thinking
that I belongd to him he who was now the absolute disposer of my happiness
and in one word my fate
The sore was however too tender the wound too bleeding fresh for
Charless goodnature to put my patience presently to another trial but as I
could not stir or walk across the room he orderd the dinner to be brought to
the bedside where it could not be otherwise than my getting down the wing of a
fowl and two or three glasses of wine since it was my adord youth who both
servd and urged them on me with that sweet irresistible authority with which
love had invested him over me
After dinner and as everything but the wine was taken away Charles very
impudently asks a leave he might read the grant of in my eyes to come to bed
to me and accordingly falls to undressing which I could not see the progress
of without strange emotions of fear and pleasure
He is now in bed with me the first time and in broad day but when
thrusting up his own shirt and my shift he laid his naked glowing body to mine
oh insupportable delight oh superhuman rapture what pain could stand
before a pleasure so transporting I felt no more the smart of my wounds below
but curling round him like the tendril of a vine as if I feard any part of
him should be untouchd or unpressd by me I returnd his strenuous embraces
and kisses with a fervour and gust only known to true love and which mere lust
could never rise to
Yes even at this time when all the tyranny of the passions is fully over
and my veins roll no longer but a cold tranquil stream the remembrance of those
passages that most affected me in my youth still cheers and refreshes me Let
me proceed then My beauteous youth was now glewd to me in all the folds and
twists that we could make our bodies meet in when no longer able to rein in
the fierceness of refreshd desires he gives his steed the head and gently
insinuating his thighs between mine stopping my mouth with kisses of humid
fire makes a fresh irruption and renewing his thrusts pierces tears and
forces his way up the torn tender folds that yielded him admission with a smart
little less severe that when the breach was first made I stifled however my
cries and bore him with the passive fortitude of a heroine soon his thrusts
more and more furious cheeks flushd with a deeper scarlet his eyes turnd up
in the fervent fit some dying sighs and an agonizing shudder announced the
approaches of that extatic pleasure I was yet in too much pain to come in for
my share of it
Nor was it till after a few enjoyments had numbd and blunted the sense of
the smart and given me to feel the titillating inspersion of balsamic sweets
drew from me the delicious return and brought down all my passion that I
arrived at excess of pleasure through excess of pain But when successive
engagements had broke and inurd me I began to enter into the true unallayd
relish of that pleasure of pleasures when the warm gush darts through all the
ravishd inwards what floods of bliss what melting transports what agonies of
delight too fierce too mighty for nature to sustain well has she therefore
no doubt provided the relief of a delicious momentary dissolution the
approaches of which are intimated by a dear delirium a sweet thrill on the
point of emitting those liquid sweets in which enjoyment itself is drownd
when one gives the languishing stretchout and dies at the discharge
How often when the rage and tumult of my senses had subsided after the
melting flow have I in a tender meditation askd myself coolly the question
if it was in nature for any of its creatures to be so happy as I was Or what
were all fears of the consequence put in the scale of one nights enjoyment of
any thing so transcendently the taste of my eyes and heart as that delicious
fond matchless youth
Thus we spent the whole afternoon till supper time in a continued circle of
love delights kissing turtlebilling toying and all the rest of the feast
At length supper was servd in before which Charles had for I do not know
what reason slipt his cloaths on and sitting down by the bedside we made
table and tablecloth of the bed and sheets whilst he sufferd nobody to attend
or serve but himself He ate with a very good appetite and seemd charmd to
see me eat For my part I was so enchanted with my fortune so transported with
the comparison of the delights I now swam in with the insipidity of all my past
scenes of life that I thought them sufficiently cheap at even the price of my
ruin or the risk of their not lasting The present possession was all my little
head could find room for
We lay together that night when after playing repeated prizes of pleasure
nature overspent and satisfyd gave us up to the arms of sleep those of my
dear youth encircled me the consciousness of which made even that sleep more
delicious
Late in the morning I wakd first and observing my lover slept profoundly
softly disengagd myself from his arms scarcely daring to breathe for fear of
shortening his repose my cap my hair my shift were all in disorder from the
rufflings I had undergone and I took this opportunity to adjust and set them as
well as I could whilst every now and then looking at the sleeping youth with
inconceivable fondness and delight and reflecting on all the pain he had put me
to tacitly ownd that the pleasure had overpaid me for my sufferings
It was then broad day I was sitting up in the bed the cloaths of which
were all tossed or rolled off by the unquietness of our motions from the
sultry heat of the weather nor could I refuse myself a pleasure that solicited
me so irresistibly as this fair occasion of feasting my sight with all those
treasures of youthful beauty I had enjoyd and which lay now almost entirely
naked his shirt being trussd up in a perfect wisp which the warmth of the
room and season made me easy about the consequence of I hung over him enamourd
indeed and devoured all his naked charms with only two eyes when I could have
wishd them at least a hundred for the fuller enjoyment of the gaze
Oh could I paint his figure as I see it now still present to my
transported imagination a whole length of an allperfect manly beauty in full
view Think of a face without a fault glowing with all the opening bloom and
vernal freshness of an age in which beauty is of either sex and which the first
down over his upper lip scarce began to distinguish
The parting of the double ruby pout of his lips seemd to exhale an air
sweeter and purer than what it drew in ah what violence did it not cost me to
refrain the so tempted kiss
Then a neck exquisitely turnd gracd behind and on the sides with his
hair playing freely in natural ringlets connected his head to a body of the
most perfect form and of the most vigorous contexture in which all the
strength of manhood was conceald and softend to appearance by the delicacy of
his complexion the smoothness of his skin and the plumpness of his flesh
The platform of his snowwhite bosom that was laid out in a manly
proportion presented on the vermilion summit of each pap the idea of a rose
about to blow
Nor did his shirt hinder me from observing that symmetry of his limbs that
exactness of shape in the fall of it towards the loins where the waist ends
and the rounding swell of the hips commences where the skin sleek smooth and
dazzling white burnishes on the stretch over firm plump ripe flesh that
crimpd and ran into dimples at the least pressure or that the touch could not
rest upon but slid over as on the surface of the most polished ivory
His thighs finely fashioned and with a florid glossy roundness gradually
tapering away to the knees seemd pillars worthy to support that beauteous
frame at the bottom of which I could not without some remains of terror some
tender emotions too fix my eyes on that terrible machine which had not long
before with such fury broke into torn and almost ruind those soft tender
parts of mine that had not yet done smarting with the effects of its rage but
behold it now crest falln reclining its halfcapt vermilion head over one of
his thighs quiet pliant and to all appearance incapable of the mischiefs and
cruelty it had committed Then the beautiful growth of the hair in short and
soft curls round its root its whiteness branchd veins the supple softness of
the shaft as it lay foreshortend rolld and shrunk up into a squab thickness
languid and borne up from between his thighs by its globular appendage that
wondrous treasurebag of natures sweets which rivelld round and pursd up
in the only wrinkles that are known to please perfected the prospect and all
together formed the most interesting moving picture in nature and surely
infinitely superior to those nudities furnishd by the painters statuaries or
any art which are purchasd at immense prices whilst the sight of them in
actual life is scarce sovereignly tasted by any but the few whom nature has
endowed with a fire of imagination warmly pointed by a truth of judgment to the
springhead the originals of beauty of natures unequalld composition above
all the imitation of art or the reach of wealth to pay their price
But every thing must have an end A motion made by this angelic youth in
the listlessness of going off sleep replacd his shirt and the bedcloaths in a
posture that shut up that treasure from longer view
I lay down then and carrying my hands to that part of me in which the
objects just seen had begun to raise a mutiny that prevaild over the smart of
them my fingers now opend themselves an easy passage but long I had not time
to consider the wide difference there between the maid and the now finishd
woman before Charles wakd and turning towards me kindly enquird how I had
rested and scarce giving me time to answer imprinted on my lips one of his
burning rapturekisses which darted a flame to my heart that from thence
radiated to every part of me and presently as if he had proudly meant revenge
for the survey I had smuggled of all his naked beauties he spurns off the
bedcloaths and trussing up my shift as high as it would go took his turn to
feast his eyes on all the gifts nature had bestowd on my person his busy
hands too rangd intemperately over every part of me The delicious austerity
and hardness of my yet unripe budding breasts the whiteness and firmness of my
flesh the freshness and regularity of my features the harmony of my limbs all
seemd to confirm him in his satisfaction with his bargain but when curious to
explore the havoc he had made in the centre of his overfierce attack he not
only directed his hands there but with a pillow put under placed me favourably
for his wanton purpose of inspection Then who can express the fire his eyes
glistend his hands glowd with whilst sighs of pleasure and tender broken
exclamations were all the praises he could utter By this time his machine
stiffly risen at me gave me to see it in its highest state and bravery He
feels it himself seems pleasd at its condition and smiling loves and graces
seizes one of my hands and carries it with a gentle compulsion to his pride
of nature and its richest masterpiece
I struggling faintly could not help feeling what I could not grasp a
column of the whitest ivory beautifully streakd with blue veins and carrying
fully uncapt a head of the liveliest vermilion no horn could be harder or
stiffer yet no velvet more smooth or delicious to the touch Presently he
guided my hand lower to that part in which nature and pleasure keep their
stores in concert so aptly fastend and hung on to the root of their first
instrument and minister that not improperly he might be styld their
pursebearer too there he made me feel distinctly through their soft cover
the contents a pair of roundish balls that seemd to play within and elude
all pressure but the tenderest from without
But now this visit of my soft warm hand in those so sensible parts had put
every thing into such ungovernable fury that disdaining all further preluding
and taking advantage of my commodious posture he made the storm fall where I
scarce patiently expected and where he was sure to lay it presently then I
felt the stiff insertion between the yielding divided lips of the wound now
open for life where the narrowness no longer put me to intolerable pain and
afforded my lover no more difficulty than what heightend his pleasure in the
strict embrace of that tender warm sheath round the instrument it was so
delicately adjusted to and which now cased home so gorged me with pleasure
that it perfectly suffocated me and took away my breath then the killing
thrusts the unnumberd kisses every one of which was a joy inexpressible and
that joy lost in a crowd of yet greater blisses But this was a disorder too
violent in nature to last long the vessels so stirrd and intensely heated
soon boild over and for that time put out the fire meanwhile all this
dalliance and disport had so far consumd the morning that it became a kind of
necessity to lay breakfast and dinner into one
In our calmer intervals Charles gave the following account of himself every
word of which was true He was the only son of a father who having a small post
in the revenue rather overlivd his income and had given this young gentleman
a very slender education no profession had he bred him up to but designd to
provide for him in the army by purchasing him an ensigns commission that is
to say provided he could raise the money or procure it by interest either of
which clauses was rather to be wishd than hoped for by him On no better a
plan however had this improvident father sufferd this youth a youth of great
promise to run up to the age of manhood or near it at least in next to
idleness and had besides taken no sort of pains to give him even the common
premonitions against the vices of the town and the dangers of all sorts which
wait the unexperiencd and unwary in it He livd at home and at discretion
with his father who himself kept a mistress and for the rest provided Charles
did not ask him for money he was indolently kind to him he might lie out when
he pleasd any excuse would serve and even his reprimands were so slight that
they carried with them rather an air of connivance at the fault than any serious
control or constraint But to supply his calls for money Charles whose mother
was dead had by her side a grandmother who doted upon him She had a
considerable annuity to live on and very regularly parted with every shilling
she could spare to this darling of hers to the no little heartburn of his
father who was vexd not that she by this means fed his sons extravagance
but that she preferrd Charles to himself and we shall too soon see what a
fatal turn such a mercenary jealousy could operate in the breast of a father
Charles was however by the means of his grandmothers lavish fondness
very sufficiently enabled to keep a mistress so easily contented as my love made
me and my good fortune for such I must ever call it threw me in his way in
the manner above related just as he was on the lookout for one
As to temper the even sweetness of it made him seem born for domestic
happiness tender naturally polite and gentlemannerd it could never be his
fault if ever jars or animosities ruffled a calm he was so qualified in every
way to maintain or restore Without those great or shining qualities that
constitute a genius or are fit to make a noise in the world he had all those
humble ones that compose the softer social merit plain common sense set off
with every grace of modesty and good nature made him if not admird what is
much happier universally belovd and esteemd But as nothing but the beauties
of his person had at first attracted my regard and fixd my passion neither was
I then a judge of that internal merit which I had afterward full occasion to
discover and which perhaps in that season of giddiness and levity would have
touchd my heart very little had it been lodgd in a person less the delight of
my eyes and idol of my senses But to return to our situation
After dinner which we ate abed in a most voluptuous disorder Charles got
up and taking a passionate leave of me for a few hours he went to town where
concerting matters with a young sharp lawyer they went together to my late
venerable mistresss from whence I had but the day before made my elopement
and with whom he was determind to settle accounts in a manner that should cut
off all after reckonings from that quarter
Accordingly they went but on the way the Templar his friend on thinking
over Charless information saw reason to give their visit another turn and
instead of offering satisfaction to demand it
On being let in the girls of the house flockd round Charles whom they
knew and from the earliness of my escape and their perfect ignorance of his
ever having so much as seen me not having the least suspicion of his being
accessory to my flight they were in their way making up to him and as to his
companion they took him probably for a fresh cully But the Templar soon
checkd their forwardness by enquiring for the old lady with whom he said
with a grave judgelike countenance that he had some business to settle
Madam was immediately sent down for and the ladies being desird to clear
the room the lawyer askd her severely if she did know or had not decoyd
under pretence of hiring as a servant a young girl just come out of the
country called FRANCES or FANNY HILL describing me withal as particularly as
he could from Charless description
It is peculiar to vice to tremble at the enquiries of justice and Mrs
Brown whose conscience was not entirely clear upon my account as knowing as
she was of the town as hackneyd as she was in bluffing through all the dangers
of her vocation could not help being alarmd at the question especially when
he went on to talk of a Justice of peace Newgate the Old Bailey indictments
for keeping a disorderly house pillory carting and the whole process of that
nature She who it is likely imagind I had lodgd an information against her
house lookd extremely blank and began to make a thousand protestations and
excuses However to abridge they brought away triumphantly my box of things
which had she not been under an awe she might have disputed with them and not
only that but a clearance and discharge of any demands on the house at the
expense of no more than a bowl of arrackpunch the treat of which together
with the choice of the house conveniences was offerd and not accepted Charles
all the time acted the chancecompanion of the lawyer who had brought him
there as he knew the house and appeard in no wise interested in the issue
but he had the collateral pleasure of hearing all that I had told him verified
so far as the bawds fears would give her leave to enter into my history which
if one may guess by the composition she so readily came into were not small
Phoebe my kind tutoress Phoebe was at that time gone out perhaps in
search of me or their cookdup story had not it is probable passd so
smoothly
This negotiation had however taken up some time which would have appeard
much longer to me left as I was in a strange house if the landlady a
motherly sort of a woman to whom Charles had liberally recommended me had not
come up and borne me company We drank tea and her chat helpd to pass away the
time very agreeably since he was our theme but as the evening deepened and
the hour set for his return was elapsd I could not dispel the gloom of
impatience and tender fears which gathered upon me and which our timid sex are
apt to feel in proportion to their love
Long however I did not suffer the sight of him overpaid me and the soft
reproach I had prepard for him expired before it reachd my lips
I was still abed yet unable to use my legs otherwise than aukwardly and
Charles flew to me catched me in his arms raisd and extending mine to meet
his dear embrace and gives me an account interrupted by many a sweet
parenthesis of kisses of the success of his measures
I could not help laughing at the fright the old woman had been put into
which my ignorance and indeed my want of innocence had far from prepard me
for bespeaking She had it seems apprehended that I fled for shelter to some
relation I had recollected in town on my dislike of their ways and proceeding
towards me and that this application came from thence for as Charles had
rightly judgd not one neighbour had at that still hour seen the circumstance
of my escape into the coach or at least noticd him neither had any in the
house the least hint or clue of suspicion of my having spoke to him much less
of my having clapt up such a sudden bargain with a perfect stranger thus the
greatest improbability is not always what we should most mistrust
We supped with all the gaiety of two young giddy creatures at the top of
their desires and as I had most joyfully given up to Charles the whole charge
of my future happiness I thought of nothing beyond the exquisite pleasure of
possessing him
He came to bed in due time and this second night the pain being pretty
well over I tasted in full draughts all the transports of perfect enjoyment
I swam I bathed in bliss till both fell fast asleep through the natural
consequences of satisfied desires and appeasd flames nor did we wake but to
renewd raptures
Thus making the most of love and life did we stay in this lodging in
Chelsea about ten days in which time Charles took care to give his excursions
from home a favourable gloss and to keep his footing with his fond indulgent
grandmother from whom he drew constant and sufficient supplies for the charge I
was to him and which was very trifling in comparison with his former less
regular course of pleasures
Charles removd me then to a private ready furnishd lodging in D street
St Jamess where he paid half a guinea a week for two rooms and a closet on
the second floor which he had been some time looking out for and was more
convenient for the frequency of his visits than where he had at first placd me
in a house which I cannot say but I left with regret as it was infinitely
endeard to me by the first possession of my Charles and the circumstance of
losing there that jewel which can never be twice lost The landlord however
had no reason to complain of any thing but of a procedure in Charles too
liberal not to make him regret the loss of us
Arrived at our new lodgings I remember I thought them extremely fine
though ordinary enough even at that price but had it been a dungeon that
Charles had brought me to his presence would have made it a little Versailles
The landlady Mrs Jones waited on us to our apartment and with great
volubility of tongue explaind to us all its conveniences that her own maid
should wait on us that the best of quality had lodgd at her house that
her first floor was let to a foreign secretary of an embassy and his lady
that I looked like a very goodnaturd lady At the word lady I blushd out
of flatterd vanity this was too strong for a girl of my condition for though
Charles had had the precaution of dressing me in a less tawdry flaunting style
than were the cloaths I escapd to him in and of passing me for his wife that
he had secretly married and kept private the old story on account of his
friends I dare swear this appeard extremely apocryphal to a woman who knew the
town so well as she did but that was the least of her concern It was
impossible to be less scrupleridden than she was and the advantage of letting
her rooms being her sole object the truth itself would have far from
scandalizd her or broke her bargain
A sketch of her picture and personal history will dispose you to account
for the part she is to act in my concerns
She was about fortysix years old tall meagre redhaird with one of
those trivial ordinary faces you meet with everywhere and go about unheeded and
unmentioned In her youth she had been kept by a gentleman who dying left her
forty pounds a year during her life in consideration of a daughter he had by
her which daughter at the age of seventeen she sold for not a very
considerable sum neither to a gentleman who was going on Envoy abroad and took
his purchase with him where he usd her with the utmost tenderness and it is
thought was secretly married to her but had constantly made a point of her not
keeping up the least correspondence with a mother base enough to make a market
of her own flesh and blood However as she had no nature nor indeed any
passion but that of money this gave her no further uneasiness than as she
thereby lost a handle of squeezing presents or other afteradvantages out of
the bargain Indifferent then by nature of constitution to every other
pleasure but that of increasing the lump by any means whatever she commencd a
kind of private procuress for which she was not amiss fitted by her grave
decent appearance and sometimes did a job in the matchmaking way in short
there was nothing that appeard to her under the shape of gain that she would
not have undertaken She knew most of the ways of the town having not only
herself been upon but kept up constant intelligences in it dealing besides
her practice in promoting a harmony between the two sexes in private
pawnbroking and other profitable secrets She rented the house she livd in
and made the most of it by letting it out in lodgings though she was worth at
least near three or four thousand pounds she would not allow herself even the
necessaries of life and pinnd her subsistence entirely on what she could
squeeze out of her lodgers
When she saw such a young pair come under her roof her immediate notions
doubtless were how she should make the most money of us by every means that
money might be made and which she rightly judged our situation and
inexperience would soon beget her occasions of
In this hopeful sanctuary and under the clutches of this harpy did we
pitch our residence It will not be mighty material to you or very pleasant to
me to enter into a detail of all the petty cutthroat ways and means with which
she used to fleece us all which Charles indolently chose to bear with rather
than take the trouble of removing the difference of expense being scarce
attended to by a young gentleman who had no ideas of stint or even of economy
and a raw country girl who knew nothing of the matter
Here however under the wings of my sovereignly belovd did I flow the
most delicious hours of my life my Charles I had and in him everything my
fond heart could wish or desire He carried me to plays operas masquerades
and every diversion of the town all of which pleasd me indeed but pleasd me
infinitely the more for his being with me and explaining everything to me and
enjoying perhaps the natural impressions of surprize and admiration which
such sights at the first never fail to excite in a country girl new to the
delights of them but to me they sensibly provd the power and full dominion of
the sole passion of my heart over me a passion in which soul and body were
concentred and left me no room for any other relish of life but love
As to the men I saw at those places or at any other they sufferd so much
in the comparison my eyes made of them with my allperfect Adonis that I had
not the infidelity even of one wandering thought to reproach myself with upon
his account He was the universe to me and all that was not him was nothing to
me
My love in fine was so excessive that it arrivd at annihilating every
suggestion or kindling spark of jealousy for one idea only tending that way
gave me such exquisite torment that my selflove and dread of worse than death
made me for ever renounce and defy it nor had I indeed occasion for were I
to enter here on the recital of several instances wherein Charles sacrificd to
me women of greater importance than I dare hint which considering his form
was no such wonder I might indeed give you full proof of his unshaken
constancy to me but would not you accuse me of warming up again a feast that my
vanity ought long ago to have been satisfyd with
In our cessations from active pleasure Charles framd himself one in
instructing me as far as his own lights reachd in a great many points of life
that I was in consequence of my noeducation perfectly ignorant of nor did I
suffer one word to fall in vain from the mouth of my lovely teacher I hung on
every syllable he utterd and receivd as oracles all he said whilst kisses
were all the interruption I could not refuse myself the pleasure of admitting
from lips that breathd more than Arabian sweetness
I was in a little time enabled by the progress I had made to prove the
deep regard I had paid to all that he had said to me repeating it to him almost
word for word and to shew that I was not entirely the parrot but that I
reflected upon that I enterd into it I joind my own comments and askd him
questions of explanation
My country accent and the rusticity of my gait manners and deportment
began now sensibly to wear off so quick was my observation and so efficacious
my desire of growing every day worthier of his heart
As to money though he brought me constantly all he receivd it was with
difficulty he even got me to give it room in my bureau and what clothes I had
he could prevail on me to accept of on no other foot than that of pleasing him
by the greater neatness in my dress beyond which I had no ambition I could
have made a pleasure of the greatest toil and worked my fingers to the bone
with joy to have supported him guess then if I could harbour any idea of
being burdensome to him and this disinterested turn in me was so unaffected so
much the dictate of my heart that Charles could not but feel it and if he did
not love me as much as I did him which was the constant and only matter of
sweet contention between us he managd so at least as to give me the
satisfaction of believing it impossible for man to be more tender more true
more faithful than he was
Our landlady Mrs Jones came frequently up to my apartment from whence I
never stirrd on any pretext without Charles nor was it long before she wormd
out without much art the secret of our having cheated the church of a
ceremony and in course of the terms we livd together upon a circumstance
which far from displeasd her considering the designs she had upon me and
which alas she will too soon have room to carry into execution But in the
mean time her own experience of life let her see that any attempt however
indirect or disguisd to divert or break at least presently so strong a cement
of hearts as ours was could only end in losing two lodgers of whom she made
very competent advantages if either of us came to smoke her commission for a
commission she had from one of her customers either to debauch or get me away
from my keeper at any rate
But the barbarity of my fate soon savd her the task of disuniting us I had
now been eleven months with this life of my life which had passed in one
continud rapid stream of delight but nothing so violent was ever made to last
I was about three months gone with child by him a circumstance which would have
added to his tenderness had he ever left me room to believe it could receive an
addition when the mortal the unexpected blow of separation fell upon us I
shall gallop post over the particulars which I shudder yet to think of and
cannot to this instant reconcile myself how or by what means I could outlive
it
Two lifelong days had I lingerd through without hearing from him I who
breathd who existed but in him and had never yet seen twentyfour hours pass
without seeing or hearing from him The third day my impatience was so strong
my alarms had been so severe that I perfectly sickend with them and being
unable to support the shock longer I sunk upon the bed and ringing for Mrs
Jones who had far from comforted me under my anxieties she came up I had
scarce breath and spirit enough to find words to beg of her if she would save
my life to fall upon some means of finding out instantly what was become of
its only prop and comfort She pityd me in a way that rather sharpend my
affliction than suspended it and went out upon this commission
Far she had not to go Charless father lived but at an easy distance in
one of the streets that run into Covent Garden There she went into a publick
house and from thence sent for a maidservant whose name I had given her as
the properest to inform her
The maid readily came and as readily when Mrs Jones enquird of her what
was become of Mr Charles or whether he was gone out of town acquainted her
with the disposal of her masters son which the very day after was no secret
to the servants Such sure measures had he taken for the most cruel punishment
of his child for having more interest with his grandmother than he had though
he made use of a pretense plausible enough to get rid of him in this secret
and abrupt manner for fear her fondness should have interposd a bar to his
leaving England and proceeding on a voyage he had concerted for him which
pretext was that it was indispensably necessary to secure a considerable
inheritance that devolvd to him by the death of a rich merchant his own
brother at one of the factories in the SouthSeas of which he had lately
receivd advice together with a copy of the will
In consequence of which resolution to send away his son he had unknown to
him made the necessary preparations for fitting him out struck a bargain with
the captain of a ship whose punctual execution of his orders he had secured by
his interest with his principal owner and patron and in short concerted his
measures so secretly and effectually that whilst his son thought he was going
down the river for a few hours he was stopt on board of a ship debard from
writing and more strictly watchd than a State criminal
Thus was the idol of my soul torn from me and forcd on a long voyage
without taking of one friend or receiving one line of comfort except a dry
explanation and instructions from his father how to proceed when he should
arrive at his destind port enclosing withal some letters of recommendation
to a factor there all these particulars I did not learn minutely till some time
after
The maid at the same time added that she was sure this usage of her sweet
young master would be the death of his grandmama as indeed it provd true for
the old lady on hearing it did not survive the news a whole month and as her
fortune consisted in an annuity out of which she had laid up no reserves she
left nothing worth mentioning to her so fatally envied darling but absolutely
refusd to see his father before she died
When Mrs Jones returnd and I observd her looks they seemd so
unconcernd and even near to pleasd that I half flatterd myself she was
going to set my torturd heart at ease by bringing me good news but this
indeed was a cruel delusion of hope the barbarian with all the coolness
imaginable stabd me to the heart in telling me succinctly that he was sent
away at least on a four years voyage here she stretchd maliciously and that
I could not expect in reason ever to see him again and all this with such
pregnant circumstances that I could not help giving them credit as in general
they were indeed too true
She had hardly finishd her report before I fainted away and after several
successive fits all the while wild and senseless I miscarried of the dear
pledge of my Charless love but the wretched never die when it is fittest they
should die and women are hardlivd to a proverb
The cruel and interested care taken to recover me savd an odious life
which instead of the happiness and joys it had overflowd in all of a sudden
presented no view before me of any thing but the depth of misery horror and
the sharpest affliction
Thus I lay six weeks in the struggles of youth and constitution against
the friendly efforts of death which I constantly invoked to my relief and
deliverance but which proving too weak for my wish I recovered at length tho
into a state of stupefaction and despair that threatened me with the loss of my
senses and a madhouse
Time however that great comforter in ordinary began to assuage the
violence of my sufferings and to numb my feeling of them My health returnd to
me though I still retaind an air of grief dejection and languor which
taking off the ruddiness of my country complexion renderd it rather more
delicate and affecting
The landlady had all this while officiously provided and taken care that I
wanted for nothing and as soon as she saw me retrievd into a condition of
answering her purpose one day after we had dined together she congratulated
me on my recovery the merit of which she took entirely to herself and all this
by way of introduction to a most terrible and scurvy epilogue »You are now«
says she »Miss Fanny tolerably well and you are very welcome to stay in the
lodgings as long as you please you see I have askd you for nothing this long
time but truly I have a call to make up a sum of money which must be
answerd« And with that presents me with a bill of arrears for rent diet
apothecarys charges nurse etc sum total twentythree pounds seventeen and
sixpence towards discharging of which I had not in the world which she well
knew more than seven guineas left by chance of my dear Charless common stock
with me At the same time she desird me to tell her what course I would take
for payment I burst out into a flood of tears and told her my condition adding
that I would sell what few cloaths I had and that for the rest I would pay
her as soon as possible But my distress being favourable to her views only
stiffend her the more
She told me very coolly that »she was indeed sorry for my misfortunes but
that she must do herself justice though it would go to the very heart of her to
send such a tender young creature to prison « At the word prison every drop
of my blood chilld and my fright acted so strongly upon me that turning as
pale and faint as a criminal at the first sight of his place of execution I was
on the point of swooning My landlady who wanted only to terrify me to a
certain point and not to throw me into a state of body inconsistent with her
designs upon it began to soothe me again and told me in a tone composd to
more pity and gentleness that it would be my own fault if she was forcd to
proceed to such extremities but she believd there was a friend to be found in
the world who would make up matters to both our satisfactions and that she
would bring him to drink tea with us that very afternoon when she hoped we
would come to a right understanding in our affairs To all this not a word of
answer I sat mute confounded terrifyd
Mrs Jones however judging rightly that it was time to strike while the
impressions were so strong upon me left me to myself and to all the terrors of
an imagination wounded to death by the idea of going to a prison and from a
principle of selfpreservation snatching at every glimpse of redemption from
it
In this situation I sat near half an hour swallowd up in grief and
despair when my landlady came in and observing a deathlike dejection in my
countenance and still in pursuance of her plan put on a false pity and bidding
me be of a good heart Things she said would not be so bad as I imagined if I
would be but my own friend and closed with telling me she had brought a very
honourable gentleman to drink tea with me who would give me the best advice how
to get rid of all my troubles Upon which without waiting for a reply she goes
out and returns with this very honourable gentleman whose very honourable
procuress she had been on this as well as other occasions
The gentleman on his entering the room made me a very civil bow which I
had scarce strength or presence of mind enough to return a curtsy to when the
landlady taking upon her to do all the honours of the first interview for I
had never that I rememberd seen the gentleman before sets a chair for him
and another for herself All this while not a word on either side a stupid
stare was all the face I could put on this strange visit
The tea was made and the landlady unwilling I suppose to lose any time
observing my silence and shyness before this entire stranger »Come Miss
Fanny« says she in a coarse familiar style and tone of authority »hold up
your head child and do not let sorrow spoil that pretty face of yours What
sorrows are only for a time come be free here is a worthy gentleman who has
heard of your misfortunes and is willing to serve you you must be better
acquainted with him do not you now stand upon your punctilios and this and
that but make your market while you may«
At this so delicate and eloquent harangue the gentleman who saw I lookd
frighted and amazd and indeed incapable of answering took her up for
breaking things in so abrupt a manner as rather to shock than incline me to an
acceptance of the good he intended me then addressing himself to me told me
he was perfectly acquainted with my whole story and every circumstance of my
distress which he ownd was a cruel plunge for one of my youth and beauty to
fall into that he had long taken a liking to my person for which he appeald
to Mrs Jones there present but finding me so absolutely engagd to another
he had lost all hopes of succeeding till he had heard the sudden reverse of
fortune that had happend to me on which he had given particular orders to my
landlady to see that I should want for nothing and that had he not been forcd
abroad to The Hague on affairs he could not refuse himself to he would himself
have attended me during my sickness that on his return which was but the day
before he had on learning my recovery desird my landladys good offices to
introduce him to me and was as angry at least as I was shockd at the manner
in which she had conducted herself towards obtaining him that happiness but
that to shew me how much he disownd her procedure and how far he was from
taking any ungenerous advantage of my situation and from exacting any security
for my gratitude he would before my face that instant discharge my debt
entirely to my landlady and give me her receipt in full after which I should be
at liberty either to reject or grant his suit as he was much above putting any
force upon my inclinations
Whilst he was exposing his sentiments to me I venturd just to look up to
him and observed his figure which was that of a very sightly gentleman well
made about forty drest in a suit of plain cloaths with a large diamond ring
on one of his fingers the lustre of which playd in my eyes as he wavd his
hand in talking and raisd my notions of his importance In short he might
pass for what is commonly calld a comely black man with an air of distinction
natural to his birth and condition
To all his speeches however I answerd only in tears that flowd
plentifully to my relief and choking up my voice excusd me from speaking
very luckily for I should not have known what to say
The sight however movd him as he afterwards told me irresistibly and
by way of giving me some reason to be less powerfully afflicted he drew out his
purse and calling for pen and ink which the landlady was prepard for paid
her every farthing of her demand independent of a liberal gratification which
was to follow unknown to me and taking a receipt in full very tenderly forcd
me to secure it by guiding my hand which he had thrust it into so as to make
me passively put it into my pocket
Still I continued in a state of stupidity or melancholy despair as my
spirits could not yet recover from the violent shocks they had receivd and the
accommodating landlady had actually left the room and me alone with this
strange gentleman before I observd it and then I observd it without alarm
for I was now lifeless and indifferent to everything
The gentleman however no novice in affairs of this sort drew near me and
under the pretence of comforting me first with his handkerchief dried my tears
as they ran down my cheeks presently he venturd to kiss me on my part
neither resistance nor compliance I sat stockstill and now looking on myself
as bought by the payment that had been transacted before me I did not care what
became of my wretched body and wanting life spirits or courage to oppose the
least struggle even that of the modesty of my sex I sufferd tamely whatever
the gentleman pleased who proceeding insensibly from freedom to freedom
insinuated his hand between my handkerchief and bosom which he handled at
discretion finding thus no repulse and that every thing favourd beyond
expectation the completion of his desires he took me in his arms and bore me
without life or motion to the bed on which laying me gently down and having
me at what advantage he pleasd I did not so much as know what he was about
till recovering from a trance of lifeless insensibility I found him buried in
me whilst I lay passive and innocent of the least sensation of pleasure a
deathcold corpse could scarce have less life or sense in it As soon as he had
thus pacified a passion which had too little respected the condition I was in
he got off and after recomposing the disorder of my cloaths employd himself
with the utmost tenderness to calm the transports of remorse and madness at
myself with which I was seized too late I confess for having sufferd on that
bed the embraces of an utter stranger I tore my hair wrung my hands and beat
my breast like a madwoman But when my new master for in that light I then
viewd him applied himself to appease me as my whole rage was levelld at
myself no part of which I thought myself permitted to aim at him I begged of
him with more submission than anger to leave me alone that I might at least
enjoy my affliction in quiet This he positively refused for fear as he
pretended I should do myself a mischief
Violent passions seldom last long and those of women least of any A dead
still calm succeeded this storm which ended in a profuse shower of tears
Had any one but a few instants before told me that I should have ever
known any man but Charles I would have spit in his face or had I been offerd
infinitely a greater sum of money than that I saw paid for me I had spurnd the
proposal in cold blood But our virtues and our vices depend too much on our
circumstances unexpectedly beset as I was betrayd by a mind weakened by a
long severe affliction and stunnd with the terrors of a jail my defeat will
appear the more excusable since I certainly was not present at or a party in
any sense to it However as the first enjoyment is decisive and he was now
over the bar I thought I had no longer a right to refuse the caresses of one
that had got that advantage over me no matter how obtaind conforming myself
then to this maxim I considerd myself as so much in his power that I endurd
his kisses and embraces without affecting struggles or anger not that they as
yet gave me any pleasure or prevaild over the aversion of my soul to give
myself up to any sensation of that sort what I sufferd I sufferd out of a
kind of gratitude and as a matter of course after what had passd
He was however so regardful as not to attempt the renewal of those
extremities which had thrown me just before into such violent agitations but
now secure of possession contented himself with bringing me to temper by
degrees and waiting at the hand of time for those fruits of generosity and
courtship which he since often reproachd himself with having gatherd much too
green when yielding to the invitations of my inability to resist him and
overborne by desires he had wreakd his passion on a mere lifeless spiritless
body dead to all purposes of joy since taking none it ought to be supposd
incapable of giving any This is however certain my heart never thoroughly
forgave him the manner in which I had fallen to him although in point of
interest I had reason to be pleasd that he found in my person wherewithal to
keep him from leaving me as easily as he had gained me
The evening was in the mean time so far advancd that the maid came in to
lay the cloth for supper when I understood with joy that my landlady whose
sight was present poison to me was not to be with us
Presently a neat and elegant supper was introducd and a bottle of
Burgundy with the other necessaries were set on a dumbwaiter
The maid quitting the room the gentleman insisted with a tender warmth
that I should sit up in the elbow chair by the fire and see him eat if I could
not be prevailed on to eat myself I obeyd with a heart full of affliction at
the comparison it made between those delicious têteàtêtes with my ever dear
youth and this forcd situation this new aukward scene imposd and obtruded
on me by cruel necessity
At supper after a great many arguments used to comfort and reconcile me to
my fate he told me that his name was H brother to the Earl of L and that
having by the suggestions of my landlady been led to see me he had found me
perfectly to his taste and given her a commission to procure me at any rate and
that he had at length succeeded as much to his satisfaction as he passionately
wished it might be to mine adding withal some flattering assurances that I
should have no cause to repent my knowledge of him
I had now got down at most half a partridge and three or four glasses of
wine which he compelled me to drink by way of restoring nature but whether
there was anything extraordinary put into the wine or whether there wanted no
more to revive the natural warmth of my constitution and give fire to the old
train I began no longer to look with that constraint not to say disgust on
Mr H which I had hitherto done but withal there was not the least grain
of love mixd with this softening of my sentiments any other man would have
been just the same to me as Mr H that stood in the same circumstances and
had done for me and with me what he had done
There are not on earth at least eternal griefs mine were if not at an
end at least suspended my heart which had been so long overloaded with
anguish and vexation began to dilate and open to the least gleam of diversion
or amusement I wept a little and my tears relievd me I sighd and my sighs
seemd to lighten me of a load that oppressd me my countenance grew if not
cheerful at least more composd and free
Mr H who had watched perhaps brought on this change knew too well not
to seize it he thrust the table imperceptibly from between us and bringing his
chair to face me he soon began after preparing me by all the endearments of
assurances and protestations to lay hold of my hands to kiss me and once more
to make free with my bosom which being at full liberty from the disorder of a
loose dishabille now panted and throbbd less with indignation than with fear
and bashfulness at being used so familiarly by still a stranger But he soon
gave me greater occasion to exclaim by stooping down and slipping his hand
above my garters thence he strove to regain the pass which he had before found
so open and unguarded but now he could not unlock the twist of my thighs I
gently complained and beggd him to let me alone told him I was not well
However as he saw there was more form and ceremony in my resistance than good
earnest he made his conditions for desisting from pursuing his point that I
should be put instantly to bed whilst he gave certain orders to the landlady
and that he would return in an hour when he hoped to find me more reconcild to
his passion for me than I seemd at present I neither assented nor denyd but
my air and manner of receiving this proposal gave him to see that I did not
think myself enough my own mistress to refuse it
Accordingly he went out and left me when a minute or two after before I
could recover myself into any composure for thinking the maid came in with her
mistresss service and a small silver porringer of what she called a bridal
posset and desird me to eat it as I went to bed which consequently I did and
felt immediately a heat a fire run like a hueandcry thro every part of my
body I burnt I glowd and wanted even little of wishing for any man
The maid as soon as I was lain down took the candle away and wishing me a
good night went out of the room and shut the door after her
She had hardly time to get downstairs before Mr H opend my roomdoor
softly and came in now undressd in his nightgown and cap with two lighted
wax candles and bolting the door gave me tho I expected him some sort of
alarm He came a tiptoe to the bedside and said with a gentle whisper »Pray
my dear do not be startled I will be very tender and kind to you« He then
hurryd off his cloaths and leapd into bed having given me openings enough
whilst he was stripping to observe his brawny structure strongmade limbs and
rough shaggy breast
The bed shook again when it receivd this new load He lay on the outside
where he kept the candles burning no doubt for the satisfaction of evry sense
for as soon as he had kissd me he rolled down the bedcloaths and seemed
transported with the view of all my person at full length which he coverd with
a profusion of kisses sparing no part of me Then being on his knees between
my legs he drew up his shirt and bared all his hairy thighs and stiff staring
truncheon redtopt and rooted into a thicket of curls which covered his belly
to the navel and gave it the air of a flesh brush and soon I felt it joining
close to mine when he had drove the nail up to the head and left no partition
but the intermediate hair on both sides
I had it now I felt it now and beginning to drive he soon gave nature
such a powerful summons down to her favourite quarters that she could no longer
refuse repairing thither all my animal spirits then rushd mechanically to that
center of attraction and presently inly warmed and stirrd as I was beyond
bearing I lost all restraint and yielding to the force of the emotion gave
down as mere woman those effusions of pleasure which in the strictness of
still faithful love I could have wished to have held up
Yet oh what an immense difference did I feel between this impression of a
pleasure merely animal and struck out of the collision of the sexes by a
passive bodily effect from that sweet fury that rage of active delight which
crowns the enjoyments of a mutual lovepassion where two hearts tenderly and
truly united club to exalt the joy and give it a spirit and soul that bids
defiance to that end which mere momentary desires generally terminate in when
they die of a surfeit of satisfaction
Mr H whom no distinctions of that sort seemed to disturb scarce gave
himself or me breathing time from the last encounter but as if he had taskd
himself to prove that the appearances of his vigour were not signs hung out in
vain in a few minutes he was in a condition for renewing the onset to which
preluding with a storm of kisses he drove the same course as before with
unbated fervour and thus in repeated engagements kept me constantly in
exercise till dawn of morning in all which time he made me fully sensible of
the virtues of his firm texture of limbs his square shoulders broad chest
compact hard muscles in short a system of manliness that might pass for no bad
image of our ancient sturdy barons when they wielded the battleax whose race
is now so thoroughly refind and frittered away into the more delicate and
modernbuilt frame of our papnervd softlings who are as pale as pretty and
almost as masculine as their sisters
Mr H content however with having the day break upon his triumphs
delivered me up to the refreshment of a rest we both wanted and we soon dropped
into a profound sleep
Tho he was some time awake before me yet did he not offer to disturb a
repose he had given me so much occasion for but on my first stirring which was
not till past ten oclock I was obligd to endure one more trial of his
manhood
About eleven in came Mrs Jones with two basins of the richest soup which
her experience in these matters had movd her to prepare I pass over the
fulsome compliments the cant of the decent procuress with which she saluted us
both but tho my blood rose at the sight of her I supprest my emotions and
gave all my concern to reflections on what would be the consequence of this new
engagement
But Mr H who penetrated my uneasiness did not long suffer me to
languish under it He acquainted me that having taken a solid sincere affection
to me he would begin by giving me one leading mark of it by removing me out of
a house which must for many reasons be irksome and disagreeable to me into
convenient lodgings where he would take all imaginable care of me and desiring
me not to have any explanations with my landlady or be impatient till he
returned he dressd and went out having left me a purse with two and twenty
guineas in it being all he had about him as he expresst it to keep my pocket
till further supplies
As soon as he was gone I felt the usual consequence of the first launch
into vice for my loveattachment to Charles never appeard to me in that
light I was instantly borne away down the stream without making back to the
shore My dreadful necessities my gratitude and above all to say the plain
truth the dissipation and diversion I began to find in this new acquaintance
from the black corroding thoughts my heart had been a prey to ever since the
absence of my dear Charles concurrd to stun all contrary reflections If I now
thought of my first my only charmer it was still with the tenderness and
regret of the fondest love embitterd with the consciousness that I was no
longer worthy of him I could have beggd my bread with him all over the world
but wretch that I was I had neither the virtue nor courage requisite not to
outlive my separation from him
Yet had not my heart been thus preingaged Mr H might probably have
been the sole master of it but the place was full and the force of
conjunctures alone had made him the possessor of my person the charms of which
had by the bye been his sole object and passion and were of course no
foundation for a love either very delicate or very durable
He did not return till six in the evening to take me away to my new
lodgings and my moveables being soon packd and conveyd into a hackneycoach
it cost me but little regret to take my leave of a landlady whom I thought I had
so much reason not to be overpleasd with and as for her part she made no
other difference to my staying or going but what that of the profit created
We soon got to the house appointed for me which was that of a plain
tradesman who on the score of interest was entirely at Mr Hs devotion
and who let him the first floor very genteelly furnishd for two guineas a
week of which I was instated mistress with a maid to attend me
He stayed with me that evening and we had a supper from a neighbouring
tavern after which and a gay glass or two the maid put me to bed Mr H
soon followd and notwithstanding the fatigues of the preceding night I found
no quarter nor remission from him he piqued himself as he told me on doing
the honours of my new apartment
The morning being pretty well advancd we got to breakfast and the ice now
broke my heart no longer engrossd by love began to take ease and to please
itself with such trifles as Mr Hs liberal liking led him to make his court
to the usual vanity of our sex Silks laces earrings pearlnecklace gold
watch in short all the trinkets and articles of dress were lavishly heapd
upon me the sense of which if it did not create returns of love forcd a kind
of grateful fondness something like love a distinction it would be spoiling the
pleasure of nine tenths of the keepers in the town to make and is I suppose
the very good reason why so few of them ever do make it
I was now establishd the kept mistress in form well lodgd with a very
sufficient allowance and lighted up with all the lustre of dress
Mr H continud kind and tender to me yet with all this I was far from
happy for besides my regret for my dear youth which though often suspended
or diverted still returnd upon me in certain melancholic moments with
redoubled violences I wanted more society more dissipation
As to Mr H he was so much my superior in every sense that I felt it
too much to the disadvantage of the gratitude I owd him Thus he gaind my
esteem though he could not raise my taste I was qualifyd for no sort of
conversation with him except one sort and that is a satisfaction which leaves
tiresome intervals if not filld up by love or other amusements
Mr H so experiencd so learned in the ways of women numbers of whom
had passed through his hands doubtless soon perceivd this uneasiness and
without approving or liking me the better for it had the complaisance to
indulge me
He made suppers at my lodgings where he brought several companions of his
pleasures with their mistresses and by this means I got into a circle of
acquaintance that soon stripd me of all the remains of bashfulness and modesty
which might be yet left of my country education and were to a just taste
perhaps the greatest of my charms
We visited one another in form and mimicd as near as we could all the
miseries the follies and impertinences of the women of quality in the round
of which they trifle away their time without its ever entering into their
little heads that on earth there cannot subsist any thing more silly more flat
more insipid and worthless than generally considerd their system of life is
they ought to treat the men as their tyrants indeed were they to condemn them
to it
But tho amongst the kept mistresses and I was now acquainted with a good
many besides some useful matrons who live by their connexions with them I
hardly knew one that did not perfectly detest her keeper and of course made
little or no scruple of any infidelity she could safely accomplish I had still
no notion of wronging mine for besides that no mark of jealousy on his side
induced in me the desire or gave me the provocation to play him a trick of that
sort and that his constant generosity politeness and tender attentions to
please me forcd a regard to him that without affecting my heart insurd him
my fidelity no object had yet presented that could overcome the habitual liking
I had contracted for him and I was on the eve of obtaining from the movements
of his own voluntary generosity a modest provision for life when an accident
happend which broke all the measures he had resolvd upon in my favour
I had now livd near seven months with Mr H when one day returning to
my lodgings from a visit in the neighbourhood where I usd to stay longer I
found the street door open and the maid of the house standing at it talking
with some of her acquaintances so that I came in without knocking and as I
passed by she told me Mr H was above I stept upstairs into my own
bedchamber with no other thought than of pulling off my hat etc and then to
wait upon him in the dining room into which my bedchamber had a door as is
common enough Whilst I was untying my hatstrings I fancied I heard my maid
Hannahs voice and a sort of tussle which raising my curiosity I stole softly
to the door where a knot in the wood had been slipt out and afforded a very
commanding peephole to the scene then in agitation the actors of which had
been too earnestly employd to hear my opening my own door from the
landingplace of the stairs into my bedchamber
The first sight that struck me was Mr H pulling and hauling this coarse
country strammel towards a couch that stood in a corner of the dining room to
which the girl made only a sort of aukward hoidening resistance crying out so
loud that I who listened at the door could scarce hear her »Pray sir dont
let me alone I am not for your turn You cannot sure demean
yourself with such a poor body as I Lord Sir my mistress may come home
I must not indeed I will cry out « All of which did not hinder her from
insensibly suffering herself to be brought to the foot of the couch upon which
a push of no mighty violence servd to give her a very easy fall and my
gentleman having got up his hands to the stronghold of her VIRTUE she no
doubt thought it was time to give up the argument and that all further defense
would be vain and he throwing her petticoats over her face which was now as
red as scarlet discoverd a pair of stout plump substantial thighs and
tolerably white he mounted them round his hips and coming out with his drawn
weapon stuck it in the cloven spot where he seemd to find a less difficult
entrance than perhaps he had flatterd himself with for by the way this
blouze had left her place in the country for a bastard and indeed all his
motions shewd he was lodgd pretty much at large After he had done his DEAREE
gets up drops her petticoats down and smooths her apron and handkerchief Mr
H lookd a little silly and taking out some money gave it her with an air
indifferent enough bidding her be a good girl and say nothing
Had I lovd this man it was not in nature for me to have had patience to
see the whole scene through I should have broke in and playd the jealous
princess with a vengeance But that was not the case my pride alone was hurt
my heart not and I could easier win upon myself to see how far he would go
till I had no uncertainty upon my conscience
The least delicate of all affairs of this sort being now over I retird
softly into my closet where I began to consider what I should do My first
scheme naturally was to rush in and upbraid them this indeed flatterd my
present emotions and vexations as it would have given immediate vent to them
but on second thoughts not being so clear as to the consequences to be
apprehended from such a step I began to doubt whether it was not better to
dissemble my discovery till a safer season when Mr H should have perfected
the settlement he had made overtures to me of and which I was not to think such
a violent explanation as I was indeed not equal to the management of could
possibly forward and might destroy On the other hand the provocation seemd
too gross too flagrant not to give me some thoughts of revenge the very start
of which idea restord me to perfect composure and delighted as I was with the
confusd plan of it in my head I was easily mistress enough of myself to
support the part of ignorance I had prescribd to myself and as all this circle
of reflections was instantly over I stole a tiptoe to the passage door and
opening it with a noise passd for having that moment come home and after a
short pause as if to pull off my things I opened the door into the dining
room where I found the dowdy blowing the fire and my faithful shepherd walking
about the room and whistling as cool and unconcernd as if nothing had
happened I think however he had not much to brag of having outdissembled me
for I kept up nobly the character of our sex for art and went up to him with
the same open air of frankness as I had ever receivd him He stayed but a
little while made some excuse for not being able to stay the evening with me
and went out
As for the wench she was now spoild at least for my servant and scarce
eight and forty hours were gone round before her insolence on what had passd
between Mr H and her gave me so fair an occasion to turn her away at a
minutes warning that not to have done it would have been the wonder so that
he could neither disapprove it nor find in it the least reason to suspect my
original motive What became of her afterwards I know not but generous as Mr
H was he undoubtedly made her amends though I dare answer that he kept up
no farther commerce with her of that sort as his stooping to such a coarse
morsel was only a sudden sally of lust on seeing a wholesomelooking buxom
countrywench and no more strange than hunger or even a whimsical appetites
making a fling meal of neckbeef for change of diet
Had I considerd this escapade of Mr H in no more than that light and
contented myself with turning away the wench I had thought and acted right
but flushd as I was with imaginary wrongs I should have held Mr H to have
been cheaply off if I had not pushd my revenge farther and repaid him as
exactly as I could for the soul of me in the same coin
Nor was this worthy act of justice long delayd I had it too much at heart
Mr H had about a fortnight before taken into his service a tenants son
just come out of the country a very handsome young lad scarce turnd of
nineteen fresh as a rose well shapd and clever limbd in short a very good
excuse for any womans liking even tho revenge had been out of the question
any woman I say who was disprejudicd and had wit and spirit enough to prefer
a point of pleasure to a point of pride
Mr H had clapd a livery upon him and his chief employ was after being
shewn my lodgings to bring and carry letters or messages between his master and
me and as the situation of all kept ladies is not the fittest to inspire
respect even to the meanest of mankind and perhaps less of it from the most
ignorant I could not help observing that this lad who was I suppose
acquainted with my relation to his master by his fellowservants used to eye me
in that bashful confusd way more expressive more moving and readier catchd
at by our sex than any other declarations whatever my figure had it seems
struck him and modest and innocent as he was he did not himself know that the
pleasure he took in looking at me was love or desire but his eyes naturally
wanton and now enflamd with passion spoke a great deal more than he durst
have imagind they did Hitherto indeed I had only taken notice of the
comeliness of the youth but without the least design my pride alone would have
guarded me from a thought that way had not Mr Hs condescension with my
maid where there was not half the temptation in point of person set me a
dangerous example but now I began to look on this stripling as every way a
delicious instrument of my designd retaliation upon Mr H of an obligation
for which I should have made a conscience to die in his debt
In order then to pave the way for the accomplishment of my scheme for two
or three times that the young fellow came to me with messages I managd so as
without affectation to have him admitted to my bedside or brought to me at my
toilet where I was dressing and by carelessly shewing or letting him see as
if without meaning or design sometimes my bosom rather more bare than it should
be sometimes my hair of which I had a very fine head in the natural flow of
it while combing sometimes a neat leg that had unfortunately slipt its garter
which I made no scruple of tying before him easily gave him the impressions
favourable to my purpose which I could perceive to sparkle in his eyes and
glow in his cheeks then certain slight squeezes by the hand as I took letters
from him did his business compleatly
When I saw him thus movd and fired for my purpose I inflamd him yet
more by asking him several leading questions such as had he a mistress
was she prettier than me could he love such a one as I was and the
like to all which the blushing simpleton answerd to my wish in a strain of
perfect nature perfect undebauchd innocence but with all the aukwardness and
simplicity of countrybreeding
When I thought I had sufficiently ripend him for the laudable point I had
in view one day that I expected him at a particular hour I took care to have
the coast clear for the reception I designd him and as I laid it he came to
the diningroom door tapped at it and on my bidding him come in he did so
and shut the door after him I desird him then to bolt it on the inside
pretending it would not otherwise keep shut
I was then lying at length upon that very couch the scene of Mr Hs
polite joys in an undress which was with all the art of negligence flowing
loose and in a most tempting disorder no stays no hoop no incumbrance
whatever On the other hand he stood at a little distance that gave me a full
view of a fine featurd shapely healthy country lad breathing the sweets of
fresh blooming youth his hair which was of a perfect shining black playd to
his face in natural sidecurls and was set out with a smart tuckup behind new
buckskin breeches that clipping close shewd the shape of a plump well made
thigh white stockings garterlacd livery shoulder knot altogether composd
a figure in which the beauties of pure flesh and blood appeared under no
disgrace from the lowness of a dress to which a certain spruce neatness seems
peculiarly fitted
I bid him come towards me and give me his letter at the same time throwing
down carelessly a book I had in my hands He colourd and came within reach
of delivering me the letter which he held out aukwardly enough for me to
take with his eyes riveted on my bosom which was through the designd
disorder of my handkerchief sufficiently bare and rather shaded than hid
I smiling in his face took the letter and immediately catching gently
hold of his shirt sleeve drew him towards me blushing and almost trembling
for surely his extreme bashfulness and utter inexperience calld for at
least all the advances to encourage him his body was now conveniently inclind
towards me and just softly chucking his smooth beardless chin I asked him if
he was afraid of a lady and with that took and carrying his hand to my
breasts I prest it tenderly to them They were now finely furnishd and raisd
in flesh so that panting with desire they rose and fell in quick heaves
under his touch at this the boys eyes began to lighten with all the fires of
inflamd nature and his cheeks flushd with a deep scarlet tonguetied with
joy rapture and bashfulness he could not speak but then his looks his
emotion sufficiently satisfyd me that my train had taken and that I had no
disappointment to fear
My lips which I threw in his way so as that he could not escape kissing
them fixd fired and emboldend him and now glancing my eyes towards that
part of his dress which coverd the essential object of enjoyment I plainly
discoverd the swell and commotion there and as I was now too far advancd to
stop in so fair a way and was indeed no longer able to contain myself or wait
the slower progress of his maiden bashfulness for such it seemd and really
was I stole my hand upon his thighs down one of which I could both see and
feel a stiff hard body confind by his breeches that my fingers could discover
no end to Curious then and eager to unfold so alarming a mystery playing as
it were with his buttons which were bursting ripe from the active force
within those of his waistband and foreflap flew open at a touch when out IT
started and now disengagd from the shirt I saw with wonder and surprise
what not the plaything of a boy not the weapon of a man but a maypole of so
enormous a standard that had proportions been observd it must have belongd
to a young giant Its prodigious size made me shrink again yet I could not
without pleasure behold and even venturd to feel such a length such a
breadth of animated ivory perfectly well turnd and fashiond the proud
stiffness of which distended its skin whose smooth polish and velvet softness
might vie with that of the most delicate of our sex and whose exquisite
whiteness was not a little set off by a sprout of black curling hair round the
root through the jetty sprigs of which the fair skin shewd as in a fine
evening you may have remarkd the clear light æther through the branchwork of
distant trees overtopping the summit of a hill then the broad and
blueishcasted incarnate of the head and blue serpentines of its veins
altogether composd the most striking assemblage of figure and colours in
nature In short it stood an object of terror and delight
But what was yet more surprising the owner of this natural curiosity
through the want of occasions in the strictness of his homebreeding and the
little time he had been in town not having afforded him one was hitherto an
absolute stranger in practice at least to the use of all that manhood he was
so nobly stockd with and it now fell to my lot to stand his first trial of it
if I could resolve to run the risks of its disproportion to that tender part of
me which such an oversizd machine was very fit to lay in ruins
But it was now of the latest to deliberate for by this time the young
fellow overheated with the present objects and too high mettled to be longer
curbd in by that modesty and awe which had hitherto restraind him venturd
under the stronger impulse and instructive promptership of nature alone to slip
his hands trembling with eager impetuous desires under my petticoats and
seeing I suppose nothing extremely severe in my looks to stop or dash him he
feels out and seizes gently the centerspot of his ardours Oh then the
fiery touch of his fingers determines me and my fears melting away before the
glowing intolerable heat my thighs disclose of themselves and yield all
liberty to his hand and now a favourable movement giving my petticoats a toss
the avenue lay too fair too open to be missd He is now upon me I had placed
myself with a jet under him as commodious and open as possible to his attempts
which were untoward enough for his machine meeting with no inlet bore and
batterd stiffly against me in random pushes now above now below now beside
his point till burning with impatience from its irritating touches I guided
gently with my hand this furious engine to where my young novice was now to be
taught his first lesson of pleasure Thus he nickd at length the warm and
insufficient orifice but he was made to find no breach impracticable and mine
tho so often enterd was still far from wide enough to take him easily in
By my direction however the head of his unwieldy machine was so critically
pointed that feeling him foreright against the tender opening a favourable
motion from me met his timely thrust by which the lips of it strenuously
dilated gave way to his thus assisted impetuosity so that we might both feel
that he had gaind a lodgment Pursuing then his point he soon by violent
and to me most painful piercing thrusts wedges himself at length so far in
as to be now tolerably secure of his entrance here he stuck and I now felt
such a mixture of pleasure and pain as there is no giving a definition of I
dreaded alike his splitting me farther up or his withdrawing I could not bear
either to keep or part with him The sense of pain however prevailing from his
prodigious size and stiffness acting upon me in those continued rapid thrusts
with which he furiously pursud his penetration made me cry out gently »Oh my
dear you hurt me« This was enough to check the tender respectful boy even in
his midcareer and he immediately drew out the sweet cause of my complaint
whilst his eyes eloquently expressd at once his grief for hurting me and his
reluctance at dislodging from quarters of which the warmth and closeness had
given him a gust of pleasure that he was now desiremad to satisfy and yet too
much a novice not to be afraid of my withholding his relief on account of the
pain he had put me to
But I was myself far from being pleasd with his having too much regarded
my tender exclaims for now more and more fired with the object before me as
it still stood with the fiercest erection unbonnetted and displaying its broad
vermilion head I first gave the youth a reencouraging kiss which he repaid me
with a fervour that seemd at once to thank me and bribe my farther compliance
and soon replacd myself in a posture to receive at all risks the renewd
invasion which he did not delay an instant for being presently remounted I
once more felt the smooth hard gristle forcing an entrance which he achievd
rather easier than before Paind however as I was with his efforts of
gaining a complete admission which he was so regardful as to manage by gentle
degrees I took care not to complain In the meantime the soft strait passage
gradually loosens yields and stretchd to its utmost bearing by the stiff
thick indriven engine sensible at once to the ravishing pleasure of the feel
and the pain of the distension let him in about half way when all the most
nervous activity he now exerted to further his penetration gaind him not an
inch of his purpose for whilst he hesitated there the crisis of pleasure
overtook him and the close compressure of the warm surrounding fold drew from
him the extatic gush even before mine was ready to meet it kept up by the pain
I had endurd in the course of the engagement from the insufferable size of his
weapon tho it was not as yet in above half its length
I expected then but without wishing it that he would draw but was
pleasantly disappointed for he was not to be let off so The well breathd
youth hotmettled and flush with genial juices was now fairly in for making
me know my driver As soon then as he had made a short pause waking as it
were out of the trance of pleasure in which every sense seemd lost for a
while whilst with his eyes shut and short quick breathing he had yielded
down his maiden tribute he still kept his post yet unsated with enjoyment
and solacing in these so new delights till his stiffness which had scarce
perceptibly remitted being thoroughly recovered to him who had not once
unsheathd he proceeded afresh to cleave and open to himself an entire entry
into me which was not a little made easy to him by the balsamic injection with
which he had just plentifully moistend the whole internals of the passage
Redoubling then the active energy of his thrusts favoured by the fervid
appetite of my motions the soft oiled wards can no longer stand so effectual a
picklock but yield and open him an entrance And now with conspiring nature
and my industry strong to aid him he pierces penetrates and at length
winning his way inch by inch gets entirely in and finally mighty thrust
sheaths it up to the guard on the information of which from the close jointure
of our bodies insomuch that the hair on both sides perfectly interweavd and
incircld together the eyes of the transported youth sparkld with more joyous
fires and all his looks and motions acknowledged excess of pleasure which I
now began to share for I felt him in my very vitals I was quite sick with
delight stird beyond bearing with its furious agitations within me and gorged
and crammd even to surfeit Thus I lay gasping panting under him till his
broken breathings faltering accents eyes twinkling with humid fires lunges
more furious and an increased stiffness gave me to hail the approaches of the
second period it came and the sweet youth overpowerd with the extasy
died away in my arms melting in a flood that shot in genial warmth into the
innermost recesses of my body every conduit of which dedicated to that
pleasure was on flow to mix with it Thus we continued for some instants lost
breathless senseless of every thing and in every part but those favourite ones
of nature in which all that we enjoyed of life and sensation was now totally
concentred
When our mutual trance was a little over and the young fellow had withdrawn
that delicious stretcher with which he had most plentifully drowned all
thoughts of revenge in the sense of actual pleasure the widend wounded passage
refunded a stream of pearly liquids which flowed down my thighs mixed with
streaks of blood the marks of the ravage of that monstrous machine of his
which had now triumphd over a kind of second maidenhead I stole however my
handkerchief to those parts and wipd them as dry as I could whilst he was
readjusting and buttoning up
I made him now sit down by me and as he had gatherd courage from such
extreme intimacy he gave me an aftercourse of pleasure in a natural burst of
tender gratitude and joy at the new scenes of bliss I had opened to him scenes
positively new as he had never before had the least acquaintance with that
mysterious mark the cloven stamp of female distinction tho nobody better
qualifyd than he to penetrate into its deepest recesses or do it nobler
justice But when by certain motions certain unquietnesses of his hands that
wandered not without design I found he languishd for satisfying a curiosity
natural enough to view and handle those parts which attract and concentre the
warmest force of imagination charmed as I was to have any occasion of obliging
and humouring his young desires I sufferd him to proceed as he pleased
without check or control to the satisfaction of them
Easily then reading in my eyes the full permission of myself to all his
wishes he scarce pleased himself more than me when having insinuated his hand
under my petticoat and shift he presently removed those bars to the sight by
slyly lifting them upwards under favour of a thousand kisses which he thought
perhaps necessary to divert my attention from what he was about All my drapery
being now rolld up to my waist I threw myself into such a posture upon the
couch as gave up to him in full view the whole region of delight and all the
luxurious landscape round it The transported youth devourd every thing with
his eyes and tryd with his fingers to lay more open to his sight the secrets
of that dark and delicious deep he opens the folding lips the softness of
which yielding entry to any thing of a hard body close round it and oppose
the sight and feeling further meets with and wonders at a soft fleshy
excrescence which limber and relaxed after the late enjoyment now grew under
the touch and examination of his fiery fingers more and more stiff and
considerable till the titillating ardours of that so sensible part made me
sigh as if he had hurt me on which he withdrew his curious probing fingers
asking me pardon as it were in a kiss that rather increased the flame there
Novelty ever makes the strongest impressions and in pleasures especially
no wonder then that he was swallowed up in raptures of admiration of things so
interesting by their nature and now seen and handled for the first time On my
part I was richly overpaid for the pleasure I gave him in that of examining
the power of those objects thus abandond to him naked and free to his loosest
wish over the artless natural stripling his eyes streaming fire his cheeks
glowing with a florid red his fervid frequent sighs whilst his hands
convulsively squeezd opened pressed together again the lips and sides of that
deep flesh wound or gently twitched the overgrowing moss and all proclaimed
the excess the riot of joys in having his wantonness thus humourd But he did
not long abuse my patience for the objects before him had now put him by all
his and coming out with that formidable machine of his he lets the fury
loose and pointing it directly to the poutinglipt mouth that bid him sweet
defiance in dumbshew squeezes in the head and driving with refreshed rage
breaks in and plugs up the whole passage of that soft pleasureconduit where
he makes all shake again and put once more all within me into such an uproar
as nothing could still but a fresh inundation from the very engine of those
flames as well as from all the springs with which nature floats that reservoir
of joy when risen to its floodmark
I was now so bruised so batterd so spent with this overmatch that I
could hardly stir or raise myself but lay palpitating till the ferment of my
sense subsiding by degrees and the hour striking at which I was obligd to
dispatch my young man I tenderly advised him of the necessity there was for
parting which I felt as much displeasure at as he could do who seemed eagerly
disposed to keep the field and to enter on a fresh action But the danger was
too great and after some hearty kisses of leave and recommendations of secrecy
and discretion I forcd myself to send him away not without assurances of
seeing him again to the same purpose as soon as possible and thrust a guinea
into his hands not more lest being too flush of money a suspicion or
discovery might arise from thence having everything to fear from the dangerous
indiscretion of that age in which young fellows would be too irresistible too
charming if we had not that terrible fault to guard against
Giddy and intoxicated as I was with such satiating draughts of pleasure I
still lay on the couch supinely stretched out in a delicious languor diffusd
over all my limbs hugging myself for being thus revenged to my hearts content
and that in a manner so precisely alike and on the identical spot in which I
had received the supposed injury No reflections on the consequences ever once
perplexd me nor did I make myself one single reproach for having by this
step completely entered myself of a profession more decryd than disused I
should have held it ingratitude to the pleasure I had received to have repented
of it and since I was now over the bar I thought by plunging over head and
ears into the stream I was hurried away by to drown all sense of shame or
reflection
Whilst I was thus making these laudable dispositions and whispering to
myself a kind of tacit vow of incontinency enters Mr H The consciousness of
what I had been doing deepend yet the glowing of my cheeks flushed with the
warmth of the late action which joined to the piquant air of my dishabille
drew from Mr H a compliment on my looks which he was proceeding to back the
sincerity of with proofs and that with so brisk an action as made me tremble
for fear of a discovery from the condition of those parts were left in from
their late severe handling the orifice dilated and inflamed the lips swollen
with their uncommon distension the ringlets pressed down crushed and uncurld
with the overflowing moisture that had wet every thing round it in short the
different feel and state of things would hardly have passed upon one of Mr
Hs nicety and experience unaccounted for but by the real cause But here the
woman saved me I pretended a violent disorder of my head and a feverish heat
that indisposd me too much to receive his embraces He gave in to this and
goodnaturedly desisted Soon after an old lady coming in made a third very
àpropos for the confusion I was in and Mr H after bidding me take care of
myself and recommending me to my repose left me much at ease and relievd by
his absence
In the close of the evening I took care to have prepard for me a warm bath
of aromatick and sweet herbs in which having fully laved and solaced myself I
came out voluptuously refreshd in body and spirit
The next morning waking pretty early after a nights perfect rest and
composure it was not without some dread and uneasiness that I thought of what
innovation that tender soft system of mine might have sustained from the shock
of a machine so sized for its destruction
Struck with this apprehension I scarce dared to carry my hand thither to
inform myself of the state and posture of things
But I was soon agreeably curd of my fears
The silky hair that covered round the borders now smoothd and repruned
had resumed its wonted curl and trimness the fleshy pouting lips that had stood
the brunt of the engagement were no longer swollen or moisturedrenched and
neither they nor the passage into which they opened that suffered so great a
dilatation betrayd any the least alteration outward or inwardly to the most
curious research notwithstanding also the laxity that naturally follows the
warm bath
This continuation of that grateful stricture which is in us to the men the
very jet of their pleasure I owd it seems to a happy habit of body juicy
plump and furnished towards the texture of those parts with a fullness of soft
springy flesh that yielding sufficiently as it does to almost any distension
soon recovers itself so as to retighten that strict compression of its mantlings
and folds which form the sides of the passage wherewith it so tenderly
embraces and closely clips any foreign body introducd into it such as my
exploring finger then was
Finding then every thing in due tone and order I rememberd my fears only
to make a jest of them to myself And now palpably mistress of any size of man
and triumphing in my double achievement of pleasure and revenge I abandond
myself entirely to the ideas of all the delight I had swam in I lay stretching
out glowingly alive all over and tossing with burning impatience for the
renewal of joys that had sinned but in a sweet excess nor did I loose my
longing for about ten in the morning according to expectation Will my new
humble sweetheart came with a message from his master Mr H to know how I
did I had taken care to send my maid on an errand into the city that I was
sure would take up time enough and from the people of the house I had nothing
to fear as they were plain good sort of folks and wise enough to mind no more
other peoples business than they could well help
All dispositions then made not forgetting that of lying in bed to receive
him when he was entered the door of my bedchamber a latch that I governed by
a wire descended and securd it
I could not but observe that my young minion was as much spruced out as
could be expected from one in his condition a desire of pleasing that could not
be indifferent to me since it provd that I pleased him which I assure you
was now a point I was not above having in view
His hair trimly dressed clean linen and above all a hale ruddy
wholesome country look made him out as pretty a piece of womans meat as you
could see and I should have thought any one much out of taste that could not
have made a hearty meal of such a morsel as nature seemed to have designd for
the highest diet of pleasure
And why should I here suppress the delight I received from this amiable
creature in remarking each artless look each motion of pure undissembled
nature betrayed by his wanton eyes or shewing transparently the glow and
suffusion of blood through his fresh clear skin whilst even his sturdy rustic
pressures wanted not their peculiar charm Oh but say you this was a young
fellow of too low a rank of life to deserve so great a display May be so but
was my condition strictly considerd one jot more exalted or had I really
been much above him did not his capacity of giving such exquisite pleasure
sufficiently raise and ennoble him to me at least Let who would for me
cherish respect and reward the painters the statuarys the musicians arts
in proportion to delight taken in them but at my age and with my taste for
pleasure a taste strongly constitutional to me the talent of pleasing with
which nature has endowed a handsome person formd to me the greatest of all
merits compared to which the vulgar prejudices in favour of titles dignities
honours and the like held a very low rank indeed Nor perhaps would the
beauties of the body be so much affected to be held cheap were they in their
nature to be bought and delivered But for me whose natural philosophy all
resided in the favourite center of sense and who was ruld by its powerful
instinct in taking pleasure by its right handle I could scarce have made a
choice more to my purpose
Mr Hs loftier qualifications of birth fortune and sense laid me under
a sort of subjection and constraint that were far from making harmony in the
concert of love nor had he perhaps thought me worth softening that
superiority to but with this lad I was more on that level which love delights
in
We may say what we please but those we can be the easiest and freest with
are ever those we like not to say love the best
With this stripling all whose art of love was the action of it I could
without check of awe or restraint give a loose to joy and execute every scheme
of dalliance my fond fancy might put me on in which he was in every sense a
most exquisite companion And now my great pleasure lay in humouring all the
petulances all the wanton frolic of a raw novice just fleshed and keen on the
burning scent of his game but unbroken to the sport and to carry on the
figure who could better THREAD THE WOOD than he or stand fairer for the HEART
OF THE HUNT
He advancd then to my bedside and whilst he faltered out his message I
could observe his colour rise and his eyes lighten with joy in seeing me in a
situation as favourable to his loosest wishes as if he had bespoke the play
I smiled and put out my hand towards him which he kneeled down to a
politeness taught him by love alone that great master of it and greedily
kissd After exchanging a few confused questions and answers I askd him if he
would come to bed to me for the little time I could venture to detain him This
was just asking a person dying with hunger to feast upon the dish on earth the
most to his palate Accordingly without further reflection his cloaths were
off in an instant when blushing still more at his new liberty he got under
the bedcloaths I held up to receive him and was now in bed with a woman for
the first time in his life
Here began the usual tender preliminaries as delicious perhaps as the
crowning act of enjoyment itself which they often beget an impatience of that
makes pleasure destructive of itself by hurrying on the final period and
closing that scene of bliss in which the actors are generally too well pleasd
with their parts not to wish them an eternity of duration
When we had sufficiently graduated our advances towards the main point by
toying kissing clipping feeling my breasts now round and plump feeling that
part of me I might call a furnacemouth from the prodigious intense heat his
fiery touches had rekindled there my young sportsman emboldend by every
freedom he could wish wantonly takes my hand and carries it to that enormous
machine of his that stood with a stiffness a hardness an upward bent of
erection and which together with its bottom dependence the inestimable bulge
of ladys jewels formed a grand show out of goods indeed Then its dimensions
mocking either grasp or span almost renewd my terrors
I could not conceive how or by what means I could take or put such a bulk
out of sight I stroked it gently on which the mutinous rogue seemed to swell
and gather a new degree of fierceness and insolence so that finding it grew not
to be trifled with any longer I prepard for rubbers in good earnest
Slipping then a pillow under me that I might give him the fairest play I
guided officiously with my hand this furious battering ram whose ruby head
presenting nearest the resemblance of a heart I applied to its proper mark
which lay as finely elevated as we could wish my hips being borne up and my
thighs at their utmost extension the gleamy warmth that shot from it made him
feel that he was at the mouth of the indraught and driving foreright the
powerfully divided lips of that pleasurethirsty channel receivd him He
hesitated a little then settled well in the passage he makes his way up the
straits of it with a difficulty nothing more than pleasing widening as he
went so as to distend and smooth each soft furrow our pleasure increasing
deliciously in proportion as our points of mutual touch increasd in that so
vital part of me in which I had now taken him all indriven and completely
sheathed and which crammed as it was stretched splitting ripe gave it so
gratefully strait an accommodation so strict a fold a suction so fierce that
gave and took unutterable delight We had now reachd the closest point of
union but when he backened to come on the fiercer as if I had been actuated by
a fear of losing him in the height of my fury I twisted my legs round his naked
loins the flesh of which so firm so springy to the touch quiverd again
under the pressure and now I had him every way encircled and begirt and having
drawn him home to me I kept him fast there as if I had sought to unite bodies
with him at that point This bred a pause of action a pleasure stop whilst
that delicate glutton my nethermouth as full as it could hold kept palating
with exquisite relish the morsel that so deliciously ingorged it But nature
could not long endure a pleasure that so highly provoked without satisfying it
pursuing then its darling end the battery recommencd with redoubled exertion
nor lay I inactive on my side but encountering him with all the impetuosity of
motion I was mistress of The downy cloth of our meeting mounts was now of real
use to break the violence of the tilt and soon too soon indeed the
highwrought agitation the sweet urgency of this toandfro friction raised the
titillation on me to its height so that finding myself on the point of going
and loath to leave the tender partner of my joys behind me I employed all the
forwarding motions and arts my experience suggested to me to promote his
keeping me company to our journeys end I not only then tightend the
pleasuregirth round my restless inmate by a secret spring of friction and
compression that obeys the will in those parts but stole my hand softly to that
store bag of natures prime sweets which is so pleasingly attachd to its
conduit pipe from which we receive them there feeling and most gently indeed
squeezing those tender globular reservoirs the magic touch took instant effect
quickend and brought on upon the spur the symptoms of that sweet agony the
melting moment of dissolution when pleasure dies by pleasure and the
mysterious engine of it overcomes the titillation it has raisd in those parts
by plying them with the stream of a warm liquid that is itself the highest of
all titillations and which they thirstily express and draw in like the
hotnatured leach which to cool itself tenaciously attracts all the moisture
within its sphere of exsuction Chiming then to me with exquisite consent as I
melted away his oily balsamic injection mixing deliciously with the sluices in
flow from me sheathd and blunted all the stings of pleasure it flung us into
an extasy that extended us fainting breathless entranced Thus we lay whilst
a voluptuous languor possest and still maintaind us motionless and fast locked
in one anothers arms Alas that these delights should be no longerlived for
now the point of pleasure unedged by enjoyment and all the brisk sensations
flattend upon us resigned us up to the cool cares of insipid life Disengaging
myself then from his embrace I made him sensible of the reasons there were for
his present leaving me on which though reluctantly he put on his cloaths with
as little expedition however as he could help wantonly interrupting himself
between whiles with kisses touches and embraces I could not refuse myself to
Yet he happily returnd to his master before he was missed but at taking
leave I forcd him for he had sentiments enough to refuse it to receive money
enough to buy a silver watch that great article of subaltern finery which he
at length accepted of as a remembrance he was carefully to preserve of my
affections
And here Madam I ought perhaps to make you an apology for this minute
detail of things that dwelt so strongly upon my memory after so deep an
impression but besides that this intrigue bred one great revolution in my
life which historical truth requires I should not sink from you may I not
presume that so exalted a pleasure ought not to be ungratefully forgotten or
suppressd by me because I found it in a character in low life where by the
bye it is oftener met with purer and more unsophisticate that among the
false ridiculous refinements with which the great suffer themselves to be so
grossly cheated by their pride the great than whom there exist few amongst
those they call the vulgar who are more ignorant of or who cultivate less the
art of living than they do they I say who for ever mistake things the most
foreign of the nature of pleasure itself whose capital favourite object is
enjoyment of beauty wherever that rare invaluable gift is found without
distinction of birth or station
As love never had so now revenge had no longer any share in my commerce
with this handsome youth The sole pleasures of enjoyment were now the link I
held to him by for though nature had done such great matters for him in his
outward form and especially in that superb piece of furniture she had so
liberally enrichd him with though he was thus qualifyd to give the senses
their richest feast still there was something more wanting to create in me and
constitute the passion of love Yet Will had very good qualities too gentle
tractable and above all grateful close and secret even to a fault he
spoke at any time very little but made it up emphatically with action and
to do him justice he never gave me the least reason to complain either of any
tendency to encroach upon me for the liberties I allowd him or of his
indiscretion in blabbing them There is then a fatality in love or have loved
him I must for he was really a treasure a bit for the BONNE BOUCHE of a
duchess and to say the truth my liking for him was so extreme that it was
distinguishing very nicely to deny that I loved him
My happiness however with him did not last long but found an end from my
own imprudent neglect After having taken even superfluous precautions against a
discovery our success in repeated meetings emboldend me to omit the barely
necessary ones About a month after our first intercourse one fatal morning
the season Mr H rarely or never visited me in I was in my closet where my
toilet stood in nothing but my shift a bed gown and underpetticoat Will was
with me and both ever too well disposed to baulk an opportunity For my part a
warm whim a wanton toy had just taken me and I had challengd my man to
execute it on the spot who hesitated not to comply with my humour I was set in
the armchair my shift and petticoat up my thighs wide spread and mounted over
the arms of the chair presenting the fairest mark to Wills drawn weapon which
he stood in act to plunge into me when having neglected to secure the chamber
door and that of the closet standing ajar Mr H stole in upon us before
either of us was aware and saw us precisely in these convicting attitudes
I gave a great scream and dropd my petticoat the thunderstruck lad stood
trembling and pale waiting his sentence of death Mr H looked sometimes at
one sometimes at the other with a mixture of indignation and scorn and
without saying a word turnd upon his heel and went out
As confused as I was I heard him very distinctly turn the key and lock the
chamberdoor upon us so that there was no escape but through the diningroom
where he himself was walking about with distempered strides stamping in a great
chafe and doubtless debating what he would do with us
In the mean time poor William was frightened out of his senses and as
much need as I had of spirits to support myself I was obliged to employ them
all to keep his a little up The misfortune I had now brought upon him endeard
him the more to me and I could have joyfully suffered any punishment he had not
shared in I waterd plentifully with my tears the face of the frightened
youth who sat not having strength to stand as cold and as lifeless as a
statue
Presently Mr H comes in to us again and made us go before him into the
diningroom trembling and dreading the issue Mr H sat down on a chair
whilst we stood like criminals under examination and beginning with me askd
me with an even firm tone of voice neither soft nor severe but cruelly
indifferent what I could say for myself for having abused him in so unworthy a
manner with his own servant too and how he had deservd this of me
Without adding to the guilt of my infidelity that of an audacious defence of
it in the old style of a common kept Miss my answer was modest and often
interrupted by my tears in substance as follows that I never had a single
thought of wronging him which was true till I had seen him taking the last
liberties with my servantwench here he colourd prodigiously and that my
resentment at that which I was overawed from giving vent to by complaints or
explanations with him had driven me to a course that I did not pretend to
justify but that as to the young man he was entirely faultless for that in
the view of making him the instrument of my revenge I had downright seduced
him to what he had done and therefore hoped whatever he determined about me
he would distinguish between the guilty and the innocent and that for the
rest I was entirely at his mercy
Mr H on hearing what I said hung his head a little but instantly
recovering himself he said to me as near as I can retain to the following
purpose
»Madam I owe shame to myself and confess you have fairly turnd the tables
upon me It is not with one of your cast of breeding and sentiments that I
should enter into a discussion of the very great difference of the provocations
be it sufficient that I allow you so much reason on your side as to have
changed my resolutions in consideration of what you reproach me with and I
own too that your clearing that rascal there is fair and honest in you Renew
with you I cannot the affront is too gross I give you a weeks warning to go
out of these lodgings whatever I have given you remains to you and as I never
intend to see you more the landlord will pay you fifty pieces on my account
with which and every debt paid I hope you will own I do not leave you in a
worse condition than what I took you up in or than you deserve of me Blame
yourself only that it is no better«
Then without giving me time to reply he addressd himself to the young
fellow
»For you spark I shall for your fathers sake take care of you the town
is no place for such an easy fool as thou art and tomorrow you shall set out
under the charge of one of my men well recommended in my name to your father
not to let you return and be spoild here«
At these words he went out after my vainly attempting to stop him by
throwing myself at his feet He shook me off though he seemed greatly movd
too and took Will away with him who I dare swear thought himself very
cheaply off
I was now once more adrift and left upon my own hands by a gentleman whom
I certainly did not deserve And all the letters arts friends entreaties that
I employed within the week of grace in my lodging could never win on him so
much as to see me again He had irrevocably pronouncd my doom and submission
to it was my only part Soon after he married a lady of birth and fortune to
whom I have heard he provd an irreproachable husband
As for poor Will he was immediately sent down to the country to his father
who was an easy farmer where he was not four months before an innkeepers
buxom young widow with a very good stock both in money and trade fancyd and
perhaps preacquainted with his secret excellencies marryd him and I am sure
there was at least one good foundation for their living happily together
Though I should have been charmd to see him before he went such measures
were taken by Mr Hs orders that it was impossible otherwise I should
certainly have endeavourd to detain him in town and would have spared neither
offers nor expence to have procured myself the satisfaction of keeping him with
me He had such powerful holds upon my inclinations as were not easily to be
shaken off or replaced as to my heart it was quite out of the question glad
however I was from my soul that nothing worse and as things turnd out
probably nothing better could have happened to him
As to Mr H though views of conveniency made me at first exert myself
to regain his affection I was giddy and thoughtless enough to be much easier
reconcild to my failure than I ought to have been but as I never had lovd
him and his leaving me gave me a sort of liberty that I had often longd for I
was soon comforted and flattering myself that the stock of youth and beauty I
was going into trade with could hardly fail of procuring me a maintenance I saw
myself under a necessity of trying my fortune with them rather with pleasure
and gaiety than with the least idea of despondency
In the mean time several of my acquaintances among the sisterhood who had
soon got wind of my misfortune flocked to insult me with their malicious
consolations Most of them had long envied me the affluence and splendour I had
been maintaind in and though there was scarce one of them that did not at
least deserve to be in my case and would probably sooner or later come to it
it was equally easy to remark even in their affected pity their secret
pleasure at seeing me thus disgracd and discarded and their secret grief that
it was no worse with me Unaccountable malice of the human heart and which is
not confind to the class of life they were of
But as the time approached for me to come to some resolution how to dispose
of myself and I was considering round where to shift my quarters to Mrs Cole
a middleaged discreet sort of woman who had been brought into my acquaintance
by one of the Misses that visited me upon learning my situation came to offer
her cordial advice and service to me and as I had always taken to her more than
to any of my female acquaintances I listened the easier to her proposals And
as it happened I could not have put myself into worse or into better hands in
all London into worse because keeping a house of conveniency there were no
lengths in lewdness she would not advise me to go in compliance with her
customers no schemes of pleasure or even unbounded debauchery she did not
take even a delight in promoting into a better because nobody having had more
experience of the wicked part of the town than she had was fitter to advise and
guard one against the worst dangers of our profession and what was rare to be
met with in those of hers she contented herself with a moderate living profit
upon her industry and good offices and had nothing of their greedy rapacious
turn She was really too a gentlewoman born and bred but through a train of
accidents reducd to this course which she pursued partly through necessity
partly through choice as never woman delighted more in encouraging a brisk
circulation of trade for the sake of the trade itself or better understood all
the mysteries and refinements of it than she did so that she was consummately
at the top of her profession and dealt only with customers of distinction to
answer the demands of whom she kept a competent number of her daughters in
constant recruit so she calld those whom their youth and personal charms
recommended to her adoption and management several of whom by her means and
through her tuition and instructions succeeded very well in the world
This useful gentlewoman upon whose protection I now threw myself having her
reasons of state respecting Mr H for not appearing too much in the thing
herself sent a friend of hers on the day appointed for my removal to conduct
me to my new lodgings at a brushmakers in R street Covent Garden the very
next door to her own house where she had no conveniences to lodge me herself
lodgings that by having been for several successions tenanted by ladies of
pleasure the landlord of them was familiarized to their ways and provided the
rent was duly paid every thing else was as easy and commodious as one could
desire
The fifty guineas promisd me by Mr H at his parting with me having
been duly paid me all my cloaths and moveables chested up which were at least
of two hundred pounds value I had them conveyd into a coach where I soon
followed them after taking a civil leave of the landlord and his family with
whom I had never livd in a degree of familiarity enough to regret the removal
but still the very circumstance of its being a removal drew tears from me I
left too a letter of thanks for Mr H from whom I concluded myself as I
really was irretrievably separated
My maid I had discharged the day before not only because I had her of Mr
H but that I suspected her of having some how or other been the occasion of
his discovering me in revenge perhaps for my not having trusted her with him
We soon got to my lodgings which though not so handsomely furnishd nor so
showy as those I left were to the full as convenient and at half price though
on the first floor My trunks were safely landed and stowd in my apartments
where my neighbour and now gouvernante Mrs Cole was ready with my landlord
to receive me to whom she took care to set me out in the most favourable light
that of one from whom there was the clearest reason to expect the regular
payment of his rent all the cardinal virtues attributed to me would not have
had half the weight of that recommendation alone
I was now settled in lodgings of my own abandond to my own conduct and
turned loose upon the town to sink or swim as I could manage with the current
of it and what were the consequences together with the number of adventures
which befell me in the exercise of my new profession will compose the matter of
another letter for surely it is high time to put a period to this
I am
Ma dam
Yours etc etc etc
The End of the First Letter
Letter the Second
Madam
If I have delayd the sequel of my history it has been purely to allow
myself a little breathing time not without some hopes that instead of pressing
me to a continuation you would have acquitted me of the task of pursuing a
confession in the course of which my selfesteem has so many wounds to sustain
I imagined indeed that you would have been cloyd and tired with
uniformity of adventures and expressions inseparable from a subject of this
sort whose bottom or groundwork being in the nature of things eternally one
and the same, whatever variety of forms and modes the situations are susceptible
of there is no escaping a repetition of near the same images the same figures
the same expressions with this further inconvenience added to the disgust it
creates that the words JOYS ARDOURS TRANSPORTS EXTASIES and the rest of
those pathetic terms so congenial to so received in the PRACTICE OF PLEASURE
flatten and lose much of their due spirit and energy by the frequency they
indispensably recur with in a narrative of which that PRACTICE professedly
composes the whole basis I must therefore trust to the candour of your
judgment for your allowing for the disadvantage I am necessarily under in that
respect and to your imagination and sensibility the pleasing task of repairing
it by their supplements where my descriptions flag or fail the one will
readily place the pictures I present before your eyes the other give life to
the colours where they are dull or worn with too frequent handling
What you say besides by way of encouragement concerning the extreme
difficulty of continuing so long in one strain in a mean temperd with taste
between the revoltingness of gross rank and vulgar expressions and the
ridicule of mincing metaphors and affected circumlocutions is so sensible as
well as goodnaturd that you greatly justify me to myself for my compliance
with a curiosity that is to be satisfied so extremely at my expense
Resuming now where I broke off in my last I am in my way to remark to you
that it was late in the evening before I arrivd at my new lodgings and Mrs
Cole after helping me to range and secure my things spent the whole evening
with me in my apartment where we supped together in giving me the best advice
and instruction with regard to this new stage of my profession I was now to
enter upon and passing thus from a private devotee to pleasure into a public
one to become a more general good with all the advantages requisite to put my
person out to use either for interest or pleasure or both But then she
observd as I was a kind of new face upon the town that it was an established
rule and part of trade for me to pass for a maid and dispose of myself as
such on the first good occasion without prejudice however to such diversions
as I might have a mind to in the interim for that nobody could be a greater
enemy than she was to the losing of time That she would in the mean time do
her best to find out a proper person and would undertake to manage this nice
point for me if I would accept of her aid and advice to such good purpose that
in the loss of a fictitious maidenhead I should reap all the advantages of a
native one
Though such a delicacy of sentiments did not extremely belong to my
character at that time I confess against myself that I perhaps too readily
closed with a proposal which my candor and ingenuity gave me some repugnance to
but not enough to contradict the intention of one to whom I had now thoroughly
abandoned the direction of all my steps For Mrs Cole had I do not know how
unless by one of those unaccountable invincible sympathies that nevertheless
form the strongest links especially of female friendship won and got entire
possession of me On her side she pretended that a strict resemblance she
fancied she saw in me to an only daughter whom she had lost at my age was the
first motive of her taking to me so affectionately as she did It might be so
there exist as slender motives of attachment that gathering force from habit
and liking have proved often more solid and durable than those founded on much
stronger reasons but this I know that tho I had no other acquaintance with
her than seeing her at my lodgings when I lived with Mr H where she had
made errands to sell me some millinery ware she had by degrees insinuated
herself so far into my confidence that I threw myself blindly into her hands
and came at length to regard love and obey her implicitly and to do her
justice I never experiencd at her hands other than a sincerity of tenderness
and care for my interest hardly heard of in those of her profession We parted
that night after having settled a perfect unreservd agreement and the next
morning Mrs Cole came and took me with her to her house for the first time
Here at the first sight of things I found everything breathd an air of
decency modesty and order
In the outer parlour or rather shop sat three young women very demurely
employd on millinery work which was the cover of a traffic in more precious
commodities but three beautifuller creatures could hardly be seen Two of them
were extremely fair the eldest not above nineteen and the third much about
that age was a piquant brunette whose black sparkling eyes and perfect
harmony of features and shape left her nothing to envy in her fairer
companions Their dress too had the more design in it the less it appeared to
have being in a taste of uniform correct neatness and elegant simplicity
These were the girls that composed the small domestick flock which my governess
traind up with surprising order and management considering the giddy wildness
of young girls once got upon the loose But then she never continued any in her
house whom after a due novitiate she found untractable or unwilling to
comply with the rules of it Thus had she insensibly formed a little family of
love in which the members found so sensibly their account in a rare alliance
of pleasure with interest and of a necessary outward decency with unbounded
secret liberty that Mrs Cole who had pickd them as much for their temper as
their beauty governd them with ease to herself and them too
To these pupils then of hers whom she had prepard she presented me as a
new boarder and one that was to be immediately admitted to all the intimacies
of the house upon which these charming girls gave me all the marks of a welcome
reception and indeed of being perfectly pleased with my figure that I could
possibly expect from any of my own sex but they had been effectually brought to
sacrifice all jealousy or competition of charms to a common interest and
considerd me a partner that was bringing no despicable stock of goods into the
trade of the house They gathered round me viewd me on all sides and as my
admission into this joyous troop made a little holiday the shew of work was
laid aside and Mrs Cole giving me up with special recommendation to their
caresses and entertainment went about her ordinary business of the house
The sameness of our sex age profession and views soon created as
unreservd a freedom and intimacy as if we had been for years acquainted They
took and shewd me the house their respective apartments which were furnished
with every article of conveniency and luxury and above all a spacious
drawingroom where a select revelling band usually met in general parties of
pleasure the girls supping with their sparks and acting their wanton pranks
with unbounded licentiousness whilst a defiance of awe modesty or jealousy
were their standing rules by which according to the principles of their
society whatever pleasure was lost on the side of sentiment was abundantly made
up to the senses in the poignancy of variety and the charms of ease and luxury
The authors and supporters of this secret institution would in the height of
their humours style themselves the restorers of the golden age and its
simplicity of pleasures before their innocence became so injustly branded with
the names of guilt and shame
As soon then as the evening began and the shew of a shop was shut the
academy opend the mask of mockmodesty was completely taken off and all the
girls deliverd over to their respective calls of pleasure or interest with
their men and none of that sex was promiscuously admitted but only such as
Mrs Cole was previously satisfied with their character and discretion In
short this was the safest politest and at the same time the most thorough
house of accommodation in town every thing being conducted so that decency made
no intrenchment upon the most libertine pleasures in the practice of which too
the choice familiars of the house had found the secret so rare and difficult of
reconciling even all the refinements of taste and delicacy with the most gross
and determinate gratifications of sensuality
After having consumd the morning in the endearments and instructions of my
new acquaintance we went to dinner when Mrs Cole presiding at the head of
her club gave me the first idea of her management and address in inspiring
these girls with so sensible a love and respect for her There was no stiffness
no reserve no airs of pique or little jealousies but all was unaffectedly
gay cheerful and easy
After dinner Mrs Cole seconded by the young ladies acquainted me that
there was a chapter to be held that night in form for the ceremony of my
reception into the sisterhood and in which with all due reserve to my
maidenhead that was to be occasionally cookd up for the first proper chapman
I was to undergo a ceremonial of initiation they were sure I should not be
displeased with
Embarkd as I was and moreover captivated with the charms of my new
companions I was too much prejudicd in favour of any proposal they could make
to much as hesitate an assent which therefore readily giving in the style of
a carte blanche I receivd fresh kisses of compliment from them all in
approval of my docility and good nature Now I was a sweet girl I came into
things with a good grace I was not affectedly coy I should be the pride
of the house and the like
This point thus adjusted the young women left Mrs Cole to talk and concert
matters with me she explained to me that I should be introducd that very
evening to four of her best friends one of whom she had according to the
custom of the house favoured with the preference of engaging me in the first
party of pleasure assuring me at the same time that they were all young
gentlemen agreeable in their persons and unexceptionable in every respect that
united and holding together by the band of common pleasures they composed the
chief support of her house and made very liberal presents to the girls that
pleasd and humourd them so that they were properly speaking the founders
and patrons of this little seraglio Not but that she had at proper seasons
other customers to deal with whom she stood less upon punctilio with than with
these for instance it was not on one of them she could attempt to pass me for
a maid they were not only too knowing too much townbred to bite at such a
bait but they were such generous benefactors to her that it would be
unpardonable to think of it
Amidst all the flutter and emotion which this promise of pleasure for such
I conceivd it stirrd up in me I preserved so much of the woman as to feign
just reluctance enough to make some merit of sacrificing it to the influence of
my patroness whom I likewise still in character reminded of it perhaps being
right for me to go home and dress in favour of my first impressions
But Mrs Cole in opposition to this assured me that the gentlemen I should
be presented to were by their rank and taste of things infinitely superior to
the being touched with any glare of dress or ornaments such as silly women
rather confound and overlay than set off their beauty with that these veteran
voluptuaries knew better than not to hold them in the highest contempt they
with whom the pure native charms alone could pass current and who would at any
time leave a sallow washy painted duchess on her own hands for a ruddy
healthy firmfleshd country maid and as for my part that nature had done
enough for me to set me above owing the least favour to art concluding withal
that for the instant occasion there was no dress like an undress
I thought my governess too good a judge of these matters not to be easily
overruled by her after which she went on preaching very pathetically the
doctrine of passive obedience and nonresistance to all those arbitrary tastes
of pleasure which are by some styld the refinements and by others the
depravations of it between whom it was not the business of a simple girl who
was to profit by pleasing to decide but to conform to Whilst I was edifying
by these wholesome lessons tea was brought in and the young ladies returning
joined company with us
After a great deal of mixd chat frolic and humour one of them observing
that there would be a good deal of time on hand before the assemblyhour
proposed that each girl should entertain the company with that critical period
of her personal history in which she first exchanged the maiden state for
womanhood The proposal was approvd with only one restriction of Mrs Cole
that she on account of her age and I on account of my titular maidenhead
should be excused at least till I had undergone the forms of the house This
obtaind me a dispensation and the promotress of this amusement was desired to
begin
Her name was Emily a girl fair to excess and whose limbs were if
possible too well made since their plump fulness was rather to the prejudice
of that delicate slimness requird by the nicer judges of beauty her eyes were
blue and streamed inexpressible sweetness and nothing could be prettier than
her mouth and lips which closd over a range of the evenest and whitest teeth
Thus she began
»Neither my extraction nor the most critical adventure of my life is
sublime enough to impeach me of any vanity in the advancement of the proposal
you have approvd of My father and mother were and for aught I know are
still farmers in the country not above forty miles from town their barbarity
to me in favour of a son on whom only they vouchsafed to bestow their
tenderness had a thousand times determined me to fly their house and throw
myself on the wide world but at length an accident forcd me on this
desperate attempt at the age of fifteen I had broken a chinabowl the pride
and idol of both their hearts and as an unmerciful beating was the least I had
to depend on at their hands in the silliness of those tender years I left the
house and at all adventures took the road to London How my loss was resented
I do not know for till this instant I have not heard a syllable about them My
whole stock was two broad pieces of my godmothers a few shillings silver
shoebuckles and a silver thimble Thus equippd with no more cloaths than the
ordinary ones I had on my back and frightend at every foot or noise I heard
behind me I hurried on and I dare swear walked a dozen miles before I
stopped though mere weariness and fatigue At length I sat down on a stile
wept bitterly and yet was still rather under increased impressions of fear on
the account of my escape which made me dread worse than death the going back
to face my unnatural parents Refreshd by this little repose and relieved by
my tears I was proceeding onward when I was overtaken by a sturdy country lad
who was going to London to see what he could do for himself there and like me
had given his friends the slip He could not be above seventeen was ruddy well
featurd enough with uncombd flaxen hair a little flappd hat kersey frock
yarn stockings in short a perfect ploughboy I saw him come whistling behind
me with a bundle tied to the end of a stick his travelling equipage We walkd
by one another for some time without speaking at length we joind company and
agreed to keep together till we got to our journeys end What his designs or
ideas were I know not the innocence of mine I can solemnly protest
As night drew on it became us to look out for some inn or shelter to which
perplexity another was added and that was what we should say for ourselves if
we were questiond After some puzzle the young fellow started a proposal
which I thought the finest that could be and what was that why that we should
pass for husband and wife I never once dreamd of consequences We came
presently after having agreed on this notable expedient to one of those
hedgeaccommodations for foot passengers at the door of which stood an old
crazy beldam who seeing us trudge by invited us to lodge there Glad of any
cover we went in and my fellow traveller taking all upon him calld for what
the house afforded and we supped together as man and wife which considering
our figures and ages could not have passed on any one but such as any thing
could pass on But when bedtime came on we had neither of us the courage to
contradict our first account of ourselves and what was extremely pleasant the
young lad seemd as perplexd as I was how to evade lying together which was
so natural for the state we had pretended to Whilst we were in this quandary
the landlady takes the candle and lights us to our apartment through a long
yard at the end of which it stood separate from the body of the house Thus we
sufferd ourselves to be conducted without saying a word in opposition to it
and there in a wretched room with a bed answerable we were left to pass the
night together as a thing quite of course For my part I was so incredibly
innocent as not even then to think much more harm of going into bed with the
young man than with one of our dairywenches nor had he perhaps any other
notions than those of innocence till such a fair occasion put them into his
head
Before either of us undressed however he put out the candle and the
bitterness of the weather made it a kind of necessity for me to go into bed
slipping then my cloaths off I crept under the bedcloaths where I found the
young stripling already nestled and the touch of his warm flesh rather pleasd
than alarmd me I was indeed too much disturbed with the novelty of my
condition to be able to sleep but then I had not the least thought of harm
But oh how powerful are the instincts of nature how little is there wanting
to set them in action The young man sliding his arm under my body drew me
gently towards him as if to keep himself and me warmer and the heat I felt
from joining our breasts kindled another that I had hitherto never felt and
was even then a stranger to the nature of Emboldened I suppose by my
easiness he venturd to kiss me and I insensibly returned it without knowing
the consequence of returning it for on this encouragement he slipped his hand
all down from my breast to that part of me where the sense of feeling is so
exquisitely critical as I then experiencd by its instant taking fire upon the
touch and glowing with a strange tickling heat there he pleasd himself and
me by feeling till growing a little too bold he hurt me and made me
complain Then he took my hand which he guided not unwillingly on my side
between the twist of his closed thighs which were extremely warm there he
lodged and pressed it till raising it by degrees he made me feel the proud
distinction of his sex from mine I was frightend at the novelty and drew back
my hand yet pressed and spurred on by sensations of a strange pleasure I
could not help asking him what that was for He told me he would show me if I
would let him and without waiting for my answer which he prevented by
stopping my mouth with kisses I was far from disrelishing he got upon me and
inserting one of his thighs between mine opened them so as to make way for
himself and fixed me to his purpose whilst I was so much out of my usual
sense so subdud by the present power of a new one that between fear and
desire I lay utterly passive till the piercing pain rousd and made me cry
out But it was too late he was too firm fixd in the saddle for me to compass
flinging him with all the struggles I could use some of which only served to
further his point and at length an irresistible thrust murdered at once my
maidenhead and almost me I now lay a bleeding witness of the necessity imposd
on our sex to gather the first honey off the thorns
But the pleasure rising as the pain subsided I was soon reconciled to fresh
trials and before morning nothing on earth could be dearer to me than this
rifler of my virgin sweets he was every thing to me now How we agreed to join
fortunes how we came up to town together where we lived some time till
necessity parted us and drove me into this course of life in which I had been
long ago battered and torn to pieces before I came to this age as much through
my easiness as through my inclination had it not been for my finding refuge in
this house these are all circumstances which pass the mark I proposed so that
here my narrative ends«
In the order of our sitting it was Harriets turn to go on Amongst all the
beauties of our sex that I had before or have since seen few indeed were the
forms that could dispute excellence with hers it was not delicate but
delicacy itself incarnate such was the symmetry of her small but exactly
fashiond limbs Her complexion fair as it was appeared yet more fair from the
effect of two black eyes the brilliancy of which gave her face more vivacity
than belonged to the colour of it which was only defended from paleness by a
sweetly pleasing blush in her cheeks that grew fainter and fainter till at
length it died away insensibly into the overbearing white Then her miniature
features joind to finish the extreme sweetness of it which was not belied by
that of temper turned to indolence languor and the pleasures of love Pressd
to subscribe her contingent she smiled blushed a little and thus complied
with our desires
»My father was neither better nor worse than a miller near the city of York
and both he and my mother dying whilst I was an infant I fell under the care of
a widow and childless aunt housekeeper to my lord N at his seat in the
county of where she brought me up with all imaginable tenderness I was not
seventeen as I am not now eighteen before I had on account of my person
purely for fortune I had notoriously none several advantageous proposals but
whether nature was slow in making me sensible in her favourite passion or that
I had not seen any of the other sex who had stirrd up the least emotion or
curiosity to be better acquainted with it I had till that age preservd a
perfect innocence even of thought whilst my fears of I did not well know what
made me no more desirous of marrying than of dying My aunt good woman
favoured my timorousness which she lookd on as childish affection that her
own experience might probably assure her would wear off in time and gave my
suitors proper answers for me
The family had not been down at that seat for years so that it was
neglected and committed entirely to my aunt and two old domestics to take care
of it Thus I had the full range of a spacious lonely house and gardens situate
at about half a mile distance from any other habitation except perhaps a
straggling cottage or so
Here in tranquillity and innocence I grew up without any memorable
accident till one fatal day I had as I had often done before left my aunt
fast asleep and secure for some hours after dinner and resorting to a kind of
ancient summerhouse at some distance from the house I carried my work with
me and sat over a rivulet which its door and window facd upon Here I fell
into a gentle breathing slumber which stole upon my senses as they fainted
under the excessive heat of the season at that hour a cane couch with my
workbasket for a pillow were all the conveniencies of my short repose for I
was soon awaked and alarmed by a flounce and noise of splashing in the water I
got up to see what was the matter and what indeed should it be but the son of a
neighbouring gentleman as I afterwards found for I had never seen him before
who had strayed that way with his gun and heated by his sport and the
sultriness of the day had been tempted by the freshness of the clear stream so
that presently stripping he jumpd into it on the other side which bordered on
a wood some trees whereof inclined down to the water formd a pleasing shady
recess commodious to undress and leave his clothes under
My first emotions at the sight of this youth naked in the water were with
all imaginable respect to truth those of surprise and fear and in course I
should immediately have run out had not my modesty fatally for itself
interposed the objection of the door and window being so situated that it was
scarce possible to get out and make my way along the bank to the house without
his seeing me which I could not bear the thought of so much ashamed and
confounded was I at having seen him Condemnd then to stay till his departure
should release me I was greatly embarrassed how to dispose of myself I kept
some time betwixt terror and modesty even from looking through the window
which being an oldfashiond casement without any light behind me could hardly
betray any ones being there to him from within then the door was so secure
that without violence or my own consent there was no opening it from without
But now by my own experience I found it too true that objects which
affright us when we cannot get from them draw our eyes as forcibly as those
that please us I could not long withstand that nameless impulse which without
any desire of this novel sight compelled me towards it emboldend too by my
certainty of being at once unseen and safe I venturd by degrees to cast my
eyes on an object so terrible and alarming to my virgin modesty as a naked man
But as I snatched a look the first gleam that struck me was in general the dewy
lustre of the whitest skin imaginable which the sun playing upon made the
reflection of it perfectly beamy His face in the confusion I was in I could
not well distinguish the lineaments of any farther than that there was a great
deal of youth and freshness in it The frolic and various play of all his
polishd limbs as they appeared above the surface in the course of his
swimming or wantoning with the water amusd and insensibly delighted me
sometimes he lay motionless on his back waterborne and dragging after him a
fine head of hair that floating swept the stream in a bush of black curls
Then the overflowing water would make a separation between his breast and
glossy white belly at the bottom of which I could not escape observing so
remarkable a distinction as a black mossy tuft out of which appeared to emerge
a round softish limber white something that played every way with ever the
least motion or whirling eddy I cannot say but that part chiefly by a kind of
natural instinct attracted detaind captivated my attention it was out of
the power of all my modesty to command my eye away from it and seeing nothing
so very dreadful in its appearance I insensibly lockd away all my fears but
as fast as they gave way new desires and strange wishes took place and I
melted as I gazed The fire of nature that had so long lain dormant or
conceald began to break out and made me feel my sex the first time He had
now changed his posture and swam prone on his belly striking out with his legs
and arms finer modelld than which could not have been cast whilst his
floating locks played over a neck and shoulders whose whiteness they
delightfully set off Then the luxuriant swell of flesh that rose from the small
of his back and terminated its double cope at where the thighs are sent off
perfectly dazzled one with its watery glistening gloss
By this time I was so affected by this inward involution of sentiments so
softend by this sight that now betrayed into a sudden transition from extreme
fears to extreme desires I found these last so strong upon me the heat of the
weather too perhaps conspiring to exalt their rage that nature almost fainted
under them Not that I so much as knew precisely what was wanting to me my only
thought was that so sweet a creature as this youth seemed to me could only make
me happy but then the little likelihood there was of compassing an
acquaintance with him or perhaps of ever seeing him again dashd my desires
and turnd them into torments I was still gazing with all the powers of my
sight on this bewitching object when in an instant down he went I had heard
of such things as a cramp seizing on even the best swimmers and occasioning
their being drowned and imagining this so sudden eclipse to be owing to it the
inconceivable fondness this unknown lad had given birth to distracted me with
the most killing terrors insomuch that my concern giving the wings I flew to
the door opend it ran down to the canal guided thither by the madness of my
fears for him and the intense desire of being an instrument to save him though
I was ignorant how or by what means to effect it but was it for fears and a
passion so sudden as mine to reason All this took up scarce the space of a few
moments I had then just life enough to reach the green borders of the
waterpiece where wildly looking round for the young man and missing him still
my fright and concern sunk me down in a deep swoon which must have lasted me
some time for I did not come to myself till I was rousd out of it by a sense
of pain that pierced me to the vitals and awaked me to the most surprising
circumstance of finding myself not only in the arms of this very same young
gentleman I had been so solicitous to save but taken at such an advantage in my
unresisting condition that he had actually completed his entrance into me so
far that weakened as I was by all the preceding conflicts of mind I had
sufferd and struck dumb by the violence of my surprise I had neither the
power to cry out nor the strength to disengage myself from his strenuous
embraces before urging his point he had forced his way and completely
triumphed over my virginity as he might now as well see by the streams of blood
that followd his drawing out as he had felt by the difficulties he had met
with consummating his penetration But the sight of the blood and the sense of
my condition had as he told me afterwards since the ungovernable rage of his
passion was somewhat appeasd now wrought so far on him that at all risks even
of the worst consequences he could not find in his heart to leave me and make
off which he might easily have done I still lay all discomposd in bleeding
ruin palpitating speechless unable to get off and frightened and fluttering
like a poor wounded partridge and ready to faint away again at the sense of
what had befallen me The young gentleman was by me kneeling kissing my hand
and with tears in his eyes beseeching me to forgive him and offering all the
reparation in his power It is certain that could I at the instant of regaining
my senses have called out or taken the bloodiest revenge I would not have
stuck at it the violation was attended too with such aggravating circumstances
though he was ignorant of them since it was to my concern for the preservation
of his life that I owed my ruin
But how quick is the shift of passions from one extreme to another and how
little are they acquainted with the human heart who dispute it I could not see
this amiable criminal so suddenly the first object of my love and as suddenly
of my just hate on his knees bedewing my hand with his tears without
relenting He was still starknaked but my modesty had been already too much
wounded in essentials to be so much shocked as I should have otherwise been
with appearances only in short my anger ebbed so fast and the tide of love
returnd so strong upon me that I felt it a point of my own happiness to
forgive him The reproaches I made him were murmurd in so soft a tone my eyes
met his with such glances expressing more languor than resentment that he
could not but presume his forgiveness was at no desperate distance but still he
would not quit his posture of submission till I had pronounced his pardon in
form which after the most fervent entreaties protestations and promises I
had not the power to withhold On which with the utmost marks of a fear of
again offending he ventured to kiss my lips which I neither declined nor
resented but on my mild expostulations with him upon the barbarity of his
treatment he explaind the mystery of my ruin if not entirely to the
clearance at least much to the alleviation of his guilt in the eyes of a judge
so partial in his favour as I was grown
It seems that the circumstance of his going down or sinking which in my
extreme ignorance I had mistaken for something very fatal was no other than a
trick of diving which I had not ever heard or at least attended to the mention
of and he was so longbreathd at it that in the few moments in which I ran
out to save him he had not yet emerged before I fell into the swoon in which
as he rose seeing me extended on the bank his first idea was that some young
woman was upon some design of frolic or diversion with him for he knew I could
not have fallen asleep there without his having seen me before agreeably to
which notion he had ventured to approach and finding me without sign of life
and still perplexd as he was what to think of the adventure he took me in his
arms at all hazards and carried me into the summerhouse of which he observed
the door open there he laid me down on the couch and tried as he protested in
good faith by several means to bring me to myself again till fired as he
said beyond all bearing by the sight and touch of several parts of me which
were unguardedly exposed to him he could no longer govern his passion and the
less as he was not quite sure that his first idea of this swoon being a feint
was not the very truth of the case seduced then by this flattering notion and
overcome by the present as he styled them superhuman temptations combined
with the solitude and seeming security of the attempt he was not enough his own
master not to make it Leaving me then just only whilst he fastened the door he
returned with redoubled eagerness to his prey when finding me still entranced
he ventured to place me as he pleased whilst I felt no more than the dead
what he was about till the pain he put me to roused me just in time enough to
be witness of a triumph I was not able to defeat and now scarce regretted for
as he talked the tone of his voice sounded methought so sweetly in my ears
the sensible nearness of so new and interesting an object to me wrought so
powerfully upon me that in the rising perception of things in a new and
pleasing light I lost all sense of the past injury The young gentleman soon
discernd the symptoms of a reconciliation in my softened looks and hastening
to receive the seal of it from my lips pressd them tenderly to pass his pardon
in the return of a kiss so melting fiery that the impression of it being
carried to my heart and thence to my newdiscoverd sphere of Venus I was
melted into a softness that could refuse him nothing When now he managed his
caresses and endearments so artfully as to insinuate the most soothing
consolations for the past pain and the most pleasing expectations of future
pleasure but whilst mere modesty kept my eyes from seeing his and rather
declined them I had a glimpse of that instrument of the mischief which was now
obviously even to me who had scarce had snatches of a comparative observation
of it resuming its capacity to renew it and grew greatly alarming with its
increase of size as he bore it no doubt designedly hard and stiff against one
of my hands carelessly dropt but then he employd such tender prefacing such
winning progressions that my returning passion of desire being now so strongly
prompted by the engaging circumstances of the sight and incendiary touch of his
naked glowing beauties I yielded at length at the force of the present
impressions and he obtained of my tacit blushing consent all the gratifications
of pleasure left in the power of my poor person to bestow after he had cropt
its richest flower during my suspension of life and abilities to guard it
Here according to the rule laid down I should stop but I am so much in
motion that I could not if I would I shall only add however that I got home
without the least discovery or suspicion of what had happened I met my young
ravisher several times after whom I now passionately lovd and who tho not of
age to claim a small but independent fortune would have married me but as the
accidents that prevented it and their consequences which threw me on the
publick contain matters too moving and serious to introduce at present I cut
short here«
Louisa the brunette whom I mentioned at first now took her turn to treat
the company with her history I have already hinted to you the graces of her
person than which nothing could be more exquisitely touching I repeat
touching as a just distinction from striking which is ever a less lasting
effect and more generally belongs to the fair complexions but leaving that
decision to every ones taste I proceed to give you Louisas narrative as
follows
»According to practical maxims of life I ought to boast of my birth since
I owe it to pure love without marriage but this I know it was scarce possible
to inherit a stronger propensity to that cause of my being than I did I was the
rare production of the first essay of a journeyman cabinetmaker on his masters
maid the consequence of which was a big belly and the loss of a place He was
not in circumstances to do much for her and yet after all this blemish she
found means after she had dropt her burthen and disposed of me to a poor
relations in the country to repair it by marrying a pastrycook here in
London in thriving business on whom she soon under favour of the complete
ascendant he had given her over him passed me for a child she had by her first
husband I had on that footing been taken home and was not six years old when
this stepfather died and left my mother in tolerable circumstances and without
any children by him As to my natural father he had betaken himself to the sea
where when the truth of things came out I was told that he died not immensely
rich you may think since he was no more than a common sailor As I grew up
under the eyes of my mother who kept on the business I could not but see in
her severe watchfulness the marks of a slip which she did not care should be
hereditary but we no more choose our passions than our features or complexion
and the bent of mine was so strong to the forbidden pleasure that it got the
better at length of all her care and precaution I was scarce twelve years old
before that part which she wanted so much to keep out of harms way made me feel
its impatience to be taken notice of and come into play already had it put
forth the signs of forwardness in the sprout of a soft down over it which had
often flatterd and I might also say grown under my constant touch and
visitation so pleasd was I with what I took to be a kind of title to
womanhood that state I pind to be entrd of for the pleasures I conceivd
were annexed to it and now the growing importance of that part to me and the
new sensations in it demolishd at once all my girlish playthings and
amusements Nature now pointed me strongly to more solid diversions while all
the stings of desire settled so fiercely in that little centre of them that I
could not mistake the spot I wanted a playfellow in
I now shunnd all company in which there was no hopes of coming at the
object of my longings and used to shut myself up to indulge in solitude some
tender meditation on the pleasures I strongly perceivd the overture of in
feeling and examining what nature assurd me must be the chosen avenue the
gates for unknown bliss to enter at that I panted after
But these meditations only increasd my disorder and blew the fire that
consumed me I was yet worse when yielding at length to the insupportable
irritations of the little fairy charm that tormented me I seizd it with my
fingers teasing it to no end Sometimes in the furious excitations of desire
I threw myself on the bed spread my thighs abroad and lay as it were expecting
the longedfor relief till finding my illusion I shut and squeezd them
together again burning and fretting In short this devlish thing with its
impetuous girds and itching fires led me such a life that I could neither night
nor day be at peace with it or myself In time however I thought I had gained
a prodigious prize when figuring to myself that my fingers were some thing of
the shape of what I pined for I worked my way in for one of them with great
agitation and delight yet not without pain too did I deflower myself as far as
it could reach proceeding with such a fury of passion in this solitary and
last shift of pleasure as extended me at length breathless on the bed in an
amorous melting trance
But frequency of use dulling the sensation I soon began to perceive that
this work was but a paltry shallow expedient that went but a little way to
relieve me and rather raisd more flame than its dry and insignificant
titillation could rightly appease
Man alone I almost instinctively knew as well as by what I had
industriously picked up at weddings and christenings was possessd of the only
remedy that could reduce this rebellious disorder but watchd and overlookd as
I was how to come at it was the point and that to all appearance an
invincible one not that I did not rack my brains and invention how at once to
elude my mothers vigilance and procure myself the satisfaction of my impetuous
curiosity and longings for this mighty and untasted pleasure At length
however a singular chance did at once the work of a long course of alertness
One day that we had dined at an acquaintances over the way together with a
gentlewomanlodger that occupied the first floor of our house there started an
indispensable necessity for my mothers going down to Greenwich to accompany
her the party was settled when I do not know what genius whispered me to plead
a headache which I certainly had not against my being included in a jaunt that
I had not the least relish for The pretext however passed and my mother with
much reluctance prevailed with herself to go without me but took particular
care to see me safe home where she consignd me into the hands of an old trusty
maidservant who served in the shop for we had not a male creature in the
house
As soon as she was gone I told the maid I would go up and lie down on our
lodgers bed mine not being made with a charge to her at the same time not to
disturb me as it was only rest I wanted This injunction probably provd of
eminent service to me As soon as I was got into the bedchamber I unlaced my
stays and threw myself on the outside of the bedcloaths in all the loosest
undress Here I gave myself up to the old insipid privy shifts of my
selfviewing selftouching selfenjoying in fine to all the means of
selfknowledge I could devise in search of the pleasure that fled before me
and tantalized with that unknown something that was out of my reach thus all
only servd to enflame myself and to provoke violently my desires whilst the
one thing needful to their satisfaction was not at hand and I could have bit my
fingers for representing it so ill After then wearying and fatiguing myself
with grasping shadows whilst that most sensible part of me disdaind to content
itself with less than realities the strong yearnings the urgent struggles of
nature towards the melting relief and the extreme selfagitations I had used to
come at it had wearied and thrown me into a kind of unquiet sleep for if I
tossed and threw about my limbs in proportion to the distraction of my dreams
as I had reason to believe I did a bystander could not have helpd seeing all
for love And one there was it seems for waking out of my very short slumber I
found my hand lockd in that of a young man who was kneeling at my bedside
and begging my pardon for his boldness but that being a son to the lady to whom
this bedchamber he knew belonged he had slippd by the servant of the shop
as he supposed unperceivd when finding me asleep his first ideas were to
withdraw but that he had been fixd and detaind there by a power he could
better account for than resist
What shall I say my emotions of fear and surprize were instantly subdued by
those of the pleasure I bespoke in great presence of mind form the turn this
adventure might take He seemd to me no other than a pitying angel dropt out
of the clouds for he was young and perfectly handsome which was more than even
I had asked for man in general being all that my utmost desires had pointed
at I thought then I could not put too much encouragement into my eyes and
voice I regretted no leading advances no matter for his afteropinion of my
forwardness so it might bring him to the point of answering my pressing demands
of present case it was not now with his thoughts but his actions that my
business immediately lay I raisd then my head and told him in a soft tone
that tended to prescribe the same key to him that his mamma was gone out and
would not return till late at night which I thought no bad hint but as it
provd I had nothing of a novice to deal with The impressions I had made on
him from the discoveries I had betrayed of my person in the disordered motions
of it during his view of me asleep had as he afterwards told me so fixd and
charmingly prepard him that had I known his dispositions I had more to hope
from his violence than to fear from his respect and even less than the extreme
tenderness which I threw into my voice and eyes would have served to encourage
him to make the most of the opportunity Finding then that his kisses imprinted
on my hand were taken as tamely as he could wish he rose to my lips and
glewing his to them made me so faint with overcoming joy and pleasure that I
fell back and he with me in course on the bed upon which I had by
insensibly shifting from the side to near the middle invitingly made room for
him He is now lain down by me and the minutes being too precious to consume in
untimely ceremony or dalliance my youth proceeds immediately to those
extremities which all my looks flushing and palpitations had assured him he
might attempt without the fear of repulse those rogues the men read us
admirably on these occasions I lay then at length panting for the imminent
attack with wishes far beyond my fears and for which it was scarce possible
for a girl barely thirteen but all and well grown to have better
dispositions He threw up my petticoat and shift whilst my thighs were by an
instinct of nature unfolded to their best and my desires had so thoroughly
destroyd all modesty in me that even their being now naked and all laid open
to him was part of the prelude that pleasure deepend my blushes at more than
shame But when his hand and touches naturally attracted to their centre made
me feel all their wantonness and warmth in and round it oh how immensely
different a sense of things did I perceive there than when under my own insipid
handling And now his waistcoat was unbuttoned and the confinement of the
breeches burst through when out started to view the amazing pleasing object of
all my wishes all my dreams all my love the king member indeed I gazd at I
devoured it at length and breadth with my eyes intently directed to it till
his getting upon me and placing it between my thighs took from me the
enjoyment of its sight to give me a far more grateful one in its touch in that
part where its touch is so exquisitely affecting Applying it then to the minute
opening for such at that age it certainly was I met with too much good will I
felt with too great a rapture of pleasure the first insertion of it to heed
much the pain that followed I thought nothing too dear to pay for this the
richest treat of the senses so that split up torn bleeding mangled I was
still superiorly pleasd and huggd the author of all this delicious ruin But
when soon after he made his second attack sore as every thing was the smart
was soon put away by the sovereign cordial all my soft complainings were
silencd and the pain melting fast away into pleasure I abandond myself over
to all its transports and gave it the full possession of my whole body and
soul for now all thought was at an end with me I lived but in what I felt
only And who could describe those feelings those agitations yet exalted by
the charm of their novelty and surprize when that part of me which had so long
hungerd for the dear morsel that now so delightfully crammed it forcd all my
vital sensations to fix their home there during the stay of my beloved guest
who too soon paid me for his hearty welcome in a dissolvent richer far than
that I have heard of some queen treating her paramour with in liquifyd pearl
and ravishingly pourd into me where now myself too much melted to give it a
dry reception I haild it with the warmest confluence on my side amidst all
those extatic raptures not unfamiliar I presume to this good company Thus
however I arrived at the very top of all my wishes by an accident unexpected
indeed but not so wonderful for this young gentleman was just arrivd in town
from college and came familiarly to his mother at her apartment where he had
once before been though by mere chance I had not seen him so that we knew one
another by hearsay only and finding me stretched on his mothers bed he
readily concluded from her description who it was The rest you know
This affair had however no ruinous consequences the young gentleman
escaping then and many more times undiscoverd But the warmth of my
constitution that made the pleasures of love a kind of necessary of life to me
having betrayd me into indiscretions fatal to my private fortune I fell at
length to the publick from which it is probable I might have met with the
worst of ruin if my better fate had not thrown me into this safe and agreeable
refuge«
Here Louisa ended and these little histories having brought the time for
the girls to retire and to prepare for the revels of the evening I staid with
Mrs Cole till Emily came and told us the company was met and waited for us
Mrs Cole on this taking me by the hand with a smile of encouragement led
me upstairs preceded by Louisa who was come to hasten us and lighted us with
two candles one in each hand
On the landingplace of the first pair of stairs we were met by a young
gentleman extremely well dressd and a very pretty figure to whom I was to be
indebted for the first essay of the pleasures of the house He saluted me with
great gallantry and handed me into the drawing room the floor of which was
overspread with a Turkey carpet and all its furniture voluptuously adapted to
every demand of the most studyd luxury now too it was by means of a profuse
illumination enlivend by a light scarce inferior and perhaps more favourable
to joy more tenderly pleasing than that of broad sunshine
On my entrance into the room I had the satisfaction to hear a buzz of
approbation run through the whole company which now consisted of four gentlemen
including my particular this was the cantterm of the house for ones gallant
for the time the three young women in a neat flowing dishabille the mistress
of the academy and myself I was welcomed and saluted by a kiss all round in
which however it was easy to discover in the superior warmth of that of the
men the distinction of the sexes
Awd and confounded as I was at seeing myself surrounded caressd and made
court to by so many strangers I could not immediately familiarize myself to all
that air of gaiety and joy which dictated their compliments and animated their
caresses
They assurd me that I was so perfectly to their taste as to have but one
fault against me which I might easily be curd of and that was my modesty
this they observd might pass for a beauty the more with those who wanted it
for a heightener but their maxim was that it was an impertinent mixture and
dashd the cup so as to spoil the sincere draught of pleasure they considerd
it accordingly as their mortal enemy and gave it no quarter wherever they met
with it This was a prologue not unworthy of the revels that ensud
In the midst of all the frolic and wantonnesses which this joyous band had
presently and all naturally run into an elegant supper was servd in and we
sat down to it my sparkelect placing himself next to me and the other couples
without order or ceremony The delicate cheer and good wine soon banishd all
reserve the conversation grew as lively as could be wished without taking too
loose a turn these professors of pleasure knew too well to stale impressions
of it or evaporate the imagination in words before the time of action Kisses
however were snatchd at times or where a handkerchief round the neck
interposd its feeble barrier it was not extremely respected the hands of the
men went to work with their usual petulance till the provocations on both sides
rose to such a pitch that my particulars proposal for beginning the
countrydances was received with instant assent for as he laughingly added he
fancied the instruments were in tune This was a signal for preparation that
the complaisant Mrs Cole who understood life took for her cue of
disappearing no longer so fit for personal service herself and content with
having settled the order of battle she left us the field to fight it out at
discretion
As soon as she was gone the table was removd from the middle and became a
sideboard a couch was brought into its place of which when I whisperingly
inquired the reason of my particular he told me that as it was chiefly on my
account that this convention was met the parties intended at once to humour
their taste of variety in pleasures and by an open publick enjoyment to see me
broke of any taint of reserve or modesty which they lookd on as the poison of
joy that though they occasionally preached pleasure and lived up to the text
they did not enthusiastically set up for missionaries and only indulgd
themselves in the delights of a practical instruction of all the pretty women
they likd well enough to bestow it upon and who fell properly in the way of
it but that as such a proposal might be too violent too shocking for a young
beginner the old standers were to set an example which he hoped I would not be
averse to follow since it was to him I was devolvd in favour of the first
experiment but that still I was perfectly at my liberty to refuse the party
which being in its nature one of pleasure supposd an exclusion of all force or
constraint
My countenance expressed no doubt my surprise as my silence did my
acquiescence I was now embarked and thoroughly determined on any voyage the
company would take me on
The first that stood up to open the ball were a cornet of horse and that
sweetest of olivebeauties the soft and amorous Louisa He led her to the couch
nothing loth on which he gave her the fall and extended her at her length with
an air of roughness and vigour relishing high of amorous eagerness and
impatience The girl spreading herself to the best advantage with her head
upon the pillow was so concentred in what she was about that our presence
seemed the least of her care and concern Her petticoats thrown up with her
shift discovered to the company the finest turnd legs and thighs that could be
imagined and in broad display that gave us a full view of that delicious cleft
of flesh into which the pleasing hairgrown mount over it parted and presented
a most inviting entrance between two closehedges delicately soft and pouting
Her gallant was now ready having disencumberd himself from his cloaths
overloaded with lace and presently his shirt removed shewd us his forces in
high plight bandied and ready for action But giving us no time to consider the
dimensions he threw himself instantly over his charming antagonist who
receivd him as he pushed at once dead at mark like a heroine without
flinching for surely never was girl constitutionally truer to the taste of joy
or sincerer in the expressions of its sensations than she was we could observe
pleasure lighten in her eyes as he introducd his plenipotentiary instrument
into her till at length having indulgd her to its utmost reach its
irritations grew so violent and gave her the spurs so furiously that collected
within herself and lost to everything but the enjoyment of her favourite
feelings she retorted his thrusts with a just concert of springy heaves
keeping time so exactly with the most pathetic sighs that one might have
numberd the strokes in agitation by their distinct murmurs whilst her active
limbs kept wreathing and intertwisting with his in convulsive folds then the
turtlebilling kisses and the poignant painless lovebites which they both
exchangd in a rage of delight all conspiring towards the melting period It
soon came on when Louisa in the ravings of her pleasurefrenzy impotent of all
restraint cried out »Oh Sir Good Sir pray do not spare me ah ah
« All her accents now faltering into heartfetched sighs she closd her eyes
in the sweet death in the instant of which she was embalmd by an injection of
which we could easily see the signs in the quiet dying languid posture of her
late so furious driver who was stoppd of a sudden breathing short panting
and for that time giving up the spirit of pleasure As soon as he was
dismounted Louisa sprung up shook her petticoats and running up to me gave
me a kiss and drew me to the sideboard to which she was herself handed by her
gallant where they made me pledge them in a glass of wine and toast a droll
health of Louisas proposal in high frolic
By this time the second couple was ready to enter the lists which were a
young baronet and that delicatest of charmers the winning tender Harriet My
gentle esquire came to acquaint me with it and brought me back to the scene of
action
And surely never did one of her profession accompany her dispositions for
the barefaced part she was engaged to play with such a peculiar grace of
sweetness modesty and yielding coyness as she did All her air and motions
breathd only unreservd unlimited complaisance without the least mixture of
impudence or prostitution But what was yet more surprising her sparkelect
in the midst of the dissolution of a publick open enjoyment doted on her to
distraction and had by dint of love and sentiments touched her heart tho
for a while the restraint of their engagement to the house laid him under a kind
of necessity of complying with an institution which himself had had the greatest
share in establishing
Harriet was then led to the vacant couch by her gallant blushing as she
lookd at me and with eyes made to justify any thing tenderly bespeaking of me
the most favourable construction of the step she was thus irresistibly drawn
into
Her lover for such he was sat her down at the foot of the couch and
passing his arm round her neck preluded with a kiss fervently applied to her
lips that visibly gave her life and spirit to go thro with the scene and as
he kissd he gently inclined her head till it fell back on a pillow disposed
to receive it and leaning himself down all the way with her at once
countenancd and endeard her fall to her There as if he had guessd our
wishes or meant to gratify at once his pleasure and his pride in being the
master by the title of present possession of beauties delicate beyond
imagination he discovered her breasts to his own touch and our common view
but oh what delicious manuals of love devotion how inimitable fine moulded
small round firm and excellently white the grain of their skin so soothing
so flattering to the touch and their nipples that crownd them the sweetest
buds of beauty When he had feasted his eyes with the touch and perusal feasted
his lips with kisses of the highest relish imprinted on those alldelicious
twin orbs he proceeded downwards
Her legs still kept the ground and now with the tenderest attention not to
shock or alarm her too suddenly he by degrees rather stole than rolled up her
petticoats at which as if a signal had been given Louisa and Emily took hold
of her legs in pure wantonness and in ease to her kept them stretched wide
abroad Then lay exposed or to speak more properly displayd the greatest
parade in nature of female charms The whole company who except myself had
often seen them seemed as much dazzled surprizd and delighted as any one
could be who had now beheld them for the first time Beauties so excessive could
not but enjoy the privileges of eternal novelty Her thighs were so exquisitely
fashioned that either more in or more out of flesh than they were they would
have declined from that point of perfection they presented But what infinitely
enrichd and adornd them was the sweet intersection formed where they met at
the bottom of the smoothest roundest whitest belly by that central furrow
which nature had sunk there between the soft relieve of two pouting ridges
and which in this was in perfect symmetry of delicacy and miniature with the
rest of her frame No nothing in nature could be of a beautifuller cut then
the dark umbrage of the downy springmoss that overarched it bestowed on the
luxury of the landscape a touching warmth a tender finishing beyond the
expression of words or even the paint of thought
Her truly enamourd gallant who had stood absorbed and engrossed by the
pleasure of the sight long enough to afford us time to feast ours no fear of
glutting addressed himself at length to the materials of enjoyment and
lifting the linen veil that hung between us and his master member of the revels
exhibited one whose eminent size proclaimed the owner a true womans hero He
was besides in every other respect an accomplishd gentleman and in the bloom
and vigour of youth Standing then between Harriets legs which were supported
by her two companions at their widest extension with one hand he gently
disclosed the lips of that luscious mouth of nature whilst with the other he
stooped his mighty machine to its lure from the height of his stiff standup
towards his belly the lips kept open by his fingers received its broad
shelving head of coral hue and when he had nestled it in he hovered there a
little and the girls then deliverd over to his hips the agreeable office of
supporting her thighs and now as if meant to spin out his pleasure and give
it the more play for its life he passed up his instrument so slow that we lost
sight of it inch by inch till at length it was wholly taken into the soft
laboratory of love and the mossy mounts of each fairly met together In the
mean time we could plainly mark the prodigious effect the progressions of this
delightful energy wrought in this delicious girl gradually heightening her
beauty as they heightened her pleasure Her countenance and whole frame grew
more animated the faint blush of her cheeks gaining ground on the white
deepened into a florid vivid vermilion glow her naturally brilliant eyes now
sparkled with tenfold lustre her languor was vanishd and she appeared quick
spirited and alive all over He had now fixed nailed this tender creature
with his homedriven wedge so that she lay passive by force and unable to
stir till beginning to play a strain of arms against this vein of delicacy as
he urged the toandfro confriction he awakend rousd and touchd her so to
the heart that unable to contain herself she could not but reply to his
motions as briskly as her nicety of frame would admit of till the raging stings
of the pleasure rising towards the point made her wild with the intolerable
sensations of it and she now threw her legs and arms about at random as she
lay lost in the sweet transport which on his side declared itself by quicker
eager thrusts convulsive gasps burning sighs swift laborious breathings eyes
darting humid fires all faithful tokens of the imminent approaches of the last
gasp of joy It came on at length the baronet led the extasy which she
critically joined in as she felt the melting symptoms from him in the nick of
which glewing more ardently than ever his lips to hers he shewed all the signs
of that agony of bliss being strong upon him in which he gave her the finishing
titillation inly thrilld with which we saw plainly that she answered it down
with all effusion of spirit and matter she was mistress of whilst a general
soft shudder ran through all her limbs which she gave a stretchout of and lay
motionless breathless dying with dear delight and in the height of its
expression shewing through the nearly closed lids of her eyes just the edges
of their black the rest being rolled strongly upwards in their extasy then her
sweet mouth appeard languishingly open with the tip of her tongue leaning
negligently towards the lower range of her white teeth whilst the natural ruby
colour of her lips glowed with heightened life Was not this a subject to dwell
upon And accordingly her lover still kept on her with an abiding delectation
till compressed squeezed and distilled to the last drop he took leave with one
fervent kiss expressing satisfyd desires but unextinguishd love
As soon as he was off I ran to her and sitting down on the couch by her
raisd her head which she declind gently and hung on my bosom to hide her
blushes and confusion at what had passd till by degrees she recomposed herself
and accepted of a restorative glass of wine from my spark who had left me to
fetch it her whilst her own was readjusting his affairs and buttoning up
after which he led her leaning languishingly upon him to our stand of view
round the couch
And now Emilys partner had taken her out for her share in the dance when
this transcendently fair and sweet tempered creature readily stood up and if a
complexion to put the rose and lily out of countenance extreme pretty features
and that florid health and bloom for which the countrygirls are so lovely
might pass her for a beauty this she certainly was and one of the most
striking of the fair ones
Her gallant began first as she stood to disengage her breasts and restore
them to the liberty of nature from the easy confinement of no more than a pair
of jumps but on their coming out to view we thought a new light was added to
the room so superiourly shining was their whiteness then they rose in so happy
a swell as to compose her a wellformed fulness of bosom that had such an
effect on the eye as to seem flesh hardening into marble of which it emulated
the polished gloss and far surpassed even the whitest in the life and lustre
of its colours white veined with blue Refrain who could from such provoking
enticements to it in reach He touched her breasts first lightly when the
glossy smoothness of the skin eluded his hand and made it slip along the
surface he pressd them and the springy flesh that filled them thus pitted by
force rose again reboundingly with his hand and on the instant effacd the
pressure and alike indeed was the consistence of all those parts of her body
throughout where the fulness of flesh compacts and constitutes all that fine
firmness which the touch is so highly attachd to When he had thus largely
pleased himself with this branch of dalliance and delight he trussd up her
petticoat and shift in a wisp to her waist where being tuckd in she stood
fairly naked on every side a blush at this overspread her lovely face and her
eyes downcast to the ground seemed to be for quarter when she had so great a
right to triumph in all the treasures of youth and beauty that she now so
victoriously displayd Her legs were perfectly well shaped and her thighs
which she kept pretty close shewed so white so round so substantial and
abounding in firm flesh that nothing could offer a stronger recommendation to
the luxury of the touch which he accordingly did not fail to indulge himself
in Then gently removing her hand which in the first emotion of natural modesty
she had carried thither he gave us rather a glimpse than a view of that soft
narrow chink running its little length downwards and hiding the remains of it
between her thighs but plain was to be seen the fringe of lightbrown curls in
beauteous growth over it that with their silky gloss created a pleasing variety
from the surrounding white whose lustre too their gentle embrowning shade
considerably raised Her spark then endeavoured as she stood by disclosing her
thighs to gain us a completer sight of that central charm of attraction but
not obtaining it so conveniently in that attitude he led her to the foot of the
couch and bringing to it one of the pillows gently inclind her head down so
that as she leaned with it over her crossed hands straddling with her thighs
wide spread and jutting her body out she presented a full back view of her
person naked to her waist Her posteriours plump smooth and prominent
formd luxuriant tracts of animated snow that splendidly filled the eye till
it was commanded down the parting or separation of those exquisitely white
cliffs by their narrow vale and was there stopt and attracted by the
embowered bottomcavity that terminated this delightful vista and stood
moderately gaping from the influence of her bended posture so that the
agreeable interior red of the sides of the orifice came into view and with
respect to the white that dazzled round it gave somewhat the idea of a pink
slash in the glossiest white satin Her gallant who was a gentleman about
thirty somewhat inclind to a fatness that was in no sort displeasing
improving the hint thus tendered him of this mode of enjoyment after settling
her well in this posture and encouraging her with kisses and caresses to stand
him through drew out his affair ready erected and whose extreme length rather
disproportiond to its breadth was the more surprizing as that excess is not
often the case with those of his corpulent habit making then the right and
direct application he drove it up to the guard whilst the round bulge of those
Turkish beauties of hers tallying with the hollow made with the bent of his
belly and thighs as they curved inwards brought all those parts surely not
undelightfully into warm touch and close conjunction his hands he kept
passing round her body and employed in toying with her enchanting breasts As
soon too as she felt him at home as he could reach she lifted her head a little
from the pillow and turning her neck without much straining but her cheeks
glowing with the deepest scarlet and a smile of the tenderest satisfaction met
the kiss he pressd forward to give her as they were thus close joined together
when leaving him to pursue his delights she hid again her face and blushes with
her hands and pillow and thus stood passively and as favourably too as she
could whilst he kept laying at her with repeated thrusts and making the meeting
flesh on both sides resound again with the violence of them then ever as he
backend from her we could see between them part of his long whitestaff
foamingly in motion till as he went on again and closed with her the
interposing hillocks took it out of sight Sometimes he took his hands from the
semiglobes of her bosom and transferred the pressure of them to those larger
ones the present subjects of his soft blockade which he squeezd graspd and
playd with till at length a pursuit of driving so hotly urged brought on the
height of the fit with such overpowering pleasure that his fair partner
became now necessary to support him panting fainting and dying as he
discharged which she no sooner felt the killing sweetness of than unable to
keep her legs and yielding to the mighty intoxication she reeled and falling
forward on the couch made it a necessity for him if he would preserve the warm
pleasurehold to fall upon her where they perfected in a continued
conjunction of body and extatic flow their scheme of joys for that time
As soon as he had disengagd the charming Emily got up and we crowded
round her with congratulations and other officious little services for it is to
be noted that though all modesty and reserve were banished from the transaction
of these pleasures good manners and politeness were inviolably observd here
was no gross ribaldry no offensive or rude behaviour or ungenerous reproaches
to the girls for their compliance with the humours and desires of the men On
the contrary nothing was wanting to soothe encourage and soften the sense of
their condition to them Men know not in general how much they destroy of their
own pleasure when they break through the respect and tenderness due to our sex
and even to those of it who live only by pleasing them And this was a maxim
perfectly well understood by these polite voluptuaries these profound adepts in
the great art and science of pleasure who never shewd these votaries of theirs
a more tender respect than at the time of those exercises of their complaisance
when they unlockd their treasures of concealed beauty and shewed out in the
pride of their native charms evermore touching surely than when they paraded
it in the artificial ones of dress and ornament
The frolick was now come round to me and it being my turn of subscription
to the will and pleasure of my particular elect as well as to that of the
company he came to me and saluting me very tenderly with a flattering
eagerness put me in mind of the compliances my presence there authorizd the
hopes of and at the same time repeated to me that if all this force of example
had not surmounted any repugnance I might have to concur with the humours and
desires of the company that though the play was bespoke for my benefit and
great as his own private disappointment might be he would suffer any thing
sooner than be the instrument of imposing a disagreeable task on me
To this I answered without the least hesitation or mincing grimace that
had I not even contracted a kind of engagement to be at his disposal without the
least reserve the example of such agreeable companions would alone determine me
and that I was in no pain about any thing but my appearing to so great a
disadvantage after such superior beauties And take notice that I thought as I
spoke The frankness of the answer pleasd them all my particular was
complimented on his acquisition and by way of indirect flattery to me openly
envied
Mrs Cole by the way could not have given me a greater mark of her regard
than in managing for me the choice of this young gentleman for my master of the
ceremonies for independent of his noble birth and the great fortune he was
heir to his person was even uncommonly pleasing well shaped and tall his face
markd with the smallpox but no more than what added a grace of more manliness
to features rather turned to softness and delicacy was marvellously enlivend
by eyes which were of the clearest sparkling black in short he was one whom
any woman would in the familiar style readily call a very pretty fellow
I was now handed by him to the cockpit of our match where as I was
dressed in nothing but a white morning gown he vouchsafed to play the
maleAbigail on this occasion and spared me the confusion that would have
attended the forwardness of undressing myself my gown then was loosend in a
trice and I divested of it my stay next offered an obstacle which readily gave
way Louisa very readily furnishing a pair of scissors to cut the lace off went
that shell and dropping my uppercoat I was reduced to my under one and my
shift the open bosom of which gave the hands and eyes all the liberty they
could wish Here I imagind the stripping was to stop but I reckoned short my
spark at the desire of the rest tenderly begged that I would not suffer the
small remains of a covering to rob them of a full view of my whole person and
for me who was too flexibly obsequious to dispute any point with them and who
considered the little more that remaind as very immaterial I readily assented
to whatever he pleased In an instant then my underpetticoat was untied and
at my feet and my shift drawn over my head so that my cap slightly fastend
came off with it and brought all my hair down of which be it again remembered
without vanity that I had a very fine head in loose disorderly ringlets over
my neck and shoulders to the not unfavourable setoff of my skin
I now stood before my judges in all the truth of nature to whom I could not
appear a very disagreeable figure if you please to recollect what I have before
said of my person which time that at certain periods of life robs us every
instant of our charms had at that of mine then greatly improved into full and
open bloom for I wanted some months of eighteen My breasts which in the state
of nudity are ever capital points now in no more than in graceful plenitude
maintained a firmness and steady independence of any stay or support that dared
and invited the test of the touch Then I was as tall as slimshaped as could
be consistent with all that juicy plumpness of flesh ever the most grateful to
the senses of sight and touch which I owed to the health and youth of my
constitution I had not however so thoroughly renouncd all innate shame as
not to suffer great confusion at the state I saw myself in but the whole troop
round me men and women relieved me with every mark of applause and
satisfaction every flattering attention to raise and inspire me with even
sentiments of pride on the figure I made which my friend gallantly protested
infinitely outshone all other birthday finery whatever so that had I leave to
set down for sincere all the compliments these connoisseurs overwhelmed me
with upon this occasion I might flatter myself with having passd my
examination with the approbation of the learned
My friend however who for this time had alone the disposal of me humoured
their curiosity and perhaps his own so far that he placed me in all the
variety of postures and lights imaginable pointing out every beauty under every
aspect of it not without such parentheses of kisses such inflammatory
liberties of his roving hands as made all shame fly before them and a blushing
glow give place to a warmer one of desire which led me even to find some relish
in the present scene
But in this general survey you may be sure the most material spot of me
was not excusd the strictest visitation nor was it but agreed that I had not
the least reason to be diffident of passing even for a maid on occasion so
inconsiderable a flaw had my preceding adventures created there and so soon had
the blemish of an overstretch been repaired and worn out at my age and in my
naturally small make in that part
Now whether my partner had exhausted all the modes of regaling the touch or
sight or whether he was now ungovernably wound up to strike I know not but
briskly throwing off his clothes the prodigious heat bred by a close room a
great fire numerous candles and even the inflammatory warmth of these scenes
induced him to lay aside his shirt too when his breeches before loosend now
gave up their contents to view and shewd in front the enemy I had to engage
with stiffly bearing up the port of its head unhooded and glowing red Then I
plainly saw what I had to trust to it was one of those just truesizd
instruments of which the masters have a better command than the more unwieldy
inordinate sizd ones are generally under Straining me then close to his bosom
as he stood up foreright against me and applying to the obvious niche its
peculiar idol he aimed at inserting it which as I forwardly favoured he
effected at once by canting up my thighs over his naked hips and made me
receive every inch and close home so that stuck upon the pleasurepivot and
clinging round his neck in which and in his hair I hid my face burningly
flushing with my present feelings as much as with shame my bosom glewd to his
he carried me once round the couch on which he then without quitting the
middlefastness or dischannelling laid me down and began the pleasuregrist
But so provokingly predisposed and primed as we were by all the moving sights
of the night our imagination was too much heated not to melt us of the soonest
and accordingly I no sooner felt the warm spray darted up my inwards from him
but I was punctually on flow to share the momentary extasy but I had yet
greater reason to boast of our harmony for finding that all the flames of
desire were not yet quenchd within me but that rather like wetted coals I
glowed the fiercer for this sprinkling my hotmettled spark sympathizing with
me and loaded for a double fire recontinud the sweet battery with undying
vigour greatly pleasd at which I gratefully endeavoured to accommodate all my
motions to his best advantage and delight kisses squeezes tender murmurs all
came into play till our joys growing more turbulent and riotous threw us into
a fond disorder and as they raged to a point bore us far from ourselves into
an ocean of boundless pleasures into which we both plunged together in a
transport of taste Now all the impressions of burning desire from the lively
scenes I had been spectatress of ripened by the heat of this exercise and
collecting to a head throbbd and agitated me with insupportable irritations I
perfectly fevered and maddend with their excess I did not now enjoy a calm of
reason enough to perceive but I extatically indeed felt the power of such
rare and exquisite provocatives as the examples of the night had proved towards
thus exalting our pleasures which with great joy I sensibly found my gallant
shared in by his nervous and home expressions of it his eyes flashing eloquent
flames his action infuriated with the stings of it all conspiring to rise my
delight by assuring me of his Lifted then to the utmost pitch of joy that human
life can bear undestroyed by excess I touchd that sweetly critical point
whence scarce prevented by the injection from my partner I dissolved and
breaking out into a deep drawn sigh sent my whole sensitive soul down to that
passage where escape was denied it by its being so deliciously plugged and
chokd up Thus we lay a few blissful instants overpowered still and languid
till as the sense of pleasure stagnated we recoverd from our trance and he
slipt out of me not however before he had protested his extreme satisfaction by
the tenderest kiss and embrace as well as by the most cordial expressions
The company who had stood round us in a profound silence when all was
over helpd me to hurry on my cloaths in an instant and complimented me on the
sincere homage they could not escape observing had been done as they termed it
to the sovereignty of my charms in my receiving a double payment of tribute at
one juncture But my partner now dressd again signalizd above all a
fondness unbated by the circumstance of recent enjoyment the girls too kissd
and embraced me assuring me that for that time or indeed any other unless I
pleased I was to go thro no farther publick trials and that I was now
consummatedly initiated and one of them
As it was an inviolable law for every gallant to keep to his partner for
the night especially and even till he relinquishd possession over to the
community in order to preserve a pleasing property and to avoid the disgusts
and indelicacy of another arrangement the company after a short refection of
biscuits and wine tea and chocolate served in at now about one in the morning
broke up and went off in pairs Mrs Cole had prepared my spark and me an
occasional fieldbed to which we retird and there ended the night in one
continued strain of pleasure sprightly and uncloyd enough for us not to have
formed one wish for its ever knowing an end In the morning after a restorative
breakfast in bed he got up and with very tender assurances of a particular
regard for me left me to the composure and refreshment of a sweet slumber
waking out of which and getting up to dress before Mrs Cole should come in I
found in one of my pockets a purse of guineas which he had slipt there and
just as I was musing on a liberality I had certainly not expected Mrs Cole
came in to whom I immediately communicated the present and naturally offered
her whatever share she pleasd but assuring me that the gentleman had very
nobly rewarded her she would on no terms no entreaties no shape I could put
it in receive any part of it Her denial she observed was not affectation of
grimace and proceeded to read me such admirable lessons on the economy of my
person and my purse as I became amply paid for my general attention and
conformity to in the course of my acquaintance with the town After which
changing the discourse she fell on the pleasures of the preceding night where
I learnd without much surprize as I began to enter on her character that she
had seen every thing that had passed from a convenient place managed solely for
that purpose and of which she readily made me the confidante
She had scarce finishd this when the little troop of love the girls my
companions broke in and renewed their compliments and caresses I observed with
pleasure that the fatigues and exercises of the night had not usurped in the
least on the life of their complexion or the freshness of their bloom this I
found by their confession was owing to the management and advice of our rare
directress They went down then to figure it as usual in the shop whilst I
repaird to my lodgings where I employed myself till I returned to dinner at
Mrs Coles
Here I staid in constant amusement with one or other of these charming
girls till about five in the evening when seizd with a sudden drowsy fit I
was prevailed on to go up and doze it off on Harriets bed who left me on it to
my repose There then I lay down in my cloaths and fell fast asleep and had now
enjoyed by guess about an hours rest when I was pleasingly disturbed by my
new and favourite gallant who enquiring for me was readily directed where to
find me Coming then into my chamber and seeing me lie alone with my face
turnd from the light towards the inside of the bed he without more ado just
slipped off his breeches for the greater ease and enjoyment of the naked touch
and softly turning up my petticoat and shift behind opened the prospect of the
back avenue to the genial seat of pleasure where as I lay at my side length
inclining rather face downward I appeared full fair and liable to be entered
Laying himself then gently down by me he invested me behind and giving me to
feel the warmth of his body as he applied his thighs and belly close to me and
the endeavours of that machine whose touch has something so exquisitely
singular in it to make its way good into me I wakd pretty much startled at
first but seeing who it was disposed myself to turn to him when he gave me a
kiss and desiring me to keep my posture just lifted up my upper thigh and
ascertaining the right opening soon drove it up to the farthest satisfied with
which and solacing himself with lying so close in those parts he suspended
motion and thus steeped in pleasure kept me lying on my side into him
spoonfashion as he termd it from the snug indent of the back part of my
thighs and all upwards into the space of the bending between his thighs and
belly till after some time that restless and turbulent inmate impatient by
nature of longer quiet urgd him to action which now prosecuting with all the
usual train of toying kissing and the like ended at length in the liquid
proof on both sides that we had not exhausted or at least were quickly
recruited of last nights draughts of pleasure in us
With this noble and agreeable youth livd I in perfect joy and constancy He
was full bent on keeping me to himself for the honeymonth at least but his
stay in London was not even so long his father who had a post in Ireland
taking him abruptly with him on his repairing thither Yet even then I was near
keeping hold of his affection and person as he had proposd and I had
consented to follow him in order to go to Ireland after him as soon as he could
be settled there but meeting with an agreeable and advantageous match in that
kingdom he chose the wiser part and forebore sending for me but at the same
time took care that I should receive a very magnificent present which did not
however compensate for all my deep regret on my loss of him
This event also created a chasm in our little society which Mrs Cole on
the foot of her usual caution was in no haste to fill up but then it redoubled
her attention to procure me in the advantages of a traffic for a counterfeit
maidenhead some consolation for the sort of widowhood I had been left in and
this was a scheme she had never lost prospect of and only waited for a proper
person to bring it to bear with
But I was it seems fated to be my own caterer in this as I had been in my
first trial of the market
I had now passd near a month in the enjoyment of all the pleasures of
familiarity and society with my companions whose particular favourites the
baronet excepted who soon after took Harriet home had all on the terms of
community establishd in the house solicited the gratification of their taste
for variety in my embraces but I had with the utmost art and address on
various pretexts eluded their pursuit without giving them cause to complain
and this reserve I used neither out of dislike of them or disgust of the thing
but my true reason was my attachment to my own and my tenderness of invading
the choice of my companions who outwardly exempt as they seemd from
jealousy could not but in secret like me the better for the regard I had for
without making a merit of it to them Thus easy and beloved by the whole
family did I go on when one day that about five in the afternoon I stepped
over to a fruiterers shop in Covent Garden to pick some table fruit for myself
and the young women I met with the following adventure
Whilst I was chaffering for the fruit I wanted I observd myself followd
by a young gentleman whose rich dress first attracted my notice for the rest
he had nothing remarkable in his person except that he was pale thinmade and
venturd himself upon legs rather of the slenderest Easy was it to perceive
without seeming to perceive it that it was me he wanted to be at and keeping
his eyes fixed on me till he came to the same basket that I stood at and
cheapening or rather giving the first price askd for the fruit began his
approaches Now most certainly I was not at all out of figure to pass for a
modest girl I had neither the feathers nor fumet of a taudry townmiss a straw
hat a white gown clean linen and above all a certain natural and easy air of
modesty which the appearances of never forsook me even on those occasions that
I most broke in upon it in practice were all signs that gave him no opening to
conjecture my condition He spoke to me and this address from a stranger
throwing a blush into my cheeks that still set him wider off the truth I
answered him with an aukwardness and confusion the more apt to impose as there
was really a mixture of the genuine in them But when proceeding on the foot of
having broken the ice to join discourse he went into other leading questions
I put so much innocence simplicity and even childishness into my answers that
on no better foundation liking my person as he did I will answer for it he
would have been sworn for my modesty There is in short in the men when once
they are caught by the eye especially a fund of cullibility that their lordly
wisdom little dreams of and in virtue of which the most sagacious of them are
seen so often our dupes Amongst other queries he put to me one was whether I
was married I replied that I was too young to think of that this many a year
To that of my age I answered and sunk a year upon him passing myself for not
seventeen As to my way of life I told him I had servd an apprenticeship to a
milliner in Preston and was come to town after a relation that I had found on
my arrival was dead and now livd journeywoman to a milliner in town That
last article indeed was not much of the side of what I pretended to pass for
but it did pass under favour of the growing passion I had inspird him with
After he had next got out of me very dextrously as he thought what I had no
sort of design to make reserve of my own my mistresss name and place of
abode he loaded me with fruit all the rarest and dearest he could pick out
and sent me home pondering on what might be the consequence of this adventure
As soon then as I came to Mrs Coles I related to her all that passed on
which she very judiciously concluded that if he did not come after me there was
no harm done and that if he did as her presage suggested to her he would his
character and his views should be well sifted so as to know whether the game
was worth the springs that in the mean time nothing was easier than my part in
it since no more rested on me than to follow her cue and promptership
throughout to the last act
The next morning after an evening spent on his side as we afterwards
learnt in perquisitions into Mrs Coles character in the neighbourhood than
which nothing could be more favourable to her design upon him my gentleman
came in his chariot to the shop where Mrs Cole alone had an inkling of his
errand Asking then for her he easily made a beginning of acquaintance by
bespeaking some millinery ware when as I sat without lifting up my eyes and
pursuing the hem of a ruffle with the utmost composure and simplicity of
industry Mrs Cole took notice that the first impressions I made on him ran no
risk of being destroyed by those of Louisa and Emily who were then sitting at
work by me After vainly endeavouring to catch my eyes in reencounter with his
as I held my head down affecting a kind of consciousness of guilt for having
by speaking to him given him encouragement and means of following me and
after giving Mrs Cole direction when to bring the things home herself and the
time he should expect them he went out taking with him some goods that he paid
for liberally for the better grace of his introduction
The girls all this time did not in the least smoke the mystery of this new
customer but Mrs Cole as soon as we were conveniently alone insurd me in
virtue of her long experience in these matters that for this bout my charms had
not missd fire for that by his eagerness his manner and looks she was sure
he had it the only point now in doubt was his character and circumstances
which her knowledge of the town would soon gain her sufficient acquaintance
with to take her measures upon
And effectively in a few hours her intelligence servd her so well that
she learnd that this conquest of mine was no other than Mr Norbert a
gentleman originally of great fortune which with a constitution naturally not
the best he had vastly impaired by his overviolent pursuit of the vices of the
town in the course of which having worn out and stald all the more common
modes of debauchery he had fallen into a taste of maidenhunting in which
chase he had ruind a number of girls sparing no expence to compass his ends
and generally using them well till tired or coold by enjoyment or springing a
new face he could with more ease disembarrass himself of the old ones and
resign them to their fate as his sphere of achievements of that sort lay only
amongst such as he could proceed with by way of bargain and sale
Concluding from these premises Mrs Cole observd that a character of this
sort was ever a lawful prize that the sin would be not to make the best of our
market of him and that she thought such a girl as I only too good for him at
any rate and on any terms
She went then at the hour appointed to his lodgings in one of our inns of
court which were furnished in a taste of grandeur that had a special eye to all
the conveniences of luxury and pleasure Here she found him in ready waiting
and after finishing her pretence of business and a long circuit of discussions
concerning her trade which she said was very bad the qualities of her
servants prentices journeywomen the discourse naturally landed at length on
me when Mrs Cole acting admirably the good old prating gossip who lets every
thing escape her when her tongue is set in motion cooked him up a story so
plausible of me throwing in every now and then such strokes of art with all
the simplest air of nature in praise of my person and temper as finished him
finely for her purpose whilst nothing could be better counterfeited than her
innocence of his But when now fired and on edge he proceeded to drop hints of
his design and views upon me after he had with much confusion and pains brought
her to the point she kept as long aloof from as she thought proper of
understanding him without now affecting to pass for a dragoness of virtue by
flying out into those violent and ever suspicious passions she stuck with the
better grace and effect to the character of a plain good sort of a woman that
knew no harm and that getting her bread in an honest way was made of stuff
easy and flexible enough to be wrought upon to his ends by his superior skill
and address but however she managed so artfully that three or four meetings
took place before he could obtain the least favourable hope of her assistance
without which he had by a number of fruitless messages letters and other
direct trials of my disposition convinced himself there was no coming at me
all which too raisd at once my character and price with him
Regardful however of not carrying these difficulties to such a length as
might afford time for starting discoveries or incidents unfavourable to her
plan she at last pretended to be won over by mere dint of entreaties promises
and above all by the dazzling sum she took care to wind him up to the
specification of when it was now even a piece of art to feign at once a
yielding to the allurements of a great interest as a pretext for her yielding
at all and the manner of it such as might persuade him she had never dippd her
virtuous fingers in an affair of that sort
Thus she led him through all the gradations of difficulty and obstacles
necessary to enhance the value of the prize he aimd at and in conclusion he
was so struck with the little beauty I was mistress of and so eagerly bent on
gaining his ends of me that he left her even no room to boast of her management
in bringing him up to her mark he drove so plum of himself into every thing
tending to make him swallow the bait Not but in other respects Mr Norbert
was not clear sighted enough or that he did not perfectly know the town and
even by experience the very branch of imposition now in practice upon him but
we had his passion our friend so much he was so blinded and hurried on by it
that he would have thought any undeception a very ill office done to his
pleasure Thus concurring even precipitately to the point she wanted him at
Mrs Cole brought him at last to hug himself on the cheap bargain he considerd
the purchase of my imaginary jewel was to him at no more than three hundred
guineas to myself and a hundred to the brokeress being a slender recompense
for all her pains and all the scruples of conscience she had now sacrificed to
him for this the first time of her life which sums were to be paid down on the
nail upon livery of my person exclusive of some no inconsiderable presents
that had been made in the course of the negociation during which I had
occasionally but sparingly been introducd into his company at proper times
and hours in which it is incredible how little it seemd necessary to strain my
natural disposition to modesty higher in order to pass it upon him for that of
a very maid all my looks and gestures ever breathing nothing but that innocence
which the men so ardently require in us for no other end than to feast
themselves with the pleasures of destroying it and which they are so
grievously with all their skill subject to mistakes in
When the articles of the treaty had been fully agreed on the stipulated
payments duly securd and nothing now remained but the execution of the main
point which centerd in the surrender of my person up to his free disposal and
use Mrs Cole managed her objections especially to his lodgings and
insinuations so nicely that it became his own mere notion and urgent request
that this copy of a wedding should be finishd at her house At first indeed
she did not care said she to have such doings in it she would not for a
thousand pounds have any of the servants or prentices know it her precious
good name would be gone for ever with the like excuses However on superior
objections to all other expedients whilst she took care to start none but those
which were most liable to them it came round at last to the necessity of her
obliging him in that conveniency and of doing a little more where she had
already done so much
The night then was fixd with all possible respect to the eagerness of his
impatience and in the mean time Mrs Cole had omitted no instructions nor even
neglected any preparation that might enable me to come off with honour in
regard to the appearance of my virginity except that favourd as I was by
nature with all the narrowness of stricture in that part requisite to conduct my
designs I had no occasion to borrow those auxiliaries of art that create a
momentary one easily discoverd by the test of a warm bath and as to the usual
sanguinary symptoms of defloration which if not always are generally
attendants on it Mrs Cole had made me the mistress of an invention of her own
which could hardly miss its effect and of which more in its place
Everything then being disposed and fixd for Mr Norberts reception he
was at the hour of eleven at night with all the mysteries of silence and
secrecy let in by Mrs Cole herself and introduced into her bedchamber
where in an oldfashioned bed of hers I lay fully undressed and panting if
not with the fears of a real maid at least with those perhaps greater of a
dissembled one which gave me an air of confusion and bashfulness that
maidenmodesty had all the honour of and was indeed scarce distinguishable from
it even by less partial eyes than those of my lover so let me call him for I
ever thought the term cully too cruel a reproach to the men for their abused
weakness for us
As soon as Mrs Cole after the old gossipery on these occasions usd to
young women abandoned for the first time to the will of man had left us alone
in her room which bythebye was well lighted up at his previous desire
that seemed to bode a stricter examination than he afterwards made Mr Norbert
still dressed sprung towards the bed where I got my head under the cloaths
and defended them a good while before he could even get at my lips to kiss
them so true it is that a false virtue on this occasion even makes a greater
rout and resistance than a true one From thence he descended to my breasts the
feel I disputed tooth and nail with him till tired with my resistance and
thinking probably to give a better account of me when got into bed to me he
hurryd his cloaths off in an instant and came into bed
Mean while by the glimpse I stole of him I could easily discover a person
far from promising any such doughty performances as the storming of maidenheads
generally requires and whose flimsy consumptive texture gave him more the air
of an invalid that was pressed than of a volunteer on such hot service
At scarce thirty he had already reduced his strength of appetite down to a
wretched dependence on forcd provocatives very little seconded by the natural
power of a body jaded and racked off to the lees by constant repeated
overdraughts of pleasure which had done the work of sixty winters on his
springs of life leaving him at the same time all the fire and heat of youth in
his imagination which served at once to torment and spur him down the
precipice
As soon as he was in bed he threw off the bedcloaths which I suffered him
to force from my hold and I now lay as exposd as he could wish not only to
his attacks but his visitation of the sheets where in the various agitations
of the body through my endeavours to defend myself he could easily assure
himself there was no preparation though to do him justice he seemd a less
strict examinant than I had apprehended from so experiencd a practitioner My
shift then he fairly tore open finding I made too much use of it to barricade
my breasts as well as the more important avenue yet in every thing else he
proceeded with all the marks of tenderness and regard to me whilst the art of
my play was to shew none for him I acted then all the niceties apprehensions
and terrors supposable for a girl perfectly innocent to feel at so great a
novelty as a naked man in bed with her for the first time He scarce even
obtained a kiss but what he ravished I put his hand away twenty times from my
breasts where he had satisfied himself of their hardness and consistence with
passing for hitherto unhandled goods But when grown impatient for the main
point he now threw himself upon me and first trying to examine me with his
finger sought to make himself further way I complained of his usage bitterly
I thought he would not have servd a body so I was ruind I did not know
what I had done I would get up so I would and at the same time kept my
thighs so fast locked that it was not for strength like his to force them open
or do any good Finding thus my advantages and that I had both my own and his
motions at command the deceiving him came so easy that it was perfectly playing
upon velvet In the mean time his machine which was one of those sizes that
slip in and out without being minded kept pretty stiffly bearing against that
part which the shutting my thighs barrd access to but finding at length he
could do no good by mere dint of bodily strength he resorted to entreaties and
arguments to which I only answerd with a tone of shame and timidity that I
was afraid he would kill me Lord I would not be served so I was
never so used in all my born days I wondered he was not ashamed of himself
so I did with such silly infantile moods of repulse and complaint as I
judged best adapted to express the character of innocence and affright
Pretending however to yield at length to the vehemence of his insistence in
action and words I sparingly disclosed my thighs so that he could just touch
the cloven inlet with the tip of his instrument but as he fatigued and toild
to get it in a twist of my body so as to receive it obliquely not only
thwarted his admission but giving a scream as if he had pierced me to the
heart I shook him off me with such violence that he could not with all his
might to it keep the saddle vexd indeed at this he seemed but not in the
style of any displeasure with me for my skittishness on the contrary I dare
swear he held me the dearer and hugged himself for the difficulties that even
hurt his instant pleasure Fired however now beyond all bearance of delay he
remounts and beggd of me to have patience stroking and soothing me to it by
all the tenderest endearments and protestations of what he would moreover do for
me at which feigning to be something softened and abating of the anger that I
had shewn at his hurting me so prodigiously I suffered him to lay my thighs
aside and make way for a new trial but I watched the directions and management
of his point so well that no sooner was the orifice in the least open to it
but I gave such a timely jerk as seemed to proceed not from the evasion of his
entry but from the pain his efforts at it put me to a circumstance too that I
did not fail to accompany with proper gestures sighs and cries of complaint of
which that he had hurt me he killd me I should die were the most
frequent interjections But now after repeated attempts in which he had not
made the least impression towards gaining his point at least for that time the
pleasure rose so fast upon him that he could not check or delay it and in the
vigour and fury which the approaches of the height of it inspird him he made
one fierce thrust that had almost put me by my guard and lodged it so far that
I could feel the warm inspersion just within the exterior orifice which I had
the cruelty not to let him finish there but threw him out again not without a
most piercing loud exclamation as if the pain had put me beyond all regard of
being overheard It was easy then to observe that he was more satisfyd more
highly pleased with the supposed motives of his baulk of consummation than he
would have been at the full attainment of it It was on this foot that I solved
to myself all the falsity I employed to procure him that blissful pleasure in
it which most certainly he would not have tasted in the truth of things Easd
however and relieved by one discharge he now applyd himself to sooth
encourage and to put me into humour and patience to bear his next attempt which
he began to prepare and gather force for from all the incentives of the touch
and sight which he could think of by examining every individual part of my
whole body which he declared his satisfaction with in raptures of applauses
kisses universally imprinted and sparing no part of me in all the eagerest
wantonness of feeling seeing and toying His vigour however did not return so
soon and I felt him more than once pushing at the door but so little in a
condition to break in that I question whether he had the power to enter had I
held it ever so open but this he then thought me too little acquainted with the
nature of things to have any regret or confusion about and he kept fatiguing
himself and me for a long time before he was in any state to resume his attacks
with any prospect of success and then I breathd him so warmly and kept him so
at bay that before he had made any sensible progress in point of penetration
he was deliciously sweated and wearyd out indeed so that it was deep in the
morning before he achieved his second letgo about half way of entrance I all
the while crying and complaining of his prodigious vigour and the immensity of
what I appeard to suffer splitting up with Tired however at length with
such athletic drudgery my champion began now to give out and to gladly embrace
the refreshment of some rest Kissing me then with much affection and
recommending me to my repose he presently fell fast asleep which as soon as I
had well satisfyd myself of I with much composure of body so as not to wake
him by any motion with much ease and safety too played of Mrs Coles device
for perfecting the signs of my virginity
In each of the head bedposts just above where the bedsteads are inserted
into them there was a small drawer so artfully adapted to the mouldings of the
timberwork that it might have escapd even the most curious search which
drawers were easily opend or shut by the touch of a spring and were fitted
each with a shallow glass tumbler full of a prepared fluid blood in which lay
soakd for ready use a sponge that required no more than gently reaching the
hand to it taking it out and properly squeezing between the thighs when it
yielded a great deal more of the red liquid than would save a girls honour
after which replacing it and touching the spring all possibility of
discovery or even of suspicion was taken away and all this was not the work
of the fourth part of a minute and on which ever side one lay the thing was
equally easy and practicable by the double care taken to have each bedpost
provided alike True it is that had he waked and caught me in the act it would
at least have covered me with shame and confusion but then that he did not
was with the precautions I took a risk of a thousand to one in my favour
At ease now and out of all fear of any doubt or suspicion on his side I
addressd myself in good earnest to my repose but could obtain none and in
about half an hours time my gentleman waked again and turning towards me I
feigned a sound sleep which he did not long respect but girding himself again
to renew the onset he began to kiss and caress me when now making as if I just
wakd I complained of the disturbance and of the cruel pain that this little
rest had stole my senses from Eager however for the pleasure as well of
consummating an entire triumph over my virginity he said everything that could
overcome my resistance and bribe my patience to the end which now I was ready
to listen to from being secure of the bloody proofs I had prepared of his
victorious violence though I still thought it good policy not to let him in yet
a while I answered then only to his importunities in sighs and moans that I was
so hurt I could not bear it I was sure he had done me a mischief that he
had he was such a sad man At this turning down the cloaths and viewing the
field of battle by the glimmer of a dying taper he saw plainly my thighs
shift and sheets all stained with what he readily took for a virgin effusion
proceeding from his last halfpenetration convincd and transported at which
nothing could equal his joy and exultation The illusion was complete no other
conception entered his head but that of his having been at work upon an unopend
mine which idea upon so strong an evidence redoubled at once his tenderness
for me and his ardour for breaking it wholly up Kissing me then with the
utmost rapture he comforted me and beggd my pardon for the pain he had put me
to observing withal that it was only a thing in course but the worst was
certainly past and that with a little courage and constancy I should get it
once well over and never after experience any thing but the greatest pleasure
By little and little I sufferd myself to be prevailed on and giving as it
were up the point to him I made my thighs insensibly spreading them yield
him liberty of access which improving he got a little within me when by a
well managed reception I workd the female screw so nicely that I kept him from
the easy midchannel direction and by dextrous wreathing and contortions
creating an artificial difficulty of entrance made him win it inch by inch
with the most laborious struggles I all the while sorely complaining till at
length with might and main winding his way in he got it completely home and
giving my virginity as he thought the coup de grâce furnished me with the cue
of setting up a terrible outcry whilst he triumphant and like a cock clapping
his wings over his downtrod mistress pursud his pleasure which presently
rose in virtue of this idea of a complete victory to a pitch that made me soon
sensible of his melting period whilst I now lay acting the deep wounded
breathless frightend undone no longer maid
You would ask me perhaps whether all this time I enjoyd any perception of
pleasure I assure you little or none till just towards the latter end a
faintish sense of it came on mechanically from so long a struggle and frequent
fret in that ever sensible part but in the first place I had no taste for the
person I was suffering the embraces of on a pure mercenary account and then I
was not entirely delighted with myself for the jades part I was playing
whatever excuses I might have to plead for my being brought into it but then
this insensibility kept me so much the mistress of my mind and motions that I
could the better manage so close a counterfeit though the whole scene of
deception
Recoverd at length to a more shew of life by his tender condolences
kisses and embraces I upbraided him and reproachd him with my ruin in such
natural terms as added to his satisfaction with himself for having accomplishd
it and guessing by certain observations of mine that it would be rather
favourable to him to spare him when he some time after feebly enough came on
again to the assault I resolutely withstood any further endeavours on a
pretext that flattered his prowess of my being so violently hurt and sore that
I could not possibly endure a fresh trial He then graciously granted me a
respite and the next morning soon after advancing I got rid of further
importunity till Mrs Cole being rang for by him came in and was made
acquainted in terms of the utmost joy and rapture with his triumphant
certainty of my virtue and the finishing stroke he had given it in the course
of the night of which he added she would see proof enough in bloody
characters on the sheets
You may guess how a woman of her turn of address and experience humourd the
jest and played him off with mixed exclamations of shame anger compassion for
me and of her being pleased that all was so well over in which last I
believe she was certainly sincere And now as the objection which she had
represented as an invincible one to my lying the first night at his lodgings
which were studiously calculated for freedom of intrigues on the account of
my maiden fears and terrors at the thoughts of going to a gentlemans chambers
and being alone with him in bed was surmounted she pretended to persuade me
in favour to him that I should go there to him whenever he pleasd and still
keep up all the necessary appearances of working with her that I might not
lose with my character the prospect of getting a good husband and at the same
time her house would be kept the safer from scandal All this seemd so
reasonable so considerate to Mr Norbert that he never once perceived that she
did not want him to resort to her house lest he might in time discover certain
inconsistencies with the character she had set out with to him besides that
this plan greatly flattered his own ease and views of liberty
Leaving me then to my much wanted rest he got up and Mrs Cole after
settling with him all points relating to me got him undiscovered out of the
house After which as I was awake she came in and gave me due praises for my
success Behaving too with her usual moderation and disinterestedness she
refusd any share of the sum I had thus earned and put me into such a secure
and easy way of disposing of my affairs which now amounted to a kind of little
fortune that a child of ten years old might have kept the account and property
of them safe in its hands
I was now restord again to my former state of a kept mistress and used
punctually to wait on Mr Norbert at his chambers whenever he sent a messenger
for me which I constantly took care to be in the way of and managd with so
much caution that he never once penetrated the nature of my connections with
Mrs Cole but indolently given up to ease and the town dissipations the
perpetual hurry of them hinderd him from looking into his own affairs much
less to mine
In the mean time if I may judge from my own experience none are better
paid or better treated during their reign than the mistresses of those who
enervate by nature debaucheries or age have the least employment for the sex
sensible that a woman must be satisfyd some way they ply her with a thousand
little tender attentions presents caresses confidences and exhaust their
inventions in means and devices to make up for the capital deficiency and even
towards lessening that what arts what modes what refinements of pleasure have
they not recourse to to raise their languid powers and press nature into the
service of their sensuality But here is their misfortune that when by a course
of teasing worrying handling wanton postures lascivious motions they have
at length accomplishd a flashy enervate enjoyment they at the same time
lighted up a flame in the object of their passion that not having the means
themselves to quench drives her for relief into the next persons arms who can
finish their work and thus they become bawds to some favourite tried and
approvd of for a more vigourous and satisfactory execution for with women of
our turn especially however well our hearts may be disposd there is a
controlling part or queen seat in us that governs itself by its own maxims of
state amongst which not one is stronger in practice with it than in the
matter of its dues never to accept the will for the deed
Mr Norbert who was much in this ungracious case though he professd to
like me extremely could but seldom consummate the mainjoy itself with me
without such a length and variety of preparations as were at once wearisome and
inflammatory
Sometimes he would strip me stark naked on a carpet by a good fire when he
would contemplate me almost by the hour disposing me in all the figures and
attitudes of body that it was susceptible of being viewed in kissing me in
every part the most secret and critical one so far from excepted that it
received most of that branch of homage Then his touches were so exquisitely
wanton so luxuriously diffusd and penetrative at times that he had made me
perfectly rage with titillating fires when after all and with much ado he
had gained a shortlived erection he would perhaps melt it away in a washy
sweat or a premature abortive effusion that provokingly mockd my eager
desires or if carried home how falterd and unnervous the execution how
insufficient the sprinkle of a few heatdrops to extinguish all the flames he
had kindled
One evening I cannot help remembering that returning home from him with a
spirit he had raised in a circle his wand had provd too weak to lay as I
turnd the corner of a street I was overtaken by a young sailor I was then in
that spruce neat plain dress which I ever affected and perhaps might have in
my trip a certain air of restlessness unknown to the composure of cooler
thoughts However he seizd me as a prize and without farther ceremony threw
his arms round my neck and kissd me boisterously and sweetly I looked at him
with a beginning of anger and indignation at his rudeness that softened away
into other sentiments as I viewed him for he was tall manly carriaged
handsome of body and face so that I ended my stare with asking him in a tone
turnd to tenderness what he meant at which with the same frankness and
vivacity as he had begun with me he proposed treating me with a glass of wine
Now certain it is that had I been in a calmer state of blood than I was had I
not been under the dominion of unappeasd irritations and desires I should have
refused him without hesitation but I do not know how it was my pressing calls
his figure the occasion and if you will the powerful combination of all
these with a start of curiosity to see the end of an adventure so novel too as
being treated like a common streetplayer made me give a silent consent in
short it was not my head that I now obeyed I suffered myself to be towed along
as it were by this manofwar who took me under his arm as familiarly as if he
had known me all his lifetime and led me into the next convenient tavern
where we were shewn into a little room on one side of the passage Here scarce
allowing himself patience till the waiter brought in the wine calld for he
fell directly on board me when untucking my handkerchief and giving me a
snatching buss he laid my breasts bare at once which he handled with that
keenness of lust that abridges a ceremonial ever more tiresome than pleasing on
such pressing occasions and now hurrying towards the main point we found no
conveniency to our purpose two or three disabled chairs and a rickety table
composing the whole furniture of the room Without more ado he plants me with
my back standing against the wall and my petticoats up and coming out with a
splitter indeed made it shine as he brandished it in my eyes and going to
work with an impetuosity and eagerness bred very likely by a long fast at sea
went to give me a taste of it I straddled I humoured my posture and did my
best in short to buckle to it I took part of it in too but still things did
not go to his thorough liking changing then in a trice his system of battery
he leads me to the table and with a masterhand lays my head down on the edge of
it and with the other canting up my petticoats and shift bares my naked
posteriours to his blind and furious guide it forces its way between them and
I feeling pretty sensibly that it was not going by the right door and knocking
desperately at the wrong one I told him of it »Pooh« says he »my dear any
port in a storm« Altering however directly his course and lowering his
point he fixed it right and driving it up with a delicious stiffness made all
foam again and gave me the tout with such fire and spirit that in the fine
disposition I was in when I submitted to him and stirrd up so fiercely as I
was I got the start of him and went away into the melting swoon and squeezing
him whilst in the convulsive grasp of it drew from him such a plenteous
bedewal as joind to my own effusion perfectly floated those parts and
drownd in a deluge all my raging conflagration of desire
When this was over how to make my retreat was my concern for though I had
been so extremely pleasd with the difference between this warm broadside
pourd so briskly into me and the tiresome pawing and toying to which I had
owed the unappeasd flames that had driven me into this step now I was grown
cooler I began to apprehend the danger of contracting an acquaintance with
this however agreeable stranger who on his side spoke of passing the
evening with me and continuing our intimacy with an air of determination that
made me afraid of its being not so easy to get away from him as I could wish In
the mean time I carefully conceald my uneasiness and readily pretended to
consent to stay with him telling him I should only step to my lodgings to leave
a necessary direction and then instantly return This he very glibly swallowed
on the notion of my being one of those unhappy streeterrants who devote
themselves to the pleasure of the first ruffian that will stoop to pick them up
and of course that I would scarce bilk myself of my hire by my not returning
to make the most of the job Thus he parted with me not before however he had
orderd in my hearing a supper which I had the barbarity to disappoint him of
my company to
But when I got home and told Mrs Cole my adventure she represented so
strongly to me the nature and dangerous consequences of my folly particularly
the risks to my health in being so openleggd and free that I not only took
resolutions never to venture so rashly again which I inviolably preservd but
passd a good many days in continual uneasiness lest I should have met with
other reasons besides the pleasure of that encounter to remember it but these
fears wronged my pretty sailor for which I gladly make him this reparation
I had now livd with Mr Norbert near a quarter of a year in which space I
circulated my time very pleasantly between my amusements at Mrs Coles and a
proper attendance on that gentleman who paid me profusely for the unlimited
complaisance with which I passively humoured every caprice of pleasure and
which had won upon him so greatly that finding as he said all that variety in
me alone which he had sought for in a number of women I had made him lose his
taste for inconstancy and new faces But what was yet at least agreeable as
well as more flattering the love I had inspird him with bred a deference to me
that was of great service to his health for having by degrees and with most
pathetic representations brought him to some husbandry of it and to insure the
duration of his pleasures by moderating their use and correcting those excesses
in them he was so addicted to and which had shatterd his constitution and
destroyed his powers of life in the very point for which he seemed chiefly
desirous to live he was grown more delicate more temperate and in course
more healthy his gratitude for which was taking a turn very favourable for my
fortune when once more the caprice of it dashd the cup from my lips
His sister Lady L for whom he had a great affection desiring him to
accompany her down to Bath for her health he could not refuse her such a
favour and accordingly though he counted on staying away from me no more than
a week at farthest he took his leave of me with an ominous heaviness of heart
and left me a sum far above the state of his fortune and very inconsistent with
the intended shortness of his journey but it ended in the longest that can be
and is never but once taken for arrivd at Bath he was not there two days
before he fell into a debauch of drinking with some gentlemen that threw him
into a high fever and carryd him off in four days time never once out of a
delirium Had he been in his senses to make a will perhaps he might have made
favourable mention of me in it Thus however I lost him and as no condition
of life is more subject to revolutions than that of a woman of pleasure I soon
recoverd my cheerfulness and now beheld myself once more struck off the list
of keptmistresses and returned into the bosom of the community from which I
had been in some manner taken
Mrs Cole still continuing her friendship offered me her assistance and
advice towards another choice but I was now in ease and affluence enough to
look about me at leisure and as to any constitutional calls of pleasure their
pressure or sensibility was greatly lessend by a consciousness of the ease
with which they were to be satisfyd at Mrs Coles house where Louisa and
Emily still continud in the old way and my great favourite Harriet used often
to come and see me and entertain me with her head and heart full of the
happiness she enjoyd with her dear baronet whom she loved with tenderness and
constancy even though he was her keeper and what is yet more had made her
independent by a handsome provision for her and hers I was then in this
vacancy from any regular employ of my person in my way of business when one
day Mrs Cole in the course of the constant confidence we lived in acquainted
me that there was one Mr Barville who used her house just come to town whom
she was not a little perplexd about providing a suitable companion for which
was indeed a point of difficulty as he was under the tyranny of a cruel taste
that of an ardent desire not only of being unmercifully whippd himself but of
whipping others in such sort that tho he paid extravagantly those who had the
courage and complaisance to submit to his humour there were few delicate as he
was in the choice of his subjects who would exchange turns with him so terrible
at the expense of their skin But what yet increased the oddity of this strange
fancy was the gentleman being young whereas it generally attacks it seems
such as are through age obliged to have recourse to this experiment for
quickening the circulation of their sluggish juices and determining a conflux
of the spirits of pleasure towards those flagging shrivelly parts that rise to
life only by virtue of those titillating ardours created by the discipline of
their opposites with which they have so surprising a consent
This Mrs Cole could not well acquaint me with in any expectation of my
offering my service for sufficiently easy as I was in my circumstances it
must have been the temptation of an immense interest indeed that could have
induced me to embrace such a job neither had I ever expressd nor indeed felt
the least impulse or curiosity to know more of a taste that promisd so much
more pain than pleasure to those that stood in no need of such violent goads
what then should move me to subscribe myself voluntarily to a party of pain
foreknowing it such Why to tell the plain truth it was a sudden caprice a
gust of fancy for trying a new experiment mixd with the vanity of proving my
personal courage to Mrs Cole that determined me at all risks to propose
myself to her and relieve her from any farther lookout Accordingly I at once
pleasd and surprisd her with a frank and unreserved tender of my person to
her and her friends absolute disposal on this occasion
My good temporal mother was however so kind as to use all the arguments
she could imagine to dissuade me but as I found they only turnd on a motive
of tenderness to me I persisted in my resolution and thereby acquitted my
offer of any suspicion of its not having been sincerely made or out of
compliment only Acquiescing then thankfully in it Mrs Cole assurd me that
bating the pain I should be put to she had no scruple to engage me to this
party which she assurd me I should be liberally paid for and which the
secrecy of the transaction preserved safe from the ridicule that otherwise
vulgarly attended it that for her part she considered pleasure of one sort or
other as the universal port of destination and every wind that blew thither a
good one provided it blew nobody any harm that she rather compassionated than
blamd those unhappy persons who are under a subjection they cannot shake off
to those arbitrary tastes that rule their appetites of pleasures with an
unaccountable control tastes too as infinitely diversifyd as superior to
and independent of all reasoning as the different relishes or palates of
mankind in their viands some delicate stomachs nauseating plain meats and
finding no savour but in highseasoned luxurious dishes whilst others again
pique themselves upon detesting them
I stood now in no need of this preamble of encouragement of justification
my word was given and I was determind to fulfil my engagements Accordingly
the night was set and I had all the necessary previous instructions how to act
and conduct myself The diningroom was duly prepared and lighted up and the
young gentleman posted there in waiting for my introduction to him
I was then by Mrs Cole brought in and presented to him in a loose
dishabille fitted by her direction to the exercise I was to go through all in
the finest linen and a thorough white uniform gown petticoat stockings and
satin slippers like a victim led to sacrifice whilst my dark auburn hair
falling in dropcurls over my neck created a pleasing distinction of colour
from the rest of my dress
As soon as Mr Barville saw me he got up with a visible air of pleasure
and surprize and saluting me asked Mrs Cole if it was possible that so fine
and delicate a creature would voluntarily submit to such sufferings and rigours
as were the subject of his assignation She answerd him properly and now
reading in his eyes that she could not too soon leave us together she went out
after recommending to him to use moderation with so tender a novice
But whilst she was employing his attention mine had been taken up with
examining the figure and person of this unhappy young gentleman who was thus
unaccountably condemnd to have his pleasure lashed into him as boys have their
learning
He was exceedingly fair and smooth complexiond and appeared to me no more
than twenty at most tho he was three years older than what my conjectures gave
him but then he owd this favourable mistake to a habit of fatness which
spread through a short squab stature and a round plump freshcoloured face
gave him greatly the look of a Bacchus had not an air of austerity not to say
sternness very unsuitable even to his shape of face dashd that character of
joy necessary to complete the resemblance His dress was extremely neat but
plain and far inferior to the ample fortune he was in full possession of this
too was a taste in him and not avarice
As soon as Mrs Cole was gone he seated me near him when now his face
changed upon me into an expression of the most pleasing sweetness and good
humour the more remarkable for its sudden shift from the other extreme which
I found afterwards when I knew more of his character was owing to a habitual
state of conflict with and dislike of himself for being enslaved to so
peculiar a gust by the fatality of a constitutional ascendant that renderd
him incapable of receiving any pleasure till he submitted to these extraordinary
means of procuring it at the hands of pain whilst the constancy of this
repining consciousness stampd at length that cast of sourness and severity on
his features which was in fact very foreign to the natural sweetness of his
temper
After a competent preparation by apologies and encouragement to go through
my part with spirit and constancy he stood up near the fire whilst I went to
fetch the instruments of discipline out of a closet hard by these were several
rods made each of two or three strong twigs of birch tied together which he
took handled and viewd with as much pleasure as I did with a kind of
shuddering presage
Next we took from the side of the room a long broad bench made easy to lie
at length on by a soft cushion in a callicocover and every thing being now
ready he took his coat and waistcoat off and at his motion and desire I
unbuttond his breeches and rolling up his shirt rather above his waist tuckd
it in securely there when directing naturally my eyes to that humoursome
mastermovement in whose favour all these dispositions were making it seemed
almost shrunk into his body scarce shewing its tip above the sprout of hairy
curls that cloathed those parts as you may have seen a wren peep its head out
of the grass
Stooping then to untie his garters he gave them me for the use of tying him
down to the legs of the bench a circumstance no farther necessary than as I
suppose it made part of the humour of the thing since he prescribed it to
himself amongst the rest of the ceremonial
I led him then to the bench and according to my cue playd at forcing him
to lie down which after some little shew of reluctance for formsake he
submitted to he was straightway extended flat upon his belly on the bench
with a pillow under his face and as he thus tamely lay I tied him slightly
hand and foot to the legs of it which done his shirt remaining trussd up
over the small of his back I drew his breeches quite down to his knees and now
he lay in all the fairest broadest display of that part of the backview in
which a pair of chubby smoothcheekd and passing white posteriours rose
cushioning upwards from two stout fleshful thighs and ending their cleft or
separation by an union at the small of the back presented a bold mark that
swelld as it were to meet the scourge
Seizing now one of the rods I stood over him and according to his
direction gave him in one breath ten lashes with much goodwill and the
utmost nerve and vigour of arm that I could put to them so as to make those
fleshy orbs quiver again under them whilst he himself seemd no more concernd
or to mind them than a lobster would a fleabite In the mean time I viewed
intently the effects of them which to me at least appeard surprisingly cruel
every lash had skimmed the surface of those white cliffs which they deeply
reddened and lapping round the side of the furthermost from me cut specially
into the dimple of it such livid weals as the blood either spun out from or
stood in large drops on and from some of the cuts I picked out even the
splinters of the rod that had stuck in the skin Nor was this raw work to be
wonderd at considering the greenness of the twigs and the severity of the
infliction whilst the whole surface of his skin was so smoothstretched over
the hard and firm pulp of flesh that filld it as to yield no play or elusive
swagging under the stroke which thereby took place the more plum and cut into
the quick
I was however already so movd at the piteous sight that I from my heart
repented the undertaking and would willingly have given over thinking he had
full enough but he encouraging and beseeching me earnestly to proceed I gave
him ten more lashes and then resting surveyd the increase of bloody
appearances And at length steeld to the sight by his stoutness in suffering
I continued the discipline by intervals till I observd him wreathing and
twisting his body in a way that I could plainly perceive was not the effect of
pain but of some new and powerful sensation curious to dive into the meaning
of which in one of my pauses of intermission I approached as he still kept
working and grinding his belly against the cushion under him and first
stroking the untouched and unhurt side of the fleshmount next me then softly
insinuating my hand under his thigh felt the posture things were in forwards
which was indeed surprizing for that machine of his which I had by its
appearance taken for an impalpable or at best a very diminutive subject was
now in virtue of all that smart and havoc of his skin behind grown not only to
a prodigious stiffness of erection but to a size that frighted even me a
nonpareil thickness indeed the head of it alone filld the utmost capacity of
my grasp And when as he heavd and wriggled to and fro in the agitation of
his strange pleasure it came into view it had something of the air of a round
fillet of the whitest veal and like its owner squab and short in proportion
to its breadth but when he felt my hand there he beggd I would go on briskly
with my jerking or he should never arrive at the last stage of pleasure
Resuming then the rod and the exercise of it I had fairly worn out three
bundles when after an increase of struggles and motion and a deep sigh or
two I saw him lie still and motionless and now he desird me to desist which
I instantly did and proceeding to untie him I could not but be amazed at his
passive fortitude on viewing the skin of his butcherd mangled posteriours
late so white smooth and polishd now all one side of them a confused cutwork
of weals livid flesh gashes and gore insomuch that when he stood up he could
scarce walk in short he was in sweetbriars
Then I plainly perceived on the cushion the marks of a plenteous effusion
and already had his sluggard member run up to its old nestlingplace and
enforced itself again as if ashamed to shew its head which nothing it seems
could raise but stripes inflicted on its opposite neighbours who were thus
constantly obliged to suffer for his caprice
My gentleman had now put on his clothes and recomposed himself when giving
me a kiss and placing me by him he sat himself down as gingerly as possible
with one side off the cushion which was too sore for him to bear resting any
part of his weight on
Here he thankd me for the extreme pleasure I had procured him and seeing
perhaps some marks in my countenance of terror and apprehension of retaliation
on my own skin for what I had been the instrument of his suffering in his he
assured me that he was ready to give up to me any engagement I might deem
myself under to stand him as he had done me but if that proceeded in my
consent to it he would consider the difference of my sex its greater delicacy
and incapacity to undergo pain Reheartend at which and piqud in honour as I
thought not to flinch so near the trial especially as I well knew Mrs Cole
was an eyewitness from her stand of espial to the whole of our transactions
I was now less afraid of my skin than of his not furnishing me with an
opportunity of signalizing my resolution
Consonant to this disposition was my answer but my courage was still more
in my head than in my heart and as cowards rush into the danger they fear in
order to be the sooner rid of the pain of that sensation I was entirely pleasd
with his hastening matters into execution
He had then little to do but to unloose the strings of my petticoats and
lift them together with my shift navelhigh where he just tuckd them up
loosely girt and might be slipt up higher at pleasure Then viewing me round
with great seeming delight he laid me at length on my face upon the bench and
when I expected he would tie me as I had done him and held out my hands not
without fear and a little trembling he told me he would by no means terrify me
unnecessarily with such a confinement for that though he meant to put my
constancy to some trial the standing it was to be completely voluntary on my
side and therefore I might be at full liberty to get up whenever I found the
pain too much for me You cannot imagine how much I thought myself bound by
being thus allowd to remain loose and how much spirit this confidence in me
gave me so that I was even from my heart careless how much my flesh might
suffer in honour of it
All my back parts naked half way up were now fully at his mercy and
first he stood at a convenient distance delighting himself with a gloating
survey of the attitude I lay in and of all the secret stores I thus exposd to
him in fair display Then springing eagerly towards me he coverd all those
naked parts with a fond profusion of kisses and now taking hold of the rod
rather wantond with me in gentle inflictions on those tender trembling masses
of my flesh behind than in any way hurt them till by degrees he began to
tingle them with smarter lashes so as to provoke a red colour into them which
I knew as well by the flagrant glow I felt there as by his telling me they
now emulated the native roses of my other cheeks When he had thus amusd
himself with admiring and toying with them he went on to strike harder and
more hard so that I needed all my patience not to cry out or complain at
least At last he twiggd me so smartly as to fetch blood in more than one
lash at sight of which he flung down the rod flew to me kissed away the
starting drops and sucking the wounds eased a good deal of my pain But now
raising me on my knees and making me kneel with them straddling wide that
tender part of me naturally the province of pleasure not of pain came in for
its share of suffering for now eyeing it wistfully he directed the rod so
that the sharp ends of the twigs lighted there so sensibly that I could not
help wincing and writhing my limbs with smart so that my contortions of body
must necessarily throw it into infinite variety of postures and points of view
fit to feast the luxury of the eye But still I bore every thing without crying
out when presently giving me another pause he rushd as it were on that part
whose lips and roundabout had felt this cruelty and by way of reparation
glews his own to them then he opened shut squeezd them pluckd softly the
overgrowing moss and all this in a style of wild passionate rapture and
enthusiasm that expressd excess of pleasure till betaking himself to the rod
again encouragd by my passiveness and infuriated with this strange taste of
delight he made my poor posteriours pay for the ungovernableness of it for now
shewing them no quarter the traitor cut me so that I wanted but little of
fainting away when he gave over And yet I did not utter one groan or angry
expostulation but in heart I resolvd nothing so seriously as never to expose
myself again to the like severities
You may guess then in what a curious pickle those soft fleshcushions of
mine were all sore raw and in fine terribly clawed off but so far from
feeling any pleasure in it that the recent smart made me pout a little and not
with the greatest air of satisfaction receive the compliments and
aftercaresses of the author of my pain
As soon as my cloaths were huddled on in a little decency a supper was
brought in by the discreet Mrs Cole herself which might have piqued the
sensuality of a cardinal accompanied with a choice of the richest wines all
which she set before us and went out again without having by a word or even
by a smile given us the least interruption or confusion in those moments of
secrecy that we were not yet ripe to the admission of a third to
I sat down then still scarce in charity with my butcher for such I could
not help considering him and was moreover not a little piqued at the gay
satisfied air of his countenance which I thought myself insulted by But when
the now necessary refreshment to me of a glass of wine a little eating all the
time observing a profound silence had somewhat cheerd and restord me to
spirits and as the smart began to go off my good humour returnd accordingly
which alteration not escaping him he said and did everything that could confirm
me in and indeed exalt it
But scarce was supper well over before a change so incredible was wrought
in me such violent yet pleasingly irksome sensations took possession of me
that I scarce knew how to contain myself the smart of the lashes was now
converted into such a prickly heat such fiery tinglings as made me sigh
squeeze my thighs together shift and wriggle about my seat with a furious
restlessness whilst these itching ardours thus excited in those parts on which
the storm of discipline had principally fallen detachd legions of burning
subtile stimulating spirits to their opposite spot and centre of assemblage
where their titillation ragd so furiously that I was even stinging mad with
them No wonder then that in such a taking and devourd by flames that licked
up all modesty and reserve my eyes now chargd brimful of the most intense
desire fired on my companion very intelligible signals of distress my
companion I say who grew in them every instant more amiable and more
necessary to my urgent wishes and hopes of immediate ease
Mr Barville no stranger by experience to these situations soon knew the
pass I was brought to soon perceivd my extreme disorder in favour of which
removing the table out of the way he began a prelude that flatterd me with
instant relief to which I was not however so near as I imagind for as he
was unbuttoned to me and tried to provoke and rouse to action his unactive
torpid machine he blushingly ownd that no good was to be expected from it
unless I took it in hand to reexcite its languid loitering powers by just
refreshing the smart of the yet recent bloodraw cuts seeing it could no more
than a boys top keep up without lashing Sensible then that I should work as
much for my own profit as his I hurried my compliance with his desire and
abridging the ceremonial whilst he leand his head against the back of a chair
I had scarce gently made him feel the lash before I saw the object of my wishes
give signs of life and presently as it were with a magic touch it started up
into a noble size and distinction indeed Hastening then to give me the benefit
of it he threw me down on the bench but such was the refreshd soreness of
those parts behind on my leaning so hard on them as became me to compass the
admission of that stupendous head of his machine that I could not possibly bear
it I got up then and tried by leaning forwards and turning the crupper on my
assailant to let him at the back avenue but here it was likewise impossible to
stand his bearing so fiercely against me in his agitations and endeavours to
enter that way whilst his belly battered directly against the recent sore What
should we do now both intolerably heated both in a fury but pleasure is ever
inventive for its own ends he strips me in a trice stark naked and placing a
broad setteecushion on the carpet before the fire oversets me gently
topsyturvy on it and handling me only at the waist whilst you may be sure I
favourd all my dispositions brought my legs round his neck so that my head
was kept from the floor only by my hands and the velvet cushion which was now
bespread with my flowing hair thus I stood on my head and hands supported by
him in such manner that whilst my thighs clung round him so as to expose to
his sight all my back figure including the theatre of his bloody pleasure the
centre of my fore part fairly bearded the object of its rage that now stood in
fine condition to give me satisfaction for the injuries of its neighbours But
as this posture was certainly not the easiest and our imaginations wound up to
the height could suffer no delay he first with the utmost eagerness and
effort just liplodgd that broad acornfashiond head of his instrument and
still frenzied by the fury with which he had made that impression he soon
stuffed in the rest when now with a pursuit of thrusts fiercely urgd he
absolutely overpowerd and absorbd all sense of pain and uneasiness whether
from my wounds behind my most untoward posture or the oversize of his
stretcher in an infinitely predominant delight when now all my whole spirits
of life and sensation rushing impetuously to the cockpit where the prize of
pleasure was hotly in dispute and clustering to a point there I soon receivd
the dear relief of nature from these overviolent strains and provocations of
it harmonizing with which my gallant spouted into me such a potent overflow of
the balsamic injection as softend and unedgd all those irritating stings of a
new species of titillation which I had been so intolerably maddend with and
restord the ferment of my senses to some degree of composure
I had now achievd this rare adventure ultimately much more to my
satisfaction than I had bespoken the nature of it to turn out nor was it much
lessend you may think by my sparks lavish praises of my constancy and
complaisance which he gave weight to by a present that greatly surpassed my
utmost expectation besides his gratification to Mrs Cole
I was not however at any time reenticed to renew with him or resort
again to the violent expedient of lashing nature into more haste than good
speed which by the way I conceive acts somewhat in the manner of a dose of
Spanish flies with more pain perhaps but less danger and might be necessary
to him but was nothing less so than to me whose appetite wanted the bridle
more than the spur
Mrs Cole to whom this adventurous exploit had more and more endeard me
looked on me now as a girl after her own heart afraid of nothing and on a
good account hardy enough to fight all the weapons of pleasure through
Attentive then in consequence of these favourable conceptions to promote
either my profit or pleasure she had special regard for the first in a new
gallant of a very singular turn that she procurd for and introduced to me
This was a grave staid solemn elderly gentleman whose peculiar humour was
a delight in combing fine tresses of hair and as I was perfectly headed to his
taste he usd to come constantly at my toilette hours when I let down my hair
as loose as nature and abandond it to him to do what he pleased with it and
accordingly he would keep me an hour or more in play with it drawing the comb
through it winding the curls round his fingers even kissing it as he smoothd
it and all this led to no other use of my person or any other liberties
whatever any more than if a distinction of sexes had not existed
Another peculiarity of taste he had which was to present me with a dozen
pairs of the whitest kid gloves at a time these he would divert himself with
drawing on me and then biting off the fingers ends all which fooleries of a
sickly appetite the old gentleman paid more liberally for than most others did
for more essential favours This lasted till a violent cough seizing and laying
him up deliverd me from this most innocent and insipid trifler for I never
heard more of him after his first retreat
You may be sure a byjob of this sort interferd with no other pursuit or
plan of life which I led in truth with a modesty and reserve that was less
the work of virtue than of exhausted novelty a glut of pleasure and easy
circumstances that made me indifferent to any engagements in which pleasure and
profit were not eminently united and such I could with the less impatience
wait for at the hands of time and fortune as I was satisfyd I could never mend
my pennyworths having evidently been servd at the top of market and even been
pamperd with dainties besides that in the sacrifice of a few momentary
impulses I found a secret satisfaction in respecting myself as well as
preserving the life and freshness of my complexion Louisa and Emily did not
carry indeed their reserve so high as I did but still they were far from cheap
or abandond tho two of their adventures seemd to contradict this general
character which for their singularity I shall give you in course beginning
first with Emilys
Louisa and she went one night to a ball the first in the habit of a
shepherdess Emily in that of a shepherd I saw them in their dresses before
they went and nothing in nature could represent a prettier boy than this last
did being so fair and well limbed They had kept together for some time when
Louisa meeting an old acquaintance of hers very cordially gives her companion
the drop and leaves her under the protection of her boys habit which was not
much and of her discretion which was it seems still less Emily finding
herself deserted sauntered thoughtless about awhile and as much for coolness
and air as anything else at length pulld off her mask and went to the
sideboard where eyed and markd out by a gentleman in a very handsome domino
she was accosted by and fell into chat with him The domino after a little
discourse in which Emily doubtless distinguishd her good nature and easiness
more than her wit began to make violent love to her and drawing her insensibly
to some benches at the lower end of the masquerade room for her to sit by him
where he squeezd her hands pinchd her cheeks praisd and played with her
fine hair admired her complexion and all in a style of courtship dashd with a
certain oddity that not comprehending the mystery of poor Emily attributed to
his falling in with the humour of her disguise and being naturally not the
cruellest of her profession began to incline to a parley on those essentials
But here was the stress of the joke he took her really for what she appeard to
be a smockfacd boy and she forgetting her dress and of course ranging
quite wide of his ideas took all those addresses to be paid to herself as a
woman which she precisely owed to his not thinking her one However this
double error was pushd to such a height on both sides that Emily who saw
nothing in him but a gentleman of distinction by those points of dress to which
his disguise did not extend warmed too by the wine he had plyd her with and
the caresses he had lavished upon her suffered herself to be persuaded to go to
a bagnio with him and thus losing sight of Mrs Coles cautions with a blind
confidence put herself into his hands to be carried wherever he pleased For
his part equally blinded by his wishes whilst her egregious simplicity
favoured his deception more than the most exquisite art could have done he
supposed no doubt that he had lighted on some soft simpleton fit for his
purpose or some kept minion broken to his hand who understood him perfectly
well and enterd into his designs But be that as it would he led her to a
coach went into it with her and brought her to a very handsome apartment with
a bed in it but whether it was a bagnio or not she could not tell having
spoken to nobody but himself But when they were alone together and her
enamorato began to proceed to those extremities which instantly discover the
sex she remarkd that no description could paint up to the life the mixture of
pique confusion and disappointment that appeared in his countenance joined to
the mournful exclamation »By heavens a woman« This at once opened her eyes
which had hitherto been shut in downright stupidity However as if he had meant
to retrieve that escape he still continud to toy with and fondle her but with
so staring an alteration from extreme warmth into a chill and forced civility
that even Emily herself could not but take notice of it and now began to wish
she had paid more regard to Mrs Coles premonitions against ever engaging with
a stranger And now an excess of timidity succeeded to an excess of confidence
and she thought herself so much at his mercy and discretion that she stood
passive throughout the whole progress of his prelude for now whether the
impressions of so great a beauty had even made him forgive her her sex or
whether her appearance of figure in that dress still humourd his first
illusion he recoverd by degrees a good part of his first warmth and keeping
Emily with her breeches still unbuttoned stript them down to her knees and
gently impelling her to lean down with her face against the bedside placed her
so that the double way between the double rising behind presented the choice
fair to him and he was so fairly set on a misdirection as to give the girl no
small alarms for fear of losing a maidenhead she had not dreamt of However her
complaints and a resistance gentle but firm checkd and brought him to
himself again so that turning his steeds head he drove him at length in the
right road in which his imagination having probably made the most of those
resemblances that flatterd his taste he got with much ado to his journeys
end after which he led her out himself and walking with her two or three
streets length got her a chair when making her a present not any thing
inferior to what she could have expected he left her well recommended to the
chairmen who on her directions brought her home
This she related to Mrs Cole and me the same morning not without the
visible remains of the fear and confusion she had been in still stampd on her
countenance Mrs Coles remark was that her indiscretion proceeding from a
constitutional facility there were little hopes of any thing curing her of it
but repeated severe experience Mine was that I could not conceive how it was
possible for mankind to run into a taste not only universally odious but
absurd and impossible to gratify since according to the notions and
experience I had of things it was not in nature to force such immense
disproportions Mrs Cole only smild at my ignorance and said nothing towards
my undeception which was not affected but by ocular demonstration some months
after which a most singular accident furnishd me and which I will here set
down that I may not return again to so disagreeable a subject
I had on a visit intended to Harriet who had taken lodgings at
Hamptoncourt hired a chariot to go out thither Mrs Cole having promisd to
accompany me but some indispensable business intervening to detain her I was
obliged to set out alone and scarce had I got a third of my way before the
axletree broke down and I was well off to get out safe and unhurt into a
publickhouse of a tolerable handsome appearance on the road Here the people
told me that the stage would come by in a couple of hours at farthest upon
which determining to wait for it sooner than lose the jaunt I had got so far
forward on I was carried into a very clean decent room up one pair of stairs
which I took possession of for the time I had to stay in right of calling for
sufficient to do the house justice
Here whilst I was amusing myself with looking out of the window a single
horsechaise stopt at the door out of which lightly leapd two gentlemen for
so they seemd who came in only as it were to bait and refresh a little for
they gave their horse to be held in readiness against they came out And
presently I heard the door of the next room where they were let in and calld
about them briskly and as soon as they were servd I could just hear that they
shut and fastened the door on the inside
A spirit of curiosity far from sudden since I do not know when I was
without it prompted me without any particular suspicion or other drift or
view to see what they were and examine their persons and behaviour The
partition of our rooms was one of those moveable ones that when taken down
servd occasionally to lay them into one for the conveniency of a large
company and now my nicest search could not shew me the shadow of a peephole
a circumstance which probably had not escapd the review of the parties on the
other side whom much it stood upon not to be deceived in it but at length I
observed a paper patch of the same colour as the wainscot which I took to
conceal some flaw but then it was so high that I was obliged to stand upon a
chair to reach it which I did as softly as possibly and with a point of a
bodkin soon piercd it And now applying my eye close I commanded the room
perfectly and could see my two young sparks romping and pulling one another
about entirely to my imagination in frolic and innocent play
The eldest might be on my nearest guess towards nineteen a tall comely
young man in a white fustian frock with a green velvet cape and a cut
bobwig
The youngest could not be above seventeen fair ruddy compleatly well
made and to say the truth a sweet pretty stripling he was I fancy too a
countrylad by his dress which was a green plush frock and breeches of the
same white waistcoat and stockings a jockey cap with his yellowish hair long
and loose in natural curls
But after a look of circumspection which I saw the eldest cast every way
round the room probably in too much hurry and heat not to overlook the very
small opening I was posted at especially at the height it was whilst my eye
close to it kept the light from shining through and betraying it he said
something to his companion that presently changd the face of things
For now the elder began to embrace to press and kiss the younger to put
his hands into his bosom and give him such manifest signs of an amorous
intention as made me conclude the other to be a girl in disguise a mistake
that nature kept me in countenance for for she had certainly made one when she
gave him the male stamp
In the rashness then of their age and bent as they were to accomplish their
project of preposterous pleasure at the risk of the very worst of consequences
where a discovery was nothing less than improbable they now proceeded to such
lengths as soon satisfied me what they were
The criminal scene they acted I had the patience to see to an end purely
that I might gather more facts and certainty against them in my design to do
their deserts instance justice and accordingly when they had readjusted
themselves and were preparing to go out burning as I was with rage and
indignation I jumped down from the chair in order to raise the house upon
them but with such an unlucky impetuosity that some nail or ruggedness in the
floor caught my foot and flung me on my face with such violence that I fell
senseless on the ground and must have lain there some time eer any one came to
my relief so that they alarmed I suppose by the noise of my fall had more
than the necessary time to make a safe retreat This they effected as I learnt
with a precipitation nobody could account for till when come to myself and
composd enough to speak I acquainted those of the house with the whole
transaction I had been evidence to
When I came home again and told Mrs Cole this adventure she very sensibly
observd to me that there was no doubt of due vengeance one time or other
overtaking these miscreants however they might escape for the present and
that had I been the temporal instrument of it I should have been at least put
to a great deal more trouble and confusion than I imagined that as to the
thing itself the less said of it was the better but that though she might be
suspected of partiality from its being the common cause of womankind out of
whose mouths this practice tended to take something more than bread yet she
protested against any mixture of passion with a declaration extorted from her
by pure regard to truth which was that whatever effect this infamous passion
had in other ages and other countries it seemd a peculiar blessing on our air
and climate that there was a plaguespot visibly imprinted on all that are
tainted with it in this nation at least for that among numbers of that stamp
whom she had known or at least were universally under the scandalous suspicion
of it she would not name an exception hardly of one of them whose character
was not in all other respects the most worthless and despicable that could be
stript of all the manly virtues of their own sex and filld up with only the
worst vices and follies of ours that in fine they were scarce less execrable
than ridiculous in their monstrous inconsistence of loathing and condemning
women and all at the same time apeing all their manners airs lips skuttle
and in general all their little modes of affectation which become them at
least better than they do these unsexd malemisses
But here washing my hands of them I replunge into the stream of my
history into which I may very properly ingraft a terrible sally of Louisas
since I had some share in it myself and have besides engagd myself to relate
it in point of countenance to poor Emily It will add too one more example to
thousands in confirmation of the maxim that when women get once out of compass
there are no lengths of licentiousness that they are not capable of running
One morning then that both Mrs Cole and Emily were gone out for the day
and only Louisa and I not to mention the housemaid were left in charge of the
house whilst we were loitering away the time in looking through the shop
windows the son of a poor woman who earned very hard bread indeed by mending
of stockings in a stall in the neighbourhood offerd us some nosegays ringd
round a small basket by selling of which the poor boy eked out his mothers
maintenance of them both nor was he fit for any other way of livelihood since
he was not only a perfect changeling or idiot but stammerd so that there was
no understanding even those sounds his halfdozen at most animal ideas
prompted him to utter
The boys and servants in the neighbourhood had given him the nickname of
Goodnatured Dick from the soft simpletons doing everything he was bid at the
first word and from his naturally having no turn to mischief then by the way
he was perfectly well made stout cleanlimbd tall of his age as strong as a
horse and withal pretty featurd so that he was not absolutely such a
figure to be snuffled at neither if your nicety could in favour of such
essentials have dispensd with a face unwashed hair tangled for want of
combing and so ragged a plight that he might have disputed points of shew with
eer a heathen philosopher of them all
This boy we had often seen and bought his flowers out of pure compassion
and nothing more but just at this time as he stood presenting us his basket a
sudden whim a start of wayward fancy seizd Louisa and without consulting
me she calls him in and beginning to examine his nosegays culls out two one
for herself another for me and pulling out half a crown very currently gives
it him to change as if she had really expected he could have changed it but
the boy scratching his head made his signs explaining his inability in place
of words which he could not with all his struggling articulate
Louisa at this says »Well my lad come upstairs with me and I will
give you your due« winking at the same time to me and beckoning me to
accompany her which I did securing first the streetdoor that by this means
together with the shop became wholly the care of the faithful housemaid
As we went up Louisa whispered to me that she had conceivd a strange
longing to be satisfyd whether the general rule held good with regard to this
changeling and how far nature had made him amends in her best bodily gifts
for her denial of the sublimer intellectual ones begging at the same time my
assistance in procuring her this satisfaction A want of complaisance was never
my vice and I was so far from opposing this extravagant frolic that now bit
with the same maggot and my curiosity conspiring with hers I enterd plum into
it on my own account
Consequently as soon as we came into Louisas bedchamber whilst she was
amusing him with picking out his nosegays I undertook the lead and began the
attack As it was not then very material to keep much measures with a mere
natural I made presently very free with him though at my first motion of
meddling his surprize and confusion made him receive my advances but aukwardly
nay insomuch that he bashfully shyd and shyd back a little till encouraging
him with my eyes plucking him playfully by the hair sleeking his cheeks and
forwarding my point by a number of little wantonness I soon turnd him
familiar and gave nature her sweetest alarm so that arousd and beginning to
feel himself we could amidst all the innocent laugh and grin I had provoked
him into perceive the fire lighting in his eyes and diffusing over his
cheeks blend its glow with that of his blushes The emotion in short of animal
pleasure glard distinctly in the simpletons countenance yet struck with the
novelty of the scene he did not know which way to look or move but tame
passive simpering with his mouth half open in stupid rapture stood and
tractably sufferd me to do what I pleased with him His basket was dropt out of
his hands which Louisa took care of
I had now through more than one rent discovered and felt his thighs the
skin of which seemed the smoother and fairer for the coarseness and even dirt
of his dress as the teeth of Negroes seem the whiter for the surrounding black
and poor indeed of habit poor of understanding he was however abundantly
rich in personal treasures such as flesh firm plump and replete with the
juices of youth and robust wellknit limbs My fingers too had now got within
reach of the true the genuine sensitive plant which instead of shrinking from
the touch joys to meet it and swells and vegetates under it mine pleasingly
informed me that matters were so ripe for the discovery we meditated that they
were too mighty for the confinement they were ready to break A waistband that I
unskewerd and a rag of a shirt that I removed and which could not have
coverd a quarter of it revealed the whole of the idiots standard of
distinction erect in full pride and display but such a one it was positively
of so tremendous a size that prepared as we were to see something
extraordinary it still out of measure surpassd our expectation and
astonishd even me who had not been used to trade in trifles In fine it might
have answered very well the making a show of its enormous head seemed in hue
and size not unlike a common sheeps heart then you might have trolld dice
securely along the broad back of the body of it the length of it too was
prodigious then the rich appendage of the treasurebag beneath large in
proportion gatherd and crispd up round in shallow furrows helped to fill the
eye and complete the proof of his being a natural not quite in vain since it
was full manifest that he inherited and largely too the prerogative of majesty
which distinguishes that otherwise most unfortunate condition and gives rise to
the vulgar saying »A fools bauble is a ladys playfellow« Not wholly without
reason for generally speaking it is in love as it is in war where longest
weapon carries it Nature in short had done so much for him in those parts
that she perhaps held herself acquitted in doing so little for his head
For my part who had sincerely no intention to push the joke further than
simply satisfying my curiosity with the sight of it alone I was content in
spite of the temptation that stard me in the face with having raisd a Maypole
for another to hang a garland on for by this time easily reading Louisas
desires in her wishful eyes I acted the commodious part and made her who
sought no better sport significant terms of encouragement to go throughstitch
with her adventure intimating too that I would stay and see fair play in
which indeed I had in view to humour a newborn curiosity to observe what
appearances active nature would put on in a natural in the course of this her
darling operation
Louisa whose appetite was up and who like the industrious bee was it
seems not above gathering the sweets of so rare a flower tho she found it
planted on a dunghill was but too readily disposed to take the benefit of my
cession Urgd then strongly by her own desires and emboldend by me she
presently determined to risk a trial of parts with the idiot who was by this
time nobly inflamd for her purpose by all the irritations we had used to put
the principles of pleasure effectually into motion and to wind up the springs
of its organ to their supreme pitch and it stood accordingly stiff and
straining ready to burst with the blood and spirits that swelled it to a
bulk No I shall never forget it
Louisa then taking and holding the fine handle that so invitingly offerd
itself led the ductile youth by that mastertool of his as she stept backward
towards the bed which he joyfully gave way to under the incitations of
instinct and palpably deliverd up to the goad of desire
Stopped then by the bed she took the fall she lovd and leand to the
most gently backward upon it still holding fast what she held and taking care
to give her cloaths a convenient toss up so that her thighs duly disclosd and
elevated laid open all the outward prospect of the treasury of love the
roselipt overture presenting the cockpit so fair that it was not in nature
even for a natural to miss it Nor did he for Louisa fully bent on grappling
with it and impatient of dalliance or delay directed faithfully the point of
the batteringpiece and bounded up with a rage of so voracious appetite to
meet and favour the thrust of insertion that the fierce activity on both sides
effected it with such pain of distention that Louisa cryd out violently that
she was hurt beyond bearing that she was killed But it was too late the storm
was up and force was on her to give way to it for now the manmachine
strongly workd upon by the sensual passion felt so manfully his advantages and
superiority felt withal the sting of pleasure so intolerable that maddening
with it his joys began to assume a character of furiousness which made me
tremble for the too tender Louisa He seemed at this juncture greater than
himself his countenance before so void of meaning or expression now grew big
with the importance of the act he was upon In short it was not now that he was
to be playd the fool with But what is pleasant enough I myself was awd into
a sort of respect for him by the comely terrors his motions dressed him in his
eyes shooting sparks of fire his face glowing with ardours that gave another
life to it his teeth churning his whole frame agitated with a raging
ungovernable impetuosity all sensibly betraying the formidable fierceness with
which the genial instinct acted upon him Butting then and goring all before
him and mad and wild like an overdriven steer he ploughs up the tender
furrow all insensible to Louisas complaints nothing can stop nothing can
keep out a fury like his with which having once got its head in its blind
rage soon made way for the rest piercing rending and breaking open all
obstructions The torn split wounded girl cries struggles invokes me to her
rescue and endeavours to get from under the young savage or shake him off but
alas in vain her breath might as soon have stilld or stemmd a storm in
winter as all her strength have quelld his rough assault or put him out of
his course And indeed all her efforts and struggles were managd with such
disorder that they servd rather to entangle and fold her the faster in the
twine of his boisterous arms so that she was tied to the stake and obligd to
fight the match out if she died for it For his part instinctridden as he
was the expressions of his animal passion partaking something of ferocity
were rather worrying than kisses intermixd with eager ravenous lovebites on
her cheeks and neck the prints of which did not wear out for some days after
Poor Louisa however bore up at length better than could have been
expected and though she sufferd and greatly too yet ever true to the good
old cause she sufferd with pleasure and enjoyed her pain And soon now by
dint of an enragd enforcement the brutemachine driven like a whirlwind
made all smoke again and wedging its way up to the utmost extremity left her
in point of penetration nothing to fear or to desire and now
»Gorgd with the dearest morsel of the earth«
Shakespeare
Louisa lay pleasd to the heart pleasd to her utmost capacity of being so
with every fibre in those parts stretched almost to breaking on a rack of joy
whilst the instrument of all this overfulness searched her senses with its sweet
excess till the pleasure gained upon her so its point stung her so home that
catching at length the rage from her furious driver and sharing the riot of his
wild rapture she went wholly out of her mind into that favourite part of her
body the whole intenseness of which was so fervously filld and employd
there alone she existed all lost in those delirious transports those extasies
of the senses which her winking eyes the brightend vermilion of her lips and
cheeks and sighs of pleasure deeply fetched so pathetically expressd In
short she was now as mere a machine as much wrought on and had her motions as
little at her own command as the natural himself who thus broke in upon her
made her feel with a vengeance his tempestuous tenderness and the force of the
mettle he battered with their active loins quivered again with the violence of
their conflict till the surge of pleasure foaming and raging to a height drew
down the pearly shower that was to allay this hurricane The purely sensitive
idiot then first shed those tears of joy that attend its last moments not
without an agony of delight and even almost a roar of rapture as the gush
escaped him so sensibly too for Louisa that she kept him faithful company
going off in consent with the old symptoms a delicious delirium a tremulous
convulsive shudder and the critical dying Oh And now on his getting off she
lay pleasuredrenchd and regorging its essential sweets but quite spent and
gasping for breath without other sensation of life than in those exquisite
vibrations that trembled yet on the strings of delight which had been too
intensively touched and which nature had been so intensly stirred with for the
senses to be quickly at peace from
As for the changeling whose curious engine had been thus successfully
played off his shift of countenance and gesture had even something droll or
rather tragicomic in it there was now an air of sad repining foolishness
superadded to his natural one of nomeaning and idiotism as he stood with his
label of manhood now lank unstiffend becalmd and flapping against his
thighs down which it reachd halfway terrible even in its fall whilst under
the dejection of spirit and flesh which naturally followed his eyes by turns
cast down towards his struck standard or piteously lifted to Louisa seemed to
require at her hands what he had so sensibly parted from to her and now
ruefully missd But the vigour of nature soon returning dissipated the blast
of faintness which the common law of enjoyment had subjected him to and now his
basket rebecame his main concern which I lookd for and brought him whilst
Louisa restord his dress to its usual condition and afterwards pleased him
perhaps more by taking all his flowers off his hands and paying him at his
rate for them than if she had embarrassd him by a present that he would have
been puzzled to account for and might have put others on tracing the motives
of
Whether she ever returnd to the attack I know not and to say the truth I
believe not She had had her freak out and had pretty plentifully drownd her
curiosity in a glut of pleasure which as it happened had no other consequence
than that the lad who retaind only a confused memory of the transaction
would when he saw her for some time after express a grin of joy and
familiarity after his idiot manner and soon forgot her in favour of the next
woman tempted on the report of his parts to take him in
Louisa herself did not long outstay this adventure at Mrs Coles to whom
bythebye we took care not to boast of our exploit till all fear of
consequences were clearly over for an occasion presenting itself of proving
her passion for a young fellow at the expense of her discretion proceeding all
in character she packd up her toilet at half a days warning and went with him
abroad since which I entirely lost sight of her and it never fell in my way to
hear what became of her
But a few days after she had left us two very pretty young gentlemen who
were Mrs Coles especial favourites and free of her academy easily obtaind
her consent for Emilys and my acceptance of a party of pleasure at a little
but agreeable house belonging to one of them situated not far up the river
Thames on the Surry side
Everything being settled and it being a fine summerday but rather of the
warmest we set out after dinner and got to our rendezvous about four in the
afternoon where landing at the foot of a neat joyous pavilion Emily and I
were handed into it by our squires and there drank tea with a cheerfulness and
gaiety that the beauty of the prospect the serenity of the weather and the
tender politeness of our sprightly gallants naturally led us into
After tea and taking a turn in the garden my particular who was the
master of the house and had in no sense schemd this party of pleasure for a
dry one proposd to us with that frankness which his familiarity at Mrs
Coles entitled him to as the weather was excessively hot to bathe together
under a commodious shelter that he had prepared expressly for that purpose in a
creek of the river with which a sidedoor of the pavilion immediately
communicated and where we might be sure of having our diversion out safe from
interruption and with the utmost privacy
Emily who never refusd anything and I who ever delighted in bathing and
had no exception to the person who proposd it or to those pleasures it was
easy to guess it implied took care on this occasion not to wrong our training
at Mrs Coles and agreed to it with as good a grace as we could Upon which
without loss of time we returnd instantly to the pavilion one door of which
opend into a tent pitchd before it that with its marquise formed a pleasing
defense against the sun or the weather and was besides as private as we could
wish The lining of it imbossed cloth represented a wild forestfoliage from
the top down to the sides which in the same stuff were figurd with fluted
pilasters with their spaces between filld with flowervases the whole having
a gay effect upon the eye wherever you turnd it
Then it reached sufficiently into the water yet containd convenient
benches round it on the dry ground either to keep our cloaths or or
in short for more uses than resting upon There was a sidetable too loaded
with sweetmeats jellies and other eatables and bottles of wine and cordials
by way of occasional relief from any rawness or chill of the water or from any
faintness from whatever cause and in fact my gallant who understood chère
entiêre perfectly and who for taste even if you would not approve this
specimen of it might have been comptroller of pleasures to a Roman emperor had
left no requisite towards convenience or luxury unprovided
As soon as we had lookd round this inviting spot and every preliminary of
privacy was duly settled strip was the word when the young gentlemen soon
dispatchd the undressing each his partner and reduced us to the naked
confession of all those secrets of person which dress generally hides and which
the discovery of was naturally speaking not to our disadvantage Our hands
indeed mechanically carried towards the most interesting part of us screened
at first all from the tufted cliff downwards till we took them away at their
desire and employed them in doing them the same office of helping off with
their cloaths in the process of which there passd all the little wantonnesses
and frolicks that you may easily imagine
As for my spark he was presently undressed all to his shirt the
forelappet of which as he leand languishingly on me he smilingly pointed to
me to observe as it bellied out or rose and fell according to the unruly
starts of the motion behind it but it was soon fixd for now taking off his
shirt and naked as a Cupid he shewd it me at so upright a stand as prepard
me indeed for his application to me for instant ease but tho the sight of its
fine size was fit enough to fire me the cooling air as I stood in this state
of nature joined to the desire I had of bathing first enabled me to put him
off and tranquillize him with the remark that a little suspense would only set
a keener edge on the pleasure Leading then the way and shewing our friends an
example of continency which they were giving signs of losing respect to we
went hand in hand into the stream till it took us up to our neck where the no
more than grateful coolness of the water gave my senses a delicious refreshment
from the sultriness of the season and made more alive more happy in myself
and in course more alert and open to voluptuous impressions
Here I lavd and wantond with the water or sportively playd with my
companion leaving Emily to deal with hers at discretion Mine at length not
content with making me take the plunge over head and ears kept splashing me
and provoking me with all the little playful tricks he could devise and which I
strove not to remain in his debt for We gave in short a loose to mirth and
now nothing would serve him but giving his hands the regale of going over every
part of me neck breast belly thighs and all the et coetera so dear to the
imagination under the pretext of washing and rubbing them as we both stood in
the water no higher now than the pit of our stomachs and which did not hinder
him from feeling and toying with that leak that distinguishes our sex and it
so wonderfully watertight for his fingers in vain dilating and opening it
only let more flame than water into it be it said without a figure At the same
time he made me feel his own engine which was so well wound up as to stand
even the working in water and he accordingly threw one arm round my neck and
was endeavouring to get the better of that harsher construction bred by the
surrounding fluid and had in effect won his way so far as to make me sensible
of the pleasing stretch of those netherlips from the indriving machine when
independent of my not liking that aukward mode of enjoyment I could not help
interrupting him in order to become joint spectators of a plan of joy in hot
operation between Emily and her partner who impatient of the fooleries and
dalliance of the bath had led his nymph to one of the benches on the green
bank where he was very cordially proceeding to teach her the difference betwixt
jest and earnest
There setting her on his knee and gliding one hand over the surface of
that smooth polishd snowwhite skin of hers which now doubly shone with a
dewbright lustre and presented to the touch something like what one would
imagine of animated ivory especially in those rubynippled globes which the
touch is so fond of and delights to make love to with the other he was
lusciously exploring the sweet secret of nature in order to make room for a
stately piece of machinery that stood upreard between her thighs as she
continued sitting on his lap and pressed hard for instant admission which the
tender Emily in a fit of humour deliciously protracted affecting to decline
and elude the very pleasure she sighd for but in a style of waywardness so
prettily put on and managed as to render it ten times more poignant then her
eyes all amidst the softest dying languishment expressd at once a mock denial
and extreme desire whilst her sweetness was zested with a coyness so pleasingly
provoking her moods of keeping him off were so attractive that they redoubled
the impetuous rage with which he coverd her with kisses and kisses that
whilst she seemed to shy from or scuffle for the cunning wanton contrived such
sly returns of as were doubtless the sweeter for the gust she gave them of
being stolen ravished
Thus Emily who knew no art but that which nature itself in favour of her
principal end pleasure had inspird her with the art of yielding coyd it
indeed but coyd it to the purpose for with all her straining her wrestling
and striving to break from the clasp of his arms she was so far wiser yet than
to mean it that in her struggles it was visible she aimd at nothing more than
multiplying points of touch with him and drawing yet closer the folds that held
them every where entwined like two tendrils of a vine intercurling together so
that the same effect as when Louisa strove in good earnest to disengage from
the idiot was now produced by different motives
Mean while their emersion out of the cold water had caused a general glow
a tender suffusion of heightend carnation over their bodies both equally white
and smoothskinned so that as their limbs were thus amorously interwoven in
sweet confusion it was scarce possible to distinguish who they respectively
belonged to but for the brawnier bolder muscles of the stronger sex
In a little time however the champion was fairly in with her and had tied
at all points the true lovers knot when now adieu all the little refinements
of a finessed reluctance adieu the friendly feint She was presently driven
forcibly out of the power of using any art and indeed what art must not give
way when nature corresponding with her assailant invaded in the heart of her
capital and carried by storm lay at the mercy of the proud conqueror who had
made his entry triumphantly and completely Soon however to become a
tributary for the engagement growing hotter and hotter at close quarters she
presently brought him to the pass of paying down the dear debt to nature which
she had no sooner collected in but like a duellist who has laid his antagonist
at his feet when he has himself received a mortal wound Emily had scarce time
to plume herself upon her victory but shot with the same discharge she in a
loud expiring sigh in the closure of her eyes the stretchout of her limbs
and a remission of her whole frame gave manifest signs that all was as it
should be
For my part who had not with the calmest patience stood in the water all
this time to view this warm action I leand tenderly on my gallant and at the
close of it seemedd to ask him with my eyes what he thought of it but he
more eager to satisfy me by his actions than by words or looks as we shoald
the water towards the shore shewed me the staff of love so intensely set up
that had not even charity beginning at home in this case urged me to our mutual
relief it would have been cruel indeed to have suffered the youth to burst with
straining when the remedy was so obvious and so near at hand
Accordingly we took to a bench whilst Emily and her spark who belonged it
seems to the sea stood at the sideboard drinking to our good voyage for as
the last observd we were well under weigh with a fair wind up channel and
fullfreighted nor indeed were we long before we finished our trip to Cythera
and unloaded in the old haven but as the circumstances did not admit of much
variation I shall spare you the description
At the same time allow me to place you here an excuse I am conscious of
owing you for having perhaps too much affected the figurative style though
surely it can pass nowhere more allowably than in a subject which is so
properly the province of poetry nay is poetry itself pregnant with every
flower of imagination and loving metaphors even were not the natural
expressions for respects of fashion and sound necessarily forbid it
Resuming now my history you may please to know that what with a competent
number of repetitions all in the same strain and bythebye we have a
certain natural sense that those repetitions are very much to the taste what
with a circle of pleasures delicately varied there was not a moment lost to joy
all the time we staid there till late in the night we were reescorted home by
our squires who delivered us safe to Mrs Cole with generous thanks for our
company
This too was Emilys last adventure in our way for scarce a week after she
was by an accident too trivial to detail to you the particulars found out by
her parents who were in good circumstances and who had been punishd for their
partiality to their son in the loss of him occasiond by a circumstance of
their overindulgence to his appetite upon which the so long engrossd stream
of fondness running violently in favour of this lost and inhumanly abandond
child whom if they had not neglected enquiry about they might long before have
recovered They were now so overjoyed at the retrieval of her that I presume
it made them much less strict in examining the bottom of things for they seemd
very glad to take for granted in the lump everything that the grave and decent
Mrs Cole was pleased to pass upon them and soon afterwards sent her from the
country a handsome acknowledgement
But it was not so easy to replace to our community the loss of so sweet a
member of it for not to mention her beauty she was one of those mild pliant
characters that if one does not entirely esteem one can scarce help loving
which is not such a bad compensation neither Owing all her weakness to
goodnature and an indolent facility that kept her too much at the mercy of
first impressions she had just sense enough to know that she wanted
leadingstrings and thought herself so much obliged to any who would take the
pains to think for her and guide her that with a very little management she
was capable of being made a most agreeable nay a most virtuous wife for vice
it is probable had never been her choice or her fate if it had not been for
occasion or example or had she not depended less upon herself than upon her
circumstances This presumption her conduct afterwards verified for presently
meeting with a match that was ready cut and dry for her with a neighbours son
of her own rank and a young man of sense and order who took her as the widow
of one lost at sea for so it seems one of her gallants whose name she had made
free with really was she naturally struck into all the duties of their
domestic life with as much simplicity of affection with as much constancy and
regularity as if she had never swervd from a state of undebauchd innocence
from her youth
These desertions had however now so far thinned Mrs Coles brood that she
was left with only me like a hen with one chicken but tho she was earnestly
entreated and encouragd to recruit her corps her growing infirmities and
above all the tortures of a stubborn hipgout which she found would yield to
no remedy determind her to break up her business and retire with a decent
pittance into the country where I promisd myself nothing so sure as my going
down to live with her as soon as I had seen a little more of life and improvd
my small matters into a competency that would create in me an independence on
the world for I was now thanks to Mrs Cole wise enough to keep that
essential in view
Thus was I then to lose my faithful preceptress as did the Philosophers of
the town the White Crow of her profession For besides that she never ransacked
her customers whose taste too she ever studiously consulted besides that she
never racked her pupils with unconscionable extortions nor ever put their hard
earnings as she calld them under the contribution of poundage She was a
severe enemy to the seduction for innocence and confind her acquisitions
solely to those unfortunate young women who having lost it were but the
juster objects of compassion among these indeed she pickd but such as suited
her views and taking them under her protection rescud them from the danger of
the publick sinks of ruin and misery to place or do for them well or ill in
the manner you have seen Having then settled her affairs she set out on her
journey after taking the most tender leave of me and at the end of some
excellent instructions recommending me to myself with an anxiety perfectly
maternal In short she affected me so much that I was not presently reconcild
to myself for suffering her at any rate to go without me but fate had it
seems otherwise disposd of me
I had on my separation from Mrs Cole taken a pleasant convenient house at
Marybone but easy to rent and manage from its smallness which I furnishd
neatly and modestly There with a reserve of eight hundred pounds the fruit of
my deference to Mrs Coles counsels exclusive of cloaths some jewels some
plate I saw myself in purse for a long time to wait without impatience for
what the chapter of accidents might produce in my favour
Here under the new character of a young gentlewoman whose husband was gone
to sea I had markd me out such lines of life and conduct as leaving me at a
competent liberty to pursue my views either out of pleasure or fortune bounded
me nevertheless strictly within the rules of decency and discretion a
disposition in which you cannot escape observing a true pupil of Mrs Cole
I was scarce however well warm in my new abode when going out one morning
pretty early to enjoy the freshness of it in the pleasing outlet of the fields
accompanied only by a maid whom I had newly hired as we were carelessly
walking among the trees we were alarmed with the noise of a violent coughing
turning our heads towards which we distinguishd a plain welldressed elderly
gentleman who attackd with a sudden fit was so much overcome as to be forcd
to give way to it and sit down at the foot of a tree where he seemed
suffocating with the severity of it being perfectly black in the face not less
movd than frightend with which I flew on the instant to his relief and using
the rote of practice I had observd on the like occasion I loosened his cravat
and clapped him on the back but whether to any purpose or whether the cough
had had its course I know not but the fit immediately went off and now
recoverd to his speech and legs he returned me thanks with as much emphasis as
if I had savd his life This naturally engaging a conversation he acquainted
me where he lived which was at a considerable distance from where I met with
him and where he had strayd insensibly on the same intention of a morning
walk
He was as I afterwards learnd in the course of the intimacy which this
little accident gave birth to an old bachelor turnd of sixty but of a fresh
vigorous complexion insomuch that he scarce marked five and forty having never
rackd his constitution by permitting his desires to overtax his ability
As to his birth and condition his parents honest and faild mechanicks
had by the best traces he could get of them left him an infant orphan on the
parish so that it was from a charityschool that by honesty and industry he
made his way into a merchants countinghouse from whence being sent to a
house in CADIZ he there by his talents and activity acquired a fortune but
an immense one with which he returned to his native country where he could
not however so much as fish out one single relation out of the obscurity he
was born in Taking then a taste for retirement and pleasd to enjoy life like
a mistress in the dark he flowed his days in all the ease of opulence without
the least parade of it and rather studying the concealment than the shew of a
fortune looked down on a world he perfectly knew himself to his wish unknown
and unmarked by
But as I propose to devote a letter entirely to the pleasure of retracing
to you all the particulars of my acquaintance with this ever to me memorable
friend I shall in this transiently touch on no more than may serve as mortar
to cement to form the connection of my history and to obviate your surprize
that one of my high blood and relish of life should count a gallant of
threescore such a catch
Referring then to a more explicit narrative to explain by what progressions
our acquaintance certainly innocent at first insensibly changed nature and
ran into unplatonic lengths as might well be expected from one of my condition
of life and above all from that principle of electricity that scarce ever
fails of producing fire when the sexes meet I shall only here acquaint you
that as age had not subdued his tenderness for our sex neither had it robbed
him of the power of pleasing since whatever he wanted in the bewitching charms
of youth he atond for or supplemented with the advantages of experience the
sweetness of his manners and above all his flattering address in touching the
heart by an application to the understanding From him it was I first learnd
to any purpose and not without infinite pleasure that I had such a portion of
me worth bestowing some regard on from him I received my first essential
encouragement and instructions how to put it in that train of cultivation
which I have since pushed to the little degree of improvement you see it at he
it was who first taught me to be sensible that the pleasures of the mind were
superior to those of the body at the same time that they were so far from
obnoxious to or incompatible with each other that besides the sweetness in
the variety and transition the one servd to exalt and perfect the taste of the
other to a degree that the senses alone can never arrive at
Himself a rational pleasurist as being much too wise to be ashamd of the
pleasures of humanity loved me indeed but loved me with dignity in a mean
equally removd from the sourness of forwardness by which age is unpleasingly
characterizd and from that childish silly dotage that so often disgraces it
and which he himself used to turn into ridicule and compare to an old goat
affecting the frisk of a young kid
In short everything that is generally unamiable in his season of life was
in him repaird by so many advantages that he existed a proof manifest at
least to me that it is not out of the power of age to please if it lays out to
please and if making just allowances those in that class do not forget that
it must cost them more pains and attention than what youth the natural
springtime of joy stands in need of as fruits out of season require
proportionably more skill and cultivation to force them
With this gentleman then who took me home soon after our acquaintance
commencd I lived near eight months in which time my constant complaisance
and docility my attention to deserve his confidence and love and a conduct in
general devoid of the least art and founded on my sincere regard and esteem for
him won and attachd him so firmly to me that after having generously trusted
me with a genteel independent settlement proceeding to heap marks of affection
on me he appointed me by an authentick will his sole heiress and executrix a
disposition which he did not outlive two months being taken from me by a
violent cold that he contracted as he unadvisedly ran to the window on an alarm
of fire at some streets distance and stood there nakedbreasted and exposed
to the fatal impressions of a damp nightair
After acquitting myself of my duty towards my deceasd benefactor and
paying him a tribute of unfeignd sorrow which a little time changd into a
most tender grateful memory of him that I shall ever retain I grew somewhat
comforted by the prospect that now opend to me if not of happiness at least of
affluence and independence
I saw myself then in the full bloom and pride of youth for I was not yet
nineteen actually at the head of so large a fortune as it would have been even
the height of impudence in me to have raised my wishes much more my hopes to
and that this unexpected elevation did not turn my head I owd to the pains my
benefactor had taken to form and prepare me for it as I owd his opinion of my
management of the vast possessions he left me to what he had observd of the
prudential economy I had learned under Mrs Cole of which the reserve he saw I
had made was a proof and encouragement to him
But alas how easily is the enjoyment of the greatest sweets in life in
present possession poisoned by the regret of an absent one but my regret was a
mighty and just one since it had my only truly beloved Charles for its object
Given him up I had indeed compleatly having never once heard from him
since our separation which as I found afterwards had been my misfortune and
not his neglect for he wrote me several letters which had all miscarried but
forgotten him I never had Amidst all my personal infidelities not one had made
a pins point impression on a heart impenetrable to the true lovepassion but
for him
As soon however as I was mistress of this unexpected fortune I felt more
than ever how dear he was to me from its insufficiency to make me happy whilst
he was not to share it with me My earliest care consequently was to endeavour
at getting some account of him but all my researches producd me no more light
than that his father had been dead for some time not so well as even with the
world and that Charles had reached his port of destination in the SouthSeas
where finding the estate he was sent to recover dwindled to a trifle by the
loss of two ships in which the bulk of his uncles fortune lay he was come away
with the small remainder and might perhaps according to the best advice in a
few months return to England from whence he had at the time of this my
inquiry been absent two years and seven months A little eternity in love
You cannot conceive with what joy I embraced the hopes thus given me of
seeing the delight of my heart again But as the term of months was assigned
it in order to divert and amuse my impatience for his return after settling my
affairs with much ease and security I set out on a journey for Lancashire with
an equipage suitable to my fortune and with a design purely to revisit my place
of nativity for which I could not help retaining a great tenderness and might
naturally not be sorry to shew myself there to the advantage I was now in pass
to do after the report Esther Davis had spread of my being spirited away to the
plantations for on no other supposition could she account for the suppression
of myself to her since her leaving me so abruptly at the inn Another favourite
intention I had to look out for my relations though I had none besides distant
ones and prove a benefactress to them Then Mrs Coles place of retirement
lying in my way was not amongst the least of the pleasures I had proposed to
myself in this expedition
I had taken nobody with me but a discreet decent woman to figure it as my
companion besides my servants and was scarce got into an inn about twenty
miles from London where I was to sup and pass the night when such a storm of
wind and rain sprang up as made me congratulate myself on having got under
shelter before it began
This had continud a good half hour when bethinking me of some directions
to be given to the coachman I sent for him and not caring that his shoes
should soil the very clean parlour in which the cloth was laid I stept into
the hallkitchen where he was and where whilst I was talking to him I
slantingly observd two horsemen driven in by the weather and both wringing
wet one of whom was asking if they could not be assisted with a change while
their clothes were dried But heavens who can express what I felt at the sound
of a voice ever present to my heart and that is now rebounded at or when
pointing my eyes towards the person it came from they confirmd its
information in spite of so long an absence and of a dress one would have
imagind studied for a disguise a horsemans great coat with a standup cape
and his hat flappd but what could escape the piercing alertness of a sense
surely guided by love A transport then like mine was above all consideration
or schemes of surprize and I that instant with the rapidity of the emotions
that I felt the spur of shot into his arms crying out as I threw mine round
his neck »My life my soul my Charles « and without further power
of speech swoond away under the pressing agitations of joy and surprize
Recoverd out of my entrancement I found myself in my charmers arms but
in the parlour surrounded by a croud which this event had gatherd round us
and which immediately on a signal from the discreet landlady who currently
took him for my husband cleard the room and desirably left us alone to the
raptures of this reunion my joy at which had like to have provd at the
expense of my life power superior to that of grief at our fatal separation
The first object then that my eyes opend on was their supreme idol and
my supreme wish Charles on one knee holding me fast by the hand and gazing on
me with a transport of fondness Observing my recovery he attempted to speak
and give vent to his patience of hearing my voice again to satisfy him once
more that it was me but the mightiness and suddenness of the surprize
continuing to stun him choked his utterance he could only stammer out a few
broken half formed faltering accents which my ears greedily drinking in
spelt and put together so as to make out their sense »After so long so
cruel an absence my dearest Fanny can it can it be you «
stifling me at the same time with kisses that stopping my mouth at once
prevented the answer that he panted for and increasd the delicious disorder in
which all my senses were rapturously lost Amidst however this croud of ideas
and all blissful ones there obtruded only one cruel doubt that poisond nearly
all the transcendent happiness and what was it but my dread of its being too
excessive to be real I trembled now with the fear of its being no more than a
dream and of my waking out of it into the horrors of finding it one Under this
fond apprehension imagining I could not make too much of the present prodigious
joy before it should vanish and leave me in the desert again nor verify its
reality too strongly I clung to him I claspd him as if to hinder him from
escaping me again »Where have you been how could you could you leave
me Say you are still mine that you still love me and thus thus«
kissing him as if I would consolidate lips with him »I forgive you
forgive my hard fortune in favour of this restoration«
All these interjections breaking from me in that wildness of expression
that justly passes for eloquence in love drew from him all the returns my fond
heart could wish or require Our caresses our questions our answers for some
time observd no order all crossing or interrupting one another in sweet
confusion whilst we exchangd hearts at our eyes and renewd the ratifications
of a love unbated by time or absence not a breath not a motion not a gesture
on either side but what was strongly impressed with it Our hands lockd in
each other repeated the most passionate squeezes so that their fiery thrill
went to the heart again
Thus absorbed and concentred in this unutterable delight I had not
attended to the sweet author of it being thoroughly wet and in danger of
catching cold when in good time the landlady whom the appearance of my
equipage which bythebye Charles knew nothing of had gaind me an interest
in for me and mine interrupted us by bringing in a decent shift of linen and
cloaths which now somewhat recoverd into a calmer composure by the coming in
of a third person I prest him to take the benefit of with a tender concern and
anxiety that made me tremble for his health
The landlady leaving us again he proceeded to shift in the act of which
tho he proceeded with all that modesty which became these first solemner
instants of our remeeting after so long an absence I could not contain certain
snatches of my eyes lured by the dazzling discoveries of his naked skin that
escaped him as he changd his linen and which I could not observe the unfaded
life and complexion of without emotions of tenderness and joy that had himself
too purely for their object to partake of a loose or mistimd desire
He was soon drest in these temporary cloaths which neither fitted him nor
became the light my passion placd him in to me at least yet as they were on
him they lookd extremely well in virtue of that magic charm which love put
into everything that he touchd or had relation to him and where indeed was
that dress that a figure like this would not give grace to For now as I eyd
him more in detail I could not but observe the even favourable alteration which
the time of his absence had produced in his person
There were still the requisite lineaments still the same vivid vermilion
and bloom reigning in his face but now the roses were more fully blown the tan
of his travels and a beard somewhat more distinguishable had at the expense
of no more delicacy than what he could well spare given it an air of becoming
manliness and maturity that symmetrizd nobly with that air of distinction and
empire with which nature had stampd it in a rare mixture with the sweetness of
it still nothing had he lost of that smooth plumpness of flesh which glowing
with freshness blooms florid to the eye and delicious to the touch then his
shoulders were grown more square his shape more formd more portly but still
free and airy In short his figure showd riper greater and perfecter to the
experienced eye than in his tender youth and now he was not much more than two
and twenty
In this interval however I pickd out of the broken often pleasingly
interrupted account of himself that he was at that instant actually on his
road to London in not a very paramount plight or condition having been wreckd
on the Irish coast for which he had prematurely embarkd and lost the little
all he had brought with him from the South Seas so that he had not till after
great shifts and hardships in the company of his fellowtraveller the captain
got so far on his journey that so it was having heard of his fathers death
and circumstances he had now the world to begin again on a new account a
situation which he assurd me in a vein of sincerity that flowing from his
heart penetrated mine gave him to farther pain than that he had it not in his
power to make me as happy as he could wish My fortune you will please to
observe I had not enterd upon any overture of reserving to feast myself with
the surprize of it to him in calmer instants And as to my dress it could
give him no idea of the truth not only as it was mourning but likewise in a
style of plainness and simplicity that I had ever kept to with studied art He
pressd me indeed tenderly to satisfy his ardent curiosity both with regard to
my past and present state of life since his being torn away from me but I had
the address to elude his questions by answers that shewing his satisfaction at
no great distance won upon him to waive his impatience in favour of the
thorough confidence he had in my not delaying it but for respects I should in
good time acquaint him with
Charles however thus returned to my longing arms tender faithful and in
health was already a blessing too mighty for my conception but Charles in
distress Charles reducd and broken down to his naked personal merit was
such a circumstance in favour of the sentiments I had for him as exceeded my
utmost desires and accordingly I seemed so visibly charmd so out of time and
measure pleasd at his mention of his ruind fortune that he could account for
it no way but that the joy of seeing him again had swallowd up every other
sense or concern
In the mean time my woman had taken all possible care of Charless
travelling companion and as supper was coming in he was introducd to me when
I receivd him as became my regard for all of Charless acquaintance or friends
We four then suppd together in the style of joy congratulation and
pleasing disorder that you may guess For my part though all these agitations
had left me not the least stomach but for that uncloying feast the sight of my
adord youth I endeavourd to force it by way of example for him who I
conjecturd must want such a recruit after riding and indeed he ate like a
traveller but gazd at and addressed me all the time like a lover
After the cloth was taken away and the hour of repose came on Charles and
I were without further ceremony in quality of man and wife shewn up together
to a very handsome apartment and all in course the bed they said the best
in the inn
And here Decency forgive me if once more I violate thy laws and keeping
the curtains undrawn sacrifice thee for the last time to that confidence
without reserve with which I engaged to recount to you the most striking
circumstances of my youthful disorders
As soon then as we were in the room together left to ourselves the sight
of the bed starting the remembrance of our first joys and the thought of my
being instantly to share it with the dear possessor of my virgin heart movd me
so strongly that it was well I leand upon him or I must have fainted again
under the overpowering sweet alarm Charles saw into my confusion and forgot
his own that was scarce less to apply himself to the removal of mine
But now the true refining passion had regaind thorough possession of me
with all its train of symptoms a sweet sensibility a tender timidity
lovesick yearnings temperd with diffidence and modesty all held me in a
subjection of soul incomparably dearer to me than the liberty of heart which I
had been long too long the mistress of in the course of those grosser
gallantries the consciousness of which now made me sigh with a virtuous
confusion and regret No real virgin in view of the nuptial bed could give
more bashful blushes to unblemishd innocence than I did to a sense of guilt
and indeed I lovd Charles too truly not to feel severely that I did not deserve
him
As I kept hesitating and disconcerted under this soft distraction Charles
with a fond impatience took the pains to undress me and all I can remember
amidst the flutter and discomposure of my senses was some flattering
exclamations of joy and admiration more specially at the feel of my breasts
now set at liberty from my stays and which panting and rising in tumultuous
throbs swelld upon his dear touch and gave it the welcome pleasure of finding
them well formd and unfaild in firmness
I was soon laid in bed and scarce languishd an instant for the darling
partner of it before he was undressd and got between the sheets with his arms
claspd round me giving and taking with gust inexpressible a kiss of welcome
that my heart rising to my lips stampd with its warmest impression concurring
to my bliss with that delicate and voluptuous emotion which Charles alone had
the secret to excite and which constitutes the very life the essence of
pleasure
Meanwhile two candles lighted on a sidetable near us and a joyous
woodfire threw a light into the bed that took from one sense of great
importance to our joys all pretext for complaining of its being shut out of its
share of them and indeed the sight of my idolized youth was alone from the
ardour with which I had wished for it without other circumstance a pleasure to
die of
But as action was now a necessity to desires so much on edge as ours
Charles after a very short prelusive dalliance lifting up my linen and his
own laid the broad treasures of his manly chest close to my bosom both beating
with the tenderest alarms when now the sense of his glowing body in naked
touch with mine took all power over my thoughts out of my own disposal and
deliverd up every faculty of the soul to the sensiblest of joys that affecting
me infinitely more with my distinction of the person than of the sex now
brought my conscious heart deliciously into play my heart which eternally
constant to Charles had never taken any part in my occasional sacrifices to the
calls of constitution complaisance or interest But ah what became of me
when as the powers of solid pleasure thickened upon me I could not help feeling
the stiff stake that had been adornd with the trophies of my despoild
virginity bearing hard and inflexible against one of my thighs which I had not
yet opened from a true principle of modesty revivd by a passion too sincere
to suffer any aiming at the false merit of difficulty or my putting on an
impertinent mock coyness
I have I believe somewhere before remarkd that the feel of that
favourite piece of manhood has in the very nature of it something inimitably
pathetic Nothing can be dearer to the touch nor can affect it with a more
delicious sensation Think then as a love thinks what must be the consummate
transport of that quickest of our senses in their central seat too when after
so long a deprival it felt itself reinflamd under the pressure of that
peculiar sceptermember which commands us all but especially my darling elect
from the face of the whole earth And now at its mightiest point of stiffness
it felt to me something so subduing so active so solid and agreeable that I
know not what name to give its singular impression but the sentiment of
consciousness of its belonging to my supremely beloved youth gave me so
pleasing an agitation and workd so strongly on my soul that it sent all its
sensitive spirits to that organ of bliss in me dedicated to its reception
There concentreing to a point like rays in a burning glass they glowd they
burnt with the intensest heat the springs of pleasure were in short wound up
to such a pitch I panted now with so exquisitely keen an appetite for the
eminent enjoyment that I was even sick with desire and unequal to support the
combination of two distinct ideas that delightfully distracted me for all the
thought I was capable of was that I was now in touch at once with the
instrument of pleasure and the greatseal of love Ideas that mingling
streams pourd such an ocean of intoxicating bliss on a weak vessel all too
narrow to contain it that I lay overwhelmd absorbed lost in an abyss of joy
and dying of nothing but immoderate delight
Charles then rousd me somewhat out of this extatic distraction with a
complaint softly murmured amidst a croud of kisses at the position not so
favourable to his desires in which I receivd his urgent insistance for
admission where that insistance was alone so engrossing a pleasure that it made
me inconsistently suffer a much dearer one to be kept out but how sweet to
correct such a mistake My thighs now obedient to the intimations of love and
nature gladly disclose and with a ready submission resign up the soft gateway
to the entrance of pleasure I see I feel the delicious velvet tip he
enters me might and main with oh my pen drops from me here in the extasy
now present to my faithful memory Description too deserts me and delivers over
a task above its strength of wing to the imagination but it must be an
imagination exalted by such a flame as mine that can do justice to that
sweetest noblest of all sensations that hailed and accompanyd the stiff
insinuation all the way up till it was at the end of its penetration sending
up through my eyes the sparks of the lovefire that ran all over me and blazd
in every vein and every pore of me a system incarnate of joy all over
I had now totally taken in loves true arrow from the point up to the
feather in that part where making no new wound the lips of the original one
of nature which had owed its first breathing to this dear instrument clung as
if sensible of gratitude in eager suction round it whilst all its inwards
embracd it tenderly with a warmth of gust a compressive energy that gave it
in its way the heartiest welcome in nature every fibre there gathering tight
round it and straining ambitiously to come in for its share of the blissful
touch
As we were giving them a few moments of pause to the delectation of the
senses in dwelling with the highest relish on this intimatest point of
reunion and chewing the cud of enjoyment the impatience natural to the
pleasure soon drove us into action Then began the driving tumult on his side
and the responsive heaves on mine which kept me up to him whilst as our joys
grew too great for utterance the organs of our voices voluptuously
intermixing became organs of the touch and oh that touch how delicious
how poignantly luscious And now now I felt to the heart of me I felt
the prodigious keen edge with which love presiding over this act points the
pleasure love that may be styled the Attic salt of enjoyment and indeed
without it the joy great as it is is still a vulgar one whether in a king or
a beggar for it is undoubtedly love alone that refines ennobles and exalts
it
Thus happy then by the heart happy by the senses it was beyond all
power even of thought to form the conception of a greater delight than what I
was now consummating the fruition of
Charles whose whole frame was convulsed with the agitation of his rapture
whilst the tenderest fires trembled in his eyes all assured me of a perfect
concord of joy penetrated me so profoundly touchd me so vitally took me so
much out of my own possession whilst he seemd himself so much in mine that in
a delicious enthusiasm I imagind such a transfusion of heart and spirit as
that coalescing and making one body and soul with him I was he and he me
But all this pleasure tending like life from its first instants towards
its own dissolution livd too fast not to bring on upon the spur its delicious
moment of mortality for presently the approach of the tender agony discoverd
itself by its usual signals that were quickly followd by my dear loves
emanation of himself that spun out and shot feelingly indeed up the ravishd
indraught where the sweetly soothing balmy titillation opened all the juices
of joy on my side which extatically in flow helpd to allay the prurient glow
and drownd our pleasure for a while Soon however to be on float again For
Charles true to natures laws in one breath expiring and ejaculating
languishd not long in the dissolving trance but recovering spirit again soon
gave me to feel that the truemettle springs of his instrument of pleasure were
by love and perhaps by a long vacation wound up too high to be let down by a
single explosion his stiffness still stood my friend Resuming then the action
afresh without dislodging or giving me the trouble of parting from my sweet
tenant we playd over again the same opera with the same delightful harmony
and concert our ardours like our love knew no remission and all as the tide
servd my lover lavish of his stores and pleasure milked overflowed me once
more from the fulness of his oval reservoirs of the genial emulsion whilst on
my side a convulsive grasp in the instant of my giving down the liquid
contribution renderd me sweetly subservient at once to the increase of his
joy and of its effusions moving me so as to make me exert all those springs
of the compressive exsuction with which the sensitive mechanism of that part
thirstily draws and drains the nipple of Love with much such an instinctive
eagerness and attachment as to compare great with less kind nature engages
infants at the breast by the pleasure they find in the motion of their little
mouths and cheeks to extract the milky stream prepard for their nourishment
But still there was no end of his vigour this double discharge had so far
from extinguishd his desires for that time that it had not even calmd them
and at his age desires are power He was proceeding then amazingly to push it
to a third triumph still without uncasing if a tenderness natural to true
love had not inspird me with selfdenial enough to spare and not overstrain
him and accordingly entreating him to give himself and me quarter I obtaind
at length a short suspension of arms but not before he had exultingly
satisfyd me that he gave out standing
The remainder of the night with what we borrowd upon the day we employd
with unwearyd fervour in celebrating thus the festival of our remeeting and
got up pretty late in the morning gay brisk and alert though rest had been a
stranger to us but the pleasures of love had been to us what the joy of
victory is to an army repose refreshment everything
The journey into the country being now entirely out of the question and
orders having been given overnight for turning the horses heads towards
London we left the inn as soon as we had breakfasted not without a liberal
distribution of the tokens of my grateful sense of the happiness I had met with
in it
Charles and I were in my coach the captain and my companion in a chaise
hird purposely for them to leave us the conveniency of a têteàtête
Here on the road as the tumult of my senses was tolerably composd I had
command enough of head to break properly to him the course of life that the
consequence of my separation from him had driven me into which at the same
time that he tenderly deplord with me he was the less shocked at as on
reflecting how he had left me circumstancd he could not be entirely unprepard
for it
But when I opened the state of my fortune to him and with that sincerity
which from me to him was so much a nature in me I beggd of him his
acceptance of it on his own terms I should appear to you perhaps too partial
to my passion were I to attempt the doing his delicacy justice I shall content
myself then with assuring you that after his flatly refusing the unreservd
unconditional donation that I long persecuted him in vain to accept it was at
length in obedience to his serious commands for I stood out unaffectedly till
he exerted the sovereign authority which love had given him over me that I
yielded my consent to waive the remonstrance I did not fail of making strongly
to him against his degrading himself and incurring the reflection however
unjust of having for respects of fortune barterd his honour for infamy and
prostitution in making one his wife who thought herself too much honourd in
being but his mistress
The plea of love then overruling all objections Charles entirely won with
the merit of my sentiments for him which he could not but read the sincerity of
in a heart ever open to him obligd me to receive his hand by which means I
was in pass among other innumerable blessings to bestow a legal parentage on
those fine children you have seen by this happiest of matches
Thus at length I got snug into port where in the bosom of virtue I
gatherd the only uncorrupt sweets where looking back on the course of vice I
had run and comparing its infamous blandishments with the infinitely superior
joys of innocence I could not help pitying even in point of taste those who
immersd in gross sensuality are insensible to the so delicate charms of
VIRTUE than which even PLEASURE has not a greater friend nor than VICE a
greater enemy Thus temperance makes men lords over those pleasures that
intemperance enslaves them to the one parent of health vigour fertility
cheerfulness and every other desirable good of life the other of diseases
debility barrenness selfloathing with only every evil incident to human
nature
You laugh perhaps at this tailpiece of morality extracted from me by the
force of truth resulting from compard experiences you think it no doubt out
of place out of character possibly too you may look on it as the paltry
finesse of one who seeks to mask a devotee to Vice under a rag of a veil
impudently smuggled from the shrine of Virtue just as if one was to fancy ones
self compleatly disguised at a masquerade with no other change of dress than
turning ones shoes into slippers or as if a writer should think to shield a
treasonable libel by concluding it with a formal prayer for the King But
independent of my flattering myself that you have a juster opinion of my sense
and sincerity give me leave to represent to you that such a supposition is
even more injurious to Virtue than to me since consistently with candour and
goodnature it can have no foundation but in the falsest of fears that its
pleasures cannot stand in comparison with those of Vice but let truth dare to
hold it up in its most alluring light then mark how spurious how low of
taste how comparatively inferior its joys are to those which Virtue gives
sanction to and whose sentiments are not above making even a sauce for the
senses but a sauce of the highest relish whilst Vices are the harpies that
infect and foul the feast The paths of Vice are sometimes strewd with roses
but then they are for ever infamous for many a thorn for many a cankerworm
those of Virtue are strewd with roses purely and those eternally unfading
ones
If you do me then justice you will esteem me perfectly consistent in the
incense I burn to Virtue If I have painted Vice in all its gayest colours if I
have deckd it with flowers it has been solely in order to make the worthier
the solemner sacrifice of it to Virtue
You know Mr C O you know his estate his worth and good sense can
you will you pronounce it ill meant at least of him when anxious for his
sons morals with a view to form him to virtue and inspire him with a fixd a
rational contempt for vice he condescended to be his master of the ceremonies
and led him by the hand thro the most noted bawdyhouses in town where he took
care he should be familiarized with all those scenes of debauchery so fit to
nauseate a good taste The experiment you will cry is dangerous True on a
fool but are fools worth so much attention
I shall see you soon and in the mean time think candidly of me and believe
me ever
Madam
Yours etc etc etc
The End