BASIL
By Wilkie Collins
PART I
I
WHAT am I now about to write
The history of little more than the events of one year out of the twentyfour years of my life
Why do I undertake such an employment as this
Perhaps because I think that my narrative may do good because I hope that one day it may be put to some warning use I am now about to relate the story of an error innocent in its beginning guilty in its progress fatal in its results and I would fain hope that my plain and true record will show that this error was not committed altogether without excuse When these pages are found after my death they will perhaps be calmly read and gently judged as relics solemnized by the atoning shadows of the grave Then the hard sentence against me may be repented of the children of the next generation of our house may be taught to speak charitably of my memory and may often of their own accord think of me kindly in the thoughtful watches of the night
Prompted by these motives and by others which I feel but cannot analyse I now begin my selfimposed occupation Hidden amid the far hills of the far West of England surrounded only by the few simple inhabitants of a fishing hamlet on the Cornish coast there is little fear that my attention will be distracted from my task and as little chance that any indolence on my part will delay its speedy accomplishment I live under a threat of impending hostility which may descend and overwhelm me I know not how soon or in what manner An enemy determined and deadly patient alike to wait days or years for his opportunity is ever lurking after me in the dark In entering on my new employment I cannot say of my time that it may be mine for another hour of my life that it may last till evening
Thus it is as no leisure work that I begin my narrative—and begin it too on my birthday On this day I complete my twentyfourth year the first new year of my life which has not been greeted by a single kind word or a single loving wish But one look of welcome can still find me in my solitude—the lovely morning look of nature as I now see it from the casement of my room Brighter and brighter shines out the lusty sun from banks of purple rainy cloud fishermen are spreading their nets to dry on the lower declivities of the rocks children are playing round the boats drawn up on the beach the seabreeze blows fresh and pure towards the shore——all objects are brilliant to look on all sounds are pleasant to hear as my pen traces the first lines which open the story of my life
II
I am the second son of an English gentleman of large fortune Our family is I believe one of the most ancient in this country On my fathers side it dates back beyond the Conquest on my mothers it is not so old but the pedigree is nobler Besides my elder brother I have one sister younger than myself My mother died shortly after giving birth to her last child
Circumstances which will appear hereafter have forced me to abandon my fathers name I have been obliged in honour to resign it and in honour I abstain from mentioning it here Accordingly at the head of these pages I have only placed my Christian name—not considering it of any importance to add the surname which I have assumed and which I may perhaps be obliged to change for some other at no very distant period It will now I hope be understood from the outset why I never mention my brother and sister but by their Christian names why a blank occurs wherever my fathers name should appear why my own is kept concealed in this narrative as it is kept concealed in the world
The story of my boyhood and youth has little to interest—nothing that is new My education was the education of hundreds of others in my rank of life I was first taught at a public school and then went to college to complete what is termed a liberal education
My life at college has not left me a single pleasant recollection I found sycophancy established there as a principle of action flaunting on the lords gold tassel in the street enthroned on the lords dais in the diningroom The most learned student in my college—the man whose life was most exemplary whose acquirements were most admirable—was shown me sitting as a commoner in the lowest place The heir to an Earldom who had failed at the last examination was pointed out a few minutes afterwards dining in solitary grandeur at a raised table above the reverend scholars who had turned him back as a dunce I had just arrived at the University and had just been congratulated on entering a venerable seminary of learning and religion
Trite and commonplace though it be I mention this circumstance attending my introduction to college because it formed the first cause which tended to diminish my faith in the institution to which I was attached I soon grew to regard my university training as a sort of necessary evil to be patiently submitted to I read for no honours and joined no particular set of men I studied the literature of France Italy and Germany just kept up my classical knowledge sufficiently to take my degree and left college with no other reputation than a reputation for indolence and reserve
When I returned home it was thought necessary as I was a younger son and could inherit none of the landed property of the family except in the case of my brothers dying without children that I should belong to a profession My father had the patronage of some valuable livings and good interest with more than one member of the government The church the army the navy and in the last instance the bar were offered me to choose from I selected the last
My father appeared to be a little astonished at my choice but he made no remark on it except simply telling me not to forget that the bar was a good steppingstone to parliament My real ambition however was not to make a name in parliament but a name in literature I had already engaged myself in the hard but glorious service of the pen and I was determined to persevere The profession which offered me the greatest facilities for pursuing my project was the profession which I was ready to prefer So I chose the bar
Thus I entered life under the fairest auspices Though a younger son I knew that my fathers wealth exclusive of his landed property secured me an independent income far beyond my wants I had no extravagant habits no tastes that I could not gratify as soon as formed no cares or responsibilities of any kind I might practise my profession or not just as I chose I could devote myself wholly and unreservedly to literature knowing that in my case the struggle for fame could never be identical—terribly though gloriously identical—with the struggle for bread For me the morning sunshine of life was sunshine without a cloud
I might attempt in this place to sketch my own character as it was at that time But what man can say—I will sound the depth of my own vices and measure the height of my own virtues and be as good as his word We can neither know nor judge ourselves others may judge but cannot know us God alone judges and knows too Let my character appear—as far as any human character can appear in its integrity in this world—in my actions when I describe the one eventful passage in my life which forms the basis of this narrative In the mean time it is first necessary that I should say more about the members of my family Two of them at least will be found important to the progress of events in these pages I make no attempt to judge their characters I only describe them—whether rightly or wrongly I know not—as they appeared to me
III
I always considered my father—I speak of him in the past tense because we are now separated for ever because he is henceforth as dead to me as if the grave had closed over him—I always considered my father to be the proudest man I ever knew the proudest man I ever heard of His was not that conventional pride which the popular notions are fond of characterising by a stiff stately carriage by a rigid expression of features by a hard severe intonation of voice by set speeches of contempt for poverty and rags and rhapsodical braggadocio about rank and breeding My fathers pride had nothing of this about it It was that quiet negative courteous inbred pride which only the closest observation could detect which no ordinary observers ever detected at all
Who that observed him in communication with any of the farmers on any of his estates—who that saw the manner in which he lifted his hat when he accidentally met any of those farmers wives—who that noticed his hearty welcome to the man of the people when that man happened to be a man of genius—would have thought him proud On such occasions as these if he had any pride it was impossible to detect it But seeing him when for instance an author and a newmade peer of no ancestry entered his house together—observing merely the entirely different manner in which he shook hands with each—remarking that the polite cordiality was all for the man of letters who did not contest his family rank with him and the polite formality all for the man of title who did—you discovered where and how he was proud in an instant Here lay his fretful point The aristocracy of rank as separate from the aristocracy of ancestry was no aristocracy for him He was jealous of it he hated it Commoner though he was he considered himself the social superior of any man from a baronet up to a duke whose family was less ancient than his own
Among a host of instances of this peculiar pride of his which I could cite I remember one characteristic enough to be taken as a sample of all the rest It happened when I was quite a child and was told me by one of my uncles now dead—who witnessed the circumstance himself and always made a good story of it to the end of his life
A merchant of enormous wealth who had recently been raised to the peerage was staying at one of our country houses His daughter my uncle and an Italian Abbe were the only guests besides The merchant was a portly purplefaced man who bore his new honours with a curious mixture of assumed pomposity and natural goodhumour The Abbe was dwarfish and deformed lean sallow sharpfeatured with bright birdlike eyes and a low liquid voice He was a political refugee dependent for the bread he ate on the money he received for teaching languages He might have been a beggar from the streets and still my father would have treated him as the principal guest in the house for this allsufficient reason—he was a direct descendant of one of the oldest of those famous Roman families whose names are part of the history of the Civil Wars in Italy
On the first day the party assembled for dinner comprised the merchants daughter my mother an old lady who had once been her governess and had always lived with her since her marriage the new Lord the Abbe my father and my uncle When dinner was announced the peer advanced in newblown dignity to offer his arm as a matter of course to my mother My fathers pale face flushed crimson in a moment He touched the magnificent merchantlord on the arm and pointed significantly with a low bow towards the decrepit old lady who had once been my mothers governess Then walking to the other end of the room where the penniless Abbe was looking over a book in a corner he gravely and courteously led the little deformed limping languagemaster clad in a long threadbare black coat up to my mother whose shoulder the Abbes head hardly reached held the door open for them to pass out first with his own hand politely invited the new nobleman who stood halfparalysed between confusion and astonishment to follow with the tottering old lady on his arm and then returned to lead the peers daughter down to dinner himself He only resumed his wonted expression and manner when he had seen the little Abbe—the squalid halfstarved representative of mighty barons of the olden time—seated at the highest place of the table by my mothers side
It was by such accidental circumstances as these that you discovered how far he was proud He never boasted of his ancestors he never even spoke of them except when he was questioned on the subject but he never forgot them They were the very breath of his life the deities of his social worship the family treasures to be held precious beyond all lands and all wealth all ambitions and all glories by his children and his childrens children to the end of their race
In homelife he performed his duties towards his family honourably delicately and kindly I believe in his own way he loved us all but we his descendants had to share his heart with his ancestors—we were his household property as well as his children Every fair liberty was given to us every fair indulgence was granted to us He never displayed any suspicion or any undue severity We were taught by his direction that to disgrace our family either by word or action was the one fatal crime which could never be forgotten and never be pardoned We were formed under his superintendence in principles of religion honour and industry and the rest was left to our own moral sense to our own comprehension of the duties and privileges of our station There was no one point in his conduct towards any of us that we could complain of and yet there was something always incomplete in our domestic relations
It may seem incomprehensible even ridiculous to some persons but it is nevertheless true that we were none of us ever on intimate terms with him I mean by this that he was a father to us but never a companion There was something in his manner his quiet and unchanging manner which kept us almost unconsciously restrained I never in my life felt less at my ease—I knew not why at the time—than when I occasionally dined alone with him I never confided to him my schemes for amusement as a boy or mentioned more than generally my ambitious hopes as a young man It was not that he would have received such confidences with ridicule or severity he was incapable of it but that he seemed above them unfitted to enter into them too far removed by his own thoughts from such thoughts as ours Thus all holiday councils were held with old servants thus my first pages of manuscript when I first tried authorship were read by my sister and never penetrated into my fathers study
Again his mode of testifying displeasure towards my brother or myself had something terrible in its calmness something that we never forgot and always dreaded as the worst calamity that could befall us
Whenever as boys we committed some boyish fault he never displayed outwardly any irritation—he simply altered his manner towards us altogether We were not soundly lectured or vehemently threatened or positively punished in anyway but when we came in contact with him we were treated with a cold contemptuous politeness especially if our fault showed a tendency to anything mean or ungentlemanlike which cut us to the heart On these occasions we were not addressed by our Christian names if we accidentally met him out of doors he was sure to turn aside and avoid us if we asked a question it was answered in the briefest possible manner as if we had been strangers His whole course of conduct said as though in so many words—You have rendered yourselves unfit to associate with your father and he is now making you feel that unfitness as deeply as he does We were left in this domestic purgatory for days sometimes for weeks together To our boyish feelings to mine especially there was no ignominy like it while it lasted
I know not on what terms my father lived with my mother Towards my sister his demeanour always exhibited something of the oldfashioned affectionate gallantry of a former age He paid her the same attention that he would have paid to the highest lady in the land He led her into the diningroom when we were alone exactly as he would have led a duchess into a banquetinghall He would allow us as boys to quit the breakfasttable before he had risen himself but never before she had left it If a servant failed in duty towards him the servant was often forgiven if towards her the servant was sent away on the spot His daughter was in his eyes the representative of her mother the mistress of his house as well as his child It was curious to see the mixture of highbred courtesy and fatherly love in his manner as he just gently touched her forehead with his lips when he first saw her in the morning
In person my father was of not more than middle height He was very slenderly and delicately made his head small and well set on his shoulders—his forehead more broad than lofty—his complexion singularly pale except in moments of agitation when I have already noticed its tendency to flush all over in an instant His eyes large and gray had something commanding in their look they gave a certain unchanging firmness and dignity to his expression not often met with They betrayed his birth and breeding his old ancestral prejudices his chivalrous sense of honour in every glance It required indeed all the masculine energy of look about the upper part of his face to redeem the lower part from an appearance of effeminacy so delicately was it moulded in its fine Norman outline His smile was remarkable for its sweetness—it was almost like a womans smile In speaking too his lips often trembled as womens do If he ever laughed as a young man his laugh must have been very clear and musical but since I can recollect him I never heard it In his happiest moments in the gayest society I have only seen him smile
There were other characteristics of my fathers disposition and manner which I might mention but they will appear to greater advantage perhaps hereafter connected with circumstances which especially called them forth
IV
When a family is possessed of large landed property the individual of that family who shows least interest in its welfare who is least fond of home least connected by his own sympathies with his relatives least ready to learn his duties or admit his responsibilities is often that very individual who is to succeed to the family inheritance—the eldest son
My brother Ralph was no exception to this remark We were educated together After our education was completed I never saw him except for short periods He was almost always on the continent for some years after he left college And when he returned definitely to England he did not return to live under our roof Both in town and country he was our visitor not our inmate
I recollect him at school—stronger taller handsomer than I was far beyond me in popularity among the little community we lived with the first to lead a daring exploit the last to abandon it now at the bottom of the class now at the top—just that sort of gay boisterous finelooking daredevil boy whom old people would instinctively turn round and smile after as they passed him by in a morning walk
Then at college he became illustrious among rowers and cricketers renowned as a pistol shot dreaded as a singlestick player No wine parties in the university were such wine parties as his tradesmen gave him the first choice of everything that was new young ladies in the town fell in love with him by dozens young tutors with a tendency to dandyism copied the cut of his coat and the tie of his cravat even the awful heads of houses looked leniently on his delinquencies The gay hearty handsome young English gentleman carried a charm about him that subdued everybody Though I was his favourite butt both at school and college I never quarrelled with him in my life I always let him ridicule my dress manners and habits in his own reckless boisterous way as if it had been a part of his birthright privilege to laugh at me as much as he chose
Thus far my father had no worse anxieties about him than those occasioned by his high spirits and his heavy debts But when he returned home—when the debts had been paid and it was next thought necessary to drill the free careless energies into something like useful discipline—then my fathers trials and difficulties began in earnest
It was impossible to make Ralph comprehend and appreciate his position as he was desired to comprehend and appreciate it The steward gave up in despair all attempts to enlighten him about the extent value and management of the estates he was to inherit A vigorous effort was made to inspire him with ambition to get him to go into parliament He laughed at the idea A commission in the Guards was next offered to him He refused it because he would never be buttoned up in a red coat because he would submit to no restraints fashionable or military because in short he was determined to be his own master My father talked to him by the hour together about his duties and his prospects the cultivation of his mind and the example of his ancestors and talked in vain He yawned and fidgetted over the emblazoned pages of his own family pedigree whenever they were opened before him
In the country he cared for nothing but hunting and shooting—it was as difficult to make him go to a grand county dinnerparty as to make him go to church In town he haunted the theatres behind the scenes as well as before entertained actors and actresses at Richmond ascended in balloons at Vauxhall went about with detective policemen seeing life among pickpockets and housebreakers belonged to a whist club a supper club a catch club a boxing club a picnic club an amateur theatrical club and in short lived such a careless convivial life that my father outraged in every one of his family prejudices and family refinements almost ceased to speak to him and saw him as rarely as possible Occasionally my sisters interference reconciled them again for a short time her influence gentle as it was was always powerfully felt for good but she could not change my brothers nature Persuade and entreat as anxiously as she might he was always sure to forfeit the paternal favour again a few days after he had been restored to it
At last matters were brought to their climax by an awkward love adventure of Ralphs with one of our tenants daughters My father acted with his usual decision on the occasion He determined to apply a desperate remedy to let the refractory eldest son run through his career in freedom abroad until he had well wearied himself and could return home a sobered man Accordingly he procured for my brother an attaches place in a foreign embassy and insisted on his leaving England forthwith For once in a way Ralph was docile He knew and cared nothing about diplomacy but he liked the idea of living on the continent so he took his leave of home with his best grace My father saw him depart with illconcealed agitation and apprehension although he affected to feel satisfied that flighty and idle as Ralph was he was incapable of voluntarily dishonouring his family even in his most reckless moods
After this we heard little from my brother His letters were few and short and generally ended with petitions for money The only important news of him that reached us reached us through public channels
He was making quite a continental reputation—a reputation the bare mention of which made my father wince He had fought a duel he had imported a new dance from Hungary he had contrived to get the smallest groom that ever was seen behind a cabriolet he had carried off the reigning beauty among the operadancers of the day from all competitors a great French cook had composed a great French dish and christened it by his name he was understood to be the unknown friend to whom a literary Polish countess had dedicated her Letters against the restraint of the Marriage Tie a female German metaphysician sixty years old had fallen Platonically in love with him and had taken to writing erotic romances in her old age Such were some of the rumours that reached my fathers ears on the subject of his son and heir
After a long absence he came home on a visit How well I remember the astonishment he produced in the whole household He had become a foreigner in manners and appearance His mustachios were magnificent miniature toys in gold and jewellery hung in clusters from his watchchain his shirtfront was a perfect filigree of lace and cambric He brought with him his own boxes of choice liqueurs and perfumes his own smart impudent French valet his own travelling bookcase of French novels which he opened with his own golden key He drank nothing but chocolate in the morning he had long interviews with the cook and revolutionized our dinner table All the French newspapers were sent to him by a London agent He altered the arrangements of his bedroom no servant but his own valet was permitted to enter it Family portraits that hung there were turned to the walls and portraits of French actresses and Italian singers were stuck to the back of the canvasses Then he displaced a beautiful little ebony cabinet which had been in the family three hundred years and set up in its stead a Cyprian temple of his own in miniature with crystal doors behind which hung locks of hair rings notes written on blushcoloured paper and other lovetokens kept as sentimental relics His influence became allpervading among us He seemed to communicate to the house the change that had taken place in himself from the reckless racketty young Englishman to the superexquisite foreign dandy It was as if the fiery effervescent atmosphere of the Boulevards of Paris had insolently penetrated into the old English mansion and ruffled and infected its quiet native air to the remotest corners of the place
My father was even more dismayed than displeased by the alteration in my brothers habits and manners—the eldest son was now farther from his ideal of what an eldest son should be than ever As for friends and neighbours Ralph was heartily feared and disliked by them before he had been in the house a week He had an ironically patient way of listening to their conversation an ironically respectful manner of demolishing their oldfashioned opinions and correcting their slightest mistakes which secretly aggravated them beyond endurance It was worse still when my father in despair tried to tempt him into marriage as the one final chance of working his reform and invited half the marriageable young ladies of our acquaintance to the house for his especial benefit
Ralph had never shown much fondness at home for the refinements of good female society Abroad he had lived as exclusively as he possibly could among women whose characters ranged downwards by infinitesimal degrees from the mysteriously doubtful to the notoriously bad The highlybred highlyrefined highlyaccomplished young English beauties had no charm for him He detected at once the domestic conspiracy of which he was destined to become the victim He often came upstairs at night into my bedroom and while he was amusing himself by derisively kicking about my simple clothes and simple toilette apparatus while he was laughing in his old careless way at my quiet habits and monotonous life used to slip in parenthetically all sorts of sarcasms about our young lady guests To him their manners were horribly inanimate their innocence hypocrisy of education Pure complexions and regular features were very well he said as far as they went but when a girl could not walk properly when she shook hands with you with cold fingers when having good eyes she could not make a stimulating use of them then it was time to sentence the regular features and pure complexions to be taken back forthwith to the nursery from which they came For his part he missed the conversation of his witty Polish Countess and longed for another pancakesupper with his favourite grisettes
The failure of my fathers last experiment with Ralph soon became apparent Watchful and experienced mothers began to suspect that my brothers method of flirtation was dangerous and his style of waltzing improper One or two ultracautious parents alarmed by the laxity of his manners and opinions removed their daughters out of harms way by shortening their visits The rest were spared any such necessity My father suddenly discovered that Ralph was devoting himself rather too significantly to a young married woman who was staying in the house The same day he had a long private interview with my brother What passed between them I know not but it must have been something serious Ralph came out of my fathers private study very pale and very silent ordered his luggage to be packed directly and the next morning departed with his French valet and his multifarious French goods and chattels for the continent
Another interval passed and then we had another short visit from him He was still unaltered My fathers temper suffered under this second disappointment He became more fretful and silent more apt to take offence than had been his wont I particularly mention the change thus produced in his disposition because that change was destined at no very distant period to act fatally upon me
On this last occasion also there was another serious disagreement between father and son and Ralph left England again in much the same way that he had left it before
Shortly after that second departure we heard that he had altered his manner of life He had contracted what would be termed in the continental code of morals a reformatory attachment to a woman older than himself who was living separated from her husband when he met with her It was this ladys lofty ambition to be Mentor and mistress both together And she soon proved herself to be well qualified for her courageous undertaking To the astonishment of everyone who knew him Ralph suddenly turned economical and soon afterwards actually resigned his post at the embassy to be out of the way of temptation Since that he has returned to England has devoted himself to collecting snuffboxes and learning the violin and is now living quietly in the suburbs of London still under the inspection of the resolute female missionary who first worked his reform
Whether he will ever become the highminded highprincipled country gentleman that my father has always desired to see him it is useless for me to guess On the domains which he is to inherit I shall never perhaps set foot again in the halls where he will one day preside as master I shall never more be sheltered Let me now quit the subject of my elder brother and turn to a theme which is nearer to my heart dear to me as the last remembrance left that I can love precious beyond all treasures in my solitude and my exile from home
My sister—well may I linger over your beloved name in such a record as this A little farther on and the darkness of crime and grief will encompass me here my recollections of you kindle like a pure light before my eyes—doubly pure by contrast with what lies beyond May your kind eyes love be the first that fall on these pages when the writer has parted from them for ever May your tender hand be the first that touches these leaves when mine is cold Backward in my narrative Clara wherever I have but casually mentioned my sister the pen has trembled and stood still At this place where all my remembrances of you throng upon me unrestrained the tears gather fast and thick beyond control and for the first time since I began my task my courage and my calmness fail me
It is useless to persevere longer My hand trembles my eyes grow dimmer and dimmer I must close my labours for the day and go forth to gather strength and resolution for tomorrow on the hilltops that overlook the sea
V
My sister Clara is four years younger than I am In form of face in complexion and—except the eyes—in features she bears a striking resemblance to my father Her expressions however must be very like what my mothers was Whenever I have looked at her in her silent and thoughtful moments she has always appeared to freshen and even to increase my vague childish recollections of our lost mother Her eyes have that slight tinge of melancholy in their tenderness and that peculiar softness in their repose which is only seen in blue eyes Her complexion pale as my fathers when she is neither speaking nor moving has in a far greater degree than his the tendency to flush not merely in moments of agitation but even when she is walking or talking on any subject that interests her Without this peculiarity her paleness would be a defect With it the absence of any colour in her complexion but the fugitive uncertain colour which I have described would to some eyes debar her from any claims to beauty And a beauty perhaps she is not—at least in the ordinary acceptation of the term
The lower part of her face is rather too small for the upper her figure is too slight the sensitiveness of her nervous organization is too constantly visible in her actions and her looks She would not fix attention and admiration in a box at the opera very few men passing her in the street would turn round to look after her very few women would regard her with that slightingly attentive stare that steady depreciating scrutiny which a dashing decided beauty so often receives and so often triumphs in receiving from her personal inferiors among her own sex The greatest charms that my sister has on the surface come from beneath it
When you really knew her when she spoke to you freely as to a friend—then the attraction of her voice her smile her manner impressed you indescribably Her slightest words and her commonest actions interested and delighted you you knew not why There was a beauty about her unassuming simplicity her natural—exquisitely natural—kindness of heart and word and manner which preserved its own unobtrusive influence over you in spite of all other rival influences be they what they might You missed and thought of her when you were fresh from the society of the most beautiful and the most brilliant women You remembered a few kind pleasant words of hers when you forgot the wit of the wittiest ladies the learning of the most learned The influence thus possessed and unconsciously possessed by my sister over every one with whom she came in contact—over men especially—may I think be very simply accounted for in very few sentences
We live in an age when too many women appear to be ambitious of morally unsexing themselves before society by aping the language and the manners of men—especially in reference to that miserable modern dandyism of demeanour which aims at repressing all betrayal of warmth of feeling which abstains from displaying any enthusiasm on any subject whatever which in short labours to make the fashionable imperturbability of the face the faithful reflection of the fashionable imperturbability of the mind. Women of this exclusively modern order like to use slang expressions in their conversation assume a bastardmasculine abruptness in their manners a bastardmasculine licence in their opinions affect to ridicule those outward developments of feeling which pass under the general appellation of sentiment Nothing impresses agitates amuses or delights them in a hearty natural womanly way Sympathy looks ironical if they ever show it love seems to be an affair of calculation or mockery or contemptuous sufferance if they ever feel it
To women such as these my sister Clara presented as complete a contrast as could well be conceived In this contrast lay the secret of her influence of the voluntary tribute of love and admiration which followed her wherever she went
Few men have not their secret moments of deep feeling—moments when amid the wretched trivialities and hypocrisies of modern society the image will present itself to their minds of some woman fresh innocent gentle sincere some woman whose emotions are still warm and impressible whose affections and sympathies can still appear in her actions and give the colour to her thoughts some woman in whom we could put as perfect faith and trust as if we were children whom we despair of finding near the hardening influences of the world whom we could scarcely venture to look for except in solitary places far away in the country in little rural shrines shut up from society among woods and fields and lonesome boundaryhills When any women happen to realise or nearly to realise such an image as this they possess that universal influence which no rivalry can ever approach On them really depends and by then is really preserved that claim upon the sincere respect and admiration of men on which the power of the whole sex is based—the power so often assumed by the many so rarely possessed but by the few
It was thus with my sister Thus wherever she went though without either the inclination or the ambition to shine she eclipsed women who were her superiors in beauty in accomplishments in brilliancy of manners and conversation—conquering by no other weapon than the purely feminine charm of everything she said and everything she did
But it was not amid the gaiety and grandeur of a London season that her character was displayed to the greatest advantage It was when she was living where she loved to live in the old countryhouse among the old friends and old servants who would every one of them have died a hundred deaths for her sake that you could study and love her best Then the charm there was in the mere presence of the kind gentle happy young English girl who could enter into everybodys interests and be grateful for everybodys love possessed its best and brightest influence At picnics lawnparties little country gatherings of all sorts she was in her own quiet natural manner always the presiding spirit of general comfort and general friendship Even the rigid laws of country punctilio relaxed before her unaffected cheerfulness and irresistible goodnature She always contrived—nobody ever knew how—to lure the most formal people into forgetting their formality and becoming natural for the rest of the day Even a heavyheaded lumbering silent country squire was not too much for her She managed to make him feel at his ease when no one else would undertake the task she could listen patiently to his confused speeches about dogs horses and the state of the crops when other conversations were proceeding in which she was really interested she could receive any little grateful attention that he wished to pay her—no matter how awkward or illtimed—as she received attentions from any one else with a manner which showed she considered it as a favour granted to her sex not as a right accorded to it
So again she always succeeded in diminishing the long list of those pitiful affronts and offences which play such important parts in the social drama of country society She was a perfect Apostleerrant of the order of Reconciliation and wherever she went cast out the devil Sulkiness from all his strongholds—the lofty and the lowly alike Our good rector used to call her his Volunteer Curate and declare that she preached by a timely word or a persuasive look the best practical sermons on the blessings of peacemaking that were ever composed
With all this untiring goodnature with all this resolute industry in the task of making every one happy whom she approached there was mingled some indescribable influence which invariably preserved her from the presumption even of the most presuming people I never knew anybody venturesome enough—either by word or look—to take a liberty with her There was something about her which inspired respect as well as love My father following the bent of his peculiar and favourite ideas always thought it was the look of her race in her eyes the ascendancy of her race in her manners I believe it to have proceeded from a simpler and a better cause There is a goodness of heart which carries the shield of its purity over the open hand of its kindness and that goodness was hers
To my father she was more I believe than he himself ever imagined—or will ever know unless he should lose her He was often in his intercourse with the world wounded severely enough in his peculiar prejudices and peculiar refinements—he was always sure to find the first respected and the last partaken by her He could trust in her implicitly he could feel assured that she was not only willing but able to share and relieve his domestic troubles and anxieties If he had been less fretfully anxious about his eldest son if he had wisely distrusted from the first his own powers of persuading and reforming and had allowed Clara to exercise her influence over Ralph more constantly and more completely than he really did I am persuaded that the longexpected epoch of my brothers transformation would have really arrived by this time or even before it
The strong and deep feelings of my sisters nature lay far below the surface—for a woman too far below it Suffering was for her silent secret long enduring often almost entirely void of outward vent or development I never remember seeing her in tears except on rare and very serious occasions Unless you looked at her narrowly you would judge her to be little sensitive to ordinary griefs and troubles At such times her eyes only grew dimmer and less animated than usual the paleness of her complexion became rather more marked her lips closed and trembled involuntarily—but this was all there was no sighing no weeping no speaking even And yet she suffered acutely The very strength of her emotions was in their silence and their secresy I of all others—I guilty of infecting with my anguish the pure heart that loved me—ought to know this best
How long I might linger over all that she has done for me As I now approach nearer and nearer to the pages which are to reveal my fatal story so I am more and more tempted to delay over those better and purer remembrances of my sister which now occupy my mind The first little presents—innocent girlish presents—which she secretly sent to me at school the first sweet days of our uninterrupted intercourse when the close of my college life restored me to home her first inestimable sympathies with my first fugitive vanities of embryo authorship are thronging back fast and fondly on my thoughts while I now write
But these memories must be calmed and disciplined I must be collected and impartial over my narrative—if it be only to make that narrative show fairly and truly without suppression or exaggeration all that I have owed to her
Not merely all that I have owed to her but all that I owe to her now Though I may never see her again but in my thoughts still she influences comforts cheers me on to hope as if she were already the guardian spirit of the cottage where I live Even in my worst moments of despair I can still remember that Clara is thinking of me and sorrowing for me I can still feel that remembrance as an invisible hand of mercy which supports me sinking which raises me fallen which may yet lead me safely and tenderly to my hard journeys end
VI
I have now completed all the preliminary notices of my near relatives which it is necessary to present in these pages and may proceed at once to the more immediate subject of my narrative
Imagine to yourself that my father and my sister have been living for some months at our London residence and that I have recently joined them after having enjoyed a short tour on the continent
My father is engaged in his parliamentary duties We see very little of him Committees absorb his mornings—debates his evenings When he has a day of leisure occasionally he passes it in his study devoted to his own affairs He goes very little into society—a political dinner or a scientific meeting are the only social relaxations that tempt him
My sister leads a life which is not much in accordance with her simple tastes She is wearied of balls operas flowershows and all other London gaieties besides and heartily longs to be driving about the green lanes again in her own little poneychaise and distributing plumcake prizes to the good children at the Rectors Infant School But the female friend who happens to be staying with her is fond of excitement my father expects her to accept the invitations which he is obliged to decline so she gives up her own tastes and inclinations as usual and goes into hot rooms among crowds of fine people hearing the same glib compliments and the same polite inquiries night after night until patient as she is she heartily wishes that her fashionable friends all lived in some opposite quarter of the globe the farther away the better
My arrival from the continent is the most welcome of events to her It gives a new object and a new impulse to her London life
I am engaged in writing a historical romance—indeed it is principally to examine the localities in the country where my story is laid that I have been abroad Clara has read the first halfdozen finished chapters in manuscript and augurs wonderful success for my fiction when it is published She is determined to arrange my study with her own hands to dust my books and sort my papers herself She knows that I am already as fretful and precise about my literary goods and chattels as indignant at any interference of housemaids and dusters with my library treasures as if I were a veteran author of twenty years standing and she is resolved to spare me every apprehension on this score by taking all the arrangements of my study on herself and keeping the key of the door when I am not in need of it
We have our London amusements too as well as our London employments But the pleasantest of our relaxations are after all procured for us by our horses We ride every day—sometimes with friends sometimes alone together On these latter occasions we generally turn our horses heads away from the parks and seek what country sights we can get in the neighbourhood of London The northern roads are generally our favourite ride
Sometimes we penetrate so far that we can bait our horses at a little inn which reminds me of the inns near our country home I see the same sanded parlour decorated with the same old sporting prints furnished with the same battered deepcoloured mahogany table and polished elm tree chairs that I remember in our own village inn Clara also finds bits of common out of doors that look like our common and trees that might have been transplanted expressly for her from our park
These excursions we keep a secret we like to enjoy them entirely by ourselves Besides if my father knew that his daughter was drinking the landladys fresh milk and his son the landlords old ale in the parlour of a suburban roadside inn he would I believe be apt to suspect that both his children had fairly taken leave of their senses
Evening parties I frequent almost as rarely as my father Claras good nature is called into requisition to do duty for me as well as for him She has little respite in the task Old lady relatives and friends always ready to take care of her leave her no excuse for staying at home Sometimes I am shamed into accompanying her a little more frequently than usual but my old indolence in these matters soon possesses me again I have contracted a bad habit of writing at night—I read almost incessantly in the day time It is only because I am fond of riding that I am ever willing to interrupt my studies and ever ready to go out at all
Such were my domestic habits such my regular occupations and amusements when a mere accident changed every purpose of my life and altered me irretrievably from what I was then to what I am now
It happened thus
VII
I had just received my quarters allowance of pocketmoney and had gone into the city to cash the cheque at my fathers bankers
The money paid I debated for a moment how I should return homewards First I thought of walking then of taking a cab While I was considering this frivolous point an omnibus passed me going westward In the idle impulse of the moment I hailed it and got in
It was something more than an idle impulse though If I had at that time no other qualification for the literary career on which I was entering I certainly had this one—an aptitude for discovering points of character in others and its natural result an unfailing delight in studying characters of all kinds wherever I could meet with them
I had often before ridden in omnibuses to amuse myself by observing the passengers An omnibus has always appeared to me to be a perambulatory exhibitionroom of the eccentricities of human nature I know not any other sphere in which persons of all classes and all temperaments are so oddly collected together and so immediately contrasted and confronted with each other To watch merely the different methods of getting into the vehicle and taking their seats adopted by different people is to study no incomplete commentary on the infinitesimal varieties of human character—as various even as the varieties of the human face
Thus in addition to the idle impulse there was the idea of amusement in my thoughts as I stopped the public vehicle and added one to the number of the conductors passengers
There were five persons in the omnibus when I entered it Two middleaged ladies dressed with amazing splendour in silks and satins wearing strawcoloured kid gloves and carrying highlyscented pocket handkerchiefs sat apart at the end of the vehicle trying to look as if they occupied it under protest and preserving the most stately gravity and silence They evidently felt that their magnificent outward adornments were exhibited in a very unworthy locality and among a very uncongenial company
One side close to the door was occupied by a lean withered old man very shabbily dressed in black who sat eternally mumbling something between his toothless jaws Occasionally to the evident disgust of the genteel ladies he wiped his bald head and wrinkled forehead with a ragged blue cotton handkerchief which he kept in the crown of his hat
Opposite to this ancient sat a dignified gentleman and a sickly vacantlooking little girl Every event of that day is so indelibly marked on my memory that I remember not only this mans pompous look and manner but even the words he addressed to the poor squalid little creature by his side When I entered the omnibus he was telling her in a loud voice how she ought to dispose of her frock and her feet when people got into the vehicle and when they got out He then impressed on her the necessity in future life when she grew up of always having the price of her fare ready before it was wanted to prevent unnecessary delay Having delivered himself of this good advice he began to hum keeping time by drumming with his thick Malacca cane He was still proceeding with this amusement—producing some of the most acutely unmusical sounds I ever heard—when the omnibus stopped to give admission to two ladies The first who got in was an elderly person—pale and depressed—evidently in delicate health The second was a young girl
Among the workings of the hidden life within us which we may experience but cannot explain are there any more remarkable than those mysterious moral influences constantly exercised either for attraction or repulsion by one human being over another In the simplest as in the most important affairs of life how startling how irresistible is their power How often we feel and know either pleasurably or painfully that another is looking on us before we have ascertained the fact with our own eyes How often we prophesy truly to ourselves the approach of a friend or enemy just before either have really appeared How strangely and abruptly we become convinced at a first introduction that we shall secretly love this person and loathe that before experience has guided us with a single fact in relation to their characters
I have said that the two additional passengers who entered the vehicle in which I was riding were one of them an elderly lady the other a young girl As soon as the latter had seated herself nearly opposite to me by her companions side I felt her influence on me directly—an influence that I cannot describe—an influence which I had never experienced in my life before which I shall never experience again
I had helped to hand her in as she passed me merely touching her arm for a moment But how the sense of that touch was prolonged I felt it thrilling through me—thrilling in every nerve in every pulsation of my fastthrobbing heart
Had I the same influence over her Or was it I that received and she that conferred only I was yet destined to discover but not then—not for a long long time
Her veil was down when I first saw her Her features and her expression were but indistinctly visible to me I could just vaguely perceive that she was young and beautiful but beyond this though I might imagine much I could see little
From the time when she entered the omnibus I have no recollection of anything more that occurred in it I neither remember what passengers got out or what passengers got in My powers of observation hitherto active enough had now wholly deserted me Strange that the capricious rule of chance should sway the action of our faculties that a trifle should set in motion the whole complicated machinery of their exercise and a trifle suspend it
We had been moving onward for some little time when the girls companion addressed an observation to her She heard it imperfectly and lifted her veil while it was being repeated How painfully my heart beat I could almost hear it—as her face was for the first time freely and fairly disclosed
She was dark Her hair eyes and complexion were darker than usual in English women The form the look altogether of her face coupled with what I could see of her figure made me guess her age to be about twenty There was the appearance of maturity already in the shape of her features but their expression still remained girlish unformed unsettled The fire in her large dark eyes when she spoke was latent Their languor when she was silent—that voluptuous languor of black eyes—was still fugitive and unsteady The smile about her full lips to other eyes they might have looked too full struggled to be eloquent yet dared not Among women there always seems something left incomplete—a moral creation to be superinduced on the physical—which love alone can develop and which maternity perfects still further when developed I thought as I looked on her how the passing colour would fix itself brilliantly on her round olive cheek how the expression that still hesitated to declare itself would speak out at last would shine forth in the full luxury of its beauty when she heard the first words received the first kiss from the man she loved
While I still looked at her as she sat opposite speaking to her companion our eyes met It was only for a moment—but the sensation of a moment often makes the thought of a life and that one little instant made the new life of my heart She put down her veil again immediately her lips moved involuntarily as she lowered it I thought I could discern through the lace that the slight movement ripened to a smile
Still there was enough left to see—enough to charm There was the little rim of delicate white lace encircling the lovely dusky throat there was the figure visible where the shawl had fallen open slender but already well developed in its slenderness and exquisitely supple there was the waist naturally low and left to its natural place and natural size there were the little millinery and jewellery ornaments that she wore—simple and commonplace enough in themselves—yet each a beauty each a treasure on her There was all this to behold all this to dwell on in spite of the veil The veil how little of the woman does it hide when the man really loves her
We had nearly arrived at the last point to which the omnibus would take us when she and her companion got out I followed them cautiously and at some distance
She was tall—tall at least for a woman There were not many people in the road along which we were proceeding but even if there had been far behind as I was walking I should never have lost her—never have mistaken any one else for her Already strangers though we were I felt that I should know her almost at any distance only by her walk
They went on until we reached a suburb of new houses intermingled with wretched patches of waste land half built over Unfinished streets unfinished crescents unfinished squares unfinished shops unfinished gardens surrounded us At last they stopped at a new square and rang the bell at one of the newest of the new houses The door was opened and she and her companion disappeared The house was partly detached It bore no number but was distinguished as North Villa The square—unfinished like everything else in the neighbourhood—was called Hollyoake Square
I noticed nothing else about the place at that time Its newness and desolateness of appearance revolted me just then I had satisfied myself about the locality of the house and I knew that it was her home for I had approached sufficiently near when the door was opened to hear her inquire if anybody had called in her absence For the present this was enough My sensations wanted repose my thoughts wanted collecting I left Hollyoake Square at once and walked into the Regents Park the northern portion of which was close at hand
Was I in love—in love with a girl whom I had accidentally met in an omnibus Or was I merely indulging a momentary caprice—merely feeling a young mans hot hasty admiration for a beautiful face These were questions which I could not then decide My ideas were in utter confusion all my thoughts ran astray I walked on dreaming in full day—I had no distinct impressions except of the stranger beauty whom I had just seen The more I tried to collect myself to resume the easy equable feelings with which I had set forth in the morning the less selfpossessed I became There are two emergencies in which the wisest man may try to reason himself back from impulse to principle and try in vain—the one when a woman has attracted him for the first time the other when for the first time also she has happened to offend him
I know not how long I had been walking in the park thus absorbed yet not thinking when the clock of a neighbouring church struck three and roused me to the remembrance that I had engaged to ride out with my sister at two oclock It would be nearly halfanhour more before I could reach home Never had any former appointment of mine with Clara been thus forgotten Love had not yet turned me selfish as it turns all men and even all women more or less I felt both sorrow and shame at the neglect of which I had been guilty and hastened homeward
The groom looking unutterably weary and discontented was still leading my horse up and down before the house My sisters horse had been sent back to the stables I went in and heard that after waiting for me an hour Clara had gone out with some friends and would not be back before dinner
No one was in the house but the servants The place looked dull empty inexpressibly miserable to me the distant roll of carriages along the surrounding streets had a heavy boding sound the opening and shutting of doors in the domestic offices below startled and irritated me the London air seemed denser to breathe than it had ever seemed before I walked up and down one of the rooms fretful and irresolute Once I directed my steps towards my study but retraced them before I had entered it Reading or writing was out of the question at that moment
I felt the secret inclination strengthening within me to return to Hollyoake Square to try to see the girl again or at least to ascertain who she was I strove—yes I can honestly say strove to repress the desire I tried to laugh it off as idle and ridiculous to think of my sister of the book I was writing of anything but the one subject that pressed stronger and stronger on me the harder I struggled against it The spell of the syren was over me I went out hypocritically persuading myself that I was only animated by a capricious curiosity to know the girls name which once satisfied would leave me at rest on the matter and free to laugh at my own idleness and folly as soon as I got home again
I arrived at the house The blinds were all drawn down over the front windows to keep out the sun The little slip of garden was left solitary—baking and cracking in the heat The square was silent desolately silent as only a suburban square can be I walked up and down the glaring pavement resolved to find out her name before I quitted the place While still undecided how to act a shrill whistling—sounding doubly shrill in the silence around—made me look up
A tradesmans boy—one of those town Pucks of the highway one of those incarnations of precocious cunning inveterate mischief and impudent humour which great cities only can produce—was approaching me with his empty tray under his arm I called to him to come and speak to me He evidently belonged to the neighbourhood and might be made of some use
His first answer to my inquiries showed that his master served the household at North Villa A present of a shilling secured his attention at once to the few questions of any importance which I desired to put to him I learned from his replies that the name of the master of the house was Sherwin and that the family only consisted of Mr and Mrs Sherwin and the young lady their daughter
My last inquiry addressed to the boy was the most important of all Did he know what Mr Sherwins profession or employment was
His answer startled me into perfect silence Mr Sherwin kept a large linendrapers shop in one of the great London thoroughfares The boy mentioned the number and the side of the way on which the house stood—then asked me if I wanted to know anything more I could only tell him by a sign that he might leave me and that I had heard enough
Enough If he had spoken the truth I had heard too much
A linendrapers shop—a linendrapers daughter Was I still in love—I thought of my father I thought of the name I bore and this time though I might have answered the question I dared not
But the boy might be wrong Perhaps in mere mischief he had been deceiving me throughout I determined to seek the address he had mentioned and ascertain the truth for myself
I reached the place there was the shop and there the name Sherwin over the door One chance still remained This Sherwin and the Sherwin of Hollyoake Square might not be the same
I went in and purchased something While the man was tying up the parcel I asked him whether his master lived in Hollyoake Square Looking a little astonished at the question he answered in the affirmative
There was a Mr Sherwin I once knew I said forging in those words the first link in the long chain of deceit which was afterwards to fetter and degrade me—a Mr Sherwin who is now as I have heard living somewhere in the Hollyoake Square neighbourhood He was a bachelor—I dont know whether my friend and your master are the same
Oh dear no Sir My master is a married man and has one daughter—Miss Margaret—who is reckoned a very fine young lady Sir And the man grinned as he spoke—a grin that sickened and shocked me
I was answered at last I had discovered all Margaret—I had heard her name too Margaret—it had never hitherto been a favourite name with me Now I felt a sort of terror as I detected myself repeating it and finding a new unimagined poetry in the sound
Could this be love—pure first love for a shopkeepers daughter whom I had seen for a quarter of an hour in an omnibus and followed home for another quarter of an hour The thing was impossible And yet I felt a strange unwillingness to go back to our house and see my father and sister just at that moment
I was still walking onward slowly but not in the direction of home when I met an old college friend of my brothers and an acquaintance of mine—a reckless goodhumoured convivial fellow He greeted me at once with uproarious cordiality and insisted on my accompanying him to dine at his club
If the thoughts that still hung heavy on my mind were only the morbid fanciful thoughts of the hour here was a man whose society would dissipate them I resolved to try the experiment and accepted his invitation
At dinner I tried hard to rival him in jest and joviality I drank much more than my usual quantity of wine—but it was useless The gay words came fainting from my heart and fell dead on my lips The wine fevered but did not exhilarate me Still the image of the dark beauty of the morning was the one reigning image of my thoughts—still the influence of the morning at once sinister and seductive kept its hold on my heart
I gave up the struggle I longed to be alone again My friend soon found that my forced spirits were flagging he tried to rouse me tried to talk for two ordered more wine but everything failed Yawning at last in undisguised despair he suggested a visit to the theatre
I excused myself—professed illness—hinted that the wine had been too much for me He laughed with something of contempt as well as goodnature in the laugh and went away to the play by himself evidently feeling that I was still as bad a companion as he had found me at college years ago
As soon as we parted I felt a sense of relief I hesitated walked backwards and forwards a few paces in the street and then silencing all doubts leaving my inclinations to guide me as they would—I turned my steps for the third time in that one day to Hollyoake Square
The fair summer evening was tending towards twilight the sun stood fiery and low in a cloudless horizon the last loveliness of the last quietest daylight hour was fading on the violet sky as I entered the square
I approached the house She was at the window—it was thrown wide open A birdcage hung rather high up against the shutterpanel She was standing opposite to it making a plaything for the poor captive canary of a piece of sugar which she rapidly offered and drew back again now at one bar of the cage and now at another The bird hopped and fluttered up and down in his prison after the sugar chirping as if he enjoyed playing his part of the game with his mistress How lovely she looked Her dark hair drawn back over each cheek so as just to leave the lower part of the ear visible was gathered up into a thick simple knot behind without ornament of any sort She wore a plain white dress fastening round the neck and descending over the bosom in numberless little wavy plaits The cage hung just high enough to oblige her to look up to it She was laughing with all the glee of a child darting the piece of sugar about incessantly from place to place Every moment her head and neck assumed some new and lovely turn—every moment her figure naturally fell into the position which showed its pliant symmetry best The lastleft glow of the evening atmosphere was shining on her—the farewell pause of daylight over the kindred daylight of beauty and youth
I kept myself concealed behind a pillar of the gardengate I looked hardly daring either to move or breathe for I feared that if she saw or heard me she would leave the window After a lapse of some minutes the canary touched the sugar with his beak
There Minnie she cried laughingly you have caught the runaway sugar and now you shall keep it
For a moment more she stood quietly looking at the cage then raising herself on tiptoe pouted her lips caressingly to the bird and disappeared in the interior of the room
The sun went down the twilight shadows fell over the dreary square the gas lamps were lighted far and near people who had been out for a breath of fresh air in the fields came straggling past me by ones and twos on their way home—and still I lingered near the house hoping she might come to the window again but she did not reappear At last a servant brought candles into the room and drew down the Venetian blinds Knowing it would be useless to stay longer I left the square
I walked homeward joyfully That second sight of her completed what the first meeting had begun The impressions left by it made me insensible for the time to all boding reflections careless of exercising the smallest selfrestraint I gave myself up to the charm that was at work on me Prudence duty memories and prejudices of home were all absorbed and forgotten in love—love that I encouraged that I dwelt over in the first reckless luxury of a new sensation
I entered our house thinking of nothing but how to see her how to speak to her on the morrow murmuring her name to myself even while my hand was on the lock of my study door The instant I was in the room I involuntarily shuddered and stopped speechless Clara was there I was not merely startled a cold faint sensation came over me My first look at my sister made me feel as if I had been detected in a crime
She was standing at my writingtable and had just finished stringing together the loose pages of my manuscript which had hitherto laid disconnectedly in a drawer There was a grand ball somewhere to which she was going that night The dress she wore was of pale blue crape my fathers favourite colour on her One white flower was placed in her light brown hair She stood within the soft steady light of my lamp looking up towards the door from the leaves she had just tied together Her slight figure appeared slighter than usual in the delicate material that now clothed it Her complexion was at its palest her face looked almost statuelike in its purity and repose What a contrast to the other living picture which I had seen at sunset
The remembrance of the engagement that I had broken came back on me avengingly as she smiled and held my manuscript up before me to look at With that remembrance there returned too—darker than ever—the ominous doubts which had depressed me but a few hours since I tried to steady my voice and felt how I failed in the effort as I spoke to her
Will you forgive me Clara for having deprived you of your ride today I am afraid I have but a bad excuse—
Then dont make it Basil or wait till papa can arrange it for you in a proper parliamentary way when he comes back from the House of Commons tonight See how I have been meddling with your papers but they were in such confusion I was really afraid some of these leaves might have been lost
Neither the leaves nor the writer deserve half the pains you have taken with them but I am really sorry for breaking our engagement I met an old college friend—there was business too in the morning—we dined together—he would take no denial
Basil how pale you look Are you ill
No the heat has been a little too much for me—nothing more
Has anything happened I only ask because if I can be of any use—if you want me to stay at home—
Certainly not love I wish you all success and pleasure at the ball
For a moment she did not speak but fixed her clear kind eyes on me more gravely and anxiously than usual Was she searching my heart and discovering the new love rising an usurper already in the place where the love of her had reigned before
Love love for a shopkeepers daughter That thought came again as she looked at me and strangely mingled with it a maxim I had often heard my father repeat to Ralph—Never forget that your station is not yours to do as you like with It belongs to us and belongs to your children You must keep it for them as I have kept it for you
I thought resumed Clara in rather lower tones than before that I would just look into your room before I went to the ball and see that everything was properly arranged for you in case you had any idea of writing tonight I had just time to do this while my aunt who is going with me was upstairs altering her toilette But perhaps you dont feel inclined to write
I will try at least
Can I do anything more Would you like my nosegay left in the room—the flowers smell so fresh I can easily get another Look at the roses my favourite white roses that always remind me of my own garden at the dear old Park
Thank you Clara but I think the nosegay is fitter for your hand than my table
Good night Basil
Good night
She walked to the door then turned round and smiled as if she were about to speak again but checked herself and merely looked at me for an instant In that instant however the smile left her face and the grave anxious expression came again She went out softly A few minutes afterwards the roll of the carriage which took her and her companion to the ball died away heavily on my ear I was left alone in the house—alone for the night
VIII
My manuscript lay before me set in order by Claras careful hand I slowly turned over the leaves one by one but my eye only fell mechanically on the writing Yet one day since and how much ambition how much hope how many of my hearts dearest sensations and my minds highest thoughts dwelt in those poor paper leaves in those little crabbed marks of pen and ink Now I could look on them indifferently—almost as a stranger would have looked The days of calm study of steady toil of thought seemed departed for ever Stirring ideas store of knowledge patiently heaped up visions of better sights than this world can show falling freshly and sunnily over the pages of my first book all these were past and gone—withered up by the hot breath of the senses—doomed by a paltry fate whose germ was the accident of an idle day
I hastily put the manuscript aside My unexpected interview with Clara had calmed the turbulent sensations of the evening but the fatal influence of the dark beauty remained with me still How could I write
I sat down at the open window It was at the back of the house and looked out on a strip of garden—London garden—a closeshut dungeon for nature where stunted trees and drooping flowers seemed visibly pining for the free air and sunlight of the country in their sooty atmosphere amid their prison of high brick walls But the place gave room for the air to blow in it and distanced the tumult of the busy streets The moon was up shined round tenderly by a little borderwork of pale yellow light Elsewhere the awful void of night was starless the dark lustre of space shone without a cloud
A presentiment arose within me that in this still and solitary hour would occur my decisive my final struggle with myself I felt that my hearts life or death was set on the hazard of the night
This new love that was in me this giant sensation of a days growth was first love Hitherto I had been heartwhole I had known nothing of the passion which is the absorbing passion of humanity No woman had ever before stood between me and my ambitions my occupations my amusements No woman had ever before inspired me with the sensations which I now felt
In trying to realise my position there was this one question to consider was I still strong enough to resist the temptation which accident had thrown in my way I had this one incentive to resistance the conviction that if I succumbed as far as my family prospects were concerned I should be a ruined man
I knew my fathers character well I knew how far his affections and his sympathies might prevail over his prejudices—even over his principles—in some peculiar cases and this very knowledge convinced me that the consequences of a degrading marriage contracted by his son degrading in regard to rank would be terrible fatal to one perhaps to both Every other irregularity—every other offence even—he might sooner or later forgive This irregularity this offence never—never though his heart broke in the struggle I was as sure of it as I was of my own existence at that moment
I loved her All that I felt all that I knew was summed up in those few words Deteriorating as my passion was in its effect on the exercise of my mental powers and on my candour and sense of duty in my intercourse with home it was a pure feeling towards her This is truth If I lay on my deathbed at the present moment and knew that at the Judgment Day I should be tried by the truth or falsehood of the lines just written I could say with my last breath So be it let them remain
But what mattered my love for her However worthy of it she might be I had misplaced it because chance—the same chance which might have given her station and family—had placed her in a rank of life far—too far—below mine As the daughter of a gentleman my fathers welcome my fathers affection would have been bestowed on her when I took her home as my wife As the daughter of a tradesman my fathers anger my fathers misery my own ruin perhaps besides would be the fatal dower that a marriage would confer on her What made all this difference A social prejudice Yes but a prejudice which had been a principle—nay more a religion—in our house since my birth and for centuries before it
How strange that foresight of love which precipitates the future into the present Here was I thinking of her as my wife before perhaps she had a suspicion of the passion with which she had inspired me—vexing my heart wearying my thoughts before I had even spoken to her as if the perilous discovery of our marriage were already at hand I have thought since how unnatural I should have considered this if I had read it in a book
How could I best crush the desire to see her to speak to her on the morrow Should I leave London leave England fly from the temptation no matter where or at what sacrifice Or should I take refuge in my books—the calm changeless old friends of my earliest fireside hours Had I resolution enough to wear my heart out by hard serious slaving study If I left London on the morrow could I feel secure in my own conscience that I should not return the day after
While throughout the hours of the night I was thus vainly striving to hold calm counsel with myself the base thought never occurred to me which might have occurred to some other men in my position Why marry the girl because I love her Why with my money my station my opportunities obstinately connect love and marriage as one idea and make a dilemma and a danger where neither need exist Had such a thought as this in the faintest the most shadowy form crossed my mind I should have shrunk from it have shrunk from my self with horror Whatever fresh degradations may be yet in store for me this one consoling and sanctifying remembrance must still be mine My love for Margaret Sherwin was worthy to be offered to the purest and perfectest woman that ever God created
The night advanced—the noises faintly reaching me from the streets sank and ceased—my lamp flickered and went out—I heard the carriage return with Clara from the ball—the first cold clouds of day rose and hid the waning orb of the moon—the air was cooled with its morning freshness the earth was purified with its morning dew—and still I sat by my open window striving with my burning lovethoughts of Margaret striving to think collectedly and usefully—abandoned to a struggle ever renewing yet never changing and always hour after hour a struggle in vain
At last I began to think less and less distinctly—a few moments more and I sank into a restless feverish slumber Then began another and a more perilous ordeal for me—the ordeal of dreams Thoughts and sensations which had been more and more weakly restrained with each succeeding hour of wakefulness now rioted within me in perfect liberation from all control
This is what I dreamed
I stood on a wide plain On one side it was bounded by thick woods whose dark secret depths looked unfathomable to the eye on the other by hills ever rising higher and higher yet until they were lost in bright beautifully white clouds gleaming in refulgent sunlight On the side above the woods the sky was dark and vaporous It seemed as if some thick exhalation had arisen from beneath the trees and overspread the clear firmament throughout this portion of the scene
As I still stood on the plain and looked around I saw a woman coming towards me from the wood Her stature was tall her black hair flowed about her unconfined her robe was of the dun hue of the vapour and mist which hung above the trees and fell to her feet in dark thick folds She came on towards me swiftly and softly passing over the ground like cloudshadows over the ripe cornfield or the calm water
I looked to the other side towards the hills and there was another woman descending from their bright summits and her robe was white and pure and glistening Her face was illumined with a light like the light of the harvestmoon and her footsteps as she descended the hills left a long track of brightness that sparkled far behind her like the track of the stars when the winter night is clear and cold She came to the place where the hills and the plain were joined together Then she stopped and I knew that she was watching me from afar off
Meanwhile the woman from the dark wood still approached never pausing on her path like the woman from the fair hills And now I could see her face plainly Her eyes were lustrous and fascinating as the eyes of a serpent—large dark and soft as the eyes of the wild doe Her lips were parted with a languid smile and she drew back the long hair which lay over her cheeks her neck her bosom while I was gazing on her
Then I felt as if a light were shining on me from the other side I turned to look and there was the woman from the hills beckoning me away to ascend with her towards the bright clouds above Her arm as she held it forth shone fair even against the fair hills and from her outstretched hand came long thin rays of trembling light which penetrated to where I stood cooling and calming wherever they touched me
But the woman from the woods still came nearer and nearer until I could feel her hot breath on my face Her eyes looked into mine and fascinated them as she held out her arms to embrace me I touched her hand and in an instant the touch ran through me like fire from head to foot Then still looking intently on me with her wild bright eyes she clasped her supple arms round my neck and drew me a few paces away with her towards the wood
I felt the rays of light that had touched me from the beckoning hand depart and yet once more I looked towards the woman from the hills She was ascending again towards the bright clouds and ever and anon she stopped and turned round wringing her hands and letting her head droop as if in bitter grief The last time I saw her look towards me she was near the clouds She covered her face with her robe and knelt down where she stood After this I discerned no more of her For now the woman from the woods clasped me more closely than before pressing her warm lips on mine and it was as if her long hair fell round us both spreading over my eyes like a veil to hide from them the fair hilltops and the woman who was walking onward to the bright clouds above
I was drawn along in the arms of the dark woman with my blood burning and my breath failing me until we entered the secret recesses that lay amid the unfathomable depths of trees There she encircled me in the folds of her dusky robe and laid her cheek close to mine and murmured a mysterious music in my ear amid the midnight silence and darkness of all around us And I had no thought of returning to the plain again for I had forgotten the woman from the fair hills and had given myself up heart and soul and body to the woman from the dark woods
Here the dream ended and I awoke
It was broad daylight The sun shone brilliantly the sky was cloudless I looked at my watch it had stopped Shortly afterwards I heard the hall clock strike six
My dream was vividly impressed on my memory especially the latter part of it Was it a warning of coming events foreshadowed in the wild visions of sleep But to what purpose could this dream or indeed any dream tend Why had it remained incomplete failing to show me the visionary consequences of my visionary actions What superstition to ask What a waste of attention to bestow it on such a trifle as a dream
Still this trifle had produced one abiding result I knew it not then but I know it now As I looked out on the reviving reassuring sunlight it was easy enough for me to dismiss as ridiculous from my mind or rather from my conscience the tendency to see in the two shadowy forms of my dream the types of two real living beings whose names almost trembled into utterance on my lips but I could not also dismiss from my heart the loveimages which that dream had set up there for the worship of the senses Those results of the night still remained within me growing and strengthening with every minute
If I had been told beforehand how the mere sight of the morning would reanimate and embolden me I should have scouted the prediction as too outrageous for consideration yet so it was The moody and boding reflections the fear and struggle of the hours of darkness were gone with the daylight The lovethoughts of Margaret alone remained and now remained unquestioned and unopposed Were my convictions of a few hours since like the nightmists that fade before returning sunshine I knew not But I was young and each new morning is as much the new life of youth as the new life of Nature
So I left my study and went out Consequences might come how they would and when they would I thought of them no more It seemed as if I had cast off every melancholy thought in leaving my room as if my heart had sprung up more elastic than ever after the burden that had been laid on it during the night Enjoyment for the present hope for the future and chance and fortune to trust in to the very last This was my creed as I walked into the street determined to see Margaret again and to tell her of my love before the day was out In the exhilaration of the fresh air and the gay sunshine I turned my steps towards Hollyoake Square almost as lighthearted as a boy let loose from school joyously repeating Shakespeares lines as I went
Hope is a lovers staff walk hence with that
And manage it against despairing thoughts
IX
London was rousing everywhere into morning activity as I passed through the streets The shutters were being removed from the windows of publichouses the drinkvampyres that suck the life of London were opening their eyes betimes to look abroad for the new days prey Small tobacco and provisionshops in poor neighbourhoods dirty little eatinghouses exhaling greasysmelling steam and displaying a leaf of yesterdays paper stained and flyblown hanging in the windows—were already plying or making ready to ply their daily trade Here a labouring man late for his work hurried by there a hale old gentleman started for his early walk before breakfast Now a marketcart already unloaded passed me on its way back to the country now a cab laden with luggage and carrying pale sleepylooking people rattled by bound for the morning train or the morning steamboat I saw the mighty vitality of the great city renewing itself in every direction and I felt an unwonted interest in the sight It was as if all things on all sides were reflecting before me the aspect of my own heart
But the quiet and torpor of the night still hung over Hollyoake Square That dreary neighbourhood seemed to vindicate its dreariness by being the last to awaken even to a semblance of activity and life Nothing was stirring as yet at North Villa I walked on beyond the last houses into the sooty London fields and tried to think of the course I ought to pursue in order to see Margaret and speak to her before I turned homeward again After the lapse of more than half an hour I returned to the square without plan or project but resolved nevertheless to carry my point
The gardengate of North Villa was now open One of the female servants of the house was standing at it to breathe the fresh air and look about her before the duties of the day began I advanced determined if money and persuasion could do it to secure her services
She was young that was one chance in my favour—plump florid and evidently not by any means careless about her personal appearance that gave me another As she saw me approaching her she smiled and passed her apron hurriedly over her face—carefully polishing it for my inspection much as a broker polishes a piece of furniture when you stop to look at it
Are you in Mr Sherwins service—I asked as I got to the garden gate
As plain cook Sir answered the girl administering to her face a final and furious rub of the apron
Should you be very much surprised if I asked you to do me a great favour
Well—really Sir—youre quite a stranger to me—Im sure I dont know She stopped and transferred the apronrubbing to her arms
I hope we shall not be strangers long Suppose I begin our acquaintance by telling you that you would look prettier in brighter capribbons and asking you to buy some just to see whether I am not right
Its very kind of you to say so Sir and thank you But cap and ribbons are the last things I can buy while Im in this place Masters master and missus too here and drives us half wild with the fuss he makes about our caps and ribbons Hes such an austerious man that he will have our caps as he likes em Its bad enough when a missus meddles with a poor servants ribbons but to have master come down into the kitchen and—Well its no use telling you of it Sir—and—and thank you Sir for what youve given me all the same
I hope this is not the last time I shall make you a present And now I must come to the favour I want to ask of you can you keep a secret
That I can Sir Ive kep a many secrets since Ive been out at service
Well I want you to find me an opportunity of speaking to your young lady—
To Miss Margaret Sir
Yes I want an opportunity of seeing Miss Margaret and speaking to her in private—and not a word must be said to her about it beforehand
Oh Lord Sir I couldnt dare to do it
Come come Cant you guess why I want to see your young lady and what I want to say to her
The girl smiled and shook her head archly Perhaps youre in love with Miss Margaret Sir—But I couldnt do it I couldnt dare to do it
Very well but you can tell me at least whether Miss Margaret ever goes out to take a walk
Oh yes Sir mostly every day
Do you ever go out with her—just to take care of her when no one else can be spared
Dont ask me—please Sir dont She crumpled her apron between her fingers with a very piteous and perplexed air I dont know you and Miss Margaret dont know you Im sure—I couldnt Sir I really couldnt
Take a good look at me Do you think I am likely to do you or your young lady any harm Am I too dangerous a man to be trusted Would you believe me on my promise
Yes Sir Im sure I would—being so kind and so civil to me too a fresh arrangement of the cap followed this speech
Then suppose I promised in the first place not to tell Miss Margaret that I had spoken to you about her at all And suppose I promised in the second place that if you told me when you and Miss Margaret go out together I would only speak to her while she was in your sight and would leave her the moment you wished me to go away Dont you think you could venture to help me if I promised all that
Well Sir that would make a difference to be sure But then its master Im so afraid of—couldnt you speak to master first Sir
Suppose you were in Miss Margarets place would you like to be made love to by your fathers authority without your own wishes being consulted first would you like an offer of marriage delivered like a message by means of your father Come tell me honestly would you
She laughed and shook her head very expressively I knew the strength of my last argument and repeated it Suppose you were in Miss Margarets place
Hush dont speak so loud resumed the girl in a confidential whisper Im sure youre a gentleman I should like to help you—if I could only dare to do it I should indeed
Thats a good girl I said Now tell me when does Miss Margaret go out today and who goes with her
Dear dear—its very wrong to say it but I must Shell go out with me to market this morning at eleven oclock Shes done it for the last week Master dont like it but Missus begged and prayed she might for Missus says she wont be fit to be married if she knows nothing about housekeeping and prices and whats good meat and what isnt and all that you know
Thank you a thousand times you have given me all the help I want Ill be here before eleven waiting for you to come out
Oh please dont Sir—I wish I hadnt told you—I oughtnt indeed I oughtnt
No fear—you shall not lose by what you have told me—I promise all I said I would promise—good bye And mind not a word to Miss Margaret till I see her
As I hurried away I heard the girl run a few paces after me—then stop—then return and close the garden gate softly She had evidently put herself once more in Miss Margarets place and had given up all idea of further resistance as she did so
How should I occupy the hours until eleven oclock Deceit whispered—Go home avoid even the chance of exciting suspicion by breakfasting with your family as usual And as deceit counselled so I acted
I never remember Clara more kind more ready with all those trifling little cares and attentions which have so exquisite a grace when offered by a woman to a man and especially by a sister to a brother as when she and I and my father assembled together at the breakfasttable I now recollect with shame how little I thought about her or spoke to her on that morning with how little hesitation or selfreproach I excused myself from accepting an engagement which she wished to make with me for that day My father was absorbed in some matter of business to him she could not speak It was to me that she addressed all her wonted questions and remarks of the morning I hardly listened to them I answered them carelessly and briefly The moment breakfast was over without a word of explanation I hastily left the house again
As I descended the steps I glanced by accident at the diningroom window Clara was looking after me from it There was the same anxious expression on her face which it had worn when she left me the evening before She smiled as our eyes met—a sad faint smile that made her look unlike herself But it produced no impression on me then I had no attention for anything but my approaching interview with Margaret My life throbbed and burned within me in that direction it was all coldness torpor insensibility in every other
I reached Hollyoake Square nearly an hour before the appointed time In the suspense and impatience of that long interval it was impossible to be a moment in repose I walked incessantly up and down the square and round and round the neighbourhood hearing each quarter chimed from a church clock near and mechanically quickening my pace the nearer the time came for the hour to strike At last I heard the first peal of the eventful eleven Before the clock was silent I had taken up my position within view of the gate of North Villa
Five minutes passed—ten—and no one appeared In my impatience I could almost have rung the bell and entered the house no matter who might be there or what might be the result The first quarter struck and at that very moment I heard the door open and saw Margaret and the servant with whom I had spoken descending the steps
They passed out slowly through the garden gate and walked down the square away from where I was standing The servant noticed me by one significant look as they went on Her young mistress did not appear to see me At first my agitation was so violent that I was perfectly incapable of following them a single step In a few moments I recovered myself and hastened to overtake them before they arrived at a more frequented part of the neighbourhood
As I approached her side Margaret turned suddenly and looked at me with an expression of anger and astonishment in her eyes The next instant her lovely face became tinged all over with a deep burning blush her head drooped a little she hesitated for a moment and then abruptly quickened her pace Did she remember me The mere chance that she did gave me confidence I—
—No I cannot write down the words that I said to her Recollecting the end to which our fatal interview led I recoil at the very thought of exposing to others or of preserving in any permanent form the words in which I first confessed my love It may be pride—miserable useless pride—which animates me with this feeling but I cannot overcome it Remembering what I do I am ashamed to write ashamed to recall what I said at my first interview with Margaret Sherwin I can give no good reason for the sensations which now influence me I cannot analyse them and I would not if I could
Let it be enough to say that I risked everything and spoke to her My words confused as they were came hotly eagerly and eloquently from my heart In the space of a few minutes I confessed to her all and more than all that I have here painfully related in many pages I made use of my name and my rank in life—even now my cheeks burn while I think of it—to dazzle her girls pride to make her listen to me for the sake of my station if she would not for the sake of my suit however honourably urged Never before had I committed the meanness of trusting to my social advantages what I feared to trust to myself It is true that love soars higher than the other passions but it can stoop lower as well
Her answers to all that I urged were confused commonplace and chilling enough I had surprised her—frightened her—it was impossible she could listen to such addresses from a total stranger—it was very wrong of me to speak and of her to stop and hear me—I should remember what became me as a gentleman and should not make such advances to her again—I knew nothing of her—it was impossible I could really care about her in so short a time—she must beg that I would allow her to proceed unhindered
Thus she spoke sometimes standing still sometimes moving hurriedly a few steps forward She might have expressed herself severely even angrily but nothing she could have said would have counteracted the fascination that her presence exercised over me I saw her face lovelier than ever in its confusion in its rapid changes of expression I saw her eloquent eyes once or twice raised to mine then instantly withdrawn again—and so long as I could look at her I cared not what I listened to She was only speaking what she had been educated to speak it was not in her words that I sought the clue to her thoughts and sensations but in the tone of her voice in the language of her eyes in the whole expression of her face All these contained indications which reassured me I tried everything that respect that the persuasion of love could urge to win her consent to our meeting again but she only answered with repetitions of what she had said before walking onward rapidly while she spoke The servant who had hitherto lingered a few paces behind now advanced to her young mistresss side with a significant look as if to remind me of my promise Saying a few parting words I let them proceed at this first interview to have delayed them longer would have been risking too much
As they walked away the servant turned round nodding her head and smiling as if to assure me that I had lost nothing by the forbearance which I had exercised Margaret neither lingered nor looked back This last proof of modesty and reserve so far from discouraging attracted me to her more powerfully than ever After a first interview it was the most becoming virtue she could have shown All my love for her before seemed as nothing compared with my love for her now that she had left me and left me without a parting look
What course should I next pursue Could I expect that Margaret after what she had said would go out again at the same hour on the morrow No she would not so soon abandon the modesty and restraint that she had shown at our first interview How communicate with her how manage most skilfully to make good the first favourable impression which vanity whispered I had already produced I determined to write to her
How different was the writing of that letter to the writing of those oncetreasured pages of my romance which I had now abandoned for ever How slowly I worked how cautiously and diffidently I built up sentence after sentence and doubtingly set a stop here and laboriously rounded off a paragraph there when I toiled in the service of ambition Now when I had given myself up to the service of love how rapidly the pen ran over the paper how much more freely and smoothly the desires of the heart flowed into words than the thoughts of the mind! Composition was an instinct now an art no longer I could write eloquently and yet write without pausing for an expression or blotting a word—It was the slow progress up the hill in the service of ambition it was the swift too swift career down it in the service of love
There is no need to describe the contents of my letter to Margaret they comprised a mere recapitulation of what I had already said to her I insisted often and strongly on the honourable purpose of my suit and ended by entreating her to write an answer and consent to allow me another interview
The letter was delivered by the servant Another present a little more timely persuasion and above all the regard I had shown to my promise won the girl with all her heart to my interests She was ready to help me in every way as long as her interference could be kept a secret from her master
I waited a day for the reply to my letter but none came The servant could give me no explanation of this silence Her young mistress had not said one word to her about me since the morning when we had met Still not discouraged I wrote again The letter contained some lovers threats this time as well as lovers entreaties and it produced its effect—an answer came
It was very short—rather hurriedly and tremblingly written—and simply said that the difference between my rank and hers made it her duty to request of me that neither by word nor by letter should I ever address her again
Difference in rank—that was the only objection then Her duty—it was not from inclination that she refused me So young a creature and yet so noble in selfsacrifice so firm in her integrity I resolved to disobey her injunction and see her again My rank What was my rank Something to cast at Margarets feet for Margaret to trample on
Once more I sought the aid of my faithful ally the servant After delays which half maddened me with impatience insignificant though they were she contrived to fulfil my wishes One afternoon while Mr Sherwin was away at business and while his wife had gone out I succeeded in gaining admission to the garden at the back of the house where Margaret was then occupied in watering some flowers
She started as she saw me and attempted to return to the house I took her hand to detain her She withdrew it but neither abruptly nor angrily I seized the opportunity while she hesitated whether to persist or not in retiring and repeated what I had already said to her at our first interview what is the language of love but a language of repetitions She answered as she had answered me in her letter the difference in our rank made it her duty to discourage me
But if this difference did not exist I said if we were both living in the same rank Margaret—
She looked up quickly then moved away a step or two as I addressed her by her Christian name
Are you offended with me for calling you Margaret so soon I do not think of you as Miss Sherwin but as Margaret—are you offended with me for speaking as I think
No she ought not to be offended with me or with anybody for doing that
Suppose this difference in rank which you so cruelly insist on did not exist would you tell me not to hope not to speak then as coldly as you tell me now
I must not ask her that—it was no use—the difference in rank did exist
Perhaps I have met you too late—perhaps you are already—
No oh no—she stopped abruptly as the words passed her lips The same lovely blush which I had before seen spreading over her face rose on it now She evidently felt that she had unguardedly said too much that she had given me an answer in a case where according to every established lovelaw of the female code I had no right to expect one Her next words accused me—but in very low and broken tones—of having committed an intrusion which she should hardly have expected from a gentleman in my position
I will regain your better opinion I said eagerly catching at the most favourable interpretation of her last words by seeing you for the next time and for all times after with your fathers full permission I will write today and ask for a private interview with him I will tell him all I have told you I will tell him that you take a rank in beauty and goodness which is the highest rank in the land—a far higher rank than mine—the only rank I desire A smile which she vainly strove to repress stole charmingly to her lips Yes I will do this I will never leave him till his answer is favourable—and then what would be yours One word Margaret one word before I go—
I attempted to take her hand a second time but she broke from me and hurried into the house
What more could I desire What more could the modesty and timidity of a young girl concede to me
The moment I reached home I wrote to Mr Sherwin The letter was superscribed Private and simply requested an interview with him on a subject of importance at any hour he might mention Unwilling to trust what I had written to the post I sent my note by a messenger—not one of our own servants caution forbade that—and instructed the man to wait for an answer if Mr Sherwin was out to wait till he came home
After a long delay—long to me for my impatience would fain have turned hours into minutes—I received a reply It was written on giltedged letterpaper in a handwriting vulgarised by innumerable flourishes Mr Sherwin presented his respectful compliments and would be happy to have the honour of seeing me at North Villa if quite convenient at five oclock tomorrow afternoon
I folded up the letter carefully it was almost as precious as a letter from Margaret herself That night I passed sleeplessly revolving in my mind every possible course that I could take at the interview of the morrow It would be a difficult and a delicate business I knew nothing of Mr Sherwins character yet I must trust him with a secret which I dared not trust to my own father Any proposals for paying addresses to his daughter coming from one in my position might appear open to suspicion What could I say about marriage A public acknowledged marriage was impossible a private marriage might be a bold if not fatal proposal I could come to no other conclusion reflect as anxiously as I might than that it was best for me to speak candidly at all hazards I could be candid enough when it suited my purpose
It was not till the next day when the time approached for my interview with Mr Sherwin that I thoroughly roused myself to face the plain necessities of my position Determined to try what impression appearances could make on him I took unusual pains with my dress and more I applied to a friend whom I could rely on as likely to ask no questions—I write this in shame and sorrow I tell truth here where it is hard penance to tell it—I applied I say to a friend for the loan of one of his carriages to take me to North Villa fearing the risk of borrowing my fathers carriage or my sisters—knowing the common weakness of rankworship and wealthworship in men of Mr Sherwins order and meanly determining to profit by it to the utmost My friends carriage was willingly lent me By my directions it took me up at the appointed hour at a shop where I was a regular customer
X
On my arrival at North Villa I was shown into what I presumed was the drawingroom
Everything was oppressively new The brilliantlyvarnished door cracked with a report like a pistol when it was opened the paper on the walls with its gaudy pattern of birds trelliswork and flowers in gold red and green on a white ground looked hardly dry yet the showy windowcurtains of white and skyblue and the still showier carpet of red and yellow seemed as if they had come out of the shop yesterday the round rosewood table was in a painfully high state of polish the moroccobound picture books that lay on it looked as if they had never been moved or opened since they had been bought not one leaf even of the music on the piano was dogseared or worn Never was a richly furnished room more thoroughly comfortless than this—the eye ached at looking round it There was no repose anywhere The print of the Queen hanging lonely on the wall in its heavy gilt frame with a large crown at the top glared on you the paper the curtains the carpet glared on you the books the waxflowers in glasscases the chairs in flaring chintzcovers the china plates on the door the blue and pink glass vases and cups ranged on the chimneypiece the overornamented chiffoniers with Tonbridge toys and longnecked smelling bottles on their upper shelves—all glared on you There was no look of shadow shelter secrecy or retirement in any one nook or corner of those four gaudy walls All surrounding objects seemed startlingly near to the eye much nearer than they really were The room would have given a nervous man the headache before he had been in it a quarter of an hour
I was not kept waiting long Another violent crack from the new door announced the entrance of Mr Sherwin himself
He was a tall thin man rather roundshouldered weak at the knees and trying to conceal the weakness in the breadth of his trowsers He wore a white cravat and an absurdly high shirt collar His complexion was sallow his eyes were small black bright and incessantly in motion—indeed all his features were singularly mobile they were affected by nervous contractions and spasms which were constantly drawing up and down in all directions the brow the mouth and the muscles of the cheek His hair had been black but was now turning to a sort of irongrey it was very dry wiry and plentiful and part of it projected almost horizontally over his forehead He had a habit of stretching it in this direction by irritably combing it out from time to time with his fingers His lips were thin and colourless the lines about them being numerous and strongly marked Had I seen him under ordinary circumstances I should have set him down as a littleminded man a small tyrant in his own way over those dependent on him a pompous parasite to those above him—a great stickler for the conventional respectabilities of life and a great believer in his own infallibility But he was Margarets father and I was determined to be pleased with him
He made me a low and rather a cringing bow—then looked to the window and seeing the carriage waiting for me at his door made another bow and insisted on relieving me of my hat with his own hand This done he coughed and begged to know what he could do for me
I felt some difficulty in opening my business to him It was necessary to speak however at once—I began with an apology
I am afraid Mr Sherwin that this intrusion on the part of a perfect stranger—
Not entirely a stranger Sir if I may be allowed to say so
Indeed
I had the great pleasure Sir and profit and—and indeed advantage—of being shown over your town residence last year when the family were absent from London A very beautiful house—I happen to be acquainted with the steward of your respected father he was kind enough to allow me to walk through the rooms A treat quite an intellectual treat—the furniture and hangings and so on arranged in such a chaste style—and the pictures some of the finest pieces I ever saw—I was delighted—quite delighted indeed
He spoke in undertones laying great stress upon particular words that were evidently favourites with him—such as indeed Not only his eyes but his whole face seemed to be nervously blinking and winking all the time he was addressing me In the embarrassment and anxiety which I then felt this peculiarity fidgetted and bewildered me more than I can describe I would have given the world to have had his back turned before I spoke to him again
I am delighted to hear that my family and my name are not unknown to you Mr Sherwin I resumed Under those circumstances I shall feel less hesitation and difficulty in making you acquainted with the object of my visit
Just so May I offer you anything—a glass of sherry a—
Nothing thank you In the first place Mr Sherwin I have reasons for wishing that this interview whatever results it may lead to may be considered strictly confidential I am sure I can depend on your favouring me thus far
Certainly—most certainly—the strictest secrecy of course—pray go on
He drew his chair a little nearer to me Through all his blinking and winking I could see a latent expression of cunning and curiosity in his eyes My card was in his hand he was nervously rolling and unrolling it without a moments cessation in his anxiety to hear what I had to say
I must also beg you to suspend your judgment until you have heard me to the end You may be disposed to view—to view I say unfavourably at first—in short Mr Sherwin without further preface the object of my visit is connected with your daughter with Miss Margaret Sherwin—
My daughter Bless my soul—God bless my soul I really cant imagine—
He stopped halfbreathless bending forward towards me and crumpling my card between his fingers into the smallest possible dimensions
Rather more than a week ago I continued I accidentally met Miss Sherwin in an omnibus accompanied by a lady older than herself—
My wife Mrs Sherwin he said impatiently motioning with his hand as if Mrs Sherwin were some insignificant obstacle to the conversation which he wished to clear out of the way as fast as possible
You will not probably be surprised to hear that I was struck by Miss Sherwins extreme beauty The impression she made on me was something more however than a mere momentary feeling of admiration To speak candidly I felt—You have heard of such a thing as love at first sight Mr Sherwin
In books Sir He tapped one of the moroccobound volumes on the table and smiled—a curious smile partly deferential and partly sarcastic
You would be inclined to laugh I dare say if I asked you to believe that there is such a thing as love at first sight out of books But without dwelling further on that it is my duty to confess to you in all candour and honesty that the impression Miss Sherwin produced on me was such as to make me desire the privilege of becoming acquainted with her In plain words I discovered her place of residence by following her to this house
Upon my soul this is the most extraordinary proceeding——
Pray hear me out Mr Sherwin you will not condemn my conduct I think if you hear all I have to say
He muttered something unintelligible his complexion turned yellower he dropped my card which he had by this time crushed into fragments and ran his hand rapidly through his hair until he had stretched it out like a penthouse over his forehead—blinking all the time and regarding me with a lowering sinister expression of countenance I saw that it was useless to treat him as I should have treated a gentleman He had evidently put the meanest and the foulest construction upon my delicacy and hesitation in speaking to him so I altered my plan and came to the point abruptly—came to business as he would have called it
I ought to have been plainer Mr Sherwin I ought perhaps to have told you at the outset in so many words that I came to— I was about to say to ask your daughters hand in marriage but a thought of my father moved darkly over my mind at that moment and the words would not pass my lips
Well Sir to what
The tone in which he said this was harsh enough to rouse me It gave me back my selfpossession immediately
To ask your permission to pay my addresses to Miss Sherwin—or to be plainer still if you like to ask of you her hand in marriage
The words were spoken Even if I could have done so I would not have recalled what I had just said but still I trembled in spite of myself as I expressed in plain blunt words what I had only rapturously thought over or delicately hinted at to Margaret up to this time
God bless me cried Mr Sherwin suddenly sitting back bolt upright in his chair and staring at me in such surprise that his restless features were actually struck with immobility for the moment—God bless me this is quite another story Most gratifying most astonishing—highly flattered I am sure highly indeed my dear Sir Dont suppose for one moment I ever doubted your honourable feeling Young gentlemen in your station of life do sometimes fail in respect towards the wives and daughters of their—in short of those who are not in their rank exactly But thats not the question—quite a misunderstanding—extremely stupid of me to be sure Pray let me offer you a glass of wine
No wine thank you Mr Sherwin I must beg your attention a little longer while I state to you in confidence how I am situated with regard to the proposals I have made There are certain circumstances—
Yes—yes
He bent forward again eagerly towards me as he spoke looking more inquisitive and more cunning than ever
I have acknowledged to you Mr Sherwin that I have found means to speak to your daughter—to speak to her twice I made my advances honourably She received them with a modesty and a reluctance worthy of herself worthy of any lady the highest lady in the land Mr Sherwin looked round reverentially to his print of the Queen then looked back at me and bowed solemnly Now although in so many words she directly discouraged me—it is her due that I should say this—still I think I may without vanity venture to hope that she did so as a matter of duty more than as a matter of inclination
Ah—yes yes I understand She would do nothing without my authority of course
No doubt that was one reason why she received me as she did but she had another which she communicated to me in the plainest terms—the difference in our rank of life
Ah she said that did she Exactly so—she saw a difficulty there Yes—yes high principles Sir—high principles thank God
I need hardly tell you Mr Sherwin how deeply I feel the delicate sense of honour which this objection shows on your daughters part You will easily imagine that it is no objection to me personally The happiness of my whole life depends on Miss Sherwin I desire no higher honour as I can conceive no greater happiness than to be your daughters husband I told her this I also told her that I would explain myself on the subject to you She made no objection and I am therefore I think justified in considering that if you authorised the removal of scruples which do her honour at present she would not feel the delicacy she does now at sanctioning my addresses
Very proper—a very proper way of putting it Practical if I may be allowed to say so And now my dear Sir the next point is how about your own honoured family—eh
It is exactly there that the difficulty lies My father on whom I am dependent as the younger son has very strong prejudices—convictions I ought perhaps to call them—on the subject of social inequalities
Quite so—most natural most becoming indeed on the part of your respected father I honour his convictions sir Such estates such houses such a family as his—connected I believe with the nobility especially on your late lamented mothers side My dear Sir I emphatically repeat it your fathers convictions do him honour I respect them as much as I respect him I do indeed
I am glad you can view my fathers ideas on social subjects in so favourable a light Mr Sherwin You will be less surprised to hear how they are likely to affect me in the step I am now taking
He disapproves of it of course—strongly perhaps Well though my dear girl is worthy of any station and a man like me devoted to mercantile interests may hold his head up anywhere as one of the props of this commercial country he ran his fingers rapidly through his hair and tried to look independent still I am prepared to admit under all the circumstances—I say under all the circumstances—that his disapproval is very natural and was very much to be expected—very much indeed
He has expressed no disapproval Mr Sherwin
You dont say so
I have not given him an opportunity My meeting with your daughter has been kept a profound secret from him and from every member of my family and a secret it must remain I speak from my intimate knowledge of my father when I say that I hardly know of any means that he would not be capable of employing to frustrate the purpose of this visit if I had mentioned it to him He has been the kindest and best of fathers to me but I firmly believe that if I waited for his consent no entreaties of mine or of any one belonging to me would induce him to give his sanction to the marriage I have come to you to propose
Bless my soul this is carrying things rather far though—dependent as you are on him and all that Why what on earth can we do—eh
We must keep both the courtship and the marriage secret
Secret Good gracious I dont at all see my way—
Yes secret—a profound secret among ourselves until I can divulge my marriage to my father with the best chance of—
But I tell you Sir I cant see my way through it at all Chance what chance would there be after what you have told me
There might be many chances For instance when the marriage was solemnised I might introduce your daughter to my fathers notice—without disclosing who she was—and leave her gradually and unsuspectedly to win his affection and respect as with her beauty elegance and amiability she could not fail to do while I waited until the occasion was ripe for confessing everything Then if I said to him This young lady who has so interested and delighted you is my wife do you think with that powerful argument in my favour he could fail to give us his pardon If on the other hand I could only say This young lady is about to become my wife his prejudices would assuredly induce him to recall his most favourable impressions and refuse his consent In short Mr Sherwin before marriage it would be impossible to move him—after marriage when opposition could no longer be of any avail it would be quite a different thing we might be sure of producing sooner or later the most favourable results This is why it would be absolutely necessary to keep our union secret at first
I wondered then—I have since wondered more—how it was that I contrived to speak thus so smoothly and so unhesitatingly when my conscience was giving the lie all the while to every word I uttered
Yes yes I see—oh yes I see said Mr Sherwin rattling a bunch of keys in his pocket with an expression of considerable perplexity but this is a ticklish business you know—a very queer and ticklish business indeed To have a gentleman of your birth and breeding for a soninlaw is of course—but then there is the money question Suppose you failed with your father after all—my money is out in my speculations—I can do nothing Upon my word you have placed me in a position that I never was placed in before
I have influential friends Mr Sherwin in many directions—there are appointments good appointments which would be open to me if I pushed my interests I might provide in this way against the chance of failure
Ah—well—yes Theres something in that certainly
I can only assure you that my attachment to Miss Sherwin is not of a nature to be overcome by any pecuniary considerations I speak in all our interests when I say that a private marriage gives us a chance for the future as opportunities arise of gradually disclosing it My offer to you may be made under some disadvantages and difficulties perhaps for with the exception of a very small independence left me by my mother I have no certain prospects But I really think my proposals have some compensating advantages to recommend them—
Certainly most decidedly so I am not insensible my dear Sir to the great advantage and honour and so forth But there is something so unusual about the whole affair What would be my feelings if your father should not come round and my dear girl was disowned by the family Well well that could hardly happen I think with her accomplishments and education and manners too so distinguished—though perhaps I ought not to say so Her schooling alone was a hundred ayear Sir without including extras—
I am sure Mr Sherwin—
—A school Sir where it was a rule to take in no thing lower than the daughter of a professional man—they only waived the rule in my case—the most genteel school perhaps in all London A drawingroomdeportment day once every week—the girls taught how to enter a room and leave a room with dignity and ease—a model of a carriage door and steps in the back drawingroom to practise the girls with the footman of the establishment in attendance in getting into a carriage and getting out again in a ladylike manner No duchess has had a better education than my Margaret—
Permit me to assure you Mr Sherwin—
And then her knowledge of languages—her French and Italian and German not discontinued in holidays or after she left school she has only just left it but all kept up and improved every evening by the kind attention of Mr Mannion—
May I ask who Mr Mannion is The tone in which I put this question cooled his enthusiasm about his daughters education immediately He answered in his former tones and with one of his former bows
Mr Mannion is my confidential clerk Sir—a most superior person most highly talented and well read and all that
Is he a young man
Young Oh dear no Mr Mannion is forty or a year or two more if hes a day—an admirable man of business as well as a great scholar Hes at Lyons now buying silks for me When he comes back I shall be delighted to introduce—
I beg your pardon but I think we are wandering away from the point a little
I beg yours—so we are Well my dear Sir I must be allowed a day or two—say two days—to ascertain what my daughters feelings are and to consider your proposals which have taken me very much by surprise as you may in fact see But I assure you I am most flattered most honoured most anxious—
I hope you will consider my anxieties Mr Sherwin and let me know the result of your deliberations as soon as possible
Without fail depend upon it Let me see shall we say the second day from this at the same time if you can favour me with a visit
Certainly
And between that time and this you will engage not to hold any communication with my daughter
I promise not Mr Sherwin—because I believe that your answer will be favourable
Ah well—well lovers they say should never despair A little consideration and a little talk with my dear girl—really now wont you change your mind and have a glass of sherry No again Very well then the day after tomorrow at five oclock
With a louder crack than ever the brandnew drawingroom door was opened to let me out The noise was instantly succeeded by the rustling of a silk dress and the banging of another door at the opposite end of the passage Had anybody been listening Where was Margaret
Mr Sherwin stood at the gardengate to watch my departure and to make his farewell bow Thick as was the atmosphere of illusion in which I now lived I shuddered involuntarily as I returned his parting salute and thought of him as my fatherinlaw
XI
The nearer I approached to our own door the more reluctance I felt to pass the short interval between my first and second interview with Mr Sherwin at home When I entered the house this reluctance increased to something almost like dread I felt unwilling and unfit to meet the eyes of my nearest and dearest relatives It was a relief to me to hear that my father was not at home My sister was in the house the servant said she had just gone into the library and inquired whether he should tell her that I had come in I desired him not to disturb her as it was my intention to go out again immediately
I went into my study and wrote a short note there to Clara merely telling her that I should be absent in the country for two days I had sealed and laid it on the table for the servant to deliver and was about to leave the room when I heard the library door open I instantly drew back and halfclosed my own door again Clara had got the book she wanted and was taking it up to her own sittingroom I waited till she was out of sight and then left the house It was the first time I had ever avoided my sister—my sister who had never in her life asked a question or uttered a word that could annoy me my sister who had confided all her own little secrets to my keeping ever since we had been children As I thought on what I had done I felt a sense of humiliation which was almost punishment enough for the meanness of which I had been guilty
I went round to the stables and had my horse saddled immediately No idea of proceeding in any particular direction occurred to me I simply felt resolved to pass my two days ordeal of suspense away from home—far enough away to keep me faithful to my promise not to see Margaret Soon after I started I left my horse to his own guidance and gave myself up to my thoughts and recollections as one by one they rose within me The animal took the direction which he had been oftenest used to take during my residence in London—the northern road
It was not until I had ridden half a mile beyond the suburbs that I looked round me and discovered towards what part of the country I was proceeding I drew the rein directly and turned my horses head back again towards the south To follow the favourite road which I had so often followed with Clara to stop perhaps at some place where I had often stopped with her was more than I had the courage or the insensibility to do at that moment
I rode as far as Ewell and stopped there the darkness had overtaken me and it was useless to tire my horse by going on any greater distance The next morning I was up almost with sunrise and passed the greater part of the day in walking about among villages lanes and fields just as chance led me During the night many thoughts that I had banished for the last week had returned—those thoughts of evil omen under which the mind seems to ache just as the body aches under a dull heavy pain to which we can assign no particular place or cause Absent from Margaret I had no resource against the oppression that now overcame me I could only endeavour to alleviate it by keeping incessantly in action by walking or riding hour after hour in the vain attempt to quiet the mind by wearying out the body Apprehension of the failure of my application to Mr Sherwin had nothing to do with the vague gloom which now darkened my thoughts they kept too near home for that Besides what I had observed of Margarets father especially during the latter part of my interview with him showed me plainly enough that he was trying to conceal under exaggerated surprise and assumed hesitation his secret desire to profit at once by my offer which whatever conditions might clog it was infinitely more advantageous in a social point of view than any he could have hoped for It was not his delay in accepting my proposals but the burden of deceit the fetters of concealment forced on me by the proposals themselves which now hung heavy on my heart
That evening I left Ewell and rode towards home again as far as Richmond where I remained for the night and the forepart of the next day I reached London in the afternoon and got to North Villa—without going home first—about five oclock
The oppression was still on my spirits Even the sight of the house where Margaret lived failed to invigorate or arouse me
On this occasion when I was shown into the drawingroom both Mr and Mrs Sherwin were awaiting me there On the table was the sherry which had been so perseveringly pressed on me at the last interview and by it a new pound cake Mrs Sherwin was cutting the cake as I came in while her husband watched the process with critical eyes The poor womans weak white fingers trembled as they moved the knife under conjugal inspection
Most happy to see you again—most happy indeed my dear Sir said Mr Sherwin advancing with hospitable smile and outstretched hand Allow me to introduce my better half Mrs S
His wife rose in a hurry and curtseyed leaving the knife sticking in the cake upon which Mr Sherwin with a stern look at her ostentatiously pulled it out and set it down rather violently on the dish
Poor Mrs Sherwin I had hardly noticed her on the day when she got into the omnibus with her daughter—it was as if I now saw her for the first time There is a natural communicativeness about womens emotions A happy woman imperceptibly diffuses her happiness around her she has an influence that is something akin to the influence of a sunshiny day So again the melancholy of a melancholy woman is invariably though silently infectious and Mrs Sherwin was one of this latter order Her pale sickly moistlooking skin her large mild watery lightblue eyes the restless timidity of her expression the mixture of useless hesitation and involuntary rapidity in every one of her actions—all furnished the same significant betrayal of a life of incessant fear and restraint of a disposition full of modest generosities and meek sympathies which had been crushed down past rousing to selfassertion past ever seeing the light There in that mild wan face of hers—in those painful startings and hurryings when she moved in that tremulous faint utterance when she spoke—there I could see one of those ghastly hearttragedies laid open before me which are acted and reacted scene by scene and year by year in the secret theatre of home tragedies which are ever shadowed by the slow falling of the black curtain that drops lower and lower every day—that drops to hide all at last from the hand of death
We have had very beautiful weather lately Sir said Mrs Sherwin almost inaudibly looking as she spoke with anxious eyes towards her husband to see if she was justified in uttering even those piteously commonplace words Very beautiful weather to be sure continued the poor woman as timidly as if she had become a little child again and had been ordered to say her first lesson in a strangers presence
Delightful weather Mrs Sherwin I have been enjoying it for the last two days in the country—in a part of Surrey the neighbourhood of Ewell that I had not seen before
There was a pause Mr Sherwin coughed it was evidently a warning matrimonial peal that he had often rung before—for Mrs Sherwin started and looked up at him directly
As the lady of the house Mrs S it strikes me that you might offer a visitor like this gentleman some cake and wine without making any particular hole in your manners
Oh dear me I beg your pardon Im very sorry Im sure—and she poured out a glass of wine with such a trembling hand that the decanter tinkled all the while against the glass Though I wanted nothing I ate and drank something immediately in common consideration for Mrs Sherwins embarrassment
Mr Sherwin filled himself a glass—held it up admiringly to the light—said Your good health Sir your very good health and drank the wine with the air of a connoisseur and a most expressive smacking of the lips His wife to whom he offered nothing looked at him all the time with the most reverential attention
You are taking nothing yourself Mrs Sherwin I said
Mrs Sherwin Sir interposed her husband never drinks wine and cant digest cake A bad stomach—a very bad stomach Have another glass yourself Wont you indeed This sherry stands me in six shillings a bottle—ought to be firstrate wine at that price and so it is Well if you wont have any more we will proceed to business Ha ha business as I call it pleasure I hope it will be to you
Mrs Sherwin coughed—a very weak small cough halfstifled in its birth
There you are again he said turning fiercely towards her—Coughing again Six months of the doctor—a six months bill to come out of my pocket—and no good done—no good Mrs S
Oh I am much better thank you—it was only a little—
Well Sir the evening after you left me I had what you may call an explanation with my dear girl She was naturally a little confused and—and embarrassed indeed A very serious thing of course to decide at her age and at so short a notice on a point involving the happiness of her whole life to come
Here Mrs Sherwin put her handkerchief to her eyes—quite noiselessly for she had doubtless acquired by long practice the habit of weeping in silence Her husbands quick glance turned on her however immediately with anything but an expression of sympathy
Good God Mrs S whats the use of going on in that way he said indignantly What is there to cry about Margaret isnt ill and isnt unhappy—what on earths the matter now Upon my soul this is a most annoying circumstance and before a visitor too You had better leave me to discuss the matter alone—you always were in the way of business and its my opinion you always will be
Mrs Sherwin prepared without a word of remonstrance to leave the room I sincerely felt for her but could say nothing In the impulse of the moment I rose to open the door for her and immediately repented having done so The action added so much to her embarrassment that she kicked her foot against a chair and uttered a suppressed exclamation of pain as she went out
Mr Sherwin helped himself to a second glass of wine without taking the smallest notice of this
I hope Mrs Sherwin has not hurt herself I said Oh dear no not worth a moments thought—awkwardness and nervousness nothing else—she always was nervous—the doctors all humbugs can do nothing with her—its very sad very sad indeed but theres no help for it
By this time in spite of all my efforts to preserve some respect for him as Margarets father he had sunk to his proper place in my estimation
Well my dear Sir he resumed to go back to where I was interrupted by Mrs S Let me see I was saying that my dear girl was a little confused and so forth As a matter of course I put before her all the advantages which such a connection as yours promised—and at the same time mentioned some of the little embarrassing circumstances—the private marriage you know and all that—besides telling her of certain restrictions in reference to the marriage if it came off which I should feel it my duty as a father to impose and which I shall proceed in short to explain to you As a man of the world my dear Sir you know as well as I do that young ladies dont give very straightforward answers on the subject of their prepossessions in favour of young gentlemen But I got enough out of her to show me that you had made pretty good use of your time—no occasion to despond you know—I leave you to make her speak plain its more in your line than mine more a good deal And now let us come to the business part of the transaction All I have to say is this—if you agree to my proposals then I agree to yours I think thats fair enough—Eh
Quite fair Mr Sherwin
Just so Now in the first place my daughter is too young to be married yet She was only seventeen last birthday
You astonish me I should have imagined her three years older at least
Everybody thinks her older than she is—everybody my dear Sir—and she certainly looks it Shes more formed more developed I may say than most girls at her age However thats not the point The plain fact is shes too young to be married now—too young in a moral point of view too young in an educational point of view too young altogether Well the upshot of this is that I could not give my consent to Margarets marrying until another year is out—say a year from this time One years courtship for the finishing off of her education and the formation of her constitution—you understand me for the formation of her constitution
A year to wait At first this seemed a long trial to endure a trial that ought not to be imposed on me But the next moment the delay appeared in a different light Would it not be the dearest of privileges to be able to see Margaret perhaps every day perhaps for hours at a time Would it not be happiness enough to observe each development of her character to watch her first maiden love for me advancing nearer and nearer towards confidence and maturity the oftener we met As I thought on this I answered Mr Sherwin without further hesitation
It will be some trial I said to my patience though none to my constancy none to the strength of my affection—I will wait the year
Exactly so rejoined Mr Sherwin such candour and such reasonableness were to be expected from one who is quite the gentleman And now comes my grand difficulty in this business—in fact the little stipulation I have to make
He stopped and ran his fingers through his hair in all directions his features fidgetting and distorting themselves ominously while he looked at me
Pray explain yourself Mr Sherwin Your silence gives me some uneasiness at this particular moment I assure you
Quite so—I understand Now you must promise me not to be huffed—offended I should say—at what I am going to propose
Certainly not
Well then it may seem odd but under all the circumstances—that is to say as far as the case concerns you personally—I want you and my dear girl to be married at once and yet not to be married exactly for another year I dont know whether you understand me
I must confess I do not
He coughed rather uneasily turned to the table and poured out another glass of sherry—his hand trembling a little as he did so He drank off the wine at a draught cleared his throat three or four times after it and then spoke again
Well to be still plainer this is how the matter stands If you were a party in our rank of life coming to court Margaret with your fathers full approval and permission when once you had consented to the years engagement everything would be done and settled the bargain would have been struck on both sides and there would be an end of it But situated as you are I cant stop here safely—I mean I cant end the agreement exactly in this way
He evidently felt that he got fluent on wine and helped himself at this juncture to another glass
You will see what I am driving at my dear Sir directly he continued Suppose now you came courting my daughter for a year as we settled and suppose your father found it out—we should keep it a profound secret of course but still secrets are sometimes found out nobody knows how Suppose I say your father got scent of the thing and the match was broken off where do you think Margarets reputation would be If it happened with somebody in her own station we might explain it all and be believed but happening with somebody in yours what would the world say Would the world believe you had ever intended to marry her Thats the point—thats the point precisely
But the case could not happen—I am astonished you can imagine it possible I have told you already I am of age
Properly urged—very properly indeed But you also told me if you remember when I first had the pleasure of seeing you that your father if he knew of this match would stick at nothing to oppose it—at nothing—I recollect you said so Now knowing this my dear Sir—though I have the most perfect confidence in your honour and your resolution to fulfil your engagement—I cant have confidence in your being prepared beforehand to oppose all your father might do if he found us out because you cant tell yourself what he might be up to or what influence he might set to work over you This sort of mess is not very probable you will say but if its at all possible—and theres a year for it to be possible in—by George Sir I must guard against accidents for my daughters sake—I must indeed
In Heavens name Mr Sherwin pass over all these impossible difficulties of yours and let me hear what you have finally to propose
Gently my dear Sir gently gently gently I propose to begin with that you should marry my daughter—privately marry her—in a weeks time Now pray compose yourself I was looking at him in speechless astonishment Take it easy pray take it easy Supposing then you marry her in this way I make one stipulation I require you to give me your word of honour to leave her at the church door and for the space of one year never to attempt to see her except in the presence of a third party At the end of that time I will engage to give her to you as your wife in fact as well as in name There what do you say to that—eh
I was too astounded too overwhelmed to say anything at that moment Mr Sherwin went on
This plan of mine you see reconciles everything If any accident does happen and we are discovered why your father can do nothing to stop the match because the match will have been already made And at the same time I secure a years delay for the formation of her constitution and the finishing of her accomplishments and so forth Besides what an opportunity this gives of sailing as near the wind as you choose in breaking the thing bit by bit to your father without fear of consequences in case he should run rough after all Upon my honour my dear Sir I think I deserve some credit for hitting on this plan—it makes everything so right and straight and suits of course the wishes of all parties I need hardly say that you shall have every facility for seeing Margaret under the restrictions—under the restrictions you understand People may talk about your visits but having got the certificate and knowing its all safe and settled I shant care for that Well what do you say take time to think if you wish it—only remember that I have the most perfect confidence in your honour and that I act from a fatherly feeling for the interests of my dear girl He stopped out of breath from the extraordinary volubility of his long harangue
Some men more experienced in the world less mastered by love than I was would in my position have recognised this proposal an unfair trial of selfrestraint—perhaps something like an unfair humiliation as well Others have detected the selfish motives which suggested it the mean distrust of my honour integrity and firmness of purpose which it implied and the equally mean anxiety on Sherwins part to clench his profitable bargain at once for fear it might be repented of I discerned nothing of this As soon as I had recovered from the natural astonishment of the first few moments I only saw in the strange plan proposed to me a certainty of assuring—no matter with what sacrifice what hazard or what delay—the ultimate triumph of my love When Mr Sherwin had ceased speaking I replied at once
I accept your conditions—I accept them with all my heart
He was hardly prepared for so complete and so sudden an acquiescence in his proposal and looked absolutely startled by it at first But soon resuming his selfpossession—his wily businesslike selfpossession—he started up and shook me vehemently by the hand
Delighted—most delighted my dear Sir to find how soon we understand each other and that we pull together so well We must have another glass hang it we really must a toast you know a toast you cant help drinking—your wife Ha ha—I had you there—my dear dear Margaret God bless her
We may consider all difficulties finally settled then I said anxious to close my interview with Mr Sherwin as speedily as possible
Decidedly so Done and double done I may say There will be a little insurance on your life that I shall ask you to effect for dear Margarets sake and perhaps a memorandum of agreement engaging to settle a certain proportion of any property you may become possessed of on her and her children You see I am looking forward to my grandfather days already But this can wait for a future occasion—say in a day or two
Then I presume there will be no objection to my seeing Miss Sherwin now
None whatever—at once if you like This way my dear Sir this way and he led me across the passage into the diningroom
This apartment was furnished with less luxury but with more bad taste if possible than the room we had just left Near the window sat Margaret—it was the same window at which I had seen her on the evening when I wandered into the square after our meeting in the omnibus The cage with the canarybird hung in the same place I just noticed—with a momentary surprise—that Mrs Sherwin was sitting far away from her daughter at the other end of the room and then placed myself by Margarets side She was dressed in pale yellow—a colour which gave new splendour to her dark complexion and magnificently dark hair Once more all my doubts all my selfupbraidings vanished and gave place to the exquisite sense of happiness the glow of joy and hope and love which seemed to rush over my heart the moment I looked at her
After staying in the room about five minutes Mr Sherwin whispered to his wife and left us Mrs Sherwin still kept her place but she said nothing and hardly turned to look round at us more than once or twice Perhaps she was occupied by her own thoughts perhaps from a motive of delicacy she abstained even from an appearance of watching her daughter or watching me Whatever feelings influenced her I cared not to speculate on them It was enough that I had the privilege of speaking to Margaret uninterruptedly of declaring my love at last without hesitation and without reserve
How much I had to say to her and how short a time seemed to be left me that evening to say it in How short a time to tell her all the thoughts of the past which she had created in me all the selfsacrifice to which I had cheerfully consented for her sake all the anticipations of future happiness which were concentrated in her which drew their very breath of life only from the prospect of her rewarding love She spoke but little yet even that little it was a new delight to hear She smiled now she let me take her hand and made no attempt to withdraw it The evening had closed in the darkness was stealing fast upon us the still deadstill figure of Mrs Sherwin always in the same place and the same attitude grew fainter and fainter to the eye across the distance of the room—but no thought of time no thought of home ever once crossed my mind I could have sat at the window with Margaret the long night through without an idea of numbering the hours as they passed
Ere long however Mr Sherwin entered the room again and effectually roused me by approaching and speaking to us I saw that I had stayed long enough and that we were not to be left together again that night So I rose and took my leave having first fixed a time for seeing Margaret on the morrow Mr Sherwin accompanied me with great ceremony to the outer door Just as I was leaving him he touched me on the arm and said in his most confidential tones
Come an hour earlier tomorrow and well go and get the licence together No objection to that—eh And the marriage shall we say this day week Just as you like you know—dont let me seem to dictate Ah no objection to that either I see and no objection on Margarets side Ill warrant With respect to consents in the marrying part of the business theres complete mutuality—isnt there Good night God bless you
XII
That night I went home with none of the reluctance or the apprehension which I had felt on the last occasion when I approached our own door The assurance of success contained in the events of the afternoon gave me a trust in my own selfpossession—a confidence in my own capacity to parry all dangerous questions—which I had not experienced before I cared not how soon or for how long a time I might find myself in company with Clara or my father It was well for the preservation of my secret that I was in this frame of mind for on opening my study door I was astonished to see both of them in my room
Clara was measuring one of my overcrowded bookshelves with a piece of string and was apparently just about to compare the length of it with a vacant space on the wall close by when I came in Seeing me she stopped and looked round significantly at my father who was standing near her with a file of papers in his hand
You may well feel surprised Basil at this invasion of your territory he said with peculiar kindness of manner—you must however apply there to the prime minister of the household pointing to Clara for an explanation I am only the instrument of a domestic conspiracy on your sisters part
Clara seemed doubtful whether she should speak It was the first time I had ever seen such an expression in her face when she looked into mine
We are discovered papa she said after a momentary silence and we must explain but you know I always leave as many explanations as I can to you
Very well said my father smiling my task in this instance will be an easy one I was intercepted Basil on my way to my own room by your sister and taken in here to advise about a new set of bookcases for you when I ought to have been attending to my own money matters Claras idea was to have had these new bookcases made in secret and put up as a surprise some day when you were not at home However as you have caught her in the act of measuring spaces with all the skill of an experienced carpenter and all the impetuosity of an arbitrary young lady who rules supreme over everybody further concealment is out of the question We must make a virtue of necessity and confess everything
Poor Clara This was her only return for ten days utter neglect—and she had been half afraid to tell me of it herself I approached and thanked her not very gratefully I am afraid for I felt too confused to speak freely It seemed like a fatality The more evil I was doing in secret evil to family ties and family principles the more good was unconsciously returned to me by my family through my sisters hands
I made no objection of course to the bookcase plan continued my father More room is really wanted for the volumes on volumes that you have collected about you but I certainly suggested a little delay in the execution of the project The bookcases will at all events not be required here for five months to come This day week we return to the country
I could not repress a start of astonishment and dismay Here was a difficulty which I ought to have provided for but which I had most unaccountably never once thought of although it was now the period of the year at which on all former occasions we had been accustomed to leave London This day week too The very day fixed by Mr Sherwin for my marriage
I am afraid Sir I shall not be able to go with you and Clara so soon as you propose It was my wish to remain in London some time longer I said this in a low voice without venturing to look at my sister But I could not help hearing her exclamation as I spoke and the tone in which she uttered it
My father moved nearer to me a step or two and looked in my face intently with the firm penetrating expression which peculiarly characterized him
This seems an extraordinary resolution he said his tones and manner altering ominously while he spoke I thought your sudden absence for the last two days rather odd but this plan of remaining in London by yourself is really incomprehensible What can you have to do
An excuse—no not an excuse let me call things by their right names in these pages—a lie was rising to my lips but my father checked the utterance of it He detected my embarrassment immediately anxiously as I strove to conceal it
Stop he said coldly while the red flush which meant so much when it rose on his cheek began to appear there for the first time Stop If you must make excuses Basil I must ask no questions You have a secret which you wish to keep from me and I beg you will keep it I have never been accustomed to treat my sons as I would not treat any other gentlemen with whom I may happen to be associated If they have private affairs I cannot interfere with those affairs My trust in their honour is my only guarantee against their deceiving me but in the intercourse of gentlemen that is guarantee enough Remain here as long as you like we shall be happy to see you in the country when you are able to leave town
He turned to Clara I suppose my love you want me no longer While I settle my own matters of business you can arrange about the bookcases with your brother Whatever you wish I shall be glad to do And he left the room without speaking to me or looking at me again I sank into a chair feeling disgraced in my own estimation by the last words he had spoken to me His trust in my honour was his only guarantee against my deceiving him As I thought over that declaration every syllable of it seemed to sear my conscience to brand Hypocrite on my heart
I turned towards my sister She was standing at a little distance from me silent and pale mechanically twisting the measuringstring which she still held between her trembling fingers and fixing her eyes upon me so lovingly so mournfully that my fortitude gave way when I looked at her At that instant I seemed to forget everything that had passed since the day when I first met Margaret and to be restored once more to my old way of life and my old homesympathies My head drooped on my breast and I felt the hot tears forcing themselves into my eyes
Clara stepped quietly to my side and sitting down by me in silence put her arm round my neck
When I was calmer she said gently
I have been very anxious about you Basil and perhaps I have allowed that anxiety to appear more than I ought Perhaps I have been accustomed to exact too much from you—you have been too ready to please me But I have been used to it so long and I have nobody else that I can speak to as I can to you Papa is very kind but he cant be what you are to me exactly and Ralph does not live with us now and cared little about me I am afraid when he did I have friends but friends are not—
She stopped again her voice was failing her For a moment she struggled to keep her selfpossession—struggled as only women can—and succeeded in the effort She pressed her arm closer round my neck but her tones were steadier and clearer when she resumed
It will not be very easy for me to give up our country rides and walks together and the evening talk that we always had at dusk in the old library at the park But I think I can resign all this and go away alone with papa for the first time without making you melancholy by anything I say or do at parting if you will only promise that when you are in any difficulty you will let me be of some use I think I could always be of use because I should always feel an interest in anything that concerned you I dont want to intrude on your secret but if that secret should ever bring you trouble or distress which I hope and pray it may not I want you to have confidence in my being able to help you in some way through any mischances Let me go into the country Basil knowing that you can still put trust in me even though a time should come when you can put trust in no one else—let me know this do let me
I gave her the assurance she desired—gave it with my whole heart She seemed to have recovered all her old influence over me by the few simple words she had spoken The thought crossed my mind whether I ought not in common gratitude to confide my secret to her at once knowing as I did that it would be safe in her keeping however the disclosure might startle or pain her I believe I should have told her all in another minute but for a mere accident—the trifling interruption caused by a knock at the door
It came from one of the servants My father desired to see Clara on some matter connected with their impending departure for the country She was unfit enough to obey such a summons at such a time but with her usual courage in disciplining her own feelings into subserviency to the wishes of any one whom she loved she determined to obey immediately the message which had been delivered to her A few moments of silence a slight trembling soon repressed a parting kiss for me these few farewell words of encouragement at the door Dont grieve about what papa has said you have made me feel happy about you Basil I will make him feel happy too and Clara was gone
With those few minutes of interruption the time for the disclosure of my secret had passed by As soon as my sister was out of the room my former reluctance to trust it to homekeeping returned and remained unchanged throughout the whole of the long years probation which I had engaged to pass But this mattered little As events turned out if I had told Clara all the end would have come in the same way the fatality would have been accomplished by the same means
I went out shortly after my sister had left me I could give myself to no occupation at home for the rest of that night and I knew that it would be useless to attempt to sleep just then As I walked through the streets bitter thoughts against my father rose in my mind—bitter thoughts against his inexorable family pride which imposed on me the concealment and secrecy under the oppression of which I had already suffered so much—bitter thoughts against those social tyrannies which take no account of human sympathy and human love and which my father now impersonated as it were to my ideas Gradually these reflections merged in others that were better I thought of Clara again consoling myself with the belief that however my father might receive the news of my marriage I might count upon my sister as certain to love my wife and be kind to her for my sake This thought led my heart back to Margaret—led it gently and happily I went home calmed and reassured again—at least for the rest of the night
The events of that week so fraught with importance for the future of my life passed with ominous rapidity
The marriage license was procured all remaining preliminaries with Mr Sherwin were adjusted I saw Margaret every day and gave myself up more and more unreservedly to the charm that she exercised over me at each succeeding interview At home the bustle of approaching departure the farewell visitings the multitudinous minor arrangements preceding a journey to the country seemed to hurry the hours on faster and faster as the parting day for Clara and the marriage day for me drew near Incessant interruptions prevented any more lengthened or private conversations with my sister and my father was hardly ever accessible for more than five minutes together even to those who specially wished to speak with him Nothing arose to embarrass or alarm me now out of my intercourse with home
The day came I had not slept during the night that preceded it so I rose early to look out on the morning
It is strange how frequently that instinctive belief in omens and predestinations which we flippantly term Superstition asserts its natural prerogative even over minds trained to repel it at the moment of some great event in our lives I believe this has happened to many more men than ever confessed it and it happened to me At any former period of my life I should have laughed at the bare imputation of a superstitious feeling ever having risen in my mind But now as I looked on the sky and saw the black clouds that overspread the whole firmament and the heavy rain that poured down from them an irrepressible sinking of the heart came over me For the last ten days the sun had shone almost uninterruptedly—with my marriageday came the cloud the mist and the rain I tried to laugh myself out of the forebodings which this suggested and tried in vain
The departure for the country was to take place at an early hour We all breakfasted together the meal was hurried over comfortlessly and silently My father was either writing notes or examining the stewards accounts almost the whole time and Clara was evidently incapable of uttering a single word without risking the loss of her selfpossession The silence was so complete while we sat together at the table that the fall of the rain outside which had grown softer and thicker as the morning advanced and the quick quiet tread of the servants as they moved about the room were audible with a painful distinctness The oppression of our last family breakfast in London for that year had an influence of wretchedness which I cannot describe—which I can never forget
At last the hour of starting came Clara seemed afraid to trust herself even to look at me now She hurriedly drew down her veil the moment the carriage was announced My father shook hands with me rather coldly I had hoped he would have said something at parting but he only bade me farewell in the simplest and shortest manner I had rather he would have spoken to me in anger than restrained himself as he did to what the commonest forms of courtesy required There was but one more slight after this that he could cast on me and he did not spare it While my sister was taking leave of me he waited at the door of the room to lead her down stairs as if he knew by intuition that this was the last little parting attention which I had hoped to show her myself
Clara whispered in such low trembling tones that I could hardly hear her
Think of what you promised in your study Basil whenever you think of me I will write often
As she raised her veil for a moment and kissed me I felt on my own cheek the tears that were falling fast over hers I followed her and my father down stairs When they reached the street she gave me her hand—it was cold and powerless I knew that the fortitude she had promised to show was giving way in spite of all her efforts to preserve it so I let her hurry into the carriage without detaining her by any last words The next instant she and my father were driven rapidly from the door
When I reentered the house my watch showed me that I had still an hour to wait before it was time to go to North Villa
Between the different emotions produced by my impressions of the scene I had just passed through and my anticipations of the scene that was yet to come I suffered in that one hour as much mental conflict as most men suffer in a life It seemed as if I were living out all my feelings in this short interval of delay and must die at heart when it was over My restlessness was a torture to me and yet I could not overcome it I wandered through the house from room to room stopping nowhere I took down book after book from the library opened them to read and put them back on the shelves the next instant Over and over again I walked to the window to occupy myself with what was passing in the street and each time I could not stay there for one minute together I went into the picturegallery looked along the walls and yet knew not what I was looking at At last I wandered into my fathers study—the only room I had not yet visited
A portrait of my mother hung over the fireplace my eyes turned towards it and for the first time I came to a long pause The picture had an influence that quieted me but what influence I hardly knew Perhaps it led my spirit up to the spirit that had gone from us—perhaps those secret voices from the unknown world which only the soul can listen to were loosed at that moment and spoke within me While I sat looking up at the portrait I grew strangely and suddenly calm before it My memory flew back to a long illness that I had suffered from as a child when my little cradlecouch was placed by my mothers bedside and she used to sit by me in the dull evenings and hush me to sleep The remembrance of this brought with it a dread imagining that she might now be hushing my spirit from her place among the angels of God A stillness and awe crept over me and I hid my face in my hands
The striking of the hour from a clock in the room startled me back to the outer world I left the house and went at once to North Villa
Margaret and her father and mother were in the drawingroom when I entered it I saw immediately that neither of the two latter had passed the morning calmly The impending event of the day had exercised its agitating influence over them as well as over me Mrs Sherwins face was pale to her very lips not a word escaped her Mr Sherwin endeavoured to assume the selfpossession which he was evidently far from feeling by walking briskly up and down the room and talking incessantly—asking the most commonplace questions and making the most commonplace jokes Margaret to my surprise showed fewer symptoms of agitation than either of her parents Except when the colour came and went occasionally on her cheek I could detect no outward evidences of emotion in her at all
The church was near at hand As we proceeded to it the rain fell heavily and the mist of the morning was thickening to a fog We had to wait in the vestry for the officiating clergyman All the gloom and dampness of the day seemed to be collected in this room—a dark cold melancholy place with one window which opened on a burialground steaming in the wet The rain pattered monotonously on the pavement outside While Mr Sherwin exchanged remarks on the weather with the clerk a tall lean man arrayed in a black gown I sat silent near Mrs Sherwin and Margaret looking with mechanical attention at the white surplices which hung before me in a halfopened cupboard—at the bottle of water and tumbler and the longshaped books bound in brown leather which were on the table I was incapable of speaking—incapable even of thinking—during that interval of expectation
At length the clergyman arrived and we went into the church—the church with its desolate array of empty pews and its chill heavy weekday atmosphere As we ranged ourselves round the altar a confusion overspread all my faculties My sense of the place I was in and even of the ceremony in which I took part grew more and more vague and doubtful every minute My attention wandered throughout the whole service I stammered and made mistakes in uttering the responses Once or twice I detected myself in feeling impatient at the slow progress of the ceremony—it seemed to be doubly trebly longer than its usual length Mixed up with this impression was another wild and monstrous as if it had been produced by a dream—an impression that my father had discovered my secret and was watching me from some hidden place in the church watching through the service to denounce and abandon me publicly at the end This morbid fancy grew and grew on me until the termination of the ceremony until we had left the church and returned to the vestry once more
The fees were paid we wrote our names in the books and on the certificate the clergyman quietly wished me happiness the clerk solemnly imitated him the pewopener smiled and curtseyed Mr Sherwin made congratulatory speeches kissed his daughter shook hands with me frowned a private rebuke at his wife for shedding tears and finally led the way with Margaret out of the vestry The rain was still falling as they got into the carriage The fog was still thickening as I stood alone under the portico of the church and tried to realise to myself that I was married
Married The son of the proudest man in England the inheritor of a name written on the roll of Battle Abbey wedded to a linendrapers daughter And what a marriage What a condition weighed on it What a probation was now to follow it Why had I consented so easily to Mr Sherwins proposals Would he not have given way if I had only been resolute enough to insist on my own conditions
How useless to inquire I had made the engagement and must abide by it—abide by it cheerfully until the year was over and she was mine for ever This must be my allsufficing thought for the future No more reflections on consequences no more forebodings about the effect of the disclosure of my secret on my family—the leap into a new life had been taken and lead where it might it was a leap that could never be retraced
Mr Sherwin had insisted with the immovable obstinacy which characterises all feebleminded people in the management of their important affairs that the first clause in our agreement the leaving my wife at the churchdoor should be performed to the letter As a due compensation for this I was to dine at North Villa that day How should I employ the interval that was to elapse before the dinnerhour
I went home and had my horse saddled I was in no mood for remaining in an empty house in no mood for calling on any of my friends—I was fit for nothing but a gallop through the rain All my wearing and depressing emotions of the morning had now merged into a wild excitement of body and mind When the horse was brought round I saw with delight that the groom could hardly hold him Keep him well in hand Sir said the man hes not been out for three days I was just in the humour for such a ride as the caution promised me
And what a ride it was when I fairly got out of London and the afternoon brightening of the foggy atmosphere showed the smooth empty high road before me The dashing through the rain that still fell the feel of the long powerful regular stride of the horse under me the thrill of that physical sympathy which establishes itself between the man and the steed the whirling past carts and waggons saluted by the frantic barking of dogs inside them the flying by roadside alehouses with the cheering of boys and halfdrunken men sounding for an instant behind me then lost in the distance—this was indeed to occupy to hurry on to annihilate the tardy hours of solitude on my wedding day exactly as my heart desired
I got home wet through but with my body in a glow from the exercise with my spirits boiling up at fever heat When I arrived at North Villa the change in my manner astonished every one At dinner I required no pressing now to partake of the sherry which Mr Sherwin was so fond of extolling nor of the port which he brought out afterwards with a preliminary account of the vintagedate of the wine and the price of each bottle My spirits factitious as they were never flagged Every time I looked at Margaret the sight of her stimulated them afresh She seemed preoccupied and was unusually silent during dinner but her beauty was just that voluptuous beauty which is loveliest in repose I had never felt its influence so powerful over me as I felt it then
In the drawingroom Margarets manner grew more familiar more confident towards me than it had ever been before She spoke to me in warmer tones looked at me with warmer looks A hundred little incidents marked our weddingevening—trifles that love treasures up—which still remain in my memory One among them at least will never depart from it I first kissed her on that evening
Mr Sherwin had gone out of the room Mrs Sherwin was at the other end of it watering some plants at the window Margaret by her fathers desire was showing me some rare prints She handed me a magnifying glass through which I was to look at a particular part of one of the engravings that was considered a masterpiece of delicate workmanship Instead of applying the magnifying test to the print for which I cared nothing I laughingly applied it to Margarets face Her lovely lustrous black eye seemed to flash into mine through the glass her warm quick breathing played on my cheek—it was but for an instant and in that instant I kissed her for the first time What sensations the kiss gave me then—what remembrances it has left me now
It was one more proof how tenderly how purely I loved her that before this time I had feared to take the first loveprivilege which I had longed to assert and might well have asserted before Men may not understand this women I believe will
The hour of departure arrived the inexorable hour which was to separate me from my wife on my wedding evening Shall I confess what I felt on the first performance of my illconsidered promise to Mr Sherwin No I kept this a secret from Margaret I will keep it a secret here
I took leave of her as hurriedly and abruptly as possible—I could not trust myself to quit her in any other way She had contrived to slip aside into the darkest part of the room so that I only saw her face dimly at parting
I went home at once When I lay down to sleep—then the ordeal which I had been unconsciously preparing for myself throughout the day began to try me Every nerve in my body strung up to the extremest point of tension since the morning now at last gave way I felt my limbs quivering till the bed shook under me I was possessed by a gloom and horror caused by no thought and producing no thought the thinking faculty seemed paralysed within me altogether The physical and mental reaction after the fever and agitation of the day was so sudden and severe that the faintest noise from the street now terrified—yes literally terrified me The whistling of the wind—which had risen since sunset—made me start up in bed with my heart throbbing and my blood all chill When no sounds were audible then I listened for them to come—listened breathlessly without daring to move At last the agony of nervous prostration grew more than I could bear—grew worse even than the childs horror of walking in the darkness and sleeping alone on the bedroom floor which had overcome me almost from the first moment when I laid down I groped my way to the table and lit the candle again then wrapped my dressinggown round me and sat shuddering near the light to watch the weary hours out till morning
And this was my weddingnight This was how the day ended which had begun by my marriage with Margaret Sherwin
PART II
I
AN epoch in my narrative has now arrived Up to the time of my marriage I have appeared as an active agent in the different events I have described After that period and—with one or two exceptional cases—throughout the whole year of my probation my position changed with the change in my life and became a passive one
During this interval year certain events happened some of which at the time excited my curiosity but none my apprehension—some affected me with a temporary disappointment but none with even a momentary suspicion I can now look back on them as so many timely warnings which I treated with fatal neglect It is in these events that the history of the long year through which I waited to claim my wife as my own is really comprised They marked the lapse of time broadly and significantly and to them I must now confine myself as exclusively as may be in the present portion of my narrative
It will be first necessary however that I should describe what was the nature of my intercourse with Margaret during the probationary period which followed our marriage
Mr Sherwins anxiety was to make my visits to North Villa as few as possible he evidently feared the consequences of my seeing his daughter too often But on this point I was resolute enough in asserting my own interests to overpower any resistance on his part I required him to concede to me the right of seeing Margaret every day—leaving all arrangements of time to depend on his own convenience After the due number of objections he reluctantly acquiesced in my demand I was bound by no engagement whatever limiting the number of my visits to Margaret and I let him see at the outset that I was now ready in my turn to impose conditions on him as he had already imposed them on me
Accordingly it was settled that Margaret and I were to meet every day I usually saw her in the evening When any alteration in the hour of my visit took place that alteration was produced by the necessity which we all recognised alike of avoiding a meeting with any of Mr Sherwins friends
Those portions of the day or the evening which I spent with Margaret were seldom passed altogether in the Elysian idleness of love Not content with only enumerating his daughters schoolaccomplishments to me at our first interview Mr Sherwin boastfully referred to them again and again on many subsequent occasions and even obliged Margaret to display before me some of her knowledge of languages—which he never forgot to remind us had been lavishly paid for out of his own pocket It was at one of these exhibitions that the idea occurred to me of making a new pleasure for myself out of Margarets society by teaching her really to appreciate and enjoy the literature which she had evidently hitherto only studied as a task My fancy revelled by anticipation in all the delights of such an employment as this It would be like acting the story of Abelard and Heloise over again—reviving all the poetry and romance in which those immortal lovestudies of old had begun with none of the guilt and none of the misery that had darkened their end
I had a definite purpose besides in wishing to assume the direction of Margarets studies Whenever the secret of my marriage was revealed my pride was concerned in being able to show my wife to every one as the allsufficient excuse for any imprudence I might have committed for her sake I was determined that my father especially should have no other argument against her than the one ungracious argument of her birth—that he should see her fitted by the beauty of her mind as well as by all her other beauties for the highest station that society could offer The thought of this gave me fresh ardour in my project I assumed my new duties without delay and continued them with a happiness which never once suffered even a momentary decrease
Of all the pleasures which a man finds in the society of a woman whom he loves are there any superior are there many equal to the pleasure of reading out of the same book with her On what other occasion do the sweet familiarities of the sweetest of all companionships last so long without cloying and pass and repass so naturally so delicately so inexhaustibly between you and her When is your face so constantly close to hers as it is then—when can your hair mingle with hers your cheek touch hers your eyes meet hers so often as they can then That is of all times the only time when you can breathe with her breath for hours together feel every little warming of the colour on her cheek marking its own changes on the temperature of yours follow every slight fluttering of her bosom every faint gradation of her sighs as if her heart was beating her life glowing within yours Surely it is then—if ever—that we realize almost revive in ourselves the love of the first two of our race when angels walked with them on the same garden paths and their hearts were pure from the pollution of the fatal tree
Evening after evening passed away—one more happily than another—in what Margaret and I called our lessons Never were lessons of literature so like lessons of love We read oftenest the lighter Italian poets—we studied the poetry of love written in the language of love But as for the steady utilitarian purpose I had proposed to myself of practically improving Margarets intellect that was a purpose which insensibly and deceitfully abandoned me as completely as if it had never existed The little serious teaching I tried with her at first led to very poor results Perhaps the lover interfered too much with the tutor perhaps I had overestimated the fertility of the faculties I designed to cultivate—but I cared not and thought not to inquire where the fault lay then I gave myself up unreservedly to the exquisite sensations which the mere act of looking on the same page with Margaret procured for me and neither detected nor wished to detect that it was I who read the difficult passages and left only a few even of the very easiest to be attempted by her
Happily for my patience under the trial imposed on me by the terms on which Mr Sherwins restrictions and my promise to obey them obliged me to live with Margaret it was Mrs Sherwin who was generally selected to remain in the room with us By no one could such ungrateful duties of supervision as those imposed on her have been more delicately and more considerately performed
She always kept far enough away to be out of hearing when we whispered to each other We rarely detected her even in looking at us She had a way of sitting for hours together in the same part of the room without ever changing her position without occupation of any kind without uttering a word or breathing a sigh I soon discovered that she was not lost in thought at these periods as I had at first supposed but lost in a strange lethargy of body and mind a comfortless waking trance into which she fell from sheer physical weakness—it was like the vacancy and feebleness of a first convalescence after a long illness She never changed never looked better never worse I often spoke to her I tried hard to show my sympathy and win her confidence and friendship The poor lady was always thankful always spoke to me gratefully and kindly but very briefly She never told me what were her sufferings or her sorrows The story of that lonely lingering life was an impenetrable mystery for her own family—for her husband and her daughter as well as for me It was a secret between her and God
With Mrs Sherwin as the guardian to watch over Margaret it may easily be imagined that I felt none of the heavier oppressions of restraint Her presence as the third person appointed to remain with us was not enough to repress the little endearments to which each evenings lesson gave rise but was just sufficiently perceptible to invest them with the character of stolen endearments and to make them all the more precious on that very account Mrs Sherwin never knew I never thoroughly knew myself till later how much of the secret of my patience under my years probation lay in her conduct while she was sitting in the room with Margaret and me
In this solitude where I now write—in the change of life and of all lifes hopes and enjoyments which has come over me—when I look back to those evenings at North Villa I shudder as I look At this moment I see the room again—as in a dream—with the little round table the reading lamp and the open books Margaret and I are sitting together her hand is in mine my heart is with hers Love and Youth and Beauty—the mortal Trinity of this worlds worship—are there in that quiet softlylit room but not alone Away in the dim light behind is a solitary figure ever mournful and ever still It is a womans form but how wasted and how weak—a womans face but how ghastly and changeless with those eyes that are vacant those lips that are motionless those cheeks that the blood never tinges that the freshness of health and happiness shall never visit again Woeful warning figure of dumb sorrow and patient pain to fill the background of a picture of Love and Beauty and Youth
I am straying from my task Let me return to my narrative its course begins to darken before me apace while I now write
The partial restraint and embarrassment caused at first by the strange terms on which my wife and I were living together gradually vanished before the frequency of my visits to North Villa We soon began to speak with all the ease all the unpremeditated frankness of a long intimacy Margarets powers of conversation were generally only employed to lead me to exert mine She was never tired of inducing me to speak of my family She listened with every appearance of interest while I talked of my father my sister or my elder brother but whenever she questioned me directly about any of them her inquiries invariably led away from their characters and dispositions to their personal appearance their everyday habits their dress their intercourse with the gay world the things they spent their money on and other topics of a similar nature
For instance she always listened and listened attentively to what I told her of my fathers character and of the principles which regulated his life She showed every disposition to profit by the instructions I gave her beforehand about how she should treat his peculiarities when she was introduced to him But on all these occasions what really interested her most was to hear how many servants waited on him how often he went to Court how many lords and ladies he knew what he said or did to his servants when they committed mistakes whether he was ever angry with his children for asking him for money and whether he limited my sister to any given number of dresses in the course of the year
Again whenever our conversation turned on Clara if I began by describing her kindness her gentleness and goodness her simple winning manners—I was sure to be led insensibly into a digression about her height figure complexion and style of dress The latter subject especially interested Margaret she could question me on it over and over again What was Claras usual morning dress How did she wear her hair What was her evening dress Did she make a difference between a dinner party and a ball What colours did she prefer What dressmaker did she employ Did she wear much jewellery Which did she like best in her hair and which were most fashionable flowers or pearls How many new dresses did she have in a year and was there more than one maid especially to attend on her
Then again Had she a carriage of her own What ladies took care of her when she went out Did she like dancing What were the fashionable dances at noblemens houses Did young ladies in the great world practise the pianoforte much How many offers had my sister had Did she go to Court as well as my father What did she talk about to gentlemen and what did gentlemen talk about to her If she were speaking to a duke how often would she say your Grace to him and would a duke get her a chair or an ice and wait on her just as gentlemen without titles waited on ladies when they met them in society
My replies to these and hundreds of other questions like them were received by Margaret with the most eager attention On the favourite subject of Claras dresses my answers were an unending source of amusement and pleasure to her She especially enjoyed overcoming the difficulties of interpreting aright my clumsy circumlocutory phrases in attempting to describe shawls gowns and bonnets and taught me the exact millinery language which I ought to have made use of with an arch expression of triumph and a burlesque earnestness of manner that always enchanted me At that time every word she uttered no matter how frivolous was the sweetest of all music to my ears It was only by the stern test of afterevents that I learnt to analyse her conversation Sometimes when I was away from her I might think of leading her girlish curiosity to higher things but when we met again the thought vanished and it became delight enough for me simply to hear her speak without once caring or considering what she spoke of
Those were the days when I lived happy and unreflecting in the broad sunshine of joy which love showered round me—my eyes were dazzled my mind lay asleep under it Once or twice a cloud came threatening with chill and shadowy influence but it passed away and then the sunshine returned to me the same sunshine that it was before
II
The first change that passed over the calm uniformity of the life at North Villa came in this manner
One evening on entering the drawingroom I missed Mrs Sherwin and found to my great disappointment that her husband was apparently settled there for the evening He looked a little flurried and was more restless than usual His first words as we met informed me of an event in which he appeared to take the deepest interest
News my dear sir he said Mr Mannion has come back—at least two days before I expected him
At first I felt inclined to ask who Mr Mannion was and what consequence it could possibly be to me that he had come back But immediately afterwards I remembered that this Mr Mannions name had been mentioned during my first conversation with Mr Sherwin and then I recalled to mind the description I had heard of him as confidential clerk as forty years of age and as an educated man who had made his information of some use to Margaret in keeping up the knowledge she had acquired at school I knew no more than this about him and I felt no curiosity to discover more from Mr Sherwin
Margaret and I sat down as usual with our books about us
There had been something a little hurried and abrupt in her manner of receiving me when I came in When we began to read her attention wandered incessantly she looked round several times towards the door Mr Sherwin walked about the room without intermission except when he once paused on his restless course to tell me that Mr Mannion was coming that evening and that he hoped I should have no objection to be introduced to a person who was quite like one of the family and well enough read to be sure to please a great reader like me I asked myself rather impatiently who was this Mr Mannion that his arrival at his employers house should make a sensation When I whispered something of this to Margaret she smiled rather uneasily and said nothing
At last the bell was rung Margaret started a little at the sound Mr Sherwin sat down composing himself into rather an elaborate attitude—the door opened and Mr Mannion came in
Mr Sherwin received his clerk with the assumed superiority of the master in his words but his tones and manner flatly contradicted them Margaret rose hastily and then as hastily sat down again while the visitor very respectfully took her hand and made the usual inquiries After this he was introduced to me and then Margaret was sent away to summon her mother down stairs While she was out of the room there was nothing to distract my attention from Mr Mannion I looked at him with a curiosity and interest Which I could hardly account for at first
If extraordinary regularity of feature were alone sufficient to make a handsome man then this confidential clerk of Mr Sherwins was assuredly one of the handsomest men I ever beheld Viewed separately from the head which was rather large both in front and behind his face exhibited throughout an almost perfect symmetry of proportion His bald forehead was smooth and massive as marble his high brow and thin eyelids had the firmness and immobility of marble and seemed as cold his delicatelyformed lips when he was not speaking closed habitually as changelessly still as if no breath of life ever passed them There was not a wrinkle or line anywhere on his face But for the baldness in front and the greyness of the hair at the back and sides of his head it would have been impossible from his appearance to have guessed his age even within ten years of what it really was
Such was his countenance in point of form but in that which is the outward assertion of our immortality—in expression—it was as I now beheld it an utter void Never had I before seen any human face which baffled all inquiry like his No mask could have been made expressionless enough to resemble it and yet it looked like a mask It told you nothing of his thoughts when he spoke nothing of his disposition when he was silent His cold grey eyes gave you no help in trying to study him They never varied from the steady straightforward look which was exactly the same for Margaret as it was for me for Mrs Sherwin as for Mr Sherwin—exactly the same whether he spoke or whether he listened whether he talked of indifferent or of important matters Who was he What was he His name and calling were poor replies to those questions Was he naturally cold and unimpressible at heart or had some fierce passion some terrible sorrow ravaged the life within him and left it dead for ever after Impossible to conjecture There was the impenetrable face before you wholly inexpressive—so inexpressive that it did not even look vacant—a mystery for your eyes and your mind to dwell on—hiding something but whether vice or virtue you could not tell
He was dressed as unobtrusively as possible entirely in black and was rather above the middle height His manner was the only part of him that betrayed anything to the observation of others Viewed in connection with his station his demeanour unobtrusive though it was proclaimed itself as above his position in the world He had all the quietness and selfpossession of a gentleman He maintained his respectful bearing without the slightest appearance of cringing and displayed a decision both in word and action that could never be mistaken for obstinacy or overconfidence Before I had been in his company five minutes his manner assured me that he must have descended to the position he now occupied
On his introduction to me he bowed without saying anything When he spoke to Mr Sherwin his voice was as void of expression as his face it was rather low in tone but singularly distinct in utterance He spoke deliberately but with no emphasis on particular words and without hesitation in choosing his terms
When Mrs Sherwin came down I watched her conduct towards him She could not repress a slight nervous shrinking when he approached and placed a chair for her In answering his inquiries after her health she never once looked at him but fixed her eyes all the time on Margaret and me with a sad anxious expression wholly indescribable which often recurred to my memory after that day She always looked more or less frightened poor thing in her husbands presence but she seemed positively awestruck before Mr Mannion
In truth my first observation of this socalled clerk at North Villa was enough to convince me that he was master there—master in his own quiet unobtrusive way That mans character of whatever elements it might be composed was a character that ruled I could not see this in his face or detect it in his words but I could discover it in the looks and manners of his employer and his employers family as he now sat at the same table with them Margarets eyes avoided his countenance much less frequently than the eyes of her parents but then he rarely looked at her in return—rarely looked at her at all except when common courtesy obliged him to do so
If any one had told me beforehand that I should suspend my ordinary evenings occupation with my young wife for the sake of observing the very man who had interrupted it and that man only Mr Sherwins clerk I should have laughed at the idea Yet so it was Our books lay neglected on the table—neglected by me perhaps by Margaret too for Mr Mannion
His conversation on this occasion at least baffled all curiosity as completely as his face I tried to lead him to talk He just answered me and that was all speaking with great respect of manner and phrase very intelligibly but very briefly Mr Sherwin—after referring to the business expedition on which he had been absent for the purchase of silks at Lyons—asked him some questions about France and the French which evidently proceeded from the most ludicrous ignorance both of the country and the people Mr Mannion just set him right and did no more There was not the smallest inflection of sarcasm in his voice not the slightest look of sarcasm in his eye while he spoke When we talked among ourselves he did not join in the conversation but sat quietly waiting until he might be pointedly and personally addressed again At these times a suspicion crossed my mind that he might really be studying my character as I was vainly trying to study his and I often turned suddenly round on him to see whether he was looking at me This was never the case His hard chill grey eyes were not on me and not on Margaret they rested most frequently on Mrs Sherwin who always shrank before them
After staying little more than half an hour he rose to go away While Mr Sherwin was vainly pressing him to remain longer I walked to the round table at the other end of the room on which the book was placed that Margaret and I had intended to read during the evening I was standing by the table when he came to take leave of me He just glanced at the volume under my hand and said in tones too low to be heard at the other end of the room
I hope my arrival has not interrupted any occupation tonight Sir Mr Sherwin aware of the interest I must feel in whatever concerns the family of an employer whom I have served for years has informed me in confidence—a confidence which I know how to respect and preserve—of your marriage with his daughter and of the peculiar circumstances under which the marriage has been contracted I may at least venture to congratulate the young lady on a change of life which must procure her happiness having begun already by procuring the increase of her mental resources and pleasures He bowed and pointed to the book on the table
I believe Mr Mannion I said that you have been of great assistance in laying a foundation for the studies to which I presume you refer
I endeavoured to make myself useful in that way Sir as in all others when my employer desired it He bowed again as he said this and then went out followed by Mr Sherwin who held a short colloquy with him in the hall
What had he said to me Only a few civil words spoken in a very respectful manner There had been nothing in his tones nothing in his looks to give any peculiar significance to what he uttered Still the moment his back was turned I found myself speculating whether his words contained any hidden meaning trying to recall something in his voice or manner which might guide me in discovering the real sense he attached to what he said It seemed as if the most powerful whet to my curiosity were supplied by my own experience of the impossibility of penetrating beneath the unassailable surface which this man presented to me
I questioned Margaret about him She could not tell me more than I knew already He had always been very kind and useful he was a clever man and could talk a great deal sometimes when he chose and he had taught her more of foreign languages and foreign literature in a month than she had learned at school in a year While she was telling me this I hardly noticed that she spoke in a very hurried manner and busied herself in arranging the books and work that lay on the table My attention was more closely directed to Mrs Sherwin To my surprise I saw her eagerly lean forward while Margaret was speaking and fix her eyes on her daughter with a look of penetrating scrutiny of which I could never have supposed a person usually so feeble and unenergetic to be capable I thought of transferring to her my questionings on the subject of Mr Mannion but at that moment her husband entered the room and I addressed myself for further enlightenment to him
Aha—cried Mr Sherwin rubbing his hands triumphantly—I knew Mannion would please you I told you so my dear Sir if you remember before he came Curious looking person—isnt he
So curious that I may safely say I never saw a face in the slightest degree resembling his in my life Your clerk Mr Sherwin is a complete walking mystery that I want to solve Margaret cannot give me much help I am afraid When you came in I was about to apply to Mrs Sherwin for a little assistance
Dont do any such thing Youll be quite in the wrong box there Mrs S is as sulky as a bear whenever Mannion and she are in company together Considering her behaviour to him I wonder he can be so civil to her as he is
What can you tell me about him yourself Mr Sherwin
I can tell you theres not a house of business in London has such a managing man as he is hes my factotum—my right hand in short and my left too for the matter of that He understands my ways of doing business and in fact carries things out in firstrate style Why hed be worth his weight in gold only for the knack he has of keeping the young men in the shop in order Poor devils they dont know how he does it but theres a particular look of Mr Mannions thats as bad as transportation and hanging to them whenever they see it Ill pledge you my word of honour hes never had a days illness or made a single mistake since hes been with me Hes a quiet steadygoing regular dragon at his work—he is And then so obliging in other things Ive only got to say to him Heres Margaret at home for the holidays or Heres Margaret a little out of sorts and going to be nursed at home for the halfyear—whats to be done about keeping up her lessons I cant pay for a governess bad lot governesses and school too—Ive only got to say that and up gets Mannion from his books and his fireside at home in the evening—which begins to be something you know to a man of his time of life—and turns tutor for me gratis and a firstrate tutor too Thats what I call having a treasure And yet though hes been with us for years Mrs S there wont take to him—I defy her or anybody else to say why or wherefore
Do you know how he was employed before he came to you
Ah now youve hit it—thats where youre right in saying hes a mystery What he did before I knew him is more than I can tell—a good deal more He came to me with a capital recommendation and security from a gentleman whom I knew to be of the highest respectability I had a vacancy in the back office and tried him and found out what he was worth in no time—I flatter myself Ive a knack at that with everybody Well before I got used to his curiouslooking face and his quiet ways I wanted badly enough to know something about him and who his connections were First I asked his friend who had recommended him—the friend wasnt at liberty to answer for anything but his perfect trustworthiness Then I asked Mannion himself pointblank about it one day He just told me that he had reasons for keeping his family affairs to himself—nothing more—but you know the way he has with him and damn it he put the stopper on me from that time to this I wasnt going to risk losing the best clerk that ever man had by worrying him about his secrets They didnt interfere with business and didnt interfere with me so I put my curiosity in my pocket I know nothing about him but that hes my righthand man and the honestest fellow that ever stood in shoes He may be the Great Mogul himself in disguise for anything I care In short you may be able to find out all about him my dear Sir but I cant
There does not seem much chance for me Mr Sherwin after what you have said
Well Im not so sure of that—plenty of chances here you know Youll see him often enough he lives near and drops in constantly of evenings We settle business matters that wont come into business hours in my private snuggery up stairs In fact hes one of the family treat him as such and get anything out of him you can—the more the better as far as regards that Ah Mrs S you may stare Maam but I say again hes one of the family may be hell be my partner some of these days—youll have to get used to him then whether you like it or not
One more question is he married or single
Single to be sure—a regular old bachelor if ever there was one yet
During the whole time we had been speaking Mrs Sherwin had looked at us with far more earnestness and attention than I had ever seen her display before Even her languid faculties seemed susceptible of active curiosity on the subject of Mr Mannion—the more so perhaps from her very dislike of him Margaret had moved her chair into the background while her father was talking and was apparently little interested in the topic under discussion In the first interval of silence she complained of headache and asked leave to retire to her room
After she left us I took my departure for Mr Sherwin evidently had nothing more to tell me about his clerk that was worth hearing On my way home Mr Mannion occupied no small share of my thoughts The idea of trying to penetrate the mystery connected with him was an idea that pleased me there was a promise of future excitement in it of no ordinary kind I determined to have a little private conversation with Margaret about him and to make her an ally in my new project If there really had been some romance connected with Mr Mannions early life—if that strange and striking face of his was indeed a sealed book which contained a secret story what a triumph and a pleasure if Margaret and I should succeed in discovering it together
When I woke the next morning I could hardly believe that this tradesmans clerk had so interested my curiosity that he had actually shared my thoughts with my young wife during the evening before And yet when I next saw him he produced exactly the same impression on me again
III
Some weeks passed away Margaret and I resumed our usual employments and amusements the life at North Villa ran on as smoothly and obscurely as usual—and still I remained ignorant of Mr Mannions history and Mr Mannions character He came frequently to the house in the evening but was generally closeted with Mr Sherwin and seldom accepted his employers constant invitation to him to join the party in the drawingroom At those rare intervals when we did see him his appearance and behaviour were exactly the same as on the night when I had met him for the first time he spoke just as seldom and resisted just as resolutely and respectfully the many attempts made on my part to lead him into conversation and familiarity If he had really been trying to excite my interest he could not have succeeded more effectually I felt towards him much as a man feels in a labyrinth when every fresh failure in gaining the centre only produces fresh obstinacy in renewing the effort to arrive at it
From Margaret I gained no sympathy for my newlyaroused curiosity She appeared much to my surprise to care little about Mr Mannion and always changed the conversation if it related to him whenever it depended upon her to continue the topic or not
Mrs Sherwins conduct was far from resembling her daughters when I spoke to her on the same subject She always listened intently to what I said but her answers were invariably brief confused and sometimes absolutely incomprehensible It was only after great difficulty that I induced her to confess her dislike of Mr Mannion Whence it proceeded she could never tell Did she suspect anything In answering this question she always stammered trembled and looked away from me How could she suspect anything If she did suspect it would be very wrong without good reason but she ought not to suspect and did not of course
I never obtained any replies from her more intelligible than these Attributing their confusion to the nervous agitation which more or less affected her when she spoke on any subject I soon ceased making any efforts to induce her to explain herself and determined to search for the clue to Mr Mannions character without seeking assistance from any one
Accident at length gave me an opportunity of knowing something of his habits and opinions and so far therefore of knowing something about the man himself
One night I met him in the hall at North Villa about to leave the house at the same time that I was after a businessconsultation in private with Mr Sherwin We went out together The sky was unusually black the night atmosphere unusually oppressive and still The roll of distant thunder sounded faint and dreary all about us The sheet lightning flashing quick and low in the horizon made the dark firmament look like a thick veil rising and falling incessantly over a heaven of dazzling light behind it Such few footpassengers as passed us passed running—for heavy warning drops were falling already from the sky We quickened our pace but before we had walked more than two hundred yards the rain came down furious and drenching and the thunder began to peal fearfully right over our heads
My house is close by said my companion just as quietly and deliberately as usual—pray step in Sir until the storm is over
I followed him down a bye street he opened a door with his own key and the next instant I was sheltered under Mr Mannions roof
He led me at once into a room on the ground floor The fire was blazing in the grate an armchair with a reading easel attached was placed by it the lamp was ready lit the teathings were placed on the table the dark thick curtains were drawn close over the window and as if to complete the picture of comfort before me a large black cat lay on the rug basking luxuriously in the heat of the fire While Mr Mannion went out to give some directions as he said to his servant I had an opportunity of examining the apartment more in detail To study the appearance of a mans dwellingroom is very often nearly equivalent to studying his own character
The personal contrast between Mr Sherwin and his clerk was remarkable enough but the contrast between the dimensions and furnishing of the rooms they lived in was to the full as extraordinary The apartment I now surveyed was less than half the size of the sittingroom at North Villa The paper on the walls was of a dark red the curtains were of the same colour the carpet was brown and if it bore any pattern that pattern was too quiet and unpretending to be visible by candlelight One wall was entirely occupied by rows of dark mahogany shelves completely filled with books most of them cheap editions of the classical works of ancient and modern literature The opposite wall was thickly hung with engravings in maplewood frames from the works of modern painters English and French All the minor articles of furniture were of the plainest and neatest order—even the white china teapot and teacup on the table had neither pattern nor colouring of any kind What a contrast was this room to the drawingroom at North Villa
On his return Mr Mannion found me looking at his teaequipage I am afraid Sir I must confess myself an epicure and a prodigal in two things he said an epicure in tea and a prodigal at least for a person in my situation in books However I receive a liberal salary and can satisfy my tastes such as they are and save money too What can I offer you Sir
Seeing the preparations on the table I asked for tea While he was speaking to me there was one peculiarity about him that I observed Almost all men when they stand on their own hearths in their own homes instinctively alter more or less from their outofdoor manner the stiffest people expand the coldest thaw a little by their own firesides It was not so with Mr Mannion He was exactly the same man at his own house that he was at Mr Sherwins
There was no need for him to have told me that he was an epicure in tea the manner in which he made it would have betrayed that to anybody He put in nearly treble the quantity which would generally be considered sufficient for two persons and almost immediately after he had filled the teapot with boiling water began to pour from it into the cups—thus preserving all the aroma and delicacy of flavour in the herb without the alloy of any of the coarser part of its strength When we had finished our first cups there was no pouring of dregs into a basin or of fresh water on the leaves A middleaged female servant neat and quiet came up and took away the tray bringing it to us again with the teapot and teacups clean and empty to receive a fresh infusion from fresh leaves These were trifles to notice but I thought of other tradesmens clerks who were drinking their ginandwater jovially at home or at a tavern and found Mr Mannion a more exasperating mystery to me than ever
The conversation between us turned at first on trivial subjects and was but ill sustained on my part—there were peculiarities in my present position which made me thoughtful Once our talk ceased altogether and just at that moment the storm began to rise to its height Hail mingled with the rain and rattled heavily against the window The thunder bursting louder and louder with each successive peal seemed to shake the house to its foundations As I listened to the fearful crashing and roaring that seemed to fill the whole measureless void of upper air and then looked round on the calm deadcalm face of the man beside me—without one human emotion of any kind even faintly pictured on it—I felt strange unutterable sensations creeping over me our silence grew oppressive and sinister I began to wish I hardly knew why for some third person in the room—for somebody else to look at and to speak to
He was the first to resume the conversation I should have imagined it impossible for any man in the midst of such thunder as now raged above our heads to think or talk of anything but the storm And yet when he spoke it was merely on a subject connected with his introduction to me at North Villa His attention seemed as far from being attracted or impressed by the mighty elemental tumult without as if the tranquillity of the night were uninvaded by the slightest murmur of sound
May I inquire Sir he began whether I am right in apprehending that my conduct towards you since we first met at Mr Sherwins house may have appeared strange and even discourteous in your eyes
In what respect Mr Mannion I asked a little startled by the abruptness of the question
I am perfectly sensible Sir that you have kindly set me the example on many occasions in trying to better our acquaintance When such advances are made by one in your station to one in mine they ought to be immediately and gratefully responded to
Why did he pause Was he about to tell me he had discovered that my advances sprang from curiosity to know more about him than he was willing to reveal I waited for him to proceed
I have only failed he continued in the courtesy and gratitude you had a right to expect from me because knowing how you were situated with Mr Sherwins daughter I thought any intrusion on my part while you were with the young lady might not be so acceptable as you Sir in your kindness were willing to lead me to believe
Let me assure you I answered relieved to find myself unsuspected and really impressed by his delicacy—let me assure you that I fully appreciate the consideration you have shown—
Just as the last words passed my lips the thunder pealed awfully over the house I said no more the sound silenced me
As my explanation has satisfied you Sir he went on his clear and deliberate utterance rising discordantly audible above the long retiring roll of the last burst of thunder—may I feel justified in speaking on the subject of your present position in my employers house with some freedom I mean if I may say so without offence with the freedom of a friend
I begged he would use all the freedom he wished feeling really desirous that he should do so apart from any purpose of leading him to talk unreservedly on the chance of hearing him talk of himself The profound respect of manner and phrase which he had hitherto testified—observed by a man of his age to a man of mine—made me feel ill at ease He was most probably my equal in acquirements he had the manners and tastes of a gentleman and might have the birth too for aught I knew to the contrary The difference between us was only in our worldly positions I had not enough of my fathers pride of caste to think that this difference alone made it right that a man whose years nearly doubled mine whose knowledge perhaps surpassed mine should speak to me as Mr Mannion had spoken up to this time
I may tell you then he resumed that while I am anxious to commit no untimely intrusion on your hours at North Villa I am at the same time desirous of being something more than merely inoffensive towards you I should wish to be positively useful as far as I can In my opinion Mr Sherwin has held you to rather a hard engagement—he is trying your discretion a little too severely I think at your years and in your situation Feeling thus it is my sincere wish to render what connection and influence I have with the family useful in making the probation you have still to pass through as easy as possible I have more means of doing this Sir than you might at first imagine
His offer took me a little by surprise I felt with a sort of shame that candour and warmth of feeling were what I had not expected from him My attention insensibly wandered away from the storm to attach itself more and more closely to him as he went on
I am perfectly sensible he resumed that such a proposition as I now make to you proceeding from one little better than a stranger may cause surprise and even suspicion at first I can only explain it by asking you to remember that I have known the young lady since childhood and that having assisted in forming her mind and developing her character I feel towards her almost as a second father and am therefore naturally interested in the gentleman who has chosen her for a wife
Was there a tremor at last in that changeless voice as he spoke I thought so and looked anxiously to catch the answering gleam of expression which might now for the first time be softening his iron features animating the blank stillness of his countenance If any such expression had been visible I was too late to detect it Just as I looked at him he stooped down to poke the fire When he turned towards me again his face was the same impenetrable face his eye the same hard steady inexpressive eye as before
Besides he continued a man must have some object in life for his sympathies to be employed on I have neither wife nor child and no near relations to think of—I have nothing but my routine of business in the day and my books here by my lonely fireside at night Our life is not much but it was made for a little more than this My former pupil at North Villa is my pupil no longer I cant help feeling that it would be an object in existence for me to occupy myself with her happiness and yours to have two young people in the heyday of youth and first love looking towards me occasionally for the promotion of some of their pleasures—no matter how trifling All this will seem odd and incomprehensible to you If you were of my age Sir and in my position you would understand it
Was it possible that he could speak thus without his voice faltering or his eye softening in the slightest degree Yes I looked at him and listened to him intently but here was not the faintest change in his face or his tones—there was nothing to show outwardly whether he felt what he said or whether he did not His words had painted such a picture of forlornness on my mind that I had mechanically half raised my hand to take his while he was addressing me but the sight of him when he ceased checked the impulse almost as soon as it was formed He did not appear to have noticed either my involuntary gesture or its immediate repression and went on speaking
I have said perhaps more than I ought he resumed If I have not succeeded in making you understand my explanation as I could wish we will change the subject and not return to it again until you have known me for a much longer time
On no account change the subject Mr Mannion I said unwilling to let it be implied that I would not put trust in him I am deeply sensible of the kindness of your offer and the interest you take in Margaret and me We shall both I am sure accept your good offices—
I stopped The storm had decreased a little in violence but my attention was now struck by the wind which had risen as the thunder and rain had partially lulled How drearily it was moaning down the street It seemed at that moment to be wailing over me to be wailing over him to be wailing over all mortal things The strange sensations I then felt moved me to listen in silence but I checked them and spoke again
If I have not answered you as I should I continued you must attribute it partly to the storm which I confess rather discomposes my ideas and partly to a little surprise—a very foolish surprise I own—that you should still be able to feel so strong a sympathy with interests which are generally only considered of importance to the young
It is only in their sympathies that men of my years can and do live their youth over again he said You may be surprised to hear a tradesmans clerk talk in this manner but I was not always what I am now I have gathered knowledge and suffered in the gathering I have grown old before my time—my forty years are like the fifty of other men—
My heart beat quicker—was he unasked about to disclose the mystery which evidently hung over his early life No he dropped the subject at once when he continued I longed to ask him to resume it but could not I feared the same repulse which Mr Sherwin had received and remained silent
What I was he proceeded matters little the question is what can I do for you Any aid I can give may be poor enough but it may be of some use notwithstanding For instance the other day if I mistake not you were a little hurt at Mr Sherwins taking his daughter to a party to which the family had been invited This was very natural You could not be there to watch over her in your real character without disclosing a secret which must be kept safe and you could not know what young men she might meet who would imagine her to be Miss Sherwin still and would regulate their conduct accordingly Now I think I might be of use here I have some influence—perhaps in strict truth I ought to say great influence—with my employer and if you wished it I would use that influence to back yours in inducing him to forego for the future any intention of taking his daughter into society except when you desire it Again I think I am not wrong in assuming that you infinitely prefer the company of Mrs Sherwin to that of Mr Sherwin during your interviews with the young lady
How he had found that out At any rate he was right and I told him so candidly
The preference is on many accounts a very natural one he said but if you suffered it to appear to Mr Sherwin it might for obvious reasons produce a most unfavourable effect I might interfere in the matter however without suspicion I should have many opportunities of keeping him away from the room in the evening which I could use if you wished it And more than that if you wanted longer and more frequent communication with North Villa than you now enjoy I might be able to effect this also I do not mention what I could do in these and in other matters in any disparagement Sir of the influence which you have with Mr Sherwin in your own right but because I know that in what concerns your intercourse with his daughter my employer has asked and will ask my advice from the habit of doing so in other things I have hitherto declined giving him this advice in your affairs but I will give it and in your favour and the young ladys if you and she choose
I thanked him—but not in such warm terms as I should have employed if I had seen even the faintest smile on his face or had heard any change in his steady deliberate tones as he spoke While his words attracted his immovable looks repelled me in spite of myself
I must again beg you—he proceeded—to remember what I have already said in your estimate of the motives of my offer If I still appear to be interfering officiously in your affairs you have only to think that I have presumed impertinently on the freedom you have allowed me and to treat me no longer on the terms of tonight I shall not complain of your conduct and shall try hard not to consider you unjust to me if you do
Such an appeal as this was not to be resisted I answered him at once and unreservedly What right had I to draw bad inferences from a mans face voice and manner merely because they impressed me as out of the common Did I know how much share the influence of natural infirmity or the outward traces of unknown sorrow and suffering might have had in producing the external peculiarities which had struck me He would have every right to upbraid me as unjust—and that in the strongest terms—unless I spoke out fairly in reply
I am quite incapable Mr Mannion I said of viewing your offer with any other than grateful feelings You will find I shall prove this by employing your good offices for Margaret and myself in perfect faith and sooner perhaps than you may imagine
He bowed and said a few cordial words which I heard but imperfectly—for as I addressed him a blast of wind fiercer than usual rushed down the street shaking the window shutter violently as it passed and dying away in a low melancholy dirging swell like a spiritcry of lamentation and despair
When he spoke again after a momentary silence it was to make some change in the conversation He talked of Margaret—dwelling in terms of high praise rather on her moral than on her personal qualities He spoke of Mr Sherwin referring to solid and attractive points in his character which I had not detected What he said of Mrs Sherwin appeared to be equally dictated by compassion and respect—he even hinted at her coolness towards himself considerately attributing it to the involuntary caprice of settled nervousness and illhealth His language in touching on these subjects was just as unaffected just as devoid of any peculiarities as I had hitherto found it when occupied by other topics
It was growing late The thunder still rumbled at long intervals with a dull distant sound and the wind showed no symptoms of subsiding But the pattering of the rain against the window ceased to be audible There was little excuse for staying longer and I wished to find none I had acquired quite knowledge enough of Mr Mannion to assure me that any attempt on my part at extracting from him in spite of his reserve the secrets which might be connected with his early life would prove perfectly fruitless If I must judge him at all I must judge him by the experience of the present and not by the history of the past I had heard good and good only of him from the shrewd master who knew him best and had tried him longest He had shown the greatest delicacy towards my feelings and the strongest desire to do me service—it would be a mean return for those acts of courtesy to let curiosity tempt me to pry into his private affairs
I rose to go He made no effort to detain me but after unbarring the shutter and looking out of the window simply remarked that the rain had almost entirely ceased and that my umbrella would be quite sufficient protection against all that remained He followed me into the passage to light me out As I turned round upon his doorstep to thank him for his hospitality and to bid him good night the thought came across me that my manner must have appeared cold and repelling to him—especially when he was offering his services to my acceptance If I had really produced this impression he was my inferior in station and it would be cruel to leave it I tried to set myself right at parting
Let me assure you again I said that it will not be my fault if Margaret and I do not thankfully employ your good offices as the good offices of a wellwisher and a friend
The lightning was still in the sky though it only appeared at long intervals Strangely enough at the moment when I addressed him a flash came and seemed to pass right over his face It gave such a hideously livid hue such a spectral look of ghastliness and distortion to his features that he absolutely seemed to be glaring and grinning on me like a fiend in the one instant of its duration For the moment it required all my knowledge of the settled calmness of his countenance to convince me that my eyes must have been only dazzled by an optical illusion produced by the lightning
When the darkness had come again I bade him good night—first mechanically repeating what I had just said almost in the same words
I walked home thoughtful That night had given me much matter to think of
IV
About the time of my introduction to Mr Mannion—or to speak more correctly both before and after that period—certain peculiarities in Margarets character and conduct which came to my knowledge by pure accident gave me a little uneasiness and even a little displeasure Neither of these feelings lasted very long it is true for the incidents which gave rise to them were of a trifling nature in themselves While I now write however these domestic occurrences are all vividly present to my recollection I will mention two of them as instances Subsequent events yet to be related will show that they are not out of place at this part of my narrative
One lovely autumn morning I called rather before the appointed time at North Villa As the servant opened the front gardengate the idea occurred to me of giving Margaret a surprise by entering the drawing room unexpectedly with a nosegay gathered for her from her own flowerbed Telling the servant not to announce me I went round to the back garden by a gate which opened into it at the side of the house The progress of my flowergathering led me on to the lawn under one of the drawingroom windows which was left a little open The voices of my wife and her mother reached me from the room It was this part of their conversation which I unintentionally overheard—
I tell you mamma I must and will have the dress whether papa chooses or not
This was spoken loudly and resolutely in such tones as I had never heard from Margaret before
Pray—pray my dear dont talk so answered the weak faltering voice of Mrs Sherwin you know you have had more than your years allowance of dresses already
I wont be allowanced His sister isnt allowanced why should I be
My dear love surely there is some difference—
Im sure there isnt now I am his wife I shall ride some day in my carriage just as his sister does He gives me my way in everything and so ought you
It isnt me Margaret if I could do anything Im sure I would but I really couldnt ask your papa for another new dress after his having given you so many this year already
Thats the way it always is with you mamma—you cant do this and you cant do that—you are so excessively tiresome But I will have the dress Im determined He says his sister wears light blue crape of an evening and Ill have light blue crape too—see if I dont Ill get it somehow from the shop myself Papa never takes any notice Im sure what I have on and he neednt find out anything about whats gone out of the shop until they take stock or whatever it is he calls it And then if he flies into one of his passions—
My dear my dear you really ought not to talk so of your papa—it is very wrong Margaret indeed—what would Mr Basil say if he heard you
I determined to go in at once and tell Margaret that I had heard her—resolving at the same time to exert some firmness and remonstrate with her for her own good on much of what she had said which had really surprised and displeased me On my unexpected entrance Mrs Sherwin started and looked more timid than ever Margaret however came forward to meet me with her wonted smile and held out her hand with her wonted grace I said nothing until we had got into our accustomed corner and were talking together in whispers as usual Then I began my remonstrance—very tenderly and in the lowest possible tones She took precisely the right way to stop me in full career in spite of all my resolution Her beautiful eyes filled with tears directly—the first I had ever seen in them caused too by what I had said—and she murmured a few plaintive words about the cruelty of being angry with her for only wanting to please me by being dressed as my sister was which upset every intention I had formed but the moment before I involuntarily devoted myself to soothing her for the rest of the morning Need I say how the matter ended I never mentioned the subject more and I made her a present of the new dress
Some weeks after the little homebreeze which I have just related had died away into a perfect calm I was accidentally witness of another domestic dilemma in which Margaret bore a principal share On this occasion as I walked up to the house in the morning again I found the front door open A pail was on the steps—the servant had evidently been washing them had been interrupted in her work and had forgotten to close the door when she left it The nature of the interruption I soon discovered as I entered the hall
For Gods sake Miss cried the housemaids voice from the diningroom for Gods sake put down the poker Missus will be here directly and its her cat
Ill kill the vile brute Ill kill the hateful cat I dont care whose it is—my poor dear dear dear bird The voice was Margarets At first its tones were tones of fury they were afterwards broken by hysterical sobs
Poor thing continued the servant soothingly Im sorry for it and for you too Miss But oh do please to remember it was you left the cage on the table in the cats reach—
Hold your tongue you wretch How dare you hold me—let me go
Oh you mustnt—you mustnt indeed Its missuss cat recollect—poor missuss whos always ill and hasnt got nothing else to amuse her
I dont care The cat has killed my bird and the cat shall be killed for doing it—it shall—it shall—it shall Ill call in the first boy from the street to catch it and hang it Let me go I will go
Ill let the cat go first Miss as sure as my names Susan
The next instant the door was suddenly opened and puss sprang past me out of harms way closely followed by the servant who stared breathless and aghast at seeing me in the hall I went into the diningroom immediately
On the floor lay a birdcage with the poor canary dead inside it was the same canary that I had seen my wife playing with on the evening of the day when I first met her The birds head had been nearly dragged through the bent wires of the cage by the murderous claws of the cat Near the fireplace with the poker she had just dropped on the floor by her side stood Margaret Never had I seen her look so beautiful as she now appeared in the fury of passion which possessed her Her large black eyes were flashing grandly through her tears—the blood was glowing crimson in her cheeks—her lips were parted as she gasped for breath One of her hands was clenched and rested on the mantelpiece the other was pressed tight over her bosom with the fingers convulsively clasping her dress Grieved as I was at the paroxysm of passion into which she had allowed herself to be betrayed I could not repress an involuntary feeling of admiration when my eyes first rested on her Even anger itself looked lovely in that lovely face
She never moved when she saw me As I approached her she dropped down on her knees by the cage sobbing with frightful violence and pouring forth a perfect torrent of ejaculations of vengeance against the cat Mrs Sherwin came down and by her total want of tact and presence of mind made matters worse In brief the scene ended by a fit of hysterics
To speak to Margaret on that day as I wished to speak to her was impossible To approach the subject of the canarys death afterwards was useless If I only hinted in the gentlest way and with the strongest sympathy for the loss of the bird at the distress and astonishment she had caused me by the extremities to which she had allowed her passion to hurry her a burst of tears was sure to be her only reply—just the reply of all others which was best calculated to silence me If I had been her husband in fact as well as in name if I had been her father her brother or her friend I should have let her first emotions have their way and then have expostulated with her afterwards But I was her lover still and to my eyes Margarets tears made virtues even of Margarets faults
Such occurrences as these happening but at rare intervals formed the only interruptions to the generally even and happy tenour of our intercourse Weeks and weeks glided away and not a hasty or a hard word passed between us Neither after one preliminary difference had been adjusted did any subsequent disagreement take place between Mr Sherwin and me This last element in the domestic tranquillity of North Villa was however less attributable to his forbearance or to mine than to the private interference of Mr Mannion
For some days after my interview with the managing clerk at his own house I had abstained from calling his offered services into requisition I was not conscious of any reason for this course of conduct All that had been said all that had happened during the night of the storm had produced a powerful though vague impression on me Strange as it may appear I could not determine whether my brief but extraordinary experience of my new friend had attracted me towards him or repelled me from him I felt an unwillingness to lay myself under an obligation to him which was not the result of pride or false delicacy or sullenness or suspicion—it was an inexplicable unwillingness that sprang from the fear of encountering some heavy responsibility but of what nature I could not imagine I delayed and held back by instinct and on his side Mr Mannion made no further advances He maintained the same manner and continued the same habits during his intercourse with the family at North Villa which I had observed as characterising him before I took shelter from the storm in his house He never referred again to the conversation of that evening when we now met
Margarets behaviour when I mentioned to her Mr Mannions willingness to be useful to us both rather increased than diminished the vague uncertainties which perplexed me on the subject of accepting or rejecting his overtures
I could not induce her to show the smallest interest about him Neither his house his personal appearance his peculiar habits or his secrecy in relation to his early life—nothing in short connected with him—appeared to excite her attention or curiosity in the slightest degree On the evening of his return from the continent she had certainly shown some symptoms of interest in his arrival at North Villa and some appearance of attention to him when he joined our party Now she seemed completely and incomprehensibly changed on this point Her manner became almost petulant if I persisted long in making Mr Mannion a topic of conversation—it was as if she resented his sharing my thoughts with her in the slightest degree As to the difficult question whether we should engage him in our interests or not that was a matter which she always seemed to think too trifling to be discussed between us at all
Ere long however circumstances decided me as to the course I should take with Mr Mannion
A ball was given by one of Mr Sherwins rich commercial friends to which he announced his intention of taking Margaret Besides the jealousy which I felt—naturally enough in my peculiar situation—at the idea of my wife going out as Miss Sherwin and dancing in the character of a young unmarried lady with any young gentlemen who were introduced to her I had also the strongest possible desire to keep Margaret out of the society of her own class until my years probation was over and I could hope to instal her permanently in the society of my class I had privately mentioned to her my ideas on this subject and found that she fully agreed with them She was not wanting in ambition to ascend to the highest degree in the social scale and had already begun to look with indifference on the society which was offered to her by those in her own rank
To Mr Sherwin I could confide nothing of this I could only object generally to his taking Margaret out when neither she nor I desired it He declared that she liked parties—that all girls did—that she only pretended to dislike them to please me—and that he had made no engagement to keep her moping at home a whole year on my account In the case of the particular ball now under discussion he was determined to have his own way and he bluntly told me as much
Irritated by his obstinacy and gross want of consideration for my defenceless position I forgot all doubts and scruples and privately applied to Mr Mannion to exert the influence which he had promised to use if I wished it in my behalf
The result was as immediate as it was conclusive The very next evening Mr Sherwin came to us with a note which he had just written and informed me that it was an excuse for Margarets nonappearance at the ball He never mentioned Mr Mannions name but sulkily and shortly said that he had reconsidered the matter and had altered his first decision for reasons of his own
Having once taken a first step in the new direction I soon followed it up without hesitation by taking many others Whenever I wished to call oftener than once aday at North Villa I had but to tell Mr Mannion and the next morning I found the permission immediately accorded to me by the ruling power The same secret machinery enabled me to regulate Mr Sherwins incomings and outgoings just as I chose when Margaret and I were together in the evening I could feel almost certain now of never having any one with us but Mrs Sherwin unless I desired it—which as may be easily imagined was seldom enough
My new allys ready interference for my advantage was exerted quietly easily and as a matter of course I never knew how or when he influenced his employer and Mr Sherwin on his part never breathed a word of that influence to me He accorded any extra privilege I might demand as if he acted entirely under his own will little suspecting how well I knew what was the real motive power which directed him
I was the more easily reconciled to employing the services of Mr Mannion by the great delicacy with which he performed them He did not allow me to think—he did not appear to think himself—that he was obliging me in the smallest degree He affected no sudden intimacy with me his manners never altered he still persisted in not joining us in the evening but at my express invitation and if I referred in any way to the advantages I derived from his devotion to my interests he always replied in his brief undemonstrative way that he considered himself the favoured person in being permitted to make his services of some use to Margaret and me
I had told Mr Mannion when I was leaving him on the night of the storm that I would treat his offers as the offers of a friend and I had now made good my words much sooner and much more unreservedly than I had ever intended when we parted at his own housedoor
V
The autumn was now over the winter—a cold gloomy winter—had fairly come Five months had nearly elapsed since Clara and my father had departed for the country What communication did I hold with them during that interval
No personal communication with either—written communication only with my sister Claras letters to me were frequent They studiously avoided anything like a reproach for my long absence and were confined almost exclusively to such details of country life as the writer thought likely to interest me Their tone was as affectionate—nay more affectionate if possible—than usual but Claras gaiety and quiet humour as a correspondent were gone My conscience taught me only too easily and too plainly how to account for this change—my conscience told me who had altered the tone of my sisters letters by altering all the favourite purposes and favourite pleasures of her country life
I was selfishly enough devoted to my own passions and my own interests at this period of my life but I was not so totally dead to every one of the influences which had guided me since childhood as to lose all thought of Clara and my father and the ancient house that was associated with my earliest and happiest recollections Sometimes even in Margarets beloved presence a thought of Clara put away from me all other thoughts And sometimes in the lonely London house I dreamed—with the strangest sleeping oblivion of my marriage and of all the new interests which it had crowded into my life—of country rides with my sister and of quiet conversations in the old gothic library at the Hall Under such influences as these I twice resolved to make amends for my long absence by joining my father and my sister in the country even though it were only for a few days—and each time I failed in my resolution On the second occasion I had actually mustered firmness enough to get as far as the railway station and only at the last moment faltered and hung back The struggle that it cost me to part for any length of time from Margaret I had overcome but the apprehension as vivid as it was vague that something—I knew not what—might happen to her in my absence turned my steps backward at starting I felt heartily ashamed of my own weakness but I yielded to it nevertheless
At last a letter arrived from Clara containing a summons to the country which I could not disobey
I have never asked you she wrote to come and see us for my sake for I would not interfere with any of your interests or any of your plans but I now ask you to come here for your own sake—just for one week and no more unless you like to remain longer You remember papa telling you in your room in London that he believed you kept some secret from him I am afraid this is preying on his mind your long absence is making him uneasy about you He does not say so but he never sends any message when I write and if I speak about you he always changes the subject directly Pray come here and show yourself for a few days—no questions will be asked you may be sure It will do so much good and will prevent—what I hope and pray may never happen—a serious estrangement between papa and you Recollect Basil in a month or six weeks we shall come back to town and then the opportunity will be gone
As I read these lines I determined to start for the country at once while the effect of them was still fresh on my mind Margaret when I took leave of her only said that she should like to be going with me—it would be such a sight for her to see a grand country house like ours Mr Sherwin laughed as coarsely as usual at the difficulties I made about only leaving his daughter for a week Mrs Sherwin very earnestly and very inaccountably as I then thought recommended me not to be away any longer than I had proposed Mr Mannion privately assured me that I might depend on him in my absence from North Villa exactly as I had always depended on him during my presence there It was strange that his parting words should be the only words which soothed and satisfied me on taking leave of London
The winter afternoon was growing dim with the evening darkness as I drove up to the Hall Snow on the ground in the country has always a cheerful look to me I could have wished to see it on the day of my arrival at home but there had been a thaw for the last week—mud and water were all about me—a drizzling rain was falling—a raw damp wind was blowing—a fog was rising as the evening stole on—and the ancient leafless elms in the park avenue groaned and creaked above my head drearily as I approached the house
My father received me with more ceremony than I liked I had known from a boy what it meant when he chose to be only polite to his own son What construction he had put on my long absence and my persistence in keeping my secret from him I could not tell but it was evident that I had lost my usual place in his estimation and lost it past regaining merely by a weeks visit The estrangement between us which my sister had feared had begun already
I had been chilled by the desolate aspect of nature as I approached the Hall my fathers reception of me when I entered the house increased the comfortless and melancholy impressions produced on my mind it required all the affectionate warmth of Claras welcome all the pleasure of hearing her whisper her thanks as she kissed me for my readiness in following her advice to restore my equanimity But even then when the first hurry and excitement of meeting had passed away in spite of her kind words and looks there was something in her face which depressed me She seemed thinner and her constitutional paleness was more marked than usual Cares and anxieties had evidently oppressed her—was I the cause of them
The dinner that evening proceeded very heavily and gloomily My father only talked on general and commonplace topics as if a mere acquaintance had been present When my sister left us he too quitted the room to see some one who had arrived on business I had no heart for the company of the wine bottles so I followed Clara
At first we only spoke of her occupations since she had been in the country I was unwilling and she forbore to touch on my long stay in London or on my fathers evident displeasure at my protracted absence There was a little restraint between us which neither had the courage to break through Before long however an accident trifling enough in itself obliged me to be more candid and enabled her to speak unreservedly on the subject nearest to her heart
I was seated opposite to Clara at the fireplace and was playing with a favourite dog which had followed me into the room While I was stooping towards the animal a locket containing some of Margarets hair fell out of its place in my waistcoat and swung towards my sister by the string which attached it round my neck I instantly hid it again but not before Clara with a womans quickness had detected the trinket as something new and drawn the right inference as to the use to which I devoted it
An expression of surprise and pleasure passed over her face she rose and putting her hands on my shoulders as if to keep me still in the place I occupied looked at me intently
Basil she exclaimed if that is all the secret you have been keeping from us how glad I am When I see a new locket drop out of my brothers waistcoat— she continued observing that I was too confused to speak—and when I find him colouring very deeply and hiding it again in a great hurry I should be no true woman if I did not make my own discoveries and begin to talk about them directly
I made an effort—a very poor one—to laugh the thing off Her expression grew serious and thoughtful while she still fixed her eyes on me She took my hand gently and whispered in my ear Are you going to be married Basil Shall I love my new sister almost as much as I love you
At that moment the servant came in with tea The interruption gave me a minute for consideration Should I tell her all Impulse answered yes—reflection no If I disclosed my real situation I knew that I must introduce Clara to Margaret This would necessitate taking her privately to Mr Sherwins house and exposing to her the humiliating terms of dependence and prohibition on which I lived with my own wife A strange medley of feelings in which pride was uppermost forbade me to do that Then again to involve my sister in my secret would be to involve her with me in any consequences which might be produced by its disclosure to my father The mere idea of making her a partaker in responsibilities which I alone ought to bear was not to be entertained for a moment As soon as we were left together again I said to her
Will you not think the worse of me Clara if I leave you to draw your own conclusions from what you have seen only asking you to keep strict silence on the subject to every one I cant speak yet love as I wish to speak you will know why some day and say that my reserve was right In the meantime can you be satisfied with the assurance that when the time comes for making my secret known you shall be the first to know it—the first I put trust in
As you have not starved my curiosity altogether said Clara smiling but have given it a little hope to feed on for the present I think woman though I am I can promise all you wish Seriously Basil she continued that telltale locket of yours has so pleasantly brightened some very gloomy thoughts of mine about you that I can now live happily on expectation without once mentioning your secret again till you give me leave to do so
Here my father entered the room and we said no more His manner towards me had not altered since dinner and it remained the same during the week of my stay at the Hall One morning when we were alone I took courage and determined to try the dangerous ground a little with a view towards my guidance for the future but I had no sooner begun by some reference to my stay in London and some apology for it than he stopped me at once
I told you he said gravely and coldly some months ago that I had too much faith in your honour to intrude on affairs which you choose to keep private Until you have perfect confidence in me and can speak with complete candour I will hear nothing You have not that confidence now—you speak hesitatingly—your eyes do not meet mine fairly and boldly I tell you again I will hear nothing which begins with such commonplace excuses as you have just addressed to me Excuses lead to prevarications and prevarications to—what I will not insult you by imagining possible in your case You are of age and must know your own responsibilities and mine Choose at once between saying nothing and saying all
He waited a moment after he had spoken and then quitted the room If he could only have known how I suffered at that instant under the base necessities of concealment I might have confessed everything and he must have pitied though he might not have forgiven me
This was my first and last attempt at venturing towards the revelation of my secret to my father by hints and halfadmissions As to boldly confessing it I persuaded myself into a sophistical conviction that such a course could do no good but might do much harm When the wedded happiness I had already waited for and was to wait for still through so many months came at last was it not best to enjoy my married life in convenient secrecy as long as I could—best to abstain from disclosing my secret to my father until necessity absolutely obliged or circumstances absolutely invited me to do so My inclinations conveniently decided the question in the affirmative and a decision of any kind right or wrong was enough to tranquillise me at that time
So far as my father was concerned my journey to the country did no good I might have returned to London the day after my arrival at the Hall without altering his opinion of me—but I stayed the whole week nevertheless for Claras sake
In spite of the pleasure afforded by my sisters society my visit was a painful one The selfish longing to be back with Margaret which I could not wholly repress my fathers coldness and the winter gloom and rain which confined us almost incessantly within doors all tended in their different degrees to prevent my living at ease in the Hall But besides these causes of embarrassment I had the additional mortification of feeling for the first time as a stranger in my own home
Nothing in the house looked to me what it used to look in former years The rooms the old servants the walks and views the domestic animals all appeared to have altered or to have lost something since I had seen them last Particular rooms that I had once been fond of occupying were favourites no longer particular habits that I had hitherto always practised in the country I could only succeed in resuming by an effort which vexed and fretted me It was as if my life had run into a new channel since my last autumn and winter at the Hall and now refused to flow back at my bidding into its old course Home seemed home no longer except in name
As soon as the week was over my father and I parted exactly as we had met When I took leave of Clara she refrained from making any allusion to the shortness of my stay and merely said that we should soon meet again in London She evidently saw that my visit had weighed a little on my spirits and was determined to give to our short farewell as happy and hopeful a character as possible We now thoroughly understood each other and that was some consolation on leaving her
Immediately on my return to London I repaired to North Villa
Nothing I was told had happened in my absence but I remarked some change in Margaret She looked pale and nervous and was more silent than I had ever known her to be before when we met She accounted for this in answer to my inquiries by saying that confinement to the house in consequence of the raw wintry weather had a little affected her and then changed the subject In other directions household aspects had not deviated from their accustomed monotony As usual Mrs Sherwin was at her post in the drawingroom and her husband was reading the evening paper over his renowned old port in the diningroom After the first five minutes of my arrival I adapted myself again to my old way of life at Mr Sherwins as easily as if I had never interrupted it for a single day Henceforth wherever my young wife was there and there only would it be home for me
Late in the evening Mr Mannion arrived with some business letters for Mr Sherwins inspection I sent for him into the hall to see me as I was going away His hand was never a warm one but as I now took it on greeting him it was so deadly cold that it literally chilled mine for the moment He only congratulated me in the usual terms on my safe return and said that nothing had taken place in my absence—but in his utterance of those few words I discovered for the first time a change in his voice his tones were lower and his articulation quicker than usual This joined to the extraordinary coldness of his hand made me inquire whether he was unwell Yes he too had been ill while I was away—harassed with hard work he said Then apologising for leaving me abruptly on account of the letters he had brought with him he returned to Mr Sherwin in the diningroom with a greater appearance of hurry in his manner than I had ever remarked in it on any former occasion
I had left Margaret and Mr Mannion both well—I returned and found them both ill Surely this was something that had taken place in my absence though they all said that nothing had happened But trifling illnesses seemed to be little regarded at North Villa—perhaps because serious illness was perpetually present there in the person of Mrs Sherwin
VI
About six weeks after I had left the Hall my father and Clara returned to London for the season
It is not my intention to delay over my life either at home or at North Villa during the spring and summer This would be merely to repeat much of what has been already related It is better to proceed at once to the closing period of my probation to a period which it taxes my resolution severely to write of at all A few weeks more of toil at my narrative and the penance of this poor taskwork will be over
Imagine then that the final day of my long year of expectation has arrived and that on the morrow Margaret for whose sake I have sacrificed and suffered so much is at last really to be mine
On the eve of the great change in my life that was now to take place the relative positions in which I and the different persons with whom I was associated stood towards each other may be sketched thus—
My fathers coldness of manner had not altered since his return to London On my side I carefully abstained from uttering a word before him which bore the smallest reference to my real situation Although when we met we outwardly preserved the usual relations of parent and child the estrangement between us had now become complete
Clara did not fail to perceive this and grieved over it in secret Other and happier feelings however became awakened within her when I privately hinted that the time for disclosing my secret to my sister was not far off She grew almost as much agitated as I was though by very different expectations—she could think of nothing else but the explanation and the surprise in store for her Sometimes I almost feared to keep her any longer in suspense and half regretted having said anything on the subject of the new and absorbing interest of my life before the period when I could easily have said all
Mr Sherwin and I had not latterly met on the most cordial terms He was dissatisfied with me for not having boldly approached the subject of my marriage in my fathers presence and considered my reasons for still keeping it secret as dictated by morbid apprehension and as showing a total want of proper firmness On the other hand he was obliged to set against this omission on my part the readiness I had shown in meeting his wishes on all remaining points My life was insured in Margarets favour and I had arranged to be called to the bar immediately so as to qualify myself in good time for every possible place within placehunting range My assiduity in making these preparations for securing Margarets prospects and mine against any evil chances that might happen failed in producing the favourable effect on Mr Sherwin which they must assuredly have produced on a less selfish man But they obliged him at least to stop short at occasional grumblings about my reserve with my father and to maintain towards me a sort of sulky politeness which was after all less offensive than the usual infliction of his cordiality with its unfailing accompaniment of dull stories and duller jokes
During the spring and summer Mrs Sherwin appeared to grow feebler and feebler from continued illhealth Occasionally her words and actions—especially in her intercourse with me—suggested fears that her mind was beginning to give way as well as her body For instance on one occasion when Margaret had left the room for a minute or two she suddenly hurried up to me whispering with eager looks and anxious tones—Watch over your wife—mind you watch over her and keep all bad people from her Ive tried to do it—mind you do it too I asked immediately for an explanation of this extraordinary injunction but she only answered by muttering something about a mothers anxieties and then returned hastily to her place It was impossible to induce her to be more explicit try how I might
Margaret once or twice occasioned me much perplexity and distress by certain inconsistencies and variations in her manner which began to appear shortly after my return to North Villa from the country At one time she would become on a sudden strangely sullen and silent—at another irritable and capricious Then again she would abruptly change to the most affectionate warmth of speech and demeanour anxiously anticipating every wish I could form eagerly showing her gratitude for the slightest attentions I paid her These unaccountable alterations of manner vexed and irritated me indescribably I loved Margaret too well to be able to look philosophically on the imperfections of her character I knew of no cause given by me for the frequent changes in her conduct and if they only proceeded from coquetry then coquetry as I once told her was the last female accomplishment that could charm me in any woman whom I really loved However these causes of annoyance and regret—her caprices and my remonstrances—all passed happily away as the term of my engagement with Mr Sherwin approached its end Margarets better and lovelier manner returned Occasionally she might betray some symptoms of confusion some evidences of unusual thoughtfulness—but I remembered how near was the day of the emancipation of our love and looked on her embarrassment as a fresh charm a new ornament to the beauty of my maiden wife
Mr Mannion continued—as far as attention to my interests went—to be the same ready and reliable friend as ever but he was in some other respects an altered man The illness of which he had complained months back when I returned to London seemed to have increased His face was still the same impenetrable face which had so powerfully impressed me when I first saw him but his manner hitherto so quiet and selfpossessed had now grown abrupt and variable Sometimes when he joined us in the drawingroom at North Villa he would suddenly stop before we had exchanged more than three or four words murmur something in a voice unlike his usual voice about an attack of spasm and giddiness and leave the room These fits of illness had something in their nature of the same secrecy which distinguished everything else connected with him they produced no external signs of distortion no unusual paleness in his face—you could not guess what pain he was suffering or where he was suffering it Latterly I abstained from ever asking him to join us for the effect on Margaret of his sudden attacks of illness was naturally such as to discompose her seriously for the remainder of the evening Whenever I saw him accidentally at later periods of the year the influence of the genial summer season appeared to produce no alteration for the better in him I remarked that his cold hand which had chilled me when I took it on the raw winter night of my return from the country was as cold as ever on the warm summer days which preceded the close of my engagement at North Villa
Such was the posture of affairs at home and at Mr Sherwins when I went to see Margaret for the last time in my old character on the last night which yet remained to separate us from each other
I had been all day preparing for our reception on the morrow in a cottage which I had taken for a month in a retired part of the country at some distance from London One months unalloyed happiness with Margaret away from the world and all worldly considerations was the Eden upon earth towards which my dearest hope and anticipations had pointed for a whole year past—and now now at last those aspirations were to be realized All my arrangements at the cottage were completed in time to allow me to return home just before our usual late dinner hour During the meal I provided for my months absence from London by informing my father that I proposed visiting one of my country friends He heard me as coldly and indifferently as usual and as I anticipated did not even ask to what friends house I was going After dinner I privately informed Clara that on the morrow before starting I would in accordance with my promise make her the depositary of my longtreasured secret—which as yet was not to be divulged to any one besides This done I hurried away between nine and ten oclock for a last halfhours visit to North Villa hardly able to realise my own situation or to comprehend the fulness and exaltation of my own joy
A disappointment was in store for me Margaret was not in the house she had gone out to an evening party given by a maiden aunt of hers who was known to be very rich and was accordingly a person to be courted and humoured by the family
I was angry as well as disappointed at what had taken place To send Margaret out on this evening of all others showed a want of consideration towards both of us which revolted me Mr and Mrs Sherwin were in the room when I entered and to him I spoke my opinion on the subject in no very conciliatory terms He was suffering from a bad attack of headache and a worse attack of illtemper and answered as irritably as he dared
My good Sir he said in sharp querulous tones do for once allow me to know whats best Youll have it all your way tomorrow—just let me have mine for the last time tonight Im sure youve been humoured often enough about keeping Margaret away from parties—and we should have humoured you this time too but a second letter came from the old lady saying she should be affronted if Margaret wasnt one of her guests I couldnt go and talk her over because of this infernal headache of mine—Hang it its your interest that Margaret should keep in with her aunt shell have all the old girls money if she only plays her cards decently well Thats why I sent her to the party—her going will be worth some thousands to both of you one of these days Shell be back by halfpast twelve or before Mannion was asked and though hes all out of sorts hes gone to take care of her and bring her back Ill warrant she comes home in good time when hes with her So you see theres nothing to make a fuss about after all
It was certainly a relief to hear that Mr Mannion was taking care of Margaret He was in my opinion much fitter for such a trust than her own father Of all the good services he had done for me I thought this the best—but it would have been even better still if he had prevented Margaret from going to the party
I must say again resumed Mr Sherwin still more irritably finding I did not at once answer him theres nothing that any reasonable being need make a fuss about Ive been doing everything for Margarets interests and yours—and shell be back by twelve—and Mr Mannion takes care of her—and I dont know what you would have—and its devilish hard so ill as I am too to cut up rough with me like this—devilish hard
I am sorry for your illness Mr Sherwin and I dont doubt your good intentions or the advantage of Mr Mannions protection for Margaret but I feel disappointed nevertheless that she should have gone out tonight
I said she oughtnt to go at all whatever her aunt wrote—I said that
This bold speech actually proceeded from Mrs Sherwin I had never before heard her utter an opinion in her husbands presence—such an outburst from her was perfectly inexplicable She pronounced the words with desperate rapidity and unwonted power of tone fixing her eyes all the while on me with a very strange expression
Damn it Mrs S roared her husband in a fury will you hold your tongue What the devil do you mean by giving your opinion when nobody wants it Upon my soul I begin to think youre getting a little cracked Youve been meddling and bothering lately so that I dont know what the deuce has come to you Ill tell you what it is Mr Basil he continued turning snappishly round upon me you had better stop that fidgetty temper of yours by going to the party yourself The old lady told me she wanted gentlemen and would be glad to see any friends of mine I liked to send her You have only to mention my name Mannion will do the civil in the way of introduction There theres an envelope with the address to it—they wont know who you are or what you are at Margarets aunts—youve got your black dress things on all right and ready—for Heavens sake go to the party yourself and then I hope youll be satisfied
Here he stopped and vented the rest of his illhumour by ringing the bell violently for his arrowroot and abusing the servant when she brought it
I hesitated about accepting his proposal While I was in doubt Mrs Sherwin took the opportunity when her husbands eye was off her of nodding her head at me significantly She evidently wished me to join Margaret at the party—but why What did her behaviour mean
It was useless to inquire Long bodily suffering and weakness had but too palpably produced a corresponding feebleness in her intellect What should I do I was resolved to see Margaret that night but to wait for her between two and three hours in company with her father and mother at North Villa was an infliction not to be endured I determined to go to the party No one there would know anything about me They would be all people who lived in a different world from mine and whose manners and habits I might find some amusement in studying At any rate I should spend an hour or two with Margaret and could make it my own charge to see her safely home Without further hesitation therefore I took up the envelope with the address on it and bade Mr and Mrs Sherwin goodnight
It struck ten as I left North Villa The moonlight which was just beginning to shine brilliantly on my arrival there now appeared but at rare intervals for the clouds were spreading thicker and thicker over the whole surface of the sky as the night advanced
VII
The address to which I was now proceeding led me some distance away from Mr Sherwins place of abode in the direction of the populous neighbourhood which lies on the western side of the Edgeware Road The house of Margarets aunt was plainly enough indicated to me as soon as I entered the street where it stood by the glare of light from the windows the sound of dance music and the nondescript group of cabmen and linkmen with their little train of idlers in attendance assembled outside the door It was evidently a very large party I hesitated about going in
My sensations were not those which fit a man for exchanging conventional civilities with perfect strangers I felt that I showed outwardly the fever of joy and expectation within me Could I preserve my assumed character of a mere friend of the family in Margarets presence—and on this night too of all others It was far more probable that my behaviour if I went to the party would betray everything to everybody assembled I determined to walk about in the neighbourhood of the house until twelve oclock and then to go into the hall and send up my card to Mr Mannion with a message on it intimating that I was waiting below to accompany him to North Villa with Margaret
I crossed the street and looked up again at the house from the pavement opposite Then lingered a little listening to the music as it reached me through the windows and imagining to myself Margarets occupation at that moment After this I turned away and set forth eastward on my walk careless in which direction I traced my steps
I felt little impatience and no sense of fatigue for in less than two hours more I knew that I should see my wife again Until then the present had no existence for me—I lived in the past and future I wandered indifferently along lonely byestreets and crowded thoroughfares Of all the sights which attend a nightwalk in a great city not one attracted my notice Uninformed and unobservant neither saddened nor startled I passed through the glittering highways of London All sounds were silent to me save the lovemusic of my own thoughts all sights had vanished before the bright form that moved through my bridal dream Where was my world at that moment Narrowed to the cottage in the country which was to receive us on the morrow Where were the beings in the world All merged in one—Margaret
Sometimes my thoughts glided back dreamily and voluptuously to the day when I first met her Sometimes I recalled the summer evenings when we sat and read together out of the same book and once more it was as if I breathed with the breath and hoped with the hopes and longed with the old longings of those days But oftenest it was with the morrow that my mind was occupied The first dream of all young men—the dream of living rapturously with the woman they love in a secret retirement kept sacred from friends and from strangers alike was now my dream to be realised in a few hours to be realised with my waking on the morning which was already at hand
For the last quarter of an hour of my walk I must have been unconsciously retracing my steps towards the house of Margarets aunt I came in sight of it again just as the sound of the neighbouring church clocks striking eleven roused me from my abstraction More cabs were in the street more people were gathered about the door by this time Was all this bustle the bustle of arrival or of departure Was the party about to break up at an hour when parties usually begin I determined to go nearer to the house and ascertain whether the music had ceased or not
I had approached close enough to hear the notes of the harp and pianoforte still sounding as gaily as ever when the housedoor was suddenly flung open for the departure of a lady and gentleman The light from the halllamps fell on their faces and showed me Margaret and Mr Mannion
Going home already An hour and a half before it was time to return Why
There could be but one reason Margaret was thinking of me and of what I should feel if I called at North Villa and had to wait for her till past midnight I ran forward to speak to them as they descended the steps but exactly at the same moment my voice was overpowered and my further progress barred by a scuffle on the pavement among the people who stood between us One man said that his pocket had been picked others roared to him that they had caught the thief There was a fight—the police came up—I was surrounded on all sides by a shouting struggling mob that seemed to have gathered in an instant
Before I could force myself out of the crowd and escape into the road Margaret and Mr Mannion had hurried into a cab I just saw the vehicle driving off rapidly as I got free An empty cab was standing near me—I jumped into it directly—and told the man to overtake them After having waited my time so patiently to let a mere accident stop me from going home with them as I had resolved was not to be thought of for a moment I was hot and angry after my contest with the crowd and could have flogged on the miserable cabhorse with my own hand rather than have failed in my purpose
We were just getting closer behind them I had just put my head out of the window to call to them and to bid the man who was driving me call too—when their cab abruptly turned down a byestreet in a direction exactly opposite to the direction which led to North Villa
What did this mean Why were they not going straight home
The cabman asked me whether he should not hail them before they got farther away from us frankly confessing as he put the question that his horse was nothing like equal to the pace of the horse ahead Mechanically without assignable purpose or motive I declined his offer and told him simply to follow at any distance he could While the words passed my lips a strange sensation stole over me I seemed to be speaking as the mere mouthpiece of some other voice From feeling hot and moving about restlessly the moment before I felt unaccountably cold and sat still now What caused this
My cab stopped I looked out and saw that the horse had fallen Weve lots of time Sir said the driver as he coolly stepped off the box they are just pulling up further down the road I gave him some money and got out immediately—determined to overtake them on foot
It was a very lonely place—a colony of halffinished streets and halfinhabited houses which had grown up in the neighbourhood of a great railway station I heard the fierce scream of the whistle and the heaving heavy throb of the engine starting on its journey as I advanced along the gloomy Square in which I now found myself The cab I had been following stood at a turning which led into a long street occupied towards the farther end by shops closed for the night and at the end nearest me apparently by private houses only Margaret and Mr Mannion hastily left the cab and without looking either to the right or the left hurried down the street They stopped at the ninth house I followed just in time to hear the door closed on them and to count the number of doors intervening between that door and the Square
The awful thrill of a suspicion which I hardly knew yet for what it really was began to creep over me—to creep like a deadcold touch crawling through and through me to the heart I looked up at the house It was an hotel—a neglected deserted drearylooking building Still acting mechanically still with no definite impulse that I could recognise even if I felt it except the instinctive resolution to follow them into the house as I had already followed them through the street—I walked up to the door and rang the bell
It was answered by a waiter—a mere lad As the light in the passage fell on my face he paused in the act of addressing me and drew back a few steps Without stopping for any explanations I closed the door behind me and said to him at once
A lady and gentleman came into this hotel a little while ago
What may your business be—He hesitated and added in an altered tone I mean what may you want with them Sir
I want you to take me where I can hear their voices and I want nothing more Heres a sovereign for you if you do what I ask
His eyes fastened covetously on the gold as I held it before them He retired a few steps on tiptoe and listened at the end of the passage I heard nothing but the thick rapid beating of my own heart He came back muttering to himself Masters safe at supper down stairs—Ill risk it Youll promise to go away directly he added whispering to me and not disturb the house We are quiet people here and cant have anything like a disturbance Just say at once will you promise to step soft and not speak a word
I promise
This way then Sir—and mind you dont forget to step soft
A strange coldness and stillness an icy insensibility a dreamsensation of being impelled by some hidden irresistible agency possessed me as I followed him upstairs He showed me softly into an empty room pointed to one of the walls whispering Its only boards papered over— and then waited keeping his eyes anxiously and steadily fixed upon all my movements
I listened and through the thin partition I heard voices—her voice and his voice I heard and I knew—knew my degradation in all its infamy knew my wrongs in all their nameless horror He was exulting in the patience and secrecy which had brought success to the foul plot foully hidden for months on months foully hidden until the very day before I was to have claimed as my wife a wretch as guilty as himself
I could neither move nor breathe The blood surged and heaved upward to my brain my heart strained and writhed in anguish the life within me raged and tore to get free Whole years of the direst mental and bodily agony were concentrated in that one moment of helpless motionless torment I never lost the consciousness of suffering I heard the waiter say under his breath My God hes dying I felt him loosen my cravat—I knew that he dashed cold water over me dragged me out of the room and opening a window on the landing held me firmly where the nightair blew upon my face I knew all this and knew when the paroxysm passed and nothing remained of it but a shivering helplessness in every limb
Erelong the power of thinking began to return to me by degrees
Misery and shame and horror and a vain yearning to hide myself from all human eyes and weep out my life in secret overcame me Then these subsided and ONE THOUGHT slowly arose in their stead—arose and cast down before it every obstacle of conscience every principle of education every care for the future every remembrance of the past every weakening influence of present misery every repressing tie of family and home every anxiety for good fame in this life and every idea of the next that was to come Before the fell poison of that Thought all other thoughts—good or evil—died As it spoke secretly within me I felt my bodily strength coming back a quick vigour leapt hotly through my frame I turned and looked round towards the room we had just left—my mind was looking at the room beyond it the room they were in
The waiter was still standing by my side watching me intently He suddenly started back and with pale face and staring eyes pointed down the stairs
You go he whispered go directly Youre well now—Im afraid to have you here any longer I saw your look your horrid look at that room Youve heard what you wanted for your money—go at once or if I lose my place for it Ill call out Murder and raise the house And mind this as true as Gods in heaven Ill warn them both before they go outside our door
Hearing but not heeding him I left the house No voice that ever spoke could have called me back from the course on which I was now bound The waiter watched me vigilantly from the door as I went out Seeing this I made a circuit before I returned to the spot where as I had suspected the cab they had ridden in was still waiting for them
The driver was asleep inside I awoke him told him I had been sent to say that he was not wanted again that night and secured his ready departure by at once paying him on his own terms He drove off and the first obstacle on the fatal path which I had resolved to tread unopposed was now removed
As the cab disappeared from my sight I looked up at the sky It was growing very dark The ragged black clouds fantastically parted from each other in island shapes over the whole surface of the heavens were fast drawing together into one huge formless lowering mass and had already hidden the moon for good I went back to the street and stationed myself in the pitch darkness of a passage which led down a mews situated exactly opposite to the hotel
In the silence and obscurity in the sudden pause of action while I now waited and watched my Thought rose to my lips and my speech mechanically formed it into words I whispered softly to myself I will kill him when he comes out My mind never swerved for an instant from this thought—never swerved towards myself never swerved towards her Grief was numbed at my heart and the consciousness of my own misery was numbed with grief Death chills all before it—and Death and my Thought were one
Once while I stood on the watch a sharp agony of suspense tried me fiercely
Just as I had calculated that the time was come which would force them to depart in order to return to North Villa by the appointed hour I heard the slow heavy regular tramp of a footstep advancing along the street It was the policeman of the district going his round As he approached the entrance to the mews he paused yawned stretched his arms and began to whistle a tune If Mannion should come out while he was there My blood seemed to stagnate on its course while I thought that this might well happen Suddenly the man ceased whistling looked steadily up and down the street and tried the door of a house near him—advanced a few steps—then paused again and tried another door—then muttered to himself in drowsy tones—Ive seen all safe here already its the other street I forgot just now He turned and retraced his way I fixed my aching eyes vigilantly on the hotel while I heard the sound of his footsteps grow fainter and fainter in the distance It ceased altogether and still there was no change—still the man whose life I was waiting for never appeared
Ten minutes after this so far as I can guess the door opened and I heard Mannions voice and the voice of the lad who had let me in Look about you before you go out said the waiter speaking in the passage the streets not safe for you Disbelieving or affecting to disbelieve what he heard Mannion interrupted the waiter angrily and endeavoured to reassure his companion in guilt by asserting that the warning was nothing but an attempt to extort money by way of reward The man retorted sulkily that he cared nothing for the gentlemans money or the gentleman either Immediately afterwards an inner door in the house banged violently and I knew that Mannion had been left to his fate
There was a momentary silence and then I heard him tell his accomplice that he would go alone to look for the cab and that she had better close the door and wait quietly in the passage till he came back This was done He walked out into the street It was after twelve oclock No sound of a strange footfall was audible—no soul was at hand to witness and prevent the coming struggle His life was mine His death followed him as fast as my feet followed while I was now walking on his track
He looked up and down from the entrance to the street for the cab Then seeing that it was gone he hastily turned back At that instant I met him face to face Before a word could be spoken even before a look could be exchanged my hands were on his throat
He was a taller and heavier man than I was and struggled with me knowing that he was struggling for his life He never shook my grasp on him for a moment but he dragged me out into the road—dragged me away eight or ten yards from the street The heavy gasps of approaching suffocation beat thick on my forehead from his open mouth he swerved to and fro furiously from side to side and struck at me swinging his clenched fists high above his head I stood firm and held him away at arms length As I dug my feet into the ground to steady myself I heard the crunching of stones—the road had been newly mended with granite Instantly a savage purpose goaded into fury the deadly resolution by which I was possessed I shifted my hold to the back of his neck and the collar of his coat and hurled him with the whole impetus of the raging strength that was let loose in me face downwards on to the stones
In the mad triumph of that moment I had already stooped towards him as he lay insensible beneath me to lift him again and beat out of him on the granite not life only but the semblance of humanity as well when in the blank stillness that followed the struggle I heard the door of the hotel in the street open once more I left him directly and ran back from the square—I knew not with what motive or what idea—to the spot
On the steps of the house on the threshold of that accursed place stood the woman whom Gods minister had given to me in the sight of God as my wife
One long pang of shame and despair shot through my heart as I looked at her and tortured out of its trance the spirit within me Thousands on thousands of thoughts seemed to be whirling in the wildest confusion through and through my brain—thoughts whose track was a track of fire—thoughts that struck me with a hellish torment of dumbness at the very time when I would have purchased with my life the power of a moments speech Voiceless and tearless I went up to her and took her by the arm and drew her away from the house There was some vague purpose in me as I did this of never quitting my hold of her never letting her stir from me by so much as an inch until I had spoken certain words to her What words they were and when I should utter them I could not tell
The cry for mercy was on her lips but the instant our eyes met it died away in long low hysterical moanings Her cheeks were ghastly her features were rigid her eyes glared like an idiots guilt and terror had made her hideous to look upon already
I drew her onward a few paces towards the Square Then I stopped remembering the body that lay face downwards on the road The savage strength of a few moments before had left me from the time when I first saw her I now reeled where I stood from sheer physical weakness The sound of her pantings and shudderings of her abject inarticulate murmurings for mercy struck me with a supernatural terror My fingers trembled round her arm the perspiration dripped down my face like rain I caught at the railings by my side to keep myself from falling As I did so she snatched her arm from my grasp as easily as if I had been a child and with a cry for help fled towards the further end of the street
Still the strange instinct of never losing hold of her influenced me I followed staggering like a drunken man In a moment she was out of my reach in another out of my sight I went on nevertheless on and on and on I knew not whither I lost all ideas of time and distance Sometimes I went round and round the same streets over and over again Sometimes I hurried in one direction straight forward Wherever I went it seemed to me that she was still just before that her track and my track were one that I had just lost my hold of her and that she was just starting on her flight
I remember passing two men in this way in some great thoroughfare They both stopped turned and walked a few steps after me One laughed at me as a drunkard The other in serious tones told him to be silent for I was not drunk but mad—he had seen my face as I passed under a gaslamp and he knew that I was mad
MAD—that word as I heard it rang after me like a voice of judgment MAD—a fear had come over me which in all its frightful complication was expressed by that one word—a fear which to the man who suffers it is worse even than the fear of death which no human language ever has conveyed or ever will convey in all its horrible reality to others I had pressed onward hitherto because I saw a vision that led me after it—a beckoning shadow ahead darker even than the night darkness I still pressed on now but only because I was afraid to stop
I know not how far I had gone when my strength utterly failed me and I sank down helpless in a lonely place where the houses were few and scattered and trees and fields were dimly discernible in the obscurity beyond I hid my face in my hands and tried to assure myself that I was still in possession of my senses I strove hard to separate my thoughts to distinguish between my recollections to extricate from the confusion within me any one idea no matter what—and I could not do it In that awful struggle for the mastery over my own mind all that had passed all the horror of that horrible night became as nothing to me I raised myself and looked up again and tried to steady my reason by the simplest means—even by endeavouring to count all the houses within sight The darkness bewildered me Darkness—Was it dark or was day breaking yonder far away in the murky eastern sky Did I know what I saw Did I see the same thing for a few moments together What was this under me Grass yes cold soft dewy grass I bent down my forehead upon it and tried for the last time to steady my faculties by praying tried if I could utter the prayer which I had known and repeated every day from childhood—the Lords Prayer The Divine Words came not at my call—no not one of them from the beginning to the end I started up on my knees A blaze of lurid sunshine flashed before my eyes a hellblaze of brightness with fiends by millions raining down out of it on my head then a rayless darkness—the darkness of the blind—then Gods mercy at last—the mercy of utter oblivion
When I recovered my consciousness I was lying on the couch in my own study My father was supporting me on the pillow the doctor had his fingers on my pulse and a policeman was telling them where he had found me and how he had brought me home
PART III
I
WHEN the blind are operated on for the restoration of sight the same succouring hand which has opened to them the visible world immediately shuts out the bright prospect again for a time A bandage is passed over the eyes lest in the first tenderness of the recovered sense it should be fatally affected by the sudden transition from darkness to light But between the awful blank of total privation of vision and the temporary blank of vision merely veiled there lies the widest difference In the moment of their restoration the blind have had one glimpse of light flashing on them in an overpowering gleam of brightness which the thickest closest veiling cannot extinguish The new darkness is not like the void darkness of old it is filled with changing visions of brilliant colours and evervarying forms rising falling whirling hither and thither with every second Even when the handkerchief is passed over them the once sightless eyes though bandaged fast are yet not blinded as they were before
It was so with my mental vision After the utter oblivion and darkness of a deep swoon consciousness flashed like light on my mind when I found myself in my fathers presence and in my own home But almost at the very moment when I first awakened to the bewildering influence of that sight a new darkness fell upon my faculties—a darkness this time which was not utter oblivion a peopled darkness like that which the bandage casts over the opened eyes of the blind
I had sensations I had thoughts I had visions now—but they all acted in the frightful selfconcentration of delirium The lapse of time the march of events the alternation of day and night the persons who moved about me the words they spoke the offices of kindness they did for me—all these were annihilated from the period when I closed my eyes again after having opened them for an instant on my father in my own study
My first sensation how soon it came after I had been brought home I know not was of a terrible heat a steady blazing heat which seemed to have shrivelled and burnt up the whole of the little world around me and to have left me alone to suffer but never to consume in it After this came a quick restless unintermittent toiling of obscure thought ever in the same darkened sphere ever on the same impenetrable subject ever failing to reach some distant and visionary result It was as if something were imprisoned in my mind and moving always to and fro in it—moving but never getting free
Soon these thoughts began to take a form that I could recognise
In the clinging heat and fierce seething fever to which neither waking nor sleeping brought a breath of freshness or a dream of change I began to act my part over again in the events that had passed but in a strangely altered character Now instead of placing implicit trust in others as I had done instead of failing to discover a significance and a warning in each circumstance as it arose I was suspicious from the first—suspicious of Margaret of her father of her mother of Mannion of the very servants in the house In the hideous phantasmagoria of my own calamity on which I now looked my position was reversed Every event of the doomed year of my probation was revived But the doom itself the nightscene of horror through which I had passed had utterly vanished from my memory This lost recollection it was the one unending toil of my wandering mind to recover and I never got it back None who have not suffered as I suffered then can imagine with what a burning rage of determination I followed past events in my delirium one by one for days and nights together—followed to get to the end which I knew was beyond but which I never could see not even by glimpses for a moment at a time
However my visions might alter in their course of succession they always began with the night when Mannion returned from the continent to North Villa I stood again in the drawingroom I saw him enter I marked the slight confusion of Margaret and instantly doubted her I noticed his unwillingness to meet her eye or mine I looked on the sinister stillness of his face and suspected him From that moment love vanished and hatred came in its place I began to watch to garner up slight circumstances which confirmed my suspicions to wait craftily for the day when I should discover judge and punish them both—the day of disclosure and retribution that never came
Sometimes I was again with Mannion in his house on the night of the storm I detected in every word he spoke an artful lure to trap me into trusting him as my second father more than as my friend I heard in the tempest sounds which mysteriously interrupted or mingled with my answers voices supernaturally warning me of my enemy each time that I spoke to him I saw once more the hideous smile of triumph on his face as I took leave of him on the doorstep and saw it this time not as an illusion produced by a flash of lightning but as a frightful reality which the lightning disclosed
Sometimes I was again in the garden at North Villa accidentally overhearing the conversation between Margaret and her mother—overhearing what deceit she was willing to commit for the sake of getting a new dress—then going into the room and seeing her assume her usual manner on meeting me as if no such words as I had listened to but the moment before had ever proceeded from her lips Or I saw her on that other morning when to revenge the death of her bird she would have killed with her own hand the one pet companion that her sick mother possessed Now no generous trusting love blinded me to the real meaning of such events as these Now instead of regarding them as little weaknesses of beauty and little errors of youth I saw them as timely warnings which bade me remember when the day of my vengeance came that in the contriving of the iniquity on which they were both bent the woman had been as vile as the man
Sometimes I was once more on my way to North Villa after my weeks absence at our country house I saw again the change in Margaret since I had left her—the paleness the restlessness the appearance of agitation I took the hand of Mannion and started as I felt its deadly coldness and remarked the strange alteration in his manner When they accounted for these changes by telling me that both had been ill in different ways since my departure I detected the miserable lie at once I knew that an evil advantage had been taken of my absence that the plot against me was fast advancing towards consummation and that at the sight of their victim even the two wretches who were compassing my dishonour could not repress all outward manifestation of their guilt
Sometimes the figure of Mrs Sherwin appeared to me wan and weary and mournful with a ghostly mournfulness Again I watched her and listened to her but now with eager curiosity with breathless attention Once more I saw her shudder when Mannions cold eyes turned on her face—I marked the anxious imploring look that she cast on Margaret and on me—I heard her confused unwilling answer when I inquired the cause of her dislike of the man in whom her husband placed the most implicit trust—I listened to her abrupt inexplicable injunction to watch continually over my wife and keep bad people from her All these different circumstances occurred again as vividly as in the reality but I did not now account for them as I had once accounted for them by convincing myself that Mrs Sherwins mind was wandering and that her bodily sufferings had affected her intellect I saw immediately that she suspected Mannion and dared not openly confess her suspicions I saw that in the stillness and abandonment and selfconcentration of her neglected life she had been watching more vigilantly than others had watched I detected in every one of her despised gestures and looks and halting words the same concealed warning ever lying beneath the surface I knew they had not succeeded in deceiving her I was determined they should not succeed in deceiving me
It was oftenest at this point that my restless memory recoiled before the impenetrable darkness which forbade it to see further—to see on to the last evening to the fatal night It was oftenest at this point that I toiled and struggled back over and over again to seek once more the lost events of the End through the events of the Beginning How often my wandering thoughts thus incessantly and desperately traced and retraced their way over their own fever track I cannot tell but there came a time when they suddenly ceased to torment me when the heavy burden that was on my mind fell off when a sudden strength and fury possessed me and I plunged down through a vast darkness into a world whose daylight was all radiant flame Giant phantoms mustered by millions flashing white as lightning in the ruddy air They rushed on me with hurricane speed their wings fanned me with fiery breezes and the echo of their thundermusic was like the groaning and rending of an earthquake as they tore me away with them on their whirlwind course
Away to a City of Palaces to measureless halls and arches and domes soaring one above another till their flashing ruby summits are lost in the burning void high overhead On through and through these mountainpiles into countless limitless corridors reared on pillars lurid and rosy as molten lava Far down the corridors rise visions of flying phantoms ever at the same distance before us—their raving voices clanging like the hammers of a thousand forges Still on and on faster and faster for days years centuries together till there comes stealing slowly forward to meet us a shadow—a vast stealthy gliding shadow—the first darkness that has ever been shed over that world of blazing light It comes nearer—nearer and nearer softly till it touches the front ranks of our phantom troop Then in an instant our rushing progress is checked the thundermusic of our wild march stops the raving voices of the spectres ahead cease a horror of blank stillness is all about us—and as the shadow creeps onward and onward until we are enveloped in it from front to rear we shiver with icy cold under the fiery air and amid the lurid lava pillars which hem us in on either side
A silence like no silence ever known on earth a darkening of the shadow blacker than the blackest night in the thickest wood—a pause—then a sound as of the heavy air being cleft asunder and then an apparition of two figures coming on out of the shadow—two monsters stretching forth their gnarled yellow talons to grasp at us leaving on their track a green decay oozing and shining with a sickly light Beyond and around me as I stood in the midst of them the phantom troop dropped into formless masses while the monsters advanced They came close to me and I alone of all the myriads around changed not at their approach Each laid a talon on my shoulder—each raised a veil which was one hideous network of twining worms I saw through the ghastly corruption of their faces the look that told me who they were—the monstrous iniquities incarnate in monstrous forms the fiendsouls made visible in fiendshapes—Margaret and Mannion
A moment more and I was alone with those two Not a wreck of the phantommultitude remained the towering city the gleaming corridors the firebright radiance had vanished We stood on a wilderness—a still black lake of dead waters was before us a white faint misty light shone on us Outspread over the noisome ground lay the ruins of a house rooted up and overthrown to its foundations The demon figures still watching on either side of me drew me slowly forward to the fallen stones and pointed to two dead bodies lying among them
My father—my sister—both cold and still and whiter than the white light that showed them to me The demons at my side stretched out their crooked talons and forbade me to kneel before my father or to kiss Claras wan face before I went to torment They struck me motionless where I stood—and unveiled their hideous faces once more jeering at me in triumph Anon the lake of black waters heaved up and overflowed and noiselessly sucked us away into its central depths—depths that were endless depths of rayless darkness in which we slowly eddied round and round deeper and deeper down at every turn I felt the bodies of my father and my sister touching me in cold contact I stretched out my arms to clasp them and sink with them and the demon pair glided between us and separated me from them This vain striving to join myself to my dead kindred when we touched each other in the slow endless whirlpool ever continued and was ever frustrated in the same way Still we sank apart down the black gulphs of the lake still there was no light no sound no change no pause of repose—and this was eternity the eternity of Hell
Such was one dreamvision out of many that I saw It must have been at this time that men were set to watch me day and night as I afterwards heard in order that I might be held down in my bed when a paroxysm of convulsive strength made me dangerous to myself and to all about me The period too when the doctors announced that the fever had seized on my brain and was getting the better of their skill must have been this period
But though they gave up my life as lost I was not to die There came a time at last when the gnawing fever lost its hold and I awoke faintly one morning to a new existence—to a life frail and helpless as the life of a newborn babe
I was too weak to move to speak to open my eyes to exert in the smallest degree any one faculty bodily or mental that I possessed The first sense of which I regained the use was the sense of hearing and the first sound that I recognised was of a light footstep which mysteriously approached paused and then retired again gently outside my door The hearing of this sound was my first pleasure the waiting for its repetition my first source of happy expectation since I had been ill Once more the footsteps approached—paused a moment—then seemed to retire as before—then returned slowly A sigh very faint and trembling a whisper of which I could not yet distinguish the import caught my ear—and after that there was silence Still I waited oh how happily and calmly to hear the whisper soon repeated and to hear it better when it next came Ere long for the third time the footsteps advanced and the whispering accents sounded again I could now hear that they pronounced my name—once twice three times—very softly and imploringly as if to beg the answer which I was still too weak to give But I knew the voice I knew it was Claras Long after it had ceased the whisper lingered gently on my ear like a lullaby that alternately soothed me to slumber and welcomed me to wakefulness It seemed to be thrilling through my frame with a tender reviving influence—the same influence which the sunshine had weeks afterwards when I enjoyed it for the first time out of doors
The next sound that came to me was audible in my room audible sometimes close at my pillow It was the simplest sound imaginable—nothing but the soft rustling of a womans dress And yet I heard in it innumerable harmonies sweet changes and pauses minute beyond all definition I could only open my eyes for a minute at a time and even then could not fix them steadily on anything but I knew that the rustling dress was Claras and fresh sensations seemed to throng upon me as I listened to the sound which told me that she was in the room I felt the soft summer air on my face I enjoyed the sweet scent of flowers wafted on that air and once when my door was left open for a moment the twittering of birds in the aviary down stairs rang with exquisite clearness and sweetness on my ear It was thus that my faculties strengthened hour by hour always in the same gradual way from the time when I first heard the footstep and the whisper outside my chamberdoor
One evening I awoke from a cool dreamless sleep and seeing Clara sitting by my bedside faintly uttered her name and moved my wasted hand to take hers As I saw the calm familiar face bending over me the anxious eyes looking tenderly and lovingly into mine—as the last melancholy glory of sunset hovered on my bed and the air sinking already into its twilight repose came softly and more softly into the room—as my sister took me in her arms and raising me on my weary pillow bade me for her sake lie hushed and patient a little longer—the memory of the ruin and the shame that had overwhelmed me the memory of my love that had become an infamy and of my brief years hope miserably fulfilled by a life of despair swelled darkly over my heart The red retiring rays of sunset just lingered at that moment on my face Clara knelt down by my pillow and held up her handkerchief to shade my eyes—God has given you back to us Basil she whispered to make us happier than ever As she spoke the springs of the grief so long pent up within me were loosened hot tears dropped heavily and quickly from my eyes and I wept for the first time since the night of horror which had stretched me where I now lay—wept in my sisters arms at that quiet evening hour for the lost honour the lost hope the lost happiness that had gone from me for ever in my youth
II
Darkly and wearily the days of my recovery went on After that first outburst of sorrow on the evening when I recognised my sister and murmured her name as she sat by my side there sank over all my faculties a dull heavy trance of mental pain
I dare not describe what remembrances of the guilty woman who had deceived and ruined me now gnawed unceasingly and poisonously at my heart My bodily strength feebly revived but my mental energies never showed a sign of recovering with them My fathers considerate forbearance Claras sorrowful reserve in touching on the subject of my long illness or of the wild words which had escaped me in my delirium mutely and gently warned me that the time was come when I owed the tardy atonement of confession to the family that I had disgraced and still I had no courage to speak no resolution to endure The great misery of the past shut out from me the present and the future alike—every active power of my mind seemed to be destroyed hopelessly and for ever
There were moments—most often at the early morning hours while the heaviness of the nights sleep still hung over me in my wakefulness—when I could hardly realise the calamity which had overwhelmed me when it seemed that I must have dreamt during the night of scenes of crime and woe and heavy trial which had never actually taken place What was the secret of the terrible influence which—let her even be the vilest of the vile—Mannion must have possessed over Margaret Sherwin to induce her to sacrifice me to him Even the crime itself was not more hideous and more incredible than the mystery in which its evil motives and the manner of its evil ripening were still impenetrably veiled
Mannion It was a strange result of the mental malady under which I suffered that though the thought of Mannion was now inextricably connected with every thought of Margaret I never once asked myself or had an idea of asking myself for days together after my convalescence what had been the issue of our struggle for him In the despair of first awakening to a perfect sense of the calamity which had been hurled on me from the hand of my wife—in the misery of first clearly connecting together after the wanderings of delirium the Margaret to whom with my hand I had given all my heart with the Margaret who had trampled on the gift and ruined the giver—all minor thoughts and minor feelings all motives of revengeful curiosity or of personal apprehension were suppressed And yet the time was soon to arrive when that lost thought of inquiry into Mannions fate was to become the one masterthought that possessed me—the thought that gave back its vigilance to my intellect and its manhood to my heart
One evening I was sitting alone in my room My father had taken Clara out for a little air and exercise and the servant had gone away at my own desire It was in this quiet and solitude when the darkness was fast approaching when the view from my window was at its loneliest when my mind was growing listless and confused as the weary day wore out—it was exactly at this time that the thought suddenly and mysteriously flashed across me Had Mannion been taken up from the stones on which I had hurled him a living man or a dead
I instinctively started to my feet with something of the vigour of my former health repeating the question to myself and feeling as I unconsciously murmured aloud the few words which expressed it that my life had purposes and duties trials and achievements which were yet to be fulfilled How could I instantly solve the momentous doubt which had now for the first time crossed my mind
One moment I paused in eager consideration—the next I descended to the library A daily newspaper was kept there filed for reference I might possibly decide the fatal question in a few moments by consulting it In my burning anxiety and impatience I could hardly handle the leaves or see the letters as I tried to turn back to the right date—the day oh anguish of remembrance on which I was to have claimed Margaret Sherwin as my wife
At last I found the number I desired but the closelyprinted columns swam before me as I looked at them A glass of water stood on a table near me—I dipped my handkerchief in it and cooled my throbbing eyes The destiny of my future life might be decided by the discovery I was now about to make
I locked the door to guard against all intrusion and then returned to my task—returned to my momentous search—slowly tracing my way through the paper paragraph by paragraph column by column
On the last page and close to the end I read these lines
MYSTERIOUS OCCURRENCE
About one oclock this morning a gentleman was discovered lying on his face in the middle of the road in Westwood Square by the policeman on duty The unfortunate man was to all appearance dead He had fallen on a part of the road which had been recently macadamised and his face we are informed is frightfully mutilated by contact with the granite The policeman conveyed him to the neighbouring hospital where it was discovered that he was still alive and the promptest attentions were immediately paid him We understand that the surgeon in attendance considers it absolutely impossible that he could have been injured as he was except by having been violently thrown down on his face either by a vehicle driven at a furious rate or by a savage attack from some person or persons unknown In the latter case robbery could not have been the motive for the unfortunate mans watch purse and ring were all found about him No cards of address or letters of any kind were discovered in his pockets and his linen and handkerchief were only marked with the letter M He was dressed in evening costume—entirely in black After what has been already said about the injuries to his face any recognisable personal description of him is for the present unfortunately out of the question We wait with much anxiety to gain some further insight into this mysterious affair when the sufferer is restored to consciousness The last particulars which our reporter was able to collect at the hospital were that the surgeon expected to save his patients life and the sight of one of his eyes The sight of the other is understood to be entirely destroyed
With sensations of horror which I could not then and cannot now analyse I turned to the next days paper but found in it no further reference to the object of my search In the number for the day after however the subject was resumed in these words
The mystery of the accident in Westwood Square thickens The sufferer is restored to consciousness he is perfectly competent to hear and understand what is said to him and is able to articulate but not very plainly and only for a moment or so at a time The authorities at the hospital anticipated as we did that on the patients regaining his senses some information of the manner in which the terrible accident from which he is suffering was caused would be obtained from him But to the astonishment of every one he positively refuses to answer any questions as to the circumstances under which his frightful injuries were inflicted With the same unaccountable secrecy he declines to tell his name his place of abode or the names of any friends to whom notice of his situation might be communicated It is quite in vain to press him for any reason for this extraordinary course of conduct—he appears to be a man of very unusual firmness of character and his refusal to explain himself in any way is evidently no mere caprice of the moment All this leads to the conjecture that the injuries he has sustained were inflicted on him from some motive of private vengeance and that certain persons are concerned in this disgraceful affair whom he is unwilling to expose to public odium for some secret reason which it is impossible to guess at We understand that he bears the severe pain consequent upon his situation in such a manner as to astonish every person about him—no agony draws from him a word or a sigh He displayed no emotion even when the surgeons informed him that the sight of one of his eyes was hopelessly destroyed and merely asked to be supplied with writing materials as soon as he could see to use them when he was told that the sight of the other would be saved He further added we are informed that he was in a position to reward the hospital authorities for any trouble he gave by making a present to the funds of the charity as soon as he should be discharged as cured His coolness in the midst of sufferings which would deprive most other men of all power of thinking or speaking is as remarkable as his unflinching secrecy—a secrecy which for the present at least we cannot hope to penetrate
I closed the newspaper Even then a vague forewarning of what Mannions inexplicable reserve boded towards me crossed my mind There was yet more difficulty danger and horror to be faced than I had hitherto confronted The slough of degradation and misery into which I had fallen had its worst perils yet in store for me
As I became impressed by this conviction the enervating remembrance of the wickedness to which I had been sacrificed grew weaker in its influence over me the bitter tears that I had shed in secret for so many days past dried sternly at their sources and I felt the power to endure and to resist coming back to me with my sense of the coming strife On leaving the library I ascended again to my own room In a basket on my table lay several unopened letters which had arrived for me during my illness There were two which I at once suspected in hastily turning over the collection might be allimportant in enlightening me on the vile subject of Mannions female accomplice The addresses of both these letters were in Mr Sherwins handwriting The first that I opened was dated nearly a month back and ran thus
North Villa Hollyoake Square
DEAR SIR
With agonised feelings which no one but a parent and I will add an affectionate parent can possibly form an idea of I address you on the subject of the act of atrocity committed by that perjured villain Mannion You will find that I and my innocent daughter have been like you victims of the most devilish deceit that ever was practised on respectable and unsuspecting people
Let me ask you Sir to imagine the state of my feelings on the night of that most unfortunate party when I saw my beloved Margaret instead of coming home quietly as usual rush into the room in a state bordering on distraction with a tale the most horrible that ever was addressed to a fathers ears The doublefaced villain I really cant mention his name again had I blush to acknowledge attempted to take advantage of her innocence and confidence—all our innocences and confidences I may say—but my dear Margaret showed a virtuous courage beyond her years the natural result of the pious principles and the moral bringing up which I have given her from her cradle Need I say what was the upshot Virtue triumphed as virtue always does and the villain left her to herself It was when she was approaching the doorstep to fly to the bosom of her home that I am given to understand you by a most remarkable accident met her As a man of the world you will easily conceive what must have been the feelings of a young female under such peculiar and shocking circumstances Besides this your manner as I am informed was so terrifying and extraordinary and my poor Margaret felt so strongly that deceitful appearances might be against her that she lost all heart and fled at once as I said before to the bosom of her home
She is still in a very nervous and unhappy state she fears that you may be too ready to believe appearances but I know better Her explanation will be enough for you as it was for me We may have our little differences on minor topics but we have both the same manly confidence I am sure—you in your wife and me in my daughter
I called at your worthy fathers mansion to have a fuller explanation with you than I can give here the morning after this toallpartiesmostdistressing occurrence happened and was then informed of your serious illness for which pray accept my best condolences The next thing I thought of doing was to write to your respected father requesting a private interview But on maturer consideration I thought it perhaps slightly injudicious to take such a step while you as the principal party concerned were ill in bed and not able to come forward and back me I was anxious you will observe to act for your interests as well as the interests of my darling girl—of course knowing at the same time that I had the marriage certificate in my possession if needed as a proof and supposing I was driven to extremities and obliged to take my own course in the matter But as I said before I have a fatherly and friendly confidence in your feeling as convinced of the spotless innocence of my child as I do So will write no more on this head
Having determined as best under all circumstances to wait till your illness was over I have kept my dear Margaret in strict retirement at home which as she is your wife you will acknowledge I had no obligation to do until you were well enough to come forward and do her justice before her family and yours I have not omitted to make almost daily inquiries after you up to the time of penning these lines and shall continue so to do until your convalescence which I sincerely hope may be speedily at hand I am unfortunately obliged to ask that our first interview when you are able to see me and my daughter may not take place at North Villa but at some other place any you like to fix on The fact is my wife whose wretched health has been a trouble and annoyance to us for years past has now I grieve to say under pressure of this sad misfortune quite lost her reason I am sorry to say that she would be capable of interrupting us here in a most undesirable manner to all parties and therefore request that our first happy meeting may not take place at my house
Trusting that this letter will quite remove all unpleasant feelings from your mind and that I shall hear from you soon on your muchtobedesired recovery
I remain dear Sir
Your faithful obedient servant
STEPHEN SHERWIN
P S—I have not been able to find out where that scoundrel Mannion has betaken himself to but if you should know or suspect I wish to tell you as a proof that my indignation at his villany is as great as yours that I am ready and anxious to pursue him with the utmost rigour of the law if law can only reach him—paying out of my own pocket all expenses of punishing him and breaking him for the rest of his life if I go through every court in the country to do it—S S
Hurriedly as I read over this wretched and revolting letter I detected immediately how the new plot had been framed to keep me still deceived to heap wrong after wrong on me with the same impunity She was not aware that I had followed her into the house and had heard all from her voice and Mannions—she believed that I was still ignorant of everything until we met at the doorstep and in this conviction she had forged the miserable lie which her fathers hand had written down Did he really believe it or was he writing as her accomplice It was not worth while to inquire the worst and darkest discovery which it concerned me to make had already proclaimed itself—she was a liar and a hypocrite to the very last
And it was this womans lightest glance which had once been to me as the star that my life looked to—it was for this woman that I had practised a deceit on my family which it now revolted me to think of had braved whatever my fathers anger might inflict had risked cheerfully the loss of all that birth and fortune could bestow Why had I ever risen from my weary bed of sickness—it would have been better far better that I had died
But while life remained life had its trials and its toils from which it was useless to shrink There was still another letter to be opened there was yet more wickedness which I must know how to confront
The second of Mr Sherwins letters was much shorter than the first and had apparently been written not more than a day or two back His tone was changed he truckled to me no longer—he began to threaten I was reminded that the servants report pronounced me to have been convalescent for several days past and was asked why under these circumstances I had never even written I was warned that my silence had been construed greatly to my disadvantage and that if it continued longer the writer would assert his daughters cause loudly and publicly not to my father only but to all the world The letter ended by according to me three days more of grace before the fullest disclosure would be made
For a moment my indignation got the better of me I rose to go that instant to North Villa and unmask the wretches who still thought to make their market of me as easily as ever But the mere momentary delay caused by opening the door of my room restored me to myself I felt that my first duty my paramount obligation was to confess all to my father immediately to know and accept my future position in my own home before I went out from it to denounce others I returned to the table and gathered up the letters scattered on it My heart beat fast my head felt confused but I was resolute in my determination to tell my father at all hazards the tale of degradation which I have told in these pages
I waited in the stillness and loneliness until it grew nearly dark The servant brought in candles Why could I not ask him whether my father and Clara had come home yet Was I faltering in my resolution already
Shortly after this I heard a step on the stairs and a knock at my door—My father No Clara I tried to speak to her unconcernedly when she came in
Why you have been walking till it is quite dark Clara
We have only been in the garden of the Square—neither papa nor I noticed how late it was We were talking on a subject of the deepest interest to us both
She paused a moment and looked down then hurriedly came nearer to me and drew a chair to my side There was a strange expression of sadness and anxiety in her face as she continued
Cant you imagine what the subject was It was you Basil Papa is coming here directly to speak to you
She stopped once more Her cheeks reddened a little and she mechanically busied herself in arranging some books that lay on the table Suddenly she abandoned this employment the colour left her face it was quite pale when she addressed me again speaking in very altered tones so altered that I hardly recognised them as hers
You know Basil that for a long time past you have kept some secret from us and you promised that I should know it first but I—I have changed my mind I have no wish to know it dear I would rather we never said anything about it She coloured and hesitated a little again then proceeded quickly and earnestly But I hope you will tell it all to papa he is coming here to ask you—oh Basil be candid with him and tell him everything let us all be to one another what we were before this time last year You have nothing to fear if you only speak openly for I have begged him to be gentle and forgiving with you and you know he refuses me nothing I only came here to prepare you to beg you to be candid and patient Hush there is a step on the stairs Speak out Basil for my sake—pray pray speak out and then leave the rest to me
She hurriedly left the room The next minute my father entered it
Perhaps my guilty conscience deceived me but I thought he looked at me more sadly and severely than I had ever seen him look before His voice too was troubled when he spoke This was a change which meant much in him
I have come to speak to you he said on a subject about which I had much rather you had spoken to me first
I think Sir I know to what subject you refer I—
I must beg you will listen to me as patiently as you can he rejoined I have not much to say
He paused and sighed heavily I thought he looked at me more kindly My heart grew very sad and I yearned to throw my arms round his neck to give freedom to the repressed tears which half choked me to weep out on his bosom my confession that I was no more worthy to be called his son Oh that I had obeyed the impulse which moved me to do this
Basil pursued my father gravely and sadly I hope and believe that I have little to reproach myself with in my conduct towards you I think I am justified in saying that very few fathers would have acted towards a son as I have acted for the last year or more I may often have grieved over the secresy which has estranged you from us I may even have shown you by my manner that I resented it but I have never used my authority to force you into the explanation of your conduct which you have been so uniformly unwilling to volunteer I rested on that implicit faith in the honour and integrity of my son which I will not yet believe to have been illplaced but which I fear has led me to neglect too long the duty of inquiry which I owed to your own wellbeing and to my position towards you I am now here to atone for this omission circumstances have left me no choice It deeply concerns my interest as a father and my honour as the head of our family to know what heavy misfortune it was I can imagine it to be nothing else that stretched my son senseless in the open street and afflicted him afterwards with an illness which threatened his reason and his life You are now sufficiently recovered to reveal this and I only use my legitimate authority over my own children when I tell you that I must now know all If you persist in remaining silent the relations between us must henceforth change for life
I am ready to make my confession Sir I only ask you to believe beforehand that if I have sinned grievously against you I have been already heavily punished for the sin I am afraid it is impossible that your worst forebodings can have prepared you—
The words you spoke in your delirium—words which I heard but will not judge you by—justified the worst forebodings
My illness has spared me the hardest part of a hard trial Sir if it has prepared you for what I have to confess if you suspect—
I do not suspect—I feel but too sure that you my second son from whom I had expected far better things have imitated in secret—I am afraid outstripped—the worst vices of your elder brother
My brother—my brothers faults mine Ralph
Yes Ralph It is my last hope that you will now imitate Ralphs candour Take example from that best part of him as you have already taken example from the worst
My heart grew faint and cold as he spoke Ralphs example Ralphs vices—vices of the reckless hour or the idle day—vices whose stain in the worlds eye was not a stain for life—convenient reclaimable vices that men were mercifully unwilling to associate with grinning infamy and irreparable disgrace How far—how fearfully far my father was from the remotest suspicion of what had really happened I tried to answer his last words but the apprehension of the lifelong humiliation and grief which my confession might inflict on him—absolutely incapable as he appeared to be of foreboding even the least degrading part of it—kept me speechless When he resumed after a momentary silence his tones were stern his looks searching—pitilessly searching and bent full upon my face
A person has been calling named Sherwin he said and inquiring about you every day What intimate connection between you authorises this perfect stranger to me to come to the house as frequently as he does and to make his inquiries with a familiarity of tone and manner which has struck every one of the servants who have on different occasions opened the door to him Who is this Mr Sherwin
It is not with him Sir that I can well begin I must go back—
You must go back farther I am afraid than you will be able to return You must go back to the time when you had nothing to conceal from me and when you could speak to me with the frankness and directness of a gentleman
Pray be patient with me Sir give me a few minutes to collect myself I have much need for a little selfpossession before I tell you all
All your tones mean more than your words—they are candid at least Have I feared the worst and yet not feared as I ought Basil—do you hear me Basil You are trembling very strangely you are growing pale
I shall be better directly Sir I am afraid I am not quite so strong yet as I thought myself Father I am heartbroken and spiritbroken be patient and kind to me or I cannot speak to you
I thought I saw his eyes moisten He shaded them a moment with his hand and sighed again—the same long trembling sigh that I had heard before I tried to rise from my chair and throw myself on my knees at his feet He mistook the action and caught me by the arm believing that I was fainting
No more tonight Basil he said hurriedly but very gently no more on this subject till tomorrow
I can speak now Sir it is better to speak at once
No you are too much agitated you are weaker than I thought Tomorrow in the morning when you are stronger after a nights rest No I will hear nothing more Go to bed now I will tell your sister not to disturb you tonight Tomorrow you shall speak to me and speak in your own way without interruption Goodnight Basil goodnight
Without waiting to shake hands with me he hastened to the door as if anxious to hide from my observation the grief and apprehension which had evidently overcome him But just at the moment when he was leaving the room he hesitated turned round looked sorrowfully at me for an instant and then retracing his steps gave me his hand pressed mine for a moment in silence and left me
After the morrow was over would he ever give me that hand again
III
The morning which was to decide all between my father and me the morning on whose event hung the future of my home life was the brightest and loveliest that my eyes ever looked on A cloudless sky a soft air sunshine so joyous and dazzling that the commonest objects looked beautiful in its light seemed to be mocking at me for my heavy heart as I stood at my window and thought of the hard duty to be fulfilled on the harder judgment that might be pronounced before the dawning of another day
During the night I had arranged no plan on which to conduct the terrible disclosure which I was now bound to make—the greatness of the emergency deprived me of all power of preparing myself for it I thought on my fathers character on the inbred principles of honour which ruled him with the stern influence of a fanaticism I thought on his pride of caste so unobtrusive so rarely hinted at in words and yet so firmly rooted in his nature so intricately entwined with every one of his emotions his aspirations his simplest feelings and ideas I thought on his almost feminine delicacy in shrinking from the barest mention of impurities which other men could carelessly discuss or could laugh over as good material for an afterdinner jest I thought over all this and when I remembered that it was to such a man that I must confess the infamous marriage which I had contracted in secret all hope from his fatherly affection deserted me all idea of appealing to his chivalrous generosity became a delusion in which it was madness to put a moments trust
The faculties of observation are generally sharpened in proportion as the faculties of reflection are dulled under the influence of an absorbing suspense While I now waited alone in my room the most ordinary sounds and events in the house which I never remembered noticing before absolutely enthralled me It seemed as if the noise of a footstep the echo of a voice the shutting or opening of doors down stairs must on this momentous day presage some mysterious calamity some strange discovery some secret project formed against me I knew not how or by whom Two or three times I found myself listening intently on the staircase with what object I could hardly tell It was always however on those occasions that a dread significant quiet appeared to have fallen suddenly on the house Clara never came to me no message arrived from my father the doorbell seemed strangely silent the servants strangely neglectful of their duties above stairs I caught myself returning to my own room softly as if I expected that some hidden catastrophe might break forth if sound of my footsteps were heard
Would my father seek me again in my own room or would he send for me down stairs It was not long before the doubt was decided One of the servants knocked at my door—the servant whose special duty it had been to wait on me in my illness I longed to take the mans hand and implore his sympathy and encouragement while he addressed me
My master Sir desires me to say that if you feel well enough he wishes to see you in his own room
I rose and immediately followed the servant On our way we passed the door of Claras private sittingroom—it opened and my sister came out and laid her hand on my arm She smiled as I looked at her but the tears stood thick in her eyes and her face was deadly pale
Think of what I said last night Basil she whispered and if hard words are spoken to you think of me All that our mother would have done for you if she had been still among us I will do Remember that and keep heart and hope to the very last
She hastily returned to her room and I went on down stairs In the hall the servant was waiting for me with a letter in his hand
This was left for you Sir a little while ago The messenger who brought it said he was not to wait for an answer
It was no time for reading letters—the interview with my father was too close at hand I hastily put the letter into my pocket barely noticing as I did so that the handwriting on the address was very irregular and quite unknown to me
I went at once into my fathers room
He was sitting at his table cutting the leaves of some new books that lay on it Pointing to a chair placed opposite to him he briefly inquired after my health and then added in a lower tone—
Take any time you like Basil to compose and collect yourself This morning my time is yours
He turned a little away from me and went on cutting the leaves of the books placed before him Still utterly incapable of preparing myself in any way for the disclosure expected from me without thought or hope or feeling of any kind except a vague sense of thankfulness for the reprieve granted me before I was called on to speak—I mechanically looked round and round the room as if I expected to see the sentence to be pronounced against me already written on the walls or grimly foreshadowed in the faces of the old family portraits which hung above the fireplace
What man has ever felt that all his thinking powers were absorbed even by the most poignant mental misery that could occupy them In moments of imminent danger the mind can still travel of its own accord over the past in spite of the present—in moments of bitter affliction it can still recur to everyday trifles in spite of ourselves While I now sat silent in my fathers room longforgotten associations of childhood connected with different parts of it began to rise on my memory in the strangest and most startling independence of any influence or control which my present agitation and suspense might be supposed to exercise over them The remembrances that should have been the last to be awakened at this time of heavy trial were the very remembrances which now moved within me
With burdened heart and aching eyes I looked over the walls around me There in that corner was the red cloth door which led to the library As children how often Ralph and I had peeped curiously through that very door to see what my father was about in his study to wonder why he had so many letters to write and so many books to read How frightened we both were when he discovered us one day and reproved us severely How happy the moment afterwards when we had begged him to pardon us and were sent back to the library again with a great picturebook to look at as a token that we were both forgiven Then again there was the high oldfashioned mahogany press before the window with the same large illustrated folio about Jewish antiquities lying on it which years and years ago Clara and I were sometimes allowed to look at as a special treat on Sunday afternoons and which we always examined and reexamined with neverending delight—standing together on two chairs to reach up to the thick yellowlooking leaves and turn them over with our own hands And there in the recess between two bookcases still stood the ancient desktable with its rows of little inlaid drawers and on the bracket above it the old French clock which had once belonged to my mother and which always chimed the hours so sweetly and merrily It was at that table that Ralph and I always bade my father farewell when we were going back to school after the holidays and were receiving our allowance of pocketmoney given to us out of one of the tiny inlaid drawers just before we started Near that spot too Clara—then a little rosy child—used to wait gravely and anxiously with her doll in her arms to say goodbye for the last time and to bid us come back soon and then never go away again I turned and looked abruptly towards the window for such memories as the room suggested were more than I could bear
Outside in the dreary strip of garden the few stunted dusky trees were now rustling as pleasantly in the air as if the breeze that stirred them came serenely over an open meadow or swept freshly under their branches from the rippling surface of a brook Distant but yet well within hearing the mighty murmur from a large thoroughfare—the great midday voice of London—swelled grandly and joyously on the ear While nearer still in a street that ran past the side of the house the notes of an organ rang out shrill and fast the instrument was playing its liveliest waltz tune—a tune which I had danced to in the ballroom over and over again What mocking memories within what mocking sounds without to herald and accompany such a confession as I had now to make
Minute after minute glided on inexorably fast and yet I never broke silence My eyes turned anxiously and slowly on my father
He was still looking away from me still cutting the leaves of the books before him Even in that trifling action the strong emotions which he was trying to conceal were plainly and terribly betrayed His hand usually so steady and careful trembled perceptibly and the paperknife tore through the leaves faster and faster—cutting them awry rending them one from another so as to spoil the appearance of every page I believe he felt that I was looking at him for he suddenly discontinued his employment turned round towards me and spoke—
I have resolved to give you your own time he said and from that resolve I have no wish to depart—I only ask you to remember that every minute of delay adds to the suffering and suspense which I am enduring on your account He opened the books before him again adding in lower and colder tones as he did so—In your place Ralph would have spoken before this
Ralph and Ralphs example quoted to me again—I could remain silent no longer
My brothers faults towards you and towards his family are not such faults as mine Sir I began I have not imitated his vices I have acted as he would not have acted And yet the result of my error will appear far more humiliating and even disgraceful in your eyes than the results of any errors of Ralphs
As I pronounced the word disgraceful he suddenly looked me full in the face His eyes lightened up sternly and the warning red spot rose on his pale cheeks
What do you mean by disgraceful he asked abruptly what do you mean by associating such a word as disgrace with your conduct—with the conduct of a son of mine
I must reply to your question indirectly Sir I continued You asked me last night who the Mr Sherwin was who has called here so often—
And this morning I ask it again I have other questions to put to you besides—you called constantly on a womans name in your delirium But I will repeat last nights question first—who is Mr Sherwin
He lives—
I dont ask where he lives Who is he What is he
Mr Sherwin is a linendraper—
You owe him money—you have borrowed money of him Why did you not tell me this before You have degraded my house by letting a man call at the door—I know it—in the character of a dun He has inquired about you as his friend—the servants told me of it This moneylending tradesman your friend If I had heard that the poorest labourer on my land called you friend I should have held you honoured by the attachment and gratitude of an honest man When I hear that name given to you by a tradesman and moneylender I hold you contaminated by connection with a cheat You were right Sir—this is disgrace how much do you owe Where are your dishonoured acceptances Where have you used my name and my credit Tell me at once—I insist on it
He spoke rapidly and contemptuously and rising from his chair as he ended walked impatiently up and down the room
I owe no money to Mr Sherwin Sir—no money to any one
He stopped suddenly
No money to any one he repeated very slowly and in very altered tones You spoke of disgrace just now There is a worse disgrace then that you have hidden from me than debts dishonourably contracted
At this moment a step passed across the hall He instantly turned round and locked the door on that side of the room—then continued
Speak and speak honestly if you can How have you been deceiving me A womans name escaped you constantly when your delirium was at its worst You used some very strange expressions about her which it was impossible altogether to comprehend but you said enough to show that her character was one of the most abandoned that her licentiousness—it is too revolting to speak of her—I return to you I insist on knowing how far your vices have compromised you with that vicious woman
She has wronged me—cruelly horribly wronged me— I could say no more My head drooped on my breast my shame overpowered me
Who is she You called her Margaret in your illness—who is she
She is Mr Sherwins daughter— The words that I would fain have spoken next seemed to suffocate me I was silent again
I heard him mutter to himself
That mans daughter—a worse bait than the bait of money
He bent forward and looked at me searchingly A frightful paleness flew over his face in an instant
Basil he cried in Gods name answer me at once What is Mr Sherwins daughter to you
She is my wife
I heard no answer—not a word not even a sigh My eyes were blinded with tears my face was bent down I saw nothing at first When I raised my head and dashed away the blinding tears and looked up the blood chilled at my heart
My father was leaning against one of the bookcases with his hands clasped over his breast His head was drawn back his white lips moved but no sound came from them Over his upturned face there had passed a ghastly change as indescribable in its awfulness as the change of death
I ran horrorstricken to his side and attempted to take his hand He started instantly into an erect position and thrust me from him furiously without uttering a word At that fearful moment in that fearful silence the sounds out of doors penetrated with harrowing distinctness and merriment into the room The pleasant rustling of the trees mingled musically with the softened monotonous rolling of carriages in the distant street while the organtune now changed to the lively measure of a song rang out clear and cheerful above both and poured into the room as lightly and happily as the very sunshine itself
For a few minutes we stood apart and neither of us moved or spoke I saw him take out his handkerchief and pass it over his face breathing heavily and thickly and leaning against the bookcase once more When he withdrew the handkerchief and looked at me again I knew that the sharp pang of agony had passed away that the last hard struggle between his parental affection and his family pride was over and that the great gulph which was henceforth to separate father and son had now opened between us for ever
He pointed peremptorily to me to go back to my former place but did not return to his own chair As I obeyed I saw him unlock the door of the bookcase against which he had been leaning and place his hand on one of the books inside Without withdrawing it from its place without turning or looking towards me he asked if I had anything more to say to him
The chilling calmness of his tones the question itself and the time at which he put it the unnatural repression of a single word of rebuke of passion or of sorrow after such a confession as I had just made struck me speechless He turned a little away from the bookcase—still keeping his hand on the book inside—and repeated the question His eyes when they met mine had a pining weary look as if they had been long condemned to rest on woeful and revolting objects his expression had lost its natural refinement its gentleness of repose and had assumed a hard lowering calmness under which his whole countenance appeared to have shrunk and changed—years of old age seemed to have fallen on it since I had spoken the last fatal words
Have you anything more to say to me
On the repetition of that terrible question I sank down in the chair at my side and hid my face in my hands Unconscious how I spoke or why I spoke with no hope in myself or in him with no motive but to invite and bear the whole penalty of my disgrace I now disclosed the miserable story of my marriage and of all that followed it I remember nothing of the words I used—nothing of what I urged in my own defence The sense of bewilderment and oppression grew heavier and heavier on my brain I spoke more and more rapidly confusedly unconsciously until I was again silenced and recalled to myself by the sound of my fathers voice I believe I had arrived at the last worst part of my confession when he interrupted me
Spare me any more details he said bitterly you have humiliated me sufficiently—you have spoken enough
He removed the book on which his hand had hitherto rested from the case behind him and advanced with it to the table—paused for a moment pale and silent—then slowly opened it at the first page and resumed his chair
I recognised the book instantly It was a biographical history of his family from the time of his earliest ancestors down to the date of the births of his own children The thick quarto pages were beautifully illuminated in the manner of the ancient manuscripts and the narrative in written characters had been produced under his own inspection This book had cost him years of research and perseverance The births and deaths the marriages and possessions the battle achievements and private feuds of the old Norman barons from whom he traced his descent were all enrolled in regular order on every leaf—headed sometimes merely by representations of the Knights favourite weapon sometimes by copies of the Barons effigy on his tombstone in a foreign land As the history advanced to later dates beautiful miniature portraits were inlaid at the top of each leaf and the illuminations were so managed as to symbolize the remarkable merits or the peculiar tastes of the subject of each biography Thus the page devoted to my mother was surrounded by her favourite violets clustering thickest round the last melancholy lines of writing which told the story of her death
Slowly and in silence my father turned over the leaves of the book which next to the Bible I believe he most reverenced in the world until he came to the lastwritten page but one—the page which I knew from its position to be occupied by my name At the top a miniature portrait of me when a child was let into the leaf Under it was the record of my birth and names of the School and College at which I had been taught and of the profession that I had adopted Below a large blank space was left for the entry of future particulars On this page my father now looked still not uttering a word still with the same ghastly calmness on his face The organnotes sounded no more but the trees rustled as pleasantly and the roar of the distant carriages swelled as joyously as ever on the ear Some children had come out to play in the garden of a neighbouring house As their voices reached us so fresh and clear and happy—but another modulation of the thanksgiving song to God which the trees were singing in the summer air—I saw my father while he still looked on the page before him clasp his trembling hands over my portrait so as to hide it from sight
Then he spoke but without looking up and more as if he were speaking to himself than to me His voice at other times clear and gentle in its tones was now so hard and harsh in its forced calmness and deliberation of utterance that it sounded like a strangers
I came here this morning he began prepared to hear of faults and misfortunes which should pain me to the heart which I might never perhaps be able to forget however willing and even predetermined to forgive But I did not come prepared to hear that unutterable disgrace had been cast on me and mine by my own child I have no words of rebuke or of condemnation for this the reproach and the punishment have fallen already where the guilt was—and not there only My sons infamy defiles his brothers birthright and puts his father to shame Even his sisters name—
He stopped shuddering When he proceeded his voice faltered and his head drooped low
I say it again—you are below all reproach and all condemnation but I have a duty to perform towards my two who are absent and I have a last word to say to you when that duty is done On this page— as he pointed to the family history his tones strengthened again—on this page there is a blank space left after the last entry for writing the future events of your life Here then if I still acknowledge you to be my son if I think your presence and the presence of my daughter possible in the same house must be written such a record of dishonour and degradation as has never yet defiled a single page of this book—here the foul stain of your marriage and its consequences must be admitted to spread over all that is pure before it and to taint to the last whatever comes after This shall not be I have no faith or hope in you more I know you now only as an enemy to me and to my house—it is mockery and hypocrisy to call you son it is an insult to Clara and even to Ralph to think of you as my child In this record your place is destroyed—and destroyed for ever Would to God I could tear the past from my memory as I tear the leaf from this book
As he spoke the hour struck and the old French clock rang out gaily the same little silvery chime which my mother had so often taken me into her room to listen to in the bygone time The shrill lively peal mingled awfully with the sharp tearing sound as my father rent out from the book before him the whole of the leaf which contained my name tore it into fragments and cast them on the floor
He rose abruptly after he had closed the book again His cheeks flushed once more and when he next spoke his voice grew louder and louder with every word he uttered It seemed as if he still distrusted his resolution to abandon me and sought in his anger the strength of purpose which in his calmer mood he might even yet have been unable to command
Now Sir he said we treat together as strangers You are Mr Sherwins son—not mine You are the husband of his daughter—not a relation of my family Rise as I do we sit together no longer in the same room Write he pushed pen ink and paper before me write your terms there—I shall find means to keep you to a written engagement—the terms of your absence for life from this country and of hers the terms of your silence and of the silence of your accomplices of all of them Write what you please I am ready to pay dearly for your absence your secrecy and your abandonment of the name you have degraded My God that I should live to bargain for hushing up the dishonour of my family and to bargain for it with you
I had listened to him hitherto without pleading a word in my own behalf but his last speech roused me Some of his pride stirred in my heart against the bitterness of his contempt I raised my head and met his eye steadily for the first time—then thrust the writing materials away from me and left my place at the table
Stop he cried Do you pretend that you have not understood me
It is because I have understood you Sir that I go I have deserved your anger and have submitted without a murmur to all that it could inflict If you see in my conduct towards you no mitigation of my offence if you cannot view the shame and wrong inflicted on me with such grief as may have some pity mixed with it—I have I think the right to ask that your contempt may be silent and your last words to me not words of insult
Insult After what has happened is it for you to utter that word in the tone in which you have just spoken it I tell you again I insist on your written engagement as I would insist on the engagement of a stranger—I will have it before you leave this room
All and more than all which that degrading engagement could imply I will do But I have not fallen so low yet as to be bribed to perform a duty You may be able to forget that you are my father I can never forget that I am your son
The remembrance will avail you nothing as long as I live I tell you again I insist on your written engagement though it were only to show that I have ceased to believe in your word Write at once—do you hear me—Write
I neither moved nor answered His face changed again and grew livid his fingers trembled convulsively and crumpled the sheet of paper as he tried to take it up from the table on which it lay
You refuse he said quickly
I have already told you Sir—
Go he interrupted pointing passionately to the door go out from this house never to return to it again—go not as a stranger to me but as an enemy I have no faith in a single promise you have made there is no baseness which I do not believe you will yet be guilty of But I tell you and the wretches with whom you are leagued to take warning I have wealth power and position and there is no use to which I will not put them against the man or woman who threatens the fair fame of this family Leave me remembering that—and leave me for ever
Just as he uttered the last word just as my hand was on the lock of the door a faint sound—something between breathing and speaking—was audible in the direction of the library He started and looked round Impelled I know not how I paused on the point of going out My eyes followed his and fixed on the cloth door which led into the library
It opened a little—then shut again—then opened wide Slowly and noiselessly Clara came into the room
The silence and suddenness of her entrance at such a moment the look of terror which changed to unnatural vacancy the wonted softness and gentleness of her eyes her pale face her white dress and slow noiseless step made her first appearance in the room seem almost supernatural it was as if an apparition had been walking towards us and not Clara herself As she approached my father he pronounced her name in astonishment but his voice sank to a whisper while he spoke it For an instant she paused hesitating—I saw her tremble as her eyes met his—then as they turned towards me the brave girl came on and taking my hand stood and faced my father standing by my side
Clara he exclaimed again still in the same whispering tones
I felt her cold hand close fast on mine the grasp of the chill frail fingers was almost painful to me Her lips moved but her quick hysterical breathing made the few words she uttered inarticulate
Clara repeated my father for the third time his voice rising but sinking again immediately—when he spoke his next words Clara he resumed sadly and gently let go his hand this is not a time for your presence I beg you to leave us You must not take his hand He has ceased to be my son or your brother Clara do you not hear me
Yes Sir I hear you she answered God grant that my mother in heaven may not hear you too
He was approaching while she replied but at her last words he stopped instantly and turned his face away from us Who shall say what remembrances of other days shook him to the heart
You have spoken Clara as you should not have spoken he went on without looking up Your mother— his voice faltered and failed him Can you still hold his hand after what I have said I tell you again he is unworthy to be in your presence my house is his home no longer—must I command you to leave him
The deeply planted instinct of gentleness and obedience prevailed she dropped my hand but did not move away from me even yet
Now leave us Clara he said You were wrong my love to be in that room and wrong to come in here I will speak to you upstairs—you must remain here no longer
She clasped her trembling fingers together and sighed heavily
I cannot go Sir she said quickly and breathlessly
Must I tell you for the first time in your life that you are acting disobediently he asked
I cannot go she repeated in the same manner till you have said you will let him atone for his offence and will forgive him
For his offence there is neither atonement nor forgiveness Clara are you so changed that you can disobey me to my face
He walked away from us as he said this
Oh no no She ran towards him but stopped halfway and looked back at me affrightedly as I stood near the door Basil she cried you have not done what you promised me you have not been patient Oh Sir if I have ever deserved kindness from you be kind to him for my sake Basil speak Basil Ask his pardon on your knees Father I promised him he should be forgiven if I asked you Not a word not a word from either Basil you are not going yet—not going at all Remember Sir how good and kind he has always been to me My poor mother I must speak of her my poor mothers favourite son—you have told me so yourself and he has always been my favourite brother I think because my mother loved him so His first fault too his first grief And will you tell him for this that our home is his home no longer Punish me Sir I have done wrong like him when I heard your voices so loud I listened in the library Hes going No no no not yet
She ran to the door as I opened it and pushed it to again Overwhelmed by the violence of her agitation my father had sunk into a chair while she was speaking
Come back—come back with me to his knees she whispered fixing her wild tearless eyes on mine flinging her arms round my neck and trying to lead me with her from the door Come back or you will drive me mad she repeated loudly drawing me away towards my father
He rose instantly from his chair
Clara he said I command you leave him He advanced a few steps towards me Go he cried if you are human in your villany you will release me from this
I whispered in her ear I will write love—I will write and disengaged her arms from my neck—they were hanging round it weakly already As I passed the door I turned back and looked again into the room for the last time
Clara was in my fathers arms her head lay on his shoulder her face was as still in its heavenly calmness as if the world and the worlds looks knew it no more and the only light that fell on it now was light from the angels eyes She had fainted
He was standing with one arm round her his disengaged hand was searching impatiently over the wall behind him for the bell and his eyes were fixed in anguish and in love unutterable on the peaceful face hushed in its sad repose so close beneath his own For one moment I saw him thus ere I closed the door—the next I had left the house
I never entered it again—I have never seen my father since
IV
We are seldom able to discover under any ordinary conditions of selfknowledge how intimately that spiritual part of us which is undying can attach to itself and its operations the poorest objects of that external world around us which is perishable In the ravelled skein the slightest threads are the hardest to follow In analysing the associations and sympathies which regulate the play of our passions the simplest and homeliest are the last that we detect It is only when the shock comes and the mind recoils before it—when joy is changed into sorrow or sorrow into joy—that we really discern what trifles in the outer world our noblest mental pleasures or our severest mental pains have made part of themselves atoms which the whirlpool has drawn into its vortex as greedily and as surely as the largest mass
It was reserved for me to know this when—after a moments pause before the door of my fathers house more homeless then than the poorest wretch who passed me on the pavement and had wife or kindred to shelter him in a garret that night—my steps turned as of old in the direction of North Villa
Again I passed over the scene of my daily pilgrimage always to the same shrine for a whole year and now for the first time I knew that there was hardly a spot along the entire way which my heart had not unconsciously made beautiful and beloved to me by some association with Margaret Sherwin Here was the friendly familiar shopwindow filled with the glittering trinkets which had so often lured me in to buy presents for her on my way to the house There was the noisy street corner void of all adornment in itself but once bright to me with the fairyland architecture of a dream because I knew that at that place I had passed over half the distance which separated my home from hers Farther on the Park trees came in sight—trees that no autumn decay or winter nakedness could make dreary in the bygone time for she and I had walked under them together And further yet was the turning which led from the long suburban road into Hollyoake Square—the lonely dustwhitened place around which my past happiness and my wasted hopes had flung their golden illusions like jewels hung round the coarse wooden image of a Roman saint Dishonoured and ruined it was among such associations as these—too homely to have been recognised by me in former times—that I journeyed along the wellremembered way to North Villa
I went on without hesitating without even a thought of turning back I had said that the honour of my family should not suffer by the calamity which had fallen on me and while life remained I was determined that nothing should prevent me from holding to my word It was from this resolution that I drew the faith in myself the confidence in my endurance the sustaining calmness under my fathers sentence of exclusion which nerved me to go on I must inevitably see Mr Sherwin perhaps even suffer the humiliation of seeing her—must inevitably speak such words disclose such truths as should show him that deceit was henceforth useless I must do this and more I must be prepared to guard the family to which—though banished from it—I still belonged from every conspiracy against them that detected crime or shameless cupidity could form whether in the desire of revenge or in the hope of gain A hard almost an impossible task—but nevertheless a task that must be done
I kept the thought of this necessity before my mind unceasingly not only as a duty but as a refuge from another thought to which I dared not for a moment turn The still pale face which I had seen lying hushed on my fathers breast—CLARA—That way lay the grief that weakens the yearning and the terror that are near despair that way was not it for me
The servant was at the gardengate of North Villa—the same servant whom I had seen and questioned in the first days of my fatal delusion She was receiving a letter from a man very poorly dressed who walked away the moment I approached Her confusion and surprise were so great as she let me in that she could hardly look at or speak to me It was only when I was ascending the doorsteps that she said—
Miss Margaret—she still gave her that name—Miss Margaret is upstairs Sir I suppose you would like—
I have no wish to see her I want to speak to Mr Sherwin
Looking more bewildered and even frightened than before the girl hurriedly opened one of the doors in the passage I saw as I entered that she had shown me in her confusion into the wrong room Mr Sherwin who was in the apartment hastily drew a screen across the lower end of it apparently to hide something from me which however I had not seen as I came in
He advanced holding out his hand but his restless eyes wandered unsteadily looking away from me towards the screen
So you have come at last have you Just lets step into the drawingroom the fact is—I thought I wrote to you about it—
He stopped suddenly and his outstretched arm fell to his side I had not said a word Something in my look and manner must have told him already on what errand I had come
Why dont you speak he said after a moments pause What are you looking at me like that for Stop Lets say our say in the other room He walked past me towards the door and half opened it
Why was he so anxious to get me away Who or what was he hiding behind the screen The servant had said his daughter was upstairs remembering this and suspecting every action or word that came from him I determined to remain in the room and discover his secret It was evidently connected with me
Now then he continued opening the door a little wider its only across the hall you know and I always receive visitors in the best room
I have been admitted here I replied and have neither time nor inclination to follow you from room to room just as you like What I have to say is not much and unless you give me fit reasons to the contrary I shall say it here
You will will you Let me tell you thats damned like what we plain mercantile men call downright incivility I say it again—incivility and rudeness too if you like it better He saw I was determined and closed the door as he spoke his face twitching and working violently and his quick evil eyes turned again in the direction of the screen
Well he continued with a sulky defiance of manner and look do as you like stop here—youll wish you hadnt before long Ill be bound You dont seem to hurry yourself much about speaking so I shall sit down You can do as you please Now then just lets cut it short—do you come here in a friendly way to ask me to send for my girl downstairs and to show yourself the gentleman or do you not
You have written me two letters Mr Sherwin—
Yes and took devilish good care you should get them—I left them myself
In writing those letters you were either grossly deceived and in that case are only to be pitied or—
Pitied what the devil do you mean by that Nobody wants your pity here
Or you have been trying to deceive me and in that case I have to tell you that deceit is henceforth useless I know all—more than you suspect more I believe than you would wish me to have known
Oh thats your tack is it By God I expected as much the moment you came in What you dont believe my girl—dont you Youre going to fight shy and behave like a scamp—are you Damn your infernal coolness and your aristocratic airs and graces You shall see Ill be even with you—you shall Ha ha look here—heres the marriage certificate safe in my pocket You wont do the honourable by my poor child—wont you Come out Come away Youd better—Im off to your father to blow the whole business I am as sure as my names Sherwin
He struck his fist on the table and started up livid with passion The screen trembled a little and a slight rustling noise was audible behind it just as he advanced towards me He stopped instantly with an oath and looked back
I warn you to remain here I said This morning my father has heard all from my lips He has renounced me as his son and I have left his house for ever
He turned round quickly staring at me with a face of mingled fury and dismay
Then you come to me a beggar he burst out a beggar who has taken me in about his fine family and his fine prospects a beggar who cant support my child—Yes I say it again a beggar who looks me in the face and talks as you do I dont care a damn about you or your father I know my rights Im an Englishman thank God I know my rights and my Margarets rights and Ill have them in spite of you both Yes you may stare as angry as you like staring dont hurt Im an honest man and my girls an honest girl
I was looking at him at that moment with the contempt that I really felt his rage produced no other sensation in me All higher and quicker emotions seemed to have been dried at their sources by the events of the morning
I say my girls an honest girl he repeated sitting down again and I dare you or anybody—I dont care who—to prove the contrary You told me you knew all just now What all Come well have this out before we do anything else She says shes innocent and I say shes innocent and if I could find out that damnation scoundrel Mannion and get him here Id make him say it too Now after all that what have you got against her—against your lawful wife and Ill make you own her as such and keep her as such I can promise you
I am not here to ask questions or to answer them I replied—my errand in this house is simply to tell you that the miserable falsehoods contained in your letter will avail you as little as the foul insolence of language by which you are now endeavouring to support them I told you before and I now tell you again I know all I had been inside that house before I saw your daughter at the door and had heard from her voice and his voice what such shame and misery as you cannot comprehend forbid me to repeat To your past duplicity and to your present violence I have but one answer to give—I will never see your daughter again
But you shall see her again—yes and keep her too Do you think I cant see through you and your precious story Your fathers cut you off with a shilling and now you want to curry favour with him again by trumping up a case against my girl and trying to get her off your hands that way But it wont do Youve married her my fine gentleman and you shall stick to her Do you think I wouldnt sooner believe her than believe you Do you think Ill stand this Here she is upstairs half heartbroken on my hands heres my wife—his voice sank suddenly as he said this—with her mind in such a state that Im kept away from business day after day to look after her heres all this crying and misery and mad goingson in my house because you choose to behave like a scamp—and do you think Ill put up with it quietly Ill make you do your duty to my girl if she goes to the parish to appeal against you Your story indeed Wholl believe that a young female like Margaret could have taken to a fellow like Mannion and kept it all a secret from you Who believes that I should like to know
I believe it
The third voice which pronounced those words was Mrs Sherwins
But was the figure that now came out from behind the screen the same frail shrinking figure which had so often moved my pity in the past time the same wan figure of sickness and sorrow ever watching in the background of the fatal lovescenes at North Villa ever looking like the same spectreshadow when the evenings darkened in as I sat by Margarets side
Had the grave given up its dead I stood awestruck neither speaking nor moving while she walked towards me She was clothed in the white garments of the sickroom—they looked on her like the raiment of the tomb Her figure which I only remembered as drooping with premature infirmity was now straightened convulsively to its proper height her arms hung close at her side like the arms of a corpse the natural paleness of her face had turned to an earthy hue its natural expression so meek so patient so melancholy in uncomplaining sadness was gone and in its stead was left a pining stillness that never changed a weary repose of lifeless waking—the awful seal of Death stamped ghastly on the living face the awful look of Death staring out from the chill shining eyes
Her husband kept his place and spoke to her as she stopped opposite to me His tones were altered but his manner showed as little feeling as ever
There now he began you said you were sure hed come here and that youd never take to your bed as the Doctor wanted you till youd seen him and spoken to him Well he has come there he is He came in while you were asleep I rather think and I let him stop so that if you woke up and wanted to see him you might You cant say—nobody can say—I havent given in to your whims and fancies after that There youve had your way and youve said you believe him and now if I ring for the nurse youll go upstairs at last and make no more worry about it—Eh
She moved her head slowly and looked at him As those dying eyes met his as that face on which the light of life was darkening fast turned on him even his gross nature felt the shock I saw him shrink—his sallow cheeks whitened he moved his chair away and said no more
She looked back to me again and spoke Her voice was still the same soft low voice as ever It was fearful to hear how little it had altered and then to look on the changed face
I am dying she said to me Many nights have passed since that night when Margaret came home by herself and I felt something moving down into my heart when I looked at her which I knew was death—many nights since I have been used to say my prayers and think I had said them for the last time before I dared shut my eyes in the darkness and the quiet I have lived on till today very weary of my life ever since that night when Margaret came in and yet I could not die because I had an atonement to make to you and you never came to hear it and forgive me I was not fit for God to take me till you came—I know that know it to be truth from a dream
She paused still looking at me but with the same deathly blank of expression The eye had ceased to speak already nothing but the voice was left
My husband has asked who will believe you she went on her weak tones gathering strength with every fresh word she uttered I have answered that I will for you have spoken the truth Now when the light of this world is fading from my eyes here in this earthly home of much sorrow and suffering which I must soon quit—in the presence of my husband—under the same roof with my sinful child—I bear you witness that you have spoken the truth I her mother say it of her Margaret Sherwin is guilty she is no more worthy to be called your wife
She pronounced the last words slowly distinctly solemnly Till that fearful denunciation was spoken her husband had been looking sullenly and suspiciously towards us as we stood together but while she uttered it his eyes fell and he turned away his head in silence
He never looked up never moved or interrupted her as she continued still addressing me but now speaking very slowly and painfully pausing longer and longer between every sentence
From this room I go to my deathbed The last words I speak in this world shall be to my husband and shall change his heart towards you I have been weak of purpose as she said this a strange sweetness and mournfulness began to steal over her tones miserably guiltily weak all my life Much sorrow and pain and heavy disappointment when I was young did some great harm to me which I have never recovered since I have lived always in fear of others and doubt of myself and this has made me guilty of a great sin towards you Forgive me before I die I suspected the guilt that was preparing—I foreboded the shame that was to come—they hid it from others eyes but from the first they could not hide it from mine—and yet I never warned you as I ought That man had the power of Satan over me I always shuddered before him as I used to shudder at the darkness when I was a little child My life has been all fear—fear of him fear of my husband and even of my daughter fear worse still of my own thoughts and of what I had discovered that should be told to you When I tried to speak you were too generous to understand me—I was afraid to think my suspicions were right long after they should have been suspicions no longer It was misery—oh what misery from then till now
Her voice died away for a moment in faint breathless murmurings She struggled to recover it and repeated in a whisper
Forgive me before I die I have made a terrible atonement I have borne witness against the innocence of my own child My own child I dare not bid God bless her if they bring her to my bedside—forgive me—forgive me before I die
She took my hand and pressed it to her cold lips The tears gushed into my eyes as I tried to speak to her
No tears for me she murmured gently Basil—let me call you as your mother would call you if she was alive—Basil pray that I may be forgiven in the dreadful Eternity to which I go as you have forgiven me And for her—oh who will pray for her when I am gone
Those words were the last I heard her pronounce Exhausted beyond the power of speaking more though it were only in a whisper she tried to take my hand again and express by a gesture the irrevocable farewell But her strength failed her even for this—failed her with awful suddenness Her hand moved halfway towards mine then stopped and trembled for a moment in the air then fell to her side with the fingers distorted and clenched together She reeled where she stood and sank helplessly as I stretched out my arms to support her
Her husband rose fretfully from his chair and took her from me When his eyes met mine the look of sullen selfrestraint in his countenance was crossed in an instant by an expression of triumphant malignity He whispered to me If you dont change your tone by tomorrow—paused—and then without finishing the sentence moved away abruptly and supported his wife to the door
Just when her face was turned towards where I stood as he took her out I thought I saw the cold vacant eyes soften as they rested on me and change again tenderly to the old look of patience and sadness which I remembered so well Was my imagination misleading me or had the light of that meek spirit shone out on earth for the last time at parting in token of farewell to mine She was gone to me gone for ever—before I could look nearer and know
I was told afterwards how she died
For the rest of that day and throughout the night she lay speechless but still alive The next morning the faint pulse still fluttered As the day wore on the doctors applied fresh stimulants and watched her in astonishment for they had predicted her death as impending every moment at least twelve hours before When they spoke of this to her husband his behaviour was noticed as very altered and unaccountable by every one He sulkily refused to believe that her life was in danger he roughly accused anybody who spoke of her death as wanting to fix on him the imputation of having illused her and so being the cause of her illness and more than this he angrily vindicated himself to every one about her—even to the servants—by quoting the indulgence he had shown to her fancy for seeing me when I called and his patience while she was as he termed it wandering in her mind in trying to talk to me The doctors suspecting how his uneasy conscience was accusing him forbore in disgust all expostulation Except when he was in his daughters room he was shunned by everybody in the house
Just before noon on the second day Mrs Sherwin rallied a little under the stimulants administered to her and asked to see her husband alone Both her words and manner gave the lie to his assertion that her faculties were impaired—it was observed by all her attendants that whenever she had strength to speak her speech never wandered in the slightest degree Her husband quitted her room more fretfully uneasy more sullenly suspicious of the words and looks of those about him than ever—went instantly to seek his daughter—and sent her in alone to her mothers bedside In a few minutes she hurriedly came out again pale and violently agitated and was heard to say that she had been spoken to so unnaturally and so shockingly that she could not and would not enter that room again until her mother was better Better the father and daughter were both agreed in that both agreed that she was not dying but only out of her mind
During the afternoon the doctors ordered that Mrs Sherwin should not be allowed to see her husband or her child again without their permission There was little need of taking such a precaution to preserve the tranquillity of her last moments As the day began to decline she sank again into insensibility her life was just not death and that was all She lingered on in this quiet way with her eyes peacefully closed and her breathing so gentle as to be quite inaudible until late in the evening Just as it grew quite dark and the candle was lit in the sick room the servant who was helping to watch by her drew aside the curtain to look at her mistress and saw that though her eyes were still closed she was smiling The girl turned round and beckoned to the nurse to come to the bedside When they lifted the curtains again to look at her she was dead
Let me return to the day of my last visit to North Villa More remains to be recorded before my narrative can advance to the morrow
After the door had closed and I knew that I had looked my last on Mrs Sherwin in this world I remained a few minutes alone in the room until I had steadied my mind sufficiently to go out again into the streets As I walked down the gardenpath to the gate the servant whom I had seen on my entrance ran after me and eagerly entreated that I would wait one moment and speak to her
When I stopped and looked at the girl she burst into tears Im afraid Ive been doing wrong Sir she sobbed out and at this dreadful time too when my poor mistress is dying If you please Sir I must tell you about it
I gave her a little time to compose herself and then asked what she had to say
I think you must have seen a man leaving a letter with me Sir she continued just when you came up to the door a little while ago
Yes I saw him
It was for Miss Margaret Sir that letter and I was to keep it secret and—and—it isnt the first Ive taken in for her Its weeks and weeks ago Sir that the same man came with a letter and gave me money to let nobody see it but Miss Margaret—and that time Sir he waited and she sent me with an answer to give him in the same secret way And now heres this second letter I dont know who it comes from—but I havent taken it to her yet I waited to show it to you Sir as you came out because—
Why Susan—tell me candidly why
I hope you wont take it amiss Sir if I say that having lived in the family so long as I have I cant help knowing a little about what you and Miss Margaret used to be to each other and that somethings happened wrong between you lately and so Sir it seems to be very bad and dishonest in me after first helping you to come together as I did to be giving her strange letters unknown to you They may be bad letters Im sure I wouldnt wish to say anything disrespectful or that didnt become my place but—
Go on Susan—speak as freely and as truly to me as ever
Well Sir Miss Margarets been very much altered ever since that night when she came home alone and frightened us so She shuts herself up in her room and wont speak to anybody except my master she doesnt seem to care about anything that happens and sometimes she looks so at me when Im waiting on her that Im almost afraid to be in the same room with her Ive never heard her mention your name once Sir and Im fearful theres something on her mind that there oughtnt to be Hes a very shabby man that leaves the letters—would you please to look at this and say whether you think its right in me to take it upstairs
She held out a letter I hesitated before I looked at it
Oh Sir please please do take it said the girl earnestly I did wrong Im afraid in giving her the first but I cant do wrong again when my poor mistress is dying in the house I cant keep secrets Sir that may be bad secrets at such a dreadful time as this I couldnt have laid down in my bed tonight when theres likely to be death in the house if I hadnt confessed what Ive done and my poor mistress has always been so kind and good to us servants—better than ever we deserved
Weeping bitterly as she said this the kindhearted girl held out the letter to me once more This time I took it from her and looked at the address
Though I did not know the handwriting still there was something in those unsteady characters which seemed familiar to me Was it possible that I had ever seen them before I tried to consider but my memory was confused my mind wearied out after all that had happened since the morning The effort was fruitless I gave back the letter
I know as little about it Susan as you do
But ought I to take it upstairs Sir only tell me that
It is not for me to say All interest or share on my part Susan in what she—in what your young mistress receives is at an end
Im very sorry to hear you say that Sir very very sorry But what would you advise me to do
Let me look at the letter once more
On a second view the handwriting produced the same effect on me as before ending too with just the same result I returned the letter again
I respect your scruples Susan but I am not the person to remove or to justify them Why should you not apply in this difficulty to your master
I dare not Sir I dare not for my life Hes been worse than ever lately if I said as much to him as Ive said to you I believe hed kill me She hesitated then continued more composedly Well at any rate Ive told you Sir and thats made my mind easier and—and Ill give her the letter this once and then take in no more—if they come unless I hear a proper account of them
She curtseyed and bidding me farewell very sadly and anxiously returned to the house with the letter in her hand If I had guessed at that moment who it was written by If I could only have suspected what were its contents
I left Hollyoake Square in a direction which led to some fields a little distance on It was very strange but that unknown handwriting still occupied my thoughts that wretched trifle absolutely took possession of my mind at such a time as this in such a position as mine was now
I stopped wearily in the fields at a lonely spot away from the footpath My eyes ached at the sunlight and I shaded them with my hand Exactly at the same instant the lost recollection flashed back on me so vividly that I started almost in terror The handwriting shown me by the servant at North Villa was the same as the handwriting on that unopened and forgotten letter in my pocket which I had received from the servant at home—received in the morning as I crossed the hall to enter my fathers room
I took out the letter opened it with trembling fingers and looked through the cramped closelywritten pages for the signature
It was ROBERT MANNION
V
Mannion I had never suspected that the note shown to me at North Villa might have come from him And yet the secrecy with which it had been delivered the person to whom it was addressed the mystery connected with it even in the servants eyes all pointed to the discovery which I had so incomprehensibly failed to make I had suffered a letter which might contain written proof of her guilt to be taken from under my own eyes to Margaret Sherwin How had my perceptions become thus strangely blinded The confusion of my memory the listless incapacity of all my faculties answered the question but too readily of themselves
Robert Mannion I could not take my eyes from that name I still held before me the crowded closelywritten lines of his writing and delayed to read them Something of the horror which the presence of the man himself would have inspired in me was produced by the mere sight of his letter and that letter addressed to me The vengeance which my own hands had wreaked on him he was of all men the surest to repay Perhaps in these lines the dark future through which his way and mine might lie would be already shadowed forth Margaret too Could he write so much and not write of her not disclose the mystery in which the motives of her crime were still hidden I turned back again to the first page and resolved to read the letter It began abruptly in the following terms—
St Helens Hospital
You may look at the signature when you receive this and may be tempted to tear up my letter and throw it from you unread I warn you to read what I have written and to estimate if you can its importance to yourself Destroy these pages afterwards if you like—they will have served their purpose
Do you know where I am and what I suffer I am one of the patients of this hospital hideously mutilated for life by your hand If I could have known certainly the day of my dismissal I should have waited to tell you with my own lips what I now write—but I am ignorant of this At the very point of recovery I have suffered a relapse
You will silence any uneasy upbraidings of conscience should you feel them by saying that I have deserved death at your hands I will tell you in answer what you deserve and shall receive at mine
But I will first assume that it was knowledge of your wifes guilt which prompted your attack on me I am well aware that she has declared herself innocent and that her father supports her declaration By the time you receive this letter my injuries oblige me to allow myself a whole fortnight to write it in I shall have taken measures which render further concealment unnecessary Therefore if my confession avail you aught you have it here—She is guilty willingly guilty remember whatever she may say to the contrary You may believe this and believe all I write hereafter Deception between us two is at an end
I have told you Margaret Sherwin is guilty Why was she guilty What was the secret of my influence over her
To make you comprehend what I have now to communicate it is necessary for me to speak of myself and of my early life Tomorrow I will undertake this disclosure—today I can neither hold the pen nor see the paper any longer If you could look at my face where I am now laid you would know why
When we met for the first time at North Villa I had not been five minutes in your presence before I detected your curiosity to know something about me and perceived that you doubted from the first whether I was born and bred for such a situation as I held under Mr Sherwin Failing—as I knew you would fail—to gain any information about me from my employer or his family you tried at various times to draw me into familiarity to get me to talk unreservedly to you and only gave up the attempt to penetrate my secret whatever it might be when we parted after our interview at my house on the night of the storm On that night I determined to baulk your curiosity and yet to gain your confidence and I succeeded You little thought when you bade me farewell at my own door that you had given your hand and your friendship to a man who—long before you met with Margaret Sherwin—had inherited the right to be the enemy of your father and of every descendant of your fathers house
Does this declaration surprise you Read on and you will understand it
I am the son of a gentleman My fathers means were miserably limited and his family was not an old family like yours Nevertheless he was a gentleman in anybodys sense of the word he knew it and that knowledge was his ruin He was a weak kind careless man a worshipper of conventionalities and a great respecter of the wide gaps which lay between social stations in his time Thus he determined to live like a gentleman by following a gentlemans pursuit—a profession as distinguished from a trade Failing in this he failed to follow out his principle and starve like a gentleman He died the death of a felon leaving me no inheritance but the name of a felons son
While still a young man he contrived to be introduced to a gentleman of great family great position and great wealth He interested or fancied he interested this gentleman and always looked on him as the patron who was to make his fortune by getting him the first government sinecure they were plenty enough in those days which might fall vacant In firm and foolish expectation of this he lived far beyond his little professional income—lived among rich people without the courage to make use of them as a poor man It was the old story debts and liabilities of all kinds pressed heavy on him—creditors refused to wait—exposure and utter ruin threatened him—and the prospect of the sinecure was still as far off as ever
Nevertheless he believed in the advent of this office and all the more resolutely now because he looked to it as his salvation He was quite confident of the interest of his patron and of its speedy exertion in his behalf Perhaps that gentleman had overrated his own political influence perhaps my father had been too sanguine and had misinterpreted polite general promises into special engagements However it was the bailiffs came into his house one morning while help from a government situation or any situation was as unattainable as ever—came to take him to prison to seize everything in execution even to the very bed on which my mother then seriously ill was lying The whole fabric of false prosperity which he had been building up to make the world respect him was menaced with instant and shameful overthrow He had not the courage to let it go so he took refuge from misfortune in a crime
He forged a bond to prop up his credit for a little time longer The name he made use of was the name of his patron In doing this he believed—as all men who commit crime believe—that he had the best possible chance of escaping consequences In the first place he might get the longexpected situation in time to repay the amount of the bond before detection In the second place he had almost the certainty of a legacy from a rich relative old and in illhealth whose death might be fairly expected from day to day If both these prospects failed and they did fail there was still a third chance—the chance that his rich patron would rather pay the money than appear against him In those days they hung for forgery My father believed it to be impossible that a man at whose table he had sat whose relatives and friends he had amused and instructed by his talents would be the man to give evidence which should condemn him to be hanged on the public scaffold
He was wrong The wealthy patron held strict principles of honour which made no allowance for temptations and weaknesses and was moreover influenced by highflown notions of his responsibilities as a legislator he was a member of Parliament to the laws of his country He appeared accordingly and gave evidence against the prisoner who was found guilty and left for execution
Then when it was too late this man of pitiless honour thought himself at last justified in leaning to the side of mercy and employed his utmost interest in every direction to obtain a mitigation of the sentence to transportation for life The application failed even a reprieve of a few days was denied At the appointed time my father died on the scaffold by the hangmans hand
Have you suspected while reading this part of my letter who the highborn gentleman was whose evidence hung him If you have not I will tell you That gentleman was your father You will now wonder no longer how I could have inherited the right to be his enemy and the enemy of all who are of his blood
The shock of her husbands horrible death deprived my mother of reason She lived a few months after his execution but never recovered her faculties I was their only child and was left penniless to begin life as the son of a father who had been hanged and of a mother who had died in a public madhouse
More of myself tomorrow—my letter will be a long one I must pause often over it as I pause today
Well I started in life with the hangmans mark on me—with the parents shame for the sons reputation Wherever I went whatever friends I kept whatever acquaintances I made—people knew how my father had died and showed that they knew it Not so much by shunning or staring at me vile as human nature is there were not many who did that as by insulting me with overacted sympathy and elaborate anxiety to sham entire ignorance of my fathers fate The gallowsbrand was on my forehead but they were too benevolently blind to see it The gallowsinfamy was my inheritance but they were too resolutely generous to discover it This was hard to bear However I was stronghearted even then when my sensations were quick and my sympathies young so I bore it
My only weakness was my fathers weakness—the notion that I was born to a station ready made for me and that the great use of my life was to live up to it My station I battled for that with the world for years and years before I discovered that the highest of all stations is the station a man makes for himself and the lowest the station that is made for him by others
At starting in life your father wrote to make me offers of assistance—assistance after he had ruined me Assistance to the child from hands which had tied the rope round the parents neck I sent him back his letter He knew that I was his enemy his sons enemy and his sons sons enemy as long as I lived I never heard from him again
Trusting boldly to myself to carve out my own way and to live down my undeserved ignominy resolving in the pride of my integrity to combat openly and fairly with misfortune I shrank at first from disowning my parentage and abandoning my fathers name Standing on my own character confiding in my intellect and my perseverance I tried pursuit after pursuit and was beaten afresh at every new effort Whichever way I turned the gallows still rose as the same immovable obstacle between me and fortune between me and station between me and my fellowmen I was morbidly sensitive on this point The slightest references to my fathers fate however remote or accidental curdled my blood I saw open insult or humiliating compassion or forced forbearance in the look and manner of every man about me So I broke off with old friends and tried new and in seeking fresh pursuits sought fresh connections where my fathers infamy might be unknown Wherever I went the old stain always broke out afresh just at the moment when I had deceived myself into the belief that it was utterly effaced I had a warm heart then—it was some time before it turned to stone and felt nothing Those were the days when failure and humiliation could still draw tears from me that epoch in my life is marked in my memory as the epoch when I could weep
At last I gave way before difficulty and conceded the first step to the calamity which had stood front to front with me so long I left the neighbourhood where I was known and assumed the name of a schoolfellow who had died For some time this succeeded but the curse of my fathers death followed me though I saw it not After various employments—still mind the employments of a gentleman—had first supported then failed me I became an usher at a school It was there that my false name was detected and my identity discovered again—I never knew through whom The exposure was effected by some enemy anonymously For several days I thought everybody in the school treated me in an altered way The cause came out first in whispers then in reckless jests while I was taking care of the boys in the playground In the fury of the moment I struck one of the most insolent and the eldest of them and hurt him rather seriously The parents heard of it and threatened me with prosecution the whole neighbourhood was aroused I had to leave my situation secretly by night or the mob would have pelted the felons son out of the parish
I went back to London bearing another assumed name and tried as a last resource to save me from starvation the resource of writing I served my apprenticeship to literature as a hackauthor of the lowest degree Knowing I had talents which might be turned to account I tried to vindicate them by writing an original work But my experience of the world had made me unfit to dress my thoughts in popular costume I could only tell bitter truths bitterly I exposed licenced hypocrisies too openly I saw the vicious side of many respectabilities and said I saw it—in short I called things by their right names and no publisher would treat with me So I stuck to my low taskwork my pennya lining in thirdclass newspapers my translating from Frenchmen and Germans and plagiarising from dead authors to supply the raw material for bookmongering by more accomplished bookmongers than I In this life there was one advantage which compensated for much misery and meanness and bitter biting disappointment I could keep my identity securely concealed Character was of no consequence to me nobody cared to know who I was or to inquire what I had been—the gallowsmark was smoothed out at last
While I was living thus on the offal of literature I met with a woman of good birth and fair fortune whose sympathies or whose curiosity I happened to interest She and her father and mother received me favourably as a gentleman who had known better days and an author whom the public had undeservedly neglected How I managed to gain their confidence and esteem without alluding to my parentage it is not worth while to stop to describe That I did so you will easily imagine when I tell you that the woman to whom I refer consented with her fathers full approval to become my wife
The very day of the marriage was fixed I believed I had successfully parried all perilous inquiries—but I was wrong A relation of the family whom I had never seen came to town a short time before the wedding We disliked each other on our first introduction He was a clever resolute man of the world and privately inquired about me to much better purpose in a few days than his family had done in several months Accident favoured him strangely everything was discovered—literally everything—and I was contemptuously dismissed the house Could a lady of respectability marry a man no matter how worthy in her eyes whose father had been hanged whose mother had died in a madhouse who had lived under assumed names who had been driven from an excellent country neighbourhood for cruelty to a harmless schoolboy Impossible
With this event my long strife and struggle with the world ended
My eyes opened to a new view of life and the purpose of life My first aspirations to live up to my birthright position in spite of adversity and dishonour to make my name sweet enough in mens nostrils to cleanse away the infamy on my fathers were now no more The ambition which—whether I was a hackauthor a travelling portraitpainter or an usher at a school—had once whispered to me low down as you are in dark miry ways you are on the path which leads upward to high places in the sunshine afaroff you are not working to scrape together wealth for another man you are independent selfreliant labouring in your own cause—the daring ambition which had once counselled thus sank dead within me at last The strong stern spirit was beaten by spirits stronger and sterner yet—Infamy and Want
I wrote to a man of character and wealth one of my friends of early days who had ceased to hold communication with me like other friends but unlike them had given me up in genuine sorrow I wrote and asked him to meet me privately by night I was too ragged to go to his house too sensitive still even if I had gone and had been admitted to risk encountering people there who either knew my father or knew how he had died I wished to speak to my former friend unseen and made the appointment accordingly He kept it
When we met I said to him—I have a last favour to ask of you When we parted years ago I had high hopes and brave resolutions—both are worn out I then believed that I could not only rise superior to my misfortune but could make that very misfortune the motive of my rise You told me I was too quick of temper too morbidly sensitive about the slightest reference to my fathers death too fierce and changeable under undeserved trial and disappointment This might have been true then but I am altered now pride and ambition have been persecuted and starved out of me An obscure monotonous life in which thought and spirit may be laid asleep never to wake again is the only life I care for Help me to lead it I ask you first as a beggar to give me from your superfluity apparel decent enough to bear the daylight I ask you next to help me to some occupation which will just give me my bread my shelter and my hour or two of solitude in the evening You have plenty of influence to do this and you know I am honest You cannot choose me too humble and obscure an employment let me descend low enough to be lost to sight beneath the world I have lived in let me go among people who want to know that I work honestly for them and want to know nothing more Get me a mean hidingplace to conceal myself and my history in for ever and then neither attempt to see me nor communicate with me again If former friends chance to ask after me tell them I am dead or gone into another country The wisest life is the life the animals lead I want like them to serve my master for food shelter and liberty to lie asleep now and then in the sunshine without being driven away as a pest or a trespasser Do you believe in this resolution—it is my last
He did believe in it and he granted what I asked Through his interference and recommendation I entered the service of Mr Sherwin—
I must stop here for today Tomorrow I shall come to disclosures of vital interest to you Have you been surprised that I your enemy by every cause of enmity that one man can have against another should write to you so fully about the secrets of my early life I have done so because I wish the strife between us to be an open strife on my side because I desire that you should know thoroughly what you have to expect from my character after such a life as I have led There was purpose in my deceit when I deceived you—there is purpose in my frankness when I now tell you all
I began in Mr Sherwins employment as the lowest clerk in his office Both the master and the men looked a little suspiciously on me at first My account of myself was always the same—simple and credible I had entered the countinghouse with the best possible recommendation and I acted up to it These circumstances in my favour joined to a manner that never varied and to a steadiness at my work that never relaxed soon produced their effect—all curiosity about me gradually died away I was left to pursue my avocations in peace The friend who had got me my situation preserved my secret as I had desired him of all the people whom I had formerly known pitiless enemies and lukewarm adherents not one ever suspected that my hidingplace was the back office of a linendrapers shop For the first time in my life I felt that the secret of my fathers misfortune was mine and mine only that my security from exposure was at length complete
Before long I rose to the chief place in the countinghouse It was no very difficult matter for me to discover that my new masters character had other elements besides that of the highest respectability In plain terms I found him to be a pretty equal compound by nature of the fool the tyrant and the coward There was only one direction in which what grovelling sympathies he had could be touched to some purpose Save him waste or get him profit and he was really grateful I succeeded in working both these marvels His managing man cheated him I found it out refused to be bribed to collusion and exposed the fraud to Mr Sherwin This got me his confidence and the place of chief clerk In that position I discovered a means which had never occurred to my employer of greatly enlarging his business and its profits with the least possible risk He tried my plan and it succeeded This gained me his warmest admiration an increase of salary and a firm footing in his family circle My projects were more than fulfilled I had money enough and leisure enough and spent my obscure existence exactly as I had proposed
But my life was still not destined to be altogether devoid of an animating purpose When I first knew Margaret Sherwin she was just changing from childhood to girlhood I marked the promise of future beauty in her face and figure and secretly formed the resolution which you afterwards came forward to thwart but which I have executed and will execute in spite of you
The thoughts out of which that resolution sprang counselled me more calmly than you can suppose I said within myself The best years of my life have been irrevocably wasted misery and humiliation and disaster have followed my steps from my youth of all the pleasant draughts which other men drink to sweeten existence not one has passed my lips I will know happiness before I die and this girl shall confer it She shall grow up to maturity for me I will imperceptibly gain such a hold on her affections while they are yet young and impressible that when the time comes and I speak the word—though my years more than double hers though I am dependent on her father for the bread I eat though parents voice and lovers voice unite to call her back—she shall still come to my side and of her own free will put her hand in mine and follow me wherever I go my wife my mistress my servant which I choose
This was my project To execute it time and opportunity were mine and I steadily and warily made use of them hour by hour day by day year by year From first to last the girls father never suspected me Besides the security which he felt in my age he had judged me by his own small commercial standard and had found me a model of integrity A man who had saved him from being cheated who had so enlarged and consolidated his business as to place him among the top dignitaries of the trade who was the first to come to the desk in the morning and the last to remain there in the evening who had not only never demanded but had absolutely refused to take a single holiday—such a man as this was morally and intellectually a man in ten thousand a man to be admired and trusted in every relation of life
His confidence in me knew no bounds He was uneasy if I was not by to advise him in the simplest matters My ears were the first to which he confided his insane ambition on the subject of his daughter—his anxiety to see her marry above her station—his stupid resolution to give her the false flippant fashionable education which she subsequently received I thwarted his plans in nothing openly—counteracted them in everything secretly The more I strengthened my sources of influence over Margaret the more pleased he was He was delighted to hear her constantly referring to me about her homelessons to see her coming to me evening after evening to learn new occupations and amusements He suspected I had been a gentleman he had been told I spoke pure English he felt sure I had received a firstrate education—I was nearly as good for Margaret as good society itself When she grew older and went to the fashionable school as her father had declared she should my offer to keep up her lessons in the holidays and to examine what progress she had made when she came home regularly every fortnight for the Sunday was accepted with greedy readiness and acknowledged with servile gratitude At this time Mr Sherwins own estimate of me among his friends was that he had got me for half nothing and that I was worth more to him than a thousand ayear
But there was one member of the family who suspected my intentions from the first Mrs Sherwin—the weak timid sickly woman whose opinion nobody regarded whose character nobody understood—Mrs Sherwin of all those who dwelt in the house or came to the house was the only one whose looks words and manner kept me constantly on my guard The very first time we saw each other that woman doubted me as I doubted her and for ever afterwards when we met she was on the watch This mutual distrust this antagonism of our two natures never openly proclaimed itself and never wore away My chance of security lay not so much in my own caution and my perfect command of look and action under all emergencies as in the selfdistrust and timidity of her nature in the helpless inferiority of position to which her husbands want of affection and her daughters want of respect condemned her in her own house and in the influence of repulsion—at times even of absolute terror—which my presence had the power of communicating to her Suspecting what I am assured she suspected—incapable as she was of rendering her suspicions certainties—knowing beforehand as she must have known that no words she could speak would gain the smallest respect or credit from her husband or her child—that womans life while I was at North Villa must have been a life of the direst mental suffering to which any human being was ever condemned
As time passed and Margaret grew older her beauty both of face and form approached nearer to perfection than I had foreseen closely as I watched her But neither her mind nor her disposition kept pace with her beauty I studied her closely with the same patient penetrating observation which my experience of the world has made it a habit with me to direct on every one with whom I am brought in contact—I studied her I say intently and found her worthy of nothing not even of the slavedestiny which I had in store for her
She had neither heart nor mind in the higher sense of those words She had simply instincts—most of the bad instincts of an animal none of the good The great motive power which really directed her was Deceit I never met with any human being so inherently disingenuous so naturally incapable of candour even in the most trifling affairs of life as she was The best training could never have wholly overcome this vice in her the education she actually got—an education under false pretences—encouraged it Everybody has read some people have known of young girls who have committed the most extraordinary impostures or sustained the most infamous false accusations their chief motive being often the sheer enjoyment of practising deceit Of such characters was the character of Margaret Sherwin
She had strong passions but not their frequent accompaniment—strong will and strong intellect She had some obstinacy but no firmness Appeal in the right way to her vanity and you could make her do the thing she had declared she would not do the minute after she had made the declaration As for her mind it was of the lowest schoolgirl average She had a certain knack at learning this thing and remembering that but she understood nothing fairly felt nothing deeply If I had not had my own motive in teaching her I should have shut the books again the first time she and I opened them together and have given her up as a fool
All however that I discovered of bad in her character never made me pause in the prosecution of my design I had carried it too far for that before I thoroughly knew her Besides what mattered her duplicity to me—I could see through it Her strong passions—I could control them Her obstinacy—I could break it Her poverty of intellect—I cared nothing about her intellect What I wanted was youth and beauty she was young and beautiful and I was sure of her
Yes sure Her showy person showy accomplishments and showy manners dazzled all eyes but mine—Of all the people about her I alone found out what she really was and in that lay the main secret of my influence over her I dreaded no rivalry Her father prompted by his ambitious hopes kept most young men of her class away from the house the few who did come were not dangerous they were as incapable of inspiring as she was of feeling real love Her mother still watched me and still discovered nothing still suspected me behind my back and still trembled before my face Months passed on monotonously year succeeded to year and I bided my time as patiently and kept my secret as cautiously as at the first No change occurred nothing happened to weaken or alter my influence at North Villa until the day arrived when Margaret left school and came home for good
Exactly at the period to which I have referred certain business transactions of great importance required the presence of Mr Sherwin or of some confidential person to represent him at Lyons Secretly distrusting his own capabilities he proposed to me to go saying that it would be a pleasant trip for me and a good introduction to his wealthy manufacturing correspondents After some consideration I accepted his offer
I had never hinted a word of my intentions towards her to Margaret but she understood them well enough—I was certain of that from many indications which no man could mistake For reasons which will presently appear I resolved not to explain myself until my return from Lyons My private object in going there was to make interest secretly with Mr Sherwins correspondents for a situation in their house I knew that when I made my proposals to Margaret I must be prepared to act on them on the instant I knew that her fathers fury when he discovered that I had been helping to educate his daughter only for myself would lead him to any extremities I knew that we must fly to some foreign country and lastly I knew the importance of securing a provision for our maintenance when we got there I had saved money it is true—nearly twothirds of my salary every year—but had not saved enough for two Accordingly I left England to push my own interests as well as my employers left it confident that my short absence would not weaken the result of years of steady influence over Margaret The sequel showed that cautious and calculating as I was I had nevertheless overlooked the chances against me which my own experience of her vanity and duplicity ought to have enabled me thoroughly to foresee
Well I had been some time at Lyons had managed my employers business from first to last I was faithful as I had engaged to be to his commercial interests and had arranged my own affairs securely and privately Already I was looking forward with sensations of happiness which were new to me to my return and to the achievement of the one success the solitary triumph of my long life of humiliation and disaster when a letter arrived from Mr Sherwin It contained the news of your private marriage and of the extraordinary conditions that had been attached to it with your consent
Other people were in the room with me when I read that letter but my manner betrayed nothing to them My hand never trembled when I folded the sheet of paper again I was not a minute late in attending a business engagement which I had accepted the slightest duties of other kinds which I had to do I rigidly fulfilled Never did I more thoroughly and fairly earn the evenings leisure by the mornings work than I earned it that day
Leaving the town at the close of afternoon I walked on till I came to a solitary place on the bank of the great river which runs near Lyons There I opened the letter for the second time and read it through again slowly with no necessity now for selfcontrol because no human being was near to look at me There I read your name constantly repeated in every line of writing and knew that the man who in my absence had stepped between me and my prize—the man who in his insolence of youth and birth and fortune had snatched from me the one longdelayed reward for twenty years of misery just as my hands were stretched forth to grasp it was the son of that honourable and highborn gentleman who had given my father to the gallows and had made me the outcast of my social privileges for life
The sun was setting when I looked up from the letter flashes of roselight leapt on the leaping river the birds were winging nestward to the distant trees and the ghostly stillness of night was sailing solemnly over earth and sky as the first thought of the vengeance I would have on father and son began to burn fiercely at my heart to move like a new life within me to whisper to my spirit—Wait be patient they are both in your power you can now foul the fathers name as the father fouled yours—you can yet thwart the son as the son has thwarted you
In the few minutes that passed while I lingered in that lonely place after reading the letter I imagined the whole scheme which it afterwards took a year to execute I laid the whole plan against you and your father the first half of which through the accident that led you to your discovery has alone been carried out I believed then as I believe now that I stood towards you both in the place of an injured man whose right it was in selfdefence and selfassertion to injure you Judged by your ideas this may read wickedly but to me after having lived and suffered as I have the modern commonplaces current in the world are so many brazen images which society impudently worships—like the Jews of old—in the face of living Truth
Let us get back to England
That evening when we met for the first time did you observe that Margaret was unusually agitated before I came in I detected some change the moment I saw her Did you notice that I avoided speaking to her or looking at her it was because I was afraid to do so I saw that with my return my old influence over her was coming back and I still believe that hypocritical and heartless though she was and blinded though you were by your passion for her she would unconsciously have betrayed everything to you on that evening if I had not acted as I did Her mother too how her mother watched me from the moment when I came in
Afterwards while you were trying hard to open undetected the sealed history of my early life I was warily discovering from Margaret all that I desired to know I say warily but the word poorly expresses my consummate caution and patience at that time I never put myself in her power never risked offending or frightening or revolting her never lost an opportunity of bringing her back to her old habits of familiarity and more than all never gave her mother a single opportunity of detecting me This was the sum of what I gathered up bit by bit from secret and scattered investigations persevered in through many weeks
Her vanity had been hurt her expectations disappointed at my having left her for Lyons with no other parting words than such as I might have spoken to any other woman whom I looked on merely as a friend That she felt any genuine love for me I never have believed and never shall but I had that practical ability that firmness of will that obvious personal ascendancy over most of those with whom I came in contact which extorts the respect and admiration of women of all characters and even of women of no character at all As far as her senses her instincts and her pride could take her I had won her over to me but no farther—because no farther could she go I mention pride among her motives advisedly She was proud of being the object of such attentions as I had now paid to her for years because she fancied that through those attentions I who more or less ruled everyone else in her sphere had yielded to her the power of ruling me The manner of my departure from England showed her too plainly that she had miscalculated her influence and that the power in her case as in the case of others was all on my side Hence the wound to her vanity to which I have alluded
It was while this wound was still fresh that you met her and appealed to her selfesteem in a new direction You must have seen clearly enough that such proposals as yours far exceeded the most ambitious expectations formed by her father No mans alliance could have lifted her much higher out of her own class she knew this and from that knowledge married you—married you for your station for your name for your great friends and connections for your fathers money and carriages and fine houses for everything in short but yourself
Still in spite of the temptations of youth wealth and birth which your proposals held out to her she accepted them at first I made her confess it herself with a secret terror and misgiving produced by the remembrance of me These sensations however she soon quelled or fancied she quelled and these it was now my last best chance to revive I had a whole year for the work before me and I felt certain of success
On your side you had immense advantages You had social superiority you had her fathers full approbation and you were married to her If she had loved you for yourself loved you for anything besides her own sensual interests her vulgar ambition her reckless vanity every effort I could have made against you would have been defeated from the first But setting this out of the question in spite of the utter heartlessness of her attachment to you if you had not consented to that condition of waiting a year for her after marriage or consenting to it if you had broken it long before the year was out—knowing as you should have known that in most womens eyes a man is not dishonoured by breaking his promise so long as he breaks it for a womans sake—if I say you had taken either of these courses I should still have been powerless against you But you remained faithful to your promise faithful to the condition faithful to the illdirected modesty of your love and that very fidelity put you in my power A pureminded girl would have loved you a thousand times better for acting as you did—but Margaret Sherwin was not a pureminded girl not a maidenly girl I have looked into her thoughts and I know it
Such were your chances against me and such was the manner in which you misused them On my side I had indefatigable patience personal advantages equal with the exception of birth and age to yours longestablished influence freedom to be familiar and more than all that stealthy unflagging strength of purpose which only springs from the desire of revenge I first thoroughly tested your character and discovered on what points it was necessary for me to be on my guard against you when you took shelter under my roof from the storm If your father had been with you on that night there were moments while the tempest was wrought to its full fury when if my voice could have called the thunder down on the house to crush it and every one in it to atoms I would have spoken the word and ended the strife for all of us The wind the hail and the lightning maddened my thoughts of your father and you—I was nearly letting you see it when that flash came between us as we parted at my door
How I gained your confidence you know and you know also how I contrived to make you use me afterwards as the secret friend who procured you privileges with Margaret which her father would not grant at your own request This at the outset secured me from suspicion on your part and I had only to leave it to your infatuation to do the rest With you my course was easy—with her it was beset by difficulties but I overcame them Your fatal consent to wait through a year of probation furnished me with weapons against you which I employed to the most unscrupulous purpose I can picture to myself what would be your indignation and your horror if I fully described the use which I made of the position in which your compliance with her fathers conditions placed you towards Margaret I spare you this avowal—it would be useless now Consider me what you please denounce my conduct in any terms you like my justification will always be the same I was the injured man you were the aggressor I was righting myself by getting back a possession of which you had robbed me and any means were sanctified by such an end as that
But my success so far was of little avail in itself against the allpowerful counterattraction which you possessed Contemptible or not you still had this superiority over me—you could make a fine lady of her From that fact sprang the ambition which all my influence dating as it did from her childhood could not destroy There was fastened the mainspring which regulated her selfish devotion to you and which it was next to impossible to snap asunder I never made the attempt
The scheme which I proposed to her when she was fully prepared to hear it and to conceal that she had heard it left her free to enjoy all the social advantages which your alliance could bestow—free to ride in her carriage and go into her fathers shop that was one of her ambitions as a new customer added to his aristocratic connection—free even to become one of your family unsuspected in case your rash marriage was forgiven Your credulity rendered the execution of this scheme easy In what manner it was to be carried out and what object I proposed to myself in framing it I abstain from avowing for the simple reason that the discovery at which you arrived by following us on the night of the party made my plan abortive and has obliged me since to renounce it I need only say in this place that it threatened your father as well as you and that Margaret recoiled from it at first—not from any horror of the proposal but through fear of discovery Gradually I overcame her apprehensions very gradually for I was not thoroughly secure of her devotion to my purpose until your year of probation was nearly out
Through all that year daily visitor as you were at North Villa you never suspected either of us And yet had you been one whit less infatuated how many warnings you might have discovered which in spite of her duplicity and my caution would then have shown themselves plainly enough to put you on your guard Those abrupt changes in her manner those alternate fits of peevish silence and capricious gaiety which sometimes displayed themselves even in your presence had every one of them their meaning—though you could not discern it Sometimes they meant fear of discovery sometimes fear of me now they might be traced back to hidden contempt now to passions swelling under fancied outrage now to secret remembrance of disclosures I had just made or eager anticipation of disclosures I had yet to reveal There were times at which every step of the way along which I was advancing was marked faintly yet significantly in her manner and her speech could you only have interpreted them aright My first renewal of my old influence over her my first words that degraded you in her eyes my first successful pleading of my own cause against yours my first appeal to those passions in her which I knew how to move my first proposal to her of the whole scheme which I had matured in solitude in the foreign country by the banks of the great river—all these separate and gradual advances on my part towards the end which I was vowed to achieve were outwardly shadowed forth in her consummate as were her capacities for deceit and consummately as she learnt to use them against you
Do you remember noticing on your return from the country how ill Margaret looked and how ill I looked We had some interviews during your absence at which I spoke such words to her as would have left their mark on the face of a Jezebel or a Messalina Have you forgotten how often during the latter days of your year of expectation I abruptly left the room after you had called me in to bear you company in your evening readings My pretext was sudden illness and illness it was but not of the body As the time approached I felt less and less secure of my own caution and patience With you indeed I might still have considered myself safe it was the presence of Mrs Sherwin that drove me from the room Under that womans fatal eye I shrank when the last days drew near—I who had defied her detection and stood firmly on my guard against her sleepless silent deadly vigilance for months and months—gave way as the end approached I knew that she had once or twice spoken strangely to you and I dreaded lest her wandering incoherent words might yet take in time a recognisable direction a palpable shape They did not the instinct of terror bound her tongue to the last Perhaps even if she had spoken plainly you would not have believed her you would have been still true to yourself and to your confidence in Margaret Enemy as I am to you enemy as I will be to the day of your death I will do you justice for the past—Your love for that girl was a love which even the purest and best of women could never have thoroughly deserved
My letter is nearly done my retrospect is finished I have brought it down to the date of events about which you know as much as I do Accident conducted you to a discovery which otherwise you might not have made perhaps for months perhaps not at all until I had led you to it of my own accord I say accident positively knowing that from first to last I trusted no third person What you know you knew by accident alone
But for that chance discovery you would have seen me bring her back to North Villa at the appointed time in my care just as she went out I had no dread of her meeting you But enough of her I shall dispose of her future as I had resolved to dispose of it years ago careless how she may be affected when she first sees the hideous alteration which your attack has wrought in me Enough I say of the Sherwins—father mother and daughter—your destiny lies not with them but with me
Do you still exult in having deformed me in every feature in having given me a face to revolt every human being who looks at me Do you triumph in the remembrance of this atrocity as you triumphed in the acting of it—believing that you had destroyed my future with Margaret in destroying my very identity as a man I tell you that with the hour when I leave this hospital your day of triumph will be over and your day of expiation will begin—never to end till the death of one of us You shall live—refined educated gentleman as you are—to wish like a ruffian that you had killed me and your father shall live to wish it too
Am I trying to awe you with the fierce words of a boaster and a bully Test me by looking back a little and discovering what I have abstained from for the sake of my purpose since I have been here A word or two from my lips in answer to the questions with which I have been baited day after day by those about me would have called you before a magistrate to answer for an assault—a shocking and a savage assault even in this country where hand to hand brutality is a marketable commodity between the Prisoner and the Law Your fathers name might have been publicly coupled with your dishonour if I had but spoken and I was silent I kept the secret—kept it because to avenge myself on you by a paltry scandal which you and your family opposing to it wealth position previous character and general sympathy would live down in a few days was not my revenge because to be righted before magistrates and judges by a beggarmans exhibition of physical injury and a cowards confession of physical defeat was not my way of righting myself I have a lifelong retaliation in view which laws and lawgivers are powerless either to aid or to oppose—the retaliation which set a mark upon Cain as I will set a mark on you and then made his life his punishment as I will make your life yours
How Remember what my career has been and know that I will make your career like it As my fathers death by the hangman affected my existence so the events of that night when you followed me shall affect yours Your father shall see you living the life to which his evidence against my father condemned me—shall see the foul stain of your disaster clinging to you wherever you go The infamy with which I am determined to pursue you shall be your own infamy that you cannot get quit of—for you shall never get quit of me never get quit of the wife who has dishonoured you You may leave your home and leave England you may make new friends and seek new employments years and years may pass away—and still you shall not escape us still you shall never know when we are near or when we are distant when we are ready to appear before you or when we are sure to keep out of your sight My deformed face and her fatal beauty shall hunt you through the world The terrible secret of your dishonour and of the atrocity by which you avenged it shall ooze out through strange channels in vague shapes by tortuous intangible processes ever changing in the manner of its exposure never remediable by your own resistance and always directed to the same end—your isolation as a marked man in every fresh sphere among every new community to which you retreat
Do you call this a very madness of malignity and revenge It is the only occupation in life for which your mutilation of me has left me fit and I accept it as work worthy of my deformity In the prospect of watching how you bear this hunting through life that never quite hunts you down how long you resist the poisoninfluence as slow as it is sure of a crafty tongue that cannot be silenced of a denouncing presence that cannot be fled of a damning secret torn from you and exposed afresh each time you have hidden it—there is the promise of a nameless delight which it sometimes fevers sometimes chills my blood to think of Lying in this place at night in those hours of darkness and stillness when the surrounding atmosphere of human misery presses heavy on me in my heavy sleep prophecies of dread things to come between us trouble my spirit in dreams At those times I know and shudder in knowing that there is something besides the motive of retaliation something less earthly and apparent than that which urges me horribly and supernaturally to link myself to you for life which makes me feel as the bearer of a curse that shall follow you as the instrument of a fatality pronounced against you long ere we met—a fatality beginning before our fathers were parted by the hangman perpetuating itself in you and me ending who shall say how or when
Beware of comforting yourself with a false security by despising my words as the wild words of a madman dreaming of the perpetration of impossible crimes Throughout this letter I have warned you of what you may expect because I will not assail you at disadvantage as you assailed me because it is my pleasure to ruin you openly resisting me at every step I have given you fair play as the huntsmen give fair play at starting to the animal they are about to run down Be warned against seeking a false hope in the belief that my faculties are shaken and that my resolves are visionary—false because such a hope is only despair in disguise
I have done The time is not far distant when my words will become deeds They cure fast in a public hospital we shall meet soon
ROBERT MANNION
We shall meet soon
How Where I looked back at the last page of writing But my attention wandered strangely I confused one paragraph with another the longer I read the less I was able to grasp the meaning not of sentences merely but even of the simplest words
From the first lines to the last the letter had produced no distinct impressions on my mind So utterly was I worn out by the previous events of the day that even those earlier portions of Mannions confession which revealed the connection between my father and his and the terrible manner of their separation hardly roused me to more than a momentary astonishment I just called to remembrance that I had never heard the subject mentioned at home except once or twice in vague hints dropped mysteriously by an old servant and little regarded by me at the time as referring to matters which had happened before I was born I just reflected thus briefly and languidly on the narrative at the commencement of the letter and then mechanically read on Except the passages which contained the exposure of Margarets real character and those which described the origin and progress of Mannions infamous plot nothing in the letter impressed me as I was afterwards destined to be impressed by it on a second reading The lethargy of all feeling into which I had now sunk seemed a very lethargy of death
I tried to clear and concentrate my faculties by thinking of other subjects but without success All that I had heard and seen since the morning now recurred to me more and more vaguely and confusedly I could form no plan either for the present or the future I knew as little how to meet Mr Sherwins last threat of forcing me to acknowledge his guilty daughter as how to defend myself against the lifelong hostility with which I was menaced by Mannion A feeling of awe and apprehension which I could trace to no distinct cause stole irresistibly and mysteriously over me A horror of the searching brightness of daylight a suspicion of the loneliness of the place to which I had retreated a yearning to be among my fellowcreatures again to live where there was life—the busy life of London—overcame me I turned hastily and walked back from the suburbs to the city
It was growing towards evening as I gained one of the great thoroughfares Seeing some of the inhabitants of the houses as I walked along sitting at their open windows to enjoy the evening air the thought came to me for the first time that day—where shall I lay my head tonight Home I had none Friends who would have gladly received me were not wanting but to go to them would oblige me to explain myself to disclose something of the secret of my calamity and this I was determined to keep concealed as I had told my father I would keep it My lastleft consolation was my knowledge of still preserving that resolution of still honourably holding by it at all hazards cost what it might
So I thought no more of succour or sympathy from any one of my friends As a stranger I had been driven from my home and as a stranger I was resigned to live until I had learnt how to conquer my misfortune by my own vigour and endurance Firm in this determination though firm in nothing else I now looked around me for the first shelter I could purchase from strangers—the humbler the better
I happened to be in the poorest part and on the poorest side of the great street along which I was walking—among the inferior shops and the houses of few stories A room to let was not hard to find here I took the first I saw escaped questions about names and references by paying my weeks rent in advance and then found myself left in possession of the one little room which I must be resigned to look on for the future—perhaps for a long future—as my home
Home A dear and a mournful remembrance was revived in the reflections suggested by that simple word Through the darkness that thickened over my mind there now passed one faint ray of light which gave promise of the morning—the light of the calm face that I had last looked on when it was resting on my fathers breast
Clara My parting words to her when I had unclasped from my neck those kind arms which would fain have held me to home for ever had expressed a promise that was yet unfulfilled I trembled as I now thought on my sisters situation Not knowing whither I had turned my steps on leaving home uncertain to what extremities my despair might hurry me absolutely ignorant even whether she might ever see me again—it was terrible to reflect on the suspense under which she might be suffering at this very moment on my account My promise to write to her was of all promises the most vitally important and the first that should be fulfilled
My letter was very short I communicated to her the address of the house in which I was living well knowing that nothing but positive information on this point would effectually relieve her anxiety—I asked her to write in reply and let me hear some news of her the best that she could give—and I entreated her to believe implicitly in my patience and courage under every disaster and to feel assured that whatever happened I should never lose the hope of soon meeting her again Of the perils that beset me of the wrong and injury I might yet be condemned to endure I said nothing Those were truths which I was determined to conceal from her to the last She had suffered for me more than I dared think of already
I sent my letter by hand so as to ensure its immediate delivery In writing those few simple lines I had no suspicion of the important results which they were destined to produce In thinking of tomorrow and of all the events which tomorrow might bring with it I little thought whose voice would be the first to greet me the next day whose hand would be held out to me as the helping hand of a friend
VI
It was still early in the morning when a loud knock sounded at the housedoor and I heard the landlady calling to the servant A gentleman to see the gentleman who came in last night The moment the words reached me my thoughts recurred to the letter of yesterday—Had Mannion found me out in my retreat As the suspicion crossed my mind the door opened and the visitor entered
I looked at him in speechless astonishment It was my elder brother It was Ralph himself who now walked into the room
Well Basil how are you he said with his old offhand manner and hearty voice
Ralph You in England—you here
I came back from Italy last night Basil how awfully youre changed I hardly know you again
His manner altered as he spoke the last words The look of sorrow and alarm which he fixed on me went to my heart I thought of holidaytime when we were boys of Ralphs boisterous ways with me of his goodhumoured schoolfrolics at my expense of the strong bond of union between us so strangely compounded of my weakness and his strength of my passive and of his active nature I saw how little he had changed since that time and knew as I never knew before how miserably I was altered All the shame and grief of my banishment from home came back on me at sight of his friendly familiar face I struggled hard to keep my selfpossession and tried to bid him welcome cheerfully but the effort was too much for me I turned away my head as I took his hand for the old schoolboy feeling of not letting Ralph see that I was in tears influenced me still
Basil Basil what are you about This wont do Look up and listen to me I have promised Clara to pull you through this wretched mess and Ill do it Get a chair and give me a light Im going to sit on your bed smoke a cigar and have a long talk with you
While he was lighting his cigar I looked more closely at him than before Though he was the same as ever in manner though his expression still preserved its reckless levity of former days I now detected that he had changed a little in some other respects His features had become coarser—dissipation had begun to mark them His spare active muscular figure had filled out he was dressed rather carelessly and of all his trinkets and chains of early times not one appeared about him now Ralph looked prematurely middleaged since I had seen him last
Well he began first of all about my coming back The fact is the morganatic Mrs Ralph— he referred to his last mistress wanted to see England and I was tired of being abroad So I brought her back with me and were going to live quietly somewhere in the Brompton neighbourhood That woman has been my salvation—you must come and see her She has broke me of gaming altogether I was going to the devil as fast as I could when she stopped me—but you know all about it of course Well we got to London yesterday afternoon and in the evening I left her at the hotel and went to report myself at home There the first thing I heard was that you had cut me out of my old original distinction of being the family scamp Dont look distressed Basil Im not laughing at you Ive come to do something better than that Never mind my talk nothing in the world ever was serious to me and nothing ever will be
He stopped to knock the ash off his cigar and settle himself more comfortably on my bed then proceeded
It has been my illluck to see my father pretty seriously offended on more than one occasion but I never saw him so very quiet and so very dangerous as last night when he was telling me about you I remember well enough how he spoke and looked when he caught me putting away my troutflies in the pages of that family history of his but it was nothing to see him or hear him then to what it is now I can tell you this Basil—if I believed in what the poetical people call a broken heart which I dont I should be almost afraid that he was brokenhearted I saw it was no use to say a word for you just yet so I sat quiet and listened to him till I got my dismissal for the evening My next proceeding was to go upstairs and see Clara Upstairs I give you my word of honour it was worse still Clara was walking about the room with your letter in her hand—just reach me the matches my cigars out Some men can talk and smoke in equal proportions—I never could
You know as well as I do he continued when he had relit his cigar that Clara is not usually demonstrative I always thought her rather a cold temperament—but the moment I put my head in at the door I found Id been just as great a fool on that point as on most others Basil the scream Clara gave when she first saw me and the look in her eyes when she talked about you positively frightened me I cant describe anything and I hate descriptions by other men most likely on that very account so I wont describe what she said and did Ill only tell you that it ended in my promising to come here the first thing this morning promising to get you out of the scrape promising in short everything she asked me So here I am ready for your business before my own The fair partner of my existence is at the hotel halffrantic because I wont go lodginghunting with her but Clara is paramount Clara is the first thought Somebody must be a good boy at home and now you have resigned Im going to try and succeed you by way of a change
Ralph Ralph can you mention Claras name and that womans name in the same breath Did you leave Clara quieter and better For Gods sake be serious about that though serious about nothing else
Gently Basil Doucement mon ami I did leave her quieter my promise made her look almost like herself again As for what you say about mentioning Clara and Mrs Ralph in the same breath Ive been talking and smoking till I have no second breaths left to devote to secondrate virtue There is an unanswerable reason for you if you want one And now let us get to the business that brings me here I dont want to worry you by raking up this miserable mess again from beginning to end in your presence but I must make sure at the same time that I have got hold of the right story or I cant be of any use to you My father was a little obscure on certain points He talked enough and more than enough about consequences to the family about his own affliction about his giving you up for ever and in short about everything but the case itself as it really stands against us Now that is just what I ought to be put up to and must be put up to Let me tell you in three words what I was told last night
Go on Ralph speak as you please
Very good First of all I understand that you took a fancy to some shopkeepers daughter—so far mind I dont blame you Ive spent time very pleasantly among the ladies of the counter myself But in the second place Im told that you actually married the girl I dont wish to be hard upon you my good fellow but there was an unparalleled insanity about that act worthier of a patient in Bedlam than of my brother I am not quite sure whether I understand exactly what virtuous behaviour is but if that was virtuous behaviour—there there dont look shocked Lets have done with the marriage and get on Well you made the girl your wife and then innocently consented to a very queer condition of waiting a year for her virtuous behaviour again I suppose At the end of that time—dont turn away your head Basil I may be a scamp but I am not blackguard enough to make a joke—either in your presence or out of it—of this part of the story I will pass it over altogether if you like and only ask you a question or two You see my father either could not or would not speak plainly of the worst part of the business and you know him well enough to know why But somebody must be a little explicit or I can do nothing About that man You found the scoundrel out Did you get within arms length of him
I told my brother of the struggle with Mannion in the Square
He heard me almost with his former schoolboy delight when I had succeeded to his satisfaction in a feat of strength or activity He jumped off the bed and seized both my hands in his strong grasp his face radiant his eyes sparkling Shake hands Basil Shake hands as we havent shaken hands yet this makes amends for everything One word more though about that fellow where is he now
In the hospital
Ralph laughed heartily and jumped back on the bed I remembered Mannions letter and shuddered as I thought of it
The next question is about the girl said my brother What has become of her Where was she all the time of your illness
At her fathers house she is there still
Ah yes I see the old story innocent of course And her father backs her doesnt he To be sure thats the old story too I have got at our difficulty now we are threatened with an exposure if you dont acknowledge her Wait a minute Have you any evidence against her besides your own
I have a letter a long letter from her accomplice containing a confession of his guilt and hers
She is sure to call that confession a conspiracy Its of no use to us unless we dared to go to law—and we darent We must hush the thing up at any price or it will be the death of my father This is a case for money just as I thought it would be Mr and Miss Shopkeeper have got a large assortment of silence to sell and we must buy it of them over the domestic counter at so much a yard Have you been there yet Basil to ask the price and strike the bargain
I was at the house yesterday
The deuce you were And who did you see—The father Did you bring him to terms did you do business with Mr Shopkeeper
His manner was brutal his language the language of a bully—
So much the better Those men are easiest dealt with if he will only fly into a passion with me I engage for success beforehand But the end—how did it end
As it began—in threats on his part in endurance on mine
Ah well see how he likes my endurance next hell find it rather a different sort of endurance from yours Bythebye Basil what money had you to offer him
I made no offer to him then Circumstances happened which rendered me incapable of thinking of it I intended to go there again today and if money would bribe him to silence and save my family from sharing the dishonour which has fallen on me to abandon to him the only money I have of my own—the little income left me by our mother
Do you mean to say that your only resource is in that wretched trifle and that you ever really intend to let it go and start in the world without a rap Do you mean to say that my father gave you up without making the smallest provision for you in such a mess as yours Hang it do him justice He has been hard enough on you I know but he cant have coolly turned you over to ruin in that way
He offered me money at parting but with such words of contempt and insult that I would have died rather than take it I told him that unaided by his purse I would preserve him and preserve his family from the infamous consequences of my calamity—though I sacrificed my own happiness and my own honour for ever in doing it And I go today to make that sacrifice The loss of the little I have to depend on is the least part of it He may not see his injustice in doubting me till too late but he shall see it
I beg your pardon Basil but this is almost as great an insanity as the insanity of your marriage I honour the independence of your principle my dear fellow but while I am to the fore Ill take good care that you dont ruin yourself gratuitously for the sake of any principles whatever Just listen to me now In the first place remember that what my father said to you he said in a moment of violent exasperation You had been trampling the pride of his life in the mud no man likes that—my father least of any And as for the offer of your poor little morsel of an income to stop these peoples greedy mouths it isnt a quarter enough for them They know our family is a wealthy family and they will make their demand accordingly Any other sacrifice even to taking the girl back though you never could bring yourself to do that would be of no earthly use Nothing but money will do money cunningly doled out under the strongest possible stipulations Now Im just the man to do that and I have got the money—or rather my father has which comes to the same thing Write me the fellows name and address theres no time to be lost—Im off to see him at once
I cant allow you Ralph to ask my father for what I would not ask him myself—
Give me the name and address or you will sour my excellent temper for the rest of my life Your obstinacy wont do with me Basil—it didnt at school and it wont now I shall ask my father for money for myself and use as much of it as I think proper for your interests Hell give me anything I want now I have turned good boy I dont owe fifty pounds since my last debts were paid off—thanks to Mrs Ralph who is the most managing woman in the world Bythebye when you see her dont seem surprised at her being older than I am Oh this is the address is it Hollyoake Square Where the devils that Never mind Ill take a cab and shift the responsibility of finding the place on the driver Keep up your spirits and wait here till I come back You shall have such news of Mr Shopkeeper and his daughter as you little expect Au revoir my dear fellow—au revoir
He left the room as rapidly as he had entered it The minute afterwards I remembered that I ought to have warned him of the fatal illness of Mrs Sherwin She might be dying—dead for aught I knew—when he reached the house I ran to the window to call him back it was too late Ralph was gone
Even if he were admitted at North Villa would he succeed I was little capable of estimating the chances The unexpectedness of his visit the strange mixture of sympathy and levity in his manner of worldly wisdom and boyish folly in his conversation appeared to be still confusing me in his absence just as they had confused me in his presence My thoughts imperceptibly wandered away from Ralph and the mission he had undertaken on my behalf to a subject which seemed destined for the future to steal on my attention irresistibly and darkly in all my lonely hours Already the fatality denounced against me in Mannions letter had begun to act already that terrible confession of past misery and crime that monstrous declaration of enmity which was to last with the lasting of life began to exercise its numbing influence on my faculties to cast its blighting shadow over my heart
I opened the letter again and reread the threats against me at its conclusion One by one the questions now arose in my mind how can I resist or how escape the vengeance of this evil spirit how shun the dread deformity of that face which is to appear before me in secret how silence that fiends tongue or make harmless the poison which it will pour drop by drop into my life When should I first look for that avenging presence—now or not till months hence Where should I first see it in the house—or in the street At what time would it steal to my side by night—or by day Should I show the letter to Ralph—it would be useless What would avail any advice or assistance which his reckless courage could give against an enemy who combined the ferocious vigilance of a savage with the farsighted iniquity of a civilised man
As this last thought crossed my mind I hastily closed the letter determining alas how vainly never to open it again Almost at the same instant I heard another knock at the housedoor Could Ralph have returned already impossible Besides the knock was very different from his—it was only just loud enough to be audible where I now sat
Mannion But would he come thus openly fairly in the broad daylight through the populous street
A light quick step ascended the stairs—my heart bounded I started to my feet It was the same step which I used to listen for and love to hear in my illness I ran to the door and opened it My instinct had not deceived me it was my sister
Basil she exclaimed before I could speak—has Ralph been here
Yes love—yes
Where has he gone what has he done for you He promised me—
And he has kept his promise nobly Clara he is away helping me now
Thank God thank God
She sank breathless into a chair as she spoke Oh the pang of looking at her at that moment and seeing how she was changed—seeing the dimness and weariness of the gentle eyes the fear and the sorrow that had already overshadowed the bright young face
I shall be better directly she said guessing from my expression what I then felt—but seeing you in this strange place after what happened yesterday and having come here so secretly in terror of my father finding it out—I cant help feeling your altered position and mine a little painfully at first But we wont complain as long as I can get here sometimes to see you we will only think of the future now What a mercy what a happiness it is that Ralph has come back We have always done him injustice he is far kinder and far better than we ever thought him But Basil how worn and ill you are looking Have you not told Ralph everything Are you in any danger
None Clara—none indeed
Dont grieve too deeply about yesterday Try and forget that horrible parting and all that brought it about He has not spoken of it since except to tell me that I must never know more of your fault and your misfortune than the little—the very little—I know already And I have resolved not to think about it as well as not to ask about it for the future I have a hope already Basil—very very far off fulfilment—but still a hope Can you not think what it is
Your hope is far off fulfilment indeed Clara if it is hope from my father
Hush dont say so I know better Something occurred even so soon as last night—a very trifling event—but enough to show that he thinks of you already in grief far more than in anger
I wish I could believe it love but my remembrance of yesterday—
Dont trust that remembrance dont recall it I will tell you what occurred Some time after you had gone and after I had recovered myself a little in my own room I went downstairs again to see my father for I was too terrified and too miserable at what had happened to be alone He was not in his room when I got there As I looked round me for a moment I saw the pieces of your page in the book about our family scattered on the floor and the miniature likeness of you when you were a child was lying among the other fragments It had been torn out of its setting in the paper but not injured I picked it up Basil and put it on the table at the place where he always sits and laid my own little locket with your hair in it by the side so that he might know that the miniature had not been accidentally taken up and put there by the servant Then I gathered together the pieces of the page and took them away with me thinking it better that he should not see them again Just as I had got through the door that leads into the library and was about to close it I heard the other door by which you enter the study from the hall opening and he came in and went directly to the table His back was towards me so I could look at him unperceived He observed the miniature directly and stood quite still with it in his hand then sighed—sighed so bitterly—and then took the portrait of our dear mother from one of the drawers of the table opened the case in which it is kept and put your miniature inside very gently and tenderly I could not trust myself to see any more so I went up to my room again and shortly afterwards he came in with my locket and gave it me back only saying—You left this on my table Clara But if you had seen his face then you would have hoped all things from him in the time to come as I hope now
And as I will hope Clara though it be from no stronger motive than gratitude to you
Before I left home she proceeded after a moments silence I thought of your loneliness in this strange place—knowing that I could seldom come to see you and then only by stealth by committing a fault which if my father found it out—but we wont speak of that I thought of your lonely hours here and I have brought with me an old forgotten companion of yours to bear you company and to keep you from thinking too constantly on what you have suffered Look Basil wont you welcome this old friend again
She gave me a small roll of manuscript with an effort to resume her kind smile of former days even while the tears stood thick in her eyes I untied the leaves glanced at the handwriting and saw before me once more the first few chapters of my unfinished romance Again I looked on the patientlylaboured pages familiar relics of that earliest and best ambition which I had abandoned for love too faithful records of the tranquil ennobling pleasures which I had lost for ever Oh for one ThoughtFlower now from the dreamgarden of the happy Past
I took more care of those leaves of writing after you had thrown them aside than of anything else I had said Clara I always thought the time would come when you would return again to the occupation which it was once your greatest pleasure to pursue and my greatest pleasure to watch And surely that time has arrived I am certain Basil your book will help you to wait patiently for happier times as nothing else can This place must seem very strange and lonely but the sight of those pages and the sight of me sometimes when I can come may make it look almost like home to you The room is not—not very—
She stopped suddenly I saw her lip tremble and her eyes grow dim again as she looked round her When I tried to speak all the gratitude I felt she turned away quickly and began to busy herself in rearranging the wretched furniture in setting in order the glaring ornaments on the chimneypiece in hiding the holes in the ragged windowcurtains in changing as far as she could all the tawdry discomfort of my one miserable little room She was still absorbed in this occupation when the churchclocks of the neighbourhood struck the hour—the hour that warned her to stay no longer
I must go she said it is later than I thought Dont be afraid about my getting home old Martha came here with me and is waiting downstairs to go back you know we can trust her Write to me as often as you can I shall hear about you every day from Ralph but I should like a letter sometimes as well Be as hopeful and as patient yourself dear under misfortune as you wish me to be and I shall despair of nothing Dont tell Ralph I have been here—he might be angry I will come again the first opportunity Goodbye Basil Let us try and part happily in the hope of better days Goodbye dear—goodbye only for the present
Her selfpossession nearly failed her as she kissed me and then turned to the door She just signed to me not to follow her downstairs and without looking round again hurried from the room
It was well for the preservation of our secret that she had so resolutely refrained from delaying her departure She had been gone but for a few minutes—the lovely and consoling influence of her presence was still fresh in my heart—I was still looking sadly over the once precious pages of manuscript which she had restored to me—when Ralph returned from North Villa I heard him leaping rather than running up the ricketty wooden stairs He burst into my room more impetuously than ever
All right he said jumping back to his former place on the bed We can buy Mr Shopkeeper for anything we like—for nothing at all if we choose to be stingy His innocent daughter has made the best of all confessions just at the right time Basil my boy she has left her fathers house
What do you mean
She has eloped to the hospital
Mannion
Yes Mannion I have got his letter to her She is criminated by it even past her fathers contradiction—and he doesnt stick at a trifle But Ill begin at the beginning and tell you everything Hang it Basil you look as if Id brought you bad news instead of good
Never mind how I look Ralph—pray go on
Well the first thing I heard on getting to the house was that Sherwins wife was dying The servant took in my name but I thought of course I shouldnt be admitted No such thing I was let in at once and the first words this fellow Sherwin said to me were that his wife was only ill that the servants were exaggerating and that he was quite ready to hear what Mr Basils highlyrespected brother fancy calling me highlyrespected had to say to him The fool however as you see was cunning enough to try civility to begin with A more illlooking human mongrel I never set eyes on I took the measure of my man directly and in two minutes told him exactly what I came for without softening a single word
And how did he answer you
As I anticipated by beginning to bluster immediately I took him down just as he swore his second oath Sir I said very politely if you mean to make a cursing and a swearing conference of this I think it only fair to inform you beforehand that you are likely to get the worst of it When the whole collection of British oaths is exhausted I can swear fluently in five foreign languages I have always made it a principle to pay back abuse at compound interest and I dont exaggerate in saying that I am quite capable of swearing you out of your senses if you persist in setting me the example And now if you like to go on pray do—Im ready to hear you While I was speaking he stared at me in a state of helpless astonishment when I had done he began to bluster again—but it was a pompous dignified parliamentary sort of bluster now ending in his pulling your unlucky marriagecertificate out of his pocket asserting for the fiftieth time that the girl was innocent and declaring that hed make you acknowledge her if he went before a magistrate to do it Thats what he said when you saw him I suppose
Yes almost word for word
I had my answer ready for him before he could put the certificate back in his pocket Now Mr Sherwin I said have the goodness to listen to me My father has certain family prejudices and nervous delicacies which I do not inherit from him and which I mean to take good care to prevent you from working on At the same time I beg you to understand that I have come here without his knowledge I am not my fathers ambassador but my brothers—who is unfit to deal with you himself because he is not half hardhearted or half worldly enough As my brothers envoy therefore and out of consideration for my fathers peculiar feelings I now offer you from my own resources a certain annual sum of money far more than sufficient for all your daughters expenses—a sum payable quarterly on condition that neither you nor she shall molest us that you shall never make use of our name anywhere and that the fact of my brothers marriage hitherto preserved a secret shall for the future be consigned to oblivion We keep our opinion of your daughters guilt—you keep your opinion of her innocence We have silence to buy and you have silence to sell once a quarter and if either of us break our conditions we both have our remedy—yours the easy remedy ours the difficult This arrangement—a very unfair and dangerous for us a very advantageous and safe one for you—I understand that you finally refuse Sir says he solemnly I should be unworthy the name of a father— Thank you—I remarked feeling that he was falling back on paternal sentiment—thank you I quite understand We will get on if you please to the reverse side of the question
The reverse side What reverse side Ralph What could you possibly say more
You shall hear Being on your part thoroughly determined I said to permit no compromise and to make my brother his family of course included acknowledge a woman of whose guilt they entertain not the slightest doubt you think you can gain your object by threatening an exposure Dont threaten any more Make your exposure Go to the magistrate at once if you like Gibbet our names in the newspaper report as a family connected by marriage with Mr Sherwin the linendrapers daughter whom they believe to have disgraced herself as a woman and a wife for ever Do your very worst make public every shameful particular that you can—what advantage will you get by it Revenge I grant you But will revenge put a halfpenny into your pocket Will revenge pay a farthing towards your daughters keep Will revenge make us receive her Not a bit of it We shall be driven into a corner we shall have no exposure to dread after you have exposed us we shall have no remedy left but a desperate remedy and well go to law—boldly openly go to law and get a divorce We have written evidence which you know nothing about and can call testimony which you cannot gag I am no lawyer but Ill bet you five hundred to one quite in a friendly way my dear Sir that we get our case What follows We send you back your daughter without a shred of character left to cover her and we comfortably wash our hands of you altogether
Ralph Ralph how could you—
Stop hear the end of it Of course I knew that we couldnt carry out this divorcethreat without its being the death of my father but I thought a little quiet bullying on my part might do Mr Shopkeeper Sherwin some good And I was right You never saw a man sit sorer on the sharp edges of a dilemma than he did I stuck to my point in spite of everything silence and money or exposure and divorce—just which he pleased I deny every one of your infamous imputations said he Thats not the question said I Ill go to your father said he You wont be let in said I Ill write to him said he He wont receive your letter said I There we came to a pullup He began to stammer and I refreshed myself with a pinch of snuff Finding it wouldnt do he threw off the Roman at last and resumed the Tradesman Even supposing I consented to this abominable compromise what is to become of my daughter he asked Just what becomes of other people who have comfortable annuities to live on I answered Affection for my deeplywronged child half inclines me to consult her wishes before we settle anything—Ill go upstairs said he And Ill wait for you down here said I
Did he object to that
Not he He went upstairs and in a few minutes ran down again with an open letter in his hand looking as if the devil was after him before his time At the last three or four stairs he tripped caught at the bannisters dropped the letter over them in doing so tumbled into the passage in such a fury and fright that he looked like a madman tore his hat off a peg and rushed out I just heard him say his daughter should come back if he put a straight waistcoat on her as he passed the door Between his tumble his passion and his hurry he never thought of coming back for the letter he had dropped over the bannisters I picked it up before I went away suspecting it might be good evidence on our side and I was right Read it yourself Basil you have every moral and legal claim on the precious document—and here it is
I took the letter and read in Mannions handwriting these words dated from the hospital—
I have received your last note and cannot wonder that you are getting impatient under restraint But remember that if you had not acted as I warned you beforehand to act in case of accidents—if you had not protested innocence to your father and preserved total silence towards your mother if you had not kept in close retirement behaving like a domestic martyr and avoiding in your character of a victim all voluntary mention of your husbands name—your position might have been a very awkward one Not being able to help you the only thing I could do was to teach you how to help yourself I gave you the lesson and you have been wise enough to profit by it
The time has now come for a change in my plans I have suffered a relapse and the date of my discharge from this place is still uncertain I doubt the security both on your account and on mine of still leaving you at your fathers house to await my cure Come to me here therefore tomorrow at any hour when you can get away unperceived You will be let in as a visitor and shown to my bedside if you ask for Mr Turner—the name I have given to the hospital authorities Through the help of a friend outside these walls I have arranged for a lodging in which you can live undiscovered until I am discharged and can join you You can come here twice a week if you like and you had better do so to accustom yourself to the sight of my injuries I told you in my first letter how and where they had been inflicted—when you see them with your own eyes you will be best prepared to hear what my future purposes are and how you can aid them
R M
This was evidently the letter about which I had been consulted by the servant at North Villa the date corresponded with the date of Mannions letter to me I noticed that the envelope was missing and asked Ralph whether he had got it
No he replied Sherwin dropped the letter just in the state in which I have given it to you I suspect the girl took away the envelope with her thinking that the letter which she left behind her was inside But the loss of the envelope doesnt matter Look there the fellow has written her name at the bottom of the leaf as coolly as if it was an ordinary correspondence She is identified with the letter and thats all we want in our future dealings with her father
But Ralph do you think—
Do I think her father will get her back If hes in time to catch her at the hospital he assuredly will If not we shall have some little trouble on our side I suspect This seems to me to be how the matter stands now Basil—After that letter and her running away Sherwin will have nothing for it but to hold his tongue about her innocence we may consider him as settled and done with As for the other rascal Mannion he certainly writes as if he meant to do something dangerous If he really does attempt to annoy us we will mark him again Ill do it next time by way of a little change he has no marriage certificate to shake over our heads at any rate Whats the matter now—youre looking pale again
I felt that my colour was changing while he spoke There was something ominous in the contrast which at that moment I could not fail to draw between Mannions enmity as Ralph ignorantly estimated it and as I really knew it Already the first step towards the conspiracy with which I was threatened had been taken by the departure of Sherwins daughter from her fathers house Should I at this earliest warning of coming events show my brother the letter I had received from Mannion No such defence against the dangers threatened in it as Ralph would be sure to counsel and to put in practice might only include him in the lifelong persecution which menaced me When he repeated his remark about my sudden paleness I merely accounted for it by some commonplace excuse and begged him to proceed
I suppose Basil he said the truth is that you cant help being a little shocked—though you could expect nothing better from the girl—at her boldly following this fellow Mannion even to the hospital Ralph was right in spite of myself this feeling was one among the many which now influenced me Setting that aside however we are quite ready I take it to let her stick to her choice and live just as she pleases so long as she doesnt live under our name There is the great fear and great difficulty now If Sherwin cant find her we must otherwise we can never feel certain that she is not incurring all sorts of debts as your wife If her father gets her back I shall be able to bring her to terms at North Villa if not I must get speech of her wherever she happens to be hidden Shes the only thorn in our side now and we must pull her out with gold pincers immediately Dont you see that Basil
I see it Ralph
Very well Either tonight or tomorrow morning Ill communicate with Sherwin and find out whether he has laid hands on her If he hasnt we must go to the hospital and see what we can discover for ourselves Dont look miserable and downhearted Basil Ill go with you you neednt see her again or the man either but you must come with me for I may be obliged to make use of you And now Im off for today in good earnest I must get back to Mrs Ralph unfortunately she happens to be one of the most sensitive women in the world or she will be sending to advertise me in the newspapers We shall pull through this my dear fellow—you will see we shall By the bye you dont know of a nice little detached house in the Brompton neighbourhood do you Most of my old theatrical friends live about there—a detached house mind The fact is I have taken to the violin lately I wonder what I shall take to next Mrs Ralph accompanies me on the pianoforte and we might be an execrable nuisance to very near neighbours—thats all You dont know of a house Never mind I can go to an agent or something of that sort Clara shall know tonight that we are moving prosperously if I can only give the worthiest creature in the world the slip shes a little obstinate but I assure you a really superior woman Only think of my dropping down to playing the fiddle and paying rent and taxes in a suburban villa How are the fast men fallen Good bye Basil good bye
VII
The next morning Ralph never appeared—the day passed on and I heard nothing—at last when it was evening a letter came from him
The letter informed me that my brother had written to Mr Sherwin simply asking whether he had recovered his daughter The answer to this question did not arrive till late in the day and was in the negative—Mr Sherwin had not found his daughter She had left the hospital before he got there and no one could tell him whither she had gone His language and manner as he himself admitted had been so violent that he was not allowed to enter the ward where Mannion lay When he returned home he found his wife at the point of death and on the same evening she expired Ralph described his letter as the letter of a man half out of his senses He only mentioned his daughter to declare in terms almost of fury that he would accuse her before his wifes surviving relatives of having been the cause of her mothers death and called down the most terrible denunciations on his own head if he ever spoke to his child again though he should see her starving before him in the streets In a postscript Ralph informed me that he would call the next morning and concert measures for tracking Sherwins daughter to her present retreat
Every sentence in this letter bore warning of the crisis which was now close at hand yet I had as little of the desire as of the power to prepare for it A superstitious conviction that my actions were governed by a fatality which no human foresight could alter or avoid began to strengthen within me From this time forth I awaited events with the uninquiring patience the helpless resignation of despair
My brother came punctual to his appointment When he proposed that I should at once accompany him to the hospital I never hesitated at doing as he desired We reached our destination and Ralph approached the gates to make his first enquiries
He was still speaking to the porter when a gentleman advanced towards them on his way out of the hospital I saw him recognise my brother and heard Ralph exclaim
Bernard Jack Bernard Have you come to England of all the men in the world
Why not was the answer I got every surgical testimonial the Hotel Dieu could give me six months ago and couldnt afford to stay in Paris only for my pleasure Do you remember calling me a mute inglorious Liston long ago when we last met Well I have come to England to soar out of my obscurity and blaze into a shining light of the profession Plenty of practice at the hospital here—very little anywhere else I am sorry to say
You dont mean that you belong to this hospital
My dear fellow I am regularly on the staff Im here every day of my life
Youre the very man to enlighten us Here Basil cross over and let me introduce you to an old Paris friend of mine Mr Bernard—my brother Youve often heard me talk Basil of a younger son of old Sir William Bernards who preferred a cure of bodies to a cure of souls and actually insisted on working in a hospital when he might have idled in a family living This is the man—the best of doctors and good fellows
Are you bringing your brother to the hospital to follow my mad example asked Mr Bernard as he shook hands with me
Not exactly Jack But we really have an object in coming here Can you give us ten minutes talk somewhere in private We want to know about one of your patients
He led us into an empty room on the groundfloor of the building Leave the matter in my hands whispered Ralph to me as we sat down Ill find out everything
Now Bernard he said you have a man here who calls himself Mr Turner
Are you a friend of that mysterious patient Wonderful The students call him The Great Mystery of London and I begin to think the students are right Do you want to see him When he has not got his green shade on hes rather a startling sight I can tell you for unprofessional eyes
No no—at least not at present my brother here not at all The fact is certain circumstances have happened which oblige us to look after this man and which I am sure you wont inquire into when I tell you that it is our interest to keep them secret
Certainly not
Then without any more words about it our object here today is to find out everything we can about Mr Turner and the people who have been to see him Did a woman come the day before yesterday
Yes and behaved rather oddly I believe I was not here when she came but was told she asked for Turner in a very agitated manner She was directed to the Victoria Ward where he is and when she got there looked excessively flurried and excited—seeing the Ward quite full and perhaps not being used to hospitals However it was though the nurse pointed out the right bed to her she ran in a mighty hurry to the wrong one
I understand said Ralph just as some women run into the wrong omnibus when the right one is straight before them
Exactly Well she only discovered her mistake the room being rather dark after she had stooped down close over the stranger who was lying with his head away from her By that time the nurse was at her side and led her to the right bed There Im told another scene happened At sight of the patients face which is very frightfully disfigured she was on the point as the nurse thought of going into a fit but Turner stopped her in an instant He just laid his hand on her arm and whispered something to her and though she turned as pale as ashes she was quiet directly The next thing they say he did was to give her a slip of paper coolly directing her to go to the address written on it and to come back to the hospital again as soon as she could show a little more resolution She went away at once—nobody knows where
Has nobody asked where
Yes a fellow who said he was her father and who behaved like a madman He came here about an hour after she had left and wouldnt believe that we knew nothing about her how the deuce should we know anything He threatened Turner whom by the bye he called Manning or some such name in such an outrageous manner that we were obliged to refuse him admission Turner himself will give no information on the subject but I suspect that his injuries are the result of a quarrel with the father about the daughter—a pretty savage quarrel I must say looking to the consequences—I beg your pardon but your brother seems ill Im afraid turning to me you find the room rather close
No indeed not at all I have just recovered from a serious illness—but pray go on
I have very little more to say The father went away in a fury just as he came the daughter has not yet made her appearance a second time But after what was reported to me of the first interview I daresay she will come She must if she wants to see Turner he wont be out I suspect for another fortnight He has been making himself worse by perpetually writing letters we were rather afraid of erysipelas but hell get over that danger I think
About the woman said Ralph it is of the greatest importance that we should know where she is now living Is there any possibility we will pay well for it of getting some sharp fellow to follow her home from this place the next time she comes here
Mr Bernard hesitated a moment and considered
I think I can manage it for you with the porter after you are gone he said provided you leave me free to give any remuneration I may think necessary
Anything in the world my dear fellow Have you got pen and ink Ill write down my brothers address you can communicate results to him as soon as they occur
While Mr Bernard went to the opposite end of the room in search of writing materials Ralph whispered to me—
If he wrote to my address Mrs Ralph might see the letter She is the most amiable of her sex but if written information of a womans residence directed to me fell into her hands—you understand Basil Besides it will be easy to let me know the moment you hear from Jack Look up young one Its all right—we are sailing with wind and tide
Here Mr Bernard brought us pen and ink While Ralph was writing my address his friend said to me
I hope you will not suspect me of wishing to intrude on your secrets if assuming your interest in Turner to be the reverse of a friendly interest I warn you to look sharply after him when he leaves the hospital Either there has been madness in his family or his brain has suffered from his external injuries Legally he may be quite fit to be at large for he will be able to maintain the appearance of perfect selfpossession in all the ordinary affairs of life But morally I am convinced that he is a dangerous monomaniac his mania being connected with some fixed idea which evidently never leaves him day or night I would lay a heavy wager that he dies in a prison or a madhouse
And Ill lay another wager if hes mad enough to annoy us that we are the people to shut him up said Ralph There is the address And now we neednt waste your time any longer I have taken a little place at Brompton Jack—you and Basil must come and dine with me as soon as the carpets are down
We left the room As we crossed the hall a gentleman came forward and spoke to Mr Bernard
That mans fever in the Victoria Ward has declared itself at last he said This morning the new symptoms have appeared
And what do they indicate
Typhus of the most malignant character—not a doubt of it Come up and look at him
I saw Mr Bernard start and glance quickly at my brother Ralph fixed his eyes searchingly on his friends face exclaimed Victoria Ward why you mentioned that— and then stopped with a very strange and sudden alteration in his expression The next moment he drew Mr Bernard aside saying I want to ask you whether the bed in Victoria Ward occupied by this man whose fever has turned to typhus is the same bed or near the bed which— The rest of the sentence was lost to me as they walked away
After talking together in whispers for a few moments they rejoined me Mr Bernard was explaining the different theories of infection to Ralph
My notion he said is that infection is taken through the lungs one breath inhaled from the infected atmosphere hanging immediately around the diseased person and generally extending about a foot from him being enough to communicate his malady to the breather—provided there exists at the time in the individual exposed to catch the malady a constitutional predisposition to infection This predisposition we know to be greatly increased by mental agitation or bodily weakness but in the case we have been talking of he looked at me the chances of infection or noninfection may be equally balanced At any rate I can predict nothing about them at this stage of the discovery
You will write the moment you hear anything said Ralph shaking hands with him
The very moment I have your brothers address safe in my pocket
We separated Ralph was unusually silent and serious on our way back He took leave of me at the door of my lodging very abruptly without referring again to our visit to the hospital
A week passed away and I heard nothing from Mr Bernard During this interval I saw little of my brother he was occupied in moving into his new house Towards the latter part of the week he came to inform me that he was about to leave London for a few days My father had asked him to go to the family house in the country on business connected with the local management of the estates Ralph still retained all his old dislike of the stewards accounts and the lawyers consultations but he felt bound out of gratitude for my fathers special kindness to him since his return to England to put a constraint on his own inclinations and go to the country as he was desired He did not expect to be absent more than two or three days but earnestly charged me to write to him if I had any news from the hospital while he was away
During the week Clara came twice to see me—escaping from home by stealth as before On each occasion she showed the same affectionate anxiety to set me an example of cheerfulness and to sustain me in hope I saw with a sorrow and apprehension which I could not altogether conceal from her that the weary look in her face had never changed never diminished since I had first observed it Ralph had from motives of delicacy avoided increasing the hidden anxieties which were but too evidently preying upon her health by keeping her in perfect ignorance of our visit to the hospital and indeed of the particulars of all our proceedings since his return I took care to preserve the same secrecy during her short interviews with me She bade me farewell after her third visit with a sadness which she vainly endeavoured to hide I little thought then that the tones of her sweet clear voice had fallen on my ear for the last time before I wandered to the far West of England where I now write
At the end of the week—it was on a Saturday I remember—I left my lodgings early in the morning to go into the country with no intention of returning before evening I had felt a sense of oppression on rising which was almost unendurable The perspiration stood thick on my forehead though the day was not unusually hot the air of London grew harder and harder to breathe with every minute my heart felt tightened to bursting my temples throbbed with feverfury my very life seemed to depend on escaping into pure air into some place where there was shade from trees and water that ran cool and refreshing to look on So I set forth careless in what direction I went and remained in the country all day Evening was changing into night as I got back to London
I inquired of the servant at my lodging when she let me in whether any letter had arrived for me She answered that one had come just after I had gone out in the morning and that it was lying on my table My first glance at it showed me Mr Bernards name written in the corner of the envelope I eagerly opened the letter and read these words
Private
Friday
My DEAR SIR
On the enclosed slip of paper you will find the address of the young woman of whom your brother spoke to me when we met at the hospital I regret to say that the circumstances under which I have obtained information of her residence are of the most melancholy nature
The plan which I arranged for discovering her abode in accordance with your brothers suggestion proved useless The young woman never came to the hospital a second time Her address was given to me this morning by Turner himself who begged that I would visit her professionally as he had no confidence in the medical man who was then in attendance on her Many circumstances combined to make my compliance with his request anything but easy or desirable but knowing that you—or your brother I ought perhaps rather to say—were interested in the young woman I determined to take the very earliest opportunity of seeing her and consulting with her medical attendant I could not get to her till late in the afternoon When I arrived I found her suffering from one of the worst attacks of Typhus I ever remember to have seen and I think it my duty to state candidly that I believe her life to be in imminent danger At the same time it is right to inform you that the gentleman in attendance on her does not share my opinion he still thinks there is a good chance of saving her
There can be no doubt whatever that she was infected with Typhus at the hospital You may remember my telling you how her agitation appeared to have deprived her of selfpossession when she entered the ward and how she ran to the wrong bed before the nurse could stop her The man whom she thus mistook for Turner was suffering from fever which had not then specifically declared itself but which did so declare itself as a Typhus fever on the morning when you and your brother came to the hospital This mans disorder must have been infectious when the young woman stooped down close over him under the impression that he was the person she had come to see Although she started back at once on discovering her mistake she had breathed the infection into her system—her mental agitation at the time accompanied as I have since understood by some physical weakness rendering her specially liable to the danger to which she had accidentally exposed herself
Since the first symptoms of her disease appeared on Saturday last I cannot find that any error has been committed in the medical treatment as reported to me I remained some time by her bedside today observing her The delirium which is more or less an invariable result of Typhus is particularly marked in her case and manifests itself both by speech and gesture It has been found impossible to quiet her by any means hitherto tried While I was watching by her she never ceased calling on your name and entreating to see you I am informed by her medical attendant that her wanderings have almost invariably taken this direction for the last fourandtwenty hours Occasionally she mixes other names with yours and mentions them in terms of abhorrence but her persistency in calling for your presence is so remarkable that I am tempted merely from what I have heard myself to suggest that you really should go to her on the bare chance that you might exercise some tranquillising influence At the same time if you fear infection or for any private reasons into which I have neither the right nor the wish to inquire feel unwilling to take the course I have pointed out do not by any means consider it your duty to accede to my proposal I can conscientiously assure you that duty is not involved in it
I have however another suggestion to make which is of a positive nature and which I am sure will meet with your approval It is that her parents or some of her other relations if her parents are not alive should be informed of her situation Possibly you may know something of her connections and can therefore do this good office She is dying in a strange place among people who avoid her as they would avoid a pestilence Even though it be only to bury her some relation ought to be immediately summoned to her bedside
I shall visit her twice tomorrow in the morning and at night If you are not willing to risk seeing her and I repeat that it is in no sense imperative that you should combat such unwillingness perhaps you will communicate with me at my private address
I remain dear Sir
Faithfully yours
JOHN BERNARD
P S—I open my letter again to inform you that Turner acting against all advice has left the hospital today He attempted to go on Tuesday last when I believe he first received information of the young womans serious illness but was seized with a violent attack of giddiness on attempting to walk and fell down just outside the door of the ward On this second occasion however he has succeeded in getting away without any accident—as far at least as the persons employed about the hospital can tell
When the letter fell from my trembling hand when I first asked of my own heart the fearful question—Have I to whom the mere thought of ever seeing this woman again has been as a pollution to shrink from the strength to stand by her deathbed the courage to see her die—then and not till then did I really know how suffering had fortified while it had humbled me how affliction has the power to purify as well as to pain
All bitter memory of the ill that she had done me of the misery I had suffered at her hands lost its hold on my mind Once more her mothers last words of earthly lament—Oh who will pray for her when I am gone seemed to be murmuring in my ear—murmuring in harmony with the divine words in which the Voice from the Mount of Olives taught forgiveness of injuries to all mankind
She was dying dying among strangers in the pining madness of fever—and the one being of all who knew her whose presence at her bedside might yet bring calmness to her last moments and give her quietly and tenderly to death was the man whom she had pitilessly deceived and dishonoured whose youth she had ruined whose hopes she had wrecked for ever Strangely had destiny brought us together—terribly had it separated us—awfully would it now unite us again at the end
What were my wrongs heavy as they had been what my sufferings poignant as they still were that they should stand between this dying woman and the last hope of awakening her to the consciousness that she was going before the throne of God The sole resource for her which human skill and human pity could now suggest embraced the sole chance that she might still be recovered for repentance before she was resigned to death How did I know but that in those ceaseless cries which had uttered my name there spoke the last earthly anguish of the tortured spirit calling upon me for one drop of water to cool its burning guilt—one drop from the waters of Peace
I took up Mr Bernards letter from the floor on which it had fallen and redirected it to my brother simply writing on a blank place in the inside I have gone to soothe her last moments Before I departed I wrote to her father and summoned him to her bedside The guilt of his absence—if his heartless and hardened nature did not change towards her—would now rest with him and not with me I forbore from thinking how he would answer my letter for I remembered his written words to my brother declaring that he would accuse his daughter of having caused her mothers death and I suspected him even then of wishing to shift the shame of his conduct towards his unhappy wife from himself to his child
After writing this second letter I set forth instantly for the house to which Mr Bernard had directed me No thought of myself no thought even of the peril suggested by the ominous disclosure about Mannion in the postscript to the surgeons letter ever crossed my mind In the great stillness in the heavenly serenity that had come to my spirit the wasting fire of every sensation which was only of this world seemed quenched for ever
It was eleven oclock when I arrived at the house A slatternly sulky woman opened the door to me Oh I suppose youre another doctor she muttered staring at me with scowling eyes I wish you were the undertaker to get her out of my house before we all catch our deaths of her There theres the other doctor coming down stairs hell show you the room—I wont go near it
As I took the candle from her hand I saw that Mr Bernard was approaching me from the stairs
You can do no good I am afraid he said but I am glad you have come
There is no hope then
In my opinion none Turner came here this morning whether she recognised him or not in her delirium I cannot say but she grew so much worse in his presence that I insisted on his not seeing her again except under medical permission Just now there is no one in the room—are you willing to go up stairs at once
Does she still speak of me in her wanderings
Yes as incessantly as ever
Then I am ready to go to her bedside
Pray believe that I feel deeply what a sacrifice you are making Since I wrote to you much that she has said in her delirium has told me—he hesitated—has told me more I am afraid than you would wish me to have known as a comparative stranger to you I will only say that secrets unconsciously disclosed on the deathbed are secrets sacred to me as they are to all who pursue my calling and that what I have unavoidably heard above stairs is doubly sacred in my estimation as affecting a near and dear relative of one of my oldest friends He paused and took my hand very kindly then added I am sure you will think yourself rewarded for any trial to your feelings tonight if you can only remember in years to come that your presence quieted her in her last moments
I felt his sympathy and delicacy too strongly to thank him in words I could only look my gratitude as he asked me to follow him up stairs
We entered the room softly Once more and for the last time in this world I stood in the presence of Margaret Sherwin
Not even to see her as I had last seen her was such a sight of misery as to behold her now forsaken on her deathbed to look at her as she lay with her head turned from me fretfully covering and uncovering her face with the loose tresses of her long black hair and muttering my name incessantly in her feverdream Basil Basil Basil Ill never leave off calling for him till he comes Basil Basil Where is he Oh where where where
He is here said the doctor taking the candle from my hand and holding it so that the light fell full on my face Look at her and speak to her as usual when she turns round he whispered to me
Still she never moved still those hoarse fierce quick tones—that voice once the music that my heart beat to now the discord that it writhed under—muttered faster and faster Basil Basil Bring him here bring me Basil
He is here repeated Mr Bernard loudly Look look up at him
She turned in an instant and tore the hair back from her face For a moment I forced myself to look at her for a moment I confronted the smouldering fever in her cheeks the glare of the bloodshot eyes the distortion of the parched lips the hideous clutching of the outstretched fingers at the empty air—but the agony of that sight was more than I could endure I turned away my head and hid my face in horror
Compose yourself whispered the doctor Now she is quiet speak to her speak to her before she begins again call her by her name
Her name Could my lips utter it at such a moment as this
Quick quick cried Mr Bernard Try her while you have the chance
I struggled against the memories of the past and spoke to her—God knows as gently if not as happily as in the bygone time
Margaret I said Margaret you asked for me and I have come
She tossed her arms above her head with a shrill scream frightfully prolonged till it ended in low moanings and murmurings then turned her face from us again and pulled her hair over it once more
I am afraid she is too far gone said the doctor but make another trial
Margaret I said again have you forgotten me Margaret
She looked at me once more This time her dry dull eyes seemed to soften and her fingers twined themselves less passionately in her hair She began to laugh—a low vacant terrible laugh
Yes yes she said I know hes come at last I can make him do anything Get me my bonnet and shawl any shawl will do but a mourning shawl is best because we are going to the funeral of our wedding Come Basil lets go back to the church and get unmarried again thats what I wanted you for We dont care about each other Robert Mannion wants me more than you do—hes not ashamed of me because my fathers a tradesman he wont make believe that hes in love with me and then marry me to spite the pride of his family Come Ill tell the clergyman to read the service backwards that makes a marriage no marriage at all everybody knows
As the last wild words escaped her some one below stairs called to Mr Bernard He went out for a minute then returned again telling me that he was summoned to a case of sudden illness which he must attend without a moments delay
The medical man whom I found here when I first came he said was sent for this evening into the country to be consulted about an operation I believe But if anything happens I shall be at your service There is the address of the house to which I am now going he wrote it down on a card you can send if you want me I will get back however as soon as possible and see her again she seems to be a little quieter already and may become quieter still if you stay longer The nightnurse is below—I will send her up as I go downstairs Keep the room well ventilated the windows open as they are now Dont breathe too close to her and you need fear no infection Look her eyes are still fixed on you This is the first time I have seen her look in the same direction for two minutes together one would think she really recognised you Wait till I come back if you possibly can—I wont be a moment longer than I can help
He hastily left the room I turned to the bed and saw that she was still looking at me She had never ceased murmuring to herself while Mr Bernard was speaking and she did not stop when the nurse came in
The first sight of this woman on her entrance sickened and shocked me All that was naturally repulsive in her was made doubly revolting by the characteristics of the habitual drunkard lowering and glaring at me in her purple bloated face To see her heavy hands shaking at the pillow as they tried mechanically to arrange it to see her stand alternately leering and scowling by the bedside an incarnate blasphemy in the sacred chamber of death was to behold the most horrible of all mockeries the most impious of all profanations No loneliness in the presence of mortal agony could try me to the quick as the sight of that foul old age of degradation and debauchery defiling the sick room now tried me I determined to wait alone by the bedside till Mr Bernard returned
With some difficulty I made the wretched drunkard understand that she might go downstairs again and that I would call her if she was wanted At last she comprehended my meaning and slowly quitted the room The door closed on her and I was left alone to watch the last moments of the woman who had ruined me
As I sat down near the open window the sounds outside in the street told of the waning of the night There was an echo of many footsteps a hoarse murmur of conflicting voices now near now afar off The public houses were dispersing their drunken crowds—the crowds of a Saturday night it was twelve oclock
Through those streetsounds of fierce ribaldry and ghastly mirth the voice of the dying woman penetrated speaking more slowly more distinctly more terribly than it had spoken yet
I see him she said staring vacantly at me and moving her hands slowly to and fro in the air I see him But hes a long way off he cant hear our secrets and he does not suspect you as mother does Dont tell me that about him any more my flesh creeps at it What are you looking at me in that way for You make me feel on fire You know I like you because I must like you because I cant help it Its no use saying hush I tell you he cant hear us and cant see us He can see nothing you make a fool of him and I make a fool of him But mind I will ride in my own carriage you must keep things secret enough to let me do that I say I will ride in my carriage and Ill go where father walks to business I dont care if I splash him with my carriage wheels Ill be even with him for some of the passions hes been in with me You see how Ill go into our shop and order dresses be quiet I say he cant hear us Ill have velvet where his sister has silk and silk where she has muslin Im a finer girl than she is and Ill be better dressed Tell him anything indeed What have I ever let out Its not so easy always to make believe Im in love with him after what you have told me Suppose he found us out—Rash Im no more rash than you are Why didnt you come back from France in time and stop it all Why did you let me marry him A nice wife Ive been to him and a nice husband he has been to me—a husband who waits a year Ha ha he calls himself a man doesnt he A husband who waits a year
I approached nearer to the bedside and spoke to her again in the hope to win her tenderly towards dreaming of better things I know not whether she heard me but her wild thoughts changed—changed darkly to later events
Beds beds she cried beds everywhere with dying men on them And one bed the most terrible of all—look at it The deformed face with the white of the pillow all round it His face his face that hadnt a fault in it Never Its the face of a devil the fingernails of the devil are on it Take me away drag me out I cant move for that face its always before me its walling me up among the beds its burning me all over Water water drown me in the sea drown me deep away from the burning face
Hush Margaret hush drink this and you will be cool again I gave her some lemonade which stood by the bedside
Yes yes hush as you say Wheres Robert Robert Mannion Not here then Ive got a secret for you When you go home tonight Basil and say your prayers pray for a storm of thunder and lightning and pray that I may be struck dead in it and Robert too Its a fortnight to my aunts party and in a fortnight youll wish us both dead so you had better pray for what I tell you in time We shall make handsome corpses Put roses into my coffin—scarlet roses if you can find any because that stands for Scarlet Woman—in the Bible you know Scarlet What do I care Its the boldest colour in the world Robert will tell you and all your family how many women are as scarlet as I am—virtue wears it at home in secret and vice wears it abroad in public thats the only difference he says Scarlet roses scarlet roses throw them into the coffin by hundreds smother me up in them bury me down deep in the dark quiet street—where theres a broad doorstep in front of a house and a white wild face something like Basils thats always staring on the doorstep awfully Oh why did I meet him why did I marry him oh why why
She uttered the last words in slow measured cadence—the horrible mockery of a chaunt which she used to play to us at North Villa on Sunday evenings Then her voice sank again her articulation thickened and grew indistinct It was like the change from darkness to daylight in the sight of sleepless eyes to hear her only murmuring now after hearing her last terrible words
The weary nighttime passed on Longer and longer grew the intervals of silence between the scattered noises from the streets less and less frequent were the sounds of distant carriagewheels and the echoing rapid footsteps of late pleasureseekers hurrying home At last the heavy tramp of the policeman going his rounds alone disturbed the silence of the early morning hours Still the voice from the bed muttered incessantly but now in drowsy languid tones still Mr Bernard did not return still the father of the dying girl never came never obeyed the letter which summoned him for the last time to her side
There was yet one more among the absent—one from whose approach the deathbed must be kept sacred one whose evil presence was to be dreaded as a pestilence and a scourge Mannion—where was Mannion
I sat by the window resigned to wait in loneliness till the end came watching mechanically the vacant eyes that ever watched me—when suddenly the face of Margaret seemed to fade out of my sight I started and looked round The candle which I had placed at the opposite end of the room had burnt down without my noticing it and was now expiring in the socket I ran to light the fresh candle which lay on the table by its side but was too late The wick flickered its last the room was left in darkness
While I felt among the different objects under my hands for a box of matches Margarets voice strengthened again
Innocent innocent I heard her cry mournfully through the darkness Ill swear Im innocent and father is sure to swear it too Innocent Margaret Oh me what innocence
She repeated these words over and over again till the hearing them seemed to bewilder all my senses I hardly knew what I touched Suddenly my searching hands stopped of themselves I could not tell why Was there some change in the room Was there more air in it as if a door had been opened Was there something moving over the floor Had Margaret left her bed—No the mournful voice was speaking unintermittingly and speaking from the same distance
I moved to search for the matches on a chest of drawers which stood near the window Though the morning was at its darkest and the house stood midway between two gaslamps there was a glimmering of light in this place I looked back into the room from the window and thought I saw something shadowy moving near the bed Take him away I heard Margaret scream in her wildest tones His hands are on me hes feeling my face to feel if Im dead
I ran to her striking against some piece of furniture in the darkness Something passed swiftly between me and the bed as I got near it I thought I heard a door close Then there was silence for a moment and then as I stretched out my hands my right hand encountered the little table placed by Margarets side and the next moment I felt the matchbox that had been left on it
As I struck a light her voice repeated close at my ear
His hands are on me hes feeling my face to feel if Im dead
The match flared up As I carried it to the candle I looked round and noticed for the first time that there was a second door at the further corner of the room which lighted some inner apartment through glass panes at the top When I tried this door it was locked on the inside and the room beyond was dark
Dark and silent But was no one there hidden in that darkness and silence Was there any doubt now that stealthy feet had approached Margaret that stealthy hands had touched her while the room was in obscurity—Doubt There was none on that point none on any other Suspicion shaped itself into conviction in an instant and identified the stranger who had passed in the darkness between me and the bedside with the man whose presence I had dreaded as the presence of an evil spirit in the chamber of death
He was waiting secretly in the house—waiting for her last moments listening for her last words watching his opportunity perhaps to enter the room again and openly profane it by his presence I placed myself by the door resolved if he approached to thrust him back at any hazard from the bedside How long I remained absorbed in watching before the darkness of the inner room I know not—but some time must have elapsed before the silence around me forced itself suddenly on my attention I turned towards Margaret and in an instant all previous thoughts were suspended in my mind by the sight that now met my eyes
She had altered completely Her hands so restless hitherto lay quite still over the coverlid her lips never moved the whole expression of her face had changed—the fevertraces remained on every feature and yet the feverlook was gone Her eyes were almost closed her quick breathing had grown calm and slow I touched her pulse it was beating with a wayward fluttering gentleness What did this striking alteration indicate Recovery Was it possible As the idea crossed my mind every one of my faculties became absorbed in the sole occupation of watching her face I could not have stirred an instant from the bed for worlds
The earliest dawn of day was glimmering faintly at the window before another change appeared—before she drew a long sighing breath and slowly opened her eyes on mine Their first look was very strange and startling to behold for it was the look that was natural to her the calm look of consciousness restored to what it had always been in the past time It lasted only for a moment She recognised me and instantly an expression of anguish and shame flew over the first terror and surprise of her face She struggled vainly to lift her hands—so busy all through the night so idle now A faint moan of supplication breathed from her lips and she slowly turned her head on the pillow so as to hide her face from my sight
Oh my God my God she murmured in low wailing tones Ive broken his heart and he still comes here to be kind to me This is worse than death Im too bad to be forgiven—leave me leave me—oh Basil leave me to die
I spoke to her but desisted almost immediately—desisted even from uttering her name At the mere sound of my voice her suffering rose to agony the wild despair of the soul wrestling awfully with the writhing weakness of the body uttered itself in words and cries horrible beyond all imagination to hear I sank down on my knees by the bedside the strength which had sustained me for hours gave way in an instant and I burst into a passion of tears as my spirit poured from my lips in supplication for hers—tears that did not humiliate me for I knew while I shed them that I had forgiven her
The dawn brightened Gradually as the fair light of the new day flowed in lovely upon her bed as the fresh morning breeze lifted tenderly and playfully the scattered locks of her hair that lay over the pillow—so the calmness began to come back to her voice and the stillness of repose to her limbs But she never turned her face to me again never when the wild words of her despair grew fewer and fainter never when the last faint supplication to me to leave her to die forsaken as she deserved ended mournfully in a long moaning gasp for breath I waited after this—waited a long time—then spoke to her softly—then waited once more hearing her still breathe but slowly and more slowly with every minute—then spoke to her for the second time louder than before She never answered and never moved Was she sleeping I could not tell Some influence seemed to hold me back from going to the other side of the bed to look at her face as it lay away from me almost hidden in the pillow
The light strengthened faster and grew mellow with the clear beauty of the morning sunshine I heard the sound of rapid footsteps advancing along the street they stopped under the window and a voice which I recognized called me by my name I looked out Mr Bernard had returned at last
I could not get back sooner he said the case was desperate and I was afraid to leave it You will find a key on the chimneypiece—throw it out to me and I can let myself in I told them not to bolt the door before I went out
I obeyed his directions When he entered the room I thought Margaret moved a little and signed to him with my hand to make no noise He looked towards the bed without any appearance of surprise and asked me in a whisper when the change had come over her and how I told him very briefly and inquired whether he had known of such changes in other cases like hers
Many he answered many changes just as extraordinary which have raised hopes that I never knew realised Expect the worst from the change you have witnessed it is a fatal sign
Still in spite of what he said it seemed as if he feared to wake her for he spoke in his lowest tones and walked very softly when he went close to the bedside
He stopped suddenly just as he was about to feel her pulse and looked in the direction of the glass door—listened attentively—and said as if to himself—I thought I heard some one moving in that room but I suppose I am mistaken nobody can be up in the house yet With those words he looked down at Margaret and gently parted back her hair from her forehead
Dont disturb her I whispered she is asleep surely she is asleep
He paused before he answered me and placed his hand on her heart Then softly drew up the bedlinen till it hid her face
Yes she is asleep he said gravely asleep never to wake again She is dead
I turned aside my head in silence for my thoughts at that moment were not the thoughts which can be spoken by man to man
This has been a sad scene for any one at your age he resumed kindly as he left the bedside but you have borne it well I am glad to see that you can behave so calmly under so hard a trial
Calmly
Yes at that moment it was fit that I should be calm for I could remember that I had forgiven her
VIII
On the fourth day from the morning when she had died I stood alone in the churchyard by the grave of Margaret Sherwin
It had been left for me to watch her dying moments it was left for me to bestow on her remains the last human charity which the living can extend to the dead If I could have looked into the future on our fatal marriageday and could have known that the only home of my giving which she would ever inhabit would be the home of the grave—
Her father had written me a letter which I destroyed at the time and which if I had it now I should forbear from copying into these pages Let it be enough for me to relate here that he never forgave the action by which she thwarted him in his mercenary designs upon me and upon my family that he diverted from himself the suspicion and disgust of his wifes surviving relatives whose hostility he had some pecuniary reasons to fear by accusing his daughter as he had declared he would accuse her of having been the real cause of her mothers death and that he took care to give the appearance of sincerity to the indignation which he professed to feel against her by refusing to follow her remains to the place of burial
Ralph had returned to London as soon as he received the letter from Mr Bernard which I had forwarded to him He offered me his assistance in performing the last duties left to my care with an affectionate earnestness that I had never seen him display towards me before But Mr Bernard had generously undertaken to relieve me of every responsibility which could be assumed by others and on this occasion therefore I had no need to put my brothers ready kindness in helping me to the test
I stood alone by the grave Mr Bernard had taken leave of me the workers and the idlers in the churchyard had alike departed There was no reason why I should not follow them and yet I remained with my eyes fixed upon the freshlyturned earth at my feet thinking of the dead
Some time had passed thus when the sound of approaching footsteps attracted my attention I looked up and saw a man clothed in a long cloak drawn loosely around his neck and wearing a shade over his eyes which hid the whole upper part of his face advancing slowly towards me walking with the help of a stick He came on straight to the grave and stopped at the foot of it—stopped opposite me as I stood at the head
Do you know me again he said Do you know me for Robert Mannion As he pronounced his name he raised the shade and looked at me
The first sight of that appalling face with its ghastly discolouration of sickness its hideous deformity of feature its fierce and changeless malignity of expression glaring full on me in the piercing noonday sunshine—glaring with the same unearthly look of fury and triumph which I had seen flashing through the flashing lightning when I parted from him on the night of the storm—struck me speechless where I stood and has never left me since I must not I dare not describe that frightful sight though it now rises before my imagination vivid in its horror as on the first day when I saw it—though it moves hither and thither before me fearfully while I write though it lowers at my window a noisome shadow on the radiant prospect of earth and sea and sky whenever I look up from the page I am now writing towards the beauties of my cottage view
Do you know me for Robert Mannion he repeated Do you know the work of your own hands now you see it Or am I changed to you past recognition as your father might have found my father changed if he had seen him on the morning of his execution standing under the gallows with the cap over his face
Still I could neither speak nor move I could only look away from him in horror and fix my eyes on the ground
He lowered the shade to its former position on his face then spoke again
Under this earth that we stand on he said setting his foot on the grave down here where you are now looking lies buried with the buried dead the last influence which might one day have gained you respite and mercy at my hands Did you think of the one last chance that you were losing when you came to see her die I watched you and I watched her I heard as much as you heard I saw as much as you saw I know when she died and how as you know it I shared her last moments with you to the very end It was my fancy not to give her up as your sole possession even on her deathbed it is my fancy now not to let you stand alone—as if her corpse was your property—over her grave
While he uttered the last words I felt my selfpossession returning I could not force myself to speak as I would fain have spoken—I could only move away to leave him
Stop he said what I have still to say concerns you I have to tell you face to face standing with you here over her dead body that what I wrote from the hospital is what I will do that I will make your whole life to come one long expiation of this deformity he pointed to his face and of that death he set his foot once more on the grave Go where you will this face of mine shall never be turned away from you this tongue which you can never silence but by a crime shall awaken against you the sleeping superstitions and cruelties of all mankind The noisome secret of that night when you followed us shall reek up like a pestilence in the nostrils of your fellowbeings be they whom they may You may shield yourself behind your family and your friends—I will strike at you through the dearest and the bravest of them Now you have heard me go The next time we meet you shall acknowledge with your own lips that I can act as I speak Live the free life which Margaret Sherwin has restored to you by her death—you will know it soon for the life of Cain
He turned from the grave and left me by the way that he had come but the hideous image of him and the remembrance of the words he had spoken never left me Never for a moment while I lingered alone in the churchyard never when I quitted it and walked through the crowded streets The horror of the fiendface was still before my eyes the poison of the fiendwords was still in my ears when I returned to my lodging and found Ralph waiting to see me as soon as I entered my room
At last you have come back he said I was determined to stop till you did if I stayed all day Is anything the matter Have you got into some worse difficulty than ever
No Ralph—no What have you to tell me
Something that will rather surprise you Basil I have to tell you to leave London at once Leave it for your own interests and for everybody elses My father has found out that Clara has been to see you
Good heavens how
He wont tell me But he has found it out You know how you stand in his opinion—I leave you to imagine what he thinks of Claras conduct in coming here
No no tell me yourself Ralph—tell me how she bears his displeasure
As badly as possible After having forbidden her ever to enter this house again he now only shows how he is offended by his silence and it is exactly that of course which distresses her Between her notions of implicit obedience to him and her opposite notions just as strong of her sisterly duties to you she is made miserable from morning to night What she will end in if things go on like this I am really afraid to think and Im not easily frightened as you know Now Basil listen to me it is your business to stop this and my business to tell you how
I will do anything you wish—anything for Claras sake
Then leave London and so cut short the struggle between her duty and her inclination If you dont my father is quite capable of taking her at once into the country though I know he has important business to keep him in London Write a letter to her saying that you have gone away for your health for change of scene and peace of mind—gone away in short to come back better some day Dont say where youre going and dont tell me for she is sure to ask and sure to get it out of me if I know Then she might be writing to you and that might be found out too She cant distress herself about your absence if you account for it properly as she distresses herself now—that is one consideration And you will serve your own interests as well as Claras by going away—that is another
Never mind my interests Clara I can only think of Clara
But you have interests and you must think of them I told my father of the death of that unhappy woman and of your noble behaviour when she was dying Dont interrupt me Basil—it was noble I couldnt have done what you did I can tell you I saw he was more struck by it than he was willing to confess An impression has been made on him by the turn circumstances have taken Only leave that impression to strengthen and youre safe But if you destroy it by staying here after what has happened and keeping Clara in this new dilemma—my dear fellow you destroy your best chance There is a sort of defiance of him in stopping there is a downright concession to him in going away
I will go Ralph you have more than convinced me that I ought I will go tomorrow though where—
You have the rest of the day to think where I should go abroad and amuse myself but your ideas of amusement are most likely not mine At any rate wherever you go I can always supply you with money when you want it you can write to me after you have been away some little time and I can write back as soon as I have good news to tell you Only stick to your present determination Basil and Ill answer for it you will be back in your own study at home before you are many months older
I will put it out of my power to fail in my resolution by writing to Clara at once and giving you the letter to place in her hands tomorrow evening when I shall have left London some hours
Thats right Basil thats acting and speaking like a man
I wrote immediately accounting for my sudden absence as Ralph had advised me—wrote with a heavy heart all that I thought would be most reassuring and cheering to Clara and then without allowing myself time to hesitate or to think gave the letter to my brother
She shall have it tomorrow night he said and my father shall know why you have left town at the same time Depend on me in this as in everything else And now Basil I must say good bye—unless youre in the humour for coming to look at my new house this evening Ah I see that wont suit you just now so good bye old fellow Write when you are in any necessity—get back your spirits and your health—and never doubt that the step you are now taking will be the best for Clara and the best for yourself
He hurried out of the room evidently feeling more at saying farewell than he was willing to let me discover I was left alone for the rest of the day to think whither I should turn my steps on the morrow
I knew that it would be best that I should leave England but there seemed to have grown within me suddenly a yearning towards my own country that I had never felt before—a homesickness for the land in which my sister lived Not once did my thoughts wander away to foreign places while I now tried to consider calmly in what direction I should depart when I left London
While I was still in doubt my earliest impressions of childhood came back to my memory and influenced by them I thought of Cornwall My nurse had been a Cornish woman my first fancies and first feelings of curiosity had been excited by her Cornish stories by the descriptions of the scenery the customs and the people of her native land with which she was ever ready to amuse me As I grew older it had always been one of my favourite projects to go to Cornwall to explore the wild western land on foot from hill to hill throughout And now when no motive of pleasure could influence my choice—now when I was going forth homeless and alone in uncertainty in grief in peril—the old fancy of longpast days still kept its influence and pointed out my new path to me among the rocky boundaries of the Cornish shore
My last night in London was a night made terrible by Mannions fearful image in all my dreams—made mournful in my waking moments by thoughts of the morrow which was to separate me from Clara But I never faltered in my resolution to leave London for her sake When the morning came I collected my few necessaries added to them one or two books and was ready to depart
My way through the streets took me near my fathers house As I passed by the wellremembered neighbourhood my selfcontrol so far deserted me that I stopped and turned aside into the Square in the hope of seeing Clara once more before I went away Cautiously and doubtfully as if I was a trespasser even on the public pavement I looked up at the house which was no more my home—at the windows side by side of my sisters sittingroom and bedroom She was neither standing near them nor passing accidentally from one room to another at that moment Still I could not persuade myself to go on I thought of many and many an act of kindness that she had done for me which I seemed never to have appreciated until now—I thought of what she had suffered and might yet suffer for my sake—and the longing to see her once more though only for an instant still kept me lingering near the house and looking up vainly at the lonely windows
It was a bright cool autumnal morning perhaps she might have gone out into the garden of the square it used often to be her habit when I was at home to go there and read at this hour I walked round outside the railings searching for her between gaps in the foliage and had nearly made the circuit of the garden thus before the figure of a lady sitting alone under one of the trees attracted my attention I stopped—looked intently towards her—and saw that it was Clara
Her face was almost entirely turned from me but I knew her by her dress by her figure—even by her position simple as it was She was sitting with her hands on a closed book which rested on her knee A little spaniel that I had given her lay asleep at her feet she seemed to be looking down at the animal as far as I could tell by the position of her head When I moved aside to try if I could see her face the trees hid her from sight I was obliged to be satisfied with the little I could discern of her through the one gap in the foliage which gave me a clear view of the place where she was sitting To speak to her to risk the misery to both of us of saying farewell was more than I dared trust myself to do I could only stand silent and look at her—it might be for the last time—until the tears gathered in my eyes so that I could see nothing more I resisted the temptation to dash them away While they still hid her from me—while I could not see her again if I would—I turned from the garden view and left the Square
Amid all the thoughts which thronged on me as I walked farther and farther away from the neighbourhood of what was once my home amid all the remembrances of past events—from the first day when I met Margaret Sherwin to the day when I stood by her grave—which were recalled by the mere act of leaving London there now arose in my mind for the first time a doubt which from that day to this has never left it a doubt whether Mannion might not be tracking me in secret along every step of my way
I stopped instinctively and looked behind me Many figures were moving in the distance but the figure that I had seen in the churchyard was nowhere visible among them A little further on I looked back again and still with the same result After this I let a longer interval elapse before I stopped and then for the third time I turned round and scanned the busy streetscene behind me with eager suspicious eyes Some little distance back on the opposite side of the way I caught sight of a man who was standing still as I was standing amid the moving throng His height was like Mannions height and he wore a cloak like the cloak I had seen on Mannion when he approached me at Margarets grave More than this I could not detect without crossing over The passing vehicles and footpassengers constantly intercepted my view from the position in which I stood
Was this figure thus visible only by intervals the figure of Mannion and was he really tracking my steps As the suspicion strengthened in my mind that it was so the remembrance of his threat in the churchyard You may shield yourself behind your family and your friends I will strike at you through the dearest and the bravest of them— suddenly recurred to me and brought with it a thought which urged me instantly to proceed on my way I never looked behind me again as I now walked on for I said within myself—If he is following me I must not and will not avoid him it will be the best result of my departure that I shall draw after me that destroying presence and thus at least remove it far and safely away from my family and my home
So I neither turned aside from the straight direction nor hurried my steps nor looked back any more At the time I had resolved on I left London for Cornwall without making any attempt to conceal my departure And though I knew that he must surely be following me still I never saw him again never discovered how close or how far off he was on my track
Two months have passed since that period and I know no more about him now than I knew then
JOURNAL
October 19th—My retrospect is finished I have traced the history of my errors and misfortunes of the wrong I have done and the punishment I have suffered for it from the past to the present time
The pages of my manuscript many more than I thought to write at first lie piled together on the table before me I dare not look them over I dare not read the lines which my own hand has traced There may be much in my manner of writing that wants alteration but I have no heart to return to my task and revise and reconsider as I might if I were intent on producing a book which was to be published during my lifetime Others will be found when I am no more to carve and smooth and polish to the popular taste of the day this rugged material of Truth which I shall leave behind me
But now while I collect these leaves and seal them up never to be opened again by my hands can I feel that I have related all which it is necessary to tell No While Mannion lives—while I am ignorant of the changes that may yet be wrought in the home from which I am exiled—there remains for me a future which must be recorded as the necessary sequel to the narrative of the past What may yet happen worthy of record I know not what sufferings I may yet undergo which may unfit me for continuing the labour now terminated for a time I cannot foresee I have not hope enough in the future or in myself to believe that I shall have the time or the energy to write hereafter as I have written already from recollection It is best then that I should note down events daily as they occur and so ensure as far as may be a continuation of my narrative fragment by fragment to the very last
But first as a fit beginning to the Journal I now propose to keep let me briefly reveal something in this place of the life that I am leading in my retirement on the Cornish coast
The fishing hamlet in which I have written the preceding pages is on the southern shore of Cornwall not more than a few miles distant from the Lands End The cottage I inhabit is built of rough granite rudely thatched and has but two rooms I possess no furniture but my bed my table and my chair and some halfdozen fishermen and their families are my only neighbours But I feel neither the want of luxuries nor the want of society all that I wished for in coming here I have—the completest seclusion
My arrival produced at first both astonishment and suspicion The fishermen of Cornwall still preserve almost all the superstitions even to the grossest which were held dear by their humble ancestors centuries back My simple neighbours could not understand why I had no business to occupy me could not reconcile my worn melancholy face with my youthful years Such loneliness as mine looked unnatural—especially to the women They questioned me curiously and the very simplicity of my answer that I had only come to Cornwall to live in quiet and regain my health perplexed them afresh They waited day after day when I was first installed in the cottage to see letters sent to me—and no letters arrived to see my friends join me—and no friends came This deepened the mystery to their eyes They began to recall to memory old Cornish legends of solitary secret people who had lived years and years ago in certain parts of the county—coming none knew whence existing none knew by what means dying and disappearing none knew when They felt half inclined to identify me with these mysterious visitors—to consider me as some being a stranger to the whole human family who had come to waste away under a curse and die ominously and secretly among them Even the person to whom I first paid money for my necessaries questioned for a moment the lawfulness and safety of receiving it
But these doubts gradually died away this superstitious curiosity insensibly wore off among my poor neighbours They became used to my solitary thoughtful and to them inexplicable mode of existence One or two little services of kindness which I rendered soon after my arrival to their children worked wonders in my favour and I am pitied now rather than distrusted When the results of the fishing are abundant a little present has been often made to me out of the nets Some weeks ago after I had gone out in the morning I found on my return two or three gulls eggs placed in a basket before my door They had been left there by the children as ornaments for my cottage window—the only ornaments they had to give the only ornaments they had ever heard of
I can now go out unnoticed directing my steps up the ravine in which our hamlet is situated towards the old grey stone church which stands solitary on the hilltop surrounded by the lonesome moor If any children happen to be playing among the scattered tombs they do not start and run away when they see me sitting on the coffin stone at the entrance of the churchyard or wandering round the sturdy granite tower reared by hands which have mouldered into dust centuries ago My approach has ceased to be of evil omen for my little neighbours They just look up at me for a moment with bright smiles and then go on with their game
From the churchyard I look down the ravine on fine days towards the sea Mighty piles of granite soar above the fishermens cottages on each side the little strip of white beach which the cliffs shut in glows pure in the sunlight the inland stream that trickles down the bed of the rocks sparkles at places like a rivulet of silverfire the round white clouds with their violet shadows and bright wavy edges roll on majestically above me the cries of the seabirds the endless dirging murmur of the surf and the far music of the wind among the ocean caverns fall now together now separately on my ear Natures voice and Natures beauty—Gods soothing and purifying angels of the soul—speak to me most tenderly and most happily at such times as these
It is when the rain falls and wind and sea arise together—when sheltered among the caverns in the side of the precipice I look out upon the dreary waves and the leaping spray—that I feel the unknown dangers which hang over my head in all the horror of their uncertainty Then the threats of my deadly enemy strengthen their hold fearfully on all my senses I see the dim and ghastly personification of a fatality that is lying in wait for me in the strange shapes of the mist which shrouds the sky and moves and whirls and brightens and darkens in a weird glory of its own over the heaving waters Then the crash of the breakers on the reef howls upon me with a sound of judgment and the voice of the wind growling and battling behind me in the hollows of the cave is ever and ever the same thundervoice of doom and warning in my ear
Does this foreboding that Mannions eye is always on me that his footsteps are always secretly following mine proceed only from the weakness of my wornout energies Could others in my situation restrain themselves from fearing as I do that he is still incessantly watching me in secret It is possible It may be that his terrible connection with all my sufferings of the past makes me attach credit too easily to the destroying power which he arrogates to himself in the future Or it may be that all resolution to resist him is paralysed in me not so much by my fear of his appearance as by my uncertainty of the time when it will take place—not so much by his menaces themselves as by the delay in their execution Still though I can estimate fairly the value of these considerations they exercise over me no lasting influence of tranquillity I remember what this man has done and in spite of all reasoning I believe in what he has told me he will yet do Madman though he may be I have no hope of defence or escape from him in any direction look where I will
But for the occupation which the foregoing narrative has given to my mind but for the relief which my heart can derive from its thoughts of Clara I must have sunk under the torment of suspense and suspicion in which my life is now passed My sister Even in this selfimposed absence from her I have still found a means of connecting myself remotely with something that she loves I have taken as the assumed name under which I live and shall continue to live until my father has given me back his confidence and his affection the name of a little estate that once belonged to my mother and that now belongs to her daughter Even the most wretched have their caprice their last favourite fancy I possess no memorial of Clara not even a letter The name that I have taken from the place which she was always fondest and proudest of is to me what a lock of hair a ring any little loveable keepsake is to others happier than I am
I have wandered away from the simple details of my life in this place Shall I now return to them Not today my head burns my hand is weary If the morrow should bring with it no event to write of on the morrow I can resume the subject from which I now break off
October 20th—After laying aside my pen I went out yesterday for the purpose of renewing that former friendly intercourse with my poor neighbours which has been interrupted for the last three weeks by unintermitting labour at the latter portions of my narrative
In the course of my walk among the cottages and up to the old church on the moor I saw fewer of the people of the district than usual The behaviour of those whom I did chance to meet seemed unaccountably altered perhaps it was mere fancy but I thought they avoided me One woman abruptly shut her cottage door as I approached A fisherman when I wished him good day hardly answered and walked on without stopping to gossip with me as usual Some children too whom I overtook on the road to the church ran away from me making gestures to each other which I could not understand Is the first superstitious distrust of me returning after I thought it had been entirely overcome Or are my neighbours only showing their resentment at my involuntary neglect of them for the last three weeks I must try to find out tomorrow
21st—I have discovered all The truth which I was strangely slow to suspect yesterday has forced itself on me today
I went out this morning as I had purposed to discover whether my neighbours had really changed towards me or not since the interval of my three weeks seclusion At the cottagedoor nearest to mine two young children were playing whom I knew I had succeeded in attaching to me soon after my arrival I walked up to speak to them but as I approached their mother came out and snatched them from me with a look of anger and alarm Before I could question her she had taken them inside the cottage and had closed the door
Almost at the same moment as if by a preconcerted signal three or four other women came out from their abodes at a little distance warned me in loud angry voices not to come near them or their children and disappeared shutting their doors Still not suspecting the truth I turned back and walked towards the beach The lad whom I employ to serve me with provisions was lounging there against the side of an old boat At seeing me he started up and walked away a few steps—then stopped and called out—
Im not to bring you anything more father says he wont sell to you again whatever you pay him
I asked the boy why his father had said that but he ran back towards the village without answering me
You had best leave us muttered a voice behind me If you dont go of your own accord our people will starve you out of the place
The man who said these words had been one of the first to set the example of friendliness towards me after my arrival and to him I now turned for the explanation which no one else would give me
You know what we mean and why we want you to go well enough was his reply
I assured him that I did not and begged him so earnestly to enlighten me that he stopped as he was walking away
Ill tell you about it he said but not now I dont want to be seen with you As he spoke he looked back at the women who were appearing once more in front of their cottages Go home again and shut yourself up Ill come at dusk
And he came as he had promised But when I asked him to enter my cottage he declined and said he would talk to me outside at my window This disinclination to be under my roof reminded me that my supplies of food had for the last week been left on the windowledge instead of being brought into my room as usual I had been too constantly occupied to pay much attention to the circumstance at the time but I thought it very strange now
Do you mean to tell me you dont suspect why we want to get you out of our place here said the man looking in distrustfully at me through the window
I repeated that I could not imagine why they had all changed towards me or what wrong they thought I had done them
Then Ill soon let you know it he continued We want you gone from here because—
Because interrupted another voice behind him which I recognised as his wifes because youre bringing a blight on us and our houses—because we want our childrens faces left as God made them—
Because interposed a second woman who had joined her youre bringing devils vengeances among Christian people Come back John hes not safe for a true man to speak to
They dragged the fisherman away with them before he could say another word I had heard enough The fatal truth burst at once on my mind Mannion had followed me to Cornwall his threats were executed to the very letter
10 oclock—I have lit my candle for the last time in this cottage to add a few lines to my journal The hamlet is quiet I hear no footstep outside—and yet can I be certain that Mannion is not lurking near my door at this moment
I must go when the morning comes I must leave this quiet retreat in which I have lived so calmly until now There is no hope that I can reinstate myself in the opinions of my poor neighbours He has arrayed against me the pitiless hostility of their superstition He has found out the dormant cruelties even in the hearts of these simple people and has awakened them against me as he said he would The evil work must have been begun within the last three weeks while I was much within doors and there was little chance of meeting me in my usual walks How that work was accomplished it is useless to inquire my only object now must be to prepare myself at once for departure
11 oclock—While I was putting up my few books a minute ago a little embroidered marker fell out of one of them which I had not observed in the pages before and which I recognised as having been worked for me by Clara I have a memorial of my sister in my possession after all Trifling as it is I shall preserve it about me as a messenger of consolation in the time of adversity and peril
1 oclock—The wind sweeps down on us from off the moorland in fiercer and fiercer gusts the waves dash heavily against our rock promontory the rain drifts wildly past my windows and the densest darkness overspreads the whole sky The storm which has been threatening for some days is gathering fast
Village of Treen October 22nd—The events of this one day have changed the whole future of my life I must force myself to write of them at once Something warns me that if I delay though only till tomorrow I shall be incapable of relating them at all
It was still early in the morning—I think about seven oclock—when I closed my cottage door behind me never to open it again I met only one or two of my neighbours as I left the hamlet They drew aside to let me advance without saying a word With a heavy heart grieved more than I could have imagined possible at departing as an enemy from among the people with whom I had lived as a friend I passed slowly by the last cottages and ascended the cliff path which led to the moor
The storm had raged at its fiercest some hours back Soon after daylight the wind sank but the majesty of the mighty sea had lost none of its terror and grandeur as yet The huge Atlantic waves still hurled themselves foaming and furious against the massive granite of the Cornish cliffs Overhead the sky was hidden in a thick white mist now hanging still and dripping down to the ground now rolling in shapes like vast smokewreaths before the light wind which still blew at intervals At a distance of more than a few yards the largest objects were totally invisible I had nothing to guide me as I advanced but the ceaseless roaring of the sea on my right hand
It was my purpose to get to Penzance by night Beyond that I had no project no thought of what refuge I should seek next Any hope I might have formerly felt of escaping from Mannion had now deserted me for ever I could not discover by any outward indications that he was still following my footsteps The mist obscured all objects behind me from view the ceaseless crashing of the shorewaves overwhelmed all landward sounds but I never doubted for a moment that he was watching me as I proceeded along my onward way
I walked slowly keeping from the edge of the precipices only by keeping the sound of the sea always at the same distance from my ear knowing that I was advancing in the proper direction though very circuitously as long as I heard the waves on my right hand To have ventured on the shorter way by the moor and the crossroads beyond it would have been only to have lost myself past all chance of extrication in the mist
In this tedious manner I had gone on for some time before it struck me that the noise of the sea was altering completely to my sense of hearing It seemed to be sounding very strangely on each side of me—both on my right hand and on my left I stopped and strained my eyes to look through the mist but it was useless Crags only a few yards off seemed like shadows in the thick white vapour Again I went on a little and ere long I heard rolling towards me as it were under my own feet and under the roaring of the sea a howling hollow intermittent sound—like thunder at a distance I stopped again and rested against a rock After some time the mist began to part to seaward but remained still as thick as ever on each side of me I went on towards the lighter sky in front—the thundersound booming louder and louder in the very heart as it seemed of the great cliff
The mist brightened yet a little more and showed me a landmark to ships standing on the highest point of the surrounding rocks I climbed to it recognised the glaring red and white pattern in which it was painted and knew that I had wandered in the mist away from the regular line of coast out on one of the great granite promontories which project into the sea as natural breakwaters on the southern shore of Cornwall
I had twice penetrated as far as this place at the earlier period of my sojourn in the fishinghamlet and while I now listened to the thundersound I knew from what cause it proceeded
Beyond the spot where I stood the rocks descended suddenly and almost perpendicularly to the range below them In one of the highest parts of the wallside of granite thus formed there opened a black yawning hole that slanted nearly straight downwards like a tunnel to unknown and unfathomable depths below into which the waves found entrance through some subterranean channel Even at calm times the sea was never silent in this frightful abyss but on stormy days its fury was terrific The wild waves boiled and thundered in their imprisonment till they seemed to convulse the solid cliff about them like an earthquake But high as they leapt up in the rocky walls of the chasm they never leapt into sight from above Nothing but clouds of spray indicated to the eye what must be the horrible tumult of the raging waters below
With my recognition of the place to which I had now wandered came remembrance of the dangers I had left behind me on the rocktrack that led from the mainland to the promontory—dangers of narrow ledges and treacherous precipices which I had passed safely while unconscious of them in the mist but which I shrank from tempting again now that I recollected them until the sky had cleared and I could see my way well before me The atmosphere was still brightening slowly over the tossing distant waves I determined to wait until it had lost all its obscurity before I ventured to retrace my steps
I moved down towards the lower range of rocks to seek a less exposed position than that which I now occupied As I neared the chasm the terrific howling of the waves inside it was violent enough to drown not only the crashing sound of the surf on the outward crags of the promontory but even the shrill cries of the hundreds on hundreds of seabirds that whirled around me except when their flight was immediately over my head At each side of the abyss the rocks though very precipitous afforded firm hold for hand and foot As I descended them the morbid longing to look on danger which has led many a man to the very brink of a precipice even while he dreaded it led me to advance as near as I durst to the side of the great hole and to gaze down into it I could see but little of its black shining interior walls or of the fragments of rock which here and there jutted out from them crowned with patches of long lank seaweed waving slowly to and fro in empty space—I could see but little of these things for the spray from the bellowing water in the invisible depths below steamed up almost incessantly like smoke and shot hissing in clouds out of the mouth of the chasm on to a huge flat rock covered with seaweed that lay beneath and in front of it The very sight of this smooth slippery plane of granite shelving steeply downward right into the gaping depths of the hole made my head swim the thundering of the water bewildered and deafened me—I moved away while I had the power away some thirty or forty yards in a lateral direction towards the edges of the promontory which looked down on the sea Here the rocks rose again in wild shapes forming natural caverns and penthouses Towards one of these I now advanced to shelter myself till the sky had cleared
I had just entered the place close to the edge of the cliff when a hand was laid suddenly and firmly on my arm and through the crashing of the waves below the thundering of the water in the abyss behind and the shrieking of the seabirds overhead I heard these words spoken close to my ear—
Take care of your life It is not yours to throw away—it is mine
I turned and saw Mannion standing by me No shade concealed the hideous distortion of his face His eye was on me as he pointed significantly down to the surf foaming two hundred feet beneath us
Suicide he said slowly—I suspected it and this time I followed close followed to fight with death which should have you
As I moved back from the edge of the precipice and shook him from me I marked the vacancy that glared even through the glaring triumph of his eye and remembered how I had been warned against him at the hospital
The mist was thickening again but thickening now in clouds that parted and changed minute by minute under the influence of the light behind them I had noticed these sudden transitions before and knew them to be the signs which preceded the speedy clearing of the atmosphere
When I looked up at the sky Mannion stepped back a few paces and pointed in the direction of the fishinghamlet from which I had departed
Even in that remote place he said and among those ignorant people my deformed face has borne witness against you and Margarets death has been avenged as I said it should You have been expelled as a pest and a curse by a community of poor fishermen you have begun to live your life of excommunication as I lived mine Superstition—barbarous monstrous superstition which I found ready made to my use is the scourge with which I have driven you from that hidingplace Look at me now I have got back my strength I am no longer the sick refuse of the hospital Where you go I have the limbs and the endurance to go too I tell you again we are linked together for life I cannot leave you if I would The horrible joy of hunting you through the world leaps in my blood like fire Look look out on those tossing waves There is no rest for them there shall be no rest for you
The sight of him standing close by me in that wild solitude the hoarse sound of his voice as he raised it almost to raving in his exultation over my helplessness the incessant crashing of the sea on the outer rocks the roaring of the tortured waters imprisoned in the depths of the abyss behind us the obscurity of the mist and the strange wild shapes it began to take as it now rolled almost over our heads—all that I saw all that I heard seemed suddenly to madden me as Mannion uttered his last words My brain felt turned to fire my heart to ice A horrible temptation to rid myself for ever of the wretch before me by hurling him over the precipice at my feet seized on me I felt my hands stretching themselves out towards him without my willing it—if I had waited another instant I should have dashed him or myself to destruction But I turned back in time and reckless of all danger fled from the sight of him over the rugged and perilous surface of the cliff
The shock of a fall among the rocks before I had advanced more than a few yards partly restored my selfpossession Still I dared not look back to see if Mannion was following me so long as the precipice behind him was within view
I began to climb to the higher range of rocks almost at the same spot by which I had descended from them—judging by the close thunder of the water in the chasm Halfway up I stopped at a broad restingplace and found that I must proceed a little either to the right or to the left in a horizontal direction before I could easily get higher At that moment the mist was slowly brightening again I looked first to the left to see where I could get good foothold—then to the right towards the outer sides of the riven rocks close at hand
At the same instant I caught sight dimly of the figure of Mannion moving shadowlike below and beyond me skirting the farther edge of the slippery plane of granite that shelved into the gaping mouth of the hole The brightening atmosphere showed him that he had risked himself in the mist too near to a dangerous place He stopped—looked up and saw me watching him—raised his hand—and shook it threateningly in the air The illcalculated violence of his action in making that menacing gesture destroyed his equilibrium—he staggered—tried to recover himself—swayed half round where he stood—then fell heavily backward right on to the steep shelving rock
The wet seaweed slipped through his fingers as they madly clutched at it He struggled frantically to throw himself towards the side of the declivity slipping further and further down it at every effort Close to the mouth of the abyss he sprang up as if he had been shot A tremendous jet of spray hissed out upon him at the same moment I heard a scream so shrill so horribly unlike any human cry that it seemed to silence the very thundering of the water The spray fell For one instant I saw two livid and bloody hands tossed up against the black walls of the hole as he dropped into it Then the waves roared again fiercely in their hidden depths the spray flew out once more and when it cleared off nothing was to be seen at the yawning mouth of the chasm—nothing moved over the shelving granite but some torn particles of seaweed sliding slowly downwards in the running ooze
The shock of that sight must have paralysed within me the power of remembering what followed it for I can recall nothing after looking on the emptiness of the rock below except that I crouched on the ledge under my feet to save myself from falling off it—that there was an interval of oblivion—and that I seemed to awaken again as it were to the thundering of the water in the abyss When I rose and looked around me the seaward sky was lovely in its clearness the foam of the leaping waves flashed gloriously in the sunlight and all that remained of the mist was one great cloud of purple shadow hanging afar off over the whole inland view
I traced my way back along the promontory feebly and slowly My weakness was so great that I trembled in every limb A strange uncertainty about directing myself in the simplest actions overcame my mind Sometimes I stopped short hesitating in spite of myself at the slightest obstacles in my path Sometimes I grew confused without any cause about the direction in which I was proceeding and fancied I was going back to the fishing village The sight that I had witnessed seemed to be affecting me physically far more than mentally As I dragged myself on my weary way along the coast there was always the same painful vacancy in my thoughts there seemed to be no power in them yet of realising Mannions appalling death
By the time I arrived at this village my strength was so utterly exhausted that the people at the inn were obliged to help me upstairs Even now after some hours rest the mere exertion of dipping my pen in the ink begins to be a labour and a pain to me There is a strange fluttering at my heart my recollections are growing confused again—I can write no more
23rd—The frightful scene that I witnessed yesterday still holds the same disastrous influence over me I have vainly endeavoured to think not of Mannions death but of the free prospect which that death has opened to my view Waking or sleeping it is as if some fatality kept all my faculties imprisoned within the black walls of the chasm I saw the livid bleeding hands flying past them again in my dreams last night And now while the morning is clear and the breeze is fresh no repose no change comes to my thoughts Time bright beauty of unclouded daylight seems to have lost the happy influence over me which it used formerly to possess
25th—All yesterday I had not energy enough even to add a line to this journal The strength to control myself seems to have gone from me The slightest accidental noise in the house throws me into a fit of trembling which I cannot subdue Surely if ever the death of one human being brought release and salvation to another the death of Mannion has brought them to me and yet the effect left on my mind by the horror of having seen it is still not lessened—not even by the knowledge of all that I have gained by being freed from the deadliest and most determined enemy that man ever had
26th—Visions—half waking half dreaming—all through the night Visions of my last lonely evening in the fishinghamlet—of Mannion again—the livid hands whirling to and fro over my head in the darkness—then glimpses of home of Clara reading to me in my study—then a change to the room where Margaret died—the sight of her again with her long black hair streaming over her face—then oblivion for a little while—then Mannion once more walking backwards and forwards by my bedside—his death seeming like a dream his watching me through the night like a reality to which I had just awakened—Clara walking opposite to him on the other side—Ralph between them pointing at me
27th—I am afraid my mind is seriously affected it must have been fatally weakened before I passed through the terrible scenes among the rocks of the promontory My nerves must have suffered far more than I suspected at the time under the constant suspense in which I have been living since I left London and under the incessant strain and agitation of writing the narrative of all that has happened to me Shall I send a letter to Ralph No—not yet It might look like impatience like not being able to bear my necessary absence as calmly and resolutely as I ought
28th—A wakeful night—tormented by morbid apprehensions that the reports about me in the fishingvillage may spread to this place that inquiries may be made after Mannion and that I may be suspected of having caused his death
29th—The people at the inn have sent to get me medical advice The doctor came today He was kindness itself but I fell into a fit of trembling the moment he entered the room—grew confused in attempting to tell him what was the matter with me—and at last could not articulate a single word distinctly He looked very grave as he examined me and questioned the landlady I thought I heard him say something about sending for my friends but could not be certain
31st—Weaker and weaker I tried in despair today to write to Ralph but knew not how to word the letter The simplest forms of expression confused themselves inextricably in my mind I was obliged to give it up It is a surprise to me to find that I can still add with my pencil to the entries in this Journal When I am no longer able to continue in some sort the employment to which I have been used for so many weeks past what will become of me Shall I have lost the only safeguard that keeps me in my senses
Worse worse I have forgotten what day of the month it is and cannot remember it for a moment together when they tell me—cannot even recollect how long I have been confined to my bed I feel as if my heart was wasting away Oh if I could only see Clara again
The doctor and a strange man have been looking among my papers
My God am I dying dying at the very time when there is a chance of happiness for my future life
Clara—far from her—nothing but the little bookmarker she worked for me—leave it round my neck when I—
I cant move or breathe or think—if I could only be taken back—if my father could see me as I am now Night again—the dreams that will come—always of home sometimes the untried home in heaven as well as the familiar home on earth—
Clara I shall die out of my senses unless Clara—break the news gently—it may kill her—
Her face so bright and calm her watchful weeping eyes always looking at me with a light in them that shines steady through the quivering tears While the light lasts I shall live when it begins to die out—
NOTE BY THE EDITOR
There are some lines of writing beyond this point but they are
illegible
LETTERS IN CONCLUSION
LETTER I
FROM WILLIAM PENHALE MINER AT BARTALLOCK IN CORNWALL TO HIS WIFE IN LONDON
MY DEAR MARY
I received your letter yesterday and was more glad than I can say at hearing that our darling girl Susan has got such a good place in London and likes her new mistress so well My kind respects to your sister and her husband and say I dont grumble about the money thats been spent in sending you with Susan to take care of her She was too young poor child to be trusted to make the journey alone and as I was obliged to stop at home and work to keep the other children and pay back what we borrowed for the trip of course you were the proper person after me to go with Susan—whose welfare is a more precious possession to us than any money I am sure Besides when I married you and took you away to Cornwall I always promised you a trip to London to see your friends again and now that promise is performed So once again dont fret about the money thats been spent I shall soon pay it back
Ive got some very strange news for you Mary You know how bad work was getting at the mine before you went away—so bad that I thought to myself after you had gone Hadnt I better try what I can do in the fishing at Treen And I went there and thank God have got on well by it I can turn my hand to most things and the fishing has been very good this year So I have stuck to my work And now I come to my news
The landlady at the inn here is as you know a sort of relation of mine Well the third afternoon after you had gone I was stopping to say a word to her at her own door on my way to the beach when we saw a young gentleman quite a stranger coming up to us He looked very pale and wildlike I thought when he asked for a bed and then got faint all of a sudden—so faint and ill that I was obliged to lend a hand in getting him upstairs The next morning I heard he was worse and it was just the same story the morning after He quite frightened the landlady he was so restless and talked to himself in such a strange way specially at night He wouldnt say what was the matter with him or who he was we could only find out that he had been stopping among the fishing people further west and that they had not behaved very well to him at last—more shame for them Im sure they could take no hurt from the poor young fellow let him be whom he may Well the end of it was that I went and fetched the doctor for him myself and when we got into his room we found him all pale and trembling and looking at us poor soul as if he thought we meant to murder him The doctor gave his complaint some hard names which I dont know how to write down but it seems theres more the matter with his mind than his body and that he must have had some great fright which has shaken his nerves all to pieces The only way to do him good as the doctor said was to have him carefully nursed by his relations and kept quiet among people he knew strange faces about him being likely to make him worse The doctor asked where his friends lived but he wouldnt say and lately hes got so much worse that he cant speak clearly to us at all
Yesterday evening he gave us all a fright The doctor hearing me below asking after him said I was to come up stairs and help to move him to have his bed made As soon as I raised him up though Im sure I touched him as gently as I could he fainted dead away While he was being brought to a little piece of something that looked like cardboard prettily embroidered with beads and silk came away from a string that held it round his neck and dropped off the bedside I picked it up for I remembered the time Mary when you and I were courting and how precious the least thing was to me that belonged to you So I took care of it for him thinking it might be a keepsake from his sweetheart And sure enough when he came to he put up his thin white hands to his neck and looked so thankful at me when I tied the little thing again to the string Just as I had done that the doctor beckons me to the other end of the room
This wont do says he to me in a whisper If he goes on like this hell lose his reason if not his life I must search his papers to find out what friends he has and you must be my witness
So the doctor opens his little bag and takes out a square sealed packet first then two or three letters tied together the poor soul looking all the while as if he longed to prevent us from touching them Well the doctor said there was no occasion to open the packet for the direction was the same on all the letters and the name corresponded with his initials marked on his linen
Im next to certain this is where he lives or did live so this is where Ill write says the doctor
Shall my wife take the letter Sir says I Shes in London with our girl Susan and if his friends should be gone away from where you are writing to she may be able to trace them
Quite right Penhale says he well do that Write to your wife and put my letter inside yours
I did as he told me at once and his letter is inside this with the direction of the house and the street
Now Mary dear go at once and see what you can find out The direction on the doctors letter may be his home and if it isnt there may be people there who can tell you where it is So go at once and let us know directly what luck you have had for there is no time to be lost and if you saw the young gentleman you would pity him as much as we do
This has got to be such a long letter that I have no room left to write any more God bless you Mary and God bless my darling Susan Give her a kiss for fathers sake and believe me Your loving husband
WILLIAM PENHALE
LETTER II FROM MARY PENHALE TO HER HUSBAND DEAREST WILLIAM
Susan sends a hundred kisses and best loves to you and her brothers and sisters Shes getting on nicely and her mistress is as kind and fond of her as can be Best respects too from my sister Martha and her husband And now Ive done giving you all my messages Ill tell you some good news for the poor young gentleman who is so bad at Treen
As soon as I had seen Susan and read your letter to her I went to the place where the doctors letter directed me Such a grand house William I was really afraid to knock at the door So I plucked up courage and gave a pull at the bell and a very fat big man with his head all plastered over with powder opened the door almost before I had done ringing If you please Sir says I showing him the name on the doctors letter do any friends of this gentleman live here To be sure they do says he his father and sister live here but what do you want to know for I want them to read this letter says I Its to tell them that the young gentleman is very bad in health down in our country You cant see my master says he for hes confined to his bed by illness and Miss Clara is very poorly too—you had better leave the letter with me Just as he said this an elderly lady crossed the hall I found out she was the housekeeper afterwards and asked what I wanted When I told her she looked quite startled Step this way maam says she you will do Miss Clara more good than all the doctors put together But you must break the news to her carefully before she sees the letter Please to make it out better news than it is for the young lady is in very delicate health We went upstairs—such staircarpets I was almost frightened to step on them after walking through the dirty streets The housekeeper opened a door and said a few words inside which I could not hear and then let me in where the young lady was
Oh William she had the sweetest kindest face I ever saw in my life But it was so pale and there was such a sad look in her eyes when she asked me to sit down that it went to my heart when I thought of the news I had to tell her I couldnt speak just at first and I suppose she thought I was in some trouble—for she begged me not to tell her what I wanted till I was better She said it with such a voice and such a look that like a great fool I burst out crying instead of answering as I ought But it did me good though and made me able to tell her about her brother breaking it as gently as I could before I gave her the doctors letter She never opened it but stood up before me as if she was turned to stone—not able to cry or speak or move It frightened me so to see her in such a dreadful state that I forgot all about the grand house and the difference there was between us and took her in my arms making her sit down on the sofa by me—just as I should do if I was consoling our own Susan under some great trouble Well I soon made her look more like herself comforting her in every way I could think of and she laid her poor head on my shoulder and I took and kissed her not remembering a bit about its being a born lady and a stranger that I was kissing and the tears came at last and did her good As soon as she could speak she thanked God her brother was found and had fallen into kind hands She hadnt courage to read the doctors letter herself and asked me to do it Though he gave a very bad account of the young gentleman he said that care and nursing and getting him away from a strange place to his own home and among his friends might do wonders for him yet When I came to this part of the letter she started up and asked me to give it to her Then she inquired when I was going back to Cornwall and I said as soon as possible for indeed its time I was home William Wait pray wait till I have shown this letter to my father says she And she ran out of the room with it in her hand
After some time she came back with her face all of a flush like looking quite different to what she did before and saying that I had done more to make the family happy by coming with that letter than she could ever thank me for as she ought A gentleman followed her in who was her eldest brother she said the pleasantest liveliest gentleman I ever saw He shook hands as if he had known me all his life and told me I was the first person he had ever met with who had done good in a family by bringing them bad news Then he asked me whether I was ready to go to Cornwall the next morning with him and the young lady and a friend of his who was a doctor I had thought already of getting the parting over with poor Susan that very day so I said Yes After that they wouldnt let me go away till I had had something to eat and drink and the dear kind young lady asked me all about Susan and where she was living and about you and the children just as if she had known us like neighbours Poor thing she was so flurried and so anxious for the next morning that it was all the gentleman could do to keep her quiet and prevent her falling into a sort of laughing and crying fit which it seems she had been liable to lately At last they let me go away and I went and stayed with Susan as long as I could before I bid her goodbye She bore the parting bravely—poor dear child God in heaven bless her and Im sure he will for a better daughter no mother ever had
My dear husband I am afraid this letter is very badly written but the tears are in my eyes thinking of Susan and I feel so wearied and flurried after what has happened We are to go off very early tomorrow morning in a carriage which is to be put on the railway Only think of my riding home in a fine carriage with gentlefolks—how surprised Willie and Nancy and the other children will be I shall get to Treen almost as soon as my letter but I thought I would write so that you might have the good news the first moment it could get to you to tell the poor young gentleman Im sure it must make him better only to hear that his brother and sister are coming to fetch him home
I cant write any more dear William Im so very tired except that I long to see you and the little ones again and that I am
Your loving and dutiful wife
MARY PENHALE
LETTER III
TO MR JOHN BERNARD FROM THE WRITER OF THE FOREGOING AUTOBIOGRAPHY
This letter is nearly nine years later in date than the letters which precede it
Lanreath Cottage Breconshire
MY DEAR FRIEND
I find by your last letter that you doubt whether I still remember the circumstances under which I made a certain promise to you more than eight years ago You are mistaken not one of those circumstances has escaped my memory To satisfy you of this I will now recapitulate them You will own I think that I have forgotten nothing
After my removal from Cornwall shall I ever forget the first sight of Clara and Ralph at my bedside when the nervous malady from which I suffered so long had yielded to the affectionate devotion of my family—aided by the untiring exercise of your skill—one of my first anxieties was to show that I could gratefully appreciate your exertions for my good by reposing the same confidence in you which I should place in my nearest and dearest relatives From the time when we first met at the hospital your services were devoted to me through much misery of mind and body with the delicacy and the selfdenial of a true friend I felt that it was only your due that you should know by what trials I had been reduced to the situation in which you found me when you accompanied my brother and sister to Cornwall—I felt this and placed in your hands for your own private perusal the narrative which I had written of my error and of its terrible consequences To tell you all that had happened to me with my own lips was more than I could do then—and even after this lapse of years would be more than I could do now
After you had read the narrative you urged me on returning it into my possession to permit its publication during my lifetime I granted the justness of the reasons which led you to counsel me thus but I told you at the same time that an obstacle which I was bound to respect would prevent me from following your advice While my father lived I could not suffer a manuscript in which he was represented no matter under what excess of provocation as separating himself in the bitterest hostility from his own son to be made public property I could not suffer events of which we never afterwards spoke ourselves to be given to others in the form of a printed narrative which might perhaps fall under his own eye You acknowledged I remember the justice of these considerations and promised in case I died before him to keep back my manuscript from publication as long as my father lived In binding yourself to that engagement however you stipulated and I agreed that I should reconsider your arguments in case I outlived him This was my promise and these were the circumstances under which it was made You will allow I think that my memory is more accurate than you had imagined it to be
And now you write to remind me of my part of our agreement—forbearing with your accustomed delicacy to introduce the subject until more than six months have elapsed since my fathers death You have done well I have had time to feel all the consolation afforded to me by the remembrance that for years past my life was of some use in sweetening my fathers that his death has occurred in the ordinary course of Nature and that I never to my own knowledge gave him any cause to repent the full and loving reconciliation which took place between us as soon as we could speak together freely after my return to home
Still I am not answering your question—Am I now willing to permit the publication of my narrative provided all names and places mentioned in it remained concealed and I am known to no one but yourself Ralph and Clara as the writer of my own story I reply that I am willing In a few days you will receive the manuscript by a safe hand Neither my brother nor my sister object to its being made public on the terms I have mentioned and I feel no hesitation in accepting the permission thus accorded to me I have not glossed over the flightiness of Ralphs character but the brotherly kindness and manly generosity which lie beneath it are as apparent I hope in my narrative as they are in fact And Clara dear Clara—all that I have said of her is only to be regretted as unworthy of the noblest subject that my pen or any other pen can have to write on
One difficulty however still remains—How are the pages which I am about to send you to be concluded In the novelreading sense of the word my story has no real conclusion The repose that comes to all of us after trouble—to me a repose in life to others how often a repose only in the grave—is the end which must close this autobiography an end calm natural and uneventful yet not perhaps devoid of all lesson and value Is it fit that I should set myself for the sake of effect to make a conclusion and terminate by fiction what has begun and thus far has proceeded in truth In the interests of Art as well as in the interests of Reality surely not
Whatever remains to be related after the last entry in my journal will be found expressed in the simplest and therefore the best form by the letters from William and Mary Penhale which I send you with this When I revisited Cornwall to see the good miner and his wife I found in the course of the inquiries which I made as to the past that they still preserved the letters they had written about me while I lay ill at Treen I asked permission to take copies of these two documents as containing materials which I could but ill supply from my own resources for filling up a gap in my story They at once consented telling me that they had always kept each others letters after marriage as carefully as they kept them before in token that their first affection remained to the last unchanged At the same time they entreated me with the most earnest simplicity to polish their own homely expressions and turn them as they phrased it into proper reading You may easily imagine that I knew better than to do this and you will I am sure agree with me that both the letters I send should be printed as literally as they were copied by my hand
Having now provided for the continuation of my story to the period of my return home I have a word or two to say on the subject of preparing the autobiography for press Failing in the resolution even now to look over my manuscript again I leave the corrections it requires to others—but on one condition Let none of the passages in which I have related events or described characters be either softened or suppressed I am well aware of the tendency in some readers to denounce truth itself as improbable unless their own personal experience has borne witness to it and it is on this very account that I am firm in my determination to allow of no cringing beforehand to anticipated incredulities What I have written is Truth and it shall go into the world as Truth should—entirely uncompromised Let my style be corrected as completely as you will but leave characters and events which are taken from realities real as they are
In regard to the surviving persons with whom this narrative associates me I have little to say which it can concern the reader to know The man whom I have presented in the preceding pages under the name of Sherwin is I believe still alive and still residing in France—whither he retreated soon after the date of the last events mentioned in my autobiography A new system had been introduced into his business by his assistant which when left to his own unaided resources he failed to carry out His affairs became involved a commercial crisis occurred which he was wholly unable to meet and he was made a bankrupt having first dishonestly secured to himself a subsistence for life out of the wreck of his property I accidentally heard of him a few years since as maintaining among the English residents of the town he then inhabited the character of a man who had undeservedly suffered from severe family misfortunes and who bore his afflictions with the most exemplary piety and resignation
To those once connected with him who are now no more I need not and cannot refer again That part of the dreary Past with which they are associated is the part which I still shrink in terror from thinking on There are two names which my lips have not uttered for years which in this life I shall never pronounce again The night of Death is over them a night to look away from for evermore
To look away from—but towards what object The Future That way I see but dimly even yet It is on the Present that my thoughts are fixed in the contentment which desires no change
For the last five months I have lived here with Clara—here on the little estate which was once her mothers which is now hers Long before my fathers death we often talked in the great country house of future days which we might pass together as we pass them now in this place Though we may often leave it for a time we shall always look back to Lanreath Cottage as to our home The years of retirement which I spent at the Hall after my recovery have not awakened in me a single longing to return to the busy world Ralph—now the head of our family now aroused by his new duties to a sense of his new position—Ralph already emancipated from many of the habits which once enthralled and degraded him has written bidding me employ to the utmost the resources which his position enables him to offer me if I decide on entering into public life But I have no such purpose I am still resolved to live on in obscurity in retirement in peace I have suffered too much I have been wounded too sadly to range myself with the heroes of Ambition and fight my way upward from the ranks The glory and the glitter which I once longed to look on as my own would dazzle and destroy me now Such shocks as I have endured leave that behind them which changes the character and the purpose of a life The mountainpath of Action is no longer a path for me my future hope pauses with my present happiness in the shadowed valley of Repose
Not a repose which owns no duty and is good for no use not a repose which Thought cannot ennoble and Affection cannot sanctify To serve the cause of the poor and the ignorant in the little sphere which now surrounds me to smooth the way for pleasure and plenty where pain and want have made it rugged too long to live more and more worthy with every day of the sisterly love which never tiring never changing watches over me in this last retreat this dearest home—these are the purposes the only purposes left which I may still cherish Let me but live to fulfil them and life will have given to me all that I can ask
I may now close my letter I have communicated to you all the materials I can supply for the conclusion of my autobiography and have furnished you with the only directions I wish to give in reference to its publication Present it to the reader in any form and at any time that you think fit On its reception by the public I have no wish to speculate It is enough for me to know that with all its faults it has been written in sincerity and in truth I shall not feel false shame at its failure or false pride at its success
If there be any further information which you think it necessary to possess and which I have forgotten to communicate write to me on the subject—or far better come here yourself and ask of me with your own lips all that you desire to know Come and judge of the life I am now leading by seeing it as it really is Though it be only for a few days pause long enough in your career of activity and usefulness of fame and honour to find leisure time for a visit to the cottage where we live This is as much Claras invitation as mine She will never forget even if I could all that I have owed to your friendship—will never weary even if I should tire of showing you that we are capable of deserving it Come then and see her as well as me—see her once more my sister of old times I remember what you said of Clara when we last met and last talked of her and I believe you will be almost as happy to see her again in her old character as I am
Till then farewell Do not judge hastily of my motives for persisting in the life of retirement which I have led for so many years past Do not think that calamity has chilled my heart or enervated my mind Past suffering may have changed but it has not deteriorated me It has fortified my spirit with an abiding strength it has told me plainly much that was but dimly revealed to me before it has shown me uses to which I may put my existence that have their sanction from other voices than the voices of fame it has taught me to feel that bravest ambition which is vigorous enough to overleap the little life here Is there no aspiration in the purposes for which I would now live—Bernard whatever we can do of good in this world with our affections or our faculties rises to the Eternal World above us as a song of praise from Humanity to God Amid the thousand thousand tones ever joining to swell the music of that song are those which sound loudest and grandest here the tones which travel sweetest and purest to the Imperishable Throne which mingle in the perfectest harmony with the anthem of the angelchoir Ask your own heart that question—and then say may not the obscurest life—even a life like mine—be dignified by a lasting aspiration and dedicated to a noble aim
I have done The calm summer evening has stolen on me while I have been writing to you and Claras voice—now the happy voice of the happy old times—calls to me from our garden seat to come out and look at the sunset over the distant sea Once more—farewell