WILLIAM EASY Esq to CHARLES MELMOTH Esq
TempleFebruaryJust returned from Bath
ONCE more my Dear Friend I am seated in my Chambers •t the Temple surrounded as usual with a ridiculous Confusion of Litter and Literature my Chairs and Tables covered with Pamphlets and Powder and Dust and Lawbooks
and in short every Thing exactly as I left it six Weeks ago Well thought I as I cast my Eye round my Apartments a Temple Laundress is nothing but a new Edition of an University Bedmaker However there is some Satisfaction and Advantage in being able to leave ones Papers in what Corner of the Room one pleases without running the Risque of their being turned over and methodized with a Broom or a Duster
In the mean Time my Servant had shut up the Windows lighted the Fire and two half Candles that remained in the Sconces and retired and I throwing myself upon my Sopha tried I believe for near an hour to persuade myself that I had never been from Home But
finding Reality too strong for Imagination I began seriously to ruminate upon what had passed during the Interval My last Letter I think was written just before I set out on my Expedition to that Centre of Gaiety Bath and I have not heard from you these two Months Since then what Changes and Vicissitudes have I experienced In short that Day which like Death must sooner or later come upon all Men has overtaken me I am desperately in Love Not so bad indeed as to prevent or suspend the common Animal Operations of Eating Drinking and Sleeping nor yet so bad as to make me prefer a hard flinty Pavement to a good Featherbed No—My Wound for you know People in Love are
always supposed to be wounded
is not so deep as a Well nor so wide as a Church Door but tis enough twill serve Ask for me tomorrow and you shall find me a Grave Man
And now for the Manner in which I received it I had hardly been at Bath three Days when as I was dropping into the Pumproom according to my Morning custom I saw a tall elegant Girl about eighteen or twenty supporting a miserable old Lump of Chalkstones who was drinking the Waters I will not attempt a Description of her as every Man is apt to deal in Hyperbole on these Occasions and talk of Orangeflower Breath and Pearls and Rubies as if he was thinking of the Trinkets that must
be bought if he married her till he turns his Mistress into a Greenhouse or a Jewellers Shop with his Compliments However if you are very desirous of seeing her Picture drawn you may find one ready cut and dried and fit for use in most Novels In short she was
Fairer far than Painters form
Or youthful Poets fancy when they love
that is she pleased me and entirely came up to my Idea of Female Perfection As soon as the old Fellow was drenched sufficiently and had taken himself out of the Pumproom I enquired his Home c of the Naiad that attends there and in the Course of five Minutes Conversation was informed that he was a Mr Hartley that he had been at Bath about a Fortnight
that the young Lady was his Daughter and only Child that she was said to have a very large Fortune and finally was to be at the Ball next Evening A lucky Gleam of Recollection at this Instant reminded me that I had often heard my Father talk of him and that when a Child I had seen him at our House Upon the Strength of this paternal Acquaintance I determined to introduce myself and accordingly made my Appearance at his Door the next Morning about Breakfast Time I found the old Gentleman in his Nightcap and Slippers pothering over the Newspaper and his Charmante fille on the opposite Side of the Table pouring out the Tea Having seated myself by him both that I
might have a more advantageous View of my Goddess and that I might appear to pay him the greater Respect I began to explain who I was and having mentioned some Circumstances which I luckily remembered to have heard from my Father concerning their Acquaintance together the old Gentleman whipt off his Spectacles in an Instant and laying down his Paper first shook me heartily by the Hand and immediately afterwards resuming the former Part of his Apparatus stared me full in the Face for near a Minute to discover whether there was any Family Likeness He was fortunate enough to perceive a very strong one which was more than ever I have been able to do in my Life However
it served to increase his Civility to me and we soon became very intimate His Wife it seems has been dead several Years and he calls his own Age between Sixty and Seventy tho the frequent Gouty Attacks he has undergone make him look older He talked over a vast Heap of Family Matters and seemed to consider me as an Acquaintance of twenty Years standing Thanks to my Father for it In the mean Time his Daughter was not idle I burnt my Mouth horribly with a scalding Dish of Tea she presented me from paying greater Attention to the Giver than the Gift She frequently joined in our Discourse and was full of Life and Vivacity You may suppose I exerted myself and as a
Reward for my Labour was happy enough before I left the House to obtain her own and her Fathers Permission to dance with her that Evening Adieu my Servant has just brought in Supper which obliges me to defer the Sequel of my Adventures till another Post
Yours sincerely W Easy
WILLIAM EASY to CHARLES MELMOTH
TempleFebruary
Dear Charles
MY last I think concluded with a Promise of some farther Account of my amatorial Proceedings I now sit down to fulfil that Promise and at the same Time to ask your Advice in regard to my future Measures Really I am very much in love with this Girl The more I think of her the more I admire her good Sense and Vivacity and though in Case of a Refusal I should neither shoot nor
drown yet if I ever am to marry most fervently do I pray that she may be the Person Books now are become quite a Bore to me— And not merely Legal ones which you know I never received much Entertainment from but History Geography and even my Favourites the Poets seem insipid and fatiguing unless they treat of Love To return to my History According to Appointment I was made happy with Miss Hartleys Hand at the Ball and before she quitted Bath became perfectly intimate with her Father and I flatter myself not utterly disagreeable to herself He is really a very honest good sort of Being but like every body else has his Foible
which however is an innocent one and in some Degree hereditary His Father was a Man who to good natural Parts had added a considerable Fund of acquired Knowledge He seeing with the Eyes of a Parent unluckily supposes this Son possessed of the same Degree of the one and consequently determines he shall not be deficient in the other With this View he is sent to the University and both his Terms and Vacations employed in all the Perplexities of Science either with his Tutor or at Home By and by the old Man dies and the Son having always been taught to suppose himself clever takes his Fathers Word for the Truth of it and
invitâ Minervâ continues to this Day wandering in the self same Labyrinths and paying the most obsequious Respect to every Man he hears spoken of for Literary Eminence You may be assured I humoured this ridiculous Passion and routed out all my Stock of University Learning upon the Occasion Upon my Honour when I had rubbed it up a little I was surprized to find how it shone like a Piece of old Family Plate tho the more refined and subtle Parts of it were in some Degree evaporated Miss Hartley if I may credit the Language of the Eyes which I consider as ocular Demonstration has declared she does not absolutely hate me and has half
promised to take the first Opportunity of Writing I wish I knew how to believe her They are now at a Relations near Reading on a Visit but will soon be in Town when I shall not omit the Renewal of my Acquaintance
Adieu W Easy
Miss HARTLEY to Miss RUGG
Staples near ReadingMarch
My Dear Girl
HOW many thousand fine Speeches and Apologies have I to make for your Goodness in writing so often whilst I was at Bath and my own Neglect in never once answering you Really my Dear if you are unmerciful in your Demands upon me I must take out a Statute of Bankruptcy at once and oblige you to be satisfied with so much in the Pound Besides I have very good Reasons for my long Silence An incessant
Round of Dressing and Undressing Plays Balls and Diversions of one Sort or other hardly left me a Moment to myself and when this was the Case I dare say you would not have wished me to stupify myself with Scribbling
Heigh ho Do you know any Gentleman by the Name of Easy I danced with him one Night at the Rooms He introduced himself to my Father under pretence of an old Family Connection and we hardly ever stirred without him afterwards An old Family Connection Do you think my Vanity would suffer me to believe that my Dear Is it likely that a handsome young Fellow of six or seven and Twenty should hunt out a Man old enough to be his Grandfather
for the Sake of a Family Connection No no if there is any Truth in that Part of the Story I fancy he thinks the Traces of it are so nearly worn out that it is Time to strengthen them with a new one Let me hear your pretty serious Sentiments upon this and quickly too if you mean to write at all for in a Fortnight I hope to be in London and then—who knows what may happen to
Yours most affectionately Catharine Hartley
I had almost forgot to tell you that we are now at Staples with that wretched Antique Sir Anthony Artichoke a second Cousin of my Uncles Wifes Brotherinlaw whom my Father chuses to call a Relation because he puzzles him in the dead Languages whenever they meet
CHARLES MELMOTH to WILLIAM EASY
Melmoth Place NorfolkMarch
AND so my very good Friend and Companion William Easy Esquire is at last professedly in Love and willing to exchange the Indolence of a Law Student for the laborious Operations of regulating a Family and chewing Pap for his Children Really I think he is very much in the Right For my own Part though I have now been married above a Twelvemonth which according to the present Way of Thinking is a little Eternity and have been in
the Country almost ever since I do not yet find my Wifes Company at all Ennuyeuse or fatiguing nor have I once wished for a Repetition of the Gallantries I was engaged in during my Travels I think I may now venture to intrust you with thus much of my Mind without fear of being laughed at as an uxorious Rustic which I know would have been the Case half a Year ago The Amusements of the Field the Company of my Friends some of whom have been in the House ever since you left us and now and then that miserable Dernier ressort to all People of Ton ones own Wife have really been to me a very sufficient Source of Happiness and Satisfaction Besides I have been engaged with a continued
Series of Alterations both in House and Grounds under the Auspices of those two great Luminaries Wyatt and Brown Upon my Honour that same Wyatt is a Fellow of very superior Talents There is something so majestically Simple in his Ideas so contrary to the minute Frippery of the Generality that I am really in Raptures with him The Metamorphoses he has made in my House are the Effect of Magic He has digested and methodized that rude Chaos of Antichambers and Closets and Passages that lead to nothing which our ridiculous Ancestors were so fond of and for which you may remember my Habitation was particularly eminent There is now a very excellent Suite of Apartments
in Embrio and the haunted Parlour with marblecoloured Wainscot will make an incomparable DrawingRoom And all this since you was down with me last Summer By the Bye I desire that from this Time forth for evermore you direct your Letters to Charles Melmoth Esq MelmothPlace as I being determined the Name of my Seat shall not survive the Barbarism that authorized it have without Act of Parliament and relying upon my own Authority as Justice of the Peace issued Orders to all Constables Headboroughs c in the County of Norfolk to wit that they do by all legal Methods suppress and destroy the original Appellation of Hollyhock Hall and
in its stead substitute MelmothPlace aforesaid
But perhaps you begin to think this very little to the Purpose of your Amour and as every body is most fond of talking and writing about their own Affairs I must confess I had almost forgot myself However I wish you may succeed with all my Heart and in regard to Advice or Consultation will defer it for about a Fortnight when I design visiting London for a few Weeks and entering for the Time being into all the Vanity of Metropolitan Diversions So Farewell
Yours ever Charles Melmoth
Miss HARTLEY to Miss RUGG
Hillstreet BerkeleysquareApril
HOW very unlucky and perverse our Motions are One would think the crossgrained Fellow your Uncle contrived it on purpose Thursday Evening I once more set Foot in London having escaped from a miserable State of BondSlavery at Staples where we had dragged on near six Weeks of passive Existence without seeing a Soul but that old Applewoman Sir Anthony who is as disagreeable as the Place he lives in and two or three Country Neighbours who are still worse I thought my Father would never have quitted the
dull Place We really seem my Dear for these last two Years to have been running away from each other Always like Buckets one up and the other down And now poor Soul you are stationed at Woodstock are you for I called on you Friday Morning and finding you flown enquired all Particulars of the Servant and enjoy the agreeable Society of your maiden Aunts and your Rookery do you or if you wish for Solitude you are at full Liberty to sit under a Tree in the Garden by the Hour together thinking of Rosamond and her Bower and the Nunnery at Godstow What a Taste your Uncle has I was at Romeo and Juliet last Night and who does your great Penetration imagine I saw
there No less a Person than Mr Easy I can assure you He seemed somewhat surprized for he did not know I was in London Entre nous I had promised to write to him from Staples but was cruel enough or as you would say sufficiently prudent to disappoint him so that our Meeting was entirely unexpected on his Part He was in an Undress and looked killingly Negligent I can assure you There was another Gentleman with him whom he left and came up to us immediately My Father was quite rejoiced to see him and for myself filial Duty you know obliged me to experience a similar Sensation He talked a good Deal and looked much more Undoubtedly he is a very agreeable Man and there is
such an ingenuous Naiveté in his Behaviour that I am sure he must be an honest one He humoured my Father in his literary Quixotism and drew Comparisons between Shakespeare and the Ancients till he got himself invited to dine tomorrow with us Nota Bene His Eyes upbraided me horridly for not writing What a happy Thing it is that one Pair of young Eyes are quicker than two of old ones As for my Father he never sees at all without his Spectacles and they are seldom made use of for the Contemplation of living Objects So farewell my Dear write soon to one who will always consider herself
Your most affectionate Friend Catharine Hartley
P S Do you know any thing of your Brother Sir Thorobred or when he returns to England I hope we shall find him a little more humanized and beginning to prefer the Society of his Fellow Creatures to that of his Horses
Miss RUGG to Miss HARTLEY
WoodstockApril
AS you know where I am my Dear Hartley you will not be unreasonable enough to expect News from me Indeed if I thought you did I would not attempt writing As you very truly suppose I see little Company beside Rooks and maiden Aunts and for Conversation I have none but what my Books afford me from which however though you may laugh I receive great Entertainment and I hope some Instruction But come Ill not fatigue you with Matters of this Sort and yet I have nothing
else to say for myself unless you chuse a Panegyric upon the Charming Mr Easy By the Bye he is an intimate Acquaintance of my Brothers I have seen him often and could almost find in my Heart to pull Caps for him if I was ever disposed to be so furious
The Post is just come in with a Letter for me Perhaps it may assist my Dearth of News so excuse my reading it And now it is read take it as a Substitute for any farther Nonsense of my own And it is from a young Man too though that will now I suppose be no particular Recommendation However as you ask after him in your Postcript I will send it It is from my Brother who is at the Hague and talks of
returning to England very speedily He writes in his usual metaphorical Stile and seems as fond of Roughriding as ever But I shall leave you to judge for yourself and conclude
My Dear Kitty
Yours most sincerely Maria Rugg
The Inclosed Letter from Sir THOBRED RUGG to his Sister
HagueApril
YOU and I Sister are certainly as different Animals as ever boasted the Privilege of Christianity and yet I believe we love one another Whether I long to see you or old England again I do not know but I certainly am thoroughly tired of these damnd Dutchmen Besides I have not stirred out of Stable except now and then to Exercise for this Month past with the Gout and my near Leg is devilishly puffd still about the Fetlock Is not this a sad Misfortune for a young
Fellow as I am just coming four and twenty And as to the Farriers or Apothecaries as they call them I never knew such a Pack of Blockheads in my Life Their Remedies may do very well for a Dutch Constitution but I am sure they are enough to ruin an English one The People too seem dreadfully stupid in general and there is scarce a rational RidingSchool or Turf CoffeeHouse in the Place Apropos I bought a restiff Dutch CoachHorse about six Weeks ago for four Pound ten to amuse my Mornings with and worked him up and down the Streets to the great Annoyance of the Burgomasters I very near broke my Neck last Night Coming Home late with two young Fellows that I
scraped Acquaintance with about three Days before I fell over a Sow that lay snoring in the Middle of the Street She turned round immediately to bite me but before she had Time to get up we tied her Neck and Heels with an Handkerchief dragged her to a purblind Apothecarys Door and swore there was a Woman in Labour Down he came in his Nightcap and we took to our Heels leaving him to deliver her as well as he could Adieu I hope to see England next Month or perhaps sooner
Yours ever Thorobred Rugg
Mrs MELMOTH to Mrs MANCEL
PallMallMay
My Dear Mother
YOU desire me in your last to to give you some Account of what is going forward in this gay World what public Diversions are chiefly frequented and in one Word what is the Ton The Newspapers you complain give such strange Accounts of Depravity of Morals Extravagance of Dress and epidemical Folly on all Sides that you cannot credit it and indeed I was almost as faithless as yourself till my own Eyesight
converted or at least convinced me For without ocular Demonstration Who as Gonzalez says in the Tempest
Would believe that there were Mountaineers
Dewlapt like Bulls whose Throats had hanging at them
Wallets of Flesh Or that there were such Women
Whose Heads stood in their Breasts But now
Ill believe both — and what does else want credit come to me
And Ill be sworn tis true Travellers neer lied
Tho Fools at Home condemn them—
Really the whole seems like a Dream to me and I shall not be thoroughly awake again till I get back into the Country To begin with our own Sex as we certainly claim the Preference in every Thing The human Face divine which was wont to possess some Share of Preeminence and with its natural
Appendage of Hair and a few artificial Ornaments formed the Capital of the Pillar — The human Face divine appears now according to the exact fashionable Proportion in the Middle of the Figure and a Lady of the Ton groaning under her enormous Superstructure of Hair Wool Pins Powder and Pomatum decorated and tricked out with her Flower Garden her Kitchen Garden and her Orchard her Cabbages her Radishes and her Apples looks as if she had ran away with some Milkmaids May Garland or was sinking under the complicated Ruin of a GreenGrocers Stall Mr Melmoth for to call him Husband would be utterly Gothic keeps a Chair for me to visit in but I fear
I must soon put him to the Expence of another as I find it morally impossible to move about in the same Vehicle with my Headdress which I design to be preceded by in future as the Knights were by their Helmet in Days of Chivalry Nor are the Men one whit behind us in Point of Extravagance and Absurdity I never see one of them on Horseback when the Sun shines but I think of the Knight of the Looking Glasses in Don Quixote with Buttons as large and as beautiful as the Brassplates on a Streetdoor To compensate however for this Extravagance their Waistcoats are generally laced like a Womans Stays and without any Buttons at all Then nobody can stir without two Watches so that a Man need
never be at a Loss to know how much Time he wastes and these decorated with enormous Gold Chains and as many Seals and Trinkets as would furnish a Jew Pedlars TravellingBox As for the Article of Buckles their Size may perhaps render them extremely serviceable as Bridges in crossing over a Kennel but for their Beauty I must beg to be excused A few Nights since I went to Stevenss Lecture upon Heads and was not a little entertained He ridicules all the fashionable Absurdities most excellently A Head he defines to be a Kind of Wen or Fungus or in the Language of Botanists a Sort of Bulbous Excrescence growing out between the Shoulders whose chief Use is to hang a Hat
upon have ones Hair drest upon and the like And so much for the Vanities of this Wicked World Next Week I believe we shall return to the Country as Mr Melmoth begins to think his Presence necessary amongst his Workmen and I poor vulgar Creature find myself almost tired with this perpetual Round of Confusion So very luckily both Husband and Wife are agreed in this Matter As I shall see you soon I will not prolong my Scrawl but conclude with an Ode I received lately from a Lady of my Acquaintance exceedingly applicable to the present Subject It was sent her from America by her Nephew who protests it is founded on Facts
however you may believe the Verity of it or not as you feel most disposed—
ODE
Twas near a lofty Mansions Side
Where big with Continental Pride
Met Bostons Patriot Race
Sublimest of the featherd Kind
Belinda British Dame reclined
Gazd Pensive in her Glass
The varying Glories of her Vest
Her towrcrownd Head denote her Drest
By Coteriean Laws
Her Plumes that might with Ostrich vie
Or buskind Chief in Tragedy
She sees and nods Applause
Still had she gazd when with rude Throng
An uncouth Vase borne swift along
Broke short each pleasing Dream
The featherd Coverings Silver Hue
Thro richest Plumage to the View
Betrayd a Sable Gleam
The hapless Nymph with Wonder viewd
With smotherd Laugh th inhuman Croud
In Expectation gathers
She stretchd her Hand to reach the Prize
What Female loves not Novelties
What British Female Feathers
Presumptuous Maid with Looks intent
Again she stretchd again she bent
Some clustring Plume to win
The slippery Verge her Grasp beguild
Whilst Blackguard Boys stood by and smild
She tumbled headlong in
Full swift emerging from the Tub
Her Eyes obscurd she strove to rub
And shriekd for Drops and Pity
No featherheaded Friend appeard
Nor Devonshire nor Derby heard
Her melancholy Ditty
From hence ye Beauties undeceivd
Know one false Step is neer retrievd
Belindas Fate beware
From Levity Misfortune grows
Thorns often lurk beneath the Rose
Beneath the Feathers Tar
Adieu my Dear Mother believe me
Yours with the utmost Affection Eliza Melmoth
CHRISTOPHER HARTLEY Esq to Sir ANTHONY ARTICHOKE
Hillstreet BerkeleysquareMay 24th past 12 at Night
My dear old Friend Sir Anthony
HAVING now been in London for some Weeks for you know I have been here ever since I left Staples I begin to think of writing to you to inquire after your Health and to mention such Circumstances as may have befallen me since our last Meeting It has always been my earnest Wish and Desire as you certainly must well remember I having frequently
opened myself on this Subject to you to procure for my Daughter a Man of deep Literature of profound and scientific Erudition as an Husband Learning says the Proverb is better than House and Land
For when House and Land are gone and spent
Then Learning is most excellent
and indeed I do not know how I should have weathered my Way through so many Years as I have done without it My Daughter is fond of gadding about and racketting at Public Places at present tis true but I dont doubt if I can meet with such an Husband for her she will be quite another Thing and then she may learn Logic and Mathematics and Greek
and that will be an everlasting Fund of Amusement even though they should live all the Year in the Country I do not much care about the Matter of Fortune in my Choice That will be no Object with me She is my only Child and I have enough for both of them But to come to the Point Do you know my good old Friend I really think I have found the Man I could wish for This very Evening I was drinking Tea at Mrs Cyphers when amongst other Questions enquiring after her Son who is of the University she told that he was gone upon a Visit to her Brother for a few Days that he was but just come up from Oxford and had with much Difficulty brought his Tutor Mr Pedant
with him a Gentleman of about thirty Years of Age and who was reputed one of the cleverest most learned most agreeable Men in the University but added she with a Sneer he has kept it all to himself as yet for though he has been here three Days he has not advanced farther than Negatives and Affirmatives in his Discourse However you will see him presently These Words were scarce out of her Mouth before the Door opened softly and in came Mr Pedant I rose from my Chair as he approached in which he immediately seated himself without uttering a Word I must own I thought this a little odd but learned Men will have their Oddities So I drew another and began
entering into a Discourse with him Whilst I confined myself to the Politics and Public Amusements of our Country I cannot say that I found him very Communicative This is certainly a Mark of Wisdom and Erudition But when at last I touched upon the Manners of the Ancients and the Difference between the Policy of those Times and our own I perceived his Chair sliding gradually nearer and nearer to me bringing himself along with it with his Eyes fixed earnestly on the Fender Presently he turned his Face towards me and in a half Whisper that the Rest of the Company might not hear our Discourse began with the Wrath of Achilles in a dozen Lines from Homer and before we parted which
was not till near ten oClock had given me a very compleat Epitome of the Grecian History interspersed with excellent Remarks and Greek Quotations from Herodotus Thucydides c which though I did not understand all of them and cannot say I absolutely remember any yet nevertheless gave me an infinite Degree of Pleasure and Satisfaction In short my old Friend you may suppose I was quite enraptured and immediately invited him to Breakfast with me the next Morning to which he at first appeared to assent very readily but when I mentioned my having a Daughter at Home who was young and handsome he seemed much disturbed and would fain have pretended an absolute Obligation
to return directly to Oxford I suppose he began to suspect my Intentions upon him and thought his Time too precious to be wasted in the Company of Women Indeed I in some Degree intimated my Wishes for such a Soninlaw which might give him sufficient Reason for his Distrust However I would not let him off So I hurried Home and having acquainted my Daughter with the happy Prospect she had of such a Husband and ordered her to prepare to receive him I could not help sitting down instantly to inform you of it and as I fear the Post is gone out will send it by the early Stage tomorrow tied up like a Parcel that you may receive this happy Intelligence as speedily as possible My
dear old Friend good bye to you I shall not sleep a Wink tonight
Your most true Friend Christopher Hartley
P S Mr Pedant said he should certainly go to Oxford in a Day or two
Miss HARTLEY to Miss RUGG
HillStreetMay
O My dear Girl what strange Things I have to tell you Such a Creature such a Lump of Learning has my Father picked out for my Husband You know his absurd Bigotry that way But I will scribble down the whole Transaction Last Night my Dear as I was just returned from two Routs and going to Dress for the Pantheon Masquerade half awake half asleep sitting on a Sopha in twenty Minds whether I should go or send an Excuse to my Party half eat up with the Spleen the Vapours
and that Kind of Ennuyant Nothingtodoishness which is worse than all the Rest—The Door flew open and in hurried my Father as fast as ever two Sticks and a Pair of gouty Legs could carry him My Dear Child says he make yourself happy Your utmost Wishes will be satisfied So thought I what the Deuce is in the Wind now My Dear Sir says I turning round to him what have you done Have you got me a Ticket for Lady Rackets Private Concert Concert quoth he No my Dear I have at last found out an Husband for you I met him this Night at Mrs Cyphers and have prevailed on him to Breakfast here tomorrow and pay you a Visit Well thought I this must
be a curious Creature indeed if it is of your chusing He is rather silent to be sure added he but you must talk to him Im sure he is very learned
After a little more Discourse of this Sort and five hundred Encomiums passed upon Mr Pedant for that is his Name off he went to Bed and for myself my Mind was too much engaged with the Drollery of the Adventure to suffer my going out that Night So I rang my Bell and went to Bed also dreamt all Night of nothing but Bookworms and Conjurers and at last waked in an horrible Fright with the Idea that I was almost squeezed to death by a great Dictionary that had fallen upon me from the Top of a Cupboard
In Process of Time as old story Books say Morning arrived which I had through mere Curiosity been longing for during the last three Hours almost as much as if I had been to see—any Body you chuse to guess at Between ten and eleven having waited some Time for Mr Pedant we sat down to Breakfast and just as the second Dish was poured out a double Knock proclaimed his Arrival The Room Door opened and in about half a Minute my Lover appeared His Method of Approach was to be sure somewhat singular Whilst the Door served him for a Screen his Advance was sideways somewhat in the Stile of a Crab with his Face close towards it This was followed by a sudden Evolution
upon the Heel to shut it after him in which Situation he remained near a Minute exhibiting one of the most ridiculous Back Fronts I ever beheld At last having atchieved this important Business he suffered us to take a Peep at his Face through the Medium of a dirty PocketHandkerchief which he had whipt up to his Nose at the Instant he turned towards us but never was any awkward Schoolboy when he comes home for the Holidays and finds his Mother in a Circle of Company half so gauche or decontenancé His Feet seemed fixed to the Ground at the awful Appearance of your humble Servant Really I never thought myself quite so terrible before By and by he advanced with the left Hand
fumbling in his Pocket as if he had lost Something and the other holding fast by the lower Button of his Coat but as Illluck would have it he had scarce proceeded three Steps when as he was gaping about for a Place to lay his Hat and a Chair to sit down on the sublime Majesty of my Presence assisted by a Corner of the Carpet according to the Doctrine of second Causes which his Foot happened to catch in so staggered him that down he prostrated at my Feet like a Persian before the Sun Poor Man I thought he had been in a Fit at first Should not you my Dear So I ran up to him and dropping upon one Knee My dear Mr Pedant this is Adoration indeed Nothing Apoplectic Nothing
of the Dead Palsy sure You are not hurt I hope No he was not he said with an Air sufficiently inelegant and at the same Instant rising with all the Hurry of Awkwardness not so nimbly however but that he contrived to tear my Apron and crush my Fathers gouty Toe in his Recovery he squatted in the first Chair he came to which happened to be mine and sliding one Leg softly over the other fixed his Eyes upon his Shoe with a Look of Contemplation which I believe would have continued till this Time if nobody had disturbed him Well nothing is so odious as to see a Man in a brown Study or what is still worse picking his Thumbs and buttoning and unbuttoning his
Waistcoat like a City Taylor trying an illmade Suit of Cloaths on In this Attitude however did he contrive to drink a Dish of Tea which I carried him and to eat two or three Pieces of Bread and Butter As soon as the Breakfast Things were taken away my Father that he might not spoil Courtship rose to leave the Room His poor Companion though he had all the Dread of altering his Position as strong upon him as ever could not resist the Attraction but absolutely varied his Attitude and stealing his Head over his Shoulder by Degrees like a Boy that is afraid of an Apparition after he has been hearing frightful Stories eyed him wishfully to
the Door and if mauvaise honte had not for once stood his Friend would I dare say have given up all his Stock of Politeness to have followed him
He cast one longing lingering Look behind
We were now left to ourselves I in that odd Kind of dubious Humour which a Woman feels when she is in half a Dozen Minds whether to be cross or not found myself monstrously disposed for a little illnatured Raillery whilst my Swain so far from languishing with all the Ardour of an expiring Inamorato or opening his unhappy Case with a Sigh of Despondency endeavoured to entertain himself as aforesaid by squeezing
and twisting his Fingers and distorting his Countenance like a starved Frog in a Fit of the Cholic
True Love they say is always accompanied with Fear It deprives the most Eloquent of the Powers of Speech embarrasses the easy and polite Man and in short turns the whole human System topsy turvey If this be true and if it be true likewise that Mr Pedant is a polite and agreeable Man as my Father tells me he must be most desperately smitten indeed and I fear poor Fellow from the little Encouragement he is likely to receive from me will very soon put an End to himself or resume his Sciences which I believe will
be much the same Thing to the World in general
Well my Dear for two whole Hours I tormented him with a continued String of Commonplace Chitchat and every day Questions in which I was much assisted by the two Miss Yaffles who accidentally dropt in upon me I abused the Cut of his Coat informed him his Waistcoat was too long in the Pockets and enquired whether his Taylor was a Frenchman I asked him how he liked the new Opera whether he was at the Pantheon last Monday and told him I heard that he was a Proprietor of Ranelagh When I flagged for a Minute my Companions opened upon him and kept up an incessant Annoyance which he endured
not so much from Patience I believe as from the Horrors of making a Bow if he left us At last a polite Thundering at the Door like an additional Broadside determined him and considering that if he did not depart immediately the Enemy would receive a Reinforcement he jumped up from his Chair in an Instant and retreated like the American Army in a Gazette with the utmost Confusion
Alas poor Easy thou art ignorant what a dangerous Rival opposes thee But I do not think you will remain long so if it is in mine or my Fathers Power to acquaint you with it Here is the State of the Case An agreeable young Fellow introduces himself to
my Father at Bath and by the assistance of quick Parts and a long CockandBull Story works himself completely into his good Graces Soon after it is thought necessary that I should be married and for this Purpose my wise Parent picks out as I verily believe one of the awkwardest Boobies in the whole Kingdom of GreatBritain for his Daughter to pay her Addresses to However a Confidant is thought requisite to talk Matters over with and now of all the Birds in the Air who would you suppose the quicksighted old Gentleman pitches upon but this very agreeable young Fellow this identical Easy whose Attachment to this very Daughter of his if he
had had the Sight of a Mole he must have discovered over and over again before this Time
This last Business of the Confidant I gathered from some Hints he dropped today for so much is his Mind occupied between his own Plan of Operations and his Investigation of what perhaps never happened among the Ancients that no Possibility ever enters his Head of the Enemys being employed in counteracting him If I dont see the dear Fellow in a Day or two Ill write to him however that he may be prepared to receive this great Trust and Secret with due Composure of Countenance Adieu my dear Rugg expect farther Dispatches
speedily with the freshest Intelligence
Yours till Marriage at least For then I suppose I must belong entirely to my Husband Catharine Hartley
WILLIAM EASY to CHARLES MELMOTH
TempleMay 27th Ten oClock at Night
O CHARLES O my Friend I am ruined I am undone I who last Night about this Time was the most happy Man breathing am now the most miserable I am betrayed robbed murdered and thrown into a Ditch Such were or at least such would be the Sounds of some despairing Booksellers Prentice if he caught his favourite Delia in Bed with a Chimneysweeper Such Plaints such miserable Exclamations would
he blubber forth from the Abundance of his Masters Circulating Library when he found a Child sworn to him by his Mistress whose Creation he was conscious of having never assisted in But I Charles whom Difficulty does but encourage who find my Ardour increase in Proportion to the Obstacles I am to encounter shall tell you in plain English and in perfect Composure that I am rivalled in Miss Hartleys Affections Perhaps now you think me rather too Easy after such a Discovery I fancy however you will not be of that Opinion when I let you a little into the Character of my Opponent and the Means by which I became acquainted with the Affair His Name is Pedant his
Profession a College Tutor his Age I guess at about Thirty for I remember him well at the University about three Years longer standing than myself He is one of that particular Species of Beings who at School gain the Imputation of something uncommonly clever from a Kind of solitary Vanity and Affectation of Manliness which they have about them who never join in any of the Sports of their Schoolfellows but instead of playing at Cricket or Football on an Holiday pretend to read Greek under a Tree for their Amusement in Imitation of the old Pagans I suppose in the hallowed Groves of Academe and are for ever puzzling their Leisure Hours with Authors that they are not required to look
into and cannot possibly understand With this Stock of Knowledge they are sent to the University where they probably get a Scholarship or some little Emolument of that Sort Their Mind is now bewildered in all the Labyrinths of Science and having in the Course of about seven Years sufficiently perplexed themselves with Mathematics sophisticated themselves with Logic and got through all the Farce and methodized Nonsense necessary for taking Degrees the Generals Juraments Wall Lectures and Examinations they start up all at once Masters of Arts Tutors and Governors of their College a Set of the most erudite insolent awkward uncivilized Animals that ever honoured an University
or disgraced all other Parts of a Kingdom In Regard to the History of the Day or how the World goes as we say their Ignorance of present Occurrences is equalled by nothing but their thorough Acquaintance with the Statesmen Warriours and Demireps of Antiquity They are all a thousand Years behind Hand and I dare say would give a much better Account of the Bellum Peloponnesiacum the Pestilence that raged among the Athenians or the Burning of Rome by Nero the Emperor than they could possibly do of the present Contest with America the dreadful Effects of the late terrible Influenza or the firing Portsmouth Dockyard by John the Painter Strip their Gowns from their
Shoulders and lock them out of their Library their magical Powers are at an End and if they were turned loose in London in this Situation they would be far more at a Loss in every Respect than the late imported Specimen of Savages from the Islands of the South Remember as Caliban says of Prospero
First to possess his Books for without them
Hes but a Sot as I am and hath not
One Spirit to command—Burn but his Books
Well my dear Friend do you think you should know this Rival from the Description I have given and do you think there is much to be feared from him all Circumstances considered Miss Hartley
laughs at him and tormented him so completely the last Visit he made her which by the Bye was the first and that owing to her Fathers pressing Invitation that I suspect he will soon fly off in a Tangent and have nothing farther to say to her But now for the Means by which I gained all this Knowledge This whole Day has been spent with old Hartley As soon as we were left to ourselves after Dinner he began with Mr Pedant and in about half an Hour unfolded his Plan of Operations to me as completely as I could have wished▪ concluding with desiring my Assistance as Confidant That before he left London which would not be till the End of July he meant
to visit Oxford whither he hoped I would accompany him and that he should if possible prevail upon Pedant to spend some Time with him in Dorsetshire During this Discourse you may guess I was in a most ridiculous Situation However I smothered my Astonishment tolerably well and entirely acquiesced in every Thing pretending to approve his Plan highly After Tea the old Gentleman took a Nap and consequently gave me the Opportunity of a charming Tête à Tête with my Kitty as I hope she will be which I believe did not much promote Mr Pedants Interest On Saturday he departs to Oxford as I shall immediately to
Bed and defer the Conclusion of this Letter till tomorrow Good Night to you
W Easy
EASY in Continuation
May 28th Friday Morning
IF you find any Thing abrupt or unconnected in this second Part of my Letter you must attribute it to the ridiculous Manner in which I was waked this Morning Between seven and eight oClock an Hour when you know nobody is stirring in London except Dustmen and Chimneysweepers with here and there an accidental Milkmaid or a Carriage returning from the Masquerade I was roused from a very sound Sleep by a violent and incessant Thundering at my Door By the Time I had
opened my Eyes and turned about to see what was the Matter I discovered the Author of all this Riot who had forced his Way in and was standing by my Bedside He was a very shabby looking Fellow about the middle Size with an old rusty Hat flapped over his Face a threadbare Coat of coarse blue Kersey close buttoned and in his Hand a very inimical Oak Staff of at least two Inches diameter For some Time I was in doubt whether to consider him as a Thief Thieftaker or Bailiff three Characters I am exceedingly averse to being connected with and should probably have laboured much longer under this Uncertainty had I not recognized the Voice of our old Friend and
Schoolfellow Sir Thorobred Rugg who arrived in England about three Days before and now made his Appearance with the Intention of breakfasting with me Whilst I was dressing he entertained me with the Detail of some of his Holland Exploits How he had terrified two Jew Merchants into a Fit of Illness by committing the dark Deed of Nature on their Sabbath with a mad Dutchwoman under a Hedge whom he gave a Schelling for her Trouble and had his Pocket picked into the Bargain How he had got drunk about a Week before he left the Hague and had thrown two Clappermen into one of the Canals having first packed them up carefully in a Couple of fourdozen Hampers
And finally how he had been rambling half over London last Night with his two Friends Jack Surcingle and Tom Fetlock whom he had met by Accident at the Piazza Coffeehouse How they had all been to a great Fire that had happened somewhere or other though he had forgot where that he had ran up one of the Ladders and brought down a Woman and Child from a two pair of Stairs Room that was burning had drank Purl with the Firemen and as he was coming home had got into an empty Watchbox and made a oneeyed Watchman take to his Heels and drop his Staff and Lantern by jumping out upon him and crying boh as he was returning to his Stand from the Alehouse
and how he had hung up another to the Hooks of a Butchers Shambles by the Waistband of his Breeches
By the Time these Histories were finished I was dressed and ready for Breakfast when just as the first Dish of Tea was poured out he recollected that his Face had not been washed since his Arrival in England and ran immediately to my washing Stand This however did not answer his Purpose as the Bason which I had just been using was not emptied That it was possible to throw its Contents out of the Window and fill it with clean Water never once occurred to him if one may judge from the Method he substituted which was no other than dipping the Corner
of the Breakfast Cloth into his Teacup and wiping himself with his dirty Pocket Handkerchief My Breakfast and his Ablution being finished he turned his Face towards the Lookingglass and unluckily discovered that shaving also was in some Degree proper as he was engaged out to Dinner So all necessary Implements being produced for the Purpose he began his Operation but had scarcely cleared one Side of his Countenance when the injudicious Motion of the under Jaw occasioned by some sudden Remark he was about to make laid the Razor a full half Inch into his Cheek Blood followed pretty plentifully as you may imagine This however being staunched by scraping
from his Hat the small Quantity of Nap that remained there and applying to the Wound he determined to avoid risquing a second Incision by leaving the other Side of his Face untouched and having staid with me about an Hour longer he sallied out to pay a few more Morning Visits and from thence to the House whither he was engaged to Dinner
If ever Man had Pretensions to Originality surely this has and yet with all his Oddities and Foibles one cannot help liking him He is I really think a very worthy Fellow at Bottom and has a good Heart Old Thistleberry the Parson of his Parish in Yorkshire is dead lately and he means to present Tom Fetlock who is in Orders
to the Living In a few Days he goes to Woodstock upon a Visit to his Uncle and Sister and from thence to Foxhall his Yorkshire Seat His Sister I believe accompanies him thither and I am engaged to pay him a Visit when I can find Leisure This I fancy will soon take place as I should wish to spend some Time there and must nevertheless return to London early enough to attend old Hartley on his curious Oxford Expedition Vive Vale farewell
Yours W Easy
CHARLES MELMOTH to WILLIAM EASY
Melmoth PlaceJune
YOUR last Letter my dear Easy was really a great Treat to me and I give you Joy of your Rival from the Bottom of my Soul What a Fund of Entertainment must he be to Miss Hartley his intended Wife if he accepts her Fathers Invitation into Dorsetshire which however I have my Doubts about How often will his Presence be useful Vice Cotis instead of a Whetstone to sharpen her Wit upon and relieve her
Spirits from the dreadful Dejection of a Country Atmosphere Though I dont think her one of those mad Girls who can never exist but in the Noise and Dissipation of London She likes it very much when she is there tis true as indeed is natural enough but I really believe her capable of spending her Summer in the Country with no other Diversions than her Books her Horse and her Husband provided she is fond of him and now and then the Variety of visiting in a good Neighbourhood This at least is the Opinion I have been inclined to entertain from what I have heard or seen of her since the Night you introduced me at Ranelagh and you know I pique myself upon a ready Discernment
even into Womens Characters The Contrast between Pedant and our Friend Sir Thorobred in the first and second Parts of your Letter is exceedingly ridiculous and upon Paper makes no bad Figure How exquisite must a Meeting be between them I remember we had many of those walking Libraries at Cambridge I am glad the said Sir Thorobred is returned from the Hague my Compliments when you go down As you wisely remark there is something very original in the Composition of that Man Take away his excessive Passion for Horses and yet as every Body has their Hobbyhorse the Object perhaps may as well be real as metaphorical His Imitation of Charles the Twelfth in all the
negative Excellencies of dirty Face and Hands old blue Coats and Brass Buttons and that strange Extravagance and Wildness which is sometimes the Cause of good and sometimes of foolish Actions just as it happens which as Whim and Humour prompt will induce him to rescue a Woman out of a Fire or to throw a Waiter into one take away all this I say and he is a very rational Fellow As to Sense he is possessed of very quick natural Parts though I cannot say much for their Cultivation Literature he never was particularly fond of and when at the University the illiberal Manners of its Teachers greatly contributed I believe to make him despise the one for the Faults of the
other and throw it up entirely This was my general Opinion of his Character when I last saw him and by your Account of his Morning Visit in the Temple his Travels do not seem to have produced the least Alteration I may add likewise as the finishing Stroke to his Picture and which indeed the utter Neglect of his Person somewhat prepares one for that in Regard to all the Minutiae of Life if I may so call them such as snuffing a Candle without throwing the Snuff about mending a Pen tearing a Piece of Paper evenly or sealing a Letter without burning both it and his own Fingers with five Hundred other little Excellencies of this Sort he has not the least Idea of them Now whether
this proceeds from a natural and innate Awkwardness in such Matters or a Degree of Absence and Inattention to them I never yet could determine For if he wanted a Pair of clean Stockings and his Servant should bring a Silk and a Thread one or a Pair with half a dozen great Holes in them he would put them on without perceiving either the one or the other All these Peculiarities Easy you are full as well acquainted with as myself but upon mentioning his Name I could not help falling into Remarks and scribbling my Paper with them
To return now to the Beginning of your Letter for I will not trouble you this Time with any Hobbyhorsical Intelligence of my
Buildings and Alterations I am very sorry to find myself under the disagreeable Necessity of reprobating that profane Ridicule of modern Novels with which you open your Misfortunes and at the same Time must take the Liberty of informing you that What should be great you turn to Farce as Prior says I will not wish you punished by the Insertion of a Ladle or to search farther into Antiquity for a Quotation What is Sport to you is Death to us Vide Aesops Fable of the Boys and Frogs To speak more plainly though your London Volatility may prompt you to laugh at every Thing that speaks feelingly to the softer Passions that tells the sad Tale of disappointed Love or
breathes amidst innumerable Stars and Dashes the Strains of Refinement and Sensibility our Country Swains and Damsels are very differently affected by them To promote your Conversion if that be possible I desire you will read the inclosed Letter which was found a few Days since in a Closet in one of the Garrets and by the Signature appears to have been written by Mrs Melmoths last Maid who quitted her about a Twelvemonth ago I always thought there was something particular and romantic in the Girl and suspected a Love Affair at the Bottom The Argument of the inclosed is as follows That John oNokes and herself felt a mutual Attachment to each other and that she had almost given her
Consent to marry him but that unluckily Tom OStiles becoming acquainted with her about that Time is likewise desperately smitten Upon this he declares his Passion and she though not experiencing any similar Inclination on her Part and being also previously engaged is nevertheless worked up to such a Pitch of general Philanthropy and Sentiment and Pathos c c c as to determine that she will marry neither of them and by this noble Selfdenial according to our dull Apprehensions at least she makes three People unhappy instead of one Whether she took her Idea from Footes Primitive Puppetshow I cannot pretend to say As to the Letter it appears to
have been written just before she quitted our Place and whither she went afterwards nobody knows hereabouts However I send you the Original and leave you to decipher it at your Leisure
About ten oClock last Night I was not a little surprised by the Appearance of my Brother George at MelmothPlace when I imagined him treading the Paths of Slaughter in America I cannot say his Looks are much improved by the Expedition Indeed he says that he has hardly enjoyed a Days good Health since he left England and as the Climate does not at all agree with his Constitution he has obtained Leave of Absence and has some Thoughts of resigning his Commission and entirely quitting
the Army which he mentioned to General Howe before his Departure He says he had written a Letter to me about two Months since which I suppose must have miscarried One of his first Enquiries was after Miss Rugg for whom you know he always professed a certain Tendre as far at least as his Nature is capable of so I dare say if she goes down to Yorkshire with Sir Thorobred you will soon see him there He still retains his Attachment to Morocco Pocket Books Shagreen Toothpick Cases and Orange Flower Pomade and continues to read Lord Chesterfields Letters with much Devotion though I dont think he imbibes any of the pernicious Parts of them Apropos—
he talks of writing a long Letter to you soon on the Presumption of which Event taking Place I think it high Time to subscribe myself as I really am
Yours sincerely Charles Melmoth
The Inclosed Letter
TIS past the fatal Trial is over and my Resolutions are invincibly fixed What have been my Sensations what have been my Sufferings since I last saw you Roger But alas such is the Unhappiness of my Destiny why was I born to such a Load of unmerited Misfortune why was my Life marked out for one continued Scene of Misery and Distress It is too—too much my Soul sinks under it and with a weak tremulous Languor wafts its Prayers incessant to the Throne of Mercy to put a
finite Period to the peculiar Wretchedness of its Existence
How happy was our last Meeting when we passed our Sunday Evening in the Fields of — The Country seemed to glow with unusual Verdure whilst before us the Prospect wide extending itself incorporated its boundless Limits in the blue Distance of Immensity The May Thorn breathed forth its bitter Fragrance and every Bush was impregnated with the mellifluous Lays of the Thrush and the Nightingale The very Daisies smiled at our Felicity whilst the Butterflowers rearing high their yellow Heads sought to emulate
the Tranquillity of the golden Age
We proceeded to Lord D—s Park A fine River winds its Way in serpentine Meandrings through the green Verdure of its Banks At the Source in a reclining Posture is a Figure of Neptune in Stone incomparably executed His right Arm rests upon an Urn from whence the Stream disgorging itself rushes onward with an impetuous Torrent forming a most beautiful Cascade Hark didnt I hear Betty call me Ill just step down stairs for a Minute to see what she wants Oh tis nothing but the Man with Fish We dont want any today
We seated ourselves by the Side of it and gazed at the Multitude
of litttle Fishes which leaping incessantly after the Flies that skimmed upon its Surface dimpled the Water with innumerable Circles Around us Herds of spotted Deer were roving or stretched incumbent on the rushy Banks fearless of Acteons fate—Another Interruption my Mistresss Bell rings What can she want with me— I am just returned from her Im quite out of Breath twas only to fetch some Water to wash her Hands with
On a sudden a dark Cloud as if envious of our Felicity and ominously portending the sad Reverse that awaited us obscured the Face of the Sun which till then had shone upon us with undiminished Lustre A heavy Storm of Rain
succeeded and we were compelled to take Shelter in a Grotto at the Corner of the Wood where
Here several Lines are entirely obliterated Hiatus valde deflendus
I was sitting in my Mistresss Closet the Family were gone out to pay a Visit My right Leg resting its Ancle upon my left Knee sustained itself horizontally whilst I mended a Hole in my new Cotton Stockings Dear Cotton Stockings ye pure Emblems of my Rogers Love A gentle Tap at the Door—my Heart palpitated as I heard it I fancied it might be you The Tap was repeated but with a Sound methought expressive
of Unhappiness and Submission I was at that Instant endeavouring to push a fresh Piece of Thread through the Eye of my Needle Come in I cried with a Tone of Surprise and Irresolution The Door opened With a Face wan and deathlike he stood before me—Twas Humphrey the poor unhappy Humphrey On his Countenance had seated itself a fixed Melancholy His Lips quivered with Sorrow but he remained speechless before me Judge the Wretchedness of my Situation The Thread dropt from my Hand and I stuck the Needle into my † Blood immediately
followed the Stroke and I suffered a considerable Degree of Anguish But alas what was that Pain compared to my mental Affliction He drew a Chair and seated himself by me without speaking a Word On a sudden he caught my Hand and looking stedfastly on my Face while the Tears started from his Eye uttered the following Words mingled with his Sighs
I come not Mrs Susan here his Voice faultered and he wiped his Nose with his Sleeve I come not Mrs Susan I say here he recovered himself a little
and proceeded in a rather firmer Tone
to displeasure you any more upon the Subject of Matrimony as I did before knowing well that you do not like me and besides that you are already engaged to Roger So alas theres an End of all Hopes on that Head for me But I hope you wont be angry with me for coming to take my last farewell of you For indeed I could not help coming to see you before I went
Went cried I with a Voice of the utmost Pity and Surprize
and whither art thou going
Im going cried he sniveling
to—to—list for a Soldier I cant bear to see you belong to another Man—You were the guiding Star of my Destiny to
guide me on my Way but when you are set in the Arms of another Im sure I cant no I never can stand it
At these Words he started from his Chair and with a Look of wild Disorder slamd the Door and left me
Poor Soul How I pitied him Tis true I never liked him and that I am almost engaged to be thy Wife But shall I for the Sake of my own Happiness be so selfish as to make a Fellow Creature miserable for ever What shall I do how shall I act in this embarrassing Dilemma Shall I No—Happiness could never be my Lot Even in thy Arms I should Let us exert our Reason
Roger let us call our Fortitude to our Assistance The Fates have decreed us to be unhappy but it is in our own Power whether we shall make others so If I am condemned to be wretched it will at least be some Consolation amidst the Bitterness of my Distresses some Alleviation of my insuperable Anguish to reflect that I have not contributed to the Misery of another If I am excluded from every Ray of Comfort and compelled to wander in the dark Paths and Labyrinths of Adversity Ah Roger I conceive his Misery the
Pains of Labour he must endure what intolerable Hardships
From the World I seclude myself for ever such is my fixed Resolution Before this reaches you I leave my Place and quit this Part of the Country Enquire no farther To find me out you need not endeavour I go where you will never more hear of the most unfortunate of her Sex Adieu— Farewell — for e—ver
Susannah Sentiment
Miss HARTLEY to Miss RUGG
HillstreetJune
MY dear Rugg how long do you mean to keep that odious Name by you I protest it gives one the Idea of something uncivilized even in the writing it and disperses every finer Idea one might have to communicate Besides tis so wholly inconsistent with your Character Do look out for a young Fellow with something delicate and piano in his Appellation and with a Disposition suited to your own Shall I recommend one to you Or will you accept of
one of mine Easy I cannot spare but you are welcome to my Fathers Friend Mr Pedant at least as soon as I am tired with teasing him He is returned to Oxford the fittest Place for him What think you of the Name How would the Title of Mrs Pedant Wife and Bedmaker to a College Tutor sound in your Ears
Not to joke longer I have really a great Piece of News for you and something to propose seriously to your Consideration in the Matrimonial Way As for myself I believe I never shall think seriously of any Thing till I am married and then I suppose I must draw myself up with my Hands before me talk with a grave Face about the Cares of a Family and deliberate
with my Housekeeper for two Hours every Morning what Piece of salting Beef should be ordered from the Butcher and whether a Gooseberry or a Currant Pye will be best for Dinner
Come now for the News Easy dined with us a Day or two ago and amongst other Intelligence told us that he had received a Letter from his Friend Charles Melmoth mentioning the Return of his Brother the Captain from America on Account of the Climate not agreeing What think you of him for a Caro Sposo If I recollect he was an old Flame of yours before he went abroad
O I beg Leave to congratulate you likewise upon your Brothers Arrival The Name of Rugg was
for him and him only Pray present my respectful Compliments and tell him I rejoice to find he makes his public Entry in the Morning Post with so much Eclat I have seen him there with some Circumstances in Regard to the Course of his Travels which were entirely new to me
Such a Day arrived in England Sir T— R— commonly known by the Name of the rough riding or Thoroughbred Baronet from his Travels to the Country of the Houyhnhnms He is said to be much improved by this Expedition and has brought over with him a fine Houyhnhnm Stallion with two Yahoos to look after it He is the second European that ever
visited those Parts and is reported to have detected many Errors in Captain Lemuel Gullivers Account which it is hoped he will soon favour the Public with
A few Days afterwards appears the following Paragraph
We are sorry to inform the Public of the Death of one of the Animals called Yahoos lately imported by a certain Rugg—ed Baronet which happened on Wednesday last
It was occasioned a Correspondent informs us by the following Accident The Animal it seems having some Time before been very refractory and having even killed a Servant who attempted to chastise him was obliged to be
closely confined On Wednesday Morning however his Keepers unchained him and having as they thought sufficiently secured him with Ropes put him into a Cart in Order to remove him when unluckily the Rope about his Neck having a slip Knot to it entangled with a Post not far from the Oxford Road Turnpike and instantly strangled him Dr Hntr is said to be making Interest for the Body for Dissection as he proposes mounting the Skeleton upon that of the Queens Elephant which he lately had the Honour to anatomize
O the Liberty of the Press we may well cry out that glorious Privilege of Englishmen Pray
tell me though in sober serious Sadness is all this true I have a monstrous Mind to write a long Letter to your Brother upon the Subject and protest that I believe every Word of it I find he intends taking you into Yorkshire with him I wish he would bring you to London to keep me Company for a Month for my Father for Reasons of State which I cannot dive thoroughly to the Bottom of has determined to continue here till the End of July or Beginning of August Easy tells me that he has an Oxford Jaunt in his Head and means to transplant Pedant into Dorsetshire What a charming Country Companion he must make for a Tête à Tête in an Arbour to pick up ones Ball of
Knotting or put ones Calash on with mathematical Precision Never need I be afraid of my Cap or Handkerchief being pinned awry when that happy Time arrives Besides I dare say as far at least as Things future may be conjectured from past my fathers great Wisdom will insist upon Easys accompanying us in his Capacity of Confidant and Confessor to the Party to forward this intended Match of mine In Expectation of these blessed Events I conclude without farther Ceremony Ma chere Marie
Yours Catharine Hartley
Remember I shall be very angry with you though if that demure prudish little Phiz of yours makes any Attempts upon the Fidelity of my Knight Errant when I venture him down in the North with you
CHRISTOPHER HARTLEY Esq to Sir ANTHONY ARTICHOKE
HillStreetJune
WELL my old Friend Matters go on swimmingly between Mr Pedant and Kitty He came according to his Promise the next Morning to Breakfast and very glad I was to see him However he did not seem much inclined to talk whilst I was there which I suppose was owing to an Unwillingness to declare himself before a third Person So as soon as Breakfast was finished I quitted the Room that he might feel himself
more free and unembarassed when left alone with my Daughter And by the Sequel it proved that this Step of mine was very judicious for I went immediately into my Study which is next to the Room they sat in and listening attentively I soon found they had begun a Conversation together and though I could not hear what it was about yet I am sure my Daughter was very well pleased with him for I heard her laugh heartily Sometime after I could distinguish two other female Voices which upon Enquiry I found to appertain to the Miss Yaffles These seemed join in the Discourse which now grew louder and louder mixed with incessant Peals of Merriment As for Mr Pedant nothing could
be a stronger Proof of his Satisfaction than that he could hardly prevail upon himself to quit them for I believe he stayed there near four Hours So I have no Doubt in my own Mind but that he is a little hampered in the Charms of the Fair for even the most learned of us sometimes feel ourselves subject to the Passion of Love If he should what a happy Thing it will be for my Daughter Her Fortune will be made at once and I can tell her such Husbands are not to be met with every Day However I do not say much upon the Subject to her because I think these Things always turn out best when left to themselves but I have contrived such a Plan as must necessarily increase the Intimacy between
them insomuch that if I have any Skill in Prophecy Matters will be brought to a Conclusion before the End of the Summer I shall not let you any farther into the Secret before the first Part of my Design has actually taken Place as upon that the Success of the whole in a great Measure depends Not that I have the least Fear of its failing for I have a Confidant to assist me in the Business by whose Diligence and Exertions I have no Doubt of all Things being brough• to a right Issue Who he is I shall not inform you at present a Secresy you know is the Soul of Conspiracy and they say Walls have Ears but shall proceed now with transcribing my Sentiments on a Subject which indeed I should
have mentioned much sooner had not my Proceedings and Considerations concerning my Daughters Marriage left me hardly a Moment to spare for any other Business I mean the Nihil or Nothing of the Schoolmen which if you recollect we disputed about for three Afternoons at Staples when neither of us being able to make his Ideas on the Subject at all clear to the Understanding of the other we left off just where we begun
Now I am inclined to think that there is a very considerable Distinction and Difference to be made between Nothing as taken in its strict and confined Sense and Nothing taken in its more general and extensive one Nothing taken strictly seems to be that which is impossible
and implies an absolute Contradiction whereas Nothing taken more generally is applied both to what is possible as well as what is impossible Again Nothing may be distinguished into a Negative which is the Absence of Reality in any Subject and then there is Nothing privative which is the Absence of Reality in a Subject capable thereof or wherein it ought to be found And as to the Possibility or Impossibility of a Thing, we know that to be impossible which exceeds or is beyond all possible Bounds and which in short can never happen And if this be true it necessarily follows according to the Argument deduced from Contraries that whatsoever does not exceed or go beyond those
Bounds but which from its not exceeding is consequently and necessarily contained therein may be denominated or considered as a Thing possible or to be done And of Things possible there are several Species First there is the probable or what is likely to come to pass then there is the improbable or unlikely which nevertheless is a Species of the possible inasmuch as many Things may be very possible though they are very improbable And in Regard to Things probable and improbable it is often very probable that a Thing should happen contrary to all Probability as —
O Fallacem Hominum Spem fragilemque Fortunam et inanes nostras Contentiones
says Cicero
—I have been this Quarter of an Hour seeking after the Continuation of my Treatise which was written upon an old Letter Cover and upon enquiring of my Servant if he knew any thing of the Matter have the Unhappiness to find that before this Time it has been made Use of in cleaning a Gridiron or singeing a Fowl or some such culinary Employment as he informed me that he had seen the Housemaid bringing a considerable Quantity of Papers down Stairs in the Morning which she had given to the Cook for the Use of the Kitchen and which me said
she supposed were of no Signification as she had looked at them and coudnt make nothing out of em and they laid about and
lookd littering in Masters Room
—Well what a provoking Circumstance this is and particularly at present as my Thoughts are so taken up with Mr Pedant and my Daughter that I shall hardly find Time to compose it over again Therefore my dear old Friend and Cousin God be with you
Christopher Hartley
Sir THOROBRED RUGG to WILLIAM EASY Esq
WoodstockJune
HERE I am Easy according to my Intentions paying a Visit to my Uncle or Sister and enjoying the Benefit of a Fortnights Grass in Oxfordshire In a few Days however I think of being led down to Foxhall and my Sister has promised to accompany me by way of arranging my Domestic Matters a little The Stable I consider as my own Department so shall not permit her to interfere
there I came down here upon a Hack I bought at Tattersalls which I meant to have rode to Yorkshire but a damnd Brute of my Uncles one of the Carthorses kicked him plump on the Stifle Yesterday Morning as they were in the Field together He is a develish clever Gelding A dark Chesnut fifteen Hands and an Inch fine Forehand rather too much Daylight under him but gets on hellishly a remarkable Gift of going a very good Mouth and he shall be a sound one however So I shall be obliged to kick myself down upon Posthorses as for a Chaise I hate it and leave him behind me for the present I met Tom Fetlock the Day I saw you and desired him to come to Foxhall
as soon as he could that I should be down in ten Days or a Fortnight and expected to find him ready to receive me Pray when do I see you there I hope speedily I have a little grey Poney with a hoggd Mane will just suit your sober Stile of riding It is what you would call as quiet as a Lamb and I a damnd Slugg or a Jackass At least it was so before I went Abroad I used sometimes to ride him to cover but hes got almost too old for Work now I never regretted any thing so much in my Life since the Day I strained Black Sloven leaping a Turnpike Gate as I did losing the last Hunting Season in Holland Poor Fellow he never was worth Sixpence
afterwards though I got him tolerably well of that too but then and what the Devil was the Meaning of it I cant conceive there came a Windgall in the near Fetlock behind So I opened the Swelling about an Inch and squeezed out the Jelly and put some white of Egg and Oil of Bays with Tow to it but I believe it was too much amongst the Sinews for I was obliged to sell him at last to March at Maidenhead who fired him and worked him on the Road Adieu
Yours Thorobred Rugg
Miss RUGG to Miss HARTLEY
WoodstockJune
MANY Thanks my Dear for your two very communicative Letters Upon my Word you have tormented poor Pedant in such a Manner that I fear your Charms will hardly be able to prevent his running away not with but from you Tomorrow my Brother departs for Yorkshire on Horseback as usual accompanied by your humble Servant in a Chaise Should nothing material prevent I shall probably spend great Part of the Summer with him as he seems to
wish much for my Company besides Easys Appearance there will certainly be an additional Inducement and we are not without Hopes of seeing Captain Melmoth at least my Brother designs giving him an Invitation Somehow or other I wish he may come down to us He is such an agreeable convenient Man in the Country and he is always so ready to ride or walk or do just as I please with Do not imagine from this now that I have any Thoughts of him in a serious Way notwithstanding your Recommendation And yet if I was obliged to submit to an Husband I think I might like him well enough provided that he was not in the Army But that Circumstance believe me would be
an invincible Barrier supposing all other Matters could be brought about of which however there is not the least Prospect and therefore let us drop the Subject
My Brother returns you many Thanks for the Honour of your obliging Enquiries as well as for the Paragraphs relative to his Travels which you were so kind as to transcribe What dreadful Fatigues he must have undergone in America if one half of the Newspaper Accounts are true As to his being improved by his Expedition he desires me to tell you that he is infinitely the worse for it I fear or he would hardly have quitted the Country on Account of his Health however at all Events I am glad he is returned—Good God what Nonsense
have I written Well Kitty since the Discovery is made I will not erase my Weakness Interpret me as you please That I may not however add to my Folly I beg Leave instantly to subscribe myself
Your most affectionate Maria Rugg
WILLIAM EASY to CHARLES MELMOTH
FoxhallJune
Dear Melmoth
I AM just at this present Minute in as bad a Humour for Letterwriting as any private Gentleman need be You see I confine myself to Privates for Statesmen and Secretaries methinks should be allowed some greater Degree of Latitude for their Displeasures on this Head as being more perpetually tormented with it Youll find by my Date where my Quarters are I have been here about a Week just
Time enough to assist at the Reception of your Brother who arrived but a Day after me He was followed on Tuesday last by two maiden Aunts of Sir Thorobreds who live together at York and were so obliging as to favour Foxhall with their Company till this Morning when they left us which I believe their ungracious Nephew is not very sorry for What a Tribe of Aunts he has Two at York two at Woodstock all Virgins and a fifth at last married and settled in Essex after having lived in fear of the Apes for above these twenty Years
I spent an incomparable Evening yesterday which perhaps you would not have suspected when you hear who were our Party It consisted of Miss Rugg her two Aunts aforesaid
your Brother strongly contrasted by Tom Fetlock who is now in Possession of the Living the Baronet and Myself Sir Thorobred having tired himself with Lunging a young Stonehorse in the Morning sufferd the Conversation to turn upon general Topics and Newspaper Intelligences only reserving to himself the Liberty of putting in a Sentence now and then as he thought proper Having dispatched the common Business of Weather and remarked without Reflection that such a day had been excessive cold or intensely hot or wet or dry or neither without any Regard to the Matter of Fact which indeed was not necessary as the acquiescing Spirit of the Company entirely agreed in whatever
the first Person advanced however the Common Sense and Acceptation of Words might suffer by their Politeness we proceeded to touch a little upon American Matters and the Behaviour of a late Reverend Criminal at his Execution Alas poor Doctor cried Aunt Dorothy who for some Time had been nodding over her SnuffBox whilst the Combination of Snivel and Rappee streamed its Chocolate Defluxions down her Handkerchief Poor Man Well they say he made a fine End Why my dear Madam cried Sir Thorobred yawning He entered at the Post didnt he and Im told there was a dead Heat Tho some indeed pretend that he was smuggled over to France which I dont believe a Word of Why
I was there says Fetlock who affects to be a Cockfighter and I never in my Life saw any Man die better Game than he did aye and struck to the last To be sure he wheeld at first a little but say what they will your wheeling Cocks always fight the best Battle What say you Thorobred Miss Rugg smiled the old Ladies sniffed and wiped their Noses and the Captain relaxing his Features agreeably took out his Toothpickcase and began playing with the Contents of it
I have told you that I arrived here about a Week ago but have not mentioned a Mistake I had nearly fallen into On getting out of my Chaise I saw a tall young Fellow standing in the Yard with
dark Hair cropt short a narrowbrimmd RoundHat bound with black Ferret upon his Head and his tout Ensemble exactly corresponding with my Ideas of a Groom or a Stableboy Not happening to think of Fetlock I was just meditating a Salutation of Holla my Lady to ask his Assistance in bringing in my Luggage when he turned round and thereby saved me an Infinity of Confusion and Apologies which I should otherwise Infallibly have intailed upon myself His Dress was a light Grey Coat with black Buttons an outer Waistcoat of green and white striped Cotton under which as it was open at the Breast I could descry at least seven Flannel ones faced with as many Scraps of different coloured
Sattins a Pair of Fustian Breeches with a Profusion of String at the Kneebands white thread Stockings a coloured Silk Handkerchief round his Neck and an HookdStick in his Hand
Having suppressed my intended Exclamation I accosted him as a Gentleman and made some feeble Efforts towards entering into an equine Conversation which however I soon found my utter Incapacity of Supporting being in less than five Minutes so completely bewildered with a Variety of Cant Phrases and Technical Terms that I was obliged to change the Subject for one more generally Intelligible During this Time Sir Thorobred was at some Distance in a Field earnestly examining the Heel of one
of his Hunters which Fetlock told me was gorged a little and as he was upon his Hands and Knees with his Hair hanging loose about his Shoulders he exhibited methought no unapt Representation of King Nebuchadnezzar at Grass towards the End of his seven Years Metamorphosis Nor was the Similitude at all diminished by his nearer Approach to us For
his Dwelling had been with the Beasts of the Field and his Body was wet with the Dew of Heaven and his Beard was grown like Eagles Feathers and his Nails like Birds Claws
Upon his coming up to us I received from him an honest hearty downright Welcome exemplified or rather expressed by a violent Blow
on the Shoulder and such a Shake by the Hand as exposed the Oeconomy of my Bones and Cartilages to intolerable Jeopardy and which indeed nothing but the Extremity of Friendship would have induced me to submit to as his Paws were by no means exempt from the Nastiness attendant on Farriery Having however survived the Sa••tation without material Injury we all three adjourned to his Study as he has thought proper to denominate it And indeed upon Reflection I think he has much Reason on his Side tho probably without being sensible of it Cicero if you remember defines Studium or Study to be the Attention and Application of the Mind to some one particular Object And therefore
tho the Name of a Study or Repository for such Things as may assist us in this Pursuit usually conveys the Idea of a Room particularly devoted to Books and Literature inasmuch as the Studium of the generality of People tends that Way yet it is equally applicable to a Room equippd in any Manner whatsoever provided that Manner bears the same Affinity to the Studium of its Possessor Whether our Friends did you shall be your own Judge The Size of the Room you know is small with two Windows a Door and a Fireplace The literary Part of its Furniture consisted of a pretty considerable Quantity of old Newspapers Magazines Racing Calendars and Lists of Running Horses which
entirely occupied the Window Seats and invellopd the greatest Part of the Floor On his Table was a Bartletts Farriery garnished with Spurs Spurleathers and a Bootjack and the Remains of Euclids Elements without a Cover which he informed me was going the Way of all its University Companions being constantly made Use of at his Cloacinean Sacrifices His Chimney was decorated with Jockey Whips perpendicularly suspended from their Thongs and every other Part of the Walls seemed loaded with an astonishing Variety of Curbs Snaffles Cavessons and Martingals with five thousand other Instruments of Equestrian Utility full as curious and entertaining to me as the Weapons of New Zealand
or Otaheite or the old Bandoleers and Shot Pouches in the Armoury in the Tower As it wanted some Hours to Dinner we agreed that a Bottle of Strong Beer and some Slices of cold Ham would not be unseasonable These were procured and dispatched speedily after which I retired to Dress myself as did my two Companions to try a young Horse of Fetlocks at the Leaping Bar
Miss Rugg and your Brother seem to find each other exceedingly agreeable and if I may presume to prophesy will not be averse in due Time to a Junction of Forces The Captains Method of Attack is not of the most vigorous Nature but I dare say is a very sure and judicious One He seems to entertain
the same Idea of marrying a Wife that he would of purchasing an House or a Farm I dont mean Venally but he seems to consider it as a serious Bargain to be made which must be abided by and would therefore chuse as thorough an Acquaintance with the Nature of his Purchase as possible This is all very right I dare say Charles but I cannot be so exceeding methodical upon the Occasion I cannot help admitting a little of the volatilized Spirit of Love into my Composition whereas he conducts himself with a calm settled Resolution never suffering any Flames or Darts to enter his Head on the Occasion Not that I consider myself as a dying Strephon with Willows and Billows and Pillows to recline on
nor yet as a hot frantic Firebrand full of Jealousy and Madness committing Extravagancies one Minute on purpose to beg Pardon for them the next nor in short any way altered in the usual Tenor of my Behaviour by the Fascination of Female Attractions At least I hope not for they say People in Love are blind to the Absurdities of their own Conduct Pray tell me therefore in Friendship if you discover any Thing in my Letters at all savouring of Bedlam or whether you should think it necessary to consult Monro or Battie upon the Occasion
Hei mihi quod nullis Amor est medicabilis Herbis
said Apollo the Head of the College of Physicians a good many Years ago
when he was desperately unsuccessful in some Love Affair and rather desponding and low about it However he speaks only of the Vegetable World so perhaps since the Introduction of Minerals into Medicine a poor Lovers Case may not be quite so Immedicable In Expectation of your Opinion on this Head I remain my dear Charles
Yours sincerely W EASY
Captain MELMOTH to CHARLES MELMOTH Esq
FoxhallJuly
My dear Brother
IT would perhaps be needless to say any thing about the Heat of the Weather to you did I not intend to employ it as the Excuse for my epistolary Omissions Upon m• Honour it has been too intense for these last ten Days to attempt any thing particularly so laborious a Business as that of Letterwriting My Hours here pass on very smoothly calm and unruffled unless by the occasional Vociferation of my good Baronet who is eternally abusing me because I
sometimes read Italian and avowedly proclaim my Detestation of the Smell of Horsedung I guess you have heard how much I am determined upon marrying his Sister She is a very good Girl and I think may contribute to make me more comfortable than I am at present So I have been laying regular Siege to her Heart and Understanding ever since my Arrival and I believe with considerable Success Sir Thorobred approves of it in his Way as much as I can wish him I approve of it highly our Fortunes are sufficient to authorize the Step and in short nothing is wanted but her Consent absolute for I consider her tacit as given already and her Uncles Approbation to conclude our Treaty What think you Charles
Shall I do well
Ex nitido fieri Rusticus
To change my Red Coat with Lace for an unornamented Brown one and without becoming Savage or Grazier to endeavour at getting my Health in a quiet family Way and raising Children for the Defence of my Country in future instead of personally fighting for it at present I have told you already that my Time passes very smoothly but I will give you a Description of my daily Labours and let you judge for yourself I generally rise about Seven and stroll into the Garden with my constant Companion Lord Chesterfield Here we walk for about an Hour entertaining ourselves with each others Conversation and every two or three Turns perhaps stopping to take a View of Sir
Thorobred who is deeply engaged on the other Side of the Hedge in the elegant Occupation of breaking two young Horses for his Phaeton and haranguing his Friend Fetlock who attends with a long Whip in his Hand in all the Mode and Figure of Equestrian Vulgarity Entre nous this Fetlock is sometimes a most intolerable Fatigue to me The Baronet is at least a rational Savage and will sometimes divert and be entertaining even upon the Subject of his own Oddities but his Chaplain or Aid du Camp is insipid to the most distressing Degree Sir Thorobred often attempts to better my Opinion of him by informing me what an honest goodnatured Fellow he is and far be it from me to say otherwise
It would be cruel to detract from the Merits of a Person who can so very ill afford it twere like robbing a poor Beggar of his Halfpenny But still tis hard one must be condemned to suffer his Company He never commits even a laughable Absurdity unless by mere Accident The most ridiculous Anecdote I ever heard concerning him and that too by the Contrivance of Sir Thorobred was his falling asleep at Foxhall after a Drinking Match on Saturday Afternoon and continuing in that Situation till the Monday Morning I believe it was not above a Week before my Arrival when he waked about Eight oClock perfectly Sober dressed himself breakfasted took his Horse out of the Stable and departed
very quietly with his Sermon in his Pocket to officiate at his Parish Church which is about a Mile distant Upon his Arrival there however not finding any Appearance of a Congregation he rode twice round the Churchyard kicked stoutly at the Vestry Door damned his Clerk and Parishioners ••parately and altogether for a Parcel of negligent Heathens and returned perfectly satisfied that he had at least performed his Duty and paid a due Reverence to the Sanctity of the Sabbath
Well after Breakfast Charles I attach myself to Miss Rugg ride or walk out with her and Discourse of my Exploits in America
Of Battles Sieges Fortunes
Of moving Accidents by Flood and Field
Of hairbreadth Scapes ith imminent deadly Breach
and so on till like another Desdemona she almost
Loves me for the Dangers I have past
And I love her that she does Pity them
For in Truth many of them were very worthy of Pity and such as I will not undergo again whilst the Enemy keep on their own Side the Atlantic Many Times Charles during our Confinement in Boston have I worn the same Shirt for three Days together lived invariably upon Rice and Salt Pork and when at length the Place was evacuated I was absolutely reduced to my last Pint of Lavender Water Sometimes these Conversations are broken
in upon by Sir Thorobred who enquires whether we could turn our Horses to Grass there and how much a Load I supposed our Hay might cost Government Apropos of Sir Thorobred He always wears his Hat in the House and has besides an uncivilized Custom of throwing his Legs into the Seat of any Chair that happens to stand near him if empty or if occupied he entangles his Boots and Spurs so effectually with the Bars of it as to expose the Stockings of his Neighbour to unavoidable Destruction and his Body to imminent Danger of a Fall I was sitting next to him yesterday Evening when he entertained himself in this Manner Presently I rose from my Chair in which as I expected
his Legs immediately posted themselves Sir Thorobred said I that Chair I left for your Hat to lie in and Apropes de Botes ringing the Bell I am now going to give Orders that the gouty Cradle may be brought to support your Legs which I should think a much properer Place for them He stared for half a Minute in my Face damnd me for an odd Fellow flung his Hat into the Middle of the Room called for his Slippers and begging I would lend him my Pocketglass began digging his Jawbone with his Horsepicker as composedly as if it had been the Hoof of the Animal it appertained to
Alas poor Brute he is utterly incorrigible I believe I have several
Times attempted persuading him to keep his Nails within some tolerable Bounds of civilized Longitude for at present they are entirely in a State of unimproved Nature full as Extensive and infinitely less Delicate than the Talóns of a Chinese Mandarin but I have not the Happiness of discovering the least Shadow of Improvement arising from it Ah Thorobred thou art a well meaning Fellow But 〈 in nonLatin alphabet 〉 my Dear Baronet 〈 in nonLatin alphabet 〉
Adieu Charles Yours George Melmoth
CHARLES MELMOTH to WILLIAM EASY
Melmoth PlaceJuly
My Dear Easy
I AM sorry to write on a Subject which I doubt not will sensibly afflict you Our poor Friend Harry is no more I received a Letter Yesterday from Ned Freeman who went Abroad with him informing me of his Decease
Wearied of Life says he before he had well entered into it with a Temper soured by Reflexion and a Constitution ruined by Excess he died unknown and unregarded at Lisbon in the twentysecond Year of his Age Except Myself and his
Servant there was not a Soul in the Place that he could speak to We were with him in his last Moments and I declare to you that it was with the utmost difficulty I supported myself through the Scene There is at all Times something inconceivably Awful in that last Agony of convulsed Nature But in the present Instance it was particularly so To see him Pale and Emaciated falling in the Prime of Youth a Sacrifice to his own Imprudence To see every Feature distorted every Nerve striving with its Dissolution and Nature by her strong repeated Struggles loudly exclaiming that her Time was not yet come is a Spectacle too affecting to be looked upon with
Composure It was near three Hours before he breathed his last with his Eyes fixed stedfastly on me and his Hands firmly grasping one of mine Before you receive this I shall probably be on my Passage to England with our poor Friends Body
Surely Easy this is a Melacholy History The Inattention of his Guardians and the certain Prospect of an immense Fortune immediately upon his coming of Age were the Cause of his Misfortunes Happy had it been for him if his Father had lived a few Years longer It is amazing too how greatly his Manner of Life had altered his Disposition He had latterly lost all that Mirth that Ease and Gaiety of Heart which
rendered his Company so universally desireable and was become peevish and dissatisfied with every thing I never shall forget what he said to me as we were sitting together in his DressingRoom but a few Weeks before he went Abroad I think it was the last Conversation we ever had together
Melmoth says he I am Unhappy I am sick of my Follies and almost wearied of my Life I enter into Company without Enjoying it I frequent public Places but they are become Indifferent and Irksome to me Nothing amuses me I wish I had lived as you have Melmoth
To quit a Subject so unpleasant let me enquire a little into your
Course of Employment at Foxhall For Instance how do you spend your Mornings do you ride or walk or sit at Home and read those curious Tracts which you say Sir Thorobreds Study abounds with I should think with a little Application under so excellent a Master you might soon acquire a very competent Stock of Theoretical Horsemanship I never presume to expect anything considerable from you in the practical Parts A few Days ago I received Advices from George giving such satisfactory Accounts of his amatorial Progresses that I expect every Newspaper to read Particulars of the Marriage I am heartily glad to find Matters in so fair a Train with him because I think he will do a
much wiser Thing in marrying an amiable Girl with a good Fortune than in returning to live upon SaltBeef and Honour in America I have a Wife Easy and I want to see all my Friends in the same Situation which believe me is a much more comfortable one than many silly People imagine With due Compliments to the Inhabitants of Foxhall in general and that Centaur Sir Thorobred in particular I remain
Yours ever Charles Melmoth
WILLIAM EASY to CHARLES MELMOTH
FoxhallJuly
Dear Melmoth
YOUR melancholy Account of our Friends Decease gives me much Concern Poor Harry I am sincerely sorry for him Not that he is Dead for I do not think Death a Thing to be lamented nor yet that he died in the Prime of Life Tis not his End but the Causes and Manner of it the unhappy Course of Dissipation which occasioned it and the Stain that may throw upon a Character in itself truly amiable which I grieve for But I will not trouble you with a
Detail of Reflexions on this Head as I have thrown them into a few elegiac Stanzas to disbuthen my Mind a little of a Subject which I could not help dwelling upon These I send to you in Confidence So far however from wishing tho I have disposed them in the Manner of an Epitaph that they should be inscribed on his Monument that I even would not chuse they should be seen by any Person except those few Friends who can drop a Tear of Pity when they chance to think of his Failings but will always honour his Memory for the Goodness and Excellence of his Heart
In Memoriam Infelicis Juvenis
Here sleeps a Martyr to illicit Love
The Breast that once each nobler Feeling fird
The Mind that Virtues Self might well approve
Had Prudence checkd what amorous Youth inspird
Pure were his Thoughts and innocent his Joys
But early Wealth seducd his easy Soul
Soft Scenes of Pleasure seemd to court his Choice
And Youth and Nature sickend at Controul
Each varied Luxury of Sense was there
That Art could form or Fancys Powrs design
Fair laughd the Feast with mirthful Freedom fair
And Beauty crownd th imperfect Joys of Wine
Alas How soon th illusive Pageant Flies
Dark Clouds of Death obscure his dawning Day
In a strange Land unknown unwept he Lies
A dreadful Warning to the Young and Gay
Unknown Unwept Save where the secret Tear
Steals in sad Silence from the Muses Eyes
Lest wrinkled Age injuriously severe
Should wrong his Follies with the Name of Vice
But ye Wild Partners of my hapless Friend
Pass not unheedful by this sacred Stone
And when your heaving Breasts would mourn his End
Mourn for his Frailties and correct your own
Adieu my poor inconsiderate Friend
The earth that Bears Thee dead
Bears not alive so brave a Gentleman
Adieu and take thy Praise with thee to Heavn
Thy Ignominy sleep with thee in the Grave
But not rememberd in thy Epitaph
And now Melmoth let me Answer your Questions concerning Myself and my Amusements In the first Place then all my odd HalfHours which are a good many are devoted to the Study of Tookes Pantheon and the Nomina Propria in Ainsworths Dictionary Can you conceive any thing more
edifying But I read them to refresh my Memory and prepare myself more fully for an heathenish Stile of Conversation with Pedant if he should happen to spend the Summer with us at Hartleys The Books lie upon the Floor in Sir Thorobreds Study from whence Drafts are made occasionally to be employed in the same Services as his Euclids Elements and indeed I find their Pages suffer such considerable Decrease that I am obliged to Study very vigorously in order to keep up with him in his Consumption Then I sometimes ride after Breakfast but Soberly as Lady Grace says Not in the frantic whip and cut Stile of a Nimrod nor with the more dignified Pomposity of the Manege like a King
William the Third in old Tapestry And then if any Log or broken Hurdle or Furzebush should sprout up in my Way I never risque the whole Army at once but pass it in two Divisions Videlicet myself first as being of the greatest Consequence and afterwards my Cavalry Or sometimes if the Passage should be very much obstructed I place my Horse in the Van as Pioneer or Forlorn Hope and bring up myself as the sustaining Party You know which he is Sir Thorobreds old Grey Poney I can tell you we are very great Friends Age and Experience have cooled down all the little Tricks and Vanities which more youthful Quadrupeds are subject to and as each pays the most punctilious Regard to
his own particular Safety we are excessively cautious of Hazarding anything that might break the Bond of Union between us I fear however we shall be under the Necessity of Parting in a Day or two as my Time of Furlow is nearly elapsed and old Hartley will begin to be impatient for the Execution of his University Plans Vale Charles believe me
Yours W EASY
Miss HARTLEY to Miss RUGG
HillStreetJuly
WELL my cunning reserved little Madam I have heard of all your Coquetries to ensnare the poor Melmoth though you have not thought fit to write to me since his Arrival amongst you Indeed I think you might have found some spare half Hour to scribble in and acquaint me a little how Matters went on especially as you had declared your Intentions with such a pretty blushing Bashfulness in your last Letter Upon my Honour you deserve to be plagued a little
Should nothing Material prevent I shall probably spend great Part
of the Summer with my Brother as he seems to wish much for my Company
How very pretty and sisterlike that was of you wasnt it But then
We are not without Hopes of seeing Captain Melmoth
How that comes stealing in as if it thought to escape unobserved And presently it is
Somehow or other I wish he may come down to us
How we have changed by Degrees from the Plural to the Singular And then in the next Sentence
He is such an agreeable Man and so ready to do as I please with
O you little Gipsey They may talk as they please but Ill be hanged if one such little Puritan as yourself wont cost a Lover more
Pains and Attendance and give him more Plague aye and play him more Tricks too than half a Dozen of us madheaded ones And then to put yourself to the Trouble of telling a naughty Story and denying it and afterwards running into the lovesick Strain so artfully as if you had forgot that you were writing about your Brother
Indeed I must in Charity believe that you did it all on Purpose or I shall never have any Mercy on you But you should really have written to me For my Part I have nothing but Scribbling to amuse me at present Easy as you may guess by the Time of his leaving Foxhall came here but Tuesday and this Morning he was packed up in a Postchaise with my Father
and transported to Oxford in pursuit of my Spouse and Tutor elect Poor Fellow I dare say he could have found a Better without the Expence of Travelling in search of him However he is gone and his poor disconsolate Kitty has no other Business but to
Wake and Weep
and read Novels by Lamplight all Night and to write Letters and accompany despairing Ditties with her Piano Forte all Day However I made him swear eternal Fidelity and so forth in the true Stile of Chivalry before his Departure to that Country of Necromancers and Inchanters whom he promises to destroy and spare not unless they acknowledge the incomparable Princess he worships to be the very Flower and Paragon
of Perfection nay he farther engages that he will make them appear in due Form as Slaves before my Footstool saying
I am the profound Metaphysician and Logician Puzzlearius Governor of the College of A B who being vanquished by the superior Valour and Arguments c c
I fancy he will find this Task rather difficult for by the Specimen I have seen I believe the odd Things would rather forfeit all Pretensions to Chivalry and every Thing else than endure the Terror of passing five Minutes in a Womans Company in which Time at farthest they must have emptied their whole Budget of Conversation To speak seriously though I have no Idea of Pedants being prevailed upon
to return with them by any Arguments whatsoever If he should not my Fathers Plan of Operations for the present at least will be entirely deranged and before he can form any new Ones Easy is to chop Logic quote Greek bring him into a good Humour after Dinner and then having recounted his numerous Services and unparalleld Disinterestedness ask my Hand of him in Form If on the Contrary the Pedantic Animals Avarice or some other strange Infatuation should prompt him to hazard a long Vacation in Dorsetshire why he will be a delightful Subject to exercise ones ill Humours upon and after having stayed there till every Idea has been ridiculed out of him he may return Home to be the laughing
Stock of his Fellow Savages and leave Easy in peaceable Possession of the Victory and the Prize for I dont doubt my Fathers Goodness if we can but once drive this nonsensical Chimera out of his Head
Oh I must tell you now tho whilst I think of it what a Sacrifice Easy has made at my Shrine and what Incense he has been offering to that dear favourite Foible of ours Vanity He begged indeed an assuming Fellow That I would not communicate them to any body but we Women you know never can conceal these Matters from each other tho I really do not think you deserve them after the sly Stile of Secrecy which you would have adopted towards me if your
Pen would have sufferd you However if you will beg Pardon and be a good Girl Ill not keep you any longer in Suspence They are two languishing Epistles the Produce of an unalterable Passion which he sustained in his younger Days for a Lady whom he calls Delia and to whom he is distantly related
As Delias Papa and Mama lived entirely in the Country the young People had not met since they were Children and Colins Parents for so he calls himself having no very good Opinion of Miss Delia had often described her to him in a Manner not the most favourable One Summer however they resolved to pay old Mr Delia a Months or six Weeks Visit and it
being Vacation Time with young Mr Colin who was then of the University he of course accompanied them And then it was that the superlative Excellence and Goodness of Miss Delia struck him through the Liver Poor Man he was in a sad Way about it for Miss Delia tho she treated him very kindly was unluckily engaged already to a Man of very considerable Fortune and when after some Time he attempted to prefer his Suit she revealed to him the State of the Case and shewed him one or two Letters from her other Lover Mr Corydon which entirely drove poor Colin to Desperation Then it fortunately happened that instead of hanging or drowning himself as a downright ignorant
Fellow would have done in similar Circumstances Poetry came to his Aid and he presented her with the first Epistle
Soon▪ afterwards she became Mrs Corydon and within a Month more the inexorable Parcae cut down her Husband Upon this not having Leisure to Versify lest any other Claimant would step in before him he had nothing for it but to administer Comfort as early as possible in plain Prose and endeavour to bring himself upon the Tapis again She however is utterly Inconsolable and after having got the Funeral over and taken a little time for Consideration absolutely determines upon a perpetual Retirement and Seclusion from the World in General This you may imagine
produces a second Piece of Poetry from her Inamorato longer than the first wherein after having said a great many fine Things and attackd her with a Profusion of Morality and Sentiment he considers himself as bound in common Politeness to imitate her illustrious Example pitches upon a very pretty Cave for the Place of his Retirement and resolves to surrender his Body to Tears and Meditations whilst living and to Fleshflies and Jackdaws after he is dead without Benefit of Clergy or Christian Burial In consequence of these pious Determinations on both Sides she is married within a Twelvemonth to a Man old enough to be her Grandfather but with a very large Fortune and he having amused
himself for several Years amongst the Groves and Solitude of the Temple Gardens is at present — just as I would have him be
I have inclosed the two Pieces of Poetry which he gave me the Prose I was only sufferd to read before he burnt them
Adieu my dear Rugg Believe me your very affectionate CATHARINE HARTLEY
COLIN to DELIA On her approaching Marriage with CORYDON
READ or O say have present Joys effacd
Each Thought each fond Remembrance of the past
Can that blest Rival censure one sad Sigh
One transient Tear to me and Misery
Read nor with cold Severity reprove
Th unconquerd Struggles of distracted Love
Grant one last Look of Comfort to my Grief
One sympathetic Strain of sad Relief
Then all my Woes in dark Oblivion drown
And yield thy Soul to Bliss and Corydon
Curst be the Hour—No—be it ever blest
When first thy Beauty struck myastonishd Breast
The wild Luxuriance of thine auburn Hair
Thy Mien majestic Face divinely fair
Seemd like th ideal Phantom of a Dream
I saw I wonderd but could not esteem
Vile Prejudice with bigotted Controul
Checkd every nobler Feeling of my Soul
Still in my Ear base Slander whisperd Lies
Beheld Vivacity and namd it Vice
Did any dare applaud your Wit or Sense
Twas sneering Satire all and Impudence—
Gods how I errd could I thus grossly Sin
Or think so fair a Form so foul within
Thus think of her whose Virtues now I see
And Honour almost to Idolatry
Yet how sincerely I bewaild my Crimes
And curst th unfeeling Malice of the Times
Curst my weak Heart that could so soon believe
Such Excellence was made but to deceive
Bear witness Heavn and thou fair Maid forgive
For whom alone I can endure to live
Forgive this Error tis my last Request
Then welcome Solitude my Minds at rest
Scarce had three Suns their daily Circuit ran
And the fourth Morn reveald its Light to Man
When with full Radiance on my dazzled Sense
Beamd forth the Wonders of your Excellence
There veild in all the Sprightliness of Youth
Sat meekeyed Modesty and honest Truth
There calm Religion reignd with sweet Controul
The Sanctity of Thought and Snow of Soul
Their heavn descended Influence there combind
To prove thy Face less beauteous than thy Mind
Slander beheld and shuddring with Affright
Plungd headlong midst the Shades of endless Night
Ah me whilst yet I breath my mournful Strain
Fresh Woes arise and aggravate my Pain
Fixd in my torturd Minds distracted Waste
Sits Memory tween the present and the past
Forming dire Parallels how erst among
The shadowing Groves dark gloom we rovd along
Then whilst my Soul dissolvd in amorous Bliss
Plannd idle Schemes of endless Happiness
Thy Voice soft soothing flatterd my Desire
Rouzd every Sense and filld my Breast with Fire
Thus rapt in Extacy my Moments past
Ah Extacy too wonderful to last
When one curst Hour one blasting Stroke of Fate
Down hurld me from my Pinnacle of State
Snatchd every vain ideal Hope of Bliss
And whelmd me deep in Woes extreme Abyss
Unfeeling Maid by such harsh Means to prove
The boundless Influence of Almighty Love
Had those sad Papers been at first reveald
Or ever from my cheated Sight conceald
One last Farewell one heartbreaking Adieu
Had torn my struggling Soul from Love and you
Or still of happy Ignorance possest
I had enjoyd a visionary Rest
Till shuddring with Astonishment and Fear
Loud nuptial Hymns had piercd myaffrighted Ear
And as with Lightning blasted my strange Doom
Had sunk me deep deep in the Graves dark Womb
Think not I seek to interrupt your Joys
Upbraid your Conduct or condemn your Choice
My Happy Rival boasts far nobler Birth
Vows earlier plighted and superior Worth
Propitious Fortune blessd his Natal Hour
And Plutus haild him in a golden Showr
Ten thousand Heifers oer his Pastures rove—
My only Wealth was Competence and Love
No—Could you pitying as these Lines you see
Bid me still live to Happiness and Thee
Could you for me unmindful of your Vows
Burst from th Embraces of your promisd Spouse
For me in some lone Cot consent to dwell
And bid your Country and your Friends farewell
Wretch tho I am the Prize Id still forego
Nor wish such Joys een to my deadliest Foe
Live long and happy nor disturb your Bliss
With one sad Thought of Colins Wretchedness
Or should soft Pity prompt you still to bear
The Memory of a Youth you once held dear
Still grant me your Esteem since Love must end
And tho the Wife be lost remain the Friend
COLIN to DELIA On the Death of CORYDON Written at the University
IF from these gloomy Walls these antique Towrs
Where meagre Study wastes the midnight Hours
Where Pedant Learning sits severe nor knows
The Anguish of an hopeless Lovers Woes
Yet Delia yet again tis givn to mourn
Vent all my Griefs nor be receivd with scorn▪
Accept these heartfelt Strains nor fear to join
The bitter Sorrows of thy Cup with mine
Mix Tear with Tear heave flow th alternate Sigh
We may at least unite in Misery
This Step nor Friends nor Fortune Disallows
Nor the pale Phantom of thy shrouded Spouse
O Corydon in Lifes aspiring bloo•
Snatchd from a Brides Embraces to the Tomb
Methinks I see thy lingering Spirit fly
And scarce quit her for Heavn without a Sigh
Methinks I see thee midst th Angelic Choir
Strike the soft Warblings of thy pensive Lyre
With listless Eye th Aetherial Mansions range
Look sadly down and half regret the Change▪
Rest virtuous Youth supremely blest in Heavn
Nor scorn this Tribute by a Rival givn
No storied Urn no funeral Dirge you need
Vain empty Offrings to the senseless Dead
Silent be Fame and hushd be every Voice
Your Worth stands blazond by your Delias Choice
Nor thou fair Maid esteem it feignd that here
I breath sad Strains of Sorrow oer his Bier
To see thee blest was all my Wish below
The first best Gift Gods Bounty could bestow
Those Dreams are fled so cruel Fate decreed
And a long Train of thickening Ills succeed
Rest of your Lord no second you approve
But shrine your Soul in monumental Love
By the pale Tapers dimly glimmring Light
Count the long Moments of the tedious Night
Or with slow Step majestically sad
Seek the damp Aisle where his cold Corse is laid
Invoke his Shade to prove your Vow sincere
And bid the World farewell without a Tear
And canst thou Delia canst thou waste thy Bloom
In some dark solitudes sequesterd Gloom
Canst thou forget the Honours of thy Race
Say canst thou yield that fair that faultless Face
A Prey to Grief a voluntary Slave
So sweet a Flower to wither oer a Grave—
No—yet again in this Worlds Pleasures join
Again in all thy fatal Beauty shine
In social Mirth Lifes transient Hours employ
Nor sourd by Grief nor mad with thoughtless joy
On Reasons Rules let every Action move
What she prescribes Religion must approve
Let peevish Dotards bid the World adieu
And censure Joys they can no more pursue
Let Avarice barter Soul and Bodys Health
To roll in Piles of solitary Wealth
Let Superstition big with righteous Pride
Pardning herself damn all the World beside
With pious Rancour gainst Mankind inveigh
And thank her God she is not made as they
Condemn the Blessings by his Mercy givn
To smooth this mortal Pilgrimage to Heavn
Tis thine to spend thy little Hour on Earth
In social Comforts and becoming Mirth
Catch the Worlds guiltless Pleasures as they fly
Thankful to live yet not afraid to die
Breath the soft Air of resignations Gale
Thus speaks thy Friend and let his Voice prevail
And is that all must my Fierce Passions bend
To the cold Names of Monitor and Friend
Can those weak formal empty Titles prove
To what Excess of Misery I love
Ah fond aspiring interested Youth
In vain you preach up Righteousness and Truth
In vain with pious Fraud yourself deceive
And teach your willing Senses to believe
Pretend tis pure Religions Flame you feel
And grace your Passion with the Name of Zeal▪
Nor Grace nor Zeal Love only Fires your Lays
Tis the Heart dictates and the Hand obeys
Come then in all thy Pride of Beauty come
Pronounce my Sentence stamp my final Doom
Come—Let me clasp thee in myenrapturd Arms
Drink in thy matchless Luxury of Charms
With quivering Lips caressing and carest
Rouse the tumultuous Heavings of thy Breast
Then lost in Love and sickning with Desire
Sunk on thy Neck triumphantly Expire
Alas how wildly do my Senses rove
Yet who can hope consistency in Love—
Is this the Preacher will my Delia cry
Is this the Youth of wondrous Piety
The Friend who late with righteous Fervor glowd
And bade me learn Submission to my God
Taught me his Bounties were not givn in vain
To be neglected by desponding Man
And would he now my Peace of Mind destroy
Midst the rude Transports of illicit Joy
Mar the fair Prospects of my future Life
And bid me stoop to be a Beggars Wife
O rare Humility best Gift of Heavn
Sure Means for all my Sins to be forgivn
Cease Delia cease nor with too hasty Tongue
Condemn the Wretch who never wishd you wrong
O were the fierce conflicting Struggles known
Twixt Grace and Love your Welfare and my own
Could you but feel what Seas of Passion roll
And pang with boistrous Rage my torturd Soul
Your gentle Heart would pity not reprove
The hapless Youth whose only Crime was Love
Farewell—from every Hope of Comfort drivn
I here devote my future Hours to Heavn
Far from the Noise and busy Hum of Men
My Soul hath formd a melancholy Scene
An unfrequented Cave mossy and old
There save the Tinklings of some distant Fold
Or some small Brook high overgrown with Reeds
That Bubbling winds its Waters mongst the Weeds
Silence shall reign—No Trace of Man intrude
Upon the still sequesterd Solitude
Unless some hapless Wretchs Skeleton
Who long Time since like me by Love undone
Sought that sad Place out to despair and die
There mixt with his my scatterd Bones shall lie
There mixt with his in dark Oblivion rot
Alike unwept unhonourd and forgot
Or should strange Chance some wandring Shepherds lead
To these lone Mansions of th unburied Dead
Shaking their pensive Heads theyll drop a Tear
Of generous Pity on our mossgrown Bier
Then sighing say as the sad Tale they tell
Alas These Lovd not wisely but too well
Mr HARTLEY to Sir ANTHONY ARTICHOKE
HillStreetJuly
My dear Sir Anthony
I AM so overjoyd I am the happiest Man alive All my Schemes have succeeded and I have been down to Oxford and have brought up Mr Pedant with me and we are as happy and as learned as the Day is long and we are all going down to Dorsetshire in a Day or two And now my old Friend since every thing has turned out so prosperously I will let you into the Secret which I talked of in my former Letters and inform you who
has been my Confidant and Assistant in managing this Business I say since every thing has turned out so prosperously for else you know as well as I can tell you that Least said is soonest mended and
Bad News always comes fast enough
and the like His Name is William Easy a young Man about seven or eight and twenty His Father and I were old Schoolfellows and Cronies at Hackney together Poor old Easy he used to be sadly troubled with the Gout latterly like myself and went to Bath once or twice in a Year constantly And would you believe it the young Fellow his Son found me out when I was there last before I visited Staples you know aye and came to Breakfast with me too
and was as glad to see me the young Rogue was as if I had been of his own Age Let them say what they will of the Vices and Follies of the present Race of young Men I am glad to find they are not all so corrupt And he is clever too in the Bargain and has read a good Deal and has seen a good Deal of the World too I dare say which is no harm when it does not interfere with a Mans Learning Now what Person do you think could be so proper to assist in managing this Business of a Husband for Kitty as he was For his Manner of Introducing himself at first to me shewed how disinterested he was and that he came to see me purely because I was so well acquainted with his poor old Father
and what a Regard he had for me upon that Account So I communicated all my Intentions to him and he approved of them highly and accompanied me in my Journey to Oxford and talked to me about the Prometheus of Aeschylus and Aristotles Treatise upon Rhetoric by the Hour together as we went along And I have engaged him to come down with me to Dorsetshire to compleat the Affair So Mr Pedant and myself I wanted to have persuaded Mr Pedant to have gone down in the same Carriage with my Daughter by way of making a Beginning you know but he chose rather to go with me So Mr Pedant and myself will travel in my Chariot and four and I must make an Apology to Easy
about going in an hired Chaise with my Daughter and they can keep on before and prepare Things at the Inns for us Do write to me soon and tell me what your Opinion is of all this and believe me to be
Your most faithful Friend Christopher Hartley
WILLIAM EASY to CHARLES MELMOTH
DorsetshireAugust
Dear Charles
THAT I have for this Week past intended epistolizing Melmoth Place is as certain as that I have omitted doing it and you perhaps would now have been as well satisfied with goodnaturedly taking the Will for the Deed and compounding for my not writing at all However since the Pen is put to Paper you shall have no Reason to complain of my Brevity in Correspondence be your Passion for Letterreading ever so excessive It is now about three Weeks since
I made my Escape from Oxford from whence in Conjunction with old Hartley I have effected the Peregrination of Pedant to this western World A Piece of Success as far beyond my Expectation as my Wishes Indeed I had not the smallest Idea that any thing could have induced him to such a desperate Undertaking and should have been full as well pleased had he been inexorable to our Intreaties for by the frequent Consultations he has held with the old Gentleman for these last three or four Days and some other little Incidents I suspect there is more in the Wind than I am aware of However as I dont feel myself disposed to stand greatly in Awe of their Intentions whatever they may be I
shall drop him for the present and commence the Journal or History of our University Expedition
About the Middle of July then within two Days after my Return from Foxhall to HillStreet I was put on board a Postchaise with old Hartley about eight oClock in the Morning and about Four in the Afternoon found myself with my Companion at the Cross Inn Oxford As it happened to be during the Time of the Public Act the Town was tolerably crouded So having deposited our Baggage in the best Room we could meet with we procured proper Directions to Mr Pedants Chambers and immediately sallied out in Pursuit of them Many and curious were the Figures we encountered
in our Way and of all Sizes and Dimensions Several of them I rememberd as my Contemporaries with whom in those Days I had been very well acquainted But the Devil or my evil Genius or some strange Circumstance that I was not apprized of had so transformed and disfigured me since that Time that not a Man of them could I prevail upon to remain within Gunshot of me If I ran hollowd or called them by their Names it served but to increase their Velocity in Retreating They scudded up their Staircases like black Rabbits in a Warren and I believe it was near ten Minutes before I could procure any Creature to assist me with farther Instructions towards the Discovery of
Pedants Residence At last I had the good Fortune to meet Tom Frankley your Neighbour Harboroughs Nephew who is a Gentleman Commoner of the same College He conducted us immediately to the Object of our Pursuit and beggd if I was not already engaged I would call in the Evening and sup with him and bring old Hartley with me I told him that I feared Supper would not be in my Power but that I would certainly call upon him about Eight oClock though I could not promise farther So we parted and Mr Hartley and myself proceeded up the Staircase towards the Door of Pedants Apartment Unluckily it happened that not thinking of the still Caution necessary in an
Attack of this Sort we advanced carelessly talking as our Vanguard approached the Outworks and thereby effectually excluded ourselves from all possibility of entering For just as we turned round the last Landingplace the Vigilance of the Enemy was alarmed the outer Door shut with a thunder Clap and all within was silent You may imagine that after this all the Knocking and Noise we could make would be of very little Service so we were obliged to content ourselves for the present with the Supposition that he probably was busied as old Hartley said in some metaphysical Investigation but that he would go there by himself in the Evening and attempt him a second Time by
Surprize This Plan of Proceeding I entirely applauded as it released me from all the purgatorial Discipline of such a Service and gave me the better Opportunity of Supping with Frankley whose Conversation tho less abstruse would probably be more entertaining So having drank our Tea together quietly at the Coffeehouse I left my Companion planning the Mode of his Attack over a Newspaper and went immediately to fulfil my Engagement And most excellently entertained I was both with the Behaviour and Conversation of my Company So much so that without any Apology I shall send you a minute Detail of the whole Business which if you find yourself too stupid or lazy to read with due
Attention I desire you will forthwith send back to me again with all proper Thanks and Acknowledgements Carriage paid
Well to Frankleys I went then sat down and having got thro the first necessary Business of Speechifying and Enquiries was just verging towards a Discourse upon University Matters in general when on a sudden preceded however by an infinite Variety of Tallios Hoickss hark to Venoms Vipers Vixens Vermins which we perceived gradually increasing from the opposite Side of the Quadrangle the Door flew open and in rushed a Party of Gentlemen who it seems from their particular Attachment to that Species of Cur as well as from the exact Similarity of their Noises
are called the Terriers At the Head of this extraordinary Troop was a Mr Jack Solecism who first discoverd his Capability of Articulation by a Damn that villainous Rascal Euclid to I wish the Fellow and whatever else is usual on such Occasions
This curious Exclamation which having lasted for some Minutes terminated but with the Breath of the Utterer was accompanied by a loud Amen in Chorus from the Rest of the Company Presently several of them snatched Chairs and threw themselves into them for the Benefit of Conversation Well Frankley says Solecism to my Friend after all this College is a damnd Place
Here am I now a Fellow allowedly clever preposterously so now and then a little Drunk to be sure why they puzzle and torture me at their Examinations worse than a rich Criminal in an Inquisition Strike me sober if I know whether their Examinations are most like an Inquisition or a Bullbait And the Rascals are true bred Dogs too every one of them they run all at the Head till a Mans Brain becomes as confused as a Bankrupts Account Books However I keep my Head up and then they cant pin me
An old Lord of the Council rated me the other Day in the Street but I marked him not and yet he talked very wisely and in the Street too
But I regarded him not I am unhurt in
the midst of them like Daniel in the Den of Lions Aye or in the fiery Furnace cried another at the same Instant catching his Chair from under him with a Velocity that tilted him Headforemost into the Grate O damn the Expence of a fiery Furnace cried a Third Expence is nothing Troubles all bellowed a Fourth Back him up fan him spilt dishd all abroad wound up shant be bad not of the two a few or so all abroad abroad abro—ad Here Articulation ended and was succeeded by their former Canine Conversation with which they quitted or to use their own Expression dangled out of the Room
As soon as they were gone Frankley began entering into some
Sort of Dissertation on the Characters of these Incomprehensibles explained to me their Stile of Life their Amusements the Rules of their Club with many other Articles infinitely curious and entertaining Jack Solecism says he is a Fellow of very excellent Abilities but very rarely sober enough to employ them properly or to adopt his own Words is
Allowedly Clever preposterously so
but
Now and then a little Drunk to be sure
He is not at present a Member of the Terrier Society but has a very fair Prospect of being speedily admitted as he excels particularly in the Indian War Whoop and is allowed by several SeaCaptains who are good Judges to approach nearer the true Sound
than any European they had ever conversed with
I hope continued he that you find yourself pleased with the Company of these good Folks as the greater Part infallibly design doing themselves the Honour of Supping with me and it is an absolute Impossibility to put them off or prevent them So you see what you are to expect In reply to this I could only say that it was the very Thing which I was most desirous of provided that he could insure my Carcase from all practical Wit and manual Pleasantry which I acknowledged myself too stupid to enter into the Spirit of and consequently to have any particular Taste for This he undertook to answer for provided I on the other Hand would do my
Part by retiring in Case of particular and extraordinary Combustion to which Article I with equal readiness assented So Matters being stipulated between us we stretched ourselves upon a Sopha and with the Assistance of Sleep and ChitChat murdered our Interval of Time very handsomely and by and by after having enjoyed I believe about an Hours respite our Friends the Terriers returned with Jack Solecism the first Fiddle as usual As he was still very tolerably drunk and the Fumes of the Liquor remained in absolute Possession of his Capital we had hardly eaten three Mouthfulls I forgot to tell you we were at Supper when he was upon his Legs declaiming with all the Energy of Diction and
before we had well finished our Meal entered with an Oration so gloriously absurd and ridiculous that I could not help committing it to Paper as soon as I quitted them and now send it to you with absolute Injunctions to be diverted as you value my Friendship or regard the Trouble I shall be subjected to both in transcribing that and relating the Consequences which attended it
Gentlemen said he and as he spoke he hiccupd and drank two Bumpers of Punch to assist his Articulation I think Gentlemen when I had last the Happiness of Addressing you in this House when as I remember you did me the Honour of increasing and enforcing my Comparisons by absolute Contact
with the Fender the Marks whereof my Forehead retains with a grateful Sense of their Utility unto this Hour I think I say I was then giving it as my Opinion that this College was a damnd Place that is in other Words, for I mean not to swear absolutely a Place to be condemned utterly and now my present Purpose is to make good my Assertions by a little incontrovertible Ratiocination
Now the seniors or graduate Members of a College may I think be divided into three Species or Classes The first and best and who as being best should consequently be first mentioned had they no other Pretensions to Priority are those few fine old Fellows who being naturally and originally the
Children of Dulness have chose to enjoy their Birthright unimpaired uninterrupted uncontaminated by Science and in consequence have vegetated in the Spot Providence first planted them without impertinent Interference or Prying into the Conduct and Behaviour of their Betters Peace be to all such Men To their great Grizzle Wigs and Apathy I bow with Reverence The Honorable Gentlemen may call them stupid I adore them for their Stupidity Tis perhaps a pleasant it is certainly an innocent Amusement It offends nobody Were they as stupid as many of them are corpulent which I allow cannot easily be the Case as stupid as a Sot before Dinner or an Alderman after it I pay them the
greater Reverence therefore But perhaps the Honorable Gentlemen may object to their Corpulence To their globose Rotundity of Paunch I would ask the Honorable Gentlemen whether they are the Contractors for Victualling it Do they provide Covering for its Convexity Is not the Owner at the sole Expence of continuing it in its usual State of Dilation Is not he at the sole Expence of covering its Nakedness which unless covered would doubtless be unseemly with an extravagant Profusion of Broadcloth Is not that Broadcloth black too A Colour if indeed Black may be considered as a Colour which however my Philosophy has not yet determined upon notoriously Expensive from the Rottenness
of its Die At least was it not Black originally tho now perhaps its Tint may be more venerably assimilated to the verd antique Marble of Italy But enough of these Gentlemen let us now turn our Attention to my second Species of Existences To a Set of Men originally endued with Abilities with Abilities destroyed and obnubilated by Residence and Application Does any one start at my Assertion The Honorable Gentlemen are not to be taught I hope that Application is the Bane and Destruction of Abilities The human Mind Gentlemen pardon the Comparison is like a Leg of Mutton The Meat is fine but requires Roasting to make it eatable We place it before the Fire then
and it is sufferd according to its Size to continue there for a longer or shorter Period We resume it and upon cutting it we find the natural Gravy remains there but matured and meliorated by Concoction So far it has been in a State of Improvement It is then at its Point Tropical its Solstice its Zenith of Perfection But would any Cook in Christendom replace it there in Expectation of farther Advantages Would she not know that any farther Torrefaction must be prejudicial That the natural Gravy would from that Time decrease and evaporate gradually A Gravy Gentlemen not to be supplied by all the adscititious Sauces of the most ingenious Artificer I presume no Gentleman
needs my Information that Learning is an elegant Accomplishment So is Snufftaking That the one strengthens the Ideas and clears the Head of its Votary So does the other But in either Case how dangerous are Excesses In the one it degenerates into Pedantry In the other to Bestiality and Nastiness I will conclude my Remarks on this Species with their Character as drawn by a late elegant Satyrist
Fellows whove soakd away their Knowledge
In sleepy Residence at College
Whose Lives are like a stagnant Pool
Muddy and placid dull and cool
Mere drinking eating eating drinking
With no Impertinence of Thinking
Who lack no farther Erudition
Than just to set an Imposition
To cramp demolish and dispirit
Each truebegotten Child of Merit
Censors who in the Days broad Light
Punish the Vice they act at Night
Whose Charity with self begins
Nor covers others venial Sins
But that their Feet may safely tread
Take up Hypocrisy instead
As knowing that must always hide
A Multitude of Sins beside
Whose rusty Wit is at a stand
Without a Freshman at their Hand
I am come now Gentlemen to my Third Division And here willingly would I be silent but Justice calls upon me to speak though my Feelings are wounded by the Description What shall I say then Shall I call them with Dr Hurd in one of his Dialogues a Set of Bearded Boys
And would you invite our liberal and noble Youth to resort hither Can you expect that their free Spirits will stoop to be lectured by these Or that their Minds
can ever be formed and tutored by such Pedants in a Way that fits them for the real Practice of the World and of Mankind
But let us chuse an Instance for Illustration Let one suffer for the Rest and be selected as a Subject for Dissection And can we want a Subject whilst Euclid is before us A Fellow whose only Pleasure and Delight lies in plaguing every body of equal Genius but less Erudition than himself A Fellow whose very Instructions are Insults who forces Science upon you Nolens volens as an Apothecary does Physic thrusts Rhomboids Parallelograms and Parallelopipedons down your Throat like Pistols Leek crams you with Pentagons Hexagons and Quindekagons till your Head is
as full of odd Shapes and Figures as a Chinese Manuscript or an Egyptian Necromancers Talisman or the Hieroglyphics of a greasy Buttery Account Book A Fellow who claps a triangular Mathematical Yoke or Collar round your Neck as they do round a Hogs to prevent your getting thro the Parallels of a fivebarrd Gate and feasting in the Turnip Field of Classical Knowledge on the other Side of it
Evil Communication says the old Copybook corrupts good Manners and for my Part I declare honestly that I can hardly consider that Knowledge as respectable which I behold prostituted and contaminated by a Communication with the most despicable of Characters
I cant help connecting my Ideas of one with the other and then damn em I hate both And yet get them by themselves the Mathematics are good intelligent Things enough And very useful too for a Land Surveyor or Builder of Bridges Im sure I look up to them with Fear and Reverence as a Thief does to a Gibbet and only pray secretly that it may never be my Case
And then he is such an inveterate unchristian Rascal in his Resentments
Letting the Sun go down upon his Wrath
An absolute Polypheme
Nec visu Facilis nec Dictu Affabilis ulli
In short ten Times worse than Pedant or any of his Compeers in as much at least as a Person who behaves Ill
to every body is worse than him who has no Behaviour at all And yet they are all bad enough occasionally even men who are liberal and well spoken of at any other Place as if they thought Illiberality a College Accomplishment and were afraid of appearing affected and singular if they did not give into it Or perhaps it may be Philosophically accounted for by the Difference of the Medium in these Parts and that the very Atmosphere is mephitically impregnated with a Sort of illiberal Vapour from the constant Respiration of such a Number of uncivilized Inhabitants
By the Time our Cicero had got thus far in his Oration which I have here endeavoured to give you
connectively omitting the frequent Remarks and Interruptions of his Companions the Quantity of Liquor which he had drank or according to his own Philosophical Method of accounting for Things the Vinous Atmosphere he had been so long Breathing called off the Organs of Speech from Elocution to employ them in an Operation perhaps more natural and certainly better adapted to his present Condition His Eyes fixed his Jaw fell down he dropt and to use the Words of an Irish Acquaintance of mine when he was describing the Issue of one of his Duels
Never brought Life to the Ground with him
At least not intellectual Life Well in this State he lay for about five Minutes
formidably Nasty indeed Cascading like a Leaden RiverGods Urn or the grotesque Human Waterspouts of a gothic Cathedral Presently he began to kick a little and in a short Time after by the Application of Salt hot Water and other Methods according to the Practice of the Humane Society which his Companions were very liberally observant of he started up at once on his Legs filled an halfpint Bumper of Punch and indistinctly muttering an old Adage of his own that
the more came out the more Room to go in
drained it in an Instant This Act of Heroism with the sagacious Comment that accompanied it excited a Burst of Universal Applause
Well Jack cried Tom Riotous who stood next him Now you have settled your Internals I suppose we shall have the Rest of your Oration Come come why damn ye you look as Meagre and as Melancholy as Duns Scotus of Merton in the last Page of the Bible Come your Oration
Oration Sir exclaimed Solecism who since his last half Pint of Lethe had been black in the Face with a Kind of hiccuping Convulsion and remained without the least Recollection of any previous Circumstances Oration Sir what dye mean to Insult me Sir Oration Sir is of two Kinds Demosthenes and his Plumbstones Two Methods of using the Hand 〈 in nonLatin alphabet 〉
in Oration Sir First there is the Hand open employed in the milder Kind of Argument Then Sir damme I will not put up with an Insult theres the Hand closed commonly called the clinchd Fist 〈 in nonLatin alphabet 〉 dye observe me for more weighty Arguments Sir to evince convince The knockyedown Argument Sir which will humble the most highheaded Adversary convert his perpendicular Arrogance into an horizontal Supineness as I am now going to demonstrate upon your poor miserable Carcase And as he spoke the last Word he made a Blow at Riotous which had it taken Place properly would most effectually have verified his Assertion by levelling the Object of it but through
want of Precision in the Director vented itself on an unhappy Plaister Figure of Tully that stood upon the Mantelpiece which it broke into a thousand Pieces
Sir cried Riotous enforcing his Exclamation with a most dignified Profusion of Blasphemy which as the Wit will evaporate in Repetition I shall leave you to guess at Do you strike me Sir Such Behaviour requires Satisfaction I insist upon immediate Satisfaction Pistols were produced instantly for it seems they are as necessary a Part of Furniture in an Oxford Apartment as a Corkscrew or an Horsewhip Seconds were chosen Ground measured and every thing prepared for Action In the same Moment sans Ceremonie
or Compliment Solecism swore and fired but without any Effect Upon this Riotous advanced and applying the Muzzle of his Pistol to the Mouth of his unfortunate Antagonist who began now to recover his Senses Solecism says he you have broken the Rules of Honour And now by God Sir Im sorry to tell you that you must die the Death for it So prepare yourself to drop like a Gentleman and heres at you Gentlemen fill Bumpers to Solecisms Voyage in the Ferryboat and raise a Subscription to pay for his Passage for I dare say he has not a Sixpence of his own to defray the Expences Have you Jack Our poor Orator ran behind the Window Curtain and roared for Mercy As one deprecated
the other persisted till at last finding his Enemy inexorable he plucked up his scatterd Resolution and being determined I suppose to die like a good Christian poppd forth a Face the most ruefully ridiculous I ever beheld and beggd but for a minutes Respite Then drawing it in again O Lord cried he Thou seest the Situation I am in pity a poor miserable Sinner aye cried Riotous there you see he acknowledges his Poverty I told you he had not a Sixpence Come subscribe Gentlemen who is going to be blown out of Life in a Smoke by He was then silent for about a Minute but presently raising his Voice again Lord Jesus added he receive my Spirit — and now Sir throwing
aside the Curtain and stepping forward with a calm assured Countenance now Damn ye Fire away Twas done as soon as spoke a Cloud of Smoke darkend the Apartment and upon its dispersing no Solecism was to be found One would have imagined him carried off by some Inchanter like an Arabian Night Princess or absolutely pulverized to an impalpable Powder by the Horrors of his Situation Well for above half an Hour I believe did we hunt after him in every Staircase in the Quadrangle Dogs and all till at last guided by a Degree of Scent which I verily believe led us to the Discovery we found him squeezed behind the Door of a Cellar with his Eyes and Tongue rolling like
the Clockwork Drummer at the Waxwork and his Hands raised upwards like the Effigies of some brazen Saint in the Aisle or Vestibule of a Cathedral And here unobserved by the Rest of the Company I took my Leave of Frankley and departed to my Inn And so ended the Operations of the first Day
And now Charles I may tell you lest you should suspect me of Inchantment in good earnest that the Seconds had put no Lead into the Pistols which allowed Solecism the Capability of quitting the Room at the Instant Riotous fired How he effected it you must enquire of his Fears as it was with a more instantaneous Velocity than I have any Conception of.
The next Morning old Hartley informed me that he had been successful in his second Attack upon Pedant and that we were both engaged to Breakfast there On our Arrival we found him seated in due Form and Order surrounded by Food mental and corporeal with a Companion on the other Side the Table whose Countenance had I met with it in a dark Lane or Alley would by no means have corresponded with my Ideas of personal Safety Upon our Entrance they rose and bowed distantly and immediately reseating themselves we followed their Example and took our Chairs in awful Silence As Pedant had not thought it necessary to effect a nominal Acquaintance of Parties by introducing us to this
Friend of his we could only endeavour to supply the Deficiency by surveying each other with that Kind of cautious Curiosity which you may have seen in two Dogs upon their first Meeting when they look half afraid and in Doubt whether they shall quarrel or not Hartley indeed soon struck up a Conversation with Pedant which I joined in occasionally but my Attention was chiefly occupied in forming a conjectural Judgment of his Comrade whose Lips were never opened unless once in five Minutes to give an abrupt Negative to what somebody else had been saying No such Thing—It was not so—or I dont believe a Word of it and then he would take up a Book and begin Reading
again Faith Charles I believe Pedant never appeared to such Advantage before I began to suspect that he was determined to make the best of himself and so brought the other Animal by way of Foil For though neither of them could be accused of being overburthend with Entregent or Politeness yet the Reserve and Aukwardness which proceeded from Mauvaise Honte in Pedant seemed in the other to arise from a churlish Selfconceit and a predetermined Contempt for the Understanding of his Company Good God thought I this must be poor Solecisms Friend Euclid there cannot surely exist two such Wretches And Euclid indeed it was as I found presently after by Pedants naming him in the Course
of Conversation I dare say now Charles from the little I saw of the Man that he is capable of going into the first Company committing every Incivility perpetrating every shocking Clumsiness he can think of and in short just doing every thing that he ought not to do without imagining it necessary to be ashamed of himself I fancy he is one of those Ipse Dixit infallible Gentlemen who either think they cannot do wrong or imagine themselves qualified to do it But Ill not attempt his Character as I can send it to you drawn in a much more masterly Manner by somebody who knows him better than I ever desire to do It was given me by Frankley whom I happened to meet in the Evening
at the Coffeehouse and upon mentioning the Company I had breakfasted with he took it out of his Pocket and told me that it was found about three or four Mornings since pasted upon the Door of Euclids Chambers by way of Epitaph but that the Author was utterly unknown
EPITAPH
Here continueth to slumber
Whilst his Mind absorpt in Science
Dreams wildly of imaginary Propositions
The Body of DIAGRAM EUCLID
A Man who in Defiance of the Weaknesses
Unavoidably incident to his Nature
Preserved a Consistency of Conduct
And supported an Uniformity of Character
Which Malice never could Asperse
And Slander was unable to Vilify
As a Tutor and Governor of his College
Towards his Inferiors his Superiors and his Equals
Towards his Servants his Pupils and towards his Friends
If indeed he ever possessed one
He persevered in an unvaried Illiberality of Behaviour
That he might avoid the very Suspicion of being Partial
Politeness he considered as a Servility
Disgraceful to the Dignity of Learning
And as his Soul was incapable of the Comforts of Society
His Actions honestly expressed his dislike to it
By disgusting every Company he appeared in
With the Superciliousness of Cynical Contempt
That he might not be accidentally agreeable
He observed from his first Entrance at the University
An inflexible Moroseness of Countenance
Which characterized the Misanthrophy of his Heart
Nor was he ever seen to relax the Scowl of Severity
But when his Spleen and Illnature were gratified
In wounding the Feelings of the Ingenuous
Or covering the Face of the Diffident with the Blush of Confusion
To avoid being imposed upon by Appearances
His Memory never forgot an Affront
And his Heart was never weak enough to forgive one
For he considered Forgiveness as a Credulity
Which might expose him to the Repetition of Insult
When he was appointed Lecturer of his College
In his favourite Science of Mathematics
He confused the Understanding of his Auditors
By Expressions they were incapable of comprehending
And by a vain Ostentation of his own Erudition
Obscured what it was his Business to have illustrated to others
In his Opinions and Assertions he was dogmatical
Proud pedantic and perplexing
Nor did he ever scruple to reprobate
With all the Arrogance of conscious Superiority
The united Authorities of his Predecessors in Science
When they chanced to differ in their Sentiments
From his own infallible Standard of Perfection
Think not youthful Reader
From the Depravity of this Mans Character
That the Pursuit of Learning is to be neglected
He was but suffered as an Instance
That without good Manners it may be Despised
Without good Nature it must ever be Detested
Well Charles what think you of it Is it not a pretty good Pasquinade God help the poor Author if he should be discovered for I dont believe the Golgotha would have much mercy on him
To return to my Breakfast again which I hope you have not forgot was suspended from a Principle of pure digressive Politeness I must inform you that Euclid having left us as soon as it was finished old
Hartley and Pedant sat down to an inveterate Tête á Tête together and having in the Course of about two Hours restored Helen to her Husband routed the Persian Army at the Plains of Marathon with divers other Atchievements equally difficult and celebrated it was proposed formally on Hartleys Part and after due Hesitation as formally consented to on Pedants that he should accompany us to Dorsetshire
And so here we are all at present living as comfortably as we can together Old Hartley and Pedant and Pedant and old Hartley to the End of the Chapter And then Kitty and I and I and Kitty inseperables Sometimes strolling in the Garden and admiring the
horizontal Verdure of her Fathers clipt Hedges with fifty pretty little Similars full as indolently entertaining Farewell Melmoth The Voice of my Charmer who at this Instant enters the Room cuts short my Tale and obliges me to conclude incontinently
W Easy
—From her Virgin Cheek a fresher Bloom
Shoots less and less the live Carnation round
Her Lips blush deeper Sweets she breaths of Youth
The shining Moisture swells into her Eyes
In brighter flow her wishing Bosom heaves
With Palpitations wild kind Tumults seize
Her Veins and all her yielding Soul is Love
Miss RUGG to Miss HARTLEY
FoxhallAugust
My Dear Kitty
I Received yours Upon my Honour you have treated my last Letter very unmercifully and positively accused me of Slyness and Secresy without considering the Confidence I placed in you by sending it at all Suppose I had thought proper to burn it and had given you a fair Copy revised and corrected And then after having been as spiteful and malicious as you possibly could be and torn the poor thing Peicemeal Sentence by Sentence you affect to
be wondrously merciful and tis your Charity forsooth that obliges you to believe that I did it all on Purpose Since you are so very ready at Belief and Supposition I shall not tell you whether I did or not perhaps I might But you know I cant retort or rally you which makes you so saucy However I must in Charity believe that you did it all by Accident or I shall never have any Mercy on you and as you have made some amends by sending me Easys Poetical Secrets I will even go farther and give you a little authentic Information as to my Prospects with Melmoth And this I can do in a very few Sentences merely by way of Continuation to Easys Intelligence Since his Departure from Foxhall
then my Uncle has been applied to by Letter in consequence of which he arrived here about three Days ago He has given his Consent and Approbation to our Marriage Melmoth has determined to quit the Army and every thing will probably be concluded in the Course of this Month We expect my two Aunts from York on Wednesday Is this Account plain and undisguised enough Or is there any sly Stile of Secresy to be complained of As to expatiating upon my own Happiness and my Inamoratos Extacy I shall leave your Sensations when you think of similar Prospects with Easy to supply the Omission You know I love him I own honestly that I do and I hope at least that he loves
me equally What can I say then but what your own Feelings will more forcibly speak for me Adieu Kitty write soon to me and believe my Sincerity when I wish to see you as Happy as she hopes to be who now probably for the last Time subscribes herself
Maria Rugg
Mr HARTLEY to Sir ANTHONY ARTICHOKE
O Sir Anthony Sir Anthony My best Set of Plans and Schemes the best I ever contrived in my Life are all blown up and gone and come to nothing as one may say Here when I had got him into Dorsetshire and talked him over and persuaded him and had just brought Matters to bear and had got him into the right Humour for it and he had given his Consent to marry my Daughter and all was in a Manner settled except acquainting her with my Success then what does she go and do but runs away within two Hours after I told her of her Happiness and
takes Easy with her too and I suppose they are gone to be married together O Never never was such an unlucky old Man in this World as I am And after you warned me so much against it too in your last Letter and told me you thought my Daughter had a Mind for a Husband that I did not in tend for her And truly I began latterly to suspect as much myself but then who would have thought of her going off and running away in this sudden Manner as one may call it or else I had prepared to counteract that Husband for her O I am the most unfortunate old Man in the World surely
— Dicique Beatus
Aute obitum Nemo supremaque Funera debet
Here I went to her after Breakfast this Morning and told her that next Monday was to be the happy Day and how happy I should be and the like and she put me into a Passion and when I came to enquire for her at Dinner Time nobody could tell what was become of her and Easy was missing likewise So I was for going to the Inn and making Enquiries and following them immediately in the Heat of my Passion but Mr Pedant was luckily at Hand to prevent me and persuaded me that by staying till the next Morning we could send and investigate Matters at the Inn more minutely and should have more Time to consider what Steps should be taken and to pack up our Things and to prepare
every thing for pursuing them So here I am quite out of my Wits about it as I may say and my old Butler that has lived with me these four and twenty Years come Michaelmas is quite out of his Wits too and can hardly believe it and is gone to the Fox and Goose and the CrookedBillet with John Docktail the Coachman to see if he can hear any Tidings of her and I told him to go to every Place in the Neighbourhood and to get a Man to cry her An obstinate perverse Hussy Im sure she has no more Taste for the dead Languages than my Housemaid or she would never have ran away from such a Husband as Mr Pedant If she had but known how well the Ancients understood them and
could discourse in them And so often as I have talked to her about them but she never would listen to me And there I hear poor Mr Pedant now shut up in his Room reading Greek like one distracted Poor Man I believe he never would express himself in his native Language if he could help it But I am in the utmost Hurry and Confusion and must go and give Orders about fifty Things immediately which obliges me to conclude as that wise People the Spartans used to do upon urgent Occasions In great Haste
Yours Laconically Christopher Hartley
Miss HARTLEY to Miss RUGG
My dear Rugg
HOW shall I write to you and what Kind of roundabout Expression shall I adopt to acquaint you with my Situation The more I consider the more I feel myself at a Loss In three Words then be it known — that my Father has been opinionated and imperious I have been perhaps a little inconsiderate and am at present almost before I know how to believe it on the Road to Scotland with Easy
And now if you have had Time enough for your Wonderment and
Conjecture Ill let you into Particulars You know my poor Papa amongst his other Qualifications had always that wise one of making every thing a great Secret and keeping People as much in the Dark as possible whenever he had a Scheme in his Head by way of surprizing them all at once with its Excellence when the Wind did get to it So last Thursday after Breakfast he came up to my Room a Thing not very common with him and which indeed he seldom used but upon grand Occasions and seating himself in a great Chair and settling his Wig with both Hands by way of Preparation Kitty says he with a Face that told me some wondrous Matter was in Agitation
you remember
when I was in London that I introduced my Friend Mr Pedant to you as a Man every Way qualified to make you a good Husband and to restrain that Levity and Giddiness which the younger Part of your Sex are too much guilty of though I must own I rather despaired of ever bringing him to consent to the Match He has now you know been here above a Month with me in the Country in which Time by Persuasions and Promises I have at last with Difficulty prevailed upon him to accept of my Proposals and therefore lest upon Reconsideration he should be induced to alter his Mind towards you in this Matter I have thought it better to Strike whilst the
Iron is hot and on Monday next have resolved that you shall be made happy In Regard to
—
My Dear Rugg I was Thunderstruck for tho I knew this was my Fathers Intention in bringing Pedant to Dorsetshire with him yet I had no Idea that the ungain Animal would ever have consented to so dreadful a Ceremony with me after the many silly Looks I had helped him to put on since he had been there However I presently collected myself enough to cut my Father short in the Middle of his Sentence which I suppose was to have concluded with a Panegyric on his Bookworm by a
God forbid my Dear Sir that ever the Living and the Dead should be joined together Let the Dead
bury their Dead my Dear Father and his Books him say I for Im sure he is as disagreeable and dead to the World as the Languages he cultivates
My Father looked at me wondrous petulant I could perceive O those confounded Languages that ever my ill Stars led me to mention the Word for immediately and the Frenzy took him like Lightning Peace Peace Girl said he
the Greek Language though it
— And here he was tumbling all at once into his Eulogium upon its various Excellencies when I who had experienced the miserable Ennui of that self same Dissertation at least fifty Times in my Life and knew from the Beginning that it might last from two
Hours to three or four could not help interrupting him by saying how much I was indebted for the Trouble he was going to give himself but as I had it perfectly fresh in my Memory since the Rehearsal of Tuesday Sennight I should be happy to postpone the Hearing till some future Opportunity when my Recollection might begin to fail me This put him into a desperate Passion which I really did not Design He snatchd up his Stick to express the Vehemence of his Displeasure but Impatience begetting Inattention instead of the Floor which he intended should be the Sufferer he applied it to his own Gouty Shins with such a hearty Goodwill that I thought he would never have forgiven himself He was now
past all Patience so that grinning between his high Anger for my contemptuous Treatment of the Grecians and the actual Pain he suffered from the Vigour of his own Bastinado By God cried he
Kitty Ill not be trifled with Monday is the Day on which your Happiness is determined and Happy you shall be rubbing his Leg all the Time in spite of yourself I know more of Easy Madam than you are aware of
And with these Words he hobbled out of the Room
What could I do my Dear I knew him to be exceeding obstinate particularly when Literature was in the Question besides I was rather piqued at the Positiveness and
Undutifulness of his Behaviour for I hold Undutifulness in a Parent to be the worst of all possible Offences And then too his last obscure Sentence in regard to Easy greatly perplexed me Just as I was in the Midst of all these Puzzles Easy came into the Room and discovering immediately by my Countenance that all was not Right enquired what was the Matter I as People in a Passion like Invalids are always bursting to tell their Complaints related all that had happened and to cut my Story short what with Persuasion and Argument on one Side and Fear and Displeasure and an odd Taste for Novelty and Eclat on the other recollecting too that very just Saying of the Poet that
The
Woman who deliberates is lost
which Easy very forcibly urged upon me he made the best of his Opportunity and within two Hours I found myself in a Postchaise half willing half unwilling nothing with me but my RidingHabit and some Linen and indeed not quite certain whether I was there myself
So you see my Dear how great Consequences like great Folks generally owe their Greatness to small Causes and little Incidents▪ for had not that unfortunate Dissertation upon the Grecians come across us and had not my Father when he catched up his Stick in consequence of my thwarting him there made that unpropitious Application to his own Shins instead
of the Ground which he intended we might probably have talked the Matter over coolly the Day of Marriage might have been postponed Pedant after several Protractions might in the End have been exploded or tired out and every Thing terminated as I could have wished for Whereas now my Father I dare say is raving like fifty Bedlamites and perhaps spouting Greek too at such a Rate that all the Country will take him for a Necromancer whilst I like a poor inconsiderate giddybraind Girl am flourishing away and killing Posthorses with a Knight Errant on a Journey to the Land of Matrimony without so much as a new Gown or a Weddingring prepared for the Occasion
Well my Dear Maria of all the silly Things you feel yourself disposed to never make a Runaway Match of it Though I dont think you are in any great Danger with all your Reserve and Prudence about matrimonial Matters And yet how should I laugh to see you for once as great a Madcap as myself To meet you upon the Road now going off as they say with your Officer Some how or other I am monstrously frightened I did not think I should have been half such a Coward when I sat out or Im sure he would never have persuaded me However I long anxiously for your Opinion about it Do you think I have acted Rightly If yes let me know instantly But if no you may as well keep your
Pen and Censure to yourself for since what is done is done I am determined to be in the Right so I tell you beforehand And yet you cant write to me for I have no Place of Address and now only steal this Hour from Sleep to scribble to you as we are off again very early in the Morning However we purpose seeing you at Foxhall on our Return when we shall not be in such a desperate Hurry as we are at present Adieu and believe me whether single or married
Yours ever Catharine Hartley
P S I received your last How different the Stile of our two Weddings will be As different as our Dispositions
WILLIAM EASY to CHARLES MELMOTH
Edinburgh
My Dear Charles
TO say that I am the happiest Creature existing will be only repeating what every vulgar Fool or Merchants Clerk has said upon the same Occasion and yet how else can I express myself Miss Hartley Miss Hartley now no more is mine by all the Ties of Love and Honour Dont think me mad and raving now and throw down my Letter in a Passion We were married Yesterday The Place my Letter is dated from will give
you some Information as to the grand Outline of our Proceedings the Particulars I am now going to furnish you with
I believe I mentioned in my last that I was not entirely satisfied with some Parts of Pedants Behaviour nor with the frequent Closetings and Conferences between him and old Hartley I cannot say that I paid any Attention to those Appearances at the Time but since they have turned out so consequential I must mention one particular Circumstance as it occurs to me before I proceed any farther About a Fortnight ago I remember when old Hartley had retired as usual to take his Afternoon Nap and Pedant and myself were left in the Parlour together I stept out of the Room
for about ten Minutes to relieve myself from the Fatigue of his Taciturnity by a little Conversation with my Kitty above Stairs Upon my Return finding the Wretch exactly where I left him absorpt in Cogitation I was in some doubt at first whether I ought not to attempt a Recovery from the Torpor he seemed to labour under by a salutary Tweak of the Nose when presently I observed the Forefinger of his Righthand placed cautiously and as if it was an Act of Deliberation across the Palm of his Left and after a few unintelligible Mutterings he began Syllogizing as follows
The Man who marries Miss Hartley gets her Fortune
I marry Miss Hartley
Ergo I get her Fortune
I could hold out no longer but instantly gave him the Negatur with a Voice that made him start as if he had seen the Ghosts of his Forefathers for he had not perceived that I was in the Room He jumpd up and
Rolld his Eyes that witnessed Huge Dismay
and turned out of the Room with a more meaning Confusion in his Countenance than I ever before observed there Now this little Circumstance I say knowing the Mans Stile and Character as well as several others had made me for some Time suspect that the old Gentleman and Pedant had some silly Piece of Contrivance in their Head However as nothing very Material appeared I doubted not but that with the
Help of my Dear Divinity I should be able gradually to Counteract them before they brought any Thing to a Conclusion The Event however proved the Contrary and as the Suddenness of their Explosion left me no Opportunity for Sap or Countermine in my Operations I was oblige to commit every Thing to the Hazard of a Coup de Main in which I happily succeeded Going a few Mornings since I believe it was Thursday into Kittys Dressingroom O Easy says she and I thought she seemed nettled at something Im glad you are come to give me Joy Monday next is the Day fixed on for my being made happy that is you know in my Fathers Dialect being married to Pedant Monday next
was my Reply And more than that continued she He is so Paternal as to tell me that I shall be made happy then whether I like it or not If he thinks he can effect this I fancy he will be about as cunning as Sancho in his Government when he sentenced a Criminal to sleep so many Nights in Prison But what is to be done Easy What Measures can we take to prevent all this For you know if one did feel an odd Fancy to accept of the Wretch one would chuse to take ones own Time about it Was not this a fair Opening Charles Little Cupid who I suppose sat upon my Shoulder immediately whisperd Scotland and a Postchaise and Four and offered himself as first Postillion Faith
I thought the young Fellow advised very sensibly so as he had mentioned it in Confidence to me I could not do otherwise than communicate it between a Kiss and a Whisper to the Ear of my Kitty She lookd a little Queerly at the Proposal and hesitated and said nothing When a Woman does not absolutely start at the first Intimation of a Thing of this Nature you may make yourself sure of her Consenting within half an Hour if it is not your own Fault So having once broke the Ice I thought it better like old Hartley to Strike whilst the Iron is hot and urged my Proposal upon her with all the Rhetoric I was master of I exaggerated the inevitable Danger she exposed herself to by
delaying any longer expatiated upon the unhappy Obstinacy of her Fathers Temper that as he had hitherto kept his Designs so secret as to the Time intended for her Marriage it was too probable that excited by his detestable Coadjutor he would adopt Measures for the effecting it which must utterly Ruin all our Prospects That it was not to be doubted but that her Father though he might at first be highly displeased with the Step I proposed would soon upon Consideration see Things in a proper Light and even be inclined to thank us for Counteracting him That all his Friends she very well knew had invariably condemned his strange Idea of sacrificing his Daughter to a Bookworm That
their Opinions would certainly have great Weight with him when the Delusion he at present laboured under was removed That as she knew how well he loved her his Displeasure would fall in some Part upon Pedant mutual Recriminations would ensue and the Animal would show himself in his proper Colours That at all Events her Fathers strange Treatment of her in this Business would entirely justify her Measures and that I could not say however highly I reverenced the Duty of Children towards their Parents that I thought it should be observed implicitly when so great a Stake as ones own Happiness or Misery was depending Whilst I was haranguing thus finely I could perceive by five
hundred little Changes in her Countenance what an internal Contest she was engaged in For Instance there was Love I suppose and the Novelty of the Thing and a little Pique against her Father all Volunteers on my Side the Question Then there was Prudence and Propriety and Punctilio and a whole Musterroll of Presbyterian Virtues like a City Militia on the other And like a City Militia there they stood by each other all in Form no doubt and made a great Show of Resistance but as soon as the other Party charged home upon them away they ran as if the Devil was at their Heels and not two were to be found together till all the Danger was over For guessing how
Matters stood with her I brought up to the Attack a Reinforcement of Arguments and at last as the Reward for all my Trouble drew from her Lips a dear Kind of half denying Affirmative which I took immediate Advantage of by running out of the Room whilst she remained in the right Humour and in short conducted every thing with so much Vigour that I believe within two Hours from the Time of our Consultation we found ourselves Cheek by Jole in a Postchaise together
And here we are now in Scotland as happy as any two new married People can be My dear Girl with all the Bloom of young Desire and purple light of Love glowing in her Cheeks is more winning
Soft more amiably Mild than all the Heathen Beauties I ever heard or read of if they were put together with their Goddesses at the Head of them O Charles How she looked Yesterday as we returned from the Altar With such a dear Demisaison April Smile upon her Countenance moistened with a Tear And every now and then she is so prettily Pensive which I love her ten Times more for from the Novelty of the Thing O Melmoth how rejoiced I am on all Accounts at what has happened For if her Father had been less Precipitate and Peremptory and I had not taken her at the Instant when every Thing was favourable the little Gipsy might have played me on and off for this Twelvemonth
and teazed my very Soul out By the Bye I wonder why that odd Urchin Cupid pitches upon Scotland as the Place of Rendezvous for all his mad Votaries unless he does it to caseharden their Hearts against all other Impressions by the Rigour of the Climate like hot Iron in cold Water Or perhaps he means to try whether their Passion will bear Change of Country and considers no Love as a true one which is not sufficient to keep a Man warm so many Degrees Northward and enable him to write Odes like a Laplander to his Orra Moor tho he is Knee deep in Snow all the Time
Well Charles I think I have done very handsomely in absenting myself so long from my
Gentle
Kate
on purpose to send an Account of Matters to you And if you dont think so to though I believe you are still uxorious enough to allow my Plea pray put yourself in my Situation for five Minutes and then if you are not amazed at my Abstinence I shall not scruple to call you the most unreasonable Fellow living whenever I meet you Adieu we are now going to station ourselves at Sir Thorobreds from whence Penitentials Mediatorials and Conciliatories will be dispatched to my queer Fatherinlaw with all due Ceremony and Expedition Encore Adieu Believe me tho married as much as ever your
William Easy
Sir THOROBRED RUGG to CHARLES MELMOTH Esq
Foxhall
DAmnation Charles Melmoth I believe every body is mad of our Acquaintance at least and are determined to make my House their Bedlam Heres your Brother George and Maria in the first Place they have been prating and preaching and palavering one another over till they have both persuaded themselves they were in Love and so then my Uncle was to be wrote to and fetched to see their Folly and consent to their Running in Couples
By and by I hear a confounded Noise and Rattle at my Gate and who of all the Fools in the World should bolt out of a Postchaise but our poor silly Friend Easy with Kitty Hartley tackd to his Tail by Way of Helpmate However they have had a long Run for it and good Sport I dare swear Let me see A damnd silly Scheme of old Hartleys about one Pedant first unkennelld them Twas at his House they broke cover And then took off strait an End to Edinburgh The old Fellow and Pedant after them full cry A fine Burst by God Well at Edinburgh they headed back it seems and before old Hartley got there were both earthd safe enough at Foxhall However the old Dog
stuck to the Scent and was here yesterday Morning by ten oClock to dig em out again As for Pedant he laggd and was lost some how as soon as he lost Scent of Matrimony However Im glad to see Easy has so much Bottom I never thought hed have run half so well And the old Buck is in good Humour too now he finds Things cant be altered
So I have got a fine Housefull of em too and not a Creature except your Brother knows which Side of a Horse to mount on like that poor stupid Rascal Nineveh that didnt know his Righthand from his left as King Solomon says I wish you and your Wife were here with all my Soul for the Lovers talk all of them so much
like Fools and Hartley so much like an old Schoolmaster that theres no bearing them and my Uncle you know is a devilish Slugg in Conversation at best So that at present Im absolutely not Master of my own House and can hardly squeeze in a Word edgeways about Surly or my Chesnut Stonehorse Faith I begin to find it very true what my old Friend Virgil used to tell me when I was at School in his Art of Prophecy that it was impossible to couple a Horses Neck to a Mans Head I believe he said People would laugh at you if you tried at it
Humano Capiti Risum tencatis Equinum
You remember what I mean And indeed he was pretty right there too for they generally do when I
begin and Will Easy in particular who knows no more of a Horse than I do of a Rhinoceros Poor ignorant Fellow And George too though he sometimes will ride with me yet he always pulls his Boots off and Dresses when he comes in and scents himself with all Manner of Nastiness for my Sister to smell to him He never goes by my Kennel but the Dogs give tongue and when he came down here was mistaken at two or three Inns for Bailey the great Perfumer in CockspurStreet So Im always obliged to carry a Foxs Pad in my Pocket to prevent being infected Love Love Love and Ottah of Roses from Morning till Night Damn it Ill go and coquet with my Horse
Thorobred Rugg
WILLIAM EASY to CHARLES MELMOTH
FoxhallSeptember
WELL my Dear Friend here we are all assembled like Characters in the last Scene of a Comedy for the Sake of Matrimony
• Dramatis Personae
• William Easy Esquire a young Gentleman of polite Accomplishments will that do to begin Charles just married to Miss Hartley against her Fathers Consent A Runaway Match Does that look Polite Im afraid it is too common amongst the Canaille now Damn the Dogs how soon they ape all our Fashions ey or Christopher Hartley Esquire a Sir Woudbe Literate Father to Miss Hartley displeased at first but afterwards reconciled to the Match
•George Melmoth a young Officer rather fine but of good Reputation I may venture to say that maynt I on the Brink of Matrimony with Miss Rugg
• Mr Rugg her Uncle and Guardian an inoffensive ChipinPorridge sort of a Man
• Sir Thorobred Rugg — whose Character I must omit as infinitely too Eccentrical for my Pen to do Justice to
• The Reverend Tom Fetlock a stupid Parson useful enough in the marrying Way
• Mrs Easy late Miss Hartley A Goddess
• Miss Rugg A good natured sensible Girl with a good Fortune
• And Sir Thorobreds two Aunts whom I had almost forgot to mention A Couple of old Snuffboxes or Rolls of Pigtail Tobacco
SCENE Foxhall
Servants Horses Victuals and Drink Licences Settlements c
ACT 1st SCENE 1st
And here if you please we will drop our Theatrical Embellishments
and give you a plain Historical Account of Things I mentioned in my last our Intention of stopping at Sir Thorobreds and dispatching our Penitentials from that Quarter But the old Gentleman has saved us the Trouble For we had hardly been stationed here four and twenty Hours just Time enough to tell our Adventures eat a comfortable Meal and enjoy a good Nights sleep upon it when the next Morning about half an Hour after Breakfast as I was sauntering in the Hall with the Baronet I heard a Carriage stop at the Gate and presently in stumpd old Hartley with his two Ivoryheaded Canes in one Hand and his Hat and Handkerchief in
the other You may guess I found myself in a little Embarras at his appearing so unexpectedly Sir Thorobred advanced to receive him
He beggd Pardon he said for troubling him with this Visit but that it was needless to mention the Occasion of it and that he should be glad of a little private Conversation with me
So in he went to Sir Thorobreds Study and I followed with as little Inclination as ever I did at Eton to receive a Flogging And faith I believe I lookd monstrous silly not unlike a condemned Schoolboy However as it has been always a Rule invariable with me whenever I am on the wrong Side of the Question to carry Matters
with an high Hand and behaving myself as the injured Person to astonish my Plaintiff into Silence by the unexpectedness of the Retort I resolved not to be wanting to myself in the present Attack and had already prepared a tolerable Volley of Recrimination to counterpoise my Antagonist when my Expectations were very agreeably disappointed So far from arraigning me with all the just Resentment of an injured Parent he only censured me mildly for the Precipitancy and Unkindness of my Conduct towards him and after sagaciously remarking which I suppose he had discovered in his Way from Edinburgh as well as ourselves that
What was done
could not be undone
and that
We should always make the best of a bad Bargain
with a few more pretty Proverbials of the same Sort he absolutely found me Guilty only of Petty Larceny and enquired kindly after his Daughter desiring to see her I need not tell you my Amazement at a Reception so entirely unhoped for nor of the many Vows and Protestations I gave him in return for it I ran up Stairs to Kitty whom I found with Miss Rugg at her Elbow in no small Consternation My Intelligence was Spirits of Hartshorn to her Down she came instantly not forgetting however to look as Melancholy and Repentant as possible and threw herself at
his Feet He immediately raised her up you know and so then after allowing a sufficient Quantity of Slobbering and Blessing and White Handkerchief Work all was well again I believe we are all apt to form Judgments of People in Proportion to their good or bad Behaviour towards ourselves and indeed we should be sad Wretches if we did not shew some such Gratitude to our Benefactors but I really think I never knew old Hartley so agreeable or felt half so much regard for him as at present We all get our Health here as well as can be expected and both young and old are exceedingly Convivial In about a Week your poor Brothers SlipKnot is
to be drawn tight and according to old Hartley I am likely to come in for a second Edition of Matrimony as he seems not at all satisfied with the Validity of any Thing on the other Side the Tweed So in for a Penny in for a Pound as they say I have nothing to do but submit myself And yet I dont know Charles a Double Knot is confoundedly difficult to be untied though one should have ever so great a Mind for it Well God help us poor Souls since we must
March Two and Two Newgate Fashion
as Bardolph says God help us say I and keep us all from Quarrelling and that we may not hate one another
is the sincere Wish and Prayer of William Easy the married Man
I had almost forgot to tell you that I could not rest till I had endeavoured to find out the Cause of Hartleys wonderful Acquiescence and where his Rarity of a Companion had bestowed himself Upon enquiring of his Servant I found that his Master upon first missing us which was about two Hours after our Departure flew into a most violent Passion and would have prepared for an immediate Pursuit now I did not imagine he would have pursued us at all but that upon Pedants overpersuasion they delayed it till the next Morning That upon their Arrival at Edinburgh finding
the Turtles paired and flown the old Gentleman appeared very thoughtful and hearing some how or other of our Intention to visit Foxhall he determined to follow us thither and proposed it to his Companion who seemingly acquiesced But that next Morning upon his enquiring after him at Breakfast no Pedant was to be found nor any body that could give the smallest Account of him Old Hartley was inconsolable and People were just beginning to propose a grand Searching of Horseponds Hogtubs and I suppose Necessaries had there been any when one of the Postilions or Bootcatchers recollected that he had seen a maddish looking Gentleman go out of their House very
early in the Morning to a StageCoach that was passing which he believed he went away with but could not tell whether it was in the Inside or the Basket So here all our Wonderments are unriddled and our Reception accounted for For the sneaking Animal you see finding all his Hopes at an End thinks proper to slink off and leave Hartley to make the best of it This piques the old Gentleman who begins at last to open his Eyes a little and perceive what a Fool he has been And so considering as he says that
What is done cannot be undone
he resolves to put the best Face upon Things and make up his Mind as well as he can about it before he sees us I wondered what the Deuce made
him so amazingly Piano upon the Occasion but this clears up the Mystery And as for Pedant he has shewn his Wisdom too For to be sure his Appearance at the Baronets must have been rather a silly one circumstanced as he was like Squire Gawkey at the End of a Pantomime when he finds Harlequin in full Possession of his Mistress So Alls well that Ends well that I may conclude like my Fatherinlaw with a Proverb and I forthwith subscribe myself
Yours sincerely W Easy