TO ADELAIDE MARIE DE MONTMORENCI
AFTER a long and painful journey through life with a heart exhausted by afflictions and eyes which can no longer supply tears to lament them I turn my every thought toward that grave on the verge of which I hover Oh why then too generous friend require me to live over my misfortunes Such has been the peculiarity of my fate that though tortured with the possession and the loss of
every tye and hope that exalts or endears humanity let but this feeble frame be covered with the dust from which it sprung and no trace of my ever having existed would remain except in the wounded consciences of those who marked me out a solitary victim to the crimes of my progenitors For surely I could never merit by my own the misery of living as I have done—of dying as I must do
Alas your partial affection demands a memorial which calls back to being all the sad images buried in my bosom and opens anew every vein of my heart Yet consummate misery has a moral use and if ever these sheets reach the publick let the repiner at little evils learn to be juster to his God and himself by unavoidable comparison But am I not assuming an insolent consequence in thus admonishing Alas it is the dearbought privilege of the unfortunate to be tedious
My life commenced with an incident so extraordinary as the following facts alone could incline any one to credit As soon as capable of reflection I found myself
and a sister of my own age in an apartment with a lady and a maid older than herself —Every day furnished us with whatever was necessary for subsistence or improvement supplied as it seemed by some invisible hand for I rarely missed either of the few who commonly surrounded me This Recess could not be called a cave because it was composed of various rooms and the stones were obviously united by labor yet every room was distinct and divided from the rest by a vaulted passage with many stairs while our light proceeded from small casements of painted glass so infinitely above our reach that we could never seek a world beyond and so dim that the beams of the sun were almost a new object to us when we quitted this retirement These remarks occurred as our minds unfolded for at first we were content through habit and ignorance nor once bestowed a thought on surrounding objects The lady I have mentioned called us her children and caressed us both with parental fondness —Blest with every gentle charm
it is not wonderful she fully possessed the affections of those who had no one else to idolize Every morning we met in a larger room than the rest where a very venerable man performed mass and concluded with a discourse calculated to endear retirement From him we learnt there was a terrible large place called the world where a few haughty individuals commanded miserable millions whom a few artful ones made so that Providence had graciously rescued us from both nor could we ever be sufficiently grateful Young hearts teem with unformed ideas and are but too susceptible of elevated and enthusiastic impressions Time gave this man insensibly an influence over us as a superior being to which his appearance greatly contributed Imagine a tall and robust figure habited in black and marked by a commanding austerity of manners —His features bore the traces of many sorrows and a kind of early old age which interested every observer The fire and nobility of his eye the gracefulness
of his decay and the heartaffecting solemnity of his voice
While on his reverend temples grew
The blossoms of the grave
gave an authority almost irresistible to Father Anthony as we called him from hearing our mamma to whom we understood he was brother He usually partook our dinner and from that time till the next morning vanished for we knew not how or where he went The interval we passed in little useful works or in conversation with our mamma whose only employment was that of forming our minds for the world we were taught to dread — She was our world and all the tender affections of which I have since proved my heart so full centered in her and my sister Time and sorrow had given a wan delicacy to features exquisitely regular while the soft symmetry of her person united every common idea of beauty and elegance to a feminine helplessness which is when unaffected the most interesting of all charms Her temper was equal and her understanding enriched by a most extensive
knowledge to which she was every day adding by perpetual study Inclined strongly by nature to serious reflection and all her favorite employments I used to pass those hours at her side Ellinor devoted to her playthings or to Alice whose memory was overcharged with those marvellous tales children always delight in As our ideas every day expanded we thought more and more concerning our origin and our imprisonment We knew Father Anthony constantly disappeared but how or where was a secret beyond our comprehension for in all our researches we never found a door except those common to the family and which shut us from the world Ellinor whose lively imagination readily imbibed the romantic and extravagant conjectured we were in the power of some giant nay such was her disgust to Father Anthony that she sometimes apprehended he was a magician and would one day or other devour us I had a very different idea and fancied our retreat a hallowed circle to seclude us from the wicked while Father Anthony
was our guardian genius Frequently we by agreement interrogated Alice who though fond to the common degree of an old nurse of both but more especially Ellen resisted those little arts nature herself inspires Our mamma we now and then ventured to sound but her gravity always disconcerted us and we retreated from a vain attempt
She once absented herself fourteen days and left us to our own conjectures in a spot truly chearless Part of the time we spent in searching once more for a door and the rest in childish lamentations for her loss which Alice still assured us would be but a temporary one Inflexible in the discharge of her duty she still persisted in locking our apartment every day after dinner at which time all who had occasion doubtless passed in and out of the Recess
Being deprived of my customary resource books to amuse a part of our melancholy leisure we mutually agreed to invent tales from the many wholelength pictures which ornamented the best room
and to take them as they came alternately Ellinor readily invented a ludicrous story upon the portrait of an old man which made us both laugh heartily I turned my eyes to consider what I should say about the next they rested on the figure of a man of noble mien his dress I then knew no name for but have since found to be armour a page held his helmet and his hair of a pale brown fell over his shoulders He was surrounded with many emblems of martial merit and his eyes which seemed bent on me were full of a tender sweetness A sentiment of veneration mingled with a surprising softness pierced my soul at once my tongue faltered with a nameless idea and I rested my head against the shoulder of my sister That dear girl turned to me with quickness and the beam of her eye was like that of the picture I surveyed her over and over and found in every feature the strongest resemblance when she frowned she had all his dignity when she smiled all his sweetness An awe I could not conquer made me unable
to form any tale on that subject and I directed my attention toward the next It represented a lady in the flower of youth drest in mourning and seeming in every feature to be marked by sorrow a black veil half shaded a coronet she wept over If the last picture awakened veneration this seemed to call forth a thousand melting sensations the tears rushed involuntarily into our eyes and clasping we wept upon the bosoms of each other Ah who can these be cried we both together Why do our hearts thus throb before inanimate canvas surely every thing we behold is but part of one great mystery when will the day come destined to clear it up We walked arm in arm round and moralized on every portrait but none interested us like these we were never weary of surveying or talking about them a young heart is frequently engrossed by a favorite idea amid all the glare of the great world nor is it then wonderful ours were thus possessed when entombed alive in such a narrow boundary I knew not why
but we lived in the presence of these pictures as if they understood us and blushed when we were guilty of the slightest folly
The moment our mamma returned we flew into her arms and interrupted her tender caresses with importunate enquiries concerning these favorite pictures She regarded us with astonishment—her eyes filled with tears and she bade us leave her to recover herself alone Shortly after she summoned Alice and held with her a conversation which restored her tranquillity but she carefully avoided our enquiries endeavouring to diversify our hours by music drawing poetry geography and every ornamental branch of education Whenever we verged toward an hint about the retreat—wait my dear girls she would say the appointed hour—alas one may follow it when you will wish yourselves still uninformed —Impressed with an undefinable melancholy our years passed on till womanhood approached
Pardon me if I linger over these scenes I have but few such to relate and they are all of my life upon which my heart dares to pause How are we born to invent our own miseries We start forward from the goal of youth fearless and impatient nor know the heights and depths through which we must labor oppressed in turn by every element and often over whelmed with that most in supportable of all burthens our own dissatisfied souls How have I wept the moment I quitted the Recess—a moment I then lived but in hope of To be always erring is the weakness of humanity and to be always repenting its punishment—Alas could we learn wisdom without experience mankind would perhaps be too happy
Father Anthony in time ingratiated himself with us by his continual remonstrances against our being shut up in a place which bounded our ideas so much that he despaired of making us comprehend half of what he taught us We seconded his advice with endless entreaties Our mamma who was persuasion itself in her
own person was not proof against it in that of another Alas my children would she often say by what fatality do you so passionately desire to leave a home you will hereafter remember with a pleasure full of regret In vain you would return to it—you will lose a taste for the tranquil enjoyments this solitude offers without perhaps finding any to supply them Yet far be the selfish weakness from my heart of punishing you even for your welfare You shall see this admired world May it ever please you as it will at first sight
We embraced her with youthful transport and then each other—We shall go at last exclaimed both together we shall see many more like ourselves
What say you children cried she ah you will see few indeed like yourselves
The next day was appointed for our enfranchisement We packed and unpacked our little luggage fifty times over for mere employment till the appointed hour came when we were summoned to the
chamber of our only friend who was walking about apparently agitated with a secret
Are you grieved mamma cried I that we are going to be happy
Ah no Matilda I am grieved because I think you are just ceasing to be so In this peaceful solitude I could supply to you every lost relation—the adopted children of my heart I stood between you and a fate at once distinguished obscure and affecting—Alas why do you wrest yourselves and your secret from me Why do you oblige me to tell you you must never more call me any thing but Mrs Marlow
Never more call you mamma sighed I incoherently who then are our parents
You have no father he who gave you a being sleeps in the bosom of God
Our mother—
Lives—but not for you—enquire no farther let this specimen of knowledge teach you to fear it—When the time requires it I shall disclose your whole story
—weep no more my lovely my affecting girls I have lost but a name for my nature is unalterable All who will see us know I never was married which absolutely compelled me to this discovery But I dare believe they will rely on my rectitude and welcome you by whatever name I shall give you Reasons you will hereafter know induce me always to conceal a retreat where alone I could have hid you and both must ere we leave it solemnly promise never to disclose the secret
Chilled with this solemn preparation our desire of liberty vanished we felt like links struck from the chain of creation and still with restless imaginations explored the remainder of a mystery which we wept by anticipation She lives but not for you were words whose sound vibrated to my heart while pleasure danced around me and the doubt attending the future often robbed the present of enjoyment
After we had made at her knees the strict promise required she muffled our
faces and taking my hand as Alice did my sisters led us through many cold passages for some minutes when unbinding our eyes we found ourselves in a noble cloister We flew into the garden it bordered and how strong was the impression of the scene before us from the mansion which stood on a hill spread a rich and fertile valley mingled with thickets half seen or clustered hamlets while through the living landscape flowed a clear river
—and to the main
The liquid serpent drew his silver train
The sun was sinking involved in swelling waves of gold and purple upon whom we almost gazed ourselves blind for though we had often read and heard of his effulgence the author of universal being can alone display it Imagination Madam may sometimes surpass the wonders of art but those of nature leave all imagination far behind
Mrs Marlow led us through the Abbey which might rather be called a palace it
was erected upon the ruins of a Monastery destroyed at the Reformation and still was called by the name of St Vincent It had all the Gothic magnificence and elegance and we learnt with pleasure that Mrs Marlow the sister of its owner Lord Scroope was considered by every servant as its mistress A noble apartment within hers was allotted for us and the charms of the new world mingled with our melancholy reveries alike destroying our rest The rising of the sun whose first beams gilt our windows rouzed us entirely Methinks while I expatiate on these trifles time seems suspended and the scene still existing before me The rich dewdrops those jewels with which nature decks her bosom glittering to the rays that wandered over the grass the various animals that seemed to derive a daily existence from the return of that glorious orb the morning hymn of the winged creation all united to awaken our gratitude and humble us before the author of our being Accept oh God would we cry spontaneously the
adoration of two hearts who know no claim in this mighty universe but thee oh deign to bless the desire of doing right with the power and if only sorrow touch our hearts sanctify it with resignation so when time delivers us up to eternity hope may be our conductor
We were delighted with a playful group of fawns and deer with whom we longed to frolic and stole through Mrs Marlows chamber into the park by a passage she had pointed out to us the day before What was our surprize when we saw those with whom we had in idea mingled were large fierce creatures and that had they not run from us we must from them that every bird feared its natural protector and that man lived in continual warfare with every things in creation even to his own species
I am tedious and must have done with these puerilities which yet on reflection yield the purest pleasures of our lives Mrs Marlow procured for us the best instructors in every art and science that remote residence afforded and by her own
example gave that elegant finish to our manners precept never can Extremely detached by our situation from society we easily discerned Mrs Marlow was willing we should be so for she frequently expressed anxiety at the thoughts of Lord Scroopes return who I understood was sent ambassador to the Hague from Queen Elizabeth Our masters our servants and the various rustics who tenanted the estate met in the chapel of St Vincents Abbey once a week and those were all our intercourse with society On the evening of every Sunday we regularly went to the cell of Father Anthony which was a cot raised by Lord Scroope to whom he stood in the same relation as Mrs Marlow on the verge of a large wood which sheltered the mansion behind Here while we were indulged with all those simple repasts novelty gives charms to our minds were enlarged by conversations on every thing sublime or instructive If benevolence drew Mrs Marlow abroad she made us always her companions and gave her alms but through our hands ordering
us ever to add some mite of our own in proportion to our means Avarice is rarely the vice of youth at least if I may •udge by my own heart for the chief joy of receiving to me was that of giving Nor could Charity have descended to earth in a more lovely form than that of Mrs Marlow At a tale of distress her eye assumed a melting benignity rarely seen and never described while her approach gave that pleasure to every sufferer one should feel at the visible presence of a guardian angel
Three years elapsed in this manner ere Lord Scroope returned and when he did he was so deeply engaged in politics that the various presents he continually sent from London was to us the only difference
Still the sad found—your mother lives—but not for you rung through our hearts occasionally still we equally desired to discover the Recess and wandered through St Vincents Abbey with the same curiosity we once before did through that The more we reflected the
more we were convinced it must be near us but the respect we had for Mrs Marlows solemn injunctions sealed our lips to every servant and we never were allowed to ramble unattended
Mrs Marlow endued with the purest principles justly conceived happiness the noblest use of understanding and bent her whole attention towards convincing us the fate appointed us was the most desirable in the world Here would she say in a happy retirement free alike from the drudgeries of high or low life peace and innocence becalms your hearts and blooms on your cheeks Unenvying and unenvied as now may that moment find you none can avoid Ah how unlike the vices and miseries of a court There you can have no vice so injurious to yourselves as sincerity no merit like hypocrisy Love and friendship are unknown and their names made use of but to entrap the unwary Women that have beauty are destroyed by it and all who have not are neglected The gifts of man take place of the gifts of God and money
alone constitutes merit—Ah never never my dear girls can you enough bless that indulgent Providence which withdraws you from it
Shall I confess my vanity When I looked in the glass I did not think I should be neglected even at court I had no opportunity for forming any just comparison indeed for the rustics around us scorched with toil had only charms enough left to shew what they might have been with care The clearness of my complexion and the delicacy of my features left me no equal but my sister Nay even our habits though often only of a finer camblet than theirs were made in so different a manner that they did not appear to be composed of the same materials
However disposed to profit by the advice of our more than parent Heaven did not permit us to be happy The clouds broke at once over our heads Mrs Marlow our only tye on earth and therefore doubly prized was seized with a fever the more dangerous because it
was not violent enough at first to shew itself To paint our distraction would be a vain attempt Kneeling on each side her bed for fourteen days and nights we by tears and inward supplications persecuted the Almighty Affectionately attached to us she struggled for our sakes with the disorder till having worn her down to a skeleton it began at last to abate but notwithstanding every effort of art could never be eradicated Scarce had we breathed after this distress when an express from London delivered a pacquet to Mrs Marlow which occasioned her instantly to summon Father Anthony they remained in consultation for some time when they bade Alice order us instantly to join them
My children said Mrs Marlow faintly an unforeseen event obliges us once more to retire to the Recess Every thing is at this moment preparing for our reception You are now at years to judge of the importance of its concealment nor will I longer make it a mystery—But why thus afflict yourselves for a temporary restraint
If I am willing for your sakes to be carried thither like a corpse into a tomb surely you will not be so ungenerous as to vent one selfish lamentation
Effectually silenced by this noble reproof we collected in confusion and grief our clothes and ornaments when returning to her room we found there Father Anthony an old domestick called James Alice and the Housekeeper who having dispersed the other servants preceded us to a storeroom on the ground floor and opening a press unfastened a false back which conducted us into a closet dark but for our torches She then lifted a part of the floor fitted very neatly and discovered a narrow pair of stairs down which we went leaving her behind and effectually secured ourselves by bolting it firmly on the inside We past through several subterraneous passages built on arches and preserved from damps by cavities which passed through every statue that ornamented the garden till at last we reached our prison But judge of
my astonishment when I found the so oftensought entrance was a door of the size of that portrait which first gave me such singular sensations and which I perceived was made to fall together with a spring almost imperceptible
Father Anthony silenced the exclamations I would have made and drew me at once to Mrs Marlow who pale and lifeless with the fatigue of this removal gave additional terrors to the moment Whether the agitation of her mind increased her malady or it was originally beyond cure I know not but saw with spechless affliction from the moment of our return to the Recess she would never leave it alive Enclosed in a spot without sufficient air attendance or advice we saw her finish her generous attachment to us by resolutely resisting our intreaties
Let us quit this dreary place I would say if but for a cottage Let us not in losing you have the cruel aggravation of contributing to so great a misfortune—Oh
what more can we have to fear than the loss of all we love
Why why my children returned she thus embitter a common fate Can I who have voluntarily passed my youth in a tomb dread to bury my dust in it You know my opinion is singular nor do I think man could avert the stroke when God recalls us however wise or willing If I had been taken earlier from you indeed heavy to all must have been the calamity but after having taught you to live there remains this only lesson and my duty is complete you now are enabled to judge for yourselves confide in God and he will not desert you
Alas would I cry drowned in tears from your eye alone have we learnt when we did any thing aright we shall no longer know good from evil when that dear eye is closed
Matilda replied she with a solemn air remember only when you are called to any important action to consult your heart in solitude God has placed in that
heart an unerring monitor and if we hear not the small still voice it is because we drown it in the noise of the world then shall we meet again to part no more then at the tribunal of the Most High I shall gladly say these treasures O Lord didst thou entrust to my hand unfullied behold even so I restore them
Rising up as she pronounced these words she held a hand of each of us to her heart while her eyes streamed with a kind of glory when lifted toward her Creator Never did I see such an animated figure her soul seemed that moment bursting from its beauteous mansion to join its sister angels
Matilda and Ellinor my more than children you recollect said she I suppressed your curiosity once by telling you I would reveal your secret finally when the hour demanded it That hour is come Alas I cannot but weep to remember that a thousand interesting ideas are now going to withdraw your affections from her who agonizes over you
We kissed her hand in speechless sorrow—
Tis true continued she my brother might hereafter disclose your story but there are among its incidents some that need the gentleness of a woman to teach you to bewail without imitating In this little history you will find the full motive of my retreat and the means by which it was effected
You already know I am sister to the present Lord Scroope but you know not that I derived my birth from the illjudged zeal of my mother Bred up a Papist she no sooner entertained a passion for Lord Scroope than she formed a design to convert him to the Catholick religion She was handsome as I have always heard and he was young he affected to be sensible of her efforts which redoubled her zeal She thought the love of Heaven alone actuated her heart but he took advantage of those moments and she found too late she had sacrificed her own souls welfare to his indulgence her relations
who had the more encouraged her as my father was a great match in point of fortune exasperated at an error they ought rather to have charged themselves with shut her up and treated her with the utmost rigor
In this terrible situation she was delivered of me her relations took me instantly from her sight they wrapt me in the most disgraceful habiliments and sent me with a letter full of the bitterest threats and taunts to my father Far from feeling that indifference very young men usually behold their offspring with he received me as the first gift of Heaven and committing me to the charge of proper people made me of no less consequence than if I had been his legitimate daughter and heiress of his estate
In the mean time my mother was kept in total ignorance of the fate of her child miserable in her own heart and eternally taunted for the disgrace she had brought on her family she at length resolved to make her escape to Lord Scroope —she effected it and found in
his house the treasure of all her hopes her child but as she was not of an age to be independent on her being discovered by her kindred she was again torn from his arms and I was forever bereaved of a mother before I was sensible I had one How often did my father repent his injustice to her it hung heavy on his soul in life and was most terrible in death In vain he sought her for never from that hour did Heaven permit the erring pair to meet A few years afterwards he married and had by his wife the present Lord this circumstance far from lessening his affection endeared me still more to him he remembered I had no fortune but from his bounty no claim but on his heart His Lady having no more children began to consider me as her daughter and the misfortune of my birth was almost forgotten In this situation I grew up caressed by all his friends and admired infinitely more than I deserved for from the time my brother grew of an age to appear in the world Lord Scroope had left St Vincents Abbey for the Court
Many matches offered of which my father often entreated me to chuse I however saw no man with a preference and as I was sensible my heart was too tender not to become partial I wished to evade all proposals till then I had in this interval the misfortune to lose my father whose senses failing him in his last sickness he had no power to make a necessary provision for me yet in his delirium he raved of me and my mother continually I felt this loss the less sensibly as I was treated with the utmost generosity and tenderness by my brother and the dowager Lady Scroope but I found my train of admirers diminish apace when one appeared who atoned in my eyes for the loss of a thousand He was a young WestIndian possessed of a considerable fortune an amiable person and an untainted heart When I say I loved him I speak but coldly you will know how well hereafter Mr Colville for that was his name was of a character too much resembling the young Lord Scroopes not to be favoured by him He proved by
the generosity or his behaviour the sincerity of his love neither the misfortune of my birth or want of riches diminished his ardor but rather on the contrary augmented it His fortune was independent and I was not desirous of more than a very moderate competence The day of our marriage was fixed and arrived equally wished by both We were united in the presence of the Lord and Lady Scroope who had loaded me with noble presents Our hearts were gay and a large company assembled on the occasion invented a thousand diversions I was sitting after dinner at the head of the table singing when a servant entered and whispered my husband he rose up and followed him into the next room my eyes were industrious to find him and as he left the door open I perceived him from an opposite pier glass take a packet of letters from a man he held them in his hand till I ceased singing and then began reading he continued to do so some minutes when I saw his hand shake with great violence which soon diminishing
he fell to the ground I started up in the utmost agitation — he was cold and convulsed I took up the papers but had not read half as far before I was as insensible as himself
Mrs Marlow was so affected at this passage she had not power to proceed at last recovering she held up her hands while her sine eyes were drowned in tears and repeated
Let me not oh God since I survived that moment sink under the remembrance of it I must cut short description my children on a circumstance which so nearly affects my heart The letters were from his mother after telling him she had suffered him to depart with the more ease for England as she wished to have an opportunity of declaring a secret to him shame had long suppressed and which her decaying health forbid her longer to conceal she related the incidents of her life a few of which decided our fate and convinced me the same parents gave birth to both What a terrible discovery I shall pass over those events
you already know and only mention that on being forced by her tyrannical relations from Lord Scroopes house they sent her under the care of an uncle in the Spanish service to the WestIndies During the passage she found herself again with child her kinsman exasperated at this circumstance used every means to prevail on her to marry Mr Colville a settler whose plantations joined his and who was a passenger on boardthe same vessel without acquainting him with her situation Persecuted and distressed on all sides she at last took a resolution on the first occasion to declare all to her lover His assiduity furnished her with one ere long which she did not neglect As soon as he had conquered his surprise he assured her she should never repent her generous confidence in his honor which affected him the more sensibly as his friend would meanly have deceived him He owned himself so attached that if she could give up fruitless hopes to partake his fortune he would marry her directly without claiming any right from the ceremony
but that of releasing her from the tyranny of her kindred and hereafter providing in the same manner for her child as he would for any of his own Overcome with the severity of her treatment from those who were bound to pity her and sensible the stranger who could speak so generously on the subject might make her as happy as she now durst hope to be she requested time to deliberate on the proposal he granted it Some days elapsed during which she resolved to secure to herself the privilege of keeping one of her children by consenting They were united by a holy father then on board who at Mr Colvilles desire gave out he had married them two months before in London but concealed it from some motives respecting the ladys friends Her uncle under whose care she was not suspecting the eclaircissement was astonished how she had brought her lover to consent to this but as his authority was at an end by her compliance with his wishes he affected the utmost satisfaction and offered them some valuable presents
Mr Colville whose ingenuous heart abhorred his meanness refused with contempt those poor compensations for a deceit which might have proved so fatal to his happiness nor left him to suppose he was ignorant of the favor intended him He painted the infamy of the proceeding in the strongest colours and on their arrival at Jamaica carried his bride to his own plantation without deigning to take leave of her relation Here said the dear lady I gave birth my son to you and here I first learnt to be happy The generous kindness with which Mr Colville treated you the unwearied attention he shewed to me deserved and obtained my whole heart It seemed as if the sincerity of my conduct had cancelled its errors I may truly say I never saw him caress you without ardently wishing you had a claim to the name he bestowed on you You grew up without my ever hearing of your real father and as it little became me to wound the heart of my husband I preserved an absolute silence on the subject nor seemed to remember
such a person ever had existed I will not say I never thought of him nature taught you to recall him to my mind by a thousand artless gestures —I gave you after some years two sisters and a brother the loss of whom you doubtless remember A generous though silent struggle continued during their lives between Mr Colville and myself I always attempted to convince him you though the elder had not more than a just portion of my love and he no less anxiously sought to satisfy me his own children had not made him forget what he had promised respecting you Heaven however took them to itself and Mr Colville divided between you and me a fortune too dearly gained by his loss though you have paid the tribute of filial gratitude over his grave my son remember that is insufficient you owe him every thing and can never discharge the obligation Your youth and the pleasure Mr Colville took in being called your father made it very improper I should intrust to you a secret so humiliating to myself and diftressing
to him yet sensible of the necessity I have since his death a thousand times resolved on it and as Constantly given up the design At last my dear child you rendered it easier to me by proposing to visit England and I suffered you to go with less regret because I hoped you there would find another parent one whose claim in you is the same with mine and one who I am assured will proudly acknowledge you Go then my dear Anthony to Lord Scroope shew him this letter tell him for I am not afraid to say it even to yourself I send him a son worthy of a nobler name than theweakness of your mother has given you Tell him I will not allow him to provide for your sister Gertrude since the fortune I possess is already destined to her if living Do you my dear Anthony repair my loss to her for never in respect to my husbands memory will I see again the father of my children this place shall be my grave and here while life remains I will bless my dear children and pray that
the sins of their parents may never be visited upon them
Vain wish said Mrs Marlow the stroke was already given Judge for me my dear girls what I felt on reading such tender sentiments and remembering the characters were those of a mother
We were removed to separate apartments Mr Colville no longer my husband had strength of constitution but not strength of mind to support this calamity he fell into a deep melancholy and shut himself from all the world as to me Heaven in mercy took away my senses by a violent fever I remained in a dangerous situation several weeks during which time he formed a resolution my resteration gave him opportunity to effect Each wanting courage to see the other he informed me by letter he only waited my consent to return to his own country and dispose of his effects the produce of which might endow the monastery where he should receive the holy habit He conjured me to support
a misfortune his letter convinced me he was unable to endure The sad choice he had made was already mine I wrote to inform him of it I conjured him never to betray to our mother the fatal event of her concealment but to persuade her we were both happy —What a vain request had not Heaven deprived her of ever seeing him how could he have concealed so exquisite a distress —A wound in the heart will ever bleed on the flightest touch
I recovered my senses but that disgust with which every disappointment and how much more so deep a one overwhelms a young mind made every thing odious to me the hours when I was so pleasingly deceived were all I reckoned in my life Before I left my room my Lords marriage with the Lady Matilda Howard was concluded his union with the first Lady in England both in birth and beauty gave the greatest pleasure to all who loved him Little able and less disposed to assist at festivities I retired on the plea of bad health to the Abbey
The death of the Dowager Lady Scroope in the midst of the pleasures entirely damped them Lord Scroope conducted his new Lady into the country to pass the time of mourning the amiable engaging bride conceived a friendship forme which as is frequently the case in roble minds had perhaps its source in my misfortunes With all the graces that adorn grandeur Lady Scroope had the sweet simplicity of a village maid a heart full of the most exquisite delicacy and sensibility and features which did justice to her mind My Lord perfectly adored her and her rank and charms soon made me find St Vincents Abbey no longer a retirement
A letter came in a short time from my brother which informed me on his arrival at Jamaica he found my mother had died during his absence this was accompanied with bills for a large sum as my portion of her valuable legacy There is something so tender in the name the idea of a mother although unknown chat in spite of my other afflictions I found
a very sensible one in her loss My heart had now no resting place Before the remembrance that the blow came from her however unintentionally gave me a little courage which I was not sure I possessed till it was lost There is a pleasure to hearts capable of refinement in sacrificing something to the friends we love the silence we endured to save her from distress had lessened mine which now broke forth anew The amiable Lady Scroope neglected nothing to soften it she used every effort to prevent my retiring to the monastery as I had purposed her influence over her Lord made her wishes too surely his for him to neglect adding his intreaties the obligations I owed his family the esteem I had for his Lady and the very refinement I have mentioned made me unable to refuse I could never make too large amends for such kindness My sisterinlaw who rather boasted than disowned the title to gratify me neglected the amusements natural to her years and a mind at ease it seemed as if I had the authority vested in her and
not her will but mine directed the family Our guests departed by degrees and Lady Scroopes brother the young Duke of Norfolk with some other relations alone remained
To satisfy my brother Anthony no levity had erased from my mind the tender ties which once united us and which neither time nor reason could ever entirely dissolve I laid before him the motives of my conduct and conjured him to believe since I could never be his I never would be anothers Lady Scroope not being able to prevail on me to return to London departed without me after extorting a promise that I would think no more of a nunnery She had left the Abbey three months when she gave birth to the present Lord to the inexpressible joy of her husband To shew all the gratitude in my power for the favors I had received both from Lord Scroope and his mother I divided my fortune and insisted on their accepting half as a present to the young heir The generous Matilda would have returned it but her Lord
more sensible of the value of money received the gift She reproached me for it with that kind raillery which friends know how to make so agreeable she told me she should cease to love me since the world would now call her attachment interested
In the time of her absence I spent many hours in reviewing the ruins with which this place abounded the gloomy magnificence of those great remains of art was more suited to my sadness of soul than the softer and more varied scenes of nature the liking I had conceived for these places doubtless first caused the housekeeper to shew me the Recess She had lived in the family a vast number of years and knew the secret How often had I walked through its ruined ailes without suspecting it could possibly contain one habitable spot I will now my dear children explain its situation and structure —It was once inhabited by nuns of the order of St Winifred but deserted before the
abolition of Convents from its ruinous condition in this situation it remained many years shunned by the country people and devoutly visited by those travellers whom chance or curiosity brought this way When the Reformation in the time of Henry robbed the monks of their vast domains the ancestor of Lord Scroope obtained this land of the King he pulled down the monastery to erect a convenient mansion in the same taste and discovered a secret passage from thence to the Convent it was blocked up without being generally known and the ruins left as an addition to the prospect nor till chance gave the communication a value was it remembered The nobleman who could obtain so vast a favor tis needless to mention professed the reformed religion but not able to forget that in which he had been brought up his house became the asylum of many of the unrevenued fathers this circumstance being noticed he found his views in the world depended on his expelling them when the secret passage occurred
to his remembrance He had the stones removed cautiously by the holy fathers and found the place well arched and paved and free from damps it terminated in a room they supposed to have been the refectory and which still remained entire They removed by degrees such accommodations as were necessary into it and thither the refugees retired being supplied with food from the Abbey but finding themselves shut up in too small a place and in total want of employment they began working under ground and by degrees formed two other passages from the Recess one of which ends in the Hermits cave where the eldest of them lived and the other in the midst of the ruins Thus providing against discovery or rather securing their escape if that should happen In surveying the ruins they found several places enclosed and yet undemolished from among those they selected the few we have lived in chusing them always separated to prevent suspicion Thus in a few years each father had his own
cell and a monastery was hid among the ruins of the convent At length the severity of government abating several of the monks ventured again into the world and of the eight who made it their asylum two only ended their days here Lord Scroope sensible of the value of such a retirement carefully kept the secret when its inhabitants were gone two servants alone knew it and they were faithful nor till the housekeeper told me the story had I an idea of such a place
This account appeared almost fabulous to me —the ruin was at least half a mile from the mansion which then had a view of it rising plantations daily diminished till the wood became frequented or indeed passable only on the side near the Hermits cave I impatiently desired to explore the whole romantic secret
The housekeeper did not delay a moment to gratify my curiosity she summoned an old servant who knew the way with torches to lead me through the windings The arched roof which was
by some contrivance in the building kept astonishingly free from damps echoed to our very feet The gloominess of the scene accorded with my ideas and suggested a scheme which I have since thought a providential one to my mind The division of the rooms the bare walls and holes in the roof for air displeased me but since my affection for Lord and Lady Scroope debarred me from devoting myself to a convent I resolved to fit this place up and retire to it whenever the owners with their guests made St Vincents Abbey too gay for me Three times I visited it and each time found my desire greater I discoursed with the old man who from a considerable reward I offered him agreed with the assistance of his son who was a builder to render this a comfortable habitation I was unwilling to admit a third person into the secret but soon discovered his son James was already acquainted with it They directly began lodging their implements in the cave which was altered to give a face to the whole Three months made
it what it now is charmed with a device which I little foresaw would be useful to my friends the housekeeper and my maid Alice brought by my direction every necessary to the dark room from whence the men fetched them The time of my Lords return drew nigh the place was aired and my books and clothes already carried there no sooner had I resigned the care of the family into the hands of my amiable sister than I acquainted her with my intended retreat Her surprise was extreme at seeing how commodious we had rendered so sequestered a spot but being fearful if she opposed my resolution of seeming to constrain me she suffered me to indulge my fancy Hither then I retired attended by Alice and James the latter of whom lived in the cave to secure us from discovery and furnish us every little convenience This solitude so suitable to the sadness of my soul was inexpressibly agreeable to me it had all the advantages of a nunnery without the tie
to continue in it a restriction the most likely to make retirement odious My brother Anthony with whom I constantly corresponded charmed with the description of a spot so well calculated for hearts wounded like his and mine assured me instead of shutting himself up in a convent for which he felt he had no vocation as soon as he thought he could bring himself to consider me only as a sister he would fix his residence in the cave
I had remained there two months when a messenger arrived to recall Lord Scroope to Court the cause could not remain a secret Mary of Scotland that beautiful and unfortunate Queen who had been imprisoned by her subjects as an accessary to the murder of her husband had found means to escape and implore the protection of Elizabeth The jealousy and hatred that princess had long entertained for one so superior in those endowments most admired by herself made this step excusable in Mary only
from the cruelty of her situation But did not that very situation entitle her to royal treatment In Elizabeth many noble qualities are mingled with impatience caprice pride and excessive vanity Overjoyed at getting a rival into her hands doubly formidable instead of offering Mary a princely asylum till on the proof of her innocence she should be restored to her crown Elizabeth instantly made the Queen of Scots sensible of her power by dropping those ardent expressions of friendship and esteem with which all her letters had before been filled most probably to hide the very reverse and insisting on her consenting to be tried by laws with which she was unacquainted and never yet subject to It was to propose those harsh terms to Mary the Queen had sent for Lord Scroope she deputed him in concert with the duke of Norfolk and several other Lords Commissioners to receive from Mary her justification and examine into the authenticity of the proofs
The deserted nay almost betrayed Queen of Scotland too late found how little the professions of the great are to be relied on She was now in a worse condition than if she had still remained in her own country and submitted to laws by which she had governed Compelled by the severity of her fate to bend to a woman but equal with herself to give herself up a prisoner to a government she had never offended and over which she was probably destined to reign as a criminal to attempt a justification before people too probably ordered to condemn her and even if they avoided that too politic to clear her innocence and restore her freedom For the Queen of England had already placed a number of people around her who watched all her steps so cautiously that they wanted only the name to become a guard Amid all these fears and mortifications submission was Marys only measure She had learnt young as she was to submit with dignity and demand a degree of generosity by not seeming to doubt of finding it She therefore
received the Queens pleasure with composure delivered herself into Lord Scroopes hands and agreed to defer appearing before her sister Elizabeth till she could appear with honor
This great event engrossed the attention of all Europe Various opinions were formed and Elizabeth never found Mary more formidable than when in her power All blamed her errors but they pitied her youth and imputed many of them to inexperience and faults in her education Her uncommon beauty affability elegance of manners and expression were strongly commended by all who had seen her and those who had not listened to the tale with avidity and reported it with increase Every word in her praise was a dagger to the heart of Elizabeth and the unfortunate Marys greatest crimes with her were the graces she received from nature
Lady Scroope had spent some of her early years in the French Court Mary was too affable and amiable not to attach every one for whom she had an inclination
and the friendship she shewed for the Lady Matilda would have made the separation the more afflicting but that Mary by the death of Francis the second found herself no longer attached to France and was obliged with infinite regret to quit the kingdom she had been educated in to govern one filled with domestic jars and almost ignorant of those softnesses which give charms to society and which in a peculiar degree adorned the court she had hitherto reigned over
The troubles in which she had been plunged from the hour she returned to Scotland had scarce given her leisure to distinguish those she had formerly honored with her notice Lady Scroope had however always preserved an attachment to her less the fruit of gratitude than sympathy The Queens present sad situation of which she heard amply from her Lord touched her to the very soul She accused Elizabeth of meanness and injustice and without doubting the innocence of Mary she ardently desired to
lighten her captivity and convince her that misfortune had not robbed her of every friend These sentiments were too fervently generous not to engage me I insensibly took part in what interested my sister so nearly and learnt to deplore a Princess thus treated whom in a happier situation I should doubtless have censured
Lord Scroope to satisfy his wife who entreated him to the step represented to Elizabeth the impropriety of leaving the Queen of Scots unaccompanied by any lady of distinction and without the attendance nothing could exempt the place she had chosen for an asylum from paying her whether guilty or innocent To give force to this he hinted the error of harsh measures which interested the common people and by engaging their pity might weaken their fidelity
The last reason weighed infinitely more with our Queen than the first for her heart was more full of policy than feeling She however appointed Lady Scroope to
attend upon Mary and sent orders to treat her more suitably to her rank
Overjoyed at carrying her point without appearing in it Lady Scroope did not delay her journey but unwilling to leave me she used all her interest and influence to persuade me to accompany her She represented she did not wish to engage me in any gay scenes the office she was allotted to being that most conformable to the melancholy turn of my mind The inclination I had to see Mary joined with her and I consented
Bolton Castle whither Mary had been conducted by the Queens command was a strong fortress on the borders of Yorkshire without furniture or accommodations for a royal guest it declared at once to that Princess the melancholy captivity to which she was destined The humanity of Lord Scroope in vain attempted to conceal the fate that awaited her she gave herself up to an immoderate grief which was augmented by the news of Bothwells death who had taken refuge in Norway
We were met at Derby by the Duke of Norfolk whose ardent desire to see the Queen of Scots had induced him to join us This nobleman was of an amiable presence in the prime of life full of a generous ardor a captivating vivacity Without an equal in rank in England he had formed long since the design of espousing Mary and Both wells death had renewed hopes her marriage with him had frustrated I was amazed at the difference visible in the manners of the Duke nor did I immediately perceive whence his impatience of any disappointment and deep reveries could proceed but the pleasure he took in hearing his sisters commendations of the Queen the softness that sparkled in his eyes while he related the events her letters to Bothwell had laid open shewed me that ambition had raised a flame in his heart he mistook for love
We arrived at Bolton and Mary was not apprized till Lady Scroope was introduced to her presence that Elizabeth had sent her a friend so anxiously desirous
to lighten her captivity I would describe the Queen of Scotland to you my dear children had not nature drawn a truer picture of her than I can give —Look in the glass Matilda and you will see her perfect image
I could not contain my astonishment— Oh heavens exclaimed I is it possible in lamenting the fate of that injured Queen I have wept for a mother
A short time will explain all said Mrs Marlow The Queen was in the bloom of youth and the sorrow which hung over her features gave them an irresistible attraction Her air of resigned dignity and feminine sweetness was mingled with innocence and unconscious modesty If I was inclined to pity her before how greatly was that sentiment enlivened Her faults seemed to vanish or to be atoned by her misfortunes Nothing could be more interesting than her first interview with Lady Scroope whose tears alone could express her sorrow and affection
How must a scene which distressed me touch a heart prepared to love her The Duke found there was a passion stronger than ambition her crown no longer engrossed his thoughts it was herself alone he desired he lamented the evils it had overwhelmed her with and from which even her resignation of it would not relieve her Love communicated all its delicacies at once to his heart and the man who had dared aspire to her while in prosperity and peace in this sad moment of humiliation had not presumption to lift his eyes to her to speak of his affection or insult her by his compassion
Lady Scroope was too quicksighted to overlook this change in her brother but far from drawing any ill presage from it she flattered herself he was destined to restore the Queen and to find in her gratitude and affection a reward proportioned to his merit
Willing to relieve the tediousness of the hours that Lady devised amusements of which no one partook though all from
a just sense of the intention appeared satisfied with them The silence and melancholy of the Duke of Norfolk engaged the Queen she found it a delicate compliment to her distress and regarded him with an attention too flattering to be overlooked —Charmed with an esteem which he had rather wished than hoped the ardor of his soul found words and Mary discovered in attempting to attach a friend she had gained a lover Considering her interest only she must have encouraged him but remembering how fatal her partiality might one day prove she conjured him to subdue while yet in its infancy a passion it would be cruelty to encourage to remember her only as an unfortunate friend and in that light confessed herself obliged to him for his interest and power in her favor•
In the first wildness of love nothing seems impossible an answer so mild only animated the hope it was meant to extinguish He formed a thousand projects he engaged his sister in his interest and
every hour of his life was filled up by plans for the deliverance of the amiable Queen But as it was impossible his residence should be a secret and he justly feared awakening the attention of Elizabeth before his schemes were ripe for execution he engaged his sister to make a request he wanted courage to mention since she might with more propriety represent to the Queen the policy of rendering her fate his
In this dangerous conjuncture the unfortunate Mary listened once more to the partial advice of her heart which prompted her to yield to so noble so deserving a lover She had caught his frenzy and realized the fictions of his brain with the same facility His vast estates numerous vassals and still more his extended and noble connexions flattered her with the hope of amply rewarding him and she thought it but generous to let the recompence rather precede the service than follow it
Fatal delusion of a prejudiced mind Oh Mary too tender Princess why were
not all the past misfortunes of thy life which had their source in love monitors to thee Why did they not teach thee to avoid this error which heightened every affliction and gave new pangs to a long long captivity
The Duke not daring to engage his brotherinlaw in an action contrary to his commission entrusted his intention only to his sister Too ardent and too amiable an advocate to be denied the Queen of Scots was persuaded by that Lady to unite herself with the Duke They were married in the presence of the Lady Scroope and myself Sir Arthur Forester and the Dukes two Secretaries
Possessed in herself of all his wishes the prison of the Queen became a palace to the Duke and every hour seemed to add to a passion which appeared at first incapable of addition The authority Mary had given him over her the tenderness with which she regarded him were powerful motives against the approaching separation but Lady Scroope saw with concern the extravagance of a passion she had encouraged
She knew too well the temper of Elizabeth not to anticipate her resentment if this step was discovered and knew likewise his own safety would be a poor motive for persuading her brother to leave Bolton she therefore represented to him how ill he rewarded the lovely Queen of Scots by lengthening an imprisonment it was his duty to curtail and asked him what expectation Mary might form from a husband who already preferred his own indulgence to her freedom happiness and glory
These reproaches were too true to offend the Duke He lamented but yielded to the cruel necessity Mary as if forewarned that these hours were all the easy ones remaining of her life used every means to detain him but the generosity of her affection awakening his more strongly he bade adieu to the charming wife he was never more to meet and set out for London to engage all his friends to favor a marriage no one now could prevent He flattered himself his interest
was so great that the Queen would be reduced to consent whether consonant to her inclination or not Indeed this was the only rational mode of proceeding for to imagine Elizabeth weak enough to unite her rival and heiress voluntarily to the first of her subjects would have been an unpardonable blindness
Fortune however had destined otherwise and only smiled awhile to make her frown more terrible All the great Lords of Elizabeths Court who had seen with regret the imprisonment of Mary entered with pleasure into Norfolks schemes His letters were filled with the most flattering hopes and the Queen who was with child gave him notice of it This circumstance added to his joy he promised before the time of her delivery she should have her prison gates opened by all the nobility of England The Earls of Shrewsbury Derby Bedford Northumberland Westmoreland Pembroke Southampton Arundel and Suffex had warmly engaged in his cause and their Names alone would influence
many But the friend he most relied upon was the Earl of Leicester whose ascendancy over the Queen was well known he had taken on himself the disclosure of the whole to Elizabeth when that measure became necessary In the mean time Norfolk used every means to prevent the Regent of Scotland from accusing Mary to the Queen nor was his artifice unsuccessful Murray after having entered England for no other purpose suddenly returned without taking any step in the business a circumstance which defeated all the measures of the English Court But Elizabeth more strongly apprehending from this some plot to release Mary removed her to Tutbury and added the Earl of Shrewsbury to Lord Scroope as her keepers
My sister still followed her nor could I desert her in such a situation We had hoped from the information of the Duke to find the Earl of Shrewsbury inclined to favor her but whether he foresaw the end of this unfortunate project or had deceived Norfolk he kept a strict watch
over the Queens actions whose condition now confined her to her apartment
The Duke flattered by Murrays retreat commissioned some of his friends in Scotland to sound that nobleman on the subject of his marriage they unwarily laid open more than he intended and Murray enraged at having been his dupe sent notice of the plot to Elizabeth She was on a visit to Lord Leicester who was ill when the letter arrived and confiding to that favorite the cause of her agitation he sent while the Queen was consulting with Cecil to warn Norfolk to retreat as Elizabeth seemed bent on committing him to the Tower Thunderstruck at this unexpected discovery the Duke set out with precipitation for his seat of KenningHall but reflecting on the road that his flight was a stronger proof against him than the accusation of his enemies he returned directly he was however met by some officers sent in pursuit of him and conducted to Burnham
His Secretary posted off to Tutbury with an account of all these proceedings They sunk the deeper into the heart of the Queen as she hoped by this time to have been at liberty She was every hour in expectation of an event which must publish her marriage or load her with infamy In this hard trial Lady Scroope suggested to her the only safe way of proceeding which was to convey her child by the Dukes Secretary immediately after its birth out of the Castle and concealing the cause of her indisposition wait a more favorable moment for avowing her marriage This was the only plan to avoid injuring the Dukes safety or her own honor To prepare every thing against the time I took my leave of the Queen as returning to St Vincents Abbey and retiring to a neighbouring hut hired on purpose waited with my maid to receive the infant she should bring into the world which was to be carried to the Recess and placed under my care till the fate of its parents could be ascertained
This sad moment was hastened by a sadder event—Bothwell who was supposed to be dead found means to convey a letter to the Queen assuring her the report was spread only to quiet the Scots who otherwise would never have suffered him to rest and that he waited in Denmark till the divisions of her kingdom should enable him to raise a powerful party and attempt her deliverance Mary on the first sight of the well known hand felt all the horrors of her fate she fell into strong convulsions which were succeeded by the pains of labor She gave birth to two girls—for you my dear children are the fruit of this fatal marriage who scarce had been held to the bosom of a mother before you were divided from it I fear for ever
The faithful Secretary conveyed you with the tenderest caution to me When he repeated this sad tale oh how my soul wept for the illfated Queen I vowed ye should be mine for ye were the children of misfortune and never never have I broke that vow distress endeared
me to you with a parental kindness and fortune gave you to me to console me for all her severity Tis you only have kept alive in my heart the softest impulses of nature You were cherubs in your infancy and grew up to chear my days and embellish my solitude Full of the great charge vested in my hands I sought the earliest opportunity of quitting a dangerous place I brought you safe to this spot attended by Alice after having you baptized Matilda the elder which you was by a few minutes after Lady Scroope and Ellinor after the Dukes mother
To return to the Queen of Scots— She languished a long time between illhealth and despair but the Duke found means to assure her that this misfortune should not long separate them He applied now to the Pope to annul Marys former marriage with Bothwell the Pope hoping to find some great advantage in the projected union seemed inclined to grant his request but the conditions he imposed
were so hard that the Duke had no hope
In the mean time Elizabeth finding an effectual bar placed between Mary and Norfolk by Bothwells being yer alive and having some hopes from the illhealth of the Queen of Scots of seeing an end of her fears after conveying her to Coventry she released the Duke at the intercession of his constant friend Lord Leicester Sensible of the rashness of his former conduct he resolved to avoid that fault and made no attempt to see the Queen of Scots employing himself in hunting and diversions at KenningHall till the spies of Elizabeth persuaded he had laid aside his projects gave up their employment The Duke past from the seat of one friend to that of another to appearance in search of amusement but in reality to assure himself of their attachment and as if by accident to visit St Vincents Abbey and embrace the daughters of his love You were a twelvemonth old when I conducted the Duke in the night to this Recess The captivity and sad situation
of his wife arose a thousand times more strongly to his mind when he beheld her children torn from her bosom as if the product of dishonour and hid in solitude from every human eye to see and know he could not prevent this pierced him to the very soul He spent the night in viewing you in recommending you to Heaven in forming a thousand silent complaints against his destiny and resolutions which by shortening his life perpetuated on you the evils he sought to remedy But when the dawn of day compelled him to return to his apartment he again took you both into his arms and while the tears of paternal affection flowed gracefully down his cheeks poured on you a thousand blessings he then gave you to me and while I was stilling Ellinor he sat in a deep reverie when suddenly starting from it he came and stood by me and taking my hand—
I have yet hopes my dear Mrs Marlow said he of bringing these infants into life as the daughters of the loveliest the most amiable of sovereigns till when I
commit them to you as the most sacred of all deposits Teach them to enjoy an humble rank and they will adorn a high one keep them in total ignorance of their birth till able to know its inutility But if Heaven never allows me to claim them —if the misfortunes of their parents end but with their lives act up to the sacred character with which I alike invest you and my sister Never let them know the Court of Elizabeth but innocently and happily let them die in the desert where they bloomed
Shades of the honored Howard and the amiable Mary I have fulfilled your injunctions exclaimed Mrs Marlow turning with an enthusiastic action to the pictures I have mentioned with so much respect your words have been ever present to my memory and my cares have not been useless
Alas Madam said we dropping with an emotion of awe on our knees are these lovely figures the portraits of our parents Oh my father my tender unhappy father shall we never see you Were we never to
be held in you arms but while insensible of that blessing And you my dear mother who brought us forth in bitterness and pain shall we not spend our lives in softening yours and shed our sorrows upon your grave
You interrupt and distress me children said Mrs Marlow let me finish my melancholy tale you will alas have hours enough for complaint
The Duke departed the next day and in a short time Elizabeth having appointed the Lords Huntingdon and Hereford in the room of Lord Scroope the Queen of Scots was deprived of her only comfort by the departure of his Lady
The Duke finding gentle attempts ineffectual resolved on a measure he deemed infallible and entered into a treaty with a trusty Spaniard named Ridolpho to engage the Duke of Alva to assist him with ten thousand men to be landed at Harwich from whence they were to march to London to intimidate Elizabeth The Duke of Alva consented
and even the Pope at length ashamed of neutrality took a share in Marys deliverance Every thing was prepared Norfolks friends in England only waited the signal to join him when one of those trifling accidents which disconcert the wisest schemes rendered this in a moment abortive
To foment the divisions in Scotland so much as to keep the Regent employed and prevent him from interfering in the affair the Duke sent many sums to be scattered among the Queens friends in that kingdom at different times —but now when the crisis approached he had prepared a large bag of gold which with a letter he unfortunately trusted to a man quite ignorant of the plot the carrier in putting it up by some accident cut the bag and the contents filling him with astonishment he communicated this singular discovery to a servant of Lord Burleighs who was his brother this man through a hope of getting the gold between them and supposing some mystery was hid in the letter persuaded him to
shew it to his master the carrier consented and Lord Burleigh easily perceiving the plot though not its extent communicated it to the Queen in consequence of which the Duke was arrested in his bed and all his servants imprisoned
This fatal stroke overturned every remaining hope betrayed by his servants all the letters he had written and received on that subject most of which he had ordered to be burnt were produced against him his very benevolence was construed into a crime and some money he sent to the Countess of Northumberland who was in exile and distress with her Lord became an article in his impeachment He was condemned and heard his sentence with a fortitude which melted Lord Shrewsbury who pronounced it into tears
Lady Scroope distracted at her brothers fate fell at the feet of the Queen and left nothing unsaid to move her but all she could obtain was the deferring his execution for Burleigh had so strongly
prepossessed Elizabeth with the idea that the Duke sought her life that although no circumstance arose to confirm it on his trial nothing could banish it from her mind
But what was the situation of the Queen of Scotland at this completion of her misfortunes An exile from her own country a prisoner in another a wife without a right to that name and a mother while a stranger to her children her fate was wound up in the condemnation of her husband and she had the poignant affliction of knowing she had raised the axe against him which all her tears could not avert Pierced with despair she conjured the Lady Scroope to assure the Queen she would not only voluntarily consent to remain her prisoner for life but would give up her claim to the Crown of England if her sister as she was compelled to stile her would free the Duke of Norfolk and restore him to his honors This proposal Elizabeth received as a finesse from which she only saw how
deeply Marys heart was linked with his Even the allprevailing Leicesters eloquence failed selfpreservation was an unconquerable principle in the soul of Elizabeth
The Duke was beheaded fourteen years ago when you my dear children who were bought with his life were not above two years and a half old He died as he had lived with dignity and honour
Never was nobleman more lamented he had endeared himself to the body of the people by his courage generosity and affability and to his equals by an unconsciousness of superiority which prevented envy and an uniformity of conduct which gained admiration He was the first victim to the Queens fears nor could she have chosen one whose merits were stronger proofs of the value she set on herself
Lady Scroope detesting too late the artifices of the Court and sunk in affliction for the loss of a brother she adored retired
hither with her Lord who had thrown up his employments Her body partook of the debility of her mind and soon gave symptoms of a decay which reduced her to the grave
Her temper too was quite changed This Recess which so lately appeared a horrible dungeon now seemed to her as to me a calm retirement from the odious forms and cares of life She spent many days and would every one had it not afflicted her Lord in weeping over you in tracing in Matilda the mildlybeautiful features of her friend and in Ellinor the captivating graces of her brother Tis to her you owe these valuable pictures
Estranged from all society the Queen of Scots gave herself up to the blackest despair she had alas no hope to soften her captivity no bosom to receive her tears with Norfolk died all prospect of release and at the same time all desire of it what was the universe to her without he embellished it Would it not have augmented her affliction to have enjoyed
a sovereignty she durst never hope to share with him
Elizabeth whose fears were always awake from this moment cut her daily off from some comfort or convenience frequently changed her keepers and prison and by her severity taught the captive Queen that hatred may be stronger even than love
Lady Scroope survived her brother but a twelvemonth and left no inheritor of her virtues She recommended you both in the most fervent manner to her Lord who solemnly swore to make a provision for you suitable to his fortune though not your birth
Some years past away when Lord Scroope whose grief was at an end finding himself tired of the inactivity of a country life accepted some overtures the Queen made to recall him He left to me the charge of St Vincents Abbey which he has not inhabited since
Hurried on by other events I have hitherto neglected to mention the return of
my brother Anthony in three years after I brought you here He fixed his residence in the hermits cell devoting his time to the study of physic and the care of exhorting the poor except at those hours you have seen him in for his life and mine have been uniform
I have only two circumstances more to mention one of which is more afflicting to me than I once believed aught respecting money could ever be Lord Scroope who has been abroad some years in a public character has become the object of the crafty Burleighs hatred or suspicion and is now confined while his estates and wealth are seized by the Queen who knows so well the value of money that it is too probable my Lord will never be able to fulfil the promise made to his wife in your favor
The other is that during several past years I have not been able to hold any intelligence with the Queen of Scotland who sent me some letters during the first years of her imprisonment which with those she wrote to the Duke I have preserved
with various other testimonials of your birth Time may enable her yet to give you the splendor to which you were born for Elizabeth is now stricken in years and Mary more worn by sorrow than age Wait then my dear children with patience when I am in my grave the destination of providence and never claim your parent till she pleases to acknowledge you No virtue is more acceptable to God than patience To bestow happiness is only in his power to deserve it ever in our own Oh if my prayers are heard if my wishes ascend to the throne of the Most High he will lead you through this world in peace he will unite you again to my bosom in a better
Here our generous protectress our more than mother ended clasping us to her heart with an ardor that evinced the sincerity of her words
But what new ideas what amazing feelings did her narration give birth to The impulses of nature taught us to treasure every word she uttered for what in
the history of our parents could be indifferent Never did our solitude appear so amiable—the Court of Elizabeth— Oh my lamented father could the sole inflictor of all thy evils ever ever attach thy children Could she who oppressed her equal and a Queen innocent at least in all that respected her only because she was in her power be capable of alluring two hearts untainted by that courtly politeness which sanctifies the errors of a sovereign and terms her very vices noble weaknesses
But then to learn I had a mother yet alive to believe I might one day be received to her arms only endeared by misfortune full of this melting this heart expanding idea I would have sought her prison I would have been the companion of it happy if all my cares could make her forget for one moment the rigour of her fortune or call to her remembrance amidst all her complaints against the injustice of the world that it still contained two beings
who were willing to return for her the life she gave
My duty to Mrs Marlow alone divided my heart should I desert her who had neglected every thing for us What are the ties of nature to cancel in one moment those of inclination gratitude and esteem Oh no I owed it is true my being to another but she to whom I owed the best part of that being the formation of my mind the instilling those sentiments which alone make us valuable to ourselves and society had a claim beyond all others which nothing but death could dissolve That awful moment was drawing nigh every one that passed stole something from the mortal part of Mrs Marlow Oh thou amiable saint thou woman after Gods own heart can I remember the time when thou wert called from us without floods of unavailing tears Never—never—selfish as they are they will flow even though so often exhausted
She delivered us a casket which contained the papers she mentioned and divers attestations signed by herself and the late Lady Scroope and filled with all the ornaments of her youth Then after recommending us tenderly to Father Anthony she joined in prayer with him and all her little family and in the midst expired
Oh Madam how strange how terrible to me was that moment I saw Death first seize on one dearer than myself the mansion in which we lived now became a solitude indeed—a silence—how solemn prevailed In the first flow of a rational grief how vast a vacuum is left in the heart to hear no longer the voice which led us through life to see the eyes whence ours drew fortitude close never more to open the whole frame assume that awful pallidness every moment increases and which brings so melancholy a memento to the breast These touching ideas cannot always arise some losses destroy the power of reflection and complaint
carried away by the bitterness of despair we are only sensible of an agony beyond expression
To attempt interring the dust of Mrs Marlow in the chapel must have awakened the suspicions of the Queens officers The secret of our retirement was in the breast of only three domesticks and it was highly necessary to keep it concealed On this account a grave was made for her in Father Anthonys cell whither we conveyed her wrapt in white and crowned with the fading produce of this world in imitation of that everblooming wreath promised hereafter to all who persevere in virtue
Grief makes the most violent impression in youth but happily it is the most transient a little time abated the sharpness of ours nevertheless our solitude being deprived of its ornament appeared uniform melancholy and disgusting We gradually lost our assiduity in our works when we no longer promised ourselves the great reward of her praise Father Anthony who was never a favorite with us
became every day more unpleasant Mrs Marlow always preserved a sway over him which softened the severity of his manners that being now at an end and his temper still more hurt by his affliction for her loss he appeared a gloomy tyrant and the additional carefulness with which he observed us laid an odious restraint on all our expressions and made our meals wear an air of sullenness each party was unconscious of causing
Obliged to hide in our own hearts all the little follies and wishes we had been used to reveal without fear we conversed with the Father only upon moral and indifferent topics thus every day was the same and each of course more tedious when Ellinor suggested a scheme which gave us some amusement This was to explore the passage leading to the ruins where we might at least breathe the fresh air and for one hour have the pleasure of a little novelty I readily came into the proposal having had a curiosity to emerge from the moment I heard that passage first mentioned It was the full height of summer
and we pitched upon a long afternoon when we had no fear of being sought for
The passage was narrower closer and damper than the others but very short We took a torch that we might find the way of opening it When we drew near the mouth I observed some little holes made doubtless to give the concealed person an advantage I made Ellinor keep back while I examined the place but saw nothing however to awaken any apprehension a long avenue of broken arches intermingled with brambles and wild wallflowers in the paths of which the grass grew very high was all I could discern —nothing could more fully prove the unfrequentedness of the spot We therefore examined the fastening immediately and found it a small square door with two hinges on the top and fastened across the bottom by a large bar of iron laid on strong hooks I was unable to open it alone Ellinor therefore extinguished the light to assist me but with all our curiosity and courage the sight of the pile of ruins threw us into an universal
trepidation On turning round to see how the entrance was hid we perceived a high raised tomb at each corner of which stood a gigantic statue of a man in armour as if to guard it two of whom were now headless Some famous knight as appeared by his numerous ensigns lay on the tomb The meagre skeleton had struck an arrow through his shield into his heart his eyes were turned to the cross which St Winifred held before him Nothing could be better contrived than this entrance for however rude the sculpture the ornamental parts took the eye from the body of the tomb The little door which dropt after us was one stone made thin and lined with wood and so neatly fitted that even when unfastened it was not to be discerned For a long way beyond the prospect was wild and awful to excess sometimes vast heaps of stones were fallen from the building among which trees and bushes had sprung up and half involved the dropping pillars Tall fragments of it sometimes remained which
seemed to sway about with every blast and from whose mouldering top hung clusters and spires of ivy In other parts ruined cloisters yet lent a refuge from the weather and sullenly shut out the day while long echoes wandered through the whole at the touch of the lightest foot the intricacies of the wood beyond added to the magnificence of art the variety of nature We quitted with regret our new empire when the sun left his last rays on the tops of the trees
We resolved to conceal our ramble left Father Anthony should forbid us to repeat it Those Madam who would maintain a lasting sway over young people must by softening the distance of age steal into their confidence Love and respect are united but if fear once closes the avenues to the heart no other sentiment ever overcomes it obedience is then never led by inclination and we rejoice to escape from haughtiness or austerity however venerable the sorm they assume
From what trifles spring the purest pleasures of life a prospect a flower a song can dilate the heart while the passions are yet hid in it nor have poisoned its simplicity and curtailed its enjoyments
Concealed pleasures are allowed to be the greatest no remark can be more just to deceive the watchful reflects a compliment on our own sagacity which renders us insensible to the error
Almost every day did we visit this darling spot always like young birds venturing one step further and so often had we ventured without seeing a human being that at last we ceased to fear On one side the wood shelved down for a considerable way beyond which the road was cut and mingled with hamlets that gave a promise of society which the rusticity of their inhabitants would not allow them to fulfil
But you reproach me with losing time in uninteresting descriptions —Ah Madam this wood was not always a desart Chance or rather I should say
Providence led into its solitary windings the man of all Elizabeths Court the most distinguished and admired the man to whom nature had been prodigal of every advantage which art and application had polished to the highest perfection
One day in calling my sister I discovered in the hollow of the wood and building a very fine echo delighted with this I began singing the notes dying distinctly away formed a melancloly symphony when I was interrupted by Ellinor who quitting some birds that flew tamely to be fed by her hand ran towards the Recess with great speed waving to me to follow her We had so often alarmed each other without any cause that I hardly moved when a noise I heard among the trees which grew extremely thick on that spot alarmed me A voice that sunk at once from my ear to my heart conjured me in the most earnest manner to stop Notwithstanding the necessity I found for flying my eyes longed to claim acquaintance with the
features to which that voice belonged and my head by an involuntary motion was turned over my shoulder The gentleman had now made a way through the shrubs which impeded his passage and I found it impossible to retreat but by discovering a secret it was highly my interest to conceal Perhaps I was not sorry to have an excuse to my own heart for a rashness it was too sensible of The irresolution of my attitude which was that of a person ready every moment to run made him approach with profound submission and respect but finding me attempt to fly though almost without knowing it he instantly stopt
By whatever chance said he nature has hid in this sequestered spot her fairest productions permit me ladies to derive an advantage from it Believe me you see a man who needs too much your compassion and assistance to venture to insult you were such a thought capable of intruding into a heart never yet inhuman Let me conjure you then to judge of my intentions by your own and allow
me if you know of an asylum and are not like me driven here by some present distress to shelter myself from assassins too well prepared to take my life for courage to preserve it
The person of him who pronounced these words made their effect indelible He appeared something past the bloom of life but his beauty was rather fixed than faded of a noble height and perfect symmetry he would have had an air too majestic but that the sweetness of his eyes and voice tempered the dignity of his mien His complexion was of a clear and polished brown his eyes large dark and brilliant his hair gracefully marked the turn of all his features and his dress was of a dovecoloured velvet mingled with white sattin and silver a crimson sash inwoven with gold hung from his shoulder with a picture and the order of the garter as well as a foreign one with which he was invested shewed his rank not less distinguished than his person
Astonishment—anxiety—a thousand rapid ideas melting into each other and defying language confused and silenced me when Ellinor more mistress of her own judgment took upon her to answer by directing him to Father Anthonys cell assuring him at the same moment this was all we could do to serve him — Ah Ellen cried I passionately seizing her hand he then must return and be murdered Struck with the vehemence of my own words my eyes sunk to the ground and changeable blushes covered my features which redoubled when the stranger took my hand with a grace all his own and bowing on it
To your generous intention Madam I shall at least be a debtor—this is not a time or place for deliberation—fly I beseech you while you are yet able the villains who pursue me may not respect your youth your beauty or your innocence and nothing could so greatly add to my misfortune as the involving you in it If heaven lengthens my days I may
perhaps be able to convince you him you wished to save is not unworthy your concern if on the contrary this proves my last I have only to request you will deliver this untying and giving me the picture to the Queen who will not fail to distinguish the bearer
How how did every word penetrate my heart—Ah how rapid is the progress of passion and how in one moment does it quicken nay double every sense and sensibility I could with the same ease have exposed my own bosom to the assassins as his Fear surmounted every prudential consideration and I was only going to use the caution of enquiring who he was when the sound of voices not far distant put that out of my head Retaining in mine the hand which had hitherto held it I led him through the most solitary arches to the foot of the tomb but our astonishment at sight of him bore no comparison with his when he found this to be our habitation The time not admitting any explanation he assisted us to enter and followed himself when leaving
Ellinor to watch the approach of those we had heard I conducted him into the large room of the Recess With an impatient gratitude he fell at my feet to thank me for my anxiety but instantly starting back he threw me into such a trepidation that I sunk into a seat without power to look behind me imagining either that the murderers or at least Father Anthony must be at hand when looking around him and at me by turns he exclaimed
Merciful heaven by what strange ordination of thine do I find in this desart two dead portraits of my unhappy friend and the Queen of Scots and two breathing ones more lovely than even themselves
Imagine my distress at this speech I saw in one moment the whole of a secret preserved with such caution for so many years committed to a stranger by an indiscretion which still I could not condemn in myself Fluctuating with all the irresolution of youth I now knew not whether I ought to deny the truth of
what he had averred or repose in turn a confidence in his honor but the time I had spent in deliberating convinced him for my confusion was an affirmative nothing could overcome
You are silent Madam cried he but your eloquent eyes imply a doubt it is my duty to clear Oh if I was capable of wronging your confidence or betraying any secret you wish concealed heaven would have abandoned me to the fate from which its fairest daughters saved me Look but at that picture and you will find an indubitable evidence of my sincerity
It was the picture of Elizabeth given by herself to Robert Dudley as the inscription informed me
Ah have I then returned I been the happy means of discharging the debt long owing to Lord Leicester
How how have I been so fortunate returned he as to distinguish myself to you —If I durst believe and yet it must be so—for how should a less lovely mother give being to such children and how
otherwise should such matchless beauty and elegance be hid in a desart Tell me I conjure you Madam whether my past friendship with the Duke of Norfolk does intitle me to yours
It does indeed my Lord cried I bursting into tears at the name of my father to my eterhal gratitude Your frank avowal sets me above all dissimulation I dare own to you you have guessed my birth most truly
But why then were you buried in this solitude Why not acknowledged in France—
Ah my Lord might I not with much more reason demand how the favorite of Elizabeth came unattended and alone to seek in this solitude an asylum from assassins
I will reply to you with candor Madam added he and thus bespeak your confidence The favor of a sovereign may easily make us great but many circumstances must concur to make us happy and when you hear some events of my life I may promise myself your compassion
Ellinor having executed her commission rejoined us at this moment I will frankly confess I wished her absence and had imposed a task on her I could never have executed The presence of Lord Leicester had awakened in my mind a thousand hopes and wishes unknown before Not recollecting the improbability of his passing so many years without forming tender attachments almost unconsciously I aspired to his heart and my apprehension of Ellinors superior charms had made me meanly cheat her of an opportunity of making a first impression by submitting to my injustice she rendered me sensible of it in the most generous manner and the care I then took to display her merit induced my Lord to imagine I regarded him with indifference Thus I reaped a double advantage from my return to rectitude
My sister informed us she had seen four men examining every part of the ruins certain Lord Leicester must be hid among them as one had picked up his hat which he doubtless dropt when he
addressed me and swearing never to quit the wood till they had found him they separated to pursue the search
I turned pale at this terrible intelligence which made his departure impossible but as we every moment expected Father Anthony who might have a share in the alarm the assassins would occasion we agreed to hide my Lord in Mrs Marlows chamber which had been hitherto deserted and a place where none but ourselves would seek him
It was now evening and as the age and infirmities of our maid rendered her rather an incumbrance than relief we set before Lord Leicester a repast perhaps more adapted to his health than his appetite but all that our Retreat at that time afforded and withdrawing left him that we might be ready if our guardian should visit us
As I would not have you imagine however we were indebted to nature the surprise Lord Leicester expressed sprung only from our beauty I must observe to you we drest to the taste of Mrs Marlow rather
than that of any country and those habits which covered happy hearts preserve A long superiority in the fancy Close jackets and coats of pale grey were trimmed round the skirts and sleeves with black bugle fringe the collars were thrown back from the throat and chest with point lace and tied at the bosom with black tassels our hair which was very thick covered our necks and foreheads falling in rings from under cambrick coifs small beaver hats with high crowns and waving black feathers completed our appearance at once too rustic and too elegant not to strike every person Simplicity is the perfection of dress and Ellinor presents herself in that I have described more beautiful than when adorned with all the gaudy trappings pride and luxury has invented She had an arch a smiling eye which while it indicated observation teemed with good nature a complexion perfectly fair and delicately heightened by a bloom which came from the heart as its changeableness implied a graceful stature and a manner which
won almost every one to love her half as well as I did But I need not expatiate on my Ellens character though dormant at present it will soon demand your compassion in the hardest trials of life
Love Madam is the parent of art When we left Lord Leicester without declaring my own sentiments concerning him I sought to penetrate into my sisters for that constant error of a first passion had infected me and I fancied the man who had subdued my heart might those of all my sex every glance increases a fear so exquisite I thought constantly I read in her eyes ideas afflictingly similar to my own yet the lively sense she expressed at our indiscretion which she easily conceived would put us in the power of Elizabeths favorite made me very doubtful for although the same apprehension occurred to me the confidence I already had in his honour and the strong anxiety I felt for his life made it a faint and distant alarm
This night I first found my rest disturbed by the reflections of my mind I hoped one moment every thing I flattered myself the simplicity of my education and the purity of my heart would by a contrast with those of the court atone for the want of that polish a court alone can give the obscurity of my birth I found too sensibly a misfortune and withdrawing my compassion for the first time from my parents bestowed it on myself Yet again would I say can he despise the daughter of his friend will he destine me to suffer for an indiscretion in which I had no share Oh let me judge his heart by my own which already feels the sovereignty of the universe would be too little for happiness if he was not to partake it
The calm rest of my sister set my heart at ease respecting her I told every moment as it passed anxiously expecting that in which Lord Leicester was to begin his narration I had exhausted the few misfortunes my imagination had treasured without
being able to find any which could in so well governed a country reduce a man of his distinction to flight but how untainted with the vices of the world could I guess at the real one
Without acquainting Lord Leicester who had the conduct of our education we made him sensible we had reasons for concealing him from every person he had too much politeness to press for an explanation and we were compelled to leave him alone till the departure of Father Anthony should give us an opportunity to listen to his history
The Father always slow and deliberate seemed this day to have gained an addition to those qualities instead of retiring after dinner as usual he began a long discourse from a momentary impatience I had discovered through some trifling occasion on the subduing our passions every word of which augmented mine and the less we seemed sensible of his argument the more he was inclined to prolixity till my impatience having arisen
to the greatest height allayed of itself and I learnt nothing but acquiescing in all he advanced could put a period to the tedious conversation This finesse succeeded he departed and without staying a moment longer than was necessary to ascertain that circumstance we released the Earl and conducted him to our great room as we called it
Lord Leicester did not delay to gratify our curiosity but began his story thus for to prevent the coldness a relater always gives to events and as almost the very words are familiar to my memory whenever a narration occurs I in justice to the person concerned shall give him the power of speaking for himself
Sprung from a family too distinguished to be unknown to you ladies I might pass over the early part of my life in silence did not one circumstance in it account for the honours and favours my royal mistress has delighted to shower upon me The last of five sons I was too young to be sensible of the loss when my
unhappy family were sacrificed to their own ambition and episcopal tyranny Without any fortune and obnoxious to those who had trembled at the very name of Northumberland no happier fate had awaited me from the persecutions of Marys reign a time which will fill the latest with horror had not the Earl of Arundel generously screened me from her rage He had me conducted from a seat of my fathers bestowed on him by the Queen to Hubert Hall a noble one of his own where I was educated with his children without being known to the world The kindness of this nobleman well deserves commemoration since to the compassion awakened by my youth and helpless state nothing was added but a grateful remembrance of a small favour the Lord Guildford had shewn him at a time when his religion was more feared though less punished than ours then was Sensible of all his generosity I neglected nothing to prove my gratitude and habit giving me the same advantage in his affection
with his own children he seemed to take pleasure in numbering me among them and proposed to unite me to one of his daughters who had from her infancy entertained a partiality for me Fate was against him for of the four lovely children he had when I was added to the number I saw him without one when I was but fifteen These losses far from souring his temper only softened it he bent himself more intently on establishing me in all his fortunes and was not without hopes of obtaining the reversion of his title for me Miss Lineric the daughter of his sister and the heiress of a large fortune besides what she might hope from him was the lady he made choice of for me and the agreement was formed with her father and guardians without my knowledge nor did I venture on being asked for it to refuse my consent although I had never seen the lady and found my heart utterly repugnant to a match in which it had no share
The princess Elizabeth whose noble endurance of an unjust imprisonment will reflect eternal honour on her prudence was during the life of her sister kept in close captivity various Lords as various fears obliged them to change had the charge of her the Earl of Arundel was for a short time entrusted with the important office and thus was I early introduced to the knowledge of that pious lady Far from extending the prejudices she might justly have imbibed against my family to me she was pleased to honour me with her notice to take amusement in polishing my manners and accomplishing my mind Brought up a Catholic it was to her I owed the enlightening of my understanding and the discretion to conceal a difference of opinion from my benefactor which might have alienated and perhaps broken his heart
My attachment to her was as great as her own goodness I longed with the ardour of youth to signalize myself in her service nor was it long before an occasion offered The Earl of Devonshire
actuated either by love or ambition flattered himself that the Princesss captivity would make her gladly embrace a proposal of marriage he engaged many noblemen who favoured the Protestant religion in the scheme and he imagined nothing was necessary towards obtaining her consent but her knowledge of the design To effect this he disguised himself as a gardener and worked several days in the hope of seeing Elizabeth but in vain for the Queens orders were so strict that she was allowed for exercise only a long gallery with latticed windows which joined to her apartment The awkwardness of the Earl in his new employment of which I was fond and consequently a competent judge caught my attention I spoke to him and the involuntary tremor caused by a fear of detection strengthened my suspicion he eluded my questions with too much exactness to be what he affected and this I mentioned casually to the Princess while entertaining her in the gallery she listened to what I said attentively and then walking to the window
desired me to point out the man he was sitting to rest himself with his eyes fixed intently on the house Elizabeth remained at the window buried in thought at last turning towards me she demanded if I esteemed her enough to run some hazard for her sake I assured her with an eagerness proportioned to the desire I had to serve her that she could command nothing I would not execute with joy She replied had not she expected such an answer she had not ventured such a question —what I wish then continued the Princess is that when you can find him alone you will tell that man I have seen and know him and since I cannot doubt his intention is to render me some service I request he will signify its nature by you but as he may doubt the sincerity of a gentleman whose interest seems so opposite to his own shew him this jewel he will remember it and say I bid you tell him it was the gift of his father to me some years ago
The Princess then took from her arm a remarkable diamond and gave it to my care I withdrew from her presence and never did night seem longer than that I spent before it was possible for me to execute her command but resolved not to lose a moment I arose very early and placed myself in a thicket through which I knew he must pass His reluctance to mix with the daily labourers whose happiness reaches not beyond a coarse meal and a coarse jest made him usually come alone and when the rest were past I saw him approach Certain without knowing who he was that he must be a man of distinction I drew near him with respect and delivered my embassy the confusion and doubt my address occasioned vanished at fight of the diamond he fell into raptures at the goodness of the Princess and no words seemed sufficient to testify his gratitude for my service
Acquainted enough with the world to know the placing a confidence is the furest way of attaching a young mind he made no secret of his name and gave
into my hands a letter as valuable to him as his life
Elizabeth disgusted at the free hope he exprest or perhaps unwilling to remove herself still farther from the throne by offending her sister declined the proposal of the Earl who neglected no instance to induce her to change her mind as he could never hope to find a time so favorable for her escape he fancied at last I had an interest in her rejecting him and when nothing could prevail with her lavished all his reproaches on me as the capital obstacle I know not to what extremities he might have carried his resentment had not Lord Arundel to whom the head gardener had declared his suspicion of this man from having found some jewels sewed in his garb caused him to be apprehended but his ill health and infirmities disabling him from an immediate examination notice was sent to the Court and the Earl confined with caution The Princess alarmed at this accident which she foresaw her enemies would construe to her disadvantage without giving her a chance to
justify herself forgot that calmness which constituted in her early years the meritorious part of her character I too sensibly felt her afflictions not to participate in this and to prove my sympathy formed a design which the romantic generosity Incident to youth alone could justify
Intrusted with the charge of the criminal it was very easy for me in the dead of night to set him free but to render my generosity complete and ensure his escape I ordered a horse to be in readiness in the thicket as for myself and furnishing him with some clothes of my own conducted him to the garden gate and returned more satisfied with my own conduct than I ever yet had been
The consequences of his escape suggested themselves immediately to Lord Arundel on his receiving the information he sent for me as my connivance was evident and angry at my refusing even a reason for it save the promise I had made he ordered me to be confined and dispatched a messenger to Court with the full particulars of the prisoners enlargement
A short time however abated his resentment he reproached himself for a rashness as culpable as my own and sent several of his servants to stay the first but not finding him return he was pleased at once to forget my obstinacy and by coming to visit me shew he pardoned my fault —He then told me he had nothing to propose that would ensure my safety but immediate flight and not doubting that he could appease the Queen recommended me to set out immediately for Ireland to take refuge with his brotherinlaw Sir Patrick Lineric Overwhelmed with his goodness I had no way to atone for my error but obedience and prepared for my journey without hesitation —the reluctance with which the Earl parted from me was a cutting reproach but heaven did not suffer me to escape unpunished I was met on the road by a party of guards conducted by the first messenger who ignorant of the change in Lord Arundels resolution imagined I was making my escape likewise and conjured the officer to seize me astonished
at a stroke so unforeseen and unlucky I delivered up my arms without resistance and was conducted to the Tower of London
Some days elapsed without my seeing any but my guard when I was conducted before the privy council and interrogated concerning what I knew of the prisoner and his designs but refusing to answer I was remanded back to a closer dungeon and harder fare This was repeated several times insomuch that I was astonished at not being tried and sentenced by the law when one day I was agreeably surprized at seeing Lord Arundel enter my prison Want of air and proper food had so altered me that the good man neglecting his commission wept like an infant on my neck but recovering and remembering he was not sent to console me —and had witnesses attending to report our discourse he began with conjuring me by every power he had over me as a father a guardian and a friend to provide for my own safety by a discovery of all I knew without which
my life would be devoted in spite of his efforts and the affliction of losing the only prop of his age would infallibly shorten his days
The gentleness of this address the concern which wrung every venerable feature pierced my soul and although I could not betray the Princess I will candidly confess I lamented my rash officiousness but as repentance was fruitless I had only to summon patience to endure an evil I had brought on myself nevertheless to afflict the benefactor to whose goodness I owed all was a trial indeed I threw myself at his feet I conjured him only to remember my obstinacy to cast me from his heart but never to employ a power I revered to make me odious and contemptible —assuring him an honourable death was in my eyes infinitely more to be desired than a life prolonged by treachery and ingratitude — He regarded me with attention and after seeming to deliberate for a moment he proceeded to offer me the most splendid rewards I stopt him oh
my Lord exclaimed I can you think so meanly of the man before you as to believe after resisting your intreaties he can poorly be bribed to do ill how truly unworthy then were I of the name of your son
What can I say said he turning to some men present and drawing his hands from mine to clasp them together in an agony of grief how seek to corrupt a constancy I admire Adieu my dear son I am unequal to the task imposed on me May the God who taught you principles so just bless and protect you whatever your fate my days may still be fewer than yours and this is perhaps an eternal farewell —Adieu again I will never forget you saying these words he caught hold of some persons present who rather carried than led him out
I had before this been supported by pride but the sense of doing wrong had never mingled with my feelings till now my own life had hitherto presented nothing to make it particularly valuable
but that of Lord Arundell was a blessing to himself and his country and what right had I to shorten it I whose peculiar duty it was to watch over his decay and smooth his passage to the grave this remembrance gave me inexpressible grief
I found likewise that the court from my resolution imagined the plot of much more consequence than it really was yet after so many denials I could not declare the whole without bringing an imputation more terrible than death on my memory I therefore called together every reflection that could fortify my mind and waited my fate with composure
A very few days after this interview put an end to the life of a Queen whose cruelty cast a blot alike on her sex and religion and Elizabeth being placed on the throne by the voice of the people made the opening of my prison doors one of her first cares —she did me the honour of seeing me in the garments I had worn in my confinement and gave me her royal word that she could find no greater pleasure in
her sovereignty than that of rewarding my fidelity
An allay was prepared to this satisfaction Lord Arundell expired the night before of the gout in his stomach but knowing I might claim my safety from the new Queen he had left me joint heir with his niece of his estates with only one condition which was that of marrying her ordering the covenant should be fulfilled in two years and if either party refused to comply his or her share of the fortune should go to the other — All the advantages I could have reaped had he left me sole heir of his wealth would never have recompensed me for his loss This blow lessened the hopes of my life I had promised myself in the first moments of my freedom to convince this nobly disinterested friend that independence could never lessen my gratitude but would rather increase an attachment to which the malicious could then assign no motive but the just one
The Queen in the first years of her reign loaded me with honors called me
her knight nor entered into any amusement in which I was not a party The obsequious behaviour of my equals flattered a vanity latent in my heart and persuaded me they saw deeper into her intentions than myself I was much younger than Elizabeth and involved in another engagement yet the world thought she loved me but being little disposed to matrimony and by the Queens bounty enabled to indulge myself I gave up to miss Lineric the estates of her uncle without even seeing her because I would not offend the relation of Lord Arundell by giving the world reason to believe I did it from distaste This circumstance no sooner reached the ear of the Queen than it filled her with gladness visible to the whole Court which confirmed them in the belief I was destined one day to share her rank I had reason to be convinced from many circumstances of the Queens conduct known but to myself that she really had an affection for me and only waited till some of the elder nobility who were my rivals had given up the pursuit
and till my years allowed her to make me her choice without bringing a censure on her prudence
Attached to Elizabeth rather by gratitude than affection I had patience enough to wait her resolution and entertained myself rather with the gaieties than the politics of the kingdom It was at this time the beautiful Mary of Scotland shone forth fatally for herself the rival of Elizabeth and destroyed that peace which prosperity and admiration had contributed to bestow on our Queen In the adversity of her youth she flattered herself with supporting a superiority over her oppressor by a discreet submission but to meet with so powerful a rival in beauty talents and empire when at the summit of her glory was a stroke as mortifying as unexpected She ever sickened at the name of Mary and by extravagant praises pointed the severe remarks she continually made on her conduct She maintained with a rigid exactness the advantages she possessed from the situation
of her kingdom over her neighbour and continually affected to chuse her a husband from the handsome and dissolute nobles of her Court Melvil the Scotch Ambassador among other presents to Elizabeth brought with him a picture of the Queen of Scotland it was done by a French artist exquisitely skilled this little portrait Elizabeth always wore hanging to her breast I never beheld it without admiring the finest imitation art could execute of the most finished production of nature One evening while the Queen was conversing with me my eyes by a kind of habit were fixed on this ornament she suddenly rose and retired in great wrath to her apartment She shut herself up three days before the extravagance of her resentment permitted her to form any resolution at last the Countess of Somerset came to me with the picture and an assurance from the Queen that as she perceived I could never be happy without the original she should alter her designs and had sent directions
to the Earl of Bedford to propose me to Mary
Thunderstruck at so excessive and ridiculous a jealousy I neglected nothing to satisfy the Queen I made a thousand protestations of my indifference to the Queen of Scots in vain Elizabeths pride was offended and that was the hardest to appease of all her passions—she insisted on my keeping the picture and haughtily forbad me ever to remember her but as my sovereign
I retired from her presence piqued by her haughtiness which though a quality adapted to her rank is disgusting in her sex The picture of Mary was yet in my hand—when I remembered the sweetness and affability she was famed for the infinite superiority of her charms and the softness of her character I was grateful to Elizabeth for her anger since it broke the ties my gratitude had formed and left me in hope of a happier fate — I repented a message I had sent off to the Earl of Bedford to forbid his mentioning
my name and only wished it might arrive too late —In my union with Elizabeth I saw I must be a cypher for she was jealous to excess of her power with Mary I might share a kingdom and by studying her humour render her and myself happy All our wishes are not however to be successful The Queen of Scots prepossessed that Elizabeth intended to raise me to the throne of England believed the proposal a jest and treated it as such The Earl of Bedford gave into this from a conviction he should oblige me by it and thus I found myself after having aspired to two Queens without hopes of either
From the moment of my being neglected by Elizabeth I had found myself in the condition of those favorites who fall from the pinnacle of greatness to obscurity After seeing my presence make a circle and my apartment a Court I appeared alone or continued in solitude Vanity and not generosity had governed me and of those who followed no one really loved and all envied me they rejoiced
in my disgrace and ridiculed my ambition What shall I say ladies shall I give false motives for my actions or confess faults my youth may cxcuse I must be sincere whether that sincerity interests you in my favour or otherwise
Resolved at all events to have the pleasure of mortifying my enemies—I wrote to the Queen assuring her the honors she had loaded me with were incumbrances since she had withdrawn her favor and if my offence unwitting as it was exceeded forgiveness I requested to resign my employments and retire to Kenilworth This letter I took an opportunity of presenting to her in the gardens of Sheen and far from pronouncing a severe sentence she was pleased to shed tears and tenderly reproached me on the lightness of my attachment on which I took the picture of the Queen of Scots and casting it into the Thames entreated her to bury with it the remembrance of my fault —She gave me her hand to kiss and I had the pride of leading her to the Court reinstated in her favor
This disgrace taught me a useful lesson which was to employ my power but to serve the worthy the only way to secure friends and avoid making enemies I learnt how to rate justly all who surrounded me to despise flattery and by never elevating myself put it out of the power of malice or envy in future to humiliate me The Queen was pressed by the Parliament to marry she had promised to deliberate on the proposal and my interest in her heart made me hope a favorable conclusion to my suit when an unfortunate chance overturned all my schemes and hopes and made me tremble whenever the Queen opened her lips to me lest I should hear a resolution which was so lately my utmost wish
Sir Walter the head of the Devereux family was lately created Earl of Essex he had been sent to Ireland to subdue the rebels where he married He returned to Court to present his bride whom I had scarce regarded a moment when my heart became sensible of a sentiment
unknown to it before I was ambitious of her notice and envied the courtiers who surrounded her I yet trembled to approach her and the compliment of introduction was delivered by me with a low voice and timid air the cold dignity of her manner and her instantly turning from me to converse with Lord Sands affronted me highly I examined all I had said or done but not finding any thing exceptionable on my part I condemned her as a flattered girl vain of accidental advantages even to folly I retired with the Queen without taking any farther notice of Lady Essex The Queen gave a ball that evening I drest several hours too soon and continually fancied the clock stood Not doubting that I had the power of mortifying Lady Essex I determined to use it even her Lord seemed united in her offence though I had no complaint to make against him but that he had married her In short pleased or angry I could think of nothing but her and though I staid at home till quite
tired I found myself the first in the drawing room
The Queen learning I was there and pleased with my attention which she placed to her own account sent for me to her closet among other questions she asked how I liked Lady Essex and the asperity with which I censured her was far from displeasing Elizabeth who had a talent for satire and was fond of all who excelled in it
We entered the room at the same moment with the lovely bride more obviously so as more adorned The Queen turned to me who was leaning on the back of her chair—I think said she my Lord I must take the liberty of appointing you to dance with Lady Essex that the Court may have an opportunity of admiring how well I have matched her I thought returned I your Majesty had promised me the pleasure of entertaining you and surely Lady Essex has matched herself much more happily Lord Leicester madam said that Lady in an ironical tone is uniform in his opinion
respecting me and for once I agree with him Saying this she gave her hand to her Lord who honoured the younger Cecil with it Amazed at a pique I could no way explain I remained in a sullen reverie till the Queen interrupted it by asking if I did not think Lady Essexs wit inclined to the severe I replied when I knew whether she had any sense I should judge of her wit but that at present she was perfectly unintelligible to me Why surely my Lord cried the Queen leaning on the arm of her chair and raising her eyes to mine you know she was Miss Lineric What a fund of intelligence was conveyed in these few words and what a revolution did they make in my mind —To find I had refused and in refusing insulted the woman on whom my happiness must depend or rather from whose resentment my misery was begun —Pride anger and ambition vanished my heart overflowing with chagrin and love applauded her just disdain and owned she could never despise me for my stupidity half so much as
I did myself Insensible to all the discourse of the Queen my eyes pursued with a vain and late regret the beauteous bride till the meanders of the dance eluding my sight I struck my head in a transport against the Queens chair and being obliged to excuse myself complained of a vertigo and retired
I was interrupted in the midst of the disagreeable reflections arising from the past scene by Elizabeths physician whom she had graciously ordered to attend me He easily invented a reason for a malady his art could neither cause or cure and having directed me to be bled left me to repose The Queen sent several messengers to enquire after me and when I paid my duty next to her almost gave me a relapse by dismissing her attendants Perplexed and uneasy I hardly dared to raise my eyes or anticipate her determination I met hers which seemed equally irresolute and a pause of a few moments was at last interrupted by Elizabeth
She informed me that after the most mature deliberation she found that although she preferred me to all men existing she could not by marrying make me happy or be so herself that in yielding to this weakness of her heart she should for ever fully her reputation for wisdom which would always while single teach her how to manage other potentates either by hope or fear and that such a degradation in general opinion would too sensibly affect her — Leicester said she thou seest my ingenuous motives—I know thou lovest me and to make thee some amends for the grief this must give thee be assured by our royal word that we will never marry another man however glorious his rank Consider therefore whatever matrimonial treaties are on foot as tubs thrown out to the whale and remember Elizabeths friendship shall distinguish thee almost as much as her choice could
I kissed the hand she held out to me with apparent chagrin but in reality she had relieved my heart from a heavy load
I ventured to admire a fortitude which reduced me to despair and thus amply gratified that vanity which in her takes the lead of sensibility Nevertheless I was struck with her demand of a solemn promise on my part never to marry without her consent and considered it as a selfish and arbitrary exaction unknown to a tender heart
The whole Court learnt I had lost my hopes without losing my influence The Queen just to her promise gave me a palpable superiority on every occasion and I only desired it to make my homage more gratifying to the fair Lady Essex who shewed too much anger to rob me of hope Had she appeared equally indifferent and polite she would totally have discouraged me but a man may reasonably flatter himself with the prospect of a pardon as long as a lady deigns to appear offended I made every possible concession to her pride and the pleasure she found in humbling me interwove me insensibly with her happiness
I should spare to your virgin delicacy ladies the acknowledgment of a disgraceful and guilty love was it not absolutely essential to mark the remainder of my story There was a levity and inconsistency in the manners of Lady Essex which soon awakened her Lords jealousy and as she had always been indulged to folly she could so ill brook any restraint that it threw her the more readily into my power The belief that I was loved alone by her and had myself reduced her to make another choice enabled her to preserve a merit with me even in her fall The few hours we could steal were lavished in the most ardent affection I grew almost as jealous of her as her Lord and blest the caution with which he shut her up more and more even from me since it totally excluded all other lovers The oftener I saw her however the more ardently I desired it and when at last her Lord was appointed to the command of the forces in Ireland whither he despotically resolved to carry her my passion and grief kept pace
with hers the Court presented nothing to me worthy to supply the loss of one so amiable and had not the Queen given me a command in the Low Countries I know not how I should long have concealed the emptiness of my bosom now its tenant was flown
Several years past away in a variety of scenes without my seeing Lady Essex when the early death of her Lord left her at liberty to fix her residence in England I returned home on the first intelligence The sober widowhood in which she lived made it difficult for me to gain admission to her presence which I at last effected by a disguise Her beauty shone through her sables with new and more touching graces while my heart betrayed me into involuntary exclamations and caresses She wept and retreating from my arms assured me the only action of her life she repented was that attachment which had sullied her innocence and which she was resolved to expiate by eternal seclusion and repentance All my intreaties were fruitless She burst
from me into an apartment where she told me her brother Mr Lineric was who instantly rushed into the room and demanded by what right I had presumed to detain her I answered truly by that of a lover alone and flattered myself with gaining the interest of this young Irishman in favor of my pretensions by obtaining a considerable post for him the next day I easily discerned her aim was a marriage with me which from every reason and more especially the promise I had made to the Queen I wished to avoid Endless negociations were carried on and these fermented the weakness of my heart to such a degree that I forgot her error Vanity but too easily persuades a generous man to pardon a srailty of which he is the cause and the object Lady Essex listened very readily to an honourable proposal and gave me at Greenwich an exclusive claim to that hand so long so passionately beloved
Anxious to conceal this event from the Queen who rigidly maintained over me the rights of a jealous lover while she
disclaimed the title I visited my bride very rarely and my affection rather encreased than diminished in fact I was the more completely happy when with because I hourly experienced in every absence the impossibility of being happy without her
To return one moment to the poor Matilda from the moment Lord Leicester named this Lady my heart presaged her his wife the closing evening had luckily prevented the various changes of my countenance from being visible but the supprest swellings of my heart at last conquered my spirits and I sunk back at this part of his recital if not fainting at least senseless
Lord Leicester alarmed united with the terrified Ellinor to recover me when fearing my full eyes would betray my heart I urged indisposition and besought his excuse for retiring to my chamber He made many apologies for having fatigued me to which Ellinor alone could answer As soon as he left us giving
way to an irresistible impression of sadness I threw my arms round Ellinor and wept bitterly her generous tears streamed with mine and we seemed fully to mingle souls without exchanging one word
I understand you my beloved sister said she and will spare your delicacy but you wanted courage to hear the whole and this lady is not immortal Think better of yourself and your hopes my dear Matilda for Ellinor becomes a prophet in your cause and says Lord Leicester and you were born for each other
This little sally could not call the smile she wished for into my cheek I was the more hurt at this event because I had though I know not for what reason except that we all too readily believe what we wish overlooked it in my arrangement of suppositions I past the whole night in walking about my room and lamenting He is married I would exclaim that invaluable heart and hand are then anothers Oh just Heaven have I then inherited my mothers fate with her features
Is a guilty passion ordained to be the crime and scourge of all my race let me at least bury it in my bosom Yes cried I with conscious dignity I may be unfortunate but not censurable the daughter of Mary shall be worthy the Stuart line When this admired Leicester returns into the world he shall remember with reverence this innocent asylum and the family of Howard shall be still dear to him Oh may he return in safety to that most happy of wives while I waste my youth in a solitude only pleasing by its having once been his shelter Self would then predominate and floods of impassioned tears wash away every just resolution Alas I forget to whom I am writing the language and thoughts of lovers must be uniformly the same and I can only excuse these rhapsodies by observing a tender heart traces its own emotions under the name of another with a melancholy pleasure
Lord Leicester at the usual hour the next day resumed his narrative
The wars in the Low Countries carried me abroad half the year and the remainder I divided between the Court and my Lady Security perhaps produced carelessness and the French Ambassador whose Court was interested in depriving me of the Queens favor as the chief obstacle to her appointed marriage with the Duke of Anjou by some unexpected vigilance traced out the secret of my marriage of which he immediately apprized Elizabeth I had the vexation one morning to receive the most marked tokens of her displeasure for she is but too well known to give an unbounded license to her tongue whenever her passions are awakened She ended her virulent reproaches with ordering me immediately to join the army in the Netherlands and never to return without her permission Thunderstruck both with the discovery and her conduct I bowed and retired without attempting to offer a single word in my own defence The Queen made me however some atonement for her violence by refusing the Duke
when every preliminary was settled which cruelly disappointed the French Ambassador
No longer condemned to silence my retinue escorted Lady Leicester to Kenilworth Castle as the safest residence while the Queens anger continued and I obeyed her in departing for Holland I soon learnt that Elizabeths chief reason for not recalling me was the being obliged to pardon my wife to whom by a most unaccountable whim she had transferred all her resentment and whom she hoped to punish by continuing to separate us The times and a variety of reasons made our correspondence uncertain months sometimes elapsed and without I sent an express I obtained no news of one so dear to me I was unjust enough to impute the difficulties by turns to the Queen and my enemies and piqued at Elizabeths ungenerous motive for exiling me resolved to pass over incognito into England and conduct Lady Leicester into the Netherlands or if she was averse to that measure endeavour to appease the Queen
I executed my design so happily that my arrival at my own Castle was the first news of my intention to Lady Leicester whom I found confined to the house by indisposition It struck me her joy was nearly allied to sorrow but the thought was momentary and I imputed it to her malady Her beauty appeared much impaired but placing the alteration merely to grief for my absence it became a new call upon my tenderness She told me the terror she was under of Elizabeth had made her almost a prisoner in her own house where she had passed fifteen months without any company except her brother who had kindly followed her into this solitude to fix her influence over an ungovernable train of servants to whom she was a stranger I returned Lineric every acknowledgment and complimented him with a fine diamond given me by the States on a former occasion
A long absence from this mansion where art and nature unite to produce almost the effect of novelty made it appear
a most heavenly retreat from the noise and bustle of a camp I passed the afternoon in surveying the gardens and directing many necessary alterations
Insensibly fatigued beyond bearing I consented at the persuasion of my Lady to retire and endeavour to rest an hour early in the evening I had slept several when my valet Le Val threw open the curtains and with a countenance full of horror and intelligence deprecated the wrath such a rude salutation must necessarily occasion
Amazed beyond expression I bad him recollect himself since while thus confused I could not rely on his accounts however kind his intention
Pardon me my Lord said he the liberty your safety reduces me to take of sounding the truth of the grievous intelligence I am obliged in duty to reveal by first questioning your Lordship have you remarked that almost all your domesticks are changed
I was struck with conviction by the
question though I had not made the observation
No no said he warmly there was a devilish reason for that
Beware Le Val returned I of what you would insinuate for if without proof you dare asperse—
I have but too sufficient reasons my Lord added he shaking his head but they shall never pass this bosom if you give an affirmative to my next demand — Are you convinced my Lord that man is brother to my Lady who is called so
I hesitated
Let us hope not said he with vehemence lest we shock humanity for as sure as one God made than both they are but too well agreed
Horrorstruck with the idea my heart sickened and involuntarily admitted a doubt but too many circumstances corroborated —Her love of retirement might proceed more from such an attachment than regard for me—nay even her marriage be but an honourable veil to the
loosest connexion I had neither power nor will to silence the poor fellow who went on with an honest eagerness—
Of all the servants long retained by your Lordship two only remain and the rest are a set of ungoverned Irish attached by country to both brother and sister The sewer owns he kept his place by silence and submission and dame Margery the housekeeper most probably by managing all my Ladys secrets But the sewer will make oath of my Ladys intercourse with Lineric and that far from wishing for your return they are alarmed at it beyond measure as my Lady expects every hour to be delivered — Nor is this all
Give me time to breathe Le Val cried I for this horrible intelligence unmans me
I could not be silent and know you wronged my Lord though your sword were to rip out my heart But I fear the worst—I fear lest something is now hatching against your life for my Lady is in Margerys room directing some carp in
the manner you used to like so well and I saw Linerics servant set out for Coventry from whence he is this moment returned with a horse his speed has half killed
Well well said I be assured I shall consider over all you have said and will avoid tasting the dish you mention
Ah my Lord that will only convince them you suspect their diabolical intention and the servants of their own placing form a little army in the house If my Lord will hear the advice of his servant I have a way to propose which will have no ill consequence if no ill is meant if otherwise it will fall only on the contrivers Another dish composed of the same ingredients the sewer can place at the bottom of the table when the supper is served I will pretend to be drunk and making a scuffle in the adjoining hall my Lady and her brother will naturally take the alarm and interfere the sewer can in the interim change the two dishes by which means my Lady will taste the
dish of her own preparing and must abide the event
This plan was of itself so innocent and well contrived that I resolved to authorise it and Le Val satisfied with his discovery retired He had indeed relieved his mind but what a weight had he left on mine The bare idea had filled me with a thousand horrors Every thing confirms us in either love or hatred —The silence of my friends when my marriage was discovered her tears her altered person that remissness in writing for which I had in my own heart censured the Queen—all in short I so lately thought inestimable proofs of her love now rose as terrible presumptions of her guilt and yet when I saw her enter my chamber presently after and tenderly accuse me for so long an absence I could have received a mortal draught from her hand with less pain than it cost me to suspect her
The day was closing and the table covered when I entered the Hall occasioned by my long sleep Le Val began the
premeditated uproar and Lady Leicester with her brother flew towards the door whence the attendants had before departed eager to increase the bustle The faithful sewer on whom I kept an eye exchanged the dishes in the manner agreed and we returned to the table I observed to my Lady that she trembled violently which she naturally enough attributed to the alarm Assuring me she had herse prepared the carp she insisted on my doing honor to it and urging her to bea me company I accepted her invitation An involuntary emotion made me every moment ready to prevent her tasting the exchanged dish but the pleasure with which the infamous Lineric seemed to see me swallow the supposed death kept me from speaking Scarce was the table cleared when Lady Leicester sunk back in strong convulsions Conscience made Lineric exclaim poison poison Every common antidote was administered in vain she was borne to her chamber in an hopeless state and I retired to mine to meditate alone This terrible conviction
of the unhappy fate prepared for me on my return from an exile she alone had occasioned converted my love into horror and aversion She raved dreadfully at intervals and persisting to the last I had poisoned her expired early in the morning The blackness of the soul diffused itself over the body and the proof of her infidelity was too obvious in her person
Whether Linerics constitution was less liable to infection or that he had tasted the carp more sparingly it was not till she expired that he found himself affected but the dose was too deadly for him to escape Convinced by his sisters example that there was no effectual antidote he summoned all his Irish domestics into his chamber The faithful Le Val chose that moment to enter mine and inform me of the consultation which he insisted would produce some fatal event if I did not consent that moment to mount horses which were ready and attended by him and Williams set out for London this step would give me the advantage of first representing the fact while it secured my
person from any savage revenge the sewer in the interim by the intervention of the tenants might secure the Castle the moment the ruffians abandoned it in pursuit of me
This advice had its due weight with me and quitting the Castle by stealth I rode off with Le Val and Williams from my own servants as the worst of assassins and from my home as my grave It was now daybreak and we had not proceeded many miles when from the top of a hill we perceived a party apparently pursuing having the fleeter horses we kept the advantage for near twenty miles when by taking some shorter road unknown to us we saw them very near St Vincents Abbey appeared at the same moment in sight which Le Val conjured me to seek giving him my cloak to mislead the assassins We had no time for deliberation I struck into the wood where finding my horse an incumbrance I left him to his fate and was endeavouring to make my way through the bushes without any certainty of being right
when I had the happiness to meet so fair a deliverer
Lord Leicester thus concluded his story but oh how much of my life had evaporated during the relation The unconquerable anxiety with which I followed him united my heart for ever with his and convinced me no disparity of either situation or years can restrain the eager sentiments of youth seeking for merit As the only acknowledgment for his noble frankness I in turn related the little tale already repeated of our melancholy birth and undecided fate Tears composed of every melting sensation seemed to fall from my eyes on his heart Those fine eyes were teeming with some generous consolation when a sudden noise obliged us to separate Hardly could he regain the chamber hallowed as Mrs Marlows ere Father Anthony joined us the natural austerity of his air heightened by some present chagrin He threw himself into a chair and preserved a long silence which fear of his having penetrated into our mystery prevented my
breaking Confused beyond description a thousand colours chased each other from my cheek nor had I power to raise my eyes to my sister who accustomed equally to love and honor me seemed in holding my hand to have gained a sufficient protection
Unfortunate children cried he with a deep sigh Heaven has at last completed the calamitous circumstances under which you were born destined to an imprisonment as lasting as your royal mothers you have but the melancholy advantage of chusing it Lord Scroope is dead in the confinement and disgrace with which Elizabeth rewarded him his lands his honors the very spot on which you stand all are the property of a distant relation and you now see before you your only friend—a feeble helpless friend bending daily towards that grave you alone render displeasing to him The moment may yet come when the rights of your mother will ascertain yours and all I can do for you in the interim is to convey you secretly into France and place you under
the protection of the family of Guise their prudence or their pride may equally induce them to secure you an asylum in a monastery
The terrible alternative implied in these words froze up my blood and the beatings of my heart died away —to become an exile from England—to forget Lord Leicester—or to be forgot by him— to be delivered up a martyr to the family of Guise perhaps by them tyrannically buried in a eloister a perjured selfcondemned wretch whose soul was full of an earthly image while devoting itself to its Maker All the arguments and entreaties Father Anthony made use of in a long harangue were lost upon me I knew him to be speaking but by the motion of his lips and offered up to God in my tears a confutation of all he could advance He left us not till too late for another interview with Lord Leicester and I past the night in an anguish time can never erase from my memory—pale unrefreshed either by sleep or dress I met
my Lord next morning more like a spectre than myself He took my hand and expressing his surprise but by a glance kissed it in tender silence I did not dare raise my eyes to his and tears stealing from under their lids fell on the united hands Oh how much was expressed in the silence of that moment I seemed to understand all I wished and at length respired freely Ellinor unrestrained by the tender delicacy which actuated me declared to Lord Leicester at once the fate allotted us and her utter detestation of it The eagerness with which he entered into our interests bespoke something stronger than friendship A thousand times he assured Ellinor of his esteem and affection to me he said nothing but pressing the hand he still held its trembling confessed it knew all the distinction A ray of pleasure once more enlightened my soul methought at that moment I could have borne every evil fortune can inflict No he will never forget me sighed I to myself in whatever remote solitude I am
again lost to him this dreary Recess the daughters of Mary in their rustic garb and lowly manner will eclipse all the glories of a court all the gifts of Elizabeth For the remainder of his stay a serene delight which neither arose from nor can be conveyed by language animated us alike the intercourse of the eyes and heart took place of that of the tongue and perhaps nothing was more remote from our thoughts than what we conversed about till my Lord fixed my attention by declaring he would no longer intrude on our goodness than till the next morning A sigh accompanied these words and a sigh was my only reply Ellinor who ever treated him with a freedom inseparable from a disinterested regard insisted he ought not to quit so safe an asylum rashly He replied he should bury himself with us did he not hope to revisit it in a more acceptable manner Breaking off at these words with an irresolution and timidity which shewed he had not said all he intended after pausing a few moments he resumed
Can you pardon Ladies a friendship perhaps too officious But since your natural support and just hopes have failed may I flatter myself you will have the goodness to suspend your resolutions respecting the future till I can appear with honor again before you A short time is due to clearing my own fame for ill would it become me to claim the guardianship of the Royal Marys beauteous children while loaded with opprobrium He was proceeding when the cough of Father Anthony startled us Scarce had Ellinor time to lead my Lord out at one door ere he entered at another to visit Alice who had sunk under the fatigue and grief attending the loss of her mistress With an art I had newly learnt I snatched up a book in which I affected to be so absorbed as not to hear him till at my shoulder With real perturbation I arose on his speaking and as usual was preceding him to Alices chamber when he called me back in haste and pointing to the ground bade me give him what lay there But what words can
express the various emotions which ran through my frame when I perceived it was the picture of Elizabeth which the Earl had in retiring somehow or other dropt Instead of obeying I snatched it up and attempted to hide it in my bosom when with a strong arm the Father wrested it from me and read in my features half the mystery the name engraved on it the date all put him out of doubt as to the owner and nothing remained but to learn how I had come by it Without the finesses of my sex on the occasion as soon as my terrors and tears permitted I related the whose adventure incoherently With his customary sternness he overwhelmed me with reproaches Rash girl cried he could no human prudence save thee Did not the lost Saint whom I must ever lament entomb herself merely to preserve a secret the folly of a babys curiosity betrayed ere her ashes were cold What confidence can be placed in the favorite of Elizabeth whose interest it undoubtedly must be to flatter those in whose hands his life
now is and then deliver them up to exalt himself by the total silent ruin of the Stuarts prudence directs us rather to secure ourselves by retaining him for ever here
First may I perish on the block where my father ended his days cried I in a transport of love and grief let me oh God rather be a martyr to the sins of mankind than submit to partake them What be more cruel than the assassins from whom we saved him Pardon me Father cried I reccovering myself but you know not the story or the heart of Lord Leicester who far from betraying us is anxious to become our guardian and protector
Such a guardian as the wolf is to the lamb retorted he acrimoniously—who oh who would willingly have the management of youth Unhappy child added he wilt thou inherit the faults with the features of thy mother an idle weakness like thine sapped all her morals and left a stain on her life time never can erase
but if not more virtuous be at least more prudent
Hold Father Anthony cried I with a dignity which awed even him into silence nor cancel all the merit of your actions by a surmise my foul disdains Far be it from me to censure a parent but still farther be it to deserve the censure of an indifferent person I may have erred but only in innocence and the life that beats within this bosom can never issue to a nobler purpose than to save that of Lord Leicester
Nothing is more dangerous than to judge a generous and youthful mind harshly it then is too easily acquitted to itself and rises against suspicions it is unconscious of deserving The shock the Fathers doubts had given me brought to light without one idea of shame that partiality I durst hardly before acknowledge to myself
Convinced by my manner he had lost his influence over me he commanded Ellinor to reconduct my Lord into his
presence and requested to be left alone with him I departed most reluctantly but I would not entirely exasperate him The injustice of mankind gave me too much reason to dread lest he should affront Lord Leicester who might unite the innocent with the guilty and abandon us entirely aversions extend but too frequently through families nay even descend from generation to generation
Their conference continued two whole hours while I counted the moments in painful expectation at last Father Anthony entered our room and bidding Ellinor entertain Lord Leicester desired me to collect my spirits and listen to him
However my suspicions may offend you young Lady said he I will suppose it possible I mayknow as much of the world who have passed my youth in it as you who have yet been confined almost to these walls Well had it been if you had never gone beyond them When I tell
you this Lord you have saved demands your hand you will indulge a thousand romantic sallies and see in his request a love as blind as your own Perhaps there may be something in that perhaps too he recollects that your mother is the next in succession to the crown of England— that she may die in prison and that the aversion the English ever entertain to a foreign sway may prevail over the prior claim of your brother James and his ambition may be gratified by a preference given to you The cruel necessity imposed by your unlimited confidence of attaching Lord Leicester to your interest makes it needless to enumerate the objections I could reasonably urge against your union the recent loss of his wife I find puts it in his power to marry you you have left yourself no choice but to marry him and never will I consent to his departing from this Recess till the contracts I shall dictate are solemnly signed and the marriage completed in all its forms
Imagine Madam my situation during this speech— Oh Anthony thy dictatorial manner then was happipiness in one moment to emerge from the abyss of despair and soar into the regions of bliss to find the generous Leicester was willing once more to sacrifice his safety for love once more to risque a displeasure from which he was not yet relieved to raise me from obscurity—ah to raise me to himself a height in my estimation beyond the throne of my ancestors The fond hope suggested by the Fathers speeeh of one day rewarding my Lords tenderness was all I remembered of it Crowns and sceptres those playthings in the hands of love surrounded me in imagination and impassioned tears rolled down my glowing cheeks while I said to myself in the language of Miranda I am a fool to weep at what I am glad of
Reflection and circumstances a little foftened Father Anthony who saw himself on the point of being relieved from a heavy charge to which his impoverished
fortune and decaying years rendered him unequal The amiable Leicester joined us and every heart being lightened of its load an evening of such refined pleasure succeeded that could I wish to live over one of my whole life I would select that as the happiest
The interest the honor of my Lord demanded his return to Court and Father Anthony having prepared due contracts insisted on my compliance His commands and the wishes of Lord Leicester added to these weighty reasons overruled my sense of decorum and our hands were united
The peculiarity of the situation can alone excuse such a marriage but I was born for obedience Formed wholly of the mild elements I wept the disappointment of my wishes ever in silence Scarce had the transport of finding myself happy given place to reason when my mother recurred to my mind Unblest by her matron presence my nuptials were but half hallowed nay unblest
with her consent I compared with grief her fate and mine a long captivity had impaired her health and no hope of a release to her spirits I although pent in a still narrower prison beheld it enclose almost every human good and could have consented to end my days in it
But the honor the welfare of my Lord ordained otherwise every passing hour gave his enemies an advantage Our servant James had been sent immediately on our marriage to Kenilworth castle which he informed us on his return was in the possession of the faithful tenants who had been able of all the servants to secure only Dame Margery This detestable instrument of a superiors barbarity more terrified at the idea of an infamous death than any due sense of her crime attempted to end her days with a remnant of the poison prepared for her Lord but being detected it only supplied a new proof of her guilt Tormented by fear and despair she at last sound means to strangle herself in the night In her my
Lord lost one evidence of his innocence which made his presence at court doubly necessary The family of Lineric having received information of the melancholy catastrophe of both brother and sister from the Irish servants who had been their abettors had carried away the bodies as if to inter them but kept them in the hands of surgeons still undetermined how to proceed
Involved in one fate with my love I knew no peace even in his arms but with incessant admonitions drove him from me refusing resolutely to accompany him and although his fondness induced him to urge my departure his reason must suggest to him all its danger Would Elizabeth who thus resented his marrying an equal ever pardon his afpiring to her blood and how could we sufficiently guard from others a secret my very features betrayed to him Actuated but by the single wish of passing my life near Lord Leicester I neither asked to be known or honored by any one but himself nor to be greeted by a title only endeared to me because he bore it
The strong aversion with which I had been taught to regard the reigning Queen might perhaps influence me in this case Before I gave my hand to Lord Leicester I had made him promise never to carry me to Court a promise readily given since it perfectly accorded with his wishes Nay in this happy union every wish I could form seemed to be completed I gained to that dear mother who never left my thoughts although I could neither ask her advice or consent in deciding my fate a powerful friend in the favourite of her unjust rival I hoped he might yet be prevailed on to attempt her freedom and I already placed myself at her feet overcome with the dear idea of having been the instrument of her deliverance Alas Madam were it not for such vague imaginary joys how could we exist All our real pleasures fall infinitely short of these Tor the preceding and following afflictions oblige our reason too often to correct them But fancy powerful fancy gains vigour from disappointment and an infant hope ever arises like
the Phoenix from the ashes of the dying one
A week after my marriage Lord Leicester departed for Court promising soon to return and conduct me to Kenilworth where he had previously resolved I should reside with Ellinor He depended less on Elizabeths partiality than the justice of his cause and was far from declining a trial in which he was satisfied his innocence would become conspicuous He was sorry nevertheless to convince the Queen he had wronged her confidence only to obtain the most unworthy of her sex
From his departure I date my entrance into the world I had rather till this period looked on than lived in it Now I began to feel its anxieties the painful consequences of its tenderest ties Shall I tell you all Madam that passed in my heart In spite of the proof I had received of a matchless affection I could not persuade my self Lord Leicester would ever return If the Queen rinding him once more free and taught his value by his loss
should at last resolve to espouse him how could a poor girl already possessed and left in a solitude where even the news of his infidelity could not reach her till too late how would she weigh against a crown Where could she hope for justice when the Sovereign who swears to protect must find it her interest tocondemn her Overcome with this formidable phantom I gave myself up for some days to a despair as violent as my love This imagination was only interrupted by another not less afflicting How if his interest in the Queens heart had expired in his absence if equally offended at his disobedienee and its motive she should join with his enemies His proofs appearing less satisfactory to me than himself I feared it was possible he might be condemned as a criminal when he was in reality the devoted victim
One of these suppositions Was as unjust to the Queen as the other to my dear Lord and Father Anthony dispelled
them all by some letters he brought me I had the happiness to find Lord Leicester was received by the Queen with kindness and that the family of Lineric persuaded of his innocence would not provoke him to make public the infamous design of his late wife by calling him to a trial he had therefore but one caution to observe which was ta conceal this new union with more care than the last to effect this he must delay our meeting for some little time left his immediately retiring from Court should lead the curious to search into the cause
My doubts vanished with these proofs of his attention I had only now to contend with the involuntary hatred I had conceived for the Recess I wandered through every apartment without finding rest in any my impassioned fancy followed my love into the court and the silence and consinement I lived in became more and more odious I beheld with astonishment the composure of my sister and envied her a tranquillity I would
not have regained by being unmarried if 1 could
At last the happy hour arrived when I was to quit my retirement Lord Leicester had projected the mode of my departure ere he left me Le Val and his valet were the only persons in the secret To all others we passed for young women educated in a Convent who not finding a call to the monastic life came with the consent of our friends to embellish the retirement of Lord Leicester by our musical talents This tale we were well able to support for my voice was a very fine one and the skill and taste of Mrs Marlow added to the tuition of a master had taught me to manage it properly Ellinor had not the same advantage but touched the lute with a delicacy so exquisite that we became necessary to each other and as I never sung so well without her accompaniment she had been so accustomed to adapt it to my voice that something seemed wanting to either when the other was silent The passion Lord Leicester had
for music in which he was a proficient gave the strongest probability to the whole He had paid a handsome sum to accomplish the two daughters of his steward in that science and the young women were taught to expect an addition to their number The time Le Val remained in the Recess preparing every thing for our departure was long enough for him to seem employed in fetching us from abroad Lord Leicester came several times to direct all and to support and cheer us with accounts of the care he had taken to render the apartments destined to us commodious and agreeable
The Recess till now so calm so tiresomely tranquil became at once full of confusion and hurry the family pictures were taken from their frames and conveyed through Father Anthonys cell gradually to Kenilworth
By what strange caprice is it everything seems dear to us the moment we know we must lose it Involuntary tears filled my eyes when the hour of my departure
arrived As much a stranger to the world as if just born into it how could I promise to myself years as peaceful as I had experienced in the Recess Long habit has the art of giving charms to places or rather it is the people who inhabit them It seemed to me as if in quitting the spot where the dust of Mrs Marlow was interred I quitted likewise her idea every spot I looked on was marked by some noble sentiment or tender emotion of that dear lady but I was unjust to myself for I have carried in my heart through every scene of life her respectable image and nothing but death can efface it
To part with those we love is the most painful stretch of humanity but what can make it painful to part with those we do not love Separation like death seems to erase all the individual ever did to displease us and leaves no remembrance but of his obliging actions We lost but little in Father Anthony but could he forget what he must lose in us His
declining years and ill health required the tenderest attention and surely the care he had shewn in educating us gave him a just claim to ours My feelings in this were superior to my sisters for he had been the means of my happiness I joined my intreaties to those of the generous Lord Leicester to prevail on him to reside in a retirement at Kenilworth but although he seemed deeply affected at parting with us he was inflexibly bent on ending his days where those of his sister ended James still remained to attend on him and Alice was carried very ill to the carriage which conveyed us away
We took nothing but the ornaments from the Recess leaving the furniture ready to accommodate any future unfortunates whom the Father should think worthy such a relief
It was in the dusk of the evening we arrived at Kenilworth castle the stewards wife received us with her daughters Unconscious of our superiority they treated us as young people Who sought
from the generosity of their master a comfortable subsistence Although I had agreed to confirm this story I felt myself shocked at the freedom they used from it I could have fallen to them but was affronted at their rising to me A little time however reconciled me It is Lord Leicesters interest and shall be my pleasure was always my argument with myself Mrs Hart for that was the name of this domestick expatiated on her Lords person character and magnificence she officiously pointed out the rich ornaments of the gallery and apartments and looked round to us every moment with the impertinent expectation of seeing us filled with the low awe and surprize of people unaccustomed to grandeur The indifference with which we regarded every thing was not a less affront to her consequence she shrunk before it and passed the remainder of the evening in a cold and haughty silence Her daughters not more amiable than herself gloomily regarded our dresses and by whispering excluded us from joining in the conversation
Such was my introduction into the family it was my right to govern My heart sunk within me I believed myself already fallen to a servant and neglected by Lord Leicester Unused to the circumspection necessary where secrecy is desired I demanded to be welcomed in his arms I surveyed the eyes of my Ellinor fearful they might reproach me for having innocently degraded the daughter of the Queen of Scots but that dear girl too delicate to add to my uneasiness preserved apparently her gaiety and sweetly accommodated herself to the people with whom fortune had mingled her
The alledging fatigue and indisposition obliged them to conduct us to the apartment allotted us I should perhaps have wondered at its richness but that I saw scarce any inferior I was no sooner left in it with Ellinor than I gave free scope to the tears I had scarce been able before to suppress My face was hid in her bosom when the voice of Lord Leicester recalled me to myself I dried my eyes
unwilling to reproach him even by a tear he entered through a private door to change the cause of my grief to joy for in his presence I hardly ever knewn any other emotion and the generous anxiety with which he entreated our pardon for the reception discretion had obliged him to order us had something in it so graceful so ardent and tender that all the pride of my heart subsided at once and left it full of gratitude and affection
We wished my sister a good night and then passing through a dark passage the whole length of the grand gallery came into Lord Leicesters apartments to which every place I ever saw was mean He had a noble spirit a splendid fortune and an exquisite taste He had greatly improved this ancient seat the gift of Elizabeth its finely chosen situation elegant architecture and superb furniture made it the model of a thousand others The beauties divided through the rest of the house in this apartment were united and he gave a proof of the attention inseparable from real love by omitting nothing
to embellish it he had ever heard me commend Ah Madam these are the mighty trifles that so exquisitely flatter a tender heart and form its most perfect enjoyments
THE communication between our apartments was a profound secret to all the servants but Le Val and Williams my Lords valet in whose fidelity after the late trial he had the most perfect confidence We were to keep up the farce presented to Lord Leicester the next day who soon by his growing distinction taught Mrs Hart and her daughters to observe a kind of deference in their behaviour to us He ordered them to attend
us round the gardens and park and not to fail shewing us whatever was worth observation and through what a beautiful variety did they lead us a world in miniature A magnificent lake presented itself in whose clear bosom the trees were reflected and round which the sheep and deer grazed on rich pasture swans and waterfowls innumerable played on its surface and an aight in the centre was made highly picturesque by several halfseen cottages and emblems of agriculture The late Lady Leicester needed not to have made a merit of residing within these walls since nature and art could furnish nothing lovely that was not enclosed here Several gilded boats and little vessels danced on the bosom of the lake and added by the various streamers which played upon the surface to the gaiety and richness of the prospect When we turned the other way the Gothic towers swelling bastions gigantic statues and majestic sweep of the building made that an object scarce less worthy of admiration
All our allotted employment was to sing to Lord Leicester while at dinner but as he frequently entertained the neighbouring Nobles and Gentlemen a curtain of muslin was drawn over the balcony to screen us from observation In the evening we sometimes fished on the lake or Lord Leicester to indulge in our company joined in the concert we formed every day brought with it some amusement and the restraint we lived under kept up even in matrimony all that delicacy and spirit of affection which is by case of mind too apt to decay At last painful necessity obliged Lord Leicester to return to Court he however would not leave me with more than one equal in the family therefore directed that I should preside one month and my sister the next by this method rendering it hard for them to fix on his favorite We likewise with the stewards daughters wore one kind of habit and busied ourselves in the working rich tapestry
But my own happiness could not erase from my mind the opposite fate of the unhappy Queen who gave us birth She was then confined at a place not far distant from Kenilworth I had already tried all my interest with Lord Leicester in her favour without success and so just was his noble inflexibility that at the moment my heart was pierced by it my reason admired it Another man would he say in attempting the release of the illfated Mary would only forfeit his obedience and endanger his life and were those all perhaps I should not be able to refuse my Matilda But remember my love to these I must add the blackest treachery and ingratitude it would be viper like stinging to death the generous heart that warmed me Never employ the voice of virtue to charm me to vice for what seems a duty in you would be the worst of crimes in me and what confidence could my wife have in my honor if I was capable of betraying a partial Sovereign
I then would urge my only wish was to restore my mothers liberty which nothing but an unparalleled breach of confidence could have taken from her for eighteen years observing her crown had been lined with thorns too keen for her to desire to wear it again
Ah my dear Matilda he would cry how ignorant are you of these terrible emotions jealousy and revenge permit me to know your mothers character better than yourself She had too much pride and pleasure in reigning to submit tamely to this imprisonment or even supposing tired of the evils always inseparable from a Crown she could master her just resentment and seeking an asylum with her children ask only to die in peace her relations would not suffer it The ambition of the Guises is become a proverb they would make use of her name and wrongs to shake the throne of Elizabeth and instead of guarding the Queen to whom I owed a perfect duty I should have have the misery of seeing
a terrible war devour my country of which I was the cause Who knows my dear Matilda if amidst these calamities my temper might preserve its equality I might remember with regret the fatal advice which had misled me and you might lament too late the sacrificing your own happiness to a fallacious hope of restoring your mothers— Remember Elizabeth is now declining the chances of life may bring about all you wish —The compassion of the people has been kept alive for Mary these seventeen years should we lose Elizabeth her very imprisonment would turn to her advantage by keeping her in the midst of a kingdom to which she is the lawful heir my supposition is not vague for the example of Elizabeth herself proves it very possible
What could I oppose to reasoning so just I could only recommend the cause of my dear parent to him who can pull down the mighty and exalt the weak
Every letter from my Lord was filled with complaints of the tediousness of the Court and breathed the very soul of love —He often intreated me to tell him I was happy and when I complied reproached me through a tender caprice for being so without him —He required me to enumerate my hourly employments and although half my time was spent in writing pacquets to him always complained of the shortness of my letters He indeed gave me no cause to retort for it appeared as if he withdrew from the Court half of his hours to amuse me with all the little humorous incidents it continually furnished But even these had not always the power to effect what he wished—my fate never allowed me one hour of perfect happiness and an evil arose in his absence which filled me with the most terrible apprehensions
My lovely sister who was ever my pride and delight possessed in a peculiar degree that amiable gaiety which lessens the distance of rank From her first introduction
at Kenilworth she had given way to an increase of spirits natural from such a change in our prospects little foreseeing how great a danger might arise from it —Williams had been raised by Lord Leicester to the superintendancy of the family on his returning to Court He preferred this man believing he would from knowing me his Lady take care I was treated with due respect Williams had been a soldier and had contracted the authoritative air annexed to petty officers which made him in appearance peculiarly suited to the post assigned him —Imust confess he was never a savorite with me nature had been unkind to him and he had been more unkind to himself in not softening her severity He was beyond the meridian of life his person coarsely made his complexion swarthy and his face much scarred he had besides a fierceness of mien which scarce bent to Lord Leicester who of all men eminently possessed the art of inspiring as much respect as affection
This man then madam marked out thus by nature ventured to raise his eyes to the royal the beautiful Ellinor—the sprightliness of her manner abated his respect and he had the insolence to declare his passion call it honourable and solicit her return My sister had too much understanding not to feel her own fault and too much pride to support his insolent freedom She left him with ineffable disdain as not worthy of a reply and came directly to me—a presentiment of some evil consequence arose in my mind at the moment she related the insult I resolved to give Lord Leicester immediate notice of it that he might take his measures accordingly and in the mean while appeared constantly with my sister But we had to manage a man equally artful and fearless He had the consummate impudence to open my letter and finding its subject detain it In the mean time no advice arriving from Lord Leicester in answer to mine I remained on the rack of uncertainty tormented by the confidence of a wretch from whom there was no possible escape
and uncertain even of the nature or extent of our danger At last unable as the wife of Lord Leicester to endure his insults and tired of waiting my Lords resolution I took an opportunity of representing to him the daring boldness of his conduct in speaking of love to the sister of his Lord
Without any emotion or confusion he pleaded guilty to the charge but artfully endeavoured to exculpate himself from presumption by alledging the rank in which we appeared and the supposition that we were raised from obscurity by his Lord who of course could only ennoble me —At this insinuation all the pride of Norfolk and Mary animated my features yet fortunately recollecting myself I replied with moderation for the villain doubtless aimed at discovering from whom we really sprung since our habitation had too probably struck him as containing a consequential secret
I forbad him mildly ever to address my sister in that light again without the approbation of my Lord and attempted to
retire when stopping me he bad me recollect that I talked to one possessed of more authority in the house than myself that I likewise knew a secret of the utmost importance was in his power and he was determined to make every use of it in case I did not persuade my sister to accept him that I must imagine him a fool by referring him to Lord Leicester in short instead of asking him he was resolved to prevent his arriving at the knowledge of the affair for which reason he had kept back all my last letters
How cruel madam was my situation alone without any means of gaining protection from the remainder of my servants except by declaring a secret he knew too well I would never reveal to be thus braved as well as insulted was dreadful I had yet no way of eluding him since the whole family were under his governance and had I offered to write to Lord Leicester through any other channel I had the greatest reason to fear it would fall into his hands
By this terrible dilemma were the days of the wife of Lord Leicester embittered in the midst of affluence in a spot which might be called the palace of pleasure — Thus situated I could only counteract treachery and art by the same I appeared after some reflection alarmed at his threats and more willing to forward his views I exacted from him an oath not to betray my secret and on my side solemnly vowed never to mention his but to employ my interest with my sister in his favor —We parted with mutual distrust and an apparent reliance on each others sincerity I performed one part of my promise by conjuring Ellinor to deceive him with false hopes till Lord Leicesters return gave me an opportunity of consulting him on the safest way of disposing the traitor It was with much reluctance she consented but it would have been a cruelty unlike her character to refuse to lighten an evil she was the innocent cause of I had then only to find some means of letting my Lord know it without breaking my word for once in my life I
was guilty of duplicity and like Philoctetes found my equivocation furnished a terrible punishment I wrote a letter declaring the whole to Lord Leicester which I kept in my bosom to give to him whenever he should return in the mean time I wrote as usual and delivered my letters to Williams The profound silence I observed on this subject probably inspired him with confidence and although Ellinor refused to marry him directly the point he aimed at the complaisance with which we both treated him lulled him at last into a perfect security
Worn out with hourly complaints of this wretchs impertinence to my sister and my fears of the event I counted with more than a lovers impatience the days which must elapse before I could see Lord Leicester At length the happy one arrived which brought him and gave me at once joy and sorrow for who could tell me all its consequences —Fostered in a Court where he knew but one superior Lord Leicester had added a personal pride to that which naturally sprung
from the nobility of his birth The partiality of his Sovereign who dispensed through love with his obedience had prevented his learning to disguise his foibles it was the business of every one to seem blind to them by which means he was a favorite without being a hypocrite Those who loved him well enough to allow for this error and a vanity I can scarce term so when I remember the various and numerous advantages he possessed might do any thing with him Impassioned generous goodnatured and noble where once he was attached his fortune honor nay life would be risked for his friend but the few who are worthy that name too often confined his affections Lord Leicester was too exalted perhaps to be loved But I digress Pardon me Madam when you consider the cause This openness of heart gave me just reason to apprehend a guilty mind would read the indignant eye of my love and induced me to suppress for some days the intended disclosure
My precaution succeeded Williams knew the character of his Lord and finding by the freedom and confidence he still testified that I was true began to rely on my word A journey on which he was accidentally sent assisted me highly in leaving time for my Lord to cool I laid the letter on his table one evening before I went to bed Lord Leicester who was in another room came in after me but had not half read it when he frightened me by his rage and indignation Had the man been in the house I know not how the matter would have ended but at length my tears and distress softened him he passed two days after in a thoughtful manner I knew not nor ventured to ask him his resolutions at the end of that time he regained his temper and composure he saw the apprehensions lurking still in my heart and bade me take courage for he had found a way to quiet them for ever I conjured my Lord at least to conceal with caution his consciousness of the affair which he promised
and in a great degree performed but whether it was that knowing he was apprized of it made me fancy his manner would reveal it I cannot say certain it is I never saw him look at or speak to this man afterwards without feeling my heart sink within me
Sir Francis Drake at this time formed all the conversation of England he had fitted out a large fleet against the Spaniards with which he was ready to sail from Plymouth Many noblemen and others engaged as volunteers and an infinite number of people assembled from all parts to view the fleet Lord Leicester who had always been a strong friend to Sir Francis set out to take leave of him and enlarged the train of domestics he usually travelled with for the sake of appearing honorably among numbers who did not know him So ardent was the desire of all ranks of people to partake the sight that not a single male servant willingly staid behind —Williams had so great a relish for these expeditions that he asked my Lord to take him Le Vals
sickness keeping him at Kenilworth Lord Leicester complied A fortnight elapsed before they returned during which poor old Alice expired with her died one of the witnesses of my marriage Father Anthony was still in good health as James who regularly came once a month brought word
Lord Leicester returned and returned without Williams —Struck to the heart I had scarce strength to enquire what was become of him My Lord asked me if I suspected him of having murdered the rogue I have only sent him added he with a gay air a long voyage to teach him to keep a fecret I knew no other way of getting rid of the rascal Sir Francis has undertaken to provide for him too effectually for my dear Matilda to know any further anxiety on his account in short he is shut up in a distant part of the vessel the sailors are taught to consider him as a madman and have neither time to listen to his tales nor sense to understand them —Thus my dear love our fears are entirely over
Rather begun I might have replied for no rhetoric ever after charmed mine to rest —A thousand accidents ruin our tranquillity but it is better to endure their worst consequences than return evil for evil —However necessary the step the assuming a right to punish this man was too culpable in my eyes not to make me uneasy yet since it certainly was to relieve me Lord Leicester executed the scheme and because nothing could now recall it I seemed satisfied Ellinor too persuaded me to be so from thinking the traitor justly punished
Before Lord Leicester returned to Court I gained his consent to a project I had long revolved this was to visit my mother—to have the joy of being held in her arms and to be acknowledged by her blessing —He was too anxious to indulge all my wishes to refuse me in this instance but not being able to further it openly he only gave me a sufficient sum of money to
bribe her keepers and directed Le Val to attend us
This man was as faithful as Williams was the reverse—if at first he respected me but as the wife of his master I afterwards gained an ascendant with him from my own conduct which attached him to me as much as to his Lord and made the most essential services seem trifles in his eyes Eager to oblige and obey he seemed always ready to fly before he knew whither and a word of commendation was a sufficient recompence He was now in the post of Williams who was supposed to have voluntarily embarked with Sir Francis and the secret of his fate was confined to Lord Leicester my sister and myself
Attended by Le Val we set out for Coventry with beating hearts We were to visit not merely a mother but an only parent the sole person in whose arms we could claim a refuge though now alas far more able vainly to offer her one We were to see that Queen whose matchless beauty was her least ornament
to behold her graces withered by eighteen years confinement to share in her afflictions and prove how dearly the children who had never known her could love their mother
But alas Madam we were not permitted to realize these visions —Le Val found her keepers too honest or too fearful to suffer any stranger to converse with her and the only privilege money could purchase was that of seeing the Queen through a grated window take her morning walk in a small garden Overwhelmed with despair at this news we yet embraced the only indulgence we could gain —But what did we not think that faithless woman deserved who thus treated her equal her relation her friend We were conducted to the window where we were permitted to remain without attendants we saw her come down the walk— but oh how changed and yet how lovely Damp rooms had weakened her limbs— her charming arms were thrown round the necks of two maids without whose assistance she could not move—a pale
resignation sat on her still beautiful features her regal mien could not be eclipsed by a habit of pale purple nor her fine hair by the veil which touched her forehead —Her beads and cross were her only ornaments but her unaffected piety and patient sufferance mingled the Saint with the Queen and gave her charms beyond humanity Our emotions were too rapid and strong for description we wept—we incoherently exclaimed —and striking ourselves eagerly against the bars seemed to hope some supernatural strength would break them More afflicted at seeing her thus than not seeing her at all I neither could behold her for my tears or resolve to lose a look by indulging in them —She drew near the spot where we stood when our hands which we had thrust in supplication through the bars caught her attention — She raised her fine eyes with their usual divine composure to the window— I would have spoke but my lips denied all utterance Alas that blessed—that benignant glance was the first the last the
only one we ever received from a mother —When she withdrew her eyes she carried my very soul with her all my strength failed at once and I sunk in a swoon in my sisters arms
Suspicions of this nature made it dangerous for my Lord were we frequently to appear there yet this momentary view had awakened sensations which though less strong than love were equally lasting and which empoisoned my hours in the bosom of happiness Bitter tears upon the cheeks of my Leicester when with fond endearment he would strain me to his bosom alone spoke my thoughts and I sacrificed the less to the greater duty — Ellinor my dear Ellinor was on this theme my only counsellor and we spent days in forming a thousand projects weeping every evening at discovering their impracticability The frequent absences of my Lord left me too much leisure for this melancholy employment
yet the ardor of his passion made him chuse every opportunity however short to be with me and 1 trembled lest these incessant journeys should attract the notice of Elizabeth who had been for some time indisposed and was of course more sensible to any inattention of her favorite But Lord Leicester had not been used to controul and sometimes imputed hints to indifference which arose from the most generous motives for my life was without any enjoyment in his absence but the hope of seeing him again When he was away I wandered wearily through every room and saw only a magnificent solitude but whenever he appeared joy and music animated the whole family every apartment seemed to have found its guest and every servant the happy subject of his duty
To excuse his frequent absences to the Queen my Lord avowed a passion for hunting with which his conduct so little agreed that he shut himself up in Kenilworth Castle and seldom passed beyond his own walls Conscious this must in time be observed
I learnt to ride expertly and often obliged him to accompany us in mere prudence To prevent our being too much fatigued my Lord generally ordered a tent to be pitched with refreshments in the forest and one morning finding myself ill I quitted the chace almost directly and went in search of our resting place guided by a huntsman as ignorant of it as ourselves Among the closest and most intricate paths we encountered a gentleman on horseback attended by many servants to make way for us he ordered his servants to return and dismounting bowed and remained uncovered while we passed—Addressing the man who attended us he eagerly enquired for my Lord—the question I knew not why alarmed me I turned instantly to examine his features and my horse continuing his pace struck my head against an arm of a tree with so much violence that the reins dropt from my hand and the stranger was just quick enough to catch me I fainted one of his train opened a
vein in my arm which instantly revived me and I found myself in the strangers arms who pressed with more than common concern the hand he held Confused and perplexed with this accident I endeavoured in vain to withdraw it and seeing my hair had fallen in its usual curls over my neck looked about for my hat which yet hung on the bough that struck me Regardless of every intreaty I persisted in mounting my horse and returning instantly after I had rendered him every acknowledgment his active politeness merited He replied with such peculiar grace and gallantry as gave me a great desire to know who he was but his pursuing me with his eyes rendered it impossible for some time after which the huntsman informed me he was the nephew of Lord Leicester Sir Philip Sidney His appearance confirmed the agreeable impression made by his character and I only regretted being introduced to him by a vexatious accident which seemed too much to possess his mind Engrossed by these
reflections although I lay down it was impossible to close my eyes when the abrupt entrance of my Lord roused me completely Extreme vexation and disorder marked his air and without the least enquiry into my hurts he threw himself into a chair by me and lamented the malice of his fortune Alarmed beyond measure I started from the bed and kneeling at his feet conjured him to tell me in what new instance he had reason to complain —Matilda said he fixing his eyes on me with a sad intentness the Queen approaches —My heart died within me at the words his supporting arms alone saved me from falling to the ground and his caresses from fainting
I know her well continued he and have every reason to fear we are betrayed The subtilty of approaching without an express convinces me that she suspects at least some charm in Kenilworth I dare not avow I had always purposed in compliance alike with my promise and my
safety to convey you to the Recess in case this event happened but now I fear the appearance it will have alike to my own servants and Sidneys companions who are all of the Queens train and but too much struck with your beauty —One expedient alone remains—tell me my love may your Leicester hope to triumph over your becoming pride your just resentment —Will you condescend to appear before Elizabeth in the same humble light in which you have hitherto appeared and forgetting awhile she has been the persecutor of your family will you consider her only as the patroness of your husband
I will forget every thing cried I in a transport of tenderness which interferes with your safety and satisfaction too happy in having something to sacrifice in proof of my love I will be whatever you wish—as the daughter of Mary my soul rises against Elizabeth but as the wife of Leicester I ought to know no pleasure except his nor have I had till
this alarming moment a merit in submission
What are the ties of marriage said my Lord the tears mingling on our cheeks to these invisible ligaments of the soul I can so little bear to be surpassed in generosity that I can hardly refrain from leading you to the Queen as her hostess and charming the court with the sight of a wife who is my sole pride and everlasting pleasure
Precious inestimable moment of my life when the warmth of my heart was so fully displayed so gloriously answered—Ah Madam Lord Leicester had the rare secret of governing a generous mind
The same considerations prevailed on Ellinor to give the same consent and the short hour previous to the Queens arrival was spent by us in schooling our eyes and hearts lest the spirit of the injured and pride of the noble should betray all—Apprehensive too lest the similitude my features bore to those of my unfortunate mother might strike some idle observer
I departed from her mode of dress and letting my hair curl more over my face and neck enwreathed it fancifully with flowers then mixing with the villagers in habits resembling theirs we waited to usher the Queen into the great hall by strewing that and the inner court with aromatic herbs
The amazing hurry produced by this unexpected visit had not subsided when the cannon proclaimed the approach of Elizabeth A faint sickness came over me my limbs were scarce able to support my weight and my eyes hardly served to guide my steps My nature shuddered at her and the spirit of Norfolk trembled proudly within me Most fortunately confounded with the gay cavalcade I soon had performed my task and retired without once fixing my eyes on her face I struggled much with myself and regained a tolerable share of composure ere her dinner was served at which we were as usual to sing Concealed from the public gaze I had now an opportunity
of examining the Queen She was talking to my Lord who waited behind her chair Though the features of Elizabeth retained nothing of her mothers sweetness they were regular her eyes were remarkably small but so clear and quick they seemed to comprehend every thing with a single glance the defect in her shape taking off all real Majesty she supplied that deficiency by an extreme haughtiness a severe satirical smile marked her countenance and an absurd gaiety her dress I could not but suppose foreigners would imagine that Queen owed much of her reputation to her counsellors who could disgrace her venerable years by a bare neck and a false head of hair made in the most youthful fashion Yet under other circumstances the scene would have been charming The hall enriched and adorned with sine statues tapestry and purple fringed with gold the high arched Gothick windows which being thrown open gave a beautiful view of the lake covered with newly ornamented boats struck the Queen with admiration while
the immense crowd of royal attendants and above all the profound respect of many of the nobles were sights no less new to me I turned my eyes round to discover if among them I could find any to compare with Lord Leicester Where ah where could they select his equal supprest anxiety gave a redoubled glow to his cheek and his expressive eyes pierced through the veil which hid us from all others Dinner removed the music began The usual pieces played a silence ensued only interrupted by my voice and the lute of my sister Amazement seemed to transfix every beholder and all eyes pursued the bent of Lord Leicesters— The Queen dropt a peach she was paring and speaking with warmth to Sidney he replied with an air so enlivened as shewed his heart was in the subject Scarce had I reached the conclusion of the air when the curtain was drawn aside by the officious Sidney and we stood exposed to the view of the whole court Overwhelmed with a thousand sensations I dropt the book I sung from and Ellinor
bent over her lute with a beautiful modesty The various exclamations of the noblemen might have flattered our vanity had we not been continually told any thing can make to courtiers the wonder of an hour That fatal moment was sure the critical one of my life it awakened dangerous suspicions in the soul of Elizabeth endless anxiety in the man in whom my life was bound up and a passion in the heart of another the cold hand of death alone could extinguish I mean the amiable Sidney charmed at finding in the person who charmed the whole court those features indelibly impressed on his memory he delivered himself entirely up to his predilection with a generous warmth
The moment I could recollect myself I considered the Queen attentively she sat in the pensive position into which our appearance had thrown her sometimes surveying us with deep observation then with a keener glance Lord Leicester I labored to support the painful examination with composure but the care defeated
itself and involuntary blushes covered my face as often as I became the object of her attention The indifference the Queen expressed towards the music obliged every one else to be silent on the subject and we soon obtained permission to retire Sydney who was the messenger overwhelmed us with apologies for the share he had in our confusion although by the command of his sovereign I had perpetual reason for resenting his officiousness but Sidney was not born to be hated To exalted generosity and the most manly courage he joined elegance refinement and a temper superior to events Yes gallant Sidney this noble justice Matilda owes thy virtues —of all her misfortunes that of becoming thine touched her most deeply —Our apparent state of dependence never once induced Sir Philip to forfeit that respect a man of merit owes to himself—it only united to the politeness universally due to the sex an affecting deference which dignified its object A husband less adored than Lord Leicester might with reason
have dreaded such a rival—Midnight alone gave us the freedom of comparing opinions and I saw with unspeakable regret the peace of my Lord destroyed during this visit A depression he could hardly account for filled up the intervals we passed together and instead of employing them in forming any reasonable plan nothing remained of all our mutual tenderness but silence sighs and tears
Elizabeth in defiance of time and understanding indulged a romantic taste inconsistent with either and not satisfied with real preeminence affected to be deified by the flattery of verse The Lady of the Lake was the title she chose to be known by here and nothing art could invent or wealth procure was wanting to render the various pageants complete A boat scooped like a shell and enclosing a throne conveyed her to the aight where I and many more habited like Nereïds waited to receive her and ushering her to a grotto inlaid with shells and lookingglass we presented her
in baskets made of seaweed pearl coral amber and every jewel of the water while the place resounded with panegyrics so labored and misapplied that it was with difficulty we forebore smiling at the gravity with which she listened to them
I found with surprize Lord Leicester feared the eyes of every indifferent spectator would penetrate through a mystery Elizabeth only had an interest in developing It is the common weakness of humanity to bend the attention solely to minute objects while the leading ones come upon us totally unawares —I on the contrary fancied myself every moment surveyed with a harsh air by an inflexible imperial rival —Every lady of the court under the pretext of seeking our intimacy continually sounded Ellinor and myself on our real condition and the timid incoherent manner in which we answered gave me the most mortal fears of their enployer —Abject slaves to the Queens amusement she kept us continually
in her sight and without deigning to open her own lips seemed to tempt us to complain by eternal whims —In those moments love shame and apprehension spoke a language intelligible in all countries in the features of Lord Leicester and Elizabeth having doubtless assured herself by these artifices that there must be something to reveal left her train at one end of the gallery and retiring to the other with my Lord interrogated him as I instantly conjectured —The fate of my mother now arose more strongly to my mind Ah why thought I did I leave the happy solitude in which she placed me only to ruin the object of my affections and deliver myself up to an inexorable tyrant who can now wreak her malice without even being suspected Insensible to the gay crowd who addressed me I observed my Lord reply to her eager questions with hesitation and anxiety as he talked he fixed his eyes on me with the uneasy air of a person who wishes to convey through them what he is hopeless
of making you comprehend any other way I resolved to prevent an error on my part by a timely retreat when suddenly speaking aloud Lord Leicester advanced towardsus —Mark well all I say said he in a whisper leading me and my sister to the seat of the Queen —I shall more surprise these children said he with the knowledge of their origin than your Majesty—it is needless to give them the reasons I have laid before you for this secrecy it must be sufficient honor and pleasure for them to find themselves daughters of the house of Dudley and objects of their Sovereigns gracious patronage Seeing him bend his knee ours stubborn and reluctant as they were gave way and we kissed the fatal hand she majestically tendered She informed us she added us to her train of maids of honor and should carry us with her on the morrow towards London—Lord Leicester charmed with having eluded all her suspicions dreamt not of the snare he had wound round his own heart in yielding us up to Elizabeth whose consummate art
induced her to give credit to a most improbable fiction on purpose to place us beyond his reach which she could no other way have effected
The hour of rest enabled him to open all his heart —I understood that Elizabeth had addressed him in so decisive a manner on the conviction of our being born above our present rank that he could not hope to save us from the most menial degradations but by a false confidence Heaven inspired him with the idea of a possibility that his brother the Lord Guildford might have married Lady Jane Grey a twelvemonth ere the two politic Dukes of Suffolk and Northumberland thought it prudent to appear leagued during which he declared the unfortunate Lady Jane gave birth to us both the same policy induced them to conceal this event till the Suffolk family should be established on the throne and that hope being for ever defeated prudence still buried us in oblivion —finally that the secret rested now only in his own bosom from Whence his attachment to Elizabeth would
never suffer it to transpire and that if the Queen still wished to patronise us he thought it would be prudent to let us imagine ourselves his own illegitimate daughters—To all this Elizabeth replied little but suffering him to settle it his own way persisted only in taking us from him
Her mode of conduct convinced me at once that she utterly discredited the whole of this fiction which allied us by another branch almost as near to the throne as we really stood Would not a jealous selfish soul like hers have demanded dates facts testimonials and witnesses Would she not have made us undergo the fate of Lady Catherine the legal heir of the house of Suffolk whom by a barbarous unfeminine use of power she tore from the most near and sacred of human tyes and condemned even in the bloom of youth to a solitary life of imprisonment only for having dared to become a wife and mother—Would not in a word all the fury of her temper have
blazed forth but that she meditated a more safe and silent ruin
Unwilling to add to the anguish of this moment by one surmise I threw myself into his arms and silent speechless strained him to my heart—supplicating mentally that God who alone could protect us No language could have affected Lord Leicester like this conduct—He accused himself of having meanly considered his own safety and we were obliged repeatedly to assure him we thought he had acted with the most consummate judgment ere we could reconcile him to himself Surely Matilda thinks me a sufficient sufferer cried he in losing the charm of her society—Can I have forgotten that I dare no longer indulge even my eyes with her beauty—Can I have forgotten that all other men may freely adore her and that her happiness is not more in the power of Elizabeth than mine is in hers—Did I not know the Queen would willingly punish her whole race with the celibacy she imposes on herself I should doubt her protecting
the pretensions of Sydney but she dreads too much multiplying claims to the crown and I alone shall be persecuted with his passion—Pity my situation added he and with a uniform coldness dash his presumptuous hopes — How do I lament the fate which involves the fair Ellinor in calamities the same motives cannot reconcile her to but since her choice and affections led her into the world I rely upon her generous soul to support its evils with prudence and patience—This will be our last conversation for some time—one only caution let me recommend to you both—make no confidants cultivate the friendship of Lady Pembroke and never forget that you constantly act under the eye of a haughty jealous and revengeful Sovereign
Needless admonition Could a daughter of the Stuart line cease to dread and hate Elizabeth—Could a wife too who saw the life of the man she loved depended on her prudence for one moment dare to shew she did so
Condemned to mingle with the world I entered it with presages so melancholy as shewed my future fortune—Without daring to testify my grief even by a look I departed from that hospitable mansion in which I had vainly promised myself long years of unspeakable happiness—I departed without my Lord and in so doing experienced every misery of love and dependence—Ah how weak are those wretches who look up to us with wonder cried I mentally as we passed through every town did ye know the breaking heart this splendid garb covers—did ye feel the galling chain which writhes round it and deepens my cheek with destructive beauty how would you bless the gracious God who gives you peace and ignorance
Received acknowledged and admired we soon became familiar appendages to Elizabeth nor had we any hopes of seeing our bondage end but with her life It was not the least of my evils that I involved my Ellinor in this calamity which love of me could alone render supportable
By a caprice for which there is no accounting Elizabeth whose eyes were ever watchful and heart suspicious bent both for ever on Ellinor who endured from her with silent indignation a thousand passionate extravagancies Contrary to Lord Leicesters idea I plainly perceived she encouraged every pretender to either obviously to develope the mystery she easily discerned through his false confidence—Tortured with the passion of Sir Philip I found all my rigor could not extinguish hopes the Queen patronized while Lord Leicesters confidence seemed to contract in proportion as it became difficult for me to partake it
The fair Pembroke attached herself particularly to Ellinor and Rose Cecil Lord Burleighs second daughter professed an unbounded friendship for me I had so great a deference to the command of my Lord as to withhold mine till time convinced me too feelingly she was incapable of abusing it She was almost a stranger at Court as well as ourselves
and brought up under a mother who abhorred it the death of that mother leaving her to the care of an ambitious father he flattered himself her beauty would win her a husband of merit ere she had gained courage to assert her own choice He was not mistaken in the first opinion the tender bloom both of her mind and person attached to her a thousand hearts but though in all other instances compliance itself in the article of marriage she refused to obey even the Queen who consequently hated her This sad conformity of situation both were at liberty alike to lament and with the candor incident to youth I found it difficult to limit my lamentations Our situations and tempers made us alike cultivate an attachment with Lady Arundell Sir Philips eldest sister who had long since retired to a seat of his on the banks of the Thames upon the imprisonment of her Lord With less shining qualifications than her more fair and fortunate sister Lady Arundel possessed a Roman strength of soul Beloved from childhood by
Elizabeth she might have remained a favorite even while her husband was a victim but she inexorably insisted on sharing his prison and when it soon after became his grave retired in an honorable poverty and owed her little income to her brothers bounty—Thus in innocence and hallowed widowhood passed the days of this amiable woman who now enjoyed that first and last of human pleasures the seeing herself surrounded with friends although she had only merit to attach them
The resentment of Philip the second of Spain broke forth at this period and employed every ones thoughts more especially the Queens with whom love was ever so subordinate a consideration that I flattered myself Lord Leicester would chuse this opportunity to plan our future meetings and a little relieve me from the insupportable tortures of perpetual hypocrisy When now to complete my evils he for whom I renounced every distinction due to my sex and birth he in whom my soul was treasured regarded
me with coldness and disdain I examined my own heart It did not make me a single reproach but the knowing I was wronged could not restore my peace I began to dread that satisfied love had given place to ambition that considering me as the only bar between himself and Elizabeth who became more and more gracious to him he vainly regretted he had made me so —My hatred to the Queen redoubled although she treated me much better than my sister as she always conceived Ellinor his favorite because the vehicle of his sentiments to me yet though his displeasure was strongly marked it did not spring from indifference for at the same time he carefully avoided my conversation he incessantly watched my actions and was always in my view without ever being in my reach —It was impossible not to discern he must be jealous but alas suspicion soon makes the causes it seeks My blushes and the disorder of my air when any supposed lover addressed me confirmed his fatal prejudice
and the impossibility of finding an opportunity to acquit myself almost distracted me Fortune shortly after added the only aggravation my fate admitted
The fair Rose Cecil whose attachment I have mentioned had insensibly engaged my affections by the warmth of her own The pleasure I took in discoursing about my Lord made me overlook for a time that she was equally unwearied of the topic but the eager manner in which she revived it while increasing sorrow buried his name in my heart at last opened my eyes I observed her more closely I saw the strong affection which impelled her to be near to him while her heightened colour and universal agitation whenever he addressed her made the secret inclination of her heart but too obvious There are wives who would have seized this occasion to retort but she was so innocent I could not distrust her and was above appearing to do so Some imaginary slight overcame a mind so delicate and one evening she indulged in her tears and unbosomed her whole heart In
vain she said did years and circumstances divide her from Lord Leicester since she took more pleasure in silently admiring him than in being admired by the whole world—Ah madam cried she how barbarous are hereditary hatreds Exert yourself for me dearest Matilda divest my Lords mind of so narrow a prejudice assured that this obligation will double an attachment equally produced by your own merit and the family you spring from
What a proposal was this to a wife—to a wife did I say alas to a lover—a wild and extravagant lover—She embraced me and hid her tears and agitations on my bosom—a bosom which struggled with agonies yet more trying Affected alike with her innocence and her fate I returned her caresses and wept like a mother over her child —She left me sufficient leisure to consider my answer I told her in pitying I shewed her all the kindness in my power since the little influence I had with my Lord was obvious
enough I hinted that hers must ever be a hopeless attachment as the visible distinction of the Queen made it very improbable Lord Leicester should marry any other woman not to mention the vast disparity between her years and his
She replied that she had considered this over so often that she had reconciled herself to every article—The Queen thought more of war than marriage and surely if Lord Leicester could be brought to do justice to her heart her youth would never be considered as a fault
In short I easily understood that what she wished she was resolved to hope I dropped the subject but it was with infinite chagrin I beheld this lovely girl encourage a passion so many causes concurred to render hopeless In fact it did not long escape the Queens notice and the unfortunate Rose saw every body appear to be acquainted with her weakness but its object who shewed a coldness towards her almost amounting to dislike to me she always flew for consolation and I
frequently administered that I could not find
On so important an event as the expected invasion the English were all prepared to take arms Lord Leicester as their leader was already encamped and I parted with him in common with the other Courtiers without the privilege of uttering a syllable that might give peace to his heart or my own The misery of my situation became intolerable when fear of my Lords safety was added to every other fear and I resolved on an explanation whatever the consequence The natural ascendancy love and superior years gave him over me when present vanished with him I intreated him to suffer me by knowing to repair an involuntary fault and before it was too late recover an affection I could not long survive I conjured him to remember he was my all in this life and that if he continued to withhold his confidence I could only conclude he repented the having ever bestowed it and should finally
give up all care of a being which was no longer dear to me when it ceased to be so to him
The equivocal turn of these expressions I thought would secure this letter even if intercepted from producing any evil consequence and while dubious how to convey it Sir Philip Sidney demanded permission to take leave of me—not all the pangs I suffered through his love could rob him of my regard—the disguising it was all in my power To his care I committed this letter assured he might be trusted even with the truth and transported with the least mark of my confidence he promised all that lovers usually promise
No sooner was he gone than I remembered the illchosen messenger might render Lord Leicester insensible to the contents of a letter blistered with my tears—Alas when once we enter the labyrinth of possibilities to which jealousy is the fatal centinel hardly ever can we extricate ourselves The gentle consolations of Ellinor
were all my fate had left me but for her sickness must have been the consequence of sorrow but during the hours of retirement for one apartment held us she omitted nothing to sooth or strengthen my mind—incomparable sister what a soul was thine Oh why were tears my only tribute to thy boundless generosity
At length Lord Brook arrived express from the camp and took the first opportunity to deliver me a letter from my Lord He said I had found means to convert the accuser into the criminal and conjured me to pardon a mean jealousy which punished itself My too ready obedience to the Queens command he added and the obvious pleasure I had found in his nephews conversation had poisoned every moment of his life since I came to Court Sydney talents his equal years his generous disposition all conspired to make him a formidable rival I am not meanly jealous of your person continued he—no Matilda it is your heart of which I am a
miser nor do I wish you mine whatever your loss may cost me longer than you wish yourself so Under the cruel circumstances imposed on us less might excusably alarm a heart which has so severely suffered for its candor yet too just in my nature to consider that as your fault which must have proved our mutual misfortune I resolved to bury in my bosom its killing suggestions and cease to persecute you with a passion which you dared not repel however reluctant your heart But that which would have made a common mind jealous has eradicated the weakness from mine for nothing but spotless innocence could have made you chuse out my imaginary rival as the vehicle of your sentiments Truth and conviction flash upon my bewildered senses and love breathes through every invaluable line of your dear letter—How how shall I ever recompence you for my injustice—I can no longer live without humbling myself at your feet and receiving a pardon I fear I shall never deserve I have at length resolved to confide
our secret to Lady Arundell—sorrow and experience have surely taught her discretion Her house is the only retired one I know of to which you can come with safety Appear indisposed and the Queen will not suspect more in the request of passing some time with my niece than the obvious one of being unable to support the hurry and fatigue of the times I will prepare Lady Arundell for your reception and snatch the first moment consistent with my duty to fly and enliven your solitude The embrace that confirmed you mine was less dear to me than that which will seal your forgiveness—Oh my love ended he who could endure the tortures of doubt were not the moment of reconciliation so exquisite a transport
Ah true indeed for all the pleafures of my life faded before that moment I seemed to tread in air and had hardly command enough of myself to affect languor and sickness Elizabeth who always found herself fatigued with indisposition because not subject to it herself
readily consented to my spending a month with Lady Arundell who received me with infinite pleasure I found she had been only apprised of my marriage and that my Lord still withheld the secret of my birth She allotted me a magnificent apartment which concluded with a saloon opening to the Thames This noble room was embellished with valuable paintings some of which were not yet finished and a painter of eminence frequently attended to complete them This man was employed by her to take a picture of me which might fill up the interval of my Lords absence as well as agreeably surprise him I was one day dressed gaily for this purpose and waiting in the saloon I perceived the man enter but how was I surprised to see him a moment after at my feet I turned indignantly towards him Ah heavens it was my Lord my Leicester himself who safe in that disguise which he and Lady Arundell had agreed on was to forbid the painter whenever he could visit us with safety We learnt from him news of the utmost importance
that Heaven itself had fought for Elizabeth and defeated an armada her power could ill have coped with This intelligence by securing Lord Leicester joyed even my heart and the pride of forgiving being added to the pleasure of loving life could bestow no more on me
I had now learnt to be beforehand with suspicion and as Sir Philip charmed with the opportunity of seeing me out of the chilling circle of a Court was almost a daily visitor I resolved to end his hopes even at the risque of an implied confidence I could hardly sometimes forbear weeping to see him thus pursuing a shadow and wasting a glorious youth—Oh Sidney you was worthy of a better fate and could I accuse myself of embittering yours I should be a wretch indeed—but no I honored revered admired you nay had I not already exchanged my heart it must have been yours—you whom so many women have loved and none no none were ever known to hate
Having formed my resolution I permitted him one day to lead me to the terrace Overjoyed with the distinction he entertained me with a thousand pleasant sallies—Ah is there a more pungent sensation in nature than the necessity fortune sometimes imposes on generous minds to afflict each other I opened my lips—the truth hovered on them—but it was not till he himself tenderly pressed me to add language to my expressive looks and confide to him the sentiments I had endeavoured to suppress that I could speak Alas Sir Philip cried I why am I reduced to tell you your merit and your attachment are by a combination of eventsmy only misfortunes
What do you utter Madam cried he —is this possible—
A painful truth returned I which the highest esteem for you could alone extort —I am sensible of the influence of Elizabeth but believe me I am among those who cannot obey her
Obey her returned he does the fair Matilda know so little of me as to imagine
I would owe her hand to regal authority—No Madam Sidney would not on such terms he may proudly say deign to accept even yourself While my passion was only my own misfortune I thought myself at liberty to indulge it but the moment it becomes yours pride honor sensibility all ordain eternal silence—Yet surely added he in an affecting tone a heart like mine might hope to know the fatality which thus wounds it
By the love you have professed for me cried I seizing his hand in turn withenergy by the honor which actuates you towards every human being I conjure you press no farther into a secret I have no right to reveal—if I had—
If you had—ah lovely generous candid Matilda—no I will not invade any mystery you think it necessary to conceal Since my hard fate deprives my youth of its sole charm and hope—yet surely time—ah may I hope nothing from time—age would steal upon me
unobserved were you but to allow me expectation
Why why cried I weeping am I compelled to a half confidence in a heart so noble—but be assured Sir Philip time can never unite us by any other bonds than those of esteem and surely every day must strengthen those
I think I understand you replied he fixing his eyes on mine with a melancholy firmness—and shall I expose you to the ungoverned passions of the Queen— no since I am never—since esteem is to be the only bond between us—he paused and kneeling kissed both hands as if taking an everlasting leave—when next you see me—though I wring every fibre of this heart—when next you see me I will feel intitled to all your esteem
Rising he quitted me and walked towards his barge with sad and irresolute steps frequently looking back as if he was ready to return and recant his declaration but the barge swiftly conveying him toward London I gave free vent to
the tears I had with infinite difficulty suppressed
The following evening Lord Leicester had promised to pass with us he arrived with an air of satisfaction it was impossible I could avoid sharing even while ignorant of its cause Who would rely on the constancy of a lover said he with a happy smile since even my Matildas charms could not retain my nephews attachment He has sollicited the Queens consent to marry Miss Walsingham you know her love for him but his sudden return of it amazes all acquainted with both Elizabeth calls him a whimsical fool but does not care to offend Sir Francis by refusing her consent however displeased at his thus matching himself—the marriage will be celebrated in a few days and my Matilda is invited to her rivals triumph
Ah no I should have returned had his jealousy not taught me caution thy Matilda has a triumph of her own to enjoy Alas I now understood Sidneys parting words and my heart floated in
tears tinctured so strongly with every settiment but love that I could hardly distinguish whether that had not a share in the sublimity of the moment
My Lord pressed me to return to Court previous to the ceremony he even gave o it I meant to do so and this I only understood by a line which accompanied the formal invitations sent to me and Lady Arundel Ah Madam added Sir Philip in the postcript is it true that you return ere my sacrifice is compleated
No I will not return sighed I a husbands claims extend no farther and humanity resumes its rights
The dread that malicious observers might once more pry into Lord Leicesters moments of retirement at last conquered the reluctance I felt at returning to Court I saw in defiance of danger selfindulgence continually increased upon him At first a few hours of the evening were all he devoted to me and Lady
Arundel shortly after he came later and passed the night he then pleaded fear of disgracing one or the other and lost whole days—Ah couldst thou wonder thy former marriage was discoverd said I often to myself after exhausting all my rhetoric in vain to drive him from me—Oh Leicester what was the wrath of Elizabeth then to that she would feel could she explore the whole of this secret I entreated Ellinor to write me word my absence was much remaeked and at last returned once more a voluntary victim
A sad and silent admiration was the only expression of my features at sight of Sir Philip he sighed at the compliment indispensable due which his bride received with a cold contempt To a countenance naturally harsh and inquisitive however beautiful Miss Walsingham had always united a temper proud passionate and peevish Her strong attachment to Sir Philip had in all instances where he was concerned subdued for a time or veiled those failings He could not be
ignorant of a passion he had so often been rallied upon and the moment he found it was not possible for him to make his own choice he generously resolved to indulge hers His motives could not be doubted as all the Court knew she had no fortune and every body saw it was in her power to become the happiest of women —But alas it was not in her nature—far from seeking to win upon his heart by a silent indulgence of all his little foibles she wearied him with importunate fondness and whenever business or weariness drove him from home employed the interval in fomenting violent passions with which she seldom failed to overwhelm him on his return Incapable of bending so noble a mind to the little triumph of conquering a low one and as incapable of regulating his life bythe narrow rules she would have laid down for him he saw no alternative but the pursuit of glory and sollicited to be sent to his government of Flushing
Oh pardon me beloved Leicester the bitter tears I so often shed for the gallant Sidney —Ah why had he not chosen my sister She was free she had a hand a heart a person worthy his she would have crowned his days with happiness and his grave with honor Alas in the weak pride of humanity we seek to new model the distinctions of nature and insolently oppose our limited faculties to omniscience
New disturbances in the Netherlands now obliged Lord Leicester as commander in chief to accompany his nephew I saw them both depart with a reluctance so extreme as foreboded some calamity The generous Sidney understood my silence my conflicts my wishes Rely on my cares—rely on my honor said he at parting and be assured my breast must be cold as the earth which then will cover it ere that feels one wound which lodges the fair Matildas heart— Oh let me worship the wife ordination of Providence If amidst all the evils
fate and imprudence have overwhelmed me with I still weakly feel a regret at pronouncing a last adieu what must I have endured had I been the chosen but why by such remembrance disturb her I love—Yet dear is the sensibility adored Matilda—Oh let the tears which now enrich your cheeks be wholly Sydneys
And they were wholly Sidneys A sad presentiment heightened the anguish of his parting by telling me we never more should meet It remains not for my weak pen to paint the heroic death of Sir Philip Sidney It has employed the noblest Even envy and malice dropt involuntary tears while friendship was exhausted in vain lamentations As to me I set no bounds to me sorrow and every reason which once confined my esteem for him to my own bosom dying with him I mourned as for a darling brother and thus perpetuated the secret hatred of his window who weak woman envied me even the melancholy privilege of bewailing him
Anxiety for the fate of Lord Leicester which this event must necessarily excite too soon gave way to a still nearer care In vain I imputed my continual indispositions to grief time confirmed an apprehension which had frequently alarmed me immediately after my Lords departure I found but too plainly that imprudent love had produce a new misfortune and that I bore about a living testimony of my marriage from which the worst consequences might arise
Ah unhappy babe thy mothers anguish foreran thy birth Deprived by a sad combination of circumstances of a welcome from thy mother throbs of terror were thy first symptoms of existence This accumulation of misfortune seemed to benumb me reason I knew not what to resolve on I saw myself almost in my royal mothers melancholy predicament when I was born Alas perhaps I may tomorrow be entirely so I would cry to myself let me fly then while yet my prison gates are open —The eye of
Elizabeth became yet more dreadful to me I fancied every moment it dived into my heart and death for ever seemed to surround me in forms yet dearer to me than my own
My sisters better sense easily discerned how dangerous and how vain a project flight must prove You she would say whose timid heart shrinks even from those it loves who have hitherto trod the most safe and confined circle who hardly know what loneliness means how in this situation can you encounter the perils of the road the insolence of strangers the dangers of the sea and the terrors of a camp Even admitting all these happily past in following Lord Leicester you only change the object of Elizabeths resentment from which distance may not shield either you or your Lord—Oh by how many ways may she revenge herself —Leicester it is true loves you but in you at present are centered future distinction pomp and a variety of pleasures never yet indifferent to him— these
will be the least of his losses and believe me if the secret transpires that it is his own way will one day prove your dearest consolation —and surely my dear Matilda will not entirely forget a sister whose only joy or sorrow she yet has been
The last tender consideration entirely subdued a spark of displeasure excited by the former I submitted my wavering resolutions to her direction and wrote an anonymous letter descriptive of my situation which with innumerable charges Lady Arundel delivered to Lord Brook the distinguished friend of Sir Philip Sidney to convey into Lord Leicesters own hands That amiable woman became the confident of my present fear and with unwearied kindness conjured me to rely upon her conduct—in her house she assured me of an asylum and in herself of another mother for the unfortunate infant I felt all the indulgence of Heaven in providing me such an unexpected resource and almost wished I had not made my
Lord a partaker in cares he was so little able to relieve By her advice I summoned courage to appear again in the Court We seldom said the prudent Lady Arundel criticise those we see every day novelty alone attracts curiosity and if you are absent any time some eye of the many your return will attract may pierce through every veil into the cause I will carefully watch and when necessary warn you to retreat
I found on my return the fair Rose Cecil had quitted London by the command of her father who was highly incensed alike at her refusal of a very advantageous match and the passion which caused it The loss of her society which at another time I should have lamented became an advantage in the present delicate conjuncture I no longer durst wish for companions I could not keep at a distance and I hoped ere we met again I should be more at liberty to cultivate the attachment she professed to me while time would have
conquered that unfortunate one which alone could interfere with it
I counted the moments ere a letter could arrive from my Lord—in vain Ellinor assured me the time was insufficient had Lord Brooks journey met with no delay We were talking this over one morning when a loud knocking at the door much earlier than usual startled us both how was I amazed a moment after to see my Lord rush in booted and with that disordered dress and air which shewed him just arrived Pale and speechless I threw myself into his arms and made no other return to his embraces than by sighs and tears while Ellinor struck with the singularity of his conduct repeatedly demanded how he came there—To see to save my love cried he fixing his eyes on mine with unutterable fondness will not my Matilda bless me with another self and could I be such a savage to leave her to face the pain the grief the danger alone Dry your tears my most beloved am not I with you I whom
you have made the happiest of mankind I who was born but to worship you—Imprudent cried I striking my own bosom—alas my love how is it I see you here It seemed as if reason like light pierced at once through the chaos of his mind Absorbed in the single consideration of my situation he had posted to England without resting a moment on the receipt of my letter nor could find a cause might satisfy even indifferent observers much more the jealous soul of Elizabeth—Ah heavens we are now indeed ruined cried I wringing my hands the implacable enemy of my peace will become so of yours and every malicious eye will now be fixed on her who sinks under the most casual observation —Oh that the silent mansion in which I so long vegetated had been my grave since I quitted it but to become a misfortune to the man I love—Why will my Matilda returned Lord Leicester with a noble mildness monopolize love and generosity Perhaps I have yet sufficient influence over Elizabeth to persuade
her fears for her welfare alone brought me home but even if not shall I refuse to bear a single mortification for her sake who has borne so many for mine—The worst she can discover is our marriage your birth is beyond the power of malice Summon all your fortitude my love and let us concert every measure necessary to our mutual safety for I will take every care of myself you would wish me Never more I solemnly swear will your husband leave you Dreams of fortune and favor fade away before the realities of life let us with our darling sister seek a shelter in France I want not the means of affluence independent of the Queen Let us then avow our union and thus convert my dear Matildas tenderness always her first charm alike into her virtue and her happiness There safe from the vengeance of Elizabeth we may without fear or dishaonor quietly await her dissolution Imagine my love the exquisite transport of encircling the Throne of your mother with lovely
pledges of our union so while empire fills every power of her imagination nature may throb through every pulse to her heart
The fond fond vision floated alike through my brain Lord Leicester indifferent to the opinion of the Queen resolved to wait on her without entering into the reasons of his return which was already known through the Court Elizabeth had for some time kept her chamber nevertheless she permitted him an audience ere she left her bed I knew her capricious temper and while meditating what line she meant to pursue several of her ladies then in waiting came out of her chamber the last of whom told me it was her pleasure I alone should witness her conversation with Lord Leicester Conscience shivered my whole frame and I entered the apartment as a condemned wretch would that where the rack was preparing Lord Leicester equally surprized pointed out by an expressive glance a place where the closed curtain would prevent her remarking
the changes of my countenance and thither more dead than alive I took my station Leicester said she in a languishing voice thy unexpected return upon the news of my indisposition is a fresh mark of thy watchful duty and unwearied passion I have long resisted that tender inclination which distinguished thee in earliest youth but now when I have no potent enemy to fear I may crown thy passion and indulge my own without endangering myself or the state —A new plot I have discovered to release Mary renders it absolutely necessary I should by marrying cut off her hopes and those of her party I shall now in turn surprise them Long have I weighed the business in my mind and frequently determined to recall thee but thy return by evincing the strength of thy tenderness demands an immediate recompence —Take then at last the solongwithheld hand of Elizabeth who thus resigns all authority over thee except that thy heart gives her She paused extending a
withered hand Lord Leicester confused beyond all expression and expecting me to drop senseless every moment hesitated a few broken sentences of faint gratitude and kissed the fatal hand she no longer drew from him fixing a moment after his eyes on me and oh how comprehensive was the look —I perceive by thy trembling my Lord continued she how much I have surprized thee Recover thyself —My election of thee is expected by every one and shall be immediate to mortify Mary I find myself well enough to quit my chamber it is my intention thou shouldest lead me hence this evening and by taking a regal seat under the same canopy prepare the kingdom for the declaration I purpose making tomorrow The ceremony of espousal will demand time and splendor but never more shalt thou quit her who finds after trying every effort it is impossible to live without thee
There are instances in nature of timid beings whom darkness merely would deprive
of their senses who yet on desperate emergencies encounter the jarring elements without shrinking —I who had till that moment been composed of tears and trembling now found I must no longer hang a helpless weight on the heart of my husband and blessing the caprice which made her select me as the only witness of her dotage I leant against the tapestry and endeavoured by a selfcollected air to arm him for the occasion I had the misery to see his fortitude diminish in proportion as mine increased and that after struggling with his feelings till almost convulsed he was obliged to quit the presence of the Queen precipitately and scarcely could his failing limbs convey him thence The ladies before dismissed now entering the Queen called the Lady Latimer to her bedside and I followed the footsteps of my Lord —Heavens and earth cried I on looking round in vain for him what is now to become of me Even Ellinor my only comfort fate had cruelly robbed me of nor was she to be found throughout the whole palace
Ere the tumults of my mind could subside into recollection I was informed Lady Arundels barge waited to convey me to Chelsea where she was greatly indisposed Easily imagining this was a feint of Lord Leicesters to unfold his sentiments to me in safety I hastened into it and was conveyed to the fatal saloon on the banks of the Thames once consecrated to love and pleasure only I found Lord Leicester alone with his niece measuring the apartment with unequal steps and a distracted air he took my hand and softening with pity for my situation led me to a seat and threw himself by me His tears bedewed the hand he kissed —Support yourself still my soul said he the crisis is come unawares and fate is beforehand with our intentions Elizabeth indeed has surprized me but as her passion however weak and absurd is generous it now stabs me to the heart — To suffer her to publish it to the world to stamp with ridicule my Sovereign my benefactress would no doubt awaken her
most mortal hatred and rob me of my own esteem —Matilda my love can you support the truth and all the truth —Did I not tell you that one day or another your anxious wish of seeing your mother free might interfere with your own happiness It has indeed for even at the moment the Queen in tender confidence imparted to me a plot to release Mary she meant to obviate by her own marriage my secret soul upbraided me as an abettor if not a principal in that plot —Happy in the idea of surprising you with its event and far from expecting so extraordinary a one on the part of the Queen I find by papers Lord Burleigh gave me ere I entered her apartment that the enthusiastic assistants of Mary premeditated the martyrdom of Elizabeth and have reason to imagine she by this time knows the man whom she was willing to level with herself has been capable of so infamous a concealment Nay how do I know how far I may be included in the barbarity She may be led to believe the hand to which she gave her own an hour ago
was armed with a dagger and ready every moment to use it —My life is at stake and oh what is infinitely dearer every virtue which once I hoped would long survive me cancelled by ingratitude — The agitations of his mind almost deprived him of his senses —I threw myself at his feet —Oh if ever the unfortunate Matilda was dear to you cried I now shew it—now struggle to endure for her—has she ever feared to do so for you It is in vain to hope any thing from Elizabeth as circumstances appear she must condemn you—Already I see you in the Tower—I see those gates open to receive you that have entombed so many alike noble and innocent If you would have the babe its mothers anguish almost urges into a premature existence—oh if you would have it see the light of Heaven plunge her no farther in despair—Fly now now this very moment while we have yet the power While you live your innocence may yet be vindicated and while you live I may perhaps be able to do so
Lord Leicester shaking his head gave a deep sigh—a sigh more soulpiercing than the most violent agitation—You know not what you say my love returned he—even now in all probability my house is surrounded and expresses dispatched to close every port in the kingdom should I attempt to leave it and hardly is there a rustic in England to whom my features are unknown One expedient alone remains and greatly would that soften the stroke You are neither exposed to my danger nor like me the marked of every eye—flight is still in your power and in you I shall still think myself safe—put yourself under the protection—Never cried I starting up with vehemence I am your wife that holy title I will maintain before men and angels and nothing—nothing I in turn solemnly swear shall part us I will with watchful duty share the prison to which I shall always remember I have condemned you and oh if your fate is accelerated by my means be assured I alike will share your grave —One
hope of safety is yet yours cried Lady Arundel How could it escape you that the Recess may still supply a sad and dear asylum till we can judge of circumstances —The thought had indeed occurred to me but I dared not name the memorial of the present misfortune I examined his eyes in silence My gentle love my sweet Matilda can I resolve to grieve thee sighed he speak would you wish me to conduct you thither My tears only allowed me to pronounce yes Yet how resumed he is it possible —How can you support the inevitable fatigues of the journey with the addition of its fears in your present situation I can support any thing every thing sobbed I inarticulately but the idea of your danger Yes my love added he kissing away my tears I will if possible live to reward your unexampled tenderness Lady Arundel think for us suggest the mode of our departure It should be sudden cried our generous friend and how can either be sufficiently disguised or how
shall we find proper attendants We will have none with us returned Lord Leicester I rely on your care to summon Le Val from Kenilworth Castle he is master of the secret of the Recess whither he can follow us and convey with care at different times the treasure hoarded in the Castle while with the venerable fosterfather of my love we wait your farther informations —Ah how happy was it added I your fondness obliged me to ride now can I follow you fearless of any thing but Elizabeth Supply me dear Lady Arundell with the homely garb of a servant my Lord must have recourse to the disguise of a painter invented and worn on a happier occasion yet if even I hardly knew him in it who else shall discover him Oh haste my darling friend secure us the fleetest horses—I seem every moment environed with the guards of Elizabeth —when shall we be any thing but a trouble to you
The amiable Lady Arundell provided all in the manner required and we set
off immediately Ere sunset we reached a peasants cot near St Albans where my Lord insisted we might with safety take a little rest which indeed I greatly required Accustomed to pass and repass that road for ever he fancied he remembered every face he saw and I too surely thought all remembered him Our rustic host and his wife seemed just to have understanding enough to connect the idea of mystery with us and I roused my Lord ere break of day secretly resolving no more to enter a house till we reached our asylum Even the profuse recompence my Lord bestowed on the peasants rather according with his soul than his appearance excited their suspicions they pressed us to stay in a manner which pointed mine and we departed with a precipitation which I dare say confirmed theirs pursuing our journey by roads little frequented Lord Leicester being perfectly acquainted with the ground I went through incredible fatigues without complaint riding the whole
day with no other refreshment than a draught of new milk supplied by a girl as we passed along till as the sun was declining we reached a brow which commanded St Vincents Abbey At the well known prospect my heart dilated —my eyes wandered over the whole with sensations our first home only can excite —Nature seemed to tinge the woods with deeper verdure—the translucent stream meandered in majestic silence undisturbed by noisy bargemen —Innocence seemed to rest under the shade of the willows which every where fringed its margin and the empurpled sun diffused the repose he seemed hastening to partake —an invincible charm took possession of my heart and even the sense of misfortune was for the moment suspended
Here cried I checking my horse here we shall be safe—ah more than safe here we may be happy —Why why cannot those hours return when first we met those hours of undescribable felicity —This landscape then bounded
our wishes in its narrow circle is contained all necessary to existence in ourselves all essential to happiness but society that first of blessings brings with it evils death only can cure And the venerable Father Anthony with what joy—ah with what sorrow will he receive us—forewarned even by our presence of affliction he will hardly dare to indulge the rapture of a moment—Every sentiment and sensation mingling thus in my mind filled the interval ere we arrived at the spot where my heart recognized the minutest object Alighting at some distance Lord Leicester fastened the horses in an obscure part of the wood and we proceeded on foot to the hermits cave Evening began now to gloom over the hemisphere—I had before agreed not to open my lips till my Lord had by degrees revealed himself to Father Anthony whose enfeebled senses might not be able to resist the surprise but how did that return upon ourselves when a voice with which we
were unacquainted replied to us without opening the door Heartstruck I caught the arm of Lord Leicester who eagerly enquired after the hermit He has been dead these ten days returned the man and is interred among the Scroope family in the vault of St Vincents Abbey I am placed here to protect the few effects he left behind till his relations shall direct what is to be done with them—And thus vanish our hopes of safety peace and pleasure sighed I turning disconsolately from the cave Oh fainted Anthony I have now no tears for thee and that loss I lately should have shed floods for is now heard with indifference Where wretched wanderers as we are where now can we betake ourselves Had we staid in London friendship nay interest might have sheltered us here I am as well known as you are there and the possessors of St Vincents Abbey will infallibly discover both Nay we know not who those are and whether we might not throw ourselves into the power
of our worst enemies—Alas my love what do you suffer for my sake it is in vain to affect strength nature fails and I must rest if only on the damp earth—Gracious God exclaimed Lord Leicester supporting me in his arms how have we deserved this accumulation of evils Let us wind through the wood who knows my Matilda but providence has left the gate of the tomb open to shelter us It is plain the peasant who inhabits the cave is not acquainted with the secrets of father Anthony and in all probability that of the Recess died with him Oh struggle a little but a little my love something bids me believe Heaven will yet protect us
Though faint between want of nourishment and excessive fatigue I yet strove to follow my Lord but did it so slowly that night entirely involved us ere we reached the tomb Long custom however enabled me to lead him aright—It is open cried he in a transport of joy come my love and let me assist you to enter —He
did so but hardly was I within it ere I found myself violently seized by several persons who instantly deprived me of the power of utterance had heaven allowed it but agony and horror so entirely overcame me that I sunk senseless in their arms
Are not these Woods
More free from peril than the envious Court
Here feel we but the penalty of Adam
The seasons difference
FROM this temporary death I was at last recalled by a sound that made me wish it had been indeed eternal the voice the tremendous voice of Williams Of what horrors was my soul instantly susceptible What dreadful images swam before those eyes I hardly durst open Fearfully at length I cast them around—I saw I had been conveyed into the great room of our Recess sacred once to piety and inno∣cence but now alas the shelter of ra∣pine perhaps murder A number of illlooking
ruffians stood ready to fulfil the worst commands of their ferocious confe∣derate who with malignant joy contem∣plated two hopeless victims unpitying heaven seemed to have delivered entirely to his vengeance I gave myself up for lost—myself—I alike gave up Lord Lei∣cester who thus disarmed and surrounded collected his soul in silence and resumed the majestic air which once could awe even this villain to subordination I every where perceived a variety of instruments nameless to me which I considered as the means of torture and of death and only supplicated the Almighty to spare us the first since to avoid the latter I supposed a fruitless prayer
You see at last cried the exulting vil∣lain fortunes wheel has made its circle and my turn is come Lord Leicester— How could you hope to conquer a man whose all was courage Neither Sir Fran∣cis nor Elizabeth herself could long con∣fine him who dares precipitate himself into the ocean in search of freedom not
added he in an ironical tone that I shall fail to requite my obligation
Lord Leicester replied but with a look a look so superior contemptuous and collected that it wrought the rage of Wil∣liams to a still higher pitch who turned towards me malignity burning in every scar of his horrid face you are welcome home fair lady continued he though your visit is an unexpected favor without the idle train too which once attended this idle favorite You see we have made a little free with your hallowed mansion but the saints take all in good part Do you not enquire after your fosterfather he would tell us no tales nor will he ever now tell you one Oh Anthony I shud∣dered for thee thou venerable murdered friend in silence Monster burst sorth Lord Leicester hast thou with unexam∣pled cruelty butchered an Anchorite I always work safely returned he you have only saved me the trouble for never would I have rested till by some artifice I had drawn you once more hither and
God you see most graciously has sent you
Blaspheme not thy Maker oh cruel wretch sighed I in a tremulous accent just though severe are all his ordina∣tions and lo with sad submission I take the death appointed me even from thy hands
No cried he though you are not the haughty beauty I adored yet as the wife of that imperious lord you become but a more perfect means of exquisite revenge
The nature of that revenge blazed in his eyes—my heart turned to marble within me I raised my eyes towards hea∣ven in speechless agony and rivetting them on Lord Leicester found life recede too fast for my ear to distinguish one word of that bitter indignation which the voice it loved so loudly uttered
I almost doubted whether my senses were indeed returned when I found myself in∣volved in impenetrable darkness The piercing sigh of some one near me was the only sound that broke the stillness of the night If cried I in a feeble tone that
is the voice to which my heart was born to vibrate oh tell me beloved Leicester whether the scene which yet swims before my sight was real or a vision Gra∣cious heaven returned he in a voice yet more piercing you breathe again my souls best treasure the long long faint∣ing caused by the threats of that execrable monster gave me hopes you had finally escaped a fate too horrid for reflection Oh dire extreme of despair and misery when I am condemned to wish you dead and yet what else can deliver you—yet think not Matilda I fear to follow—ah no the best blood burning in this bosom should joyfully embalm you but the thoughts of all which may precede that moment almost urges me to dash my distracted brain against the stones on which I lie and shorten my own suffer∣ings since hopeless of averting yours Call up your fortitude your reason your religion returned I in a firmer voice an emotion which united all those senti∣ments diffusing itself through my frame dare I accuse the Almighty of injustice
Will he who first gave my helpless inno∣cence a hallowed shelter within these walls ordain they should prove its tomb the shades of those who reared me will surely rise in its defence Alas my love sighed he in a despairing voice these vi∣sionary hopes may soothe the mind till that sad moment nothing can avert—have you forgot that even in happier times you hoped nothing from the villain and is this an hour to expect a change Re∣venge and poverty have seared his soul to all humanity How how could it ever escape my memory that he was acquainted with the secret of the Recess how un∣der such uncertainty durst I ever venture within it but shortsighted man solely employed in weaving snares for others too late finds his own feet entangled and falls an easy prey to the ignoble Not satisfied with heading this set of coiners for such their apparatus proved them his daring disposition breaks forth in acts of plunder and barbarity and even at this moment he is seeking new victims though possessing unsought those he would out of
the whole world have chosen Shall we complain Heaven has quite abandoned us resumed I when it has given us but one moment to ourselves Oh Leices∣ter you have hitherto found me a tender anxious fearful woman but alas I knew not till now the powers of my own soul— Abhorrent of shame and dishonour it tempts me to the most desperate deeds if yours is indeed congenial it surely un∣derstands me assume a Roman courage and save thy wife thy spotless wife from horrible pollution So much I ago∣nize at the idea cried Lord Leicester that were these hands free perhaps— and mine too added I feeble as they are alike are bound yet surely despair will give me strength to loose them The violent efforts I made at last broke the slight thong they thought more than sufficient to confine one in my feeble state and encouraged by my success I sought Lord Leicester At the moment I re∣stored his liberty I half revived while the sole use the tender Leicester could make of his arms was to press me a
thousand times to his swelled heart which almost burst with sobbing I struggled against all the sad tenderness which throb∣bed at mine Oh think no more of love cried I with increasing heroism it has given place to death—to worse than death—rather imagine you hear this dun∣geon once more open—But can I lift that hand which pledged it self for thy protection against thy life thy pre∣cious life groaned he—can I deface that angel form which still illumes my soul through all these complicated horrors And oh our dear unborn for whom we gladly suffered can I can I destroy it Think think my Life returned I we have perhaps this only moment—had these wretches left any means of death in my own hands do you imagine I would supplicate it from yours Strangle me now while darkness favours Your wife demands of you this final proof of love and courage hers will at least vie with it no groan no struggle shall issue from a heart which then will return innocent to that dust from which it sprung devoted
alone to the adored husband with whose image it is doubly inhabited Oh matchless matchless woman cried my Lord flooding my cheek with tears of generous anguish never never can it be my sinews relax to childhood your unhopedfor fortitude totally subdues mine and melts my soul to womans weakness—Oh thou who gavest me this angel canst thou have abandoned her to brutality and me to distraction
A peal of thunder which shook the ruins to their foundation seemed to re∣prove his boldness The livid lightning pervaded our dungeon through many a timeworn aperture During every tre∣mendous illumination I gazed awestruck on the pallid face of my Love till suddenly glancing around I gave a cry which startled even myself—glowing gasping transported yet still unable to speak I sunk before my Lord and clasping both his hands alternately prest them to my heart and lifted them with mine to∣wards Heaven What means my be∣loved exclaimed he in almost equal
surprise and agitation has pitying provi∣dence deprived her of her senses Ah no it is God himself who has illumined them faltered I at last what dungeon has man yet discovered the Almighty cannot you have perhaps forgot my love that you have often heard of one communica∣tion from the Recess to the Abbey closed up on the death of Mrs Marlow it was never opened after nor was it known to that horrible villain this dismal den con∣tains it and we tread on the only spot in the creation which could shelter us from those ruffians In the corner on the right hand covered with lumber placed long since on purpose you will find a trap door if you have strength to raise it strong fastenings will secure it on the other side at least till we reach the Abbey Oh thou added I devoutly raising my eyes who alone couldst preserve us con∣tinue those flashes more welcome than ever yet the sun was
Indelibly impressed with the present danger it was not till we had descended into the vaults and fastened that blessed
door between ourselves and the banditti that either recollected what we might ap∣prehend at the Abbey Assured none but an opulent owner could reside in a seat so splendid we vainly racked imagination to discover its present possessor yet per∣suaded even our worst enemies would res∣cue us with pleasure from a peril so near∣ly connected with themselves we were obliged to defy every other The house∣keepers room into which the passage led was empty yet scattered furniture c indicated inhabitants I hailed with true devotion that power who gave me once more to see the soft lustre of the moon which on the subsiding of the storm dif∣fused serenity Retaining in his hand the bar which had been one fastening of the Abbey entrance as the only weapon in his power Lord Leicester followed my trembling steps they turned intuitively to the apartment of Mrs Marlow ah that there I could have found her I paused at the door of the antichamber my heart sickened with despondency knowing there was an immediate necessity
for rousing and arming the whole family yet convinced we must at first alarm them as preternatural beings and afterwards with the conviction our escape introduced a danger to themselves while ignorant whom we were going to appear before well might the firmest heart tremble Engrossed by these various and affecting ideas I hardly heard a sound which made Lord Leicester start forward with an eagerness that might easily have deprived me of the little strength Heaven had left me The antichamber into which I im∣mediately followed him was dark but in the room beyond I perceived a lights and heard the voice of a woman apparently supplicating Scarcely had I distinguish∣ed in that of the man who answered her the dreaded Williams ere I saw Lord Leicester start forward levelling the bar with so desperate a boldness that the fall of the villain ascertained our safety Instant∣ly snatching a knife from the wretchs hand he pointed it at his bosom but perceived a perforation in the brain which made his punishment terrible as his guilt
and his death immediate Execrable monster cried my Lord dropping the knife by unlookedfor means Heaven at last has finished thee—Gracious God cried the lady do I hear the voice of Lord Leicester—Amazed at this discovery and the preceding event hardly could my trembling limbs convey me into the chamber Approach my dear Ma∣tilda cried my Lord never more shall this wretch appal thee Eternal justice is satisfied with one blow nor need I turn assassin even to him Happy at the same moment in saving this lady endeavour to interest her for those misfortunes in which she already seems interwoven—Can Lord Leicester have any misfor∣tune in which I am not interwoven cried the lady to have received my life from his hands alone could reconcile me to it Had I not known the speaker by her voice to be the fair Rose Cecil such language must have ascertained it yet to find our∣selves under the roof of our most mortal enemy was a cruel stroke Is it possible we should be in the house of Lord Bur∣leigh
cried Lord Leicester disdainfully She sighing replied he fortunately is absent nor can you ever be unsafe in any house where I am mistress You know not to whom you speak cried I in turn alas Miss Cecil do you still remember the friendship you have so often professed for the unfortunate Matilda Ever has see lamented the sad necessity of veiling her fate from a heart so noble accept then at this unexpected moment that confidence I always longed to place in you and tell me whether you still can resolve to love her who was the wife of Lord Leicester long ere she saw you her who at this moment renders him a fugitive in his own country Her dis∣tressful eyes wandered from him to me for some moments in silence then taking a hand of each she first kissed and after∣wards uniting them said with a Spartan firmness my friend but turning in∣stantly from him to hide her glowing cheeks and impassioned tears in my bosom sobbed out my deliverer Her beauty which was rendered more obvious by her disorder∣ed
appearance the ruffian having compelled her to rise and half dress herself her in∣nocence and her generosity appeared at last a little to affect Lord Leicester who had hitherto shewn her an indifference al∣most amounting to disgust It remains with you Madam returned he in a softer voice now to become mine Miss Cecil no longer sees the worshipped favourite of an imperious Queen United alike by choice and law to the dear companion of my dangers a chain of occurrences re∣duces us to escape by unknown means from England and with the utmost dis∣patch Nevertheless those even Eliza∣beths rage might have spared were only an hour ago devoted by that lifeless vil∣lain Escaped this moment almost from a den of slaughter hardly can we tell whether the banditti of whom this was the ringleader are not now surrounding us Summon all your courage and your domesticks and while providing for your own safety I need not solicit you to re∣member ours When I forget it may I be condemned to see you perish cried
she Then turning to me with that in∣nocent candor which eminently distin∣guished her sought a pardon in my eyes Collecting all her thoughts she continued in a few moments—Astonished as I must be both at your circumstances and your visit my noble friends curiosity yields to friendship With the morning I expect my father nor is there any safety for you but immediate flight neverthe∣less this danger with which you say we are environed must be the first considera∣tion I then explained to her the secret of the Recess the direful mistake which had thrown us into the power of its pre∣sent diabolical tenants and the despera∣tion which the discovery of our escape and the means by which it was effected must inevitably cause except indeed the loss of Williams should abate their fero∣city While I talked I frequently per∣ceived her mind wandered on another subject She surveyed the disguised per∣sons and pale faces of both my Lord and me a thousand times over by fits she shook with horror at the story I was re∣lating
and by starts she forgot I had been speaking and obliged me to go back in my tale Employed chiefly in concerting the means of securing our safety her own seemed hardly a consider∣ation Such is the nature of love in the mind of a virtuous woman I see said she when I had finished the necessity for some bodys appearing to account to my servants for the discovery of the vil∣lains I see too that Lord Leicester can∣not be the person for who can fail to know him The inference thus tenderly conveyed was obvious one must be seen but I could not resolve to be that one without a dismay which surpassed com∣plaint Yes my dear Matilda added she we must part with him for a little time but you will rejoin him for life By the ordination of providence as I could almost suppose the son of my nurse is now in the house a young man over whom that circumstance gives me a powerful influence against the choice of his friends he embraced a seafaring life till he ac∣quired enough money to purchase a small
vessel with which he trades between the coast of Devonshire and that of France but disgusted at the profession he chose it was only yesterday he arrived here to solicit my interest with my father to pro∣mote him in a civil line Say not then Heaven frowns on your flight since it plainly points cut a secure mode of escape I cannot but discern every avenue to Hol∣land must be effectually closed but who could think of tracing you to the distant and obscure coast of Devonshire It is true the journey is long but to compen∣sate for that you must recollect it is safe The travels of Arthur have been confined to the road by which he conducts you and his connections are doubtless among people who will furnish you with every common comfort without having curiosity or un∣derstanding to penetrate through the mys∣tery of your rank I see too what your ex∣pressive eyes my dear Matilda would point out—the impossibility of long concealing the share I have had in your fate since how else can your miraculous appearance here or the terrible death of my mid∣night
visitor be accounted for but I what of that she generously added after a moments pause much ought to be ven∣tured when our all is at stake I have expected every moment said my Lord some dreadful interruption from the rest of these wretches No returned Miss Cecil I have every reason to imagine he was alone in this enterprize when first by his entrance I started from the slum∣ber into which I was falling I began col∣lecting my purse and every ornament near me he rejected them all and com∣pelling me to rise commanded me with terrible imprecations to conduct him to the private cabinet where my father con∣cealed his state papers hoping doubt∣less by possessing them to obtain many se∣crets which might ensure his own pardon for that must have been his ultimate object I knew too well the character of my fa∣ther not to debate whether I should not rather give up my life than a trust so pre∣cious when the terrible intervention of Lord Leicester released me from the con∣flict Yet I agree with you a moment
ought not to be lost and first let me lock up the room which contains so shocking a testimony that more than one man has intruded there at midnight Conscious of her own merit she encountered even the eye of Lord Leicester without tre∣mor who could not but admire in her at that moment all the magnanimity and foresight which ennobles man with every softer grace which half deifies woman For my own part I clasped her to my bo∣som declaring I could never love her more than I did long ere this proof of her merit This is the only topic danger∣ous to either returned she a tear beati∣fying her smile we will all love one ano∣ther as well as we can But now my Lord attend to the next step if you dare rely on my direction we will conduct you to the door leading to the garden make your way over the wall on the side farthest from the wood a mile beyond there is a bridge wait near it in silence Arthur shall first hide a horse for you and then set out on another to convey this lady as if to her home in some ad∣jacent
village the confusion attending the discovery of the vaulted passage will render the family most probably inatten∣tive to her presence or departure and ere they can be enough at leisure to discover Williams or form any dangerous conjec∣ture you will both be I hope beyond the reach of discovery or pursuit But oh my Lord if you would have either of the trembling wretches now before you survive this night of horrors use the strictest caution in seeking your appointed shelter nor leave it till you hear the voice of Matilda
Lord Leicester promised and conduct∣ing him softly through the house we reached the door leading to the garden All the horrors of the past were short of what I felt at that moment After the dangers I had shared and escaped with my Lord to see him depart was to quit my guardian angel or to deprive him of his yet convinced Miss Cecil was actu∣ated by the same fearful affection I yield∣ed myself up to the desperate emergency and acquiesced The closing of the door
after him severed the hearts of both it was then only we knew the support we had derived from his presence wan speech∣less helpless we durst hardly turn our eyes on any object but each other nor utter a sigh but it swelled into a groan and the ghastly body of Williams seemed for ever to impede out footsteps floating the path with blood Miss Cecil took the only possible method to divert our terrors and soon rousing a few terrified domesticks commanded them to summon all the fa∣mily a command which needed no repeti∣tion A few minutes gathered together eigh∣teen or twenty men sufficiently armed to secure us from any personal danger I con∣ducted the whole astonished body to the private door through which I had en∣tered I described the place to which it led and touching slightly on my own danger and escape recommended to them that profound silence the villains had preserved towards us with such fatal suc∣cess During this time Miss Cecil se∣lected the man she mentioned to us and retiring into the next room gave him
her orders unobserved so entirely did both my appearance and strange story en∣gross the attention of every individual belonging to the family Miss Cecil re∣joining us ordered them to divide and while half remained to guard the house the rest should descend and passing into the dungeon from whence I came wait the return of the banditti and seize them one by one as they entered This con∣clusion of the adventure greatly damped the ardour of the group but ashamed to recede from a place through which I had apparently escaped alone they departed in so numerous a body as might almost fill the den in which I was lately enclosed the few who remained hovering near the entrance solely intent on the event of the enterprize Arthur in the interim having the full command of the stables made ready two horses in the manner al∣ready mentioned and Miss Cecil with her usual foresight overwhelmed me with refreshments which a little invigorated my exhausted frame nor did she forget to provide Arthur with such as might re∣cruit
my Lord selecting from her ward∣robe linen and every necessary the time and occasion admitted Impatiently I expected the summons to depart which was preceded by a message from the Re∣cess that all was hitherto entirely silent and the door fastened as when we left it a circumstance which appalled my inmost soul as it seemed to leave us still in the reach of the merciless banditti With mingled tears of grief and hope I em∣braced that generous friend I never more might see and quitting the once hospi∣table mansion which seemed of all the universe the only home my heart acknow∣ledged I seated myself behind a guide whose sunburnt features softened into a compassion few indeed could at that mo∣ment have denied me The moon shone forth with resplendent lustre and our road being in a contrary direction to that which before ensnared us I recommended my∣self to Heaven and anxiously expected the meeting with my Lord We had not proceeded far when that dear protector who had in fearful affection for me de∣fied
his own danger and returned almost to the Abbey started from under a clump of trees and with a voice that dissipated terror welcomed my return to freedom and sprung upon the horse our guide be∣fore led for him Such is the effect of an evil escaped that I almost forgot my excessive fatigue and could have fancied myself safe
Recent circumstances at first occupied my thoughts and during the intervals of silence the addition of a stranger must naturally impose my imagination once more returned to the dungeon it pictured the fear and horror the wretches them∣selves must in turn feel when unknown hands condemned them to a fate like that they had allotted to us Again I wandered to the Court I seemed to see Elizabeth burning with embosomed rage while the helpless noble Ellinor became as its imme∣diate its only object I greatly relied on the watchful friendship of all the Sydneys but hardly could I hope even they could rescue her from the Queen I knew the letter Lord Leicester had ordered to be
delivered to Elizabeth two hours after our departure with the confirmation that must give it would infallibly explain to her the secret of our marriage which of itself confuted the tale he had advanced concerning our birth nor could I doubt but every artifice would be practised to unfold the whole mystery and alas un∣generous minds too often fasten on the victim cruel fortune puts most into their power
Yet in the haste and confusion attend∣ing our flight we had found it impossible to unite my sister in it neither at that unhappy juncture could she be found and all the care we could shew for her safety was to recommend her in the most strenuous manner to those few friends we expected the discovery would leave us While Ellinor had the resolution to re∣tain her own secret we knew the power of the Queen could not reach her and the strength and foresight she had at many times shewn persuaded me she was equal even to this hardest of trials Yet could I think of the insolent interrogatories and
contumely she must inevitably encounter without a bleeding heart to be the gaze of every eye—the object of every tongue—oh greatly did she need the conscious∣ness of innocence the pride of royalty to sustain her
It had ever been our plan if fortunate enough to escape safely into France to remain still in disguise till couriers from England could convince us how far the plot of Babington and particularly Lord Leicesters knowledge of it had trans∣pired If it appeared his share in that scheme was undiscovered my Lord might with safety avow himself as marrying privately was a crime only in the eye of Elizabeth And knowing too well her favourites ought ever to consider their in∣fluence as precarious Lord Leicester had scattered large sums in the hands of dif∣ferent merchants in various kingdoms as a resource he now found his only one nor was it insufficient If on the con∣trary we learnt Elizabeth had dived into that dangerous mystery he was censurable only for concealing by the charge of trea∣son
she could perhaps affect his safety in France nay almost in Europe and to preserve his life some disguise must still be maintained while hers lasted
Though separated in infancy from every one allied to me nothing could ever de∣tach my heart from family claims not daring to look towards my mother I had always passionately desired to see the sole surviving sister of my father Margaret Lady Mortimer Educated with the late Queen in the Catholick persuasion she had married a general and with him held many distinguished places under Phi∣lip and Mary The revolution both in politicks and religion caused by the ac∣cession of Elizabeth was fatal alike to her honors and her pleasures General Lord Mortimer followed the widowed King to Spain and raised on his favor a fortune that gave him power to fix his own fate when death suddenly decided it His relict re∣tired to Rouen in Normandy where his sister was then Abbess leaving her younger son in the service of Philip and her elder in the army of Francis IId Naturally of an
active temper she could not resolve to give up the world though attached to it only by disgusts and lavished a large por∣tion of the immense fortune her mother and husband had united to bequeath her in cherishing every exiled enemy of Eli∣zabeth Elated with the vain hope of one day seeing her illfated brother throned in conjunction with the Queen of Scots she entered into all his measures while that union was in agitation and emerging once more from her convent journeyed to Rome where she spared neither pains nor money to win friends who might authorize and ratify it She was among the few who knew the marriage secretly took place she even knew it was likely to pro∣duce heirs of royalty and misfortune when the discovery trial and execution of the Duke of Norfolk entirely crushed her last fond project From that moment she had remained uninformed of the se∣cret soul of Mary and the fate of her un happy offspring The avowed disgust she had shewn towards Elizabeth made it dangerous for her to return to her own
country and hardly in it could she have arrived at such important intelligence when once the clue was lost Aspiring rich and restless she still affected to ap∣pear the patroness of all oppressed Eng∣lishmen and if I found it prudent to avow myself I might safely rely on a welcome from her who would find with joy every hope so long extinct renovated in me Our present journey conducted us to a coast almost opposite to that of Normandy I fancied a pleasure in having it in my power to claim her cares in the approach∣ing melancholy crisis and was not with∣out hopes Lord Leicester might safely ap∣pear in his own person when once my sister had escaped to rejoin us
These various reflections fully occupied my mind till the dawn of day when our guide assured us we might safely rest in the hamlet to which we were near Con∣vinced by Miss Cecils confidence in him he might fully be trusted I entered with weary limbs a cottage from whence its la∣borious inhabitants were just issuing to work They used their utmost diligence
to procure us a homely meal and we re∣tired almost stupified with intense fatigue to a bed which had only cleanliness to re∣commend it Here both sunk into a re∣pose so profound that the day was closing when we arose Our watchful guide as∣sured us we must hasten over the dinner which long had waited for us as we had many miles to journey ere we could find a safe resting place Earnestly did I wish to remain with our present hosts till the next morning but submitting to necessity re∣mounted in silence Arthur well justified the confidence of his Lady having se∣lected horses that never flagged through the whole journey and always guarding against discovery by conducting us thro roads very little frequented among which he found hamlets whose inhabitants were gratified in merely seeing him and who only attended to his companions in the hope of obliging him I was astonished at observing how little curiosity we ex∣cited forgetful that the mind is worn down with the body and that a common laborer rarely considers any thing beyond
those common comforts incessant industry alone can procure him
Insensible to the beauties of the country through which we passed I was for ever employed in looking for the sea and when at last I discovered it strove to extend my sight beyond and dwell on that shore where I alone could think Lord Leicester safe The nearer we drew towards the coast the stronger my fears became It was inhabited chiefly by men hard by na∣ture and desperate by profession ac∣customed to murder as well as plunder those wrecked on the shore they sternly examined and defied every passenger I could hardly persuade myself some of these were not stragglers from the banditti of Williams and blessed heaven as tho all peril had been past when we arrived at the homely dwelling of Arthur 〈◊〉 stood on a lonely part of the shore where lofty cliffs shooting far into the sea gave safety in the little bay to a few fishingboats and small vessels Ah how do our awakened passions entirely curb every prejudice Of late those livid lightnings
at which my nature ever before shrunk appeared but the quivering lamp of love Now I saw and heard undaunted the en∣circling sea once the happy boundary of human pursuits whose restless waves roar a proud defiance to all who dare approach it and my sole fear sprung from learning that the wind was entirely contrary and the watery chasm yet impassable
Too late we lamented departing unat∣tended Unable in this sequestered spot to discover any part of what had passed in the Court since our flight and unwil∣ling to trust as well as unable to spare our guide or his friends to make an en∣quiry at the next town two most tedious days elapsed in melancholy and conjecture Arthur not being able to go out in his own vessel without suspicions and exa∣minations we durst not encounter hired a large fishing smack in which he stored the few necessaries our limited situation allowed us to provide and I watched without ceasing the playing of its streamers On the evening of the third day I perceived them sud∣denly
point towards France rest having recruited my strength and spirits I start∣ed up in a transport of joy The few ma∣riners being gathered at last together I stept with a lightened heart into a miser∣able boat which bore us swiftly towards that destined to convey us over when two strangers riding full speed to the shore called to us to put back with the most frantick eagerness I took the alarm and offered the mariners imagi∣nary worlds to row on when Arthur in∣sisting he knew the voice and disregard∣ing all I could urge turned the boat I threw my arms round my Lord as though my heart would have opened to hide him and regardless of his remon∣strances that we could be in no danger from only two people however hostile their intention my senses died away Recover∣ing at last I found myself in the cabin of the vessel reclining on the bosom of Lord Leicester while a youth who knelt at my feet prest my hands alternately to his lips—Look up my beloved cried my Lord and see whom fortune has unit∣ed
in our exile Ah rather do not look up lovely Matilda cried Miss Cecil for it was that sweet girl indeed in the habit of a boy till you have considered what reception you ought to give the selfish friend who has dared interweave her sate with yours Yet hear before you judge me added she rising with a mild majes∣ty which gave unspeakable graces to the blushes that every moment visited and re∣tired from her cheeks I am going to lay my whole heart before you both It is in vain to attempt veiling a weakness from Lord Leicester so many circumstances have concurred to betray it remains with me then to ennoble it The discovery of your marriage my amiable friends quenched the last feeble hope which lin∣gered in my heart Convinced my par∣tiality could never become his happiness I instantly resolved it should become his pride Selflove expired before the ele∣vated idea Ah what but this could have enabled me to lead him into the gar∣den at midnight and take a look I then thought a last one without dropping a
single tear I saw in a moment all the merit the charms of her character whom he had chosen Should I hate her then for being all I would have endeavoured to be for accepting that distinction which not depending on youth beauty merit or fortune is the dearest bounty of in∣dulgent Heaven Ah no my heart was juster and welcomed her as one born to divide it with Lord Leicester Solely in∣tent on the prosperous flight of both I almost forgot the servants planted in the Recess and all the monsters that infested it I fancied to myself those hours when all your dangers past you would some∣times think of her who could only think of you I heard both sigh and wishing but to be enough remembered to soften without wounding either heart I sighed myself and started from these pleasant reveries at the voice of our Steward who rushing abruptly into the room dismayed my every sense with his recital Re∣joice Madam rejoice cried the man with honest zeal and think this stranger born for your service Never can we
enough adore the astonishing interposition of Heaven It is not long since when tired with watching in the dungeon a variety of voices struck our ears which soon approaching us every man sum∣moned all his courage shortly the door was unbolted and a ruffian darted in whose daring look was changed to an icy paleness which lights from behind re∣flected when he found each arm seized by one of our people while a third held a pistol to his head Uttering a faint imprecation he alarmed the rest and both sides immediately fired We then pushed forward without any regard for those who fell and pursuing the rest through the various avenues of the den secured them all as we have reason to imagine astonishment half depriving them of the power of resistance In the largest apartment of this strange place we found guess Madam how we were amazed our Lord with an unknown lady and three of our fellow servants who were newly brought in by the ruffians and bound nor do I doubt but a dreadful death was
designed them but for this wonderful event Alienated as my affections must long have been from my father continu∣ed Miss Cecil turning the discourse to herself I could not hear of so wonderful an escape without feeling the most lively satisfaction It was damped however by recollecting the body of Williams I saw too plainly I must now account for it to one invested with authority to en∣quire and resolution to convict me Lost in a variety of plans my father had been some minutes in the house ere I stirred from my own antichamber where the approach of Lord Burleigh entirely con∣fined me Faint and silent I arose and bending before him wept forth my duty and my joy I know all you would say my child cried he eagerly and how this horrible place was discovered but where is Lord Leicester and his Lady Struck dumb with a question as clear and deci∣sive as if he had been a sharer in the tran∣sactions of the night my eyes were fixed upon him in terror and stupefaction when my brother impatient to discover
both made his way at once into my chamber whither the loud exclamation he gave collected all present nor could my father resist hastening as fast as his infirmities permitted hoping as I had rea∣son to imagine he there should find that enemy who more engrossed his thoughts than the preservation of his own life or mine How were all amazed when the lifeless villain Williams alone appeared Some examined his pockets while others searched the chamber My father spoke not for some time when fixing an eye on me falshood never durst encounter he pointed ironically to the body You killed him doubtless said he and re∣lapsed again into his meditation After a time some faint remembrance glanced across his mind He drew near and ex∣amining the dead mans features seemed to recollect and in recollecting to dread him for at once he shrunk into himself and repeated in a low voice that vil∣lain Not having however any clue to his thoughts though he had to mine there rested my idea of the matter I
collected all my courage and framing the most plausible tale the present situa∣tion allowed resolved to abide by it what∣ever the event My father likewise set∣tled his plan of proceeding and far from regulating the servants whose every mo∣tion fear made wild and eccentric turned his attention solely on me Rising at last with a stern air Rose said he follow me I had of late been but too much accus∣tomed to that harsh voice and obeyed in silence Seating himself in an adjacent apartment he demanded an exact recital of all the horrors of the night I com∣menced with the being roused by Wil∣liams I related his design and the threats which almost brought my life to the point of a moment when substituting Arthur for Lord Leicester I affirmed it was his providential arrival guided by an un∣known lady and the desperate courage supplied by the emergency which res∣cued me from the knife of that inveterate villain He interrupted me eagerly en∣quiring for the lady On my assuring him she was gone—think well cried
he in a terrible voice think well rash romantic girl ere you venture again to answer me I know the cause of Leices∣ters flight I know too its companion I know that he escaped a few hours be∣fore from the dungeon in which I was found I know if so who must be his confederate Stain to the name of Cecil degenerate wretch not content with the blind credulity of youth to embosom rescue and abet a traitor wilt thou con∣ceal his wife Tremble at the vengeance of thy sovereign—tremble alike at that of thy father Convinced by whatever wonderful means he was so fully inform∣ed that I could not hope to delude him I started up my complexion changing every moment I indeed find myself my Lord cried I unequal to a falshood but you will find me equal to the most des∣perate truth It was Lord Leicester I own whom Heaven itself brought to my relief and shall I deliver him up to death who saved me from it Oh never never Sheltered in a spot less liable to suspicion than that from which they lately escaped
he with his chosen happy bride can safely wait till the violence of the Queen gives place to justice Tortures should wring no more from me and whatever my fate it will always admit of one sweet conso∣lation in the remembrance that Heaven allowed me to recompence a benefit at the moment of receiving it Why should I repeat sighed our fair narrator all the rage tears and altercation that for a few days made life a torment to me Totally confined to my apartment and treated like a criminal it was even hinted my conti∣nued obstinacy would provoke my father into making that horrible den the Re∣cess my prison In one instance alone was I fortunate my mysterious speech impressed on my fathers mind an opini∣on he had previously adopted that Lord Leicester with his Lady must be secret∣ed in or near Kenilworth Castle whither his most trusted spies immediately resort∣ed and amused him with various suppo∣sitions dispatched daily from thence Oppressed with unkindness and severity often did my weak my wavering heart
prompt me to follow and if possible overtake you but the instant recollecti∣on of the obvious track such a rash flight must open to your inveterate pursuers always subdued so unjustifiable a wish My father at once changed his measures and releasing carried me with him to every suspected place in the neighbour∣hood hoping from the alteration of my features he should discover that which contained Lord Leicester By a fatality which completed my misfortunes in one of these tours we encountered Irton that lover who cost me both the Queens and my fathers favour encouraged by Lord Burleigh once more he returned with us Incapable of love but infatuated with politicks his ardent desire of holding a rank in his favorite line through my means revived Regardless of my tears coldness and disdain he had always looked up to my father as the decider of his fate and still continued to do so I had the misery of learning a bargain was made of which I must be the uncon∣senting pledge and that almost immedi∣ately
I knew my fathers inexorable nature I knew likewise that of Irton and had reason to dread the next fit of rage might consign me to legal infamy unless by a desperation on my own part I prevented this on theirs Wonder not that at last I yielded to think of a measure so long combated I selected a servant in whom I had a confidence who procured me this disguise and offered to protect me I blest that faith I could never hope suffi∣ciently to reward and winged alike with hope and fear pursued your route with indefatigable diligence leaving a letter which spoke of London as my asylum
To this generous recital my Lord and self replied with reiterated assurances of friendship and protection as well as the highest encomiums on her courage and conduct Shortly after my Lord quitted the cabin You who have long been the confidante the sole confidante of my weakness resumed Miss Cecil in a tender tone while her doubtful eye seemed to search my very soul will be less surprized at its effect than its confession Yet even
that strange as it may seem sprung from prudence I had well considered my dear Matilda every part of my past and future conduct I too plainly felt while I imagined my Lord a stranger to the impulses of my heart it might still adhere to him with a dangerous ten∣derness By the boldness of this step I have made him a judge over me and shall act with the severest prudence I know your generous disposition seeing only the better part of mine might have induced you still to wish me near you— how could I resist so sweet an invitation Ah only by silencing the most decisive pleader Lord Leicester can now never urge me on the dangerous subject In whatever place you fix your residence I will retire to a neighbouring monastery as a boarder where always hearing of and sometimes seeing both added she in a voice broken by sobs my wishes will be completed nor do I imagine you will in the interim grudge me a share in Lord Leicesters danger Ah little do you know me returned I pressing her hand
affectionately if you think I could grudge you a share in his happiness never my tender generous girl never more will we part never could Lord Leicester hope or his wife fear any thing unbe∣coming from a soul like yours Actu∣ated by one sentiment counterparts by nature of each other you and I should violate her laws were we to separate To own the whole truth my sweet friend returned she with her usual no∣ble ingenuousness I expected this instance of your generosity but it only confirms my resolution and my own heart would anticipate the condemnation of yours were it possible for me to waver
A sense of safety and of gratitude to my fair friend diffused itself through my soul as the evening closed to which I had for some time been a stranger Lord Lei∣cester pressed us to enjoy the sweetness of the hour We ascended the deck and seating ourselves in a little boat lashed to it every fear every hope seemed sus∣pended and the present all of our lives for which any had a sense The gentle
breezes only played upon the white sails and the vessel cut with a safe and pleasant motion through those green waves whose points the full moon exquisitely silvered as breaking they gave life to the stillness of the night I turned my eyes with the sweetest satisfaction from my love to my friend from my friend to my love the same mild orb delicately illumd either face a manly tenderness marked Lord Leicesters attention to me a grateful de∣ference that to her while the fair Rose rich in the applauses of her own heart and nobly conscious of her claims on ours forgot there was any thing wanting to her happiness These sacred pauses in life which lovers only know invigorate the soul as sleep does the body and alone can enable us to sustain the past and com∣ing ills Prepared by a mental calm for the happiest repose sleep asserted a claim to those hours fear and fatigue had long possessed and my Lord insisted on re∣maining above the loveliness of the wea∣ther though the autumn was far advanc∣ed made this less dangerous and Miss
Cecil and I at last consented to occupy the only miserable bed which neverthe∣less afforded us that rest a palace had often denied The next morning entirely re∣versed the scene and destroyed at once our comfort and tranquillity with the moon the weather changed and the wind becoming entirely contrary that deadly sickness incident to the element seized alike on Miss Cecil and me absorbing even the sense of danger With an ex∣hausted sullenness we surveyed those roar∣ing surges whose hollows fancy could not venture to fathom and saw ourselves driven almost back to the shore of England without strength or spirits even to lament our cruel destiny My Lord happily more used to the sea resisted its influ∣ence and exerted himself equally in com∣forting the sufferers and assisting the sai∣lors happily too they were all well ac∣quainted with the coast while the con∣trary wind and enraged elements con∣stituted in one sense our safety as every other vessel taking shelter in the nearest port waited in safety more favourable
weather Tost about for near ten days we at last made Havredegrace early in the morning and more dead than alive I was conveyed to the first inn and instantly put to bed
Here my fatigues and apprehensions were very near producing a misfortune I from the first had dreaded I had but too much reason to fear that the poor babe who had been the innocent cause of these calamities would never live to reward us for them but urged into a premature ex∣istence of all this mighty world would claim only a grave The grief this gave me increased the danger I knew the pas∣sionate desire of offspring which possessed my Lord I had often flattered myself this wish if indulged would fill up that void in his life the promise had caused What then should I suffer to see a disappointment added to the sacrifices and degradations I had already entailed upon him It was at this crisis all the merit of Miss Cecil shone forth to the delicate attentions of a friend she united the soft solicitude of a mother She soothed my mind with the
most flattering hopes and jealous lest in any fretful moment my secret soul should doubt her attachment she so entirely fore∣stalled every suspicion that uninformed spectators would rather have imagined me the only source of her happiness than the sole obstacle to it At length I conquered the danger and then my spirits returned faster than my strength Often I talked of England of my sister and the expected dispatches I wrote to Lady Mortimer and briefly related those incidents I have here explained in many pages I claimed her alliance her protection explained the present delicate situation of my health and enclosed my picture in little not doubting but that would identify my birth and part of the diamonds we brought with us were converted into money to es∣tablish our rank if we found it prudent to acknowledge it
I continued a long time too weak to quit my chamber yet at intervals a new fear disturbed me I perceived my Lord absent and anxious frequently an extreme paleness overcame the floridness of nature
and traversing the room for hours he would give way to a chagrin the cause of which not all my tenderest intrea∣ties could wring from him I often re∣called the words of my sister I fancied he vainly regretted the distinction of roy∣alty the pride of splendor and the plea∣sure of popularity Accustomed to be the object of every eye to have every wish forestalled to be obeyed ere he spoke I sighing owned the change in his fate might well appear dreary Not daring to hint my ideas I impatiently expected the return of the express sent to Rouen hoping it would open new prospects and disperse the heavy cloud between him and felicity But oh how delusive is human perspica∣city—insolently vain of our bounded knowledge we boast of tracing every thought and action of individuals seas di∣vide from us even at the very moment we misjudge all with whom we are immedi∣ately surrounded My fond attention fixed partially on Lord Leicester looked not out of himself for causes of grief Lady Mortimers answer at length arrivd she acknowledged her relationship to me with
surprize and pleasure and kindly la∣mented her infirm health did not permit her to pay in coming to me that defer∣ence my regal birth intitled me to but that her train waited our permission to es∣cort us to Rouen whither she urged us to hasten as well for our own safety as to gratify her impatience My expectations being fully answered by this letter breath∣less with joy I raised my eyes to Lord Leicester who had been perusing it over my shoulder they met his full of a sad∣ness so meaning it numbed my very heart
Long used now to dread every day would teem with some horrible event I snatched his hand and in broken accents only begged to know it He sunk at my feet and hiding his tears with my robe swelled with sobs that almost cracked my heartstrings You have told me you loved me Matilda said he in a broken and doubtful voice—Told you reechoed I heavens and earth can that my Lord remain a question have I not for you forgot the rights of sex of rank of every thing but love Have I not done all
could to deserve these sacrifices again demanded he Debate no more admitted merits cried I with wild im∣patience oh give me the truth and all the truth at once nor doubly tor∣ture me with this pomp of prepara∣tion Whatever it is I will remember there might be a worse since my eyes still behold you every evil but your danger my soul can cope with You speak not yet we are then discovered betrayed delivered up condemned—the fatal power of Elizabeth has reached us even here for nothing else can surely thus af∣fect you It has indeed sighed he Oh why then exclaimed I forgetful of all my assurances am I unprovided with poison for death must now be the only mercy hoped May the ocean from which we with so much difficulty escaped entomb us on our return rather than re∣sign us up to her licensed vengeance The power of Elizabeth has reached us added he more mournfully though not in our own persons Safe still in my arms in my heart you may my Love long arraign and bewail a misfortune all
Europe will bewail with you His sym∣pathising eyes explained the truth—the agonizing truth—my soul understood him —aghast with horror my eyes seemed to set and every limb to stiffen to marble a sensation to which fainting is ease con∣densed every faculty and nature power∣ful nature struck on my heart at the thought of my mother with a pang per∣haps equal to that with which she bore me The radiant sun of Love seemed to dip into a sea of blood and sink there for ever▪ Unable to reduce the torrent of my ideas into language I buried my head in my robe and pointed to the door that all might leave me Happily my Lord saw a prudence in indulging me and laying down several letters instantly re∣tired A horrible transport for some mo∣ments benumbed me—how multiplied how complicate how various how new were then my feelings feelings which ever return with the remembrance feel∣ings which opened a vein in my character as well as my heart—all sense of gentle∣ness vanished The first paper I perused
confirmed my fears—I saw in the first lines the decided fate of the martyred Mary— I seemed to behold the savage hand of Elizabeth dipt in the blood of an anoint∣ed sister sovereign—I felt she was my mother my fond my helpless mother and my heart floated in tears which were hours working their way up to my burn∣ing eyes The furies of Orestes seemed to surround me and thunder parricide nothing but parricide in my ear What groaned I after so long an endurance such complicated evils supported with a patience that left not her enemies a pre∣tence for sacrificing her that misery was reserved for her daughter Perhaps even at the moment she laid that beauteous head so many hearts were born to wor∣ship on the block every agony of death was doubled by the knowledge her daughter brought her there—Why did I not perish in the Recess by lightning Why did not the ocean entomb me Why why oh God was I permitted to survive my innocence In the wildness of my afflic∣tion I cursed the hour the fatal hour when
I ventured beyond the bounds prescribed me Yes love love itself was annihilated and could I once have believed it deep∣ly did I wish I had never seen Lord Lei∣cester Passing from paper to paper I saw friends and enemies unite in the eu∣logium of the Royal Martyr What mag∣nanimity what sweetness what sanctitude did they assign to her—a bright example in the most awful of trials—Subliming the idea of revenge inseparable from hu∣man nature she centered it all in compa∣rison—And what a comparison—casting off the veil of her mortality to darken over the future days of Elizabeth the radiant track of her ascension concentered while it dimmed the eyes of those sur∣rounding nations who too late bewailed their shameful inactivity Spirit of the Royal Mary oh thou most injured sighed out at last my exhausted soul from that blessedness to which the wretch now levelled with the dust perhaps too early translated thee beam peace and pardon Assuage the horrors of the involuntary sin and oh receive my life as its expia∣tion
or a little but a little soothe its sad remainder
Yet vain and uncertain were all my ideas respecting the discovery I imputed to Elizabeth Convinced nothing had ever been entrusted to friendship I was assured nothing could have been betrayed In the bosom of my sister our mutual se∣cret rested and there I imagined every motive must bury it I reviewed every paper once more alas I only added to my affliction by observing the name of Ellinor industriously avoided Lost in conjecture it was some time ere I per∣ceived one letter my robe half covered I prest to my lips the writing of Lady Arundel
Scarce dare I allow myself time to congratulate you my most honoured friends on escaping the deadly rage of Elizabeth so much do I know you long for news of your sister Alas that I could return in that information the pleasure yours gave me Called to visit Lady Pem∣broke whose danger was too sudden for me to be apprized of it Ellinor returned
to Court the very hour my Lord and you left it Filling the place of my sister who ought to have been in waiting by this means she was unfortunately present at the time the Queen perused Lord Lei∣cesters explanatory letter Unbounded in her resentment she levelled it all against the unfortunate Ellinor and in severely taxing her with treachery and guilt dropt expressions by which your sister learnt the dangerous situation your flight had unfor∣tunately placed her in as well as the evils to which you both stood exposed Grief fear and indignation almost deprived her of reason and the Queen insisting her silence proceeded from obstinacy threw at her a large book she had been reading which striking the sweet Ellinor on the temple she dropt senseless at once The other ladies cut her laces and the eager eyes of the Queen were attracted by a small pacquet suspended to the black rib∣bon she always wore round her neck Not even the surprizing effect its contents took on the Queen has ever enabled any one to guess at them colour strength and
speech for some moments forsook Eliza∣beth when recovering her faculties she once more perused the memorials then deliberately tore them into atoms and summoning Walsingham and Burleigh all her attendants save the old Lady La∣timer retired From the Court Ellinor was conveyed that night though by whom or whither is yet a secret Love and friendship are however incessantly employ∣ed in her favour nor can her prison long remain so when once it is discovered Were I to name the most ardent and anx∣ious of her lovers I should surprize you but he shall only be known when with conscious pride he presents her to you and claims his reward
The profound policy Elizabeth has al∣ways preserved with respect to Lord Lei∣cester since his flight is far from being satisfactory to his friends She speaks of him only in an indifferent light and as if employed by herself while all that passed between them almost every body under∣stands though no one dares to say so It seems indeed as if her rage had been di∣verted
from him by another object I need not name her here Alas how se∣verely are you both revenged on the Queen The galling chain from which she has at last enfranchised Mary writhes round her own heart and if it would gra∣tify you to see her tremble believe me you need only see her Obliged to avow remorse to give an example in the severity of her mourning for a deed only her own will could have authorised she has the misery of knowing her murdered royal prisoner enthroned in Heaven and em∣balmed in the tears of even her own peo∣ple Never more will Elizabeth taste of peace for that indeed can only dwell with innocence
The full conviction Elizabeth had in∣curred the abhorrence of all the world by this horrible infraction of the rights of royalty society and sex a little gra∣tified my exquisite resentment Yes sighed I Heaven has invented a punish∣ment proportionable to her crime Coun∣teracting by one stroke the policy of her whole life she has permitted herself to be
known and of consequence execrated Destined to survive her youth her virtue her fame and her happiness although encircled with a diadem her weary head shall vainly seek one faithful tender bosom to repose on Those fiery passions so often destructive to others wanting now an object must prey upon the heart that conceals them till envying the glorious end as she ever did the distinguished bloom of Mary Stuart her fate is wound up in fears of her offspring In vain her cruel care would extirpate them every crime will but give birth to a new fear and the martyrdom of the Queen of Scots will multiply the causes of her terror since she now knows more than one child survives her
As the evening closed this billet was given me from my Lord—
The heart which has long bled by anticipation for your sorrow demands to partake it with you Oh my sole love deny me not a share in your compassion Fearful every moment I should lose the daughter the fate of the mother struggled
with that grief in my soul nor durst I communicate it till concealment became impossible—I do not ask you to be com∣forted weep on my dear Matilda but weep in my arms for what have I left in life if you forget to love me
This little billet happily calculated to awaken the softer passions drew forth my tears in great abundance I reproached myself with violence and unkindness Let me not cried I while so severely lamenting one error be guilty of another Lost to the duties the claims oh Heaven that I should be so of a daughter those of a wife ought to assume a double influ∣ence Yes chosen Leicester I am yours am ever yours if this oppressed heart does not wholly dissolve in sorrow you will one day be again its only object and sacred from this moment be the rights of all united with me I collected my wild afflicted thoughts and raising them in prayer a blessed composure overcame the agitations of my mind Passing into the next room where I heard my Lord walk∣ing I threw myself into his arms Oh
you whom I have so fatally loved faltered I you who are now nearly my all fill• up if possible every avenue to my heart and guard it from retrospection He an∣swered not a word but pressing his cheek to mine our tears mingled
I see too plainly the truth the fatal truth said I recurring to Lady Arundells letter Lovely illfated sister it was you then who accelerated our hapless mothers death That Elizabeth knew me for a daughter of the Stuart line she took a deadly means to certify but how she dis∣covered it must ever have appeared mi∣raculous without this letter I plainly per∣ceive my sister indiscreetly wore the du∣plicate proof of our birth its dearest and best testimonial while mine is yet trea∣sured in the secret cabinet at Kenilworth and this in one moment destroyed her own peace and determined the fate of her mother Oh most inexorable Could thy vengeance demand more than one victim Is then the daughter silently sa∣crificed on the lamented grave of her pa∣rent Never more beloved sister of my
blood and heart shall I behold thee never more draw comfort from thy sweet accents nor with thee pierce through the veil of futurity and catch gleams of golden days Doubtless Elizabeth ima∣gines this the only authentic proof exist∣ing Oh if in consequence of that opi∣nion she touches the innocent life of El∣linor I will offer incontestable evidence alike of Marys marriage with Norfolk and our birth at the foot of Henrys throne He is famed for justice and ge∣nerosity I am alas the helpless object of both The family of Guise will unite to protect me perhaps all Europe will aid too late the powerless King of Scots and save him from feeling his impotence of royalty
Unable entirely to share unwilling in the least to controul my tender feelings for my family Lord Leicesters life could not at this period be called happy Miss Cecil again appeared our guardian angel As an intermediate person she felt for she soothed both till my irritated passions meliorated insensibly into sadness I be∣gan
to listen to the flattering hopes conti∣nually instilled that my sister still lived and some fortunate event might yet restore her to us My Lord was assured by the united testimony of his friends that Eli∣zabeth had no pretence for impeaching him and Henry learnt with pleasure his design of fixing his residence in France Thus again our peace seemed reestablish∣ed on a better foundation than it had yet been and I devoted my attention for the present solely to recompencing my Lord for all he had renounced in my favor
Overwhelmed with the repeated solici∣tations of Lady Mortimer I at last sum∣moned resolution to set out for Rouen from whence we had been supplied with every accommodation suitable to our rank That city having long been distinguished as the refuge of every noble exile my Lord fixed on it for our residence my relation to Lady Mortimer ensured me every ho∣nor and Lord Leicesters name would soon form us a little court That crisis now approached very near which both consi∣dered with joy and terror and it appeared
some relief to be in the care of a Lady whose experience and tenderness might lessen my sufferings Lord Leicesters unwearied indulgence and anxious consi∣deration every hour endeared him more to me and I gladly on reflection com∣pounded with fortune for all her other se∣verities since the first object of my heart was still unaltered
Averse to being known ere we had formed a suite and selected a habitation he gave Lady Mortimer notice that we should not arrive till night As we past through the gates of Rouen escorted by her train my heart beat high with the idea of meeting the sister of the noble Norfolk the only being my own ex∣cepted allied in blood to me She met me at the entrance of a saloon I clasped her hands with emotion I wept upon I pressed them to my bosom She em∣braced me with extreme composure and holding me back a moment ran over my features and person with so keen a scru∣tiny as convinced me sensibility was not her characteristic While due compli∣ments
passed between Miss Cecil my Lord and her I in turn indulged my∣self with an examination Her person was fullsized tall and graceful like all the family of Howard her features visi∣bly marked both by age and decayed beauty her dress simple being like my own of mourning and her manners strongly conveyed the idea of magnifi∣cence Dignity tinctured with austerity marked her conversation and I felt to my great regret I had gained a relation without winning a friend Two monks to whom she paid a profound deference an old officer of the Mortimer family and his sister were introduced to us as persons entitled to share our secret and we saw it indeed lodged with them ere our consent was demanded Lord Lei∣cester was struck disagreeably at this dis∣covery but struggled with his pride and affected good humour while finding my∣self after all my dangers under a roof sanctified by alliance and where my Lord seemed restored to his proper sphere plea∣sure dilated my whole soul and I sat
down to a sumptuous entertainment pre∣pared on the occasion with an appetite I had long wanted
She avoided in consideration of my state and fatigues entering into our af∣fairs and brought her own before us with a kind freedom assured us of the friendship of her eldest son Lord Morti∣mer who preferred the pleasure of liber∣ty in both his religion and actions by serving in the wars of France to seeking a precarious fortune in England un∣der an enemy to the Pope The landed property once the inheritance of the Mortimers her Lord had prudently dis∣posed of ere the return of Philip to Spain in whose service he had ever continued and that Monarch famed as he was for meanness and ingratitude had shewn a signal sense of the attachment by a grant to her youngest son of a considerable por∣tion of land in Jamaica which he had cultivated under such indulgences as made it every day more valuable His marriage with a Spanish lady had united him more firmly to their government and interests
but having lately had the misfortune of losing his wife he had yielded to the in∣treaties of his mother to visit France and was hourly expected Occupied with her own narration she no longer remembered I was weary Miss Cecil however re∣minded her of the hour and we were con∣ducted to a magnificent apartment
Lord Leicester slightly touched on the little disgust he had justly conceived and indulged a drowsiness which I could not immediately partake New objects had awakened my fancy and invaded my rest images more pleasing than had blest me since the moment I had quitted Kenil∣worth Castle enlivened my soul Yes my Leicester said I softly grasping the hand of my sleeping love for me thou shalt no more be endangered and de∣graded beyond the reach of our enemies we may now laugh at all their impotent malice Ah vain and presumptuous a deadly snare was at that moment winding round my heart and a punishment pre∣pared which pierced it through the bosom of security Alas madam this night of
promised peace proved the aera in my life and became so by a misfortune which ab∣sorbed the sense of every other How how shall I recall the scene and preserve recollection enough to paint it Drop∣ping into that soft lethargy which fore∣runs sleep—ah why had I not been bu∣ried in the deepest but I was born the fate of all I ever loved It was my pecu∣liar misery to raise the hand which cut them off from all but my memory and oh to weep thro life the errors of too soft a heart—Sinking as I have already said into slumber I fancied I heard a noise in the room—Starting up with a fear habit made almost intuitive I awakened Lord Leicester who instantly drawing aside the curtain I discerned with inexpressible horror by the pale light of a lanthorn many men surrounding the bed with le∣velled arms while one with an imperious voice called out to him to surrender to the Queen of England At that fatal sound my very soul recoiled but my Lord not deigning to answer drew a sword always laid under his pillow and haughtily com∣manded
them to leave the chamber The men advancing he aimed at the one near∣est him who by instantly retreating jarred the arm of his companion The flash of death the tremendous sound the falling of the sword—all all confirmed in a moment my fate—Lord Leicester the worshipped of my soul—my all on earth—alas almost my all in heaven sunk into my weak arms in a last convul∣sion—That which at the appointed pe∣riod will annihilate nature can alone surpass the impression of the moment Terrible too was the confusion of these wretches at so unforeseen an event The faint light they carried gleamed over those features so adored He tremulously raised my hand to his lips and gave up his soul in silence on my bosom
But who shall speak the misery of my mind Precipitated like the offend∣ing angels at once from heaven to hell an awful silence took place of lamentation Oh it was a woe too mighty for complaint Insensible to fear I at length desperately urged his murderers once more to unite
those they had thus separated I bathed my bosom in the blessed crimson which still flowed from his and called alike on heaven and man to end me Alas the only object of my hopes my fears my cares my wishes was congealing before the eyes of the forlorn wretch condemned to survive him The entrance of Lady Mortimer wrought grief up to phrenzy and for many days gave that relief to all my agonies
Reason dawned upon my disordered soul like light through chaos A dim re∣membrance of what I had been preceded that of what I was Faintly I recognized even the weak hand with which I drew back the curtain I found myself in a narrow cell lighted only through an ob∣scure casement of painted glass Intui∣tively my lips pronounced the name of Leicester—in vain—Nothing but my own voice returned upon my ear and the lonely dungeon in which I beheld myself enclosed overwhelmed me with so deadly a chillness that the shutting of my eyes appeared a degree of relief Thought
rose tumultuously on thought till in one moment the terrible whole flashed upon my mind I seemed once more in that magnificent bed which from the peaceful asylum of love an instant con∣verted into the bier of death—once more I caught that last last look indelibly im∣pressed—and felt once more my heart congeal with the lifeblood which sprung in torrents from his I started up once more in wild despair and wringing my hands groaned forth his name in accents so piercing that they roused the withered attendant allotted me from her undisco∣vered palletbed at the foot of mine Hurrying towards me she muttered some∣thing I did not understand Heavens cried I surveying her habit in amaze∣ment for till then I had never seen a nun where am I surely in the Recess and the grave has given up its former in∣habitants for my relief and comfort— Jesu Marie cried she in French which I very imperfectly understood will this poor thing never recover her senses Ah no added I answering myself that
fatal language confirms every dire recol∣lection inform me you who are I know not why interwoven in my fate where where is my Lord if all that flashes over my soul be but a wandering of intellect and he yet lives She cast down her eyes muttering Yes my poor child you are sensible by that question Vain vain hope cried I bursting into tears and returning to my native tongue yet oh alive or dead he is the all I re∣quire restore him but restore him a dear a sacred duty attaches me even to his ashes Lead me to them since they are all now left me and allow me to lament at leisure She shrugged up her shoulders implying she did not thoroughly comprehend my language and crossing herself denounced eternal perdition on me if I longer thought of a heretic who seduced me from the true faith and who of consequence became a dreadful example of vengeance charg∣ing me to adore the holy Virgin Mother who had by so gentle a punishment re∣called me to the Catholick church Yes sainted Leicester in the infatuation of her
bigotry she dared to term thy death a gen∣tle punishment Indignation throbbed through those pulses grief had nearly stilled and I gave vent to all the an∣guish of my soul abjured with an ag∣gravated contempt the erroneous faith of my ancestors bewailed too late the cre∣dulity inspired by my own—execrated the cruel the treacherous Lady Mortimer and demanded my liberty with a spirit that perplexed and surprized the Nuns Alas I perceived at the same moment by the increasing number who now ga∣thered round my bed how vain either threats or intreaties must prove in that in∣stance The Superior approached and in an authoritative decisive voice informed me Lady Mortimer in right of her re∣lationship had placed me entirely under their care and protection relying on their pious endeavours both for the recovery of my reason and my principles nor could I make so good a use of the first as to apply it solely to the recovery of the latter in∣stead of idly lamenting a loss which alone could have preserved my soul They
called the noble husband of whom their illiberal tenets had just deprived me an heretic an outcast of society a wretch not worthy interment I heard without replying but my soul was not silent I appealed to the Most High and he will not forget me Oh in the awful day of retribution dreadfully will he distinguish the bigotted dictators in religion
Happily for me they understood less of my language than I did of theirs which perhaps saved me from a harshness which must have added the ruin of my constitu∣tion to that of my peace
You will be astonished madam at my surviving such unceasing complicated mis∣fortunes and above all the loss of my beloved I regard it myself with wonder and impute my strength both of body and mind solely to the knowing no pause in my sufferings Driven from one fatigue to another from one agony to another lamentation was continually suspended ei∣ther by amazement or that necessity for exertion which gives a spring to all but the weakest minds and counteracts despon∣dency
Grief I may affirm from sad ex∣perience cannot be fatal till it stills and condenses every other passion
Left at last with only that miserable companion my own heart I ruminated at leisure Deprived of Lord Leicester happiness revenge name fortune every charm in existence every right in soci∣ety entombed alive ere the ashes of my Lord were allotted a resting place I re∣viewed my whole fate with astonishment Often wearied with suffering did I me∣ditate giving up a life no longer endeared to me and quietly pursuing my souls better part Alas the unborn cause of all my late dangers would still recal still hold me down to suffer Yes precious remnant of my love sole pledge of past felicity last of the mighty Dudley line sighed I I owe thee the painful blessing of existence I owe thy noble fathers me∣mory justice I know the profound the execrable policy of Elizabeth nor doubt her escaping the slightest censure unless I appear—and shall I shall I oh Lei∣cester living or dead forsake thee shall
she who cost thee every worldly good allow thy honour thy fortune thy life to be annihilated without one effort to retrieve either No since revenge is the little all now left me let me secure that little Disappoint oh God the weak and enthusiastic views of my unworthy relation permit me to convey from this unhallowed grave the honoured ashes of my love let them overwhelm Elizabeth with late contrition and fruitless shame and then oh then allow me to bequeathe to my trembling babe that life I no longer wish to groan under
To effect any part of these complicated designs I found it absolutely necessary to stifle in a degree my feelings and sub∣mitting to a dissimulation my soul abhor∣red I requested to see that woman who was more terrible to my eyes than any thing human Elizabeth excepted This request flattered the Nuns with the hope of my conversion and a little opened their hearts towards me I now learnt that the wretches who robbed my days of comfort imputed the event solely to ac∣cident
nor pleaded a commission beyond conveying Lord Leicester to England and even that in so private a manner as shewed them without legal authority—The whole had been conducted with so profound a secrecy that neither the de∣sign nor event had ever reached the know∣ledge of the police to prevent which the body of Lord Leicester had been im∣mediately brought into an outer vault of the Chapel of the Convent where it had been embalmed ready to send over to England if such should be the pleasure of the Queen which as it appeared was all they considered The jewels and mo∣ney both Lord Leicester and myself pos∣sessed when we entered the fatal gates of Rouen seemed to have departed with him as well as all information respecting the lodgment of those sums I have al∣ready mentioned and I saw myself for all that fortune once promised me inhe∣riting only a weed
As I endured with patience the religious visitations and homilies of the Nuns as well those of various Monks who united with
them in converting me Lady Mortimer in a few days consented to judge of their cares by seeing me This insolent woman con∣sidered the visit as a condescension and hardly held out a hand mine shuddered again to touch Unmoved with my pale∣ness my condition or my habit she calmly discoursed with the sisterhood and the Monks while I continued drowned in tears no human effort could stifle A gentleman who I understood was her younger son addrest me with the voice of sympathy uninfluenced by his mo∣thers pious prejudices he spoke of my misfortune as the first on earth and of Lord Leicester as the man who most de∣served to be lamented and bewailed the delays in his passage which made him un∣happily arrive too late to succour either He spoke too in English The words the manner the language sunk into my soul and a saint hope they struck out en∣abled me to support the ensuing conver∣sation Lady Mortimer addrest me with an air at once tenacious and haughty treated me like a mere girl who to a
blind and unpardonable passion had made perpetual sacrifices of every solid duty of religion and morality represented me as the sole cause of my mothers martyrdom a sin no penance could ever expiate men∣tioned with horror that union which wanting the sanction of the Pope could not by her be termed a marriage and valued herself on the happy plan she had laid to separate us It appeared the in∣formation of our place of residence passed from her to Elizabeth who bargained for the secret delivery of Lord Leicester to her emissaries a request Lady Mortimer complied with gladly as the easiest and most effectual means of reuniting me to the Church The plan of seizing him at midnight had she owned been concert∣ed by herself as that was a time when he could neither resist nor I follow him to create any alarm a circumstance she dreaded beyond any other thing From the bloody consequence of this treachery she affected to acquit herself though without expressing any sorrow on the oc∣casion
Oh negative sin groaned I inwardly oh dire collusion wanting courage to act an ill are you when preacquainted less guilty in not preventing it the laws of England reached not hither nor was Lord Leicester amenable by those laws wherefore entice and murder him be∣neath a roof alliance and hospitality should have doubly consecrated Wherefore but that the commonest inn would have pro∣tected him Tears and sighs being all my comments on her speech she joined the monks in elaborate exhortations in high promises of presenting me to all my mothers partisans and rendering me the head of the English Catholic par∣ty whenever I voluntarily recanted my errors or if I persisted in them antici∣pating the judgment of Heaven she re∣solved to punish my apostacy by an abso∣lute seclusion within the walls which at present confined me Faint and over∣come I promised to deliberate and with difficulty obtained the only request I ven∣tured—the sad indulgence of weeping over the coffin of Lord Leicester
I could hardly fail to discover through this veil of simulation pride and bigotry a strong selfinterest The agreement for delivering up Lord Leicester very highly offended those laws which protected Lady Mortimer and to which she must have answered had the intention only trans∣pired but when to that was added his murder his midnight murder in a city chiefly composed of Huguenots hardly dared she guess at her own danger The narrow faith which embosomed her among Catholicks proved in this instance her safety since united in her danger as well as principles they were resolved to ven∣ture the utmost to secure her Every subsequent day confirmed my opinion and the absolute necessity of winning me over or entombing me alive made the Nuns omit no care or indulgence after once I seemed to listen to them
Fearful of rousing all my passions and reviving every prejudice by conducting me to the dreary unhallowed vault Lord Leicester was laid in and not daring to bring his sacrilegeous ashes within their
own Chapel the Nuns amused themselves with decorating his sepulchre with all the pompous insignia of death—Ah vain attempt to sadden anguish Can midnight tapers suspended black or waving plumes relieve those eyes which seek in vain their only object or gratify a heart writhing under the iron hand of calamity Can mortal prayers ensure immortal happi∣ness or can selfsainted wretches bribe the Almighty even with the ore his boun∣ty lavishes Preposterous blindness— Such were my mental replies to all their enthusiastic harangues and this illchosen moment of assailing me only fixed my fluctuating religious principles On the coffin of Lord Leicester my secret soul pronounced a vow solemn and irrevoca∣ble to know no heaven but his nor seek it in another manner Thou too oh most beloved wert present—but not to me—no more my eyes were to imbibe pleasure from the lucid beams of thine —no more my soul was to mingle with thine effusions which so often had ena∣bled me to sustain the malevolence of
fortune Ah no thou thou alone wert by a strange transition become my sovereign grief and the cold lead which feared up dust so precious enclosed at the same moment the heart of thy sad widow
I had in vain enquired for Miss Cecil the Nuns assured me they knew only from my delirium that such a person existed and Lady Mortimer inexorably refused to inform me whether she still did so Deeply I lamented the loss of the only friend who could have soothed by sharing my affliction Death had hallowed her passion with rights scarce inferior to my own and my heart too frequently felt none but those who loved could lament Lord Leicester as he merited
Mr Mortimer soon became the medi∣um between me and his mother despair∣ing to touch her impenetrable soul I employed every moment of loneli∣ness in subduing her sons Slowly I unfolded my views and slowly he too listened to them yet he did listen Fear∣ful that every hour would add a new in∣convenience by the birth of that poor
babe for whom I suffered such unremit∣ting calamity and dubious whether the pious policy of the nuns might not snatch it as soon as born from my feeble arms as well to ensure my stay as my abjuration new terrors sprung up in my soul I could not but perceive an interested mo∣tive actuated him reduced however to owe my freedom to any thing I ap∣peared blind to a tenderness every cir∣cumstance forbad him to avow A very few days determined him and he in∣formed me he had secured an English vessel the crew of which were to be his only assistants How slowly is hope ex∣tinguished and oh how swiftly does it revive actuated with the most impatient desire of escaping I made even my grief subservient to it and proposed to the nuns periodically to watch in the vault with Lord Leicester a sad ceremony their religion permitted and mine did not forbid being told it would be easier to force a way into this than the interior parts of the Convent Mortimer had himself directed in conveying thither my
departed Love and allowed it to be an easy means of escape and perhaps the only one
I past part of several preceding nights in the same manner accompanied by different nuns to lull suspicion were it possible any should have arisen What quick what multiplied what various emotions foreran the appointed time Every eye seemed to dive into my design and every heart seemed intent to coun∣teract it I found it impossible to obtain the privilege of watching alone and shi∣vered lest my deliverers should arive ere my pale companion was summoned or I should want strength to prevent her alarming the sisterhood Fortunately the night proved severely cold and observing she was no sharer in my penance I re∣commended to her to retire to her cell and rejoin me when the mattins were over Disgusted with her employment and already frostnipt she sullenly com∣plied and left me alone with the cof∣fin of Lord Leicester—Lost husband of my choice Oh ever dear and ever la∣mented
sighed I kneeling before and invoking the senseless lead not for her∣self is thy Matilda thus anxious to vin∣dicate thy honor to preserve the preci∣ous earth which once was part of thee and that which will soon become so is all the use she now can make of freedom An awful silence which seemed only in∣terrupted by the throbbing of my pulses succeeded Regardless of all those em∣blems of death which harrow up the minds of the happy I knew no fear but of the living The bell struck upon my heart the decisive twelve A jarring in the farthest vault reached my ear ano∣ther opened I heard the feet of men another yet I was environed by my de∣liverers and one spark of pleasure ran through my cold frame as I raised my head from the coffin of Lord Leicester Fly fair Matilda cried the impatient Mortimer snatching my hand to raise me—Stay generous friend and hear me said I with firmness You rescue only half of me if you leave the ashes of my
Lord behind Would you part a miser from his treasure rather will he be mas∣sacred upon it There is enclosed the whole of mine bear that likewise away or entomb me with it for never I swear by him in whose presence we were united never will I alive or dead consent to part with him Offended at so unexpect∣ed a demand he urged the difficulty and the danger with a harshness I thought him incapable of nevertheless the place and time allowed not of long delibera∣tion and finding me inflexible he at last ordered the sailors to convey away the coffin likewise An order they only complied with from taking the metaphorical phrase I had used of a treasure in a literal sense Attached to Lord Leicester be∣yond mortality I always felt protected when he was present and with ceaseless care watched my deliverers convinced they would be but too ready to leave so great an incumbrance behind
They bore me with swiftness to the banks of the Seine where a boat waited and the tide favoring we soon reached a
ship of considerable burden which weigh∣ed anchor immediately Agitated with a thousand remembrances that of Mor∣timer hardly occurred to me till the ves∣sel was under fail and I still perceived him on board I had ever understood he was to leave me as soon as I was placed in safety I reminded him of this pro∣mise I will leave you fairest of women cried he eagerly grasping my hand when you are placed in safety if you still are cruel enough to desire it But can I quit you now or venture to set foot in a coun∣try where I have for your sake violated the most sacred law and exposed myself to condign punishment I should have found reason enough in this answer but that his stifled shortbreathed joy his ungovernable ardor impressed my secret soul with terror and robbed freedom of all comfort
I found in the cabin to which he con∣ducted me a woman allotted to attend me who strongly recommended that re∣pose my fate had long denied the mis∣fortunes from which I had escaped united
with those that still threatened me to fill my whole soul and willing to avert the fearful anticipation I entered into some common discourse with my atten∣dant I found with infinite astonish∣ment that she was a midwife and pro∣vided with every necessary for the ex∣pected babe I should have considered this as the most tender obligation but that a fatal doubt had sprung up in my heart and suspended every generous emo∣tion Alas it soon matured into certain∣ty The vain and eternal fondness which made me insist on having the coffin of Lord Leicester placed in the cabin al∣lotted for me at first seemed to inspire in Mortimer that horror common to weak or guilty minds at sight of such an aw∣ful memento a few days rendered it fa∣miliar to him A passion he no longer concealed led him for ever into my pre∣sence neither the unburied dead the black which seemed to envelop my wi∣thered heart as well as form nor the sad circumstances in which I was widowed any longer operated on his imagination
I too plainly perceived he considered me as his own and only waited my recovery to avow his unwarranted pretensions What dire vicissitudes of fear did my timid soul experience I saw myself entirely in the power of this man forlorn of every hu∣man aid hopeless helpless save in the mercy of the Almighty —Oh thou su∣preme sighed I hourly raising my streaming eyes to Heaven thou whose omniscient breath rolls on this mighty world of waters oh grant that they may prove my safety or my grave
A little gallery ran before my cabin whither I sometimes went for air De∣voured with reveries like those recapitu∣lated I one evening found them inter∣rupted by the voice of a woman singing The elegance of her manner and the sweet∣ness of her tone convinced me it could not be my coarse attendant nor did I know the ship contained another female save myself Wrapt in astonishment and curiosity every sense subsided into ear I recognised a favourite hymn a hymn so swelling solemn and sublime that
my charmed soul pursued the subject al∣most to Heaven She changed to death—one tone one deep one dirgelike tone struck on my vibrating heart and almost silenced every pulse A loud cry with the name of Rose burst from me—the noise of a person falling succeeded and the singing ceased I ran wildly up to the deck and loudly demanded my long lost friend of the astonished Morti∣mer Confused beyond the power of de∣ceiving me he opened a cabin immedi∣ately over my own Ah with what tu∣multuous emotions did I raise the muchloved muchlamented partner of my fate slowly she recovered from the stupor surprize had occasioned a thousand re∣membrances endeared the pleasure of the reunion as many annihilated all sense of pleasure Embraces and tears at length subsided As soon as alone I questioned her concerning the interval the dire de∣cisive interval—Waked by the universal confusion said the fair Rose with bitter sobs which succeeded the fatal accident of the night that parted us I demanded
you my friend with frantic ardor but in vain A man I soon understood to be the son of Lady Mortimer who was concealed in the house when we arrived shortly after entered my apartment and ordered others who attended him to con∣vey me on board the ship which brought him from Jamaica Tears and intreaties were fruitless and in the dead of night I was conducted to the banks of the Seine and rowed to this vessel in which I found myself imprisoned without the least hope of meeting you I soon learnt from the coarse jests of the sailors that their owner was an unprincipled villain in all respects and more especially where women was concerned every hope of an escape was finally taken from me by my having the illfortune to attach the Captain whom fear of Mortimer alone has kept within bounds I understood the vessel was bound for Jamaica and only waited to take in a new cargo Nevertheless I saw that completed without our setting sail and hoped from this the hand of provi∣dence would yet interpose in my favor
Alas little did I imagine it was involving you in the same hopeless desperate situ∣ation— Judge then oh most unfortunate concluded the amiable Miss Cecil what fate awaits us both—rescued from the li∣centious wishes of your cousin his worth∣less heart has only exchanged its object and resigns me as the more ignoble prey to his more worthless companion the little decency Mortimer has hitherto pre∣served towards you this miserable meet∣ing will finally put an end to He now knows you are infallibly apprized of your destination and how will you form your mind to it The island to which we are bound is yet in the hands of a few settlers power is almost their only law and he doubtless does not want that since he ventures to defy every other Never more shall my aching eyes discern the safe the pleasant shores of England those shores they joyed to lose sight of —Alas they then were fixed upon an ob∣ject offended Heaven has punished me by claiming
How how should we resist the numb∣ing power of desperation did not the sa∣cred sense of devotion mostly spring from it and lift the soul above humanity Although more deplorably circumstanced myself by a courageous effort I resolved to soothe and console her and gently preparing her tender heart for the fatal object it was destined to encounter I led her down to my cabin Ah what affecti∣on streamed equal from our hearts and eyes upon the cold memento
Miss Cecil judged too truly and the infamous Mortimer no longer deigned to veil his views perpetually shocking me with free and haughty declarations of his passion It was but too obvious he knew his power and considered his intention of marrying me as the most honourable distinction even at the moment he scoff∣ed at every one custom or nature had established Miss Cecil was not less im∣portuned by a wretch rough as the ele∣ment by which he subsisted and both so regularly visited our cabin that scarce could we call it our own even at the
hours sacred to repose In those eternal conflicts such a situation must cause des∣pair would too often prevail and silently with dubious eyes we fathomed the abyss of waters on which we floated consider∣ing it as the last terrible asylum
In the midst of these horrors the ap∣pointed hour revolved and nature made her agonizing effort In that awful mo∣ment I lost every sensation of fear and resigned myself into the hands of my creator beseeching him to recall the troubled soul which so long had groaned before him with that of the tender babe whose first feeble cries pierced my every sense As soon as my weakness allowed they gave into my arms a girl a dear a fatherless girl who seemed at her first en∣trance into existence to bewail her un∣known calamity An impulse new ex∣quisite unexpected took possession of my soul an impulse so sweet so strong so sacred it seemed as I had never loved till then Feebly straining her to my bo∣som I enthusiastically prayed the Al∣mighty to bestow on her every blessing
she had innocently wrested from me while my fond heart baptised her in its tears Powerful powerful nature how did I worship all thy ordinations No fate can be wrought up to such a height of happiness but some interwoven sorrow chastens us with the sad sense of imperfection nor any so steeped in mi∣sery but some celestial ray streams through this frail mansion of mortality subliming all its sufferings
While my eager eyes gazed unwearied on my newborn cherub and traced in her infant lineaments her fathers match∣less beauty even till they ached with fondness fancy pierced through the veil of futurity to unite each grace of person and of mind and enduing her with all every human claim upon my feelings seemed condensed and revived in this new one Oh hope sweet substitute for happiness whose mental gildings dawn periodically upon the soul like light upon creation awakening and invigorating every active principle of being recalled by this irresistible influence even from
the dark the dreary grave each troubled heart arises and shaking off the heavy dews of sorrow slowly resumes its wonted habits The pale converts of experience no longer dare appropriate the darling object of their wishes but meekly then receive the appointed pleasure prepared alike either to enjoy or to resign it As thus the maternal tye engrafted itself in my soul I perpetually endeavoured to impress that of my dear unfortunate friend with the same train of ideas Alas in vain—Ra∣ther surprized at finding me sensible of consolation than disposed to receive it she gradually withdrew a confidence I did not easily miss and delivered herself up to that cold and sullen despair which un∣settles every principle Intreaties and arguments soon lost all effect on her Starting at times from an impenetrable reverie a broken sigh would overturn all I could urge while continued adjurations produced too often a marked disgust Obliged at intervals to quit the cabin lest even my present situation should fail to protect it from intruders and listen to
the hateful addresses of her boisterous lover often did the seat of reason appear shaken in this dear unfortunate on her return and a vague and extravagant gaiety would suddenly give place to the deepest gloom and inanity I saw these fluctua∣tions with horror and dreaded the mo∣ment when a rude demand of marriage should bring her fate to a climax Ah not without reason did I dread it One evening after a conversation of this kind I perceived her more than usually disturb∣ed Neither my prayers nor the pour∣ing rain could bring her from the balcony where for hours she told her weary steps I started at last from a momentary slum∣ber on her reentering the cabin The dim lamp burning in it shewed her with a slow and tottering pace approaching the last asylum of Lord Leicester sinking by this repository of her breaking heart she clasped her hands upon her bosom with a most speaking sense of woe while over it her fair locks fell wild and di∣shevelled heavy with the midnight rain and shivering to its beatings The wet
pery of her white garments spread far over the floor and combined to from so perfect an image of desolation as froze up all my faculties I struggled for articulati∣on A feeble cry alone escaped me She started at the sound from her icy stupor and glanced her eyes every where with that acuteness of perception which marks a disturbed imagination then with a long sigh sunk once more into herself A se∣cond cry followed by her name my bounding eager heart pronounced She half arose the motion of her lips seemed contending with the drear silence of the moment but not a murmur broke it— amazement horror the wrings of death transfixed me Springing up with ethe∣rial lightness even while her feeble frame shivered with agony and affection she fixed on my convulsed features a long long look then waving majestically a last adieu rushed again into the balcony Unable to move a limb my harrowed soul seemed through the jar of the ele∣ments to distinguish her dreadful plunge into the world of waters A something
too mighty to describe or endure came over me and sense fled before it
How long it was ere my careless atten∣dant came to my relief I know not but a succession of fits accompanied with dangerous shudderings and a raging fever seemed every moment to promise me from the ordination of providence that relief my lost Rose had ventured to pre∣cipitate Whether her fatal example or my sufferings influenced my tyrant his persecution entirely subsided in the short intervals of reason my weakness produced he condemned his own conduct bound himself by the most solemn promises to convey me home and conjured me to struggle for life if not for my own sake at least for that of my infant Alas my babe when my cheek felt once more thy tender breathings I accused myself for wishing to leave thee and acknowledged the sad necessity of living My cruel malady robbing the cherub of her natural suste∣nance it was with difficulty she received any other and the proposal he made me of having her baptized was readily ac∣cepted
That ceremony was performed the same evening Alas my precious in∣fant no velvet pillowed thy innocent face no costly canopies preserved it no noble sponsors with ready arms contended to receive thee no fathers blessing followed that of Heaven thou wert alas given by a sordid nurse to a more sordid chaplain and by a dim lamp within a narrow ca∣bin thy woeful mother raised her feeble head to see the child of Lord Leicester a daughter of the House of Stuart con∣secrated by the name of Mary
Recovered a little from the effects as well as the impression caused by the un∣happy catastrophe of my darling friend I could not fail to adore that gracious providence with whose decrees she had dared to blend her own on learning that the insolent Captain had on that fatal evening by a fall broke both his arms and lost the power of molesting her At first this appeared a bitter aggravation but soon it sunk into my soul and regu∣lated all my future conduct Never ah never from that moment have I ventured
to yield to rashness and despair but when unable to obey I have resolved to en∣dure How severely has this principle been tried How often when over∣weighed by the heavy hand of misfortune have I been obliged to interpose between myself and my fate the fleeting form of the beauteous Cecil escaping my helpless will and rushing uncalled into eter∣nity
The vain hope of returning to England with which Mortimer had flattered me into health daily diminished the altera∣tion of the air united with the discourse of the mariners to prove the period of my disastrous voyage approached I heard the fond the universal shout and that sweet emotion sailors only feel at sight of land agitated every heart but mine Averse and gloomy I turned my hopeless eyes towards a shore where natures lavish hand had spread a fertility which seemed to scorn the aid of art Ah where are now the barren hills the chalky cliffs of Eng∣land sighed I in silence I perceived St Jago de la Vega the only town then
on the island and in the idea of interest∣ing the Governor I rested my last hope I knew not that eager to possess the abun∣dant conveniences my tyrant had brought over I should escape the notice of the inha∣bitants or be considered as living lumber not worth enquiry Confined within the narrow bounds of my own cabin I had the mortification of hearing the cannon and mu∣sick proclaim the arrival and departure of the Governor and Officers after partaking a sumptuous entertainment and on the same evening while intoxication secured the chief people of the island in their own houses I was landed and put into a litter which the slaves of Mortimer bore to∣wards his plantations The few idlers whom curiosity drew round me disre∣garded my adjurations and with cold in∣solence examined my features Their re∣marks were made in a language I did not understand and I plainly discerned they did not wish to understand mine I too late recollected my being unveiled might make them form a false judgment of my character Meek by nature and bowed
to the earth by misfortune I lost all power of contending with my fate and supplicating only the Almighty awaited its dire completion I perceived it was not without reason Mortimer had boasted of his authority with overbearing inso∣lence he now demanded my hand and bade me remember he was there a sove∣reign nor did I see a being who dared even to murmur at his will He pre∣sumed to rally the anguish he occasioned and even sacrilegiously to insult the cold remains of that adored husband whose rights he seemed every moment ready to violate Imagination had long since been exhausted in seeking means of redress Flight was impossible in a country where I neither knew the roads the natives nor whether it supplied an individual willing or able to protect me Many of his Spa∣nish domestics I was not permitted to see those that were allowed to approach me appeared haughty repelling and silent I soon found they compounded with their pride for the servile exactions of duty paid to him by lording it equally over his
slaves who timid by nature and sub∣dued by cruelty seemed to have lost the very wish of any other good than that of existence
Tears sighs and refusals could no longer avert or even delay the sacrifice and having only a few hours of solitude allowed to prepare my mind for the cere∣mony I hushed my smiling babe at my aching breast and wearied alike with mi∣sery and prayer dropt into a slumber A dream represented me in the position I really was—sunk on the ground near the coffin of Lord Leicester Suddenly I per∣ceived the lid was removed I started up impatient to behold the chosen of my heart I saw him once more tho wrapt in the garments of the grave—once more I saw rich life mantling on that manly cheek and those fine eyes mine never beheld without pleasure once more beamed brightness upon me Surprized entranced I made a thousand ineffectual efforts to speak and holding out my new∣born Mary I saw oh sweet though vain delusion a fathers arms enfold her My
senses seemed unequal to the ecstacy im∣penetrable darkness spread over my eyes and a burst of ethereal musick absorbed every faculty Recovering all however in∣stantaneously I looked upward Alas Lord Leicester was ascending with his daughter in his arms I demanded her with agonizing cries and catching at a mantle which yet seemed within my reach it fell upon me like the crash of nature burying me under an immoveable weight I awakened at the moment Tis but a dream cried my scared heart but such a dream as the horrors of the approaching moment alone could counterpoise
Scarce had I recalled my shook senses when Mortimer attended by his Chap∣lain and domestics entered my apartment While the latter were decorating it with Catholic pomp I summoned the small remains of my courage to address the priest who stood ready to mock the re∣ligion he professed—By that awful God to whom you are consecrated hear me cried I sinking at his feet and oh that he may graciously impress upon your
heart the sad protest of mine by bar∣barous hands at once widowed and be∣trayed it is no longer possible for every human power combined to make me happy you you alone may make me wholly miserable If to complete those manifold evils which the Almighty for ends I cannot judge of has permitted me to survive with the violation of every right both of religion and morality can be called marriage and you as the delegate of Heaven dare sacrilegiously to pronounce the ceremony I stand here a devoted wretch the hopeless helpless victim of my duty But mark I adjure you my last declaration I have a will which circumstances can neither alter or bend—delivered up to this abandoned man it is in his power to make me any thing but his wife and against that title my soul will ever revolt and my last breath protest—Unhappy deluded young creature returned the sordid priest in French were my conseience to pre∣vent this marriage it would be from a different motive than those you adjure me
by and such is the horror your obstinate heresy inspires that did I not hope time end a better husbands cares would con∣vert your erring heart hardly would I venture to unite you with a member of our holy church—Submit yourself at once to your fate imperiously said Mortimer for to end your hopes of the churchs in∣terposing in your favor I will frankly acknowledge she put you into my power I turned my hands as well as eyes in speechless astonishtiment towards Heaven Hope not my fair cousin rejoined he with a malicious smile your sentimental innocence can cope with the arts of a sisterhood of nuns Wearied with your obstinacy fearful of your escape they gladly put you into my power to ensure their own safety He paused—my mind took in at once the dreadful truth—My innocence ah rather say ignorance groaned I mentally that fatal error which too se∣verely punishes itself—Hardly ever can I pardon myself the extravagant credu∣lity Scarce could my mother persuade me resumed he that you would be duped
by so obvious a collusion since a single moments reflection must have convinced you never man pervaded the last retreat of disappointed women but by their own connivance and all the precious mum∣mery of the business but heightened the pleasure of the triumph How could I fail to smile to see the coffined spouse borne in the train of the living one who proudly clasped a timid heart which knew not then it throbbed against its mas∣ters Alike unable to utter or suppress the burning indignation this unmanly boast this elaborate wickedness excited I fixed my eyes inflexibly on the coffin of Lord Leicester almost believing heaven itself would effect a miracle in my favor by renovating my only protector The ce∣remony nevertheless commenced when a new event transfixed not only me but every person present A yell wild deep shrill and horrible was succeeded by a tumult universal and tremendous The paleness of death crept upon the cheeks of my late inhuman tyrant who with his confederates turned around his hopeless
eyes for some instrument of defence in vain Impelled by desperation they all rushed out but were instantly driven back by the tide of exasperated slaves Appalled by their ferocious eyes and bloody hands I sunk into a swoon but revived as it were by heavens appoint∣ment to see the last the deadly blow gi∣ven to Mortimer who reeling a few pa∣ces groaned his last on the coffin of Lord Leicester thus signally and memorably avenged Surrounded with death in every horrid form I expected continually the completion of my destiny which I had certainly found but that a Spaniard who was united in the plot of the slaves with the gallantry incident to his nation pro∣tected me in consequence of my sex and wrongs and led me away to their rendez∣vous assuring me I should there find safety Terror almost annihilated my fa∣culties as the ferocious slaves ran back∣ward and forward heaping in these huts the bloody plunder new murders every moment secured Having gathered to∣gether all they thought it expedient to
save they loaded the horses and each other hastening to secrete themselves in those woods which by narrow passes led to impenetrable retreats in the mountains Many were the unintelligible disputes concerning me Many a halfraised arm and inflamed eye glared death upon me but the stroke was as eagerly averted by the interposition of the generous Emanuel Yet perhaps his utmost interest had been unequal to the occasion but that one of the slaves they called Aimor seemed sud∣denly won over to my party He was among the ringleaders of this conspiracy and his decision silenced every murmur Horses were so precious that Emanuel could only procure me one by resigning to his confederates his share of the plun∣der which it had been allotted him to convey
Fury now began to give place to fear and the guilty wretches hastened their de∣parture The march commenced about midnight Silent bewildered awestruck I had meditated on this succession of ter∣rible events without extending my views
beyond the present moment and scarce dared look towards the future To see myself and infant led away thus suddenly into slavery by a wild and unknown peo∣ple feared by the oppressions of their murdered master to all sense of humanity through a country alike wild and un∣known exposed to the insults of two newmade lovers and only safe in the guard they kept over each other how strange the transition in my fate I yet bent my soul to the power who by such exemplary jus∣tice released me from Mortimer and thought every other evil less than being confirmed his wife since that alone was without any remedy but death
Ere we had made any considerable pro∣gress in our fearful journey the rolling clouds became tinctured with a vivid crimson and my companions were seized with the consternation incident to guilt Notwithstanding they had used every pre∣caution to conceal their ravages on the spot from whence they had escaped till out of the reach of danger some unex∣tinguished spark had caught fire and ex∣tending
through the range of buildings I saw the rich though ravaged possessions of Mortimer one universal conflagration The apprehension this diffused through the midnight wanderers gave place in me to a nearer and more affecting remem∣brance Sad and silent tears streamed down my cheeks when I considered the whole riches of his base rival formed but the funeral pile of Lord Leicester Fare∣well a long farewell sighed forth my oppressed soul Oh most beloved Oh most avenged Whatever fate Heaven shall appoint thy persecuted widow hum∣bly let her obey the God who so signally interred thee—Alas a few hours and no memorial of thy existence will remain except that poor babe who feebly trem∣bles to the beatings of her mothers heart No faithful hand shall separate the ashes of the injurer and the injured Yet let me not complain since the fiat of the Almighty shall awfully adjudge the souls this fearful moment enlarges
As Emanuel still walked by me I sought from him to understand the cause
of the present insurrection and the dif∣ferent motives of himself and compani∣ons Those of the slaves said that ge∣nerous protector are like their natures wild and various—my own simply jus∣tice and love The tyrannic Mortimer whose fate no being will ever deplore established himself in this island no less by the favor of Philip the Second than by marrying the sister of the present Go∣vernor Don Pedro de Sylva In that no∣bleman he met a kindred mind mean mercenary oppressive and cruel in one particular alone they differed Mortimer was by nature bold and enterprizing Don Pedro cautious and timid The enor∣mities of the first however always found shelter in the injustice of the latter and Don Pedro not daring to carry on in his own person that piratical and illicit trade which alone can enrich individuals in the infancy of a settlement secretly shared with his brotherinlaw the purchase and the profit while Mortimer was the only ostensible person had any legal enquiry arisen The arrogance cruelty and va∣nity
of Mortimer received a fatal increase by the accumulation of wealth and set him above all restraint Don Pedro conscious he was in his power ventured not to question much less punish his con∣duct The intervals between his frequent voyages destroyed the peace and shor∣tened the days of Donna Victoria the uncomplaining victim of her brothers and husbands rapacious league I came with her into the family as her major domo a post which rendering me a wit∣ness of the brutality of Mortimer soon turned the disgust he generally inspired into hatred I was the foster brother of Victoria and attached to her by a reve∣rence so profound that I insensibly adopt∣ed her wrongs as my own Ungoverned and licentious in every instance but more especially when women were the objects force generally was employed by Morti∣mer where fraud failed to succeed and those domestics alone held rank in his fa∣mily who were readily subservient to his gross and vicious pursuits My views died with my lady and I should gladly have
quitted him to return to Spain but that he meanly retained a considerable sum I had been provident enough to save as well as a legacy Donna Victoria had be∣queathed me Every complaint or even solicitation for my own was silenced with the most haughty threats of perpetual im∣prisonment a sentence I often saw in∣flicted for no greater fault Nor could I ever hope to quit the island as the con∣sent of the Governor depended on that of Mortimer The sense of undeserved op∣pression thus corroded my very soul and prepared me for the incident which at last nerved my arm against the tyrant
Meanwhile the base accomplices of his pleasures and his crimes assumed a so∣vereignty over the miserable slaves which they exercised till invention was exhausted in cruelty and oppression In vain my nature shrunk at the sight of calamities I knew not how to remedy unable to quit the island or recover my money two years elapsed in fruitless and sometimes desperate projects I saw the persecuted slaves ripe for rebellion and only waiting
a favourable moment to rise and sacrifice their train of oppressors and though I did not purpose to join the confederacy I concealed it with a sullen satisfaction till the day which at once determined my conduct Need I say it was that which brought you thither When I saw you alike irradiated by innocence and beauty led into those unhallowed walls—when I saw the tear of misfortune fall on your beauteous babe like the springs chaste dews upon the early blossom I was per∣suaded your nature intuitively shuddered at the monster and I swore to preserve you at the hazard of my life nay even at the moment hope should be annihilated in your heart I joined at once in the conspiracy the hands were ready the head alone had been wanting By various artifices I procured arms for the slaves and fixed the insurrection on the day appoint∣ed for your marriage as that on which Mortimer and his favourites would be wholly occupied and of course unguard∣ed The hand of Heaven surely guided all our operations The various villains
have atoned as far at least as life can atone for their complicated iniquities But alas Madam I did not sufficiently look into consequences It is dangerous to arm the enraged and the ignorant I know too late your life and mine de∣pends on a frail tenure and only solemn∣ly assure you while mine lasts yours shall be safe These uninformed despe∣rate wretches with whom we are sur∣rounded are not the simple happy beings injurious tyranny first found them In∣flicted cruelty has hardened their hearts and the sight of untasted luxuries cor∣rupted them Their own wants have in∣creased with the knowledge of other peo∣ples enjoyments and what they greatly de∣sire they have learnt to go any lengths to attain Why should I conceal from you that your only prospect of safety is the hope of being overtaken though that to me is inevitable ruin The fatal fire therefore which now these entangling woods almost hides from us is of all the wonders of the late evening the most vi∣sible
interposition of Heaven in your fa∣vor
The nobility of sentiment incident to the Spanish nation especially in whatever relates to the softer sex prevented that surprize so romantic as generosity must otherwise have occasioned To gratify a request made with the highest respect I entered into a recital of my own hapless story Aimor with jealous care adhered to that side of my horse not guarded by Emanuel and not comprehending a word of the language in which I spoke de∣pended on his rival for translating it who no doubt gave it every construction most favorable to his own views The infor∣mation that I was the daughter of a Queen ran through the troop and soft∣ened their ferocity but soon on that pom∣pous distinction were grounded vain hopes of some imaginary good they were all to derive from me—from me who was in fact the most helpless and unprotected of all the miserable wanderers
I pondered much on Emanuels re∣mark that my safety could only be ascer∣tained
from our being overtaken but when I considered the desperate state of all with me should that happen hardly dared I hope it Still we journeyed on∣ward through woods the stars of Heaven could scarcely penetrate and when I re∣collected the frightful wilds and moun∣tains beyond them in which myself and babe must infallibly be buried for life how did my heart die within me But when to that fear was added the dread of evils yet more horrible hardly could my senses support the oppression Aimor I was convinced would not want the aid of his whole party and how could I hope one generous individual would be able to struggle with a tide of combining foes But even if Emanuel had the address to ma∣nage them all would not expectations in his own favor hardly less fearful to my thoughts arise in his heart Through the chill windings of the desert woods I raised my soul to him whose eye pervades alike the gloom of midnight and the blaze of noon and something seemed to assure my sinking spirits he rescued me
not from the horrors of the Recess thus to abandon me—I did not err in that devout confidence The dawn of day obliging the body to be more guarded in their march they chose a lone hollow and halted to send forth scouts and re∣fresh themselves Alas I sighed for the poor wretches who seduced by European crimes to a dire imitation of them had wanted foresight to procure themselves the common comforts which alone ren∣der life endurable though overwhelmed with gaudy trifles they knew not how to enjoy
The temporary calm into which they sunk was fearfully interrupted The scouts sent out pressed back with imme∣diate notice that they were intercepted and so hemmed in that it was impossible to proceed a mile farther Though by this notice my own safety was ascertained my very soul partook the misery of my companion The wretched women threw their arms for the last time round their despairing husbands and bathed them with tears so bitter as might wash out
the stains of blood yet recent The men thus totally devoted with a stern and un∣altered brow seized their arms and re∣solved to rush upon the broken parties gracing their own death by making the loss equal to their enemies Even some of their wives rendered furious by the occasion followed with such scattered weapons as they could collect and the rest no less tamed gathered themselves and hapless children round me as if I could preserve them pursuing their friends with a cry might shake the throne of mercy Aimor and Emanuel cast a lingering eye towards the foot of that tree at which I sat apparently the Queen of Sorrow It was dreadful to make a visible distinction at that moment and perhaps embitter their last Laying my babe upon my lap I tendered a hand to each the boon was eagerly accepted Even the savage became humanized an impassioned tear fell on the hand that shuddered at his touch while Emanuel more gracefully obsequious bowed to the earth then over the offered hand and
removing his ardent eye from my face to that of his rival—Adieu most worship∣ped of women cried the gallant Spaniard adieu for ever How many evils does death save us all from
During the horrible interval of blood and slaughter I endeavoured to close my ears to the sound of the firing which was echoed by the agonized groans of the wretches around me The conflict was short and bands of Europeans pierced through those shades where a few mi∣nutes had made so many helpless widows Those guilty but unfortunate women prostrating themselves before the present∣ed pieces endeavoured by the most sub∣missive gestures and offers of their chil∣dren to assuage the wrath of the incens∣ed victors I feebly arose likewise and pressing forward to the apparent leader astonished him with the sight of a white among the survivors I exhausted my little remaining strength in soliciting pro∣tection for myself and child and pity for my companions He heard without com∣prehending me his very soul was in∣tently
fixed on the scattered riches this reduction of the slaves put into his hands and neither myself my daughter or my fate seemed an object worth re∣gard The whole party busily employed themselves in collecting the valuables of every kind and afterwards taking into consideration the human plunder fortune once more restored to them they drove off the female slaves and their children bending beneath the weight of misery fatigue and manacles
Emerging from the depth of those un∣wholesome woods through which I had wandered I lifted my eyes devoutly to∣wards that rising orb which seems no less to give light to the mind than the crea∣tion and called on the pleasing prospect of the future to counteract the horrible impressions of the past Restored by this extraordinary means once more to civi∣lized society my heart acknowledged the charm the simple the solitary charm of liberty and springing forward toward England overleaped every intervening obstacle Convinced by fatal experience
at once of the fragility of human happi∣ness and the persecutions to which na∣tures dearest gifts too often expose us the bright forms of love ambition and glory vanished leaving no image for my fancy to rest on but Content I saw her meek eye lifted to her heavenborn sister Resignation whose hallowed beams streamed through her earthy cottage impearling every tear and my soul sighed after the sad peace of which I found it yet capable The dear unconscious par∣taker of my wayward fate with many an innocent smile revived my spirits and devoted to this only object of my plea∣sures I sought in her to lose the sense of every other care
The curiosity I had at first excited among the whole party extended not be∣yond common enquiries and as I spoke no Spanish and French was but indiffer∣ently understood by either them or my∣self I could hardly hope greatly to inter∣est them in my favor I had made them comprehend I was a near relation of the murdered Mortimer but that circum∣stance
far from interesting seemed rather to alienate and disgust them
It was night ere we reached St Jago de la Vega where we found the inhabitants universally under arms and eagerly ex∣pecting the return of those sent after the rebellious fugitives Confounded with those persecuted wretches—unsheltered from the taunts insults and execrations of an incensed populace I found myself yet the victim of angry fortune and overworn with suffering dropt senseless at the door of a prison where I understood my journey was to end I revived on a miserable bed in a dark room without any companions but conscious of safety as well as free from guilt I recommend∣ed myself to God and sunk into the hap∣piest repose I had known since I passed the fatal gates of Rouen
A black slave brought me some coarse provisions in the morning nor did I know till the evening that it was meant to sus∣tain myself and child for the day It proved however more than sufficient for my constitution which had hitherto
resisted every danger had now received a shock of the most desperate kind Racked with intolerable pains through all my limbs I was sensible too late that my own imprudence had added a malady of body to all my mental sufferings Dur∣ing the last awful conflict when the of∣fending rebels expiated with life the ra∣vages they had committed I in common with the females they had left behind had thrown myself on the damp ground alike through weariness and terror The unwholesome chills from a spot which yet the sun never penetrated stiffened every joint a rheumatic fever was the cruel consequence Alone uncomfort∣ed unassisted consumed by an internal raging fire I groaned I shrieked with intense torture The starts and cries of my little one alone informed me I had done so I hushed her on a bosom I fear∣ed would scorch her and eagerly swal∣lowing whatever liquid was brought me had hardly intervals of sense enough to share it with my babe or sufficiently to provide for her nourishment The days of
this excessive misery were unnumbered— insensibly the fever subsided but left a lameness happier hours and incessant care could never cure
When returning reason allowed me to extend my reflections beyond the present evil I recollected from the time elapsed that my imprisonment must be decided and perpetual Emanuel had told me the Governor was timid mean and avarici∣ous forgetful of this I had informed my conductors of the family tye between myself and Mortimer which rendering me his natural heir this unworthy Go∣vernor had doubtless annihilated my claim to possessions he was resolved to appro∣priate by classing me with the murder∣ers among whom I was found and by an arbitrary proceeding not uncommon there if Emanuel might be relied on sentenced me at once not daring to ven∣ture a judicial enquiry The languor in∣cident to such incessarit sufferings both of body and mind as I had for a course of time endured rendered me less shocked and grieved at this than many other con∣tingencies
It seemed in my power to die and disappoint the malice of my op∣pressors It was only to remit a little a very little care of myself and my consti∣tution would finally give way Perhaps I should have delivered myself wholly up to this idea but that the first great tie of nature still wound round my bleeding heart My fate said I to myself is fully is finally accomplished A sad inheritor of my mothers misfortunes methinks they are all only retraced in me—led like her a guiltless captive through a vindictive mob the object of vulgar in∣sult and opprobrium—like her enclosed unjustly in a prison even in the bloom of life a broken constitution is anticipating the infirmities of age And shall the si∣militude end here No let me like her extract fortitude from each accumulating injury and if the will of my Maker shortens the common term of life alloted to mortality oh let me come into his presence a spotless martyr and thou sweet babe permitted like the palm tree to flourish under oppression surely for
some great end hast thou survived the suc∣cession of calamities which foreran thy existence nor dare thy mother once wish to desert thee
The days Madam thus strangely past on The female slave I have mentioned appeared every morning and performing the common offices of life in silence placed near me the food allotted and va∣nished till the next Imagine not I went on thus without attempting at least to ascertain my imputed crime but I found the poor wretch was so totally deaf that not one word reached her nor did she speak any other language than her own and very imperfect Spanish to which I was a stranger Neither could I convey to her by signs ideas I could find no vi∣sible object to represent the tender graces of my daughter nevertheless operated gradually on the untaught soul of the Negro and I had reason to think she would even have connived at my escape but that such a measure would only have increased my misfortunes while thus without a friend a home or a hope
One only circumstance embittered my mind with distant remembrances the tower in which I was confined adjoined to the fort and had one window com∣manding the sea the other looked toward the inland country The cannon con∣stantly proclaimed the arrival or depar∣ture of every vessel and my eager heart irresistibly impelled me towards the win∣dow But it was not for me they came— no hope of a release—no well known face to greet me—those ships that departed impressed me with ideas yet more painful and gloomy The arms of England distant England often enriched every streamer and my sick soul groaned un∣der the conviction that I must never hope to view the port which would restore those mariners comparatively careless of the advantage to the local ties of coun∣try kindred and friendship to all that gives charms to existence —Haunted by a pleasure which was always in my view without being ever in my reach I could not subdue the killing emotions thus raised in my soul
The growth of my child alone marked to me the progress of time Ah mo∣ment how sweet art thou yet to my me∣mory when first her little voice strove at articulation The blessed name of mo∣ther at length broke the drear silence of my prison and hardly the celestial sounds of hovering Angels had I been launch∣ing into eternity could give me a sub∣limer pleasure I saw her walk with a transport scarce inferior Engrossed by and devoted to this sole object of my eyes and heart which the gracious author of universal being permitted her to fill I no longer repined at my unmerited captivity Only anxious lest any one should suspect my possession of this invaluable gem I felt ready to hide her even when the old slave made her daily appearance The common raiment with which we were pe∣riodically supplied I became ingenious in fitting to her little form and by that insensible contraction of our faculties which extends through nature although it is only observed in the organs of sight I drew into this narrow bound those
fears hopes wishes and employments which in rapid succession fill up our lives and leave behind a remembrance we always revert to with satisfaction and often conceive to have been happiness
Fearful at some intervals left the want of air or exercise should nip my beaute∣ous blossom I devised a thousand little plans to make her run within her narrow bounds and strengthen a constitution born perhaps to trials not inferior to those which had blighted her mothers youth I held her to the window morn∣ing and evening and found the winds of Heaven blew not less pure through iron bars than gilded lattices Ah surely my memory does not err when I say with the poet that
From the children of the firstborn Cain
To him who did but yesterday suspire
There was not such a gracious creature born
For natures gifts she might with lilies vie
And with the halfblown rose
I was one day holding the dear child to the evening air her little hands now
grasped the rough bars and now were extended through them while her inno∣cent tongue beguiled her fond mothers attention when I suddenly perceived a black woman apparently of distinction leaning under an awning raised at no great distance and while she talked bu∣sily to the slaves who were fanning her the eyes of all were turned intently on my infant I snatched her away with an apprehension the most lively I had for years felt I even absented myself from the window for a long time then ven∣turing a glance without approaching near enough to be seen I perceived her eyes were still fixed upon my prison and the repose of that night was wholly de∣stroyed by a vague fear the next day con∣firmed At the same hour she returned again to the same pavillion and after watching the window in vain as I no longer dared approach it she shewed manifest tokens of chagrin and disap∣pointment Alas this was not all My old Negro appeared soon after and de∣livering me an unintelligible message de∣manded
my daughter I prayed wept intreated groaned to the poor wretch whose eyes alone of all her senses seemed affected by my agonies After a thousand incomprehensible signs on her part and resolute refusals on my own she snatched the child from those weak arms which wanted an equal power of resistance and left me stretched on the floor from the lameness I have mentioned
It was long ere I had courage to ap∣proach the window but collecting every power of mind and body I at length ventured thither I saw the darling child seated on cushions at the feet of the wo∣man whose power tore her from me laden with toys and overwhelmed with caresses This however was but a small relief to my maternal anguish while un∣certain whether I had not lost her for ever nor did my apprehensions diminish when I saw the attendant slaves bear their mistress away on a covered couch with my child in her arms Ah then my pri∣son became a dungeon indeed I smote my head against the enclosing bars and
the air echoed to my groans They were only relieved by the return of my old slave who leading in my lamented che∣rub once more blest my arms with the burthen My heart rushed so impetu∣ously towards her that it seemed to ex∣tend through my whole throbbing frame As I surveyed the recovered blessing with added fondness I perceived the gentle black I had so injuriously distrusted had lavishly adorned the tender object of a surprizing attachment Imagine a girl between three and four years old flight graceful fair and blooming whose am∣ber locks the hand of nature had twined into a thousand spiral rings which fell over a loose vest of silver muslin girt with roses her little arms and ancles en∣circled with fanciful bracelets of differ∣ent coloured beads while her hand bore a gilt basket filled with fruits of the country She seemed a being of another world descending to bless this—While yet in the arms of her fable conductor she appeared to me like newborn light reposing on the bosom of chaos I took
the little luxuries she offered and while indulging a sense time and abstinence had almost annihilated I worshipped the hand which thus at length relented
Ah Madam it is only in the early sea∣sons of heavy visitation we dare to repine when misery once reaches the extreme it has always salutary effects Purified en∣tirely from the vain wants and wishes our pride and our passions for a long time re∣present as the very essentials of our be∣ing we then set a due value on the com∣monest blessings and soon find in every thing an enjoyment
When I pondered over the infinite and various advantages my daughter might derive from the partiality of a woman whose authority was great enough to open the doors of our prison my heart became sensible of hopes in her favor I had long ceased to indulge in my own and resign∣ing myself to the prospect I sunk into a repose which might almost be called hap∣py A short time habituated me to pe∣riodically parting with and receiving my daughter always laden with some little
present conducive either to my health or comfort Our benefactress too ever kind∣ly retired to the spot I could command as if desirous to gratify me at the same moment with herself and greatly indeed did she fulfil her purpose I saw in spite of that fatality which had long hung over my unhappy family an exertion of Hea∣ven in favor of my child which encou∣raged me to hope a favorable revolution at some perhaps not distant period while in the tedious interval the means of health and comfort were amply be∣stowed on her and the latter through her means on her exhausted mother
At some intervals weeks nay a month would elapse without my daughters be∣ing sent for by which I concluded some one in still higher authority controled the actions of her Negro friend though the benefits in a great degree remained to us wholesome fruits better provisions more agreeable cloathing and a more watchful attendance I sometimes won∣dered the woman who thus generously alleviated our sufferings never once en∣quired
into their origin but having learnt by painful experience the impro∣priety of judging without information I still flattered myself with the prospect of a release which at the worst I considered as only delayed till I could perfect my daughter in the woeful tale of those later events which thus unjustly confined us
In process of time I understood from my sweet Marys improved accents that our benefactress was named Anana and never from that moment did my soul of∣fer up a prayer in which that name how∣ever unhallowed was not included
The total ignorance in which my daughters mind yet remained shocked and grieved me Being wholly without books I knew not any manner of sup∣plying their place and could only substi∣tute principles for modes and instil into her tender mind the religious and moral documents which yet existed in mine I endeavoured to give her an idea of the nature and appearance of books I every day made her repeat that word a hundred times I charged her to do so immedi∣ately
whenever she visited Anana But whatever the reason I saw her near eight years old apparently without having been able to procure her the advantage or my∣self the relief of reading
Thus innocently and happily employ∣ed I one day saw my prison door thrown open and the interview so long desired unexpectedly granted me Anana en∣tered in mourning I incoherently blend∣ed the dictates of gratitude and sorrow The amiable Anana told me in broken French she came to comfort me Charm∣ed to find it in my power to render my∣self intelligible to her I related briefly my story which her complacency assured me she did not half understand It was with the utmost difficulty I comprehend∣ed from her that Don Pedro de Sylva the unjust Governor who had condemned me without examination was at length dead that she had for some time past been his favorite and used the influence that title gave her to indulge her fond∣ness for my child and lighten my cap∣tivity that it had always been as much
in her power to visit my prison as now but not finding any certain crime imputed to me and sure if I could acquit myself of the suspicion she should become warm∣ly interested in my favor perhaps to the degree of exasperating the benefactor she might then be obliged to despise she wisely forbore gratifying her generous cu∣riosity and contented herself with be∣stowing such marks of her attachment as would not interfere with the rights of the Governor or diminish her own Final∣ly that death had snatched away the only man who could restrain her inclinations and as he had bequeathed her a consider∣able portion of his wealth she had be∣stowed a part of it to obtain from the new Governor a remission of my sen∣tence and having succeeded now came to assure me I should be at liberty to re∣turn to Europe for which voyage her friendship would amply supply me with means company and attendance as it was her purpose to quit for ever a coun∣try where she had lost her only connec∣tion
and seek in another protection re∣ligion and peace
During this discourse I thought my senses almost failed me I made her a thousand times repeat the welcome the surprizing intelligence that I was free and the arrival of her slaves to convey me from the melancholy dungeon I believed the day before would at some future one become my grave alone gave confirma∣tion to so incredible an event But when I really saw myself at liberty when I saw the varied Heavens above my head and the green earth under my feet when the soft fragrance of the almostforgotten blossoms indulged one sense and the sweet founds of congratulating voices blest another I wonder I did not expire with the tumult of mingled emotions this happy moment revived in my heart I raised my soul to him who gave those senses and breathed life into the elements which sustain them and besought him to moderate my feelings or condense them all in gratitude
Blended once more almost miracu∣lously in the concerns of this world I learnt with a thousand sensations no words can describe that Elizabeth had a few months before paid the debt of nature and that my brother James as well by her nomination as the rights of his birth and the voice of the people had ascended the throne of England happily uniting under his sway two kingdoms so many ages hostile as hardly to leave a hope of the event which was now without blood∣shed fully accomplished Time grief and misfortune had so far allayed the ir∣ritation of my mind that I blessed the ordination of providence which thus left my resentment without an object Higher happier and dearer prospects opened be∣fore me and I looked forward with im∣patience to the moment when I should present my smiling Mary to my beloved sister and in the society of connections so precious lose the remainder of my days
Alas Madam I required sentiments like these to sustain me against the con∣viction
that the intense heats of the cli∣mate had united with the want of air and exercise to fix the lameness the rheumatic fever had left and completely debilitate my constitution which has from that pe∣riod been subject to a thousand little wear∣ing nameless maladies that insensibly absorb the spirit of youth and bring on an early old age
Anana actuated by a fondness for my daughter scarce inferior to my own shared with me in every maternal care and ear∣nestly besought me to receive her under my protection on our arrival in England where I had made her sensible I held a distinguished rank Solemnly assuring me it was her intention to bequeath to my sweet child the wealth she derived from the Governor alike to prove her own attachment and as a compensation for our long and unjust imprisonment The state in which she had lived with Don Pe∣dro supplied an objection at which my pride revolted but that almost instanta∣neously gave way to principle I resolved to be above sacrificing the duties of gra∣titude
and benevolence to opinion and remembering her untaught mind knew no tie in wedlock but constancy and per∣haps in that instance might vie with my∣self I sought by cultivating the wild but solid virtues of her soul to bury the remembrance of her former error and fortify her against any future one Open to the pure impressions of religion and morality the amiable Anana promised to become an ornament to human nature but alas a greater power than I could overrule shortened her span and at once determined for us all The small pox always so dangerous in the islands broke out suddenly and swept off hundreds The apprehensions people of Ananas na∣tion ever entertain of it contribute most probably to reader it so fatal She threw herself into such agonies that the erup∣tion soon appeared with the most mortal symptoms Delirious alike with the dreadful malady and her extreme fond∣ness for my daughter she called for her incessantly she strove to break from her attendants and get out of bed in search
of her She intreated me in the most moving broken accents once more to let her hear the little angel she could no longer see to suffer her to give into her little hand the casket she was so soon go∣ing to bequeath her The terrified mo∣ther shrunk in silence from such a conflict Ah what are all the gems she will be∣queath her cried I to that breathing one herself—all now left of my promised fortunes The dictates of gratitude t hen prevailing I would cry but can I refuse the last request however wild and erro∣neous of her who preserved the being she now would involuntarily endanger Finding reason ineffectual towards con∣quering the dying wish of Anana I ac∣quitted myself to her by leading to the bed of infection and death my little trea∣sure with a resignation I could only com∣pare to that of Abraham and like the innocent he would have devoted my child was returned to me The exhausted Ana∣na considering this with justice as the highest effort of gratitude and esteem yielded herself patiently to the will of Heaven which soon called her hence
The sincere concern this loss occasi∣oned gave way to one still nearer my child sickened with the same horrible distemper and centered in anxiety every faculty of my soul It soon however took the most favourable turn and left me at leisure to endeavour to secure the legacy our lost friend had put into my hands The deceased Governor had con∣verted the principal part of the property he realized into diamonds a common practice in countries where justice is par∣tially administered nor did the new Go∣vernor know either their number or va∣lue Anana having followed the directi∣ons of her benefactor in hiding a part and bribing his successor to acquiescence by sharing the remainder I had now gained worldly wisdom enough to adopt the same plan and having fulfilled every duty I joyfully embarked for England accompanied by several slaves who pre∣ferred attending on me to the precarious blessing of liberty under arbitrary power
Ah Madam how different was this voyage from that already commemorated
—from the fallen tree I then continually watered with my tears a tender a lovely scion had sprung up it flourished in the shade it blossomed in sunshine with sweet with gentle hopes I bore it to its native soil No barbarous hand was now lying in wait to destroy it no pestilential wind blew from those cliffs which shot their white arms into the ocean and hos∣pitably invited us to the bosom of peace Ah no a dear though small circle of sympathizing friends would receive the forlorn the widowed wanderer as one arisen from the dead would grace my woeful tale with many a lamenting tear
My sister too my darling Ellinor— how perfect how pure cried my swelling heart will be our reunion how will she fondly fold to her generous bosom this dear child of the ocean—this soothing unconscious fellowsufferer—this early partner in her Matildas wayward fortune —Pause Madam over this fair pros∣pect and let me rest a while my weary fingers and spirits
I STRUGGLED with the sad remem∣brances indelibly impressed on my heart when my eyes again beheld the shore of England and folding to my bosom the dear offspring of love and misfortune I shut up every sense in her Already alive to the anxious hopes and wishes that so early tincture a being with which alone they expire she fondly flattered her∣self with the expectation of an unknown good and impatiently wished for the ter∣mination
of our voyage I landed at Greenwich because the spot where I could soonest learn intelligence of the Sydney family as the people who kept the chief inn I remembered had been servants to Lord Leicester alas I had overlooked the long term of my absence and the probability that they might either be dead or removed Greenwich which I had seen the seat of gaiety empire and magnificence now appeared a dreary so∣litude The tide in silence laved the walls of a deserted palace which verging to decay like its past possessors seemed but a gaudy mausoleum I paused over these fragile memorials of human grandeur as the boat bore me towards the shore and half surmised the strangeness that might await me there I was presently sur∣rounded by a set of unknown faces and after much tedious enquiry learnt that my tender friend Lady Arundell still inhabited her house near Chelsea whither I dispatched a messenger with a billet It demanded a welcome for a poor widowed wanderer and a babe for whose
existence that dear woman was perhaps responsible as it was wholly owing to her indulgence I added I would not ven∣ture one enquiry till I gained fortitude from her presence but doubted not I should have as much to learn as to unfold If as my flattering forebodings informed me my darling sister yet survived I was persuaded by whatever name she was now distinguished she would once more an∣swer to that with transport and fold to her glowing bosom a weary heart which had long fought in vain a resting place but I submitted the discovery and meet∣ing solely to the care and prudence of our mutual friend
I waited not long in suspence for my messenger hastened back with a billet in∣coherent as surprize and joy could make it Fly said the generous Lady Arun∣dell to my arms to my heart to my home—they will ever be open to you and yours—I suspend all explanations till I see you—Ah Matilda dear to my eyes will be that lovely face however changed by misfortune
Grateful as this invitation proved my soul was sensible of a damp and disap∣pointment from the obscurity cast over the interval of my absence and her leav∣ing unanswered my enquiry for my sister I hastened nevertheless to obey the re∣quest The sad meditations which would have engrossed my faculties in passing through London were continually inter∣rupted by the transports of my little Ma∣ry the varying streets filled with gay shops and thronged with finedressed people were a novelty to her of the most charming and interesting nature Ere I could half answer her enquiry into each new wonder it was lost in the next and that chastened pleasure a mother ex∣tracts from blending the sigh of know∣ledge with the smile of innocence claim∣ed its turn in my agitated bosom sus∣pending more powerful emotions but when my eyes rested on the gates of Lady Arundells house those gates from whence I last took my flight so dearly accompa∣nied a pang so pungent wrung my heart that my feeble sense sunk under it and I
swooned away I revived and it seemed rather by the cries and tears of my little one than the remedies of the servants who surrounded me My sweet Mary had climbed up the couch on which they laid me and clasp∣ing her arms round my neck laid her mantling cheek to my pale one and shed deluges of tears I comforted her and feeling my hand pressed by some body who sat almost behind me turned and fixing my eyes on the streaming ones of Lady Arundull I threw myself silently into her arms and felt my very soul dis∣solve upon her bosom Both were half suffocated with feelings too high wrought and the presence of my daughter proved a fortunate relief for drawing me fondly down to her why do you cry mama said the dear one and why does this lady cry I thought we came home to be hap∣py And happy we will be my dar∣ling cried Lady Arundell pressing her to a bosom melting in her favor who can be otherwise blest with such a cherub Can you complain Matilda when Heaven has
left you her—No my admirable friend sighed I I do not complain—my reason reproves those tears my wound∣ed heart will not cease periodically to pour forth this house this room even your tenderness awakens a train of killing remembrances I have in vain endeavour∣ed to arm myself against Here here even here has my soul expanded towards her father with a pleasure of which her∣self and this weed are the only memo∣rials
The entrance of servants with refresh∣ments suspended a little the agitation of both and Lady Arundell obstinately re∣fused every kind of information concern∣ing my sister or friends till the next day insisting I should devote the remainder of the evening to a minute recital of my own story The astonishment its inci∣dents every moment excited in Lady Arundell seemed to make it more won∣derful even to myself Having the happy assurance from her that my sister still lived I gave way to the sweet hope of seeing her and filled up with her idea a cham∣ber
which now appeared more solitary than ever
My impatience concerning my Ellinor could no longer be restrained and when we met in the morning I importunately demanded her story The visible reluc∣tance with which Lady Arundell granted my request confirmed my fears of some dreadful catastrophe and had I not been assured my sister yet lived I should have concluded her loss the fatal event our friend feared to acknowledge but satis∣fied in this instance and having no tie which could comparatively interest me I fortified my mind against the impression of inferior sorrows by the deep sense of those I had already survived
Whatever courage I had collected I needed it all when with that fearful pomp of preparation with which friendship ever binds up the wounds of fate Lady Arun∣dell produced a number of papers most of which appeared to be written by my sister I kissed the dear traces of a hand so beloved Alas those sheets are yet by me and I need only copy them
The Life of Ellinor addressed to Matilda
OH you much loved but little trusted dear sister of my heart whom it fondly pursues through unknown climes where yet perhaps you wander the victim of a fatal attachment receive in these papers if they ever meet your eyes the last testimony of an affection which as it was the first my soul became sensible to so surely will it be the last Oh thou allied to me in destiny no less than blood for we were born alike to be unknown except to each other lo I lay my heart unveiled before you its passions its pride its prejudices condemn them not my sister however they may contradict your own—Estimate duly the silence I have so long preserved the sacrifices I have made sacrifices so much the more meritorious as my soul ever revolted against the mean imposer and submitted but to you I knew the delicacy of your mind and would not add to the weight which hung upon its nobler faculties by a confidence that might wrong at the
same moment your duty Ah no I remembered Williams and was from that moment prudent if not happy—yet as I know too well the horrors of mystery in∣certitude and silence for have I not spent ages in vainly guessing at your fate let me rescue you from a life of surmise by perusing this sad memorial Perhaps this astonishing separation will prove eter∣nal—If then my heart no more shall feel the throb of affection it has always given when yours pressed against it and some∣thing seems to tell me that pleasure shall never more be mine receive in this reci∣tal a last proof of my tenderness and oh my dear illfated sister may it mitigate the keenness of your affliction to learn you have not been the greatest sufferer
In one part of this story I must ever have been obscure and insincere but that Heaven has snatched away the worshipped object of whose character we judged in so different a manner Oh pardon me allgracious Heaven if my opinion has been erroneous—Pause here Matilda if your rising soul has taken the alarm and weigh
well the love you bear me for I shall need it all unless I falsify the fact
On the memorable day when Heaven decided the destiny of the one sister and perplexed that of the other by presenting to the eyes of both the favorite of Eliza∣beth how diametrically opposite were the impressions each took of his character Astonishing that two agreeing in every instance till that moment should for the first time differ in so decided a manner more astonishing that every following day only confirmed the separate judg∣ments The darling alike of art and of nature the eye or mind could demand no more than was comprized in the per∣son of Lord Leicester—but here in my opinion the charm ended His heart not warm by nature had been rendered in a great degree callous from having always passed his life in the chilling at∣mosphere of a Court Unbounded in his projects timid and subtile in his actions tyrannick in his pursuits the object he could not govern could never long attach him Ambition pride and vanity those
leading traits in almost every character were in his so exquisitely blended and corrected by the frost of his nature that they might often be mistaken for nobler passions You were presented to his eyes in early youth a finished pattern of beau∣ty endued with royalty in the first ten∣der bloom of a newly awakened love Uniting thus in your own person the strongest powers of charming with such as were peculiarly congenial to the heart you wished to win it laid itself at your feet Oh woful moment when it did so as it entailed upon you all the miseries of a mutual passion without half its enjoy∣ments Alas Matilda had you really been adored—yet what could that have done more than to severely aggravate all you was born to suffer and as the ap∣parent passion of Lord Leicester had to you the charms of reality I am to blame perhaps thus to represent it but the sea∣son of dissimulation is past and my tor∣tured heart will utter nothing but truth So fixed was my opinion of his character that though there was a moment of my
life when my fate seemed wholly in Lord Leicesters hands I could not then enough esteem him to venture his decision Yet still a tender pity for your unmerited and everlasting passion should have suppressed this in your mind harsh judgment but that I once more repeat my own actions must ever then have appeared eccentric and enigmatical
How deeply both father Anthony and I regretted the imprudence which intro∣duced into our solitary asylum so danger∣ous a visitor it were needless now to repeat Prudence was for once on the side of pas∣sion and your fate was by the will of your only remaining guardian for ever united with that of your lover I soon found it vain to oppose the ascendency he had gained in your affections and as my own were yet unoccupied I looked no far∣ther than the present moment and followed you to Kenilworth Castle without repin∣ing Nevertheless I admired the delusi∣ons of love which in a moment recon∣ciled you to a situation apparently so ob∣scure and abject and still more that total
blindness to your own exquisite perfection which could make you fancy that low state would ever appear to observing spectators your natural one What then must be my astonishment to see Lord Leicesters love impose such humiliations on an ob∣ject nature and fortune had placed so far above him and meanly content himself with monopolized indulgences
Scarce were we alone when the pre∣sumption of that wretch Williams filled both of us with a terror which required an immediate remedy Every faculty of my soul revolted against the abject com∣pliances your entreaties exacted from me but even those only served to strengthen the contempt which began to predomi∣nate in it Lord Leicesters return gave us a temporary relief but his method of getting rid of the villain appeared to me alike unsafe and mean and the only proper mode of ending our fears never once seemed to occur to him I mean acknowledg∣ing his marriage which perhaps might at that period have been done without any great danger of offending Elizabeth
whose withering heart was becoming every day less sensible of affection and whose vanity was so highly gratified and possess∣ed by the visit of the Duke of Anjou But it was the interest of my Lord to break the match with the French Prince and to that golden idol his every passion bow∣ed We were again left to work tapestry and when he had succeeded in his fa∣vourite project he left the Queen in turn to bewail alone the loss of her last lover and came once more to amuse himself at Kenilworth
But he was not always to succeed the jealousy of Elizabeth had now just pro∣vocation and in her sudden arrival at Kenilworth Castle she at last overreached her politick favorite In vain he would have concealed us—in vain he would have represented us as the vassals of his amusement the scrutinizing eye of the Queen the universal voice of her more impartial train pronounced this impossi∣ble Reduced to frame a new story tor∣tured with the conviction that it had not gained credit he was obliged to aggra∣vate
every disagreeable circumstance of our present situation by delivering us unwil∣lingly into the hands of Elizabeth Alas my sister I saw I understood all this cost you on my account while not one sigh on your own escaped you I stifled the painful and proud sensations that swelled at my heart and ventured into the world under the doubtful and mysterious patro∣nage of the Queen who better acquaint∣ed with the finesses of her favorite than those now nearly allied to him never for one moment was the dupe of his fiction though unable to disprove it
Ah how visionary seems on recollec∣tion our new situation seen without be∣ing known adored without being esteem∣ed punished without being guilty ap∣plauded without being meritorious we were all an illusion Yet surrounded with spies and acting for ever under an eye disposed to condemn ere it could half discover how difficult was it for us to avoid suspicion and censure One sole advan∣tage had either gained by converging into the sphere of a court a faithful friend
though even that blessing was curtailed by the eternal policy of my Lord who would not permit us to confide even to his own amiable nieces the Ladies Arun∣dell and Pembroke any part of a secret which might affect however remotely his own safety Bounded as our conver∣sations must of consequence be the charm of attachment nevertheless seized upon our souls Mine allied itself to Lady Pembroke while yours equally inclined to her no less amiable sister and each took pleasure in passing that portion of her time with the distinct favorite we did not spend together Ah here Matilda I approach the appointed moment when the paths of life in which we have hitherto trod hand in hand begin to separate and every succeeding step bears us farther from each other till darkness and distance rob the straining eye of its first dear ob∣ject—In vain each now turns back and seeks the accustomed path a thousand various ones perplex the wearied mind and while the impetuous passions drag us irresistibly onward we give to the sweet
memory of early youth a thousand fond and hopeless sighs then follow with trembling feet those ungovernable lead∣ers
Lord Pembrokes partiality had long distinguished a noble youth the policy of Lord Leicester still kept abroad I had seen many of his letters through the me∣dium of Lady Pembroke and my heart had learnt to flutter at the name of Essex ere yet I beheld him Alas even while I repeat it I own the same sensation—Oh love exquisite delusion captivating error from the moment the lips find pleasure in that word till they lose the power of pronouncing it the charm the inconceivable charm remains—Whether cherished by the sunbeams of hope or chilled by the dews of disappointment—Whether the chosen object is faithful or unfaithful—glowing with animation be∣fore our eyes or seared up in the dark and silent grave the passion the power∣ful passion asserts its eternal influence and decides the character where it once has reigned While I dwell on the mo∣ment
which called to being this finer and more poignant sense sensibility memory retraces its dear emotions with a softness time itself can never extinguish
Tinctured with the partiality of Lord Essexs friends already acquainted with his sentiments on heroism glory and every attachment except that of the heart I fondly flattered myself the day would come when he would receive from me that last and liveliest passion which forms and finishes the human soul I interwove myself insensibly in all his concerns I deeply lamented the tie of relationship which subjected his actions to the will of Lord Leicester and employed some of the little time I spent with my Lord in endeavoring to bias his mind in favor of the absent hero Cold and silent on the subject of Essexs merits Lord Leicester often bantered me on being so sensible of them and seldom failed to remind me of the family compact which had bound Lord Essex to wed Sir Francis Walsing∣hams only daughter to fulfil which he purposed soon to recal him and advised
me rather to turn my eyes on Sir Walter Raleigh whose talents he pronounced infinitely superior and whose homage was wholly paid to me As this was a lover he knew I detested the conversa∣tion generally ended when he was named but a succession of such discourses con∣firmed me in the opinion of Lord Lei∣cesters selfishness and prepared me per∣haps to decide in opposition to it
Essex was at length summoned to Eng∣land He arrived An idle unaccountable apprehension at once overcame my reason I was persuaded I could not see him with indifference I feared the keen eye of Elizabeth and the colder and more watch∣ful one of Lord Leicester I quitted the Court the day he was to be presented and past it with Lady Pembroke By a sin∣gular chance Miss Walsingham had chosen to do the same The party enlarged in∣sensibly as the circle decreased Essex was the theme of every tongue and while Miss Walsinghams triumphant eyes ac∣knowledged the implied compliments my yielding heart received them He
is here cried Lady Pembroke in the afternoon looking out of the window and kissing her hand I felt ready once more to run away but that decorum re∣strained me Lady Pembroke indulged one of the gay whims which so often were a source of pleasure at once to herself and her friends and insisted he should only be told his bride was among the unmarried ladies from whom his heart must select her It was an illjudged project Miss Wal∣singham had been contracted to Lord Es∣sex in childhood rather to ratify a recon∣ciliation between the families than with any idea of a future affection The rigid principles of Lady Walsingham had hi∣therto kept her daughter in total seclusion and the death of her mother had now given the young lady unbounded liberty Her passions naturally violent had al∣ways spurned restraint but compelled for a time to submit to it they marked her character even in early youth with haugh∣tiness The beauty she eminently pos∣sessed soon drew around her a croud of lovers which elevating her vanity added
coquetry to pride and united in her per∣son the strange extremes of sour reserve and unbounded levity Sir Philip Sydney was the only man supposed to have any interest in her heart but as he had from the first devoted himself to another she affected to despise him and wait the re∣turn of her allotted husband with a reso∣lution to accept of him
Miss Walsingham seconded the pro∣posal of Lady Pembroke which rather per∣plexed the rest of the company and after much pleasantry on the subject of sympa∣thy Lady Pembroke sent for her Lord and the stranger—Ah Heavens that invincible stranger—born to decide my destiny—his youth had accustomed me to expect to find something unformed and unfinished in his person and manners—how then was I surprised to see the height and majesty of Lord Leicester united with features no less perfect while every grace of figure feature and complexion were lighted up by brilliant youth an air at once elegant and ingenuous and an expression of sensibility like that he could
not fail to awaken No I have not half described the dear the deep impression—I would in vain describe it—he looked and I then first seemed to see—he spoke and I then first seemed to hear—Fearful lest any marked disorder should betray me I fixed my eyes upon the ground but they had already borne the image into my heart I still saw it within and my charmed sense retained the sound of that voice regardless of all others—Smil∣ing expressively at Lady Pembrokes au∣thoritative order he kissed the hand she had given him and dropping it knelt gracefully to me—Gracious Heaven how excessive was my confusion at this unlucky mistake yet how exquisite my silent plea∣sure The overpowering mirth of the whole party displeased him—kindly deign∣ing to impute my distress solely to that cause he solicited my pardon for having united me in the very excellent jest the ladies were obliging enough to make at his expence Adding in a lower voice that wherever parental authority had destined him to bow he should always remember
with pride and pleasure the distinguished choice his heart had ventured to make Then advancing to Miss Walsingham whose readiness saved him a second mis∣take he made her some cold compli∣ment which awakened every fiery parti∣cle of her nature and passed on to pay the same respect to the rest of the ladies while his eyes ever and anon rested on me with that passionate ingenuousness which through life has been his characteristic
I left him behind and returned to Court glowing with the same ardent passion I had once dared to condemn in you and flattering myself he was already studying how to break an engagement not ratified by his heart How sweet were the hours rich with that hope ready every moment to acknowledge the truth and to indulge my passion by reposing it in your faithful bosom I found you over∣whelmed with tears apprehension and anguish for it was at this very period the cruel and extravagant jealousy of Lord Leicester became apparent Wanting courage to mention an incident remote
from the cause of your sorrow I buried the dear impression in my heart and devoted myself to soothing a mind so deeply wounded By a strange transition in my own sentiments I had learnt fairly to judge of yours and the increasing si∣milarity interwove our souls every day more and more strongly though not one word escaped me Dreams of pride and grandeur which had sometimes embit∣tered a spirit I will venture to call noble vanished at once before a stronger passi∣on which strangely filled up that void in my mind nothing yet had ever been able to fill I no longer complained of the Queen—I no longer thought the Court a prison—conforming from that moment quietly to my fate I centered every wish in one sole object
I even employed myself diligently in developing Lord Leicesters sentiments and conciliating a difference both of you suffered alike by though neither would allow it Lord Essex during these con∣versations was ever near us—with watch∣ful eye endeavouring to dive into the na∣ture
of our connection and the mystery of our birth so industriously buried by Leicester and Elizabeth The dis∣gust your Lord already shewed towards Essex became on these occasions more marked and as its cause I sought by every little distinction to reward that dear lovers patience a dislike so unjust heightened however that I already felt towards Lord Leicester though at the same moment it supplied a still more urgent reason for con∣cealing it than those which had hitherto influenced me
The sufferings of your mind sunk into mine and profiting by the sad example of a passion imprudently indulged I call∣ed myself to account for cherishing so dangerous a weakness and resolved by a courageous effort to govern if I could not extinguish it But ah how vain is that attempt when once we are truly touched Love my sister like the en∣writhed serpent only compresses the heart more closely for every effort we make to shake it off In vain I turned my con∣templations towards the obscurity which
had hitherto attended our lives the dark and mysterious cloud which yet hung over them love drew a vivid rainbow across it and every tear due to misfortune fell tinctured with Essex Ah wherefore should calamity heighten that passion without being able to define the cause I acknowledge the effect The heart forever active perhaps then ferments most powerfully and where love has once found room every agitation co∣operates to its increase however distinct its origin
Yet if the weakness of woman could be justified by the merit of the object, the more I examined Essex the more rea∣son I had to be satisfied That noble candor which resisted through life the courtly artifice he neither knew to profit by or adopt was at this period eminently conspicuous while his warm heart and polished understanding made him no less the friend than the patron of genius Every indifferent spectator admired to see even his youth rich with every promise fulfilled in the riper years of Sydney and thought
Sir Francis Walsingham the happiest of men in being able to match his daugh∣ter with either of these distinguished minds The generous Essex scorned to deceive her he did not refuse to marry and paying his deceased fathers will the deep respect of appearing ready to comply with it waited the operations of fortune in his favor and adored me in silence
At this juncture the camp claimed Lord Leicester and the nobility accompanied him I shared the mortal chagrin with which you saw him depart in silence and followed you so truly through all your feelings that I sought to persuade my∣self Essex might only want the power to treat me in the same manner This pain∣ful idea operated so strongly as to make me assume a coldness at parting to which Essex was wholly unaccustomed and which to own the truth I did not cease regretting the whole time of his ab∣sence
The dispersion and defeat of the Ar∣mada restored gaiety and eclat to the Court The fullest reconciliation took
place between you and Lord Leicester My heart opened once more to hope to happiness to Essex who now took cou∣rage to unfold his sentiments to Lady Pembroke She instantly adopted his cause and promised to find him an op∣portunity to plead it Nor was it long ere she drew me to her house and telling me with one of those happy smiles which disposed us to grant whatever she wished that from the first moment she saw me it had been one of the darling objects of her life to unite me with Lord Essex who alone appeared to her likely to de∣serve the heart she had so thoroughly stu∣died she had engaged her Lord to join with her in concerting that mode of introduction which appeared to me so wild a whim It had fully answered her hopes in fascinating one of the parties and she added she half believed it was not lost upon the other Fixing her eyes for a moment on my glowing cheeks she gaily started up to throw open her closet door in short my dear cried she here is my Lord him∣self allow him to plead his own cause
and when I think I can speak more to the purpose depend on my interrupting him plucking her robe from my trembling fingers she ran out of the room Distressed irresolute and overcome with the arrival of a moment so long wished for I made an effort to follow her but using the same means to detain me I had unsuccessfully tried with my friend Lord Essex grasped my robe more firmly I turned and not daring to fix my eyes on the graceful form the fine face on which they fell I dropt them and yielded in silence to hear him How deep ah Hea∣ven how exquisite is the remembrance of that moment when the name of love first reached my ear from the only voice which could render it agreeable—I will not imagine most worshipped of wo∣men said the Earl I offer you any new homage in thus bending before you The moment my eyes first beheld you my tooready knees offered up to you a heart new to the passion that moment made eternal The highest sense of duty to a father whose will in all other instances
was governed by reason hallowed even the generous error which induced him to contract me to Miss Walsingham Des∣tined to resign in the flower of his days every advantage which makes this world dear to man he studiously sought to se∣cure them all for a son who watered his pale cheek with the tears of guileless childhood and to secure me friends at Court who might supply in some degree his own place allied me nominally to the politic Walsingham whose interest alone could counterbalance that of our inveter∣ate enemies the Cecil family The event justified his opinion A combination of cir∣cumstances would have buried me in ob∣scurity had I not had the support and attachment of Sir Francis Thus circum∣stanced it would ill become me to reject the daughter of the man to whom I owe my safety and distinction but early learning her character and fearing to trust my happiness in the hands of a girl whose violent temper destroyed her own I yielded to the pleasure of Lord Leices∣ter in remaining abroad not without a
hope which time confirmed that she would in the interim give her heart to some more assiduous lover I had reason to believe this wish was accomplished ere I ventured to return home Her parti∣ality for Sir Philip Sydney is indeed too apparent for me to think of uniting with her were the friends of both willing to complete the match but as I cannot help flattering myself the determination of Sir Philip will regulate that of the Walsing∣ham family fain would I learn from your indulgence if indeed you deign to inter∣est yourself in the fate of a man born but to adore you whether Sydney has any thing to hope from your sister Accept in this explanation my excuse for pre∣suming to hover near your secret and do not imagine by uniting myself in it I seek to intrude on engagements I shall readily yield to whether I am permitted to understand them or not
Charmed alike with the accents of that harmonious voice and the passion it ge∣nerously avowed—prepared by the open∣ness of his recital to indulge my na∣tural
candor I delivered myself wholly up to the impulse of my heart and the implied acknowledgment of my affection made when I condescended to explain your sentiments respecting Sir Philip lighted up his fine eyes with new softness and gratitude Insensibly led on to speak of Lord Leicester I recollected at once the error I was committing and not dar∣ing to violate the silence I had promised I broke off abruptly covered with blushes and confusion—a long pause ensued—I raised my eyes anxious and irresolute to his—chagrin had dimmed all their lustre—he saw the conflict in my mind and recollecting the superiority of his own character he conjured me to consider well all I would say and to believe that confidence would be only a weight upon his heart which mine should ever re∣proach me with bestowing His wound∣ed feelings gave a persuasive tremulation to his voice that and the delicacy of mind which made him above profiting by the error of mine—the right a lover in∣stantly acquires over the conduct of a
woman who has once ventured to ac∣knowledge her partiality—alas above all perhaps the exquisite fear such ever feel at appearing for one moment to distrust the object of their choice all united to authorise in my own judgment that full confession the occasion won from me The astonishing story of our birth the secret of the Recess its discovery by Lord Leicester your subsequent marriage with him the feint by which the Queen was influenced alike to remain silent on every point respecting us all was fully re∣vealed—the veil of fiction fell at once and presented me to him the being I was born This interesting confidence ce∣mented our mutual passion and gave such charms to the moment as memory ever returns to with pleasure I imposed on him a vow of silence and secresy till your decisive refusal of Sir Philip should fix his marriage with Miss Walsingham and more fortunate circumstances facili∣tate our own nor could the interval ap∣pear tedious to either while we were daily permitted to meet though in publick
and read in each others eyes a passion untinctured with doubt and which every following day promised to sanctify Es∣sex found too many sources of wonder and pleasure in the mutual confidence to oppose her he from that moment looked up to and we parted so satisfied with the interview that either would have bought it with life
Nevertheless I was far from consider∣ing Miss Walsingham as the sole obstacle to our union The politic Lord Leices∣ter strongly though silently opposed it nor indeed without reason Conscious he had reigned so many years without a competitor in the heart of Elizabeth he might justly dread the progress of a rival in whom all his advantages were united with many he never possessed Not satis∣fied with the reputation of beauty and elegance Leicester ever passionately de∣sired that of conduct and valor and had given the kingdom but too convincing proofs how unequal he was to the military rank he held Essex was born a soldier The rough and generous virtues of that
character were joined in him with the po∣lished graces of a courtier and the most refined taste for literature A man cal∣culated to shine in whatever light you examined him could not fail to alarm all who valued and held the favor of Eliza∣beth Add to this that the Earl was na∣turally bold and aspiring consequently would retain whatever he once possessed Such were already the fears of all the fa∣vorites of the Queen and who could bound mine when I recollected the du∣bious fate of his noble father and the last warning he had given to this darling son
The sudden and unexpected marriage of Sir Philip Sydney and Miss Walsing∣ham revived those hopes in the mind of Essex I had so long strove to throw at a distance and with them too revived the vain project of confiding his views to Lord Leicester with whose approbation of them he still continued to flatter him∣self Terrified lest such an unguarded measure should exasperate Leicester to his utter ruin who would illbrook
this embryo rival that should cross his fate in every instance and dare to contend with him for a share of those advantages he was determined to monopolize I ex∣erted the utmost care to charm my lover to silence Alas every day made that more difficult The Queen and Leices∣ter fearful of my finding among the many who professed themselves my ser∣vants one whose views would interfere with theirs immediately allotted me that weak wretch Lord Arlington for a hus∣band and in countenancing his addresses threw every other lover at a distance at the same time giving me but too much reason to apprehend if ever I was per∣mitted to marry it must be as a sacrifice to both Not daring to consult you on a subject I had so long concealed and on which we must ever think so differ∣ently and unwilling to blight the little gleam of sunshine love illumined your days with I resigned myself up to a gloom which hardly the presence of Essex could dissipate
A very short time rendered the inten∣tions of the Queen and Lord Leicester obvious to Essex His impassioned soul fired alike with love of me and disdain of him I was commanded to love treated Lord Arlington with so marked a con∣tempt that nothing but the irresolution incident to weak minds could prevent Arlington from making a mortal quarrel of it Possessed in my confidence of the means to render Lord Leicester more tractable the Earl of Essex solicited my consent to insist on that of your Lord as well as his interest with the Queen if he valued the preservation of his own se∣cret
The tender love which attached me to you alone could induce me to oppose a design of which my happiness was the ul∣timate object But convinced an eclaircissement of this kind would embroil me forever with Lord Leicester and fill your suffering mind with a trouble beyond all those you had already experienced I consented to see Lord Essex once more at Lady Pembrokes and exerting at that
interview every power I possessed over his perturbed heart to moderate his rage and soothe his love till the ensuing cam∣paign in the Netherlands should be over I promised a steady resistance to every matrimonial proposal in the interval and to decide his fate on his return Know∣ing it vain to hope to actuate him by any selfish consideration of his own welfare I buried in my own heart its deepest sources of apprehension and bound him to patience by a strong representation of the dangers to which any rashness on his part would infallibly expose me Those inflamed passions no other being could ever control were regulated by my voice and when necessity compelled us to part I seemed to leave in his arms the dearer portion of my existence
Occupied by feelings and views distinct from each other and agreeing only in watching the wind and sending every wish towards the camp you and I seldom entered into our accustomed confidence and friendship I had however some∣times the relief of a letter through the
medium of Lady Pembroke by those I learnt your Lord still maintained an out∣ward shew of civility towards Essex while he secretly made him sensible of all his power yet with an art so profound as left him no apparent right to complain He often reminded me of my promise and vowed to preserve an undoubted claim to it by still enduring for my sake Over∣whelmed with anxiety and perplexities I hardly durst look towards the unravelling of events so complicated and waited in dread∣ful suspense the will of Heaven It broke in thunder over me—the cruel situ∣ation in which you soon found yourself Lord Leicesters abrupt and imprudent return on the news of it—the politick construction he gave that return to the sick and doting Queen—her sudden re∣solution to marry him and the immedi∣ate necessity for getting out of her power which rendered both him and you in one hour miserable fugitives were incidents so strange rapid and unsuspected that I became their victim ere I could any way account for it
The fatal morning of Lord Leicesters return you left him to attend the rising of the Queen which was on that day your periodical duty I waited with im∣patience the event of my Lords visit to Elizabeth in which my own safety as well as yours was immediately concerned A servant of Lady Pembrokes in whom she reposed great trust suddenly brought me word that a fright had thrown her into premature labor and the danger was so imminent that even while we spoke she might breathe her last nevertheless the messenger in her name urged me to hasten to her if I valued the letters I had lodged in her hands I gave way to the alarm without reflection and accom∣panied the messenger instantly nor did I meet in passing through the palace any of our women or friends to whom I could mention the cause of my sudden absence Happily the danger of my muchloved friend was over ere I arrived I prest her hand in silence and took from it the packet relative to Essex she had kept ready to give me which I put into my bo∣som
and was hastening back when a stranger as I passed thro the outer court presented me a note The hand my flut∣tered senses owned for that of Essex But why should he return to England A confused fear arose in my mind which hardly left me power to read it It was anonymous but I learnt from it he had been at the house of Lady Pembroke where shocked at the distress into which her misfortune had just thrown her Lord as well as the whole family he found it vain to hope their assistance towards ob∣taining an interview with me which ne∣vertheless was highly essential to the peace and safety of both He ended with conjuring me to follow the bearer if I wished to save him from desperation—Perhaps on the decision of this important moment depended the peace of my whole future life Too surely my compliance infinitely lengthened the fatal absence from Court which enthralled me for many pain∣ful years and dearly did I expiate that first deviation from propriety and prudence But are we always rulers over our feel∣ings
mine were agitated with almost every possible cause and coward reason too often retreats from the dangerous contest
I stept into a hired boat the messenger shewed me which was rowed down the river with the utmost rapidity During the little voyage I revolved in my mind every probable reason for this sudden and alarming return of the Earl but I was at Greenwich ere I yet had fixed on one I landed at a solitary garden belonging to Lord Southampton and was conducted to a pavillion which overhung the water where I found Essex alone pale disor∣dered and undrest with every symptom of anxiety and fatigue Overwhelmed with I know not what agitation I sunk upon his shoulder as he knelt before me and gave way to an uncertain presentiment of sadness a few hours after so fully veri∣fied Not even the charm of his voice could immediately soothe spirits so many alarming circumstances had deeply agi∣tated nevertheless on comprehending surmise and not misfortune had brought
him thus suddenly to England I felt my oppressed heart breathe a little more freely I byandby understood that the sole mo∣tive of this journey was the sudden one of Lord Leicester that by means of friends who surrounded your Lord he had always endeavored to keep a watch∣ful eye on his actions and found a packet of letters brought by a trusty hand from England had agitated him so strongly as to make him resolve on leav∣ing his command and returning imme∣diately The communication of this mysterious resolution determined him to follow the steps of his General which he was enabled to do as he fortunately acted only as a Volunteer The impatience Lord Leicester discovered by his hasty journey authorised the fears of the rival who followed his steps and persuaded him either that the secret of my birth had transpired or that some manoeu∣vre was projected to dispose of me as policy dictated Rendered desperate by these fears he had left every thing in train for an immediate return if fortu∣nately
I was still at liberty or if he could be the happy means of delivering me in case the whole truth had been discovered nor could he longer doubt but I would at last consent to follow the fortunes of a man who had never for a moment put all the hopes he might perhaps justly form in competition with the single one of possessing me The generous error of his conduct could not offend me but persuaded my own situation was not so desperate as he represented it I account∣ed to him for Lord Leicesters precipitate journey by acknowledging the truth and urged him to leave England directly that even his having visited it might ne∣ver transpire But I talked to one who no longer attended to me His eyes wandered wildly over my features while his whole soul was engrossed by his favo∣rite project Possessed and distracted with the idea that Lord Leicester would in∣fallibly ruin his hopes by disposing of me if ever I was again in his power not all my vows of everlasting love and fide∣lity to him nor promises of the most ob∣stinate
resistance to every other proposal could avail You are gone you are lost to me for ever if once these eyes lose sight of you was his impassioned reply a thousand times repeated to all my arguments and intreaties—It is the crisis of our fate my love would he cry—yield oh yield to it Admitting you are proof against trials you cannot guess at till too late how know you but I may be sacrificed Sir Francis Walsingham al∣ready repents consenting to annul the contract between me and his daughter she is already widowed a hint would en∣gage Lord Leicester to favor its renewal for do not his views coincide with that project a word from him would deter∣mine the Queen in its favor and a com∣mand from her disobeyed would exile me for life Thus my sweet Ellen con∣tinued this agitated lover you not only put your own fate in the hands of a man who will never consent to unite it with mine but even should you have resoluti∣on to resist his will you deliver up to it a wretch you say you dearly love and who
certainly loves you to madness Bathing the hands he grasped with precious drops of tenderness and anguish he held them alter∣nately to his lips and heart—What was the distraction of my soul at that mo∣ment—Inexorably to refuse was the hard duty imposed by my reason while my soul even melted with fondness But the fear that I should entail misfortune on the dear choice of my heart obscure at once the brilliant fortune which seemed to spread before his youthful steps and track them perhaps with blood a just remem∣brance of the severe censure I had passed on your conduct under circumstances not less trying and a conviction that such a compliance would infallibly endanger your safety made me resolve to act up to my sense of rectitude at whatever price I collected these reasons and many more which have now escaped my mind to prepare Essex for a disappointment I was sure he would feel but too sensibly and strove to reconcile him to the refusal by convincing him his own welfare was the chief cause of it Perhaps in truth it
was for hardly can the sun tinge the dewdrops with more various hues than the soul will cast upon its feelings I a thou∣sand times assured him that to be the sole object of his heart did not give me more pleasure than to see him the admi∣ration of the kingdom The happy pro∣mise of his youth I added had centered every eye and every hope in him What then would be my grief and disappoint∣ment if the coming years which ought to crown him with glory were to bury him in obscurity or steep him in sorrow—that nature had formed me with a strength of mind to view every situation in its true light nor could I comprize all human passions in love though I thought it perhaps the leading one Fill up the interval of our separation my Lord cried I with a long succession of such heroic actions as may give to our union whenever Heaven permits it the only happiness not comprized in itself—the sacred sense of having deserved it Nor shall the gentler virtues of my sex be wanting time patience and fortitude
often conquer fate herself nor will I ever yield to Lord Leicester an obedience I do not owe him though for my sisters sake I shall condescend to temporize in instances of less importance Plighted to you by every tye the rites of the church could only ratify a claim which will from this moment make my accep∣tance of another an adultery of the worst kind Hasten back then my dear Essex conceal if possible that you have been absent and beware how you expose to the eyes of Lord Leicester a suspicion of his honor he would never perhaps par∣don I broke from his arms strength∣ened surely by some supernatural aid—Yet stay my beloved my worship∣ped Ellinor—Oh yet be persuaded—you leave me for ever—these aching eyes see you for the last time—never oh never shall I now call you mine—Such were the passionate exclamations which vibrat∣ed on my quickened sense as I flew towards the boat and ordered the men to row to London My full eyes still sought that graceful form which with folded arms
and a dejected air hung over the terrace and my heart dissolved at the accents which still lingered on my ear Alas I knew not then how far they were prophe∣tic
Such was my conflict such my deter∣mination during the busy hours fraught with your fate and mine my sister The mind however soon recovers all its vigor when it has dared to act up to its duties and I had wept away my ten∣der chagrin ere I reached the Court Ah let me shorten this part of my recital lest I rashly pause to question Heaven why the most meritorious moment of my life became the cause of my ruin I reached London Matilda two hours after you and Lord Leicester quitted it and fearful of the appearance my long absence might have even in your eyes did you know how the time had been spent I re∣solved to tell you I had passed the day at Lady Pembrokes bedside and to avoid the enquiry of indifferent persons stole at the close of the evening through the back courts thus fatally eluding every watch∣ful
care of Lady Arundell who had planted assiduous friends in every other avenue to the palace ready to intercept me when returning after she had caused London to be explored in vain to find me
Ah gracious Heaven what were my emotions when entering our apartment I saw the Queens women and officers in possession of it The disorder of our ca∣binets and chests every thing indicated a dangerous discovery—a terror for which there is no name came over me A joy∣ful exclamation on the part of those into whose hands I had fallen and a dispatch to the Queen gave me reason to fear alike for my Matilda To the enquiries I made no other answer was given than that they were employed to guard and not inform me and an officer of the Queens immediately appeared to conduct me to her presence Unable to com∣mand a single moment of solitude and silence to regulate my thoughts or ac∣tions the past the present and the fu∣ture presented only one wild chaos to
my mind which hardly the breath of Heaven seemed able to bring into order Pale horrorstruck and speechless I was dragged like a criminal into the clo∣set of the Queen whose burning cheeks and enraged eyes told me in one killing look all I had to dread My conductors were ordered to retire and Lord Bur∣leigh with the old Lady Latimer were the only spectators of this dreadful inter∣view Scarce could my trembling limbs support me or my sunk soul utter a sin∣gle word Death—death in the most terrible form glared upon me—What do I say death Oh that I had feared no other evil—Grief insult obloquy all that can add horrors to the grave pro∣mised to forerun it The remembrance of the packet of letters the testimonials of my birth whatever was wanting to confirm the doubts of Elizabeth or re∣double her rage were all to be found about me Matilda Essex—those forms so dear glistered before my tearful eyes and I seemed in this peril∣ous
moment to drag down to the earth every human being I loved and valued
Elizabeth gave way to that coarse vio∣lence which marks her manners Is there a vindictive or opprobrious epithet she did not exhaust Lord Burleigh apprehend∣ing this ungoverned passion would rather give than gain information solicited her permission to examine me which she sul∣lenly granted To all his artful and insidi∣ous enquiries I replied with truth veiling only such particulars of your life and my own as malice might construe into a crime always referring myself to Lord Leicester in whose bosom the secret of our fate was as the Queen well knew deposited Ah ha then traitress cried Elizabeth no longer able to contain her rage her very eyes flashing fire so thou wouldest artfully feign ignorance of thy detested sisters marriage with that vil∣lain thou glossest over so rarely that in∣formation I thank him he has thought proper to give me under his own hand pointing to a paper lying on the table near her take that truth from me and
now unfold the rest or tortures shall wring it from thee
She continued to speak but I had ceased to hear—breathless mute as∣tounded my feet seemed to take root on the spot where I stood and my tears alone proved I was not marble—Lord Leices∣ters marriage acknowledged—authenti∣cated at such a juncture—and by himself too—Heavens what a chaos did this news make in my mind—Speak Jeze∣bel exclaimed the exasperated Queen in a tone almost as inarticulate through passion as mine was through fear thou art still in my power—though the perfi∣dious villain I had raised from the dust and loaded with benefits though he I say and his minion have escaped my vengeance thou art yet within my reach—tremble lest thou shouldst answer should suffer for all
Alas her utmost rage could hardly have added a pang to those which at that moment overwhelmed me Another kil∣ling truth had unwarily escaped her—Lord Leicester himself then thought there
was no safety but in flight—he was gone and my sister it was plain had accom∣panied him—both had surrendered me up a hopeless helpless victim however unoffending—even tears as well as lan∣guage now failed me and my brain shot through with fire Oh Essex in this mo∣ment I yet remembered thee Thy last words yet rung in my ears and my soul struggled with the deep regret I felt for having scorned thy project through a vain vain generosity Elizabeth finding threats and interrogations alike lost on a girl whose absent senses seemed to have wholly retired into her heart now gave way to one of her violent transports she threw a large book of devotion which lay by her on the table with so good an aim that it struck me on the temple and I sunk senseless to the earth The atten∣dants were all called in and my laces cut as having fainted the Queen not chusing to avow a resentment so grossly expressed A ribbon from whence hung the dearer part of my existence those testimonials of my birth which were
one day to fix my rank in life attracted the eye of Elizabeth The ready atten∣dants disengaged and presented them to her hand together with the packet con∣taining my correspondence with Essex I was insensibly reviving when she pe∣rused the first but surely that moment half avenged me—Never did mind or body undergo a greater revolution—rage evaporated at once—surprize grief con∣fusion silence succeeded with a face pale as my own trembling hands and failing eyes over and over again did she exa∣mine the incontestable proofs of so sur∣prizing an event then wildly glancing towards my features tore the papers into atoms she never thought small enough
During this interval I had so far re∣covered myself as to be capable of speak∣ing but scarce had I uttered a sound ere she started in her turn afraid to hear take her away on your lives cried she in a broken and inward voice con∣vey her into my little closet nor let one soul see or speak to her as you value my favor The servile slaves of her will
executed this order with the •tmost ala∣crity and the room was guarded by two officers who took from me every means of escape or death Alas I thought not of either Yielding to the desolating flood which had in one hour encompassed me I braved the future—Betrayed de∣livered up by Lord Leicester—neglect∣ed forgotten by my sister—the pair for whom alone I seemed hitherto to have lived had fate another blow in store Yet even if so it must sport with human misery to level it at me when those already given were mortal A stern and sullen despair succeeded the keen vicissitude of emoti∣ons which had marked the last hour of my life I considered myself as the de∣voted of Heaven and man and resolved to oppose a heart rendered callous by in∣jury to every future stroke of fortune
Elizabeth forgot not her usual policy even while overwhelmed with surprize the room in which she had ordered me to be confined had another door which led to private passages through the palace and from this entrance a guard approached
at midnight and informed me it was the pleasure of the Queen that I should fol∣low them I obeyed in silence and get∣ting into a litter I found at the garden gate enquired not even my destination I travelled almost without resting for two days and a night care having been taken to provide relays which were every where ready During the first days journey a guard attended but all prospect of my being released by human assistance then ceasing I found myself delivered into the charge of Lord Burleigh and his servants My deep perturbations began now to subside and my soul inclined to its wont∣ed habits though to have been betrayed by Lord Leicester and my sister was a recollection my wounded feelings had not yet courage enough to cope with Alas how should they When the passions are permitted to decide our conduct how∣ever heroic it proves we claim not those returns reason tells us are due to every instance of virtue which had no other in∣centive than reason Ah Essex dear prophetic Essex sighed my heart at some
moments why why did I inexorably reject thy generous proposal that un∣grateful sister to whose safety I sacrificed the sweetest hopes of my life manacles thy devoted love and flies far away to take shelter in that country I dared not seek even under thy protection
At the turn of the night a dreadful storm of thunder lightning wind and rain broke over us and the terrors na∣tural to my sex on such occasions were doubled on finding the whole party were set on by a banditti A moment before and I should have affirmed I had nothing to dread yet so lively was my new fear that even the vengeance of Elizabeth became nothing in the comparison The ser∣vants of Lord Burleigh made a desperate but vain resistance and the whole were at length led away by the ruffians into a wood adjoining where all no doubt like me expected to be murdered The storm now began to abate and the moon sometimes forced its way through the vo∣lumes of black clouds which yet hung over it My quickened senses caught
its gleams to examine if any habitation or other hope of rescue was in view In vain I strained my sight The wood in∣volved us entirely and every feeble hope died away when my eyes suddenly rested on—ah gracious Heaven—our own Recess—Yes the wellknown entrance of the tomb presented itself and a thousand vague ideas of safety and danger ming∣ling in my mind as the robbers approach∣ed the litter to take me out I screamed and swooned away
Alas my sister call to mind your own feelings and guess at mine when I once more opened my eyes in the great room of our Recess—that room once hallowed with the prayers of father Anthony and the presence of Mrs Marlow—that room where once the portraits of our parents smiled peace and security on their now desolate offspring—how hideous was the change—its bare walls grimed with a thousand uncouth and frightful images presented only a faint picture of the present possessors on whose hardened faces I dared not fix my fearful eyes
Considering me but as accidental plun∣der they were wholly engrossed by the old Lord Burleigh in whom some im∣portant view seemed to centre I shrunk from the terrible scene and called upon the awful shades of those most dear to me to appal in turn the desperate wretches who made the timestruck walls resound with threats and execrations My shock∣ed eyes sought the ground as a relief and fixed upon a wellknown object—It was that ring of Mrs Marlows with which father Anthony wedded you to Lord Leicester and well I remembered that ring was on your hand when last we parted I stooped impatiently for it—my senses more fully recognised its set∣ting—The dreadful truth flashed upon my mind Alas my sister and Lord Leicester are alike ensnared groaned I forth without any consideration—well I know they must be here—Oh in what dungeon have you hid them Your sister fair Lady returned one of the vil∣lains with an odious grin comrades our Captain will thank us for this prize
this must be she he talked so much about when the other travellers threw themselves into our hands—Make yourself easy mistress your sister is locked up as safe as cords can keep her
All the anguish I had before felt be∣came nothing at this moment My sister in this dungeon cried I oh born to suffer with me dear Matilda how will that soft frame always unequal to the trials of life and now entirely debilitated support these horrors Alas Sirs if there is yet in your hearts one touch of human pity conduct me to this tender sufferer and let her die in my arms All in good time young woman replied another with an air so surly as awed even my convulsed soul to silence
Lord Burleigh still was their great ob∣ject threats and oaths were exhausted on him when to consummate the terrors of that moment the name of Williams reached me That name expounding both the past and future wrought my fears up to frenzy I cast my wild eyes around in search of any means to die
and could in that terrible moment like Portia have swallowed fire when a tu∣mult without the room at once suspended that within it The sound of pistols the precipitate entrance of such of the rob∣bers as were not already round us fol∣lowed by many unknown persons in∣stantly convinced me Heaven had deliver∣ed us from our oppressors by some means less shocking to humanity than those des∣pair had filled my thoughts with A dreadful contest ensued but our deliver∣ers prevailing immediately began to un∣bind Lord Burleigh who almost mute with excessive surprize found in them a train of his own domestics from the ad∣joining Abbey of St Vincent which I understood was now one of his seats Nor was their amazement less at meeting with their Lord in this newlydiscovered den I comprehended the whole in a mo∣ment and plainly perceived the servants of Lord Burleigh must have come through the subterraneous passage that commu∣nicated with the Abbey I recollected that it was unknown to Williams nor doubted
but you and Lord Leicester had escaped through it Overwhelmed with the blessed events comprized in this deliverance I for∣got I had any thing still to fear and no considering Lord Burleigh as my keeper I saw in him only a fellowsufferer I rose with alacrity and led the way to the dungeon which communicated with the Abbey those who newly came from thence following me in silent astonishment I perceived the cords with which you and my Lord had been bound and demanded you of the servants with a joyful impati∣ence Lord Burleigh learnt from my in∣coherent transports a truth I had refused before to inform him of that chance had imprisoned us in the very spot where you and I were bred Wholly taken up with my own exclamations and regard∣less of the silence of my followers I hailed the entrance of the Abbey so long our happy asylum Ah Heavens how cruelly were these lively emotions repelled and extinguished when by the command of Lord Burleigh his servants once more seized me as a prisoner and attempted
to lead me towards a remote apartment With a heart humbled and broken by so many successive frights and afflictions I sunk at his feet not disdaining the most submissive attitude and only solicited to see you I reminded him of the dangers he and I had shared together and con∣jured him to remember you alone could have opened the passage which led us all to freedom—unless he basely resolved to become to me a murderer as dreadful as those from whom we had just escaped Inexorably cold he replied my un∣guarded acknowledgments only gave him stronger reason to imagine much was yet concealed and that whenever I would re∣solve to be wholly sincere I should not want his interest with his royal mistress Breaking from those trembling hands which every moment more infeebled he ordered his servants to bear me into the grated room at the end of the eastern cloister You cannot but remember the dismal place Half sunk in ruin and overhung with ivy and trees of growth almost immemorial it appeared the very
cell of melancholy Alas her pale repre∣sentative took possession of it in myself The massy bars no sooner gave assurance that I was secure than my conductors impatiently flew to rejoin the rest and learn the news of the family To me that small relief was barbarously denied So near the cause and partaker of my sorrows they were destined to flow in solitude nor could imagination decide whether you were yet a prisoner or had again escaped How terrible are the vague suspicions of an impassioned mind when deprived of every means of certitude The pale gleams of the moon seemed every moment to people the dungeon they glanced through—my pulse beat with redoubled strength and quickness—the whole cloister resounded the long night with distant feet but they came not to me—fearfully I often started when sink∣ing into a lethargy rather than slumber by the echo of some remote voice which fancy continually told me I knew but it died away ere memory could assign it an owner and though my fertile brain ex∣hausted
possibility the dawning day re∣alized no other objects than those drea∣ry ones my chamber presented The bats and owls began to retire to their haunts in my neighbourhood and the short visit of the rising sun only shewed me the limits of a dark and dismal pri∣son By this time both mind and body were alike exhausted and a mist appeared to envelop my senses which still recall a thousand fleeting forms by turns surround∣ing me till fatigue threw me into a deep sleep
It was at length interrupted by a maid who brought me breakfast and a message from her Lord that if I would inform him what was wanting to my comfort and accommodation his orders should immediately supply it I cast my eyes expressively around and bid her tell him in one word every thing The wo∣man seemed affected I snatched the for∣tunate moment and putting my purse into her hand asked in return only to know the fate of Lord Leicester and my sister I learnt to my inexpressible re∣lief
both had by some incomprehensible means again escaped and that Lord Bur∣leighs generous daughter was confined as their abettor A hasty summons to the maid left me once more alone but the news she had communicated and the idea that the amiable Rose might hereafter be alike ready to relieve my distresses gave a new turn to my spirits which now gather∣ed courage to retrace the past and look into the future
Although unable to comprehend what the urgent motives could be which impel∣led Lord Leicester and my sister to so pre∣cipitate a flight every thing argued that they were desperate for that it was sud∣den and without preparation their inten∣tion of taking shelter in the Recess strong∣ly indicated and whenever I recollected the dangerous situation of Matilda I shared with her that compassion self is but too apt to engross Was there a spot of St Vincents Abbey however gloomy which did not call to my mind some in∣stance of that integrity affection and nobility of heart which distinguished my
Matilda and could I remember these yet doubt that by whatever chance I was deserted your will could have no share in it Believe me my sister the first prayers I addressed to Heaven in my prison were for your safety
When time and solitude restored me reason enough coolly to consider my own state I saw no immediate danger it could teem with Though a victim to the fears of Elizabeth and the policy of Lord Bur∣leigh I had not yet learnt to consider them as mere murderers and if they were not so imprisonment was the only evil I could have to apprehend nay even that might per∣haps be short as it was undoubtedly both illegal and unjust Malice itself could affix on me no other crime than that of being daughter to the Queen of Scots a fatal truth which Elizabeth would gladly forget but surely never publish Could I resolve therefore to endure with pa∣tience the punishment so unworthily im∣posed on me I might in time emerge unsullied to distinction I called upon the example of her who gave me being
to support my drooping spirits and should perhaps have vied with her in fortitude but that one cherished grief wound round my aching heart and often wrung forth its dearest drops Essex the most be∣loved of mankind that faithful lover whose ardent prayers whose generous pro∣posals I had obstinately resisted when his irritated mind seemed daringly to lift the veil of futurity and pierce through those complicated dangers which followed our parting—Ah what should guard him when my loss was discovered from giving way to his injured and exasperated affection If fortune should even separate him and Lord Leicester how could I be certain Elizabeth herself would be safe from his reproaches and who was ever safe from her vengeance when once thus desperately awakened The premature fate of my muchhonoured father the noble Norfolk returned upon my me∣mory—the tower the dismal tower scaf∣folds axes a bleeding lover and a broken heart daily passed in long array before me
and peopled the solitude to which I was so unjustly condemned
The decency with which I was attend∣ed and served convinced me both Eliza∣beth and her Minister had still terms to keep with me but the servant who had ventured to answer me was impeached by those who waited without the door and my purse being found upon her no doubt became a sufficient proof of guilt Certainly I saw her no more and the wo∣men deputed in her place were either too guarded or too ignorant to inform me on any subject had I left myself mo∣ney to try their fidelity
I had once been so accustomed to seclu∣sion that it would soon have lost its hor∣rors had my misfortunes rested here but resolved however not to augment them by vain and fruitless repining I de∣manded such books as might strengthen and amuse my mind thus opposing the wisdom of ages to the pangs of the mo∣ment By sharing a part of my food with the birds which inhabited the over∣hanging trees I drew around me some
mute associates who more grateful than the superior beings that venture to look down on them are always attached by benefits
This lethargic tranquillity was soon in∣terrupted by a visit from Lord Burleigh With the fair language of an experienced courtier he commended my resignation to an inevitable fate and admired the wise use I made of confinement in thus applying myself to enrich my understand∣ing assuring me he went beyond his or∣ders for my accommodation but that an express which arrived overnight from the Queen had at last put it in his power to restore that liberty he had by her com∣mand deprived me of My heart leaped at so unhoped an alteration in my fate but he intercepted the transport ere it reached my lips and sent it back a dead weight into my bosom Think not therefore fair lady said he that her Majestys indulgence is unconditional—She wills if ever you pass these walls it is as the wife of Lord Arlington—They will then be my grave my Lord
returned I in bitterness of spirit shame on her indulgence inhuman tyrant—Moderate your wrath resumed he in the same equal tone after your bold at∣tempt to impose on her by forged testi∣monials of an impossible marriage and suppositious birth you ought rather to imagine she treats you with lenity—Forged testimonials retorted I with great acrimony why then did she so care∣fully destroy them but she destroyed them my Lord in vain—look down blest spirits of those who once owned this noble mansion look down thou dear de∣parted sister of the murdered Norfolk—look down too revered Mrs Marlow thou gentle guardian of our youth and say to whom we owe our being—but why do I call the blessed from their reward to authenticate those rights the malice of Elizabeth cannot annihilate Oh Royal Mary dear unknown mother how would the tender yearnings of thy bosom justify the assertions of thy persecuted daughter did not a cruel tyrant by a double in∣justice enclose in separate prisons the
mother and the child—bring us but to∣gether and you shall find—I am not commissioned to parley on so delicate a subject replied the crafty Lord Bur∣leigh—ere you give way to these violent transports remember how fatal they may prove—over the head of the Queen of Scots the sword has long hung only by a single thread—it is now put into your hand—consider well ere next I see you who and what you will be with these tremendous words he rose and left me—left me—ah how Convulsed annihilated a terror hitherto unknown seemed to fix every feature and freeze every sense Oh thou whose awful will alone could authorize this nameless infliction give me strength to bear it sighed forth my shocked soul Can I then deserve the title of daughter only by renouncing all claim to it—My mother my gracious royal mother who even when overwhelmed with woes didst take such tender care of the little unfor∣tunates to whom thou gavest being ah were their lives preserved but to shorten thine Meditations like these almost shook
the seat of reason and I resolved to conform to the most inhuman com∣mand of Elizabeth rather than suffer the horrible scene his last implication present∣ed to pass another hour before my bewil∣dered senses
It was surely at this tremendous crisis in my life my fermented blood first adopted and cherished those exuberances of passion which ever after warped the equality and merit of my character that blood now boiling in my veins joined with a disordered imagination to call around me a thousand visionary inconsis∣tent forms to whose voices my burning heart responded—now slowly retreating to every vital source the very powers of being seemed to congeal and I remained for hours a breathing icicle Whenever the first sensation actuated me the strong de∣sire of saving my mother still returned and in these dire revolutions of constitu∣tion four and twenty dreadful hours elapsed
Lord Burleigh at the same time the next day came once more to learn my
final resolution Scarce able to reply or raise my heavy eyes from the ground in which they sought and saw only a grave my whole appearance strongly proved how I had passed the interval The desolate acquiescence my silence bespoke encou∣raged him to produce a paper He be∣gan reading it while rivetted with a new surprize I listened to the incredible and disgraceful forgery as if l had lost every other sense than that of ear It was called as I think the voluntary confession of El∣linor on behalf of herself and sister Matilda and set forth that soon after Mary Queen of Scots sought shelter in England under the protection of her sister Elizabeth for divers politick and ambitious reasons as first in case her only son should die and leave her without issue on which to sup∣port her claim to Great Britain as well as to the kingdom she had lately abandoned next to attach to her interest the disloyal persons into whose charge she was given she resolved to pretend to have made a marriage with Thomas Howard Duke of Norfolk and by the aid and confeder∣acy
of his sister the Lady Scroope whose Lord was her keeper together with that of divers Scottish servants as well as of one Gertrude Marlow the bastard sister of Lord Scroope the said Queen of Scots did feign a pregnancy and in process of time a delivery of two daughters who were with the assistance of the said con∣federates brought up in secresy by the said Gertrude Marlow till such time as Mary should judge fit to produce them and that sundry testimonials were invent∣ed drawn and witnessed by said parties tending to legitimate said surreptitious off∣spring at the pleasure of the Queen of Scots by the names of Matilda and Elli∣nor The said Ellinor understanding in process of time the above plausible col∣lusion and sorely repenting the offence against Elizabeth Queen of England her lawful Lady and Sovereign doth on behalf of herself and sister Matilda freely acknowledge and solemnly affirm that they do not believe themselves born of the said Mary Queen of Scots but have reason to know their parents of a low de∣gree
who for the lucre of gain resign∣ed them for ever to be done with as the said Queen of Scots and her confeder∣ates thought best This declaration is made and signed on the spot where Ellinor owns herself and sister were thus secretly brought up to wit the Abbey of St Vincent the seat of the late Lord Scroope in the presence of c Hav∣ing concluded this notable memorial of villainy he summoned several domestics and put a pen into my hand My un∣subdued indignant soul spurned at the idea of villifying both myself and mother even to save her life I would have spoke but ere grief and rage could be converted into language he transfixed me with a look and holding before my eyes an or∣der for the execution of the Queen of Scots signed dated authentic com∣plete in every form my shuddering na∣ture could not endure the conflict I rashly scrawled my name and snatching that tremendous mandate he yet held be∣fore me tore it into a thousand atoms and sunk upon the ground in the most
violent convulsions They were so rapid and dreadful that to have left me alone had been little else than murder His do∣mestics attended me with a humanity un∣known to their Lord and these fits at last gave place to a frenzy fever Alas during its raging paroxysms I doubtless continually confuted the infamous tale I had witnessed for every affecting remem∣brance pressed upon my confused and weakened mind—My mother my sister and my love by turns bled before my eyes and death presented himself in every form dear to me while I vainly invoked him to take my own
Exhausted nature seemed to rest on the very verge of the grave—Ah had I then sunk into it how many pangs had I been spared—the care of my attendants so far recovered me as to enable me to quit my bed when pronouncing me well they left me to my own meditations—a hide∣ous train my sister—to add to their bit∣terness fancy had now thrown a new co∣lour on my fate—how if this infamous forgery had been extorted from me only
to stigmatize my sister and myself—A still more aggravating idea sprung from that—What should prevent Elizabeth from presenting to the eyes of the unfor∣tunate Queen of Scots a defamatory de∣claration which must give her a stab no less mortal than the blow it saved her from though perhaps more slow how indeed if so could I hope she would ever forget or forgive an instance of de∣pravity apparently as unaccountable as it was shocking finally oh grief yet more pungent might not the Queen take plea∣sure in wringing the haughty soul of Es∣sex by shewing him the unhappy object of his dearest affections for ever stigma∣tized by her own hand—This painful assemblage of ideas and objects was too much for my hurt brain—I groaned I shrieked I relapsed and very nearly ob∣tained the relief I so much longed for
Impelled thus by tyranny down the precipice of fate my swift course seemed ready to bury me in the gulph it over∣hangs when another projecting point in∣terposed and suddenly stopped me—I
recollected that in thus resigning myself to the stroke I rendered the last fatal blot my own hand had fixed on my cha∣racter indelible that while I lived I had yet a chance of justifying my intention in an act which reflected alike on myself and all dear to me By a weakness for which I cannot account I suddenly be∣came more willing to support all the evils of a life thus prolonged than the idea of an unknown end and unhonored grave
My constitution destined to struggle with still greater calamities sunk not wholly under the impression of these but the period of recovery was marked by a gloom and dejection I can never forget Silence was now no less my habit than inclination and I often fancied myself incapable of speaking Lord Burleigh by a second visit called together every enfeebled power remaining Regarding my altered countenance with an air of in∣sidious pity he lamented the painful duty imposed on him by the Queen Estrang∣ed from sympathy so long that the least
mark of it affected me I sunk into lan∣guor and tears Unhappy young crea∣ture resumed he destined every way to condemn yourself hear all I am commis∣sioned now to say and finally decide your own fate I need hardly inform you on whatever grounds your connection with the Queen of Scots is founded a due re∣gard for herself and the peace of the king∣dom of England will not allow my royal mistress to enlarge one whose high spirit and distinguished understanding must so greatly aid whatever cause she is a party in But when the attachment between you and the Earl of Essex is considered whose ambition and daring temper suffi∣ciently alarm the prudent part of the Queens counsellors unassisted as he yet is by any imaginary rights it is obvious that one way alone can you hope for free∣dom At the dear name of Essex to which my ear had been so long estranged every emotion that had gathered slowly toward my heart spread in wild pertur∣bation through my frame I faintly re∣peated it but Lord Burleigh motioned
me to silence and I confined to contemp∣tuous glances my opinion of the re∣mainder of his speech—I shall not conceal from you returned he that Essex had influence enough over the Queen to make her for a while suppress her sen∣timents on this error in his conduct Perhaps she would have trusted to time for otherwise matching you but that this hotheaded rash young man—I groaned in impatient silence—he cast on me an attentive eye and pursued his subject—After finding it vain to hope he should discover your asylum for which I must tell you he spared neither threats intrea∣ties money or assiduity he completely irritated Elizabeth by uniting himself in a plot to release the Queen of Scots Providentially for my royal mistress it transpired in time and the traitors are taken The chief object of her indigna∣tion must of course be him she so greatly favoured Convinced you are the only cause of his rebellious practices nothing but your making another choice can save him from expiating them on the block A
fond weakness renders Elizabeth still anxi∣ous to preserve him For my own part I confess the safest remedy I shall always think the best—Ah let him live groaned I adopting at once the train of ideas he so artfully arranged though not for me Even Elizabeth is merciful and shall I then condemn him Rob the world of an unequalled ornament only because I am not permitted to possess it—I will no more haunt her slumbers—I will no more gild his—of what conse∣quence is the name I am called by during the few days I linger in this miserable world Inform me my Lord but how I can save him—The same reasons that concur in obliging the Queen to separate you and Essex said the crafty Burleigh will equally prevent her from matching you with any man gifted with his aspiring qualities yet as it is not her wish wholly to debase you Lord Arlington was to me the messenger of her will I shud∣dered at the fatal name the bounded capacity he possesses is one motive for her chusing him as it ensures her own safety
and his titles and fortunes another as those are distinctions she is not willing to deprive you of You marry him or he returns directly and his return is the sig∣nal for Lord Essexs execution
Yet weak and unrecovered my mind wanted firmness to enter into all the rea∣sons which should regulate my conduct Alas I saw no more of my own fate than was inseparably interwoven with that of my lover—Urged by the generous ex∣cesses of which I knew his heart capable he has for my sake then endangered his honor liberty and life Perhaps that danger is exaggerated hinted prudence—but oh if not—if actuated by fear and rage Elizabeth should condemn him to the block as she already had my father for no greater crime—my wounded soul shrunk from the bare idea—long faintings and delirium followed—fancy realized every image fraud had presented I seem∣ed to behold every moment the chosen of my heart tried sentenced executed I drenched the maimed yet beauteous form my eyes for ever worshipped in my tears
and hardly could be persuaded during my lucid intervals that he yet lived and that his fate still depended on my deter∣mination
Lord Burleigh faithful to the unge∣nerous trust reposed in him and weary of the task of confining me took a willing advantage of the weakened state of my intellects to wring from me a compliance with the wish of Elizabeth I was now released from my prison and the Chap∣lain and family being assembled Lord Arlington was introduced the contracts signed and a tearful midnight marriage abruptly solemnized during which my abstracted mind pursued A thousand dis∣tant ideas
Wedded—lost—annihilated—the woful mistress of a magnificent solitude where my inward eyes traced for ever the revered steps of those who were no longer to be found on earth one only consolation could my exhausted heart supply I die that
Essex may live—I sigh that he may breathe freely—But oh such sighs they seemed to tincture with blackness and melancholy the very air that received them Lord Arlington wanted judgment alike to subdue the deep regrets of silent sufferance or to yield to them My mind could never hold any correspondence with his and by this means alone was I igno∣rant for a time of a calamity which when known totally overwhelmed me—Alas my sister by a refinement in bar∣barity our fainted mother was led to ex∣ecution almost at the very moment I was defaming you and myself to save her This climax of grief and misfortune was too mighty for my reason—I had passed from fear to fear from sorrow to sorrow in such rapid succession that there were only intervals enough of time to render each more poignant In one short month to behold myself deceived defamed and sacrificed—I blended the bitter tears of selflove with those of filial duty and affection The idea of Essex remain∣ed engrained on my heart and dou∣bled
every agonizing sensation Lord Arlington however returned to Court and gave me the little relief of solitude
Severed at once from every tie both of nature and of choice dead while yet breathing the deep melancholy which seized upon my brain soon tinctured my whole mass of blood—my intellects strangely blackened and confused fre∣quently realized scenes and objects that never existed annihilating many which daily passed before my eyes I sometimes observed the strong surprize of my atten∣dants when I spoke of these visions but much oftener I remained lethargic and insensible There were moments when I started as from a deep sleep and oh how deep a sleep is that of the soul—turned my dubious eyes around with vague re∣membrance—touched my own hand to be convinced I yet existed—trembled at the sound of my own voice or raising my uncertain eye toward the blue vault of Heaven found in the allchearing sun a stranger—Alas my sister look no more in this sad recital for the equalminded
rational Ellinor you once saw me sensa∣tions too acute for either endurance or expression from this fatal period blotted every noble facility often substituting impulse for judgment Always sensible of my wandering the moment it was past shame continually succeeded and united every misery of madness and reason
Spring reviving all nature extends its genial influence even to the withered heart
My intervals became more calm and frequent I gathered strength to walk into the garden—there I slowly retraced to myself the fatal whole and began to find or fancy it more supportable That I had been a dupe to Elizabeth and her minister was too obvious but I was wil∣ling to acquit the weak man perhaps sufficiently punished in a wife like me of having been a confederate in their plots I had long been the object of his choice and it is a common error among his sex to be careless of the means by which their views succeed provided they attain them But my feeble effort to∣ward
recovery requiring every indul∣gence I wrote to Lord Arlington as∣suring him I would make the best use of my returning reason in forming my heart to the future performance of those pain∣ful duties a combination of fatal circum∣stances had imposed on it but that the task was too difficult not to claim every allowance on his part and concluded with hoping solitude would enable me one day to meet him with feelings less embittered
With my intellectual powers too re∣turned my affections The mystery of your fate my sister and that of Lord Leices∣ter racked my weary imagination in vain I enclosed in the letter to Lord Arlington a billet to Lady Pembroke It contained only an enquiry for you
When these letters were dispatched I bent my every thought to fulfilling the promise made in the first A thou∣sand times on my knees I besought the Almighty to confirm those upright senti∣ments he alone could inspire I strove to obliterate every remembrance of the hu∣man
means by which his will was effect∣ed and considering it only in the light of his will tried meekly to submit to it Alas the answer of Lady Pembroke shook every just determination—astonishment terror and affection were obvious in every line of it—eagerly she solicited news of myself and the incomprehensible means which first restored me to St Vincents Abbey as well as those which fixed me there by so extraordinary a marriage
From her letter I at last understood a part of your motives for so suddenly ab∣senting yourselves I found too you had happily arrived in France by the accounts many had received from you when all at once she added the correspondence broke off and every effort at renewing it only increased the sadness and perplex∣ity of your friends That Le Val hav∣ing obeyed the orders left by his Lord in hastening to Kenilworth came on from thence to the Recess which he found thrown open as well as that his Lord had infallibly been there Not able to gather any further information he came back to
London there to wait Lord Leicesters directions but none arriving this extra∣ordinary and alarming silence induced the faithful Steward to return to his native country in search of his Lord Fear and grief having however seized upon his heart a bad passage wrought both up to a crisis and he died immediately on his landing That every other messenger and friend had been equally unsuccessful though many had traced you as far as Rou∣en Nor had the mystery of your fate ever yet transpired though Lord Leicester was admitted to be dead by every body It was given out he expired in his way to Kenilworth Castle Certainly he was there laid in state and afterwards interred at Warwick but notwithstanding this report was apparently believed as hav∣ing the weight of the Queens credence the strongest doubts arose in the minds of his friends and relations upon her seizing Kenilworth Castle and various possessions of his as a security for sums due to her a conduct little agreeing with the indul∣gence she had for so many years shewn to∣wards
him In fine having bribed the servants employed in blazoning this pom∣pous fiction the family were indubitably assured the body buried under the name of Lord Leicester was one procured for that purpose
Almost petrified by this mysterious and affecting recital I strove in vain to ex∣pound it that Lord Leicester was dead could hardly be doubted but when where or how imagination could not fathom Yet the conduct of the Queen proved her too well informed Ah where then is now my Matilda Where then that more unfortunate being than even myself Convinced by a comparison of circumstances that your death would alike have been published but that by some undiscoverable event you survived your Lord I was led to conclude some convent in France still supplied you a grave to groan in yet even if so why bury with you that knowledge for want of which so many affectionate hearts have been racked—Alas my darling sister year after year have I vainly repeated to
myself this one affecting question—E∣merge I beseech you if yet an inhabi∣tant of this world and satisfy a fearful heart which achs with fondness Nay if translated to a better and yet sensible of aught sublunary oh deign to inform me How often in the depth of midnight when the happier world are at rest have I called upon thee impelled by an affec∣tion incapable of fear—but all was awful silence—no voice replied to me—no form obtruded on the deep gloom where sight itself is lost—yet the days that elapse in incertitude pass not in vain they insen∣sibly urge forward one ordained to clear up every doubt
I dreamt of Essex—Ah what did I say I dreamt of Essex—Alas I have dreamt of him my whole life long—Something strangely intervenes between myself and my meaning—No matter I am too stupified now to explain it
Oh these cruel wanderings—but I dare not attempt to correct or avoid them lest in the very effort reason evapo∣rate and one inconsiderate stroke should confuse my whole story
Alas Lady Pembroke how could you venture to tell me Lord Essex was mar∣ried—And to Lady Sydney too—Graci∣ous Heaven I made myself a wretch then only to crown her future days with un∣speakable happiness—At this idea over∣whelming passion breaks the feeble boun∣daries of reason and religion sweeping away inferior sorrows—my mother—my sister—alas those ties so dear so revered serve only to swell the flood that sinks them
Hence agonizing sensations—I have drawn them up Matilda in one weighty sigh—Ah surely my heart escaped una∣wares at the same moment it has left such
a fearful void within—Yes my sister Essex is indeed married that very Essex for whom I more than died—and privately too—the sacred tender union had every charm but honor—for Lady Sydney he incurred the anger of the vindictive Queen—Gracious Heaven I thank thee for that thought—it was not for me—No I was dying withering at the heart far from the most false—Ah still the most beloved of his sex—that little thought strangely consoles me—rather indeed would I have died than have been a spot upon that radiant sun my dim eyes no more must look up to
I perceive I have in the wild colourings of a disordered imagination unfolded a truth my heart almost burst with—this thunderstroke concluded Lady Pembrokes second letter—How deep how dreadful was its effect—tranquillity health reason all fled before it—to the evils fate im∣poses however grievous our nature in∣sensibly
accommodates itself but oh when the arrows of calamity are winged by love and dipt in poison by friendship the wounds they make always gangrene The idea of deceit ingratitude and un∣kindness irritated and preyed on me con∣tinually—It brought on another Green∣land winters night which lasted many lingering months and in recovering I seemed to acquire a new disposition—I had lost with my equanimity all sweetness of temper—revenge seemed the only principle which supported my being and I nourished a project in secret long ere I could bring it forward Wonder not at this alteration my sister misfortune serves but to soften the soul injury alone can render it callous Ah strange that we should at the very moment imbibe the vice by which we suffer
Lord Arlington early in the spring re∣visited St Vincents Abbey My resent∣ments being levelled at a dear and distant object I behaved towards him when mistress of my intellects with a melan∣choly graciousness which made him fancy
them restored and propose taking me with him to London when necessity obliged him to return I acquiesced with readiness as this was the very point to which I wished to bring him and my unexpected compliance flattering the egregious selflove that marked his cha∣racter he was charmed with the effect without examining into the cause He was easily persuaded that decorum would demand my being presented at Court and undertook to propose it to Elizabeth while Lady Pembroke amazed alike at all she heard and all she saw steadily op∣posed a project fraught with so many painful uncertainties But it was the pas∣sion of Lord Arlington to mortify Essex and conceiving that only in his power by presenting to his eyes the dear object fa∣tal circumstances had robbed him of and others yet more fatal had wedded to him∣self he soon became as interested in my wish as if his own heart had dictated it The Queen heard it as I foresaw with surprize and declined it with scorn but she soon found I had skill enough to ma∣nage
even the fool she had selected for me who persisted in quitting the Court if she denied him the compliment due to his birth Elizabeth had now put her peace so far into his power that she dared not entirely break with him and fearful lest the black history hid in my heart should be published to the world were she to urge her imprudent refusal she at last reluctantly consented to receive me I heard this with a bitterness of spirit I once thought myself incapable of and brooded over the dreary triumph I had so long projected
I deferred appearing at Court from time to time till certain Lord Essex was return∣ed from the camp Alas the universal plea∣sure that return excited aggravated my deep and increasing resentment Distin∣guished now with the same partiality Eliza∣beth once shewed to your Lord loaded with honors in his own person and the chief medium through which others obtained them Essex conducted himself with such no∣bleness as endeared him even to those whom he failed to serve while the happy few who
won his confidence looked up to him as to a being of a superior kind I I alone dared silently to impeach his generosity his honor his integrity Wearied with an everlasting discussion of his merits in all companies and not daring to utter one syllable on the subject lest groans should take place of language I often testified an impatience Lord Arlington construed into an extinction of that fatal passion I once entertained for his rival and a due regard for the rights which he had acquired over me Charmed with this idea Lord Arlington became lavish in the jewels and other customary orna∣ments and the tranquillity with which I prepared to appear lulled every suspi∣cion to sleep Alas while they were adorning me with the costly habiliments selected on the occasion I took a mali∣cious pleasure in tracing the ravages grief had already made in my features consti∣tution and figure the first shrunk wan and withered the latter emaciated beyond all concealment I knew however those who saw me every day might deceive themselves in presenting this shadow to
his eyes whose ardent heart once touched with colours yet more glowing a form then rich with the gifts of nature youth and hope—Oh well I knew what vo∣lumes of reproaches were contained in a single look
I entered the Presence Chamber with an air of determination grandeur and composure astonishing even to myself My soul found him she alone sought in a moment Essex was resting one arm on the back of the Queens chair in the same familiar gay and graceful attitude I had so often seen Lord Leicester assume His dress bold magnificent and mar∣tial His features oh those fatal fea∣tures destined to subdue alike my wise and erroneous resolutions lighted up by every emotion youth softness pride and pleasure ever blended His fine eyes lightly glancing over each surrounding object fixed at last on me—fixed I may well say—how deep how deadly was the effect of that single look—his unfi∣nished speech to the Queen became anni∣hilated while his quivering lips in broken
sounds breathed forth unutterable anguish—Surprize tenderness grief—ah more than grief—agony—chased away the bright expression of happiness from every perfect feature and flooded his eyes in a moment—No longer remembering the place the Queen the circle he started forward and almost in the act of kneel∣ing felt the absurdity and vanished—with him too vanished every trace of that misapplied reason which had so strongly impelled me to this strange revenge They told me I suffered myself to be led to the chair of the Queen who no sooner in the common form presented me her hand than I haughtily repelled it and fixing my eyes on her with a dreadful meaning gave a deep groan and sunk senseless at her feet Elizabeth started up in high indignation and reproaching Lord Arlington as not less mad than my∣self in thus obtruding me upon her retired precipitately to her closet Not much more sensible than myself through astonishment at a conduct so unexpected on my part he soon so far recovered his faculties as to
take the advice of his friends in trying to appease the Queen committing me to the care of those around me By this means alone he escaped witnessing a scene which touched the sensibility of every spectator My friends bore me through the great gallery as the way most con∣venient in the antichamber leading to it the unhappy lover I had taken a bar∣barous satisfaction in wounding had thrown himself on a couch to recover at leisure A presentiment of the fact as the croud approached made him eagerly start up and resigning himself to the impression of the moment he rushed through them all and snatching me with impetuosity from those who held me placed me on the couch and kneeling beside it sought to reanimate my chilled senses with burn∣ing tears and agonized embraces A thousand times he called me his dear betrothed love—his murdered precious Ellinor—here is some black artifice some diabolical villainy in this business would he cry starting up haughtily and throw∣ing his inflamed eyes around in dread∣ful
search of him who happily was ab∣sent Oh if I find it so added he they shall not scape who severed us By vague and rash exclamations he thus published the chief incident in our un∣happy story while I alone still insensible heard not the wellknown voice I once fancied the grave only could close my ear to
This scene which every following mo∣ment threatened to make fatal was at last interrupted by the appearance of Lady Pembroke The excellent understanding of that amiable woman had made her from the first consider my desire of appearing at Court even while unapprized of its mo∣tives as the wild start of an unsettled mind she had employed intreaty and ar∣gument in vain to make me give it up finding the project alike agreeable to Lord Arlington and myself she became silent on the subject but declined accom∣panying me and dreading some strange event retired to her own apartments in the palace to tremble for it in secret The news of my having frightened the
Queen and broke up the Court imme∣diately reached her there However of∣fended at my obstinacy she was shocked at its effects and readily emerged to serve and save me if possible Pressing through the astonished croud the fond extravagance of Lord Essex continually increased she beheld me in his arms and heard his lamentation Amazement in her collected mind is but a momentary emotion What are you doing my Lord said she with an air which re∣called even him—is this the way to reco∣ver the senses or reason of this dear un∣fortunate remember the respect due both to her and yourself and leave her entirely to my care Neither prayers nor anger warped her from rectitude she com∣manded her servants to bear me to her barge and followed me herself The distracted Essex held her by force and vainly solicited leave to attend me With a dignity which eminently distinguishes that charming woman she chid him for a madness not less extravagant than my own though far more censurable and
requested her Lord to pay him an equal attention
The women who followed me into the barge sprinkled me with water that and the open air gradually revived those facul∣ties so long dormant they seemed gone for ever I feebly lifted my head from the bosom of Lady Pembroke and won∣dered awhile how I came there A thou∣sand gloomy uncertainties occurred to me and a flood of tears at last so far re∣lieved me as to suffer my mind to fix on the fact Lady Pembroke perceiving I was capable of attending to her spared me the trouble of enquiring into the past scene by relating it with such comments as an enlarged mind and tender heart would naturally dictate My pulses were yet low and her gentle admonitions made a due impression Review the whole of this wild scheme my dear Ellinor said she and I think you will unite with me in calling it so The Queen beyond your revenge in this world can amply retaliate on every one dear to you for the temporary alarms and vexations you cause
her From the eyes of the noble Essex you have snatched away a bandage which saved both him and yourself from danger I have hitherto suffered you to imagine him unfaithful and guilty because anger in your situation must be a much less dangerous emotion than love His whole soul is once more awakened and I would in vain now affect to deceive either—he will be heard—he will even be seen if to the rash ardor of his temper you do not oppose the most inflexible prudence—Alas my sweet friend what direful con∣flicts do I see before you—conflicts the strong and untried soul would wish to shrink from—how then shall your wound∣ed spirit—Fear not answered I nerved by the occasion my dear my watchful monitress born for conflict I seem only to exist by that mental action and though I lament with you the invin∣cible obstinacy which has once more thus involved me yet believe me I seem bet∣ter able to bear every evil which may re∣sult from the vindication of Essex than the dreadful weight of his supposed in∣gratitude
For every other evil I had been accustomed to prepare my heart—That heart cherished by tears and soft∣ness started not into excess and insanity till those sources were dried up Ah open again every sluice of pleasure—Tell me Essex is indeed innocent unaltered—Tell me he is still the incomparable being my youthful fancy first worshipped—Tell me in short the whole truth and see if my soothed senses are not equal to the confidence—How little reason do these eager exclamations these impassioned tears and glowing cheeks give me to think so wistfully replied the sweet Lady Pembroke perhaps were it yet in my choice I should still resolve to deceive you but in now revealing all I am only beforehand with him who in tenderly urging a just vindication of his conduct would effectually reestablish himself in your affections to the utter ruin of the little peace Heaven has allowed you
The desperate state of my health at the time yourself and sister so unaccountably vanished made my Lord guard against
my obtaining that information with the utmost caution and the first alarm I re∣ceived was from the sudden return and perpetual visits of the Earl of Essex These were often at odd and improper hours and generally began or ended with a private conference A continuance of this conduct even after I was able to quit my apartment gave me a disgust to your lover I did not conceal from my Lord He pleaded his unhappiness as his only and indeed sufficient excuse and thus laid himself open to my enquiries which soon obliged him to own the whole truth Its deep effect on me made Lord Pembroke congratulate himself on having thus long concealed it My agitation and affection soon reconciled me to Essex and united me in his views Wholly en∣grossed by the hope of finding you every day gave birth to a new project in one or the other How many disappointments did we experience yet the fertility of his imagination being only equalled by the warmth of his heart no toil discouraged him and adopting all his aerial plans I
urged him to perseverance taking plea∣sure in heaping fuel on a flame pru∣dence should rather have stifled News happily arrived of Lord Leicester and Matilda which renovating every hope in both him and me I joined the deluder self in assuring him he was destined to restore you to the noble exiles and in receiving your hand to unite himself at once in their happiness and fate
The romantic heroism interwoven in his character made him readily listen to these pleasing delusions till a strange ru∣mour reached us one day that you had been married to Lord Arlington in the presence of Lord Burleigh and left by him at St Vincents Abbey Impressed with the strongest reliance on your faith Essex asserted it in the warmest terms and seemed ready to fly to the spot where it was reported you yet existed The paleness of my countenance reproved his implicit confidence The name of Bur∣leigh the remembrance Arlington had lately quitted the Court that intuitive sense which arranges and combines a
thousand important nothings tending to stamp a sad conviction more instantane∣ously than one can pronounce a sen∣tence now told me that this was true—Lord Pembroke proposed going to the Minister and thus deciding the point We gladly consented and Essex tra∣versing the room in great agitation dur∣ing the interval found a thousand rea∣sons to justify his opinion so cautiously collected as shewed he was not without a secret fear Lord Pembroke at length returned and confirming the fatal news added Lord Burleigh had shewn him the contract signed by both But what was the paleness impressed on my counte∣nance to that which spread over the flo∣rid complexion of your lover at this fatal confirmation The silent struggle in his soul surely combined every pang of death without affording its relief—Speech and colour at last returned his complexion now glowed with indignation while his lips trembled with transports of bitterness and grief He quitted us pre∣cipitately and my Lord devoting him∣self
to assuage my sorrow was not im∣mediately sensible of the departure of our friend Alas could either of us possibly have suspected the fate the untoward fate that awaited him
The moment Lord Essex thus abrupt∣ly quitted our house he hastened to that of Sir Francis Walsingham where he found only Lady Sydney who secretly as sensible of his merit as she had before been of my brothers received him with equal surprize and pleasure Without entering into the motives which influenc∣ed his conduct he eagerly tendered him∣self to her acceptance Her objections were those of one who wished to be per∣suaded and he would neither hear of de∣mur or delay his own Chaplain was quickly summoned and the marriage so∣lemnized in a manner almost as sudden and solitary as your own—Ah fatal marriages both beginning and ending in tears—This news broke upon us with the morning Lord Pembroke was as∣tounded I recommended to him to hasten to the wretched bridegroom and
reconcile his mind to the unlucky choice he had thus precipitately made ere rash expressions of grief or disappointment should rouse that turbulent spirit which made my amiable brothers philosophy so soon give way to disgust Well we knew the fiery soul of Essex would spurn at such a bondage however voluntary
The contempt and coldness both Lord Pembroke and myself had always shewn to this imperious woman who first intro∣duced discord into a family before dis∣tinguished by unanimity rendered this a great effort of friendship The time lost in reconciling our feelings to the conde∣scension made it wholly useless My Lord found Sir Francis almost annihilated with surprize and understood at once that his daughter was in fits and Lord Essex gone Unable wholly to conceal the an∣guish that preyed on his spirits and flat∣tering himself a generous confidence in his bride might in time cement their union by the charm of esteem at least Essex had laid open his whole heart to her The mortal hatred she ever enter∣tained
both for yourself and sister she wanted judgment at this period to stifle The melancholy Essex who sought for pity not passion incautiously defended her he had unwarily arraigned The vindictive temper of his bride blazed forth in all its littleness and the quarrel rose so high that early the next morning he ordered his horses and calling her at once his error and his punishment he took his leave with the bitter remark that he followed in all things the fate of Sir Philip Sydney A reproach like this might well shock the most callous heart it threw Lady Essex into fits—Regard∣less of this her Lord mounted and de∣parting with the utmost swiftness was soon out of the reach both of friends and enemies
The Queen who was every day more partial to Essex than she had been the former one insensibly had suffered him to take both in her heart and court the place of Lord Leicester It was the opinion of many that she intended to marry him and the rage this step of
his excited in her lent force to the ex∣travagant conjecture Deeply resenting alike his hasty marriage and abrupt de∣parture she banished his Lady the Court nor did Sir Francis escape a reprimand however undeserving it
Essex soon fitted out some ships with which he joined Drake and Norris and his fame daily endearing him more to the Queen she could hardly support that ap∣pearance of resentment she thought due to his temerity and incessantly languished for his return
We soon had letters from the Earl acknowledging the rash step he had taken in marrying and that to avoid blushing for it in our presence he had thus exiled himself Though pride made him still speak of you with acrimony it was obvi∣ous from the tenor of the whole letter that he had quitted England no less to avoid seeing you than living with the woman he had invested with a legal right to make him unhappy The generous anxiety he shewed for your sister in send∣ing even at this juncture Sir Walter
Curtis once more to Rouen with directi∣ons to spare neither trouble or money to discover Matilda was another new in∣stance of that nobility of mind which al∣ways graces even his faults Consecrat∣ing his cares to a more noble pursuit than love he thus sought to fill up the void the aching void that blighted passion had left in his heart
He was not born for inaction and soon his daring spirit employed the thoughts of the whole nation when Eli∣zabeth who knew too well its present ex∣ertions were but the wild efforts of dis∣appointment and despair relaxed at once from all her apparent rigor and recalled him Disgust had sunk so deep that he still hesitated and nothing but her pe∣remptory command could induce him to return While in daily expectation of him I received your first letter It con∣tained not a word could inform me of your real situation or the motives of an action so eccentric as your acceptance of Lord Arlington Your long silence your obscure and laconic epistle the strong
desire I had to see tranquillity restored to yourself and your lover though happiness had escaped both made me resolve to shew him the letter in which he was not even named if once the subject arose from this I guessed he would most pro∣bably conclude the union with your own free will as well as the retired stile of your present life An opportunity soon offered nor was I mistaken in my judg∣ment Lord Essex perused it in silent astonishment and the conviction it con∣veyed produced a surprising alteration in his mind and manners No symptom of either pride passion or disappointment from that moment has been visible in his conduct Conforming at once to his fate he profited by the indulgence of the Queen and resolved to live decently with his wife if not happily Never since have I heard your name from his lips—I knew not it lived even in his heart and finding this artifice so successful with one I resolved to try it with the other When you related to me the cruel fiction by which Lord Burleigh wrought upon
your feelings what purpose would it have answered to inform you Essex was never concerned in any plot—never imprisoned much less condemned The high sense you entertained of a sacrifice apparently unvalued by him made it improbable any explanation or even conversation should take place between minds thus deeply and justly offended with each other How then was I chagrined to see you on your arrival in London fondly nourish some unfathomable project which threatened wholly to defeat mine Find∣ing all advice ineffectual I thought it most judicious to leave your mind to its own workings hoping the gentleness of your nature would counteract the irri∣tation of your passions Alas my dear this fatal day shews me my error and its extent In how many ways will you now wound the noble heart of Essex—Tor∣tured at once with the anguish of disap∣pointed injured love the narrow doubts of his untractable wife and the arrogant vigilance of the Queen his life will from
this moment be as devoid of comfort as it has long been of hope
The tender motives which dictated this late confession as well as the past concealment the melancholy inference with which Lady Pembroke concluded all made a deep impression and opened every sluice of tenderness to the great relief of my oppressed and burning heart No my generous amiable friend re∣turned I in a more equal tone than Lady Pembroke expected I cannot miscon∣strue conduct which has ever had the most upright intention and in doing justice to that of the afflicted Essex you supply me motives for an exertion I should otherwise sink under The necessity for prevent∣ing a part of the evils my imprudence may occasion will recall me to reason honor and myself—Oh thou cried I melting into tears too dearly beloved too deeply lamented pardon me if I pass a dark and dewy cloud over the bright star of thy distinguished fortune soon will it emerge with undiminished splen∣dor while I alone shall drop in tears
enriching the earth that hides me—And thou too most favored among wo∣men in being born to share his fate en∣deavour but to make it happy and she who has no use for life but to weep thy lot will join to crown it with every earthly felicity I find my fluctuating mind unequal to entering further on the interesting subject concluded I on arriv∣ing at home Adieu my dear Lady Pembroke be this embrace the pledge of mutual pardon and if you have not blushed for the last as well as first time for your poor friend her better self must again desert her She strained me to the purest bosom that ever beat and left me once more alone with that unstable counsellor my own erring heart
The return of Lord Arlington exas∣perated by the rage of the Queen and the surmises of the Court tried my firm∣est resolutions perhaps even those would have been unequal to the conflict but that I remembered my promise to Lady Pembroke and was determined to sup∣ply a bright example to that noble lover
I now considered as equally unfortunate with myself I remained from this pe∣riod wholly at home yet not without ex∣pecting some intelligence from Lord Es∣sex though I knew not how he could possibly convey it It reached me at last in the most extraordinary manner Lady Pembroke seized the first interval of lone∣liness to address me Perplexed cir∣cumstances make strange emissaries said she sighing—who would have imagined I should request to convey the letter of Lord Essex to you Ellinor but finding him determined on thus addressing you I voluntarily undertook the trust as well to judge of all that passed as to prevent his humiliating himself and you to what∣ever servant he could bribe and perhaps if he erred in his choice of a messenger it would be to the ruin of your peace and reputation
Hardly hearing this generous pream∣ble my eager eyes were fixed on the let∣ter and I gave the fair hand that held it the spontaneous kiss I was at first tempt∣ed to bestow on the precious paper—
Ah how affecting were the emotions produced by the sight of that wellknown hand His language was impassioned and incoherent—he accused himself me the friends of both and the overruling fate which actuated all He seemed as∣sured fraud mystery and a thousand yet unknown execrable arts had been com∣bined to separate us He conjured me to discover both the persons and the means He spoke of Lord Arlington rather as a weak tool in the hands of his more crafty enemies than the object of that deep and eternal resentment which only slept till I supplied it one Scorn continued he the narrow prejudices of custom and your sex nor be wholly the sacrifice of situation Dare to be sincere and think an adherence to your first sa∣cred vows vows dear as inviolable the true point of honor of religion and mo∣rality Oh call to mind the fatal mo∣ment when you tore yourself inexorably from arms that beauteous form no more perhaps shall fill—A little confidence a little faith had then made both happy
now alas they can only make us less miserable Yet speak my betrothed love concluded he—tell me all—Once more I conjure you by those rights your falshood or death alone can annul tell me all and by your care of the life which throbs within this agitated bosom give me a motive for wishing it to linger there
As I perused this touching transcript of his soul mine melted within me—Nevertheless I resolved to act up to the idea I had formed and snatching a pen I thus replied to him
In giving you my heart my Lord I own I gave you a right in every action of my life which though events may suspend they cannot annihilate—Alas the only right I reserved to myself was that of concealing aught which might render you unhappy Suffer me then to bury in this bosom the combination of fatal events which tore us from each other Need I tell you they have wrung it even to phrenzy for nothing less could have justified the premeditated shock I
cruelly gave you The deep effect of my presence—perhaps for why should I conceal it that of your own join with a severe duty in telling me while thus circumstanced we must meet no more The world a busy partial judge de∣lights in beholding the execution of those painful sentences it imposes Ah chosen of my soul remember its afflictions can only be completed by your failing in the arduous trial I am otherwise resolved to sustain Rob me not of the melancholy pleasure fortune still allows me in what∣ever solitude I am henceforth buried of thinking him I selected from all man∣kind was every thing but an Angel
Above the slavery of opinion I know no guide but rectitude that tells me Heaven itself will approve the efforts I yet make to charm you to life to great∣ness and to glory—Oh awful father of universal being whose will alone could snatch from each the only object in cre∣ation sanctify to the noblest purpose these dictates of my reason and form both for the separate lots appointed us
Elevate the passions of my Essex above the little motives of revenge or malice—sublime his love into philanthropy his rage into heroism—And oh on the frail heart which now bleeds before thee bestow patience and resignation so to pass each long day as if the next were to unite me to him I solicit not strength to ex∣pel him from that heart—no rather may he ever continue its sole object but be his conduct so ennobled that when both are called with the whole world before thy dread tribunal I may look down on the misjudging part of it and truly say—Father it is not Essex I have loved but Virtue in his person
This passionate apostrophe however highly wrought in the cool judgment of Lady Pembroke was even in her opinion entirely calculated for the romantic spirit to whom it was addressed I earnestly besought the amiable Essex to suffer this to end the correspondence which ad∣mitted not an indulgence beyond those conveyed in the letter and gave it into the hands of my friend with that sweet
sense of selfapplause which ever attends the consciousness of having gone beyond a painful duty
Yes still this dear sensation remains to me—it irradiates at intervals the deep gloom which steeps my soul and anni∣hilates my senses—I fear I begin again to wander for my hand writing appears to my own eyes that of Essex—Oh how tight my head my heart seems bound—will no one loosen the shrunk fibres—Hark Is not that this Queen—No—It was but the deep voice of the Winters wind
Poor Essex—and did my letter thus deeply affect him—Did he so fondly press it to his lips—Did he blister it with his tears Those I have shed for thee Essex would have drowned thee had they been treasured—Unequalled Ellinor—Oh most adored—Yes I will pursue the bright wanderings of the pure mind I have assisted to unsettle and be
all she wishes me from this moment—Who told him I wandered then I won∣der—I am sure I always strove against it before him—Ah dear and precious sentiments how my soul imbibes the charm—Have you not a penknife Lady Pembroke to write these words in my heart—on my very heart—Oh I would have them sink deep—deep—would feel as well as see them—And thou too memory treacherous memory for once do thou retain the pleasant tone of the voice that repeated them—not even Lady Pembrokes own is so harmo∣nious
Married to Lord Arlington did you say—Oh such a marriage—What did he gain by villainy and fraud the in∣supportable society of a wild wretch whose weary spirit threatened every mo∣ment to escape and leave in his arms the vile dross he thus purchased—And yet they tell me it is so—he drags me
about with him still and calls me his—his Oh Heavens—But I am nobodys else mark that—mark that or we shall perhaps have murder and I not there to step between the fatal swords and see which will befriend me
Matilda I have not told you about that I think—but I am not very able just now such a heavy sleepiness seals up every faculty—and yet if I dont now I never may wake more you know—but I have waked over and over again now I recollect till I am quite tired and so for once I will sink quietly into a slumber and dream of you
Let me snatch a moment of reason and recollection to forward my story—In pur∣suance of the good resolutions I had formed I requested leave of Lord Arling∣ton to reside for the future wholly at St Vincents Abbey to which he readily con∣sented If my offered retirement did not wholly obviate his suspicions it left him
at least no pretence for tormenting me with them His character I ever found of a common stamp credulous and mu∣table yet selfwilled and passionate vain of the rights of his rank without merit to distinguish them he always conceived himself injured when another was pre∣ferred and the partiality of Elizabeth towards his rival offended him almost as much as that I had so obviously ex∣pressed
The generous Essex respected my peace and virtue so far that after another fruit∣less effort to persuade me to see him he consented to pursue the path I had traced out and satisfied of my fidelity swore sacredly to cherish the sentiments I had permitted him to retain It was needless to ask partial intelligence of a man who employed the voice of the kingdom I had fortunately distinguished one fame had adopted I therefore took a tender leave of Lady Pembroke and mingling my parting tears with a thousand un∣spoken blessings by an effort of virtue I admired in myself I boldly encountered
my fate determined to use every effort to render it as supportable as might be
St Vincents Abbey again received me This mansion Lord Arlington had pur∣chased at the time of his marriage less for any charms he perceived in it than the advantages of the country round which supplied him every variety of rural diversion Here I at last began to breathe and forming my mind to that melancholy repose a decided destiny however deplorable allows I called to my aid the sustaining principles of reli∣gion and morality I turned my feeble feet towards every dwelling misfortune had passed over and raising both with gifts and soothing the sad wretches she had depressed reflected back into my own bosom the comforts I had bestowed I gathered into the Abbey such of their children as were weakly and deformed and while those blessed with florid health pursued the track of labour the others were instructed in tapestry point read∣ing writing and musick according to their sex and age Surrounded by these
affecting objects who thus found in the liberality of art a counterbalance for the unkindness of nature I sometimes touched my lute with sensations so sub∣lime that fancy dispersed every bodily imperfection in my little auditory and lighting up their cheeks with the softest tinge of the morning I seemed to see the human robes of wretchedness drop off and the light pinions of immortality wave towards Heaven—Striving by such and indeed every means in my power to shut out the fruitless wishes for lost happiness which still beat fervently at my heart I filled up with unceasing employments the long long year Often did my feet wan∣der towards the cell and the Recess Often in the wellknown windings of that wood where once we carolled toge∣ther notes as careless and pleasant as those of the birds around us have I paused my sister and watered with embittered tears the precious memorials of days that never could return
Conscious I could ill brook the least doubt or enquiry into my conduct I
made it an invariable rule never to pass the gate unaccompanied yet Lord Ar∣lington conceived an antipathy to this solitary asylum every day increased I did not compliment him with a total for∣bearance of the few amusements inno∣cence and retirement allowed Alas I learnt from his conduct that jealousy the most restless and insatiate of all our passions mingles in the habit even when driven out of the heart—Had his love known the refinements common to that passion in a generous nature he would have felt that an unhappy attachment is nourished by solitude and home and that the person who once resolves to ven∣ture abroad shews a noble resolution to contend with it A thousand times he haunted my footsteps he broke in upon my loneliness You would have thought he had taken pleasure in beholding the tears and regrets he first occasioned
The dotage of the Queen became every day more manifest and even the blow she in one of her wild transports gave Es∣sex more disgraced herself than him—
His intrepid resentment—his uncourtly sincerity—his haughty retirement—every action of his life confirmed that admira∣tion I still thought myself entitled to cherish The unbounded power he af∣terwards possessed when reconciled shew∣ed the extravagance of her attachment and Elizabeth cruel inexorable to me in every other instance crowned to her own disgrace in this the only wish she had permitted me to retain
After several ineffectual efforts to gain distinction at Court Lord Arlington con∣ceived himself injured and by retiring wholly into the country persecuted me the year round with his company But not having a taste for the sciences nor any of those resources a strong under∣standing involuntarily supplies even to the unfortunate he existed only while employed Hawking hunting and fish∣ing spun out the tedious years and a rus∣tic company often closed the evening with intoxication That apathy my exhaust∣ed passions had now sunk into appeared to his undiscern•••〈◊〉 content and
as his own love abated he fancied mine increased till he made a discovery his most needy parasite never seconded—that we were at length entirely happy
To confirm this surprizing happiness which existed only in his own imaginati∣on and perhaps owed its creation to con∣tinual inebriation he resolved to exter∣minate those ruins where I had owned I passed my childhood and which he thought still kept alive embittered re∣membrances time would otherwise erase His Steward suggested that the materials were wanted to erect a manufacture in the neighbourhood and that the cutting down the surrounding woods now grown to valuable timber would more than an∣swer to the expence incurred while new plantations would at once open the pros∣pect on that side the Abbey and deprive me of an inanimate object of affection of which Lord Arlington still entertained a jealousy as excessive as preposterous
This proposal met the strongest oppo∣sition from me on every account it was dreadful to think of annihilating every
trace of my youth every object which could remind me I had ever been belov∣ed or connected To disturb the sacred ashes of my early protectors and leave them exposed to the winds of Heaven and the hands of the laborer—But it was yet more dreadful to me to risque the little peace I had been able to collect from the wreck of all my hopes—to wake wishes which were perhaps torpid only because vain—to tempt Lord Essex to break the promise I had wrung from him—in short to take the most remote chance of again beholding him—for to prevent the daily regret I might experi∣ence at being a spectator of this disagree∣able metamorphosis in my favourite spot Lord Arlington was determined to take me for that time to London In vain I remonstrated the stronger my disgust appeared the less he imagined he had to dread nor among his whole round of suppositions once thought it possible I could fear myself Painful experience now reminded me that the least hint on this subject would be ruin and every
other reason rather strengthening his de∣sign I was compelled to yield to it—How readily with every passing mile recurred the dear habitual impressions My quickened pulses were again animated by my heart and I beheld even the palace without disgust because Essex reigned there Lady Pembroke met me with an embrace neither time or absence had chilled She surveyed my amended looks with infinite satisfaction and flattered herself because I was no longer a spec∣tre I was happy Ah much erring friend the embers of that fatal fire tears had almost quenched again were gradu∣ally relighting—I felt almost disappoint∣ed at hearing Essex was still on the seas that crowned with victory at Cadiz his valour had only been surpassed by his conduct The sensation this news excited rendered me sensible of the precipice on which I stood and thanking Heaven most devoutly for his absence I acknow∣ledged in it my safety
The few friends fortune had left me welcomed my return with ardor and in their society my subdued spirits might have found some relief had I been per∣mitted an unlimited share of it but Lord Arlington saw the world in a dif∣ferent point of view when mingling with it and at a distance The habit of be∣ing informed of every employment of mine he did not witness had now grown upon him so strongly that he laid an em∣bargo on my time and suffered none of it to be passed out of his own house without he was of the party Indigna∣tion was by nature the marking feature of my soul—Alas what sufferings had it already entailed upon me—This glar∣ing insult at once shocked my feelings and struck at my principles—Those traits of bitterness and wildness I had strove to obliterated in solitude and silence again appeared in my character I became sullen and impenetrable—for my own sake I forbore violence and error but I no longer cared whether I was supposed to do so—Perhaps Lord Arlington was
not so culpable as he at first appeared for the hatred of the Countess of Essex in∣exorably pursued me—From the fatal mo∣ment when I fainted at Court she believed herself licensed in her injurious surmises they had long known no bounds and expecting her Lord home daily she by remote and artful insinuations poisoned the mind of mine to secure her from any danger should Essex arrive
Weak and misjudging woman—had she generously sympathized in the cruel events which robbed me of happiness to cast it away on her my melting heart would have spent its last breath in wish∣ing that happiness perpetuated The purest mind alone attracts the venom of the world as the ether the vapors of the earth but like that unless agitated to a storm soon recovers its clearness and insensibly returns in blessings the grossness it exhaled Far from meditat∣ing any injury to the Countess of Essex I respected too much the peace of her husbands mind to recall to his re∣membrance
a wretch born but to de∣stroy it
Nevertheless I did not think virtue herself would refuse me one little satis∣faction I could not but desire a picture of the storming of Cadiz had been drawn by a Spanish painter taken there and sent by Essex to Lord Pembroke Among the many portraits it preserved his own was the most conspicuous and every one pro∣nounced it the finest ever drawn It at∣tracted the curiosity of all ranks of peo∣ple and the gallery it was placed in was scarcely ever empty It was so much the topic of discourse that fashion must have excited a desire in me to see it had my heart been uninterested Yet the unrea∣sonable jealousy of Lord Arlington con∣demned me to silence nor dared I pro∣pose visiting Lady Pembroke at this cri∣sis lest the desire should be construed into a proof of mental guilt My na∣ture spurned at the constraint to which I found myself subjected and my amiable friend fearful I should suffer in my in∣tellects
more severely for the selfdenial than I possibly could for the indulgence planned a method by which she thought the illeffects of either guarded against
The Queen gave an entertainment at Greenwich on the marriage of one of her favorites to which she invited the whole Court and a variety of masques and other entertainments were projected—Lady Pembroke could not dispense with appearing there nor could Lord Arling∣ton Convinced he must for once be safely absent she proposed calling in her barge ere she went to Greenwich and conveying me to her house leaving me in the gallery with orders to her ser∣vants to attend me home whenever I pleased
In this project there was nothing dis∣honourable or unsafe and I embraced it readily Lord Arlington I knew was to be at Greenwich in the morning as the bridegroom was his relation and I waited for the appointed moment with an impatience those only who live like
me whole years upon a look can judge of
Lady Pembroke executed this design with as much facility as she had formed it and passing on to Greenwich committed me to the care of her family who were told it was my intention to copy a beau∣tiful drawing of their Lady fixed up in the gallery How disdainful of mystery is a truly noble soul I stopt short on the threshold and could I with∣out singularity have ventured immedi∣ately to return I had not entered the house It was silent and solitary all but the inferior domestics having followed ei∣ther their Lord or Lady The servants who conducted me locked the door by which I entered to guard me from in∣truders to whom this picture had accus∣tomed them—Ah how lively was my emotion to behold the features indelibly impressed on my heart perpetuated with almost the same strength and truth In the act of wresting a sword the inflamed eye of him who held it shewed had a
moment before been pointed at the Eng∣lish Generals bosom Essex proudly looked down on the surrounding Spani∣ards whose impassioned gestures suppli∣cated for the life of him who had thus immediately attacked the conqueror—Ah Heaven cried I fearfully bursting into tears have I thus long dreamt of glory—honor—immortality—nor consi∣dered the dangers by which thou must acquire them—Waste not those precious gems on senseless canvas said a voice to which my heart was born to vi∣brate—behold thy Essex himself thy faithful Essex as truly thine as when this soft hand first returned his ardent pressure—Alas my sister what a vi∣cissitude of powerful emotions took pos∣session of my soul and set every feature at an event so unexpected Fear and horror were however prevalent and seem∣ed to check the sweetness of again be∣holding him for though my eyes sur∣veyed his form my heart for the first time seemed to shut him out and fold
itself up in utter darkness—You speak not my beloved added he oh satisfy my agonized heart and let me think you know me—Know you Ah Essex faltered I redoubling my tears can aught but the grave obliterate those features from my memory—Perhaps even that wants the power—but a thou∣sand nameless miseries make me shrink from the moment—make my terrified soul shrink even from you—Col∣lect yourself my worshipped Ellinor resumed he believe me I come not an artful black seducer—chance and chance only has crowned wishes so long sub∣mitted to your will It would not suffer those sacred sighs to become common air those lovely tears to fall upon the earth it sent me here to profit by indul∣gences you were willing to bestow on my shadow—If I withhold them from yourself returned I endeavouring to collect my fluttered thoughts impute it not to my will but to the overruling fate which has torn us from each other
—Oh Essex let us not venture once to look behind but consider only the pre∣sent—the time the place the person would stamp me with ignominy if disco∣vered and rob me of the only pride the only consolation fortune has left me—I have long ceased to live to the world and to myself but to my God and you I yet owe an exertion of the principles he gave and you called into acti∣on—I rose deeply disordered and attempted to draw away my hand but his firmer nerves obstinately retained the trembling prisoner and my heart yielding to his piercing solicitations for a few minutes I sat down once more with him by my side—Good Heavens while I relate this it appears a mere vision—Did I really see Essex—Were my senses really revived by that voice so long for∣gotten except when fancy recalled it—Ah I have had but too sad a conviction this has been however strange and im∣possible it appears— Wrong me not with supposing I would entrap you my
sweet love said he I am even now ar∣rived in England nor did I foresee in yielding to pique in a secret return how great a happiness I should ensure to my∣self—disgusted with the injustice of the doating Queen who has graced Howard with the laurels won by me I resolved to call my friends secretly together and Pembroke is just gone to collect them—at midnight all are to meet here and agree on the way most likely to punish her un∣fair decision By a happiness in my for∣tune unguessed by him and unforeseen by me we walked in this gallery while consulting and when left alone the fa∣tigue of my journey made me throw my∣self on the couch in yon window and draw the curtain to indulge the drowsi∣ness with which I was seized How sweet∣ly was my slumber disturbed by her who has broken so many with sorrow Dear was the surprize with which I saw her enter I saw the careful servant as if ac∣tuated by love enclose her and retire Entranced with a pleasure which almost
took from me the power of motion I beheld her lovely eyes fixed on my inani∣mate portrait I saw or rather I felt the tender expressions her unguarded soul ut∣tered—What dreary ages have elapsed since my eyes have been thus permitted to fix themselves on hers—since in this dear hand I grasped the blessing that was to have given value as well as happiness to my future life—Alas my Lord resumed I recollect that those pleasant days those flattering hopes those dear wishes a higher power has annihilated—nor while the tie which robbed you of this trembling hand subsists can I suffer it to be thus pressed in yours Yet recollect at the same moment the influence you still have over my heart—an influence virtue alone contests with you—Ah gen∣tle Essex fix not an angry eye upon me—you know not the wound you give—the horrors you may occasion—The wild accent of my voice struck even my own ear and not daring to trust it with another syllable I strove to bury my agi∣tation
and sensibility in silence—Alas nature was too highly wrought—A suffo∣cation more painful than fainting ensued and agonized with surprize tenderness and fear Essex would have called loudly for assistance I retained just sense enough to prevent him and throwing open a window he then sought to recover me by vows of implicit obedience My fa∣culties were almost restored when a noise at the door made me wish them for ever annihilated No longer able to consider the just or proper I threw myself for shelter into those arms that gladly open∣ed to receive me and buried my face in the sattin cloak of Essex The voice I dreaded rushed upon my ear and in∣creasing my terror caused me to grasp my safeguard more closely—A danger too pressing for apologies obliged that generous lover to throw me from him—I opened my fearful eyes soon fixed by horror to behold the swords of Lord Essex and Lord Arlington pointed at each others bosoms Why did not my
frail and erring reason at this perilous moment forsake me Alas I was never more sensible of agony and terror I thought the cry I sent forth must be mor∣tal but perceiving it insufficient either to kill me or prevent the bloody conflict I started up and forcibly flung myself be∣tween their swords that of my husband pierced my shoulder while his more skil∣ful adversary wounded and disarmed him Inured to every kind of misery save this I beheld my streaming blood with a dis∣may unknown before and from the faintness it occasioned never doubted that I approached the period so often wished for and pronounced myself dy∣ing—Then raising my eyes to the pale statue of Essex who resting on the two swords hung in silent agony over me I adjured him to vindicate my fame and beseeching the Almighty to receive my guiltless spirit and crown his future days with that honor and happiness I alone had interrupted I turned toward the er∣ring wretch beside me with whose flow∣ing
blood mine mingled and having at∣tested in broken accents my innocence deigned to request his forgiveness I had no longer however power even to receive it Extreme weakness blended for once objects ever before so distinct and I ceased to feel for the lover or dread the husband
Are not these Woods
More free from peril than the envious Court
Here feel we but the penalty of Adam
The seasons difference
WHEN the sick languor of the faintings gave place to reflection I found myself in my own bed whither I understood I had been conveyed by the orders of Lord Arlington as soon as the wound was staunched—his proved so slight that it left him no pretence for apprehension Eagerly I enquired for Lady Pembroke when to my inexpressible rage and astonishment I was informed she had been turned from my door whither friendship led her to venture a repulse
The immaculate character of that admirable woman I thought even Lord Arlington would have respected but without deigning to inform himself of the real circumstances of the unforeseen interview he had so dreadfully interrupted by this rude implication he treated two of the most estimable and distinguished persons in the kingdom as abettors if not contrivers of his dishonor—The little blood left in my veins turned to gall at the idea I watched an opportunity to tear away the bandages and disdainfully resigning myself to a premature fate endeavoured to forget the generous hearts this rash action would pierce—The awful God whose justice I thus questioned still extended to me his mercy—my dangerous situation was discovered in time by my careful attendants who infinitely more attached to me than their Lord used every means to prolong the life he perhaps wished at its period
In the cruel state of mind which dictated this desperate resolution it proved
a melancholy advantage as the injury now fell on my constitution only and my intellects escaped It was many months ere I had strength to cross a room or spirts to venture a question—during this memorable interval I called together every enfeebled power and placing my conscience as umpire between myself and Lord Arlington fixed and ascertained the rights of either Convicted even by my own heart of imprudence I wondered not he construed error into guilt and while thus cool offered him every vindication of my innocence he could reasonably desire but Lord Arlington was the slave of passion and caprice and not having firmness of soul to form or fix a judgment followed through years with invincible obstinacy the impression of the first moment—From this period he ever treated me as an artful woman whos e licentious conduct had obliged him to risque his life in vain defence of that honor already sullied and lost in my
person nor did he affect to assert his legal rights from any other reason than to separate me from Lord Essex This conduct and the misrepresentations of Lady Essex blazed the fatal incident throughout the Court and fixed a stain on my character time could never erase—happily that stain reached not my person or my heart and an injustice so aggravating on the part of Lord Arlington entitled me to forgive the little error in myself which occasioned it
In this conjuncture I once more turned my tearful eyes every way around in search of a protector to interfere between me and a fate alike unmerited and severe—Alas there was not a human being virtue allowed me to call to my aid and I exercised the faculties Heaven had so unexpectedly blessed me with by resolving to suffer with patience
Elizabeth Vernon our old companion the fair and gentle cousin of Lord Essex resolved if possible to see me—she addressed
Lord Arlington and demanded that privilege the favor she held with the Queen hindered him from denying a request he granted with the utmost reluctance That sweet girl bathed me in the tears of innocence and affection—she told me the fear lest his presence should incense Lord Arlington to further brutality had induced Essex when I lost my senses to withdraw from a scene which rent his very heart—the same reason still obliged him to remain at a distance—That during the long and dire uncertainty attending my illness he had scarcely breathed—his own soul continually told him how pure mine was Fancy presented me to him forever pale speechless expiring my sad eyes rivetted on his with a tenderness death itself could not extinguish however guiltless of my blood every drop which oozed from my veins seemed to congeal on his heart in fine that almost deified by my sufferings and his sense of them I reigned alone in his affections which were from this moment
consecrated to me by a most convincing proof Having used the utmost art and diligence to discover how Lord Arlington so soon became apprized of his secret return to England and a meeting so unplanned and sudden as to interrupt it almost immediately though supposed to be as far off as Greenwich Lord Essex learnt that his Master of the Horse being among the domestics he brought with him to Pembroke House had quitted it as soon as he alighted and hastened to Greenwich in search of a girl attending on Lady Essex of whom he was enamored through her means her Lady became likewise acquainted with his secret arrival without knowing its motive That suspicious woman had already remarked Lord Arlington was among the bridal train and in his hearing published the return of her Lord with all her own injurious surmises—ill fortune for once had given them the colour of truth and Lord Arlington needed no more than the hint to make him mount the swiftest horse and
fly to satisfy himself—Lady Essex was quickly informed of an incident she ought to have foreseen and giving way to another extravagance passionately conjured every friend she met to follow and prevent the conflict to which her Lord now stood exposed—but when could friendship keep pace with love and vengeance The straggling mediators arrived only time enough to witness the event no human power could guard against Incensed beyond all bounds at the conduct of his Lady the rash Essex took the only step wanting to my ruin Determined to make her share the misery she had occasioned he parted with her at once and forever—in vain were all her subsequent vows of sorrow and repentance—in vain had she from that moment indulged hopes of his cooling and conciliating—his temper till this fatal period no less yielding than fiery now assumed a cold and philosophic sternness in fine that the grief and disappointment to which Lady Essex resigned herself would severely punish her
unjust suspicions and ere long release her Lord from the illjudged bondage he had hitherto groaned so impatiently under
The fair Elizabeth thus ended her recital which was so clear concise and affecting that I could not avoid taxing her with being the emissary of her cousin her blushes acquitted her and bespoke a secret time soon explained She was secretly beloved by the gallant Southampton that heroic friend who was only less attached to Essex than myself and from him had learnt the various particulars public report could not apprise her of—I held myself infinitely indebted to her friendship and through her means sent that farewell to Lady Pembroke I was not allowed to pronounce
It had been but too obvious through her whole recital that I was totally the victim of calumny nor could any human power now justify me—I had been found in the arms of Essex—the fact was indubitable the true cause of that fatal impulse not likely to be credited even when repeated
My youth my wound and my past conduct blended the rash judgment of the many with compassion but the most liberalminded ventured not to acquit me Those impassioned vindications the conscious soul of Essex offered were always considered as a mere point of honor in him and no less necessary to his own justification than mine and thus only served to stamp guilt on both—Oh misjudging world how severely on the most superficial observation dost thou venture to decide—let the barbed arrow of misfortune rest in the bosom it has wounded nor by inhumanly tearing it out to discover whence it came rack the heart already broken
Defamed dejected and forgotten by all but the generous sisters of the Sydney family I followed once more my fate in Lord Arlington and reached again that Abbey destined alike to entomb me in playful childhood and in blasted youth—the same imperious will which had destroyed me had deprived that venerable mansion of its sweet its solitary charms—the
hallowed spot where once the ivied trophies of time bound up the defaced ones of religion presented nothing now but a bare and barren level and the lofty woods which so long protected alike the living and the dead had wholly given place to infant plantations through the thinness of which the weary eye every where pierced I turned with disgust from the desolated scene and locking myself up in the remotest and most gloomy chamber of the Abbey spent my life in meditating on my every loss
Lord Arlington now valuing me only as the appendage of his pride consoled himself for my undissembled aversion and cared not what employed me provided I was yet his legal prisoner—Alas I had no longer resolution to rest my hopes on any object—to form any subordinate design or to reap any subordinate pleasure The poor children still supported by my bounty no more touched the Jute in my presence—that over which my own fingers once wandered with the wild elegance of untried youth
now useless and unstrung hung up an emblem of the discordant soul of its owner Taste genius and science those rich columes with which enthusiastic fancy erects in peaceful minds a thousand light aerial structures deep sunk and broken in my heart presented to the mental eye a ruin more terrible than the noblest speculation ever paused over—Misanthropy blackvisaged misanthropy reigned there like a solitary savage unconscious of the value of those treasures his rude hand every day more and more defaced
I was roused one night with the information that a favorite servant of Lord Arlingtons who had long languished in a consumption now found himself at the point of death and importunately demanded to speak with me—but illdisposed at this season even to the gentle offices of humanity and convinced he could have nothing to impart I should think of consequence I rejected the request but finding his Lord was inebriated beyond the power of comprehending
him on being again sollicited I rose and accompanied by a maid who loved me entered the sick mans chamber—I cast a harsh and cold glance round and hardly heard the thanks he gave me—having dismissed all the servants except the maid I mentioned I prepared to listen to him imagining some matter relative to his office of chief bailiff and surveyor alone could thus disturb his last hours—Lady said he in the hollow broken voice of approaching dissolution I could not have departed in peace had you not bestowed this indulgence—pardon me I beseech you for proposing to my Lord the destruction of those ruins I have since seen too plainly your heart was ever wrapt in—alas that proposal costs me my life—Condescend too to listen to a secret which continually drags back my soul when striving to quit her dungeon—my crime perhaps brings with it a sufficient punishment—In removing the rubbish of the artificial hermits cell in compliance with the directions of my Lord I one day saw a common laborer turn up
something which tried his whole strength when casting a quick and fearful glance around he covered it with earth I dispatched the men in hearing to another part and seizing the arm of him I had watched I insisted on seeing what he had endeavoured to conceal—it proved to be a small iron chest strongly fastened—I agreed with him to convey it away till the evening when he might rejoin me and we would open it and divide the contents together He yielded rather to necessity than choice and I took the casket with a purpose God has severely punished—the many keys intrusted to my care supplied one which immediately opened it under a number of papers and trifles of no value I found a large sum in gold and a few jewels—as I knew my partner in the discovery had remarked that the chest was heavy in the room of the gold and jewels I substituted an iron crucifix and many rusty keys then locking the casket waited anxiously for the evening The poor laborer seeing me return wistfully examined my features
but not daring to express the doubt visible in his own expected in silence the deciding hour I suffered him to take infinite pains to break open a chest I was conscious would not repay the labor—great was the poor wretchs disappointment when he emptied it—I affected the same chagrin but turning over the papers I offered to give him twenty nobles a sure proof had he reflected a single moment that I must have wronged him he readily accepted this proposal and at my desire promised never to mention the incident then with much apparent gratitude departed Eagerly I replaced my guilty gains and secretly resolved to take an early opportunity of quitting my Lord to commence builder in London but fear did not suffer me for a time to venture this measure alas I have wanted health since to do any thing—from this moment peace appetite and rest have fled me—if worn out with watching I dropt into a slumber the idea that my treasure was stolen has made me often start up and regardless of the cold sweat
the mere apprehension has produced I have flown in the dead of night to convince myself it was safe—imaginary whispers have ever been near my bed and uncertain forms have glided through my chamber—the dawn of day never gave me relief every eye seemed to dive into my secret and every hand to be intent on impoverishing me—in a word Lady to this sad moment it has prematurely brought me for many months doubtful whether I should survive I have been considering how to bestow that wealth I could no longer hope to enjoy—the poor man I so basely defrauded of it perished a short time after by the fall of a pillar and restitution to him can never be made It came into my head this evening that you were said to have been brought up in these ruins certainly I had often seen you walk and weep on the very spot where this chest was found perhaps in giving it to you I only restore it to the right owner accept it Madam and swear you will never discover the gift to my Lord—This request appeared a
needless injunction if the treasure had not been obtained by defrauding Lord Arlington and though perhaps I should have been silent through choice I thought it beneath me to engage to be so—finding me pause he continued fear not any ill design in this request Madam you will one day be glad you complied with it and for your own sake alone is it proposed the hand of my Lord is grudging—yours bounteous as that of heaven—Do not rob yourself of the means to be liberal which now are offered to you—yet on no other condition than the vow of silence will I give it up A strange desire to examine the papers more than any I felt for the money made me at last acquiesce My maid by his direction drew the iron chest from an obscure corner and emptied it of both gold jewels and papers which she and I divided and with some difficulty concealed till we reached my apartment—he seemed only to have lived to make this discovery and a few hours after expiated his sin with his life
While he strove to impress my mind with the necessity of concealing the adventure I pondered deeply over it not easily discerning how I should interpret this strange ordination of providence it at last occurred to me the treasure might be put into my hands for the assistance and comfort of my sister—how did I know whether she was not even then hastening towards me perhaps impoverished certainly distressed—Oh how consolatory should I find it to minister to her external wants though those of her heart should be beyond my power of comforting The contempt I felt for Lord Arlington was rooted too deep to admit of my thus applying his fortune had I been the unlimited mistress of it I therefore saw a degree of wisdom and propriety in receiving and secreting a gift heaven seemed so strangely to put into my hands as if it were to forerun some yet unknown incident
The papers consisted chiefly of the correspondence between Mrs Marlow and
Father Anthony while yet they were lovers and after the cruel discovery which annulled the nominal union—I perused these invaluable epistles with pulsations of tenderness I lately thought myself incapable of they recalled me to life and sensibility and I gathered fortitude from those who now were dust I raised my eyes to heaven in search of their pure translated souls and wandering from planet to planet fancied there must be one peculiarly allotted to lovers now no longer unhappy—A thousand trifles whose value must ever be ideal and local were preserved with these letters cyphers hair sonnets dear perpetuators of those bright hours of youth we look back on with pleasure to the latest moment of decaying life I kissed the innocent reliques of such an unhappy attachment with devout regard and held them not the least part of my legacy
Time dissipated the flattering illusion which led me to expect my sister—my mind sunk into its usual inertitude
and the acquisition remained if not forgotten at least neglected
From this profound stupor I was at last roused as by an earthquake—Lord Arlington in hunting fell from his horse and breaking some bloodvessel was brought home to appearance lifeless—conscience and humanity called on me to forget my injuries I made every effort to save him and for a time he appeared to mend but the incurable habit of inebriety he even at this period indulged defeated both care and medicine and after enduring a series of sufferings which annihilated my sense of wrong he expired in the prime of his days
Good heaven what a transition did this event make in my life—habituated to slavery—accustomed to suppose Lord Arlington destined to survive me I beheld this incredible revolution with mute surprise—the horror of his sufferings gave way when they ceased to the sweet idea of liberty—liberty sighed out my weary heart ah to what purpose is mine now
restored I beheld myself in the situation of a criminal whose shackles are struck off only to launch him into the immense ocean in a little boat without rudder oars or sustenance—where could I find a hope to rest on alone in the vast universe I turned around in vain in search of one generous hand whose aid I might receive without fear or shame
The relation of Lord Arlington who succeeded to his title and estate was an illiterate rude sea officer whom his illness alone had detained in England He came on the news of his decease escorting the late Lords two sisters to whom the personals were all devised I waited only the reading of the will to quit the melancholy mansion I meant to abjure for the future—Gracious heaven how deep was my indignation and rage to find myself mentioned in it as an insane wretch to whom he bequeathed a mere maintenance and left to be confined under the charge of his sisters in St Vincents Abbey which as a purchase of his own
descended to them Never in all the trials I had hitherto experienced had I felt a transport like that this usage excited—to extend his tyranny beyond the grave—Mean execrable wretch even at the moment I was exhausting the little constitution his cruelty had left me in unwearied attendance deliberately to condemn me to an imprisonment so shocking and render it perpetual—human nature could not resist so pungent a pang—it made the misery it punished and I sunk into the dreary gulph once more from which I was lately emerging—my brain still fires but to remember it—Oh my sister whatever the inflictions of your mysterious fate those of mine may surely dispute the woeful preeminence
The overjoyed Essex dispatched an express as soon as the news of Lord Arlingtons death reached the Court conjuring me to quit the melancholy prison I had so long inhabited and retire to a
seat of Lord Southampton in Herefordshire whither that noblemans bride would immediately repair to meet and comfort me Lady Southampton was the fair cousin of Lord Essex I formerly mentioned who by marrying privately had wholly lost the favor of the Queen The declining state of Lady Essexs health he added daily promised him that freedom made doubly desirable now I had recovered mine It had always been the intention of Lady Southampton to follow her Lord to Ireland and he besought me to give him the sweet satisfaction of knowing I was safe in the company and protection of his cousin solemnly promising not to obtrude himself on me ere the laws of society authorized the avowal of those sentiments which had so long lived in his heart
The relations of Lord Arlington possessing by his will an absolute power intercepted and opened this Letter—far from pouring the balm it contained into my bleeding heart they kept the dear testimony
of an unequalled attachment and sent back the messenger with the melancholy news of my insanity and confinement but Lord Essex had been already duped and could not easily credit this information He deputed Henry Tracey a young officer much in his confidence to ascertain my real situation commanding him not to be dismissed by any other mode of conviction than being admitted into my presence—Alas ere this was resolved on resentment had again fired my bewildered brain and Lord Arlington had little to apprehend in allowing Tracey to enter my apartment Buried in a profound stupor I replied not to his questions but drawing my mourning veil over my eyes sat like a selfdevoted Persian the voluntary victim of despair The faithful Tracey still fearful of being imposed on insisted on having my picture and a lock of my hair to prove to his Lord it was indeed myself he had beheld in this deplorable state he obtained this request and departed
But what became of Essex when Tracey returned with this melancholy confirmation—the testimonials his confidante had brought added force to the eternal passion of his soul a thousand times he made Tracey describe the apartment—my dress—my looks—and sometimes fancying even that cautious friend had been deceived at others that the wretches in whose power I was left had for the short period Tracey was permitted to behold me stupified my senses he created a thousand delusions to counteract the fearful impression of the truth
Distracted with these ideas Lord Essex fet out for Ireland invested with absolute powers and heading an army attached to him alike by gratitude and expectation—he had not marched far ere he formed the bold resolution of committing the conduct of the troops to Lord Southampton and turning off he posted to St Vincents Abbey determined to judge from his own senses of the state of mine he arrived there at midnight and requiring
the unwilling owners to produce me in a tone which admitted neither denial or delay they conducted him to my chamber—a dim lamp alone glimmered in it and closing my eyes as the stronger lights approached I waved my hand in stupid silence to have them removed The transports of grief and surprise which overcame the generous Essex at this terrible convicton threatened his own intellects—by some wonderful ordination of providence my cold and apparently uninformed heart waked at that well known voice—day broke once more upon my soul and my eyes once more opened to behold their darling object This surprizing effect of his presence would have persuaded him that reason had never deserted me had not my poor maids expressed a joy at this unexpected revolution too unfeigned to be misconstrued they intreated him to leave me time to strengthen my faculties ere he again absorbed them and he confined to
stifled exclamations and silent homage all the passion and the projects with which his bosom swelled
Alithea who had for years been my favorite attendant informed him as soon as he could be persuaded to withdraw and leave me to repose of the cruel and unjust will which by rendering me a prisoner for life had occasioned this dreadful relapse His haughty soul negligent at all times of prudence and now perhaps of propriety induced him to tell the Arlington family that he would perish ere I should again be left in their power having planted some of his most faithful domestics to guard my chamber door from every one but my own maids he retired to the apartment allotted him to meditate on the mode of proceeding least likely to endanger my newly recovered intellects
Alithea very prudently had me bled and I sunk into a sweet and sound sleep the comfort I had long most wanted I waked late the next morning with intellects
entirely clear though weak I remembered I had seen or fancied I had seen Essex Alithea imparted to me the truth and shed tears of joy to find I answered her rationally—I yielded to her intreaties in delaying till the afternoon a meeting so dear and affecting and took the medicinal cordials and other nourishment she offered me a few hours strengthened me surprizingly and I was at last allowed to receive the generous lover my soul so much desired While he poured forth the most ardent vows of unremitting affection and surveyed in tender sorrow the ravages grief and disappointment had thus early made in my wan countenance and emaciated form I beheld with surprize the advantages he had acquired in both instances his graceful flower of youth was settled into firmer manhood his fair and florid complexion sunned over by his military exploits had gained strength without losing delicacy and his eye now no less accustomed to command than charm seemed to employ its first power on all the rest of the world while
its last was solely reserved for me Ah man happy man how superior are you in the indulgence of nature blest with scientific resources with boldness and an activity unknown to more persecuted woman from your various disappointments in life ever spring forth some vigorous and blooming hope insensibly staunching those wounds in the heart through which the vital powers of the feebler sex bleed helplessly away and when relenting fortune grants your wishes with unblighted powers of enjoyment you embrace the dear bought happiness scarce conscious of the cold dewdrops your cheeks imbibe from those of her permitted too late to participate your fate
It was some days ere I dared trust myself to converse long with Essex who employed that sweet interval in amusing my mind with lighter topics while he arranged his future plans but finding I still appeared calm he ventured at last to unfold to me the mighty designs which floated in his imagination Inexorably opposing choice to fate my dearest Ellinor
said he never from the moment I first beheld you have I formed a project in which you were not a sharer this I am about to unfold has been for years the child of my dotage—collect yourself listen without wonder and if possible approve it from the moment I knew the base arts that must have been made use of to separate us I clearly comprehended we should never unite with the consent of Elizabeth but however indebted to her partial distinction it was a point in which even she could not controul me it is not the posts or advantages I derive from her favor on which my soul values itself elevated on a more solid foundation it has taken every road to glory and I may proudly say given a grace to dotage yet as that dotage however unbecoming her years and her rank has been uniform and generous I have sworn to yield Elizabeth to the latest moment of her life every homage but that of the heart and sacrifice to my fealty all but my happiness—It is hard to reconcile duties
and inclinations so entirely opposite yet I think you will own I have done so
To a blind partiality for me and her own egregious selflove the Queen ignobly sacrificed your youth your hopes your happiness but alas she forgot in so doing that she would only make them more perfectly mine—without any consideration for the husband she had given you a wretch I could at any time look into insignificance I studied solely how to extricate you from a bondage not more insupportable to you than myself—Among a thousand other projects I resolved to apprize the King of Scots of your existence and situation soliciting from his fraternal regard a safe asylum and that peace and protection my youth and circumstances would not allow me to offer you I found means to convey to his knowledge your whole melancholy story—but how shall I declare to you his ungenerous conduct Fool that I was to think the man who could tamely submit to the murder of his mother would be interested by any other tye Far from
exerting himself to rescue the dear unhappy sister I conjured him to compassionate he affected to disbelieve the story of his mothers marriage with the Duke of Norfolk though the Countess of Shrewsbury solemnly assured me he had through her hands received from the Royal Mary the most authentic proofs of it as soon as he escaped from the power of the Regent and was allowed to act as an independent Sovereign Anxious without doubt to center in himself every right of his mother he voluntarily renounced all regard for either her ashes or her offspring ignominiously submitting to kiss the hand which had shortened her days—What after this is to be hoped from the King of Scots and why should you sacrifice to a brother who disowns you those bright prospects which now dawn before you Born of the first English Peer and the Princess immediate in succession to the Throne—a native of this kingdom there is only one thing wanting to establish rights from whence you may justly form the highest hopes—authentic
testimonials of these facts and that such still exist I have certain information—it is true they are dispersed among the Catholick relations and friends of Mary yet do I not despair of obtaining them—The English ever disposed to be jealous of their national rights dread the remotest chance of their annihilation and already turn their eyes toward the family of Suffolk in preference to receiving a foreign Monarch—That unhappy branch of the royal line by turns the martyrs of fear and policy have bled through succeeding generations till reduced wholly to females among whom there is not one endued with courage or talents to venture a contest had they even the priority of birth which rests with you Let us then adopt the views of Lord Leicester who certainly meant by the most watchful policy to pave the way for your sisters succession whenever Elizabeth should expire Your fate is bound up with that of a man much more capable of effecting whatever views he shall adopt
Elizabeth daily totters on the verge of the grave—disposed to hate the Prince she has irretrievably injured in the person of his mother she still refuses to acknowledge the King of Scots for her heir and has fully invested me with every power that may enable me to profit by the popularity I have honorably acquired My own birth though it does not give me a lineal claim to the Crown of England is yet noble in many generations and princely in some Circumstances and merit thus entitle me to match with you—doubt not the success of this project—Born as you are for empire endued with beauty to adorn and majesty to dignify it—with incontestable evidence of your birth which I will employ every art to procure I will boldly present to the people of England another blooming Queen—they will with joy adopt you nor can the feeble attempts of the boyish Scotch pedant against an army won by my munificence endeared to my command and relying on my valor affect a
claim so strongly supported How many instances does our own history supply where courage and popularity have dethroned monarchs in full possession of every other advantage —You now are informed of what has long been the ultimate object of my life every action and view has had a secret reference to it and far from idling away my youth in the various pleasures the gay Court of Elizabeth offered to her favorite I have continually ranged the seas watched in camps disciplined armies and by every possible means studied to increase my military fame knowledge and popularity as what must one day decide more than my own fate It is this that has made me eager to conduct the Irish war—In that country I shall be at the head of an army which will easily enable me to profit by the loss of the Queen without alarming her declining years with the appearance of cabal mystery or rebellion—Boldly resolve then my love to accompany me thither as the only place on earth where
you can be entirely safe I will lodge you in some impregnable fortress with Lady Southampton I will remain in the camp and never approach it but by your permission—I demand this instance of your confidence of your love and swear in return inviolable honor and obedience—Oh answer me not rashly sweet Ellinor—rather recall the fatal moment of obstinate prudence which once before brought on both so tedious a period of suffering and remember you again have the power of deciding my fate and your own
Essex rose from my feet and left me absorbed in the deepest reflection my mind however instantaneously adopted the aspiring project he had presented to it Through the dark and heavy cloud which had long hung over my soul the sun of love now pierced at once and turned it all to ambient gold—To mount a throne to share it with the choice of my heart to give to him that sovereignty I owed to his valor—I was astonished the idea had
so long escaped me yet such a train of misfortunes had succeeded my birth as might well obliterate my sense of its rights Base and unworthy son sighed I ungenerous cruel brother why should I sacrifice to thee my only chance on this side the grave The mean acquiescence of James under a blow which almost nerved my arm against the royal murderer had already sufficiently shocked my feelings and shut him out of all my plans alas I could only excuse his misconduct by supposing he was yet subjected to his mothers enemies though even then a generous soul would resolutely have protested against the evil it could not prevent but to learn he sacrificed an inviolable duty and every social feeling at the shrine of that bloated idol self robbed him of all claim to the feelings the duties he renounced The determined plan of the generous Essex had every thing in its favor nor was my concurrence so necessary to his success as happiness—but wherefore should I hesitate
when not to unite in it was to deliver myself up to an implacable enemy yet as avowedly to depart with Essex or even after him would awaken dangerous suspicions in the mind of Elizabeth and confirm all the slanders of the world I pondered much on a singular idea that arose in my mind by which both might be obviated indeed the situation of my health would have sufficently opposed my going with him had no other objection occurred—I perceived an air of stifled anger in Essex when he returned which I conjured him to expound—It is a matter of no consequence said he with his usual frankness fortunately the few friends I have brought with me are tried and valiant and we have the power in our own hands the wretches my love who surround you pretend an authority from the Queen as well as from the late Lord Arlington for your detention this will oblige us to use a violence I had rather have avoided but that is a trifle Oh call not any thing a trifle which affects your safety
however remotely cried I in yielding to the bold project you have ventured to form beware I do not become its ruin—yes look not on me with so marked a wonder my soul accords to adopts at once all your views I will at last indulge my heart and thus affiance it to yours—born to pursue your fortune I will joyfully consent to partake it so you in return swear the confidence will render you but more guarded in considering my own honor I am only watching over yours pledge then your word that you will not interfere with my plan and I in return will vow that all I henceforward form shall have the same tendency with your own
The generous Essex scarce credited his senses and gave with readiness the assurance I desired—Resolved to guard my sisters prior rights and unable to judge of the motives which might bury her for a time in oblivion I insisted on his supporting her claim in preference to mine if ever she should appear and he perhaps the more readily acquiesced in this request from a conviction she no
longer existed as all my opinions on that head appeared to him entirely visionary
Refusing to confide in this dear rash lover the means by which I meant to rejoin him I obliged him to assume an air of grief and despair Which persuaded the Arlington family I had relapsed into insanity In the interim a maid of mine had been seized with an epidemic fever of the most dangerous kind I impatiently hastened the departure of Essex lest the cruel malady should infect him and conjured him to wait with Lady Southampton at the Port from whence the troops had already embarked till I should rejoin him The air of satisfaction he perceived in me made him comply against his better judgment and the Arlington race no less overjoyed at his departure than my supposed relapse and fearful of the epidemic fever shut up those who immediately attended on me in the quarter of the Abbey I inhabited avoiding it themselves as though the plague were enclosed there
In this solitude I executed a surprizing project I had long meditated from the moment I was informed of the mock interment of Lord Leicester my mind had dwelt on the idea I saw it was only to methodize the most wild and romantic plan and however unfeasible it at first appeared time might form and bring it to effect—The treasure of the surveyor now became a treasure indeed reflection convinced me the bequest originated in that wretchs having been the confidante as well as witness of his Lords ungenerous will and by thus disposing of it he enabled me to escape from the despicable bondage it entailed upon me without betraying his trust—The maid who alone witnessed the mysterious legacy had by her inviolable silence on so singular an event sufficiently proved that she could merit my whole confidence fortunately she was no less favored by those in whose power I was left and became of course the properest and only assistant I could fix on—by thus turning the artifice of the Queen upon herself I might at once escape from
her power and that of the guardians under whose care she had placed me and gratify the first wish of Essex without endangering his safety
Alithea embraced the plan with joy and engaged her parents who were laborers in the neighbourhood to aid the delusion—I affected to be seized with the same fatal fever as soon as the maids symptoms became mortal and when she soon after died resigned my bed to her corpse her hair height complexion and age so far agreed with mine as to secure me from common observation and dread of the contagion saved us from a very strict scrutiny as it was believed the maid expired at the same time with myself by Alitheas judicious management her supposed body was to be delivered to the parents of that faithful domestic when placing myself and treasure in the homely coffin I was boldly conveyed like the Empress Maud through the midst of my enemies and lodged in their humble cot till enough recovered to pursue the route of Essex
Alithea now published the news of my death through the family who heard of it with joy the unguarded conduct of the generous Essex had suggested to them that to have acted under the authority of the Queen might one day be a very insufficient vindication—this idea added fear to that hatred they always entertained for me and with pleasure they buried both those passions in my grave— Having surveyed my wardrobe jewels and papers without finding the least deficiency they prepared for my interment and discharged my immediate attendants among them the favored one who had aided my scheme and her return to her parents restored peace to my bosom
From the humble cot of that honest creatures parents do I close this period of my memoirs—here as from an invisible world have I surveyed the gloomy pageant with which the erroneous judgments of those from whom I escaped have dignified a lowborn female and by placing her pompously at the side of Lord Arlington they perhaps have blundered
unconsciously on propriety—As the sable train wound by my window my soul paused on the solemn vanity—Oh that in thy tomb thou quiet sleeper sighed I may be interred with my name all the painful part of my existence that renovated to a new and happier being I may emerge again into that world which still opens a flowery path before me with corrected spirits unfaltering reason and a temper superior to the shocks of misfortune —
The soul ever capricious and uncertain fully enjoys only the pleasures it makes for itself—Often do I seem even in this rustic asylum concealed in the coarse garments of the other sex and looking towards a distant kingdom as my home to have hoards of hope and happiness to build on my youthful healthful days were never blest with—
My own fate has once more recalled to my mind that of Matilda—I have meditated much on a sister so dear—alas too certainly Essex is in the right and there exists not a being I can call by that name—Long years have succeeded each other and still that incomprehensible mystery that dreadful silence continues there is no circumstance but death that could occasion it—Farewell then oh name ever so pleasant to my lips sink deep into my heart and remain eternally engraved there—farewell thou pure spirit too etherial for a world so gross I will no more look for thee on its surface I will no more imagine thee beneath it— no I will now raise my stedfast eye to that heaven where the wicked cease from troubling and in some yet undiscovered star fancy I behold thee Ah deign if so to guide the uncertain steps of a wanderer and if my cruel fate conduct them still toward precipices irradiate the scene and deliver me from the danger—My spirits are high wrought and a solemnity too exquisite for description possesses
every faculty—I must steep them all in a lethargy ere I recover my equanimity—
Happiness undefinable good in what shall I comprize you no I will not suppose it can be done in gold and yet how pure was the transport a little of that vile metal called into the carefurrowed countenances of Alitheas venerable parents To the earth which gave I have restored the remainder it is buried eastward under the spreading chesnut planted by Edward IV—that popular tree protected alike from the caprice of its owner and the spade of the laborer will hide it safely but oh if ever one noble heart sighs under its shade oppressed with the sting of penury may some good angel whisper you rest on that which can fully relieve you
All is now prepared for my flight I have refused the attendance of Alithea it will be well supplied in the remembrance
that she is happy—indulgent heaven has given to her parents who grow old in peace and virtue a lover who knows not falsehood or ambition and a soul justly grateful for blessings beyond all valuation—the faithful creature delays the happiness of him she loves till he shall have conveyed this broken narrative into the hands of Lady Pembroke nor do I fear to trust him with it—Dear noble friend once more my soul fondly salutes you bestow on my flight those pious prayers with which virtue consecrates our purposes and believe mine rise ever for you If we meet again remember it must be with pleasure
LADY PEMBROKE WRITES
Scarce had I recovered from the surprize and grief occasioned by the publication of this sweet creatures supposititious death ere a rustic demanded permission to see me and mysteriously delivered the wonderful packet—alas how affecting did I find it
far however from drying up my tears at learning she yet lived I looked with terror on the future lest every following day should multiply or terribly finish her miseries Ah dear Matilda I cannot agree with this fair visionary who so easily adopts the romance of her lover—Something seems to assure me thou art still alive and suffering and for thy sake I will preserve these melancholy memorials alas perhaps it were truer kindness to destroy them
Dated Drogheda
FROM the safe shores of another kingdom once more do I greet my friend—Alas ill can we judge for ourselves dear Lady Pembroke
Provided with a fleet horse I set out to follow Essex but scarce had I travelled a single day ere my shattered constitution no longer able to sustain the least toil claimed two to recover the fatigue of the first During my stay at the inn my
youth the delicacy of my person and manners with the air of reserve I found it necessary to assume excited a curiosity my liberality alone was able to bound though even that gave rise to suspicions almost equally dangerous I began to fear my scheme would wholly fail in the execution I hired however two rustics well recommended as a guide and an escort yet in travelling on the solitary mountains of Wales often dared not turn my head over my shoulder left in my guards I should behold my murderers My impaired health rendered the journey very tedious during its progress I passed for a poor youth following the steps of my father and far gone in a consumption— After immense fatigue I arrived at length at the port where I understood with inexpressible chagrin that Essex had embarked for Ireland a week before—Alas a moments recollection enabled me to account for this apparently strange desertion—in my eagerness to conceal my favorite scheme I had forgot to guard
against the chance of my Lords being informed of my supposed death ere I reached him On enquiry I plainly perceived he had left spies in the neighbourhood of St Vincents Abbey when he quitted it who misled by report had hastened after him with news of the melancholy event I learnt he had delayed crossing from time to time without giving any reason for it but on being roused by the arrival of two officers he ordered the seamen to be called in the dead of night and embarked the moment the tide favored his departure
Though this information left me only myself to reproach it did not lessen my chagrin I wandered toward the shore to meditate at leisure it was still littered with soldiers and their appendages they were indulging with ungoverned licence in drinking and riot—Every thing I beheld increased my fears of the voyage it was indeed a tremendous thought to embark with a numerous body of licentious men for an unknown country while wrapt in mystery
myself and without a protector—How if actuated by curiosity or a less excusable motive they should guess at my sex and pry into my story perhaps even the name of their general would want influence to guard me I turned woman again and trembled at the bare idea While irresolute in what manner to dispose of my unfortunate self I observed a body of travellers approaching and understood with joy it was Lady Southampton and her train escorted by a chosen troop for whom those I had already seen waited—I blest indulgent heaven which thus relieved me from the effects of my own indiscretion and demanded to see her—to see her was enough for with the penetration natural to her sex she instantly knew me and throwing her arms round my neck reproached me with a generous freedom for having retarded her journey by obliging her to wait in vain for my arrival and finally for shocking her with the fictitious story of my death—I explained to her my unguarded conduct and its motives—She
assured me she dreaded the effect it might have on my lover as her Lord had not time to write more than that Essex was in despair for my loss nor dared he venture to leave him therefore conjured her to confide herself to the care of the officers he mentioned and follow with all expedition—This information doubled the regret which had already seized on me but to guard against all suspicion and enquiry I resolved to retain my masculine habit and pass for one of Lady Southamptons pages till safely lodged in Ireland
We arrived here last night and found a letter from Lord Southampton lamenting the impossibility of waiting for his Lady without abandoning Essex to a grief which urged him to rashness and despair he ended with conjuring her to remain in this town till he had considered how to dispose of her safely—Oh fortune fortune how unfairly do we accuse thee when folly alone has led us into error—I am more miserable than it is possible to express
Lady Southampton would fain persuade me this oversight may eventually prove lucky as it will prevent my again seeing Essex ere the death of his Lady—Ah what alteration can her loss make in my fate —I tell you my watchful friend you cannot love my honor more than I do his safety—between him and me there is another bar not less insurmountable—Did not my sisters marriage with a favorite of Elizabeth cost him his life Alas perhaps hers too was sacrificed—over her mysterious fate a dark veil early fell dipt perhaps in the blood of her beloved—rather may I see my own veins opened than survive such a calamity nay even at this moment it has perhaps fallen on me and I may be dying in Essex while yet unconscious of my fate—oh what horrors take possession of my soul at the bare idea—Lady Southampton has sealed her English dispatches and I can only say adieu
Dated Drogheda
BOUND to this spot my generous friend and dreading all which passes beyond it hardly can my heart feel the congratulation you bestow Environed by enemies and rendered rash by despair Essex now renounces the glorious visions he possessed my imagination with and resigns himself wholly up to his command—Oh that the arrow which stabs me should have been sharpened by my own hand—All here is alarm uncertainty and confusion—we get and lose in the course of every day a passage to our friends nor dare we trust to that channel aught of importance Sir Coniers Clifford with a chosen body of troops was yesterday surrounded himself and half his men cut off immediately—among the officers was a relation of Lady Southamptons she has been weeping the whole day for him—For my own part conscious I have not a tear to bestow on common inflictions I
gather mine into my heart which feels ready to pour forth a deluge the moment one of my many fears shall be confirmed—you can form no conception of the wants the woes the horrible scenes we witness—Born and bred in the arms of luxury and prosperity a distant war but faintly affects our minds but oh how tremendous does it appear when once we are driven into its tempestuous seat—death ghastly death assumes a bloody variety of forms while rapine famine sickness and poverty fearfully forerun him
I have hitherto thought my sisters fate more consummately wretched than even my own but how is every evil lightened by comparison—Beloved Matilda born as you were to woe you saw but one bounded prospect of the infinitude the globe presents to us the horrors of this were unknown to you—uncomforting is the pillow of her who sleeps within the sound of a drum and fancies its every stroke is fate—Is this to live Ah no it is to be continually dying
This country so nearly allied to our own yet offers to our view a kind of new world divided into petty states inveterately hating each other it knows not the benefit of society except when necessity combines the various parties against a common enemy yet though necessity unites it cannot blend them the least cessation of general danger awakens all their narrow partialities and prejudices which continually break out with bloody violence The advantages of commerce the charms of literature all the graces of civilization which at once enrich the mind and form the manners are almost unknown to this people with a savage pride they fancy their very wants virtue and owe to their poverty an unregulated valor which often enables them to contend with welldisciplined troops whom they sometimes defeat by mere want of knowledge at others on the contrary they obstinately pursue an unequal contest while speculating reason turns away from the bloody scene vainly conscious that their mangled bodies strew the earth only because no benevolent
being has yet deigned to attempt the conquest of their minds
How deeply must such reflections operate on a heart bound up in the life of the accomplished leader endued but with the common powers of humanity exposed with the rest alike to the sword and to the elements he even he must one day perish and while I weep the wretches every hour deprives of their beloved protectors I know not but I may at the same moment be added to the number—Ah if despair should impel Essex —his natural heroism needs no such incentive —should he fall unconscious of my yet surviving to that fatal though well designed artifice I should forever impute his loss and die for having seigned to do so
A wild fancy has taken strange possession of my mind—Lady Southampton says it is madness perhaps it really is so but I can think of nothing else she however is too timid to judge—she will pass her whole life here I really believe
Were I but for a moment to behold that expressive countenance —were I by a kind of resurrection again to appear before him—
Something irresistable impels me—a chosen troop are now setting out—I shall be safe under their protection—Ah if this ungovernable impulse should be but a presentiment of his danger—never never should I forgive myself were I to leave him wounded and dying to the care of persons comparatively indifferent
Argue no longer my dear importunate friend I will go but depend on my hastening back—Lady Southampton would have made a wretched love for Essex she is the most apprehensive of women but she was not born to mate with that aspiring hero
A Silence so tedious will make you number me among the dead recover yourself my beloved friend—born to a perpetual contest with ill fortune I sink not even yet under the oppression—I have been collecting all my thoughts to pursue my strange recital more strange indeed every day
In our way toward Ulster we were intercepted by a body of the rebellious Irish and a desperate skirmish ensued—how shall I own it and call myself the the love of Essex yet so it was—I who had been so valiant in imagination and remote from the field of action—I who had in fancy lifted a sword with the strength of Goliah and interposed a shield before Essex heavier perhaps than myself shrunk into annihilation at the bare sight of the conflict and the faintings which laid me among the slain perhaps alone saved me from being added to their number I revived in the hands of some ferocious women who in stripping the dead had discovered at one moment that I yet lived and was of their own sex Induced either by a sentiment of humanity or the hope of a reward they listened to my eager supplications for life and conveyed me to a neighbouring cabin whither they soon summoned a priest who opened a vein in my arm On feebly
reviving once more I cast my eyes round in speechless astonishment scarce knowing whether I should think my escape a blessing I was environed by a set of beings who in complexion alone bore any resemblance to myself their language manners and lives seeming no more analogous than those of the inhabitants of the Torrid Zone I laboured in vain to comprehend them or to make myself understood and was in despair giving up the attempt when the priest already mentioned came to my relief Through his means I informed them that the Lord Deputy would redeem me at any ransom provided they secured me from danger and insult I should I believe have ensured my own safety had not the victorious party learnt by some straggler that an English woman of distinguished rank had been discovered among the slain They eagerly turned back to demand me and the hope of reward alike influencing my preservers to keep me in their hands a dispute no less fierce though not so
bloody as that I had before witnessed followed it was too violent to be compromised and at length as the only way to prevent murder both parties agreed I should be put into the hands of their General Tiroen or as some called him ONeal Intreaties or resistance would have been equally vain and I was obliged to rejoice they thought me of consequence enough to act so honorably by me
During this interval one of the servants deputed by Lady Southampton immediately to attend on me having lingered a few minutes behind the English troop followed to rejoin them at the moment of the onset the sound of the firing reached him ere he fell in with the scouts and clapping spurs to his horse he flew back to the village we all had lately quitted there to wait in safety the event of the contest at this place he was informed a band of rebels had issued out from an ambuscade formed in the neighbouring mountain and while he was wavering what step to take the
news of my sex and capture suddenly reached him struck with the idea of some important mystery as well from my disguise as the cautions of his Lady he hastened back to her with the strange intelligence The generous but timid Lady Southampton impressed solely with the idea of my danger wrote instantaneously to Essex briefly reciting all he did not know of my story and strongly conjuring him to exert his utmost influence to preserve me from insult
But who shall paint the feelings of Essex when the surprizing intelligence first reached him intelligence which in one moment opened all those sources of tenderness in his soul grief and despair had well nigh congealed To think I still lived would have been consummate happiness had I not been thus unaccountably snatched away even at the very moment of my miraculous renovation so singular a complication of events almost deprived him of his senses and wrought impulse up to agony Perhaps the last
untoward incident of my life was necessary to save his brain from partaking the distractions of his mind—sick at the heart of an incurable sorrow—fatigued with the cares of government and the slavery of command the news of my existence and capture made him find in distinctions hitherto so oppressive the sole prospect of recovering a treasure which alone could give value to his future life
From the knowledge acquired in his military command Essex was enabled to decide on the character of Tiroen—he justly believed it unprincipled and ungovernable how must he tremble then to recollect my fate was in his hands In a conjuncture so dangerous he resigned himself entirely up to the guidance of an impassioned heart and dispatched an officer of rank charging the archrebel by the blood of thousands yet unspilt not to exasperate the English and himself in particular by maltreating the lady fortune had thrown into his power for whose ransom any
sum was tendered her captors should demand
This rash and impetuous address had consequences only less dangerous than those it guarded against Tiroen unfortunately discovered at once that he had the happiness of the Lord Deputy in his keeping and though he flattered him from time to time with promises of noble treatment he secretly determined no doubt that if he ever parted with me it should be upon his own terms
It was not till several of these messages had passed that Tiroens curiosity led him to visit me the attention excited by my masculine habit had led me immediately to request one more suited to my sex and the delicate situation I stood in obliging me to conduct myself with the utmost caution I had thought it peculiarly fortunate to escape the notice of the General
The continual repetition of his tedious visits when once he had seen me the lavish supply of such accommodations as
that ravaged country then afforded—an obstinate silence on the state of my affairs and the most wearisome discussions of his own all too soon convinced me that neither his pride his ambition or his ferocity had been able to guard the heart of Tiroen from that powerful passion which invigorated the being of his distinguished rival—I trembled at the recollection that I was wholly in his power—already misjudged as the voluntary mistress of Essex unwilling to announce myself and unable had I done so to prove my right to any name or distinction mine was indeed a fearful situation I was not allowed to hold any correspondence with the English and only knew by the watch kept over me that a human being was anxious for my release
Whatever consequences might follow my appearing pleased with the distinctions lavished on me by Tiroen I felt every day more sensibly that I had no other means of avoiding the licentious insolence of his officers who fancied their services so important
to the cause they had espoused as to secure their conduct from too strict a scrutiny
Tiroen sought occasions to break off renew and prolong the secret intercourse in which he had now engaged with Essex but a lingering treaty agreed not with the fiery impatience of that unfortunate hero His divided soul no longer could attend to the duties of his command—the business of the war was at an end—Essex was no longer a cool and prudent General watchful to seize every advantage and harrass the enemy—alas he was now only a mad and extravagant lover ready to sacrifice every thing to the recovery of one adored individual—Delivered up to passion to terror to agony to every torturing excess of overstrained sensibility at this fatal period the generous Essex was gradually sacrificing the whole renown of a life hitherto so glorious The news of Tiroens love crowned his misfortunes and that execrable traitor determined to bring the Lord Deputy to his terms by various
emissaries had him informed of plots he never laid against me and repulses he never sustained speciously disowning such designs in terms calculated only to redouble the suspicions of his rival
By artifices like these the warlike talents and dignified mind of Essex were kept in absolute subjection he no longer dared to exert the valour which burned proudly at his heart but stifling every emotion love did not excite he eagerly engaged in a secret and dangerous treaty—The rash proposal of Essex to confer with Tiroen from the opposite banks of a rivulet I imputed to the passionate desire a lover ever has to judge of the person and talents of the man who dares to rival him—this interview could not be kept a secret—alas perhaps it decided the fortune of the Lord Deputy—Misjudged from that moment by a busy world which sees only the surface of things to timidity to avarice to indolence to ambition by turns has been ascribed an incident of which love had all the merit or the shame—Ah had the erroneous multitude considered
but a moment surely they had discerned a mystery in his conduct—What could ambition glory pride require he did not possess already If to hold the most absolute sway over the most absolute of Sovereigns conld gratify those wishes they were gratified—Rather ye busy Many learn to pity than condemn the generous frenzy of a bleeding heart which boldly sacrificed every thing to an overruling an irresistible passion—a passion mine must break to answer—and it will break—Oh my shook brain how wild it wanders—
Gay visions of a higher happier sphere where are ye ah deign to gild awhile this gloomy world—how inexpressibly sweet are at intervals the trances of my mind—care sorrow suffering mortality itself is forgotten absorbed in a bright obscure every highwrought faculty hovers proudly on the verge of a long eternity—fye on this
earthy covering how it drags down my soul my soaring soul
I wake from these day dreams and return to my subject—in fruitless and tedious negociations were thus consuming those days we would in vain recall those important days fraught with the very fate of the noblest of mankind
The long delays the eternal disappointments exhausted my patience agitated by a thousand apprehensions which no less concerned my lover than myself misery once more struck her iron fangs through my quivering heart Compelled to struggle with a soul justly conscious of purity to support an apparent tranquillity to adopt an artificial character to suffer Tiroen to delude himself into a persuasion the tye between me and Essex was dishonorable lest an uncertain one should want power to restrain him how many implicated indignities did I patiently endure—Persecuted with
his base solicitations overwhelmed with bribes as splendid as they were contemptible I could ward off his expectations only by a feint my nature disdained In answer to his unbounded offers and tender protestations I one day bad him remember that in those instances he could not surpass the generous lover he sought to rival for that it was in the power of Essex to give me every thing but his title—Tiroen paused indignantly for a moment and my heart exulting in its artifice fondly hoped the spectres of his whole line of royal ancestors would sweep before him precluding every idea of a union so dishonorable His whole estimation and the success of the war depended I well knew on his retaining the affections of the people and how could he hope for those if he disgraced the blood of the ONeals He scarce credited the boldness of idea which appeared in this hint of mine and struck with a persuasion I must be of some superior rank to dare thus to elevate my eyes to him he once more attempted to
dive into a mystery so carefully and obstinately concealed I was however on my guard and sunk again into my original obscurity Still eager to possess a woman he could not esteem he at last assured me after having observed that an engagement to a lady of his own family alone held his party together that he would bind himself in secret by every tye I should dictate I unwarily replied the conduct and love of Essex had been so unquestionably noble that nothing but a superior and public marriage could vindicate me even to myself in breaking with him—Tiroens look and answer made me sensible of the danger of this speech and that in leaving him without hope I had left myself without safety I felt from this moment like a wretch entirely devoted and under the name of indisposition of which indeed I had sufficient reason to complain I procured from a surgeon who bled me a quantity of liquid laudanum some portion of which
I pretended to take every night but in reality reserved the whole of it for that fatal one which should confirm my fears
Such were the sufferings of Essex and myself while the two camps were in sight of each other and nothing but the most guarded vigilance could prevent the incensed English from coming to action—I was one evening alone in the tent allotted to me for Tiroen would never trust me in any neighbouring fort or town which from the ascent it was pitched on commanded the whole valley and looking with tearful eyes towards the increasing fires in the English camp when Tiroen approached me unawares—his complexion was flushed with wine and his eyes and air shewed a determination at which my nature shuddered—no longer regarding decorum or respect his manners made me in a moment sensible I had deferred taking my laudanum too long—An ides at which I have never ceased to wonder suggested itself to my mind and while fiuctuating between the possible and
impossible I a little soothed the boisterous wretch at whose profligate vows I trembled—intoxication deprived him of the guard he had so long kept over his lips—imagining himself already possessed of the beloved of Essex he could not forbear vaunting of the address which secured her to him—I learnt with equal horror and amazement that the long delay my capture and the subsequent treaties had occasioned in the war were all concerted strokes of diabolical policy to ruin the fair fame of the Lord Deputy—That during these fatal treaties Tiroen himself had sent the most indubitable proofs to Elizabeth of the misconduct of her General and had every reason to suppose he would immediately be recalled and ignominiously punished nor could she ever select another equally dear to the army on which every thing in war depended—I turned with ineffable disdain toward the monster—Oh that an eyebeam could have killed him—Engrossed however by his various
views inflated with selflove and applause and confused with wine he saw not a glance which would instantaneously have unfolded my whole heart to the execrable the ungenerous traitor unworthy the race he sprung from and the sword he drew—He continued to expatiate on his hopes of wholly expelling the English and ascending the throne of Ireland but what after this unwary and black discovery could his views be to me A thousand dangers were pressing upon my soul and a thousand projects floating in my brain I had hardly temper or recollection to methodize any—while he continued to charm himself with the disclosure of all his vanity and ambition hatred and horror nerved my heart with courage to execute a strange design the desperation of such a moment alone could have suggested Convinced by the tenor of his discourse and conduct I that could escape his licentious purposes only by feigning an intention of yielding to them I smoothed my agonized features into a smile which almost
stiffened to a convulsion and complained of thirst—a glass of water stood by of which I drank—inclination no less than gallantry made him insist on pledging me but refusing to give him the water without wine I mixed it with in officiousness perhaps too obvious adding the whole quantity of laudanum provided for myself The haste and tremor attending so dangerous a transaction might well have excited distrust in him at any time much more at such a crisis but not in a condition to observe very strictly and delighted with a condescension on my part alike new and unexpected in a transport of gallantry he dropt on his knees and uniting my name with his own cemented both with that of happiness the latter seemed to tremble back into my heart as he eagerly swallowed the beverage Sleep had before hovered over his eyelids it was now forerun by stupefaction The hour of rest arrived but the women who usually slept in the outer tent came not near it—I could not doubt but that their absence was owing to the previous orders
given by the General and falling on my knees intreated him who armed the Assyrian with courage voluntarily to dare the situation into which I was brought unconsenting to bear me boldly and safely through it A fortitude equal to the danger seemed to spring from the address and the occasion—The regimental cloak Tiroen had thrown off on entering served to cover my masculine habit which I resumed with expedition it was a cloak so remarkable and familiar to every eye in the camp as almost to ensure my safety I overweighed my throbbing temples with his warlike plume and finally drawing from his finger a signet to produce if necessary I boldly grasped his dagger to decide my fate should I be discovered and issued forth a second Judith
I had warily marked the progress of the night the last watch had now gone by and the time was past when it was probable any officer should be stirring of note enough to address the General I had heard Tiroen say it was his common practice to walk the camp at night and
in that confidence ventured to pass for him Scarce had I gone a hundred paces when the homage of the centinels assured me the counterfeit was undiscovered
With an agitated heart I passed from one to another guided only by the distant lights for Tiroen always pitched his camp on a hill till near the advanced guard I then retired behind a large tent and disrobing myself of their Generals accoutrements put on a common hat I had carried for that purpose—what were my terrors when having reached the confines of the camp now doubly watched I presented the signet as a proof I was sent on earnest business—The guard hesitated but after tediously debating while I went through tortures they judged it prudent to admit a token which alone could have enabled me to reach them and I was suffered to pass
I shot like an arrow from a bow when once these dreaded limits were overleaped scarce daring to address my very soul to
heaven lest one lost moment should undo me
Whether my eyes had deceived me in the imagined nearness of the English camp or my trembling and unguided feet had wandered wide of it I know not but sorely were they blistered ere I approached its limits—piercing through thickets which tore alike my garments and my flesh with spirits fainting even to death I suddenly heard a scout give the watchword in English Overjoyed to think myself safe I unhappily wanted presence of mind to pronounce a single syllable and the officious soldier mistaking me for a spy levelled his piece and instantly pierced my side—My spirits were no longer equal to contending with danger or with death and the fear of discovery being the prevailing sentiment of my sex I feebly conjured the man if he hoped for pardon to bear me to the tent of the Lord Deputy The delicacy of my complexion and cloaths had already surprized the inadvertent soldier—he quickly called together some
of his companions who assisted in laying me on a hurdle and bearing me toward the tent of Essex The morning was now broke—I saw the early beams of the sun emblazon the golden ornaments of the Generals tent—some officers came out of it as I approached—My heart from which life seemed every moment ready to issue made a courageous effort to collect into itself the scattered principles of a being I appeared on the very point of resigning I fancied ere he yet spoke I heard the voice so dear to me—I fancied ah I indeed saw him rush forward on the first hint but rootbound as it were he stopped before he came to me and sent his very soul forth in a groan—Yes Essex cried I extending my feeble hand the wretch heaven did not allow to live in thy arms receives its next indulgence in being permitted to die there—But how shall I describe the tearful transports the touching agonies of his recovered intellects I sunk under the keen estcasy of the moment
and long faintings succeeded occasioned by my loss of blood which once more brought me to the very verge of the grave
The amiable Lady Southampton came at the instance of her cousin and gave by her presence a decorum to my situation it had long wanted Every effort of art was exerted to soothe my broken spirits and strengthen my exhausted frame He who alone could give efficacy to medicine hovered ever near and when speech was interdicted by affectionate looks sustained me—Ah how pleasant were even these sufferings how sweet was it to collect back into my heart those gentle impulses war and terror had driven from their home—To affiance my soul in silence to its only Lord and to fancy whatever fate heaven should hereafter ordain him mine could no longer be divided from it
As soon as my amended health allowed I entered into a detail of all that had passed since Lord Essex left me at St
Vincents Abbey He in return informed me that the lethargy into which Tiroen was plunged by the laudanum I had so hastily administered was very near being fatal to him as the utmost effort of care and medicine could only preserve him the faculty of breathing since to disturb his deep and unwholesome slumbers always threw him into a dangerous delirium The courageous effort by which I had recovered my liberty he added had formed the whole conversation of both camps while my fate was yet uncertain I blessed the awful power who saved me the guilt of murdering even a villain and did not immediately remark that Essex gave me no farther information
I soon learnt from Lady Southampton the painful truths my Lord sought to hide from me—that Elizabeth had incessantly urged him to prosecute a war which his fears for me had hitherto suspended but finding at length that both in treaties and commands were lost upon him she grew cold and
disgusted His friends in England had given him but too much reason to believe that his enemies were gradually acquiring the ascendancy in her heart he as gradually lost since all her favours were now lavished on Sir Walter Raleigh the house of Cecil and the Earl of Nottingham a party who had long meditated the downfall of Essex and Southampton of which they now spoke as a certainty and that even the common people beheld with discontent the slow progress of the war in Ireland nor could Essex any longer depend upon popularity
The unguarded friend who made me this recital engrossed by her own share in it forgot how it interested me I called to mind the information sent by Tiroen to Elizabeth which but too well accounted for the Queens anger and disgust and conceived at once all its probable consequences Essex unlike all other favorites could never be brought to know any claim to superiority but merit—incapable of those little arts
by which meaner minds attach the insidious train of sycophants a Court always abounds with he had ever scorned a partial monopoly and politic distribution of posts and places—The mercenary wretches who had bowed to him in vain paid their court to his enemies with more success and instructed by them in every weakness of the favorite were ever ready to strengthen any prejudice the Queen might conceive against him A thousand fears incident to age and decaying power were thus cherished in her which magnified by passions time itself could never allay might perhaps stamp the base intelligence of Tiroen with the fatal authority of unbiassed truth and give to the inactivity of Essex the appearance of treason—Such a train of circumstances could hardly sail to stagger a mind in full possession of the noblest and most impartial judgment what then might we not fear from a Sovereign always influenced by prejudices each passing day strengthened as it insensibly impaired her reason Fortunately by an extrava
gance of dotage which almost punished the errors of her youth those prejudices had hitherto united in his favour—yet while I perceived but a single chance against him my soul shrunk from the idea of entrusting his life with her
To give Lord Essex the opportunity of vindicating himself to Elizabeth I resolved to account for her conduct and divulged to him the inadvertent acknowledgment made by Tiroen during our last memorable interview of his own perfidy and dissimulation A generous scarlet burnt on the cheek of Essex while he execrated the traitor but struck immediately with a full conviction of the consequences that might result from this base intelligence he formed the extraordinary resolution of returning to England to justify his honor
This determination no less shocked than surprized me far from imagining my information would lead to so wild a project I rather supposed it would suggest to him the impossibility of ever revisiting England unless the reduction of Ulster was fully accomplished—In truth I dared
not confess my fears that even then to remain with the army alone could ensure his safety—Every reason I durst urge or Southampton enforce were in his judgment feebler than his own—his honor was piqued and nothing could hinder him from vindicating it—Persuaded a step as bold as this alone would convince Elizabeth of his innocence and accustomed to regain whenever he appeared that influence over her his enemies had often encroached on in his absence he persuaded himself he need only be seen to triumph and concluded a truce as the preliminary to his departure
The pride of sex sensibility and honor contended with the leading passion of my nature and taught me to disdain overruling him I could not convince—nevertheless I almost sunk under the conflict—The frightful situation in which I had been placed since my arrival in Ireland made me obstinately refuse to continue there whenever Essex should leave it and the curiosity I had excited alike by my bold escape and wound made
it hazardous to commit me to the charge of any officer left behind Surrounded with friends relations and dependents Essex such is the painful uncertainty ever attending on elevated rank knew not one to whom he could safely intrust so delicate a care The generous Southampton determined to share the fate of his friend by accompanying him proposed to unite that of his Lady with mine by shipping us off ere they embarked with servants they should mutually select apparently bound for France but in fact for the coast of Cumberland In the most romantic and solitary part of that remote county the Wriothesleys had long owned a castle where malice itself would hardly seek and certainly never find us there he assured Essex we might repose in peace till they should return again to Ireland I felt all the merit of this project by which the amiable Southampton robbed himself of the dear society of his wife merely to do honor to the beloved of his friend and adopted it with the utmost
eagerness from the hope that if the busy transmitters of Lord Essexs actions had ever mentioned me this total separation would extinguish all jealousy in the mind of Elizabeth who I knew would much sooner overlook the loss of an army than his heart
Although Essex knew not how to place me happily in Ireland it was with pain he consented to my quitting it but finding me obstinately partial to Lord Southamptons design he consented to my resuming my masculine disguise and selected a vessel whose captain was devoted to him having ordered a lighter one to be prepared for himself
So sad a presentiment shivered my soul on the morn appointed for our embarkation that it was the utmost effort of my principles to suffer Essex to act in conformity to his I had previously insisted he should sail at the same moment with myself to end my fears of that formidable savage Tiroen and when he entered my chamber to conduct me to the ship my heart
quivered on lips which had no longer the power to utter a syllable—He besought he conjured me to support my sinking spirits the highest hopes he added with an air of sincerity elevated his own that it had always been his pride his pleasure to deserve the distinctions lavished on him by the Queen and whatever views he had formed when heaven should call her hence he could not resolve even by ingratitude much less treason to shorten her days who had crowned his with glory Doubt not concluded he my love but I shall recover all my influence and remember when next we meet it is to part no more
Illomened seemed that sentence to me—I fancied too his voice founded hollow—I fancied—alas every dire chimera sensibility presents to an impassioned heart took full possession of mine yet as to exert the least influence at so trying a moment was to render myself accountable for his future fate I opposed every ennobling sentiment to an ungovernable
passion and heroically resigned him up to his duty
We quitted the port at the same instant he steering for that nearest the Irish coast I for the North of England—Both by consent remained on the deck with fouls fixed on each other till the beloved individual vanished and the vessel seemed an object only less dear that at length diminished to a cloud the cloud shrunk to a speck and the speck became invisible—I threw myself on my bed and giving way to the tears I had hitherto stifled I besought the Almighty to guard him he had so eminently distinguished
Compassion had induced Essex to consent to our conveying over an old officer who had been desperately wounded The intense sickness produced by the element caused his wounds to open which obliged us to put back and land him or sacrifice his life to our convenience and this unforeseen delay exposed us to a calamity as lasting as it was grievous
Launched a second time on those rest less surges to which alone I could compare my own perturbed soul the next day brought the comparison still nearer— A dreadful tempest arose nor were we within reach of any port The enraged and howling winds drove the vessel at pleasure a thousand times sidelong into the deep and the impetuous and foaming waves threw it up again with equal violence—We remained stupified with terror shut down with our women in the cabin the rapid motions and cries of the seamen the tremendous cracks and groans of the vessel united with the warring elements to make that fate indifferent every moment brought nearer To prepare my mind for the impending event I however recollected with due gratitude to heaven that the light vessel in which Essex failed had doubtless made a near port ere the storm began and landed him in safety
I pondered once more on that wonderful character I had so often considered I saw however strong the predominant
foible of Lord Essex it still gave way to rectitude and fearful the passion which led him towards me might one day affect his safety I bent to the awful God who thus in thunder called away its weak and helpless object—not without admiring the singularity of that destiny which by interring me in the ocean secured the forged death and funeral I had published for myself from ever being discovered
Strengthened if not consoled by these ideas I sought to chear my no less suffering friend who rejecting alike food and comfort resigned herself wholly up to sickness faintings and sorrow—Ah who shall say we suffer in vain the feelings of the soul like the organs of sight gain strength by use till we dare to analyze that fate we once could not have ventured to consider while the refined and exquisite sense of mental anguish which renders us superior to common evils often gives an apparent sublimity to efforts which are little in our own estimation—Lady Southampton yet distinguished by nature fortune love clung to those rich possessions
and shrunk from the awful immortality which threatened every moment to take place of them—She listened to me with wonder and this instance of fortitude impressed her mind with a reverence for my character time could never obliterate
The sudden abatement of the storm contributed little to our safety as the ship ill calculated for such a conflict had bulged upon a rock and now filled so fast with water that the utmost diligence of the crew could hardly save us from sinking—The sight of land ere the evening closed had scarce power to chear for a moment wretches who no more hoped to behold the dawning of the morn—To the uproar and turbulence of the storm a silent horror and desolation had now succeeded scarce less shocking Midnight was hardly turned ere a dismal universal cry informed us the vessel was sinking—Lady Southampton threw her arms helplessly round me and the unprincipled part of the crew bursting
into our cabin increased the horrors of the moment by opening our coffers and gathering together their most valuable contents an officer followed who taking our hands in silence led us toward the deck—two boats were now preparing—the last melancholy hope we had of surviving—The captain who happily owed every thing to Essex informed us that as the larger boat had the better chance he had fixed on placing us in that ere the scattered crew could collect and by pressing too numerously upon us rob us of a last hope—We were conveyed into the boat while he was yet speaking and the sailors so impetuously followed regardless of the captains remonstrances and commands that our danger seemed hardly diminished by the removal—A hope nevertheless arose which encouraged each individual to an exertion from whence the general safety was ascertained Entirely enveloped in the only watchcoat which had been taken from the wreck Lady Southampton
and myself who were the only women saved knew but by the voices of our companions whether life or death was to be expected—the sea ran high and the grey dawn presented to our eager eyes a coast which we were informed was that of Scotland at no great distance an old castle appeared on a sharp projection of the land whose solid battlements seemed proof against every attack of art and nature but the shoals rocks and surf which intervened threatened to make us ever behold it at a hopeless distance unless we could interest the compassion of its owners
Every signal of distress was made for hours apparently in vain till the turn of the tide when two fishing boats appeared slowly working their way towards us A discordant shout of joy on the part of our companions split the ears of my sick friend and self who inly worshipped the power that preserved us—The benevolent strangers approached and their garb no less than unknown language
proclaimed them natives of the Scotch coast To the men around us they offered biscuits and whisky in abundance and bestowed on me and Lady Southampton a draught of cold water which seemed as much more refreshing as it was innocent
Revived by this unexpected revolution in our fate we by joint consent shook off the heavy watchcoat which had a little saved us from the incessant spray of the enraged sea and when the boat was at length drawn towards the slight of rude steps leading to the castle we both quitted it with no less celerity than thankfulness—Our progress was for a moment impeded by surprize—at the gate of the castle stood two beings who seemed of some superior order so singular were their dress beauty and benevolence—A youth and his sister waved us toward them with graceful courtesy—the latter wore a light vest and coat of Scots plaid with a belt of green sattin clasped with gold the rude wind had carried off the covering
of her hair and caused her long auburn locks to stream on the bosom of the morning exposing to view her slight ancles half booted and tinging her cheeks with that pure cold colour youth health innocence and heaven alone can give—The youth who in features strongly resembled his sister was habited as a hunter with a spear in his hand and a dagger hanging in his belt—Both with smiles of hospitality ran forward to receive us and while the young lady took the arm of my friend the youth with an impassioned pleasure shook my hand casting a look of mingled wonder and disdain at the soiled though rich habiliments I had on which indeed originally rather agreed with my own sex than that I intruded upon The antique hall into which they conducted us was hung with tattered banners mouldy coats of arms and every proud remnant of war and ancientry Refreshments suitable to our past distress were busily set before us nor with that intuitive politeness superior minds always
possess did either venture to express a curiosity till they had frankly satisfied ours—From them we learnt that the spot fortune had thrown us on was an island on the coast of Scotland and the place which sheltered us Dornock Castle held by the Laird of that name that they were brother and sister to that Laird who was now absent on a family concern of no small moment in short that their elder sister Mabel famed through the country for her beauty having unhappily shewn it at Court the King would not suffer her to return and their brother fearful she should yield to his licentious wishes had hastened thither to claim her The young people who made this artless recital were formed to grace it—when the fair Phoebe spoke of the charms of her sister her own were heighthened by a softer fuller bloom and when she mentioned their dangerous effect the proud blush of a generous shame gave manliness to the boyish features of her brother Hugh—Accustomed as my friend and self had long been to every worldly charm and
advantage we saw in this remote spot and these untutored children of nature a simple and noble grace art only refines away
When it came to my turn to narrate I used every artifice to guard against the possibility of danger—Adopting the name Lady Southampton had lately quitted I called myself Vernon a youth employed till lately as a page in the train of the Earl of Essex and now his secretary—the lady with me I said allied to the Earl of Southampton was lately wedded to me and both were following these noblemen when overtaken by the tempest which had thrown us upon their shore and rendered us debtors to their humanity Finding we came from the seat of war and were conversant with the Court of England they both asked a thousand various questions suitable to their sex age and simplicity respecting the one and the other and our descriptions to their unformed conceptions comprized every charm of magnificence glory and gaiety
The happy device of a pretended marriage enabling me to share the chamber of Lady Southampton we chose the hour of retirement to consider our present situation and the mode most likely to restore us once more to the country and connections from which the storm had separated us—My friend justly remarked that the sailors wrecked with us and its natives were all the people likely to visit this remote and solitary isle and that if we failed to take advantage of the departure of the first we should throw ourselves wholly upon the generosity of the Laird of Dornock of whose character we could not venture to decide from those of the amiable young people who had so warmly embraced our cause—After the application of Essex to my brother in my favour had been rejected I had every thing to fear if any circumstance should betray me into his power and the strictest secresy on our names and condition alone could give us a hope of liberty—how under such restrictions we could clearly
explain our present situation to the two noblemen whom alone it concerned neither of us could discover nevertheless necessity obliged us to come to some resolution and persuaded the writing of each would be known to him to whom the letter was addressed weary as we both were a part of the night was spent in preparing two epistles for the sailors to convey—The morning came and with it the mortifying information that we were a few hours too late the men saved with us having hired a fishing smack in which they sailed away at the turn of the tide nor did the owners know their destination till the vessel returned I was not without an idea that our youthful protectors had voluntarily concealed so material an event in the hope of detaining us but certainly had that really been the case it was not half so inexcusable as our own imprudence and neglect—We hired a boat to pursue them with the letters but after several days spent in painful expectation the packets were returned to us
with the mortifying information that all enquiry had proved fruitless We had now no resource but in the generosity of the Laird of Dornock and endeavoured to fortify ourselves with patience to wait his return
The youthful brother and sister expressed a generous concern for out situation but wholly without power they could do no more—Prisoners at large as we were effectually bounded by the roaring ocean and depending solely on contingencies for freedom the days to us crept heavily away—I sometimes remembred with a sigh that I was in Scotland—that kingdom where by inheritance I might claim a rank that would enable me to decide my own fate had not a combination of events forerunning even my birth made every advantage of fortune and nature alike useless to me I endeavoured to discover the real character of their King but even from the report of his friends to be able to term it good I was obliged to think it weak and in
that case knew he would inevitably be surrounded with artful politicians ready to profit by his foible in short I found however near he and I were allied in blood we were born to be distinct beings in creation and to meet would endanger the safety of the weaker When I turned my anxious soul toward England it brought me no relief—As far from the reach of intelligence as if in the wilds of Arabia I in vain sought to discover the reception Essex had met with at Court—That name which in the vanity of my heart I had often thought the world resounded with I found with checked pride was scarcely known in an adjacent country till my lips so often repeated it and even when most anxious to oblige me those of others only echoed the found so dear so beloved I had but too much reason to fear doubts of my safety would make him careless of his own and often would have resigned every brilliant prospect fancy ever spread before me to ascertain the life of the Earl
Too late I regretted the pride of heart which had made me resist the desire I felt to detain him in Ireland and could not but acknowledge it was rather that than principle which reconciled me to his departure yet in a situation so delicate as ours to wish was to command and the sacrifice his own soul did not dictate mine disdained to receive
My mind now daily passed through such a chaos of ideas and emotions as would have prevented the time from appearing tedious had not its prolongation been the origin of most of them
Often sitting on the rude battlements of the castle while the surges beat against their base have I tuned the lute of Phoebe and while she warbled a few wild airs of inconceivable melody in a language unknown to me my full soul has wept over the mysterious fate of my sister—Ah how easy is it to be unknown—to be entombed alive—If I even in a civilized adjacent kingdom in effect the country of all my ancestors can be thus
helpless what may the poor Matilda have been—Turn busy imagination from the fatal supposition
The oversight we had committed in suffering the sailors to leave us became every day more and more regretted—Lady Southampton soon found herself in a situation that required the tenderest indulgence and would forbid removal even if our asylum should be traced by anxious love We spent our lives in fretting and had we not possessed an unlimited intimacy I know not how we should have endured the incessant chagrin—deprived even of the usual resources a scanty library a lute some rustic airs and a pedigree as old as the creation bounded the possessions and knowledge of our young friends and could not add any thing to our own
The Laird of Dornock however returned at last—Ah how unlike his gentle kindred—phlegmatic selfwilled crested and imperious his aspect presented a correspondent harshness and we instantly felt it vain to rest a hope on his
friendship he no doubt reproved his brother and sister for having lived on such familiar terms with strangers avowedly subordinate and though he often made us sensible our company was a burthen he took not a single step to relieve himself from it Phoebe had begun to improve herself in musick ere his arrival it was his pleasure she should continue to do so but his presence threw a coldness and constraint over the whole party which made what I had once thought a relief an inconceivable toil The ingenuous noble girl saw her brothers insolence with a grief which prevented her from profiting by the lessons so much desired—her gushing tears would often relax the strings of her lute while lowwarbling tales of hopeless love and her sad eyes fix themselves on mine with an expression too strong to be misunderstood I perceived while unconscious of the danger because possessed with the remembrance of my own disguise I had won the gentle heart I only sought to form—Circumstanced as I was this could not but
be a dangerous acquisition and by a fatality yet more alarming her elder brother soon after became enamoured of Lady Southampton nor did he conceal that inclination—he had from his arrival regarded me with an eye which indicated doubt on the subject of our marriage but the increasing size of my friend and our habit of living together appeared to controvert a suspicion which nevertheless remained in his mind
Anxious to profit by the only hour in the day which could favor his views he was obliged to give the advantage he sought and permit me to teach his sister with no other guard than his younger brother Hugh while he passed the interval with Lady Southampton—All equally rejoiced at an incident all had equally desired as to myself determined from the moment I had been convinced of the passion of the fair Phoebe to seize the first opportunity of intrusting her with my disguise ere shame for the mistake should disgust her with the object I was not sorry to confide it to
her brother as if it did not more attach him to my interest it would at least obviate every fear he might entertain on his sisters account whom he could then safely leave at any time This just candor produced more consequences than one The sweet Phoebe started blushed and first lifting her swimming eyes toward heaven then covered them with her hands—when I ceased to speak she timorously raised them to my face—Ah why had you not been thus sincere at first cried the generous girl the power was then in our hands—now—she shook her head and in that emphatic gesture strongly finished her imperfect speech Alarmed and anxious I conjured her to confide to me those reasons which made our situations in her opinion so hopeless She could not resist my entreaties and at length acknowledged that from the moment her elder brother returned Hugh no less than myself had observed a haughtiness and severity in his air and language more forbidding than usual at
last they had discovered that their sister Mabel far from listening to virtue and the Laird of Dornock had yielded to the King and to protect herself from her family had been compelled to publish her shame by claiming her lovers protection To reconcile the Laird of Dornock to so cutting a disgrace a title had been offered him with any post about the Court he should fix on and that at length thé fair Mabel consoled herself for the forfeiture of every rational distinction by the temporary honor of reigning in the heart of her King and being called a Countess I enquired with surprize how an event should affect us in which we apparently had no concern Hugh answered his brother far from accepting the splendid coverings offered for infamy had retired from Court in great indignation that at first they had both been compelled to scorn and return every letter and present sent by their sister yet of late some view inexplicable to them had made a singular alteration in the Laird of Dornocks sentiments
—Several couriers had been dispatched by him to the favourite Countess but neither their commissions nor the answers ever transpired yet many circumstances had given them reason to believe that our pacquets had never been forwarded as we were taught to believe—I changed colour at the idea of this deliberate treachery thanking heaven I alone had been informed of it as Lady Southampton often unable to govern her feelings by some imprudent speech would infallibly have betrayed her knowledge of it The young Hugh observing my uneasiness assured me though hopeless of finding a faithful messenger he held himself answerable for the release of those he had contributed to enthrall and that I might depend upon his own serviees if I would deign to confide in him nor should we be suspected as the causes of his disappearance since the Laird of Dornock well knew his sister Mabels particular fondness for him and would naturally imagine he was determined to profit by
the high favour she held at Court— Is there a charm on earth so touching as generosity —The noble youth paused with an air that indicated his ardent desire of having his offer accepted lest it should be mistaken for a vaunt I took a hand of each young friend and returning acknowledgments suitable to the occasion declined embroiling them with their fullen brother who could not want power to render our situation much more intolerable if once he suspected us of alienating his family from their duty—I persuaded them as well as myself that our own friends would with unwearied diligence search us out the moment they discovered any part of the crew survived the wreck of which the Captain would certainly inform them unless he sunk with the ship
Yet day after day proved this hope vain and fallacious—A dreary winter passed away in this remote Castle through every aperture of which the keen and howling wind poured unrestrained and the wild
ocean swelled with frequent storms while our affrighted senses often mistook the roar of the tempest for the groans of the dying
I had almost ceased to hope when one day while our host was hunting I wandered to the battlements as usual and descried from thence a small vessel approaching better built and more clean than those I was accustomed to see as it drew nearer the land I perceived English dresses—My heart took the alarm I leant impatiently forward straining the keen sense whose imperfection I complained of—The boat drew near—I discerned the regimental of Essex I gave a groan of exquisite delight and reeling forward should have plunged into the ocean had not the young Hugh who stood behind held me fast—The officer looked up and I instantly perceived him to be Henry Tracey the favorite aiddecamp of Lord Essex once before deputed in search of me—Disappointment mingled with the various and interesting
emotions of the moment—I pointed to the stranger sighed and fainted away
They bore me to Lady Southampton who thunderstruck at seeing me lifeless and unable to guess the cause seemed little better herself Hugh who clearly comprehended from my impassioned gesture how interesting the arrival of the stranger was to me hastened to bring him him to our apartment while yet his brother was absent when instantly retiring he left us full liberty— Tracey cried both of us at once Essex Southampton echoed each heart sum up all in a word—They live returned he and need only behold you to be happy—Ah gracious heaven cried I lifting my eyes thither while I presented my heart with my hand to the faithful messenger receive my transport we now can breathe freely give us the relief of knowing the events which followed the dangerous voyage of Essex and Southampton I should hardly dare to do so had I not first assured you of their safety resumed Tracey for
sorrow I see has been preying already on your bloom it would not perhaps have been more spared had you passed this trying interval in London
Apprehensive every moment of an interruption from the Laird of Dornock I besought the worthy Tracey to dispense with all preface and hasten his recital
With terror and anxiety continued he I followed my Lord into the vessel selected to convey him home nor were these emotions diminished when I perceived the Lord Deputy full of fits of doubt and reflection which at times were obvions even to himself often would he affect to drown them in gay society and wine and for the first time in his life he assumed a false bravery—At the hours of retirement far from indulging that intimacy so long established between him and Lord Southampton of which I had often been a grateful and humble partaker he sunk into an absence of mind and total silence no less alarming to his beloved friend than myself in effect that Nobleman saw he had set his fortune
on a cast and he would stand the hazard of the die as I conjectured by his turning to me one day and by an expressive motion of his head leading mine towards the side of the vessel where my Lord leant his thoughtful countenance apparently fixed on those rolling waves which yet perhaps he saw not— All is not well in the heart of thy Lord Tracey said his noble friend then pausing a moment he added in a lower tone Ah Essex aut Caesar aut nullus the Lord Deputy happily advanced and saved me the necessity of corroborating sentiments it gave me pain to adopt
It was not with the customary greetings we beheld the pleasant shores of our native country—doubt and anxiety threw a gloom over those lively and spontaneous emotions which often suspend even the sense of suffering Lord Essex lost not a moment but posted toward the Court with such expedition that he outwent all information and was his own harbinger—We arrived one morning ere
yet the Queen left her chamber but alas it was no longer the Court we had left—every face around appeared strange to us and we saw too plainly that the invidious Cecils reigned there triumphant—Lord Grey a favorite of theirs whom we had met on the road had presumed to pass the Earl of Essex without notice—that Nobleman gave him only an eyebeam and hastened on to decide his fate—Form was annihilated by circumstances and he rushed into the presence of Elizabeth the moment his arrival was announced—accustomed to behold him with complacency to receive him with kindness she yielded through surprize to the habits of so many years and granted the private audience he requested—She listened to a vague and weak vindication of his conduct in Ireland and the dotage of her soul was transiently gratified with the idea that he had preferred the recovery of her affection to that of his reputation in arms After a long conference the Earl rejoined his friends pride and pleasure
had flushed his cheek and the idea of reassuming his accustomed influence diffused through his mien that benignity and graciousness which are at once its nature and its charm Resentment and rage never constituted any part of his characters but at the moment he suffered by those passions such galling sensations were already forgotten—Overwhelmed with the congratulations of his friends encircled even by his overawed enemies the heroic Essex rose above the triumph he could not but desire—every face was instantaneously changed and those who knew not an hour before whether they should recollect him now with servile adulation hallowed his very footsteps—This fatal interval of shortlived power was however the last heaven allowed him—The crasty Cecils and their faction seized the moment he injudiciously quitted the Queen to persuade her this indulged favourite had not only acted contrary to his commission in venturing himself to return but that he had brought home with him all his chosen
adherents as well as every aspiring spirt likely to strengthen his sway and circumscribe hers—They touched the soul of Elizabeth where it was most vulnerable and having thus opposed to each other the two leading weaknesses of her nature by throwing the weight of party into the one scale it soon preponderated She was unhappily in that declining age which renders every human being in some degree capricious and timid —Already tinctured with fear she soon yielded to the various informations officiously brought her by factious consederates—She was told on all hands that Lord Essex was holding a Court even in her Palace and insolent and daring as this conduct could not but appear it was of less consequence than the unbounded influence he ever maintained over the people—an influence he would more than recover the moment he was seen in London For themselves they heeded not—willing martyrs to their integrity and fealty but for their Queen they all trembled at the prospect—It was
too hazardous to be risqued by Elizabeth fear and resentment conquered the tender prepossession which still struggled faintly at her heart and she determined to ascertain her own safety as well as that of her kingdom by imprisoning her favorite nor is this resolution to be wondered at since even her love conduced to it when irritated by the imaginary sting of ingratitude She had set the Earl up in early youth as an idol for her own heart to worship but he was not born to be satisfied with unmerited admiration—the more he acquired the more he sought to deserve till having established his favour on innate nobleness he rose above partial distinction leaving her to lament at leisure the very elevation she had given From this period she had been weak and irresolute in every instance where he was concerned at intervals lavishing honors to which he had no title at others withholding advantages he had fairly won The motive of this inconsistency he could not fail to discern but persuaded an attachment
which thus powerfully coped with her judgment was unconquerable he forgot that she was sinking fast into the vale of years when the noblest passions insensibly condense into selflove
You who so well know the heart of my Lord Madam cried Tracey turning to me will better imagine than I can describe his deep sense of an indignity entirely public and apparently premeditated So unexpected a manoeuvre mastered his judgment and giving way to the most passionate extremes he drew his sword and would have returned it by her messenger beseeching her to reward his services by adding a more decisive blow to that she once before bestowed on him since both seemed to him less shocking and ignominious than such open and unmerited contumely—In vain his friend sought to moderate his wrath in vain his enemies drew near eager to catch and treasure the rash expressions he should unwarily utter and convert them to his ruin—Touched on
the tenderest point his honor the world combined would have wanted power to silence him—he gave full scope to his indignant and wounded feelings and with a severity of truth more galling and dangerous than the greatest exaggerations declared aloud the Queen had outlived all her nobler faculties and that her soul was grown as crooked as her body This cutting sarcasm was too faithfully conveyed to Elizabeth who regardless of his pride while her own was thus wounded committed him to the charge of the Lord Keeper whose house was in effect his prison
Oh heavens what wild vicissitudes what transports of passion took possession of my Lord at recollecting the imprudent readiness with which he had delivered himself helpless and unguarded into the hands of his enemies struggling like a lion in the toils every vein would sometimes swell almost to madness nor dared I leave him a moment alone
I had no other hope of assuaging his irritated passions than by recalling to his
mind the beloved image of the fair voyager to whom the news of this event and the fear of what might follow it would be little less than death I averted one storm however only to give free passage to another the tear of tenderness proudly trembled on the burning cheek of anger and a grief it split my heart to behold took possession of his—Spare me the killing remembrance he would cry—disgraced—defamed—imprisoned how shall I ever lift my eyes to that fair that noble sufferer I tell thee Tracey rather would I have died than known this shameful moment—Impressed by the unwearied attachment I had ever shewn him and overweighed by the sense of his own situation my Lord at length condescended to lighten his own heart by unfolding to me its dearest views well he knew they would never pass beyond mine—no every vein of it should crack ere I would wrong so generous a confidence which I acknowledge but to prove my fate wholly dependent on the Nobleman
I serve I would have it so and heaven could afflict me only by separating them
The faithful Lord Southampton was his daily visitant though not himself a prisoner the consciousness that every action of his life was watched and reported bound that Nobleman to a most cautious observance The Cecils had now no wish ungratified for the imprudent bitterness of Lord Effex had supplied the only fuel to the Queens resentment which could long keep it alive nor did time in cooling the passions of my Lord incline him to submission—convinced in his own mind he was the injured person reflection only settled rage into disgust and contempt nevertheless his constitution sufferred severely by this variety of passions when one seized upon it which annihilated all the rest and completely debilitated his health—a grief more touching than glory or ambition could occasion suddenly overcame him—The time was now elapsed which ought to have brought to him and Lord Southampton the welcome
assurance that the partners of their souls were safe in Cumberland—the time was come I say—alas it was gone—Afraid to communicate to each other a terror which preyed alike on both Lord Southampton dispatched express upon express in vain—The days that lingered so tediously away however matured doubt into certainty Lord Essex no longer contended with the nervous sever which obliged him to take to his bed where reaching out a languid hand to his overpowered friend he broke at last the fearful heavy silence They are gone forever gone my dear Southampton cried he in the low accent of incurable despair heaven has spared to souls so gentle and susceptible those trials our stouter minds can perhaps better contend with—Oh thou dear one yet do I regret that this bosom did not receive thy last sighs that entombed with thee even in the ocean death had not consummated a union fortune ever frowned on—but I hasten impatiently to rejoin thee oh Ellinor my first my only love
The killing remembrance which distracted his mind soon rendered a malady slight at first desperate he was even given over the Queen for a long time withstood the accounts given by his friends of his situation so deeply had his enemies impressed her with the idea that this was only a refined artifice to tempt her to humiliate herself Nevertheless by one of those passionate emotions with which nature sometimes overreaches the most elaborate finesses of art she suddenly determined to ascertain his real situation by sending her own physician to visit him—The report of that gentleman convinced her of its danger—he was ordered to watch over the Earl with the most anxious care and even to hint to him that every distinction would be restored with his health—But alas sympathy itself had no longer any charms for him and the presence of Lord Southampton seemed the only relief his fate admitted That amiable Nobleman no less sensible of the mutual calamity than
his friend had not the same reasons to bury his affliction it in silence—Repeated messengers were sent alike to Cumberland and the port you embarked from ladies those who returned from the latter only confirmed the fears which had hitherto fluctuated—they informed the lover and the husband that the wife of the Captain mourned for him as dead nor was it doubted but that the crew and passengers were alike victims to a storm so sudden and tremendous The active and enlivened soul frequently exhausts its most acute sensations by anticipation—Certainty could not add to the grief occasioned by surmise and the extinguished hopes of the friends gave them alike up to that cold and sullen despair which is the worst of all states because frequently incurable Those late hopes the Queen was willing to revive her dying favorite with made not the least impression on him and the Cecils learnt with astonishment that neither their views their conduct nor even his own disgrace
ful imprisonment anylonger touched Lord Essex nay that not even his recovery was able to revive those habits the world were taught to think hitherto uncontroulable His friends on the contrary blest the skilful physician who prolonged a life so valuable and saw with the happiest hopes that those romantic flights in his character his enemies had almost wrought up to his ruin were at once extinguished leaving it without any other distinction than a melancholy sweetness which rather turned his thoughts toward philosophy than war The people ever naturally disposed to side with the unfortunate cried out that he was the innocent victim of the Cecil party who by some odious strokes of policy added popularity to their depressed rival in diminishing their own—Elizabeth herself could no longer support the idea that the man she still loved was obscurely breaking his heart while yet in the flower of youth in an unmerited and disgraceful prison—She yielded to the information of
the physician that his amending health required air and sent him her permission to retire to any of his seats in the country but forbad him to attempt appearing in her presence a restriction perhaps more agreeable to him than herself could she have seen the desolate situation of mind in which he departed
From the country he addressed a letter of thanks to the Queen which displayed at once his eloquence gratitude and languor in truth the latter gained ground daily in his character Lord Essex was born capable of uniting in his preson every various and generous pursuit had fortune allowed it but not even he was equal to living without one—I frequently trembled at beholding his gloom and inanity Wholly removed from the sphere in which he had hither moved and the pleasures he had once enjoyed the rude society of his neighbours and the boisterous amusements the country afforded rather offended than filled an enlightened and susceptible heart He wandered
all day in the woods alone and returned every evening spent and unrefreshed only to recover animal strength enough to enable him to pass the morrow in the same melancholy manner
In this situation I fancied a false hope could not add to his danger and might perhaps rouse those active faculties every hour seemed more and more to absorb I one day ventured to repeat to him an imaginary dream tending to prove you still existed—Not even the firmest mind can resist the subtle attacks of superstition when labouring under depression—His soul so eagerly adopted the fiction of my brain that I was a thousand times tempted to acknowledge it to be such but dared not venture to shew him I had played upon his wounded feelings Revived with the most vague and distant hope he impatiently drove me away on a search my own soul foreboded to be fruitless I even debated after I set out whether I should not loiter the time away in England till I could decently return from my
imaginary peregrination when a dream more pointed and singular than that I had feigned awakened in myself those hopes I had communicated to my Lord but I will not call it a dream since surely the event proves it a visitation—Oh gracious God what joy will my return pour into the hearts that now ach for either How pure will be the satisfaction derived from their acknowledgments
During this long recital my tumultuous feelings pursued my love through every desperate situation—My woestruck heart hardly dared to breathe till finding him at last free and well it gave a deep sigh and respired without pain Essex insulted endangered imprisoned—I cast my eyes round those gloomy walls I so late thought my prison and raising them to heaven adored the power who there confined me unconscious of the conflicts I could not have supported Ah Essex what were the warring elements the midnight
wreck the long long solitude the dire uncertainty I bad so bitterly bewailed to the single idea of seeing thee one moment at the mercy of Elizabeth one moment in the power of thy enemies And yet for me thy generous soul lost all sense of even these inflictions pride vanity and grandeur in vain assailed thee a true and noble passion beat unalterably at thy heart condensing in one favourite sorrow those mighty powers which once fulfilled every various and active duty of humanity
But this was not a moment for impassioned reveries Lady Southampton recalled my attention to the present moment and we employed it in informing Tracey of the name character and situation we had thought it prudent to assume as well as of those of our host Scarce was he master of these important particulars ere the Laird of Dornock returned and broke in upon us with an abruptness and anger he took no pains to disguise The sight of an English
officer a little abated his wrath Tracey according to the plan we had agreed on called Lady Southampton his sister and with every testimony of gratitude for the hospitable shelter our host had so long given us offered a recompence still more agreeable with which happily he had had the forecast to provide himself—While the Scot stood irresolute respecting his answer the wary Tracey turned to us and in an authoritative voice said he must answer to the Queen for his absence did it exceed the appointed time and therefore we must quickly take leave of our friends and hasten our departure for England This decisive speech increased the perturbation and disappointment already obvious in the features of our host nevertheless our going was to him so unforeseen an event that not being able to find a sufficient reason for detaining us he tacitly consented to it
My heart bounded at the unhopedfor liberation and I would have sailed that moment despite of wind and tide but
as the sailors declared this impossible our departure was delayed till the next morning Whether the various incidents of the day accelerated the hour appointed by nature or that Lady Southampton contrary to her own idea had reached it I know not she was seized at midnight however with the pains of labour and suffered so severely that her life was despaired of In the course of the ensuing day she was delivered of a dead child and I was obliged to console myself for the long delay this event must necessarily occasion in the pleasing idea that the partner of my fate was not prematurely divided from it—in truth her vexation was so great that I was reduced to stifle my own lest I should contribute to her illness
The fate which hope yet gilds though but from the verge of the horizon is never quite insupportable We found in the protection of Tracey and the idea of rejoining the world to which he seemed our immediate link the means of beguiling many a tedious hour nor was
this consolation superfluous for the Laird of Dornock became from the moment of Traceys arrival more sullen and impenetrable than ever—Self was in him the prevailing principle Early invested with that bounded but absolute authority which oftener produces and shelters tyranny than a more extensive field of action he had hitherto known no opposition—How often has a blind passion warped the noblest natures nor was it perhaps unnatural that he should stretch his prerogative to retain in his hands a lovely and beloved woman over whom he could claim no right—Long inured to fear suspicion and anguish they readily returned to their throbbing habitation my heart I often fancied I read murder written in dark but legible lines on the knit brow of our host and though Tracey slept only in an outer chamber close by us scarce could I persuade myself he was suffered to rest peaceably there or yet lived for our protection nevertheless I strove at times to reject those black chimeras a lively imagination perhaps too readily adopted
The Laird of Dornock no longer interfered with us or our fate neither did he withhold from us the company of his sister—That sweet girl new to society with a romantic happiness peculiar to youth gifted every object with her own graces and virtues impressed at once with the merit of Tracey she transferred to a heart which could return it the passion I had unwarily inspired nor was her second choice unpropitious Tracey whose soul had expanded in a camp was yet to learn the inconceivable charm of love it took full possession of him With a sweet though sad pleasure I witnessed pure and innocent vows which continually reminded me of those days when like Phoebe I looked enraptured on the varied landscape of life yet glowing with the early beams of hope unconscious of the showers which often would fall the heavy nights which must wholly obscure it Tracey no less delighted than his mistress no longer hastened his departure to England and looked
astonished that we did not find every charm of existence in this dismal exile
I however anxiously waited with Lady Southampton the day when her recovered health should enable us to depart—It came at length and we were eagerly preparing for the voyage when the Laird of Dornock sent us an order to read by which the King of Scots impowered him to detain us I know not any shock of all fate had imposed on me I ever felt more sensibly nevertheless I had presence of mind enough to observe by the date of this order that it had been obtained during the consinement of my friend The disappointment and despair this incident occasioned was only alleviated by the recollection that in abusing the authority of the King to indulge an unworthy inclination the Laird of Dornock had made himself responsible to the laws of his country for our safety by admitting that such persons were in his custody Tracey gave him notice of this immediately and though he moderated his rage in
consideration of the fair Phoebe he warned the Laird of Dornock to treat us nobly as he would answer it to his own King and the Queen of England in whose name we should soon be demanded To this indignant vaunt for in truth it was no better the haughty Scot coldly replied that he should take his chance of incurring an old womans anger who perhaps had already resigned all her rights to his master Tracey could no longer controul the feelings of his generous soul and replied with acrimony The Laird of Dornock bad him profit by the occasion and be gone immediately if he did not mean to be included among the prisoners There wanted only this stroke to consummate our wretchedness and however reluctantly we lost our only friend and protector Lady Southampton joined me in arging him to go and overruling all his objections we hastened him alone into a bark which an hour before we seemed to see ourselves in He comforted us
with the assurance of soon returning being fully persuaded the King of Scots would never authorize so unjust and illegal a procedure when once the whole circumstance was impartially stated to him I sighed at remembering I knew him better but as an explanation at that moment was vain I urged not the unbounded influence of the fair Mabel through whose illicit connection with the King this order had doubtless been obtained How should that Monarch be convinced of a remote act of injustice who even at the moment of committing it was wronging every moral and religious duty The man who once voluntarily errs must either be weak or vicious in the first instance, he resigns himself up to the passions of others in the latter to his own and in either case scarce ever recovers the narrow but even boundary of virtue
It was not by such means I hoped for freedom—ah no myviews all pointed to she lover to whom my heart like the needle
ever vibrated though far divided— Let Essex be once informed sighed I—let him once know where to find me and he would cross the globe to ensure my safety When the chagrin of this trying moment abated I called to mind the infinite relief the visit of Tracey had given our spirits and the change it had made in our situation by acquitting us of those petty obligations which always humiliate a noble mind unless it finds a congenial one in the bestower
I soon observed that the Laird of Dornock had not courage to profit by the base injustice he had committed The subservient situation Tracey placed himself in when we were present and the profound deference with which he obeyed our every wish neither agreeing with the rank we avowed nor the regimental he wore a vague idea of mystery had taken possession of our hosts mind which wanted vigor and activity to attempt developing it Conscious too late that he had in releasing Tracey set a spy on his own
conduct he vainly regretted the timidity which prevented his detaining him He nevertheless at intervals still talked of love to Lady Southampton offering to buy a return by imaginary worlds of wealth for to us accustomed to elegance and luxury all his possessions appeared but a gaudy poverty As these ostentatious and absurd offers were one day made in my presence I could not but take some notice of them he silenced me however by replying I must be cautious how I exerted a spirit so likely to make him transfer his attachment and be satisfied with protecting one of the two since I could neither think so ill of his discernment or my own beauty as to believe him the dupe of my disguise As it was the first moment a doubt on the subject had ever transpired my confusion gave him instant conviction I could not recover myself sufficiently to reply for some moments at length I told him he had guessed the only part of our secret which did not lie too deep for his knowledge
nevertheless all he had discovered was but the least part of the mystery and finally that the day which informed him of our names and rank would call him to a severe account if his conduct were in the least unworthy either us or himself—I boldly affirmed that the only thing wanting to our safety was to have the Court of England informed of our asysum and now that was by Traceys means ascertained we were not without noble friends to claim us The grandeur of air natural to me when insult roused my pride astonished and awed him—his mind laboured with vague and indistinct apprehensions and as all attempts at diving into a secret locked up solely in the hearts interested in retaining it must be vain he half repented having exerted an unjustifiable influence he could no longer hope to profit by
Lady Southampton acknowledged her obligations to my firmer spirit and both having no farther reason to affect subordination resumed the habits of rank
and distinction hiring domestics of our own till the moment of enfranchisement should arrive
Heartily weary of us both I often thought the Laird of Dornock meditated proposing to release us and while I was one day insensibly guiding him to that wishedfor point an order from Court was delivered into his hand Convinced it would liberate us I cast an eye of triumph on him while he opened it and saw his countenance confess the same idea but a moment caused a visible change in it He read the order aloud and we found with inexpressible astonishment that it contained the strictest charge to guard his English prisoners as he would answer it to his King yet with all due deference—I eagerly caught at this article without seeming to notice the first which nevertheless sunk deep into my heart nor was his insensible to the latter—The weariness and disgust he had begun to indulge increased and his pride revolting at the idea that his castle was become a state prison and himself only
a jailer he felt every way irritated humiliated and offended No human being submits to power with so ill a grace as him who has unjustifiably exerted it and when its restrictions fall heavily on such mere retribution becomes in effect a severe revenge
A tedious interval had again clapsed without any news from England The tender timid Phoebe often persuaded herself her lover had never reached it and the singularity of finding ourselves apparently forgotten sometimes inclined my friend and self to unite with her in that opinion—yet how many other causes might we reasonably assign for it—causes so much more afflicting that we recalled our thoughts to the isle for consolation
Whether the infinite variety the eternal transitions my own life had already afforded inclined me to hope on or whether the incessant prayers I addressed to him who alone could relieve me endued my mind with fortitude I knew not but I certainly found in it resources
hitherto unknown Every passing day seemed to refine and settle its powers and perceptions till those turbulent passions which of late rushed like a cataract through my frame now with a gentle healthful current gave motion to my pulses
We learnt from Phoebe that many letters came from Mabel to her elder brother the contents of which he so cautiously concealed as made it obvious we were their subject This news only confirmed us in the belief that Tracey had reached England safely and afforded us at the same time the flattering idea that our friends were anxiously labouring to recover us however their progress might be impeded by obstacles we could neither guess at nor decide upon nor were these suppositions vain An order at length arrived that we should be delivered to the officer who should present its counterpart Oh what joy what gratitude what anxiety did this prospect of a deliverance afford us From the dawn of the morning till night blackened the ocean did one or the other
watch with eager expectation the promised vessel—We beheld it at last and hardly could Essex himself have been more welcome to my eyes
Tracey once more landed and glad was the greeting on all sides—He presented each of us letters—dear and precious characters my soul poured through my eyes when I again beheld them With lavish tenderness Essex hailed my second resurrection and vowed to shew his sense of the blessing by an implicit submission to my will—You shall no more complain of the terrors of a camp my love continued he I turn for ever from the bloody scene—A court no longer has any charms for me inspired with juster sentiments alive to purer pleasures in your heart and my own will I henceforth look for the wayward straggler happiness I am no longer my sweet Ellinor the Essex you have known I am become an absolute rustic a mere philosopher With you I will abjure the world and in some solitary spot devote myself to love and the sciences Oh
shut your heart like me my love to the past and look only towards the future I wait with impatience the news of your safe arrival in Cumberland and date from it our happiness
These words were to my soul what the balmy breath of spring is to the frozen earth the winds at once cease to blow the snow sinks into her bosom the buds put forth their verdure and nature forgets she has suffered
Tracey came fraught with gifts rather suited to the spirit of the donor than that of the accepter yet they opened the heart of the Laird of Dornock who listened to the avowal of Traceys love without repugnance and at length promised him his sister if at the expiration of two years his rank in the army entitled him to claim her—The tears of the young lovers for ever cemented those vows his will thus authorized Joy having disposed my heart to receive the soft impressions of every gentle passion extinguishing all that were not so I re
membered with astonishment the moment when I readily adopted the ambitious projects of Essex—Rank riches glory what are ye —Gay ornaments which lend splendor indeed to felicity but which only incumber and weigh down the soul when struggling with the waves of misfortune gladly we lighten ourselves of such adventitious goods and grasp in tranquillity and love the unenvied but rich essence of all our fortune
In life as in a prospect we can long enjoy only a bounded view and all which presents either to the mind or eye a multiplicity of objects however great or beautiful overstrains the faculties and destroys the repose Rejecting at once every gaud vanity delights in from the distant throne and the mighty multitude ready perhaps in turn to conduct me to it my soul called forth the beloved individual and seating him at my side in a safe and humble solitude asked what we should lose by the change —lose Ah rather what might we not gain —How
sweet was it then to find Lord Essex himself at length cherished ideas wholly similar that weary of war ambition envy and all the turbulence of life in renouncing the court of Elizabeth he left with the power the wish of possessing it—That time solitude reflection disappointment itself had rather changed than extinguished his taste which thus regained its true bias seeking in the powers of the mind, and the impulses of the heart a happiness not to be found on earth when those sources fail to supply it
In leaving forever the dreary scene of my exile I could be sensible of only one regret but flattering myself Tracey would ere long restore the sweet Phoebe to my friendship I soon dried up the tears due to the floods that charming girl bestowed upon our parting The rapid motion of the vessel bore no proportion to my impatience whenever I looked that detested isle was still in view I thought we should never lose sight of it
Oh how I anticipated the sweet repose which awaited us in the green solitudes of Cumberland I flattered myself Essex would already be there though Tracey assured me spies still followed his steps from which only a long confirmation of his peaceful intentions could relieve him
At length the pleasant shore of England was descried welcome to my heart was the shout which proclaimed it Our very souls shot through our eyes once more to hail our native country We found at the port servants and every accommodation that might render our journey easy Ah how beautiful was that journey—a thousand various objects of simple majesty united to form one perfect whole and a new delight stole on every sense as we wound through varying vallies embowered by hanging woods reflected in many an expanse of clear water dim shadowed at intervals by mountains whose arid heights defied the sun they seemed to swell to
Far in these green labyrinths we came at once upon the Castle from whence I now write—It is in fact only an elegant ruin and might rather be termed the residence of the anchorite Solitude In tearful gladness the fair owner threw her arms round my neck and blest the power which permited us at last to rest here
From this antique mansion do I date my narrative and in arranging it seek only to fill up those hours yet unblest with the presence of him born to fill every future one Dear Lady Pembroke I cannot express the divine repose which hushes at last my overworn faculties—I look back with wonder on all the past griefs the mortal conflicts my shattered frame has contended with So pure so perfect is now my grateful tranquillity that it seems proof even against misfortune itself—No more shall my beating heart— my burning brain—but why should I revert to such dismal recollections
Embosomed in the maternal arms of nature safe in the obscure and solitary
situation of this ivied asylum here my affrighted soul like a scared bird faintly folds up its weary wings delights to be alone and joys in mere safety I think I can never be happy be grateful enough and while my heart exhausts itself in enjoyment I still call on it for ebullitions to which it is unequal Pride passion vanity all the grosser particles of my nature are at once exhaled and every pure every social virtue unfolds and blossoms to the vernal sun forerunning even the snowdrop
Oh that radiant glorious luminary how new to me seems its influence— Dark have been the films through which I have hitherto viewed it Pardon my darling friend these flights of fancy how playful does the mind grow when at peace with itself
Hasten generous Tracey hasten to my love and inform him of our arrival But is not Tracey already gone Oh hasten then my Essex quit that busy scene where virtue incessantly hovers on the verge of a precipice a thousand
ready hands would plunge her over —partake with me the deep repose of thi solitude—no longer heed Elizabeth herself not even her power can reach us here Natures gigantick phalanx impassable mountains present their formidable summits in long array overawing every inferior guard while in their vivid hollows happiness reposes on the bosom of her mother Nature—Oh come then and in
A life exempt from public haunt
Find tongues in trees books in the running streams
Sermons in stones and good in every thing
A thunderbolt falls on my brain avenging heaven why does it not wholly split it Tried—sentenced—condemned—while I entombed in a now detested solitude gaily dreamt of endless happiness—Oh let me once more rush madly into the world overwhelm my agonized
senses with the shouts of armies—the groans of the dying—fountains of blood —rivers of tears—find if possible a horror in nature may counteract that now raging in my soul—The wreck of the universe alone can equal it—But let me give the ruin scope—wherefore wherefore should I wish it lessened—Oh Lady Pembroke
LADY PEMBROKE WRITES
The trembling hand of the friend last invoked takes up the pen to finish the woes of a fair unfortunate who will never more be her own historian—Alas they had now reached their climax
The eccentric turn of mind which made the sweet Ellinor form a plan so extraordinary as her supposed death and burial excited an astonishment in me its artful execution alone could increase Nevertheless the regular pursuit of a single idea was far from persuading her friends her intellects had recovered their tone or equality
When this heartbreaking narrative came to my hands I could not but observe that the sweet mistress of Essex had a very partial knowledge of his character or information of his actions—Blest with the most equitable and generous heart that ever actuated a human bosom his virtues often took a false colour from the selfish views of those who once found the way to it Credulity was so much his fault that even his enemies profited by it whom he always ceased to consider as such the moment they deigned to deceive him with a false protestation of regard—In fact the lenity of his nature continually counteracted that ambition which was its only vice and irradiated his character with the milder glories of humanity a lustre more soft pure and lasting than mere conquest can bestow Nevertheless the early habits of power and distinction had seized on his affections and even his love cooperating with that indulged foible they increased together The daring project he had formed was
no way unfeasible had he managed it with address for he possessed the hearts of the whole kingdom a few envious individuals excepted But art was unknown to Essex and those his superiority offended were proficients in that science unhappily too they were so immediately around the Queen that they could convert the suspicions she sometimes entertained of his conduct into certainty Yet so rooted was her love for this unfortunate favorite that it long contended with that she bore herself and tears of illjudged fondness often absorbed the bitterness his enemies would have wrought to his ruin Such a weakness alone could induce a sovereign wise and experienced like Elizabeth to delegate a power scarce inferior to her own into the hands of a Nobleman valiant popular and aspiring In consenting to Essexs command in Ireland the Queen made an absolute sacrifice of her own inclination which was only gratified when he was near her to his or perhaps in effect
both unconsciously yielded to the secret policy which invariably sought to separate them—Convinced she had bound him to her by every tie of gratitude honor and confidence how must so high a spirit as that of Elizabeth be shocked wounded and irritated to see him loiter away his days inactively in Ireland regardless alike of her admonitions and the censures of the people —Insensibly she imbibed the prejudices of the Cecil family the inflexible enemies of the Earl to whom she submitted the government of the state less from any esteem for their talents than the latent desire of piquing the negligent favorite to whom they were equally obnoxious Time confirmed to the Cecil faction the influence they at first owed solely to resentment The wearisome supineness of the Lord Deputy was at once succeeded by a suspicious and mysterious conduct His secret treaties with the arch rebel Tiroen the anonymous captive who seduced him into these—all was reported with aggravation
to Elizabeth The resentment occasioned by the error of his conduct was doubled when she knew that of his heart jealousy took full possession of hers and she determined to make him severely sensible of her power but she was told it was not safe at that period to recall him Obliged for the first time in her life to controul herself and meditate how to get him again into her power her temper became absolutely intolerable Her Ladies perserved a melancholy silence save the artful few instructed to foment and profit by her irritated passions The fate of Essex seemed wholly to depend on the event of a war hitherto unprosperous when to the astonishment alike of friends and enemies without performing any considerable exploit which might secure him a welcome the Earl posted suddenly home and presented himself before Elizabeth with the dauntless air of unblemished innocence Whether the surprize of the moment really revived that powerful passion of which
he had so long been the object or whether fear for her life made her dissemble the bitterness and rage swelling at her heart is a circumstance which never reached my knowledge It is certain the Queen received him graciously and listened to a very imperfect and incoherent defence of his conduct They parted friends and Essex instantly giving way to that credulity which so often made every talent art and nature could unite in his person abortive considered himself as effectually reestablished in her heart and indulged all the exultation such a triumph over his enemies could not fail to occasion
What a thunderstroke then was his immediate disgrace a disgrace he could not but impute to his own imprudence since in returning without advice he had delivered himself voluntarily into the hands of his enemies To the mortification of a long and humiliating imprisonment was shortly after superadded a killing grief in the supposed loss of the beauteous Ellinor
Resigning himself to a sullen and silent despair he no longer condescended to offer Elizabeth any further vindication of his conduct nor could be persuaded to make the least submission This concussion of feelings however shivered his animal no less than his mental system A fever followed which soon rose to a dangerous height Obstinately rejecting all medical advice he declared a thousand times he wished only to die nor had that wish been vain but that the Queen unable wholly to subdue the sentiments of tenderness which had so long reigned in her heart sent her own physician to attend him with offers of peace and pardon The desperate state in which he found the Earl was faithfully reported to Elizabeth who touched to the heart hesitated whether she should not revive him by an immediate visit so hard will it always be to counteract by political manoeuvres the genuine impressions of nature The Cecil party suddenly found themselves on the brink of ruin and
every argument fear pride or prudence could suggest was enforced to delay this interview Elizabeth vielded to the powerful combination of reasons in that instance but could not deny herself the pleasure of corresponding with Lord Essex as he grew better and soon suffered him to vindicate his conduct nay even condescended to reproach him with the unknown lady who had so fatally influenced it To this perplexing hint he replied his grief alone must answer and the melancholy tenour of his life so exactly agreed with this declaration that Elizabeth pressed no farther into a secret it was plain the grave now veiled rather seeking by kindness to invigorate a mind illfortune had borne too hard upon
It was now the shining time in the life of Essex The purple torrent of successful war had hitherto swept away or sunk those sweet humanities those social virtues time at length cast up in the vale of adversity—Endued with eloquence
taste science sense and sensibility he now resigned himself to the charms of philosophy poesy and the mathematicks Innocent and tranquil resources to which the mind must ever turn when disappointed if blest with powers capable of relishing them The Cecils never thought Essex more dangerous Age and infirmity now made Elizabeth anxious for peace abroad and tranquillity at home and there wanted only a meeting between her and the much altered Earl to reestablish him in her favour but that meeting his enemies entered into a league to prevent and began by winning Elizabeths physician to order the Earl of Essex into the country—An artifice so refined as his liberation was not immediately discovered to be policy by any party and the Queen lulled into a belief that she could honorably receive him when he should return suffered him to depart without an audience
Wearied of wars camps and political jealousies and discussions the melancholy
Essex desired in freedom only the solitude he found when Tracey returned with the astonishing news that the mistress he still adored yet existed—Fatal news to his future repose—The impossibility of openly claiming Ellinor revived with his passion all his dangerous and precarious projects—Every other effort to obtain her was made without success ere he secretly applied to the King of Scots who always knew his own interest too well to grant any favour without having secured an adequate return James ardently desired to be nominated as the successor of Elizabeth by herself and had not spared bribes promises or flattery to interest those around her whom he thought likely to influence her choice The unhoped solicitation of the man whose courage and ambition James most feared was a circumstance of importance Uninformed of the real name or characters of the prisoners Lord Essex so eagerly desired to recover the King of Scots sent the Laird of Dornock notice to guard them more strictly The vehement tem
per of Essex made him always resign to the prevailingobject every other interest but a treaty like this could not be carried on so secretly as to escape the suspicious eyes of the ministers With what malignant joy did they silently watch its progress till the moment when its publication would inflame the Queen to their wishes
Essex now once more thought it his interest to be busy admired and popular he relapsed into all his old habits and having gained the Queens permission returned to London Far however from profiting by this indulgence to obtain her pardon he remained at home throwing open his doors to all impoverished officers and clergy among whom a number of spirited adventurers appeared whose lavish praises seemed to render his popularity greater than ever
Elizabeth with disgust beheld him assume the favor she perhaps intended once more to bestow and kept in silence a strict watch upon his conduct By a
refinement known only in politicks his enemies scattered among his partizans many creatures of their own instructed to dive into all his intentions and spread abroad seditious and treasonable projects as though intrusted by himself with such This malice was but too successful—Inflated with the adulation of misjudging friends the extravagant admiration of the multitude and the insidious attacks of his enemies the selfdeluded Essex sprung the mine himself which destroyed him
The mischief commenced by a broil between the Lords Southampton and Grey the last assaulting the former in the street and though the offender was ceremoniously punished the spirit of party broke out in a thousand little daily quarrels The Queen already persuaded that Essex ever haughty and impetuous scorned her power despised her person and only waited a favorable moment openly to insult both was irritated beyond all bearing by the artful
covery at this cruel crisis of his secret treaty with the King of Scots—Its real cause was unknown to her and the offence though trifling in itself of a nature most likely to exasperate a Sovereign whose eyes were ever turned from a successor she refused to acknowledge— The discovery proved decisive—Elizabeth instantly resolved to deliver the ungrateful favorite up to the laws of his country and authorized a judicial enquiry into his conduct The Cecil party desired no more for well they knew Essex would rather die than brook the deliberate indignity The commissioned Lords assembled at his house on a Sunday as the time when they should be most safe from the insults of the partial populace—They found the Earl sufficiently inflamed who swearing he never more would be a voluntary prisoner shut up the Lord Keeper and the rest in his own house rushing forth armed and followed only by a few friends and
domestics to claim the protection of the people
By a fatality not peculiar to himself the bubble popularity which had so long swelled and glittered before his mistaken eyes burst at once and left to him a vacuum in nature—The sacred day was but too judiciously chosen by his enemies—without preparation—almost without a friend the unhappy Essex rushed through the streets of London crouded only with peaceful and humble mechanics who emerged from every close lane environed by their wives and children to enjoy the weekly holiday—To people of this stamp the gallant Essex was almost unknown—certainly indifferent with stupid and curious eyes they turned to gaze on those warlike steps none ventured to follow—steps which bore the noble Essex so fast toward ruin Distress however only increased his desperation and the citizens being spirited into making an ineffectual effort to prevent his return a skirmish
ensued The amiable Tracey had the fate he desired and fell at the side of his Lord who even in this cruel moment dropt a tear on a youth so beloved Fame honor happiness nay even life were fleeting fast from Essex and however careless of these goods friendship still asserted her rights over his feelings—In compassion to the few generous adherents who must have fallen in his cause had he longer resisted the Earl at length surrendered his sword
All was now over with this admired and erring favorite—Imprisoned in the Tower he had ample leisure to reconsider the events which brought him there—The desertion of the people had opened his eyes to the realities of life—He too sensibly found while he ministered to their necessities their pride or their pleasures the multitude could rend the air with acclamations but the moment a claim was in turn made on their feelings they always become cold torpid and inanimate He perceived with
vain regret that he had been duped into this outrage on the laws of society by the manoeuvres of his enemies no less than the credulity of his heart But he was not formed to profit by these humiliating discoveries they impressed a nature so upright only with the deepest disgust—He was however consoled with remembering selfpreservation was the sole motive for his daring attack and that no action of his life had yet violated the duty he had sworn the Queen He resolutely prepared himself to meet the judgment of his peers and only lamented the friendship which involed the generous Southampton in his fate who shared without regret the prison of a friend so dear
The Queen meanwhile experienced every emotion such a painful contrariety of passions must necessarily occasion—The imprisonment of her favorite as usual seemed to cancel his offence but he was now beyond her jurisdiction and the victim of the laws She had unhappily
surrendered him up to them and robbed herself of every prerogative but that of pardoning a prerogative she feared so high a spirit would never sollicit her to exert—She regretted too late having driven him to so dangerous an extreme and while his fate was yet uncertain suffered more perhaps than he did in its completion
The friends of the Earl persuaded no kind of influence would be spared to bring him to the block were unanimous in intreating him to win over the Queen by an early repentance and submission but they knew not the grandeur of the heart they would have humbled—Born to distinguish himself most eminently when outward distinctions were withdrawn it was then only Essex seemed to use his better judgment Can any one call himself my friend would he indignantly exclaim and yet wish me poorly to petition for an obscure an ignominious life What to pine away the flower of manhood in infamy and solitude shunned by all yet unstigmatized by public justice
and shunning in turn the exalted characters I dare no longer emulate—Shut up with those tormenting companions my own thoughts till led perhaps by desperation to inflict that fate upon myself I have meanly evaded receiving from the law—No my friends I am enthralled here as a traitor—if proved one it is fit I expiate my crime and if acquitted I know the value of a life ventured hitherto only for my country—Neither arguments or intreaties could shake his resolution and he heard with unequalled firmness that public sentence from which he still persisted there was no appeal In vain every dear and affecting image was pourtrayed in the strongest colours before his active imagination—From that of the woestruck Ellinor liberated too late and weaving in a distant solitude a thousand fairy bowers for love and happiness to dwell in—from her alone his nature shrunk You may wound my heart would he sighing say through every vein but my reason is still inflexible nor is even that sweet
creature an argument for my submitting to disgrace—No when I raised my eyes to thee dear Ellinor my conscious soul beheld in itself all that could intitle me to mate with thee—I cannot resolve to look up even to the woman I adore—Better she should weep me dead than secretly despise me while yet existing—Pure and precious will be the tears that fall upon my grave but never could I behold one which would not secretly reproach me—Leave me my friends to my fate honor has hitherto been the invariable rule of my conduct nor can I now adopt another
From the moment the condemnation of Essex reached the Queen peace and rest were strangers to her—The chosen of her heart was now the victim of the laws and that heart must bleed through his unless he could be induced to throw himself on her mercy A thousand emissaries assured him of a ready pardon—a word a wish would have obtained it—To these he ever replied with the same collected
air that had the Queen earlier shewn him this indulgence his life had never come within the censure of the law but as even her utmost bounty now could only prolong to him the liberty of breathing he was willing as well for her safety as in submission to his sentence to resign a privilege which became a burthen the moment it was his only one An answer thus calculated to touch the most indifferent heart stabbed that of Elizabeth yet as unasked to grant him a pardon would stamp her declining life with inexcusable weakness she underwent every hour the most trying conflicts
Ah why do I say the most trying alas there was a fair and forlorn one buried in Cumberland who more than died when this cruel intelligence reached her As the sentence of Essex included his friend Southampton the relations of the latter dispatched an express to his wife hoping she would arrive in London time enough to sollicit his pardon of the
Queen The messenger found the unfortunate Ladies buoyed up with safety solitude and many a gentle hope When the approach of horses echoed through the remote valley no other emotion was excited in either than the fond and latent flutter arising from the idea that it might be one or both of the condemned Earls—How terrible was then the transition in their minds when fully informed of their desperate situation and bereft of every resource expected misery supplies The unhappy wife of Southampton engrossed by her own share in the affliction observed not its deep its deadly effect on the intellects of her equally suffering friend till the stupefaction of Ellinor became intense and obvious and the evil irremediable
The human mind even when most elevated is not equal to the influence of two opposing passions—a sacrifice must be made and friendship yields to love Lady Southampton posted away with unremitting diligence intrusting her
friend to the care of faithful servants who were directed to bring her forward more leisurely—The deep gloom of the sweet Ellinors mind in the course of the journey gave way to a vague and irregular gaiety but as this had sometimes forerun her recovery so might it then had she been surrounded with such persons as knew her disposition—Those who had her in charge uninformed of her name situation and wounded spirit could not reasonably be expected to guard against events they could not possibly foresee It happened one day while they were resting Ellinor cast her eyes upon an extensive building full in sight and her wandering imagination called it Kenilworth—An officious attendant informed her it was Fotheringay Castle—She wildly shrieked stretched forth her arms expressively towards the fatal mansion then tearing those lovely tresses once before devoted to her calamity and scarce grown to their usual luxuriance threw herself on the ground and relapsed into total insanity
But when Lady Southampton entered the prison of her Lord upon whose aching bosom she poured forth all her grief and passion his disturbed friend found every fibre of his heart wrung and turning a fearful eager eye toward the door felt a horror not to be expressed at finding no one followed her—The afflicted wife wanted presence of mind to conceal a truth which consummated the fate of Essex—a truth so terrible that fain would he have believed it invented by his friends to reconcile him to his sentence—Convinced at length—now indeed do I feel the weight of my bonds—now indeed am I a prisoner would he exclaim—Oh Ellinor matchless Ellinor that I could fly to thee recall once more that unequalled soul which always like a frightened bird forsakes its home when misery hovers over it—Thou thou hast broken a spirit equal to every other affliction—thou hast made a coward of me—to save thee my love I could almost resolve poorly to condition for a disgraceful life and wish to survive my honor
Persuaded his presence would have the same effect it once before took at St Vincents Abbey he passionately sollicited to see her —This single idea seized upon his mind—it even became his solemn request—his dying wish In the hopeless state of her disorder the effect of their meeting was dreaded only on his account but as all intreaty and argument proved vain his friends at length resolved to yield to his passionate his only sollicitation The day was now appointed for the execution of Essex and the pardon of Southampton granted which alone he desired as all his friends were freely admitted to his prison there was no difficulty in leading thither the darling of his heart in the habit of a youth accompanied by Lady Southampton—Worlds could not have bribed me to witness such an interview —Ah dearest Ellinor were those senses they so eagerly desired to restore to thee in reality a loss How had they been perfect wouldst thou have supported the trying scene expiring
love and officious friendship dragged thee to witness—How wouldest thou have fixed thine eyes on the gloomy tower or those guarded gates through which thy lover must so soon be borne but never more should pass—How must thy soul have bled to behold those fine features a few hours were to separate from the heart which then gave them such agonized expression But that superlative misery was not ordained thee—Retired beyond the reach of love itself were all the various powers of that susceptible soul—Thy vague eyes confessed not their everlasting object—thy ear caught not his voice—nor did thy bosom answer with a single sigh the bursts of grief which struggled at that of thy lover still exquisitely alive to every human affliction To thee his parting soul yet clung and when his eyes beheld thee no longer they willingly shut out creation He saw not from the moment of Ellinors departure friend or relation but turning all his contemplations towards
the awful futurity in which he was so soon to launch died to this world even before his execution
On the night which preceded that event this billet equally addressed to my sister with whom the dear unfortunate resided and myself was delivered
Dear generous guardians of the lost angel my soul yet bleeds over receive in this my parting blessing and pardon oh pardon an incredulity but too severely punished by conviction a conviction so terrible as reconciles me to the death tomorrow will bestow Yes these eyes have been blasted with beholding the pale statue of my love dead while yet breathing—speechless—insensate—To the gathered multitude—the fatal scaffold—the axe which separates soul and body I turn for relief when this remembrance presses upon me
Adieu ye faithful sisters of the gallant Sydney—Oh if intelligence too late should visit the fair form bequeathed to your friendship with sympathy soothe every aching sense—Yet wake no
more to woe my worshiped Ellinor—Still may thy pure spirit slumber in its breathing tomb till that appointed hour which at length unites thee to thy ESSEX
Tower
It seemed as if in this epistle were enclosed every lingering weakness of mortality for the remaining hours of his life were devoted solely to the duties of religion—In the flower of manhood at the age of three and thirty this envied favorite resigned every earthly distinction and ascended the scaffold with a composure innocence and Heaven alone can bestow The melting multitude too late bewailed to see his glorious youth set thus in blood—His ear caught the general murmur of sorrow and applause he cast a look of corrected knowledge on the spectators then lifting his eyes to Heaven serenely submitted to the executioner who severed a head and heart which had they acted in unison might have awed the world
Of her so much beloved so generously so fatally faithful little more remains to be said—Neither time care or medicine ever availed toward the restoration of those intellects which might only have proved an additional misfortune—Yet even in this state of insanity Heaven permitted her to become the instrument of a singular and exemplary vengeance A year or more had elapsed during which her calamity took all those variable and dreadful forms peculiar to itself—The desire of having every medical assistance made me bring her with me to London where one evening with a degree of reflection and art often blended with insanity she eluded the care of her attendants and well knowing every avenue of the palace passed them all with wonderful facility
The Queen wholly sunk in the chilling melancholy of incurable despair and hopeless age resigned herself up to the influence of those evils—Her ladies were often employed in reading to her which was the only amusement her chagrin admitted—One memorable
night it was my turn—Elizabeth dismissed every other attendant in the vain hope of finding a repose of which she had for ever deprived herself I pursued my task a long while when the time conspired with the orders of the Queen to produce a silence so profound that had not her starts now and then recalled my senses hardly could my halfclosed eyes have discerned the pages over which they wandered—The door flew suddenly open—a form so fair—so fragile—so calamitous appeared there that hardly durst my beating heart call it Ellinor The Queen started up with a feeble quickness but had only power to falter out a convulsive ejaculation I instantly remembered Elizabeth believed her dead and imagined this her spectre The beauteous phantom for surely never mortal looked so like an inhabitant of another world sunk on one knee and while her long garments of black flowed gracefully over the floor she lifted up her eyes toward Heaven with that nameless sweetness that wild ineffable benignity madness
alone can give then meekly bowed before Elizabeth—The Queen heartstruck fell back into her seat without voice to pronounce a syllable—Ellinor arose and approached still nearer standing a few moments choaked and silent I once was proud was passionate indignant said the sweet unfortunate at last in the low and broken voice of inexpressible anguish but Heaven forbids me now to be so—Oh you who was surely born only to chastize my unhappy race forgive me—I have no longer any sense but that of sorrow—Again she sunk upon the floor and gave way to sobbings she struggled in vain to suppress The Queen dragged me convulsively to her and burying her face in my bosom exclaimed indistinctly— save me—save me—oh Pembroke save me from this ghastly spectre—Essex—Essex—Essex groaned forth the prostrate Ellinor expressively raising her white hand at each touching repetition—The violent shudderings of the Queen marked
the deep effect that fatal name took on her — Somebody told me continued the lovely wanderer that he was in the Tower but I have looked there for him till I am weary—is there a colder safer prison then But is a prison a place for your favorite and can you condemn him to the grave —Ah gracious Heaven strike off his head—his beauteous head—Seal up those sparkling eyes forever—Oh no I thought not said she with an altered voice—So you hid him here after all only to torment me—But Essex will not see me suffer—will you my Lord So—so—so—the slow progress of her eyes round the room shewed she in imagination followed his steps—Yes—yes —added she with revived spirits I thought that voice would prevail for who could ever resist it—and only I need die then well I do not mind that—I will steal into his prison and suffer in his place but be sure you dont tell him so for he loves me—ah dearly does he love me but I alone need sigh at that you know
And sigh she did indeed—Oh what a world of woe was drawn up in a single breath—The long silence which followed induced the Queen once more to raise her head—the same sad object met her eyes with this difference that the sweet creature now stood up again and putting one white hand to her forehead she half raised the other as earnestly demanding still to be heard though her vague eyes shewed her purpose had escaped her—Oh now I remember it resumed she I do not mind how you have me murdered but let me be buried in Fotheringay and be sure I have women to attend me be sure of that—you know the reason This incoherent reference to the unprecedented fate of her royal mother affected Elizabeth deeply—But could not you let me once more see him before I die resumed the dear wanderer—Oh what pleasure would it give me to view him on the Throne—Oh I do see him there exclaimed she in the voice of surprize and transport Benign majestic—Ah
how glorious in his beauty—Who would not die for thee my Essex— Alas never never never shall I see him groaned forth the agonized Elizabeth— Me married to him resumed our friend replying to some imaginary speech —oh no I took warning by my sister—I will have no more bloody marriages you see I have no ring wildly displaying her hands except a black one a black one indeed if you knew all—but I need not tell you that—have I my Lord —look up—here is my love—he himself shall tell you She caught the hand terror had caused Elizabeth to extend but faintly shrieking drew back her own surveying it with inexpressible horror Oh you have dipt mine in blood exclaimed she a mothers blood I am all contaminated—it runs cold to my very heart—Ah no —it is—it is the blood of Essex and have you murdered him at last in spite of your dotage and your promises murdered the most noble of mankind and all because he
could not love you Fye on your wrinkles—can one love age and ugliness—Oh how those artificial locks and all your paintings sickened him—How have we laughed at such preposterous folly—But I have done with laughing now—we will talk of graves and shrouds and churchyards—Methinks I fain would know where my poor sister lies buried—you will say in my heart perhaps—it has indeed entombed all I love yet there must be some little unknown corner in this world one might call her grave if one could but tell where to find it there she rests at last with her Leicester—he was your favorite too—a bloody bloody distinction The Queen who had with difficulty preserved her senses till this cutting period now sunk back in a deep swoon
The distress of my situation cannot be expressed—Fearful lest any attempt to summon a single being should irritate the injured Ellinor to execute any dire revenge for which I knew not how she
was prepared had not Elizabeth at this juncture lost her senses I really think mine would have failed me I recollected that the Queen by every testimony was convinced the unhappy object thus fearfully brought before her died in the country long since nor was it wise or safe for those who had imposed on her now to acknowledge the deception So—so—so cried Ellinor with a start would one have thought it possible to break that hard heart after all and yet I have done it—She is gone to—no not gone to Essex —Let us retire my sweet Ellen said I eager to get her out of the room lest the Queen should suffer for want of assistance—Hush cried she with increasing wildness they will say we have beheaded her also—But who are you fixing her hollow eyes wistfully on me I have seen you somewhere ere now but I forget all faces in gazing on his pale one—I know not where I am nor where you would have me go added she softly sighing but you look like an angel of light and may be you will carry
me with you to Heaven I seized the blessed minute of compliance and drawing her mourning hood over her face led her to the little court where my servants waited my dismission when committing her to their charge I returned to wake the ladies in the antichamber through whose inadvertent slumbers alone Ellinor had been enabled to pass to the closet of the Queen a circumstance which combined with a variety of others to give this strange visitation the appearance of being supernatural
Every common means were tried in vain to recover the Queen and the applications of the faculty alone could recall her senses but the terror she had endured has shook them forever Shuddering with apprehensions for which only I can account she often holds incomprehensible conferences complains of an ideal visitor commands every door to be shut yet still fancies she sees her and orders her to be kept out in vain The supposed disregard of those in waiting incenses a temper so many causes concur
to render peevish and her unmerited anger produces the very disregard she complains of Rage and fear unite thus to harrass her feeble age and accelerate the decay of nature When these acute sensations subside grief and despair take possession of her whole soul—nor does she suffer less from the sense of her decaying power Unwilling to resign a good she is unable to enjoy she thinks every hand that approaches is eager to snatch a sceptre she will not even in dying bequeath Oh sweet Matilda if yet indeed thou survivest to witness this divine vengeance thy gentle tears would embalm even thy most mortal enemy thou couldst not without pity behold the imperial Elizabeth lost to the common comforts of light air nourishment and pleasure That mighty mind which will be the object of future as it has been of past wonder presenting now but a breathing memento of the frailty of humanity—Ah that around her were assembled all those aspiring souls whose wishes center in dominion
were they once to behold this distinguished victim of ungoverned passion able to rule every being but herself how would they feel the potent example Ah that to them were added the many who scorning social love confine to self the blessed affections which alone can sweeten the tears we all are born to shed—Gathering round the weary couch where the emaciated Queen withers in royal solitude they might at once learn urbanity and correct in time errors which when indulged but too severely punish themselves
Absorbed and blended in the busy and woeful scenes this heartbreaking history presented to my mind—an anxious partaker in each succeeding calamity—I seemed to live over again the melancholy years we had been separated in the person of my sister—My own misfortunes—my darling daughter the whole world vanished from before my eyes—deepfixed
on objects no longer existing or existing but to double my affliction I remained almost the statue of despair every sense seeming rivetted on the manuscript I held and buried in so profound a reverie that Lady Arundell judged it prudence to interrupt it The consolatory reflections her friendship dictated died on my ear but reached not a heart which deeply pursued the sad chain of ideas thus presented to it—Starting as from a frightful sleep I at last sunk on my knees and raising my eyes with the manuscript at once toward Heaven—Oh mighty author of universal being sighed I thou who hast lent me fortitude to struggle with almost unequalled trials support my exhausted soul against this last—this greatest—Let not the killing idea that it is a human infliction trouble the pure springs of piety whence alone the weary spirit can draw consolation—Rather strengthen me with the holy belief that it is thy visitation for some wise end ordained
so shall my enemies sleep in their graves uncursed and my heart remain in this agitated bosom unbroken Alas who knows but by thy divine appointment I may be at last permitted to recall the scattered senses of this dear unfortunate to soothe that deeplywounded that embittered spirit Ah Ellen— Ah my sister groaned I deluged at last with salutary tears —changed—lost—annihilated as thou art my unaltered affection must ever desire thee—I need not enquire whether she is here—your sympathizing generous tears dear Lady Arundell inform me that the same roof shelters the twin heirs of misfortune
Although Lady Arundell acknowledged that my sister was under her protection fain would she have persuaded me to delay a meeting so touching till more able to support it but deaf to the voice of reason nature powerful nature asserted her rights and my soul obeyed her impassioned impulse The deep the eternal impression of this agonizing meeting recurs even now with all its first
force I had shuddered at the murder of my mother—I had groaned on the coffin of my husband—I had wept a thousand times over the helpless infant who trembled at my bosom—but all these terrible sensations were combined when my sad eyes rested on those still so dear to me— When I saw all their playful lustre quenched and set in insensibility—when I felt that heart once the seat of every feminine grace and virtue throb wild and unconscious against one which I thought every moment would escape from its narrow boundary—But let me quit a scene too trying for recollection—too touching for description Oh Ellinor— my sister
TIME which inures us to every kind of suffering at length strengthened my mind against the heavy sadness impressed on it by the fate of this dear unconscious sufferer Slowly I ventured to ponder on the past to meditate the future It was with true gratitude and concern I learnt Heaven had called to itself the amiable and accomplished sister of Lady Arundell who caught a cold during
her attendanee on the sick Queen which ended in a consumption and carried her off a few months after Elizabeth Actuated to the last by the sublimest sympathy and friendship Lady Pembroke had added to the moiety of the surveyors treasure which she had caused to be dug for in the spot specified a sufficient sum to secure the dear unfortunate every comfort her forlorn state admitted placing with her Alithea the favorite maid she had so tenderly commemorated and committed both to the charge of Lady Arundel who with equal generosity received so anxious a trust A virtue thus consummate sanctifies itself and can receive neither glory or grace from the gratitude of humanity yet surely the incense of the heart arises even to Heaven accept it then oh gentlest of the Sydneys although insphered there
The strange and unaccountable difference in my sisters opinion and my own respecting Lord Leicester supplied me a source of endless meditation yet as this difference became obvious only from
the time we arrived in London I could not help imputing her blindness to the same cause she assigned for mine—Certainly she imbibed the unreasonable prejudices of Lord Essex whose ambition however fatally expiated always inclined him to dislike a Nobleman born to supersede him I saw but too plainly from the irritation and vehemence to which her temper from that period became subject how much a woman insensibly adopts of the disposition of him to whom she gives her heart I had not however looked on her choice with the contemptuous asperity with which she regarded mine—Lord Essex I will frankly own ere yet he rose into favor was gifted like herself with every captivating advantage of nature—The fire and ingenuousness which afterwards marked his character then lived only in his eyes and the cultivated understanding he possessed pointed every glance with elegance and expression One must have loved Lord Leicester to see Essex with indifference—one must have loved him to the excess
I did perhaps not to remark the attachment my sister avowed—Innumerable instances of it now flashed on my memory I was astonished could at the moment escape me If she was indeed more clear sighted than myself—But why do I enter on so vain a discussion—Alas dear Ellinor beloved Leicester I have no right but to lament ye
I had likewise gathered another painful doubt from the story of my sister England had gained a King in the son of Mary Stuart but her unfortunate daughters must not hope to acquire a brother From the moment I had been informed mine had acceded to the throne the tender mothers heart had fluttered with the idea of presenting to him that lovely girl so nearly allied to his blood Although regardless of distinction in my own person I could not turn my eyes on the fair daughter of Lord Leicester without coveting for her every human advantage—Unwilling to be swayed by prejudice I separately consulted with the
few friends fortune had left me who all concurred in giving me an impression of the King degrading if not contemptible They represented him as national vain pedantick credulous and partial wanting generosity to bestow a royal funeral on the body of the martyred saint his unhappy mother yet daily impoverished to meanness by favorites and parasites Enslaved by the imperious spirit of a Queen he neither loved nor valued and only endeared to the people he governed through the fickleness of their natures which are always gratified by change As those who spoke thus could have no possible interest in villifying or depreciating him I could not but give some credit to their account and made it my first concern to see the King anxious to read in his countenance a confutation of every charge How unaccountably was I disappointed when my senses took part with his enemies—I beheld with astonishment in the person of James youth without freshness royalty without
grandeur height without majesty—an air of slyness and a secret servility characterized features which though devoid of the graces of either distinguished parent wanted not regularity and a stooping slouch gait gave an invincible awkwardness to a figure nature had endued with symmetry Offended and repelled my heart sunk again into its own little mansion nor claimed the least alliance with his—I determined to watch at leisure his real character and conduct nor ventured to confide to his care the single treasure Heaven had permitted me to retain of all it once bestowed Resolved to educate my daughter suitably to the fortune she was born to I thought it wise to bury in my own bosom at least for a time the secret of her right to it and the eccentric turn of mind every succeeding day rendered more obvious in the King made me continually applaud the moderation and foresight which guarded me on this interesting occasion
I however judged it necessary to assume a title no human being envied or offered to dispute with me and to support it properly without encroaching on my daughters valuable acquisition I found I must resolve to revisit Kenilworth Castle now the property of another family—In the building were contained cabinets so secure and unknown that Lord Leicester always deposited there ere he journeyed to London such papers jewels and other valuables as he thought it unsafe to take with him On the memorable night when last we quitted that pleasant dwelling I had assisted him to place in the most curious of these reservoirs several caskets for which he seemed more than commonly anxious and I added to their number that containing Mrs Marlows papers and the testimonials of my birth As if actuated by some sad presentiment that he should never more revisit this spot my Lord took great pains to familiarize me to the management of the springs and gave into my hands duplicates of the
keys By a singular chance amidst all the transitions of my fate these keys remained and seemed continually to remind me how important to my daughters welfare it might one day be to recover the caskets—A motive strong as this alone could conquer the reluctance I felt again to behold a spot sacred to the memory of a husband so beloved You will call this perhaps a childish weakness after all I had borne but alas the mind feebler and feebler from every conflict sometimes sinks under a trifle after repelling the more powerful attacks of illfortune with magnanimity
Lady Arundel with her usual kindness proposed accompanying me and we sorrowfully measured once more those miles which so strongly revived in my mind the most interesting remembrances At Coventry we rested to enquire into the character of the present owner of Kenilworth Castle We were told that this magnificent mansion I had left fit for the reception of a Sovereign had long been in the hands
of a miser whose avarice had induced him to strip it of its princely ornaments not less from the desire of converting those into money than to deprive it of every charm that might tempt the enquiring traveller to knock at the inhospitable gate Yet even when this ruin was effected the structure itself was so complete a piece of architecture as to attract a number of unwelcome visitors to exclude whom he had now let it to some manufacturers and resided himself in a remote apartment The chagrin this extraordinary revolution could not but occasion in my mind was increased when I recollected how hard it would be perhaps to gain admission and even when that was obtained we knew not whether the only room I wished to lodge in was now habitable Lady Arundell with her usual foresight advised me to seem to have no other motive for this visit than a desire to repurchase the Castle and when shewn through it to appear to be struck with so severe an indisposition as soon as I reached the
chamber which contained the cabinets as should render it impossible to remove me leaving it to her to reconcile the owner to so troublesome an intruder by the most lavish generosity A finesse of this kind alone could ascertain me any success and the sickliness of my aspect I was sure would sufficiently corroborate such an assertion
We set out immediately that by arriving in the evening we might have a pretence for passing the night there— My soul turned from the wellknown scene and sickened alike at sight of the reviving verdure and the splendid mansion to me alas only a gay mausoleum Humbly I sollicited entrance at a gate which once flew open whenever I appeared but ah though the exterior was the same how strange seemed the alteration within—No more did the liveried train of assiduous domestics assemble to the distant winding of the huntsmans horn—No longer did I rest in gilded galleries whose pictured sides delighted one sense while their coolness refreshed
another No longer could I even in idea behold the beloved the noble owner whose gracious mien endeared the welcome it conveyed—A change which jarred every feeling had taken place A numerous body of diligent mechanics were plodding in those halls were Elizabeth had feasted and their battered sides hardly now informed us where the rich tapestry used to hang My ears were suddenly stunned with the noise of a hundred looms and the distant lake once covered with gay pageants and resounding only to the voice of pleasure presented us another scene of industry not less busy strange and surprizing By incidents of this kind one becomes painfully and instantaneously sensible of advancing into life When first we find ourselves sailing with the imperceptible current of time engrossed either by the danger of our situation or enchanted with its prospects we glide swiftly on scarce sensible of our progress till the stream revisits some favorite spot alas so visible is the desolation of the shortest interval that we
grow old in a moment and submit once more to the tide willing rather to share the ruin than review it
Among the few servants retained by the meagre master of this desolated mansion one appeared who immediately recalled himself to my mind by the name of Gabriel I recollected his having been warden of the outer lodges The title by which I was announced—the weed I still continued to wear overcame one already bowed to the earth by age infirmity and penury and when to these circumstances was superadded the remembrance of the plentiful and peaceful days he had known under a Lord ever munificent to his domestics gratitude became agony and the poor old man sunk in a fit at my feet An incident like this might well have affected an indifferent spectator—I was scarce more sensible than himself and the alarm soon spread through the laborious mechanics till it was conveyed to Sir Humphry Moreton—Timorously he emerged from
his apartment and as the humble croud made way for him he measured me afar off with his eye and seemed lost in conjecture on the subject of my visit—My purse was yet in my hand and part of its contents in those of some persons who had lent a ready assistance Whether this or the wan delicacy of my looks interested him I know not but every carefurrowed feature gradually relaxed as he approached me striving in vain to soften into the smile of benevolence I rose to return his courteous salutation and informed him that when last I past the walls of this Castle I was its mistress the dear and happy wife of Lord Leicester but perceiving uncertain apprehensions of some remote claim began again to contract his brow I added that sensible I had lost every right in a spot yet dear to me I came to enquire whether he was disposed to part with it and to rescue from poverty such worthy servants of its late noble owner as had alike outlived their labour and him who should have recompensed it
What heart is insensible to that virtue in which we alone can resemble our Maker—Benevolence like religion awes even those it cannot win The miser loudly applauded my liberality and by a greater effort on his part allowing for the difference of our characters invited me to spend the night in the Castle The chamber I had been accustomed to inhabit he called his best and thither was I conducted I was not unprovided with the means of ensuring my own welcome and my servants having spread the cold viands we brought Sir Humphrys spirits grew light over luxuries he was not to pay for A temptation so agreeable prolonged his stay and I at length discovered the only way to shorten his visit would be to compliment him with all that remained seeing my servants in compliance with the hint were about to convey it out of the room fear lest any should be lost by the way prevailed over the hilarity
of the moment and he departed with the wine
With an impatient beating heart I raised the tapestry which providentially had been preserved in this room less from its beauty than antiquity as it was so worn that it had long been pannelled in many places—Behind the bed we discovered the secret spring of the cabinet which I opened without any difficulty and with the assistance of Lady Arundell took down the wellremembered caskets pausing at intervals to weep over all the tender ideas the sight of them recalled so forcibly to my memory then raising my eye toward Heaven while devoutly thanking the God who thus prospered my remaining wishes I almost fancied I beheld the beatified spirit of him who concealed these treasures
Lady Arundell would not rest without inspecting their contents The largest was filled with family papers bonds contracts mortgages many of which were to me unintelligible and all useless
The next contained letters and little ornaments less precious from their intrinsic value than their analogy to particular events—Under these was a gilt casket filled with jewels of great value and what was of infinitely more the authenticated bonds and acknowledgments of all the sums Lord Leicester had informed me he had providentially deposited in other countries and of which I knew not any memorandum remained This was so noble an addition to the bequest which already enriched my sweet Mary that it seemed to me her father even from the grave delighted to endow her while the Almighty gracious even when we think him most severe had thu• secreted for her advantage treasure it would have been impossible for me to have preserved through so many desperate vicissitudes
The next casket was a gift from the fond mother to the darling of her heart it contained all the testimonials of the Queen of Scots and other parties concerned
on the subject of my birth with the contract of marriage between Lord Leicester and myself I felt rich in these recovered rights and though prudence might never permit me to claim alliance with King James yet to bequeath to my daughter the power of doing so at whatever period it should appear advantageous was a great consolation to me
Lady Arundell and I past part of the night in packing these valuables in empty trunks brought for that purpose then closing the secret cabinet and leaving no traces of our search for it we retired to rest We departed early the next morning carrying with us that ancient domestic of Lord Leicester on whom memory had so powerfully operated and two others who long since expelled from the Castle sought a miserable subsistence in the hamlets around it It joyed my very heart to supply to these poor wretches a loss irremediable with respect to myself and the profound attachment of their
few remaining days amply rewarded me
Through the intervention of the friends I yet possessed some eminent merchants in London undertook to get the bonds notes c duly acknowledged and in process of time such considerable sums were of consequence recovered as ascertained to myself and child our accustomed affluence Years and misfortune had only cemented the ancient friendship between me and Lady Arundell—I added my income and family to hers—Her house was fortunately so near London as to allow me the advantage of procuring the first instructors for my daughter and the infirm state of Lady Arundells health rendering her as much a prisoner from necessity as I was from choice both insensibly found in the improvement of my daughter a mild and growing satisfaction which more than made amends for the world we shut out
Ah could I desire a greater pleasure Pardon madam the fond extravagance
of maternal love and allow me to present to you the darling of my heart in her sixteenth year Already something taller than myself to a form that united the strictest symmetry with the wild and variable graces of glowing youth my Mary added the perfect features of her father exquisitely feminized by a complexion transparently fair and a bloom alike delicate and vivid her hair of the golden brown I have described as peculiar to his fell below her waist in a profusion of artless ringlets heightening her beauty even to luxuriance—If she had borrowed any thing from me it was the collected modesty of her mien and from my sister she had stolen that penetrating fascinating smile those two alone of all I ever saw were gifted with—alas it was now wholly her own—Although lightness and elasticity characterized her figure every limb was rounded even to polishing and never did I contemplate the soft turn of her white arms when raised to touch the lute without thinking those
more perfect than even her face—Her voice was no less sweet in speaking than singing with this difference—in the first she softened the soul to pleasure in the last elevated it to rapture—Her understanding was strong and penetrating yet elevated and refined—Her sensibility the first formed of all her feelings was Father deep than ardent Maternal experience had moderated the enthusiasm incident to youth nor was it obvious in any instance but the love of knowledge Incessant unremitting in her studies books were her only extravagance and musick her only relaxation To compensate for the worldly pleasures I judged it prudence to deprive her of I was lavish in indulgences to which her taste naturally led I kept musicians on purpose to accompany her and found in the years filled up by herself and her employments that sweet though saddened pleasure parents only know and which perhaps more than makes us amends for all the more lively ones it recalls to
our memory In effect the more lovely she grew the more necessary I found it to hide her and offering her daily up to God I left her wholly to his disposal determined neither my pride vanity or ambition should interfere with the happiness I supplicated for her
On perusing this description I perceive at once the impossibility of your crediting it yet far from accusing myself of partiality I could call on all who ever beheld my daughter to attest my candor—How readily would Lady Arundell have done so—entendered to her by a love only inferior to my own that faithful friend found in declining life a new tye wound round her heart for which she daily thanked me
As nothing robs us of the confidence of youth like the appearance of mystery when time called reflection to being in her tender mind I slowly and by degrees confided to my daughter the painful events you have thus obliged me to commemorate This indulgence secured
to me her whole heart and I trembled only lest her deep sense of past misfortunes should affect her health for sensibility was the leading feature in her character Far from seeking to expound the future in her own favor the flattering prospects her distinguished birth and yet more distinguished endowments might well spread before her passed away like a shadow and she saw only her mother A thousand times has she bedewed my hand with a reverence the most endearing and the tears with which she often embalmed the memory of her father almost recompensed me for his loss From that period her expressive eyes were fixed ever on mine with such blended sadness and admiration as proved she thought me almost sainted by misfortune More studious henceforward of my pleasure more submissive to my will more solicitous for my repose it seemed as if in learning she was my only remaining tye on earth she conceived the various affections and duties of all I had
lost devolved to and centered in herself But sympathy was the genuine impulse of her nature for with equal care she watched over her unhappy aunt— Whenever that dear creatures incurable malady assumed the appearance of melancholy she was extravagantly fond of musick—At those intervals my lovely Mary would lean over her lute with the meek benignity of a descending angel and extract from it such solemn sounds as breathed at once of peace and sorrow insensibly soothing the perturbed spirit and melting only those yet undisturbed That subtle essence of our natures sensibility which madness can only unfix not annihilate often paused unconsciously upon the pleasure and softly sunk into repose
A child thus eminently amiable at once concentered my affections—commanded my esteem—possessed my whole confidence —actuated in short my very being—Ah how noble how affecting is the friendship grounded on the maternal and
filial tye when unconscious of any weakness in her own heart the mother dares present it as a pure and unflattering mirror to her child and with that selfapplause which even Heaven approves contemplates the upright the innocent soul it reflects—Sacred and indelible becomes that precept which is expressed but by example—Happy are those enabled to form such an attachment as inexperience strengthens on one hand and knowledge on the other—Neither the gusts of youthful passion nor the nipping frosts of age can destroy a plant rooted thus by mutual virtue—it only gains vigor from time and by the peculiar indulgence of the Almighty our sublimest merit ripens into our most perfect pleasure
Satisfied I had already acquired such an influence in my daughters mind as should enable me to regulate her principles I left it to time and circumstances to call them into action—The great business of my life now seemed over
and delivering my heart up to the flattering presages of maternal love a thousand visions of almost forgotten grandeur and happiness floated before my eyes and sometimes halfdeluded them
The fluctuating complaints of Lady Arundell at length settled into a consumption—It was an hereditary disorder of the Sydneys nor perhaps could all the solicitude of myself and my sweet Mary have availed toward her restoration even if a cruel shock in which we were all equal sufferers had not precipitated her fate
Among the unconscious caprices which by turns actuated my unfortunate sister was a passion for sitting in the open air—Neither times or seasons had any influence over her and she would insist on it alike in the snow of December and the scorching sun of July—To this selfwill I had no doubt greatly contributed From the moment of my return to England I had vehemently opposed the severe controul to which she had heretofore
been subject and habituated her attendants to yield to her in every instance which did not absolutely endanger her safety fully determined not to render an existence wholly wretched no human being could now make happy But as uninformed minds never know a medium the people appointed to watch her gradually suffered her to become sensible of her power which soon grew into an unbounded indulgence It was now the depth of winter and she had sat in the keen air for hours watching the snow which fell in abundance—The most violent shiverings ensued followed by a fever which settled at last on the nerves and brought her to the very verge of the grave—Nevertheless it appeared to have salutary effects—her spirits were sunk indeed to extreme lowness but they became more equal and traces of reason were often discernable in her actions If she did not remember she yet strove to know me and sometimes studied my features in a manner the most
touching—I considered this as the very crisis of her fate—her only chance on this side Heaven and scarce dared leave her for a single moment I entrusted the care of Lady Arundell whose situation though more dangerous was not so melancholy to my daughter fearful lest her youthful spirits should be injured by constantly beholding an object so affecting But I had forgot that my own shattered constitution was not equal to the fatigue and anxiety of watching over my sister I fell one evening into a succession of fainting fits the servants conveyed me to bed and the fear of alarming Lady Arundell hindered them from informing my daughter of my situation My faintings at length gave place to a drowsiness so intense I might call it a stupor—I remained thus for some hours when I started with an indistinct idea of a heavy fall and a deep groan Terror roused and collected in a moment every dormant faculty—I rushed through the chamber which divided mine from my sisters but I blamed myself for impetuosity
when I perceived all was profoundly silent in hers The two nurses were in a deep sleep and the expiring watchlights heavily winked and revived before the cold dawn of the morning I gently opened the curtains of her bed—Ah gracious Heaven what did I feel when I beheld it empty—The agonized shriek I gave rouzed both her careless attendants who impressed with but one idea flew towards a door I now first perceived to be open it led to a gallery ornamented with such portraits of our family as had survived the wreck of their fortunes among them was incautiously placed that already fatally commemorated of the Earl of Essex at the storming of Cadiz an unfortunate legacy bequeathed to Ellinor by Lady Pembroke—My soul took in at a thought all the fearful consequences—I tottered into the gallery—alas only to behold my worst apprehension verified—The fair spectre which once was Ellinor lay prostrate before the picture—one hand had convulsively gathered her disordered
garments over her thin chest the other was still expressively extended towards the inanimate image of him so beloved—Impatiently I laid my hand upon her heart—it answered not the trembling enquirer—its wandering essence was exhaled and she had ceased forever to suffer Thy parting prayer oh Essex was surely prophetic for her soul in recovering memory had burst its mortal bound and soared to Heaven
Scarce were the dear remains quietly interred ere those of the amiable Lady Arundell followed them I bore these losses with devout resignation—The tears which fall when Heaven recalls the unfortunate still the wild passions of the sad survivor and deeply wound only the soul yet new to suffering It was with a quickened apprehension I perceived the effect of these first afflictions on the tender spirits of my daughter not that I sought totally to stifle the lively impressions of natural affection—the tears of youth like the genial showers of
May serve only to save the planters toil and simply ripen the rich fruits of the mind; but when either fall too often they impoverish the soil and wash away the buds yet blowing
My own soul afforded no variety of chearful images with which I could hope to invigorate the gentle spirits of my Mary unwilling to form new connections I rather thought it prudent to change my abode and by a variety of scenes insensibly amuse her and my steward was sent accordingly to seek another mansion I called back the moment when the gloomy aisles of a ruined convent by possessing the simple advantage of novelty diverted my mind even at the sorrowful crisis which robbed me of a foster mother Alas in yet untried youth the prospect that is unknown ever adds to its own charms those of imagination while in maturer life the heart lingers on all which once delighted it hopeless of finding in the future a pleasure fancy can ever compare with those it reviews
in the past To my daughter however the whole world was yet new and in fixing on a scene habitual to my feelings I could not fail to delight hers I hired a mansion near the Thames side in Richmond to which we removed early in the spring
Perhaps in this choice I was influenced almost without knowing it by a latent motive distinct as I had lived from the world since my return to England the fame of the Prince of Wales had yet reached me—This accomplished youth had at once rose above the weaknesses of his father and the prejudices of his rank devoting his heart to the virtues his mind to the sciences and his person to those manly and becoming exercises which invigorating every human power prepared him alike for the enjoyment of peace or the pursuit of war Delighted to understand a Stuart was rising to redeem the glory of his declining race I passionately longed to see know and be valued by the royal
Henry The King unworthy a son so distinguished took no pleasure in his company but even in tender youth resigned him to a court of his own from the adulation of which merit superior to praise alone could have guarded him Henry had like myself a partiality for the beautiful village of Richmond he always passed part of the summer in a palace near the Thames and I took pleasure in thinking a partition of wood alone separated his gardens from mine With a judgment unequalled at his years the Prince knew how to be affable without abating aught of his dignity and while in the circle of his own court he preserved the authority of a Sovereign to the unfortunate who addressed him he had the benignity of a brother such was his character in Richmond where the people almost adored him and took pleasure in amplifying on the superior qualities he so eminently possessed The sweet hopes his merit sometimes infused
into my bosom came accompanied with an equal number of fears yet could not my heart forbear to cherish them
The revolving season tinged this sweet retreat with every variety of verdure the waves of the Thames were more translucent than ever all nature awakened once more to perfection when the Prince of Wales took up his abode in the adjacent palace—This news heightened the soft red of my daughters cheek and even faintly colored my wan one—Not daring to express to her the eager desire I felt to see the Prince and not accustomed to venture out without her day after day elapsed in anxious expectation My gentle Mary with a delicacy from which I drew the most happy presages now always chose to go abroad either so early or so late that it was almost impossible we should ever meet the Prince and the veil she usually wore was closed with so much care as to ensure her the happiness of being overlooked even if fortune threw him in our way
Nevertheless I took notice the arrival of the royal Henry strangely filled up the void in our lives—What he would do or what he would not do constantly regulated our motions and employed my daughters thoughts even more than my own His taste afforded us a variety of indulgencies of which he knew not we were partakers—Sometimes moonlight concerts or magnificent fireworks at others parties on the Thames where the Prince still took pleasure in beholding a variety of little vessels built and ornamented for the amusement of his early years and which were manned by children—They were often so near we fancied we heard the voice of Henry when both mother and daughter would give way to the same impulse and hastily retire The summer might have elapsed in this manner had not chance been more favorable to our wishes than we could resolve to be
We were returning home one morning in an illcontrived carriage newly invented
for airings the inconvenience of which I bore patiently from not being able to walk or ride on horseback for any length of time since my memorable fever—The servant who drove stopt as usual at the brow of the enchanting hill that we might enjoy for a few minutes its beauties when the sound of horns approaching near informed us the Prince of Wales was returning from hunting which at once startled the horses and ourselves My Mary actuated only by the impression of the moment made an eager sign to the man to drive on and the horses already frightened yielded impetuously to the slightest touch of the rein flying forward with the most dangerous rapidity The clumsiness of the carriage and the badness of the road threatened us every moment with being overturned—for me there was no escape but could my daughter be prevailed on to leap out I was sensible she would be safe Far from obeying my intreaties or even commands she threw her arms around
me and protested it was for me alone she feared The carriage sunk into a deep rut at last and we were thrown out at a small distance with a violence that almost deprived me of my senses—my darling Mary had wholly lost hers I perceived the train of Henry approaching but the favorite wish of seeing him was forgotten in that of recovering her—I was presently environed by the hunters without regarding them till their extreme sollicitude obliged me to raise my eyes from the lifeless face of my daughter in acknowledgment I perceived with a surprize even that moment could not conquer that on either hand stood a young man adorned with the order of the garter and so distinguishingly handsome that I knew not which was the Prince of Wales but turned from the one to the other with an air of wildness and stupor—My looks however made little impression on the strangers their whole attention being fixed on the inanimate form of my daughter
—In truth fortune had contrived to shew her to the utmost advantage I had thrown up her veil to give her air and bared her beautiful hands and arms polished and white as Parian marble the wild rings of her auburn hair played on her youthful face as the yellow leaves of Autumn curl over a later peach whilst every feature formed with a truth which might bear the nicest examination perhaps only appeared more exquisitely regular from the absence of expression and even her figure and attitude leaning on her mothers knees presented a perfect model for a sculptor The assiduities of the strangers together with my own at length recalled her scattered senses—She opened those eyes so dear to me and fixing them on the two strangers a rosy suffusion alone proved she saw them with such quickness did she turn toward her mother when beholding me to appearance unhurt she listed her soul to Heaven in a look of gratitude and throwing her arms round
my neck relieved her overcharged heart by weeping on my bosom An angel in soul as well as form exclaimed one of the strangers assure me madam continued he that this terror is the only ill consequence of my sudden approach or I know not how I shall forgive it to myself This address ascertaining the Prince of Wales he became the sole object of my attention—Ah where shall I find words to endear to you Madam the royal youth my heart at once opened to adopt Henry was yet but in the dawn of manhood nevertheless his height was majestic and his figure finished The beauty of his features was their least charm—virtue herself seemed to sublime every happy lineament and spare beholders the trouble of developing his character by conveying it in a glance His manly voice united the firmness of his own sex with the sensibility of ours A confusion of sad remembrances were at once presented with him to my mind and the admiration he excited
was strangely blended with regret—I forgot that he had addressed me and continued to contemplate him in silence ever and anon turning my streaming eyes wildly from him to Heaven even then my dilating heart bids me add scarce changing the object The amiable Henry in whose nature sympathy was the prevailing sentiment touched with a conduct so mysterious almost forgot my daughter in turn so wholly was he engrossed by me—Informed of my unfortunate lameness by my attempting to rise he immediately concluded it to be the consequence of the recent accident and scarce was satisfied by my assurances of the contrary Oh as my eyes surveyed the superior soul living irradiated in the bright orbs of his how did they stream at remembering that had his father been born to half his virtues I might now have been cherished by affection—dignified by rank—unwidowed—unbroken—a stranger yet to sorrow—My mother too—Most unhappy of parents as well as sovereigns I had a
tear for thee at this interesting moment
The respect due to strangers induced the Prince to conceal the curiosity my conduct could not fail to excite but having informed himself from the attendants of my title he addressed me by it and insisted on conducting me home I now understood the nobleman who had divided my first looks with the Prince to be the Viscount Rochester that contemptible favorite of the King celebrated only for his beauty—The visible coldness of my air checked a forward insolence I observed in him and obliged him to quit us on our arriving at home
With what secret transport did my soul welcome a Stuart worthy that name glorious for so many ages—The Prince seemed delighted with his new acquaintances—The soft reserve of my daughters air—the deepening roses of her cheek and the low accent of her harmonious voice when politeness obliged her to answer the Prince whose animated eyes reduced hers often to seek the
ground presented to my elated heart every symptom of that passion which alone endears the sufferings it occasions A flow of happy spirits new to my daughter almost forgotten by myself gave chearfulness to the hour which Henry saw elapse with regret
On this chance introduction was grounded an acquaintance a few days ripened into intimacy—Led to distinguish the Prince alike by his own merit and the ties of blood which secretly allied me to him it was with the tenderest satisfaction I beheld him cherish the inclination he had already conceived for my daughter yet the dignity of his mind forbidding him to form an engagement he knew not how to fulfill it was through me alone he addressed himself to her Convinced it was in my power to prove her entitled even to such a lover I suffered fate to take its course attending only to prudences
Conscious that Henry had hitherto moved in a very confined circle I was aware to extend it must draw much observation
on those he favored To guard therefore against the malice of surmise I fixed on the hour of the Princes visit for my daughter to ride out and always received him alone His attendants who saw her regularly depart were at a loss to imagine what could attach their royal master to the infirm widow of Lord Leicester The charm was in truth simply affection—The amiable Henry had early been accustomed to every kind of homage but that of the heart and had too much sensibility not to feel the want he knew not how to supply Deeply susceptible of the true regard I had conceived for him impressed at once by my mind my manners and my mien with the idea of mystery and the desire of obtaining my confidence it was only by his own candor he sought to gain upon mine Slowly and by degrees he deigned to repose with me those regrets and anxieties from which the utmost indulgence of nature and fortune cannot exempt a single individual He often lamented the dangerous distinction of being the firstborn
born of his fathers children since it cost him every other—Separated almost in infancy from his parents—surrounded with mercenary sycophants who sought to make their court to the reigning King by a partial representation or misconstruction of his actions he had shot up unloved uncherished and seen those tender affections he was born to share gradually center in that son from whom his parents had nothing to fear—Nor were wanting insidious flatterers equally ready to undermine his filial duty by pointing out the weaknesses of his father even where they were most likely to wound him He had punished himself he added for yielding to these impressions by an absolute obedience to his authority but it was with grief he remembered that was now the only tye between them—Nor would I wonder he continued it should be so if I considered that born as he was to imperial power with an ardent passion for glory he had hitherto been shut up in the narrow sphere of his own court languishing away the
flower of his youth without a choice a friend or a pursuit—Till the infamous Carr should deign to decide what foreign Princes bribe he would condescend to accept and to what bigoted Papist he should sacrifice the son of his master
While the admired Prince of Wales the idol of the People the heir of Empire the endued of Heaven thus confided to me the simple and rational griefs which clouded a fortune so brilliant could I fail to meditate on the equality of providence—Which graciously allots even to the lowest situation some portion of happiness and depresses the highest with the sad sense of misfortune
It is the fatal peculiarity of youth to throw the strongest light on every secret grief and waste away under an oppression imagination often doubles To cure this propensity is therefore the province of experience I sought to imbue the Princes mind with the only principle mine had derived from all my sufferings—That the noblest use we can make of
understanding is to convert it into happiness and every talent which does not conduce to that great end ought rather to be considered as a burthen than a blessing to the possessor—That the mind like the eye ever magnifies the object of fear or aversion which often on a strict examination excites no other sentiment than contempt—Infine that he was not at liberty to shew any other sense of his fathers errors than by presenting a faultless example in his own life and that if he would have it without blemish he must divert his taste from channels where it would meet with opposition and turn it into those through which it might flow freely—That the cultivation of the sciences would at once fill up that void in his life ever so painful at his years and attach to his welfare all who loved them a body whose influence was never known unless opposition called forth the powers of eloquence
The Prince had too much judgment not to see the utility of this council and too much generosity not to value its candour nevertheless it was a language yet new to his ears—Ingenuity had been exhausted to teach him to govern others but to subdue himself was a lesson none had ventured to inculcate How did I lament a soul so ductile had in childhood been injudiciously delivered up to its own guidance and suffered every day to imbibe some new prejudice destined perhaps to mark the character through life and which an upright and skilful monitor might so easily have eradicated
The Prince could not be insensible to the maternal caution which induced me to send my daughter abroad whenever he honored me with a visit yet the observation did not for some time appear to influence his conduct—Satisfied with merely beholding her as he entered or departed the desire of opening his heart to me seemed to supercede every other impression
Nevertheless long reveries would follow the most accidental meeting and long pauses intervene in the most interesting conversation rendering it sufficiently obvious that his mind labored with some project hitherto suppressed either by pride or prudence
Perhaps I should ever have wanted courage to open my lips on so delicate an occasion had not my daughter complained to me that she was now become the universal object of attention and that the suite who attended her were often rudely surrounded and sometimes interrogated by such of the Princes court as had not benefited by his example—By going abroad unexpectedly with her I found she was not offended without reason and sensible of my imprudence in thus risquing her safety I came to the resolution rather to abridge myself of the pleasure of the Princes society than purchase it by endangering my daughter—I desired her to retire for awhile when Henry should visit
me next and ere he could account for the singularity of finding her at home entered into the delicate explanation With an acknowledged attachment to him that I bore my child alone could have overruled I submitted it to himself whether I could too cautiously guard against a censure or insult she had no natural protector to resent—The generous Henry paused for a few moments with irresolution when suddenly collecting courage he broke silence—Will Lady Leicester pardon said he those obtrusive visits she has submitted to with so much complacency —Will she deign to become the confidant of the only incident in my life I have hid from her—will she listen with indulgence—He paused a moment but ere I could resolve how to answer pursued the discourse—Accustomed even from childhood to the ensnaring glances of the light and the lovely—led to imagine myself older than my years by the continual proposals for marrying me that
have constantly succeeded each other it is not wonderful that a heart naturally susceptible should mature before its time Among the many beautiful girls who have already sought to attract me I soon distinguished one by whom my peace my honour my innocence became endangered perhaps they had been lost had I not found her selfish and ambitious I need hardly inform you that this seducing fair one is the Countess of Essex—Vain of her influence over me she took pleasure in publishing it and taught me early to blush for my choice but I could not resolve to do so continually I formed the bold resolution of contending with my own heart and retired hither to recover it or die Lady Essex enraged and humbled at this conduct confirmed me in it by attaching herself to Viscount Rochester thus rendering it sufficiently obvious she had never loved me—Besotted with her beauty that weak favourite is governed by her caprices and him I was born to obey yields to those of Rochester Although
I do not immediately perceive how Lady Essex means to effect her revenge I am convinced it is only maturing and daily expect a blow from which I know not how to guard myself Under these circumstances how can I venture to involve your fate with mine —How can I ask you to permit me to offer to your lovely daughter the heart which ever hovers near her —Speak Madam—my happiness is in your hands—dare you risque your own to promote it While I listened to this sensible this frank declaration of the Princes error and his attachment my fond heart found its first with accomplished and adopted at once the royal youth solemnly vowing to share without repining every evil that might follow an alliance so dear nor did I fail secretly to exult in my Marys hereditary right even to this distinction
To cement the confidence between us and convince the Prince his present choice was judicious I resolved to confide to him the secret so long so painfully preserved
and related my whole history As I retraced its affecting incidents I knew them to be so only by his eager his generous sympathy so wholly was my own soul engrossed by the happy prospect he had opened before it
The Prince of Wales acknowledged with joy the relationship I claimed to confirm all I had advanced I presented to him the longsaved testimonials which he perused with silent reverence then fixing his eyes still impressed with that elevated sentiment on mine he gave utterance to the dictates of his heart— Who could suppose exclaimed he a fortitude so unexampled could possibly be combined with a frame delicate even to fragility—May the misfortunes you have indelibly impressed on my memory my more than mother be the last of your life—May that being who directed my soul to cherish the admiration and esteem inspired by your lovely daughter and matchless self suffer the youth before you to supply to your heart all it ought to have inherited—all it unhappily has
lost Dear will be the moment when to the form of your angel mother my authority shall add the name and that moment will hereafter oh most honoured of women infallibly be mine
While I listened to predictions so flattering I almost believed them accomplished In thy unblown youth •h •oyal Henry was comprized every promise that could dilate or fill the heart mine centred at once in thee and my daughter finding in the mere hope of so glorious a union a total suspension from suffering and sorrow
I had now no reserves with the Prince and leading in my blushing Mary presented her to her royal Cousin who gracefully offered up his unblemished soul on the hand he bowed over So pure a transport took possession of mine as obliterated every other impression I snatched the united hands so dear so beloved and pressing them to my bosom sickened with very extasy and withdrew to recover myself—Wandering alone by
the side of the Thames I raised my full eyes to heaven and called the happy spirits of my mother sister and Lord Leicester to sympathize with me in an event which promised to end the persecutions of my family by thus blessedly uniting the last sprung branches of it A serenity of the sublimest nature succeeded the sweet trouble of my spirits and enabled me to rejoin the youthful lovers with the dignity due to my own character
The situation in which we stood endeared us still more to the Prince by perpetually reminding him how intimately our welfare was connected with his own Every hour seemed to unite us more and more to each other Henry spoke to me with the freedom of a son conjuring me not to take any step that might create the least suspicion of my birth or the secret tye formed between us till he had well weighed every consequence that might ensue and to elude the watchful spies with whom we were alike surrounded he proposed passing in the evening through his garden to ours if I would deign for
awhile to allow him thus to reach the saloon Our situation was too delicate not to require the strictest caution yet as I could discover no mode of receiving the Prince which was not equally questionable and more dangerous I consented to that he proposed as well as that he should render one of his gentlemen Sir David Murray a confidante of this intimacy though not of its nature or extent
An incident so important engrossing my every thought my heart returned once more eagerly into the world It had now an interest in fully understanding the real characters of the King the Queen Viscount Rochester and every individual likely or intitled to interfere at this interesting crisis—I examined considered weighed every thing I soon discovered the whole Royal Family were at variance That the imperious Queen unable to wrest her husband from his favourites or her son from his duties scorned the first and neglected the latter confining herself wholly to a
court formed of her own creatures who assisted her to spoil her younger son whom she had almost estranged from his brother Her beautiful daughter who united in her own person the graces of Mary with the spirit of Elizabeth alone allured to the court of the Queen the few persons of merit it afforded Henry was often lavish in the praises of his sister and as she was the only relation he ever voluntarily spoke of I naturally concluded she was the only one entitled by superior qualities to that distinction King James who had mounted the throne under happier auspices than almost any preceding sovereign of England had already lived long enough to lose the affections of his people By turns a pedant and a buffoon his solemnity was even more disgusting than his levity Governed by a predilection of the most absurd and singular nature to a beautiful favourite he always delivered up the reins of empire readily submitting to a shameful subjection in all important points provided he might enjoy a ridiculous supermacy
in his hours of indulgence and retirement From such a weak and inconsistent King and his profligate Ministers the wise the scientific and the good had gradually retreated and in neglect and silence contemplated from far the growth of that exemplary Prince who promised to retrieve the fame of his ancestors and the glory of the kingdom he was born to reign over A youth of eighteen capable of uniting the unblemished virtues of that age with the discernment of a maturer one was a phaenomenon and of course either adored or detested—While the body of the kingdom regarded him only with the first sentiment the worthless favorites of his father were actuated solely by the latter
To marry and escape the plans of Rochester was the interest of Henry and to marry without his fathers knowledge his unwilling choice—Yet highly sensible of the slavery imposed by his rank he had resisted every temptation from beauties of an inferior one—but when apprized of my story he saw or fancied he
saw in my daughter a wife alloted him by heaven—one to whom no just objection could possibly be made one born to give happiness to his heart and honor to his name Nor could he doubt even if his father shut his eyes against the truth but that he should be able to convince the people of my birth when the publication of the marriage should give my story the whole weight of his credence
Success in his judgment depended solely on the concealment of the purposed union till it could be accomplished for if the intention transpired ere the event he was satisfied the most desperate efforts would be made to wrest us from him Yet as at this very period a publick treaty was negociating with a foreign Prince he could not form a tye of such importance without giving his father just cause of offence the nation at large a contempt for his character and the distant Sovereign thus insulted a mortal disgust We therefore agreed to wait till this Ministerial project like many others should disappoint itself and seize that moment to
celebrate and publish a marriage which was to end all our fears and complete all our hopes
During this interval I observed with pain that the extreme timidity of my daughters character prevailed over the enthusiasm incident to her years and damped with vague apprehensions those moments love and hope might have made so happy I saw this little feminine weakness with extreme uneasiness The Prince of Wales was distinguished by a manly firmness which ever wisely weighed the approaching trial then calmly dared it For a soul so noble I desired to find a faultless bride and looking fearfully into the future I sometimes thought my Marys timid heart would one day throb without cause against that of a sovereign oppressed with innumerable cares he perhaps sought to lose the remembrance of in her society Nevertheless I did not perceive my tender admonitions on this subject had any other consequence than that of inducing my daughter to bury in her bosom those sentiments and emotions
I had so many years delighted to participate
It was now autumn—The time of the Kings periodical progresses—The Prince could not avoid following his father but he lingered in his duty and having staid a day too long with us hastened to overtake the King whom he was to feast at Woodstock He wrote to me from thence complaining of fatigue and lassitude but with his usual attention informed me he was in treaty for Kenilworth Castle where he flattered himself I should again see golden days like those I still remembered with so much pleasure
Alas those he had irradiated were quickly hastening to a period At the first visit he paid me on his return my soul was struck with a very apparent alteration in his person which was grown thin and wan beyond conception considering the shortness of the time Not all the joy he expressed a our meeting could satisfy me he was either well or happy but observing he evaded my question and fearful of alarming
him without reason I strove to suppress that maternal anxiety all his assurances of health and chearfulness could not dispel I perceived my daughter was impressed with the same idea for though she spoke not it was visible to me she wept greatly when alone
The evenings were now too short and damp for me to allow the evening visits of the Prince and I rather chose to risque every danger by receiving him openly than subject him to any by an illjudged caution—Alas these cares were vain—The rapid decay of the Royal Henrys health became visible even to indifferent spectators An affecting languor was the only expression of those fine eyes once so full of fire and the youthful cheeks every following day should have tinged with a deeper bloom grew more and more wan and hollow—He could no longer conceal his illness Alas it pierced me to the soul I was miserable at remembering a charge so precious as his welfare should be committed to servants of whatever denomination
—No mother—no sister—duties indispensable in every other rank of life were it seems incompatible with royalty Oh Henry—dear amiable youth even yet am I tempted to accuse myself for not having better deserved the tender appellation thy filial reverence so often bestowed on me by daring every thing for thy sake Slaves to imperious custom our actions are too often regulated by that idle multitude whose most lavish applauses would but ill console us for one single reproach from that unerring monitor our own conscience
Either not convinced this secret malady was undermining his constitution or indifferent to the event the Prince still continued in the pursuit of his usual athletic exercises and habits till his strength was wholly unequal to them I once more persuaded him to call in medical assistance and he promised to attend to himself as soon as his sister and the elector should depart—Obliged to appear at the celebration of their marriage in London he came to pay us a parting visit
Impressed perhaps with the idea it would be the last he threw himself into my arms and shed there the first tears I had ever seen fall from his eyes—Mine readily overflowed—a grief too deep for utterance pressed upon my soul and Henry recovered ere I could His heart missed my daughter who was gone abroad—He sighed sunk into a little reverie and breaking it with a faint smile said he ought rather to congratulate himself on her absence He sighed again and after another pause resumed his discourse in a low and broken voice— Mourn not thus my mother for I will still give you a title you may justly claim from her who bore me since who ever loved me as you have done I have youth in my favor and this oppressive malady may not be mortal for your sake alone do I wish it to be otherwise believe me—Already weary disgusted with this world I could retreat from it almost without a pang did I not know my loss would be to you an irremediable calamity Yet who shall judge of the dispensations
of the Almighty—I might fulfil all your wishes without seeing you happy—I might obtain all my own without ceasing to be wretched Recall this often to your memory whatever follows our parting and remember your name will be ever on these lips while they have power to utter a sound—For the adored of my soul—but she is surely become a part of it and if not permitted to possess her in this world I will expect her in a better—Perceiving his dim eye was fixed on a picture of my daughter which hung at my bosom I presented it to him—And do you too beloved Henry returned I in a broken voice remember the mother who gives you this would have comprized in the original every grace every virtue to be found through human nature and having done so would still have thought her honored in your choice—Ah royal youth resign not a heart so noble to vapourish depression—Your life your happiness are not your own merely—a nation are born to pray for the former to crown you with
the latter—For myself—upon the sweet hope of matching my daughter with you of sharing the soft transports of mutual virtue and affection I have learnt to live but surely I could never survive its extinction—My full soul allowed not of another syllable The Prince fixed his suffused eyes on mine with a mysterious melancholy almost amounting to despair and touching with his lips those hands his trembling ones still grasped rushed precipitately into the court yard The sound of his voice drew me towards the window—the graceful youth made me a last obeisance and galloped away while my partial eye pursued him till beyond its reach and even then my ear seemed to distinguish the feet of his horse
With his usual kind consideration Henry wrote to me the next day that he found himself better and in the pleasure of seeing his sister happy felt reconciled to the impolitick match made for her—He even assisted at the various festivals with which the nuptials of the royal Eli•abeth were honored but scarce were
they over when his health and spirits failed at once and the faculty were called in to his aid A malady which had been so long engrafting itself on his constitution left but little hope of his life—I had ceased to entertain any yet far from supporting the idea of losing him with fortitude my soul mourned as if it then had first known sorrow Not daring to give free vent to my apprehensions in the presence of my daughter I strove with cold and watery smiles to flatter those hopes in her heart my own had long rejected and saw with vain regret the deep excesses of a sensibility I had laboured to excite and strengthen
What days what nights of sadness and suspense were ours while the unfortunate Henry was languishing away every vital power ere yet they had reached maturity—Frequently delirious our names escaped unconsciously from those lips which at his lucid intervals uttered only sighs and groans Murray his beloved attendant gave us constant information of the progress of his fever nor did the
amiable Henry fail at intervals to charge him with tender remembrances Sir David at length acquainted me that the impassioned delirium of the Prince pointing ever towards us the King had been apprized of it—that he had minutely questioned his sons most favored attendants and among them himself on the origin progress and strength of an attachment thus suddenly and strangely brought to light deeply ruminating on all he heard I could not feel acquitted to myself madam concluded the faithful Murray were I to conceal this nor dare I add a surmise on so delicate an occasion
Ah of what importance to us are all the late enquiries the vague conjectures of James cried I folding my daughter to my bosom if heaven deprives us of his inestimable son neither his love or his hatred can greatly affect us—Beloved Mary—dear inheritor of misfortune—widowed ere yet thou art a wife a long obscurity a solitary youth is all thy portion—a sorrow which can never end thy
Mothers—But why should I hesitate to avow myself —Wherefore should I not publish claims which even tyranny can not cancel but perhaps it will not dispute The timid abject spirit of James knows not how to contend with one firm in virtue—immutable in truth—Ah had I done so long since I might at this moment dear Henry have hovered near thy couch and softened the anguish no mortal can prevent—Perhaps the King already surmises the fact—let him demand it
Sir David Murrays next letter breathed the very spirit of despair—Prepare yourself madam said he for the worst perhaps ere this reaches you England will have lost its dearest hope the royal Henrys friends their only one The most desperate efforts of art have failed and exhausted reason often now revisits with a languid ray the noble heart she is so soon to quit forever The Prince has just ordered me to commit to the flames every letter and paper in which
your name is mentioned—a sure proof that he has given himself up—Alas he knows not how often names so dear have escaped him he has called for you madam and your angelic daughter almost the whole night but frequently recollecting himself has waved his feeble hand and sighed out no—no—no—
Three hours after another express arrived—Pardon madam the haste and incoherency of scrawls penned at so trying a moment—Alas the most sanguine of us has now ceased to hope—Our royal masters speech entirely fails him—his last effort was hastily and repeatedly to call me—I flew to his bedside but though my every sense seemed to resolve into ear I found it impossible to understand him—either I widely erred or he named France perhaps I commit a second error in supposing he referred to you madam but I voluntarily risque every thing to fulfil the parting wish of a master so adored The King the physicians all have taken a long leave of
the almost beatified Prince and there is nothing left for those who love him best to wish but that his pure spirit may pass away in peace
The agony and stupor this affecting billet occasioned were hardly abated when another arrived—It is all over madam concluded the worthy Murray raise your streaming eyes to heaven it is there alone you can now look for the incomparable Prince of Wales—Fatigue and anguish disable me from saying more
It was not till the awful moment which restored the unsullied soul of Henry to its omniscient Creator that I had dared to breathe a wish of which he was not the object or allowed my thoughts to pass beyond himself—That exquisite sensibility which lives through all dear to us had made me severely suffer with him and consequently pray for that release which alone seemed likely to give him ease nor did I recollect till he was gone forever the void his loss would leave in
my hopes—The tremendous calm by which death is ever followed now took its turn—Bereft of a support on which I had long unconsciously rested I sunk into a desolation which made me almost wish to follow the lamented Prince—It is at these intervals madam we become most truly sensible of all the imperfections of our nature—How often had I flattered my own erring heart with the vain belief it had acquired strength purity and virtue from its various trials alas what but pride vanity and ambition still throbbed unalterably there time had only altered the object not the passion and centred them all in my daughter
We shut ourselves entirely up and deeply joined in the general mourning The sad pleasure of knowing him we bewailed universally lamented was yet ours I perused I appropriated with a mothers fondness the lavish eulogies all sects all parties all poets graced the memory of the Prince with—it was the only
mitigation my grief could know—A considerable time had elapsed without our hearing any thing from Murray in confirmation of his conjecture concerning Henrys last wish and the imperfect accents which lingered on his dying lips—But though I could not resolve to become a guiltless fugitive even in compliance with Prince Henrys will I had had no other motive for remaining in England than to shew I was not driven out of it I now determined to quit a country which had been the grave of a hope so dear and found my daughter entirely of my mind In gratitude for the unwearied attention of Sir David Murray I informed him of my intention to retire into Flanders not doubting but that the Hollanders would afford an honorable asylum to the widow and orphan of Lord Leicester—I besought him to accept a ring of considerable value in token of my deep sense of the generous attachment he had shewn alike to myself and that incomparable Prince whose loss was ever present to my mind and requested
as a last proof of his regard the restoration of that picture of my daughter I had given the royal Henry at our memorable parting
The answer of Murray strangely startled and alarmed me—Your intention of quitting England madam said he relieves my mind from extreme anxiety—time and circumstances have united to convince me I did not misunderstand the last imperfect accents of my muchloved master—Lose not a moment in hastening to the asylum you have fixed on—The picture madam is I fear irretrievably gone—I cannot by either bribes or intreaties procure any tidings of it—power alas I now have not—If ever it comes to my hands rely on its being restored by him who will ever devoutly pray for your happiness
This inexplicable letter roused every dormant faculty—Wherefore should my retiring abroad relieve the mind of a person unconnected with me from extreme anxiety—Why should he urge thus my departure As it was rather
pride than prudence which induced me to seek a country where I might fearlessly assert my every right that project was now rejected from the very motive which first dictated it—A mystery my nature ever disdained Resolved to comprehend all the motives on which Murray wished me to act I ordered every thing to be replaced and sat down once more quietly at home resolved to brave the storm if indeed there was any gathering rather than ascertain my safety by a disgraceful flight I once more wrote to Sir David acquainting him with my present conduct and its reasons insisting on being fully informed of those which actuated him to offer me advice so singular and mysterious—How insinitely was my impatience curiosity and disdain heightened by his answer—I hear with admiration madam a determination which from a perfect knowledge of your character I ought perhaps to have foreseen nevertheless my sentiments are not altered nor less urged durst I divulge the
reasons on which they are grounded but decorum and delicacy give way to your commands and the occasion Nevertheless I find it impossible to commit them to paper—Dare you give me admission at midnight—I shall be near your gate upon the chance but be wary in the choice of my conductor as perhaps my life nay even your own depends upon its being supposed you never had any private correspondence or communication with me
How did my nature take fire at this incomprehensible letter—Me to stoop to secresy—to be exposed to shame—The unknown danger with which he represented me to be environed appeared wholly indifferent so exquisitely sensible was my soul of the imputation of dishonor—At times I resolved to shut out Murray and leave the brooding mischief to disclose itself by its effects but love for my daughter controling the strong spirit of indignation inseparable from innocence I yielded to the sugges
tions of prudence and prepared to admit him—Inured to every other species of suffering I knew not how to blush before any human being
My perplexed and agitated mind passed through the infinitude of possibilities without fixing upon one—At times I imagined all the caution of the royal Henry had been insufficient and that the King by means of some lost or secreted letter had been fully apprized of his sons attachment to us and the hopes that were grounded upon it though even then I knew not why my life should be in the question still less could I imagine it endangered had his discoveries reached farther and traced out the long buried secret of my birth Involved in busy vague and alarming conjectures I hardly knew how to wait with any patience for the singular hour appointed to ascertain them
Sensible by the deep effect this took on my own mind that it must dreadfully shock my daughters and still flattering
myself that this indistinct danger might be the creation of a desponding temper in Henrys favorite I resolved to wait the event of my midnight interview with him ere I confided more to my Mary than she must already have learnt from the change in my resolution respecting quitting England—But as to see her was to explain all for how could I hope to veil emotions which burnt indignantly on my cheek I sent her word I was seized with a violent headach which I would endeavour to remedy by sleep and accompanied this message with a new book she had an eager desire to see and which I sincerely prayed might wholly occupy her attention at this interesting crisis
Oh world how false how erroneous are the feelings we imbibe from thee—Nature ordained shame the companion of guilt but overbearing custom has broke that tye and oftener bids her follow virtue Scarce could I resolve to know my imputed crime or look with complacency on the amiable man who
had ventured to suggest the unsoreseen dangers—It was the utmost effort of my reason to govern this unworthy impulse
The estimable Murray was sensible of an equal constraint and by the generous confusion with which he appeared before me restored my mind to its dignity and composure His mourning and the tears which followed the name of his lost royal master drew forth mine and at once blended our feelings Sir David with infinite delicacy and address entered into the Prince of Waless singular illness as well as the various opinions his death had given rise to—but how did my soul freeze with horror to learn that there were many and among them some of his Physicians who believed him poisoned The killing grief such a suspicion must at a more tranquil moment have caused vanished however at once before the confused and rapid sensations his following discourse occasioned—Oh let me pause here a moment to adore the
indulgence of the Almighty which alone could have enabled my intellects to support so terrible a shock as the report that it was from my hands he received the deadly present—I looked at Murray awhile in speechless astonishment—Grief anger shame and horror divided and tore me in pieces—I scarce heard his prayers and adjurations but pushing him from my feet shut up every indignant sense in my swelling heart and only hoped it might burst with the deep convulsion
A considerable time elapsed ere I was enough recovered to enquire into the origin of so black and malicious a calumny I then conjured him to inform me who was supposed to be its diabolical author—To this he answered that when the equivocal decision of the faculty respecting the cause of the Princes death first reached the Queen the vehemence of her grief as well as that of her temper made her instantly join with those who pronounced him poisoned—The doubt was no sooner published than
it became general every domestic of the Princes houshold had been by turns the object of suspicion to his fellows and some of them had been weak enough to ascertain their safety by quitting the kingdom The rumour was by this means corroborated and strengthened but as nothing transpired that could authorize a judicial enquiry the King became satisfied the melancholy catastrophe of his youthful heir had been in the common course of nature when all at once by some incomprehensible means the vague suspicions of the multitude which were far from extinguished though wholly unfixed revived with added force and centred in me That it was now generally believed the Prince of Wales in the last visit he paid me had tasted some dry preserves a little refreshment of which he was extremely fond though fortunately the distraction of my mind at that period had prevented me from offering him any which most likely were poisoned as his last illness rapidly increased immediately after—It was soon
published that I had been the constant object of his delirious reveries and every vague or mysterious expression which had escaped him at those intervals had been remembered traced and applied with diabolical ingenuity The singular precaution of his seeing his own papers burnt served only to persuade the prejudiced multitude that the unfortunate Prince was unwilling to stigmatize her who had destroyed him By such plausible and base suggestions the eyes of an inflamed and affected nation had been led towards the solitary dwelling where unconscious of danger I remained buried in a grief the most charitable imputed only to remorse There wanted but little to incite the people to anticipate the stroke of justice by tearing me to pieces when the King confirmed the general suspicion by a renewed and more minute enquiry into the nature of his sons visits to me their continuance and design and no person being able to satisfy his curiosity he dropt harsh and ambiguous expressions that several of his favorites had since
urged the propriety of bringing me to a public trial a measure which had the whole weight of the Queens interest Alarmed and uncertain how to proceed Sir David had learned at this very juncture my intention of retiring into Holland and by supposing me preacquainted with the slanders of the publick had unwarily reduced himself to the painful necessity of repeating them— He concluded with hinting the prudence of abiding by my former design of immediately quitting England as in instances where the prejudices of a nation infected even those individuals entrusted with the execution of its laws innocence itself was scarce a protection byased judges might easily mistake presumptions for proofs nor have candour enough to vindicate the honor which had thus been questioned
While Sir David yet spoke a new world displayed itself before me—Ah how unlike the paradise pictured by my guiltless mind—Those countenances in
which I yesterday saw only the living image of their Creator now glared upon me like so many fiends—A horrible gulph seemed to open beneath my feet into which a thousand hands sought at once to precipitate me and my timid soul retreated in vain from the danger—To live undistinguished—to die unknown were mortifications sufficiently grievous— But the bare idea of being arraigned— dragged as a prejudged criminal before a partial judge had something in it so tremendous as made every other evil appear ease My blood flowed impetuously through my frame and my bewildered judgment wanted strength to govern the torrent—A malice so bold profound and diabolical could have only one author but where to look for that one I knew not nor could I recollect a human being I had injured or a villain I had provoked—Like a wretch awakened by assassins in the darkness of midnight I knew not but the hand raised to ward the blow might bleed on the
presented dagger In this terrible conjuncture I had only virtue to befriend me though alas virtue herself halfwithers before the blighting breath of calumny While Sir David enforced the arguments he had already urged to induce me to quit the kingdom my soul by one of those violent exertions great occasions will sometimes produce recovered all her powers—Indignation subsided at once into fortitude and anger into heroism—You have hitherto only seen me Sir David said I —it is now alone you can know me—shuddering with horror at the imputations you have explained I yet dare not retreat unless I can confute them—no not even condemnation could induce me to fly and leave my honor behind me—What shall I blight the opening virtues of my child by exposing her with myself to unmerited censure The pride the pleasure of unsullied virtue was all fortune permitted me to retain of the wealth and honors which once glittered before
my youthful eyes—nor did I undervalue the most dear and facred of all possessions —alas even that is now ravished from me and one way alone can it be retrieved—Desperate as the effort seems it must be ventured—yes—I will see the King whatever it costs me surely the sainted spirit of the Royal Henry would appear to vindicate my innocence heavens that I should live to know it questioned were every other means to prove insuffcient—I will trouble you no farther respected Murray unless you will deign to convey a letter to Lord Rochester requesting a private audience of the King
An idea so singular had transferred the astonishment Murray had at first excited in me to his own mind that my intellects were touched then seemed to him very probable but perceiving that I was mistress both of my senses and temper he presumed not to contend with a spirit injury had nerved and struck with the silent dignity I assumed began to believe
I had indeed something important to disclose though quite at a loss respecting its nature I wrote to Lord Rochester now newly created Earl of Somerset according to the idea I had formed and Murray having engaged that the letter should be delivered early in the morning departed with the same caution with which he had entered leaving me alone—Alone did I say—Ah gracious heaven never was I less so—The shades of all I had ever loved seemed to gather round me on this interesting occasion and volumes of obscure ideas rushed impetuously through my brain—I had unexpectedly reached the very point of my sate—That important moment so often delayed so eternally dreaded was at length arrived and the long treasured secret on the verge of being published—For myself I had long ceased to fear—The fraternal acknowledgment of the King could now add nothing to my happiness since alas that incomparable youth was gone for whose sake
alone I desired it nor could his rejection greatly embitter a fate which had left me so little to hope—But oh when I remembered his single breath might blight the tender blossom I had exhausted my very being to rear—precipitate my youthful Mary ere yet her virtues were known into an obscure and dishonorable grave where where could I gather strength to cope with this idea
I employed the remainder of the night in collecting and arranging such plausible reasons as should amuse my daughters mind till the event was known thus sparing her all the pangs of suspense— I gathered together likewise every paper and proof which could authenticate the rights I was compelled to avow and on perusing them once more found such reason to be assured not only of safety but distinction that a sacred calm succeeded to all the transports of grief and indignation with which I had of late been agitated
By a feigned invitation from a neighbouring lady who permitted me to render her house my convenience I sent my daughter abroad for the day and scarce had done so ere an express arrived to acquaint me the Earl of Somerset would wait on me in the afternoon
What were my proud emotions when the upstart Somerset littered my court with a princely retinue—Alas the only Prince who had ever entered it with a noble consciousness despised such idle parade By oppressive offers of service the Earl made me sensible of his importance and sought by unbounded adulation to gain upon my heart and dive into its intentions but it was not by such a medium I sought distinction I politely avoided referring either to the slander or the purport of the requested audience and only thanked him for having obtained me the ear of the King half blushing to have gained it by so contemptible an intercessor I perceived chagrin curiosity and disappointment strongly expressed in his really fine features but I
could not prevail on myself to confide aught to the man Prince Henry had despised The Earl took his leave with the same profound deference and assurances of service with which he entered having appointed the next morning for presenting me to the King
As the privacy of the promised audience enabled me to dispense with form I made no addition to my servants nor any other alteration in the weeds I usually wore than that of forming them to the model of my mothers dress which ever rendered the likeness I bore her from my very birth striking and obvious A thousand halfforgotten occurrences pressed upon my agitated soul as I past through each wellknown apartment till all were lost in the present by my reaching the closet of the King The assiduous Somerset drest as elegantly as though he had meant to charm me advanced on my being announced and politely offered me his hand—a sudden chill came over me—I trembled —lingered—drooped —but
resolved to conquer myself or perish I sook off the scalding tear which hung upon my cheek and accepted the favorites introduction—The superior air with which I affected to enter was not necessary towards confusing the King who always awkward and perplexed seemed more than usually so and doubtful whether he should not fly the moment he saw me or at least call back Somerset who had instantly retired—Bending my knee in compliance with custom I instantly rose and retaining the hand he had presented to me fixed my eyes strongly animated by the occasion on his evervarying countenance Your Majesty said I doubtless expects to find in me a weak suppliant soliciting protection or suing for your pity but on terms like these I had never bent before you—I come to claim a dear and sacred title hitherto unknown but never annihilated Does your heart oh Royal James added I melting into tears recognize nothing congenial to it in these features this voice the timorous
hand which grasps yours for the first time in fraternal alliance—Oh sainted Mary dear author of my being look down from heaven and touch the heart of your son in favor of the desolate sister who now stands before him The King started receded gave manifest tokens of doubt and displeasure and sought to draw away the hand I obstinately retained—I kissed I bathed it with impassioned tears Shake me not off reject me not unknown resumed I in the deep tone of stifled anguish—It is neither pride vanity or ambition which induces me now to publish a secret so long buried in my bosom By the ashes of our anointed mother I conjure you to hear—nay even to believe me—Born in obscurity—reared in solitude the early victim of misfortune long suffering had reconciled my weary soul to every evil but disgrace against that she still proudly revolts— The same blood which flows through your veins burns in tumults along
mine at the very thought of aught unworthy—it urges me to assert my innocence by indubitable proofs—it will be acquitted before men as well as angels—nor does the claim thus avowed rest on my declaration alone your Majesty will see in these papers the solemn attestations the unquestioned handwriting of your royal mother in these you will find the corroborating testimonies of many noble and unblemished persons—Peruse them cautiously and oh beware how you prejudge me Unable to utter another word I almost sunk at the feet of James and gave way to the oppressive the agonizing sensations such an aera in my life could not fail to awaken The King still regarded me with an irresolute uneasy air coldly advising me to compose myself by retiring into the antichamber while he perused the papers on which he had hitherto only glanced his eye though even that cursory view had deeply tinged his cheek with silent conviction I was met there
by the Earl of Somerset who perceiving me near fainting ordered water and such essences as are customary remaining himself by my side as if ostentatiously to convince me he did not influence in the least the determination of his royal master—The bitterness of the conflict was however over the moment the secret was avowed and my spirits soon began to recover their wonted equanimity
The obliging efforts of Somerset to revive me did not pass unnoticed though my watchful ear followed the footsteps of the King who still continued to walk about with an unequal pace stopping at intervals He opened the closet door at length and Somerset retiring out of his sight made signs to me to reenter it—The King came forward to meet me with affability and seizing my hand slightly saluted my cheek—Take courage madam said he for however you may have surprized us with this sudden declaration and wonderful difcovery
reverence for our deceased mothers rights and justice to those you derive from her oblige us to acknowledge you as her daughter
And now I was indeed near fainting I might rather say dying—To be at once acknowledged as his sister as the daughter of Mary Scarce in my happiest hours had I dared to flatter myself with the promise of what was now so incredibly realized My susceptible soul indulged the exquisite transport and one short moment compensated for ages of anguish—A thousand impassioned incoherent exclamations burst from my lips and giving way to the genuine impulse of gratitude and affection I threw myself for the first time into the arms of a brother nor remembered they were those of a King Never did the most consummate hypocrite counterfeit a joy so pure so perfect and though I could have brought no other proof of my birth the sacred throbs of nature might well have ascertained it
The King sat down by me and turning over the papers he still held questioned me at intervals respecting those that appeared mysterious or deficient I entreated his patience while I briefly ran through the wonderful events of my life and thus very naturally led his attention toward the sole object of my cares my hopes my existence— I have already heard much of your daughter said James they tell me she is beauty itself—why have you thus strangely concealed her As I could not declare my real reason which was simply want of esteem for his character I pleaded various trifling ones that indeed had never influenced me Say no more said the King interrupting me I easily perceive Madam you was not so reserved to every one—I plainly discern who was your confidant had I earlier been entrusted with your secret it would have been happier for all and I should then have been able to account for—He paused ere he came to the dear name of his son and
sighing dropt the unfinished sentence As to me entranced alike with his unexpected candor graciousness and generosity I severely censured myself for relying on report and not proving the character I ventured to decide upon I had a long conversation with the King afterwards every word of which heightened my confidence esteem and affection I gathered from many expressions that he feared opposition on the part of the Queen and his favorite and was fearful this late declaration of his mothers marriage with the Duke of Norfolk would not fully satisfy the minds of the people or establish my rank sufficiently He paused upon the whole with the air of one who is a party in what he meditates and I thought the least I could do was to leave the regulation of the important acknowledgment in his choice—To be vindicated in his opinion I truly assured him was the first object of my life and I submitted my general vindication in the public acknowledgment of my birth entirely
to his better judgment That I had been so many years a solitary being in the midst of society as not to have one friend to whose inclination I need yield my own In fine that time had gradually robbed me of all interested in the important secret I had just confided to him which now rested solely with him my daughter and myself He replied that this instance of my prudence as well as regard infinitely heightened the partiality he had already conceived for me nor need I fear his delaying the acknowledgment longer than was absolutely necessary since he could not but look on such relations as inestimable acquisitions nevertheless as he had many points to consider and many persons to reconcile he recommended to me to continue the same circumspection I had hitherto shewn but that he could not restrain his impatience to behold the fair maid of whom he had heard so much and would come tomorrow evening to a seat of my Lord Somersets whither
he would send for myself and my daughter and hoped by that time he should be able to ascertain the day for publishing my birth with a due regard for his mothers honor after which he could gratify himself by establishing me in a situation that should make me forget all my misfortunes—Those misfortunes were already forgotten in the unhopedfor transition in my fate I took my leave with the profoundest gratitude burning with impatience to impart this blessed news to my Mary and as the King did not offer to return the papers I thought it better to leave them in his hands than confirm the doubt my long silence could not but give rise to in his mind viz that I wanted confidence in his honor
I hastened to Richmond and communicated this surprizing this happy event to my darling girl—A thousand times I ensolded her to my delighted heart and found every transport doubled in her participation She tenderly entered into
all my feelings and sweetly smiled at the eagerness with which I sought to adorn her for the next days introduction Yet considering the King as the slave of exterior it was a material point to heighten her beauty by every adventitious advantage To present her in absolute black was to recall the most melancholy impressions to the mind of James I therefore resolved to lighten her mourning with a fanciful elegance I drest her in a vest of black velvet thrown back at the bosom in the French sashion with a semicircle of rich lace points which shewed at once her graceful waist and chest to the greatest advantage Her petticoat was of white fattin wrought in deep points round the bottom with black velvet and richly sringed with silver A fuller coat and train of silver muslin wrought with black sell over the sattin one and was looped up to the waist at regular distances by strings of pearl and dragged toward the bottom into points by the weight of
rich black bugle tassels and roses of diamonds Full sleeves of the same silver muslin were braced round her arms to the elbow by strings of jet and roses of diamonds and from thence they were bare except for similar bracelets circling each wrist The rich profusion of her auburn hair which fell in natural curls below her waist required no ornament but to avoid the affectation of shewing it she wore a hat of white sattin with a narrow fringe of black bugles and a waving plume of feathers This splendid dress on which the legacies of both her father and Anana were displayed by some peculiar happiness either in its make or mixture became my Mary beyond any I had ever seen her wear The fond mothers heart anticipated the impression she would infallibly make on her uncle and drew from her heightened beauty the happiest presages
Ah who could have conjectured that this brilliance and parade were only destined to forerun one of the most dismal
moments of my life—That an inhuman tyrant had delighted to employ the trembling hand of misfortune in decking a gaudy pageant for herself eternally to mourn over
At the appointed hour a close carriage came for us with due attendants and as the King had desired me not to bring any of my own I rigidly obeyed nor even hinted whither I was going They drove us a long way while engrossed by meditations on the approaching interview as well as concerning the dear creature by me I hardly knew how the time passed My daughter at length observed it was farther than she expected—I looked out but it was too dark for me to distinguish any object and all I could discern was an increase of attendants I called out aloud and one drew near who to my enquiries respectfully replied that the King had been detained in London whither they were hastening by his orders This information quieted us again and I strove to recall my fluttered spirits
into their usual channel by turning the conversation on our future prospects Nevertheless we went at so great a rate that I thought it impossible we should not be near London when all at once I found we were driving through an unknown village The surprize this oceasioned was doubled by my daughters throwing herself into my arms—It was not immediately I could comprehend her when she told me that a light which gleamed from the window of a cottage had shewn her that we were environed with armed soldiers From this alarm we were not yet recovered when by a sudden rise and hollow sound we perceived we had passed over a drawbridge immediately after which we stopped As we alighted I cast my eyes round a large and dreary courtyard where a few straggling centinels were planted but neither lights splendor or attendants indicated a royal guest or a favorites residence The gloomy passages through which we were ushered
seemed rather to lead to a prison than a palace—Arrived at an empty apartment I gave way at once to the dire the obvious truth and arraigning in silence my own egregious credulity felt severely felt its every consequence
An officer who had preceded us now offered me a packet which I received as the sentence of my fate but made no effort to open it—Hope fear curiosity every dear and powerful emotion were annihilated by instantaneous conviction and a stupor succeeded more dangerous and dreadful than the most violent operations of the passions—My daughter more terrified by this still agony than even the cruel and unexpected event of the evening threw herself at my feet—Oh speak to me my mother exclaimed the dear one do not indulge the desperation your countenance expresses do not consummate to your poor Mary the horrors of the moment I gazed at her with a vacant air but nature resumed her rights and fondly plucking at my heart the tears I refused
to my own fate flowed lavishly for hers—So young so fair so innocent so noble —how could I but bewail her Surely those maternal tears alone preserved my senses at a juncture when every thing conspired to unsettle them My Mary by an expressive glance requested leave to open the packet and starting at sight of the paper it contained put it eagerly into my hand a glance informed me it was that defamatory declaration the crafty Burleigh had deceived my sister into signing while a prisoner in St Vincents Abbey The King in sending this only added insult to injury since the testimonials I had delivered to him might have invalidated a thousand such vague and artificial falshoods yet had it a fortunate effect for nothing less could have roused my spirits from the cold and sullen torpor which every passing moment seemed to increase—Insolent Barbarian exclaimed I not content to imprison the unhappy offspring of the Queen who had the misfortune of giving thee being dost thou delight in
villifying and debasing even her ashes—Oh paper dictated and preserved surely for my ruin by what singular chance hast thou survived the very views thou wert invented to serve—Treasured as it appears only to effect a ruin your execrable contriver could not foresee—Yet of what consequence is this single attestation towards annihilating claims all those I delivered had not power to establish in the judgment of a cruel insidious tyranty who voluntarily shut his heart alike to reason virtue and nature—Devoted to selfinterest vain of a petty talent at deceiving contemptible in every rank but infamous in the highest he meanly watched the generous impulses of my heart and wrought out of them my ruin—Yet why do I name myself—Alas of what importance is it to her who no longer wishes to live where heaven or its arbitrary delegate shall have appointed her to die—It is for thee my daughter for thee alone my soul thus overflows with inexpressible anguish—Rescued in yet unconscious childhood
from slavery neglect and obscurity fortune at one moment seemed willing to restore all the rights of your birth when a weak credulous unfortunate mother assisted the cruel wretch who Was predetermined to entomb you and annihilate every trace every memorial of our dear and honored progenitors—Nameless—dishonored—your blooming youth must wither in an unknown prison—blighted by the tears of a parent who can never pardon herself the extravagant error produced by overfondness—I knew the King to be mean base subtle yet I madly delivered into his treacherous hands every thing on which our hopes nay even our vindication must be grounded— Hear me in turn my dear my honored mother cried my sweet girl bathing my hands with tears of veneration and fondness Alas the order of nature is inverted and I am obliged to become the monitor—Recollect the maxim you have so deeply impressed upon my mind—that the malice of man would in vain strive to make us wretched did not our
own ungovernable passions aid his artful machinations Oh let us respect even error when it has its source in virtue—To have distrusted the King were to deserve to be rejected—leave him then to the contemptible satisfaction of having wrested from the widow and the orphan the last treasure of their lives and let us examine what he has been compelled to leave us Have we not yet the power of looking down on his throne and all its specious advantages even from that obscure prison where his authority confines us—Have we not the pride of reviewing our own hearts without finding aught in either unworthy of our Creator or ourselves—For the vain grandeur of that name of which he has unfairly deprived us can it be worth regretting while he lives to dishonor it—Fortunately no favorite view depended on its attainment consequently no hope is blighted by the deprivation Have I not often heard you say a noble mind can become every thing to itself—Let us then rise superior to our fortune time
will soon calm our spirits—reason will reconcile us to the inconveniencies of our fate and religion elevate us above them—Mourn not then for me my muchloved mother concluded the dear one sweetly smiling through her tears since I shall never think that place a prison which contains you nor that fate a misfortune I owe to your fondness
Oh virtue how awful dost thou appear sublimed thus by generosity When I saw this halfblown human blossom support the storm without shrinking I blushed to have bowed my head before it—When I heard her with Spartan courage apply to her own situation the noble tenets I had sought not vainly to imbue her mind with could I fail to profit by the principles I had taught—From the admiration she excited in my soul sprung that pure and elevated heroism which calms in one moment every human weakness and turbulent passion disposing us to turn upon that fate it enables us to judge of
I now recollected that by a fond vanity in decking my daughter in all her valuable diamonds I had inadvertently provided ample means to buy the fidelity of our keepers nor were they aware of our treasure as the severity of the weather had made me wrap her in a long cloak lined with fur I hastily stripped her costly dress of its richest embellishments and secreted them Ah with what difficulty did I stifle the tears and anguish which struggled at my heart when I remembered the different views with which I adorned her
Scarce had we executed this prudent resolve ere the man I have mentioned presented himself once more—he was young—not unpleasing—had an air of integrity and profound respect that a little prepossessed me in his favour even under all the disadvantages attending our meeting Our countenances were now calmed and our resolutions taken—He appeared surprized alike with this transition and the beauty of my daughter
whose magnificent but disordered dress had a share of his attention—He was flattered with our civility and assured us every accommodation consistent with the strict orders of the King he should take pleasure in supplying us with and would with our permission make us acquainted with our new home He then produced some keys which opened double doors at the farther end of the large room we were in and conducted us into a chamber neat and commodious enough—The keys he informed us were committed solely to his charge and that whenever inclination or convenience induced us to change our apartment we had only to touch a spring he pointed out when he would attend and unlock the intermediate doors—The purport of this extreme caution was very obvious it excluded every possibility of winning over a female servant as all the domestic offices would now of course be performed in either room while we occupied the other nor was he suffered to
supply us pen ink or paper As the conveniences of these apartments and the air of respect in our guard shewed some attention had been paid to our welfare as well as the most judicious precautions taken to prevent our enlargement I neither imputed the one or the other to the King but rather both to his cunning favorite Our enquiries were interrupted by the entrance of two servants who set out an elegant supper of which neither my daughter or myself had spirits to partake Resolved however to gather all I could from my attendant ere another should be put in his place or suspicion make him dumb I asked the name of the Castle and its owner but to these questions he declared himself enjoined to refuse replying nevertheless I conjectured from his looks that I did not err in supposing Somerset directed him The refined artifice of offering to introduce me to the King and even remaining by my side while perhaps my ruin was effecting by his will
seemed entirely consistent with the character Prince Henry had given me of that worthless favorite though I could find no crime in my own conduct could possibly irritate him to bury us thus alive unless indeed our attachment to that lamented royal youth appeared a sufficient one
In the gallery leàding to our apartment I observed a centinel planted from whom we were shut by double doors safely locked perceiving we were thus effectually excluded from every hope and chance of freedom I desired to pass at once into a chamber where I did not flatter myself I should find rest
My first employment on rising was to examine the windows as well as the view from them they were so closely grated as to convince me however comfortable our residence it was still a prison The apartments we occupied formed one side of a quadrangle of old buildings most probably barracks but now entirely deserted On making the signal
Dunlop for so was our guard called readily attended and we passed into the other room where we found breakfast ready Trunks containing all kinds of apparel had been placed there and Dunlop recommended to us to form our minds to passing the remainder of our days in confinement I did not submit to bear this without demanding the authority by which he acted He produced an order signed by the King strictly enjoining him to keep us in safety and beware we neither wrote or received a letler or indeed held any kind of communication with the world—While he spoke I examined every lineament of his countenance but fidelity was written there in such legible characters that I dared not make any effort to bribe him lest if it failed he should publish that I had the means which might in a moment utterly impoverish me
A few wearisome uniform days only had elapsed when every hope decayed and my spirits flagged at once—Alas
my mind had no longer the vivifying ardor the inexhaustible resources of unbroken youth—its bloom had passed away like a shadow and all its fire evaporated—The woful realities of life had dissipated the bright illusions of imagination—Every human good was in my estimation shrunk into so small a compass that freedom constituted a very essential part of my little Possessions—I was no longer able to rely upon contingencies and sunk at once under all the sdness of knowledge—Not denied the relief of books I pored over them in vain every idea was still pursuing an absent good and my senses would reject the sublimest author to follow the careless steps of a weary centinel or listen to his whistling
Whether my daughter had really more resolution than myself or only assumed the appearance of it to save me from despair was a point I could not ascertain but the complacency of her mind and manners was invariable By a thousand little affectionate artifices she engaged me to work while she read or
read while she worked nor would perceive those melancholy reveries it was impossible to overlook I was not however thankless for the blessing left me That my eyes opened on her every morning still made me bless it and in composing myself to sleep I nightly praised the God who yet suffered her to rest by me
Two tedious months elapsed in undecisive projects—Dunlop ever present vigilant and respectful precluded alike complaint and temptation but as if to guard himself against the latter I took notice he now never remained one moment alone with us
The impossibility of forming any judgment of our centinels while divided from them by double doors and the danger of a fruitless effort to seduce one had at intervals engrossed my attention but the mind cannot dwell forever on a single idea or a remote and uncertain project Wearied out with this another suddenly came to my relief Though yet early in the spring the weather was uncommonly
beautiful and the lenity with which we were treated left me not without hopes of being allowed under rigid limitations the liberty of walking in whatever gardens the castlewalls enclosed By this means I could examine the countenances of our centinels and if I saw one in whom humanity was not quite extinct I thought I might find some means to shew him a jewel thus proving I could largely recompense him should he have the courage to assist us Nor did my lameness wholly deprive me of the power of walking though it prevented my enjoying the liberty—After considering this plan in every possible light I saw nothing to forbid the attempt and ventured the request—A few anxious days elapsed ere I had the satisfaction of finding it was granted on as good terms as I could hope Dunlop acquainted me we must walk separately that the person confined might be a check upon her that was liberated who should not remain in the garden more than an
hour nor quit his sight one moment These restrictions were as moderate as I could expect and I eagerly prepared to profit by the granted permission ere I ventured my daughter certain I should at least discover the strength heighth and situation of the Castle—Dunlop followed by two other men attended upon me I cast an eager eye on the centinel on the gallery but saw in him no trace of sense feeling or curiosity I found the little garden in so antique a stile and ruinous a condition as plainly proved this dismantled building was now only a prison whatever its former distinction The wall around it appeared decayed and not very high—it looked down on a moat apparently dry—From one part of the terrace I caught the corner of a tower I fancied belonged to Windsor Castle but dared not venture a word which might imply design and returned without asking a single question My daughter now took her turn and as we continued to claim
this relief whenever the weather favored I fancied it improved her health as well as my own
It chanced at length I one day found a centinel on guard whose eye expressed both pity and curiosity—Mine addressed itself to him in a most pointed manner Without altering the position of my hand in which I always carried a diamond for that purpose I opened it and the soldier as I wished surveyed the jewel—I turned my head at the instant Dunlop was unlocking the door and the centinel shook his emphatically Yet only to have been understood revived at once my spirits and my hopes for to escape did not appear so impracticable to me as to gain an assistant I saw him no more for a week but soon found that day was the periodical one for his attendance—Involved in a thousand plots the want of pen and ink seemed to condemn them all to inhabit only my brain when at once I discovered a substitute for those useful articles From the middle
of a large book which we had unmolested possession of I took some of the printed leaves and from the conclusion a blank one out of the first I cut such words as simply conveyed my meaning and sewed them on the last—Assist us to escape and we will make your fortune was the substance of this singular but important billet To ascertain my ability to realize this promise I wrapt in it a diamond of some value and carried both ever in my hand still hoping fortune would enable me for one moment to mislead the attention of my guards but alas Dunlop far from relaxing his vigilance continually increased it The two men who followed him in the garden now attended to my door remaining as spies on me while Dunlop opened it—Thus circumstanced I could not make the slightest overture without being liable to detection and I dreaded awakening the most distant doubt lest it should condemn us to a more rigorous confinement—One favorable omen alone
occurred—The soldier I had selected clearly understood me—I saw his eye ever anxiously fixed on my hand as if eager to transfer its contents to his own nor had I ceased to flatter myself I should yet do so when an unforeseen incident at once annihilated every hope and project and plunged me in the deepest sorrow
I had always counted the moments of my daughters absence and nothing but the conviction that the air and exercise were necessary towards her health could have enabled me to support it What then became of me when one day I found her walk unusually lengthened—I endeavoured to persuade myself that my fears foreran the danger—But more than twice the usual time had certainly elapsed nor dared I venture an enquiry lest I should suggest a hint to my persecutors which hitherto had escaped them The hours thus passed on but Mary returned not—Ah me while my weak hand repeats this I almost expire
under the recollection—Every evil my untoward fate had yet teemed with became peace nay pleasure on a comparison with this—Though the turbulence of each succeeding storm had swept away invaluable treasures something yet remained my weary soul might cling to—This single gem this solitary relique of all my fortunes more dear more precious from becoming so a dreadful a deceitful calm had at length swallowed up even while I was fearless of the danger—Heartstruck—incapable at once either of distinguishing or complaining my respiration became perturbed and deep—A still agony more dreadful than the wildest tumults of the passions numbed my very soul every hair seemed to start from and pierce my toosensible brain while drops cold as those of death chased one another down my scarcely throbbing temples—When Dunlop presented himself I rose not from the earth I uttered not a syllable but lifting an eye to him which would have melted a savage he
turned away unable to support the shock and offered me some order from the King bewailing at the same moment the painful duty imposed on him This roused my torpid spirits—I tore it indignantly into a thousand atoms—resentment restored my speech—I called for my Mary in the most piercing accents—nothing could suspend or mitigate my anguish I bitterly reproached Dunlop with tearing the beauteous innocent from her mothers bosom only to deliver her up to assassins—In vain he declared himself incapable of such villainy and acting under the orders of the King—in vain he assured me she was only removed to another apartment safe and unhurt—My soul rejected all his assertions—Mary— Mary—Mary—was all my convulsed lips could utter or my disconsolate soul dictate
Ah God the solitude that succeeded Food light air nay even life itself became nauseous and insupportable—Stretched on the cold ground—drenched in my own tears I gave way to the deep
misery the tremendous void this barbarous separation could not but plunge me in—How long was it since she had been the very essence of my existence From the sorrowful moment which gave her into my arms to that which tore her from them she she alone had occupied my every sense and enabled me to support every affliction—Never though I had led her myself through an admiring nation to the altar and joined her hand with that of the incomparable Henry never could even that advantage have compensated to my yearning heart for the loss of her society What then must it suffer to recollect a savage had wrested her for unknown purposes from my arms—Nor could I amid all the horrors this idea teemed with fix on any distinct one
Oh that melodious voice—Still it seemed to vibrate on my ear but no longer could I hear it—That unmatched form glistered through every tear but evaporated with it The most deadly glooms came over me—a thousand times
I raised my rash hand to precipitate—the unfortunate Rose Cecil alone withheld me—I often thought I heard her aerial voice and despair slowly subsided into resignation
I now exerted every effort to gain upon Dunlop but too faithful to his execrable employers I never won more from him than that my daughter was still in the Castle not only unhurt but treated with distinction and indulgence—Yet how could I credit such improbable assurances or even if they were true ought not an indulgence so partial to alarm more strongly a mothers feelings To every solicitation once more to behold her I received a positive denial nor was even the liberty of walking now allowed me I often enquired why I was thus restrained if no injury was meditated to my unfortunate child To questions of this kind he never answered but left me to my own fluctuating conjectures They were so numerous and frightful that conviction could hardly aggravate the evil Nevertheless as Dunlop seemed
ever anxious to compose my mind by reiterated assurances of my poor girls safety and as there was an air of candor in all he uttered I began at length to conclude that the contemptible Somerset had aspired to the niece of his master but from being already married to the divorced Countess of Essex had not dared to avow his passion I recollected too late the singularity of his being with Prince Henry when first we beheld that amiable youth—the assiduous respect he had shewn in waiting on me at Richmond—the affected offer of his interest with a tyrant whose will he so well knew how to make subservient to his own—the combination of refined arts by which we had been led to throw ourselves into the prison selected for us—and finally that the prison was probably a house of his own—Through the whole of this as well as the manner we were guarded there was a policy too minute for a King to plan and too watchful to be the work of an indifferent person—When by a just turn of thought we insensibly
unravel any hitherto inexplicable event how does the mind disdain its former blindness I now considered with wonder my long want of perspicacity and found something every moment to corroborate and strengthen the idea I had adopted
To fix on any thing certain appears to the exhausted soul a degree of relief and though at some moments I dreaded art and violence might be employed if gentle methods failed to undermine the virtue of my sweet girl yet I much oftener flattered myself she could not inspire a passion so gross and unworthy and knew her soul superior to every other seduction From the instant I ventured once more to hope all my plans for escaping revived I had no longer it is true the privilege of passing beyond my apartment but misery is ever ingenious and I was preinformed of the days when the compassionate centinel guarded the door nay I fancied I often heard him draw near attracted by my sighs and groans—The note I had formerly prepared was
yet in being I sewed it to a long thin slip of whalebone and on the day when he used to be attending worked it gently under both doors at a time when I judged no other person near and softly rapped at the inner one A sweet hope rekindled in my heart as I felt it drawn out of my hand I watched in vain the whole tedious day for a reply and often fancied my effort had been betrayed to Dunlop but as I did not perceive any alteration in his countenance I became reassured and concluded that the soldier could not write nor perhaps even read and if so a whole week must necessarily elapse ere I could learn his resolutions The expiration of that time verified my last conjecture With unspeakable satisfaction I at last saw a billet introduced into my solitude by the same means I had successfully ventured I was a long time decyphering the almost unintelligible scrawl I pity you lady from my heart but I know not how to help you it is true you are rich and I am very poor but then it is impossible to get at you if
you can think of any way I am ready to assist Ah God how did I lift up my eyes to thee who hadst thus strangely opened once more to me a communication with that society from which I had been so unfairly wrested In moments like this every thing appears possible already I seemed to see my prison gates open my daughter in my arms and our honest assistant rich at once in our wealth and our blessings Having had the foresight to prepare another billet I conveyed it in the same manner Worthy soldier is my daughter safe and yet in this Castle if so tear away all but the word yes and my soul shall for ever bless you How pure was the joy with which I received the precious monosyllable
To prepare another billet comprehending my plan was a work of time—with what perturbation did I undertake it To condense my meaning to a few words and yet leave it obvious to a common capacity was not an easy task—I thus
at last effected it generous friend win over him who guards my daughters door while you are at mine and I will share with both of you the rich jewels I possess of which you saw only the smallest Observe the form of the keys Dunlop brings—buy many as near them as possible and so various that some may certainly fit—Procure likewise two regimental suits that we may pass the gate unquestioned if you can raise the little money necessary for this fear not to spend it I will make your fortune in the moment our doors are opened—Restore me to my daughter—conduct us to the gate and we will both beseech the Almighty to bless the riches we will joyfully leave in your hands
Having dispatched this I waited the deciding hour with the most anxious impatience and scarce dared to raise my eyes from the ground lest Dunlop should read in them aught that might alarm his suspicions
How to dispose of myself and daughter when out of the Castle was a question I could not decide upon but I flattered myself that as we should have some hours start of our persecutors we might reach London where it would not be easy to apprehend persons who had been imprisoned without any judicial enquiry or sentence—A greater fear however than that occurred—How if these soldiers should not be honest—the reward we must bestow would prove what we possessed and our lives might be the forfeit Yet such was my desperate state that even this reasonable apprehension did not induce me one moment to hesitate
The appointed time revolved and I received another billet Be ready when all is quiet—every thing is prepared if any of the keys fit My comrade and self must go with you to secure our own safety but it will likewise secure yours Oh how did my heart bound at this happy intelligence—my languor my lameness all was forgotten Maternal love and habitual
fear seemed to wing me with supernatural powers
As the important moment approached I knelt and devoutly invoked the assistance of heaven Ah not in vain for the first effort of the soldiers was successful I reached out a rich and ready hand to each—They received the contents with extreme satisfaction and conjuring me to preserve the most profound silence locked the doors and led me to the further side of the Castle At the threshold of my daughters apartment they gave into my hand the disguises I had desired and agreed to wait till we were ready The tender meltings Mothers only know thrilled thro my heart and sweetened every apprehension as I gently made my way thro a dark room towards one where I saw lights still burning but fearful of alarming my sweet girl I hesitated at the door What was my astonishment to perceive that the apartment was gay magnificient and illuminated—I thought at first that anxiety had bewildered my faculties
but their truth became evident when they centred at once on my daughter who elegantly habited had sunk on a couch asleep A writing table covered with due implements stood before her on which lay a letter it appeared to me she had been answering The deadly coldness the nameless sensations this extraordinary scene could not but occasion at once suspended even the most powerful emotions of nature A repulsion so terrible obliged me to rest my head against the pillar of the door and struggle some time with the sickness and confusion of my soul ere I could gather strength to penetrate into the fact She still continued to enjoy a repose it seemed to me I never should know again and I had now lost the wish of awakening her of escaping—alas even of existing Slowly at length I tottered toward the table and catching at the two letters I mentioned appeared to grasp in them my very fate The signature of the first made its contents
almost needless A few days a very few days more most charming of women and I shall be able to indulge your every wish—every thing is now in train—pain me not therefore in thus pressing an impossibility The heart of your Mother is inexorable to me—it has ever been so and I neither dare trust her with the truth or you with one so prejudiced till the law shall have annulled my detested marriage and the King agree to my union with yourself—I live but in that hope it supports me under all these long and tedious absences Why will you call the safe home in which you are enclosed a prison—The whole world appears so to him who beholds with pleasure only that spot where you dwell Tomorrow I shall steal an hour to pass with you—smile for that hour my beloved and bless wiih a welcome your devoted Somerset
Of what various what manifold miseries is the human heart susceptible none of all the exquisite variety I had hitherto known ever surpassed this new
one My disdainful soul recoiled from even the dear object of its affections—hypocrisy that essence of all vices had stolen into her heart under the name of love and blighted the virtues yet blossoming—fearfully I perused her letter to end every doubt
What ages of solitude of suffering does your love my lord impose on me In vain you would fill up that place in my heart a parent so justly revered must ever hold But you still talk of tomorrow and tomorrow—alas it is a day that may perhaps never come—you think me vapourish but you know not how strangely my illness increases—it is acute and violent—Oh that I could lay my burning head one moment on my mothers bosom—Catherine gave me some whey yesterday I dont know —perhaps I wrong her but I have not been myself since A thousand gloomy images have taken possession of my mind my eager ear is filled with imaginary knells I could fancy myself dying you will laugh perhaps
at this weakness but I cannot conquer it—if I should indeed judge right release my mother I conjure you and conceal forever from her—
Ah what exclaimed I in the most terrible agony for at this unfinished sentence the letter broke off—Disdain suspense anguish contended within me and shook my frame like the last struggle of nature—Of all the horrors that bewildered my mind one one alone could my senses ascertain—My hapless girl was indeed dying—wan and sunken were those cheeks late so florid—the icy fingers of death were impressed upon her temples and the eyes she heavily opened as her woestruck mother dropt upon earth had no longer either life beauty or lustre—Oh that my soul had escaped in the groan which followed this horrible conviction—She faintly shrieked and remained in a kind of stupor tenderness however soon predominated over every other sensation—I threw my arms round her in silence and the tears which deluged her cheeks alone declared what
passed in my soul—Still she uttered not a word but griped my hands as though the pangs of death were indeed upon her I in vain conjured intreated her to speak it was long ere she had courage to enter into a detail which she had neither breath or voice to go through Condemn me not wholly my mother at length cried the dear one however appearances may incense you I ask for only life enough to acquit myself and will to my last moment thank the God who restores me to your arms though only to blush away my being in them Yet have I no other crime to avow than that reserve unconquerably interwoven in my nature—Alas yesterday I thought it a virtue—Heaven will perhaps give me strength to go through the story at least I ought to make the effort—Oh deign to pardon my compelled abruptness and hear me with patience
At the moment which first presented Prince Henry to our knowledge he was accompanied by the Earl of Somerset—How my eyes conceived the partiality my
reason could never erase I know not but they decided at once in his favor—Whether the Earl perceived the involuntary distinction or was led by an equal one on his own part is alike unknown to me but I understood the reluctance with which he gave way to the Prince whom he left with us—the contempt with which you mentioned Lord Somerset strangely shocked and alarmed me yet may I own it I secretly accused the most upright heart existing of pride and prejudice and found a thousand reasons for suddenly disputing a judgment which had hitherto been the rule of my own— During the frequent visits Prince Henry paid you when prudence induced you to send me abroad alas to what a temptation did you unconsciously expose me Somerset availed himself of those opportunities and by distant homage confirmed the prepossession I had already conceived—What shame what sorrow what humiliation has it cost me—Can you ever know a more exquisite misery than to bestow your heart unworthily
to be humbled without guilt—compelled to blush hourly for errors not your own—and reduced to a perpetual conflict with those powerful and natural emotions which form under more fortunate circumstances the felicity of youth Sensible by the curious attention of others how injurious that of the Earl might in time become I requested leave to remain at home and awed in spite of myself by your sentiments boldly resolved to sacrifice the erroneous inclination of my heart and received the vows of Prince Henry To see you happy to flatter him with the hope of being so for a time elevated and amused my mind but solitude soon restored it to its favorite object Somerset still presented himself and I took pleasure in the tears in which I drowned his admired image By some means or other I found letters from him frequently in my chamber—I dared not enquire how lest I should awaken your suspicions alas perhaps that was one of the finespun webs with which love
ever veils its errors I found him regularly informed of all our designs—I knew it was in his power to cross them by a word and I began to esteem him for daring to be silent During the last progress of the King Somerset resolved to profit by the absence of Henry and apprized of the interviews we granted the Prince in the pavilion in the garden as well as of my habit of sitting there determined to take the chance of pleading his cause My stay was by the rising of the moon unusually prolonged on the evening he had selected to present himself before me The pale light served only to shadow out his form—any human one must at such a moment have appalled me—I shrieked and was halffainting when the found of his voice dissipated my terror Surprize perhaps joy that instantaneous confidence we ever repose in the object beloved doubtless reassured him I was scarce conscious I had granted the audience he demanded till he fell at my feet to thank me The manner in which
he avowed his passion made me sensible too late that I had illdisguised my own I know not whether I should have had resolution to attempt doing so much longer had not our conversation been suddenly interrupted by Henry The Prince to my inexpressible dismay entered the pavillion—My voice had drawn him thither but the sound of Somersets made him retreat in contemptuous silence The Earl would have followed but I caught his arm and obstinately withheld him—then conjuring him to hasten to his boat I flew after the Prince Henry had thrown himself on the seat near the terrace but sensible of the necessity of separating him and the Earl at such a crisis I intreated the Prince to accompany me to the house The light of the moon enabled me judge from his bewildered air of the distraction of his mind I had not courage to break a silence he voluntarily maintained yet to part under appearances so equivocal was impossible I hesitated at length a faint explanation
nation Could you contradict the evidence of my senses madam sighed the Prince in a low and tender tone I might wish to hear you as it is spare me I conjure you on a subject so hateful I have nothing to reproach you with but a reserve which led me to deceive myself—Adieu I promise you inviolable silence—He who once hoped to constitute your felicity disdains to interfere with it Yet one truth I ought perhaps to apprize you of your happy your favored lover is married think not I wish to reap any advantage from this information—never more shall I breathe a vow at your feet—Oh Mary you have undone me He wrung my hands in an agony of passion and rushed through the garden to conceal the sobs which continued to pierce my heart through my ear What a night did I pass—sad prelude to so many miserable ones I readily absented myself the next day at the Princes usual hour of visiting us I never saw him afterwards without pain humiliation
and constraint though he omitted nothing likely to reconcile me to himself During the fatal illness into which he fell how continually did my heart reproach me with increasing if not causing it and how deeply was my injustice to his merit punished in the mortifying conviction that Somerset had dared to deceive me —What prayers did I offer up for Henrys recovery —What vows to atone for my error by a life devoted to him Alas I was not worthy a lover so noble and heaven recalled his purer essence while yet unsullied The sense of a hopeless and unworthy passion mingled with the deep grief I could not but feel for his loss A sickliness and disgust succeeded—rank royalty distinction every worldly advantage combined could not have dissipated the gloom of my mind or reconciled me for a moment to society I took no pleasure in the hopes you my dear my generous mother cherished for me but I would not be ungrateful and therefore concealed
my ideas Thus impressed what merit was there in that philosophy which enabled me to become your comforter under a reverse I scarcely felt —Oh that my errors my misfortunes had ended here—that I had breathed my last on your revered bosom while yet unconscious of wounding it When the vain hope of freedom made you solicit for a limited portion of air and exercise how could you foresee the fatal consequences of that periodical indulgence In the first of these solitary walks Somerset presented himself before me not the crested aspiring favorite but the selfaccusing the pale the humble lover—My eyes resisted the impulse of my heart and turned haughtily from him but he hung on my robe he intreated he conjured —he would be heard—I feel I shall not have time to enter into the long explanation of his conduct which won from me an unwilling pardon suffice it to say that he knew every the most secret transaction in our house nor ventured to marry till convinced I was
betrothed to Prince Henry But oh the wretch he espoused—Never may you know the crimes of which she has too probably been guilty It was to Somersets interposition we owed the prolongation of those lives the pride and rage of the King had devoted from the moment he read the papers he took a malicious pleasure in destroying—Still anxious for me the Earl owned he had persuaded James to imprison us in this Castle as well to secure our safety as to provide us those comforts and conveniencies our royal relation would have deprived us of
I could not be insensible to services like these and finding my wrath began to abate he awakened my pity by describing the domestic miseries an unhappy marriage had imposed on him The tears with which my wounded soul blotted this picture induced him still farther to explain himself His hopes of a divorce seemed rationally grounded and I could not but enter into his views
on that head—I was not however able to persuade him you would ever think as I did and weakly promised a secresy I ought to have seen the danger of—Yet the prejudice which induced you to impute even our imprisonment to him seemed so fixed so unalterable that though a thousand times the integrity of my nature tempted me to unfold to you the only secret my bosom ever teemed with I shrunk before a mind so disgusted nor dared to utter one syllable might pain you The delays of Somerset however necessary alarmed and distressed me—I became cold and melancholy and too delicate to confide to him the true causes of this alteration he soon assigned a false one Peevishness and altercation now robbed our interviews of all their sweetness—He often reproached me with having opened my heart to you who alone could thus shut it against him—Disdain urged me one day to assure him I would do so the first moment I again beheld you—He left me in a transport of rage Alas my heart
became sensible of one every way equal to it when I found I was not permitted to return to your prison—I refused to admit him to that allotted for me and gave vent to every extravagance so unforeseen an injury must excite—His answer convinced me that this step had long been meditated He assured me he would sooner die than restore me to a mother who had ever hated detested and despised him without any reason till his claim took place of hers and he could call me his wife The cruel remembrance of what you must suffer soon reduced me to intreaties and solemn promises of continued secresy They were now he replied too late—that he could not suppose it possible I should be able to conceal from you the cause of my absence and this justly strengthening the unreasonable disgust and hatred you already felt towards him would make you go any lengths to prevent a union you must naturally abhor—To this he added all he thought likely to soothe my
embittered spirit and solemnly assured me your mind was relieved by a conviction that this separation was only in consequence of a new order from court— Although I saw in this mode of conduct a chicanery and little art my nature disdained I was yet glad to imagine it lightened to you the heavy affliction our separation could not but cause I felt too late the error of mental reservation and had sufficient reason to think every evil might branch out from that little root Having in vain contended with the man no less master of my life than fate I at length was wearied into forgiving him The divorce was now in great forwardness and the manifold iniquities of the fiend in human shape he had married such as could not but shock and interest a heart disposed to love him A thousand busy projects passed daily from his brain to mine and often intervened between myself and a mother so revered Every hour that went over my head made it more impossible for me to appear before
you but as his wife and I became as eager as himself for a day which heaven had preordained I should never see One who pursued her point more effectually has severely punished all my youthful errors—Oh may my premature death be received by him who made me as an expiation—How shall I tell you—and yet I must—I have often thought my food tinctured with poison—yesterday—Alas my mother where is now your fortitude —where is that sublime resignation I have seen you exert—forget the vain hopes you once formed for me—forget that I am your daughter oh think the erring wretch this awful moment recalls was born to embitter the days that yet remain to you and adore even in this painful moment the mercy of the Almighty—If have not sinned beyond forgiveness graciously extend yours to me while yet I am sensible of the blessing
As she threw herself into my arms every feature seemed shrunk and moulded by the fingers of death—Alas what became
of me at this crisis her paroxysms were scarce more dreadful than those that seized upon my soul—every emotion of love friendship and kindred appeared tranquillity when compared with the wild uncontroulable anguish of the robbed the ruined mother Perpetually ready to give vent to the tumultuous execrations my heart pronounced against the artful insidious traitor who had alienated her affections and warped the rectitude of her mind an intuitive conviction that such a transport would vainly embitter the little time remaining to her obliged me to confine to sighs and groans all the miseries of the moment I drew her fondly to my bosom and poured over her pale convulsed cheeks a heartbroken mothers solemn absolution
One horror only could be added to a scene like this nor was it wanting The centinels weary of waiting and startled by our groans now abruptly entered the chamber—Scared at the sight of my daughter expiring in my arms the sense
of their own danger soon overruled every other they urged they conjured me to leave my Mary now apparently lifeless but they urged they conjured in vain—On her I was so soon to resign to her Creator my whole soul was now fixed—The dear one faintly revived but struck with inconceivable horror at sight of the soldiers she relapsed into convulsions griping me still closer Ah God the cold chill that followed when I found her hold relax at once—the world vanished from before my eyes—they beheld only the fair form which sought a grave on the bosom where it first found a being—Inspired with the fierceness of a savage I grasped her yet closer shrieking tremendously and with a strength surely supernatural The confused and incensed soldiers having used every persuasion in vain made the most violent efforts to sever me from the last the dearest the only object of my love Threats intreaties art and force however were alike vain—nothing could
could tear her from me They presented at length their bayonets to my bosom and beheld me with surprize dare the blow—Perhaps they had really pierced it but that some women attendant on my daughter now rushed into the room Fears for their own safety obliged the soldiers to forbear urging or enforcing me further They seized the intruders lest any of them should escape and having bound them sought safety in flight A terrible calm succeeded my intense desperation—the blood which had tumultuously burnt along every vein now returned in torrents to choak up and drown my heart—The black fumes mounted thence to my brain—With a griefglazed eye I contemplated the pale and precious cheek from whose rich coloring I of late drew life till ignorant that I either suffered or existed
Seldom enough myself to distinguish the shadowy forms that flitted round my bed and always too indifferent to utter a single question I opened not the curtain nor cared who was beyond it— Vague and stifled exclamations alone informed me of the danger of that fatal fire which raged within my veins—danger did I say—I ought rather to have called it relief During the short intervals of my delirium I voluntarily sunk in silence under the gloom and debility it left Suddenly I was seized with such flutters and gaspings as seemed to indicate an immediate termination of every human infliction—My weary soul hovered at the gate of its prison and I felt as if a single word would release it but I had neither ability or inclination to pronounce that word and though I perceived every curtain was undrawn to give me air I raised not my quivering eyelids to distinguish the two persons who anxiously held each hand as watching for
the last beat of the faint and hurried pulse
While thus in the very struggle and fluctuation incident to parting nature a voice suddenly reached my receding senses—a voice so mellow calm and holy that life yet lingered on it I distinguished these words oh Almighty God with whom do live the spirits of the just made perfect when they are delivered from their earthly prisons we humbly commend the soul of this thy servant our dear sister into thy hands as into those of a faithful Creator and most merciful Saviour A faint effort I made to release my hands with the design of raising them towards heaven caused the prayer to cease An emotion I could not resist made me lift my dim eyes to behold if not absolutely an angel the human being that most resembled one At a table near my bed knelt a Clergyman whose reverend locks time had entirely bleached but it had taken nothing from his fine eyes which seemed
to reflect the divinity he served—care and experience had worn traces in every perfect feature and the pale purity of virtue chastened alike by sorrow and resignation had succeeded to the vivid hues of youth hope and health I uttered a sigh and faint exclamation—A sweet yet sad pleasure wandered through my exhausted frame thus to be assured I had reached the very point of my being Some women decently arrayed in black having assisted my infirm and venerable comforter to rise conducted him to the side of my bed and retired With a graciousness peculiar to himself he adjured me since the mercy of the Almighty had unexpectedly restored my intellects to prosit by the indulgence in preparing my soul to appear before him An impulse of gratitude made me raise my hand to take his that sympathetically trembled over me but even this trifling motion made me sensible I had on many blisters which wrung my feeble sense even to fainting
The women as is usual in desperate cases gave me some vivifying cordials and again retired The reverend stranger once more addressed me praising the Almighty for the restoration of my intellects—they were indeed restored for oh the recollection of that dismal event which rendered their loss a blessing returned upon my mind and made me loath the succors I could owe only to the detested hand that had consummated my woes Oh you cried I in a broken voice who thus seek to comfort the miserable inform me first to whom I owe the benefit He paused a moment—his gracious eyes glanced upward and having thus consulted with his Creator he answered me with firmness that his name was De Vere the houshold Chaplain of the Earl of Somerset—At that abhorred title I shut my eyes as though I could have shut out retrospection and waved to him to leave me—Rash unfortunate woman returned he in a solemn and yet tender tone religion
does not permit me to obey you—would you bear into a better world the pride the passions the prejudices which have certainly embittered perhaps shortened your days in this—Dare you present to the pure source of good your great your glorious Creator a soul yet sullied with voluntary frailties and human imperfection —Are you not on the point of ceasing to fuffer wherefore then should you not cease to resent Religion enjoins you to forget the faults of others and contemplate only your own—Attend to truth and I will impart it to you—resolve to be patient and I will pour balm into the deep wounds of human calamity—controul your passions and I will elevate them even under the struggles of parting nature by hopes which shall surely be realized because they centre in immortality—The author of universal being seemed to speak to me through his Minister—the gathering tumult stood suspended You address not an ingrate returned I feebly I have walked in peace
life with my God and fain would I die so though surely to remember the wretch who precipitates me into eternity by a grief too pungent for endurance with charity or composure exceeds my ability If you have aught to reveal that may allay this irritation be truly generous in unfolding it—if otherwise present such images only to my mind as may drive from it that of a villain whose offences you cannot extenuate nor double the agonies even you cannot relieve It is my only intention madam replied he—Alas I would not probe your wounds even to heal them—If it is necessary to suffer ere we can feel believe me I want not even that power of sympathizing with you yet must I reconcile my divine and human character by vindicating the innocent while I soothe the unfortunate though even the wealth of nations could not tempt me for one moment to palliate guilt Have you courage to hear a letter given me in hopes of the present opportunity I
controuled myself and signed to him to read
In what words most injured most unfortunate of women shall the wretch who has unconsciously destroyed your peace and his own deprecate the wrath his very idea must occasion—Alas overwhelmed with grief horror despair every killing sensation guilt alone excepted his punishmeent is as acute as even malice could wish it
To fill up the measure of my afflictions I am informed that the blow which has robbed my soul of its dearest hope struck at your life—that even in the wildness of delirium your curses pursue me and you are ready to sink into the grave with unabated hatred—If returning recollection should ever enable you to read or hear these genuine dictates of a breaking heart do it madam I conjure you the late justice of an acquittal By the spotless spirit of the dear lost angel my fatal love deprived you of hear pity—if possible forgive me—Can you
for a moment believe I would have touched a life dear precious to me even as to yourself
The abandoned woman to whom heaven as a punishment for all my sins united me discovered by some unknown means those views I thought impenetrable and foreseeing in their completion her own disgrace and ruin she took a deadly means to save herself from both—Already but too familiar with poison and with death she found among the maids attending on my dear lost love one base enough to aid her in translating an angel too early to the skies To say that I hate detest and shun the execrable monster is surely needless—I even resign her to your justice nor do I wish to shelter myself from it if you still think me guilty
The last words of an expiring saint are not more ardent more sincere than those I now utter—Oh strive then to live madam nor let my agonized soul have the additional misfortune of shortening
ening your days and lingering under your curse
Alas of what importance are these late convictions—When a ball has gone through the heart we are incapable of heeding the quarter it comes from—
I could not however refuse credence to this letter and accusing myself of having hitherto perhaps wanted candor towards the author I acquitted myself to him by affording him my forgiveness
Nature ever shrinking from dissolution is easily recalled to a lingering sufferance but the exhausted soul no more can recover its powers The activity which once supported me was gone forever—
The venerable divine I have mentioned still watched over me and by the holiest consolations contended with the apathy into which I was sinking—But who could heal a heart broken by so many sorrows —That it was broken alone could console me Destined to turn my dim eyes around this vast globe without
findidg one object on which they could rest De Vere led them towards heaven he bade me remember that my treasure was only removed not taken wholly from me and that every passing day brought me nearer to recovering it
For the execrable woman who had to the ruin of her own soul murdered the only hope of mine I ventured not to imagine a punishment—I dared not trust myself with so dangerous a wish— No I consigned her to the God she had offended and he has even in this world fearfully avenged me
The pious De Vere shewed by preserving and restoring my jewels the equity of his nature and I made him such acknowledgments as must flatter his heart and establish his fortune As soon as I thought myself equal to the journey I resolved to retire to France that I might at least expire in peace and besought him to accompany me—Not able without ingratitude immediately to quit his patron he comforted me with the
hopes of soon partaking my voluntary exile
How unworthy the man who won the innocent heart of my translated angel ever was of it I had soon another convincing proof—Because I resisted the impulses of despair—because I listened to the dictates of virtue and religion and deigned to live out the days appointed by the Almighty his narrow soul began to believe mine susceptible of human consolation he dared to intrude upon me in the name of the King late offers of acknowledgment distinction fortune—Heavens how could either imagine I would owe aught to those I must alike look down upon—The very idea had well nigh disarranged my feeble faculties and destroyed the religious composure of my grief It however convinced me that no opposition would be made to my quitting that prison in which I left alas all worth enclosing—I launched once more into the immense world unknown—unindeared and willing to be so
My fever returned on my landing in France with the most mortal symptoms—Ah can I fail here to commemorate the second angel heaven sent to my assistance The arrival of the Embassador in his way toward England though at first an inconvenience in so narrow an asylum as an inn eventually prolonged my days His dear and lovely daughter was informed of my state—she indulged the sublime impulse of humanity which led her towards the bed where lay a forlorn wretch who appeared ready to draw her last breath in silent affliction She summoned her noble fathers physician whose skill relieved one it could not save—She even deigned to outstay the Embassador and by a glorious principle known only to superior natures began to love the wretch she succored A virtue so exemplary almost reconciled me to the world I am shortly to quit— Sweet Adelaide when in this faint portrait you survey yourself sigh for those decaying powers which cannot render it more striking
That my decline has been prolonged till this narrative is concluded I do not regret and by compliance I have evinced my sense of your friendship—I have now only to die—Yet alas it is with regret I present to your youthful eyes so melancholy a chart of my yoyage through life—Suffer it not to damp your hopes but rather let it blunt your sense of misfortune for have I not said already that consummate misery has a moral use in teaching the repiner at little evils to be juster to his God and himself—Glorious though inscrutable are all his ways and short as my time now is he has suffered me to see his righteous retribution Condemnation infamy and solitude are henceforth the portion of Somerset and his execrable Countess—A similar crime long buried in oblivion has been proved upon them without my having once disturbed the sacred ashes of my Mary An act so atrocious has broke the tye which bound De Vere to the Earl and I every day expect him I struggle to retain my last breath till I can give it up in his presence assured
that his superior soul will prepare my frail one for along hereafter and decently dispose of the mortal frame I soon must leave behind me
Dear and lovely friend you are now in England—Already perhaps your feet have trod lightly over those spots where my happiness withered—Ah if sensibility should lead you more thoughtfully to retrace them check every painful emotion by recollecting I shall then be past the power of suffering—Yet when your noble father reconducts you to the home you was born to embellish grant a little to the weakness of mortality and linger once more on the spot where we met the pious De Vere will there attend your coming—Accept from his hand the casket I bequeath and suffer him to lead you to the nameless grave where he shall have interred my ashes drop on it a few of those holy tears with which virtue consecrates misfortune then raise your eyes with those of your venerable conductor and in a better world look for MATILDA