WORKS of this kind are in general of so captivating a nature to young readers that let them run through but a few pages of almost any Novel → and they will feel their affections or curiosity so interested either in the characters or the events that it is with difficulty they can be diverted to any other study or
amusement till they have got to the end of the story
From the experience then of this species of attraction such sort of writings may be rendered by good and ingenious authors extremely serviceable to morals and other useful purposes of life—Place the magnet low and it will degrade our sentiments hold it high and it elevates them Imitation is natural to the human mind and as we copy those patterns best which we are most conversant with it depends upon the choice that
parents and preceptors make of such compositions to produce the best effect from this general sympathy—Tell me your company is a just adage but tell me your studies is as true a maxim
In the selection of proper pieces to assist toward so pleasing a method of instruction no inconsiderable part of the attention ought to be paid to the stile and language of the writers for it is certain that those who can best express their sentiments are those who conceive them best and the same idea delivered by a gentleman
will have double the effect to what it would have if uttered by his valet de chambre
All authors therefore of mean or illiberal education or stationed below the familiar converse of polite life should be wholly excluded from the sort of library I am here recommending Nor should any translations be admitted there though done from the originals by the best hands according to the phrase of their title pages—For there is a stiffness in the stile of all the publications of this kind I have
ever met with that constrains the ease and freedom of our language and impures it with a number of Gallicisms Italianisms c which even those who are allowed to be the best hands that have ever condescended to so servile an office find it impossible to avoid A work framed from ones own ideas is like learning to write from a copy a translation is like tracing the letters after the master has penciled them for us
If I have had any success in this or my former work of the same
kind it is owing more to accident than genius and may therefore be deemed rather fortunate than meritorious I have had a good deal of acquaintance with the world and have known many private memoirs and particular circumstances in life which has afforded me an opportunity of supplying both my characters and situations from the living drama instead of borrowing them from the mimic scene I felt as I wrote and lived along the line from the sympathy of friendship or the tenderness
of compassion This is contagious—I hope my readers may catch the infection also
For I shall think myself extremely happy if I can in any degree contribute towards forming or informing the young and innocent the task of reforming I leave to greater geniuses and abler pens The characters which present themselves in this work are as I have already hinted mostly drawn from real life they are therefore natural and proper objects either for imitation or avoidance
Virtuous and vicious every man must be
Few in th extreme but all in the degree
But when writers exceed the bounds of probability and describe an angel or a devil in human form our reason is shocked and revolts at the idea of a character so much above or below our nature the semblance of truth vanishes the readers attention becomes relaxed and both the events and the moral if there should be any
Fade like the baseless fabric of a vision
Nor leave a wreck behind
With such productions our circulating libraries those slopshops
in literature abound and with them must they still be filled till our legislature shall think proper to enable the booksellers to pay for better works by passing an act to secure their property in the copies they purchase till that is done no person in the trade can afford to pay a large sum for any manuscript be the merit of it what it will and of course no authors except the very poor ones indeed both in the literal and metaphorical sense of the word or the rich who form but a small squadron in the host of writers
will devote their time and labour to the public without hope of some adequate reward
Those who amongst our legions neither want nor abound have therefore but one way of contributing their mite to the Parnassian treasury that of publishing by subscription which in my estimation is at once both flattering and humiliating as it proves the attachment of our friends while it lays us under the painful necessity of taxing their regard
Happy and honoured as I have been by the favour of the public in general as well as by the kind partiality of my particular friends I shall ever be both proud and pleased to offer my present and future efforts to their indulgent candor upon any terms and to subscribe myself their
much obliged most grateful and obedient servant E G
Bangor Ferry
Remote unfriended melancholy slow
Where mountains rise and where rude waters flow
Where eer I go whatever realms I see
My heart untravelled fondly turns to thee
Still to my Fanny turns with ceaseless pain
And drags at each remove a lengthening chain
HOW much am I indebted to the author of these beautiful lines for having expressed my present feelings so much better than I could myself The address was originally made to a brother there can therefore be no impropriety
in applying them to a sister—and such a one as mine—
You desired me my Fanny to write to you from every stage—this is the first moment I have had to myself—one of Sir Williams most favourite maxims is that women should be treated like state criminals and utterly debarred the use of pen and ink—he says that
those who are fond of scribling are never good for any thing else that female friendship is a jest and that we only correspond or converse with our own sex for the sake of indulging ourselves in talking of the other
Why Sir William why will you discover such illiberal sentiments to one who has been so lately prevailed upon to
pronounce those awful words
love honor and obey
The fulfilling the two first articles of this solemn engagement must depend upon yourself the latter only rests on me and I will most sanctimoniously perform my part of the covenant
Yes my sister I will stifle the rising sigh and wipe away the wayward tear that steals involuntarily down my cheek from the fond recollection of those dear friends that I have left behind me Would to nature that the objects necessarily followed their affections or else retained them with themselves instead of suffering remembrance like a tyrant to pursue the unhappy traveller adding anxiety to fatigue and grief to danger
Sir William has met with some gentlemen of his acquaintance here he presented them to me and I could see that he seemed pleased at that sort of approbation which is expressed by looks at first sight of a person who happens to please us—there would be something flattering in this idea which I should wish to cherish if I did not fear that his pleasure arose more from vanity than affection—Yet why should I think so Has he not pursued me with unabated ardour near two years and triumphed over the repeated refusals of my friends and self by the most obstinate perseverance But might not vanity—be still thou restless busy perturbed spirit and no longer seek to investigate an humiliating cause for an event which is irrevocably past
These gentlemen then that I told you of are to join company with us for the remainder of our journey and voyage—there is one of them a Lord something I forgot his title who is just returned from making the grande tour his person is elegant I think him both in face and figure vastly like Colonel Stanford—I suppose this young nobleman will be the bon ton of this winter in Dublin it may therefore be of some use to a stranger as I shall be to be known to him I shall not however cultivate the present opportunity as I have left the room determined not to return on pretence of a headach in order to tell my dear Fanny what she already knows that I am her more than sister her affectionate and faithful friend
LOUISA BARTON
PS Love to my brother and to my dear Mary Granville but I charge you not to shew my letters even to either of them
Holyhead
WILL you not doubt my veracity Fanny when I tell you that three days spent in this dullest and most disagreeable of villages have not appeared tedious to me There is certainly a wonderful charm in variety of situations—every change produces a new assemblage of ideas and actuates the mind with curiosity comparison and inquiry
The wildness or even horror of this place for we have had a perpetual storm is so strongly contrasted with the mild scenes of Cleveland Hall or indeed any other part of England that I have seen that one would scarce think it possible for a few days journey to transport us into such extremes of the sublime and beautiful—
I am persuaded that all the inhabitants of Wales must be romantic—there never was any place appeared so like enchanted ground and the scenes shift upon you almost as quick as in a pantomime—from the stupendous bleak and barren hills of Cambria you are almost instantly transported into fertile and laughing vallies—There never was a richer and more beautiful view than
that of the Vale of Cluyd—I am not at at all surprised that poetry took its rise in this part of Britain the ancient Druids could not be at a loss for poetic images—every object they saw must have inspired them and exceeded both in beauty and wildness whatever sportive fancy could have invented or creative genius drawn forth from the storehouse of imagination
I think that even I seem to be possessed with a kind of poetic rapture while I describe these charming scenes but I will not anticipate the pleasure that I hope you will yourself receive from them next summer tho I already forestall the much higher delight I shall feel on seeing my dear Fanny at Southfield
Sir William has been in great spirits ever since we have been here and highly pleased at a very trifling mark of my obedience—he proposed riding out the morning after we came and though there was a high wind and a drizzling rain I made not the least objection to mounting one of the little Welsh palfreys and clambering up the hills at his request—our fellow travellers Lord Lucan and Colonel Walter accompanied us
I have described the former to you—the latter is remarkably handsome but with a peculiar expression in his countenance which is not the result of his features but seems to arise from the predominancy of a particular passion in his mind—in short it is that sort of expression
which has made you and me dislike so many handsome men
The Colonel is to be our neighbour in the country he is now going to Ireland to take possession of his estate and a seat in parliament for a borough he never saw—I am no politician or I should animadvert a little upon this subject This selfsame Colonel has just tapped at my door to tell me that the wind veers a little and that Sir William desires I will hold myself in readiness to embark I obey adieu my Fanny
LOUISA BARTON
PS I forgot to tell you that Lord Lucan was at Paris when we were there last year—he has made me smile two or
three times by his pathetic manner of lamenting his not knowing me then I tell him that he may date his acquaintance from what aera he pleases as our living together in an inn has brought on a greater intimacy in four days than almost as many years could have effected in the usual course of meeting at Operas Routes c But he sighs out a rueful O que non and the Colonel laughs to shew his white teeth and superior understanding—
I come Sir William adieu adieu—
Dublin
WHAT scenes of distress have I gone thro since I concluded my last letter to my dear Fanny We embarked aboard the pacquetboat with what they called a shifting gale and to do the captain justice he was unwilling to sail But Sir William and Colonel Walter were both impatient and their impetuosity as it generally does triumphed over our calmer reason—
We had not been three hours at sea before there arose so violent a storm that the captain said it was impossible for the ship to weather it six hours he was however mistaken for it continued six
and thirty—during which time we had been driven upon the northern coast of Ireland and it was then to be feared that we should beat to pieces on the rocks There was a great number of passengers on board and their groans and lamentations would have affected me extremely in any other situation but the violent and continued sickness which I suffered rendered me insensible even to my own danger nor did I feel the smallest emotion when Lord Lucan who had seldom left my bedside caught hold of my hand with a degree of wildness and pressing it to his lips said
We must perish—but we shall die together
The Captain had fired guns of distress upon our approaching the shore and a fishing boat came to our relief into
which the passengers crouded so fast that the gentlemen were obliged to draw their swords to prevent their sinking it How I got into the boat I know not but I found myself there rolled up in Lord Lucans rocquelaure and my head supported by Sir Williams knee—there were two other ladies in the boat with us the youngest of whom a Miss Leister seemed to be if possible worse than I—but I will not detain you longer in this scene of horror where we expected to be swallowed up by the waves that came rolling on us like moving mountains every moment till we reached the shore—
Behold us then landed upon what may almost be called a desert island for it is entirely surrounded by an arm
of the sea and uninhabited by every thing but a few goats and some fishermen who are almost as wild as they—It was about four o clock in the morning when we arrived at this dismal place and such a morning for darkness rain and wind I never saw
Neither Miss Leister nor I could stand much less walk and the gentlemen were obliged to carry us in their arms by turns for near two miles—till we arrived at some of the huts where the hospitable cottagers received us with that sort of surprize which I imagine we should feel if an order of higher beings were to descend by miracle to visit us—But be their kindness never forgot by me and may their beds of straw and smoaky rafters yield them
such soft and balmy sleep as they afforded to my harrassed frame and let them never envy those that toss on down
I did not wake till near ten in the morning which was then as mild as it had been tempestuous when I retired to rest Lord Lucan and Miss Leister were seated on a little bank withoutside the door of the cottage where I slept to prevent any person from disturbing me as soon as they heard me move Miss Leister came to offer her assistance in dressing me—she smiling said that breakfast was prepared for me in a large drawingroom and under the finest canopy she had ever seen then led me by the hand to the bank where she had been sitting—I was surprized to see tea there which tho made in wooden
vessels appeared to me more delicious than any that I had ever drank out of the finest Dresden china—
Lord Lucan told me that Sir William the rest of the gentlemen and Mrs Layton who is Miss Leisters aunt were gone to reconnoitre la carte du paï de la terre inconnuë ou nons etions—and that now he had seen me so happily recovered he woud try to join them—
I found that another boat had arrived from the ship and that our servants and a part of our baggage were come—when my poor Benson saw me she cried for joy and indeed nothing but the state of insensibility in which I quitted the vessel could have made me leave her behind—
Upon enquiring we were told that there were neither horses or carriages of any kind to be had to convey us out of the island but that we might cross in a boat to a piece of land that lay opposite to one side of it which when we reached was eight miles from any town or village As soon as I had changed my cloaths Miss Leister and I set out to meet or overtake our company to confer about the difficulties of our sad situation
I will bring you acquainted with Miss Leisler in my next letter and for the present I will call her Lucy for I am sure I shall love her and in that case I hate the formality of Miss—
Suppose us now to have walked about a mile and a half without discovering
any object but the sea which surrounded us when to our great delight we spied land tho still divided from us by a gulph we thought impassable We stood however on the shore inventing a thousand impracticable schemes to cross this tremendous Hellespont but never once thought of the only possible one tho we had been told of it We at last grew weary of indulging our visions and Lucy who I find is extremely romantic said that were she in my situation she could with the utmost pleasure think of passing her days on the spot we were thrown on for that the constant presence of the beloved object must render any place an Eden to her—I told her that if we were fated to remain there that either Lord Lucan or Colonel Walter would I hoped make this spot
a paradise to her on her own plan She wiped away a starting tear and said that was impossible—
At that instant a new object roused our attention we perceived a gentleman well mounted and attended by a couple of servants on the opposite shore Lucy put up a most fervent ejaculation that he might have knighterrantry enough to cross the river and rescue us from our melancholy situation her prayer was heard—he swam his horse across the flood and Lucy called him a second Leander He came up to us with infinite politeness and address and told us that the mail which had been put on shore with us had been forwarded to his father who was the next justice of peace and lived about twelve miles from
thence that by that means he became acquainted with our distress and had sent his carriage as far as the roads were passable with a number of saddle horses to bring us to his house
I confess I was charmed with this instance of hospitality and generosity I hope I should have been as much pleased with it had I only heard it related without having benefited by it—There is nothing affects my heart so much as benevolent actions I will flatter myself that this is owing to a natural sympathy—We made all the acknowledgments that our joy would permit and walked or rather ran back to our cottage with the stranger where we met our company and many more of the passengers who had come in the second boat from the ship—
Mr Mathewess servants were by this time come up to us and opened two large baskets of provisions cold meats wine tea c Every person seemed surprised and overjoyed while universal gladness diffused itself through our little colony—Lucy appeared almost frantic with delight—the common occurrences of life appear like enchantment to some minds—but there was an elegant simplicity mingled with her transports that rendered them extremely pleasing—
I have now my dearest Fanny delivered you from the painful anxiety you must have suffered from the first part of my letter my next I hope shall transport you to more pleasing scenes In the mean time rest assured that thro every
change of circumstance or situation I shall remain unalterably yours
I long to hear from you pray tell me have you heard from the continent and how and where Lord Hume now is
FOR the present I will continue my letters journalwise as Miss Byron calls it but I cannot for my life be circumstantial and carry you up and down stairs to the parlour the drawingroom the harpsicord the cardtable c c c
Suppose us then to have crossed the so much dreaded arm of the sea with some difficulty and less danger that we have performed our twelve miles journey thro rugged roads and over hills and dales and are at last safely arrived at Mr Mathewess very handsome seat welcomed by him and his lady and a very numerous family of sons and daughters grown up to men and womens estate
On our entrance we were shewn into a room where there was a table laid with all kinds of breakfasts that could be pleasing or necessary to the sick or healthful appetite and were informed that there were beds prepared for any of the company who might require rest after their fatigue This offer was declined by us all for the present but the
whole company which amounted to eighteen ladies and gentlemen besides servants accepted Mr Mathewess invitation to spend that day and night at his house except Colonel Walter who said he would go on to Newry the next great town and send us carriages from thence—
From the first notion that you could conceive of our generous hosts you must believe that we were politely and elegantly entertained but neither your idea nor my description can do justice to their hospitality they have given me the most favourable impressions of this country on my first entering it but even Sir William who is partial to his native land says I am not to expect a whole nation of such—fools I think he said
—heigh ho this is my only comment—
The manners and behaviour of this worthy and amiable family were expressive of the sincerest pleasure at having had it in their power to relieve our distress—may they or theirs never know any Lucy was in raptures with the young ladies both she and I flatter ourselves with a prospect of much pleasure from a future intimacy with Mrs Mathewes and her daughters
Next morning our carriages a coach and four and several postchaises arrived and we took a grateful and affectionate leave of our kind hosts Our journey had nothing remarkable in it except Colonel Walters waiting for us at the
first stage we came to which considering the hurry he affected when he left us was rather an overstrained piece of politeness arising I imagine from a supposition that his company was of some consequence to the party
And perhaps he is not mistaken—Lucys aunt Mrs Layton a good agreeable and well jointured relict about six and thirty seems to admire him much—she speaks Italian badly—he is master of the language and she is for ever applying to him to correct her pronounciation—who knows but he may find pleasure in instructing so hopeful a pupil—
The Colonel is what is called a womans man he has lived a good deal
abroad and has a superficial knowledge of almost every science—his head may be aptly enough compared to the drawer of a ladys writing cable which contains a little of every thing—I have this moment looked into mine to see if the allusion is just Its contents are a miniature picture of Sir William with a slight crack in the enamel and the catch that fastens the bracelet broken—my housekeepers accounts—a little billet from Lucy—a French song that the Colonel gave me—some scented sealing wax—writing paper—message cards—and a pocket book with scissars penknife pencil blank leaves c—I do really think that this farrago of materials conveys a very expressive image of what I would describe—I hope you will think so too and henceforward acknowlege the Colonel as an acquaintance—
I promised in my last to give you a sketch of my Lucy but I find I am not equal to the task for even in her outward appearance there is a variability that renders it almost impossible to draw an exact resemblance of her at some times you would think that her form and face were designed to personify Vivacity—
Dip in the rainbow trick her off in air
At other times a soft melancholy usurps the place of gaiety so that at different aeras she may pass alternately for a Melpomene or a Thalia yet she is agreeable under both these characters and I by no means think her temper changeable but am rather inclined tho sorry to believe that these transitions are
rather the effect of peculiar circumstances than natural constitution—
I know she is in love—but I should suppose that to be rather a consistent passion where the flame is mutual and I should be tempted almost to despise her or any other woman in the world who continued still to love without sympathy—for true love is a passion of that extraordinary nature as some author has well expressed it that it requires the felicity of two persons to render one happy—Without being positively handsome the men all like her she has good eyes hair and teeth a lively tho not a fine complexion and a form that may justly be stiled elegant tho small—
And now my dear Fanny let me speak of and to yourself It is above
a month since I left London I have been a fortnight in Dublin and have not received a single line from you or any of the other dear friends I parted from in Doverstreet—They tell me something about contrary winds—for my own peace I will believe them but if I am to remain in this island much longer under such suspence I shall be tempted to sell my jewels and send the money to Lapland to purchase I know not whether it is to be an easterly or a westerly wind—but it shall be a fair gale to waft your letters to me—for the story of Aeolus and Ulysses you know is quite an arrant fiction
Your impatient but truly affectionate LOUISA BARTON
Doverstreet
I Received my dear sisters two letters from Wales together and am pleased to find that you illustrate your own remark on the good effects which change of objects produce upon our minds I have always thought that in the separation of two persons who love each other the one who is left is by far the greatest sufferer The mind in spite of us must necessarily in some degree accompany or rather attend upon the body and while that is in motion it feels a kind of rotation also—
Beaux banish beaux and coaches coaches drive
And now I talk of coaches I have never
set my foot in ours since you left London I begin to think that this is carrying the idea of locality too far and will therefore order it to set me down at the playhouse this evening
Your description of SouthBritain has encreased my curiosity but not my desire of travelling through it—for what can augment my wishes to see you Your first letter affected me extremely—Oh beware of a propensity to unhappiness my much loved sister Sir William has a roughness in his manner which I really believe to be more owing to an illiberal education than a coarse mind—I say illiberal tho I know he was bred at a college—learning and science may be there acquired but alas I fear the professors of universities do not attend
much to les petites morales—There are many men weak enough to imagine that an affectation of contempt for the understandings of women is proof sufficient of the superiority of their own—but these persons ought never to marry for we can neither love those we despise nor those who seem to despise us—But I am far from imagining this to be Sir Williams case I know he both loves and esteems my Louisa though he be deficient in that sort of galant address which might better inable him to shew his sentiments—But how few husbands are there after all even in what is stiled polite life who seem to think such an attention necessary I affirm it to be absolutely so—for they must be sad philosophers indeed who mistake the possession of a treasure for the enjoyment of it but I will not
forgive your trifling with your own happiness by seeming to doubt a fact on which alone it can be founded
I am glad you have happened to meet with the gentlemen you mention—Agreeable society is always pleasing to a rational mind but more particularly so when there is any little difficulty danger or fatigue to encounter and notwithing your flourishing description of Wales I cannot help thinking that a journey thro it must be attended in some degree with those slight evils I have mentioned—
My brother has been remarkably grave ever since you left us but I will not flatter you by imputing his reserve intirely to your absence—his Delia his beloved Miss Colville is going to France
with her ridiculous mother—and ill used as my sensible brother has been by that absurd widow I have no doubt but he will be weak enough to follow her daughter there and leave poor solitary me to pass the winter tout seul in Doverstreet
I have told him and I really believe it that Mrs Colville has no exception either to his person rank or fortune tho she will never consent to his marrying her daughter but I am persuaded that she would most readily accept of him herself—Sir George cannot help smiling when I talk in this strain tho he affects to be displeased at what he calls my folly
I know you will expect that I should say something of myself—Alas Louisa
my history like poor Violas‡ is a blank I have not received a line from Lord Hume since I saw you my apprehensions for his health and safety are however relieved by a letter his sister had from him dated at Sienna a few days ago—
I will believe for his sake as well as my own that he has written to me—a letter may miscarry I have often heard that the posts upon the continent are not so regular as ours—I will believe any thing but—that he has forgotten me—Is this philosophy or vanity and is my opinion of his constancy founded on his merits or my own I ask questions without wishing to have them resolved
—Adieu my only confidante my much loved sister
adieu
PS Sir Georges best affections along with mine wait on Sir William and our dear Louisa Mary Granville is at Bath with her aunt
London
WHY surely my dear Louisa you intend to publish your travels and to push Madame de Scuderi from the shelf she has so long usurped in a lady• library—What a sweet romance is yours what hairbreadth scapes what amazing perils by sea and by land what imminent danger of passing your life on
a desolate island which by the way would I fear had you remained there have become a dissolute one for I dont find that you had a parson among ye and I have doubts whether the colonel and the widow would have waited till another shipwreck might have sent you a Jonas—as to Lucy and Lord Lucan to be sure they would have remained in a state of perfect purity and Sir William and you are already joined in the holy bands of matrimony—So that upon a fair calculation I do not think that your community would have been worse than the rest of this habitable globe for one couple of delinquents in three is as little as can be expected even in the island of saints of which you are happily now become an inhabitant or in the territories
of his holiness the pope where all should be perfect
But a truce with Badinage and be assured my dear sister that I felt for your distresses and sincerely rejoice at your safe arrival in Dublin I both love and admire tho not without a little mixture of envy your generous hosts What extreme pleasure must they have received from such a noble exercise of their benevolence and hospitality
All girls build castles mine have been always situated on a seacoast and in them have I often received shipwrecked princesses and drowning heroes I have chafed their temples and rubbed their hands for whole hours and when my great care and humanity have brought
them back to this world of woes they have repaid my pains by a faithful recital of their doleful adventures—I once fell in love with a man I never saw for the same sentiment†—I did not then imagine I should ever have so near and dear a connection as my Louisa involved in the reality of such a dreadful situation and now may heaven be praised for my loved sisters preservation
I like your description of the Colonel much—one knows abundance of table drawers tho not all as well furnished as yours—but I do not much like the character—smatterers in science are generally triflers in every thing—that same want of stability which prevents their being master of any art like a shake in
marble runs thro the whole block and lessens the value of every part—I should not like such a man either as a friend or lover tho he may perhaps be an agreeable acquaintance
I am much more charmed with your Lucy your little pocket Iris I hope she always wears changeable silks and alters them from grave to gay according to the complexion of the day—I did not mean to rhyme as you may see by my mode of writing—I agree with you that those transitions you mention may possibly be owing rather to particular circumstances than a peculiar inconsistency of mind—the latter would render her contemptible the former entitles her to our tenderness and love I think even from the slight account you
have given of her there must be a charming frankness in her manner which is one of the first qualities I would seek for in a friend Life is not long enough but were I an antediluvian I should not think it worth while to seek for a heart that is wrapped up in a hundred and fifty envelopes—Un coeur serré would disgust me tho the possessor of it had ten thousand amiable qualities
I think that your misfortunes with regard to the storm like most other disasters have been productive of some good by bringing you acquainted with Miss Leister—But what have you done with Lord Lucan when the pencil and pallet were in your hands why lay them by without giving a sketch of him I should fancy from his rueful O que non
that there were traits of character sufficient to mark him by—if so I desire you will resume your new calling and let me have a full length of his lordship by the next post
Sir George as I guessed actually intends to set out for Paris in a fortnight—I am strongly tempted to accompany him Louisa—I should then be on the same continent nay perhaps in the same city with Lord Hume for as his route is not absolutely determined I think it is most likely that he will pass the winter in Paris as I know it is his favourite city—But then—may not my delicacy be wounded by its being said or even thought that I pursued him thither and to what end if his heart as I much fear be already estranged
will my presence recal it ah no to what then should I expose myself to be slighted by the man I love—O never never in woods and deserts let me rather dwell and hide my woes in solitude—
I now wish I had gone with you to Ireland—and yet I should not chuse to be farther removed from that blessed spot where ere it be for at present I know not that holds my happiness—perhaps my misery How can you say Louisa that love is a consistent passion alas you know it not ten thousand contradictory wishes are born and perish in my mind in the same moment—and yet there was a time when you my sister used to blame my calmness and upbraid me with having too much philosophy—
where is that calmness that philosophy fled to now Oh let me once more woo them to my breast and be what I then was your happy as well as affectionate sister
PS You will perceive by this long epistle that I have received both your letters from Dublin—I do not my dear expect two for one but the first came last night when I happened to be out and the last arrived this morning—You may also perceive I began my letter with an affected gayeté de coeur and ended it in real sadness—I had determined not to mention Lord Hume but my brothers coming into my dressingroom and telling me of his going to Paris threw me off my guard—excuse my weakness my loved my dear Louisa
Dublin
INdeed my dear Fanny your last letter has hurt me sensibly—I cannot express the tender concern I feel for your sufferings—yet with that frankness we both so much admire I will confess that I am on this occasion conscious of the force of Rochfaucaults selfish maxim
In the distresses of our best friends we find something that does not displease us
Horrid adage yet how true when I cannot help rejoicing that I have never felt the passion of Love in the extreme that you seem to do—I have ever thought that love like friendship could only be founded on
the amiable qualities of its object and that with them it must because it ought decay—How often have you and I laughed at the persevering passion of Miss B— when we knew that Lord M— despised her—But the little tyrant has taken ample vengeance upon you—Heaven shield me from his resentment
I am however far from doubting Lord Humes constancy or love to my sweet Fanny and my opinion is founded on your charms rather than his merits—yet grant him to be all you can wish surely it is a miserable state to have our happiness so totally dependent upon any human being that our not hearing from them for a few days or weeks shall render us totally wretched and create such a fever in the mind, as you
describe and I tremble at Heavens what a wretch should I be were I possessed of this tormenting passion I am certain Sir William has no more idea of it than of a sixth sense—how would the roughness and asperity of his manners which are now scarce sufferable then wound me to the heart
Rejoice with me my Fanny—at what not at my want of sensibility for sure I think not even you have more—and can I be delighted then at not having found in Sir William an object to awaken it O no I fear I ought rather to lament than exult in my present torpid state—but still I have a subject for my tenderness my much loved dearest sister Come to me then my Fanny and I will soothe your sorrow will listen
to your soft complainings and share each pang that wounds your gentle heart
I was alarmed at the first part of your last letter your treating the distresses I went thro ludicrously was not like my Fanny and when we stray so far out of ourselves there must be some particular cause which we would wish to conceal that occasions our acting or speaking out of character—you were unhappy and did not wish that I should know it But let not even that sort of pious fraud be ever practised between us more—You may write freely your letters are sacred no eye but my own will ever see them Sir William is satisfied with our correspondence and says he is sure we shall both be tired of it in three months—I will venture to say he is mistaken in us both—
And so my brother is a stricken deer also and is setting off on a wildgoose chace after Miss Colville surely two victims to love in one family are quite sufficient and don Cupid will I flatter myself let the third go free—
Fantastick tyrant of the amrous heart
How hard thy yoke how cruel is thy dart
Those scape thy anger who refuse thy sway
And those are punished most who most obey
For heavens sake Fanny if you have not by this time received a volume of billet doux from Lord Hume get up your spirits break at once into open rebellion against him and the little purblind deity fly to me and try whether an Hibernian swain cannot make you amends for his loss—I am persuaded that it is possible to shake off an ill placed affection but I am afraid by saying so I may offend you however I shall
let the sentiment pass since tis written and you are welcome to make as free with it as you please and perhaps may say with the philosopher Boyle
that to undertake the cure of a lover is perhaps the next weakness to that of being one
I perceive myself falling into the very error which I reprehend in you that of affecting to treat your distresses lightly but believe me my Fanny that I lay a restraint on myself in doing so and feel them not the less—Chearfulness and dissipation are the only remedies for a wounded mind and if I can make you smile even at my folly my end will be answered
You will I dare say discover that this letter has been written at different
aeras—morning visitors are a pest that rages in all cities but is I think more violent here than in any place I ever was in except Bath—There is some excuse for this intemperate desire of gadding there as the use of the waters forbids all sedentaty amusements and a game of Neighbour Im come to torment you may be conducive to health—but here without temptation or excuse the ladies make it a rule to pass their mornings in any ones house but their own and would almost persuade one that they can neither read write work houswife or pray—
Exclusive of this grand mal I like the people and country extremely—there is an air of freedom chearfulness and affability that runs thro all the better
sort of men and women and inclines you to like them even at first sight Rien qui gene rien serré—we may be allowed to speak of a people in this language who seem to resemble the French more than any of their nearer neighbours—The old Irish families stile themselves Milesians from Milesius a Spaniard who brought over a colony of his countrymen to people the island—But I should think from their manners as I hinted at before that they were originally derived rather from the French—I hate all national reflections but they seem not to have any thing of the Spanish character among them
The court which is called the Castle here is extremely agreeable as well as brilliant both in beauty and finery—
it abounds particularly with the former—I think I never saw so many handsome women together in any place as I have seen here on a ball night—Beauty is not however so general in this kingdom as in England it is chiefly confined to the higher ranks of life while there I have observed that it was most frequently met with in the middling and lower classes—
I have run this letter into such an extravagant length that tho I am very well inclined to proceed in the picturesque stile and give you an idea of lord Lucan en gros which is certainly as much as I can venture to pretend to at present I find my paper has circumscribed me within the limits of the smallest miniature and as my art cannot yet rise to
the nicer touches requisite to that small scale I shall begin his portrait on a new sheet next post in the mean time this will barely allow me to assure you that my affection and tenderness are if possible encreased by the unhappiness of my ever dear Fanny
LOUISA BARTON
Miss Leister is highly pleased with the title you have given her and says she will charge all her poetic swains to celebrate her henceforward by the name of Iris
MY dear Louisas agreeable melange gave me infinite pleasure as I am very certain it is an exact representation of her soft yet lively mind—I am sorry the gloomy picture I sent of my own affected you even transiently—Lovers my dear are a strange inconsistent race of mortals their pains and pleasures so totally dependant upon trifling accidents and yet so exquisite that they are scarcely to be considered as rational beings—You who are not of the sighing tribe will be amazed when I tell you that at the time I received the effusions of your sympathetic tenderness I had almost forgotten the source
of my own distress and could have cried out with Orestes
I never was unhappy—
After this I think I need not tell you that I had just then received a letter from Lord Hume He is well and kind my sister but alas he talks of spending three years on his tour—We are both young tis certain but three years are three centuries in a lovers calendar—and should he hold his purpose I should fancy myself old as a Sybil or as Cybele before that time may elapse—
Tho I detest the maxim you have quoted from Rochfoucault I do not blame you for rejoicing in your own ease and tranquility but you surely might
do so though I were not in love—and yet perhaps the idea of your own felicity would not have struck you so strongly if you had not then thought me miserable They say it is in sickness that health is only valued I fear there is a certain perverseness in human nature that enhances the value of every blessing from the privation of it—I had conceived an idea here but fear I have not sufficiently expressed it but what I mean is that as a friend is a second self you have had the happy occasion of comparing the good and ill together without the sad experience of the latter
You see I am becoming a philosopher again—but alas Louisa my philosophy is literally the sport of chance for I confess that the only happiness I am at present
capable of enjoying is absolutely dependant on winds tides postboys and a thousand other wayward contingencies
I very sincerely join with you in wishing since you have not yet that you may never feel the passion of love in an extreme degree for I am firmly persuaded that it does not contribute much to the happiness of the female world—and yet Louisa I will frankly tell you that I am extremely grieved at some hints you have dropped in your letters which speak a want of affection for Sir William—It is dangerous to sport with such sentiments you should not suffer them to dwell even upon your own mind much less express them to others—we ought not be too strict in analyzing the characters of those we wish to love—
if we once come to habituate ourselves to thinking of their faults it insensibly lessens the person in our esteem and saps the foundation of our happiness with our love—
I am perfectly convinced that you have fallen into this error from want of reflection and through what is called une maniere de parler for I will not suppose that my Louisa tho persuaded by her friends and solicited most earnestly by Sir William gave him her hand without feeling in her heart that preference for his person and esteem for his character which is the surest basis for a permanent and tender affection—
I almost condemn myself for the severity of this stricture but my Louisas
happiness is of too much consequence to mine to pass over an error that may destroy it unnoticed before she is aware We are all wiser for others than ourselves but let this pretence to sagacity be pardoned by an elder sister as proceeding from the tenderest affection of hers
most truly F CLEVELAND
PS Sir George holds his purpose and sets out in two days—I shall not accompany him nor can I at present accept of your kind and soothing invitation I mean that in the first part of your letter—I abominate your volatile idea of an Hibernian or any other swain as a remedy for hapless love—Adieu my Louisa and forgive me the matronly airs I have
assumed in this letter for I shall think myself extremely happy if in the future correspondence of our lives I do not make you more than amends by affording you in your turn many opportunities of appearing as much wiser than I as you are in reality—
INDEED my Fanny I rejoice in your happiness tho I cannot help feeling that I am a sufferer by it for if you had not received a very kind letter from Lord Hume you would not in all probability have had spirits sufficient to have written an unkind one to me—You are my dear sister perfectly acquainted
with every sentiment of my heart therefore to repeat what you already know is needless But in my own justification I must hold up a portrait to your view which from a very short absence you seem to have forgotten
By the loss of the best of parents I became my own mistress before I was seventeen—my brother who is three years elder than I was then returned from the university and set out almost immediately on his travels I then looked up to him as the sole stay both of your youth and mine and tho my fathers indulgence had rendered us all independent of each other I firmly resolved never to marry without the consent and approbation of Sir George—
Young as you were you may remember that during the time we passed at my aunt Marriots in Wiltshire there were several proposals of marriage made to me and among the rest Sir William offered me his hand but as my heart was by no means engaged by any of the persons who honoured me with their addresses I adhered to my first plan and referred them all to my brothers decision—as there had been no time fixed for Sir Georges return most of those who called themselves my lovers withdrew—but Sir William either more enamoured or more artful than the rest set out immediately for Naples where my brother then was and by conciliating his esteem obtained his consent which he pretended was all that was wanting to complete his happiness—
When my brother wrote to us to meet him at Paris I was transported at the thoughts of seeing him after a two years absence but did not once reflect upon his motive for sending for us nor did I even know that Sir William Barton was to be one of the party—Sir Williams galantry in coming from Paris to meet us at Dover flattered my vanity I will c•nfess the continuance of his assiduities during our stay in France confirmed my brothers opinion of his passion for me—But alas I was still incapable of making any other return to his attentions than what mere politeness exacted from me
How often have my brother Sir William and you seemed to doubt my sincerity when I have declared I knew not
what love was and O how fatal has that inexperience been to my peace since Yes Fanny your sister is a wretch and gave away her hand before she knew she had a heart to transfer—
Yet this I am convinced of that had Sir William persevered perhaps a few months longer in wishing still to obtain that heart it might I doubt not have been all his own But can it now bestow itself unsought and trembling yield to harshness and unkindness Impossible The little rebel owns as yet no lord and it may breck but it will never bow beneath a tyrants frown
There never was any persons behaviour so altered as Sir Williams—I perceived a visible change in his manners
before we left London but it has gone on in a blessed gradation ever since and is at length arrived at the ne plus ultra of matrimonial disgust—I shall tell you a short story by way of instancing the uncouthness of my present situation with regard to him—Sir William is naturally humane at least he used to seem so—I was applied to by a wretched family tenants of his own who had lost their intire substance by fire—I immediately took ten guineas out of my purse to pay my charity when he with the most supercilious air imaginable took hold of my hand bid me put up my money and not meddle with matters that I did not understand—said I was rather too young for a Lady Bountiful yet and that if I went on at that rate they would fire every cottage on his lands and he
should be run into a goal by my generosity I stood amazed at this harangue—however I obeyed my husband by putting up the money but made Benson convey it to the poor sufferers as from a third person while they with transports of gratitude acknowleged their having received twenty pounds from Sir William tho forbidden to reveal his bounty to his steward or any of his family on pain of his displeasure
Now prythee tell me Fanny if you do not consider this as an instance of a peculiar sort of perverseness Why should he wish to restrain me from the virtuous pleasure of bestowing charity or endeavour to persuade me that he was totally devoid of it himself Chide me no longer my sister for what is much more
my misfortune than my fault—and what a misfortune at my time of life to look forward to a length of years that must necessarily pass away
Joyless loveless unindeared
May you be happier far dissipation must now be my resource tis all that I have left—what a slight and worthless counterpoise for domestic felicity
I will change the subject We are to spend the Christmas at Southfield—Lord Lucan Colonel Walter and my Lucy are to accompany us—next to yourself she is the most agreeable companion I could have met with—her mind is as delicate as her form—and I can see that she is frequently hurt at the roughness of Sir Williams manners tho
she takes infinite pains to conceal her feelings from me on such occasions—I once wished that Colonel Walter would have fallen in love with her that I might have had the happiness of her living near me in the country but I am now convinced that they were not formed to make each other happy and that she woud have refused him had he been an emperor
She has made me her confidante—she loves and is beloved by one of the most charming men in the world yet the odds are many against their ever being united—I often tell her I envy her situation for surely there is something infinitely delightful in suffering for or with an amiable person whom we love—it almost equals the happiness of sharing their good fortune
I am sorry I did not sketch out Lord Lucans portrait while I was in the vein but he is now so much altered that my former idea of him would bear no resemblance to what he appears at present—From the extreme of gaiety he is fallen into a profound gravity and sometimes appears gloomy and distrait—It is impossible to account for this change as he is much liked and admired by every one who knows him and I cannot conceive him to be in love as he is hardly ever absent from our coterie and I have never observed the least particularity in his behaviour or address to any member of it tho there are a number of pretty and agreeable women in our circle
The Colonel perceives the alteration as well as I and seems to hint as if his
sagacity could discover the cause of it but I have never given him the least encouragement to reveal his friends secret and I almost hate him for affecting to triumph over him—I have another reason for disliking the Colonel which I will not at present communicate even to you—he continues to court Mrs Layton but I will not take upon me to say they will be married tho I am sure it would make her very miserable to doubt it
There is an orphan niece of Sir Williams a very lovely girl at a boarding school here—I have endeavoured to prevail on him to let her live with us—She is near fifteen which in my mind renders her present situation extremely improper and indeed I have a particular dislike to a boardingschool education for
girls at any age as they must necessarily contract from it two qualities that I detest formality and insincerity—Harriet Westly has just written to her uncle to second my request and he has complied with it tho in his ungracious manner by adding an observation by way of codicil to his consent
That two women in a house are two too many—
Perhaps Sir William only meant to be witty and not illnatured—a play upon words is apt to dazzle those who cannot play with them—I am glad Colonel Walter was not by when this ingenious remark was made as he seems to take a particular pleasure in repeating Sir Williams bon mots—
As the scene I am engaged in is not extremely active my dear Fanny must be contented with letting me fill my paper with such trivial and domestic occurrences as may arise from day to day nor must she expect order or connection in any of my letters—I write at every leisure moment and am perhaps interrupted ten times in the filling of a page—You are very differently situated mistress of your leisure and yourself and I cannot forgive your barely mentioning events in which you know I am extremely interested as they relate to a brother and a sister whom I can never cease to love and therefore I can readily pardon your reprehending the weakness the indiscretion—call it any thing but a fault of your affectionate
LOUISA BARTON
PS I know not whether I told you before that Lord Hume and Lord Lucan are intimately acquainted
BELIEVE me my ever dear Louisa when I tell you that my heart feels at this moment the tenderest sympathy with yours and most truly resents the unhappiness of your situation I will chide no more my sister but henceforward endeavour to sooth those sorrows which I cannot cure—Dissipation as you say must be your course any thing is better than brooding over irremediable evils yet great are the hazards which a young and beautiful married woman has
to run who enters too deeply into a life of gaiety—the grave part of the world will censure her conduct as arising from the levity of her mind and the dissolute will form schemes for the destruction of that innocence which is the only true foundation and support of chearfulness or vivacity—
Beware of artful men my dear sister I cannot help it I will tell you all my sears they may be nay I hope they are quite vain But I will confess I do not like your intimacy either with Lord Lucan or Colonel Walter—I am persuaded that you have not the least apprehension from your connection with them but remember Louisa
The dangers that we see are easily prevented but those strike surest that come unexpected
like lightning which we view and feel at once—
I am much pleased that Sir Williams niece is to live with you there is a something flattering even to virtue in having a constant witness to approve our conduct at least I think we should be more at ease more selfassured in any trial with a companion than when left alone—
Not that I think my sister so to seek or so unprincipled in virtues book
to need a guard save her own purity—
I remember poor Sterne used to say that all the mischief which was done in this great city was brought about by morning têteatêtes—which must be unavoidable without a female inmate and she should always be a near relation—On
this principle I think you extremely lucky in having Miss Westly for an eleve—as her presence will be a perpetual guard against another danger you have to fear the envenomed tongue of Slander—
The house is an uproar what can be the matter Sir George is returned—I fly to him—
O Louisa my heart is in rent in pieces I have seen my brother almost distracted his manly face bedewed with flowing tears Miss Colville is dead she died at Amiens of a three days fever—my brother met her hearse at Dover—I fear Louisa he will never recover this sad stroke—Sweet Delia I may say with the Queen in Hamlet—
I thought thy
bridebed to have decked sweet maid and not have strewed thy grave
I cannot write more my tears blind me—you know that I most truly loved this dear departed saint her brutal mother is gone on to Paris would she and her whole race had perished in her stead—My brothers bell rings adieu adieu my sister
MY dearest Fanny your letter has affected me more than I can express I am indeed most truly grieved for my brother for the sweet Delia and yourself—yet why lament for her whose
state I envy her life was innocence her death was •arly would mine had been so too—Young as she was she yet had tasted sorrow her mothers cruelty in first accepting Sir Georges proposals for her and then rejecting him without a cause preyed on her tender heart she loved him Fanny and he deserved her passion—her death has sealed his constancy her merits nay her beauties are graved upon his heart in their full lustre they will remain for ever undiminishd in his memory and bloom before him from the silent tomb My dearest brother how my heart bleeds for thine
I would write to him Fanny but fear to encrease his grief by mentioning the cause—you will be watchful over his distress till times lenient power shall
blunt the arrows of disastrous love and soften its sharp pangs to gentle melancholy why am I not with you to share this tender office alas why am I not any where but where I am
O my sister
I could a tale unfold
—but I will not add to your present distress nor take off your attention from that dear brother to whom it may be useful to bestow it on one to whom it cannot be of service but who will ever be with the tenderest affection to Sir George and you a faithful
friend and sister LOUISA BARTON
PS As soon as my spirits will permit I shall reply to the first part of your
last letter—I will not now my Fanny insist on regular answers as I am sure you will devote every moment of your time to our dear mourner But if any extraordinary particular relative to poor Delia shoud come to your knowledge pray acquaint me with it
I Now sit down to thank my dearest Fanny for the kind caution she gave me in the first part of her last letter I will try if possible to forget the melancholy conclusion of it and reply only to what relates to myself—I have had Harriet Westley with me for some days and find as much comfort in her innocent and chearful society as my unhappy
situation will admit But alas she is incapable of administering either consolation or advice to me her knowledge of the world is even less than mine nor would I for that world render her wretched by reposing the distresses of my perturbated mind in her soft bosom—O Fanny there is neither friend nor confidante for a married woman who does not find them both in her husband
I am almost afraid to communicate my thoughts to you yet why for they are innocent—but letters may miscarry a thousand accidents bring them to light and oft undo the peace of the poor writer—but I have nought to lose my peace is fled your apprehensions are but too well sounded I am in the most imminent
danger from my acquaintance with Colonel Walter—but as Isabella says
Danger Claudio tis here and every where our forced companion the rising and the setting sun beholds us environed with it our whole lifes a journey ending in certain ruin
Woud mine were come to the last stage
I told you before that Lord Lucan was extremely altered from gay to grave and that Colonel Walter affected to know the cause of this sudden transition and repeatedly offered to acquaint me with it which I constantly declined and turned it off with raillery—
I will confess to you that I before suspected what the Colonel meant to inform me of Women are generally too quick sighted
in these matters and I by no means wished to have my doubts upon this subject confirmed I observed that whenever Lord Lucan was present the Colonel used to strive to sit as near me as possible and frequently whisper nothing in my ear then laugh as if he had said something smart and lively I have often looked grave and sometimes silly on these occasions but could not divine the meaning of this absurd behaviour till this morning—
I was at work in my dressingroom and Harriet reading to me when Lucy came in—I could visibly discover that something had affected or ruffled her mind and therefore made a pretence to send Harriet out of the room—As soon as she was gone Lucy burst into tears
and drew a letter out of her pocket which she had just received from Colonel Walter she made a thousand apologies for putting it into my hands but said she knew not how to act upon so nice and critical an occasion—the contents were as follow
Dear Madam
THE friendship you profess for Lady Barton of which I can no more doubt the sincerity than my own to you inclines me to acquaint her through such a proper medium of an affair which I think of some consequence to her but of which she at present seems wilfully ignorant through I dare say you and every other person who knows her except Sir William have long seen the ardent passion which Lord Lucan has conceived for her
Now really my dear Lucy it is a thousand pities that such a fine young man should waste his life in sighs and groans for a perverse beauty who will not even deign to own that she perceives his passion We all know it is impossible that she can love her husband and in that case it is highly propable that she should love somebody else and why not her poor sighing swain
I have tried every possible means to prevail on Lord Lucan to avow his passion but the simpleton denies it even to me though he must be sensible that I have seen its rise and progress from the first moment he beheld her at Pangor Ferry to this present writing—I have even attempted to make him jealous by an affected familiarity with Lady
Barton though both she and you know que mon coeur est devoüe a madame votre tante—but all this Ill swear I did in pure good will in hopes of bringing the lovers to an explanation which might possibly prevent their going on at the absurd rate they do at present—You know my dear Lucy that I have a very high opinion of Lady Barton I therefore could not presume to mention Lord Lucan as a lover for her ladyship if I were not perfectly convinced that he is as true a Platonic as she or even your little romantic self—
I would not by any means have you venture to shew her this letter but you ladies have a thousand agreeable ways of conveying a secret to each other especially where you have reason to imagine
that the information will not be displeasing
I shall have the honour of seeing you this evening at Mrs Laytons but pray dont take notice of this letter to her or to any other person but the one whom it concerns—Adio mia bella e buona figliuola—
J WALTER
I shall never be able to describe what I felt upon reading this detestable scroll this outrage to honour delicacy friendship virtue But how to act it was impossible to think of shewing such a letter to a husband as the consequences must in all probability and ought to have been fatal—And neither Lucy nor I could submit to the meanness of telling a falsehood by saying she had not shewn me the letter—
In this dilemma I determined on sending for Colonel Walter myself to speak my sentiments to him upon the occasion which I did—He came and on my asking him what I had ever done to provoke his malice or how he dared to insult me by his letter to Miss Leister he burst into an affected laugh and said he was sorry to find that English Ladies had no idea of a jest that he really meant nothing more than a little badinage and to bring about a kind of Platonic galantry between Lord Lucan and me which might serve to amuse us in the long evenings we were to pass together at Southfield but if his raillery had given me a moments pain he asked my pardon and promised never to offend again on the same subject—
I was in prudence obliged to acquiesce with this insincere submission but from this hour I know him for mine enemy—O Fanny what a situation is mine would to heaven I could exchange it for that of our dear departed Delia—she is at peace my sister—while I—But let me not distress you farther—tell me I conjure you tell me that my brothers virtue and philosophy have calmed his sorrows and that he now only feels that sort of tender regret which arises from the fond idea of a long absent friend—Tell me something of yourself but let that something give me leave to hope that you are happy and I shall repine the less at my own wretchedness—My true love waits on Sir George and you Adieu my Fanny
LOUISA BARTON
MY dear Louisa I have received both your letters and really think no situation can be more difficult than yours but as you see the precipice before you I will trust in that good Providence which is the guardian and support of innocence that he will enable you to avoid it—I am persuaded I felt as much resentment as yourself on reading Colonel Walters letter I perfectly approve of your not shewing it to Sir William but I cannot by any means divine what could be the motive for writing it—
Ever since you mentioned the change in Lord Lucans behaviour I have had
some apprehensions of his passion for you but would not hint them for fear of giving you uneasiness—O my Louisa how nicely circumspect must your conduct be if you mean to escape the dangers that surround you and how much brighter than gold seven times tried in the furnace will that conduct appear when it has passed through more than a trial ordeal unsullied and unhurt—
You have never given me the least reason to apprehend that Sir William is inclinable to jealousy this is certainly a very fortunate circumstance in your present situation but do not suffer yourself to be lulled into a state of security by his apparent indolence vigilant and watchful must that woman be who has so many foes to shield against—the unkindness
of Sir William—the passion and merits of Lord Lucan—the arts and malice of Colonel Walter—but the last and most formidable—shall I venture to speak out—is your own heart
You have not yet begun to suspect it It is therefore the more dangerous enemy Examine it my sister call it to strict account and if you find one sentiment or wish that lurks in secret there unworthy of yourself banish it I beseech you thoughts even without purposes are criminal where our honour is in question Consider the slightest idea of this kind as a young serpent though stingless now its growth will give it strength and power to wound the breast that nursed and cherished it crush it betimes Louisa and be at peace for life
I weep faster than I write my brothers unhappiness and yours have sunk my spirits to the lowest ebb he is still inconsolable—He has received a most extraordinary letter from brute Colville—I can call her nothing else—she says
She hopes he has by this time surmounted his grief for her daughter as it is highly irrational to mourn for one who is so surely happy—She intreats him to go directly to Paris as she has something very particular to inform him of relative to Delias last request which she will not communicate by letter
This hint has roused Sir Georges curiosity or rather awakened the fond desire of fulfilling any wish that Delia might have made yet he says he could not bear the fight of Mrs Colville whom
he considers as her daughters murderer and the destroyer of his earthly happiness—
I know not what to think of this affair but I most earnestly wish that he would go any where—exercise is always of service to an oppressed mind—like the wheels of a machine it lessens the weight which rest restores again—however Sir George shall not go by Amiens if he goes at all and that I have any power to persuade him—
No one can tell where Lord Hume has been for some time past—the only letter I received was dated from Naples which he said he should quit the next day and write to me the moment he was determined to fix at any place—If
a brothers and sisters unhappiness did not at present take up all my thoughts and as it were usurp the place of my own sorrow I could allow it ample scope Louisa but I will now restrain it at least within my own breast and indulge myself in the more generous sensation of grieving for the distresses of those who are more wretched and not less dear to me than myself
Sir George returns your love an hundred fold I have never given him the least hint of your being unhappy as I knew it would render him still more so—I do not think that even a brother should interfere between husband and wife unless matters were come to such extremities as I hope they never will between Sir William and you
I would by all means wish you to make a friend tho not a confidante of the young Harriet if her heart and understanding be good her want of knowledge in the ways of the world will not render her a less eligible companion or adviser There is something extremely striking in the natural sentiments of an untainted mind—they resemble the purity and delicacy of water drank at the fountain before it has been impregnated with these adventitious flavours which it acquires in its currency
I know not why but I am vastly prejudiced in Harriets favour—I am apt to think she will lessen your domestic uneasinesses or at least prevent your brooding over them in solitude and
silence—If I ever visit you in Ireland I shall endeavour to obtain a corner of her little innocent heart this will be no robbery for I flatter myself that she will love you the better the more she loves me
Miss Granville is returned from Bath she is at present my only companion—within these two days Sir George has admitted her into his apartment She has lost all her spirits and vivacity and is perfectly qualified to perform the part of a mute in a tragedy for she sighs often and never speaks she has not however communicated the cause of her mourning to me yet I fancy if she were obliged to sing a French song Maudit amour would be the first that would occur to her
You will easily perceive that my letters like yours are written at different intervals and I hope you will also perceive that my spirits are better than when I began this epistle tho nothing particular has happened to enliven them except my taking an airing with Sir George and my quondam admirer Mr Loyd in Richmond Park this morning
The moral of the tale I sing as before is that air and exercise are the best medicines in the world both for mind and body—By the way I hope you both continue and indulge your passion for riding—I hear the outlets about Dublin are delightful you will be unpardonable if you dont visit them all
Pray give my love to the little Harriet you may also offer it to Sir William for indeed I am very well inclined even to bestow since he will not suffer me to pay it to him
Adieu adieu ma tres chere soeur
PS Pray enquire of Lord Lucan if he ever hears from lord Hume
Naples
YES my dear Lucan I will acknowledge your censure just in some degree and that I think is full as much as can be expected from a person of my lively and volatile disposition—we idle fellows are seldom perverse enough to defend our follies or perhaps the same indolence of temper which makes us commit prevents our justifying them—no matter from what principle our humility arises I hate searching for remote causes—tis like seeking for a grain of wheat in a bushel of chaff I never was a good logician tho a very tolerable sophist for myself at least and
while I find the effects of my passion for the lovely Margarita pleasant I shall never perplex myself with endeavouring to find out why they are so
You cannot my dear Lucan have an idea of any thing half so charming or you would not only excuse but countenance my fondness by your own admiration—No hang it I should not like that either—nor would I have you see her for a thousand guineas notwithstanding what you say of your being already in love—you know I thought myself the most enamoured swain alive when I left England and used to write you the most doleful accounts of my sufferings—you laughed •t them then I laugh at them now—tempora aut mores mutantur—no matter which I cant help
however sometimes feeling a little qualm not of conscience tho Lucan for my former mistress—she is handsome I confess but Margarita is divine
When I landed on the continent I was such a novice in love as to fancy that I could not bear a six months absence from Fanny Cleveland but I had not been six days acquainted with my present object when I found that I could sacrifice friends country nay myself to her I had never felt passion before And
Whats life without passion sweet passion of love
I have I hope dealt like a man of honour with Miss Cleveland by not dissembling with her I have written but once to her since I came here and
then told her I intended to stay abroad for three years and had not fixed upon any place of residence nay even said I should quit Naples directly merely to prevent her writing to me
I hope she will understand all this properly and that her pride will get the better of whatever regard she might have had for me and that whenever I return to England if that should ever happen I may find her what I really wish married intirely to her own satisfaction—for notwithstanding my infidelity I think it impossible that I should ever be capable of divesting myself of the warmest interest in her happiness I have now my dear Lucan laid my heart as open before you as I would were I a catholic to my confessor I expect much more from
you than I should from him not only absolution and indulgence but a reciprocal confidence also—Tell me who and what this fair Hibernian is whose torrid charms have been able to thaw your frozen zone Is it une affaire de coeur ou dhonneur is she kind or cruel brown or fair in short deal as frankly with me as I have done with you and we shall then have mutually exchanged the truest test of friendship with each other
Yours most truly HUME
PS I purpose spending the winter here and setting out early in spring either to Rome or Venice which ever my fair compass points her taper index to that we may enjoy the carnival together
MY dear Hume your letter has relieved me from a thousand apprehensions which I suffered on your account—it is written in the true spirit of a heart at ease which no man ever possessed that was thoroughly in love—and though you call me grave and philosophic I am much better pleased that your present attachment should be of the frolic than the serious kind—Most of our young men of fortune and fashion look upon a foreign mistress as a part of their travelling equipage and I think Margarita as well qualified to fill up the train of milord Anglois as any other of her sister syrens—of the opera
I have seen her often and acknowledge her beauty though I could gaze on her for ever without feeling any other effect from her charms but what might arise in my mind from contemplating her picture—yet I do not think her inanimate on the contrary she has great vivacity both in her looks and manners but alas she is totally devoid of sensibility that first of female charms her eyes are taught to languish and every graceful movement of her form has been acquired in the school of art—Read the thirtyseventh and fiftieth letters of Ninon de lEnclos to the marquis de Sevig•é and they will help you to judge more justly both of her and yourself they are cases exactly in point
She lived with the marquis de Richelieu at Turin when I was there—I
knew him intimately he adored Margarita and was one of the handsomest and most amiable young men I ever met with—he died of a fever I pitied Margarita from my soul and about ten days after his death went to pay her a visit of condolance and was informed she had set out for Naples two days before with an English gentleman whose name was Williams
I am much too young to set up for a stoic or a cynic I know nay I feel all the weaknesses and follies of youth yet I cannot help thinking that an attachment to a worthless woman is capable of debasing the noblest mind—Virtue I fear is not radical in human nature its seed must be sown by precept cherished by example and cultivated
by habit but when the object of our affections has a distinct interest rather to extinguish than inspire it the general bias of our passions aided by the natural indolence of dissipation and debauchery suffer the plant to wither in its bloom and thus obliterates the truest character of manhood
On the contrary let the most vicious man become truly enamoured of a virtuous woman and he will at least assume the semblance of those virtues he admires in her and
Use as Hamlet says can almost change the stamp of nature and master even the Devil or throw him out with wonderous potency
I find myself growing grave prematurely for there is but one paragraph
in your letter that I meant to answer seriously you may easily guess—I mean the one where you speak of Miss Cleveland and seem to acquiesce so intirely in your behaviour towards her—and now that I have entered upon this subject I am at a loss to know how to treat it properly—I would fain persuade myself you were but in jest yet surely it is wrong to trifle with the esteem of a friend by suffering me to suppose that you could possibly behave so unworthily to a woman of merit and honour
That the gaiety and levity of your temper and your youth might render it possible nay probable that you should change your affections and cease to love a mistress you once admired I can readily believe—but that you can suffer an
amiable woman whom you both flattered and inspired with a serious passion for you to be informed of your inconstancy through so coarse a medium as rudeness and neglect I will not nay I cannot suppose—My friend knows better what he owes to himself and to the world
I must be excused from replying to your queries relative to the object of my passion except so far as to afford you some faint description of her beauty and merits Her personal charms are so obvious that whoever views her does not wait to judge—they strike so suddenly that we feel before we think The excellencies of her character require some refinement to become sensible of—one must have a nice discernment for natural beauties and a
certain classic taste for the great simple—Her mind is in such a state of perfect nature that she is not to be examined by the rules of common life for her words her actions and her whole manners borrow a peculiar propriety from herself alone—She appears to be a sort of privileged genius of whom may be said with Milton
That whatsoer she says or does
Seems wisest virtuousest discreetest best
In others we may trace the mechanical finger of the nurse the mother the tutoress or the priest—In her can be discovered but one only forming hand—even his who made her
In fine such beauties both of mind and person have inspired your till now insensible friend with the most tender
ardent and hopeless love that ever yet possessed a human heart and in my breast shall that fond love lie ever buried—I think it will not cease even with my life but death itself shall never force me to reveal my passion
Press me no farther on this theme my friend nor cast away your useless pity on me for while I can behold her lovely form and gaze in silent rapture on her beauty I am not wretched—nay in those blissful moments I feel a sort of happiness I would not change for all your joys with Margarita
You may very probably have but an imperfect idea of that kind of passion which I have described but do not from thence unphilosophically conclude that
it cannot exist in any heart because you do not feel it in your own This I know to be a common but erroneous mode of judging—we are all too apt to search in our own breasts for the motives of other peoples actions and when a want of sympathy of sentiment prevents our discovering similar principles in ourselves we are too often tempted to deny their existence in others
I have particularly warnd you my dear Hume on this subject because I am certain I could full as easily forgive your doubting my honour as the unsullied purity of my passion—I most sincerely wish you every pleasure that a life of frolic and gayety can yield but beware my dear Hume of those thorns that grow spontaneous with the rose
Write to Miss Cleveland I conjure you and when your leisure will permit bestow a few lines on yours sincerely
LUCAN
MAY I perish this moment if ever I read such a letter I shall begin to look upon Ovids Metamorphoses as a history of serious and natural events and not be at all surprised if I should find myself fluttering through the air in the form of a lapwing or a butterfly—Surely your transformation is still more miraculous what Lucan the gay the lively Lucan changed into a melancholy timid whining lovesick swain
and death itself shall never force him to reveal
his passion
Why what in the name of nonsense must she be that has inspired it deaf and blind I suppose—for no woman that has ears and eyes need ever be informed that a man is in love with her—in those cases they are sharpsighted as the lynx and quickeared as the mole and I would lay a thousand guineas that your Dulcinea was thoroughly informed of her conquest before you were even aware of it yourself—
But why you are so cruelly bent upon not indulging her with a repetition of her triumph I cannot for my soul conceive—I have formed a million of conjectures about whom and what she is and have at length acquiesced in believing her to be the sanctified spouse of some methodist teacher or presbyterian parson for
you have according to your own plan
assumed the semblance of those virtues
which such a puritan fair one might also pretend to
And so poor
Margarita is compounded of art and wants the first of female charms sensibility
Beware my friend that your idol may not have one vice more at least than mine I mean hypocrisy—the marquis de Richelieu is still remembered and regretted by Margarita though she did not absolutely break her heart for his loss as you may perhaps vainly imagine your dovelike dame your saint trembleur whom nothing but the spirit can move would do for you
In short you are welcome to make as free with me as you please the privileges
of friendship permit it but neither its laws nor those of chivalry can pardon an affront or injury offered to the heroine of our romance—Besides you must be but a bad philosopher Lucan if you do not know that there is such a perverseness in human nature that the abusing a mistress is the surest way of rivetting the lovers chains—
Ill be revenged and love her better for it
And so you are very angry that I have not written a full and true account of my inconstancy to Miss Cleveland why how the devil can any man sit down to tell a woman that he no longer loves her But tis a proper measure I owe it to myself and to the world—I repeat your words seriously here for I think them just—And now you will for ever oblige me my
dear Lucan if you will do it for me for may I die this moment if I am not so wholly illiterate in this noble science of defence that I know not even how to set about it
On my honour I both respect esteem and admire Miss Cleveland more than any woman in the world however the caprice of my heart may have rendered me capable of an infidelity and I most devoutly wish that I had address enough to extricate myself out of this unlucky business without sacrificing any more of my character than I fear is already forfeited
I cannot help smiling when you say
while I can behold her lovely form
c But I must acknowledge this to be
the best perhaps the only receipt in the world for insuring our constancy—Ill frame it into a distich extempore for the help of memory—
Your love would you preserve the same
Still fan but never feed the flame
If you were at Rome instead of Dublin I should swear that you were turned Virtuoso and became enamoured of Madame la Venus de Medicis or some other old fashioned marble beauty—the worlds a farce and it is acted thus—the bad impose on others the good deceive themselves
But happiness the way we chuse it is sufficient for us all and as you are so very reasonable in your option they must be niggards indeed who would desire to deprive you of the least portion of it
therefore that you may long possess ideas is the complying wish of yours ever
HUME
Southfield January 1
I Have this moment received my dear Fannys last letter though from the date I think I should have been in possession of it much sooner but perhaps Sir William detained it on purpose to deliver it to me on this day as knowing it to be the most agreeable newyears gift he could have presented me with In return then my Fanny accept my thanks and fervent prayer for your happiness
But I have something more substantial than wishes to contribute towards it for I can with truth inform you that the little time I have spent here has passed away much more agreeably than any that has elapsed since I left Doverstreet
To a mind not perfectly at ease there is something extremely pleasing in the quietness of the country it is like that artificial repose which is acquired by opiates after long watching—like that too though it neither strengthens nor nourishes it allows us time to recover our faculties which are often as much harrassed by living constantly in the midst of crouds as our nerves are by an acute disease
I am very glad to find that Sir William loves the country and is particularly fond of this place where nature seems to have exerted her utmost powers to please—If it is charming now when stripped of all its ornaments think what it will be when summer shall redeck it in its leafy pride and spread her gorgeous carpet oer the plains
I look forward with delight to the happy aera of your arrival here which I hope will be early in spring and as the Irish parliament meet but every second winter I purpose spending the intermediate time of their recess in this sweet retirement with my Fanny my Harriet my books music drawing planning planting and perhaps there may be a little interloper who will I trust increase
both our pleasures and employments—my Lucy too will be near if not with us for Colonel Walters house is about five miles from hence and every thing seems in great forwardness for his marriage with Mrs Layton
I begin to flatter myself that he is really in love with the lady he is going to marry for he talks of her incessantly yet Lucy has remarked that he spends more of his time here than at Mr Ushers where Mrs Layton is now upon a visit though that is two miles nearer to Waltersburgh that is the name of his seat than this
He is to give a magnificent ball at his house next week he asked me last night to dance with him on that occasion which I refused as I thought he ought
to shew every mark of attention to his future bride—I shall not however dance with any other person not so much on his account as for a reason I have hinted at above
I fear you will chide me for not having mentioned my present situation to Sir William as it is natural to suppose it would give him pleasure and indeed I wish to do so but there is something so indelicate in his manner of treating this subject that I have not yet been able to prevail upon myself to speak of it to him
Lord Lucan has been absent from us some days on a visit to Sir Arthur Ashford—they are both expected here this evening—I have great pleasure in observing
that Lord Lucan is vastly more chearful and seemingly at his ease than he was before we left Dublin—indeed I think we are all so which serves to illustrate your favourite opinion as well as the latter part of your last letter that air exercise and change of objects are of infinite use both to the mind and body
From my not mentioning my brother till now do not conclude that I have for a moment forgotten him or his griefs they will live together in my memory to the last period of my existence—I cannot conceive why Mrs Colville should wish to see Sir George as she must be conscious of having done him an irreparable injury and sure there is nothing on earth so formidable as the sight of a person we have
wronged—Yet I earnestly wish that he knew his Delias request as the obeying it would afford him a very high though a melancholy pleasure—
Sad luxury to vulgar minds unknown
I wish too with you that he would go abroad—Do my Fanny send him to search for your wanderer on the continent and in the mean time do you take sanctuary in this island which boasts a privilege of being free from all noisome animals—you may therefore at least promise yourself safety if not delight amongst us
I am sorry for the change you mention in Mary Granville her charming vivacity would I hoped have assisted you in keeping up your spirits under the treble
pressure of my brothers mine and your own distresses which I begin to fear will soon outweigh ours for I think that even the death of the object of our affections is more supportable than their unkindness—This hint is meant to arm you for I confess that Lord Humes silence has made me think he is in the high road of inconstancy and I do most earnestly wish that you would endeavour to forget him and be happy—
I have my dearest sister at your request most seriously examined my heart and will candidly acquaint you with its real situation—Tis free from love and thence is all its danger—O why am I debarred the chaste indulgence of a virtuous passion why must a heart that overflows with tenderness have all
its currents dammed like a poor river forced from its natural course am I to blame if it should steal away in useless nay improper channels
But hitherto my sister all is safe—the man I most esteem I have no passion for nor feel a fonder warmth on mentioning his name than my dear brothers—this surely is an innocent affection—Had I been his wife—but you have warned me not even to hazard much less indulge such thoughts
Harriet is vastly happy at your predilection for her and bids me offer you the second place in her heart—she kindly and I believe at present truly says I occupy the first—yours is I think likely to be the most permanent station
as I shall have many rivals to contend for mine and happy will he be who shall displace me—
Lucy who came hither with me is this day gone to pay her respects to her aunt at Mr Ushers we are to meet them at Waltersburgh next Monday and she is then to return with me to Southfield where we have alas but a very few days to spend before we set out for Dublin I shall truly regret the changing of the scene—but must obey
Sir William returns his affectionate compliments to my brother and you and was kind enough to say he wished you would both come over and see how we live here—what is still more extraordinary he seemed both surprised and
concerned when I told him of our dear Delias death for he is sometimes tender when he is off his guard so that I often flatter myself that tis rather his manners which are harsh and not his nature hard You see how I strive to sooth myself and plead for him He says he cannot be persuaded that she could die in three days unless it were of a French physician
Sir Arthur Ashford his sister and Lord Lucan are this moment arrived I have never seen the Lady but hear she is extremely handsome grant heaven that Lord Lucan may think so now Fanny you can have no doubts or fears
Adieu my sister—
REPORT does not always exaggerate—Miss Ashford is really beautiful—the ladies of this country are in general remarkably fair but the whiteness of her skin surpasses any that I have ever seen her eyes are dark hazel her hair jet black which forms such a contrast to her neck and forehead as images Shakespears simile
Fairer than snow upon a ravens back
She is tall and thin and though not elegantly made appears perfectly genteel—while she sits still—but the moment she is thrown into motion or emotion she ceases to be lovely—a something
more than want of grace accompanies her action and every movement of her head or hands seems performed in opposition to nature—in short she is the only young person I have ever seen whom vivacity does not become She seems sensible mild goodnatured and in every respect qualified for making an amiable figure—in still life
I am much pleased to find that Sir William is extremely hospitable to his country neighbours and likes to have company in his house This tendency may doubtless be attended with some inconveniences which I had rather submit to than live unknown and unloved amongst ones tenants and dependants—it is their industry and labour which supports our affluence and they certainly
have a right to a certain share in our enjoyments in proportion to their rank and situation
An accident that happened this morning had like to have triumphed over Sir Williams good humour which is not of the invincible kind—As we sat at breakfast in a room that looks into the garden I observed Miss Ashfords eyes fixed on a particular object in the walk before us—I thought she seemed surprised and I naturally directed a look of inquiry to discover the occasion which was a little basket that appeared to move though gently of itself
The moment I mentioned this circumstance the gentlemen came to the window and Lord Lucan flew directly into the
garden and explained the phenomenon by bringing the basket and its contents into the parlour which was an infant about a week old clean though poorly clad with a paper pinned to its breast which said this child has been baptized by its fathers name William
This circumstance disconcerted Sir William who after many unnecessary asseverations of his innocence upon this occasion at which the whole company smiled as they knew that he had been above a year out of the kingdom determined to prove his virtue at the expence of his humanity by ordering the child to be again left in the garden where it was found till the parish officers should come to take charge of it and by commanding a strict search to be
made for the mother that she might be punished according to law
We all opposed the severity of this resolution as the poor infant appeared almost perished with cold and hunger but Sir William persisted in acting like an upright magistrate according to the letter of the law—till Lord Lucan declared that he was ready to adopt the little foundling and promised to take care of it for life though his name was Thomas Sir William then relaxed a little of his austerity and gave vent to the remainder of it by attacking Lord Lucan with all the coarse raillery usual upon such occasions
I confess I was pleased with this instance of his Lordships humanity—I
have seen many others even in the short term of our acquaintance—yet at this instant I could wish to have robbed him of this little act of benevolence and have transferred it to Sir William—There is a secret and involuntary sympathy that attaches us to generous minds—our affections are insensibly rivetted by esteem and in that case we may defy even the power of time to break the charming tye O why am I not bound in such a chain
Though you will see by my letter that I had nothing to say when I began to write yet as it is probable that I shall not have half an hours leisure for some days to come I have devoted the present moment to convince my Fanny that she is never absent from my thoughts to enquire
after hers and Sir Georges health and to assure her of the sincerest regard of her ever affectionate
DIstracted as I am with my own griefs let me thank my dear sister for having removed some of those apprehensions which I had suffered on her account and by that means leaving my heart as it should now be devoted to selfish undivided sorrow—Lord Hume is false Louisa I am forsaken in the pride of youth but for whom I know not
I cannot write read the inclosed then give the hateful scroll to the devouring flames—no send it back—alas for what the fatal lines are graved too deeply on my breaking heart
My brother set out for Paris last week a second letter from Mrs Colville more ambiguous than the former determined him I am glad he is gone—I should have tried but fear it would have been in vain to hide my anguish from him—and he has griefs too weighty of his own to suffer me to add resentment to them
You say your heart is free from love Louisa O triumph in that blest indifference and know you cannot taste the extreme of wretchedness without feeling
a tender passion for an unworthy object
Ah fond remembrance blinds me
If I were capable of joy I should receive it from the hint you give of your being soon likely to be blest with a proper object for your utmost sensibility Repine no more my sister but let the current of your fondness flow in this most natural and pleasing course in the rich channel of maternal love
I intreat you to acquaint Sir William as soon as possible with this happy event there are numberless reasons that render it proper those you urge against it are childish your situation must naturally increase his tenderness and of course your happiness which is all that
can now diffuse the smallest gleam of satisfaction to your ever affectionate
PS I have this moment received a second letter from you for which I return my thanks but am not at present able to write more
A Consciousness of error is they say the first step toward reformation but there are some cases, in which we may be sensible of having done amiss yet find it impossible to amend this is certainly a very unpleasing situation and well worthy of pity from a generous
mind—So circumstanced I acknowledge myself and throw myself at your feet for pardon
Can you madam rise so far above the unworthy man who asks it as to grant him your forgiveness while he confesses that the natural inconstancy of his sex and the mutability of his disposition have triumphed over a passion which was once his highest happiness and honour and which he then thought would have been as permanent as his life
I cannot without descending to the meanness of a falshood affect to suppose that I am indifferent to you I know but too well that I was honoured with a place in your affection—but I also know that
Miss Cleveland has sense and resolution sufficient to conquer her regards for one who owns himself unworthy of it—Humiliating confession
Let me however madam as a motive to your forgiveness plead the small and only merit that is in my favour the not having attempted to deceive you—I can now only add that notwithstanding the change of my affections rather than my sentiments I shall ever retain the sincerest respect and if I may be allowed the expression the tenderest esteem for Miss Cleveland to whom I have the honour to be
a most devoted and obedient servant HUME
Miss WESTLEY to Miss CLEVELAND
Waltersburgh
HOW happy should I be my dear madam in having the honour of paying my respects to you by letter and thanking you for the kind partiality you have expressed in my favour to my dear aunt if her illness had not been the occasion of my writing but dont be alarmed madam she is at present out of danger though still so weak as to be unable to write even to you
She was taken ill the day after she came here and miscarried the day following How I grieve for the loss of my dear little cousin he would have been a charming
plaything for us all You cant imagine how much my uncle has fretted about it but though my poor dear aunt has the most reason to be sorry she bears every thing with her usual sweetness of temper—but I need not expatiate on her gentleness to you who know her for every creature who does must be charmed with her
Miss Leister who was to have been here with us was confined with a quinzy at Mr Ushers when my aunt grew ill but she came to us yesterday and the gentlemen are all gone to Dublin—It was intended that we should be very merry when we arrived here but I never saw such a dismal house I long to get back to Southfield which I hope we shall be able to do in a few days
My aunt desires me to assure you of her tenderest affection and says she will write the moment she can hold a pen
I hope my dear Miss Cleveland will not take an aversion to me for being the messenger of disagreeable news but believe that it would have afforded me the sincerest pleasure to have informed her that my aunt was as well and happy as I know she deserves to be and I most truly wish her I have the honour to be dear madam
your much obliged and most obedient servant HARRIET WESTLEY
PS I dont know whether you are acquainted with Lord Lucan but I cant
help telling you that he had the misfortune to sprain his leg so that he could not dance or walk even the first day he came—there never was any thing so unlucky as this party has been for every one has had something to distress them
I Lament with you my dear Harriet that our correspondence should commence on an occasion so painful to us both as Lady Bartons illness but I should be unworthy of that regard which you seem inclined to shew me if it were possible that I should conceive any dislike to you for acquainting me with our common misfortune I mean the loss of our
little cousin—however as you assure me that my sister is at present out of danger I think we may reasonably hope that our present loss may be repaired in future and that we may yet have many pretty playthings in which we shall be mutually interested
The sweetness of Lady Bartons temper must interest all who know her in her sufferings of every kind and lessen even to herself the painful sensations arising from her present disagreeable situation—Such is the potent power of gentleness I have no doubt of your tender attachment to her there is a natural sympathy between the good and amiable which far exceeds the ties either of affinity or consanguinity
I have not the honour of knowing Lord Lucan but am sorry for the accident he
has met with both for his sake and yours as I fancy his lameness interfered with the amusement you proposed to yourself in dancing—But we are all liable to disappointments my young friend and may this be one of the greatest that you shall ever experience
Assure my beloved sister of my servent and unceasing wishes for her speedy recovery And believe me to be my dear Miss Westleys
affectionate friend and servant F CLEVELAND
Waltersburgh
MY dearest Fanny I lay hold of the first possible moment to calm your fears for my safety I mean with regard to my health Harriet by my desire has given you an account of the accident that befel me here but she and all the world are strangers to the cause of it
But before I enter into a detail that must affect you let me congratulate my dearest sister upon the timely discovery of lord Humes inconstancy—Rejoice my Fanny that this worthless man is not your husband and that you are at
liberty to indulge your resentment or contempt without a breach of duty—This though you may not be sensible of it is certainly an allevation of the misery which arises from illplaced love—but time and your sense and virtue will I hope enable you to triumph over any remain of weakness for such an unworthy object—Yet contemptible as he is I cannot help being pleased with his letter frankness always charms me and like charity in my mind it covers a multitude of faults
Do not from what I have said imagine that I think lightly of your present distress I am convinced that to a heart tender and good as yours it must be severe but I also know that there are other situations much more intolerable
and I am almost tempted to exclaim with Lord Littleton—
What are alas thy woes compared to miner
You shall be yourself the judge and I will now proceed
Sir Arthur Miss Ashford Lord Lucan Sir William Harriet and I set out together for this place the Monday after I wrote to you—We were to have met Mrs Layton Miss Leister the family of the Ushers and several other ladies and gentlemen of the neighbourhood—The first mortification I received was hearing that my Lucy was ill of a sore throat and could not come from Ushers Grove her aunt and the rest of the family came but were all to return after supper
I told you in my last that I had refused to dance with Colonel Walter I was also asked by Lord Lucan but desired to be excused and entreated he would take Miss Ashford for his partner He said he would obey me and accordingly desired the honour of her hand which she readily granted—About a quarter of an hour before the ball began he unluckily strained his leg and was not able to fulfil his engagement—Sir William though not fond of dancing was polite enough to supply his place and Lord Lucan and I were reduced to play at quadrille with a couple of dowagers and an old parson
The evening however passed off very tolerably and we retired to our chambers about twelve oclock The gentlemen
had agreed to meet and hunt the next morning and I determined to pay a visit to Lucy between breakfast and dinner that day for the Colonel had insisted on our not leaving him till the next
According to appointment with his companions of the chace Sir William rose early and left me asleep I had resolved not to acquaint him with my situation till our return to Southfield as I knew that many coarse jests and commonplace sayings would pass on the occasion which I should wish to avoid at all times but especially before strangers
About eight oclock in the morning I was waked by a person who knelt at my bedside and pressed my hand to their lips—the chamber was dark I could
only distinguish that it was a man and instantly concluded him to be Lord Lucan from this circumstance only that I recollected Colonel Walter was to have rode out with Sir William—I strove to withdraw my hand but could not upon which I addressed him with the strongest expressions of surprize and resentment at his having dared to take so unwarrantable a liberty to which he answered only in a whisper entreating me to forgive the effects of a passion too violent to be restrained—He then attempted to press his lips to mine and when I was going to ring my bell I heard Sir Williams voice upon the stairs and fainted
When I came to myself I found Miss Ashford Sir William and Harriet in
the room standing about my bedside—I suffered infinite anxiety at that instant to know whether Sir William had found Lord Lucan in my chamber and what had passed between them Harriet and Miss Ashford were bathing my temples with lavender water while Sir William held one of my hands between his and as soon as he found that I was recovering pressd it gently and withdrew saying that he supposed ladies understood how to manage one another better in such circumstances than he—his calmness amazed me in short the various emotions of my mind for some time are not to be expressed
I determined on the instant to return to Southfield directly let the consequence be what it would and never to suffer
Lord Lucan to come into my sight again but alas when I attempted to rise I found it impossible the agitation of my mind had disorderd my whole frame my illness encreased every moment a messenger was dispatched for a physician but before he could arrive—
When Sir William was informed of my misfortune he raved and stamped like a madman said I must have designed to destroy his heir out of perverseness or I would certainly have acquainted him with my situation—while Heaven knows I would have given my own life with pleasure to have saved my child
I continued in a state of such extreme weakness for four days that I saw no creature but Benson who had been sent
for express the doctor and Harriet who wept continually by me—I never can forget the dear girls tenderness
On the fifth morning Sir William came into the room and with an air of the utmost disatisfaction told me he was very sorry for the loss of his boy but hoped I should do well and as he could not be of any use to a sick person he had resolved to attend the meeting of parliament and should set out for Dublin with the Colonel and Lord Lucan directly—that as soon as I was able I might either return to Southfield or follow him to town as I liked best—But that I need not be in a hurry to move for his good friend had left orders that I should be as well attended as if I were in my own house and that Lucy Leister was now recovered
and would come that day to Waltersburg to keep me company—He then gave me a cool kiss and withdrew
I rejoiced extremely at hearing that Lord Lucan was to go with Sir William for though my life was at stake I would not have remained in the same house with him after my husband had left it besides it saved me the difficulty of an interview which my poor weak brain had been studying to avoid the whole time of my illness—Yet I had doubts and fears that he might insolently have made a pretence to stay behind till Benson assured me that she saw him set out at the same time with Sir William and the Colonel
Just as he was going off he gave the enclosed note to Harriet to deliver to
me as soon as I should be able to read it the sweet girl could not conceal her emotion about it she feared she had done wrong in receiving it and with her cheeks covered with blushes and her eyes filled with tears she presented it to me begging I would excuse her if she had acted improperly
I never was more embarrassed in my life than at that moment I could have no doubt but that his letter was filled with apologies for the audaciousness of his conduct and to read it was in some measure to admit of his excuses—But while I hesitated Harriet whose impatience seemed to be extreme had broken the seal and said shall I read it to you Madam Luckily for me that part of the chamber I sat in was so much darkened
by a large screen that she did not discover my confusion therefore taking my silence for consent she proceeded to read as follows
PERMIT me Madam to express those ardent wishes for your recovery which I have never ceased to breathe to heaven from the first moment of your illness—wishes as pure as warm and as disinterested as brothers form for a beloved sister I hoped to have had the honour of seeing you before I leave Waltersburgh and I have many reasons to lament the loss of that happiness but the cause which has prevented it is even more a subject of regret than the effect and like Aarons rod has swallowed up all other considerations
May returning health a wait your couch and may every happiness that heaven can grant to merit such as yours be as truly thine as the sincere respect and esteem of him who has the honour to be Madam your Ladyships
most obedient servant LUCAN
PS If it be not thought too presuming I should request the favour of your permission for Miss Westley to honour me with a line to inform me of your health
I never felt surprise more strongly than at hearing this letter and my amazement was rather increased by the trepidation and hurry of Harriets voice and manner in reading it who on the instant
she had finished desired I would give her leave to write his lordship an account of my health by that very nights post—This I absolutely forbad but in order to change the subject told her I would employ her in a more interesting correspondence and desired she would immediately write to you
I confess to you Fanny that Lord Lucans letter has puzzled me so much that I sometimes think it impossible he could have been guilty of the insult I have charged him with and not attempted to have made some apology for it—Yet who else could have dared to enter my chamber or indeed who else was in the house at the time I am almost tempted to persuade myself sometimes that it was only a dream or vision that
alarmed me—at other times my mind suggests some scruples to itself for not having acquainted Sir William with the affair—But then again in that case I must have hazarded my husbands and some other persons life dreadful though No let me rather suffer all that fate can inflict on innocence than be the cause of one mans death or misery
The moment that Lord Lucan left the house I felt as if a weight had been taken off my heart—I have grown better every hour since and the company of my Lucy and Harriet makes me not regret the absence of any other person but yourself—For heavens sake my dearest Fanny no longer deny me and yourself the indulgence of sharing my heart and alleviating its anxieties you have now
nothing to detain you in England my brother will most probably stay abroad some years—But I will not say more for if your own inclination and my situation do not impel you I would not wish that my persuasions or intreaties should compel you
I have been three days about this letter and think it high time to conclude but must first acquaint you that the day Benson came here she discovered a private door in my chamber which leads to another apartment through which I conclude that Lord Lucan had made both his entry and retreat or else Sir William must have met him going out of my room at the time I fainted—Adieu my Fanny I will write to you as soon as I get to
Southfield which will be at farthest in three days
WHY must I tell my dear Louisa that the contents of her letter abated the pleasure I received from seeing that her hand had superscribed it this little circumstance gave me an idea of your perfect recovery while the same characters on the inside trace out a tale of unhappiness and distress and who can hope for health while the mind suffers
There is something very extraordinary in the adventure you have met with
at Waltersburgh but your surmise on that occasion does not appear to me to have the least foundation—on the contrary I would almost hazard any bett that Lord Lucan was incapable of treating you with such disrespect It is impossible I think from the whole contour of his character to suppose that he could be guilty of such an outrage to decency and honour still more incredible to believe that he should never since have thought proper to offer any sort of excuse for such a behaviour especially as he proceeded so far as to frame an opportunity to himself for doing so by the respectful freedom of his letter to you for an action too which was so unfortunate in its consequences to the woman he loves—for that he loves is but too obvious
Who then could it be That indeed I must be at a loss to answer any more than yourself—I am half persuaded and I wish I was intirely so that it was only a dream—But be that as it may I think you were perfectly right in concealing the affair from Sir William as the knowledge of it must have been fatal at least to his repose and yours
I am very sorry that Sir William should have shewn more regret for the loss of his son than concern for your illness but parental fondness is I fear a stronger and more general affection in male minds than conjugal love—But indeed my dear you deserve a little mortification for your false delicacy in concealing your situation from him so kiss the rod and have done
whimpering as we say to naughty children
I most earnestly wish that the business of parliament had not called Sir William from home at this juncture I long till he and you are settled in a domestic way at Southfield—I own I am alarmed at a married womans meeting with adventures of the ← novel → kind—in the absence of her husband—
The wife where danger or dishonour lurks
Safest and seemliest by her husband stays
Who guards her or with her the worst endures
To say truth I think you in almost as much danger as our fair mother to whom these words were addressed for there certainly is a serpent in the grass somewhere autour de vous—You have however the advantage of being warned of
your danger provided you construe the billet you sent me as its first whisper and as a womans best safety is found in retreat I wish you would resolve to withdraw yourself from any further intimacy either with Lord Lucan or Colonel Walter—believe me my Louisa they are both dangerous intimates though in a different way
I receive your congratulation as I am sure it is meant and though my mind is not yet strong enough to consider the discovery of Lord Humes inconstancy as a subject for rejoicing at yet I agree with you that had this change in his affections happened after I had become his wife the misfortune would have certainly been more insupportable though I cannot even at present avail myself of
the resource you offer me of hating or despising a man whom I once loved—The utmost I ever hope to arrive at is to be able to speak of my affection for him in the past tense only and the most effectual way to arrive at that end is to mention him as little as possible for the future I hope your next letter will inform me of your returning health and happiness I need the assistance of them both to support my present wretchedness—May they long attend my beloved sister sincerely prays her affectionate
DEAR Hume I should be extremely pleased if I could like you consider the transformation of Ovid as a series of serious and natural events for as I have for some time past become extremely weary of my present form or mode of existence I should be inclined to flatter myself that any change must be for the better but the metempsychosis of Pythagoras would suit me still better than the metamorphoses of Ovid I should like to carry my identity with me into whatever being my spirit was appointed to animate as I think the consciousness of the sufferings I now endure would render any state except
that of a ferocious animal agreeable to me
But to be serious—I have been for some months past uncommonly wretched the fate of her who is the arbiter of mine hung for an age in doubtful ballance I never knew the extreme of misery till then for alas I had never before given myself leave to think she was mortal Yes Hume all that I love in life was near the grave and I sustained the shock like a philosopher—I sighed and wept in secret while to the world I wore the specious mask of mere humanity—This was as much as I had power to do and he that says philosophy can go beyond this mark and teach us not to feel mistakes its use and makes dull apathy usurp its place
I dont know that ever I felt so much pleasure in writing as at this moment it certainly relieves our oppression to unburthen our hearts and you are my only confidant—This declaration may appear strange to you who know so little of the particulars of my attachment but when I affirm that no person breathing knows so much not even the dear object of it you may nay you must accept the title
From your last letter which I have read over several times I have collected two things which give me sincere pleasure but will surprise you extremely the first is that you endeavour to persuade yourself that you love Margarita much better than you really do and the second that you not only respect
and esteem but still love Miss Cleveland I hope you have written to her Hume—Every woman of worth and honour has and ought to have a proper pride neglect is therefore the most unpardonable of all offences that a man can commit—I speak of men not brutes rudeness is of course out of the question
I was extremely diverted at the many ridiculous ideas you formed of the object of my passion but this be assured of and let it satisfy you that neither her mind or body have been perverted by any kind of art but that she is at this instant the most perfect work of the great and universal Artist that I have ever yet beheld though perhaps she may not have struck you for you have
seen her with the same idea of perfection
I perfectly agree with you that the word happiness has as many various meanings as there are tempers and constitutions in the world to confine it therefore to any taste passion or mode of life would be just as absurd as to drain your ponds that your fish may fly and flood your aviaries that your birds may swim Be it therefore unto you as you have wished it unto me that is as you choose it—Adieu my dear Hume
Venice
I Have often told you my dear Lucan that I never trouble myself to investigate causes for any thing that happens effects are enough for me so that whether your transmogrification be according to the Ovidian or Pythagorean system is of no sort of consequence for transmogrified you are to all intents and purposes—You may divert yourself with looking for the etymology of that word but though I dont believe you will be able to find its derivation in any dictionary it is a devilish good one for all that and truly expressive of my meaning
Why my dear metamorphosed friend you had nothing of the Catullus strain in you while you lived among us here But there are peculiar disorders incident to certain climates and an heavy atmosphere naturally makes people draw their breath in sighs Fly then for your life my dear patient and take the air of the world once more among us again before your ailment has confirmed itself into a Platonic asthma in the bogs of Ireland
You have puzzled me to the last line of a riddle by saying that I have often seen your Lesbia—prythee be good natured Lucan and tell me when and where for guessing is rather troublesome there can be no sort of danger in letting me know who she is as you are
already convinced that I dont like her or if I did may I perish if I would attempt to rival my friend with any woman breathing you may therefore be perfectly safe in making me a real confidant instead of a nominal one
Margarita and I have been here this fortnight and in that time we have contrived to lose a good round sum at play she thinks we have been overmatched by the Venetians and wants to try our fortune at Rome but I must wait for remittances from England before I can make this or any other experiment of the kind
You are mistaken Lucan I love Margarita most truly and what is much more extraordinary my affection for her
rather increases than abates—I have myself been made sensible of this tho not in the most agreeable manner for I have lately felt somewhat of that hydra of calamities jealousy—and this though I am perfectly satisfied that my sweet girl gave me no sort of cause on her part and would not quit me for an emperor—
Tell me my heart if this be love
You are in some measure right with regard to my sentiments for Fanny Cleveland—I certainly do most thoroughly esteem her and have given the strongest proof of my having an high opinion of her understanding by writing a very foolish letter acknowledging myself what I dare say your wise worship already thinks me a very silly fellow—I dont know but as you say I may love her too—that is according
to your plan of loving à la seraphique—but I have no idea of that sort of passion which can admit of a doubt or allow us time to reason about the why or wherefore of the matter—Let me be charmed my senses captivated and let reason go to the schools if it will for I never found it of any use but to torment me—I am all impatience for my remittances I dont like this place nor does Margarita though she has a number of relations here brothers and cousins by the dozen but they are all priests and I am apprehensive that some of these infatuates may persuade her to quit me and lock her up in a convent—the dear girl sometimes alarms me much by talking religiously but if I can get her to Rome once there will be an end of these fears for I am told that there is not even the shadow of devotion there
It is now two oclock at noon and Margarita has not yet blessed my eyes I fear she is not well—I must go to enquire her health I hope your fair one is recovered do tell me all about her in your next Direct to me at Rome I forget where but to the care of your former Banker
Adio mio caro amico
HUME
Southfield
THANK Heaven my dearest Fanny I have at last escaped out of that worse than lyons den that detestable Colonel Walters house—On the
day after I wrote last to you as the weather was remarkably fine for the season I insisted on Lucy and Harriets going out to take the air and in order to harden myself for my removal I ventured into the room adjoining mine which is a very large and handsome library—Benson had told me that since the Colonel went to Dublin she had sometimes seen a beautiful little girl of four years old running about the house but that the child could not speak English and that the servants were extremely illnanatured to the poor baby who used to weep when she could not make herself understood that she was perfectly engaging in her manner and seemed to take a liking to Benson that she had enquired as much as was proper who the child belonged to and was constantly
answered that they knew nothing more of her than that she was one of their masters importations
Upon this report I confess that I felt my relationship to dame Eve very strongly and desired Benson to bring the child to me the first opportunity—She accordingly led her by the hand into the library on the day I have mentioned but the moment the child saw me she would have fled and exclaimed in French O my papa will kill me I replied to her in her own language and assured her that no harm should happen to her—She smiled upon me and asked was I a Frenchwoman if I was she would love me dearly for all the people in this place she said were cross and cruel except her poor mama that she believed was
dying—She then hid her face with her little hands and burst into a passion of tears
I need not tell you how I was affected—She became instantly sensible of my tenderness and suffered Benson to lead her to me and set her on my knee but though she leaned her head upon my neck and seemed pleased with my caresses I could perceive that fear predominated over every other sensation by her eyes being constantly directed to the door and her appearing alarmed at every noise—I asked her where her mama was She paused for a few moments and then replied I was not forbidden to tell that she is above stairs lying upon her bed and that bed is on the ground—We dont lye so in France
The innocence and sensibility of her remark quite overcame me—She took my handkerchief and dried my eyes then said
Dont weep pray dont you dont sleep upon the ground nor any one else I believe except my poor mama
Again I kissed the lovely little pratler—I desired her to tell her mama that I should be glad to see her—She shook her head and said that was impossible for her mama was too sick to come out of her room but if she were well she must not disobey her papa and he had commanded her never to stir out while she lived—Then said I my dear I will go up to her—She answered quick
No no that cannot be the servants would tell my papa
—I asked her would she carry a letter to her mama she said yes—I then asked her mamas name and she
answered DOlivet—I instantly sat down and wrote in French what follows—
A Madame DOLIVET
I have this day seen and conversed with your lovely daughter and from her innocent yet sensible discourse I have learned that you are ill and unhappy—I have reason to apprehend that the treatment you have received from a gentleman of this country may naturally prejudice you against all its inhabitants but let me assure you that humanity and justice are the real characteristics of this nation and that if you stand in need of either you may depend on meeting them in the highest degree both from our manners and our laws
I beg leave now Madam to offer you any assistance that is in the power of an individual of your own sex of some rank and consideration in this country who will esteem it a very great happiness if she can be in any way serviceable to the injured or oppressed and who most solemnly assures you that whatever confidence you are pleased to repose in her shall never be made use of but to your own advantage as it is not curiosity but compassion that inclines her to interest herself in your concerns—If you think an interview with the writer of this proper please to contrive the means and she will most readily concur with your design as she is possessed of the sincerest inclination though unknown to you to do every thing that may be in
her power for your service and is with great truth your unknown friend
The child carried away the billet and returned in less than ten minutes to tell me that her mama had neither pen ink or paper but if I would be so good to let her have them she would write an answer immediately and in the mean time returned me a thousand thanks for the honour of my letter—The dear little Olivet took my hand kissed it and said she was sure she should love me for she thought I had done her mama good already—I immediately furnished her with my own portefeuille which contained all the necessary implements for writing and waited not without some degree of impatience to have this mystery
explained—Lucy and Harriet returned from their airing soon after this adventure but I did not think it proper to mention the affair to them till I was more fully informed myself—I heard nothing farther of the child or her mother till I retired into my bedchamber and then Benson gave me a letter in French which I send you inclosed
No words can adequately express my sense of your goodness to me but my gratitude shall while I have life be poured forth in fervent prayers for your happiness—This alas is the sole return that I can make to Heaven or to you whose blessed instrument I am sure you are to speak peace and comfort to a dying
wretch and smooth her passage from this vale of misery
Ah Madam may you never know the transports I received from reading your dear letter they can only be felt by one equally unhappy with me if such another wretch there be on earth who long denied the blessings of society debarred even the power of speaking to be understood should have an angel come and utter words of comfort and compassion
Forgive me Madam but I cannot help considering you as a superior being sent to the relief of misery like mine O may you think so too and ease my last sad moments of their sharped pangs It is not for myself I plead but for my innocent my unoffending child Receive a
more than orphan to your care and my last sigh shall waft my thanks to heaven
Even the short story of my misfortunes is much too long for my weak hand to write but if you will permit me Madam to throw myself at your feet when all the family are retired to rest and condescend to lend an ear to my sad tale I will relate it with the same truth and frankness as I would to my confessor you shall supply that solace long denied me and from your gracious lips I hope for absolution
I have now no terms to keep with Colonel Walter the hour approaches that must dissolve all the engagements that ever were between us how he has fulfilled his part of them Heaven and his
own heart can tell but even in my death I would not wish to offend him and were there not a much dearer concern than my own life at stake I would conceal his unkindness to the last moment of my existence would suffer my wrongs to be buried with me and sleep for ever in the silent grave—But my Olivia my lovely little babe pulls at my heartstrings and can I then decline the offer of your kindness and not strive to interest your compassion for her future fate impossible circumstanced as I am the mother must prevail over every other tye—I therefore again entreat the honour of being admitted to your presence this night I will come softly down the backstairs that join to the library and there wait till your woman shall conduct me to you—In the mean
time and ever allow me to subscribe myself with the most heartfelt gratitude
your ladyships most obliged and devoted servant OLIVIA WALTER
Judge of my feelings at reading this letter by your own But though I know you will be displeased at my quitting the story here I must break off as the post is going out and I cannot send this without telling you that I have no remains of my late indisposition but weakness—Peace of mind and exercise will I hope soon restore my former strength—Tomorrow my Fanny I will indulge you with the remainder of this affecting narrative till then
Adieu
THE moment I had read Mrs Walters letter I sent Benson to wait her coming at the appointed place—As some of the family were not yet gone to bed I had near half an hours leisure to reflect on the uncommon villainy of Colonel Walter If this lady was his wife which I could have no doubt of from her taking his name how did he dare to propose marriage to Mrs Layton But this circumstance appeared trifling when compared to the inhumanity of his behaviour to the unfortunate Olivia and her lovely child At length Benson tapped softly at my door and I rose to receive
a being that seemed no longer an inhabitant of this world—From the childs account of her mothers illness I was prepared to see a person pale and emaciated but any thing so near our idea of a beautiful spectre never yet I believe struck mortal sight
I must describe her to you—her stature is somewhat above the middle size but the extreme thinness of her figure made her appear still taller—her eyes are large and of the darkest blue her nose aquiline with the most beautiful mouth and teeth I ever saw her skin fairer than alabaster and so clear that one might fancy they saw the circulation of the blood which supplied a faint blushing in her cheeks resembling the inner tints of a white rose her hair of a light shining brown
flowed in loose tresses upon her shoulders—her gown was a white silk polonese she had on a gauze hood tied loosely under her chin and a slight covering of the same sort upon her neck she appeared all form without substance spirit without matter and had she prophesied my faith would have listened as to an angel—
As she entered my room she made an effort which I was not lucky enough to prevent to throw herself at my feet—when I attempted to raise her from the ground I had not strength sufficient for she had fainted there with Bensons assistance and mine she recovered in about ten minutes then gushed into such a flood of tears as took away all power of
speech and almost suffocated her she often tried to speak and implore my pardon for the distress and trouble she had occasioned me and you may suppose that I said every thing in my power to calm her mind
As soon as she became a little collected she said it was joy not sorrow that had overpowered her weak frame the latter she had been too familiar with but the former was indeed such a long absent guest that it must be welcomed with some degree of transport—If the delicacy of her sentiments had needed any addition they would have received the highest from the sweetness of her voice and the uncommon beauty of her mouth while she uttered them
In order to restrain her acknowlegements for my interesting myself about her and her child I pressed her to relate her story and to account for the extraordinary appearances arising from her situation She bowed and proceeded with so much grace and elegance of expression that I could have hung with mute attention on her speech for a whole winters night or a long summers day and never wished her tale to have an end
The Story of Mrs WALTER
I had the misfortune to lose my father who had the honour of being a general officer in the king of Sardinias service when I was but eleven years old his name was dAlemberg—as he had many great and lucrative employments and my mother and he were both young
they indulged themselves in a thoughtless extravagance together at Turin during his life—But at his decease my mother no longer able to support the rank she had held at that court retired to Briançon to live upon the small patrimony which remained for her and me
Young as I was the loss of a fond father made a very deep impression on my mind and the perpetual affliction to which I saw my mother had devoted herself and which terminated her life in two years brought me full early acquainted with sorrow
After this irreparable loss I remained at Briançon under the care of an old maiden aunt of my fathers who had lived too much sequestered from the
world and who ignorant of the nature of youth or how to guide it supplied the place of instruction with austerity never suffered me to be a moment out of her sight and was for ever extolling her own goodness and charity in being troubled with the care of my education and maintenance—In short her manners were perfectly disagreeable and so extremely different from that delicacy and tenderness to which I had been too much accustomed that tho I strove to respect her as my aunt I found it impossible either to love or esteem her—The affections of young and amiable minds cannot center in themselves and if they are not properly attached by the ties of affinity or kindness they will most probably bestow themselves on improper objects—This was unluckily my case
The only person I was suffered to converse with except my aunt and that only at home was a girl about three years elder than myself whose mother had been formerly a servant to mine but at that time kept an inn at Briançon—This girl then as was natural I became extremely fond of and as my aunt grew every day more infirm and was often confined to her bed I found frequent opportunities of visiting my dear Nannette unknown to my severe guardian at her mothers house
In one of these till then innocent excursions my ill fate contrived that Colonel Walter should arrive at Briançon and stop at the house where I was—It was summer the evening fine and as he had no company he sauntered into
the garden where Nannette and I were sitting at work in an arbour—He accosted us with great politeness and I could perceive that my companion was highly pleased with his address—But the timidity natural to a person who had been brought up in so retired a manner as I had been made me wish to withdraw and notwithstanding his and Nannettes solicitations to the contrary I quickly returned home possessed with the first idea I had ever felt of having done wrong
I saw by the Colonels appearance that he was an officer the recollection of my father struck forcibly into my mind and I blushed with indignation to think that general dAlembergs daughter had been seen in so improper a situation
My pride was however consoled by thinking that I should never see him again and I determined to be more guarded in my future visits to my friend
The next morning very early Nannette was at my bedside and expressed some degree of resentment at my having quitted her so abruptly the preceeding night—my delicacy would not suffer me to hurt her pride by telling her my real motive for retiring I therefore said that it was owing to my apprehensions of being missed by my aunt but that I got off undiscovered and should not be so cowardly another time she seemed satisfied with this declaration and pressed me to come to her that evening She had an intire ascendant over me and notwithstanding the resolution
I had made a few hours before I readily promised to attend her
I had no doubt but that the Colonel would by that time have quitted Briançon and I would not venture to ask a question relative to him lest it might lead her to suspect my thoughts she however talked of him incessantly said he was the handsomest and most agreeable gentleman she had ever seen told me he had invited her mother and her to supper and behaved to them as if they were princesses and added she was glad he did not live in that country as she feared another interview might engage too much of her affections She rattled away in this manner till I was summoned to attend my aunt and then made me repeat my promise of going to
her the moment the old lady should retire to rest
My aunt was if possible more peevish than usual that whole day or at least her ill temper had a more than common effect upon my spirits—I longed for the evening to be released from her tyranny and to be indulged with the liberty of pouring forth my little sorrows in the bosom of my faithful Nannette
The moment that my aunt had dismissed me from her chamber I flew to my appointment without waiting to alter my dress which was a perfect deshabille and found Nannette in the arbour adorned with every little ornament that she was possessed of My
thoughts were too much affected with the disagreeableness of my own situation to make reflections on the gaiety of her appearance
I seated myself by her leaned my head upon her bosom and with a profusion of tears told her I was no longer able to bear the misery I suffered from my aunts severity—She smiled and as I thought with an air of triumph told me that I might put an end to my misfortunes as soon as I pleased for that the Colonel had assured her he had visited all the courts in Europe and had never seen any thing half so beautiful as either she or I—That for her part she was resolved to try her fortune in the world forthwith and not stay moping at Briançon till she grew old and ugly
and that if I would accompany her she did not at all doubt of our success that I might hope to marry some reigning prince and that she might at least expect to be mistress of a dukedom
I was both shocked and surprised at hearing my friend talk in this extravagant and unusual stile but before I could express my sentiments Colonel Walter came into the arbour dressed as if he had been going to court on a gala day—I confess I was struck nay dazzled with his appearance—from the time of my leaving Turin I had never seen any man finely or elegantly dressed before I now quickly perceived the advantages that Nannette received from being decked out and blushed at the inferiority of my own appearance
Every human creature has I believe some sparks of vanity in their nature and this was the fatal moment when mine were first kindled a desire of outshining Nannette who had a good deal disgusted me took immediate possession of my thoughts and my countenance was upon the instant lighted up with smiles—I have not a doubt but Colonel Walter saw through the thin veil that covered the sentiments of a creature so young and artless as I was then he at least indulged my weakness even beyond my wishes by intirely devoting his whole attention to me and totally neglecting my companion
Olivia here broke off her narrative to apologize for entering into such minute circumstances which she said was meant
to convince me of her sincerity as she was very certain that her weakness and innocence were the ground works of her ruin—
But alas exclaimed she is there not indulgence and compassion due to uneducated uninformed fifteen
I told her that her entering into those little traits of character those fine those delicate touches marked the masters hand and were a convincing proof of the goodness both of her head and heart She complimented me on my candor and returned to her story
There had been the most elegant repast provided that Briançon could afford Nannette and her mother the Colonel and I were all the party but I was the idol to whom all the incense was offered The good woman of the
house took the ton from her guest extolled my beauty and my accomplishments as extravagantly though not so agreeably as he—Nannette alone was silent—In short I became intoxicated with flattery and when the time of our parting drew near I secretly lamented at the same idea which had given me so much satisfaction the preceding night—that I should see Colonel Walter no more
The Colonel insisted on attending me home and had ordered his chaise to convey me to my aunts—But though my vanity was flattered with this mark of attention I dared not indulge it with such an eclat however I said I would permit him to walk home with me provided Nannette would accompany us—She sullenly refused—I had
then no choice and the Colonel and I set out together
When we were about to separate I wished him a good night and a pleasant journey—He threw himself at my feet caught hold of my hand swore I was the sovereign arbitress of his fate and that he would never leave Briançon till he had obtained my hand and heart but that if I cruelly refused to accept his love he would put himself to death that instant before me
Child as I was his transports terrified me I was also alarmed lest any of my aunts servants should see him so I promised if he would then retire to meet him the next evening at the inn—He made a merit of assenting to so
long an absence and after a thousand protestations of the most ardent passion and as many more tender adieus he left me plunged in such a fatal yet pleasing delirium as youth and experience only can feel What an infidel should I have thought the person who had at that moment warned me to discredit the sincerity of his profession The night passed away without sleep yet I thought it short and arose next morning even with unusual vivacity—My aunts ill temper was no longer disagreeable to me my spirits were perfectly harmonized all was peace within and chearfulness without—Towards evening I began to think that time lagged heavily in its course and wished for the setting of the sun as much as a benighted traveller for its rising
At length the welcome night arrived and set me free from my restraint I ran to my toilet to endeavour to adorn the few graces that nature had lent me—In vain—confusion interrupted my efforts and haste prevented my dispatch so that in a kind of despair I threw aside my few ornaments snatched up a little straw hat and set out on my adventures in the same careless deshabille I had appeared the night before
The moment I had got out of the view of my aunts house I was met by the Colonel who received me with an extasy that I believe was then sincere we pursued our way to the arbour where he had first seen me—On my not finding Nannette there I endeavoured to quit him and go in pursuit of her but he
held my hand and entreated me to stay till he had revealed a secret to me which was of the utmost consequence to us both—He then assured me that Nannette was not my friend and requested that I would not intrust her with the discovery he had made of his passion to me for that he feared she would betray the secret to my aunt and by that means deprive him of more than life the happiness of seeing me but that if I would be a little upon my guard she might suppose his attachment to be nothing more than common galantry which might possibly quiet the jealousy she seemed already to have conceived about it
I was shocked at the idea of deceiving or suspecting my friend yet the
gloom and dissatisfaction that appeared in her behaviour the night before made me too readily fall into this snare nay I joined in the deceit against myself by entreating that he would be more attentive to her and less particular to me on the present interview My motive for this request I solemnly declare was rather to prevent her being mortified as I saw she had been before than to remove any suspicion she might have entertained of me—For as I had perfectly acquiesced in the Colonels honour and integrity as well as my own innocence I had not the least apprehension of any ill consequence in such a compliance—Thus did this artful man disjoin me from the only person who was likely to see through his designs and could have an interest in preventing my ruin
After this discourse and abundance of protestations of the tenderest affection we joined Nannette and the Colonel left us for some time together to try as I presume the strength of his power over me—Nannette was all gayety and shewed me abundance of presents that she had received from the Colonel My heart reproached me for concealing its sentiments from her but my promise to my lover had tied my tongue and the weakness and vanity of her conduct left me less reason to regret the mortification she must feel when she should know that he was seriously attached to me
This evening passed away less pleasantly than the former—Nannette assumed a superiority over me in sense and judgment but attempted to soften her
selfsufficience by hinting at the difference of our years and experience and though this salvo did not render her behaviour less disgusting it deprived me of the power of resenting it and I retired home convinced that there were two passions awakened in my mind that I had never felt before love and hatred
Nannette and the colonel accompanied me home—At parting he put a little billet into my hand which I could not refuse to accept without letting her know that it had been offered I was even then become the slave the abject slave of love and feared to offend my future tyrant The billet contained nothing more than a repetition of passionate and tender expressions with the warmest acknowledgments for the attention
I had shewn to his request by the prudence and propriety of my conduct and the most earnest entreaties to favour him with my company the next evening
I retired to bed and I hoped to rest but sleep was vanished and with it the charming delirium that had kept me waking the foregoing night—Short was the road that I had travelled in the flowery path of pleasure yet I already found it strewed with thorns I trembled at the danger of treading it alone and lamented more piously then than ever the loss of my dear mother to whom I might have confided both my hopes and fears upon this hazardous adventure
The usual hour of my rising arrived and found my eyes unclosed and my thoughts unsettled I had neither slept nor determined on any scheme for my future conduct and when my maid came into my chamber I stept out of bed burst into a passion of tears and said softly to myself I will not see the Colonel—at least this day
I considered this determination as an amazing effort of resolution and fancied I had gained a complete victory over my infant passion The anxiety of my mind with loss of rest had brought on a slight degree of fever and the moment I quitted my aunts chamber I retired to my own threw myself on the bed and desired my maid to leave me
The poor girl who loved me tenderly was alarmed at my situation and ran directly to Nannette to tell her I was ill and to beg she would come to me—She told her she was at that time so particularly engaged that it was impossible for her to stir abroad but that she would certainly see me some time in the evening
I knew nothing of this transaction and after having passed some hours in a disagreeable state of restlessness the agitation of my mind subsided and I fell asleep—Some time after I was awaked by a light at my bedside and on opening my eyes I perceived Nannette and Colonel Walter disguised in womens cloaths standing by me the confusion which I felt both from my situation
and his is not to be expressed—He gazed upon me with such a look of ardent tenderness as covered me with blushes I turned my eyes away begged they would withdraw into another room and promised them that as soon as I had rendered my appearance decent I would wait on them
Nannette burst into a loud laugh at what she called my affected delicacy said she supposed every body was sometimes undressed and she did not see any occasion for making a difficulty about such trifles—The boldness of her manner while she spoke increased my distress and completed the dislike I had began to have conceived for her—The Colonel appeared infinitely more modest in his deportment and on his making a sign
to her to leave the chamber they both withdrew
The hurry of spirits which this unexpected visit had occasioned was increased by my apprehensions that some of the servants might detect the Colonel under his disguise and though I knew they all loved and pitied me yet I had been taught in my infancy to dread the putting myself in the power of a servant and never to let them know a circumstance which I wished should be kept secret
The moment that I entered the room where my guests were I entreated them to leave me and mentioned my reasons for wishing them gone—Nannette again made a jest of my scruples but the Colonel
treated them more seriously and asked my pardon for having brought me into any difficulty or distress by his indiscretion but pleaded both his and Nannettes anxiety for my health and insisted on my returning with them to the inn since he was certain from my appearance that I had not any complaint to prevent me—
But not to detain you Madam longer with such tedious circumstances I half reluctantly complied with his entreaties and for about three weeks longer we spent every evening together almost in the same manner as the first
I had by this time lost all affection and esteem for Nannette and had now no confidante or friend on earth to whom
I could disclose the secrets of my heart but the single person in the world from whom I should most carefully have concealed them
When he had become quite certain of his empire over my affections he proposed my quitting Briançon with him—he said my aunt was too old and perverse to be consulted on such an occasion that he neither wanted nor desired any treasure but myself for that all other considerations were below his attention—he added that his passion for me had detained him so long at Briançon that he was in danger of forfeiting his commission and his honour that if I loved him I ought not to hesitate about putting myself under his protection that our interests were now become one and that he would
defend me from every misfortune to the last moment of his life—I believed obeyed and repented
Here she paused—for this little reflection was followed by such a passion of tears that I was obliged to restrain my curiosity as you must yours for some time—I administered drops and water to my fair biographer and to you I recommend patience till the next post for my fingers are so tired that it is as impossible for me to proceed as it is to think or write upon any other subject till I have finished this therefore not one word shall I say of myself but that I am well that I long to hear from you and that I am most affectionately yours
TAKE notice my dear Fanny that I am not used to narrative writing you must therefore make allowances for me and excuse my being sometimes too circumstantial and at others too diffuse—I can only say that my translation is what all others pretend to be a faithful one
Perhaps it is so much the worse for that reason for while I am endeavouring to convey the minutest circumstances to you the elegance of expression which gave them consequence in the original is lost—But no matter for the manner of recital—if the story interests and affects you as much in the reading as it does
me in the writing I shall be satisfied with my own performance
As soon as the fair Olivia had regained her composure she proceeded thus—Weak young and infatuated with passion as I was the Colonels proposal of flying with him without marriage alarmed me and awakened all the sentiments of delicacy which are inherent to an innocent and virtuous mind yet that very delicacy prevented my having resolution to express my thoughts upon that occasion—I feared to injure his honour by seeming to doubt it—I therefore remained for some time silent upon this most interesting subject—He repeated his entreaties and pressed me to determine
I replied that I would consult my confessor He had seen the various workings
of my mind and was prepared to evade all my scruples—He objected instantly to my proposal by urging that a priest would oppose my marrying an heretic and endeavour to prevent it by acquainting my aunt but told me he had a particular friend a clergyman at Embrun who would make no difficulty of uniting us together—Thus did this artful man lull all my doubts to rest and soothe my unwary mind into a perfect dependance upon his honour fidelity and love
The night following was fixed for our departure and in an evil and inauspicious hour I ventured on a world unknown with the most inhuman and ungenerous of his sex for my conductor—I had perhaps as little to regret at leaving Briançon as any young creature who ever
took so rash and unadvised a step—I wounded not the heart of a fond parent nor drew a pitying tear from any friendly eye I had no sister on whom my disgrace might be reflected nor a brother whose tenderness might lament or honour have resented my misconduct—I stood as it were alone in the universe was dear to no one but the loved object under whose protection I now had placed myself and in whom all the affections of my heart were centered
Yet notwithstanding this very peculiar situation my heart trembled and my eyes overflowed when I got into the chaise and every league that we traveled the dejection of my spirits increased—For some time the Colonel endeavoured to dissipate my melancholy by the utmost
tenderness and I affected to appear more chearful in compliment to his attention—but he soon roused my languor into resentment by taking some unwarrantable liberties which when he found I would not suffer he attempted to excuse by saying that he had already considered me as his wife
The moment we arrived at Embrun he left me in the inn to go as he said in pursuit of his friend the clergyman—He returned in about an hour with a person to perform the ceremony and we were married directly but without any other witness for I had thrown myself out of a situation to prescribe terms and must therefore have compounded for having my own scruples satisfied by a consciousness of my being his wife leaving
the opinion of the world to its own charity about me
We remained two days at Embrun and then set out for Marseilles during our long journey my husband told me that he had some reasons for wishing to change his name and that in compliment to my christian one he would be called Olivet—I readily acquiesced in whatever he thought proper without attempting to enquire into the motives of his conduct We took a house at Marseilles and lived for four months in the utmost retirement and the most perfect happiness together—I never stirred out but to church or to take the air with my husband every wish of my fond heart was accomplished and I secretly rejoiced that he no longer talked
of joining his regiment or returning to his native country
About that time his temper and manners began to alter he was frequently sullen and gloomy and if I attempted to enquire into the cause of this change he would answer Thou art and command me to leave him—I obeyed and used to retire to my chamber and pass whole days and nights in tears—But whenever he condescended to speak to me with chearfulness I instantly forgot his past unkindness and vainly flattered myself that it would return no more
At length with some appearance of tenderness in his manner he told me that he was under an absolute necessity of leaving me for a few months as my
situation would not admit of my travelling with him from my being far advanced in my pregnancy of Olivia but that he would certainly come back to me by the time I should be recovered from my lyingin and take me with him to Ireland where his estate lay
All that I had ever suffered in my life seemed slight to the misery of parting with him I knelt I wept and implored him not to abandon me under such circumstances He was unmoved by my tears and entreaties and in a few days afterwards quitted Marseilles without even bidding me adieu—The grief I felt from this separation would I hoped have terminated my life and I fear I should have been tempted to have shortened the date of my wretched existence
had not the tenderness which I felt even for my unborn babe restrained my hand from the too frequent effects of despair My situation was certainly deplorable and I then thought that my misery could not admit of addition—I have been since but too strongly convinced that there are numberless gradations in wretchedness and that I was then but entering on my novitiate
I was so totally absorbed in sorrow at being forsaken by an husband whom notwithstanding his unkindness I both respected and loved that the common concerns of life never occurred to me till my maid came to ask me for money to support my family which consisted of two maids and a man servant I started as from a dream and in an agony
of grief ran to the Colonels desk where I found twenty louis dors sealed up in a small box labelled thus
To OLIVIA DALEMBERG
THIS sum if used with care will bring you through your lyingin but you must immediately discharge two of your servants
J WALTER
Here again the fair mourners tears interrupted her recital and must also put a stop to my translation for the present I wish extremely that I had finished the task I have undertaken for the sympathy between us is so strong that I feel my health wasting as her tale proceeds There is a story that some unhappy woman had blasted a great oaktree
once by constantly mourning her griefs beneath its shade This fable does not appear unnatural to me under my present sensations—And yet so sweet the poison is that I would rather have listened to her doleful ditty than to all the carols of the most festive mirth
What can be the reason of so unnatural a preference How oddly compounded is the human heart But most admirably framed surely for what appears to the vulgar to be its contradictions are in the language of philosophy but its contrasts only Its perfection consists in this as much as the harmony of nature depends on an opposition of elements—The heat of fire the coldness of water the heaviness of earth and the lightness of air
You may observe that I take the advantage of every opportunity for reflection in order to guard my mind as much as possible from the danger of thinking I shall leave you to explain this paradox to yourself and am my dearest friend
your truly affectionate but unhappy sister L BARTON
MY dear Fanny I am now sitting down to conclude I hope the sufferings of my fair Narrator which I shall endeavour to do without any further interruption for though the listening to her story had a great deal of what I deem the luxury of woe in it I fear that this delicate sensation may have evaporated from the frequent breaks in the recital as much as the original spirit has in my translation—but at at all hazards I will now proceed
On perusing this shocking and surprising manuscript continued Mrs Walter
my head turned round and I had just presence of mind sufficient to convey it into my pocket before I dropt upon the floor The servants heard me fall and came to my assistance—Happy would it have been for me if they had spared their cruel officiousness and suffered me to have expired at that moment
My distress and despondency upon this occasion may appear unaccountable perhaps to others An husbands leaving his wife sometimes upon several occasions of business was not so uncommon a case as to have alarmed me—But there is a sort of praesentiment in the mind, which often forebodes approaching ills philosophy must here be at a stand This circumstance cannot be accounted
for from nature as the present situation may have no sensible connection with the future events nor can such an effect be imputed to Providence neither without the impiety of supposing it capable of rendering us wretched before our time by giving us a hint of misfortunes to come without supplying us with the means of avoiding them
Besides did not the address of his billet the stiling me by my own sirname of dAlemberg instead of Walter or even that of dOlivet which he had artfully prevailed on me to assume during our residence together at Marseilles sufficiently evince that he no longer meant to consider me as his wife for the future This circumstance too supplied me with a strong reason also to suspect
that in reality I had no legal title to that claim as the unknown person who had so clandestinely performed the ceremony might not probably have been properly qualified by the orders of any church to have officiated in the marriage rites
It was perhaps no small aggravation to my misfortunes to reflect that had not my own indiscretion aided his dishonour I should not now have been so totally abandoned unjustified unfriended and unsustained to the sport of fortune to the mercy of a malignant censorious and unpitying world
Some days after this event I was lying on my bed in a state of stupid distraction when the sudden stopping of a
chaise at my door roused me from my lethargy—I leaped off the bed and flew down stairs crying out he is returned my life my love my husband—But judge of my astonishment madam when I saw Nannette enter the door—Her face was thin and pale but she appeared farther advanced in her pregnancy than I and seemed from the expression of her countenance to be at that instant in the pangs of labour
She accosted me with the grossest abuse called me vile deceitful wretch said I had seduced her husband from her that she was come to claim him and to cover me with the infamy I deserved alternately called for her dear Colonel Walter and implored assistance to save hers and her infants life
Amidst the variety of passions which in those moments preyed upon my wretched heart compassion was the strongest I had her immediately conveyed to my chamber and placed in my own bed I sent for the bed assistance that could be had and in a few hours she was delivered of a son who lived but three days The agitations of her mind brought on a violent fever but even in her ravings she continued to accuse me as the sole cause of all her sufferings and uttered the most vehement imprecations against me
From the moment of Nannettes arrival I could perceive that my servants treated me with less respect than usual they doubtless believed her story and thought that my receiving her into my
house was at once a proof both of my guilt and fear—The physician and apothecary who attended her divulged the tale abroad and I was looked upon by the whole city of Marseilles as one of the most abandoned wretches
I know nothing that creates such an irksome sensation in the mind, as imputed guilt but the very delicacy that makes us feel it most serves to restrain us from entering into a vindication as this would be to admit it possible at least it might be true—Under such a difficulty I then laboured and this nicety supported by the natural courage of innocence inclined me rather to acquiesce in the censure than engage in so public a justification of myself as this unhappy womans charge against me seemed to require
and she was not herself at that time in a fit condition either of mind or body to have listened to my defence
Nannettesdelirium continued about fifteen days during which time the miserable pittance that Colonel Walter had left me was exhausted and I was seized with the pains of labour without being mistress of a single livre or credit in the place Death was at that time the supreme object of my wishes yet in regard to my dear babe that now approached the light I sent for my confessor related to him every circumstance that I have repeated to you implored his protection for the unborn innocent and put a shagreen case which contained the portraits of both my parents with some jewels into his hands which had been
bequeathed me by my dear mother on her death bed and which I had ever since preserved as a relic with the most pure devotion
Truth generally affords conviction to an ingenuous mind the good father heard my story believed it pitied my distress and gave me every consolation that my wretched state could admit of by administering the rites of the church and assuring me in the most solemn manner that he would take the utmost care of my child in case it should survive its unhappy mother I likewise recommended Nannette to his humanity—He promised that while she remained ill all her wants should be supplied and if she recovered he would furnish her with the means of returning home again to her mother
Peace once more took possession of my breast and a thorough resignation to the will of Heaven triumphed for a while over that distracting inquietude which had well nigh destroyed both my mind and body—But the arrow of incurable affliction was still lodged in my heart and the temporary calm that I then enjoyed was occasioned rather by my weakness than my strength
It pleased Heaven that I was soon and safely delivered of my beloved Olivia and from the moment of her birth all selfish apprehensions vanished I no longer felt a pang but for her and never ceased lamenting her being involved in the miseries of her mother Though doating on her as I did I a thousand times wished she had been born of any other parent
and yet am certain I would not have parted with her to a queen
In about ten days after I was brought to bed the good father who had supplied me with every necessary and visited me constantly came into my chamber with an unusual vivacity in his looks—Be of good cheer Madam said he Providence never forsakes the virtuous and patient sufferer—Heaven has been pleased through my weak endeavours to raise you up a friend who is at once inclined and capable of relieving you from your distress and establishing a certain supply for your future competence—Madame de Fribourg will be here in a few minutes and is coming to take you under her roof and protection but before it is possible for you to remove
there I will inform you how this instance of good fortune has been brought about and furnish you with some instructions that may conduce towards rendering you agreeable to your patroness—But while he was yet speaking the marchioness de Fribourg entered and interrupted him
I have already told you that I had lodged Nannette in my own chamber and was of course obliged to lyein in my maids room—The first words the Marchioness uttered were Heavens what a place for the child of my friend my dear madame dAlemberg She stept forward and embraced me then raised her glass to her eye and surveyed me with the most critical and distressing attention I was so extremely confused both by the suddenness and manner of her
entering and address that I could neither speak nor move
From the death of that dear mother she mentioned I had never seen a woman that was capable of inspiring me with respect or awe before—her appearance commanded both—A sudden gush of tears relieved me for a moment and seemed to soften the farouche demeanour of my future benefactress—She quickly made an apology for having mentioned my mother seated herself by me laid aside her glass and took my hand with infinite grace but no softness
The marchioness was about fifty years old she was uncommonly tall had been remarkably handsome her eyes large black and piercing but the whole contour
of her countenance was rather hard than pleasing—there was an air of fierté expressed throughout her whole appearance that inclined you at first sight rather to fear than love her
She told me that my confessor who was also hers had informed her of my distress but that chance had brought her acquainted with my being the daughter of her friend that as such I might depend on her good offices and regard and added that she hoped I should be ready to set out with her in a few days for Paris where she was then going and that she would order her woman to provide a proper nurse to leave my child with
The idea of parting with my daughter shocked me extremely—I fell at her feet
and as if she had been the arbitress of my fate implored her not to divide me from my child said that this infant was now the only blessing I possessed in life and that nothing but death or her happiness should ever part us
She gazed at me with a mixture of surprise and contempt and said that if Pere Guillaume had informed her I was such a pretty simpleton she would have saved me and herself the trouble of a visit but that she believed there was something contagious in folly since she found herself inclined to comply with my absurd request though she detested children but that her hotel at Paris being large enough to prevent her hearing it squall I might bring the brat with me provided I did not insist on her being plagued with it during our journey
I was transported with even this uncouth and forced permission I kissed her hand and bathed it with my tears told her she had rendered me extremely happy and that I would endeavour to deserve her indulgence by every mark of gratitude and attention in my power She seemed pleased and somewhat affected and at quitting me she gave me a purse of fifty Louisdors bid me prepare for my journey by that day sennight said she would not desire me to come to her house at Marseilles because she meant to surprise her husband by finding me in her suite without his knowlege and desired that I might still retain the name of dOlivet
This was the most sudden transition I had ever experienced from sorrow to
joy and tho I could not possibly know what sort of state I was going to enter into yet I thought any change must be for the better—It was also the first time I had ever had any thing like business to transact in my life and the having it in my power to discharge my debts and servants composed my mind into a state of the most pleasing tranquility imaginable—Nannette however remained still a weight upon my spirits in addition to that misfortune that then did and ever will oppress them
In a short time after the marchioness had left me the good father Guillaume returned he brought with him the shagreen case which I had intrusted him with the contents untouched except a diamond ring which he had been obliged to
dispose of to answer the expences of my family and delivered me twelve Louis dors the remainder of thirty he had sold it for—The sight of my dear parents pictures affected me extremely I kissed and bathed them with my tears and most piously thanked my good patroness in my heart for this article of her bounty more than all the rest that she had saved me from the misery of parting with those dear remains
Father Guillaume told me that he had related my story to madame de Fribourg without mentioning who I was and shewed her the jewels in hopes that she would purchase them which she refused but the moment she beheld the portraits she snatched up one of them exclaiming with surprize and joy this this is—was—
my near relation and my dearest friend Olivia dAlemberg upon which he acquainted her with my name and family and she promised on the instant to take care of me but insisted on his not informing me that she had acknowledged any manner of affinity between us
He then gave me the marchionesss character and history in a few words—Pride vanity an insatiable desire of admiration and a fondness for play he said were her great foibles but that she was friendly generous and humane when these virtues did not interfere with her passions—He said she had been married young to the marquis de Fribourg that he had been dead about ten years and had left her immensely rich that she had since married monsieur de Lovaine
a young soldier of fortune who treated her very cavalierly and of whom she was extravagantly fond and jealous—He told me that he had furnished me with this little charte du païs in hopes I should be able to steer my course by it to safety and happiness
He then informed me that he had written to a friend of his in Ireland to inquire after Colonel Walter but that as I had not been able to ascertain even the name of the province where his fortune lay it was possible nay probable from the dissoluteness of his character that I might never see or hear of him again—He intreated me therefore to strive wholly to forget him and devote my whole attention to the cultivation of the marchionesss friendship and the
education of my child—He promised to remember me in his prayers and to favour me with his advice by letter then took a most affectionate leave of me as he was obliged to quit Marseilles for a few days to perform some business by command of his superior
I had not seen Nannette from the time of my being taken ill but as I knew she was recovering though slowly I fancied I was then able to bear an interview with her and acquaint her with my design of quitting Marseilles I meant to offer her every assistance in my power and take leave of her I hoped for life
I accordingly proceeded to her chamber—but no words can express the surprise and horror that affected me at seeing
her—Her whole frame was convulsed and every feature distorted and enlarged The moment she beheld me she seemed to acquire new strength and endeavoured to revile me with as much bitterness as when she arrived first at Marseilles
She had however no longer the power of raising any passion in me but pity—I said every thing that was possible to calm her mind assured her I had never knowingly injured her and that I had certainly been as much if not more imposed on and deceived by Colonel Walter than herself
I then proceeded to relate with the utmost exactness the Colonels whole behaviour from his first meeting to his
quitting me during the recital of which she wept often her countenance became more placid and composed and when I had finished my story she asked my pardon a thousand times for the injury she had done me and confessed I was much more to be pitied than herself on account of my youth and inexperience
She confessed too that the formalities of marriage had never passed between them but shewed me a paper he had given her by which he had engaged to acknowledge her as his wife at some future aera And with regard to the marked attention which he had shewn to me he assured her he meant nothing more by it than merely to deceive her mother—and in order to carry on the plot said he was obliged to spend a few weeks at
Embrun upon a particular business and desired her to hold herself in readiness to come off to him there at a minutes warning on a summons which he promised to send her from thence
Matters being thus settled between them her mind she said was quite at ease on his departure—till she heard of my elopement with him the morning after it happened which threw her into a state of distraction for several months but not hearing from him all that time and beginning at last to apprehend that her situation would quickly discover her misconduct and cover her with infamy she determined to follow him to Embrun and as she could not suppose that he had ventured to have entered into firmer engagements with me than he had already
done with her she considered herself as having a prior right to the title of his wife and resolved to assert her claim
She then took a small sum of money from her mother to whom at length she had revealed the secret and came off post to Embrun as it had been known that we had taken that route but upon missing us there she had with almost incredible difficulty and after numberless delays attended by illness and fatigue on the way traced us to Marseilles where she acknowledged that she owed her life to my unmerited humanity—she then poured forth many severe excecrations against Colonel Walter said she would not return to Briançon but if she should recover would pursue him all over the world till she had received satisfaction
at least in revenge for his perjured faith and villainy
She told me that my aunt had not expressed either rage or surprise at my going off but seemed rather to be sufficiently consoled for my loss by being freed from the expence of my future maintenance—There is a material difference between the belief and certainty of a fact—and though I had hitherto supposed that her insensibility might have prevented her from grieving at the impropriety of my conduct or the misfortunes which might probably attend it I could not bear to be convinced of my own insignificance by her inhumanity—I felt humbled and mortified at this account as if I had received some fresh injury
Before I knew any thing of Madame de Fribourg I had many times thought of returning to Briançon of throwing myself at my only surviving parents feet and of endeavouring to obtain her pardon for my offending self and her protection for my unoffending child—But now the idea vanished like a dream and I thought of no other resource but the marchionesss kindness
After having discharged all my little debts I had about thirteen Louisdors left and the day before I quitted Marseilles I took leave of Nannette and presented her with ten of them I begged to hear from her and left a line recommending her to the care of the good Father Guilaume and we parted from each
other with all the tokens and feelings of revived friendship
When the Marchionesss equi
From that moment he became lively and so perfectly polite and attentive to the Marchioness that not only she but I was charmed with his behaviour and our long journey was rendered perfectly agreeable by the pleasing concord that appeared between as I then thought this happy pair
On our arrival at Paris the marchioness allotted me an apartment in her hotel and ordered two of her women to attend particularly on me and my child she requested that I would get the better of my air triste and appointed a musicmaster and a dancingmaster to instruct and fashion me
Southfield
AS I have now happily set the fair narrator down safe at the hotel de Fribourg you will give us both leave to rest ourselves a little for though I am still you perceive running on yet I find that a change of subjects relieves the fatigue of writing
While she was relating her story I felt infinitely more than you can possibly do in reading it the seeing the very object of distress before us is a vast improvement to the pathetic besides that along with my compassion towards her and my resentment against her husband there was mixed up a certain sensation of horror
at being lodged under the roof of such a villain
I honour Shakespeare for asking by the mouth of Lear
Can there be any cause in nature for these hard hearts
And am charmed with Sadi the great Indian philosopher for saying that Il ne faut quun soupir de linnocence opprimée pour remeur le monde The extravagance of the eastern manner of expression cannot hurt the nobleness of the sentiment
We have heard nothing from any of the party since they left us nor have we been encumbered with neighbourly visits since our return home—But our weather is fair our woods are dry our hearth and hearts are warm and Harriet Lucy and I find sufficient society
in ourselves to shorten the day and lengthen the evening being too loth to part at night
The next post I shall resume my narrative which may serve to divert us both from too close an attention to our own unhappiness—Till then
Adieu
Southfield
MY story is already prefaced so I need but proceed repeating as before after Mrs Walter
For the first ten or twelve days that I passed at Paris the novelty of the scene with the grandeur and brilliancy of the objects that surrounded me lifted me as it were out of myself and helped me for that time almost to forget my misfortunes The marchioness made me several very
considerable presents and ordered her trades people to attend me that I might chuse my own cloaths only desiring they might be handsome enough to appear in along with her
Madame de Fribourg received a vast deal of company and kept very late hours monsieur de Lovaine was seldom of her parties and sometimes withdrew himself intirely from the house for a fortnight together she used to appear dissatisfied at his absence and frequently complained to me of the coldness and constraint of his manners towards her—He used sometimes to visit me in my apartment seemed fond of my little Olivia and often wished that he had such another child—He said the marchionesss mode of living was by much too gay and
dissipated for him and that he languished for the pleasures of society in a more rational course of life
Small as was my knowlege of the world I could not help perceiving that there was something particular in monsieur de Lovaines address whenever he spoke to me but this circumstance however was not of a nature to give offence as it amounted to nothing more than an additional softness in his looks and voice
The marchioness certainly perceived it as well as I and would often fix her piercing eyes upon me and ask me if Colonel Walter was as handsome as monsieur de Lovaine I always replied as I really thought that the Colonel was by far the handsomest man I had ever
seen—She used to appear pleased with what she called my simplicity—At other times her manners were severe towards me and though perfectly convinced of my own innocence I began soon to fear that I was become the object of her jealousy
This idea was productive of the most fatal consequences to my peace it rendered my behaviour timid and constrained before her and totally deprived me of that ease and chearfulness which I had before endeavoured to assume in hopes of rendering myself agreeable to my kind benefactress—This alteration in me which her own manners had occasioned she construed into the effect of guilt and became every day more cold and reserved towards me
scarce ever asked me to go out with her and as often affected to be surprised when she saw me come into her drawingroom
Though my situation with the marchioness was by no means the ne plus ultra of my hopes and wishes which continually pressed forward to the meeting of Olivias father my still loved cruel husband yet certainly I had reason to consider it as an happy asylum for my child and me her bounty had rescued both of us from the iron hand of poverty and placed us in the lap of plenty of honour and of ease How then could I bear the being suspected of repaying such benefits with the basest sort of ingratitude It was impossible I determined therefore to come to an explanation
with the marchioness if possible to convince her of my innocence and do all in my power to recover her esteem but if I failed of removing her suspicions I firmly resolved to quit her directly to throw myself and my infant once more into a merciless world to labour for our bread and suffer any misery that poverty could afflict me with rather than that of embittering her life to whom I owed the generous support of my own
I had revolved this subject in my thoughts for several days and impatiently waited for an opportunity of executing my scheme but the distance and hauteur of madame de Fribourgs manner overawed me still I found I could not muster up spirit sufficient to speak
to her on such an interesting topic and I resolved therefore to communicate my sentiments to her in writing
One evening that she went to the Italian comedy I retired to my chamber in order to execute my purpose and that I might not be interrupted I desired the maid who attended Olivia to take her down stairs and amuse her till I should ring for her to come up as I had some letters of consequence to write—She withdrew I bolted my chamber door sat down to the task I had assigned myself—I found it infinitely more difficult than I had imagined I wrote and burned several sheets of paper and blotted others with my tears
In this situation I heard a key turn as it were behind the arras and saw
monsieur de Lovaine entering by a door which had been till then concealed from me I started up when he threw himself instantly at my feet said he had long waited in vain for the opportunity of finding me alone for a moment and hoped I would pardon his acquainting me perhaps a little too abruptly with a secret on which more than his life his happiness depended—to be short he then declared his love for me with all the asseverations protestations and transports that the most violent passion could suggest
No words can paint the surprise and confusion of my mind which I thought it was impossible to augment till I saw the marchioness come in at the door which monsieur de Lovaine had left open
and find him on his knees before me Luckily for me I was saved from distraction by the total suspension of all my faculties and I sunk motionless in my chair
Many hours passed before my reason returned—My recollection of the events that had happened on the preceding night was such as one feels on awaking from a painful dream yet I flattered myself I should still be able to undeceive the marchioness by the most solemn assurances of my innocence and though I could never hope to regain her favour justice methought ought to have restored me to the place I had before obtained in her esteem—Alas I knew not then that jealousy like the adder is at once sharpsighted deaf and venomous
I rose as soon as it was day and upon inquiring for the papers which I left upon my table was informed that the marchioness had taken them away—I waited impatiently for her rising I was determined to throw myself at her feet the moment I should be permitted to see her to acquaint her with every sentiment of my heart and to set hers at ease on my account by withdrawing myself from hers and monsieur de Lovaines sight for ever
While I was ruminating on my unhappy situation a servant brought me the following letter
A Madame DOLIVET
AFTER the scene I was last night an accidental witness of you cannot I
suppose be weak enough to imagine that it is any longer in your power to impose upon me or that all your art consummate as it is can prevail on me to continue my protection to the most ungrateful of her sex Your deeplaid scheme of deceiving me by that letter which you and my unworthy husband had concerted together cannot now take effect contempt must follow such a detection and render you as much below my resentment as you ever were beneath my esteem
In regard to myself I must inform you that though I have long suspected an improper intercourse between monsieur de Lovaine and you I was not actuated by so mean a motive as seeking the conviction I met with when I entered
your apartment—Impelled by the regard I once had for you I was impatient to acquaint you with what I then imagined might have been a welcome piece of intelligence by informing you that the person you call your husband is in Paris and that I had seen him at the Comedie
It did not at that moment occur to me how unwelcome both the news and the messenger might be to you—On inquiring for you when I came home I was told that you had bolted your door and given orders not to be disturbed even by your darling child I knew not but you might be ill or gone to bed and therefore to avoid alarming you thought of the private door which your lover had been so careless as to leave
open behind him—I do not mean this detail as an apology to you but as a justification to myself
I have nothing farther to add because I must suppose it unnecessary to command you to quit my house your new protector will I doubt not furnish you with proper accommodation and from this moment I am determined never to hear see speak or if possible think of you more
MARIANA DE FRIBOURG
I sat down on the instant and wrote to the marchioness and in the strongest and most affecting terms implored her to admit me to her presence for a few minutes—but in vain she returned my letter unopened with a message by her woman
that she would never read a line that I should write or ever suffer me into her presence more
I grew almost distracted at this treatment and tried to force my way into her apartment but was prevented from entering by her servants and treated like what I really then was a poor frantic wretch
The consciousness of my integrity might possibly have supported my spirits at any other time but the terrors I felt lest the marchioness should see my husband before I did and poison his mind with her unjust suspicions were not to be endured—My situation was as completely miserable as any thing but guilt could possibly have rendered it
While I laboured under these agonizing sensations monsieur de Lovaine entered my apartment—The moment I beheld him rage for the first time of my life became the predominant passion of my soul I accused him as the author of all my wretchedness would not suffer him to speak though he was prostrate at my feet and commanded him to fly from my sight for ever—Unwilling to irritate me farther he rose and retired and had there been an instrument of death within my reach I fear I might at that instant have put an end to a wretched being which saw itself marked out for destruction
I was at last informed by the marchionesss orders that a fiacre waited to carry me where I pleased—Though I had
been near ten months at Paris I was as much a stranger in that great city as on the day I first arrived there I implored the servant who had attended Olivia not to forsake me and to direct whither I should go and what course I should take She applied to her lady for leave to attend me but she had not humanity sufficient to grant her request—The girl had however resolution and compassion enough to disobey her commands and accompanied me to a small house in the suburbs of St Germains that belonged to her sister
As soon as she had brought me there she returned again to the hotel de Fribourg without my knowledge to pack up my cloaths and her own—When she came back she gave me a
pocket book which she said I had left behind me as soon as I saw it I knew it was not mine and desired she would find the owner and restore it—She opened it and a letter dropped out addressed to me—the hand appeared to be the marchionesss and it occurred to me that she might have so far relented as to acquaint me with what she knew of Colonel Walter—I instantly broke the seal and read as follows
A Madame DOLIVET
MADAM if as we are taught to believe penitence may atone for the greatest crimes the true sorrow and contrition which I feel for having rendered you unhappy entitles me to hope for your forgiveness—But though you should be generous enough to grant it it is
impossible that I should ever forgive myself—Do not be alarmed madam at the little artifice I have used in endeavouring to counterfeit the marchionesss hand I mean nothing more by it than to plead for pardon and to satisfy you that I shall never more attempt to disturb your peace
The moment I have sealed this I shall quit Paris perhaps for ever—The sight of my tyrant is now become odious to me and I dare not flatter myself with the happiness of ever again beholding you I go then Madam to indulge my unhappy passion in silence and retirement—I fly from the object of my hatred to the contemplation of her whom I adore of her to whom the warmest wishes of my heart shall for
ever be devoted and to whom I shall for ever remain
a passionate but an honourable lover CHARLES DE LOVAINE
PS I hear the happy possessor of your heart is now in Paris may your virtues meet with their return from his kindness and may he if possible have as high a sense of them as the despairing
C L
Enclosed in this letter there was a bank note for two hundred louis dors which I immediately sealed up with it and sent Maria to deliver back into the hands of monsieur de Lovaine but he had quitted the marchionesss house an
hour before that time and no person could tell where he was gone to
The violent agitation of spirits I had gone through brought on a feverish complaint and though I had resolved to go alas I knew not where in pursuit of Colonel Walter I found myself unable to sit up and was obliged to submit to my disorder—I grew worse every hour and by the next morning I became delirious—The physician who attended me thought it was impossible that I should recover and at the end of six weeks my being able to crawl across the chamber was deemed a prodigy
The anxiety of my mind doubtless retarded my recovery my impatience to see Colonel Walter or at least to hear
something of him increased every day and Marias sister was sent to inquire for him at all the hotels and houses of English resort in Paris but without ever receiving the least glimmering of light to trace him by
As soon as my strength would permit I was carried in a sedan to the Luxemburg gardens Maria attended that I might lean on her in case I should be able to walk—I was moving slowly on in one of the most retired walks when I heard Colonel Walters voice I turned quick to look for him and saw him coming towards me with another gentleman—But I saw no more my senses forsook me in spite of Marias sustaining arm I fell motionless on the ground
The first emotions of humanity naturally brought both these persons to my assistance the colonel raised me in his arms and carried me to the next seat but the moment he beheld my face he started from me and cried out Come away my lord and leave that abandoned woman to practise her arts on other men for here they cannot be successful
He then took hold of his companion dragged him off and quitted the gardens with the utmost precipitation—And though Maria had sense enough to know that this must have been the person we had so long been in search of yet it was impossible for her to quit me in the situation I then was in order to pursue and watch his haunts
This last shock quite overcame my spirits I was conveyed home in a state of insensibility fell from one fainting fit into another and for several weeks my existence was marked only by the hourly expectation of my dissolution—Yet was I at that time more anxious to live than I had ever been before I had seen my husband and hoped there was a possibility of seeing him again of clearing my innocence and at least of placing my beloved child under the protection of her father These were strong motives and they operated accordingly—I recovered to the amazement of every creature that knew me and again vainly renewed my search after my unkind fugitive
Maria used sometimes to visit a favourite fellowservant at the marchionnesss
who told her it was universally believed in the family that I had had an amour with Monsieur de Lovaine that he had entirely absented himself from his lady and that she seemed inclined to console herself for his loss by a particular intimacy with an English gentleman who made one in all her parties and was going with her in a few days to the waters of Barege—The description she gave of his person exactly resembled Conel Walter and I was perfectly convinced that this new friend of the marchionesss was my still beloved deceived and unkind husband
I had no person to consult who was capable of advising me how I should act upon this occasion and amidst a variety of wild and romantic schemes I at last
pitched on that of writing to him and requesting the favour of an interview in the character of a stranger I had no doubt that if he accepted my invitation nature would recover her rights in his heart and that the sight of a woman whom he had once fondly loved and cruelly deserted with the additional influence of his lovely child would melt his obdurate nature or at least soften it so far as to allow me to assert my innocence and endeavour to awaken the feelings of parental affection if every other species of tenderness were even totally extinguished
Full of these fond ideas I wrote to him in an ambiguous stile disguised my hand as much as possible and would not even venture to direct my letter lest the recollection of my writing which is rather
particular should prevent his opening it—Maria prevailed on her friend who lived at the marchionesss to deliver this billet to his servant and to desire that the answer might be left with her
Every thing answered to my expectations and the morning following I received a very galant note assuring me that the person I had honoured with my invitation would most gladly accept of the favour I intended him and have the happiness of waiting on me at eight oclock that evening
My poor foolish heart exulted with joy at the success of my little stratagem I dressed and undressed Olivia an hundred times in order to try if I could add any ornament to her natural beauty and
render her more lovely in her fathers eyes—as to myself I disdained the aid of dress well knowing that my wan complexion and my wasted form could only furnish him with such a reproachful idea as my ghost might have done of what I was when he forsook me
I counted the minutes quicker than they passed and thought them ages till the appointed hour arrived—but gracious Heaven how shall I express the astonishment I felt when I saw an utter stranger enter the room with a mixture of libertinism and freedom in his looks and manners I let go Olivias hand which I had held in mine gave a loud shriek and fainted
Maria ran to my assistance the stranger gazed intently on me and said to her
with a kind of sneer it was a pity that her lady was subject to such violent disorders but hoped she would recover her health before she made another assignation with him for he had seen her faint twice and he did not think fits were the least addition to female beauty—However as he believed she might be in distress he would make her a present of five guineas for the sake of an old friend of hers honest Jack Walter—and that when he came back from Barege he would call upon her again in hopes of finding her in a more sociable state than she appeared to be at present
Maria instantly recollected that this gentleman was with the Colonel the day we met him in the Luxemburg gardens and endeavoured to convince him that
he was not the person I expected to see he said that was impossible for he had my note in his pocket and had shewn it to Colonel Walter who knew my writing perfectly well though I had attempted to disguise it—She tried every argument to make him take back his money but in vain and as he found that I did not immediately come to myself he quitted the house with strong expressions of dissatisfaction at his disappointment
This last stroke was infinitely more severe than all that I had yet endured I now saw the impossibility of ever clearing my conduct to my husband and devoted as I was by him to infamy the peaceful asylum of the sheltering grave was now become my only hope or wish
even a mothers tenderness could not reconcile me to such unmerited and endless sufferings that virtuous fondness which had sustained me through all my former trials was now absorbed in mean selflove and I could not refrain from praying for an end of my misery though certain that my Olivias misfortunes must commence from the conclusion of mine
I languished on for many months in this state of passive despair when the fight of the good father Guillaume whom I had never heard from since I left Marseilles and of course concluded to be dead brought back a gleam of joy
He told me that after his return to Marseilles he had a long and severe illness and on his recovery had been obliged
to go to Rome on business that he had written to me several times and was grieved to find that his letters had miscarried—He informed me that Nannette had died in about six weeks after I left her that she was extremely penitent for the injuries she had done me and retracted every thing she had said to my prejudice—I dropped tears at her untimely fate—while my own misery taught me to envy that lot which my humanity lamented
The marchioness had written to father Guillaume and accused me of the basest ingratitude to her and the most infamous conduct with regard to myself and the good man had come on purpose to Paris to be as he said convinced of my innocence or to relinquish his opinion
of female virtue The situation he found me in afforded him sufficient conviction of my integrity and when I related the circumstances in which I had been involved the gracious drops of pity that he shed for my distress were like a healing balm to my poor wounded heart
He would have gone directly to the marchioness and tried to undeceive her but she had been at Barege for some time and no one knew whether she would go from thence to Paris or Marseilles—He undertook to find out Colonel Walter for me if he remained in Paris and cheared my spirits with the hope that he would at least vindicate my injured character and leave him no excuse for the inhumanity of his behaviour
After a fruitless search of several weeks he learned that Colonel Walter was then at Genoa—He wrote to him in the most forcible terms in my favour but to this and many other letters he never deigned an answer though we were satisfied that he had received them from the hand of a person that Father Guillaume could depend on who afterwards informed us of the Colonels setting out for England and of his design of returning to settle in his native country
As to myself I had now no hope left of ever recovering his esteem or my reputation—To my great joy I perceived I was going fast into a consumption but though I longed for my release it was impossible to quit my little charge exposed to all the miseries of unfriended
youth without suffering the severest agonies and after many consultations upon the subject I at last acquiesced in Father Guillaumes opinion that it was my duty not to leave her totally an orphan but to place her and myself under the protection of her father before I should be taken from her
Upon this principle I set out for Ireland as soon as I had received information through Father Guillaumes means of my husbands being there I arrived about four months ago my reception surpassed even my apprehensions inhumanity and insult were added to unkindness and my not being turned out to perish in the highway was accounted a favour far beyond my desert—What account the Colonel gave of me to his servants I
can only suppose but he told me that if ever I attempted to converse with one of them I should not remain another moment in his house he commanded me never again to appear in his sight and confined me to a wretched garret where I am supplied with such food as his servants think proper to afford me
Unworthy as I am I have often repined at the continuance of my existence but I now bless the chastening hand that has enabled me to support my miseries to this auspicious hour when I can no longer doubt that my child shall find protection from your humanity and no more be involved in the unhappy fate that has so long attended her truly wretched mother
The agonies which Mrs Walter sustained during the recital of her affecting story made me fear that her death would bring it to a period before she had finished the relation—But my appearing as I really was sincerely interested in her misfortunes seemed to furnish her with such a recruit of strength and spirits as enabled her to undergo the reflection and recital of her unmerited sorrows
The morning was pretty far advanced by the time Mrs Walter had concluded her narrative I gave her the strongest assurances of my doing every thing in my power both for herself and her child—I pressed her to take share of my bed for a few hours which she refused though she seemed so faint and exhausted as to be scarce able to get up stairs She said
if Olivia should awaken and miss her she would be alarmed and might disturb the family She added that one of her greatest anxieties for some time past had been for what her child should feel if she should happen to expire in the night and that the little helpless innocent should find her cold and insensible to her soft touch and voice
As soon as she left me I went to bed but found it impossible to rest—I knew not in what manner to act Sir William would probably be displeased at my interfering in Colonel Walters affairs yet was I determined at all events to fulfil my promise to this amiable unfortunate and protect her and her child as far as it might be in my power
With this resolution I shall now take leave of my dearest Fanny as I am extremely fatigued with writing yet would not trespass so far on your patience as to break off again till I had concluded Mrs Walters story—But interested as I am for her be assured that I am much more so for my beloved Fanny and Sir George
Where is he now my sister has Mrs Colvilles mystery been explained is his heart more at ease after it and has yours yet recovered that tranquility which should be the portion of the good and amiable Alas why is it not unalienably so Yet Mrs Walter wastes her days in sorrow my Fanny mourns her illrequited love Sir George hangs pensive oer his Delias tomb and my sad heart too much in unison with mournful tones
responsive echoes back the sighs of all and mingles plaintive notes for its own woes
Adieu my dearest sister
A Thousand thanks to my dear Louisa for the pleasing painful entertainment which she has taken the trouble of affording me—which is at present more particularly suited to my situation than any other that could possibly be devised
In quest of happiness we should for ever cast our eyes downward and the
tears that flow from them in contemplating the miseries of those who are more wretched than ourselves will at elast stifle the voice of selflove and silence the complaints that arise from lesser sorrows—sometimes imaginary ones
When I compare my sufferings with those of the unfortunate Olivia I am shocked at my own ingratitude and impiety for having ever dared to say I was unhappy The greatest misery I have endured falls infinitely short of the least of hers—
Like her I have been forsaken by the man I love but then I have not like her been exposed to want and ignominy Sheltered in the fostering arms of tender and affectionate friends who sympathize
even with my weakness in lamenting an inconstant lover blessed with reputation health and fortune—these circumstances render the comparison so very unfair that it must be disadvantageous to make it No she is alone the paragon of unearned sufferings and I hope there is not any one person living who has a right to dispute the
painful preeminence
with her—
But where is she now Louisa It is not possible that you can have left her in that Pandaemonium which the great fiend inhabits I cannot speak of Colonel Walter in milder terms I am provoked that the infernal should have any shadow of pretence for his barbarity to his angelic wife—When the world once gets hold of a tale of scandal is it not easy
to wrest it from them—That wicked marchioness—but there will be no end to my letter if I go on entering into particulars
All I can say upon the whole is this that I fear your bringing her to Southfield may engage Sir William in a strife either with the Colonel or yourself no one can tell which part he will take I should rather apprehend his siding with the monster and quarrelling with you for intermeddling
To avoid all this apprehension if Mrs Walter be able to bear the journey on the easiest terms it can be made to her request you to send her and her child over to me as quick as possible I will receive her with open arms and do
every thing in my power to procure her health and peace I have no person to whom I am accountable for my conduct and therefore stand clearer from difficulty in this affair than you do
I hope these reasons will incline both Mrs Walter and you to comply with my entreaty and that I shall soon have the happiness of embracing the two lovely Olivias—She may depend on my secrecy I can prepare this family in half an hour for the reception of a lady and her daughter from France whom I have invited to spend some time with me I will carry her to Bristol or any other place that may aid her recovery—She must not die Louisa and for Heavens sake let me have the happiness of being concerned in her preservation
I fear self his predominated too much in this wish for indeed I look forward with an uncommon degree of impatience to the pleasure of having it in my power to serve such an amiable creature—Do my Louisa then indulge me with the true enjoyment of the fortune I am possessed of—Let me know the transport of succouring merit in distress and I shall henceforward look upon riches as a real blessing
I have this moment received a letter from our dear brother that has amazed me—What think you is the pretended request of the dying Delia Why nothing more than that Sir George should marry her mother I have long suspected her passion for my brother I knew her to be an artful that is in other words,
a vile woman I cannot help the evil thoughts which obtrude themselves on my mind with regard to my dear Delias death—If Mrs Colville be innocent Heaven forgive me—But I have not charity enough to pray for her if she should be guilty
Sir George does not express half the horror that I feel at this shocking proposal the gratification which our vanity receives in knowing we are beloved even by the most worthless person can I perceive soften our contempt into compassion and deceive us so far as to make us think such pity the offspring of our virtue—However do not be alarmed for though he speaks somewhat too tenderly of her pretended sorrow I am certain no power on earth could ever make
him think of such an unnatural alliance
I have little to say of myself nothing of moment has happened to me since I wrote last and I endeavour to think as little as possible of what happened before—Adieu my dear Louisa I hope there is a letter of yours now travelling towards me for I am most extremely impatient to know what you have done or intend to do with Mrs Walter I beg you to assure her of my affectionate regard and to believe me ever
most truly yours F CLEVELAND
Southfield
THIS letter my Fanny shall go on in the narrative stile at least so far as it relates to Mrs Walter for as her adventures are intirely detached from any thing relative to us I will not mingle them with mine
I lay till it was very late on the morning that the fair unfortunate had related her story yet I had neither slept nor fixed upon any scheme for delivering her from her hated prison except that of bringing her and her child to Southfield which I foresaw must be attended with very hazardous consequences
I therefore summoned a little council the moment I arose and after communicating the most distressful circumstances of her situation to Lucy Harriet and my faithful Benson I desired them to give me their advice how to act on this critical occasion having first informed them that I was determined not to desert the cause I had undertaken by leaving this amiable woman to perish at Waltersburgh
Various as you may suppose were the plans offered and rejected—It was at last agreed that we should return home as soon as possible and that Mrs Walter should remain where she was for three or four days after our departure that in that time Benson should be employed in fitting up a chamber for her
reception in the house of one of our tenants whom I formerly mentioned to you as having his house burned and who had now got a very comfortable though small habitation within a short walk of Southfield that as soon as every thing was prepared Benson should come for her in my chaise to a particular spot at a time appointed and convey her and the little Olivia to this house where she was to remain in profound secrecy till we saw what effect this innocent elopement might produce till every thing in our power should have been done for the recovery of her health and till we could fix upon some more eligible plan for her future happiness
As the Colonels servants gave themselves not the least trouble about the fair
recluse we found it very easy to convey proper food to her unobserved and as I thought it right that she should have time to consider of our scheme I wrote to her directly and desired to have the pleasure of another interview with her in my apartment that night—I gave her to understand in the politest manner I could my reasons for declining to bring her directly to Southfield at least till I had consulted my husband and assured her in the strongest terms that while I lived neither she or her child should ever be reduced to the misery of seeking support or protection from the inhuman Colonel Walter I added every thing that I thought could soothe her mind and implored her to take care of her health for the sake of her lovely infant
She replied almost instantly to my letter poured forth the warmest acknowledgments for my goodness again called me her guardian angel and said she was ready to be guided by me in every thing and that as the strongest mark of her gratitude she would at my command endeavour to live were it only to bless and thank me
The impatience of Lucy and Harriet to see Mrs Walter was extreme they looked at their watches an hundred times and would fain have persuaded themselves they did not go from the moment it grew dusk till our hour of retiring though it was yet a moot point whether they were to see her or no as I meant first to ask her permission certainly before I should present them to her
When she entered my apartment her countenance seemed at once more animated and composed than it had been the preceding night—the effusions of her gratitude were such as must flow from a heart like hers and were more fully expressed by the silent eloquence of tears than by the pomp of words—She readily and most gracefully complied with the request I made her of giving me leave to introduce Lucy and Harriet to her who notwithstanding the description I had given them of the delicacy and elegance of her form were both amazed when they beheld her and could hardly consider her as of flesh and blood but rather a form of unsubstantial air or else composed of that fine ether with which we suppose angels indue themselves when they deign to become visible on earth
As both Mrs Walter and I wanted rest we parted sooner than we had done the foregoing night after having first settled every thing for the execution of our project and fixed on the day following for my quitting Waltersburg Benson packed up a part of hers and Olivias cloaths with mine and we contrived to leave her every little necessary that could be conducive to her comfort or convenience while she remained behind us
I have now the pleasure to tell you that every thing succeeded to our wishes and that she and her sweet girl are safely and privately lodged at honest farmer Wilsons for the present I write to her every day by Benson but have not yet ventured to see her as I am not able to walk and the eclat of my
carriage stopping at a farmhouse might occasion suspicion
Benson assures me that she already perceives a change for the better in her appearance and I begin to hope she may recover both her health and peace of mind The little Olivia is quite wild with spirits and is trying to learn English from Lucy who visits Mrs Walter every day and the first words she desired to be taught were meant to express her thanks to me for my kindness to her mamma
Though I reflect with sincere pleasure on having been able to rescue this amiable woman from a scene of the severest distress yet I cannot help feeling an anxiety for her future fate which gives
me extreme pain—She cannot long remain where she is undiscovered and no one can tell what step that barbarian her husband may take to distress her yet farther—My apprehensions are that he will force Olivia from her and the loss of her child would I am certain occasion the loss of her life
But supposing that he should never discover her retreat or even inquire about her I see no asylum except a convent where her youth and beauty will not subject her to a thousand misfortunes—You are sufficiently acquainted •ith my sentiments on the subject of monasteries to know how very unwilling I should be to recommend a state of seclusion to any creature I either love or esteem yet in her unhappy situation
I see no other resource—However I shall not advise precipitately
Not but that I should approve extremely of an establishment of this kind in our own country under our own religion and laws both equally free from tyranny—An asylum for unhappy women to retreat to—not from the world but from the misfortunes or the slander of it—for female orphans young widows or still more unhappy objects forsaken or ill treated wives to betake themselves to in such distresses For in all these circumstances women who live alone have need of something more than either prudence or a fair character to guard them from rudeness or censure
Now some sort of foundation under the government of a respectable matronage
endowed for such a purpose would certainly be an institution most devoutly to be wished for as a relief in the difficulties of those situations I have just mentioned Here women might enjoy all the pleasures and advantages of living still in the world have their conduct reciprocally vouched by one another and be screened from those artful and insidious essays which young or pretty women when once become helpless adjectives of society are generally liable to
I have had a letter from Sir William and for once he seems pleased with my determination of staying in the country This has made me very happy—tho had he commanded my attendance in Dublin I would have obeyed for I will at least endeavour to deserve the character
which the offended Moor gives of the gentle Desdemona—
As you say obedient—very obedient
—and as I have already told my Fanny that is all that I can at present promise
I think it is a little century since I have heard from you I suppose you did not chuse to interrupt me in my narrative but I expect and I think reasonably that you should now hold forth in your turn and allow me credit for the entertainment which I am certain you must have received from Mrs Walters story I have this moment got a card from Miss Ashford to congratulate me on my recovery and to let me know that Lord Lucan and she will wait on me this afternoon
Is it not odd Fanny that I should not have heard of his being at Sir Arthur Ashfords till now Perhaps he went there directly from Waltersburgh if so he must certainly be attached to Miss Ashford But of what consequence are his engagements to me
I shall not know how to behave to him uncertain as I am with regard to that unaccountable adventure at Colonel Walters—If he is innocent of that insult he will be astonished at the coldness and distance of my manners towards him if guilty surely his own confusion will betray him and he shall never see my face again
But why should he bring Miss Ashford with him to Southfield Does not
this look as if he feared an explanation Guilty guilty upon honour
Adieu my sister
LOUISA BARTON
I Have such a variety of subjects to treat of that I know not which to begin with but I think I ought to pay my dear Fanny the compliment of attending first to her long wishedfor and truly welcome letter
I had not a doubt but that your humanity would be both affected and interested for the unhappy Mrs Walter The goodness both of your head and heart is eminently conspicious in the proper use
you have made of her misfortunes To lighten and invalidate our own sufferings by comparing them with those of others is truly philosophic but that firmness of mind or rather toughness of heart which enables us to bear our own miseries with patience and composure is in general but too apt to render us callous to those tender feelings which should be excited by the woes of others—Let me then congratulate myself on having a sister whose Stoicism is confined only to herself while her tenderness and compassion are extended to the numerous the unbounded circle of the unhappy
Yes my Fanny your request shall be complied with Mrs Walter is already made happy in the hope of being known to such a generous mind as yours
She has confessed to me that in her present situation she had suffered a thousand apprehensions lest my kindness to her might involve me in difficulties with Sir William but that she could think of no expedient to prevent this evil but flying to a convent which she feared to propose as her going there must be attended with what she thought too considerable an expence
I should have strongly objected to this scheme from her ill state of health though she is however amazingly recovered since her enlargement from that worse than prison where her poor mind was fettered though her limbs were free—And I have great hopes from the calm state in which she now appears of her recovery—She has really an extraordinary
understanding allowing for her youth and inexperience and from that I trust that she will be able to conquer the tenderness she formerly felt for the most worthless of his sex
She is to set out this night for Corke where she is consigned to the care of an eminent merchant a particular friend of Lucy Leisters who will ensure her a passage in one of the best ships that sails from thence to Bristol—On her arrival there she is to be put into the care of Bensons niece who is married to a stationer and is commanded by her aunt to attend her up to London and lodge her safe under your kind protection One of farmer Wilsons daughters goes with her to attend the little Olivia—The girl has lived in some creditable families
and is tolerably clever—Both Mrs Walter and her lovely child have made an astonishing progress in learning English they have capacities for every thing
When the moment arrives of bidding her adieu which it shortly must I shall be sensible of a more mixed sensation than I have ever felt before I know that I ought to rejoice at our separation for her sake but I cannot help being selfish enough to regret it for my own
Amazement falls infinitely short of what I felt when I read the paragraph in your letter relative to Mrs Colville I am shocked as well as you at the train of ideas which obtruded themselves upon me in consequence of her unnatural proposal—
Alarmed about my brother
No Heaven forbid that I should ever think of him in such a light He ever disliked and he must now detest her—But Sir George is of a mild and gentle nature not apt to give the reins to his resentments his natural and acquired good breeding must prevent his speaking hardly of a woman who even pretends to love him and the involuntary respect with which he is inspired for Delias mother must increase his restraint and silence every sarcastical reflection
Now for myself—I know not what to think about Lord Lucan never was confusion equal to mine at seeing him—this rendered me incapable of observing him but Lucy who was present at our interview assured me there was nothing particular in his appearance except the
paleness of his countenance and his surprise at my manner which I am sure must have been perfectly distrait
Why did he bring Miss Ashford here She doubtless remarked the alteration in my behaviour and I am perhaps at this moment the object of their ridicule—I never saw her look so handsome as she did that evening—I suppose they will soon be married I wish it was over and that they were both gone to his seat in the North
I have been extremely uneasy these three days about my little Harriet—she looks ill and neither eats or sleeps yet will not allow that she is sick I should certainly apprehend her being in love if she had seen any object lately that could have inspired her with that passion
No my dear Fanny my adventure at Waltersburgh was not a dream yet I sometimes think with you that Lord Lucan could never have been guilty of such an indecorum tho I do not now agree with you that he is at all affected with any particular sentiment towards me And I sincerely rejoice in dissenting from your opinion on this subject
By sending Mrs Walter to you I have barred my own hopes of seeing you in Ireland and I alas have none of meeting you in England—I cannot let this effort of generosity pass without marking it for perhaps it is the highest exertion of that virtue which I may ever have an opportunity of displaying
I go now to bid adieu to your future charge—She will have the happiness of
seeing my Fanny almost as soon as this can reach her hands—An involuntary sigh has just escaped me Down selfish thoughts
Farewell my dear sister
I Have received your letter my Louisa and I have also received your fair your lovely friend Mrs Walter arrived in Doverstreet last night—Prepared as I was by your description the extreme delicacy of her form surpassed my imagination—I can scarcely persuade myself that she is compounded of the same materials of which common mortals are made at least I am certain that there
must be as much difference as there is between the clay of which the finest porcelain is formed and that which makes the coarsest earthenware
I am sorry to say the simile is strengthened by an appearance of extreme fragility and weakness which alarms ones tenderness into a kind of apprehension for her safety every moment and is in my mind infinitely more interesting than the most healthful glow of beauty in its highest bloom—I am sure if I were a man I should be in love with her and of course miserable for I could not help considering her but as a mere beauteous shadow which arough blast too quickly might dissolve—But though not a lover I am determined to cherish this fair idea and for that purpose I shall take lodgings
at Kensington Gravelpits tomorrow for three weeks or a month as I do not think the season far enough advanced to carry her to the Hotwells or venture her even so far as Clevelandhall
There is as you have already observed something uncommonly engaging in her manner of speaking but her sentiments need no addition—I never heard such warm yet elegant expressions of gratitude as she used in speaking of you her tears flowed fast while she uttered them The little Olivia took her hand and said
Mamma Lady Barton is so good that I know it would grieve her to think she made you weep for I am sure she meant to dry your tears
But Mrs Walter is at this moment writing to you I will therefore leave her
to express her own sentiments which she will do much better than I can because she feels more
I am charmed with your scheme of an English protestant monastery though I am much afraid that both you wrote and I read that passage in your letter with too selfish feelings and reflections The general idea of convents I am as much averse to as you are and I am sure that none of those abroad would be a proper retreat for our fair client—The strictness of their institutions and the harshness of their discipline would soon dispatch her to the region of saints Besides such a place would be as unfit for one in her state of mind as well as of body—Need the already unhappy afflict themselves still further with austerities
There is a paragraph in your letter which gives me infinite concern my dear Louisa must no longer boast a heart quite free from love—She is I am afraid a stricken deer but I will hope that the wound is not mortal and that it may yet be healed though not without a cicatrice—Why—Ask yourself my sister why all these apprehensions about Miss Ashford Why is she to be married to Lord Lucan merely because she came with him to visit you And why should you suspect an amiable young woman of such mean malice as without provocation to attempt to render you ridiculous—These are not the genuine feelings of my Louisas heart the stings of jealousy have instilled its venom and this passion has but two sources pride and love
I most sincerely wish that Lord Lucan and Miss Ashford were married and that they were gone to his lordships seat in the North or to any other point of the compass that may be most remote from the neighbourhood of Southfield
I cannot help trembling for your happiness Louisa—I well know that I have nothing else to fear for but is not that sufficient I have with pain long beheld your growing partiality for his lordship yet I hoped against the conviction of my own heart which still overflows with tenderness for an unworthy object that you would be able to conquer it—But let me here observe Louisa that our situations are so widely different that the weakness which may in mine not
only be pardoned but pitied becomes criminal in yours
This you may possibly say is hard measure but as we were none of us in a condition to make terms for ourselves before we came into the world we must submit to those that this same world has imposed on us since and believe me that they who struggle least against those chains which custom has forged for our sex are least likely to feel their weight—The world is jealous of its rites it haughtily resents and harshly chastizes the smallest breach of them nor did I ever know a man or woman who boasted that they despised its laws and trusted to their own integrity who were not soon severely punished by its contempt or censure
So much by way of censor now let the friend and sister plead for the preservation of your peace which cannot be maintained with loss of fame though conscious innocence might plead your justification ever so strongly—Should your character happen to be impeached from any misconduct of yours remember that your husband has a right to resent your having forfeited the highest trust which manly confidence can commit to female delicacy the preservation both of his honour and her own and that from that moment you must appear in the light of a criminal towards him at least tho you stand ever so clear with regard to yourself How truly humiliating must such a situation be to a mind like yours
I have drawn this sad prospect in the strongest colours in hopes that my Louisa will start from the brink of the precipice where she now stands and instantly retreat into the gentle path of domestic happiness—I am truly grieved that the roughness of Sir Williams manners may render this walk less smooth and pleasing than it should be yet surely it is easier to tread on pebbles than on thorns And with the latter we shall certainly find those ways strewed that lead from the road which Providence has marked out for us
I should detest myself if I were able to add another line on this subject yet I hope that my tears have not so much blotted what I have already written as to prevent your reading it
Mrs Walter is determined to write to her husband and I think her right in it for some of the reasons given above though Heaven knows she owes him no compliment nor scarcely duty—She shall not however if I can prevent her write for some days as it must hurry her poor weak spirits which want much to be recruited
I have not heard from my brother for some time Adieu
my ever dear Louisa
IF I were not perfectly convinced of the fallacy of judicial astrology I should fancy you were a conjurer Lucan and that you had calculated Margaritas nativity—How else could you at such a distance discover that she was compounded of art while I who saw her every day and all the day was so thoroughly hoodwinked by her beauty as to imagine her mind as faultless as her form What a numscull what a coxcomb have I been She had cunning enough to persuade and I folly enough to believe that she loved me to distraction—For the rest of my life I shall consider
myself as an idiot though yon are to take notice that I will not be called so even by you—But the worst of it is that I am a ruined fool too—Dont laugh Lucan I shall be ready to cut your throat if you do but I know you will not when I tell you that I am severely hurt
In my last I acquainted you that I had lost a large sum at play and was waiting at Venice for remittances which arrived in a few days—Margarita had a mind as she said that we should quit Venice with a coup declat and prevailed on me to hire jewels to the amount of two thousand pounds to ornament herself on the last night of our appearance at the carnival I readily complied with her request though I had before laid
out very near that sum in the same sort of trumpery for her
She looked like an angel when she was dressed that I must acknowledge and I never once thought of searching for the cloven foot beneath such a dazzling brightness
We went together to the masquerade and with us a man she called her brother whom I have since discovered to be her galant and a notorious sharper I soon engaged at play—fortune favoured me for a time but before the conclusion of the night she was at her old tricks again and I lost fivehundred guineas
The agitation naturally attendant on the vicissitudes of play had taken off
my attention even from Margarita so that I felt no anxiety at not having seen her for several hours It was very late when I went home and judge of my amazement when I was told she had not returned from the time we set out together—I flew back again into the street and ran like a distracted man into every house that was open but the company were retired from every place and I could find no trace of her
I will not pretend to give you an idea of my situation for I can now hardly recollect the state of my mind at that time much less describe it—About nine oclock in the morning a Mendicant friar brought a letter to my door in which were contained these words
To Lord HUME
I intreat you my dear lord and quondam lover not to be uneasy on my account I am well and happy and before this can reach you shall be out of the Venetian dominions all search after me will be in vain I should not have quitted you so abruptly if I had not discovered that my staying with you would have been an injury to your fortune which I imagine is already much hurt—But you Englishmen can always repair such damages by marriage—I have therefore removed the only obstacle to the amendment of your circumstances by tearing myself from you and do now most seriously recommend it to you to return to your own country and avail yourself of this last resource
Those trifles of yours which I have taken with me I shall still preserve as tokens of your liberality which is allowed to be the national virtue of the English and I shall ever remain your Lordships
much obliged and obedient servant M DEL STRAZZI
The reading of this letter intirely conquered every passion of my mind but rage and I think I could at that moment have stranged the insolent gypsy who wrote it—But I was not suffered to brood over it long for the Jew from whom I had hired the jewels came to demand them—I knew not what to do I had settled with my banker the day before and as I intended leaving Venice I had withdrawn my letter of credit and had
not half so much cash as would answer the Israelites demand—Lord Stormont happened luckily to come in to pay me a visit I frankly told him my distress and he kindly lent me a draft on his banker which satisfied old Shylock
I wrote on the instant to my agent to cut down a wood that was planted for ought I know by my greatgrandfather and thus my good tall oaks that have been at least fourscore years growing have vanished into the hands of Jews and jades for one nights no diversion at the carnival
Indeed Lucan I begin to think that we English are very silly fellows But why should I lump my countrymen when I am really convinced that there is not
such another noodle in the world as myself
How go on your love affairs They cant be in such a desperate state as mine—Our countrywomen have not spirit enough to strike such a stroke as my Diàvolessa has done and I now begin to think that a man had better be contented with the wholsome homebrewed beer of old England than pay too dear for Tokay
Now I talk of England I should like very well to return there if I were not ashamed to see Fanny Cleveland and afraid of being laughed at by my old friends at Almacs and Boodles and in short every where—Do my dear Lucan tell me what I shall do with myself
for I am at present the most desolate as well as desultory of mortals—But in all states I shall continue affectionately yours
HUME
My dear Hume
AS you have made it a point I will not laugh at what you seem to consider as a misfortune but you must permit me to say that I have not received so much pleasure for a long time as from your account of Margaritas elopement—Believe me my friend you have got cheaply off even with the loss of some thousands—Character is of infinitely more value than fortune—But I am
persuaded that both yours would have been totally ruined had you continued much longer connected with that most infamous and artful woman
There is nothing so very particular in your adventure as to make you apprehend yourself peculiarly ridiculous for I will take upon me to say that there is not one in ten of our countrymen that has made the same tour which you have done who has not been duped by some
Jay of Italy
—Dont publish the story yourself and others will be cautious how they mention it to you—I will also venture to promise that Miss Cleveland has too much delicacy herself to wound yours though I have not the honour of knowing her
If you have no other objections but those I have alluded to and which I have sufficiently obviated I would by all means wish you to return immediately to England—But prythee why my dear Hume have you made a comparison so extremely injurious to our fair countrywomen whose beauty is at least the boast of Europe nor do I believe that either Georgia or the Grecian isles can produce any thing that surpasses them in loveliness or elegance of form your homebrewed beer was a simile for a porter or at best for a mere hunting squire
I am firmly persuaded from this instance that you have conversed more with Englishmen than foreigners since you have been on the continent—This is
one of the unpardonable absurdities common to our nation—We go or are sent abroad by our friends—I had almost said our enemies—at great expence and then instead of informing ourselves of the manners and police of the places we are in our first pursuit is to find out our countrymen and herd with them continually merely because they are so by which conduct we contrive still to retain those prejudices we should have left at home and cultivate only the follies and vices we meet with abroad
But a truce with reflections of every kind and in answer to your query with regard to the situation of my heart I can with truth assure you that it is infinitely more wretched than your own—I never had the least reason to flatter myself
with the most distant idea of being beloved by the object of my passion yet had my vanity inspired me with the fond hope of having obtained some small share in her friendship and esteem—How I have forfeited this blessing I know not but it now is fled my friend and with it all my happiness
I have been for some time past at the seat of Sir Arthur Ashford you must remember him at college he has a sister who is both handsome and agreeable and had I a disengaged heart I know no woman to whom I would sooner offer my hand—But never shall I be guilty of such baseness as to defraud an innocent and amiable woman of her affections while like a wretched bankrupt I have not an equivalent to make
The circumstance of Miss Ashfords living with her brother will prevent my spending as much of my time with him as I could wish—The world will be apt to suppose that her attractions might have drawn me thither and this may possibly prevent a real and deserving lover from making his addresses there—I will therefore speedily retire to my own seat to solitude and sorrow
You are incapable of forming any idea of the charming delicate but distracted situation of my mind—May happier days be yours Adieu
my friend
LUCAN
Southfield
YES Fanny I confess it you have searched my bosom and found the arrow rankling in my heart Too cruel sister better sure far better that you had remained ignorant of my disease unless you can prescribe a cure I now detest myself and all that generous confidence which is the true result and firm support of real virtue is for ever fled I shrink even from the mild eye of friendship—The tender the affectionate looks of Harriet and Lucy now distress me How then shall I endure the stern expression of contempt and rage from an offended husbands angry brow There is but one thing
that could be more dreadful—I mean his kindness—That alone could add new horrors to my wretched state and make me feel the humiliating situation of a criminal still more than I now do
I am I am a criminal Alas you know not to what degree I am so But I will tell you all lay bare my heart before you and beg you not to soothe but probe its wounds
At about a quarter of a mile from our house there is an octagon temple which overlooks a fine piece of water adjoining to which there is a beautiful and extensive wood this room then I have fitted up in a very elegant taste as a small library or museum for myself and it is intirely devoted to my hours of
retirement—Here I read write draw or ruminate In this spot on the day after I last wrote to you was I sitting and musing I will confess it on the happiness which might have been my portion had I happened to have met Lord Lucan before I was Sir William Bartons wife
The tears streamed insensibly from my eyes and so much dimmed my sight as to make it doubtful whether the figure I then saw of Lord Lucan walking by the canal was real or visionary—I rose immeditaely to the window and perceived it to be him
He came slowly on gazing intently on a miniature picture which he sometimes pressed to his lips and sometimes held at a distance as if to place it in different
points of view Blushing I own it Fanny I felt the pangs of jealousy I doubted not but it was Miss Ashfords picture and instantly detested the origiginal—How unworthy how unjust do I now appear in my own sight
My feet became as much rivetted to the place where I stood as Lord Lucans eyes were to the picture—He saw me not till he came close to the window and then in the utmost confusion slipt the portrait into his pocket
He came into the temple covered with blushes made a thousand apologies for having intruded upon my retirement though he said he had come on purpose to take his leave as he meant to quit Sir Arthur Ashfords and set out for his own seat the next day
With more pique than prudence I told him that I was surprised at his having resolution sufficient to tear himself from a person whose picture was so dear to him as I supposed that to be to which I had seen him pay his adorations when I fancied he might have the original as a companion for life if he chose it
I never saw surprise so strongly painted as in his countenance—His voice faltered while he replied
Were that possible madam I should be the happiest man alive—But alas there is a bar an insuperable bar which cannot be surmounted therefore madam do I tear myself from the too lovely object of a despairing passion
I was very near as much confused as Lord Lucan and without knowing what I said replied
I pity you my Lord and am truly sorry
—At that instant he in an extacy exclaimed O stop most honoured most beloved of women nor raise my transports to that dangerous height which may exceed to madness yet yet again repeat the charming sound and by your pity overpay my sufferings
It was impossible for any one not quite an idiot to misunderstand this declaration—Yet was I absurd enough to seem ignorant of his meaning and answered that I did not conceive of what use my pity could be to him as I could not hope to have more influence on Miss Ashford than himself
He started from his seat and with a look that seemed to pierce through all my little artifice cried out
Miss Ashford Madam how is it her concern Surely my Lord I replied I thought it was that Ladys picture with which you seemed so much delighted as you walked along
He gazed on me again with earnestness as he would read my thoughts and then with downcast looks as speaking to himself he said—
It must be so that form that angel form cannot deceive and my temerity is yet a secret—It shall remain so for I will fly for ever from her sight
He turned away his face to hide his tears and had I suffered our conversation to have ended there I had been far less
guilty than I am—But vanity that bane of female virtue led me on to tell him that I could not be satisfied without a farther explanation on this subject and that as he had declared Miss Ashford was not the object of his passion I hoped he could have no objection to shewing me the picture of a person whom in all probability I neither did nor possibly might ever know
He looked at me then with a countenance more solemn than I had ever seen him wear I blushed excessively from a consciousness of my own insincerity he saw into my thoughts and with a firm and yet affecting manner spoke thus
Do not for your own sake Madam extend the cruelty of your triumph beyond
my demerits nor wantonly sport with the miseries of one whom yon have though innocently rendered wretched Nature formed you in her most perfect model and gave me susceptibility to admire those charms which to my endless grief were then devoted to another—I sought not Madam to invade his right or soil the purity of your fair bosom with one improper thought Your friendship your esteem I wished to gain and for that purpose kept my love concealed Chance only has revealed it—How am I to blame or wherefore should I now become the object of your hatred or contempt Your pity was the sole indulgence I ever should have dared to have solicited and that you might without a crime have bestowed The wildness of my passion flattered my fond hopes that you
had just now granted it—Judge of its value by my transports Madam—But you recal the precious gift and all that I now dare presume to ask is your forgiveness allow me that and never more shall the unhappy Lucan offend your eyes or feast his own with gazing on your charms
Tears stopped his utterance—O Fanny was it possible that my eyes should be dry they streamed too surely—I confess my weakness—At that moment my heart first felt the luxury of tears—The soft effusion flowed from pity from tenderness from—dare I pronounce it love
The emotion he discovered at seeing me weep was quite extravagant—He
threw himself at my feet snatched my hand and pressed it to his lips and vowed he would never rise till I pronounced his pardon At that instant I heard the sound of voices that approached us and exclaimed
Rise my Lord I pardon and I pity you
He had scarce time to obey me before Colonel Walter Lucy and Harriet entered the temple—The apparent confusion both of Lord Lucans looks and mine with the tears that still trembled in our eyes was but too visible to pass unnoticed Lucy appeared surprised at the sight of Lord Lucan Harriets face was covered with blushes and the Colonel by a malignant smile shewed that he enjoyed our distress
He presented me with a letrer from Sir William whom he had left in Dublin and said he hoped that would plead his excuse for having interrupted what he thought the most agreeable party in the world a sentimental tête à tête and turning briskly to Lord Lucan asked him if he had been relating the melancholy story of Eloise and Abelard or the more disastrous loves of Hero and Leander
Pique now got the better of my confusion and without waiting for Lord Lucans reply I answered that we need not go so far back for melancholy tales for that I was acquainted with some persons now living whose sufferings far exceeded those of the unfortunate ladies he had mentioned He turned his piercing eyes quick upon me at these words
and for the first time of his life I believe blushed
O Fanny what an indiscreet and consequently unhappy wretch is your sister Thank Heaven Mrs Walter is out of his reach But have I not by this unguarded speech betrayed the secret to her tyrant I never shall forgive myself
My Lucy ever kind and attentive to her now unworthy friend relieved us all from our embarrassment by rendering the conversation general and proposed our returning to the house as there was hardly time for me to dress before dinner and added that she would either endeavour to entertain the gentlemen at the harpsichord or engage with them at billiards
We then all set out seemingly at ease—But who can read the human heart or the various springs that actuate its movements Mine wretched as it is had then received a hateful guest unknown to it before Consciousness of having erred its sure attendants fear and shame now followed close and when I reached my toilet and viewed my shadow in the glass my colour varied as these passions worked and I became alternate red and pale
Poor Benson saw the effect without the cause and was alarmed—She would have got me drops which I refused sick sick at heart I was but where is the medicine that can abate its conflicts Lethe O for a draught of it—A shower of tears somewhat relieved me I read
Sir Williams letter cruellest of husands it was the kindest that he had ever wrote since he obtained that title He will return to Southfield in a few days—How shall I look upon him Fanny
I cannot now go on my next shall tell you all
PS I have read Mrs Walters letter and yours but am at present incapable of answering either
Southfield
AMIDST the variety of disagreeable thoughts which had disturbed me curiosity asserted its rights in a female breast and increased my uneasiness by a wish to know how Lord Lucan had obtained my picture—I never had but two miniatures taken of me one in my happy days for my dear Fanny and a second last winter in Dublin at the earnest request of my niece soon after she came to live with us—It was impossible that he should be in possession of the first and a train of very unpleasant ideas succeeded to the thought of Harriets having given him the latter
I sent for her directly—When she came into my dressingroom I perceived she had been weeping and I also perceived my picture on her arm—This put a stop to the inquiry I had designed to make and by way of saying something I asked her where Lord Lucan was She said she had just then left him in Sir Williams library
My curiosity was again raised to know the cause of Harriets tears I could not ask her—But my heart informed me—She loves Lord Lucan—Unhappy girl yet still far happier than I she may without a blush avow her passion while mine must cover me with endless shame
Yet wherefore should there be this false distinction If passion is involuntary
it cannot be criminal tis consequences only that can make it so and Harriet and Louisa both may love with innocence—
Flattering sophistry Alas I would deceive myself but cannot Have I not vowed even at the altar vowed to love another Yet can that vow be binding which promises what is not in our power even at the time we make it But grant it were the contract sure is mutual and when one fails the other should be free
Wretched Louisa strive no more to varnish oer thy faults—Thou wert a criminal in the first act who wedded without love and all the miseries which proceed from thence too justly are thy due
Yes Fanny I will take your counsel and will patiently submit to those corrosive chains which I myself have riveted I will not murmur but I must complain to you and you alone my friend my sister Desert me not while I deserve your pity and I will still endeavour to deserve it
Lord Lucan is gone My intreaties have prevailed he returns not to Ashpark or Southfield any more—Do not congratulate me on this imaginary triumph I have bought the concession but too dear—I have avowed my love Do not detest me Fanny I saw no other way to secure my virtue—By confessing my passion I have put it out of my power ever to see or converse with the object or it more—He is banished for ever from
my sight—What would my sister or what the rigid world have more
With infinite difficulty I discovered that the innocent and undesigning Harriet had lent him my picture and he sent off his servant to France to get it copied who returned with it to Ashpark on the day I first saw it in his hand
I shall never take notice of this affair to her as I too well know how difficult it must be to refuse the request of one we love—But surely his making this request must have severely pained her tender heart—Sweet gentle innocent I most sincerely pity her distress
The detestable Colonel Walter stays with us still though unasked—I think
he looks with prying eyes on all my actions yet what are they to him He has no friendship either for Sir William for me or any one else—Cruel consciousness that compelled me to banish Lord Lucan and suffer Colonel Walter to remain in my house Have I not Fanny sufficiently sacrificed to forms and scruples
I have this moment received a letter from Sir William business detains him for a month longer in town—I rejoice for his sake as much as my own as I hope I shall recover a greater degree of composure than I am at present mistress of by the time he returns
I detest dissimulation yet as Lucilla says
Dissembling may for once be
virtuous
at least so far as to conceal that fault which cannot now be prevented—Yet trust me Sir William trust me my honoured brother and beloved sister no stain shall ever rest upon your names from my misconduct I only ought and I alone will suffer—My vow is passed to heaven and to you
This unhappy subject has so totally engrossed my thoughts that I find it impossible to think of any other excuse me therefore to our amiable friend Mrs Walter embrace her and kiss the young Olivia for me Tell me of all your healths and happiness which will supply some to your ever
affectionate sister L BARTON
PS The Colonel has never taken the least notice of the suspicious appearances in the temple—He has informed us that his intended match with Mrs Layton is quite off seems perfectly gay and alert and appears inclined to pay his addresses to Miss Ashford—I have injured her without design but should he have the least chance to succeed there I will atone the injury I have done her by preventing the connection
Lucy sets off this moment—An express from her lover who lies dangerously ill in Dublin hurries her away—She is distracted—I envy her distraction—She may to all the world declare her grief her love for the deserving Creswell
INDEED my Louisa your two last letters have afflicted me beyond measure my heart bleeds for your sufferings yet reason and virtue both forbid my endeavouring to soothe your grief or stop your flowing tears unless I could remove the cause from whence they spring—That alas can only be hoped for from the lenient hand of time and your own fortitude
I know how very difficult it is to enter so far into another persons situation as is necessary to judge their actions with candor we must first feel and think as they do before it can become possible
—I have therefore endeavoured by a thorough recollection of your temper and sentiments joined to the similarity of our natures to put myself as it were in your place in order to be able with justice and precision to give my opinion freely both with regard to your past and future conduct
I will now venture to tell you that the source of your present unhappiness is to be traced much higher than the aera you date it from your marriage with Sir William Barton—Though I admit your own confession that your first fault was committed then—It must be the joining of hearts not hands that can insure the marriage rights—I dont mispell the word—And the woman who stretches out an empty hand at the altar
but mocks the institution and if I may hazard the boldness of the expression becomes guilty before her crime receives an antepast of misery
And puts her trust in miracles for safety
But the partiality of our ever dear and respected parents sowed the first seeds of vanity in my Louisas mind they lived not long enough to be alarmed at its growth and to eradicate the poisonous weed—By their death you became your own mistress at an age when selfapplause is predominant in every female breast—Young beautiful rich and accomplished how was it possible you should escape the snares of flattery They twined about your heart and I have great reason now to believe and lament that the envied preference you
gave to Sir William Barton by becoming his wife was owing more to his having persevered longer than the rest of your admirers in his attentions and attendance on you than to that just selection which should be the reward of distinguished merit and in which both love and esteem should happily unite
At the time of your marriage I had made but very slight observations on the matrimonial state and therefore did not doubt that though you declared yourself insensible of any passion for Sir William you might be perfectly happy with him all the days of your life—I am now convinced of the fallacy of this opinion as well as of the imprudence of the declaration you then too openly and unguardedly made
Believe me Louisa that this was the first thing that soured your husbands temper—Men are naturally proud and jealous they do not easily brook disappointments or mortifications a hopeless pursuit must be attended with both—We are not then to wonder either at Sir Williams declining it or resenting his ill success
In a former letter you say that
had Sir William continued to solicit your affections a little longer they would have been all his
You know not that Louisa your vanity was flattered by the assiduities of a lover and your pride revolted at the authority of a husband—Neither of these sentiments have any thing to do with passion—Had you loved the man you married you would have wished
to preserve his affection without being vain of it and had you seen it declining you would have tried every means to recover it without considering how much your pride would be hurt by its loss
There are I am convinced abundance of ingredients necessary to form an happy union for life but love is in my opinion of all others the most necessary—Like the sun it not only brightens and gilds every amiable quality of the beloved object but draws forth every latent virtue in our hearts and excites us to become as perfect as we can in order to merit that affection which constitutes our true happiness
Milton seems to be of my opinion when he makes the first of lovers and of men say thus to Eve—
I from the influence of thy looks receive
Access in every virtue in thy sight
More wise more watchful stronger if need were
Of outward strength while shame thou looking on
Shame to be overcome or overreached
Would utmost vigor raise and raised unite
I know not why or how I have launched out into this dissertation upon matrimony unless it be that I wish to avoid the painful subject of your last letters and yet cannot turn my thoughts upon any thing quite foreign to it—I think I ought at least to acknowledge that I am pleased with the resolution you have shewn in banishing Lord Lucan and the delicacy of your motive for confessing your passion to him is the only possible excuse that can be urged for such an hazardous impropriety
But let me now hope that my dear Louisas virtue will soon enable her to
rise above the want of an apology and that a proper consciousness of what she owes to herself will assist her to triumph over that unhappy weakness which she so pathetically describes as the harbinger of fear and shame—Hateful destructive passions O be they banished far from every generous breast and in their room may hope and joy expand my sisters heart
Mrs Walters health continues extremely delicate the physicians who attend her give me hopes that she may recover though slowly—If it were not for that sweet promiser Hope I should at this moment be the most wretched of mortals for at this moment every creature that I truly love is unhappy—Can I then be otherwise I should be sorry if I could
My brother has given his final negative to Mrs Colvilles proposal on her account he will not stay longer in Paris and on his own he will not return to England—He intends to cross the Alps in pursuit of amusement—May he find that and every thing else he wishes
Adieu my beloved Louisa
Southfield
Then all the boasted office of thy friendship
Was but to tell Louisa what a wretch she is
Alas What need that
I Cannot help saying Fanny that these lines seem but too applicable to your last letter When I poured forth the anguish of my breaking heart before you had I not a right to expect that my friend and sister would have spoken peace to its sorrows and poured wine and oil on its wounds You tell me that
reason and virtue forbid these tender offices in my unhappy case
Are reason and virtue then at war with wretchedness And must guilt be always
connected with misery Or is it can it be true that misfortunes loosen the ties of blood as well as friendship and leave the wretch infected by them to be hurried down the stream of life at the mercy of their own wild passions more destructive far than raging winds and seas
Forgive me Fanny for this horrid thought I know your heart is generous and good and that you did not mean to add to my distress—Nay I am certain that each wound you gave was doubly felt by you—Yet why my sister should you think it necessary to deal severely with me If as you seem to think vanity is my predominant foible why did not my fair philosopher find out its use and play it off against my
present weakness We should never humble that heart too much which we have any hopes of reclaiming
When we become completely vile in our own sight we have but little reason to hope for the good opinion of others which I much fear is one of our strongest incitements to virtue and when as you have before observed we are totally indifferent to what the world thinks of us we too generally not only meet but deserve its censure and contempt
A woman still my Fanny under all my distresses I am inclined to justify the foible you hint at nay more to prove that it approaches to the very province of virtue as it is at least capable of rousing it to action and sometimes of assisting its operations
Respect thyself
is certainly one of the best tenets that has ever been conveyed to us—Yet surely it savours a little of lamour propre which term though exactly translated by the words self love conveys yet a different idea to my mind and appears to have somewhat more of the lightness of vanity than of a selfapplause in material matters
Bravo Louisa How admirably have you trifled through this page on a subject absolutely foreign to your heart But has not my Fanny set me the example And shall I not endeavour to imitate her Alas like all other copyists I fall short of the original for if I write on I shall again recur to the sad source of all my sorrows
Again indulge the woman in my soul
And give a loose to tears and to complainings
For your sake then my Fanny I will restrain my pen and suffer this letter to reach your hands free from the severe tax which has been too often imposed on you by my late correspondence
For indeed I am not merry but do beguile the thing I am by seeming otherwise
I am running into quotations but they are natural to a disturbed mind as persons in such a state would rather use any bodys sense than their own—For whatever can divert the mind or turn it from its own reflections must be a point gained from misery Therefore do I endeavour thus to sport I find in vain for laughter without mirth is but hysterical and may end in tears
My sincerest good wishes attend Mrs Walter and I may venture to add that
I am both to her and you much more than to myself
an affectionate friend L BARTON
I Might with great truth and justice reply to the lemma of my dear Louisas letter by quoting the words that follow it in the original but though I may not express myself as elegantly as Mr Rowe I will trust my defence to the feelings of my heart on a subject where it is so truly interested
If soothing could alleviate your sufferings my pen should be taken from the cygnets wing and dipped in the honey of Hybla But alas my sister yours is a disease that will increase by indulgence and which severity alone can cure
There have been instances where the hand of a surgeon has trembled from a consciousness of the misery he was obliged to inflict on his patient
Judge then how unsteadily I now hold the pen that is to wound the heart of my Louisa by telling her that I fear she has committed an almost irreparable error
I have already told you that it is long since I with grief beheld your partiality
for Lord Lucan but from the idea which you taught me to form of him and from my thorough knowlege of the delicacy and propriety of your sentiments joined to your situation I had lulled myself into a perfect security that Lord Lucan would never dare to insult the wife of Sir William Barton with a declaration of his passion and that finding it intirely hopeless he would either conquer or transfer it to some other object from whom he might reasonably expect a proper return
Such an attachment as Lord Lucans be may compared to winter plants which by the aid of hothouses are rendered capable of producing summer fruits but must decay and die without such artificial aid Hope is the nurse of
love—without it I am certain it cannot long exist even in the most romantic bosom
Can I then consider my Louisas conduct as blameless when I find Lord Lucan has avowed his passion But what is the sentence which you would have pronounced twelve months ago upon a married woman who had declared that passion to be mutual Guilty guilty upon honour
You have still candour enough to judge yourself as severely as you could any one else you acknowlege yourself a criminal but whither are your candor and your judgment both fled when you endeavour to derive merit from what you
allow to be a crime and say that
You confessed your passion to preserve your virtue
I begin to be extremely apprehensive that reason is a very useless property to man and can seldom do more than direct our choice in things that are merely indifferent to us Apathy is not natural to the human mind and yet from the moment our passions begin to operate with any degree of vigour that same boasted reason which philosophers tell us supplies its place by controuling their emotions and directing their pursuits not only becomes instantly subservient to them but meanly condescends to enter into the defence of their most pernicious consequences and readily engages in the pleasing but baneful office of assisting us to impose upon ourselves
This is and must be true—At least I wish to think so for I would much rather attribute my Louisas errors to the general defects of our nature than account for them by supposing any particular weakness either in her reason or her virtue—And surely she must herself acknowlege a failure in that judgment that can be persuaded we may set bounds to the encroachments of a lover by telling him that he is beloved
Alas Louisa Lord Lucan is not banished from Ashpark from Southfield from your sight for ever But both the world and I without being over rigid have a right to expect that he should no more be permitted to plead his passion or avail himself of yours
If you should be inclined to dispute the authority which demands this sacrifice
let me remind you that there is one who has an undoubted right to claim it let your honour then make a willing sacrifice of all future connection with Lord Lucan as the only atonement you can now make for the injury you have done Sir William Barton
By this means and this alone you may again recover your happiness for I know you too well to suppose that it can ever be compatible with a consciousness of continuing to act in opposition to the strictest rectitude—I know too that you have strength of mind sufficient to accomplish this arduous task and that our mental like our bodily strength is increased and invigorated by use That generous frankness which is the genuine offspring of virtue shall again reanimate my beloved
Louisas face the mild eye of friendship shall no longer be painful to her and she shall endure the piercing look of inquiry from her husbands eyes with soft yet steady dignity—O may my wishes be prophetic Amen Amen
I will now venture to tell you that I am truly grieved for the young the innocent and amiable Harriet My concern may possibly remind you of Swifts lines
Should some neighbour feel a pain
Just in the part where I complain c
I acknowledge the sympathy between us and would do much to cure her malady
She has however the advantage of me in every respect—she is younger and of course the impression which her
heart has received is more likely be erased—The letters we carve on saplings wear out with their growth while those that are imprinted on the perfect tree remain indelible
Besides it is by no means impossible that Lord Lucan may love her yet for I repeat my opinion that his passion for you is quite a sickly plant which must necessarily perish as I am perfectly convinced that you dont mean to cherish it longer
For all these good and weighty reasons I think she may hope or at least I will do so for her that one way or other her heart may be set at ease—I am in a praying mood and will say amen to this wish also
I would add another petition to those I have already made if I hoped it would succeed but I almost begin to despair of Mrs Walters recovery—She continues to languish without any visible sign of amendment and the physicians now think that the air of a more southern clime is the only chance she has for life
She has written to the good Pere Guillaume to recommend her to a convent that will receive her and her child as pensioners and allow her the liberty of going out in a carriage for exercise which is absolutely necessary to her existence
Were I only to consider myself the pain I feel at the thought of parting
with this charming woman would tempt me to wish that I had never known her but how amply am I recompensed for that and a thousand other sufferings by the delightful reflection of having rendered her mind perfectly tranquil nay happy by indulging myself in settling a small but decent provision on her darling child
Can all the diamonds that ever issued from the Indian mines afford to their possessors that heartfelt glow of satisfaction I enjoyed when I had perfected the deed which conveyed two thousand pounds into the hands of trustees for the use of the young Olivia Walter
I was so apprehensive that the strong emotions of the mothers gratitude
might have affected her delicate frame that I was almost tempted to conceal this matter from her yet I wished to remove every fear or doubt which the weakness and languor of her spirits might suggest with regard to her childs future fate
I wrote her a few lines to tell her what I had done and added that I would debar myself from the pleasure of seeing her till she should give me a promise under her hand never to mention this business to me
She promised indeed what was impossible for her to perform and at our next interview I was convinced that as the Peruvian princess says
To be thoroughly generous you must listen to acknowledgments
I have promised that if it should please Providence to call her to a state of bliss I will immediately take the little Olivia under my care and if I live I will most faithfully discharge the pleasing and important trust
My spirits not much elevated before sink under the sad idea of Mrs Walters death—I cannot at present say more than that I am with unabated tenderness
Your truly affectionate sister F CLEVELAND
SEEK no longer my Fanny to save me from the miseries which I have brought upon myself but try my sister to secure your own peace by devoting to oblivion the memory of a wretch that seems marked for destruction—I feel the snares of fate wound round me and I but vainly struggle to escape the toils
A little gleam of comfort had beamed upon me from your last letter—the kindness of your wishes had raised an ardor in my mind for their accomplishment which amounted almost to a hope of success and I looked forward with anxious desire to some future aera when
my happiness should confirm your prophecy
In this temper of mind I walked slowly and lonely along to the temple which I have already mentioned to you and if now and then a few vagrant tears strayed down my cheeks I considered them as drops of salutary woe and did not once wish to restrain the healthful current—In fine I may truly say that many weeks have passed since my poor harrassed mind enjoyed so sweet a calm before—When I had reached my little asylum I reread your letter and found but one passage in it that gave me pain I will not now say which it was for that anguish has been entirely absorbed in a far greater one
I took up a pen to write to you which instantly dropped from my hand at the
sight of Lord Lucans portrait which lay before me on the table—By an involuntary motion I took up the picture and looking on it exclaimed—
It is too true Louisa Lord Lucan is not banished from Southfield from Ashpark from my sight for ever—
encroaching and presuming man coudst thou not be content with that ideal likeness which my too fond fancy had already traced upon my mind but at the hazard of my reputation would obtrude this mimic resemblance on my sight
While I pronounced these words the door opened and Colonel Walter stood before me—I dropped the picture—he took it up—seated himself by me and addressed me in pretty near the same
words which Polydore uses when he finds Monimia in tears
I had just presence of mind enough to say that I was not then disposed to play the fool—He instantly assumed a more serious air caught hold of my hand and insolently declared a passion for me which he boasted had commenced at the same moment with Lord Lucans—That respect had hitherto kept him silent till he found that his rival was likely to carry away the prize by his audacity and that this alone had determined him to urge his equal attachment to me
Surprize had hitherto kept me silent grief now stopt my utterance—I saw myself in the power of a wretch whom I knew to be devoid of generosity or pity
—I saw my ruin plain—I see it still—it was in vain to deny my regard for Lord Lucan—the words which he had heard me utter and the fatal picture which was then in his possession were proofs incontrovertible
My tears had no effect upon him—He pursued his brutal discourse by saying that Lord Lucan was certainly more calculated for inspiring a romantic childish passion than himself and that he most willingly resigned all the sentimental and platonic part of my affection to him but that I had charms sufficient to render them both happy which he hoped my prudence would incline me to when I reflected that he was not the confident of my choice and had therefore a right to expect that he should be bribed to secresy
I could contain my resentment no longer but with eyes sparkling with indignation bad him fly that moment from my sight and make whatever use his villainy might suggest of the secret which his meanness and insolence had obtained—That I would rely for my justification from his malice on my own innocence and the candour of Sir William Barton who should certainly be acquainted with the return he made to his friendship
He replied with the most insulting froideur that if Sir William had really a friendship for him he would certainly give him a preference in the purchase of a jewel which he neither knew how to value or preserve and in which he seemed to have nothing more at present than
a nominal property—
In short Madam
continued he
though I have been a soldier I am not so much inclined to cutting of throats as to deliver you from Sir Williams tyranny merely to leave you at liberty to bestow yourself on Lord Lucan but if you will condescend to make a concession to the warmth of that passion your charms have inspired me with I will protect you from your husband and the whole world beside at the hazard of my life and fortune—In love at least I am a Swiss and will not fight without pay—Remember Madam that you are much more in my power than I am in yours and that if you should attempt to raise Sir Williams resentment towards me I can with the greatest ease return it upon yourself—This picture Madam—
Restore it Sir this moment
—
On certain terms you may command it Madam
—
What are they
—
Make me as happy as you have made the original of it and all my future life shall be devoted to you
—
Hear me Sir while I call Heaven to witness that Lord Lucan never solicited a criminal indulgence from me and that my heart has never yet admitted a thought that could reflect dishonour on my husband
Yet criminal to him and Heaven I am perhaps for having yielded a secret though involuntary preference to another object—The punishment of this my greatest guilt I now receive from you and if there be a spark of honour or humanity remaining in your
breast you will not only cease to persecute an unhappy woman who has confessed her weakness to you but convert the unworthy passion you have dared to urge to pity—Alas I dare not say esteem
He was silent I ventured to look up and through the dim medium of my tears I thought he seemed affected—
Charming angelic tyrant he exclaimed O were that tender weakness you have now avowed but felt for me how should I worship even that false delicacy which deems it criminal—But it is deceitful all—Lord Lucan Madam has solicited
—
Never never Sir
—
Recal the morning scene at Waltersburgh
—Conviction flashed upon me at the instant and resentment
hurried me beyond all tamer considerations—
I do Sir and am now convinced you were the person who then insulted me—You only could have had the presumption to attempt so base an outrage and your knowing it has now revealed the mystery you were the audacious monster who violated at once the laws of decency and hospitality would to Heaven my death had been the consequence But let what will happen now I will no longer hold a moments parley with you
I strove at that instant to rush out of the temple but he prevented me by seizing one of my hands and saying
I plead guilty Madam but be assured I never should have made so daring an essay but that I thought in such a
situation Lord Lucan might have succeeded a thousand circumstances concurred to make me think so I looked upon the straining of his leg as a contrivance to excuse his going out with the rest of the hunters that he might spend his time more happily with you—And had it been so could you blame me madam My love my admiration are as strong as his
Detested love detested admiration
was all that I could utter—
I know it Madam
—
Then leave me Sir this moment
—
Not till you have pardoned a fault for which I never can forgive myself as it has distressed or offended you
—
On one condition I will pardon you Sir and on no other
—
Name it Madam
—
That you shall never presume to hint your hateful passion more
—
Impossible as well not bid me breathe But let not your sentence be too severe for I have terms to make as well as you—Suppose that I—
At that instant I heard the footsteps of a person running towards the temple it was Harriet who came to tell me that her uncle was arrived—
Gracious Heaven I exclaimed in a low voice What will become of me
The Colonel replied in the same tone
Rely upon my friendship and be happy
—Harriet looked amazed but with the utmost tenderness begged that I would compose myself as she was sure Sir William would be shocked were he to see my agitation
Not if he knew the cause
said Colonel Walter I stared upon him wildly he proceeded
Lady Barton has had a fall and sprained her ancle the shock has hurried her spirits and I was this moment going to the house to order the cabriole to bring her home
Harriet looked as if she doubted but took the hint and said
you had best do so Sir and let my uncle know of the accident as it will account for my aunts delay
—I was silent yet sure my situation was truly pitiable in being reduced to the sad dilemma either of joining in a deceit with a person whom I detested or of exposing myself to the prying eyes of my husband under such circumstances as must alarm him and call for explanation
The Colonel then turned to me and said
Is it your pleasure Madam that I should go
—
Yes yes
was all that I could utter and the moment he was gone burst again into a passion of tears upon which Harriet cried out
Why is not Lucy here I have no influence upon my aunt I am not worthy to advise
You are you are my dear what would you have me do
—
Have pity on Sir William and yourself and try to calm your spirits for sure he never will believe they could be ruffled thus by so slight an accident—Believe me Madam I would lay down my life to make you happy though that is but a small compliment for it is of very little value to myself
She turned aside to hide a starting tear—I clasped her to my breast and said
Do not my Harriet add to my distress by suffering me to think you are unhappy
Sir William and the cabriole came together he embraced me very affectionately and rallied me on my cowardice in being so affected by my fall wanted much to see my ancle which I declined took me up in his arms and seated me in the chair walked by my side till we got to the house and again lifted me out of it into my dressingroom
O think my sister what I then endured But you can never know it deceit has ever been a stranger to your heart and
the sharp stings of self contempt have never entered there
Benson flew to me with arquebusade vinegar c The consciousness of the mean part I then acted rendered me peevish and I hastily bid her leave the room—I blushed as the words escaped me—was it her fault that I was become contemptible—When she was gone out Harriet said
I fear Madam you are much hurt indeed
—
Yes Harriet to the heart
I sunk down upon the couch and covered my face with my handkerchief—She threw herself at my feet and without attempting to pry into the cause implored me to let her put a bandage round my ancle lest Sir William should be alarmed at my supposed obstinacy and send for a surgeon
This I refused and on the instant resolved to extricate myself from the hateful appearance of having entered into a mean collusion with Colonel Walter I rang the bell for Benson and assuming as chearful a countenance as I could put on told her that I had not received any hurt that required particular application and that time should be my only physician
I then dressed myself as usual and when the last dinner bell rung I desired Harriet to accompany me to the parlour—Sir William seemed surprized at seeing me walk and said he was just then coming to assist me or as the old ballad said to take up his load of vanity
When I sat down to table I found myself extremely ill—I tried to eat but in
vain—I soon retired after dinner and sat down to write this account of my mortification to you—It is now eight o clock and I can no longer support the violent pain in my head or hold the pen—
Adieu adieu my sister My friend my confident
PS By whom or how contrived the picture had been laid on the table in the temple I cannot guess nor know I yet through what medium to inquire about it
MANY days have elapsed since I concluded my last letter to my Fanny some of them have passed like the arrow that flieth through the air and leaves no trace behind—Would I had accompanied their flight but alas it will not be and by the same Almighty fiat which first called me into being I am again recalled from the confines of eternity—May that gracious Power that has been pleased to prolong my existence endue me with resignation to his allwise decrees
I am at present but ill able to write the account I can give you of myself
must therefore be short but it will tell my sister that I live and notwithstanding my desiring her to forget me I still flatter myself that my life is of consequence to her happiness
The moment I had sealed my last letter to you I found myself unable to sit up and went to bed but not to rest About eleven Sir William came into my chamber and on finding me extremely feverish muttered something about fine ladies being always vapourish or indisposed and wished me a good night
Never was health more sincerely welcomed by a dying wretch than sickness was now by me—I hoped I trusted I should be released and invoked the king of terrors with the unhappy Constance
Oh amiable lovely death
Arise forth from thy couch of lasting night
Thou hate and terror to prosperity
Come grin on me and I will think thou smilest
And kiss thee as thy wife miserys love
Oh come to me
In this manner did I pass the night rejoicing in the increase of my disorder till the delirium which it brought on rendered me insensible to it and every thing else for five days I continued in a state of mental annihilation the return of my reason was like the appearance of an ignis fatuus it glimmered and vanished several times as if unwilling to return to the wretched habitation which it had forsaken
Harriet my beloved my gentle Harriet whose tenderness and attention to me has been unremitted assures me
that Sir William was much afflicted during my illness and that though Colonel Walter endeavoured to console him yet he also appeared much affected and quitted the house the next day
May the miseries which he has brought upon me make a proper impression on his heart and turn his detested passion into contrition for his crimes and compassion for the sufferings of his injured wife As soon as I was pronounced out of danger Sir William went to visit a distant part of his estate where he is establishing a manufacture—He has been gone ten days and in that time I think both my mind and body have acquired strength perhaps it is owing to the weakness of the latter that the former is more composed But I will
endeavour to enjoy the temporary calm though I fear that the storm has only subsided and may perhaps return with double fury to wreck this feeble bark—Be that as it may I shall ever remain
Your truly affectionate sister L BARTON
PS Where and how is Mrs Walter assure her of my kindest remembrance her sufferings are so deeply engraved on my heart that not even my own can efface them—Happy Fanny that have been able to mitigate even a part of her sorrows by removing the bitter pangs of maternal anxiety for the fate of a beloved child
Paris
THE seeing my letter dated from this place will in some measure account to my dear Louisa for my silence at a time when she stood most in need of every consolation that friendship could bestow on a tenderly beloved and suffering sister—I am however selfish enough to rejoice that I was unacquainted with the danger that threatened your life till it was past for I had the painful pleasure of receiving both your letters on my arrival here last night
Truly distressing and affecting as they are my head is at present so filled with
the extraordinary events which have happened within a very short space that though my heart is truly sensible of your afflictions I find it impossible to give its feelings vent till I have informed you of a circumstance which I am certain will afford you the sincerest pleasure
Delia my brothers beloved Delia Delia Colville lives as Zanga says
First recover that and then you shall hear further
—Our good angel our dear Mrs Walter received a letter from Pere Guillaume about the middle of last month acquainting her that he would meet her at Calais and attend her to what part of France she pleased but were he to recommend any particular convent it should be Les Dames Ursulines at St Omers as the superior
was his near relation and particular friend
This reeommendation was perfectly agreeable to Mrs Walter for many reasons the vicinity of St Omers to England was perhaps the strongest as it flattered her with the hopes of seeing me at some time or other if she lived and rendered the immediate removal of her daughter convenient in case of her death
I accompanied her to Dover and feared that I had taken my last farewell of my amiable friend when I saw her embark for Calais—I heard from her in a few days after our parting and she was not worse—I had then determined to spend the remainder of the summer
at Clevelandhall in executing some little romantic plans of improvement in order to amuse myself and surprise Sir George at his return from Italy which he had promised should be before winter But a second letter from Mrs Walter afforded me an opportunity of surprising him indeed She told me that in the convent where she then resided there was a very beautiful young English lady who went by the name of Wilson who upon having seen the address of her letter to me as it went to the tour in order to be sent to the post office implored her permission to speak to her in private that some time had elasped before she could find an opportunity and when she did she informed her that her name was Colville Delia Colville I again repeat it That she had been placed there
by her mother without her knowledge or consent who had desired that she might be closely confined debarred the use of pen and ink and prevented from even going into the parlour or conversing with any of the pensioners as she was represented to be so artful that she would corrupt and impose on them by the insincere plausibility of her manners and was actually upon the point of disgracing her family by a shameful connection with a man of inferior rank and fortune—That in consequence of this cruel aspersion she had been treated with the utmost severity that the rules of the convent would admit of and that from the time of her entrance till that moment she had never heard from her mother or any other person whatsoever
She then blushing mentioned Sir George Cleveland and said she had long vainly flattered herself that he would have sought her out and released her from so inquitous and cruel a confinement but that if even he had forgotten and forsaken her she was convinced that his sisters humanity would interest itself in behalf of an oppressed and injured person whom she had once honoured with the name of friend
She added that the mildness of her temper and the perfect acquiescence she had shewn under the severe restraints that were imposed on her had influenced the nuns to treat her with less harshness than at first and that she had been lately allowed the honour of conversing with the superior but that the moment she attempted
to justify herself from her mothers slander she was enjoined silence and obliged to retire to her cell after having this reflection urged against her that it must be always more natural to suppose children to be undutiful or ungrateful than that parents should be unkind or unjust This maxim is certainly true in general but there are sometimes instances which occur in life that baffle all philosophy with regard to the human mind
O my Louisa does not your heart grieve for the sufferings of the innocent and unoffending Delia When Mrs Walter promised her to acquaint me with her situation she cried out
It is enough I know Miss Cleveland I shall be released Yet sure Sir George will at least accompany his sister if
she should come to take me out of my confinement and I shall see him once again
Mrs Walter told her she believed that would be impossible for—She interrupted her by exclaiming
Is he married If he is I may as well stay here Miss Clevelands kindness will be useless to me
—On Mrs Walters telling her that he was in Italy and not married she kissed her hand and bathed it with her tears and said
Do not despise me madam for loving the most amiable of men—He is the counterpart of your Miss Cleveland and if you knew him you would love him also
The moment I received Mrs Walters letter I went immediately to councellor
W— to know what were the proper and legal steps to be taken for the recovery of my beloved Delia he told me he would wait on the lord chancellor next day and furnish me with proper powers to compel Mrs Colville to produce her daughter in the chancerychamber who as a minor was to be considered as a ward of the court though the guardianship of her person and fortune had been before granted to her detestable mother
I then returned home wrote to Mrs Walter and enclosed a few lines to Delia entreating her to keep up her spirits till I could effect her release which I promised to do with the utmost expedition—I ordered my cloaths to be packed up and a chaise with four horses to
be in readiness the next day and the moment Counsellor W— furnished me with my instructions I set out for Dover accompanied by my maid and two men servants—There was a messenger dispatched at the same time with his lordships order to Mrs Colville but if she should not be found or should abscond upon receiving it I am to apply to Lord H— our ambassador in France whom I have the honour of being very well acquainted with to procure a special mandate from the court of Versailles for her release
I wrote to my brother who is now at Naples in a very ambiguous stile hinting as if I had heard some vague report of Delias being alive for I durst not trust him with the mighty joy at once
as I have been told that the sudden effects of that passion have sometimes been as fatal in their consequences as those of grief
I then informed him of my intention of going to Paris and said as I knew all places were indifferent to him I hoped he would have galantry enough to meet me there as the pleasure I promised myself in seeing him was the principal cause of my undertaking the journey
The moment of my arrival at St Omers I was met by Mrs Walter I need not describe to you the effects of our interview—I flatter myself that she looks better than she did she says the joy she feels at having been though accidentally
the instrument of good to the amiable Delia has roused her spirits from the torpid state they had continued in while she considered herself but as an useless burthen or at best an insignificant blank in life
She told me she had not had an opportunity of seeing Miss Colville since she received my letter but at prayers that she had endeavoured to render her looks as expressive as possible by the chearfulness of her air and that Delia seemed to understand the hint in her favour She advised me not to go to the convent as it was certain that I should not be permitted to see Miss Colville and her hearing that I had been there might throw her off her guard so far as to alarm the nuns and make them confine
her still more closely or perhaps tranfer her as is sometimes the case over to some other convent
I was convinced by her reasons and restraining my fond impatience I set out the next morning for Paris where I arrived last night and have the mortification to learn this morning that Mrs Colville is gone to Toulouse as it is thought to settle there—The lord chancellors messenger is gone off post to her and here must I remain till his return
And now let me assure my Louisa that not even the joy I feel at the certainty of Delias restoration can prevent me for a moment from sympathizing in the tenderest manner with her distress
the circumstances of which are certainly equally difficult and mortifying
There never was any thing so unfortunately critical as your situation with that vile Walter when Sir Williams arrival was announced the snare as you say seemed contrived by fate—I honour your struggling through it and not leting the wretch triumph in the success of his scheme which he certainly would have done had you carried on the deceit beyond the moment that it was absolutely necessary—I am grieved but not surprised at the effect which the anguish of your mind has had upon your constitution and am I hope truly thankful for your recovery—And may it be a perfect one
Surely Louisa you ought to think Lord Lucan to blame with regard to the picture he must have hazarded your reputation by making a confidante of the person who placed it on your table Can it be possible that the enamoured Harriet can have verified nay exceeded the romantic ideas of submissive tenderness which Prior has given us in the character of his Emma
I know not what to think but if Harriet be indeed the confidante of Lord Lucan she claims the highest degree of admiration that the strongest fortitude joined with the tenderest sensibility can possibly excite—But this character comprehends perhaps something more than woman Do not be outdone by her my sister but strive to emulate the virtue which you must admire
Were you to look minutely into the situation of my heart you would find that I can practise as well as preach for though I perhaps may never be intirely able to eradicate all traces of my weakness for Lord Hume I have by a kind of discipline more severe than any in the Romish church conquered my desire of speaking of him nor do I allow even my thoughts the fond though sad indulgence of contemplating either his faults or merits for the moment his idea obtrudes itself upon my mind I snatch up a book or pen and drive him directly from that place which he was not worthy to inhabit
Take notice that the poets are banished out of my library and that my present studies are of the reasoning kind
and call for all my attention—I wish you could be prevailed upon to try this recipe—For indeed I am for many reasons more anxious for your recovery even than for my own My malady can only injure an individual and that myself yours like a contagion must be fatal to many—Stop the infection then before it spreads and you will hereafter reflect with pleasure that so many persons who are and ought to be dear to you are indebted for their happiness to your virtue—I am convinced that this sentiment will have more weight with you than any selfish consideration could for full well I know the nobleness of my Louisas nature
I was much pleased with Sir Williams behaviour on account of your supposed
lameness and still more so with your candour in relating it to me as there is no doubt but that his kindness must have luckily increased your own selfcondemnation
I wish Harriet would make you the confidante of her innocent passion for Lord Lucan as your tenderness for her joined to your own delicacy would then restrain you from the too dangerous indulgence of talking of him at least before her and I should then wish that she might not be a moment out of your sight
Forgive me my ever dear and amiable sister for presuming to dictate to a heart and understanding like yours but the greatest physician will not prescribe
for himself when sick and will even condescend to take the advice of a person whose skill he knows to be inferior to his own—All I can plead in favour of my present prescription is that I have tried it myself with success and that it is recommended to you by the warmest affection of
Naples
I Verily believe my dear Lucan that there never was a more unfortunate kinghterrant than myself and that the renowned hero of La Mancha was but a prototype both of my folly and my
sufferings I think I want nothing but a squire as tristful as yourself to record my misadventures in the stile of a ballad called the Disastrous Traveller or Lord Humes Garland—which would certainly supersede the Babes in the Wood and Barbara Allen in the English Chronicle and set all the nurserymaids and children in our nation ablubbering
My last informed you how completely I was duped at Venice that I had lost my mistress and my money
Bagatelles not worth thinking of say you cheaply off for some thousands
c c—Well philosophy is a fine thing said I to myself and I will endeavour to think like Lord Lucan—But I had better have recollected the famous sentence recorded to have been uttered
from the pulpit by an Irish bishop who by the way was an Englishman and prepared myself for what was to follow—
Single misfortunes said his reverence never come alone and the greatest of evils is attended by greater
Now to apply my text—In a very ill temper and with about a hundred pieces in my pocket I set out from Venice and journeying by land and by water arrived safe in the Ecclesiastical territories About two leagues from Tivoli my carriage broke down I had no attendants but one servant who sat in the carriage with me and very ill supplied the place of my former fellowtraveller I had left one footman sick at Venice who was to follow me and discharged all the rest of my useless parade
I did not chuse to leave my baggage to the care or rather mercy of the postilion and as it was not quite dark I ordered Saunders you know old Robert to stay by the chaise till I could send people from Tivoli either to mend it or assist him to bring my trunks to some place of safety
I had not walked half a league when I was attacked by banditti who demanded my purse and on my attempting to make some resistance as I wore a couteau de chasse they knocked me down gave me several cuts over the head stript me of my money cloaths and watch and left me for dead on the spot
As it grew late Saunders became alarmed for my safety and tried to prevail
on the postilion to let him have one of the horses in order to overtake and guard me on the road to the town The fellow either was or pretended to be afraid to stay by himself they therefore mounted the pair and set out together for Tivoli
As I was left directly in the highway the horses started as they came up to me and when the men alighted to see what was the matter they found me weltering in my blood but with so much appearance of life that I still breathed and sometimes groaned—Poor old Saunders tore off his shirt to bind up my wounds as well as he could in the dark and covered me with his own cloaths while the postilion rode off in search of a surgeon and a litter to convey me to some shelter
My senses did not return till the next day when I found myself covered with bandages and so faint and weak with loss of blood that I could not speak Saunders gave a scream of joy at seeing me open my eyes and recounted what had befallen me
I lay in this state of misery above three weeks and when I was able to rise I had not a single garment of any sort to put on for the postilion I presume considering that I should have no further occasion for them had assumed to himself the office of an executor and carried off my baggage with the chaise and horses and got clear out of his Holinesss dominions before there was any inquiry made after him
I sent Saunders off immediately to Rome with a draught on my banker
which he received and returned as quick as possible but I was still unable to travel and a wound which I had received in my right arm prevented my being able to use a pen without suffering extremely—Let this account for your not hearing from me during my confinement
As I had a good deal of leisure to reflect upon my own folly I determined to grow wise incontinently and thought the best proof I could give of my discretion was to turn my steps towards England—I was however obliged to go to Rome for a few days to settle with my banker—As soon as my business was dispatched I set out in pursuance of my plan and have arrived thus far on my route over
I went as was natural to the house where I had formerly lived with Margarita and could not help making some inquiries after her to my great surprise they told me that she was then in this city and lived in a most exemplary manner with an ecclesiastic who was believed to be her brother
A spirit of revenge took possession of me the moment that I heard of this pretended priest and brother and I determined to see my fallen angel upbraid her with her perfidy and punish the villain who had robbed me of my mistress and cheated me of my money
I wandered about Naples for several days without being able to discover any trace of her at last I bethought myself
of visiting the churches for as she now pretended to be a devotee I might possibly meet her in one of them—Accordingly I one day saw a woman kneeling at a confessional who though she was veiled I immediately knew to be Margarita
I waited for a long time before she had concluded her devotions and joined her just as she was going out of the porch when I spoke to her she lifted up her veil and looked at me with a countenance so full of sweetness that I instantly forgot my resentment and could have fallen at her feet and entreated her to be reconciled to me
She spoke to me in a low voice and said
I have used you ill my lord but I have been severely punished for my
crime I dare not hope you should again receive me into your favour but come and accept of all the restitution that is now in my power to make you I live in the Strada del Santo Marco my tyrant will be asleep by eleven oclock I shall then at least have an opportunity of imploring your forgiveness—I dare not talk to you longer adieu
Despise me as you will Lucan I confess that I felt my tenderness for this infamous woman revive and instead of going directly to a magistrate or endeavouring to do myself justice on her and her vile accomplice I counted the minutes with impatient expectation of that happy one which should again restore me to the pleasure of seeing and conversing with her
At the time appointed I repaired to my rendezvous which was at a considerable distance from the place where I lived and in a very retired part of the town as I passed through an unfrequented street I was set upon by four bravos I instantly drew my sword and determined to sell my life as dear as possible—As I had the advantage of a wall at my back I defended myself successfully for a few minutes but should have been overpowered if providence had not sent Sir George Cleveland and another gentleman to my rescue At their approach the bravoes would have fled but I secured one of them whom I had wounded and who proved to be the pretended priest and brother of Margarita
When we had lodged him properly and I had got a slight wound which I had received dressed I communicated the whole of my adventure frankly to Sir George and wished him to accompany me in pursuit of that worthless woman whom I supposed to be an accomplice in the intended assassination and whom I now resolved to give up to justice
Sir George is a gallant fellow Lucan He talked so very rationally that he dissuaded me from my purpose as he said the bringing Margarita to punishment if I should have resolution sufficient to do so must of necessity expose myself observing also that I ought not to pursue a wretch with too much rigour whom I had formerly contributed to render abandoned
His remarks upon the folly and baseness of men in their commerce with the unhappy of the other sex were truly generous—I remember but one of them at present I think he said
That we first take pains to destroy the foundation of every female virtue modesty and are then surprised to find the superstructure totter
—That is foolish enough to be sure though we practise it every day
But to conclude for I begin to think you are heartily tired as even I grow a little weary though I am talking of myself which is the pleasantest of all subjects—The next morning brought me a most doleful letter from my Fair Penitent entreating me for the love I once bore her not to prosecute her brother
as she still affected to stile him declaring herself intirely innocent of any evil intentions of his with regard to my life and offering to refund whatever remained of the jewels she had robbed me of provided I would but remit the prosecution
I consulted with Cleveland who advised me not to be prevailed on to suffer such a pest to society as Pere Jacques to escape but if he would give up his accomplices to use my interest to get them all sent to the gallies together as to la bella Signora he thought I should make terms with her also and let her compound for her crimes by a life of repentance—That the jewels she mentioned should be sold in order to pay her pension among les Filles repenties where she should be obliged to enter on her probation immediately
I was charmed with this scheme and by his assistance have happily put it in execution—Would he could be as successful in restoring me to the esteem of an amiable woman as he has been in extricating me from the artifices of a vile one—But I have never yet dared to name Miss Cleveland to him and I will patiently go through a year of probation under his eye before I even presume to hope that he will favour my suit—In the mean time I am happy to find from his behaviour that he is a stranger to mine upon that occasion
He talks of returning to England in a few months—I am determined to accompany him and I hope that you will have got so far the better of your romantic passion by that time as to quit
your sorrowful solitude and meet us there
Here ends my woeful story which however has had a fortunate conclusion May all your adventures terminate as happily sincerely wishes your
affectionate friend HUME
PS I have this moment received a billet from Sir George Cleveland acquainting me that he means to set out immediately for Paris—This is a sudden flight but I am determined to accompany him Direct to me accordingly
My dear Hume
I Sincerely congratulate you on the operatical denouèment of your Italian comedie and think that even Metastasio has not wound up any of his catastrophes with more poetical justice than you have shewn in the disposal of your dramatis personae
But the most enviable part of your good fortune is the having met with such a friend as Sir George Cleveland whose knowlege of the world joined to an excellent understanding and an amiable heart all which he has shewn in the management of your affair with Margarita must render him at once an object of your
affection and respect and afford you an opportunity of benefiting both by his precepts and example
I have not the honour of knowing Sir George but have heard his character description and story He is neither older wiser nor better principled than you are to what then are we to impute the difference between the preceptor and the pupil To nothing more than a circumstance which I am glad to lay hold of for your instruction He had conceived a strong but chaste passion for a woman of merit whose name I know not than which nothing in nature more elevates the mind improves the understanding refines the manners and purges the affections of man His mistress is dead I hear lately but the influence
of virtue reaches beyond the grave for a heart once rendered pure like a transmuted metal can never degenerate into its original baseness again
I have often thought that many of the errors of our young men of quality are owing to a wrong choice of the governors to whom they are intrusted at the most critical aera of their lives when their passions are strongest and their judgment weakest—I mean when they are thought old enough to be sent abroad for improvement and not deemed wise enough to conduct themselves
Fathers and guardians on this occasion generally fix on some person of learning which by the ignorant is frequently mistaken for sense as what is
called a liberal education is as falsly and frequently supposed to be as synonimous with a liberal mind
The greatest blockheads I have ever known have been bred in college—Neither absurdity nor meanness prevent a man from becoming master of a language nor of arriving at a competent knowlege in any particular branch of science
But these are not the qualifications necessary to form a noble mind and yet an ignorant pedant is not only the first person from whom we receive the rudiments of education but is too often the last to whose final care we are consigned to receive that fine polish to which our mind and manners owe their most distinguished
lustre—that moral enamel which both brightens and preserves
If I should ever be happy enough to see a son of mine at a fit age to send abroad I shall endeavour to find out a governor for him qui a vecú I mean one who with a complete experience of the world has both sense and virtue sufficient to detest vice admire virtue and yield indulgence to the foibles and irregularities of youth and inexperience whose morality should exceed
The fixed and settled rules
Of vice and virtue in the schools
and whose principles of religion though perfectly conformable to our established mode of worship should with regard to the best characteristic of it know no difference of sect but extend itself to the
outermost line of the great circle of charity which embraces all mankind
You will perhaps say that I have drawn an ideal character like that of a patriot king—It may be so but the person I should select for such a purpose of entering a young man of rank or fortune into the world at large should be some reduced officer whose humanity had been rather softened than hardened by danger and disappointment one who had been trained up in the school of honour which may be styled the true sublime of morals—And such a guardian preceptor or passport through life I should prefer to the whole conclave of parsons out of which class of men are too generally chosen the bearleaders to our modern cubs of quality—So much for governors
I think you judge rightly in not mentioning Miss Cleveland to Sir George while your amour with Margarita is so recent—There is something extremely indelicate in professing a passion for a virtuous woman before we have undergone a sufficient quarantine after the contagion of an abandoned one—A man in such a situation resembles a centaur half human half brute—Or at best he can but say with Cyruss friend Araspes
I have two souls
Sir George is too good a judge of human nature not to excuse your infatuation in favour of an artful beauty but how shall Miss Cleveland be reconciled to your infidelity or on what security shall she rest her hope that you may not be subject to a second delirium Indeed my dear Hume a year is too short for a term of probation
or rather of atonement though you were to spend it in the severe penance which your prototype Don Quixote endured for the disenchantment of Dulcinea upon the Black Mountain
By the way I think the constancy and sufferings of that renowned knight bear a much greater similitude to my sufferings than to yours for I do not find that you resemble him in any point but your misadventures which like his were the natural and necessary consequences of madness enthusiasm and folly—I hope I may venture to say this without offence as you have so seriously declared your determination of becoming wise incontinently
If any thing could have tempted me to leave Ireland at present it would
have been to meet you in London but as you have now a much stronger inducement than my company to urge your return I shall remain in what you call my sorrowful solitude as it is now not only become pleasant but dear to me for solitude is sometimes the nurse of contentment as well as of woe
From this hint you will conclude my heart to be more at ease than when I wrote last to you and your conclusion will be just—It is indeed much more at ease yet more anxious still—Love deals in contradictions you see
I shall now conclude with subscribing myself my dear Humes
affectionate friend and servant LUCAN
Paris
I Tell you Lucan there is no such thing as resisting fate—Here am I with as good and sober dispositions as any man of two and twenty in Europe for ever getting into some scrape or other without temptation or excuse or even knowing how or why I became engaged Well then a knight errant I certainly am of natures own dubbing and I will now courteously relate to you myself for want of a squire my new achievement
But first I must acquaint you that ever since our arrival here Sir George
Cleveland has been so totally taken up with some private business of his own that poor melancholy I have been left to the pleasant amusement of contemplating my own extravagance and folly which has you know deprived me of the happiness of seeing or conversing with his charming sister who has met him here and as I quitted Naples almost at a minutes warning I left old Robert to pack up my cloaths and bring them after me
In this situation I could not possibly make my appearance in public or even venture to visit any of my quondam acquaintance in my travellingdress—I spent two days tout seul and found an unlucky truth that any company would be less dull to me than my own
On this discovery I sallied forth and in sauntering along the Boulevard I happened to meet Jack Wilson of the guards who is as dissipated a genius as myself I proposed to him our going to dine at some of the environs of Paris to which he readily agreed—A chaise was ordered directly we drove of to Noisy le Sec
We walked about while dinner was preparing and at a little distance observed a castle defended by a deep moat great iron gates a drawbridge and immense high walls—The appearance of this extraordinary mansion roused my chivalry I figured to myself a beauteous damsel confined there by some horrid enchanter or giant and determined that I would if possible set the fair captive
free Wilson laughed at my romantic ideas but they had taken too strong possession of me to be easily baffled
When we returned to our inn we inquired from our host who were the inhabitants of that Gothic fortress—He told us they were two very beautiful young ladies of high birth and large fortunes who being determined never to marry yet disliking the severities of a convent had chose to seclude themselves from the world in that retirement
He added that the curiosity of all the neighbouring gentry was so highly raised that many attempts had been made to get a sight of these fair recluses but in vain for no mortal had ever seen
them since their arrival there though it was known they walked in their gardens every day
Curiosity began now to operate upon Wilson as much as romance had done before on me and we resolved that we would take a peep at these voluntary votaries of Madam Diana coute qui coute—Many and various were the schemes which we framed and rejected for the gratification of our idle and impertinent inquisitiveness during the course of that night we lay in the same room in order to continue our consultations but when the dawn appeared we were just as undetermined on what method to pursue as we were at the moment we lay down
We rose and called our host into council who assured us that the castle was inaccessible unless we were mad enough to venture our lives by swimming over a deep fossé which defended it in front or scrambling through a thicket of briars which prevented our approach on the other side and that if we should even be able to subdue these difficulties there was still an immense high wall to climb which no man could get over without hazarding life or limb
Opposition but increased our ardor and we at last resolved to attempt the thicket in preference to the fossé as we thought we should make a better appearance in the eyes of these supposed charmers even with our cloaths torn than after emerging dripping wet out of
a dirty ditch—And by the way Lucan I think that all the water in and about Paris wants washing as was said once by a witty friend of mine I never saw such a muddy puddle in my life as their boasted Seine—The yellow Tiber or the Bristol Severn are crystal to it
I will not detain you by repeating the fatigues and difficulties we suffered in this attempt suffice it to say that our cloaths were torn and our hands legs and faces as much scratched as if we had made a party on the pantiles with a groupe of amorous tabbies—But what are not patience and perseverance able to subdue
In short we scaled the walls and seated ourselves in a good pleasant arbour in
a corner of the garden valuing ourselves on our heroic achievement and impatiently expecting the reward of our toils by being blest at last with a view of these fair vestals
In a short time after we had made our lodgment in this redoubt to our inexpressible delight we heard the sound of female voices talking in a chearful lively tone and soon saw two ladies walking towards us down an alley that fronted the harbour we were in
But no language will ever be able to describe our amazement when the speakers had advanced near enough to be clearly seen and distinctly heard by us—No idea either of Venus or the Graces or Diana and her Nymphs will suit the description—But if you can rumage up
any recollection of Cybele or for that matter you need not go so far back as mother Shipton will serve as well to represent the two old hags that appeared then before us
It must be enchantment
said I to Wilson—He replied
I see nothing enchanting about them they are both ugly and old
—
No woman is old in France remember that Wilson or at least let us endeavour to persuade these grannams that we think so for civility is the only passport by which we can hope to get over the drawbridge in safety
When they approached the arbour perceiving us they started too in their turn and would have fled back if their
old shanks had been supple enough to have corresponded with their fears but we soon quieted their apprehensions by the mildness of our demeanour and the frank confession we made of the romantic curiosity which had prompted us to this frolic
Being thus recovered from this alarm they both laughed immoderately at the aukward confusion which appeared in our faces and one of them addressing us with infinite good humour and vivacity said
We are extremely obliged to you gentlemen or rather courteous knights for the perils you have encountered for our sakes and also for convincing us that the noble spirit of chivalry is not yet quite extinct in the world Believe me we wish rather more earnestly
than you that we were possessed of those charms which you expected to have met with in this galant adventure but youth and beauty are transitory things and with them we have lost the admiration of your sex and merely in sport had yet a mind to try if it was not still in our power to occasion a disappointment as great though not indeed so severe as any young and beautiful coquette might make her lover feel If I may judge by your countenances I think we have so far succeeded and the only amends we can make you for having sped our frolic is to desire the favour of your company to dinner and to promise to convey you back again by a shorter and pleasanter road than you came to Noisy le Sec without any further damages than what the view of our persons seems
already to have made you pay for your peeping
You may suppose how confoundedly silly Wilson and I looked all this while but I was so much pleased with the spirit and good humour of this lively dowager that I wished her thirty years younger intirely for her own sake We accepted her invitation with the best grace we could and entered into a very chearful conversation with them both during which they discovered that we were Englishmen and informed us that they were our countrywomen The one who seemed to take the lead in every thing is a sister of Lord D—s and had been while she lived in England an intimate acquaintance of my mothers—Who the other lady was did not transpire
Before we parted Wilson and I both promised her not to disclose their secrets if she chose to carry on the jest for any further time but she gave us leave to publish it to our friends if we pleased as she meant to quit that place immediately said she and her companion were both tired of their voluntary confinement and did not believe that if they were to remain there seven years longer any Frenchman would ever give himself as much trouble about them as we had had done
I charged myself with some commissions pour mes belles antiques which I shall execute in England with the most knightly punctuality imaginable and returned laughing to Paris about an hour ago—Robert is arrived with my baggage
I shall dress and go to the Comedie though I believe it will be near over before I get there
As I am resolved to attend Sir George Clevelands motions and that he seems to be upon the wing I shall not expect to hear from you while I remain upon the continent but hope to find a pacquet from you at my arrival in old England till then adieu my dear Lucan says
yours HUME
Southfield
PLeasure Joy they are both inadequate to what I feel from your account of Delia Colville my brother my beloved my happy brother what will his transports be He may certainly say with Lord Townly
Long parted friends that pass through common voyages in life receive but common gladness at their meeting—But from a shipwreck saved we mingle tears with our embraces
And surely the recovery I might almost say the resurrection of the beloved and lamented Delia is a still higher cause for rapture
I should fear for his life or senses if this secret was in any other hands but yours—Yet even for you I think it will be a difficult task to moderate his extasy—Were I now to meet him I should fly into his arms and cry out She lives I know you will not do so but though you may restrain your tongue will not your eyes betray the mighty joy will they not sparkle with unusual lustre and speak of Delia Colville Mine do so at this moment though their weak beams have long been quenched in tears—I wait impatiently for another letter from you—Do but tell me they have met and my mind will be at peace for I shall then suppose that nought but death can part them
I do not wish to mix one gloomy line with this joyful subject I shall therefore
say little of myself—I am recovering from my late illness though slowly Sir William is returned in an alarming state he fell from his horse about a fortnight ago his physician apprehends that he has received some inward hurt as he spits blood ever since—My attention to him is unremitted he seems pleased with it and I begin once more to flatter myself that my Fannys prediction may yet be verified
Colonel Walter has renewed his visit and made several attempts to speak to me alone which I have happily evaded for when I am absent from Sir William I take care to keep Harriet constantly with me—I perceive he is mortified at my caution in which however I am determined to persevere
Last night when our letters came from the post the Colonel took them from the servant and conveyed one out of his pocket into the parcel quick as his motions were this action did not escape me and the moment I had received those that were addressed to me I retired and immediately enclosed the letter which bore no post mark on it in a blank cover directed to the Colonel and ordered it to be instantly delivered to him When I returned into the parlour to supper there were strong traces of resentment in his countenance and he talked rather at than to me for the remainder of the evening
This morning he went from hence before I was up—Surely he will at length desist from an hopeless pursuit—Twice
have his detested and unsuccessful attempts brought me near the grave—Heaven preserve me from a third I shudder at the bare apprehension
Your wishes with regard to my becoming Harriets confidante are almost accomplished for she has confessed to me that she corresponded with Lord Lucan during my illness and also that she concealed my danger from him as she judged what his sufferings would be on that occasion by her own—Was ever any thing more truly delicate than her endeavouring to save him pain
She offered to shew me his letters I refused to see them and told her I had no doubt of his friendship for me or the propriety and politeness of his
manners towards her but that I could not help observing to her as a friend without the authority of a parent that I feared there was something inconsistent with the strict rules of decorum in her carrying on such a correspondence
She blushed extremely and I could perceive there was something more still labouring in her artless bosom—Lord Lucans picture came into my thoughts at the same time yet I had not resolution sufficient to ask her a single question relative to it
After a minutes silence I saw that her face was bathed with tears she caught my hand and said
I have been much more imprudent Madam than you yet know of but if you will be my
friend indeed—Alas I have no other and conceal what is past from my uncle I will tell you all my folly and submit my future conduct to your direction
—I gave her every possible assurance that the tenderest friendship could suggest and I know not which of us was most agitated during this scene—She owned her having lent my picture to Lord Lucan at his most earnest intreaty on condition that he should give her his that he had kept his promise but that she had been so unfortunate as to lose his gift and that she had lived in perpetual apprehension ever since lest any accident might betray this act of indiscretion to her uncle or to me—But that she still more dreaded its injuring Lord Lucan by raising a suspicion of his being her lover when heaven and she could tell he had not such a thought
Her colour rose to crimson as she pronounced the last sentence with clasped hands and streaming eyes—I never beheld a more animated figure—Generous Harriet I said softly to myself and my heart reverberated the sound—What pains has it cost her to defend the fidelity of the man she loves to her rival—Yes Fanny I will emulate the virtue I admire every effort of my life shall be exerted to promote Harriets happiness and from that pure and unsullied source I will endeavour to derive my own
I confess I am pleased at being able to acquit Lord Lucan of the indiscretion of having made a confidante his picture must have fallen into the hands of Colonel Walter when Harriet lost it and the vile artful wretch contrived to place
it as a snare for me and watched the moment
How to recover it for the innocent owner is now the question I cannot think of any prudent and therefore possible means of effecting this at present I can neither ask it as a favour with a safe condescension nor demand it as a right without danger
The variety of distressful subjects with which my late letters have been filled have so much engrossed my thoughts while writing to you that I have never mentioned a circumstance which has given me sincere satisfaction the recovery of Mr Creswell Lucy Leisters lover—His father is since dead by which he is now become Sir Harry Creswell—Ma chere amie
est au comble de ses voeux but delays the completion both of her own and her lovers happiness till I am able to be present at the joining of those hands whose hearts have long been united
Sir Williams indisposition prevents me from having their nuptials celebrated here as the custom of this country would on that occasion require such an exertion of what is called hospitality which is another term for drinking as might be prejudicial to him and my attendance on him restrains me from going up to Dublin to her so that our wishes alone can attend upon this happy union
Sir William is not calculated for solitude he is now debarred from fieldsports and every kind of exercise and
he seeks for amusement from books in vain—That taste which can alone render reading pleasant or useful to us must be acquired in youth the Muses like the rest of their sex resent neglect and may be wooed but not won by those who only seek them as a supplement to more lively pleasures
Youths the season made for joy
and for literature also
Colonel Walters housekeeper has been to visit Benson several times of late and has endeavoured with a competent share of art to discover how Mrs Walter had escaped and where she now is you may suppose that she has not gained the wishedfor intelligence—Benson would die sooner than betray me
Harriet and I have often wondered that no hint relative to Mrs Walter has ever escaped the Colonel—I am sometimes tempted to think that he believes us ignorant of that affair but when I recollect his blushing in the temple upon some hint of mine relative to it I change my opinion—What a heart must that man have How black and of course how wretched I am inclined to believe that the wicked expiate a great part of their sins in this world by their constant fear of detection
Sir Arthur and Miss Ashford are often with us I begin to apprehend that she has a partiality for Colonel Walter and am distressed how to act on this occasion—Should I speak of him as I think she may attribute my sentiments either
to private pique or a general love of slander as I am not at liberty to acquaint her with those facts on which my dislike to him are too justly founded—Yet will it not be an act of baseness to suffer this charming girl to throw away her affections on such a wretch Think for me Fanny and direct me how to conduct myself in this critical situation
Give a thousand loves and congratulations for me to my brother and his
Latest found Heavens last best gift
Wishes for their happiness must be superfluous yet they have mine most truly—accept the same from your ever
affectionate sister LOUISA BARTON
PS I find I cannot write a short letter to you—When I began this I determined not to exceed a page but like Eloise
My heart still dictates and my hand obeys
And wherefore should I restrain them or debar myself from the greatest satisfaction I enjoy I am not good catholic enough to have faith in the merits of voluntary penances especially as I feel that I am not without my share of those that are imposed on us—No works of supererogation for me—Once more adieu
PARIS still but on the point of quitting it in a few hours—My brother arrived here on Sunday night and with him—but no matter—He is not of sufficient consequence to interrupt a narrative in which we are all so much interested—You may be curious tho—Lord Hume then came with Sir George from Naples he has had a thousand ridiculous adventures in Italy—I have not seen him yet and do not know when I shall
My eyes as you apprehended certainly told tales for the moment Sir George saw me he said there is a glad expression in my sisters face that would almost
tempt me to hope beyond the bounds of reason but alas Fanny there is no redemption from the grave
True Sir George I answered but perhaps your treasure may not yet be consigned to that strong chest—He caught my hand and pressing it to his heart cried out it is impossible that you should mean to trifle with my anguish Yet did she not expire at Amiens
She never was at Amiens I replied—Where where then did her pure spirit take its flight and quit her lovely form—You must be more composed Sir George before I can talk further on this subject—Why was it started Fanny Why are my wounds all made to bleed afresh Can you delight in cruelty
Far from it you know how tenderly I sympathized with your distress when I believed her dead—If there is a cause in nature that can make you doubt it now O speak it quickly and ease my anxious heart
I have strong reasons to believe she lives or I should not thus have alarmed you—My friend Mrs Walter has seen and conversed with a young lady of the name of Delia Colville in a convent at Saint Omers who may be her
He dropped upon his knees—and exclaimed—Gracious Heaven but realize this blessed vision let me no longer mourn my Delias loss and unrepining will I then submit to all that fate or fortune can inflict upon my future days
Speak speak on my sister and say again that you believe she lives—Indeed I do believe so my dear brother—He rose and caught me in his arms while the large drops ran plenteous down his cheeks—Tears relieved us both
I then proceeded to acquaint him with those circumstances which I have already informed you of as I thought I might now venture to speak to him with more certainty and that I felt too much pain in keeping him longer doubtful—His transports increased and it is utterly impossible to give any idea of the excess of his joy
It was with difficulty I could prevent his going at midnight to Lord H— but though I prevailed on him to defer his
visit till morning I could not persuade him to go to bed or attempt to take any rest or food except a little wine and water and the whole night was spent in repeating what I had told him before and rereading Mrs Walters letter
Selfish mortal as he is he barely mentioned his having extricated Lord Hume out of some doleful disasters that befel him at Naples in which an operasinger was the principal performer—But what consequence could he suppose the story to be of to me
Though I neither am or ever mean to be connected with his Lordship I am pleased that my brother saved his life and that by his means he has got quit of an artful woman who might probably
have ruined his fortune and I have a kind of satisfied pride also in thinking that he is so much indebted to our family
I am afraid there is something mean in the above reflection—but I am not now at leisure enough to trace it back to its source—at some other time I will fairly and philosophically investigate its nature and receive or reject it according as I find it derived from a good or bad origin
Long before the ambassadors servants were stirring my brother attempted his door and I think he returned three times before his excellency was visible As soon as he had acquainted him with his business Lord H— very obligingly
set out with him for Versailles and has promised to get the order for Delias enlargement as much expedited as possible
My brother as you may suppose remains in waiting till it is finished and is then to call on me and fly to St Omers without staying for the return of the chancellors messenger from Toulouse I have sat all day in my travelling dress as I would not delay him for any consideration
I mentioned your joy on the recovery of Delia he returns your love an hundredfold and says he will write both to you and Sir William as soon as his spirits are a little more composed
I fear to attempt answering my dear Louisas letter at present as I expect
to be summoned by my brother every instant
His carriage turns into the porte cochere this moment Adieu
ma tres chere soeur
St Omers
THOUGH I have been here three days my head is still giddy with the violent motion and emotion I have gone through since I left Paris—We set out the moment I had sealed my last letter to you and travelled with as much expedition as French roads horses and postboys would permit Sir George
was determined to stop at Amiens and notwithstanding the certain assurances I had given him that his Delia was alive he seemed to be strongly agitated when we drove into the town
He inquired from our landlord whether he recollected a young English ladys dying there at such a time And being answered in the affirmative the colour forsook his cheek he fell almost lifeless on a settee that was near him and sighed out
Ah Fanny why have you deceived me
I could not help being provoked at his weakness and told him I did not know that he was to be a mourner for all the young English women that should die in France that I was perfectly convinced
Miss Colville was alive and well or I should not have set out on our present expedition but if he was inclined to think otherways he had better not pursue the journey any farther
He replied with his usual mildness—
Who loves must fear
And sure who loves like me must greatly fear
But my reliance on you has banished my apprehensions and I now only desire to inquire into this affair to know by what means Mrs Colville could avail herself of a strangers death to carry on the vile deceit she has practised
Our host like most others was very well inclined to be communicative and informed us of the following particulars that on such a day the diligence that
goes to Paris stopped at his house and set down a very pretty young woman who was so extremely ill that she was not able to travel farther and that notwithstanding all possible care was taken of her she expired on the fourth day after her coming there
They had discovered before she died that she was an English heretic as she absolutely refused to let any of their clergy attend her during her illness but they knew not even her name nor whom she belonged to and though her cloaths and effects were sufficient to defray the expences of her funeral yet as she was not a catholic she could not be interred in consecrated ground and mine host to use his own phrase said he was in a perfect quondary to know how he should dispose of the body
But as good luck would have it a lady and her maid arrived at his house the next day in a postchaise—As they were English he acquainted them with his distress and the maid was sent to look at the dead person in order to know if she could give any account of her—She returned to her mistress and they were for some time shut up together—At last the lady herself went to look at this lifeless beauty and the moment she saw her she gave a loud scream and ran back into her apartment
Some time after the maid called for him and told him that it was her ladys daughter who had died there and gave some hints of her having eloped from her friends—She desired that every thing might be prepared in the best manner
for sending the body to England and strictly charged him not to let any person go into the chamber where she lay but those who were immediately concerned about the body
She added that he might dispose of the young ladys effects as he thought proper except a small trunk which contained only a miniature picture a pocket book and some letters and the lady would pay all the necessary expences on this melancholy occasion—Every thing was then done as she directed to the mutual satisfaction of mine host and that burier of the living and robber of the dead Mrs Colville
I have not now leisure to expatiate on this extraordinary coincidence of circumstances
yet I must observe that fortune seemed inclined to favour Mrs Colvilles deceit by the particular situation of the young woman at Amiens whose interment had imposed on all Delias friends even on her lover and prevented any further inquiry about her
I dare say you are by this time very impatient to get us to our journeys end but dont be in a hurry Louisa for our haste in setting out before the next day occasioned a very disagreable delay as it brought us to the gates of St Omers an hour after they were shut and obliged us to pass a miserable night in what they call an auberge but in our country I think it might more justly be stiled a barn
At last the wishedfor morning came and we pursued our way directly to the convent—It is impossible to give you any idea of my brothers emotion—When we were shewn into the parlour I desired to see the superior—I know that I must not stop here to give you a description of her person but indeed she is a fine old lady
As soon as she appeared I delivered the kings mandate to her which she read with great dignity but not without surprise and said if she had been imposed on with regard to the young lady in question she was not to blame and added that she was ready on the instant to obey the kings order by delivering Miss Colville to my care
Sir George in a transport exclaimed
Let me but see her Madam
—There I
interposed my negative for Delias sake as I feared the effects which so unexpected an interview might have upon her spirits—It was therefore at last agreed to that I should go into another parlour see Mrs Walter and send her to prepare Delia for such a joyful event
Our amiable friend soon came to me and I have the happiness to tell you that she is most wonderfully recovered but in pity to my brothers impatience I scarce waited to inquire her health before I appointed her the messenger of glad tidings to our dear Delia
She returned with her in an instant but when the lovely girl beheld me she could not speak she made an effort to put her hand through the grate and funk down on a chair that stood near her—
Tears came to her relief and she at last articulated
O my beloved Fanny my more than sister
At that word she blushed and hid her face as if to wipe away the tears
I instantly replied you are my dear the sister of my choice and by that tender name and for my brothers sake I beg you to compose yourself—He is now in the house and most ardently longs to see you but must not be indulged at the expence of injuring your health by an increase of agitation—If you were calm he should appear this moment—I am quite calm she said and fainted away
I do not think I was ever so terrified in my life—By the assistance of the nuns
she was brought to herself in about ten minutes and by the superiors permission Sir George was admitted into the parlour with me—I thought their meeting would have killed us all—Even an old nun wept while she administered drops and water to the whole company—I feel myself too much affected even at this instant to be able to repeat the noconversation that passed at the time Sir George embraced me as if I had been his mistress and Delia clung round Mrs Walters neck calling her deliverer guardian angel c
When our transports had a little subsided I proposed our adjourning to the inn till we could be accommodated with private lodgings for we had before agreed to wait the return of the chancellors
messenger at St Omers as it was absolutely necessary that my brother should have a little rest after his fatigue both of mind and body—But he was not fated to taste repose as speedily as I then hoped for
I received Miss Colville in due form from the hands of the superior by whom many compliments and apologies were made to her late prisoner—Delias behaviour was charming for instead of reproaches for the severity she had suffered she returned thanks for the great care that had been taken of her and took a most polite and even affectionate leave of the whole community
Mrs Walter and Olivia accompanied us to the inn and we passed the day in
mutual congratulations and in moralizing on the providential series of incidents that had procured Delias deliverance—But towards evening we all perceived a visible change in her countenance and before midnight there appeared strong symptoms of a fever
My brother was almost distracted my heart bleeds for him—Should she again be torn from his fond heart I think it would be impossible that he should survive the second blow—But I will hope the best—He has not gone to bed since we left Paris he never stirs from the antechamber of the room where she lies and looks so dreadfully that I am shocked at seeing him
The physicians here say that she is not in danger but they are so miserably
ignorant that I cannot rely on their judgment in a case where I am so sincerely interested Mrs Walter and I sit up by turns and never leave the dear invalid a moment I fear she suffers from her concern for us but she promises and I hope will perform her engagement to be well in a few days
On the very day that we took her out of the convent there came a letter from her mother intreating the superior to send Delia to some other nunnery and charging her to deny her ever having been there to any person who should inquire after her—Thank God we have counteracted her wicked scheme and I trust he will restore her to our prayers and wishes
Again excuse me my Louisa for not entering upon the subjects mentioned in your last letter as the present situation of our beloved brother and adopted sister engrosses all my thoughts and I cannot even allow a minutes attention to what appears a very extraordinary circumstance which is Lord Humes following us from Paris and lodging directly opposite to us at St Omers He sends five or six times a day to inquire Delias health and writes a letter once a day to Sir George
I cant help being pleased with this appearance of attention and goodnature to my brother and at the proper respect he shews in not taking the advantage which he might of obtruding himself into my presence under pretence of visiting his friend
Why O why has he foolishly deprived himself and me of what once appeared to have been so great a pleasure to us both But that is past—I do not nor I will not think of him—
Adieu my dearest sister
PS You know that Sir George Mrs Walter Delia and Olivia all love you forgive me then for uniting their affections with mine and presenting them in one bouquet together instead of offering them to your acceptance in detached sprigs
Delia has slept all the time I have been writing she wakes this moment she is much refreshed—I fly to tell Sir George
St Omers
OUR fears have been much increased for Delias life since I wrote last but thank Heaven they are now happily over her disorder turned out to be the measles the physicians have pronounced her out of danger and all our spirits are attuned to the sweet harmony of love and joy—If I had not been witness of them I should not easily have credited an account of the extravagancies which Sir George was guilty of during her illness
I find Louisa that when these philosophic gentlemen are thrown the least
out of their bias they are not a bit more steady than ourselves and
Hang up philosophy
should be the motto of them all whenever their passions are thoroughly interested—But not to treat my brother too severely his was a very particular case and had his treasure been snatched from his arms almost in the moment he had recovered it the trial would I think have been too severe for human fortitude
The messenger returned from Toulouse while Delia was in the utmost danger we did not therefore at that time trouble ourselves to inquire what Mrs Colville had said or done on this extraordinary occasion but we are since informed that she absolutely insists on her daughters being dead and buried and denies
her having placed her in the convent—It is shocking to think how very near she was to speaking truth at the very time she uttered this falsehood
She sent off another express to the superior of the Ursulines with a letter to tell her that more than her life depended on her steadiness in denying her ever having received Delia into the convent and promising to give a thousand guineas to the foundation provided she took care to secrete her effectually
The good old lady has put this letter into my brothers possession and he in return has made a present to the sisterhood of five hundred pounds—This paper would be proof sufficient against Mrs Colville if we had not a still more
undoubted evidence in the person of our dear Delia
The moment her health is established we shall return to England and notwithstanding my joy at her recovery shall quit St Omers with regret as I cannot prevail on my beloved Mrs Walter to accompany us—She and her sweet little girl are perfectly idolized in the convent and I fear if Mrs Walters situation would admit of her taking the veil that she would certainly pass the remainder of her days in that quiet asylum
To prevent this I wish long life to the most worthless being upon earth—I should not specify Colonel Walter here if Mrs Colville were not alive—I wish they were married together and then I
am pretty sure there is not a pair in the drawingroom of Pandaemonium that would not readily give them due place and precedence—But I will have done with these infernals—and now for your long too long unanswered letter
I hope by this time Sir Williams recovery has removed the anxiety you must necessarily feel on his illness and released you from a confinement that might possibly injure your health—Were it not for these considerations I know of few offices more pleasing than attending a person we love in slight disorders—There is something extremely flattering to a generous mind in the idea of administering relief to anothers pains—To
Explain the thought explore the asking eye
What a delightful employment and when crowned with success by the recovery
of our patient we are conscious of a certain exultation in the mind, which can only arise from the certainty of having done what nature claims and charity enjoins
I have of late experienced great pleasure in the execution of this duty from my attendance on Mrs Walter and Delia and am therefore inclined to elevate the office of nursetending by placing it amongst our rational pleasures and rescuing it from the mean character of one of the mere duties of life
Yet I fear I shall make but few converts to my opinion especially amongst the gay world who looking upon it in such a servile light rank it with fasting penitence and prayer and too often postpone them together till they may
need them all themselves and then are left in their turn to the care of servants and other mercenaries—Mais assez sur ce point
If Miss Ashford be a woman of sense you run no hazard in trusting her with your opinion of Colonel Walter though she were ever so much in love—If she be weak she stands more in need of such a friendly warning and if she should break with you in consequence of it I think you may easily console yourself for the loss of such an acquaintance by reflecting that you acted from a spirit of friendship of which she has shewn herself unworthy
I perfectly approve of your conduct towards the person himself and am for your sake glad to exculpate Lord Lucan
from the weakness might I not add the dishonour of having made a confidant—What a charming girl is our Harriet—I must call her so for indeed I have a very great claim to her affection from having unsolicited bestowed so large a portion of mine on her which I hope when she is Lady Lucan—dont start Louisa—and her heart quite at ease she will generously repay
Now pray let me be indulged in talking a little of myself et mon pauvre amant humilié et humiliant—for I believe one and confess the other—My brother has informed me of Lord Humes misadventures at Naples the particulars of which I shall not trouble you with at present as they are nothing different from the too general pranks and hazards of youthful spirits and may serve us better
to laugh at on the first têteatête we may ever have the pleasure of enjoying together
I bestow a generous wish that Sir Georges notion about this matter may prove true that as he has not only seen but felt his folly and extravagance he may be more likely to act prudently for the rest of his life than if he had never erred
This is a maxim universally propagated and may in some instances be true but I can scarce think it a sufficient foundation for a woman of sense to build her happiness on—To a man who has been accustomed to the artful blandishments of an abandoned woman I should much fear that the delicate endearments of a
wife would appear as tasteless and insipid as true wit to the epigrammatist or the sweetest viand to the spiced palate
But all this is merely matter of speculation and of no manner of consequence to me for Lord Hume has never yet attempted to pay me a visit either at Paris or here and Sir George has not hitherto been in a situation to invite him especially as from a very proper delicacy he has never acquainted him with the circumstances of Miss Colvilles story and though we set out from Paris at the same time he kept different stages from us all the way
The account that my brother has just given me of that particular is this that they had agreed at Naples to travel together
to England but on their arrival at Paris and his hinting to him that I had come to meet him there on account of some singular piece of business or other he had immediately estranged himself from any further connection with him saying after his lively manner that as he looked upon himself to be in the nature of a redeemed knight he thought it his bounden duty to attend his deliverer in the quality of an humble squire till he had escorted him safe into his own country but should wait upon him at such a respectful and unprying distance as might leave the privacy both of his conversation and transactions perfectly free from any manner of restraint
My brother you know was abroad when our affections commenced and
grew together while I was under the matronage of my aunt Marriot when he returned I had not courage enough to acquaint him with a secret which would better have become Lord Hume himself to have informed him of as they have ever lived on the most friendly terms together and in the present situation of the affair it would be extremely indiscreet and absurd to breathe the least hints of it now
Our childish affections as they must naturally be formed without judgment are generally unfortunate attachments as they sometimes leave such traces on the heart as a long life of maturer reason can scarcely wear away and to you I will not blush to own that were it not for that fatal letter which Lord Hume wrote
to me from Naples and which is as indelibly engraved on my heart as the first impression he made there I could again be weak enough were he to solicit it to reassume those rosy fetters which I fancied our juvenile hands had formed sufficiently strong to hold us both for life—But that letter Louisa I cannot forget it—I must therefore try to forget the writer of it
I am however vastly pleased with the delicacy of his present behaviour—I told you in my last that he lodges opposite to us he is generally planted at his window but whenever I approach mine he bows and retires immediately—He has it seems no kind of business in this place but stays here from the mere possibility of his being in some degree or by some
chance or other useful to my brother to whom he thinks himself everlastingly indebted for his kindness to him at Naples
Gratitude cannot exist in a base mind—How then can gratitude and ingratitude subsist in the same heart—How can the same man run so far in arrear to the account of love and be so ready to overpay the debt of friendship Were he a man hackneyed in the ways of the world I should not be so much surprised at this inconsistency of character
Men of galantry I have heard consider women as bigotted catholics do heretics and hold no faith with them—And that sweet line which Shakespeare has put into the mouth of the innocent
Juliet is repeated with perhaps an equal degree of contemptible exultation by the abandoned courtier and the apeing cit
At lovers perjuries they say Jove laughs
But Lord Hume is young and youth is the spring of virtue at least it is the season when we are most liable to feel
The compunctious visitings of Nature
in consequence of our trespassing against her laws by injuring the peace or happiness of others
But I am myself trespassing against her first emotion that of selfpreservation by dwelling on a subject which must for ever be productive of pain notwithstanding my repeated efforts to blunt the arrows point
I congratulate you on the near prospect of happiness which opens to your friend Miss Leister—May it terminate in the possession of all her wishes I hope she is by this time Lady Creswell and that my sweet little Harriet had the pleasure and honour of being her paranymph—I consider this office as a step to advancement and I suppose most young ladies are of my opinion as they are generally very desirous of it
I think I have now though slightly touched upon every article of your last letter and I hope to find a pacquet from you at my return to Doverstreet and that soon very soon after I shall be able to give you an account of the joining of a pair whose hearts are I believe as firmly united as any that ever took
hands from the first wedding in Eden down to this present day
Adieu my dear Louisa you are loved and remembered by all here but by none more affectionately than
St Omers
HERE I am and here like a fool as I am I have been loitering these three weeks without any kind of business or pleasure to pursue or even a creature to converse with except honest old Saunders who wonders mightily at my lordship for passing my time so lonesomely as he phrases it
You will perhaps wonder too till I inform you that I have the pleasure of seeing Fanny Cleveland every day—Dont envy me Lucan for I am only permitted to gaze at her across the street where we both live at present—I wish I had a little of the fascinating power of the basilisk in my eyes that might make the dear girl throw herself into my arms and may I perish if I would injure her when she was folded there
But how came I here in the midst of my friends alone youll be curious enough to ask To which I can make no other answer than to repeat the hint I gave you from Paris with regard to some mystery or other relative to Sir Georges concerns It cannot be any affair of galantry or a sister would not be
his confidante—it cannot be a business of honour or I should probably have been let into the secret—we may fairly conclude then that it must certainly be some second love engagement or other of difficulty which his romantic punctilio may not leave him yet at liberty to divulge—For he appeared to be one of the knights of the sorrowful countenance as well as your lordship when I met him first at Naples—However that matter may be I have taken care ever since his reserved communication to me never to distress him by my visits and though we travel the same road together I may be rather said to attend on than accompany him all the way
I remember when my infatuation for Margarita was at the height your
telling me that I loved Fanny Cleveland notwithstanding—I was surprised at an assertion then which I now find to be true—But allowing this fact which I suppose she must be certain of as well as you by my hankering after her at this rate and the timid respect I treat her with from my window which is directly opposite to hers—
Tell me my heart if this be love
Dont you think she uses me rather too severely But all lovers are unreasonable—and false ones deserve mortification
Though perhaps it may be my own fault that I am kept thus aloof for I am such a bashful penitent that I have not courage enough to desire leave to
wait on her though surely some favourable interval might be contrived even amidst the occupation of the most secret family intercourse to afford sufficient leisure for the common decencies of friendship or politeness
I would give any consideration that the ••rst interview was over end as it may but I do noturge it though I am convinced that Sir George knows nothing either of the engagements or the breach between his sister and me—I wish I could pluck up heart of grace enough to tell him all about it For as I told you before he is a very sensible man and though he had lately some honourable attachment or other and may perhaps have entered into a new one since—without any manner of imputation—for
constancy to the grave is both madness and folly—yet I think it is at least ten to one that he has had some little gayeté de coeur in the Margarita stile himself at some time of his life and therefore would not make such a fuss about a mans having strayed a little out of his road on a common as his prudish sister might do who to be sure like all other Dianas steers exactly by rule and compass
I wish you were here this moment to advise me how to conduct myself under my present difficulty for I am in confounded aukward circumstances and though you pretend to be a much modester youth than me I will be hanged were you in my situation if you would not extricate yourself much easier than I can possibly contrive to do
But whither has my former undaunted spirit taken its flight to of late I had once the courage to give a bold affront and yet tremble now at the justice of asking pardon for it—Thus conscience conscience Lucan makes cowards of us all
If they get over to England before I have obtained leave to wait on Miss Cleveland it is all over with me for I may visit Sir George seven years and never see his sister My last resource must be to get into the same pacquetboat with her and pray most devoutly for a good storm in our passage that we may be cast away and that I may have an opportunity like Jaffier—
To save her life with half the loss of mine
Or else that the waves may swallow me
and my folly together and so leave no trace behind of your affectionate friend
HUME
PS You are so confoundedly dry and uncommunicative that I have left off asking you any more questions about your mistress—If she should turn out a diavola like mine—I mean Margarita—I am sure you wont be such a simpleton as to tell me and yet it would be but goodnatured of you to let me laugh in turn
Write to me however and direct to Almacks for I hear we are all to set out for old England next week
ST Omers still and my tutelar Saint shall Omer be as long as I exist—Little did I think my dear Lucan when I concluded my last letter that I should write to you again from this place where the dull uniformity of my life seemed nothing calculated to afford the least subject matter for another line but chance—how much are we all indebted to chance—has happily furnished me with materials sufficient to write an epic poem if I were but as good a poet Homer as who must certainly have taken his name from this place—H non est litera you know—For I insist upon it that the burning of three real good and substantial houses in this
town is to the full as interesting a subject to all mortals now living as the famous conflagration of his imaginary Troy
I further affirm that Helen was but a sunburnt dowdy to the lovely Fanny Cleveland whom I happier far than any hero living or dead have just now rescued from the flames and that the gentle Delia Colville is much handsomer than Madam Andromache who I think ranked next to her in beauty that Sir George Cleveland is as brave as Hector and that your friend Hume is at least as much in love as monsieur Paris I do not mean either the Taylor or the Saint of that name but the very identical Trojan with whom Ledas daughter ventured herself on shipboard as my adorable Fanny will presently with me
May prosperous gales attend our Argos a richer sure than ever sailed from Colchis for I do not now stand in need of the machinery of a storm—The glorious element of fire has purged away my foulness and like the asbestos I am rendered pure again My Fanny too rises a newborn phoenix from her nest
I am in such spirits Lucan that I find it impossible to give you a rational account of this charming adventure—Suffice it then to say that I had the happiness—that expression is too faint—anagogy is the word—to save my Fannys life may I not add—I dare not pronounce it—She must she will be grateful in her soft looks and downcast eyes I read my pardon signed—The regards
of anger are erect and fierce those of disdain oblique and scornful—But Fannys eyes they never were so beautiful as now—scarce raise their lovely lids and only sparkle through their sable fringe like stars in a clear sky—I think that is a poetical image beat it Lucan and Ill allow you to be about half as much in love as I am
I cannot stay to scribble any more to you rejoice with me congratulate me and believe me yours sincerely
HUME
PS If I ever recover my wits again Ill deal out the particulars of my trial ordeal—but believe me I would prefer my present inebriation to all the sober sense that ever was from Solomon down to Samuel—need I add the sirname of Johnson here
I Received both your letters my dear Hume by the same pacquet and as I think it much pleasanter to congratulate than condole I shall only reply to the last of them for if you are as I now begin to think a true lover your present happiness must have banished every trace of your former disquiet
You have indeed my lively friend been mightily indebted to chance and I hope you will pardon me for saying that it has done more in your favour than you had any right to have hoped for—But you careless fellows sometimes profit more by getting into scrapes than we sober ones do by keeping out of them
I think it requires the utmost effort of disinterested friendship not to envy you the happiness of having been serviceable to the woman you love—And such a woman too whose generous nature can be softened into a forgiveness of injuries by the small merit of having done an act that any man in the world though not a lover would have been proud to have performed But who is Delia Colville pray This is another personage added to your former drama—being her first appearance on the stage—But she must be the new mistress of Sir George I suppose whom you hinted at before and so that mystery is unravelled at last
Helas que mon sort est plus bizarre—The object of my adoration has been ill dangerously ill for some time and I
have not even dared to express my sorrow for her sufferings or relieve my anxiety by incessant and minute inquiries about her health—We are many many miles asunder almost at the opposite extremes of this kingdom and I am debarred even the poor indulgence of lamenting by secret correspondence the pangs I hourly feel from absence—But she is the ruler of my destiny and I will not murmur or repine at whatever she shall ordain
Do I not then deserve that chance or fortune should do something in favour of such an humble and patient sufferer as I am—Yet what can it do for me circumstanced as my unhappy passion is it must be criminal even to hope that those insuperable bars which now
divide us should ever be removed—And yet my weak my guilty heart even at this moment feels a gleam of joy in thinking that there is a chance which soon may set her free—Let me not dwell upon the subject or breathe a wish that must render me unworthy of her
I have received an invitation to attend the nuptials of an intimate friend of mine who has been long in love with a very amiable young woman but till now
Withheld by parents
—Though utterly unfit for any scene of festivity I cannot refuse this summons as I am truly interested in the happiness both of the bride and bridegroom—I shall therefore set out immediately for Dublin The wedding will be celebrated
a few miles from it but direct to me there
And if you have yet descended from your hyperbolical heights pray let me have a simple newspaper paragraph about the fire and the facts that attended it Your hopeless state has been bettered I find by the same unnatural means that the wretched farmers of this country use with their land when their crops begin to grow thin they burn it But you are a lucky fellow in every thing—Even your ill behaviour to Miss Cleveland turns out now to your advantage—A woman affords an irrefragable proof of her love who forgives such an affront for if she does believe me that tis her own passion not your chivalry that has recovered her to you
Adieu
LUCAN
Elm grove near Dublin
THANK you my Fanny for the pleasure I have received from all your letters but particularly for the last which announces the glad tidings of Delias recovery of my brothers approaching happiness and of your return to England
You will see by the date of this that I have made an excursion from Southfield since my last—Sir William who is now I hope in a fair way of recovery has at last consented to Lucys most earnest and repeated request and has kindly permitted me to attend her nuptials
—He intends to pass the time of my absence with Colonel Walter—I am sorry he has chosen him for his companion but what arguments could I oppose to his inclinations
On my arrival in Dublin yesterday morning I was met by my beloved Lucy and her beloved lover—I never saw delicate happiness so strongly impressed upon elegant features as it appeared in both their countenances yet there was a little mixture of timidity in Lucys eyes which abated their vivacity but encreased that charming look of sensibility which is the natural result of refined tenderness—the most irresistible of female charms
Harriet who came with me is in high spirits she is to have the honour
you wished her of being bridemaid on this occasion—Young girls are always delighted at the prospect of a wedding and consider that most solemn and hazardous act of our lives merely as a festival—When alas—But this wedding will I hope and believe justify their opinion and make a holiday for both their lives Amen Isay with all my heart
Mrs Layton Lucy Harriet and I came here yesterday in my coach This morning I have been all about the place and never saw a sweeter spot the prospects are delightful there is an ample view of the bay of Dublin and of the opposite hills which for many miles are richly cultivated and adorned with numberless gardens and villas—There
is nothing in the environs of London half so beautiful as neither the Thames or Medway can pretend to vie in beauty or in grandeur with the ocean
This lovely seat Sir Harry Creswell has just purchased and settled it as a jointure house on my fair friend leaving his familymansion to descend in the usual course to his heirs male—I am pleased with the propriety and delicacy of this action as I have always thought it extremely cruel that a woman should be obliged to quit her house on the death of her husband and be as it were turned adrift in the world at the time she has lost her chief stay and support in it
Sir Harry is to dine with us here this day and to go back to Dublin
which is just six miles off at night tomorrow he returns here again to part from his Lucy no more The ceremony is then to be performed in a neat private chapel within the demesne—Miss Creswell a sister of Sir Harrys is to be the other bridemaid and his bridemen whoever they are to be will I suppose attend him hither
I hear a carriage driving furiously and am not yet dressed—It must be Sir Harry—Lovers are impatient—Tis he indeed but can I believe my sight Lord Lucan with him My fate pursues me O Fanny I can write no more
Adieu
THE moment I had laid down my pen Harriet flew into my room to express her surprise at Lord Lucans arrival but joy was much more predominant than wonder in her artless eyes—Lucy came into my chamber soon after to assure me that she did not know of his Lordships coming or even that he was an acquaintance of Sir Harrys till he introduced him to her that instant below stairs Harriet replied with unusual
vivacity
Surely Miss Leister you need not make an apology for such an agreeable addition to our society as Lord Lucan
The moment these words had escaped her her face was covered with blushes
I took not the least notice of her emotion though it struck me strongly when contrasted with the different sensations of fear and anxiety that affected my heart A thousand disagreeable thoughts rushed at once into my mind I determined however to act with the utmost circumspection and carefully to avoid any particular interview or conversation with his Lordship
I did not quit my chamber till dinner was served—I spent the intermediate
hour extremely ill in forming set speeches and fashioning my conduct to impossible rules which all vanished out of my thoughts like a dream the moment I beheld Lord Lucan and I suppose that no creature could ever have appeared more completely embarrassed upon any occasion
His countenance upon seeing me was expressive of the sincerest delight there was a brilliancy in his eye and a liveliness in his complexion which would have made the homeliest features pleasing—Alas his wanted not this adventitious aid—
My confusion soon became contagious and seemed to throw a general damp upon the spirits of the whole company—
Even the happy Creswel abated of his chearfulness and often sent forth a look of inquiry to try if he could discover the cause of his own change in Lucys now altered countenance
I could not help perceiving the gloom I had spread and endeavoured but in vain to rally my spirits—they were sunk too low to be recalled—I would have retired but that would have been an addition to my friends distress—We made a dull and silent meal and I quitted the table the moment it was possible
I withdrew immediately to my chamber and begged to be left alone—I was indulged by Lucy though unwillingly I tried to account to myself for the uncommon heaviness which oppressed my
heart—The weakness of my past conduct appeared in the most glaring light to me and from the agonies of remorse which I then felt I concluded myself the most guilty of wretches—
Yet my reason revolted against this opinion but was still utterly unable to banish it or to account for the sudden change in my sentiments upon this subject as no alteration had happened either in Lord Lucans conduct or my situation from the time that I had considered my attachment to him as perfectly innocent because it was absolutely involuntary—I became almost distracted with my doubts and traversing my chamber with hasty steps I exclaimed how poor how insufficient is human reason either
to direct our actions or restrain our passions
O Thou that stillest the raging of the sea and calmest the fury of the winds abate this conflict in thy creatures breast and point the way in which my feet should tread to find the paths of peace—A sudden gush of tears followed this ejaculation my mind grew calm and I thought I could at that instant have taken an everlasting leave of Lord Lucan with the most perfect resignation
I continued musing upon the subject of my future conduct for a long time and at last determined that I would endeavour to assume as much chearfulness as possible while I remained at Elmgrove that in a very few days after the wedding
I would return to Southfield but before I went write a letter to Lord Lucan fully expressive of the change in my sentiments with regard to him or rather myself enjoining him to make no reply nor attempt ever to see me more
Soon after I had formed this resolution Lucy tapped softly at my chamberdoor—She saw I had been weeping but as I smiled and held out my hand on her approach she said my face might be compared to an April day but as sunshine seemed now to prevail she hoped there would be no more showers—we joined the company and I with pleasure perceived that I was much less constrained in my manner to Lord Lucan and every body else than I had been at dinner
A little flight of Sir Harrys at the time that the gentlemen were to leave us and return to town threw me into a second embarrassment—he insisted upon his being permitted to salute all the ladies as he should never be another night a bachelor and that Lord Lucan and a young gentleman whose name is Weston and was then present should salute Miss Leister as she should not chuse to spare them one of her kisses when he should have an exclusive right to the sole property of them
Young Weston who perhaps mistakes vivacity for good breeding proposed this follys becoming general and it was impossible to object seriously to a matter that appeared so very trifling especially upon such an occasion as this
—Once at a wedding you know is a proverb
Yet neither you nor any of that company will I hope ever know the pangs I felt at receiving a kiss from Lord Lucan—It seemed to cost him almost as much pain as it did me for he trembled as if he had been seized with an aguefit—The consent of my heart shocked me with a consciousness of guilt—I am sorry the foolish affair happened—but I will think no more of it
It is now near two o clock in the morning of Lucys weddingday and as I suppose I shall not have much leisure for some time to come I would not omit before I lay me down to rest if that may be acquainting my dear confessor
and counsellor with the state of that heart which while it beats will ever retain the tenderest affection for her
Every good wish attends my brother and I hope I may by this time add his amiable wife—My Fannys claim to that title is I think and hope not far distant
The renewal of Lord Humes connections with Sir George might have been merely accidental but his continuing them in the manner he has done even to the incumbrance of my brother in his present circumstances speaks the revival of his attachment to you much stronger than the most direct and formal proposition could possibly have done—His attorney might perform the one but his
passion only could be capable of the other
Lord Hume has his merits as well as his faults and the mild eye of my sisters charity is ever more open to the former than the latter and if the union I have hinted at should take place I trust they will become every day more conspicuous
Adieu my Fanny
PS Eight o clock in the morning—I have passed a miserable night—disturbed slumbers and terrifying dreams—If I were superstitious I should imagine some ill fate awaits me—Alas how totally unfit am I for the festivity of a bridal day
OUR wedding my Fanny was conducted with the greatest propriety and elegance there were eighteen persons present the eldest of whom Mrs Layton excepted was not eight and twenty—Pleasure sat smiling on every placid brow even I endeavoured to assume an air of chearfulness but thought myself like Lucifer in heaven unblessed amidst the blessed
It is said that every woman looks better on her weddingday than any other of her life—I confess I never saw Lady Creswel appear so beautiful there was a sort of serene happiness in her countenance
which I know not how to describe her clear brown complexion appeared almost transparent yet was often heightened to the most becoming blush by the fond looks of her enamoured bridegroom
The dress of all brides is nearly the same—you may therefore conclude that Lady Creswel wore white and silver—The bridemaids were dressed exactly alike par hazard in pale pink and silver—My cloaths were—Gracious heaven how can I write about such trifling matters while my heart is breaking—I must fly my Fanny for ever fly from the sight of one who becomes every hour more dangerous to my repose
We have now been three days together under the same roof yet have I been lucky enough to avoid any particular conversation with Lord Lucan—He perceives my caution his vanity is doubtless flattered by it yet he affects to appear unhappy his looks are expressive of the tenderest sorrow and he sometimes gazes on me till he seems to have lost himself
Poor Harriet watches his eyes—alas they are but seldom turned on her If he is really as wretched as he seems he is to the full as much to be pitied as myself—Why did we ever meet or why not sooner That heart which in spite of the restraint of duty is but too much devoted to him now had it been free my sister—I fear tis criminal to indulge
this fond idea—I will suppress it then
I have not had leisure to begin the letter I intend to write to him but to morrow or the next day—in short before I seal this I will—And yet what can I say to him—Have I ought to complain of in his conduct that can warrant an everlasting breach between us—Has he not kept within the bounds prescribed by me Has he even presumed to hint he thinks them too severe Unless involuntary sighs and tender looks are construed into crimes Lucan has not offended—Yet yet I will break off this—I know not what to call it—improper at least as well as painful connection—I am almost distracted
I have this moment received a letter from Lord Lucan—I am glad of it—
This is encroaching—I have now some pretence for my intended breach—Yet read it Fanny—I will copy it if my faststreaming tears dont wash the lines away
IF as I hoped the most profound submission to her will whom my mind worships and my eyes adore could have preserved me her esteem never had the unhappy Lucan infringed Lady Bartons command nor even dared to repine at being forbidden to express his hopeless passion by speech or letter to her
But alas Madam though love is blind lovers are quick sighted and I but too clearly perceive that I have lost that
portion of your regard with which I had perhaps too vainly flattered myself
I mean not Madam to reproach you with this cruel change but humbly to implore you to inform me if I have—tho unwittingly heaven knows—been so unfortunate as to have offended you even in the slightest article of my conduct
If my appearing before you at this time without permission be imputed to me give me leave to transfer the blame upon chance which led me hither without knowing that you had intended to have honoured Lady Creswels wedding with your presence The transports I was sensible of on meeting you so unexpectedly here cannot surely be
deemed a crime and yet the misery I have since sustained has made me already sufficiently atone for it as if it had been one
Even my present presumption bears its own apology along with it as your cruelty and my justification required it The unhappy but unoffending suppliant may expostulate even with Heaven itself without impiety
I shall trespass no farther on you Madam than just to assure you that I find I belong no longer to myself and that in spite both of you and me
I am and shall remain ever yours LUCAN
What shall I say to him my sister What answer shall I make to lines so full of tenderness and submission Can I be unjust enough to reproach or condemn him while he is guiltless of any offence towards me Yet if I acquit him do I not criminate myself Must he not think me unworthy of his regards if female caprice alone should appear the motive of my altered conduct—I will not enter on the subject but coldly tell him that I first repented then conquered my past weakness and bid him try to follow my example—O Fanny I shall break his gentle heart If but my own would burst I should be happy
How inconsistent is this letter with my last—Why can I not again recover that
calmness which even a transient devotion had inspired—Alas because my piety was but temporary and transitory—Like the ungrateful Israelites I sought the Lord in my trouble—But has he not promised to be nigh to all those who call upon him—His mercy is not limited and in that hope will I confide
More than half the night is elapsed but I will not close my eyes till I have written to Lord Lucan—Should I defer it till tomorrow his supplicating eye and te•der looks may change my unfirm purpose—Would to heaven I had not come here—Never was any creature so altered in the time—Sir William will certainly perceive the change and how shall I account for it
It is done my sister I have taken an everlasting leave of Lord Lucan—I will copy what I have written—How infinitely short does it fall of what I wished to say
To Lord LUCAN
My Lord
PERFECTLY sensible as I am of the faultiness of my conduct both towards you and myself I submit without repining to the censure implied in your letter—But alas my Lord the crime I am there charged with is not the source of my selfcondemnation—That you may be perfectly convinced of my sincerity I will confess that I saw your growing passion from its earliest infancy and at the same time beheld you in the most favourable light—yet I vainly
hoped that situated as I then was my virtue would have been proof even against your merit and my sense of it—and that the knowing my heart ought to be devoted to another was sufficient to render it so—How have I since blushed at that presumption which was founded not in strength but weakness
From the moment that the accidental circumstance of the picture at Southfield had brought on a confession of our mutual sentiments peace has been a stranger to my breast a consciousness of the irrevocable injury I had been guilty of towards a person I dare not even name at present has haunted me ever since
The constant perturbation of my mind with other mortifications arising from the same source brought on a dangerous illness which led me a willing victim almost to the grave I now rejoice that what I then most ardently desired was not the consequence of the joint disorder both of heart and mind and body
Yes my Lord I wish to live that my future conduct may atone for my past folly and that the example of the weakest of the weaker sex may enable you to conquer a passion which if indulged must be productive of misery only both to yourself and its unhappy object
I will not boast my Lord that I have already accomplished this arduous task
—My nature is sincere—but as a proof that I mean seriously to succeed in the attempt I from this moment interdict myself from ever corresponding or conversing with your Lordship more and do here declare that I will never pardon your attempting either to see or write to me on any future occasion of our lives
I shall ever retain the sincerest wishes for your Lordships happiness though this is the last time that I shall ever subscribe myself
Your affectionate friend L B
I will not comment on this hateful letter surely I never wrote so bad a one—But is that wonderful—Is not
the heart our best inspirer—And can I say that mine dictated this severe decree—Yet I trust my dear Fanny will approve it—It has afforded my mind too a temporary relief
I mean to order my coach as soon as I rise in the morning to send this letter to Lord Lucan before I appear at breakfast and set out directly after for Southfield without giving him time to recover enough from his surprize so as to attempt an expostulation
I am tempted to leave Harriet with Lady Creswel that I may perform the journey alone—What a journey will it be—
Adieu adieu
INDEED my ever dear Louisa your letters have been a heavy alloy to the happiness that I ought now to partake of—but like Joseph when surrounded with all the magnificence and delights of the Egyptian court I weep upon the neck of my Benjamin—Yet let me flatter myself that good and not ill fate awaits my sister as I may now believe the conflicts past and that her own reason and virtue have triumphed over a weakness which as she justly observes could only be productive of misery—Of misery perhaps in the extreme—Yes my sister I do most truly applaud both your letter and your conduct towards
Lord Lucan and what is of infinitely more consequence you will yourself approve it—You will again enjoy
That peace which goodness bosoms ever
—And even feel an higher degree of exultation in your mind at having recovered the lost path than those who have never strayed can possibly be sensible of
With this prophecy I will close the subject of your late letters and shall be impatient till I find it verified by the calm chearfulness which will I hope diffuse itself through all your future correspondence
I have much to tell you both of myself and our dear brother—We have had a wedding as well as you but twas
a very private one—Yet surely I may say with Fitzosborne
What tho in silence sacred Hymen trod
Nor lyre proclaimd nor garland crownd the God
What tho nor feast nor revel dance was there
Vain pomp of joy the happy well may spare
Yet love unfeignd and conscious honour led
The spotless virgin to the bridal bed
All Heavn and every friendly powr
Approvd the vow and blessd the hour
But to proceed regularly—In my last I told you that we should quit St Omers in a few days—Do not be shocked Louisa when I tell you that we were all very near remaining there for ever
As Delia recovered her health Sir Georges spirits returned and after passing a very chearful evening this day three weeks we retired rather before midnight to our chambers—I want
words to express the terror I felt when I was awaked about four o clock in the morning by people screaming out fire and beating at my door in order to force it open—I found myself involved in so thick a smoke that I could not find the passage out of my chamber and concluded that I must inevitably perish
Amidst the variety of voices that repeatedly called upon me to pull up the bolt I thought I distinguished Lord Humes—Perhaps this circumstance added to my confusion—On a sudden the voice ceased and I found myself as it were left alone in the midst of the flames which then burst into one side of the room
At that moment a ladder was fixed against one of my windows and Lord
Hume entering by it caught me in his arms and carried me I know not how but totally devoid of sense to his apartment on the other side of the street
When I had recovered my reason I had the happiness of finding my brother and Delia sitting by me and my champion kneeling before me and pouring lavender water on my hands and face with a look of such tender solicitude as if his life depended upon mine
The emotion of my gratitude or call it what you please was too strong for my spirits—I fainted a second time—I was put to bed in this situation and a surgeon had opened a vein in my arm before I opened my eyes again
Never can I forget the expressive look of sorrow which appeared in Lord
Humes countenance—I confess it Louisa it in one moment obliterated all his past offences and he became even dearer to my heart than he had ever been before—His saving my life even at the hazard of his own was only a proof of his spirit and humanity which he ought to have exerted for any other woman in the same dreadful situation—But the tender anxiety he shewed towards me afterwards spoke the fond lover and the delicacy of his behaviour from that event has strengthened his claim to that title
As soon as my arm was bound up I tried to express my gratitude to Lord Hume but could not—Tears stopped my utterance but relieved the oppression of my heart—He seemed as little able himself to speak as I but in an incoherent
manner said he was the happiest man alive and kissed my hand in transport—Sir George then made every person withdraw except my maid and left me for some hours to compose myself
I found upon enquiry that the fire which had consumed three houses began at a sugar bakers who lived next door to us and that it was not discovered till a part of our house was in flames—An old servant of Lord Humes was the first person who saw the blaze—The poor man happened not to be well and could not sleep—To his sickness under Providence are we indebted for our lives and he shall never more feel the fatigue of servitude or labour his lord and my brother having rendered him independent for life
This accident you may suppose retarded our setting out—Delia who suffered less than I from the fright was an equal loser by the fire—In short neither we nor our servants had been able to save any of our cloaths from the flames—You may conclude that the dear good Walter supplied us with every necessary till we could get them made
I fear the apprehension she felt on our account before she knew that we were safe has hurt her much—She looked so very delicate when we parted that I scarce dare flatter myself with the hopes of ever seeing her more
While we were delayed at St Omers a second courier arrived from Mrs Colville with a letter to St George acknowledging
her passion for him pleading that in her excuse and imploring him in the most abject terms not to expose her weakness by carrying on the suit against her and assuring him of her full consent to his marriage with her daughter
In order to avoid being brought to England by the chancellors messenger she has retired privately from Toulouse and has placed herself in a convent but where we know not nor shall ever enquire—I hope she will remain wherever she is for life as I really believe that the bare sight of her would shock our poor Delia more than the fire had done
She has sent back the small trunk which belonged to the person who died
at Amiens and has desired that Sir George may open it in order to forward the papers in it to the party for whom they are designed if this can be discovered from the initials which is the only address they have—My brother has assigned this commission to me and as soon as I have a moments leisure I will execute it faithfully
If I continue to write so circumstantially there will be no end of this letter you must therefore take leave of St Omers and suffer yourself to be instantly transported across the water with me as if you were reading one of Shakespeares plays and conclude us now safely arrived in London whence I am now writing to you
After my brother had waited on the chancellor and shewn him Mrs Colvilles
letters he most readily gave his consent to Delias marriage and said if he were a bachelor he should be very proud of such an helpmate as the fair lady—meaning me Louisa—who had acted with so much prudence in the conduct of this extraordinary affair
As both the parties were very well inclined to enter into the holy state of matrimony they readily dispensed with the parade of a public wedding and on Saturday last my brother had the happiness of receiving his wellbeloved wife from the hands of my beloved husband that is to be—For we shall take more state and form upon us than they have done I assure you
Joy to my Louisa—The happy pair set out next day for Clevelandhall whither
I shall follow them in a very few days—Mary Granville and Lord Hume are to accompany me and the moment I know my Louisas heart is at peace I shall give Lord Hume a legal claim to mine but not till then for indeed my sister I cannot taste of joy while you are wretched
Lord Hume and my brother have complained much of the dejection of my spirits since we came from France—I have attributed the change in me to that of the climate but I think they dont acquiesce in that opinion and suspect a hidden cause of sorrow though they know not from whence it can arise—O be happy my Louisa and make me so
Lord Humes chariot stops at the door—A lawyer with him—How tremendous
and not a creature with me—Run Robert for Miss Granville—Horrid parchments—Shocking deeds—My hand trembles—I can never sign them—How did you
Adieu adieu my sister
London
IF you are not absolutely dwindled into a state of vegetation and fixed like a plant to one peculiar spot I conjure you by all the powers of friendship my dear Lucan to set out on the receipt of this to be witness to that happiness which I confess beyond either my expectation
or deserts and which I can hardly believe to be real
Listen—Fanny Clevelands lovely hand—what a contrast to her cheek then blushing like the rosy morn has signed our marriage articles and I now only wait for that short passport to happiness which is contained in a few mystical words that I suppose are to hold us inchanted for the rest of our lives
For my own part I acknowledge the spell already—Could all the arguments of philosophy ever have convinced me without my own experience that the slightest touch of Clevelands hand should communicate a richer transport to my soul than the closest embrace of Margarita—In one case I feel myself a man in the other but a brute In the first instance, I
am sensible of the union of mind and body in the second my sensations were totally devoid of all sentiment whatever—Is not this charming enthusiasm—I mistook my transports before—Took giddiness for frolic extravagance for spirit folly for fondness and appetite for passion
On my honour Lucan my Fanny is ten thousand times more lovely than when I left England—In short I did not know her then or I could never have been so infatuated as I was to a creature so every way her inferior—But come my friend come I again intreat you and see this earthly paragon
You say you are at an immense distance from the object of your affection—What signifies then a thousand miles more or
less since you are deprived of the pleasure of seeing her—I begin to think she must be some unnatural manufactured prude—Dont be angry Lucan I have no reason to abuse her but on your account—Not even to permit your writing to her—Perhaps your quitting the kingdom where she is may bring her to better temper—I am but a bad judge in these romantic matters though I am certain that no man living is at this moment more sincerely in love than I am
Sir George Cleveland was married last week and I had the honour of giving the bride away—She is a charming girl I confess but nothing to be compared to my Cleveland—But they have beauty enough between them to stock a seraglio
I do most sincerely wish to have you at my wedding Lucan but I shall not wait an hour for your coming nor should I think of your being present at the ceremony but that my Fanny has declared she will not bestow her hand without the concurrence of a sister who lives in Ireland a Lady Barton—Do you know her Lucan she was a charming girl before she married though not quite as handsome as my Fanny
You see then you have no time to lose for I must not suppose that her Ladyship however matronly she may have become since her marriage can possibly object now to a connection which she seemed once to encourage and approve Give the reins to your horses and away my friend to
yours most truly HUME
PS If you should not find me in London post off to Clevelandhall—I long to introduce you to Sir George and his lady but more particularly to my dear Fanny
DO not I conjure you my dear Louisa add to my misery by delaying your own happiness—The first has already reached its zenith—O may the latter do so too
I will not enter into any further explanation nor mention a single particular relative to myself till I know that you are married If therefore you are anxious about the most interesting events
of my life I shall shortly receive a letter from Lady Hume which will then entitle her to a confidence now withheld from my beloved Fanny Cleveland by her
ever affectionate sister LOUISA BARTON
I HAVE hesitated for some time dear Louisa whether in your present dejected state of mind I should venture to communicate to you a story of much woe which was contained in the papers of the unhappy young woman who died at Amiens
The diverting of any current must necessarily abate its force and whatever can awaken our sensibility for the misfortunes of others must at least for the time render us insensible to our own
I believe too that comparison weighs much in our estimation of good and evil and though a generous heart even labouring under the severest calamities may be incapable of forming a wish for relief at the expence of anothers happiness yet I am persuaded that there is a sort of alleviation to be found in reflecting that there are or rather that there have been others much more wretched than ourselves
Upon this principle then I shall send you this melancholy story which I should never have been mistress of had
the papers in which it was contained though unsealed been properly addressed but as they were only superscribed with initials I was obliged to look into the contents in order to forward them to the person for whom they were designed and I hope my taking a copy of them for you and you only will not be considered as a breach of trust either to the living or the dead
As soon as my brother and sister went out of town which was the first moment I had leisure I opened the little trunk which Mrs Colvilles last messenger brought to St Omers and which may properly enough be called the lachrymal urn of the unfortunate Maria for in it was the tearful narrative of a life of sorrows deposited and though she is now
removed from a possibility of feeling them they still retain the magnetic power of living grief and must attract the sigh of pity from every tender every feeling heart
The STORY of MARIA
To Mr EDWARD S—
Will the most tender and affectionate of brothers with patience condescend to read the sad confession of a dying wretch who owns herself unworthy of his kindness—Yet trembling on the verge of life solicits to obtain his pardon and pity—Alas my Edward they will never reach me—No friendly voice can ever sooth my ear or speak peace to my perturbed heart for soon the motion of its pulse shall cease and this poor shattered frame return to dust—Drop then
one fond forgiving tear upon these pages—Tis all I now can ask or you eer long can grant
The story of my misconduct and misfortunes perhaps will reach you before this letter—How does my heart now bleed for that indignant grief your generous mind must feel for a beloved sisters infamy
I do not mean to extenuate my faults—Alas they will not bear extenuation—And conscious as I am of my approach to that tribunal before which we must all eer long appear deceit or falshood would be as weak as wicked—Then hear the faithful story of my heart and judge me as one erring mortal should another
In less than a year after you sailed for Bengal our dear father died—What an irreparable loss was mine—I need not tell you that as he was in the church we were at once deprived of the principal part of his fortune with his life and that there did not remain above an hundred pounds a year being a life annuity purchased for my mother with her own portion to support her and me
The altered countenances and behaviour of those we had formerly called friends at Gloucester made my mother determine on quitting a place where from her want of knowing the world she considered herself as particularly ill treated—She was then first taught that prosperity is the cement of modern friendship and when that fails the tottering structure sinks into decay
She condescended to consult me upon our future scheme of life though as I was not then fifteen I was but ill qualified for an adviser however I had heard that Bath was a cheap place of residence for those who settle themselves as inhabitants there and as I also believed it to be an agreeable lively scene I had often wished to go thither during my fathers life and therefore used all my little rhetoric with my mother to fix us there
I prevailed and the first year we spent in it was by many degrees the happiest of my life—We lived in a small house near the Crossbath with the greatest oeconomy—My mother did not go much into public but we met with many former acquaintances who were so obliging
to matronize me to the rooms playhouse and walks as often as it was thought proper to let me appear abroad
You cannot my Edward have forgotten my face and person and may suppose that I was not without admirers in the midst of so many gay flutterers as abound at Bath—There are I believe fewer serious engagements made there than at any place where such a concourse of young people continually meet—Whether this is owing to the perpetual dissipation they live in or to the constant rotation of new faces that appear there daily is not to me material—My heart alas was but too susceptible of a tender impression and Captain L— son to Sir Richard L— first inspired my artless bosom with love
During the first three months of our acquaintance we saw each other every day nor did the idea of parting or any other painful thought obtrude upon our minds to interrupt the pleasing delirium of our mutual fondness
Our happiness was then most certainly too great to last—A letter from Sir Richard L— to his son acquainting him that he was promoted to the rank of Captain in a regiment which was then stationed in Ireland with a peremptory command to set out thither immediately was the first and we then thought the severest shock that fate could inflict on us
Though my mother was extremely indulgent to me yet from a delicacy natural to young minds I had never ventured
to acquaint her with my attachment to Captain L— To this small but fatal error I perhaps owe most of the subsequent miseries of my life
The most intimate acquaintance I then had was a young married lady about three and twenty who seemed to have the greatest friendship for my lover and tenderness for me imaginable—Her name is — but I will not expose her for the sake of a respectable family to whom she is allied—though she has brought infamy and sorrows upon me and mine
I will call her Matilda—To her then I disclosed the anguish of my heart at the sad thought of parting with my lover and wept upon her bosom—She seemed
to consider my distress as trifling—Told me I had too much sensibility to be happy and advised me to conquer it—then added laughing these first passions are always troublesome but you will not be so much affected at parting with your next lover I was offended and disgusted at her speech—The very idea had profligacy in it—She quickly perceived my resentment and had address enough to change her stile and soothe me into the most perfect confidence
During the short time that Captain L— remained at Bath after his fathers summons we three were inseparable—He would have married me at that interval but as he was not of age being then but just turned of twenty he could get no clergyman to perform the ceremony
for us—At length the fatal hour of separation arrived—Happiness and he were one in my estimation—They fled alas together
From his letters I received the sole consolation that could alleviate the pangs of absence—They were frequent and tender yet I thought latterly that I sometimes discovered a little tendency towards jealousy in them but unconscious as I was of having given the slightest ground for suspicion by my conduct I thought it beneath me to enter into a particular defence against a general charge and therefore suffered every hint upon this subject to pass unnoticed
We had lived now above a year at Bath and my mother began to find herself
extremely straitened in her circumstances—You had it not then in your power my dear and generous Edward to relieve her distress and I am certain that one of the severest which she herself felt was her not being able to assist you in the first dawnings of your then infant fortunes
My mother though past the prime of life was still handsome and at such a crisis dress is of much more consequence to a woman than at an earlier aera she had been used to elegance and affluence yet she chearfully resigned them all and continued to wear deep mourning in order to ornament me with the remains of her former paraphernalia and every little addition that she could make to it
Matilda used to take me with her frequently to the rooms and generally invited me to private parties at her own apartments—sometimes with my mother but oftener without—She always played high and seemed solicitous to possess me with the same passion—I resisted the temptation for some time on account of the danger and indecorum of such a course of life—To which she replied that as cards were now become the bon ton of all civilized nations the latter of my objections was sufficiently obviated and that in order to guard against the former the earlier I began to practise the better—For as I should soon be a person of rank and fortune by the death of Sir Richard L— I could not think of living like a housewife in such an improved and enlightened
age as the present and that as high play had now became the general amusement and occupation of all people intitled to associate in polite life the sooner I was initiated into the arts and sciences of gaming the safer it would be for my husbands fortune or my own
She would sometimes make me hold her cards while she sat by and instructed me how to play them then she would make me join in the stake and at last led me in to adventure for myself on her promise to lend me what money I might lose till I should be in a condition of repaying her
I am convinced that there is but one step easy to avoid in vice and that is the first—The fear and disgust with which I
had engaged at play at the beginning wore off by degrees and habit had seduced my mind into such a passion for cards in a short time that I regretted the Sundays that my mother confined me at home after the church service was over to read proper discourses and listen to her most excellent instructions
Mr W— an elderly gentleman of fortune used generally to be of our parties—He seemed to distinguish me in a particular manner and used to favour me at play which as soon as I discovered I immediately resented and declared I would lay down my cards if he should ever again attempt to pay me the least compliment of the kind to the disadvantage either of himself or any of the rest of the company—This proper
reproof of mine obliged him to restrain his too indelicate galantry towards me for the future
My cardaccompt preserved itself pretty even for some time without giving me occasion to trespass on the credit which my friend Matilda had made me so voluntary a proffer of till one night that I happened to be led in by her to engage at loo which was a game I had never played at before and knew so little of as not to be aware how deeply I might be involved upon a turn of luck against me—The stakes were not high but as the sorfeits were unlimited I found myself indebted to Mr W— in the sum of thirty guineas when the party broke up
I applied to my friend for the money but she put me off at that time by saying
that I should try my fortune again the next evening at her apartments and that she would then put whatever ballance should appear against me on a proper footing for payment—I was tempted to venture on a second essay at the same game and concluded the night with doubling the debt to the same person I then claimed Matildas promise but she answered me with great coldness and a constrained smile that my creditor was a gentleman of large fortune and as he had made her a confidant of his partiality in my favour she should think it a breach of honour to take me out of his hands by releasing me from so trifling an obligation as this was
The surprise and alarm I felt upon this occasion is not to be expressed—It was
too surely a presage of all my future miseries—I began to find that I had been most treacherously dealt by—I retired to my chamber without speaking even to my mother and passed the night in walking about distractedly and crying out How shall I be ever able to discharge this dangerous debt or how render a justifiable account of my conduct either to my mother to the world but more especially to my dear Captain L—
I confined myself at home for several days after this adventure during which time Matilda came often to solicit my returning into the world again and affected to ridicule my prudery in being rendered so uneasy about so insignificant a circumstance which she assured me was
but one of the common events of life However I continued resolute in keeping myself retired and remained inconsolable on this unhappy incident till I received a letter from Captain L— which I opened with transport hoping it would calm my mind and restore my peace again—Alas what an aggravation to my misfortune and distress did I meet with there
He told me that his regiment was ordered to America and that he should embark with it in less than ten days which time was elapsed at the moment I received his letter—He added that my conduct had convinced him that if he should never return to England I would be easily consoled for his loss though he should never cease to regret mine—Wished
me every happiness that a life of dissipation could yield and bad me farewell—For ever
My mind already disturbed and agitated this cruel letter almost unhinged my reason and sunk me into the most pitiable state of dejection—My mother who was ignorant of the real cause of my disturbance apprehended some heavy disorder to be falling upon me and attended me night and day with the fondest anxiety imaginable
For some time I continued in a state of the profoundest melancholy—at length the voice of nature waked my reason—The tears and sighs of a fond parent by sympathetic force attracted mine and called forth all my gratitude—I strove to
hide my anguish even in smiles but it still preyed upon my tortured heart
The shame of having carried on a clandestine correspondence with a lover who had now so plainly cast me off prevented my revealing to my mother any circumstance of a connection which I then considered as disgraceful to me—But I flew directly to Matilda who had been my only confidant in this secret and communicated the letter to her—She received me coldly as she had done before on my former difficulty—told me that this too was but another of the common events of life—That the most constant lovers were not to be considered more than perennials but that Bath passions never lasted beyond the season—that
they were inspired by the heat of the waters and cooled as they did
What makes girls so woebegone said she upon such disappointments is the overweaning conceit they are too apt to frame of their own consequence but they must abate considerably of their romantic selfsufficience before they will find themselves in the station where nature has designed them—A toy a rattle which ten will play with for one who will think of becoming a serious purchaser
Such maxims as these whether true or false were not likely to assuage my grief and I returned home the most unhappy creature breathing—I accused Captain L— of falsehood of perjury
a thousand times alas in vain did I vow to cast him from my heart and memory for ever—Pardon thou dear departed shade these and all other injuries I have unwittingly been the sad occasion of to you
During my confinement Mr W— made the most constant and obliging inquiries about me and in the most friendly manner offered my mother a house he had near the Hotwells at Bristol with the use of his carriage servants c—As I continued in a very low and languid state even after my recovery change of air was judged necessary for me particularly as the physician who attended me apprehended my falling into a consumption
I had however a very strong objection to accepting Mr W—s obliging offer from an unwillingness to receiving farther favours from one to whom I was already too much indebted
But this difficulty was a good deal obviated by his declaring that he was engaged on a party for two months to visit Paris and during that time both his house and carriage must be entirely useless to him
At my mothers intreaty and not opposed by me Matilda consented to accompany us and I own I felt a gleam of joy at removing from a place where every object reminded me of my unhappiness I did not then reflect that I could not fly from myself and that neither happiness or misery are local
Mr W— accompanied us to Bristol and put us into possession of a very elegant house in which he left four servants to attend us at board wages—There was an ample supply of tea wine sweetmeats and every elegance which he insisted on our using as if they were our own and took his leave in the politest manner earnestly requesting that he might find us there at his return
The waters and the change of scene certainly conduced to the recovery of my health but peace and chearfulness were both estranged from my sad bosom and the only moments I enjoyed were those in which I could prevail on Matilda to listen to my griefs—I soon discovered that she grew weary of the painful office she was totally immersed in gaiety and
used oftener to rally than soothe my affliction
Under all the disadvantages which the gloomy veil of sorrow had cast arround me a Yorkshire baronet Sir James D— saw and liked me he immediately addressed himself to my mother and was by her most favourably received She was overjoyed at the prospect of what she called my happiness and spoke to me of Sir Jamess proposal with transport
This was the second outrage if I may so call it that my heart had suffered—I fell into an agony of grief and before I could recollect myself or she prevent me I vowed to heaven in the most solemn manner that I would never be Sir Jamess wife
Even at this moment Edward I behold the figure of my astonished my offended mother She had however so much reason at command as not to urge my madness farther but quitted the room with a look of indignation mingled with surprise and sorrow
In a few minutes I followed her into her chamber and found her in tears I could not bear them Edward I fell upon my knees before her implored her pardon and offered even to sacrifice myself by marrying Sir James D— rather than render her wretched
She answered with the utmost calmness I fear Maria it is out of your power to prevent my being so you are unhappy my child and I must suffer
with you—I hoped—but it is over—For be assured that after the vow you have so rashly made no power on earth should force me to consent to my childs perjury Sir James shall have his answer
But let me now inform you of a secret I wished to have concealed for ever from you—Penury and want surround us and we shall soon be given up a prey to them—We must return to Bath no more I will mortgage our little income to pay our debts in some obscure corner we must labour for our bread help to support ourselves in honest indigence and strive to humble our minds to our conditions
I do not condemn you my child—Affections are not to be forced—I flattered
myself that your youth and beauty might have obtained an advantageous match which would have been a support to me and an establishment to yourself Sir James D—s proposal was beyond my hopes but I do not wish to render you a victim for my sake nor shall this subject ever be mentioned more between us
O my brother think what I suffered while my mother spoke—I would at that moment have died a thousand deaths to have made her happy yet even then I inwardly rejoiced at being relieved from my apprehensions of marrying a man I could not love
You may suppose I uttered all that gratitude could dictate for my mothers kindness and promised for my future
life to know no will but hers—Talked of contented poverty preferred an humble lot with peace of mind to splendid misery and strove in vain to combat with her sorrows
On this occasion I not only assumed but felt a degree of chearfulness to which my heart had long been a stranger I triumphed over Captain L—s unjust suspicions in the midst of poverty I rejected an advantageous settlement and despised a title which must be bought at the expence of love
I expected Matilda would have applauded my heroism but was disappointed—She disapproved my conduct called me romantic and absurd condemned my mothers want of spirit and said that
had she been in her place she would have compelled me to marry Sir James D— and made me happy in spite of my own folly—
In about four days after this event Mr W— whom we had imagined to be in France returned to Bristol—As I was sensible of the highest gratitude towards him I confess I felt a degree of pleasure at his arrival and received him with all the marks of regard due to a friend
There was a vacant apartment in the house which he asked my mothers leave to occupy—she certainly had not a right to refuse yet I could perceive that she was vastly embarrassed by the request—The next morning she told me that she
was determined to quit Bristol immediately though she knew not where to bend her course as she did not think it proper to remain longer in Mr W—s house
As this person was near fifty years of age I had never considered him in any other light than as a father however the impropriety of living under his roof any longer struck me as soon as it was mentioned—I told her I was ready to attend her when and wherever she pleased—She burst into tears and said
Alas my child who will receive the friendless widow and her helpless orphan
At that instant Mr W— who had overheard our discourse came into the
room and taking my mothers hand said
Behold in me Madam a protector and a son who will think himself happy in making you so
The first emotion of my heart at this declaration was gratitude—Modesty alone restrained me from embracing Mr W— I cried out in an extasy
O Sir you are too good too generous how shall we ever be able to make you an amends
He instantly replied
It is in your power Madam to overpay all my services I ask no more than that fair hand can give but then your heart as well as person must be mine without the first the latter would be worthless—I will not at this moment expect your answer you are fully apprised of your
mothers sentiments and situation and you alone can tell whether you chuse or not to dry her tears
He quitted the room directly but he might have remained there and talked for an hour without hazarding any interruption from me I was absolutely petrified with horror and surprise—Before I could recover myself my mother with her eyes still streaming threw herself on her knees before me and pressing my hand to her heart said
I do not ask you my beloved child to sacrifice yourself for me—but O consider my Maria to what insults and misfortunes your innocence and youth must be exposed when you shall lose even the poor support you have in me—I know I cannot long endure distress
my death must leave you a prey to every ill to every danger You will then reflect with grief and shame on that false delicacy that actuates you now and vainly lament the loss of a fond parent whom you have suffered to sink with sorrow to the grave
I could bear no more—I fell on my knees before her I clasped her in my arms and bathed her bosom with my flowing tears while I cried out
O take me sacrifice me do what you will with me I will not be a parricide But give me time to conquer this poor heart and tear my L—s much loved image from my breast
At the name of L— my mother started up and raised me with her then
looking at me with unutterable anguish said it must not be if your heart feels a passion for another object I will much sooner die than make you wretched—But who is Mr L— and how has he deserved Marias love—Shame kept me silent but when my mother repeated her question I replied do not press me farther Madam Matilda can inform you both of my weakness and misfortune
As I wished to retire upon the instant I opened a door that led by a few steps into the garden—In my confusion I missed my footing and fell from the top to the bottom—My mother flew to my assistance but could not raise me she called for help and when Matilda and Mr W— who were in the garden lifted me from the ground I could not
stand—I was carried into the house and a surgeon sent for who acquainted them that I had dislocated my right ancle
In the midst of the pain I suffered even during the action of setting my ancle I secretly rejoiced in this accident as it must at least for some days retard an event to me more horrible than death—My heart was overflowing still with fondness for the faithless L— and I was sensible of too much respect for Mr W— to love him
The second day of my confinement my mother told me that Matilda had informed her of every particular relative to the attachment between Captain L— and me that tho she considered it as a childish and romantic affair on my side
and a mere matter of galantry on his yet her tenderness for me had made her consent to Matildas writing to him and acquainting him with every particular of my present situation and if in answer to that letter he should declare a serious and honourable passion for me she solemnly promised never to oppose my inclination but chearfully wait his return and yield her consent to our union but if on the contrary—
Stop there my dearest mother I exclaimed you have outgone my wishes for if Captain L— should hesitate a moment to receive me as his wife not only •y hand but my heart shall then be free and gratitude to the best of parents shall enable me to bestow them unreluctantly on any person whom her prudence shall select
My mother embraced me and bathed my cheeks with tears of fondness At that moment I thought myself the happiest of mortals—Matilda joined us and read the letter she had written to Captain L— I did not think that it sufficiently described either my affection or my distress but as my mother approved of it I did not presume to make any objection but only engaged her promise to add a defence of my conduct from the misapprehensions or misrepresentatations he seemed to have conceived or received before with regard to it
You know my Edward that my mother was integrity itself she could not therefore bear to be guilty of the smallest deceit and though Mr W— had not pressed for any answer to his proposal
on account of the accident that had happened to me she resolved to tell him that there was a friend in America without whose consent I was determined never to marry that this person had been written to and that he should be informed of his answer the moment it arrived
Mr W— received this information with a very ill grace but acquiesced so far as to say that he could have no doubt of this unheard of guardians consent to such an offer as his and as an answer might arrive before I was perfectly restored to my health there was no great harm in asking it but he did not suppose that we should be weak enough to refuse his alliance even though this particular friend might not approve of it
My mother though extremely disgusted at the roughness of his reply concealed the coarseness of his expression from me and I considered myself extremely obliged to him for not persecuting me any further for the present with his ungracious and unwelcome passion
Matilda was obliged to return to her house at Bath and as my mother spent most of her time in my chamber and that Mr W— was not permitted to make long visits to me on pretence of the necessity of my being kept quiet he grew weary of passing his domestic hours alone and to my very great joy set out for London
I have written so long my dear Louisa that I am scarce able to hold the pen but I could not possibly stop in this interesting narrative such I hope you will think it till I came to what may properly be called a resting place—For though we do not leave Maria happy her hopes and fears are held in equipoise and this perhaps may not be one of the least eligible situations in human life
Since I wrote to you I have had a letter from Mrs Walter my apprehensions for her life are increased by it they more than preponderate against my hopes my spirits sink with them—But I am in a gloomy mood at present I will try to shake it off Lord Hume will assist me I hear him coming up stairs—Till tomorrow farewell my loved Louisa
I Shall proceed in my task of copying like a clerk in an office without attending to any thing but the draft before me and indeed my Louisa I find it sufficiently interesting to engross all my attention—If it can exclude those pleasing sentiments which my present happiness ought and does inspire may I not reasonably hope that it will be able to suspend at least during the time of reading it that heavy weight which seems to press upon my sisters heart Yes I am persuaded that it may and under this belief I reassume the pen
The STORY of MARIA continued
In less than a month I was able to walk with a little help and most earnestly wished to quit Mr W—s house as I had reason to hope from the justification of my character which Matilda assured me she had undertaken that there would be an end of all connection between us the moment I should receive a letter from Captain L— and that an interview on such an occasion must be painful to us both
I therefore pressed my mother to try to borrow the money she wanted at Bristol and return to Bath—She complied with my request and judged it necessary to take up a larger sum on her annuity than she at first intended as either my marriage with Mr W— or my waiting Captain L—s return to England must be attended with expence
In short on such terms as the poor borrow and the rich lend she obtained two hundred pounds which I then thought an immense sum but did not consider that we owed more than half of it already including my debt to Mr W—
I am thus circumstantial with you my dear Edward that you may be perfectly able to judge of the motives which impelled me to my ruin—O would to heaven that I alone had been to suffer the so much dreaded ills of poverty I would have braved them all but a beloved and tender parent whose fondness towards me had involved her in distress It was not to be born
My mother wrote a very polite letter to Mr W— thanking him for all his
civilities and acquainting him with our return to Bath where he joined us in a few days—He brought some very handsome jewels and other presents from London for me which I absolutely refused and even felt my delicacy offended at his offering them as it seemed to hint at a certainty of my becoming his wife
As the time approached when we might expect an answer from Captain L— I counted the hours and rejoiced in their flight the anxiety of suspence was visible in my looks and words I started at every sound and minutely inquired the business of every person who rapped at the door At length the fatal moment arrived that was to change a state of fond hope into the utmost despair
Matilda came to our house one morning and requested to see my mother alone the gloom which sat on her brow announced the tidings which she brought and though scarce able to utter a syllable I cried out
I will not leave the room I know the worst already he is dead
She answered coldly no and reached a letter to me—the contents whereof were as follows—
To MATILDA
Dear Madam
Honoured as I am by the favour of your letter and happy in hearing of your health will you not think me ungrateful if I repine at your wasting so much of your time and paper in relating particulars of a person who now only lives in my memory from the bare recollection
of having sometimes seen her with you
But as all preferences are flattering I should be unpolite not to thank miss S— for an offer which I must however decline I heartily wish her happiness with Sir James D— Mr W— or whomsoever else she shall think proper to honour with her fair hand excepting Madam your
most obedient servant T L
My faculties were all suspended for several minutes after reading this insulting letter—
No sigh to rise no tear had power to flow
I felt like one that had been stunned by a severe stroke—At length recovering
myself I flung the hated paper from me and taking my mothers hand said with an effort of calmness
How poor Madam is the sacrifice that I can now make to duty—A rejected hand and heart but dispose of them as you please and do it quickly while my reason holds
My mother was more alarmed at my behaviour than she would have been had I fallen into a passion either of grief or rage—She wept abundantly for my distress and expressed every sentiment of parental fondness—her kindness would have transformed me to a Niobe at any other time but the sorrow that had then taken possession of my heart was of too powerful a nature to be softened by her tears or dissipated by my own—Twas grief unutterable
My mother kindly indulged me for several days by allowing me to keep my chamber on pretence of a sore throat—this prevented my seeing Mr W— and gave me time to reflect upon my own situation—I considered myself as an offering that was to be sacrificed and determined to support the rôle that fate had allotted me with becoming fortitude
Mr W— expressed the utmost impatience for our marriage and in about six weeks after the receipt of Captain L—s letter I was led to the altar and became the wretched wife of Mr W—
In vain did I endeavour to assume an air of chearfulness with a breaking heart unused to deceit or artifice the veil
which I put on could not conceal the gloomy tints which sorrow had engraven upon my mind I was hourly reproached by my husband with illtemper and ingratitude and my mother was accused of having drawn him into a match so much against his interest and so little conducive to his happiness
For her dear sake I exerted my utmost powers to please but they seldom met with success and I with unspeakable grief now saw that she was rendered infinitely more wretched by my marriage than she could have been in any other situation
Mr W—s estate was in Devonshire he had an old family seat there where I most earnestly wished to spend
my days in solitude and peace but as he often told me that he did not think we should make a pleasant têteatête together there he disposed of his house at Bristol and hired one at Bath from which he frequently made excursions to London or elsewhere for a month or six weeks at a time
During his absence I seldom stirred abroad unless to church to pay some visit of ceremony or to pass an hour or perhaps an evening with Matilda
From the moment I was married I had never mentioned the name of Captain L— to my mother Matilda or any other person—This was a sacrifice I thought due to my husband I would have done more had it been in my
power and banished him for ever from my thoughts
One evening while Mr W— was away I was prevailed upon by Matilda and my mother to go to the Rooms on a ballnight—I found my spirits strongly affected with a scene that reminded me of happier days and became so much absorbed in my own reflections that I scarce heard the sound of the music or observed the motion of the dancers though Matilda was among then
I was sitting on one of the benches opposite the door of the room and had continued a considerable time in my reverie when my eyes were accidentally caught by the figure of a person who was speaking to a lady that sat just before
me—My mind hesitated but my heart admitted not a doubt that it was Captain L—
Had I ever screamed out in my life I should have done so then—So unexpected a view had the same effect on me that is generally produced by thunder and lightning it dimmed my sight and gave me such a sickness in my stomach that I could not long support a sudden chilness succeeded this emotion and my head reclined insensibly on the shoulder of the lady who sat next to me
What passed while I remained in that state I know not but when my senses returned I found myself at home my mother weeping by me and Mr W— storming about the room like a madman
—not at my illness but at the cause he imputed it to—for he declared before the surgeon who had just then bled me that he had detected me in an intrigue and that on his sudden and unexpected appearance in the Rooms at the moment I was conferring with my galant the various passions of love hatred and fear had overpowered my spirits and occasioned my fainting
What an infatuated distemper is jealousy it realises chimeras and draws conclusions without premises—I was holding no conference with Captain L— he was only speaking to a person who sat before me nor did I see my husband till I opened my eyes in my own chamber However I suffered him to pour forth his whole stock of causeless abuse without
the least interruption till at length not meeting with resistance his rage was exhausted and the surgeon and he retired together
I was put into bed and determined as soon as I was left alone to tear the bandage off my arm and suffer myself to bleed to death but before I could put my resolution in practice a thousand reasons pressed forward to restrain my trembling hand—What had I done to merit death Would not the desperate deed confirm the slander of my tyrants tongue And could I leave my mother at once oppressed with her own grief and my infamy
Perhaps the love of life pleaded though silently even stronger than these
motives and withheld me from my first attempt towards guilt—Yet O forgive me Edward that I now lament I did not perpetrate the fatal deed I might have hoped for pardon of my first crime but can accumulated sins find mercy Yet if contrition may avail a wretch I still will dare to hope
Here my Louisa I must again break off my melancholy narrative as I have been so much broken in upon all day by company that I find it impossible to conclude it by this post but as the mails to Ireland are sometimes delayed by contrary winds for several days nay weeks as I am told you may possibly receive the whole story at once—I will
not therefore create a further interruption by talking on any other subject but conclude as usual
most affectionately yours F CLEVELAND
ONCE more my sister I return to the sad task of relating Marias woes I have not ventured to make any comment on her story nor do I mean to attempt it my Louisa can reason far better than I and deduce effects from their causes
The agitation of my spirits had reduced my mind to a state of the lowest weakness I wept the whole night through and when my mother eame to my bedside in the morning I was scarce able to answer her tender inquiries after my health
She told me that Mr W— was perfectly well acquainted with my former attachment to Captain L— though he had never given the most distant hint of it before—She suspected Matilda for having supplied him with this information—That by some chance he had heard of his being at Bath and came post from London directly but when he arrived at his house and heard that I was at the Rooms he flew into the most violent passion and said every thing
against me that rage and mistake could dictate
My poor mother thought to qualify his fury by assuring him that this was the first night I had gone into the Rooms since his absence—Perhaps this might have confirmed his suspicion as it looked the more like an assignation He hurried on his cloaths flew immediately to the assembly and happened unluckily it seems just to enter the door as Captain L— had walked up to the place where I sat
He construed every thing against me both appearances and surmises—
Trifles light as air
c In fine I was condemned without further examination he declared his full determination
not to live with me any longer and commanded me to set out immediately for his house in Devonshire where he would take care that I should not expose myself or dishonour him any more for the future
Surely never was reprieve more welcome to a sentenced wretch than the latter part of this discourse to me—I had languished for solitude before my husbands error had rendered me infamous and earnestly wished to fly from society before I had reason to apprehend that I should be abandoned by the world—But in my present situation both of mind and circumstance the idea of retirement nay absolute seclusion from the whole universe except my mother was doubly dear to my sad heart
I started up with all the alacrity of health and chearfulness and cried I am ready to obey Mr W— let us be gone this moment do not delay my dearest mother but let us fly for ever from this hated place this scene of all my misery
She answered with a sigh
Your husband has refused to let me go with you or be a witness of the treatment which you are too likely to receive under his tyranny—I shall behold you or your miseries no more but they will prey for ever on my heart—for I have caused them all—Your filial duty more than your own ambition was the sole motive which has rendered you a victim to this unequal match—I respected the opinions of the world more than the
philosophy of nature and the sin of the parent is now severely visited on the unoffending child
—We wept in each others bosom
The thought of being separated from this virtuous this tender parent quite overpowered me and I sunk almost senseless upon my pillow—I knew that she had not now even the means of subsistence when torn from me and I had not the least reason to expect that Mr W— would have generosity or humanity sufficient to relieve her distress or assuage her grief
During the few days I remained at Bath after this event I never stirred out of my bedchamber nor saw any creature except my dear mother and a maid
servant who had been hired upon this occasion to watch rather than attend me and was appointed as one may well suppose to be a spy upon all my actions during my exilement in Devonshire
The only favourable circumstance that I remember in this unhappy situation was that Mr W— for I will no longer stile him husband no more distressed me with his loathsome presence or his foul reproaches while I continued under his roof
Matilda never once came near me all this while but this was not the first instance that gave me reason to suspect her of insincerity and double dealing I feared she had been the sole cause of the breach between Captain L—
and me and this idea not only inspired me with my former passion for him but added a tenderness and compassion to my sentiments that rendered me infinitely more wretched than I was before the brutality of Mr W— still further strengthened my affections towards him and the state of divorce to which his violence had now reduced me dissolved that solemn and honourable tie which would otherwise have restrained the wanderings of my heart and ever preserved my duty faithful to him
It would be impossible to describe the pangs I felt when the hour arrived in which I was to be torn from a fond mothers converse—she was all the world to me at least she was all that I then thought truly loved me in the world—
We parted—and at her most earnest entreaty I promised to write to Mr W— as soon as my mind should be sufficiently composed and to enter into a proper vindication of my hitherto irreproachable conduct
More dead than alive my duenna and I arrived at my destined prison—The house was old large and gloomy extremely out of repair the furniture as antique as the building which was situated on a bleak and barren shore opposite the Irish coast—For the first ten or twelve days that I passed in this dismal mansion I was delighted with the stillness and solitude that surrounded me—the family was composed of only three maids and an old gardener and I have sometimes passed a dozen hours
without hearing any sound except the roaring of the sea the croaking of the ravens or howling of a mastiff
But when the agitation of my mind began a little to subside I grew sensible to the horrors of my situation and would have preferred a dungeon with any human creature I could converse with to the liberty of stalking through an uninhabited range of chambers in silence and solitude
Monasteries afford society and goals are not destitute of companions which are a solace even in misery but here I was both wretched and alone—I used often to consider myself as a delinquent entombed alive secluded from the universe and only conscious of existence from continued regret
I sought for amusement in books and found none that were capable of affording me any the few volumes that I met with were meant to inspire devotion but as they were written on fanatical principles they were either so ridiculously absurd as to create disgust or so extremely rigid as to induce despair
In conformity to my promise I had written to Mr W— but received no answer and what was infinitely more grievous to me I had not the happiness of hearing once from my mother or any one else though eight months had lagged with leaden steps along since the first day of my confinement
When the weather permitted I sometimes walked by the sea side and have
frequently poured forth my sorrows to the deaf unpitying waves—Often my Edward have I sighed out your name and sent forth ardent prayers for your return to comfort and support our hapless mother Yet I will own that the loved sound of L— still oftener passed my lips—Was this a crime My affections were thrown back upon my hands and this methought gave me a right to transfer them
In this situation I had remained in my exile for a tedious interval when one fine evening having indulged my reveries by the sea side longer than usual the twilight coming on warned me of returning home when I saw two men at a small distance walking slowly behind me—a sight so unusual joined to an apprehension
that they might have overheard my soliloquy put my spirits into a flutter though from their pace and manner they did not seem as if they intended to pursue me—I was seized with an universal tremor my limbs could scarce support me and I could march but slowly on
Before I was able to recover myself and mend my speed one of the persons came up to me while the other retired as if for fear of alarming me—I did not venture even to look at him and began to mend my pace but sight was useless when his well known voice uttered these words
O fear no injury from me my dear deceived unhappy and still adored Maria
Surprise terror hope fear love anger grief and joy—in short every passion of the human heart hatred alone excepted rushed through my mind and totally deprived me of the power of utterance while he—need I write his name—taking advantage of my silence proceeded thus
I have long sought this opportunity of speaking to you but my tenderness my delicacy and respect for the only woman I ever did or can love have prevented my attempting it hitherto in any way that might reflect upon the character of Mr W—s wife and by that means countenance and justify the calumny with which he has aspersed your reputation—The lucky moment I have so long watched
for in private has at length arrived and if you ever loved me my Maria you will not now refuse to hear me for a moment while I tell you that you have been most cruelly deceived
I know it Sir I replied you need not now inform me of your own perfidy—to you alone I owe the miseries I suffer and Mr W— himself is innocent when compared with you—Then let me go this moment for however my duty to him may have been dissolved by his unkindness that which I owe myself forbids my ever holding converse with you more
I attempted to break from him but he held me fast and vowed most solemnly that he would never quit me unless
I promised to meet him the next evening on the beach and allow him to exculpate himself of the infidelity I charged him with and which he then denied with the strongest asseverations adding that Matilda had betrayed us both and was the vilest being upon earth—Then promised if I would but hear him once he would never importune me more
Almost distracted with contending passions and terrified lest his imprudence might involve me in farther difficulties I promised to comply with his request provided he would leave me on the instant as I heard the sound of voices which I knew to be the servants coming in quest of me as they must necessarily be alarmed at my unusual st•y—He pressed my hand to his lips and withdrew directly
With trembling steps I pursued my way homewards and met my maid with the gardener coming in search of me—The agitation of my mind was too visible in my countenance to pass unnoticed and they naturally inquired if I had met with any fright or accident I told them that the night had fallen upon me sooner than I had expected it that I had been then alarmed at the loneliness of my situation and the haste I was obliged to make homewards had hurried my spirits a little—I desired a glass of water and pretended to retire to rest
As soon as I was left alone I began to reflect upon the extraordinariness of my adventure with Captain L— upon the strand and on my own weakness in having consented again to meet a person
who had despised and rejected me with the utmost insolence and inhumanity
It was however still easier to account for my conduct on this occasion than for his passion selflove and curiosity all conspired to render me desirous of finding a clue to that labyrinth in which I was involved But wherefore should he seek to distress me farther Or why pursue a wretch who already intirely secluded from the world had neither inclination or power to disturb his happiness or oppose his views in any scheme of life
The hints he had dropped about Matilda puzzled me still farther—Was she not the companion of my youth the friend of my heart the confidant of all
my joys and sorrows—Some instances of her levity and unkindness I did indeed recollect—But could she betray me impossible Nature could not produce so vile a monster
Or grant there could be such a fiend cloathed in a female form—Yet still why unprovoked should she exert her malice against me who never had offended her without a view to her own interest or advantage And how could she be profited by my destruction
The more I considered what Captain L— had said on this last subject the less credit it gained with me and I persuaded myself that he had only named Matilda as a lure to my curiosity—The night passed away insensibly without my being able either to form any rational
conjecture with regard to the motives of his behaviour or any resolution relative to my own—A thousand times I determined not to keep my appointment with him and as often changed my resolves
It would be endless to repeat the numless arguments for and against this meeting that my love and reason suggested and set in opposition to each other—At length my evil genius prevailed and determined me for once to hear what Captain L— could say
About six oclock in the morning I lay down on my bed in order to make my maid believe that I had slept in it as usual I had lain but a short time when I found my harrassed mind inclined
to rest and I fell into a slumber out of which I was soon awakened by a dream which affected my mind as much as a vision would have done my senses
I thought that my father stood before me under the same sickly and emaciated appearance with which that true divine conferred his last blessing on me—I threw myself on my knees and endeavoured to embrace his but with his face averse he flitted fast away—I rose and pursued him to the brink of a precipice when he turned quick upon me caught me up in his arms and plunged with me directly into the gulph
I awakened with a loud scream thought I was still falling and was for some time in doubt whether it was the reverie of a
disturbed brain or an apparition that had occurred to me and only determined it to have been the former by finding myself in the same place I had laid down to rest
I rose up and walked about the room till I had exhausted my strength endeavouring to shake off the kind of horror which had taken possession of my mind and body from this shocking dream but it clung still about me like a wintry cloud and chilled my nerves to numbness
At length towards evening I began to recover myself again—I am not superstitious besides what crime had I ever committed that might conjure up spectres from the grave My life had been
innocent though unhappy and my mind continued pure though injured and provoked
The reflections which this incident stirred up in my thoughts more particularly at this time with regard to my dear fathers goodness and virtue served principally to compose my spirits to peace—He was indeed a perfect christian both in faith and works his character and conversation were of a piece his example was precept he urged no borrowed morals but preached the very practice of his life—his doctrines were strict yet indulgent charitable though severe—his austerity was only in his maxims and his mind his mildness in his censures and his heart
These pious thoughts wrought me up to an enthusiasm of devotion I fell on my knees to thank Heaven for having been derived from two such pure sources as my father and mother and prayed most fervently that I might never be guilty of any thought or deed which should render me unworthy of such faultless originals
As the hour approached when I was to meet Captain L— the terrors of my mind increased yet I found myself so strongly impelled from the motives already mentioned joined to a curiosity to know where the blame lay between Matilda and him that I could not resist the temptation of hazarding the interview I went softly down the back stairs which led from a closet within my apartment
and found my way out unseen by any of the family
The agitation of my spirits was so violent that I scarce knew what I did I sometimes ran towards the shore as if I had been pursued by wild beasts then stopped and stood motionless as if my faculties had ceased—At length I perceived Captain L— at some distance he flew to me and caught me in his arms I burst into a passion of tears and was incapable of utterance
As soon as I could recover my speech I assumed all the dignity of resentment and told him that he was no longer to consider me as the weak tender Maria S— but as an injured and offended judge who came to hear the poor defence
which he could make for having so ungenerously wronged and so cruelly injured her
Again he pressed me to his bosom and exclaimed
O could I but repair the wrongs you have suffered as easily as I can prove I never was the author of them my loved Maria should be mine and happy—and it shall still be so—Victims of artifice and fraud shall we continue to be wretched because Matilda and your husband have concurred to render us so
That fatal name of husband I replied has fixed an everlasting bar between happiness and me but were there no such person in the world you cannot think of me so meanly to suppose that
I would condescend to accept of one who had rejected and despised me—No blandishments no arts can ever soothe my tortured mind into forgetfulness of your contempt
He then begged that I would hear him justify himself and began by informing me that about a year before my arrival at Bath he had gone there as most young people do in quest of amusement that he happened to lodge in the same house with Matilda and her husband who both sought and cultivated his acquaintance and as he had no particular attachment to any other persons there he devoted himself intirely to them was of all their parties and never absent from them
He confessed that he liked Matilda better than any woman then at Bath and
that he began to flatter himself he was not disagreeable to her from the levity of her manners he had reason to believe she was not overstrict in her morals and on her husbands being obliged to go to London for a few days she convinced him that he had not been mistaken
Their guilty commerce lasted but a short time it began without passion and of course terminated in indifference at least on his side He quitted Bath without any design of ever returning though Matilda and her husband had taken a house and determined to fix their residence there
Some months after he was attacked with a violent bilious complaint and ordered to Bath by his physicians and
was just recovering from this disorder when my mother and I happened to bend our course thither—What passed between us on our first acquaintance I have already told you except Matildas machinations to break off our intercourse and recall him to his former attachment
When she found her arts were unsuccessful she changed her battery and pretended to conceive a particular friendship for me and became our mutual confidant but at the same time from her superior regard for Captain L— used often to remonstrate to him how much his family would be offended at his marrying a girl without rank or fortune
But all these arts and insinuations he vowed had not the least manner of effect
upon his mind or heart his passion was too firmly founded on admiration and esteem to be so easily shaken and he declared that at the sad moment of our parting his whole affections and sole purpose in life were pointed towards our mutual happiness and honour together
He confessed however that during the unlucky interval of absence the hints and representations of Matilda had wrought by degrees the malicious effect intended by them for she had framed a novel → against me with so much address and ingenuity so guarded at all points that each part of it seemed to vouch the truth of the rest
Even the indiscretion of my having been led into play by her own artifice
she most wickedly represented to him as a vice of mine and reported the circumstances of my debt to Mr W— which she also exaggerated with such reflections as placed me in the shocking light of a girl who was resolved to make the most of her youth and beauty without any further regard to morals or character
In fine he acknowledged that the plausible manner in which she gave him these advices from time to time with the tender and compassionate expressions she affected now and then to let drop upon the unhappiness of my conduct had at length so intirely injured me in his esteem that it occasioned his writing me the letter before mentioned when he was going to set sail for America
What a recital was this for me to listen to in my then unfortunate circumstances his justification but increased my misery—I had never imagined there was so much vileness in human nature as the base Matilda appeared now to be capable of and was shocked to think that I was of the same species with such a monster in wickedness—I wept—We both of us wept while he thus went on with his story
When I quitted Europe continued he the poison of Matildas correspondence ceased its operations my passion and reflection had liberty to exert themselves and I began to doubt the authenticity of the extraordinary accounts I had received about you—Your bloom
and beauty presented themselves to my fond imagination in the warmest colours—Your candour innocence and ingenuousness of manners occurred then strongly to my mind—Could such a character become so quickly abandoned said I to my heart—It must be unnatural and what is contrary to nature must be improbable at least if not impossible
Thus did I often plead your cause my ever loved Maria against the foul charges of your enemy whom I unhappily however did not look upon then in that light but merely as an unfortunate woman who having been guilty of vice herself was as too generally is the case apt to construe every action of others into the worst
sense that the appearances or circumstances of it can bear
Upon this fair discussion of the point I wrote once more to Matilda expressing my doubts not of her sincerity but about her misapprehensions only of your conduct—Said that general charges suspicions and hearsays were but insufficient evidences where so choice a jewel as character was at stake and called upon her for some facts of more public notoriety to support her slanders
As all correspondence had been broken off between you and me said he she ventured now to speak out more boldly and without the least equivocation in her terms assured me
that you lived publicly with Mr W— and privately intrigued with Sir James D— that the extravagance of your dress pleasures and other expences was supported between them that you had kept them both attached to you by raising a spirit of rivalship between them and used also to render each of the galants jealous in their turns by alarming them with me
With the letter she wrote as she said by your desire from Bristol she sent me another in which she told me that you had at length brought Mr W— to consent to marry you on account of your being with child and that the letter was framed with a view either of duping me into a marriage which she believed you would
prefer or of paying Mr W— the compliment of sacrificing me to him if I should return a favourable answer
There is no describing the height of resentment to which I was affected upon this occasion and I should have replied to the proposal in the most outrageous terms imaginable if my love and fondness for you which still remained though my esteem was flown had not restrained my hand and dictated those cool but not violent lines I sent her in answer
He told me that when he returned to England upon his fathers illness he felt himself impelled by a strong desire of seeking some proper opportunity of reproaching me for my infidelity and of
covering me with the utmost confusion by expressing the detestation and contempt that even a man and a soldier was capable of conceiving at the breach of honour or virtue in a woman that he loved
He mentioned this purpose he said in a letter to Matilda and she most strenuously opposed it she told him that such a sentiment was no good sign of a recovery from his infatuated passion for she feared much that
All the malice of his heart was love
That this would be but affording me the triumph of thinking him still my slave and might put it in my power to involve him perhaps in a duel with Mr W— whom she represented as extremely jealous from very conscious reasons if as
it was more than probable I should be willing to exchange my weddinggarment for a widows weed
However all these arguments not being sufficient to deter him from coming to Bath he wrote her word that he would be there on such a day and has had reason to suppose since that she must have advised Mr W— of this particular by his coming so critically from London on the same day and meeting him in the Rooms that fatal night which I have before mentioned to you
I need not now my dear brother recapitulate what passed in consequence of this vile womans malice you have hitherto seen me the innocent victim of her cruelty—Too happy should I now deem myself had I still remained so
My fainting in the Rooms at the sight of Captain L— awakened his former tenderness for me and the inhumanity with which Mr W— treated me on that occasion for the surgeon had made the story public seemed to demand his pity for a wretch doomed to be punished for an involuntary and guiltless act
He would have gone in person the next morning to Mr W— in order to have justified my character as far as it related to the scandal then cast upon it with regard to him but was restrained from the attempt by Matildas saying that this would only make the matter worse in all probability that the interfering between man and wife was a dangerous measure in any person whatsoever
but that the lover the very cause of the contention must certainly be the most improper mediator in their reconcilement that could possibly be imagined
She therefore advised him to wait with patience till passion on the husbands part might become calm enough to listen to reason and that resentment peculiarly natural to a wife suspected in the wrong place this was her expression should have somewhat subsided and then promised him to undertake the interposition herself at the proper crisis probably to better effect than it could be engaged in even by her during the present violence of the parties
He stayed at Bath while I remained there and suffered an anxiety which increased
more and more every day a• by mixing with the company at th• Rooms but more particularly with th• residents of the place among whom m• late adventure was publicly talked o• he heard every one take my part an• vindicate my innocence from their former knowledge and general good opinion of my character and conduct eve• since I had first become an inhabitan• of that city
In fine he heard it agreed upon o• all sides that Mr W— could have n• other foundation for his jealousy of m• except that sort of suspicion which is naturally apt to arise from too great a di•parity in years especially in the breast o• a man who had had but little acquain•ance with any women except those of • profligate character
These fair reports in my favour he said began soon to convince him of Matildas treachery and he reproached her with it warmly one day when with the greatest sang froid imaginable she answered him in these very words
There is no such thing as eleemosynary wisdom in this life let philosophers and pedagogues say what they will—experience must be purchased at our own proper cost and not at the expence of others—From this warning you will be taught sufficient sense to know for the future that to make a woman the confidant of her rival is appointing a wolf to be the shepherd of a lamb—I forget whether this maxim be taken notice of in Ovids Art of Love if not his precepts are imperfect
He assured me that on this reply his sight and reason forsook him for a time and only returned to enable him to view the hag as she then appeared to him with the greater horror and to possess him with a rage that fell but little short of madness
What would I have given at that instant cried he out to have exchanged her sex into a dozen armed men
and then concluded the sentence with this expression—
But I could not exert such resentment against her as she deserved because she was in my power
He did every thing he could to find out the place of my banishment but could not discover it—He did not know of my being moved from Bath till after I had been sent away or he would have
employed some trusty person or other to have watched me to the place of my destination—The surmises were various upon this occasion some said I was to be carried over to France and forced into a convent some that I was to be locked up in Mr W—s house in London and others that I was to be betrayed into a private madhouse and confined there for life
During the uncertainty of all these several reports Captain L— received an account of his fathers illness and immediately repaired to London to attend on him His filial duty claimed his first regard and the exercise of that virtue served to restrain his impatience and ballance his anxiety on my account for several months while Sir Richard L— lingered before his death
Captain L— now become Sir Thomas L— with a large patrimony being at length released from any further restraint upon his time and actions began to turn his whole thoughts towards the unhappiness of my situation and considered himself bound not as a knighterrant merely but as a man of honour to rescue me from that distress which he had been the innocent cause of through the treachery of one person and the too hasty sentence and unwarrantable severity of another—He returned immediately to Bath in order to get what information he could about me and hearing that my dear mother had retired to a village in Flintshire took the resolution of going to wait upon her there
As soon as he had informed her who he was she began to reproach him in the manner it was natural for her to have done from the circumstances of his conduct towards me in the light it had hitherto appeared to her But when he had disclosed the scene of villainy and deceit to which he had likewise fallen a victim her affections softened and she could not help looking upon him then as a third sufferer in our complicated misfortune
He contrived artfully to draw from her the secret of my abode but without suffering the least hint to escape him of any purpose to seek me there Then taking her hand and kneeling before her vowed an attachment to me during life said he would ever pay her the
respect and duty of a soninlaw attending till death or some more speedy vengeance might remove Mr W— out of the way of his happiness and offered her an affluent support out of his fortune becoming the honourable connection which he had then declared between them
My dear unhappy mother returned him the most grateful thanks for the kindness and generosity of his offer but her spirit and delicacy made her decline the acceptance of it She confessed herself alarmed even at his visit and urged him to depart instantly without suffering himself to be known lest this circumstance though accidental and innocent in itself might possibly in the train of our misfortunes happen to be
made an additional article of suspicion against us all She plained the distress and difficulty of our situations—They embraced and he retired immediately out of the town
On his route to Devonshire Bath lay in his way where he happened to meet with Captain R— who had been an officer in the same corps with him in America There had always subsisted a particular intimacy between them and as friendship is apt to inspire a confidence and that his heart was full he imparted the whole secret of our loves and disappointments to him
He also informed him at the same time of his resolve to go and conceal himself somewhere near the place of my retirement
till he might meet with a favourable opportunity without hazard to my reputation of seeing me even for a minute in order to vindicate himself from the unjust opinion I must necessarily have conceived of his infidelity and baseness declaring also that he thought it a duty incumbent on him to watch over my destiny and at the expence of his fortune and the sacrifice of his life to defend me from any injury or violence that might ever be attempted against me
Captain R— approved his motives and commended his purpose and said that as it was a service of danger he had a right to claim the privilege of a friend and a comrade in sharing it with him—Sir Thomas readily accepted of his company and they set out the next
morning for Hartland which is within a mile of the castle where I resided They were attended only by two servants and a couple of pointers on pretence of going into that country merely as unconnected idle travelling sportsmen
Sir Thomas did not acquaint his friend with my name nor where I was concealed and used every morning and evening to wander alone round the place of my confinement in hopes of seeing me as I should walk abroad and of speaking to me unobserved which after about a fortnights attendance he happened to meet with
In this sweet but dangerous converse did we pass the minute for to us it appeared no more of our assignation and
now judge me Edward with your wonted candor nor blame this foolish heart if every tender every fond sensation it had ever felt returned with double force Remember that I had never loved another and that I still loved him even when I thought him false What must my transports be to find him true
When in my turn I told him the inhuman arts that had been practised to betray me and estrange our mutual confidence his passions rose almost to madness and he a thousand times exclaimed that I was still his wife that our hearts were joined by heaven and that no power on earth should ever part us more
Too eagerly I listened to his ravings and suffered the enchantment of his voice
to lull asleep my prudence and my reason—I felt as if there were but us alone of all our species existing in this world and all other connection obligation or regard appeared to me then but metaphysical speculation—Our sad attention to each others woes had so intirely engrossed our thoughts that night stole on us almost unperceived tears had quite dimmed my sight and my weak trembling limbs needed assistance to support my weight—I could not then refuse his kind sustaining arm to help me on toward the mansion of my sorrows the dungeon of my misery
While we were on our way a sudden storm arose and the clouds burst forth in horrid thunder and lightning By the time we had come within sight of the
backdoor through which I had that evening stolen out a violent shower came on which obliged me to hasten my speed—I intreated him to leave me but he held me fast by the arm till we came to the house which he entered along with me
Here drop the curtain Edward and let this first false step of my whole life stand as a mark for the innocent and unwary to shun—Let them restrain the first encroachments of a favoured lover nor vainly fancy when once they yield the reins that they can after check the ardent coursers speed
Till that unhappy night guilt was a stranger to my suffering heart and therefore I had never known remorse or fear—It was impossible to soothe my tortured soul to peace—The fond delusion of his prior right both to my person and my heart—My former arguments of dissolved tie and transferred •ffections appeared all but selfdeceit in my present circumstances the wretched sophistry vanished like a phantom from me and in its room the priest the altar all the awful scene where I had bound myself by solemn vows to be anothers wife now rushed upon me and in the anguish of my heart I bitterly exclaimed against him as the prime source of all my misery and bad him fly for ever from my sight
Sir Thomas said every thing that honour could dictate or love inspire to temper my emotions of grief and rage threw himself at my feet intreated my forgiveness called me his wife his betrothed before heaven vowed eternal faith and constancy to me and offered to fly with me to any part of the globe At length seeing that nothing could calm my distraction he started up laid his hand to his sword and declared that he would instantly put an end to that existence which my resentment had now rendered miserable to him
His violence suspended for a time my agitations by adding terror to my other feelings—I caught hold of his arm and now became a suppliant in my turn begging that he would not further injure
me by such an horrid outrage and promising to compose my mind by penitence and prayer as soon as I was left alone but upon this condition only that he should never attempt to see me again till it was possible for us to meet for life without a crime We parted mutually wretched in agony and despair
The horror with which I was seized the moment he had quitted me is not to be conceived without guilt I lost that firmness now which had hitherto born up my spirits under all my sufferings Purity the only resource in affliction was now fled for ever from my breast—I felt the full weight of all my ills and what appeared before oppression on my innocence seemed now but justice on my crime I rejoiced I had
no sister I thought of you my brother of my dear mother too and with a shower of tears took leave of these fond names for ever
I stood in life alone severed from all connection The sustaining hope of being again restored to honour and society like the fair fruit that sprang in Pandaemonium now turned to bitter ashes What had I further to do with the world Alas I had already forfeited all protection My last nights dream—say rather vision—stared me full in the face and upbraided me with the recollection of a maxim I had often heard my parent saint deliver that
we should ever consider those persons we had a respect for as present when absent and as living when dead
I kneeled down and
strove to pray but could not I felt myself in a state of reprobation and was almost fallen into despair—I had no stay no support no resource in store—In all the other ills of life heaven suffers us not to be afflicted beyond our strength but wretchedness with guilt exceeds the scheme of Providence
I then endeavoured to rise but was not able to stand—my exhausted spirits failed me and I sunk down again upon the floor where I continued some time in a state of stupidity till my maids opening the door of the antechamber warned me to disguise my disturbance—I concealed my distraction as well as I could by keeping my face turned from her as much as possible and for the first time felt what an irksome thing it is to have any thing to hide
The storm continued all the night with extreme violence but the thunder and lightning did not alarm me as they had done on the evening before—I had now a louder monitor in my breast than the one and with what open arms and welcome greetings should I then have embraced the other
How long Sir Thomas staid at Hartland I cannot tell for I never ventured abroad from that time even to take a walk in the gardens and he behaved with so much honour as to obey my last injunction to him by not seeking any further opportunity as far as I could learn of seeing me again or even of attempting to write a line to me lest it might as it certainly would have been intercepted So that I began soon to reconcile
myself to my present situation by making that solitude and confinement a voluntary penance which I had hitherto looked upon as the severest infliction considering it but as a convent within the sequestered walls of which I should then most assuredly have concealed myself from the world had I been at liberty to have chosen my situation
I conformed myself intirely to a true monastic state for a time by spending my days in fasts in contrition and in prayer hoping that my sorrows would ere long have ended with my life but I was alas too soon convinced that fate had not yet emptied all its quiver against me for I had the inexpressible shock to find that I was likely to bring an innocent being into the world at once to prove and share my infamy
I shall not attempt to describe the agonies of my mind upon this discovery—I must live to have endeavoured still to solicit that death which my despair had tempted me to wish so ardently for before while it related only to myself would have been a double guilt in my present circumstances—I must therefore submit to become more miserable in order to render myself less criminal
In such a miserable and forlorn situation what measure was left me to pursue There was indeed but one and let the fatal necessity of it plead my excuse—I had refused to fly with Sir Thomas when he begged it on his knees I could not yield deliberate consent to vice or think of delivering myself
over to a life of profligacy But I must now temporize with guilt—I must now extricate myself from my present difficulty shame and danger at any expence though with a determined purpose to cover my head immediately after in some severe convent there to endure the harshest penances and hide me from the world for ever
In the confusion and distraction I was in at that time I could not frame any certain scheme for my relief besides that point depended on the concurrence of another I therefore wrote a letter to Sir Thomas entreating the favour of him to come to me directly upon a business of consequence to us both and in which something more than my own life was the object of my anxiety
I did not know where Sir Thomas then was but ventured to direct it to him according to my former address from Bath to his fathers house in Bloomsbury square
But when I had sealed this billet a new difficulty occured to me how I could possibly get it conveyed to him—All connection between me and the world had been cut off from the moment of my commitment My duenna had at first refused to let a letter from me even to my mother be carried to the post and told me frankly then that any directed to me were ordered to be returned from thence unopened to Mr W—
The danger pressed and some attempt must be hazarded I recollected
that there was a labourer who generally worked in the garden and appeared to be a person of rational intelligence I therefore went out to him and gave the letter into his hands with a bribe of five guineas which fee I promised to double for him on his return with an answer and hinted to him all proper cautions with regard to the secrecy of his commission
I instructed the messenger to make some pretence or other of private business for absenting himself from his service and desired him not to attempt to deliver the answer of my letter to me till he should meet me alone in the garden—I had a full view of it from the windows of my apartment and watched with the utmost impatience for his appearance
again from the moment that I thought it possible for him to have returned How much did I envy during this anxious interval the infinitely preferable state of the meanest peasant I heard whistling carelessly across the demesne who enjoyed peace and competence without a consciousness of guilt or the fear of detection
At length I had the satisfaction to see my courier arrive and waiting till I perceived the coast clear I stole out to him and had the pleasure to receive a letter from Sir Thomas filled with the tenderest professions of love and the fullest assurances of honour He promised to be with me that very evening just at night fall and desired I would meet him at the end of the grove near the house
I was punctual to time and place and found him also exact to his appointment
He was full of transport at the sight of me but I was not in a fit disposition of mind to attend to his extasies—I begged he would compose himself while I looked about through every avenue to see that no prying eye was near to observe our motions then led him with fearful hands and trembling steps into the house and we retired up stairs together to my apartment
As I had not used myself to eat suppers ever since my confinement in this place I always dismissed my attendant as soon as she had left candles lighted on my table chusing to sit up alone most part of the nights employed
in reading musing and working so that I was under no sort of apprehension of being at any time interrupted in my privacy
As soon as we had got into the room Sir Thomas attempted to catch me in his arms but I started from his embrace—I told him that we were neither of us in time place or circumstances to admit of unwarrantable liberties that I had desired this meeting to implore the assistance of his friendship and honour only not to receive his love the least overture of which as I had declared to him before I was firmly resolved to oppose till such a time if ever that happy aera should arrive as might intitle him to ask and me to grant the unreserved completion of his
wishes—With true humanity and generous acquiescence he immediately desisted from all further importunity
As he guessed the situation I was in from the hint in my letter and therefore concluded what the purport of my summons tended to he had the tenderness and politeness not to wait for any further explanation of the matter but immediately proposed to me that we should directly abscond together to some distant part of the kingdom from whence we might sail over to the continent and there secrete ourselves for life in some retired spot safe from pursuit or inquiry adding that he should not look upon this retreat to be an exile to himself as he might well be said to carry his country along with him while he
was in possession of all he loved or valued in it
I had no other resource left me now and the choice is soon made where there remains but one option—I rendered the most grateful acknowledgments to him for the generosity of his offer which I readily accepted of told him that I from that moment resigned my fate into his hands and that he should thenceforward be the sole arbiter of my destiny accountable to himself alone for all my future weal or woe—He kneeled took my hand kissed and bathed it with his tears
You do not I hope my dear brother imagine me so devoid of sensibility as not to suppose that I then felt the disgrace
which my misconduct must entail upon an honoured parent nor were you absent Edward from my thoughts But let me say this in my excuse that I then flattered myself my flight or rather the motives for it might remain for ever secret and that living in a foreign land under a feigned name my person might possibly never be dis•overed—and in that case those dear connections could be as little involved in my reproach as they were concerned in my guilt
Here end all the reflections I shall ever make—The following part of my unhappy story while I relate it harrows up my soul congeals my faculties and impels me to wild distraction or to reprobate despair
When we had thus settled the article of our flight together we agreed further upon the manner and circumstances of it Sir Thomas was to retire immediately to his inn before my garrison should be shut up for the night and send off an express to Exeter for a postchaise with relays of horses to be ready the next evening at the further end of the grove where I promised to meet him at the close of day from thence to launch into a world unknown without a matron without a guardian—for I had lost my innocence
Just as I was rising up to convey him out of the house I heard some hasty steps passing through the antechamber the door of my room was suddenly burst open and I saw Mr W— enter with
a pistol in each hand Sir Thomas laid hold of his sword but before he could draw it received a bullet in his breast—He fell—and do I survive to tell it I heard his last groan and saw him exp•… at my feet—I heard nor saw no more bu• falling senseless on his lifeless bosom was for a while released from agonies too great 〈…〉
But my miseries were not so soon to have an end I was dragged back again to life by the still cruel hands of Mr W— who assisted my maid to raise me from the floor and lay me on the bed—The first use I made of my returning sense was to rise upon my knees and with uplifted hands implore his mercy to terminate my misfortunes and my life together—He looked as if he
would do so but turning from me cried
No thou shalt be reserved for more exemplary vengeance
and walked immediately out of the room taking the maid along with him but leaving the discharged pistol by me on the bed
With my reason my ho•… returned—Let compassion but reflect on my situation Barbarity itself must soften into humanity at the thought—Loaded with infamy encompassed with misery entombed as it were alive with the dead and gazing horribly without the relief even of tears on the sad victim of my illstarred destiny At length frantic with grief with terror and despair unknowing what I did and without any purposed end I rushed down the backstaris and issued through the private door from that accursed mansion
Fear gave wings to my speed yet at the same time retarded my flight for though I ran as fast as it was possible I frequently stopped for several minutes to listen to every sound I heard and sometimes clambered over high ditches and laid myself flat on the ground to prevent my being seen in case I was pursued though the night was so dark that I could almost feel an object before I saw it
My haste was urged by instinct merely determined to no point but like a frightened animal I fled from danger without direction in my course—My mind was all the while in the state of a dream—I knew of no asylum I could frame no purpose—At length exhausted by fatigue and oppressed with sorrow
I sat myself down in the corner of a field surrounded by a little coppice just high enough to conceal me from the view of passengers—Here nature till now restrained still active for its own relief began to release the utterances of grief and at the very moment that I felt my heart going to burst asunder my tears broke forth and I found myself at libery to express my sufferings in moanings and exclamations
This gave me ease at first and I therefore indulged it for a while till I began to apprehend towards day that the loudness of my complaints might possibly reach the ear of some traveller or villager and betray the situation of my concealment and the particular circumstances of my story—But yet I could
not silence my cries and lamentations I became desperate of all human succour and thought that even the hands of cruelty might relieve me from the effects of my own distraction by putting an end to my life without any additional guilt of mine
At length my voice was heard and answered by one who came rustling through the coppice and in a soft slender tone cried out Where are you who are you and what ails you The sound at first alarmed me till I was struck with the appearance of a beautiful boy of about seven years old at a little distance who as soon as he spied me came running up and told me that his mamma had been awakened in bed with my cries had rung her bell and ordered her servant
to go seek the person in grief but that he got out of the house before him was glad he had sound me first and begged I would go home along with him directly out of that nasty cold place to make his mammas mind easy
The prettiness of the childs person with the goodnatured impatience and anxiety it expressed about my situation charmed me in that instant of distress and woe till he came up close to me when I felt a sudden shock at the sight of him—He seemed to be a son of Mr W—s he had every feature of his face—I started and trembled—however I soon recovered myself concluding that such an idea must be owing merely to the strong impression which his countenance had made on my mind at our
last interview and which a terrified immagination might possibly have transferred a likeness of to any object viewed in the uncertain light of a just opening dawn—I therefore embraced the lovely child and walked away with him leaning on the servants arm who was then come up to a neat cottage which was but a few yards from the spot I had been found in
I was received at the door of the house by a lady of a genteeler appearance than one could naturally expect to have met with under so mean a roof who with a voice of sweetness welcomed me to what hospitality her circumstances could afford and taking me by the hand led me into her best apartment—I sat down on the first chair I could reach
and begged for a glass of water to prevent my fainting which I apprehended from my feelings might probably soon happen
The room we were in was soon lighted up with fire and candles the blaze of which offended my tender sight already dimmed by the darkness of the foregoing night and weakened by my tears which prevented me from being able to view objects distinctly enough at first but when the agitation of my spirits had been somewhat abated and that my eyes had recovered their strength a little I perceived the lady to be a person of about four and twenty years of age and extremely handsome but seeming much impaired in her appearance by grief or sickness
Here I began to shudder again for the resemblance between her and Mr W— struck me more forcibly than it had done before in the child—There could be no equivocation in this instance—her features marked the likeness stronger and the clear light I had then an opportunity of viewing her by put the similitude beyond a doubt—This mystery alarmed me—I feared I had fallen into dangerous hands but it would have been doubly improper to have asked for a solution of this riddle on account either of the seeming to pry into her secret or the hazard of betraying my own
I therefore concealed my surprise though I could not avoid shewing my uneasiness which she perceiving but
without suspecting the cause and imputing solely to my misfortunes and fatigue which she seemed to think were sufferings I had not been much accustomed to intreated me to repose myself on the bed that was in the chamber as long as I pleased without fear of interruption till I should be inclined to accept of any other kind of comfort or refreshment that might be within the compass of her poor means to afford me
The voice of kindness to an oppressed heart at once soothes and gives vent to its sufferings I answered only with my tears she rose and taking her child by the hand said that she was too well acquainted with sorrow to attempt to restrain its course or think it capable of any other relief than time and prayer
adding that I need be under no manner of apprehension that any curiosity of hers should prompt her to inquire into my story as the measure of her own misfortunes was too full already to admit the addition of anothers grief without the power of alleviating it She retired immediately without waiting for a reply
Being now sheltered from all outward ills and violences the distraction of my mind began to feel itself under the less controul despair and phrenzy now triumphed over my reason and religion I looked about for some instrument of destruction to put an end to my miserable existence and snatching at a sword that hung unsheathed over the chimney I had just set the hilt of it to the ground
〈1
〈1
when my guardian hostess attentive to my motions running into the room to see what had occasioned my disturbance had just time enough to strike the point aside so that I fell unhurt upon the floor—
O stop the hand of rashness she exclaimed nor dare to limit mercy He who severely tries as amply can reward the patient sufferer let thy proud heart bow to his high decrees and learn to bear thy burthen with submission
While thus she spoke I gazed upon her with a silent awe and thought her more than human—She raised me from the ground with looks of tenderness and thus proceeded—
That sorrow has
beset and has subdued you I can well perceive—Alas what is your strength or mine opposed to its rude grasp But wherefore then should we rely upon ourselves when offered aid bends from high heaven for our acceptance and bids our weak humanity be strong in its almighty power
I sunk again upon my knees before her and cried out
I have no hope in heaven or earth Thou messenger of grace thy proffered aid is vain I am an outcast from society nor would even your charity extend itself to such a wretch as me were you to know my crimes
I will not hear them then she answered quick but sure there is no guilt except
despair that may not hope for pardon—Remove that gloomy vice from your sad heart and penitence shall heal the wounds of your offenc• and bid your bleeding bosom be at peace
By slow degrees this more than woman this heaveninstructed comforter calmed my distracted soul and reasoned down my frenzy—I passed my word to her not to attempt my life and I have kept it have waited till the lingering though sure bane of human health unceasing sorrow shall release my promise and lay me gently in the silent grave
As soon as my mind had become somewhat more composed I began to reflect upon the circumstances of my late misfortune
—I thought with horror on the impiety 〈◊〉 neglecting a duty toward the manes of the unhappy sacrifice of my wayward destiny I felt like an accomplice in the guilt if I should not endeavour to rescue the remains of that dear and unfortunate object from the still continued barbarity of his murderer and attempt to procure it the rites of christian at least of human sepulture
The idea that first occured to me upon this occasion was to fly off directly to the inn at Hart•…nd to Captain R— for Sir Thomas had told me that his friend and confident had accompanied him now as before—and to have acqu•inted him with the fatal catastrophé of my story—But how to appear before a
stranger or indeed any person whatsoever under the sensation of •onscious guilt and public infamy Besides mig•… I not happen to be detected there and possibly have involved a third person in my complicated misfortune However I contrived to qualify these scruples by the subterfuge of writing a note to him containing only these few words
Your friend is alas no more he lies murdered at Castle W— I do not mean by this notice to call even for justice against his assassin but only hope that your humanity and friendship may be able to defend his hapless corse from any further indignity or outrage
To this billet I did not subscribe any name but got my kind hostess to send
it off immediately to the inn by one of the villagers who was instructed not to say from whence he came nor to await an answer
This most excellent woman so far from desiring to dive into the secret of my distress made it a point rather that I should not reveal it whenever she heard me begin to mourn but in order as she said to convince me that mine was not a partial lot and that she had herself severely tasted of the bitter cup she would relate some of those very uncommon misfortunes which had attended her through life and which might perhaps in some measure reconcile me to my own
But first she insisted that I should endeavour to recruit my strength and
spirits with food and rest as the preserving the proper temperament of the body was certainly one requisite towards restoring the health of the mind—I accepted her hospitality and breakfasted on tea but could not eat—She did not press me—She was reasonable in all things entreaty in my situation would have but added to my fatigue and increased my disgust She thought that sleep might for a time better supply the place of food she therefore obliged me to undress myself and go into bed where after having closed the windows as it was now full day and removed every implement of mischief out of the room she left me to repose myself—if possible
I did what I could for that purpose—I owed that duty to the infant yet unborn
and was solicitous to preserve that part of myself at least that was innocent But my sorrows kept me long awake till nature taking advantage of my weakness at length delivered my body over to sleep though without composing my mind for my disturbed imagination pursued me still throughout my slumber presenting visions of slaughter gibbets and executions to my tortured fancy all the while which instead of yielding me any manner of refreshment by frequent starts awoke me adding the pains of labour to my other ills which brought on a miscarriage towards the evening
My humane hostess attended on me with the kindness and tenderness of a sister supplied me with cordials kept every thing quiet about me and would
sit up all night by my bedside notwithstanding every opposition I could make to it The next morning she prevailed on me to take some sustenance after which I claimed her promise of letting me into the history of her life which however I did not do to satisfy an idle curiosity but thought that the circumstances of her recital might perhaps amuse my mind from too fixed an attention to my own sorrows and that the gentle murmurs of her voice with the monotony of narrative might possibly have conduced to slumber
But judge of my amazement when she began by telling me that she was the daughter the only child of Mr W— I was near betraying myself—I could not conceal my surprise but cried out
It
is impossible you cannot be his offspring
She calmly answered
You know him then
and without inquiring further thus proceeded
But as the unhappy Maria is come now to a pause in her misfortunes let us my dear sister take this opportunity of resting a little ourselves after the fatigue and horror of her story before we enter upon an other I confess that when I came to this part of it I rejoiced to think she was dead my humanity felt less from the reflection that her sufferings were at an end As we are affected more by the distress we see than by what we only hear of so is our compassion always
stronger for the living sorrow than the dead one—Yet one must still weep for Hecuba
The wind is become fair for this narrative but my anxiety has been increased at not hearing from you before it changed
Adieu
THE following episode of the fair Cottager though short will be some relief to us both before we proceed to the catastrophe of the main action and conclude the History of the unfortunate Maria whose peculiar fate suffered
not her indignities to terminate with her life but afterwards delivered over her corse into the clutches of the brute Colville to be carried in the procession of a mock funeral at Amiens
The STORY of Mrs N—
My mother was the only child of Captain H— a younger brother of a distinguished family her ill fortune brought her acquainted very young with Mr W— while he was a student at Oxford and under age—They saw liked and wedded without the consent of parents on either side—Captain H— was afterwards made acquainted with the marriage but died before my other grandfather from whom it was thought prudent to keep it still a secret as my dear mother inherited but a very inconsiderable
portion This was made a pretence for keeping their union concealed during the life of his father and my mother who tenderly loved her husband consented to let their connection still wear the veil of mystery rather than injure his interest or offend his father
The doubtfulness of her situation by degrees detached her own friends intirely from her and for some years before the death of his father she lived in perfect solitude hardly ever seeing any person but her husband and me her only child who were the sole objects of her care and affection
I was about seven years old when my grandfather W— died and I am
persuaded that if my mother felt any joy upon that occasion it was for my sake only as she wished to have my legitimacy acknowledged and my education properly attended to—A long habit of retirement had weaned her from the world and though of an age to relish all its pleasures being then but four and twenty she thought of returning into it rather with disgust than delight
Upon various pretences my father declined owning his marriage for about two years and the gentleness of my mothers temper prevented her from importuning him on this or any subject but when so long an interval had elapsed since his fathers death and that she perceived a visible alteration in his behaviour
towards her she with the utmost mildness expressed her wishes to live with him publicly as his wife—He strove for near a year more to evade her request but when her apprehensions began to be alarmed by his conduct and that she ventured so far as to press him on the subject he slew into a rage and utterly denied his having ever been married to her
Tears and prayers were all the weapons with with she attempted to assert her rights—They had alas no power on his obdurate heart—Grief preyed upon her tender frame and when I had just entered my tenth year she fell into a consumption—she was sensible of her approaching fate and though she had remitted her own claim to my fathers
rank or fortune she determined not to leave me in the power of a man who had abandoned her to unmerited infamy but immediately to set about proving her marriage and by that means entitling me both to his name and a proper provision from his fortune
She soon found out that Doctor N— the clergyman who had married her lived in the parish of — in this shire and that my grandfather old Mr W— had presented him to that living which was incumbent on some part of my fathers estate—She took me with her and set out immediately for his house which expedition she could easily make without her husbands knowledge as they had seldom lived under the same roof together for some time past
It is impossible to express this worthy mans surprise at the sight of my mother and me as my father had informed him that she was dead above three years before left no child and earnestly requested him never to mention his having been married to her as it could answer no end to her then would certainly disoblige some of his relations through whose assistance he said he had conceived reasonable hopes of strengthening his interest in the shire and of improving his fortune
As soon as my mother had acquainted him with her story the good old man promised her to pay a visit the next day to my father who had been his pupil at the university and endeavour to influence him by gentle means to
do her the justice he owed her rather than reduce her to the irksome necessity of exposing him and herself by an appeal to some higher and more legal tribunal assuring her at the same time that if his mediation should not be attended with that success which he wished and had reason to expect from it he would no longer hesitate a moment about proving the marriage through all the forms of law
My dear unhappy mother wept and thanked him and the doctor according to his promise proceeded the next day to Castle W— which is about ten miles from this village being the mansion seat where my father then resided It happened that he was from home at the time the doctor went to his house
and in the fullness of his zeal he wrote him an admonitory letter upon this interesting subject and returned much disappointed at not having seen him
In a few days after this event my father came to doctor N—s and endeavoured to make my mothers mind easy upon the equivocal appearances of his conduct towards her imputing it all to the prudential reasons he had before mentioned to the doctor in which he said that the future welfare of herself and family were equally interested adding that their living together in England could not be long concealed but that he was ready to retire with her to any part of Flanders upon pretence of his going to travel for a few years till the schemes he had in agitation might be
brought to bear when they might return home again and enjoy the remainder of their lives in happiness and honour together
My dear mother as was natural to an unsuspecting and ingenuous mind was fondly amused with this artifice and wept with transport at his mock professions the doctor too blessed his pupil with tears of joy and my father returned back to Castle W— the next day in order to prepare every thing necessary towards our departure for the continent without any further delay
But this delusion did not long continue for the morning after he had left us Mr N— a young ensign and nephew to Doctor N— happened to
come from Exeter where he was then stationed to pay a visit to his uncle and among other articles of news told him that his landlord and patron as he stiled my father was soon to be married to a young lady of family and fortune in the city he came from and that he supposed the doctor would be then called upon to perform the ceremony
The young man had never heard any thing of our story and only mentioned this particular among some other indifferent circumstances of the time—His uncle did not open his mind to him upon the subject but retired immediately to my mothers apartment who happened luckily not to be by when this matter was related and after endeavouring to prepare her as much as
possible for the shock acquainted her with the intelligence he had just received
To you dear Madam who seem to have known affliction it must be needless to describe the emotions of my unhappy mother upon this occasion—The humane doctor N— said every thing he could think of to asswage her distraction and repeated the promise he had made her before of concurring with her in an immediate vindication of her rights seeing there was now no time to lose and that it was sufficiently apparent Mr W— meant to take advantage of her too long acquiescence under the concealment of her marriage and by this new and more public engagement to bar her claim forever
He confessed that notwithstanding his plausible professions to them both at parting his mind could not help still harbouring some doubts with regard to the sincerity of them—For however said he my christianity may incline me to a perfect faith in the efficacy of divine grace one is naturally apt to suspect your extempore converts especially where the reformation seems as in this case to have been brought about by the necessity of some present urgency
He concluded then that my fathers scheme in carrying my mother and me out of the kingdom must be to separate us from the advice or assistance of whatever friends we might have here and that being bereft of the protection of English laws he meant to shut us up
in a convent together for life upon some forged pretence or other which would leave him at liberty to return in triumph home again and complete his base purpose with his new mistress at Exeter
That very day doctor N— gave my mother a regular certificate of her marriage signed by himself as the clergyman who had performed the ceremony referring to the
The next day my father came to the house with a carriage to convey us off
privately through the country to Weymouth where he told us he had prepared a ship to sail over directly to the continent My mother made no reply but wept and quitted the room to leave Dr N— at liberty to explain the reason of her silence and sorrow
Their conversation was warm but short—The doctor made remonstrances to him upon his behaviour both from religion morals and the laws which my father resented with the highest intemperance declaring that he had happily one way still left to screen himself from persecution and prosecution both and then rushed out of the house which expression was soon after more fully explained by hearing that he had gone off to France whither no legal process could pursue him
These transactions were kept a perfect secret from me for several years—My fond mother thought it too soon for me to become acquainted with affliction and our worthy protector had also conceived a certain delicate idea about me with regard to vice—His opinion was certainly just that the longer young people are kept ignorant of it the safer for their morals—Purity of thought and innocence of action should be suffered to gain strength by habit before they know that there is such a thing as wickedness in human nature—The shock and abhorrence will be the greater on the first instance, and the danger of example less
Doctor N— kept us with him and supported us out of his own fortune while my poor mother lived or rather
languished which she did for about two years and then expired of a broken heart The doctor was so generous as to make her last moments easy by promising to take care of me till he could force my father by law to make a provision for me as his legitimate child saying that he thought it his duty to pay the debt of gratitude he owed to my grandfather to the only part of his family now that deserved it
My fathers emissaries soon informed him of my mothers death and he returned to his seat a joyful widower—The doctor immediately applied to him on my behalf but so far from being softened by his intercession he loaded him with abuse and threatened him with ruin if he did not instantly consent to
my being sent to a convent abroad and solemnly swear never to mention his marriage with my mother nor again interfere in his domestic affairs upon any occasion or pretence What became of his Exeter amour I know not having never heard a word about it since
Faithful to his promise the doctor refused to give him the satisfaction he required nor would he consent to my going into a convent upon any terms Conscious of the purity of his life and actions he disregarded my fathers threats and continued to treat me with the same kindness as if I had been his daughter
My Father who was lord of the manor stirred up most of the doctors parishioners to nonpayment of tithes and
supported them in every kind of insolence and injustice against him This excellent divine who was really a believer and follower of the doctrine which he taught suffered those who had taken his cloak to take his coat also and having no activity in him but for others in a very short time was deprived of the means of support either for himself or family—But why should I dwell longer on those miseries of which I was the unhappy though innocent cause
This best of men breathed his last sigh in a prison about three years after my mothers death and must latterly have wanted even the common necessaries of life but for the duty and affection of his nephew who was now become a captain and more than shared his little income
with him and me who from the time that my dear guardian was thrown into confinement had been placed by him to board and lodge with the wife of his parishclerk
During all the sufferings of this true divine he was never prompted to revile the cruel author of them nor to repine at the wretched state to which he was reduced and even to his last moments comforted and exhorted both me and his fellow prisoners to bear their crosses with resignation with chearfulness and with forgiveness to their persecutors and oppressors
While the doctor was able to keep house captain N— used often to visit there and stay sometimes whole
months together with us and after his uncles misfortune which separated us he came frequently to see me at my new lodgings He was a very worthy agreeable young man we had insensibly conceived a liking for each other and just before his uncles death he asked his consent to offer his hand and heart to me
The good man confessed himself much pleased at this overture and upon mentioning it to me said that when I should no longer have a protector in him I must be either thrown upon the world to get my bread in a state of servitude which he thought both dangerous and improper for me or obliged to sue to my father for a support which he feared he would refuse unless he were to confine me in a convent which he most earnestly
entreated me not to consent to but to persevere in suffering for the faith wherein I had been bred
And with regard to his nephew he paid me the compliment to think I was capable of rendering him happy and that eventually I might turn out a good fortune to him either by my fathers death or reformation I received the proposal I confess with pleasure and readily pronounced that consent with my lips which my heart had given before—My more than father my guardian my protector now saw his desire accomplished in our union—With his dying hands he joined ours and then slept in peace
For three whole years I was the happiest of human kind my husband was
all that my fondest wishes could have framed that child you saw was his delight and mine no frown eer clouded either of our brows or slightest contradiction passed our lips I was—I was too blest till heaven reclaimed its best its dearest gift and took him early to reward his virtues
Tho bred with such a shining pattern as doctor N— before me and long nurtured as I had been in the school of adversity yet this trial was too much for my weak mind which sunk oppressed into lethargic woe—The voice of reason is not heard by grief religion only reaches the sad heart—Cheered by the boundless hope of passing an eternity of bliss with him I now lamented I raised my drooping eye lids from the
grave and turned my views to heaven implored its grace to bend my stubborn soul to its high will and soothe my warring passions to submission—My prayer was heard no murmurs no complainings from that pious moment of reflection have issued from my lips in humble confidence without impatience I wait for my dismission from this vale of sorrow
Yet let me own that were there not a weight thrown in that scale that ties me down to earth my resignation would have had more merit My dear my much loved boy abates my ardor for the land of bliss and makes me fear that while his fate is doubtful I should even shudder on the brink of my long wishedfor voyage
In a heart rightly formed there cannot be a void—Maternal fondness now fills the place of chaste connubial love and in this soft exercise of my affections no griefs distract no transports rend my soul
This place I live in is a freehold that Captain H— my grandfather had purchased soon after I was born for the term of three lives his own my mothers and mine—His wife had been dead some years before It consists of this cottage a small ploughland a close for pasture and a little garden at an inconsiderable rent—Here I have lived all my life except while I was sheltered under the protection of the good doctor N— during which interval the farm was let to a tenant at will till I was married when my dear husband and I came to
reside here as much as his military duty would permit and here he left me when he was ordered with the regiment abroad last war in the first campaign of which he was killed
The produce of this small demesne with my pension as a Captains widow is all I have to maintain my child and me and require the closest attention and oeconomy to render them sufficient—And even these pittances depend upon the precarious tenure of my life—but I will not doubt the goodness of Providence and trust it will raise him up a support when it shall think proper to withdraw mine
Now judge unhappy stranger she continued if I have not a right to speak of
patience of resignation and religion as the surest balm of sorrow Philosophy and faith concur in this there is a hope beyond the grave and nought but vice unatoned by penitence and piety need ever urge despair
I had hung with mute attention on her story my tears had flowed with hers and while she spoke her griefs suspended mine admiration of her virtue now succeeded and kept me silent still but there alas our sympathy must end she might rejoice in her afflictions past whilst I must mourn for ever
I passed six days with this uncanonized saint this living Patience of whom
Shakespears image was but a prototype She knew me not all the while and I could not reveal myself nor had the particulars of my sad story yet reached her incurious ears to have given her the least cause of suspecting who I was
By various methods and slow degrees I pursued my journey towards Flintshire As I drew nearer to my mothers peaceful cottage I anticipated the misery and horror she would feel when she should know my situation and considered myself as a wretch who was going to communicate an incurable disease to the fond bosom that had nursed and cherished it—Prophetic were my thoughts
The first emotions she felt on seeing me were those of love and joy she strained me to her honest breast with true maternal tenderness and exclaimed
Mr W— has at last relented and blessed me with a sight of my Maria
Whilst I oerwhelmed with her unmerited kindness sunk speechless to the earth—Tears were the sole return that I could make to her caresses and inquiries
My mother was alarmed
Sorrow she said my child we both have known but sure that should not seal your lips to those who wish to share and soothe your griefs or render you insensible to love like mine
I grasped her honoured hand pressed it to my heart and vainly strove to articulate a sound—For several hours I remained
in this situation—At length my speech returned and throwing myself on my knees before her I could not be prevailed on to forsake that posture till I had recounted to her the whole of that horrid tale which you have just now read
I will not wound your heart my brother with attempting to describe the agonies she suffered during the sad recital of my story yet this truly virtuous this scarce erring woman pitied the crimes which she herself detested and spoke of peace and pardon to my afflicted soul even to the latest moment of her life—for she is dead—She strove to hide her anguish and to lessen mine
The night I got there after I had been in bed and just falling into a slumber
from the fatigue of my journey and the waste of my spirits I was alarmed by the noise of some persons who knocked loudly at the door of the house and demanded admittance—The people with whom we lodged refused them entrance unless they would first declare the purpose of their errand—This they refused but sending for a sledge soon battered down all opposition and rushed in
My mother and I had but just time to hurry on our cloaths when an ill looking fellow with a candle in one hand and a pistol in the other came into our chamber attended by two other ruffians—Upon their appearance we instantly offered to surrender all our effects and promised neither to make resistance nor pursuit They seemed highly to resent
our manner of reception and replied that they scorned to use any manner of violence that might not be justified by the law
The principal of the men then told me that he was steward to Mr W— and had been dispatched by him with a warrant to apprehend me for the murder of Sir Thomas L— early the next morning after the fact and my flight for the same with directions to come and look for me in that place as it was natural to suppose that I should have flown to my mother for refuge after my crime—He said that he had examined and inquired for me all along the road and had concealed his business in that village for several days lying in wait for my arrival
Horror and amazement seized both my unhappy mother and me—I pitied her more than myself—I was hardened to sufferings I wished to die though not with ignominy and felt disappointed at finding the purpose of these housebreakers had ended with so little violence to my life—I apprehended no danger from the prosecution but to think of an arraignment and a public trial was distraction I reflected deeply on the divine and sustaining sentiments of the amiable Mrs N— and her precepts and example had a salutary effect on my mind
The steward then returned to the inn to send off to Chester for a chaise to carry me to Exeter the county town of Devonshire to take my trial at the next
assizes which were immediately to be held there but left his two guards in the house to prevent my escape—My afflicted mother who had fallen upon the bed when she heard the shocking sentence pronounced lay silent for a minute then turning to me who was standing speechless and motionless before her with a look of wildness and despair cried out
Ill go with you Ill die with you we never shall be parted more
I threw myself down by her we embraced and lay folded in each others arms till we were summoned the next morning to begin our journey
We travelled with all the expedition that our conductors were pleased to make and suffered every indignity and insolence of office all the way that mean
persons are apt to inflict on those above them whenever they happen to gain an authority over them—All this I felt not but as I sympathized with my unhappy mother for as to myself I welcomed every mortification and distress I met with and even wished them still more severe
We were at length relieved from this oppression by arriving at Exeter where we were carried directly to the sheriffs house and delivered over into his custody for my dear mother would not quit me but said that the same prison or the same grave should receive us both—This humane person behaved with the utmost tenderness and politeness toward us offered us every refreshment and accommodation that his hospitality
could afford and told me that he would impose no other restraint on me than an earnest request that I would accept of the best apartment in his house and prevail on my mother to share the same comforts and conveniences with me—He then bowed and retired
He returned soon after to introduce a gentleman to us who he said had some affair of business to communicate to me and then withdrew again But how was I overwhelmed with confusion when the person announced his name to be Captain R— The confidant of my shame stood before me—My trial was began already—I felt as if I was at the bar
This gentleman behaved with great goodbreeding and compassion to me on
that occasion he scarcely looked at me but going up directly to my mother whom he saw in tears assured her that she need not suffer the least uneasiness on account of her daughter as he had already made her innocence appear so fully to the Justice that she was not to be arraigned on the trial and might now consider herself perfectly free from her arrest—He prevented us he would not listen to our acknowledgments but directing his discourse to me though without turning his eyes towards me thus proceeded
In order to make you acquainted with the present situation of this unhappy business it is necessary for me Madam to recount the regular process of it from the moment I had
been informed of the event by an anonymous billet to this time I soon guessed the writer and as quickly suspected the author of the tragedy—Upon these hints I immediately applied to a magistrate in the neighbourhood and after having given in my depositions according to the notice I had received I became armed with proper force and authority and rode directly to Castle W—
I was not denied admission and upon opening my commission Mr W— charged you Madam directly with the fact said you had absconded immediately after the murder and that he had just then issued a warrant and dispatched a pursuit after you in order to have you apprehended and
delivered over into the hands of justice—Then by way of supporting his assertion by circumstances led me up stairs into the room where the corpse lay extended on the ground shewed me the discharged pistol lying on the bed and pointed to the blood with which the coverlet had been stained in many places
I wept over the body of my dear friend
said he
then turning to Mr W— shewed him the note I had received and asked him if he knew the hand Yes he replied quick it is my wifes and one line in it I think sufficiently certifies against her—I do not mean by this notice to call even for justice against his assassin Whose danger I pray you do you imagine she should be so tender of Would
she not have named the assassin if that might have been done with safety to herself
Sir I replied you will now give me leave to reason upon the circumstances relative to this melancholy affair in turn It cannot be difficult considering the several parties both separately and connected to suppose the motive of Sir Thomass errand hither and whether it were most natural for the fond mistress or the jealous husband to have been the murderer is a question sitter to be argued in a court than discussed here For which reason concluded I I shall pretend to act but ministerially upon this occasion and therefore I do now in the name of justice arrest you and your whole houshold in
order to take your trials jointly and severally for this murder
Mr W— seemed startled at this discourse but talked highly and began to put himself into a posture of defence upon which I presented a pistol to his breast and pointing to the mangled corpse cried There Sir is your example should you attempt to resist He then surrendered himself a prisoner the rest of his family did the same and after I had got the body laid with decency on the bed left the servants of the deceased to attend it and given charge of the funeral to the clergyman of the parish I escorted my captives to the goal in this city where they have remained ever since
Upon their examination before a magistrate in this town continued he the
maid servant who said she had attended on you Madam turned evidence to save her life and charged her master with the murder She said that he had come to the house in the evening privately and desired her to conceal his arrival from her mistress That he told her there was an assignation fixed for that night between Sir Thomas L— and his wife and about the time that he thought they might have put out the candles he took her with him to the room to be a witness of what he said would intitle him to a divorce but that being disappointed in that circumstance and alarmed at seeing Sir Thomas putting his hand to his sword he discharged the pistol and killed him on the spot
Mr W— did not make any manner of interruption or reply to this womans
deposition while it was going on saying only after it was over that he thought himself sufficiently justified in the action both from law and conscience and that justice without favour was all he should desire to indemnify him on the day of trial
Thus situated is this unhappy affair at present and with regard to your arrest Madam I have had that superseded already before you arrived in town as the warrant was only founded on surmise and I have myself given bail for your appearance on the trial just to corroborate the servant maids testimony
I had hitherto lain reclined on my arm hiding my face tears and blushes
with my hand but when he came to the last expression I forgot all reserve and starting up
No sir said I it cannot shall not be—I will never appear in evidence against Mr W— you may drag me before the court but no violence shall make me speak there Justice I acknowledge to be a duty but there are situations which may exempt one from the observance of it Duties cannot contradict duties and I have already too far erred against mine to him to think of adding a further injury—And if my death is to be the consequence of my silence I am willing to pay that forfeit to redeem his
Captain R— seemed struck with my sentiments on so difficult an occasion and told me that he would consult his
lawyers that night whether my evidence might be dispensed with and would wait on me again the next morning—He then took his leave and left my poor mother and me to pass an anxious sleepless night in mourning the distress of our present situation
The next day he came to us and said that his counsel had told him that as he was the prosecutor he might excuse whatever witness he pleased especially as the servant maids testimony was full enough to the point already—We thanked him extremely for his humanity and politeness and the instant he retired we hired a chaise and drove out of the town on our road back to Flintshire flying as fast as possible from a scene of so much horror
The anxiety of mind and fatigue of body which my dear mother had laboured under all this while had brought on a fever that confined her in bed from the moment we reached her habitation in Flintshire I wept prayed and attended on her during her illness till her last moment—She blessed her children—even me she blessed and prayed for peace and pardon to my polluted soul she expired in my fainting arms—leaveing me friendless in a world alone
But fate had not yet done with me I was not yet unhappy enough About two days after her death I received a letter from Captain R— who had found out the place of my residence from Mr W—s steward which brought me the following account from Exeter
The facts and arguments upon which Mr W— grounded his defence were these—When Mrs W— had given her letter for Sir Thomas to the messenger he mentioned it to the gardener and he communicated his intelligence to her maid who had been appointed a spy over all her actions—She took it from the man inclosed it to her master and sent him off directly with it to London
As soon as he received it he broke it open and took a copy which he made his own man compare and witness then sealed and sent off the original to Sir Thomas by a special messenger who pretended he had come from Castle W— not caring to intrust the fellow who had brought it lest he
should have betrayed him as he had before deceived Mrs W— The answer he proceeded with in the same manner and then dispatched the first carrier with it to Mrs W—
This state of the case Mr W— had sent up to London along with the attested copies of the letters for the opinion of an eminent counsel to know whether upon such a certainty of the fact and finding the adulterer in such an improper situation with his wife the laws did not grant some indulgence to the transports and resentment of a provoked and injured husband
The lawyers reply was that such considerations had indeed been sometimes permitted to be laid before a
jury in alleviation of the crime he had been guilty of but that it was only in cases where no premeditation had appeared in the matter and that his was a very different situation as he had confessed his having been apprised of the assignation assisted in forwarding the appointment and had travelled above an hundred miles with a malice praepense to take Sir Thomas L— at an unfair advantage From all which circumstances he concluded that the laws would not consider him as a provoked husband but a deliberate assassin
This answer deprived him of all hope and drove him to distraction—Could the articles mentioned in the state of his case have been prevented
from coming before the court he might perhaps have had some chance of escaping but the messenger of the two letters was among the persons that had been taken up for the murder had made a deposition in his own defence and was to be produced on the trial This particular confirmed his despair and in a transport of madness the unhappy man put an end to his life in the prison the day before the assizes began
Prepared though I was to expect an account of Mr W—s death the manner of it however filled my soul with horror and had a more immediate effect upon my constitution than any of the shocks I had received before From that sad hour when no kind prop
remained to stay my overburdened heart I have sunk beneath its weight my wasting form and slackened nerves give hopes of my release and with this heavy task which now draws near an end I trust my woes shall cease
The first thing that occurred to my mind upon this tragical event was the benefit that my humane and hospitable friend of the cottage and her lovely child might possibly receive from it and I had the satisfaction before I left the kingdom to hear that Mrs N— had sufficiently proved her mothers marriage by the certificate and witness and taken possession of castle W— as sole heiress to her fathers estate and fortune which were very considerable
I did not make myself known to her as under our different circumstances no manner of connection could ever properly have subsisted between us but as I was entitled to a jointure of four hundred pounds a year by marriage settlement I put the deed which had been left in my mothers possession into the hands of an attorney at Chester to claim my rights which were not denied and on receipt of the first payment I quitted England for ever and came over here to France with a purpose of retiring immediately into a convent for life
I began my narrative of woe before I left England and have completed it since I came over and shall put it into the India House for you at Paris if I
may have life enough to carry me thither as I design to fix my residence in some of the distant provinces beyond it But I have been confined here these two days not being able to proceed further from the failure of my strength and the dejection of my spirits
Adieu my dearest brother may watchful angels hover round you and guard and guide your footsteps in the paths of virtue I feel myself growing weaker every line I write and think that here my journey and my cares will shortly end together With my last sigh I pray to be forgiven by Heaven and you and now once more adieu I hope for ever
MARIA
In answer to Letter LXII
YES Fanny your remark is just—The tears which flow for foreign griefs help somewhat to soften the poignancy of home felt sorrows I sympathized throughout every circumstance of the illfated Marias distress and was rejoiced at her lucky escape from the desperate guilt of suicide
It is intolerance not intolerability impatience not suffering that ever impels to such an act For it requires no further argument than this that God is just to evince that our strength of mind and body must be equally balanced by
nature so that the one may be sufficiently able to bear whatever can be inflicted on the other until death without precipitation necessarily comes to the relief of the overburdened sufferer For pain or grief are able to do their own business without the assistance of a crime
From whence I argue that resolution may last as long as life and that a virtuous soul may be sooner separated than subdued—I have endeavoured to express myself upon this subject with all the energy I could—I feel an interest in this reasoning at present and shall repose my trust in it
Maria was certainly more wretched than I am by the addition of one circumstance
which alone was sufficient to have rendered her so but surely we may hope without offence to the most rigid virtue that penitence and sufferings such as hers may have atoned for her transgression and that she now is happy—It is to be innocent to be unhappy—Whilst I must still subscribe myself your unhappy but affectionate sister
In answer to letter LXI
Clevelandhall
YOUR Fanny my Louisa has obeyed your kind command and now claims the sad indulgence promised in your last—I long yet dread to know
what those events can be which you deem more interesting than any of those extraordinary circumstances which have already happened to you
I cannot express the mixed sensation which my heart is at present sensible of While I give it up to that joy which happiness like mine should inspire I fancy I defraud you of that portion of sorrow which is due to your distress and while I tenderly reflect upon your sufferings and busy my imagination in trying to discover those additional woes you hint at the big drop which steals down my cheek silently reproaches me with ingratitude to my dear brother to his amiable wife to my reclaimed prodigal to Providence and when as it sometimes happens my melancholy becomes
contagious and that I see a gloomy look of inquiry spread over those countenances which should be lighted up with smiles I strive forgive me my Louisa to forget your sorrows and dispel the cloud I have created by affected efforts of chearfulness
But I will no longer like Miss Howe in Clarissa content myself with poorly lamenting the unhappiness of my friend—I can have no doubt of Lord Humes indulgence I will request his permission to see and embrace my sister—Her sighs and tears shall flow upon my bosom and I will try to pour the balm of comfort into hers
You did not date your last letter so so that I cannot even guess where you are
at present but I shall direct this to Southfield and impatiently wait for the explanation of that gloomy mystery in which you seem involved—All here salute you with the tenderest affection for as I now consider myself accountable to lord Hume for every moment of my time I proclaimed my intention of writing to you before I retired from the drawingroom and shall try to return to it with as chearful a countenance as I can possibly assume but be assured that my heart will never be truly at ease till I know that yours is so—As I shall never cease to be your faithfully affectionate
friend and sister F HUME
THE knowing that my Fanny is happy is certainly a reason for my being less wretched than when I wrote last but then the cruel thought of interrupting her felicity must add to my distress—And can it bear addition O yes yes the torturing suspence which I now feel too surely informs me that there yet remains many arrows in the quiver of adversity which may still be pointed at my sad heart and yet not pierce it through
O Fanny it is very difficult to die at least I find it so—Death sports with human misery and would rather increase than end them—
Tis his delight to bid
the wretch survive the fortunate the feeble wrap the athletic in his shroud and weeping parents build their childrens tombs
Excuse this rhapsody—I will try to collect myself and acquaint you with the particulars of my present distress
The morning after I had written to you from Elmgrove I ordered my carriage as I had intended and at breakfast acquainted Lady Creswell with my design of setting out for Southfield—Every argument that friendship or politeness could urge were used to prevail on me to stay with them for a few days longer but I continued firm to my purpose
I told Harriet that she might remain with lady Creswell till she came to return
my visit which both she and Sir Harry promised should be in ten days or a fortnight—Harriet declined my indulgence and entreated me with uncommon earnestness to take her with me—I considered her refusal as the effect of her attention and complaisance to me till with a very solemn air she said to me when we were alone
If you Madam think it necessary to quit Elmgrove I am sure I ought to do so too
I acquiesced in her opinion and desired her to get ready immediately
Lord Lucan to my great satisfaction did not appear at breakfast—when he was inquired for the servants said he had rode out very early in the morning I took my friend lady Creswell aside and requested her not without some confusion
to deliver my letter to his lordship as soon as he returned from riding Almost at that instant a servant of Sir Williams galloped into the courtyard and presented the following billet to me
The infamy of your late conduct has for some time made me balance whether I should by the bearer command your immediate return to my house or forbid your ever entering it My respect for your family has so far turned the scale in your favour as to make me though unwillingly condescend to receive you under my roof till they shall be acquainted with your vileness and either find you out a proper asylum or join in abandoning you with your highly injured husband
I have already told you that Lady Creswell was with me when I received this shocking sentence—Amazement suspended all my powers while I read it my sight forsook me the paper dropped out of my hand and I fell almost senseless upon a couch When I recovered my speech I bid her read it and tell me what it meant
She quickly saw through the detested villainy and at once exclaimed
your husband is abused that wicked Colonel Walter has deceived him—My aunt unhappy and infatuated woman corresponds with him and has doubtless transmitted an account of Lord Lucans being here
Her surmise was equal to conviction and I that moment beheld myself the
victim of that wretchs disappointed passion—O could my heart have told me I was an innocent one how slightly should I have regarded the utmost malice of this fiend
I need not attempt to describe the distraction of my mind during the journey Harriet was so visibly affected with my grief though unknowing of the cause that I would if possible have concealed it from her and even accused myself for making her heart so early acquainted with sorrow
When we arrived at Southfield Benson with tears in her eyes informed me that Sir William was dangerously ill the vein in his lungs which had been closed for some time had opened and the physician who attended him had but
very faint hopes of his life—The agony which this account threw me into I shall leave to your own sensibility to imagine—I fell upon my knees and in an heart felt extasy cried out
Gracious God have pity on me spare my husbands life and let not his murderer triumph over him and me at once
Harriet and Benson raised me from the ground with a mingled expression of pity and horror in their looks—they thought me mad—I was alas too sensible at least to misery—When I became a little more calm Harriet asked me if I would not go to see Sir William I started up at the question and would have flown that moment to his bedside had not Benson interposed by telling me he was just fallen into a slumber and that the doctor had given orders he should not be disturbed
The idea that his mind was at rest afforded a little ease to my own the tears ran silent and plenteous down my cheeks while my heart offered up the most fervent petitions to the fountain of life for his recovery—By degrees I became composed and at Harriets entreaty I tried to eat and retired to rest
In the morning doctor Hartford who attends Sir William desired to see me—He told me that the sudden and violent return of his patients disorder had proceeded from some perturbation of mind and that the only chance he had for his life was the being kept in a state of apathy as much as possible and advised my not seeing him for some days yet as even the most pleasing emotion might be productive of fatal consequences
I told him I would not attempt any thing that should injure his health though I most earnestly wished to see him—He said he had taken the liberty of preventing two letters from being delivered to him for the reasons he had then given me—He presented them to me I saw that one of them was the letter I had sent by the servant the other was from Colonel Walter
Surely if a breach of trust could ever be deemed pardonable the peculiarity of my situation might have furnished an excuse for reading this letter but my heart revolted at the mean idea—I gave both of them to Harriet and bid her keep them till her uncle should be able to read them himself
About an hour after this Sir William sent for Harriet the moment he saw her he cried out
Where is she
In her chamber Sir weeping your illness and praying for your recovery
—
For my death you mean
Indeed you wrong her Sir I never saw any person so truly concerned for another
—
Where is lord Lucan Why do you blush at that question what then art thou become the confident the vile accomplice of your aunts infamy
Believe me Sir I never heard or saw a word or action of hers that should be called so—She is the best of women
—
If that be true the whole sex are past redemption—But where is Lord Lucan
We left him at Elmgrove—My dear dear uncle let me entreat you to compose yourself indeed you wrong my aunt most cruelly
She fell on her knees at his bedside and kissed his hand—
O Harriet I am but too well convinced that your expression refers more justly to her—It is she has wronged herself and me too—But perhaps I have deserved to lose her affection though mine was true to her—Yet for her own sake for the honour of her family I did not think she would have been abandoned—But d—n d—n her
He wept while he pronounced these horrid words
Harriet described the strong emotion she had seen me feel on hearing of his illness he wept again yet called me an hyena and then cried out
Why does she not appear before me O she is conscious of her crime and
dare not look upon me
Harriet then acquainted him of the restraint his physician had imposed on me
It is very true he replied the sight of her would kill me but let her write if she has any thing to say in her defence
She then gave him my letter—He seemed much agitated while he read it then said he was too weak to bear these painful conflicts and bad her tell me he would receive me as soon as he was able but only to confront me with such proofs as were indubitable and never from that moment see me more
Alas my sister what will now become of me grant it were possible I could be able to undeceive Sir William
and remove even the shadow of suspicion from his thoughts must I not always live in fear a fear which my own consciousness will still create That mutual band of conjugal felicity a perfect confidence is now for ever broken—The gloomy reflections that dwell within my bosom will still appear and raise up fresh disquiets and alarms within my husbands breast though he conceals his doubts my heart will feel them and secretly repine that even the sacrifice of my unhappy passion has not been able to procure his peace yet this is the sole prospect this the compounding hope of such a wretch as I
Harriet has seen her uncle every day and in consequence of their conversations I have written to him twice—He
seems much affected while he reads my letters and yet returns again to his unjust suspicions—Colonel Walters letter has been delivered to him he inquired whether I knew who it came from and upon Harriets telling him I did he replied that has more weight with me than all that she has protested under her hand—There is yet at least some virtue in her
Indeed my sister were I not convinced it is my duty to calm Sir Williams mind I could with the utmost composure submit to and sink under the cruel calumny thrown out against me—The world and all that it contains seems to recede from my now feeble grasp—The dejection of my spirits has diffused an universal languor through
my whole frame and some blessed intelligence whispers me that soon very soon this poor torn heart will be at peace surely my Fanny you will you ought I mean rejoice at my deliverance
I am glad of your happiness of my brothers and of every ones I could at this moment rejoice in a certainty of my being the only wretched creature upon earth—I wish I could prevent your sending a thought or a sigh this way your sorrow for my misery can but increase it—Strive to forget it then perhaps I may yet do so too—But never shall I cease to remember that I am
your truly affectionate sister L BARTON
WOULD you believe it Lucan I am become a philosopher and that by the worst of all possible means experience—I find there is no such thing as permanent happiness for in the very moment that I looked down with pity upon kings my cup has been dashed with a good smart dose of coloquintida
For some time before my marriage both Sir George Cleveland and I observed that my dear Fanny was frequently dejected and melancholy but whenever we seemed to take notice of this indisposition of mind she attributed it to the change of climate and immediately assumed an air of chearfulness
For my own part I sometimes thought that her uneasiness might proceed from a recollection of my former conduct and therefore endeavoured to dissipate her suspicions by every mark of the sincerest attachment—I flattered myself I had succeeded as she had given me her hand without the least affectation of reluctance which young ladies sometimes assume the appearance of in order to enhance the value of the gift
I think there never was a blither bridegroom than myself—indeed I felt myself most truly happy—Yet my Fannys fits of melancholy frequently returned and I have sometimes surprised her in tears I used to kiss them off and begged to know the cause she constantly evaded my request but with
so much tenderness and delicacy that I could not insist on her compliance or even let her see that I was unhappy myself lest it should render her more so
In this kind of mortal state we passed several weeks but a letter that was delivered to her lately has unravelled the mystery—We were alone in her dressingroom when it was brought to her—While she read it her countenance changed so visibly that I could not avoid taken notice of it to her she burst into tears and exclaimed my unhappy sister What is she dead I asked—Not yet she answered and sunk back as if near fainting in her chair—By Heaven Lucan I would not go through such another moment for the diamond eyes of the Indian idol—I forget his name—that are computed to be worth a million and a half
As soon as she had recovered she entreated me not to mention what had happened to Sir George or his lady then told me that Lady Barton was the most miserable being upon earth from the villainy of a vile fellow who lives in their neighbourhood and was himself in love with her who by a false accusation of her to her husband has rendered him so outrageously jealous as almost to endanger Sir Williams life that from her sisters letters she had reason to believe that she also was dying and implored me to set out for Ireland with her immediately in order to rescue lady Barton if possible by removing her from that scene of misery and distress
I readily acquiesced in her desire discovering still new charms in her tender
and generous affection for her unhappy sister which has been the sole source of her melancholy—She gave me many prudent reasons for not acquainting her brother with this affair so that our scheme was mentioned at dinner as a sudden thought and every thing was fixed for our setting out in two days—But pity me Lucan when I tell you that my whole of life my hearts dear Fanny was taken ill that night the next day grew much worse and on the third the physicians pronounced her disorder to be a miliary fever She is now thank Heaven out of danger but weak low and in her bed I did not know how truly how fondly I loved her Lucan till now—I am not ashamed of the blot a tear has just made
Her impatience to set out for your country is unabated but I fear it will be some time before her strength will be equal to the journey She has commanded me to write a few lines in gayeté de coeur to lady Barton as if jealous of the correspondence between them and saying that I will only allow her to answer her letters in person—This is meant to excuse her silence without alarming her about her illness—How tender how considerate
I hope to see you soon in Dublin and that we shall return to England together if Lady Barton should come with us we shall be a good melange enough for a parte quarré—I am resolved to be gay my wife will I hope be chearful when she has rescued her sister
from the greeneyed monster—You will be polite and agreeable at least and I think lady Barton will have no great cause to be sorrowful at leaving a husband with whom she has never been happy as Fanny has now confessed to me on this occasion
In my next I hope I shall be able to fix the day of our setting out—Till we meet adieu my dear Lucan
yours HUME
IT is over my dear sister my trial and condemnation are past and I now sink under the weight of his censure from
which I neither ought nor desire to appeal—Yesterday Sir William desired to see me I instantly obeyed his summons and approached him pale and trembling—But my wanness was the effect of ill health and my tremor arose from weakness—Yet he perhaps might have attributed these symptoms to guilt or fear for a person arraigned is generally half condemned
I dreaded his flying into a rage at seeing me but to do him justice he was unusually calm—As I entered the chamber he said
I am sorry Madam that we should meet thus
—I told him I was sincerely grieved for having been the innocent cause of so much uneasiness to him—He repeated the word innocent and then launched out into the most cruel
and I am happy to say false accusation that ever was uttered
Wretched wretched man my heart this moment feels for what his must one day suffer He was violently agitated while he proceeded in his accusation and I sometimes thought that he appeared to doubt the improbabilities he uttered till he produced lord Lucans picture which seemed like a visible miracle to corroborate the whole legend
I offered not the least interruption while he spoke but when he had ended I threw myself upon my knees before him and in the most solemn manner assured him that I had never been guilty of an act of dishonour though I confessed that my affections had not been inviolably
restrained to him perhaps from the harshness of his manners perhaps from my own weakness
He was variously affected whilst I spoke and often broke out into extravagant exclamations denying the truth of what I said by recurring to the charge against me—At other times he appeared softened for an instant but then the picture like Othellos handkerchief still turned his heart to stone
Why was I not at liberty to unravel that mystery But my word was long since passed to keep it secret and never shall that bond be forfeited nor shall my innocence ever be justified by dishonour Besides this was but a circumstance and that equivocal at most
He then said that as my family all but myself were truly respectable he would for their sakes take some time to consider how he should act before he branded me with infamy and that I might remain a prisoner in his house till he had determined on my sentence—But from that moment interdicted me from quitting my apartment and what was still much more severe from seeing or conversing with my sole comfort the tender the affectionate the amiable Harriet
I wept but it was in silence and yielded to this hard decree without a murmur—He might have been more cruel to me—Benson is still permitted to attend me nor has he yet forbidden me the melancholy pleasure of writing to my
sister I thank him most sincerely for these two indulgencies and most devoutly hope I shall not want them long
While I live I shall never cease to lament my being the fatal and sole source of sorrow to my beloved sister—O dry your tears my Fanny and turn your eyes to happier views—See an adoring husband and a tender brother court you to happiness—Forget the wretch that mars your present bliss and renders you ungrateful for Heavens bounty
My heart sinks in me—My friend my little Harriet is just sent away I hear the wheels that carry her from hence—they roll upon my heart protecting angels guard her innocence and soothe the sorrows of her tender mind
I know it Benson she was drowned in tears—I feel them stream this moment on my breast—Alas my Fanny my head turns round I cannot write another line
Adieu adieu
DID you not think I was completely wretched when I last wrote to you I thought so then but find my error now—There is no bounds to miseries like mine the swelling waves rise upon one another and overwhelm me—Why does this feeble bark struggle so long why not sink down at once to dark oblivion But I will silence this repining heart nor murmur at my sufferings
About eight oclock this morning there arrived a messenger from Waltersburgh and in a few minutes after Sir William rushed into my room with an appearance of frenzy in his air and countenance—
Vilest of women
cried he out
you have now completed your wickedness—But think not that either you or your accomplice shall escape—That pity which pleaded in my weak heart even for an adultress will but increase my rage against the murderess of my friend
He then quitted me abruptly as if bent upon some horrid purpose
Yes Fanny I have heard my name traduced by the two vilest terms that ever disgraced human nature and yet I neither sighed nor shed a tear—I became
petrified with horror and fixed my eyes in stupid silence on the door at which Sir William issued till Benson opened it some minutes after and found me quite immoveable
I blame him not for his intemperate wrath he thinks he has just cause—There has been a duel—Lord Lucan is in fault—he was the challenger—He has destroyed my fame and peace of mind for ever It is but just it should be so that he who caused my weakness should punish it
I hear that he is dangerously wounded and Colonel Walter mortally—O could I hope my prayers might reach the throne of mercy But am I not as Sir William stiles me a murderess too
surely so I am the fatal cause of all these crimes—forgive me gracious Heaven No words can paint my agonies death only can relieve them
A note from Sir William it has broke my heart—I fear I cannot see to copy it
Waltersburg
I know not how to plead the pardon either of myself or the unhappy Colonel Walter But if the strongest remorse for the injuries he has done you added to the loss of life which is now ebbing fast from his wound may be thought an atonement you will comply with his request and grant him your forgiveness
As to myself I can only say that I have been most cruelly deceived and
nothing but Colonel Walters present situation confession and contrition could ever have induced me to forgive his having been the cause of so much unhappiness to you—I forgive him mine because he has repaired it—My own offence my own failings have rendered me charitable to his—But if Heaven shall spare my life it shall be spent in penitence for the wrongs I have done you
Colonel Walter entreats you will let him know where his wife and child now are Judge my surprise at hearing him acknowlege such connections But there is now no time for reflections as doctor Hartford and the surgeon both say he has not long to live Death will be ease from the agonies he now endures in his tortured mind and I trust
in Heavens mercy that they will ensure his future peace
Be speedy my much injured Louisa in affording some relief to the most unhappy wretch I ever yet beheld and in his pardon include that of your abused and much afflicted husband
PS Lord Lucans wound is not dangerous—I will write for Harriet to return immediately to Southfield
I wrote upon the instant but even at this short interval cannot recollect what I said—My sensations were too much diversified too rapid to leave strong traces on the memory—What did I not feel horror pity grief and even a gleam of joy joy that my name
shall not disgrace my family nor make it hateful when I shall be but dust
Sir Williams kindness in restoring Harriet to me is the most pleasing proof that he could give of his returning confidence—I know that it will make her happy and therefore do I doubly thank him—All other marks of his regard must come too late—We cannot live together—Yet I feel that death alone will part us—His approaches have long been welcomed by me I have thought his harbingers were slow and chid their tardy though sure progress—Yet would I now delay their lingering steps till I could sold my sister to my heart then bid it cease to beat—This is a cruel but a natural wish—I will not press for the indulgence of it
I am most truly thankful that Lord Lucans life is safe but cannot form the least conjecture why he should hazard it as he has done—It is impossible that he should know the injuries I have sustained from Colonel Walter—To you alone have I revealed my sufferings Even Harriet was a stranger to the cause of my distress till Sir Williams violence informed her of his suspicions and sure I am she would not publish my disgrace This is a point that I could wish was cleared—Yet of what moment is it to me now
I have just received a letter from Lord Hume—excuse my silence to him and assure him of my affectionate regards—My truest tenderest love awaits my brother—and I charge you Fanny never
to let him know what I have suffered—it would wound his peace when I shall be at rest
Another note from Sir William containing unbounded thanks for what he calls my condescending goodness—Can there be any merit in the forgiveness of one frail and erring being to another I will try if I can rest—goodnight my dearest sister
SIR William returned about ten oclock this morning from Waltersburgh and I was not up—I used to be an early riser Fanny—But may now say with Anna in Douglas—
Thy votaries Grief great natures orders break
And change the midnight to the moontide hour
It was near eleven before I rang my bell and though Sir William expressed the greatest impatience to see me he would not suffer Benson to disturb me—Why do these petits soins appear too late for him or me to profit from As soon as she informed me that he was in the house I rose and dressed me with the utmost expedition then sent to let him know that I was ready to receive his commands—I found my mind infinitely more agitated than when he had summoned me to appear before him yet I did not tremble as I then had done but my heart beat quicker
He approached me with a look of tender anxiety which I had never seen
him wear I arose as he entered he caught my hand and dropped upon one knee
Lady Barton said he it is impossible for words to express my feelings could you be sensible of what they are you would both pardon and pity me
I made the strongest effort in my power to raise him from the ground but both my strength and speech forsook me and I sunk motionless within his arms
When I recovered I found myself reclining upon Bensons bosom and Sir William walking about the room like a distracted person exclaiming
She is lost is gone for ever and I have killed her I am the murderer now
The moment I could speak I said every thing in my power to calm his
mind but he continued to accuse himself much more severely than he could deserve and when he looked upon my altered face tears streamed from his sad eyes—Indeed I am much changed from what I was—I think you scarce could know me
Colonel Walter is no more—Though I have no faith in the efficacy of prayers for the dead yet I cannot refrain from offering up mine—For religion prompted by misfortunes is apt to exceed to superstition But enough or rather say too much of this sad subject
Harriet is returned—She started at seeing me—It is amazing what a visible alteration a few days has made in my appearance I do not myself perceive any
great internal change an encreasing weakness is all that I am sensible of—Death seems to be grateful for the ardent wishes I have so often made for him and approaches me with the gentleness of a friend—The variety of terrors I have gone through have disarmed him of his and though they at present seem to be passed pardon me my sister I cannot help considering my dissolution as a deliverance
As soon as Harriet arrived Sir William brought her by the hand and presenting her to me said
I am happy my dear niece to restore you again to the protection of the best and most injured woman breathing—My future conduct to her joined to your care and assiduity will I hope restore her health and make us all happy once more
I bowed assent to Sir Williams impossible wish and embraced my beloved Harriet with all the fondness of a mother—I shall be a loss to her Fanny my heart melts at the idea of her distress—I am not able to hold the pen longer at present I will reassume it tomorrow
I hope that contrary winds are the sole cause of my not hearing from you—The agitation of my mind for some time past has prevented my thinking too deeply on your silence—I flatter myself that the next postday will prevent my future anxiety
Adieu
MY illness or rather languor encreases so fast upon me that it is with much difficulty I can support myself in my chair for an hour together yet they talk of carrying me to Lisbon—How absurd as if a long journey could cure a broken heart—Mine is the gentlest of decays the marks of my approaching dissolution are almost as visible in the faces that surround me as in my own—Sir William is the very statue of grief no pen or pencil can describe the tender expression of concern and solicitude that appears in Harriets face—Benson is become a spectre and doctor
Hartford though long used to look on the approaches of death seems startled and affected by them now
The unhappy affair of the duel has not yet been explained but I have neither curiosity or concern about that or any thing else now left—Even my unhappy passion have I long since sacrificed to my duty—Be witness for me Heaven that from the moment of Sir Williams danger the fond delirium vanished from my heart and left not even one tainted trace behind—You have known all the conflicts of my soul and were there ought that could disturb it now to you I would confess the painful perturbation as to Heaven—but all is calm my sister
Still as the sea ere winds were taught to blow
Or moving spirit bad the waters flow
Soft as the slumbers of a saint forgiven
And mild as opening gleams of promised Heaven
May the last lines be prophetic Amen Adieu I will not yet say a last one to my beloved sister
PS You are at liberty to acquaint my brother with my situation—No stain will now reflect on him from me My memory will still be dear to those I love to him to you my sister—This thought will smooth my passage to the grave and I shall rest in peace
Dear Hume
YOUR last letter has brought about a fatal event I shall make no merit of letting you into a secret which is now at an end for ever Lady Barton was the charming woman to whom my heart had dedicated my life Her beauty purity and frankness sure never yet were equalled My attentions and regards I fear were too much marked towards her for it seems they were taken notice of by a gentleman Colonel Walter who likewise visited at her house
This happened unfortunately to excite some jealousy in his breast Though how was it possible for such a being as her to inspire a love without honour He gave hints of his suspicion though they then appeared to be of no consequence but upon reading your letter my mind quickly referred to the persons in question though you neither mentioned his name or mine
I was shocked at the falshood and villainy of the story—Had Lady Barton been an object of the utmost indifference to me honour and humanity must have excited me to exculpate both her and myself from so vile a slander—But adoring her as I do mere justice was too lukewarm a principle of action—I added resentment to it
I set out immediately for his house and charged him with his perfidy—He denied it at first but when I had produced my voucher he attempted to excuse himself by saying
that as the lady had herself acknowledged a passion for me to him it required no great reach of philosophy to deduce the natural conclusion he had drawn from such premises
I shall then render myself worthy of such a confession said I by chastising your breach of honour in repeating it
—I had come prepared and told him so desiring him to follow me to the end of a grove near the place which he soon did—We were both wounded but he mortally I took care of him home—He seemed sensible and sorry
for his crime and said he would repair it—He is since dead
your unhappy friend LUCAN
Chester
IN what terms shall I express the feelings of my heart for my more than amiable my unhappy sister her sufferings have brought me near the brink of the grave and now that they are past why does she cruelly refuse her own assent to life and happiness Live my Louisa and do not doom me for ever to lament that I was blessed with such a friend
I am scarce recovered from a dangerous fever and yet have got so far on my way to assist your recovery unmindful of my own—Let not my fond attention be thrown away I conjure you
but in pity to Sir William to the gentle Harriet and to me at least exert a wish to live—I ask no more the rest may be expected from your youth and the unceasing assiduity of such tender friends
I have not strength to undertake a journey through Wales besides it must delay our meeting—I shall sail this night from Pargate—My dear lord trembles for what I may suffer from sea sickness—I can feel no ills but yours—the moment we land I shall set out for Southfield I hope I shall be there before this letter—I am incapable of writing my fears distract me yet I will strive to hope
I acquainted my brother with every particular of your story the moment I
had received your permission which was the very hour before we parted—He wept and would have accompanied me if his Delia had been in a condition for travelling
The tenderest of husbands joins me in the most fervent prayers and wishes for your recovery—O live to be a witness of the happiness I experience from his kindness and that happiness will be then complete—Adieu my dearest sister
F HUME
Southfield
YES my dear brother I have seen her but fear I shall not long enjoy that blessing—Death lies in ambush on her lovely cheek and lurks beneath the dimples of her smiles
My lord said she never looked so beautiful as now—I think so too Why must those beauties perish in the grave She was transported at seeing me joy overpowered her feeble frame she became quite exhausted and was obliged to retire to her chamber very early
The next morning she sent for Sir William and me into her dressingroom
She appeared more animated than I had ever seen her when she addressed him thus—
Heaven has indulged my utmost wish in granting me the happiness of seeing my beloved sister but I should be unworthy of this blessing if I did not endeavour that you also should be a gainer by it—Here Sir William pointing to me here is the witness of my weakness and my virtue every movement of my heart has been laid open to her view and to her I dare appeal to justify its purity while with myself she must condemn its frailty—If there yet needs a farther proof to satisfy you I will entreat my Fanny to submit the letters which have passed between us to your perusal—There you will see the conflicts of a weak not wicked mind and for the
single trespass of my heart though an involuntary one I now upon my knees implore your pardon
Sir William caught her in his arms before she could kneel and bathed her face with his fast flowing tears—His voice was inarticulate and he could scarce pronounce
Tis I that ought to kneel and sue for pardon my angel my Louisa O spare yourself and me these strong emotions I only I have been to blame And could I now restore your life and happiness by parting with my own I should not think my punishment severe—But O to lose you thus is misery extreme
How severely do I now reproach myself for not sooner acquainting you with the unhappy situation of our dear sister
Perhaps you might have rendered it more easy and saved her precious life But it was at her request that I concealed it till Colonel Walters dying confession had cleared her innocence
I cannot write more my heart is breaking soon too soon shall I I fear subscribe myself your only and
affectionate sister F HUME
Southfield
SHE is gone for ever I shall no more behold her her gentle spirit took its flight to heaven while these fond arms in vain endeavoured to support
the feeble frame from whence it parted—She sunk upon my bosom and expired nor sigh nor groan gave warning of her death she closed her eyes and slept for ever
No words can paint the grief and distraction of her unhappy husband the tender sorrow of the gentle Harriet or the heartfelt anguish of your
afflicted sister F HUME