CHAPTER I
A NEWCOMER
YES indeed remarked one of the guests at the English table yes indeed we start life thinking that we shall build a great cathedral a crowning glory to architecture and we end by contriving a mud hut
I am glad you think so well of human nature said the Disagreeable Man suddenly looking up from the newspaper which he always read during meal time I should be more inclined to say that we end by being content to dig a hole and get into it like the earth men
A silence followed these words the English community at that end of the table was struck with astonishment at hearing the Disagreeable Man speak The few sentences he had spoken during the last four years at Petershof were on record this was decidedly the longest of them all
He is going to speak again whispered beautiful Mrs Reffold to her neighbour
The Disagreeable Man once more looked up from his newspaper
Please pass me the Yorkshire relish he said in his rough way to a girl sitting next to him
The spell was broken and the conversation started afresh But the girl who had passed the Yorkshire relish sat silent and listless her food untouched and her wine untasted She was small and thin her face looked haggard She was a newcomer and had indeed arrived at Petershof only two hours before the tabledhôte bell rang But there did not seem to be any nervous shrinking in her manner nor any shyness at having to face the two hundred and fifty guests of the Kurhaus She seemed rather to be unaware of their presence or if aware of certainly indifferent to the scrutiny under which she was being placed She was recalled to reality by the voice of the Disagreeable Man She did not hear what he said but she mechanically stretched out her hand and passed him the mustardpot
Is that what you asked for she said half dreamily or was it the waterbottle
You are rather deaf I should think said the Disagreeable Man placidly I only remarked that it was a pity you were not eating your dinner Perhaps the scrutiny of the two hundred and fifty guests in this civilized place is a vexation to you
I did not know they were scrutinizing she answered and even if they are what does it matter to me I am sure I am quite too tired to care
Why have you come here asked the Disagreeable Man suddenly
Probably for the same reason as yourself she said to get better or well
You wont get better he answered cruelly I know your type well you burn yourselves out quickly And—my God—how I envy you
So you have pronounced my doom she said looking at him intently
Then she laughed but there was no merriment in the laughter
Listen she said as she bent nearer to him because you are hopeless it does not follow that you should try to make others hopeless too You have drunk deep of the cup of poison I can see that To hand the cup on to others is the part of a coward
She walked past the English table and the Polish table and so out of the Kurhaus dininghall
CHAPTER II
CONTAINS A FEW DETAILS
IN an old secondhand bookshop in London an old man sat reading Gibbons History of Rome He did not put down his book when the postman brought him a letter He just glanced indifferently at the letter and impatiently at the postman Zerviah Holme did not like to be interrupted when he was reading Gibbon and as he was always reading Gibbon an interruption was always regarded by him as an insult
About two hours afterwards he opened the letter and learnt that his niece Bernardine had arrived safely in Petershof and that she intended to get better and come home strong He tore up the letter and instinctively turned to the photograph on the mantelpiece It was the picture of a face young and yet old sad and yet with possibilities of merriment thin and drawn and almost wrinkled and with piercing eyes which even in the dull lifelessness of the photograph seemed to be burning themselves away Not a pleasing nor a good face yet intensely pathetic because of its undisguised harassment
Zerviah looked at it for a moment
She has never been much to either of us he said to himself And yet when Malvina was alive I used to think that she was hard on Bernardine I believe I said so once or twice But Malvina had her own way of looking at things Well that is over now
He then with characteristic speed dismissed all thoughts which did not relate to Roman History and the remembrance of Malvina his wife and Bernardine his niece took up an accustomed position in the background of his mind
Bernardine had suffered a cheerless childhood in which dolls and toys took no leading part She had no affection to bestow on any doll nor any woolly lamb nor apparently on any human person unless perhaps there was the possibility of a friendly inclination towards Uncle Zerviah who would not have understood the value of any deeper feeling and did not therefore call the child coldhearted and unresponsive as he might well have done
This she certainly was judged by the standard of other children but then no softening influences had been at work during her tenderest years Aunt Malvina knew as much about sympathy as she did about the properties of an ellipse and even the fairies had failed to win little Bernardine At first they tried with loving patience what they might do for her they came out of their books and danced and sang to her and whispered sweet stories to her at twilight the fairies own time But she would have none of them for all their gentle persuasion So they gave up trying to please her and left her as they had found her loveless What can be said of a childhood which even the fairies have failed to touch with the warm glow of affection
Such a little restless spirit striving to express itself now in this direction now in that yet always actuated by the same constant force the desire for work Bernardine seemed to have no special wish to be useful to others she seemed just to have a natural tendency to work even as others have a natural tendency to play She was always in earnest life for little Bernardine meant something serious
Then the years went by She grew up and filled her life with many interests and ambitions She was at least a worker if nothing else she had always been a diligent scholar and now she took her place as an able teacher She was selfreliant and perhaps somewhat conceited But at least Bernardine the young woman had learnt something which Bernardine the young child had not been able to learn she learnt how to smile It took her about six and twenty years to learn still some people take longer than that in fact many never learn This is a brief summary of Bernardine Holmes past
Then one day when she was in the full swing of her many engrossing occupations teaching writing articles for newspapers attending socialistic meetings and taking part in political discussions—she was essentially a modern product this Bernardine—one day she fell ill She lingered in London for some time and then she went to Petershof
CHAPTER III
MRS REFFOLD LEARNS A LESSON
PETERSHOF was a winter resort for consumptive patients though indeed many people simply needed the change of a bracing climate went there to spend a few months and came away wonderfully better for the mountain air This was what Bernardine Holme hoped to do she was broken down in every way but it was thought that a prolonged stay in Petershof might help her back to a reasonable amount of health or at least prevent her from slipping into further decline She had come alone because she had no relations except that old uncle and no money to pay any friend who might have been willing to come with her But she probably cared very little and the morning after her arrival she strolled out by herself investigating the place where she was about to spend six months She was dragging herself along when she met the Disagreeable Man She stopped him He was not accustomed to be stopped by any one and he looked rather astonished
You were not very cheering last night she said to him
I believe I am not generally considered to be lively he answered as he knocked the snow off his boot
Still I am sorry I spoke to you as I did she went on frankly It was foolish of me to mind what you said
He made no reference to his own remark and passing on his way again when he turned back and walked with her
I have been here nearly seven years he said and there was a ring of sadness in his voice as he spoke which he immediately corrected If you want to know anything about the place I can tell you If you are able to walk I can show you some lovely spots where you will not be bothered with people I can take you to a snow fairyland If you are sad and disappointed you will find shining comfort there It is not all sadness in Petershof In the silent snow forests if you dig the snow away you will find the tiny buds nestling in their white nursery If the sun does not dazzle your eyes you may always see the great mountains piercing the sky These wonders have been a happiness to me You are not too ill but that they may be a happiness to you also
Nothing can be much of a happiness to me she said half to herself and her lips quivered I have had to give up so much all my work all my ambitions
You are not the only one who has had to do that he said sharply Why make a fuss Things arrange themselves and eventually we adjust ourselves to the new arrangement A great deal of caring and grieving phase one still more caring and grieving phase two less caring and grieving phase three no further feeling whatsoever phase four Mercifully I am at phase four You are at phase one Make a quick journey over the stages
He turned and left her and she strolled along thinking of his words wondering how long it would take her to arrive at his indifference She had always looked upon indifference as paralysis of the soul and paralysis meant death nay was worse than death And here was this man who had obviously suffered both mentally and physically telling her that the only sensible course was to learn not to care How could she learn not to care All her life long she had studied and worked and cultivated herself in every direction in the hope of being able to take a high place in literature or in any case to do something in life distinctly better than what other people did When everything was coming near to her grasp when there seemed a fair chance of realizing her ambitions she had suddenly fallen ill broken up so entirely in every way that those who knew her when she was well could scarcely recognize her now that she was ill The doctors spoke of an overstrained nervous system the pestilence of these modern days they spoke of rest change of work and scene bracing air She might regain her vitality she might not Those who had played themselves out must pay the penalty She was thinking of her whole history pitying herself profoundly coming to the conclusion after true human fashion that she was the worstused person on earth and that no one but herself knew what disappointed ambitions were she was thinking of all this and looking profoundly miserable and martyrlike when some one called her by her name She looked round and saw one of the English ladies belonging to the Kurhaus Bernardine had noticed her the previous night She seemed in capital spirits and had three or four admirers waiting on her very words She was a tall handsome woman dressed in a superb furtrimmed cloak a woman of splendid bearing and address Bernardine looked a contemptible little piece of humanity beside her Some such impression conveyed itself to the two men who were walking with Mrs Reffold They looked at the one woman and then at the other and smiled at each other as men do smile on such occasions
I am going to speak to this little thing Mrs Reffold had said to her two companions before they came near Bernardine I must find out who she is and where she comes from And fancy she has come quite alone I have inquired How hopelessly out of fashion she dresses And what a hat
I should not take the trouble to speak to her said one of the men
She may fasten herself on to you You know what a bore that is
Oh I can easily snub any one if I wish replied Mrs Reffold rather disdainfully
So she hastened up to Bernardine and held out her wellgloved hand
I had not a chance of speaking to you last night Miss Holme she said You retired so early I hope you have rested after your journey You seemed quite worn out
Thank you said Bernardine looking admiringly at the beautiful woman and envying her just as all plain women envy their handsome sisters
You are not alone I suppose continued Mrs Reffold
Yes quite alone answered Bernardine
But you are evidently acquainted with Mr Allitsen your neighbour at table said Mrs Reffold so you will not feel quite lonely here It is a great advantage to have a friend at a place like this
I never saw him before last night said Bernardine
Is it possible said Mrs Reffold in her pleasantest voice Then you have made a triumph of the Disagreeable Man He very rarely deigns to talk with any of us He does not even appear to see us He sits quietly and reads It would be interesting to hear what his conversation is like I should be quite amused to know what you did talk about
I dare say you would said Bernardine quietly
Then Mrs Reffold wishing to screen her inquisitiveness plunged into a description of Petershof life speaking enthusiastically about everything except the scenery which she did not mention After a time she ventured to begin once more taking soundings But some how or other those bright eyes of Bernardine which looked at her so searchingly made her a little nervous and perhaps a little indiscreet
Your father will miss you she said tentatively
I should think probably not answered Bernardine One is not easily missed you know There was a twinkle in Bernardines eye as she added He is probably occupied with other things
What is your father asked Mrs Reffold in her most coaxing tones
I dont know what he is now answered Bernardine placidly But he was a genius He is dead
Mrs Reffold gave a slight start for she began to feel that this insignificant little person was making fun of her This would never do and before witnesses too So she gathered together her best resources and said
Dear me how very unfortunate a genius too Death is indeed cruel And here one sees so much of it that unless one learns to steel ones heart one becomes melancholy Ah it is indeed sad to see all this suffering Mrs Reffold herself had quite succeeded in steeling her heart against her own invalid husband She then gave an account of several bad cases of consumption not forgetting to mention two instances of suicide which had lately taken place in Petershof
One gentleman was a Russian she said Fancy coming all the way from Russia to this little outoftheworld place But people come from the uttermost ends of the earth though of course there are many Londoners here I suppose you are from London
I am not living in London now said Bernardine cautiously
But you know it without doubt continued Mrs Reffold There are several Kensington people here You may meet some friends indeed in our hotel there are two or three families from Lexham Gardens
Bernardine smiled a little viciously looked first at Mrs Reffolds two companions with an amused sort of indulgence and then at the lady herself She paused a moment and then said
Have you asked all the questions you wish to ask And if so may I ask one of you Where does one get the best tea
Mrs Reffold gave an inward gasp but pointed gracefully to a small confectionery shop on the other side of the road Mrs Reffold did everything gracefully
Bernardine thanked her crossed the road and passed into the shop
Now I have taught her a lesson not to interfere with me said
Bernardine to herself How beautiful she is
Mrs Reffold and her two companions went silently on their way
At last the silence was broken
Well Im blessed said the taller of the two lighting a cigar
So am I said the other lighting his cigar too
Those are precisely my own feelings remarked Mrs Reffold
But she had learnt her lesson
CHAPTER IV
CONCERNING WÄRLI AND MARIE
WÄRLI the little hunchback postman a cheery soul came whistling up the Kurhaus stairs carrying with him that precious parcel of registered letters which gave him the position of being the most important person in Petershof He was a linguist too was Wärli and could speak broken English in a most fascinating way agreeable to every one but intelligible only to himself Well he came whistling up the stairs when he heard Maries blithe voice humming her favourite spinningsong
Ei Ei he said to himself Marie is in a good temper today I will give her a call as I pass
He arranged his neckerchief and smoothed his curls and when he reached the end of the landing he paused outside a little glassdoor and all unobserved watched Marie in her pantry cleaning the candlesticks and lamps
Marie heard a knock and looking up from her work saw Wärli
Good day Wärli she said glancing hurriedly at a tiny broken mirror suspended on the wall I suppose you have a letter for me How delightful
Never mind about the letter just now he said waving his hand as though wishing to dismiss the subject How nice to hear you singing so sweetly Marie Dear me in the old days at Grüsch how often I have heard that song of the spinningwheels You have forgotten the old days Marie though you remember the song
Give me my letter Wärli and go about your work said Marie pretending to be impatient But all the same her eyes looked extremely friendly There was something very winning about the hunchbacks face
Ah ah Marie he said shaking his curly head I know how it is with you you only like people in fine binding They have not always fine hearts
What nonsense you talk Wärli said Marie There just hand me the oilcan You can fill this lamp for me Not too full you goose And this one also ah youre letting the oil trickle down Why youre not fit for anything except carrying letters Here give me my letter
What pretty flowers said Wärli Now if there is one thing I do like it is a flower Can you spare me one Marie Put one in my buttonhole do
You are a nuisance this afternoon said Marie smiling and pinning a flower on Wärlis blue coat Just then a bell rang violently
Those Portuguese ladies will drive me quite mad said Marie They always ring just when I am enjoying myself
When you are enjoying yourself said Wärli triumphantly
Of course returned Marie I always do enjoy cleaning the oillamps
I always did
Ah Id forgotten the oillamps said Wärli
And so had I laughed Marie Na na there goes that bell again Wont they be angry Wont they scold at me Here Wärli give me my letter and Ill be off
I never told you I had any letter for you remarked Wärli It was entirely your own idea Good afternoon Fräulein Marie
The Portuguese ladies bell rang again still more passionately this time but Marie did not seem to hear nor care She wished to be revenged on that impudent postman She went to the top of the stairs and called after Wärli in her most coaxing tones
Do step down one moment I want to show you something
I must deliver the registered letters said Wärli with official haughtiness I have already wasted too much of my time
Wont you waste a few more minutes on me pleaded Marie pathetically
It is not often I see you now
Wärli came down again looking very happy
I want to show you such a beautiful photograph Ive had taken said
Marie Ach it is beautiful
You must give one to me said Wärli eagerly
Oh I cant do that replied Marie as she opened the drawer and took out a small packet It was a present to me from the Polish gentleman himself He saw me the other day here in the pantry I was so tired and I had fallen asleep with my broom just as you see me here So he made a photograph of me He admires me very much Isnt it nice and isnt the Polish gentleman clever and isnt it nice to have so much attention paid to one Oh theres that horrid bell again Good afternoon Herr Wärli That is all I have to say to you thank you
Wärlis feelings towards the Polish gentleman were not of the friendliest that day
CHAPTER V
THE DISAGREEABLE MAN
ROBERT ALLITSEN told Bernardine that she was not likely to be on friendly terms with the English people in the Kurhaus
They will not care about you and you will not care about the foreigners So you will thus be thrown on your own resources just as I was when I came
I cannot say that I have any resources Bernardine answered I dont feel well enough to try to do any writing or else it would be delightful to have the uninterrupted leisure
So she had probably told him a little about her life and occupation although it was not likely that she would have given him any serious confidences Still people are often surprisingly frank about themselves even those who pride themselves upon being the most reticent mortals in the world
But now having the leisure she continued I have not the brains
I never knew any writer who had said the Disagreeable Man grimly
Perhaps your experience has been limited she suggested
Why dont you read he said There is a good library here It contains all the books we dont want to read
I am tired of reading Bernardine said I seem to have been reading all my life My uncle with whom I live keeps a secondhand bookshop and ever since I can remember I have been surrounded by books They have not done me much good nor any one else either
No probably not he said But now that you have left off reading you will have a chance of learning something if you live long enough It is wonderful how much one does learn when one does not read It is almost awful If you dont care about reading now why do you not occupy yourself with cheesemites
I do not feel drawn towards cheesemites
Perhaps not at first but all the same they form a subject which is very engaging Or any branch of bacteriology
Well if you were to lend me your microscope perhaps I might begin
I could not do that he answered quickly I never lend my things
No I did not suppose you would she said I knew I was safe in making the suggestion
You are rather quick of perception in spite of all your book reading he said Yes you are quite right I am selfish I dislike lending my things and I dislike spending my money except on myself If you have the misfortune to linger on as I do you will know that it is perfectly legitimate to be selfish in small things if one has made the one great sacrifice
And what may that be
She asked so eagerly that he looked at her and then saw how worn and tired her face was and the words which he was intending to speak died on his lips
Look at those asses of people on toboggans he said brusquely Could you manage to enjoy yourself in that way That might do you good
Yes she said but it would not be any pleasure to me
She stopped to watch the toboggans flying down the road And the Disagreeable Man went his own solitary way a forlorn figure with a face almost expressionless and a manner wholly impenetrable
He had lived nearly seven years at Petershof and like many others was obliged to continue staying there if he wished to continue staying in this planet It was not probable that he had any wish to prolong his frail existence but he did his duty to his mother by conserving his life and this feeble flame of duty and affection was the only lingering bit of warmth in a heart frozen almost by ill health and disappointed ambitions The moralists tell us that suffering ennobles and that a right acceptation of hindrances goes towards forming a beautiful character But this result must largely depend on the original character certainly in the case of Robert Allitsen suffering had not ennobled his mind nor disappointment sweetened his disposition His title of Disagreeable Man had been fairly earned and he hugged it to himself with a triumphant secret satisfaction
There were some people in Petershof who were inclined to believe certain absurd rumours about his alleged kindness It was said that on more than one occasion he had nursed the suffering and the dying in sad Petershof and with all the sorrowful tenderness worthy of a loving mother had helped them to take their leave of life But these were only rumours and there was nothing in Robert Allitsens ordinary bearing to justify such talk So the foolish people who for the sake of making themselves peculiar revived these unlikely fictions were speedily ridiculed and reduced to silence And the Disagreeable Man remained the Disagreeable Man with a clean record for unamiability
He lived a life apart from others Most of his time was occupied in photography or in the use and study of the microscope or in chemistry His photographs were considered to be most beautiful Not that he showed them specially to any one but he generally sent a specimen of his work to the Monthly Photograph Portfolio and hence it was that people learned to know of his skill He might be seen any fine day trudging along in company with his photographic apparatus and a desolate dog who looked almost as cheerless as his chosen comrade Neither the one took any notice of the other Allitsen was no more genial to the dog than he was to the Kurhaus guests the dog was no more demonstrative to Robert Allitsen than he was to any one in Petershof
Still they were something to each other that unexplainable something which has to explain almost every kind of attachment
He had no friends in Petershof and apparently had no friends anywhere No one wrote to him except his old mother the papers which were sent to him came from a stationers
He read all during mealtime But now and again he spoke a few words with Bernardine Holme whose place was next to him It never occurred to him to say good morning nor to give a greeting of any kind nor to show a courtesy One day during lunch however he did take the trouble to stoop and pick up Bernardine Holmes shawl which had fallen for the third time to the ground
I never saw a female wear a shawl more carelessly than you he said
You dont seem to know anything about it
His manner was always gruff Every one complained of him Every one always had complained of him He had never been heard to laugh Once or twice he had been seen to smile on occasions when people talked confidently of recovering their health It was a beautiful smile worthy of a better cause It was a smile which made one pause to wonder what could have been the original disposition of the Disagreeable Man before illhealth had cut him off from the affairs of active life Was he happy or unhappy It was not known He gave no sign of either the one state or the other He always looked very ill but he did not seem to get worse He had never been known to make the faintest allusion to his own health He never smoked his thermometer in public and this was the more remarkable in an hotel where people would even leave off a conversation and say Excuse me Sir or Madam I must now take my temperature We will resume the topic in a few minutes
He never lent any papers or books and he never borrowed any
He had a room at the top of the hotel and he lived his life amongst his chemistry bottles his scientific books his microscope and his camera He never sat in any of the hotel drawingrooms There was nothing striking nor eccentric about his appearance He was neither ugly nor goodlooking neither tall nor short neither fair nor dark He was thin and frail and rather bent But that might be the description of any one in Petershof There was nothing pathetic about him no suggestion even of poetry which gives a reverence to suffering whether mental or physical As there was no expression on his face so also there was no expression in his eyes no distant longing no faroff fixedness nothing indeed to awaken sad sympathy
The only positive thing about him was his rudeness Was it natural or cultivated No one in Petershof could say He had always been as he was and there was no reason to suppose that he would ever be different
He was in fact like the glacier of which he had such a fine view from his room like the glacier an unchanging feature of the neighbourhood
No one loved it better than the Disagreeable Man did he watched the sunlight on it now pale golden now fiery red He loved the sky the dull grey or the bright blue He loved the snow forests and the snowgirt streams and the ice cathedrals and the great firs patient beneath their snowburden He loved the frozen waterfalls and the costly diamonds in the snow He knew too where the flowers nestled in their white nursery He was indeed an authority on Alpine botany The same tender hands which plucked the flowers in the springtime dissected them and laid them bare beneath the microscope But he did not love them the less for that
Were these pursuits a comfort to him Did they help him to forget that there was a time when he too was burning with ambition to distinguish himself and be one of the marked men of the age
Who could say
CHAPTER VI
THE TRAVELLER AND THE TEMPLE OF KNOWLEDGE.
COUNTLESS ages ago a Traveller much worn with journeying climbed up the last bit of rough road which led to the summit of a high mountain There was a temple on that mountain And the Traveller had vowed that he would reach it before death prevented him He knew the journey was long and the road rough He knew that the mountain was the most difficult of ascent of that mountain chain called The Ideals But he had a stronglyhoping heart and a sure foot He lost all sense of time but he never lost the feeling of hope
Even if I faint by the wayside he said to himself and am not able to reach the summit still it is something to be on the road which leads to the High Ideals
That was how he comforted himself when he was weary He never lost more hope than that and surely that was little enough
And now he had reached the temple
He rang the bell and an old whitehaired man opened the gate He smiled sadly when he saw the Traveller
And yet another one he murmured What does it all mean
The Traveller did not hear what he murmured
Old whitehaired man he said tell me and so I have come at last to the wonderful Temple of Knowledge. I have been journeying hither all my life Ah but it is hard work climbing up to the Ideals
The old man touched the Traveller on the arm Listen he said gently This is not the Temple of Knowledge. And the Ideals are not a chain of mountains they are a stretch of plains and the Temple of Knowledge is in their centre You have come the wrong road Alas poor Traveller
The light in the Travellers eyes had faded The hope in his heart died
And he became old and withered He leaned heavily on his staff
Can one rest here he asked wearily
No
Is there a way down the other side of these mountains
No
What are these mountains called
They have no name
And the temple—how do you call the temple
It has no name
Then I call it the Temple of Broken Hearts said the Traveller
And he turned and went But the old whitehaired man followed him
Brother he said you are not the first to come here but you may be the last Go back to the plains and tell the dwellers in the plains that the Temple of True Knowledge is in their very midst any one may enter it who chooses the gate is not even closed The Temple has always been in the plains in the very heart of life and work and daily effort The philosopher may enter the stonebreaker may enter You must have passed it every day of your life a plain venerable building unlike your glorious cathedrals
I have seen the children playing near it said the Traveller When I was a child I used to play there Ah if I had only known Well the past is the past
He would have rested against a huge stone but that the old whitehaired man prevented him
Do not rest he said If you once rest there you will not rise again
When you once rest you will know how weary you are
I have no wish to go farther said the Traveller My journey is done it may have been in the wrong direction but still it is done
Nay do not linger here urged the old man Retrace your steps Though you are brokenhearted yourself you may save others from breaking their hearts Those whom you meet on this road you can turn back Those who are but starting in this direction you can bid pause and consider how mad it is to suppose that the Temple of True Knowledge should have been built on an isolated and dangerous mountain Tell them that although God seems hard He is not as hard as all that Tell them that the Ideals are not a mountain range but their own plains where their great cities are built and where the corn grows and where men and women are toiling sometimes in sorrow and sometimes in joy
I will go said the Traveller
And he started
But he had grown old and weary And the journey was long and the retracing of ones steps is more toilsome than the tracing of them The ascent with all the vigour and hope of life to help him had been difficult enough the descent with no vigour and no hope to help him was almost impossible
So that it was not probable that the Traveller lived to reach the plains
But whether he reached them or not still he had started
And not many Travellers do that
CHAPTER VII
BERNARDINE
THE crisp mountain air and the warm sunshine began slowly to have their effect on Bernardine in spite of the Disagreeable Mans verdict She still looked singularly lifeless and appeared to drag herself about with painful effort but the place suited her and she enjoyed sitting in the sun listening to the music which was played by a scratchy string band Some of the Kurhaus guests seeing that she was alone and ailing made some attempts to be kindly to her She always seemed astonished that people should concern themselves about her whatever her faults were it never struck her that she might be of any importance to others however important she might be to herself She was grateful for any little kindness which was shewn her but at first she kept very much to herself talking chiefly with the Disagreeable Man who by the way had surprised every one—but no one more than himself—by his unwonted behaviour in bestowing even a fraction of his companionship on a Petershof human being
There was a great deal of curiosity about her but no one ventured to question her since Mrs Reffolds defeat Mrs Reffold herself rather avoided her having always a vague suspicion that Bernardine tried to make fun of her But whether out of perversity or not Bernardine never would be avoided by her never let her pass by without a few words of conversation and always went to her for information much to the amusement of Mrs Reffolds faithful attendants There was always a twinkle in Bernardines eye when she spoke with Mrs Reffold She never fastened herself on to any one no one could say she intruded As time went on there was a vague sort of feeling that she did not intrude enough She was ready to speak if any one cared to speak with her but she never began a conversation except with Mrs Reffold When people did talk to her they found her genial Then the sad face would smile kindly and the sad eyes speak kind sympathy Or some bit of fun would flash forth and a peal of young laughter ring out It seemed strange that such fun could come from her
Those who noticed her said she appeared always to be thinking
She was thinking and learning
Some few remarks roughly made by the Disagreeable Man had impressed her deeply
You have come to a new world he said the world of suffering You are in a fury because your career has been checked and because you have been put on the shelf you of all people Now you will learn how many quite as able as yourself and abler have been put on the shelf too and have to stay there You are only a pupil in suffering What about the professors If your wonderful wisdom has left you with any sense at all look about you and learn
So she was looking and thinking and learning And as the days went by perhaps a softer light came into her eyes
All her life long her standard of judging people had been an intellectual standard or an artistic standard what people had done with outward and visible signs how far they had contributed to thought how far they had influenced any great movement or originated it how much of a benefit they had been to their century or their country how much social or political activity how much educational energy they had devoted to the pressing need of the times
She was undoubtedly a clever cultured young woman the great work of her life had been selfculture To know and understand she had spared neither herself nor any one else To know and to use her acquired knowledge intellectually as teacher and perhaps too as writer had been the great aim of her life Everything that furthered this aim won her instant attention It never struck her that she was selfish One does not think of that until the great check comes One goes on and would go on But a barrier rises up Then finding one can advance no further one turns round and what does one see
Bernardine saw that she had come a long journey She saw what the Traveller saw That was all she saw at first Then she remembered that she had done the journey entirely for her own sake Perhaps it might not have looked so dreary if it had been undertaken for some one else
She had claimed nothing of any one she had given nothing to any one She had simply taken her life in her own hands and made what she could of it What had she made of it
Many women asked for riches for position for influence and authority and admiration She had only asked to be able to work It seemed little enough to ask That she asked so little placed her so she thought apart from the common herd of eager askers To be cut off from active life and earnest work was a possibility which never occurred to her
It never crossed her mind that in asking for the one thing for which she longed she was really asking for the greatest thing Now in the hour of her enfeeblement and in the hour of the bitterness of her heart she still prided herself upon wanting so little
It seems so little to ask she cried to herself time after time I only want to be able to do a few strokes of work I would be content now to do so little if only I might do some The laziest daylabourer on the road would laugh at the small amount of work which would content me now
She told the Disagreeable Man that one day
So you think you are moderate in your demands he said to her You are a most amusing young woman You are so perfectly unconscious how exacting you really are For after all what is it you want You want to have that wonderful brain of yours restored so that you may begin to teach and perhaps write a book Well to repeat my former words you are still at phase one and you are longing to be strong enough to fulfil your ambitions and write a book When you arrive at phase four you will be quite content to dust one of your uncles books instead far more useful work and far more worthy of encouragement If every one who wrote books now would be satisfied to dust books already written what a regenerated world it would become
She laughed goodtemperedly His remarks did not vex her or at least she showed no vexation He seemed to have constituted himself as her critic and she made no objections She had given him little bits of stray confidence about herself and she received everything he had to say with that kind of forbearance which chivalry bids us show to the weak and ailing She made allowances for him but she did more than that for him she did not let him see that she made allowances Moreover she recognized amidst all his roughness a certain kind of sympathy which she could not resent because it was not aggressive For to some natures the expression of sympathy is an irritation to be sympathized with means to be pitied and to be pitied means to be looked down upon She was sorry for him but she would not have told him so for worlds he would have shrunk from pity as much as she did And yet the sympathy which she thought she did not want for herself she was silently giving to those around her like herself thwarted each in a different way perhaps still thwarted all the same
She found more than once that she was learning to measure people by a standard different from her former one not by what they had done or been but by what they had suffered But such a change as this does not come suddenly though in a place like Petershof it comes quickly almost unconsciously
She became immensely interested in some of the guests and there were curious types in the Kurhaus The foreigners attracted her chiefly a little Parisian danseuse none too quiet in her manner won Bernardines fancy
I so want to get better chérie she said to Bernardine Life is so bright Death ah how the very thought makes one shiver That horrid doctor says I must not skate it is not wise When was I wise Wise people dont enjoy themselves And I have enjoyed myself and will still
How can you go about with that little danseuse the Disagreeable Man said to Bernardine one day Do you know who she is
Yes said Bernardine she is the lady who thinks you must be a very illbred person because you stalk into meals with your hands in your pockets She wondered how I could bring myself to speak to you
I dare say many people wonder at that said Robert Allitsen rather peevishly
Oh no replied Bernardine they wonder that you talk to me They think I must either be very clever or else very disagreeable
I should not call you clever said Robert Allitsen grimly
No answered Bernardine pensively But I always did think myself clever until I came here Now I am beginning to know better But it is rather a shock isnt it
I have never experienced the shock he said
Then you still think you are clever she asked
There is only one man my intellectual equal in Petershof and he is not here any more he said gravely Now I come to remember he died That is the worst of making friendships here people die
Still it is something to be left king of the intellectual world said Bernardine I never thought of you in that light
There was a sly smile about her lips as she spoke and there was the ghost of a smile on the Disagreeable Mans face
Why do you talk with that horrid Swede he said suddenly He is a wretched low foreigner Have you heard some of his views
Some of them answered Bernardine cheerfully One of his views is really amusing that it is very rude of you to read the newspaper during mealtime and he asks if it is an English custom I tell him it depends entirely on the Englishman and the Englishmans neighbour
So she too had her raps at him but always in the kindest way
He had a curious effect on her His very bitterness seemed to check in its growth her own bitterness The cup of poison of which he himself had drunk deep he passed on to her She drank of it and it did not poison her She was morbid and she needed cheerful companionship His dismal companionship and his hard way of looking at life ought by rights to have oppressed her Instead of which she became less sorrowful
Was the Disagreeable Man perhaps a reader of character Did he know how to help her in his own grim gruff way He himself had suffered so much perhaps he did know
CHAPTER VIII
THE STORY MOVES ON AT LAST
BERNARDINE was playing chess one day with the Swedish Professor On the Kurhaus terrace the guests were sunning themselves warmly wrapped up to protect themselves from the cold and wellprovided with parasols to protect themselves from the glare Some were reading some were playing cards or Russian dominoes and others were doing nothing There was a good deal of fun and a great deal of screaming amongst the Portuguese colony The little danseuse and three gentlemen acquaintances were drinking coffee and not behaving too quietly Pretty Fräulein Müller was leaning over her balcony carrying on a conversation with a picturesque Spanish youth below Most of the English party had gone sledging and tobogganing Mrs Reffold had asked Bernardine to join them but she had refused Mrs Reffolds friends were anything but attractive to Bernardine although she liked Mrs Reffold herself immensely There was no special reason why she should like her she certainly had no cause to admire her everyday behaviour nor her neglect of her invalid husband who was passing away uncared for in the present and not likely to be mourned for in the future Mrs Reffold was gay careless and beautiful She understood nothing about nursing and cared less So a trained nurse looked after Mr Reffold and Mrs Reffold went sledging
Dear Wilfrid is so unselfish she said He will not have me stay at home But I feel very selfish That was her stock remark Most people answered her by saying Oh no Mrs Reffold dont say that But when she made the remark to Bernardine and expected the usual reply Bernardine said instead Mr Reffold seems lonely
Oh he has a trained nurse and she can read to him said Mrs Reffold hurriedly She seemed ruffled
I had a trained nurse once replied Bernardine and she could read but she would not She said it hurt her throat
Dear me how very unfortunate for you said Mrs Reffold Ah there is Captain Graham calling I must not keep the sledges waiting
That was a few days ago but today when Bernardine was playing chess with the Swedish Professor Mrs Reffold came to her There was a curious mixture of shyness and abandon in Mrs Reffolds manner
Miss Holme she said I have thought of such a splendid idea Will you go and see Mr Reffold this afternoon That would be a nice little change for him
Bernardine smiled
If you wish it she answered
Mrs Reffold nodded and hastened away and Bernardine continued her game and having finished it rose to go
The Reffolds were rich and lived in a suite of apartments in the more luxurious part of the Kurhaus
Bernardine knocked at the door and the nurse came to open it
Mrs Reffold asks me to visit Mr Reffold Bernardine said and the nurse showed her into the pleasant sittingroom
Mr Reffold was lying on the sofa He looked up as Bernardine came in and a smile of pleasure spread over his wan face
I dont know whether I intrude said Bernardine but Mrs Reffold said I might come to see you
Mr Reffold signed to the nurse to withdraw
She had never before spoken to him She had often seen him lying by himself in the sunshine
Are you paid for coming to me asked eagerly
The words seemed rude enough but there was no rudeness in the manner
No I am not paid she said gently and then she took a chair and sat near him
Ah thats well he said with a sigh of relief Im so tired of paid service To know that things are done for me because a certain amount of francs are given so that those things may be done—well one gets weary of it thats all
There was bitterness in every word he spoke I lie here he said and the loneliness of it—the loneliness of it
Shall I read to you she asked kindly She did not know what to say to him
I want to talk first he replied I want to talk first to some one who is not paid for talking to me I have often watched you and wondered who you were Why do you look so sad No one is waiting for you to die
Dont talk like that she said and she bent over him and arranged the cushions for him more comfortably He looked just like a great lank tired child
Are you one of my wifes friends he asked
I dont suppose I am she answered gently but I like her all the same Indeed I like her very much And I think her beautiful
Ah she is beautiful he said eagerly Doesnt she look splendid in her furs By Jove you are right She is a beautiful woman I am proud of her
Then the smile faded from his face
Beautiful he said half to himself but hard
Come now said Bernardine you are surrounded with books and newspapers What shall I read to you
No one reads what I want he answered peevishly My tastes are not their tastes I dont suppose you would care to read what I want to hear
Well she said cheerily try me Make your choice
Very well the Sporting and Dramatic he said Read every word of that And about that theatrical divorce case And every word of that too Dont you skip and cheat me
She laughed and settled herself down to amuse him And he listened contentedly
That is something like literature he said once or twice I can understand papers of that sort going like wildfire
When he was tired of being read to she talked to him in a manner that would have astonished the Disagreeable Man not of books nor learning but of people she had met and of Places she had seen and there was fun in everything she said She knew London well and she could tell him about the Jewish and the Chinese quarters and about her adventures in company with a man who took her here there and everywhere
She made him some tea and she cheered the poor fellow as he had not been cheered for months
Youre just a little brick he said when she was leaving Then once more he added eagerly
And youre not to be paid are you
Not a single sou she laughed What a strange idea of yours
You are not offended he said anxiously But you cant think what a difference it makes to me You are not offended
Not in the least she answered I know quite well how you mean it You want a little kindness with nothing at the back of it Now goodbye
He called her when she was outside the door
I say will you come again soon
Yes I will come tomorrow
Do you know youve been a little brick I hope I havent tired you You are only a bit of a thing yourself But by Jove you know how to put a fellow in a good temper
When Mrs Reffold went down to tabledhôte that night she met
Bernardine on the stairs and stopped to speak with her
Weve had a splendid afternoon she said and weve arranged to go again tomorrow at the same time Such a pity you dont come Oh by the way thank you for going to see my husband I hope he did not tire you He is a little querulous I think He so enjoyed your visit Poor fellow it is sad to see him so ill isnt it
CHAPTER IX
BERNARDINE PREACHES
AFTER this scarcely a day passed but Bernardine went to see Mr Reffold
The most inexperienced eye could have known that he was becoming rapidly
worse Marie the chambermaid knew it and spoke of it frequently to
Bernardine
The poor lonely fellow she said time after time
Every one except Mrs Reffold seemed to recognize that Mr Reffolds days were numbered Either she did not or would not understand She made no alteration in the disposal of her time sledging parties and skating picnics were the order of the day she was thoroughly pleased with herself and received the attentions of her admirers as a matter of course The Petershof climate had got into her head and it is a wellknown fact that this glorious air has the effect on some people of banishing from their minds all inconvenient notions of duty and devotion and all memory of the special object of their sojourn in Petershof The coolness and calmness with which such people ignore their responsibilities or allow strangers to assume them would be an occasion for humour if it were not an opportunity for indignation though indeed it would take a very exceptionally soberminded spectator not to get some fun out of the blissful selfsatisfaction and unconsciousness which characterize the most negligent of caretakers
Mrs Reffold was not the only sinner in this respect It would have been interesting to get together a teaparty of invalids alone and set the ball rolling about the respective behaviours of their respective friends Not a pleasing chronicle no very choice pages to add to the book of real life still valuable items in their way representative of the actual as opposed to the ideal In most instances there would have been ample testimony to that cruel monster known as Neglect
Bernardine spoke once to the Disagreeable Man on this subject She spoke with indignation and he answered with indifference shrugging his shoulders
These things occur he said It is not that they are worse here than everywhere else it is simply that they are together in an accumulated mass and as such strike us with tremendous force I myself am accustomed to these exhibitions of selfishness and neglect I should be astonished if they did not take place Dont mix yourself up with anything If people are neglected they are neglected and there is the end of it To imagine that you or I are going to do any good by filling up the breach is simply an insanity leading to unnecessarily disagreeable consequences I know you go to see Mr Reffold Take my advice and keep away
You speak like a Calvinist she answered rather ruffled with the quintessence of self-protectiveness and I dont believe you mean a word you say
My dear young woman he said we are not living in a poetry book bound with gilt edges We are living in a paperbacked volume of prose Be sensible Dont ruffle yourself on account of other people Dont even trouble to criticize them it is only a nuisance to yourself All this simply points back to my first suggestion fill up your time with some hobby cheesemites or the influenza bacillus and then you will be quite content to let people be neglected lonely and to die You will look upon it as an ordinary and natural process
She waved her hand as though to stop him
There are days she said when I cant bear to talk with you And this is one of them
I am sorry he answered quite gently for him And he moved away from her and started for his usual lonely walk
Bernardine turned home intending to go to see Mr Reffold He had become quite attached to her and looked forward eagerly to her visits He said her voice was gentle and her manner quiet there was no bustling vitality about her to irritate his worn nerves He was probably an emptyheaded stupid fellow but it was none the less sad to see him passing away
He called her Little Brick He said that no other epithet suited her so exactly He was quite satisfied now that she was not paid for coming to see him As for the reading no one could read the Sporting and Dramatic News and the Era so well as Little Brick Sometimes he spoke with her about his wife but only in general terms of bitterness and not always complainingly She listened and said nothing
Im a chap that wants very little he said once Those who want little get nothing
That was all he said but Bernardine knew to whom he referred
Today as Bernardine was on her way back to the Kurhaus she was thinking constantly of Mrs Reffold and wondering whether she ought to be made to realize that her husband was becoming rapidly worse Whilst engrossed with this thought a long train of sledges and toboggans passed her The sound of the bells and the noisy merriment made her look up and she saw beautiful Mrs Reffold amongst the pleasureseekers
If only I dared tell her now said Bernardine to herself loudly and before them all
Then a more sensible mood came over her After all it is not my affair she said
And the sledges passed away out of hearing
When Bernardine sat with Mr Reffold that afternoon she did not mention that she had seen his wife He coughed a great deal and seemed to be worse than usual and complained of fever But he liked to have her and would not hear of her going
Stay he said It is not much of a pleasure to you but it is a great pleasure to me
There was an anxious look on his face such a look as people wear when they wish to ask some question of great moment but dare not begin
At last he seemed to summon up courage
Little Brick he said in a weak low voice I have something on my mind You wont laugh I know Youre not the sort I know youre clever and thoughtful and all that you could tell me more than all the parsons put together I know youre clever my wife says so She says only a very clever woman would wear such boots and hats
Bernardine smiled
Well she said kindly tell me
You must have thought a good deal I suppose he continued about life and death and that sort of thing Ive never thought at all Does it matter Little Brick Its too late now I cant begin to think But speak to me tell me what you think Do you believe we get another chance and are glad to behave less like curs and brutes Or is it all ended in that lonely little churchyard here Ive never troubled about these things before but now I know I am so near that gloomy little churchyard—well it makes me wonder As for the Bible I never cared to read it I was never much of a reader though Ive got through two or three firework novels and sporting stories Does it matter Little Brick
How do I know she said gently How does any one know People say they know but it is all a great mystery—nothing but a mystery Everything that we say, can be but a guess People have gone mad over their guessing or they have broken their hearts But still the mystery remains and we cannot solve it
If you dont know anything Little Brick he said at least tell me what you think and dont be too learned remember Im only a brainless fellow
He seemed to be waiting eagerly for her answer
If I were you she said I should not worry Just make up your mind to do better when you get another chance One cant do more than that That is what I shall think of that God will give each one of us another chance and that each one of us will take it and do better—I and you and every one So there is no need to fret over failure when one hopes one may be allowed to redeem that failure later on Besides which life is very hard Why we ourselves recognize that If there be a God some Intelligence greater than human intelligence he will understand better than ourselves that life is very hard and difficult and he will be astonished not because we are not better but because we are not worse At least that would be my notion of a God I should not worry if I were you Just make up your mind to do better if you get the chance and be content with that
If that is what you think Little Brick he answered it is quite good enough for me And it does not matter about prayers and the Bible and all that sort of thing
I dont think it matters she said I never have thought such things mattered What does matter is to judge gently and not to come down like a sledgehammer on other peoples failings Who are we any of us that we should be hard on others
And not come down like a sledgehammer on other peoples failings he repeated slowly I wonder if I have ever judged gently
I believe you have she answered
He shook his head
No he said I have been a paltry fellow I have been lying here and elsewhere too eating my heart away with bitterness until you came Since then I have sometimes forgotten to feel bitter A little kindness does away with a great deal of bitterness
He turned wearily on his side
I think I could sleep Little Brick he said almost in a whisper
I want to dream about your sermon And Im not to worry am I
No she answered as she stepped noiselessly across the room you are not to worry
CHAPTER X
THE DISAGREEABLE MAN IS SEEN IN A NEW LIGHT
ONE specially fine morning a knock came at Bernardines door She opened it and found Robert Allitsen standing there trying to recover his breath
I am going to Loschwitz a village about twelve miles off he said
And I have ordered a sledge Do you care to come too
If I may pay my share she said
Of course he answered I did not suppose you would like to be paid for any better than I should like to pay for you
Bernardine laughed
When do we start she asked
Now he answered Bring a rug and also that shawl of yours which is always falling down and come at once without any fuss We shall be out for the whole day What about Mrs Grundy We could manage to take her if you wished but she would not be comfortable sitting amongst the photographic apparatus and I certainly should not give up my seat to her
Then leave her at home said Bernardine cheerily
And so they settled it
In less than a quarter of an hour they had started and Bernardine leaned luxuriously back to enjoy to the full her first sledgedrive
It was all new to her the swift passing through the crisp air without any sensation of motion; the sleepy tinkling of the bells on the horses heads the noiseless cutting through of the snowpath
All these weeks she had known nothing of the country and now she found herself in the snow fairyland of which the Disagreeable Man had often spoken to her Around vast plains of untouched snow whiter than any dream of whiteness jewelled by the sunshine with priceless diamonds numberless as the sands of the sea The great pines bearing their burden of snow patiently others less patient having shaken themselves free from what the heavens had sent them to bear And now the streams flowing on reluctantly over icecoated rocks and the ice cathedrals formed by the icicles between the rocks
And always the same silence save for the tinkling of the horses bells
On the heights the quaint chalets some merely huts for storing wood on others farms or the homes of peasants some dark brown almost black betraying their age others of a paler hue showing that the sun had not yet mellowed them into a deep rich colour And on all alike the fringe of icicles A wonderful white world
It was a long time before Bernardine even wished to speak This beautiful whiteness may become monotonous after a time but there is something very aweinspiring about it something which catches the soul and holds it
The Disagreeable Man sat quietly by her side Once or twice he bent forward to protect the camera when the sledge gave a lurch
After some time they met a procession of sledges laden with timber and August the driver and Robert Allitsen exchanged some fun and merriment with the drivers in their quaint blue smocks The noise of the conversation and the excitement of getting past the sledges brought Bernardine back to speech again
I have never before enjoyed anything so much she said
So you have found your tongue he said Do you mind talking a little now I feel rather lonely
This was said in such a pathetic aggrieved tone that Bernardine laughed and looked at her companion His face wore an unusually bright expression He was evidently out to enjoy himself
You talk she said and tell me all about the country
And he told her what he knew and amongst other things about the avalanches He was able to point out where some had fallen the previous year He stopped in the middle of his conversation to tell her to put up her umbrella
I cant trouble to hold it for you he said but I dont mind opening it The sun is blazing today and you will get your eyes bad if you are not careful That would be a pity for you seem to me rather better lately
What a confession for you to make of any one said she
Oh I dont mean to say that you will ever get well he added grimly You seem to have pulled yourself in too many directions for that You have tried to be too alive and now you are obliged to join the genus cabbage
I am certainly less ill than I was when I first came she said and I feel in a better frame of mind altogether I am learning a good deal in sad Petershof
That is more than I have done he answered
Well perhaps you teach instead she said You have taught me several things Now go on telling me about the country people You like them
I love them he said simply I know them well and they know me You see I have been in this district so long now and have walked about so much that the very wood cutters know me and the drivers give me lifts on their piles of timber
You are not surly with the poor people then said Bernardine though I must say I cannot imagine you being genial Were you ever genial I wonder
I dont think that has ever been laid to my charge he answered
The time passed away pleasantly The Disagreeable Man was scarcely himself today or was it that he was more like himself He seemed in a boyish mood he made fun out of nothing and laughed with such young fresh laughter that even August the grave bluespectacled driver was moved to mirth As for Bernardine she had to look at Robert Allitsen several times to be sure that he was the same Robert Allitsen she had known two hours ago in Petershof But she made no remark and showed no surprise but met his merriness half way No one could be a cheerier companion than herself when she chose
At last they arrived at Loschwitz The sledge wound its way through the sloshy streets of the queer little village and finally drew up in front of the Gasthaus It was a black sunburnt châlet with green shutters and steps leading up to a green balcony A fringe of sausages hung from the roof red bedding was scorching in the sunshine three cats were sunning themselves on the steps a young woman sat in the green balcony knitting There were some curious inscriptions on the walls of the châlet and the date was distinctly marked 1670
An old woman over the way sat in her doorway spinning She looked up as the sledge stopped before the Gasthaus but the young woman in the green balcony went on knitting and saw nothing
A buxom elderly Hausfrau came out to greet the guests She wore a naturally kind expression on her old face but when she saw who the gentleman was the kindness positive increased to kindness superlative
She first retired and called out
Liza Fritz Liza Trüdchen come quickly
Then she came back and cried
Herr Allitsen what a surprise
She shook his hand times without number greeted Bernardine with motherly tenderness and interspersed all her remarks with frantic cries of Liza Fritz Trüdchen make haste
She became very hot and excited and gesticulated violently
All this time the young woman sat knitting but not looking up She had been beautiful but her face was worn now and her eyes had that vacant stare which betokened the vacant mind
The mother whispered to Robert Allitsen
She notices no one now she sits there always waiting
Tears came into the kind old eyes
Robert Allitsen went and bent down to the young woman and held out his hand
Catharina he said gently
She looked up then and saw him and recognized him
Then the sad face smiled a welcome
He sat near her and took her knitting in his hand pretending to examine what she had done chatting to her quietly all the time He asked her what she had been doing with herself since he had last seen her and she said
Waiting I am always waiting
He knew that she referred to her lover who had been lost in an avalanche the eve before their wedding morning That was four years ago but Catharina was still waiting Allitsen remembered her as a bright young girl singing in the Gasthaus waiting cheerfully on the guests a bright gracious presence No one could cook trout as she could many a dish of trout had she served up for him And now she sat in the sunshine knitting and waiting scarcely ever looking up That was her life
Catharina he said as he gave her back her knitting do you remember how you used to cook me the trout
Another smile passed over her face Yes she remembered
Will you cook me some today
She shook her head and returned to her knitting
Bernardine watched the Disagreeable Man with amazement She could not have believed that his manner could be so tender and kindly The old mother standing near her whispered
He was always so good to us all we love him every one of us When poor Catharina was betrothed five years ago it was to Herr Allitsen we first told the good news He has a wonderful way about him—just look at him with Catharina now She has not noticed any one for months but she knows him you see
At that moment the other members of the household came Liza Fritz and Trüdchen Liza a maiden of nineteen of the homely Swiss type Fritz a handsome lad of fourteen and Trüdchen just free from school with her schoolsatchel swung on her back There was no shyness in their greeting the Disagreeable Man was evidently an old and muchloved friend and inspired confidence not awe Trüdchen fumbled in his coat pocket and found what she expected to find there some sweets which she immediately began to eat perfectly contented and selfsatisfied She smiled and nodded at Robert Allitsen as though to reassure him that the sweets were not bad and that she was enjoying them
Liza will see to lunch said the old mother You shall have some mutton cutlets and some forellen But before she goes she has something to tell you
I am betrothed to Hans Liza said blushing
I always knew you were fond of Hans said the Disagreeable Man He is a good fellow Liza and Im glad you love him But havent you just teased him
That was good for him Liza said brightly
Is he here today Robert Allitsen asked
Liza nodded
Then I shall take your photographs he said
While they had been speaking Catharina rose from her seat and passed into the house
Her mother followed her and watched her go into the kitchen
I should like to cook the forellen she said very quietly
It was months since she had done anything in the house The old mothers heart beat with pleasure
Catharina my best loved child she whispered and she gathered the poor suffering soul near to her
In about half an hour the Disagreeable Man and Bernardine sat down to their meal Robert Allitsen had ordered a bottle of Sassella and he was just pouring it out when Catharina brought in the forellen
Why Catharina he said you dont mean youve cooked them Then they will be good She smiled and seemed pleased and then went out of the room
Then he told Bernardine her history and spoke with such kindness and sympathy that Bernardine was again amazed at him But she made no remark
Catharina was always sorry that I was ill he said When I stayed here as I have done for weeks together she used to take every care of me And it was a kindly sympathy which I could not resent In those days I was suffering more than I have done for a long time now and she was very pitiful She could not bear to hear me cough I used to tell her that she must learn not to feel But you see she did not learn her lesson for when this trouble came on her she felt too much And you see what she is
They had a cheery meal together and then Bernardine talked with the old mother whilst the Disagreeable Man busied himself with his camera Liza was for putting on her best dress and doing her hair in some wonderful way But he would not hear of such a thing But seeing that she looked disappointed he gave in and said she should be photographed just as she wished and off she ran to change her attire She went up to her room a picturesque homely working girl and she came down a tidy awkwardlooking young woman with all her finery on and all her charm off
The Disagreeable Man grunted but said nothing
Then Hans arrived and then came the posing which caused much amusement They both stood perfectly straight just as a soldier stands before presenting arms Both faces were perfectly expressionless The Disagreeable Man was in despair
Look happy he entreated
They tried to smile but the anxiety to do so produced an expression of melancholy which was too much for the gravity of the photographer He laughed heartily
Look as though you werent going to be photographed he suggested Liza for goodness sake look as though you were baking the bread and Hans try and believe that you are doing some of your beautiful carving
The patience of the photographer was something wonderful At last he succeeded in making them appear at their ease And then he told Liza that she must go and change her dress and be photographed now in the way he wished She came down again looking fifty times prettier in her working clothes
Now he was in his element He arranged Liza and Hans on the sledge of timber which had then driven up and made a picturesque group of them all Hans and Liza sitting side by side on the timber the horses standing there so patiently after their long journey through the forests the driver leaning against his sledge smoking his long china pipe
That will be something like a picture he said to Bernardine when the performance was over Now I am going for about a miles walk Will you come with me and see what I am going to photograph or will you rest here till I come back
She chose the latter and during his absence was shown the treasures and possessions of a Swiss peasants home
She was taken to see the cows in the stalls and had a lecture given her on the respective merits of Schneewitchen a white cow Kartoffelkuehen a dark brown one and Röslein the beauty of them all Then she looked at the spinningwheel and watched the old Hausfrau turn the treadle And so the time passed Bernardine making good friends of them all Catharina had returned to her knitting and began working and as before not noticing any one But Bernardine sat by her side playing with the cat and after a time Catharina looked up at Bernardines little thin face and after some hesitation stroked it gently with her hand
Fräulein is not strong she said tenderly If Fräulein lived here
I should take care of her
That was a remnant of Catharinas past She had always loved everything that was ailing and weakly
Her hand rested on Bernardines hand Bernardine pressed it in kindly sympathy thinking the while of the girls past happiness and present bereavement
Liza is betrothed she said as though to herself They dont tell me but I know I was betrothed once
She went on knitting And that was all she said of herself
Then after a pause she said
Fräulein is betrothed
Bernardine smiled and shook her head and Catharina made no further inquiries But she looked up from her work from time to time and seemed pleased that Bernardine still stayed with her At last the old mother came to say that the coffee was ready and Bernardine followed her into the parlour
She watched Bernardine drinking the coffee and finally poured herself out a cup too
This is the first time Herr Allitsen has ever brought a friend she said He has always been alone Fräulein is betrothed to Herr Allitsen— is that so Ah I am glad He is so good and so kind
Bernardine stopped drinking her coffee
No I am not betrothed she said cheerily We are just friends and not always that either We quarrel
All lovers do that persisted Frau Steinhart triumphantly
Well you ask him yourself said Bernardine much amused She had never looked upon Robert Allitsen in that light before See there he comes
Bernardine was not present at the court martial but this was what occurred Whilst the Disagreeable Man was paying the reckoning Frau Steinhart said in her most motherly tones
Fräulein is a very dear young lady Herr Allitsen has made a wise choice He is betrothed at last
The Disagreeable Man stopped counting out the money
Stupid old Frau Steinhart he said goodnaturedly People like myself dont get betrothed We get buried instead
Na na she answered What a thing to say—and so unlike you too
No but tell me
Well I am telling you the truth he replied If you wont believe me ask Fräulein herself
I have asked her said Frau Steinhart and she told me to ask you
The Disagreeable Man was much amused He had never thought of Bernardine in that way
He paid the bill and then did something which rather astonished Frau
Steinhart and half convinced her
He took the bill to Bernardine told her the amount of her share and she repaid him then and there
There was a twinkle in her eye as she looked up at him Then the composure of her features relaxed and she laughed
He laughed too but no comment was made upon the episode Then began the goodbyes and the preparations for the return journey
Bernardine bent over Catharina and kissed her sad face
Fräulein will come again she whispered eagerly
And Bernardine promised There was something in Bernardines manner which had won the poor girls fancy some unspoken sympathy some quiet geniality
Just as they were starting Frau Steinhart whispered to Robert Allitsen
It is a little disappointing to me Herr Allitsen I did so hope you were betrothed
August the bluespectacled driver cracked his whip and off the horses started homewards
For some time there was no conversation between the two occupants of the sledge Bernardine was busy thinking about the experiences of the day and the Disagreeable Man seemed in a brown study At last he broke the silence by asking her how she liked his friends and what she thought of Swiss home life and so the time passed pleasantly
He looked at her once and said she seemed cold
You are not warmly clothed he said I have an extra coat Put it on dont make a fuss but do so at once I know the climate and you dont
She obeyed and said she was all the cosier for it As they were nearing
Petershof he said halfnervously
So my friends took you for my betrothed I hope you are not offended
Why should I be she said frankly I was only amused because there never were two people less loverlike than you and I are
No thats quite true he replied in a tone of voice which betokened relief
So that I really dont see that we need concern ourselves further in the matter she added wishing to put him quite at his ease Im not offended and you are not offended and theres an end of it
You seem to me to be a very sensible young woman in some respects the Disagreeable Man remarked after a pause He was now quite cheerful again and felt he could really praise his companion Although you have read so much you seem to me sometimes to take a sensible view of things Now I dont want to be betrothed to you any more than I suppose you want to be betrothed to me And yet we can talk quietly about the matter without a scene That would be impossible with most women
Bernardine laughed Well I only know she said cheerily that I have enjoyed my day very much and Im much obliged to you for your companionship The fresh air and the change of surroundings will have done me good
His reply was characteristic of him
It is the least disagreeable day I have spent for many months he said quietly
Let me settle with you for the sledge now she said drawing out her purse just as they came in sight of the Kurhaus
They settled money matters and were quits
Then he helped her out of the sledge and he stooped to pick up the shawl she dropped
Here is the shawl you are always dropping he said Youre rather cold arent you Here come to the restaurant and have some brandy Dont make a fuss I know whats the right thing for you
She followed him to the restaurant touched by his rough kindness He himself took nothing but he paid for her brandy
That evening after tabledhôte or rather after he had finished his dinner he rose to go to his room as usual He generally went off without a remark But tonight he said
Goodnight and thank you for your companionship It has been my birthday today and Ive quite enjoyed it
CHAPTER XI
IF ONE HAS MADE THE ONE GREAT SACRIFICE
THERE was a suicide in the Kurhaus one afternoon A Dutchman Vandervelt had received rather a bad account of himself from the doctor a few days previously and in a fit of depression so it was thought he had put a bullet through his head It had occurred through Maries unconscious agency She found him lying on his sofa when she went as usual to take him his afternoon glass of milk He asked her to give him a packet which was on the top shelf of his cupboard
Willingly she said and she jumped nimbly on the chair and gave him the case
Anything more she asked kindly as she watched him draw himself up from the sofa She thought at the time that he looked wild and strange but then as she pathetically said afterwards who did not look wild and strange in the Kurhaus
Yes he said Here are five francs for you
She thought that rather unusual too but five francs especially coming unexpectedly like that were not to be despised and Marie determined to send them off to that Mutterli at home in the nutbrown châlet at Grüsch
So she thanked Mynheer van Vandervelt and went off to her pantry to drink some cold tea which the English people had left and to clean the lamps Having done that and knowing that the matron was busily engaged carrying on a flirtation with a young Frenchman Marie took out her writing materials and began a letter to her old mother These peasants know how to love each other and some of them know how to tell each other too Marie knew And she told her mother of the gifts she was bringing home the little nothings given her by the guests
She was very happy writing this letter the little nutbrown home rose before her
Ach she said how I long to be home
And then she put down her pen and sighed
Ach she said and when Im there I shall long to be here Da wo ich nicht bin da ist das Gluck
Marie was something of a philosopher
Suddenly she heard the report of a pistol followed by a second report She dashed out of her little pantry and ran in the direction of the sound She saw Wärli in the passage He was looking scared and his letters had fallen to the ground He pointed to No 54
It was the Dutchmans room
Help arrived The door was forced open and Vandervelt was found dead
The case from which he had taken the pistol was lying on the sofa When
Marie saw that she knew that she had been an unconscious accomplice
Her tender heart overflowed with grief
Whilst others were lifting him up she leaned her head against the wall and sobbed
It was my fault it was my fault she cried I gave him the case
But how was I to know
They took her away and tried to comfort her but it was all in vain
And he gave me five francs she sobbed I shudder to think of them
It was all in vain that Wärli gave her a letter for which she had been longing for many days
It is from your Mutterli he said as he put it into her hands I give it willingly I dont like the look of one or two of the letters I have to give you Mariechen That Hans writes to you Confound him
But nothing could cheer her Wärli went away shaking his curly head sadly shocked at the death of the Dutchman and shocked at Maries sorrow And the cheery little postman did not do much whistling that evening
Bernardine heard of Maries trouble and rang for her to come Marie answered the bell looking the picture of misery Her kind face was tearstained and her only voice was a sob
Bernardine drew the girl to her
Poor old Marie she whispered Come and cry your kind heart out and then you will feel better Sit by me here and dont try to speak And I will make you some tea in true English fashion and you must take it hot and it will do you good
The simple sisterly kindness and silent sympathy soothed Marie after a time The sobs ceased and the tears also And Marie put her hand in her pocket and gave Bernardine the five francs
Fräulein Holme I hate them she said I could never keep them How could I send them now to my old mother They would bring her ill luck— indeed they would
The matter was solved by Bernardine in a masterly fashion She suggested that Marie should buy flowers with the money and put them on the Dutchmans coffin This idea comforted Marie beyond Bernardines most sanguine expectations
A beautiful tin wreath she said several times I know the exact kind
When my father died we put one on his grave
That same evening during tabledhôte Bernardine told the Disagreeable Man the history of the afternoon He had been developing photographs and had heard nothing He seemed very little interested in her relation of the suicide and merely remarked
Well theres one person less in the world
I think you make these remarks from habit Bernardine said quietly and she went on with her dinner attempting no further conversation with him She herself had been much moved by the sad occurrence every one in the Kurhaus was more or less upset and there was a thoughtful anxious expression on more than one ordinarily thoughtless face The little French danseuse was quiet the Portuguese ladies were decidedly tearful the vulgar German Baroness was quite depressed the comedian at the Belgian table ate his dinner in silence In fact there was a weight pressing down on all Was it really possible thought Bernardine that Robert Allitsen was the only one there unconcerned and unmoved She had seen him in a different light amongst his friends the country folk but it was just a glimpse which had not lasted long The young heartedness the geniality the sympathy which had so astonished her during their days outing astonished her still more by their total disappearance The gruffness had returned or had it never been absent The lovelessness and leadenness of his temperament had once more asserted themselves or was it that they had never for one single day been in the background
These thoughts passed through her mind as he sat next to her reading his paper—that paper which he never passed on to any one She hardened her heart against him there was no need for illhealth and disappointment to have brought any one to a miserable state of indifference like that Then she looked at his wan face and frail form and her heart softened at once At the moment when her heart softened to him he astonished her by handing her his paper
Here is something to interest you he said an article on Realism in Fiction or some nonsense like that You neednt read it now I dont want the paper again
I thought you never lent anything she said as she glanced at the article much less gave it
Giving and lending are not usually in my line he replied I think I told you once that I thought selfishness perfectly desirable and legitimate if one had made the one great sacrifice
Yes she said eagerly I have often wondered what you considered the one great sacrifice
Come out into the air he answered and I will tell you
She went to put on her cloak and hat and found him waiting for her at the top of the staircase They passed out into the beautiful night the sky was radiantly bejewelled the air crisp and cold and harmless to do ill In the distance the jodelling of some peasants In the hotels the fun and merriment side by side with the suffering and hopelessness In the deaconesss house the body of the Dutchman In Gods heavens Gods stars
Robert Allitsen and Bernardine walked silently for some time
Well she said now tell me
The one great sacrifice he said half to himself is the going on living ones life for the sake of another when everything that would seem to make life acceptable has been wrenched away not the pleasures but the duties and the possibilities of expressing ones energies either in one direction or another when in fact living is only a long tedious dying If one has made this sacrifice everything else may be forgiven
He paused a moment and then continued
I have made this sacrifice therefore I consider I have done my part without flinching The greatest thing I had to give up I gave up my death More could not be required of any one
He paused again and Bernardine was silent from mere awe
But freedom comes at last he said and some day I shall be free When my mother dies I shall be free She is old If I were to die I should break her heart or rather she would fancy that her heart was broken And it comes to the same thing And I should not like to give her more grief than she has had So I am just waiting it may be months or weeks or years But I know how to wait if I have not learnt anything else I have learnt how to wait And then
Bernardine had unconsciously put her hand on his arm her face was full of suffering
And then she asked with almost painful eagerness
And then I shall follow your Dutchmans example he said deliberately
Bernardines hand fell from the Disagreeable Mans arm
She shivered
You are cold you little thing he said almost tenderly for him
You are shivering
Was I she said with a short laugh I was wondering when you would get your freedom and whether you would use it in the fashion you now intend
Why should there be any doubt he asked
One always hopes there would be a doubt she said half in a whisper
Then he looked up and saw all the pain on the little face
CHAPTER XII
THE DISAGREEABLE MAN MAKES A LOAN
THE Dutchman was buried in the little cemetery which faced the hospital Maries tin wreath was placed on the grave And there the matter ended The Kurhaus guests recovered from their depression the German Baroness returned to her buoyant vulgarity the little danseuse to her busy flirtations The French Marchioness celebrated in Parisian circles for her domestic virtues from which she was now taking a holiday and a very considerable holiday too gathered her nerves together again and took renewed pleasure in the society of the Russian gentleman The French Marchioness had already been requested to leave three other hotels in Petershof but it was not at all probable that the proprietors of the Kurhaus would have presumed to measure Madames morality or immorality The Kurhaus committee had a benign indulgence for humanity— provided of course that humanity had a purse—an indulgence which some of the English hotels would not have done badly to imitate There was a story afloat concerning the English quarter that a tired little English lady of no importance to look at probably not rich and probably not handsome came to the most respectable hotel in Petershof thinking to find there the peace and quiet which her weariness required
But no one knew who the little lady was whence she had come and why She kept entirely to herself and was thankful for the luxury of loneliness after some overwhelming sorrow
One day she was requested to go The proprietor of the hotel was distressed but he could not do otherwise than comply with the demands of his guests
It is not known who you are Mademoiselle he said And you are not approved of You English are curious people But what can I do You have a cheap room and are a stranger to me The others have expensive apartments and come year after year You see my position Mademoiselle I am sorry
So the little tired lady had to go That was how the story went It was not known what became of her but it was known that the English people in the Kurhaus tried to persuade her to come to them But she had lost heart and left in distress
This could not have happened in the Kurhaus where all were received on equal terms those about whom nothing was known and those about whom too much was known The strange mixture and the contrasts of character afforded endless scope for observation and amusement and Bernardine who was daily becoming more interested in her surroundings felt that she would have been sorry to have exchanged her present abode for the English quarter The amusing part of it was that the English people in the Kurhaus were regarded by their compatriots in the English quarter as sheep of the blackest dye This was all the more ridiculous because with two exceptions—firstly of Mrs Reffold who took nearly all her pleasures with the American colony in the Grand Hotel and secondly of a Scotch widow who had returned to Petershof to weep over her husbands grave but put away her grief together with her widows weeds and consoled herself with a Spanish gentleman—with these two exceptions the little English community in the Kurhaus was most humdrum and harmless being occupied as in the case of the Disagreeable Man with cameras and cheesemites or in other cases with the still more engrossing pastime of taking care of ones illhealth whether real or fancied but yet an innocent hobby in itself and giving one absolutely no leisure to do anything worse a great recommendation for any pastime
This was not Bernardines occupation it was difficult to say what she did with herself for she had not yet followed Robert Allitsens advice and taken up some definite work and the very fact that she had no such wish pointed probably to a state of health which forbade it She naturally so keen and hardworking was content to take what the hour brought and the hour brought various things chess with the Swedish professor or Russian dominoes with the shrivelledup little Polish governess who always tried to cheat and who clutched her tiny winnings with precisely the same greediness shown by the Monte Carlo female gamblers Or the hour brought a stroll with the French danseuse and her poodle and a conversation about the mere trivialities of life which a year or two or even a few months ago Bernardine would have condemned as beneath contempt but which were now taking their rightful place in her new standard of importances For some natures learn with greater difficulty and after greater delay than others that the real importances of our existence are the nothingnesses of everyday life the nothingnesses which the philosopher in his study reasoning about and analysing human character is apt to overlook but which nevertheless make him and every one else more of a human reality and less of an abstraction And Bernardine hitherto occupied with socalled intellectual pursuits with problems of the study of no value to the great world outside the study or with social problems of the great world great movements and great questions was now just beginning to appreciate the value of the little incidents of that same great world Or the hour brought its own thoughts and Bernardine found herself constantly thinking of the Disagreeable Man always in sorrow and always with sympathy and sometimes with tenderness
When he told her about the one sacrifice she could have wished to wrap him round with love and tenderness If he could only have known it he had never been so near love as then She had suffered so much herself and with increasing weaknesses had so wished to put off the burden of the flesh that her whole heart went out to him
Would he get his freedom she wondered and would he use it Sometimes when she was with him she would look up to see whether she could read the answer in his face but she never saw any variation of expression there nothing to give her even a suggestion But this she noticed that there was a marked variation in his manner and that when he had been rough in bearing or bitter in speech he made silent amends at the earliest opportunity by being less rough and less bitter She felt this was no small concession on the part of the Disagreeable Man
He was particularly disagreeable on the day when the Dutchman was buried and so the following day when Bernardine met him in the little English library she was not surprised to find him almost kindly
He had chosen the book which she wanted but he gave it up to her at once without any grumbling though Bernardine expected him to change his mind before they left the library
Well he said as they walked along together and have you recovered from the death of the Dutchman
Have you recovered rather let me ask she said You were in a horrid mood last night
I was feeling wretchedly ill he said quietly
That was the first time he had ever alluded to his own health
Not that there is any need to make an excuse he continued for I do not recognise that there is any necessity to consult ones surroundings and alter the inclination of ones mind accordingly Still as a matter of fact, I felt very ill
And today she asked
Today I am myself again he answered quickly that usual normal self of mine whatever that may mean I slept well and I dreamed of you I cant say that I had been thinking of you because I had not But I dreamed that we were children together and playmates Now that was very odd because I was a lonely child and never had any playmates
And I was lonely too said Bernardine
Every one is lonely he said but every one does not know it
But now and again the knowledge comes like a revelation she said and we realise that we stand practically alone out of any ones reach for help or comfort When you come to think of it too how little able we are to explain ourselves When you have wanted to say something which was burning within you have you not noticed on the face of the listener that unmistakable look of noncomprehension which throws you back on yourself That is one of the moments when the soul knows its own loneliness
Robert Allitsen looked up at her
You little thing he said you put things neatly sometimes You have felt havent you
I suppose so she said But that is true of most people
I beg your pardon he answered most people neither think nor feel unless they think they have an ache and then they feel it
I believe said Bernardine that there is more thinking and feeling than one generally supposes
Well I cant be bothered with that now he said And you interrupted me about my dream That is an annoying habit you have
Go on she said I apologize
I dreamed we were children together and playmates he continued We were not at all happy together but still we were playmates There was nothing we did not quarrel about You were disagreeable and I was spiteful Our greatest dispute was over a Christmastree And that was odd too for I have never seen a Christmastree
Well she said for he had paused What a long time you take to tell story
You were not called Bernardine he said You were called by some ordinary sensible name I dont remember what But you were very disagreeable That I remember well At last you disappeared and I went about looking for you If I can find something to cause a quarrel I said to myself she will come back So I went and smashed your dolls head But you did not come back Then I set on fire your dolls house But even that did not bring you back Nothing brought you back That was my dream I hope you are not offended Not that it makes any difference if you are
Bernardine laughed
I am sorry that I should have been such an unpleasant playmate she said It was a good thing I did disappear
Perhaps it was he said There would have been a terrible scene about that dolls head An odd thing for me to dream about Christmastrees and dolls and playmates especially when I went to sleep thinking about my new camera
You have a new camera she asked
Yes he answered and a beauty too Would you like to see it
She expressed a wish to see it and when they reached the Kurhaus she went with him up to his beautiful room where he spent his time in the company of his microscope and his chemical bottles and his photographic possessions
If you sit down and look at those photographs I will make you some tea he said There is the camera but please not to touch it until I am ready to show it myself
She watched him preparing the tea he did everything so daintily this Disagreeable Man He put a handkerchief on the table to serve for an afternoon teacloth and a tiny vase of violets formed the centrepiece He had no cups but he polished up two tumblers and no housemaid could have been more particular about their glossiness Then he boiled the water and made the tea Once she offered to help him but he shook his head
Kindly not to interfere he said grimly No one can make tea better than I can
After tea they began the inspection of the new camera and Robert Allitsen showed her all the newest improvements He did not seem to think much of her intelligence for he explained everything as though he were talking to a child until Bernardine rather lost patience
You need not enter into such elaborate explanations she suggested I have a small amount of intelligence though you do not seem to detect it
He looked at her as one might look at an impatient child
Kindly not to interrupt me he replied mildly How very impatient you are And how restless What must you have been like before you fell ill
But he took the hint all the same and shortened his explanations and as Bernardine was genuinely interested he was well satisfied From time to time he looked at his old camera and at his companion and from the expression of unease on his face it was evident that some contest was going on in his mind Twice he stood near his old camera and turned round to Bernardine intending to make some remark Then he chanced his mind and walked abruptly to the other end of the room as though to seek advice from his chemical bottles Bernardine meanwhile had risen from her chair and was looking out of the window
You have a lovely view she said It must be nice to look at that when you are tired of dissecting cheesemites All the same I think the white scenery gives one a great sense of sadness and loneliness
Why do you speak always of loneliness he asked
I have been thinking a good deal about it she said When I was strong and vigorous the idea of loneliness never entered my mind Now I see how lonely most people are If I believed in God as a Personal God I should be inclined to think that loneliness were part of his scheme so that the soul of man might turn to him and him alone
The Disagreeable Man was standing by his camera again his decision was made
Dont think about those questions he said kindly Dont worry and fret too much about the philosophy of life Leave philosophy alone and take to photography instead Here I will lend you my old camera
Do you mean that she asked glancing at him in astonishment
Of course I mean it he said
He looked remarkably pleased with himself and Bernardine could not help smiling
He looked just as a child looks when he has given up a toy to another child and is conscious that he has behaved himself rather well
I am very much obliged to you she said frankly I have had a great wish to learn photography
I might have lent my camera to you before mightnt I he said thoughtfully
No she answered There was not any reason
No he said with a kind of relief there was not any reason That is quite true
When will you give me my first lesson she asked Perhaps though you would like to wait a few days in case you change your mind
It takes me some time to make up my mind he replied but I do not change it So I will give you your first lesson tomorrow Only you must not be impatient You must consent to be taught you cannot possibly know everything
They fixed a time for the morrow and Bernardine went off with the camera and meeting Marie on the staircase confided to her the piece of good fortune which had befallen her
See what Herr Allitsen has lent me Marie she said
Marie raised her hands in astonishment
Who would have thought such a thing of Herr Allitsen said Marie
Why he does not like lending me a match
Bernardine laughed and passed on to her room
And the Disagreeable Man meanwhile was cutting a new scientific book which had just come from England He spent a good deal of money on himself He was soon absorbed in this book and much interested in the diagrams
Suddenly he looked up to the corner where the old camera had stood before Bernardine took it away in triumph
I hope she wont hurt that camera he said a little uneasily
I am half sorry that
Then a kinder mood took possession of him
Well at least it will keep her from fussing and fretting and thinking
Still I hope she wont hurt it
CHAPTER XIII
A DOMESTIC SCENE
ONE afternoon when Mrs Reffold came to say goodbye to her husband before going out for the usual sledgedrive he surprised her by his unwonted manner
Take your cloak off he said sharply You cannot go for your drive this afternoon You dont often give up your time to me you must do so today
She was so astonished that she at once laid aside her cloak and hat and touched the bell
Why are you ringing Mr Reffold asked testily
To send a message of excuse she answered with provoking cheerfulness
She scribbled something on a card and gave it to the servant who answered the bell
Now she said with great sweetness of manner And she sat down beside him drew out her fancywork and worked away contentedly She would have made a charming study of a devoted wife soothing a muchloved husband in his hours of sickness and weariness
Do you mind giving up your drive he asked
Not in the least she replied I am rather tired of sledging
You soon get tired of things Winifred he said
Yes I do was the answer I am so easily bored I am quite tired of this place
You will have to stay here a little longer he said and then you will be free to go where you choose I wish I could die quicker for you Winifred
Mrs Reffold looked up from her embroidery
You will get better soon she said You are better
Yes youve helped a good deal to make me better he said bitterly You have been a most unselfish person havent you You have given me every care and attention havent you
You seem to me in a very strange mood today she said looking puzzled I dont understand you
Mr Reffold laughed
Poor Winifred he said If it is ever your lot to fall ill and be neglected perhaps then you will think of me
Neglected she said in some surprise What do you mean I thought you had everything you wanted The nurse brought excellent testimonials I was careful in the choice of her You have never complained before
He turned wearily on his side and made no answer And for some time there was silence between them
Then he watched her as she bent over her embroidery
You are very beautiful Winifred he said quietly but you are a selfish woman Has it ever struck you that you are selfish
Mrs Reffold gave no reply but she made a resolution to write to her particular friend at Cannes and confide to her how very trying her husband had become
I suppose it is part of his illness she thought meekly But it is hard to have to bear it
And Mrs Reffold pitied herself profoundly She stitched sincere pity for herself into that piece of embroidery
I remember you telling me continued Mr Reffold that sick people repelled you That was when I was strong and vigorous But since I have been ill I have often recalled your words Poor Winifred You did not think then that you would have an invalid husband on your hands Well you were not intended for sickroom nursing and you have not tried to be what you were not intended for Perhaps you were right after all
I dont know why you should be so unkind today Mrs Reffold said with pathetic patience I cant understand you You have never spoken like this before
No he said but I have thought like this before All the hours you have left me lonely I have been thinking like this with my heart full of bitterness against you until that little girl that Little Brick came along
After that it was some time before he spoke He was thinking of his Little Brick and of all the pleasant hours he had spent with her and of the kind wise words she had spoken to him an ignorant fellow She was something like a companion
So he went on thinking and Mrs Reffold went on embroidering She was now feeling herself to be almost a heroine It is a very easy matter to make oneself into a heroine or a martyr Selfish neglectful What did he mean Oh it was just part of his illness She must go on bearing her burden as she had borne it these many months Her rightful position was in a London ballroom Instead of which she had to be shut up in an Alpine village a hard lot It was little enough pleasure she could get and apparently her husband grudged her that His manner to her this afternoon was not such as to encourage her to stay in from her drive on another occasion Tomorrow she would go sledging
That flash of light which reveals ourselves to ourselves had not yet come to Mrs Reffold
She looked at her husband and thought from his restfulness that he had gone to sleep and she was just beginning to write to that particular friend at Cannes to tell her what a trial she was undergoing when Mr Reffold called her to his side
Winifred he said gently and there was tenderness in his voice and love written on his face Winifred I am sorry if I have been sharp to you Little Brick says we mustnt come down like sledgehammers on each other and that is what I have been doing this afternoon Perhaps I have been hard I am such an illness to myself that I must be an illness to others too And you werent meant for this sort of thing—were you You are a bright beautiful creature and I am an unfortunate dog not to have been able to make you happier I know I am irritable I cant help myself indeed I cant
This great long fellow was so yearning for love and sympathy
What would it not have been to him if she had gathered him into her arms and soothed all his irritability and suffering with her love
But she pressed his hand and kissed him lightly on the cheek and told him that he had been a little sharp but that she quite understood and that she was not hurt Her charm of manner gave him some satisfaction and when Bernardine came in a few minutes later she found Mr Reffold looking happier and more contented than she had ever seen him Mrs Reffold who was relieved at the interruption received Bernardine warmly though there was a certain amount of shyness which she had never been able to conquer in Bernardines presence There was something in the younger woman which quelled Mrs Reffold it may have been some mental quality or it may have been her boots
Little Brick said Mr Reffold isnt it nice to have Winifred here
And I have been so disagreeable and snappish
Oh we wont say anything about that now said Mrs Reffold smiling sweetly
But Ive said I am sorry he continued And one cant do more
No said Bernardine who was amused at the notion of Mr Reffold apologizing to Mrs Reffold and of Mrs Reffold posing as the gracious forgiver one cant do more But she could not control her feelings and she laughed
You seem rather merry this afternoon Mr Reffold said in a reproachful tone of voice
Yes she said And she laughed again Mrs Reffolds forgiving graciousness had altogether upset her gravity
You might at least tell us the joke Mrs Reffold said Bernardine looked at her hopelessly and laughed again
I have been developing photographs all the afternoon she said and I suppose the closeness of the air and the badness of my negatives have been too much for me Anyway I know I must seem very rude
She recovered herself after that and tried hard not to think of Mrs Reffold as the dispenser of forgiveness although it was some time before she could look at her hostess without wishing to laugh The corners of her mouth twitched and her brown eyes twinkled mischievously and she spoke very rapidly making fun of her first attempts at photography and criticising herself so comically that both Mr and Mrs Reffold were much amused
All the same Bernardine was relieved when Mrs Reffold went to fetch some silks and left her with Mr Reffold
I am very happy this afternoon Little Brick he said to her My wife has been sitting with me But instead of enjoying the pleasure as I ought to have done I began to find fault with her I dont know how long I should not have gone on grumbling but that I suddenly recollected what you taught me that we were not to come down like sledgehammers on each others failings When I remembered that it was quite easy to forgive all the neglect and thoughtlessness Since you have talked to me Little Brick everything has become easier to me
It is something in your own mind which has worked this she said your own kind generous mind and you put it down to my words
But he shook his head
If I knew of any poor unfortunate devil that wanted to be eased and comforted he said I should tell him about you Little Brick You have been very good to me You may be clever but you have never worried my stupid brain with too much scholarship Im just an ignorant chap and youve never let me feel it
He took her hand and raised it reverently to his lips
I say he continued tell my wife it made me happy to have her with me this afternoon then perhaps she will stay in another time I should like her to know And she was sweet in her manner wasnt she And by Jove she is beautiful I am glad you have seen her here today It must be dull for her with an invalid like me And I know I am irritable Go and tell her that she made me happy—will you
The little bit of happiness at which the poor fellow snatched seemed to make him more pathetic than before Bernardine promised to tell his wife and went off to find her making as an excuse a book which Mrs Reffold had offered to lend her Mrs Reffold was in her bedroom She asked Bernardine to sit down whilst she searched for the book She had a very gracious manner when she chose
You are looking much better Miss Holme she said kindly I cannot help noticing your face It looks younger and brighter The bracing air has done you good
Yes I am better Bernardine said rather astonished that Mrs Reffold should have noticed her at all Mr Allitsen informs me that I shall live but never be strong He settles every question of that sort to his own satisfaction but not always to the satisfaction of other people
He is a curious person Mrs Reffold said smiling though I must say he is not quite as gruff as he used to be You seem to be good friends with him
She would have liked to say more on this subject but experience had taught her that Bernardine was not to be trifled with
I dont know about being good friends Bernardine said but I have a great sympathy for him I know myself what it is to be cut off from work and active life I have been through a misery But mine is nothing to his
She rose to go but Mrs Reffold detained her
Dont go yet she said It is pleasant to have you
She was leaning back in an armchair playing with the fringe of an antimacassar
Oh how tired I am of this horrid place she said suddenly And I have had a most wearying afternoon Mr Reffold seems to be more irritable every day It is very hard that I should have to bear it
Bernardine listened to her in astonishment
Yes she added I am quite worn out He never used to be so irritable It is all very tiresome It is quite telling on my health
She looked the picture of health
Bernardine gasped and Mrs Reffold continued
His grumbling this afternoon has been incessant so much so that he himself was ashamed and asked me to forgive him You heard him didnt you
Yes I heard him Bernardine said
And of course I forgave him at once Mrs Reffold said piously
Naturally one would do that but the vexation remains all the same
Can these things be thought Bernardine to herself
He spoke in a most ridiculous way she went on it certainly is not encouraging for me to spend another afternoon with him I shall go sledging tomorrow
You generally do go sledging dont you Bernardine asked mildly
Mrs Reffold looked at her suspiciously She was never quite sure that
Bernardine was not making fun of her
It is little enough pleasure I do have she added as though in self defence And he seems to grudge me that too
I dont think he would grudge you anything Bernardine said with some warmth He loves you too much for that You dont know how much pleasure you give him when you spare him a little of your time He told me how happy you made him this afternoon You could see for yourself that he was happy Mrs Reffold make him happy whilst you still have him Dont you understand that he is passing away from you—dont you understand or is it that you wont We all see it all except you
She stopped suddenly surprised at her boldness
Mrs Reffold was still leaning back in the armchair her hands clasped together above her beautiful head Her face was pale She did not speak Bernardine waited The silence was unbroken save by the merry cries of some children tobogganing in the Kurhaus garden The stillness grew oppressive and Bernardine rose She knew from the effort which those few words had cost her how far removed she was from her old former self
Goodbye Mrs Reffold she said nervously
Goodbye Miss Holme was the only answer
CHAPTER XIV
CONCERNING THE CARETAKERS
THE Doctors in Petershof always said that the caretakers of the invalids were a much greater anxiety than the invalids themselves The invalids would either get better or die one of two things probably At any rate you knew where you were with them But not so with the caretakers there was nothing they were not capable of doing—except taking reasonable care of their invalids They either fussed about too much or else they did not fuss about at all They all began by doing the right thing they all ended by doing the wrong The fussy ones had fits of apathy when the poor irritable patients seemed to get a little better the negligent ones had paroxysms of attentiveness when their invalids accustomed to loneliness and neglect seemed to become rather worse by being worried
To remonstrate with the caretakers would have been folly for they were well satisfied with their own methods
To contrive their departure would have been an impossibility for they were firmly convinced that their presence was necessary to the welfare of their charges And then too judging from the way in which they managed to amuse themselves they liked being in Petershof though they never owned that to the invalids On the contrary it was the custom for the caretakers to depreciate the place and to deplore the necessity which obliged them to continue there month after month They were fond too of talking about the sacrifices which they made and the pleasures which they willingly gave up in order to stay with their invalids They said this in the presence of their invalids And if the latter had told them by all means to pack up and go back to the pleasures which they had renounced they would have been astonished at the ingratitude which could suggest the idea
They were amusing characters these caretakers They were so thoroughly unconscious of their own deficiencies They might neglect their own invalids but they would look after other peoples invalids and play the nurse most soothingly and prettily where there was no call and no occasion Then they would come and relate to their neglected dear ones what they had been doing for others and the dear ones would smile quietly and watch the buttons being stitched on for strangers and the cornflour which they could not get nicely made for themselves being carefully prepared for other peoples neglected dear ones
Some of the dear ones were rather bitter But there were many of a higher order of intelligence who seemed to realize that they had no right to be ill and that being ill and therefore a burden on their friends they must make the best of everything and be grateful for what was given them and patient when anything was withheld Others of a still higher order of understanding attributed the eccentricities of the caretakers to one cause alone the Petershof air They know it had the invariable effect of getting into the head and upsetting the balance of those who drank deep of it Therefore no one was to blame and no one need be bitter But these were the philosophers of the colony a select and dainty few in any colony But there were several rebels amongst the invalids and they found consolation in confiding to each other their separate grievances They generally held their conferences in the rooms known as the newspaperrooms where they were not likely to be interrupted by any caretakers who might have stayed at home because they were tired out
Today there were only a few rebels gathered together but they were more than usually excited because the Doctors had told several of them that their respective caretakers must be sent home
What must I do said little Mdlle Gerardy wringing her hands The Doctor says that I must tell my sister to go home that she only worries me and makes me worse He calls her a whirlwind If I wont tell her then he will tell her and we shall have some more scenes Mon Dieu and I am so tired of them They terrify me I would suffer anything rather than have a fresh scene And I cant get her to do anything for me She has no time for me And yet she thinks she takes the greatest possible care of me and devotes the whole day to me Why sometimes I never see her for hours together
Well at least she does not quarrel with every one as my mother does said a Polish gentleman M Lichinsky Nearly every day she has a quarrel with some one or other and then she comes to me and says she has been insulted And others come to me mad with rage and complain that they have been insulted by her As though I were to blame I tell them that now I tell them that my mothers quarrels are not my quarrels But one longs for peace And the Doctor says I must have it and that my mother must go home at once If I tell her that she will have a tremendous quarrel with the Doctor As it is he will scarcely speak to her So you see Mademoiselle Gerardy that I too am in a bad plight What am I to do
Then a young American spoke He had been getting gradually worse since he came to Petershof but his brother a bright sturdy young fellow seemed quite unconscious of the seriousness of his condition
And what am I to do he asked pathetically My brother does not even think I am ill He says I am to rouse myself and come skating and tobogganing with him Then I tell him that the Doctor says I must lie quietly in the sun I have no one to take care of me so I try to take a little care of myself and then I am laughed at It is bad enough to be ill but it is worse when those who might help you a little wont even believe in your illness I wrote home once and told them but they go by what he says and they too tell me to rouse myself
His cheeks were sunken his eyes were leaden There was no power in his voice no vigour in his frame He was just slipping quickly down the hill for want of proper care and understanding
I dont know whether I am much better off than you said an English lady Mrs Bridgetower I certainly have a trained nurse to look after me but she is altogether too much for me and she does just as she pleases She is always ailing or else pretends to be and she is always depressed She grumbles from eight in the morning till nine at night I have heard that she is cheerful with other people but she never gives me the benefit of her brightness Poor thing She does feel the cold very much but it is not very cheering to see her crouching near the stove with her arms almost clasping it When she is not talking of her own looks all she says is Oh if I had only not come to Petershof or Why did I ever leave that hospital in Manchester or The cold is eating into the very marrow of my bones At first she used to read to me but it was such a dismal performance that I could not bear to hear her Why dont I send her home Well my husband will not hear of me being alone and he thinks I might do worse than keep Nurse Frances And perhaps I might
I would give a good deal to have a sister like pretty Fräulein Müller has said little Fräulein Oberhof She came to look after me the other day when I was alone She has the kindest way about her But when my sister came in she was not pleased to find Fräulein Sophie Müller with me She does not do anything for me herself and she does not like any one else to do anything either Still she is very good to other people She comes up from the theatre sometimes at halfpast nine—that is the hour when I am just sleepy—and she stamps about the room and makes cornflour for the old Polish lady Then off she goes taking with her the cornflour together with my sleep Once I complained but she said I was irritable You cant think how teasing it is to hear the noise of the spoon stirring the cornflour just when you are feeling drowsy You say to yourself Will that cornflour never be made It seems to take centuries
One could be more patient if it were being made for oneself said M Lichinsky But at least Fräulein your sister does not quarrel with every one You must be grateful for that mercy
Even as he spoke a stout lady thrust herself into the readingroom She looked very hot and excited She was M Lichinskys mother She spoke with a whirlwind of Polish words It is sometimes difficult to know when these people are angry and when they are pleased But there was no mistake about Mme Lichinsky She was always angry Her son rose from the sofa and followed her to the door Then he turned round to his confederates and shrugged his shoulders
Another quarrel he said hopelessly
CHAPTER XV
WHICH CONTAINS NOTHING
YOU may have talent for other things Robert Allitsen said one day to Bernardine but you certainly have no talent for photography You have not made the slightest progress
I dont at all agree with you Bernardine answered rather peevishly
I think I am getting on very well
You are no judge he said To begin with you cannot focus properly
You have a crooked eye I have told you that several times
You certainly have she put in You dont let me forget that
Your photograph of that horrid little danseuse whom you like so much he said is simply abominable She looks like a fury Well she may be one for all I know but in real life she has not the appearance of one
I think that is the best photograph I have done Bernardine said highly indignant She could tolerate his uppishness about subjects of which she knew far more than he did but his masterfulness about a subject of which she really knew nothing was more than she could bear with patience He had not the tact to see that she was irritated
I dont know about it being the best he said unless it is the best specimen of your inexperience Looked at from that point of view it does stand first
She flushed crimson with temper
Nothing is easier than to make fun of others she said fiercely It is the resource of the ignorant
Then after the fashion of angry women having said her say she stalked away If there had been a door to bang she would certainly have banged it However she did what she could under the circumstances she pushed a curtain roughly aside and passed into the concertroom where every night of the seasons six months a scratchy string orchestra entertained the Kurhaus guests She left the Disagreeable Man standing in the passage
Dear me he said thoughtfully And he stroked his chin Then he trudged slowly up to his room
Dear me he said once more
Arrived in his bedroom he began to read But after a few minutes he shut his book took the lamp to the lookingglass and brushed his hair Then he put on a black coat and a white silk tie There was a speck of dust on the coat He carefully removed that and then extinguished the lamp
On his way downstairs he met Marie who gazed at him in astonishment It was quite unusual for him to be seen again when he had once come up from tabledhôte She noticed the black coat and the white silk tie too and reported on these eccentricities to her colleague Anna
The Disagreeable Man meanwhile had reached the Concert Hall He glanced around and saw where Bernardine was sitting and then chose a place in the opposite direction quite by himself He looked somewhat like a dog who has been well beaten Now and again he looked up to see whether she still kept her seat The bad music was a great irritation to him But he stayed on heroically There was no reason why he should stay Gradually too the audience began to thin Still he lingered always looking like a dog in punishment
At last Bernardine rose and the Disagreeable Man rose too He followed her humbly to the door She turned and saw him
I am sorry I put you in a bad temper he said It was stupid of me
I am sorry I got into a bad temper she answered laughing It was stupid of me
I think I have said enough to apologize he said It is a process I dislike very much
And with that he wished her goodnight and went to his room
But that was not the end of the matter for the next day when he was taking his breakfast with her he of his own accord returned to the subject
It was partly your own fault that I vexed you last night he said You have never before been touchy and so I have become accustomed to saying what I choose And it is not in my nature to be flattering
That is a very truthful statement of yours she said as she poured out her coffee But I own I was touchy And so I shall be again if you make such cutting remarks about my photographs
You have a crooked eye he said grimly Look there for instance You have poured your coffee outside the cup Of course you can do as you like but the usual custom is to pour it inside the cup
They both laughed and the good understanding between them was cemented again
You are certainly getting better he said suddenly I should not be surprised if you were able to write a book after all Not that a new book is wanted There are too many books as it is and not enough people to dust them Still it is not probable that you would be considerate enough to remember that You will write your book
Bernardine shook her head
I dont seem to care now she said I think I could now be content with a quieter and more useful part
You will write your book he continued Now listen to me Whatever else you may do dont make your characters hold long discussions with each other In real life people do not talk four pages at a time without stopping Also if you bring together two clever men dont make them talk cleverly Clever people do not It is only the stupid who think they must talk cleverly all the time And dont detain your reader too long if you must have a sunset let it be a short one I could give you many more hints which would be useful to you
But why not use your own hints for yourself she suggested
That would be selfish of me he said solemnly I wish you to profit by them
You are learning to be unselfish at a very rapid rate Bernardine said
At that moment Mrs Reffold came into the breakfastroom and seeing
Bernardine gave her a stiff bow
I thought you and Mrs Reffold were such friends Robert Allitsen said
Bernardine then told him of her last interview with Mrs Reffold
Well if you feel uncomfortable it is as it should be he said I dont see what business you had to point out to Mrs Reffold her duty I dare say she knows it quite well though she may not choose to do it I am sure I should resent it if any one pointed out my duty to me Every one knows his own duty And it is his own affair whether or not he does it
I wonder if you are right Bernardine said I never meant to presume but her indifference had exasperated me
Why should you be exasperated about other peoples affairs he said
And why interfere at all
Being interested is not the same as being interfering she replied quickly
It is difficult to be the one without being the other he said It requires a genius There is a genius for being sympathetic as well as a genius for being good And geniuses are few
But I knew one Bernardine said There was a friend to whom in the first days of my trouble I turned for sympathy When others only irritated she could soothe She had only to come into my room and all was well with me
There were tears in Bernardines eyes as she spoke
Well said the Disagreeable Man kindly and where is your genius now
She went away she and hers Bernardine said And that was the end of that chapter
Poor little child he said half to himself Dont I too know something about the ending of such a chapter
But Bernardine did not hear him she was thinking of her friend She was thinking as we all think that those to whom in our suffering we turn for sympathy become hallowed beings Saints they may not be but for want of a better name saints they are to us gracious and lovely presences The great time Eternity the great space Death could not rob them of their saintship for they were canonized by our bitterest tears
She was roused from her reverie by the Disagreeable Man who got up and pushed his chair noisily under the table
Will you come and help me to develop some photographs he asked cheerily You do not need to have a straight eye for that
Then as they went along together he said
When we come to think about it seriously it is rather absurd for us to expect to have uninterrupted stretches of happiness Happiness falls to our share in separate detached bits and those of us who are wise content ourselves with these broken fragments
But who is wise Bernardine asked Why we all expect to be happy No one told us that we were to be happy Still though no one told us it is the true instinct of human nature
It would be interesting to know at what particular period of evolution into our present glorious types we felt that instinct for the first time he said The sunshine must have had something to do with it You see how a dog throws itself down in the sunshine the most wretched cur heaves a sigh of content then the sulkiest cat begins to purr
They were standing outside the room set apart for the photographmaniacs of the Kurhaus
I cannot go into that horrid little hole Bernardine said And besides I have promised to play chess with the Swedish professor And after that I am going to photograph Marie I promised Wärli I would
The Disagreeable Man smiled grimly
I hope he will be able to recognize her he said Then feeling that he was on dangerous ground he added quickly
If you want any more plates I can oblige you
On her way to her room she stopped to talk to pretty Fräulein Müller who was in high spirits having had an excellent report from the Doctor Fräulein Müller always insisted on talking English with Bernardine and as her knowledge of it was limited a certain amount of imagination was necessary to enable her to be understood
Ah Miss Holme she said I have deceived an exquisite report from the Doctor
You are looking ever so well Bernardine said And the lovemaking with the Spanish gentleman goes on well too
Ach was the merry answer That is your inventory I am quite indolent to him
At that moment the Spanish gentleman came out of the Kurhaus flower shop with a beautiful bouquet of flowers
Mademoiselle he said handing them to Fräulein Müller and at the same time putting his hand to his heart He had not noticed Bernardine at first and when he saw her he became somewhat confused She smiled at them both and escaped into the flowershop which was situated in one of the covered passages connecting the motherbuilding with the dependencies Herr Schmidt the gardener was making a wreath His favourite companion a saffron cat was playing with the wire Schmidt was rather an illtempered man but he liked Bernardine
I have put these violets aside for you Fräulein he said in his sulky way I meant to have sent them to your room but have been interrupted in my work
You spoil me with your gifts she said
You spoil my cat with the milk he replied looking up from his work
That is a beautiful wreath you are making Herr Schmidt she said
Who has died Any one in the Kurhaus
No Fräulein But I ought to keep my door locked when I make these wreaths People get frightened and think they too are going to die Shall you be frightened I wonder
No I believe not she answered as she took possession of her violets and stroked the saffron cat But I am glad no one has died here
It is for a young beautiful lady he said She was in the Kurhaus two years ago I liked her So I am taking extra pains She did not care for the flowers to be wired So I am trying my best without the wire But it is difficult
She left him to his work and went away thinking All the time she had now been in Petershof had not sufficed to make her indifferent to the sadness of her surroundings In vain the Disagreeable Mans preachings in vain her own reasonings with herself
These people here who suffered and faded and passed away who were they to her
Why should the faintest shadow steal across her soul on account of them
There was no reason And still she felt for them all she who in the old days would have thought it waste of time to spare a moments reflection on anything so unimportant as the sufferings of an individual human being
And the bridge between her former and her present self was her own illness
What dullminded sheep we must all be how lacking in the very elements of imagination since we are only able to learn by personal experience of grief and suffering something about the suffering and grief of others
Yea how the dogs must wonder at us those dogs who know when we are in pain or trouble and nestle nearer to us
So Bernardine reached her own door She heard her name called and turning round saw Mrs Reffold There was a scared look on the beautiful face
Miss Holme she said I have been sent for—I darent go to him alone—I want you—he is worse I am
Bernardine took her hand and the two women hurried away in silence
CHAPTER XVI
WHEN THE SOUL KNOWS ITS OWN REMORSE
BERNARDINE had seen Mr Reffold the previous day She had sat by his side and held his hand He had smiled at her many times but he only spoke once
Little Brick he whispered—for his voice had become nothing but a whisper I remember all you told me God bless you But what a long time it does take to die
But that was yesterday
The lane had come to an ending at last and Mr Reffold lay dead
They bore him to the little mortuary chapel And Bernardine stayed with Mrs Reffold who seemed afraid to be alone She clung to Bernardines hand
No no she said excitedly you must not go I cant bear to be alone you must stay with me
She expressed no sorrow no regret She did not even speak his name
She just sat nursing her beautiful face
Once or twice Bernardine tried to slip away This waiting about was a strain on her and she felt that she was doing no good
But each time Mrs Reffold looked up and prevented her
No no she said I cant bear myself without you I must have you near me Why should you leave me
So Bernardine lingered She tried to read a book which lay on the table She counted the lines and dots on the wallpaper She thought about the dead man and about the living woman She had pitied him but when she looked at the stricken face of his wife Bernardines whole heart rose up in pity for her Remorse would come although it might not remain long The soul would see itself face to face for one brief moment and then forget its own likeness
But for the moment—what a weight of suffering what a whole century of agony
Bernardine grew very tender for Mrs Reffold she bent over the sofa and fondled the beautiful face
Mrs Reffold she whispered
That was all she said but it was enough
Mrs Reffold burst into an agony of tears
Oh Miss Holme she sobbed and I was not even kind to him And now it is too late How can I ever bear myself
And then it was that the soul knew its own remorse
CHAPTER XVII
A RETURN TO OLD PASTURES
SHE had left him alone and neglected for whole hours when he was alive And now when he was dead and it probably mattered little to him where he was laid it was some time before she could make up her mind to leave him in the lonely little Petershof cemetery
It will be so dreary for him there she said to the Doctor
Not so dreary as you made it for him here thought the Doctor
But he did not say that he just urged her quietly to have her husband buried in Petershof and she yielded
So they laid him to rest in the dreary cemetery
Bernardine went to the funeral much against the Disagreeable Mans wish
You are looking like a ghost yourself he said to her Come out with me into the country instead
But she shook her head
Another day she said And Mrs Reffold wants me I cant leave her alone for she is so miserable
The Disagreeable Man shrugged his shoulders and went off by himself
Mrs Reffold clung very much to Bernardine those last days before she left Petershof She had decided to go to Wiesbaden where she had relations and she invited Bernardine to go with her it was more than that she almost begged her Bernardine refused
I have been from England nearly five months she said and my money is coming to an end I must go back and work
Then come away with me as my companion Mrs Reffold suggested And
I will pay you a handsome salary
Bernardine could not be persuaded
No she said I could not earn money that way it would not suit me And besides you would not care to be a long time with me you would soon tire of me You think you would like to have me with you now But I know how it would be You would be sorry and so should I So let us part as we are now you going your way and I going mine We live in different worlds Mrs Reffold It would be as senseless for me to venture into yours as for you to come into mine Do you think I am unkind
So they parted Mrs Reffold had spoken no word of affection to Bernardine but at the station as she bent down to kiss her she whispered
I know you will not think too hardly of me Still will you promise me And if you are ever in trouble and I can help you will you write to me
And Bernardine promised
When she got back to her room she found a small packet on her table It contained Mr Reffolds watchchain She had so often seen him playing with it There was a little piece of paper enclosed with it and Mr Reffold had written on it some two months ago Give my watch chain to Little Brick if she will sacrifice a little of her pride and accept the gift Bernardine unfastened her watch from the black hair cord and attached it instead to Mr Reffolds massive gold chain
As she sat there fiddling with it the idea seized her that she would be all the better for a days outing At first she thought she would go alone and then she decided to ask Robert Allitsen She learnt from Marie that he was in the dark room and she hastened down She knocked several times before there was any answer
I cant be disturbed just now he said Who is it
I cant shout to you she said
The Disagreeable Man opened the door of the dark room
My negatives will be spoilt he said gruffly Then seeing Bernardine standing there he added
Why you look as though you wanted some brandy
No she said smiling at his sudden change of manner I want fresh air a sledge drive and a days outing Will you come
He made no answer and retired once more into the dark room Then he came out with his camera
We will go to that inn again he said cheerily I want to take the photographs to those peasants
In half an hours time they were on their way It was the same drive as before and since then Bernardine had seen more of the country and was more accustomed to the wonderful white scenery but still the white presences awed her and still the deep silence held her It was the same scene and yet not the same either for the season was now far advanced and the melting of the snows had begun In the far distance the whiteness seemed as before but on the slopes near at hand the green was beginning to assert itself, and some of the great trees had cast off their heavy burdens and appeared more gloomy in their freedom than in the days of their snowbondage The roads were no longer quite so even as before the sledge glided along when it could and bumped along when it must Still there was sufficient snow left to make the drive possible and even pleasant
The two companions were quiet Once only the Disagreeable Man made a remark and then he said
I am afraid my negatives will be spoilt
You said that before Bernardine remarked
Well I say it again he answered in his grim way
Then came a long pause
The best part of the winter is over he said We may have some more snow but it is more probable that we shall not It is not enjoyable being here during the melting time
Well in any case I should not be here much longer she said and for a simple reason too I have nearly come to the end of my money I shall have to go back and set to work again I should not have been able to give myself this chance but that my uncle spared me some of his money to which I added my savings
Are you badly off the Disagreeable Man asked rather timidly
I have very few wants she answered brightly And wealth is only a relative word after all
It is a pity that you should go back to work so soon he said half to himself You are only just better and it is easy to lose what one has gained
Oh I am not likely to lose she answered but I shall be careful this time I shall do a little teaching and perhaps a little writing not much—you need not be vexed I shall not try to pick up the other threads yet I shall not be political nor educational nor anything else great
If you call politics or education great he said And heaven defend me from political or highly educated women
You say that because you know nothing about them she said sharply
Thank you he replied I have met them quite often enough
That was probably some time ago she said rather heartlessly If you have lived here so long how can you judge of the changes which go on in the world outside Petershof
If I have lived here so long he repeated in the bitterness of his heart
Bernardine did not notice she was on a subject which always excited her
I dont know so much about the political women she said but I do know about the higher education people The writers who rail against the women of this date are really describing the women of ten years ago Why the Girton girl of ten years ago seems a different creation from the Girton girl of today Yet the latter has been the steady outgrowth of the former!"
And the difference between them asked the Disagreeable Man since you pride yourself on being so well informed
The Girton girl of ten years ago said Bernardine was a sombre spectacled person carelessly and dowdily dressed who gave herself up to wisdom and despised every one who did not know the Agamemnon by heart She was probably not lovable but she deserves to be honoured and thankfully remembered She fought for womans right to be well educated and I cannot bear to hear her slighted The freshhearted young girl who nowadays plays a good game of tennis and takes a high place in the Classical or Mathematical Tripos and is book learnèd without being bookish and
What other virtues are left I wonder he interrupted
And who does not scorn to take a pride in her looks because she happens to take a pride in her books continued Bernardine looking at the Disagreeable Man and not seeming to see him she is what she is by reason of that grave and loveless woman who won the battle for her
Here she paused
But how ridiculous for me to talk to you in this way she said It is not likely that you would be interested in the widening out of womens lives
And pray why not he asked Have I been on the shelf too long
I think you would not have been interested even if you had never been on the shelf she said frankly You are not the type of man to be generous to woman
May I ask one little question of you which shall conclude this subject he said since here we are already at the Gasthaus to which type of learnèd woman do you lay claim to belong
Bernardine laughed
That I leave to your own powers of discrimination she said and then added if you have any
And that was the end of the matter for the word spread about that Herr Allitsen had arrived and every one turned out to give the two guests greeting Frau Steinhart smothered Bernardine with motherly tenderness and whispered in her ear
You are betrothed now liebes Fräulein Ach I am sure of it
But Bernardine smiled and shook her head and went to greet the others who crowded round them and at last poor Catharina drew near too holding Bernardines hand lovingly within her own Then Hans Lizas lover came upon the scene and Liza told the Disagreeable Man that she and Hans were to be married in a months time And the Disagreeable Man much to Bernardines amazement drew from his pocket a small parcel which he confided to Lizas care Every one pressed round her while she opened it and found what she had so often wished for a silver watch and chain
Ach she cried how heavenly How all the girls here will envy me
How angry my dear friend Susanna will be
Then there were the photographs to be examined
Liza looked with stubborn disapproval on the pictures of herself in her workingdress But she did not conceal her admiration of the portraits which showed her to the world in her best finery
Ach she cried this is something like a photograph
The Disagreeable Man grunted but behaved after the fashion of a hero claiming however a little silent sympathy from Bernardine
It was a pleasant homely scene and Bernardine who felt quite at her ease amongst these people chatted away with them as though she had known them all her life
Then Frau Steinhart suddenly remembered that her guests needed some food and Liza was despatched to her duties as cook though it was some time before she could be induced to leave off looking at the photographs
Take them with you Liza said the Disagreeable Man Then we shall get our meal all the quicker
She ran off laughing and finally Bernardine found herself alone with
Catharina
Liza is very happy she said to Bernardine She loves and is loved
That is the greatest happiness Bernardine said half to herself
Fräulein knows Catharina asked eagerly
Bernardine looked wistfully at her companion No Catharina she said
I have only heard and read and seen
Then you cannot understand Catharina said almost proudly But I understand
She spoke no more after that but took up her knitting and watched Bernardine playing with the kittens She was playing with the kittens and she was thinking and all the time she felt conscious that this peasant woman stricken in mind and body was pitying her because that great happiness of loving and being loved had not come into her life It had seemed something apart from her she had never even wanted it She had wished to stand alone like a little rock out at sea
And now
In a few minutes the Disagreeable Man and she sat down to their meal In spite of her excitement Liza managed to prepare everything nicely though when she was making the omelette aux fines herbes she had to be kept guarded lest she might run off to have another look at the silver watch and the photographs of herself in her finest frock
Then Bernardine and Robert Allitsen drank to the health of Hans and
Liza and then came the time of reckoning When he was paying the bill
Frau Steinhart having given him the change said coaxingly
Last time you and Fräulein each paid a share today you pay all Then perhaps you are betrothed at last dear Herr Allitsen Ach how the old Hausfrau wishes you happiness Who deserves to be happy if it is not our dear Herr Allitsen
You have given me twenty centimes too much he said quietly You have your head so full of other things that you cannot reckon properly
But seeing that she looked troubled lest she might have offended him he added quickly
When I am betrothed good little old housemother you shall be the first to know
And she had to be content with that She asked no more questions of either of them but she was terribly disappointed There was something a little comical in her disappointment but Robert Allitsen was not amused at it as he had been on a former occasion As he leaned back in the sledge with the same girl for his companion he recalled his feelings He had been astonished and amused and perhaps a little shy and a great deal relieved that she had been sensible enough to be amused too
And now
They had been constantly together for many months he who had never cared before for companionship had found himself turning more and more to her
And now he was going to lose her
He looked up once or twice to make sure that she was still by his side she sat there so quietly At last he spoke in his usual gruff way
Have you exhausted all your eloquence in your oration about learned women he asked
No I am reserving it for a better audience she answered trying to be bright But she was not bright
I believe you came out to the country to day to seek for cheerfulness he said after a pause Have you found it
I do not know she said It takes me some time to recover from shocks and Mr Reffolds death was a sorrow to me What do you think about death Have you any theories about life and death and the bridge between them Could you say anything to help one
Nothing he answered Who could And by what means
Has there been no value in philosophy she asked and the meditations of learnèd men
Philosophy he sneered What has it done for us It has taught us some processes of the mind's working taught us a few wonderful things which interest the few but the centuries have come and gone and the only thing which the whole human race pants to know remains unknown our beloved ones shall we meet them and how—the great secret of the universe We ask for bread and these philosophers give us a stone What help could come from them or from any one Death is simply one of the hard facts of life
And the greatest evil she said
We weave our romances about the next world he continued and any one who has a fresh romance to relate or an old one dressed up in new language will be listened to and welcomed That helps some people for a little while and when the charm of the romance is over then they are ready for another perhaps more fantastic than the last But the plot is always the same our beloved ones—shall we meet them and how Isnt it pitiful Why cannot we be more impersonal These puny petty minds of ours When will they learn to expand
Why should we learn to be more impersonal she said There was a time when I felt like that but now I have learnt something better that we need not be ashamed of being human above all of having the best of human instincts love and the passionate wish for its continuance and the unceasing grief at its withdrawal There is no indignity in this nor any trace of weakmindedness in our restless craving to know about the Hereafter and the possibilities of meeting again those whom we have lost here It is right and natural and lovely that it should be the most important question I know that many will say that there are weightier questions they say so but do they think so Do we want to know first and foremost whether we shall do our work better elsewhere whether we shall be endowed with more wisdom whether as poor Mr Reffold said we shall be glad to behave less like curs and more like heroes These questions come in but they can be put aside The other question can never be put on one side If that were to become possible it would only be so because the human heart had lost the best part of itself, its own humanity We shall go on building our bridge between life and death each one for himself When we see that it is not strong enough we shall break it down and build another We shall watch other people building their bridges We shall imitate or criticise or condemn But as time goes on we shall learn not to interfere we shall know that one bridge is probably as good as the other and that the greatest value of them all has been in the building of them It does not matter what we build but build we must you and I and every one
I have long ceased to build my bridge the Disagreeable Man said
It is an almost unconscious process she said Perhaps you are still at work or perhaps you are resting
He shrugged his shoulders and the two comrades fell into silence again
They were within two miles of Petershof when he broke the silence there was something wonderfully gentle in his voice
You little thing he said we are nearing home and I have something to ask you It is easier for me to ask here in the free open country where the space seems to give us breathing room for our cramped lungs and minds
Well she said kindly she wondered what he could have to say
I am a little nervous of offending you he continued and yet I trust you It is only this You said you had come to the end of your money and that you must go home It seems a pity when you are getting better I have so much more than I need I dont offer it to you as a gift but I thought if you wished to stay longer a loan from me would not be quite impossible to you You could repay as quickly or as slowly as was convenient to you and I should only be grateful and
He stopped suddenly
The tears had gathered in Bernardines eyes her hand rested for one moment on his arm
Mr Allitsen she said you did well to trust me But I could not borrow money of any one unless I was obliged If I could of any one it would have been of you It is not a month ago since I was a little anxious about money my remittances did not come I thought then that if obliged to ask for temporary help I should come to you so you see if you have trusted me I too have trusted you
A smile passed over the Disagreeable Mans face one of his rare beautiful smiles
Supposing you change your mind he said quietly you will not find that I have changed mine
Then a few minutes brought them back to Petershof
CHAPTER XVIII
A BETROTHAL
HE had loved her so patiently and now he felt that he must have his answer It was only fair to her and to himself too that he should know exactly where he stood in her affections She had certainly given him little signs here and there which had made him believe that she was not indifferent to his admiration Little signs were all very well for a short time but meanwhile the season was coming to an end she had told him that she was going back to her work at home And then perhaps he would lose her altogether It would not be safe now for him to delay a single day longer So the little postman armed himself with courage
Wärlis brain was muddled that day He who prided himself upon knowing the names of all the guests in Petershof made the most absurd mistakes about people and letters too and received in acknowledgment of his stupidity a series of scoldings which would have unnerved a stronger person than the little hunchback postman
In fact he ceased to care how he gave out the letters all the envelopes seemed to have the same name on them Marie Truog Every word which he tried to decipher turned to that so finally he tried no more leaving the destination of the letter to be decided by the impulse of the moment At last he arrived at that quarter of the Kurhaus where Marie held sway He heard her singing in her pantry Suddenly she was summoned downstairs by an impatient bellringer and on her return found Wärli waiting in the passage
What a goose you are she cried throwing a letter at him you have left the wrong letter at No 82
Then some one else rang and Marie hurried off again She came back with another letter in her hand and found Wärli sitting in her pantry
The wrong letter left at No 54 she said and Madame in a horrid temper in consequence What a nuisance you are today Wärli Cant you read Here give the remaining letters to me Ill sort them
Wärli took off his little round hat and wiped his forehead
I cant read today Marie he said something has gone wrong with me Every name I look at turns to Marie Truog I ought to have brought every one of the letters to you But I knew they could not be all for you though you have so many admirers For they would not be likely to write at the same time to catch the same post
It would be very dull if they did said Marie who was polishing some waterbottles with more diligence than was usual or even necessary
But I am the one who loves you Mariechen the little postman said I have always loved you ever since I can remember I am not much to look at Mariechen the binding of the book is not beautiful but the book itself is not a bad book
Marie went on polishing the waterbottles Then she held them up to the light to admire their unwonted cleanness
I dont plead for myself continued Wärli If you dont love me that is the end of the matter But if you do love me Mariechen and will marry me you wont be unhappy Now I have said all
Marie put down the waterbottles and turned to Wärli
You have been a long time in telling me she said pouting Why didnt you tell me three months ago Its too late now
Oh Mariechen said the little postman seizing her hand and covering it with kisses you love some one else—you are already betrothed And now its too late and you love some one else
I never said I loved some one else Marie replied I only said it was too late Why it must be nearly five oclock and my lamps are not yet ready I havent a moment to spare Dear me and there is no oil in the can no not one little drop
The devil take the oil exclaimed Wärli snatching the can out of her hands What do I want to know about the oil in the can I want to know about the love in your heart Oh Mariechen dont keep me waiting like this Just tell me if you love me and make me the merriest soul in all Switzerland
Must I tell the truth she said in a most melancholy tone of voice the truth and nothing else Well Wärli if you must know how I grieve to hurt you Wärlis heart sank the tears came into his eyes But since it must be the truth and nothing else continued the torturer well Fritz I love you
A few minutes afterwards the Disagreeable Man having failed to attract any notice by ringing descended to Maries pantry to fetch his lamp He discovered Wärli embracing his betrothed
I am sorry to intrude he said grimly and he retreated at once But directly afterwards he came back
The matron has just come upstairs he said And he hurried away
CHAPTER XIX
SHIPS THAT SPEAK EACH OTHER IN PASSING
MANY of the guests in the foreign quarter had made a start downwards into the plains and the Kurhaus itself though still well filled with visitors was every week losing some of its invalids A few of the tables looked desolate and some were not occupied at all the lingerers having chosen now that their party was broken up to seek the refuge of another table So that many stragglers found their way to the English diningboard each bringing with him his own national bad manners and causing much annoyance to the Disagreeable Man who was a true John Bull in his contempt of all foreigners The English table was so he said like England herself the haven of other nations offscourings
There were several other signs too that the season was far advanced The food had fallen off in quality and quantity The invalids some of them better and some of them worse had become impatient And plans were being discussed where formerly temperatures and coughs and general symptoms were the usual subjects of conversation The caretakers too were in a state of agitation some few keenly anxious to be of to new pastures and others who had perhaps formed attachments an occurrence not unusual in Petershof were wishing to hold back time with both hands and were therefore delighted that the weather which had not yet broken up gave no legitimate excuse for immediate departure
Pretty Fräulein Müller had gone leaving her Spanish gentleman quite disconsolate for the time being The French Marchioness had returned to the Parisian circles where she was celebrated for all the domestic virtues from which she had been taking such a prolonged holiday in Petershof The little French danseuse and her poodle had left for Monte Carlo M Lichinsky and his mother passed on to the Tyrol where Madame would no doubt have plenty of opportunities for quarrelling or not finding them would certainly make them without any delay by this means keeping herself in good spirits and her son in bad health There were some too who had hurried off without paying their doctors being of course those who had received the greatest attention and who had expressed the greatest gratitude in their time of trouble but who were of opinion that thankfulness could very well take the place of francs an opinion not entirely shared by the doctors themselves
The Swedish professor had betaken himself off with his chessmen and his chessboard The little Polish governess who clutched so eagerly at her paltry winnings caressing those centimes with the same fondness and fever that a greater gambler grasps his thousands of francs she had left too and indeed most of Bernardines acquaintances had gone their several ways after six months constant intercourse and companionship saying goodbye with the same indifference as though they were saying goodmorning or goodafternoon
This coldheartedness struck Bernardine more than once and she spoke of it to Robert Allitsen It was the day before her own departure and she had gone down with him to the restaurant and sat sipping her coffee and making her complaint
Such indifference is astonishing and it is sad too I cannot understand it she said
That is because you are a goose he replied pouring out some more coffee for himself and as an after thought for her too You pretend to know something about the human heart and yet you do not seem to grasp the fact that most of us are very little interested in other people they for us and we for them can spare only a small fraction of time and attention We may perhaps think to the contrary believing that we occupy an important position in their lives until one day when we are feeling most confident of our value we see an unmistakable sign given quite unconsciously by our friends that we are after all nothing to them we can be done without put on one side and forgotten when not present Then if we are foolish we are wounded by this discovery and we draw back into ourselves But if we are wise we draw back into ourselves without being wounded recognizing as fair and reasonable that people can only have time and attention for their immediate belongings Isolated persons have to learn this lesson sooner or later and the sooner they do learn it the better
And you she asked you have learnt this lesson
Long ago he said decidedly
You take a hard view of life she said
Life has not been very bright for me he answered But I own that I have not cultivated my garden And now it is too late the weeds have sprung up everywhere Once or twice I have thought lately that I would begin to clear away the weeds but I have not the courage now And perhaps it does not matter much
I think it does matter she said gently But I am no better than you for I have not cultivated my garden
It would not be such a difficult business for you as for me he said smiling sadly
They left the restaurant and sauntered out together
And tomorrow you will be gone he said
I shall miss you Bernardine said
That is simply a question of time he remarked I shall probably miss you at first But we adjust ourselves easily to altered circumstances mercifully A few days a few weeks at most and then that state of becoming accustomed called by pious folk resignation
Then you think that the everyday companionship the everyday exchange of thoughts and ideas counts for little or nothing she asked
That is about the colour of it he answered in his old gruff way
She thought of his words when she was packing the many pleasant hours were to count for nothing for nothing the little bits of fun the little displays of temper and vexation the snatches of serious talk the contradictions and all the petty details of six months close companionship
He was not different from the others who had parted from her so lightly
No wonder then that he could sympathise with them
That last night at Petershof Bernardine hardened her heart against the
Disagreeable Man
I am glad I am able to do so she said to herself It makes it easier for me to go
Then the vision of a forlorn figure rose before her And the little hard heart softened at once
In the morning they breakfasted together as usual There was scarcely any conversation between them He asked for her address and she told him that she was going back to her uncle who kept the secondhand book shop in Stone Street
I will send you a guidebook from the Tyrol he explained I shall be going there in a week or two to see my mother
I hope you will find her in good health she said
Then it suddenly flashed across her mind what he had told her about his one great sacrifice for his mothers sake She looked up at him and he met her glance without flinching
He said goodbye to her at the foot of the staircase
It was the first time she had ever shaken hands with him
Goodbye he said gently Good luck to you
Goodbye she answered
He went up the stairs and turned round as though he wished to say something more But he changed his mind and kept his own counsel
An hour later Bernardine left Petershof Only the concierge of the
Kurhaus saw her off at the station
CHAPTER XX
A LOVELETTER
TWO days after Bernardine had left Petershof the snows began to melt Nothing could be drearier than that process nothing more desolate than the outlook
The Disagreeable Man sat in his bedroom trying to read Carpenters Anatomy It failed to hold him Then he looked out of the window and listened to the dripping of the icicles At last he took a pen and wrote as follows
LITTLE COMRADE LITTLE PLAYMATE
I could not believe that you were really going When you first said that you would soon be leaving I listened with unconcern because it did not seem possible that the time could come when we should not be together that the days would come and go and that I should not know how you were whether you were better and more hopeful about your life and your work or whether the old misery of indifference and illhealth was still clinging to you whether your voice was strong as of one who had slept well and felt refreshed or whether it was weak like that of one who had watched through the long night
It did not seem possible that such a time could come Many cruel things have happened to me as to scores of others but this is the most cruel of all Against my wish and against my knowledge you have crept into my life as a necessity and now I have to give you up You are better God bless you and you go back to a fuller life and to carry on your work and to put to account those talents which no one realises more than I do and as for myself God help me I am left to wither away
You little one you dear little one I never wished to love you I had never loved any one never drawn near to any one I have lived lonely all my young life for I am only a young man yet I said to myself time after time I will not love her It will not do me any good nor her any good And then in my state of health what right had I to think of marriage and making a home for myself Of course that was out of the question And then I thought that because I was a doomed man cut off from the pleasures which make a lovely thing of life it did not follow that I might not love you in my own quiet way hugging my secret to myself until the love became all the greater because it was my secret I reasoned about it too it could not harm you that I loved you No one could be the worse for being loved So little by little I yielded myself this luxury and my heart once so dried up began to flower again yes little one you will smile when I tell you that my heart broke out into flower
When I think of it all now I am not sorry that I let myself go At least I have learnt what I knew nothing of before now I understand what people mean when they say that love adds a dignity to life which nothing else can give That dignity is mine now nothing can take it from me it is my own You are my very own I love everything about you From the beginning I recognized that you were clever and capable Though I often made fun of what you said that was simply a way I had and when I saw you did not mind I continued in that way hoping always to vex you your good temper provoked me because I knew that you made allowances for me being a Petershof invalid You would never have suffered a strong man to criticize you as I did you would have flown at him for you are a feverish little child not a quiet woolly lamb At first I was wild that you should make allowances for me And then I gave in as weak men are obliged When you came I saw that your troubles and sufferings would make you bitter Do you know who helped to cure you It was I I have seen that often before That is the one little bit of good I have done in the world I have helped to cure cynicism You were shocked at the things I said and you were saved I did not save you intentionally so I am not posing as a philanthropist I merely mention that you came here hard and you went back tender That was partly because you have lived in the City of Suffering Some people live there and learn nothing But you would learn to feel only too much I wish that your capacity for feeling were less but then you would not be yourself your present self I mean for you have changed even since I have known you Every week you seemed to become more gentle You thought me rough and gruff at parting little comrade I meant to be so If you had only known there was a whole world of tenderness for you in my heart I could not trust myself to be tender to you you would have guessed my secret And I wanted you to go away undisturbed You do not feel things lightly and it was best for you that you should harden your heart against me
If you could harden your heart against me But I am not sure about that I believe that Ah well Im a foolish fellow but some day dear Ill tell you what I think I have treasured many of your sayings in my memory I can never be as though I had never known you Many of your words I have repeated to myself afterwards until they seemed to represent my own thoughts I specially remember what you said about God having made us lonely so that we might be obliged to turn to him For we are all lonely though some of us not quite so much as others You yourself spoke often of being lonely Oh my own little one Your loneliness is nothing compared to mine How often I could have told you that
I have never seen any of your work but I think you have now something to say to others and that you will say it well And if you have the courage to be simple when it comes to the point you will succeed And I believe you will have the courage I believe everything of you
But whatever you do or do not you will always be the same to me my own little one my very own I have been waiting all my life for you and I have given you my heart entire If you only knew that you could not call yourself lonely any more If any one was ever loved it is you dear heart
Do you remember how those peasants at the Gasthaus thought we were betrothed I thought that might annoy you and though I was relieved at the time still later on I wished you had been annoyed That would have shown that you were not indifferent From that time my love for you grew apace You must not mind me telling you so often I must go on telling you Just think dear this is the first loveletter I have ever written and every word of love is a whole world of love I shall never call my life a failure now I may have failed in everything else but not in loving Oh little one it cant be that I am not to be with you and not to have you for my own And yet how can that be It is not I who may hold you in my arms Some strong man must love and wrap you round with tenderness and softness You little independent child in spite of all your wonderful views and theories you will soon be glad to lean on some one for comfort and sympathy And then perhaps that troubled little spirit of yours may find its rest Would to God I were that strong man
But because I love you my own little darling I will not spoil your life I wont ask you to give me even one thought But if I believed that it were of any good to say a prayer I should pray that you may soon find that strong man for it is not well for any of us to stand alone There comes a time when the loneliness is more than we can bear
There is one thing I want you to know indeed I am not the gruff fellow I have so often seemed Do believe that Do you remember how I told you that I dreamed of losing you And now the dream has come true I am always looking for you and cannot find you
You have been very good to me so patient and genial and frank No one before has ever been so good Even if I did not love you I should say that
But I do love you no one can take that from me it is my own dignity the crown of my life Such a poor life no no I wont say that now I cannot pity myself now no I cannot
The Disagreeable Man stopped writing and the pen dropped on the table
He buried his tearstained face in his hands He cried his heart out this Disagreeable Man
Then he took the letter which he had just been writing and he tore it into fragments
END OF PART I
PART II
CHAPTER I
THE DUSTING OF THE BOOKS
IT was now more than three weeks since Bernardines return to London She had gone back to her old home at her uncles secondhand bookshop She spent her time in dusting the books and arranging them in some kind of order for old Zerviah Holme had ceased to interest himself much in his belongings and sat in the little inner room reading as usual Gibbons History of Rome Customers might please themselves about coming Zerviah Holme had never cared about amassing money and now he cared even less than before A frugal breakfast a frugal dinner a box full of snuff and a shelf full of Gibbon were the old mans only requirements an undemanding life and therefore a loveless one since the less we ask for the less we get
When Malvina his wife died people said He will miss her
But he did not seem to miss her he took his breakfast his pinch of snuff his Gibbon in precisely the same way as before and in the same quantities
When Bernardine first fell ill people said He will be sorry He is fond of her in his own queer way
But he did not seem to be sorry He did not understand anything about illness The thought of it worried him so he put it from him He remembered vaguely that Bernardines father had suddenly become ill that his powers had all failed him and that he lingered on just a wreck of humanity and then died That was twenty years ago Then he thought of Bernardine and said to himself History repeats itself That was all
Unkind No for when it was told him that she must go away he looked at her wonderingly and then went out It was very rarely that he went out He came back with fifty pounds
When that is done he told her I can find more
When she went away people said He will be lonely
But he did not seem to be lonely They asked him once and he said
I always have Gibbon
And when she came back they said He will be glad
But her return seemed to make no difference to him
He looked at her in his usual sightless manner and asked her what she intended to do
I shall dust the books she said
Ah I dare say they want it he remarked
I shall get a little teaching to do she continued And I shall take care of you
Ah he said vaguely He did not understand what she meant She had never been very near to him and he had never been very near to her He had taken but little notice of her comings and goings she had either never tried to win his interest or had failed probably the latter Now she was going to take care of him
This was the home to which Bernardine had returned She came back with many resolutions to help to make his old age bright She looked back now and saw how little she had given of herself to her aunt and her uncle Aunt Malvina was dead and Bernardine did not regret her Uncle Zerviah was here still she would be tender with him and win his affection She thought she could not begin better than by looking after his books Each one was dusted carefully The dingy old shop was restored to cleanliness Bernardine became interested in her task I will work up the business she thought She did not care in the least about the books she never looked into them except to clean them but she was thankful to have the occupation at hand something to help her over a difficult time For the most trying part of an illness is when we are ill no longer when there is no excuse for being idle and listless when in fact we could work if we would then is the moment for us to begin on anything which presents itself until we have the courage and the inclination to go back to our own particular work that which we have longed to do and about which we now care nothing
So Bernardine dusted books and sometimes sold them All the time she thought of the Disagreeable Man She missed him in her life She had never loved before and she loved him The forlorn figure rose before her and her eyes filled with tears Sometimes the tears fell on the books and spotted them
Still on the whole she was bright but she found things difficult She had lost her old enthusiasms and nothing yet had taken their place She went back to the circle of her acquaintances and found that she had slipped away from touch with them Whilst she had been ill they had been busily at work on matters social and educational and political
She thought them hard the women especially they thought her weak They were disappointed in her she was now looking for the more human qualities in them and she too was disappointed
You have changed they said to her but then of course you have been ill havent you
With these strong active people to be ill and useless is a reproach And Bernardine felt it as such But she had changed and she herself perceived it in many ways It was not that she was necessarily better but that she was different probably more human and probably less self confident She had lived in a world of books and she had burst through that bondage and come out into a wider and a freer land
New sorts of interests came into her life What she had lost in strength she had gained in tenderness Her very manner was gentler her mode of speech less assertive At least this was the criticism of those who had liked her but little before her illness
She has learnt they said amongst themselves And they were not scholars They knew
These two or three of them drew her nearer to them She was alone there with the old man and though better needed care They mothered her as well as they could at first timidly and then with that sweet despotism which is for us all an easy yoke to bear They were drawn to her as they had never been drawn before They felt that she was no longer analysing them weighing them in her intellectual balance and finding them wanting so they were free with her now and revealed to her qualities at which she had never guessed before
As the days went on Zerviah began to notice that things were somehow different He found some flowers near his table He was reading about Nero at the time but he put aside his Gibbon and fondled the flowers instead Bernardine did not know that
One morning when she was out he went into the shop and saw a great change there Some one had been busy at work The old man was pleased he loved his books though of late he had neglected them
She never used to take any interest in them he said to himself
I wonder why she does now
He began to count upon seeing her When she came back from her outings he was glad But she did not know If he had given any sign of welcome to her during those first difficult days it would have been a great encouragement to her
He watched her feeding the sparrows One day when she was not there he went and did the same Another day when she had forgotten he surprised her by reminding her
You have forgotten to feed the sparrows he said They must be quite hungry
That seemed to break the ice a little The next morning when she was arranging some books in the old shop he came in and watched her
It is a comfort to have you he said That was all he said but
Bernardine flushed with pleasure
I wish I had been more to you all these years she said gently
He did not quite take that in and returned hastily to Gibbon
Then they began to stroll out together They had nothing to talk about he was not interested in the outside world and she was not interested in Roman History But they were trying to get nearer to each other they had lived years together but they had never advanced a step now they were trying she consciously he unconsciously But it was a slow process and pathetic as everything human is
If we could only find some subject which we both liked Bernardine thought to herself That might knit us together
Well they found a subject though perhaps it was an unlikely one The carthorses those great strong patient toilers of the road attracted their attention and after that no walk was without its pleasure or interest The brewers horses were the favourites though there were others too which met with their approval He began to know and recognize them He was almost like a child in his newfound interest On Whit Monday they both went to the carthorse parade in Regents Park They talked about the enjoyment for days afterwards
Next year he told her we must subscribe to the fund even if we have to sell a book
He did not like to sell his books he parted with them painfully as some people part with their illusions
Bernardine bought a paper for herself every day but one evening she came in without one She had been seeing after some teaching and had without any difficulty succeeded in getting some temporary light work at one of the high schools She forgot to buy her newspaper
The old man noticed this He put on his shabby felt hat and went down the street and brought in a copy of the Daily News
I dont remember what you like but will this do he asked
He was quite proud of himself for showing her this attention almost as proud as the Disagreeable Man when he did something kind and thoughtful
Bernardine thought of him and the tears came into her eyes at once When did she not think of him Then she glanced at the front sheet and in the death column her eye rested on his name and she read that Robert Allitsens mother had passed away So the Disagreeable Man had won his freedom at last His words echoed back to her
But I know how to wait if I have not learnt anything else I have learnt how to wait And some day I shall be free And then
CHAPTER II
BERNARDINE BEGINS HER BOOK
AFTER the announcement of Mrs Allitsens death Bernardine lived in a misery of suspense Every day she scanned the obituary fearing to find the record of another death fearing and yet wishing to know The Disagreeable Man had yearned for his freedom these many years and now he was at liberty to do what he chose with his poor life It was of no value to him Many a time she sat and shuddered Many a time she began to write to him Then she remembered that after all he had cared nothing for her companionship He would not wish to hear from her And besides what had she to say to him
A feeling of desolation came over her It was not enough for her to take care of the old man who was drawing nearer to her every day nor was it enough for her to dust the books and serve any chance customers who might look in In the midst of her trouble she remembered some of her old ambitions and she turned to them for comfort as we turn to old friends
I will try to begin my book she said to herself If I can only get interested in it I shall forget my anxiety
But the love of her work had left her Bernardine fretted She sat in the old bookshop her pen unused her paper uncovered She was very miserable
Then one evening when she was feeling that it was of no use trying to force herself to begin her book she took her pen suddenly and wrote the following prologue
CHAPTER III
FAILURE AND SUCCESS A PROLOGUE
FAILURE and Success passed away from Earth and found themselves in a Foreign Land Success still wore her laurelwreath which she had won on Earth There was a look of ease about her whole appearance and there was a smile of pleasure and satisfaction on her face as though she knew she had done well and had deserved her honours
Failures head was bowed no laurelwreath encircled it Her face was wan and painengraven She had once been beautiful and hopeful but she had long since lost both hope and beauty They stood together these two waiting for an audience with the Sovereign of the Foreign Land An old greyhaired man came to them and asked their names
I am Success said Success advancing a step forward and smiling at him and pointing to her laurelwreath
He shook his head
Ah he said do not be too confident Very often things go by opposites in this land What you call Success we often call Failure what you call Failure we call Success Do you see those two men waiting there The one nearer to us was thought to be a good man in your world the other was generally accounted bad But here we call the bad man good and the good man bad That seems strange to you Well then look yonder You considered that statesman to be sincere but we say he was insincere We chose as our poetlaureate a man at whom your world scoffed Ay and those flowers yonder for us they have a fragrant charm we love to see them near us But you do not even take the trouble to pluck them from the hedges where they grow in rich profusion So you see what we value as a treasure you do not value at all
Then he turned to Failure
And your name he asked kindly though indeed he must have known it
I am Failure she said sadly
He took her by the hand
Come now Success he said to her let me lead you into the
PresenceChamber
Then she who had been called Failure and was now called Success lifted up her bowed head and raised her weary frame and smiled at the music of her new name And with that smile she regained her beauty and her hope And hope having come back to her all her strength returned
But what of her she asked regretfully of the old greyhaired man must she be left
She will learn the old man whispered She is learning already
Come now we must not linger
So she of the new name passed into the PresenceChamber
But the Sovereign said
The world needs you dear and honoured worker You know your real name do not heed what the world may call you Go back and work but take with you this time unconquerable hope
So she went back and worked taking with her unconquerable hope and the sweet remembrance of the Sovereigns words and the gracious music of her Real Name
CHAPTER IV
THE DISAGREEABLE MAN GIVES UP HIS FREEDOM
THE morning after Bernardine began her book she and old Zerviah were sitting together in the shop He had come from the little inner room where he had been reading Gibbon for the last two hours He still held the volume in his hand but he did not continue reading he watched her arranging the pages of a dilapidated book
Suddenly she looked up from her work
Uncle Zerviah she said brusquely you have lived through a long life and must have passed through many different experiences Was there ever a time when you cared for people rather than books
Yes he answered a little uneasily He was not accustomed to have questions asked of him
Tell me about it she said
It was long ago he said half dreamily long before I married
Malvina And she died That was all
That was all repeated Bernardine looking at him wonderingly
Then she drew nearer to him
And you have loved Uncle Zerviah And you were loved
Yes indeed he answered softly
Then you would not laugh at me if I were to unburden my heart to you
For answer she felt the touch of his old hand on her head And thus encouraged she told him the story of the Disagreeable Man She told him how she had never before loved any one until she loved the Disagreeable Man
It was all very quietly told in a simple and dignified manner nevertheless for all that it was an unburdening of her heart her listener being an old scholar who had almost forgotten the very name of love
She was still talking and he was still listening when the shop door creaked Zerviah crept quietly away and Bernardine looked up
The Disagreeable Man stood at the counter
You little thing he said I have come to see you It is eight years since I was in England
Bernardine leaned over the counter
And you ought not to be here now she said looking at his thin face
He seemed to have shrunk away since she had last seen him
I am free to do what I choose he said My mother is dead
I know Bernardine said gently But you are not free
He made no answer to that but slipped into the chair
You look tired he said What have you been doing
I have been dusting the books she answered smiling at him You remember you told me I should be content to do that The very oldest and shabbiest have had my tenderest care I found the shop in disorder You see it now
I should not call it particularly tidy now he said grimly Still
I suppose you have done your best Well and what else
I have been trying to take care of my old uncle she said We are just beginning to understand each other a little And he is beginning to feel glad to have me When I first discovered that the days became easier to me It makes us into dignified persons when we find out that there is a place for us to fill
Some people never find it out he said
Probably like myself they went on for a long time without caring she answered I think I have had more luck than I deserve
Well said the Disagreeable Man And you are glad to take up your life again
No she said quietly I have not got as far as that yet But I believe that after some little time I may be glad I hope so I am working for that Sometimes I begin to have a keen interest in everything I wake up with an enthusiasm After about two hours I have lost it again
Poor little child he said tenderly I too know what that is But you will get back to gladness not the same kind of satisfaction as before but some other satisfaction that compensation which is said to be included in the scheme
And I have begun my book she said pointing to a few sheets lying on the counter that is to say I have written the Prologue
Then the dusting of the books has not sufficed he said scanning her curiously
I wanted not to think of myself Bernardine said Now that I have begun it I shall enjoy going on with it I hope it will be a companion to me
I wonder whether you will make a failure or a success of it he remarked I wish I could have seen
So you will she said I shall finish it and you will read it in
Petershof
I shall not be going back to Petershof he said Why should I go there now
For the same reason that you went there eight years ago she said
I went there for my mothers sake he said
Then you will go there now for my sake she said deliberately
He looked up quickly
Little Bernardine he cried my Little Bernardine—is it possible that you care what becomes of me
She had been leaning against the counter and now she raised herself and stood erect a proud dignified little figure
Yes I do care she said simply and with true earnestness I care with all my heart And even if I did not care you know you would not be free No one is free You know that better than I do We do not belong to ourselves there are countless people depending on us people whom we have never seen and whom we never shall see What we do decides what they will be
He still did not speak
But it is not for those others that I plead she continued I plead for myself I cant spare you indeed indeed I cant spare you
Her voice trembled but she went on bravely
So you will go back to the mountains she said You will live out your life like a man Others may prove themselves cowards but the Disagreeable Man has a better part to play
He still did not speak Was it that he could not trust himself to words But in that brief time the thoughts which passed through his mind were such as to overwhelm him A picture rose up before him a picture of a man and woman leading their lives together each happy in the others love not a love born of fancy but a love based on comradeship and true understanding of the soul The picture faded and the Disagreeable Man raised his eyes and looked at the little figure standing near him
Little child little child he said wearily since it is your wish
I will go back to the mountains
Then he bent over the counter and put his hand on hers
I will come and see you tomorrow he said I think there are one or two things I want to say to you
The next moment he was gone
In the afternoon of that same day Bernardine went to the City She was not unhappy she had been making plans for herself She would work hard and fill her life as full as possible There should be no room for unhealthy thought She would go and spend her holidays in Petershof There would be pleasure in that for him and for her She would tell him so tomorrow She knew he would be glad
Above all she said to herself there shall be no room for unhealthy thought I must cultivate my garden
That was what she was thinking of at four in the afternoon how she could best cultivate her garden
At five she was lying unconscious in the accidentward of the New
Hospital she had been knocked down by a waggon and terribly injured
She will not recover the Doctor said to the nurse You see she is sinking rapidly Poor little thing
At six she regained consciousness, and opened her eyes The nurse bent over her Then she whispered
Tell the Disagreeable Man how I wish I could have seen him tomorrow
We had so much to say to each other And now
The brown eyes looked at the nurse so entreatingly It was a long time before she could forget the pathos of those brown eyes
A few minutes later she made another sign as though she wished to speak Nurse Katharine bent nearer Then she whispered
Tell the Disagreeable Man to go back to the mountains and begin to build his bridge it must be strong and
Bernardine died
CHAPTER V
THE BUILDING OF THE BRIDGE
ROBERT ALLITSEN came to the old bookshop to see Zerviah Holme before returning to the mountains He found him reading Gibbon These two men had stood by Bernardines grave
I was beginning to know her the old man said
I have always known her the young man said I cannot remember a time when she has not been part of my life
She loved you Zerviah said She was telling me so the very morning when you came
Then with a tenderness which was almost foreign to him Zerviah told Robert Allitsen how Bernardine had opened her heart to him She had never loved any one before but she had loved the Disagreeable Man
I did not love him because I was sorry for him she had said I loved him for himself
Those were her very words
Thank you said the Disagreeable Man And God bless you for telling me
Then he added
There were some few loose sheets of paper on the counter She had begun her book May I have them
Zerviah placed them in his hand
And this photograph the old man said kindly I will spare it for you
The picture of the little thin eager face was folded up with the papers
The two men parted
Zerviah Holme went back to his Roman History The Disagreeable Man went back to the mountains to live his life out there and to build his bridge as we all do whether consciously or unconsciously If it breaks down we build it again
We will build it stronger this time we say to ourselves
So we begin once more
We are very patient
And meanwhile the years pass
THE END