Charles Dickens
The Personal History of
David Copperfield
Preface
I remarked in the original Preface to this Book that I did not find it easy to
get sufficiently far away from it in the first sensations of having finished
it to refer to it with the composure which this formal heading would seem to
require My interest in it was so recent and strong and my mind was so divided
between pleasure and regret pleasure in the achievement of a long design
regret in the separation from many companions that I was in danger of wearying
the reader with personal confidences and private emotions
Besides which all that I could have said of the Story to any purpose I had
endeavoured to say in it
It would concern the reader little perhaps to know how sorrowfully the pen
is laid down at the close of a twoyears imaginative task or how an Author
feels as if he were dismissing some portion of himself into the shadowy world
when a crowd of the creatures of his brain are going from him for ever Yet I
had nothing else to tell unless indeed I were to confess which might be of
less moment still that no one can ever believe this Narrative in the reading
more than I believed it in the writing
So true are these avowals at the present day that I can now only take the
reader into one confidence more Of all my books I like this the best It will
be easily believed that I am a fond parent to every child of my fancy and that
no one can ever love that family as dearly as I love them But like many fond
parents I have in my heart of hearts a favourite child And his name is DAVID
COPPERFIELD
Chapter I
I Am Born
Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life or whether that station
will be held by anybody else these pages must show To begin my life with the
beginning of my life I record that I was born as I have been informed and
believe on a Friday at twelve oclock at night It was remarked that the clock
began to strike and I began to cry simultaneously
In consideration of the day and hour of my birth it was declared by the
nurse and by some sage women in the neighbourhood who had taken a lively
interest in me several months before there was any possibility of our becoming
personally acquainted first that I was destined to be unlucky in life and
secondly that I was privileged to see ghosts and spirits both these gifts
inevitably attaching as they believed to all unlucky infants of either gender
born towards the small hours on a Friday night
I need say nothing here on the first head because nothing can show better
than my history whether that prediction was verified or falsified by the result
On the second branch of the question I will only remark that unless I ran
through that part of my inheritance while I was still a baby I have not come
into it yet But I do not at all complain of having been kept out of this
property and if anybody else should be in the present enjoyment of it he is
heartily welcome to keep it
I was born with a caul which was advertised for sale in the newspapers at
the low price of fifteen guineas Whether seagoing people were short of money
about that time or were short of faith and preferred cork jackets I dont
know all I know is that there was but one solitary bidding and that was from
an attorney connected with the billbroking business who offered two pounds in
cash and the balance in sherry but declined to be guaranteed from drowning on
any higher bargain Consequently the advertisement was withdrawn at a dead loss
for as to sherry my poor dear mothers own sherry was in the market then
and ten years afterwards the caul was put up in a raffle down in our part of the
country to fifty members at halfacrown a head the winner to spend five
shillings I was present myself and I remember to have felt quite uncomfortable
and confused at a part of myself being disposed of in that way The caul was
won I recollect by an old lady with a handbasket who very reluctantly
produced from it the stipulated five shillings all in halfpence and twopence
halfpenny short as it took an immense time and a great waste of arithmetic to
endeavour without any effect to prove to her It is a fact which will be long
remembered as remarkable down there that she was never drowned but died
triumphantly in bed at ninetytwo I have understood that it was to the last
her proudest boast that she never had been on the water in her life except
upon a bridge and that over her tea to which she was extremely partial she
to the last expressed her indignation at the impiety of mariners and others
who had the presumption to go meandering about the world It was in vain to
represent to her that some conveniences tea perhaps included resulted from
this objectionable practice She always returned with greater emphasis and with
an instinctive knowledge of the strength of her objection »Let us have no
meandering«
Not to meander myself at present I will go back to my birth
I was born at Blunderstone in Suffolk or thereby as they say in Scotland
I was a posthumous child My fathers eyes had closed upon the light of this
world six months when mine opened on it There is something strange to me even
now in the reflection that he never saw me and something stranger yet in the
shadowy remembrance that I have of my first childish associations with his white
gravestone in the churchyard and of the indefinable compassion I used to feel
for it lying out alone there in the dark night when our little parlour was warm
and bright with fire and candle and the doors of our house were almost
cruelly it seemed to me sometimes bolted and locked against it
An aunt of my fathers and consequently a greataunt of mine of whom I
shall have more to relate by and by was the principal magnate of our family
Miss Trotwood or Miss Betsey as my poor mother always called her when she
sufficiently overcame her dread of this formidable personage to mention her at
all which was seldom had been married to a husband younger than herself who
was very handsome except in the sense of the homely adage handsome is that
handsome does for he was strongly suspected of having beaten Miss Betsey and
even of having once on a disputed question of supplies made some hasty but
determined arrangements to throw her out of a two pair of stairs window These
evidences of an incompatibility of temper induced Miss Betsey to pay him off
and effect a separation by mutual consent He went to India with his capital
and there according to a wild legend in our family he was once seen riding on
an elephant in company with a Baboon but I think it must have been a Baboo
or a Begum Any how from India tidings of his death reached home within ten
years How they affected my aunt nobody knew for immediately upon the
separation she took her maiden name again bought a cottage in a hamlet on the
seacoast a long way off established herself there as a single woman with one
servant and was understood to live secluded ever afterwards in an inflexible
retirement
My father had once been a favourite of hers I believe but she was mortally
affronted by his marriage on the ground that my mother was a wax doll She had
never seen my mother but she knew her to be not yet twenty My father and Miss
Betsey never met again He was double my mothers age when he married and of
but a delicate constitution He died a year afterwards and as I have said six
months before I came into the world
This was the state of matters on the afternoon of what I may be excused for
calling that eventful and important Friday I can make no claim therefore to
have known at that time how matters stood or to have any remembrance founded
on the evidence of my own senses of what follows
My mother was sitting by the fire but poorly in health and very low in
spirits looking at it through her tears and desponding heavily about herself
and the fatherless little stranger who was already welcomed by some grosses of
prophetic pins in a drawer upstairs to a world not at all excited on the
subject of his arrival my mother I say was sitting by the fire that bright
windy March afternoon very timid and sad and very doubtful of ever coming
alive out of the trial that was before her when lifting her eyes as she dried
them to the window opposite she saw a strange lady coming up the garden
My mother had a sure foreboding at the second glance that it was Miss
Betsey The setting sun was glowing on the strange lady over the gardenfence
and she came walking up to the door with a fell rigidity of figure and composure
of countenance that could have belonged to nobody else
When she reached the house she gave another proof of her identity My
father had often hinted that she seldom conducted herself like any ordinary
Christian and now instead of ringing the bell she came and looked in at that
identical window pressing the end of her nose against the glass to that extent
that my poor dear mother used to say it became perfectly flat and white in a
moment
She gave my mother such a turn that I have always been convinced I am
indebted to Miss Betsey for having been born on a Friday
My mother had left her chair in her agitation and gone behind it in the
corner Miss Betsey looking round the room slowly and inquiringly began on
the other side and carried her eyes on like a Saracens Head in a Dutch clock
until they reached my mother Then she made a frown and a gesture to my mother
like one who was accustomed to be obeyed to come and open the door My mother
went
»Mrs David Copperfield I think« said Miss Betsey the emphasis referring
perhaps to my mothers mourning weeds and her condition
»Yes« said my mother faintly
»Miss Trotwood« said the visitor »You have heard of her I dare say«
My mother answered she had had that pleasure And she had a disagreeable
consciousness of not appearing to imply that it had been an overpowering
pleasure
»Now you see her« said Miss Betsey My mother bent her head and begged her
to walk in
They went into the parlour my mother had come from the fire in the best
room on the other side of the passage not being lighted not having been
lighted indeed since my fathers funeral and when they were both seated and
Miss Betsey said nothing my mother after vainly trying to restrain herself
began to cry
»Oh tut tut tut« said Miss Betsey in a hurry »Dont do that Come
come«
My mother couldnt help it notwithstanding so she cried until she had had
her cry out
»Take off your cap child« said Miss Betsey »and let me see you«
My mother was too much afraid of her to refuse compliance with this odd
request if she had any disposition to do so Therefore she did as she was told
and did it with such nervous hands that her hair which was luxuriant and
beautiful fell all about her face
»Why bless my heart« exclaimed Miss Betsey »You are a very Baby«
My mother was no doubt unusually youthful in appearance even for her
years she hung her head as if it were her fault poor thing and said
sobbing that indeed she was afraid she was but a childish widow and would be
but a childish mother if she lived In a short pause which ensued she had a
fancy that she felt Miss Betsey touch her hair and that with no ungentle hand
but looking at her in her timid hope she found that lady sitting with the
skirt of her dress tucked up her hands folded on one knee and her feet upon
the fender frowning at the fire
»In the name of Heaven« said Miss Betsey suddenly »why Rookery«
»Do you mean the house maam« asked my mother
»Why Rookery« said Miss Betsey »Cookery would have been more to the
purpose if you had had any practical ideas of life either of you«
»The name was Mr Copperfields choice« returned my mother »When he bought
the house he liked to think that there were rooks about it«
The evening wind made such a disturbance just now among some tall old
elmtrees at the bottom of the garden that neither my mother nor Miss Betsey
could forbear glancing that way As the elms bent to one another, like giants
who were whispering secrets and after a few seconds of such repose fell into a
violent flurry tossing their wild arms about as if their late confidences were
really too wicked for their peace of mind some weatherbeaten ragged old
rooksnests burdening their higher branches swung like wrecks upon a stormy
sea
»Where are the birds« asked Miss Betsey
»The « My mother had been thinking of something else
»The rooks what has become of them« asked Miss Betsey
»There have not been any since we have lived here« said my mother »We
thought Mr Copperfield thought it was quite a large rookery but the nests
were very old ones and the birds have deserted them a long while«
»David Copperfield all over« cried Miss Betsey »David Copperfield from
head to foot Calls a house a rookery when theres not a rook near it and takes
the birds on trust because he sees the nests«
»Mr Copperfield« returned my mother »is dead and if you dare to speak
unkindly of him to me «
My poor dear mother I suppose had some momentary intention of committing
an assault and battery upon my aunt who could easily have settled her with one
hand even if my mother had been in far better training for such an encounter
than she was that evening But it passed with the action of rising from her
chair and she sat down again very meekly and fainted
When she came to herself or when Miss Betsey had restored her whichever it
was she found the latter standing at the window The twilight was by this time
shading down into darkness and dimly as they saw each other they could not
have done that without the aid of the fire
»Well« said Miss Betsey coming back to her chair as if she had only been
taking a casual look at the prospect »and when do you expect «
»I am all in a tremble« faltered my mother »I dont know whats the
matter I shall die I am sure«
»No no no« said Miss Betsey »Have some tea«
»Oh dear me dear me do you think it will do me any good« cried my mother
in a helpless manner
»Of course it will« said Miss Betsey »Its nothing but fancy What do you
call your girl«
»I dont know that it will be a girl yet maam« said my mother
innocently
»Bless the Baby« exclaimed Miss Betsey unconsciously quoting the second
sentiment of the pincushion in the drawer upstairs but applying it to my
mother instead of me »I dont mean that I mean your servant«
»Peggotty« said my mother
»Peggotty« repeated Miss Betsey with some indignation »Do you mean to
say child that any human being has gone into a Christian church and got
herself named Peggotty«
»Its her surname« said my mother faintly »Mr Copperfield called her by
it because her Christian name was the same as mine«
»Here Peggotty« cried Miss Betsey opening the parlourdoor »Tea Your
mistress is a little unwell Dont dawdle«
Having issued this mandate with as much potentiality as if she had been a
recognised authority in the house ever since it had been a house and having
looked out to confront the amazed Peggotty coming along the passage with a
candle at the sound of a strange voice Miss Betsey shut the door again and sat
down as before with her feet on the fender the skirt of her dress tucked up
and her hands folded on one knee
»You were speaking about its being a girl« said Miss Betsey »I have no
doubt it will be a girl I have a presentiment that it must be a girl Now
child from the moment of the birth of this girl «
»Perhaps boy« my mother took the liberty of putting in
»I tell you I have a presentiment that it must be a girl« returned Miss
Betsey »Dont contradict From the moment of this girls birth child I intend
to be her friend I intend to be her godmother and I beg youll call her Betsey
Trotwood Copperfield There must be no mistakes in life with this Betsey
Trotwood There must be no trifling with her affections poor dear She must be
well brought up and well guarded from reposing any foolish confidences where
they are not deserved I must make that my care«
There was a twitch of Miss Betseys head after each of these sentences as
if her own old wrongs were working within her and she repressed any plainer
reference to them by strong constraint So my mother suspected at least as she
observed her by the low glimmer of the fire too much scared by Miss Betsey too
uneasy in herself and too subdued and bewildered altogether to observe
anything very clearly or to know what to say
»And was David good to you child« asked Miss Betsey when she had been
silent for a little while and these motions of her head had gradually ceased
»Were you comfortable together«
»We were very happy« said my mother »Mr Copperfield was only too good to
me«
»What he spoilt you I suppose« returned Miss Betsey
»For being quite alone and dependent on myself in this rough world again
yes I fear he did indeed« sobbed my mother
»Well Dont cry« said Miss Betsey »You were not equally matched child
if any two people can be equally matched and so I asked the question You were
an orphan werent you«
»Yes«
»And a governess«
»I was nurserygoverness in a family where Mr Copperfield came to visit
Mr Copperfield was very kind to me and took a great deal of notice of me and
paid me a good deal of attention and at last proposed to me And I accepted
him And so we were married« said my mother simply
»Ha Poor Baby« mused Miss Betsey with her frown still bent upon the fire
»Do you know anything«
»I beg your pardon maam« faltered my mother
»About keeping house for instance« said Miss Betsey
»Not much I fear« returned my mother »Not so much as I could wish But
Mr Copperfield was teaching me «
»Much he knew about it himself« said Miss Betsey in a parenthesis
»And I hope I should have improved being very anxious to learn and he
very patient to teach if the great misfortune of his death« my mother broke
down again here and could get no farther
»Well well« said Miss Betsey
»I kept my housekeepingbook regularly and balanced it with Mr
Copperfield every night« cried my mother in another burst of distress and
breaking down again
»Well well« said Miss Betsey »Dont cry any more«
»And I am sure we never had a word of difference respecting it except
when Mr Copperfield objected to my threes and fives being too much like each
other or to my putting curly tails to my sevens and nines« resumed my mother
in another burst and breaking down again
»Youll make yourself ill« said Miss Betsey »and you know that will not be
good either for you or for my goddaughter Come You mustnt do it«
This argument had some share in quieting my mother though her increasing
indisposition had perhaps a larger one There was an interval of silence only
broken by Miss Betseys occasionally ejaculating »Ha« as she sat with her feet
upon the fender
»David has bought an annuity for himself with his money I know« said she
by and by »What did he do for you«
»Mr Copperfield« said my mother answering with some difficulty »was so
considerate and good as to secure the reversion of a part of it to me«
»How much« asked Miss Betsey
»A hundred and five pounds a year« said my mother
»He might have done worse« said my aunt
The word was appropriate to the moment My mother was so much worse that
Peggotty coming in with the teaboard and candles and seeing at a glance how
ill she was as Miss Betsey might have done sooner if there had been light
enough conveyed her upstairs to her own room with all speed and immediately
despatched Ham Peggotty her nephew who had been for some days past secreted in
the house unknown to my mother as a special messenger in case of emergency to
fetch the nurse and doctor
Those allied powers were considerably astonished when they arrived within a
few minutes of each other to find an unknown lady of portentous appearance
sitting before the fire with her bonnet tied over her left arm stopping her
ears with jewellers cotton Peggotty knowing nothing about her and my mother
saying nothing about her she was quite la mystery in the parlour and the fact
of her having a magazine of jewellers cotton in her pocket and sticking the
article in her ears in that way did not detract from the solemnity of her
presence
The doctor having been upstairs and come down again and having satisfied
himself I suppose that there was a probability of this unknown lady and
himself having to sit there face to face for some hours laid himself out to
be polite and social He was the meekest of his sex the mildest of little men
He sidled in and out of a room to take up the less space He walked as softly
as the Ghost in Hamlet and more slowly He carried his head on one side partly
in modest depreciation of himself partly in modest propitiation of everybody
else It is nothing to say that he hadnt a word to throw at a dog He couldnt
have thrown a word at a mad dog He might have offered him one gently or half a
one or a fragment of one for he spoke as slowly as he walked but he wouldnt
have been rude to him and he couldnt have been quick with him for any earthly
consideration
Mr Chillip looking mildly at my aunt with his head on one side and making
her a little bow said in allusion to the jewellers cotton as he softly
touched his left ear
»Some local irritation maam«
»What« replied my aunt pulling the cotton out of one ear like a cork
Mr Chillip was so alarmed by her abruptness as he told my mother
afterwards that it was a mercy he didnt lose his presence of mind But he
repeated sweetly
»Some local irritation maam«
»Nonsense« replied my aunt and corked herself again at one blow
Mr Chillip could do nothing after this but sit and look at her feebly as
she sat and looked at the fire until he was called upstairs again After some
quarter of an hours absence he returned
»Well« said my aunt taking the cotton out of the ear nearest to him
»Well maam« returned Mr Chillip »we are we are progressing slowly
maam«
»Ba a ah« said my aunt with a perfect shake on the contemptuous
interjection And corked herself as before
Really really as Mr Chillip told my mother he was almost shocked
speaking in a professional point of view alone he was almost shocked But he sat
and looked at her notwithstanding for nearly two hours as she sat looking at
the fire until he was again called out After another absence he again
returned
»Well« said my aunt taking out the cotton on that side again
»Well maam« returned Mr Chillip »we are we are progressing slowly
maam«
»Ya a ah« said my aunt With such a snarl at him that Mr Chillip
absolutely could not bear it It was really calculated to break his spirit he
said afterwards He preferred to go and sit upon the stairs in the dark and a
strong draught until he was again sent for
Ham Peggotty who went to the national school and was a very dragon at his
catechism and who may therefore be regarded as a credible witness reported
next day that happening to peep in at the parlourdoor an hour after this he
was instantly descried by Miss Betsey then walking to and fro in a state of
agitation and pounced upon before he could make his escape That there were now
occasional sounds of feet and voices overhead which he inferred the cotton did
not exclude from the circumstance of his evidently being clutched by the lady
as a victim on whom to expend her superabundant agitation when the sounds were
loudest That marching him constantly up and down by the collar as if he had
been taking too much laudanum she at those times shook him rumpled his
hair made light of his linen stopped his ears as if she confounded them with
her own and otherwise touzled and maltreated him This was in part confirmed by
his aunt who saw him at halfpast twelve oclock soon after his release and
affirmed that he was then as red as I was
The mild Mr Chillip could not possibly bear malice at such a time if at
any time He sidled into the parlour as soon as he was at liberty and said to
my aunt in his meekest manner
»Well maam I am happy to congratulate you«
»What upon« said my aunt sharply
Mr Chillip was fluttered again by the extreme severity of my aunts
manner so he made her a little bow and gave her a little smile to mollify
her
»Mercy on the man whats he doing« cried my aunt impatiently »Cant he
speak«
»Be calm my dear maam« said Mr Chillip in his softest accents »There
is no longer any occasion for uneasiness maam Be calm«
It has since been considered almost a miracle that my aunt didnt shake him
and shake what he had to say out of him She only shook her own head at him but
in a way that made him quail
»Well maam« resumed Mr Chillip as soon as he had courage »I am happy
to congratulate you All is now over maam and well over«
During the five minutes or so that Mr Chillip devoted to the delivery of
this oration my aunt eyed him narrowly
»How is she« said my aunt folding her arms with her bonnet still tied on
one of them
»Well maam she will soon be quite comfortable I hope« returned Mr
Chillip »Quite as comfortable as we can expect a young mother to be under
these melancholy domestic circumstances There cannot be any objection to your
seeing her presently maam It may do her good«
»And she How is she« said my aunt sharply
Mr Chillip laid his head a little more on one side and looked at my aunt
like an amiable bird
»The baby« said my aunt »How is she«
»Maam« returned Mr Chillip »I apprehended you had known Its a boy«
My aunt said never a word but took her bonnet by the strings in the manner
of a sling aimed a blow at Mr Chillips head with it put it on bent walked
out and never came back She vanished like a discontented fairy or like one of
those supernatural beings whom it was popularly supposed I was entitled to see
and never came back any more
No I lay in my basket and my mother lay in her bed but Betsey Trotwood
Copperfield was for ever in the land of dreams and shadows the tremendous
region whence I had so lately travelled and the light upon the window of our
room shone out upon the earthly bourne of all such travellers and the mound
above the ashes and the dust that once was he without whom I had never been
Chapter II
I Observe
The first objects that assume a distinct presence before me as I look far back
into the blank of my infancy are my mother with her pretty hair and youthful
shape and Peggotty with no shape at all and eyes so dark that they seemed to
darken their whole neighbourhood in her face and cheeks and arms so hard and
red that I wondered the birds didnt peck her in preference to apples
I believe I can remember these two at a little distance apart dwarfed to my
sight by stooping down or kneeling on the floor and I going unsteadily from the
one to the other I have an impression on my mind which I cannot distinguish
from actual remembrance of the touch of Peggottys forefinger as she used to
hold it out to me and of its being roughened by needlework like a pocket
nutmeggrater
This may be fancy though I think the memory of most of us can go farther
back into such times than many of us suppose just as I believe the power of
observation in numbers of very young children to be quite wonderful for its
closeness and accuracy Indeed I think that most grown men who are remarkable
in this respect may with greater propriety be said not to have lost the
faculty, than to have acquired it the rather as I generally observe such men
to retain a certain freshness and gentleness and capacity of being pleased
which are also an inheritance they have preserved from their childhood
I might have a misgiving that I am meandering in stopping to say this but
that it brings me to remark that I build these conclusions in part upon my own
experience of myself and if it should appear from anything I may set down in
this narrative that I was a child of close observation or that as a man I have
a strong memory of my childhood I undoubtedly lay claim to both of these
characteristics
Looking back as I was saying into the blank of my infancy the first
objects I can remember as standing out by themselves from a confusion of things
are my mother and Peggotty What else do I remember Let me see
There comes out of the cloud our house not new to me but quite familiar
in its earliest remembrance On the groundfloor is Peggottys kitchen opening
into a back yard with a pigeonhouse on a pole in the centre without any
pigeons in it a great dogkennel in a corner without any dog and a quantity
of fowls that look terribly tall to me walking about in a menacing and
ferocious manner There is one cock who gets upon a post to crow and seems to
take particular notice of me as I look at him through the kitchen window who
makes me shiver he is so fierce Of the geese outside the sidegate who come
waddling after me with their long necks stretched out when I go that way I
dream at night as a man environed by wild beasts might dream of lions
Here is a long passage what an enormous perspective I make of it
leading from Peggottys kitchen to the frontdoor A dark storeroom opens out
of it and that is a place to be run past at night for I dont know what may be
among those tubs and jars and old teachests when there is nobody in there with
a dimlyburning light letting a mouldy air come out at the door in which there
is the smell of soap pickles pepper candles and coffee all at one whiff
Then there are the two parlours the parlour in which we sit of an evening my
mother and I and Peggotty for Peggotty is quite our companion when her work
is done and we are alone and the best parlour where we sit on a Sunday
grandly but not so comfortably There is something of a doleful air about that
room to me for Peggotty has told me I dont know when but apparently ages
ago about my fathers funeral and the company having their black cloaks put
on One Sunday night my mother reads to Peggotty and me in there how Lazarus
was raised up from the dead And I am so frightened that they are afterwards
obliged to take me out of bed and show me the quiet churchyard out of the
bedroom window with the dead all lying in their graves at rest below the
solemn moon
There is nothing half so green that I know anywhere as the grass of that
churchyard nothing half so shady as its trees nothing half so quiet as its
tombstones The sheep are feeding there when I kneel up early in the morning
in my little bed in a closet within my mothers room to look out at it and I
see the red light shining on the sundial and think within myself »Is the
sundial glad I wonder that it can tell the time again«
Here is our pew in the church What a highbacked pew With a window near
it out of which our house can be seen and is seen many times during the
mornings service by Peggotty who likes to make herself as sure as she can
that its not being robbed or is not in flames But though Peggottys eye
wanders she is much offended if mine does and frowns to me as I stand upon
the seat that I am to look at the clergyman But I cant always look at him I
know him without that white thing on and I am afraid of his wondering why I
stare so and perhaps stopping the service to inquire and what am I to do
Its a dreadful thing to gape but I must do something I look at my mother but
she pretends not to see me I look at a boy in the aisle and he makes faces at
me I look at the sunlight coming in at the open door through the porch and
there I see a stray sheep I dont mean a sinner but mutton half making up
his mind to come into the church I feel that if I looked at him any longer I
might be tempted to say something out loud and what would become of me then I
look up at the monumental tablets on the wall and try to think of Mr Bodgers
late of this parish and what the feelings of Mrs Bodgers must have been when
affliction sore long time Mr Bodgers bore and physicians were in vain I
wonder whether they called in Mr Chillip and he was in vain and if so how he
likes to be reminded of it once a week I look from Mr Chillip in his Sunday
neckcloth to the pulpit and think what a good place it would be to play in
and what a castle it would make with another boy coming up the stairs to attack
it and having the velvet cushion with the tassels thrown down on his head In
time my eyes gradually shut up and from seeming to hear the clergyman singing
a drowsy song in the heat I hear nothing until I fall off the seat with a
crash and am taken out more dead than alive by Peggotty
And now I see the outside of our house with the latticed bedroom windows
standing open to let in the sweetsmelling air and the ragged old rooksnests
still dangling in the elmtrees at the bottom of the front garden Now I am in
the garden at the back beyond the yard where the empty pigeonhouse and
dogkennel are a very preserve of butterflies as I remember it with a high
fence and a gate and padlock where the fruit clusters on the trees riper and
richer than fruit has ever been since in any other garden and where my mother
gathers some in a basket while I stand by bolting furtive gooseberries and
trying to look unmoved A great wind rises and the summer is gone in a moment
We are playing in the winter twilight dancing about the parlour When my mother
is out of breath and rests herself in an elbowchair I watch her winding her
bright curls round her fingers and straightening her waist and nobody knows
better than I do that she likes to look so well and is proud of being so
pretty
That is among my very earliest impressions That and a sense that we were
both a little afraid of Peggotty and submitted ourselves in most things to her
direction were among the first opinions if they may be so called that I
ever derived from what I saw
Peggotty and I were sitting one night by the parlour fire alone I had been
reading to Peggotty about crocodiles I must have read very perspicuously or
the poor soul must have been deeply interested for I remember she had a cloudy
impression after I had done that they were a sort of vegetable I was tired of
reading and dead sleepy but having leave as a high treat to sit up until my
mother came home from spending the evening at a neighbours I would rather have
died upon my post of course than have gone to bed I had reached that stage of
sleepiness when Peggotty seemed to swell and grow immensely large I propped my
eyelids open with my two forefingers and looked perseveringly at her as she sat
at work at the little bit of waxcandle she kept for her thread how old it
looked being so wrinkled in all directions at the little house with a
thatched roof where the yardmeasure lived at her workbox with a sliding lid
with a view of St Pauls Cathedral with a pink dome painted on the top at
the brass thimble on her finger at herself whom I thought lovely I felt so
sleepy that I knew if I lost sight of anything for a moment I was gone
»Peggotty« says I suddenly »were you ever married«
»Lord Master Davy« replied Peggotty »Whats put marriage in your head«
She answered with such a start that it quite awoke me And then she stopped
in her work and looked at me with her needle drawn out to its threads length
»But were you ever married Peggotty« says I »You are a very handsome
woman ant you«
I thought her in a different style from my mother certainly but of another
school of beauty I considered her a perfect example There was a red velvet
footstool in the best parlour on which my mother had painted a nosegay The
groundwork of that stool and Peggottys complexion appeared to me to be one and
the same thing The stool was smooth and Peggotty was rough but that made no
difference
»Me handsome Davy« said Peggotty »Lawk no my dear But what put
marriage in your head«
»I dont know You mustnt marry more than one person at a time may you
Peggotty«
»Certainly not« says Peggotty with the promptest decision
»But if you marry a person and the person dies why then you may marry
another person maynt you Peggotty«
»You MAY« says Peggotty »if you choose my dear Thats a matter of
opinion«
»But what is your opinion Peggotty« said I
I asked her and looked curiously at her because she looked so curiously at
me
»My opinion is« said Peggotty taking her eyes from me after a little
indecision and going on with her work »that I never was married myself Master
Davy and that I dont expect to be Thats all I know about the subject«
»You ant cross I suppose Peggotty are you« said I after sitting quiet
for a minute
I really thought she was she had been so short with me but I was quite
mistaken for she laid aside her work which was a stocking of her own and
opening her arms wide took my curly head within them and gave it a good
squeeze I know it was a good squeeze because being very plump whenever she
made any little exertion after she was dressed some of the buttons on the back
of her gown flew off And I recollect two bursting to the opposite side of the
parlour while she was hugging me
»Now let me hear some more about the Crorkindills« said Peggotty who was
not quite right in the name yet »for I ant heard half enough«
I couldnt quite understand why Peggotty looked so queer or why she was so
ready to go back to the crocodiles However we returned to those monsters with
fresh wakefulness on my part and we left their eggs in the sand for the sun to
hatch and we ran away from them and baffled them by constantly turning which
they were unable to do quickly on account of their unwieldy make and we went
into the water after them as natives and put sharp pieces of timber down their
throats and in short we ran the whole crocodile gauntlet I did at least but
I had my doubts of Peggotty who was thoughtfully sticking her needle into
various parts of her face and arms all the time
We had exhausted the crocodiles and begun with the alligators when the
gardenbell rang We went out to the door and there was my mother looking
unusually pretty I thought and with her a gentleman with beautiful black hair
and whiskers who had walked home with us from church last Sunday
As my mother stooped down on the threshold to take me in her arms and kiss
me the gentleman said I was a more highly privileged little fellow than a
monarch or something like that for my later understanding comes I am
sensible to my aid here
»What does that mean« I asked him over her shoulder
He patted me on the head but somehow I didnt like him or his deep voice
and I was jealous that his hand should touch my mothers in touching me which
it did I put it away as well as I could
»Oh Davy« remonstrated my mother
»Dear boy« said the gentleman »I cannot wonder at his devotion«
I never saw such a beautiful colour on my mothers face before She gently
chid me for being rude and keeping me close to her shawl turned to thank the
gentleman for taking so much trouble as to bring her home She put out her hand
to him as she spoke and as he met it with his own she glanced I thought at
me
»Let us say good night my fine boy« said the gentleman when he had bent
his head I saw him over my mothers little glove
»Good night« said I
»Come Let us be the best friends in the world« said the gentleman
laughing »Shake hands«
My right hand was in my mothers left so I gave him the other
»Why thats the wrong hand Davy« laughed the gentleman
My mother drew my right hand forward but I was resolved for my former
reason not to give it him and I did not I gave him the other and he shook it
heartily and said I was a brave fellow and went away
At this minute I see him turn round in the garden and give us a last look
with his illomened black eyes before the door was shut
Peggotty who had not said a word or moved a finger secured the fastenings
instantly and we all went into the parlour My mother contrary to her usual
habit instead of coming to the elbowchair by the fire remained at the other
end of the room and sat singing to herself
»Hope you have had a pleasant evening maam« said Peggotty standing as
stiff as a barrel in the centre of the room with a candlestick in her hand
»Much obliged to you Peggotty« returned my mother in a cheerful voice »I
have had a very pleasant evening«
»A stranger or so makes an agreeable change« suggested Peggotty
»A very agreeable change indeed« returned my mother
Peggotty continuing to stand motionless in the middle of the room and my
mother resuming her singing I fell asleep though I was not so sound asleep but
that I could hear voices without hearing what they said When I half awoke from
this uncomfortable doze I found Peggotty and my mother both in tears and both
talking
»Not such a one as this Mr Copperfield wouldnt have liked« said
Peggotty »That I say and that I swear«
»Good Heavens« cried my mother »youll drive me mad Was ever any poor
girl so illused by her servants as I am Why do I do myself the injustice of
calling myself a girl Have I never been married Peggotty«
»God knows you have maam« returned Peggotty
»Then how can you dare« said my mother »you know I dont mean how can
you dare Peggotty but how can you have the heart to make me so uncomfortable
and say such bitter things to me when you are well aware that I havent out of
this place a single friend to turn to«
»The mores the reason« returned Peggotty »for saying that it wont do
No That it wont do No No price could make it do No« I thought Peggotty
would have thrown the candlestick away she was so emphatic with it
»How can you be so aggravating« said my mother shedding more tears than
before »as to talk in such an unjust manner How can you go on as if it was all
settled and arranged Peggotty when I tell you over and over again you cruel
thing that beyond the commonest civilities nothing has passed You talk of
admiration What am I to do If people are so silly as to indulge the sentiment
is it my fault What am I to do I ask you Would you wish me to shave my head
and black my face or disfigure myself with a burn or a scald or something of
that sort I dare say you would Peggotty I dare say youd quite enjoy it«
Peggotty seemed to take this aspersion very much to heart I thought
»And my dear boy« cried my mother coming to the elbowchair in which I
was and caressing me »my own little Davy Is it to be hinted to me that I am
wanting in affection for my precious treasure the dearest little fellow that
ever was«
»Nobody never went and hinted no such a thing« said Peggotty
»You did Peggotty« returned my mother »You know you did What else was it
possible to infer from what you said you unkind creature when you know as well
as I do that on his account only last quarter I wouldnt buy myself a new
parasol though that old green one is frayed the whole way up and the fringe is
perfectly mangy You know it is Peggotty you cant deny it« Then turning
affectionately to me with her cheek against mine »Am I a naughty mama to you
Davy Am I a nasty cruel selfish bad mama Say I am my child say yes dear
boy and Peggotty will love you and Peggottys love is a great deal better than
mine Davy I dont love you at all do I«
At this we all fell acrying together I think I was the loudest of the
party but I am sure we were all sincere about it I was quite heartbroken
myself and am afraid that in the first transports of wounded tenderness I
called Peggotty a Beast That honest creature was in deep affliction I
remember and must have become quite buttonless on the occasion for a little
volley of those explosives went off when after having made it up with my
mother she kneeled down by the elbowchair and made it up with me
We went to bed greatly dejected My sobs kept waking me for a long time
and when one very strong sob quite hoisted me up in bed I found my mother
sitting on the coverlet and leaning over me I fell asleep in her arms after
that and slept soundly
Whether it was the following Sunday when I saw the gentleman again or
whether there was any greater lapse of time before he reappeared I cannot
recall I dont profess to be clear about dates But there he was in church
and he walked home with us afterwards He came in too to look at a famous
geranium we had in the parlourwindow It did not appear to me that he took
much notice of it but before he went he asked my mother to give him a bit of
the blossom She begged him to choose it for himself but he refused to do that
I could not understand why so she plucked it for him and gave it into his
hand He said he would never never part with it any more and I thought he
must be quite a fool not to know that it would fall to pieces in a day or two
Peggotty began to be less with us of an evening than she had always been
My mother deferred to her very much more than usual it occurred to me and
we were all three excellent friends still we were different from what we used
to be and were not so comfortable among ourselves Sometimes I fancied that
Peggotty perhaps objected to my mothers wearing all the pretty dresses she had
in her drawers or to her going so often to visit at that neighbours but I
couldnt to my satisfaction make out how it was
Gradually I became used to seeing the gentleman with the black whiskers I
liked him no better than at first and had the same uneasy jealousy of him but
if I had any reason for it beyond a childs instinctive dislike and a general
idea that Peggotty and I could make much of my mother without any help it
certainly was not the reason that I might have found if I had been older No
such thing came into my mind or near it I could observe in little pieces as
it were but as to making a net of a number of these pieces and catching
anybody in it that was as yet beyond me
One autumn morning I was with my mother in the front garden when Mr
Murdstone I knew him by that name now came by on horseback He reined up
his horse to salute my mother and said he was going to Lowestoft to see some
friends who were there with a yacht and merrily proposed to take me on the
saddle before him if I would like the ride
The air was so clear and pleasant and the horse seemed to like the idea of
the ride so much himself as he stood snorting and pawing at the gardengate
that I had a great desire to go So I was sent upstairs to Peggotty to be made
spruce and in the meantime Mr Murdstone dismounted and with his horses
bridle drawn over his arm walked slowly up and down on the outer side of the
sweetbriar fence while my mother walked slowly up and down on the inner to
keep him company I recollect Peggotty and I peeping out at them from my little
window I recollect how closely they seemed to be examining the sweetbriar
between them as they strolled along and how from being in a perfectly angelic
temper Peggotty turned cross in a moment and brushed my hair the wrong way
excessively hard
Mr Murdstone and I were soon off and trotting along on the green turf by
the side of the road He held me quite easily with one arm and I dont think I
was restless usually but I could not make up my mind to sit in front of him
without turning my head sometimes and looking up in his face He had that kind
of shallow black eye I want a better word to express an eye that has no depth
in it to be looked into which when it is abstracted seems from some
peculiarity of light to be disfigured for a moment at a time by a cast
Several times when I glanced at him I observed that appearance with a sort of
awe and wondered what he was thinking about so closely His hair and whiskers
were blacker and thicker looked at so near than even I had given them credit
for being A squareness about the lower part of his face and the dotted
indication of the strong black beard he shaved close every day reminded me of
the waxwork that had travelled into our neighbourhood some halfayear before
This his regular eyebrows and the rich white and black and brown of his
complexion confound his complexion and his memory made me think him in
spite of my misgivings a very handsome man I have no doubt that my poor dear
mother thought him so too
We went to an hotel by the sea where two gentlemen were smoking cigars in a
room by themselves Each of them was lying on at least four chairs and had a
large rough jacket on In a corner was a heap of coats and boatcloaks and a
flag all bundled up together
They both rolled on to their feet in an untidy sort of manner when we came
in and said »Halloa Murdstone We thought you were dead«
»Not yet« said Mr Murdstone
»And whos this shaver« said one of the gentlemen taking hold of me
»Thats Davy« returned Mr Murdstone
»Davy who« said the gentleman »Jones«
»Copperfield« said Mr Murdstone
»What Bewitching Mrs Copperfields incumbrance« cried the gentleman »The
pretty little widow«
»Quinion« said Mr Murdstone »take care if you please Somebodys sharp«
»Who is« asked the gentleman laughing
I looked up quickly being curious to know
»Only Brooks of Sheffield« said Mr Murdstone
I was quite relieved to find that it was only Brooks of Sheffield for at
first I really thought it was I
There seemed to be something very comical in the reputation of Mr Brooks of
Sheffield for both the gentlemen laughed heartily when he was mentioned and
Mr Murdstone was a good deal amused also After some laughing the gentleman
whom he had called Quinion said
»And what is the opinion of Brooks of Sheffield in reference to the
projected business«
»Why I dont know that Brooks understands much about it at present«
replied Mr Murdstone »but he is not generally favourable I believe«
There was more laughter at this and Mr Quinion said he would ring the bell
for some sherry in which to drink to Brooks This he did and when the wine
came he made me have a little with a biscuit and before I drank it stand up
and say »Confusion to Brooks of Sheffield« The toast was received with great
applause and such hearty laughter that it made me laugh too at which they
laughed the more In short we quite enjoyed ourselves
We walked about on the cliff after that and sat on the grass and looked at
things through a telescope I could make out nothing myself when it was put to
my eye but I pretended I could and then we came back to the hotel to an early
dinner All the time we were out the two gentlemen smoked incessantly which
I thought if I might judge from the smell of their rough coats they must have
been doing ever since the coats had first come home from the tailors I must
not forget that we went on board the yacht where they all three descended into
the cabin and were busy with some papers I saw them quite hard at work when I
looked down through the open skylight They left me during this time with a
very nice man with a very large head of red hair and a very small shiny hat
upon it who had got a crossbarred shirt or waistcoat on with Skylark in
capital letters across the chest I thought it was his name and that as he
lived on board ship and hadnt a streetdoor to put his name on he put it there
instead but when I called him Mr Skylark he said it meant the vessel
I observed all day that Mr Murdstone was graver and steadier than the two
gentlemen They were very gay and careless They joked freely with one another,
but seldom with him It appeared to me that he was more clever and cold than
they were and that they regarded him with something of my own feeling I
remarked that once or twice when Mr Quinion was talking he looked at Mr
Murdstone sideways as if to make sure of his not being displeased and that
once when Mr Passnidge the other gentleman was in high spirits he trod upon
his foot and gave him a secret caution with his eyes to observe Mr Murdstone
who was sitting stern and silent Nor do I recollect that Mr Murdstone laughed
at all that day except at the Sheffield joke and that by the by was his
own
We went home early in the evening It was a very fine evening and my mother
and he had another stroll by the sweetbriar while I was sent in to get my tea
When he was gone my mother asked me all about the day I had had and what they
had said and done I mentioned what they had said about her and she laughed
and told me they were impudent fellows who talked nonsense but I knew it
pleased her I knew it quite as well as I know it now I took the opportunity of
asking if she was at all acquainted with Mr Brooks of Sheffield but she
answered No only she supposed he must be a manufacturer in the knife and fork
way
Can I say of her face altered as I have reason to remember it perished as
I know it is that it is gone when here it comes before me at this instant as
distinct as any face that I may choose to look on in a crowded street Can I say
of her innocent and girlish beauty that it faded and was no more when its
breath falls on my cheek now as it fell that night Can I say she ever changed
when my remembrance brings her back to life thus only and truer to its loving
youth than I have been or man ever is still holds fast what it cherished then
I write of her just as she was when I had gone to bed after this talk and
she came to bid me good night She kneeled down playfully by the side of the
bed and laying her chin upon her hands and laughing said
»What was it they said Davy Tell me again I cant believe it«
»Bewitching « I began
My mother put her hands upon my lips to stop me
»It was never bewitching« she said laughing »It never could have been
bewitching Davy Now I know it wasnt«
»Yes it was Bewitching Mrs Copperfield« I repeated stoutly »And pretty«
»No no it was never pretty Not pretty« interposed my mother laying her
fingers on my lips again
»Yes it was Pretty little widow«
»What foolish impudent creatures« cried my mother laughing and covering
her face »What ridiculous men Ant they Davy dear «
»Well Ma«
»Dont tell Peggotty she might be angry with them I am dreadfully angry
with them myself but I would rather Peggotty didnt know«
I promised of course and we kissed one another over and over again and I
soon fell fast asleep
It seems to me at this distance of time as if it were the next day when
Peggotty broached the striking and adventurous proposition I am about to
mention but it was probably about two months afterwards
We were sitting as before one evening when my mother was out as before
in company with the stocking and the yard measure and the bit of wax and the
box with Saint Pauls on the lid and the crocodile book when Peggotty after
looking at me several times and opening her mouth as if she were going to
speak without doing it which I thought was merely gaping or I should have
been rather alarmed said coaxingly
»Master Davy how should you like to go along with me and spend a fortnight
at my brothers at Yarmouth Wouldnt that be a treat«
»Is your brother an agreeable man Peggotty« I inquired provisionally
»Oh what an agreeable man he is« cried Peggotty holding up her hands
»Then theres the sea and the boats and ships and the fishermen and the
beach and Am to play with «
Peggotty meant her nephew Ham mentioned in my first chapter but she spoke
of him as a morsel of English Grammar
I was flushed by her summary of delights and replied that it would indeed
be a treat but what would my mother say
»Why then Ill as good as bet a guinea« said Peggotty intent upon my face
»that shell let us go Ill ask her if you like as soon as ever she comes
home There now«
»But whats she to do while we are away« said I putting my small elbows on
the table to argue the point »She cant live by herself«
If Peggotty were looking for a hole all of a sudden in the heel of that
stocking it must have been a very little one indeed and not worth darning
»I say Peggotty She cant live by herself you know«
»Oh bless you« said Peggotty looking at me again at last »Dont you know
Shes going to stay for a fortnight with Mrs Grayper Mrs Graypers going to
have a lot of company«
Oh If that was it I was quite ready to go I waited in the utmost
impatience until my mother came home from Mrs Graypers for it was that
identical neighbour to ascertain if we could get leave to carry out this great
idea Without being nearly so much surprised as I expected my mother entered
into it readily and it was all arranged that night and my board and lodging
during the visit were to be paid for
The day soon came for our going It was such an early day that it came soon
even to me who was in a fever of expectation and half afraid that an
earthquake or a fiery mountain or some other great convulsion of nature, might
interpose to stop the expedition We were to go in a carriers cart which
departed in the morning after breakfast I would have given any money to have
been allowed to wrap myself up overnight and sleep in my hat and boots
It touches me nearly now although I tell it lightly to recollect how eager
I was to leave my happy home to think how little I suspected what I did leave
for ever
I am glad to recollect that when the carriers cart was at the gate and my
mother stood there kissing me a grateful fondness for her and for the old place
I had never turned my back upon before made me cry I am glad to know that my
mother cried too and that I felt her heart beat against mine
I am glad to recollect that when the carrier began to move my mother ran
out at the gate and called to him to stop that she might kiss me once more I
am glad to dwell upon the earnestness and love with which she lifted up her face
to mine and did so
As we left her standing in the road Mr Murdstone came up to where she was
and seemed to expostulate with her for being so moved I was looking back round
the awning of the cart and wondered what business it was of his Peggotty who
was also looking back on the other side seemed anything but satisfied as the
face she brought back in the cart denoted
I sat looking at Peggotty for some time in a reverie on this supposititious
case whether if she were employed to lose me like the boy in the fairy tale I
should be able to track my way home again by the buttons she would shed
Chapter III
I Have a Change
The carriers horse was the laziest horse in the world I should hope and
shuffled along with his head down as if he liked to keep people waiting to
whom the packages were directed I fancied indeed that he sometimes chuckled
audibly over this reflection but the carrier said he was only troubled with a
cough
The carrier had a way of keeping his head down like his horse and of
drooping sleepily forward as he drove with one of his arms on each of his
knees I say »drove« but it struck me that the cart would have gone to Yarmouth
quite as well without him for the horse did all that and as to conversation
he had no idea of it but whistling
Peggotty had a basket of refreshments on her knee which would have lasted
us out handsomely if we had been going to London by the same conveyance We ate
a good deal and slept a good deal Peggotty always went to sleep with her chin
upon the handle of the basket her hold of which never relaxed and I could not
have believed unless I had heard her do it that one defenceless woman could
have snored so much
We made so many deviations up and down lanes and were such a long time
delivering a bedstead at a publichouse and calling at other places that I was
quite tired and very glad when we saw Yarmouth It looked rather spongy and
soppy I thought as I carried my eye over the great dull waste that lay across
the river and I could not help wondering if the world were really as round as
my geographybook said how any part of it came to be so flat But I reflected
that Yarmouth might be situated at one of the poles which would account for it
As we drew a little nearer and saw the whole adjacent prospect lying a
straight low line under the sky I hinted to Peggotty that a mound or so might
have improved it and also that if the land had been a little more separated
from the sea and the town and the tide had not been quite so much mixed up
like toast and water it would have been nicer But Peggotty said with greater
emphasis than usual that we must take things as we found them and that for
her part she was proud to call herself a Yarmouth Bloater
When we got into the street which was strange enough to me and smelt the
fish and pitch and oakum and tar and saw the sailors walking about and the
carts jingling up and down over the stones I felt that I had done so busy a
place an injustice and said as much to Peggotty who heard my expressions of
delight with great complacency and told me it was well known I suppose to
those who had the good fortune to be born Bloaters that Yarmouth was upon the
whole the finest place in the universe
»Heres my Am« screamed Peggotty »growed out of knowledge!«
He was waiting for us in fact at the publichouse and asked me how I
found myself like an old acquaintance I did not feel at first that I knew
him as well as he knew me because he had never come to our house since the
night I was born and naturally he had the advantage of me But our intimacy was
much advanced by his taking me on his back to carry me home He was now a
huge strong fellow of six feet high broad in proportion and roundshouldered
but with a simpering boys face and curly light hair that gave him quite a
sheepish look He was dressed in a canvas jacket and a pair of such very stiff
trousers that they would have stood quite as well alone without any legs in
them And you couldnt so properly have said he wore a hat as that he was
covered in atop like an old building with something pitchy
Ham carrying me on his back and a small box of ours under his arm and
Peggotty carrying another small box of ours we turned down lanes bestrewn with
bits of chips and little hillocks of sand and went past gasworks ropewalks
boatbuilders yards shipwrights yards shipbreakers yards caulkers
yards riggers lofts smiths forges and a great litter of such places until
we came out upon the dull waste I had already seen at a distance when Ham said
»Yons our house Masr Davy«
I looked in all directions as far as I could stare over the wilderness and
away at the sea and away at the river but no house could I make out There was
a black barge or some other kind of superannuated boat not far off high and
dry on the ground with an iron funnel sticking out of it for a chimney and
smoking very cosily but nothing else in the way of a habitation that was
visible to me
»Thats not it« said I »That shiplooking thing«
»Thats it Masr Davy« returned Ham
If it had been Aladdins palace rocs egg and all I suppose I could not
have been more charmed with the romantic idea of living in it There was a
delightful door cut in the side and it was roofed in and there were little
windows in it but the wonderful charm of it was that it was a real boat which
had no doubt been upon the water hundreds of times and which had never been
intended to be lived in on dry land That was the captivation of it to me If
it had ever been meant to be lived in I might have thought it small or
inconvenient or lonely but never having been designed for any such use it
became a perfect abode
It was beautifully clean inside and as tidy as possible There was a table
and a Dutch clock and a chest of drawers and on the chest of drawers there was
a teatray with a painting on it of a lady with a parasol taking a walk with a
militarylooking child who was trundling a hoop The tray was kept from tumbling
down by a bible and the tray if it had tumbled down would have smashed a
quantity of cups and saucers and a teapot that were grouped around the book On
the walls there were some common coloured pictures framed and glazed of
scripture subjects such as I have never seen since in the hands of pedlars
without seeing the whole interior of Peggottys brothers house again at one
view Abraham in red going to sacrifice Isaac in blue and Daniel in yellow cast
into a den of green lions were the most prominent of these Over the little
mantelshelf was a picture of the Sarah Jane lugger built at Sunderland with
a real little wooden stern stuck on to it a work of art combining composition
with carpentry which I considered to be one of the most enviable possessions
that the world could afford There were some hooks in the beams of the ceiling
the use of which I did not divine then and some lockers and boxes and
conveniences of that sort which served for seats and eked out the chairs
All this I saw in the first glance after I crossed the threshold
childlike according to my theory and then Peggotty opened a little door and
showed me my bedroom It was the completest and most desirable bedroom ever seen
in the stern of the vessel with a little window where the rudder used to go
through a little lookingglass just the right height for me nailed against
the wall and framed with oystershells a little bed which there was just room
enough to get into and a nosegay of seaweed in a blue mug on the table The
walls were whitewashed as white as milk and the patchwork counterpane made my
eyes quite ache with its brightness One thing I particularly noticed in this
delightful house was the smell of fish which was so searching that when I
took out my pockethandkerchief to wipe my nose I found it smelt exactly as if
it had wrapped up a lobster On my imparting this discovery in confidence to
Peggotty she informed me that her brother dealt in lobsters crabs and
crawfish and I afterwards found that a heap of these creatures in a state of
wonderful conglomeration with one another, and never leaving off pinching
whatever they laid hold of were usually to be found in a little wooden outhouse
where the pots and kettles were kept
We were welcomed by a very civil woman in a white apron whom I had seen
curtseying at the door when I was on Hams back about a quarter of a mile off
Likewise by a most beautiful little girl or I thought her so with a necklace
of blue beads on who wouldnt let me kiss her when I offered to but ran away
and hid herself By and by when we had dined in a sumptuous manner off boiled
dabs melted butter and potatoes with a chop for me a hairy man with a very
goodnatured face came home As he called Peggotty Lass and gave her a hearty
smack on the cheek I had no doubt from the general propriety of her conduct
that he was her brother and so he turned out being presently introduced to me
as Mr Peggotty the master of the house
»Glad to see you sir« said Mr Peggotty »Youll find us rough sir but
youll find us ready«
I thanked him and replied that I was sure I should be happy in such a
delightful place
»Hows your Ma sir« said Mr Peggotty »Did you leave her pretty jolly«
I gave Mr Peggotty to understand that she was as jolly as I could wish and
that she desired her compliments which was a polite fiction on my part
»Im much obleeged to her Im sure« said Mr Peggotty »Well sir if you
can make out here for a fortnut long wi her« nodding at his sister »and
Ham and little Emly we shall be proud of your company«
Having done the honours of his house in this hospitable manner Mr Peggotty
went out to wash himself in a kettleful of hot water remarking that »cold would
never get his muck off« He soon returned greatly improved in appearance but
so rubicund that I couldnt help thinking his face had this in common with the
lobsters crabs and crawfish that it went into the hot water very black and
came out very red
After tea when the door was shut and all was made snug the nights being
cold and misty now it seemed to me the most delicious retreat that the
imagination of man could conceive To hear the wind getting up out at sea to
know that the fog was creeping over the desolate flat outside and to look at
the fire and think that there was no house near but this one and this one a
boat was like enchantment Little Emly had overcome her shyness and was
sitting by my side upon the lowest and least of the lockers which was just
large enough for us two and just fitted into the chimney corner Mrs Peggotty
with the white apron was knitting on the opposite side of the fire Peggotty at
her needlework was as much at home with Saint Pauls and the bit of waxcandle
as if they had never known any other roof Ham who had been giving me my first
lesson in allfours was trying to recollect a scheme of telling fortunes with
the dirty cards and was printing off fishy impressions of his thumb on all the
cards he turned Mr Peggotty was smoking his pipe I felt it was a time for
conversation and confidence
»Mr Peggotty« says I
»Sir« says he
»Did you give your son the name of Ham because you lived in a sort of ark«
Mr Peggotty seemed to think it a deep idea but answered
»No sir I never giv him no name«
»Who gave him that name then« said I putting question number two of the
catechism to Mr Peggotty
»Why sir his father giv it him« said Mr Peggotty
»I thought you were his father«
»My brother Joe was his father« said Mr Peggotty
»Dead Mr Peggotty« I hinted after a respectful pause
»Drowndead« said Mr Peggotty
I was very much surprised that Mr Peggotty was not Hams father and began
to wonder whether I was mistaken about his relationship to anybody else there I
was so curious to know that I made up my mind to have it out with Mr Peggotty
»Little Emly« I said glancing at her »She is your daughter isnt she
Mr Peggotty«
»No sir My brotherinlaw Tom was her father«
I couldnt help it » Dead Mr Peggotty« I hinted after another
respectful silence
»Drowndead« said Mr Peggotty
I felt the difficulty of resuming the subject but had not got to the bottom
of it yet and must get to the bottom somehow So I said
»Havent you any children Mr Peggotty«
»No master« he answered with a short laugh »Im a bacheldore«
»A bachelor« I said astonished »Why whos that Mr Peggotty« Pointing
to the person in the apron who was knitting
»Thats Missis Gummidge« said Mr Peggotty
»Gummidge Mr Peggotty«
But at this point Peggotty I mean my own peculiar Peggotty made such
impressive motions to me not to ask any more questions that I could only sit
and look at all the silent company until it was time to go to bed Then in the
privacy of my own little cabin she informed me that Ham and Emly were an
orphan nephew and niece whom my host had at different times adopted in their
childhood when they were left destitute and that Mrs Gummidge was the widow
of his partner in a boat who had died very poor He was but a poor man himself
said Peggotty but as good as gold and as true as steel those were her
similes The only subject she informed me on which he ever showed a violent
temper or swore an oath was this generosity of his and if it were ever
referred to by any one of them he struck the table a heavy blow with his right
hand had split it on one such occasion and swore a dreadful oath that he
would be Gormed if he didnt cut and run for good if it was ever mentioned
again It appeared in answer to my inquiries that nobody had the least idea of
the etymology of this terrible verb passive to be gormed but that they all
regarded it as constituting a most solemn imprecation
I was very sensible of my entertainers goodness and listened to the
womens going to bed in another little crib like mine at the opposite end of the
boat and to him and Ham hanging up two hammocks for themselves on the hooks I
had noticed in the roof in a very luxurious state of mind enhanced by my being
sleepy As slumber gradually stole upon me I heard the wind howling out at sea
and coming on across the flat so fiercely that I had a lazy apprehension of the
great deep rising in the night But I bethought myself that I was in a boat
after all and that a man like Mr Peggotty was not a bad person to have on
board if anything did happen
Nothing happened however worse than morning Almost as soon as it shone
upon the oystershell frame of my mirror I was out of bed and out with little
Emly picking up stones upon the beach
»Youre quite a sailor I suppose« I said to Emly I dont know that I
supposed anything of the kind but I felt it an act of gallantry to say
something and a shining sail close to us made such a pretty little image of
itself, at the moment in her bright eye that it came into my head to say this
»No« replied Emly shaking her head »Im afraid of the sea«
»Afraid« I said with a becoming air of boldness and looking very big at
the mighty ocean »I ant«
»Ah but its cruel« said Emly »I have seen it very cruel to some of our
men I have seen it tear a boat as big as our house all to pieces«
»I hope it wasnt the boat that «
»That father was drownded in« said Emly »No Not that one I never see
that boat«
»Nor him« I asked her
Little Emly shook her head »Not to remember«
Here was a coincidence I immediately went into an explanation how I had
never seen my own father and how my mother and I had always lived by ourselves
in the happiest state imaginable and lived so then and always meant to live
so and how my fathers grave was in the churchyard near our house and shaded
by a tree beneath the boughs of which I had walked and heard the birds sing
many a pleasant morning But there were some differences between Emlys
orphanhood and mine it appeared She had lost her mother before her father and
where her fathers grave was no one knew except that it was somewhere in the
depths of the sea
»Besides« said Emly as she looked about for shells and pebbles »your
father was a gentleman and your mother is a lady and my father was a fisherman
and my mother was a fishermans daughter and my uncle Dan is a fisherman«
»Dan is Mr Peggotty is he« said I
»Uncle Dan yonder« answered Emly nodding at the boathouse
»Yes I mean him He must be very good I should think«
»Good« said Emly »If I was ever to be a lady Id give him a skyblue
coat with diamond buttons nankeen trousers a red velvet waistcoat a cocked
hat a large gold watch a silver pipe and a box of money«
I said I had no doubt that Mr Peggotty well deserved these treasures I
must acknowledge that I felt it difficult to picture him quite at his ease in
the raiment proposed for him by his grateful little niece and that I was
particularly doubtful of the policy of the cocked hat but I kept these
sentiments to myself
Little Emly had stopped and looked up at the sky in her enumeration of
these articles as if they were a glorious vision We went on again picking up
shells and pebbles
»You would like to be a lady« I said
Emily looked at me and laughed and nodded »yes«
»I should like it very much We would all be gentlefolks together then Me
and uncle and Ham and Mrs Gummidge We wouldnt mind then when there come
stormy weather Not for our own sakes I mean We would for the poor
fishermens to be sure and wed help em with money when they come to any
hurt«
This seemed to me to be a very satisfactory and therefore not at all
improbable picture I expressed my pleasure in the contemplation of it and
little Emly was emboldened to say shyly
»Dont you think you are afraid of the sea now«
It was quiet enough to reassure me but I have no doubt if I had seen a
moderately large wave come tumbling in I should have taken to my heels with an
awful recollection of her drowned relations However I said »No« and I added
»You dont seem to be either though you say you are« for she was walking
much too near the brink of a sort of old jetty or wooden causeway we had
strolled upon and I was afraid of her falling over
»Im not afraid in this way« said little Emly »But I wake when it blows
and tremble to think of Uncle Dan and Ham and believe I hear em crying out for
help Thats why I should like so much to be a lady But Im not afraid in this
way Not a bit Look here«
She started from my side and ran along a jagged timber which protruded from
the place we stood upon and overhung the deep water at some height without the
least defence The incident is so impressed on my remembrance that if I were a
draughtsman I could draw its form here I dare say accurately as it was that
day and little Emly springing forward to her destruction as it appeared to
me with a look that I have never forgotten directed far out to sea
The light bold fluttering little figure turned and came back safe to me
and I soon laughed at my fears and at the cry I had uttered fruitlessly in any
case for there was no one near But there have been times since in my manhood
many times there have been when I have thought Is it possible among the
possibilities of hidden things that in the sudden rashness of the child and her
wild look so far off there was any merciful attraction of her into danger any
tempting her towards him permitted on the part of her dead father that her life
might have a chance of ending that day There has been a time since when I have
wondered whether if the life before her could have been revealed to me at a
glance and so revealed as that a child could fully comprehend it and if her
preservation could have depended on a motion of my hand I ought to have held it
up to save her There has been a time since I do not say it lasted long but
it has been when I have asked myself the question would it have been better
for little Emly to have had the waters close above her head that morning in my
sight and when I have answered Yes it would have been
This may be premature I have set it down too soon perhaps But let it
stand
We strolled a long way and loaded ourselves with things that we thought
curious and put some stranded starfish carefully back into the water I hardly
know enough of the race at this moment to be quite certain whether they had
reason to feel obliged to us for doing so or the reverse and then made our
way home to Mr Peggottys dwelling We stopped under the lee of the
lobsterouthouse to exchange an innocent kiss and went in to breakfast glowing
with health and pleasure
»Like two young mavishes« Mr Peggotty said I knew this meant in our
local dialect like two young thrushes and received it as a compliment
Of course I was in love with little Emly I am sure I loved that baby quite
as truly quite as tenderly with greater purity and more disinterestedness
than can enter into the best love of a later time of life high and ennobling as
it is I am sure my fancy raised up something round that blueeyed mite of a
child which etherealised and made a very angel of her If any sunny forenoon
she had spread a little pair of wings and flown away before my eyes I dont
think I should have regarded it as much more than I had had reason to expect
We used to walk about that dim old flat at Yarmouth in a loving manner
hours and hours The days sported by us as if Time had not grown up himself
yet but were a child too and always at play I told Emly I adored her and
that unless she confessed she adored me I should be reduced to the necessity of
killing myself with a sword She said she did and I have no doubt she did
As to any sense of inequality or youthfulness or other difficulty in our
way little Emly and I had no such trouble because we had no future We made
no more provision for growing older than we did for growing younger We were
the admiration of Mrs Gummidge and Peggotty who used to whisper of an evening
when we sat lovingly on our little locker side by side »Lor wasnt it
beautiful« Mr Peggotty smiled at us from behind his pipe and Ham grinned all
the evening and did nothing else They had something of the sort of pleasure in
us, I suppose that they might have had in a pretty toy or a pocket model of
the Colosseum
I soon found out that Mrs Gummidge did not always make herself so agreeable
as she might have been expected to do under the circumstances of her residence
with Mr Peggotty Mrs Gummidges was rather a fretful disposition and she
whimpered more sometimes than was comfortable for other parties in so small an
establishment I was very sorry for her but there were moments when it would
have been more agreeable I thought if Mrs Gummidge had had a convenient
apartment of her own to retire to and had stopped there until her spirits
revived
Mr Peggotty went occasionally to a publichouse called The Willing Mind I
discovered this by his being out on the second or third evening of our visit
and by Mrs Gummidges looking up at the Dutch clock between eight and nine
and saying he was there and that what was more she had known in the morning
he would go there
Mrs Gummidge had been in a low state all day and had burst into tears in
the forenoon when the fire smoked »I am a lone lorn creetur« were Mrs
Gummidges words when that unpleasant occurrence took place »and everythink
goes contrairy with me«
»Oh itll soon leave off« said Peggotty I again mean our Peggotty »and
besides you know its not more disagreeable to you than to us«
»I feel it more« said Mrs Gummidge
It was a very cold day with cutting blasts of wind Mrs Gummidges
peculiar corner of the fireside seemed to me to be the warmest and snuggest in
the place as her chair was certainly the easiest but it didnt suit her that
day at all She was constantly complaining of the cold and of its occasioning a
visitation in her back which she called the creeps At last she shed tears on
that subject and said again that she was »a lone lorn creetur and everythink
went contrairy with her«
»It is certainly very cold« said Peggotty »Everybody must feel it so«
»I feel it more than other people« said Mrs Gummidge
So at dinner when Mrs Gummidge was always helped immediately after me to
whom the preference was given as a visitor of distinction The fish were small
and bony and the potatoes were a little burnt We all acknowledged that we felt
this something of a disappointment but Mrs Gummidge said she felt it more than
we did and shed tears again and made that former declaration with great
bitterness
Accordingly when Mr Peggotty came home about nine oclock this
unfortunate Mrs Gummidge was knitting in her corner in a very wretched and
miserable condition Peggotty had been working cheerfully Ham had been patching
up a great pair of waterboots and I with little Emly by my side had been
reading to them Mrs Gummidge had never made any other remark than a forlorn
sigh and had never raised her eyes since tea
»Well Mates« said Mr Peggotty taking his seat »and how are you«
We all said something or looked something to welcome him except Mrs
Gummidge who only shook her head over her knitting
»Whats amiss« said Mr Peggotty with a clap of his hands »Cheer up old
Mawther« Mr Peggotty meant old girl
Mrs Gummidge did not appear to be able to cheer up She took out an old
black silk handkerchief and wiped her eyes but instead of putting it in her
pocket kept it out and wiped them again and still kept it out ready for use
»Whats amiss dame« said Mr Peggotty
»Nothing« returned Mrs Gummidge »Youve come from The Willing Mind
Danl«
»Why yes Ive took a short spell at The Willing Mind tonight« said Mr
Peggotty
»Im sorry I should drive you there« said Mrs Gummidge
»Drive I dont want no driving« returned Mr Peggotty with an honest
laugh »I only go too ready«
»Very ready« said Mrs Gummidge shaking her head and wiping her eyes
»Yes yes very ready I am sorry it should be along of me that youre so
ready«
»Along o you It ant along o you« said Mr Peggotty »Dont ye believe a
bit on it«
»Yes yes it is« cried Mrs Gummidge »I know what I am I know that I am
a lone lorn creetur and not only that everythink goes contrairy with me but
that I go contrairy with everybody Yes yes I feel more than other people do
and I show it more Its my misfortun«
I really couldnt help thinking as I sat taking in all this that the
misfortune extended to some other members of that family besides Mrs Gummidge
But Mr Peggotty made no such retort only answering with another entreaty to
Mrs Gummidge to cheer up
»I ant what I could wish myself to be« said Mrs Gummidge »I am far from
it I know what I am My troubles has made me contrairy I feel my troubles and
they make me contrairy I wish I didnt feel em but I do I wish I could be
hardened to em but I ant I make the house uncomfortable I dont wonder at
it Ive made your sister so all day and Master Davy«
Here I was suddenly melted and roared out »No you havent Mrs
Gummidge« in great mental distress
»Its far from right that I should do it« said Mrs Gummidge »It ant a
fit return I had better go into the house and die I am a lone lorn creetur
and had much better not make myself contrairy here If thinks must go contrairy
with me and I must go contrairy myself let me go contrairy in my parish
Danl Id better go into the house and die and be a riddance«
Mrs Gummidge retired with these words and betook herself to bed When she
was gone Mr Peggotty who had not exhibited a trace of any feeling but the
profoundest sympathy looked round upon us and nodding his head with a lively
expression of that sentiment still animating his face said in a whisper
»Shes been thinking of the old un«
I did not quite understand what old one Mrs Gummidge was supposed to have
fixed her mind upon until Peggotty on seeing me to bed explained that it was
the late Mr Gummidge and that her brother always took that for a received
truth on such occasions and that it always had a moving effect upon him Some
time after he was in his hammock that night I heard him myself repeat to Ham
»Poor thing Shes been thinking of the old un« And whenever Mrs Gummidge was
overcome in a similar manner during the remainder of our stay which happened
some few times he always said the same thing in extenuation of the
circumstance and always with the tenderest commiseration
So the fortnight slipped away varied by nothing but the variation of the
tide which altered Mr Peggottys times of going out and coming in and altered
Hams engagements also When the latter was unemployed he sometimes walked with
us to show us the boats and ships and once or twice he took us for a row I
dont know why one slight set of impressions should be more particularly
associated with a place than another though I believe this obtains with most
people in reference especially to the associations of their childhood I never
hear the name or read the name of Yarmouth but I am reminded of a certain
Sunday morning on the beach the bells ringing for church little Emly leaning
on my shoulder Ham lazily dropping stones into the water and the sun away at
sea just breaking through the heavy mist and showing us the ships like their
own shadows
At last the day came for going home I bore up against the separation from
Mr Peggotty and Mrs Gummidge but my agony of mind at leaving little Emly was
piercing We went arminarm to the publichouse where the carrier put up and I
promised on the road to write to her I redeemed that promise afterwards in
characters larger than those in which apartments are usually announced in
manuscript as being to let We were greatly overcome at parting and if ever
in my life I have had a void made in my heart I had one made that day
Now all the time I had been on my visit I had been ungrateful to my home
again and had thought little or nothing about it But I was no sooner turned
towards it than my reproachful young conscience seemed to point that way with a
steady finger and I felt all the more for the sinking of my spirits that it
was my nest and that my mother was my comforter and friend
This gained upon me as we went along so that the nearer we drew and the
more familiar the objects became that we passed the more excited I was to get
there and to run into her arms But Peggotty instead of sharing in these
transports tried to check them though very kindly and looked confused and
out of sorts
Blunderstone Rookery would come however in spite of her when the
carriers horse pleased and did How well I recollect it on a cold grey
afternoon with a dull sky threatening rain
The door opened and I looked half laughing and half crying in my pleasant
agitation for my mother It was not she but a strange servant
»Why Peggotty« I said ruefully »isnt she come home«
»Yes yes Master Davy« said Peggotty »Shes come home Wait a bit Master
Davy and Ill Ill tell you something«
Between her agitation and her natural awkwardness in getting out of the
cart Peggotty was making a most extraordinary festoon of herself but I felt
too blank and strange to tell her so When she had got down she took me by the
hand led me wondering into the kitchen and shut the door
»Peggotty« said I quite frightened »Whats the matter«
»Nothings the matter bless you Master Davy dear« she answered assuming
an air of sprightliness
»Somethings the matter Im sure Wheres mama«
»Wheres mama Master Davy« repeated Peggotty
»Yes Why hasnt she come out to the gate and what have we come in here
for Oh Peggotty« My eyes were full and I felt as if I were going to tumble
down
»Bless the precious boy« cried Peggotty taking hold of me »What is it
Speak my pet«
»Not dead too Oh shes not dead Peggotty«
Peggotty cried out No with an astonishing volume of voice and then sat
down and began to pant and said I had given her a turn
I gave her a hug to take away the turn or to give her another turn in the
right direction and then stood before her looking at her in anxious inquiry
»You see dear I should have told you before now« said Peggotty »but I
hadnt an opportunity I ought to have made it perhaps but I couldnt azackly«
that was always the substitute for exactly in Peggottys militia of words
»bring my mind to it«
»Go on Peggotty« said I more frightened than before
»Master Davy« said Peggotty untying her bonnet with a shaking hand and
speaking in a breathless sort of way »What do you think You have got a Pa«
I trembled and turned white Something I dont know what or how
connected with the grave in the churchyard and the raising of the dead seemed
to strike me like an unwholesome wind
»A new one« said Peggotty
»A new one« I repeated
Peggotty gave a gasp as if she were swallowing something that was very
hard and putting out her hand said
»Come and see him«
»I dont want to see him«
»And your mama« said Peggotty
I ceased to draw back and we went straight to the best parlour where she
left me On one side of the fire sat my mother on the other Mr Murdstone My
mother dropped her work and arose hurriedly but timidly I thought
»Now Clara my dear« said Mr Murdstone »Recollect control yourself
always control yourself Davy boy how do you do«
I gave him my hand After a moment of suspense I went and kissed my mother
she kissed me patted me gently on the shoulder and sat down again to her work
I could not look at her I could not look at him I knew quite well that he was
looking at us both and I turned to the window and looked out there at some
shrubs that were drooping their heads in the cold
As soon as I could creep away I crept upstairs My old dear bedroom was
changed and I was to lie a long way off I rambled downstairs to find anything
that was like itself so altered it all seemed and roamed into the yard I very
soon started back from there for the empty dogkennel was filled up with a
great dog deepmouthed and blackhaired like Him and he was very angry at
the sight of me and sprang out to get at me
Chapter IV
I Fall into Disgrace
If the room to which my bed was removed were a sentient thing that could give
evidence I might appeal to it at this day who sleeps there now I wonder
to bear witness for me what a heavy heart I carried to it I went up there
hearing the dog in the yard bark after me all the way while I climbed the
stairs and looking as blank and strange upon the room as the room looked upon
me sat down with my small hands crossed and thought
I thought of the oddest things Of the shape of the room of the cracks in
the ceiling of the paper on the wall of the flaws in the windowglass making
ripples and dimples on the prospect of the washingstand being ricketty on its
three legs and having a discontented something about it which reminded me of
Mrs Gummidge under the influence of the old one I was crying all the time
but except that I was conscious of being cold and dejected I am sure I never
thought why I cried At last in my desolation I began to consider that I was
dreadfully in love with little Emly and had been torn away from her to come
here where no one seemed to want me or to care about me half as much as she
did This made such a very miserable piece of business of it that I rolled
myself up in a corner of the counterpane and cried myself to sleep
I was awakened by somebody saying »Here he is« and uncovering my hot head
My mother and Peggotty had come to look for me and it was one of them who had
done it
»Davy« said my mother »Whats the matter«
I thought it was very strange that she should ask me and answered
»Nothing« I turned over on my face I recollect to hide my trembling lip
which answered her with greater truth
»Davy« said my mother »Davy my child«
I dare say no words she could have uttered would have affected me so much
then as her calling me her child I hid my tears in the bedclothes and pressed
her from me with my hand when she would have raised me up
»This is your doing Peggotty you cruel thing« said my mother »I have no
doubt at all about it How can you reconcile it to your conscience I wonder to
prejudice my own boy against me or against anybody who is dear to me What do
you mean by it Peggotty«
Poor Peggotty lifted up her hands and eyes and only answered in a sort of
paraphrase of the grace I usually repeated after dinner »Lord forgive you Mrs
Copperfield and for what you have said this minute may you never be truly
sorry«
»Its enough to distract me« cried my mother »In my honeymoon too when
my most inveterate enemy might relent one would think and not envy me a little
peace of mind and happiness Davy you naughty boy Peggotty you savage
creature Oh dear me« cried my mother turning from one of us to the other in
her pettish wilful manner »What a troublesome world this is when one has the
most right to expect it to be as agreeable as possible«
I felt the touch of a hand that I knew was neither hers nor Peggottys and
slipped to my feet at the bedside It was Mr Murdstones hand and he kept it
on my arm as he said
»Whats this Clara my love have you forgotten Firmness my dear«
»I am very sorry Edward« said my mother »I meant to be very good but I
am so uncomfortable«
»Indeed« he answered »Thats a bad hearing so soon Clara«
»I say its very hard I should be made so now« returned my mother pouting
»and it is very hard isnt it«
He drew her to him whispered in her ear and kissed her I knew as well
when I saw my mothers head lean down upon his shoulder and her arm touch his
neck I knew as well that he could mould her pliant nature into any form he
chose as I know now that he did it
»Go you below my love« said Mr Murdstone »David and I will come down
together My friend« turning a darkening face on Peggotty when he had watched
my mother out and dismissed her with a nod and a smile »do you know your
mistresss name«
»She has been my mistress a long time sir« answered Peggotty »I ought to
it«
»Thats true« he answered »But I thought I heard you as I came upstairs
address her by a name that is not hers She has taken mine you know Will you
remember that«
Peggotty with some uneasy glances at me curtseyed herself out of the room
without replying seeing I suppose that she was expected to go and had no
excuse for remaining When we two were left alone he shut the door and sitting
on a chair and holding me standing before him looked steadily into my eyes I
felt my own attracted no less steadily to his As I recall our being opposed
thus face to face I seem again to hear my heart beat fast and high
»David« he said making his lips thin by pressing them together »if I
have an obstinate horse or dog to deal with what do you think I do«
»I dont know«
»I beat him«
I had answered in a kind of breathless whisper but I felt in my silence
that my breath was shorter now
»I make him wince and smart I say to myself Ill conquer that fellow and
if it were to cost him all the blood he had I should do it What is that upon
your face«
»Dirt« I said
He knew it was the mark of tears as well as I But if he had asked the
question twenty times each time with twenty blows I believe my baby heart
would have burst before I would have told him so
»You have a good deal of intelligence for a little fellow« he said with a
grave smile that belonged to him »and you understood me very well I see Wash
that face sir and come down with me«
He pointed to the washingstand which I had made out to be like Mrs
Gummidge and motioned me with his head to obey him directly I had little doubt
then and I have less doubt now that he would have knocked me down without the
least compunction if I had hesitated
»Clara my dear« he said when I had done his bidding and he walked me
into the parlour with his hand still on my arm »you will not be made
uncomfortable any more I hope We shall soon improve our youthful humours«
God help me I might have been improved for my whole life I might have been
made another creature perhaps for life by a kind word at that season A word
of encouragement and explanation of pity for my childish ignorance of welcome
home of reassurance to me that it was home might have made me dutiful to him
in my heart henceforth instead of in my hypocritical outside and might have
made me respect instead of hate him I thought my mother was sorry to see me
standing in the room so scared and strange and that presently when I stole to
a chair she followed me with her eyes more sorrowfully still missing
perhaps some freedom in my childish tread but the word was not spoken and
the time for it was gone
We dined alone we three together He seemed to be very fond of my mother
I am afraid I liked him none the better for that and she was very fond of him
I gathered from what they said that an elder sister of his was coming to stay
with them and that she was expected that evening I am not certain whether I
found out then or afterwards that without being actively concerned in any
business he had some share in or some annual charge upon the profits of a
winemerchants house in London with which his family had been connected from
his greatgrandfathers time and in which his sister had a similar interest
but I may mention it in this place whether or no
After dinner when we were sitting by the fire and I was meditating an
escape to Peggotty without having the hardihood to slip away lest it should
offend the master of the house a coach drove up to the gardengate and he went
out to receive the visitor My mother followed him I was timidly following her
when she turned round at the parlourdoor in the dusk and taking me in her
embrace as she had been used to do whispered me to love my new father and be
obedient to him She did this hurriedly and secretly as if it were wrong but
tenderly and putting out her hand behind her held mine in it until we came
near to where he was standing in the garden where she let mine go and drew
hers through his arm
It was Miss Murdstone who was arrived and a gloomylooking lady she was
dark like her brother whom she greatly resembled in face and voice and with
very heavy eyebrows nearly meeting over her large nose as if being disabled
by the wrongs of her sex from wearing whiskers she had carried them to that
account She brought with her two uncompromising hard black boxes with her
initials on the lids in hard brass nails When she paid the coachman she took
her money out of a hard steel purse and she kept the purse in a very jail of a
bag which hung upon her arm by a heavy chain and shut up like a bite I had
never at that time seen such a metallic lady altogether as Miss Murdstone was
She was brought into the parlour with many tokens of welcome and there
formally recognized my mother as a new and near relation Then she looked at me
and said
»Is that your boy sisterinlaw«
My mother acknowledged me
»Generally speaking« said Miss Murdstone »I dont like boys How dye do
boy«
Under these encouraging circumstances I replied that I was very well and
that I hoped she was the same with such an indifferent grace that Miss
Murdstone disposed of me in two words
»Wants manner«
Having uttered which with great distinctness she begged the favour of being
shown to her room which became to me from that time forth a place of awe and
dread wherein the two black boxes were never seen open or known to be left
unlocked and where for I peeped in once or twice when she was out numerous
little steel fetters and rivets with which Miss Murdstone embellished herself
when she was dressed generally hung upon the lookingglass in formidable array
As well as I could make out she had come for good and had no intention of
ever going again She began to help my mother next morning and was in and out
of the storecloset all day putting things to rights and making havoc in the
old arrangements Almost the first remarkable thing I observed in Miss Murdstone
was her being constantly haunted by a suspicion that the servants had a man
secreted somewhere on the premises Under the influence of this delusion she
dived into the coalcellar at the most untimely hours and scarcely ever opened
the door of a dark cupboard without clapping it to again in the belief that she
had got him
Though there was nothing very airy about Miss Murdstone she was a perfect
Lark in point of getting up She was up and as I believe to this hour looking
for that man before anybody in the house was stirring Peggotty gave it as her
opinion that she even slept with one eye open but I could not concur in this
idea for I tried it myself after hearing the suggestion thrown out and found
it couldnt be done
On the very first morning after her arrival she was up and ringing her bell
at cockcrow When my mother came down to breakfast and was going to make the
tea Miss Murdstone gave her a kind of peck on the cheek which was her nearest
approach to a kiss and said
»Now Clara my dear I am come here you know to relieve you of all the
trouble I can Youre much too pretty and thoughtless« my mother blushed but
laughed and seemed not to dislike this character »to have any duties imposed
upon you that can be undertaken by me If youll be so good as give me your
keys my dear Ill attend to all this sort of thing in future«
From that time Miss Murdstone kept the keys in her own little jail all day
and under her pillow all night and my mother had no more to do with them than I
had
My mother did not suffer her authority to pass from her without a shadow of
protest One night when Miss Murdstone had been developing certain household
plans to her brother of which he signified his approbation my mother suddenly
began to cry and said she thought she might have been consulted
»Clara« said Mr Murdstone sternly »Clara I wonder at you«
»Oh its very well to say you wonder Edward« cried my mother »and its
very well for you to talk about firmness but you wouldnt like it yourself«
Firmness I may observe was the grand quality on which both Mr and Miss
Murdstone took their stand However I might have expressed my comprehension of
it at that time if I had been called upon I nevertheless did clearly
comprehend in my own way that it was another name for tyranny and for a
certain gloomy arrogant devils humour that was in them both The creed as I
should state it now was this Mr Murdstone was firm nobody in his world was
to be so firm as Mr Murdstone nobody else in his world was to be firm at all
for everybody was to be bent to his firmness Miss Murdstone was an exception
She might be firm but only by relationship and in an inferior and tributary
degree My mother was another exception She might be firm and must be but
only in bearing their firmness and firmly believing there was no other firmness
upon earth
»Its very hard« said my mother »that in my own house «
»My own house« repeated Mr Murdstone »Clara«
»Our own house I mean« faltered my mother evidently frightened »I hope
you must know what I mean Edward its very hard that in your own house I may
not have a word to say about domestic matters I am sure I managed very well
before we were married Theres evidence« said my mother sobbing »ask Peggotty
if I didnt do very well when I wasnt interfered with«
»Edward« said Miss Murdstone »let there be an end of this I go
tomorrow«
»Jane Murdstone« said her brother »be silent How dare you to insinuate
that you dont know my character better than your words imply«
»I am sure« my poor mother went on at a grievous disadvantage and with
many tears »I dont want anybody to go I should be very miserable and unhappy
if anybody was to go I dont ask much I am not unreasonable I only want to be
consulted sometimes I am very much obliged to anybody who assists me and I
only want to be consulted as a mere form sometimes I thought you were pleased
once with my being a little inexperienced and girlish Edward I am sure you
said so but you seem to hate me for it now you are so severe«
»Edward« said Miss Murdstone again »let there be an end of this I go
tomorrow«
»Jane Murdstone« thundered Mr Murdstone »Will you be silent How dare
you«
Miss Murdstone made a jaildelivery of her pockethandkerchief and held it
before her eyes
»Clara« he continued looking at my mother »you surprise me You astound
me Yes I had a satisfaction in the thought of marrying an inexperienced and
artless person and forming her character and infusing into it some amount of
that firmness and decision of which it stood in need But when Jane Murdstone is
kind enough to come to my assistance in this endeavour and to assume for my
sake a condition something like a housekeepers and when she meets with a base
return «
»Oh pray pray Edward« cried my mother »dont accuse me of being
ungrateful I am sure I am not ungrateful No one ever said I was before I have
many faults but not that Oh dont my dear«
»When Jane Murdstone meets I say« he went on after waiting until my
mother was silent »with a base return that feeling of mine is chilled and
altered«
»Dont my love say that« implored my mother very piteously »Oh dont
Edward I cant bear to hear it Whatever I am I am affectionate I know I am
affectionate I wouldnt say it if I wasnt certain that I am Ask Peggotty I
am sure shell tell you Im affectionate«
»There is no extent of mere weakness Clara« said Mr Murdstone in reply
»that can have the least weight with me You lose breath«
»Pray let us be friends« said my mother »I couldnt live under coldness or
unkindness I am so sorry I have a great many defects I know and its very
good of you Edward with your strength of mind to endeavour to correct them
for me Jane I dont object to anything I should be quite brokenhearted if
you thought of leaving « My mother was too much overcome to go on
»Jane Murdstone« said Mr Murdstone to his sister »any harsh words between
us are I hope uncommon It is not my fault that so unusual an occurrence has
taken place tonight I was betrayed into it by another Nor is it your fault
You were betrayed into it by another Let us both try to forget it And as
this« he added after these magnanimous words »is not a fit scene for the boy
David go to bed«
I could hardly find the door through the tears that stood in my eyes I was
so sorry for my mothers distress but I groped my way out and groped my way up
to my room in the dark without even having the heart to say good night to
Peggotty or to get a candle from her When her coming up to look for me an
hour or so afterwards awoke me she said that my mother had gone to bed poorly
and that Mr and Miss Murdstone were sitting alone
Going down next morning rather earlier than usual I paused outside the
parlourdoor on hearing my mothers voice She was very earnestly and humbly
entreating Miss Murdstones pardon which that lady granted and a perfect
reconciliation took place I never knew my mother afterwards to give an opinion
on any matter without first appealing to Miss Murdstone or without having
first ascertained by some sure means what Miss Murdstones opinion was and I
never saw Miss Murdstone when out of temper she was infirm that way move her
hand towards her bag as if she were going to take out the keys and offer to
resign them to my mother without seeing that my mother was in a terrible
fright
The gloomy taint that was in the Murdstone blood darkened the Murdstone
religion which was austere and wrathful I have thought since that its
assuming that character was a necessary consequence of Mr Murdstones firmness
which wouldnt allow him to let anybody off from the utmost weight of the
severest penalties he could find any excuse for Be this as it may I well
remember the tremendous visages with which we used to go to church and the
changed air of the place Again the dreaded Sunday comes round and I file into
the old pew first like a guarded captive brought to a condemned service Again
Miss Murdstone in a black velvet gown that looks as if it had been made out of
a pall follows close upon me then my mother then her husband There is no
Peggotty now as in the old time Again I listen to Miss Murdstone mumbling the
responses and emphasising all the dread words with a cruel relish Again I see
her dark eyes roll round the church when she says »miserable sinners« as if she
were calling all the congregation names Again I catch rare glimpses of my
mother moving her lips timidly between the two with one of them muttering at
each ear like low thunder Again I wonder with a sudden fear whether it is
likely that our good old clergyman can be wrong and Mr and Miss Murdstone
right and that all the angels in Heaven can be destroying angels Again if I
move a finger or relax a muscle of my face Miss Murdstone pokes me with her
prayerbook and makes my side ache
Yes and again as we walk home I note some neighbours looking at my mother
and at me and whispering Again as the three go on arminarm and I linger
behind alone I follow some of those looks and wonder if my mothers step be
really not so light as I have seen it and if the gaiety of her beauty be really
almost worried away Again I wonder whether any of the neighbours call to mind
as I do how we used to walk home together she and I and I wonder stupidly
about that all the dreary dismal day
There had been some talk on occasions of my going to boardingschool Mr
and Miss Murdstone had originated it and my mother had of course agreed with
them Nothing however was concluded on the subject yet In the meantime I
learnt lessons at home
Shall I ever forget those lessons They were presided over nominally by my
mother but really by Mr Murdstone and his sister who were always present and
found them a favourable occasion for giving my mother lessons in that miscalled
firmness which was the bane of both our lives I believe I was kept at home for
that purpose I had been apt enough to learn and willing enough when my mother
and I had lived alone together I can faintly remember learning the alphabet at
her knee To this day when I look upon the fat black letters in the primer the
puzzling novelty of their shapes and the easy goodnature of O and Q and S
seem to present themselves again before me as they used to do But they recall
no feeling of disgust or reluctance On the contrary I seem to have walked
along a path of flowers as far as the crocodilebook and to have been cheered
by the gentleness of my mothers voice and manner all the way But these solemn
lessons which succeeded those I remember as the deathblow at my peace and a
grievous daily drudgery and misery They were very long very numerous very
hard perfectly unintelligible some of them to me and I was generally as
much bewildered by them as I believe my poor mother was herself
Let me remember how it used to be and bring one morning back again
I come into the secondbest parlour after breakfast with my books and an
exercisebook and a slate My mother is ready for me at her writingdesk but
not half so ready as Mr Murdstone in his easychair by the window though be
pretends to be reading a book or as Miss Murdstone sitting near my mother
stringing steel beads The very sight of these two has such an influence over
me that I begin to feel the words I have been at infinite pains to get into my
head all sliding away and going I dont know where I wonder where they do go
bytheby
I hand the first book to my mother Perhaps it is a grammar perhaps a
history or geography I take a last drowning look at the page as I give it into
her hand and start off aloud at a racing pace while I have got it fresh I trip
over a word Mr Murdstone looks up I trip over another word Miss Murdstone
looks up I redden tumble over halfadozen words and stop I think my mother
would show me the book if she dared but she does not dare and she says softly
»Oh Davy Davy«
»Now Clara« says Mr Murdstone »be firm with the boy Dont say Oh
Davy Davy Thats childish He knows his lesson or he does not know it«
»He does not know it« Miss Murdstone interposes awfully
»I am really afraid he does not« says my mother
»Then you see Clara« returns Miss Murdstone »you should just give him
the book back and make him know it«
»Yes certainly« says my mother »that is what I intend to do my dear
Jane Now Davy try once more and dont be stupid«
I obey the first clause of the injunction by trying once more but am not so
successful with the second for I am very stupid I tumble down before I get to
the old place at a point where I was all right before and stop to think But I
cant think about the lesson I think of the number of yards of net in Miss
Murdstones cap or of the price of Mr Murdstones dressinggown or any such
ridiculous problem that I have no business with and dont want to have anything
at all to do with Mr Murdstone makes a movement of impatience which I have
been expecting for a long time Miss Murdstone does the same My mother glances
submissively at them shuts the book and lays it by as an arrear to be worked
out when my other tasks are done
There is a pile of these arrears very soon and it swells like a rolling
snowball The bigger it gets the more stupid I get The case is so hopeless
and I feel that I am wallowing in such a bog of nonsense that I give up all
idea of getting out and abandon myself to my fate The despairing way in which
my mother and I look at each other as I blunder on is truly melancholy But
the greatest effect in these miserable lessons is when my mother thinking
nobody is observing her tries to give me the cue by the motion of her lips At
that instant Miss Murdstone who has been lying in wait for nothing else all
along says in a deep warning voice
»Clara«
My mother starts colours and smiles faintly Mr Murdstone comes out of
his chair takes the book throws it at me or boxes my ears with it and turns
me out of the room by the shoulders
Even when the lessons are done the worst is yet to happen in the shape of
an appalling sum This is invented for me and delivered to me orally by Mr
Murdstone and begins »If I go into a cheesemongers shop and buy five
thousand doubleGloucester cheeses at fourpencehalfpenny each present payment«
at which I see Miss Murdstone secretly overjoyed I pore over these cheeses
without any result or enlightenment until dinnertime when having made a
Mulatto of myself by getting the dirt of the slate into the pores of my skin I
have a slice of bread to help me out with the cheeses and am considered in
disgrace for the rest of the evening
It seems to me at this distance of time as if my unfortunate studies
generally took this course I could have done very well if I had been without
the Murdstones but the influence of the Murdstones upon me was like the
fascination of two snakes on a wretched young bird Even when I did get through
the morning with tolerable credit there was not much gained but dinner for
Miss Murdstone never could endure to see me untasked and if I rashly made any
show of being unemployed called her brothers attention to me by saying
»Clara my dear theres nothing like work give your boy an exercise« which
caused me to be clapped down to some new labour there and then As to any
recreation with other children of my age I had very little of that for the
gloomy theology of the Murdstones made all children out to be a swarm of little
vipers though there was a child once set in the midst of the Disciples and
held that they contaminated one another.
The natural result of this treatment continued I suppose for some six
months or more was to make me sullen dull and dogged I was not made the less
so by my sense of being daily more and more shut out and alienated from my
mother I believe I should have been almost stupefied but for one circumstance
It was this My father had left a small collection of books in a little room
upstairs to which I had access for it adjoined my own and which nobody else
in our house ever troubled From that blessed little room Roderick Random
Peregrine Pickle Humphrey Clinker Tom Jones the Vicar of Wakefield Don
Quixote Gil Blas and Robinson Crusoe came out a glorious host to keep me
company They kept alive my fancy and my hope of something beyond that place
and time they and the Arabian Nights and the Tales of the Genii and did
me no harm for whatever harm was in some of them was not there for me I knew
nothing of it It is astonishing to me now how I found time in the midst of my
porings and blunderings over heavier themes to read those books as I did It is
curious to me how I could ever have consoled myself under my small troubles
which were great troubles to me by impersonating my favourite characters in
them as I did and by putting Mr and Miss Murdstone into all the bad ones
which I did too I have been Tom Jones a childs Tom Jones a harmless
creature for a week together I have sustained my own idea of Roderick Random
for a month at a stretch I verily believe I had a greedy relish for a few
volumes of Voyages and Travels I forget what now that were on those
shelves and for days and days I can remember to have gone about my region of
our house armed with the centrepiece out of an old set of boottrees the
perfect realisation of Captain Somebody of the Royal British Navy in danger of
being beset by savages and resolved to sell his life at a great price The
Captain never lost dignity from having his ears boxed with the Latin Grammar I
did but the Captain was a Captain and a hero in despite of all the grammars of
all the languages in the world dead or alive
This was my only and my constant comfort When I think of it the picture
always rises in my mind of a summer evening the boys at play in the
churchyard and I sitting on my bed reading as if for life Every barn in the
neighbourhood every stone in the church and every foot of the churchyard had
some association of its own, in my mind connected with these books and stood
for some locality made famous in them I have seen Tom Pipes go climbing up the
churchsteeple I have watched Strap with the knapsack on his back stopping to
rest himself upon the wicketgate and I know that Commodore Trunnion held that
club with Mr Pickle in the parlour of our little village alehouse
The reader now understands as well as I do what I was when I came to that
point of my youthful history to which I am now coming again
One morning when I went into the parlour with my books I found my mother
looking anxious Miss Murdstone looking firm and Mr Murdstone binding
something round the bottom of a cane a lithe and limber cane which he left
off binding when I came in and poised and switched in the air
»I tell you Clara« said Mr Murdstone »I have been often flogged myself«
»To be sure of course« said Miss Murdstone
»Certainly my dear Jane« faltered my mother meekly »But but do you
think it did Edward good«
»Do you think it did Edward harm Clara« asked Mr Murdstone gravely
»Thats the point« said his sister
To this my mother returned »Certainly my dear Jane« and said no more
I felt apprehensive that I was personally interested in this dialogue and
sought Mr Murdstones eye as it lighted on mine
»Now David« he said and I saw that cast again as he said it »you must
be far more careful today than usual« He gave the cane another poise and
another switch and having finished his preparation of it laid it down beside
him with an impressive look and took up his book
This was a good freshener to my presence of mind as a beginning I felt the
words of my lessons slipping off not one by one or line by line but by the
entire page I tried to lay hold of them but they seemed if I may so express
it to have put skates on and to skim away from me with a smoothness there was
no checking
We began badly and went on worse I had come in with an idea of
distinguishing myself rather conceiving that I was very well prepared but it
turned out to be quite a mistake Book after book was added to the heap of
failures Miss Murdstone being firmly watchful of us all the time And when we
came at last to the five thousand cheeses canes he made it that day I
remember my mother burst out crying
»Clara« said Miss Murdstone in her warning voice
»I am not quite well my dear Jane I think« said my mother
I saw him wink solemnly at his sister as he rose and said taking up the
cane
»Why Jane we can hardly expect Clara to bear with perfect firmness the
worry and torment that David has occasioned her today That would be stoical
Clara is greatly strengthened and improved but we can hardly expect so much
from her David you and I will go upstairs boy«
As he took me out at the door my mother ran towards us Miss Murdstone
said »Clara are you a perfect fool« and interfered I saw my mother stop her
ears then and I heard her crying
He walked me up to my room slowly and gravely I am certain he had a
delight in that formal parade of executing justice and when we got there
suddenly twisted my head under his arm
»Mr Murdstone Sir« I cried to him »Dont Pray dont beat me I have
tried to learn sir but I cant learn while you and Miss Murdstone are by I
cant indeed«
»Cant you indeed David« he said »Well try that«
He had my head as in a vice but I twined round him somehow and stopped him
for a moment entreating him not to beat me It was only for a moment that I
stopped him for he cut me heavily an instant afterwards and in the same
instant I caught the hand with which he held me in my mouth between my teeth
and bit it through It sets my teeth on edge to think of it
He beat me then as if he would have beaten me to death Above all the noise
we made I heard them running up the stairs and crying out I heard my mother
crying out and Peggotty Then he was gone and the door was locked outside
and I was lying fevered and hot and torn and sore and raging in my puny way
upon the floor
How well I recollect when I became quiet what an unnatural stillness
seemed to reign through the whole house How well I remember when my smart and
passion began to cool how wicked I began to feel
I sat listening for a long while but there was not a sound I crawled up
from the floor and saw my face in the glass so swollen red and ugly that it
almost frightened me My stripes were sore and stiff and made me cry afresh
when I moved but they were nothing to the guilt I felt It lay heavier on my
breast than if I had been a most atrocious criminal I dare say
It had begun to grow dark and I had shut the window I had been lying for
the most part with my head upon the sill by turns crying dozing and looking
listlessly out when the key was turned and Miss Murdstone came in with some
bread and meat and milk These she put down upon the table without a word
glaring at me the while with exemplary firmness and then retired locking the
door after her
Long after it was dark I sat there wondering whether anybody else would
come When this appeared improbable for that night I undressed and went to
bed and there I began to wonder fearfully what would be done to me Whether it
was a criminal act that I had committed Whether I should be taken into custody
and sent to prison Whether I was at all in danger of being hanged
I never shall forget the waking next morning the being cheerful and fresh
for the first moment and then the being weighed down by the stale and dismal
oppression of remembrance Miss Murdstone reappeared before I was out of bed
told me in so many words that I was free to walk in the garden for half an
hour and no longer and retired leaving the door open that I might avail
myself of that permission
I did so and did so every morning of my imprisonment which lasted five
days If I could have seen my mother alone I should have gone down on my knees
to her and besought her forgiveness but I saw no one Miss Murdstone excepted
during the whole time except at evening prayers in the parlour to which I was
escorted by Miss Murdstone after everybody else was placed where I was
stationed a young outlaw all alone by myself near the door and whence I was
solemnly conducted by my jailer before any one arose from the devotional
posture I only observed that my mother was as far off from me as she could be
and kept her face another way so that I never saw it and that Mr Murdstones
hand was bound up in a large linen wrapper
The length of those five days I can convey no idea of to any one They
occupy the place of years in my remembrance The way in which I listened to all
the incidents of the house that made themselves audible to me the ringing of
bells the opening and shutting of doors the murmuring of voices the footsteps
on the stairs to any laughing whistling or singing outside which seemed
more dismal than anything else to me in my solitude and disgrace the uncertain
pace of the hours especially at night when I would wake thinking it was
morning and find that the family were not yet gone to bed and that all the
length of night had yet to come the depressed dreams and nightmares I had
the return of day noon afternoon evening when the boys played in the
churchyard and I watched them from a distance within the room being ashamed to
show myself at the window lest they should know I was a prisoner the strange
sensation of never hearing myself speak the fleeting intervals of something
like cheerfulness which came with eating and drinking and went away with it
the setting in of rain one evening with a fresh smell and its coming down
faster and faster between me and the church until it and gathering night seemed
to quench me in gloom and fear and remorse all this appears to have gone
round and round for years instead of days it is so vividly and strongly stamped
on my remembrance
On the last night of my restraint I was awakened by hearing my own name
spoken in a whisper I started up in bed and putting out my arms in the dark
said
»Is that you Peggotty«
There was no immediate answer but presently I heard my name again in a
tone so very mysterious and awful that I think I should have gone into a fit
if it had not occurred to me that it must have come through the keyhole
I groped my way to the door and putting my own lips to the keyhole
whispered
»Is that you Peggotty dear«
»Yes my own precious Davy« she replied »Be as soft as a mouse or the
Catll hear us«
I understood this to mean Miss Murdstone and was sensible of the urgency of
the case her room being close by
»Hows mama dear Peggotty Is she very angry with me«
I could hear Peggotty crying softly on her side of the keyhole as I was
doing on mine before she answered »No Not very«
»What is going to be done with me Peggotty dear Do you know«
»School Near London« was Peggottys answer I was obliged to get her to
repeat it for she spoke it the first time quite down my throat in consequence
of my having forgotten to take my mouth away from the keyhole and put my ear
there and though her words tickled me a good deal I didnt hear them
»When Peggotty«
»Tomorrow«
»Is that the reason why Miss Murdstone took the clothes out of my drawers«
which she had done though I have forgotten to mention it
»Yes« said Peggotty »Box«
»Shant I see mama«
»Yes« said Peggotty »Morning«
Then Peggotty fitted her mouth close to the keyhole and delivered these
words through it with as much feeling and earnestness as a keyhole has ever been
the medium of communicating I will venture to assert shooting in each broken
little sentence in a convulsive little burst of its own.
»Davy dear If I aint been azackly as intimate with you Lately as I used
to be It aint because I dont love you Just as well and more my pretty
poppet Its because I thought it better for you And for some one else besides
Davy my darling are you listening Can you hear«
»Yeyeyeyes Peggotty« I sobbed
»My own« said Peggotty with infinite compassion »What I want to say is
That you must never forget me For Ill never forget you And Ill take as much
care of your mama Davy As ever I took of you And I wont leave her The day
may come when shell be glad to lay her poor head On her stupid cross old
Peggottys arm again And Ill write to you my dear Though I aint no scholar
And Ill Ill « Peggotty fell to kissing the keyhole as she couldnt kiss
me
»Thank you dear Peggotty« said I »Oh thank you Thank you Will you
promise me one thing Peggotty Will you write and tell Mr Peggotty and little
Emly and Mrs Gummidge and Ham that I am not so bad as they might suppose
and that I sent em all my love especially to little Emly Will you if you
please Peggotty«
The kind soul promised and we both of us kissed the keyhole with the
greatest affection I patted it with my hand I recollect as if it had been
her honest face and parted From that night there grew up in my breast a
feeling for Peggotty which I cannot very well define She did not replace my
mother no one could do that but she came into a vacancy in my heart which
closed upon her and I felt towards her something I have never felt for any
other human being It was a sort of comical affection too and yet if she had
died I cannot think what I should have done or how I should have acted out the
tragedy it would have been to me
In the morning Miss Murdstone appeared as usual and told me I was going to
school which was not altogether such news to me as she supposed She also
informed me that when I was dressed I was to come downstairs into the parlour
and have my breakfast There I found my mother very pale and with red eyes
into whose arms I ran and begged her pardon from my suffering soul
»Oh Davy« she said »That you could hurt any one I love Try to be better
pray to be better I forgive you but I am so grieved Davy that you should
have such bad passions in your heart«
They had persuaded her that I was a wicked fellow and she was more sorry
for that than for my going away I felt it sorely I tried to eat my parting
breakfast but my tears dropped upon my breadandbutter and trickled into my
tea I saw my mother look at me sometimes and then glance at the watchful Miss
Murdstone and then look down or look away
»Master Copperfields box there« said Miss Murdstone when wheels were
heard at the gate
I looked for Peggotty but it was not she neither she nor Mr Murdstone
appeared My former acquaintance the carrier was at the door the box was
taken out to his cart and lifted in
»Clara« said Miss Murdstone in her warning note
»Ready my dear Jane« returned my mother »Goodbye Davy You are going
for your own good Goodbye my child You will come home in the holidays and
be a better boy«
»Clara« Miss Murdstone repeated
»Certainly my dear Jane« replied my mother who was holding me »I forgive
you my dear boy God bless you«
»Clara« Miss Murdstone repeated
Miss Murdstone was good enough to take me out to the cart and to say on the
way that she hoped I would repent before I came to a bad end and then I got
into the cart and the lazy horse walked off with it
Chapter V
I Am Sent Away from Home
We might have gone about half a mile and my pockethandkerchief was quite wet
through when the carrier stopped short
Looking out to ascertain for what I saw to my amazement Peggotty burst
from a hedge and climb into the cart She took me in both her arms and squeezed
me to her stays until the pressure on my nose was extremely painful though I
never thought of that till afterwards when I found it very tender Not a single
word did Peggotty speak Releasing one of her arms she put it down in her
pocket to the elbow and brought out some paper bags of cakes which she crammed
into my pockets and a purse which she put into my hand but not one word did
she say After another and a final squeeze with both arms she got down from the
cart and ran away and my belief is and has always been without a solitary
button on her gown I picked up one of several that were rolling about and
treasured it as a keepsake for a long time
The carrier looked at me as if to inquire if she were coming back I shook
my head and said I thought not »Then come up« said the carrier to the lazy
horse who came up accordingly
Having by this time cried as much as I possibly could I began to think it
was of no use crying any more especially as neither Roderick Random nor that
Captain in the Royal British Navy had ever cried that I could remember in
trying situations The carrier seeing me in this resolution proposed that my
pockethandkerchief should be spread upon the horses back to dry I thanked
him and assented and particularly small it looked under those circumstances
I had now leisure to examine the purse It was a stiff leather purse with a
snap and had three bright shillings in it which Peggotty had evidently
polished up with whitening for my greater delight But its most precious
contents were two halfcrowns folded together in a bit of paper on which was
written in my mothers hand »For Davy With my love« I was so overcome by
this that I asked the carrier to be so good as to reach me my
pockethandkerchief again but he said he thought I had better do without it
and I thought I really had so I wiped my eyes on my sleeve and stopped myself
For good too though in consequence of my previous emotions I was still
occasionally seized with a stormy sob After we had jogged on for some little
time I asked the carrier if he was going all the way
»All the way where« inquired the carrier
»There« I said
»Wheres there« inquired the carrier
»Near London« I said
»Why that horse« said the carrier jerking the rein to point him out
»would be deader than pork afore he got over half the ground«
»Are you only going to Yarmouth then« I asked
»Thats about it« said the carrier »And there I shall take you to the
stagecutch and the stagecutch thatll take you to wherever it is«
As this was a great deal for the carrier whose name was Mr Barkis to say
he being as I observed in a former chapter of a phlegmatic temperament and
not at all conversational I offered him a cake as a mark of attention which he
ate at one gulp exactly like an elephant and which made no more impression on
his big face than it would have done on an elephants
»Did she make em now« said Mr Barkis always leaning forward in his
slouching way on the footboard of the cart with an arm on each knee
»Peggotty do you mean sir«
»Ah« said Mr Barkis »Her«
»Yes She makes all our pastry and does all our cooking«
»Do she though« said Mr Barkis
He made up his mouth as if to whistle but he didnt whistle He sat looking
at the horses ears as if he saw something new there and sat so for a
considerable time Byandby he said
»No sweethearts I blieve«
»Sweetmeats did you say Mr Barkis« For I thought he wanted something else
to eat and had pointedly alluded to that description of refreshment
»Hearts« said Mr Barkis »Sweethearts no person walks with her«
»With Peggotty«
»Ah« he said »Her«
»Oh no She never had a sweetheart«
»Didnt she though« said Mr Barkis
Again he made up his mouth to whistle and again he didnt whistle but sat
looking at the horses ears
»So she makes« said Mr Barkis after a long interval of reflection »all
the apple parsties and does all the cooking do she«
I replied that such was the fact
»Well Ill tell you what« said Mr Barkis »Praps you might be writin to
her«
»I shall certainly write to her« I rejoined
»Ah« he said slowly turning his eyes towards me »Well If you was writin
to her praps youd recollect to say that Barkis was willin would you«
»That Barkis was willing« I repeated innocently »Is that all the
message«
»Yees« he said considering »Yees Barkis is willin«
»But you will be at Blunderstone again tomorrow Mr Barkis« I said
faltering a little at the idea of my being far away from it then »and could
give your own message so much better«
As he repudiated this suggestion however with a jerk of his head and once
more confirmed his previous request by saying with profound gravity »Barkis is
willin Thats the message« I readily undertook its transmission While I was
waiting for the coach in the hotel at Yarmouth that very afternoon I procured a
sheet of paper and an inkstand and wrote a note to Peggotty which ran thus »My
dear Peggotty I have come here safe Barkis is willing My love to mama Yours
affectionately P S He says he particularly wants you to know Barkis is
willing«
When I had taken this commission on myself prospectively Mr Barkis
relapsed into perfect silence and I feeling quite worn out by all that had
happened lately lay down on a sack in the cart and fell asleep I slept soundly
until we got to Yarmouth which was so entirely new and strange to me in the
innyard to which we drove that I at once abandoned a latent hope I had had of
meeting with some of Mr Peggottys family there perhaps even with little Emly
herself
The coach was in the yard shining very much all over but without any
horses to it as yet and it looked in that state as if nothing was more unlikely
than its ever going to London I was thinking this and wondering what would
ultimately become of my box which Mr Barkis had put down on the yardpavement
by the pole he having driven up the yard to turn his cart and also what would
ultimately become of me when a lady looked out of a bowwindow where some fowls
and joints of meat were hanging up and said
»Is that the little gentleman from Blunderstone«
»Yes maam« I said
»What name« inquired the lady
»Copperfield maam« I said
»That wont do« returned the lady »Nobodys dinner is paid for here in
that name«
»Is it Murdstone maam« I said
»If youre Master Murdstone« said the lady »why do you go and give another
name first«
I explained to the lady how it was who then rang a bell and called out
»William show the coffeeroom« upon which a waiter came running out of a
kitchen on the opposite side of the yard to show it and seemed a good deal
surprised when he was only to show it to me
It was a large long room with some large maps in it I doubt if I could have
felt much stranger if the maps had been real foreign countries and I cast away
in the middle of them I felt it was taking a liberty to sit down with my cap
in my hand on the corner of the chair nearest the door and when the waiter
laid a cloth on purpose for me and put a set of casters on it I think I must
have turned red all over with modesty
He brought me some chops and vegetables and took the covers off in such a
bouncing manner that I was afraid I must have given him some offence But he
greatly relieved my mind by putting a chair for me at the table and saying very
affably »Now sixfoot come on«
I thanked him and took my seat at the board but found it extremely
difficult to handle my knife and fork with anything like dexterity or to avoid
splashing myself with the gravy while he was standing opposite staring so
hard and making me blush in the most dreadful manner every time I caught his
eye After watching me into the second chop he said
»Theres half a pint of ale for you Will you have it now«
I thanked him and said »Yes« Upon which he poured it out of a jug into a
large tumbler and held it up against the light and made it look beautiful
»My eye« he said »It seems a good deal dont it«
»It does seem a good deal« I answered with a smile For it was quite
delightful to me to find him so pleasant He was a twinklingeyed pimplefaced
man with his hair standing upright all over his head and as he stood with one
arm akimbo holding up the glass to the light with the other hand he looked
quite friendly
»There was a gentleman here yesterday« he said »a stout gentleman by the
name of Topsawyer perhaps you know him«
»No« I said »I dont think «
»In breeches and gaiters broadbrimmed hat grey coat speckled choker«
said the waiter
»No« I said bashfully »I havent the pleasure «
»He came in here« said the waiter looking at the light through the
tumbler »ordered a glass of this ale would order it I told him not drank
it and fell dead It was too old for him It oughtnt to be drawn thats the
fact«
I was very much shocked to hear of this melancholy accident and said I
thought I had better have some water
»Why you see« said the waiter still looking at the light through the
tumbler with one of his eyes shut up »our people dont like things being
ordered and left It offends em But Ill drink it if you like Im used to
it and use is everything I dont think itll hurt me if I throw my head back
and take it off quick Shall I«
I replied that he would much oblige me by drinking it if he thought he
could do it safely but by no means otherwise When he did throw his head back
and take it off quick I had a horrible fear I confess of seeing him meet the
fate of the lamented Mr Topsawyer and fall lifeless on the carpet But it
didnt hurt him On the contrary I thought he seemed the fresher for it
»What have we got here« he said putting a fork into my dish »Not chops«
»Chops« I said
»Lord bless my soul« he exclaimed »I didnt know they were chops Why a
chops the very thing to take off the bad effects of that beer Aint it lucky«
So he took a chop by the bone in one hand and a potato in the other and
ate away with a very good appetite to my extreme satisfaction He afterwards
took another chop and another potato and after that another chop and another
potato When he had done he brought me a pudding and having set it before me
seemed to ruminate and to become absent in his mind for some moments
»Hows the pie« he said rousing himself
»Its a pudding« I made answer
»Pudding« he exclaimed »Why bless me so it is What« looking at it
nearer »You dont mean to say its a batterpudding«
»Yes it is indeed«
»Why a batterpudding« he said taking up a tablespoon »is my favourite
pudding Aint that lucky Come on little un and lets see wholl get most«
The waiter certainly got most He entreated me more than once to come in and
win but what with his tablespoon to my teaspoon his dispatch to my dispatch
and his appetite to my appetite I was left far behind at the first mouthful
and had no chance with him I never saw any one enjoy a pudding so much I
think and he laughed when it was all gone as if his enjoyment of it lasted
still
Finding him so very friendly and companionable it was then that I asked for
the pen and ink and paper to write to Peggotty He not only brought it
immediately but was good enough to look over me while I wrote the letter When
I had finished it he asked me where I was going to school
I said »Near London« which was all I knew
»Oh my eye« he said looking very lowspirited »I am sorry for that«
»Why« I asked him
»Oh Lord« he said shaking his head »thats the school where they broke
the boys ribs two ribs a little boy he was I should say he was let me
see how old are you about«
I told him between eight and nine
»Thats just his age« he said »He was eight years and six months old when
they broke his first rib eight years and eight months old when they broke his
second and did for him«
I could not disguise from myself or from the waiter that this was an
uncomfortable coincidence and inquired how it was done His answer was not
cheering to my spirits for it consisted of two dismal words »With whopping«
The blowing of the coachhorn in the yard was a seasonable diversion which
made me get up and hesitatingly inquire in the mingled pride and diffidence of
having a purse which I took out of my pocket if there were anything to pay
»Theres a sheet of letterpaper« he returned »Did you ever buy a sheet of
letterpaper«
I could not remember that I ever had
»Its dear« he said »on account of the duty Threepence Thats the way
were taxed in this country Theres nothing else except the waiter Never mind
the ink I lose by that«
»What should you what should I how much ought I to what would it be
right to pay the waiter if you please« I stammered blushing
»If I hadnt a family and that family hadnt the cowpock« said the waiter
»I wouldnt take a sixpence If I didnt support a aged pairint and a lovely
sister« here the waiter was greatly agitated »I wouldnt take a farthing
If I had a good place and was treated well here I should beg acceptance of a
trifle instead of taking of it But I live on broken wittles and I sleep on
the coals« here the waiter burst into tears
I was very much concerned for his misfortunes and felt that any recognition
short of ninepence would be mere brutality and hardness of heart Therefore I
gave him one of my three bright shillings which he received with much humility
and veneration and spun up with his thumb directly afterwards to try the
goodness of
It was a little disconcerting to me to find when I was being helped up
behind the coach that I was supposed to have eaten all the dinner without any
assistance I discovered this from overhearing the lady in the bowwindow say
to the guard »Take care of that child George or hell burst« and from
observing that the womenservants who were about the place came out to look and
giggle at me as a young phenomenon My unfortunate friend the waiter who had
quite recovered his spirits did not appear to be disturbed by this but joined
in the general admiration without being at all confused If I had any doubt of
him I suppose this half awakened it but I am inclined to believe that with the
simple confidence of a child and the natural reliance of a child upon superior
years qualities I am very sorry any children should prematurely change for
worldly wisdom I had no serious mistrust of him on the whole even then
I felt it rather hard I must own to be made without deserving it the
subject of jokes between the coachman and guard as to the coach drawing heavy
behind on account of my sitting there and as to the greater expediency of my
travelling by waggon The story of my supposed appetite getting wind among the
outside passengers they were merry upon it likewise and asked me whether I was
going to be paid for at school as two brothers or three and whether I was
contracted for or went upon the regular terms with other pleasant questions
But the worst of it was that I knew I should be ashamed to eat anything when
an opportunity offered and that after a rather light dinner I should remain
hungry all night for I had left my cakes behind at the hotel in my hurry My
apprehensions were realised When we stopped for supper I couldnt muster
courage to take any though I should have liked it very much but sat by the
fire and said I didnt want anything This did not save me from more jokes
either for a huskyvoiced gentleman with a rough face who had been eating out
of a sandwichbox nearly all the way except when he had been drinking out of a
bottle said I was like a boaconstrictor who took enough at one meal to last
him a long time after which he actually brought a rash out upon himself with
boiled beef
We had started from Yarmouth at three oclock in the afternoon and we were
due in London about eight next morning It was Midsummer weather and the
evening was very pleasant When we passed through a village I pictured to
myself what the insides of the houses were like and what the inhabitants were
about and when boys came running after us and got up behind and swung there
for a little way I wondered whether their fathers were alive and whether they
were happy at home I had plenty to think of therefore besides my mind running
continually on the kind of place I was going to which was an awful
speculation Sometimes I remember I resigned myself to thoughts of home and
Peggotty and to endeavouring in a confused blind way to recall how I had
felt and what sort of boy I used to be before I bit Mr Murdstone which I
couldnt satisfy myself about by any means I seemed to have bitten him in such
a remote antiquity
The night was not so pleasant as the evening for it got chilly and being
put between two gentlemen the roughfaced one and another to prevent my
tumbling off the coach I was nearly smothered by their falling asleep and
completely blocking me up They squeezed me so hard sometimes that I could not
help crying out »Oh if you please« which they didnt like at all because
it woke them Opposite me was an elderly lady in a great fur cloak who looked
in the dark more like a haystack than a lady she was wrapped up to such a
degree This lady had a basket with her and she hadnt known what to do with
it for a long time until she found that on account of my legs being short it
could go underneath me It cramped and hurt me so that it made me perfectly
miserable but if I moved in the least and made a glass that was in the basket
rattle against something else as it was sure to do she gave me the cruellest
poke with her foot and said »Come dont you fidget Your bones are young
enough Im sure«
At last the sun rose and then my companions seemed to sleep easier The
difficulties under which they had laboured all night and which had found
utterance in the most terrific gasps and snorts are not to be conceived As the
sun got higher their sleep became lighter and so they gradually one by one
awoke I recollect being very much surprised by the feint everybody made then
of not having been to sleep at all and by the uncommon indignation with which
every one repelled the charge I labour under the same kind of astonishment to
this day having invariably observed that of all human weaknesses the one to
which our common nature is the least disposed to confess I cannot imagine why
is the weakness of having gone to sleep in a coach
What an amazing place London was to me when I saw it in the distance and
how I believed all the adventures of all my favourite heroes to be constantly
enacting and reenacting there and how I vaguely made it out in my own mind to
be fuller of wonders and wickedness than all the cities of the earth I need not
stop here to relate We approached it by degrees and got in due time to the
inn in the Whitechapel district for which we were bound I forget whether it
was the Blue Bull or the Blue Boar but I know it was the Blue Something and
that its likeness was painted up on the back of the coach
The guards eye lighted on me as he was getting down and he said at the
bookingoffice door
»Is there anybody here for a yoongster booked in the name of Murdstone from
Bloonderstone Sooffolk to be left till called for«
Nobody answered
»Try Copperfield if you please sir« said I looking helplessly down
»Is there anybody here for a yoongster booked in the name of Murdstone
from Bloonderstone Sooffolk but owning to the name of Copperfield to be left
till called for« said the guard »Come Is there anybody«
No There was nobody I looked anxiously around but the inquiry made no
impression on any of the bystanders if I except a man in gaiters with one eye
who suggested that they had better put a brass collar round my neck and tie me
up in the stable
A ladder was brought and I got down after the lady who was like a
haystack not daring to stir until her basket was removed The coach was clear
of passengers by that time the luggage was very soon cleared out the horses
had been taken out before the luggage and now the coach itself was wheeled and
backed off by some hostlers out of the way Still nobody appeared to claim
the dusty youngster from Blunderstone Suffolk
More solitary than Robinson Crusoe who had nobody to look at him and see
that he was solitary I went into the bookingoffice and by invitation of the
clerk on duty passed behind the counter and sat down on the scale at which
they weighed the luggage Here as I sat looking at the parcels packages and
books and inhaling the smell of stables ever since associated with that
morning a procession of most tremendous considerations began to march through
my mind Supposing nobody should ever fetch me how long would they consent to
keep me there Would they keep me long enough to spend seven shillings Should I
sleep at night in one of those wooden bins with the other luggage and wash
myself at the pump in the yard in the morning or should I be turned out every
night and expected to come again to be left till called for when the office
opened next day Supposing there was no mistake in the case and Mr Murdstone
had devised this plan to get rid of me what should I do If they allowed me to
remain there until my seven shillings were spent I couldnt hope to remain
there when I began to starve That would obviously be inconvenient and
unpleasant to the customers besides entailing on the Blue Whateveritwas the
risk of funeral expenses If I started off at once and tried to walk back home
how could I ever find my way how could I ever hope to walk so far how could I
make sure of any one but Peggotty even if I got back If I found out the
nearest proper authorities and offered myself to go for a soldier or a sailor
I was such a little fellow that it was most likely they wouldnt take me in
These thoughts and a hundred other such thoughts turned me burning hot and
made me giddy with apprehension and dismay I was in the height of my fever when
a man entered and whispered to the clerk who presently slanted me off the
scale and pushed me over to him as if I were weighed bought delivered and
paid for
As I went out of the office hand in hand with this new acquaintance I
stole a look at him He was a gaunt sallow young man with hollow cheeks and a
chin almost as black as Mr Murdstones but there the likeness ended for his
whiskers were shaved off and his hair instead of being glossy was rusty and
dry He was dressed in a suit of black clothes which were rather rusty and dry
too and rather short in the sleeves and legs and he had a white neckkerchief
on that was not overclean I did not and do not suppose that this
neckkerchief was all the linen he wore but it was all he showed or gave any
hint of
»Youre the new boy« he said
»Yes sir« I said
I supposed I was I didnt know
»Im one of the masters at Salem House« he said
I made him a bow and felt very much overawed I was so ashamed to allude to
a commonplace thing like my box to a scholar and a master at Salem House that
we had gone some little distance from the yard before I had the hardihood to
mention it We turned back on my humbly insinuating that it might be useful to
me hereafter and he told the clerk that the carrier had instructions to call
for it at noon
»If you please sir« I said when we had accomplished about the same
distance as before »is it far«
»Its down by Blackheath« he said
»Is that far sir« I diffidently asked
»Its a good step« he said »We shall go by the stagecoach Its about six
miles«
I was so faint and tired that the idea of holding out for six miles more
was too much for me I took heart to tell him that I had had nothing all night
and that if he would allow me to buy something to eat I should be very much
obliged to him He appeared surprised at this I see him stop and look at me
now and after considering for a few moments said he wanted to call on an old
person who lived not far off and that the best way would be for me to buy some
bread or whatever I liked best that was wholesome and make my breakfast at her
house where we could get some milk
Accordingly we looked in at a bakers window and after I had made a series
of proposals to buy everything that was bilious in the shop and he had rejected
them one by one we decided in favour of a nice little loaf of brown bread
which cost me threepence Then at a grocers shop we bought an egg and a slice
of streaky bacon which still left what I thought a good deal of change out of
the second of the bright shillings and made me consider London a very cheap
place These provisions laid in we went on through a great noise and uproar
that confused my weary head beyond description and over a bridge which no
doubt was London Bridge indeed I think he told me so but I was half asleep
until we came to the poor persons house which was a part of some almshouses
as I knew by their look and by an inscription on a stone over the gate which
said they were established for twentyfive poor women
The Master at Salem House lifted the latch of one of a number of little
black doors that were all alike and had each a little diamondpaned window on
one side and another little diamondpaned window above and we went into the
little house of one of these poor old women who was blowing a fire to make a
little saucepan boil On seeing the master enter the old woman stopped with the
bellows on her knee and said something that I thought sounded like »My
Charley« but on seeing me come in too she got up and rubbing her hands made a
confused sort of half curtsey
»Can you cook this young gentlemans breakfast for him if you please« said
the Master at Salem House
»Can I« said the old woman »Yes can I sure«
»Hows Mrs Fibbitson today« said the Master looking at another old woman
in a large chair by the fire who was such a bundle of clothes that I feel
grateful to this hour for not having sat upon her by mistake
»Ah shes poorly« said the first old woman »Its one of her bad days If
the fire was to go out through any accident I verily believe shed go out too
and never come to life again«
As they looked at her I looked at her also Although it was a warm day she
seemed to think of nothing but the fire I fancied she was jealous even of the
saucepan on it and I have reason to know that she took its impressment into the
service of boiling my egg and broiling my bacon in dudgeon for I saw her with
my own discomfited eyes shake her fist at me once when those culinary
operations were going on and no one else was looking The sun streamed in at
the little window but she sat with her own back and the back of the large chair
towards it screening the fire as if she were sedulously keeping it warm
instead of it keeping her warm and watching it in a most distrustful manner
The completion of the preparations for my breakfast by relieving the fire gave
her such extreme joy that she laughed aloud and a very unmelodious laugh she
had I must say
I sat down to my brown loaf my egg and my rasher of bacon with a basin of
milk besides and made a most delicious meal While I was yet in the full
enjoyment of it the old woman of the house said to the Master
»Have you got your flute with you«
»Yes« he returned
»Have a blow at it« said the old woman coaxingly »Do«
The Master upon this put his hand underneath the skirts of his coat and
brought out his flute in three pieces which he screwed together and began
immediately to play My impression is after many years of consideration that
there never can have been anybody in the world who played worse He made the
most dismal sounds I have ever heard produced by any means natural or
artificial I dont know what the tunes were if there were such things in the
performance at all which I doubt but the influence of the strain upon me was
first to make me think of all my sorrows until I could hardly keep my tears
back then to take away my appetite and lastly to make me so sleepy that I
couldnt keep my eyes open They begin to close again and I begin to nod as
the recollection rises fresh upon me Once more the little room with its open
corner cupboard and its squarebacked chairs and its angular little staircase
leading to the room above and its three peacocks feathers displayed over the
mantelpiece I remember wondering when I first went in what that peacock would
have thought if he had known what his finery was doomed to come to fades from
before me and I nod and sleep The flute becomes inaudible the wheels of the
coach are heard instead and I am on my journey The coach jolts I wake with a
start and the flute has come back again and the Master at Salem House is
sitting with his legs crossed playing it dolefully while the old woman of the
house looks on delighted She fades in her turn and he fades and all fades
and there is no flute no Master no Salem House no David Copperfield no
anything but heavy sleep
I dreamed I thought that once while he was blowing into this dismal flute
the old woman of the house who had gone nearer and nearer to him in her
ecstatic admiration leaned over the back of his chair and gave him an
affectionate squeeze round the neck which stopped his playing for a moment I
was in the middle state between sleeping and waking either then or immediately
afterwards for as he resumed it was a real fact that he had stopped playing
I saw and heard the same old woman ask Mrs Fibbitson if it wasnt delicious
meaning the flute to which Mrs Fibbitson replied »Ay ay yes« and nodded
at the fire to which I am persuaded she gave the credit of the whole
performance
When I seemed to have been dozing a long while the Master at Salem House
unscrewed his flute into the three pieces put them up as before and took me
away We found the coach very near at hand and got upon the roof but I was so
dead sleepy that when we stopped on the road to take up somebody else they put
me inside where there were no passengers and where I slept profoundly until I
found the coach going at a footpace up a steep hill among green leaves
Presently it stopped and had come to its destination
A short walk brought us I mean the Master and me to Salem House which
was enclosed with a high brick wall and looked very dull Over a door in this
wall was a board with SALEM HOUSE upon it and through a grating in this door we
were surveyed when we rang the bell by a surly face which I found on the
door being opened belonged to a stout man with a bullneck a wooden leg
overhanging temples and his hair cut close all round his head
»The new boy« said the Master
The man with the wooden leg eyed me all over it didnt take long for
there was not much of me and locked the gate behind us and took out the key
We were going up to the house among some dark heavy trees when he called after
my conductor
»Hallo«
We looked back and he was standing at the door of a little lodge where he
lived with a pair of boots in his hand
»Here The cobblers been« he said »since youve been out Mr Mell and
he says he cant mend em any more He says there aint a bit of the original
boot left and he wonders you expect it«
With these words he threw the boots towards Mr Mell who went back a few
paces to pick them up and looked at them very disconsolately I was afraid as
we went on together I observed then for the first time that the boots he had
on were a good deal the worse for wear and that his stocking was just breaking
out in one place like a bud
Salem House was a square brick building with wings of a bare and
unfurnished appearance All about it was so very quiet that I said to Mr Mell
I supposed the boys were out but he seemed surprised at my not knowing that it
was holidaytime That all the boys were at their several homes That Mr
Creakle the proprietor was down by the seaside with Mrs and Miss Creakle
And that I was sent in holidaytime as a punishment for my misdoing All of
which he explained to me as we went along
I gazed upon the schoolroom into which he took me as the most forlorn and
desolate place I had ever seen I see it now A long room with three long rows
of desks and six of forms and bristling all round with pegs for hats and
slates Scraps of old copybooks and exercises litter the dirty floor Some
silkworms houses made of the same materials are scattered over the desks Two
miserable little white mice left behind by their owner are running up and down
in a fusty castle made of pasteboard and wire looking in all the corners with
their red eyes for anything to eat A bird in a cage very little bigger than
himself makes a mournful rattle now and then in hopping on his perch two
inches high or dropping from it but neither sings nor chirps There is a
strange unwholesome smell upon the room like mildewed corduroys sweet apples
wanting air and rotten books There could not well be more ink splashed about
it if it had been roofless from its first construction and the skies had
rained snowed hailed and blown ink through the varying seasons of the year
Mr Mell having left me while he took his irreparable boots upstairs I
went softly to the upper end of the room observing all this as I crept along
Suddenly I came upon a pasteboard placard beautifully written which was lying
on the desk and bore these words »Take care of him He bites«
I got upon the desk immediately apprehensive of at least a great dog
underneath But though I looked all round with anxious eyes I could see
nothing of him I was still engaged in peering about when Mr Mell came back
and asked me what I did up there
»I beg your pardon sir« says I »if you please Im looking for the dog«
»Dog« says he »What dog«
»Isnt it a dog sir«
»Isnt what a dog«
»Thats to be taken care of sir that bites«
»No Copperfield« says he gravely »thats not a dog Thats a boy My
instructions are Copperfield to put this placard on your back I am sorry to
make such a beginning with you but I must do it«
With that he took me down and tied the placard which was neatly
constructed for the purpose on my shoulders like a knapsack and wherever I
went afterwards I had the consolation of carrying it
What I suffered from that placard nobody can imagine Whether it was
possible for people to see me or not I always fancied that somebody was reading
it It was no relief to turn round and find nobody for wherever my back was
there I imagined somebody always to be That cruel man with the wooden leg
aggravated my sufferings He was in authority and if he ever saw me leaning
against a tree or a wall or the house he roared out from his lodgedoor in a
stupendous voice »Hallo you sir You Copperfield Show that badge conspicuous
or Ill report you« The playground was a bare gravelled yard open to all the
back of the house and the offices and I knew that the servants read it and the
butcher read it and the baker read it that everybody in a word who came
backwards and forwards to the house of a morning when I was ordered to walk
there read that I was to be taken care of for I bit I recollect that I
positively began to have a dread of myself as a kind of wild boy who did bite
There was an old door in this playground on which the boys had a custom of
carving their names It was completely covered with such inscriptions In my
dread of the end of the vacation and their coming back I could not read a boys
name without inquiring in what tone and with what emphasis he would read »Take
care of him He bites« There was one boy a certain J Steerforth who cut
his name very deep and very often who I conceived would read it in a rather
strong voice and afterwards pull my hair There was another boy one Tommy
Traddles who I dreaded would make game of it and pretend to be dreadfully
frightened of me There was a third George Demple who I fancied would sing it
I have looked a little shrinking creature at that door until the owners of
all the names there were fiveandforty of them in the school then Mr Mell
said seemed to send me to Coventry by general acclamation and to cry out
each in his own way »Take care of him He bites«
It was the same with the places at the desks and forms It was the same with
the groves of deserted bedsteads I peeped at on my way to and when I was in
my own bed I remember dreaming night after night of being with my mother as
she used to be or of going to a party at Mr Peggottys or of travelling
outside the stagecoach or of dining again with my unfortunate friend the
waiter and in all these circumstances making people scream and stare by the
unhappy disclosure that I had nothing on but my little nightshirt and that
placard
In the monotony of my life and in my constant apprehension of the
reopening of the school it was such an insupportable affliction I had long
tasks every day to do with Mr Mell but I did them there being no Mr and Miss
Murdstone here and got through them without disgrace Before and after them I
walked about supervised as I have mentioned by the man with the wooden leg
How vividly I call to mind the damp about the house the green cracked
flagstones in the court an old leaky waterbutt and the discoloured trunks of
some of the grim trees which seemed to have dripped more in the rain than other
trees and to have blown less in the sun At one we dined Mr Mell and I at
the upper end of a long bare diningroom full of deal tables and smelling of
fat Then we had more tasks until tea which Mr Mell drank out of a blue
teacup and I out of a tin pot All day long and until seven or eight in the
evening Mr Mell at his own detached desk in the schoolroom worked hard with
pen ink ruler books and writingpaper making out the bills as I found for
last halfyear When he had put up his things for the night he took out his
flute and blew at it until I almost thought he would gradually blow his whole
being into the large hole at the top and ooze away at the keys
I picture my small self in the dimlylighted rooms sitting with my head
upon my hand listening to the doleful performance of Mr Mell and conning
tomorrows lessons I picture myself with my books shut up still listening to
the doleful performance of Mr Mell and listening through it to what used to be
at home and to the blowing of the wind on Yarmouth flats and feeling very sad
and solitary I picture myself going up to bed among the unused rooms and
sitting on my bedside crying for a comfortable word from Peggotty I picture
myself coming downstairs in the morning and looking through a long ghastly
gash of a staircase window at the schoolbell hanging on the top of an outhouse
with a weathercock above it and dreading the time when it shall ring J
Steerforth and the rest to work Such time is only second in my foreboding
apprehensions to the time when the man with the wooden leg shall unlock the
rusty gate to give admission to the awful Mr Creakle I cannot think I was a
very dangerous character in any of these aspects but in all of them I carried
the same warning on my back
Mr Mell never said much to me but he was never harsh to me I suppose we
were company to each other without talking I forgot to mention that he would
talk to himself sometimes and grin and clench his fist and grind his teeth
and pull his hair in an unaccountable manner But he had these peculiarities At
first they frightened me though I soon got used to them
Chapter VI
I Enlarge My Circle of Acquaintance
I had led this life about a month when the man with the wooden leg began to
stump about with a mop and a bucket of water from which I inferred that
preparations were making to receive Mr Creakle and the boys I was not
mistaken for the mop came into the schoolroom before long and turned out Mr
Mell and me who lived where we could and got on how we could for some days
during which we were always in the way of two or three young women who had
rarely shown themselves before and were so continually in the midst of dust
that I sneezed almost as much as if Salem House had been a great snuffbox
One day I was informed by Mr Mell that Mr Creakle would be home that
evening In the evening after tea I heard that he was come Before bedtime I
was fetched by the man with the wooden leg to appear before him
Mr Creakles part of the house was a good deal more comfortable than ours
and he had a snug bit of garden that looked pleasant after the dusty playground
which was such a desert in miniature that I thought no one but a camel or a
dromedary could have felt at home in it It seemed to me a bold thing even to
take notice that the passage looked comfortable as I went on my way trembling
to Mr Creakles presence which so abashed me when I was ushered into it that
I hardly saw Mrs Creakle or Miss Creakle who were both there in the parlour
or anything but Mr Creakle a stout gentleman with a bunch of watchchain and
seals in an armchair with a tumbler and bottle beside him
»So« said Mr Creakle »This is the young gentleman whose teeth are to be
filed Turn him round«
The woodenlegged man turned me about so as to exhibit the placard and
having afforded time for a full survey of it turned me about again with my
face to Mr Creakle and posted himself at Mr Creakles side Mr Creakles
face was fiery and his eyes were small and deep in his head he had thick
veins in his forehead a little nose and a large chin He was bald on the top
of his head and had some thin wetlooking hair that was just turning grey
brushed across each temple so that the two sides interlaced on his forehead
But the circumstance about him which impressed me most was that he had no
voice but spoke in a whisper The exertion this cost him or the consciousness
of talking in that feeble way made his angry face so much more angry and his
thick veins so much thicker when he spoke that I am not surprised on looking
back at this peculiarity striking me as his chief one
»Now« said Mr Creakle »Whats the report of this boy«
»Theres nothing against him yet« returned the man with the wooden leg
»There has been no opportunity«
I thought Mr Creakle was disappointed I thought Mrs and Miss Creakle at
whom I now glanced for the first time and who were both thin and quiet were
not disappointed
»Come here sir« said Mr Creakle beckoning to me
»Come here« said the man with the wooden leg repeating the gesture
»I have the happiness of knowing your fatherinlaw« whispered Mr Creakle
taking me by the ear »and a worthy man he is and a man of a strong character
He knows me and I know him Do you know me Hey« said Mr Creakle pinching my
ear with ferocious playfulness
»Not yet sir« I said flinching with the pain
»Not yet Hey« repeated Mr Creakle »But you will soon Hey«
»You will soon Hey« repeated the man with the wooden leg I afterwards
found that he generally acted with his strong voice as Mr Creakles
interpreter to the boys
I was very much frightened and said I hoped so if he pleased I felt all
this while as if my ear were blazing he pinched it so hard
»Ill tell you what I am« whispered Mr Creakle letting it go at last
with a screw at parting that brought the water into my eyes »Im a Tartar«
»A Tartar« said the man with the wooden leg
»When I say Ill do a thing I do it« said Mr Creakle »and when I say I
will have a thing done I will have it done«
» Will have a thing done I will have it done« repeated the man with the
wooden leg
»I am a determined character« said Mr Creakle »Thats what I am I do my
duty Thats what I do My flesh and blood« he looked at Mrs Creakle as he
said this »when it rises against me is not my flesh and blood I discard it
Has that fellow« to the man with the wooden leg »been here again«
»No« was the answer
»No« said Mr Creakle »He knows better He knows me Let him keep away I
say let him keep away« said Mr Creakle striking his hand upon the table and
looking at Mrs Creakle »for he knows me Now you have begun to know me too my
young friend and you may go Take him away«
I was very glad to be ordered away for Mrs and Miss Creakle were both
wiping their eyes and I felt as uncomfortable for them as I did for myself But
I had a petition on my mind which concerned me so nearly that I couldnt help
saying though I wondered at my own courage
»If you please sir «
Mr Creakle whispered »Hah Whats this« and bent his eyes upon me as if
he would have burnt me up with them
»If you please sir« I faltered »if I might be allowed I am very sorry
indeed sir for what I did to take this writing off before the boys come back
«
Whether Mr Creakle was in earnest or whether he only did it to frighten
me I dont know but he made a burst out of his chair before which I
precipitately retreated without waiting for the escort of the man with the
wooden leg and never once stopped until I reached my own bedroom where
finding I was not pursued I went to bed as it was time and lay quaking for a
couple of hours
Next morning Mr Sharp came back Mr Sharp was the first master and
superior to Mr Mell Mr Mell took his meals with the boys but Mr Sharp dined
and supped at Mr Creakles table He was a limp delicatelooking gentleman I
thought with a good deal of nose and a way of carrying his head on one side
as if it were a little too heavy for him His hair was very smooth and wavy but
I was informed by the very first boy who came back that it was a wig a
secondhand one he said and that Mr Sharp went out every Saturday afternoon
to get it curled
It was no other than Tommy Traddles who gave me this piece of intelligence
He was the first boy who returned He introduced himself by informing me that I
should find his name on the righthand corner of the gate over the topbolt
upon that I said »Traddles« to which he replied »The same« and then he asked
me for a full account of myself and family
It was a happy circumstance for me that Traddles came back first He enjoyed
my placard so much that he saved me from the embarrassment of either disclosure
or concealment by presenting me to every other boy who came back great or
small immediately on his arrival in this form of introduction »Look here
Heres a game« Happily too the greater part of the boys came back
lowspirited and were not so boisterous at my expense as I had expected Some
of them certainly did dance about me like wild Indians and the greater part
could not resist the temptation of pretending that I was a dog and patting and
smoothing me lest I should bite and saying »Lie down sir« and calling me
Towzer This was naturally confusing among so many strangers and cost me some
tears but on the whole it was much better than I had anticipated
I was not considered as being formally received into the school however
until J Steerforth arrived Before this boy who was reputed to be a great
scholar and was very goodlooking and at least halfadozen years my senior I
was carried as before a magistrate He inquired under a shed in the playground
into the particulars of my punishment and was pleased to express his opinion
that it was a jolly shame for which I became bound to him ever afterwards
»What money have you got Copperfield« he said walking aside with me when
he had disposed of my affair in these terms
I told him seven shillings
»You had better give it to me to take care of« he said »At least you can
if you like You neednt if you dont like«
I hastened to comply with his friendly suggestion and opening Peggottys
purse turned it upside down into his hand
»Do you want to spend anything now« he asked me
»No thank you« I replied
»You can if you like you know« said Steerforth »Say the word«
»No thank you sir« I repeated
»Perhaps youd like to spend a couple of shillings or so in a bottle of
currant wine byandby up in the bedroom« said Steerforth »You belong to my
bedroom I find«
It certainly had not occurred to me before but I said Yes I should like
that
»Very good« said Steerforth »Youll be glad to spend another shilling or
so in almond cakes I dare say«
I said Yes I should like that too
»And another shilling or so in biscuits and another in fruit eh« said
Steerforth »I say young Copperfield youre going it«
I smiled because he smiled but I was a little troubled in my mind too
»Well« said Steerforth »We must make it stretch as far as we can thats
all Ill do the best in my power for you I can go out when I like and Ill
smuggle the prog in« With these words he put the money in his pocket and
kindly told me not to make myself uneasy he would take care it should be all
right
He was as good as his word if that were all right which I had a secret
misgiving was nearly all wrong for I feared it was a waste of my mothers two
halfcrowns though I had preserved the piece of paper they were wrapped in
which was a precious saving When we went upstairs to bed he produced the
whole seven shillings worth and laid it out on my bed in the moonlight
saying
»There you are young Copperfield and a royal spread youve got«
I couldnt think of doing the honours of the feast at my time of life
while he was by my hand shook at the very thought of it I begged him to do me
the favour of presiding and my request being seconded by the other boys who
were in that room he acceded to it and sat upon my pillow handing round the
viands with perfect fairness I must say and dispensing the currant wine in
a little glass without a foot which was his own property As to me I sat on
his left hand and the rest were grouped about us on the nearest beds and on
the floor
How well I recollect our sitting there talking in whispers or their
talking and my respectfully listening I ought rather to say the moonlight
falling a little way into the room through the window painting a pale window
on the floor and the greater part of us in shadow except when Steerforth
dipped a match into a phosphorusbox when he wanted to look for anything on the
board and shed a blue glare over us that was gone directly A certain
mysterious feeling consequent on the darkness the secrecy of the revel and
the whisper in which everything was said steals over me again and I listen to
all they tell me with a vague feeling of solemnity and awe which makes me glad
that they are all so near and frightens me though I feign to laugh when
Traddles pretends to see a ghost in the corner
I heard all kinds of things about the school and all belonging to it I
heard that Mr Creakle had not preferred his claim to being a Tartar without
reason that he was the sternest and most severe of masters that he laid about
him right and left every day of his life charging in among the boys like a
trooper and slashing away unmercifully That he knew nothing himself but the
art of slashing being more ignorant J Steerforth said than the lowest boy in
the school that he had been a good many years ago a small hopdealer in the
Borough and had taken to the schooling business after being bankrupt in hops
and making away with Mrs Creakles money With a good deal more of that sort
which I wondered how they knew
I heard that the man with the wooden leg whose name was Tungay was an
obstinate barbarian who had formerly assisted in the hop business but had come
into the scholastic line with Mr Creakle in consequence as was supposed among
the boys of his having broken his leg in Mr Creakles service and having done
a deal of dishonest work for him and knowing his secrets I heard that with the
single exception of Mr Creakle Tungay considered the whole establishment
masters and boys as his natural enemies and that the only delight of his life
was to be sour and malicious I heard that Mr Creakle had a son who had not
been Tungays friend and who assisting in the school had once held some
remonstrance with his father on an occasion when its discipline was very cruelly
exercised and was supposed besides to have protested against his fathers
usage of his mother I heard that Mr Creakle had turned him out of doors in
consequence and that Mrs and Miss Creakle bad been in a sad way ever since
But the greatest wonder that I heard of Mr Creakle was there being one boy
in the school on whom he never ventured to lay a hand and that boy being J
Steerforth Steerforth himself confirmed this when it was stated and said that
he should like to begin to see him do it On being asked by a mild boy not me
how he would proceed if he did begin to see him do it he dipped a match into
his phosphorusbox on purpose to shed a glare over his reply and said he would
commence by knocking him down with a blow on the forehead from the
sevenandsixpenny inkbottle that was always on the mantelpiece We sat in the
dark for some time breathless
I heard that Mr Sharp and Mr Mell were both supposed to be wretchedly
paid and that when there was hot and cold meat for dinner at Mr Creakles
table Mr Sharp was always expected to say he preferred cold which was again
corroborated by J Steerforth the only parlourboarder I heard that Mr
Sharps wig didnt fit him and that he neednt be so bounceable somebody else
said »bumptious« about it because his own red hair was very plainly to be
seen behind
I heard that one boy who was a coalmerchants son came as a setoff
against the coalbill and was called on that account Exchange or Barter a
name selected from the arithmeticbook as expressing this arrangement I heard
that the tablebeer was a robbery of parents and the pudding an imposition I
heard that Miss Creakle was regarded by the school in general as being in love
with Steerforth and I am sure as I sat in the dark thinking of his nice
voice and his fine face and his easy manner and his curling hair I thought
it very likely I heard that Mr Mell was not a bad sort of fellow but hadnt a
sixpence to bless himself with and that there was no doubt that old Mrs Mell
his mother was as poor as Job I thought of my breakfast then and what had
sounded like »My Charley« but I was I am glad to remember as mute as a mouse
about it
The hearing of all this and a good deal more outlasted the banquet some
time The greater part of the guests had gone to bed as soon as the eating and
drinking were over and we who had remained whispering and listening half
undressed at last betook ourselves to bed too
»Good night young Copperfield« said Steerforth »Ill take care of you«
»Youre very kind« I gratefully returned »I am very much obliged to you«
»You havent got a sister have you« said Steerforth yawning
»No« I answered
»Thats a pity« said Steerforth »If you had had one I should think she
would have been a pretty timid little brighteyed sort of girl I should have
liked to know her Good night young Copperfield«
»Good night sir« I replied
I thought of him very much after I went to bed and raised myself I
recollect to look at him where he lay in the moonlight with his handsome face
turned up and his head reclining easily on his arm He was a person of great
power in my eyes that was of course the reason of my mind running on him No
veiled future dimly glanced upon him in the moonbeams There was no shadowy
picture of his footsteps in the garden that I dreamed of walking in all night
Chapter VII
My »First Half« at Salem House
School began in earnest next day A profound impression was made upon me I
remember by the roar of voices in the schoolroom suddenly becoming hushed as
death when Mr Creakle entered after breakfast and stood in the doorway looking
round upon us like a giant in a storybook surveying his captives
Tungay stood at Mr Creakles elbow He had no occasion I thought to cry
out »Silence« so ferociously for the boys were all struck speechless and
motionless
Mr Creakle was seen to speak and Tungay was heard to this effect
»Now boys this is a new half Take care what youre about in this new
half Come fresh up to the lessons I advise you for I come fresh up to the
punishment I wont flinch It will be of no use your rubbing yourselves you
wont rub the marks out that I shall give you Now get to work every boy«
When this dreadful exordium was over and Tungay had stumped out again Mr
Creakle came to where I sat and told me that if I were famous for biting he
was famous for biting too He then showed me the cane and asked me what I
thought of that for a tooth Was it a sharp tooth hey Was it a double tooth
hey Had it a deep prong hey Did it bite hey Did it bite At every question
he gave me a fleshy cut with it that made me writhe so I was very soon made
free of Salem House as Steerforth said and was very soon in tears also
Not that I mean to say these were special marks of distinction which only I
received On the contrary a large majority of the boys especially the smaller
ones were visited with similar instances of notice as Mr Creakle made the
round of the schoolroom Half the establishment was writhing and crying before
the days work began and how much of it had writhed and cried before the days
work was over I am really afraid to recollect lest I should seem to
exaggerate
I should think there never can have been a man who enjoyed his profession
more than Mr Creakle did He had a delight in cutting at the boys which was
like the satisfaction of a craving appetite I am confident that he couldnt
resist a chubby boy especially that there was a fascination in such a subject
which made him restless in his mind until he had scored and marked him for the
day I was chubby myself and ought to know I am sure when I think of the
fellow now my blood rises against him with the disinterested indignation I
should feel if I could have known all about him without having ever been in his
power but it rises hotly because I know him to have been an incapable brute
who had no more right to be possessed of the great trust he held than to be
Lord High Admiral or Commanderinchief in either of which capacities it is
probable that he would have done infinitely less mischief
Miserable little propitiators of a remorseless Idol how abject we were to
him What a launch in life I think it now on looking back to be so mean and
servile to a man of such parts and pretensions
Here I sit at the desk again watching his eye humbly watching his eye as
he rules a ciphering book for another victim whose hands have just been
flattened by that identical ruler and who is trying to wipe the sting out with
a pockethandkerchief I have plenty to do I dont watch his eye in idleness
but because I am morbidly attracted to it in a dread desire to know what he
will do next and whether it will be my turn to suffer or somebody elses A
lane of small boys beyond me with the same interest in his eye watch it too I
think he knows it though he pretends he dont He makes dreadful mouths as he
rules the ciphering book and now he throws his eye sideways down our lane and
we all droop over our books and tremble A moment afterwards we are again eyeing
him An unhappy culprit found guilty of imperfect exercise approaches at his
command The culprit falters excuses and professes a determination to do better
tomorrow Mr Creakle cuts a joke before he beats him and we laugh at it
miserable little dogs we laugh with our visages as white as ashes and our
hearts sinking into our boots
Here I sit at the desk again on a drowsy summer afternoon A buzz and hum
go up around me as if the boys were so many bluebottles A cloggy sensation of
the lukewarm fat of meat is upon me we dined an hour or two ago and my head
is as heavy as so much lead I would give the world to go to sleep I sit with
my eye on Mr Creakle blinking at him like a young owl when sleep overpowers
me for a minute he still looms through my slumber ruling those ciphering
books until he softly comes behind me and wakes me to plainer perception of
him with a red ridge across my back
Here I am in the playground with my eye still fascinated by him though I
cant see him The window at a little distance from which I know he is having
his dinner stands for him and I eye that instead If he shows his face near
it mine assumes an imploring and submissive expression If he looks out through
the glass the boldest boy Steerforth excepted stops in the middle of a shout
or yell and becomes contemplative One day Traddles the most unfortunate boy
in the world breaks that window accidentally with a ball I shudder at this
moment with the tremendous sensation of seeing it done and feeling that the
ball has bounded on to Mr Creakles sacred head
Poor Traddles In a tight skyblue suit that made his arms and legs like
German sausages or rolypoly puddings he was the merriest and most miserable
of all the boys He was always being caned I think he was caned every day that
halfyear except one holiday Monday when he was only rulerd on both hands
and was always going to write to his uncle about it and never did After laying
his head on the desk for a little while he would cheer up somehow begin to
laugh again and draw skeletons all over his slate before his eyes were dry I
used at first to wonder what comfort Traddles found in drawing skeletons and
for some time looked upon him as a sort of hermit who reminded himself by those
symbols of mortality that caning couldnt last for ever But I believe he only
did it because they were easy and didnt want any features
He was very honourable Traddles was and held it as a solemn duty in the
boys to stand by one another. He suffered for this on several occasions and
particularly once when Steerforth laughed in church and the Beadle thought it
was Traddles and took him out I see him now going away in custody despised
by the congregation He never said who was the real offender though he smarted
for it next day and was imprisoned so many hours that he came forth with a
whole churchyardful of skeletons swarming all over his Latin Dictionary But he
had his reward Steerforth said there was nothing of the sneak in Traddles and
we all felt that to be the highest praise For my part I could have gone
through a good deal though I was much less brave than Traddles and nothing
like so old to have won such a recompense
To see Steerforth walk to church before us arminarm with Miss Creakle
was one of the great sights of my life I didnt think Miss Creakle equal to
little Emly in point of beauty and I didnt love her I didnt dare but I
thought her a young lady of extraordinary attractions and in point of gentility
not to be surpassed When Steerforth in white trousers carried her parasol for
her I felt proud to know him and believed that she could not choose but adore
him with all her heart Mr Sharp and Mr Mell were both notable personages in
my eyes but Steerforth was to them what the sun was to two stars
Steerforth continued his protection of me and proved a very useful friend
since nobody dared to annoy one whom he honoured with his countenance He
couldnt or at all events he didnt defend me from Mr Creakle who was very
severe with me but whenever I had been treated worse than usual he always told
me that I wanted a little of his pluck and that he wouldnt have stood it
himself which I felt he intended for encouragement and considered to be very
kind of him There was one advantage and only one that I know of in Mr
Creakles severity He found my placard in his way when he came up or down
behind the form on which I sat and wanted to make a cut at me in passing for
this reason it was soon taken off and I saw it no more
An accidental circumstance cemented the intimacy between Steerforth and me
in a manner that inspired me with great pride and satisfaction though it
sometimes led to inconvenience It happened on one occasion when he was doing
me the honour of talking to me in the playground that I hazarded the
observation that something or somebody I forget what now was like something
or somebody in Peregrine Pickle He said nothing at the time but when I was
going to bed at night asked me if I had got that book
I told him no and explained how it was that I had read it and all those
other books of which I have made mention
»And do you recollect them« Steerforth said
Oh yes I replied I had a good memory and I believed I recollected them
very well
»Then I tell you what young Copperfield« said Steerforth »you shall tell
em to me I cant get to sleep very early at night and I generally wake rather
early in the morning Well go over em one after another Well make some
regular Arabian Nights of it«
I felt extremely flattered by this arrangement and we commenced carrying it
into execution that very evening What ravages I committed on my favourite
authors in the course of my interpretation of them I am not in a condition to
say and should be very unwilling to know but I had a profound faith in them
and I had to the best of my belief a simple earnest manner of narrating what I
did narrate and these qualities went a long way
The drawback was that I was often sleepy at night or out of spirits and
indisposed to resume the story and then it was rather hard work and it must be
done for to disappoint or to displease Steerforth was of course out of the
question In the morning too when I felt weary and should have enjoyed another
hours repose very much it was a tiresome thing to be roused like the Sultana
Scheherazade and forced into a long story before the gettingup bell rang but
Steerforth was resolute and as he explained to me in return my sums and
exercises and anything in my tasks that was too hard for me I was no loser by
the transaction Let me do myself justice however I was moved by no interested
or selfish motive nor was I moved by fear of him I admired and loved him and
his approval was return enough It was so precious to me that I look back on
these trifles now with an aching heart
Steerforth was considerate too and showed his consideration in one
particular instance in an unflinching manner that was a little tantalising I
suspect to poor Traddles and the rest Peggottys promised letter what a
comfortable letter it was arrived before the half was many weeks old and
with it a cake in a perfect nest of oranges and two bottles of cowslip wine
This treasure as in duty bound I laid at the feet of Steerforth and begged
him to dispense
»Now Ill tell you what young Copperfield« said he »the wine shall be
kept to wet your whistle when you are storytelling«
I blushed at the idea and begged him in my modesty not to think of it
But he said he had observed I was sometimes hoarse a little roopy was his
exact expression and it should be every drop devoted to the purpose he had
mentioned Accordingly it was locked up in his box and drawn off by himself in
a phial and administered to me through a piece of quill in the cork when I was
supposed to be in want of a restorative Sometimes to make it a more sovereign
specific he was so kind as to squeeze orange juice into it or to stir it up
with ginger or dissolve a peppermint drop in it and although I cannot assert
that the flavour was improved by these experiments or that it was exactly the
compound one would have chosen for a stomachic the last thing at night and the
first thing in the morning I drank it gratefully and was very sensible of his
attention
We seem to me to have been months over Peregrine and months more over the
other stories The institution never flagged for want of a story I am certain
and the wine lasted out almost as well as the matter Poor Traddles I never
think of that boy but with a strange disposition to laugh and with tears in my
eyes was a sort of chorus in general and affected to be convulsed with mirth
at the comic parts and to be overcome with fear when there was any passage of
an alarming character in the narrative This rather put me out very often It
was a great jest of his I recollect to pretend that he couldnt keep his teeth
from chattering whenever mention was made of an Alguazil in connexion with the
adventures of Gil Blas and I remember that when Gil Blas met the captain of the
robbers in Madrid this unlucky joker counterfeited such an ague of terror that
he was overheard by Mr Creakle who was prowling about the passage and
handsomely flogged for disorderly conduct in the bedroom
Whatever I had within me that was romantic and dreamy was encouraged by so
much storytelling in the dark and in that respect the pursuit may not have
been very profitable to me But the being cherished as a kind of plaything in my
room and the consciousness that this accomplishment of mine was bruited about
among the boys and attracted a good deal of notice to me though I was the
youngest there stimulated me to exertion In a school carried on by sheer
cruelty whether it is presided over by a dunce or not there is not likely to
be much learnt I believe our boys were generally as ignorant a set as any
schoolboys in existence they were too much troubled and knocked about to learn
they could no more do that to advantage than any one can do anything to
advantage in a life of constant misfortune torment and worry But my little
vanity and Steerforths help urged me on somehow and without saving me from
much if anything in the way of punishment made me for the time I was there
an exception to the general body insomuch that I did steadily pick up some
crumbs of knowledge.
In this I was much assisted by Mr Mell who had a liking for me that I am
grateful to remember It always gave me pain to observe that Steerforth treated
him with systematic disparagement and seldom lost an occasion of wounding his
feelings or inducing others to do so This troubled me the more for a long
time because I had soon told Steerforth from whom I could no more keep such a
secret than I could keep a cake or any other tangible possession about the two
old women Mr Mell had taken me to see and I was always afraid that Steerforth
would let it out and twit him with it
We little thought any one of us I dare say when I ate my breakfast that
first morning and went to sleep under the shadow of the peacocks feathers to
the sound of the flute what consequences would come of the introduction into
those almshouses of my insignificant person But the visit had its unforeseen
consequences and of a serious sort too in their way
One day when Mr Creakle kept the house from indisposition which naturally
diffused a lively joy through the school there was a good deal of noise in the
course of the mornings work The great relief and satisfaction experienced by
the boys made them difficult to manage and though the dreaded Tungay brought
his wooden leg in twice or thrice and took notes of the principal offenders
names no great impression was made by it as they were pretty sure of getting
into trouble tomorrow do what they would and thought it wise no doubt to
enjoy themselves today
It was properly a halfholiday being Saturday But as the noise in the
playground would have disturbed Mr Creakle and the weather was not favourable
for going out walking we were ordered into school in the afternoon and set
some lighter tasks than usual which were made for the occasion It was the day
of the week on which Mr Sharp went out to get his wig curled so Mr Mell who
always did the drudgery whatever it was kept school by himself
If I could associate the idea of a bull or a bear with any one so mild as
Mr Mell I should think of him in connexion with that afternoon when the
uproar was at its height as of one of those animals baited by a thousand dogs
I recall him bending his aching head supported on his bony hand over the book
on his desk and wretchedly endeavouring to get on with his tiresome work
amidst an uproar that might have made the Speaker of the House of Commons giddy
Boys started in and out of their places playing at pussinthecorner with
other boys there were laughing boys singing boys talking boys dancing boys
howling boys boys shuffled with their feet boys whirled about him grinning
making faces mimicking him behind his back and before his eyes mimicking his
poverty his boots his coat his mother everything belonging to him that they
should have had consideration for
»Silence« cried Mr Mell suddenly rising up and striking his desk with
the book »What does this mean Its impossible to bear it Its maddening How
can you do it to me boys«
It was my book that he struck his desk with and as I stood beside him
following his eye as it glanced round the room I saw the boys all stop some
suddenly surprised some half afraid and some sorry perhaps
Steerforths place was at the bottom of the school at the opposite end of
the long room He was lounging with his back against the wall and his hands in
his pockets and looked at Mr Mell with his mouth shut up as if he were
whistling when Mr Mell looked at him
»Silence Mr Steerforth« said Mr Mell
»Silence yourself« said Steerforth turning red »Whom are you talking to«
»Sit down« said Mr Mell
»Sit down yourself« said Steerforth »and mind your business«
There was a titter and some applause but Mr Mell was so white that
silence immediately succeeded and one boy who had darted out behind him to
imitate his mother again changed his mind and pretended to want a pen mended
»If you think Steerforth« said Mr Mell »that I am not acquainted with
the power you can establish over any mind here« he laid his hand without
considering what he did as I supposed upon my head »or that I have not
observed you within a few minutes urging your juniors on to every sort of
outrage against me you are mistaken«
»I dont give myself the trouble of thinking at all about you« said
Steerforth coolly »so Im not mistaken as it happens«
»And when you make use of your position of favouritism here sir« pursued
Mr Mell with his lip trembling very much »to insult a gentleman «
»A what where is he« said Steerforth
Here somebody cried out »Shame J Steerforth Too bad« It was Traddles
whom Mr Mell instantly discomfited by bidding him hold his tongue
»To insult one who is not fortunate in life sir and who never gave you
the least offence and the many reasons for not insulting whom you are old
enough and wise enough to understand« said Mr Mell with his lip trembling
more and more »you commit a mean and base action You can sit down or stand up
as you please sir Copperfield go on«
»Young Copperfield« said Steerforth coming forward up the room »stop a
bit I tell you what Mr Mell once for all When you take the liberty of
calling me mean or base or anything of that sort you are an impudent beggar
You are always a beggar you know but when you do that you are an impudent
beggar«
I am not clear whether he was going to strike Mr Mell or Mr Mell was
going to strike him or there was any such intention on either side I saw a
rigidity come upon the whole school as if they had been turned into stone and
found Mr Creakle in the midst of us with Tungay at his side and Mrs and Miss
Creakle looking in at the door as if they were frightened Mr Mell with his
elbows on his desk and his face in his hands sat for some moments quite
still
»Mr Mell« said Mr Creakle shaking him by the arm and his whisper was so
audible now that Tungay felt it unnecessary to repeat his words »you have not
forgotten yourself I hope«
»No sir no« returned the Master showing his face and shaking his head
and rubbing his hands in great agitation »No sir no I have remembered
myself I no Mr Creakle I have not forgotten myself I I have remembered
myself sir I I could wish you had remembered me a little sooner Mr
Creakle It it would have been more kind sir more just sir It would have
saved me something sir«
Mr Creakle looking hard at Mr Mell put his hand on Tungays shoulder
and got his feet upon the form close by and sat upon the desk After still
looking hard at Mr Mell from this throne as he shook his head and rubbed his
hands and remained in the same state of agitation Mr Creakle turned to
Steerforth and said
»Now sir as he dont condescend to tell me what is this«
Steerforth evaded the question for a little while looking in scorn and
anger on his opponent and remaining silent I could not help thinking even in
that interval I remember what a noble fellow he was in appearance and how
homely and plain Mr Mell looked opposed to him
»What did he mean by talking about favourites then« said Steerforth at
length
»Favourites« repeated Mr Creakle with the veins in his forehead swelling
quickly »Who talked about favourites«
»He did« said Steerforth
»And pray what did you mean by that sir« demanded Mr Creakle turning
angrily on his assistant
»I meant Mr Creakle« he returned in a low voice »as I said that no
pupil had a right to avail himself of his position of favouritism to degrade
me«
»To degrade you« said Mr Creakle »My stars But give me leave to ask you
Mr Whatsyourname« and here Mr Creakle folded his arms cane and all upon
his chest and made such a knot of his brows that his little eyes were hardly
visible below them »whether when you talk about favourites you showed proper
respect to me To me sir« said Mr Creakle darting his head at him suddenly
and drawing it back again »the principal of this establishment and your
employer«
»It was not judicious sir I am willing to admit« said Mr Mell »I should
not have done so if I had been cool«
Here Steerforth struck in
»Then he said I was mean and then he said I was base and then I called him
a beggar If I had been cool perhaps I shouldnt have called him a beggar But
I did and I am ready to take the consequences of it«
Without considering perhaps whether there were any consequences to be
taken I felt quite in a glow at this gallant speech It made an impression on
the boys too for there was a low stir among them though no one spoke a word
»I am surprised Steerforth although your candour does you honour« said
Mr Creakle »does you honour certainly I am surprised Steerforth I must
say that you should attach such an epithet to any person employed and paid in
Salem House sir«
Steerforth gave a short laugh
»Thats not an answer sir« said Mr Creakle »to my remark I expect more
than that from you Steerforth«
If Mr Mell looked homely in my eyes before the handsome boy it would be
quite impossible to say how homely Mr Creakle looked
»Let him deny it« said Steerforth
»Deny that he is a beggar Steerforth« cried Mr Creakle »Why where does
he go a begging«
»If he is not a beggar himself his near relations one« said Steerforth
»Its all the same«
He glanced at me and Mr Mells hand gently patted me upon the shoulder I
looked up with a flush upon my face and remorse in my heart but Mr Mells eyes
were fixed on Steerforth He continued to pat me kindly on the shoulder but he
looked at him
»Since you expect me Mr Creakle to justify myself« said Steerforth »and
to say what I mean what I have to say is that his mother lives on charity in
an almshouse«
Mr Mell still looked at him and still patted me kindly on the shoulder
and said to himself in a whisper if I heard right »Yes I thought so«
Mr Creakle turned to his assistant with a severe frown and laboured
politeness
»Now you hear what this gentleman says Mr Mell Have the goodness if you
please to set him right before the assembled school«
»He is right sir without correction« returned Mr Mell in the midst of a
dead silence »what he has said is true«
»Be so good then as declare publicly will you« said Mr Creakle putting
his head on one side and rolling his eyes round the school »whether it ever
came to my knowledge until this moment«
»I believe not directly« he returned
»Why you know not« said Mr Creakle »Dont you man«
»I apprehend you never supposed my worldly circumstances to be very good«
replied the assistant »You know what my position is and always has been here«
»I apprehend if you come to that« said Mr Creakle with his veins
swelling again bigger than ever »that youve been in a wrong position
altogether and mistook this for a charity school Mr Mell well part if you
please The sooner the better«
»There is no time« answered Mr Mell rising »like the present«
»Sir to you« said Mr Creakle
»I take my leave of you Mr Creakle and all of you« said Mr Mell
glancing round the room and again patting me gently on the shoulder »James
Steerforth the best wish I can leave you is that you may come to be ashamed of
what you have done today At present I would prefer to see you anything rather
than a friend to me or to any one in whom I feel an interest«
Once more he laid his hand upon my shoulder and then taking his flute and a
few books from his desk and leaving the key in it for his successor he went
out of the school with his property under his arm Mr Creakle then made a
speech through Tungay in which he thanked Steerforth for asserting though
perhaps too warmly the independence and respectability of Salem House and
which he wound up by shaking hands with Steerforth while we gave three cheers
I did not quite know what for but I supposed for Steerforth and so joined in
them ardently though I felt miserable Mr Creakle then caned Tommy Traddles
for being discovered in tears instead of cheers on account of Mr Mells
departure and went back to his sofa or his bed or wherever he had come from
We were left to ourselves now and looked very blank I recollect on one
another. For myself I felt so much selfreproach and contrition for my part in
what had happened that nothing would have enabled me to keep back my tears but
the fear that Steerforth who often looked at me I saw might think it
unfriendly or I should rather say considering our relative ages and the
feeling with which I regarded him undutiful if I showed the emotion which
distressed me He was very angry with Traddles and said he was glad he had
caught it
Poor Traddles who had passed the stage of lying with his head upon the
desk and was relieving himself as usual with a burst of skeletons said he
didnt care Mr Mell was illused
»Who has illused him you girl« said Steerforth
»Why you have« returned Traddles
»What have I done« said Steerforth
»What have you done« retorted Traddles »Hurt his feelings and lost him his
situation«
»His feelings« repeated Steerforth disdainfully »His feelings will soon
get the better of it Ill be bound His feelings are not like yours Miss
Traddles As to his situation which was a precious one wasnt it do you
suppose I am not going to write home and take care that he gets some money
Polly«
We thought this intention very noble in Steerforth whose mother was a
widow and rich and would do almost anything it was said that he asked her
We were all extremely glad to see Traddles so put down and exalted Steerforth
to the skies especially when he told us as he condescended to do that what he
had done had been done expressly for us and for our cause and that he had
conferred a great boon upon us by unselfishly doing it
But I must say that when I was going on with a story in the dark that night
Mr Mells old flute seemed more than once to sound mournfully in my ears and
that when at last Steerforth was tired and I lay down in my bed I fancied it
playing so sorrowfully somewhere that I was quite wretched
I soon forgot him in the contemplation of Steerforth who in an easy
amateur way and without any book he seemed to me to know everything by heart
took some of his classes until a new master was found The new master came from
a grammarschool and before he entered on his duties dined in the parlour one
day to be introduced to Steerforth Steerforth approved of him highly and told
us he was a Brick Without exactly understanding what learned distinction was
meant by this I respected him greatly for it and had no doubt whatever of his
superior knowledge though he never took the pains with me not that I was
anybody that Mr Mell had taken
There was only one other event in this halfyear out of the daily
schoollife that made an impression upon me which still survives It survives
for many reasons
One afternoon when we were all harassed into a state of dire confusion and
Mr Creakle was laying about him dreadfully Tungay came in and called out in
his usual strong way »Visitors for Copperfield«
A few words were interchanged between him and Mr Creakle as who the
visitors were and what room they were to be shown into and then I who had
according to custom stood up on the announcement being made and felt quite
faint with astonishment was told to go by the back stairs and get a clean frill
on before I repaired to the diningroom These orders I obeyed in such a
flutter and hurry of my young spirits as I had never known before and when I
got to the parlourdoor and the thought came into my head that it might be my
mother I had only thought of Mr or Miss Murdstone until then I drew back my
hand from the lock and stopped to have a sob before I went in
At first I saw nobody but feeling a pressure against the door I looked
round it and there to my amazement were Mr Peggotty and Ham ducking at me
with their hats and squeezing one another against the wall I could not help
laughing but it was much more in the pleasure of seeing them than at the
appearance they made We shook hands in a very cordial way and I laughed and
laughed until I pulled out my pockethandkerchief and wiped my eyes
Mr Peggotty who never shut his mouth once I remember during the visit
showed great concern when he saw me do this and nudged Ham to say something
»Cheer up Masr Davy bor« said Ham in his simpering way »Why how you
have growed«
»Am I grown« I said drying my eyes I was not crying at anything
particular that I know of but somehow it made me cry to see old friends
»Growed Masr Davy bor Aint he growed« said Ham
»Aint he growed« said Mr Peggotty
They made me laugh again by laughing at each other and then we all three
laughed until I was in danger of crying again
»Do you know how mama is Mr Peggotty« I said »And how my dear dear old
Peggotty is«
»Oncommon« said Mr Peggotty
»And little Emly and Mrs Gummidge«
»On common« said Mr Peggotty
There was a silence Mr Peggotty to relieve it took two prodigious
lobsters and an enormous crab and a large canvas bag of shrimps out of his
pockets and piled them up in Hams arms
»You see« said Mr Peggotty »knowing as you was partial to a little relish
with your wittles when you was along with us we took the liberty The old
Mawther biled em she did Mrs Gummidge biled em Yes« said Mr Peggotty
slowly who I thought appeared to stick to the subject on account of having no
other subject ready »Mrs Gummidge I do assure you she biled em«
I expressed my thanks Mr Peggotty after looking at Ham who stood smiling
sheepishly over the shellfish without making any attempt to help him said
»We come you see the wind and tide making in our favour in one of our
Yarmouth lugs to Gravesen My sister she wrote to me the name of this here
place and wrote to me as if ever I chanced to come to Gravesen I was to come
over and inquire for Masr Davy and give her dooty humbly wishing him well
and reporting of the famly as they was oncommon toebesure Little Emly you
see shell write to my sister when I go back as I see you and as you was
similarly oncommon and so we make it quite a merrygorounder«
I was obliged to consider a little before I understood what Mr Peggotty
meant by this figure expressive of a complete circle of intelligence I then
thanked him heartily and said with a consciousness of reddening that I
supposed little Emly was altered too since we used to pick up shells and
pebbles on the beach
»Shes getting to be a woman thats wot shes getting to be« said Mr
Peggotty »Ask him«
He meant Ham who beamed with delight and assent over the bag of shrimps
»Her pretty face« said Mr Peggotty with his own shining like a light
»Her learning« said Ham
»Her writing« said Mr Peggotty »Why its as black as jet And so large it
is you might see it anywheres«
It was perfectly delightful to behold with what enthusiasm Mr Peggotty
became inspired when he thought of his little favourite He stands before me
again his bluff hairy face irradiating with a joyful love and pride for which I
can find no description His honest eyes fire up and sparkle as if their
depths were stirred by something bright His broad chest heaves with pleasure
His strong loose hands clench themselves in his earnestness and he emphasises
what he says with a right arm that shows in my pigmy view like a
sledgehammer
Ham was quite as earnest as he I dare say they would have said much more
about her if they had not been abashed by the unexpected coming in of
Steerforth who seeing me in a corner speaking with two strangers stopped in a
song he was singing and said »I didnt know you were here young Copperfield«
for it was not the usual visiting room and crossed by us on his way out
I am not sure whether it was in the pride of having such a friend as
Steerforth or in the desire to explain to him how I came to have such a friend
as Mr Peggotty that I called to him as he was going away But I said modestly
Good Heaven how it all comes back to me this long time afterwards
»Dont go Steerforth if you please These are two Yarmouth boatmen very
kind good people who are relations of my nurse and have come from Gravesend
to see me«
»Aye aye« said Steerforth returning »I am glad to see them How are you
both«
There was an ease in his manner a gay and light manner it was but not
swaggering which I still believe to have borne a kind of enchantment with it
I still believe him in virtue of this carriage his animal spirits his
delightful voice his handsome face and figure and for aught I know of some
inborn power of attraction besides which I think a few people possess to have
carried a spell with him to which it was a natural weakness to yield and which
not many persons could withstand I could not but see how pleased they were with
him and how they seemed to open their hearts to him in a moment
»You must let them know at home if you please Mr Peggotty« I said »when
that letter is sent that Mr Steerforth is very kind to me and that I dont
know what I should ever do here without him«
»Nonsense« said Steerforth laughing »You mustnt tell them anything of
the kind«
»And if Mr Steerforth ever comes into Norfolk or Suffolk Mr Peggotty« I
said »while I am there you may depend upon it I shall bring him to Yarmouth
if he will let me to see your house You never saw such a good house
Steerforth Its made out of a boat«
»Made out of a boat is it« said Steerforth »Its the right sort of house
for such a thoroughbuilt boatman«
»So tis sir so tis sir« said Ham grinning »Youre right young
genlmn Masr Davy bor genlmns right A thoroughbuilt boatman Hor
hor Thats what he is too«
Mr Peggotty was no less pleased than his nephew though his modesty forbade
him to claim a personal compliment so vociferously
»Well sir« he said bowing and chuckling and tucking in the ends of his
neckerchief at his breast »I thankee sir I thankee I do my endeavours in my
line of life sir«
»The best of men can do no more Mr Peggotty« said Steerforth He had got
his name already
»Ill pound it its wot you do yourself sir« said Mr Peggotty shaking
his head »and wot you do well right well I thankee sir Im obleeged to
you sir for your welcoming manner of me Im rough sir but Im ready least
ways I hope Im ready you understand My house aint much for to see sir but
its hearty at your service if ever you should come along with Masr Davy to see
it Im a reglar Dodman I am« said Mr Peggotty by which he meant snail and
this was in allusion to his being slow to go for he had attempted to go after
every sentence and had somehow or other come back again »but I wish you both
well and I wish you happy«
Ham echoed this sentiment and we parted with them in the heartiest manner
I was almost tempted that evening to tell Steerforth about pretty little Emly
but I was too timid of mentioning her name and too much afraid of his laughing
at me I remember that I thought a good deal and in an uneasy sort of way
about Mr Peggotty having said that she was getting on to be a woman but I
decided that was nonsense
We transported the shellfish or the relish as Mr Peggotty had modestly
called it up into our room unobserved and made a great supper that evening
But Traddles couldnt get happily out of it He was too unfortunate even to come
through a supper like anybody else He was taken ill in the night quite
prostrate he was in consequence of Crab and after being drugged with black
draughts and blue pills to an extent which Demple whose father was a doctor
said was enough to undermine a horses constitution received a caning and six
chapters of Greek Testament for refusing to confess
The rest of the halfyear is a jumble in my recollection of the daily strife
and struggle of our lives of the waning summer and the changing season of the
frosty mornings when we were rung out of bed and the cold cold smell of the
dark nights when we were rung into bed of the evening schoolroom dimly lighted
and indifferently warmed and the morning schoolroom which was nothing but a
great shiveringmachine of the alternation of boiled beef with roast beef and
boiled mutton with roast mutton of clods of breadandbutter dogseared
lessonbooks cracked slates tearblotted copybooks canings rulerings
haircuttings rainy Sundays suetpuddings and a dirty atmosphere of ink
surrounding all
I well remember though how the distant idea of the holidays after seeming
for an immense time to be a stationary speck began to come towards us and to
grow and grow How from counting months we came to weeks and then to days and
how I then began to be afraid that I should not be sent for and when I learnt
from Steerforth that I had been sent for and was certainly to go home had dim
forebodings that I might break my leg first How the breakingup day changed its
place fast at last from the week after next to next week this week the day
after tomorrow tomorrow today tonight when I was inside the Yarmouth
mail and going home
I had many a broken sleep inside the Yarmouth mail and many an incoherent
dream of all these things But when I awoke at intervals the ground outside the
window was not the playground of Salem House and the sound in my ears was not
the sound of Mr Creakle giving it to Traddles but was the sound of the
coachman touching up the horses
Chapter VIII
My Holidays Especially One Happy Afternoon
When we arrived before day at the inn where the mail stopped which was not the
inn where my friend the waiter lived I was shown up to a nice little bedroom
with DOLPHIN painted on the door Very cold I was I know notwithstanding the
hot tea they had given me before a large fire downstairs and very glad I was
to turn into the Dolphins bed pull the Dolphins blankets round my head and
go to sleep
Mr Barkis the carrier was to call for me in the morning at nine oclock I
got up at eight a little giddy from the shortness of my nights rest and was
ready for him before the appointed time He received me exactly as if not five
minutes had elapsed since we were last together and I had only been into the
hotel to get change for sixpence or something of that sort
As soon as I and my box were in the cart and the carrier was seated the
lazy horse walked away with us all at his accustomed pace
»You look very well Mr Barkis« I said thinking he would like to know it
Mr Barkis rubbed his cheek with his cuff and then looked at his cuff as if
he expected to find some of the bloom upon it but made no other acknowledgment
of the compliment
»I gave your message Mr Barkis« I said »I wrote to Peggotty«
»Ah« said Mr Barkis
Mr Barkis seemed gruff and answered drily
»Wasnt it right Mr Barkis« I asked after a little hesitation
»Why no« said Mr Barkis
»Not the message«
»The message was right enough perhaps« said Mr Barkis »but it come to an
end there«
Not understanding what he meant I repeated inquisitively »Came to an end
Mr Barkis«
»Nothing come of it« he explained looking at me sideways »No answer«
»There was an answer expected was there Mr Barkis« said I opening my
eyes For this was a new light to me
»When a man says hes willin« said Mr Barkis turning his glance slowly
on me again »its as much as to say that mans a waitin for a answer«
»Well Mr Barkis«
»Well« said Mr Barkis carrying his eyes back to his horses ears »that
mans been a waitin for a answer ever since«
»Have you told her so Mr Barkis«
»N no« growled Mr Barkis reflecting about it »I aint got no call to
go and tell her so I never said six words to her myself I aint a goin to
tell her so«
»Would you like me to do it Mr Barkis« said I doubtfully
»You might tell her if you would« said Mr Barkis with another slow look
at me »that Barkis was a waitin for a answer Says you what name is it«
»Her name«
»Ah« said Mr Barkis with a nod of his head
»Peggotty«
»Chrisen name Or natral name« said Mr Barkis
»Oh its not her christian name Her christian name is Clara«
»Is it though« said Mr Barkis
He seemed to find an immense fund of reflection in this circumstance and
sat pondering and inwardly whistling for some time
»Well« he resumed at length »Says you Peggotty Barkis is a waitin for a
answer Says she perhaps Answer to what Says you To what I told you What is
that says she Barkis is willin says you«
This extremely artful suggestion Mr Barkis accompanied with a nudge of his
elbow that gave me quite a stitch in my side After that he slouched over his
horse in his usual manner and made no other reference to the subject except
half an hour afterwards taking a piece of chalk from his pocket and writing
up inside the tilt of the cart »Clara Peggotty« apparently as a private
memorandum
Ah what a strange feeling it was to be going home when it was not home and
to find that every object I looked at reminded me of the happy old home which
was like a dream I could never dream again The days when my mother and I and
Peggotty were all in all to one another, and there was no one to come between
us rose up before me so sorrowfully on the road that I am not sure I was glad
to be there not sure but that I would rather have remained away and forgotten
it in Steerforths company But there I was and soon I was at our house where
the bare old elm trees wrung their many hands in the bleak wintry air and
shreds of the old rooks nests drifted away upon the wind
The carrier put my box down at the gardengate and left me I walked along
the path towards the house glancing at the windows and fearing at every step
to see Mr Murdstone or Miss Murdstone lowering out of one of them No face
appeared however and being come to the house and knowing how to open the
door before dark without knocking I went in with a quiet timid step
God knows how infantine the memory may have been that was awakened within
me by the sound of my mothers voice in the old parlour when I set foot in the
hall She was singing in a low tone I think I must have lain in her arms and
heard her singing so to me when I was but a baby The strain was new to me and
yet it was so old that it filled my heart brimful like a friend come back from
a long absence
I believed from the solitary and thoughtful way in which my mother murmured
her song that she was alone And I went softly into the room She was sitting
by the fire suckling an infant whose tiny hand she held against her neck Her
eyes were looking down upon its face and she sat singing to it I was so far
right that she had no other companion
I spoke to her and she started and cried out But seeing me she called me
her dear Davy her own boy and coming half across the room to meet me kneeled
down upon the ground and kissed me and laid my head down on her bosom near the
little creature that was nestling there and put its hand up to my lips
I wish I had died I wish I had died then with that feeling in my heart I
should have been more fit for Heaven than I ever have been since
»He is your brother« said my mother fondling me »Davy my pretty boy My
poor child« Then she kissed me more and more and clasped me round the neck
This she was doing when Peggotty came running in and bounced down on the ground
beside us and went mad about us both for a quarter of an hour
It seemed that I had not been expected so soon the carrier being much
before his usual time It seemed too that Mr and Miss Murdstone had gone out
upon a visit in the neighbourhood and would not return before night I had
never hoped for this I had never thought it possible that we three could be
together undisturbed once more and I felt for the time as if the old days
were come back
We dined together by the fireside Peggotty was in attendance to wait upon
us but my mother wouldnt let her do it and made her dine with us I had my
own old plate with a brown view of a manofwar in full sail upon it which
Peggotty had hoarded somewhere all the time I had been away and would not have
had broken she said for a hundred pounds I had my own old mug with David on
it and my own old little knife and fork that wouldnt cut
While we were at table I thought it a favourable occasion to tell Peggotty
about Mr Barkis who before I had finished what I had to tell her began to
laugh and throw her apron over her face
»Peggotty« said my mother »Whats the matter«
Peggotty only laughed the more and held her apron tight over her face when
my mother tried to pull it away and sat as if her head were in a bag
»What are you doing you stupid creature« said my mother laughing
»Oh drat the man« cried Peggotty »He wants to marry me«
»It would be a very good match for you wouldnt it« said my mother
»Oh I dont know« said Peggotty »Dont ask me I wouldnt have him if he
was made of gold Nor I wouldnt have anybody«
»Then why dont you tell him so you ridiculous thing« said my mother
»Tell him so« retorted Peggotty looking out of her apron »He has never
said a word to me about it He knows better If he was to make so bold as say a
word to me I should slap his face«
Her own was as red as ever I saw it or any other face I think but she
only covered it again for a few moments at a time when she was taken with a
violent fit of laughter and after two or three of those attacks went on with
her dinner
I remarked that my mother though she smiled when Peggotty looked at her
became more serious and thoughtful I had seen at first that she was changed
Her face was very pretty still but it looked careworn and too delicate and
her hand was so thin and white that it seemed to me to be almost transparent
But the change to which I now refer was superadded to this it was in her
manner which became anxious and fluttered At last she said putting out her
hand and laying it affectionately on the hand of her old servant
»Peggotty dear you are not going to be married«
»Me maam« returned Peggotty staring »Lord bless you no«
»Not just yet« said my mother tenderly
»Never« cried Peggotty
My mother took her hand and said
»Dont leave me Peggotty Stay with me It will not be for long perhaps
What should I ever do without you«
»Me leave you my precious« cried Peggotty »Not for all the world and his
wife Why whats put that in your silly little head« For Peggotty had been
used of old to talk to my mother sometimes like a child
But my mother made no answer except to thank her and Peggotty went running
on in her own fashion
»Me leave you I think I see myself Peggotty go away from you I should
like to catch her at it No no no« said Peggotty shaking her head and
folding her arms »not she my dear It isnt that there aint some Cats that
would be well enough pleased if she did but they shant be pleased They shall
be aggravated Ill stay with you till I am a cross cranky old woman And when
Im too deaf and too lame and too blind and too mumbly for want of teeth to
be of any use at all even to be found fault with then I shall go to my Davy
and ask him to take me in«
»And Peggotty« says I »I shall be glad to see you and Ill make you as
welcome as a queen«
»Bless your dear heart« cried Peggotty »I know you will« And she kissed
me beforehand in grateful acknowledgment of my hospitality After that she
covered her head up with her apron again and had another laugh about Mr
Barkis After that she took the baby out of its little cradle and nursed it
After that she cleared the dinnertable after that came in with another cap
on and her workbox and the yardmeasure and the bit of waxcandle all just
the same as ever
We sat round the fire and talked delightfully I told them what a hard
master Mr Creakle was and they pitied me very much I told them what a fine
fellow Steerforth was and what a patron of mine and Peggotty said she would
walk a score of miles to see him I took the little baby in my arms when it was
awake and nursed it lovingly When it was asleep again I crept close to my
mothers side according to my old custom broken now a long time and sat with
my arms embracing her waist and my little red cheek on her shoulder and once
more felt her beautiful hair drooping over me like an angels wing as I used
to think I recollect and was very happy indeed
While I sat thus looking at the fire and seeing pictures in the redhot
coals I almost believed that I had never been away that Mr and Miss Murdstone
were such pictures and would vanish when the fire got low and that there was
nothing real in all that I remembered save my mother Peggotty and I
Peggotty darned away at a stocking as long as she could see and then sat
with it drawn on her left hand like a glove and her needle in her right ready
to take another stitch whenever there was a blaze I cannot conceive whose
stockings they can have been that Peggotty was always darning or where such an
unfailing supply of stockings in want of darning can have come from From my
earliest infancy she seems to have been always employed in that class of
needlework and never by any chance in any other
»I wonder« said Peggotty who was sometimes seized with a fit of wondering
on some most unexpected topic »whats become of Davys greataunt«
»Lor Peggotty« observed my mother rousing herself from a reverie »what
nonsense you talk«
»Well but I really do wonder maam« said Peggotty
»What can have put such a person in your head« inquired my mother »Is
there nobody else in the world to come there«
»I dont know how it is« said Peggotty »unless its on account of being
stupid but my head never can pick and choose its people They come and they go
and they dont come and they dont go just as they like I wonder whats become
of her«
»How absurd you are Peggotty« returned my mother »One would suppose you
wanted a second visit from her«
»Lord forbid« cried Peggotty
»Well then dont talk about such uncomfortable things theres a good
soul« said my mother »Miss Betsey is shut up in her cottage by the sea no
doubt and will remain there At all events she is not likely ever to trouble
us again«
»No« mused Peggotty »No that aint likely at all I wonder if she was
to die whether shed leave Davy anything«
»Good gracious me Peggotty« returned my mother »what a nonsensical woman
you are when you know that she took offence at the poor dear boys ever being
born at all«
»I suppose she wouldnt be inclined to forgive him now« hinted Peggotty
»Why should she be inclined to forgive him now« said my mother rather
sharply
»Now that hes got a brother I mean« said Peggotty
My mother immediately began to cry and wondered how Peggotty dared to say
such a thing
»As if this poor little innocent in its cradle had ever done any harm to you
or anybody else you jealous thing« said she »You had much better go and marry
Mr Barkis the carrier Why dont you«
»I should make Miss Murdstone happy if I was to« said Peggotty
»What a bad disposition you have Peggotty« returned my mother »You are as
jealous of Miss Murdstone as it is possible for a ridiculous creature to be You
want to keep the keys yourself and give out all the things I suppose I
shouldnt be surprised if you did When you know that she only does it out of
kindness and the best intentions You know she does Peggotty you know it
well«
Peggotty muttered something to the effect of »Bother the best intentions«
and something else to the effect that there was a little too much of the best
intentions going on
»I know what you mean you cross thing« said my mother »I understand you
Peggotty perfectly You know I do and I wonder you dont colour up like fire
But one point at a time Miss Murdstone is the point now Peggotty and you
shant escape from it Havent you heard her say over and over again that she
thinks I am too thoughtless and too a a «
»Pretty« suggested Peggotty
»Well« returned my mother half laughing »and if she is so silly as to say
so can I be blamed for it«
»No one says you can« said Peggotty
»No I should hope not indeed« returned my mother »Havent you heard her
say over and over again that on this account she wishes to spare me a great
deal of trouble which she thinks I am not suited for and which I really dont
know myself that I am suited for and isnt she up early and late and going to
and fro continually and doesnt she do all sorts of things and grope into all
sorts of places coalholes and pantries and I dont know where that cant be
very agreeable and do you mean to insinuate that there is not a sort of
devotion in that«
»I dont insinuate at all« said Peggotty
»You do Peggotty« returned my mother »You never do anything else except
your work You are always insinuating You revel in it And when you talk of Mr
Murdstones good intentions «
»I never talked of em« said Peggotty
»No Peggotty« returned my mother »but you insinuated Thats what I told
you just now Thats the worst of you You will insinuate I said at the
moment that I understood you and you see I did When you talk of Mr
Murdstones good intentions and pretend to slight them for I dont believe you
really do in your heart Peggotty you must be as well convinced as I am how
good they are and how they actuate him in everything If he seems to have been
at all stern with a certain person Peggotty you understand and so I am sure
does Davy that I am not alluding to anybody present it is solely because he
is satisfied that it is for a certain persons benefit He naturally loves a
certain person on my account and acts solely for a certain persons good He
is better able to judge of it than I am for I very well know that I am a weak
light girlish creature and that he is a firm grave serious man And he
takes« said my mother with the tears which were engendered in her affectionate
nature stealing down her face »he takes great pains with me and I ought to be
very thankful to him and very submissive to him even in my thoughts and when I
am not Peggotty I worry and condemn myself and feel doubtful of my own heart
and dont know what to do«
Peggotty sat with her chin on the foot of the stocking looking silently at
the fire
»There Peggotty« said my mother changing her tone »dont let us fall out
with one another, for I couldnt bear it You are my true friend I know if I
have any in the world When I call you a ridiculous creature or a vexatious
thing or anything of that sort Peggotty I only mean that you are my true
friend and always have been ever since the night when Mr Copperfield first
brought me home here and you came out to the gate to meet me«
Peggotty was not slow to respond and ratify the treaty of friendship by
giving me one of her best hugs I think I had some glimpses of the real
character of this conversation at the time but I am sure now that the good
creature originated it and took her part in it merely that my mother might
comfort herself with the little contradictory summary in which she had indulged
The design was efficacious for I remember that my mother seemed more at ease
during the rest of the evening and that Peggotty observed her less
When we had had our tea and the ashes were thrown up and the candles
snuffed I read Peggotty a chapter out of the Crocodile Book in remembrance of
old times she took it out of her pocket I dont know whether she had kept it
there ever since and then we talked about Salem House which brought me round
again to Steerforth who was my great subject We were very happy and that
evening as the last of its race and destined evermore to close that volume of
my life will never pass out of my memory
It was almost ten oclock before we heard the sound of wheels We all got up
then and my mother said hurriedly that as it was so late and Mr and Miss
Murdstone approved of early hours for young people perhaps I had better go to
bed I kissed her and went upstairs with my candle directly before they came
in It appeared to my childish fancy as I ascended to the bedroom where I had
been imprisoned that they brought a cold blast of air into the house which blew
away the old familiar feeling like a feather
I felt uncomfortable about going down to breakfast in the morning as I had
never set eyes on Mr Murdstone since the day when I committed my memorable
offence However as it must be done I went down after two or three false
starts halfway and as many runs back on tiptoe to my own room and presented
myself in the parlour
He was standing before the fire with his back to it while Miss Murdstone
made the tea He looked at me steadily as I entered but made no sign of
recognition whatever
I went up to him after a moment of confusion and said »I beg your pardon
sir I am very sorry for what I did and I hope you will forgive me«
»I am glad to hear you are sorry David« he replied
The hand he gave me was the hand I had bitten I could not restrain my eye
from resting for an instant on a red spot upon it but it was not so red as I
turned when I met that sinister expression in his face
»How do you do maam« I said to Miss Murdstone
»Ah dear me« sighed Miss Murdstone giving me the teacaddy scoop instead
of her fingers »How long are the holidays«
»A month maam«
»Counting from when«
»From today maam«
»Oh« said Miss Murdstone »Then heres one day off«
She kept a calendar of the holidays in this way and every morning checked a
day off in exactly the same manner She did it gloomily until she came to ten
but when she got into two figures she became more hopeful and as the time
advanced even jocular
It was on this very first day that I had the misfortune to throw her though
she was not subject to such weakness in general into a state of violent
consternation I came into the room where she and my mother were sitting and
the baby who was only a few weeks old being on my mothers lap I took it very
carefully in my arms Suddenly Miss Murdstone gave such a scream that I all but
dropped it
»My dear Jane« cried my mother
»Good heavens Clara do you see« exclaimed Miss Murdstone
»See what my dear Jane« said my mother »where«
»Hes got it« cried Miss Murdstone »The boy has got the baby«
She was limp with horror but stiffened herself to make a dart at me and
take it out of my arms Then she turned faint and was so very ill that they
were obliged to give her cherrybrandy I was solemnly interdicted by her on
her recovery from touching my brother any more on any pretence whatever and my
poor mother who I could see wished otherwise meekly confirmed the interdict
by saying »No doubt you are right my dear Jane«
On another occasion when we three were together this same dear baby it
was truly dear to me for our mothers sake was the innocent occasion of Miss
Murdstones going into a passion My mother who had been looking at its eyes as
it lay upon her lap said
»Davy come here« and looked at mine
I saw Miss Murdstone lay her beads down
»I declare« said my mother gently »they are exactly alike I suppose they
are mine I think they are the colour of mine But they are wonderfully alike«
»What are you talking about Clara« said Miss Murdstone
»My dear Jane« faltered my mother a little abashed by the harsh tone of
this inquiry »I find that the babys eyes and Davys are exactly alike«
»Clara« said Miss Murdstone rising angrily »you are a positive fool
sometimes«
»My dear Jane« remonstrated my mother
»A positive fool« said Miss Murdstone »Who else could compare my brothers
baby with your boy They are not at all alike They are exactly unlike They are
utterly dissimilar in all respects I hope they will ever remain so I will not
sit here and hear such comparisons made« With that she stalked out and made
the door bang after her
In short I was not a favourite with Miss Murdstone In short I was not a
favourite there with anybody not even with myself for those who did like me
could not show it and those who did not showed it so plainly that I had a
sensitive consciousness of always appearing constrained boorish and dull
I felt that I made them as uncomfortable as they made me If I came into the
room where they were and they were talking together and my mother seemed
cheerful an anxious cloud would steal over her face from the moment of my
entrance If Mr Murdstone were in his best humour I checked him If Miss
Murdstone were in her worst I intensified it I had perception enough to know
that my mother was the victim always that she was afraid to speak to me or be
kind to me lest she should give them some offence by her manner of doing so
and receive a lecture afterwards that she was not only ceaselessly afraid of
her own offending but of my offending and uneasily watched their looks if I
only moved Therefore I resolved to keep myself as much out of their way as I
could and many a wintry hour did I hear the churchclock strike when I was
sitting in my cheerless bedroom wrapped in my little greatcoat poring over a
book
In the evening sometimes I went and sat with Peggotty in the kitchen
There I was comfortable and not afraid of being myself But neither of these
resources was approved of in the parlour The tormenting humour which was
dominant there stopped them both I was still held to be necessary to my poor
mothers training and as one of her trials could not be suffered to absent
myself
»David« said Mr Murdstone one day after dinner when I was going to leave
the room as usual »I am sorry to observe that you are of a sullen disposition«
»As sulky as a bear« said Miss Murdstone
I stood still and hung my head
»Now David« said Mr Murdstone »a sullen obdurate disposition is of all
tempers the worst«
»And the boys is of all such dispositions that ever I have seen« remarked
his sister »the most confirmed and stubborn I think my dear Clara even you
must observe it«
»I beg your pardon my dear Jane« said my mother »but are you quite sure
I am certain youll excuse me my dear Jane that you understand Davy«
»I should be somewhat ashamed of myself Clara« returned Miss Murdstone
»if I could not understand the boy or any boy I dont profess to be profound
but I do lay claim to common sense«
»No doubt my dear Jane« returned my mother »your understanding is very
vigorous«
»Oh dear no Pray dont say that Clara« interposed Miss Murdstone
angrily
»But I am sure it is« resumed my mother »and everybody knows it is I
profit so much by it myself in many ways at least I ought to that no one
can be more convinced of it than myself and therefore I speak with great
diffidence my dear Jane I assure you«
»Well say I dont understand the boy Clara« returned Miss Murdstone
arranging the little fetters on her wrists »Well agree if you please that I
dont understand him at all He is much too deep for me But perhaps my
brothers penetration may enable him to have some insight into his character
And I believe my brother was speaking on the subject when we not very decently
interrupted him«
»I think Clara« said Mr Murdstone in a low grave voice »that there may
be better and more dispassionate judges of such a question than you«
»Edward« replied my mother timidly »you are a far better judge of all
questions than I pretend to be Both you and Jane are I only said «
»You only said something weak and inconsiderate« he replied »Try not to do
it again my dear Clara and keep a watch upon yourself«
My mothers lips moved as if she answered »Yes my dear Edward« but she
said nothing aloud
»I was sorry David I remarked« said Mr Murdstone turning his head and
his eyes stiffly towards me »to observe that you are of a sullen disposition
This is not a character that I can suffer to develope itself beneath my eyes
without an effort at improvement You must endeavour sir to change it We must
endeavour to change it for you«
»I beg your pardon sir« I faltered »I have never meant to be sullen since
I came back«
»Dont take refuge in a lie sir« he returned so fiercely that I saw my
mother involuntarily put out her trembling hand as if to interpose between us
»You have withdrawn yourself in your sullenness to your own room You have kept
your own room when you ought to have been here You know now once for all that
I require you to be here and not there Further that I require you to bring
obedience here You know me David I will have it done«
Miss Murdstone gave a hoarse chuckle
»I will have a respectful prompt and ready bearing towards myself« he
continued »and towards Jane Murdstone and towards your mother I will not have
this room shunned as if it were infected at the pleasure of a child Sit down«
He ordered me like a dog and I obeyed like a dog
»One thing more« he said »I observe that you have an attachment to low and
common company You are not to associate with servants The kitchen will not
improve you in the many respects in which you need improvement Of the woman
who abets you I say nothing since you Clara« addressing my mother in a
lower voice »from old associations and longestablished fancies have a
weakness respecting her which is not yet overcome«
»A most unaccountable delusion it is« cried Miss Murdstone
»I only say« he resumed addressing me »that I disapprove of your
preferring such company as Mistress Peggotty and that it is to be abandoned
Now David you understand me and you know what will be the consequence if you
fail to obey me to the letter«
I knew well better perhaps than he thought as far as my poor mother was
concerned and I obeyed him to the letter I retreated to my own room no more
I took refuge with Peggotty no more but sat wearily in the parlour day after
day looking forward to night and bedtime
What irksome constraint I underwent sitting in the same attitude hours upon
hours afraid to move an arm or a leg lest Miss Murdstone should complain as
she did on the least pretence of my restlessness and afraid to move an eye
lest she should light on some look of dislike or scrutiny that would find new
cause for complaint in mine What intolerable dulness to sit listening to the
ticking of the clock and watching Miss Murdstones little shiny steel beads as
she strung them and wondering whether she would ever be married and if so to
what sort of unhappy man and counting the divisions in the moulding on the
chimneypiece and wandering away with my eyes to the ceiling among the curls
and corkscrews in the paper on the wall
What walks I took alone down muddy lanes in the bad winter weather
carrying that parlour and Mr and Miss Murdstone in it everywhere a monstrous
load that I was obliged to bear a daymare that there was no possibility of
breaking in a weight that brooded on my wits and blunted them
What meals I had in silence and embarrassment always feeling that there
were a knife and fork too many and those mine an appetite too many and that
mine a plate and chair too many and those mine a somebody too many and that
I
What evenings when the candles came and I was expected to employ myself
but not daring to read an entertaining book pored over some hardheaded
harderhearted treatise on arithmetic when the tables of weights and measures
set themselves to tunes as Rule Britannia or Away with Melancholy when they
wouldnt stand still to be learnt but would go threading my grandmothers
needle through my unfortunate head in at one ear and out at the other
What yawns and dozes I lapsed into in spite of all my care what starts I
came out of concealed sleeps with what answers I never got to little
observations that I rarely made what a blank space I seemed which everybody
overlooked and yet was in everybodys way what a heavy relief it was to hear
Miss Murdstone hail the first stroke of nine at night and order me to bed
Thus the holidays lagged away until the morning came when Miss Murdstone
said »Heres the last day off« and gave me the closing cup of tea of the
vacation
I was not sorry to go I had lapsed into a stupid state but I was
recovering a little and looking forward to Steerforth albeit Mr Creakle loomed
behind him Again Mr Barkis appeared at the gate and again Miss Murdstone in
her warning voice said »Clara« when my mother bent over me to bid me
farewell
I kissed her and my baby brother and was very sorry then but not sorry to
go away for the gulf between us was there and the parting was there every
day And it is not so much the embrace she gave me that lives in my mind
though it was as fervent as could be as what followed the embrace
I was in the carriers cart when I heard her calling to me I looked out
and she stood at the gardengate alone holding her baby up in her arms for me
to see It was cold still weather and not a hair of her head nor a fold of her
dress was stirred as she looked intently at me holding up her child
So I lost her So I saw her afterwards in my sleep at school a silent
presence near my bed looking at me with the same intent face holding up her
baby in her arms
Chapter IX
I Have a Memorable Birthday
I pass over all that happened at school until the anniversary of my birthday
came round in March Except that Steerforth was more to be admired than ever I
remember nothing He was going away at the end of the halfyear if not sooner
and was more spirited and independent than before in my eyes and therefore more
engaging than before but beyond this I remember nothing The great remembrance
by which that time is marked in my mind seems to have swallowed up all lesser
recollections and to exist alone
It is even difficult for me to believe that there was a gap of full two
months between my return to Salem House and the arrival of that birthday I can
only understand that the fact was so because I know it must have been so
otherwise I should feel convinced that there was no interval and that the one
occasion trod upon the others heels
How well I recollect the kind of day it was I smell the fog that hung about
the place I see the hoar frost ghostly through it I feel my rimy hair fall
clammy on my cheek I look along the dim perspective of the schoolroom with a
sputtering candle here and there to light up the foggy morning and the breath
of the boys wreathing and smoking in the raw cold as they blow upon their
fingers and tap their feet upon the floor
It was after breakfast and we had been summoned in from the playground
when Mr Sharp entered and said
»David Copperfield is to go into the parlour«
I expected a hamper from Peggotty and brightened at the order Some of the
boys about me put in their claim not to be forgotten in the distribution of the
good things as I got out of my seat with great alacrity
»Dont hurry David« said Mr Sharp »Theres time enough my boy dont
hurry«
I might have been surprised by the feeling tone in which be spoke if I had
given it a thought but I gave it none until afterwards I hurried away to the
parlour and there I found Mr Creakle sitting at his breakfast with the cane
and a newspaper before him and Mrs Creakle with an opened letter in her hand
But no hamper
»David Copperfield« said Mrs Creakle leading me to a sofa and sitting
down beside me »I want to speak to you very particularly I have something to
tell you my child«
Mr Creakle at whom of course I looked shook his head without looking at
me and stopped up a sigh with a very large piece of buttered toast
»You are too young to know how the world changes every day« said Mrs
Creakle »and how the people in it pass away But we all have to learn it
David some of us when we are young some of us when we are old some of us at
all times of our lives«
I looked at her earnestly
»When you came away from home at the end of the vacation« said Mrs
Creakle after a pause »were they all well« After another pause »Was your
mama well«
I trembled without distinctly knowing why and still looked at her
earnestly making no attempt to answer
»Because« said she »I grieve to tell you that I hear this morning your
mama is very ill«
A mist rose between Mrs Creakle and me and her figure seemed to move in it
for an instant Then I felt the burning tears run down my face and it was
steady again
»She is very dangerously ill« she added
I knew all now
»She is dead«
There was no need to tell me so I had already broken out into a desolate
cry and felt an orphan in the wide world
She was very kind to me She kept me there all day and left me alone
sometimes and I cried and wore myself to sleep and awoke and cried again
When I could cry no more I began to think and then the oppression on my breast
was heaviest and my grief a dull pain that there was no ease for
And yet my thoughts were idle not intent on the calamity that weighed upon
my heart but idly loitering near it I thought of our house shut up and hushed
I thought of the little baby who Mrs Creakle said had been pining away for
some time and who they believed would die too I thought of my fathers grave
in the churchyard by our house and of my mother lying there beneath the tree I
knew so well I stood upon a chair when I was left alone and looked into the
glass to see how red my eyes were and how sorrowful my face I considered
after some hours were gone if my tears were really hard to flow now as they
seemed to be what in connexion with my loss it would affect me most to think
of when I drew near home for I was going home to the funeral I am sensible of
having felt that a dignity attached to me among the rest of the boys and that I
was important in my affliction
If ever child were stricken with sincere grief I was But I remember that
this importance was a kind of satisfaction to me when I walked in the
playground that afternoon while the boys were in school When I saw them
glancing at me out of the windows as they went up to their classes I felt
distinguished and looked more melancholy and walked slower When school was
over and they came out and spoke to me I felt it rather good in myself not to
be proud to any of them and to take exactly the same notice of them all as
before
I was to go home next night not by the mail but by the heavy nightcoach
which was called the Farmer and was principally used by countrypeople
travelling short intermediate distances upon the road We had no storytelling
that evening and Traddles insisted on lending me his pillow I dont know what
good he thought it would do me for I had one of my own but it was all he had
to lend poor fellow except a sheet of letterpaper full of skeletons and that
he gave me at parting as a soother of my sorrows and a contribution to my peace
of mind
I left Salem House upon the morrow afternoon I little thought then that I
left it never to return We travelled very slowly all night and did not get
into Yarmouth before nine or ten oclock in the morning I looked out for Mr
Barkis but he was not there and instead of him a fat shortwinded
merrylooking little old man in black with rusty little bunches of ribbons at
the knees of his breeches black stockings and a broadbrimmed hat came
puffing up to the coachwindow and said
»Master Copperfield«
»Yes sir«
»Will you come with me young sir if you please« he said opening the
door »and I shall have the pleasure of taking you home«
I put my hand in his wondering who he was and we walked away to a shop in
a narrow street on which was written OMER DRAPER TAILOR HABERDASHER FUNERAL
FURNISHER etc It was a close and stifling little shop full of all sorts of
clothing made and unmade including one window full of beaverhats and bonnets
We went into a little backparlour behind the shop where we found three young
women at work on a quantity of black materials which were heaped upon the
table and little bits and cuttings of which were littered all over the floor
There was a good fire in the room and a breathless smell of warm black crape I
did not know what the smell was then but I know now
The three young women who appeared to be very industrious and comfortable
raised their heads to look at me and then went on with their work Stitch
stitch stitch At the same time there came from a workshop across a little yard
outside the window a regular sound of hammering that kept a kind of tune
RATtattat RATtattat RATtattat without any variation
»Well« said my conductor to one of the three young women »How do you get
on Minnie«
»We shall be ready by the tryingon time« she replied gaily without
looking up »Dont you be afraid father«
Mr Omer took off his broadbrimmed hat and sat down and panted He was so
fat that he was obliged to pant some time before he could say
»Thats right«
»Father« said Minnie playfully »What a porpoise you do grow«
»Well I dont know how it is my dear« he replied considering about it
»I am rather so«
»You are such a comfortable man you see« said Minnie »You take things so
easy«
»No use taking em otherwise my dear« said Mr Omer
»No indeed« returned his daughter »We are all pretty gay here thank
Heaven Aint we father«
»I hope so my dear« said Mr Omer »As I have got my breath now I think
Ill measure this young scholar Would you walk into the shop Master
Copperfield«
I preceded Mr Omer in compliance with his request and after showing me a
roll of cloth which he said was extra super and too good mourning for anything
short of parents he took my various dimensions and put them down in a book
While he was recording them he called my attention to his stock in trade and to
certain fashions which he said had »just come up« and to certain other fashions
which he said had »just gone out«
»And by that sort of thing we very often lose a little mint of money« said
Mr Omer »But fashions are like human beings They come in nobody knows when
why or how and they go out nobody knows when why or how Everything is like
life in my opinion if you look at it in that point of view«
I was too sorrowful to discuss the question which would possibly have been
beyond me under any circumstances and Mr Omer took me back into the parlour
breathing with some difficulty on the way
He then called down a little breakneck range of steps behind a door »Bring
up that tea and breadandbutter« which after some time during which I sat
looking about me and thinking and listening to the stitching in the room and
the tune that was being hammered across the yard appeared on a tray and turned
out to be for me
»I have been acquainted with you« said Mr Omer after watching me for some
minutes during which I had not made much impression on the breakfast for the
black things destroyed my appetite »I have been acquainted with you a long
time my young friend«
»Have you sir«
»All your life« said Mr Omer »I may say before it I knew your father
before you He was five foot nine and a half and he lays in five and twenty
foot of ground«
»RATtattat RATtattat RATtattat« across the yard
»He lays in five and twenty foot of ground if he lays in a fraction« said
Mr Omer pleasantly »It was either his request or her direction I forget
which«
»Do you know how my little brother is sir« I inquired
Mr Omer shook his head
»RATtattat RATtattat RATtattat«
»He is in his mothers arms« said he
»Oh poor little fellow Is he dead«
»Dont mind it more than you can help« said Mr Omer »Yes The babys
dead«
My wounds broke out afresh at this intelligence I left the scarcely tasted
breakfast and went and rested my head on another table in a corner of the
little room which Minnie hastily cleared lest I should spot the mourning that
was lying there with my tears She was a pretty goodnatured girl and put my
hair away from my eyes with a soft kind touch but she was very cheerful at
having nearly finished her work and being in good time and was so different
from me
Presently the tune left off and a goodlooking young fellow came across the
yard into the room He had a hammer in his hand and his mouth was full of
little nails which he was obliged to take out before he could speak
»Well Joram« said Mr Omer »How do you get on«
»All right« said Joram »Done sir«
Minnie coloured a little and the other two girls smiled at one another.
»What you were at it by candlelight last night when I was at the club
then Were you« said Mr Omer shutting up one eye
»Yes« said Joram »As you said we could make a little trip of it and go
over together if it was done Minnie and me and you«
»Oh I thought you were going to leave me out altogether« said Mr Omer
laughing till he coughed
» As you was so good as to say that« resumed the young man »why I turned
to with a will you see Will you give me your opinion of it«
»I will« said Mr Omer rising »My dear« and he stopped and turned to me
»would you like to see your «
»No father« Minnie interposed
»I thought it might be agreeable my dear« said Mr Omer »But perhaps
youre right«
I cant say how I knew it was my dear dear mothers coffin that they went
to look at I had never heard one making I had never seen one that I know of
but it came into my mind what the noise was while it was going on and when the
young man entered I am sure I knew what he had been doing
The work being now finished the two girls whose names I had not heard
brushed the shreds and threads from their dresses and went into the shop to put
that to rights and wait for customers Minnie stayed behind to fold up what
they had made and pack it in two baskets This she did upon her knees humming
a lively little tune the while Joram who I had no doubt was her lover came in
and stole a kiss from her while she was busy he didnt appear to mind me at
all and said her father was gone for the chaise and he must make haste and
get himself ready Then he went out again and then she put her thimble and
scissors in her pocket and stuck a needle threaded with black thread neatly in
the bosom of her gown and put on her outer clothing smartly at a little glass
behind the door in which I saw the reflection of her pleased face
All this I observed sitting at the table in the corner with my head leaning
on my hand and my thoughts running on very different things The chaise soon
came round to the front of the shop and the baskets being put in first I was
put in next and those three followed I remember it as a kind of half
chaisecart half pianoforte van painted of a sombre colour and drawn by a
black horse with a long tail There was plenty of room for us all
I do not think I have ever experienced so strange a feeling in my life I am
wiser now perhaps as that of being with them remembering how they had been
employed and seeing them enjoy the ride I was not angry with them I was more
afraid of them as if I were cast away among creatures with whom I had no
community of nature. They were very cheerful The old man sat in front to drive
and the two young people sat behind him and whenever he spoke to them leaned
forward the one on one side of his chubby face and the other on the other and
made a great deal of him They would have talked to me too but I held back and
moped in my corner scared by their lovemaking and hilarity though it was far
from boisterous and almost wondering that no judgment came upon them for their
hardness of heart
So when they stopped to bait the horse and ate and drank and enjoyed
themselves I could touch nothing that they touched but kept my fast unbroken
So when we reached home I dropped out of the chaise behind as quickly as
possible that I might not be in their company before those solemn windows
looking blindly on me like closed eyes once bright And oh how little need I
had had to think what would move me to tears when I came back seeing the
window of my mothers room and next it that which in the better time was
mine
I was in Peggottys arms before I got to the door and she took me into the
house Her grief burst out when she first saw me but she controlled it soon
and spoke in whispers and walked softly as if the dead could be disturbed She
had not been in bed I found for a long time She sat up at night still and
watched As long as her poor dear pretty was above the ground she said she
would never desert her
Mr Murdstone took no heed of me when I went into the parlour where he was
but sat by the fireside weeping silently and pondering in his elbowchair
Miss Murdstone who was busy at her writingdesk which was covered with letters
and papers gave me her cold fingernails and asked me in an iron whisper if
I had been measured for my mourning
I said »Yes«
»And your shirts« said Miss Murdstone »have you brought em home«
»Yes maam I have brought home all my clothes«
This was all the consolation that her firmness administered to me I do not
doubt that she had a choice pleasure in exhibiting what she called her
selfcommand and her firmness and her strength of mind and her common sense
and the whole diabolical catalogue of her unamiable qualities on such an
occasion She was particularly proud of her turn for business and she showed it
now in reducing everything to pen and ink and being moved by nothing All the
rest of that day and from morning to night afterwards she sat at that desk
scratching composedly with a hard pen speaking in the same imperturbable
whisper to everybody never relaxing a muscle of her face or softening a tone
of her voice or appearing with an atom of her dress astray
Her brother took a book sometimes but never read it that I saw He would
open it and look at it as if he were reading but would remain for a whole hour
without turning the leaf and then put it down and walk to and fro in the room
I used to sit with folded hands watching him and counting his footsteps hour
after hour He very seldom spoke to her and never to me He seemed to be the
only restless thing except the clocks in the whole motionless house
In these days before the funeral I saw but little of Peggotty except that
in passing up or down stairs I always found her close to the room where my
mother and her baby lay and except that she came to me every night and sat by
my beds head while I went to sleep A day or two before the burial I think it
was a day or two before but I am conscious of confusion in my mind about that
heavy time with nothing to mark its progress she took me into the room I
only recollect that underneath some white covering on the bed with a beautiful
cleanliness and freshness all around it there seemed to me to lie embodied the
solemn stillness that was in the house and that when she would have turned the
cover gently back I cried »Oh no oh no« and held her hand
If the funeral had been yesterday I could not recollect it better The very
air of the best parlour when I went in at the door the bright condition of the
fire the shining of the wine in the decanters the patterns of the glasses and
plates the faint sweet smell of cake the odour of Miss Murdstones dress and
our black clothes Mr Chillip is in the room and comes to speak to me
»And how is Master David« he says kindly
I cannot tell him very well I give him my hand which he holds in his
»Dear me« says Mr Chillip meekly smiling with something shining in his
eye »Our little friends grow up around us They grow out of our knowledge,
maam«
This is to Miss Murdstone who makes no reply
»There is a great improvement here maam« says Mr Chillip
Miss Murdstone merely answers with a frown and a formal bend Mr Chillip
discomfited goes into a corner keeping me with him and opens his mouth no
more
I remark this because I remark everything that happens not because I care
about myself or have done since I came home And now the bell begins to sound
and Mr Omer and another come to make us ready As Peggotty was wont to tell me
long ago the followers of my father to the same grave were made ready in the
same room
There are Mr Murdstone our neighbour Mr Grayper Mr Chillip and I When
we go out to the door the Bearers and their load are in the garden and they
move before us down the path and past the elms and through the gate and into
the churchyard where I have so often heard the birds sing on a summer morning
We stand around the grave The day seems different to me from every other
day and the light not of the same colour of a sadder colour Now there is a
solemn hush which we have brought from home with what is resting in the mould
and while we stand bareheaded I hear the voice of the clergyman sounding
remote in the open air and yet distinct and plain saying »I am the
Resurrection and the Life saith the Lord« Then I hear sobs and standing
apart among the lookerson I see that good and faithful servant whom of all
the people upon earth I love the best and unto whom my childish heart is
certain that the Lord will one day say »Well done«
There are many faces that I know among the little crowd faces that I knew
in church when mine was always wondering there faces that first saw my mother
when she came to the village in her youthful bloom I do not mind them I mind
nothing but my grief and yet I see and know them all and even in the
background far away see Minnie looking on and her eye glancing on her
sweetheart who is near me
It is over and the earth is filled in and we turn to come away Before us
stands our house so pretty and unchanged so linked in my mind with the young
idea of what is gone that all my sorrow has been nothing to the sorrow it calls
forth But they take me on and Mr Chillip talks to me and when we get home
put some water to my lips and when I ask his leave to go up to my room
dismisses me with the gentleness of a woman
All this I say is yesterdays event Events of later date have floated
from me to the shore where all forgotten things will reappear but this stands
like a high rock in the ocean
I knew that Peggotty would come to me in my room The Sabbath stillness of
the time the day was so like Sunday I have forgotten that was suited to us
both She sat down by my side upon my little bed and holding my hand and
sometimes putting it to her lips and sometimes smoothing it with hers as she
might have comforted my little brother told me in her way all that she had to
tell concerning what had happened
»She was never well« said Peggotty »for a long time She was uncertain in her
mind and not happy When her baby was born I thought at first she would get
better but she was more delicate and sunk a little every day She used to like
to sit alone before her baby came and then she cried but afterwards she used
to sing to it so soft that I once thought when I heard her it was like a
voice up in the air that was rising away
I think she got to be more timid and more frightenedlike of late and
that a hard word was like a blow to her But she was always the same to me She
never changed to her foolish Peggotty didnt my sweet girl«
Here Peggotty stopped and softly beat upon my hand a little while
»The last time that I saw her like her own old self was the night when you
came home my dear The day you went away she said to me I never shall see my
pretty darling again Something tells me so that tells the truth I know
She tried to hold up after that and many a time when they told her she was
thoughtless and lighthearted made believe to be so but it was all a bygone
then She never told her husband what she had told me she was afraid of saying
it to anybody else till one night a little more than a week before it
happened when she said to him My dear I think I am dying
Its off my mind now Peggotty she told me when I laid her in her bed that
night He will believe it more and more poor fellow every day for a few days
to come and then it will be past I am very tired If this is sleep sit by me
while I sleep dont leave me God bless both my children God protect and keep
my fatherless boy
I never left her afterwards« said Peggotty »She often talked to them two
downstairs for she loved them she couldnt bear not to love any one who was
about her but when they went away from her bedside she always turned to me
as if there was rest where Peggotty was and never fell asleep in any other way
On the last night in the evening she kissed me and said If my baby
should die too Peggotty please let them lay him in my arms and bury us
together It was done for the poor lamb lived but a day beyond her Let my
dearest boy go with us to our restingplace she said and tell him that his
mother when she lay here blessed him not once but a thousand times«
Another silence followed this and another gentle beating on my hand
»It was pretty far in the night« said Peggotty »when she asked me for some
drink and when she had taken it gave me such a patient smile the dear so
beautiful
Daybreak had come and the sun was rising when she said to me how kind and
considerate Mr Copperfield had always been to her and how he had borne with
her and told her when she doubted herself that a loving heart was better and
stronger than wisdom and that he was a happy man in hers Peggotty my dear
she said then put me nearer to you for she was very weak Lay your good arm
underneath my neck she said and turn me to you for your face is going far
off and I want it to be near I put it as she asked and oh Davy the time had
come when my first parting words to you were true when she was glad to lay her
poor head on her stupid cross old Peggottys arm and she died like a child
that had gone to sleep«
Thus ended Peggottys narration From the moment of my knowing of the death of
my mother the idea of her as she had been of late had vanished from me I
remembered her from that instant only as the young mother of my earliest
impressions who had been used to wind her bright curls round and round her
finger and to dance with me at twilight in the parlour What Peggotty had told
me now was so far from bringing me back to the later period that it rooted the
earlier image in my mind It may be curious but it is true In her death she
winged her way back to her calm untroubled youth and cancelled all the rest
The mother who lay in the grave was the mother of my infancy the little
creature in her arms was myself as I had once been hushed for ever on her
bosom
Chapter X
I Become Neglected and Am Provided For
The first act of business Miss Murdstone performed when the day of the solemnity
was over and light was freely admitted into the house was to give Peggotty a
months warning Much as Peggotty would have disliked such a service I believe
she would have retained it for my sake in preference to the best upon earth
She told me we must part and told me why and we condoled with one another, in
all sincerity
As to me or my future not a word was said or a step taken Happy they
would have been I dare say if they could have dismissed me at a months
warning too I mustered courage once to ask Miss Murdstone when I was going
back to school and she answered drily she believed I was not going back at
all I was told nothing more I was very anxious to know what was going to be
done with me and so was Peggotty but neither she nor I could pick up any
information on the subject
There was one change in my condition which while it relieved me of a great
deal of present uneasiness might have made me if I had been capable of
considering it closely yet more uncomfortable about the future It was this
The constraint that had been put upon me was quite abandoned I was so far from
being required to keep my dull post in the parlour that on several occasions
when I took my seat there Miss Murdstone frowned to me to go away I was so far
from being warned off from Peggottys society that provided I was not in Mr
Murdstones I was never sought out or inquired for At first I was in daily
dread of his taking my education in hand again or of Miss Murdstones devoting
herself to it but I soon began to think that such fears were groundless and
that all I had to anticipate was neglect
I do not conceive that this discovery gave me much pain then I was still
giddy with the shock of my mothers death and in a kind of stunned state as to
all tributary things I can recollect indeed to have speculated at odd times
on the possibility of my not being taught any more or cared for any more and
growing up to be a shabby moody man lounging an idle life away about the
village as well as on the feasibility of my getting rid of this picture by
going away somewhere like the hero in a story to seek my fortune but these
were transient visions daydreams I sat looking at sometimes as if they were
faintly painted or written on the wall of my room and which as they melted
away left the wall blank again
»Peggotty« I said in a thoughtful whisper one evening when I was warming
my hands at the kitchen fire »Mr Murdstone likes me less than he used to He
never liked me much Peggotty but he would rather not even see me now if he
can help it«
»Perhaps its his sorrow« said Peggotty stroking my hair
»I am sure Peggotty I am sorry too If I believed it was his sorrow I
should not think of it at all But its not that oh no its not that«
»How do you know its not that« said Peggotty after a silence
»Oh his sorrow is another and quite a different thing He is sorry at this
moment sitting by the fireside with Miss Murdstone but if I was to go in
Peggotty he would be something besides«
»What would he be« said Peggotty
»Angry« I answered with an involuntary imitation of his dark frown »If he
was only sorry he wouldnt look at me as he does I am only sorry and it makes
me feel kinder«
Peggotty said nothing for a little while and I warmed my hands as silent
as she
»Davy« she said at length
»Yes Peggotty«
»I have tried my dear all ways I could think of all the ways there are
and all the ways there aint in short to get a suitable service here in
Blunderstone but theres no such a thing my love«
»And what do you mean to do Peggotty« says I wistfully »Do you mean to
go and seek your fortune«
»I expect I shall be forced to go to Yarmouth« replied Peggotty »and live
there«
»You might have gone farther off« I said brightening a little »and been
as bad as lost I shall see you sometimes my dear old Peggotty there You
wont be quite at the other end of the world will you«
»Contrary ways please God« cried Peggotty with great animation »As long
as you are here my pet I shall come over every week of my life to see you One
day every week of my life«
I felt a great weight taken off my mind by this promise but even this was
not all for Peggotty went on to say
»Im a going Davy you see to my brothers first for another fortnights
visit just till I have had time to look about me and get to be something like
myself again Now I have been thinking that perhaps as they dont want you
here at present you might be let to go along with me«
If anything short of being in a different relation to every one about me
Peggotty excepted could have given me a sense of pleasure at that time it
would have been this project of all others The idea of being again surrounded
by those honest faces shining welcome on me of renewing the peacefulness of
the sweet Sunday morning when the bells were ringing the stones dropping in
the water and the shadowy ships breaking through the mist of roaming up and
down with little Emly telling her my troubles and finding charms against them
in the shells and pebbles on the beach made a calm in my heart It was ruffled
next moment to be sure by a doubt of Miss Murdstone giving her consent but
even that was set at rest soon for she came out to take an evening grope in the
storecloset while we were yet in conversation and Peggotty with a boldness
that amazed me broached the topic on the spot
»The boy will be idle there« said Miss Murdstone looking into a
picklejar »and idleness is the root of all evil But to be sure he would be
idle here or anywhere in my opinion«
Peggotty had an angry answer ready I could see but she swallowed it for my
sake and remained silent
»Humph« said Miss Murdstone still keeping her eye on the pickles »it is
of more importance than anything else it is of paramount importance that my
brother should not be disturbed or made uncomfortable I suppose I had better
say yes«
I thanked her without making any demonstration of joy lest it should
induce her to withdraw her assent Nor could I help thinking this a prudent
course when she looked at me out of the picklejar with as great an access of
sourness as if her black eyes had absorbed its contents However the permission
was given and was never retracted for when the month was out Peggotty and I
were ready to depart
Mr Barkis came into the house for Peggottys boxes I had never known him
to pass the gardengate before but on this occasion he came into the house And
he gave me a look as he shouldered the largest box and went out which I thought
had meaning in it if meaning could ever be said to find its way into Mr
Barkiss visage
Peggotty was naturally in low spirits at leaving what had been her home so
many years and where the two strong attachments of her life for my mother and
myself had been formed She had been walking in the churchyard too very
early and she got into the cart and sat in it with her handkerchief at her
eyes
So long as she remained in this condition Mr Barkis gave no sign of life
whatever He sat in his usual place and attitude like a great stuffed figure
But when she began to look about her and to speak to me he nodded his head and
grinned several times I have not the least notion at whom or what he meant by
it
»Its a beautiful day Mr Barkis« I said as an act of politeness
»It aint bad« said Mr Barkis who generally qualified his speech and
rarely committed himself
»Peggotty is quite comfortable now Mr Barkis« I remarked for his
satisfaction
»Is she though« said Mr Barkis
After reflecting about it with a sagacious air Mr Barkis eyed her and
said
»Are you pretty comfortable«
Peggotty laughed and answered in the affirmative
»But really and truly you know Are you« growled Mr Barkis sliding
nearer to her on the seat and nudging her with his elbow »Are you Really and
truly pretty comfortable Are you Eh« At each of these inquiries Mr Barkis
shuffled nearer to her and gave her another nudge so that at last we were all
crowded together in the lefthand corner of the cart and I was so squeezed that
I could hardly bear it
Peggotty calling his attention to my sufferings Mr Barkis gave me a little
more room at once and got away by degrees But I could not help observing that
he seemed to think he had hit upon a wonderful expedient for expressing himself
in a neat agreeable and pointed manner without the inconvenience of inventing
conversation He manifestly chuckled over it for some time Byandby he turned
to Peggotty again and repeating »Are you pretty comfortable though« bore
down upon us as before until the breath was nearly wedged out of my body
Byandby he made another descent upon us with the same inquiry and the same
result At length I got up whenever I saw him coming and standing on the
footboard pretended to look at the prospect after which I did very well
He was so polite as to stop at a publichouse expressly on our account and
entertain us with broiled mutton and beer Even when Peggotty was in the act of
drinking he was seized with one of those approaches and almost choked her But
as we drew nearer to the end of our journey he had more to do and less time for
gallantry and when we got on Yarmouth pavement we were all too much shaken and
jolted I apprehend to have any leisure for anything else
Mr Peggotty and Ham waited for us at the old place They received me and
Peggotty in an affectionate manner and shook hands with Mr Barkis who with
his hat on the very back of his head and a shamefaced leer upon his
countenance and pervading his very legs presented but a vacant appearance I
thought They each took one of Peggottys trunks and we were going away when
Mr Barkis solemnly made a sign to me with his forefinger to come under an
archway
»I say« growled Mr Barkis »it was all right«
I looked up into his face and answered with an attempt to be very
profound »Oh«
»It didnt come to a end there« said Mr Barkis nodding confidentially
»It was all right«
Again I answered »Oh«
»You know who was willin« said my friend »It was Barkis and Barkis
only«
I nodded assent
»Its all right« said Mr Barkis shaking hands »Im a friend of yourn
You made it all right first Its all right«
In his attempts to be particularly lucid Mr Barkis was so extremely
mysterious that I might have stood looking in his face for an hour and most
assuredly should have got as much information out of it as out of the face of a
clock that had stopped but for Peggottys calling me away As we were going
along she asked me what he had said and I told her he had said it was all
right
»Like his impudence« said Peggotty »but I dont mind that Davy dear what
should you think if I was to think of being married«
»Why I suppose you would like me as much then Peggotty as you do now« I
returned after a little consideration
Greatly to the astonishment of the passengers in the street as well as of
her relations going on before the good soul was obliged to stop and embrace me
on the spot with many protestations of her unalterable love
»Tell me what should you say darling« she asked again when this was over
and we were walking on
»If you were thinking of being married to Mr Barkis Peggotty«
»Yes« said Peggotty
»I should think it would be a very good thing For then you know Peggotty
you would always have the horse and cart to bring you over to see me and could
come for nothing and be sure of coming«
»The sense of the dear« cried Peggotty »What I have been thinking of this
month back Yes my precious and I think I should be more independent
altogether you see let alone my working with a better heart in my own house
than I could in anybody elses now I dont know what I might be fit for now
as a servant to a stranger And I shall be always near my prettys
restingplace« said Peggotty musing »and be able to see it when I like and
when I lie down to rest I may be laid not far off from my darling girl«
We neither of us said anything for a little while
»But I wouldnt so much as give it another thought« said Peggotty
cheerily »if my Davy was anyways against it not if I had been asked in church
thirty times three times over and was wearing out the ring in my pocket«
»Look at me Peggotty« I replied »and see if I am not really glad and
dont truly wish it« As indeed I did with all my heart
»Well my life« said Peggotty giving me a squeeze »I have thought of it
night and day every way I can and I hope the right way but Ill think of it
again and speak to my brother about it and in the meantime well keep it to
ourselves Davy you and me Barkis is a good plain creatur« said Peggotty
»and if I tried to do my duty by him I think it would be my fault if I wasnt
if I wasnt pretty comfortable« said Peggotty laughing heartily
This quotation from Mr Barkis was so appropriate and tickled us both so
much that we laughed again and again and were quite in a pleasant humour when
we came within view of Mr Peggottys cottage
It looked just the same except that it may perhaps have shrunk a little
in my eyes and Mrs Gummidge was waiting at the door as if she had stood there
ever since All within was the same down to the seaweed in the blue mug in my
bedroom I went into the outhouse to look about me and the very same lobsters
crabs and crawfish possessed by the same desire to pinch the world in general
appeared to be in the same state of conglomeration in the same old corner
But there was no little Emly to be seen so I asked Mr Peggotty where she
was
»Shes at school sir« said Mr Peggotty wiping the heat consequent on the
porterage of Peggottys box from his forehead »shell be home« looking at the
Dutch clock »in from twenty minutes to halfanhours time We all on us feel
the loss of her bless ye«
Mrs Gummidge moaned
»Cheer up Mawther« cried Mr Peggotty
»I feel it more than anybody else« said Mrs Gummidge »Im a lone lorn
creetur and she used to be amost the only think that didnt go contrairy with
me«
Mrs Gummidge whimpering and shaking her head applied herself to blowing
the fire Mr Peggotty looking round upon us while she was so engaged said in
a low voice which he shaded with his hand »The old un« From this I rightly
conjectured that no improvement had taken place since my last visit in the state
of Mrs Gummidges spirits
Now the whole place was or it should have been quite as delightful a
place as ever and yet it did not impress me in the same way I felt rather
disappointed with it Perhaps it was because little Emly was not at home I
knew the way by which she would come and presently found myself strolling along
the path to meet her
A figure appeared in the distance before long and I soon knew it to be
Emly who was a little creature still in stature though she was grown But
when she drew nearer and I saw her blue eyes looking bluer and her dimpled
face looking brighter and her whole self prettier and gayer a curious feeling
came over me that made me pretend not to know her and pass by as if I were
looking at something a long way off I have done such a thing since in later
life or I am mistaken
Little Emly didnt care a bit She saw me well enough but instead of
turning round and calling after me ran away laughing This obliged me to run
after her and she ran so fast that we were very near the cottage before I
caught her
»Oh its you is it« said little Emly
»Why you knew who it was Emly« said I
»And didnt you know who it was« said Emly I was going to kiss her but
she covered her cherry lips with her hands and said she wasnt a baby now and
ran away laughing more than ever into the house
She seemed to delight in teasing me which was a change in her I wondered at
very much The teatable was ready and our little locker was put out in its old
place but instead of coming to sit by me she went and bestowed her company
upon that grumbling Mrs Gummidge and on Mr Peggottys inquiring why rumpled
her hair all over her face to hide it and would do nothing but laugh
»A little puss it is« said Mr Peggotty patting her with his great hand
»So sh is so sh is« cried Ham »Masr Davy bor so sh is« and he sat
and chuckled at her for some time in a state of mingled admiration and delight
that made his face a burning red
Little Emly was spoiled by them all in fact and by no one more than Mr
Peggotty himself whom she could have coaxed into anything by only going and
laying her cheek against his rough whisker That was my opinion at least when
I saw her do it and I held Mr Peggotty to be thoroughly in the right But she
was so affectionate and sweetnatured and had such a pleasant manner of being
both sly and shy at once that she captivated me more than ever
She was tenderhearted too for when as we sat round the fire after tea
an allusion was made by Mr Peggotty over his pipe to the loss I had sustained
the tears stood in her eyes and she looked at me so kindly across the table
that I felt quite thankful to her
»Ah« said Mr Peggotty taking up her curls and running them over his hand
like water »heres another orphan you see sir And here« said Mr Peggotty
giving Ham a backhanded knock in the chest »is another of m though he dont
look much like it«
»If I had you for my guardian Mr Peggotty« said I shaking my head »I
dont think I should feel much like it«
»Well said Masr Davy bor« cried Ham in an ecstasy »Hoorah Well said
Nor more you wouldnt Hor Hor« Here he returned Mr Peggottys backhander
and little Emly got up and kissed Mr Peggotty
»And hows your friend sir« said Mr Peggotty to me
»Steerforth« said I
»Thats the name« cried Mr Peggotty turning to Ham »I knowed it was
something in our way«
»You said it was Rudderford« observed Ham laughing
»Well« retorted Mr Peggotty »And ye steer with a rudder dont ye It
aint fur off How is he sir«
»He was very well indeed when I came away Mr Peggotty«
»Theres a friend« said Mr Peggotty stretching out his pipe »Theres a
friend if you talk of friends Why Lord love my heart alive if it aint a
treat to look at him«
»He is very handsome is he not« said I my heart warming with this praise
»Handsome« cried Mr Peggotty »He stands up to you like like a why I
dont know what he dont stand up to you like Hes so bold«
»Yes Thats just his character« said I »Hes as brave as a lion and you
cant think how frank he is Mr Peggotty«
»And I do suppose now« said Mr Peggotty looking at me through the smoke
of his pipe »that in the way of booklarning hed take the wind out of amost
anything«
»Yes« said I delighted »he knows everything He is astonishingly clever«
»Theres a friend« murmured Mr Peggotty with a grave toss of his head
»Nothing seems to cost him any trouble« said I »He knows a task if he only
looks at it He is the best cricketer you ever saw He will give you almost as
many men as you like at draughts and beat you easily«
Mr Peggotty gave his head another toss as much as to say »Of course he
will«
»He is such a speaker« I pursued »that he can win anybody over and I
dont know what youd say if you were to hear him sing Mr Peggotty«
Mr Peggotty gave his head another toss as much as to say »I have no doubt
of it«
»Then hes such a generous fine noble fellow« said I quite carried away
by my favourite theme »that its hardly possible to give him as much praise as
he deserves I am sure I can never feel thankful enough for the generosity with
which he has protected me so much younger and lower in the school than
himself«
I was running on very fast indeed when my eyes rested on little Emlys
face which was bent forward over the table listening with the deepest
attention her breath held her blue eyes sparkling like jewels and the colour
mantling in her cheeks She looked so extraordinarily earnest and pretty that I
stopped in a sort of wonder and they all observed her at the same time for as
I stopped they laughed and looked at her
»Emly is like me« said Peggotty »and would like to see him«
Emly was confused by our all observing her and hung down her head and her
face was covered with blushes Glancing up presently through her stray curls
and seeing that we were all looking at her still I am sure I for one could
have looked at her for hours she ran away and kept away till it was nearly
bedtime
I lay down in the old little bed in the stern of the boat and the wind came
moaning on across the flat as it had done before But I could not help fancying
now that it moaned of those who were gone and instead of thinking that the sea
might rise in the night and float the boat away I thought of the sea that had
risen since I last heard those sounds and drowned my happy home I recollect
as the wind and water began to sound fainter in my ears putting a short clause
into my prayers petitioning that I might grow up to marry little Emly and so
dropping lovingly asleep
The days passed pretty much as they had passed before except it was a
great exception that little Emly and I seldom wandered on the beach now She
had tasks to learn and needlework to do and was absent during a great part of
each day But I felt that we should not have had these old wanderings even if
it had been otherwise Wild and full of childish whims as Emly was she was
more of a little woman than I had supposed She seemed to have got a great
distance away from me in little more than a year She liked me but she laughed
at me and tormented me and when I went to meet her stole home another way
and was laughing at the door when I came back disappointed The best times were
when she sat quietly at work in the doorway and I sat on the wooden steps at
her feet reading to her It seems to me at this hour that I have never seen
such sunlight as on those bright April afternoons that I have never seen such a
sunny little figure as I used to see sitting in the doorway of the old boat
that I have never beheld such sky such water such glorified ships sailing away
into golden air
On the very first evening after our arrival Mr Barkis appeared in an
exceedingly vacant and awkward condition and with a bundle of oranges tied up
in a handkerchief As he made no allusion of any kind to this property he was
supposed to have left it behind him by accident when he went away until Ham
running after him to restore it came back with the information that it was
intended for Peggotty After that occasion he appeared every evening at exactly
the same hour and always with a little bundle to which he never alluded and
which he regularly put behind the door and left there These offerings of
affection were of a most various and eccentric description Among them I
remember a double set of pigs trotters a huge pincushion half a bushel or so
of apples a pair of jet earrings some Spanish onions a box of dominoes a
canary bird and cage and a leg of pickled pork
Mr Barkiss wooing as I remember it was altogether of a peculiar kind He
very seldom said anything but would sit by the fire in much the same attitude
as he sat in his cart and stare heavily at Peggotty who was opposite One
night being as I suppose inspired by love he made a dart at the bit of
waxcandle she kept for her thread and put it in his waistcoatpocket and
carried it off After that his great delight was to produce it when it was
wanted sticking to the lining of his pocket in a partially melted state and
pocket it again when it was done with He seemed to enjoy himself very much and
not to feel at all called upon to talk Even when he took Peggotty out for a
walk on the flats he had no uneasiness on that head I believe contenting
himself with now and then asking her if she was pretty comfortable and I
remember that sometimes after he was gone Peggotty would throw her apron over
her face and laugh for halfanhour Indeed we were all more or less amused
except that miserable Mrs Gummidge whose courtship would appear to have been
of an exactly parallel nature she was so continually reminded by these
transactions of the old one
At length when the term of my visit was nearly expired it was given out
that Peggotty and Mr Barkis were going to make a days holiday together and
that little Emly and I were to accompany them I had but a broken sleep the
night before in anticipation of the pleasure of a whole day with Emly We were
all astir betimes in the morning and while we were yet at breakfast Mr Barkis
appeared in the distance driving a chaisecart towards the object of his
affections
Peggotty was dressed as usual in her neat and quiet mourning but Mr
Barkis bloomed in a new blue coat of which the tailor had given him such good
measure that the cuffs would have rendered gloves unnecessary in the coldest
weather while the collar was so high that it pushed his hair up on end on the
top of his head His bright buttons too were of the largest size Rendered
complete by drab pantaloons and a buff waistcoat I thought Mr Barkis a
phenomenon of respectability
When we were all in a bustle outside the door I found that Mr Peggotty was
prepared with an old shoe which was to be thrown after us for luck and which
he offered to Mrs Gummidge for that purpose
»No It had better be done by somebody else Danl« said Mrs Gummidge
»Im a lone lorn creetur myself and everythink that reminds me of creeturs
that aint lone and lorn goes contrairy with me«
»Come old gal« cried Mr Peggotty »Take and heave it«
»No Danl« returned Mrs Gummidge whimpering and shaking her head »If I
felt less I could do more You dont feel like me Danl thinks dont go
contrairy with you nor you with them you had better do it yourself«
But here Peggotty who had been going about from one to another in a hurried
way kissing everybody called out from the cart in which we all were by this
time Emly and I on two little chairs side by side that Mrs Gummidge must
do it So Mrs Gummidge did it and I am sorry to relate cast a damp upon the
festive character of our departure by immediately bursting into tears and
sinking subdued into the arms of Ham with the declaration that she knowed she
was a burden and had better be carried to the House at once Which I really
thought was a sensible idea that Ham might have acted on
Away we went however on our holiday excursion and the first thing we did
was to stop at a church where Mr Barkis tied the horse to some rails and went
in with Peggotty leaving little Emly and me alone in the chaise I took that
occasion to put my arm round Emlys waist and propose that as I was going away
so very soon now we should determine to be very affectionate to one another,
and very happy all day Little Emly consenting and allowing me to kiss her I
became desperate informing her I recollect that I never could love another
and that I was prepared to shed the blood of anybody who should aspire to her
affections
How merry little Emly made herself about it With what a demure assumption
of being immensely older and wiser than I the fairy little woman said I was »a
silly boy« and then laughed so charmingly that I forgot the pain of being
called by that disparaging name in the pleasure of looking at her
Mr Barkis and Peggotty were a good while in the church but came out at
last and then we drove away into the country As we were going along Mr
Barkis turned to me and said with a wink bythebye I should hardly have
thought before that he could wink
»What name was it as I wrote up in the cart«
»Clara Peggotty« I answered
»What name would it be as I should write up now if there was a tilt here«
»Clara Peggotty again« I suggested
»Clara Peggotty BARKIS« he returned and burst into a roar of laughter that
shook the chaise
In a word they were married and had gone into the church for no other
purpose Peggotty was resolved that it should be quietly done and the clerk had
given her away and there had been no witnesses of the ceremony She was a
little confused when Mr Barkis made this abrupt announcement of their union
and could not hug me enough in token of her unimpaired affection but she soon
became herself again and said she was very glad it was over
We drove to a little inn in a byeroad where we were expected and where we
had a very comfortable dinner and passed the day with great satisfaction If
Peggotty had been married every day for the last ten years she could hardly
have been more at her ease about it it made no sort of difference in her she
was just the same as ever and went out for a stroll with little Emly and me
before tea while Mr Barkis philosophically smoked his pipe and enjoyed
himself I suppose with the contemplation of his happiness If so it sharpened
his appetite for I distinctly called to mind that although he had eaten a good
deal of pork and greens at dinner and had finished off with a fowl or two he
was obliged to have cold boiled bacon for tea and disposed of a large quantity
without any emotion
I have often thought since what an odd innocent outoftheway kind of
wedding it must have been We got into the chaise again soon after dark and
drove cosily back looking up at the stars and talking about them I was their
chief exponent and opened Mr Barkiss mind to an amazing extent I told him
all I knew but he would have believed anything I might have taken it into my
head to impart to him for he had a profound veneration for my abilities and
informed his wife in my hearing on that very occasion that I was a young
Roeshus by which I think he meant prodigy
When we had exhausted the subject of the stars or rather when I had
exhausted the mental faculties of Mr Barkis little Emly and I made a cloak of
an old wrapper and sat under it for the rest of the journey Ah how I loved
her What happiness I thought if we were married and were going away anywhere
to live among the trees and in the fields never growing older never growing
wiser children ever rambling hand in hand through sunshine and among flowery
meadows laying down our heads on moss at night in a sweet sleep of purity and
peace and buried by the birds when we were dead Some such picture with no
real world in it bright with the light of our innocence and vague as the stars
afar off was in my mind all the way I am glad to think there were two such
guileless hearts at Peggottys marriage as little Emlys and mine I am glad to
think the Loves and Graces took such airy forms in its homely procession
Well we came to the old boat again in good time at night and there Mr and
Mrs Barkis bade us goodbye and drove away snugly to their own home I felt
then for the first time that I had lost Peggotty I should have gone to bed
with a sore heart indeed under any other roof but that which sheltered little
Emilys head
Mr Peggotty and Ham knew what was in my thoughts as well as I did and were
ready with some supper and their hospitable faces to drive it away Little Emly
came and sat beside me on the locker for the only time in all that visit and it
was altogether a wonderful close to a wonderful day
It was a night tide and soon after we went to bed Mr Peggotty and Ham
went out to fish I felt very brave at being left alone in the solitary house
the protector of Emly and Mrs Gummidge and only wished that a lion or a
serpent or any illdisposed monster would make an attack upon us that I might
destroy him and cover myself with glory But as nothing of the sort happened to
be walking about on Yarmouth flats that night I provided the best substitute I
could by dreaming of dragons until morning
With morning came Peggotty who called to me as usual under my window as
if Mr Barkis the carrier had been from first to last a dream too After
breakfast she took me to her own home and a beautiful little home it was Of
all the moveables in it I must have been most impressed by a certain old bureau
of some dark wood in the parlour the tilefloored kitchen was the general
sittingroom with a retreating top which opened let down and became a desk
within which was a large quarto edition of Foxes Book of Martyrs This precious
volume of which I do not recollect one word I immediately discovered and
immediately applied myself to and I never visited the house afterwards but I
kneeled on a chair opened the casket where this gem was enshrined spread my
arms over the desk and fell to devouring the book afresh I was chiefly
edified I am afraid by the pictures which were numerous and represented all
kinds of dismal horrors but the Martyrs and Peggottys house have been
inseparable in my mind ever since and are now
I took leave of Mr Peggotty and Ham and Mrs Gummidge and little Emly
that day and passed the night at Peggottys in a little room in the roof with
the crocodilebook on a shelf by the beds head which was to be always mine
Peggotty said and should always be kept for me in exactly the same state
»Young or old Davy dear as long as I am alive and have this house over my
head« said Peggotty »you shall find it as if I expected you here directly
minute I shall keep it every day as I used to keep your old little room my
darling and if you was to go to China you might think of it as being kept just
the same all the time you were away«
I felt the truth and constancy of my dear old nurse with all my heart and
thanked her as well as I could That was not very well for she spoke to me
thus with her arms round my neck in the morning and I was going home in the
morning and I went home in the morning with herself and Mr Barkis in the
cart They left me at the gate not easily or lightly and it was a strange
sight to me to see the cart go on taking Peggotty away and leaving me under
the old elmtrees looking at the house in which there was no face to look on
mine with love or liking any more
And now I fell into a state of neglect which I cannot look back upon
without compassion I fell at once into a solitary condition apart from all
friendly notice apart from the society of all other boys of my own age apart
from all companionship but my own spiritless thoughts which seems to cast its
gloom upon this paper as I write
What would I have given to have been sent to the hardest school that ever
was kept to have been taught something anyhow anywhere No such hope dawned
upon me They disliked me and they sullenly sternly steadily overlooked me
I think Mr Murdstones means were straitened at about this time but it is
little to the purpose He could not bear me and in putting me from him he
tried as I believe to put away the notion that I had any claim upon him and
succeeded
I was not actively illused I was not beaten or starved but the wrong
that was done to me had no intervals of relenting and was done in a systematic
passionless manner Day after day week after week month after month I was
coldly neglected I wonder sometimes when I think of it what they would have
done if I had been taken with an illness whether I should have lain down in my
lonely room and languished through it in my usual solitary way or whether
anybody would have helped me out
When Mr and Miss Murdstone were at home I took my meals with them in
their absence I ate and drank by myself At all times I lounged about the house
and neighbourhood quite disregarded except that they were jealous of my making
any friends thinking perhaps that if I did I might complain to some one For
this reason though Mr Chillip often asked me to go and see him he was a
widower having some years before that lost a little small lighthaired wife
whom I can just remember connecting in my own thoughts with a pale
tortoiseshell cat it was but seldom that I enjoyed the happiness of passing
an afternoon in his closet of a surgery reading some book that was new to me
with the smell of the whole pharmacopoeia coming up my nose or pounding
something in a mortar under his mild directions
For the same reason added no doubt to the old dislike of her I was seldom
allowed to visit Peggotty Faithful to her promise she either came to see me
or met me somewhere near once every week and never emptyhanded but many and
bitter were the disappointments I had in being refused permission to pay a
visit to her at her house Some few times however at long intervals I was
allowed to go there and then I found out that Mr Barkis was something of a
miser or as Peggotty dutifully expressed it was a little near and kept a
heap of money in a box under his bed which he pretended was only full of coats
and trousers In this coffer his riches hid themselves with such a tenacious
modesty that the smallest instalments could only be tempted out by artifice so
that Peggotty had to prepare a long and elaborate scheme a very Gunpowder Plot
for every Saturdays expenses
All this time I was so conscious of the waste of any promise I had given
and of my being utterly neglected that I should have been perfectly miserable
I have no doubt but for the old books They were my only comfort and I was as
true to them as they were to me and read them over and over I dont know how
many times more
I now approach a period of my life which I can never lose the remembrance
of while I remember anything and the recollection of which has often without
my invocation come before me like a ghost and haunted happier times
I had been out one day loitering somewhere in the listless meditative
manner that my way of life engendered when turning the corner of a lane near
our house I came upon Mr Murdstone walking with a gentleman I was confused
and was going by them when the gentleman cried
»What Brooks«
»No sir David Copperfield« I said
»Dont tell me You are Brooks« said the gentleman »You are Brooks of
Sheffield Thats your name«
At these words I observed the gentleman more attentively His laugh coming
to my remembrance too I knew him to be Mr Quinion whom I had gone over to
Lowestoft with Mr Murdstone to see before it is no matter I need not
recall when
»And how do you get on and where are you being educated Brooks« said Mr
Quinion
He had put his hand upon my shoulder and turned me about to talk with
them I did not know what to reply and glanced dubiously at Mr Murdstone
»He is at home at present« said the latter »He is not being educated
anywhere I dont know what to do with him He is a difficult subject«
That old double look was on me for a moment and then his eyes darkened
with a frown as it turned in its aversion elsewhere
»Humph« said Mr Quinion looking at us both I thought »Fine weather«
Silence ensued and I was considering how I could best disengage my shoulder
from his hand and go away when he said
»I suppose you are a pretty sharp fellow still Eh Brooks«
»Ay He is sharp enough« said Mr Murdstone impatiently »You had better
let him go He will not thank you for troubling him«
On this hint Mr Quinion released me and I made the best of my way home
Looking back as I turned into the front garden I saw Mr Murdstone leaning
against the wicket of the churchyard and Mr Quinion talking to him They were
both looking after me and I felt that they were speaking of me
Mr Quinion lay at our house that night After breakfast the next morning
I had put my chair away and was going out of the room when Mr Murdstone
called me back He then gravely repaired to another table where his sister sat
herself at her desk Mr Quinion with his hands in his pockets stood looking
out of window and I stood looking at them all
»David« said Mr Murdstone »to the young this is a world for action not
for moping and droning in«
»As you do« added his sister
»Jane Murdstone leave it to me if you please I say David to the young
this is a world for action and not for moping and droning in It is especially
so for a young boy of your disposition which requires a great deal of
correcting and to which no greater service can be done than to force it to
conform to the ways of the working world and to bend it and break it«
»For stubbornness wont do here« said his sister »What it wants is to be
crushed And crushed it must be Shall be too«
He gave her a look half in remonstrance half in approval and went on
»I suppose you know David that I am not rich At any rate you know it
now You have received some considerable education already Education is costly
and even if it were not and I could afford it I am of opinion that it would
not be at all advantageous to you to be kept at a school What is before you is
a fight with the world and the sooner you begin it the better«
I think it occurred to me that I had already begun it in my poor way but
it occurs to me now whether or no
»You have heard the countinghouse mentioned sometimes« said Mr Murdstone
»The countinghouse sir« I repeated
»Of Murdstone and Grinby in the wine trade« he replied
I suppose I looked uncertain for he went on hastily
»You have heard the countinghouse mentioned or the business or the
cellars or the wharf or something about it«
»I think I have heard the business mentioned sir« I said remembering what
I vaguely knew of his and his sisters resources »But I dont know when«
»It does not matter when« he returned »Mr Quinion manages that business«
I glanced at the latter deferentially as he stood looking out of window
»Mr Quinion suggests that it gives employment to some other boys and that
he sees no reason why it shouldnt on the same terms give employment to you«
»He having« Mr Quinion observed in a low voice and half turning round
»no other prospect Murdstone«
Mr Murdstone with an impatient even an angry gesture resumed without
noticing what he had said
»Those terms are that you will earn enough for yourself to provide for your
eating and drinking and pocketmoney Your lodging which I have arranged for
will be paid by me So will your washing«
»Which will be kept down to my estimate« said his sister
»Your clothes will be looked after for you too« said Mr Murdstone »as
you will not be able yet awhile to get them for yourself So you are now going
to London David with Mr Quinion to begin the world on your own account«
»In short you are provided for« observed his sister »and will please to
do your duty«
Though I quite understood that the purpose of this announcement was to get
rid of me I have no distinct remembrance whether it pleased or frightened me
My impression is that I was in a state of confusion about it and oscillating
between the two points touched neither Nor had I much time for the clearing of
my thoughts as Mr Quinion was to go upon the morrow
Behold me on the morrow in a muchworn little white hat with a black
crape round it for my mother a black jacket and a pair of hard stiff corduroy
trousers which Miss Murdstone considered the best armour for the legs in that
fight with the world which was now to come off behold me so attired and with
my little worldly all before me in a small trunk sitting a lone lorn child as
Mrs Gummidge might have said in the postchaise that was carrying Mr Quinion
to the London coach at Yarmouth See how our house and church are lessening in
the distance how the grave beneath the tree is blotted out by intervening
objects how the spire points upwards from my old playground no more and the
sky is empty
Chapter XI
I Begin Life on My Own Account and Dont Like It
I know enough of the world now to have almost lost the capacity of being much
surprised by anything but it is matter of some surprise to me even now that I
can have been so easily thrown away at such an age A child of excellent
abilities and with strong powers of observation quick eager delicate and
soon hurt bodily or mentally it seems wonderful to me that nobody should have
made any sign in my behalf But none was made and I became at ten years old a
little labouring hind in the service of Murdstone and Grinby
Murdstone and Grinbys warehouse was at the water side It was down in
Blackfriars Modern improvements have altered the place but it was the last
house at the bottom of a narrow street curving down hill to the river with
some stairs at the end where people took boat It was a crazy old house with a
wharf of its own, abutting on the water when the tide was in and on the mud
when the tide was out and literally overrun with rats Its panelled rooms
discoloured with the dirt and smoke of a hundred years I dare say its decaying
floors and staircase the squeaking and scuffling of the old grey rats down in
the cellars and the dirt and rottenness of the place are things not of many
years ago in my mind but of the present instant They are all before me just
as they were in the evil hour when I went among them for the first time with my
trembling hand in Mr Quinions
Murdstone and Grinbys trade was among a good many kinds of people but an
important branch of it was the supply of wines and spirits to certain packet
ships I forget now where they chiefly went but I think there were some among
them that made voyages both to the East and West Indies I know that a great
many empty bottles were one of the consequences of this traffic and that
certain men and boys were employed to examine them against the light and reject
those that were flawed and to rinse and wash them When the empty bottles ran
short there were labels to be pasted on full ones or corks to be fitted to
them or seals to be put upon the corks or finished bottles to be packed in
casks All this work was my work and of the boys employed upon it I was one
There were three or four of us counting me My working place was
established in a corner of the warehouse where Mr Quinion could see me when
he chose to stand up on the bottom rail of his stool in the countinghouse and
look at me through a window above the desk Hither on the first morning of my
so auspiciously beginning life on my own account the oldest of the regular boys
was summoned to show me my business His name was Mick Walker and he wore a
ragged apron and a paper cap He informed me that his father was a bargeman and
walked in a black velvet headdress in the Lord Mayors Show He also informed
me that our principal associate would be another boy whom he introduced by the
to me extraordinary name of Mealy Potatoes I discovered however that this
youth had not been christened by that name but that it had been bestowed upon
him in the warehouse on account of his complexion which was pale or mealy
Mealys father was a waterman who had the additional distinction of being a
fireman and was engaged as such at one of the large theatres where some young
relation of Mealys I think his little sister did Imps in the Pantomimes
No words can express the secret agony of my soul as I sunk into this
companionship compared these henceforth everyday associates with those of my
happier childhood not to say with Steerforth Traddles and the rest of those
boys and felt my hopes of growing up to be a learned and distinguished man
crushed in my bosom The deep remembrance of the sense I had of being utterly
without hope now of the shame I felt in my position of the misery it was to my
young heart to believe that day by day what I had learned and thought and
delighted in and raised my fancy and my emulation up by would pass away from
me little by little never to be brought back any more cannot be written As
often as Mick Walker went away in the course of that forenoon I mingled my
tears with the water in which I was washing the bottles and sobbed as if there
were a flaw in my own breast and it were in danger of bursting
The countinghouse clock was at halfpast twelve and there was general
preparation for going to dinner when Mr Quinion tapped at the countinghouse
window and beckoned to me to go in I went in and found there a stoutish
middleaged person in a brown surtout and black tights and shoes with no more
hair upon his head which was a large one and very shining than there is upon
an egg and with a very extensive face which he turned full upon me His
clothes were shabby but he had an imposing shirtcollar on He carried a jaunty
sort of a stick with a large pair of rusty tassels to it and a quizzingglass
hung outside his coat for ornament I afterwards found as he very seldom
looked through it and couldnt see anything when he did
»This« said Mr Quinion in allusion to myself »is he«
»This« said the stranger with a certain condescending roll in his voice
and a certain indescribable air of doing something genteel which impressed me
very much »is Master Copperfield I hope I see you well sir«
I said I was very well and hoped he was I was sufficiently ill at ease
Heaven knows but it was not in my nature to complain much at that time of my
life so I said I was very well and hoped he was
»I am« said the stranger »thank Heaven quite well I have received a
letter from Mr Murdstone in which he mentions that he would desire me to
receive into an apartment in the rear of my house which is at present
unoccupied and is in short to be let as a in short« said the stranger
with a smile and in a burst of confidence »as a bedroom the young beginner
whom I have now the pleasure to « and the stranger waved his hand and settled
his chin in his shirtcollar
»This is Mr Micawber« said Mr Quinion to me
»Ahem« said the stranger »that is my name«
»Mr Micawber« said Mr Quinion »is known to Mr Murdstone He takes
orders for us on commission when he can get any He has been written to by Mr
Murdstone on the subject of your lodgings and he will receive you as a
lodger«
»My address« said Mr Micawber »is Windsor Terrace City Road I in
short« said Mr Micawber with the same genteel air and in another burst of
confidence »I live there«
I made him a bow
»Under the impression« said Mr Micawber »that your peregrinations in this
metropolis have not as yet been extensive and that you might have some
difficulty in penetrating the arcana of the Modern Babylon in the direction of
the City Road in short« said Mr Micawber in another burst of confidence
»that you might lose yourself I shall be happy to call this evening and
instal you in the knowledge of the nearest way«
I thanked him with all my heart for it was friendly in him to offer to take
that trouble
»At what hour« said Mr Micawber »shall I «
»At about eight« said Mr Quinion
»At about eight« said Mr Micawber »I beg to wish you good day Mr
Quinion I will intrude no longer«
So he put on his hat and went out with his cane under his arm very
upright and humming a tune when he was clear of the countinghouse
Mr Quinion then formally engaged me to be as useful as I could in the
warehouse of Murdstone and Grinby at a salary I think of six shillings a
week I am not clear whether it was six or seven I am inclined to believe from
my uncertainty on this head that it was six at first and seven afterwards He
paid me a week down from his own pocket I believe and I gave Mealy sixpence
out of it to get my trunk carried to Windsor Terrace that night it being too
heavy for my strength small as it was I paid sixpence more for my dinner
which was a meat pie and a turn at a neighbouring pump and passed the hour
which was allowed for that meal in walking about the streets
At the appointed time in the evening Mr Micawber reappeared I washed my
hands and face to do the greater honour to his gentility and we walked to our
house as I suppose I must now call it together Mr Micawber impressing the
names of streets and the shapes of corner houses upon me as we went along
that I might find my way back easily in the morning
Arrived at his house in Windsor Terrace which I noticed was shabby like
himself but also like himself made all the show it could he presented me to
Mrs Micawber a thin and faded lady not at all young who was sitting in the
parlour the first floor was altogether unfurnished and the blinds were kept
down to delude the neighbours with a baby at her breast This baby was one of
twins and I may remark here that I hardly ever in all my experience of the
family saw both the twins detached from Mrs Micawber at the same time One of
them was always taking refreshment
There were two other children Master Micawber aged about four and Miss
Micawber aged about three These and a darkcomplexioned young woman with a
habit of snorting who was servant to the family and informed me before
halfanhour had expired that she was a Orfling and came from St Lukes
workhouse in the neighbourhood completed the establishment My room was at the
top of the house at the back a close chamber stencilled all over with an
ornament which my young imagination represented as a blue muffin and very
scantily furnished
»I never thought« said Mrs Micawber when she came up twin and all to
show me the apartment and sat down to take breath »before I was married when
I lived with papa and mama that I should ever find it necessary to take a
lodger But Mr Micawber being in difficulties all considerations of private
feeling must give way«
I said »Yes maam«
»Mr Micawbers difficulties are almost overwhelming just at present« said
Mrs Micawber »and whether it is possible to bring him through them I dont
know When I lived at home with papa and mama I really should have hardly
understood what the word meant in the sense in which I now employ it but
experientia does it as papa used to say«
I cannot satisfy myself whether she told me that Mr Micawber had been an
officer in the Marines or whether I have imagined it I only know that I
believe to this hour that he was in the Marines once upon a time without
knowing why He was a sort of town traveller for a number of miscellaneous
houses now but made little or nothing of it I am afraid
»If Mr Micawbers creditors will not give him time« said Mrs Micawber
»they must take the consequences and the sooner they bring it to an issue the
better Blood cannot be obtained from a stone neither can anything on account
be obtained at present not to mention law expenses from Mr Micawber«
I never can quite understand whether my precocious selfdependence confused
Mrs Micawber in reference to my age or whether she was so full of the subject
that she would have talked about it to the very twins if there had been nobody
else to communicate with but this was the strain in which she began and she
went on accordingly all the time I knew her
Poor Mrs Micawber She said she had tried to exert herself and so I have
no doubt she had The centre of the streetdoor was perfectly covered with a
great brassplate on which was engraved »Mrs Micawbers Boarding Establishment
for Young Ladies« but I never found that any young lady had ever been to school
there or that any young lady ever came or proposed to come or that the least
preparation was ever made to receive any young lady The only visitors I ever
saw or heard of were creditors They used to come at all hours and some of
them were quite ferocious One dirtyfaced man I think he was a bootmaker
used to edge himself into the passage as early as seven oclock in the morning
and call up the stairs to Mr Micawber »Come You aint out yet you know Pay
us will you Dont hide you know thats mean I wouldnt be mean if I was
you Pay us will you You just pay us dye hear Come« Receiving no answer to
these taunts he would mount in his wrath to the words swindlers and robbers
and these being ineffectual too would sometimes go to the extremity of crossing
the street and roaring up at the windows of the second floor where he knew Mr
Micawber was At these times Mr Micawber would be transported with grief and
mortification even to the length as I was once made aware by a scream from his
wife of making motions at himself with a razor but within halfanhour
afterwards he would polish up his shoes with extraordinary pains and go out
humming a tune with a greater air of gentility than ever Mrs Micawber was
quite as elastic I have known her to be thrown into fainting fits by the kings
taxes at three oclock and to eat lambchops breaded and drink warm ale paid
for with two teaspoons that had gone to the pawnbrokers at four On one
occasion when an execution had just been put in coming home through some
chance as early as six oclock I saw her lying of course with a twin under
the grate in a swoon with her hair all torn about her face but I never knew
her more cheerful than she was that very same night over a vealcutlet before
the kitchen fire telling me stories about her papa and mama and the company
they used to keep
In this house and with tins family I passed my leisure time My own
exclusive breakfast of a penny loaf and a pennyworth of milk I provided myself
I kept another small loaf and a modicum of cheese on a particular shelf of a
particular cupboard to make my supper on when I came back at night This made a
hole in the six or seven shillings I know well and I was out at the warehouse
all day and had to support myself on that money all the week From Monday
morning until Saturday night I had no advice no counsel no encouragement no
consolation no assistance no support of any kind from any one that I can
call to mind as I hope to go to heaven
I was so young and childish and so little qualified how could I be
otherwise to undertake the whole charge of my own existence that often in
going to Murdstone and Grinbys of a morning I could not resist the stale
pastry put out for sale at halfprice at the pastrycooks doors and spent in
that the money I should have kept for my dinner Then I went without my
dinner or bought a roll or a slice of pudding I remember two puddingshops
between which I was divided according to my finances One was in a court close
to St Martins Church at the back of the church which is now removed
altogether The pudding at that shop was made of currants and was rather a
special pudding but was dear twopennyworth not being larger than a pennyworth
of more ordinary pudding A good shop for the latter was in the Strand
somewhere in that part which has been rebuilt since It was a stout pale
pudding heavy and flabby and with great flat raisins in it stuck in whole at
wide distances apart It came up hot at about my time every day and many a day
did I dine off it When I dined regularly and handsomely I had a saveloy and a
penny loaf or a fourpenny plate of red beef from a cooks shop or a plate of
bread and cheese and a glass of beer from a miserable old publichouse opposite
our place of business called the Lion or the Lion and something else that I
have forgotten Once I remember carrying my own bread which I had brought from
home in the morning under my arm wrapped in a piece of paper like a book and
going to a famous alamode beefhouse near Drury Lane and ordering a small plate
of that delicacy to eat with it What the waiter thought of such a strange
little apparition coming in all alone I dont know but I can see him now
staring at me as I ate my dinner and bringing up the other waiter to look I
gave him a halfpenny for himself and I wish he hadnt taken it
We had halfanhour I think for tea When I had money enough I used to
get halfapint of readymade coffee and a slice of bread and butter When I had
none I used to look at a venisonshop in Fleet Street or I have strolled at
such a time as far as Covent Garden Market and stared at the pineapples I
was fond of wandering about the Adelphi because it was a mysterious place with
those dark arches I see myself emerging one evening from some of these arches
on a little publichouse close to the river with an open space before it where
some coalheavers were dancing to look at whom I sat down upon a bench I
wonder what they thought of me
I was such a child and so little that frequently when I went into the bar
of a strange publichouse for a glass of ale or porter to moisten what I had
had for dinner they were afraid to give it me I remember one hot evening I
went into the bar of a publichouse and said to the landlord
»What is your best your very best ale a glass« For it was a special
occasion I dont know what It may have been my birthday
»Twopencehalfpenny« says the landlord »is the price of the Genuine
Stunning ale«
»Then« says I producing the money »just draw me a glass of the Genuine
Stunning if you please with a good head to it«
The landlord looked at me in return over the bar from head to foot with a
strange smile on his face and instead of drawing the beer looked round the
screen and said something to his wife She came out from behind it with her
work in her hand and joined him in surveying me Here we stand all three
before me now The landlord in his shirtsleeves leaning against the bar
windowframe his wife looking over the little halfdoor and I in some
confusion looking up at them from outside the partition They asked me a good
many questions as what my name was how old I was where I lived how I was
employed and how I came there To all of which that I might commit nobody I
invented I am afraid appropriate answers They served me with the ale though
I suspect it was not the Genuine Stunning and the landlords wife opening the
little halfdoor of the bar and bending down gave me my money back and gave
me a kiss that was half admiring and half compassionate but all womanly and
good I am sure
I know I do not exaggerate unconsciously and unintentionally the
scantiness of my resources or the difficulties of my life I know that if a
shilling were given me by Mr Quinion at any time I spent it in a dinner or a
tea I know that I worked from morning until night with common men and boys a
shabby child I know that I lounged about the streets insufficiently and
unsatisfactorily fed I know that but for the mercy of God I might easily have
been for any care that was taken of me a little robber or a little vagabond
Yet I held some station at Murdstone and Grinbys too Besides that Mr
Quinion did what a careless man so occupied and dealing with a thing so
anomalous could to treat me as one upon a different footing from the rest I
never said to man or boy how it was that I came to be there or gave the least
indication of being sorry that I was there That I suffered in secret and that
I suffered exquisitely no one ever knew but I How much I suffered it is as I
have said already utterly beyond my power to tell But I kept my own counsel
and I did my work I knew from the first that if I could not do my work as
well as any of the rest I could not hold myself above slight and contempt I
soon became at least as expeditious and as skilful as either of the other boys
Though perfectly familiar with them my conduct and manner were different enough
from theirs to place a space between us They and the men generally spoke of me
as the little gent or the young Suffolker A certain man named Gregory who was
foreman of the packers and another named Tipp who was the carman and wore a
red jacket used to address me sometimes as David but I think it was mostly
when we were very confidential and when I had made some efforts to entertain
them over our work with some results of the old readings which were fast
perishing out of my remembrance Mealy Potatoes uprose once and rebelled
against my being so distinguished but Mick Walker settled him in no time
My rescue from this kind of existence I considered quite hopeless and
abandoned as such altogether I am solemnly convinced that I never for one
hour was reconciled to it or was otherwise than miserably unhappy but I bore
it and even to Peggotty partly for the love of her and partly for shame never
in any letter though many passed between us revealed the truth
Mr Micawbers difficulties were an addition to the distressed state of my
mind In my forlorn state I became quite attached to the family and used to
walk about busy with Mrs Micawbers calculations of ways and means and heavy
with the weight of Mr Micawbers debts On a Saturday night which was my grand
treat partly because it was a great thing to walk home with six or seven
shillings in my pocket looking into the shops and thinking what such a sum
would buy and partly because I went home early Mrs Micawber would make the
most heartrending confidences to me also on a Sunday morning when I mixed the
portion of tea or coffee I had bought overnight in a little shavingpot and
sat late at my breakfast It was nothing at all unusual for Mr Micawber to sob
violently at the beginning of one of these Saturday night conversations and
sing about Jacks delight being his lovely Nan towards the end of it I have
known him come home to supper with a flood of tears and a declaration that
nothing was now left but a jail and go to bed making a calculation of the
expense of putting bowwindows to the house in case anything turned up which
was his favourite expression And Mrs Micawber was just the same
A curious equality of friendship originating I suppose in our respective
circumstances sprung up between me and these people notwithstanding the
ludicrous disparity in our years But I never allowed myself to be prevailed
upon to accept any invitation to eat and drink with them out of their stock
knowing that they got on badly with the butcher and baker and had often not
too much for themselves until Mrs Micawber took me into her entire
confidence This she did one evening as follows
»Master Copperfield« said Mrs Micawber »I make no stranger of you and
therefore do not hesitate to say that Mr Micawbers difficulties are coming to
a crisis«
It made me very miserable to hear it and I looked at Mrs Micawbers red
eyes with the utmost sympathy
»With the exception of the heel of a Dutch cheese which is not adapted to
the wants of a young family« said Mrs Micawber »there is really not a scrap
of anything in the larder I was accustomed to speak of the larder when I lived
with papa and mama and I use the word almost unconsciously What I mean to
express is that there is nothing to eat in the house«
»Dear me« I said in great concern
I had two or three shillings of my weeks money in my pocket from which I
presume that it must have been on a Wednesday night when we held this
conversation and I hastily produced them and with heartfelt emotion begged
Mrs Micawber to accept of them as a loan But that lady kissing me and making
me put them back in my pocket replied that she couldnt think of it
»No my dear Master Copperfield« said she »far be it from my thoughts But
you have a discretion beyond your years and can render me another kind of
service if you will and a service I will thankfully accept of«
I begged Mrs Micawber to name it
»I have parted with the plate myself« said Mrs Micawber »Six tea two
salt and a pair of sugars I have at different times borrowed money on in
secret with my own hands But the twins are a great tie and to me with my
recollections of papa and mama these transactions are very painful There are
still a few trifles that we could part with Mr Micawbers feelings would never
allow him to dispose of them and Clickett« this was the girl from the
workhouse »being of a vulgar mind would take painful liberties if so much
confidence was reposed in her Master Copperfield if I might ask you «
I understood Mrs Micawber now and begged her to make use of me to any
extent I began to dispose of the more portable articles of property that very
evening and went out on a similar expedition almost every morning before I
went to Murdstone and Grinbys
Mr Micawber had a few books on a little chiffonier which he called the
library and those went first I carried them one after another to a bookstall
in the City Road one part of which near our house was almost all bookstalls
and birdshops then and sold them for whatever they would bring The keeper of
this bookstall who lived in a little house behind it used to get tipsy every
night and to be violently scolded by his wife every morning More than once
when I went there early I had audience of him in a turnup bedstead with a cut
in his forehead or a black eye bearing witness to his excesses overnight I am
afraid he was quarrelsome in his drink and he with a shaking hand
endeavouring to find the needful shillings in one or other of the pockets of his
clothes which lay upon the floor while his wife with a baby in her arms and
her shoes down at heel never left off rating him Sometimes he had lost his
money and then he would ask me to call again but his wife had always got some
had taken his I dare say while he was drunk and secretly completed the
bargain on the stairs as we went down together
At the pawnbrokers shop too I began to be very well known The principal
gentleman who officiated behind the counter took a good deal of notice of me
and often got me I recollect to decline a Latin noun or adjective or to
conjugate a Latin verb in his ear while he transacted my business After all
these occasions Mrs Micawber made a little treat which was generally a supper
and there was a peculiar relish in these meals which I well remember
At last Mr Micawbers difficulties came to a crisis and he was arrested
early one morning and carried over to the Kings Bench Prison in the Borough
He told me as he went out of the house that the God of day had now gone down
upon him and I really thought his heart was broken and mine too But I heard
afterwards that he was seen to play a lively game at skittles before noon
On the first Sunday after he was taken there I was to go and see him and
have dinner with him I was to ask my way to such a place and just short of
that place I should see such another place and just short of that I should see
a yard which I was to cross and keep straight on until I saw a turnkey All
this I did and when at last I did see a turnkey poor little fellow that I
was and thought how when Roderick Random was in a debtors prison there was
a man there with nothing on him but an old rug the turnkey swam before my
dimmed eyes and my beating heart
Mr Micawber was waiting for me within the gate and we went up to his room
top story but one and cried very much He solemnly conjured me I remember
to take warning by his fate and to observe that if a man had twenty pounds a
year for his income and spent nineteen pounds nineteen shillings and sixpence
he would be happy but that if he spent twenty pounds one he would be miserable
After which he borrowed a shilling of me for porter gave me a written order on
Mrs Micawber for the amount and put away his pockethandkerchief and cheered
up
We sat before a little fire with two bricks put within the rusted grate
one on each side to prevent its burning too many coals until another debtor
who shared the room with Mr Micawber came in from the bakehouse with the loin
of mutton which was our jointstock repast Then I was sent up to Captain
Hopkins in the room overhead with Mr Micawbers compliments and I was his
young friend and would Captain Hopkins lend me a knife and fork
Captain Hopkins lent me the knife and fork with his compliments to Mr
Micawber There was a very dirty lady in his little room and two wan girls his
daughters with shock heads of hair I thought it was better to borrow Captain
Hopkinss knife and fork than Captain Hopkinss comb The Captain himself was
in the last extremity of shabbiness with large whiskers and an old old brown
greatcoat with no other coat below it I saw his bed rolled up in a corner and
what plates and dishes and pots he had on a shelf and I divined God knows
how that though the two girls with the shock heads of hair were Captain
Hopkinss children the dirty lady was not married to Captain Hopkins My timid
station on his threshold was not occupied more than a couple of minutes at
most but I came down again with all this in my knowledge as surely as the
knife and fork were in my hand
There was something gipsylike and agreeable in the dinner after all I
took back Captain Hopkinss knife and fork early in the afternoon and went home
to comfort Mrs Micawber with an account of my visit She fainted when she saw
me return and made a little jug of egghot afterwards to console us while we
talked it over
I dont know how the household furniture came to be sold for the family
benefit or who sold it except that I did not Sold it was however and
carried away in a van except the bed a few chairs and the kitchentable With
these possessions we encamped as it were in the two parlours of the emptied
house in Windsor Terrace Mrs Micawber the children the Orfling and myself
and lived in those rooms night and day I have no idea for how long though it
seems to me for a long time At last Mrs Micawber resolved to move into the
prison where Mr Micawber had now secured a room to himself So I took the key
of the house to the landlord who was very glad to get it and the beds were
sent over to the Kings Bench except mine for which a little room was hired
outside the walls in the neighbourhood of that Institution very much to my
satisfaction since the Micawbers and I had become too used to one another, in
our troubles to part The Orfling was likewise accommodated with an inexpensive
lodging in the same neighbourhood Mine was a quiet backgarret with a sloping
roof commanding a pleasant prospect of a timberyard and when I took
possession of it with the reflection that Mr Micawbers troubles had come to a
crisis at last I thought it quite a paradise
All this time I was working at Murdstone and Grinbys in the same common
way and with the same common companions and with the same sense of unmerited
degradation as at first But I never happily for me no doubt made a single
acquaintance or spoke to any of the many boys whom I saw daily in going to the
warehouse in coming from it and in prowling about the streets at mealtimes I
led the same secretly unhappy life but I led it in the same lonely
selfreliant manner The only changes I am conscious of are firstly that I had
grown more shabby and secondly that I was now relieved of much of the weight
of Mr and Mrs Micawbers cares for some relatives or friends had engaged to
help them at their present pass and they lived more comfortably in the prison
than they had lived for a long while out of it I used to breakfast with them
now in virtue of some arrangement of which I have forgotten the details I
forget too at what hour the gates were opened in the morning admitting of my
going in but I know that I was often up at six oclock and that my favourite
loungingplace in the interval was old London Bridge where I was wont to sit in
one of the stone recesses watching the people going by or to look over the
balustrades at the sun shining in the water and lighting up the golden flame on
the top of the Monument The Orfling met me here sometimes to be told some
astonishing fictions respecting the wharves and the Tower of which I can say no
more than that I hope I believed them myself In the evening I used to go back
to the prison and walk up and down the parade with Mr Micawber or play casino
with Mrs Micawber and hear reminiscences of her papa and mama Whether Mr
Murdstone knew where I was I am unable to say I never told them at Murdstone
and Grinbys
Mr Micawbers affairs although past their crisis were very much involved
by reason of a certain Deed of which I used to hear a great deal and which I
suppose now to have been some former composition with his creditors though I
was so far from being clear about it then that I am conscious of having
confounded it with those demoniacal parchments which are held to have once upon
a time obtained to a great extent in Germany At last this document appeared to
be got out of the way somehow at all events it ceased to be the rock ahead it
had been and Mrs Micawber informed me that her family had decided that Mr
Micawber should apply for his release under the Insolvent Debtors Act which
would set him free she expected in about six weeks
»And then« said Mr Micawber who was present »I have no doubt I shall
please Heaven begin to be beforehand with the world and to live in a perfectly
new manner if in short if anything turns up«
By way of going in for anything that might be on the cards I call to mind
that Mr Micawber about this time composed a petition to the House of Commons
praying for an alteration in the law of imprisonment for debt I set down this
remembrance here because it is an instance to myself of the manner in which I
fitted my old books to my altered life and made stories for myself out of the
streets and out of men and women and how some main points in the character I
shall unconsciously develop I suppose in writing my life were gradually
forming all this while
There was a club in the prison in which Mr Micawber as a gentleman was a
great authority Mr Micawber had stated his idea of this petition to the club
and the club had strongly approved of the same Wherefore Mr Micawber who was
a thoroughly goodnatured man and as active a creature about everything but his
own affairs as ever existed and never so happy as when he was busy about
something that could never be of any profit to him set to work at the petition
invented it engrossed it on an immense sheet of paper spread it out on a
table and appointed a time for all the club and all within the walls if they
chose to come up to his room and sign it
When I heard of this approaching ceremony I was so anxious to see them all
come in one after another though I knew the greater part of them already and
they me that I got an hours leave of absence from Murdstone and Grinbys and
established myself in a corner for that purpose As many of the principal
members of the club as could be got into the small room without filling it
supported Mr Micawber in front of the petition while my old friend Captain
Hopkins who had washed himself to do honour to so solemn an occasion
stationed himself close to it to read it to all who were unacquainted with its
contents The door was then thrown open and the general population began to
come in in a long file several waiting outside while one entered affixed his
signature and went out To everybody in succession Captain Hopkins said »Have
you read it« »No« »Would you like to hear it read« If he weakly showed the
least disposition to hear it Captain Hopkins in a loud sonorous voice gave
him every word of it The Captain would have read it twenty thousand times if
twenty thousand people would have heard him one by one I remember a certain
luscious roll he gave to such phrases as »The peoples representatives in
Parliament assembled« »Your petitioners therefore humbly approach your
honourable house« »His gracious Majestys unfortunate subjects« as if the
words were something real in his mouth and delicious to taste Mr Micawber
meanwhile listening with a little of an authors vanity and contemplating not
severely the spikes on the opposite wall
As I walked to and fro daily between Southwark and Blackfriars and lounged
about at mealtimes in obscure streets the stones of which may for anything I
know be worn at this moment by my childish feet I wonder how many of these
people were wanting in the crowd that used to come filing before me in review
again to the echo of Captain Hopkinss voice When my thoughts go back now to
that slow agony of my youth I wonder how much of the histories I invented for
such people hangs like a mist of fancy over wellremembered facts When I tread
the old ground I do not wonder that I seem to see and pity going on before me
an innocent romantic boy making his imaginative world out of such strange
experiences and sordid things
Chapter XII
Liking Life on My Own Account no Better I Form a Great Resolution
In due time Mr Micawbers petition was ripe for hearing and that gentleman
was ordered to be discharged under the act to my great joy His creditors were
not implacable and Mrs Micawber informed me that even the revengeful
bootmaker had declared in open court that he bore him no malice but that when
money was owing to him he liked to be paid He said he thought it was human
nature
Mr Micawber returned to the Kings Bench when his case was over as some
fees were to be settled and some formalities observed before he could be
actually released The club received him with transport and held an harmonic
meeting that evening in his honour while Mrs Micawber and I had a lambs fry
in private surrounded by the sleeping family
»On such an occasion I will give you Master Copperfield« said Mrs
Micawber »in a little more flip« for we had been having some already »the
memory of my papa and mama«
»Are they dead maam« I enquired after drinking the toast in a
wineglass
»My mama departed this life« said Mrs Micawber »before Mr Micawbers
difficulties commenced or at least before they became pressing My papa lived
to bail Mr Micawber several times and then expired regretted by a numerous
circle«
Mrs Micawber shook her head and dropped a pious tear upon the twin who
happened to be in hand
As I could hardly hope for a more favourable opportunity of putting a
question in which I had a near interest I said to Mrs Micawber
»May I ask maam what you and Mr Micawber intend to do now that Mr
Micawber is out of his difficulties and at liberty Have you settled yet«
»My family« said Mrs Micawber who always said those two words with an
air though I never could discover who came under the denomination »my family
are of opinion that Mr Micawber should quit London and exert his talents in
the country Mr Micawber is a man of great talent Master Copperfield«
I said I was sure of that
»Of great talent« repeated Mrs Micawber »My family are of opinion that
with a little interest something might be done for a man of his ability in the
Custom House The influence of my family being local it is their wish that Mr
Micawber should go down to Plymouth They think it indispensable that he should
be upon the spot«
»That he may be ready« I suggested
»Exactly« returned Mrs Micawber »That he may be ready in case of
anything turning up«
»And do you go too maam«
The events of the day in combination with the twins if not with the flip
had made Mrs Micawber hysterical and she shed tears as she replied
»I never will desert Mr Micawber Mr Micawber may have concealed his
difficulties from me in the first instance, but his sanguine temper may have led
him to expect that he would overcome them The pearl necklace and bracelets
which I inherited from mama have been disposed of for less than half their
value and the set of coral which was the wedding gift of my papa has been
actually thrown away for nothing But I never will desert Mr Micawber No«
cried Mrs Micawber more affected than before »I never will do it Its of no
use asking me«
I felt quite uncomfortable as if Mrs Micawber supposed I had asked her to
do anything of the sort and sat looking at her in alarm
»Mr Micawber has his faults I do not deny that he is improvident I do not
deny that he has kept me in the dark as to his resources and his liabilities
both« she went on looking at the wall »but I never will desert Mr Micawber«
Mrs Micawber having now raised her voice into a perfect scream I was so
frightened that I ran off to the clubroom and disturbed Mr Micawber in the
act of presiding at a long table and leading the chorus of
Gee up Dobbin
Gee ho Dobbin
Gee up Dobbin
Gee up and gee hooo
with the tidings that Mrs Micawber was in an alarming state upon which he
immediately burst into tears and came away with me with his waistcoat full of
the heads and tails of shrimps of which he had been partaking
»Emma my angel« cried Mr Micawber running into the room »what is the
matter«
»I never will desert you Micawber« she exclaimed
»My life« said Mr Micawber taking her in his arms »I am perfectly aware
of it«
»He is the parent of my children He is the father of my twins He is the
husband of my affections« cried Mrs Micawber struggling »and I ne ver
will desert Mr Micawber«
Mr Micawber was so deeply affected by this proof of her devotion as to me
I was dissolved in tears that he hung over her in a passionate manner
imploring her to look up and to be calm But the more he asked Mrs Micawber to
look up the more she fixed her eyes on nothing and the more he asked her to
compose herself the more she wouldnt Consequently Mr Micawber was soon so
overcome that he mingled his tears with hers and mine until he begged me to do
him the favour of taking a chair on the staircase while he got her into bed I
would have taken my leave for the night but he would not hear of my doing that
until the strangers bell should ring So I sat at the staircase window until
he came out with another chair and joined me
»How is Mrs Micawber now sir« I said
»Very low« said Mr Micawber shaking his hand »reaction Ah this has
been a dreadful day We stand alone now everything is gone from us«
Mr Micawber pressed my hand and groaned and afterwards shed tears I was
greatly touched and disappointed too for I had expected that we should be
quite gay on this happy and longlookedfor occasion But Mr and Mrs Micawber
were so used to their old difficulties I think that they felt quite
shipwrecked when they came to consider that they were released from them All
their elasticity was departed and I never saw them half so wretched as on this
night insomuch that when the bell rang and Mr Micawber walked with me to the
lodge and parted from me there with a blessing I felt quite afraid to leave
him by himself he was so profoundly miserable
But through all the confusion and lowness of spirits in which we had been
so unexpectedly to me involved I plainly discerned that Mr and Mrs Micawber
and their family were going away from London and that a parting between us was
near at hand It was in my walk home that night and in the sleepless hours
which followed when I lay in bed that the thought first occurred to me though
I dont know how it came into my head which afterwards shaped itself into a
settled resolution
I had grown to be so accustomed to the Micawbers and had been so intimate
with them in their distresses and was so utterly friendless without them that
the prospect of being thrown upon some new shift for a lodging and going once
more among unknown people was like being that moment turned adrift into my
present life with such a knowledge of it ready made as experience had given
me All the sensitive feelings it wounded so cruelly all the shame and misery
it kept alive within my breast became more poignant as I thought of this and I
determined that the life was unendurable
That there was no hope of escape from it unless the escape was my own act
I knew quite well I rarely heard from Miss Murdstone and never from Mr
Murdstone but two or three parcels of made or mended clothes had come up for
me consigned to Mr Quinion and in each there was a scrap of paper to the
effect that J M trusted D C was applying himself to business and devoting
himself wholly to his duties not the least hint of my ever being anything else
than the common drudge into which I was fast settling down
The very next day showed me while my mind was in the first agitation of
what it had conceived that Mrs Micawber had not spoken of their going away
without warrant They took a lodging in the house where I lived for a week at
the expiration of which time they were to start for Plymouth Mr Micawber
himself came down to the countinghouse in the afternoon to tell Mr Quinion
that he must relinquish me on the day of his departure and to give me a high
character which I am sure I deserved And Mr Quinion calling in Tipp the
carman who was a married man and had a room to let quartered me prospectively
on him by our mutual consent as he had every reason to think for I said
nothing though my resolution was now taken
I passed my evenings with Mr and Mrs Micawber during the remaining term
of our residence under the same roof and I think we became fonder of one
another as the time went on On the last Sunday they invited me to dinner and
we had a loin of pork and apple sauce and a pudding I had bought a spotted
wooden horse overnight as a parting gift to little Wilkins Micawber that was
the boy and a doll for little Emma I had also bestowed a shilling on the
Orfling who was about to be disbanded
We had a very pleasant day though we were all in a tender state about our
approaching separation
»I shall never Master Copperfield« said Mrs Micawber »revert to the
period when Mr Micawber was in difficulties without thinking of you Your
conduct has always been of the most delicate and obliging description You have
never been a lodger You have been a friend«
»My dear« said Mr Micawber »Copperfield« for so he had been accustomed
to call me of late »has a heart to feel for the distresses of his
fellowcreatures when they are behind a cloud and a head to plan and a hand to
in short a general ability to dispose of such available property as could be
made away with«
I expressed my sense of this commendation and said I was very sorry we were
going to lose one another.
»My dear young friend« said Mr Micawber »I am older than you a man of
some experience in life and and of some experience in short in
difficulties generally speaking At present and until something turns up
which I am I may say hourly expecting I have nothing to bestow but advice
Still my advice is so far worth taking that in short that I have never taken
it myself and am the« here Mr Micawber who had been beaming and smiling
all over his head and face up to the present moment checked himself and
frowned »the miserable wretch you behold«
»My dear Micawber« urged his wife
»I say« returned Mr Micawber quite forgetting himself and smiling again
»the miserable wretch you behold My advice is never do tomorrow what you can
do today Procrastination is the thief of time Collar him«
»My poor papas maxim« Mrs Micawber observed
»My dear« said Mr Micawber »your papa was very well in his way and
Heaven forbid that I should disparage him Take him for all in all we neer
shall in short make the acquaintance probably of anybody else possessing
at his time of life the same legs for gaiters and able to read the same
description of print without spectacles But he applied that maxim to our
marriage my dear and that was so far prematurely entered into in consequence
that I never recovered the expense«
Mr Micawber looked aside at Mrs Micawber and added »Not that I am sorry
for it Quite the contrary my love« After which he was grave for a minute or
so
»My other piece of advice Copperfield« said Mr Micawber »you know
Annual income twenty pounds annual expenditure nineteen nineteen six result
happiness Annual income twenty pounds annual expenditure twenty pounds ought
and six result misery The blossom is blighted the leaf is withered the God
of day goes down upon the dreary scene and and in short you are for ever
floored As I am«
To make his example the more impressive Mr Micawber drank a glass of punch
with an air of great enjoyment and satisfaction and whistled the College
Hornpipe
I did not fail to assure him that I would store these precepts in my mind
though indeed I had no need to do so for at the time they affected me
visibly Next morning I met the whole family at the coachoffice and saw them
with a desolate heart take their places outside at the back
»Master Copperfield« said Mrs Micawber »God bless you I never can forget
all that you know and I never would if I could«
»Copperfield« said Mr Micawber »farewell Every happiness and prosperity
If in the progress of revolving years I could persuade myself that my blighted
destiny had been a warning to you I should feel that I had not occupied another
mans place in existence altogether in vain In case of anything turning up of
which I am rather confident I shall be extremely happy if it should be in my
power to improve your prospects«
I think as Mrs Micawber sat at the back of the coach with the children
and I stood in the road looking wistfully at them a mist cleared from her eyes
and she saw what a little creature I really was I think so because she
beckoned to me to climb up with quite a new and motherly expression in her
face and put her arm round my neck and gave me just such a kiss as she might
have given to her own boy I had barely time to get down again before the coach
started and I could hardly see the family for the handkerchiefs they waved It
was gone in a minute The Orfling and I stood looking vacantly at each other in
the middle of the road and then shook hands and said goodbye she going back
I suppose to St Lukes workhouse as I went to begin my weary day at Murdstone
and Grinbys
But with no intention of passing many more weary days there No I had
resolved to run away To go by some means or other down into the country to
the only relation I had in the world and tell my story to my aunt Miss Betsey
I have already observed that I dont know how this desperate idea came into
my brain But once there it remained there and hardened into a purpose than
which I have never entertained a more determined purpose in my life I am far
from sure that I believed there was anything hopeful in it but my mind was
thoroughly made up that it must be carried into execution
Again and again and a hundred times again since the night when the
thought had first occurred to me and banished sleep I had gone over that old
story of my poor mothers about my birth which it had been one of my great
delights in the old time to hear her tell and which I knew by heart My aunt
walked into that story and walked out of it a dread and awful personage but
there was one little trait in her behaviour which I liked to dwell on and which
gave me some faint shadow of encouragement I could not forget how my mother had
thought that she felt her touch her pretty hair with no ungentle hand and
though it might have been altogether my mothers fancy and might have had no
foundation whatever in fact I made a little picture out of it of my terrible
aunt relenting towards the girlish beauty that I recollected so well and loved
so much which softened the whole narrative It is very possible that it had
been in my mind a long time and had gradually engendered my determination
As I did not even know where Miss Betsey lived I wrote a long letter to
Peggotty and asked her incidentally if she remembered pretending that I had
heard of such a lady living at a certain place I named at random and had a
curiosity to know if it were the same In the course of that letter I told
Peggotty that I had a particular occasion for half a guinea and that if she
could lend me that sum until I could repay it I should be very much obliged to
her and would tell her afterwards what I had wanted it for
Peggottys answer soon arrived and was as usual full of affectionate
devotion She enclosed the halfguinea I was afraid she must have had a world
of trouble to get it out of Mr Barkiss box and told me that Miss Betsey
lived near Dover but whether at Dover itself at Hythe Sandgate or
Folkestone she could not say One of our men however informing me on my
asking him about these places that they were all close together I deemed this
enough for my object and resolved to set out at the end of that week
Being a very honest little creature and unwilling to disgrace the memory I
was going to leave behind me at Murdstone and Grinbys I considered myself
bound to remain until Saturday night and as I had been paid a weeks wages in
advance when I first came there not to present myself in the countinghouse at
the usual hour to receive my stipend For this express reason I had borrowed
the halfguinea that I might not be without a fund for my travelling expenses
Accordingly when the Saturday night came and we were all waiting in the
warehouse to be paid and Tipp the carman who always took precedence went in
first to draw his money I shook Mick Walker by the hand asked him when it
came to his turn to be paid to say to Mr Quinion that I had gone to move my
box to Tipps and bidding a last good night to Mealy Potatoes ran away
My box was at my old lodging over the water and I had written a direction
for it on the back of one of our address cards that we nailed on the casks
»Master David to be left till called for at the Coach Office Dover« This I
had in my pocket ready to put on the box after I should have got it out of the
house and as I went towards my lodging I looked about me for some one who
would help me to carry it to the bookingoffice
There was a longlegged young man with a very little empty donkeycart
standing near the Obelisk in the Blackfriars Road whose eye I caught as I was
going by and who addressing me as »Sixpennorth of bad hapence« hoped »I
should know him agin to swear to« in allusion I have no doubt to my staring
at him I stopped to assure him that I had not done so in bad manners but
uncertain whether he might or might not like a job
»Wot job« said the longlegged young man
»To move a box« I answered
»Wot box« said the longlegged young man
I told him mine which was down that street there and which I wanted him to
take to the Dover coachoffice for sixpence
»Done with you for a tanner« said the longlegged young man and directly
got upon his cart which was nothing but a large wooden tray on wheels and
rattled away at such a rate that it was as much as I could do to keep pace with
the donkey
There was a defiant manner about this young man and particularly about the
way in which he chewed straw as he spoke to me that I did not much like as the
bargain was made however I took him upstairs to the room I was leaving and
we brought the box down and put it on his cart Now I was unwilling to put the
directioncard on there lest any of my landlords family should fathom what I
was doing and detain me so I said to the young man that I would be glad if he
would stop for a minute when he came to the deadwall of the Kings Bench
prison The words were no sooner out of my mouth than he rattled away as if he
my box the cart and the donkey were all equally mad and I was quite out of
breath with running and calling after him when I caught him at the place
appointed
Being much flushed and excited I tumbled my halfguinea out of my pocket in
pulling the card out I put it in my mouth for safety and though my hands
trembled a good deal had just tied the card on very much to my satisfaction
when I felt myself violently chucked under the chin by the longlegged young
man and saw my halfguinea fly out of my mouth into his hand
»Wot« said the young man seizing me by my jacket collar with a frightful
grin »This is a pollis case is it Youre a going to bolt are you Come to
the pollis you young warmin come to the pollis«
»You give me my money back if you please« said I very much frightened
»and leave me alone«
»Come to the pollis« said the young man »You shall prove it yourn to the
pollis«
»Give me my box and money will you« I cried bursting into tears
The young man still replied »Come to the pollis« and was dragging me
against the donkey in a violent manner as if there were any affinity between
that animal and a magistrate when he changed his mind jumped into the cart
sat upon my box and exclaiming that he would drive to the pollis straight
rattled away harder than ever
I ran after him as fast as I could but I had no breath to call out with
and should not have dared to call out now if I had I narrowly escaped being
run over twenty times at least in half a mile Now I lost him now I saw him
now I lost him now I was cut at with a whip now shouted at now down in the
mud now up again now running into somebodys arms now running headlong at a
post At length confused by fright and heat and doubting whether half London
might not by this time be turning out for my apprehension I left the young man
to go where he would with my box and money and panting and crying but never
stopping faced about for Greenwich which I had understood was on the Dover
Road taking very little more out of the world towards the retreat of my aunt
Miss Betsey than I had brought into it on the night when my arrival gave her
so much umbrage
Chapter XIII
The Sequel of My Resolution
For anything I know I may have had some wild idea of running all the way to
Dover when I gave up the pursuit of the young man with the donkeycart and
started for Greenwich My scattered senses were soon collected as to that point
if I had for I came to a stop in the Kent Road at a terrace with a piece of
water before it and a great foolish image in the middle blowing a dry shell
Here I sat down on a doorstep quite spent and exhausted with the efforts I had
already made and with hardly breath enough to cry for the loss of my box and
halfguinea
It was by this time dark I heard the clocks strike ten as I sat resting
But it was a summer night fortunately and fine weather When I had recovered
my breath and had got rid of a stifling sensation in my throat I rose up and
went on In the midst of my distress I had no notion of going back I doubt if
I should have had any though there had been a Swiss snowdrift in the Kent
Road
But my standing possessed of only threehalfpence in the world and I am
sure I wonder how they came to be left in my pocket on a Saturday night
troubled me none the less because I went on I began to picture to myself as a
scrap of newspaper intelligence my being found dead in a day or two under some
hedge and I trudged on miserably though as fast as I could until I happened
to pass a little shop where it was written up that ladies and gentlemens
wardrobes were bought and that the best price was given for rags bones and
kitchenstuff The master of this shop was sitting at the door in his
shirtsleeves smoking and as there were a great many coats and pairs of
trousers dangling from the low ceiling and only two feeble candles burning
inside to show what they were I fancied that he looked like a man of a
revengeful disposition who had hung all his enemies and was enjoying himself
My late experiences with Mr and Mrs Micawber suggested to me that here
might be a means of keeping off the wolf for a little while I went up the next
byestreet took off my waistcoat rolled it neatly under my arm and came back
to the shopdoor »If you please sir« I said »I am to sell this for a fair
price«
Mr Dolloby Dolloby was the name over the shopdoor at least took the
waistcoat stood his pipe on its head against the doorpost went into the shop
followed by me snuffed the two candles with his fingers spread the waistcoat
on the counter and looked at it there held it up against the light and looked
at it there and ultimately said
»What do you call a price now for this here little weskit«
»Oh you know best sir« I returned modestly
»I cant be buyer and seller too« said Mr Dolloby »Put a price on this
here little weskit«
»Would eighteenpence be« I hinted after some hesitation
Mr Dolloby rolled it up again and gave it me back »I should rob my
family« he said »if I was to offer ninepence for it«
This was a disagreeable way of putting the business because it imposed upon
me a perfect stranger the unpleasantness of asking Mr Dolloby to rob his
family on my account My circumstances being so very pressing however I said I
would take ninepence for it if he pleased Mr Dolloby not without some
grumbling gave ninepence I wished him good night and walked out of the shop
the richer by that sum and the poorer by a waistcoat But when I buttoned my
jacket that was not much
Indeed I foresaw pretty clearly that my jacket would go next and that I
should have to make the best of my way to Dover in a shirt and a pair of
trousers and might deem myself lucky if I got there even in that trim But my
mind did not run so much on this as might be supposed Beyond a general
impression of the distance before me and of the young man with the donkeycart
having used me cruelly I think I had no very urgent sense of my difficulties
when I once again set off with my ninepence in my pocket
A plan had occurred to me for passing the night which I was going to carry
into execution This was to lie behind the wall at the back of my old school
in a corner where there used to be a haystack I imagined it would be a kind of
company to have the boys and the bedroom where I used to tell the stories so
near me although the boys would know nothing of my being there and the bedroom
would yield me no shelter
I had had a hard days work and was pretty well jaded when I came climbing
out at last upon the level of Blackheath It cost me some trouble to find out
Salem House but I found it and I found a haystack in the corner and I lay
down by it having first walked round the wall and looked up at the windows
and seen that all was dark and silent within Never shall I forget the lonely
sensation of first lying down without a roof above my head
Sleep came upon me as it came on many other outcasts against whom
housedoors were locked and housedogs barked that night and I dreamed of
lying on my old schoolbed talking to the boys in my room and found myself
sitting upright with Steerforths name upon my lips looking wildly at the
stars that were glistening and glimmering above me When I remembered where I
was at that untimely hour a feeling stole upon me that made me get up afraid
of I dont know what and walk about But the fainter glimmering of the stars
and the pale light in the sky where the day was coming reassured me and my
eyes being very heavy I lay down again and slept though with a knowledge in
my sleep that it was cold until the warm beams of the sun and the ringing of
the gettingup bell at Salem House awoke me If I could have hoped that
Steerforth was there I would have lurked about until he came out alone but I
knew he must have left long since Traddles still remained perhaps but it was
very doubtful and I had not sufficient confidence in his discretion or good
luck however strong my reliance was on his goodnature to wish to trust him
with my situation So I crept away from the wall as Mr Creakles boys were
getting up and struck into the long dusty track which I had first known to be
the Dover Road when I was one of them and when I little expected that any eyes
would ever see me the wayfarer I was now upon it
What a different Sunday morning from the old Sunday morning at Yarmouth In
due time I heard the churchbells ringing as I plodded on and I met people who
were going to church and I passed a church or two where the congregation were
inside and the sound of singing came out into the sunshine while the beadle
sat and cooled himself in the shade of the porch or stood beneath the yewtree
with his hand to his forehead glowering at me going by But the peace and rest
of the old Sunday morning were on everything except me That was the
difference I felt quite wicked in my dirt and dust with my tangled hair But
for the quiet picture I had conjured up of my mother in her youth and beauty
weeping by the fire and my aunt relenting to her I hardly think I should have
had the courage to go on until next day But it always went before me and I
followed
I got that Sunday through threeandtwenty miles on the straight road
though not very easily for I was new to that kind of toil I see myself as
evening closes in coming over the bridge at Rochester footsore and tired and
eating bread that I had bought for supper One or two little houses with the
notice Lodgings for Travellers hanging out had tempted me but I was afraid
of spending the few pence I had and was even more afraid of the vicious looks
of the trampers I had met or overtaken I sought no shelter therefore but the
sky and toiling into Chatham which in that nights aspect is a mere dream
of chalk and drawbridges and mastless ships in a muddy river roofed like
Noahs arks crept at last upon a sort of grassgrown battery overhanging a
lane where a sentry was walking to and fro Here I lay down near a cannon
and happy in the society of the sentrys footsteps though he knew no more of
my being above him than the boys at Salem House had known of my lying by the
wall slept soundly until morning
Very stiff and sore of foot I was in the morning and quite dazed by the
beating of drums and marching of troops which seemed to hem me in on every side
when I went down towards the long narrow street Feeling that I could go but a
very little way that day if I were to reserve any strength for getting to my
journeys end I resolved to make the sale of my jacket its principal business
Accordingly I took the jacket off that I might learn to do without it and
carrying it under my arm began a tour of inspection of the various slopshops
It was a likely place to sell a jacket in for the dealers in secondhand
clothes were numerous and were generally speaking on the lookout for
customers at their shopdoors But as most of them had hanging up among their
stock an officers coat or two epaulettes and all I was rendered timid by the
costly nature of their dealings and walked about for a long time without
offering my merchandise to any one
This modesty of mine directed my attention to the marinestore shops and
such shops as Mr Dollobys in preference to the regular dealers At last I
found one that I thought looked promising at the corner of a dirty lane ending
in an inclosure full of stingingnettles against the palings of which some
secondhand sailors clothes that seemed to have overflowed the shop were
fluttering among some cots and rusty guns and oilskin hats and certain trays
full of so many old rusty keys of so many sizes that they seemed various enough
to open all the doors in the world
Into this shop which was low and small and which was darkened rather than
lighted by a little window overhung with clothes and was descended into by
some steps I went with a palpitating heart which was not relieved when an ugly
old man with the lower part of his face all covered with a stubbly grey beard
rushed out of a dirty den behind it and seized me by the hair of my head He
was a dreadful old man to look at in a filthy flannel waistcoat and smelling
terribly of rum His bedstead covered with a tumbled and ragged piece of
patchwork was in the den he had come from where another little window showed a
prospect of more stingingnettles and a lame donkey
»Oh what do you want« grinned this old man in a fierce monotonous whine
»Oh my eyes and limbs what do you want Oh my lungs and liver what do you
want Oh goroo goroo«
I was so much dismayed by these words and particularly by the repetition of
the last unknown one which was a kind of rattle in his throat that I could
make no answer hereupon the old man still holding me by the hair repeated
»Oh what do you want Oh my eyes and limbs what do you want Oh my lungs
and liver what do you want Oh goroo« which he screwed out of himself with
an energy that made his eyes start in his head
»I wanted to know« I said trembling »if you would buy a jacket«
»Oh lets see the jacket« cried the old man »Oh my heart on fire show
the jacket to us Oh my eyes and limbs bring the jacket out«
With that he took his trembling hands which were like the claws of a great
bird out of my hair and put on a pair of spectacles not at all ornamental to
his inflamed eyes
»Oh how much for the jacket« cried the old man after examining it »Oh
goroo how much for the jacket«
»Halfacrown« I answered recovering myself
»Oh my lungs and liver« cried the old man »no Oh my eyes no Oh my
limbs no Eighteenpence Goroo«
Every time he uttered this ejaculation his eyes seemed to be in danger of
starting out and every sentence he spoke he delivered in a sort of tune
always exactly the same and more like a gust of wind which begins low mounts
up high and falls again than any other comparison I can find for it
»Well« said I glad to have closed the bargain »Ill take eighteenpence«
»Oh my liver« cried the old man throwing the jacket on a shelf »Get out
of the shop Oh my lungs get out of the shop Oh my eyes and limbs goroo
dont ask for money make it an exchange«
I never was so frightened in my life before or since but I told him humbly
that I wanted money and that nothing else was of any use to me but that I
would wait for it as he desired outside and had no wish to hurry him So I
went outside and sat down in the shade in a corner And I sat there so many
hours that the shade became sunlight and the sunlight became shade again and
still I sat there waiting for the money
There never was such another drunken madman in that line of business I
hope That he was well known in the neighbourhood and enjoyed the reputation of
having sold himself to the devil I soon understood from the visits he received
from the boys who continually came skirmishing about the shop shouting that
legend and calling to him to bring out his gold »You aint poor you know
Charley as you pretend Bring out your gold Bring out some of the gold you
sold yourself to the devil for Come Its in the lining of the mattress
Charley Rip it open and lets have some« This and many offers to lend him a
knife for the purpose exasperated him to such a degree that the whole day was
a succession of rushes on his part and flights on the part of the boys
Sometimes in his rage he would take me for one of them and come at me mouthing
as if he were going to tear me in pieces then remembering me just in time
would dive into the shop and lie upon his bed as I thought from the sound of
his voice yelling in a frantic way to his own windy tune the Death of Nelson
with an Oh before every line and innumerable Goroos interspersed As if this
were not bad enough for me the boys connecting me with the establishment on
account of the patience and perseverance with which I sat outside halfdressed
pelted me and used me very ill all day
He made many attempts to induce me to consent to an exchange at one time
coming out with a fishingrod at another with a fiddle at another with a
cocked hat at another with a flute But I resisted all these overtures and sat
there in desperation each time asking him with tears in my eyes for my money
or my jacket At last he began to pay me in halfpence at a time and was full
two hours getting by easy stages to a shilling
»Oh my eyes and limbs« he then cried peeping hideously out of the shop
after a long pause »will you go for twopence more«
»I cant« I said »I shall be starved«
»Oh my lungs and liver will you go for threepence«
»I would go for nothing if I could« I said »but I want the money badly«
»Oh go roo« it is really impossible to express how he twisted this
ejaculation out of himself as he peeped round the doorpost at me showing
nothing but his crafty old head »will you go for fourpence«
I was so faint and weary that I closed with this offer and taking the money
out of his claw not without trembling went away more hungry and thirsty than I
had ever been a little before sunset But at an expense of threepence I soon
refreshed myself completely and being in better spirits then limped seven
miles upon my road
My bed at night was under another haystack where I rested comfortably
after having washed my blistered feet in a stream and dressed them as well as I
was able with some cool leaves When I took the road again next morning I
found that it lay through a succession of hopgrounds and orchards It was
sufficiently late in the year for the orchards to be ruddy with ripe apples and
in a few places the hoppickers were already at work I thought it all extremely
beautiful and made up my mind to sleep among the hops that night imagining
some cheerful companionship in the long perspectives of poles with the graceful
leaves twining round them
The trampers were worse than ever that day and inspired me with a dread
that is yet quite fresh in my mind Some of them were most ferociouslooking
ruffians who stared at me as I went by and stopped perhaps and called after
me to come back and speak to them and when I took to my heels stoned me I
recollect one young fellow a tinker I suppose from his wallet and brazier
who had a woman with him and who faced about and stared at me thus and then
roared to me in such a tremendous voice to come back that I halted and looked
round
»Come here when youre called« said the tinker »or Ill rip your young
body open«
I thought it best to go back As I drew nearer to them trying to propitiate
the tinker by my looks I observed that the woman had a black eye
»Where are you going« said the tinker gripping the bosom of my shirt with
his blackened hand
»I am going to Dover« I said
»Where do you come from« asked the tinker giving his hand another turn in
my shirt to hold me more securely
»I come from London« I said
»What lay are you upon« asked the tinker »Are you a prig«
»Nno« I said
»Aint you by G If you make a brag of your honesty to me« said the
tinker »Ill knock your brains out«
With his disengaged hand he made a menace of striking me and then looked at
me from head to foot
»Have you got the price of a pint of beer about you« said the tinker »If
you have out with it afore I take it away«
I should certainly have produced it but that I met the womans look and
saw her very slightly shake her head and form »No« with her lips
»I am very poor« I said attempting to smile »and have got no money«
»Why what do you mean« said the tinker looking so sternly at me that I
almost feared he saw the money in my pocket
»Sir« I stammered
»What do you mean« said the tinker »by wearing my brothers silk
handkercher Give it over here« And he had mine off my neck in a moment and
tossed it to the woman
The woman burst into a fit of laughter as if she thought this a joke and
tossed it back to me nodded once as slightly as before and made the word
»Go« with her lips Before I could obey however the tinker seized the
handkerchief out of my hand with a roughness that threw me away like a feather
and putting it loosely round his own neck turned upon the woman with an oath
and knocked her down I never shall forget seeing her fall backward on the hard
road and lie there with her bonnet tumbled off and her hair all whitened in
the dust nor when I looked back from a distance seeing her sitting on the
pathway which was a bank by the roadside wiping the blood from her face with a
corner of her shawl while he went on ahead
This adventure frightened me so that afterwards when I saw any of these
people coming I turned back until I could find a hidingplace where I remained
until they had gone out of sight which happened so often that I was very
seriously delayed But under this difficulty as under all the other
difficulties of my journey I seemed to be sustained and led on by my fanciful
picture of my mother in her youth before I came into the world It always kept
me company It was there among the hops when I lay down to sleep it was with
me on my waking in the morning it went before me all day I have associated it
ever since with the sunny street of Canterbury dozing as it were in the hot
light and with the sight of its old houses and gateways and the stately grey
Cathedral with the rooks sailing round the towers When I came at last upon
the bare wide downs near Dover it relieved the solitary aspect of the scene
with hope and not until I reached that first great aim of my journey and
actually set foot in the town itself on the sixth day of my flight did it
desert me But then strange to say when I stood with my ragged shoes and my
dusty sunburnt halfclothed figure in the place so long desired it seemed to
vanish like a dream and to leave me helpless and dispirited
I inquired about my aunt among the boatmen first and received various
answers One said she lived in the South Foreland Light and had singed her
whiskers by doing so another that she was made fast to the great buoy outside
the harbour and could only be visited at halftide a third that she was
locked up in Maidstone Jail for childstealing a fourth that she was seen to
mount a broom in the last high wind and make direct for Calais The
flydrivers among whom I inquired next were equally jocose and equally
disrespectful and the shopkeepers not liking my appearance generally replied
without hearing what I had to say that they had got nothing for me I felt more
miserable and destitute than I had done at any period of my running away My
money was all gone I had nothing left to dispose of I was hungry thirsty and
worn out and seemed as distant from my end as if I had remained in London
The morning had worn away in these inquiries and I was sitting on the step
of an empty shop at a street corner near the marketplace deliberating upon
wandering towards those other places which had been mentioned when a
flydriver coming by with his carriage dropped a horsecloth Something
goodnatured in the mans face as I handed it up encouraged me to ask him if
he could tell me where Miss Trotwood lived though I had asked the question so
often that it almost died upon my lips
»Trotwood« said he »Let me see I know the name too Old lady«
»Yes« I said »rather«
»Pretty stiff in the back« said he making himself upright
»Yes« I said »I should think it very likely«
»Carries a bag« said he »bag with a good deal of room in it is gruffish
and comes down upon you sharp«
My heart sank within me as I acknowledged the undoubted accuracy of this
description
»Why then I tell you what« said he »If you go up there« pointing with
his whip towards the heights »and keep right on till you come to some houses
facing the sea I think youll hear of her My opinion is she wont stand
anything so heres a penny for you«
I accepted the gift thankfully and bought a loaf with it Dispatching this
refreshment by the way I went in the direction my friend had indicated and
walked on a good distance without coming to the houses he had mentioned At
length I saw some before me and approaching them went into a little shop it
was what we used to call a general shop at home and inquired if they could
have the goodness to tell me where Miss Trotwood lived I addressed myself to a
man behind the counter who was weighing some rice for a young woman but the
latter taking the inquiry to herself turned round quickly
»My mistress« she said »What do you want with her boy«
»I want« I replied »to speak to her if you please«
»To beg of her you mean« retorted the damsel
»No« I said »indeed« But suddenly remembering that in truth I came for no
other purpose I held my peace in confusion and felt my face burn
My aunts handmaid as I supposed she was from what she had said put her
rice in a little basket and walked out of the shop telling me that I could
follow her if I wanted to know where Miss Trotwood lived I needed no second
permission though I was by this time in such a state of consternation and
agitation that my legs shook under me I followed the young woman and we soon
came to a very neat little cottage with cheerful bowwindows in front of it a
small square gravelled court or garden full of flowers carefully tended and
smelling deliciously
»This is Miss Trotwoods« said the young woman »Now you know and thats
all I have got to say« With which words she hurried into the house as if to
shake off the responsibility of my appearance and left me standing at the
gardengate looking disconsolately over the top of it towards the
parlourwindow where a muslin curtain partly undrawn in the middle a large
round green screen or fan fastened on to the windowsill a small table and a
great chair suggested to me that my aunt might be at that moment seated in
awful state
My shoes were by this time in a woeful condition The soles had shed
themselves bit by bit and the upper leathers had broken and burst until the
very shape and form of shoes had departed from them My hat which had served me
for a nightcap too was so crushed and bent that no old battered handleless
saucepan on a dunghill need have been ashamed to vie with it My shirt and
trousers stained with heat dew grass and the Kentish soil on which I had
slept and torn besides might have frightened the birds from my aunts
garden as I stood at the gate My hair had known no comb or brush since I left
London My face neck and hands from unaccustomed exposure to the air and sun
were burnt to a berrybrown From head to foot I was powdered almost as white
with chalk and dust as if I had come out of a limekiln In this plight and
with a strong consciousness of it I waited to introduce myself to and make my
first impression on my formidable aunt
The unbroken stillness of the parlourwindow leading me to infer after a
while that she was not there I lifted up my eyes to the window above it where
I saw a florid pleasantlooking gentleman with a grey head who shut up one
eye in a grotesque manner nodded his head at me several times shook it at me
as often laughed and went away
I had been discomposed enough before but I was so much the more discomposed
by this unexpected behaviour that I was on the point of slinking off to think
how I had best proceed when there came out of the house a lady with her
handkerchief tied over her cap and a pair of gardening gloves on her hands
wearing a gardening pocket like a tollmans apron and carrying a great knife
I knew her immediately to be Miss Betsey for she came stalking out of the house
exactly as my poor mother had so often described her stalking up our garden at
Blunderstone Rookery
»Go away« said Miss Betsey shaking her head and making a distant chop in
the air with her knife »Go along No boys here«
I watched her with my heart at my lips as she marched to a corner of her
garden and stooped to dig up some little root there Then without a scrap of
courage but with a great deal of desperation I went softly in and stood beside
her touching her with my finger
»If you please maam« I began
She started and looked up
»If you please aunt«
»EH« exclaimed Miss Betsey in a tone of amazement I have never heard
approached
»If you please aunt I am your nephew«
»Oh Lord« said my aunt And sat flat down in the gardenpath
»I am David Copperfield of Blunderstone in Suffolk where you came on
the night when I was born and saw my dear mama I have been very unhappy since
she died I have been slighted and taught nothing and thrown upon myself and
put to work not fit for me It made me run away to you I was robbed at first
setting out and have walked all the way and have never slept in a bed since I
began the journey« Here my selfsupport gave way all at once and with a
movement of my hands intended to show her my ragged state and call it to
witness that I had suffered something I broke into a passion of crying which I
suppose had been pent up within me all the week
My aunt with every sort of expression but wonder discharged from her
countenance sat on the gravel staring at me until I began to cry when she
got up in a great hurry collared me and took me into the parlour Her first
proceeding there was to unlock a tall press bring out several bottles and pour
some of the contents of each into my mouth I think they must have been taken
out at random for I am sure I tasted aniseed water anchovy sauce and salad
dressing When she had administered these restoratives as I was still quite
hysterical and unable to control my sobs she put me on the sofa with a shawl
under my head and the handkerchief from her own head under my feet lest I
should sully the cover and then sitting herself down behind the green fan or
screen I have already mentioned so that I could not see her face ejaculated at
intervals »Mercy on us« letting those exclamations off like minute guns
After a time she rang the bell »Janet« said my aunt when her servant came
in »Go upstairs give my compliments to Mr Dick and say I wish to speak to
him«
Janet looked a little surprised to see me lying stiffly on the sofa I was
afraid to move lest it should be displeasing to my aunt but went on her
errand My aunt with her hands behind her walked up and down the room until
the gentleman who had squinted at me from the upper window came in laughing
»Mr Dick« said my aunt »dont be a fool because nobody can be more
discreet than you can when you choose We all know that So dont be a fool
whatever you are«
The gentleman was serious immediately and looked at me I thought as if he
would entreat me to say nothing about the window
»Mr Dick« said my aunt »you have heard me mention David Copperfield Now
dont pretend not to have a memory because you and I know better«
»David Copperfield« said Mr Dick who did not appear to me to remember
much about it »David Copperfield Oh yes to be sure David certainly«
»Well« said my aunt »this is his boy his son He would be as like his
father as its possible to be if he was not so like his mother too«
»His son« said Mr Dick »Davids son Indeed«
»Yes« pursued my aunt »and he has done a pretty piece of business He has
run away Ah His sister Betsey Trotwood never would have run away« My aunt
shook her head firmly confident in the character and behaviour of the girl who
never was born
»Oh you think she wouldnt have run away« said Mr Dick
»Bless and save the man« exclaimed my aunt sharply »how he talks Dont I
know she wouldnt She would have lived with her godmother and we should have
been devoted to one another. Where in the name of wonder should his sister
Betsey Trotwood have run from or to«
»Nowhere« said Mr Dick
»Well then« returned my aunt softened by the reply »how can you pretend
to be woolgathering Dick when you are as sharp as a surgeons lancet Now
here you see young David Copperfield and the question I put to you is what
shall I do with him«
»What shall you do with him« said Mr Dick feebly scratching his head
»Oh do with him«
»Yes« said my aunt with a grave look and her forefinger held up »Come I
want some very sound advice«
»Why if I was you« said Mr Dick considering and looking vacantly at me
»I should « The contemplation of me seemed to inspire him with a sudden idea
and he added briskly »I should wash him«
»Janet« said my aunt turning round with a quiet triumph which I did not
then understand »Mr Dick sets us all right Heat the bath«
Although I was deeply interested in this dialogue I could not help
observing my aunt Mr Dick and Janet while it was in progress and completing
a survey I had already been engaged in making of the room
My aunt was a tall hardfeatured lady but by no means illlooking There
was an inflexibility in her face in her voice in her gait and carriage amply
sufficient to account for the effect she had made upon a gentle creature like my
mother but her features were rather handsome than otherwise though unbending
and austere I particularly noticed that she had a very quick bright eye Her
hair which was grey was arranged in two plain divisions under what I believe
would be called a mobcap I mean a cap much more common then than now with
sidepieces fastening under the chin Her dress was of a lavender colour and
perfectly neat but scantily made as if she desired to be as little encumbered
as possible I remember that I thought it in form more like a ridinghabit
with the superfluous skirt cut off than anything else She wore at her side a
gentlemans gold watch if I might judge from its size and make with an
appropriate chain and seals she had some linen at her throat not unlike a
shirtcollar and things at her wrists like little shirtwristbands
Mr Dick as I have already said was greyheaded and florid I should have
said all about him in saying so had not his head been curiously bowed not by
age it reminded me of one of Mr Creakles boys heads after a beating and
his grey eyes prominent and large with a strange kind of watery brightness in
them that made me in combination with his vacant manner his submission to my
aunt and his childish delight when she praised him suspect him of being a
little mad though if he were mad how he came to be there puzzled me
extremely He was dressed like any other ordinary gentleman in a loose grey
morning coat and waistcoat and white trousers and had his watch in his fob
and his money in his pockets which he rattled as if he were very proud of it
Janet was a pretty blooming girl of about nineteen or twenty and a perfect
picture of neatness Though I made no further observation of her at the moment
I may mention here what I did not discover until afterwards namely that she
was one of a series of protégées whom my aunt had taken into her service
expressly to educate in a renouncement of mankind and who had generally
completed their abjuration by marrying the baker
The room was as neat as Janet or my aunt As I laid down my pen a moment
since to think of it the air from the sea came blowing in again mixed with
the perfume of the flowers and I saw the oldfashioned furniture brightly
rubbed and polished my aunts inviolable chair and table by the round green fan
in the bowwindow the druggetcovered carpet the cat the kettleholder the
two canaries the old china the punchbowl full of dried roseleaves the tall
press guarding all sorts of bottles and pots and wonderfully out of keeping
with the rest my dusty self upon the sofa taking note of everything
Janet had gone away to get the bath ready when my aunt to my great alarm
became in one moment rigid with indignation and had hardly voice to cry out
»Janet Donkeys«
Upon which Janet came running up the stairs as if the house were in flames
darted out on a little piece of green in front and warned off two
saddledonkeys ladyridden that had presumed to set hoof upon it while my
aunt rushing out of the house seized the bridle of a third animal laden with a
bestriding child turned him led him forth from those sacred precincts and
boxed the ears of the unlucky urchin in attendance who had dared to profane that
hallowed ground
To this hour I dont know whether my aunt had any lawful right of way over
that patch of green but she had settled it in her own mind that she had and it
was all the same to her The one great outrage of her life demanding to be
constantly avenged was the passage of a donkey over that immaculate spot In
whatever occupation she was engaged however interesting to her the conversation
in which she was taking part a donkey turned the current of her ideas in a
moment and she was upon him straight Jugs of water and wateringpots were
kept in secret places ready to be discharged on the offending boys sticks were
laid in ambush behind the door sallies were made at all hours and incessant
war prevailed Perhaps this was an agreeable excitement to the donkeyboys or
perhaps the more sagacious of the donkeys understanding how the case stood
delighted with constitutional obstinacy in coming that way I only know that
there were three alarms before the bath was ready and that on the occasion of
the last and most desperate of all I saw my aunt engage singlehanded with a
sandyheaded lad of fifteen and bump his sandy head against her own gate
before he seemed to comprehend what was the matter These interruptions were the
more ridiculous to me because she was giving me broth out of a tablespoon at
the time having firmly persuaded herself that I was actually starving and must
receive nourishment at first in very small quantities and while my mouth was
yet open to receive the spoon she would put it back into the basin cry »Janet
Donkeys« and go out to the assault
The bath was a great comfort For I began to be sensible of acute pains in
my limbs from lying out in the fields and was now so tired and low that I could
hardly keep myself awake for five minutes together When I had bathed they I
mean my aunt and Janet enrobed me in a shirt and a pair of trousers belonging
to Mr Dick and tied me up in two or three great shawls What sort of bundle I
looked like I dont know but I felt a very hot one Feeling also very faint
and drowsy I soon lay down on the sofa again and fell asleep
It might have been a dream originating in the fancy which had occupied my
mind so long but I awoke with the impression that my aunt had come and bent
over me and had put my hair away from my face and laid my head more
comfortably and had then stood looking at me The words »Pretty fellow« or
»Poor fellow« seemed to be in my ears too but certainly there was nothing
else when I awoke to lead me to believe that they had been uttered by my aunt
who sat in the bowwindow gazing at the sea from behind the green fan which was
mounted on a kind of swivel and turned any way
We dined soon after I awoke off a roast fowl and a pudding I sitting at
table not unlike a trussed bird myself and moving my arms with considerable
difficulty But as my aunt had swathed me up I made no complaint of being
inconvenienced All this time I was deeply anxious to know what she was going
to do with me but she took her dinner in profound silence except when she
occasionally fixed her eyes on me sitting opposite and said »Mercy upon us«
which did not by any means relieve my anxiety
The cloth being drawn and some sherry put upon the table of which I had a
glass my aunt sent up for Mr Dick again who joined us and looked as wise as
he could when she requested him to attend to my story which she elicited from
me gradually by a course of questions During my recital she kept her eyes on
Mr Dick who I thought would have gone to sleep but for that and who
whensoever he lapsed into a smile was checked by a frown from my aunt
»Whatever possessed that poor unfortunate Baby that she must go and be
married again« said my aunt when I had finished »I cant conceive«
»Perhaps she fell in love with her second husband« Mr Dick suggested
»Fell in love« repeated my aunt »What do you mean What business had she
to do it«
»Perhaps« Mr Dick simpered after thinking a little »she did it for
pleasure«
»Pleasure indeed« replied my aunt »A mighty pleasure for the poor Baby to
fix her simple faith upon any dog of a fellow certain to illuse her in some
way or other What did she propose to herself I should like to know She had
had one husband She had seen David Copperfield out of the world who was always
running after wax dolls from his cradle She had got a baby oh there were a
pair of babies when she gave birth to this child sitting here that Friday
night and what more did she want«
Mr Dick secretly shook his head at me as if he thought there was no
getting over this
»She couldnt even have a baby like anybody else« said my aunt »Where was
this childs sister Betsey Trotwood Not forthcoming Dont tell me«
Mr Dick seemed quite frightened
»That little man of a doctor with his head on one side« said my aunt
»Jellips or whatever his name was what was he about All he could do was to
say to me like a robin redbreast as he is Its a boy A boy Yah the
imbecility of the whole set of em«
The heartiness of the ejaculation startled Mr Dick exceedingly and me
too if I am to tell the truth
»And then as if this was not enough and she had not stood sufficiently in
the light of this childs sister Betsey Trotwood« said my aunt »she marries a
second time goes and marries a Murderer or a man with a name like it and
stands in this childs light And the natural consequence is as anybody but a
baby might have foreseen that he prowls and wanders Hes as like Cain before
he was grown up as he can be«
Mr Dick looked hard at me as if to identify me in this character
»And then theres that woman with the Pagan name« said my aunt »that
Peggotty she goes and gets married next Because she has not seen enough of the
evil attending such things she goes and gets married next as the child
relates I only hope« said my aunt shaking her head »that her husband is one
of those Poker husbands who abound in the newspapers and will beat her well
with one«
I could not bear to hear my old nurse so decried and made the subject of
such a wish I told my aunt that indeed she was mistaken That Peggotty was the
best the truest the most faithful most devoted and most selfdenying friend
and servant in the world who had ever loved me dearly who had ever loved my
mother dearly who had held my mothers dying head upon her arm on whose face
my mother had imprinted her last grateful kiss And my remembrance of them both
choking me I broke down as I was trying to say that her home was my home and
that all she had was mine and that I would have gone to her for shelter but
for her humble station which made me fear that I might bring some trouble on
her I broke down I say as I was trying to say so and laid my face in my
hands upon the table
»Well well« said my aunt »the child is right to stand by those who have
stood by him Janet Donkeys«
I thoroughly believe that but for those unfortunate donkeys we should have
come to a good understanding for my aunt had laid her hand on my shoulder and
the impulse was upon me thus emboldened to embrace her and beseech her
protection But the interruption and the disorder she was thrown into by the
struggle outside put an end to all softer ideas for the present and kept my
aunt indignantly declaiming to Mr Dick about her determination to appeal for
redress to the laws of her country and to bring actions for trespass against
the whole donkey proprietorship of Dover until teatime
After tea we sat at the window on the lookout as I imagined from my
aunts sharp expression of face for more invaders until dusk when Janet set
candles and a backgammonboard on the table and pulled down the blinds
»Now Mr Dick« said my aunt with her grave look and her forefinger up as
before »I am going to ask you another question Look at this child«
»Davids son« said Mr Dick with an attentive puzzled face
»Exactly so« returned my aunt »What would you do with him now«
»Do with Davids son« said Mr Dick
»Ay« replied my aunt »with Davids son«
»Oh« said Mr Dick »Yes Do with I should put him to bed«
»Janet« cried my aunt with the same complacent triumph that I had remarked
before »Mr Dick sets us all right If the bed is ready well take him up to
it«
Janet reporting it to be quite ready I was taken up to it kindly but in
some sort like a prisoner my aunt going in front and Janet bringing up the
rear The only circumstance which gave me any new hope was my aunts stopping
on the stairs to inquire about a smell of fire that was prevalent there and
Janets replying that she had been making tinder down in the kitchen of my old
shirt But there were no other clothes in my room than the odd heap of things I
wore and when I was left there with a little taper which my aunt forewarned me
would burn exactly five minutes I heard them lock my door on the outside
Turning these things over in my mind I deemed it possible that my aunt who
could know nothing of me might suspect I had a habit of running away and took
precautions on that account to have me in safe keeping
The room was a pleasant one at the top of the house overlooking the sea
on which the moon was shining brilliantly After I had said my prayers and the
candle had burnt out I remember how I still sat looking at the moonlight on the
water as if I could hope to read my fortune in it as in a bright book or to
see my mother with her child coming from Heaven along that shining path to
look upon me as she had looked when I last saw her sweet face I remember how
the solemn feeling with which at length I turned my eyes away yielded to the
sensation of gratitude and rest which the sight of the whitecurtained bed and
how much more the lying softly down upon it nestling in the snowwhite sheets
inspired I remember how I thought of all the solitary places under the night
sky where I had slept and how I prayed that I never might be houseless any
more and never might forget the houseless I remember how I seemed to float
then down the melancholy glory of that track upon the sea away into the world
of dreams
Chapter XIV
My Aunt Makes Up Her Mind about Me
On going down in the morning I found my aunt musing so profoundly over the
breakfasttable with her elbow on the tray that the contents of the urn had
overflowed the teapot and were laying the whole tablecloth under water when my
entrance put her meditations to flight I felt sure that I had been the subject
of her reflections and was more than ever anxious to know her intentions
towards me Yet I dared not express my anxiety lest it should give her offence
My eyes however not being so much under control as my tongue were
attracted towards my aunt very often during breakfast I never could look at her
for a few moments together but I found her looking at me in an odd thoughtful
manner as if I were an immense way off instead of being on the other side of
the small round table When she had finished her breakfast my aunt very
deliberately leaned back in her chair knitted her brows folded her arms and
contemplated me at her leisure with such a fixedness of attention that I was
quite overpowered by embarrassment Not having as yet finished my own breakfast
I attempted to hide my confusion by proceeding with it but my knife tumbled
over my fork my fork tripped up my knife I chipped bits of bacon a surprising
height into the air instead of cutting them for my own eating and choked myself
with my tea which persisted in going the wrong way instead of the right one
until I gave in altogether and sat blushing under my aunts close scrutiny
»Hallo« said my aunt after a long time
I looked up and met her sharp bright glance respectfully
»I have written to him« said my aunt
»To «
»To your fatherinlaw« said my aunt »I have sent him a letter that Ill
trouble him to attend to or he and I will fall out I can tell him«
»Does he know where I am aunt« I inquired alarmed
»I have told him« said my aunt with a nod
»Shall I be given up to him« I faltered
»I dont know« said my aunt »We shall see«
»Oh I cant think what I shall do« I exclaimed »if I have to go back to
Mr Murdstone«
»I dont know anything about it« said my aunt shaking her head »I cant
say I am sure We shall see«
My spirits sank under these words and I became very downcast and heavy of
heart My aunt without appearing to take much heed of me put on a coarse apron
with a bib which she took out of the press washed up the teacups with her own
hands and when everything was washed and set in the tray again and the cloth
folded and put on the top of the whole rang for Janet to remove it She next
swept up the crumbs with a little broom putting on a pair of gloves first
until there did not appear to be one microscopic speck left on the carpet next
dusted and arranged the room which was dusted and arranged to a hairsbreadth
already When all these tasks were performed to her satisfaction she took off
the gloves and apron folded them up put them in the particular corner of the
press from which they had been taken brought out her workbox to her own table
in the open window and sat down with the green fan between her and the light
to work
»I wish youd go upstairs« said my aunt as she threaded her needle »and
give my compliments to Mr Dick and Ill be glad to know how he gets on with
his Memorial«
I rose with all alacrity to acquit myself of this commission
»I suppose« said my aunt eyeing me as narrowly as she had eyed the needle
in threading it »you think Mr Dick a short name eh«
»I thought it was rather a short name yesterday« I confessed
»You are not to suppose that he hasnt got a longer name if he chose to use
it« said my aunt with a loftier air »Babley Mr Richard Babley thats the
gentlemans true name«
I was going to suggest with a modest sense of my youth and the familiarity
I had been already guilty of that I had better give him the full benefit of
that name when my aunt went on to say
»But dont you call him by it whatever you do He cant bear his name
Thats a peculiarity of his Though I dont know that its much of a
peculiarity either for he has been illused enough by some that bear it to
have a mortal antipathy for it Heaven knows Mr Dick is his name here and
everywhere else now if he ever went anywhere else which he dont So take
care child you dont call him anything but Mr Dick«
I promised to obey and went upstairs with my message thinking as I went
that if Mr Dick had been working at his Memorial long at the same rate as I
had seen him working at it through the open door when I came down he was
probably getting on very well indeed I found him still driving at it with a
long pen and his head almost laid upon the paper He was so intent upon it
that I had ample leisure to observe the large paper kite in a corner the
confusion of bundles of manuscript the number of pens and above all the
quantity of ink which he seemed to have in in halfgallon jars by the dozen
before he observed my being present
»Ha Phoebus« said Mr Dick laying down his pen »How does the world go
Ill tell you what« he added in a lower tone »I shouldnt wish it to be
mentioned but its a« here he beckoned to me and put his lips close to my
ear »its a mad world Mad as Bedlam boy« said Mr Dick taking snuff from a
round box on the table and laughing heartily
Without presuming to give my opinion on this question I delivered my
message
»Well« said Mr Dick in answer »my compliments to her and I I believe
I have made a start I think I have made a start« said Mr Dick passing his
hand among his grey hair and casting anything but a confident look at his
manuscript »You have been to school«
»Yes sir« I answered »for a short time«
»Do you recollect the date« said Mr Dick looking earnestly at me and
taking up his pen to note it down »when King Charles the First had his head cut
off«
I said I believed it happened in the year sixteen hundred and fortynine
»Well« returned Mr Dick scratching his ear with his pen and looking
dubiously at me »So the books say but I dont see how that can be Because if
it was so long ago how could the people about him have made that mistake of
putting some of the trouble out of his head after it was taken off into mine«
I was very much surprised by the inquiry but could give no information on
this point
»Its very strange« said Mr Dick with a despondent look upon his papers
and with his hand among his hair again »that I never can get that quite right
I never can make that perfectly clear But no matter no matter« he said
cheerfully and rousing himself »theres time enough My compliments to Miss
Trotwood I am getting on very well indeed«
I was going away when he directed my attention to the kite
»What do you think of that for a kite« he said
I answered that it was a beautiful one I should think it must have been as
much as seven feet high
»I made it Well go and fly it you and I« said Mr Dick »Do you see
this«
He showed me that it was covered with manuscript very closely and
laboriously written but so plainly that as I looked along the lines I thought
I saw some allusion to King Charles the Firsts head again in one or two
places
»Theres plenty of string« said Mr Dick »and when it flies high it takes
the facts a long way Thats my manner of diffusing em I dont know where they
may come down Its according to circumstances and the wind and so forth but
I take my chance of that«
His face was so very mild and pleasant and had something so reverend in it
though it was hale and hearty that I was not sure but that he was having a
goodhumoured jest with me So I laughed and he laughed and we parted the best
friends possible
»Well child« said my aunt when I went downstairs »And what of Mr Dick
this morning«
I informed her that he sent his compliments and was getting on very well
indeed
»What do you think of him« said my aunt
I had some shadowy idea of endeavouring to evade the question by replying
that I thought him a very nice gentleman but my aunt was not to be so put off
for she laid her work down in her lap and said folding her hands upon it
»Come Your sister Betsey Trotwood would have told me what she thought of
any one directly Be as like your sister as you can and speak out«
»Is he is Mr Dick I ask because I dont know aunt is he at all out
of his mind then« I stammered for I felt I was on dangerous ground
»Not a morsel« said my aunt
»Oh indeed« I observed faintly
»If there is anything in the world« said my aunt with great decision and
force of manner »that Mr Dick is not its that«
I had nothing better to offer than another timid »Oh indeed«
»He has been called mad« said my aunt »I have a selfish pleasure in saying
he has been called mad or I should not have had the benefit of his society and
advice for these last ten years and upwards in fact ever since your sister
Betsey Trotwood disappointed me«
»So long as that« I said
»And nice people they were who had the audacity to call him mad« pursued
my aunt »Mr Dick is a sort of distant connexion of mine it doesnt matter
how I neednt enter into that If it hadnt been for me his own brother would
have shut him up for life Thats all«
I am afraid it was hypocritical in me but seeing that my aunt felt strongly
on the subject I tried to look as if I felt strongly too
»A proud fool« said my aunt »Because his brother was a little eccentric
though he is not half so eccentric as a good many people he didnt like to
have him visible about his house and sent him away to some private
asylumplace though he had been left to his particular care by their deceased
father who thought him almost a natural And a wise man he must have been to
think so Mad himself no doubt«
Again as my aunt looked quite convinced I endeavoured to look quite
convinced also
»So I stepped in« said my aunt »and made him an offer« I said »Your
brothers sane a great deal more sane than you are or ever will be it is to
be hoped Let him have his little income and come and live with me I am not
afraid of him I am not proud I am ready to take care of him and shall not
illtreat him as some people besides the asylumfolks have done After a good
deal of squabbling« said my aunt »I got him and he has been here ever since
He is the most friendly and amenable creature in existence; and as for advice
But nobody knows what that mans mind is except myself«
My aunt smoothed her dress and shook her head as if she smoothed defiance
of the whole world out of the one and shook it out of the other
»He had a favourite sister« said my aunt »a good creature and very kind
to him But she did what they all do took a husband And he did what they all
do made her wretched It had such an effect upon the mind of Mr Dick thats
not madness I hope that combined with his fear of his brother and his sense
of his unkindness it threw him into a fever That was before he came to me but
the recollection of it is oppressive to him even now Did he say anything to you
about King Charles the First child«
»Yes aunt«
»Ah« said my aunt rubbing her nose as if she were a little vexed »Thats
his allegorical way of expressing it He connects his illness with great
disturbance and agitation naturally and thats the figure or the simile or
whatever its called which he chooses to use And why shouldnt he if he
thinks proper«
I said »Certainly aunt«
»Its not a businesslike way of speaking« said my aunt »nor a worldly
way I am aware of that and thats the reason why I insist upon it that there
shant be a word about it in his Memorial«
»Is it a Memorial about his own history that he is writing aunt«
»Yes child« said my aunt rubbing her nose again »He is memorialising the
Lord Chancellor or the Lord Somebody or other one of those people at all
events who are paid to be memorialised about his affairs I suppose it will
go in one of these days He hasnt been able to draw it up yet without
introducing that mode of expressing himself but it dont signify it keeps him
employed«
In fact I found out afterwards that Mr Dick had been for upwards of ten
years endeavouring to keep King Charles the First out of the Memorial but he
had been constantly getting into it and was there now
»I say again« said my aunt »nobody knows what that mans mind is except
myself and hes the most amenable and friendly creature in existence If he
likes to fly a kite sometimes what of that Franklin used to fly a kite He was
a Quaker or something of that sort if I am not mistaken And a Quaker flying a
kite is a much more ridiculous object than anybody else«
If I could have supposed that my aunt had recounted these particulars for my
especial behoof and as a piece of confidence in me I should have felt very
much distinguished and should have augured favourably from such a mark of her
good opinion But I could hardly help observing that she had launched into them
chiefly because the question was raised in her own mind and with very little
reference to me though she had addressed herself to me in the absence of
anybody else
At the same time I must say that the generosity of her championship of poor
harmless Mr Dick not only inspired my young breast with some selfish hope for
myself but warmed it unselfishly towards her I believe that I began to know
that there was something about my aunt notwithstanding her many eccentricities
and odd humours to be honoured and trusted in Though she was just as sharp
that day as on the day before and was in and out about the donkeys just as
often and was thrown into a tremendous state of indignation when a young man
going by ogled Janet at a window which was one of the gravest misdemeanours
that could be committed against my aunts dignity she seemed to me to command
more of my respect if not less of my fear
The anxiety I underwent in the interval which necessarily elapsed before a
reply could be received to her letter to Mr Murdstone was extreme but I made
an endeavour to suppress it and to be as agreeable as I could in a quiet way
both to my aunt and Mr Dick The latter and I would have gone out to fly the
great kite but that I had still no other clothes than the anything but
ornamental garments with which I had been decorated on the first day and which
confined me to the house except for an hour after dark when my aunt for my
healths sake paraded me up and down on the cliff outside before going to bed
At length the reply from Mr Murdstone came and my aunt informed me to my
infinite terror that he was coming to speak to her himself on the next day On
the next day still bundled up in my curious habiliments I sat counting the
time flushed and heated by the conflict of sinking hopes and rising fears
within me and waiting to be startled by the sight of the gloomy face whose
nonarrival startled me every minute
My aunt was a little more imperious and stern than usual but I observed no
other token of her preparing herself to receive the visitor so much dreaded by
me She sat at work in the window and I sat by with my thoughts running astray
on all possible and impossible results of Mr Murdstones visit until pretty
late in the afternoon Our dinner had been indefinitely postponed but it was
growing so late that my aunt had ordered it to be got ready when she gave a
sudden alarm of donkeys and to my consternation and amazement I beheld Miss
Murdstone on a sidesaddle ride deliberately over the sacred piece of green
and stop in front of the house looking about her
»Go along with you« cried my aunt shaking her head and her fist at the
window »You have no business there How dare you trespass Go along Oh you
boldfaced thing«
My aunt was so exasperated by the coolness with which Miss Murdstone looked
about her that I really believe she was motionless and unable for the moment
to dart out according to custom I seized the opportunity to inform her who it
was and that the gentleman now coming near the offender for the way up was
very steep and he had dropped behind was Mr Murdstone himself
»I dont care who it is« cried my aunt still shaking her head and
gesticulating anything but welcome from the bowwindow »I wont be trespassed
upon I wont allow it Go away Janet turn him round Lead him off« and I
saw from behind my aunt a sort of hurried battlepiece in which the donkey
stood resisting everybody with all his four legs planted different ways while
Janet tried to pull him round by the bridle Mr Murdstone tried to lead him on
Miss Murdstone struck at Janet with a parasol and several boys who had come to
see the engagement shouted vigorously But my aunt suddenly descrying among
them the young malefactor who was the donkeys guardian and who was one of the
most inveterate offenders against her though hardly in his teens rushed out to
the scene of action pounced upon him captured him dragged him with his
jacket over his head and his heels grinding the ground into the garden and
calling upon Janet to fetch the constables and justices that he might be taken
tried and executed on the spot held him at bay there This part of the
business however did not last long for the young rascal being expert at a
variety of feints and dodges of which my aunt had no conception soon went
whooping away leaving some deep impressions of his nailed boots in the
flowerbeds and taking his donkey in triumph with him
Miss Murdstone during the latter portion of the contest had dismounted
and was now waiting with her brother at the bottom of the steps until my aunt
should be at leisure to receive them My aunt a little ruffled by the combat
marched past them into the house with great dignity and took no notice of
their presence until they were announced by Janet
»Shall I go away aunt« I asked trembling
»No sir« said my aunt »Certainly not« With which she pushed me into a
corner near her and fenced me in with a chair as if it were a prison or a bar
of justice This position I continued to occupy during the whole interview and
from it I now saw Mr and Miss Murdstone enter the room
»Oh« said my aunt »I was not aware at first to whom I had the pleasure of
objecting But I dont allow anybody to ride over that turf I make no
exceptions I dont allow anybody to do it«
»Your regulation is rather awkward to strangers« said Miss Murdstone
»Is it« said my aunt
Mr Murdstone seemed afraid of a renewal of hostilities and interposing
began
»Miss Trotwood«
»I beg your pardon« observed my aunt with a keen look »You are the Mr
Murdstone who married the widow of my late nephew David Copperfield of
Blunderstone Rookery Though why Rookery I dont know«
»I am« said Mr Murdstone
»Youll excuse my saying sir« returned my aunt »that I think it would
have been a much better and happier thing if you had left that poor child
alone«
»I so far agree with what Miss Trotwood has remarked« observed Miss
Murdstone bridling »that I consider our lamented Clara to have been in all
essential respects a mere child«
»It is a comfort to you and me maam« said my aunt »who are getting on in
life and are not likely to be made unhappy by our personal attractions that
nobody can say the same of us«
»No doubt« returned Miss Murdstone though I thought not with a very
ready or gracious assent »And it certainly might have been as you say a
better and happier thing for my brother if he had never entered into such a
marriage I have always been of that opinion«
»I have no doubt you have« said my aunt »Janet« ringing the bell »my
compliments to Mr Dick and beg him to come down«
Until he came my aunt sat perfectly upright and stiff frowning at the
wall When he came my aunt performed the ceremony of introduction
»Mr Dick An old and intimate friend On whose judgment« said my aunt
with emphasis as an admonition to Mr Dick who was biting his forefinger and
looking rather foolish »I rely«
Mr Dick took his finger out of his mouth on this hint and stood among the
group with a grave and attentive expression of face My aunt inclined her head
to Mr Murdstone who went on
»Miss Trotwood On the receipt of your letter I considered it an act of
greater justice to myself and perhaps of more respect to you «
»Thank you« said my aunt still eyeing him keenly »You neednt mind me«
»To answer it in person however inconvenient the journey« pursued Mr
Murdstone »rather than by letter This unhappy boy who has run away from his
friends and his occupation «
»And whose appearance« interposed his sister directing general attention
to me in my indefinable costume »is perfectly scandalous and disgraceful«
»Jane Murdstone« said her brother »have the goodness not to interrupt me
This unhappy boy Miss Trotwood has been the occasion of much domestic trouble
and uneasiness both during the lifetime of my late dear wife and since He has
a sullen rebellious spirit a violent temper and an untoward intractable
disposition Both my sister and myself have endeavoured to correct his vices
but ineffectually And I have felt we both have felt I may say my sister
being fully in my confidence that it is right you should receive this grave
and dispassionate assurance from our lips«
»It can hardly be necessary for me to confirm anything stated by my
brother« said Miss Murdstone »but I beg to observe that of all the boys in
the world I believe this is the worst boy«
»Strong« said my aunt shortly
»But not at all too strong for the facts« returned Miss Murdstone
»Ha« said my aunt »Well sir«
»I have my own opinions« resumed Mr Murdstone whose face darkened more
and more the more he and my aunt observed each other which they did very
narrowly »as to the best mode of bringing him up they are founded in part on
my knowledge of him and in part on my knowledge of my own means and resources
I am responsible for them to myself I act upon them and I say no more about
them It is enough that I place this boy under the eye of a friend of my own in
a respectable business that it does not please him that he runs away from it
makes himself a common vagabond about the country and comes here in rags to
appeal to you Miss Trotwood I wish to set before you honourably the exact
consequences so far as they are within my knowledge of your abetting him
in this appeal«
»But about the respectable business first« said my aunt »If he had been
your own boy you would have put him to it just the same I suppose«
»If he had been my brothers own boy« returned Miss Murdstone striking in
»his character I trust would have been altogether different«
»Or if the poor child his mother had been alive he would still have gone
into the respectable business would he« said my aunt
»I believe« said Mr Murdstone with an inclination of his head »that
Clara would have disputed nothing which myself and my sister Jane Murdstone were
agreed was for the best«
Miss Murdstone confirmed this with an audible murmur
»Humph« said my aunt »Unfortunate baby«
Mr Dick who had been rattling his money all this time was rattling it so
loudly now that my aunt felt it necessary to check him with a look before
saying
»The poor childs annuity died with her«
»Died with her« replied Mr Murdstone
»And there was no settlement of the little property the house and garden
the whatsitsname Rookery without any rooks in it upon her boy«
»It had been left to her unconditionally by her first husband« Mr
Murdstone began when my aunt caught him up with the greatest irascibility and
impatience
»Good Lord man theres no occasion to say that Left to her
unconditionally I think I see David Copperfield looking forward to any
condition of any sort or kind though it stared him pointblank in the face Of
course it was left to her unconditionally But when she married again when she
took that most disastrous step of marrying you in short« said my aunt »to be
plain did no one put in a word for the boy at that time«
»My late wife loved her second husband maam« said Mr Murdstone »and
trusted implicitly in him«
»Your late wife sir was a most unworldly most unhappy most unfortunate
baby« returned my aunt shaking her head at him »Thats what she was And now
what have you got to say next«
»Merely this Miss Trotwood« he returned »I am here to take David back to
take him back unconditionally to dispose of him as I think proper and to deal
with him as I think right I am not here to make any promise or give any pledge
to anybody You may possibly have some idea Miss Trotwood of abetting him in
his running away and in his complaints to you Your manner which I must say
does not seem intended to propitiate induces me to think it possible Now I
must caution you that if you abet him once you abet him for good and all if
you step in between him and me now you must step in Miss Trotwood for ever
I cannot trifle or be trifled with I am here for the first and last time to
take him away Is he ready to go If he is not and you tell me he is not on
any pretence it is indifferent to me what my doors are shut against him
henceforth and yours I take it for granted are open to him«
To this address my aunt had listened with the closest attention sitting
perfectly upright with her hands folded on one knee and looking grimly on the
speaker When he had finished she turned her eyes so as to command Miss
Murdstone without otherwise disturbing her attitude and said
»Well maam have you got anything to remark«
»Indeed Miss Trotwood« said Miss Murdstone »all that I could say has been
so well said by my brother and all that I know to be the fact has been so
plainly stated by him that I have nothing to add except my thanks for your
politeness For your very great politeness I am sure« said Miss Murdstone
with an irony which no more affected my aunt than it discomposed the cannon I
had slept by at Chatham
»And what does the boy say« said my aunt »Are you ready to go David«
I answered no and entreated her not to let me go I said that neither Mr
nor Miss Murdstone had ever liked me or had ever been kind to me That they had
made my mama who always loved me dearly unhappy about me and that I knew it
well and that Peggotty knew it I said that I had been more miserable than I
thought anybody could believe who only knew how young I was And I begged and
prayed my aunt I forget in what terms now but I remember that they affected
me very much then to befriend and protect me for my fathers sake
»Mr Dick« said my aunt »what shall I do with this child«
Mr Dick considered hesitated brightened and rejoined »Have him measured
for a suit of clothes directly«
»Mr Dick« said my aunt triumphantly »give me your hand for your common
sense is invaluable« Having shaken it with great cordiality she pulled me
towards her and said to Mr Murdstone
»You can go when you like Ill take my chance with the boy If hes all you
say he is at least I can do as much for him then as you have done But I dont
believe a word of if«
»Miss Trotwood« rejoined Mr Murdstone shrugging his shoulders as he
rose »if you were a gentleman «
»Bah Stuff and nonsense« said my aunt »Dont talk to me«
»How exquisitely polite« exclaimed Miss Murdstone rising »Overpowering
really«
»Do you think I dont know« said my aunt turning a deaf ear to the sister
and continuing to address the brother and to shake her head at him with
infinite expression »what kind of life you must have led that poor unhappy
misdirected baby Do you think I dont know what a woeful day it was for the
soft little creature when you first came in her way smirking and making great
eyes at her Ill be bound as if you couldnt say boh to a goose«
»I never heard anything so elegant« said Miss Murdstone
»Do you think I cant understand you as well as if I had seen you« pursued
my aunt »now that I do see and hear you which I tell you candidly is
anything but a pleasure to me Oh yes bless us who so smooth and silky as Mr
Murdstone at first The poor benighted innocent had never seen such a man He
was made of sweetness He worshipped her He doted on her boy tenderly doted
on him He was to be another father to him and they were all to live together
in a garden of roses werent they Ugh Get along with you do« said my aunt
»I never heard anything like this person in my life« exclaimed Miss
Murdstone
»And when you had made sure of the poor little fool« said my aunt »God
forgive me that I should call her so and she gone where you wont go in a hurry
because you had not done wrong enough to her and hers you must begin to train
her must you begin to break her like a poor caged bird and wear her deluded
life away in teaching her to sing your notes«
»This is either insanity or intoxication« said Miss Murdstone in a perfect
agony at not being able to turn the current of my aunts address towards
herself »and my suspicion is that its intoxication«
Miss Betsey without taking the least notice of the interruption continued
to address herself to Mr Murdstone as if there had been no such thing
»Mr Murdstone« she said shaking her finger at him »you were a tyrant to
the simple baby and you broke her heart She was a loving baby I know that I
knew it years before you ever saw her and through the best part of her
weakness you gave her the wounds she died of There is the truth for your
comfort however you like it And you and your instruments may make the most of
it«
»Allow me to inquire Miss Trotwood« interposed Miss Murdstone »whom you
are pleased to call in a choice of words in which I am not experienced my
brothers instruments«
Still stonedeaf to the voice and utterly unmoved by it Miss Betsey
pursued her discourse
»It was clear enough as I have told you years before you ever saw her
and why in the mysterious dispensations of Providence you ever did see her is
more than humanity can comprehend it was clear enough that the poor soft
little thing would marry somebody at some time or other but I did hope it
wouldnt have been as bad as it has turned out That was the time Mr
Murdstone when she gave birth to her boy here« said my aunt »to the poor
child you sometimes tormented her through afterwards which is a disagreeable
remembrance and makes the sight of him odious now Aye aye you neednt
wince« said my aunt »I know its true without that«
He had stood by the door all this while observant of her with a smile
upon his face though his black eyebrows were heavily contracted I remarked
now that though the smile was on his face still his colour had gone in a
moment and he seemed to breathe as if he had been running
»Good day sir« said my aunt »and good bye Good day to you too maam«
said my aunt turning suddenly upon his sister »Let me see you ride a donkey
over my green again and as sure as you have a head upon your shoulders Ill
knock your bonnet off and tread upon it«
It would require a painter and no common painter too to depict my aunts
face as she delivered herself of this very unexpected sentiment and Miss
Murdstones face as she heard it But the manner of the speech no less than the
matter was so fiery that Miss Murdstone without a word in answer discreetly
put her arm through her brothers and walked haughtily out of the cottage my
aunt remaining in the window looking after them prepared I have no doubt in
case of the donkeys reappearance to carry her threat into instant execution
No attempt at defiance being made however her face gradually relaxed and
became so pleasant that I was emboldened to kiss and thank her which I did
with great heartiness and with both my arms clasped round her neck I then
shook hands with Mr Dick who shook hands with me a great many times and
hailed this happy close of the proceedings with repeated bursts of laughter
»Youll consider yourself guardian jointly with me of this child Mr
Dick« said my aunt
»I shall be delighted« said Mr Dick »to be the guardian of Davids son«
»Very good« returned my aunt »thats settled I have been thinking do you
know Mr Dick that I might call him Trotwood«
»Certainly certainly Call him Trotwood certainly« said Mr Dick
»Davids sons Trotwood«
»Trotwood Copperfield you mean« returned my aunt
»Yes to be sure Yes Trotwood Copperfield« said Mr Dick a little
abashed
My aunt took so kindly to the notion, that some readymade clothes which
were purchased for me that afternoon were marked »Trotwood Copperfield« in her
own handwriting and in indelible markingink before I put them on and it was
settled that all the other clothes which were ordered to be made for me a
complete outfit was bespoke that afternoon should be marked in the same way
Thus I began my new life in a new name and with everything new about me
Now that the state of doubt was over I felt for many days like one in a
dream I never thought that I had a curious couple of guardians in my aunt and
Mr Dick I never thought of anything about myself distinctly The two things
clearest in my mind were that a remoteness had come upon the old Blunderstone
life which seemed to lie in the haze of an immeasurable distance and that a
curtain had for ever fallen on my life at Murdstone and Grinbys No one has
ever raised that curtain since I have lifted it for a moment even in this
narrative with a reluctant hand and dropped it gladly The remembrance of that
life is fraught with so much pain to me with so much mental suffering and want
of hope that I have never had the courage even to examine how long I was doomed
to lead it Whether it lasted for a year or more or less I do not know I
only know that it was and ceased to be and that I have written and there I
leave it
Chapter XV
I Make Another Beginning
Mr Dick and I soon became the best of friends and very often when his days
work was done went out together to fly the great kite Every day of his life he
had a long sitting at the Memorial which never made the least progress however
hard he laboured for King Charles the First always strayed into it sooner or
later and then it was thrown aside and another one begun The patience and
hope with which he bore these perpetual disappointments the mild perception he
had that there was something wrong about King Charles the First the feeble
efforts he made to keep him out and the certainty with which he came in and
tumbled the Memorial out of all shape made a deep impression on me What Mr
Dick supposed would come of the Memorial if it were completed where he thought
it was to go or what he thought it was to do he knew no more than anybody
else I believe Nor was it at all necessary that he should trouble himself with
such questions for if anything were certain under the sun it was certain that
the Memorial never would be finished
It was quite an affecting sight I used to think to see him with the kite
when it was up a great height in the air What he had told me in his room
about his belief in its disseminating the statements pasted on it which were
nothing but old leaves of abortive Memorials might have been a fancy with him
sometimes but not when he was out looking up at the kite in the sky and
feeling it pull and tug at his hand He never looked so serene as he did then I
used to fancy as I sat by him of an evening on a green slope and saw him
watch the kite high in the quiet air that it lifted his mind out of its
confusion and bore it such was my boyish thought into the skies As he wound
the string in and it came lower and lower down out of the beautiful light
until it fluttered to the ground and lay there like a dead thing he seemed to
wake gradually out of a dream and I remember to have seen him take it up and
look about him in a lost way as if they had both come down together so that I
pitied him with all my heart
While I advanced in friendship and intimacy with Mr Dick I did not go
backward in the favour of his staunch friend my aunt She took so kindly to me
that in the course of a few weeks she shortened my adopted name of Trotwood
into Trot and even encouraged me to hope that if I went on as I had begun I
might take equal rank in her affections with my sister Betsey Trotwood
»Trot« said my aunt one evening when the backgammonboard was placed as
usual for herself and Mr Dick »we must not forget your education«
This was my only subject of anxiety and I felt quite delighted by her
referring to it
»Should you like to go to school at Canterbury« said my aunt
I replied that I should like it very much as it was so near her
»Good« said my aunt »Should you like to go tomorrow«
Being already no stranger to the general rapidity of my aunts evolutions I
was not surprised by the suddenness of the proposal and said »Yes«
»Good« said my aunt again »Janet hire the grey pony and chaise tomorrow
morning at ten oclock and pack up Master Trotwoods clothes tonight«
I was greatly elated by these orders but my heart smote me for my
selfishness when I witnessed their effect on Mr Dick who was so lowspirited
at the prospect of our separation and played so ill in consequence that my
aunt after giving him several admonitory raps on the knuckles with her
dicebox shut up the board and declined to play with him any more But on
hearing from my aunt that I should sometimes come over on a Saturday and that
he could sometimes come and see me on a Wednesday he revived and vowed to make
another kite for those occasions of proportions greatly surpassing the present
one In the morning he was downhearted again and would have sustained himself
by giving me all the money he had in his possession gold and silver too if my
aunt had not interposed and limited the gift to five shillings which at his
earnest petition were afterwards increased to ten We parted at the gardengate
in a most affectionate manner and Mr Dick did not go into the house until my
aunt had driven me out of sight of it
My aunt who was perfectly indifferent to public opinion drove the grey
pony through Dover in a masterly manner sitting high and stiff like a state
coachman keeping a steady eye upon him wherever he went and making a point of
not letting him have his own way in any respect When we came into the country
road she permitted him to relax a little however and looking at me down in a
valley of cushion by her side asked me whether I was happy
»Very happy indeed thank you aunt« I said
She was much gratified and both her hands being occupied patted me on the
head with her whip
»Is it a large school aunt« I asked
»Why I dont know« said my aunt »We are going to Mr Wickfields first«
»Does he keep a school« I asked
»No Trot« said my aunt »He keeps an office«
I asked for no more information about Mr Wickfield as she offered none
and we conversed on other subjects until we came to Canterbury where as it was
marketday my aunt had a great opportunity of insinuating the grey pony among
carts baskets vegetables and hucksters goods The hairbreadth turns and
twists we made drew down upon us a variety of speeches from the people standing
about which were not always complimentary but my aunt drove on with perfect
indifference and I dare say would have taken her own way with as much coolness
through an enemys country
At length we stopped before a very old house bulging out over the road a
house with long low latticewindows bulging out still farther and beams with
carved heads on the ends bulging out too so that I fancied the whole house was
leaning forward trying to see who was passing on the narrow pavement below It
was quite spotless in its cleanliness The oldfashioned brass knocker on the
low arched door ornamented with carved garlands of fruit and flowers twinkled
like a star the two stone steps descending to the door were as white as if they
had been covered with fair linen and all the angles and corners and carvings
and mouldings and quaint little panes of glass and quainter little windows
though as old as the hills were as pure as any snow that ever fell upon the
hills
When the ponychaise stopped at the door and my eyes were intent upon the
house I saw a cadaverous face appear at a small window on the ground floor in
a little round tower that formed one side of the house and quickly disappear
The low arched door then opened and the face came out It was quite as
cadaverous as it had looked in the window though in the grain of it there was
that tinge of red which is sometimes to be observed in the skins of redhaired
people It belonged to a redhaired person a youth of fifteen as I take it
now but looking much older whose hair was cropped as close as the closest
stubble who had hardly any eyebrows and no eyelashes and eyes of a redbrown
so unsheltered and unshaded that I remember wondering how he went to sleep He
was highshouldered and bony dressed in decent black with a white wisp of a
neckcloth buttoned up to the throat and had a long lank skeleton hand which
particularly attracted my attention as he stood at the ponys head rubbing his
chin with it and looking up at us in the chaise
»Is Mr Wickfield at home Uriah Heep« said my aunt
»Mr Wickfields at home maam« said Uriah Heep »if youll please to walk
in there« pointing with his long hand to the room he meant
We got out and leaving him to hold the pony went into a long low parlour
looking towards the street from the window of which I caught a glimpse as I
went in of Uriah Heep breathing into the ponys nostrils and immediately
covering them with his hand as if he were putting some spell upon him Opposite
to the tall old chimneypiece were two portraits one of a gentleman with grey
hair though not by any means an old man and black eyebrows who was looking
over some papers tied together with red tape the other of a lady with a very
placid and sweet expression of face who was looking at me
I believe I was turning about in search of Uriahs picture when a door at
the farther end of the room opening a gentleman entered at sight of whom I
turned to the firstmentioned portrait again to make quite sure that it had not
come out of its frame But it was stationary and as the gentleman advanced into
the light I saw that he was some years older than when he had had his picture
painted
»Miss Betsey Trotwood« said the gentleman »pray walk in I was engaged for
a moment but youll excuse my being busy You know my motive I have but one in
life«
Miss Betsey thanked him and we went into his room which was furnished as
an office with books papers tin boxes and so forth It looked into a garden
and had an iron safe let into the wall so immediately over the mantelshelf
that I wondered as I sat down how the sweeps got round it when they swept the
chimney
»Well Miss Trotwood« said Mr Wickfield for I soon found that it was he
and that he was a lawyer and steward of the estates of a rich gentleman of the
county »what wind blows you here Not an ill wind I hope«
»No« replied my aunt »I have not come for any law«
»Thats right maam« said Mr Wickfield »You had better come for anything
else«
His hair was quite white now though his eyebrows were still black He had a
very agreeable face and I thought was handsome There was a certain richness
in his complexion which I had been long accustomed under Peggottys tuition
to connect with port wine and I fancied it was in his voice too and referred
his growing corpulency to the same cause He was very cleanly dressed in a blue
coat striped waistcoat and nankeen trousers and his fine frilled shirt and
cambric neckcloth looked unusually soft and white reminding my strolling fancy
I call to mind of the plumage on the breast of a swan
»This is my nephew« said my aunt
»Wasnt aware you had one Miss Trotwood« said Mr Wickfield
»My grandnephew that is to say« observed my aunt
»Wasnt aware you had a grandnephew I give you my word« said Mr
Wickfield
»I have adopted him« said my aunt with a wave of her hand importing that
his knowledge and his ignorance were all one to her »and I have brought him
here to put him to a school where he may be thoroughly well taught and well
treated Now tell me where that school is and what it is and all about it«
»Before I can advise you properly« said Mr Wickfield »the old question
you know Whats your motive in this«
»Deuce take the man« exclaimed my aunt »Always fishing for motives when
theyre on the surface Why to make the child happy and useful«
»It must be a mixed motive I think« said Mr Wickfield shaking his head
and smiling incredulously
»A mixed fiddlestick« returned my aunt »You claim to have one plain motive
in all you do yourself You dont suppose I hope that you are the only plain
dealer in the world«
»Ay but I have only one motive in life Miss Trotwood« he rejoined
smiling »Other people have dozens scores hundreds I have only one Theres
the difference However thats beside the question The best school Whatever
the motive you want the best«
My aunt nodded assent
»At the best we have« said Mr Wickfield considering »your nephew
couldnt board just now«
»But he could board somewhere else I suppose« suggested my aunt
Mr Wickfield thought I could After a little discussion he proposed to
take my aunt to the school that she might see it and judge for herself also
to take her with the same object to two or three houses where he thought I
could be boarded My aunt embracing the proposal we were all three going out
together when he stopped and said
»Our little friend here might have some motive perhaps for objecting to
the arrangements I think we had better leave him behind«
My aunt seemed disposed to contest the point but to facilitate matters I
said I would gladly remain behind if they pleased and returned into Mr
Wickfields office where I sat down again in the chair I had first occupied
to await their return
It so happened that this chair was opposite a narrow passage which ended in
the little circular room where I had seen Uriah Heeps pale face looking out of
window Uriah having taken the pony to a neighbouring stable was at work at a
desk in this room which had a brass frame on the top to hang paper upon and on
which the writing he was making a copy of was then hanging Though his face was
towards me I thought for some time the writing being between us that he
could not see me but looking that way more attentively it made me
uncomfortable to observe that every now and then his sleepless eyes would come
below the writing like two red suns and stealthily stare at me for I dare say
a whole minute at a time during which his pen went or pretended to go as
cleverly as ever I made several attempts to get out of their way such as
standing on a chair to look at a map on the other side of the room and poring
over the columns of a Kentish newspaper but they always attracted me back
again and whenever I looked towards those two red suns I was sure to find
them either just rising or just setting
At length much to my relief my aunt and Mr Wickfield came back after a
pretty long absence They were not so successful as I could have wished for
though the advantages of the school were undeniable my aunt had not approved of
any of the boardinghouses proposed for me
»Its very unfortunate« said my aunt »I dont know what to do Trot«
»It does happen unfortunately« said Mr Wickfield »But Ill tell you what
you can do Miss Trotwood«
»Whats that« inquired my aunt
»Leave your nephew here for the present Hes a quiet fellow He wont
disturb me at all Its a capital house for study As quiet as a monastery and
almost as roomy Leave him here«
My aunt evidently liked the offer though she was delicate of accepting it
So did I
»Come Miss Trotwood« said Mr Wickfield »This is the way out of the
difficulty Its only a temporary arrangement you know If it dont act well
or dont quite accord with our mutual convenience he can easily go to the
rightabout There will be time to find some better place for him in the
meanwhile You had better determine to leave him here for the present«
»I am very much obliged to you« said my aunt »and so is he I see but «
»Come I know what you mean« cried Mr Wickfield »You shall not be
oppressed by the receipt of favours Miss Trotwood You may pay for him if you
like We wont be hard about terms but you shall pay if you will«
»On that understanding« said my aunt »though it doesnt lessen the real
obligation I shall be very glad to leave him«
»Then come and see my little housekeeper« said Mr Wickfield
We accordingly went up a wonderful old staircase with a balustrade so broad
that we might have gone up that almost as easily and into a shady old
drawingroom lighted by some three or four of the quaint windows I had looked
up at from the street which had old oak seats in them that seemed to have come
of the same trees as the shining oak floor and the great beams in the ceiling
It was a prettily furnished room with a piano and some lively furniture in red
and green and some flowers It seemed to be all old nooks and corners and in
every nook and corner there was some queer little table or cupboard or
bookcase or seat or something or other that made me think there was not such
another good corner in the room until I looked at the next one and found it
equal to it if not better On everything there was the same air of retirement
and cleanliness that marked the house outside
Mr Wickfield tapped at a door in a corner of the panelled wall and a girl
of about my own age came quickly out and kissed him On her face I saw
immediately the placid and sweet expression of the lady whose picture had looked
at me downstairs It seemed to my imagination as if the portrait had grown
womanly and the original remained a child Although her face was quite bright
and happy there was a tranquillity about it and about her a quiet good
calm spirit that I never have forgotten that I never shall forget
This was his little housekeeper his daughter Agnes Mr Wickfield said
When I heard how he said it and saw how he held her hand I guessed what the
one motive of his life was
She had a little baskettrifle hanging at her side with keys in it and she
looked as staid and as discreet a housekeeper as the old house could have She
listened to her father as he told her about me with a pleasant face and when
he had concluded proposed to my aunt that we should go upstairs and see my
room We all went together she before us A glorious old room it was with more
oak beams and diamond panes and the broad balustrade going all the way up to
it
I cannot call to mind where or when in my childhood I had seen a stained
glass window in a church Nor do I recollect its subject But I know that when I
saw her turn round in the grave light of the old staircase and wait for us
above I thought of that window and I associated something of its tranquil
brightness with Agnes Wickfield ever afterwards
My aunt was as happy as I was in the arrangement made for me and we went
down to the drawingroom again well pleased and gratified As she would not
hear of staying to dinner lest she should by any chance fail to arrive at home
with the grey pony before dark and as I apprehend Mr Wickfield knew her too
well to argue any point with her some lunch was provided for her there and
Agnes went back to her governess and Mr Wickfield to his office So we were
left to take leave of one another without any restraint
She told me that everything would be arranged for me by Mr Wickfield and
that I should want for nothing and gave me the kindest words and the best
advice
»Trot« said my aunt in conclusion »be a credit to yourself to me and Mr
Dick and Heaven be with you«
I was greatly overcome and could only thank her again and again and send
my love to Mr Dick
»Never« said my aunt »be mean in anything never be false never be cruel
Avoid those three vices Trot and I can always be hopeful of you«
I promised as well as I could that I would not abuse her kindness or
forget her admonition
»The ponys at the door« said my aunt »and I am off Stay here«
With these words she embraced me hastily and went out of the room shutting
the door after her At first I was startled by so abrupt a departure and almost
feared I had displeased her but when I looked into the street and saw how
dejectedly she got into the chaise and drove away without looking up I
understood her better and did not do her that injustice
By five oclock which was Mr Wickfields dinnerhour I had mustered up my
spirits again and was ready for my knife and fork The cloth was only laid for
us two but Agnes was waiting in the drawingroom before dinner went down with
her father and sat opposite to him at table I doubted whether he could have
dined without her
We did not stay there after dinner but came upstairs into the
drawingroom again in one snug corner of which Agnes set glasses for her
father and a decanter of port wine I thought he would have missed its usual
flavour if it had been put there for him by any other hands
There he sat taking his wine and taking a good deal of it for two hours
while Agnes played on the piano worked and talked to him and me He was for
the most part gay and cheerful with us but sometimes his eyes rested on her
and he fell into a brooding state and was silent She always observed this
quickly I thought and always roused him with a question or caress Then he
came out of his meditation and drank more wine
Agnes made the tea and presided over it and the time passed away after it
as after dinner until she went to bed when her father took her in his arms and
kissed her and she being gone ordered candles in his office Then I went to
bed too
But in the course of the evening I had rambled down to the door and a
little way along the street that I might have another peep at the old houses
and the grey Cathedral and might think of my coming through that old city on my
journey and of my passing the very house I lived in without knowing it As I
came back I saw Uriah Heep shutting up the office and feeling friendly
towards everybody went in and spoke to him and at parting gave him my hand
But oh what a clammy hand his was as ghostly to the touch as to the sight I
rubbed mine afterwards to warm it and to rub his off
It was such an uncomfortable hand that when I went to my room it was
still cold and wet upon my memory Leaning out of window and seeing one of the
faces on the beamends looking at me sideways I fancied it was Uriah Heep got
up there somehow and shut him out in a hurry
Chapter XVI
I Am a New Boy in More Senses than One
Next morning after breakfast I entered on school life again I went
accompanied by Mr Wickfield to the scene of my future studies a grave
building in a courtyard with a learned air about it that seemed very well
suited to the stray rooks and jackdaws who came down from the Cathedral towers
to walk with a clerkly bearing on the grassplot and was introduced to my new
master Doctor Strong
Doctor Strong looked almost as rusty to my thinking as the tall iron rails
and gates outside the house and almost as stiff and heavy as the great stone
urns that flanked them and were set up on the top of the redbrick wall at
regular distances all round the court like sublimated skittles for Time to
play at He was in his library I mean Doctor Strong was with his clothes not
particularly well brushed and his hair not particularly well combed his
kneesmalls unbraced his long black gaiters unbuttoned and his shoes yawning
like two caverns on the hearthrug Turning upon me a lustreless eye that
reminded me of a longforgotten blind old horse who once used to crop the grass
and tumble over the graves in Blunderstone churchyard he said he was glad to
see me and then he gave me his hand which I didnt know what to do with as it
did nothing for itself.
But, sitting at work not far off from Doctor Strong was a very pretty
young lady whom he called Annie and who was his daughter I supposed who
got me out of my difficulty by kneeling down to put Doctor Strongs shoes on
and button his gaiters which she did with great cheerfulness and quickness
When she had finished and we were going out to the schoolroom I was much
surprised to hear Mr Wickfield in bidding her good morning address her as
»Mrs Strong« and I was wondering could she be Doctor Strongs sons wife or
could she be Mrs Doctor Strong when Doctor Strong himself unconsciously
enlightened me
»Bythebye Wickfield« he said stopping in a passage with his hand on my
shoulder »you have not found any suitable provision for my wifes cousin yet«
»No« said Mr Wickfield »No Not yet«
»I could wish it done as soon as it can be done Wickfield« said Doctor
Strong »for Jack Maldon is needy and idle and of those two bad things worse
things sometimes come What does Doctor Watts say« he added looking at me and
moving his head to the time of his quotation »Satan finds some mischief still
for idle hands to do«
»Egad Doctor« returned Mr Wickfield »if Doctor Watts knew mankind he
might have written with as much truth Satan finds some mischief still for
busy hands to do The busy people achieve their full share of mischief in the
world you may rely upon it What have the people been about who have been the
busiest in getting money and in getting power this century or two No
mischief«
»Jack Maldon will never be very busy in getting either I expect« said
Doctor Strong rubbing his chin thoughtfully
»Perhaps not« said Mr Wickfield »and you bring me back to the question
with an apology for digressing No I have not been able to dispose of Mr Jack
Maldon yet I believe« he said this with some hesitation »I penetrate your
motive and it makes the thing more difficult«
»My motive« returned Doctor Strong »is to make some suitable provision for
a cousin and an old playfellow of Annies«
»Yes I know« said Mr Wickfield »at home or abroad«
»Ay« replied the Doctor apparently wondering why he emphasised those words
so much »At home or abroad«
»Your own expression you know« said Mr Wickfield »Or abroad«
»Surely« the Doctor answered »Surely One or other«
»One or other Have you no choice« asked Mr Wickfield
»No« returned the Doctor
»No« with astonishment
»Not the least«
»No motive« said Mr Wickfield »for meaning abroad and not at home«
»No« returned the Doctor
»I am bound to believe you and of course I do believe you« said Mr
Wickfield »It might have simplified my office very much if I had known it
before But I confess I entertained another impression«
Doctor Strong regarded him with a puzzled and doubting look which almost
immediately subsided into a smile that gave me great encouragement for it was
full of amiability and sweetness and there was a simplicity in it and indeed
in his whole manner when the studious pondering frost upon it was got through
very attractive and hopeful to a young scholar like me Repeating »no« and »not
the least« and other short assurances to the same purport Doctor Strong jogged
on before us at a queer uneven pace and we followed Mr Wickfield looking
grave I observed and shaking his head to himself without knowing that I saw
him
The schoolroom was a pretty large hall on the quietest side of the house
confronted by the stately stare of some halfdozen of the great urns and
commanding a peep of an old secluded garden belonging to the Doctor where the
peaches were ripening on the sunny south wall There were two great aloes in
tubs on the turf outside the windows the broad hard leaves of which plant
looking as if they were made of painted tin have ever since by association
been symbolical to me of silence and retirement About fiveandtwenty boys were
studiously engaged at their books when we went in but they rose to give the
Doctor good morning and remained standing when they saw Mr Wickfield and me
»A new boy young gentlemen« said the Doctor »Trotwood Copperfield«
One Adams who was the headboy then stepped out of his place and welcomed
me He looked like a young clergyman in his white cravat but he was very
affable and goodhumoured and he showed me my place and presented me to the
masters in a gentlemanly way that would have put me at my ease if anything
could
It seemed to me so long however since I had been among such boys or among
any companions of my own age except Mick Walker and Mealy Potatoes that I felt
as strange as ever I have done in all my life I was so conscious of having
passed through scenes of which they could have no knowledge and of having
acquired experiences foreign to my age appearance and condition as one of
them that I half believed it was an imposture to come there as an ordinary
little schoolboy I had become in the Murdstone and Grinby time however short
or long it may have been so unused to the sports and games of boys that I knew
I was awkward and inexperienced in the commonest things belonging to them
Whatever I had learnt had so slipped away from me in the sordid cares of my
life from day to night that now when I was examined about what I knew I knew
nothing and was put into the lowest form of the school But troubled as I was
by my want of boyish skill and of booklearning too I was made infinitely more
uncomfortable by the consideration that in what I did know I was much farther
removed from my companions than in what I did not My mind ran upon what they
would think if they knew of my familiar acquaintance with the Kings Bench
Prison Was there anything about me which would reveal my proceedings in
connexion with the Micawber family all those pawnings and sellings and
suppers in spite of myself Suppose some of the boys had seen me coming
through Canterbury wayworn and ragged and should find me out What would they
say who made so light of money if they could know how I had scraped my
halfpence together for the purchase of my daily saveloy and beer or my slices
of pudding How would it affect them who were so innocent of London life and
London streets to discover how knowing I was and was ashamed to be in some of
the meanest phases of both All this ran in my head so much on that first day
at Doctor Strongs that I felt distrustful of my slightest look and gesture
shrunk within myself whensoever I was approached by one of my new schoolfellows
and hurried off the minute school was over afraid of committing myself in my
response to any friendly notice or advance
But there was such an influence in Mr Wickfields old house that when I
knocked at it with my new schoolbooks under my arm I began to feel my
uneasiness softening away As I went up to my airy old room the grave shadow of
the staircase seemed to fall upon my doubts and fears and to make the past more
indistinct I sat there sturdily conning my books until dinnertime we were
out of school for good at three and went down hopeful of becoming a passable
sort of boy yet
Agnes was in the drawingroom waiting for her father who was detained by
some one in his office She met me with her pleasant smile and asked me how I
liked the school I told her I should like it very much I hoped but I was a
little strange to it at first
»You have never been to school« I said »have you«
»Oh yes Every day«
»Ah but you mean here at your own home«
»Papa couldnt spare me to go anywhere else« she answered smiling and
shaking her head »His housekeeper must be in his house you know«
»He is very fond of you I am sure« I said
She nodded »Yes« and went to the door to listen for his coming up that she
might meet him on the stairs But as he was not there she came back again
»Mama has been dead ever since I was born« she said in her quiet way »I
only know her picture downstairs I saw you looking at it yesterday Did you
think whose it was«
I told her yes because it was so like herself
»Papa says so too« said Agnes pleased »Hark Thats papa now«
Her bright calm face lighted up with pleasure as she went to meet him and
as they came in hand in hand He greeted me cordially and told me I should
certainly be happy under Doctor Strong who was one of the gentlest of men
»There may be some perhaps I dont know that there are who abuse his
kindness« said Mr Wickfield »Never be one of those Trotwood in anything He
is the least suspicious of mankind and whether thats a merit or whether its
a blemish it deserves consideration in all dealings with the Doctor great or
small«
He spoke I thought as if he were weary or dissatisfied with something
but I did not pursue the question in my mind for dinner was just then
announced and we went down and took the same seats as before
We had scarcely done so when Uriah Heep put in his red head and his lank
hand at the door and said
»Heres Mr Maldon begs the favour of a word sir«
»I am but this moment quit of Mr Maldon« said his master
»Yes sir« returned Uriah »but Mr Maldon has come back and he begs the
favour of a word«
As he held the door open with his hand Uriah looked at me and looked at
Agnes and looked at the dishes and looked at the plates and looked at every
object in the room I thought yet seemed to look at nothing he made such an
appearance all the while of keeping his red eyes dutifully on his master
»I beg your pardon Its only to say on reflection« observed a voice
behind Uriah as Uriahs head was pushed away and the speakers substituted
»pray excuse me for this intrusion that as it seems I have no choice in the
matter the sooner I go abroad the better My cousin Annie did say when we
talked of it that she liked to have her friends within reach rather than to
have them banished and the old Doctor «
»Doctor Strong was that« Mr Wickfield interposed gravely
»Doctor Strong of course« returned the other »I call him the old Doctor
its all the same you know«
»I dont know« returned Mr Wickfield
»Well Doctor Strong« said the other »Doctor Strong was of the same mind
I believed But as it appears from the course you take with me that he has
changed his mind why theres no more to be said except that the sooner I am
off the better Therefore I thought Id come back and say that the sooner I
am off the better When a plunge is to be made into the water its of no use
lingering on the bank«
»There shall be as little lingering as possible in your case Mr Maldon
you may depend upon it« said Mr Wickfield
»Thankee« said the other »Much obliged I dont want to look a gifthorse
in the mouth which is not a gracious thing to do otherwise I dare say my
cousin Annie could easily arrange it in her own way I suppose Annie would only
have to say to the old Doctor «
»Meaning that Mrs Strong would only have to say to her husband do I
follow you« said Mr Wickfield
»Quite so« returned the other » would only have to say that she wanted
such and such a thing to be so and so and it would be so and so as a matter of
course«
»And why as a matter of course Mr Maldon« asked Mr Wickfield sedately
eating his dinner
»Why because Annies a charming young girl and the old Doctor Doctor
Strong I mean is not quite a charming young boy« said Mr Jack Maldon
laughing »No offence to anybody Mr Wickfield I only mean that I suppose some
compensation is fair and reasonable in that sort of marriage«
»Compensation to the lady sir« asked Mr Wickfield gravely
»To the lady sir« Mr Jack Maldon answered laughing But appearing to
remark that Mr Wickfield went on with his dinner in the same sedate immoveable
manner and that there was no hope of making him relax a muscle of his face he
added
»However I have said what I came back to say and with another apology for
this intrusion I may take myself off Of course I shall observe your
directions in considering the matter as one to be arranged between you and me
solely and not to be referred to up at the Doctors«
»Have you dined« asked Mr Wickfield with a motion of his hand towards the
table
»Thankee I am going to dine« said Mr Maldon »with my cousin Annie
Goodbye«
Mr Wickfield without rising looked after him thoughtfully as he went out
He was rather a shallow sort of young gentleman I thought with a handsome
face a rapid utterance and a confident bold air And this was the first I ever
saw of Mr Jack Maldon whom I had not expected to see so soon when I heard the
Doctor speak of him that morning
When we had dined we went upstairs again where everything went on exactly
as on the previous day Agnes set the glasses and decanters in the same corner
and Mr Wickfield sat down to drink and drank a good deal Agnes played the
piano to him sat by him and worked and talked and played some games at
dominoes with me In good time she made tea and afterwards when I brought down
my books looked into them and showed me what she knew of them which was no
slight matter though she said it was and what was the best way to learn and
understand them I see her with her modest orderly placid manner and I hear
her beautiful calm voice as I write these words The influence for all good
which she came to exercise over me at a later time begins already to descend
upon my breast I love little Emly and I dont love Agnes no not at all in
that way but I feel that there are goodness peace and truth wherever Agnes
is and that the soft light of the coloured window in the church seen long ago
falls on her always and on me when I am near her and on everything around
The time having come for her withdrawal for the night and she having left
us I gave Mr Wickfield my hand preparatory to going away myself But he
checked me and said »Should you like to stay with us Trotwood or to go
elsewhere«
»To stay« I answered quickly
»You are sure«
»If you please If I may«
»Why its but a dull life that we lead here boy I am afraid« he said
»Not more dull for me than Agnes sir Not dull at all«
»Than Agnes« he repeated walking slowly to the great chimneypiece and
leaning against it »Than Agnes«
He had drank wine that evening or I fancied it until his eyes were
bloodshot Not that I could see them now for they were cast down and shaded by
his hand but I had noticed them a little while before
»Now I wonder« he muttered »whether my Agnes tires of me When should I
ever tire of her But thats different thats quite different«
He was musing not speaking to me so I remained quiet
»A dull old house« he said »and a monotonous life but I must have her
near me I must keep her near me If the thought that I may die and leave my
darling or that my darling may die and leave me comes like a spectre to
distress my happiest hours and is only to be drowned in «
He did not supply the word but pacing slowly to the place where he had sat
and mechanically going through the action of pouring wine from the empty
decanter set it down and paced back again
»If it is miserable to bear when she is here« he said »what would it be
and she away No no no I cannot try that«
He leaned against the chimneypiece brooding so long that I could not
decide whether to run the risk of disturbing him by going or to remain quietly
where I was until he should come out of his reverie At length he aroused
himself and looked about the room until his eyes encountered mine
»Stay with us Trotwood eh« he said in his usual manner and as if he were
answering something I had just said »I am glad of it You are company to us
both It is wholesome to have you here Wholesome for me wholesome for Agnes
wholesome perhaps for all of us«
»I am sure it is for me sir« I said »I am so glad to be here«
»Thats a fine fellow« said Mr Wickfield »As long as you are glad to be
here you shall stay here« He shook hands with me upon it and clapped me on
the back and told me that when I had anything to do at night after Agnes had
left us or when I wished to read for my own pleasure I was free to come down
to his room if he were there and if I desired it for companys sake and to
sit with him I thanked him for his consideration and as he went down soon
afterwards and I was not tired went down too with a book in my hand to avail
myself for halfanhour of his permission
But seeing a light in the little round office and immediately feeling
myself attracted towards Uriah Heep who had a sort of fascination for me I
went in there instead I found Uriah reading a great fat book with such
demonstrative attention that his lank forefinger followed up every line as he
read and made clammy tracks along the page or so I fully believed like a
snail
»You are working late tonight Uriah« says I
»Yes Master Copperfield« says Uriah
As I was getting on the stool opposite to talk to him more conveniently I
observed that he had not such a thing as a smile about him and that he could
only widen his mouth and make two hard creases down his cheeks one on each
side to stand for one
»I am not doing officework Master Copperfield« said Uriah
»What work then« I asked
»I am improving my legal knowledge Master Copperfield« said Uriah »I am
going through Tidds Practice Oh what a writer Mr Tidd is Master
Copperfield«
My stool was such a tower of observation that as I watched him reading on
again after this rapturous exclamation and following up the lines with his
forefinger I observed that his nostrils which were thin and pointed with
sharp dints in them had a singular and most uncomfortable way of expanding and
contracting themselves that they seemed to twinkle instead of his eyes which
hardly ever twinkled at all
»I suppose you are quite a great lawyer« I said after looking at him for
some time
»Me Master Copperfield« said Uriah »Oh no Im a very umble person«
It was no fancy of mine about his hands I observed for he frequently
ground the palms against each other as if to squeeze them dry and warm besides
often wiping them in a stealthy way on his pockethandkerchief
»I am well aware that I am the umblest person going« said Uriah Heep
modestly »let the other be where he may My mother is likewise a very umble
person We live in a numble abode Master Copperfield but have much to be
thankful for My fathers former calling was umble He was a sexton«
»What is he now« I asked
»He is a partaker of glory at present Master Copperfield« said Uriah Heep
»But we have much to be thankful for How much have I to be thankful for in
living with Mr Wickfield«
I asked Uriah if he had been with Mr Wickfield long
»I have been with him going on four year Master Copperfield« said Uriah
shutting up his book after carefully marking the place where he had left off
»Since a year after my fathers death How much have I to be thankful for in
that How much have I to be thankful for in Mr Wickfields kind intention to
give me my articles which would otherwise not lay within the umble means of
mother and self«
»Then when your articled time is over youll be a regular lawyer I
suppose« said I
»With the blessing of Providence Master Copperfield« returned Uriah
»Perhaps youll be a partner in Mr Wickfields business one of these
days« I said to make myself agreeable »and it will be Wickfield and Heep or
Heep late Wickfield«
»Oh no Master Copperfield« returned Uriah shaking his head »I am much
too umble for that«
He certainly did look uncommonly like the carved face on the beam outside my
window as he sat in his humility eyeing me sideways with his mouth widened
and the creases in his cheeks
»Mr Wickfield is a most excellent man Master Copperfield« said Uriah »If
you have known him long you know it I am sure much better than I can inform
you«
I replied that I was certain he was but that I had not known him long
myself though he was a friend of my aunts
»Oh indeed Master Copperfield« said Uriah »Your aunt is a sweet lady
Master Copperfield«
He had a way of writhing when he wanted to express enthusiasm which was
very ugly and which diverted my attention from the compliment he had paid my
relation, to the snaky twistings of his throat and body
»A sweet lady Master Copperfield« said Uriah Heep »She has a great
admiration for Miss Agnes Master Copperfield I believe«
I said »Yes« boldly not that I knew anything about it Heaven forgive me
»I hope you have too Master Copperfield« said Uriah »But I am sure you
must have«
»Everybody must have« I returned
»Oh thank you Master Copperfield« said Uriah Heep »for that remark It
is so true Umble as I am I know it is so true Oh thank you Master
Copperfield«
He writhed himself quite off his stool in the excitement of his feelings
and being off began to make arrangements for going home
»Mother will be expecting me« he said referring to a pale
inexpressivefaced watch in his pocket »and getting uneasy for though we are
very umble Master Copperfield we are much attached to one another. If you
would come and see us any afternoon and take a cup of tea at our lowly
dwelling mother would be as proud of your company as I should be«
I said I should be glad to come
»Thank you Master Copperfield« returned Uriah putting his book away upon
the shelf »I suppose you stop here some time Master Copperfield«
I said I was going to be brought up there I believed as long as I remained
at school
»Oh indeed« exclaimed Uriah »I should think you would come into the
business at last Master Copperfield«
I protested that I had no views of that sort and that no such scheme was
entertained in my behalf by anybody but Uriah insisted on blandly replying to
all my assurances »Oh yes Master Copperfield I should think you would
indeed« and »Oh indeed Master Copperfield I should think you would
certainly« over and over again Being at last ready to leave the office for
the night he asked me if it would suit my convenience to have the light put
out and on my answering »Yes« instantly extinguished it After shaking hands
with me his hand felt like a fish in the dark he opened the door into the
street a very little and crept out and shut it leaving me to grope my way
back into the house which cost me some trouble and a fall over his stool This
was the proximate cause I suppose of my dreaming about him for what appeared
to me to be half the night and dreaming among other things that he had
launched Mr Peggottys house on a piratical expedition with a black flag at
the masthead bearing the inscription »Tidds Practice« under which diabolical
ensign he was carrying me and little Emly to the Spanish Main to be drowned
I got a little the better of my uneasiness when I went to school next day
and a good deal the better next day and so shook it off by degrees that in
less than a fortnight I was quite at home and happy among my new companions I
was awkward enough in their games and backward enough in their studies but
custom would improve me in the first respect I hoped and hard work in the
second Accordingly I went to work very hard both in play and in earnest and
gained great commendation And in a very little while the Murdstone and Grinby
life became so strange to me that I hardly believed in it while my present life
grew so familiar that I seemed to have been leading it a long time
Doctor Strongs was an excellent school as different from Mr Creakles as
good is from evil It was very gravely and decorously ordered and on a sound
system with an appeal in everything to the honour and good faith of the boys
and an avowed intention to rely on their possession of those qualities unless
they proved themselves unworthy of it which worked wonders We all felt that we
had a part in the management of the place and in sustaining its character and
dignity Hence we soon became warmly attached to it I am sure I did for one
and I never knew in all my time of any other boy being otherwise and learnt
with a good will desiring to do it credit We had noble games out of hours and
plenty of liberty but even then as I remember we were well spoken of in the
town and rarely did any disgrace by our appearance or manner to the
reputation of Doctor Strong and Doctor Strongs boys
Some of the higher scholars boarded in the Doctors house and through them
I learned at second hand some particulars of the Doctors history As how he
had not yet been married twelve months to the beautiful young lady I had seen in
the study whom he had married for love for she had not a sixpence and had a
world of poor relations so our fellows said ready to swarm the Doctor out of
house and home Also how the Doctors cogitating manner was attributable to his
being always engaged in looking out for Greek roots which in my innocence and
ignorance I supposed to be a botanical furor on the Doctors part especially
as he always looked at the ground when he walked about until I understood that
they were roots of words with a view to a new Dictionary which he had in
contemplation Adams our headboy who had a turn for mathematics had made a
calculation I was informed of the time this Dictionary would take in
completing on the Doctors plan and at the Doctors rate of going He
considered that it might be done in one thousand six hundred and fortynine
years counting from the Doctors last or sixtysecond birthday
But the Doctor himself was the idol of the whole school and it must have
been a badlycomposed school if he had been anything else for he was the
kindest of men with a simple faith in him that might have touched the stone
hearts of the very urns upon the wall As he walked up and down that part of the
courtyard which was at the side of the house with the stray rooks and jackdaws
looking after him with their heads cocked slyly as if they knew how much more
knowing they were in worldly affairs than he if any sort of vagabond could only
get near enough to his creaking shoes to attract his attention to one sentence
of a tale of distress that vagabond was made for the next two days It was so
notorious in the house that the masters and headboys took pains to cut these
marauders off at angles and to get out of windows and turn them out of the
courtyard before they could make the Doctor aware of their presence which was
sometimes happily effected within a few yards of him without his knowing
anything of the matter as he jogged to and fro Outside his own domain and
unprotected he was a very sheep for the shearers He would have taken his
gaiters off his legs to give away In fact there was a story current among us
I have no idea and never had on what authority but I have believed it for so
many years that I feel quite certain it is true that on a frosty day one
wintertime he actually did bestow his gaiters on a beggarwoman who
occasioned some scandal in the neighbourhood by exhibiting a fine infant from
door to door wrapped in those garments which were universally recognised
being as well known in the vicinity as the Cathedral The legend added that the
only person who did not identify them was the Doctor himself who when they
were shortly afterwards displayed at the door of a little secondhand shop of no
very good repute where such things were taken in exchange for gin was more
than once observed to handle them approvingly as if admiring some curious
novelty in the pattern and considering them an improvement on his own
It was very pleasant to see the Doctor with his pretty young wife He had a
fatherly benignant way of showing his fondness for her which seemed in itself
to express a good man I often saw them walking in the garden where the peaches
were and I sometimes had a nearer observation of them in the study or the
parlour She appeared to me to take great care of the Doctor and to like him
very much though I never thought her vitally interested in the Dictionary some
cumbrous fragments of which work the Doctor always carried in his pockets and
in the lining of his hat and generally seemed to be expounding to her as they
walked about
I saw a good deal of Mrs Strong both because she had taken a liking for me
on the morning of my introduction to the Doctor and was always afterwards kind
to me and interested in me and because she was very fond of Agnes and was
often backwards and forwards at our house There was a curious constraint
between her and Mr Wickfield I thought of whom she seemed to be afraid that
never wore off When she came there of an evening she always shrunk from
accepting his escort home and ran away with me instead And sometimes as we
were running gaily across the Cathedral yard together expecting to meet nobody
we would meet Mr Jack Maldon who was always surprised to see us
Mrs Strongs mama was a lady I took great delight in Her name was Mrs
Markleham but our boys used to call her the Old Soldier on account of her
generalship and the skill with which she marshalled great forces of relations
against the Doctor She was a little sharpeyed woman who used to wear when
she was dressed one unchangeable cap ornamented with some artificial flowers
and two artificial butterflies supposed to be hovering above the flowers There
was a superstition among us that this cap had come from France and could only
originate in the workmanship of that ingenious nation but all I certainly know
about it is that it always made its appearance of an evening wheresoever Mrs
Markleham made her appearance that it was carried about to friendly meetings in
a Hindoo basket that the butterflies had the gift of trembling constantly and
that they improved the shining hours at Doctor Strongs expense like busy bees
I observed the Old Soldier not to adopt the name disrespectfully to
pretty good advantage on a night which is made memorable to me by something
else I shall relate It was the night of a little party at the Doctors which
was given on the occasion of Mr Jack Maldons departure for India whither he
was going as a cadet or something of that kind Mr Wickfield having at length
arranged the business It happened to be the Doctors birthday too We had had
a holiday had made presents to him in the morning had made a speech to him
through the headboy and had cheered him until we were hoarse and until he had
shed tears And now in the evening Mr Wickfield Agnes and I went to have
tea with him in his private capacity
Mr Jack Maldon was there before us Mrs Strong dressed in white with
cherrycoloured ribbons was playing the piano when we went in and he was
leaning over her to turn the leaves The clear red and white of her complexion
was not so blooming and flowerlike as usual I thought when she turned round
but she looked very pretty wonderfully pretty
»I have forgotten Doctor« said Mrs Strongs mama when we were seated
»to pay you the compliments of the day though they are as you may suppose
very far from being mere compliments in my case Allow me to wish you many happy
returns«
»I thank you maam« replied the Doctor
»Many many many happy returns« said the Old Soldier »Not only for your
own sake but for Annies and John Maldons and many other peoples It seems
but yesterday to me John when you were a little creature a head shorter than
Master Copperfield making baby love to Annie behind the gooseberry bushes in
the backgarden«
»My dear mama« said Mrs Strong »never mind that now«
»Annie dont be absurd« returned her mother »If you are to blush to hear
of such things now you are an old married woman when are you not to blush to
hear of them«
»Old« exclaimed Mr Jack Maldon »Annie Come«
»Yes John« returned the Soldier »Virtually an old married woman
Although not old by years for when did you ever hear me say or who has ever
heard me say that a girl of twenty was old by years your cousin is the wife
of the Doctor and as such what I have described her It is well for you
John that your cousin is the wife of the Doctor You have found in him an
influential and kind friend who will be kinder yet I venture to predict if
you deserve it I have no false pride I never hesitate to admit frankly that
there are some members of our family who want a friend You were one yourself
before your cousins influence raised up one for you«
The Doctor in the goodness of his heart waved his hand as if to make light
of it and save Mr Jack Maldon from any further reminder But Mrs Markleham
changed her chair for one next the Doctors and putting her fan on his
coatsleeve said
»No really my dear Doctor you must excuse me if I appear to dwell on this
rather because I feel so very strongly I call it quite my monomania it is
such a subject of mine You are a blessing to us You really are a Boon you
know«
»Nonsense nonsense« said the Doctor
»No no I beg your pardon« retorted the Old Soldier »With nobody present
but our dear and confidential friend Mr Wickfield I cannot consent to be put
down I shall begin to assert the privileges of a motherinlaw if you go on
like that and scold you I am perfectly honest and outspoken What I am saying
is what I said when you first overpowered me with surprise you remember how
surprised I was by proposing for Annie Not that there was anything so very
much out of the way in the mere fact of the proposal it would be ridiculous
to say that but because you having known her poor father and having known
her from a baby six months old I hadnt thought of you in such a light at all
or indeed as a marrying man in any way simply that you know«
»Aye aye« returned the Doctor goodhumouredly »Never mind«
»But I do mind« said the Old Soldier laying her fan upon his lips »I mind
very much I recall these things that I may be contradicted if I am wrong Well
Then I spoke to Annie and I told her what had happened I said My dear heres
Doctor Strong has positively been and made you the subject of a handsome
declaration and an offer Did I press it in the least No I said Now Annie
tell me the truth this moment is your heart free Mama she said crying I am
extremely young which was perfectly true and I hardly know if I have a heart
at all Then my dear I said you may rely upon it its free At all events
my love said I Doctor Strong is in an agitated state of mind and must be
answered He cannot be kept in his present state of suspense Mama said Annie
still crying would he be unhappy without me If he would I honour and respect
him so much that I think I will have him So it was settled And then and not
till then I said to Annie Annie Doctor Strong will not only be your husband
but he will represent your late father he will represent the head of our
family he will represent the wisdom and station and I may say the means of
our family and will be in short a Boon to it I used the word at the time
and I have used it again today If I have any merit it is consistency«
The daughter had sat quite silent and still during this speech with her
eyes fixed on the ground her cousin standing near her and looking on the
ground too She now said very softly in a trembling voice
»Mama I hope you have finished«
»No my dear Annie« returned the Soldier »I have not quite finished Since
you ask me my love I reply that I have not I complain that you really are a
little unnatural towards your own family and as it is of no use complaining to
you I mean to complain to your husband Now my dear Doctor do look at that
silly wife of yours«
As the Doctor turned his kind face with its smile of simplicity and
gentleness towards her she drooped her head more I noticed that Mr Wickfield
looked at her steadily
»When I happened to say to that naughty thing the other day« pursued her
mother shaking her head and her fan at her playfully »that there was a family
circumstance she might mention to you indeed I think was bound to mention
she said that to mention it was to ask a favour and that as you were too
generous and as for her to ask was always to have she wouldnt«
»Annie my dear« said the Doctor »That was wrong It robbed me of a
pleasure«
»Almost the very words I said to her« exclaimed her mother »Now really
another time when I know what she would tell you but for this reason and
wont I have a great mind my dear Doctor to tell you myself«
»I shall be glad if you will« returned the Doctor
»Shall I«
»Certainly«
»Well then I will« said the Old Soldier »Thats a bargain« And having
I suppose carried her point she tapped the Doctors hand several times with
her fan which she kissed first and returned triumphantly to her former
station
Some more company coming in among whom were the two masters and Adams the
talk became general and it naturally turned on Mr Jack Maldon and his voyage
and the country he was going to and his various plans and prospects He was to
leave that night after supper in a postchaise for Gravesend where the ship
in which he was to make the voyage lay and was to be gone unless he came
home on leave or for his health I dont know how many years I recollect it
was settled by general consent that India was quite a misrepresented country
and had nothing objectionable in it but a tiger or two and a little heat in
the warm part of the day For my own part I looked on Mr Jack Maldon as a
modern Sindbad and pictured him the bosom friend of all the Rajahs in the East
sitting under canopies smoking curly golden pipes a mile long if they could
be straightened out
Mrs Strong was a very pretty singer as I knew who often heard her singing
by herself But whether she was afraid of singing before people or was out of
voice that evening it was certain that she couldnt sing at all She tried a
duet once with her cousin Maldon but could not so much as begin and
afterwards when she tried to sing by herself although she began sweetly her
voice died away on a sudden and left her quite distressed with her head
hanging down over the keys The good Doctor said she was nervous and to
relieve her proposed a round game at cards of which he knew as much as of the
art of playing the trombone But I remarked that the Old Soldier took him into
custody directly for her partner and instructed him as the first preliminary
of initiation to give her all the silver he had in his pocket
We had a merry game not made the less merry by the Doctors mistakes of
which he committed an innumerable quantity in spite of the watchfulness of the
butterflies and to their great aggravation Mrs Strong had declined to play
on the ground of not feeling very well and her cousin Maldon had excused
himself because he had some packing to do When he had done it however he
returned and they sat together talking on the sofa From time to time she
came and looked over the Doctors hand and told him what to play She was very
pale as she bent over him and I thought her finger trembled as she pointed out
the cards but the Doctor was quite happy in her attention and took no notice
of this if it were so
At supper we were hardly so gay Every one appeared to feel that a parting
of that sort was an awkward thing and that the nearer it approached the more
awkward it was Mr Jack Maldon tried to be very talkative but was not at his
ease and made matters worse And they were not improved as it appeared to me
by the Old Soldier who continually recalled passages of Mr Jack Maldons
youth
The Doctor however who felt I am sure that he was making everybody
happy was well pleased and had no suspicion but that we were all at the utmost
height of enjoyment
»Annie my dear« said he looking at his watch and filling his glass »it
is past your cousin Jacks time and we must not detain him since time and tide
both concerned in this case wait for no man Mr Jack Maldon you have a
long voyage and a strange country before you but many men have had both and
many men will have both to the end of time The winds you are going to tempt
have wafted thousands upon thousands to fortune and brought thousands upon
thousands happily back«
»Its an affecting thing« said Mrs Markleham »however its viewed its
affecting to see a fine young man one has known from an infant going away to
the other end of the world leaving all he knows behind and not knowing whats
before him A young man really well deserves constant support and patronage«
looking at the Doctor »who makes such sacrifices«
»Time will go fast with you Mr Jack Maldon« pursued the Doctor »and fast
with all of us Some of us can hardly expect perhaps in the natural course of
things to greet you on your return The next best thing is to hope to do it
and thats my case I shall not weary you with good advice You have long had a
good model before you in your cousin Annie Imitate her virtues as nearly as
you can«
Mrs Markleham fanned herself and shook her head
»Farewell Mr Jack« said the Doctor standing up on which we all stood
up »A prosperous voyage out a thriving career abroad and a happy return
home«
We all drank the toast and all shook hands with Mr Jack Maldon after
which he hastily took leave of the ladies who were there and hurried to the
door where he was received as he got into the chaise with a tremendous
broadside of cheers discharged by our boys who had assembled on the lawn for
the purpose Running in among them to swell the ranks I was very near the
chaise when it rolled away and I had a lively impression made upon me in the
midst of the noise and dust of having seen Mr Jack Maldon rattle past with an
agitated face and something cherrycoloured in his hand
After another broadside for the Doctor and another for the Doctors wife
the boys dispersed and I went back into the house where I found the guests all
standing in a group about the Doctor discussing how Mr Jack Maldon had gone
away and how he had borne it and how he had felt it and all the rest of it
In the midst of these remarks Mrs Markleham cried »Wheres Annie«
No Annie was there and when they called to her no Annie replied But all
pressing out of the room in a crowd to see what was the matter we found her
lying on the hall floor There was great alarm at first until it was found that
she was in a swoon and that the swoon was yielding to the usual means of
recovery when the Doctor who had lifted her head upon his knee put her curls
aside with his hand and said looking around
»Poor Annie Shes so faithful and tenderhearted Its the parting from her
old playfellow and friend her favourite cousin that has done this Ah Its a
pity I am very sorry«
When she opened her eyes and saw where she was and that we were all
standing about her she arose with assistance turning her head as she did so
to lay it on the Doctors shoulder or to hide it I dont know which. We went
into the drawingroom to leave her with the Doctor and her mother but she
said it seemed that she was better than she had been since morning and that
she would rather be brought among us so they brought her in looking very white
and weak I thought and sat her on a sofa
»Annie my dear« said her mother doing something to her dress »See here
You have lost a bow Will anybody be so good as find a ribbon a cherrycoloured
ribbon«
It was the one she had worn at her bosom We all looked for it I myself
looked everywhere I am certain but nobody could find it
»Do you recollect where you had it last Annie« said her mother
I wondered how I could have thought she looked white or anything but
burning red when she answered that she had had it safe a little while ago she
thought but it was not worth looking for
Nevertheless it was looked for again and still not found She entreated
that there might be no more searching but it was still sought for in a
desultory way until she was quite well and the company took their departure
We walked very slowly home Mr Wickfield Agnes and I Agnes and I
admiring the moonlight and Mr Wickfield scarcely raising his eyes from the
ground When we at last reached our own door Agnes discovered that she had
left her little reticule behind Delighted to be of any service to her I ran
back to fetch it
I went into the supperroom where it had been left which was deserted and
dark But a door of communication between that and the Doctors study where
there was a light being open I passed on there to say what I wanted and to
get a candle
The Doctor was sitting in his easychair by the fireside and his young wife
was on a stool at his feet The Doctor with a complacent smile was reading
aloud some manuscript explanation or statement of a theory out of that
interminable Dictionary and she was looking up at him But with such a face as
I never saw It was so beautiful in its form it was so ashy pale it was so
fixed in its abstraction it was so full of a wild sleepwalking dreamy horror
of I dont know what The eyes were wide open and her brown hair fell in two
rich clusters on her shoulders and on her white dress disordered by the want
of the lost ribbon Distinctly as I recollect her look I cannot say of what it
was expressive I cannot even say of what it is expressive to me now rising
again before my older judgment Penitence humiliation shame pride love and
trustfulness I see them all and in them all I see that horror of I dont know
what
My entrance and my saying what I wanted roused her It disturbed the
Doctor too for when I went back to replace the candle I had taken from the
table he was patting her head in his fatherly way and saying he was a
merciless drone to let her tempt him into reading on and he would have her go
to bed
But she asked him in a rapid urgent manner to let her stay To let her
feel assured I heard her murmur some broken words to this effect that she was
in his confidence that night And as she turned again towards him after
glancing at me as I left the room and went out at the door I saw her cross her
hands upon his knee and look up at him with the same face something quieted
as he resumed his reading
It made a great impression on me and I remembered it a long time
afterwards as I shall have occasion to narrate when the time comes
Chapter XVII
Somebody Turns Up
It has not occurred to me to mention Peggotty since I ran away but of course
I wrote her a letter almost as soon as I was housed at Dover and another and a
longer letter containing all particulars fully related when my aunt took me
formally under her protection On my being settled at Doctor Strongs I wrote to
her again detailing my happy condition and prospects I never could have
derived anything like the pleasure from spending the money Mr Dick had given
me that I felt in sending a gold halfguinea to Peggotty per post inclosed in
this last letter to discharge the sum I had borrowed of her in which epistle
not before I mentioned about the young man with the donkeycart
To these communications Peggotty replied as promptly if not as concisely
as a merchants clerk Her utmost powers of expression which were certainly not
great in ink were exhausted in the attempt to write what she felt on the
subject of my journey Four sides of incoherent and interjectional beginnings of
sentences that had no end except blots were inadequate to afford her any
relief But the blots were more expressive to me than the best composition for
they showed me that Peggotty had been crying all over the paper and what could
I have desired more
I made out without much difficulty that she could not take quite kindly to
my aunt yet The notice was too short after so long a prepossession the other
way We never knew a person she wrote but to think that Miss Betsey should
seem to be so different from what she had been thought to be was a Moral That
was her word She was evidently still afraid of Miss Betsey for she sent her
grateful duty to her but timidly and she was evidently afraid of me too and
entertained the probability of my running away again soon if I might judge from
the repeated hints she threw out that the coachfare to Yarmouth was always to
be had of her for the asking
She gave me one piece of intelligence which affected me very much namely
that there had been a sale of the furniture at our old home and that Mr and
Miss Murdstone were gone away and the house was shut up to be let or sold God
knows I had no part in it while they remained there but it pained me to think
of the dear old place was altogether abandoned of the weeds growing tall in the
garden and the fallen leaves lying thick and wet upon the paths I imagined how
the winds of winter would howl round it how the cold rain would beat upon the
windowglass how the moon would make ghosts on the walls of the empty rooms
watching their solitude all night I thought afresh of the grave in the
churchyard underneath the tree and it seemed as if the house were dead too
now and all connected with my father and mother were faded away
There was no other news in Peggottys letters Mr Barkis was an excellent
husband she said though still a little near but we all had our faults and
she had plenty though I am sure I dont know what they were and he sent his
duty and my little bedroom was always ready for me Mr Peggotty was well and
Ham was well and Mrs Gummidge was but poorly and little Emly wouldnt send
her love but said that Peggotty might send it if she liked
All this intelligence I dutifully imparted to my aunt only reserving to
myself the mention of little Emly to whom I instinctively felt that she would
not very tenderly incline While I was yet new at Doctor Strongs she made
several excursions over to Canterbury to see me and always at unseasonable
hours with the view I suppose of taking me by surprise But finding me well
employed and bearing a good character and hearing on all hands that I rose
fast in the school she soon discontinued these visits I saw her on a Saturday
every third or fourth week when I went over to Dover for a treat and I saw Mr
Dick every alternate Wednesday when he arrived by stagecoach at noon to stay
until next morning
On these occasions Mr Dick never travelled without a leathern writingdesk
containing a supply of stationery and the Memorial in relation to which
document he had a notion that time was beginning to press now and that it
really must be got out of hand
Mr Dick was very partial to gingerbread To render his visits the more
agreeable my aunt had instructed me to open a credit for him at a cakeshop
which was hampered with the stipulation that he should not be served with more
than one shillingsworth in the course of any one day This and the reference
of all his little bills at the county inn where he slept to my aunt before
they were paid induced me to suspect that he was only allowed to rattle his
money and not to spend it I found on further investigation that this was so
or at least there was an agreement between him and my aunt that he should
account to her for all his disbursements As he had no idea of deceiving her
and always desired to please her he was thus made chary of launching into
expense On this point as well as on all other possible points Mr Dick was
convinced that my aunt was the wisest and most wonderful of women as he
repeatedly told me with infinite secrecy and always in a whisper
»Trotwood« said Mr Dick with an air of mystery after imparting this
confidence to me one Wednesday »whos the man that hides near our house and
frightens her«
»Frightens my aunt sir«
Mr Dick nodded »I thought nothing would have frightened her« he said
»for shes « here he whispered softly »dont mention it the wisest and most
wonderful of women« Having said which he drew back to observe the effect
which this description of her made upon me
»The first time he came« said Mr Dick »was let me see sixteen hundred
and fortynine was the date of King Charless execution I think you said
sixteen hundred and fortynine«
»Yes sir«
»I dont know how it can be« said Mr Dick sorely puzzled and shaking his
head »I dont think I am as old as that«
»Was it in that year that the man appeared sir« I asked
»Why really« said Mr Dick »I dont see how it can have been in that
year Trotwood Did you get that date out of history«
»Yes sir«
»I suppose history never lies does it« said Mr Dick with a gleam of
hope
»Oh dear no sir« I replied most decisively I was ingenuous and young
and I thought so
»I cant make it out« said Mr Dick shaking his head »Theres something
wrong somewhere However it was very soon after the mistake was made of
putting some of the trouble out of King Charless head into my head that the
man first came I was walking out with Miss Trotwood after tea just at dark
and there he was close to our house«
»Walking about« I inquired
»Walking about« repeated Mr Dick »Let me see I must recollect a bit N
no no he was not walking about«
I asked as the shortest way to get at it what he was doing
»Well he wasnt there at all« said Mr Dick »until he came up behind her
and whispered Then she turned round and fainted and I stood still and looked
at him and he walked away but that he should have been hiding ever since in
the ground or somewhere is the most extraordinary thing«
»Has he been hiding ever since« I asked
»To be sure he has« retorted Mr Dick nodding his head gravely »Never
came out till last night We were walking last night and he came up behind her
again and I knew him again«
»And did he frighten my aunt again«
»All of a shiver« said Mr Dick counterfeiting that affection and making
his teeth chatter »Held by the palings Cried But Trotwood come here«
getting me close to him that he might whisper very softly »why did she give
him money boy in the moonlight«
»He was a beggar perhaps«
Mr Dick shook his head as utterly renouncing the suggestion and having
replied a great many times and with great confidence »No beggar no beggar no
beggar sir« went on to say that from his window he had afterwards and late
at night seen my aunt give this person money outside the garden rails in the
moonlight who then slunk away into the ground again as he thought probable
and was seen no more while my aunt came hurriedly and secretly back into the
house and had even that morning been quite different from her usual self
which preyed on Mr Dicks mind
I had not the least belief in the outset of this story that the unknown
was anything but a delusion of Mr Dicks and one of the line of that illfated
Prince who occasioned him so much difficulty but after some reflection I began
to entertain the question whether an attempt or threat of an attempt might
have been twice made to take poor Mr Dick himself from under my aunts
protection and whether my aunt the strength of whose kind feeling towards him
I knew from herself might have been induced to pay a price for his peace and
quiet As I was already much attached to Mr Dick and very solicitous for his
welfare my fears favoured this supposition and for a long time his Wednesday
hardly ever came round without my entertaining a misgiving that he would not be
on the coachbox as usual There he always appeared however greyheaded
laughing and happy and he never had anything more to tell of the man who could
frighten my aunt
These Wednesdays were the happiest days of Mr Dicks life they were far
from being the least happy of mine He soon became known to every boy in the
school and though he never took an active part in any game but kiteflying was
as deeply interested in all our sports as any one among us How often have I
seen him intent upon a match at marbles or pegtop looking on with a face of
unutterable interest and hardly breathing at the critical times How often at
hare and hounds have I seen him mounted on a little knoll cheering the whole
field on to action and waving his hat above his grey head oblivious of King
Charles the Martyrs head and all belonging to it How many a summerhour have
I known to be but blissful minutes to him in the cricketfield How many winter
days have I seen him standing bluenosed in the snow and east wind looking at
the boys going down the long slide and clapping his worsted gloves in rapture
He was an universal favourite and his ingenuity in little things was
transcendent He could cut oranges into such devices as none of us had an idea
of He could make a boat out of anything from a skewer upwards He could turn
crampbones into chessmen fashion Roman chariots from old court cards make
spoked wheels out of cotton reels and birdcages of old wire But he was
greatest of all perhaps in the articles of string and straw with which we
were all persuaded he could do anything that could be done by hands
Mr Dicks renown was not long confined to us After a few Wednesdays
Doctor Strong himself made some inquiries of me about him and I told him all my
aunt had told me which interested the Doctor so much that he requested on the
occasion of his next visit to be presented to him This ceremony I performed
and the Doctor begging Mr Dick whensoever he should not find me at the
coachoffice to come on there and rest himself until our mornings work was
over it soon passed into a custom for Mr Dick to come on as a matter of
course and if we were a little late as often happened on a Wednesday to walk
about the courtyard waiting for me Here he made the acquaintance of the
Doctors beautiful young wife paler than formerly all this time more rarely
seen by me or any one I think and not so gay but not less beautiful and so
became more and more familiar by degrees until at last he would come into the
school and wait He always sat in a particular corner on a particular stool
which was called Dick after him here he would sit with his grey head bent
forward attentively listening to whatever might be going on with a profound
veneration for the learning he had never been able to acquire
This veneration Mr Dick extended to the Doctor whom he thought the most
subtle and accomplished philosopher of any age It was long before Mr Dick ever
spoke to him otherwise than bareheaded and even when he and the Doctor had
struck up quite a friendship and would walk together by the hour on that side
of the courtyard which was known among us as The Doctors Walk Mr Dick would
pull off his hat at intervals to show his respect for wisdom and knowledge How
it ever came about that the Doctor began to read out scraps of the famous
Dictionary in these walks I never knew perhaps he felt it all the same at
first as reading to himself However it passed into a custom too and Mr
Dick listening with a face shining with pride and pleasure in his heart of
hearts believed the Dictionary to be the most delightful book in the world
As I think of them going up and down before those schoolroom windows the
Doctor reading with his complacent smile an occasional flourish of the
manuscript or grave motion of his head and Mr Dick listening enchained by
interest with his poor wits calmly wandering God knows where upon the wings of
hard words I think of it as one of the pleasantest things in a quiet way
that I have ever seen I feel as if they might go walking to and fro for ever
and the world might somehow be the better for it As if a thousand things it
makes a noise about were not onehalf so good for it or me
Agnes was one of Mr Dicks friends very soon and in often coming to the
house he made acquaintance with Uriah The friendship between himself and me
increased continually and it was maintained on this odd footing that while
Mr Dick came professedly to look after me as my guardian he always consulted
me in any little matter of doubt that arose and invariably guided himself by my
advice not only having a high respect for my native sagacity but considering
that I inherited a good deal from my aunt
One Thursday morning when I was about to walk with Mr Dick from the hotel
to the coachoffice before going back to school for we had an hours school
before breakfast I met Uriah in the street who reminded me of the promise I
had made to take tea with himself and his mother adding with a writhe »But I
didnt expect you to keep it Master Copperfield were so very umble«
I really had not yet been able to make up my mind whether I liked Uriah or
detested him and I was very doubtful about it still as I stood looking him in
the face in the street But I felt it quite an affront to be supposed proud and
said I only wanted to be asked
»Oh if thats all Master Copperfield« said Uriah »and it really isnt
our umbleness that prevents you will you come this evening But if it is our
umbleness I hope you wont mind owning to it Master Copperfield for we are
all well aware of our condition«
I said I would mention it to Mr Wickfield and if he approved as I had no
doubt he would I would come with pleasure So at six oclock that evening
which was one of the early office evenings I announced myself as ready to
Uriah
»Mother will be proud indeed« he said as we walked away together »Or she
would be proud if it wasnt sinful Master Copperfield«
»Yet you didnt mind supposing I was proud this morning« I returned
»Oh dear no Master Copperfield« returned Uriah »Oh believe me no Such
a thought never came into my head I shouldnt have deemed it at all proud if
you had thought us too umble for you Because we are so very umble«
»Have you been studying much law lately« I asked to change the subject
»Oh Master Copperfield« he said with an air of self-denial »my reading
is hardly to be called study I have passed an hour or two in the evening
sometimes with Mr Tidd«
»Rather hard I suppose« said I
»He is hard to me sometimes« returned Uriah »But I dont know what he
might be to a gifted person«
After beating a little tune on his chin as he walked on with the two
forefingers of his skeleton right hand he added
»There are expressions you see Master Copperfield Latin words and terms
in Mr Tidd that are trying to a reader of my umble attainments«
»Would you like to be taught Latin« I said briskly »I will teach it you
with pleasure as I learn it«
»Oh thank you Master Copperfield« he answered shaking his head »I am
sure its very kind of you to make the offer but I am much too umble to accept
it«
»What nonsense Uriah«
»Oh indeed you must excuse me Master Copperfield I am greatly obliged
and I should like it of all things I assure you but I am far too umble There
are people enough to tread upon me in my lowly state without my doing outrage
to their feelings by possessing learning Learning aint for me A person like
myself had better not aspire If he is to get on in life he must get on umbly
Master Copperfield«
I never saw his mouth so wide or the creases in his cheeks so deep as when
he delivered himself of these sentiments shaking his head all the time and
writhing modestly
»I think you are wrong Uriah« I said »I dare say there are several things
that I could teach you if you would like to learn them«
»Oh I dont doubt that Master Copperfield« he answered »not in the
least But not being umble yourself you dont judge well perhaps for them
that are I wont provoke my betters with knowledge thank you Im much too
umble Here is my umble dwelling Master Copperfield«
We entered a low oldfashioned room walked straight into from the street
and found there Mrs Heep who was the dead image of Uriah only short She
received me with the utmost humility and apologised to me for giving her son a
kiss observing that lowly as they were they had their natural affections
which they hoped would give no offence to any one It was a perfectly decent
room half parlour and half kitchen but not at all a snug room The teathings
were set upon the table and the kettle was boiling on the hob There was a
chest of drawers with an escritoire top for Uriah to read or write at of an
evening there was Uriahs blue bag lying down and vomiting papers there was a
company of Uriahs books commanded by Mr Tidd there was a corner cupboard and
there were the usual articles of furniture I dont remember that any individual
object had a bare pinched spare look but I do remember that the whole place
had
It was perhaps a part of Mrs Heeps humility that she still wore weeds
Notwithstanding the lapse of time that had occurred since Mr Heeps decease
she still wore weeds I think there was some compromise in the cap but
otherwise she was as weedy as in the early days of her mourning
»This is a day to be remembered my Uriah I am sure« said Mrs Heep
making the tea »when Master Copperfield pays us a visit«
»I said youd think so mother« said Uriah
»If I could have wished father to remain among us for any reason« said Mrs
Heep »it would have been that he might have known his company this afternoon«
I felt embarrassed by these compliments but I was sensible too of being
entertained as an honoured guest and I thought Mrs Heep an agreeable woman
»My Uriah« said Mrs Heep »has looked forward to this sir a long while
He had his fears that our umbleness stood in the way and I joined in them
myself Umble we are umble we have been umble we shall ever be« said Mrs
Heep
»I am sure you have no occasion to be so maam« I said »unless you like«
»Thank you sir« retorted Mrs Heep »We know our station and are thankful
in it«
I found that Mrs Heep gradually got nearer to me and that Uriah gradually
got opposite to me and that they respectfully plied me with the choicest of the
eatables on the table There was nothing particularly choice there to be sure
but I took the will for the deed and felt that they were very attentive
Presently they began to talk about aunts and then I told them about mine and
about fathers and mothers and then I told them about mine and then Mrs Heep
began to talk about fathersinlaw and then I began to tell her about mine but
stopped because my aunt had advised me to observe a silence on that subject A
tender young cork however would have had no more chance against a pair of
corkscrews or a tender young tooth against a pair of dentists or a little
shuttlecock against two battledores than I had against Uriah and Mrs Heep
They did just what they liked with me and wormed things out of me that I had no
desire to tell with a certainty I blush to think of the more especially as in
my juvenile frankness I took some credit to myself for being so confidential
and felt that I was quite the patron of my two respectful entertainers
They were very fond of one another: that was certain I take it that had
its effect upon me as a touch of nature; but the skill with which the one
followed up whatever the other said was a touch of art which I was still less
proof against When there was nothing more to be got out of me about myself for
on the Murdstone and Grinby life and on my journey I was dumb they began
about Mr Wickfield and Agnes Uriah threw the ball to Mrs Heep Mrs Heep
caught it and threw it back to Uriah Uriah kept it up a little while then sent
it back to Mrs Heep and so they went on tossing it about until I had no idea
who had got it and was quite bewildered The ball itself was always changing
too Now it was Mr Wickfield now Agnes now the excellence of Mr Wickfield
now my admiration of Agnes now the extent of Mr Wickfields business and
resources now our domestic life after dinner now the wine that Mr Wickfield
took the reason why he took it and the pity that it was he took so much now
one thing now another then everything at once and all the time without
appearing to speak very often or to do anything but sometimes encourage them a
little for fear they should be overcome by their humility and the honour of my
company I found myself perpetually letting out something or other that I had no
business to let out and seeing the effect of it in the twinkling of Uriahs
dinted nostrils
I had begun to be a little uncomfortable and to wish myself well out of the
visit when a figure coming down the street passed the door it stood open to
air the room which was warm the weather being close for the time of year
came back again looked in and walked in exclaiming loudly »Copperfield Is
it possible«
It was Mr Micawber It was Mr Micawber with his eyeglass and his
walkingstick and his shirtcollar and his genteel air and the condescending
roll in his voice all complete
»My dear Copperfield« said Mr Micawber putting out his hand »this is
indeed a meeting which is calculated to impress the mind with a sense of the
instability and uncertainty of all human in short it is a most extraordinary
meeting Walking along the street reflecting upon the probability of something
turning up of which I am at present rather sanguine I find a young but valued
friend turn up who is connected with the most eventful period of my life I may
say with the turningpoint of my existence Copperfield my dear fellow how do
you do«
I cannot say I really cannot say that I was glad to see Mr Micawber
there but I was glad to see him too and shook hands with him heartily
inquiring how Mrs Micawber was
»Thank you« said Mr Micawber waving his hand as of old and settling his
chin in his shirtcollar »She is tolerably convalescent The twins no longer
derive their sustenance from Natures founts in short« said Mr Micawber in
one of his bursts of confidence »they are weaned and Mrs Micawber is at
present my travelling companion She will be rejoiced Copperfield to renew
her acquaintance with one who has proved himself in all respects a worthy
minister at the sacred altar of friendship«
I said I should be delighted to see her
»You are very good« said Mr Micawber
Mr Micawber then smiled settled his chin again and looked about him
»I have discovered my friend Copperfield« said Mr Micawber genteelly and
without addressing himself particularly to any one »not in solitude but
partaking of a social meal in company with a widow lady and one who is
apparently her offspring in short« said Mr Micawber in another of his
bursts of confidence »her son I shall esteem it an honour to be presented«
I could do no less under these circumstances than make Mr Micawber known
to Uriah Heep and his mother which I accordingly did As they abased themselves
before him Mr Micawber took a seat and waved his hand in his most courtly
manner
»Any friend of my friend Copperfields« said Mr Micawber »has a personal
claim upon myself«
»We are too umble sir« said Mrs Heep »my son and me to be the friends
of Master Copperfield He has been so good as take his tea with us and we are
thankful to him for his company also to you sir for your notice«
»Maam« returned Mr Micawber with a bow »you are very obliging and what
are you doing Copperfield Still in the wine trade«
I was excessively anxious to get Mr Micawber away and replied with my hat
in my hand and a very red face I have no doubt that I was a pupil at Doctor
Strongs
»A pupil« said Mr Micawber raising his eyebrows »I am extremely happy to
hear it Although a mind like my friend Copperfields« to Uriah and Mrs Heep
»does not require that cultivation which without his knowledge of men and
things it would require still it is a rich soil teeming with latent vegetation
in short« said Mr Micawber smiling in another burst of confidence »it is
an intellect capable of getting up the classics to any extent«
Uriah with his long hands slowly twining over one another, made a ghastly
writhe from the waist upwards to express his concurrence in this estimation of
me
»Shall we go and see Mrs Micawber sir« I said to get Mr Micawber away
»If you will do her that favour Copperfield« replied Mr Micawber rising
»I have no scruple in saying in the presence of our friends here that I am a
man who has for some years contended against the pressure of pecuniary
difficulties« I knew he was certain to say something of this kind he always
would be so boastful about his difficulties »Sometimes I have risen superior to
my difficulties Sometimes my difficulties have in short have floored me
There have been times when I have administered a succession of facers to them
there have been times when they have been too many for me and I have given in
and said to Mrs Micawber in the words of Cato Plato thou reasonest well
Its all up now I can show fight no more But at no time of my life« said Mr
Micawber »have I enjoyed a higher degree of satisfaction than in pouring my
griefs if I may describe difficulties chiefly arising out of warrants of
attorney and promissory notes at two and four months by that word into the
bosom of my friend Copperfield«
Mr Micawber closed this handsome tribute by saying »Mr Heep Good
evening Mrs Heep Your servant« and then walking out with me in his most
fashionable manner making a good deal of noise on the pavement with his shoes
and humming a tune as we went
It was a little inn where Mr Micawber put up and he occupied a little room
in it partitioned off from the commercial room and strongly flavoured with
tobaccosmoke I think it was over the kitchen because a warm greasy smell
appeared to come up through the chinks in the floor and there was a flabby
perspiration on the walls I know it was near the bar on account of the smell
of spirits and jingling of glasses Here recumbent on a small sofa underneath
a picture of a racehorse with her head close to the fire and her feet pushing
the mustard off the dumbwaiter at the other end of the room was Mrs Micawber
to whom Mr Micawber entered first saying »My dear allow me to introduce to
you a pupil of Doctor Strongs«
I noticed bythebye that although Mr Micawber was just as much confused
as ever about my age and standing he always remembered as a genteel thing
that I was a pupil of Doctor Strongs
Mrs Micawber was amazed but very glad to see me I was very glad to see
her too and after an affectionate greeting on both sides sat down on the
small sofa near her
»My dear« said Mr Micawber »if you will mention to Copperfield what our
present position is which I have no doubt he will like to know I will go and
look at the paper the while and see whether anything turns up among the
advertisements«
»I thought you were at Plymouth maam« I said to Mrs Micawber as he went
out
»My dear Master Copperfield« she replied »we went to Plymouth«
»To be on the spot« I hinted
»Just so« said Mrs Micawber »To be on the spot But the truth is talent
is not wanted in the Custom House The local influence of my family was quite
unavailing to obtain any employment in that department for a man of Mr
Micawbers abilities They would rather not have a man of Mr Micawbers
abilities He would only show the deficiency of the others Apart from which«
said Mrs Micawber »I will not disguise from you my dear Master Copperfield
that when that branch of my family which is settled in Plymouth became aware
that Mr Micawber was accompanied by myself and by little Wilkins and his
sister and by the twins they did not receive him with that ardour which he
might have expected being so newly released from captivity In fact« said Mrs
Micawber lowering her voice »this is between ourselves our reception was
cool«
»Dear me« I said
»Yes« said Mrs Micawber »It is truly painful to contemplate mankind in
such an aspect Master Copperfield but our reception was decidedly cool
There is no doubt about it In fact that branch of my family which is settled
in Plymouth became quite personal to Mr Micawber before we had been there a
week«
I said and thought that they ought to be ashamed of themselves
»Still so it was« continued Mrs Micawber »Under such circumstances what
could a man of Mr Micawbers spirit do But one obvious course was left To
borrow of that branch of my family the money to return to London and to return
at any sacrifice«
»Then you all came back again maam« I said
»We all came back again« replied Mrs Micawber »Since then I have
consulted other branches of my family on the course which it is most expedient
for Mr Micawber to take for I maintain that he must take some course Master
Copperfield« said Mrs Micawber argumentatively »It is clear that a family of
six not including a domestic cannot live upon air«
»Certainly maam« said I
»The opinion of those other branches of my family« pursued Mrs Micawber
»is that Mr Micawber should immediately turn his attention to coals«
»To what maam«
»To coals« said Mrs Micawber »To the coal trade Mr Micawber was induced
to think on inquiry that there might be an opening for a man of his talent in
the Medway Coal Trade Then as Mr Micawber very properly said the first step
to be taken clearly was to come and see the Medway Which we came and saw I
say we Master Copperfield for I never will« said Mrs Micawber with emotion
»I never will desert Mr Micawber«
I murmured my admiration and approbation
»We came« repeated Mrs Micawber »and saw the Medway My opinion of the
coal trade on that river is that it may require talent but that it certainly
requires capital Talent Mr Micawber has capital Mr Micawber has not We
saw I think the greater part of the Medway and that is my individual
conclusion Being so near here Mr Micawber was of opinion that it would be
rash not to come on and see the Cathedral Firstly on account of its being so
well worth seeing and our never having seen it and secondly on account of the
great probability of something turning up in a cathedral town We have been
here« said Mrs Micawber »three days Nothing has as yet turned up and it
may not surprise you my dear Master Copperfield so much as it would a
stranger to know that we are at present waiting for a remittance from London
to discharge our pecuniary obligations at this hotel Until the arrival of that
remittance« said Mrs Micawber with much feeling »I am cut off from my home I
allude to lodgings in Pentonville from my boy and girl and from my twins«
I felt the utmost sympathy for Mr and Mrs Micawber in this anxious
extremity and said as much to Mr Micawber who now returned adding that I
only wished I had money enough to lend them the amount they needed Mr
Micawbers answer expressed the disturbance of his mind He said shaking hands
with me »Copperfield you are a true friend but when the worst comes to the
worst no man is without a friend who is possessed of shaving materials« At
this dreadful hint Mrs Micawber threw her arms round Mr Micawbers neck and
entreated him to be calm He wept but so far recovered almost immediately as
to ring the bell for the waiter and bespeak a hot kidney pudding and a plate of
shrimps for breakfast in the morning
When I took my leave of them they both pressed me so much to come and dine
before they went away that I could not refuse But as I knew I could not come
next day when I should have a good deal to prepare in the evening Mr Micawber
arranged that he would call at Doctor Strongs in the course of the morning
having a presentiment that the remittance would arrive by that post and
propose the day after if it would suit me better Accordingly I was called out
of school next forenoon and found Mr Micawber in the parlour who had called
to say that the dinner would take place as proposed When I asked him if the
remittance had come he pressed my hand and departed
As I was looking out of window that same evening it surprised me and made
me rather uneasy to see Mr Micawber and Uriah Heep walk past arm in arm
Uriah humbly sensible of the honour that was done him and Mr Micawber taking a
bland delight in extending his patronage to Uriah But I was still more
surprised when I went to the little hotel next day at the appointed
dinnerhour which was four oclock to find from what Mr Micawber said that
he had gone home with Uriah and had drunk brandyandwater at Mrs Heeps
»And Ill tell you what my dear Copperfield« said Mr Micawber »your
friend Heep is a young fellow who might be attorneygeneral If I had known that
young man at the period when my difficulties came to a crisis all I can say
is that I believe my creditors would have been a great deal better managed than
they were«
I hardly understood how this could have been seeing that Mr Micawber had
paid them nothing at all as it was but I did not like to ask Neither did I
like to say that I hoped he had not been too communicative to Uriah or to
inquire if they had talked much about me I was afraid of hurting Mr Micawbers
feelings or at all events Mrs Micawbers she being very sensitive but I
was uncomfortable about it too and often thought about it afterwards
We had a beautiful little dinner Quite an elegant dish of fish the
kidneyend of a loin of veal roasted fried sausagemeat a partridge and a
pudding There was wine and there was strong ale and after dinner Mrs
Micawber made us a bowl of hot punch with her own hands
Mr Micawber was uncommonly convivial I never saw him such good company He
made his face shine with the punch so that it looked as if it had been
varnished all over He got cheerfully sentimental about the town and proposed
success to it observing that Mrs Micawber and himself had been made extremely
snug and comfortable there and that he never should forget the agreeable hours
they had passed in Canterbury He proposed me afterwards and he and Mrs
Micawber and I took a review of our past acquaintance in the course of which,
we sold the property all over again Then I proposed Mrs Micawber or at
least said modestly »If youll allow me Mrs Micawber I shall now have the
pleasure of drinking your health maam« On which Mr Micawber delivered an
eulogium on Mrs Micawbers character and said she had ever been his guide
philosopher and friend and that he would recommend me when I came to a
marryingtime of life to marry such another woman if such another woman could
be found
As the punch disappeared Mr Micawber became still more friendly and
convivial Mrs Micawbers spirits becoming elevated too we sang »Auld Lang
Syne« When we came to »Heres a hand my trusty frere« we all joined hands
round the table and when we declared we would »take a right gude Willie
Waught« and hadnt the least idea what it meant we were really affected
In a word I never saw anybody so thoroughly jovial as Mr Micawber was
down to the very last moment of the evening when I took a hearty farewell of
himself and his amiable wife Consequently I was not prepared at seven oclock
next morning to receive the following communication dated halfpast nine in
the evening a quarter of an hour after I had left him
»My Dear Young Friend
The die is cast all is over Hiding the ravages of care with a
sickly mask of mirth I have not informed you this evening that there
is no hope of the remittance Under these circumstances alike
humiliating to endure humiliating to contemplate and humiliating to
relate I have discharged the pecuniary liability contracted at this
establishment by giving a note of hand made payable fourteen days
after date at my residence Pentonville London When it becomes due
it will not be taken up The result is destruction The bolt is
impending and the tree must fall
Let the wretched man who now addresses you my dear Copperfield be
a beacon to you through life He writes with that intention and in that
hope If he could think himself of so much use one gleam of day might
by possibility penetrate into the cheerless dungeon of his remaining
existence though his longevity is at present to say the least of
it extremely problematical
This is the last communication my dear Copperfield you will ever
receive
F rom
T he
Beggared Outcast
WILKINS MICAWBER«
I was so shocked by the contents of this heartrending letter that I ran off
directly towards the little hotel with the intention of taking it on my way to
Doctor Strongs and trying to soothe Mr Micawber with a word of comfort But
halfway there I met the London coach with Mr and Mrs Micawber up behind Mr
Micawber the very picture of tranquil enjoyment smiling at Mrs Micawbers
conversation eating walnuts out of a paper bag with a bottle sticking out of
his breast pocket As they did not see me I thought it best all things
considered not to see them So with a great weight taken off my mind I turned
into a bystreet that was the nearest way to school and felt upon the whole
relieved that they were gone though I still liked them very much nevertheless
Chapter XVIII
A Retrospect
My schooldays The silent gliding on of my existence the unseen unfelt
progress of my life from childhood up to youth Let me think as I look back
upon that flowing water now a dry channel overgrown with leaves whether there
are any marks along its course by which I can remember how it ran
A moment and I occupy my place in the Cathedral where we all went
together every Sunday morning assembling first at school for that purpose The
earthy smell the sunless air the sensation of the world being shut out the
resounding of the organ through the black and white arched galleries and aisles
are wings that take me back and hold me hovering above those days in a
halfsleeping and halfwaking dream
I am not the last boy in the school I have risen in a few months over
several heads But the first boy seems to me a mighty creature dwelling afar
off whose giddy height is unattainable Agnes says »No« but I say »Yes« and
tell her that she little thinks what stores of knowledge have been mastered by
the wonderful Being at whose place she thinks I even I weak aspirant may
arrive in time He is not my private friend and public patron as Steerforth
was but I hold him in a reverential respect I chiefly wonder what hell be
when he leaves Doctor Strongs and what mankind will do to maintain any place
against him
But who is this that breaks upon me This is Miss Shepherd whom I love
Miss Shepherd is a boarder at the Misses Nettingalls establishment I adore
Miss Shepherd She is a little girl in a spencer with a round face and curly
flaxen hair The Misses Nettingalls young ladies come to the Cathedral too I
cannot look upon my book for I must look upon Miss Shepherd When the
choristers chaunt I hear Miss Shepherd In the service I mentally insert Miss
Shepherds name I put her in among the Royal Family At home in my own room I
am sometimes moved to cry out »Oh Miss Shepherd« in a transport of love
For some time I am doubtful of Miss Shepherds feelings but at length
Fate being propitious we meet at the dancingschool I have Miss Shepherd for
my partner I touch Miss Shepherds glove and feel a thrill go up the right arm
of my jacket and come out at my hair I say nothing tender to Miss Shepherd
but we understand each other Miss Shepherd and myself live but to be united
Why do I secretly give Miss Shepherd twelve Brazil nuts for a present I
wonder They are not expressive of affection they are difficult to pack into a
parcel of any regular shape they are hard to crack even in room doors and
they are oily when cracked yet I feel that they are appropriate to Miss
Shepherd Soft seedy biscuits also I bestow upon Miss Shepherd and oranges
innumerable Once I kiss Miss Shepherd in the cloak room Ecstasy What are my
agony and indignation next day when I hear a flying rumour that the Misses
Nettingall have stood Miss Shepherd in the stocks for turning in her toes
Miss Shepherd being the one pervading theme and vision of my life how do I
ever come to break with her I cant conceive And yet a coolness grows between
Miss Shepherd and myself Whispers reach me of Miss Shepherd having said she
wished I wouldnt stare so and having avowed a preference for Master Jones
for Jones a boy of no merit whatever The gulf between me and Miss Shepherd
widens At last one day I meet the Misses Nettingalls establishment out
walking Miss Shepherd makes a face as she goes by and laughs to her companion
All is over The devotion of a life it seems a life it is all the same is
at an end Miss Shepherd comes out of the morning service and the Royal Family
know her no more
I am higher in the school and no one breaks my peace I am not at all
polite now to the Misses Nettingalls young ladies and shouldnt dote on any
of them if they were twice as many and twenty times as beautiful I think the
dancingschool a tiresome affair and wonder why the girls cant dance by
themselves and leave us alone I am growing great in Latin verses and neglect
the laces of my boots Doctor Strong refers to me in public as a promising young
scholar Mr Dick is wild with joy and my aunt remits me a guinea by the next
post
The shade of a young butcher rises like the apparition of an armed head in
Macbeth Who is this young butcher He is the terror of the youth of Canterbury
There is a vague belief abroad that the beef suet with which he anoints his
hair gives him unnatural strength and that he is a match for a man He is a
broadfaced bullnecked young butcher with rough red cheeks an
illconditioned mind and an injurious tongue His main use of this tongue is
to disparage Doctor Strongs young gentlemen He says publicly that if they
want anything hell give it em He names individuals among them myself
included whom he could undertake to settle with one hand and the other tied
behind him He waylays the smaller boys to punch their unprotected heads and
calls challenges after me in the open streets For these sufficient reasons I
resolve to fight the butcher
It is a summer evening down in a green hollow at the corner of a wall I
meet the butcher by appointment I am attended by a select body of our boys the
butcher by two other butchers a young publican and a sweep The preliminaries
are adjusted and the butcher and myself stand face to face In a moment the
butcher lights ten thousand candles out of my left eyebrow In another moment I
dont know where the wall is or where I am or where anybody is I hardly know
which is myself and which the butcher we are always in such a tangle and
tussle knocking about upon the trodden grass Sometimes I see the butcher
bloody but confident sometimes I see nothing and sit gasping on my seconds
knee sometimes I go in at the butcher madly and cut my knuckles open against
his face without appearing to discompose him at all At last I awake very
queer about the head as from a giddy sleep and see the butcher walking off
congratulated by the two other butchers and the sweep and publican and putting
on his coat as he goes from which I augur justly that the victory is his
I am taken home in a sad plight and I have beefsteaks put to my eyes and
am rubbed with vinegar and brandy and find a great white puffy place bursting
out on my upper lip which swells immoderately For three or four days I remain
at home a very illlooking subject with a green shade over my eyes and I
should be very dull but that Agnes is a sister to me and condoles with me and
reads to me and makes the time light and happy Agnes has my confidence
completely always I tell her all about the butcher and the wrongs he has
heaped upon me she thinks I couldnt have done otherwise than fight the
butcher while she shrinks and trembles at my having fought him
Time has stolen on unobserved for Adams is not the headboy in the days
that are come now nor has he been this many and many a day Adams has left the
school so long that when he comes back on a visit to Doctor Strong there are
not many there besides myself who know him Adams is going to be called to the
bar almost directly and is to be an advocate and to wear a wig I am surprised
to find him a meeker man than I had thought and less imposing in appearance He
has not staggered the world yet either for it goes on as well as I can make
out pretty much the same as if he had never joined it
A blank through which the warriors of poetry and history march on in
stately hosts that seem to have no end and what comes next I am the headboy
now I look down on the line of boys below me with a condescending interest in
such of them as bring to my mind the boy I was myself when I first came there
That little fellow seems to be no part of me I remember him as something left
behind upon the road of life as something I have passed rather than have
actually been and almost think of him as of some one else
And the little girl I saw on that first day at Mr Wickfields where is
she Gone also In her stead the perfect likeness of the picture a child
likeness no more moves about the house and Agnes my sweet sister as I call
her in my thoughts my counsellor and friend the better angel of the lives of
all who come within her calm good selfdenying influence is quite a woman
What other changes have come upon me besides the changes in my growth and
looks and in the knowledge I have garnered all this while I wear a gold watch
and chain a ring upon my little finger and a longtailed coat and I use a
great deal of bears grease which taken in conjunction with the ring looks
bad Am I in love again I am I worship the eldest Miss Larkins
The eldest Miss Larkins is not a little girl She is a tall dark
blackeyed fine figure of a woman The eldest Miss Larkins is not a chicken
for the youngest Miss Larkins is not that and the eldest must be three or four
years older Perhaps the eldest Miss Larkins may be about thirty My passion for
her is beyond all bounds
The eldest Miss Larkins knows officers It is an awful thing to bear I see
them speaking to her in the street I see them cross the way to meet her when
her bonnet she has a bright taste in bonnets is seen coming down the pavement
accompanied by her sisters bonnet She laughs and talks and seems to like it
I spend a good deal of my own spare time in walking up and down to meet her If
I can bow to her once in the day I know her to bow to knowing Mr Larkins I
am happier I deserve a bow now and then The raging agonies I suffer on the
night of the Race Ball where I know the eldest Miss Larkins will be dancing
with the military ought to have some compensation if there be evenhanded
justice in the world
My passion takes away my appetite and makes me wear my newest silk
neckkerchief continually I have no relief but in putting on my best clothes
and having my boots cleaned over and over again I seem then to be worthier of
the eldest Miss Larkins Everything that belongs to her or is connected with
her is precious to me Mr Larkins a gruff old gentleman with a double chin
and one of his eyes immovable in his head is fraught with interest to me When
I cant meet his daughter I go where I am likely to meet him To say »How do
you do Mr Larkins Are the young ladies and all the family quite well« seems
so pointed that I blush
I think continually about my age Say I am seventeen and say that seventeen
is young for the eldest Miss Larkins what of that Besides I shall be
oneandtwenty in no time almost I regularly take walks outside Mr Larkinss
house in the evening though it cuts me to the heart to see the officers go in
or to hear them up in the drawingroom where the eldest Miss Larkins plays the
harp I even walk on two or three occasions in a sickly spoony manner round
and round the house after the family are gone to bed wondering which is the
eldest Miss Larkinss chamber and pitching I dare say now on Mr Larkinss
instead wishing that a fire would burst out that the assembled crowd would
stand appalled that I dashing through them with a ladder might rear it
against her window save her in my arms go back for something she had left
behind and perish in the flames For I am generally disinterested in my love
and think I could be content to make a figure before Miss Larkins and expire
Generally but not always Sometimes brighter visions rise before me When I
dress the occupation of two hours for a great ball given at the Larkinss
the anticipation of three weeks I indulge my fancy with pleasing images I
picture myself taking courage to make a declaration to Miss Larkins I picture
Miss Larkins sinking her head upon my shoulder and saying »Oh Mr
Copperfield can I believe my ears« I picture Mr Larkins waiting on me next
morning and saying »My dear Copperfield my daughter has told me all Youth is
no objection Here are twenty thousand pounds Be happy« I picture my aunt
relenting and blessing us and Mr Dick and Doctor Strong being present at the
marriage ceremony I am a sensible fellow I believe I believe on looking
back I mean and modest I am sure but all this goes on notwithstanding
I repair to the enchanted house where there are lights chattering music
flowers officers I am sorry to see and the eldest Miss Larkins a blaze of
beauty She is dressed in blue with blue flowers in her hair forgetmenots
As if she had any need to wear forgetmenots It is the first really grownup
party that I have ever been invited to and I am a little uncomfortable for I
appear not to belong to anybody and nobody appears to have anything to say to
me except Mr Larkins who asks me how my schoolfellows are which he neednt
do as I have not come there to be insulted
But after I have stood in the doorway for some time and feasted my eyes
upon the goddess of my heart she approaches me she the eldest Miss Larkins
and asks me pleasantly if I dance
I stammer with a bow »With you Miss Larkins«
»With no one else« inquires Miss Larkins
»I should have no pleasure in dancing with any one else«
Miss Larkins laughs and blushes or I think she blushes and says »Next
time but one I shall be very glad«
The time arrives »It is a waltz I think« Miss Larkins doubtfully
observes when I present myself »Do you waltz If not Captain Bailey «
But I do waltz pretty well too as it happens and I take Miss Larkins
out I take her sternly from the side of Captain Bailey He is wretched I have
no doubt but he is nothing to me I have been wretched too I waltz with the
eldest Miss Larkins I dont know where among whom or how long I only know
that I swim about in space, with a blue angel in a state of blissful delirium
until I find myself alone with her in a little room resting on a sofa She
admires a flower pink camellia japonica price halfacrown in my
buttonhole I give it her and say
»I ask an inestimable price for it Miss Larkins«
»Indeed What is that« returns Miss Larkins
»A flower of yours that I may treasure it as a miser does gold«
»Youre a bold boy« says Miss Larkins »There«
She gives it me not displeased and I put it to my lips and then into my
breast Miss Larkins laughing draws her hand through my arm and says »Now
take me back to Captain Bailey«
I am lost in the recollection of this delicious interview and the waltz
when she comes to me again with a plain elderly gentleman who has been playing
whist all night upon her arm and says
»Oh here is my bold friend Mr Chestle wants to know you Mr
Copperfield«
I feel at once that he is a friend of the family and am much gratified
»I admire your taste sir« says Mr Chestle »It does you credit I suppose
you dont take much interest in hops but I am a pretty large grower myself and
if you ever like to come over to our neighbourhood neighbourhood of Ashford
and take a run about our place we shall be glad for you to stop as long as you
like«
I thank Mr Chestle warmly and shake hands I think I am in a happy dream
I waltz with the eldest Miss Larkins once again She says I waltz so well I go
home in a state of unspeakable bliss and waltz in imagination all night long
with my arm round the blue waist of my dear divinity For some days afterwards
I am lost in rapturous reflections but I neither see her in the street nor
when I call I am imperfectly consoled for this disappointment by the sacred
pledge the perished flower
»Trotwood« says Agnes one day after dinner »Who do you think is going to
be married tomorrow Some one you admire«
»Not you I suppose Agnes«
»Not me« raising her cheerful face from the music she is copying »Do you
hear him Papa The eldest Miss Larkins«
»To to Captain Bailey« I have just enough power to ask
»No to no Captain To Mr Chestle a hopgrower«
I am terribly dejected for about a week or two I take off my ring I wear
my worst clothes I use no bears grease and I frequently lament over the late
Miss Larkinss faded flower Being by that time rather tired of this kind of
life and having received new provocation from the butcher I throw the flower
away go out with the butcher and gloriously defeat him
This and the resumption of my ring as well as of the bears grease in
moderation are the last marks I can discern now in my progress to seventeen
Chapter XIX
I Look about Me and Make a Discovery
I am doubtful whether I was at heart glad or sorry when my schooldays drew to
an end and the time came for my leaving Doctor Strongs I had been very happy
there I had a great attachment for the Doctor and I was eminent and
distinguished in that little world For these reasons I was sorry to go but for
other reasons unsubstantial enough I was glad Misty ideas of being a young
man at my own disposal of the importance attaching to a young man at his own
disposal of the wonderful things to be seen and done by that magnificent
animal and the wonderful effects he could not fail to make upon society lured
me away So powerful were these visionary considerations in my boyish mind that
I seem according to my present way of thinking to have left school without
natural regret The separation has not made the impression on me that other
separations have I try in vain to recall how I felt about it and what its
circumstances were but it is not momentous in my recollection I suppose the
opening prospect confused me I know that my juvenile experiences went for
little or nothing then and that life was more like a great fairy story which I
was just about to begin to read than anything else
My aunt and I had held many grave deliberations on the calling to which I
should be devoted For a year or more I had endeavoured to find a satisfactory
answer to her oftenrepeated question »What I would like to be« But I had no
particular liking that I could discover for anything If I could have been
inspired with a knowledge of the science of navigation taken the command of a
fastsailing expedition and gone round the world on a triumphant voyage of
discovery I think I might have considered myself completely suited But in the
absence of any such miraculous provision my desire was to apply myself to some
pursuit that would not lie too heavily upon her purse and to do my duty in it
whatever it might be
Mr Dick had regularly assisted at our councils with a meditative and sage
demeanour He never made a suggestion but once and on that occasion I dont
know what put it in his head he suddenly proposed that I should be a Brazier
My aunt received this proposal so very ungraciously that he never ventured on a
second but ever afterwards confined himself to looking watchfully at her for
her suggestions and rattling his money
»Trot I tell you what my dear« said my aunt one morning in the Christmas
season when I left school »as this knotty point is still unsettled and as we
must not make a mistake in our decision if we can help it I think we had better
take a little breathingtime In the meanwhile you must try to look at it from
a new point of view and not as a schoolboy«
»I will aunt«
»It has occurred to me« pursued my aunt »that a little change and a
glimpse of life out of doors may be useful in helping you to know your own
mind and form a cooler judgment Suppose you were to take a little journey now
Suppose you were to go down into the old part of the country again for
instance and see that that outoftheway woman with the savagest of names«
said my aunt rubbing her nose for she could never thoroughly forgive Peggotty
for being so called
»Of all things in the world aunt I should like it best«
»Well« said my aunt »thats lucky for I should like it too But its
natural and rational that you should like it And I am very well persuaded that
whatever you do Trot will always be natural and rational«
»I hope so aunt«
»Your sister Betsey Trotwood« said my aunt »would have been as natural
and rational a girl as ever breathed Youll be worthy of her wont you«
»I hope I shall be worthy of you aunt That will be enough for me«
»Its a mercy that poor dear baby of a mother of yours didnt live« said my
aunt looking at me approvingly »or shed have been so vain of her boy by this
time that her soft little head would have been completely turned if there was
anything of it left to turn« My aunt always excused any weakness of her own in
my behalf by transferring it in this way to my poor mother »Bless me
Trotwood how you do remind me of her«
»Pleasantly I hope aunt« said I
»Hes as like her Dick« said my aunt emphatically »hes as like her as
she was that afternoon before she began to fret Bless my heart hes as like
her as he can look at me out of his two eyes«
»Is he indeed« said Mr Dick
»And hes like David too« said my aunt decisively
»He is very like David« said Mr Dick
»But what I want you to be Trot« resumed my aunt » I dont mean
physically but morally you are very well physically is a firm fellow A
fine firm fellow with a will of your own With resolution« said my aunt
shaking her cap at me and clenching her hand »With determination With
character Trot With strength of character that is not to be influenced except
on good reason by anybody or by anything Thats what I want you to be Thats
what your father and mother might both have been Heaven knows and been the
better for it«
I intimated that I hoped I should be what she described
»That you may begin in a small way to have a reliance upon yourself and
to act for yourself« said my aunt »I shall send you upon your trip alone I
did think once of Mr Dicks going with you but on second thoughts I shall
keep him to take care of me«
Mr Dick for a moment looked a little disappointed until the honour and
dignity of having to take care of the most wonderful woman in the world
restored the sunshine to his face
»Besides« said my aunt »theres the Memorial«
»Oh certainly« said Mr Dick in a hurry »I intend Trotwood to get that
done immediately it really must be done immediately And then it will go in
you know and then « said Mr Dick after checking himself and pausing a
long time »therell be a pretty kettle of fish«
In pursuance of my aunts kind scheme I was shortly afterwards fitted out
with a handsome purse of money and a portmanteau and tenderly dismissed upon
my expedition At parting my aunt gave me some good advice and a good many
kisses and said that as her object was that I should look about me and should
think a little she would recommend me to stay a few days in London if I liked
it either on my way down into Suffolk or in coming back In a word I was at
liberty to do what I would for three weeks or a month and no other conditions
were imposed upon my freedom than the beforementioned thinking and looking
about me and a pledge to write three times a week and faithfully report myself
I went to Canterbury first that I might take leave of Agnes and Mr
Wickfield my old room in whose house I had not yet relinquished and also of
the good Doctor Agnes was very glad to see me and told me that the house had
not been like itself since I had left it
»I am sure I am not like myself when I am away« said I »I seem to want my
right hand when I miss you Though thats not saying much for theres no head
in my right hand and no heart Every one who knows you consults with you and
is guided by you Agnes«
»Every one who knows me spoils me I believe« she answered smiling
»No Its because you are like no one else You are so good and so
sweettempered You have such a gentle nature and you are always right«
»You talk« said Agnes breaking into a pleasant laugh as she sat at work
»as if I were the late Miss Larkins«
»Come Its not fair to abuse my confidence« I answered reddening at the
recollection of my blue enslaver »But I shall confide in you just the same
Agnes I can never grow out of that Whenever I fall into trouble or fall in
love I shall always tell you if youll let me even when I come to fall in
love in earnest«
»Why you have always been in earnest« said Agnes laughing again
»Oh that was as a child or a schoolboy« said I laughing in my turn not
without being a little shamefaced »Times are altering now and I suppose I
shall be in a terrible state of earnestness one day or other My wonder is that
you are not in earnest yourself by this time Agnes«
Agnes laughed again and shook her head
»Oh I know you are not« said I »because if you had been you would have
told me Or at least« for I saw a faint blush in her face »you would have let
me find it out for myself But there is no one that I know of who deserves to
love you Agnes Some one of a nobler character and more worthy altogether than
any one I have ever seen here must rise up before I give my consent In the
time to come I shall have a wary eye on all admirers and shall exact a great
deal from the successful one I assure you«
We had gone on so far in a mixture of confidential jest and earnest that
had long grown naturally out of our familiar relations begun as mere children
But Agnes now suddenly lifting up her eyes to mine and speaking in a different
manner said
»Trotwood there is something that I want to ask you and that I may not
have another opportunity of asking for a long time perhaps Something I would
ask I think of no one else Have you observed any gradual alteration in Papa«
I had observed it and had often wondered whether she had too I must have
shown as much now in my face for her eyes were in a moment cast down and I
saw tears in them
»Tell me what it is« she said in a low voice
»I think shall I be quite plain Agnes liking him so much«
»Yes« she said
»I think he does himself no good by the habit that has increased upon him
since I first came here He is often very nervous or I fancy so«
»It is not fancy« said Agnes shaking her head
»His hand trembles his speech is not plain and his eyes look wild I have
remarked that at those times and when he is least like himself he is most
certain to be wanted on some business«
»By Uriah« said Agnes
»Yes and the sense of being unfit for it or of not having understood it
or of having shown his condition in spite of himself seems to make him so
uneasy that next day he is worse and next day worse and so he becomes jaded
and haggard Do not be alarmed by what I say Agnes but in this state I saw
him only the other evening lay down his head upon his desk and shed tears
like a child«
Her hand passed softly before my lips while I was yet speaking and in a
moment she had met her father at the door of the room and was hanging on his
shoulder The expression of her face as they both looked towards me I felt to
be very touching There was such deep fondness for him and gratitude to him for
all his love and care in her beautiful look and there was such a fervent
appeal to me to deal tenderly by him even in my inmost thoughts and to let no
harsh construction find any place against him she was at once so proud of him
and devoted to him yet so compassionate and sorry and so reliant upon me to be
so too that nothing she could have said would have expressed more to me or
moved me more
We were to drink tea at the Doctors We went there at the usual hour and
round the study fireside found the Doctor and his young wife and her mother
The Doctor who made as much of my going away as if I were going to China
received me as an honoured guest and called for a log of wood to be thrown on
the fire that he might see the face of his old pupil reddening in the blaze
»I shall not see many more new faces in Trotwoods stead Wickfield« said
the Doctor warming his hands »I am getting lazy and want ease I shall
relinquish all my young people in another six months and lead a quieter life«
»You have said so any time these ten years Doctor« Mr Wickfield
answered
»But now I mean to do it« returned the Doctor »My first master will
succeed me I am in earnest at last so youll soon have to arrange our
contracts and to bind us firmly to them like a couple of knaves«
»And to take care« said Mr Wickfield »that youre not imposed on eh As
you certainly would be in any contract you should make for yourself Well I am
ready There are worse tasks than that in my calling«
»I shall have nothing to think of then« said the Doctor with a smile
»but my Dictionary and this other contractbargain Annie«
As Mr Wickfield glanced towards her sitting at the teatable by Agnes she
seemed to me to avoid his look with such unwonted hesitation and timidity that
his attention became fixed upon her as if something were suggested to his
thoughts
»There is a post come in from India I observe« he said after a short
silence
»Bythebye and letters from Mr Jack Maldon« said the Doctor
»Indeed«
»Poor dear Jack« said Mrs Markleham shaking her head »That trying
climate Like living they tell me on a sandheap underneath a burningglass
He looked strong but he wasnt My dear Doctor it was his spirit not his
constitution that he ventured on so boldly Annie my dear I am sure you must
perfectly recollect that your cousin never was strong not what can be called
robust you know« said Mrs Markleham with emphasis and looking round upon us
generally »from the time when my daughter and himself were children together
and walking about arminarm the livelong day«
Annie thus addressed made no reply
»Do I gather from what you say maam that Mr Maldon is ill« asked Mr
Wickfield
»Ill« replied the Old Soldier »My dear sir hes all sorts of things«
»Except well« said Mr Wickfield
»Except well indeed« said the Old Soldier »He has had dreadful strokes of
the sun no doubt and jungle fevers and agues and every kind of thing you can
mention As to his liver« said the Old Soldier resignedly »that of course he
gave up altogether when he first went out«
»Does he say all this« asked Mr Wickfield
»Say My dear sir« returned Mrs Markleham shaking her head and her fan
»you little know my poor Jack Maldon when you ask that question Say Not he
You might drag him at the heels of four wild horses first«
»Mama« said Mrs Strong
»Annie my dear« returned her mother »once for all I must really beg that
you will not interfere with me unless it is to confirm what I say You know as
well as I do that your cousin Maldon would be dragged at the heels of any
number of wild horses why should I confine myself to four I wont confine
myself to four eight sixteen twoandthirty rather than say anything
calculated to overturn the Doctors plans«
»Wickfields plans« said the Doctor stroking his face and looking
penitently at his adviser »That is to say our joint plans for him I said
myself abroad or at home«
»And I said« added Mr Wickfield gravely »abroad I was the means of
sending him abroad Its my responsibility«
»Oh Responsibility« said the Old Soldier »Everything was done for the
best my dear Mr Wickfield everything was done for the kindest and best we
know But if the dear fellow cant live there he cant live there And if he
cant live there hell die there sooner than hell overturn the Doctors
plans I know him« said the Old Soldier fanning herself in a sort of calm
prophetic agony »and I know hell die there sooner than hell overturn the
Doctors plans«
»Well well maam« said the Doctor cheerfully »I am not bigoted to my
plans and I can overturn them myself I can substitute some other plans If Mr
Jack Maldon comes home on account of ill health he must not be allowed to go
back and we must endeavour to make some more suitable and fortunate provision
for him in this country«
Mrs Markleham was so overcome by this generous speech which I need not
say she had not at all expected or led up to that she could only tell the
Doctor it was like himself and go several times through that operation of
kissing the sticks of her fan and then tapping his hand with it After which
she gently chid her daughter Annie for not being more demonstrative when such
kindnesses were showered for her sake on her old playfellow and entertained
us with some particulars concerning other deserving members of her family whom
it was desirable to set on their deserving legs
All this time her daughter Annie never once spoke or lifted up her eyes
All this time Mr Wickfield had his glance upon her as she sat by his own
daughters side It appeared to me that he never thought of being observed by
any one but was so intent upon her and upon his own thoughts in connexion with
her as to be quite absorbed He now asked what Mr Jack Maldon had actually
written in reference to himself and to whom he had written it
»Why here« said Mrs Markleham taking a letter from the chimneypiece
above the Doctors head »the dear fellow says to the Doctor himself where is
it Oh I am sorry to inform you that my health is suffering severely and
that I fear I may be reduced to the necessity of returning home for a time as
the only hope of restoration Thats pretty plain poor fellow His only hope of
restoration But Annies letter is plainer still Annie show me that letter
again«
»Not now mama« she pleaded in a low tone
»My dear you absolutely are on some subjects one of the most ridiculous
persons in the world« returned her mother »and perhaps the most unnatural to
the claims of your own family We never should have heard of the letter at all
I believe unless I had asked for it myself Do you call that confidence my
love towards Doctor Strong I am surprised You ought to know better«
The letter was reluctantly produced and as I handed it to the old lady I
saw how the unwilling hand from which I took it trembled
»Now let us see« said Mrs Markleham putting her glass to her eye »where
the passage is The remembrance of old times my dearest Annie and so forth
its not there The amiable old Proctor whos he Dear me Annie how
illegibly your cousin Maldon writes and how stupid I am Doctor of course Ah
amiable indeed« Here she left off to kiss her fan again and shake it at the
Doctor who was looking at us in a state of placid satisfaction »Now I have
found it You may not be surprised to hear Annie no to be sure knowing
that he never was really strong what did I say just now that I have
undergone so much in this distant place as to have decided to leave it at all
hazards on sick leave if I can on total resignation if that is not to be
obtained What I have endured and do endure here is insupportable And but for
the promptitude of that best of creatures« said Mrs Markleham telegraphing
the Doctor as before and refolding the letter »it would be insupportable to me
to think of«
Mr Wickfield said not one word though the old lady looked to him as if for
his commentary on this intelligence but sat severely silent with his eyes
fixed on the ground Long after the subject was dismissed and other topics
occupied us he remained so seldom raising his eyes unless to rest them for a
moment with a thoughtful frown upon the Doctor or his wife or both
The Doctor was very fond of music Agnes sang with great sweetness and
expression and so did Mrs Strong They sang together and played duets
together and we had quite a little concert But I remarked two things first
that though Annie soon recovered her composure and was quite herself there was
a blank between her and Mr Wickfield which separated them wholly from each
other secondly that Mr Wickfield seemed to dislike the intimacy between her
and Agnes and to watch it with uneasiness And now I must confess the
recollection of what I had seen on that night when Mr Maldon went away first
began to return upon me with a meaning it had never had and to trouble me The
innocent beauty of her face was not as innocent to me as it had been I
mistrusted the natural grace and charm of her manner and when I looked at Agnes
by her side and thought how good and true Agnes was suspicions arose within me
that it was an illassorted friendship
She was so happy in it herself however and the other was so happy too
that they made the evening fly away as if it were but an hour It closed in an
incident which I well remember They were taking leave of each other and Agnes
was going to embrace her and kiss her when Mr Wickfield stepped between them
as if by accident and drew Agnes quickly away Then I saw as though all the
intervening time had been cancelled and I were still standing in the doorway on
the night of the departure the expression of that night in the face of Mrs
Strong as it confronted his
I cannot say what an impression this made upon me or how impossible I found
it when I thought of her afterwards to separate her from this look and
remember her face in its innocent loveliness again It haunted me when I got
home I seemed to have left the Doctors roof with a dark cloud lowering on it
The reverence that I had for his grey head was mingled with commiseration for
his faith in those who were treacherous to him and with resentment against
those who injured him The impending shadow of a great affliction and a great
disgrace that had no distinct form in it yet fell like a stain upon the quiet
place where I had worked and played as a boy and did it a cruel wrong I had no
pleasure in thinking any more of the grave old broadleaved aloetrees which
remained shut up in themselves a hundred years together and of the trim smooth
grassplot and the stone urns and the Doctors walk and the congenial sound
of the Cathedral bell hovering above them all It was as if the tranquil
sanctuary of my boyhood had been sacked before my face and its peace and honour
given to the winds
But morning brought with it my parting from the old house which Agnes had
filled with her influence and that occupied my mind sufficiently I should be
there again soon no doubt I might sleep again perhaps often in my old
room but the days of my inhabiting there were gone and the old time was past
I was heavier at heart when I packed up such of my books and clothes as still
remained there to be sent to Dover than I cared to show to Uriah Heep who was
so officious to help me that I uncharitably thought him mighty glad that I was
going
I got away from Agnes and her father somehow with an indifferent show of
being very manly and took my seat upon the box of the London coach I was so
softened and forgiving going through the town that I had half a mind to nod to
my old enemy the butcher and throw him five shillings to drink But he looked
such a very obdurate butcher as he stood scraping the great block in the shop
and moreover his appearance was so little improved by the loss of a front tooth
which I had knocked out that I thought it best to make no advances
The main object on my mind I remember when we got fairly on the road was
to appear as old as possible to the coachman and to speak extremely gruff The
latter point I achieved at great personal inconvenience but I stuck to it
because I felt it was a grownup sort of thing
»You are going through sir« said the coachman
»Yes William« I said condescendingly I knew him »I am going to London
I shall go down into Suffolk afterwards«
»Shooting sir« said the coachman
He knew as well as I did that it was just as likely at that time of year I
was going down there whaling but I felt complimented too
»I dont know« I said pretending to be undecided »whether I shall take a
shot or not«
»Birds is got wery shy Im told« said William
»So I understand« said I
»Is Suffolk your county sir« asked William
»Yes« I said with some importance »Suffolks my county«
»Im told the dumplings is uncommon fine down there« said William
I was not aware of it myself but I felt it necessary to uphold the
institutions of my county and to evince a familiarity with them so I shook my
head as much as to say »I believe you«
»And the Punches« said William »Theres cattle A Suffolk Punch when hes
a good un is worth his weight in gold Did you ever breed any Suffolk Punches
yourself sir«
»N no« I said »not exactly«
»Heres a genlmn behind me Ill pound it« said William »as has bred em
by wholesale«
The gentleman spoken of was a gentleman with a very unpromising squint and
a prominent chin who had a tall white hat on with a narrow flat brim and whose
closefitting drab trousers seemed to button all the way up outside his legs
from his boots to his hips His chin was cocked over the coachmans shoulder so
near to me that his breath quite tickled the back of my head and as I looked
round at him he leered at the leaders with the eye with which he didnt squint
in a very knowing manner
»Aint you« asked William
»Aint I what« said the gentleman behind
»Bred them Suffolk Punches by wholesale«
»I should think so« said the gentleman »There aint no sort of orse that I
aint bred and no sort of dorg Orses and dorgs is some mens fancy Theyre
wittles and drink to me lodging wife and children reading writing and
rithmetic snuff tobacker and sleep«
»That aint a sort of man to see sitting behind a coachbox is it though«
said William in my ear as he handled the reins
I construed this remark into an indication of a wish that he should have my
place so I blushingly offered to resign it
»Well if you dont mind sir« said William »I think it would be more
correct«
I have always considered this as the first fall I had in life When I booked
my place at the coachoffice I had had »Box Seat« written against the entry and
had given the bookkeeper halfacrown I was got up in special greatcoat and
shawl expressly to do honour to that distinguished eminence had glorified
myself upon it a good deal and had felt that I was a credit to the coach And
here in the very first stage I was supplanted by a shabby man with a squint
who had no other merit than smelling like a liverystables and being able to
walk across me more like a fly than a human being while the horses were at a
canter
A distrust of myself which has often beset me in life on small occasions
when it would have been better away was assuredly not stopped in its growth by
this little incident outside the Canterbury coach It was in vain to take refuge
in gruffness of speech I spoke from the pit of my stomach for the rest of the
journey but I felt completely extinguished and dreadfully young
It was curious and interesting nevertheless to be sitting up there behind
four horses well educated well dressed and with plenty of money in my pocket
and to look out for the places where I had slept on my weary journey I had
abundant occupation for my thoughts in every conspicuous landmark on the road
When I looked down at the tramps whom we passed and saw that wellremembered
style of face turned up I felt as if the tinkers blackened hand were in the
bosom of my shirt again When we clattered through the narrow street of Chatham
and I caught a glimpse in passing of the lane where the old monster lived who
had bought my jacket I stretched my neck eagerly to look for the place where I
had sat in the sun and in the shade waiting for my money When we came at
last within a stage of London and passed the veritable Salem House where Mr
Creakle had laid about him with a heavy hand I would have given all I had for
lawful permission to get down and thrash him and let all the boys out like so
many caged sparrows
We went to the Golden Cross at Charing Cross then a mouldy sort of
establishment in a close neighbourhood A waiter showed me into the coffeeroom
and a chambermaid introduced me to my small bedchamber which smelt like a
hackneycoach and was shut up like a family vault I was still painfully
conscious of my youth for nobody stood in any awe of me at all the chambermaid
being utterly indifferent to my opinions on any subject and the waiter being
familiar with me and offering advice to my inexperience
»Well now« said the waiter in a tone of confidence »what would you like
for dinner Young gentlemen likes poultry in general have a fowl«
I told him as majestically as I could that I wasnt in the humour for a
fowl
»Aint you« said the waiter »Young gentlemen is generally tired of beef
and mutton have a weal cutlet«
I assented to this proposal in default of being able to suggest anything
else
»Do you care for taters« said the waiter with an insinuating smile and
his head on one side »Young gentlemen generally has been overdosed with
taters«
I commanded him in my deepest voice to order a veal cutlet and potatoes
and all things fitting and to inquire at the bar if there were any letters for
Trotwood Copperfield Esquire which I knew there were not and couldnt be
but thought it manly to appear to expect
He soon came back to say that there were none at which I was much
surprised and began to lay the cloth for my dinner in a box by the fire While
he was so engaged he asked me what I would take with it and on my replying
»Half a pint of sherry« thought it a favourable opportunity I am afraid to
extract that measure of wine from the stale leavings at the bottoms of several
small decanters I am of this opinion because while I was reading the
newspaper I observed him behind a low wooden partition which was his private
apartment very busy pouring out of a number of those vessels into one like a
chemist and druggist making up a prescription When the wine came too I
thought it flat and it certainly had more English crumbs in it than were to be
expected in a foreign wine in anything like a pure state but I was bashful
enough to drink it and say nothing
Being then in a pleasant frame of mind from which I infer that poisoning is
not always disagreeable in some stages of the process), I resolved to go to the
play It was Covent Garden Theatre that I chose and there from the back of a
centre box I saw Julius Caesar and the new Pantomime To have all those noble
Romans alive before me and walking in and out for my entertainment instead of
being the stern taskmasters they had been at school was a most novel and
delightful effect But the mingled reality and mystery of the whole show the
influence upon me of the poetry the lights the music the company the smooth
stupendous changes of glittering and brilliant scenery were so dazzling and
opened up such illimitable regions of delight that when I came out into the
rainy street at twelve oclock at night I felt as if I had come from the
clouds where I had been leading a romantic life for ages to a bawling
splashing linklighted umbrellastruggling hackneycoachjostling
pattenclinking muddy miserable world
I had emerged by another door and stood in the street for a little while
as if I really were a stranger upon earth but the unceremonious pushing and
hustling that I received soon recalled me to myself and put me in the road
back to the hotel whither I went revolving the glorious vision all the way
and where after some porter and oysters I sat revolving it still at past one
oclock with my eyes on the coffeeroom fire
I was so filled with the play and with the past for it was in a manner
like a shining transparency through which I saw my earlier life moving along
that I dont know when the figure of a handsome wellformed young man dressed
with a tasteful easy negligence which I have reason to remember very well
became a real presence to me But I recollect being conscious of his company
without having noticed his coming in and my still sitting musing over the
coffeeroom fire
At last I rose to go to bed much to the relief of the sleepy waiter who
had got the fidgets in his legs and was twisting them and hitting them and
putting them through all kinds of contortions in his small pantry In going
towards the door I passed the person who had come in and saw him plainly I
turned directly came back and looked again He did not know me but I knew him
in a moment
At another time I might have wanted the confidence or the decision to speak
to him and might have put it off until next day and might have lost him But
in the then condition of my mind where the play was still running high his
former protection of me appeared so deserving of my gratitude and my old love
for him overflowed my breast so freshly and spontaneously that I went up to him
at once with a fastbeating heart and said
»Steerforth wont you speak to me«
He looked at me just as he used to look sometimes but I saw no
recognition in his face
»You dont remember me I am afraid« said I
»My God« he suddenly exclaimed »Its little Copperfield«
I grasped him by both hands and could not let them go But for very shame
and the fear that it might displease him I could have held him round the neck
and cried
»I never never never was so glad My dear Steerforth I am so overjoyed to
see you«
»And I am rejoiced to see you too« he said shaking my hands heartily
»Why Copperfield old boy dont be overpowered« And yet he was glad too I
thought to see how the delight I had in meeting him affected me
I brushed away the tears that my utmost resolution had not been able to keep
back and I made a clumsy laugh of it and we sat down together side by side
»Why how do you come to be here« said Steerforth clapping me on the
shoulder
»I came here by the Canterbury coach today I have been adopted by an aunt
down in that part of the country and have just finished my education there How
do you come to be here Steerforth«
»Well I am what they call an Oxford man« he returned »that is to say I
get bored to death down there periodically and I am on my way now to my
mothers Youre a devilish amiablelooking fellow Copperfield Just what you
used to be now I look at you Not altered in the least«
»I knew you immediately« I said »but you are more easily remembered«
He laughed as he ran his hand through the clustering curls of his hair and
said gaily
»Yes I am on an expedition of duty My mother lives a little way out of
town and the roads being in a beastly condition and our house tedious enough
I remained here tonight instead of going on I have not been in town
halfadozen hours and those I have been dozing and grumbling away at the
play«
»I have been at the play too« said I »At Covent Garden What a delightful
and magnificent entertainment Steerforth«
Steerforth laughed heartily
»My dear young Davy« he said clapping me on the shoulder again »you are a
very Daisy The daisy of the field at sunrise is not fresher than you are I
have been at Covent Garden too and there never was a more miserable business
Holloa you sir«
This was addressed to the waiter who had been very attentive to our
recognition at a distance and now came forward deferentially
»Where have you put my friend Mr Copperfield« said Steerforth
»Beg your pardon sir«
»Where does he sleep Whats his number You know what I mean« said
Steerforth
»Well sir« said the waiter with an apologetic air »Mr Copperfield is at
present in fortyfour sir«
»And what the devil do you mean« retorted Steerforth »by putting Mr
Copperfield into a little loft over a stable«
»Why you see we wasnt aware sir« returned the waiter still
apologetically »as Mr Copperfield was anyways particular We can give Mr
Copperfield seventytwo sir if it would be preferred Next you sir«
»Of course it would be preferred« said Steerforth »And do it at once«
The waiter immediately withdrew to make the exchange Steerforth very much
amused at my having been put into fortyfour laughed again and clapped me on
the shoulder again and invited me to breakfast with him next morning at ten
oclock an invitation I was only too proud and happy to accept It being now
pretty late we took our candles and went upstairs where we parted with
friendly heartiness at his door and where I found my new room a great
improvement on my old one it not being at all musty and having an immense
fourpost bedstead in it which was quite a little landed estate Here among
pillows enough for six I soon fell asleep in a blissful condition and dreamed
of ancient Rome Steerforth and friendship until the early morning coaches
rumbling out of the archway underneath made me dream of thunder and the gods
Chapter XX
Steerforths Home
When the chambermaid tapped at my door at eight oclock and informed me that my
shavingwater was outside I felt severely the having no occasion for it and
blushed in my bed The suspicion that she laughed too when she said it preyed
upon my mind all the time I was dressing and gave me I was conscious a
sneaking and guilty air when I passed her on the staircase as I was going down
to breakfast I was so sensitively aware indeed of being younger than I could
have wished that for some time I could not make up my mind to pass her at all
under the ignoble circumstances of the case but hearing her there with a
broom stood peeping out of window at King Charles on horseback surrounded by a
maze of hackneycoaches and looking anything but regal in a drizzling rain and
a darkbrown fog until I was admonished by the waiter that the gentleman was
waiting for me
It was not in the coffeeroom that I found Steerforth expecting me but in a
snug private apartment redcurtained and Turkeycarpeted where the fire burnt
bright and a fine hot breakfast was set forth on a table covered with a clean
cloth and a cheerful miniature of the room the fire the breakfast
Steerforth and all was shining in the little round mirror over the sideboard
I was rather bashful at first Steerforth being so selfpossessed and elegant
and superior to me in all respects age included but his easy patronage soon
put that to rights and made me quite at home I could not enough admire the
change he had wrought in the Golden Cross or compare the dull forlorn state I
had held yesterday with this mornings comfort and this mornings
entertainment As to the waiters familiarity it was quenched as if it had
never been He attended on us as I may say in sackcloth and ashes
»Now Copperfield« said Steerforth when we were alone »I should like to
hear what you are doing and where you are going and all about you I feel as
if you were my property«
Glowing with pleasure to find that he had still this interest in me I told
him how my aunt had proposed the little expedition that I had before me and
whither it tended
»As you are in no hurry then« said Steerforth »come home with me to
Highgate and stay a day or two You will be pleased with my mother she is a
little vain and prosy about me but that you can forgive her and she will be
pleased with you«
»I should like to be as sure of that as you are kind enough to say you
are« I answered smiling
»Oh« said Steerforth »every one who likes me has a claim on her that is
sure to be acknowledged«
»Then I think I shall be a favourite« said I
»Good« said Steerforth »Come and prove it We will go and see the lions
for an hour or two its something to have a fresh fellow like you to show them
to Copperfield and then well journey out to Highgate by the coach«
I could hardly believe but that I was in a dream and that I should wake
presently in number fortyfour to the solitary box in the coffeeroom and the
familiar waiter again After I had written to my aunt and told her of my
fortunate meeting with my admired old schoolfellow and my acceptance of his
invitation we went out in a hackneychariot and saw a Panorama and some other
sights and took a walk through the Museum where I could not help observing how
much Steerforth knew on an infinite variety of subjects and of how little
account he seemed to make his knowledge
»Youll take a high degree at college Steerforth« said I »if you have not
done so already and they will have good reason to be proud of you«
»I take a degree« cried Steerforth »Not I my dear Daisy will you mind
my calling you Daisy«
»Not at all« said I
»Thats a good fellow My dear Daisy« said Steerforth laughing »I have
not the least desire or intention to distinguish myself in that way I have done
quite sufficient for my purpose I find that I am heavy company enough for
myself as I am«
»But the fame « I was beginning
»You romantic Daisy« said Steerforth laughing still more heartily »why
should I trouble myself that a parcel of heavyheaded fellows may gape and hold
up their hands Let them do it at some other man Theres fame for him and hes
welcome to it«
I was abashed at having made so great a mistake and was glad to change the
subject Fortunately it was not difficult to do for Steerforth could always
pass from one subject to another with a carelessness and lightness that were his
own
Lunch succeeded to our sightseeing and the short winter day wore away so
fast that it was dusk when the stagecoach stopped with us at an old brick house
at Highgate on the summit of the hill An elderly lady though not very far
advanced in years with a proud carriage and a handsome face was in the doorway
as we alighted and greeting Steerforth as »My dearest James« folded him in her
arms To this lady he presented me as his mother and she gave me a stately
welcome
It was a genteel oldfashioned house very quiet and orderly From the
windows of my room I saw all London lying in the distance like a great vapour
with here and there some lights twinkling through it I had only time in
dressing to glance at the solid furniture the framed pieces of work done I
supposed by Steerforths mother when she was a girl and some pictures in
crayons of ladies with powdered hair and bodices coming and going on the walls
as the newlykindled fire crackled and sputtered when I was called to dinner
There was a second lady in the diningroom of a slight short figure dark
and not agreeable to look at but with some appearance of good looks too who
attracted my attention perhaps because I had not expected to see her perhaps
because I found myself sitting opposite to her perhaps because of something
really remarkable in her She had black hair and eager black eyes and was thin
and had a scar upon her lip It was an old scar I should rather call it seam
for it was not discoloured and had healed years ago which had once cut
through her mouth downward towards the chin but was now barely visible across
the table except above and on her upper lip the shape of which it had altered
I concluded in my own mind that she was about thirty years of age and that she
wished to be married She was a little dilapidated like a house with
having been so long to let yet had as I have said an appearance of good
looks Her thinness seemed to be the effect of some wasting fire within her
which found a vent in her gaunt eyes
She was introduced as Miss Dartle and both Steerforth and his mother called
her Rosa I found that she lived there and had been for a long time Mrs
Steerforths companion It appeared to me that she never said anything she
wanted to say outright but hinted it and made a great deal more of it by this
practice For example, when Mrs Steerforth observed more in jest than earnest
that she feared her son led but a wild life at college Miss Dartle put in thus
»Oh really You know how ignorant I am and that I only ask for
information but isnt it always so I thought that kind of life was on all
hands understood to be eh«
»It is education for a very grave profession if you mean that Rosa« Mrs
Steerforth answered with some coldness
»Oh Yes Thats very true« returned Miss Dartle »But isnt it though
I want to be put right if I am wrong isnt it really«
»Really what« said Mrs Steerforth
»Oh You mean its not« returned Miss Dartle »Well Im very glad to hear
it Now I know what to do Thats the advantage of asking I shall never allow
people to talk before me about wastefulness and profligacy and so forth in
connexion with that life any more«
»And you will be right« said Mrs Steerforth »My sons tutor is a
conscientious gentleman and if I had not implicit reliance on my son I should
have reliance on him«
»Should you« said Miss Dartle »Dear me Conscientious is he Really
conscientious now«
»Yes I am convinced of it« said Mrs Steerforth
»How very nice« exclaimed Miss Dartle »What a comfort Really
conscientious Then hes not but of course he cant be if hes really
conscientious Well I shall be quite happy in my opinion of him from this
time You cant think how it elevates him in my opinion to know for certain
that hes really conscientious«
Her own views of every question and her correction of everything that was
said to which she was opposed Miss Dartle insinuated in the same way
sometimes I could not conceal from myself with great power though in
contradiction even of Steerforth An instance happened before dinner was done
Mrs Steerforth speaking to me about my intention of going down into Suffolk I
said at hazard how glad I should be if Steerforth would only go there with me
and explaining to him that I was going to see my old nurse and Mr Peggottys
family I reminded him of the boatman whom he had seen at school
»Oh That bluff fellow« said Steerforth »He had a son with him hadnt
he«
»No That was his nephew« I replied »whom he adopted though as a son He
has a very pretty little niece too whom he adopted as a daughter In short his
house or rather his boat for he lives in one on dry land is full of people
who are objects of his generosity and kindness You would be delighted to see
that household«
»Should I« said Steerforth »Well I think I should I must see what can be
done It would be worth a journey not to mention the pleasure of a journey with
you Daisy to see that sort of people together and to make one of em«
My heart leaped with a new hope of pleasure But it was in reference to the
tone in which he had spoken of that sort of people that Miss Dartle whose
sparkling eyes had been watchful of us now broke in again
»Oh but really Do tell me Are they though« she said
»Are they what And are who what« said Steerforth
»That sort of people Are they really animals and clods and beings of
another order I want to know so much«
»Why theres a pretty wide separation between them and us« said
Steerforth with indifference »They ore not to be expected to be as sensitive
as we are Their delicacy is not to be shocked or hurt very easily They are
wonderfully virtuous I dare say Some people contend for that at least and I
am sure I dont want to contradict them But they have not very fine natures
and they may be thankful that like their coarse rough skins they are not
easily wounded«
»Really« said Miss Dartle »Well I dont know now when I have been
better pleased than to hear that Its so consoling Its such a delight to know
that when they suffer they dont feel Sometimes I have been quite uneasy for
that sort of people but now I shall just dismiss the idea of them altogether
Live and learn I had my doubts I confess but now theyre cleared up I didnt
know and now I do know and that shows the advantage of asking dont it«
I believed that Steerforth had said what he had in jest or to draw Miss
Dartle out and I expected him to say as much when she was gone and we two were
sitting before the fire But he merely asked me what I thought of her
»She is very clever is she not« I asked
»Clever She brings everything to a grindstone« said Steerforth »and
sharpens it as she has sharpened her own face and figure these years past She
has worn herself away by constant sharpening She is all edge«
»What a remarkable scar that is upon her lip« I said
Steerforths face fell and he paused a moment
»Why the fact is« he returned »I did that«
»By an unfortunate accident«
»No I was a young boy and she exasperated me and I threw a hammer at her
A promising young angel I must have been«
I was deeply sorry to have touched on such a painful theme but that was
useless now
»She has borne the mark ever since as you see« said Steerforth »and
shell bear it to her grave if she ever rests in one though I can hardly
believe she will ever rest anywhere She was the motherless child of a sort of
cousin of my fathers He died one day My mother who was then a widow brought
her here to be company to her She has a couple of thousand pounds of her own
and saves the interest of it every year to add to the principal Theres the
history of Miss Rosa Dartle for you«
»And I have no doubt she loves you like a brother« said I
»Humph« retorted Steerforth looking at the fire »Some brothers are not
loved over much and some love but help yourself Copperfield Well drink the
daisies of the field in compliment to you and the lilies of the valley that
toil not neither do they spin in compliment to me the more shame for me« A
moody smile that had overspread his features cleared off as he said this
merrily and he was his own frank winning self again
I could not help glancing at the scar with a painful interest when we went
in to tea It was not long before I observed that it was the most susceptible
part of her face and that when she turned pale that mark altered first and
became a dull leadcoloured streak lengthening out to its full extent like a
mark in invisible ink brought to the fire There was a little altercation
between her and Steerforth about a cast of the dice at backgammon when I
thought her for one moment in a storm of rage and then I saw it start forth
like the old writing on the wall
It was no matter of wonder to me to find Mrs Steerforth devoted to her son
She seemed to be able to speak or think about nothing else She showed me his
picture as an infant in a locket with some of his babyhair in it she showed
me his picture as he had been when I first knew him and she wore at her breast
his picture as he was now All the letters he had ever written to her she kept
in a cabinet near her own chair by the fire and she would have read me some of
them and I should have been very glad to hear them too if he had not
interposed and coaxed her out of the design
»It was at Mr Creakles my son tells me that you first became
acquainted« said Mrs Steerforth as she and I were talking at one table while
they played backgammon at another »Indeed I recollect his speaking at that
time of a pupil younger than himself who had taken his fancy there but your
name as you may suppose has not lived in my memory«
»He was very generous and noble to me in those days I assure you maam«
said I »and I stood in need of such a friend I should have been quite crushed
without him«
»He is always generous and noble« said Mrs Steerforth proudly
I subscribed to this with all my heart God knows She knew I did for the
stateliness of her manner already abated towards me except when she spoke in
praise of him and then her air was always lofty
»It was not a fit school generally for my son« said she »far from it but
there were particular circumstances to be considered at the time of more
importance even than that selection My sons high spirit made it desirable that
he should be placed with some man who felt its superiority and would be content
to bow himself before it and we found such a man there«
I knew that knowing the fellow And yet I did not despise him the more for
it but thought it a redeeming quality in him if he could be allowed any grace
for not resisting one so irresistible as Steerforth
»My sons great capacity was tempted on there by a feeling of voluntary
emulation and conscious pride« the fond lady went on to say »He would have
risen against all constraint but he found himself the monarch of the place and
he haughtily determined to be worthy of his station It was like himself«
I echoed with all my heart and soul that it was like himself
»So my son took of his own will and on no compulsion to the course in
which he can always when it is his pleasure outstrip every competitor« she
pursued »My son informs me Mr Copperfield that you were quite devoted to
him and that when you met yesterday you made yourself known to him with tears
of joy I should be an affected woman if I made any pretence of being surprised
by my sons inspiring such emotions but I cannot be indifferent to any one who
is so sensible of his merit and I am very glad to see you here and can assure
you that he feels an unusual friendship for you and that you may rely on his
protection«
Miss Dartle played backgammon as eagerly as she did everything else If I
had seen her first at the board I should have fancied that her figure had got
thin and her eyes had got large over that pursuit and no other in the world
But I am very much mistaken if she missed a word of this or lost a look of mine
as I received it with the utmost pleasure and honoured by Mrs Steerforths
confidence felt older than I had done since I left Canterbury
When the evening was pretty far spent and a tray of glasses and decanters
came in Steerforth promised over the fire that he would seriously think of
going down into the country with me There was no hurry he said a week hence
would do and his mother hospitably said the same While we were talking he
more than once called me Daisy which brought Miss Dartle out again
»But really Mr Copperfield« she asked »is it a nickname And why does
he give it you Is it eh because he thinks you young and innocent I am so
stupid in these things«
I coloured in replying that I believe it was
»Oh« said Miss Dartle »Now I am glad to know that I ask for information
and I am glad to know it He thinks you young and innocent and so you are his
friend Well thats quite delightful«
She went to bed soon after this and Mrs Steerforth retired too Steerforth
and I after lingering for half an hour over the fire talking about Traddles
and all the rest of them at old Salem House went upstairs together
Steerforths room was next to mine and I went in to look at it It was a
picture of comfort full of easychairs cushions and footstools worked by his
mothers hand and with no sort of thing omitted that could help to render it
complete Finally her handsome features looked down on her darling from a
portrait on the wall as if it were even something to her that her likeness
should watch him while he slept
I found the fire burning clear enough in my room by this time and the
curtains drawn before the windows and round the bed giving it a very snug
appearance I sat down in a great chair upon the hearth to meditate on my
happiness and had enjoyed the contemplation of it for some time when I found a
likeness of Miss Dartle looking eagerly at me from above the chimneypiece
It was a startling likeness and necessarily had a startling look The
painter hadnt made the scar but I made it and there it was coming and going
now confined to the upper lip as I had seen it at dinner and now showing the
whole extent of the wound inflicted by the hammer as I had seen it when she was
passionate
I wondered peevishly why they couldnt put her anywhere else instead of
quartering her on me To get rid of her I undressed quickly extinguished my
light and went to bed But as I fell asleep I could not forget that she was
still there looking »Is it really though I want to know« and when I awoke in
the night I found that I was uneasily asking all sorts of people in my dreams
whether it really was or not without knowing what I meant
Chapter XXI
Little Emly
There was a servant in that house a man who I understood was usually with
Steerforth and had come into his service at the University who was in
appearance a pattern of respectability I believe there never existed in his
station a more respectablelooking man He was taciturn softfooted very quiet
in his manner deferential observant always at hand when wanted and never
near when not wanted but his great claim to consideration was his
respectability He had not a pliant face he had rather a stiff neck rather a
tight smooth head with short hair clinging to it at the sides a soft way of
speaking with a peculiar habit of whispering the letter S so distinctly that
he seemed to use it oftener than any other man but every peculiarity that he
had he made respectable If his nose had been upsidedown he would have made
that respectable He surrounded himself with an atmosphere of respectability
and walked secure in it It would have been next to impossible to suspect him of
anything wrong he was so thoroughly respectable Nobody could have thought of
putting him in a livery he was so highly respectable To have imposed any
derogatory work upon him would have been to inflict a wanton insult on the
feelings of a most respectable man And of this I noticed the womenservants in
the household were so intuitively conscious that they always did such work
themselves and generally while he read the paper by the pantry fire
Such a self-contained man I never saw But in that quality as in every
other he possessed he only seemed to be the more respectable Even the fact
that no one knew his Christian name seemed to form a part of his
respectability Nothing could be objected against his surname Littimer by
which he was known Peter might have been hanged or Tom transported but
Littimer was perfectly respectable
It was occasioned I suppose by the reverend nature of respectability in
the abstract, but I felt particularly young in this mans presence How old he
was himself I could not guess And that again went to his credit on the same
score for in the calmness of respectability he might have numbered fifty years
as well as thirty
Littimer was in my room in the morning before I was up to bring me that
reproachful shavingwater and to put out my clothes When I undrew the curtains
and looked out of bed I saw him in an equable temperature of respectability
unaffected by the east wind of January and not even breathing frostily
standing my boots right and left in the first dancing position and blowing
specks of dust off my coat as he laid it down like a baby
I gave him good morning and asked him what oclock it was He took out of
his pocket the most respectable huntingwatch I ever saw and preventing the
spring with his thumb from opening far looked in at the face as if he were
consulting an oracular oyster shut it up again and said if I pleased it was
halfpast eight
»Mr Steerforth will be glad to hear how you have rested sir«
»Thank you« said I »very well indeed Is Mr Steerforth quite well«
»Thank you sir Mr Steerforth is tolerably well« Another of his
characteristics No use of superlatives A cool calm medium always
»Is there anything more I can have the honour of doing for you sir The
warningbell will ring at nine the family take breakfast at halfpast nine«
»Nothing I thank you«
»I thank you sir if you please« and with that and with a little
inclination of his head when he passed the bedside as an apology for correcting
me he went out shutting the door as delicately as if I had just fallen into a
sweet sleep on which my life depended
Every morning we held exactly this conversation never any more and never
any less and yet invariably however far I might have been lifted out of
myself overnight and advanced towards maturer years by Steerforths
companionship or Mrs Steerforths confidence or Miss Dartles conversation
in the presence of this most respectable man I became as our smaller poets
sing »a boy again«
He got horses for us and Steerforth who knew everything gave me lessons
in riding He provided foils for us and Steerforth gave me lessons in fencing
gloves and I began of the same master to improve in boxing It gave me no
manner of concern that Steerforth should find me a novice in these sciences but
I never could bear to show my want of skill before the respectable Littimer I
had no reason to believe that Littimer understood such arts himself he never
led me to suppose anything of the kind by so much as the vibration of one of
his respectable eyelashes yet whenever he was by while we were practising I
felt myself the greenest and most inexperienced of mortals
I am particular about this man because he made a particular effect on me at
that time and because of what took place thereafter
The week passed away in a most delightful manner It passed rapidly as may
be supposed to one entranced as I was and yet it gave me so many occasions for
knowing Steerforth better and admiring him more in a thousand respects that at
its close I seemed to have been with him for a much longer time A dashing way
he had of treating me like a plaything was more agreeable to me than any
behaviour he could have adopted It reminded me of our old acquaintance it
seemed the natural sequel of it it showed me that he was unchanged it relieved
me of any uneasiness I might have felt in comparing my merits with his and
measuring my claims upon his friendship by any equal standard above all it was
a familiar unrestrained affectionate demeanour that he used towards no one
else As he had treated me at school differently from all the rest I joyfully
believed that he treated me in life unlike any other friend he had I believed
that I was nearer to his heart than any other friend and my own heart warmed
with attachment to him
He made up his mind to go with me into the country and the day arrived for
our departure He had been doubtful at first whether to take Littimer or not
but decided to leave him at home The respectable creature satisfied with his
lot whatever it was arranged our portmanteaus on the little carriage that was
to take us into London as if they were intended to defy the shocks of ages and
received my modestly proffered donation with perfect tranquillity
We bade adieu to Mrs Steerforth and Miss Dartle with many thanks on my
part and much kindness on the devoted mothers The last thing I saw was
Littimers unruffled eye fraught as I fancied with the silent conviction
that I was very young indeed
What I felt in returning so auspiciously to the old familiar places I
shall not endeavour to describe We went down by the Mail I was so concerned I
recollect even for the honour of Yarmouth that when Steerforth said as we
drove through its dark streets to the inn that as well as he could make out
it was a good queer outoftheway kind of hole I was highly pleased We went
to bed on our arrival I observed a pair of dirty shoes and gaiters in connexion
with my old friend the Dolphin as we passed that door and breakfasted late in
the morning Steerforth who was in great spirits had been strolling about the
beach before I was up and had made acquaintance he said with half the boatmen
in the place Moreover he had seen in the distance what he was sure must be
the identical house of Mr Peggotty with smoke coming out of the chimney and
had had a great mind he told me to walk in and swear he was myself grown out
of knowledge.
»When do you propose to introduce me there Daisy« he said »I am at your
disposal Make your own arrangements«
»Why I was thinking that this evening would be a good time Steerforth
when they are all sitting round the fire I should like you to see it when its
snug its such a curious place«
»So be it« returned Steerforth »This evening«
»I shall not give them any notice that we are here you know« said I
delighted »We must take them by surprise«
»Oh of course Its no fun« said Steerforth »unless we take them by
surprise Let us see the natives in their aboriginal condition«
»Though they are that sort of people that you mentioned« I returned
»Aha What you recollect my skirmishes with Rosa do you« he exclaimed
with a quick look »Confound the girl I am half afraid of her Shes like a
goblin to me But never mind her Now what are you going to do You are going to
see your nurse I suppose«
»Why yes« I said »I must see Peggotty first of all«
»Well« replied Steerforth looking at his watch »Suppose I deliver you up
to be cried over for a couple of hours Is that long enough«
I answered laughing that I thought we might get through it in that time
but that he must come also for he would find that his renown had preceded him
and that he was almost as great a personage as I was
»Ill come anywhere you like« said Steerforth »or do anything you like
Tell me where to come to and in two hours Ill produce myself in any state you
please sentimental or comical«
I gave him minute directions for finding the residence of Mr Barkis
carrier to Blunderstone and elsewhere and on this understanding went out
alone There was a sharp bracing air the ground was dry the sea was crisp and
clear the sun was diffusing abundance of light if not much warmth and
everything was fresh and lively I was so fresh and lively myself in the
pleasure of being there that I could have stopped the people in the streets and
shaken hands with them
The streets looked small of course The streets that we have only seen as
children always do I believe when we go back to them But I had forgotten
nothing in them and found nothing changed until I came to Mr Omers shop
OMER AND JORAM was now written up where OMER used to be but the inscription
DRAPER TAILOR HABERDASHER FUNERAL FURNISHER etc remained as it was
My footsteps seemed to tend so naturally to the shopdoor after I had read
these words from over the way that I went across the road and looked in There
was a pretty woman at the back of the shop dancing a little child in her arms
while another little fellow clung to her apron I had no difficulty in
recognising either Minnie or Minnies children The glass door of the parlour
was not open but in the workshop across the yard I could faintly hear the old
tune playing as if it had never left off
»Is Mr Omer at home« said I entering »I should like to see him for a
moment if he is«
»Oh yes sir he is at home« said Minnie »this weather dont suit his
asthma out of doors Joe call your grandfather«
The little fellow who was holding her apron gave such a lusty shout that
the sound of it made him bashful and he buried his face in her skirts to her
great admiration I heard a heavy puffing and blowing coming towards us and
soon Mr Omer shorterwinded than of yore but not much olderlooking stood
before me
»Servant sir« said Mr Omer »What can I do for you sir«
»You can shake hands with me Mr Omer if you please« said I putting out
my own »You were very goodnatured to me once when I am afraid I didnt show
that I thought so«
»Was I though« returned the old man »Im glad to hear it but I dont
remember when Are you sure it was me«
»Quite«
»I think my memory has got as short as my breath« said Mr Omer looking at
me and shaking his head »For I dont remember you«
»Dont you remember your coming to the coach to meet me and my having
breakfast here and our riding out to Blunderstone together you and I and
Mrs Joram and Mr Joram too who wasnt her husband then«
»Why Lord bless my soul« exclaimed Mr Omer after being thrown by his
surprise into a fit of coughing »you dont say so Minnie my dear you
recollect Dear me yes the party was a lady I think«
»My mother« I rejoined
»To be sure« said Mr Omer touching my waistcoat with his forefinger
»and there was a little child too There was two parties The little party was
laid along with the other party Over at Blunderstone it was of course Dear
me And how have you been since«
Very well I thanked him as I hoped he had been too
»Oh nothing to grumble at you know« said Mr Omer »I find my breath gets
short but it seldom gets longer as a man gets older I take it as it comes and
make the most of it Thats the best way aint it«
Mr Omer coughed again in consequence of laughing and was assisted out of
his fit by his daughter who now stood close beside us dancing her smallest
child on the counter
»Dear me« said Mr Omer »Yes to be sure Two parties Why in that very
ride if youll believe me the day was named for my Minnie to marry Joram Do
name it sir says Joram Yes do father says Minnie And now hes come into
the business And look here The youngest«
Minnie laughed and stroked her banded hair upon her temples as her father
put one of his fat fingers into the hand of the child she was dancing on the
counter
»Two parties of course« said Mr Omer nodding his head retrospectively
»Exactly so And Jorams at work at this minute on a grey one with silver
nails not this measurement« the measurement of the dancing child upon the
counter »by a good two inches Will you take something«
I thanked him but declined
»Let me see« said Mr Omer »Barkiss the carriers wife Peggottys the
boatmans sister she had something to do with your family She was in service
there sure«
My answering in the affirmative gave him great satisfaction
»I believe my breath will get long next my memorys getting so much so«
said Mr Omer »Well sir weve got a young relation of hers here under
articles to us that has as elegant a taste in the dressmaking business I
assure you I dont believe theres a Duchess in England can touch her«
»Not little Emly« said I involuntarily
»Emlys her name« said Mr Omer »and shes little too But if youll
believe me she has such a face of her own that half the women in this town are
mad against her«
»Nonsense father« cried Minnie
»My dear« said Mr Omer »I dont say its the case with you« winking at
me »but I say that half the women in Yarmouth ah and in five mile round are
mad against that girl«
»Then she should have kept to her own station in life father« said Minnie
»and not have given them any hold to talk about her and then they couldnt have
done it«
»Couldnt have done it my dear« retorted Mr Omer »Couldnt have done it
Is that your knowledge of life What is there that any woman couldnt do that
she shouldnt do especially on the subject of another womans good looks«
I really thought it was all over with Mr Omer after he had uttered this
libellous pleasantry He coughed to that extent and his breath eluded all his
attempts to recover it with that obstinacy that I fully expected to see his
head go down behind the counter and his little black breeches with the rusty
little bunches of ribbons at the knees come quivering up in a last ineffectual
struggle At length however he got better though he still panted hard and
was so exhausted that he was obliged to sit on the stool of the shopdesk
»You see« he said wiping his head and breathing with difficulty »She
hasnt taken much to any companions here she hasnt taken kindly to any
particular acquaintances and friends not to mention sweethearts In
consequence an illnatured story got about that Emly wanted to be a lady
Now my opinion is that it came into circulation principally on account of her
sometimes saying at the school that if she was a lady she would like to do
soandso for her uncle dont you see and buy him suchandsuch fine
things«
»I assure you Mr Omer she has said so to me« I returned eagerly »When
we were both children«
Mr Omer nodded his head and rubbed his chin »Just so Then out of a very
little she could dress herself you see better than most others could out of a
deal and that made things unpleasant Moreover she was rather what might be
called wayward Ill go so far as to say what I should call wayward myself«
said Mr Omer »didnt know her own mind quite a little spoiled and couldnt
at first exactly bind herself down No more than that was ever said against
her Minnie«
»No father« said Mrs Joram »Thats the worst I believe«
»So when she got a situation« said Mr Omer »To keep a fractious old lady
company they didnt very well agree and she didnt stop At last she came
here apprenticed for three years Nearly two of em are over and she has been
as good a girl as ever was Worth any six Minnie is she worth any six now«
»Yes father« replied Minnie »Never say I detracted from her«
»Very good« said Mr Omer »Thats right And so young gentleman« he
added after a few moments further rubbing of his chin »that you may not
consider me longwinded as well as shortbreathed I believe thats all about
it«
As they had spoken in a subdued tone while speaking of Emly I had no
doubt that she was near On my asking now if that were not so Mr Omer nodded
yes and nodded towards the door of the parlour My hurried inquiry if I might
peep in was answered with a free permission and looking through the glass I
saw her sitting at her work I saw her a most beautiful little creature with
the cloudless blue eyes that had looked into my childish heart turned
laughingly upon another child of Minnies who was playing near her with enough
of wilfulness in her bright face to justify what I had heard with much of the
old capricious coyness lurking in it but with nothing in her pretty looks I am
sure but what was meant for goodness and for happiness and what was on a good
and happy course
The tune across the yard that seemed as if it never had left off alas it
was the tune that never does leave off was beating softly all the while
»Wouldnt you like to step in« said Mr Omer »and speak to her Walk in
and speak to her sir Make yourself at home«
I was too bashful to do so then I was afraid of confusing her and I was
no less afraid of confusing myself but I informed myself of the hour at which
she left of an evening in order that our visit might be timed accordingly and
taking leave of Mr Omer and his pretty daughter and her little children went
away to my dear old Peggottys
Here she was in the tiled kitchen cooking dinner The moment I knocked at
the door she opened it and asked me what I pleased to want I looked at her
with a smile but she gave me no smile in return I had never ceased to write to
her but it must have been seven years since we had met
»Is Mr Barkis at home maam« I said feigning to speak roughly to her
»Hes at home sir« returned Peggotty »but hes bad abed with the
rheumatics«
»Dont he go over to Blunderstone now« I asked
»When hes well he do« she answered
»Do you ever go there Mrs Barkis«
She looked at me more attentively and I noticed a quick movement of her
hands towards each other
»Because I want to ask a question about a house there that they call the
what is it the Rookery« said I
She took a step backward and put out her hands in an undecided frightened
way as if to keep me off
»Peggotty« I cried to her
She cried »My darling boy« and we both burst into tears and were locked
in one another's arms
What extravagancies she committed what laughing and crying over me what
pride she showed what joy what sorrow that she whose pride and joy I might
have been could never hold me in a fond embrace I have not the heart to tell
I was troubled with no misgiving that it was young in me to respond to her
emotions I had never laughed and cried in all my life I dare say not even to
her more freely than I did that morning
»Barkis will be so glad« said Peggotty wiping her eyes with her apron
»that itll do him more good than pints of liniment May I go and tell him you
are here Will you come up and see him my dear«
Of course I would But Peggotty could not get out of the room as easily as
she meant to for as often as she got to the door and looked round at me she
came back again to have another laugh and another cry upon my shoulder At last
to make the matter easier I went upstairs with her and having waited outside
for a minute while she said a word of preparation to Mr Barkis presented
myself before that invalid
He received me with absolute enthusiasm He was too rheumatic to be shaken
hands with but he begged me to shake the tassel on the top of his nightcap
which I did most cordially When I sat down by the side of the bed he said that
it did him a world of good to feel as if he was driving me on the Blunderstone
road again As he lay in bed face upward and so covered with that exception
that he seemed to be nothing but a face like a conventional cherubim he
looked the queerest object I ever beheld
»What name was it as I wrote up in the cart sir« said Mr Barkis with a
slow rheumatic smile
»Ah Mr Barkis we had some grave talks about that matter hadnt we«
»I was willin a long time sir« said Mr Barkis
»A long time« said I
»And I dont regret it« said Mr Barkis »Do you remember what you told me
once about her making all the apple parsties and doing all the cooking«
»Yes very well« I returned
»It was as true« said Mr Barkis »as turnips is It was as true« said Mr
Barkis nodding his nightcap which was his only means of emphasis »as taxes
is And nothings truer than them«
Mr Barkis turned his eyes upon me as if for my assent to this result of
his reflections in bed and I gave it
»Nothings truer than them« repeated Mr Barkis »a man as poor as I am
finds that out in his mind when hes laid up Im a very poor man sir«
»I am sorry to hear it Mr Barkis«
»A very poor man indeed I am« said Mr Barkis
Here his right hand came slowly and feebly from under the bedclothes and
with a purposeless uncertain grasp took hold of a stick which was loosely tied
to the side of the bed After some poking about with this instrument in the
course of which his face assumed a variety of distracted expressions Mr Barkis
poked it against a box an end of which had been visible to me all the time
Then his face became composed
»Old clothes« said Mr Barkis
»Oh« said I
»I wish it was Money sir« said Mr Barkis
»I wish it was indeed« said I
»But it AINT« said Mr Barkis opening both his eyes as wide as he
possibly could
I expressed myself quite sure of that and Mr Barkis turning his eyes more
gently to his wife said
»Shes the usefullest and best of women C P Barkis All the praise that
any one can give to C P Barkis she deserves and more My dear youll get a
dinner today for company something good to eat and drink will you«
I should have protested against this unnecessary demonstration in my honour
but that I saw Peggotty on the opposite side of the bed extremely anxious I
should not So I held my peace
»I have got a trifle of money somewhere about me my dear« said Mr Barkis
»but Im a little tired If you and Mr David will leave me for a short nap
Ill try and find it when I wake«
We left the room in compliance with this request When we got outside the
door Peggotty informed me that Mr Barkis being now a little nearer than he
used to be always resorted to this same device before producing a single coin
from his store and that he endured unheardof agonies in crawling out of bed
alone and taking it from that unlucky box In effect we presently heard him
uttering suppressed groans of the most dismal nature as this magpie proceeding
racked him in every joint but while Peggottys eyes were full of compassion for
him she said his generous impulse would do him good and it was better not to
check it So he groaned on until he had got into bed again suffering I have
no doubt a martyrdom and then called us in pretending to have just woke up
from a refreshing sleep and to produce a guinea from under his pillow His
satisfaction in which happy imposition on us and in having preserved the
impenetrable secret of the box appeared to be a sufficient compensation to him
for all his tortures
I prepared Peggotty for Steerforths arrival and it was not long before he
came I am persuaded she knew no difference between his having been a personal
benefactor of hers and a kind friend to me and that she would have received him
with the utmost gratitude and devotion in any case But his easy spirited good
humour his genial manner his handsome looks his natural gift of adapting
himself to whomsoever he pleased and making direct when he cared to do it to
the main point of interest in anybodys heart bound her to him wholly in five
minutes His manner to me alone would have won her But through all these
causes combined I sincerely believe she had a kind of adoration for him before
he left the house that night
He stayed there with me to dinner if I were to say willingly I should not
half express how readily and gaily He went into Mr Barkiss room like light
and air brightening and refreshing it as if he were healthy weather There was
no noise no effort no consciousness, in anything he did but in everything an
indescribable lightness a seeming impossibility of doing anything else or
doing anything better which was so graceful so natural and agreeable that it
overcomes me even now in the remembrance
We made merry in the little parlour where the Book of Martyrs unthumbed
since my time was laid out upon the desk as of old and where I now turned over
its terrific pictures remembering the old sensations they had awakened but not
feeling them When Peggotty spoke of what she called my room and of its being
ready for me at night and of her hoping I would occupy it before I could so
much as look at Steerforth hesitating he was possessed of the whole case
»Of course« he said »Youll sleep here while we stay and I shall sleep
at the hotel«
»But to bring you so far« I returned »and to separate seems bad
companionship Steerforth«
»Why in the name of Heaven where do you naturally belong« he said »What
is seems compared to that« It was settled at once
He maintained all his delightful qualities to the last until we started
forth at eight oclock for Mr Peggottys boat Indeed they were more and
more brightly exhibited as the hours went on for I thought even then and I
have no doubt now that the consciousness of success in his determination to
please inspired him with a new delicacy of perception, and made it subtle as
it was more easy to him If any one had told me then that all this was a
brilliant game played for the excitement of the moment for the employment of
high spirits in the thoughtless love of superiority in a mere wasteful
careless course of winning what was worthless to him and next minute thrown
away I say if any one had told me such a lie that night I wonder in what
manner of receiving it my indignation would have found a vent
Probably only in an increase had that been possible of the romantic
feelings of fidelity and friendship with which I walked beside him over the
dark wintry sands towards the old boat the wind sighing around us even more
mournfully than it had sighed and moaned upon the night when I first darkened
Mr Peggottys door
»This is a wild kind of place Steerforth is it not«
»Dismal enough in the dark« he said »and the sea roars as if it were
hungry for us Is that the boat where I see a light yonder«
»Thats the boat« said I
»And its the same I saw this morning« he returned »I came straight to it
by instinct I suppose«
We said no more as we approached the light but made softly for the door I
laid my hand upon the latch and whispering Steerforth to keep close to me went
in
A murmur of voices had been audible on the outside and at the moment of
our entrance a clapping of hands which latter noise I was surprised to see
proceeded from the generally disconsolate Mrs Gummidge But Mrs Gummidge was
not the only person there who was unusually excited Mr Peggotty his face
lighted up with uncommon satisfaction and laughing with all his might held his
rough arms wide open as if for little Emly to run into them Ham with a mixed
expression in his face of admiration exultation and a lumbering sort of
bashfulness that sat upon him very well held little Emly by the hand as if he
were presenting her to Mr Peggotty little Emly herself blushing and shy but
delighted with Mr Peggottys delight as her joyous eyes expressed was stopped
by our entrance for she saw us first in the very act of springing from Ham to
nestle in Mr Peggottys embrace In the first glimpse we had of them all and
at the moment of our passing from the dark cold night into the warm light room
this was the way in which they were all employed Mrs Gummidge in the
background clapping her hands like a madwoman
The little picture was so instantaneously dissolved by our going in that
one might have doubted whether it had ever been I was in the midst of the
astonished family face to face with Mr Peggotty and holding out my hand to
him when Ham shouted
»Masr Davy Its Masr Davy«
In a moment we were all shaking hands with one another, and asking one
another how we did and telling one another how glad we were to meet and all
talking at once Mr Peggotty was so proud and overjoyed to see us that he did
not know what to say or do but kept over and over again shaking hands with me
and then with Steerforth and then with me and then ruffling his shaggy hair
all over his head and laughing with such glee and triumph that it was a treat
to see him
»Why that you two gentlmen gentlmen growed should come to this here
roof tonight of all nights in my life« said Mr Peggotty »is such a thing as
never happened afore I do rightly believe Emly my darling come here Come
here my little witch Theres Masr Davys friend my dear Theres the
gentlman as youve heerd on Emly He comes to see you along with Masr Davy
on the brightest night of your uncles life as ever was or will be Gorm the
tother one and horroar for it«
After delivering this speech all in a breath and with extraordinary
animation and pleasure Mr Peggotty put one of his large hands rapturously on
each side of his nieces face and kissing it a dozen times laid it with a
gentle pride and love upon his broad chest and patted it as if his hand had
been a ladys Then he let her go and as she ran into the little chamber where
I used to sleep looked round upon us quite hot and out of breath with his
uncommon satisfaction
»If you two gentlmen gentlmen growed now and such gentlmen « said Mr
Peggotty
»So th are so th are« cried Ham »Well said So th are Masr Davy bor
gentlmen growed so th are«
»If you two gentlmen gentlmen growed« said Mr Peggotty »dont excuse
me for being in a state of mind when you understand matters Ill arks your
pardon Emly my dear She knows Im a going to tell« here his delight broke
out again »and has made off Would you be so good as look arter her Mawther
for a minute«
Mrs Gummidge nodded and disappeared
»If this aint« said Mr Peggotty sitting down among us by the fire »the
brightest night o my life Im a shellfish biled too and more I cant say
This here little Emly sir« in a low voice to Steerforth » her as you see a
blushing here just now «
Steerforth only nodded but with such a pleased expression of interest and
of participation in Mr Peggottys feelings that the latter answered him as if
he had spoken
»To be sure« said Mr Peggotty »Thats her and so she is Thankee sir«
Ham nodded to me several times as if he would have said so too
»This here little Emly of ours« said Mr Peggotty »has been in our
house what I suppose Im a ignorant man but thats my belief no one but a
little brighteyed creetur can be in a house She aint my child I never had
one but I couldnt love her more You understand I couldnt do it«
»I quite understand« said Steerforth
»I know you do sir« returned Mr Peggotty »and thankee again Masr Davy
he can remember what she was you may judge for your own self what she is but
neither of you cant fully know what she has been is and will be to my loving
art I am rough sir« said Mr Peggotty »I am as rough as a Sea Porkypine but
no one unless mayhap it is a woman can know I think what our little Emly
is to me And betwixt ourselves« sinking his voice lower yet »that womans
name aint Missis Gummidge neither though she has world of merits«
Mr Peggotty ruffled his hair again with both hands as a further
preparation for what he was going to say and went on with a hand upon each of
his knees
»There was a certain person as had knowd our Emly from the time when her
father was drownded as had seen her constant when a babby when a young gal
when a woman Not much of a person to look at he warnt« said Mr Peggotty
»something o my own build rough a good deal o the souwester in him
wery salt but on the whole a honest sort of a chap with his art in the
right place«
I thought I had never seen Ham grin to anything like the extent to which he
sat grinning at us now
»What does this here blessed tarpaulin go and do« said Mr Peggotty with
his face one high noon of enjoyment »but he loses that there art of his to our
little Emly He follers her about he makes hisself a sort o sarvant to her
he loses in a great measure his relish for his wittles and in the longrun he
makes it clear to me wots amiss Now I could wish myself you see that our
little Emly was in a fair way of being married I could wish to see her at all
ewents under articles to a honest man as had a right to defend her I dont
know how long I may live or how soon I may die but I know that if I was
capsized any night in a gale of wind in Yarmouth Roads here and was to see
the townlights shining for the last time over the rollers as I couldnt make no
head against I could go down quieter for thinking Theres a man ashore there
irontrue to my little Emly God bless her and no wrong can touch my Emly
while so be as that man lives«
Mr Peggotty in simple earnestness waved his right arm as if he were
waving it at the townlights for the last time and then exchanging a nod with
Ham whose eye he caught proceeded as before
»Well I counsels him to speak to Emly Hes big enough but hes
bashfuller than a little un and he dont like So I speak What Him says
Emly Him that Ive knowd so intimate so many years and like so much Oh
Uncle I never can have him Hes such a good fellow I gives her a kiss and I
says no more to her than My dear youre right to speak out youre to choose
for yourself youre as free as a little bird Then I aways to him and I says
I wish it could have been so but it cant But you can both be as you was and
wot I say to you is Be as you was with her like a man He says to me a
shaking of my hand I will he says And he was honourable and manful for
two year going on and we was just the same at home here as afore«
Mr Peggottys face which had varied in its expression with the various
stages of his narrative now resumed all its former triumphant delight as he
laid a hand upon my knee and a hand upon Steerforths previously wetting them
both for the greater emphasis of the action and divided the following speech
between us
»All of a sudden one evening as it might be tonight comes little Emly
from her work and him with her There aint so much in that youll say No
because he takes care on her like a brother arter dark and indeed afore dark
and at all times But this tarpaulin chap he takes hold of her hand and he
cries out to me joyful Look here This is to be my little wife And she says
half bold and half shy and half a laughing and half a crying Yes Uncle If
you please If I please« cried Mr Peggotty rolling his head in an ecstasy
at the idea »Lord as if I should do anythink else If you please I am
steadier now and I have thought better of it and Ill be as good a little wife
as I can to him for hes a dear good fellow Then Missis Gummidge she claps
her hands like a play and you come in Theer the murders out« said Mr
Peggotty »You come in It took place this here present hour and heres the
man thatll marry her the minute shes out of her time«
Ham staggered as well he might under the blow Mr Peggotty dealt him in
his unbounded joy as a mark of confidence and friendship but feeling called
upon to say something to us he said with much faltering and great difficulty
»She warnt no higher than you was Masr Davy when you first come when
I thought what shed grow up to be I see her grow up gentlmen like a
flower Id lay down my life for her Masr Davy Oh most content and
cheerful Shes more to me gentlmen than shes all to me that ever I can
want and more than ever I than ever I could say I I love her true There
aint a gentlman in all the land nor yet sailing upon all the sea that can
love his lady more than I love her though theres many a common man would say
better what he meant«
I thought it affecting to see such a sturdy fellow as Ham was now trembling
in the strength of what he felt for the pretty little creature who had won his
heart I thought the simple confidence reposed in us by Mr Peggotty and by
himself was in itself, affecting I was affected by the story altogether How
far my emotions were influenced by the recollections of my childhood I dont
know Whether I had come there with any lingering fancy that I was still to love
little Emly I dont know I know that I was filled with pleasure by all this
but at first with an indescribably sensitive pleasure that a very little
would have changed to pain
Therefore if it had depended upon me to touch the prevailing chord among
them with any skill I should have made a poor hand of it But it depended upon
Steerforth and he did it with such address that in a few minutes we were all
as easy and as happy as it was possible to be
»Mr Peggotty« he said »you are a thoroughly good fellow and deserve to
be as happy as you are tonight My hand upon it Ham I give you joy my boy
My hand upon that too Daisy stir the fire and make it a brisk one and Mr
Peggotty unless you can induce your gentle niece to come back for whom I
vacate this seat in the corner I shall go Any gap at your fireside on such a
night such a gap least of all I wouldnt make for the wealth of the
Indies«
So Mr Peggotty went into my old room to fetch little Emly At first
little Emly didnt like to come and then Ham went Presently they brought her
to the fireside very much confused and very shy but she soon became more
assured when she found how gently and respectfully Steerforth spoke to her how
skilfully he avoided anything that would embarrass her how he talked to Mr
Peggotty of boats and ships and tides and fish how he referred to me about
the time when he had seen Mr Peggotty at Salem House how delighted he was with
the boat and all belonging to it how lightly and easily he carried on until he
brought us by degrees into a charmed circle and we were all talking away
without any reserve
Emly indeed said little all the evening but she looked and listened
and her face got animated and she was charming Steerforth told a story of a
dismal shipwreck which arose out of his talk with Mr Peggotty as if he saw
it all before him and little Emlys eyes were fastened on him all the time
as if she saw it too He told us a merry adventure of his own as a relief to
that with as much gaiety as if the narrative were as fresh to him as it was to
us and little Emly laughed until the boat rang with the musical sounds and
we all laughed Steerforth too in irresistible sympathy with what was so
pleasant and lighthearted He got Mr Peggotty to sing or rather to roar
»When the stormy winds do blow do blow do blow« and he sang a sailors song
himself so pathetically and beautifully that I could have almost fancied that
the real wind creeping sorrowfully round the house and murmuring low through
our unbroken silence was there to listen
As to Mrs Gummidge he roused that victim of despondency with a success
never attained by any one else so Mr Peggotty informed me since the decease
of the old one He left her so little leisure for being miserable that she said
next day she thought she must have been bewitched
But he set up no monopoly of the general attention or the conversation
When little Emly grew more courageous and talked but still bashfully across
the fire to me of our old wanderings upon the beach to pick up shells and
pebbles and when I asked her if she recollected how I used to be devoted to
her and when we both laughed and reddened casting these looks back on the
pleasant old times so unreal to look at now he was silent and attentive and
observed us thoughtfully She sat at this time and all the evening on the old
locker in her old little corner by the fire with Ham beside her where I used
to sit I could not satisfy myself whether it was in her own little tormenting
way or in a maidenly reserve before us that she kept quite close to the wall
and away from him but I observed that she did so all the evening
As I remember it was almost midnight when we took our leave We had had
some biscuit and dried fish for supper and Steerforth had produced from his
pocket a full flask of Hollands which we men I may say we men now without a
blush had emptied We parted merrily and as they all stood crowded round the
door to light us as far as they could upon our road I saw the sweet blue eyes
of little Emly peeping after us from behind Ham and heard her soft voice
calling to us to be careful how we went
»A most engaging little Beauty« said Steerforth taking my arm »Well Its
a quaint place and they are quaint company and its quite a new sensation to
mix with them«
»How fortunate we are too« I returned »to have arrived to witness their
happiness in that intended marriage I never saw people so happy How delightful
to see it and to be made the sharers in their honest joy as we have been«
»Thats rather a chuckleheaded fellow for the girl isnt he« said
Steerforth
He had been so hearty with him and with them all that I felt a shock in
this unexpected and cold reply But turning quickly upon him and seeing a laugh
in his eyes I answered much relieved
»Ah Steerforth Its well for you to joke about the poor You may skirmish
with Miss Dartle or try to hide your sympathies in jest from me but I know
better When I see how perfectly you understand them how exquisitely you can
enter into happiness like this plain fishermans or humour a love like my old
nurses I know that there is not a joy or sorrow not an emotion of such
people that can be indifferent to you And I admire and love you for it
Steerforth twenty times the more«
He stopped and looking in my face said »Daisy I believe you are in
earnest and are good I wish we all were« Next moment he was gaily singing Mr
Peggottys song as we walked at a round pace back to Yarmouth
Chapter XXII
Some Old Scenes and Some New People
Steerforth and I stayed for more than a fortnight in that part of the country
We were very much together I need not say but occasionally we were asunder for
some hours at a time He was a good sailor and I was but an indifferent one
and when he went out boating with Mr Peggotty which was a favourite amusement
of his I generally remained ashore My occupation of Peggottys spareroom put
a constraint upon me from which he was free for knowing how assiduously she
attended on Mr Barkis all day I did not like to remain out late at night
whereas Steerforth lying at the Inn had nothing to consult but his own humour
Thus it came about that I heard of his making little treats for the fishermen
at Mr Peggottys house of call The Willing Mind after I was in bed and of
his being afloat wrapped in fishermens clothes whole moonlight nights and
coming back when the morning tide was at flood By this time however I knew
that his restless nature and bold spirits delighted to find a vent in rough toil
and hard weather as in any other means of excitement that presented itself
freshly to him so none of his proceedings surprised me
Another cause of our being sometimes apart was that I had naturally an
interest in going over to Blunderstone and revisiting the old familiar scenes
of my childhood while Steerforth after being there once had naturally no
great interest in going there again Hence on three or four days that I can at
once recall we went our several ways after an early breakfast and met again at
a late dinner I had no idea how he employed his time in the interval beyond a
general knowledge that he was very popular in the place and had twenty means of
actively diverting himself where another man might not have found one
For my own part my occupation in my solitary pilgrimages was to recall
every yard of the old road as I went along it and to haunt the old spots of
which I never tired I haunted them as my memory had often done and lingered
among them as my younger thoughts had lingered when I was far away The grave
beneath the tree where both my parents lay on which I had looked out when it
was my fathers only with such curious feelings of compassion and by which I
had stood so desolate when it was opened to receive my pretty mother and her
baby the grave which Peggottys own faithful care had ever since kept neat
and made a garden of I walked near by the hour It lay a little off the
churchyard path in a quiet corner not so far removed but I could read the
names upon the stone as I walked to and fro startled by the sound of the
churchbell when it struck the hour for it was like a departed voice to me My
reflections at these times were always associated with the figure I was to make
in life and the distinguished things I was to do My echoing footsteps went to
no other tune but were as constant to that as if I had come home to build my
castles in the air at a living mothers side
There were great changes in my old home The ragged nests so long deserted
by the rooks were gone and the trees were lopped and topped out of their
remembered shapes The garden had run wild and half the windows of the house
were shut up It was occupied but only by a poor lunatic gentleman and the
people who took care of him He was always sitting at my little window looking
out into the churchyard and I wondered whether his rambling thoughts ever went
upon any of the fancies that used to occupy mine on the rosy mornings when I
peeped out of that same little window in my nightclothes and saw the sheep
quietly feeding in the light of the rising sun
Our old neighbours Mr and Mrs Grayper were gone to South America and
the rain had made its way through the roof of their empty house and stained the
outer walls Mr Chillip was married again to a tall rawboned highnosed
wife and they had a weazen little baby with a heavy head that it couldnt hold
up and two weak staring eyes with which it seemed to be always wondering why
it had ever been born
It was with a singular jumble of sadness and pleasure that I used to linger
about my native place until the reddening winter sun admonished me that it was
time to start on my returning walk But when the place was left behind and
especially when Steerforth and I were happily seated over our dinner by a
blazing fire it was delicious to think of having been there So it was though
in a softened degree when I went to my neat room at night and turning over
the leaves of the crocodilebook which was always there upon a little table
remembered with a grateful heart how blest I was in having such a friend as
Steerforth such a friend as Peggotty and such a substitute for what I had lost
as my excellent and generous aunt
My nearest way to Yarmouth in coming back from these long walks was by a
ferry It landed me on the flat between the town and the sea which I could make
straight across and so save myself a considerable circuit by the high road Mr
Peggottys house being on that wasteplace and not a hundred yards out of my
tract I always looked in as I went by Steerforth was pretty sure to be there
expecting me and we went on together through the frosty air and gathering fog
towards the twinkling lights of the town
One dark evening when I was later than usual for I had that day been
making my parting visit to Blunderstone as we were now about to return home I
found him alone in Mr Peggottys house sitting thoughtfully before the fire
He was so intent upon his own reflections that he was quite unconscious of my
approach This indeed he might easily have been if he had been less absorbed
for footsteps fell noiselessly on the sandy ground outside but even my entrance
failed to rouse him I was standing close to him looking at him and still
with a heavy brow he was lost in his meditations
He gave such a start when I put my hand upon his shoulder that he made me
start too
»You come upon me« he said almost angrily »like a reproachful ghost«
»I was obliged to announce myself somehow« I replied »Have I called you
down from the stars«
»No« he answered »No«
»Up from anywhere then« said I taking my seat near him
»I was looking at the pictures in the fire« he returned
»But you are spoiling them for me« said I as he stirred it quickly with a
piece of burning wood striking out of it a train of redhot sparks that went
careering up the little chimney and roaring out into the air
»You would not have seen them« he returned »I detest this mongrel time
neither day nor night How late you are Where have you been«
»I have been taking leave of my usual walk« said I
»And I have been sitting here« said Steerforth glancing round the room
»thinking that all the people we found so glad on the night of our coming down
might to judge from the present wasted air of the place be dispersed or
dead or come to I dont know what harm David I wish to God I had had a
judicious father these last twenty years«
»My dear Steerforth what is the matter«
»I wish with all my soul I had been better guided« he exclaimed »I wish
with all my soul I could guide myself better«
There was a passionate dejection in his manner that quite amazed me He was
more unlike himself than I could have supposed possible
»It would be better to be this poor Peggotty or his lout of a nephew« he
said getting up and leaning moodily against the chimneypiece with his face
towards the fire »than to be myself twenty times richer and twenty times
wiser and be the torment to myself that I have been in this Devils bark of a
boat within the last halfhour«
I was so confounded by the alteration in him that at first I could only
observe him in silence as he stood leaning his head upon his hand and looking
gloomily down at the fire At length I begged him with all the earnestness I
felt to tell me what had occurred to cross him so unusually and to let me
sympathise with him if I could not hope to advise him Before I had well
concluded he began to laugh fretfully at first but soon with returning
gaiety
»Tut its nothing Daisy nothing« he replied »I told you at the inn in
London I am heavy company for myself sometimes I have been a nightmare to
myself just now must have had one I think At odd dull times nursery tales
come up into the memory unrecognised for what they are I believe I have been
confounding myself with the bad boy who didnt care and became food for lions
a grander kind of going to the dogs I suppose What old women call the horrors
have been creeping over me from head to foot I have been afraid of myself«
»You are afraid of nothing else I think« said I
»Perhaps not and yet may have enough to be afraid of too« he answered
»Well So it goes by I am not about to be hipped again David but I tell you
my good fellow once more that it would have been well for me and for more
than me if I had had a steadfast and judicious father«
His face was always full of expression but I never saw it express such a
dark kind of earnestness as when he said these words with his glance bent on
the fire
»So much for that« he said making as if he tossed something light into the
air with his hand
»Why being gone I am a man again
like Macbeth And now for dinner If I have not Macbethlike broken up the
feast with most admired disorder Daisy«
»But where are they all I wonder« said I
»God knows« said Steerforth »After strolling to the ferry looking for you
I strolled in here and found the place deserted That set me thinking and you
found me thinking«
The advent of Mrs Gummidge with a basket explained how the house had
happened to be empty She had hurried out to buy something that was needed
against Mr Peggottys return with the tide and had left the door open in the
meanwhile lest Ham and little Emly with whom it was an early night should
come home while she was gone Steerforth after very much improving Mrs
Gummidges spirits by a cheerful salutation and a jocose embrace took my arm
and hurried me away
He had improved his own spirits no less than Mrs Gummidges for they were
again at their usual flow and he was full of vivacious conversation as we went
along
»And so« he said gaily »we abandon this buccaneer life tomorrow do we«
»So we agreed« I returned »And our places by the coach are taken you
know«
»Ay theres no help for it I suppose« said Steerforth »I have almost
forgotten that there is anything to do in the world but to go out tossing on the
sea here I wish there was not«
»As long as the novelty should last« said I laughing
»Like enough« he returned »though theres a sarcastic meaning in that
observation for an amiable piece of innocence like my young friend Well I dare
say I am a capricious fellow David I know I am but while the iron is hot I
can strike it vigorously too I could pass a reasonably good examination
already as a pilot in these waters I think«
»Mr Peggotty says you are a wonder« I returned
»A nautical phenomenon eh« laughed Steerforth
»Indeed he does and you know how truly knowing how ardent you are in any
pursuit you follow and how easily you can master it And that amazes me most in
you Steerforth that you should be contented with such fitful uses of your
powers«
»Contented« he answered merrily »I am never contented except with your
freshness my gentle Daisy As to fitfulness I have never learnt the art of
binding myself to any of the wheels on which the Ixions of these days are
turning round and round I missed it somehow in a bad apprenticeship and now
dont care about it You know I have bought a boat down here«
»What an extraordinary fellow you are Steerforth« I exclaimed stopping
for this was the first I had heard of it »When you may never care to come near
the place again«
»I dont know that« he returned »I have taken a fancy to the place At all
events« walking me briskly on »I have bought a boat that was for sale a
clipper Mr Peggotty says and so she is and Mr Peggotty will be master of
her in my absence«
»Now I understand you Steerforth« said I exultingly »You pretend to have
bought it for yourself but you have really done so to confer a benefit on him
I might have known as much at first knowing you My dear kind Steerforth how
can I tell you what I think of your generosity«
»Tush« he answered turning red »The less said the better«
»Didnt I know« cried I »didnt I say that there was not a joy or sorrow
or any emotion of such honest hearts that was indifferent to you«
»Aye aye« he answered »you told me all that There let it rest We have
said enough«
Afraid of offending him by pursuing the subject when he made so light of it
I only pursued it in my thoughts as we went on at even a quicker pace than
before
»She must be newly rigged« said Steerforth »and I shall leave Littimer
behind to see it done that I may know she is quite complete Did I tell you
Littimer had come down«
»No«
»Oh yes came down this morning with a letter from my mother«
As our looks met I observed that he was pale even to his lips though he
looked very steadily at me I feared that some difference between him and his
mother might have led to his being in the frame of mind in which I had found him
at the solitary fireside I hinted so
»Oh no« he said shaking his head and giving a slight laugh »Nothing of
the sort Yes He is come down that man of mine«
»The same as ever« said I
»The same as ever« said Steerforth »Distant and quiet as the North Pole
He shall see to the boat being fresh named Shes the Stormy Petrel now What
does Mr Peggotty care for Stormy Petrels Ill have her christened again«
»By what name« I asked
»The Little Emly«
As he had continued to look steadily at me I took it as a reminder that he
objected to being extolled for his consideration I could not help showing in my
face how much it pleased me but I said little and he resumed his usual smile
and seemed relieved
»But see here« he said looking before us »where the original little Emly
comes And that fellow with her eh Upon my soul hes a true knight He never
leaves her«
Ham was a boatbuilder in these days having improved a natural ingenuity in
that handicraft until he had become a skilled workman He was in his
workingdress and looked rugged enough but manly withal and a very fit
protector for the blooming little creature at his side Indeed there was a
frankness in his face an honesty and an undisguised show of his pride in her
and his love for her which were to me the best of good looks I thought as
they came towards us that they were well matched even in that particular
She withdrew her hand timidly from his arm as we stopped to speak to them
and blushed as she gave it to Steerforth and to me When they passed on after
we had exchanged a few words she did not like to replace that hand but still
appearing timid and constrained walked by herself I thought all this very
pretty and engaging and Steerforth seemed to think so too as we looked after
them fading away in the light of a young moon
Suddenly there passed us evidently following them a young woman whose
approach we had not observed but whose face I saw as she went by and thought I
had a faint remembrance of She was lightly dressed looked bold and haggard
and flaunting and poor but seemed for the time to have given all that to the
wind which was blowing and to have nothing in her mind but going after them As
the dark distant level absorbing their figures into itself, left but itself
visible between us and the sea and clouds her figure disappeared in like
manner still no nearer to them than before
»That is a black shadow to be following the girl« said Steerforth standing
still »what does it mean«
He spoke in a low voice that sounded almost strange to me
»She must have it in her mind to beg of them I think« said I
»A beggar would be no novelty« said Steerforth »but it is a strange thing
that the beggar should take that shape tonight«
»Why« I asked him
»For no better reason truly than because I was thinking« he said after a
pause »of something like it when it came by Where the Devil did it come from
I wonder«
»From the shadow of this wall I think« said I as we emerged upon a road
on which a wall abutted
»Its gone« he returned looking over his shoulder »And all ill go with
it Now for our dinner«
But he looked again over his shoulder towards the sealine glimmering afar
off and yet again And he wondered about it in some broken expressions
several times in the short remainder of our walk and only seemed to forget it
when the light of fire and candle shone upon us seated warm and merry at
table
Littimer was there and had his usual effect upon me When I said to him
that I hoped Mrs Steerforth and Miss Dartle were well he answered respectfully
and of course respectably that they were tolerably well he thanked me and
had sent their compliments This was all and yet he seemed to me to say as
plainly as a man could say »You are very young sir you are exceedingly
young«
We had almost finished dinner when taking a step or two towards the table
from the corner where he kept watch upon us or rather upon me as I felt he
said to his master
»I beg your pardon sir Miss Mowcher is down here«
»Who« cried Steerforth much astonished
»Miss Mowcher sir«
»Why what on earth does she do here« said Steerforth
»It appears to be her native part of the country sir She informs me that
she makes one of her professional visits here every year sir I met her in the
street this afternoon and she wished to know if she might have the honour of
waiting on you after dinner sir«
»Do you know the Giantess in question Daisy« inquired Steerforth
I was obliged to confess I felt ashamed even of being at this
disadvantage before Littimer that Miss Mowcher and I were wholly unacquainted
»Then you shall know her« said Steerforth »for she is one of the seven
wonders of the world When Miss Mowcher comes show her in«
I felt some curiosity and excitement about this lady especially as
Steerforth burst into a fit of laughing when I referred to her and positively
refused to answer any question of which I made her the subject I remained
therefore in a state of considerable expectation until the cloth had been
removed some half an hour and we were sitting over our decanter of wine before
the fire when the door opened and Littimer with his habitual serenity quite
undisturbed announced
»Miss Mowcher«
I looked at the doorway and saw nothing I was still looking at the doorway
thinking that Miss Mowcher was a long while making her appearance when to my
infinite astonishment there came waddling round a sofa which stood between me
and it a pursy dwarf of about forty of fortyfive with a very large head and
face a pair of roguish grey eyes and such extremely little arms that to
enable herself to lay a finger archly against her snub nose as she ogled
Steerforth she was obliged to meet the finger halfway and lay her nose
against it Her chin which was what is called a doublechin was so fat that it
entirely swallowed up the strings of her bonnet bow and all Throat she had
none waist she had none legs she had none worth mentioning for though she
was more than fullsized down to where her waist would have been if she had had
any and though she terminated as human beings generally do in a pair of feet
she was so short that she stood at a commonsized chair as at a table resting a
bag she carried on the seat This lady dressed in an offhand easy style
bringing her nose and her forefinger together with the difficulty I have
described standing with her head necessarily on one side and with one of her
sharp eyes shut up making an uncommonly knowing face after ogling Steerforth
for a few moments broke into a torrent of words
»What My flower« she pleasantly began shaking her large head at him
»Youre there are you Oh you naughty boy fie for shame what do you do so
far away from home Up to mischief Ill be bound Oh youre a downy fellow
Steerforth so you are and Im another aint I Ha ha ha Youd have betted
a hundred pound to five now that you wouldnt have seen me here wouldnt you
Bless you man alive Im everywhere Im here and there and where not like
the conjurers halfcrown in the ladys hankercher Talking of hankerchers and
talking of ladies what a comfort you are to your blessed mother aint you my
dear boy over one of my shoulders and I dont say which«
Miss Mowcher untied her bonnet at this passage of her discourse threw back
the strings and sat down panting on a footstool in front of the fire making
a kind of arbour of the diningtable which spread its mahogany shelter above
her head
»Oh my stars and whatstheirnames« she went on clapping a hand on each
of her little knees and glancing shrewdly at me »Im of too full a habit
thats the fact Steerforth After a flight of stairs it gives me as much
trouble to draw every breath I want as if it was a bucket of water If you saw
me looking out of an upper window youd think I was a fine woman wouldnt
you«
»I should think that wherever I saw you« replied Steerforth
»Go along you dog do« cried the little creature making a whisk at him
with the handkerchief with which she was wiping her face »and dont be
impudent But I give you my word and honour I was at Lady Mitherss last week
theres a woman How she wears and Mithers himself came into the room where I
was waiting for her theres a man How he wears and his wig too for hes had
it these ten years and he went on at that rate in the complimentary line that
I began to think I should be obliged to ring the bell Ha ha ha Hes a
pleasant wretch but he wants principle«
»What were you doing for Lady Mithers« asked Steerforth
»Thats tellings my blessed infant« she retorted tapping her nose again
screwing up her face and twinkling her eyes like an imp of supernatural
intelligence »Never you mind Youd like to know whether I stop her hair from
falling off or dye it or touch up her complexion or improve her eyebrows
wouldnt you And so you shall my darling when I tell you Do you know what
my great grandfathers name was«
»No« said Steerforth
»It was Walker my sweet pet« replied Miss Mowcher »and he came of a long
line of Walkers that I inherit all the Hookey estates from«
I never beheld anything approaching to Miss Mowchers wink except Miss
Mowchers selfpossession She had a wonderful way too when listening to what
was said to her or when waiting for an answer to what she had said herself of
pausing with her head cunningly on one side and one eye turned up like a
magpies Altogether I was lost in amazement and sat staring at her quite
oblivious I am afraid of the laws of politeness
She had by this time drawn the chair to her side and was busily engaged in
producing from the bag plunging in her short arm to the shoulder at every
dive a number of small bottles sponges combs brushes bits of flannel
little pairs of curlingirons and other instruments which she tumbled in a
heap upon the chair From this employment she suddenly desisted and said to
Steerforth much to my confusion
»Whos your friend«
»Mr Copperfield« said Steerforth »he wants to know you«
»Well then he shall I thought he looked as if he did« returned Miss
Mowcher waddling up to me bag in hand and laughing on me as she came »Face
like a peach« standing on tiptoe to pinch my cheek as I sat »Quite tempting
Im very fond of peaches Happy to make your acquaintance Mr Copperfield Im
sure«
I said that I congratulated myself on having the honour to make hers and
that the happiness was mutual
»Oh my goodness how polite we are« exclaimed Miss Mowcher making a
preposterous attempt to cover her large face with her morsel of a hand »What a
world of gammon and spinnage it is though aint it«
This was addressed confidentially to both of us as the morsel of a hand
came away from the face and buried itself arm and all in the bag again
»What do you mean Miss Mowcher« said Steerforth
»Ha ha ha What a refreshing set of humbugs we are to be sure aint we
my sweet child« replied that morsel of a woman feeling in the bag with her
head on one side and her eye in the air »Look here« taking something out
»Scraps of the Russian Princes nails Prince Alphabet turned topsyturvy I
call him for his names got all the letters in it higgledypiggledy«
»The Russian Prince is a client of yours is he« said Steerforth
»I believe you my pet« replied Miss Mowcher »I keep his nails in order
for him Twice a week Fingers and toes«
»He pays well I hope« said Steerforth
»Pays as he speaks my dear child through the nose« replied Miss Mowcher
»None of your close shavers the Prince aint Youd say so if you saw his
moustachios Red by nature black by art«
»By your art of course« said Steerforth
Miss Mowcher winked assent »Forced to send for me Couldnt help it The
climate affected his dye it did very well in Russia but it was no go here You
never saw such a rusty Prince in all your born days as he was Like old iron«
»Is that why you called him a humbug just now« inquired Steerforth
»Oh youre a broth of a boy aint you« returned Miss Mowcher shaking her
head violently »I said what a set of humbugs we were in general and I showed
you the scraps of the Princes nails to prove it The Princes nails do more for
me in private families of the genteel sort than all my talents put together I
always carry em about Theyre the best introduction If Miss Mowcher cuts the
Princes nails she must be all right I give em away to the young ladies They
put em in albums I believe Ha ha ha Upon my life the whole social system
as the men call it when they make speeches in Parliament is a system of
Princes nails« said this least of women trying to fold her short arms and
nodding her large head
Steerforth laughed heartily and I laughed too Miss Mowcher continuing all
the time to shake her head which was very much on one side and to look into
the air with one eye and to wink with the other
»Well well« she said smiting her small knees and rising »this is not
business Come Steerforth lets explore the polar regions and have it over«
She then selected two or three of the little instruments and a little
bottle and asked to my surprise if the table would bear On Steerforths
replying in the affirmative she pushed a chair against it and begging the
assistance of my hand mounted up pretty nimbly to the top as if it were a
stage
»If either of you saw my ankles« she said when she was safely elevated
»say so and Ill go home and destroy myself«
»I did not« said Steerforth
»I did not« said I
»Well then« cried Miss Mowcher »Ill consent to live Now ducky ducky
ducky come to Mrs Bond and be killed«
This was an invocation to Steerforth to place himself under her hands who
accordingly sat himself down with his back to the table and his laughing face
towards me and submitted his head to her inspection evidently for no other
purpose than our entertainment To see Miss Mowcher standing over him looking
at his rich profusion of brown hair through a large round magnifying glass
which she took out of her pocket was a most amazing spectacle
»Youre a pretty fellow« said Miss Mowcher after a brief inspection
»Youd be as bald as a friar on the top of your head in twelve months but for
me Just halfaminute my young friend and well give you a polishing that
shall keep your curls on for the next ten years«
With this she tilted some of the contents of the little bottle on to one of
the little bits of flannel and again imparting some of the virtues of that
preparation to one of the little brushes began rubbing and scraping away with
both on the crown of Steerforths head in the busiest manner I ever witnessed
talking all the time
»Theres Charley Pyegrave the dukes son« she said »You know Charley«
peeping round into his face
»A little« said Steerforth
»What a man he is Theres a whisker As to Charleys legs if they were
only a pair which they aint theyd defy competition Would you believe he
tried to do without me in the LifeGuards too«
»Mad« said Steerforth
»It looks like it However mad or sane he tried« returned Miss Mowcher
»What does he do but lo and behold you he goes into a perfumers shop and
wants to buy a bottle of the Madagascar Liquid«
»Charley does« said Steerforth
»Charley does But they havent got any of the Madagascar Liquid«
»What is it Something to drink« asked Steerforth
»To drink« returned Miss Mowcher stopping to slap his cheek »To doctor
his own moustachios with you know There was a woman in the shop elderly
female quite a Griffin who had never even heard of it by name Begging
pardon sir said the Griffin to Charley its not not not ROUGE is it
Rouge said Charley to the Griffin What the unmentionable to ears polite do
you think I want with rouge No offence sir said the Griffin we have it asked
for by so many names I thought it might be Now that my child« continued Miss
Mowcher rubbing all the time as busily as ever »is another instance of the
refreshing humbug I was speaking of I do something in that way myself perhaps
a good deal perhaps a little sharps the word my dear boy never mind«
»In what way do you mean In the rouge way« said Steerforth
»Put this and that together my tender pupil« returned the wary Mowcher
touching her nose »work it by the rule of Secrets in all trades and the
product will give you the desired result I say I do a little in that way
myself One Dowager she calls it lipsalve Another she calls it gloves
Another she calls it tuckeredging Another she calls it a fan I call it
whatever they call it I supply it for em but we keep up the trick so to one
another, and make believe with such a face that theyd as soon think of laying
it on before a whole drawingroom as before me And when I wait upon em
theyll say to me sometimes with it on thick and no mistake How am I
looking Mowcher Am I pale Ha ha ha ha Isnt that refreshing my young
friend«
I never did in my days behold anything like Mowcher as she stood upon the
diningtable intensely enjoying this refreshment rubbing busily at
Steerforths head and winking at me over it
»Ah« she said »Such things are not much in demand hereabouts That sets me
off again I havent seen a pretty woman since Ive been here Jemmy«
»No« said Steerforth
»Not the ghost of one« replied Miss Mowcher
»We could show her the substance of one I think« said Steerforth
addressing his eyes to mine »Eh Daisy«
»Yes indeed« said I
»Aha« cried the little creature glancing sharply at my face and then
peeping round at Steerforths »Umph«
The first exclamation sounded like a question put to both of us and the
second like a question put to Steerforth only She seemed to have found no
answer to either but continued to rub with her head on one side and her eye
turned up as if she were looking for an answer in the air and were confident of
its appearing presently
»A sister of yours Mr Copperfield« she cried after a pause and still
keeping the same lookout »Aye aye«
»No« said Steerforth before I could reply »Nothing of the sort On the
contrary Mr Copperfield used or I am much mistaken to have a great
admiration for her«
»Why hasnt he now« returned Miss Mowcher »Is he fickle oh for shame
Did he sip every flower and change every hour until Polly his passion
requited Is her name Polly«
The Elfin suddenness with which she pounced upon me with this question and
a searching look quite disconcerted me for a moment
»No Miss Mowcher« I replied »Her name is Emily«
»Aha« she cried exactly as before »Umph What a rattle I am Mr
Copperfield aint I volatile«
Her tone and look implied something that was not agreeable to me in
connexion with the subject So I said in a graver manner than any of us had yet
assumed
»She is as virtuous as she is pretty She is engaged to be married to a most
worthy and deserving man in her own station of life I esteem her for her good
sense as much as I admire her for her good looks«
»Well said« cried Steerforth »Hear hear hear Now Ill quench the
curiosity of this little Fatima my dear Daisy by leaving her nothing to guess
at She is at present apprenticed Miss Mowcher or articled or whatever it may
be to Omer and Joram Haberdashers Milliners and so forth in this town Do
you observe Omer and Joram The promise of which my friend has spoken is made
and entered into with her cousin Christian name Ham surname Peggotty
occupation boatbuilder also of this town She lives with a relative
Christian name unknown surname Peggotty occupation seafaring also of this
town She is the prettiest and most engaging little fairy in the world I admire
her as my friend does exceedingly If it were not that I might appear to
disparage her Intended which I know my friend would not like I would add that
to me she seems to be throwing herself away that I am sure she might do better
and that I swear she was born to be a lady«
Miss Mowcher listened to these words which were very slowly and distinctly
spoken with her head on one side and her eye in the air as if she were still
looking for that answer When he ceased she became brisk again in an instant
and rattled away with surprising volubility
»Oh And thats all about it is it« she exclaimed trimming his whiskers
with a little restless pair of scissors that went glancing round his head in
all directions »Very well very well Quite a long story Ought to end and they
lived happy ever afterwards oughtnt it Ah Whats that game at forfeits I
love my love with an E because shes enticing I hate her with an E because
shes engaged I took her to the sign of the exquisite and treated her with an
elopement her names Emily and she lives in the east Ha ha ha Mr
Copperfield aint I volatile«
Merely looking at me with extravagant slyness and not waiting for any
reply she continued without drawing breath
»There If ever any scapegrace was trimmed and touched up to perfection you
are Steerforth If I understand any noddle in the world I understand yours Do
you hear me when I tell you that my darling I understand yours« peeping down
into his face »Now you may mizzle Jemmy as we say at Court and if Mr
Copperfield will take the chair Ill operate on him«
»What do you say Daisy« inquired Steerforth laughing and resigning his
seat »Will you be improved«
»Thank you Miss Mowcher not this evening«
»Dont say no« returned the little woman looking at me with the aspect of
a connoisseur »a little bit more eyebrow«
»Thank you« I returned »some other time«
»Have it carried half a quarter of an inch towards the temple« said Miss
Mowcher »We can do it in a fortnight«
»No I thank you Not at present«
»Go in for a tip« she urged »No Lets get the scaffolding up then for a
pair of whiskers Come«
I could not help blushing as I declined for I felt we were on my weak
point now But Miss Mowcher finding that I was not at present disposed for any
decoration within the range of her art and that I was for the time being
proof against the blandishments of the small bottle which she held up before one
eye to enforce her persuasions said we would make a beginning on an early day
and requested the aid of my hand to descend from her elevated station Thus
assisted she skipped down with much agility and began to tie her double chin
into her bonnet
»The fee« said Steerforth »is «
»Five bob« replied Miss Mowcher »and dirt cheap my chicken Aint I
volatile Mr Copperfield«
I replied politely »Not at all« But I thought she was rather so when she
tossed up his two halfcrowns like a goblin pieman caught them dropped them in
her pocket and gave it a loud slap
»Thats the Till« observed Miss Mowcher standing at the chair again and
replacing in the bag a miscellaneous collection of little objects she had
emptied out of it »Have I got all my traps It seems so It wont do to be like
long Ned Beadwood when they took him to church to marry him to somebody as he
says and left the bride behind Ha hat ha A wicked rascal Ned but droll
Now I know Im going to break your hearts but I am forced to leave you You
must call up all your fortitude and try to bear it Goodbye Mr Copperfield
Take care of yourself Jockey of Norfolk How I have been rattling on Its all
the fault of you two wretches I forgive you Bob swore as the Englishman
said for Good night when he first learnt French and thought it so like
English Bob swore my ducks«
With the bag slung over her arm and rattling as she waddled away she
waddled to the door where she stopped to inquire if she should leave us a lock
of her hair »Aint I volatile« she added as a commentary on this offer and
with her finger on her nose departed
Steerforth laughed to that degree that it was impossible for me to help
laughing too though I am not sure I should have done so but for this
inducement When we had had our laugh quite out which was after some time he
told me that Miss Mowcher had quite an extensive connexion and made herself
useful to a variety of people in a variety of ways Some people trifled with her
as a mere oddity he said but she was as shrewdly and sharply observant as any
one he knew and as longheaded as she was shortarmed He told me that what she
had said of being here and there and everywhere was true enough for she made
little darts into the provinces and seemed to pick up customers everywhere and
to know everybody I asked him what her disposition was whether it was at all
mischievous and if her sympathies were generally on the right side of things
but not succeeding in attracting his attention to these questions after two or
three attempts I forbore or forgot to repeat them He told me instead with
much rapidity a good deal about her skill and her profits and about her being
a scientific cupper if I should ever have occasion for her service in that
capacity
She was the principal theme of our conversation during the evening and when
we parted for the night Steerforth called after me over the banisters »Bob
swore« as I went downstairs
I was surprised when I came to Mr Barkiss house to find Ham walking up
and down in front of it and still more surprised to learn from him that little
Emly was inside I naturally inquired why he was not there too instead of
pacing the streets by himself
»Why you see Masr Davy« he rejoined in a hesitating manner »Emly
shes talking to some un in here«
»I should have thought« said I smiling »that that was a reason for your
being in here too Ham«
»Well Masr Davy in a general way so t would be« he returned »but
lookee here Masr Davy« lowering his voice and speaking very gravely »Its
a young woman sir a young woman that Emly knowed once and doent ought to
know no more«
When I heard these words a light began to fall upon the figure I had seen
following them some hours ago
»Its a poor wurem Masr Davy« said Ham »as is trod under foot by all the
town Up street and down street The mowld o the churchyard dont hold any that
the folk shrink away from more«
»Did I see her tonight Ham on the sands after we met you«
»Keeping us in sight« said Ham »Its like you did Masr Davy Not that I
knowd then she was theer sir but along of her creeping soon arterwards under
Emlys little winder when she see the light come and whispring Emly Emly
for Christs sake have a womans heart towards me I was once like you Those
was solemn words Masr Davy fur to hear«
»They were indeed Ham What did Emly do«
»Says Emly Martha is it you Oh Martha can it be you for they had
sat at work together many a day at Mr Omers«
»I recollect her now« cried I recalling one of the two girls I had seen
when I first went there »I recollect her quite well«
»Martha Endell« said Ham »Two or three year older than Emly but was at
the school with her«
»I never heard her name« said I »I didnt mean to interrupt you«
»For the matter o that Masr Davy« replied Ham »alls told amost in
them words Emly Emly for Christs sake have a womans heart towards me I
was once like you She wanted to speak to Emly Emly couldnt speak to her
theer for her loving uncle was come home and he wouldnt no Masr Davy«
said Ham with great earnestness »he couldnt kindnaturd tenderhearted as
he is see them two together side by side for all the treasures thats wrecked
in the sea«
I felt how true this was I knew it on the instant quite as well as Ham
»So Emly writes in pencil on a bit of paper« he pursued »and gives it to
her out o window to bring here Show that she says to my aunt Mrs Barkis
and shell set you down by her fire for the love of me till uncle is gone out
and I can come Byandby she tells me what I tell you Masr Davy and asks me
to bring her What can I do She doent ought to know any such but I cant deny
her when the tears is on her face«
He put his hand into the breast of his shaggy jacket and took out with
great care a pretty little purse
»And if I could deny her when the tears was on her face Masr Davy« said
Ham tenderly adjusting it on the rough palm of his hand »how could I deny her
when she give me this to carry for her knowing what she brought it for Such a
toy as it is« said Ham thoughtfully looking on it »With such a little money
in it Emly my dear«
I shook him warmly by the hand when he had put it away again for that was
more satisfactory to me than saying anything and we walked up and down for a
minute or two in silence The floor opened then and Peggotty appeared
beckoning to Ham to come in I would have kept away but she came after me
entreating me to come in too Even then I would have avoided the room where
they all were but for its being the neattiled kitchen I have mentioned more
than once The door opening immediately into it I found myself among them
before I considered whither I was going
The girl the same I had seen upon the sands was near the fire She was
sitting on the ground with her head and one arm lying on a chair I fancied
from the disposition of her figure that Emly had but newly risen from the
chair and that the forlorn head might perhaps have been lying on her lap I saw
but little of the girls face over which her hair fell loose and scattered as
if she had been disordering it with her own hands but I saw that she was young
and of a fair complexion Peggotty had been crying So had little Emly Not a
word was spoken when we first went in and the Dutch clock by the dresser
seemed in the silence to tick twice as loud as usual
Emly spoke first
»Martha wants« she said to Ham »to go to London«
»Why to London« returned Ham
He stood between them looking on the prostrate girl with a mixture of
compassion for her and of jealousy of her holding any companionship with her
whom he loved so well which I have always remembered distinctly They both
spoke as if she were ill in a soft suppressed tone that was plainly heard
although it hardly rose above a whisper
»Better there than here« said a third voice aloud Marthas though she
did not move »No one knows me there Everybody knows me here«
»What will she do there« inquired Ham
She lifted up her head and looked darkly round at him for a moment then
laid it down again and curved her right arm about her neck as a woman in a
fever or in an agony of pain from a shot might twist herself
»She will try to do well« said little Emly »You dont know what she has
said to us Does he do they aunt«
Peggotty shook her head compassionately
»Ill try« said Martha »if youll help me away I never can do worse than
I have done here I may do better Oh« with a dreadful shiver »take me out of
these streets where the whole town knows me from a child«
As Emly held out her hand to Ham I saw him put in it a little canvas bag
She took it as if she thought it were her purse and made a step or two
forward but finding her mistake came back to where he had retired near me and
showed it to him
»Its all yourn Emly« I could hear him say »I havent nowt in all the
wureld that aint yourn my dear It aint of no delight to me except for you«
The tears rose freshly in her eyes but she turned away and went to Martha
What she gave her I dont know I saw her stooping over her and putting money
in her bosom She whispered something as she asked was that enough »More than
enough« the other said and took her hand and kissed it
Then Martha arose and gathering her shawl about her covering her face with
it and weeping aloud went slowly to the door She stopped a moment before
going out as if she would have uttered something or turned back but no word
passed her lips Making the same low dreary wretched moaning in her shawl she
went away
As the door closed little Emly looked at us three in a hurried manner and
then hid her face in her hands and fell to sobbing
»Doent Emily« said Ham tapping her gently on the shoulder »Doent my
dear You doent ought to cry so pretty«
»Oh Ham« she exclaimed still weeping pitifully »I am not as good a girl
as I ought to be I know I have not the thankful heart sometimes I ought to
have«
»Yes yes you have Im sure« said Ham
»No no no« cried little Emly sobbing and shaking her head »I am not
as good a girl as I ought to be Not near not near«
And still she cried as if her heart would break
»I try your love too much I know I do« she sobbed »Im often cross to
you and changeable with you when I ought to be far different You are never so
to me Why am I ever so to you when I should think of nothing but how to be
grateful and to make you happy«
»You always make me so« said Ham »my dear I am happy in the sight of you
I am happy all day long in the thoughts of you«
»Ah thats not enough« she cried »That is because you are good not
because I am Oh my dear it might have been a better fortune for you if you
had been fond of some one else of some one steadier and much worthier than me
who was all bound up in you and never vain and changeable like me«
»Poor little tenderheart« said Ham in a low voice »Martha has overset
her altogether«
»Please aunt« sobbed Emly »come here and let me lay my head upon you
Oh I am very miserable tonight aunt Oh I am not as good a girl as I ought
to be I am not I know«
Peggotty had hastened to the chair before the fire Emly with her arms
around her neck kneeled by her looking up most earnestly into her face
»Oh pray aunt try to help me Ham dear try to help me Mr David for
the sake of old times do please try to help me I want to be a better girl
than I am I want to feel a hundred times more thankful than I do I want to
feel more what a blessed thing it is to be the wife of a good man and to lead
a peaceful life Oh me oh me Oh my heart my heart«
She dropped her face on my old nurses breast and ceasing this
supplication which in its agony and grief was half a womans half a childs
as all her manner was being in that more natural and better suited to her
beauty as I thought than any other manner could have been wept silently
while my old nurse hushed her like an infant
She got calmer by degrees and then we soothed her now talking
encouragingly and now jesting a little with her until she began to raise her
head and speak to us So we got on until she was able to smile and then to
laugh and then to sit up half ashamed while Peggotty recalled her stray
ringlets dried her eyes and made her neat again lest her uncle should wonder
when she got home why his darling had been crying
I saw her do that night what I had never seen her do before I saw her
innocently kiss her chosen husband on the cheek and creep close to his bluff
form as if it were her best support When they went away together in the waning
moonlight and I looked after them comparing their departure in my mind with
Marthas I saw that she held his arm with both her hands and still kept close
to him
Chapter XXIII
I Corroborate Mr Dick and Choose a Profession
When I awoke in the morning I thought very much of little Emly and her emotion
last night after Martha had left I felt as if I had come into the knowledge of
those domestic weaknesses and tendernesses in a sacred confidence and that to
disclose them even to Steerforth would be wrong I had no gentler feeling
towards any one than towards the pretty creature who had been my playmate and
whom I have always been persuaded and shall always be persuaded to my dying
day I then devotedly loved The repetition to any ears even to Steerforths
of what she had been unable to repress when her heart lay open to me by an
accident I felt would be a rough deed unworthy of myself unworthy of the
light of our pure childhood which I always saw encircling her head I made a
resolution therefore to keep it in my own breast and there it gave her image
a new grace
While we were at breakfast a letter was delivered to me from my aunt As it
contained matter on which I thought Steerforth could advise me as well as any
one and on which I knew I should be delighted to consult him I resolved to
make it a subject of discussion on our journey home For the present we had
enough to do in taking leave of all our friends Mr Barkis was far from being
the last among them in his regret at our departure and I believe would even
have opened the box again and sacrificed another guinea if it would have kept
us eightandforty hours in Yarmouth Peggotty and all her family were full of
grief at our going The whole house of Omer and Joram turned out to bid us
goodbye and there were so many seafaring volunteers in attendance on
Steerforth when our portmanteaus went to the Coach that if we had had the
baggage of a regiment with us we should hardly have wanted porters to carry it
In a word we departed to the regret and admiration of all concerned and left a
great many people very sorry behind us
»Do you stay long here Littimer« said I as he stood waiting to see the
coach start
»No sir« he replied »probably not very long sir«
»He can hardly say just now« observed Steerforth carelessly »He knows
what he has to do and hell do it«
»That I am sure he will« said I
Littimer touched his hat in acknowledgment of my good opinion and I felt
about eight years old He touched it once more wishing us a good journey and
we left him standing on the pavement as respectable a mystery as any pyramid in
Egypt
For some little time we held no conversation Steerforth being unusually
silent and I being sufficiently engaged in wondering within myself when I
should see the old places again and what new changes might happen to me or them
in the meanwhile At length Steerforth becoming gay and talkative in a moment
as he could become anything he liked at any moment pulled me by the arm
»Find a voice David What about the letter you were speaking of at
breakfast«
»Oh« said I taking it out of my pocket »Its from my aunt«
»And what does she say requiring consideration«
»Why she reminds me Steerforth« said I »that I came out on this
expedition to look about me and to think a little«
»Which of course you have done«
»Indeed I cant say I have particularly To tell you the truth I am afraid
I had forgotten it«
»Well look about you now and make up for your negligence« said
Steerforth »Look to the right and youll see a flat country with a good deal
of marsh in it look to the left and youll see the same Look to the front
and youll find no difference look to the rear and there it is still«
I laughed and replied that I saw no suitable profession in the whole
prospect which was perhaps to be attributed to its flatness
»What says our aunt on the subject« inquired Steerforth glancing at the
letter in my hand »Does she suggest anything«
»Why yes« said I »She asks me here if I think I should like to be a
proctor What do you think of it«
»Well I dont know« replied Steerforth coolly »You may as well do that
as anything else I suppose«
I could not help laughing again at his balancing all callings and
professions so equally and I told him so
»What is a proctor Steerforth« said I
»Why he is a sort of monkish attorney« replied Steerforth »He is to some
faded courts held in Doctors Commons a lazy old nook near St Pauls
Churchyard what solicitors are to the courts of law and equity He is a
functionary whose existence in the natural course of things would have
terminated about two hundred years ago I can tell you best what he is by
telling you what Doctors Commons is Its a little outoftheway place where
they administer what is called ecclesiastical law and play all kinds of tricks
with obsolete old monsters of acts of Parliament which threefourths of the
world know nothing about and the other fourth supposes to have been dug up in
a fossil state in the days of the Edwards Its a place that has an ancient
monopoly in suits about peoples wills and peoples marriages and disputes
among ships and boats«
»Nonsense Steerforth« I exclaimed »You dont mean to say that there is
any affinity between nautical matters and ecclesiastical matters«
»I dont indeed my dear boy« he returned »but I mean to say that they
are managed and decided by the same set of people down in that same Doctors
Commons You shall go there one day and find them blundering through half the
nautical terms in Youngs Dictionary apropos of the Nancy having run down the
Sarah Jane or Mr Peggotty and the Yarmouth boatmen having put off in a gale of
wind with an anchor and cable to the Nelson Indiaman in distress and you shall
go there another day and find them deep in the evidence pro and con
respecting a clergyman who has misbehaved himself and you shall find the judge
in the nautical case the advocate in the clergymans case or contrariwise
They are like actors now a mans a judge and now he is not a judge now hes
one thing now hes another now hes something else change and change about
but its always a very pleasant profitable little affair of private theatricals
presented to an uncommonly select audience«
»But advocates and proctors are not one and the same« said I a little
puzzled »Are they«
»No« returned Steerforth »the advocates are civilians men who have taken
a doctors degree at college which is the first reason of my knowing anything
about it The proctors employ the advocates Both get very comfortable fees and
altogether they make a mighty snug little party On the whole I would recommend
you to take to Doctors Commons kindly David They plume themselves on their
gentility there I can tell you if thats any satisfaction«
I made allowance for Steerforths light way of treating the subject and
considering it with reference to the staid air of gravity and antiquity which I
associated with that lazy old nook near St Pauls Churchyard did not feel
indisposed towards my aunts suggestion which she left to my free decision
making no scruple of telling me that it had occured to her on her lately
visiting her own proctor in Doctors Commons for the purpose of settling her
will in my favour
»Thats a laudable proceeding on the part of our aunt at all events« said
Steerforth when I mentioned it »and one deserving of all encouragement Daisy
my advice is that you take kindly to Doctors Commons«
I quite made up my mind to do so I then told Steerforth that my aunt was in
town awaiting me as I found from her letter and that she had taken lodgings
for a week at a kind of private hotel in Lincolns Inn Fields where there was a
stone staircase and a convenient door in the roof my aunt being firmly
persuaded that every house in London was going to be burnt down every night
We achieved the rest of our journey pleasantly sometimes recurring to
Doctors Commons and anticipating the distant days when I should be a proctor
there which Steerforth pictured in a variety of humorous and whimsical lights
that made us both merry When we came to our journeys end he went home
engaging to call upon me next day but one and I drove to Lincolns Inn Fields
where I found my aunt up and waiting supper
If I had been round the world since we parted we could hardly have been
better pleased to meet again My aunt cried outright as she embraced me and
said pretending to laugh that if my poor mother had been alive that silly
little creature would have shed tears she had no doubt
»So you have left Mr Dick behind aunt« said I »I am sorry for that Ah
Janet how do you do«
As Janet curtsied hoping I was well I observed my aunts visage lengthen
very much
»I am sorry for it too« said my aunt rubbing her nose »I have had no
peace of mind Trot since I have been here«
Before I could ask why she told me
»I am convinced« said my aunt laying her hand with melancholy firmness on
the table »that Dicks character is not a character to keep the donkeys off I
am confident he wants strength of purpose I ought to have left Janet at home
instead and then my mind might perhaps have been at ease If ever there was a
donkey trespassing on my green« said my aunt with emphasis »there was one
this afternoon at four oclock A cold feeling came over me from head to foot
and I know it was a donkey«
I tried to comfort her on this point but she rejected consolation
»It was a donkey« said my aunt »and it was the one with the stumpy tail
which that Murdering sister of a woman rode when she came to my house« This
had been ever since the only name my aunt knew for Miss Murdstone »If there
is any Donkey in Dover whose audacity it is harder to me to bear than
anothers that« said my aunt striking the table »is the animal«
Janet ventured to suggest that my aunt might be disturbing herself
unnecessarily and that she believed the donkey in question was then engaged in
the sandandgravel line of business and was not available for purposes of
trespass But my aunt wouldnt hear of it
Supper was comfortably served and hot though my aunts rooms were very high
up whether that she might have more stone stairs for her money or might be
nearer to the door in the roof I dont know and consisted of a roast fowl a
steak and some vegetables to all of which I did ample justice and which were
all excellent But my aunt had her own ideas concerning London provision and
ate but little
»I suppose this unfortunate fowl was born and brought up in a cellar« said
my aunt »and never took the air except on a hackney coachstand I hope the
steak may be beef but I dont believe it Nothings genuine in the place in my
opinion but the dirt«
»Dont you think the fowl may have come out of the country aunt« I hinted
»Certainly not« returned my aunt »It would be no pleasure to a London
tradesman to sell anything which was what he pretended it was«
I did not venture to controvert this opinion but I made a good supper
which it greatly satisfied her to see me do When the table was cleared Janet
assisted her to arrange her hair to put on her nightcap which was of a smarter
construction than usual in case of fire my aunt said and to fold her gown
back over her knees these being her usual preparations for warming herself
before going to bed I then made her according to certain established
regulations from which no deviation however slight could ever be permitted a
glass of hot white wine and water and a slice of toast cut into long thin
strips With these accompaniments we were left alone to finish the evening my
aunt sitting opposite to me drinking her wine and water soaking her strips of
toast in it one by one before eating them and looking benignantly on me from
among the borders of her nightcap
»Well Trot« she began »what do you think of the proctor plan Or have you
not begun to think about it yet«
»I have thought a good deal about it my dear aunt and I have talked a good
deal about it with Steerforth I like it very much indeed I like it
exceedingly«
»Come« said my aunt »Thats cheering«
»I have only one difficulty aunt«
»Say what it is Trot« she returned
»Why I want to ask aunt as this seems from what I understand to be a
limited profession whether my entrance into it would not be very expensive«
»It will cost« returned my aunt »to article you just a thousand pounds«
»Now my dear aunt« said I drawing my chair nearer »I am uneasy in my
mind about that Its a large sum of money You have expended a great deal on my
education and have always been as liberal to me in all things as it was
possible to be You have been the soul of generosity Surely there are some ways
in which I might begin life with hardly any outlay and yet begin with a good
hope of getting on by resolution and exertion Are you sure that it would not be
better to try that course Are you certain that you can afford to part with so
much money and that it is right that it should be so expended I only ask you
my second mother to consider Are you certain«
My aunt finished eating the piece of toast on which she was then engaged
looking me full in the face all the while and then setting her glass on the
chimneypiece and folding her hands upon her folded skirts replied as follows
»Trot my child if I have any object in life it is to provide for your
being a good a sensible and a happy man I am bent upon it so is Dick I
should like some people that I know to hear Dicks conversation on the subject
Its sagacity is wonderful But no one knows the resources of that mans
intellect except myself«
She stopped for a moment to take my hand between hers and went on
»Its in vain Trot to recall the past unless it works some influence upon
the present Perhaps I might have been better friends with your poor father
Perhaps I might have been better friends with that poor child your mother even
after your sister Betsey Trotwood disappointed me When you came to me a little
runaway boy all dusty and wayworn perhaps I thought so From that time until
now Trot you have ever been a credit to me and a pride and a pleasure I have
no other claim upon my means at least« here to my surprise she hesitated and
was confused »no I have no other claim upon my means and you are my adopted
child Only be a loving child to me in my age and bear with my whims and
fancies and you will do more for an old woman whose prime of life was not so
happy or conciliating as it might have been than ever that old woman did for
you«
It was the first time I had heard my aunt refer to her past history There
was a magnanimity in her quiet way of doing so and of dismissing it which
would have exalted her in my respect and affection if anything could
»All is agreed and understood between us now Trot« said my aunt »and we
need talk of this no more Give me a kiss and well go to the Commons after
breakfast tomorrow«
We had a long chat by the fire before we went to bed I slept in a room on
the same floor with my aunts and was a little disturbed in the course of the
night by her knocking at my door as often as she was agitated by a distant sound
of hackneycoaches or marketcarts and inquiring »if I heard the engines« But
towards morning she slept better and suffered me to do so too
At about midday we set out for the office of Messrs Spenlow and Jorkins
in Doctors Commons My aunt who had this other general opinion in reference to
London that every man she saw was a pickpocket gave me her purse to carry for
her which had ten guineas in it and some silver
We made a pause at the toyshop in Fleet Street to see the giants of Saint
Dunstans strike upon the bells we had timed our going so as to catch them at
it at twelve oclock and then went on towards Ludgate Hill and St Pauls
Churchyard We were crossing to the former place when I found that my aunt
greatly accelerated her speed and looked frightened I observed at the same
time that a lowering illdressed man who had stopped and stared at us in
passing a little before was coming so close after us as to brush against her
»Trot My dear Trot« cried my aunt in a terrified whisper and pressing my
arm »I dont know what I am to do«
»Dont be alarmed« said I »Theres nothing to be afraid of Step into a
shop and Ill soon get rid of this fellow«
»No no child« she returned »Dont speak to him for the world I entreat
I order you«
»Good Heaven aunt« said I »He is nothing but a sturdy beggar«
»You dont know what he is« replied my aunt »You dont know who he is You
dont know what you say«
We had stopped in an empty doorway while this was passing and he had
stopped too
»Dont look at him« said my aunt as I turned my head indignantly »but get
me a coach my dear and wait for me in St Pauls Churchyard«
»Wait for you« I repeated
»Yes« rejoined my aunt »I must go alone I must go with him«
»With him aunt This man«
»I am in my senses« she replied »and I tell you I must Get me a coach«
However much astonished I might be I was sensible that I had no right to
refuse compliance with such a peremptory command I hurried away a few paces
and called a hackney chariot which was passing empty Almost before I could let
down the steps my aunt sprang in I dont know how and the man followed She
waved her hand to me to go away so earnestly that all confounded as I was I
turned from them at once In doing so I heard her say to the coachman »Drive
anywhere Drive straight on« and presently the chariot passed me going up the
hill
What Mr Dick had told me and what I had supposed to be a delusion of his
now came into my mind I could not doubt that this person was the person of whom
he had made such mysterious mention though what the nature of his hold upon my
aunt could possibly be I was quite unable to imagine After half an hours
cooling in the churchyard I saw the chariot coming back The driver stopped
beside me and my aunt was sitting in it alone
She had not yet sufficiently recovered from her agitation to be quite
prepared for the visit we had to make She desired me to get into the chariot
and to tell the coachman to drive slowly up and down a little while She said no
more except »My dear child never ask me what it was and dont refer to it«
until she had perfectly regained her composure when she told me she was quite
herself now and we might get out On her giving me her purse to pay the
driver I found that all the guineas were gone and only the loose silver
remained
Doctors Commons was approached by a little low archway Before we had taken
many paces down the street beyond it the noise of the city seemed to melt as
if by magic into a softened distance A few dull courts and narrow ways brought
us to the skylighted offices of Spenlow and Jorkins in the vestibule of which
temple accessible to pilgrims without the ceremony of knocking three or four
clerks were at work as copyists One of these a little dry man sitting by
himself who wore a stiff brown wig that looked as if it were made of
gingerbread rose to receive my aunt and show us into Mr Spenlows room
»Mr Spenlows in Court maam« said the dry man »its an Arches day but
its close by and Ill send for him directly«
As we were left to look about us while Mr Spenlow was fetched I availed
myself of the opportunity The furniture of the room was oldfashioned and
dusty and the green baize on the top of the writingtable had lost all its
colour and was as withered and pale as an old pauper There were a great many
bundles of papers on it some indorsed as Allegations and some to my surprise
as Libels and some as being in the Consistory Court and some in the Arches
Court and some in the Prerogative Court and some in the Admiralty Court and
some in the Delegates Court giving me occasion to wonder much how many Courts
there might be in the gross and how long it would take to understand them all
Besides these there were sundry immense manuscript Books of Evidence taken on
affidavit strongly bound and tied together in massive sets a set to each
cause as if every cause were a history in ten or twenty volumes All this
looked tolerably expensive I thought and gave me an agreeable notion of a
proctors business I was casting my eyes with increasing complacency over these
and many similar objects when hasty footstep were heard in the room outside
and Mr Spenlow in a black gown trimmed with white fur came hurrying in
taking off his hat as he came
He was a little lighthaired gentleman with undeniable boots and the
stiffest of white cravats and shirtcollars He was buttoned up mighty trim and
tight and must have taken a great deal of pains with his whiskers which were
accurately curled His gold watchchain was so massive that a fancy came
across me that he ought to have a sinewy golden arm to draw it out with like
those which are put up over the goldbeaters shops He was got up with such
care and was so stiff that he could hardly bend himself being obliged when
he glanced at some papers on his desk after sitting down in his chair to move
his whole body from the bottom of his spine like Punch
I had previously been presented by my aunt and had been courteously
receiver He now said
»And so Mr Copperfield you think of entering into our profession I
casually mentioned to Miss Trotwood when I had the pleasure of an interview
with her the other day« with another inclination of his body Punch again
»that there was a vacancy here Miss Trotwood was good enough to mention that
she had a nephew who was her peculiar care and for whom she was seeking to
provide genteelly in life That nephew I believe I have now the pleasure of«
Punch again
I bowed my acknowledgments and said my aunt had mentioned to me that there
was that opening and that I believed I should like it very much That I was
strongly inclined to like it and had taken immediately to the proposal That I
could not absolutely pledge myself to like it until I knew something more about
it That although it was little else than a matter of form I presumed I should
have an opportunity of trying how I liked it before I bound myself to it
irrevocably
»Oh surely surely« said Mr Spenlow »We always in this house propose a
month an initiatory month I should be happy myself to propose two months
three an indefinite period in fact but I have a partner Mr Jorkins«
»And the premium sir« I returned »is a thousand pounds«
»And the premium Stamp included is a thousand pounds« said Mr Spenlow
»As I have mentioned to Miss Trotwood I am actuated by no mercenary
considerations few men are less so I believe but Mr Jorkins has his opinions
on these subjects and I am bound to respect Mr Jorkinss opinions Mr Jorkins
thinks a thousand pounds too little in short«
»I suppose sir« said I still desiring to spare my aunt »that it is not
the custom here if an articled clerk were particularly useful and made himself
a perfect master of his profession « I could not help blushing this looked so
like praising myself »I suppose it is not the custom in the later years of
his time to allow him any «
Mr Spenlow by a great effort just lifted his head far enough out of his
cravat to shake it and answered anticipating the word salary
»No I will not say what consideration I might give to that point myself
Mr Copperfield if I were unfettered Mr Jorkins is immovable«
I was quite dismayed by the idea of this terrible Jorkins But I found out
afterwards that he was a mild man of a heavy temperament whose place in the
business was to keep himself in the background and be constantly exhibited by
name as the most obdurate and ruthless of men If a clerk wanted his salary
raised Mr Jorkins wouldnt listen to such a proposition. If a client were slow
to settle his bill of costs Mr Jorkins was resolved to have it paid and
however painful these things might be and always were to the feelings of Mr
Spenlow Mr Jorkins would have his bond The heart and hand of the good angel
Spenlow would have been always open but for the restraining demon Jorkins As I
have grown older I think I have had experience of some other houses doing
business on the principle of Spenlow and Jorkins
It was settled that I should begin my months probation as soon as I
pleased and that my aunt need neither remain in town nor return at its
expiration as the articles of agreement of which I was to be the subject could
easily be sent to her at home for her signature When we had got so far Mr
Spenlow offered to take me into Court then and there and show me what sort of
place it was As I was willing enough to know we went out with this object
leaving my aunt behind who would trust herself she said in no such place and
who I think regarded all Courts of Law as a sort of powdermills that might
blow up at any time
Mr Spenlow conducted me through a paved courtyard formed of grave brick
houses which I inferred from the Doctors names upon the doors to be the
official abidingplaces of the learned advocates of whom Steerforth had told me
and into a large dull room not unlike a chapel to my thinking on the left
hand The upper part of this room was fenced off from the rest and there on
the two sides of a raised platform of the horseshoe form sitting on easy
oldfashioned diningroom chairs were sundry gentlemen in red gowns and grey
wigs whom I found to be the Doctors aforesaid Blinking over a little desk like
a pulpitdesk in the curve of the horseshoe was an old gentleman whom if I
had seen him in an aviary I should certainly have taken for an owl but who I
learned was the presiding judge In the space within the horseshoe lower than
these that is to say on about the level of the floor were sundry other
gentlemen of Mr Spenlows rank and dressed like him in black gowns with white
fur upon them sitting at a long green table Their cravats were in general
stiff I thought and their looks haughty but in this last respect I presently
conceived I had done them an injustice for when two or three of them had to
rise and answer a question of the presiding dignitary I never saw anything more
sheepish The public represented by a boy with a comforter and a shabbygenteel
man secretly eating crumbs out of his coat pockets was warming itself at a
stove in the centre of the Court The languid stillness of the place was only
broken by the chirping of this fire and by the voice of one of the Doctors who
was wandering slowly through a perfect library of evidence and stopping to put
up from time to time at little roadside inns of argument on the journey
Altogether I have never on any occasion made one at such a cosey dosey
oldfashioned timeforgotten sleepyheaded little familyparty in all my life
and I felt it would be quite a soothing opiate to belong to it in any character
except perhaps as a suitor
Very well satisfied with the dreamy nature of this retreat I informed Mr
Spenlow that I had seen enough for that time and we rejoined my aunt in
company with whom I presently departed from the Commons feeling very young when
I went out of Spenlow and Jorkinss on account of the clerks poking one another
with their pens to point me out
We arrived at Lincolns Inn Fields without any new adventures except
encountering an unlucky donkey in a costermongers cart who suggested painful
associations to my aunt We had another long talk about my plans when we were
safely housed and as I knew she was anxious to get home and between fire
food and pickpockets could never be considered at her ease for halfanhour in
London I urged her not to be uncomfortable on my account but to leave me to
take care of myself
»I have not been here a week tomorrow without considering that too my
dear« she returned »There is a furnished little set of chambers to be let in
the Adelphi Trot which ought to suit you to a marvel«
With this brief introduction she produced from her pocket an advertisement
carefully cut out of a newspaper setting forth that in Buckingham Street in the
Adelphi there was to be let furnished with a view of the river a singularly
desirable and compact set of chambers forming a genteel residence for a young
gentleman a member of one of the Inns of Court or otherwise with immediate
possession Terms moderate and could be taken for a month only if required
»Why this is the very thing aunt« said I flushed with the possible
dignity of living in chambers
»Then come« replied my aunt immediately resuming the bonnet she had a
minute before laid aside »Well go and look at em«
Away we went The advertisement directed us to apply to Mrs Crupp on the
premises and we rung the area bell which we supposed to communicate with Mrs
Crupp It was not until we had rung three or four times that we could prevail on
Mrs Crupp to communicate with us but at last she appeared being a stout lady
with a flounce of flannel petticoat below a nankeen gown
»Let us see these chambers of yours if you please maam« said my aunt
»For this gentleman« said Mrs Crupp feeling in her pocket for her keys
»Yes for my nephew« said my aunt
»And a sweet set they is for sich« said Mrs Crupp
So we went upstairs
They were on the top of the house a great point with my aunt being near
the fireescape and consisted of a little halfblind entry where you could see
hardly anything a little stoneblind pantry where you could see nothing at all
a sittingroom and a bedroom The furniture was rather faded but quite good
enough for me and sure enough the river was outside the windows
As I was delighted with the place my aunt and Mrs Crupp withdrew into the
pantry to discuss the terms while I remained on the sittingroom sofa hardly
daring to think it possible that I could be destined to live in such a noble
residence After a single combat of some duration they returned and I saw to
my joy both in Mrs Crupps countenance and in my aunts that the deed was
done
»Is it the last occupants furniture« inquired my aunt
»Yes it is maam« said Mrs Crupp
»Whats become of him« asked my aunt
Mrs Crupp was taken with a troublesome cough in the midst of which she
articulated with much difficulty »He was took ill here maam and ugh ugh
ugh dear me and he died«
»Hey What did he die of« asked my aunt
»Well maam he died of drink« said Mrs Crupp in confidence »And
smoke«
»Smoke You dont mean chimneys« said my aunt
»No maam« returned Mrs Crupp »Cigars and pipes«
»Thats not catching Trot at any rate« remarked my aunt turning to me
»No indeed« said I
In short my aunt seeing how enraptured I was with the premises took them
for a month with leave to remain for twelve months when that time was out Mrs
Crupp was to find linen and to cook every other necessary was already
provided and Mrs Crupp expressly intimated that she should always yearn
towards me as a son I was to take possession the day after tomorrow and Mrs
Crupp said thank Heaven she had now found summun she could care for
On our way back my aunt informed me how she confidently trusted that the
life I was now to lead would make me firm and selfreliant which was all I
wanted She repeated this several times next day in the intervals of our
arranging for the transmission of my clothes and books from Mr Wickfields
relative to which and to all my late holiday I wrote a long letter to Agnes
of which my aunt took charge as she was to leave on the succeeding day Not to
lengthen these particulars I need only add that she made a handsome provision
for all my possible wants during my month of trial that Steerforth to my great
disappointment and hers too did not make his appearance before she went away
that I saw her safely seated in the Dover coach exulting in the coming
discomfiture of the vagrant donkeys with Janet at her side and that when the
coach was gone I turned my face to the Adelphi pondering on the old days when
I used to roam about its subterranean arches and on the happy changes which had
brought me to the surface
Chapter XXIV
My First Dissipation
It was a wonderfully fine thing to have that lofty castle to myself and to
feel when I shut my outer door like Robinson Crusoe when he had got into his
fortification and pulled his ladder up after him It was a wonderfully fine
thing to walk about town with the key of my house in my pocket and to know that
I could ask any fellow to come home and make quite sure of its being
inconvenient to nobody if it were not so to me It was a wonderfully fine thing
to let myself in and out and to come and go without a word to any one and to
ring Mrs Crupp up gasping from the depths of the earth when I wanted her
and when she was disposed to come All this I say was wonderfully fine but I
must say too that there were times when it was very dreary
It was fine in the morning particularly in the fine mornings It looked a
very fresh free life by daylight still fresher and more free by sunlight
But as the day declined the life seemed to go down too I dont know how it
was it seldom looked well by candlelight I wanted somebody to talk to then
I missed Agnes I found a tremendous blank in the place of that smiling
repository of my confidence Mrs Crupp appeared to be a long way off I thought
about my predecessor who had died of drink and smoke and I could have wished
he had been so good as to live and not bother me with his decease
After two days and nights I felt as if I had lived there for a year and
yet I was not an hour older but was quite as much tormented by my own
youthfulness as ever
Steerforth not yet appearing which induced me to apprehend that he must be
ill I left the Commons early on the third day and walked out to Highgate Mrs
Steerforth was very glad to see me and said that he had gone away with one of
his Oxford friends to see another who lived near St Albans but that she
expected him to return tomorrow I was so fond of him that I felt quite
jealous of his Oxford friends
As she pressed me to stay to dinner I remained and I believe we talked
about nothing but him all day I told her how much the people liked him at
Yarmouth and what a delightful companion he had been Miss Dartle was full of
hints and mysterious questions but took a great interest in all our proceedings
there and said »Was it really though« and so forth so often that she got
everything out of me she wanted to know Her appearance was exactly what I have
described it when I first saw her but the society of the two ladies was so
agreeable and came so natural to me that I felt myself falling a little in
love with her I could not help thinking several times in the course of the
evening and particularly when I walked home at night what delightful company
she would be in Buckingham Street
I was taking my coffee and roll in the morning before going to the Commons
and I may observe in this place that it is surprising how much coffee Mrs
Crupp used and how weak it was considering when Steerforth himself walked
in to my unbounded joy
»My dear Steerforth« cried I »I began to think I should never see you
again«
»I was carried off by force of arms« said Steerforth »the very next
morning after I got home Why Daisy what a rare old bachelor you are here«
I showed him over the establishment not omitting the pantry with no little
pride and he commended it highly »I tell you what old boy« he added »I
shall make quite a townhouse of this place unless you give me notice to quit«
This was a delightful hearing I told him if he waited for that he would
have to wait till doomsday
»But you shall have some breakfast« said I with my hand on the bellrope
»and Mrs Crupp shall make you some fresh coffee and Ill toast you some bacon
in a bachelors Dutchoven that I have got here«
»No no« said Steerforth »Dont ring I cant I am going to breakfast
with one of these fellows who is at the Piazza Hotel in Covent Garden«
»But youll come back to dinner« said I
»I cant upon my life Theres nothing I should like better but I must
remain with these two fellows We are all three off together tomorrow morning«
»Then bring them here to dinner« I returned »Do you think they would
come«
»Oh they would come fast enough« said Steerforth »but we should
inconvenience you You had better come and dine with us somewhere«
I would not by any means consent to this for it occurred to me that I
really ought to have a little housewarming and that there never could be a
better opportunity I had a new pride in my rooms after his approval of them
and burned with a desire to develop their utmost resources I therefore made him
promise positively in the names of his two friends and we appointed six oclock
as the dinnerhour
When he was gone I rang for Mrs Crupp and acquainted her with my
desperate design Mrs Crupp said in the first place of course it was well
known she couldnt be expected to wait but she knew a handy young man who she
thought could be prevailed upon to do it and whose terms would be five
shillings and what I pleased I said certainly we would have him Next Mrs
Crupp said it was clear she couldnt be in two places at once which I felt to
be reasonable and that a young gal stationed in the pantry with a bedroom
candle there never to desist from washing plates would be indispensable I
said what would be the expense of this young female and Mrs Crupp said she
supposed eighteenpence would neither make me nor break me I said I supposed
not and that was settled Then Mrs Crupp said Now about the dinner
It was a remarkable instance of want of forethought on the part of the
ironmonger who had made Mrs Crupps kitchen fireplace that it was capable of
cooking nothing but chops and mashed potatoes As to a fishkittle Mrs Crupp
said well would I only come and look at the range She couldnt say fairer
than that Would I come and look at it As I should not have been much the wiser
if I had looked at it I declined and said »Never mind fish« But Mrs Crupp
said Dont say that oysters was in why not them So that was settled Mrs
Crupp then said what she would recommend would be this A pair of hot roast
fowls from the pastrycooks a dish of stewed beef with vegetables from
the pastrycooks two little corner things as a raised pie and a dish of
kidneys from the pastrycooks a tart and if I liked a shape of jelly
from the pastrycooks This Mrs Crupp said would leave her at full liberty
to concentrate her mind on the potatoes and to serve up the cheese and celery
as she could wish to see it done
I acted on Mrs Crupps opinion and gave the order at the pastrycooks
myself Walking along the Strand afterwards and observing a hard mottled
substance in the window of a ham and beef shop which resembled marble but was
labelled Mock Turtle I went in and bought a slab of it which I have since seen
reason to believe would have sufficed for fifteen people This preparation Mrs
Crupp after some difficulty consented to warm up and it shrunk so much in a
liquid state that we found it what Steerforth called rather a tight fit for
four
These preparations happily completed I bought a little dessert in Covent
Garden Market and gave a rather extensive order at a retail winemerchants in
that vicinity When I came home in the afternoon and saw the bottles drawn up
in a square on the pantryfloor they looked so numerous though there were two
missing which made Mrs Crupp very uncomfortable that I was absolutely
frightened at them
One of Steerforths friends was named Grainger and the other Markham They
were both very gay and lively fellows Grainger something older than
Steerforth Markham youthfullooking and I should say not more than twenty I
observed that the latter always spoke of himself indefinitely as a man and
seldom or never in the first person singular
»A man might get on very well here Mr Copperfield« said Markham meaning
himself
»Its not a bad situation« said I »and the rooms are really commodious«
»I hope you have both brought appetites with you« said Steerforth
»Upon my honour« returned Markham »town seems to sharpen a mans appetite
A man is hungry all day long A man is perpetually eating«
Being a little embarrassed at first and feeling much too young to preside
I made Steerforth take the head of the table when dinner was announced and
seated myself opposite to him Everything was very good we did not spare the
wine and he exerted himself so brilliantly to make the thing pass off well
that there was no pause in our festivity I was not quite such good company
during dinner as I could have wished to be for my chair was opposite the door
and my attention was distracted by observing that the handy young man went out
of the room very often and that his shadow always presented itself immediately
afterwards on the wall of the entry with a bottle at its mouth The young gal
likewise occasioned me some uneasiness not so much by neglecting to wash the
plates as by breaking them For being of an inquisitive disposition and unable
to confine herself as her positive instructions were to the pantry she was
constantly peering in at us and constantly imagining herself detected in which
belief she several times retired upon the plates with which she had carefully
paved the floor and did a great deal of destruction
These however were small drawbacks and easily forgotten when the cloth
was cleared and the dessert put on the table at which period of the
entertainment the handy young man was discovered to be speechless Giving him
private directions to seek the society of Mrs Crupp and to remove the young
gal to the basement also I abandoned myself to enjoyment
I began by being singularly cheerful and lighthearted all sorts of
halfforgotten things to talk about came rushing into my mind and made me hold
forth in a most unwonted manner I laughed heartily at my own jokes and
everybody elses called Steerforth to order for not passing the wine made
several engagements to go to Oxford announced that I meant to have a
dinnerparty exactly like that once a week until further notice and madly
took so much snuff out of Graingers box that I was obliged to go into the
pantry and have a private fit of sneezing ten minutes long
I went on by passing the wine faster and faster yet and continually
starting up with a corkscrew to open more wine long before any was needed I
proposed Steerforths health I said he was my dearest friend the protector of
my boyhood and the companion of my prime I said I was delighted to propose his
health I said I owed him more obligations than I could ever repay and held him
in a higher admiration than I could ever express I finished by saying »Ill
give you Steerforth God bless him Hurrah« We gave him three times three and
another and a good one to finish with I broke my glass in going round the
table to shake hands with him and I said in two words »Steerforth
youretheguidingstarofmyexistence«
I went on by finding suddenly that somebody was in the middle of a song
Markham was the singer and he sang »When the heart of a man is depressed with
care« He said when he had sung it he would give us »Woman« I took objection
to that and I couldnt allow it I said it was not a respectful way of
proposing the toast and I would never permit that toast to be drunk in my house
otherwise than as »The Ladies« I was very high with him mainly I think because
I saw Steerforth and Grainger laughing at me or at him or at both of us He
said a man was not to be dictated to I said a man was He said a man was not to
be insulted then I said he was right there never under my roof where the
Lares were sacred and the laws of hospitality paramount He said it was no
derogation from a mans dignity to confess that I was a devilish good fellow I
instantly proposed his health
Somebody was smoking We were all smoking I was smoking and trying to
suppress a rising tendency to shudder Steerforth had made a speech about me in
the course of which I had been affected almost to tears I returned thanks and
hoped the present company would dine with me tomorrow and the day after each
day at five oclock that we might enjoy the pleasures of conversation and
society through a long evening I felt called upon to propose an individual I
would give them my aunt Miss Betsey Trotwood the best of her sex
Somebody was leaning out of my bedroom window refreshing his forehead
against the cool stone of the parapet and feeling the air upon his face It was
myself I was addressing myself as Copperfield and saying »Why did you try to
smoke You might have known you couldnt do it« Now somebody was unsteadily
contemplating his features in the lookingglass That was I too I was very pale
in the lookingglass my eyes had a vacant appearance and my hair only my
hair nothing else looked drunk
Somebody said to me »Let us go to the theatre Copperfield« There was no
bedroom before me but again the jingling table covered with glasses the lamp
Grainger on my right hand Markham on my left and Steerforth opposite all
sitting in a mist and a long way off The theatre To be sure The very thing
Come along But they must excuse me if I saw everybody out first and turned the
lamp off in case of fire
Owing to some confusion in the dark the door was gone I was feeling for it
in the windowcurtains when Steerforth laughing took me by the arm and led me
out We went downstairs one behind another Near the bottom somebody fell
and rolled down Somebody else said it was Copperfield I was angry at that
false report until finding myself on my back in the passage I began to think
there might be some foundation for it
A very foggy night with great rings round the lamps in the streets There
was an indistinct talk of its being wet I considered it frosty Steerforth
dusted me under a lamppost and put my hat into shape which somebody produced
from somewhere in a most extraordinary manner for I hadnt had it on before
Steerforth then said »You are all right Copperfield are you not« and I told
him »Neverberrer«
A man sitting in a pigeonholeplace looked out of the fog and took money
from somebody inquiring if I was one of the gentlemen paid for and appearing
rather doubtful as I remember in the glimpse I had of him whether to take the
money for me or not Shortly afterwards we were very high up in a very hot
theatre looking down into a large pit that seemed to me to smoke the people
with whom it was crammed were so indistinct There was a great stage too
looking very clean and smooth after the streets and there were people upon it
talking about something or other but not at all intelligibly There was an
abundance of bright lights and there was music and there were ladies down in
the boxes and I dont know what more The whole building looked to me as if it
were learning to swim it conducted itself in such an unaccountable manner when
I tried to steady it
On somebodys motion we resolved to go downstairs to the dressboxes
where the ladies were A gentleman lounging full dressed on a sofa with an
operaglass in his hand passed before my view and also my own figure at full
length in a glass Then I was being ushered into one of these boxes and found
myself saying something as I sat down and people about me crying »Silence« to
somebody and ladies casting indignant glances at me and what yes Agnes
sitting on the seat before me in the same box with a lady and gentleman beside
her whom I didnt know I see her face now better than I did then I dare say
with its indelible look of regret and wonder turned upon me
»Agnes« I said thickly »Lorblessmer Agnes«
»Hush Pray« she answered I could not conceive why »You disturb the
company Look at the stage«
I tried on her injunction to fix it and to hear something of what was
going on there but quite in vain I looked at her again byandby and saw her
shrink into her corner and put her gloved hand to her forehead
»Agnes« I said »Imafraidyourenorwell«
»Yes yes Do not mind me Trotwood« she returned »Listen Are you going
away soon«
»Amigoarawaysoo« I repeated
»Yes«
I had a stupid intention of replying that I was going to wait to hand her
downstairs I suppose I expressed it somehow for after she had looked at me
attentively for a little while she appeared to understand and replied in a low
tone
»I know you will do as I ask you if I tell you I am very earnest in it Go
away now Trotwood for my sake and ask your friends to take you home«
She had so far improved me for the time that though I was angry with her
I felt ashamed and with a short »Goori« which I intended for Goodnight got
up and went away They followed and I stepped at once out of the boxdoor into
my bedroom where only Steerforth was with me helping me to undress and where
I was by turns telling him that Agnes was my sister and adjuring him to bring
the corkscrew that I might open another bottle of wine
How somebody lying in my bed lay saying and doing all this over again at
cross purposes in a feverish dream all night the bed a rocking sea that was
never still How as that somebody slowly settled down into myself did I begin
to parch and feel as if my outer covering of skin were a hard board my tongue
the bottom of an empty kettle furred with long service and burning up over a
slow fire the palms of my hands hot plates of metal which no ice could cool
But the agony of mind the remorse and shame I felt when I became
conscious next day My horror of having committed a thousand offences I had
forgotten and which nothing could ever expiate my recollection of that
indelible look which Agnes had given me the torturing impossibility of
communicating with her not knowing Beast that I was how she came to be in
London or where she stayed my disgust of the very sight of the room where the
revel had been held my racking head the smell of smoke the sight of
glasses the impossibility of going out or even getting up Oh what a day it
was
Oh what an evening when I sat down by my fire to a basin of mutton broth
dimpled all over with fat and thought I was going the way of my predecessor
and should succeed to his dismal story as well as to his chambers and had half
a mind to rush express to Dover and reveal all What an evening when Mrs
Crupp coming in to take away the brothbasin produced one kidney on a
cheeseplate as the entire remains of yesterdays feast and I was really
inclined to fall upon her nankeen breast and say in heartfelt penitence »Oh
Mrs Crupp Mrs Crupp never mind the broken meats I am very miserable«
only that I doubted even at that pass if Mrs Crupp were quite the sort of
woman to confide in
Chapter XXV
Good and Bad Angels
I was going out at my door on the morning after that deplorable day of headache
sickness and repentance with an odd confusion in my mind relative to the date
of my dinnerparty as if a body of Titans had taken an enormous lever and
pushed the day before yesterday some months back when I saw a ticketporter
coming upstairs with a letter in his hand He was taking his time about his
errand then but when he saw me on the top of the staircase looking at him
over the banisters he swung into a trot and came up panting as if he had run
himself into a state of exhaustion
»T Copperfield Esquire« said the ticketporter touching his hat with his
little cane
I could scarcely lay claim to the name I was so disturbed by the conviction
that the letter came from Agnes However I told him I was T Copperfield
Esquire and he believed it and gave me the letter which he said required an
answer I shut him out on the landing to wait for the answer and went into my
chambers again in such a nervous state that I was fain to lay the letter down
on my breakfasttable and familiarise myself with the outside of it a little
before I could resolve to break the seal
I found when I did open it that it was a very kind note containing no
reference to my condition at the theatre All it said was »My dear Trotwood I
am staying at the house of papas agent Mr Waterbrook in Elyplace Holborn
Will you come and see me today at any time you like to appoint Ever yours
affectionately AGNES«
It took me such a long time to write an answer at all to my satisfaction
that I dont know what the ticketporter can have thought unless he thought I
was learning to write I must have written half a dozen answers at least I
began one »How can I ever hope my dear Agnes to efface from your remembrance
the disgusting impression« there I didnt like it and then I tore it up I
began another »Shakspeare has observed my dear Agnes how strange it is that a
man should put an enemy into his mouth« that reminded me of Markham and it
got no farther I even tried poetry I began one note in a sixsyllable line
»Oh do not remember« but that associated itself with the fifth of November
and became an absurdity After many attempts I wrote »My dear Agnes Your
letter is like you and what could I say of it that would be higher praise than
that I will come at four oclock Affectionately and sorrowfully T C« With
this missive which I was in twenty minds at once about recalling as soon as it
was out of my hands the ticketporter at last departed
If the day were half as tremendous to any other professional gentleman in
Doctors Commons as it was to me I sincerely believe he made some expiation for
his share in that rotten old ecclesiastical cheese Although I left the office
at halfpast three and was prowling about the place of appointment within a few
minutes afterwards the appointed time was exceeded by a full quarter of an
hour according to the clock of St Andrews Holborn before I could muster up
sufficient desperation to pull the private bellhandle let into the lefthand
doorpost of Mr Waterbrooks house
The professional business of Mr Waterbrooks establishment was done on the
ground floor and the genteel business of which there was a good deal in the
upper part of the building I was shown into a pretty but rather close
drawingroom and there sat Agnes netting a purse
She looked so quiet and good and reminded me so strongly of my airy fresh
school days at Canterbury and the sodden smoky stupid wretch I had been the
other night that nobody being by I yielded to my selfreproach and shame and
in short made a fool of myself I cannot deny that I shed tears To this hour
I am undecided whether it was upon the whole the wisest thing I could have done
or the most ridiculous
»If it had been any one but you Agnes« said I turning away my head »I
should not have minded it half so much But that it should have been you who saw
me I almost wish I had been dead first«
She put her hand its touch was like no other hand upon my arm for a
moment and I felt so befriended and comforted that I could not help moving it
to my lips and gratefully kissing it
»Sit down« said Agnes cheerfully »Dont be unhappy Trotwood If you
cannot confidently trust me whom will you trust«
»Ah Agnes« I returned »You are my good Angel«
She smiled rather sadly I thought and shook her head
»Yes Agnes my good Angel Always my good Angel«
»If I were indeed Trotwood« she returned »there is one thing that I
should set my heart on very much«
I looked at her inquiringly but already with a foreknowledge of her
meaning
»On warning you« said Agnes with a steady glance »against your bad
Angel«
»My dear Agnes« I began »if you mean Steerforth «
»I do Trotwood« she returned
»Then Agnes you wrong him very much He my bad Angel or any ones He
anything but a guide a support and a friend to me My dear Agnes Now is it
not unjust and unlike you to judge him from what you saw of me the other
night«
»I do not judge him from what I saw of you the other night« she quietly
replied
»From what then«
»From many things trifles in themselves, but they do not seem to me to be
so when they are put together I judge him partly from your account of him
Trotwood and your character and the influence he has over you«
There was always something in her modest voice that seemed to touch a chord
within me answering to that sound alone It was always earnest but when it was
very earnest as it was now there was a thrill in it that quite subdued me I
sat looking at her as she cast her eyes down on her work I sat seeming still to
listen to her and Steerforth in spite of all my attachment to him darkened in
that tone
»It is very bold in me« said Agnes looking up again »who have lived in
such seclusion and can know so little of the world to give you my advice so
confidently or even to have this strong opinion But I know in what it is
engendered Trotwood in how true a remembrance of our having grown up
together and in how true an interest in all relating to you It is that which
makes me bold I am certain that what I say is right I am quite sure it is I
feel as if it were some one else speaking to you and not I when I caution you
that you have made a dangerous friend«
Again I looked at her again I listened to her after she was silent and
again his image though it was still fixed in my heart darkened
»I am not so unreasonable as to expect« said Agnes resuming her usual
tone after a little while »that you will or that you can at once change any
sentiment that has become a conviction to you least of all a sentiment that is
rooted in your trusting disposition You ought not hastily to do that I only
ask you Trotwood if you ever think of me I mean« with a quiet smile for I
was going to interrupt her and she knew why »as often as you think of me to
think of what I have said Do you forgive me for all this«
»I will forgive you Agnes« I replied »when you come to do Steerforth
justice and to like him as well as I do«
»Not until then« said Agnes
I saw a passing shadow on her face when I made this mention of him but she
returned my smile and we were again as unreserved in our mutual confidence as
of old
»And when Agnes« said I »will you forgive me the other night«
»When I recall it« said Agnes
She would have dismissed the subject so but I was too full of it to allow
that and insisted on telling her how it happened that I had disgraced myself
and what chain of accidental circumstances had had the theatre for its final
link It was a great relief to me to do this and to enlarge on the obligation
that I owed to Steerforth for his care of me when I was unable to take care of
myself
»You must not forget« said Agnes calmly changing the conversation as soon
as I had concluded »that you are always to tell me not only when you fall into
trouble but when you fall in love Who has succeeded to Miss Larkins
Trotwood«
»No one Agnes«
»Some one Trotwood« said Agnes laughing and holding up her finger
»No Agnes upon my word There is a lady certainly at Mrs Steerforths
house who is very clever and whom I like to talk to Miss Dartle but I
dont adore her«
Agnes laughed again at her own penetration and told me that if I were
faithful to her in my confidence she thought she should keep a little register
of my violent attachments with the date duration and termination of each
like the table of the reigns of the kings and queens in the History of England
Then she asked me if I had seen Uriah
»Uriah Heep« said I »No Is he in London«
»He comes to the office downstairs every day« returned Agnes »He was in
London a week before me I am afraid on disagreeable business Trotwood«
»On some business that makes you uneasy Agnes I see« said I »What can
that be«
Agnes laid aside her work and replied folding her hands upon one another,
and looking pensively at me out of those beautiful soft eyes of her
»I believe he is going to enter into partnership with papa«
»What Uriah That mean fawning fellow worm himself into such promotion«
I cried indignantly »Have you made no remonstrance about it Agnes Consider
what a connexion it is likely to be You must speak out You must not allow your
father to take such a mad step You must prevent it Agnes while theres time«
Still looking at me Agnes shook her head while I was speaking with a faint
smile at my warmth and then replied
»You remember our last conversation about papa It was not long after that
not more than two or three days when he gave me the first intimation of what I
tell you It was sad to see him struggling between his desire to represent it to
me as a matter of choice on his part and his inability to conceal that it was
forced upon him I felt very sorry«
»Forced upon him Agnes Who forces it upon him«
»Uriah« she replied after a moments hesitation »has made himself
indispensable to papa He is subtle and watchful He has mastered papas
weaknesses fostered them and taken advantage of them until to say all that
I mean in a word Trotwood until papa is afraid of him«
There was more that she might have said more that she knew or that she
suspected I clearly saw I could not give her pain by asking what it was for I
knew that she withheld it from me to spare her father It had long been going on
to this I was sensible yes I could not but feel on the least reflection
that it had been going on to this for a long time I remained silent
»His ascendancy over papa« said Agnes »is very great He professes
humility and gratitude with truth perhaps I hope so but his position is
really one of power and I fear he makes a hard use of his power«
I said he was a hound which at the moment was a great satisfaction to me
»At the time I speak of as the time when papa spoke to me« pursued Agnes
»he had told papa that he was going away that he was very sorry and unwilling
to leave but that he had better prospects Papa was very much depressed then
and more bowed down by care than ever you or I have seen him but he seemed
relieved by this expedient of the partnership though at the same time he seemed
hurt by it and ashamed of it«
»And how did you receive it Agnes«
»I did Trotwood« she replied »what I hope was right Feeling sure that it
was necessary for papas peace that the sacrifice should be made I entreated
him to make it I said it would lighten the load of his life I hope it will
and that it would give me increased opportunities of being his companion Oh
Trotwood« cried Agnes putting her hands before her face as her tears started
on it »I almost feel as if I had been papas enemy instead of his loving
child For I know how he has altered in his devotion to me I know how he has
narrowed the circle of his sympathies and duties in the concentration of his
whole mind upon me I know what a multitude of things he has shut out for my
sake and how his anxious thoughts of me have shadowed his life and weakened
his strength and energy by turning them always upon one idea If I could ever
set this right If I could ever work out his restoration as I have so
innocently been the cause of his decline«
I had never before seen Agnes cry I had seen tears in her eyes when I had
brought new honours home from school and I had seen them there when we last
spoke about her father and I had seen her turn her gentle head aside when we
took leave of one another; but I had never seen her grieve like this It made me
so sorry that I could only say in a foolish helpless manner »Pray Agnes
dont Dont my dear sister«
But Agnes was too superior to me in character and purpose as I know well
now whatever I might know or not know then to be long in need of my
entreaties The beautiful calm manner which makes her so different in my
remembrance from everybody else came back again as if a cloud had passed from
a serene sky
»We are not likely to remain alone much longer« said Agnes »and while I
have an opportunity let me earnestly entreat you Trotwood to be friendly to
Uriah Dont repel him Dont resent as I think you have a general disposition
to do what may be uncongenial to you in him He may not deserve it for we know
no certain ill of him In any case think first of papa and me«
Agnes had no time to say more for the roomdoor opened and Mrs
Waterbrook who was a large lady or who wore a large dress I dont exactly
know which for I dont know which was dress and which was lady came sailing
in I had a dim recollection of having seen her at the theatre as if I had seen
her in a pale magic lantern but she appeared to remember me perfectly and
still to suspect me of being in a state of intoxication
Finding by degrees however that I was sober and I hope that I was a
modest young gentleman Mrs Waterbrook softened towards me considerably and
inquired firstly if I went much into the parks and secondly if I went much
into society On my replying to both these questions in the negative, it
occurred to me that I fell again in her good opinion but she concealed the fact
gracefully and invited me to dinner next day I accepted the invitation and
took my leave making a call on Uriah in the office as I went out and leaving a
card for him in his absence
When I went to dinner next day and on the streetdoor being opened
plunged into a vapourbath of haunch of mutton I divined that I was not the
only guest for I immediately identified the ticketporter in disguise
assisting the family servant and waiting at the foot of the stairs to carry up
my name He looked to the best of his ability when he asked me for it
confidentially as if he had never seen me before but well did I know him and
well did he know me Conscience made cowards of us both
I found Mr Waterbrook to be a middleaged gentleman with a short throat
and a good deal of shirtcollar who only wanted a black nose to be the portrait
of a pugdog He told me he was happy to have the honour of making my
acquaintance and when I had paid my homage to Mrs Waterbrook presented me
with much ceremony to a very awful lady in a black velvet dress and a great
black velvet hat whom I remember as looking like a near relation of Hamlets
say his aunt
Mrs Henry Spiker was this ladys name and her husband was there too so
cold a man that his head instead of being grey seemed to be sprinkled with
hoarfrost Immense deference was shown to the Henry Spikers male and female
which Agnes told me was on account of Mr Henry Spiker being solicitor to
something or to somebody I forget what or which remotely connected with the
Treasury
I found Uriah Heep among the company in a suit of black and in deep
humility He told me when I shook hands with him that he was proud to be
noticed by me and that he really felt obliged to me for my condescension I
could have wished he had been less obliged to me for he hovered about me in his
gratitude all the rest of the evening and whenever I said a word to Agnes was
sure with his shadowless eyes and cadaverous face to be looking gauntly down
upon us from behind
There were other guests all iced for the occasion as it struck me like
the wine But there was one who attracted my attention before he came in on
account of my hearing him announced as Mr Traddles My mind flew back to Salem
House and could it be Tommy I thought who used to draw the skeletons
I looked for Mr Traddles with unusual interest He was a sober
steadylooking young man of retiring manners with a comic head of hair and
eyes that were rather wide open and he got into an obscure corner so soon that
I had some difficulty in making him out At length I had a good view of him and
either my vision deceived me or it was the old unfortunate Tommy
I made my way to Mr Waterbrook and said that I believed I had the
pleasure of seeing an old schoolfellow there
»Indeed« said Mr Waterbrook surprised »You are too young to have been at
school with Mr Henry Spiker«
»Oh I dont mean him« I returned »I mean the gentleman named Traddles«
»Oh Aye aye Indeed« said my host with much diminished interest
»Possibly«
»If its really the same person« said I glancing towards him »it was at a
place called Salem House where we were together and he was an excellent
fellow«
»Oh yes Traddles is a good fellow« returned my host nodding his head with
an air of toleration »Traddles is quite a good fellow«
»Its a curious coincidence« said I
»It is really« returned my host »quite a coincidence that Traddles should
be here at all as Traddles was only invited this morning when the place at
table intended to be occupied by Mrs Henry Spikers brother became vacant in
consequence of his indisposition A very gentlemanly man Mrs Henry Spikers
brother Mr Copperfield«
I murmured an assent which was full of feeling considering that I knew
nothing at all about him and I inquired what Mr Traddles was by profession
»Traddles« returned Mr Waterbrook »is a young man reading for the bar
Yes He is quite a good fellow nobodys enemy but his own«
»Is he his own enemy« said I sorry to hear this
»Well« returned Mr Waterbrook pursing up his mouth and playing with his
watchchain in a comfortable prosperous sort of way »I should say he was one
of those men who stand in their own light Yes I should say he would never for
example, be worth five hundred pound Traddles was recommended to me by a
professional friend Oh yes Yes He has a kind of talent for drawing briefs
and stating a case in writing plainly I am able to throw something in
Traddless way in the course of the year something for him considerable
Oh yes Yes«
I was much impressed by the extremely comfortable and satisfied manner in
which Mr Waterbrook delivered himself of this little word Yes every now and
then There was wonderful expression in it It completely conveyed the idea of a
man who had been born not to say with a silver spoon but with a
scalingladder and had gone on mounting all the heights of life one after
another until now he looked from the top of the fortifications with the eye
of a philosopher and a patron on the people down in the trenches
My reflections on this theme were still in progress when dinner was
announced Mr Waterbrook went down with Hamlets aunt Mr Henry Spiker took
Mrs Waterbrook Agnes whom I should have liked to take myself was given to a
simpering fellow with weak legs Uriah Traddles and I as the junior part of
the company went down last how we could I was not so vexed at losing Agnes as
I might have been since it gave me an opportunity of making myself known to
Traddles on the stairs who greeted me with great fervour while Uriah writhed
with such obtrusive satisfaction and selfabasement that I could gladly have
pitched him over the banisters
Traddles and I were separated at table being billeted in two remote
corners he in the glare of a red velvet lady I in the gloom of Hamlets aunt
The dinner was very long and the conversation was about the Aristocracy and
Blood Mrs Waterbrook repeatedly told us that if she had a weakness it was
Blood
It occurred to me several times that we should have got on better if we had
not been quite so genteel We were so exceedingly genteel that our scope was
very limited A Mr and Mrs Gulpidge were of the party who had something to do
at secondhand at least Mr Gulpidge had with the law business of the Bank
and what with the Bank and what with the Treasury we were as exclusive as the
Court Circular To mend the matter Hamlets aunt had the family failing of
indulging in soliloquy and held forth in a desultory manner by herself on
every topic that was introduced These were few enough to be sure but as we
always fell back upon Blood she had as wide a field for abstract speculation as
her nephew himself
We might have been a party of Ogres the conversation assumed such a
sanguine complexion
»I confess I am of Mrs Waterbrooks opinion« said Mr Waterbrook with his
wineglass at his eye »Other things are all very well in their way but give me
Blood«
»Oh There is nothing« observed Hamlets aunt »so satisfactory to one
There is nothing that is so much ones beauideal of of all that sort of
thing speaking generally There are some low minds not many I am happy to
believe but there are some that would prefer to do what I should call bow down
before idols Positively Idols Before services intellect and so on But these
are intangible points Blood is not so We see Blood in a nose and we know it
We meet with it in a chin and we say, There it is Thats Blood It is an
actual matter of fact. We point it out It admits of no doubt«
The simpering fellow with the weak legs who had taken Agnes down stated
the question more decisively yet I thought
»Oh you know deuce take it« said this gentleman looking round the board
with an imbecile smile »we cant forego Blood you know We must have Blood
you know Some young fellows you know may be a little behind their station
perhaps in point of education and behaviour and may go a little wrong you
know and get themselves and other people into a variety of fixes and all that
but deuce take it its delightful to reflect that theyve got Blood in em
Myself Id rather at any time be knocked down by a man who had got Blood in
him than Id be picked up by a man who hadnt«
This sentiment as compressing the general question into a nutshell gave
the utmost satisfaction and brought the gentleman into great notice until the
ladies retired After that I observed that Mr Gulpidge and Mr Henry Spiker
who had hitherto been very distant entered into a defensive alliance against
us the common enemy and exchanged a mysterious dialogue across the table for
our defeat and overthrow
»That affair of the first bond for four thousand five hundred pounds has not
taken the course that was expected Spiker« said Mr Gulpidge
»Do you mean the D of As« said Mr Spiker
»The C of Bs« said Mr Gulpidge
Mr Spiker raised his eyebrows and looked much concerned
»When the question was referred to Lord I neednt name him« said Mr
Gulpidge checking himself
»I understand« said Mr Spiker »N«
Mr Gulpidge darkly nodded »was referred to him his answer was Money or
no release«
»Lord bless my soul« cried Mr Spiker
»Money or no release« repeated Mr Gulpidge firmly »The next in
reversion you understand me«
»K« said Mr Spiker with an ominous look
» K then positively refused to sign He was attended at Newmarket for that
purpose and he pointblank refused to do it«
Mr Spiker was so interested that he became quite stony
»So the matter rests at this hour« said Mr Gulpidge throwing himself back
in his chair »Our friend Waterbrook will excuse me if I forbear to explain
myself generally on account of the magnitude of the interests involved«
Mr Waterbrook was only too happy as it appeared to me to have such
interests and such names even hinted at across his table He assumed an
expression of gloomy intelligence though I am persuaded he knew no more about
the discussion than I did and highly approved of the discretion that had been
observed Mr Spiker after the receipt of such a confidence naturally desired
to favour his friend with a confidence of his own therefore the foregoing
dialogue was succeeded by another in which it was Mr Gulpidges turn to be
surprised and that by another in which the surprise came round to Mr Spikers
turn again and so on turn and turn about All this time we the outsiders
remained oppressed by the tremendous interests involved in the conversation and
our host regarded us with pride as the victims of a salutary awe and
astonishment
I was very glad indeed to get upstairs to Agnes and to talk with her in a
corner and to introduce Traddles to her who was shy but agreeable and the
same goodnatured creature still As he was obliged to leave early on account
of going away next morning for a month I had not nearly so much conversation
with him as I could have wished but we exchanged addresses and promised
ourselves the pleasure of another meeting when he should come back to town He
was greatly interested to hear that I knew Steerforth and spoke of him with
such warmth that I made him tell Agnes what he thought of him But Agnes only
looked at me the while and very slightly shook her head when only I observed
her
As she was not among people with whom I believed she could be very much at
home I was almost glad to hear that she was going away within a few days
though I was sorry at the prospect of parting from her again so soon This
caused me to remain until all the company were gone Conversing with her and
hearing her sing was such a delightful reminder to me of my happy life in the
grave old house she had made so beautiful that I could have remained there half
the night but having no excuse for staying any longer when the lights of Mr
Waterbrooks society were all snuffed out I took my leave very much against my
inclination I felt then more than ever that she was my better Angel and if I
thought of her sweet face and placid smile as though they had shone on me from
some removed being like an Angel I hope I thought no harm
I have said that the company were all gone but I ought to have excepted
Uriah whom I dont include in that denomination and who had never ceased to
hover near us He was close behind me when I went downstairs He was close
beside me when I walked away from the house slowly fitting his long skeleton
fingers into the still longer fingers of a great Guy Fawkes pair of gloves
It was in no disposition for Uriahs company but in remembrance of the
entreaty Agnes had made to me that I asked him if he would come home to my
rooms and have some coffee
»Oh really Master Copperfield« he rejoined »I beg your pardon Mister
Copperfield but the other comes so natural I dont like that you should put
a constraint upon yourself to ask a numble person like me to your ouse«
»There is no constraint in the case« said I »Will you come«
»I should like to very much« replied Uriah with a writhe
»Well then come along« said I
I could not help being rather short with him but he appeared not to mind
it We went the nearest way without conversing much upon the road and he was
so humble in respect of those scarecrow gloves that he was still putting them
on and seemed to have made no advance in that labour when we got to my place
I led him up the dark stairs to prevent his knocking his head against
anything and really his damp cold hand felt so like a frog in mine that I was
tempted to drop it and run away Agnes and hospitality prevailed however and I
conducted him to my fireside When I lighted my candles he fell into meek
transports with the room that was revealed to him and when I heated the coffee
in an unassuming blocktin vessel in which Mrs Crupp delighted to prepare it
chiefly I believe because it was not intended for the purpose being a
shavingpot and because there was a patent invention of great price mouldering
away in the pantry he professed so much emotion that I could joyfully have
scalded him
»Oh really Master Copperfield I mean Mister Copperfield« said Uriah
»to see you waiting upon me is what I never could have expected But one way
and another so many things happen to me which I never could have expected I am
sure in my umble station that it seems to rain blessings on my ed You have
heard something I dessay of a change in my expectations Master Copperfield
I should say Mister Copperfield«
As he sat on my sofa with his long knees drawn up under his coffeecup his
hat and gloves upon the ground close to him his spoon going softly round and
round his shadowless red eyes which looked as if they had scorched their
lashes off turned towards me without looking at me the disagreeable dints I
have formerly described in his nostrils coming and going with his breath and a
snaky undulation pervading his frame from his chin to his boots I decided in my
own mind that I disliked him intensely It made me very uncomfortable to have
him for a guest for I was young then and unused to disguise what I so strongly
felt
»You have heard something I dessay of a change in my expectations Master
Copperfield I should say Mister Copperfield« observed Uriah
»Yes« said I »something«
»Ah I thought Miss Agnes would know of it« he quietly returned »Im glad
to find Miss Agnes knows of it Oh thank you Master Mister Copperfield«
I could have thrown my bootjack at him it lay ready on the rug for having
entrapped me into the disclosure of anything concerning Agnes however
immaterial But I only drank my coffee
»What a prophet you have shown yourself Mister Copperfield« pursued Uriah
»Dear me what a prophet you have proved yourself to be Dont you remember
saying to me once that perhaps I should be a partner in Mr Wickfields
business and perhaps it might be Wickfield and Heep You may not recollect it
but when a person is umble Master Copperfield a person treasures such things
up«
»I recollect talking about it« said I »though I certainly did not think it
very likely then«
»Oh who would have thought it likely Mister Copperfield« returned Uriah
enthusiastically »I am sure I didnt myself I recollect saying with my own
lips that I was much too umble So I considered myself really and truly«
He sat with that carved grin on his face looking at the fire as I looked
at him
»But the umblest persons Master Copperfield« he presently resumed »may be
the instruments of good I am glad to think I have been the instrument of good
to Mr Wickfield and that I may be more so Oh what a worthy man he is Mister
Copperfield but how imprudent he has been«
»I am sorry to hear it« said I I could not help adding rather pointedly
»on all accounts«
»Decidedly so Mister Copperfield« replied Uriah »On all accounts Miss
Agness above all You dont remember your own eloquent expressions Master
Copperfield but I remember how you said one day that everybody must admire her
and how I thanked you for it You have forgot that I have no doubt Master
Copperfield«
»No« said I drily
»Oh how glad I am you have not« exclaimed Uriah »To think that you should
be the first to kindle the sparks of ambition in my umble breast and that
youve not forgot it Oh Would you excuse me asking for a cup more coffee«
Something in the emphasis he laid upon the kindling of those sparks and
something in the glance he directed at me as he said it had made me start as if
I had seen him illuminated by a blaze of light Recalled by his request
preferred in quite another tone of voice I did the honours of the shavingpot
but I did them with an unsteadiness of hand a sudden sense of being no match
for him and a perplexed suspicious anxiety as to what he might be going to say
next which I felt could not escape his observation
He said nothing at all He stirred his coffee round and round he sipped it
he felt his chin softly with his grisly hand he looked at the fire he looked
about the room he gasped rather than smiled at me he writhed and undulated
about in his deferential servility he stirred and sipped again but he left
the renewal of the conversation to me
»So Mr Wickfield« said I at last »who is worth five hundred of you or
me« for my life I think I could not have helped dividing that part of the
sentence with an awkward jerk »has been imprudent has he Mr Heep«
»Oh very imprudent indeed Master Copperfield« returned Uriah sighing
modestly »Oh very much so But I wish youd call me Uriah if you please Its
like old times«
»Well Uriah« said I bolting it out with some difficulty
»Thank you« he returned with fervour »Thank you Master Copperfield Its
like the blowing of old breezes or the ringing of old bellses to hear you say
Uriah I beg your pardon Was I making any observation«
»About Mr Wickfield« I suggested
»Oh Yes truly« said Uriah »Ah Great imprudence Master Copperfield
Its a topic that I wouldnt touch upon to any soul but you Even to you I can
only touch upon it and no more If any one else had been in my place during the
last few years by this time he would have had Mr Wickfield oh what a worthy
man he is Master Copperfield too under his thumb Under his thumb« said
Uriah very slowly as he stretched out his cruellooking hand above my table
and pressed his own thumb down upon it until it shook and shook the room
If I had been obliged to look at him with his splay foot on Mr Wickfields
head I think I could scarcely have hated him more
»Oh dear yes Master Copperfield« he proceeded in a soft voice most
remarkably contrasting with the action of his thumb which did not diminish its
hard pressure in the least degree »theres no doubt of it There would have
been loss disgrace I dont know what all Mr Wickfield knows it I am the
umble instrument of umbly serving him and he puts me on an eminence I hardly
could have hoped to reach How thankful should I be« With his face turned
towards me as he finished but without looking at me he took his crooked thumb
off the spot where he had planted it and slowly and thoughtfully scraped his
lank jaw with it as if he were shaving himself
I recollect well how indignantly my heart beat as I saw his crafty face
with the appropriately red light of the fire upon it preparing for something
else
»Master Copperfield« he began »but am I keeping you up«
»You are not keeping me up I generally go to bed late«
»Thank you Master Copperfield I have risen from my umble station since
first you used to address me it is true but I am umble still I hope I never
shall be otherwise than umble You will not think the worse of my umbleness if
I make a little confidence to you Master Copperfield Will you«
»Oh no« said I with an effort
»Thank you« He took out his pockethandkerchief and began wiping the palms
of his hands »Miss Agnes Master Copperfield «
»Well Uriah«
»Oh how pleasant to be called Uriah spontaneously« he cried and gave
himself a jerk like a convulsive fish »You thought her looking very beautiful
tonight Master Copperfield«
»I thought her looking as she always does superior in all respects to
every one around her« I returned
»Oh thank you Its so true« he cried »Oh thank you very much for that«
»Not at all« I said loftily »There is no reason why you should thank me«
»Why that Master Copperfield« said Uriah »is in fact the confidence
that I am going to take the liberty of reposing Umble as I am« he wiped his
hands harder and looked at them and at the fire by turns »umble as my mother
is and lowly as our poor but honest roof has ever been the image of Miss Agnes
I dont mind trusting you with my secret Master Copperfield for I have always
overflowed towards you since the first moment I had the pleasure of beholding
you in a ponyshay has been in my breast for years Oh Master Copperfield
with what a pure affection do I love the ground my Agnes walks on«
I believe I had a delirious idea of seizing the redhot poker out of the
fire and running him through with it It went from me with a shock like a ball
fired from a rifle but the image of Agnes outraged by so much as a thought of
this redheaded animals remained in my mind when I looked at him sitting all
awry as if his mean soul griped his body and made me giddy He seemed to swell
and grow before my eyes the room seemed full of the echoes of his voice and
the strange feeling to which perhaps no one is quite a stranger that all
this had occurred before at some indefinite time and that I knew what he was
going to say next took possession of me
A timely observation of the sense of power that there was in his face did
more to bring back to my remembrance the entreaty of Agnes in its full force
than any effort I could have made I asked him with a better appearance of
composure than I could have thought possible a minute before whether he had
made his feelings known to Agnes
»Oh no Master Copperfield« he returned »oh dear no Not to any one but
you You see I am only just emerging from my lowly station I rest a good deal
of hope on her observing how useful I am to her father for I trust to be very
useful to him indeed Master Copperfield and how I smooth the way for him and
keep him straight Shes so much attached to her father Master Copperfield oh
what a lovely thing it is in a daughter that I think she may come on his
account to be kind to me«
I fathomed the depth of the rascals whole scheme and understood why he
laid it bare
»If youll have the goodness to keep my secret Master Copperfield« he
pursued »and not in general to go against me I shall take it as a particular
favour You wouldnt wish to make unpleasantness I know what a friendly heart
youve got but having only known me on my umble footing on my umblest I
should say for I am very umble still you might unbeknown go against me
rather with my Agnes I call her mine you see Master Copperfield Theres a
song that says Id crowns resign to call her mine I hope to do it one of
these days«
Dear Agnes So much too loving and too good for any one that I could think
of was it possible that she was reserved to be the wife of such a wretch as
this
»Theres no hurry at present you know Master Copperfield« Uriah
proceeded in his slimy way as I sat gazing at him with this thought in my
mind »My Agnes is very young still and mother and me will have to work our way
upwards and make a good many new arrangements before it would be quite
convenient So I shall have time gradually to make her familiar with my hopes
as opportunities offer Oh Im so much obliged to you for this confidence Oh
its such a relief you cant think to know that you understand our situation
and are certain as you wouldnt wish to make unpleasantness in the family not
to go against me«
He took the hand which I dared not withhold and having given it a damp
squeeze referred to his palefaced watch
»Dear me« he said »its past one The moments slip away so in the
confidence of old times Master Copperfield that its almost halfpast one«
I answered that I had thought it was later Not that I had really thought
so but because my conversational powers were effectually scattered
»Dear me« he said considering »The ouse that I am stopping at a sort of
a private hotel and boarding ouse Master Copperfield near the New River ed
will have gone to bed these two hours«
»I am sorry« I returned »that there is only one bed here and that I «
»Oh dont think of mentioning beds Master Copperfield« he rejoined
ecstatically drawing up one leg »But would you have any objections to my
laying down before the fire«
»If it comes to that« I said »pray take my bed and Ill lie down before
the fire«
His repudiation of this offer was almost shrill enough in the excess of its
surprise and humility to have penetrated to the ears of Mrs Crupp then
sleeping I suppose in a distant chamber situated at about the level of
lowwater mark soothed in her slumbers by the ticking of an incorrigible clock
to which she always referred me when we had any little difference on the score
of punctuality and which was never less than threequarters of an hour too
slow and had always been put right in the morning by the best authorities As
no arguments I could urge in my bewildered condition had the least effect upon
his modesty in inducing him to accept my bedroom I was obliged to make the best
arrangements I could for his repose before the fire The mattress of the sofa
which was a great deal too short for his lank figure the sofa pillows a
blanket the tablecover a clean breakfastcloth and a greatcoat made him a
bed and covering for which he was more than thankful Having lent him a
nightcap which he put on at once and in which he made such an awful figure
that I have never worn one since I left him to his rest
I never shall forget that night I never shall forget how I turned and
tumbled how I wearied myself with thinking about Agnes and this creature how I
considered what could I do and what ought I to do how I could come to no other
conclusion than that the best course for her peace was to do nothing and to
keep to myself what I had heard If I went to sleep for a few moments the image
of Agnes with her tender eyes and of her father looking fondly on her as I had
so often seen him look arose before me with appealing faces and filled me with
vague terrors When I awoke the recollection that Uriah was lying in the next
room sat heavy on me like a waking nightmare and oppressed me with a leaden
dread as if I had had some meaner quality of devil for a lodger
The poker got into my dozing thoughts besides and wouldnt come out I
thought between sleeping and waking that it was still red hot and I had
snatched it out of the fire and run him through the body I was so haunted at
last by the idea though I knew there was nothing in it that I stole into the
next room to look at him There I saw him lying on his back with his legs
extending to I dont know where gurglings taking place in his throat stoppages
in his nose and his mouth open like a postoffice He was so much worse in
reality than in my distempered fancy that afterwards I was attracted to him in
very repulsion and could not help wandering in and out every halfhour or so
and taking another look at him Still the long long night seemed heavy and
hopeless as ever and no promise of day was in the murky sky
When I saw him going downstairs early in the morning for thank Heaven he
would not stay to breakfast it appeared to me as if the night was going away
in his person When I went out to the Commons I charged Mrs Crupp with
particular directions to leave the windows open that my sittingroom might be
aired and purged of his presence
Chapter XXVI
I Fall into Captivity
I saw no more of Uriah Heep until the day when Agnes left town I was at the
coachoffice to take leave of her and see her go and there was he returning to
Canterbury by the same conveyance It was some small satisfaction to me to
observe his spare shortwaisted highshouldered mulberrycoloured greatcoat
perched up in company with an umbrella like a small tent on the edge of the
back seat on the roof while Agnes was of course inside but what I underwent
in my efforts to be friendly with him while Agnes looked on perhaps deserved
that little recompense At the coachwindow as at the dinnerparty he hovered
about us without a moments intermission like a great vulture gorging himself
on every syllable that I said to Agnes or Agnes said to me
In the state of trouble into which his disclosure by my fire had thrown me
I had thought very much of the words Agnes had used in reference to the
partnership »I did what I hope was right Feeling sure that it was necessary
for papas peace that the sacrifice should be made I entreated him to make it«
A miserable foreboding that she would yield to and sustain herself by the same
feeling in reference to any sacrifice for his sake had oppressed me ever since
I knew how she loved him I knew what the devotion of her nature was I knew
from her own lips that she regarded herself as the innocent cause of his errors
and as owing him a great debt she ardently desired to pay I had no consolation
in seeing how different she was from this detestable Rufus with the
mulberrycoloured greatcoat for I felt that in the very difference between
them in the self-denial of her pure soul and the sordid baseness of his the
greatest danger lay All this doubtless he knew thoroughly and had in his
cunning considered well
Yet I was so certain that the prospect of such a sacrifice afar off must
destroy the happiness of Agnes and I was so sure from her manner of its being
unseen by her then and having cast no shadow on her yet that I could as soon
have injured her as given her any warning of what impended Thus it was that we
parted without explanation she waving her hand and smiling farewell from the
coachwindow her evil genius writhing on the roof as if he had her in his
clutches and triumphed
I could not get over this farewell glimpse of them for a long time When
Agnes wrote to tell me of her safe arrival I was as miserable as when I saw her
going away Whenever I fell into a thoughtful state this subject was sure to
present itself, and all my uneasiness was sure to be redoubled Hardly a night
passed without my dreaming of it It became a part of my life and as
inseparable from my life as my own head
I had ample leisure to refine upon my uneasiness for Steerforth was at
Oxford as he wrote to me and when I was not at the Commons I was very much
alone I believe I had at this time some lurking distrust of Steerforth I wrote
to him most affectionately in reply to his but I think I was glad upon the
whole that he could not come to London just then I suspect the truth to be
that the influence of Agnes was upon me undisturbed by the sight of him and
that it was the more powerful with me because she had so large a share in my
thoughts and interest
In the meantime days and weeks slipped away I was articled to Spenlow and
Jorkins I had ninety pounds a year exclusive of my houserent and sundry
collateral matters from my aunt My rooms were engaged for twelve months
certain and though I still found them dreary of an evening and the evenings
long I could settle down into a state of equable low spirits and resign myself
to coffee which I seem on looking back to have taken by the gallon at about
this period of my existence At about this time too I made three discoveries
first that Mrs Crupp was a martyr to a curious disorder called the spazzums
which was generally accompanied with inflammation of the nose and required to
be constantly treated with peppermint secondly that something peculiar in the
temperature of my pantry made the brandybottles burst thirdly that I was
alone in the world and much given to record that circumstance in fragments of
English versification
On the day when I was articled no festivity took place beyond my having
sandwiches and sherry into the office for the clerks and going alone to the
theatre at night I went to see »The Stranger« as a Doctors Commons sort of
play and was so dreadfully cut up that I hardly knew myself in my own glass
when I got home Mr Spenlow remarked on this occasion when we concluded our
business that he should have been happy to have seen me at his house at Norwood
to celebrate our becoming connected but for his domestic arrangements being in
some disorder on account of the expected return of his daughter from finishing
her education at Paris But he intimated that when she came home he should hope
to have the pleasure of entertaining me I knew that he was a widower with one
daughter and expressed my acknowledgments
Mr Spenlow was as good as his word In a week or two he referred to this
engagement and said that if I would do him the favour to come down next
Saturday and stay till Monday he would be extremely happy Of course I said I
would do him the favour and he was to drive me down in his phaeton and to
bring me back
When the day arrived my very carpetbag was an object of veneration to the
stipendiary clerks to whom the house at Norwood was a sacred mystery One of
them informed me that he had heard that Mr Spenlow ate entirely off plate and
china and another hinted at champagne being constantly on draught after the
usual custom of table beer The old clerk with the wig whose name was Mr
Tiffey had been down on business several times in the course of his career and
had on each occasion penetrated to the breakfastparlour He described it as an
apartment of the most sumptuous nature and said that he had drank brown East
India sherry there of a quality so precious as to make a man wink
We had an adjourned cause in the Consistory that day about excommunicating
a baker who had been objecting in a vestry to a pavingrate and as the
evidence was just twice the length of Robinson Crusoe according to a
calculation I made it was rather late in the day before we finished However
we got him excommunicated for six weeks and sentenced in no end of costs and
then the bakers proctor and the judge and the advocates on both sides who
were all nearly related went out of town together and Mr Spenlow and I drove
away in the phaeton
The phaeton was a very handsome affair the horse arched their necks and
lifted up their legs as if they knew they belonged to Doctors Commons There
was a good deal of competition in the Commons on all points of display and it
turned out some very choice equipages then though I always have considered and
always shall consider that in my time the great article of competition there
was starch which I think was worn among the proctors to as great an extent as
it is in the nature of man to bear
We were very pleasant going down and Mr Spenlow gave me some hints in
reference to my profession He said it was the genteelest profession in the
world and must on no account be confounded with the profession of a solicitor
being quite another sort of thing infinitely more exclusive less mechanical
and more profitable We took things much more easily in the Commons than they
could be taken anywhere else he observed and that sets us as a privileged
class apart He said it was impossible to conceal the disagreeable fact that
we were chiefly employed by solicitors but he gave me to understand that they
were an inferior race of men universally looked down upon by all proctors of
any pretensions
I asked Mr Spenlow what he considered the best sort of professional
business He replied that a good case of a disputed will where there was a
neat little estate of thirty or forty thousand pounds was perhaps the best of
all In such a case he said not only were there very pretty pickings in the
way of arguments at every stage of the proceedings and mountains upon mountains
of evidence on interrogatory and counterinterrogatory to say nothing of an
appeal lying first to the Delegates and then to the Lords but the costs
being pretty sure to come out of the estate at last both sides went at it in a
lively and spirited manner and expense was no consideration Then he launched
into a general eulogium on the Commons What was to be particularly admired he
said in the Commons was its compactness It was the most conveniently
organised place in the world It was the complete idea of snugness It lay in a
nutshell For example: You brought a divorce case or a restitution case into
the Consistory Very good You tried it in the Consistory You made a quiet
little round game of it among a family group and you played it out at leisure
Suppose you were not satisfied with the Consistory what did you do then Why
you went into the Arches What was the Arches The same court in the same room
with the same bar and the same practitioners but another judge for there the
Consistory judge could plead any courtday as an advocate Well you played your
round game out again Still you were not satisfied Very good What did you do
then Why you went to the Delegates Who were the Delegates Why the
Ecclesiastical Delegates were the advocates without any business who had looked
on at the round game when it was playing in both courts and had seen the cards
shuffled and cut and played and had talked to all the players about it and
now came fresh as judges to settle the matter to the satisfaction of
everybody Discontented people might talk of corruption in the Commons
closeness in the Commons and the necessity of reforming the Commons said Mr
Spenlow solemnly in conclusion but when the price of wheat per bushel had been
highest the Commons had been busiest and a man might lay his hand upon his
heart and say this to the whole world »Touch the Commons and down comes the
country«
I listened to all this with attention and though I must say I had my
doubts whether the country was quite as much obliged to the Commons as Mr
Spenlow made out I respectfully deferred to his opinion That about the price
of wheat per bushel I modestly felt was too much for my strength and quite
settled the question I have never to this hour got the better of that bushel
of wheat It has reappeared to annihilate me all through my life in connexion
with all kinds of subjects I dont know now exactly what it has to do with
me or what right it has to crush me on an infinite variety of occasions but
whenever I see my old friend the bushel brought in by the head and shoulders as
he always is I observe I give up a subject for lost
This is a digression I was not the man to touch the Commons and bring down
the country I submissively expressed by my silence my acquiescence in all I
had heard from my superior in years and knowledge and we talked about »The
Stranger« and the Drama and the pair of horses until we came to Mr Spenlows
gate
There was a lovely garden to Mr Spenlows house and though that was not
the best time of the year for seeing a garden it was so beautifully kept that
I was quite enchanted There was a charming lawn there were clusters of trees
and there were perspective walks that I could just distinguish in the dark
arched over with trelliswork on which shrubs and flowers grew in the growing
season »Here Miss Spenlow walks by herself« I thought »Dear me«
We went into the house which was cheerfully lighted up and into a hall
where there were all sorts of hats caps greatcoats plaids gloves whips
and walkingsticks »Where is Miss Dora« said Mr Spenlow to the servant
»Dora« I thought »What a beautiful name«
We turned into a room near at hand I think it was the identical
breakfastroom made memorable by the brown East Indian sherry and I heard a
voice say »Mr Copperfield my daughter Dora and my daughter Doras
confidential friend« It was no doubt Mr Spenlows voice but I didnt know
it and I didnt care whose it was All was over in a moment I had fulfilled my
destiny I was a captive and a slave I loved Dora Spenlow to distraction
She was more than human to me She was a Fairy a Sylph I dont know what
she was anything that no one ever saw and everything that everybody ever
wanted I was swallowed up in an abyss of love in an instant There was no
pausing on the brink no looking down or looking back I was gone headlong
before I had sense to say a word to her
»I« observed a wellremembered voice when I had bowed and murmured
something »have seen Mr Copperfield before«
The speaker was not Dora No the confidential friend Miss Murdstone
I dont think I was much astonished To the best of my judgment no capacity
of astonishment was left in me There was nothing worth mentioning in the
material world but Dora Spenlow to be astonished about I said »How do you
do Miss Murdstone I hope you are well« She answered »Very well« I said
»How is Mr Murdstone« She replied »My brother is robust I am obliged to
you«
Mr Spenlow who I suppose had been surprised to see us recognise each
other then put in his word
»I am glad to find« he said »Copperfield that you and Miss Murdstone are
already acquainted«
»Mr Copperfield and myself« said Miss Murdstone with severe composure
»are connexions We were once slightly acquainted It was in his childish days
Circumstances have separated us since I should not have known him«
I replied that I should have known her anywhere Which was true enough
»Miss Murdstone has had the goodness« said Ms Spenlow to me »to accept
the office if I may so describe it of my daughter Doras confidential
friend My daughter Dora having unhappily no mother Miss Murdstone is
obliging enough to become her companion and protector«
A passing thought occurred to me that Miss Murdstone like the pocket
instrument called a lifepreserver was not so much designed for purposes of
protection as of assault But as I had none but passing thoughts for any subject
save Dora I glanced at her directly afterwards and was thinking that I saw
in her prettily pettish manner that she was not very much inclined to be
particularly confidential to her companion and protector when a bell rang
which Mr Spenlow said was the first dinnerbell and so carried me off to
dress
The idea of dressing ones self or doing anything in the way of action in
that state of love was a little too ridiculous I could only sit down before my
fire biting the key of my carpetbag and think of the captivating girlish
brighteyed lovely Dora What a form she had what a face she had what a
graceful variable enchanting manner
The bell rang again so soon that I made a mere scramble of my dressing
instead of the careful operation I could have wished under the circumstances
and went downstairs There was some company Dora was talking to an old
gentleman with a grey head Grey as he was and a greatgrandfather into the
bargain for he said so I was madly jealous of him
What a state of mind I was in I was jealous of everybody I couldnt bear
the idea of anybody knowing Mr Spenlow better than I did It was torturing to
me to hear them talk of occurrences in which I had had no share When a most
amiable person with a highly polished bald head asked me across the
dinnertable if that were the first occasion of my seeing the grounds I could
have done anything to him that was savage and revengeful
I dont remember who was there except Dora I have not the least idea what
we had for dinner besides Dora My impression is that I dined off Dora
entirely and sent away halfadozen plates untouched I sat next to her I
talked to her She had the most delightful little voice the gayest little
laugh the pleasantest and most fascinating little ways that ever led a lost
youth into hopeless slavery She was rather diminutive altogether So much the
more precious I thought
When she went out of the room with Miss Murdstone no other ladies were of
the party I fell into a reverie only disturbed by the cruel apprehension that
Miss Murdstone would disparage me to her The amiable creature with the polished
head told me a long story which I think was about gardening I think I heard
him say »my gardener« several times I seemed to pay the deepest attention to
him but I was wandering in a garden of Eden all the while with Dora
My apprehensions of being disparaged to the object of my engrossing
affection were revived when we went into the drawingroom by the grim and
distant aspect of Miss Murdstone But I was relieved of them in an unexpected
manner
»David Copperfield« said Miss Murdstone beckoning me aside into a window
»A word«
I confronted Miss Murdstone alone
»David Copperfield« said Miss Murdstone »I need not enlarge upon family
circumstances They are not a tempting subject«
»Far from it maam« I returned
»Far from it« assented Miss Murdstone »I do not wish to revive the memory
of past differences or of past outrages I have received outrages from a person
a female I am sorry to say for the credit of my sex who is not to be
mentioned without scorn and disgust and therefore I would rather not mention
her«
I felt very fiery on my aunts account but I said it would certainly be
better if Miss Murdstone pleased not to mention her I could not hear her
disrespectfully mentioned I added without expressing my opinion in a decided
tone
Miss Murdstone shut her eyes and disdainfully inclined her head then
slowly opening her eyes resumed
»David Copperfield I shall not attempt to disguise the fact that I formed
an unfavourable opinion of you in your childhood It may have been a mistaken
one or you may have ceased to justify it That is not in question between us
now I belong to a family remarkable I believe for some firmness and I am not
the creature of circumstance or change I may have my opinion of you You may
have your opinion of me«
I inclined my head in my turn
»But it is not necessary« said Miss Murdstone »that these opinions should
come into collision here Under existing circumstances it is as well on all
accounts that they should not As the chances of life have brought us together
again and may bring us together on other occasions I would say let us meet
here as distant acquaintances Family circumstances are a sufficient reason for
our only meeting on that footing and it is quite unnecessary that either of us
should make the other the subject of remark Do you approve of this«
»Miss Murdstone« I returned »I think you and Mr Murdstone used me very
cruelly and treated my mother with great unkindness I shall always think so
as long as I live But I quite agree in what you propose«
Miss Murdstone shut her eyes again and bent her head Then just touching
the back of my hand with the tips of her cold stiff fingers she walked away
arranging the little fetters on her wrists and round her neck which seemed to
be the same set in exactly the same state as when I had seen her last These
reminded me in reference to Miss Murdstones nature of the fetters over a
jaildoor suggesting on the outside to all beholders what was to be expected
within
All I know of the rest of the evening is that I heard the empress of my
heart sing enchanted ballads in the French language generally to the effect
that whatever was the matter we ought always to dance Ta ra la Ta ra la
accompanying herself on a glorified instrument resembling a guitar That I was
lost in blissful delirium That I refused refreshment That my soul recoiled
from punch particularly That when Miss Murdstone took her into custody and led
her away she smiled and gave me her delicious hand That I caught a view of
myself in a mirror looking perfectly imbecile and idiotic That I retired to
bed in a most maudlin state of mind and got up in a crisis of feeble
infatuation
It was a fine morning and early and I thought I would go and take a stroll
down one of those wirearched walks and indulge my passion by dwelling on her
image On my way through the hall I encountered her little dog who was called
Jip short for Gipsy I approached him tenderly for I loved even him but he
showed his whole set of teeth got under a chair expressly to snarl and
wouldnt hear of the least familiarity
The garden was cool and solitary I walked about wondering what my feelings
of happiness would be if I could ever become engaged to this dear wonder As to
marriage and fortune and all that I believe I was almost as innocently
undesigning then as when I loved little Emily To be allowed to call her Dora
to write to her to dote upon and worship her to have reason to think that when
she was with other people she was yet mindful of me seemed to me the summit of
human ambition I am sure it was the summit of mine There is no doubt whatever
that I was a lackadaisical young spooney but there was a purity of heart in all
this that prevents my having quite a contemptuous recollection of it let me
laugh as I may
I had not been walking long when I turned a corner and met her I tingle
again from head to foot as my recollection turns that corner and my pen shakes
in my hand
»You are out early Miss Spenlow« said I
»Its so stupid at home« she replied »and Miss Murdstone is so absurd She
talks such nonsense about its being necessary for the day to be aired before I
come out Aired« She laughed here in the most melodious manner »On a
Sunday morning when I dont practise I must do something So I told papa last
night I must come out Besides its the brightest time of the whole day Dont
you think so«
I hazarded a bold flight and said not without stammering that it was very
bright to me then though it had been very dark to me a minute before
»Do you mean a compliment« said Dora »or that the weather has really
changed«
I stammered worse than before in replying that I meant no compliment but
the plain truth though I was not aware of any change having taken place in the
weather It was in the state of my own feelings I added bashfully to clench
the explanation
I never saw such curls how could I for there never were such curls as
those she shook out to hide her blushes As to the straw hat and blue ribbons
which was on the top of the curls if I could only have hung it up in my room in
Buckingham Street what a priceless possession it would have been
»You have just come home from Paris« said I
»Yes« said she »Have you ever been there«
»No«
»Oh I hope youll go soon You would like it so much«
Traces of deepseated anguish appeared in my countenance That she should
hope I would go that she should think it possible I could go was
insupportable I depreciated Paris I depreciated France I said I wouldnt
leave England under existing circumstances for any earthly consideration
Nothing should induce me In short she was shaking the curls again when the
little dog came running along the walk to our relief
He was mortally jealous of me and persisted in barking at me She took him
up in her arms oh my goodness and caressed him but he persisted upon
barking still He wouldnt let me touch him when I tried and then she beat
him It increased my sufferings greatly to see the pats she gave him for
punishment on the bridge of his blunt nose while he winked his eyes and licked
her hand and still growled within himself like a little doublebass At length
he was quiet well he might be with her dimpled chin upon his head and we
walked away to look at a greenhouse
»You are not very intimate with Miss Murdstone are you« said Dora »My
pet«
The two last words were to the dog Oh if they had only been to me
»No« I replied »Not at all so«
»She is a tiresome creature« said Dora pouting »I cant think what papa
can have been about when he chose such a vexatious thing to be my companion
Who wants a protector I am sure I dont want a protector Jip can protect me a
great deal better than Miss Murdstone cant you Jip dear«
He only winked lazily when she kissed his ball of a head
»Papa calls her my confidential friend but I am sure she is no such thing
is she Jip We are not going to confide in any such cross people Jip and I We
mean to bestow our confidence where we like and to find out our own friends
instead of having them found out for us dont we Jip«
Jip made a comfortable noise in answer a little like a teakettle when it
sings As for me every word was a new heap of fetters rivetted above the last
»It is very hard because we have not a kind Mama that we are to have
instead a sulky gloomy old thing like Miss Murdstone always following us
about isnt it Jip Never mind Jip We wont be confidential and well make
ourselves as happy as we can in spite of her and well teaze her and not
please her wont we Jip«
If it had lasted any longer I think I must have gone down on my knees on
the gravel with the probability before me of grazing them and of being
presently ejected from the premises besides But by good fortune the greenhouse
was not far off and these words brought us to it
It contained quite a show of beautiful geraniums We loitered along in front
of them and Dora often stopped to admire this one or that one and I stopped to
admire the same one and Dora laughing held the dog up childishly to smell
the flowers and if we were not all three in Fairyland certainly I was The
scent of a geranium leaf at this day strikes me with a half comical half
serious wonder as to what change has come over me in a moment and then I see a
straw hat and blue ribbons and a quantity of curls and a little black dog
being held up in two slender arms against a bank of blossoms and bright
leaves
Miss Murdstone had been looking for us She found us here and presented her
uncongenial cheek the little wrinkles in it filled with hair powder to Dora to
be kissed Then she took Doras arm in hers and marched us into breakfast as if
it were a soldiers funeral
How many cups of tea I drank because Dora made it I dont know But I
perfectly remember that I sat swilling tea until my whole nervous system if I
had had any in those days must have gone by the board Byandby we went to
church Miss Murdstone was between Dora and me in the pew but I heard her sing
and the congregation vanished A sermon was delivered about Dora of course
and I am afraid that is all I know of the service
We had a quiet day No company a walk a family dinner of four and an
evening of looking over books and pictures Miss Murdstone with a homily before
her and her eye upon us keeping guard vigilantly Ah little did Mr Spenlow
imagine when he sat opposite to me after dinner that day with his
pockethandkerchief over his head how fervently I was embracing him in my
fancy as his soninlaw Little did he think when I took leave of him at
night that he had just given his full consent to my being engaged to Dora and
that I was invoking blessings on his head
We departed early in the morning for we had a Salvage case coming on in the
Admiralty Court requiring a rather accurate knowledge of the whole science of
navigation in which as we couldnt be expected to know much about those
matters in the Commons the judge had entreated two old Trinity Masters for
charitys sake to come and help him out Dora was at the breakfasttable to
make the tea again however and I had the melancholy pleasure of taking off my
hat to her in the phaeton as she stood on the doorstep with Jip in her arms
What the Admiralty was to me that day what nonsense I made of our case in
my mind as I listened to it how I saw DORA engraved upon the blade of the
silver oar which they lay upon the table as the emblem of that high
jurisdiction and how I felt when Mr Spenlow went home without me I had had an
insane hope that he might take me back again as if I were a mariner myself
and the ship to which I belonged had sailed away and left me on a desert island
I shall make no fruitless effort to describe If that sleepy old court could
rouse itself, and present in any visible form the daydreams I have had in it
about Dora it would reveal my truth
I dont mean the dreams that I dreamed on that day alone but day after day
from week to week and term to term I went there not to attend to what was
going on but to think about Dora If ever I bestowed a thought upon the cases,
as they dragged their slow length before me it was only to wonder in the
matrimonial cases remembering Dora how it was that married people could ever
be otherwise than happy and in the Prerogative cases to consider if the
money in question had been left to me what were the foremost steps I should
immediately have taken in regard to Dora Within the first week of my passion I
bought four sumptuous waistcoats not for myself I had no pride in them for
Dora and took to wearing strawcoloured kid gloves in the streets and laid
the foundations of all the corns I have ever had If the boots I wore at that
period could only be produced and compared with the natural size of my feet
they would show what the state of my heart was in a most affecting manner
And yet wretched cripple as I made myself by this act of homage to Dora I
walked miles upon miles daily in the hope of seeing her Not only was I soon as
well known on the Norwood Road as the postmen on that beat but I pervaded
London likewise I walked about the streets where the best shops for ladies
were I haunted the Bazaar like an unquiet spirit I fagged through the Park
again and again long after I was quite knocked up Sometimes at long intervals
and on rare occasions I saw her Perhaps I saw her glove waved in a carriage
window perhaps I met her walked with her and Miss Murdstone a little way and
spoke to her In the latter case I was always very miserable afterwards to
think that I had said nothing to the purpose or that she had no idea of the
extent of my devotion or that she cared nothing about me I was always looking
out as may be supposed for another invitation to Mr Spenlows house I was
always being disappointed for I got none
Mrs Crupp must have been a woman of penetration for when this attachment
was but a few weeks old and I had not had the courage to write more explicitly
even to Agnes than that I had been to Mr Spenlows house whose family I
added consists of one daughter I say Mrs Crupp must have been a woman of
penetration for even in that early stage she found it out She came up to me
one evening when I was very low to ask she being then afflicted with the
disorder I have mentioned if I could oblige her with a little tincture of
cardamums mixed with rhubarb and flavoured with seven drops of the essence of
cloves which was the best remedy for her complaint or if I had not such a
thing by me with a little brandy which was the next best It was not she
remarked so palatable to her but it was the next best As I had never even
heard of the first remedy and always had the second in the closet I gave Mrs
Crupp a glass of the second which that I might have no suspicion of its being
devoted to any improper use she began to take in my presence
»Cheer up sir« said Mrs Crupp »I cant abear to see you so sir Im a
mother myself«
I did not quite perceive the application of this fact to my self but I
smiled on Mrs Crupp as benignly as was in my power
»Come sir« said Mrs Crupp »Excuse me I know what it is sir Theres a
lady in the case«
»Mrs Crupp« I returned reddening
»Oh bless you Keep a good heart sir« said Mrs Crupp nodding
encouragement »Never say die sir If She dont smile upon you theres a many
as will You are a young gentleman to be smiled on Mr Copperfull and you must
learn your walue sir«
Mrs Crupp always called me Mr Copperfull firstly no doubt because it
was not my name and secondly I am inclined to think in some indistinct
association with a washingday
»What makes you suppose there is any young lady in the case Mrs Crupp«
said I
»Mr Copperfull« said Mrs Crupp with a great deal of feeling »Im a
mother myself«
For some time Mrs Crupp could only lay her hand upon her nankeen bosom and
fortify herself against returning pain with sips of her medicine At length she
spoke again
»When the present set were took for you by your dear aunt Mr Copperfull«
said Mrs Crupp »my remark were I had now found summun I could care for Thank
Evin were the expression I have now found summun I can care for You dont
eat enough sir nor yet drink«
»Is that what you found your supposition on Mrs Crupp« said I
»Sir« said Mrs Crupp in a tone approaching to severity »Ive laundressed
other young gentlemen besides yourself A young gentleman may be overcareful of
himself or he may be undercareful of himself He may brush his hair too
regular or too unregular He may wear his boots much too large for him or much
too small That is according as the young gentleman has his original character
formed But let him go to which extreme he may sir theres a young lady in
both of em«
Mrs Crupp shook her head in such a determined manner that I had not an
inch of vantageground left
»It was but the gentleman which died here before yourself« said Mrs Crupp
»that fell in love with a barmaid and had his waistcoats took in directly
though much swelled by drinking«
»Mrs Crupp« said I »I must beg you not to connect the young lady in my
case with a barmaid or anything of that sort if you please«
»Mr Copperfull« returned Mrs Crupp »Im a mother myself and not likely
I ask your pardon sir if I intrude I should never wish to intrude where I
were not welcome But you are a young gentleman Mr Copperfull and my adwice
to you is to cheer up sir to keep a good heart and to know your own walue
If you was to take to something sir« said Mrs Crupp »if you was to take to
skittles now which is healthy you might find it divert your mind and do you
good«
With these words Mrs Crupp affecting to be very careful of the brandy
which was all gone thanked me with a majestic curtsey and retired As her
figure disappeared into the gloom of the entry this counsel certainly presented
itself to my mind in the light of a slight liberty on Mrs Crupps part but at
the same time I was content to receive it in another point of view as a word
to the wise and a warning in future to keep my secret better
Chapter XXVII
Tommy Traddles
It may have been in consequence of Mrs Crupps advice and perhaps for no
better reason than because there was a certain similarity in the sound of the
word skittles and Traddles that it came into my head next day to go and look
after Traddles The time he had mentioned was more than out and he lived in a
little street near the Veterinary College at Camden Town which was principally
tenanted as one of our clerks who lived in that direction informed me by
gentlemen students who bought live donkeys and made experiments on those
quadrupeds in their private apartments Having obtained from this clerk a
direction to the academic grove in question I set out the same afternoon to
visit my old schoolfellow
I found that the street was not as desirable a one as I could have wished it
to be for the sake of Traddles The inhabitants appeared to have a propensity
to throw any little trifles they were not in want of into the road which not
only made it rank and sloppy but untidy too on account of the cabbageleaves
The refuse was not wholly vegetable either for I myself saw a shoe a
doubledup saucepan a black bonnet and an umbrella in various stages of
decomposition as I was looking out for the number I wanted
The general air of the place reminded me forcibly of the days when I lived
with Mr and Mrs Micawber An indescribable character of faded gentility that
attached to the house I sought and made it unlike all the other houses in the
street though they were all built on one monotonous pattern and looked like
the early copies of a blundering boy who was learning to make houses and had
not yet got out of his cramped brickandmortar pothooks reminded me still
more of Mr and Mrs Micawber Happening to arrive at the door as it was opened
to the afternoon milkman I was reminded of Mr and Mrs Micawber more forcibly
yet
»Now« said the milkman to a very youthful servant girl »Has that there
little bill of mine been heerd on«
»Oh master says hell attend to it immediate« was the reply
»Because« said the milkman going on as if he had received no answer and
speaking as I judged from his tone rather for the edification of somebody
within the house than of the youthful servant an impression which was
strengthened by his manner of glaring down the passage »because that there
little bill has been running so long that I begin to believe its run away
altogether and never wont be heerd of Now Im not a going to stand it you
know« said the milkman still throwing his voice into the house and glaring
down the passage
As to his dealing in the mild article of milk bythebye there never was a
greater anomaly His deportment would have been fierce in a butcher or a
brandymerchant
The voice of the youthful servant became faint but she seemed to me from
the action of her lips again to murmur that it would be attended to immediate
»I tell you what« said the milkman looking hard at her for the first time
and taking her by the chin »are you fond of milk«
»Yes I likes it« she replied
»Good« said the milkman »Then you wont have none tomorrow Dye hear
Not a fragment of milk you wont have tomorrow«
I thought she seemed upon the whole relieved by the prospect of having
any today The milkman after snaking his head at her darkly released her
chin and with anything rather than goodwill opened his can and deposited the
usual quantity in the family jug This done he went away muttering and
uttered the cry of his trade next door in a vindictive shriek
»Does Mr Traddles live here« I then inquired
A mysterious voice from the end of the passage replied »Yes« Upon which the
youthful servant replied »Yes«
»Is he at home« said I
Again the mysterious voice replied in the affirmative and again the servant
echoed it Upon this I walked in and in pursuance of the servants directions
walked upstairs conscious as I passed the back parlourdoor that I was
surveyed by a mysterious eye probably belonging to the mysterious voice
When I got to the top of the stairs the house was only a story high above
the ground floor Traddles was on the landing to meet me He was delighted to
see me and gave me welcome with great heartiness to his little room It was
in the front of the house and extremely neat though sparely furnished It was
his only room I saw for there was a sofabedstead in it and his
blackingbrushes and blacking were among his books on the top shelf behind a
dictionary His table was covered with papers and he was hard at work in an old
coat I looked at nothing that I know of but I saw everything even to the
prospect of a church upon his china inkstand as I sat down and this too was
a faculty confirmed in me in the old Micawber times Various ingenious
arrangements he had made for the disguise of his chest of drawers and the
accommodation of his boots his shavingglass and so forth particularly
impressed themselves upon me as evidences of the same Traddles who used to make
models of elephants dens in writingpaper to put flies in and to comfort
himself under ill usage with the memorable works of art I have so often
mentioned
In a corner of the room was something neatly covered up with a large white
cloth I could not make out what that was
»Traddles« said I shaking hands with him again after I had sat down »I
am delighted to see you«
»I am delighted to see you Copperfield« he returned »I am very glad
indeed to see you It was because I was thoroughly glad to see you when we met
in Ely Place and was sure you were thoroughly glad to see me that I gave you
this address instead of my address at chambers«
»Oh You have chambers« said I
»Why I have the fourth of a room and a passage and the fourth of a clerk«
returned Traddles »Three others and myself unite to have a set of chambers to
look businesslike and we quarter the clerk too Halfacrown a week he costs
me«
His old simple character and good temper and something of his old unlucky
fortune also I thought smiled at me in the smile with which he made this
explanation
»Its not because I have the least pride Copperfield you understand« said
Traddles »that I dont usually give my address here Its only on account of
those who come to me who might not like to come here For myself I am fighting
my way on in the world against difficulties and it would be ridiculous if I
made a pretence of doing anything else«
»You are reading for the bar Mr Waterbrook informed me« said I
»Why yes« said Traddles rubbing his hands slowly over one another, »I am
reading for the bar The fact is I have just begun to keep my terms after
rather a long delay Its some time since I was articled but the payment of
that hundred pounds was a great pull A great pull« said Traddles with a
wince as if he had had a tooth out
»Do you know what I cant help thinking of Traddles as I sit here looking
at you« I asked him
»No« said he
»That skyblue suit you used to wear«
»Lord to be sure« cried Traddles laughing »Tight in the arms and legs
you know Dear me Well Those were happy times werent they«
»I think our schoolmaster might have made them happier without doing any
harm to any of us I acknowledge« I returned
»Perhaps he might« said Traddles »But dear me there was a good deal of
fun going on Do you remember the nights in the bedroom When we used to have
the suppers And when you used to tell the stories Ha ha ha And do you
remember when I got caned for crying about Mr Mell Old Creakle I should like
to see him again too«
»He was a brute to you Traddles« said I indignantly for his goodhumour
made me feel as if I had seen him beaten but yesterday
»Do you think so« returned Traddles »Really Perhaps he was rather But
its all over a long while Old Creakle«
»You were brought up by an uncle then« said I
»Of course I was« said Traddles »The one I was always going to write to
And always didnt eh Ha ha ha Yes I had an uncle then He died soon after
I left school«
»Indeed«
»Yes He was a retired what do you call it draper clothmerchant
and had made me his heir But he didnt like me when I grew up«
»Do you really mean that« said I He was so composed that I fancied he
must have some other meaning
»Oh dear yes Copperfield I mean it« replied Traddles »It was an
unfortunate thing but he didnt like me at all He said I wasnt at all what he
expected and so he married his housekeeper«
»And what did you do« I asked
»I didnt do anything in particular« said Traddles »I lived with them
waiting to be put out in the world until his gout unfortunately flew to his
stomach and so he died and so she married a young man and so I wasnt
provided for«
»Did you get nothing Traddles after all«
»Oh dear yes« said Traddles »I got fifty pounds I had never been brought
up to any profession and at first I was at a loss what to do for myself
However I began with the assistance of the son of a professional man who had
been to Salem House Yawler with his nose on one side Do you recollect him«
No He had not been there with me all the noses were straight in my day
»It dont matter« said Traddles »I began by means of his assistance to
copy law writings That didnt answer very well and then I began to state cases
for them and make abstracts and do that sort of work For I am a plodding kind
of fellow Copperfield and had learnt the way of doing such things pithily
Well That put it in my head to enter myself as a law student and that ran away
with all that was left of the fifty pounds Yawler recommended me to one or two
other offices however Mr Waterbrooks for one and I got a good many jobs
I was fortunate enough too to become acquainted with a person in the
publishing way who was getting up an Encyclopædia and he set me to work and
indeed« glancing at his table »I am at work for him at this minute I am not
a bad compiler Copperfield« said Traddles preserving the same air of cheerful
confidence in all he said »but I have no invention at all not a particle I
suppose there never was a young man with less originality than I have«
As Traddles seemed to expect that I should assent to this as a matter of
course I nodded and he went on with the same sprightly patience I can find
no better expression as before
»So by little and little and not living high I managed to scrape up the
hundred pounds at last« said Traddles »and thank Heaven thats paid though
it was though it certainly was« said Traddles wincing again as if he had had
another tooth out »a pull I am living by the sort of work I have mentioned
still and I hope one of these days to get connected with some newspaper
which would almost be the making of my fortune Now Copperfield you are so
exactly what you used to be with that agreeable face and its so pleasant to
see you that I shant conceal anything Therefore you must know that I am
engaged«
Engaged Oh Dora
»She is a curates daughter« said Traddles »one of ten down in
Devonshire Yes« For he saw me glance involuntarily at the prospect on the
inkstand »Thats the church You come round here to the left out of this
gate« tracing his finger along the inkstand »and exactly where I hold this
pen there stands the house facing you understand towards the church«
The delight with which he entered into these particulars did not fully
present itself to me until afterwards for my selfish thoughts were making a
groundplan of Mr Spenlows house and garden at the same moment
»She is such a dear girl« said Traddles »a little older than me but the
dearest girl I told you I was going out of town I have been down there I
walked there and I walked back and I had the most delightful time I dare say
ours is likely to be a rather long engagement but our motto is Wait and hope
We always say that Wait and hope we always say And she would wait
Copperfield till she was sixty any age you can mention for me«
Traddles rose from his chair and with a triumphant smile put his hand
upon the white cloth I had observed
»However« he said »its not that we havent made a beginning towards
housekeeping No no we have begun We must get on by degrees but we have
begun Here« drawing the cloth off with great pride and care »are two pieces
of furniture to commence with This flowerpot and stand she bought herself
You put that in a parlourwindow« said Traddles falling a little back from it
to survey it with the greater admiration »with a plant in it and and there
you are This little round table with the marble top its two feet ten in
circumference I bought You want to lay a book down you know or somebody
comes to see you or your wife and wants a place to stand a cup of tea upon and
and there you are again« said Traddles »Its an admirable piece of
workmanship firm as a rock«
I praised them both highly and Traddles replaced the covering as carefully
as he had removed it
»Its not a great deal towards the furnishing« said Traddles »but its
something The tablecloths and pillowcases and articles of that kind are
what discourage me most Copperfield So does the ironmongery candleboxes
and gridirons and that sort of necessaries because those things tell and
mount up However wait and hope And I assure you shes the dearest girl«
»I am quite certain of it« said I
»In the meantime« said Traddles coming back to his chair »and this is the
end of my prosing about myself I get on as well as I can I dont make much
but I dont spend much In general I board with the people downstairs who are
very agreeable people indeed Both Mr and Mrs Micawber have seen a good deal
of life and are excellent company«
»My dear Traddles« I quickly exclaimed »What are you talking about«
Traddles looked at me as if he wondered what I was talking about
»Mr and Mrs Micawber« I repeated »Why I am intimately acquainted with
them«
An opportune double knock at the door which I knew well from old experience
in Windsor Terrace and which nobody but Mr Micawber could ever have knocked at
that door resolved any doubt in my mind as to their being my old friends I
begged Traddles to ask his landlord to walk up Traddles accordingly did so
over the banister and Mr Micawber not a bit changed his tights his stick
his shirtcollar and his eyeglass all the same as ever came into the room
with a genteel and youthful air
»I beg your pardon Mr Traddles« said Mr Micawber with the old roll in
his voice as he checked himself in humming a soft tune »I was not aware that
there was any individual alien to this tenement in your sanctum«
Mr Micawber slightly bowed to me and pulled up his shirtcollar
»How do you do Mr Micawber« said I
»Sir« said Mr Micawber »you are exceedingly obliging I am in statu quo«
»And Mrs Micawber« I pursued
»Sir« said Mr Micawber »she is also, thank God in statu quo«
»And the children Mr Micawber«
»Sir« said Mr Micawber »I rejoice to reply that they are likewise in
the enjoyment of salubrity«
All this time Mr Micawber had not known me in the least though he had
stood face to face with me But now seeing me smile he examined my features
with more attention fell back cried »Is it possible Have I the pleasure of
again beholding Copperfield« and shook me by both hands with the utmost
fervour
»Good Heaven Mr Traddles« said Mr Micawber »to think that I should find
you acquainted with the friend of my youth the companion of earlier days My
dear« calling over the banisters to Mrs Micawber while Traddles looked with
reason not a little amazed at this description of me »Here is a gentleman in
Mr Traddless apartment whom he wishes to have the pleasure of presenting to
you my love«
Mr Micawber immediately reappeared and shook hands with me again
»And how is our good friend the Doctor Copperfield« said Mr Micawber
»and all the circle at Canterbury«
»I have none but good accounts of them« said I
»I am most delighted to hear it« said Mr Micawber »It was at Canterbury
where we last met Within the shadow I may figuratively say of that religious
edifice immortalized by Chaucer which was anciently the resort of Pilgrims
from the remotest corners of in short« said Mr Micawber »in the immediate
neighbourhood of the Cathedral«
I replied that it was Mr Micawber continued talking as volubly as he
could but not I thought without showing by some marks of concern in his
countenance that he was sensible of sounds in the next room as of Mrs
Micawber washing her hands and hurriedly opening and shutting drawers that were
uneasy in their action
»You find us Copperfield« said Mr Micawber with one eye on Traddles »at
present established on what may be designated as a small and unassuming scale
but you are aware that I have in the course of my career surmounted
difficulties and conquered obstacles You are no stranger to the fact that
there have been periods of my life when it has been requisite that I should
pause until certain expected events should turn up when it has been necessary
that I should fall back before making what I trust I shall not be accused of
presumption in terming a spring The present is one of those momentous stages
in the life of man You find me fallen back for a spring and I have every
reason to believe that a vigorous leap will shortly be the result«
I was expressing my satisfaction when Mrs Micawber came in a little more
slatternly than she used to be or so she seemed now to my unaccustomed eyes
but still with some preparation of herself for company and with a pair of brown
gloves on
»My dear« said Mr Micawber leading her towards me »Here is a gentleman
of the name of Copperfield who wishes to renew his acquaintance with you«
It would have been better as it turned out to have led gently up to this
announcement for Mrs Micawber being in a delicate state of health was
overcome by it and was taken so unwell that Mr Micawber was obliged in great
trepidation to run down to the waterbutt in the back yard and draw a basinful
to lave her brow with She presently revived however and was really pleased to
see me We had halfanhours talk all together and I asked her about the
twins who she said were »grown great creatures« and after Master and Miss
Micawber whom she described as »absolute giants« but they were not produced on
that occasion
Mr Micawber was very anxious that I should stay to dinner I should not
have been averse to do so but that I imagined I detected trouble and
calculation relative to the extent of the cold meat in Mrs Micawbers eye I
therefore pleaded another engagement and observing that Mrs Micawbers spirits
were immediately lightened I resisted all persuasion to forego it
But I told Traddles and Mr and Mrs Micawber that before I could think of
leaving they must appoint a day when they would come and dine with me The
occupations to which Traddles stood pledged rendered it necessary to fix a
somewhat distant one but an appointment was made for the purpose that suited
us all and then I took my leave
Mr Micawber under pretence of showing me a nearer way than that by which I
had come accompanied me to the corner of the street being anxious he
explained to me to say a few words to an old friend in confidence
»My dear Copperfield« said Mr Micawber »I need hardly tell you that to
have beneath our roof under existing circumstances a mind like that which
gleams if I may be allowed the expression which gleams in your friend
Traddles is an unspeakable comfort With a washerwoman who exposes hardbake
for sale in her parlourwindow dwelling next door and a Bowstreet officer
residing over the way you may imagine that his society is a source of
consolation to myself and to Mrs Micawber I am at present my dear
Copperfield engaged in the sale of corn upon commission It is not an avocation
of a remunerative description in other words, it does not pay and some
temporary embarrassments of a pecuniary nature have been the consequence I am
however delighted to add that I have now an immediate prospect of something
turning up I am not at liberty to say in what direction which I trust will
enable me to provide permanently both for myself and for your friend Traddles
in whom I have an unaffected interest You may perhaps be prepared to hear
that Mrs Micawber is in a state of health which renders it not wholly
improbable that an addition may be ultimately made to those pledges of affection
which in short to the infantine group Mrs Micawbers family have been so
good as to express their dissatisfaction at this state of things I have merely
to observe that I am not aware it is any business of theirs and that I repel
that exhibition of feeling with scorn and with defiance«
Mr Micawber then shook hands with me again and left me
Chapter XXVIII
Mr Micawbers Gauntlet
Until the day arrived on which I was to entertain my newlyfound old friends I
lived principally on Dora and coffee In my lovelorn condition my appetite
languished and I was glad of it for I felt as though it would have been an act
of perfidy towards Dora to have a natural relish for my dinner The quantity of
walking exercise I took was not in this respect attended with its usual
consequence as the disappointment counteracted the fresh air I have my doubts
too founded on the acute experience acquired at this period of my life whether
a sound enjoyment of animal food can develop itself freely in any human subject
who is always in torment from tight boots I think the extremities require to be
at peace before the stomach will conduct itself with vigour
On the occasion of this domestic little party I did not repeat my former
extensive preparations I merely provided a pair of soles a small leg of
mutton and a pigeonpie Mrs Crupp broke out into rebellion on my first
bashful hint in reference to the cooking of the fish and joint and said with a
dignified sense of injury »No No sir You will not ask me sich a thing for
you are better acquainted with me than to suppose me capable of doing what I
cannot do with ampial satisfaction to my own feelings« But in the end a
compromise was effected and Mrs Crupp consented to achieve this feat on
condition that I dined from home for a fortnight afterwards
And here I may remark that what I underwent from Mrs Crupp in consequence
of the tyranny she established over me was dreadful I never was so much afraid
of any one We made a compromise of everything If I hesitated she was taken
with that wonderful disorder which was always lying in ambush in her system
ready at the shortest notice to prey upon her vitals If I rang the bell
impatiently after halfadozen unavailing modest pulls and she appeared at
last which was not by any means to be relied upon she would appear with a
reproachful aspect sink breathless on a chair near the door lay her hand upon
her nankeen bosom and become so ill that I was glad at any sacrifice of
brandy or anything else to get rid of her If I objected to having my bed made
at five oclock in the afternoon which I do still think an uncomfortable
arrangement one motion of her hand towards the same nankeen region of wounded
sensibility was enough to make me falter an apology In short I would have done
anything in an honourable way rather than give Mrs Crupp offence and she was
the terror of my life
I bought a secondhand dumbwaiter for this dinnerparty in preference to
reengaging the handy young man against whom I had conceived a prejudice in
consequence of meeting him in the Strand one Sunday morning in a waistcoat
remarkably like one of mine which had been missing since the former occasion
The young gal was reengaged but on the stipulation that she should only bring
in the dishes and then withdraw to the landingplace beyond the outer door
where a habit of sniffing she had contracted would be lost upon the guests and
where her retiring on the plates would be a physical impossibility
Having laid in the materials for a bowl of punch to be compounded by Mr
Micawber having provided a bottle of lavenderwater two wax candles a paper
of mixed pins and a pincushion to assist Mrs Micawber in her toilette at my
dressingtable having also caused the fire in my bedroom to be lighted for Mrs
Micawbers convenience and having laid the cloth with my own hands I awaited
the result with composure
At the appointed time my three visitors arrived together Mr Micawber with
more shirtcollar than usual and a new ribbon to his eyeglass Mrs Micawber
with her cap in a whitybrown paper parcel Traddles carrying the parcel and
supporting Mrs Micawber on his arm They were all delighted with my residence
When I conducted Mrs Micawber to my dressingtable and she saw the scale on
which it was prepared for her she was in such raptures that she called Mr
Micawber to come in and look
»My dear Copperfield« said Mr Micawber »this is luxurious This is a way
of life which reminds me of the period when I was myself in a state of celibacy
and Mrs Micawber had not yet been solicited to plight her faith at the Hymeneal
altar«
»He means solicited by him Mr Copperfield« said Mrs Micawber archly
»He cannot answer for others«
»My dear« returned Mr Micawber with sudden seriousness »I have no desire
to answer for others I am too well aware that when in the inscrutable decrees
of Fate you were reserved for me it is possible you may have been reserved for
one destined after a protracted struggle at length to fall a victim to
pecuniary involvements of a complicated nature I understand your allusion my
love I regret it but I can bear it«
»Micawber« exclaimed Mrs Micawber in tears »Have I deserved this I who
never have deserted you who never will desert you Micawber«
»My love« said Mr Micawber much affected »you will forgive and our old
and tried friend Copperfield will I am sure forgive the momentary laceration
of a wounded spirit made sensitive by a recent collision with the Minion of
Power in other words, with a ribald Turncock attached to the waterworks and
will pity not condemn its excesses«
Mr Micawber then embraced Mrs Micawber and pressed my hand leaving me to
infer from this broken allusion that his domestic supply of water had been cut
off that afternoon in consequence of default in the payment of the companys
rates
To divert his thoughts from this melancholy subject I informed Mr Micawber
that I relied upon him for a bowl of punch and led him to the lemons His
recent despondency not to say despair was gone in a moment I never saw a man
so thoroughly enjoy himself amid the fragrance of lemonpeel and sugar the
odour of burning rum and the steam of boiling water as Mr Micawber did that
afternoon It was wonderful to see his face shining at us out of a thin cloud of
these delicate fumes as he stirred and mixed and tasted and looked as if he
were making instead of punch a fortune for his family down to the latest
posterity As to Mrs Micawber I dont know whether it was the effect of the
cap or the lavenderwater or the pins or the fire or the wax candles but
she came out of my room comparatively speaking lovely And the lark was never
gayer than that excellent woman
I suppose I never ventured to inquire but I suppose that Mrs Crupp
after frying the soles was taken ill Because we broke down at that point The
leg of mutton came up very red within and very pale without besides having a
foreign substance of a gritty nature sprinkled over it as if it had had a fall
into the ashes of that remarkable kitchen fireplace But we were not in a
condition to judge of this fact from the appearance of the gravy forasmuch as
the young gal had dropped it all upon the stairs where it remained
bythebye in a long train until it was worn out The pigeonpie was not bad
but it was a delusive pie the crust being like a disappointing head
phrenologically speaking full of lumps and bumps with nothing particular
underneath In short the banquet was such a failure that I should have been
quite unhappy about the failure I mean for I was always unhappy about Dora
if I had not been relieved by the great goodhumour of my company and by a
bright suggestion from Mr Micawber
»My dear friend Copperfield« said Mr Micawber »accidents will occur in
the bestregulated families and in families not regulated by that pervading
influence which sanctifies while it enhances the a I would say in short by
the influence of Woman in the lofty character of Wife they may be expected
with confidence and must be borne with philosophy If you will allow me to take
the liberty of remarking that there are few comestibles better in their way
than a Devil and that I believe with a little division of labour we could
accomplish a good one if the young person in attendance could produce a
gridiron I would put it to you that this little misfortune may be easily
repaired«
There was a gridiron in the pantry on which my morning rasher of bacon was
cooked We had it in in a twinkling and immediately applied ourselves to
carrying Mr Micawbers idea into effect The division of labour to which he had
referred was this Traddles cut the mutton into slices Mr Micawber who
could do anything of this sort to perfection covered them with pepper mustard
salt and cayenne I put them on the gridiron turned them with a fork and took
them off under Mr Micawbers direction and Mrs Micawber heated and
continually stirred some mushroom ketchup in a little saucepan When we had
slices enough done to begin upon we fellto with our sleeves still tucked up
at the wrist more slices sputtering and blazing on the fire and our attention
divided between the mutton on our plates and the mutton then preparing
What with the novelty of this cookery the excellence of it the bustle of
it the frequent starting up to look after it the frequent sitting down to
dispose of it as the crisp slices came off the gridiron hot and hot the being
so busy so flushed with the fire so amused and in the midst of such a
tempting noise and savour we reduced the leg of mutton to the bone My own
appetite came back miraculously I am ashamed to record it but I really believe
I forgot Dora for a little while I am satisfied that Mr and Mrs Micawber
could not have enjoyed the feast more if they had sold a bed to provide it
Traddles laughed as heartily almost the whole time as he ate and worked
Indeed we all did all at once and I dare say there never was a greater
success
We were at the height of our enjoyment and were all busily engaged in our
several departments endeavouring to bring the last batch of slices to a state
of perfection that should crown the feast when I was aware of a strange
presence in the room and my eyes encountered those of the staid Littimer
standing hat in hand before me
»Whats the matter« I involuntarily asked
»I beg your pardon sir I was directed to come in Is my master not here
sir«
»No«
»Have you not seen him sir«
»No dont you come from him«
»Not immediately so sir«
»Did he tell you you would find him here«
»Not exactly so sir But I should think he might be here tomorrow as he
has not been here today«
»Is he coming up from Oxford«
»I beg sir« he returned respectfully »that you will be seated and allow
me to do this« With which he took the fork from my unresisting hand and bent
over the gridiron as if his whole attention were concentrated on it
We should not have been much discomposed I dare say by the appearance of
Steerforth himself but we became in a moment the meekest of the meek before his
respectable servingman Mr Micawber humming a tune to show that he was quite
at ease subsided into his chair with the handle of a hastily concealed fork
sticking out of the bosom of his coat as if he had stabbed himself Mrs
Micawber put on her brown gloves and assumed a genteel languor Traddles ran
his greasy hands through his hair and stood it bolt upright and stared in
confusion on the tablecloth As for me I was a mere infant at the head of my
own table and hardly ventured to glance at the respectable phenomenon who had
come from Heaven knows where to put my establishment to rights
Meanwhile he took the mutton off the gridiron and gravely handed it round
We all took some but our appreciation of it was gone and we merely made a show
of eating it As we severally pushed away our plates he noiselessly removed
them and set on the cheese He took that off too when it was done with
cleared the table piled everything on the dumbwaiter gave us our
wineglasses and of his own accord wheeled the dumbwaiter into the pantry
All this was done in a perfect manner and he never raised his eyes from what he
was about Yet his very elbows when he had his back towards me seemed to teem
with the expression of his fixed opinion that I was extremely young
»Can I do anything more sir«
I thanked him and said No but would he take no dinner himself
»None I am obliged to you sir«
»Is Mr Steerforth coming from Oxford«
»I beg your pardon sir «
»Is Mr Steerforth coming from Oxford«
»I should imagine that he might be here tomorrow sir I rather thought he
might have been here today sir The mistake is mine no doubt sir«
»If you should see him first « said I
»If youll excuse me sir I dont think I shall see him first«
»In case you do« said I »pray say that I am sorry he was not here today
as an old schoolfellow of his was here«
»Indeed sir« and he divided a bow between me and Traddles with a glance
at the latter
He was moving softly to the door when in a forlorn hope of saying
something naturally which I never could to this man I said
»Oh Littimer«
»Sir«
»Did you remain long at Yarmouth that time«
»Not particularly so sir«
»You saw the boat completed«
»Yes sir I remained behind on purpose to see the boat completed«
»I know« He raised his eyes to mine respectfully »Mr Steerforth has not
seen it yet I suppose«
»I really cant say sir I think but I really cant say sir I wish you
good night sir«
He comprehended everybody present in the respectful bow with which he
followed these words and disappeared My visitors seemed to breathe more freely
when he was gone but my own relief was very great for besides the constraint
arising from that extraordinary sense of being at a disadvantage which I always
had in this mans presence my conscience had embarrassed me with whispers that
I had mistrusted his master and I could not repress a vague uneasy dread that
he might find it out How was it having so little in reality to conceal that I
always did feel as if this man were finding me out
Mr Micawber roused me from this reflection which was blended with a
certain remorseful apprehension of seeing Steerforth himself by bestowing many
encomiums on the absent Littimer as a most respectable fellow and a thoroughly
admirable servant Mr Micawber I may remark had taken his full share of the
general bow and had received it with infinite condescension
»But punch my dear Copperfield« said Mr Micawber tasting it »like time
and tide waits for no man Ah it is at the present moment in high flavour My
love will you give me your opinion«
Mrs Micawber pronounced it excellent
»Then I will drink« said Mr Micawber »if my friend Copperfield will
permit me to take that social liberty to the days when my friend Copperfield
and myself were younger and fought our way in the world side by side I may
say of myself and Copperfield in words we have sung together before now that
We twa hae run about the braes
And pud the gowans fine
in a figurative point of view on several occasions I am not exactly aware«
said Mr Micawber with the old roll in his voice and the old indescribable air
of saying something genteel »what gowans may be but I have no doubt that
Copperfield and myself would frequently have taken a pull at them if it had
been feasible«
Mr Micawber at the then present moment took a pull at his punch So we
all did Traddles evidently lost in wondering at what distant time Mr Micawber
and I could have been comrades in the battle of the world
»Ahem« said Mr Micawber clearing his throat and warming with the punch
and with the fire »My dear another glass«
Mrs Micawber said it must be very little but we couldnt allow that so it
was a glassful
»As we are quite confidential here Mr Copperfield« said Mrs Micawber
sipping her punch »Mr Traddles being a part of our domesticity I should much
like to have your opinion on Mr Micawbers prospects For corn« said Mrs
Micawber argumentatively »as I have repeatedly said to Mr Micawber may be
gentlemanly but it is not remunerative Commission to the extent of two and
ninepence in a fortnight cannot however limited our ideas, be considered
remunerative«
We were all agreed upon that
»Then« said Mrs Micawber who prided herself on taking a clear view of
things and keeping Mr Micawber straight by her womans wisdom when he might
otherwise go a little crooked »then I ask myself this question If corn is not
to be relied upon what is Are coals to be relied upon Not at all We have
turned our attention to that experiment on the suggestion of my family and we
find it fallacious«
Mr Micawber leaning back in his chair with his hands in his pockets eyed
us aside and nodded his head as much as to say that the case was very clearly
put
»The articles of corn and coals« said Mrs Micawber still more
argumentatively »being equally out of the question Mr Copperfield I
naturally look round the world and say What is there in which a person of Mr
Micawbers talent is likely to succeed And I exclude the doing anything on
commission because commission is not a certainty What is best suited to a
person of Mr Micawbers peculiar temperament is I am convinced a certainty«
Traddles and I both expressed by a feeling murmur that this great
discovery was no doubt true of Mr Micawber and that it did him much credit
»I will not conceal from you my dear Mr Copperfield« said Mrs Micawber
»that I have long felt the Brewing business to be particularly adapted to Mr
Micawber Look at Barclay and Perkins Look at Truman Hanbury and Buxton It
is on that extensive footing that Mr Micawber I know from my own knowledge of
him is calculated to shine and the profits I am told are eNORmous But if
Mr Micawber cannot get into those firms which decline to answer his letters
when he offers his services even in an inferior capacity what is the use of
dwelling upon that idea None I may have a conviction that Mr Micawbers
manners «
»Hem Really my dear« interposed Mr Micawber
»My love be silent« said Mrs Micawber laying her brown glove on his
hand »I may have a conviction Mr Copperfield that Mr Micawbers manners
peculiarly qualify him for the Banking business I may argue within myself that
if I had a deposit at a bankinghouse the manners of Mr Micawber as
representing that bankinghouse would inspire confidence and must extend the
connexion But if the various bankinghouses refuse to avail themselves of Mr
Micawbers abilities or receive the offer of them with contumely what is the
use of dwelling upon that idea None As to originating a bankingbusiness I
may know that there are members of my family who if they chose to place their
money in Mr Micawbers hands might found an establishment of that description
But if they do not choose to place their money in Mr Micawbers hands which
they dont what is the use of that Again I contend that we are no farther
advanced than we were before«
I shook my head and said »Not a bit« Traddles also shook his head and
said »Not a bit«
»What do I deduce from this« Mrs Micawber went on to say still with the
same air of putting a case lucidly »What is the conclusion my dear Mr
Copperfield to which I am irresistibly brought Am I wrong in saying it is
clear that we must live«
I answered »Not at all« and Traddles answered »Not at all« and I found
myself afterwards sagely adding alone that a person must either live or die
»Just so« returned Mrs Micawber »It is precisely that And the fact is
my dear Mr Copperfield that we can not live without something widely different
from existing circumstances shortly turning up Now I am convinced myself and
this I have pointed out to Mr Micawber several times of late that things
cannot be expected to turn up of themselves We must in a measure assist to
turn them up I may be wrong but I have formed that opinion«
Both Traddles and I applauded it highly
»Very well« said Mrs Micawber »Then what do I recommend Here is Mr
Micawber with a variety of qualifications with great talent «
»Really my love« said Mr Micawber
»Pray my dear allow me to conclude Here is Mr Micawber with a variety
of qualifications with great talent I should say with genius but that may
be the partiality of a wife «
Traddles and I both murmured »No«
»And here is Mr Micawber without any suitable position or employment Where
does that responsibility rest Clearly on society Then I would make a fact so
disgraceful known and boldly challenge society to set it right It appears to
me my dear Mr Copperfield« said Mrs Micawber forcibly »that what Mr
Micawber has to do is to throw down the gauntlet to society and say in
effect Show me who will take that up Let the party immediately step forward«
I ventured to ask Mrs Micawber how this was to be done
»By advertising« said Mrs Micawber »in all the papers It appears to me
that what Mr Micawber has to do in justice to himself in justice to his
family and I will even go so far as to say in justice to society by which he
has been hitherto overlooked is to advertise in all the papers to describe
himself plainly as soandso with such and such qualifications and to put it
thus Now employ me on remunerative terms and address postpaid to W M
Post Office Camden Town«
»This idea of Mrs Micawbers my dear Copperfield« said Mr Micawber
making his shirtcollar meet in front of his chin and glancing at me sideways
»is in fact the Leap to which I alluded when I last had the pleasure of
seeing you«
»Advertising is rather expensive« I remarked dubiously
»Exactly so« said Mrs Micawber preserving the same logical air »Quite
true my dear Mr Copperfield I have made the identical observation to Mr
Micawber It is for that reason especially that I think Mr Micawber ought as
I have already said in justice to himself in justice to his family and in
justice to society to raise a certain sum of money on a bill«
Mr Micawber leaning back in his chair trifled with his eyeglass and
cast his eyes up at the ceiling but I thought him observant of Traddles too
who was looking at the fire
»If no member of my family« said Mrs Micawber »is possessed of sufficient
natural feeling to negotiate that bill I believe there is a better
businessterm to express what I mean «
Mr Micawber with his eyes still cast up at the ceiling suggested
Discount
»To discount that bill« said Mrs Micawber »then my opinion is that Mr
Micawber should go into the City should take that bill into the Money Market
and should dispose of it for what he can get If the individuals in the Money
Market oblige Mr Micawber to sustain a great sacrifice that is between
themselves and their consciences I view it steadily as an investment I
recommend Mr Micawber my dear Mr Copperfield to do the same to regard it as
an investment which is sure of return and to make up his mind to any
sacrifice«
I felt but I am sure I dont know why that this was selfdenying and
devoted in Mrs Micawber and I uttered a murmur to that effect Traddles who
took his tone from me did likewise still looking at the fire
»I will not« said Mrs Micawber finishing her punch and gathering her
scarf about her shoulders preparatory to her withdrawal to my bedroom »I will
not protract these remarks on the subject of Mr Micawbers pecuniary affairs
At your fireside my dear Mr Copperfield and in the presence of Mr Traddles
who though not so old a friend is quite one of ourselves I could not refrain
from making you acquainted with the course I advise Mr Micawber to take I feel
that the time is arrived when Mr Micawber should exert himself and I will add
assert himself and it appears to me that these are the means I am aware that
I am merely a female and that a masculine judgment is usually considered more
competent to the discussion of such question still I must not forget that when
I lived at home with my papa and mama my papa was in the habit of saying
Emmas form is fragile but her grasp of a subject is inferior to none That my
papa was too partial I well know but that he was an observer of character in
some degree my duty and my reason equally forbid me to doubt«
With these words and resisting our entreaties that she would grace the
remaining circulation of the punch with her presence Mrs Micawber retired to
my bedroom And really I felt that she was a noble woman the sort of woman who
might have been a Roman matron and done all manner of heroic things in times
of public trouble
In the fervour of this impression I congratulated Mr Micawber on the
treasure he possessed So did Traddles Mr Micawber extended his hand to each
of us in succession and then covered his face with his pockethandkerchief
which I think had more snuff upon it than he was aware of He then returned to
the punch in the highest state of exhilaration
He was full of eloquence He gave us to understand that in our children we
lived again and that under the pressure of pecuniary difficulties any
accession to their number was doubly welcome He said that Mrs Micawber had
latterly had her doubts on this point but that he had dispelled them and
reassured her As to her family they were totally unworthy of her and their
sentiments were utterly indifferent to him and they might I quote his own
expression go to the Devil
Mr Micawber then delivered a warm eulogy on Traddles He said Traddless
was a character to the steady virtues of which he Mr Micawber could lay no
claim but which he thanked Heaven he could admire He feelingly alluded to
the young lady unknown whom Traddles had honoured with his affection and who
had reciprocated that affection by honouring and blessing Traddles with her
affection Mr Micawber pledged her So did I Traddles thanked us both by
saying with a simplicity and honesty I had sense enough to be quite charmed
with »I am very much obliged to you indeed And I do assure you shes the
dearest girl «
Mr Micawber took an early opportunity after that of hinting with the
utmost delicacy and ceremony at the state of my affections Nothing but the
serious assurance of his friend Copperfield to the contrary he observed could
deprive him of the impression that his friend Copperfield loved and was beloved
After feeling very hot and uncomfortable for some time and after a good deal of
blushing stammering and denying I said having my glass in my hand »Well I
would give them D« which so excited and gratified Mr Micawber that he ran
with a glass of punch into my bedroom in order that Mrs Micawber might drink
D who drank it with enthusiasm crying from within in a shrill voice »Hear
hear My dear Mr Copperfield I am delighted Hear« and tapping at the wall
by way of applause
Our conversation afterwards took a more worldly turn Mr Micawber telling
us that he found Camden Town inconvenient and that the first thing he
contemplated doing when the advertisement should have been the cause of
something satisfactory turning up was to move He mentioned a terrace at the
western end of Oxford Street fronting Hyde Park on which he had always had his
eye but which he did not expect to attain immediately as it would require a
large establishment There would probably be an interval he explained in which
he should content himself with the upper part of a house over some respectable
place of business say in Piccadilly which would be a cheerful situation for
Mrs Micawber and where by throwing out a bow window or carrying up the roof
another story or making some little alteration of that sort they might live
comfortably and reputably for a few years Whatever was reserved for him he
expressly said or wherever his abode might be we might rely on this there
would always be a room for Traddles and a knife and fork for me We
acknowledged his kindness and he begged us to forgive his having launched into
these practical and businesslike details and to excuse it as natural in one
who was making entirely new arrangements in life
Mrs Micawber tapping at the wall again to know if tea were ready broke
up this particular phase of our friendly conversation She made tea for us in a
most agreeable manner and whenever I went near her in handing about the
teacups and breadandbutter asked me in a whisper whether D was fair or
dark or whether she was short or tall or something of that kind which I
think I liked After tea we discussed a variety of topics before the fire and
Mrs Micawber was good enough to sing us in a small thin flat voice which I
remembered to have considered when I first knew her the very tablebeer of
acoustics the favourite ballads of »The Dashing White Serjeant« and »Little
Tafflin« For both of these songs Mrs Micawber had been famous when she lived
at home with her papa and mama Mr Micawber told us that when he heard her
sing the first one on the first occasion of his seeing her beneath the parental
roof she had attracted his attention in an extraordinary degree but that when
it came to Little Tafflin he had resolved to win that woman or perish in the
attempt
It was between ten and eleven oclock when Mrs Micawber rose to replace her
cap in the whitybrown paper parcel and to put on her bonnet Mr Micawber took
the opportunity of Traddles putting on his greatcoat to slip a letter into my
hand with a whispered request that I would read it at my leisure I also took
the opportunity of my holding a candle over the banisters to light them down
when Mr Micawber was going first leading Mrs Micawber and Traddles was
following with the cap to detain Traddles for a moment on the top of the
stairs
»Traddles« said I »Mr Micawber dont mean any harm poor fellow but if
I were you I wouldnt lend him anything«
»My dear Copperfield« returned Traddles smiling »I havent got anything
to lend«
»You have got a name you know« said I
»Oh You call that something to lend« returned Traddles with a thoughtful
look
»Certainly«
»Oh« said Traddles »Yes to be sure I am very much obliged to you
Copperfield but I am afraid I have lent him that already«
»For the bill that is to be a certain investment« I inquired
»No« said Traddles »Not for that one This is the first I have heard of
that one I have been thinking that he will most likely propose that one on the
way home Mines another«
»I hope there will be nothing wrong about it« said I
»I hope not« said Traddles »I should think not though because he told
me only the other day that it was provided for That was Mr Micawbers
expression Provided for«
Mr Micawber looking up at this juncture to where we were standing I had
only time to repeat my caution Traddles thanked me and descended But I was
much afraid when I observed the goodnatured manner in which he vent down with
the cap in his hand and gave Mrs Micawber his arm that he would be carried
into the Money Market neck and heels
I returned to my fireside and was musing half gravely and half laughing
on the character of Mr Micawber and the old relations between us when I heard
a quick step ascending the stairs At first I thought it was Traddles coming
back for something Mrs Micawber had left behind but as the step approached I
knew it and felt my heart beat high and the blood rush to my face for it was
Steerforths
I was never unmindful of Agnes and she never left that sanctuary in my
thoughts if I may call it so where I had placed her from the first But when
he entered and stood before me with his hand out the darkness that had fallen
on him changed to light and I felt confounded and ashamed of having doubted one
I loved so heartily I loved her none the less I thought of her as the same
benignant gentle angel in my life I reproached myself not her with having
done him an injury and I would have made him any atonement if I had known what
to make and how to make it
»Why Daisy old boy dumbfoundered« laughed Steerforth shaking my hand
heartily and throwing it gaily away »Have I detected you in another feast you
Sybarite These Doctors Commons fellows are the gayest men in town I believe
and beat us sober Oxford people all to nothing« His bright glance went merrily
round the room as he took the seat on the sofa opposite to me which Mrs
Micawber had recently vacated and stirred the fire into a blaze
»I was so surprised at first« said I giving him welcome with all the
cordiality I felt »that I had hardly breath to greet you with Steerforth«
»Well the sight of me is good for sore eyes as the Scotch say« replied
Steerforth »and so is the sight of you Daisy in full bloom How are you my
Bacchanal«
»I am very well« said I »and not at all Bacchanalian tonight though I
confess to another party of three«
»All of whom I met in the street talking loud in your praise« returned
Steerforth »Whos our friend in the tights«
I gave him the best idea I could in a few words of Mr Micawber He
laughed heartily at my feeble portrait of that gentleman and said he was a man
to know and he must know him
»But who do you suppose our other friend is« said I in my turn
»Heaven knows« said Steerforth »Not a bore I hope I thought he looked a
little like one«
»Traddles« I replied triumphantly
»Whos he« asked Steerforth in his careless way
»Dont you remember Traddles Traddles in our room at Salem House«
»Oh That fellow« said Steerforth beating a lump of coal on the top of the
fire with the poker »Is he as soft as ever And where the deuce did you pick
him up«
I extolled Traddles in reply as highly as I could for I felt that
Steerforth rather slighted him Steerforth dismissing the subject with a light
nod and a smile and the remark that he would be glad to see the old fellow
too for he had always been an odd fish inquired if I could give him anything
to eat During most of this short dialogue when he had not been speaking in a
wild vivacious manner he had sat idly beating on the lump of coal with the
poker I observed that he did the same thing while I was getting out the remains
of the pigeonpie and so forth
»Why Daisy heres a supper for a king« he exclaimed starting out of his
silence with a burst and taking his seat at the table »I shall do it justice
for I have come from Yarmouth«
»I thought you came from Oxford« I returned
»Not I« said Steerforth »I have been seafaring better employed«
»Littimer was here today to inquire for you« I remarked »and I
understood him that you were at Oxford though now I think of it he certainly
did not say so«
»Littimer is a greater fool than I thought him to have been inquiring for
me at all« said Steerforth jovially pouring out a glass of wine and drinking
to me »As to understanding him you are a cleverer fellow than most of us
Daisy if you can do that«
»Thats true indeed« said I moving my chair to the table »So you have
been at Yarmouth Steerforth« interested to know all about it »Have you been
there long«
»No« he returned »An escapade of a week or so«
»And how are they all Of course little Emily is not married yet«
»Not yet Going to be I believe in so many weeks or months or something
or other I have not seen much of em Bythebye« he laid down his knife and
fork which he had been using with great diligence and began feeling in his
pockets »I have a letter for you«
»From whom«
»Why from your old nurse« he returned taking some papers out of his
breast pocket »J Steerforth Esquire debtor to the Willing Mind thats not
it Patience and well find it presently Old whatshisnames in a bad way
and its about that I believe«
»Barkis do you mean«
»Yes« still feeling in his pockets and looking over their contents »its
all over with poor Barkis I am afraid I saw a little apothecary there
surgeon or whatever he is who brought your worship into the world He was
mighty learned about the case to me but the upshot of his opinion was that
the carrier was making his last journey rather fast Put your hand into the
breast pocket of my greatcoat on the chair yonder and I think youll find the
letter Is it there«
»Here it is« said I
»Thats right«
It was from Peggotty something less legible than usual and brief It
informed me of her husbands hopeless state and hinted at his being a little
nearer than heretofore and consequently more difficult to manage for his own
comfort It said nothing of her weariness and watching and praised him highly
It was written with a plain unaffected homely piety that I knew to be genuine
and ended with my duty to my ever darling meaning myself
While I deciphered it Steerforth continued to eat and drink
»Its a bad job« he said when I had done »but the sun sets every day and
people die every minute and we mustnt be scared by the common lot If we
failed to hold our own because that equal foot at all mens doors was heard
knocking somewhere every object in this world would slip from us No Ride on
Roughshod if need be smoothshod if that will do but ride on Ride on over
all obstacles and win the race«
»And win what race« said I
»The race that one has started in« said he »Ride on«
I noticed I remember as he paused looking at me with his handsome head a
little thrown back and his glass raised in his hand that though the freshness
of the seawind was on his face and it was ruddy there were traces in it made
since I last saw it as if he had applied himself to some habitual strain of the
fervent energy which when roused was so passionately roused within him I had
it in my thoughts to remonstrate with him upon his desperate way of pursuing any
fancy that he took such as this buffeting of rough seas and braving of hard
weather for example when my mind glanced off to the immediate subject of our
conversation again and pursued that instead
»I tell you what Steerforth« said I »if your high spirits will listen to
me «
»They are potent spirits and will do whatever you like« he answered
moving from the table to the fireside again
»Then I tell you what Steerforth I think I will go down and see my old
nurse It is not that I can do her any good or render her any real service but
she is so attached to me that my visit will have as much effect on her as if I
could do both She will take it so kindly that it will be a comfort and support
to her It is no great effort to make I am sure for such a friend as she has
been to me Wouldnt you go a days journey if you were in my place«
His face was thoughtful and he sat considering a little before he answered
in a low voice »Well Go You can do no harm«
»You have just come back« said I »and it would be in vain to ask you to go
with me«
»Quite« he returned »I am for Highgate tonight I have not seen my mother
this long time and it lies upon my conscience for its something to be loved
as she loves her prodigal son Bah Nonsense You mean to go tomorrow I
suppose« he said holding me out at arms length with a hand on each of my
shoulders
»Yes I think so«
»Well then dont go till next day I wanted you to come and stay a few
days with us Here I am on purpose to bid you and you fly off to Yarmouth«
»You are a nice fellow to talk of flying off Steerforth who are always
running wild on some unknown expedition or other«
He looked at me for a moment without speaking and then rejoined still
holding me as before and giving me a shake
»Come Say the next day and pass as much of tomorrow as you can with us
Who knows when we may meet again else Come Say the next day I want you to
stand between Rosa Dartle and me and keep us asunder«
»Would you love each other too much without me«
»Yes or hate« laughed Steerforth »no matter which Come Say the next
day«
I said the next day and he put on his greatcoat and lighted his cigar and
set off to walk home Finding him in this intention I put on my own greatcoat
but did not light my own cigar having had enough of that for one while and
walked with him as far as the open road a dull road then at night He was in
great spirits all the way and when we parted and I looked after him going so
gallantly and airily homeward I thought of his saying »Ride on over all
obstacles and win the race« and wished for the first time that he had some
worthy race to run
I was undressing in my own room when Mr Micawbers letter tumbled on the
floor Thus reminded of it I broke the seal and read as follows It was dated
an hour and a half before dinner I am not sure whether I have mentioned that
when Mr Micawber was at any particularly desperate crisis he used a sort of
legal phraseology which he seemed to think equivalent to winding up his
affairs
»Sir for I dare not say my dear Copperfield
It is expedient that I should inform you that the undersigned is
Crushed Some flickering efforts to spare you the premature knowledge of
his calamitous position you may observe in him this day but hope has
sunk beneath the horizon and the undersigned is Crushed
The present communication is penned within the personal range I
cannot call it the society of an individual in a state closely
bordering on intoxication employed by a broker That individual is in
legal possession of the premises under a distress for rent His
inventory includes not only the chattels and effects of every
description belonging to the undersigned as yearly tenant of this
habitation but also those appertaining to Mr Thomas Traddles lodger
a member of the Honourable Society of the Inner Temple
If any drop of gloom were wanting in the overflowing cup which is
now commended in the language of an immortal Writer to the lips of the
undersigned it would be found in the fact that a friendly acceptance
granted to the undersigned by the beforementioned Mr Thomas Traddles
for the sum of £23 4s 912d is over due and is NOT provided for
Also in the fact that the living responsibilities clinging to the
undersigned will in the course of nature, be increased by the sum of
one more helpless victim whose miserable appearance may be looked for
in round numbers at the expiration of a period not exceeding six lunar
months from the present date
After premising thus much it would be a work of supererogation to
add that dust and ashes are for ever scattered
O n
T he
H ead
Of
WILKINS MICAWBER«
Poor Traddles I knew enough of Mr Micawber by this time to foresee that he
might be expected to recover the blow but my nights rest was sorely distressed
by thoughts of Traddles and of the curates daughter who was one of ten down
in Devonshire and who was such a dear girl and who would wait for Traddles
ominous praise until she was sixty or any age that could be mentioned
Chapter XXIX
I Visit Steerforth at His Home Again
I mentioned to Mr Spenlow in the morning that I wanted leave of absence for a
short time and as I was not in the receipt of any salary and consequently was
not obnoxious to the implacable Jorkins there was no difficulty about it I
took that opportunity with my voice sticking in my throat and my sight failing
as I uttered the words to express my hope that Miss Spenlow was quite well to
which Mr Spenlow replied with no more emotion than if he had been speaking of
an ordinary human being that he was much obliged to me and she was very well
We articled clerks as germs of the patrician order of proctors were
treated with so much consideration that I was almost my own master at all
times As I did not care however to get to Highgate before one or two oclock
in the day and as we had another little excommunication case in court that
morning which was called The office of the Judge promoted by Tipkins against
Bullock for his souls correction I passed an hour or two in attendance on it
with Mr Spenlow very agreeably It arose out of a scuffle between two
churchwardens one of whom was alleged to have pushed the other against a pump
the handle of which pump projecting into a schoolhouse which schoolhouse was
under a gable of the churchroof made the push an ecclesiastical offence It
was an amusing case and sent me up to Highgate on the box of the stagecoach
thinking about the Commons and what Mr Spenlow had said about touching the
Commons and bringing down the country
Mrs Steerforth was pleased to see me and so was Rosa Dartle I was
agreeably surprised to find that Littimer was not there and that we were
attended by a modest little parlourmaid with blue ribbons in her cap whose
eye it was much more pleasant and much less disconcerting to catch by
accident than the eye of that respectable man But what I particularly
observed before I had been halfanhour in the house was the close and
attentive watch Miss Dartle kept upon me and the lurking manner in which she
seemed to compare my face with Steerforths and Steerforths with mine and to
lie in wait for something to come out between the two So surely as I looked
towards her did I see that eager visage with its gaunt black eyes and
searching brow intent on mine or passing suddenly from mine to Steerforths
or comprehending both of us at once In this lynxlike scrutiny she was so far
from faltering when she saw I observed it that at such a time she only fixed
her piercing look upon me with a more intent expression still Blameless as I
was and knew that I was in reference to any wrong she could possibly suspect
me of I shrunk before her strange eyes quite unable to endure their hungry
lustre
All day she seemed to pervade the whole house If I talked to Steerforth in
his room I heard her dress rustle in the little gallery outside When he and I
engaged in some of our old exercises on the lawn behind the house I saw her
face pass from window to window like a wandering light until it fixed itself
in one and watched us When we all four went out walking in the afternoon she
closed her thin hand on my arm like a spring to keep me back while Steerforth
and his mother went on out of hearing and then spoke to me
»You have been a long time« she said »without coming here Is your
profession really so engaging and interesting as to absorb your whole attention
I ask because I always want to be informed when I am ignorant Is it really
though«
I replied that I liked it well enough but that I certainly could not claim
so much for it
»Oh I am glad to know that because I always like to be put right when I am
wrong« said Rosa Dartle »You mean it is a little dry perhaps«
»Well« I replied »perhaps it was a little dry«
»Oh and thats a reason why you want relief and change excitement and
all that« said she »Ah very true But isnt it a little Eh for him I
dont mean you«
A quick glance of her eye towards the spot where Steerforth was walking
with his mother leaning on his arm showed me whom she meant but beyond that I
was quite lost And I looked so I have no doubt
»Dont it I dont say that it does mind I want to know dont it rather
engross him Dont it make him perhaps a little more remiss than usual in his
visits to his blindlydoting eh« With another quick glance at them and such
a glance at me as seemed to look into my innermost thoughts
»Miss Dartle« I returned »pray do not think «
»I dont« she said »Oh dear me dont suppose that I think anything I am
not suspicious I only ask a question I dont state any opinion I want to
found an opinion on what you tell me Then its not so Well I am very glad to
know it«
»It certainly is not the fact« said I perplexed »that I am accountable
for Steerforths having been away from home longer than usual if he has been
which I really dont know at this moment unless I understand it from you I
have not seen him this long while until last night«
»No«
»Indeed Miss Dartle no«
As she looked full at me I saw her face grow sharper and paler and the
marks of the old wound lengthen out until it cut through the disfigured lip and
deep into the nether lip and slanted down the face There was something
positively awful to me in this and in the brightness of her eyes as she said
looking fixedly at me
»What is he doing«
I repeated the words more to myself than her being so amazed
»What is he doing« she said with an eagerness that seemed enough to
consume her like a fire »In what is that man assisting him who never looks at
me without an inscrutable falsehood in his eyes If you are honourable and
faithful I dont ask you to betray your friend I ask you only to tell me is
it anger is it hatred is it pride is it restlessness is it some wild fancy
is it love what is it that is leading him«
»Miss Dartle« I returned »how shall I tell you so that you will believe
me that I know of nothing in Steerforth different from what there was when I
first came here I can think of nothing I firmly believe there is nothing I
hardly understand even what you mean«
As she still stood looking fixedly at me a twitching or throbbing from
which I could not dissociate the idea of pain came into that cruel mark and
lifted up the corner of her lip as if with scorn or with a pity that despised
its object. She put her hand upon it hurriedly a hand so thin and delicate
that when I had seen her hold it up before the fire to shade her face I had
compared it in my thoughts to fine porcelain and saying in a quick fierce
passionate way »I swear you to secrecy about this« said not a word more
Mrs Steerforth was particularly happy in her sons society and Steerforth
was on this occasion particularly attentive and respectful to her It was very
interesting to me to see them together not only on account of their mutual
affection but because of the strong personal resemblance between them and the
manner in which what was haughty or impetuous in him was softened by age and
sex in her to a gracious dignity I thought more than once that it was well
no serious cause of division had ever come between them or two such natures I
ought rather to express it two such shades of the same nature might have been
harder to reconcile than the two extremest opposites in creation The idea did
not originate in my own discernment I am bound to confess but in a speech of
Rosa Dartles
She said at dinner
»Oh but do tell me though somebody because I have been thinking about it
all day and I want to know«
»You want to know what Rosa« returned Mrs Steerforth »Pray pray Rosa
do not be mysterious«
»Mysterious« she cried »Oh really Do you consider me so«
»Do I constantly entreat you« said Mrs Steerforth »to speak plainly in
your own natural manner«
»Oh then this is not my natural manner« she rejoined »Now you must really
bear with me because I ask for information We never know ourselves«
»It has become a second nature« said Mrs Steerforth without any
displeasure »but I remember and so must you I think when your manner was
different Rosa when it was not so guarded and was more trustful«
»I am sure you are right« she returned »and so it is that bad habits grow
upon one Really Less guarded and more trustful How can I imperceptibly have
changed I wonder Well thats very odd I must study to regain my former
self«
»I wish you would« said Mrs Steerforth with a smile
»Oh I really will you know« she answered »I will learn frankness from
let me see from James«
»You cannot learn frankness Rosa« said Mrs Steerforth quickly for there
was always some effect of sarcasm in what Rosa Dartle said though it was said
as this was in the most unconscious manner in the world »in a better school«
»That I am sure of« she answered with uncommon fervour »If I am sure of
anything of course you know I am sure of that«
Mrs Steerforth appeared to me to regret having been a little nettled for
she presently said in a kind tone
»Well my dear Rosa we have not heard what it is that you want to be
satisfied about«
»That I want to be satisfied about« she replied with provoking coldness
»Oh It was only whether people who are like each other in their moral
constitution is that the phrase«
»Its as good a phrase as another« said Steerforth
»Thank you whether people who are like each other in their moral
constitution are in greater danger than people not so circumstanced supposing
any serious cause of variance to arise between them of being divided angrily
and deeply«
»I should say yes« said Steerforth
»Should you« she retorted »Dear me Supposing then for instance any
unlikely thing will do for a supposition that you and your mother were to have
a serious quarrel«
»My dear Rosa« interposed Mrs Steerforth laughing goodnaturedly
»suggest some other supposition James and I know our duty to each other better
I pray Heaven«
»Oh« said Miss Dartle nodding her head thoughtfully »To be sure That
would prevent it Why of course it would Exactly Now I am glad I have been
so foolish as to put the case for it is so very good to know that your duty to
each other would prevent it Thank you very much«
One other little circumstance connected with Miss Dartle I must not omit
for I had reason to remember it thereafter when all the irremediable past was
rendered plain During the whole of this day but especially from this period of
it Steerforth exerted himself with his utmost skill and that was with his
utmost ease to charm this singular creature into a pleasant and pleased
companion That he should succeed was no matter of surprise to me That she
should struggle against the fascinating influence of his delightful art
delightful nature I thought it then did not surprise me either for I knew
that she was sometimes jaundiced and perverse I saw her features and her manner
slowly change I saw her look at him with growing admiration I saw her try
more and more faintly but always angrily as if she condemned a weakness in
herself to resist the captivating power that he possessed and finally I saw
her sharp glance soften and her smile become quite gentle and I ceased to be
afraid of her as I had really been all day and we all sat about the fire
talking and laughing together with as little reserve as if we had been
children
Whether it was because we had sat there so long or because Steerforth was
resolved not to lose the advantage he had gained I do not know but we did not
remain in the diningroom more than five minutes after her departure »She is
playing her harp« said Steerforth softly at the drawingroom door »and
nobody but my mother has heard her do that I believe these three years« He
said it with a curious smile which was gone directly and we went into the room
and found her alone
»Dont get up« said Steerforth which she had already done »my dear Rosa
dont Be kind for once and sing us an Irish song«
»What do you care for an Irish song« she returned
»Much« said Steerforth »Much more than for any other Here is Daisy too
loves music from his soul Sing us an Irish song Rosa and let me sit and
listen as I used to do«
He did not touch her or the chair from which she had risen but sat himself
near the harp She stood beside it for some little while in a curious way
going through the motion of playing it with her right hand but not sounding it
At length she sat down and drew it to her with one sudden action and played
and sang
I dont know what it was in her touch or voice that made that song the
most unearthly I have ever heard in my life or can imagine There was something
fearful in the reality of it It was as if it had never been written or set to
music but sprung out of the passion within her which found imperfect utterance
in the low sounds of her voice and crouched again when all was still I was
dumb when she leaned beside the harp again playing it but not sounding it
with her right hand
A minute more and this had roused me from my trance Steerforth had left
his seat and gone to her and had put his arm laughingly about her and had
said »Come Rosa for the future we will love each other very much« And she
had struck him and had thrown him off with the fury of a wild cat and had
burst out of the room
»What is the matter with Rosa« said Mrs Steerforth coming in
»She has been an angel mother« returned Steerforth »for a little while
and has run into the opposite extreme since by way of compensation«
»You should be careful not to irritate her James Her temper has been
soured remember and ought not to be tried«
Rosa did not come back and no other mention was made of her until I went
with Steerforth into his room to say Goodnight Then he laughed about her and
asked me if I had ever seen such a fierce little piece of incomprehensibility
I expressed as much of my astonishment as was then capable of expression
and asked if he could guess what it was that she had taken so much amiss so
suddenly
»Oh Heaven knows« said Steerforth »Anything you like or nothing I told
you she took everything herself included to a grindstone and sharpened it
She is an edgetool and requires great care in dealing with She is always
dangerous Goodnight«
»Goodnight« said I »my dear Steerforth I shall be gone before you wake
in the morning Goodnight«
He was unwilling to let me go and stood holding me out with a hand on
each of my shoulders as he had done in my own room
»Daisy« he said with a smile »for though thats not the name your
Godfathers and Godmothers gave you its the name I like best to call you by
and I wish I wish I wish you could give it to me«
»Why so I can if I choose« said I
»Daisy if anything should ever separate us you must think of me at my
best old boy Come Let us make that bargain Think of me at my best if
circumstances should ever part us«
»You have no best to me Steerforth« said I »and no worst You are always
equally loved and cherished in my heart«
So much compunction for having ever wronged him even by a shapeless
thought did I feel within me that the confession of having done so was rising
to my lips But for the reluctance I had to betray the confidence of Agnes but
for my uncertainty how to approach the subject with no risk of doing so it
would have reached them before he said »God bless you Daisy and goodnight«
In my doubt it did not reach them and we shook hands and we parted
I was up with the dull dawn and having dressed as quietly as I could
looked into his room He was fast asleep lying easily with his head upon his
arm as I had often seen him lie at school
The time came in its season and that was very soon when I almost wondered
that nothing troubled his repose as I looked at him But he slept let me
think of him so again as I had often seen him sleep at school and thus in
this silent hour I left him
Never more oh God forgive you Steerforth to touch that passive hand in
love and friendship Never never more
Chapter XXX
A Loss
I got down to Yarmouth in the evening and went to the inn I knew that
Peggottys spare room my room was likely to have occupation enough in a
little while if that great Visitor before whose presence all the living must
give place were not already in the house so I betook myself to the inn and
dined there and engaged my bed
It was ten oclock when I went out Many of the shops were shut and the
town was dull When I came to Omer and Jorams I found the shutters up but the
shop door standing open As I could obtain a perspective view of Mr Omer
inside smoking his pipe by the parlourdoor I entered and asked him how he
was
»Why bless my life and soul« said Mr Omer »how do you find yourself
Take a seat Smoke not disagreeable I hope«
»By no means« said I »I like it in somebody elses pipe«
»What not in your own eh« Mr Omer returned laughing »All the better
sir Bad habit for a young man Take a seat I smoke myself for the asthma«
Mr Omer had made room for me and placed a chair He now sat down again
very much out of breath gasping at his pipe as if it contained a supply of that
necessary without which he must perish
»I am sorry to have heard bad news of Mr Barkis« said I
Mr Omer looked at me with a steady countenance and shook his head
»Do you know how he is tonight« I asked
»The very question I should have put to you sir« returned Mr Omer »but
on account of delicacy Its one of the drawbacks of our line of business When
a partys ill we cant ask how the party is«
The difficulty had not occurred to me though I had had my apprehensions
too when I went in of hearing the old tune On its being mentioned I
recognised it however and said as much
»Yes yes you understand« said Mr Omer nodding his head »We dursnt do
it Bless you it would be a shock that the generality of parties mightnt
recover to say Omer and Jorams compliments and how do you find yourself this
morning or this afternoon as it may be«
Mr Omer and I nodded at each other and Mr Omer recruited his wind by the
aid of his pipe
»Its one of the things that cut the trade off from attentions they could
often wish to show« said Mr Omer »Take myself If I have known Barkis a year
to move to as he went by I have known him forty year But I cant go and say
how is he«
I felt it was rather hard on Mr Omer and I told him so
»Im not more selfinterested I hope than another man« said Mr Omer
»Look at me My wind may fail me at any moment and it aint likely that to my
own knowledge Id be selfinterested under such circumstances I say it aint
likely in a man who knows his wind will go when it does go as if a pair of
bellows was cut open and that man a grandfather« said Mr Omer
I said »Not at all«
»It aint that I complain of my line of business« said Mr Omer »It aint
that Some good and some bad goes no doubt to all callings What I wish is
that parties was brought up strongerminded«
Mr Omer with a very complacent and amiable face took several puffs in
silence and then said resuming his first point
»Accordingly were obleeged in ascertaining how Barkis goes on to limit
ourselves to Emly She knows what our real objects are, and she dont have any
more alarms or suspicions about us than if we was so many lambs Minnie and
Joram have just stepped down to the house in fact shes there after hours
helping her aunt a bit to ask her how he is to and if you was to please to
wait till they come back theyd give you full particlers Will you take
something A glass of srub and water now I smoke on srub and water myself«
said Mr Omer taking up his glass »because its considered softening to the
passages by which this troublesome breath of mine gets into action But Lord
bless you« said Mr Omer huskily »it aint the passages thats out of order
Give me breath enough says I to my daughter Minnie and Ill find passages my
dear«
He really had no breath to spare and it was very alarming to see him laugh
When he was again in a condition to be talked to I thanked him for the
proffered refreshment which I declined as I had just had dinner and
observing that I would wait since he was so good as to invite me until his
daughter and his soninlaw came back I inquired how little Emily was
»Well sir« said Mr Omer removing his pipe that he might rub his chin
»I tell you truly I shall be glad when her marriage has taken place«
»Why so« I inquired
»Well shes unsettled at present« said Mr Omer »It aint that shes not
as pretty as ever for shes prettier I do assure you she is prettier It
aint that she dont work as well as ever for she does She was worth any six
and she is worth any six But somehow she wants heart If you understand« said
Mr Omer after rubbing his chin again and smoking a little »what I mean in a
general way by the expression A long pull and a strong pull and a pull
altogether my hearties hurrah I should say to you that that was in a
general way what I miss in Emly«
Mr Omers face and manner went for so much that I could conscientiously
nod my head as divining his meaning My quickness of apprehension seemed to
please him and he went on
»Now I consider this is principally on account of her being in an unsettled
state you see We have talked it over a good deal her uncle and myself and
her sweetheart and myself after business and I consider it is principally on
account of her being unsettled You must always recollect of Emly« said Mr
Omer shaking his head gently »that shes a most extraordinary affectionate
little thing The proverb says You cant make a silk purse out of a sows ear
Well I dont know about that I rather think you may if you begin early in
life She has made a home out of that old boat sir that stone and marble
couldnt beat«
»I am sure she has« said I
»To see the clinging of that pretty little thing to her uncle« said Mr
Omer »to see the way she holds on to him tighter and tighter and closer and
closer every day is to see a sight Now you know theres a struggle going on
when thats the case Why should it be made a longer one than is needful «
I listened attentively to the good old fellow and acquiesced with all my
heart in what he said
»Therefore I mentioned to them« said Mr Omer in a comfortable
easygoing tone »this I said Now dont consider Emly nailed down in point
of time at all Make it your own time Her services have been more valuable
than was supposed her learning has been quicker than was supposed Omer and
Joram can run their pen through what remains and shes free when you wish If
she likes to make any little arrangement afterwards in the way of doing any
little thing for us at home very well If she dont very well still Were no
losers anyhow For dont you see« said Mr Omer touching me with his pipe
»it aint likely that a man so short of breath as myself and a grandfather too
would go and strain points with a little bit of a blueeyed blossom like her«
»Not at all I am certain« said I
»Not at all Youre right« said Mr Omer »Well sir her cousin you know
its a cousin shes going to be married to«
»Oh yes« I replied »I know him well«
»Of course you do« said Mr Omer »Well sir Her cousin being as it
appears in good work and well to do thanked me in a very manly sort of manner
for this conducting himself altogether I must say in a way that gives me a
high opinion of him and went and took as comfortable a little house as you or
I could wish to clap eyes on That little house is now furnished right through
as neat and complete as a dolls parlour and but for Barkiss illness having
taken this bad turn poor fellow they would have been man and wife I dare
say by this time As it is theres a postponement«
»And Emily Mr Omer« I inquired »Has she become more settled «
»Why that you know« he returned rubbing his double chin again »cant
naturally be expected The prospect of the change and separation and all that
is as one may say close to her and far away from her both at once Barkiss
death neednt put it off much but his lingering might Anyway its an
uncertain state of matters you see«
»I see« said I
»Consequently« pursued Mr Omer »Emlys still a little down and a little
fluttered perhaps upon the whole shes more so than she was Every day she
seems to get fonder and fonder of her uncle and more loth to part from all of
us A kind word from me brings the tears into her eyes and if you was to see
her with my daughter Minnies little girl youd never forget it Bless my heart
alive« said Mr Omer pondering »how she loves that child«
Having so favourable an opportunity it occurred to me to ask Mr Omer
before our conversation should be interrupted by the return of his daughter and
her husband whether he knew anything of Martha
»Ah« he rejoined shaking his head and looking very much dejected »No
good A sad story sir however you come to know it I never thought there was
harm in the girl I wouldnt wish to mention it before my daughter Minnie for
shed take me up directly but I never did None of us ever did«
Mr Omer hearing his daughters footstep before I heard it touched me with
his pipe and shut up one eye as a caution She and her husband came in
immediately afterwards
Their report was that Mr Barkis was as bad as bad could be that he was
quite unconscious and that Mr Chillip had mournfully said in the kitchen on
going away just now that the College of Physicians the College of Surgeons
and Apothecaries Hall if they were all called in together couldnt help him
He was past both Colleges Mr Chillip said and the Hall could only poison him
Hearing this and learning that Mr Peggotty was there I determined to go
to the house at once I bade goodnight to Mr Omer and to Mr and Mrs Joram
and directed my steps thither with a solemn feeling which made Mr Barkis
quite a new and different creature
My low tap at the door was answered by Mr Peggotty He was not so much
surprised to see me as I had expected I remarked this in Peggotty too when
she came down and I have seen it since and I think in the expectation of that
dread surprise all other changes and surprises dwindle into nothing
I shook hands with Mr Peggotty and passed into the kitchen while he
softly closed the door Little Emily was sitting by the fire with her hands
before her face Ham was standing near her
We spoke in whispers listening between whiles for any sound in the room
above I had not thought of it on the occasion of my last visit but how strange
it was to me now to miss Mr Barkis out of the kitchen
»This is very kind of you Masr Davy« said Mr Peggotty
»Its oncommon kind« said Ham
»Emly my dear« cried Mr Peggotty »See here Heres Masr Davy come
What cheer up pretty Not a wured to Masr Davy«
There was a trembling upon her that I can see now The coldness of her hand
when I touched it I can feel yet Its only sign of animation was to shrink from
mine and then she glided from the chair and creeping to the other side of her
uncle bowed herself silently and trembling still upon his breast
»Its such a loving art« said Mr Peggotty smoothing her rich hair with
his great hard hand »that it cant abear the sorrer of this Its natral in
young folk Masr Davy when theyre new to these here trials and timid like
my little bird its natral«
She clung the closer to him but neither lifted up her face nor spoke a
word
»Its getting late my dear« said Mr Peggotty »and heres Ham come fur to
take you home Theer Go along with t other loving art What Emly Eh my
pretty«
The sound of her voice had not reached me but he bent his head as if he
listened to her and then said
»Let you stay with your uncle Why you doent mean to ask me that Stay
with your uncle Moppet When your husband thatll be so soon is here fur to
take you home Now a person wouldnt think it fur to see this little thing
alongside a roughweather chap like me« said Mr Peggotty looking round at
both of us with infinite pride »but the sea aint more salt in it than she has
fondness in her for her uncle a foolish little Emly«
»Emlys in the right in that Masr Davy« said Ham »Lookee here As Emly
wishes of it and as shes hurried and frightened like besides Ill leave her
till morning Let me stay too«
»No no« said Mr Peggotty »You doent ought a married man like you or
whats as good to take and hull away a days work And you doent ought to
watch and work both That wont do You go home and turn in You aint afeerd of
Emly not being took good care on I know«
Ham yielded to this persuasion and took his hat to go Even when he kissed
her and I never saw him approach her but I felt that nature had given him
the soul of a gentleman she seemed to cling closer to her uncle even to the
avoidance of her chosen husband I shut the door after him that it might cause
no disturbance of the quiet that prevailed and when I turned back I found Mr
Peggotty still talking to her
»Now Im a going upstairs to tell your aunt as Masr Davys here and
thatll cheer her up a bit« he said »Sit ye down by the fire the while my
dear and warm these mortal cold hands You doent need to be so fearsome and
take on so much What Youll go along with me Well come along with me
come If her uncle was turned out of house and home and forced to lay down in a
dyke Masr Davy« said Mr Peggotty with no less pride than before »its my
belief shed go along with him now But therell be some one else soon some
one else soon Emly«
Afterwards when I went upstairs as I passed the door of my little
chamber which was dark I had an indistinct impression of her being within it
cast down upon the floor But whether it was really she or whether it was a
confusion of the shadows in the room I dont know now
I had leisure to think before the kitchenfire of pretty little Emlys
dread of death which added to what Mr Omer had told me I took to be the
cause of her being so unlike herself and I had leisure before Peggotty came
down even to think more leniently of the weakness of it as I sat counting the
ticking of the clock and deepening my sense of the solemn hush around me
Peggotty took me in her arms and blessed and thanked me over and over again for
being such a comfort to her that was what she said in her distress She then
entreated me to come upstairs sobbing that Mr Barkis had always liked me and
admired me that he had often talked of me before he fell into a stupor and
that she believed in case of his coming to himself again he would brighten up
at sight of me if he could brighten up at any earthly thing
The probability of his ever doing so appeared to me when I saw him to be
very small He was lying with his head and shoulders out of bed in an
uncomfortable attitude half resting on the box which had cost him so much pain
and trouble I learned that when he was past creeping out of bed to open it
and past assuring himself of its safety by means of the divining rod I had seen
him use he had required to have it placed on the chair at the bedside where he
had ever since embraced it night and day His arm lay on it now Time and the
world were slipping from beneath him but the box was there and the last words
he had uttered were in an explanatory tone »Old clothes«
»Barkis my dear« said Peggotty almost cheerfully bending over him while
her brother and I stood at the beds foot »Heres my dear boy my dear boy
Master Davy who brought us together Barkis That you sent messages by you
know Wont you speak to Master Davy«
He was as mute and senseless as the box from which his form derived the
only expression it had
»Hes a going out with the tide« said Mr Peggotty to me behind his hand
My eyes were dim and so were Mr Peggottys but I repeated in a whisper
»With the tide«
»People cant die along the coast« said Mr Peggotty »except when the
tides pretty nigh out They cant be born unless its pretty nigh in not
properly born till flood Hes a going out with the tide Its ebb at
halfarter three slack water halfanhour If he lives till it turns hell
hold his own till past the flood and go out with the next tide«
We remained there watching him a long time hours What mysterious
influence my presence had upon him in that state of his senses I shall not
pretend to say but when he at last began to wander feebly it is certain he was
muttering about driving me to school
»Hes coming to himself« said Peggotty
Mr Peggotty touched me and whispered with much awe and reverence »They
are both a going out fast«
»Barkis my dear« said Peggotty
»C P Barkis« he cried faintly »No better woman anywhere«
»Look Heres Master Davy« said Peggotty For he now opened his eyes
I was on the point of asking him if he knew me when he tried to stretch out
his arm and said to me distinctly with a pleasant smile
»Barkis is willin«
And it being low water he went out with the tide
Chapter XXXI
A Greater Loss
It was not difficult for me on Peggottys solicitation to resolve to stay
where I was until after the remains of the poor carrier should have made their
last journey to Blunderstone She had long ago bought out of her own savings a
little piece of ground in our old churchyard near the grave of her sweet girl
as she always called my mother and there they were to rest
In keeping Peggotty company and doing all I could for her little enough at
the utmost I was as grateful I rejoice to think as even now I could wish
myself to have been But I am afraid I had a supreme satisfaction of a personal
and professional nature in taking charge of Mr Barkiss will and expounding
its contents
I may claim the merit of having originated the suggestion that the will
should be looked for in the box After some search it was found in the box at
the bottom of a horses nosebag wherein besides hay there was discovered an
old gold watch with chain and seals which Mr Barkis had worn on his
weddingday and which had never been seen before or since a silver
tobaccostopper in the form of a leg an imitation lemon full of minute cups
and saucers which I have some idea Mr Barkis must have purchased to present to
me when I was a child and afterwards found himself unable to part with
eightyseven guineas and a half in guineas and halfguineas two hundred and
ten pounds in perfectly clean Bank notes certain receipts for Bank of England
stock an old horseshoe a bad shilling a piece of camphor and an
oystershell From the circumstance of the latter article having been much
polished and displaying prismatic colours on the inside I conclude that Mr
Barkis had some general ideas about pearls which never resolved themselves into
anything definite
For years and years Mr Barkis had carried this box on all his journeys
every day That it might the better escape notice he had invented a fiction
that it belonged to Mr Blackboy and was to be left with Barkis till called
for a fable he had elaborately written on the lid in characters now scarcely
legible
He had hoarded all these years I found to good purpose His property in
money amounted to nearly three thousand pounds Of this he bequeathed the
interest of one thousand to Mr Peggotty for his life on his decease the
principal to be equally divided between Peggotty little Emily and me or the
survivor or survivors of us share and share alike All the rest he died
possessed of he bequeathed to Peggotty whom he left residuary legatee and
sole executrix of that his last will and testament
I felt myself quite a proctor when I read this document aloud with all
possible ceremony and set forth its provisions any number of times to those
whom they concerned I began to think there was more in the Commons than I had
supposed I examined the will with the deepest attention pronounced it
perfectly formal in all respects made a pencilmark or so in the margin and
thought it rather extraordinary that I knew so much
In this abstruse pursuit in making an account for Peggotty of all the
property into which she had come in arranging all the affairs in an orderly
manner and in being her referee and adviser on every point to our joint
delight I passed the week before the funeral I did not see little Emily in
that interval but they told me she was to be quietly married in a fortnight
I did not attend the funeral in character if I may venture to say so I
mean I was not dressed up in a black cloak and a streamer to frighten the
birds but I walked over to Blunderstone early in the morning and was in the
churchyard when it came attended only by Peggotty and her brother The mad
gentleman looked on out of my little window Mr Chillips baby wagged its
heavy head and rolled its goggle eyes at the clergyman over its nurses
shoulder Mr Omer breathed short in the background no one else was there and
it was very quiet We walked about the churchyard for an hour after all was
over and pulled some young leaves from the tree above my mothers grave
A dread falls on me here A cloud is lowering on the distant town towards
which I retraced my solitary steps I fear to approach it I cannot bear to
think of what did come upon that memorable night of what must come again if I
go on
It is no worse because I write of it It would be no better if I stopped
my most unwilling hand It is done Nothing can undo it nothing can make it
otherwise than as it was
My old nurse was to go to London with me next day on the business of the
will Little Emily was passing that day at Mr Omers We were all to meet in
the old boathouse that night Ham would bring Emily at the usual hour I would
walk back at my leisure The brother and sister would return as they had come
and be expecting us when the day closed in at the fireside
I parted from them at the wicketgate where visionary Straps had rested
with Roderick Randoms knapsack in the days of yore and instead of going
straight back walked a little distance on the road to Lowestoft Then I turned
and walked back towards Yarmouth I stayed to dine at a decent alehouse some
mile or two from the Ferry I have mentioned before and thus the day wore away
and it was evening when I reached it Rain was falling heavily by that time and
it was a wild night but there was a moon behind the clouds and it was not
dark
I was soon within sight of Mr Peggottys house and of the light within it
shining through the window A little floundering across the sand which was
heavy brought me to the door and I went in
It looked very comfortable indeed Mr Peggotty had smoked his evening pipe
and there were preparations for some supper byandby The fire was bright the
ashes were thrown up the locker was ready for little Emily in her old place In
her own old place sat Peggotty once more looking but for her dress as if she
had never left it She had fallen back already on the society of the workbox
with Saint Pauls upon the lid the yardmeasure in the cottage and the bit of
wax candle and there they all were just as if they had never been disturbed
Mrs Gummidge appeared to be fretting a little in her old corner and
consequently looked quite natural too
»Youre first of the lot Masr Davy« said Mr Peggotty with a happy face
»Doent keep in that coat sir if its wet«
»Thank you Mr Peggotty« said I giving him my outer coat to hang up
»Its quite dry«
»So tis« said Mr Peggotty feeling my shoulders »As a chip Sit ye down
sir It aint o no use saying welcome to you but youre welcome kind and
hearty«
»Thank you Mr Peggotty I am sure of that Well Peggotty« said I giving
her a kiss »And how are you old woman«
»Ha ha« laughed Mr Peggotty sitting down beside us and rubbing his
hands in his sense of relief from recent trouble and in the genuine heartiness
of his nature »theres not a woman in the wureld sir as I tell her that
need to feel more easy in her mind than her She done her dooty by the departed
and the departed knowd it and the departed done what was right by her as she
done what was right by the departed and and and its all right«
Mrs Gummidge groaned
»Cheer up my pretty mawther« said Mr Peggotty But he shook his head
aside at us evidently sensible of the tendency of the late occurrences to
recall the memory of the old one »Doent be down Cheer up for your own self
ony a little bit and see if a good deal more doent come natral«
»Not to me Danl« returned Mrs Gummidge »Nothinks natral to me but to
be lone and lorn«
»No no« said Mr Peggotty soothing her sorrows
»Yes yes Danl« said Mrs Gummidge »I aint a person to live with them
as has had money left Thinks go too contrairy with me I had better be a
riddance«
»Why how should I ever spend it without you« said Mr Peggotty with an
air of serious remonstrance »What are you a talking on Doent I want you more
now than ever I did«
»I knowd I was never wanted before« cried Mrs Gummidge with a pitiable
whimper »and now Im told so How could I expect to be wanted being so lone
and lorn and so contrairy«
Mr Peggotty seemed very much shocked at himself for having made a speech
capable of this unfeeling construction but was prevented from replying by
Peggottys pulling his sleeve and shaking her head After looking at Mrs
Gummidge for some moments in sore distress of mind he glanced at the Dutch
clock rose snuffed the candle and put it in the window
»Theer« said Mr Peggotty cheerily »Theer we are Missis Gummidge« Mrs
Gummidge slightly groaned »Lighted up accordin to custom Youre a wonderin
what thats fur sir Well its fur our little Emly You see the path aint
over light or cheerful arter dark and when Im here at the hour as shes a
comin home I puts the light in the winder That you see« said Mr Peggotty
bending over me with great glee »meets two objects She says says Emly
Theers home she says And likewise says Emly My uncles theer Fur if I
aint theer I never have no light showed«
»Youre a baby« said Peggotty very fond of him for it if she thought so
»Well« returned Mr Peggotty standing with his legs pretty wide apart and
rubbing his hands up and down them in his comfortable satisfaction as he looked
alternately at us and at the fire »I doent know but I am Not you see to
look at«
»Not azackly« observed Peggotty
»No« laughed Mr Peggotty »not to look at but to to consider on you
know I doent care bless you Now I tell you When I go a looking and looking
about that theer pritty house of our Emlys Im Im Gormed« said Mr
Peggotty with sudden emphasis »theer I cant say more if I doent feel as
if the littlest things was her amost I takes em up and I puts em down and
I touches of em as delicate as if they was our Emly So tis with her little
bonnets and that I couldnt see one on em rough used a purpose not fur the
whole wureld Theres a babby for you in the form of a great Sea Porkypine«
said Mr Peggotty relieving his earnestness with a roar of laughter
Peggotty and I both laughed but not so loud
»Its my opinion you see« said Mr Peggotty with a delighted face after
some further rubbing of his legs »as this is along of my havin played with her
so much and made believe as we was Turks and French and sharks and every
variety of forinners bless you yes and lions and whales and I doent know
what all when she warnt no higher than my knee Ive got into the way on it
you know Why this here candle now« said Mr Peggotty gleefully holding out
his hand towards it »I know wery well that arter shes married and gone I
shall put that candle theer just that same as now I know wery well that when
Im here o nights and where else should I live bless your arts whatever
fortun I come into and she aint here or I aint theer I shall put the
candle in the winder and sit afore the fire pretending Im expecting of her
like Im a doing now Theres a babby for you« said Mr Peggotty with another
roar »in the form of a Sea Porkypine Why at the present minute when I see
the candle sparkle up I says to myself Shes a looking at it Emlys a
coming Theres a babby for you in the form of a Sea Porkypine Right for all
that« said Mr Peggotty stopping in his roar and smiting his hands together
»fur here she is«
It was only Ham The night should have turned more wet since I came in for
he had a large souwester hat on slouched over his face
»Wheers Emly« said Mr Peggotty
Ham made a motion with his head as if she were outside Mr Peggotty took
the light from the window trimmed it put it on the table and was busily
stirring the fire when Ham who had not moved said
»Masr Davy will you come out a minute and see what Emly and me has got
to show you«
We went out As I passed him at the door I saw to my astonishment and
fright that he was deadly pale He pushed me hastily into the open air and
closed the door upon us Only upon us two
»Ham whats the matter«
»Masr Davy « Oh for his broken heart how dreadfully he wept
I was paralyzed by the sight of such grief I dont know what I thought or
what I dreaded I could only look at him
»Ham Poor good fellow For Heavens sake tell me whats the matter«
»My love Masr Davy the pride and hope of my art her that Id have died
for and would die for now shes gone«
»Gone«
»Emlys run away Oh Masr Davy think how shes run away when I pray my
good and gracious God to kill her her that is so dear above all things sooner
than let her come to ruin and disgrace«
The face he turned up to the troubled sky the quivering of his clasped
hands the agony of his figure remain associated with that lonely waste in my
remembrance to this hour It is always night there and he is the only object
in the scene
»Youre a scholar« he said hurriedly »and know whats right and best
What am I to say indoors How am I ever to break it to him Masr Davy«
I saw the door move and instinctively tried to hold the latch on the
outside to gain a moments time It was too late Mr Peggotty thrust forth his
face and never could I forget the change that came upon it when he saw us if I
were to live five hundred years
I remember a great wail and cry and the women hanging about him and we all
standing in the room I with a paper in my hand which Ham had given me Mr
Peggotty with his vest torn open his hair wild his face and lips quite white
and blood trickling down his bosom it had sprung from his mouth I think
looking fixedly at me
»Read it sir« he said in a low shivering voice »Slow please I doent
know as I can understand«
In the midst of the silence of death I read thus from a blotted letter
»When you who love me so much better than I ever have deserved even
when my mind was innocent see this I shall be far away«
»I shall be fur away« he repeated slowly »Stop Emly fur away Well«
»When I leave my dear home my dear home oh my dear home in the
morning «
the letter bore date on the previous night
» it will be never to come back unless he brings me back a lady This
will be found at night many hours after instead of me Oh if you knew
how my heart is torn If even you that I have wronged so much that
never can forgive me could only know what I suffer I am too wicked to
write about myself Oh take comfort in thinking that I am so bad Oh
for mercys sake tell uncle that I never loved him half so dear as now
Oh dont remember how affectionate and kind you have all been to me
dont remember we were ever to be married but try to think as if I
died when I was little and was buried somewhere Pray Heaven that I am
going away from have compassion on my uncle Tell him that I never
loved him half so dear Be his comfort Love some good girl that will
be what I was once to uncle and be true to you and worthy of you and
know no shame but me God bless all Ill pray for all often on my
knees If he dont bring me back a lady and I dont pray for my own
self Ill pray for all My parting love to uncle My last tears and my
last thanks for uncle«
That was all
He stood long after I had ceased to read still looking at me At length I
ventured to take his hand and to entreat him as well as I could to endeavour
to get some command of himself He replied »I thankee sir I thankee« without
moving
Ham spoke to him Mr Peggotty was so far sensible of his affliction that
he wrung his hand but otherwise he remained in the same state and no one
dared to disturb him
Slowly at last he moved his eyes from my face as if he were waking from a
vision and cast them round the room Then he said in a low voice
»Whos the man I want to know his name«
Ham glanced at me and suddenly I felt a shock that struck me back
»Theres a man suspected« said Mr Peggotty »Who is it«
»Masr Davy« implored Ham »Go out a bit and let me tell him what I must
You doent ought to hear it sir«
I felt the shock again I sank down in a chair and tried to utter some
reply but my tongue was fettered and my sight was weak
»I want to know his name« I heard said once more
»For some time past« Ham faltered »theres been a servant about here at
odd times Theres been a genlmn too Both of em belonged to one another.«
Mr Peggotty stood fixed as before but now looking at him
»The servant« pursued Ham »was seen along with our poor girl last
night Hes been in hiding about here this week or over He was thought to have
gone but he was hiding Doent stay Masr Davy doent«
I felt Peggottys arm round my neck but I could not have moved if the house
had been about to fall upon me
»A strange chay and hosses was outside town this morning on the Norwich
road amost afore the day broke« Ham went on »The servant went to it and
come from it and went to it again When he went to it again Emly was nigh
him The tother was inside Hes the man«
»For the Lords love« said Mr Peggotty falling back and putting out his
hand as if to keep off what he dreaded »Doent tell me his names Steerforth«
»Masr Davy« exclaimed Ham in a broken voice »it aint no fault of yourn
and I am far from laying of it to you but his name is Steerforth and hes a
damned villain«
Mr Peggotty uttered no cry and shed no tear and moved no more until he
seemed to wake again all at once and pulled down his rough coat from its peg
in a corner
»Bear a hand with this Im struck of a heap and cant do it« he said
impatiently »Bear a hand and help me Well« when somebody had done so »Now
give me that theer hat«
Ham asked him whither he was going
»Im a going to seek my niece Im a going to seek my Emly Im a going
first to stave in that theer boat and sink it where I would have drownded him
as Im a livin soul if I had had one thought of what was in him As he sat
afore me« he said wildly holding out his clenched right hand »as he sat
afore me face to face strike me down dead but Id have drownded him and
thought it right Im a going to seek my niece«
»Where« cried Ham interposing himself before the door
»Anywhere Im a going to seek my niece through the wureld Im a going to
find my poor niece in her shame and bring her back No one stop me I tell you
Im a going to seek my niece«
»No no« cried Mrs Gummidge coming between them in a fit of crying »No
no Danl not as you are now Seek her in a little while my lone lorn Danl
and thatll be but right but not as you are now Sit ye down and give me your
forgiveness for having ever been a worrit to you Danl what have my
contrairies ever been to this and let us speak a word about them times when
she was first an orphan and when Ham was too and when I was a poor widder
woman and you took me in Itll soften your poor heart Danl« laying her head
upon his shoulder »and youll bear your sorrow better for you know the
promise Danl As you have done it unto one of the least of these you have
done it unto me and that can never fail under this roof thats been our
shelter for so many many year«
He was quite passive now and when I heard him crying the impulse that had
been upon me to go down upon my knees and ask their pardon for the desolation I
had caused and curse Steerforth yielded to a better feeling My overcharged
heart found the same relief and I cried too
Chapter XXXII
The Beginning of a Long Journey
What is natural in me is natural in many other men I infer and so I am not
afraid to write that I never had loved Steerforth better than when the ties that
bound me to him were broken In the keen distress of the discovery of his
unworthiness I thought more of all that was brilliant in him I softened more
towards all that was good in him I did more justice to the qualities that might
have made him a man of a noble nature and a great name than ever I had done in
the height of my devotion to him Deeply as I felt my own unconscious part in
his pollution of an honest home I believed that if I had been brought face to
face with him I could not have uttered one reproach I should have loved him so
well still though he fascinated me no longer I should have held in so much
tenderness the memory of my affection for him that I think I should have been
as weak as a spiritwounded child in all but the entertainment of a thought
that we could ever be reunited That thought I never had I felt as he had
felt that all was at an end between us What his remembrances of me were I
have never known they were light enough perhaps and easily dismissed but
mine of him were as the remembrances of a cherished friend who was dead
Yes Steerforth long removed from the scenes of this poor history My
sorrow may bear involuntary witness against you at the Judgment Throne but my
angry thoughts or my reproaches never will I know
The news of what had happened soon spread through the town insomuch that as
I passed along the streets next morning I overheard the people speaking of it
at their doors Many were hard upon her some few were hard upon him but
towards her second father and her lover there was but one sentiment Among all
kinds of people a respect for them in their distress prevailed which was full
of gentleness and delicacy The seafaring men kept apart when those two were
seen early walking with slow steps on the beach and stood in knots talking
compassionately among themselves
It was on the beach close down by the sea that I found them It would have
been easy to perceive that they had not slept all last night even if Peggotty
had failed to tell me of their still sitting just as I left them when it was
broad day They looked worn and I thought Mr Peggottys head was bowed in one
night more than in all the years I had known him But they were both as grave
and steady as the sea itself then lying beneath a dark sky waveless yet with
a heavy roll upon it as if it breathed in its rest and touched on the
horizon with a strip of silvery light from the unseen sun
»We have had a mort of talk sir« said Mr Peggotty to me when we had all
three walked a little while in silence »of what we ought and doent ought to
do But we see our course now«
I happened to glance at Ham then looking out to sea upon the distant light
and a frightful thought came into my mind not that his face was angry for it
was not I recall nothing but an expression of stern determination in it that
if ever he encountered Steerforth he would kill him
»My dooty here sir« said Mr Peggotty »is done Im a going to seek my «
he stopped and went on in a firmer voice »Im a going to seek her Thats my
dooty evermore«
He shook his head when I asked him where he would seek her and inquired if
I were going to London tomorrow I told him I had not gone today fearing to
lose the chance of being of any service to him but that I was ready to go when
he would
»Ill go along with you sir« he rejoined »if youre agreeable
tomorrow«
We walked again for a while in silence
»Ham« he presently resumed »hell hold to his present work and go and
live along with my sister The old boat yonder «
»Will you desert the old boat Mr Peggotty« I gently interposed
»My station Masr Davy« he returned »aint there no longer and if ever a
boat foundered since there was darkness on the face of the deep that ones
gone down But no sir no I doent mean as it should be deserted Fur from
that«
We walked again for a while as before until he explained
»My wishes is sir as it shall look day and night winter and summer as
it has always looked since she fust knowd it If ever she should come a
wandering back I wouldnt have the old place seem to cast her off you
understand but seem to tempt her to draw nigher to t and to peep in maybe
like a ghost out of the wind and rain through the old winder at the old seat
by the fire Then maybe Masr Davy seein none but Missis Gummidge there she
might take heart to creep in trembling and might come to be laid down in her
old bed and rest her weary head where it was once so gay«
I could not speak to him in reply though I tried
»Every night« said Mr Peggotty »as reglar as the night comes the candle
must be stood in its old pane of glass that if ever she should see it it may
seem to say Come back my child come back If ever theres a knock Ham
particler a soft knock arter dark at your aunts door doent you go nigh
it Let it be her not you that sees my fallen child«
He walked a little in front of us and kept before us for some minutes
During this interval I glanced at Ham again and observing the same expression
on his face and his eye still directed to the distant light I touched his
arm
Twice I called him by his name in the tone in which I might have tried to
rouse a sleeper before he heeded me When I at last inquired on what his
thoughts were so bent he replied
»On whats afore me Masr Davy and over yon«
»On the life before you do you mean« He had pointed confusedly out to sea
»Ay Masr Davy I doent rightly know how tis but from over yon there
seemed to me to come the end of it like« looking at me as if he were waking
but with the same determined face
»What end« I asked possessed by my former fear
»I doent know« he said thoughtfully »I was calling to mind that the
beginning of it all did take place here and then the end come But its gone
Masr Davy« he added answering as I think my look »you hant no call to be
afeerd of me but Im kiender muddled I dont fare to feel no matters« which
was as much as to say that he was not himself and quite confounded
Mr Peggotty stopping for us to join him we did so and said no more The
remembrance of this in connexion with my former thought however haunted me at
intervals even until the inexorable end came at its appointed time
We insensibly approached the old boat and entered Mrs Gummidge no longer
moping in her especial corner was busy preparing breakfast She took Mr
Peggottys hat and placed his seat for him and spoke so comfortably and
softly that I hardly knew her
»Danl my good man« said she »you must eat and drink and keep up your
strength for without it youll do nowt Try thats a dear soul And if I
disturb you with my clicketten« she meant her chattering »tell me so Danl
and I wont«
When she had served us all she withdrew to the window where she sedulously
employed herself in repairing some shirts and other clothes belonging to Mr
Peggotty and neatly folding and packing them in an old oilskin bag such as
sailors carry Meanwhile she continued talking in the same quiet manner
»All times and seasons you know Danl« said Mrs Gummidge »I shall be
allus here and everythink will look accordin to your wishes Im a poor
scholar but I shall write to you odd times when youre away and send my
letters to Masr Davy Maybe youll write to me too Danl odd times and tell
me how you fare to feel upon your lone lorn journies«
»Youll be a solitary woman here Im afeerd« said Mr Peggotty
»No no Danl« she returned »I shant be that Doent you mind me I
shall have enough to do to keep a Beein for you« Mrs Gummidge meant a home
»again you come back to keep a Beein here for any that may hap to come back
Danl In the fine time I shall set outside the door as I used to do If any
should come nigh they shall see the old widder woman true to em a long way
off«
What a change in Mrs Gummidge in a little time She was another woman She
was so devoted she had such a quick perception of what it would be well to say
and what it would be well to leave unsaid she was so forgetful of herself and
so regardful of the sorrow about her that I held her in a sort of veneration
The work she did that day There were many things to be brought up from the
beach and stored in the outhouse as oars nets sails cordage spars
lobsterpots bags of ballast and the like and though there was abundance of
assistance rendered there being not a pair of working hands on all that shore
but would have laboured hard for Mr Peggotty and been well paid in being asked
to do it yet she persisted all day long in toiling under weights that she was
quite unequal to and fagging to and fro on all sorts of unnecessary errands As
to deploring her misfortunes she appeared to have entirely lost the
recollection of ever having had any She preserved an equable cheerfulness in
the midst of her sympathy which was not the least astonishing part of the
change that had come over her Querulousness was out of the question I did not
even observe her voice to falter or a tear to escape from her eyes the whole
day through until twilight when she and I and Mr Peggotty being alone
together and he having fallen asleep in perfect exhaustion she broke into a
halfsuppressed fit of sobbing and crying and taking me to the door said
»Ever bless you Masr Davy be a friend to him poor dear« Then she
immediately ran out of the house to wash her face in order that she might sit
quietly beside him and be found at work there when he should awake In short
I left her when I went away at night the prop and staff of Mr Peggottys
affliction and I could not meditate enough upon the lesson that I read in Mrs
Gummidge and the new experience she unfolded to me
It was between nine and ten oclock when strolling in a melancholy manner
through the town I stopped at Mr Omers door Mr Omer had taken it so much to
heart his daughter told me that he had been very low and poorly all day and
had gone to bed without his pipe
»A deceitful badhearted girl« said Mrs Joram »There was no good in her
ever«
»Dont say so« I returned »You dont think so«
»Yes I do« cried Mrs Joram angrily
»No no« said I
Mrs Joram tossed her head endeavouring to be very stern and cross but she
could not command her softer self and began to cry I was young to be sure
but I thought much the better of her for this sympathy and fancied it became
her as a virtuous wife and mother very well indeed
»What will she ever do« sobbed Minnie »Where will she go What will become
of her Oh how could she be so cruel to herself and him«
I remembered the time when Minnie was a young and pretty girl and I was
glad that she remembered it too so feelingly
»My little Minnie« said Mrs Joram »has only just now been got to sleep
Even in her sleep she is sobbing for Emly All day long little Minnie has
cried for her and asked me over and over again whether Emly was wicked What
can I say to her when Emly tied a ribbon off her own neck round little
Minnies the last night she was here and laid her head down on the pillow
beside her till she was fast asleep The ribbons round my little Minnies neck
now It ought not to be perhaps but what can I do Emly is very bad but they
were fond of one another. And the child knows nothing«
Mrs Joram was so unhappy that her husband came out to take care of her
Leaving them together I went home to Peggottys more melancholy myself if
possible than I had been yet
That good creature I mean Peggotty all untired by her late anxieties and
sleepless nights was at her brothers where she meant to stay till morning An
old woman who had been employed about the house for some weeks past while
Peggotty had been unable to attend to it was the houses only other occupant
besides myself As I had no occasion for her services I sent her to bed by no
means against her will and sat down before the kitchen fire a little while to
think about all this
I was blending it with the deathbed of the late Mr Barkis and was driving
out with the tide towards the distance at which Ham had looked so singularly in
the morning when I was recalled from my wanderings by a knock at the door
There was a knocker upon the door but it was not that which made the sound The
tap was from a hand and low down upon the door as if it were given by a child
It made me start as much as if it had been the knock of a footman to a
person of distinction I opened the door and at first looked down to my
amazement on nothing but a great umbrella that appeared to be walking about of
itself. But presently I discovered underneath it Miss Mowcher
I might not have been prepared to give the little creature a very kind
reception if on her removing the umbrella which her utmost efforts were
unable to shut up she had shown me the volatile expression of face which had
made so great an impression on me at our first and last meeting But her face
as she turned it up to mine was so earnest and when I relieved her of the
umbrella which would have been an inconvenient one for the Irish giant she
wrung her little hands in such an afflicted manner that I rather inclined
towards her
»Miss Mowcher« said I after glancing up and down the empty street without
distinctly knowing what I expected to see besides »how do you come here What
is the matter«
She motioned to me with her short right arm to shut the umbrella for her
and passing me hurriedly went into the kitchen When I had closed the door and
followed with the umbrella in my hand I found her sitting on the corner of the
fender it was a low iron one with two flat bars at top to stand plates upon
in the shadow of the boiler swaying herself backwards and forwards and chafing
her hands upon her knees like a person in pain
Quite alarmed at being the only recipient of this untimely visit and the
only spectator of this portentous behaviour I exclaimed again »Pray tell me
Miss Mowcher what is the matter are you ill«
»My dear young soul« returned Miss Mowcher squeezing her hands upon her
heart one over the other »I am ill here I am very ill To think that it should
come to this when I might have known it and perhaps prevented it if I hadnt
been a thoughtless fool«
Again her large bonnet very disproportionate to her figure went backwards
and forwards in her swaying of her little body to and fro while a most
gigantic bonnet rocked in unison with it upon the wall
»I am surprised« I began »to see you so distressed and serious« when she
interrupted me
»Yes its always so« she said »They are all surprised these
inconsiderate young people fairly and full grown to see any natural feeling in
a little thing like me They make a plaything of me use me for their amusement
throw me away when they are tired and wonder that I feel more than a toy horse
or a wooden soldier Yes yes thats the way The old way«
»It may be with others« I returned »but I do assure you it is not with
me Perhaps I ought not to be at all surprised to see you as you are now I know
so little of you I said without consideration what I thought«
»What can I do« returned the little woman standing up and holding out her
arms to show herself »See What I am my father was and my sister is and my
brother is I have worked for sister and brother these many years hard Mr
Copperfield all day I must live I do no harm If there are people so
unreflecting or so cruel as to make a jest of me what is left for me to do but
to make a jest of myself them and everything If I do so for the time whose
fault is that Mine«
No Not Miss Mowchers I perceived
»If I had shown myself a sensitive dwarf to your false friend« pursued the
little woman shaking her head at me with reproachful earnestness »how much of
his help or goodwill do you think I should ever have had If little Mowcher who
had no hand young gentleman in the making of herself addressed herself to
him or the like of him because of her misfortunes when do you suppose her
small voice would have been heard Little Mowcher would have as much need to
live if she was the bitterest and dullest of pigmies but she couldnt do it
No She might whistle for her bread and butter till she died of Air«
Miss Mowcher sat down on the fender again and took out her handkerchief
and wiped her eyes
»Be thankful for me if you have a kind heart as I think you have« she
said »that while I know well what I am I can be cheerful and endure it all I
am thankful for myself at any rate that I can find my tiny way through the
world without being beholden to any one and that in return for all that is
thrown at me in folly or vanity as I go along I can throw bubbles back If I
dont brood over all I want it is the better for me and not the worse for any
one If I am a plaything for you giants be gentle with me«
Miss Mowcher replaced her handkerchief in her pocket looking at me with
very intent expression all the while and pursued
»I saw you in the street just now You may suppose I am not able to walk as
fast as you with my short legs and short breath and I couldnt overtake you
but I guessed where you came and came after you I have been here before
today but the good woman wasnt at home«
»Do you know her« I demanded
»I know of her and about her« she replied »from Omer and Joram I was
there at seven oclock this morning Do you remember what Steerforth said to me
about this unfortunate girl that time when I saw you both at the inn«
The great bonnet on Miss Mowchers head and the greater bonnet on the wall
began to go backwards and forwards again when she asked this question
I remembered very well what she referred to having had it in my thoughts
many times that day I told her so
»May the Father of all Evil confound him« said the little woman holding up
her forefinger between me and her sparkling eyes »and ten times more confound
that wicked servant but I believed it was you who had a boyish passion for
her«
»I« I repeated
»Child child In the name of blind illfortune« cried Miss Mowcher
wringing her hands impatiently as she went to and fro again upon the fender
»why did you praise her so and blush and look disturbed«
I could not conceal from myself that I had done this though for a reason
very different from her supposition
»What did I know« said Miss Mowcher taking out her handkerchief again and
giving one little stamp on the ground whenever at short intervals she applied
it to her eyes with both hands at once »He was crossing you and wheedling you
I saw and you were soft wax in his hands I saw Had I left the room a minute
when his man told me that Young Innocence so he called you and you may call
him Old Guilt all the days of your life had set his heart upon her and she was
giddy and liked him but his master was resolved that no harm should come of it
more for your sake than for hers and that that was their business here How
could I but believe him I saw Steerforth soothe and please you by his praise of
her You were the first to mention her name You owned to an old admiration of
her You were hot and cold and red and white all at once when I spoke to you
of her What could I think what did I think but that you were a young
libertine in everything but experience, and had fallen into hands that had
experience enough and could manage you having the fancy for your own good
Oh oh oh They were afraid of my finding out the truth« exclaimed Miss
Mowcher getting off the fender and trotting up and down the kitchen with her
two short arms distressfully lifted up »because I am a sharp little thing I
need be to get through the world at all and they deceived me altogether and
I gave the poor unfortunate girl a letter which I fully believe was the
beginning of her ever speaking to Littimer who was left behind on purpose«
I stood amazed at the revelation of all this perfidy looking at Miss
Mowcher as she walked up and down the kitchen until she was out of breath when
she sat upon the fender again and drying her face with her handkerchief shook
her head for a long time without otherwise moving and without breaking
silence
»My country rounds« she added at length »brought me to Norwich Mr
Copperfield the night before last What I happened to find out there about
their secret way of coming and going without you which was strange led to
my suspecting something wrong I got into the coach from London last night as
it came through Norwich and was here this morning Oh oh oh too late«
Poor little Mowcher turned so chilly after all her crying and fretting that
she turned round on the fender putting her poor little wet feet in among the
ashes to warm them and sat looking at the fire like a large doll I sat in a
chair on the other side of the hearth lost in unhappy reflections and looking
at the fire too and sometimes at her
»I must go« she said at last rising as she spoke »Its late You dont
mistrust me«
Meeting her sharp glance which was as sharp as ever when she asked me I
could not on that short challenge answer no quite frankly
»Come« said she accepting the offer of my hand to help her over the
fender and looking wistfully up into my face »you know you wouldnt mistrust
me if I was a fullsized woman«
I felt that there was much truth in this and I felt rather ashamed of
myself
»You are a young man« she said nodding »Take a word of advice even from
three foot nothing Try not to associate bodily defects with mental my good
friend except for a solid reason«
She had got over the fender now and I had got over my suspicion I told her
that I believed she had given me a faithful account of herself and that we had
both been hapless instruments in designing hands She thanked me and said I was
a good fellow
»Now mind« she exclaimed turning back on her way to the door and looking
shrewdly at me with her forefinger up again »I have some reason to suspect
from what I have heard my ears are always open I cant afford to spare what
powers I have that they are gone abroad But if ever they return if ever any
one of them returns while I am alive I am more likely than another going
about as I do to find it out soon Whatever I know you shall know If ever I
can do anything to serve the poor betrayed girl I will do it faithfully please
Heaven And Littimer had better have a bloodhound at his back than little
Mowcher«
I placed implicit faith in this last statement when I marked the look with
which it was accompanied
»Trust me no more but trust me no less than you would trust a fullsized
woman« said the little creature touching me appealingly on the wrist »If ever
you see me again unlike what I am now and like what I was when you first saw
me observe what company I am in Call to mind that I am a very helpless and
defenceless little thing Think of me at home with my brother like myself and
sister like myself when my days work is done Perhaps you wont then be very
hard upon me or surprised if I can be distressed and serious Goodnight«
I gave Miss Mowcher my hand with a very different opinion of her from that
which I had hitherto entertained and opened the door to let her out It was not
a trifling business to get the great umbrella up and properly balanced in her
grasp but at last I successfully accomplished this and saw it go bobbing down
the street through the rain without the least appearance of having anybody
underneath it except when a heavier fall than usual from some overcharged
waterspout sent it toppling over on one side and discovered Miss Mowcher
struggling violently to get it right After making one or two sallies to her
relief which were rendered futile by the umbrellas hopping on again like an
immense bird before I could reach it I came in went to bed and slept till
morning
In the morning I was joined by Mr Peggotty and by my old nurse and we went
at an early hour to the coachoffice where Mrs Gummidge and Ham were waiting
to take leave of us
»Masr Davy« Ham whispered drawing me aside while Mr Peggotty was
stowing his bag among the luggage »his life is quite broke up He doent know
wheer hes going he doent know whats afore him hes bound upon a voyage
thatll last on and off all the rest of his days take my wured fort unless
he finds what hes a seeking of I am sure youll be a friend to him Masr
Davy«
»Trust me I will indeed« said I shaking hands with Ham earnestly
»Thankee Thankee very kind sir One thing furder Im in good employ you
know Masr Davy and I hant no way now of spending what I gets Moneys of no
use to me no more except to live If you can lay it out for him I shall do my
work with a better art Though as to that sir« and he spoke very steadily and
mildly »youre not to think but I shall work at all times like a man and act
the best that lays in my power«
I told him I was well convinced of it and I hinted that I hoped the time
might even come when he would cease to lead the lonely life he naturally
contemplated now
»No sir« he said shaking his head »all thats past and over with me
sir No one can never fill the place thats empty But youll bear in mind about
the money as theers at all times some laying by for him«
Reminding him of the fact that Mr Peggotty derived a steady though
certainly a very moderate income from the bequest of his late brotherinlaw I
promised to do so We then took leave of each other I cannot leave him even
now without remembering with a pang at once his modest fortitude and his great
sorrow
As to Mrs Gummidge if I were to endeavour to describe how she ran down the
street by the side of the coach seeing nothing but Mr Peggotty on the roof
through the tears she tried to repress and dashing herself against the people
who were coming in the opposite direction I should enter on a task of some
difficulty Therefore I had better leave her sitting on a bakers doorstep out
of breath with no shape at all remaining in her bonnet and one of her shoes
off lying on the pavement at a considerable distance
When we got to our journeys end our first pursuit was to look about for a
little lodging for Peggotty where her brother could have a bed We were so
fortunate as to find one of a very clean and cheap description over a
chandlers shop only two streets removed from me When we had engaged this
domicile I bought some cold meat at an eatinghouse and took my
fellowtravellers home to tea a proceeding I regret to state which did not
meet with Mrs Crupps approval but quite the contrary I ought to observe
however in explanation of that ladys state of mind that she was much offended
by Peggottys tucking up her widows gown before she had been ten minutes in the
place and setting to work to dust my bedroom This Mrs Crupp regarded in the
light of a liberty and a liberty she said was a thing she never allowed
Mr Peggotty had made a communication to me on the way to London for which I
was not unprepared It was that he purposed first seeing Mrs Steerforth As I
felt bound to assist him in this and also to mediate between them with the
view of sparing the mothers feelings as much as possible I wrote to her that
night I told her as mildly as I could what his wrong was and what my own share
in his injury I said he was a man in very common life but of a most gentle and
upright character and that I ventured to express a hope that she would not
refuse to see him in his heavy trouble I mentioned two oclock in the afternoon
as the hour of our coming and I sent the letter myself by the first coach in
the morning
At the appointed time we stood at the door the door of that house where I
had been a few days since so happy where my youthful confidence and warmth of
heart had been yielded up so freely which was closed against me henceforth
which was now a waste a ruin
No Littimer appeared The pleasanter face which had replaced his on the
occasion of my last visit answered to our summons and went before us to the
drawingroom Mrs Steerforth was sitting there Rosa Dartle glided as we went
in from another part of the room and stood behind her chair
I saw directly in his mothers face that she knew from himself what he
had done It was very pale and bore the traces of deeper emotion than my letter
alone weakened by the doubts her fondness would have raised upon it would have
been likely to create I thought her more like him than ever I had thought her
and I felt rather than saw that the resemblance was not lost on my companion
She sat upright in her armchair with a stately immoveable passionless
air that it seemed as if nothing could disturb She looked very stedfastly at
Mr Peggotty when he stood before her and he looked quite as stedfastly at her
Rosa Dartles keen glance comprehended all of us For some moments not a word
was spoken She motioned to Mr Peggotty to be seated He said in a low voice
»I shouldnt feel it natral maam to sit down in this house Id sooner
stand« And this was succeeded by another silence which she broke thus
»I know with deep regret what has brought you here What do you want of
me What do you ask me to do«
He put his hat under his arm and feeling in his breast for Emilys letter
took it out unfolded it and gave it to her
»Please to read that maam Thats my nieces hand«
She read it in the same stately and impassive way untouched by its
contents as far as I could see and returned it to him
»Unless he brings me back a lady« said Mr Peggotty tracing out that part
with his finger »I come to know maam whether he will keep his wured«
»No« she returned
»Why not« said Mr Peggotty
»It is impossible He would disgrace himself You cannot fail to know that
she is far below him«
»Raise her up« said Mr Peggotty
»She is uneducated and ignorant«
»Maybe shes not maybe she is« said Mr Peggotty »I think not maam but
Im no judge of them things Teach her better«
»Since you oblige me to speak more plainly which I am very unwilling to do
her humble connexions would render such a thing impossible if nothing else
did«
»Hark to this maam« he returned slowly and quietly »You know what it is
to love your child So do I If she was a hundred times my child I couldnt
love her more You doent know what it is to lose your child I do All the
heaps of riches in the wureld would be nowt to me if they was mine to buy her
back But save her from this disgrace and she shall never be disgraced by us
Not one of us that shes growed up among not one of us thats lived along with
her and had her for their all in all these many year will ever look upon her
pritty face again Well be content to let her be well be content to think of
her far off as if she was underneath another sun and sky well be content to
trust her to her husband to her little children praps and bide the time
when all of us shall be alike in quality afore our God«
The rugged eloquence with which he spoke was not devoid of all effect She
still preserved her proud manner but there was a touch of softness in her
voice as she answered
»I justify nothing I make no counteraccusations But I am sorry to repeat
it is impossible Such a marriage would irretrievably blight my sons career
and ruin his prospects Nothing is more certain than that it never can take
place and never will If there is any other compensation «
»I am looking at the likeness of the face« interrupted Mr Peggotty with a
steady but a kindling eye »that has looked at me in my home at my fireside
in my boat wheer not smiling and friendly when it was so treacherous that
I go half wild when I think of it If the likeness of that face dont turn to
burning fire at the thought of offering money to me for my childs blight and
ruin its as bad I doent know being a ladys but what its worse«
She changed now in a moment An angry flush overspread her features and
she said in an intolerant manner grasping the armchair tightly with her
hands
»What compensation can you make to me for opening such a pit between me and
my son What is your love to mine What is your separation to ours«
Miss Dartle softly touched her and bent down her head to whisper but she
would not hear a word
»No Rosa not a word Let the man listen to what I say My son who has
been the object of my life to whom its every thought has been devoted whom I
have gratified from a child in every wish from whom I have had no separate
existence since his birth to take up in a moment with a miserable girl and
avoid me To repay my confidence with systematic deception for her sake and
quit me for her To set this wretched fancy against his mothers claims upon
his duty love respect gratitude claims that every day and hour of his life
should have strengthened into ties that nothing could be proof against Is this
no injury«
Again Rosa Dartle tried to soothe her again ineffectually
»I say Rosa not a word If he can stake his all upon the lightest object
I can stake my all upon a greater purpose Let him go where he will with the
means that my love has secured to him Does he think to reduce me by long
absence He knows his mother very little if he does Let him put away his whim
now and he is welcome back Let him not put her away now and he never shall
come near me living or dying while I can raise my hand to make a sign against
it unless being rid of her for ever he comes humbly to me and begs for my
forgiveness This is my right This is the acknowledgment I will have This is
the separation that there is between us And is this« she added looking at her
visitor with the proud intolerant air with which she had begun »no injury«
While I heard and saw the mother as she said these words I seemed to hear
and see the son defying them All that I had ever seen in him of an unyielding
wilful spirit I saw in her All the understanding that I had now of his
misdirected energy became an understanding of her character too and a
perception that it was in its strongest springs the same
She now observed to me aloud resuming her former restraint that it was
useless to hear more or to say more and that she begged to put an end to the
interview She rose with an air of dignity to leave the room when Mr Peggotty
signified that it was needless
»Doent fear me being any hindrance to you I have no more to say maam«
he remarked as he moved towards the door »I come heer with no hope and I take
away no hope I have done what I thowt should be done but I never looked fur
any good to come of my stanning where I do This has been too evil a house fur
me and mine fur me to be in my right senses and expect it«
With this we departed leaving her standing by her elbowchair a picture
of a noble presence and a handsome face
We had on our way out to cross a paved hall with glass sides and roof
over which a vine was trained Its leaves and shoots were green then and the
day being sunny a pair of glass doors leading to the garden were thrown open
Rosa Dartle entering this way with a noiseless step when we were close to
them addressed herself to me
»You do well« she said »indeed to bring this fellow here«
Such a concentration of rage and scorn as darkened her face and flashed in
her jetblack eyes I could not have thought compressible even into that face
The scar made by the hammer was as usual in this excited state of her features
strongly marked When the throbbing I had seen before came into it as I looked
at her she absolutely lifted up her hand and struck it
»This is a fellow« she said »to champion and bring here is he not You
are a true man«
»Miss Dartle« I returned »you are surely not so unjust as to condemn me«
»Why do you bring division between these two mad creatures« she returned
»Dont you know that they are both mad with their own selfwill and pride«
»Is it my doing« I returned
»Is it your doing« she retorted »Why do you bring this man here«
»He is a deeply injured man Miss Dartle« I replied »You may not know it«
»I know that James Steerforth« she said with her hand on her bosom as if
to prevent the storm that was raging there from being loud »has a false
corrupt heart and is a traitor But what need I know or care about this fellow
and his common niece«
»Miss Dartle« I returned »you deepen the injury It is sufficient already
I will only say at parting that you do him a great wrong«
»I do him no wrong« she returned »They are a depraved worthless set I
would have her whipped«
Mr Peggotty passed on without a word and went out at the door
»Oh shame Miss Dartle shame« I said indignantly »How can you bear to
trample on his undeserved affliction«
»I would trample on them all« she answered »I would have his house pulled
down I would have her branded on the face drest in rags and cast out in the
streets to starve If I had the power to sit in judgment on her I would see it
done See it done I would do it I detest her If I ever could reproach her
with her infamous condition I would go anywhere to do so If I could hunt her
to her grave I would If there was any word of comfort that would be a solace
to her in her dying hour and only I possessed it I wouldnt part with it for
Life itself«
The mere vehemence of her words can convey I am sensible but a weak
impression of the passion by which she was possessed and which made itself
articulate in her whole figure though her voice instead of being raised was
lower than usual No description I could give of her would do justice to my
recollection of her or to her entire deliverance of herself to her anger I
have seen passion in many forms but I have never seen it in such a form as
that
When I joined Mr Peggotty he was walking slowly and thoughtfully down the
hill He told me as soon as I came up with him that having now discharged his
mind of what he had purposed doing in London he meant »to set out on his
travels« that night I asked him where he meant to go He only answered »Im a
going sir to seek my niece«
We went back to the little lodging over the chandlers shop and there I
found an opportunity of repeating to Peggotty what he had said to me She
informed me in return that he had said the same to her that morning She knew
no more than I did where he was going but she thought he had some project
shaped out in his mind
I did not like to leave him under such circumstances and we all three
dined together off a beefsteak pie which was one of the many good things for
which Peggotty was famous and which was curiously flavoured on this occasion
I recollect well by a miscellaneous taste of tea coffee butter bacon
cheese new loaves firewood candles and walnut ketchup continually ascending
from the shop After dinner we sat for an hour or so near the window without
talking much and then Mr Peggotty got up and brought his oilskin bag and his
stout stick and laid them on the table
He accepted from his sisters stock of ready money a small sum on account
of his legacy barely enough I should have thought to keep him for a month He
promised to communicate with me when anything befell him and he slung his bag
about him took his hat and stick and bade us both »Goodbye«
»All good attend you dear old woman« he said embracing Peggotty »and you
too Masr Davy« shaking hands with me »Im a going to seek her fur and wide
If she should come home while Im away but ah that aint like to be or if
I should bring her back my meaning is that she and me shall live and die where
no one cant reproach her If any hurt should come to me remember that the last
words I left for her was My unchanged love is with my darling child and I
forgive her«
He said this solemnly bareheaded then putting on his hat he went down
the stairs and away We followed to the door It was a warm dusty evening
just the time when in the great main thoroughfare out of which that byeway
turned there was a temporary lull in the eternal tread of feet upon the
pavement and a strong red sunshine He turned alone at the corner of our
shady street into a glow of light in which we lost him
Rarely did that hour of the evening come rarely did I wake at night rarely
did I look up at the moon or stars or watch the falling rain or hear the
wind but I thought of his solitary figure toiling on poor pilgrim and
recalled the words
»Im a going to seek her fur and wide If any hurt should come to me
remember that the last words I left for her was My unchanged love is with my
darling child and I forgive her«
Chapter XXXIII
Blissful
All this time I had gone on loving Dora harder than ever Her idea was my
refuge in disappointment and distress and made some amends to me even for the
loss of my friend The more I pitied myself or pitied others the more I sought
for consolation in the image of Dora The greater the accumulation of deceit and
trouble in the world the brighter and the purer shone the star of Dora high
above the world I dont think I had any definite idea where Dora came from or
in what degree she was related to a higher order of beings but I am quite sure
I should have scouted the notion of her being simply human like any other young
lady with indignation and contempt
If I may so express it I was steeped in Dora I was not merely over head
and ears in love with her but I was saturated through and through Enough love
might have been wrung out of me metaphorically speaking to drown anybody in
and yet there would have remained enough within me and all over me to pervade
my entire existence
The first thing I did on my own account when I came back was to take a
nightwalk to Norwood and like the subject of a venerable riddle of my
childhood to go round and round the house without ever touching the house
thinking about Dora I believe the theme of this incomprehensible conundrum was
the moon No matter what it was I the moonstruck slave of Dora perambulated
round and round the house and garden for two hours looking through crevices in
the palings getting my chin by dint of violent exertion above the rusty nails
on the top blowing kisses at the lights in the windows and romantically
calling on the night at intervals to shield my Dora I dont exactly know
what from I suppose from fire Perhaps from mice to which she had a great
objection
My love was so much on my mind and it was so natural to me to confide in
Peggotty when I found her again by my side of an evening with the old set of
industrial implements busily making the tour of my wardrobe that I imparted to
her in a sufficiently roundabout way my great secret Peggotty was strongly
interested but I could not get her into my view of the case at all She was
audaciously prejudiced in my favour and quite unable to understand why I should
have any misgivings or be lowspirited about it »The young lady might think
herself well off« she observed »to have such a beau And as to her Pa« she
said »what did the gentleman expect for gracious sake«
I observed however that Mr Spenlows Proctorial gown and stiff cravat
took Peggotty down a little and inspired her with a greater reverence for the
man who was gradually becoming more and more etherealized in my eyes every day
and about whom a reflected radiance seemed to me to beam when he sat erect in
Court among his papers like a little lighthouse in a sea of stationery And
bythebye it used to be uncommonly strange to me to consider I remember as I
sat in Court too how those dim old judges and doctors wouldnt have cared for
Dora if they had known her how they wouldnt have gone out of their senses
with rapture if marriage with Dora had been proposed to them how Dora might
have sung and played upon that glorified guitar until she led me to the verge
of madness yet not have tempted one of those slowgoers an inch out of his
road
I despised them to a man Frozenout old gardeners in the flowerbeds of
the heart I took a personal offence against them all The Bench was nothing to
me but an insensible blunderer The Bar had no more tenderness or poetry in it
than the Bar of a publichouse
Taking the management of Peggottys affairs into my own hands with no
little pride I proved the will and came to a settlement with the Legacy
Dutyoffice and took her to the Bank and soon got everything into an orderly
train We varied the legal character of these proceedings by going to see some
perspiring Waxwork in Fleet Street melted I should hope these twenty
years and by visiting Miss Linwoods Exhibition which I remember as a
Mausoleum of needlework favourable to selfexamination and repentance and by
inspecting the Tower of London and going to the top of St Pauls All these
wonders afforded Peggotty as much pleasure as she was able to enjoy under
existing circumstances except I think St Pauls which from her long
attachment to her workbox became a rival of the picture on the lid and was
in some particulars vanquished she considered by that work of art
Peggottys business which was what we used to call commonform business in
the Commons and very light and lucrative the commonform business was being
settled I took her down to the office one morning to pay her bill Mr Spenlow
had stepped out old Tiffey said to get a gentleman sworn for a marriage
licence but as I knew he would be back directly our place lying close to the
Surrogates and to the VicarGenerals office too I told Peggotty to wait
We were a little like undertakers in the Commons as regarded Probate
transactions generally making it a rule to look more or less cut up when we
had to deal with clients in mourning In a similar feeling of delicacy we were
always blithe and lighthearted with the licence clients Therefore I hinted to
Peggotty that she would find Mr Spenlow much recovered from the shock of Mr
Barkiss decease and indeed he came in like a bridegroom
But neither Peggotty nor I had eyes for him when we saw in company with
him Mr Murdstone He was very little changed His hair looked as thick and
was certainly as black as ever and his glance was as little to be trusted as
of old
»Ah Copperfield« said Mr Spenlow »You know this gentleman I believe«
I made my gentleman a distant bow and Peggotty barely recognised him He
was at first somewhat disconcerted to meet us two together but quickly
decided what to do and came up to me
»I hope« he said »that you are doing well«
»It can hardly be interesting to you« said I »Yes if you wish to know«
We looked at each other and he addressed himself to Peggotty
»And you« said he »I am sorry to observe that you have lost your husband«
»Its not the first loss I have had in my life Mr Murdstone« replied
Peggotty trembling from head to foot »I am glad to hope that there is nobody
to blame for this one nobody to answer for it«
»Ha« said he »thats a comfortable reflection You have done your duty«
»I have not worn anybodys life away« said Peggotty »I am thankful to
think No Mr Murdstone I have not worrited and frightened any sweet creetur
to an early grave«
He eyed her gloomily remorsefully I thought for an instant and said
turning his head towards me but looking at my feet instead of my face
»We are not likely to encounter soon again a source of satisfaction to us
both no doubt for such meetings as this can never be agreeable I do not
expect that you who always rebelled against my just authority exerted for your
benefit and reformation should owe me any goodwill now There is an antipathy
between us «
»An old one I believe« said I interrupting him
He smiled and shot as evil a glance at me as could come from his dark eyes
»It rankled in your baby breast« he said »It embittered the life of your
poor mother You are right I hope you may do better yet I hope you may
correct yourself«
Here he ended the dialogue which had been carried on in a low voice in a
corner of the outer office by passing into Mr Spenlows room and saying
aloud in his smoothest manner
»Gentlemen of Mr Spenlows profession are accustomed to family differences
and know how complicated and difficult they always are« With that he paid the
money for his licence and receiving it neatly folded from Mr Spenlow
together with a shake of the hand and a polite wish for his happiness and the
ladys went out of the office
I might have had more difficulty in constraining myself to be silent under
his words if I had had less difficulty in impressing upon Peggotty who was
only angry on my account good creature that we were not in a place for
recrimination and that I besought her to hold her peace She was so unusually
roused that I was glad to compound for an affectionate hug elicited by this
revival in her mind of our old injuries and to make the best I could of it
before Mr Spenlow and the clerks
Mr Spenlow did not appear to know what the connexion between Mr Murdstone
and myself was which I was glad of for I could not bear to acknowledge him
even in my own breast remembering what I did of the history of my poor mother
Mr Spenlow seemed to think if he thought anything about the matter that my
aunt was the leader of the state party in our family and that there was a rebel
party commanded by somebody else so I gathered at least from what he said
while we were waiting for Mr Tiffey to make out Peggottys bill of costs
»Miss Trotwood« he remarked »is very firm no doubt and not likely to
give way to opposition I have an admiration for her character and I may
congratulate you Copperfield on being on the right side Differences between
relations are much to be deplored but they are extremely general and the
great thing is to be on the right side« meaning I take it on the side of the
moneyed interest
»Rather a good marriage this I believe« said Mr Spenlow
I explained that I knew nothing about it
»Indeed« he said »Speaking from the few words Mr Murdstone dropped as a
man frequently does on these occasions and from what Miss Murdstone let fall
I should say it was rather a good marriage«
»Do you mean that there is money sir« I asked
»Yes« said Mr Spenlow »I understand theres money Beauty too I am
told«
»Indeed Is his new wife young«
»Just of age« said Mr Spenlow »So lately that I should think they had
been waiting for that«
»Lord deliver her« said Peggotty So very emphatically and unexpectedly
that we were all three discomposed until Tiffey came in with the bill
Old Tiffey soon appeared however and handed it to Mr Spenlow to look
over Mr Spenlow settling his chin in his cravat and rubbing it softly went
over the items with a deprecatory air as if it were all Jorkinss doing and
handed it back to Tiffey with a bland sigh
»Yes« he said »Thats right Quite right I should have been extremely
happy Copperfield to have limited these charges to the actual expenditure out
of pocket but it is an irksome incident in my professional life that I am not
at liberty to consult my own wishes I have a partner Mr Jorkins«
As he said this with a gentle melancholy which was the next thing to making
no charge at all I expressed my acknowledgments on Peggottys behalf and paid
Tiffey in banknotes Peggotty then retired to her lodging and Mr Spenlow and
I went into Court where we had a divorcesuit coming on under an ingenious
little statute repealed now I believe but in virtue of which I have seen
several marriages annulled of which the merits were these The husband whose
name was Thomas Benjamin had taken out his marriage licence as Thomas only
suppressing the Benjamin in case he should not find himself as comfortable as
he expected Not finding himself as comfortable as he expected or being a
little fatigued with his wife poor fellow he now came forward by a friend
after being married a year or two and declared that his name was Thomas
Benjamin and therefore he was not married at all Which the Court confirmed to
his great satisfaction
I must say that I had my doubts about the strict justice of this and was
not even frightened out of them by the bushel of wheat which reconciles all
anomalies
But Mr Spenlow argued the matter with me He said Look at the world there
was good and evil in that look at the ecclesiastical law there was good and
evil in that It was all part of a system Very good There you were
I had not the hardihood to suggest to Doras father that possibly we might
even improve the world a little if we got up early in the morning and took off
our coats to the work but I confessed that I thought we might improve the
Commons Mr Spenlow replied that he would particularly advise me to dismiss
that idea from my mind as not being worthy of my gentlemanly character but
that he would be glad to hear from me of what improvement I thought the Commons
susceptible
Taking that part of the Commons which happened to be nearest to us for our
man was unmarried by this time and we were out of Court and strolling past the
Prerogative Office I submitted that I thought the Prerogative Office rather a
queerly managed institution Mr Spenlow inquired in what respect I replied
with all due deference to his experience but with more deference I am afraid
to his being Doras father that perhaps it was a little nonsensical that the
Registry of that Court containing the original wills of all persons leaving
effects within the immense province of Canterbury for three whole centuries
should be an accidental building never designed for the purpose leased by the
registrars for their own private emolument unsafe not even ascertained to be
fireproof choked with the important documents it held and positively from
the roof to the basement a mercenary speculation of the registrars who took
great fees from the public and crammed the publics wills away anyhow and
anywhere having no other object than to get rid of them cheaply That perhaps
it was a little unreasonable that these registrars in the receipt of profits
amounting to eight or nine thousand pounds a year to say nothing of the profits
of the deputy registrars and clerks of seats should not be obliged to spend a
little of that money in finding a reasonably safe place for the important
documents which all classes of people were compelled to hand over to them
whether they would or no That perhaps it was a little unjust that all the
great offices in this great office should be magnificent sinecures while the
unfortunate workingclerks in the cold dark room upstairs were the worst
rewarded and the least considered men doing important services in London
That perhaps it was a little indecent that the principal registrar of all whose
duty it was to find the public constantly resorting to this place all needful
accommodation should be an enormous sinecurist in virtue of that post and
might be besides a clergyman a pluralist the holder of a stall in a
cathedral and what not while the public was put to the inconvenience of which
we had a specimen every afternoon when the office was busy and which we knew to
be quite monstrous That perhaps in short this Prerogative Office of the
diocese of Canterbury was altogether such a pestilent job and such a pernicious
absurdity that but for its being squeezed away in a corner of Saint Pauls
Churchyard which few people knew it must have been turned completely inside
out and upside down long ago
Mr Spenlow smiled as I became modestly warm on the subject and then argued
this question with me as he had argued the other He said what was it after
all It was a question of feeling If the public felt that their wills were in
safe keeping and took it for granted that the office was not to be made better
who was the worse for it Nobody Who was the better for it All the
sinecurists Very well Then the good predominated It might not be a perfect
system nothing was perfect but what he objected to was the insertion of the
wedge Under the Prerogative Office the country had been glorious Insert the
wedge into the Prerogative Office and the country would cease to be glorious
He considered it the principle of a gentleman to take things as he found them
and he had no doubt the Prerogative Office would last our time I deferred to
his opinion though I had great doubts of it myself I find he was right
however for it has not only lasted to the present moment but has done so in
the teeth of a great parliamentary report made not too willingly eighteen
years ago when all these objections of mine were set forth in detail and when
the existing stowage for wills was described as equal to the accumulation of
only two years and a half more What they have done with them since whether
they have lost many or whether they sell any now and then to the butter
shops I dont know I am glad mine is not there and I hope it may not go
there yet awhile
I have set all this down in my present blissful chapter because here it
comes into its natural place Mr Spenlow and I falling into this conversation
prolonged it and our saunter to and fro until we diverged into general topics
And so it came about in the end that Mr Spenlow told me this day week was
Doras birthday and he would be glad if I would come down and join a little
picnic on the occasion I went out of my senses immediately became a mere
driveller next day on receipt of a little laceedged sheet of notepaper
»Favoured by papa To remind« and passed the intervening period in a state of
dotage
I think I committed every possible absurdity in the way of preparation for
this blessed event I turn hot when I remember the cravat I bought My boots
might be placed in any collection of instruments of torture I provided and
sent down by the Norwood coach the night before a delicate little hamper
amounting in itself, I thought almost to a declaration There were crackers in
it with the tenderest mottoes that could be got for money At six in the
morning I was in Covent Garden Market buying a bouquet for Dora At ten I was
on horseback I hired a gallant grey for the occasion with the bouquet in my
hat to keep it fresh trotting down to Norwood
I suppose that when I saw Dora in the garden and pretended not to see her
and rode past the house pretending to be anxiously looking for it I committed
two small fooleries which other young gentlemen in my circumstances might have
committed because they came so very natural to me But oh when I did find the
house and did dismount at the garden gate and drag those stonyhearted boots
across the lawn to Dora sitting on a garden seat under a lilac tree what a
spectacle she was upon that beautiful morning among the butterflies in a
white chip bonnet and a dress of celestial blue
There was a young lady with her comparatively stricken in years almost
twenty I should say Her name was Miss Mills and Dora called her Julia She
was the bosom friend of Dora Happy Miss Mills
Jip was there and Jip would bark at me again When I presented my bouquet
he gnashed his teeth with jealousy Well he might If he had the least idea how
I adored his mistress well he might
»Oh thank you Mr Copperfield What dear flowers« said Dora
I had had an intention of saying and had been studying the best form of
words for three miles that I thought them beautiful before I saw them so near
her But I couldnt manage it She was too bewildering To see her lay the
flowers against her little dimpled chin was to lose all presence of mind and
power of language in a feeble ecstasy I wonder I didnt say »Kill me if you
have a heart Miss Mills Let me die here«
Then Dora held my flowers to Jip to smell Then Jip growled and wouldnt
smell them Then Dora laughed and held them a little closer to Jip to make
him Then Jip laid hold of a bit of geranium with his teeth and worried
imaginary cats in it Then Dora beat him and pouted and said »My poor
beautiful flowers« as compassionately I thought as if Jip had laid hold of
me I wished he had
»Youll be so glad to hear Mr Copperfield« said Dora »that that cross
Miss Murdstone is not here She has gone to her brothers marriage and will be
away at least three weeks Isnt that delightful«
I said I was sure it must be delightful to her and all that was delightful
to her was delightful to me Miss Mills with an air of superior wisdom and
benevolence smiled upon us
»She is the most disagreeable thing I ever saw« said Dora »You cant
believe how illtempered and shocking she is Julia«
»Yes I can my dear« said Julia
»You can perhaps love« returned Dora with her hand on Julias »Forgive
my not excepting you my dear at first«
I learnt from this that Miss Mills had had her trials in the course of a
chequered existence; and that to these perhaps I might refer that wise
benignity of manner which I had already noticed I found in the course of the
day that this was the case Miss Mills having been unhappy in a misplaced
affection and being understood to have retired from the world on her awful
stock of experience, but still to take a calm interest in the unblighted hopes
and loves of youth
But now Mr Spenlow came out of the house and Dora went to him saying
»Look papa what beautiful flowers« And Miss Mills smiled thoughtfully as who
should say »Ye Mayflies enjoy your brief existence in the bright morning of
life« And we all walked from the lawn towards the carriage which was getting
ready
I shall never have such a ride again I have never had such another There
were only those three their hamper my hamper and the guitarcase in the
phaeton and of course the phaeton was open and I rode behind it and Dora
sat with her back to the horses looking towards me She kept the bouquet close
to her on the cushion and wouldnt allow Jip to sit on that side of her at all
for fear he should crush it She often carried it in her hand often refreshed
herself with its fragrance Our eyes at those times often met and my great
astonishment is that I didnt go over the head of my gallant grey into the
carriage
There was dust I believe There was a good deal of dust I believe I have
a faint impression that Mr Spenlow remonstrated with me for riding in it but I
knew of none I was sensible of a mist of love and beauty about Dora but of
nothing else He stood up sometimes and asked me what I thought of the
prospect I said it was delightful and I dare say it was but it was all Dora
to me The sun shone Dora and the birds sang Dora The south wind blew Dora
and the wild flowers in the hedges were all Doras to a bud My comfort is Miss
Mills understood me Miss Mills alone could enter into my feelings thoroughly
I dont know how long we were going and to this hour I know as little where
we went Perhaps it was near Guildford Perhaps some Arabiannight magician
opened up the place for the day and shut it up for ever when we came away It
was a green spot on a hill carpeted with soft turf There were shady trees
and heather and as far as the eye could see a rich landscape
It was a trying thing to find people here waiting for us and my jealousy
even of the ladies knew no bounds But all of my own sex especially one
impostor three or four years my elder with a red whisker on which he
established an amount of presumption not to be endured were my mortal foes
We all unpacked our baskets and employed ourselves in getting dinner ready
Red Whisker pretended he could make a salad which I dont believe and
obtruded himself on public notice Some of the young ladies washed the lettuces
for him and sliced them under his directions Dora was among these I felt that
fate had pitted me against this man and one of us must fall
Red Whisker made his salad I wondered how they could eat it Nothing should
have induced me to touch it and voted himself into the charge of the
winecellar which he constructed being an ingenious beast in the hollow trunk
of a tree Byandbye I saw him with the majority of a lobster on his plate
eating his dinner at the feet of Dora
I have but an indistinct idea of what happened for some time after this
baleful object presented itself to my view I was very merry I know but it was
hollow merriment I attached myself to a young creature in pink with little
eyes and flirted with her desperately She received my attentions with favour
but whether on my account solely or because she had any designs on Red Whisker
I cant say Doras health was drunk When I drank it I affected to interrupt
my conversation for that purpose and to resume it immediately afterwards I
caught Doras eye as I bowed to her and I thought it looked appealing But it
looked at me over the head of Red Whisker and I was adamant
The young creature in pink had a mother in green and I rather think the
latter separated us from motives of policy Howbeit there was a general
breaking up of the party while the remnants of the dinner were being put away
and I strolled off by myself among the trees in a raging and remorseful state
I was debating whether I should pretend that I was not well and fly I dont
know where upon my gallant grey when Dora and Miss Mills met me
»Mr Copperfield« said Miss Mills »you are dull«
I begged her pardon Not at all
»And Dora« said Miss Mills »you are dull«
Oh dear no Not in the least
»Mr Copperfield and Dora« said Miss Mills with an almost venerable air
»Enough of this Do not allow a trivial misunderstanding to wither the blossoms
of spring which once put forth and blighted cannot be renewed I speak« said
Miss Mills »from experience of the past the remote irrevocable past The
gushing fountains which sparkle in the sun must not be stopped in mere caprice
the oasis in the desert of Sahara must not be plucked up idly«
I hardly knew what I did I was burning all over to that extraordinary
extent but I took Doras little hand and kissed it and she let me I kissed
Miss Millss hand and we all seemed to my thinking to go straight up to the
seventh heaven
We did not come down again We stayed up there all the evening At first we
strayed to and fro among the trees I with Doras shy arm drawn through mine
and Heaven knows folly as it all was it would have been a happy fate to have
been struck immortal with those foolish feelings and have strayed among the
trees for ever
But much too soon we heard the others laughing and talking and calling
»wheres Dora« So we went back and they wanted Dora to sing Red Whisker would
have got the guitarcase out of the carriage but Dora told him nobody knew
where it was but I So Red Whisker was done for in a moment and I got it and
I unlocked it and I took the guitar out and I sat by her and I held her
handkerchief and gloves and I drank in every note of her dear voice and she
sang to me who loved her and all the others might applaud as much as they
liked but they had nothing to do with it
I was intoxicated with joy I was afraid it was too happy to be real and
that I should wake in Buckingham Street presently and hear Mrs Crupp clinking
the teacups in getting breakfast ready But Dora sang and others sang and Miss
Mills sang about the slumbering echoes in the caverns of Memory as if she
were a hundred years old and the evening came on and we had tea with the
kettle boiling gipsyfashion and I was still as happy as ever
I was happier than ever when the party broke up and the other people
defeated Red Whisker and all went their several ways and we went ours through
the still evening and the dying light with sweet scents rising up around us
Mr Spenlow being a little drowsy after the champagne honour to the soil that
grew the grape to the grape that made the wine to the sun that ripened it and
to the merchant who adulterated it and being fast asleep in a corner of the
carriage I rode by the side and talked to Dora She admired my horse and patted
him oh what a dear little hand it looked upon a horse and her shawl would
not keep right and now and then I drew it round her with my arm and I even
fancied that Jip began to see how it was and to understand that he must make up
his mind to be friends with me
That sagacious Miss Mills too that amiable though quite usedup recluse
that little patriarch of something less than twenty who had done with the
world and mustnt on any account have the slumbering echoes in the caverns of
Memory awakened what a kind thing she did
»Mr Copperfield« said Miss Mills »come to this side of the carriage a
moment if you can spare a moment I want to speak to you«
Behold me on my gallant grey bending at the side of Miss Mills with my
hand upon the carriage door
»Dora is coming to stay with me She is coming home with me the day after
tomorrow If you would like to call I am sure papa would be happy to see you«
What could I do but invoke a silent blessing on Miss Millss head and store
Miss Millss address in the securest corner of my memory What could I do but
tell Miss Mills with grateful looks and fervent words how much appreciated her
good offices and what an inestimable value I set upon her friendship
Then Miss Mills benignantly dismissed me saying »Go back to Dora« and I
went and Dora leaned out of the carriage to talk to me and we talked all the
rest of the way and I rode my gallant grey so close to the wheel that I grazed
his near fore leg against it and »took the bark off« as his owner told me »to
the tune of three pun sivin« which I paid and thought extremely cheap for so
much joy What time Miss Mills sat looking at the moon murmuring verses and
recalling I suppose the ancient days when she and earth had anything in
common
Norwood was many miles too near and we reached it many hours too soon but
Mr Spenlow came to himself a little short of it and said »You must come in
Copperfield and rest« and I consenting we had sandwiches and wineandwater
In the light room Dora blushing looked so lovely that I could not tear myself
away but sat there staring in a dream until the snoring of Mr Spenlow
inspired me with sufficient consciousness to take my leave So we parted I
riding all the way to London with the farewell touch of Doras hand still light
on mine recalling every incident and word ten thousand times lying down in my
own bed at last as enraptured a young noodle as ever was carried out of his
five wits by love
When I awoke next morning I was resolute to declare my passion to Dora and
know my fate Happiness or misery was now the question There was no other
question that I knew of in the world and only Dora could give the answer to it
I passed three days in a luxury of wretchedness torturing myself by putting
every conceivable variety of discouraging construction on all that ever had
taken place between Dora and me At last arrayed for the purpose at a vast
expense I went to Miss Millss fraught with a declaration
How many times I went up and down the street and round the square
painfully aware of being a much better answer to the old riddle than the
original one before I could persuade myself to go up the steps and knock is
no matter now Even when at last I had knocked and was waiting at the door I
had some flurried thought of asking if that were Mr Blackboys in imitation of
poor Barkis begging pardon and retreating But I kept my ground
Mr Mills was not at home I did not expect he would be Nobody wanted him
Miss Mills was at home Miss Mills would do
I was shown into a room upstairs where Miss Mills and Dora were Jip was
there Miss Mills was copying music I recollect it was a new song called
Affections Dirge and Dora was painting flowers What were my feelings when I
recognised my own flowers the identical Covent Garden Market purchase I cannot
say that they were very like or that they particularly resembled any flowers
that have ever come under my observation but I knew from the paper round them
which was accurately copied what the composition was
Miss Mills was very glad to see me and very sorry her papa was not at home
though I thought we all bore that with fortitude Miss Mills was conversational
for a few minutes and then laying down her pen upon Affections Dirge got up
and left the room
I began to think I would put it off till tomorrow
»I hope your poor horse was not tired when he got home at night« said
Dora lifting up her beautiful eyes »It was a long way for him«
I began to think I would do it today
»It was a long way for him« said I »for he had nothing to uphold him on
the journey«
»Wasnt he fed poor thing« asked Dora
I began to think I would put it off till tomorrow
»Ye yes« I said »he was well taken care of I mean he had not the
unutterable happiness that I had in being so near you«
Dora bent her head over her drawing and said after a little while I had
sat in the interval in a burning fever and with my legs in a very rigid state
»You didnt seem to be sensible of that happiness yourself at one time of
the day«
I saw now that I was in for it and it must be done or the spot
»You didnt care for that happiness in the least« said Dora slightly
raising her eyebrows and shaking her head »when you were sitting by Miss
Kitt«
Kitt I should observe was the name of the creature in pink with the
little eyes
»Though certainly I dont know why you should« said Dora »or why you
should call it a happiness at all But of course you dont mean what you say
And I am sure no one doubts your being at liberty to do whatever you like Jip
you naughty boy come here«
I dont know how I did it I did it in a moment I intercepted Jip I had
Dora in my arms I was full of eloquence I never stopped for a word I told her
how loved her I told her I should die without her I told her that I idolised
and worshipped her Jip barked madly all the time
When Dora hung her head and cried and trembled my eloquence increased so
much the more If she would like me to die for her she had but to say the word
and I was ready Life without Doras love was not a thing to have on any terms
I couldnt bear it and I wouldnt I had loved her every minute day and
night since I first saw her I love her at that minute to distraction I should
always love her every minute to distraction Lovers had loved before and
lovers would love again but no lover had ever loved might could would or
should ever love as I loved Dora The more I raved the more Jip barked Each
of us in his own way got more mad every moment
Well well Dora and I were sitting on the sofa byandby quiet enough and
Jip was lying in her lap winking peacefully at me It was off my mind I was in
a state of perfect rapture Dora and I were engaged
I suppose we had some notion that this was to end in marriage We must have
had some because Dora stipulated that we were never to be married without her
papas consent But in our youthful ecstasy I dont think that we really
looked before us or behind us or had any aspiration beyond the ignorant
present We were to keep our secret from Mr Spenlow but I am sure the idea
never entered my head then that there was anything dishonourable in that
Miss Mills was more than usually pensive when Dora going to find her
brought her back I apprehend because there was a tendency in what had passed
to awaken the slumbering echoes in the caverns of Memory But she gave us her
blessing and the assurance of her lasting friendship and spoke to us
generally as became a Voice from the Cloister
What an idle time it was What an unsubstantial happy foolish time it was
When I measured Doras finger for a ring that was to be made of
Forgetmenots and when the jeweller to whom I took the measure found me out
and laughed over his orderbook and charged me anything he liked for the pretty
little toy with its blue stones so associated in my remembrance with Doras
hand that yesterday when I saw such another by chance on the finger of my
own daughter there was a momentary stirring in my heart like pain
When I walked about exalted with my secret and full of my own interest
and felt the dignity of loving Dora and of being beloved so much that if I
had walked the air I could not have been more above the people not so situated
who were creeping on the earth
When we had those meetings in the garden of the square and sat within the
dingy summerhouse so happy that I love the London sparrows to this hour for
nothing else and see the plumage of the tropics in their smoky feathers
When we had our first great quarrel within a week of our betrothal and
when Dora sent me back the ring enclosed in a despairing cockedhat note
wherein she used the terrible expression that »our love had begun in folly and
ended in madness« which dreadful words occasioned me to tear my hair and cry
that all was over
When under cover of the night I flew to Miss Mills whom I saw by stealth
in a back kitchen where there was a mangle and implored Miss Mills to interpose
between us and avert insanity When Miss Mills undertook the office and returned
with Dora exhorting us from the pulpit of her own bitter youth to mutual
concession and the avoidance of the desert of Sahara
When we cried and made it up and were so blest again that the back
kitchen mangle and all changed to Loves own temple where we arranged a plan
of correspondence through Miss Mills always to comprehend at least one letter
on each side every day
What an idle time What an unsubstantial happy foolish time Of all the
times of mine that Time has in his grip there is none that in one retrospect I
can smile at half so much and think of half so tenderly
Chapter XXXIV
My Aunt Astonishes Me
I wrote to Agnes as soon as Dora and I were engaged I wrote her a long letter
in which I tried to make her comprehend how blest I was and what a darling Dora
was I entreated Agnes not to regard this as a thoughtless passion which could
ever yield to any other or had the least resemblance to the boyish fancies that
we used to joke about I assured her that its profundity was quite unfathomable
and expressed my belief that nothing like it had ever been known
Somehow as I wrote to Agnes on a fine evening by my open window and the
remembrance of her clear calm eyes and gentle face came stealing over me it
shed such a peaceful influence upon the hurry and agitation in which I had been
living lately and of which my very happiness partook in some degree that it
soothed me into tears I remember that I sat resting my head upon my hand when
the letter was half done cherishing a general fancy as if Agnes were one of the
elements of my natural home As if in the retirement of the house made almost
sacred to me by her presence Dora and I must be happier than anywhere As if
in love joy sorrow hope or disappointment in all emotions my heart turned
naturally there and found its refuge and best friend
Of Steerforth I said nothing I only told her there had been sad grief at
Yarmouth on account of Emilys flight and that on me it made a double wound
by reason of the circumstances attending it I knew how quick she always was to
divine the truth and that she would never be the first to breathe his name
To this letter I received an answer by return of post As I read it I
seemed to hear Agnes speaking to me It was like her cordial voice in my ears
What can I say more
While I had been away from home lately Traddles had called twice or thrice
Finding Peggotty within and being informed by Peggotty who always volunteered
that information to whomsoever would receive it that she was my old nurse he
had established a goodhumoured acquaintance with her and had stayed to have a
little chat with her about me So Peggotty said but I am afraid the chat was
all on her own side and of immoderate length as she was very difficult indeed
to stop God bless her when she had me for her theme
This reminds me not only that I expected Traddles on a certain afternoon of
his own appointing which was now come but that Mrs Crupp had resigned
everything appertaining to her office the salary excepted until Peggotty
should cease to present herself Mrs Crupp after holding divers conversations
respecting Peggotty in a very highpitched voice on the staircase with some
invisible Familiar it would appear for corporeally speaking she was quite alone
at those times addressed a letter to me developing her views Beginning it
with that statement of universal application which fitted every occurrence of
her life namely that she was a mother herself she went on to inform me that
she had once seen very different days but that at all periods of her existence
she had had a constitutional objection to spies intruders and informers She
named no names she said let them the cap fitted wear it but spies
intruders and informers especially in widders weeds this clause was
underlined she had ever accustomed herself to look down upon If a gentleman
was the victim of spies intruders and informers but still naming no names
that was his own pleasure He had a right to please himself so let him do All
that she Mrs Crupp stipulated for was that she should not be brought in
contract with such persons Therefore she begged to be excused from any further
attendance on the top set until things were as they formerly was and as they
could be wished to be and further mentioned that her little book would be found
upon the breakfasttable every Saturday morning when she requested an immediate
settlement of the same with the benevolent view of saving trouble and an
illconwenience to all parties
After this Mrs Crupp confined herself to making pitfalls on the stairs
principally with pitchers and endeavouring to delude Peggotty into breaking her
legs I found it rather harassing to live in this state of siege but was too
much afraid of Mrs Crupp to see any way out of it
»My dear Copperfield« cried Traddles punctually appearing at my door in
spite of all these obstacles »how do you do«
»My dear Traddles« said I »I am delighted to see you at last and very
sorry I have not been at home before But I have been so much engaged «
»Yes yes I know« said Traddles »of course Yours lives in London I
think«
»What did you say«
»She excuse me Miss D you know« said Traddles colouring in his great
delicacy »lives in London I believe«
»Oh yes Near London«
»Mine perhaps you recollect« said Traddles with a serious look »lives
down in Devonshire one of ten Consequently I am not so much engaged as you
in that sense«
»I wonder you can bear« I returned »to see her so seldom«
»Hah« said Traddles thoughtfully »It does seem a wonder I suppose it is
Copperfield because theres no help for it«
»I suppose so« I replied with a smile and not without a blush »And
because you have so much constancy and patience Traddles«
»Dear me« said Traddles considering about it »do I strike you in that
way Copperfield Really I didnt know that I had But she is such an
extraordinarily dear girl herself that its possible she may have imparted
something of those virtues to me Now you mention it Copperfield I shouldnt
wonder at all I assure you she is always forgetting herself and taking care of
the other nine«
»Is she the eldest« I inquired
»Oh dear no« said Traddles »The eldest is a Beauty«
He saw I suppose that I could not help smiling at the simplicity of this
reply and added with a smile upon his own ingenuous face
»Not of course but that my Sophy pretty name Copperfield I always
think«
»Very pretty« said I
»Not of course but that Sophy is beautiful too in my eyes and would be
one of the dearest girls that ever was in anybodys eyes I should think But
when I say the eldest is a Beauty I mean she really is a « he seemed to be
describing clouds about himself with both hands »Splendid you know« said
Traddles energetically
»Indeed« said I
»Oh I assure you« said Traddles »something very uncommon indeed Then
you know being formed for society and admiration and not being able to enjoy
much of it in consequence of their limited means she naturally gets a little
irritable and exacting sometimes Sophy puts her in good humour«
»Is Sophy the youngest« I hazarded
»Oh dear no« said Traddles stroking his chin »The two youngest are only
nine and ten Sophy educates em«
»The second daughter perhaps« I hazarded
»No« said Traddles »Sarahs the second Sarah has something the matter
with her spine poor girl The malady will wear out byandbye the doctors say
but in the meantime she has to lie down for a twelvemonth Sophy nurses her
Sophys the fourth«
»Is the mother living« I inquired
»Oh yes« said Traddles »she is alive She is a very superior woman indeed
but the damp country is not adapted to her constitution and in fact she has
lost the use of her limbs«
»Dear me« said I
»Very sad is it not« returned Traddles »But in a merely domestic view it
is not so bad as it might be because Sophy takes her place She is quite as
much a mother to her mother as she is to the other nine«
I felt the greatest admiration for the virtues of this young lady and
honestly with the view of doing my best to prevent the goodnature of Traddles
from being imposed upon to the detriment of their joint prospects in life
inquired how Mr Micawber was
»He is quite well Copperfield thank you« said Traddles »I am not living
with him at present«
»No«
»No You see the truth is« said Traddles in a whisper »he has changed his
name to Mortimer in consequence of his temporary embarrassments and he dont
come out till after dark and then in spectacles There was an execution put
into our house for rent Mrs Micawber was in such a dreadful state that I
really couldnt resist giving my name to that second bill we spoke of here You
may imagine how delightful it was to my feelings Copperfield to see the matter
settled with it and Mrs Micawber recover her spirits«
»Hum« said I
»Not that her happiness was of long duration« pursued Traddles »for
unfortunately within a week another execution came in It broke up the
establishment I have been living in a furnished apartment since then and the
Mortimers have been very private indeed I hope you wont think it selfish
Copperfield if I mention that the broker carried off my little round table with
the marble top and Sophys flowerpot and stand«
»What a hard thing« I exclaimed indignantly
»It was a it was a pull« said Traddles with his usual wince at that
expression »I dont mention it reproachfully however but with a motive The
fact is Copperfield I was unable to repurchase them at the time of their
seizure in the first place because the broker having an idea that I wanted
them ran the price up to an extravagant extent and in the second place
because I hadnt any money Now I have kept my eye since upon the brokers
shop« said Traddles with a great enjoyment of his mystery »which is up at the
top of Tottenham Court Road and at last today I find them put out for sale
I have only noticed them from over the way because if the broker saw me bless
you hed ask any price for them What has occurred to me haying now the money
is that perhaps you wouldnt object to ask that good nurse of yours to come
with me to the shop I can show it her from round the corner of the next street
and make the best bargain for them as if they were for herself that she
can«
The delight with which Traddles propounded this plan to me and the sense he
had of its uncommon artfulness are among the freshest things in my remembrance
I told him that my old nurse would be delighted to assist him and that we
would all three take the field together but on one condition That condition
was that he should make a solemn resolution to grant no more loans of his name
or anything else to Mr Micawber
»My dear Copperfield« said Traddles »I have already done so because I
begin to feel that I have not only been inconsiderate but that I have been
positively unjust to Sophy My word being passed to myself there is no longer
any apprehension but I pledge it to you too with the greatest readiness That
first unlucky obligation I have paid I have no doubt Mr Micawber would have
paid it if he could but he could not One thing I ought to mention which I
like very much in Mr Micawber Copperfield It refers to the second obligation
which is not yet due He dont tell me that it is provided for but he says it
will be Now I think there is something very fair and honest about that«
I was unwilling to damp my good friends confidence and therefore assented
After a little further conversation we went round to the chandlers shop to
enlist Peggotty Traddles declining to pass the evening with me both because he
endured the liveliest apprehensions that his property would be bought by
somebody else before he could repurchase it and because it was the evening he
always devoted to writing to the dearest girl in the world
I never shall forget him peeping round the corner of the street in Tottenham
Court Road while Peggotty was bargaining for the precious articles or his
agitation when she came slowly towards us after vainly offering a price and was
hailed by the relenting broker and went back again The end of the negotiation
was that she bought the property on tolerably easy terms and Traddles was
transported with pleasure
»I am very much obliged to you indeed« said Traddles on hearing it was to
be sent to where he lived that night »If I might ask one other favour I hope
you would not think it absurd Copperfield«
I said beforehand certainly not
»Then if you would be good enough« said Traddles to Peggotty »to get the
flowerpot now I think I should like it being Sophys Copperfield to carry
it home myself«
Peggotty was glad to get it for him and he overwhelmed her with thanks and
went his way up Tottenham Court Road carrying the flowerpot affectionately in
his arms with one of the most delighted expressions of countenance I ever saw
We then turned back towards my chambers As the shops had charms for
Peggotty which I never knew them possess in the same degree for anybody else I
sauntered easily along amused by her staring in at the windows and waiting for
her as often as she chose We were thus a good while in getting to the Adelphi
On our way upstairs I called her attention to the sudden disappearance of
Mrs Crupps pitfalls and also to the prints of recent footsteps We were both
very much surprised coming higher up to find my outer door standing open which
I had shut and to hear voices inside
We looked at one another, without knowing what to make of this and went
into the sittingroom What was my amazement to find of all people upon earth
my aunt there and Mr Dick My aunt sitting on a quantity of luggage with her
two birds before her and her cat on her knee like a female Robinson Crusoe
drinking tea Mr Dick leaning thoughtfully on a great kite such as we had
often been out together to fly with more luggage piled about him
»My dear aunt« cried I »Why what an unexpected pleasure«
We cordially embraced and Mr Dick and I cordially shook hands and Mrs
Crupp who was busy making tea and could not be too attentive cordially said
she had knowed well as Mr Copperfull would have his heart in his mouth when he
see his dear relations
»Holloa« said my aunt to Peggotty who quailed before her awful presence
»How are you«
»You remember my aunt Peggotty« said I
»For the love of goodness child« exclaimed my aunt »dont call the woman
by that South Sea Island name If she married and got rid of it which was the
best thing she could do why dont you give her the benefit of the change
Whats your name now P« said my aunt as a compromise for the obnoxious
appellation
»Barkis maam« said Peggotty with a curtsey
»Well Thats human« said my aunt »It sounds less as if you wanted a
Missionary How dye do Barkis I hope youre well«
Encouraged by these gracious words and by my aunts extending her hand
Barkis came forward and took the hand and curtseyed her acknowledgments
»We are older than we were I see« said my aunt »We have only met each
other once before you know A nice business we made of it then Trot my dear
another cup«
I handed it dutifully to my aunt who was in her usual inflexible state of
figure and ventured a remonstrance with her on the subject of her sitting on a
box
»Let me draw the sofa here or the easy chair aunt« said I »Why should
you be so uncomfortable«
»Thank you Trot« replied my aunt »I prefer to sit upon my property« Here
my aunt looked hard at Mrs Crupp and observed »We neednt trouble you to
wait maam«
»Shall I put a little more tea in the pot afore I go maam« said Mrs
Crupp
»No I thank you maam« replied my aunt
»Would you let me fetch another pat of butter maam« said Mrs Crupp »Or
would you be persuaded to try a newlaid hegg or should I brile a rasher Aint
there nothing I could do for your dear aunt Mr Copperfull«
»Nothing maam« returned my aunt »I shall do very well I thank you«
Mrs Crupp who had been incessantly smiling to express sweet temper and
incessantly holding her head on one side to express a general feebleness of
constitution and incessantly rubbing her hands to express a desire to be of
service to all deserving objects gradually smiled herself onesided herself
and rubbed herself out of the room
»Dick« said my aunt »You know what I told you about timeservers and
wealthworshippers«
Mr Dick with rather a scared look as if he had forgotten it returned a
hasty answer in the affirmative
»Mrs Crupp is one of them« said my aunt »Barkis Ill trouble you to look
after the tea and let me have another cup for I dont fancy that womans
pouringout«
I knew my aunt sufficiently well to know that she had something of
importance on her mind and that there was far more matter in this arrival than
a stranger might have supposed I noticed how her eye lighted on me when she
thought my attention otherwise occupied and what a curious process of
hesitation appeared to be going on within her while she preserved her outward
stiffness and composure I began to reflect whether I had done anything to
offend her and my conscience whispered me that I had not yet told her about
Dora Could it by any means be that I wondered
As I knew she would only speak in her own good time I sat down near her
and spoke to the birds and played with the cat and was as easy as I could be
But I was very far from being really easy and I should still have been so even
if Mr Dick leaning over the great kite behind my aunt had not taken every
secret opportunity of shaking his head darkly at me and pointing at her
»Trot« said my aunt at last when she had finished her tea and carefully
smoothed down her dress and wiped her lips »you neednt go Barkis Trot
have you got to be firm and selfreliant«
»I hope so aunt«
»What do you think« inquired Miss Betsey
»I think so aunt«
»Then why my love« said my aunt looking earnestly at me »why do you
think I prefer to sit upon this property of mine tonight«
I shook my head unable to guess
»Because« said my aunt »its all I have Because Im ruined my dear«
If the house and every one of us had tumbled out into the river together
I could hardly have received a greater shock
»Dick knows it« said my aunt laying her hand calmly on my shoulder »I am
ruined my dear Trot All I have in the world is in this room except the
cottage and that I have left Janet to let Barkis I want to get a bed for this
gentleman tonight To save expense perhaps you can make up something here for
myself Anything will do Its only for tonight Well talk about this more
tomorrow«
I was roused from my amazement and concern for her I am sure for her
by her falling on my neck for a moment and crying that she only grieved for me
In another moment she suppressed this emotion and said with an aspect more
triumphant than dejected
»We must meet reverses boldly and not suffer them to frighten us my dear
We must learn to act the play out We must live misfortune down Trot«
Chapter XXXV
Depression
As soon as I could recover my presence of mind which quite deserted me in the
first overpowering shock of my aunts intelligence I proposed to Mr Dick to
come round to the chandlers shop and take possession of the bed which Mr
Peggotty had lately vacated The chandlers shop being in Hungerford Market and
Hungerford Market being a very different place in those days there was a low
wooden colonnade before the door not very unlike that before the house where
the little man and woman used to live in the old weatherglass which pleased
Mr Dick mightily The glory of lodging over this structure would have
compensated him I dare say for many inconveniences but as there were really
few to bear beyond the compound of flavours I have already mentioned and
perhaps the want of a little more elbowroom he was perfectly charmed with his
accommodation Mrs Crupp had indignantly assured him that there wasnt room to
swing a cat there but as Mr Dick justly observed to me sitting down on the
foot of the bed nursing his leg »You know Trotwood I dont want to swing a
cat I never do swing a cat Therefore what does that signify to me«
I tried to ascertain whether Mr Dick had any understanding of the causes of
this sudden and great change in my aunts affairs As I might have expected he
had none at all The only account he could give of it was that my aunt had
said to him the day before yesterday »Now Dick are you really and truly the
philosopher I take you for« That then he had said Yes he hoped so That then
my aunt had said »Dick I am ruined« That then he had said »Oh indeed« That
then my aunt had praised him highly which he was very glad of And that then
they had come to me and had had bottled porter and sandwiches on the road
Mr Dick was so very complacent sitting on the foot of the bed nursing his
leg and telling me this with his eyes wide open and a surprised smile that I
am sorry to say I was provoked into explaining to him that ruin meant distress
want and starvation but I was soon bitterly reproved for this harshness by
seeing his face turn pale and tears course down his lengthened cheeks while he
fixed upon me a look of such unutterable woe that it might have softened a far
harder heart than mine I took infinitely greater pains to cheer him up again
than I had taken to depress him and I soon understood as I ought to have known
at first that he had been so confident merely because of his faith in the
wisest and most wonderful of women and his unbounded reliance on my
intellectual resources The latter I believe he considered a match for any
kind of disaster not absolutely mortal
»What can we do Trotwood« said Mr Dick »Theres the Memorial «
»To be sure there is« said I »But all we can do just now Mr Dick is to
keep a cheerful countenance and not let my aunt see that we are thinking about
it«
He assented to this in the most earnest manner and implored me if I should
see him wandering an inch out of the right course to recall him by some of
those superior methods which were always at my command But I regret to state
that the fright I had given him proved too much for his best attempts at
concealment All the evening his eyes wandered to my aunts face with an
expression of the most dismal apprehension as if he saw her growing thin on the
spot He was conscious of this and put a constraint upon his head but his
keeping that immovable and sitting rolling his eyes like a piece of machinery
did not mend the matter at all I saw him look at the loaf at supper which
happened to be a small one as if nothing else stood between us and famine and
when my aunt insisted on his making his customary repast I detected him in the
act of pocketing fragments of his bread and cheese I have no doubt for the
purpose of reviving us with those savings when we should have reached an
advanced stage of attenuation
My aunt on the other hand was in a composed frame of mind which was a
lesson to all of us to me I am sure She was extremely gracious to Peggotty
except when I inadvertently called her by that name and strange as I knew she
felt in London appeared quite at home She was to have my bed and I was to lie
in the sittingroom to keep guard over her She made a great point of being so
near the river in case of a conflagration and I suppose really did find some
satisfaction in that circumstance
»Trot my dear« said my aunt when she saw me making preparations for
compounding her usual nightdraught »No«
»Nothing aunt«
»Not wine my dear Ale«
»But there is wine here aunt And you always have it made of wine«
»Keep that in case of sickness« said my aunt »We mustnt use it
carelessly Trot Ale for me Half a pint«
I thought Mr Dick would have fallen insensible My aunt being resolute I
went out and got the ale myself As it was growing late Peggotty and Mr Dick
took that opportunity of repairing to the chandlers shop together I parted
from him poor fellow at the corner of the street with his great kite at his
back a very monument of human misery
My aunt was walking up and down the room when I returned crimping the
borders of her nightcap with her fingers I warmed the ale and made the toast on
the usual infallible principles When it was ready for her she was ready for
it with her nightcap on and the skirt of her gown turned back on her knees
»My dear« said my aunt after taking a spoonful of it »its a great deal
better than wine Not half so bilious«
I suppose I looked doubtful for she added
»Tut tut child If nothing worse than Ale happens to us we are well off«
»I should think so myself aunt I am sure« said I
»Well then why dont you think so« said my aunt
»Because you and I are very different people« I returned
»Stuff and nonsense Trot« replied my aunt
My aunt went on with a quiet enjoyment in which there was very little
affectation if any drinking the warm ale with a teaspoon and soaking her
strips of toast in it
»Trot« said she »I dont care for strange faces in general but I rather
like that Barkis of yours do you know«
»Its better than a hundred pounds to hear you say so« said I
»Its a most extraordinary world« observed my aunt rubbing her nose »how
that woman ever got into it with that name is unaccountable to me It would be
much more easy to be born a Jackson or something of that sort one would
think«
»Perhaps she thinks so too its not her fault« said I
»I suppose not« returned my aunt rather grudging the admission »but its
very aggravating However shes Barkis now Thats some comfort Barkis is
uncommonly fond of you Trot«
»There is nothing she would leave undone to prove it« said I
»Nothing I believe« returned my aunt »Here the poor fool has been
begging and praying about handing over some of her money because she has got
too much of it A simpleton«
My aunts tears of pleasure were positively trickling down into the warm
ale
»Shes the most ridiculous creature that ever was born« said my aunt »I
knew from the first moment when I saw her with that poor dear blessed baby of a
mother of yours that she was the most ridiculous of mortals But there are good
points in Barkis«
Affecting to laugh she got an opportunity of putting her hand to her eyes
Having availed herself of it she resumed her toast and her discourse together
»Ah Mercy upon us« sighed my aunt »I know all about it Trot Barkis and
myself had quite a gossip while you were out with Dick I know all about it I
dont know where these wretched girls expect to go to for my part I wonder
they dont knock out their brains against against mantelpieces« said my aunt
an idea which was probably suggested to her by her contemplation of mine
»Poor Emily« said I
»Oh dont talk to me about poor« returned my aunt »She should have
thought of that before she caused so much misery Give me a kiss Trot I am
sorry for your early experience«
As I bent forward she put her tumbler on my knee to detain me and said
»Oh Trot Trot And so you fancy yourself in love Do you«
»Fancy aunt« I exclaimed as red as I could be »I adore her with my whole
soul«
»Dora indeed« returned my aunt »And you mean to say the little thing is
very fascinating I suppose«
»My dear aunt« I replied »no one can form the least idea what she is«
»Ah And not silly« said my aunt
»Silly aunt«
I seriously believe it had never once entered my head for a single moment
to consider whether she was or not I resented the idea of course but I was in
a manner struck by it as a new one altogether
»Not lightheaded« said my aunt
»Lightheaded aunt« I could only repeat this daring speculation with the
same kind of feeling with which I had repeated the preceding question
»Well well« said my aunt »I only ask I dont depreciate her Poor little
couple And so you think you were formed for one another, and are to go through
a partysuppertable kind of life like two pretty pieces of confectionery do
you Trot«
She asked me this so kindly and with such a gentle air half playful and
half sorrowful that I was quite touched
»We are young and inexperienced aunt I know« I replied »and I dare say
we say and think a good deal that is rather foolish But we love one another
truly I am sure If I thought Dora could ever love anybody else or cease to
love me or that I could ever love anybody else or cease to love her I dont
know what I should do go out of my mind I think«
»Ah Trot« said my aunt shaking her head and smiling gravely »blind
blind blind«
»Some one that I know Trot« my aunt pursued after a pause »though of a
very pliant disposition has an earnestness of affection in him that reminds me
of poor Baby Earnestness is what that Somebody must look for to sustain him
and improve him Trot Deep downright faithful earnestness«
»If you only knew the earnestness of Dora aunt« I cried
»Oh Trot« she said again »blind blind« and without knowing why I felt
a vague unhappy loss or want of something overshadow me like a cloud
»However« said my aunt »I dont want to put two young creatures out of
conceit with themselves or to make them unhappy so though it is a girl and
boy attachment and girl and boy attachments very often mind I dont say
always come to nothing still well be serious about it and hope for a
prosperous issue one of these days Theres time enough for it to come to
anything«
This was not upon the whole very comforting to a rapturous lover but I was
glad to have my aunt in my confidence and I was mindful of her being fatigued
So I thanked her ardently for this mark of her affection and for all her other
kindnesses towards me and after a tender goodnight she took her nightcap into
my bedroom
How miserable I was when I lay down How I thought and thought about my
being poor in Mr Spenlows eyes about my not being what I thought I was when
I proposed to Dora about the chivalrous necessity of telling Dora what my
worldly condition was and releasing her from her engagement if she thought fit
about how I should contrive to live during the long term of my articles when I
was earning nothing about doing something to assist my aunt and seeing no way
of doing anything about coming down to have no money in my pocket and to wear
a shabby coat and to be able to carry Dora no little presents and to ride no
gallant greys and to show myself in no agreeable light Sordid and selfish as I
knew it was and as I tortured myself by knowing that it was to let my mind run
on my own distress so much I was so devoted to Dora that I could not help it I
knew that it was base in me not to think more of my aunt and less of myself
but so far selfishness was inseparable from Dora and I could not put Dora on
one side for any mortal creature How exceedingly miserable I was that night
As to sleep I had dreams of poverty in all sorts of shapes but I seemed to
dream without the previous ceremony of going to sleep Now I was ragged wanting
to sell Dora matches six bundles for a halfpenny now I was at the office in a
nightgown and boots remonstrated with by Mr Spenlow on appearing before the
clients in that airy attire now I was hungrily picking up the crumbs that fell
from old Tiffeys daily biscuit regularly eaten when St Pauls struck one now
I was hopelessly endeavouring to get a licence to marry Dora having nothing but
one of Uriah Heeps gloves to offer in exchange which the whole Commons
rejected and still more or less conscious of my own room I was always tossing
about like a distressed ship in a sea of bedclothes
My aunt was restless too for I frequently heard her walking to and fro
Two or three times in the course of the night attired in a long flannel wrapper
in which she looked seven feet high she appeared like a disturbed ghost in my
room and came to the side of the sofa on which I lay On the first occasion I
started up in alarm to learn that she inferred from a particular light in the
sky that Westminster Abbey was on fire and to be consulted in reference to the
probability of its igniting Buckingham Street in case the wind changed Lying
still after that I found that she sat down near me whispering to herself
»Poor boy« And then it made me twenty times more wretched to know how
unselfishly mindful she was of me and how selfishly mindful I was of myself
It was difficult to believe that a night so long to me could be short to
anybody else This consideration set me thinking and thinking of an imaginary
party where people were dancing the hours away until that became a dream too
and I heard the music incessantly playing one tune and saw Dora incessantly
dancing one dance without taking the least notice of me The man who had been
playing the harp all night was trying in vain to cover it with an
ordinarysized nightcap when I awoke or I should rather say when I left off
trying to go to sleep and saw the sun shining in through the window at last
There was an old Roman bath in those days at the bottom of one of the
streets out of the Strand it may be there still in which I have had many a
cold plunge Dressing myself as quietly as I could and leaving Peggotty to look
after my aunt I tumbled head foremost into it and then went for a walk to
Hampstead I had a hope that this brisk treatment might freshen my wits a
little and I think it did them good for I soon came to the conclusion that the
first step I ought to take was to try if my articles could be cancelled and the
premium recovered I got some breakfast on the Heath and walked back to
Doctors Commons along the watered roads and through a pleasant smell of summer
flowers growing in gardens and carried into town on hucksters heads intent on
this first effort to meet our altered circumstances
I arrived at the office so soon after all that I had half an hours
loitering about the Commons before old Tiffey who was always first appeared
with his key Then I sat down in my shady corner looking up at the sunlight on
the opposite chimneypots and thinking about Dora until Mr Spenlow came in
crisp and curly
»How are you Copperfield« said he »Fine morning«
»Beautiful morning sir« said I »Could I say a word to you before you go
into Court«
»By all means« said he »Come into my room«
I followed him into his room and he began putting on his gown and touching
himself up before a little glass he had hanging inside a closet door
»I am sorry to say« said I »that I have some rather disheartening
intelligence from my aunt«
»No« said he »Dear me Not paralysis I hope«
»It has no reference to her health sir« I replied »She has met with some
large losses In fact she has very little left indeed«
»You astound me Copperfield« cried Mr Spenlow
I shook my head »Indeed sir« said I »her affairs are so changed that I
wished to ask you whether it would be possible at a sacrifice on our part of
some portion of the premium of course« I put in this on the spur of the
moment warned by the blank expression of his face »to cancel my articles«
What it cost me to make this proposal nobody knows It was like asking as
a favour to be sentenced to transportation from Dora
»To cancel your articles Copperfield Cancel«
I explained with tolerable firmness that I really did not know where my
means of subsistence were to come from unless I could earn them for myself I
had no fear for the future I said and I laid great emphasis on that as if to
imply that I should still be decidedly eligible for a soninlaw one of these
days but for the present I was thrown upon my own resources
»I am extremely sorry to hear this Copperfield« said Mr Spenlow
»Extremely sorry It is not usual to cancel articles for any such reason It is
not a professional course of proceeding It is not a convenient precedent at
all Far from it At the same time «
»You are very good sir« I murmured anticipating a concession
»Not at all Dont mention it« said Mr Spenlow »At the same time I was
going to say if it had been my lot to have my hands unfettered if I had not a
partner Mr Jorkins «
My hopes were dashed in a moment but I made another effort
»Do you think sir« said I »if I were to mention it to Mr Jorkins «
Mr Spenlow shook his head discouragingly »Heaven forbid Copperfield« he
replied »that I should do any man an injustice still less Mr Jorkins But I
know my partner Copperfield Mr Jorkins is not a man to respond to a
proposition of this peculiar nature Mr Jorkins is very difficult to move from
the beaten track You know what he is«
I am sure I knew nothing about him except that he had originally been alone
in the business and now lived by himself in a house near Montagu Square which
was fearfully in want of painting that he came very late of a day and went
away very early that he never appeared to be consulted about anything and that
he had a dingy little blackhole of his own upstairs where no business was
ever done and where there was a yellow old cartridgepaper pad upon his desk
unsoiled by ink and reported to be twenty years of age
»Would you object to my mentioning it to him sir« I asked
»By no means« said Mr Spenlow »But I have some experience of Mr Jorkins
Copperfield I wish it were otherwise for I should be happy to meet your views
in any respect I cannot have the least objection to your mentioning it to Mr
Jorkins Copperfield if you think it worth while«
Availing myself of this permission which was given with a warm shake of the
hand I sat thinking about Dora and looking at the sunlight stealing from the
chimneypots down the wall of the opposite house until Mr Jorkins came I then
went up to Mr Jorkinss room and evidently astonished Mr Jorkins very much by
making my appearance there
»Come in Mr Copperfield« said Mr Jorkins »Come in«
I went in and sat down and stated my case to Mr Jorkins pretty much as I
had stated it to Mr Spenlow Mr Jorkins was not by any means the awful
creature one might have expected but a large mild smoothfaced man of sixty
who took so much snuff that there was a tradition in the Commons that he lived
principally on that stimulant having little room in his system for any other
article of diet
»You have mentioned this to Mr Spenlow I suppose« said Mr Jorkins when
he had heard me very restlessly to an end
I answered Yes and told him that Mr Spenlow had introduced his name
»He said I should object« asked Mr Jorkins
I was obliged to admit that Mr Spenlow had considered it probable
»I am sorry to say Mr Copperfield I cant advance your object« said Mr
Jorkins nervously »The fact is but I have an appointment at the Bank if
youll have the goodness to excuse me«
With that he rose in a great hurry and was going out of the room when I
made bold to say that I feared then there was no way of arranging the matter
»No« said Mr Jorkins stopping at the door to shake his head »Oh no I
object you know« which he said very rapidly and went out »You must be aware
Mr Copperfield« he added looking restlessly in at the door again »if Mr
Spenlow objects «
»Personally he does not object sir« said I
»Oh Personally« repeated Mr Jorkins in an impatient manner »I assure
you theres an objection Mr Copperfield Hopeless What you wish to be done
cant be done I I really have got an appointment at the Bank« With that he
fairly ran away and to the best of my knowledge it was three days before he
showed himself in the Commons again
Being very anxious to leave no stone unturned I waited until Mr Spenlow
came in and then described what had passed giving him to understand that I was
not hopeless of his being able to soften the adamantine Jorkins if he would
undertake the task
»Copperfield« returned Mr Spenlow with a gracious smile »you have not
known my partner Mr Jorkins as long as I have Nothing is farther from my
thoughts than to attribute any degree of artifice to Mr Jorkins But Mr
Jorkins has a way of stating his objections which often deceives people No
Copperfield« shaking his head »Mr Jorkins is not to be moved believe me«
I was completely bewildered between Mr Spenlow and Mr Jorkins as to which
of them really was the objecting partner but I saw with sufficient clearness
that there was obduracy somewhere in the firm and that the recovery of my
aunts thousand pounds was out of the question In a state of despondency which
I remember with anything but satisfaction for I know it still had too much
reference to myself though always in connexion with Dora I left the office
and went homeward
I was trying to familiarise my mind with the worst and to present to myself
the arrangements we should have to make for the future in their sternest aspect
when a hackney chariot coming after me and stopping at my very feet occasioned
me to look up A fair hand was stretched forth to me from the window and the
face I had never seen without a feeling of serenity and happiness from the
moment when it first turned back on the old oak staircase with the great broad
balustrade and when I associated its softened beauty with the stained glass
window in the church was smiling on me
»Agnes« I joyfully exclaimed »Oh my dear Agnes of all people in the
world what a pleasure to see you«
»Is it indeed« she said in her cordial voice
»I want to talk to you so much« said I »Its such lightening of my heart
only to look at you If I had had a conjurers cap there is no one I should
have wished for but you«
»What« returned Agnes
»Well perhaps Dora first« I admitted with a blush
»Certainly Dora first I hope« said Agnes laughing
»But you next« said I »Where are you going«
She was going to my rooms to see my aunt The day being very fine she was
glad to come out of the chariot which smelt I had my head in it all this time
like a stable put under a cucumberframe I dismissed the coachman an she took
my arm and we walked on together She was like Hope embodied to me How
different I felt in one short minute having Agnes at my side
My aunt had written her one of the odd abrupt notes very little longer
than a Bank note to which her epistolary efforts were usually limited She had
stated therein that she had fallen into adversity and was leaving Dover for
good but had quite made up her mind to it and was so well that nobody need be
uncomfortable about her Agnes had come to London to see my aunt between whom
and herself there had been a mutual liking these many years indeed it dated
from the time of my taking up my residence in Mr Wickfields house She was not
alone she said Her papa was with her and Uriah Heep
»And now they are partners« said I »Confound him«
»Yes« said Agnes »They have some business here and I took advantage of
their coming to come too You must not think my visit all friendly and
disinterested Trotwood for I am afraid I may be cruelly prejudiced I do
not like to let papa go away alone with him«
»Does he exercise the same influence over Mr Wickfield still Agnes«
Agnes shook her head »There is such a change at home« said she »that you
would scarcely know the dear old house They live with us now«
»They« said I
»Mr Heep and his mother He sleeps in your old room« said Agnes looking
up into my face
»I wish I had the ordering of his dreams« said I »He wouldnt sleep there
long«
»I keep my own little room« said Agnes »where I used to learn my lessons
How the time goes You remember The little panelled room that opens from the
drawingroom«
»Remember Agnes When I saw you for the first time coming out at the
door with your quaint little basket of keys hanging at your side«
»It is just the same« said Agnes smiling »I am glad you think of it so
pleasantly We were very happy«
»We were indeed« said I
»I keep that room to myself still but I cannot always desert Mrs Heep you
know And so« said Agnes quietly »I feel obliged to bear her company when I
might prefer to be alone But I have no other reason to complain of her If she
tires me sometimes by her praises of her son it is only natural in a mother
He is a very good son to her«
I looked at Agnes when she said these words without detecting in her any
consciousness of Uriahs design Her mild but earnest eyes met mine with their
own beautiful frankness and there was no change in her gentle face
»The chief evil of their presence in the house« said Agnes »is that I
cannot be as near papa as I could wish Uriah Heep being so much between us
and cannot watch over him if that is not too bold a thing to say as closely as
I would But if any fraud or treachery is practising against him I hope that
simple love and truth will be stronger in the end I hope that real love and
truth are stronger in the end than any evil or misfortune in the world«
A certain bright smile which I never saw on any other face died away even
while I thought how good it was and how familiar it had once been to me and
she asked me with a quick change of expression we were drawing very near my
street if I knew how the reverse in my aunts circumstances had been brought
about On my replying no she had not told me yet Agnes became thoughtful and
I fancied I felt her arm tremble in mine
We found my aunt alone in a state of some excitement A difference of
opinion had arisen between herself and Mrs Crupp on an abstract question the
propriety of chambers being inhabited by the gentler sex and my aunt utterly
indifferent to spasms on the part of Mrs Crupp had cut the dispute short by
informing that lady that she smelt of my brandy and that she would trouble her
to walk out Both of these expressions Mrs Crupp considered actionable and had
expressed her intention of bringing before a British Judy meaning it was
supposed the bulwark of our national liberties
My aunt however having had time to cool while Peggotty was out showing
Mr Dick the soldiers at the Horse Guards and being besides greatly pleased
to see Agnes rather plumed herself on the affair than otherwise and received
us with unimpaired good humour When Agnes laid her bonnet on the table and sat
down beside her I could not but think looking on her mild eyes and her radiant
forehead how natural it seemed to have her there how trustfully although she
was so young and inexperienced my aunt confided in her how strong she was
indeed in simple love and truth
We began to talk about my aunts losses and I told them what I had tried to
do that morning
»Which was injudicious Trot« said my aunt »but well meant You are a
generous boy I suppose I must say young man now and I am proud of you my
dear So far so good Now Trot and Agnes let us look the case of Betsey
Trotwood in the face and see how it stands«
I observed Agnes turn pale as she looked very attentively at my aunt My
aunt patting her cat looked very attentively at Agnes
»Betsey Trotwood« said my aunt who had always kept her money matters to
herself » I dont mean your sister Trot my dear but myself had a certain
property It dont matter how much enough to live on More for she had saved a
little and added to it Betsey funded her property for some time and then by
the advice of her man of business laid it out on landed security That did very
well and returned very good interest till Betsey was paid off I am talking of
Betsey as if she was a manofwar Well Then Betsey had to look about her for
a new investment She thought she was wiser now than her man of business who
was not such a good man of business by this time as he used to be I am
alluding to your father Agnes and she took it into her head to lay it out for
herself So she took her pigs« said my aunt »to a foreign market and a very
bad market it turned out to be First she lost in the mining way and then she
lost in the diving way fishing up treasure or some such Tom Tidler nonsense«
explained my aunt rubbing her nose »and then she lost in the mining way again
and last of all to set the thing entirely to rights she lost in the banking
way I dont know what the Bank shares were worth for a little while« said my
aunt »cent per cent was the lowest of it I believe but the Bank was at the
other end of the world and tumbled into space for what I know anyhow it fell
to pieces and never will an never can pay sixpence and Betseys sixpences were
all there and theres an end of them Least said soonest mended«
My aunt concluded this philosophical summary by fixing her eyes with a kind
of triumph on Agnes whose colour was gradually returning
»Dear Miss Trotwood is that all the history« said Agnes
»I hope its enough child« said my aunt »If there had been more money to
lose it wouldnt have been all I dare say Betsey would have contrived to
throw that after the rest and make another chapter I have little doubt But
there was no more money and theres no more story«
Agnes had listened at first with suspended breath Her colour still came and
went but she breathed more freely I thought I knew why I thought she had had
some fear that her unhappy father might be in some way to blame for what had
happened My aunt took her hand in hers and laughed
»Is that all« repeated my aunt »Why yes thats all except And she
lived happy ever afterwards Perhaps I may add that of Betsey yet one of these
days Now Agnes you have a wise head So have you Trot in some things
though I cant compliment you always« and here my aunt shook her own at me
with an energy peculiar to herself »Whats to be done Heres the cottage
taking one time with another will produce say seventy pounds ayear I think
we may safely put it down at that Well Thats all weve got« said my aunt
with whom it was an idiosyncrasy as it is with some horses to stop very short
when she appeared to be in a fair way of going on for a long while
»Then« said my aunt after a rest »theres Dick Hes good for a hundred
ayear but of course that must be expended on himself I would sooner send him
away though I know I am the only person who appreciates him than have him and
not spend his money on himself How can Trot and I do best upon our means What
do you say Agnes«
»I say aunt« I interposed »that I must do something«
»Go for a soldier do you mean« returned my aunt alarmed »or go to sea I
wont hear of it You are to be a proctor Were not going to have any knockings
on the head in this family if you please sir«
I was about to explain that I was not desirous of introducing that mode of
provision into the family when Agnes inquired if my rooms were held for any
long term
»You come to the point my dear« said my aunt »They are not to be got rid
of for six months at least unless they could be underlet and that I dont
believe The last man died here Five people out of six would die of course
of that woman in nankeen with the flannel petticoat I have a little ready
money and I agree with you the best thing we can do is to live the term out
here and get Dick a bedroom hard by«
I thought it my duty to hint at the discomfort my aunt would sustain from
living in a continual state of guerilla warfare with Mrs Crupp but she
disposed of that objection summarily by declaring that on the first
demonstration of hostilities she was prepared to astonish Mrs Crupp for the
whole remainder of her natural life
»I have been thinking Trotwood« said Agnes diffidently »that if you had
time «
»I have a good deal of time Agnes I am always disengaged after four or
five oclock and I have time early in the morning In one way and another«
said I conscious of reddening a little as I thought of the hours and hours I
had devoted to fagging about town and to and fro upon the Norwood Road »I have
abundance of time«
»I know you would not mind« said Agnes coming to me and speaking in a low
voice so full of sweet and hopeful consideration that I hear it now »the
duties of a secretary«
»Mind my dear Agnes«
»Because« continued Agnes »Doctor Strong has acted on his intention of
retiring and has come to live in London and he asked papa I know if he could
recommend him one Dont you think he would rather have his favourite old pupil
near him than anybody else«
»Dear Agnes« said I »What should I do without you You are always my good
angel I told you so I never think of you in any other light«
Agnes answered with her pleasant laugh that one good Angel meaning Dora
was enough and went on to remind me that the Doctor had been used to occupy
himself in his study early in the morning and in the evening and that
probably my leisure would suit his requirements very well I was scarcely more
delighted with the prospect of earning my own bread than with the hope of
earning it under my old master in short acting on the advice of Agnes I sat
down and wrote a letter to the Doctor stating my object and appointing to call
on him next day at ten in the forenoon This I addressed to Highgate for in
that place so memorable to me he lived and went and posted myself without
losing a minute
Wherever Agnes was some agreeable token of her noiseless presence seemed
inseparable from the place When I came back I found my aunts birds hanging
just as they had hung so long in the parlour window of the cottage and my easy
chair imitating my aunts much easier chair in its position at the open window
and even the round green fan which my aunt had brought away with her screwed
on to the windowsill I knew who had done all this by its seeming to have
quietly done itself; and I should have known in a moment who had arranged my
neglected books in the old order of my school days even if I had supposed Agnes
to be miles away instead of seeing her busy with them and smiling at the
disorder into which they had fallen
My aunt was quite gracious on the subject of the Thames it really did look
very well with the sun upon it though not like the sea before the cottage but
she could not relent towards the London smoke which she said »peppered
everything« A complete revolution in which Peggotty bore a prominent part was
being effected in every corner of my rooms in regard of this pepper and I was
looking on thinking how little even Peggotty seemed to do with a good deal of
bustle and how much Agnes did without any bustle at all when a knock came at
the door
»I think« said Agnes turning pale »its papa He promised me that he
would come«
I opened the door and admitted not only Mr Wickfield but Uriah Heep I
had not seen Mr Wickfield for some time I was prepared for a great change in
him after what I had heard from Agnes but his appearance shocked me
It was not that he looked many years older though still dressed with the
old scrupulous cleanliness or that there was an unwholesome ruddiness upon his
face or that his eyes were full and bloodshot or that there was a nervous
trembling in his hand the cause of which I knew and had for some years seen at
work It was not that he had lost his good looks or his old bearing of a
gentleman for that he had not but the thing that struck me most was that
with the evidences of his native superiority still upon him he should submit
himself to that crawling impersonation of meanness Uriah Heep The reversal of
the two natures in their relative positions Uriahs of power and Mr
Wickfields of dependence was a sight more painful to me than I can express If
I had seen an Ape taking command of a Man I should hardly have thought it a
more degrading spectacle
He appeared to be only too conscious of it himself When he came in he
stood still and with his head bowed as if he felt it This was only for a
moment for Agnes softly said to him »Papa Here is Miss Trotwood and
Trotwood whom you have not seen for a long while« and then he approached and
constrainedly gave my aunt his hand and shook hands more cordially with me In
the moments pause I speak of I saw Uriahs countenance form itself into a most
illfavoured smile Agnes saw it too I think for she shrank from him
What my aunt saw or did not see I defy the science of physiognomy to have
made out without her own consent I believe there never was anybody with such
an imperturbable countenance when she chose Her face might have been a dead
wall on the occasion in question for any light it threw upon her thoughts
until she broke silence with her usual abruptness
»Well Wickfield« said my aunt and he looked up at her for the first time
»I have been telling your daughter how well I have been disposing of my money
for myself because I couldnt trust it to you as you were growing rusty in
business matters We have been taking counsel together and getting on very
well all things considered Agnes is worth the whole firm in my opinion«
»If I may umbly make the remark« said Uriah Heep with a writhe »I fully
agree with Miss Betsey Trotwood and should be only too appy if Miss Agnes was a
partner«
»Youre a partner yourself you know« returned my aunt »and thats about
enough for you I expect How do you find yourself sir«
In acknowledgment of this question addressed to him with extraordinary
curtness Mr Heep uncomfortably clutching the blue bag he carried replied
that he was pretty well he thanked my aunt and hoped she was the same
»And you Master I should say Mister Copperfield« pursued Uriah »I hope
I see you well I am rejoiced to see you Mister Copperfield even under present
circumstances« I believed that for he seemed to relish them very much
»Present circumstances is not what your friends would wish for you Mister
Copperfield but it isnt money makes the man its I am really unequal with
my umble powers to express what it is« said Uriah with a fawning jerk »but it
isnt money«
Here he shook hands with me not in the common way but standing at a good
distance from me and lifting my hand up and down like a pump handle that he
was a little afraid of
»And how do you think we are looking Master Copperfield I should say
Mister« fawned Uriah »Dont you find Mr Wickfield blooming sir Years dont
tell much in our firm Master Copperfield except in raising up the umble
namely mother and self and in developing« he added as an afterthought
»the beautiful namely Miss Agnes«
He jerked himself about after this compliment in such an intolerable
manner that my aunt who had sat looking straight at him lost all patience
»Deuce take the man« said my aunt sternly »whats he about Dont be
galvanic sir«
»I ask your pardon Miss Trotwood« returned Uriah »Im aware youre
nervous«
»Go along with you sir« said my aunt anything but appeased »Dont
presume to say so I am nothing of the sort If youre an eel sir conduct
yourself like one If youre a man control your limbs sir Good God« said my
aunt with great indignation »I am not going to be serpentined and corkscrewed
out of my senses«
Mr Heep was rather abashed as most people might have been by this
explosion which derived great additional force from the indignant manner in
which my aunt afterwards moved in her chair and shook her head as if she were
making snaps or bounces at him But he said to me aside in a meek voice
»I am well aware Master Copperfield that Miss Trotwood though an
excellent lady has a quick temper indeed I think I had the pleasure of knowing
her when I was an umble clerk before you did Master Copperfield and its
only natural I am sure that it should be made quicker by present
circumstances The wonder is that it isnt much worse I only called to say
that if there was anything we could do in present circumstances mother or
self or Wickfield and Heep we should be really glad I may go so far« said
Uriah with a sickly smile at his partner
»Uriah Heep« said Mr Wickfield in a monotonous forced way »is active in
the business Trotwood What he says I quite concur in You know I had an old
interest in you Apart from that what Uriah says I quite concur in«
»Oh what a reward it is« said Uriah drawing up one leg at the risk of
bringing down upon himself another visitation from my aunt »to be so trusted
in But I hope I am able to do something to relieve him from the fatigues of
business Master Copperfield«
»Uriah Heep is a great relief to me« said Mr Wickfield in the same dull
voice »Its a load off my mind Trotwood to have such a partner«
The red fox made him say all this I knew to exhibit him to me in the light
he had indicated on the night when he poisoned my rest I saw the same
illfavoured smile upon his face again and saw how he watched me
»You are not going papa« said Agnes anxiously »Will you not walk back
with Trotwood and me«
He would have looked to Uriah I believe before replying if that worthy
had not anticipated him
»I am bespoke myself« said Uriah »on business otherwise I should have
been appy to have kept with my friends But I leave my partner to represent the
firm Miss Agnes ever yours I wish you goodday Master Copperfield and leave
my umble respects for Miss Betsey Trotwood«
With those words he retired kissing his great hand and leering at us like
a mask
We sat there talking about our pleasant old Canterbury days an hour or
two Mr Wickfield left to Agnes soon became more like his former self though
there was a settled depression upon him which he never shook off For all that
he brightened and had an evident pleasure in hearing us recall the little
incidents of our old life many of which he remembered very well He said it was
like those times to be alone with Agnes and me again and he wished to Heaven
they had never changed I am sure there was an influence in the placid face of
Agnes and in the very touch of her hand upon his arm that did wonders for him
My aunt who was busy nearly all this while with Peggotty in the inner
room would not accompany us to the place where they were staying but insisted
on my going and I went We dined together After dinner Agnes sat beside him
as of old and poured out his wine He took what she gave him and no more
like a child and we all three sat together at a window as the evening gathered
in When it was almost dark he lay down on a sofa Agnes pillowing his head and
bending over him a little while and when she came back to the window it was
not so dark but I could see tears glittering in her eyes
I pray Heaven that I never may forget the dear girl in her love and truth
at that time of my life for if I should I must be drawing near the end and
then I would desire to remember her best She filled my heart with such good
resolutions strengthened my weakness so by her example so directed I know
not how she was too modest and gentle to advise me in many words the
wandering ardour and unsettled purpose within me that all the little good I
have done and all the harm I have forborne I solemnly believe I may refer to
her
And how she spoke to me of Dora sitting at the window in the dark listened
to my praises of her praised again and round the little fairyfigure shed some
glimpses of her own pure light that made it yet more precious and more innocent
to me Oh Agnes sister of my boyhood if I had known then what I knew long
afterwards
There was a beggar in the street when I went down and as I turned my head
towards the window thinking of her calm seraphic eyes he made me start by
muttering as if he were an echo of the morning
»Blind Blind Blind«
Chapter XXXVI
Enthusiasm
I began the next day with another dive into the Roman bath and then started for
Highgate I was not dispirited now I was not afraid of the shabby coat and had
no yearnings after gallant greys My whole manner of thinking of our late
misfortune was changed What I had to do was to show my aunt that her past
goodness to me had not been thrown away on an insensible ungrateful object
What I had to do was to turn the painful discipline of my younger days to
account by going to work with a resolute and steady heart What I had to do
was to take my woodmans axe in my hand and clear my own way through the
forest of difficulty by cutting down the trees until I came to Dora And I went
on at a mighty rate as if it could be done by walking
When I found myself on the familiar Highgate road pursuing such a different
errand from that old one of pleasure with which it was associated it seemed as
if a complete change had come on my whole life But that did not discourage me
With the new life came new purpose new intention Great was the labour
priceless the reward Dora was the reward and Dora must be won
I got into such a transport that I felt quite sorry my coat was not a
little shabby already I wanted to be cutting at those trees in the forest of
difficulty under circumstances that should prove my strength I had a good mind
to ask an old man in wire spectacles who was breaking stones upon the road to
lend me his hammer for a little while and let me begin to beat a path to Dora
out of granite I stimulated myself into such a heat and got so out of breath
that I felt as if I had been earning I dont know how much In this state I
went into a cottage that I saw was to let and examined it narrowly for I
felt it necessary to be practical It would do for me and Dora admirably with a
little front garden for Jip to run about in and bark at the tradespeople
through the railings and a capital room upstairs for my aunt I came out
again hotter and faster than ever and dashed up to Highgate at such a rate
that I was there an hour too early and though I had not been should have been
obliged to stroll about to cool myself before I was at all presentable
My first care after putting myself under this necessary course of
preparation was to find the Doctors house It was not in that part of Highgate
where Mrs Steerforth lived but quite on the opposite side of the little town
When I had made this discovery I went back in an attraction I could not
resist to a lane by Mrs Steerforths and looked over the corner of the garden
wall His room was shut up close The conservatory doors were standing open and
Rosa Dartle was walking bareheaded with a quick impetuous step up and down a
gravel walk on one side of the lawn She gave me the idea of some fierce thing
that was dragging the length of its chain to and fro upon a beaten track and
wearing its heart out
I came softly away from my place of observation and avoiding that part of
the neighbourhood and wishing I had not gone near it strolled about until it
was ten oclock The church with the slender spire that stands on the top of
the hill now was not there then to tell me the time An old redbrick mansion
used as a school was in its place and a fine old house it must have been to go
to school at as I recollect it
When I approached the Doctors cottage a pretty old place on which he
seemed to have expended some money if I might judge from the embellishments and
repairs that had the look of being just completed I saw him walking in the
garden at the side gaiters and all as if he had never left off walking since
the days of my pupilage He had his old companions about him too for there
were plenty of high trees in the neighbourhood and two or three rooks were on
the grass looking after him as if they had been written to about him by the
Canterbury rooks and were observing him closely in consequence
Knowing the utter hopelessness of attracting his attention from that
distance I made bold to open the gate and walk after him so as to meet him
when he should turn round When he did and came towards me he looked at me
thoughtfully for a few moments evidently without thinking about me at all and
then his benevolent face expressed extraordinary pleasure and he took me by
both hands
»Why my dear Copperfield« said the Doctor »you are a man How do you do
I am delighted to see you My dear Copperfield how very much you have improved
You are quite yes dear me«
I hoped he was well and Mrs Strong too
»Oh dear yes« said the Doctor »Annies quite well and shell be
delighted to see you You were always her favourite She said so last night
when I showed her your letter And yes to be sure you recollect Mr Jack
Maldon Copperfield«
»Perfectly sir«
»Of course« said the Doctor »To be sure Hes pretty well too«
»Has he come home sir« I inquired
»From India« said the Doctor »Yes Mr Jack Maldon couldnt bear the
climate my dear Mrs Markleham you have not forgotten Mrs Markleham«
Forgotten the Old Soldier And in that short time
»Mrs Markleham« said the Doctor »was quite vexed about him poor thing
so we have got him at home again and we have bought him a little Patent place
which agrees with him much better«
I knew enough of Mr Jack Maldon to suspect from this account that it was a
place where there was not much to do and which was pretty well paid The
Doctor walking up and down with his hand on my shoulder and his kind face
turned encouragingly to mine went on
»Now my dear Copperfield in reference to this proposal of yours Its very
gratifying and agreeable to me I am sure but dont you think you could do
better You achieved distinction you know when you were with us You are
qualified for many good things You have laid a foundation that any edifice may
be raised upon and is it not a pity that you should devote the springtime of
your life to such a poor pursuit as I can offer«
I became very glowing again and expressing myself in a rhapsodical style
I am afraid urged my request strongly reminding the Doctor that I had already
a profession
»Well well« said the Doctor »thats true Certainly your having a
profession and being actually engaged in studying it makes a difference But
my good young friend whats seventy pounds ayear«
»It doubles our income Doctor Strong« said I
»Dear me« replied the Doctor »To think of that Not that I mean to say
its rigidly limited to seventy pounds ayear because I have always
contemplated making any young friend I might thus employ a present too
Undoubtedly« said the Doctor still walking me up and down with his hand on my
shoulder »I have always taken an annual present into account«
»My dear tutor« said I now really without any nonsense »to whom I owe
more obligations already than I ever can acknowledge «
»No no« interposed the Doctor »Pardon me«
»If you will take such time as I have and that is my mornings and evenings
and can think it worth seventy pounds ayear you will do me such a service as I
cannot express«
»Dear me« said the Doctor innocently »To think that so little should go
for so much Dear dear And when you can do better you will On your word
now« said the Doctor which he had always made a very grave appeal to the
honour of us boys
»On my word sir« I returned answering in our old school manner
»Then be it so« said the Doctor clapping me on the shoulder and still
keeping his hand there as we still walked up and down
»And I shall be twenty times happier sir« said I with a little I hope
innocent flattery »if my employment is to be on the Dictionary«
The Doctor stopped smilingly clapped me on the shoulder again and
exclaimed with a triumph most delightful to behold as if I had penetrated to
the profoundest depths of mortal sagacity »My dear young friend you have hit
it It is the Dictionary«
How could it be anything else His pockets were as full of it as his head
It was sticking out of him in all directions He told me that since his
retirement from scholastic life he had been advancing with it wonderfully and
that nothing could suit him better than the proposed arrangements for morning
and evening work as it was his custom to walk about in the daytime with his
considering cap on His papers were in a little confusion in consequence of Mr
Jack Maldon having lately proffered his occasional services as an amanuensis
and not being accustomed to that occupation but we should soon put right what
was amiss and go on swimmingly Afterwards when we were fairly at our work I
found Mr Jack Maldons efforts more troublesome to me than I had expected as
he had not confined himself to making numerous mistakes but had sketched so
many soldiers and ladies heads over the Doctors manuscript that I often
became involved in labyrinths of obscurity
The Doctor was quite happy in the prospect of our going to work together on
that wonderful performance and we settled to begin next morning at seven
oclock We were to work two hours every morning and two or three hours every
night except on Saturdays when I was to rest On Sundays of course I was to
rest also and I considered these very easy terms
Our plans being thus arranged to our mutual satisfaction the Doctor took me
into the house to present me to Mrs Strong whom we found in the Doctors new
study dusting his books a freedom which he never permitted anybody else to
take with those sacred favourites
They had postponed their breakfast on my account and we sat down to table
together We had not been seated long when I saw an approaching arrival in Mrs
Strongs face before I heard any sound of it A gentleman on horseback came to
the gate and leading his horse into the little court with the bridle over his
arm as if he were quite at home tied him to a ring in the empty coachhouse
wall and came into the breakfast parlour whip in hand It was Mr Jack Maldon
and Mr Jack Maldon was not at all improved by India I thought I was in a
state of ferocious virtue however as to young men who were not cutting down
the trees in the forest of difficulty and my impression must be received with
due allowance
»Mr Jack« said the Doctor »Copperfield«
Mr Jack Maldon shook hands with me but not very warmly I believed and
with an air of languid patronage at which I secretly took great umbrage But
his languor altogether was quite a wonderful sight except when he addressed
himself to his cousin Annie
»Have you breakfasted this morning Mr Jack« said the Doctor
»I hardly ever take breakfast sir« he replied with his head thrown back
in an easy chair »I find it bores me«
»Is there any news today« inquired the Doctor
»Nothing at all sir« replied Mr Maldon »Theres an account about the
people being hungry and discontented down in the North but they are always
being hungry and discontented somewhere«
The Doctor looked grave and said as though he wished to change the
subject »Then theres no news at all and no news they say is good news«
»Theres a long statement in the papers sir about a murder« observed Mr
Maldon »But somebody is always being murdered and I didnt read it«
A display of indifference to all the actions and passions of mankind was not
supposed to be such a distinguished quality at that time I think as I have
observed it to be considered since I have known it very fashionable indeed I
have seen it displayed with such success that I have encountered some fine
ladies and gentlemen who might as well have been born caterpillars Perhaps it
impressed me the more then because it was new to me but it certainly did not
tend to exalt my opinion of or to strengthen my confidence in Mr Jack Maldon
»I came out to inquire whether Annie would like to go to the opera
tonight« said Mr Maldon turning to her »Its the last good night there will
be this season and theres a singer there whom she really ought to hear She
is perfectly exquisite Besides which she is so charmingly ugly« relapsing
into languor
The Doctor ever pleased with what was likely to please his young wife
turned to her and said
»You must go Annie You must go«
»I would rather not« she said to the Doctor »I prefer to remain at home I
would much rather remain at home«
Without looking at her cousin she then addressed me and asked me about
Agnes and whether she should see her and whether she was not likely to come
that day and was so much disturbed that I wondered how even the Doctor
buttering his toast could be blind to what was so obvious
But he saw nothing He told her goodnaturedly that she was young and
ought to be amused and entertained and must not allow herself to be made dull
by a dull old fellow Moreover he said he wanted to hear her sing all the new
singers songs to him and how could she do that well unless she went So the
Doctor persisted in making the engagement for her and Mr Jack Maldon was to
come back to dinner This concluded he went to his Patent place I suppose but
at all events went away on his horse looking very idle
I was curious to find out next morning whether she had been She had not
but had sent into London to put her cousin off and had gone out in the
afternoon to see Agnes and had prevailed upon the Doctor to go with her and
they had walked home by the fields the Doctor told me the evening being
delightful I wondered then whether she would have gone if Agnes had not been
in town and whether Agnes had some good influence over her too
She did not look very happy I thought but it was a good face or a very
false one I often glanced at it for she sat in the window all the time we were
at work and made our breakfast which we took by snatches as we were employed
When I left at nine oclock she was kneeling on the ground at the Doctors
feet putting on his shoes and gaiters for him There was a softened shade upon
her face thrown from some green leaves overhanging the open window of the low
room and I thought all the way to Doctors Commons of the night when I had
seen it looking at him as he read
I was pretty busy now up at five in the morning and home at nine or ten at
night But I had infinite satisfaction in being so closely engaged and never
walked slowly on any account and felt enthusiastically that the more I tired
myself the more I was doing to deserve Dora I had not revealed myself in my
altered character to Dora yet because she was coming to see Miss Mills in a few
days and I deferred all I had to tell her until then merely informing her in
my letters all our communications were secretly forwarded through Miss Mills
that I had much to tell her In the meantime I put myself on a short allowance
of bears grease wholly abandoned scented soap and lavender water and sold off
three waistcoats at a prodigious sacrifice as being too luxurious for my stern
career
Not satisfied with all these proceedings but burning with impatience to do
something more I went to see Traddles now lodging up behind the parapet of a
house in Castle Street Holborn Mr Dick who had been with me to Highgate
twice already and had resumed his companionship with the Doctor I took with
me
I took Mr Dick with me because acutely sensitive to my aunts reverses
and sincerely believing that no galleyslave or convict worked as I did he had
begun to fret and worry himself out of spirits and appetite as having nothing
useful to do In this condition he felt more incapable of finishing the
Memorial than ever and the harder he worked at it the oftener that unlucky
head of King Charles the First got into it Seriously apprehending that his
malady would increase unless we put some innocent deception upon him and caused
him to believe that he was useful or unless we could put him in the way of
being really useful which would be better I made up my mind to try if
Traddles could help us Before we went I wrote Traddles a full statement of all
that had happened and Traddles wrote me back a capital answer expressive of
his sympathy and friendship
We found him hard at work with his inkstand and papers refreshed by the
sight of the flowerpot stand and the little round table in a corner of the
small apartment He received us cordially and made friends with Mr Dick in a
moment Mr Dick professed an absolute certainty of having seen him before and
we both said »Very likely«
The first subject on which I had to consult Traddles was this I had heard
that many men distinguished in various pursuits had begun life by reporting the
debates in Parliament Traddles having mentioned newspapers to me as one of his
hopes I had put the two things together and told Traddles in my letter that I
wished to know how I could qualify myself for this pursuit Traddles now
informed me as the result of his inquiries that the mere mechanical
acquisition necessary except in rare cases for thorough excellence in it that
is to say a perfect and entire command of the mystery of shorthand writing and
reading was about equal in difficulty to the mastery of six languages and that
it might perhaps be attained by dint of perseverance in the course of a few
years Traddles reasonably supposed that this would settle the business but I
only feeling that here indeed were a few tall trees to be hewn down immediately
resolved to work my way on to Dora through this thicket axe in hand
»I am very much obliged to you my dear Traddles« said I »Ill begin
tomorrow«
Traddles looked astonished as he well might but he had no notion as yet of
my rapturous condition
»Ill buy a book« said I »with a good scheme of this art in it Ill work
at it at the Commons where I havent half enough to do Ill take down the
speeches in our court for practice Traddles my dear fellow Ill master it«
»Dear me« said Traddles opening his eyes »I had no idea you were such a
determined character Copperfield«
I dont know how he should have had for it was new enough to me I passed
that off and brought Mr Dick on the carpet
»You see« said Mr Dick wistfully »if I could exert myself Mr Traddles
if I could beat a drum or blow anything«
Poor fellow I have little doubt he would have preferred such an employment
in his heart to all others Traddles who would not have smiled for the world
replied composedly
»But you are a very good penman sir You told me so Copperfield«
»Excellent« said I And indeed he was He wrote with extraordinary
neatness
»Dont you think« said Traddles »you could copy writings sir if I got
them for you«
Mr Dick looked doubtfully at me »Eh Trotwood«
I shook my head Mr Dick shook his and sighed »Tell him about the
Memorial« said Mr Dick
I explained to Traddles that there was a difficulty in keeping King Charles
the First out of Mr Dicks manuscripts Mr Dick in the meanwhile looking very
deferentially and seriously at Traddles and sucking his thumb
»But these writings you know that I speak of are already drawn up and
finished« said Traddles after a little consideration »Mr Dick has nothing to
do with them Wouldnt that make a difference Copperfield At all events
wouldnt it be well to try«
This gave us new hope Traddles and I laying our heads together apart while
Mr Dick anxiously watched us from his chair we concocted a scheme in virtue of
which we got him to work next day with triumphant success
On a table by the window in Buckingham Street we set out the work Traddles
procured for him which was to make I forget how many copies of a legal
document about some right of way and on another table we spread the last
unfinished original of the great Memorial Our instructions to Mr Dick were
that he should copy exactly what he had before him without the least departure
from the original and that when he felt it necessary to make the slightest
allusion to King Charles the First he should fly to the Memorial We exhorted
him to be resolute in this and left my aunt to observe him My aunt reported to
us afterwards that at first he was like a man playing the kettledrums and
constantly divided his attentions between the two but that finding this
confuse and fatigue him and having his copy there plainly before his eyes he
soon sat at it in an orderly businesslike manner and postponed the Memorial to
a more convenient time In a word although we took great care that he should
have no more to do than was good for him and although he did not begin with the
beginning of a week he earned by the following Saturday night ten shillings and
nine pence and never while I live shall I forget his going about to all the
shops in the neighbourhood to change this treasure into sixpences or his
bringing them to my aunt arranged in the form of a heart upon a waiter with
tears of joy and pride in his eyes He was like one under the propitious
influence of a charm from the moment of his being usefully employed and if
there were a happy man in the world that Saturday night it was the grateful
creature who thought my aunt the most wonderful woman in existence, and me the
most wonderful young man
»No starving now Trotwood« said Mr Dick shaking hands with me in a
corner »Ill provide for her sir« and he flourished his ten fingers in the
air as if they were ten banks
I hardly know which was the better pleased Traddles or I »It really« said
Traddles suddenly taking a letter out of his pocket and giving it to me »put
Mr Micawber quite out of my head«
The letter Mr Micawber never missed any possible opportunity of writing a
letter was addressed to me »By the kindness of T Traddles Esquire of the
Inner Temple« It ran thus
»My dear Copperfield
You may possibly not be unprepared to receive the intimation that
something has turned up I may have mentioned to you on a former
occasion that I was in expectation of such an event
I am about to establish myself in one of the provincial towns of our
favoured island where the society may be described as a happy admixture
of the agricultural and the clerical in immediate connexion with one
of the learned professions Mrs Micawber and our offspring will
accompany me Our ashes at a future period will probably be found
commingled in the cemetery attached to a venerable pile for which the
spot to which I refer has acquired a reputation shall I say from China
to Peru
In bidding adieu to the modern Babylon where we have undergone many
vicissitudes I trust not ignobly Mrs Micawber and myself cannot
disguise from our minds that we part it may be for years and it may be
for ever with an individual linked by strong associations to the altar
of our domestic life If on the eve of such a departure you will
accompany our mutual friend Mr Thomas Traddles to our present abode
and there reciprocate the wishes natural to the occasion you will
confer a Boon
O n
O ne
W ho
I s
Ever yours
WILKINS MICAWBER«
I was glad to find that Mr Micawber had got rid of his dust and ashes and that
something really had turned up at last Learning from Traddles that the
invitation referred to the evening then wearing away I expressed my readiness
to do honour to it and we went off together to the lodging which Mr Micawber
occupied as Mr Mortimer and which was situated near the top of the Grays Inn
Road
The resources of this lodging were so limited that we found the twins now
some eight or nine years old reposing in a turnup bedstead in the family
sittingroom where Mr Micawber had prepared in a washhandstand jug what he
called a Brew of the agreeable beverage for which he was famous I had the
pleasure on this occasion of renewing the acquaintance of Master Micawber
whom I found a promising boy of about twelve or thirteen very subject to that
restlessness of limb which is not an unfrequent phenomenon in youths of his age
I also became once more known to his sister Miss Micawber in whom as Mr
Micawber told us »her mother renewed her youth like the Phoenix«
»My dear Copperfield« said Mr Micawber »yourself and Mr Traddles find us
on the brink of migration and will excuse any little discomforts incidental to
that position«
Glancing round as I made a suitable reply I observed that the family
effects were already packed and that the amount of luggage was by no means
overwhelming I congratulated Mrs Micawber on the approaching change
»My dear Mr Copperfield« said Mrs Micawber »of your friendly interest in
all our affairs I am well assured My family may consider it banishment if
they please but I am a wife and mother and I never will desert Mr Micawber«
Traddles appealed to by Mrs Micawbers eye feelingly acquiesced
»That« said Mrs Micawber »that at least is my view my dear Mr
Copperfield and Mr Traddles of the obligation which I took upon myself when I
repeated the irrevocable words I Emma take thee Wilkins I read the service
over with a flatcandle on the previous night and the conclusion I derived from
it was that I never could desert Mr Micawber And« said Mrs Micawber
»though it is possible I may be mistaken in my view of the ceremony I never
will«
»My dear« said Mr Micawber a little impatiently »I am not conscious that
you are expected to do anything of the sort«
»I am aware my dear Mr Copperfield« pursued Mrs Micawber »that I am now
about to cast my lot among strangers and I am also aware that the various
members of my family to whom Mr Micawber has written in the most gentlemanly
terms announcing that fact have not taken the least notice of Mr Micawbers
communication Indeed I may be superstitious« said Mrs Micawber »but it
appears to me that Mr Micawber is destined never to receive any answers
whatever to the great majority of the communications he writes I may augur from
the silence of my family that they object to the resolution I have taken but I
should not allow myself to be swerved from the path of duty Mr Copperfield
even by my papa and mama were they still living«
I expressed my opinion that this was going in the right direction
»It may be a sacrifice« said Mrs Micawber »to immure onesself in a
Cathedral town but surely Mr Copperfield if it is a sacrifice in me it is
much more a sacrifice in a man of Mr Micawbers abilities«
»Oh You are going to a Cathedral town« said I
Mr Micawber who had been helping us all out of the washhandstand jug
replied
»To Canterbury In fact my dear Copperfield I have entered into
arrangements by virtue of which I stand pledged and contracted to our friend
Heep to assist and serve him in the capacity of and to be his confidential
clerk«
I stared at Mr Micawber who greatly enjoyed my surprise
»I am bound to state to you« he said with an official air »that the
business habits and the prudent suggestions of Mrs Micawber have in a great
measure conduced to this result The gauntlet to which Mrs Micawber referred
upon a former occasion being thrown down in the form of an advertisement was
taken up by my friend Heep and led to a mutual recognition Of my friend Heep«
said Mr Micawber »who is a man of remarkable shrewdness I desire to speak
with all possible respect My friend Heep has not fixed the positive
remuneration at too high a figure but he has made a great deal in the way of
extrication from the pressure of pecuniary difficulties contingent on the value
of my services and on the value of those services I pin my faith Such address
and intelligence as I chance to possess« said Mr Micawber boastfully
disparaging himself with the old genteel air »will be devoted to my friend
Heeps service I have already some acquaintance with the law as a defendant
on civil process and I shall immediately apply myself to the Commentaries of
one of the most eminent and remarkable of our English Jurists I believe it is
unnecessary to add that I allude to Mr Justice Blackstone«
These observations and indeed the greater part of the observations made
that evening were interrupted by Mrs Micawbers discovering that Master
Micawber was sitting on his boots or holding his head on with both arms as if
he felt it loose or accidentally kicking Traddles under the table or shuffling
his feet over one another, or producing them at distances from himself
apparently outrageous to nature or lying sideways with his hair among the
wineglasses or developing his restlessness of limb in some other form
incompatible with the general interests of society and by Master Micawbers
receiving those discoveries in a resentful spirit I sat all the while amazed
by Mr Micawbers disclosure and wondering what it meant until Mrs Micawber
resumed the thread of the discourse and claimed my attention
»What I particularly request Mr Micawber to be careful of is« said Mrs
Micawber »that he does not my dear Mr Copperfield in applying himself to
this subordinate branch of the law place it out of his power to rise
ultimately to the top of the tree I am convinced that Mr Micawber giving his
mind to a profession so adapted to his fertile resources and his flow of
language must distinguish himself Now for example, Mr Traddles« said Mrs
Micawber assuming a profound air »a Judge or even say a Chancellor Does an
individual place himself beyond the pale of those preferments by entering on
such an office as Mr Micawber has accepted«
»My dear« observed Mr Micawber but glancing inquisitively at Traddles
too »we have time enough before us for the consideration of those questions«
»Micawber« she returned »no Your mistake in life is that you do not look
forward far enough You are bound in justice to your family if not to
yourself to take in at a comprehensive glance the extremest point in the
horizon to which your abilities may lead you«
Mr Micawber coughed and drank his punch with an air of exceeding
satisfaction still glancing at Traddles as if he desired to have his opinion
»Why the plain state of the case Mrs Micawber« said Traddles mildly
breaking the truth to her »I mean the real prosaic fact you know «
»Just so« said Mrs Micawber »my dear Mr Traddles I wish to be as
prosaic and literal as possible on a subject of so much importance«
» Is« said Traddles »that this branch of the law even if Mr Micawber
were a regular solicitor «
»Exactly so« returned Mrs Micawber »Wilkins you are squinting and will
not be able to get your eyes back«
» Has nothing« pursued Traddles »to do with that Only a barrister is
eligible for such preferments and Mr Micawber could not be a barrister
without being entered at an inn of court as a student for five years«
»Do I follow you« said Mrs Micawber with her most affable air of
business »Do I understand my dear Mr Traddles that at the expiration of
that period Mr Micawber would be eligible as a Judge or Chancellor«
»He would be eligible« returned Traddles with a strong emphasis on that
word
»Thank you« said Mrs Micawber »That is quite sufficient If such is the
case and Mr Micawber forfeits no privilege by entering on these duties my
anxiety is set at rest I speak« said Mrs Micawber »as a female necessarily
but I have always been of opinion that Mr Micawber possesses what I have heard
my papa call when I lived at home the judicial mind and I hope Mr Micawber
is now entering on a field where that mind will develop itself, and take a
commanding station«
I quite believe that Mr Micawber saw himself in his judicial minds eye
on the woolsack He passed his hand complacently over his bald head and said
with ostentatious resignation
»My dear we will not anticipate the decrees of fortune If I am reserved to
wear a wig I am at least prepared externally« in allusion to his baldness
»for that distinction I do not« said Mr Micawber »regret my hair and I may
have been deprived of it for a specific purpose I cannot say It is my
intention my dear Copperfield to educate my son for the Church I will not
deny that I should be happy on his account to attain to eminence«
»For the Church« said I still pondering between whiles on Uriah Heep
»Yes« said Mr Micawber »He has a remarkable headvoice and will commence
as a chorister Our residence at Canterbury and our local connexion will no
doubt enable him to take advantage of any vacancy that may arise in the
Cathedral corps«
On looking at Master Micawber again I saw that he had a certain expression
of face as if his voice were behind his eyebrows where it presently appeared
to be on his singing us as an alternative between that and bed »The
WoodPecker tapping« After many compliments on this performance we fell into
some general conversation and as I was too full of my desperate intentions to
keep my altered circumstances to myself I made them known to Mr and Mrs
Micawber I cannot express how extremely delighted they both were by the idea
of my aunts being in difficulties and how comfortable and friendly it made
them
When we were nearly come to the last round of the punch I addressed myself
to Traddles and reminded him that we must not separate without wishing our
friends health happiness and success in their new career I begged Mr
Micawber to fill us bumpers and proposed the toast in due form shaking hands
with him across the table and kissing Mrs Micawber to commemorate that
eventful occasion Traddles imitated me in the first particular but did not
consider himself a sufficiently old friend to venture on the second
»My dear Copperfield« said Mr Micawber rising with one of his thumbs in
each of his waistcoat pockets »the companion of my youth if I may be allowed
the expression and my esteemed friend Traddles if I may be permitted to call
him so will allow me on the part of Mrs Micawber myself and our offspring
to thank them in the warmest and most uncompromising terms for their good
wishes It may be expected that on the eve of a migration which will consign us
to a perfectly new existence« Mr Micawber spoke as if they were going five
hundred thousand miles »I should offer a few valedictory remarks to two such
friends as I see before me But all that I have to say in this way I have said
Whatever station in society I may attain through the medium of the learned
profession of which I am about to become an unworthy member I shall endeavour
not to disgrace and Mrs Micawber will be safe to adorn Under the temporary
pressure of pecuniary liabilities contracted with a view to their immediate
liquidation but remaining unliquidated through a combination of circumstances
I have been under the necessity of assuming a garb from which my natural
instincts recoil I allude to spectacles and possessing myself of a cognomen
to which I can establish no legitimate pretensions All I have to say on that
score is that the cloud has passed from the dreary scene and the God of Day is
once more high upon the mountain tops On Monday next on the arrival of the
four oclock afternoon coach at Canterbury my foot will be on my native heath
my name Micawber«
Mr Micawber resumed his seat on the close of these remarks and drank two
glasses of punch in grave succession He then said with much solemnity
»One thing more I have to do before this separation is complete and that
is to perform an act of justice My friend Mr Thomas Traddles has on two
several occasions put his name if I may use a common expression to bills of
exchange for my accommodation On the first occasion Mr Thomas Traddles was
left let me say in short in the lurch The fulfilment of the second has not
yet arrived The amount of the first obligation« here Mr Micawber carefully
referred to papers »was I believe twentythree four nine and a half of the
second according to my entry of that transaction eighteen six two These
sums united make a total if my calculation is correct amounting to
fortyone ten eleven and a half My friend Copperfield will perhaps do me the
favour to check that total«
I did so and found it correct
»To leave this metropolis« said Mr Micawber »and my friend Mr Thomas
Traddles without acquitting myself of the pecuniary part of this obligation
would weigh upon my mind to an insupportable extent I have therefore prepared
for my friend Mr Thomas Traddles and I now hold in my hand a document which
accomplishes the desired object I beg to hand to my friend Mr Thomas Traddles
my I O U for fortyone ten eleven and a half and I am happy to recover my
moral dignity and to know that I can once more walk erect before my fellow
man«
With this introduction which greatly affected him Mr Micawber placed his
I O U in the hands of Traddles and said he wished him well in every relation
of life I am persuaded not only that this was quite the same to Mr Micawber
as paying the money but that Traddles himself hardly knew the difference until
he had had time to think about it
Mr Micawber walked so erect before his fellow man on the strength of this
virtuous action that his chest looked half as broad again when he lighted us
downstairs We parted with great heartiness on both sides and when I had seen
Traddles to his own door and was going home alone I thought among the other
odd and contradictory things I mused upon that slippery as Mr Micawber was I
was probably indebted to some compassionate recollection he retained of me as
his boylodger for never having been asked by him for money I certainly should
not have had the moral courage to refuse it and I have no doubt he knew that
to his credit be it written quite as well as I did
Chapter XXXVII
A Little Cold Water
My new life had lasted for more than a week and I was stronger than ever in
those tremendous practical resolutions that I felt the crisis required I
continued to walk extremely fast and to have a general idea that I was getting
on I made it a rule to take as much out of myself as I possibly could in my
way of doing everything to which I applied my energies I made a perfect victim
of myself I even entertained some idea of putting myself on a vegetable diet
vaguely conceiving that in becoming a graminivorous animal I should sacrifice
to Dora
As yet little Dora was quite unconscious of my desperate firmness
otherwise than as my letters darkly shadowed it forth But another Saturday
came and on that Saturday evening she was to be at Miss Millss and when Mr
Mills had gone to his whistclub telegraphed to me in the street by a
birdcage in the drawingroom middle window I was to go there to tea
By this time we were quite settled down in Buckingham Street where Mr
Dick continued his copying in a state of absolute felicity My aunt had obtained
a signal victory over Mrs Crupp by paying her off throwing the first pitcher
she planted on the stairs out of window and protecting in person up and down
the staircase a supernumerary whom she engaged from the outer world These
vigorous measures struck such terror to the breast of Mrs Crupp that she
subsided into her own kitchen under the impression that my aunt was mad My
aunt being supremely indifferent to Mrs Crupps opinion and everybody elses
and rather favouring than discouraging the idea Mrs Crupp of late the bold
became within a few days so fainthearted that rather than encounter my aunt
upon the staircase she would endeavour to hide her portly form behind doors
leaving visible however a wide margin of flannel petticoat or would shrink
into dark corners This gave my aunt such unspeakable satisfaction that I
believe she took a delight in prowling up and down with her bonnet insanely
perched on the top of her head at times when Mrs Crupp was likely to be in the
way
My aunt being uncommonly neat and ingenious made so many little
improvements in our domestic arrangements that I seemed to be richer instead of
poorer Among the rest she converted the pantry into a dressingroom for me
and purchased and embellished a bedstead for my occupation which looked as like
a bookcase in the daytime as a bedstead could I was the object of her constant
solicitude and my poor mother herself could not have loved me better or
studied more how to make me happy
Peggotty had considered herself highly privileged in being allowed to
participate in these labours and although she still retained something of her
old sentiment of awe in reference to my aunt had received so many marks of
encouragement and confidence that they were the best friends possible But the
time had now come I am speaking of the Saturday when I was to take tea at Miss
Millss when it was necessary for her to return home and enter on the
discharge of the duties she had undertaken in behalf of Ham »So goodbye
Barkis« said my aunt »and take care of yourself I am sure I never thought I
could be sorry to lose you«
I took Peggotty to the coachoffice and saw her off She cried at parting
and confided her brother to my friendship as Ham had done We had heard nothing
of him since he went away that sunny afternoon
»And now my own dear Davy« said Peggotty »if while youre a prentice
you should want any money to spend or if when youre out of your time my
dear you should want any to set you up and you must do one or other or both
my darling who has such a good right to ask leave to lend it you as my sweet
girls own old stupid me«
I was not so savagely independent as to say anything in reply but that if
ever I borrowed money of any one I would borrow it of her Next to accepting a
large sum on the spot I believe this gave Peggotty more comfort than anything I
could have done
»And my dear« whispered Peggotty »tell the pretty little angel that I
should so have liked to see her only for a minute And tell her that before she
marries my boy Ill come and make your house so beautiful for you if youll
let me«
I declared that nobody else should touch it and this gave Peggotty such
delight that she went away in good spirits
I fatigued myself as much as I possibly could in the Commons all day by a
variety of devices and at the appointed time in the evening repaired to Mr
Millss street Mr Mills who was a terrible fellow to fall asleep after
dinner had not yet gone out and there was no birdcage in the middle window
He kept me waiting so long that I fervently hoped the club would fine him
for being late At last he came out and then I saw my own Dora hang up the
birdcage and peep into the balcony to look for me and run in again when she
saw I was there while Jip remained behind to bark injuriously at an immense
butchers dog in the street who could have taken him like a pill
Dora came to the drawingroom door to meet me and Jip came scrambling out
tumbling over his own growls under the impression that I was a Bandit and we
all three went in as happy and loving as could be I soon carried desolation
into the bosom of our joys not that I meant to do it but that I was so full
of the subject by asking Dora without the smallest preparation if she could
love a beggar
My pretty little startled Dora Her only association with the word was a
yellow face and a nightcap or a pair of crutches or a wooden leg or a dog
with a decanterstand in his mouth or something of that kind and she stared at
me with the most delightful wonder
»How can you ask me anything so foolish« pouted Dora »Love a beggar«
»Dora my own dearest« said I »I am a beggar«
»How can you be such a silly thing« replied Dora slapping my hand »as to
sit there telling such stories Ill make Jip bite you«
Her childish way was the most delicious way in the world to me but it was
necessary to be explicit and I solemnly repeated
»Dora my own life I am your ruined David«
»I declare Ill make Jip bite you« said Dora shaking her curls »if you
are so ridiculous«
But I looked so serious that Dora left off shaking her curls and laid her
trembling little hand upon my shoulder and first looked scared and anxious
then began to cry That was dreadful I fell upon my knees before the sofa
caressing her and imploring her not to rend my heart but for some time poor
little Dora did nothing but exclaim Oh dear Oh dear And oh she was so
frightened And where was Julia Mills And oh take her to Julia Mills and go
away please until I was almost beside myself
At last after an agony of supplication and protestation I got Dora to look
at me with a horrified expression of face which I gradually soothed until it
was only loving and her soft pretty cheek was lying against mine Then I told
her with my arms clasped round her how I loved her so dearly and so dearly
how I felt it right to offer to release her from her engagement because now I
was poor how I never could bear it or recover it if I lost her how I had no
fears of poverty if she had none my arm being nerved and my heart inspired by
her how I was already working with a courage such as none but lovers knew how
I had begun to be practical and look into the future how a crust wellearned
was sweeter far than a feast inherited and much more to the same purpose which
I delivered in a burst of passionate eloquence quite surprising to myself
though I had been thinking about it day and night ever since my aunt had
astonished me
»Is your heart mine still dear Dora« said I rapturously for I knew by
her clinging to me that it was
»Oh yes« cried Dora »Oh yes its all yours Oh dont be dreadful«
I dreadful To Dora
»Dont talk about being poor and working hard« said Dora nestling closer
to me »Oh dont dont«
»My dearest love« said I »the crust wellearned «
»Oh yes but I dont want to hear any more about crusts« said Dora »And
Jip must have a muttonchop every day at twelve or hell die«
I was charmed with her childish winning way I fondly explained to Dora
that Jip should have his muttonchop with his accustomed regularity I drew a
picture of our frugal home made independent by my labour sketching in the
little house I had seen at Highgate and my aunt in her room upstairs
»I am not dreadful now Dora« said I tenderly
»Oh no no« cried Dora »But I hope your aunt will keep in her own room a
good deal And I hope shes not a scolding old thing«
If it were possible for me to love Dora more than ever I am sure I did But
I felt she was a little impracticable It damped my newborn ardour to find
that ardour so difficult of communication to her I made another trial When she
was quite herself again and was curling Jips ears as he lay upon her lap I
became grave and said
»My own May I mention something«
»Oh please dont be practical« said Dora coaxingly »Because it frightens
me so«
»Sweet heart« I returned »there is nothing to alarm you in all this I
want you to think of it quite differently I want to make it nerve you and
inspire you Dora«
»Oh but thats so shocking« cried Dora
»My love no Perseverance and strength of character will enable us to bear
much worse things«
»But I havent got any strength at all« said Dora shaking her curls »Have
I Jip Oh do kiss Jip and be agreeable«
It was impossible to resist kissing Jip when she held him up to me for that
purpose putting her own bright rosy little mouth into kissing form as she
directed the operation which she insisted should be performed symmetrically on
the centre of his nose I did as she bade me rewarding myself afterwards for
my obedience and she charmed me out of my graver character for I dont know
how long
»But Dora my beloved« said I at last resuming it »I was going to
mention something«
The Judge of the Prerogative Court might have fallen in love with her to
see her fold her little hands and hold them up begging and praying me not to be
dreadful any more
»Indeed I am not going to be my darling« I assured her »But Dora my
love if you will sometimes think not despondingly you know far from that
but if you will sometimes think just to encourage yourself that you are
engaged to a poor man «
»Dont dont Pray dont« cried Dora »Its so very dreadful«
»My soul not at all« said I cheerfully »If you will sometimes think of
that and look about now and then at your papas housekeeping and endeavour to
acquire a little habit of accounts for instance «
Poor little Dora received this suggestion with something that was half a sob
and half a scream
» It would be so useful to us afterwards« I went on »And if you would
promise me to read a little a little Cookery Book that I would send you it
would be so excellent for both of us For our path in life my Dora« said I
warming with the subject »is stony and rugged now and it rests with us to
smooth it We must fight our way onward We must be brave There are obstacles
to be met and we must meet and crush them«
I was going on at a great rate with a clenched hand and a most
enthusiastic countenance but it was quite unnecessary to proceed I had said
enough I had done it again Oh she was so frightened Oh where was Julia
Mills Oh take her to Julia Mills and go away please So that in short I
was quite distracted and raved about the drawingroom
I thought I had killed her this time I sprinkled water on her face I went
down on my knees I plucked at my hair I denounced myself as a remorseless
brute and a ruthless beast I implored her forgiveness I besought her to look
up I ravaged Miss Millss workbox for a smellingbottle and in my agony of
mind applied an ivory needlecase instead and dropped all the needles over
Dora I shook my fists at Jip who was as frantic as myself I did every wild
extravagance that could be done and was a long way beyond the end of my wits
when Miss Mills came into the room
»Who has done this« exclaimed Miss Mills succouring her friend
I replied »I Miss Mills I have done it Behold the destroyer« or words
to that effect and hid my face from the light in the sofa cushion
At first Miss Mills thought it was a quarrel and that we were verging on
the Desert of Sahara but she soon found out how matters stood for my dear
affectionate little Dora embracing her began exclaiming that I was a poor
labourer and then cried for me and embraced me and asked me would I let her
give me all her money to keep and then fell on Miss Millss neck sobbing as if
her tender heart were broken
Miss Mills must have been born to be a blessing to us She ascertained from
me in a few words what it was all about comforted Dora and gradually convinced
her that I was not a labourer from my manner of stating the case I believe
Dora concluded that I was a navigator and went balancing myself up and down a
plank all day with a wheelbarrow and so brought us together in peace When we
were quite composed and Dora had gone upstairs to put some rosewater to her
eyes Miss Mills rang for tea In the ensuing interval I told Miss Mills that
she was evermore my friend and that my heart must cease to vibrate ere I could
forget her sympathy
I then expounded to Miss Mills what I had endeavoured so very
unsuccessfully to expound to Dora Miss Mills replied on general principles
that the Cottage of content was better than the Palace of cold splendour and
that where love was all was
I said to Miss Mills that this was very true and who should know it better
than I who loved Dora with a love that never mortal had experienced yet But on
Miss Mills observing with despondency that it were well indeed for some hearts
if this were so I explained that I begged leave to restrict the observation to
mortals of the masculine gender
I then put it to Miss Mills to say whether she considered that there was or
was not any practical merit in the suggestion I had been anxious to make
concerning the accounts the housekeeping and the Cookery Book
Miss Mills after some consideration thus replied
»Mr Copperfield I will be plain with you Mental suffering and trial
supply in some natures the place of years and I will be as plain with you as
if I were a Lady Abbess No The suggestion is not appropriate to our Dora Our
dearest Dora is a favourite child of nature. She is a thing of light and
airiness and joy I am free to confess that if it could be done it might be
well but « And Miss Mills shook her head
I was encouraged by this closing admission on the part of Miss Mills to ask
her whether for Doras sake if she had any opportunity of luring her
attention to such preparations for an earnest life she would avail herself of
it Miss Mills replied in the affirmative so readily that I further asked her
if she would take charge of the Cookery Book and if she ever could insinuate
it upon Doras acceptance without frightening her undertake to do me that
crowning service Miss Mills accepted this trust too but was not sanguine
And Dora returned looking such a lovely little creature that I really
doubted whether she ought to be troubled with anything so ordinary And she
loved me so much and was so captivating particularly when she made Jip stand
on his hind legs for toast and when she pretended to hold that nose of his
against the hot teapot for punishment because he wouldnt that I felt like a
sort of Monster who had got into a Fairys bower when I thought of having
frightened her and made her cry
After tea we had the guitar and Dora sang those same dear old French songs
about the impossibility of ever on any account leaving off dancing La ra la La
ra la until I felt much greater Monster than before
We had only one check to our pleasure and that happend a little while
before I took my leave when Miss Mills chancing to make some allusion to
tomorrow morning I unluckily let out that being obliged to exert myself now
I got up at five oclock Whether Dora had any idea that I was a Private
Watchman I am unable to say but it made a great impression on her and she
neither played nor sang any more
It was still on her mind when I bade her adieu and she said to me in her
pretty coaxing way as if I were a doll I used to think
»Now dont get up at five oclock you naughty boy Its so nonsensical«
»My love« said I »I have work to do«
»But dont do it« returned Dora »Why should you«
It was impossible to say to that sweet little surprised face otherwise than
lightly and playfully that we must work to live
»Oh How ridiculous« cried Dora
»How shall we live without Dora« said I
»How Any how« said Dora
She seemed to think she had quite settled the question and gave me such a
triumphant little kiss direct from her innocent heart that I would hardly have
put her out of conceit with her answer for a fortune
Well I loved her and I went on loving her most absorbingly entirely and
completely But going on too working pretty hard and busily keeping redhot
all the irons I now had in the fire I would sit sometimes of a night opposite
my aunt thinking how I had frightened Dora that time and how I could best make
my way with a guitarcase through the forest of difficulty until I used to
fancy that my head was turning quite grey
Chapter XXXVIII
A Dissolution of Partnership
I did not allow my resolution with respect to the Parliamentary Debates to
cool It was one of the irons I began to heat immediately and one of the irons
I kept hot and hammered at with a perseverance I may honestly admire I bought
an approved scheme of the noble art and mystery of stenography which cost me
ten and sixpence and plunged into a sea of perplexity that brought me in a
few weeks to the confines of distraction The changes that were rung upon dots
which in such a position meant such a thing and in such another position
something else entirely different the wonderful vagaries that were played by
circles the unaccountable consequences that resulted from marks like flies
legs the tremendous effects of a curve in a wrong place not only troubled my
waking hours but reappeared before me in my sleep When I had groped my way
blindly through these difficulties and had mastered the alphabet which was an
Egyptian Temple in itself, there then appeared a procession of new horrors
called arbitrary characters the most despotic characters I have ever known who
insisted for instance that a thing like the beginning of a cobweb meant
expectation and that a penandink skyrocket stood for disadvantageous When I
had fixed these wretches in my mind I found that they had driven everything
else out of it then beginning again I forgot them while I was picking them
up I dropped the other fragments of the system in short it was almost
heartbreaking
It might have been quite heartbreaking but for Dora who was the stay and
anchor of my tempestdriven bark Every scratch in the scheme was a gnarled oak
in the forest of difficulty and I went on cutting them down one after another
with such vigour that in three or four months I was in a condition to make an
experiment on one of our crack speakers in the Commons Shall I ever forget how
the crack speaker walked off from me before I began and left my imbecile pencil
staggering about the paper as if it were in a fit
This would not do it was quite clear I was flying too high and should
never get on so I resorted to Traddles for advice who suggested that he
should dictate speeches to me at a pace and with occasional stoppages adapted
to my weakness Very grateful for this friendly aid I accepted the proposal
and night after night almost every night for a long time we had a sort of
Private Parliament in Buckingham Street after I came home from the Doctors
I should like to see such a Parliament anywhere else My aunt and Mr Dick
represented the Government or the Opposition as the case might be and
Traddles with the assistance of Enfields Speaker or a volume of parliamentary
orations thundered astonishing invectives against them Standing by the table
with his finger in the page to keep the place and his right arm flourishing
above his head Traddles as Mr Pitt Mr Fox Mr Sheridan Mr Burke Lord
Castlereagh Viscount Sidmouth or Mr Canning would work himself into the most
violent heats and deliver the most withering denunciations of the profligacy
and corruption of my aunt and Mr Dick while I used to sit at a little
distance with my notebook on my knee fagging after him with all my might and
main The inconsistency and recklessness of Traddles were not to be exceeded by
any real politician He was for any description of policy in the compass of a
week and nailed all sorts of colours to every denomination of mast My aunt
looking very like an immoveable Chancellor of the Exchequer would occasionally
throw in an interruption or two as »Hear« or »No« or »Oh« when the text
seemed to require it which was always a signal to Mr Dick a perfect country
gentleman to follow lustily with the same cry But Mr Dick got taxed with such
things in the course of his Parliamentary career and was made responsible for
such awful consequences that he became uncomfortable in his mind sometimes I
believe he actually began to be afraid he really had been doing something
tending to the annihilation of the British constitution and the ruin of the
country
Often and often we pursued these debates until the clock pointed to
midnight and the candles were burning down The result of so much good practice
was that byandby I began to keep pace with Traddles pretty well and should
have been quite triumphant if I had had the least idea what my notes were about
But as to reading them after I had got them I might as well have copied the
Chinese inscriptions on an immense collection of teachests or the golden
characters on all the great red and green bottles in the chemists shops
There was nothing for it but to turn back and begin all over again It was
very hard but I turned back though with a heavy heart and began laboriously
and methodically to plod over the same tedious ground at a snails pace
stopping to examine minutely every speck in the way on all sides and making
the most desperate efforts to know these elusive characters by sight wherever I
met them I was always punctual at the office at the Doctors too and I really
did work as the common expression is like a carthorse
One day when I went to the Commons as usual I found Mr Spenlow in the
doorway looking extremely grave and talking to himself As he was in the habit
of complaining of pains in his head he had naturally a short throat and I do
seriously believe he overstarched himself I was at first alarmed by the idea
that he was not quite right in that direction but he soon relieved my
uneasiness
Instead of returning my Good morning with his usual affability he looked at
me in a distant ceremonious manner and coldly requested me to accompany him to
a certain coffeehouse which in those days had a door opening into the
Commons just within the little archway in St Pauls churchyard I complied in
a very uncomfortable state and with a warm shooting all over me as if my
apprehensions were breaking out into buds When I allowed him to go on a little
before on account of the narrowness of the way I observed that he carried his
head with a lofty air that was particularly unpromising and my mind misgave me
that he had found out about my darling Dora
If I had not guessed this on the way to the coffeehouse I could hardly
have failed to know what was the matter when I followed him into an upstairs
room and found Miss Murdstone there supported by a background of sideboard on
which were several inverted tumblers sustaining lemons and two of those
extraordinary boxes all corners and flutings for sticking knives and forks in
which happily for mankind are now obsolete
Miss Murdstone gave me her chilly fingernails and sat severely rigid Mr
Spenlow shut the door motioned me to a chair and stood on the hearthrug in
front of the fireplace
»Have the goodness to show Mr Copperfield« said Mr Spenlow »what you
have in your reticule Miss Murdstone«
I believe it was the old identical steelclasped reticule of my childhood
that shut up like a bite Compressing her lips in sympathy with the snap Miss
Murdstone opened it opening her mouth a little at the same time and produced
my last letter to Dora teeming with expressions of devoted affection
»I believe that is your writing Mr Copperfield« said Mr Spenlow
I was very hot and the voice I heard was very unlike mine when I said »It
is sir«
»If I am not mistaken« said Mr Spenlow as Miss Murdstone brought a parcel
of letters out of her reticule tied round with the dearest bit of blue ribbon
»those are also from your pen Mr Copperfield«
I took them from her with a most desolate sensation and glancing at such
phrases at the top as »My ever dearest and own Dora« »My best beloved angel«
»My blessed one for ever« and the like blushed deeply and inclined my head
»No thank you« said Mr Spenlow coldly as I mechanically offered them
back to him »I will not deprive you of them Miss Murdstone be so good as to
proceed«
That gentle creature after a moments thoughtful survey of the carpet
delivered herself with much dry unction as follows
»I must confess to having entertained my suspicions of Miss Spenlow in
reference to David Copperfield for some time I observed Miss Spenlow and David
Copperfield when they first met and the impression made upon me then was not
agreeable The depravity of the human heart is such «
»You will oblige me maam« interrupted Mr Spenlow »by confining yourself
to facts«
Miss Murdstone cast down her eyes shook her head as if protesting against
this unseemly interruption and with frowning dignity resumed
»Since I am to confine myself to facts I will state them as dryly as I can
Perhaps that will be considered an acceptable course of proceeding I have
already said sir that I have had my suspicions of Miss Spenlow in reference
to David Copperfield for some time I have frequently endeavoured to find
decisive corroboration of those suspicions but without effect I have therefore
forborne to mention them to Miss Spenlows father« looking severely at him
»knowing how little disposition there usually is in such cases to acknowledge
the conscientious discharge of duty«
Mr Spenlow seemed quite cowed by the gentlemanly sternness of Miss
Murdstones manner and deprecated her severity with a conciliatory little wave
of his hand
»On my return to Norwood after the period of absence occasioned by my
brothers marriage« pursued Miss Murdstone in a disdainful voice »and on the
return of Miss Spenlow from her visit to her friend Miss Mills I imagined that
the manner of Miss Spenlow gave me greater occasion for suspicion than before
Therefore I watched Miss Spenlow closely«
Dear tender little Dora so unconscious of this Dragons eye
»Still« resumed Miss Murdstone »I found no proof until last night It
appeared to me that Miss Spenlow received too many letters from her friend Miss
Mills but Miss Mills being her friend with her fathers full concurrence«
another telling blow at Mr Spenlow »it was not for me to interfere If I may
not be permitted to allude to the natural depravity of the human heart at least
I may I must be permitted so far to refer to misplaced confidence«
Mr Spenlow apologetically murmured his assent
»Last evening after tea« pursued Miss Murdstone »I observed the little dog
starting rolling and growling about the drawingroom worrying something I
said to Miss Spenlow Dora what is that the dog has in his mouth Its paper
Miss Spenlow immediately put her hand to her frock gave a sudden cry and ran
to the dog I interposed and said Dora my love you must permit me«
Oh Jip miserable Spaniel this wretchedness then was your work
»Miss Spenlow endeavoured« said Miss Murdstone »to bribe me with kisses
workboxes and small articles of jewellery that of course I pass over The
little dog retreated under the sofa on my approaching him and was with great
difficulty dislodged by the fireirons Even when dislodged he still kept the
letter in his mouth and on my endeavouring to take it from him at the imminent
risk of being bitten he kept it between his teeth so pertinaciously as to
suffer himself to be held suspended in the air by means of the document At
length I obtained possession of it After perusing it I taxed Miss Spenlow with
having many such letters in her possession and ultimately obtained from her the
packet which is now in David Copperfields hand«
Here she ceased and snapping her reticule again and shutting her mouth
looked as if she might be broken but could never be bent
»You have heard Miss Murdstone« said Mr Spenlow turning to me »I beg to
ask Mr Copperfield if you have anything to say in reply«
The picture I had before me of the beautiful little treasure of my heart
sobbing and crying all night of her being alone frightened and wretched
then of her having so piteously begged and prayed that stonyhearted woman to
forgive her of her having vainly offered her those kisses workboxes and
trinkets of her being in such grievous distress and all for me very much
impaired the little dignity I had been able to muster I am afraid I was in a
tremulous state for a minute or so though I did my best to disguise it
»There is nothing I can say sir« I returned »except that all the blame is
mine Dora «
»Miss Spenlow if you please« said her father majestically
» was induced and persuaded by me« I went on swallowing that colder
designation »to consent to this concealment and I bitterly regret it«
»You are very much to blame sir« said Mr Spenlow walking to and fro upon
the hearthrug and emphasizing what he said with his whole body instead of his
head on account of the stiffness of his cravat and spine »You have done a
stealthy and unbecoming action Mr Copperfield When I take a gentleman to my
house no matter whether he is nineteen twentynine or ninety I take him
there in a spirit of confidence If he abuses my confidence he commits a
dishonourable action Mr Copperfield«
»I feel it sir I assure you« I returned »But I never thought so before
Sincerely honestly indeed Mr Spenlow I never thought so before I love
Miss Spenlow to that extent «
»Pooh nonsense« said Mr Spenlow reddening »Pray dont tell me to my
face that you love my daughter Mr Copperfield«
»Could I defend my conduct if I did not sir« I returned with all
humility
»Can you defend your conduct if you do sir« said Mr Spenlow stopping
short upon the hearthrug »Have you considered your years and my daughters
years Mr Copperfield Have you considered what it is to undermine the
confidence that should subsist between my daughter and myself Have you
considered my daughters station in life the projects I may contemplate for her
advancement the testamentary intentions I may have with reference to her Have
you considered anything Mr Copperfield«
»Very little sir I am afraid« I answered speaking to him as respectfully
and sorrowfully as I felt »but pray believe me I have considered my worldly
position When I explained it to you we were already engaged «
»I BEG« said Mr Spenlow more like Punch than I had ever seen him as he
energetically struck one hand upon the other I could not help noticing that
even in my despair »that you will NOT talk to me of engagements Mr
Copperfield«
The otherwise immoveable Miss Murdstone laughed contemptuously in one short
syllable
»When I explained my altered position to you sir« I began again
substituting a new form of expression for what was so unpalatable to him »this
concealment into which I am so unhappy as to have led Miss Spenlow had begun
Since I have been in that altered position I have strained every nerve I have
exerted every energy to improve it I am sure I shall improve it in time Will
you grant me time any length of time We are both so young sir «
»You are right« interrupted Mr Spenlow nodding his head a great many
times and frowning very much »you are both very young Its all nonsense Let
there be an end of the nonsense Take away those letters and throw them in the
fire Give me Miss Spenlows letters to throw in the fire and although our
future intercourse must you are aware be restricted to the Commons here we
will agree to make no further mention of the past Come Mr Copperfield you
dont want sense and this is the sensible course«
No I couldnt think of agreeing to it I was very sorry but there was a
higher consideration than sense Love was above all earthly considerations and
I loved Dora to idolatry and Dora loved me I didnt exactly say so I softened
it down as much as I could but I implied it and I was resolute upon it I
dont think I made myself very ridiculous but I know I was resolute
»Very well Mr Copperfield« said Mr Spenlow »I must try my influence
with my daughter«
Miss Murdstone by an expressive sound a longdrawn respiration which was
neither a sigh nor a moan but was like both gave it as her opinion that he
should have done this at first
»I must try« said Mr Spenlow confirmed by this support »my influence
with my daughter Do you decline to take those letters Mr Copperfield« For I
had laid them on the table
Yes I told him I hoped he would not think it wrong but I couldnt possibly
take them from Miss Murdstone
»Nor from me« said Mr Spenlow
No I replied with the profoundest respect nor from him
»Very well« said Mr Spenlow
A silence succeeding I was undecided whether to go or stay At length I was
moving quietly towards the door with the intention of saying that perhaps I
should consult his feelings best by withdrawing when he said with his hands in
his coat pockets into which it was as much as he could do to get them and with
what I should call upon the whole a decidedly pious air
»You are probably aware Mr Copperfield that I am not altogether destitute
of worldly possessions and that my daughter is my nearest and dearest
relative«
I hurriedly made him a reply to the effect that I hoped the error into
which I had been betrayed by the desperate nature of my love did not induce him
to think me mercenary too
»I dont allude to the matter in that light« said Mr Spenlow »It would be
better for yourself and all of us if you were mercenary Mr Copperfield I
mean if you were more discreet and less influenced by all this youthful
nonsense No I merely say with quite another view you are probably aware I
have some property to bequeath to my child«
I certainly supposed so
»And you can hardly think« said Mr Spenlow »having experience of what we
see in the Commons here every day of the various unaccountable and negligent
proceedings of men in respect of their testamentary arrangements of all
subjects the one on which perhaps the strangest revelations of human
inconsistency are to be met with but that mine are made«
I inclined my head in acquiescence
»I should not allow« said Mr Spenlow with an evident increase of pious
sentiment and slowly shaking his head as he poised himself upon his toes and
heels alternately »my suitable provision for my child to be influenced by a
piece of youthful folly like the present It is mere folly Mere nonsense In a
little while it will weigh lighter than any feather But I might I might if
this silly business were not completely relinquished altogether be induced in
some anxious moment to guard her from and surround her with protections
against the consequences of any foolish step in the way of marriage Now Mr
Copperfield I hope that you will not render it necessary for me to open even
for a quarter of an hour that closed page in the book of life and unsettle
even for a quarter of an hour grave affairs long since composed«
There was a serenity a tranquillity a calmsunset air about him which
quite affected me He was so peaceful and resigned clearly had his affairs in
such perfect train and so systematically wound up that he was a man to feel
touched in the contemplation of I really think I saw tears rise to his eyes
from the depth of his own feeling of all this
But what could I do I could not deny Dora and my own heart When he told
me I had better take a week to consider of what he had said how could I say I
wouldnt take a week yet how could I fail to know that no amount of weeks could
influence such love as mine
»In the meantime confer with Miss Trotwood or with any person with any
knowledge of life« said Mr Spenlow adjusting his cravat with both hands
»Take a week Mr Copperfield«
I submitted and with a countenance as expressive as I was able to make it
of dejected and despairing constancy came out of the room Miss Murdstones
heavy eyebrows followed me to the door I say her eyebrows rather than her
eyes because they were much more important in her face and she looked exactly
as she used to look at about that hour of the morning in our parlour at
Blunderstone that I could have fancied I had been breaking down in my lessons
again and that the dead weight on my mind was that horrible old spellingbook
with oval woodcuts shaped to my youthful fancy like the glasses out of
spectacles
When I got to the office and shutting out old Tiffey and the rest of them
with my hands sat at my desk in my own particular nook thinking of this
earthquake that had taken place so unexpectedly and in the bitterness of my
spirit cursing Jip I fell into such a state of torment about Dora that I
wonder I did not take up my hat and rush insanely to Norwood The idea of their
frightening her and making her cry and of my not being there to comfort her
was so excruciating that it impelled me to write a wild letter to Mr Spenlow
beseeching him not to visit upon her the consequences of my awful destiny I
implored him to spare her gentle nature not to crush a fragile flower and
addressed him generally to the best of my remembrance as if instead of being
her father he had been an Ogre or the Dragon of Wantley This letter I sealed
and laid upon his desk before he returned and when he came in I saw him
through the halfopened door of his room take it up and read it
He said nothing about it all the morning but before he went away in the
afternoon he called me in and told me that I need not make myself at all uneasy
about his daughters happiness He had assured her he said that it was all
nonsense and he had nothing more to say to her He believed he was an indulgent
father as indeed he was and I might spare myself any solicitude on her
account
»You may make it necessary if you are foolish or obstinate Mr
Copperfield« he observed »for me to send my daughter abroad again for a term
but I have a better opinion of you I hope you will be wiser than that in a few
days As to Miss Murdstone« for I had alluded to her in the letter »I respect
that ladys vigilance and feel obliged to her but she has strict charge to
avoid the subject All I desire Mr Copperfield is that it should be
forgotten All you have got to do Mr Copperfield is to forget it«
All In the note I wrote to Miss Mills I bitterly quoted this sentiment
All I had to do I said with gloomy sarcasm was to forget Dora That was all
and what was that I entreated Miss Mills to see me that evening If it could
not be done with Mr Millss sanction and concurrence I besought a clandestine
interview in the back kitchen where the Mangle was I informed her that my
reason was tottering on its throne and only she Miss Mills could prevent its
being deposed I signed myself hers distractedly and I couldnt help feeling
while I read this composition over before sending it by a porter that it was
something in the style of Mr Micawber
However I sent it At night I repaired to Miss Millss street and walked
up and down until I was stealthily fetched in by Miss Millss maid and taken
the area way to the back kitchen I have since seen reason to believe that there
was nothing on earth to prevent my going in at the front door and being shown
up into the drawingroom except Miss Millss love of the romantic and
mysterious
In the back kitchen I raved as became me I went there I suppose to make a
fool of myself and I am quite sure I did it Miss Mills had received a hasty
note from Dora telling her that all was discovered and saying »Oh pray come
to me Julia do do« But Miss Mills mistrusting the acceptability of her
presence to the higher powers had not yet gone and we were all benighted in
the Desert of Sahara
Miss Mills had a wonderful flow of words and liked to pour them out I
could not help feeling though she mingled her tears with mine that she had a
dreadful luxury in our afflictions She petted them as I may say and made the
most of them A deep gulf she observed had opened between Dora and me and
Love could only span it with its rainbow Love must suffer in this stern world
it ever had been so it ever would be so No matter Miss Mills remarked Hearts
confined by cobwebs would burst at last and then Love was avenged
This was small consolation but Miss Mills wouldnt encourage fallacious
hopes She made me much more wretched than I was before and I felt and told
her with the deepest gratitude that she was indeed a friend We resolved that
she should go to Dora the first thing in the morning and find some means of
assuring her either by looks or words of my devotion and misery We parted
overwhelmed with grief and I think Miss Mills enjoyed herself completely
I confided all to my aunt when I got home and in spite of all she could say
to me went to bed despairing I got up despairing and went out despairing It
was Saturday morning and I went straight to the Commons
I was surprised when I came within sight of our officedoor to see the
ticketporters standing outside talking together and some halfdozen stragglers
gazing at the windows which were shut up I quickened my pace and passing
among them wondering at their looks went hurriedly in
The clerks were there but nobody was doing anything Old Tiffey for the
first time in his life I should think was sitting on somebody elses stool and
had not hung up his hat
»This is a dreadful calamity Mr Copperfield« said he as I entered
»What is« I exclaimed »Whats the matter«
»Dont you know« cried Tiffey and all the rest of them coming round me
»No« said I looking from face to face
»Mr Spenlow« said Tiffey
»What about him«
»Dead«
I thought it was the office reeling and not I as one of the clerks caught
hold of me They sat me down in a chair untied my neckcloth and brought me
some water I have no idea whether this took any time
»Dead« said I
»He dined in town yesterday and drove down in the phaeton by himself« said
Tiffey »having sent his own groom home by the coach as he sometimes did you
know «
»Well«
»The phaeton went home without him The horses stopped at the stable gate
The man went out with a lantern Nobody in the carriage«
»Had they run away«
»They were not hot« said Tiffey putting on his glasses »no hotter I
understand than they would have been going down at the usual pace The reins
were broken but they had been dragging on the ground The house was roused up
directly and three of them went out along the road They found him a mile off«
»More than a mile off Mr Tiffey« interposed a junior
»Was it I believe you are right« said Tiffey »more than a mile off
not far from the church lying partly on the roadside and partly on the path
upon his face Whether he fell out in a fit or got out feeling ill before the
fit came on or even whether he was quite dead then though there is no doubt
he was quite insensible no one appears to know If he breathed certainly he
never spoke Medical assistance was got as soon as possible but it was quite
useless«
I cannot describe the state of mind into which I was thrown by this
intelligence The shock of such an event happening so suddenly and happening to
one with whom I had been in any respect at variance the appalling vacancy in
the room he had occupied so lately where his chair and table seemed to wait for
him and his handwriting of yesterday was like a ghost the indefinable
impossibility of separating him from the place and feeling when the door
opened as if he might come in the lazy hush and rest there was in the office
and the insatiable relish with which our people talked about it and other
people came in and out all day and gorged themselves with the subject this is
easily intelligible to any one What I cannot describe is how in the innermost
recesses of my own heart I had a lurking jealousy even of Death How I felt as
if its might would push me from my ground in Doras thoughts How I was in a
grudging way I have no words for envious of her grief How it made me restless
to think of her weeping to others or being consoled by others How I had a
grasping avaricious wish to shut out everybody from her but myself and to be
all in all to her at that unseasonable time of all times
In the trouble of this state of mind not exclusively my own I hope but
known to others I went down to Norwood that night and finding from one of the
servants when I made my inquiries at the door that Miss Mills was there got
my aunt to direct a letter to her which I wrote I deplored the untimely death
of Mr Spenlow most sincerely and shed tears in doing so I entreated her to
tell Dora if Dora were in a state to hear it that he had spoken to me with the
utmost kindness and consideration and had coupled nothing but tenderness not a
single or reproachful word with her name I know I did this selfishly to have
my name brought before her but I tried to believe it was an act of justice to
his memory Perhaps I did believe it
My aunt received a few lines next day in reply addressed outside to her
within to me Dora was overcome by grief and when her friend had asked her
should she send her love to me had only cried as she was always crying »Oh
dear papa oh poor papa« But she had not said No and that I made the most of
Mr Jorkins who had been at Norwood since the occurrence came to the
office a few days afterwards He and Tiffey were closeted together for some few
moments and then Tiffey looked out at the door and beckoned me in
»Oh« said Mr Jorkins »Mr Tiffey and myself Mr Copperfield are about
to examine the desks the drawers and other such repositories of the deceased
with the view of sealing up his private papers and searching for a Will There
is no trace of any elsewhere It may be as well for you to assist us if you
please«
I had been in agony to obtain some knowledge of the circumstances in which
my Dora would be placed as in whose guardianship and so forth and this was
something towards it We began the search at once Mr Jorkins unlocking the
drawers and desks and we all taking out the papers The officepapers we placed
on one side and the private papers which were not numerous on the other We
were very grave and when we came to a stray seal or pencilcase or ring or
any little article of that kind which we associated personally with him we
spoke very low
We had sealed up several packets and were still going on dustily and
quietly when Mr Jorkins said to us applying exactly the same words to his
late partner as his late partner had applied to him
»Mr Spenlow was very difficult to move from the beaten track You know what
he was I am disposed to think he had made no will«
»Oh I know he had« said I
They both stopped and looked at me
»On the very day when I last saw him« said I »he told me that he had and
that his affairs were long since settled«
Mr Jorkins and old Tiffey shook their heads with one accord
»That looks unpromising« said Tiffey
»Very unpromising« said Mr Jorkins
»Surely you dont doubt « I began
»My good Mr Copperfield« said Tiffey laying his hand upon my arm and
shutting up both his eyes as he shook his head »if you had been in the Commons
as long as I have you would know that there is no subject on which men are so
inconsistent and so little to be trusted«
»Why bless my soul he made that very remark« I replied persistently
»I should call that almost final« observed Tiffey »My opinion is no
will«
It appeared a wonderful thing to me but it turned out that there was no
will He had never so much as thought of making one so far as his papers
afforded any evidence for there was no kind of hint sketch or memorandum of
any testamentary intention whatever What was scarcely less astonishing to me
was that his affairs were in a most disordered state It was extremely
difficult I heard to make out what he owed or what he had paid or of what he
died possessed It was considered likely that for years he could have had no
clear opinion on these subjects himself By little and little it came out that
in the competition on all points of appearance and gentility then running high
in the Commons he had spent more than his professional income which was not a
very large one and had reduced his private means if they ever had been great
which was exceedingly doubtful to a very low ebb indeed There was a sale of
the furniture and lease at Norwood and Tiffey told me little thinking how
interested I was in the story that paying all the just debts of the deceased
and deducting his share of outstanding bad and doubtful debts due to the firm
he wouldnt give a thousand pounds for all the assets remaining
This was at the expiration of about six weeks I had suffered tortures all
the time and thought I really must have laid violent hands upon myself when
Miss Mills still reported to me that my brokenhearted little Dora would say
nothing when I was mentioned but »Oh poor papa Oh dear papa« Also that
she had no other relations than two aunts maiden sisters of Mr Spenlow who
lived at Putney and who had not held any other than chance communication with
their brother for many years Not that they had ever quarrelled Miss Mills
informed me but that having been on the occasion of Doras christening
invited to tea when they considered themselves privileged to be invited to
dinner they had expressed their opinion in writing that it was »better for the
happiness of all parties« that they should stay away Since which they had gone
their road and their brother had gone his
These two ladies now emerged from their retirement and proposed to take
Dora to live at Putney Dora clinging to them both and weeping exclaimed »O
yes aunts Please take Julia Mills and me and Jip to Putney« So they went
very soon after the funeral
How I found time to haunt Putney I am sure I dont know but I contrived
by some means or other to prowl about the neighbourhood pretty often Miss
Mills for the more exact discharge of the duties of friendship kept a journal
and she used to meet me sometimes on the Common and read it or if she had
not time to do that lend it to me How I treasured up the entries of which I
subjoin a sample
»Monday My sweet D still much depressed Headache Called attention to J
as being beautifully sleek D fondled J Associations thus awakened opened
floodgates of sorrow Rush of grief admitted Are tears the dewdrops of the
heart J M
Tuesday D weak and nervous Beautiful in pallor Do we not remark this in
moon likewise J M D J M and J took airing in carriage J looking out of
window and barking violently at dustman occasioned smile to overspread
features of D Of such slight links is chain of life composed J M
Wednesday D comparatively cheerful Sang to her as congenial melody
Evening Bells Effect not soothing but reverse D inexpressibly affected
Found sobbing afterwards in own room Quoted verses respecting self and young
Gazelle Ineffectually Also referred to Patience on Monument Qy Why on
monument J M
Thursday D certainly improved Better night Slight tinge of damask
revisiting cheek Resolved to mention name of D C Introduced same cautiously
in course of airing D immediately overcome Oh dear dear Julia Oh have
been a naughty and undutiful child Soothed and caressed Drew ideal picture of
D C on verge of tomb D again overcome Oh what shall I do what shall I do
Oh take me somewhere Much alarmed Fainting of D and glass of water from
publichouse Poetical affinity Chequered sign on doorpost chequered human
life Alas J M
Friday Day of incident Man appears in kitchen with blue bag for ladys
boots left out to heel Cook replies No such orders Man argues point Cook
withdraws to inquire leaving man alone with J On Cooks return man still
argues point but ultimately goes J missing D distracted Information sent
to police Man to be identified by broad nose and legs like balustrades of
bridge Search made in every direction No J D weeping bitterly and
inconsolable Renewed reference to young Gazelle Appropriate but unavailing
Towards evening strange boy calls Brought into parlour Broad nose but no
balustrades Says he wants a pound and knows a dog Declines to explain
further though much pressed Pound being produced by D takes Cook to little
house where J alone tied up to leg of table Joy of D who dances round J
while he eats his supper Emboldened by this happy change mention D C
upstairs D weeps afresh cries piteously Oh dont dont dont It is so
wicked to think of anything but poor papa embraces J and sobs herself to
sleep Must not D C confine himself to the broad pinions of Time J M«
Miss Mills and her journal were my sole consolation at this period To see
her who had seen Dora but a little while before to trace the initial letter
of Doras name through her sympathetic pages to be made more and more
miserable by her were my only comforts I felt as if I had been living in a
palace of cards which had tumbled down leaving only Miss Mills and me among
the ruins I felt as if some grim enchanter had drawn a magic circle round the
innocent goddess of my heart which nothing indeed but those same strong
pinions capable of carrying so many people over so much would enable me to
enter
Chapter XXXIX
Wickfield and Heep
My aunt beginning I imagine to be made seriously uncomfortable by my
prolonged dejection made a pretence of being anxious that I should go to Dover
to see that all was working well at the cottage which was let and to conclude
an agreement with the same tenant for a longer term of occupation Janet was
drafted into the service of Mrs Strong where I saw her every day She had been
undecided on leaving Dover whether or no to give the finishing touch to that
renunciation of mankind in which she had been educated by marrying a pilot but
she decided against that venture Not so much for the sake of principle I
believe as because she happened not to like him
Although it required an effort to leave Miss Mills I fell rather willingly
into my aunts pretence as a means of enabling me to pass a few tranquil hours
with Agnes I consulted the good Doctor relative to an absence of three days
and the Doctor wishing me to take that relaxation he wished me to take more
but my energy could not bear that I made up my mind to go
As to the Commons I had no great occasion to be particular about my duties
in that quarter To say the truth we were getting in no very good odour among
the tiptop proctors and were rapidly sliding down to but a doubtful position
The business had been indifferent under Mr Jorkins before Mr Spenlows time
and although it had been quickened by the infusion of new blood and by the
display which Mr Spenlow made still it was not established on a sufficiently
strong basis to bear without being shaken such a blow as the sudden loss of
its active manager It fell off very much Mr Jorkins notwithstanding his
reputation in the firm was an easygoing incapable sort of man whose
reputation out of doors was not calculated to back it up I was turned over to
him now and when I saw him take his snuff and let the business go I regretted
my aunts thousand pounds more than ever
But this was not the worst of it There were a number of hangerson and
outsiders about the Commons who without being proctors themselves dabbled in
commonform business and got it done by real proctors who lent their names in
consideration of a share in the spoil and there were a good many of these
too As our house now wanted business on any terms we joined this noble band
and threw out lures to the hangerson and outsiders to bring their business to
us Marriage licences and small probates were what we all looked for and what
paid us best and the competition for these ran very high indeed Kidnappers and
inveiglers were planted in all the avenues of entrance to the Commons with
instructions to do their utmost to cut off all persons in mourning and all
gentlemen with anything bashful in their appearance and entice them to the
offices in which their respective employers were interested which instructions
were so well observed that I myself before I was known by sight was twice
hustled into the premises of our principal opponent The conflicting interests
of these touting gentlemen being of a nature to irritate their feelings
personal collisions took place and the Commons was even scandalised by our
principal inveigler who had formerly been in the wine trade and afterwards in
the sworn brokery line walking about for some days with a black eye Any one of
these scouts used to think nothing of politely assisting an old lady in black
out of a vehicle killing any proctor whom she inquired for representing his
employer as the lawful successor and representative of that proctor and bearing
the old lady off sometimes greatly affected to his employers office Many
captives were brought to me in this way As to marriage licences the
competition rose to such a pitch that a shy gentleman in want of one had
nothing to do but submit himself to the first inveigler or be fought for and
become the prey of the strongest One of our clerks who was an outsider used
in the height of this contest to sit with his hat on that he might be ready to
rush out and swear before a surrogate any victim who was brought in The system
of inveigling continues I believe to this day The last time I was in the
Commons a civil ablebodied person in a white apron pounced out upon me from a
doorway and whispering the word »Marriagelicence« in my ear was with great
difficulty prevented from taking me up in his arms and lifting me into a
proctors
From this digression let me proceed to Dover
I found everything in a satisfactory state at the cottage and was enabled
to gratify my aunt exceedingly by reporting that the tenant inherited her feud
and waged incessant war against donkeys Having settled the little business I
had to transact there and slept there one night I walked on to Canterbury
early in the morning It was now winter again and the fresh cold windy day
and the sweeping downland brightened up my hopes a little
Coming into Canterbury I loitered through the old streets with a sober
pleasure that calmed my spirits and eased my heart There were the old signs
the old names over the shops the old people serving in them It appeared so
long since I had been a schoolboy there that I wondered the place was so
little changed until I reflected how little I was changed myself Strange to
say that quiet influence which was inseparable in my mind from Agnes seemed to
pervade even the city where she dwelt The venerable cathedral towers and the
old jackdaws and rooks whose airy voices made them more retired than perfect
silence would have done the battered gateways once stuck full with statues
long thrown down and crumbled away like the reverential pilgrims who had gazed
upon them the still nooks where the ivied growth of centuries crept over
gabled ends and ruined walls the ancient houses the pastoral landscape of
field orchard and garden everywhere on everything I felt the same serener
air the same calm thoughtful softening spirit
Arrived at Mr Wickfields house I found in the little lower room on the
ground floor where Uriah Heep had been of old accustomed to sit Mr Micawber
plying his pen with great assiduity He was dressed in a legallooking suit of
black and loomed burly and large in that small office
Mr Micawber was extremely glad to see me but a little confused too He
would have conducted me immediately into the presence of Uriah but I declined
»I know the house of old you recollect« said I »and will find my way
upstairs How do you like the law Mr Micawber«
»My dear Copperfield« he replied »To a man possessed of the higher
imaginative powers the objection to legal studies is the amount of detail which
they involve Even in our professional correspondence« said Mr Micawber
glancing at some letters he was writing »the mind is not at liberty to soar to
any exalted form of expression Still it is a great pursuit A great pursuit«
He then told me that he had become the tenant of Uriah Heeps old house and
that Mrs Micawber would be delighted to receive me once more under her own
roof
»It is humble« said Mr Micawber »to quote a favourite expression of my
friend Heep but it may prove the steppingstone to more ambitious domiciliary
accommodation«
I asked him whether he had reason so far to be satisfied with his friend
Heeps treatment of him He got up to ascertain if the door were close shut
before he replied in a lower voice
»My dear Copperfield a man who labours under the pressure of pecuniary
embarrassments is with the generality of people at a disadvantage That
disadvantage is not diminished when that pressure necessitates the drawing of
stipendiary emoluments before those emoluments are strictly due and payable
All I can say is that my friend Heep has responded to appeals to which I need
not more particularly refer in a manner calculated to redound equally to the
honour of his head and of his heart«
»I should not have supposed him to be very free with his money either« I
observed
»Pardon me« said Mr Micawber with an air of constraint »I speak of my
friend Heep as I have experience«
»I am glad your experience is so favourable« I returned
»You are very obliging my dear Copperfield« said Mr Micawber and hummed
a tune
»Do you see much of Mr Wickfield« I asked to change the subject
»Not much« said Mr Micawber slightingly »Mr Wickfield is I dare say a
man of very excellent intentions but he is in short he is obsolete«
»I am afraid his partner seeks to make him so« said I
»My dear Copperfield« returned Mr Micawber after some uneasy evolutions
on his stool »allow me to offer a remark I am here in a capacity of
confidence I am here in a position of trust The discussion of some topics
even with Mrs Micawber herself so long the partner of my various vicissitudes
and a woman of a remarkable lucidity of intellect is I am led to consider
incompatible with the functions now devolving on me I would therefore take the
liberty of suggesting that in our friendly intercourse which I trust will
never be disturbed we draw a line On one side of this line« said Mr
Micawber representing it on the desk with the office ruler »is the whole range
of the human intellect with a trifling exception on the other is that
exception that is to say the affairs of Messrs Wickfield and Heep with all
belonging and appertaining thereunto I trust I give no offence to the companion
of my youth in submitting this proposition to his cooler judgment«
Though I saw an uneasy change in Mr Micawber which sat tightly on him as
if his new duties were a misfit I felt I had no right to be offended My
telling him so appeared to relieve him and he shook hands with me
»I am charmed Copperfield« said Mr Micawber »let me assure you with
Miss Wickfield She is a very superior young lady of very remarkable
attractions graces and virtues Upon my honour« said Mr Micawber
indefinitely kissing his hand and bowing with his genteelest air »I do Homage
to Miss Wickfield Hem«
»I am glad of that at least« said I
»If you had not assured us my dear Copperfield on the occasion of that
agreeable afternoon we had the happiness of passing with you that D was your
favourite letter« said Mr Micawber »I should unquestionably have supposed
that A had been so«
We have all some experience of a feeling that comes over us occasionally
of what we are saying and doing having been said and done before in a remote
time of our having been surrounded dim ages ago by the same faces objects
and circumstances of our knowing perfectly what will be said next as if we
suddenly remembered it I never had this mysterious impression more strongly in
my life than before he uttered those words
I took my leave of Mr Micawber for the time charging him with my best
remembrances to all at home As I left him resuming his stool and his pen and
rolling his head in his stock to get it into easier writing order I clearly
perceived that there was something interposed between him and me since he had
come into his new functions which prevented our getting at each other as we
used to do and quite altered the character of our intercourse
There was no one in the quaint old drawingroom though it presented tokens
of Mrs Heeps whereabout I looked into the room still belonging to Agnes and
saw her sitting by the fire at a pretty oldfashioned desk she had writing
My darkening the light made her look up What a pleasure to be the cause of
that bright change in her attentive face and the object of that sweet regard
and welcome
»Ah Agnes« said I when we were sitting together side by side »I have
missed you so much lately«
»Indeed« she replied »Again And so soon«
I shook my head
»I dont know how it is Agnes I seem to want some faculty of mind that I
ought to have You were so much in the habit of thinking for me in the happy
old days here and I came so naturally to you for counsel and support that I
really think I have missed acquiring it«
»And what is it« said Agnes cheerfully
»I dont know what to call it« I replied »I think I am earnest and
persevering«
»I am sure of it« said Agnes
»And patient Agnes« I inquired with a little hesitation
»Yes« returned Agnes laughing »Pretty well«
»And yet« said I »I get so miserable and worried and am so unsteady and
irresolute in my power of assuring myself that I know I must want shall I
call it reliance of some kind«
»Call it so if you will« said Agnes
»Well« I returned »See here You come to London I rely on you and I have
an object and a course at once I am driven out of it I come here and in a
moment I feel an altered person The circumstances that distressed me are not
changed since I came into this room but an influence comes over me in that
short interval that alters me oh how much for the better What is it What is
your secret Agnes«
Her head was bent down looking at the fire
»Its the old story« said I »Dont laugh when I say it was always the
same in little things as it is in greater ones My old troubles were nonsense
and now they are serious but whenever I have gone away from my adopted sister
«
Agnes looked up with such a Heavenly face and gave me her hand which I
kissed
»Whenever I have not had you Agnes to advise and approve in the beginning
I have seemed to go wild and to get into all sorts of difficulty When I have
come to you at last as I have always done I have come to peace and
happiness I come home now like a tired traveller and find such a blessed
sense of rest«
I felt so deeply what I said it affected me so sincerely that my voice
failed and I covered my face with my hand and broke into tears I write the
truth Whatever contradictions and inconsistencies there were within me as
there are within so many of us whatever might have been so different and so
much better whatever I had done in which I had perversely wandered away from
the voice of my own heart I knew nothing of I only knew that I was fervently
in earnest when I felt the rest and peace of having Agnes near me
In her placid sisterly manner with her beaming eyes with her tender voice
and with that sweet composure which had long ago made the house that held her
quite a sacred place to me she soon won me from this weakness and led me on to
tell all that had happened since our last meeting
»And there is not another word to tell Agnes« said I when I had made an
end of my confidence »Now my reliance is on you«
»But it must not be on me Trotwood« returned Agnes with a pleasant smile
»It must be on some one else«
»On Dora« said I
»Assuredly«
»Why I have not mentioned Agnes« said I a little embarrassed »that Dora
is rather difficult to I would not for the world say to rely upon because
she is the soul of purity and truth but rather difficult to I hardly know
how to express it really Agnes She is a timid little thing and easily
disturbed and frightened Some time ago before her fathers death when I
thought it right to mention to her but Ill tell you if you will bear with
me how it was«
Accordingly I told Agnes about my declaration of poverty about the
cookerybook the housekeeping accounts and all the rest of it
»Oh Trotwood« she remonstrated with a smile »Just your old headlong way
You might have been in earnest in striving to get on in the world without being
so very sudden with a timid loving inexperienced girl Poor Dora«
I never heard such sweet forbearing kindness expressed in a voice as she
expressed in making this reply It was as if I had seen her admiringly and
tenderly embracing Dora and tacitly reproving me by her considerate
protection for my hot haste in fluttering that little heart It was as if I had
seen Dora in all her fascinating artlessness caressing Agnes and thanking
her and coaxingly appealing against me and loving me with all her childish
innocence
I felt so grateful to Agnes and admired her so I saw those two together
in a bright perspective such wellassociated friends each adorning the other
so much
»What ought I to do then Agnes« I inquired after looking at the fire a
little while »What would it be right to do«
»I think« said Agnes »that the honourable course to take would be to
write to those two ladies Dont you think that any secret course is an unworthy
one«
»Yes If you think so« said I
»I am poorly qualified to judge of such matters« replied Agnes with a
modest hesitation »but I certainly feel in short I feel that your being
secret and clandestine is not being like yourself«
»Like myself in the too high opinion you have of me Agnes I am afraid«
said I
»Like yourself in the candour of your nature« she returned »and therefore
I would write to those two ladies I would relate as plainly and as openly as
possible all that has taken place and I would ask their permission to visit
sometimes at their house Considering that you are young and striving for a
place in life I think it would be well to say that you would readily abide by
any conditions they might impose upon you I would entreat them not to dismiss
your request without a reference to Dora and to discuss it with her when they
should think the time suitable I would not be too vehement« said Agnes
gently »or propose too much I would trust to my fidelity and perseverance
and to Dora«
»But if they were to frighten Dora again Agnes by speaking to her« said
I »And if Dora were to cry and say nothing about me«
»Is that likely« inquired Agnes with the same sweet consideration in her
face
»God bless her she is as easily scared as a bird« said I »It might be Or
if the two Miss Spenlows elderly ladies of that sort are odd characters
sometimes should not be likely persons to address in that way«
»I dont think Trotwood« returned Agnes raising her soft eyes to mine »I
would consider that Perhaps it would be better only to consider whether it is
right to do this and if it is to do it«
I had no longer any doubt on the subject With a lightened heart though
with a profound sense of the weighty importance of my task I devoted the whole
afternoon to the composition of the draft of this letter for which great
purpose Agnes relinquished her desk to me But first I went downstairs to see
Mr Wickfield and Uriah Heep
I found Uriah in possession of a new plastersmelling office built out in
the garden looking extraordinarily mean in the midst of a quantity of books
and papers He received me in his usual fawning way and pretended not to have
heard of my arrival from Mr Micawber a pretence I took the liberty of
disbelieving He accompanied me into Mr Wickfields room which was the shadow
of its former self having been divested of a variety of conveniences for the
accommodation of the new partner and stood before the fire warming his back
and shaving his chin with his bony hand while Mr Wickfield and I exchanged
greetings
»You stay with us Trotwood while you remain in Canterbury« said Mr
Wickfield not without a glance at Uriah for his approval
»Is there room for me« said I
»I am sure Master Copperfield I should say Mister but the other comes so
natural« said Uriah »I would turn out of your old room with pleasure if it
would be agreeable«
»No no« said Mr Wickfield »Why should you be inconvenienced Theres
another room Theres another room«
»Oh but you know« returned Uriah with a grin »I should really be
delighted«
To cut the matter short I said I would have the other room or none at all
so it was settled that I should have the other room and taking my leave of the
firm until dinner I went upstairs again
I had hoped to have no other companion than Agnes But Mrs Heep had asked
permission to bring herself and her knitting near the fire in that room on
pretence of its having an aspect more favourable for her rheumatics as the wind
then was than the drawingroom or diningparlour Though I could almost have
consigned her to the mercies of the wind on the topmost pinnacle of the
Cathedral without remorse I made a virtue of necessity and gave her a
friendly salutation
»Im umbly thankful to you sir« said Mrs Heep in acknowledgment of my
inquiries concerning her health »but Im only pretty well I havent much to
boast of If I could see my Uriah well settled in life I couldnt expect much
more I think How do you think my Ury looking sir«
I thought him looking as villanous as ever and I replied that I saw no
change in him
»Oh dont you think hes changed« said Mrs Heep »There I must umbly beg
leave to differ from you Dont you see a thinness in him«
»Not more than usual« I replied
»Dont you though« said Mrs Heep »But you dont take notice of him with a
mothers eye«
His mothers eye was an evil eye to the rest of the world I thought as it
met mine howsoever affectionate to him and I believe she and her son were
devoted to one another. It passed me and went on to Agnes
»Dont you see a wasting and a wearing in him Miss Wickfield« inquired
Mrs Heep
»No« said Agnes quietly pursuing the work on which she was engaged »You
are too solicitous about him He is very well«
Mrs Heep with a prodigious sniff resumed her knitting
She never left off or left us for a moment I had arrived early in the day
and we had still three or four hours before dinner but she sat there plying
her knittingneedles as monotonously as an hourglass might have poured out its
sands She sat on one side of the fire I sat at the desk in front of it a
little beyond me on the other side sat Agnes Whensoever slowly pondering
over my letter I lifted up my eyes and meeting the thoughtful face of Agnes
saw it clear and beam encouragement upon me with its own angelic expression I
was conscious presently of the evil eye passing me and going on to her and
coming back to me again and dropping furtively upon the knitting What the
knitting was I dont know not being learned in that art but it looked like a
net and as she worked away with those Chinese chopsticks of knittingneedles
she showed in the firelight like an illlooking enchantress baulked as yet by
the radiant goodness opposite but getting ready for a cast of her net
byandby
At dinner she maintained her watch with the same unwinking eyes After
dinner her son took his turn and when Mr Wickfield himself and I were left
alone together leered at me and writhed until I could hardly bear it In the
drawingroom there was the mother knitting and watching again All the time
that Agnes sang and played the mother sat at the piano Once she asked for a
particular ballad which she said her Ury who was yawning in a great chair
doted on and at intervals she looked round at him and reported to Agnes that
he was in raptures with the music But she hardly ever spoke I question if she
ever did without making some mention of him It was evident to me that this
was the duty assigned to her
This lasted until bedtime To have seen the mother and son like two great
bats hanging over the whole house and darkening it with their ugly forms made
me so uncomfortable that I would rather have remained downstairs knitting and
all than gone to bed I hardly got any sleep Next day the knitting and
watching began again and lasted all day
I had not an opportunity of speaking to Agnes for ten minutes I could
barely show her my letter I proposed to her to walk out with me but Mrs Heep
repeatedly complaining that she was worse Agnes charitably remained within to
bear her company Towards the twilight I went out by myself musing on what I
ought to do and whether I was justified in withholding from Agnes any longer
what Uriah Heep had told me in London for that began to trouble me again very
much
I had not walked out far enough to be quite clear of the town upon the
Ramsgate road where there was a good path when I was hailed through the dust
by somebody behind me The shambling figure and the scanty great coat were not
to be mistaken I stopped and Uriah Heep came up
»Well« said I
»How fast you walk« said he »My legs are pretty long but youve given em
quite a job«
»Where are you going« said I
»I am coming with you Master Copperfield if youll allow me the pleasure
of a walk with an old acquaintance« Saying this with a jerk of his body which
might have been either propitiatory or derisive he fell into step beside me
»Uriah« said I as civilly as I could after a silence
»Master Copperfield« said Uriah
»To tell you the truth at which you will not be offended I came out to
walk alone because I have had so much company«
He looked at me sideways and said with his hardest grin »You mean
mother«
»Why yes I do« said I
»Ah But you know were so very umble« he returned »And having such a
knowledge of our own umbleness we must really take care that were not pushed
to the wall by them as isnt umble All stratagems are fair in love sir«
Raising his great hands until they touched his chin he rubbed them softly
and softly chuckled looking as like a malevolent baboon I thought as anything
human could look
»You see« he said still hugging himself in that unpleasant way and
shaking his head at me »youre quite a dangerous rival Master Copperfield You
always was you know«
»Do you set a watch upon Miss Wickfield and make her home no home because
of me« said I
»Oh Master Copperfield Those are very arsh words« he replied
»Put my meaning into any words you like« said I »You know what it is
Uriah as well as I do«
»Oh no You must put it into words« he said »Oh really I couldnt
myself«
»Do you suppose« said I constraining myself to be very temperate and quiet
with him on account of Agnes »that I regard Miss Wickfield otherwise than as a
very dear sister«
»Well Master Copperfield« he replied »you perceive I am not bound to
answer that question You may not you know But then you see you may«
Anything to equal the low cunning of his visage and of his shadowless eyes
without the ghost of an eyelash I never saw
»Come then« said I »For the sake of Miss Wickfield « «
»My Agnes« he exclaimed with a sickly angular contortion of himself
»Would you be so good as call her Agnes Master Copperfield«
»For the sake of Agnes Wickfield Heaven bless her«
»Thank you for that blessing Master Copperfield« he interposed
»I will tell you what I should under any other circumstances as soon have
thought of telling to Jack Ketch«
»To who sir« said Uriah stretching out his neck and shading his ear with
his hand
»To the hangman« I returned »The most unlikely person I could think of«
though his own face had suggested the allusion quite as a natural sequence »I
am engaged to another young lady I hope that contents you«
»Upon your soul« said Uriah
I was about indignantly to give my assertion the confirmation he required
when he caught hold of my hand and gave it a squeeze
»Oh Master Copperfield« he said »If you had only had the condescension to
return my confidence when I poured out the fulness of my art the night I put
you so much out of the way by sleeping before your sittingroom fire I never
should have doubted you As it is Im sure Ill take off mother directly and
only too appy I know youll excuse the precautions of affection wont you
What a pity Master Copperfield that you didnt condescend to return my
confidence Im sure I gave you every opportunity But you never have
condescended to me as much as I could have wished I know you have never liked
me as I have liked you«
All this time he was squeezing my hand with his damp fishy fingers while I
made every effort I decently could to get it away But I was quite unsuccessful
He drew it under the sleeve of his mulberrycoloured great coat and I walked
on almost upon compulsion arm in arm with him
»Shall we turn« said Uriah byandby wheeling me face about towards the
town on which the early moon was now shining silvering the distant windows
»Before we leave the subject you ought to understand« said I breaking a
pretty long silence »that I believe Agnes Wickfield to be as far above you and
as far removed from all your aspirations as that moon herself«
»Peaceful Aint she« said Uriah »Very Now confess Master Copperfield
that you havent liked me quite as I have liked you All along youve thought me
too umble now I shouldnt wonder«
»I am not fond of professions of humility« I returned »or professions of
anything else«
»There now« said Uriah looking flabby and leadcoloured in the moonlight
»Didnt I know it But how little you think of the rightful umbleness of a
person in my station Master Copperfield Father and me was both brought up at a
foundation school for boys and mother she was likewise brought up at a public
sort of charitable establishment They taught us all a deal of umbleness not
much else that I know of from morning to night We was to be umble to this
person and umble to that and to pull off our caps here and to make bows
there and always to know our place and abase ourselves before our betters And
we had such a lot of betters Father got the monitormedal by being umble So
did I Father got made a sexton by being umble He had the character among the
gentlefolks of being such a wellbehaved man that they were determined to
bring him in Be umble Uriah says father to me and youll get on It was what
was always being dinned into you and me at school its what goes down best Be
umble says father and youll do And really it aint done bad«
It was the first time it had ever occurred to me that this detestable cant
of false humility might have originated out of the Heep family I had seen the
harvest but had never thought of the seed
»When I was quite a young boy« said Uriah »I got to know what umbleness
did and I took to it I ate umble pie with an appetite I stopped at the umble
point of my learning and says I Hold hard When you offered to teach me Latin
I knew better People like to be above you says father keep yourself down I
am very umble to the present moment Master Copperfield but Ive got a little
power«
And he said all this I knew as I saw his face in the moonlight that I
might understand he was resolved to recompense himself by using his power I had
never doubted his meanness his craft and malice but I fully comprehended now
for the first time what a base unrelenting and revengeful spirit must have
been engendered by this early and this long suppression
His account of himself was so far attended with an agreeable result that it
led to his withdrawing his hand in order that he might have another hug of
himself under the chin Once apart from him I was determined to keep apart and
we walked back side by side saying very little more by the way
Whether his spirits were elevated by the communication I had made to him or
by his having indulged in this retrospect I dont know but they were raised by
some influence He talked more at dinner than was usual with him asked his
mother off duty from the moment of our reentering the house whether he was
not growing too old for a bachelor and once looked at Agnes so that I would
have given all I had for leave to knock him down
When we three males were left alone after dinner he got into a more
adventurous state He had taken little or no wine and I presume it was the mere
insolence of triumph that was upon him flushed perhaps by the temptation my
presence furnished to its exhibition
I had observed yesterday that he tried to entice Mr Wickfield to drink
and interpreting the look which Agnes had given me as she went out had limited
myself to one glass and then proposed that we should follow her I would have
done so again today but Uriah was too quick for me
»We seldom see our present visitor sir« he said addressing Mr Wickfield
sitting such a contrast to him at the end of the table »and I should propose
to give him welcome in another glass or two of wine if you have no objections
Mr Copperfield your elth and appiness«
I was obliged to make a show of taking the hand he stretched across to me
and then with very different emotions I took the hand of the broken gentleman
his partner
»Come fellowpartner« said Uriah »if I may take the liberty now
suppose you give us something or another appropriate to Copperfield«
I pass over Mr Wickfields proposing my aunt his proposing Mr Dick his
proposing Doctors Commons his proposing Uriah his drinking everything twice
his consciousness of his own weakness the ineffectual effort that he made
against it the struggle between his shame in Uriahs deportment and his desire
to conciliate him the manifest exultation with which Uriah twisted and turned
and held him up before me It made me sick at heart to see and my hand recoils
from writing it
»Come fellowpartner« said Uriah at last »Ill give you another one and
I umbly ask for bumpers seeing I intend to make it the divinest of her sex«
Her father had his empty glass in his hand I saw him set it down look at
the picture she was so like put his hand to his forehead and shrink back in
his elbowchair
»Im an umble individual to give you her elth« proceeded Uriah »but I
admire adore her«
No physical pain that her fathers grey head could have borne I think could
have been more terrible to me than the mental endurance I saw compressed now
within both his hands
»Agnes« said Uriah either not regarding him or not knowing what the
nature of his action was »Agnes Wickfield is I am safe to say the divinest of
her sex May I speak out among friends To be her father is a proud
distinction but to be her usband «
Spare me from ever again hearing such a cry as that with which her father
rose up from the table
»Whats the matter« said Uriah turning of a deadly colour »You are not
gone mad after all Mr Wickfield I hope If I say Ive an ambition to make
your Agnes my Agnes I have as good a right to it as another man I have a
better right to it than any other man«
I had my arms round Mr Wickfield imploring him by everything that I could
think of oftenest of all by his love for Agnes to calm himself a little He
was mad for the moment tearing out his hair beating his head trying to force
me from him and to force himself from me not answering a word not looking at
or seeing any one blindly striving for he knew not what his face all staring
and distorted a frightful spectacle
I conjured him incoherently but in the most impassioned manner not to
abandon himself to this wildness but to hear me I besought him to think of
Agnes to connect me with Agnes to recollect how Agnes and I had grown up
together how I honoured her and loved her how she was his pride and joy I
tried to bring her idea before him in any form I even reproached him with not
having firmness to spare her the knowledge of such a scene as this I may have
effected something or his wildness may have spent itself; but by degrees he
struggled less and began to look at me strangely at first then with
recognition in his eyes At length he said »I know Trotwood My darling child
and you I know But look at him«
He pointed to Uriah pale and glowering in a corner evidently very much out
in his calculations and taken by surprise
»Look at my torturer« he replied »Before him I have step by step abandoned
name and reputation peace and quiet house and home«
»I have kept your name and reputation for you and your peace and quiet and
your house and home too« said Uriah with a sulky hurried defeated air of
compromise »Dont be foolish Mr Wickfield If I have gone a little beyond
what you were prepared for I can go back I suppose Theres no harm done«
»I looked for single motives in every one« said Mr Wickfield »and I was
satisfied I had bound him to me by motives of interest But see what he is oh
see what he is«
»You had better stop him Copperfield if you can« cried Uriah with his
long forefinger pointing towards me »Hell say something presently mind you
hell be sorry to have said afterwards and youll be sorry to have heard«
»Ill say anything« cried Mr Wickfield with a desperate air »Why should
I not be in all the worlds power if I am in yours«
»Mind I tell you« said Uriah continuing to warn me »If you dont stop
his mouth youre not his friend Why shouldnt you be in all the worlds power
Mr Wickfield Because you have got a daughter You and me know what we know
dont we Let sleeping dogs lie who wants to rouse em I dont Cant you see
I am as umble as I can be I tell you if Ive gone too far Im sorry What
would you have sir«
»Oh Trotwood Trotwood« exclaimed Mr Wickfield wringing his hands »What
I have come down to be since I first saw you in this house I was on my
downward way then but the dreary dreary road I have traversed since Weak
indulgence has ruined me Indulgence in remembrance and indulgence in
forgetfulness My natural grief for my childs mother turned to disease my
natural love for my child turned to disease I have infected everything I
touched I have brought misery on what I dearly love I know You know I
thought it possible that I could truly love one creature in the world and not
love the rest I thought it possible that I could truly mourn for one creature
gone out of the world and not have some part in the grief of all who mourned
Thus the lessons of my life have been perverted I have preyed on my own morbid
coward heart and it has preyed on me Sordid in my grief sordid in my love
sordid in my miserable escape from the darker side of both oh see the ruin I
am and hate me shun me«
He dropped into a chair and weakly sobbed The excitement into which he had
been roused was leaving him Uriah came out of his corner
»I dont know all I have done in my fatuity« said Mr Wickfield putting
out his hands as if to deprecate my condemnation »He knows best« meaning
Uriah Heep »for he has always been at my elbow whispering me You see the
millstone that he is about my neck You find him in my house you find him in my
business You heard him but a little time ago What need have I to say more«
»You havent need to say so much nor half so much nor anything at all«
observed Uriah half defiant and half fawning »You wouldnt have took it up
so if it hadnt been for the wine Youll think better of it tomorrow sir If
I have said too much or more than I meant what of it I havent stood by it«
The door opened and Agnes gliding in without a vestige of colour in her
face put her arm round his neck and steadily said »Papa you are not well
Come with me« He laid his head upon her shoulder as if he were oppressed with
heavy shame and went out with her Her eyes met mine for but an instant yet I
saw how much she knew of what had passed
»I didnt expect hed cut up so rough Master Copperfield« said Uriah »But
its nothing Ill be friends with him tomorrow Its for his good Im umbly
anxious for his good«
I gave him no answer and went upstairs into the quiet room where Agnes had
so often sat beside me at my books Nobody came near me until late at night I
took up a book and tried to read I heard the clocks strike twelve and was
still reading without knowing what I read when Agnes touched me
»You will be going early in the morning Trotwood Let us say goodbye
now«
She had been weeping but her face then was so calm and beautiful
»Heaven bless you« she said giving me her hand
»Dearest Agnes« I returned »I see you ask me not to speak of tonight
but is there nothing to be done«
»There is God to trust in« she replied
»Can I do nothing I who come to you with my poor sorrows«
»And make mine so much lighter« she replied »Dear Trotwood no«
»Dear Agnes« I said »it is presumptuous for me who am so poor in all in
which you are so rich goodness resolution all noble qualities to doubt or
direct you but you know how much I love you and how much I owe you You will
never sacrifice yourself to a mistaken sense of duty Agnes«
More agitated for a moment than I had ever seen her she took her hand from
me and moved a step back
»Say you have no such thought dear Agnes Much more than sister Think of
the priceless gift of such a heart as yours of such a love as yours«
Oh long long afterwards I saw that face rise up before me with its
momentary look not wondering not accusing not regretting Oh long long
afterwards I saw that look subside as it did now into the lovely smile with
which she told me she had no fear for herself I need have none for her and
parted from me by the name of Brother and was gone
It was dark in the morning when I got upon the coach at the inn door The
day was just breaking when we were about to start and then as I sat thinking
of her came struggling up the coach side through the mingled day and night
Uriahs head
»Copperfield« said he in a croaking whisper as he hung by the iron on the
roof »I thought youd be glad to hear before you went off that there are no
squares broke between us Ive been into his room already and weve made it all
smooth Why though Im umble Im useful to him you know and he understands
his interest when he isnt in liquor What an agreeable man he is after all
Master Copperfield«
I obliged myself to say that I was glad he had made his apology
»Oh to be sure« said Uriah »When a persons umble you know whats an
apology So easy I say I suppose« with a jerk »you have sometimes plucked a
pear before it was ripe Master Copperfield«
»I suppose I have« I replied
»I did that last night« said Uriah »but itll ripen yet It only wants
attending to I can wait«
Profuse in his farewells he got down again as the coachman got up For
anything I know he was eating something to keep the raw morning air out but he
made motions with his mouth as if the pear were ripe already and he were
smacking his lips over it
Chapter XL
The Wanderer
We had a very serious conversation in Buckingham Street that night about the
domestic occurrences I have detailed in the last chapter My aunt was deeply
interested in them and walked up and down the room with her arms folded for
more than two hours afterwards Whenever she was particularly discomposed she
always performed one of these pedestrian feats and the amount of her
discomposure might always be estimated by the duration of her walk On this
occasion she was so much disturbed in mind as to find it necessary to open the
bedroom door and make a course for herself comprising the full extent of the
bedrooms from wall to wall and while Mr Dick and I sat quietly by the fire
she kept passing in and out along this measured track at an unchanging pace
with the regularity of a clockpendulum
When my aunt and I were left to ourselves by Mr Dicks going out to bed I
sat down to write my letter to the two old ladies By that time she was tired of
walking and sat by the fire with her dress tucked up as usual But instead of
sitting in her usual manner holding her glass upon her knee she suffered it to
stand neglected on the chimneypiece and resting her left elbow on her right
arm and her chin on her left hand looked thoughtfully at me As often as I
raised my eyes from what I was about I met hers »I am in the lovingest of
tempers my dear« she would assure me with a nod »but I am fidgeted and
sorry«
I had been too busy to observe until after she was gone to bed that she
had left her nightmixture as she always called it untasted on the
chimneypiece She came to her door with even more than her usual affection of
manner when I knocked to acquaint her with this discovery but only said »I
have not the heart to take it Trot tonight« and shook her head and went in
again
She read my letter to the two old ladies in the morning and approved of
it I posted it and had nothing to do then but wait as patiently as I could
for the reply I was still in this state of expectation and had been for
nearly a week when I left the Doctors one snowy night to walk home
It had been a bitter day and a cutting northeast wind had blown for some
time The wind had gone down with the light and so the snow had come on It was
a heavy settled fall I recollect in great flakes and it lay thick The noise
of wheels and tread of people were as hushed as if the streets had been strewn
that depth with feathers
My shortest way home and I naturally took the shortest way on such a
night was through Saint Martins Lane Now the church which gives its name to
the lane stood in a less free situation at that time there being no open space
before it and the lane winding down to the Strand As I passed the steps of the
portico I encountered at the corner a womans face It looked in mine passed
across the narrow lane and disappeared I knew it I had seen it somewhere But
I could not remember where I had some association with it that struck upon my
heart directly but I was thinking of anything else when it came upon me and
was confused
On the steps of the church there was the stooping figure of a man who had
put down some burden on the smooth snow to adjust it my seeing the face and
my seeing him were simultaneous I dont think I had stopped in my surprise
but in any case as I went on he rose turned and came down towards me I
stood face to face with Mr Peggotty
Then I remembered the woman It was Martha to whom Emily had given the
money that night in the kitchen Martha Endell side by side with whom he
would not have seen his dear niece Ham had told me for all the treasures
wrecked in the sea
We shook hands heartily At first neither of us could speak a word
»Masr Davy« he said griping me tight »it do my art good to see you sir
Well met well met«
»Well met my dear old friend« said I
»I had my thowts o coming to make inquiration for you sir tonight« he
said »but knowing as your aunt was living along wi you for Ive been down
yonder Yarmouth way I was afeerd it was too late I should have come early
in the morning sir afore going away«
»Again« said I
»Yes sir« he replied patiently shaking his head »Im away tomorrow«
»Where were you going now« I asked
»Well« he replied shaking the snow out of his long hair »I was a going to
turn in somewheers«
In those days there was a sideentrance to the stableyard of the Golden
Cross the inn so memorable to me in connexion with his misfortune nearly
opposite to where we stood I pointed out the gateway put my arm through his
and we went across Two or three publicrooms opened out of the stableyard and
looking into one of them and finding it empty and a good fire burning I took
him in there
When I saw him in the light I observed not only that his hair was long and
ragged but that his face was burnt dark by the sun He was greyer the lines in
his face and forehead were deeper and he had every appearance of having toiled
and wandered through all varieties of weather but he looked very strong and
like a man upheld by stedfastness of purpose whom nothing could tire out He
shook the snow from his hat and clothes and brushed it away from his face
while I was inwardly making these remarks As he sate down opposite to me at a
table with his back to the door by which we had entered he put out his rough
hand again and grasped mine warmly
»Ill tell you Masr Davy« he said »wheer all Ive been and whatall
weve heerd Ive been fur and weve heerd little but Ill tell you«
I rang the bell for something hot to drink He would have nothing stronger
than ale and while it was being brought and being warmed at the fire he sat
thinking There was a fine massive gravity in his face I did not venture to
disturb
»When she was a child« he said lifting up his head soon after we were left
alone »she used to talk to me a deal about the sea and about them coasts where
the sea got to be dark blue and to lay ashining and ashining in the sun I
thowt odd times as her father being drownded made her think on it so much I
doent know you see but maybe she believed or hoped he had drifted out to
them parts where the flowers is always a blowing and the country bright«
»It is likely to have been a childish fancy« I replied
»When she was lost« said Mr Peggotty »I knowd in my mind as he would
take her to them countries I knowd in my mind as hed have told her wonders
of em and how she was to be a lady theer and how he got her listen to him
fust along o sech like When we see his mother I knowd quite well as I was
right I went acrosschannel to France and landed theer as if Id fell down
from the sky«
I saw the door move and the snow drift in I saw it move a little more and
a hand softly interpose to keep it open
»I found out an English genleman as was in authority« said Mr Peggotty
»and told him I was a going to seek my niece He got me them papers as I wanted
fur to carry me through I doent rightly know how theyre called and he
would have give me money but that I was thankful to have no need on I thank
him kind for all he done Im sure Ive wrote afore you he says to me and I
shall speak to many as will come that way and many will know you fur distant
from here when youre a travelling alone I told him best as I was able what
my gratitoode was and went away through France«
»Alone and on foot« said I
»Mostly afoot« he rejoined »sometimes in carts along with people going to
market sometimes in empty coaches Many mile a day afoot and often with some
poor soldier or another travelling to see his friends I couldnt talk to him«
said Mr Peggotty »nor he to me but we was company for one another, too along
the dusty roads«
I should have known that by his friendly tone
»When I come to any town« he pursued »I found the inn and waited about
the yard till some one turned up some one mostly did as knowd English Then I
told how that I was on my way to seek my niece and they told me what manner of
gentlefolks was in the house and I waited to see any as seemed like her going
in or out When it warnt Emly I went on agen By little and little when I
come to a new village or that among the poor people I found they knowd about
me They would set me down at their cottage doors and give me whatnot fur to
eat and drink and show me where to sleep and many a woman Masr Davy as has
had a daughter of about Emlys age Ive found awaiting for me at Our
Saviours Cross outside the village fur to do me simlar kindnesses Some has
had daughters as was dead And God only knows how good them mothers was to me«
It was Martha at the door I saw her haggard listening face distinctly My
dread was lest he should turn his head and see her too
»They would often put their children particular their little girls« said
Mr Peggotty »upon my knee and many a time you might have seen me sitting at
their doors when night was coming on amost as if theyd been my Darlings
children Oh my Darling«
Overpowered by sudden grief he sobbed aloud I laid my trembling hand upon
the hand he put before his face »Thankee sir« he said »doent take no
notice«
In a very little while he took his hand away and put it on his breast and
went on with his story
»They often walked with me« he said »in the morning maybe a mile or two
upon my road and when we parted and I said Im very thankful to you God
bless you they always seemed to understand and answered pleasant At last I
come to the sea It warnt hard you may suppose for a seafaring man like me to
work his way over to Italy When I got theer I wandered on as I had done afore
The people was just as good to me and I should have gone from town to town
maybe the country through but that I got news of her being seen among them
Swiss mountains yonder One as knowd his sarvant see em there all three and
told me how they travelled and where they was I made for them mountains Masr
Davy day and night Ever so fur as I went ever so fur the mountains seemed to
shift away from me But I come up with em and I crossed em When I got nigh
the place as I had been told of I began to think within my own self What shall
I do when I see her«
The listening face insensible to the inclement night still drooped at the
door and the hands begged me prayed me not to cast it forth
»I never doubted her« said Mr Peggotty »No Not a bit Ony let her see
my face ony let her heer my voice ony let my stanning still afore her
bring to her thoughts the home she had fled away from and the child she had
been and if she had growed to be a royal lady shed have fell down at my
feet I knowd it well Many a time in my sleep had I heerd her cry out Uncle
and seen her fall like death afore me Many a time in my sleep had I raised her
up and whispered to her Emly my dear I am come fur to bring forgiveness
and to take you home«
He stopped and shook his head and went on with a sigh
»He was nowt to me now Emly was all I bought a country dress to put upon
her and I knowd that once found she would walk beside me over them stony
roads go where I would and never never leave me more To put that dress upon
her and to cast off what she wore to take her on my arm again and wander
towards home to stop sometimes upon the road and heal her bruised feet and
her worsebruised heart was all that I thowt of now I doent believe I should
have done so much as look at him But Masr Davy it warnt to be not yet I
was too late and they was gone Wheer I couldnt learn Some said heer some
said theer I travelled heer and I travelled theer but I found no Emly and I
travelled home«
»How long ago« I asked
»A matter o fower days« said Mr Peggotty »I sighted the old boat arter
dark and the light a shining in the winder When I come nigh and looked in
through the glass I see the faithful creetur Missis Gummidge sittin by the
fire as we had fixed upon alone I called out Doent be afeerd Its Danl
and I went in I never could have thowt the old boat would have been so
strange«
From some pocket in his breast he took out with a very careful hand a
small paper bundle containing two or three letters or little packets which he
laid upon the table
»This fust one come« he said selecting it from the rest »afore I had been
gone a week A fifty pound Bank note in a sheet of paper directed to me and
put underneath the door in the night She tried to hide her writing but she
couldnt hide it from Me«
He folded up the note again with great patience and care in exactly the
same form and laid it on one side
»This come to Missis Gummidge« he said opening another »two or three
months ago« After looking at it for some moments he gave it to me and added
in a low voice »Be so good as read it sir«
I read as follows
»Oh what will you feel when you see this writing and know it comes from
my wicked hand But try try not for my sake but for uncles
goodness try to let your heart soften to me only for a little little
time Try pray do to relent towards a miserable girl and write down
on a bit of paper whether he is well and what he said about me before
you left off ever naming me among yourselves and whether of a night
when it is my old time of coming home you ever see him look as if he
thought of one he used to love so dear Oh my heart is breaking when I
think about it I am kneeling down to you begging and praying you not
to be as hard with me as I deserve as I well well know I deserve
but to be so gentle and so good as to write down something of him and
to send it to me You need not call me Little you need not call me by
the name I have disgraced but oh listen to my agony and have mercy on
me so far as to write me some word of uncle never never to be seen in
this world by my eyes again
Dear if your heart is hard towards me justly hard I know but
Listen if it is hard dear ask him I have wronged the most him whose
wife I was to have been before you quite decide against my poor poor
prayer If he should be so compassionate as to say that you might write
something for me to read I think he would oh I think he would if
you would only ask him for he always was so brave and so forgiving
tell him then but not else that when I hear the wind blowing at
night I feel as if it was passing angrily from seeing him and uncle
and was going up to God against me Tell him that if I was to die
tomorrow and oh if I was fit I would be so glad to die I would
bless him and uncle with my last words and pray for his happy home with
my last breath«
Some money was enclosed in this letter also Five pounds It was untouched like
the previous sum and he refolded it in the same way Detailed instructions were
added relative to the address of a reply which although they betrayed the
intervention of several hands and made it difficult to arrive at any very
probable conclusion in reference to her place of concealment made it at least
not unlikely that she had written from that spot where she was stated to have
been seen
»What answer was sent« I inquired of Mr Peggotty
»Missis Gummidge« he returned »not being a good scholar sir Ham kindly
drawed it out and she made a copy on it They told her I was gone to seek her
and what my parting words was«
»Is that another letter in your hand« said I
»Its money sir« said Mr Peggotty unfolding it a little way »Ten pound
you see And wrote inside From a true friend like the fust But the fust was
put underneath the door and this come by the post day afore yesterday Im a
going to seek her at the postmark«
He showed it to me It was a town on the Upper Rhine He had found out at
Yarmouth some foreign dealers who knew that country and they had drawn him a
rude map on paper which he could very well understand He laid it between us on
the table and with his chin resting on one hand tracked his course upon it
with the other
I asked him how Ham was He shook his head
»He works« he said »as bold as a man can His names as good in all that
part as any mans is anywheres in the wureld Any ones hand is ready to help
him you understand and his is ready to help them Hes never been heerd fur to
complain But my sisters belief is twixt ourselves as it has cut him deep«
»Poor fellow I can believe it«
»He aint no care Masr Davy« said Mr Peggotty in a solemn whisper
»keinder no care nohow for his life When a mans wanted for rough sarvice in
rough weather hes theer When theres hard duty to be done with danger in it
he steps forard afore all his mates And yet hes as gentle as any child There
aint a child in Yarmouth that doent know him«
He gathered up the letters thoughtfully smoothing them with his hand put
them into their little bundle and placed it tenderly in his breast again The
face was gone from the door I still saw the snow drifting in but nothing else
was there
»Well« he said looking to his bag »having seen you tonight Masr Davy
and that doos me good I shall away betimes tomorrow morning You have seen
what Ive got heer« putting his hand on where the little packet lay »all that
troubles me is to think that any harm might come to me afore that money was
give back If I was to die and it was lost or stole or elseways made away
with and it was never knowd by him but what Id took it I believe the tother
wureld wouldnt hold me I believe I must come back«
He rose and I rose too we grasped each other by the hand again before
going out
»Id go ten thousand mile« he said »Id go till I dropped dead to lay
that money down afore him If I do that and find my Emly Im content If I
doent find her maybe shell come to hear sometime as her loving uncle only
ended his search for her when he ended his life and if I know her even that
will turn her home at last«
As he went out into the rigorous night I saw the lonely figure flit away
before us I turned him hastily on some pretence and held him in conversation
until it was gone
He spoke of a travellers house on the Dover Road where he knew he could
find a clean plain lodging for the night I went with him over Westminster
Bridge and parted from him on the Surrey shore Everything seemed to my
imagination to be hushed in reverence for him as he resumed his solitary
journey through the snow
I returned to the inn yard and impressed by my remembrance of the face
looked awfully around for it It was not there The snow had covered our late
footprints my new track was the only one to be seen and even that began to die
away it snowed so fast as I looked back over my shoulder
Chapter XLI
Doras Aunts
At last an answer came from the two old ladies They presented their
compliments to Mr Copperfield and informed him that they had given his letter
their best consideration »with a view to the happiness of both parties« which
I thought rather an alarming expression not only because of the use they had
made of it in relation to the family difference beforementioned but because I
had and have all my life observed that conventional phrases are a sort of
fireworks easily let off and liable to take a great variety of shapes and
colours not at all suggested by their original form The Misses Spenlow added
that they begged to forbear expressing »through the medium of correspondence«
an opinion on the subject of Mr Copperfields communication but that if Mr
Copperfield would do them the favour to call upon a certain day accompanied
if he thought proper by a confidential friend they would be happy to hold
some conversation on the subject
To this favour Mr Copperfield immediately replied with his respectful
compliments that he would have the honour of waiting on the Misses Spenlow at
the time appointed accompanied in accordance with their kind permission by
his friend Mr Thomas Traddles of the Inner Court Having dispatched which
missive Mr Copperfield fell into a condition of strong nervous agitation and
so remained until the day arrived
It was a great augmentation of my uneasiness to be bereaved at this
eventful crisis of the inestimable services of Miss Mills But Mr Mills who
was always doing something or other to annoy me or I felt as if he were which
was the same thing had brought his conduct to a climax by taking it into his
head that he would go to India Why should he go to India except to harass me
To be sure he had nothing to do with any other part of the world and had a good
deal to do with that part being entirely in the Indian trade whatever that was
I had floating dreams myself concerning golden shawls and elephants teeth
having been at Calcutta in his youth and designing now to go out there again
in the capacity of resident partner But this was nothing to me However it was
so much to him that for India he was bound and Julia with him and Julia went
into the country to take leave of her relations and the house was put into a
perfect suit of bills announcing that it was to be let or sold and that the
furniture Mangle and all was to be taken at a valuation So here was another
earthquake of which I became the sport before I had recovered from the shock of
its predecessor
I was in several minds how to dress myself on the important day being
divided between my desire to appear to advantage and my apprehensions of
putting on anything that might impair my severely practical character in the
eyes of the Misses Spenlow I endeavoured to hit a happy medium between these
two extremes my aunt approved the result and Mr Dick threw one of his shoes
after Traddles and me for luck as we went downstairs
Excellent fellow as I knew Traddles to be and warmly attached to him as I
was I could not help wishing on that delicate occasion that he had never
contracted the habit of brushing his hair so very upright It gave him a
surprised look not to say a hearthbroomy kind of expression which my
apprehensions whispered might be fatal to us
I took the liberty of mentioning it to Traddles as we were walking to
Putney and saying that if he would smooth it down a little
»My dear Copperfield« said Traddles lifting off his hat and rubbing his
hair all kinds of ways »nothing would give me greater pleasure But it wont«
»Wont be smoothed down« said I
»No« said Traddles »Nothing will induce it If I was to carry a
halfhundredweight upon it all the way to Putney it would be up again the
moment the weight was taken off You have no idea what obstinate hair mine is
Copperfield I am quite a fretful porcupine«
I was a little disappointed I must confess but thoroughly charmed by his
goodnature too I told him how I esteemed his goodnature and said that his
hair must have taken all the obstinacy out of his character for he had none
»Oh« returned Traddles laughing »I assure you its quite an old story
my unfortunate hair My uncles wife couldnt bear it She said it exasperated
her It stood very much in my way too when I first fell in love with Sophy
Very much«
»Did she object to it«
»She didnt« rejoined Traddles »but her eldest sister the one thats the
Beauty quite made game of it I understand In fact all the sisters laugh at
it«
»Agreeable« said I
»Yes« returned Traddles with perfect innocence »its a joke for us They
pretend that Sophy has a lock of it in her desk and is obliged to shut it in a
clasped book to keep it down We laugh about it«
»Bythebye my dear Traddles« said I »your experience may suggest
something to me When you became engaged to the young lady whom you have just
mentioned did you make a regular proposal to her family Was there anything
like what we are going through today for instance« I added nervously
»Why« replied Traddles on whose attentive face a thoughtful shade had
stolen »it was rather a painful transaction Copperfield in my case You see
Sophy being of so much use in the family none of them could endure the thought
of her ever being married Indeed they had quite settled among themselves that
she never was to be married and they called her the old maid Accordingly when
I mentioned it with the greatest precaution to Mrs Crewler «
»The mama« said I
»The mama« said Traddles »Reverend Horace Crewler when I mentioned it
with every possible precaution to Mrs Crewler the effect upon her was such
that she gave a scream and became insensible I couldnt approach the subject
again for months«
»You did at last« said I
»Well the Reverend Horace did« said Traddles »He is an excellent man
most exemplary in every way and he pointed out to her that she ought as a
Christian to reconcile herself to the sacrifice especially as it was so
uncertain and to bear no uncharitable feeling towards me As to myself
Copperfield I give you my word I felt a perfect bird of prey towards the
family«
»The sisters took your part I hope Traddles«
»Why I cant say they did« he returned »When we had comparatively
reconciled Mrs Crewler to it we had to break it to Sarah You recollect my
mentioning Sarah as the one that has something the matter with her spine«
»Perfectly«
»She clenched both her hands« said Traddles looking at me in dismay »shut
her eyes turned leadcolour became perfectly stiff and took nothing for two
days but toastandwater administered with a teaspoon«
»What a very unpleasant girl Traddles« I remarked
»Oh I beg your pardon Copperfield« said Traddles »She is a very charming
girl but she has a great deal of feeling In fact they all have Sophy told me
afterwards that the self-reproach she underwent while she was in attendance
upon Sarah no words could describe I know it must have been severe by my own
feelings Copperfield which were like a criminals After Sarah was restored
we still had to break it to the other eight and it produced various effects
upon them of a most pathetic nature The two little ones whom Sophy educates
have only just left off detesting me«
»At any rate they are all reconciled to it now I hope« said I
»Ye yes I should say they were on the whole resigned to it« said
Traddles doubtfully »The fact is we avoid mentioning the subject and my
unsettled prospects and indifferent circumstances are a great consolation to
them There will be a deplorable scene whenever we are married It will be much
more like a funeral than a wedding And theyll all hate me for taking her
away«
His honest face as he looked at me with a seriocomic shake of his head
impresses me more in the remembrance than it did in the reality for I was by
this time in a state of such excessive trepidation and wandering of mind as to
be quite unable to fix my attention on anything On our approaching the house
where the Misses Spenlow lived I was at such a discount in respect of my
personal looks and presence of mind that Traddles proposed a gentle stimulant
in the form of a glass of ale This having been administered at a neighbouring
publichouse he conducted me with tottering steps to the Misses Spenlows
door
I had a vague sensation of being as it were on view when the maid opened
it and of wavering somehow across a hall with a weatherglass in it into a
quiet little drawingroom on the groundfloor commanding a neat garden Also of
sitting down here on a sofa and seeing Traddless hair start up now his hat
was removed like one of those obtrusive little figures made of springs that
fly out of fictitious snuffboxes when the lid is taken off Also of hearing an
oldfashioned clock ticking away on the chimneypiece and trying to make it
keep time to the jerking of my heart which it wouldnt Also of looking round
the room for any sign of Dora and seeing none Also of thinking that Jip once
barked in the distance and was instantly choked by somebody Ultimately I found
myself backing Traddles into the fireplace and bowing in great confusion to two
dry little elderly ladies dressed in black and each looking wonderfully like a
preparation in chip or tan of the late Mr Spenlow
»Pray« said one of the two little ladies »be seated«
When I had done tumbling over Traddles and had sat upon something which was
not a cat my first seat was I so far recovered my sight as to perceive that
Mr Spenlow had evidently been the youngest of the family that there was a
disparity of six or eight years between the two sisters and that the younger
appeared to be the manager of the conference inasmuch as she had my letter in
her hand so familiar as it looked to me and yet so odd and was referring
to it through an eyeglass They were dressed alike but this sister wore her
dress with a more youthful air than the other and perhaps had a trifle more
frill or tucker or brooch or bracelet or some little thing of that kind
which made her look more lively They were both upright in their carriage
formal precise composed and quiet The sister who had not my letter had her
arms crossed on her breast and resting on each other like an Idol
»Mr Copperfield I believe« said the sister who had got my letter
addressing herself to Traddles
This was a frightful beginning Traddles had to indicate that I was Mr
Copperfield and I had to lay claim to myself and they had to divest themselves
of a preconceived opinion that Traddles was Mr Copperfield and altogether we
were in a nice condition To improve it we all distinctly heard Jip give two
short barks and receive another choke
»Mr Copperfield« said the sister with the letter
I did something bowed I suppose and was all attention when the other
sister struck in
»My sister Lavinia« said she »being conversant with matters of this
nature will state what we consider most calculated to promote the happiness of
both parties«
I discovered afterwards that Miss Lavinia was an authority in affairs of the
heart by reason of there having anciently existed a certain Mr Pidger who
played short whist and was supposed to have been enamoured of her My private
opinion is that this was entirely a gratuitous assumption and that Pidger was
altogether innocent of any such sentiments to which he had never given any
sort of expression that I could ever hear of Both Miss Lavinia and Miss
Clarissa had a superstition however that he would have declared his passion
if he had not been cut short in his youth at about sixty by overdrinking his
constitution and overdoing an attempt to set it right again by swilling Bath
water They had a lurking suspicion even that he died of secret love though I
must say there was a picture of him in the house with a damask nose which
concealment did not appear to have ever preyed upon
»We will not« said Miss Lavinia »enter on the past history of this matter
Our poor brother Franciss death has cancelled that«
»We had not« said Miss Clarissa »been in the habit of frequent association
with our brother Francis but there was no decided division or disunion between
us Francis took his road we took ours We considered it conducive to the
happiness of all parties that it should be so And it was so«
Each of the sisters leaned a little forward to speak shook her head after
speaking and became upright again when silent Miss Clarissa never moved her
arms She sometimes played tunes upon them with her fingers minuets and
marches I should think but never moved them
»Our nieces position or supposed position is much changed by our brother
Franciss death« said Miss Lavinia »and therefore we consider our brothers
opinions as regarded her position as being changed too We have no reason to
doubt Mr Copperfield that you are a young gentleman possessed of good
qualities and honourable character or that you have an affection or are fully
persuaded that you have an affection for our niece«
I replied as I usually did whenever I had a chance that nobody had ever
loved anybody else as I loved Dora Traddles came to my assistance with a
confirmatory murmur
Miss Lavinia was going on to make some rejoinder when Miss Clarissa who
appeared to be incessantly beset by a desire to refer to her brother Francis
struck in again
»If Doras mama« she said »when she married our brother Francis had at
once said that there was not room for the family at the dinnertable it would
have been better for the happiness of all parties«
»Sister Clarissa« said Miss Lavinia »Perhaps we neednt mind that now«
»Sister Lavinia« said Miss Clarissa »it belongs to the subject With your
branch of the subject on which alone you are competent to speak I should not
think of interfering On this branch of the subject I have a voice and an
opinion It would have been better for the happiness of all parties if Doras
mama when she married our brother Francis had mentioned plainly what her
intentions were We should then have known what we had to expect We should have
said pray do not invite us at any time and all possibility of misunderstanding
would have been avoided«
When Miss Clarissa had shaken her head Miss Lavinia resumed again
referring to my letter through her eyeglass They both had little bright round
twinkling eyes by the way which were like birds eyes They were not unlike
birds altogether having a sharp brisk sudden manner and a little short
spruce way of adjusting themselves like canaries
Miss Lavinia as I have said resumed
»You ask permission of my sister Clarissa and myself Mr Copperfield to
visit here as the accepted suitor of our niece«
»If our brother Francis« said Miss Clarissa breaking out again if I may
call anything so calm a breaking out »wished to surround himself with an
atmosphere of Doctors Commons and of Doctors Commons only what right or
desire had we to object None I am sure We have ever been far from wishing to
obtrude ourselves on any one But why not say so Let our brother Francis and
his wife have their society Let my sister Lavinia and myself have our society
We can find it for ourselves I hope«
As this appeared to be addressed to Traddles and me both Traddles and I
made some sort of reply Traddles was inaudible I think I observed myself
that it was highly creditable to all concerned I dont in the least know what I
meant
»Sister Lavinia« said Miss Clarissa having now relieved her mind »you can
go on my dear«
Miss Lavinia proceeded
»Mr Copperfield my sister Clarissa and I have been very careful indeed in
considering this letter and we have not considered it without finally showing
it to our niece and discussing it with our niece We have no doubt that you
think you like her very much«
»Think maam« I rapturously began »oh «
But Miss Clarissa giving me a look just like a sharp canary as requesting
that I would not interrupt the oracle I begged pardon
»Affection« said Miss Lavinia glancing at her sister for corroboration
which she gave in the form of a little nod to every clause »mature affection
homage devotion does not easily express itself Its voice is low It is modest
and retiring it lies in ambush waits and waits Such is the mature fruit
Sometimes a life glides away and finds it still ripening in the shade«
Of course I did not understand then that this was an allusion to her
supposed experience of the stricken Pidger but I saw from the gravity with
which Miss Clarissa nodded her head that great weight was attached to these
words
»The light for I call them in comparison with such sentiments the light
inclinations of very young people« pursued Miss Lavinia »are dust compared
to rocks It is owing to the difficulty of knowing whether they are likely to
endure or have any real foundation that my sister Clarissa and myself have been
very undecided how to act Mr Copperfield and Mr «
»Traddles« said my friend finding himself looked at
»I beg pardon Of the Inner Temple I believe« said Miss Clarissa again
glancing at my letter
Traddles said »Exactly so« and became pretty red in the face
Now although I had not received any express encouragement as yet I fancied
that I saw in the two little sisters and particularly in Miss Lavinia an
intensified enjoyment of this new and fruitful subject of domestic interest a
settling down to make the most of it a disposition to pet it in which there
was a good bright ray of hope I thought I perceived that Miss Lavinia would
have uncommon satisfaction in superintending two young lovers like Dora and me
and that Miss Clarissa would have hardly less satisfaction in seeing her
superintend us and in chiming in with her own particular department of the
subject whenever that impulse was strong upon her This gave me courage to
protest most vehemently that I loved Dora better than I could tell or any one
believe that all my friends knew how I loved her that my aunt Agnes
Traddles every one who knew me knew how I loved her and how earnest my love
had made me For the truth of this I appealed to Traddles And Traddles firing
up as if he were plunging into a Parliamentary Debate really did come out
nobly confirming me in good round terms and in a plain sensible practical
manner that evidently made a favourable impression
»I speak if I may presume to say so as one who has some little experience
of such things« said Traddles »being myself engaged to a young lady one of
ten down in Devonshire and seeing no probability at present of our
engagement coming to a termination«
»You may be able to confirm what I have said Mr Traddles« observed Miss
Lavinia evidently taking a new interest in him »of the affection that is
modest and retiring that waits and waits«
»Entirely maam« said Traddles
Miss Clarissa looked at Miss Lavinia and shook her head gravely Miss
Lavinia looked consciously at Miss Clarissa and heaved a little sigh
»Sister Lavinia« said Miss Clarissa »take my smellingbottle«
Miss Lavinia revived herself with a few whiffs of aromatic vinegar
Traddles and I looking on with great solicitude the while and then went on to
say rather faintly
»My sister and myself have been in great doubt Mr Traddles what course we
ought to take in reference to the likings or imaginary likings of such very
young people as your friend Mr Copperfield and our niece«
»Our brother Franciss child« remarked Miss Clarissa »If our brother
Franciss wife had found it convenient in her lifetime though she had an
unquestionable right to act as she thought best to invite the family to her
dinnertable we might have known our brother Franciss child better at the
present moment Sister Lavinia proceed«
Miss Lavinia turned my letter so as to bring the superscription towards
herself and referred through her eyeglass to some orderlylooking notes she
had made on that part of it
»It seems to us« said she »prudent Mr Traddles to bring these feelings
to the test of our own observation At present we know nothing of them and are
not in a situation to judge how much reality there may be in them Therefore we
are inclined so far to accede to Mr Copperfields proposal as to admit his
visits here«
»I shall never dear ladies« I exclaimed relieved of an immense load of
apprehension »forget your kindness«
»But« pursued Miss Lavinia »but we would prefer to regard those visits
Mr Traddles as made at present to us We must guard ourselves from
recognising any positive engagement between Mr Copperfield and our niece until
we have had an opportunity «
»Until you have had an opportunity sister Lavinia« said Miss Clarissa
»Be it so« assented Miss Lavinia with a sigh »until I have had an
opportunity of observing them«
»Copperfield« said Traddles turning to me »you feel I am sure that
nothing could be more reasonable or considerate«
»Nothing« cried I »I am deeply sensible of it«
»In this position of affairs« said Miss Lavinia again referring to her
notes »and admitting his visits on this understanding only we must require
from Mr Copperfield a distinct assurance on his word of honour that no
communication of any kind shall take place between him and our niece without our
knowledge. That no project whatever shall be entertained with regard to our
niece without being first submitted to us «
»To you sister Lavinia« Miss Clarissa interposed
»Be it so Clarissa« assented Miss Lavinia resignedly »to me and
receiving our concurrence We must make this a most express and serious
stipulation not to be broken on any account We wished Mr Copperfield to be
accompanied by some confidential friend today« with an inclination of her head
towards Traddles who bowed »in order that there might be no doubt or
misconception on this subject If Mr Copperfield or if you Mr Traddles feel
the least scruple in giving this promise I beg you to take time to consider
it«
I exclaimed in a state of high ecstatic fervour that not a moments
consideration could be necessary I bound myself by the required promise in a
most impassioned manner called upon Traddles to witness it and denounced
myself as the most atrocious of characters if I ever swerved from it in the
least degree
»Stay« said Miss Lavinia holding up her hand »we resolved before we had
the pleasure of receiving you two gentlemen to leave you alone for a quarter of
an hour to consider this point You will allow us to retire«
It was in vain for me to say that no consideration was necessary They
persisted in withdrawing for the specified time Accordingly these little birds
hopped out with great dignity leaving me to receive the congratulations of
Traddles and to feel as if I were translated to regions of exquisite happiness
Exactly at the expiration of the quarter of an hour they reappeared with no
less dignity than they had disappeared They had gone rustling away as if their
little dresses were made of autumnleaves and they came rustling back in like
manner
I then bound myself once more to the prescribed conditions
»Sister Clarissa« said Miss Lavinia »the rest is with you«
Miss Clarissa unfolding her arms for the first time took the notes and
glanced at them
»We shall be happy« said Miss Clarissa »to see Mr Copperfield to dinner
every Sunday if it should suit his convenience Our hour is three«
I bowed
»In the course of the week« said Miss Clarissa »we shall be happy to see
Mr Copperfield to tea Our hour is halfpast six«
I bowed again
»Twice in the week« said Miss Clarissa »but as a rule not oftener«
I bowed again
»Miss Trotwood« said Miss Clarissa »mentioned in Mr Copperfields letter
will perhaps call upon us When visiting is better for the happiness of all
parties we are glad to receive visits and return them When it is better for
the happiness of all parties that no visiting should take place as in the case
of our brother Francis and his establishment that is quite different«
I intimated that my aunt would be proud and delighted to make their
acquaintance though I must say I was not quite sure of their getting on very
satisfactorily together The conditions being now closed I expressed my
acknowledgments in the warmest manner and taking the hand first of Miss
Clarissa and then of Miss Lavinia pressed it in each case to my lips
Miss Lavinia then arose and begging Mr Traddles to excuse us for a minute
requested me to follow her I obeyed all in a tremble and was conducted into
another room There I found my blessed darling stopping her ears behind the
door with her dear little face against the wall and Jip in the platewarmer
with his head tied up in a towel
Oh How beautiful she was in her black frock and how she sobbed and cried
at first and wouldnt come out from behind the door How fond we were of one
another, when she did come out at last and what a state of bliss I was in when
we took Jip out of the platewarmer and restored him to the light sneezing
very much and were all three reunited
»My dearest Dora Now indeed my own for ever«
»Oh DONT« pleaded Dora »Please«
»Are you not my own for ever Dora«
»Oh yes of course I am« cried Dora »but I am so frightened«
»Frightened my own«
»Oh yes I dont like him« said Dora »Why dont he go«
»Who my life«
»Your friend« said Dora »It isnt any business of his What a stupid he
must be«
»My love« There never was anything so coaxing as her childish ways »He
is the best creature«
»Oh but we dont want any best creatures« pouted Dora
»My dear« I argued »you will soon know him well and like him of all
things And here is my aunt coming soon and youll like her of all things too
when you know her«
»No please dont bring her« said Dora giving me a horrified little kiss
and folding her hands »Dont I know shes a naughty mischiefmaking old
thing Dont let her come here Doady« which was a corruption of David
Remonstrance was of no use then so I laughed and admired and was very
much in love and very happy and she showed me Jips new trick of standing on
his hind legs in a corner which he did for about the space of a flash of
lightning and then fell down and I dont know how long I should have stayed
there oblivious of Traddles if Miss Lavinia had not come in to take me away
Miss Lavinia was very fond of Dora she told me Dora was exactly like what she
had been herself at her age she must have altered a good deal and she
treated Dora just as if she had been a toy I wanted to persuade Dora to come
and see Traddles but on my proposing it she ran off to her own room and locked
herself in so I went to Traddles without her and walked away with him on air
»Nothing could be more satisfactory« said Traddles »and they are very
agreeable old ladies I am sure I shouldnt be at all surprised if you were to
be married years before me Copperfield«
»Does your Sophy play on any instrument Traddles« I inquired in the pride
of my heart
»She knows enough of the piano to teach it to her little sisters« said
Traddles
»Does she sing at all« I asked
»Why she sings ballads sometimes to freshen up the others a little when
theyre out of spirits« said Traddles »Nothing scientific«
»She doesnt sing to the guitar« said I
»Oh dear no« said Traddles
»Paint at all«
»Not at all« said Traddles
I promised Traddles that he should hear Dora sing and see some of her
flowerpainting He said he should like it very much and we went home arm in
arm in great good humour and delight I encouraged him to talk about Sophy on
the way which he did with a loving reliance on her that I very much admired I
compared her in my mind with Dora with considerable inward satisfaction but I
candidly admitted to myself that she seemed to be an excellent kind of girl for
Traddles too
Of course my aunt was immediately made acquainted with the successful issue
of the conference and with all that had been said and done in the course of it
She was happy to see me so happy and promised to call on Doras aunts without
loss of time But she took such a long walk up and down our rooms that night
while I was writing to Agnes that I began to think she meant to walk till
morning
My letter to Agnes was a fervent and grateful one narrating all the good
effects that had resulted from my following her advice She wrote by return of
post to me Her letter was hopeful earnest and cheerful She was always
cheerful from that time
I had my hands more full than ever now My daily journeys to Highgate
considered Putney was a long way off and I naturally wanted to go there as
often as I could The proposed teadrinkings being quite impracticable I
compounded with Miss Lavinia for permission to visit every Saturday afternoon
without detriment to my privileged Sundays So the close of every week was a
delicious time for me and I got through the rest of the week by looking forward
to it
I was wonderfully relieved to find that my aunt and Doras aunts rubbed on
all things considered much more smoothly than I could have expected My aunt
made her promised visit within a few days of the conference and within a few
more days Doras aunts called upon her in due state and form Similar but more
friendly exchanges took place afterwards usually at intervals of three or four
weeks I know that my aunt distressed Doras aunts very much by utterly setting
at naught the dignity of flyconveyance and walking out to Putney at
extraordinary times as shortly after breakfast or just before tea likewise by
wearing her bonnet in any manner that happened to be comfortable to her head
without at all deferring to the prejudices of civilisation on that subject But
Doras aunts soon agreed to regard my aunt as an eccentric and somewhat
masculine lady with a strong understanding and although my aunt occasionally
ruffled the feathers of Doras aunts by expressing heretical opinions on
various points of ceremony she loved me too well not to sacrifice some of her
little peculiarities to the general harmony
The only member of our small society who positively refused to adapt
himself to circumstances was Jip He never saw my aunt without immediately
displaying every tooth in his head retiring under a chair and growling
incessantly with now and then a doleful howl as if she really were too much
for his feelings All kinds of treatment were tried with him coaxing
scolding slapping bringing him to Buckingham Street where he instantly dashed
at the two cats to the terror of all beholders but he never could prevail
upon himself to bear my aunts society He would sometimes think he had got the
better of his objection and be amiable for a few minutes and then would put up
his snub nose and howl to that extent that there was nothing for it but to
blind him and put him in the platewarmer At length Dora regularly muffled him
in a towel and shut him up there whenever my aunt was reported at the door
One thing troubled me much after we had fallen into this quiet train It
was that Dora seemed by one consent to be regarded like a pretty toy or
plaything My aunt with whom she gradually became familiar always called her
Little Blossom and the pleasure of Miss Lavinias life was to wait upon her
curl her hair make ornaments for her and treat her like a pet child What Miss
Lavinia did her sister did as a matter of course It was very odd to me but
they all seemed to treat Dora in her degree much as Dora treated Jip in his
I made up my mind to speak to Dora about this and on day when we were out
walking for we were licensed by Miss Lavinia after a while to go out walking
by ourselves I said to her that I wished she could get them to behave towards
her differently
»Because you know my darling« I remonstrated »you are not a child«
»There« said Dora »Now youre going to be cross«
»Cross my love«
»I am sure theyre very kind to me« said Dora »and I am very happy«
»Well But my dearest life« said I »you might be very happy and yet be
treated rationally«
Dora gave me a reproachful look the prettiest look and then began to
sob saying if I didnt like her why had I ever wanted so much to be engaged
to her And why didnt I go away now if I couldnt bear her
What could I do but kiss away her tears and tell her how I doted on her
after that
»I am sure I am very affectionate« said Dora »you oughtnt to be cruel to
me Doady«
»Cruel my precious love As if I would or could be cruel to you for
the world«
»Then dont find fault with me« said Dora making a rosebud of her mouth
»and Ill be good«
I was charmed by her presently asking me of her own accord to give her
that cookerybook I had once spoken of and to show her how to keep accounts as
I had once promised I would I brought the volume with me on my next visit I
got it prettily bound first to make it look less dry and more inviting and
as we strolled about the Common I showed her an old housekeepingbook of my
aunts and gave her a set of tablets and a pretty little pencilcase and box
of leads to practise housekeeping with
But the cookerybook made Doras head ache and the figures made her cry
They wouldnt add up she said So she rubbed them out and drew little
nosegays and likenesses of me and Jip all over the tablets
Then I playfully tried verbal instruction in domestic matters as we walked
about on a Saturday afternoon Sometimes for example, when we passed a
butchers shop I would say
»Now suppose my pet that we were married and you were going to buy a
shoulder of mutton for dinner would you know how to buy it«
My pretty little Doras face would fall and she would make her mouth into a
bud again as if she would very much prefer to shut mine with a kiss
»Would you know how to buy it my darling« I would repeat perhaps if I
were very inflexible
Dora would think a little and then reply perhaps with great triumph
»Why the butcher would know how to sell it and what need I know Oh you
silly Boy«
So when I once asked Dora with an eye to the cookerybook what she would
do if we were married and I were to say I should like a nice Irish stew she
replied that she would tell the servant to make it and then clapped her little
hands together across my arm and laughed in such a charming manner that she was
more delightful than ever
Consequently, the principal use to which the cookerybook was devoted was
being put down in the corner for Jip to stand upon But Dora was so pleased
when she had trained him to stand upon it without offering to come off and at
the same time to hold the pencilcase in his mouth that I was very glad I had
bought it
And we fell back on the guitarcase and the flowerpainting and the songs
about never leaving off dancing Ta ra la and were as happy as the week was
long I occasionally wished I could venture to hint to Miss Lavinia that she
treated the darling of my heart a little too much like a plaything and I
sometimes awoke as it were wondering to find that I had fallen into the
general fault and treated her like a plaything too but not often
Chapter XLII
Mischief
I feel as if it were not for me to record even though this manuscript is
intended for no eyes but mine how hard I worked at that tremendous shorthand
and all improvement appertaining to it in my sense of responsibility to Dora
and her aunts I will only add to what I have already written of my
perseverance at this time of my life and of a patient and continuous energy
which then began to be matured within me and which I know to be the strong part
of my character if it have any strength at all that there on looking back I
find the source of my success I have been very fortunate in worldly matters
many men have worked much harder and not succeeded half so well but I never
could have done what I have done without the habits of punctuality order and
diligence without the determination to concentrate myself on one object at a
time no matter how quickly its successor should come upon its heels which I
then formed Heaven knows I write this in no spirit of self-laudation The man
who reviews his own life as I do mine in going on here from page to page had
need to have been a good man indeed if he would be spared the sharp
consciousness of many talents neglected many opportunities wasted many erratic
and perverted feelings constantly at war within his breast and defeating him I
do not hold one natural gift I dare say that I have not abused My meaning
simply is that whatever I have tried to do in life I have tried with all my
heart to do well that whatever I have devoted myself to I have devoted myself
to completely that in great aims and in small I have always been thoroughly in
earnest I have never believed it possible that any natural or improved ability
can claim immunity from the companionship of the steady plain hardworking
qualities and hope to gain its end There is no such thing as such fulfilment
on this earth Some happy talent and some fortunate opportunity may form the
two sides of the ladder on which some men mount but the rounds of that ladder
must be made of stuff to stand wear and tear and there is no substitute for
thoroughgoing ardent and sincere earnestness Never to put one hand to
anything on which I could throw my whole self and never to affect depreciation
of my work whatever it was I find now to have been my golden rules
How much of the practice I have just reduced to precept I owe to Agnes I
will not repeat here My narrative proceeds to Agnes with a thankful love
She came on a visit of a fortnight to the Doctors Mr Wickfield was the
Doctors old friend and the Doctor wished to talk with him and do him good It
had been matter of conversation with Agnes when she was last in town and this
visit was the result She and her father came together I was not much surprised
to hear from her that she had engaged to find a lodging in the neighbourhood for
Mrs Heep whose rheumatic complaint required change of air and who would be
charmed to have it in such company Neither was I surprised when on the very
next day Uriah like a dutiful son brought his worthy mother to take
possession
»You see Master Copperfield« said he as he forced himself upon my company
for a turn in the Doctors garden »where a person loves a person is a little
jealous leastways anxious to keep an eye on the beloved one«
»Of whom are you jealous now« said I
»Thanks to you Master Copperfield« he returned »of no one in particular
just at present no male person at least«
»Do you mean that you are jealous of a female person«
He gave me a sidelong glance out of his sinister red eyes and laughed
»Really Master Copperfield« he said » I should say Mister but I know
youll excuse the abit Ive got into youre so insinuating that you draw me
like a corkscrew Well I dont mind telling you« putting his fishlike hand on
mine »Im not a ladys man in general sir and I never was with Mrs Strong«
His eyes looked green now as they watched mine with a rascally cunning
»What do you mean« said I
»Why though I am a lawyer Master Copperfield« he replied with a dry
grin »I mean just at present what I say«
»And what do you mean by your look« I retorted quietly
»By my look Dear me Copperfield thats sharp practice What do I mean by
my look«
»Yes« said I »By your look«
He seemed very much amused and laughed as heartily as it was in his nature
to laugh After some scraping of his chin with his hand he went on to say with
his eyes cast downward still scraping very slowly
»When I was but a numble clerk she always looked down upon me She was for
ever having my Agnes backwards and forwards at her ouse and she was for ever
being a friend to you Master Copperfield but I was too far beneath her
myself to be noticed«
»Well« said I »suppose you were«
» And beneath him too« pursued Uriah very distinctly and in a meditative
tone of voice as he continued to scrape his chin
»Dont you know the Doctor better« said I »than to suppose him conscious
of your existence when you were not before him«
He directed his eyes at me in that sidelong glance again and he made his
face very lanternjawed for the greater convenience of scraping as he
answered
»Oh dear I am not referring to the Doctor Oh no poor man I mean Mr
Maldon«
My heart quite died within me All my old doubts am apprehensions on that
subject all the Doctors happiness and peace all the mingled possibilities of
innocence and compromise that I could not unravel I saw in a moment at the
mercy of this fellows twisting
»He never could come into the office without ordering and shoving me
about« said Uriah »One of your fine gentlemen he was I was very meek and
umble and I am But I didnt like that sort of thing and I dont«
He left off scraping his chin and sucked in his cheeks until they seemed to
meet inside keeping his sidelong glance upon me all the while
»She is one of your lovely women she is« he pursued when he had slowly
restored his face to its natural form »and ready to be no friend to such as me
I know Shes just the person as would put my Agnes up to higher sort of game
Now I aint one of your ladys men Master Copperfield but Ive had eyes in my
ed a pretty long time back We umble ones have got eyes mostly speaking and
we look out of em«
I endeavoured to appear unconscious and not disquieted but I saw in his
face with poor success
»Now Im not a going to let myself be run down Copperfield« he continued
raising that part of his countenance where his red eyebrows would have been if
he had had any with malignant triumph »and I shall do what I can to put a stop
to this friendship I dont approve of it I dont mind acknowledging to you
that Ive got rather a grudging disposition and want to keep off all intruders
I aint a going if I know it to run the risk of being plotted against«
»You are always plotting and delude yourself into the belief that everybody
else is doing the like I think« said I
»Perhaps so Master Copperfield« he replied »But Ive got a motive as my
fellowpartner used to say and I go at it tooth and nail I mustnt be put
upon as a numble person too much I cant allow people in my way Really they
must come out of the cart Master Copperfield«
»I dont understand you« said I
»Dont you though« he returned with one of his jerks »Im astonished at
that Master Copperfield you being usually so quick Ill try to be plainer
another time Is that Mr Maldon anorseback ringing at the gate sir«
»It looks like him« I replied as carelessly as I could
Uriah stopped short put his hands between his great knobs of knees and
doubled himself up with laughter With perfectly silent laughter Not a sound
escaped from him I was so repelled by his odious behaviour particularly by
this concluding instance that I turned away without any ceremony and left him
doubled up in the middle of the garden like a scarecrow in want of support
It was not on that evening but as I well remember on the next evening but
one which was a Saturday that I took Agues to see Dora I had arranged the
visit beforehand with Miss Lavinia and Agnes was expected to tea
I was in a flutter of pride and anxiety pride in my dear little betrothed
and anxiety that Agnes should like her All the way to Putney Agnes being
inside the stagecoach and I outside I pictured Dora to myself in every one of
the pretty looks I knew so well now making up my mind that I should like her to
look exactly as she looked at such a time and then doubting whether I should
not prefer her looking as she looked at such another time and almost worrying
myself into a fever about it
I was troubled by no doubt of her being very pretty in any case but it
fell out that I had never seen her look so well She was not in the drawingroom
when I presented Agnes to her little aunts but was shyly keeping out of the
way I knew where to look for her now and sure enough I found her stopping her
ears again behind the same dull old door
At first she wouldnt come at all and then she pleaded for five minutes by
my watch When at length she put her arm through mine to be taken to the
drawingroom her charming little face was flushed and had never been so
pretty But when we went into the room and it turned pale she was ten
thousand times prettier yet
Dora was afraid of Agnes She had told me that she knew Agnes was too
clever But when she saw her looking at once so cheerful and so earnest and so
thoughtful and so good she gave a faint little cry of pleased surprise and
just put her affectionate arms round Agness neck and laid her innocent cheek
against her face
I never was so happy I never was so pleased as when I saw those two sit
down together side by side As when I saw my little darling looking up so
naturally to those cordial eyes As when I saw the tender beautiful regard
which Agnes cast upon her
Miss Lavinia and Miss Clarissa partook in their way of my joy It was the
pleasantest teatable in the world Miss Clarissa presided I cut and handed the
sweet seedcake the little sisters had a birdlike fondness for picking up
seeds and pecking at sugar Miss Lavinia looked on with benignant patronage as
if our happy love were all her work and we were perfectly contented with
ourselves and one another.
The gentle cheerfulness of Agnes went to all their hearts Her quiet
interest in everything that interested Dora her manner of making acquaintance
with Jip who responded instantly her pleasant way when Dora was ashamed to
come over to her usual seat by me her modest grace and ease eliciting a crowd
of blushing little marks of confidence from Dora seemed to make our circle
quite complete
»I am so glad« said Dora after tea »that you like me I didnt think you
would and I want more than ever to be liked now Julia Mills is gone«
I have omitted to mention it bythebye Miss Mills had sailed and Dora
and I had gone aboard a great East Indiaman at Gravesend to see her and we had
had preserved ginger and guava and other delicacies of that sort for lunch
and we had left Miss Mills weeping on a campstool on the quarterdeck with a
large new diary under her arm in which the original reflections awakened by the
contemplation of Ocean were to be recorded under lock and key
Agnes said she was afraid I must have given her an unpromising character
but Dora corrected that directly
»Oh no« she said shaking her curls at me »it was all praise He thinks so
much of your opinion that I was quite afraid of it«
»My good opinion cannot strengthen his attachment to some people whom he
knows« said Agnes with a smile »it is not worth their having«
»But please let me have it« said Dora in her coaxing way »if you can«
We made merry about Doras wanting to be liked and Dora said I was a goose
and she didnt like me at any rate and the short evening flew away on
gossamerwings The time was at hand when the coach was to call for us I was
standing alone before the fire when Dora came stealing softly in to give me
that usual precious little kiss before I went
»Dont you think if I had had her for a friend a long time ago Doady«
said Dora her bright eyes shining very brightly and her little right hand idly
busying itself with one of the buttons of my coat »I might have been more
clever perhaps«
»My love« said I »what nonsense«
»Do you think it is nonsense« returned Dora without looking at me »Are
you sure it is«
»Of course I am«
»I have forgotten« said Dora still turning the button round and round
»what relation Agnes is to you you dear bad boy«
»No bloodrelation« I replied »but we were brought up together like
brother and sister«
»I wonder why you ever fell in love with me« said Dora beginning on
another button of my coat
»Perhaps because I couldnt see you and not love you Dora«
»Suppose you had never seen me at all« said Dora going to another button
»Suppose we had never been born« said I gaily
I wondered what she was thinking about as I glanced in admiring silence at
the little soft hand travelling up the row of buttons on my coat and at the
clustering hair that lay against my breast and at the lashes of her downcast
eyes slightly rising as they followed her idle fingers At length her eyes were
lifted up to mine and she stood on tiptoe to give me more thoughtfully than
usual that precious little kiss once twice three times and went out of
the room
They all came back together within five minutes afterwards and Doras
unusual thoughtfulness was quite gone then She was laughingly resolved to put
Jip through the whole of his performances before the coach came They took some
time not so much on account of their variety as Jips reluctance and were
still unfinished when it was heard at the door There was a hurried but
affectionate parting between Agnes and herself and Dora was to write to Agnes
who was not to mind her letters being foolish she said and Agnes was to
write to Dora and they had a second parting at the coachdoor and a third when
Dora in spite of the remonstrances of Miss Lavinia would come running out once
more to remind Agnes at the coachwindow about writing and to shake her curls
at me on the box
The stagecoach was to put us down near Covent Garden where we were to take
another stagecoach for Highgate I was impatient for the short walk in the
interval that Agnes might praise Dora to me Ah what praise it was How
lovingly and fervently did it commend the pretty creature I had won with all
her artless graces best displayed to my most gentle care How thoughtfully
remind me yet with no pretence of doing so of the trust in which I held the
orphan child
Never never had I loved Dora so deeply and truly as I loved her that
night When we had again alighted and were walking in the starlight along the
quiet road that led to the Doctors house I told Agnes it was her doing
»When you were sitting by her« said I »you seemed to be no less her
guardian angel than mine and you seem so now Agnes«
»A poor angel« she returned »but faithful«
The clear tone of her voice going straight to my heart made it natural to
me to say
»The cheerfulness that belongs to you Agnes and to no one else that ever I
have seen is so restored I have observed today that I have begun to hope
you are happier at home«
»I am happier in myself« she said »I am quite cheerful and lighthearted«
I glanced at the serene face looking upward and thought it was the stars
that made it seem so noble
»There has been no change at home« said Agnes after a few moments
»No fresh reference« said I »to I wouldnt distress you Agnes but I
cannot help asking to what we spoke of when we parted last«
»No none« she answered
»I have thought so much about it«
»You must think less about it Remember that I confide in simple love and
truth at last Have no apprehensions for me Trotwood« she added after a
moment »the step you dread my taking I shall never take«
Although I think I had never really feared it in any season of cool
reflection it was an unspeakable relief to me to have this assurance from her
own truthful lips I told her so earnestly
»And when this visit is over« said I »for we may not be alone another
time how long is it likely to be my dear Agnes before you come to London
again«
»Probably a long time« she replied »I think it will be best for papas
sake to remain at home We are not likely to meet often for some time to
come but I shall be a good correspondent of Doras and we shall frequently
hear of one another that way«
We were now within the little courtyard of the Doctors cottage It was
growing late There was a light in the window of Mrs Strongs chamber and
Agnes pointing to it bade me goodnight
»Do not be troubled« she said giving me her hand »by our misfortunes and
anxieties I can be happier in nothing than in your happiness If you can ever
give me help rely upon it I will ask you for it God bless you always«
In her beaming smile and in these last tones of her cheerful voice I
seemed again to see and hear my little Dora in her company I stood awhile
looking through the porch at the stars with a heart full of love and gratitude
and then walked slowly forth I had engaged a bed at a decent alehouse close by
and was going out at the gate when happening to turn my head I saw a light in
the Doctors study A halfreproachful fancy came into my mind that he had been
working at the Dictionary without my help With the view of seeing if this were
so and in any case of bidding him goodnight if he were yet sitting among
his books I turned back and going softly across the hall and gently opening
the door looked in
The first person whom I saw to my surprise by the sober light of the
shaded lamp was Uriah He was standing close beside it with one of his
skeleton hands over his mouth and the other resting on the Doctors table The
Doctor sat in his study chair covering his face with his hands Mr Wickfield
sorely troubled and distressed was leaning forward irresolutely touching the
Doctors arm
For an instant I supposed that the Doctor was ill I hastily advanced a
step under that impression when I met Uriahs eye and saw what was the matter
I would have withdrawn but the Doctor made a gesture to detain me and I
remained
»At any rate« observed Uriah with a writhe of his ungainly person »we may
keep the door shut We neednt make it known to ALL the town«
Saying which he went on his toes to the door which I had left open and
carefully closed it He then came back and took up his former position There
was an obtrusive show of compassionate zeal in his voice and manner more
intolerable at least to me than any demeanour he could have assumed
»I have felt it incumbent upon me Master Copperfield« said Uriah »to
point out to Doctor Strong what you and me have already talked about You didnt
exactly understand me though«
I gave him a look but no other answer and going to my good old master
said a few words that I meant to be words of comfort and encouragement He put
his hand upon my shoulder as it had been his custom to do when I was quite a
little fellow but did not lift his grey head
»As you didnt understand me Master Copperfield« resumed Uriah in the same
officious manner »I may take the liberty of umbly mentioning being among
friends that I have called Doctor Strongs attention to the goingson of Mrs
Strong Its much against the grain with me I assure you Copperfield to be
concerned in anything so unpleasant but really as it is were all mixing
ourselves up with what oughtnt to be That was what my meaning was sir when
you didnt understand me«
I wonder now when I recall his leer that I did not collar him and try to
shake the breath out of his body
»I dare say I didnt make myself very clear« he went on »nor you neither
Naturally we was both of us inclined to give such a subject a wide berth
Howsever at last I have made up my mind to speak plain and I have mentioned
to Doctor Strong that did you speak sir«
This was to the Doctor who had moaned The sound might have touched any
heart I thought but it had no effect upon Uriahs
» mentioned to Doctor Strong« he proceeded »that any one may see that Mr
Maldon and the lovely and agreeable lady as is Doctor Strongs wife are too
sweet on one another. Really the time is come we being at present all mixing
our selves up with what oughtnt to be when Doctor Strong must be told that
this was full as plain to everybody as the sun before Mr Maldon went to India
that Mr Maldon made excuses to come back for nothing else and that hes
always here for nothing else When you come in sir I was just putting it to
my fellowpartner« towards whom he turned »to say to Doctor Strong upon his
word and honour whether hed ever been of this opinion long ago or not Come
Mr Wickfield sir Would you be so good as tell us Yes or no sir Come
partner«
»For Gods sake my dear Doctor« said Mr Wickfield again laying his
irresolute hand upon the Doctors arm »dont attach too much weight to any
suspicions I may have entertained«
»There« cried Uriah shaking his head »What a melancholy confirmation
aint it Him Such an old friend Bless your soul when I was nothing but a
clerk in his office Copperfield Ive seen him twenty times if Ive seen him
once quite in a taking about it quite put out you know and very proper in
him as a father Im sure I cant blame him to think that Miss Agnes was
mixing herself up with what oughtnt to be«
»My dear Strong« said Mr Wickfield in a tremulous voice »my good friend
I neednt tell you that it has been my vice to look for some one master motive
in everybody and to try all actions by one narrow test I may have fallen into
such doubts as I have had through this mistake«
»You have had doubts Wickfield« said the Doctor without lifting up his
head »You have had doubts«
»Speak up fellowpartner« urged Uriah
»I had at one time certainly« said Mr Wickfield »I God forgive me I
thought you had«
»No no no« returned the Doctor in a tone of most pathetic grief
»I thought at one time« said Mr Wickfield »that you wished to send
Maldon abroad to effect a desirable separation«
»No no no« returned the Doctor »To give Annie pleasure by making some
provision for the companion of her childhood Nothing else«
»So I found« said Mr Wickfield »I couldnt doubt it when you told me so
But I thought I implore you to remember the narrow construction which has been
my besetting sin that in a case where there was so much disparity in point of
years «
»Thats the way to put it you see Master Copperfield« observed Uriah
with fawning and offensive pity
» a lady of such youth and such attractions however real her respect for
you might have been influenced in marrying by worldly considerations only I
made no allowance for innumerable feelings and circumstances that may have all
tended to good For Heavens sake remember that«
»How kind he puts it« said Uriah shaking his head
»Always observing her from one point of view« said Mr Wickfield »but by
all that is dear to you my old friend I entreat you to consider what it was I
am forced to confess now having no escape «
»No Theres no way out of it Mr Wickfield sir« observed Uriah »when
its got to this«
» that I did« said Mr Wickfield glancing helplessly and distractedly at
his partner »that I did doubt her and think her wanting in her duty to you
and that I did sometimes if I must say all feel averse to Agnes being in such
a familiar relation towards her as to see what I saw or in my diseased theory
fancied that I saw I never mentioned this to any one I never meant it to be
known to any one And though it is terrible to you to hear« said Mr Wickfield
quite subdued »if you knew how terrible it is for me to tell you would feel
compassion for me«
The Doctor in the perfect goodness of his nature put out his hand Mr
Wickfield held it for a little while in his with his head bowed down
»I am sure« said Uriah writhing himself into the silence like a
Congereel »that this is a subject full of unpleasantness to everybody But
since we have got so far I ought to take the liberty of mentioning that
Copperfield has notice it too«
I turned upon him and asked him how he dared refer to me
»Oh its very kind of you Copperfield« returned Uriah undulating all
over »and we all know what an amiable character yours is but you know that the
moment I spoke to you the other night you knew what I meant You know you knew
what I meant Copperfield Dont deny it You deny it with the best intentions
but dont do it Copperfield«
I saw the mild eye of the good old Doctor turned upon me for a moment and I
felt that the confession of my old misgivings and remembrances was too plainly
written in my face to be overlooked It was of no use raging I could not undo
that Say what I would I could not unsay it
We were silent again and remained so until the Doctor rose and walked
twice or thrice across the room Presently he returned to where his chair stood
and leaning on the back of it and occasionally putting his handkerchief to his
eyes with a simple honesty that did him more honour to my thinking than any
disguise he could have affected said
»I have been much to blame I believe I have been very much to blame I have
exposed one whom I hold in my heart to trials and aspersions I call them
aspersions even to have been conceived in anybodys inmost mind of which she
never but for me could have been the object.«
Uriah Heep gave a kind of snivel I think to express sympathy
»Of which my Annie« said the Doctor »never but for me could have been
the object. Gentlemen I am old now as you know I do not feel tonight that
I have much to live for But my life my Life upon the truth and honour of
the dear lady who has been the subject of this conversation«
I do not think that the best embodiment of chivalry the realisation of the
handsomest and most romantic figure ever imagined by painter could have said
this with a more impressive and affecting dignity than the plain old Doctor did
»But I am not prepared« he went on »to deny perhaps I may have been
without knowing it in some degree prepared to admit that I may have
unwittingly ensnared that lady into an unhappy marriage I am a man quite
unaccustomed to observe and I cannot but believe that the observation of
several people of different ages and positions all too plainly tending in one
direction and that so natural is better than mine«
I had often admired as I have elsewhere described his benignant manner
towards his youthful wife but the respectful tenderness he manifested in every
reference to her on this occasion and the almost reverential manner in which he
put away from him the lightest doubt of her integrity exalted him in my eyes
beyond description
»I married that lady« said the Doctor »when she was extremely young I
took her to myself when her character was scarcely formed So far as it was
developed it had been my happiness to form it I knew her father well I knew
her well I had taught her what I could for the love of all her beautiful and
virtuous qualities If I did her wrong as I fear I did in taking advantage
but I never meant it of her gratitude and her affection I ask pardon of that
lady in my heart«
He walked across the room and came back to the same place holding the
chair with a grasp that trembled like his subdued voice in its earnestness
»I regarded myself as a refuge for her from the dangers and vicissitudes
of life I persuaded myself that unequal though we were in years she would
live tranquilly and contentedly with me I did not shut out of my consideration
the time when I should leave her free and still young an still beautiful but
with her judgment more matured no gentlemen upon my truth«
His homely figure seemed to be lightened up by his fidelity and generosity
Every word he uttered had a force that no other grace could have imparted to it
»My life with this lady has been very happy Until tonight I have had
uninterrupted occasion to bless the day on which I did her great injustice«
His voice more and more faltering in the utterance of these words stopped
for a few moments then he went on
»Once awakened from my dream I have been a poor dreamer in one way or
other all my life I see how natural it is that she should have some regretful
feeling towards her old companion and her equal That she does regard him with
some innocent regret with some blameless thoughts of what might have been but
for me is I fear too true Much that I have seen but not noted has come
back upon me with new meaning during this last trying hour But beyond this
gentlemen the dear ladys name never must be coupled with a word a breath of
doubt«
For a little while his eye kindled and his voice was firm for a little
while he was again silent Presently he proceeded as before
»It only remains for me to bear the knowledge of the unhappiness I have
occasioned as submissively as I can It is she who should reproach not I To
save her from misconstruction cruel misconstruction that even my friends have
not been able to avoid becomes my duty The more retired we live the better I
shall discharge it And when the time comes may it come soon if it be His
merciful pleasure when my death shall release her from constraint I shall
close my eyes upon her honoured face with unbounded confidence and love and
leave her with no sorrow then to happier and brighter days«
I could not see him for the tears which his earnestness and goodness so
adorned by and so adorning the perfect simplicity of his manner brought into
my eyes He had moved to the door when he added
»Gentlemen I have shown you my heart I am sure you will respect it What
we have said tonight is never to be said more Wickfield give me an old
friends arm upstairs«
Mr Wickfield hastened to him Without interchanging a word they went slowly
out of the room together Uriah looking after them
»Well Master Copperfield« said Uriah meekly turning to me »The thing
hasnt took quite the turn that might have been expected for the old Scholar
what an excellent man is as blind as a brickbat but this familys out of the
cart I think«
I needed but the sound of his voice to be so madly enraged as I never was
before and never have been since
»You villain« said I »what do you mean by entrapping me into your schemes
How dare you appeal to me just now you false rascal as if we had been in
discussion together«
As we stood front to front I saw so plainly in the stealthy exultation of
his face what I already so plainly knew I mean that he forced his confidence
upon me expressly to make me miserable and had set a deliberate trap for me in
this very matter that I couldnt bear it The whole of his lank cheek was
invitingly before me and I struck it with my open hand with that force that my
finger tingled as if I had burnt them
He caught the hand in his and we stood in that connexion looking at each
other We stood so a long time long enough for me to see the white marks of my
fingers die out of the deep red of his cheek and leave it a deeper red
»Copperfield« he said at length in a breathless voice »have you taken
leave of your senses«
»I have taken leave of you« said I wresting my hand away »You dog Ill
know no more of you«
»Wont you« said he constrained by the pain of his cheek to put his hand
there »Perhaps you wont be able to help it Isnt this ungrateful of you
now«
»I have shown you often enough« said I »that I despise you I have shown
you now more plainly that I do Why should I dread your doing your worst to
all about you What else do you ever do«
He perfectly understood this allusion to the considerations that had
hitherto restrained me in my communications with him I rather think that
neither the blow nor the allusion would have escaped me but for the assurance
I had had from Agnes that night It is no matter
There was another long pause His eyes as he looked me seemed to take
every shade of colour that could make eyes ugly
»Copperfield« he said removing his hand from his cheek »you have always
gone against me I know you always used to be against me at Mr Wickfields«
»You may think what you like« said I still in a towering rage »If it is
not true so much the worthier you«
»And yet I always liked you Copperfield« he rejoined
I deigned to make him no reply and taking up my hat was going out to bed
when he came between me and the door
»Copperfield« he said »there must be two parties to a quarrel I wont be
one«
»You may go to the devil« said I
»Dont say that« he replied »I know youll be sorry afterwards How can
you make yourself so inferior to me as to show such a bad spirit But I forgive
you«
»You forgive me« I repeated disdainfully
»I do and you cant help yourself« replied Uriah »To think of your going
and attacking me that have always been a friend to you But there cant be a
quarrel without two parties and I wont be one I will be a friend to you in
spite of you So now you know what youve got to expect«
The necessity of carrying on this dialogue his part in which was very slow
mine very quick in a low tone that the house might not be disturbed at an
unseasonable hour did not improve my temper though my passion was cooling
down Merely telling him that I should expect from him what I always had
expected and had never yet been disappointed in I opened the door upon him as
if he had been a great walnut put there to be cracked and went out of the
house But he slept out of the house too at his mothers lodging and before I
had gone many hundred yards came up with me
»You know Copperfield« he said in my ear I did not turn my head
»youre in quite a wrong position« which I felt to be true and that made me
chafe the more »you cant make this a brave thing and you cant help being
forgiven I dont intend to mention it to mother nor to any living soul Im
determined to forgive you But I do wonder that you should lift your hand
against a person that you knew to be so umble«
I felt only less mean than he He knew e better than I knew myself If he
had retorted or openly exasperated me it would have been a relief and a
justification but he had put me on a slow fire on which I lay tormented half
the night
In the morning when I came out the early church bell was ringing and he
was walking up and down with his mother He addressed me as if nothing had
happened and I could do no less than reply I had struck him hard enough to
give him the toothache I suppose At all events his face was tied up in a black
silk handkerchief which with his hat perched on the top of it was far from
improving his appearance I heard that he went to a dentists in London on the
Monday morning and had a tooth out I hope it was a double one
The Doctor gave out that he was not quite well and remained alone for a
considerable part of every day during the remainder of the visit Agnes and her
father had bee gone a week before we resumed our usual work On the day
preceding its resumption the Doctor gave me with his own hands a folded note
not sealed It was addressed to myself and laid an injunction on me in a few
affectionate words never to refer to the subject of that evening I had
confided it to my aunt but to no one else It was not a subject I could discuss
with Agnes and Agnes certainly had not the least suspicion of what had passed
Neither I felt convinced had Mrs Strong then Several weeks elapsed
before I saw the least change in her It came on slowly like a cloud when there
is no wind At first she seemed to wonder at the gentle compassion with which
the Doctor spoke to her and at his wish that she should have her mother with
her to relieve the dull monotony of her life Often when we were at work and
she was sitting by I would see her pausing and looking at him with that
memorable face Afterwards I sometimes observed her rise with her eyes full of
tears and go out of the room Gradually an unhappy shadow fell upon her
beauty and deepened every day Mrs Markleham was a regular inmate of the
cottage then but she talked and talked and saw nothing
As this change stole on Annie once like sunshine in the Doctors house the
Doctor became older in appearance and more grave but the sweetness of his
temper the placid kindness of his manner and his benevolent solicitude for
her if they were capable of any increase were increased I saw him once early
on the morning of her birthday when she came to sit in the window while we were
at work which she had always done but now began to do with a timid and
uncertain air that I thought very touching take her forehead between his
hands kiss it and go hurriedly away too much moved to remain I saw her stand
where he had left her like a statue and then bend down her head and clasp her
hands and weep I cannot say how sorrowfully
Sometimes after that I fancied that she tried to speak even to me in
intervals when we were left alone But she never uttered word The Doctor always
had some new project for her participating in amusements away from home with
her mother and Mrs Markleham who was very fond of amusements and very easily
dissatisfied with anything else entered into them with great good will and was
loud in her commendations But Annie in a spiritless unhappy way only went
whither she was led and seemed to have no care for anything
I did not know what to think Neither did my aunt who must have walked at
various times a hundred miles in her uncertainty What was strangest of all
was that the only real relief which seemed to make its way into the secret
region of this domestic unhappiness made its way there in the person of Mr
Dick
What his thoughts were on the subject or what his observation was I am as
unable to explain as I dare say he would have been to assist me in the task
But as I have recorded in the narrative of my school days his veneration for
the Doctor was unbounded and there is a subtlety of perception in real
attachment even when it is borne towards man by one of the lower animals which
leaves the highest intellect behind To this mind of the heart if I may call it
so in Mr Dick some bright ray of the truth shot straight
He had proudly resumed his privilege in many of his spare hours of walking
up and down the garden with the Doctor as he had been accustomed to pace up and
down The Doctors Walk at Canterbury But matters were no sooner in this state
than he devoted all his spare time and got up earlier to make it more to these
perambulations If he had never been so happy as when the Doctor read that
marvellous performance the Dictionary to him he was now quite miserable
unless the Doctor pulled it out of his pocket and began When the Doctor and I
were engaged he now fell into the custom of walking up and down with Mrs
Strong and helping her to trim her favourite flowers or weed the beds I dare
say he rarely spoke a dozen words in an hour but his quiet interest and his
wistful face found immediate response in both their breasts each knew that the
other liked him and that he loved both and he became what no one else could be
a link between them
When I think of him with his impenetrably wise face walking up and down
with the Doctor delighted to be battered by the hard words in the Dictionary
when I think of him carrying huge wateringpots after Annie kneeling down in
very paws of gloves at patient microscopic work among the little leaves
expressing as no philosopher could have expressed in everything he did a
delicate desire to be her friend showering sympathy trustfulness and
affection out of every hole in the wateringpot when I think of him never
wandering in that better mind of his to which unhappiness addressed itself
never bringing the unfortunate King Charles into the garden never wavering in
his grateful service never diverted from his knowledge that there was something
wrong or from his wish to set it right I really feel almost ashamed of having
known that he was not quite in his wits taking account of the utmost I have
done with mine
»Nobody but myself Trot knows what that man is« my aunt would proudly
remark when we conversed about it »Dick will distinguish himself yet«
I must refer to one other topic before I close this chapter While the visit
at the Doctors was still in progress I observed that the postman brought two
or three letters every morning for Uriah Heep who remained at Highgate until
the rest went back it being a leisure time and that these were always directed
in a businesslike manner by Mr Micawber who now assumed a round legal hand I
was glad to infer from these slight premises that Mr Micawber was doing well
and consequently was much surprised to receive about this time the following
letter from his amiable wife
»Canterbury Monday Evening
You will doubtless be surprised my dear Mr Copperfield to receive
this communication Still more so by its contents Still more so by
the stipulation of implicit confidence which I beg to impose But my
feelings as a wife and mother require relief and as I do not wish to
consult my family already obnoxious to the feelings of Mr Micawber I
know no one of whom I can better ask advice than my friend and former
lodger
You may be aware my dear Mr Copperfield that between myself and
Mr Micawber whom I will never desert there has always been preserved
a spirit of mutual confidence Mr Micawber may have occasionally given
a bill without consulting me or he may have misled me as to the period
when that obligation would become due This has actually happened But
in general Mr Micawber has had no secrets from the bosom of affection
I allude to his wife and has invariably on our retirement to rest
recalled the events of the day
You will picture to yourself my dear Mr Copperfield what the
poignancy of my feelings must be when I inform you that Mr Micawber is
entirely changed He is reserved He is secret His life is a mystery to
the partner of his joys and sorrows I again allude to his wife and
if I should assure you that beyond knowing that it is passed from
morning to night at the office I now know less of it than I do of the
man in the south connected with whose mouth the thoughtless children
repeat an idle tale respecting cold plum porridge I should adopt a
popular fallacy to express an actual fact
But this is not all Mr Micawber is morose He is severe He is
estranged from our eldest son and daughter he has no pride in his
twins he looks with an eye of coldness even on the unoffending stranger
who last became a member of our circle The pecuniary means of meeting
our expenses kept down to the utmost farthing are obtained from him
with great difficulty and even under fearful threats that he will
Settle himself the exact expression and he inexorably refuses to give
any explanation whatever of this distracting policy
This is hard to bear This is heartbreaking If you will advise me
knowing my feeble powers such as they are how you think it will be best
to exert them in a dilemma so unwonted you will add another friendly
obligation to the many you have already rendered me With loves from the
children and a smile from the happilyunconscious stranger I remain
dear Mr Copperfield
Your afflicted
EMMA MICAWBER«
I did not feel justified in giving a wife of Mrs Micawbers experience any
other recommendation than that she should try to reclaim Mr Micawber by
patience and kindness as I knew she would in any case but the letter set me
thinking about him very much
Chapter XLIII
Another Retrospect
Once again let me pause upon a memorable period of my life Let me stand aside
to see the phantoms of those days go by me accompanying the shadow of myself
in dim procession
Weeks months seasons pass along They seem little more than a summer day
and a winter evening Now the Common where I walk with Dora is all in bloom a
field of bright gold and now the unseen heather lies in mounds and bunches
underneath a covering of snow In a breath the river that flows through our
Sunday walks is sparkling in the summer sun is ruffled by the winter wind or
thickened with drifting heaps of ice Faster than ever river ran towards the
sea it flashes darkens and rolls away
Not a thread changes in the house of the two little birdlike ladies The
clock ticks over the fireplace the weatherglass hangs in the hall Neither
clock nor weatherglass is ever right but we believe in both devoutly
I have come legally to mans estate I have attained the dignity of
twentyone But this is a sort of dignity that may be thrust upon one Let me
think what I have achieved
I have tamed that savage stenographic mystery I make a respectable income
by it I am in high repute for my accomplishment in all pertaining to the art
and am joined with eleven others in reporting the debates in Parliament for a
Morning Newspaper Night after night I record predictions that never come to
pass professions that are never fulfilled explanations that are only meant to
mystify I wallow in words Britannia that unfortunate female is always before
me like a trussed fowl skewered through and through with officepens and
bound hand and foot with red tape I am sufficiently behind the scenes to know
the worth of political life I am quite an Infidel about it and shall never be
converted
My dear old Traddles has tried his hand at the same pursuit but it is not
in Traddless way He is perfectly goodhumoured respecting his failure and
reminds me that he always did consider himself slow He has occasional
employment on the same newspaper in getting up the fact of dry subjects to be
written about and embellished by more fertile minds He is called to the bar
and with admirable industry and selfdenial has scraped another hundred pounds
together to fee a conveyancer whose chambers he attends A great deal of very
hot port wine was consumed at his call and considering the figure I should
think the Inner Temple must have made a profit by it
I have come out in another way I have taken with fear and trembling to
authorship I wrote a little something in secret and sent it to a magazine
and it was published in the magazine Since then I have taken heart to write a
good many trifling pieces Now I am regularly paid for them Altogether I am
well off when I tell my income on the fingers of my left hand I pass the third
finger and take in the fourth to the middle joint
We have removed from Buckingham Street to a pleasant little cottage very
near the one I looked at when my enthusiasm first came on My aunt however
who has sold the house at Dover to good advantage is not going to remain
here but intends removing herself to a still more tiny cottage close at hand
What does this portend My marriage Yes
Yes I am going to be married to Dora Miss Lavinia and Miss Clarissa have
given their consent and if ever canary birds were in a flutter they are Miss
Lavinia selfcharged with the superintendence of my darlings wardrobe is
constantly cutting out brownpaper cuirasses and differing in opinion from a
highly respectable young man with a long bundle and a yard measure under his
arm A dressmaker always stabbed in the breast with a needle and thread boards
and lodges in the house and seems to me eating drinking or sleeping never
to take her thimble off They make a layfigure of my dear They are always
sending for her to come and try something on We cant be happy together for
five minutes in the evening but some intrusive female knocks at the door and
says »Oh if you please Miss Dora would you step upstairs«
Miss Clarissa and my aunt roam all over London to find out articles of
furniture for Dora and me to look at It would be better for them to buy the
goods at once without this ceremony of inspection for when we go to see a
kitchen fender and meatscreen Dora sees a Chinese house for Jip with little
bells on the top and prefers that And it takes a long time to accustom Jip to
his new residence after we have bought it whenever he goes in or out he makes
all the little bells ring and is horribly frightened
Peggotty comes up to make herself useful and falls to work immediately Her
department appears to be to clean everything over and over again She rubs
everything that can be rubbed until it shines like her own honest forehead
with perpetual friction And now it is that I begin to see her solitary brother
passing through the dark streets at night and looking as he goes among the
wandering faces I never speak to him at such an hour I know too well as his
grave figure passes onward what he seeks and what he dreads
Why does Traddles look so important when he calls upon me this afternoon in
the Commons where I still occasionally attend for forms sake when I have
time The realisation of my boyish daydreams is at hand I am going to take out
the licence
It is a little document to do so much and Traddles contemplates it as it
lies upon my desk half in admiration half in awe There are the names in the
sweet old visionary connexion David Copperfield and Dora Spenlow and there in
the corner is that Parental Institution the Stamp Office which is so
benignantly interested in the various transactions of human life looking down
upon our Union and there is the Archbishop of Canterbury invoking a blessing on
us in print and doing it as cheap as could possibly be expected
Nevertheless I am in a dream a flustered happy hurried dream I cant
believe that it is going to be and yet I cant believe but that every one I
pass in the street must have some kind of perception, that I am to be married
the day after tomorrow The Surrogate knows me when I go down to be sworn and
disposes of me easily as if there were a Masonic understanding between us
Traddles is not at all wanted but is in attendance as my general backer
»I hope the next time you come here my dear fellow« I say to Traddles »it
will be on the same errand for yourself And I hope it will be soon«
»Thank you for your good wishes my dear Copperfield« he replies »I hope
so too Its a satisfaction to know that shell wait for me any length of time
and that she really is the dearest girl «
»When are you to meet her at the coach« I ask
»At seven« says Traddles looking at his plain old silver watch the very
watch he once took a wheel out of at school to make a watermill »That is
about Miss Wickfields time is it not«
»A little earlier Her time is halfpast eight«
»I assure you my dear boy« says Traddles »I am almost as pleased as if I
were going to be married myself to think that this event is coming to such a
happy termination And really the great friendship and consideration of
personally associating Sophy with the joyful occasion and inviting her to be a
bridesmaid in conjunction with Miss Wickfield demands my warmest thanks I am
extremely sensible of it«
I hear him and shake hands with him and we talk and walk and dine and
so on but I dont believe it Nothing is real
Sophy arrives at the house of Doras aunts in due course She has the most
agreeable of faces not absolutely beautiful but extraordinarily pleasant
and is one of the most genial unaffected frank engaging creatures I have ever
seen Traddles presents her to us with great pride and rubs his hands for ten
minutes by the clock with every individual hair upon his head standing on
tiptoe when I congratulate him in a corner on his choice
I have brought Agnes from the Canterbury coach and her cheerful and
beautiful face is among us for the second time Agnes has a great liking for
Traddles and it is capital to see them meet and to observe the glory of
Traddles as he commends the dearest girl in the world to her acquaintance
Still I dont believe it We have a delightful evening and are supremely
happy but I dont believe it yet I cant collect myself I cant check off my
happiness as it takes place. I feel in a misty and unsettled kind of state as
if I had got up very early in the morning a week or two ago and had never been
to bed since I cant make out when yesterday was I seem to have been carrying
the licence about in my pocket many months
Next day too when we all go in a flock to see the house our house
Doras and mine I am quite unable to regard myself as its master I seem to be
there by permission of somebody else I half expect the real master to come
home presently and say he is glad to see me Such a beautiful little house as
it is with everything so bright and new with the flowers on the carpets
looking as if freshly gathered and the green leaves on the paper as if they had
just come out with the spotless muslin curtains and the blushing rosecoloured
furniture and Doras garden hat with the blue ribbon do I remember now how
I loved her in such another hat when I first knew her already hanging on its
little peg the guitarcase quite at home on its heels in a corner and
everybody tumbling over Jips Pagoda which is much too big for the
establishment
Another happy evening quite as unreal as all the rest of it and I steal
into the usual room before going away Dora is not there I suppose they have
not done trying on yet Miss Lavinia peeps in and tells me mysteriously that
she will not be long She is rather long notwithstanding but byandby I hear
a rustling at the door and some one taps
I say »Come in« but some one taps again
I go to the door wondering who it is there I meet a pair of bright eyes
and a blushing face they are Doras eyes an face and Miss Lavinia has dressed
her in tomorrows dress bonnet and all for me to see I take my little wife
to my heart and Miss Lavinia gives a little scream because I tumble the bonnet
and Dora laughs and cries at once because I am so pleased and I believe it
less than ever
»Do you think it pretty Doady« says Dora
Pretty I should rather think I did
»And are you sure you like me very much« says Dora
The topic is fraught with such danger to the bonnet that Miss Lavinia gives
another little scream and begs me to understand that Dora is only to be looked
at and on no account to be touched So Dora stands in a delightful state of
confusion for a minute or two to be admired and then takes off her bonnet
looking so natural without it and runs away with it in her hand and comes
dancing down again in her own familiar dress and asks Jip if I have got a
beautiful little wife and whether hell forgive her for being married and
kneels down to make him stand upon the cookerybook for the last time in her
single life
I go home more incredulous than ever to a lodging that I have hard by and
get up very early in the morning to ride to the Highgate road and fetch my
aunt
I have never seen my aunt in such state She is dressed in lavendercoloured
silk and has a white bonnet on and is amazing Janet has dressed her and is
there to look at me Peggotty is ready to go to church intending to behold the
ceremony from the gallery Mr Dick who is to give my darling to me at the
altar has had his hair curled Traddles whom I have taken up by appointment at
the turnpike presents a dazzling combination of cream colour and light blue
and both he and Mr Dick have a general effect about them of being all gloves
No doubt I see this because I know it is so but I am astray and seem to
see nothing Nor do I believe anything whatever Still as we drive along in an
open carriage this fairy marriage is real enough to fill me with a sort of
wondering pity for the unfortunate people who have no part in it but are
sweeping out the shops and going to their daily occupations
My aunt sits with my hand in hers all the way When we stop a little way
short of the church to put down Peggotty whom we have brought on the box she
gives it a squeeze and me a kiss
»God bless you Trot My own boy never could be dearer I think of poor dear
Baby this morning«
»So do I And of all I owe to you dear aunt«
»Tut child« says my aunt and gives her hand in overflowing cordiality to
Traddles who then gives his to Mr Dick who then gives his to me who then
give mine to Traddles and then we come to the church door
The church is calm enough I am sure but it might be a steampower loom in
full action for any sedative effect it has on me I am too far gone for that
The rest is all a more or less incoherent dream
A dream of their coming in with Dora of the pewopener arranging us like a
drillsergeant before the altar rails of my wondering even then why
pewopeners must always be the most disagreeable females procurable and whether
there is any religious dread of a disastrous infection of good humour which
renders it indispensable to set those vessel of vinegar upon the road to Heaven
Of the clergyman and clerk appearing of a few boatmen and some other people
strolling in of an ancient mariner behind me strongly flavouring the church
with rum of the service beginning in a deep voice and our all being very
attentive
Of Miss Lavinia who acts as a semiauxiliary bridesmaid being the first to
cry and of her doing homage as I take it to the memory of Pidger in sobs of
Miss Clarissa applying a smellingbottle of Agnes taking care of Dora of my
aunt endeavouring to represent herself as a model of sternness with tears
rolling down her face of little Dora trembling very much and making her
responses in faint whispers
Of our kneeling down together side by side of Doras trembling less and
less but always clasping Agnes by the hand of the service being got through
quietly and gravely of our all looking at each other in an April state of
smiles and tears when it is over of my young wife being hysterical in the
vestry and crying for her poor papa her dear papa
Of her soon cheering up again and our signing the register all round Of my
going into the gallery for Peggotty to bring her to sign it of Peggottys
hugging me in a corner and telling me she saw my own dear mother married of
its being over and our going away
Of my walking so proudly and lovingly down the aisle with my sweet wife upon
my arm through a mist of halfseen people pulpits monuments pews fonts
organs and churchwindows in which there flutter faint airs of association
with my childish church at home so long ago
Of their whispering as we pass what a youthful couple we are and what a
pretty little wife she is Of our all being so merry and talkative in the
carriage going back Of Sophy telling us that when she saw Traddles whom I had
entrusted with the licence asked for it she almost fainted having been
convinced that he would contrive to lose it or to have his pocket picked Of
Agnes laughing gaily and of Dora being so fond of Agnes that she will not be
separated from her but still keeps her hand
Of there being a breakfast with abundance of things pretty and
substantial to eat and drink whereof I partake as I should do in any other
dream without the least perception of their flavour eating and drinking as I
may say nothing but love and marriage and no more believing in the viands than
in anything else
Of my making a speech in the same dreamy fashion without having an idea of
what I want to say beyond such as may be comprehended in the full conviction
that I havent said it Of our being very sociably and simply happy always in a
dream though and of Jips having wedding cake and its not agreeing with him
afterwards
Of the pair of hired posthorses being ready and of Doras going away to
change her dress Of my aunt and Miss Clarissa remaining with us and our
walking in the garden and my aunt who has made quite a speech at breakfast
touching Doras aunts being mightily amused with herself but a little proud of
it too
Of Doras being ready and of Miss Lavinias hovering about her loth to
lose the pretty toy that has given her so much pleasant occupation Of Doras
making a long series of surprised discoveries that she has forgotten all sorts
of little things and of everybodys running everywhere to fetch them
Of their all closing about Dora when at last she begins to say goodbye
looking with their bright colours and ribbons like a bed of flowers Of my
darling being almost smothered among the flowers and coming out laughing and
crying both together to my jealous arms
Of my wanting to carry Jip who is to go along with us and Doras saying
No that she must carry him or else hell think she dont like him any more
now she is married will break his heart Of our going arm in arm and Dora
stopping and looking back and saying »If I have ever been cross or ungrateful
to anybody dont remember it« and bursting into tears
Of her waving her little hand and our going away once more Of her once
more stopping and looking back hurrying to Agnes and giving Agnes above all
the others her last kisses and farewells
We drive away together and I awake from the dream I believe it at last It
is my dear dear little wife beside me whom I love so well
»Are you happy now you foolish boy« says Dora »and sure you dont
repent«
I have stood aside to see the phantoms of those days go by me They are gone
and I resume the journey of my story
Chapter XLIV
Our Housekeeping
It was a strange condition of things the honeymoon being over and the
bridesmaids gone home when I found myself sitting down in my own small house
with Dora quite thrown out of employment as I may say in respect of the
delicious old occupation of making love
It seemed such an extraordinary thing to have Dora always there It was so
unaccountable not to be obliged to go out to see her not to have any occasion
to be tormenting myself about her not to have to write to her not to be
scheming and devising opportunities of being alone with her Sometimes of an
evening when I looked up from my writing and saw her seated opposite I would
lean back in my chair and think how queer it was that there we were alone
together as a matter of course nobodys business any more all the romance of
our engagement put away upon a shelf to rust no one to please but one another
one another to please for life
When there was a debate and I was kept out very late it seemed so strange
to me as I was walking home to think that Dora was at home It was such a
wonderful thing at first to have her coming softly down to talk to me as I ate
my supper It was such a stupendous thing to know for certain that she put her
hair in papers It was altogether such an astonishing event to see her do it
I doubt whether two young birds could have known less about keeping house
than I and my pretty Dora did We had a servant of course She kept house for
us I have still a latent belief that she must have been Mrs Crupps daughter
in disguise we had such an awful time of it with Mary Anne
Her name was Paragon Her nature was represented to us when we engaged her
as being feebly expressed in her name She had a written character as large as
a proclamation and according to this document could do everything of a
domestic nature that ever I heard of and a great many things that I never did
hear of She was a woman in the prime of life of a severe countenance and
subject particularly in the arms to a sort of perpetual measles or fiery rash
She had a cousin in the Life Guards with such long legs that he looked like the
afternoon shadow of somebody else His shelljacket was as much too little for
him as he was too big for the premises He made the cottage smaller than it need
have been by being so very much out of proportion to it Besides which the
walls were not thick and whenever he passed the evening at our house we always
knew of it by hearing one continual growl in the kitchen
Our treasure was warranted sober and honest I am therefore willing to
believe that she was in a fit when we found her under the boiler and that the
deficient teaspoons were attributable to the dustman
But she preyed upon our minds dreadfully We felt our inexperience and were
unable to help ourselves We should have been at her mercy if she had had any
but she was a remorseless woman and had none She was the cause of our first
little quarrel
»My dearest life« I said one day to Dora »do you think Mary Anne has any
idea of time«
»Why Doady« inquired Dora looking up innocently from her drawing
»My love because its five and we were to have dined at four«
Dora glanced wistfully at the clock and hinted that she thought it was too
fast
»On the contrary my love« said I referring to my watch »its a few
minutes too slow«
My little wife came and sat upon my knee to coax me to be quiet and drew a
line with her pencil down the middle of my nose but I couldnt dine off that
though it was very agreeable
»Dont you think my dear« said I »it would be better for you to
remonstrate with Mary Anne«
»Oh no please I couldnt Doady« said Dora
»Why not my love« I gently asked
»Oh because I am such a little goose« said Dora »and she knows I am«
I thought this sentiment so incompatible with the establishment of any
system of check on Mary Anne that I frowned a little
»Oh what ugly wrinkles in my bad boys forehead« said Dora and still
being on my knee she traced them with her pencil putting it to her rosy lips
to make it mark blacker and working at my forehead with a quaint little mockery
of being industrious that quite delighted me in spite of myself
»Theres a good child« said Dora »it makes its face so much prettier to
laugh«
»But my love« said I
»No no please« cried Dora with a kiss »dont be a naughty Blue Beard
Dont be serious«
»My precious wife« said I »we must be serious sometimes Come Sit down on
this chair close beside me Give me the pencil There Now let us talk
sensibly You know dear« what a little hand it was to hold and what a tiny
weddingring it was to see »You know my love it is not exactly comfortable to
have to go out without ones dinner Now is it«
»N n no« replied Dora faintly
»My love how you tremble«
»Because I KNOW youre going to scold me« exclaimed Dora in a piteous
voice
»My sweet I am only going to reason«
»Oh but reasoning is worse than scolding« exclaimed Dora in despair »I
didnt marry to be reasoned with If you meant to reason with such a poor little
thing as I am you ought to have told me so you cruel boy«
I tried to pacify Dora but she turned away her face shook her curls from
side to side and said »You cruel cruel boy« so many times that I really did
not exactly know what to do so I took a few turns up and down the room in my
uncertainty and came back again
»Dora my darling«
»No I am not your darling Because you must be sorry that you married me
or else you wouldnt reason with me« returned Dora
I felt so injured by the inconsequential nature of this charge that it gave
me courage to be grave
»Now my own Dora« said I »you are very childish and are talking
nonsense You must remember I am sure that I was obliged to go out yesterday
when dinner was half over and that the day before I was made quite unwell by
being obliged to eat underdone veal in a hurry today I dont dine at all
and I am afraid to say how long we waited for breakfast and then the water
didnt boil I dont mean to reproach you my dear but this is not
comfortable«
»Oh you cruel cruel boy to say I am a disagreeable wife« cried Dora
»Now my dear Dora you must know that I never said that«
»You said I wasnt comfortable« said Dora
»I said the housekeeping was not comfortable«
»Its exactly the same thing« cried Dora And she evidently thought so for
she wept most grievously
I took another turn across the room full of love for my pretty wife and
distracted by selfaccusatory inclinations to knock my head against the door I
sat down again and said
»I am not blaming you Dora We have both a great deal to learn I am only
trying to show you my dear that you must you really must« I was resolved
not to give this up »accustom yourself to look after Mary Anne Likewise to act
a little for yourself and me«
»I wonder I do at your making such ungrateful speeches« sobbed Dora
»When you know that the other day when you said you would like a little bit of
fish I went out myself miles and miles and ordered it to surprise you«
»And it was very kind of you my own darling« said I »I felt it so much
that I wouldnt on any account have even mentioned that you bought a Salmon
which was too much for two Or that it cost one pound six which was more than
we can afford«
»You enjoyed it very much« sobbed Dora »And you said I was a Mouse«
»And Ill say so again my love« I returned »a thousand times«
But I had wounded Doras soft little heart and she was not to be comforted
She was so pathetic in her sobbing and bewailing that I felt as if I had said I
dont know what to hurt her I was obliged to hurry away I was kept out late
and I felt all night such pangs of remorse as made me miserable I had the
conscience of an assassin and was haunted by a vague sense of enormous
wickedness
It was two or three hours past midnight when I got home I found my aunt in
our house sitting up for me
»Is anything the matter aunt« said I alarmed
»Nothing Trot« she replied »Sit down sit down Little Blossom has been
rather out of spirits and I have been keeping her company Thats all«
I leaned my head upon my hand and felt more sorry and downcast as I sat
looking at the fire than I could have supposed possible so soon after the
fulfilment of my brightest hopes As I sat thinking I happened to meet my
aunts eyes which were resting on my face There was an anxious expression in
them but it cleared directly
»I assure you aunt« said I »I have been quite unhappy myself all night
to think of Doras being so But I had no other intention than to speak to her
tenderly and lovingly about our homeaffairs«
My aunt nodded encouragement
»You must have patience Trot« said she
»Of course Heaven knows I dont mean to be unreasonable aunt«
»No no« said my aunt »But Little Blossom is a very tender little blossom
and the wind must be gentle with her«
I thanked my good aunt in my heart for her tenderness towards my wife and
I was sure that she knew I did
»Dont you think aunt« said I after some further contemplation of the
fire »that you could advise and counsel Dora a little for our mutual
advantage now and then«
»Trot« returned my aunt with some emotion »no Dont ask me such a
thing«
Her tone was so very earnest that I raised my eyes in surprise
»I look back on my life child« said my aunt »and I think of some who are
in their graves with whom I might have been on kinder terms If I judged
harshly of other peoples mistakes in marriage it may have been because I had
bitter reason to judge harshly of my own Let that pass I have been a grumpy
frumpy wayward sort of a woman a good many years I am still and I always
shall be But you and I have done one another some good Trot at all events
you have done me good my dear and division must not come between us at this
time of day«
»Division between us« cried I
»Child child« said my aunt smoothing her dress »how soon it might come
between us or how unhappy I might make our Little Blossom if I meddled in
anything a prophet couldnt say I want our pet to like me and be as gay as a
butterfly Remember your own home in that second marriage and never do both me
and her the injury you have hinted at«
I comprehended at once that my aunt was right and I comprehended the full
extent of her generous feeling towards my dear wife
»These are early days Trot« she pursued »and Rome was not built in a day
nor in a year You have chosen freely for yourself« a cloud passed over her
face for a moment I thought »and you have chosen a very pretty and a very
affectionate creature It will be your duty and it will be your pleasure too
of course I know that I am not delivering a lecture to estimate her as you
chose her by the qualities she has and not by the qualities she may not have
The latter you must develop in her if you can And if you cannot child« here
my aunt rubbed her nose »you must just accustom yourself to do without em But
remember my dear your future is between you two No one can assist you you
are to work it out for yourselves This is marriage Trot and Heaven bless you
both in it for a pair of babes in the wood as you are«
My aunt said this in a sprightly way and gave me a kiss to ratify the
blessing
»Now« said she »light my little lantern and see me into my bandbox by the
garden path« for there was a communication between our cottages in that
direction »Give Betsey Trotwoods love to Blossom when you come back and
whatever you do Trot never dream of setting Betsey up as a scarecrow for if I
ever saw her in the glass shes quite grim enough and gaunt enough in her
private capacity«
With this my aunt tied her head up in a handkerchief with which she was
accustomed to make a bundle of it on such occasions and I escorted her home As
she stood in her garden holding up her little lantern to light me back I
thought her observation of me had an anxious air again but I was too much
occupied in pondering on what she had said and too much impressed for the
first time in reality by the conviction that Dora and I had indeed to work
out our future for ourselves and that no one could assist us to take much
notice of it
Dora came stealing down in her little slippers to meet me now that I was
alone and cried upon my shoulder and said I had been hardhearted and she had
been naughty and I said much the same thing in effect I believe and we made
it up and agreed that our first little difference was to be our last and that
we were never to have another if we lived a hundred years
The next domestic trial we went through was the Ordeal of Servants Mary
Annes cousin deserted into our coalhole and was brought out to our great
amazement by a piquet of his companions in arms who took him away handcuffed
in a procession that covered our frontgarden with ignominy This nerved me to
get rid of Mary Anne who went so mildly on receipt of wages that I was
surprised until I found out about the teaspoons and also about the little
sums she had borrowed in my name of the tradespeople without authority After an
interval of Mrs Kidgerbury the oldest inhabitant of Kentish Town I believe
who went out charing but was too feeble to execute her conceptions of that art
we found another treasure who was one of the most amiable of women but who
generally made a point of falling either up or down the kitchen stairs with the
tray and almost plunged into the parlour as into a bath with the teathings
The ravages committed by this unfortunate rendering her dismissal necessary she
was succeeded with intervals of Mrs Kidgerbury by a long line of Incapables
terminating in a young person of genteel appearance who went to Greenwich Fair
in Doras bonnet After whom I remember nothing but an average equality of
failure
Everybody we had anything to do with seemed to cheat us Our appearance in a
shop was a signal for the damaged goods to be brought out immediately If we
bought a lobster it was full of water All our meat turned out to be tough and
there was hardly any crust to our loaves In search of the principle on which
joints ought to be roasted to be roasted enough and not too much I myself
referred to the Cookery Book and found it there established as the allowance of
a quarter of an hour to every pound and say a quarter over But the principle
always failed us by some curious fatality and we never could hit any medium
between redness and cinders
I had reason to believe that in accomplishing these failures we incurred a
far greater expense than if we had achieved a series of triumphs It appeared to
me on looking over the tradesmens books as if we might have kept the basement
story paved with butter such was the extensive scale of our consumption of that
article I dont know whether the Excise returns of the period may have
exhibited any increase in the demand for pepper but if our performances did not
affect the market I should say several families must have left off using it
And the most wonderful fact of all was that we never had anything in the house
As to the washerwoman pawning the clothes and coming in a state of penitent
intoxication to apologise I suppose that might have happened several times to
anybody Also the chimney on fire the parish engine and perjury on the part of
the Beadle But I apprehend that we were personally unfortunate in engaging a
servant with a taste for cordials who swelled our running account for porter at
the publichouse by such inexplicable items as quartern rum shrub Mrs C
Halfquartern gin and cloves Mrs C Glass rum and peppermint Mrs C the
parentheses always referring to Dora who was supposed it appeared on
explanation to have imbibed the whole of these refreshments
One of our first feats in the housekeeping way was a little dinner to
Traddles I met him in town and asked him to walk out with me that afternoon
He readily consenting I wrote to Dora saying I would bring him home It was
pleasant weather and on the road we made my domestic happiness the theme of
conversation Traddles was very full of it and said that picturing himself
with such a home and Sophy waiting and preparing for him he could think
nothing wanting to complete his bliss
I could not have wished for a prettier little wife at the opposite end of
the table but I certainly could have wished when we sate down for a little
more room I did not know how it was but though there were only two of us we
were at once always cramped for room and yet had always room enough to lose
everything in I suspect it may have been because nothing had a place of its
own, except Jips pagoda which invariably blocked up the main thoroughfare On
the present occasion Traddles was so hemmed in by the pagoda and the
guitarcase and Doras flowerpainting and my writingtable that I had
serious doubts of the possibility of his using his knife and fork but he
protested with his own goodhumour »Oceans of room Copperfield I assure you
Oceans«
There was another thing I could have wished namely that Jip had never been
encouraged to walk about the tablecloth during dinner I began to think there
was something disorderly in his being there at all even if he had not been in
the habit of putting his foot in the salt or the meltedbutter On this occasion
he seemed to think he was introduced expressly to keep Traddles at bay and he
barked at my old friend and made short runs at his plate with such undaunted
pertinacity that he may be said to have engrossed the conversation
However as I knew how tenderhearted my dear Dora was and how sensitive
she would be to any slight upon her favourite I hinted no objection For
similar reasons I made no allusion to the skirmishing plates upon the floor or
to the disreputable appearance of the castors which were all at sixes and
sevens and looked drunk or to the further blockade of Traddles by wandering
vegetable dishes and jugs I could not help wondering in my own mind as I
contemplated the boiled leg of mutton before me previous to carving it how it
came to pass that our joints of meat were of such extraordinary shapes and
whether our butcher contracted for all the deformed sheep that came into the
world but I kept my reflections to myself
»My love« said I to Dora »what have you got in that dish«
I could not imagine why Dora had been making tempting little faces at me as
if she wanted to kiss me
»Oysters dear« said Dora timidly
»Was that your thought« said I delighted
»Yeyes Doady« said Dora
»There never was a happier one« I exclaimed laying down the carvingknife
and fork »There is nothing Traddles likes so much«
»Yeyes Doady« said Dora »and so I bought a beautiful little barrel of
them and the man said they were very good But I I am afraid theres
something the matter with them They dont seem right« Here Dora shook her
head and diamonds twinkled in her eyes
»They are only opened in both shells« said I »Take the top one off my
love«
»But it wont come off« said Dora trying very hard and looking very much
distressed
»Do you know Copperfield« said Traddles cheerfully examining the dish »I
think it is in consequence they are capital oysters but I think it is in
consequence of their never having been opened«
They never had been opened and we had no oysterknives and couldnt have
used them if we had so we looked at the oysters and ate the mutton At least we
ate as much of it as was done and made up with capers If I had permitted him
I am satisfied that Traddles would have made a perfect savage of himself and
eaten a plateful of raw meat to express enjoyment of the repast but I would
hear of no such immolation on the altar of friendship and we had a course of
bacon instead there happening by good fortune to be cold bacon in the larder
My poor little wife was in such affliction when she thought I should be
annoyed and in such a state of joy when she found I was not that the
discomfiture I had subdued very soon vanished and we passed a happy evening
Dora sitting with her arm on my chair while Traddles and I discussed a glass of
wine and taking every opportunity of whispering in my ear that it was so good
of me not to be a cruel cross old boy By and bye she made tea for us which it
was so pretty to see her do as if she was busying herself with a set of dolls
teathings that I was not particular about the quality of the beverage Then
Traddles and I played a game or two at cribbage and Dora singing to the guitar
the while it seemed to me as if our courtship and marriage were a tender dream
of mine and the night when I first listened to her voice were not yet over
When Traddles went away and I came back into the parlour from seeing him
out my wife planted her chair close to mine and sat down by my side
»I am very sorry« she said »Will you try to teach me Doady«
»I must teach myself first Dora« said I »I am as bad as you love«
»Ah But you can learn« she returned »and you are a clever clever man«
»Nonsense mouse« said I
»I wish« resumed my wife after a long silence »that I could have gone
down into the country for a whole year and lived with Agnes«
Her hands were clasped upon my shoulder and her chin rested on them and
her blue eyes looked quietly into mine
»Why so« I asked
»I think she might have improved me and I think I might have learned from
her« said Dora
»All in good time my love Agnes has had her father to take care of for
these many years you should remember Even when she was quite a child she was
the Agnes whom we know« said I
»Will you call me a name I want you to call me« inquired Dora without
moving
»What is it« I asked with a smile
»Its a stupid name« she said shaking her curls for a moment
»Childwife«
I laughingly asked my childwife what her fancy was in desiring to be so
called She answered without moving otherwise than as the arm I twined about
her may have brought her blue eyes nearer to me
»I dont mean you silly fellow that you should use the name instead of
Dora I only mean that you should think of me that way When you are going to be
angry with me say to yourself its only my childwife When I am very
disappointing say I knew a long time ago that she would make but a
childwife When you miss what I should like to be and I think can never be
say still my foolish childwife loves me For indeed I do«
I had not been serious with her having no idea until now that she was
serious herself But her affectionate nature was so happy in what I now said to
her with my whole heart that her face became a laughing one before her
glittering eyes were dry She was soon my childwife indeed sitting down on the
floor outside the Chinese House ringing all the little bells one after another
to punish Jip for his recent bad behaviour while Jip lay blinking in the
doorway with his head out even too lazy to be teased
This appeal of Doras made a strong impression on me I look back on the
time I write of I invoke the innocent figure that I dearly loved to come out
from the mists and shadows of the past and turn its gentle head towards me once
again and I can still declare that this one little speech was constantly in my
memory I may not have used it to the best account I was young and
inexperienced but I never turned a deaf ear to its artless pleading
Dora told me shortly afterwards that she was going be a wonderful
housekeeper Accordingly she polished the tablets pointed the pencil bought
an immense accountbook carefully stitched up with a needle and thread all the
leaves of the Cookery Book which Jip had torn and made quite a desperate little
attempt to be good as she called it But the figures had the old obstinate
propensity they would not add up When she had entered two or three laborious
items in the accountbook Jip would walk over the page wagging his tail and
smear them all out Her own little righthand middle finger got steeped to the
very bone in ink and I think that was the only decided result obtained
Sometimes of an evening when I was at home and at work for I wrote a
good deal now and was beginning in a small way to be known as a writer I
would lay down my pen and watch my childwife trying to be good First of all
she would bring out the immense accountbook and lay it down upon the table
with a deep sigh Then she would open it at the place where Jip had made it
illegible last night and call Jip up to look at his misdeeds This would
occasion a diversion in Jips favour and some inking of his nose perhaps as a
penalty Then she would tell Jip to lie down on the table instantly like a lion
which was one of his tricks though I cannot say the likeness was striking
and if he were in an obedient humour he would obey Then she would take up a
pen and begin to write and find a hair in it Then she would take up another
pen begin to write and find that it spluttered Then she would take up another
pen and begin to write and say in a low voice »Oh its a talking pen and
will disturb Doady« And then she would give it up as a bad job and put the
accountbook away after pretending to crush the lion with it
Or if she were in a very sedate and serious state of mind she would sit
down with the tablets and a little basket of bills and other documents which
looked more like curlpapers than anything else and endeavour to get some
result out of them After severely comparing one with another and making
entries on the tablets and blotting them out and counting all the fingers of
her left hand over and over again backwards and forwards she would be so vexed
and discouraged and would look so unhappy that it gave me pain to see her
bright face clouded and for me and I would go softly to her and say
»Whats the matter Dora«
Dora would look up hopelessly and reply »They wont come right They make
my head ache so And they wont do anything I want«
Then I would say »Now let us try together Let me show you Dora«
Then I would commence a practical demonstration to which Dora would pay
profound attention perhaps for five minutes when she would begin to be
dreadfully tired and would lighten the subject by curling my hair or trying
the effect of my face with my shirtcollar turned down If I tacitly checked
this playfulness and persisted she would look so scared and disconsolate as
she became more and more bewildered that the remembrance of her natural gaiety
when I first strayed into her path and of her being my childwife would come
reproachfully upon me and I would lay the pencil down and call for the guitar
I had a great deal of work to do and had many anxieties but the same
considerations made me keep them to myself I am far from sure now that it was
right to do this but I did it for my childwifes sake I search my breast and
I commit its secrets if I know them without any reservation to this paper The
old unhappy loss or want of something had I am conscious some place in my
heart but not to the embitterment of my life When I walked alone in the fine
weather and thought of the summer days when all the air had been filled with my
boyish enchantment I did miss something of the realisation of my dreams but I
thought it was a softened glory of the Past which nothing could have thrown
upon the present time I did feel sometimes for a little while that I could
have wished my wife had been my counsellor had had more character and purpose
to sustain me and improve me by had been endowed with power to fill up the
void which somewhere seemed to be about me but I felt as if this were an
unearthly consummation of my happiness that never had been meant to be and
never could have been
I was a boyish husband as to years I had known the softening influence of
no other sorrows or experiences than those recorded in these leaves If I did
any wrong as I may have done much I did it in mistaken love and in my want of
wisdom I write the exact truth It would avail me nothing to extenuate it now
Thus it was that I took upon myself the toils and cares of our life and had
no partner in them We lived much as before in reference to our scrambling
household arrangements but I had got used to those and Dora I was pleased to
see was seldom vexed now She was bright and cheerful in the old childish way
loved me dearly and was happy with her old trifles
When the debates were heavy I mean as to length not quality for in the
last respect they were not often otherwise and I went home late Dora would
never rest when she heard my footsteps but would always come downstairs to
meet me When my evenings were unoccupied by the pursuit for which I had
qualified myself with so much pains and I was engaged in writing at home she
would sit quietly near me however late the hour and be so mute that I would
often think she had dropped asleep But generally when I raised my head I saw
her blue eyes looking at me with the quiet attention of which I have already
spoken
»Oh what a weary boy« said Dora one night when I met her eyes as I was
shutting up my desk
»What a weary girl« said I »Thats more to the purpose You must go to bed
another time my love Its far too late for you«
»No dont send me to bed« pleaded Dora coming to my side »Pray dont do
that«
»Dora«
To my amazement she was sobbing on my neck
»Not well my dear not happy«
»Yes quite well and very happy« said Dora »But say youll let me stop
and see you write«
»Why what a sight for such bright eyes at midnight« I replied
»Are they bright though« returned Dora laughing »Im so glad theyre
bright«
»Little Vanity« said I
But it was not vanity it was only harmless delight in my admiration I knew
that very well before she told me so
»If you think them pretty say I may always stop and see you write« said
Dora »Do you think them pretty«
»Very pretty«
»Then let me always stop and see you write«
»I am afraid that wont improve their brightness Dora«
»Yes it will Because you clever boy youll not forget me then while you
are full of silent fancies Will you mind it if I say something very very
silly more than usual« inquired Dora peeping over my shoulder into my face
»What wonderful thing is that« said I
»Please let me hold the pens« said Dora »I want to have something to do
with all those many hours when you are so industrious May I hold the pens«
The remembrance of her pretty joy when I said Yes brings tears into my
eyes The next time I sat down to write and regularly afterwards she sat in
her old place with a spare bundle of pens at her side Her triumph in this
connexion with my work and her delight when I wanted a new pen which I very
often feigned to do suggested to me a new way of pleasing my childwife I
occasionally made a pretence of wanting a page or two of manuscript copied Then
Dora was in her glory The preparations she made for this great work the aprons
she put on the bibs she borrowed from the kitchen to keep off the ink the time
she took the innumerable stoppages she made to have a laugh with Jip as if he
understood it all her conviction that her work was incomplete unless she signed
her name at the end and the way in which she would bring it to me like a
schoolcopy and then when I praised it clasp me round the neck are touching
recollections to me simple as they might appear to other men
She took possession of the keys soon after this and went jingling about the
house with the whole bunch in a little basket tied to her slender waist I
seldom found that the places to which they belonged were locked or that they
were of any use except as a plaything for Jip but Dora was pleased and that
pleased me She was quite satisfied that a good deal was effected by this
makebelief of housekeeping and was as merry as if we had been keeping a
babyhouse for a joke
So we went on Dora was hardly less affectionate to my aunt than to me and
often told her of the time when she was afraid she was a cross old thing I
never saw my aunt unbend more systematically to any one She courted Jip though
Jip never responded listened day after day to the guitar though I am afraid
she had no taste for music never attacked the Incapables though the temptation
must have been severe went wonderful distances on foot to purchase as
surprises any trifles that she found out Dora wanted and never came in by the
garden and missed her from the room but she would call out at the foot of the
stairs in a voice that sounded cheerfully all over the house
»Wheres Little Blossom«
Chapter XLV
Mr Dick Fulfils My Aunts Predictions
It was some time now since I had left the Doctor Living in his neighbourhood
I saw him frequently and we all went to his house on two or three occasions to
dinner or tea The Old Soldier was in permanent quarters under the Doctors roof
She was exactly the same as ever and the same immortal butterflies hovered over
her cap
Like some other mothers whom I have known in the course of my life Mrs
Markleham was far more fond of pleasure than her daughter was She required a
great deal of amusement and like a deep old soldier pretended in consulting
her own inclinations to be devoting herself to her child The Doctors desire
that Annie should be entertained was therefore particularly acceptable to this
excellent parent who expressed unqualified approval of his discretion
I have no doubt indeed that she probed the Doctors wound without knowing
it Meaning nothing but a certain matured frivolity and selfishness not always
inseparable from fullblown years I think she confirmed him in his fear that he
was a constraint upon his young wife and that there was no congeniality of
feeling between them by so strongly commending his design of lightening the
load of her life
»My dear soul« she said to him one day when I was present »you know there
is no doubt it would be a little pokey for Annie to be always shut up here«
The Doctor nodded his benevolent head
»When she comes to her mothers age« said Mrs Markleham with a flourish
of her fan »then itll be another thing You might put ME into a Jail with
genteel society and a rubber and I should never care to come out But I am not
Annie you know and Annie is not her mother«
»Surely surely« said the Doctor
»You are the best of creatures no I beg your pardon« for the Doctor made
a gesture of deprecation »I must say before your face as I always say behind
your back you are the best of creatures but of course you dont now do you
enter into the same pursuits and fancies as Annie«
»No« said the Doctor in a sorrowful tone
»No of course not« retorted the Old Soldier »Take your Dictionary for
example. What a useful work a Dictionary is What a necessary work The meanings
of words Without Doctor Johnson or somebody of that sort we might have been
at this present moment calling an Italianiron a bedstead But we cant expect a
Dictionary especially when its making to interest Annie can we«
The Doctor shook his head
»And thats why I so much approve« said Mrs Markleham tapping him on the
shoulder with her shutup fan »of your thoughtfulness It shows that you dont
expect as many elderly people do expect old heads on young shoulders You have
studied Annies character and you understand it Thats what I find so
charming«
Even the calm and patient face of Doctor Strong expressed some little sense
of pain I thought under the infliction these compliments
»Therefore my dear Doctor« said the Soldier giving him several
affectionate taps »you may command me at all times and seasons Now do
understand that I am entirely at your service I am ready to go with Annie to
operas concerts exhibitions all kinds of places and you shall never find
that I am tired Duty my dear Doctor before every consideration in the
universe«
She was as good as her word She was one of those people who can bear a
great deal of pleasure and she never flinched in her perseverance in the cause
She seldom got hold of the newspaper which she settled herself down in the
softest chair in the house to read through an eyeglass every day for two
hours but she found out something that she was certain Annie would like to
see It was in vain for Annie to protest that she was weary of such things Her
mothers remonstrance always was »Now my dear Annie I am sure you know
better and I must tell you my love that you are not making a proper return
for the kindness of Doctor Strong«
This was usually said in the Doctors presence and appeared to me to
constitute Annies principal inducement for withdrawing her objections when she
made any But in general she resigned herself to her mother and went where the
Old Soldier would
It rarely happened now that Mr Maldon accompanied them Sometimes my aunt
and Dora were invited to do so and accepted the invitation Sometimes Dora only
was asked The time had been when I should have been uneasy in her going but
reflection on what had passed that former night in the Doctors study had made
a change in my mistrust I believed that the Doctor was right and I had no
worse suspicions
My aunt rubbed her nose sometimes when she happened to be alone with me and
said she couldnt make it out she wished they were happier she didnt think
our military friend so she always called the Old Soldier mended the matter at
all My aunt further expressed her opinion »that if our military friend would
cut off those butterflies and give em to the chimneysweepers for Mayday it
would look like the beginning of something sensible on her part«
But her abiding reliance was on Mr Dick That man had evidently an idea in
his head she said and if he could only once pen it up into a corner which was
his great difficulty he would distinguish himself in some extraordinary manner
Unconscious of this prediction Mr Dick continued occupy precisely the same
ground in reference to the Doctor and to Mrs Strong He seemed neither to
advance nor to recede He appeared to have settled into his original foundation
like a building and I must confess that my faith his ever moving was not much
greater than if he had been a building
But one night when I had been married some months Mr Dick put his head
into the parlour where I was writing alone Dora having gone out with my aunt
to take tea with the two little birds and said with a significant cough
»You couldnt speak to me without inconveniencing yourself Trotwood I am
afraid«
»Certainly Mr Dick« said I »come in«
»Trotwood« said Mr Dick laying his finger on the side of his nose after
he had shaken hands with me »Before I sit down I wish to make an observation
You know your aunt«
»A little« I replied
»She is the most wonderful woman in the world sir«
After the delivery of this communication which he shot out of himself as if
he were loaded with it Mr Dick sat down with greater gravity than usual and
looked at me
»Now boy« said Mr Dick »I am going to put a question to you«
»As many as you please« said I
»What do you consider me sir« asked Mr Dick folding his arms
»A dear old friend« said I
»Thank you Trotwood« returned Mr Dick laughing and reaching across in
high glee to shake hands with me »But I mean boy« resuming his gravity »what
do you consider me in this respect« touching his forehead
I was puzzled how to answer but he helped me with a word
»Weak« said Mr Dick
»Well« I replied dubiously »Rather so«
»Exactly« cried Mr Dick who seemed quite enchanted by my reply »That is
Trotwood when they took some of the trouble out of youknowwhos head and put
it you know where there was a « Mr Dick made his two hands revolve very fast
about each other a great number of times and then brought them into collision
and rolled them over and over one another, to express confusion »There was that
sort of thing done to me somehow Eh«
I nodded at him and he nodded back again
»In short boy« said Mr Dick dropping his voice to a whisper »I am
simple«
I would have qualified that conclusion but he stopped me
»Yes I am She pretends I am not She wont hear of it but I am I know I
am If she hadnt stood my friend sir I should have been shut up to lead a
dismal life these many years But Ill provide for her I never spend the
copying money I put it in a box I have made a will Ill leave it all to her
She shall be rich noble«
Mr Dick took out his pockethandkerchief and wiped his eyes He then
folded it up with great care pressed it smooth between his two hands put it in
his pocket and seemed to put my aunt away with it
»Now you are a scholar Trotwood« said Mr Dick »You are a fine scholar
You know what a learned man what a great man the Doctor is You know what
honour he has always done me Not proud in his wisdom Humble humble
condescending even to poor Dick who is simple and knows nothing I have sent
his name up on a scrap of paper to the kite along the string when it has
been in the sky among the larks The kite has been glad to receive it sir and
the sky has been brighter with it«
I delighted him by saying most heartily that the Doctor was deserving of
our best respect and highest esteem
»And his beautiful wife is a star« said Mr Dick »A shining star I have
seen her shine sir But« bringing his chair nearer and laying one hand upon
my knee »clouds sir clouds«
I answered the solicitude which his face expressed by conveying the same
expression into my own and shaking my head
»What clouds« said Mr Dick
He looked so wistfully into my face and was so anxious to understand that
I took great pains to answer him slowly and distinctly as I might have entered
on an explanation to a child
»There is some unfortunate division between them« I replied »Some unhappy
cause of separation A secret It may be inseparable from the discrepancy in
their years It may have grown up out of almost nothing«
Mr Dick who told off every sentence with a thoughtful nod paused when I
had done and sat considering with his eyes upon my face and his hand upon my
knee
»Doctor not angry with her Trotwood« he said after some time
»No Devoted to her«
»Then I have got it boy« said Mr Dick
The sudden exultation with which he slapped me on the knee and leaned back
in his chair with his eyebrows lifted up as high as he could possibly lift
them made me think him farther out of his wits than ever He became as suddenly
grave again and leaning forward as before said first respectfully taking out
his pockethandkerchief as if it really did represent my aunt
»Most wonderful woman in the world Trotwood Why has she done nothing to
set things right«
»Too delicate and difficult a subject for such interference« I replied
»Fine scholar« said Mr Dick touching me with his finger »Why has he done
nothing«
»For the same reason« I returned
»Then I have got it boy« said Mr Dick And he stood up before me more
exultingly than before nodding his head and striking himself repeatedly upon
the breast until one might have supposed that he had nearly nodded and struck
all the breath out of his body
»A poor fellow with a craze sir« said Mr Dick »a simpleton a
weakminded person present company you know« striking himself again »may do
what wonderful people may not do Ill bring them together boy Ill try
Theyll not blame me Theyll not object to me Theyll not mind what I do if
its wrong Im only Mr Dick And who minds Dick Dicks nobody Whoo« He blew
a slight contemptuous breath as if he blew himself away
It was fortunate he had proceeded so far with his mystery for we heard the
coach stop at the little garden gate which brought my aunt and Dora home
»Not a word boy« he pursued in a whisper »leave all the blame with Dick
simple Dick mad Dick I have been thinking sir for some time that I was
getting it and now I have got it After what you have said to me I am sure I
have got it All right«
Not another word did Mr Dick utter on the subject but he made a very
telegraph of himself for the next halfhour to the great disturbance of my
aunts mind to enjoin inviolable secrecy on me
To my surprise I heard no more about it for some two or three weeks though
I was sufficiently interested in the result of his endeavours descrying a
strange gleam of good sense I say nothing of good feeling for that he always
exhibited in the conclusion to which he had come At last I began to believe
that in the flighty and unsettled state of his mind he had either forgotten
his intention or abandoned it
One fair evening when Dora was not inclined to go out my aunt and I
strolled up to the Doctors cottage It was autumn when there were no debates
to vex the evening air and I remember how the leaves smelt like our garden at
Blunderstone as we trod them under foot and how the old unhappy feeling
seemed to go by on the sighing wind
It was twilight when we reached the cottage Mrs Strong was just coming out
of the garden where Mr Dick yet lingered busy with his knife helping the
gardener to point some stakes The Doctor was engaged with some one in his
study but the visitor would be gone directly Mrs Strong said and begged us
to remain and see him We went into the drawingroom with her and sat down by
the darkening window There was never any ceremony about the visits of such old
friends and neighbours as we were
We had not sat here many minutes when Mrs Markleham who usually contrived
to be in a fuss about something came bustling in with her newspaper in her
hand and said out of breath »My goodness gracious Annie why didnt you tell
me there was some one in the Study«
»My dear mama« she quietly returned »how could know that you desired the
information«
»Desired the information« said Mrs Markleham sinking on the sofa »I
never had such a turn in all my life«
»Have you been to the Study then mama« asked Annie
»Been to the Study my dear« she returned emphatically »Indeed I have I
came upon the amiable creature if youll imagine my feelings Miss Trotwood
and David in the act of making his will«
Her daughter looked round from the window quickly
»In the act my dear Annie« repeated Mrs Markleham spreading the
newspaper on her lap like a tablecloth and patting her hands upon it »of
making his last Will and Testament The foresight and affection of the dear I
must tell you how it was I really must in justice to the darling for he is
nothing less tell you how it was Perhaps you know Miss Trotwood that there
is never a candle lighted in this house until ones eyes are literally falling
out of ones head with being stretched to read the paper And that there is not
a chair in this house in which a paper can be what I call read except one in
the Study This took me to the Study where I saw a light I opened the door In
company with the dear Doctor were two professional people evidently connected
with the law and they were all three standing at the table the darling Doctor
pen in hand This simply expresses then said the Doctor Annie my love attend
to the very words this simply expresses then gentlemen the confidence I have
in Mrs Strong and gives her all unconditionally One of the professional
people replied And gives her all unconditionally Upon that with the natural
feelings of a mother I said Good God I beg your pardon fell over the
doorstep and came away through the little back passage where the pantry is«
Mrs Strong opened the window and went out into the verandah where she
stood leaning against a pillar
»But now isnt it Miss Trotwood isnt it David invigorating« said Mrs
Markleham mechanically following her with her eyes »to find a man at Doctor
Strongs time of life with the strength of mind to do this kind of thing It
only shows how right I was I said to Annie when Doctor Strong paid a very
flattering visit to myself and made her the subject of a declaration and an
offer I said My dear there is no doubt whatever in my opinion with
reference to a suitable provision for you that Doctor Strong will do more than
he binds himself to do«
Here the bell rang and we heard the sound of the visitors feet as they
went out
»Its all over no doubt« said the Old Soldier after listening »the dear
creature has signed sealed and delivered and his minds at rest Well it may
be What a mind Annie my love I am going to the Study with my paper for I am
a poor creature without news Miss Trotwood David pray come and see the
Doctor«
I was conscious of Mr Dicks standing in the shadow of the room shutting
up his knife when we accompanied her to the Study and of my aunts rubbing her
nose violently by the way as a mild vent for her intolerance of our military
friend but who got first into the Study or how Mrs Markleham settled herself
in a moment in her easy chair or how my aunt and I came to be left together
near the door unless her eyes were quicker than mine and she held me back I
have forgotten if I ever knew But this I know that we saw the Doctor before
he saw us sitting at his table among the folio volumes in which he delighted
resting his head calmly on his hand That in the same moment we saw Mrs
Strong glide in pale and trembling That Mr Dick supported her on his arm
That he laid his other hand upon the Doctors arm causing him to look up with
an abstracted air That as the Doctor moved his head his wife dropped down on
one knee at his feet and with her hands imploringly lifted fixed upon his
face the memorable look I had never forgotten That at this sight Mrs Markleham
dropped the newspaper and stared more like a figurehead intended for a ship to
be called The Astonishment than anything else I can think of
The gentleness of the Doctors manner and surprise the dignity that mingled
with the supplicating attitude of his wife the amiable concern of Mr Dick and
the earnestness with which my aunt said to herself »That man mad«
triumphantly expressive of the misery from which she had saved him I see and
hear rather than remember as I write about it
»Doctor« said Mr Dick »What is it thats amiss Look here«
»Annie« cried the Doctor »Not at my feet my dear«
»Yes« she said »I beg and pray that no one will leave the room Oh my
husband and father break this long silence Let us both know what it is that
has come between us«
Mrs Markleham by this time recovering the power of speech and seeming to
swell with family pride and motherly indignation here exclaimed »Annie get up
immediately and dont disgrace everybody belonging to you by humbling yourself
like that unless you wish to see me go out of my mind on the spot«
»Mama« returned Annie »Waste no words on me for my appeal is to my
husband and even you are nothing here«
»Nothing« exclaimed Mrs Markleham »Me nothing The child has taken leave
of her senses Please to get me a glass of water«
I was too attentive to the Doctor and his wife to give any heed to this
request and it made no impression on anybody else so Mrs Markleham panted
stared and fanned herself
»Annie« said the Doctor tenderly taking her in his hands »My dear If any
unavoidable change has come in the sequence of time upon our married life you
are not to blame The fault is mine and only mine There is no change in my
affection admiration and respect I wish to make you happy I truly love and
honour you Rise Annie pray«
But she did not rise After looking at him for a little while she sank down
closer to him laid her arm across his knee and dropping her head upon it
said
»If I have any friend here who can speak one word for me or for my husband
in this matter if I have any friend here who can give a voice to any suspicion
that my heart has sometimes whispered to me if I have any friend here who
honours my husband or has ever cared for me and has anything within his
knowledge no matter what it is that may help to mediate between us I
implore that friend to speak«
There was a profound silence After a few moments of painful hesitation I
broke the silence
»Mrs Strong« I said »there is something within my knowledge which I have
been earnestly entreated by Doctor Strong to conceal and have concealed until
tonight But I believe the time has come when it would be mistaken faith and
delicacy to conceal it any longer and when your appeal absolves me from his
injunction«
She turned her face towards me for a moment and I knew that I was right I
could not have resisted its entreaty if the assurance that it gave me had been
less convincing
»Our future peace« she said »may he in your hands I trust it confidently
to your not suppressing anything I know beforehand that nothing you or any
one can tell me will show my husbands noble heart in any other light than
one Howsoever it may seem to you to touch me disregard that I will speak for
myself before him and before God afterwards«
Thus earnestly besought I made no reference to the Doctor for his
permission but without any other compromise of the truth than a little
softening of the coarseness of Uriah Heep related plainly what had passed in
that same room that night The staring of Mrs Markleham during the whole
narration and the shrill sharp interjections with which she occasionally
interrupted it defy description
When I had finished Annie remained for some few moments silent with her
head bent down as I have described Then she took the Doctors hand he was
sitting in the same attitude as when we had entered the room and pressed it to
her breast and kissed it Mr Dick softly raised her and she stood when she
began to speak leaning on him and looking down upon her husband from whom
she never turned her eyes
»All that has ever been in my mind since I was married« she said in a low
submissive tender voice »I will lay bare before you I could not live and have
one reservation knowing what I know now«
»Nay Annie« said the Doctor mildly »I have never doubted you my child
There is no need indeed there is no need my dear«
»There is great need« she answered in the same way »that I should open my
whole heart before the soul of generosity and truth whom year by year and day
by day I have loved and venerated more and more as Heaven knows«
»Really« interrupted Mrs Markleham »if I have any discretion at all «
»Which you havent you Marplot« observed my aunt in an indignant
whisper
» I must be permitted to observe that it cannot be requisite to enter into
these details«
»No one but my husband can judge of that mama« said Annie without
removing her eyes from his face »and he will hear me If I say anything to give
you pain mama forgive me I have borne pain first often and long myself«
»Upon my word« gasped Mrs Markleham
»When I was very young« said Annie »quite a little child my first
associations with knowledge of any kind were inseparable from a patient friend
and teacher the friend of my dead father who was always dear to me I can
remember nothing that I know without remembering him He stored my mind with
its first treasures and stamped his character upon them all They never could
have been I think as good as they have been to me if I had taken them from
any other hands«
»Makes her mother nothing« exclaimed Mrs Markleham
»Not so mama« said Annie »but I make him what he was I must do that As
I grew up he occupied the same place still I was proud of his interest
deeply fondly gratefully attached to him I looked up to him I can hardly
describe how as a father as a guide as one whose praise was different from
all other praise as one in whom I could have trusted and confided if I had
doubted all the world You know mama how young and inexperienced I was when
you presented him before me of a sudden as a lover«
»I have mentioned the fact fifty times at least to everybody here« said
Mrs Markleham
»Then hold your tongue for the Lords sake and dont mention it any
more« muttered my aunt
»It was so great a change so great a loss I felt it at first« said Annie
still preserving the same look and tone »that I was agitated and distressed I
was but a girl and when so great a change came in the character in which I had
so long looked up to him I think I was sorry But nothing could have made him
what he used to be again and I was proud that he should think me so worthy and
we were married«
» At Saint Alphage Canterbury« observed Mrs Markleham
»Confound the woman« said my aunt »she wont be quiet«
»I never thought« proceeded Annie with a heightened colour »of any
worldly gain that my husband would bring to me My young heart had no room in
its homage for any such poor reference Mama forgive me when I say that it was
you who first presented to my mind the thought that any one could wrong me and
wrong him by such a cruel suspicion«
»Me« cried Mrs Markleham
»Ah You to be sure« observed my aunt »and you cant fan it away my
military friend«
»It was the first unhappiness of my new life« said Annie »It was the first
occasion of every unhappy moment I have known These moments have been more of
late than I can count but not my generous husband not for the reason you
suppose for in my heart there is not a thought a recollection or a hope that
any power could separate from you«
She raised her eyes and clasped her hands and looked as beautiful and
true I thought as any Spirit The Doctor looked on her henceforth as
stedfastly as she on him
»Mama is blameless« she went on »of having ever urged you for herself and
she is blameless in intention every way I am sure but when I saw how many
importunate claims were pressed upon you in my name how you were traded on in
my name how generous you were and how Mr Wickfield who had your welfare very
much at heart resented it the first sense of my exposure to the mean suspicion
that my tenderness was bought and sold to you of all men on earth fell
upon me like unmerited disgrace in which I forced you to participate I cannot
tell you what it was mama cannot imagine what it was to have this dread and
trouble always on my mind yet know in my own soul that on my marriageday I
crowned the love and honour of my life«
»A specimen of the thanks one gets« cried Mrs Markleham in tears »for
taking care of ones family I wish I was a Turk«
»I wish you were with all my heart and in your native country« said my
aunt
»It was at that time that mama was most solicitous about my Cousin Maldon I
had liked him« she spoke softly but without any hesitation »very much We had
been little lovers once If circumstances had not happened otherwise I might
have come to persuade myself that I really loved him and might have married
him and been most wretched There can be no disparity in marriage like
unsuitability of mind and purpose«
I pondered on those words even while I was studiously attending to what
followed as if they had some particular interest or some strange application
that I could not divine »There can be no disparity in marriage like
unsuitability of mind and purpose« »no disparity in marriage like
unsuitability of mind and purpose«
»There is nothing« said Annie »that we have in common I have long found
that there is nothing If I were thankful to my husband for no more instead of
for so much I should be thankful to him for having saved me from the first
mistaken impulse of my undisciplined heart«
She stood quite still before the Doctor and spoke with an earnestness that
thrilled me Yet her voice was just as quiet as before
»When he was waiting to be the object of your munificence so freely
bestowed for my sake and when I was unhappy in the mercenary shape I was made
to wear I thought it would have become him better to have worked his own way
on I thought that if I had been he I would have tried to do it at the cost of
almost any hardship But I thought no worse of him until the night of his
departure for India That night I knew he had a false and thankless heart I saw
a double meaning then in Mr Wickfields scrutiny of me I perceived for the
first time the dark suspicion that shadowed my life«
»Suspicion Annie« said the Doctor »No no no«
»In your mind there was none I know my husband« she returned »And when I
came to you that night to lay down all my load of shame and grief and knew
that I had to tell that underneath your roof one of my own kindred to whom
you had been a benefactor for the love of me had spoken to me words that
should have found no utterance even if I had been the weak and mercenary wretch
he thought me my mind revolted from the taint the very tale conveyed It died
upon my lips and from that hour till now has never passed them«
Mrs Markleham with a short groan leaned back in her easy chair and
retired behind her fan as if she were never coming out any more
»I have never but in your presence interchanged a word with him from that
time then only when it has been necessary for the avoidance of this
explanation Years have passed since he knew from me what his situation here
was The kindnesses you have secretly done for his advancement and then
disclosed to me for my surprise and pleasure have been you will believe but
aggravations of the unhappiness and burden of my secret«
She sunk down gently at the Doctors feet though he did his utmost to
prevent her and said looking up tearfully into his face
»Do not speak to me yet Let me say a little more Right or wrong if this
were to be done again I think I should do just the same You never can know
what it was to be devoted to you with those old associations to find that any
one could be so hard as to suppose that the truth of my heart was bartered away
and to be surrounded by appearances confirming that belief I was very young
and had no adviser Between mama and me in all relating to you there was a
wide division If I shrunk into myself hiding the disrespect I had undergone
it was because I honoured you so much and so much wished that you should honour
me«
»Annie my pure heart« said the Doctor »my dear girl«
»A little more a very few words more I used to think there were so many
whom you might have married who would not have brought such charge and trouble
on you and who would have made your home a worthier home I used to be afraid
that I had better have remained your pupil and almost your child I used to
fear that I was so unsuited to your learning and wisdom If all this made me
shrink within myself as indeed it did when I had that to tell it was still
because I honoured you so much and hoped that you might one day honour me«
»That day has shone this long time Annie« said the Doctor »and can have
but one long night my dear«
»Another word I afterwards meant stedfastly meant and purposed to myself
to bear the whole weight of knowing the unworthiness of one to whom you had
been so good And now a last word dearest and best of friends The cause of the
late change in you which I have seen with so much pain and sorrow and have
sometimes referred to my old apprehension at other times to lingering
suppositions nearer to the truth has been made clear tonight and by an
accident I have also come to know tonight the full measure of your noble
trust in me even under that mistake I do not hope that any love and duty I may
render in return will ever make me worthy of your priceless confidence but
with all this knowledge fresh upon me I can lift my eyes to this dear face
revered as a fathers loved as a husbands sacred to me in my childhood as a
friends and solemnly declare that in my lightest thought I had never wronged
you never wavered in the love and the fidelity I owe you«
She had her arms around the Doctors neck and he leant his head down over
her mingling his grey hair with her dark brown tresses
»Oh hold me to your heart my husband Never cast me out Do not think or
speak of disparity between us for there is none except in all my many
imperfections Every succeeding year I have known this better as I have
esteemed you more and more Oh take me to your heart my husband for my love
was founded on a rock and it endures«
In the silence that ensued my aunt walked gravely up to Mr Dick without
at all hurrying herself and gave him a hug and a sounding kiss And it was very
fortunate with a view to his credit that she did so for I am confident that I
detected him at that moment in the act of making preparations to stand on one
leg as an appropriate expression of delight
»You are a very remarkable man Dick« said my aunt with an air of
unqualified approbation »and never pretend to be anything else for I know
better«
With that my aunt pulled him by the sleeve and nodded to me and we three
stole quietly out of the room and came away
»Thats a settler for our military friend at any rate« said my aunt on
the way home »I should sleep the better for that if there was nothing else to
be glad of«
»She was quite overcome I am afraid« said Mr Dick with great
commiseration
»What Did you ever see a crocodile overcome« inquired my aunt
»I dont think I ever saw a crocodile« returned Mr Dick mildly
»There never would have been anything the matter if it hadnt been for that
old Animal« said my aunt with strong emphasis »Its very much to be wished
that some mothers would leave their daughters alone after marriage and not be
so violently affectionate They seem to think the only return that can be made
them for bringing an unfortunate young woman into the world God bless my soul
as if she asked to be brought or wanted to come is full liberty to worry her
out of it again What are you thinking of Trot«
I was thinking of all that had been said My mind was still running on some
of the expressions used »There can be no disparity in marriage like
unsuitability of mind and purpose« »The first mistaken impulse of an
undisciplined heart« »My love was founded on a rock« But we were at home and
the trodden leaves were lying underfoot and the autumn wind was blowing
Chapter XLVI
Intelligence
I must have been married if I may trust to my imperfect memory for dates about
a year or so when one evening as I was returning from a solitary walk
thinking of the book I was then writing for my success had steadily increased
with my steady application and I was engaged at that time upon my first work of
fiction I came past Mrs Steerforths house I had often passed it before
during my residence in that neighbourhood though never when I could choose
another road Howbeit it did sometimes happen that it was not easy to find
another without making a long circuit and so I had passed that way upon the
whole pretty often
I had never done more than glance at the house as I went by with a
quickened step It had been uniformly gloomy and dull None of the best rooms
abutted on the road and the narrow heavilyframed oldfashioned windows never
cheerful under any circumstances looked very dismal close shut and with their
blinds always drawn down There was a covered way across a little paved court
to an entrance that was never used and there was one round staircase window at
odds with all the rest and the only one unshaded by a blind which had the same
unoccupied blank look I do not remember that I ever saw a light in all the
house If I had been a casual passerby I should have probably supposed that
some childless person lay dead in it If I had happily possessed no knowledge of
the place and had seen it often in that changeless state I should have pleased
my fancy with many ingenious speculations I dare say
As it was I thought as little of it as I might But my mind could not go by
it and leave it as my body did and it usually awakened a long train of
meditations Coming before me on this particular evening that I mention mingled
with the childish recollections and later fancies the ghosts of halfformed
hopes the broken shadows of disappointments dimly seen and understood the
blending of experience and imagination incidental to the occupation with which
my thoughts had been busy it was more than commonly suggestive I fell into a
brown study as I walked on and a voice at my side made me start
It was a womans voice too I was not long in recollecting Mrs
Steerforths little parlourmaid who had formerly worn blue ribbons in her cap
She had taken them out now to adapt herself I suppose to the altered
character of the house and wore but one or two disconsolate bows of sober
brown
»If you please sir would you have the goodness to walk in and speak to
Miss Dartle«
»Has Miss Dartle sent you for me« I inquired
»Not tonight sir but its just the same Miss Dartle saw you pass a night
or two ago and I was to sit at work on the staircase and when I saw you pass
again to ask you to step in and speak to her«
I turned back and inquired of my conductor as we went along how Mrs
Steerforth was She said her lady was but poorly and kept her own room a good
deal
When we arrived at the house I was directed to Miss Dartle in the garden
and left to make my presence known to her myself She was sitting on a seat at
one end of a kind of terrace overlooking the great city It was a sombre
evening with a lurid light in the sky and as I saw the prospect scowling in
the distance with here and there some larger object starting up into the sullen
glare I fancied it was no inapt companion to the memory of this fierce woman
She saw me as I advanced and rose for a moment to receive me I thought
her then still more colourless and thin than when I had seen her last the
flashing eyes still brighter and the scar still plainer
Our meeting was not cordial We had parted angrily on the last occasion and
there was an air of disdain about her which she took no pains to conceal
»I am told you wish to speak to me Miss Dartle« said I standing near her
with my hand upon the back of the seat and declining her gesture of invitation
to sit down
»If you please« said she »Pray has this girl been found«
»No«
»And yet she has run away«
I saw her thin lips working while she looked at me as if they were eager to
load her with reproaches
»Run away« I repeated
»Yes From him« she said with a laugh »If she is not found perhaps she
never will be found She may be dead«
The vaunting cruelty with which she met my glance I never saw expressed in
any other face that ever I have seen
»To wish her dead« said I »may be the kindest wish that one of her own sex
could bestow upon her I am glad that time has softened you so much Miss
Dartle«
She condescended to make no reply but turning on me with another scornful
laugh said
»The friends of this excellent and muchinjured young lady are friends of
yours You are their champion and assert their rights Do you wish to know what
is known of her«
»Yes« said I
She rose with an illfavoured smile and taking a few steps towards a wall
of holly that was near at hand dividing the lawn from a kitchengarden said
in a louder voice »Come here« as if she were calling to some unclean beast
»You will restrain any demonstrative championship or vengeance in this
place of course Mr Copperfield« said she looking over her shoulder at me
with the same expression
I inclined my head without knowing what she meant and she said »Come
here« again and returned followed by the respectable Mr Littimer who with
undiminished respectability made me a bow and took up his position behind her
The air of wicked grace of triumph in which strange to say there was yet
something feminine and alluring with which she reclined upon the seat between
us and looked at me was worthy of a cruel Princess in a Legend
»Now« said she imperiously without glancing at him and touching the old
wound as it throbbed perhaps in this instance with pleasure rather than pain
»Tell Mr Copperfield about the flight«
»Mr James and myself maam «
»Dont address yourself to me« she interrupted with a frown
»Mr James and myself sir «
»Nor to me if you please« said I
Mr Littimer without being at all discomposed signified by a slight
obeisance that anything that was most agreeable to us was most agreeable to
him and began again
»Mr James and myself have been abroad with the young woman ever since she
left Yarmouth under Mr Jamess protection We have been in a variety of places
and seen a deal of foreign country We have been in France Switzerland Italy
in fact almost all parts«
He looked at the back of the seat as if he were addressing himself to that
and softly played upon it with his hands as if he were striking chords upon a
dumb piano
»Mr James took quite uncommonly to the young woman and was more settled
for a length of time than I have known him to be since I have been in his
service The young woman was very improvable and spoke the languages and
wouldnt have been known for the same countryperson I noticed that she was
much admired wherever we went«
Miss Dartle put her hand upon her side I saw him steal a glance at her and
slightly smile to himself
»Very much admired indeed the young woman was What with her dress what
with the air and sun what with being made so much of what with this that and
the other her merits really attracted general notice«
He made a short pause Her eyes wandered restlessly over the distant
prospect and she bit her nether lip to stop that busy mouth
Taking his hands from the seat and placing one of them within the other as
he settled himself on one leg Mr Littimer proceeded with his eyes cast down
and his respectable head a little advanced and a little on one side
»The young woman went on in this manner for some time being occasionally
low in her spirits until I think she began to weary Mr James by giving way to
her low spirits and tempers of that kind and things were not so comfortable
Mr James he began to be restless again The more restless he got the worse she
got and I must say for myself that I had a very difficult time of it indeed
between the two Still matters were patched up here and made good there over
and over again and altogether lasted I am sure for a longer time than anybody
could have expected«
Recalling her eyes from the distance she looked at me again now with her
former air Mr Littimer clearing his throat behind his hand with a respectable
short cough changed legs and went on
»At last when there had been upon the whole a good many words and
reproaches Mr James he set off one morning from the neighbourhood of Naples
where we had a villa the young woman being very partial to the sea and under
pretence of coming back in a day or so left it in charge with me to break it
out that for the general happiness of all concerned he was« here an
interruption of the short cough »gone But Mr James I must say certainly
did behave extremely honourable for he proposed that the young woman should
marry a very respectable person who was fully prepared to overlook the past
and who was at least as good as anybody the young woman could have aspired to
in a regular way her connexions being very common«
He changed legs again and wetted his lips I was convinced that the
scoundrel spoke of himself and I saw my conviction reflected in Miss Dartles
face
»This I also had it in charge to communicate I was willing to do anything
to relieve Mr James from his difficulty and to restore harmony between himself
and an affectionate parent who has undergone so much on his account Therefore
I undertook the commission The young womans violence when she came to after I
broke the fact of his departure was beyond all expectations She was quite mad
and had to be held by force or if she couldnt have got to a knife or got to
the sea shed have beaten her head against the marble floor«
Miss Dartle leaning back upon the seat with a light of exultation in her
face seemed almost to caress the sounds this fellow had uttered
»But when I came to the second part of what had been entrusted to me« said
Mr Littimer rubbing his hands uneasily »which anybody might have supposed
would have been at all events appreciated as a kind intention then the young
woman came out in her true colours A more outrageous person I never did see
Her conduct was surprisingly bad She had no more gratitude no more feeling no
more patience no more reason in her than a stock or a stone If I hadnt been
upon my guard I am convinced she would have had my blood«
»I think the better of her for it« said I indignantly
Mr Littimer bent his head as much as to say »Indeed sir But youre
young« and resumed his narrative
»It was necessary in short for a time to take away everything nigh her
that she could do herself or anybody else an injury with and to shut her up
close Notwithstanding which she got out in the night forced the lattice of a
window that I had nailed up myself dropped on a vine that was trailed below
and never has been seen or heard of to my knowledge since«
»She is dead perhaps« said Miss Dartle with a smile as if she could have
spurned the body of the ruined girl
»She may have drowned herself miss« returned Mr Littimer catching at an
excuse for addressing himself to somebody »Its very possible Or she may have
had assistance from the boatmen and the boatmens wives and children Being
given to low company she was very much in the habit of talking to them on the
beach Miss Dartle and sitting by their boats I have known her do it when Mr
James has been away whole days Mr James was far from pleased to find out
once that she had told the children she was a boatmans daughter and that in
her own country long ago she had roamed about the beach like them«
Oh Emily Unhappy beauty What a picture rose before me of her sitting on
the faroff shore among the children like herself when she was innocent
listening to little voices such as might have called her Mother had she been a
poor mans wife and to the great voice of the sea with its eternal »Never
more«
»When it was clear that nothing could be done Miss Dartle «
»Did I tell you not to speak to me« she said with stern contempt
»You spoke to me miss« he replied »I beg your pardon But it is my
service to obey«
»Do your service« she returned »Finish your story and go«
»When it was clear« he said with infinite respectability and an obedient
bow »that she was not to be found I went to Mr James at the place where it
had been agreed that I should write to him and informed him of what had
occurred Words passed between us in consequence and I felt it due to my
character to leave him I could bear and I have borne a great deal from Mr
James but he insulted me too far He hurt me Knowing the unfortunate
difference between himself and his mother and what her anxiety of mind was
likely to be I took the liberty of coming home to England and relating «
»For money which I paid him« said Miss Dartle to me
»Just so maam and relating what I knew I am not aware« said Mr
Littimer after a moments reflection »that there is anything else I am at
present out of employment and should be happy to meet with a respectable
situation«
Miss Dartle glanced at me as though she would inquire if there were
anything that I desired to ask As there was something which had occurred to my
mind I said in reply
»I could wish to know from this creature« I could not bring myself to
utter any more conciliatory word »whether they intercepted a letter that was
written to her from home or whether he supposes that she received it«
He remained calm and silent with his eyes fixed on the ground and the tip
of every finger of his right hand delicately poised against the tip of every
finger of his left
Miss Dartle turned her head disdainfully towards him
»I beg your pardon miss« he said awakening from his abstraction »but
however submissive to you I have my position though a servant Mr Copperfield
and you miss are different people If Mr Copperfield wishes to know anything
from me I take the liberty of reminding Mr Copperfield that he can put a
question to me I have a character to maintain«
After a momentary struggle with myself I turned my eyes upon him and said
»You have heard my question Consider it addressed to yourself if you choose
What answer do you make«
»Sir« he rejoined with an occasional separation and reunion of those
delicate tips »my answer must be qualified because to betray Mr Jamess
confidence to his mother and to betray it to you are two different actions It
is not probable I consider that Mr James would encourage the receipt of
letters likely to increase low spirits and unpleasantness but further than
that sir I should wish to avoid going«
»Is that all« inquired Miss Dartle of me
I indicated that I had nothing more to say »Except« I added as I saw him
moving off »that I understand this fellows part in the wicked story and that
as I shall make it known to the honest man who has been her father from her
childhood I would recommend him to avoid going too much into public«
He had stopped the moment I began and had listened with his usual repose of
manner
»Thank you sir But youll excuse me if I say sir that there are neither
slaves nor slavedrivers in this country and that people are not allowed to
take the law into their own hands If they do it is more to their own peril I
believe than to other peoples Consequently speaking I am not at all afraid
of going wherever I may wish sir«
With that he made a polite bow and with another to Miss Dartle went away
through the arch in the wall of holly by which he had come Miss Dartle and I
regarded each other for a little while in silence her manner being exactly what
it was when she had produced the man
»He says besides« she observed with a slow curling of her lip »that his
master as he hears is coasting Spain and this done is away to gratify his
seafaring tastes till he is weary But this is of no interest to you Between
these two proud persons mother and son there is a wider breach than before
and little hope of its healing for they are one at heart and time makes each
more obstinate and imperious Neither is this of any interest to you but it
introduces what I wish to say This devil whom you make an angel of I mean this
low girl whom he picked out of the tidemud« with her black eyes full upon me
and her passionate finger up »may be alive for I believe some common things
are hard to die If she is you will desire to have a pearl of such price found
and taken care of We desire that too that he may not by any chance be made
her prey again So far we are united in one interest and that is why I who
would do her any mischief that so coarse a wretch is capable of feeling have
sent for you to hear what you have heard«
I saw by the change in her face that some one was advancing behind me It
was Mrs Steerforth who gave me her hand more coldly than of yore and with an
augmentation of her former stateliness of manner but still I perceived and I
was touched by it with an ineffaceable remembrance of my old love for her son
She was greatly altered Her fine figure was far less upright her handsome face
was deeply marked and her hair was almost white But when she sat down on the
seat she was a handsome lady still and well I knew the bright eye with its
lofty look that had been a light in my very dreams at school
»Is Mr Copperfield informed of everything Rosa«
»Yes«
»And has he heard Littimer himself«
»Yes I have told him why you wished it«
»You are a good girl I have had some slight correspondence with your former
friend sir« addressing me »but it has not restored his sense of duty or
natural obligation Therefore I have no other object in this than what Rosa has
mentioned If by the course which may relieve the mind of the decent man you
brought here for whom I am sorry I can say no more my son may be saved from
again falling into the snares of a designing enemy well«
She drew herself up and sat looking straight before her far away
»Madam« I said respectfully »I understand I assure you I am in no danger
of putting any strained construction on your motives But I must say even to
you having known this injured family from childhood that if you suppose the
girl so deeply wronged has not been cruelly deluded and would not rather die
a hundred deaths than take a cup of water from your sons hand now you cherish
a terrible mistake«
»Well Rosa well« said Mrs Steerforth as the other was about to
interpose »it is no matter Let it be You are married sir I am told«
I answered that I had been some time married
»And are doing well I hear little in the quiet life I lead but I
understand you are beginning to be famous«
»I have been very fortunate« I said »and find my name connected with some
praise«
»You have no mother« in a softened voice
»No«
»It is a pity« she returned »She would have been proud of you Good
night«
I took the hand she held out with a dignified unbending air and it was as
calm in mine as if her breast had been at peace Her pride could still its very
pulses it appeared and draw the placid veil before her face through which she
sat looking straight before her on the far distance
As I moved away from them along the terrace I could not help observing how
steadily they both sat gazing on the prospect and how it thickened and closed
around them Here and there some early lamps were seen to twinkle in the
distant city and in the eastern quarter of the sky the lurid light still
hovered But from the greater part of the broad valley interposed a mist was
rising like a sea which mingling with the darkness made it seem as if the
gathering waters would encompass them I have reason to remember this and think
of it with awe for before I looked upon those two again a stormy sea had risen
to their feet
Reflecting on what had been thus told me I felt it right that it should be
communicated to Mr Peggotty On the following evening I went into London in
quest of him He was always wandering about from place to place with his one
object of recovering his niece before him but was more in London than
elsewhere Often and often now had I seen him in the dead of night passing
along the streets searching among the few who loitered out of doors at those
untimely hours for what he dreaded to find
He kept a lodging over the little chandlers shop in Hungerford Market
which I have had occasion to mention more than once and from which he first
went forth upon his errand of mercy Hither I directed my walk On making
inquiry for him I learned from the people of the house that he had not gone out
yet and I should find him in his room upstairs
He was sitting reading by a window in which he kept a few plants The room
was very neat and orderly I saw in a moment that it was always kept prepared
for her reception and that he never went out but he thought it possible he
might bring her home He had not heard my tap at the door and only raised his
eyes when I laid my hand upon his shoulder
»Masr Davy Thankee sir thankee hearty for this visit Sit ye down
Youre kindly welcome sir«
»Mr Peggotty« said I taking the chair he handed me »dont expect much I
have heard some news«
»Of Emly«
He put his hand in a nervous manner on his mouth and turned pale as he
fixed his eyes on mine
»It gives no clue to where she is but she is not with him«
He sat down looking intently at me and listened in profound silence to all
I had to tell I well remember the sense of dignity beauty even with which the
patient gravity of his face impressed me when having gradually removed his
eyes from mine he sat looking downward leaning his forehead on his hand He
offered no interruption but remained throughout perfectly still He seemed to
pursue her figure through the narrative and to let every other shape go by him
as if it were nothing
When I had done he shaded his face and continued silent I looked out of
the window for a little while and occupied myself with the plants
»How do you fare to feel about it Masr Davy« he inquired at length
»I think that she is living« I replied
»I doent know Maybe the first shock was too rough and in the wildness of
her art That there blue water as she used to speak on Could she have thowt
o that so many year because it was to be her grave«
He said this musing in a low frightened voice and walked across the
little room
»And yet« he added »Masr Davy I have felt so sure as she was living I
have knowd awake and sleeping as it was so trew that I should find her I
have been so led on by it and held up by it that I doent believe I can have
been deceived No Emlys alive«
He put his hand down firmly on the table and set his sunburnt face into a
resolute expression
»My niece Emly is alive sir« he said stedfastly »I doent know wheer
it comes from or how tis but I am told as shes alive«
He looked almost like a man inspired as he said it I waited for a few
moments until he could give me his undivided attention and then proceeded to
explain the precaution that it had occurred to me last night it would be wise
to take
»Now my dear friend « I began
»Thankee thankee kind sir« he said grasping my hand in both of his
»If she should make her way to London which is likely for where could she
lose herself so readily as in this vast city and what would she wish to do but
lose and hide herself if she does not go home «
»And she wont go home« he interposed shaking his head mournfully »If she
had left of her own accord she might not as t was sir«
»If she should come here« said I »I believe there is one person here
more likely to discover her than any other in the world Do you remember hear
what I say with fortitude think of your great object do you remember
Martha«
»Of our town«
I needed no other answer than his face
»Do you know that she is in London«
»I have seen her in the streets« he answered with a shiver
»But you dont know« said I »that Emily was charitable to her with Hams
help long before she fled from home Nor that when we met one night and
spoke together in the room yonder over the way she listened at the door«
»Masr Davy« he replied in astonishment »That night when it snew so hard«
»That night I have never seen her since I went back after parting from
you to speak to her but she was gone I was unwilling to mention her to you
then and I am now but she is the person of whom I speak and with whom I think
we should communicate Do you understand«
»Too well sir« he replied We had sunk our voices almost to a whisper
and continued to speak in that tone
»You say you have seen her Do you think that you could find her I could
only hope to do so by chance«
»I think Masr Davy I know wheer to look«
»It is dark Being together shall we go out now and try to find her
tonight«
He assented and prepared to accompany me Without appearing to observe what
he was doing I saw how carefully he adjusted the little room put a candle
ready and the means of lighting it arranged the bed and finally took out of a
drawer one of her dresses I remember to have seen her wear it neatly folded
with some other garments and a bonnet which he placed upon a chair He made no
allusion to these clothes neither did I There they had been waiting for her
many and many a night no doubt
»The time was Masr Davy« he said as we came downstairs »when I thowt
this girl Martha amost like the dirt underneath my Emlys feet God forgive
me theres a difference now«
As we went along partly to hold him in conversation and partly to satisfy
myself I asked him about Ham He said almost in the same words as formerly
that Ham was just the same »wearing away his life with kiender no care nohow
for t but never murmuring and liked by all«
I asked him what he thought Hams state of mind was in reference to the
cause of their misfortunes Whether he believed it was dangerous What he
supposed for example, Ham would do if he and Steerforth ever should encounter
»I doent know sir« he replied »I have thowt of it oftentimes but I
cant arrize myself of it no matters«
I recalled to his remembrance the morning after her departure when we were
all three on the beach »Do you recollect« said I »a certain wild way in which
he looked out to sea and spoke about the end of it«
»Sure I do« said he
»What do you suppose he meant«
»Masr Davy« he replied »Ive put the question to myself a mort o times
and never found no answer And theers one curious thing that though he is so
pleasant I wouldnt fare to feel comfortable to try and get his mind upon t
He never said a wured to me as warnt as dootiful as dootiful could be and it
aint likely as hed begin to speak any other ways now but its fur from being
fleet water in his mind where them thowts lays Its deep sir and I cant see
down«
»You are right« said I »and that has sometimes made me anxious«
»And me too Masr Davy« he rejoined »Even more so I do assure you than
his ventersome ways though both belongs to the alteration in him I doent know
as hed do violence under any circumstances but I hope as them two may be kep
asunders«
We had come through Temple Bar into the city Conversing no more now and
walking at my side he yielded himself up to the one aim of his devoted life
and went on with that hushed concentration of his faculties which would have
made his figure solitary in a multitude We were not far from Blackfriars
Bridge when he turned his head and pointed to a solitary female figure flitting
along the opposite side of the street I knew it readily to be the figure that
we sought
We crossed the road and were pressing on towards her when it occurred to
me that she might be more disposed to feel a womans interest in the lost girl
if we spoke to her in a quieter place aloof from the crowd and where we should
be less observed I advised my companion therefore that we should not address
her yet but follow her consulting in this likewise an indistinct desire I
had to know where she went
He acquiescing we followed at a distance never losing sight of her but
never caring to come very near as she frequently looked about Once she stopped
to listen to a band of music and then we stopped too
She went on a long way Still we went on It was evident from the manner in
which she held her course that she was going to some fixed destination and
this and her keeping in the busy streets and I suppose the strange fascination
in the secrecy and mystery of so following any one made me adhere to my first
purpose At length she turned into a dull dark street where the noise and
crowd were lost and I said »We may speak to her now« and mending our pace
we went after her
Chapter XLVII
Martha
We were now down in Westminster We had turned back to follow her having
encountered her coming towards us and Westminster Abbey was the point at which
she passed from the lights and noise of the leading streets She proceeded so
quickly when she got free of the two currents of passengers setting towards and
from the bridge that between this and the advance she had of us when she
struck off we were in the narrow waterside street by Millbank before we came
up with her At that moment she crossed the road as if to avoid the footsteps
that she heard so close behind and without looking back passed on even more
rapidly
A glimpse of the river through a dull gateway where some waggons were
housed for the night seemed to arrest my feet I touched my companion without
speaking and we both forbore to cross after her and both followed on that
opposite side of the way keeping as quietly as we could in the shadow of the
houses but keeping very near her
There was and is when I write at the end of that lowlying street a
dilapidated little wooden building probably an obsolete old ferryhouse Its
position is just at that point where the street ceases and the road begins to
lie between a row of houses and the river As soon as she came here and saw the
water she stopped as if she had come to her destination and presently went
slowly along by the brink of the river looking intently at it
All the way here I had supposed that she was going to some house indeed I
had vaguely entertained the hope that the house might be in some way associated
with the lost girl But that one dark glimpse of the river through the
gateway had instinctively prepared me for her going no farther
The neighbourhood was a dreary one at that time as oppressive sad and
solitary by night as any about London There were neither wharves nor houses on
the melancholy waste of road near the great blank Prison A sluggish ditch
deposited its mud at the prison walls Coarse grass and rank weeds straggled
over all the marshy land in the vicinity In one part carcases of houses
inauspiciously begun and never finished rotted away In another the ground was
cumbered with rusty iron monsters of steamboilers wheels cranks pipes
furnaces paddles anchors divingbells windmillsails and I know not what
strange objects accumulated by some speculator and grovelling in the dust
underneath which having sunk into the soil of their own weight in wet weather
they had the appearance of vainly trying to hide themselves The clash and
glare of sundry fiery Works upon the riverside arose by night to disturb
everything except the heavy and unbroken smoke that poured out of their
chimneys Slimy gaps and causeways winding among old wooden piles with a
sickly substance clinging to the latter like green hair and the rags of last
years handbills offering rewards for drowned men fluttering above highwater
mark led down through the ooze and slush to the ebb tide There was a story
that one of the pits dug for the dead in the time of the Great Plague was
hereabout and a blighting influence seemed to have proceeded from it over the
whole place Or else it looked as if it had gradually decomposed into that
nightmare condition out of the overflowings of the polluted stream
As if she were a part of the refuse it had cast out and left to corruption
and decay the girl we had followed strayed down to the rivers brink and stood
in the midst of this nightpicture lonely and still looking at the water
There were some boats and barges astrand in the mud and these enabled us to
come within a few yards of her without being seen I then signed to Mr Peggotty
to remain where he was and emerged from their shade to speak to her I did not
approach her solitary figure without trembling for this gloomy end to her
determined walk and the way in which she stood almost within the cavernous
shadow of the iron bridge looking at the lights crookedly reflected in the
strong tide inspired a dread within me
I think she was talking to herself I am sure although absorbed in gazing
at the water that her shawl was off her shoulders and that she was muffling
her hands in it in an unsettled and bewildered way more like the action of a
sleepwalker than a waking person I know and never can forget that there was
that in her wild manner which gave me no assurance but that she would sink
before my eyes until I had her arm within my grasp
At the same moment I said »Martha«
She uttered a terrified scream and struggled with me with such strength
that I doubt if I could have held her alone But a stronger hand than mine was
laid upon her and when she raised her frightened eyes and saw whose it was she
made but one more effort and dropped down between us We carried her away from
the water to where there were some dry stones and there laid her down crying
and moaning In a little while she sat among the stones holding her wretched
head with both her hands
»Oh the river« she cried passionately »Oh the river«
»Hush hush« said I »Calm yourself«
But she still repeated the same words continually exclaiming »Oh the
river« over and over again
»I know its like me« she exclaimed »I know that I belong to it I know
that its the natural company of such as I am It comes from country places
where there was once no harm in it and it creeps through the dismal streets
defiled and miserable and it goes away like my life to a great sea that is
always troubled and I feel that I must go with it«
I have never known what despair was except in the tone of those words
»I cant keep away from it I cant forget it It haunts me day and night
Its the only thing in all the world that I am fit for or thats fit for me
Oh the dreadful river«
The thought passed through my mind that in the face of my companion as he
looked upon her without speech or motion I might have read his nieces history
if I had known nothing of it I never saw in any painting or reality horror
and compassion so impressively blended He shook as if he would have fallen and
his hand I touched it with my own for his appearance alarmed me was deadly
cold
»She is in a state of frenzy« I whispered to him »She will speak
differently in a little time«
I dont know what he would have said in answer He made some motion with his
mouth and seemed to think he had spoken but he had only pointed to her with
his outstretched hand
A new burst of crying came upon her now in which she once more hid her face
among the stones and lay before us a prostrate image of humiliation and ruin
Knowing that this state must pass before we could speak to her with any hope I
ventured to restrain him when he would have raised her and we stood by in
silence until she became more tranquil
»Martha« said I then leaning down and helping her to rise she seemed to
want to rise as if with the intention of going away but she was weak and
leaned against a boat »Do you know who this is who is with me«
She said faintly »Yes«
»Do you know that we have followed you a long way tonight«
She shook her head She looked neither at him nor at me but stood in a
humble attitude holding her bonnet and shawl in one hand without appearing
conscious of them and pressing the other clenched against her forehead
»Are you composed enough« said I »to speak on the subject which so
interested you I hope Heaven may remember it that snowy night«
Her sobs broke out afresh and she murmured some inarticulate thanks to me
for not having driven her away from the door
»I want to say nothing for myself« she said after a few moments »I am
bad I am lost I have no hope at all But tell him sir« she had shrunk away
from him »if you dont feel too hard to me to do it that I never was in any
way the cause of his misfortune«
»It has never been attributed to you« I returned earnestly responding to
her earnestness
»It was you if I dont deceive myself« she said in a broken voice »that
came into the kitchen the night she took such pity on me was so gentle to me
didnt shrink away from me like all the rest and gave me such kind help Was it
you sir«
»It was« said I
»I should have been in the river long ago« she said glancing at it with a
terrible expression »if any wrong to her had been upon my mind I never could
have kept out of it a single winters night if I had not been free of any share
in that«
»The cause of her flight is too well understood« I said »You are innocent
of any part in it we thoroughly believe we know«
»Oh I might have been much the better for her if I had had a better heart«
exclaimed the girl with most forlorn regret »for she was always good to me
She never spoke a word to me but what was pleasant and right Is it likely I
would try to make her what I am myself knowing what I am myself so well When I
lost everything that makes life dear the worst of all my thoughts was that I
was parted for ever from her«
Mr Peggotty standing with one hand on the gunwale of the boat and his
eyes cast down put his disengaged hand before his face
»And when I heard what had happened before that snowy night from some
belonging to our town« cried Martha »the bitterest thought in all my mind was
that the people would remember she once kept company with me and would say I
had corrupted her When Heaven knows I would have died to have brought back
her good name«
Long unused to any selfcontrol the piercing agony of her remorse and grief
was terrible
»To have died would not have been much what can I say I would have
lived« she cried »I would have lived to be old in the wretched streets and
to wander about avoided in the dark and to see the day break on the ghastly
line of houses arid remember how the same sun used to shine into my room and
wake me once I would have done even that to save her«
Sinking on the stones she took some in each hand and clenched them up as
if she would have ground them She writhed into some new posture constantly
stiffening her arms twisting them before her face as though to shut out from
her eyes the little light there was and drooping her head as if it were heavy
with insupportable recollections
»What shall I ever do« she said fighting thus with her despair »How can I
go on as I am a solitary curse to myself a living disgrace to every one I come
near« Suddenly she turned to my companion »Stamp upon me kill me When she
was your pride you would have thought I had done her harm if I had brushed
against her in the street You cant believe why should you a syllable that
comes out of my lips It would be a burning shame upon you even now if she and
I exchanged a word I dont complain I dont say she and I are alike I know
there is a long long way between us I only say with all my guilt and
wretchedness upon my head that I am grateful to her from my soul and love her
Oh dont think that all the power I had of loving anything is quite worn out
Throw me away as all the world does Kill me for being what I am and having
ever known her but dont think that of me«
He looked upon her while she made this supplication in a wild distracted
manner and when she was silent gently raised her
»Martha« said Mr Peggotty »God forbid as I should judge you Forbid as I
of all men should do that my girl You doent know half the change thats
come in course of time upon me when you think it likely Well« he paused a
moment then went on »You doent understand how tis that this here gentleman
and me has wished to speak to you You doent understand what tis we has afore
us Listen now«
His influence upon her was complete She stood shrinkingly before him as
if she were afraid to meet his eyes but her passionate sorrow was quite hushed
and mute
»If you heerd« said Mr Peggotty »owt of what passed between Masr Davy
and me th night when it snew so hard you know as I have been wheer not
fur to seek my dear niece My dear niece« he repeated steadily »Fur shes more
dear to me now Martha than ever she was dear afore«
She put her hands before her face but otherwise remained quiet
»I have heerd her tell« said Mr Peggotty »as you was early left
fatherless and motherless with no friend fur to take in a rough seafaringway
their place Maybe you can guess that if youd had such a friend youd have got
into a way of being fond of him in course of time and that my niece was kiender
daughterlike to me«
As she was silently trembling he put her shawl carefully about her taking
it up from the ground for that purpose
»Whereby« said he »I know both as she would go to the wurelds furdest
end with me if she could once see me again and that she would fly to the
wurelds furdest end to keep off seeing me For though she aint no call to
doubt my love and doent and doent« he repeated with a quiet assurance of
the truth of what he said »theres shame steps in and keeps betwixt us«
I read in every word of his plain impressive way of delivering himself new
evidence of his having thought of this one topic in every feature it presented
»According to our reckoning« he proceeded »Masr Davys here and mine
she is like one day to make her own poor solitary course to London We believe
Masr Davy me and all of us that you are as innocent of everything that
has befel her as the unborn child Youve spoke of her being pleasant kind
and gentle to you Bless her I knew she was I knew she always was to all
Youre thankful to her and you love her Help us all you can to find her and
may Heaven reward you«
She looked at him hastily and for the first time as if she were doubtful
of what he had said
»Will you trust me« she asked in a low voice of astonishment
»Full and free« said Mr Peggotty
»To speak to her if I should ever find her shelter her if I have any
shelter to divide with her and then without her knowledge come to you and
bring you to her« she asked hurriedly
We both replied together »Yes«
She lifted up her eyes and solemnly declared that she would devote herself
to this task fervently and faithfully That she would never waver in it never
be diverted from it never relinquish it while there was any chance of hope If
she were not true to it might the object she now had in life which bound her
to something devoid of evil in its passing away from her leave her more
forlorn and more despairing if that were possible than she had been upon the
rivers brink that night and then might all help human and Divine renounce
her evermore
She did not raise her voice above her breath or address us but said this
to the night sky then stood profoundly quiet looking at the gloomy water
We judged it expedient now to tell her all we knew which I recounted at
length She listened with great attention and with a face that often changed
but had the same purpose in all its varying expressions Her eyes occasionally
filled with tears but those she repressed It seemed as if her spirit were
quite altered and she could not be too quiet
She asked when all was told where we were to be communicated with if
occasion should arise Under a dull lamp in the road I wrote our two addresses
on a leaf of my pocketbook which I tore out and gave to her and which she put
in her poor bosom I asked her where she lived herself She said after a pause
in no place long It were better not to know
Mr Peggotty suggesting to me in a whisper what had already occurred to
myself I took out my purse but I could not prevail upon her to accept any
money nor could I exact any promise from her that she would do so at another
time I represented to her that Mr Peggotty could not be called for one in his
condition poor and that the idea of her engaging in this search while
depending on her own resources shocked us both She continued stedfast In this
particular his influence upon her was equally powerless with mine She
gratefully thanked him but remained inexorable
»There may be work to be got« she said »Ill try«
»At least take some assistance« I returned »until you have tried«
»I could not do what I have promised for money« she replied »I could not
take it if I was starving To give me money would be to take away your trust
to take away the object that you have given me to take away the only certain
thing that saves me from the river«
»In the name of the great Judge« said I »before whom you and all of us
must stand at His dread time dismiss that terrible idea! We can all do some
good if we will«
She trembled and her lip shook and her face was paler as she answered
»It has been put into your hearts perhaps to save a wretched creature for
repentance I am afraid to think so it seems too bold If any good should come
of me I might begin to hope for nothing but harm has ever come of my deeds
yet I am to be trusted for the first time in a long while with my miserable
life on account of what you have given me to try for I know no more and I can
say no more«
Again she repressed the tears that had begun to flow and putting out her
trembling hand and touching Mr Peggotty as if there was some healing virtue
in him went away along the desolate road She had been ill probably for a long
time I observed upon that closer opportunity of observation that she was worn
and haggard and that her sunken eyes expressed privation and endurance
We followed her at a short distance our way lying in the same direction
until we came back into the lighted and populous streets I had such implicit
confidence in her declaration that I then put it to Mr Peggotty whether it
would not seem in the onset like distrusting her to follow her any farther
He being of the same mind and equally reliant on her we suffered her to take
her own road and took ours which was towards Highgate He accompanied me a
good part of the way and when we parted with a prayer for the success of this
fresh effort there was a new and thoughtful compassion in him that I was at no
loss to interpret
It was midnight when I arrived at home I had reached my own gate and was
standing listening for the deep bell of Saint Pauls the sound of which I
thought had been borne towards me among the multitude of striking clocks when I
was rather surprised to see that the door of my aunts cottage was open and
that a faint light in the entry was shining out across the road
Thinking that my aunt might have relapsed into one of her old alarms and
might be watching the progress of some imaginary conflagration in the distance
I went to speak to her It was with very great surprise that I saw a man
standing in her little garden
He had a glass and bottle in his hand and was in the act of drinking I
stopped short among the thick foliage outside for the moon was up now though
obscured and I recognised the man whom I had once supposed to be a delusion of
Mr Dicks and had once encountered with my aunt in the streets of the city
He was eating as well as drinking and seemed to eat with a hungry appetite
He seemed curious regarding the cottage too as if it were the first time he
had seen it After stooping to put the bottle on the ground he looked up at the
windows and looked about though with a covert and impatient air as if he was
anxious to be gone
The light in the passage was obscured for a moment and my aunt came out
She was agitated and told some money into his hand I heard it chink
»Whats the use of this« he demanded
»I can spare no more« returned my aunt
»Then I cant go« said he »Here You may take it back«
»You bad man« returned my aunt with great emotion »how can you use me so
But why do I ask It is because you know how weak I am What have I to do to
free myself for ever of your visits but to abandon you to your deserts«
»And why dont you abandon me to my deserts« said he
»You ask me why« returned my aunt »What a heart you must have«
He stood moodily rattling the money and shaking his head until at length
he said
»Is this all you mean to give me then«
»It is all I can give you« said my aunt »You know I have had losses and
am poorer than I used to be I have told you so Having got it why do you give
me the pain of looking at you for another moment and seeing what you have
become«
»I have become shabby enough if you mean that« he said »I lead the life
of an owl«
»You stripped me of the greater part of all I ever had« said my aunt »You
closed my heart against the whole world years and years You treated me
falsely ungratefully and cruelly Go and repent of it Dont add new injuries
to the long long list of injuries you have done me«
»Aye« he returned »Its all very fine Well I must do the best I can
for the present I suppose«
In spite of himself he appeared abashed by my aunts indignant tears and
came slouching out of the garden Taking two or three quick steps as if I had
just come up I met him at the gate and went in as he came out We eyed one
another narrowly in passing and with no favour
»Aunt« said I hurriedly »This man alarming you again Let me speak to
him Who is he«
»Child« returned my aunt taking my arm »come in and dont speak to me
for ten minutes«
We sat down in her little parlour My aunt retired behind the round green
fan of former days which was screwed on the back of a chair and occasionally
wiped her eyes for about a quarter of an hour Then she came out and took a
seat beside me
»Trot« said my aunt calmly »its my husband«
»Your husband aunt I thought he had been dead«
»Dead to me« returned my aunt »but living«
I sat in silent amazement
»Betsey Trotwood dont look a likely subject for the tender passion« said
my aunt composedly »but the time was Trot when she believed in that man most
entirely When she loved him Trot right well When there was no proof of
attachment and affection that she would not have given him He repaid her by
breaking her fortune and nearly breaking her heart So she put all that sort of
sentiment once and for ever in a grave and filled it up and flattened it
down«
»My dear good aunt«
»I left him« my aunt proceeded laying her hand as usual on the back of
mine »generously I may say at this distance of time Trot that I left him
generously He had been so cruel to me that I might have effected a separation
on easy terms for myself but I did not He soon made ducks and drakes of what I
gave him sank lower and lower married another woman I believe became an
adventurer a gambler and a cheat What he is now you see But he was a fine
man when I married him« said my aunt with an echo of her old pride and
admiration in her tone »and I believed him I was a fool to be the soul of
honour«
She gave my hand a squeeze and shook her head
»He is nothing to me now Trot less than nothing But sooner than have him
punished for his offences as he would be if he prowled about in this country
I give him more money than I can afford at intervals when he reappears to go
away I was a fool when I married him and I am so far an incurable fool on that
subject that for the sake of what I once believed him to be I wouldnt have
even this shadow of my idle fancy hardly dealt with For I was in earnest Trot
if ever a woman was«
My aunt dismissed the matter with a heavy sigh and smoothed her dress
»There my dear« she said »Now you know the beginning middle and end
and all about it We wont mention the subject to one another any more neither
of course will you mention it to anybody else This is my grumpy frumpy story
and well keep it to ourselves Trot«
Chapter XLVIII
Domestic
I laboured hard at my book without allowing it to interfere with the punctual
discharge of my newspaper duties and it came out and was very successful I was
not stunned by the praise which sounded in my ears notwithstanding that I was
keenly alive to it and thought better of my own performance I have little
doubt than anybody else did It has always been in my observation of human
nature that a man who has any good reason to believe in himself never
flourishes himself before the faces of other people in order that they may
believe in him For this reason I retained my modesty in very selfrespect and
the more praise I got the more I tried to deserve
It is not my purpose in this record though in all other essentials it is
my written memory to pursue the history of my own fictions They express
themselves and I leave them to themselves When I refer to them incidentally
it is only as a part of my progress
Having some foundation for believing by this time that nature and accident
had made me an author I pursued my vocation with confidence Without such
assurance I should certainly have left it alone and bestowed my energy on some
other endeavour I should have tried to find out what nature and accident really
had made me and to be that and nothing else
I had been writing in the newspaper and elsewhere so prosperously that
when my new success was achieved I considered myself reasonably entitled to
escape from the dreary debates One joyful night therefore I noted down the
music of the parliamentary bagpipes for the last time and I have never heard it
since though I still recognise the old drone in the newspapers without any
substantial variation except perhaps that there is more of it all the
livelong session
I now write of the time when I had been married I suppose about a year and
a half After several varieties of experiment we had given up the housekeeping
as a bad job The house kept itself, and we kept a page The principal function
of this retainer was to quarrel with the cook in which respect he was a perfect
Whittington without his cat or the remotest chance of being made Lord Mayor
He appears to me to have lived in a hail of saucepanlids His whole
existence was a scuffle He would shriek for help on the most improper
occasions as when we had a little dinner party or a few friends in the
evening and would come tumbling out of the kitchen with iron missiles flying
after him We wanted to get rid of him but he was very much attached to us and
wouldnt go He was a tearful boy and broke into such deplorable lamentations
when a cessation of our connexion was hinted at that we were obliged to keep
him He had no mother no anything in the way of a relative that I could
discover except a sister who fled to America the moment we had taken him off
her hands and he became quartered on us like a horrible young changeling He
had a lively perception of his own unfortunate state and was always rubbing his
eyes with the sleeve of his jacket or stooping to blow his nose on the extreme
corner of a little pockethandkerchief which he never would take completely out
of his pocket but always economised and secreted
This unlucky page engaged in an evil hour at six pounds ten per annum was
a source of continual trouble to me I watched him as he grew and he grew like
scarlet beans with painful apprehensions of the time when he would begin to
shave even of the days when he would be bald or grey I saw no prospect of ever
getting rid of him and projecting myself into the future used to think what
an inconvenience he would be when he was an old man
I never expected anything less than this unfortunates manner of getting me
out of my difficulty He stole Doras watch which like everything else
belonging to us had no particular place of its own; and converting it into
money spent the produce he was always a weakminded boy in incessantly riding
up and down between London and Uxbridge outside the coach He was taken to Bow
Street as well as I remember on the completion of his fifteenth journey when
fourandsixpence and a secondhand fife which he couldnt play were found
upon his person
The surprise and its consequences would have been much less disagreeable to
me if he had not been penitent But he was very penitent indeed and in a
peculiar way not in the lump but by instalments For example: the day after
that on which I was obliged to appear against him he made certain revelations
touching a hamper in the cellar which we believed to be full of wine but which
had nothing in it except bottles and corks We supposed he had now eased his
mind and told the worst he knew of the cook but a day or two afterwards his
conscience sustained a new twinge and he disclosed how she had a little girl
who early every morning took away our bread and also how he himself had been
suborned to maintain the milkman in coals In two or three days more I was
informed by the authorities of his having led to the discovery of sirloins of
beef among the kitchenstuff and sheets in the ragbag A little while
afterwards he broke out in an entirely new direction and confessed to a
knowledge of burglarious intentions as to our premises on the part of the
potboy who was immediately taken up I got to be so ashamed of being such a
victim that I would have given him any money to hold his tongue or would have
offered a round bribe for his being permitted to run away It was an aggravating
circumstance in the case that he had no idea of this but conceived that he was
making me amends in every new discovery not to say heaping obligations on my
head
At last I ran away myself whenever I saw an emissary of the police
approaching with some new intelligence and lived a stealthy life until he was
tried and ordered to be transported Even then he couldnt be quiet but was
always writing us letters and wanted so much to see Dora before he went away
that Dora went to visit him and fainted when she found herself inside the iron
bars In short I had no peace of my life until he was expatriated and made as
I afterwards heard a shepherd of up the country somewhere I have no
geographical idea where
All this led me into some serious reflections and presented our mistakes in
a new aspect as I could not help communicating to Dora one evening in spite of
my tenderness for her
»My love« said I »it is very painful to me to think that our want of
system and management involves not only ourselves which we have got used to
but other people«
»You have been silent for a long time and now you are going to be cross«
said Dora
»No my dear indeed Let me explain to you what I mean«
»I think I dont want to know« said Dora
»But I want you to know my love Put Jip down«
Dora put his nose to mine and said »Boh« to drive my seriousness away
but not succeeding ordered him into his Pagoda and sat looking at me with
her hands folded and a most resigned little expression of countenance
»The fact is my dear« I began »there is contagion in us. We infect every
one about us«
I might have gone on in this figurative manner if Doras face had not
admonished me that she was wondering with all her might whether I was going to
propose any new kind of vaccination or other medical remedy for this
unwholesome state of ours Therefore I checked myself and made my meaning
plainer
»It is not merely, my pet« said I »that we lose money and comfort and
even temper sometimes by not learning to be more careful but that we incur the
serious responsibility of spoiling every one who comes into our service or has
any dealings with us I begin to be afraid that the fault is not entirely on one
side but that these people all turn out ill because we dont turn out very well
ourselves«
»Oh what an accusation« exclaimed Dora opening her eyes wide »to say
that you ever saw me take gold watches Oh«
»My dearest« I remonstrated »dont talk preposterous nonsense Who has
made the least allusion to gold watches«
»You did« returned Dora »You know you did You said I hadnt turned out
well and compared me to him«
»To whom« I asked
»To the page« sobbed Dora »Oh you cruel fellow to compare your
affectionate wife to a transported page Why didnt you tell me your opinion of
me before we were married Why didnt you say you hardhearted thing that you
were convinced I was worse than a transported page Oh what a dreadful opinion
to have of me Oh my goodness«
»Now Dora my love« I returned gently trying to remove the handkerchief
she pressed to her eyes »this is not only very ridiculous of you but very
wrong In the first place its not true«
»You always said he was a storyteller« sobbed Dora »And now you say the
same of me Oh what shall I do What shall I do«
»My darling girl« I retorted »I really must entreat you to be reasonable
and listen to what I did say and do say My dear Dora unless we learn to do
our duty to those whom we employ they will never learn to do their duty to us
I am afraid we present opportunities to people to do wrong that never ought to
be presented Even if we were as lax as we are in all our arrangements by
choice which we are not even if we liked it and found it agreeable to be so
which we dont I am persuaded we should have no right to go on in this way
We are positively corrupting people We are bound to think of that I cant help
thinking of it Dora It is a reflection I am unable to dismiss and it
sometimes makes me very uneasy There dear thats all Come now Dont be
foolish«
Dora would not allow me for a long time to remove the handkerchief She
sat sobbing and murmuring behind it that if I was uneasy why had I ever been
married Why hadnt I said even the day before we went to church that I knew I
should be uneasy and I would rather not If I couldnt bear her why didnt I
send her away to her aunts at Putney or to Julia Mills in India Julia would be
glad to see her and would not call her a transported page Julia never had
called her anything of the sort In short Dora was so afflicted and so
afflicted me by being in that condition that I felt it was of no use repeating
this kind of effort though never so mildly and I must take some other course
What other course was left to take To »form her mind« This was a common
phrase of words which had a fair and promising sound and I resolved to form
Doras mind
I began immediately When Dora was very childish and I would have
infinitely preferred to humour her I tried to be grave and disconcerted her
and myself too I talked to her on the subjects which occupied my thoughts and
I read Shakespeare to her and fatigued her to the last degree I accustomed
myself to giving her as it were quite casually little scraps of useful
information or sound opinion and she started from them when I let them off
as if they had been crackers No matter how incidentally or naturally I
endeavoured to form my little wifes mind I could not help seeing that she
always had an instinctive perception of what I was about and became a prey to
the keenest apprehensions In particular it was clear to me that she thought
Shakespeare a terrible fellow The formation went on very slowly
I pressed Traddles into the service without his knowledge and whenever he
came to see us exploded my mines upon him for the edification of Dora at second
hand The amount of practical wisdom I bestowed upon Traddles in this manner was
immense and of the best quality but it had no other effect upon Dora than to
depress her spirits and make her always nervous with the dread that it would be
her turn next I found myself in the condition of a schoolmaster a trap a
pitfall of always playing spider to Doras fly and always pouncing out of my
hole to her infinite disturbance
Still looking forward through this intermediate stage to the time when
there should be a perfect sympathy between Dora and me and when I should have
formed her mind to my entire satisfaction I persevered even for months
Finding at last however that although I had been all this time a very
porcupine or hedgehog bristling all over with determination I had effected
nothing it began to occur to me that perhaps Doras mind was already formed
On further consideration this appeared so likely that I abandoned my
scheme which had had a more promising appearance in words than in action
resolving henceforth to be satisfied with my childwife and to try to change
her into nothing else by any process I was heartily tired of being sagacious
and prudent by myself and of seeing my darling under restraint so I bought a
pretty pair of earrings for her and a collar for Jip and went home one day to
make myself agreeable
Dora was delighted with the little presents and kissed me joyfully but
there was a shadow between us however slight and I had made up my mind that it
should not be there If there must be such a shadow anywhere I would keep it
for the future in my own breast
I sat down by my wife on the sofa and put the earrings in her ears and
then I told her that I feared we had not been quite as good company lately as
we used to be and that the fault was mine Which I sincerely felt and which
indeed it was
»The truth is Dora my life« I said »I have been trying to be wise«
»And to make me wise too« said Dora timidly »Havent you Doady«
I nodded assent to the pretty inquiry of the raised eyebrows and kissed the
parted lips
»Its of not a bit of use« said Dora shaking her head until the earrings
rang again »You know what a little thing I am and what I wanted you to call me
from the first If you cant do so I am afraid youll never like me Are you
sure you dont think sometimes it would have been better to have «
»Done what my dear« For she made no effort to proceed
»Nothing« said Dora
»Nothing« I repeated
She put her arms round my neck and laughed and called herself by her
favourite name of a goose and hid her face on my shoulder in such a profusion
of curls that it was quite a task to clear them away and see it
»Dont I think it would have been better to have done nothing than to have
tried to form my little wifes mind« said I laughing at myself »Is that the
question Yes indeed I do«
»Is that what you have been trying« cried Dora »Oh what a shocking boy«
»But I shall never try any more« said I »For I love her dearly as she is«
»Without a story really« inquired Dora creeping closer to me
»Why should I seek to change« said I »what has been so precious to me for
so long You never can show better than as your own natural self my sweet Dora
and well try no conceited experiments but go back to our old way and be
happy«
»And be happy« returned Dora »Yes All day And you wont mind things
going a tiny morsel wrong sometimes«
»No no« said I »We must do the best we can«
»And you wont tell me any more that we make other people bad« coaxed
Dora »will you Because you know its so dreadfully cross«
»No no« said I
»Its better for me to be stupid than uncomfortable isnt it« said Dora
»Better to be naturally Dora than anything else in the world«
»In the world Ah Doady its a large place«
She shook her head turned her delighted bright eyes up to mine kissed me
broke into a merry laugh and sprang away to put on Jips new collar
So ended my last attempt to make any change in Dora I had been unhappy in
trying it I could not endure my own solitary wisdom I could not reconcile it
with her former appeal to me as my childwife I resolved to do what I could in
a quiet way to improve our proceedings myself but I foresaw that my utmost
would be very little or I must degenerate into the spider again and be for
ever lying in wait
And the shadow I have mentioned that was not to be between us any more but
was to rest wholly on my own heart How did that fall
The old unhappy feeling pervaded my life It was deepened if it were
changed at all but it was as undefined as ever and addressed me like a strain
of sorrowful music faintly heard in the night I loved my wife dearly and I was
happy but the happiness I had vaguely anticipated once was not the happiness
I enjoyed and there was always something wanting
In fulfilment of the compact I have made with myself to reflect my mind on
this paper I again examine it closely and bring its secrets to the light
What I missed I still regarded I always regarded as something that had been
a dream of my youthful fancy that was incapable of realisation that I was now
discovering to be so with some natural pain as all men did But that it would
have been better for me if my wife could have helped me more and shared the
many thoughts in which I had no partner and that this might have been I knew
Between these two irreconcileable conclusions the one that what I felt was
general and unavoidable the other that it was particular to me and might have
been different I balanced curiously with no distinct sense of their opposition
to each other When I thought of the airy dreams of youth that are incapable of
realisation I thought of the better state preceding manhood that I had
outgrown And then the contented days with Agnes in the dear old house arose
before me like spectres of the dead that might have some renewal in another
world but never never more could be reanimated here
Sometimes the speculation came into my thoughts What might have happened
or what would have happened if Dora and I had never known each other But she
was so incorporated with my existence that it was the idlest of all fancies
and would soon rise out of my reach and sight like gossamer floating in the
air
I always loved her What I am describing slumbered and half awoke and
slept again in the innermost recesses of my mind There was no evidence of it
in me I know of no influence it had in anything I said or did I bore the
weight of all our little cares and all my projects Dora held the pens and we
both felt that our shares were adjusted as the case required She was truly fond
of me and proud of me and when Agnes wrote a few earnest words in her letters
to Dora of the pride and interest with which my old friends heard of my growing
reputation and read my book as if they heard me speaking its contents Dora
read them out to me with tears of joy in her bright eyes and said I was a dear
old clever famous boy
»The first mistaken impulse of an undisciplined heart« Those words of Mrs
Strongs were constantly recurring to me at this time were almost always
present to my mind I awoke with them often in the night I remember to have
even read them in dreams inscribed upon the walls of houses For I knew now
that my own heart was undisciplined when it first loved Dora and that if it had
been disciplined it never could have felt when we were married what it had
felt in its secret experience
»There can be no disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and
purpose« Those words I remembered too I had endeavoured to adapt Dora to
myself and found it impracticable It remained for me to adapt myself to Dora
to share with her what I could and be happy to bear on my own shoulders what I
must and be still happy This was the discipline to which I tried to bring my
heart when I began to think It made my second year much happier than my first
and what was better still made Doras life all sunshine
But as that year wore on Dora was not strong I had hoped that lighter
hands than mine would help to mould her character and that a babysmile upon
her breast might change my childwife to a woman It was not to be The spirit
fluttered for a moment on the threshold of its little prison and unconscious
of captivity took wing
»When I can run about again as I used to do aunt« said Dora »I shall
make Jip race He is getting quite slow and lazy«
»I suspect my dear« said my aunt quietly working by her side »he has a
worse disorder than that Age Dora«
»Do you think he is old« said Dora astonished »Oh how strange it seems
that Jip should be old«
»Its a complaint we are all liable to Little One as we get on in life«
said my aunt cheerfully »I dont feel more free from it than I used to be I
assure you«
»But Jip« said Dora looking at him with compassion »even little Jip Oh
poor fellow«
»I dare say hell last a long time yet Blossom« said my aunt patting Dora
on the cheek as she leaned out of her couch to look at Jip who responded by
standing on his hind legs and baulking himself in various asthmatic attempts to
scramble up by the head and shoulders »He must have a piece of flannel in his
house this winter and I shouldnt wonder if he came out quite fresh again with
the flowers in the spring Bless the little dog« exclaimed my aunt »If he had
as many lives as a cat and was on the point of losing em all hed bark at me
with his last breath I believe«
Dora had helped him up on the sofa where he really was defying my aunt to
such a furious extent that he couldnt keep straight but barked himself
sideways The more my aunt looked at him the more he reproached her for she
had lately taken to spectacles and for some inscrutable reason he considered
the glasses personal
Dora made him lie down by her with a good deal of persuasion and when he
was quiet drew one of his long ears through and through her hand repeating
thoughtfully »Even little Jip Oh poor fellow«
»His lungs are good enough« said my aunt gaily »and his dislikes are not
at all feeble He has a good many years before him no doubt But if you want a
dog to race with Little Blossom he has lived too well for that and Ill give
you one«
»Thank you aunt« said Dora faintly »But dont please«
»No« said my aunt taking off her spectacles
»I couldnt have any other dog but Jip« said Dora »It would be so unkind
to Jip Besides I couldnt be such friends with any other dog but Jip because
he wouldnt have known me before I was married and wouldnt have barked at
Doady when he first came to our house I couldnt care for any other dog but
Jip I am afraid aunt«
»To be sure« said my aunt patting her cheek again »You are right«
»You are not offended« said Dora »are you«
»Why what a sensitive pet it is« cried my aunt bending over her
affectionately »To think that I could be offended«
»No no I didnt really think so« returned Dora »but I am a little tired
and it made me silly for a moment I am always a silly little thing you know
but it made me more silly to talk about Jip He has known me in all that has
happened to me havent you Jip And I couldnt bear to slight him because he
was a little altered could I Jip«
Jip nestled closer to his mistress and lazily licked her hand
»You are not so old Jip are you that youll leave your mistress yet«
said Dora »We may keep one another company a little longer«
My pretty Dora When she came down to dinner on the ensuing Sunday and was
so glad to see old Traddles who always dined with us on Sunday we thought she
would be running about as she used to do in a few days But they said wait a
few days more and then wait a few days more and still she neither ran nor
walked She looked very pretty and was very merry but the little feet that
used to be so nimble when they danced round Jip were dull and motionless
I began to carry her downstairs every morning and upstairs every night
She would clasp me round the neck and laugh the while as if I did it for a
wager Jip would bark and caper round us and go on before and look back on the
landing breathing short to see that we were coming My aunt the best and most
cheerful of nurses would trudge after us a moving mass of shawls and pillows
Mr Dick would not have relinquished his post of candlebearer to any one alive
Traddles would be often at the bottom of the staircase looking on and taking
charge of sportive messages from Dora to the dearest girl in the world We made
quite a gay procession of it and my childwife was the gayest there
But sometimes when I took her up and felt that she was lighter in my
arms a dead blank feeling came upon me as if I were approaching to some frozen
region yet unseen that numbed my life I avoided the recognition of this
feeling by any name or by any communing with myself until one night when it
was very strong upon me and my aunt had left her with a parting cry of
»Goodnight Little Blossom« I sat down at my desk alone and cried to think
Oh what a fatal name it was and how the blossom withered in its bloom upon the
tree
Chapter XLIX
I Am Involved in Mystery
I received one morning by the post the following letter dated Canterbury and
addressed to me at Doctors Commons which I read with some surprise
»My dear Sir
Circumstances beyond my individual control have for a considerable
lapse of time effected a severance of that intimacy which in the
limited opportunities conceded to me in the midst of my professional
duties of contemplating the scenes and events of the past tinged by
the prismatic hues of memory has ever afforded me as it ever must
continue to afford gratifying emotions of no common description This
fact my dear sir combined with the distinguished elevation to which
your talents have raised you deters me from presuming to aspire to the
liberty of addressing the companion of my youth by the familiar
appellation of Copperfield It is sufficient to know that the name to
which I do myself the honour to refer will ever be treasured among the
muniments of our house I allude to the archives connected with our
former lodgers preserved by Mrs Micawber with sentiments of personal
esteem amounting to affection
It is not for one situated through his original errors and a
fortuitous combination of unpropitious events as is the foundered Bark
if he may be allowed to assume so maritime a denomination who now
takes up the pen to address you it is not I repeat for one so
circumstanced to adopt the language of compliment or of
congratulation That he leaves to abler and to purer hands
If your more important avocations should admit of your ever tracing
these imperfect characters thus far which may be or may not be as
circumstances arise you will naturally inquire by what object am I
influenced then in inditing the present missive Allow me to say that
I fully defer to the reasonable character of that inquiry and proceed
to develop it premising that it is not an object of a pecuniary nature
Without more directly referring to any latent ability that may
possibly exist on my part of wielding the thunderbolt or directing the
devouring and avenging flame in any quarter I may be permitted to
observe in passing that my brightest visions are for ever dispelled
that my peace is shattered and my power of enjoyment destroyed that my
heart is no longer in the right place and that I no more walk erect
before my fellowman The canker is in the flower The cup is bitter to
the brim The worm is at his work and will soon dispose of his victim
The sooner the better But I will not digress
Placed in a mental position of peculiar painfulness beyond the
assuaging reach even of Mrs Micawbers influence though exercised in
the tripartite character of woman wife and mother it is my intention
to fly from myself for a short period and devote a respite of
eightand forty hours to revisiting some metropolitan scenes of past
enjoyment Among other havens of domestic tranquillity and peace of
mind my feet will naturally tend towards the Kings Bench Prison In
stating that I shall be D V on the outside of the south wall of that
place of incarceration on civil process the day after to morrow at
seven in the evening precisely my object in this epistolary
communication is accomplished
I do not feel warranted in soliciting my former friend Mr
Copperfield or my former friend Mr Thomas Traddles of the Inner
Temple if that gentleman is still existent and forthcoming to
condescend to meet me and renew so far as may be our past relations
of the olden time I confine myself to throwing out the observation
that at the hour and place I have indicated may be found such ruined
vestiges as yet
R emain
O f
A
Fallen Tower
WILKINS MICAWBER
P S It may be advisable to superadd to the above the statement that
Mrs Micawber is not in confidential possession of my intentions«
I read the letter over several times Making due allowance for Mr Micawbers
lofty style of composition and for the extraordinary relish with which he sat
down and wrote long letters on all possible and impossible occasions I still
believed that something important lay hidden at the bottom of this roundabout
communication I put it down to think about it and took it up again to read
it once more and was still pursuing it when Traddles found me in the height of
my perplexity
»My dear fellow« said I »I never was better pleased to see you You come
to give me the benefit of your sober judgment at a most opportune time I have
received a very singular letter Traddles from Mr Micawber«
»No« cried Traddles »You dont say so And I have received one from Mrs
Micawber«
With that Traddles who was flushed with walking and whose hair under the
combined effects of exercise and excitement stood on end as if he saw a
cheerful ghost produced his letter and made an exchange with me I watched him
into the heart of Mr Micawbers letter and returned the elevation of eyebrows
with which he said »Wielding the thunderbolt or directing the devouring and
avenging flame Bless me Copperfield« and then entered on the perusal of
Mrs Micawbers epistle
It ran thus
»My best regards to Mr Thomas Traddles and if he should still remember
one who formerly had the happiness of being well acquainted with him
may I beg a few moments of his leisure time I assure Mr T T that I
would not intrude upon his kindness were I in any other position than
on the confines of distraction
Though harrowing to myself to mention the alienation of Mr
Micawber formerly so domesticated from his wife and family is the
cause of my addressing my unhappy appeal to Mr Traddles and soliciting
his best indulgence Mr T can form no adequate idea of the change in
Mr Micawbers conduct of his wildness of his violence It has
gradually augmented until it assumes the appearance of aberration of
intellect Scarcely a day passes I assure Mr Traddles on which some
paroxysm does not take place Mr T will not require me to depict my
feelings when I inform him that I have become accustomed to hear Mr
Micawber assert that he has sold himself to the D Mystery and secrecy
have long been his principal characteristic have long replaced
unlimited confidence The slightest provocation even being asked if
there is anything he would prefer for dinner causes him to express a
wish for a separation Last night on being childishly solicited for
twopence to buy lemonstunners a local sweetmeat he presented an
oysterknife at the twins
I entreat Mr Traddles to bear with me in entering into these
details Without them Mr T would indeed find it difficult to form the
faintest conception of my heartrending situation
May I now venture to confide to Mr T the purport of my letter
Will he now allow me to throw myself on his friendly consideration Oh
yes for I know his heart
The quick eye of affection is not easily blinded when of the female
sex Mr Micawber is going to London Though he studiously concealed his
hand this morning before breakfast in writing the directioncard which
he attached to the little brown valise of happier days the eagleglance
of matrimonial anxiety detected d o n distinctly traced The WestEnd
destination of the coach is the Golden Cross Dare I fervently implore
Mr T to see my misguided husband and to reason with him Dare I ask
Mr T to endeavour to step in between Mr Micawber and his agonised
family Oh no for that would be too much
If Mr Copperfield should yet remember one unknown to fame will Mr
T take charge of my unalterable regards and similar entreaties In any
case he will have the benevolence to consider this communication
strictly private and on no account whatever to be alluded to however
distantly in the presence of Mr Micawber If Mr T should ever reply
to it which I cannot but feel to be most improbable a letter
addressed to M E Post Office Canterbury will be fraught with less
painful consequences than any addressed immediately to one who
subscribes herself in extreme distress
Mr Thomas Traddless respectful friend and suppliant
EMMA MICAWBER«
»What do you think of that letter« said Traddles casting his eyes upon me
when I had read it twice
»What do you think of the other« said I For he was still reading it with
knitted brows
»I think that the two together Copperfield« replied Traddles »mean more
than Mr and Mrs Micawber usually mean in their correspondence but I dont
know what They are both written in good faith I have no doubt and without any
collusion Poor thing« he was now alluding to Mrs Micawbers letter and we
were standing side by side comparing the two »it will be a charity to write to
her at all events and tell her that we will not fail to see Mr Micawber«
I acceded to this the more readily because I now reproached myself with
having treated her former letter rather lightly It had set me thinking a good
deal at the time as I have mentioned in its place but my absorption in my own
affairs my experience of the family and my hearing nothing more had gradually
ended in my dismissing the subject I had often thought of the Micawbers but
chiefly to wonder what pecuniary liabilities they were establishing in
Canterbury and to recall how shy Mr Micawber was of me when he became clerk to
Uriah Heep
However I now wrote a comforting letter to Mrs Micawber in our joint
names and we both signed it As we walked into town to post it Traddles and I
held a long conference and launched into a number of speculations which I need
not repeat We took my aunt into our counsels in the afternoon but our only
decided conclusion was that we would be very punctual in keeping Mr Micawbers
appointment
Although we appeared at the stipulated place a quarter of an hour before the
time we found Mr Micawber already there He was standing with his arms folded
over against the wall looking at the spikes on the top with a sentimental
expression as if they were the interlacing boughs of trees that had shaded him
in his youth
When we accosted him his manner was something more confused and something
less genteel than of yore He had relinquished his legal suit of black for the
purposes of this excursion and wore the old surtout and tights but not quite
with the old air He gradually picked up more and more of it as we conversed
with him but his very eyeglass seemed to hang less easily and his
shirtcollar though still of the old formidable dimensions rather drooped
»Gentlemen« said Mr Micawber after the first salutations »you are
friends in need and friends indeed Allow me to offer my inquiries with
reference to the physical welfare of Mrs Copperfield in esse and Mrs Traddles
in posse presuming that is to say that my friend Mr Traddles is not yet
united to the object of his affections for weal and for woe«
We acknowledged his politeness and made suitable replies He then directed
our attention to the wall and was beginning »I assure you gentlemen« when I
ventured to object to that ceremonious form of address and to beg that he would
speak to us in the old way
»My dear Copperfield« he returned pressing my hand »your cordiality
overpowers me This reception of a shattered fragment of the Temple once called
Man if I may be permitted so to express myself bespeaks a heart that is an
honour to our common nature I was about to observe that I again behold the
serene spot where some of the happiest hours of my existence fleeted by«
»Made so I am sure by Mrs Micawber« said I »I hope she is well«
»Thank you« returned Mr Micawber whose face clouded at this reference
»she is but soso And this« said Mr Micawber nodding his head sorrowfully
»is the Bench Where for the first time in many revolving years the
overwhelming pressure of pecuniary liabilities was not proclaimed from day to
day by importunate voices declining to vacate the passage where there was no
knocker on the door for any creditor to appeal to where personal service of
process was not required and detainers were merely lodged at the gate
Gentlemen« said Mr Micawber »when the shadow of that ironwork on the summit
of the brick structure has been reflected on the gravel of the Parade I have
seen my children thread the mazes of the intricate pattern avoiding the dark
marks I have been familiar with every stone in the place If I betray weakness
you will know how to excuse me«
»We have all got on in life since then Mr Micawber« said I
»Mr Copperfield« returned Mr Micawber bitterly »when I was an inmate of
that retreat I could look my fellowman in the face and punch his head if he
offended me My fellowman and myself are no longer on those glorious terms«
Turning from the building in a downcast manner Mr Micawber accepted my
proffered arm on one side and the proffered arm of Traddles on the other and
walked away between us
»There are some landmarks« observed Mr Micawber looking fondly back over
his shoulder »on the road to the tomb which but for the impiety of the
aspiration a man would wish never to have passed Such is the Bench in my
chequered career«
»Oh you are in low spirits Mr Micawber« said Traddles
»I am sir« interposed Mr Micawber
»I hope« said Traddles »it is not because you have conceived a dislike to
the law for I am a lawyer myself you know«
Mr Micawber answered not a word
»How is our friend Heep Mr Micawber« said I after a silence
»My dear Copperfield« returned Mr Micawber bursting into a state of much
excitement and turning pale »if you ask after my employer as your friend I am
sorry for it if you ask after him as my friend I sardonically smile at it In
whatever capacity you ask after my employer I beg without offence to you to
limit my reply to this that whatever his state of health may be his
appearance is foxy not to say diabolical You will allow me as a private
individual to decline pursuing a subject which has lashed me to the utmost
verge of desperation in my professional capacity«
I expressed my regret for having innocently touched upon a theme that roused
him so much »May I ask« said I »without any hazard of repeating the mistake
how my old friends Mr and Miss Wickfield are«
»Miss Wickfield« said Mr Micawber now turning red »is as she always is
a pattern and a bright example My dear Copperfield she is the only starry
spot in a miserable existence My respect for that young lady my admiration of
her character my devotion to her for her love and truth and goodness Take
me« said Mr Micawber »down a turning for upon my soul in my present state
of mind I am not equal to this«
We wheeled him off into a narrow street where he took out his
pockethandkerchief and stood with his back to a wall If I looked as gravely
at him as Traddles did he must have found our company by no means inspiriting
»It is my fate« said Mr Micawber unfeignedly sobbing but doing even
that with a shadow of the old expression of doing something genteel »it is my
fate gentlemen that the finer feelings of our nature have become reproaches to
me My homage to Miss Wickfield is a flight of arrows in my bosom You had
better leave me if you please to walk the earth as a vagabond The worm will
settle my business in doublequick time«
Without attending to this invocation we stood by until he put up his
pockethandkerchief pulled up his shirtcollar and to delude any person in
the neighbourhood who might have been observing him hummed a tune with his hat
very much on one side I then mentioned not knowing what might be lost if we
lost sight of him yet that it would give me great pleasure to introduce him to
my aunt if he would ride out to Highgate where a bed was at his service
»You shall make us a glass of your own punch Mr Micawber« said I »and
forget whatever you have on your mind in pleasanter reminiscences«
»Or if confiding anything to friends will be more likely to relieve you
you shall impart it to us Mr Micawber« said Traddles prudently
»Gentlemen« returned Mr Micawber »do with me as you will I am a straw
upon the surface of the deep and am tossed in all directions by the elephants
I beg your pardon I should have said the elements«
We walked on arminarm again found the coach in the act of starting and
arrived at Highgate without encountering any difficulties by the way I was very
uneasy and very uncertain in my mind what to say or do for the best so was
Traddles evidently Mr Micawber was for the most part plunged into deep gloom
He occasionally made an attempt to smarten himself and hum the fagend of a
tune but his relapses into profound melancholy were only made the more
impressive by the mockery of a hat exceedingly on one side and a shirtcollar
pulled up to his eyes
We went to my aunts house rather than to mine because of Doras not being
well My aunt presented herself on being sent for and welcomed Mr Micawber
with gracious cordiality Mr Micawber kissed her hand retired to the window
and pulling out his pockethandkerchief had a mental wrestle with himself
Mr Dick was at home He was by nature so exceedingly compassionate of any
one who seemed to be ill at ease and was so quick to find any such person out
that he shook hands with Mr Micawber at least halfadozen times in five
minutes To Mr Micawber in his trouble this warmth on the part of a
stranger was so extremely touching that he could only say on the occasion of
each successive shake »My dear sir you overpower me« Which gratified Mr Dick
so much that he went at it again with greater vigour than before
»The friendliness of this gentleman« said Mr Micawber to my aunt »if you
will allow me maam to cull a figure of speech from the vocabulary of our
coarser national sports floors me To a man who is struggling with a
complicated burden of perplexity and disquiet such a reception is trying I
assure you«
»My friend Mr Dick« replied my aunt proudly »is not a common man«
»That I am convinced of« said Mr Micawber »My dear sir« for Mr Dick was
shaking hands with him again »I am deeply sensible of your cordiality«
»How do you find yourself« said Mr Dick with an anxious look
»Indifferent my dear sir« returned Mr Micawber sighing
»You must keep up your spirits« said Mr Dick »and make yourself as
comfortable as possible«
Mr Micawber was quite overcome by these friendly words and by finding Mr
Dicks hand again within his own »It has been my lot« he observed »to meet
in the diversified panorama of human existence with an occasional oasis but
never with one so green so gushing as the present«
At another time I should have been amused by this but I felt that we were
all constrained and uneasy and I watched Mr Micawber so anxiously in his
vacillations between an evident disposition to reveal something and a
counterdisposition to reveal nothing that I was in a perfect fever Traddles
sitting on the edge of his chair with his eyes wide open and his hair more
emphatically erect than ever stared by turns at the ground and at Mr Micawber
without so much as attempting to put in a word My aunt though I saw that her
shrewdest observation was concentrated on her new guest had more useful
possession of her wits than either of us for she held him in conversation and
made it necessary for him to talk whether he liked it or not
»You are a very old friend of my nephews Mr Micawber« said my aunt »I
wish I had had the pleasure of seeing you before«
»Madam« returned Mr Micawber »I wish I had had the honour of knowing you
at an earlier period I was not always the wreck you at present behold«
»I hope Mrs Micawber and your family are well sir« said my aunt
Mr Micawber inclined his head »They are as well maam« he desperately
observed after a pause »as Aliens and Outcasts can ever hope to be«
»Lord bless you sir« exclaimed my aunt in her abrupt way »What are you
talking about«
»The subsistence of my family maam« returned Mr Micawber »trembles in
the balance My employer «
Here Mr Micawber provokingly left off and began to peel the lemons that
had been under my directions set before him together with all the other
appliances he used in making punch
»Your employer you know« said Mr Dick jogging his arm as a gentle
reminder
»My good sir« returned Mr Micawber »you recall me I am obliged to you«
They shook hands again »My employer maam Mr Heep once did me the favour
to observe to me that if I were not in the receipt of the stipendiary
emoluments appertaining to my engagement with him I should probably be a
mountebank about the country swallowing a swordblade and eating the devouring
element For anything that I can perceive to the contrary it is still probable
that my children may be reduced to seek a livelihood by personal contortion
while Mrs Micawber abets their unnatural feats by playing the barrelorgan«
Mr Micawber with a random but expressive flourish of his knife signified
that these performances might be expected to take place after he was no more
then resumed his peeling with a desperate air
My aunt leaned her elbow on the little round table that she usually kept
beside her and eyed him attentively Notwithstanding the aversion with which I
regarded the idea of entrapping him into any disclosure he was not prepared to
make voluntarily I should have taken him up at this point but for the strange
proceedings in which I saw him engaged whereof his putting the lemonpeel into
the kettle the sugar into the snuffertray the spirit into the empty jug and
confidently attempting to pour boiling water out of a candlestick were among
the most remarkable I saw that a crisis was at hand and it came He clattered
all his means and implements together rose from his chair pulled out his
pockethandkerchief and burst into tears
»My dear Copperfield« said Mr Micawber behind his handkerchief »this is
an occupation of all others requiring an untroubled mind and selfrespect I
cannot perform it It is out of the question«
»Mr Micawber« said I »what is the matter Pray speak out You are among
friends«
»Among friends sir« repeated Mr Micawber and all he had reserved came
breaking out of him »Good heavens it is principally because I am among friends
that my state of mind is what it is What is the matter gentlemen What is not
the matter Villany is the matter baseness is the matter deception fraud
conspiracy are the matter and the name of the whole atrocious mass is HEEP«
My aunt clapped her hands and we all started up as if we were possessed
»The struggle is over« said Mr Micawber violently gesticulating with his
pockethandkerchief and fairly striking out from time to time with both arms
as if he were swimming under superhuman difficulties »I will lead this life no
longer I am a wretched being cut off from everything that makes life
tolerable I have been under a Taboo in that infernal scoundrels service Give
me back my wife give me back my family substitute Micawber for the petty
wretch who walks about in the boots at present on my feet and call upon me to
swallow a sword tomorrow and Ill do it With an appetite«
I never saw a man so hot in my life I tried to calm him that we might come
to something rational but he got hotter and hotter and wouldnt hear a word
»Ill put my hand in no mans hand« said Mr Micawber gasping puffing
and sobbing to that degree that he was like a man fighting with cold water
»until I have blown to fragments the a detestable serpent HEEP Ill
partake of no ones hospitality until I have a moved Mount Vesuvius to
eruption on a the abandoned rascal HEEP Refreshment a underneath
this roof particularly punch would a choke me unless I had
previously choked the eyes out of the head a of interminable cheat
and liar HEEP I a Ill know nobody and a say nothing and a
live nowhere until I have crushed to a undiscoverable atoms the
transcendent and immortal hypocrite and perjurer HEEP«
I really had some fear of Mr Micawbers dying on the spot The manner in
which he struggled through these inarticulate sentences and whenever he found
himself getting near the name of Heep fought his way on to it dashed at it in
a fainting state and brought it out with a vehemence little less than
marvellous was frightful but now when he sank into a chair steaming and
looked at us with every possible colour in his face that had no business there
and an endless procession of lumps following one another in hot haste up his
throat whence they seemed to shoot into his forehead he had the appearance of
being in the last extremity I would have gone to his assistance but he waved
me off and wouldnt hear a word
»No Copperfield No communication a until Miss Wickfield a
redress from wrongs inflicted by consummate scoundrel HEEP« I am quite
convinced he could not have uttered three words but for the amazing energy with
which this word inspired him when he felt it coming »Inviolable secret a
from the whole world a no exceptions this day week a at breakfast time
a everybody present including aunt a and extremely friendly gentleman
to be at the hotel at Canterbury a where Mrs Micawber and myself Auld
Lang Syne in chorus and a will expose intolerable ruffian HEEP No more
to say a or listen to persuasion go immediately not capable a bear
society upon the track of devoted and doomed traitor HEEP«
With this last repetition of the magic word that had kept him going at all
and in which he surpassed all his previous efforts Mr Micawber rushed out of
the house leaving us in a state of excitement hope and wonder that reduced
us to a condition little better than his own But even then his passion for
writing letters was too strong to be resisted for while we were yet in the
height of our excitement hope and wonder the following pastoral note was
brought to me from a neighbouring tavern at which he had called to write it
»Most secret and confidential
My dear Sir
I beg to be allowed to convey through you my apologies to your
excellent aunt for my late excitement An explosion of a smouldering
volcano long suppressed was the result of an internal contest more
easily conceived than described
I trust I rendered tolerably intelligible my appointment for the
morning of this day week at the house of public entertainment at
Canterbury where Mrs Micawber and myself had once the honour of
uniting our voices to yours in the wellknown strain of the Immortal
exciseman nurtured beyond the Tweed
The duty done and act of reparation performed which can alone
enable me to contemplate my fellowmortal I shall be known no more I
shall simply require to be deposited in that place of universal resort
where
Each in his narrow cell for ever laid
The rude forefathers of the hamlet sleep
With the plain Inscription
WILKINS MICAWBER«
Chapter L
Mr Peggottys Dream Comes True
By this time some months had passed since our interview on the bank of the
river with Martha I had never seen her since but she had communicated with Mr
Peggotty on several occasions Nothing had come of her zealous intervention nor
could I infer from what he told me that any clue had ever been obtained for a
moment to Emilys fate I confess that I began to despair of her recovery and
gradually to sink deeper and deeper into the belief that she was dead
His conviction remained unchanged So far as I know and I believe his
honest heart was transparent to me he never wavered again in his solemn
certainty of finding her His patience never tired And although I trembled for
the agony it might one day be to him to have his strong assurance shivered at a
blow there was something so religious in it so affectingly expressive of its
anchor being in the purest depths of his fine nature that the respect and
honour in which I held him were exalted every day
His was not a lazy trustfulness that hoped and did no more He had been a
man of sturdy action all his life and he knew that in all things wherein he
wanted help he must do his own part faithfully and help himself I have known
him set out in the night on a misgiving that the light might not be by some
accident in the window of the old boat and walk to Yarmouth I have known him
on reading something in the newspaper that might apply to her take up his
stick and go forth on a journey of three or four score miles He made his way
by sea to Naples and back after hearing the narrative to which Miss Dartle had
assisted me All his journeys were ruggedly performed for he was always
steadfast in a purpose of saving money for Emilys sake when she should be
found In all this long pursuit I never heard him repine I never heard him say
he was fatigued or out of heart
Dora had often seen him since our marriage and was quite fond of him I
fancy his figure before me now standing near her sofa with his rough cap in
his hand and the blue eyes of my childwife raised with a timid wonder to his
face Sometimes of an evening about twilight when he came to talk with me I
would induce him to smoke his pipe in the garden as we slowly paced to and fro
together and then the picture of his deserted home and the comfortable air it
used to have in my childish eyes of an evening when the fire was burning and
the wind moaning round it came most vividly into my mind
One evening at this hour he told me that he had found Martha waiting near
his lodging on the preceding night when he came out and that she had asked him
not to leave London on any account until he should have seen her again
»Did she tell you why« I inquired
»I asked her Masr Davy« he replied »but it is but few words as she ever
says and she ony got my promise and so went away«
»Did she say when you might expect to see her again« I demanded
»No Masr Davy« he returned drawing his hand thoughtfully down his face
»I asked that too but it was more she said than she could tell«
As I had long forborne to encourage him with hopes that hung on threads I
made no other comment on this information than that I supposed he would see her
soon Such speculations as it engendered within me I kept to myself and those
were faint enough
I was walking alone in the garden one evening about a fortnight
afterwards I remember that evening well It was the second in Mr Micawbers
week of suspense There had been rain all day and there was a damp feeling in
the air The leaves were thick upon the trees and heavy with wet but the rain
had ceased though the sky was still dark and the hopeful birds were singing
cheerfully As I walked to and fro in the garden and the twilight began to
close around me their little voices were hushed and that peculiar silence
which belongs to such an evening in the country when the lightest trees are
quite still save for the occasional droppings from their boughs prevailed
There was a little green perspective of trelliswork and ivy at the side of
our cottage through which I could see from the garden where I was walking
into the road before the house I happened to turn my eyes towards this place
as I was thinking of many things and I saw a figure beyond dressed in a plain
cloak It was bending eagerly towards me and beckoning
»Martha« said I going to it
»Can you come with me« she inquired in an agitated whisper »I have been
to him and he is not at home I wrote down where he was to come and left it on
his table with my own hand They said he would not be out long I have tidings
for him Can you come directly«
My answer was to pass out at the gate immediately She made a hasty gesture
with her hand as if to entreat my patience and my silence and turned towards
London whence as her dress betokened she had come expeditiously on foot
I asked her if that were not our destination On her motioning Yes with the
same hasty gesture as before I stopped an empty coach that was coming by and
we got into it When I asked her where the coachman was to drive she answered
»Anywhere near Golden Square And quick« then shrunk into a corner with one
trembling hand before her face and the other making the former gesture as if
she could not bear a voice
Now much disturbed and dazzled with conflicting gleams of hope and dread I
looked at her for some explanation But seeing how strongly she desired to
remain quiet and feeling that it was my own natural inclination too at such a
time I did not attempt to break the silence We proceeded without a word being
spoken Sometimes she glanced out of the window as though she thought we were
going slowly though indeed we were going fast but otherwise remained exactly
as at first
We alighted at one of the entrances to the Square she had mentioned where I
directed the coach to wait not knowing but that we might have some occasion for
it She laid her hand on my arm and hurried me on to one of the sombre streets
of which there are several in that part where the houses were once fair
dwellings in the occupation of single families but have and had long
degenerated into poor lodgings let off in rooms Entering at the open door of
one of these and releasing my arm she beckoned me to follow her up the common
staircase which was like a tributary channel to the street
The house swarmed with inmates As we went up doors of rooms were opened
and peoples heads put out and we passed other people on the stairs who were
coming down In glancing up from the outside before we entered I had seen
women and children lolling at the windows over flowerpots and we seemed to have
attracted their curiosity for these were principally the observers who looked
out of their doors It was a broad panelled staircase with massive balustrades
of some dark wood cornices above the doors ornamented with carved fruit and
flowers and broad seats in the windows But all these tokens of past grandeur
were miserably decayed and dirty rot damp and age had weakened the flooring
which in many places was unsound and even unsafe Some attempts had been made I
noticed to infuse new blood into this dwindling frame by repairing the costly
old woodwork here and there with common deal but it was like the marriage of a
reduced old noble to a plebeian pauper and each party to the illassorted union
shrunk away from the other Several of the back windows on the staircase had
been darkened or wholly blocked up In those that remained there was scarcely
any glass and through the crumbling frames by which the bad air seemed always
to come in and never to go out I saw through other glassless windows into
other houses in a similar condition and looked giddily down into a wretched
yard which was the common dustheap of the mansion
We proceeded to the topstory of the house Two or three times by the way
I thought I observed in the indistinct light the skirts of a female figure going
up before us As we turned to ascend the last flight of stairs between us and
the roof we caught a full view of this figure pausing for a moment at a door
Then it turned the handle and went in
»Whats this« said Martha in a whisper »She has gone into my room I
dont know her«
I knew her I had recognised her with amazement for Miss Dartle
I said something to the effect that it was a lady whom I had seen before in
a few words to my conductress and had scarcely done so when we heard her voice
in the room though not from where we stood what she was saying Martha with
an astonished look repeated her former action and softly led me up the stairs
and then by a little back door which seemed to have no lock and which she
pushed open with a touch into a small empty garret with a low sloping roof
little better than a cupboard Between this and the room she had called hers
there was a small door of communication standing partly open Here we stopped
breathless with our ascent and she placed her hand lightly on my lips I could
only see of the room beyond that it was pretty large that there was a bed in
it and that there were some common pictures of ships upon the walls I could
not see Miss Dartle or the person whom we had heard her address Certainly my
companion could not for my position was the best
A dead silence prevailed for some moments Martha kept one hand on my lips
and raised the other in a listening attitude
»It matters little to me her not being at home« said Rosa Dartle
haughtily »I know nothing of her It is you I come to see«
»Me« replied a soft voice
At the sound of it a thrill went through my frame For it was Emilys
»Yes« returned Miss Dartle »I have come to look at you What You are not
ashamed of the face that has done so much«
The resolute and unrelenting hatred of her tone its cold stern sharpness
and its mastered rage presented her before me as if I had seen her standing in
the light I saw the flashing black eyes and the passionwasted figure and I
saw the scar with its white track cutting through her lips quivering and
throbbing as she spoke
»I have come to see« she said »James Steerforths fancy the girl who ran
away with him and is the towntalk of the commonest people of her native place
the bold flaunting practised companion of persons like James Steerforth I
want to know what such a thing is like«
There was a rustle as if the unhappy girl on whom she heaped these taunts
ran towards the door and the speaker swiftly interposed herself before it It
was succeeded by a moments pause
When Miss Dartle spoke again it was through her set teeth and with a stamp
upon the ground
»Stay there« she said »or Ill proclaim you to the house and the whole
street If you try to evade me Ill stop you if its by the hair and raise
the very stones against you«
A frightened murmur was the only reply that reached my ears A silence
succeeded I did not know what to do Much as I desired to put an end to the
interview I felt that I had no right to present myself that it was for Mr
Peggotty alone to see her and recover her Would he never come I thought
impatiently
»So« said Rosa Dartle with a contemptuous laugh »I see her at last Why
he was a poor creature to be taken by that delicate mockmodesty and that
hanging head«
»Oh for Heavens sake spare me« exclaimed Emily »Whoever you are you
know my pitiable story and for Heavens sake spare me if you would be spared
yourself«
»If I would be spared« returned the other fiercely »what is there in
common between us do you think«
»Nothing but our sex« said Emily with a burst of tears
»And that« said Rosa Dartle »is so strong a claim preferred by one so
infamous that if I had any feeling in my breast but scorn and abhorrence of
you it would freeze it up Our sex You are an honour to our sex«
»I have deserved this« cried Emily »but its dreadful Dear dear lady
think what I have suffered and how I am fallen Oh Martha come back Oh
home home«
Miss Dartle placed herself in a chair within view of the door and looked
downward as if Emily were crouching on the floor before her Being now between
me and the light I could see her curled lip and her cruel eyes intently fixed
on one place with a greedy triumph
»Listen to what I say« she said »and reserve your false arts for your
dupes Do you hope to move me by your tears No more than you could charm me by
your smiles you purchased slave«
»Oh have some mercy on me« cried Emily »Show me some compassion or I
shall die mad«
»It would be no great penance« said Rosa Dartle »for your crimes Do you
know what you have done Do you ever think of the home you have laid waste«
»Oh is there ever night or day when I dont think of it« cried Emily and
now I could just see her on her knees with her head thrown back her pale face
looking upward her hands wildly clasped and held out and her hair streaming
about her »Has there ever been a single minute waking or sleeping when it
hasnt been before me just as it used to be in the lost days when I turned my
back upon it for ever and for ever Oh home home Oh dear dear uncle if you
ever could have known the agony your love would cause me when I fell away from
good you never would have shown it to me so constant much as you felt it but
would have been angry to me at least once in my life that I might have had
some comfort I have none none no comfort upon earth for all of them were
always fond of me« She dropped on her face before the imperious figure in the
chair with an imploring effort to clasp the skirt of her dress
Rosa Dartle sat looking down upon her as inflexible as a figure of brass
Her lips were tightly compressed as if she knew that she must keep a strong
constraint upon herself I write what I sincerely believe or she would be
tempted to strike the beautiful form with her foot I saw her distinctly and
the whole power of her face and character seemed forced into that expression
Would he never come
»The miserable vanity of these earthworms« she said when she had so far
controlled the angry heavings of her breast that she could trust herself to
speak »Your home Do you imagine that I bestow a thought on it or suppose you
could do any harm to that low place which money would not pay for and
handsomely Your home You were a part of the trade of your home and were
bought and sold like any other vendible thing your people dealt in«
»Oh not that« cried Emily »Say anything of me but dont visit my disgrace
and shame more than I have done on folks who are as honourable as you Have
some respect for them as you are a lady if you have no mercy for me«
»I speak« she said not deigning to take any heed of this appeal and
drawing away her dress from the contamination of Emilys touch »I speak of his
home where I live Here« she said stretching out her hand with her
contemptuous laugh and looking down upon the prostrate girl »is a worthy cause
of division between ladymother and gentlemanson of grief in a house where she
wouldnt have been admitted as a kitchengirl of anger and repining and
reproach This piece of pollution picked up from the waterside to be made much
of for an hour and then tossed back to her original place«
»No no« cried Emily clasping her hands together »When he first came into
my way that the day had never dawned upon me and he had met me being carried
to my grave I had been brought up as virtuous as you or any lady and was
going to be the wife of as good a man as you or any lady in the world can ever
marry If you live in his home and know him you know perhaps what his power
with a weak vain girl might be I dont defend myself but I know well and he
knows well or he will know when he comes to die and his mind is troubled with
it that he used all his power to deceive me and that I believed him trusted
him and loved him«
Rosa Dartle sprang up from her seat recoiled and in recoiling struck at
her with a face of such malignity so darkened and disfigured by passion that
I had almost thrown myself between them The blow which had no aim fell upon
the air As she now stood panting looking at her with the utmost detestation
that she was capable of expressing and trembling from head to foot with rage
and scorn I thought I had never seen such a sight and never could see such
another
»You love him You« she cried with her clenched hand quivering as if it
only wanted a weapon to stab the object of her wrath
Emily had shrunk out of my view There was no reply
»And tell that to me« she added »with your shameful lips Why dont they
whip these creatures If I could order it to be done I would have this girl
whipped to death«
And so she would I have no doubt I would not have trusted her with the
rack itself while that furious look lasted
She slowly very slowly broke into a laugh and pointed at Emily with her
hand as if she were a sight of shame for gods and men
»She love« she said »That carrion And he ever cared for her shed tell
me Ha ha The liars that these traders are«
Her mockery was worse than her undisguised rage Of the two I would have
much preferred to be the object of the latter But when she suffered it to
break loose it was only for a moment She had chained it up again and however
it might tear her within she subdued it to herself
»I came here you pure fountain of love« she said »to see as I began by
telling you what such a thing as you was like I was curious I am satisfied
Also to tell you that you had best seek that home of yours with all speed and
hide your head among those excellent people who are expecting you and whom your
money will console When its all gone you can believe and trust and love
again you know I thought you a broken toy that had lasted its time a
worthless spangle that was tarnished and thrown away But finding you true
gold a very lady and an illused innocent with a fresh heart full of love and
trustfulness which you look like and is quite consistent with your story I
have something more to say Attend to it for what I say Ill do Do you hear
me you fairy spirit What I say I mean to do«
Her rage got the better of her again for a moment but it passed over her
face like a spasm and left her smiling
»Hide yourself« she pursued »if not at home somewhere Let it be
somewhere beyond reach in some obscure life or better still in some obscure
death I wonder if your loving heart will not break you have found no way of
helping it to be still I have heard of such means sometimes I believe they may
be easily found«
A low crying on the part of Emily interrupted her here She stopped and
listened to it as if it were music
»I am of a strange nature perhaps« Rosa Dartle went on »but I cant
breathe freely in the air you breathe I find it sickly Therefore I will have
it cleared I will have it purified of you If you live here tomorrow Ill
have your story and your character proclaimed on the common stair There are
decent women in the house I am told and it is a pity such a light as you
should be among them and concealed If leaving here you seek any refuge in
this town in any character but your true one which you are welcome to bear
without molestation from me the same service shall be done you if I hear of
your retreat Being assisted by a gentleman who not long ago aspired to the
favour of your hand I am sanguine as to that«
Would he never never come How long was I to bear this How long could I
bear it
»Oh me oh me« exclaimed the wretched Emily in a tone that might have
touched the hardest heart I should have thought but there was no relenting in
Rosa Dartles smile »What what shall I do«
»Do« returned the other »Live happy in your own reflections Consecrate
your existence to the recollection of James Steerforths tenderness he would
have made you his servingmans wife would he not or to feeling grateful to
the upright and deserving creature who would have taken you as his gift Or if
those proud remembrances and the consciousness of your own virtues and the
honourable position to which they have raised you in the eyes of everything that
wears the human shape will not sustain you marry that good man and be happy
in his condescension If this will not do either die There are doorways and
dustheaps for such deaths and such despair find one and take your flight to
Heaven«
I heard a distant foot upon the stairs I knew it I was certain It was
his thank God
She moved slowly from before the door when she said this and passed out of
my sight
»But mark« she added slowly and sternly opening the other door to go
away »I am resolved for reasons that I have and hatreds that I entertain to
cast you out unless you withdraw from my reach altogether or drop your pretty
mask This is what I had to say and what I say I mean to do«
The foot upon the stairs came nearer nearer passed her as she went down
rushed into the room
»Uncle«
A fearful cry followed the word I paused a moment and looking in saw him
supporting her insensible figure in his arms He gazed for a few seconds in the
face then stooped to kiss it oh how tenderly and drew a handkerchief
before it
»Masr Davy« he said in a low tremulous voice when it was covered »I
thank my Heavnly Father as my dreams come true I thank Him hearty for having
guided of me in His own ways to my darling«
With those words he took her up in his arms and with the veiled face lying
on his bosom and addressed towards his own carried her motionless and
unconscious down the stairs
Chapter LI
The Beginning of a Longer Journey
It was yet early in the morning of the following day when as I was walking in
my garden with my aunt who took little other exercise now being so much in
attendance on my dear Dora I was told that Mr Peggotty desired to speak with
me He came into the garden to meet me halfway on my going towards the gate
and bared his head as it was always his custom to do when he saw my aunt for
whom he had a high respect I had been telling her all that had happened
overnight Without saying a word she walked up with a cordial face shook
hands with him and patted him on the arm It was so expressively done that she
had no need to say a word Mr Peggotty understood her quite as well as if she
had said a thousand
»Ill go in now Trot« said my aunt »and look after Little Blossom who
will be getting up presently«
»Not along of my being heer maam I hope« said Mr Peggotty »Unless my
wits is gone a bands neezing« by which Mr Peggotty meant to say
birdsnesting »this morning tis along of me as youre a going to quit us«
»You have something to say my good friend« returned my aunt »and will do
better without me«
»By your leave maam« returned Mr Peggotty »I should take it kind
pervising you doent mind my clicketten if youd bide heer«
»Would you« said my aunt with short goodnature »Then I am sure I will«
So she drew her arm through Mr Peggottys and walked with him to a leafy
little summerhouse there was at the bottom of the garden where she sat down on
a bench and I beside her There was a seat for Mr Peggotty too but he
preferred to stand leaning his hand on the small rustic table As he stood
looking at his cap for a little while before beginning to speak I could not
help observing what power and force of character his sinewy hand expressed and
what a good and trusty companion it was to his honest brow and irongrey hair
»I took my dear child away last night« Mr Peggotty began as he raised his
eyes to ours »to my lodging wheer I have a long time been expecting of her and
preparing fur her It was hours afore she knowed me right and when she did she
kneeled down at my feet and kiender said to me as if it was her prayers how
it all come to be You may believe me when I heerd her voice as I had heerd at
home so playful and see her humbled as it might be in the dust our Saviour
wrote in with his blessed hand I felt a wownd go to my art in the midst of
all its thankfulness«
He drew his sleeve across his face without any pretence of concealing why
and then cleared his voice
»It warnt for long as I felt that for she was found I had ony to think
as she was found and it was gone I doent know why I do so much as mention of
it now Im sure I didnt have it in my mind a minute ago to say a word about
myself but it come up so natural that I yielded to it afore I was aweer«
»You are a self-denying soul« said my aunt »and will have your reward«
Mr Peggotty with the shadows of the leaves playing athwart his face made
a surprised inclination of the head towards my aunt as an acknowledgment of her
good opinion then took up the thread he had relinquished
»When my Emly took flight« he said in stern wrath for the moment »from
the house wheer she was made a prisner by that theer spotted snake as Masr
Davy see and his storys trew and may GOD confound him she took flight in
the night It was a dark night with a many stars a shining She was wild She
ran along the sea beach believing the old boat was theer and calling out to us
to turn away our faces for she was a coming by She heerd herself a crying out
like as if it was another person and cut herself on them sharppinted stones
and rocks and felt it no more than if she had been rock herself Ever so fur
she run and there was fire afore her eyes and roarings in her ears Of a
sudden or so she thowt you unnerstand the day broke wet and windy and she
was lying blow a heap of stone upon the shore and a woman was a speaking to
her saying in the language of that country what was it as had gone so much
amiss«
He saw everything he related It passed before him as he spoke so vividly
that in the intensity of his earnestness he presented what he described to me
with greater distinctness than I can express I can hardly believe writing now
long afterwards but that I was actually present in these scenes they are
impressed upon me with such an astonishing air of fidelity
»As Emlys eyes which was heavy see this woman better« Mr Peggotty
went on »she knowd as she was one of them as she had often talked to on the
beach Fur though she had run as I have said ever so fur in the night she
had oftentimes wandered long ways partly afoot partly in boats and carriages
and knowd all that country long the coast miles and miles She hadnt no
children of her own this woman being a young wife but she was a looking to
have one afore long And may my prayers go up to Heaven that twill be a
happness to her and a comfort and a honour all her life May it love her and
be dootiful to her in her old age helpful of her at the last a Angel to her
heer and heerafter«
»Amen« said my aunt
»She had been summat timorous and down« said Mr Peggotty »and had sat at
first a little way off at her spinning or such work as it was when Emly
talked to the children But Emly had took notice of her and had gone and spoke
to her and as the young woman was partial to the children herself they had
soon made friends Sermuchser that when Emly went that way she always giv
Emly flowers This was her as now asked what it was that had gone so much
amiss Emly told her and she took her home She did indeed She took her
home« said Mr Peggotty covering his face
He was more affected by this act of kindness than I had ever seen him
affected by anything since the night she went away My aunt and I did not
attempt to disturb him
»It was a little cottage you may suppose« he said presently »but she
found space for Emly in it her husband was away at sea and she kep it
secret and prevailed upon such neighbours as she had they was not many near
to keep it secret too Emly was took bad with fever and what is very strange
to me is maybe tis not so strange to scholars the language of that
country went out of her head and she could only speak her own that no one
unnerstood She recollects as if she had dreamed it that she lay there always
a talking her own tongue always believing as the old boat was round the next
pint in the bay and begging and imploring of em to send theer and tell how she
was dying and bring back a message of forgiveness if it was ony a wured
Amost the whole time she thowt now that him as I made mention on just now
was lurking for her unnerneath the winder now that him as had brought her to
this was in the room and cried to the good young woman not to give her up
and knowd at the same time that she couldnt unnerstand and dreaded that she
must be took away Likewise the fire was afore her eyes and the roarings in her
ears and there was no today nor yesterday nor yet tomorrow but everything
in her life as ever had been or as ever could be and everything as never had
been and as never could be was a crowding on her all at once and nothing
clear nor welcome and yet she sang and laughed about it How long this lasted
I doent know but then there come a sleep and in that sleep from being a many
times stronger than her own self she fell into the weakness of the littlest
child«
Here he stopped as if for relief from the terrors of his own description
After being silent for a few moments he pursued his story
»It was a pleasant arternoon when she awoke and so quiet that there warnt
a sound but the rippling of that blue sea without a tide upon the shore It was
her belief at first that she was at home upon a Sunday morning but the vine
leaves as she see at the winder and the hills beyond warnt home and
contradicted of her Then come in her friend to watch alongside of her bed
and then she knowd as the old boat warnt round that next pint in the bay no
more but was fur off and knowd where she was and why and broke out a crying
on that good young womans bosom wheer I hope her baby is a lying now a
cheering of her with its pretty eyes«
He could not speak of this good friend of Emilys without a flow of tears
It was in vain to try He broke down again endeavouring to bless her
»That done my Emly good« he resumed after such emotion as I could not
behold without sharing in and as to my aunt she wept with all her heart »that
done Emly good and she begun to mend But the language of that country was
quite gone from her and she was forced to make signs So she went on getting
better from day to day slow but sure and trying to learn the names of common
things names as she seemed never to have heerd in all her life till one
evening come when she was a setting at her window looking at a little girl at
play upon the beach And of a sudden this child held out her hand and said
what would be in English Fishermans daughter heres a shell for you are to
unnerstand that they used at first to call her Pretty lady as the general way
in that country is and that she had taught em to call her Fishermans daughter
instead The child says of a sudden Fishermans daughter heres a shell Then
Emly unnerstands her and she answers bursting out a crying and it all comes
back
When Emly got strong again« said Mr Peggotty after another short
interval of silence »she casts about to leave that good young creetur and get
to her own country The husband was come home then and the two together put
her aboard a small trader bound to Leghorn and from that to France She had a
little money but it was less than little as they would take for all they done
Im amost glad on it though they was so poor What they done is laid up wheer
neither moth nor rust doth corrupt and wheer thieves do not break through nor
steal Masr Davy itll outlast all the treasure in the wureld
Emly got to France and took service to wait on travelling ladies at a inn
in the port Theer theer come one day that snake Let him never come nigh
me I doent know what hurt I might do him Soon as she see him without him
seeing her all her fear and wildness returned upon her and she fled afore the
very breath he drawd She come to England and was set ashore at Dover
I doent know« said Mr Peggotty »for sure when her art begun to fail
her but all the way to England she had thowt to come to her dear home Soon as
she got to England she turned her face towrds it But fear of not being
forgiv fear of being pinted at fear of some of us being dead along of her
fear of many things turned her from it kiender by force upon the road Uncle
uncle she says to me the fear of not being worthy to do what my torn and
bleeding breast so longed to do was the most frightning fear of all I turned
back when my art was full of prayers that I might crawl to the old doorstep
in the night kiss it lay my wicked face upon it and theer be found dead in
the morning
She come« said Mr Peggotty dropping his voice to an awestricken whisper
»to London She as had never seen it in her life alone without a penny
young so pretty come to London Almost the moment as she lighted heer all
so desolate she found as she believed a friend a decent woman as spoke to
her about the needlework as she had been brought up to do about finding plenty
of it fur her about a lodging for the night and making secret inquiration
concerning of me and all at home tomorrow When my child« he said aloud and
with an energy of gratitude that shook him from head to foot »stood upon the
brink of more than I can say or think on Martha trew to her promise saved
her«
I could not repress a cry of joy
»Masr Davy« said he griping my hand in that strong hand of his »it was
you as first made mention of her to me I thankee sir She was arnest She had
knowd of her bitter knowledge wheer to watch and what to do She had done it
And the Lord was above all She come white and hurried upon Emly in her
sleep She says to her Rise up from worse than death and come with me Them
belonging to the house would have stopped her but they might as soon have
stopped the sea Stand away from me she says I am a ghost that calls her from
beside her open grave She told Emly she had seen me and knowd I loved her
and forgive her She wrapped her hasty in her clothes She took her faint and
trembling on her arm She heeded no more what they said than if she had had no
ears She walked among em with my child minding only her and brought her safe
out in the dead of the night from that black pit of ruin
She attended on Emly« said Mr Peggotty who had released my hand and put
his own hand on his heaving chest »she attended to my Emly lying wearied out
and wandering betwixt whiles till late next day Then she went in search of me
then in search of you Masr Davy She didnt tell Emly what she come out fur
lest her art should fail and she should think of hiding of herself How the
cruel lady knowd of her being theer I cant say Whether him as I have spoke
so much of chanced to see em going theer or whether which is most like to my
thinking he had heerd it from the woman I doent greatly ask myself My niece
is found.
All night long« said Mr Peggotty »we have been together Emly and me
Tis little considering the time as she has said in wureds through them
brokenhearted tears tis less as I have seen of her dear face as growd into
a womans at my hearth But all night long her arms has been about my neck
and her head has laid heer and we knows full well as we can put our trust in
one another ever more«
He ceased to speak and his hand upon the table rested there in perfect
repose with a resolution in it that might have conquered lions
»It was a gleam of light upon me Trot« said my aunt drying her eyes
»when I formed the resolution of being godmother to your sister Betsey Trotwood
who disappointed me but next to that hardly anything would have given me
greater pleasure than to be godmother to that good young creatures baby«
Mr Peggotty nodded his understanding of my aunts feelings but could not
trust himself with any verbal reference to the subject of her commendation We
all remained silent and occupied with our own reflections my aunt drying her
eyes and now sobbing convulsively and now laughing and calling herself a
fool until I spoke
»You have quite made up your mind« said I to Mr Peggotty »as to the
future good friend I need scarcely ask you«
»Quite Masr Davy« he returned »and told Emly Theers mighty countries
fur from heer Our future life lays over the sea«
»They will emigrate together aunt« said I
»Yes« said Mr Peggotty with a hopeful smile »No one cant reproach my
darling in Australia We will begin a new life over theer«
I asked him if he yet proposed to himself any time for going away
»I was down at the Docks early this morning sir« he returned »to get
information concerning of them ships In about six weeks or two months from now
therell be one sailing I see her this morning went aboard and we shall
take our passage in her«
»Quite alone« I asked
»Aye Masr Davy« he returned »My sister you see shes that fond of you
and yourn and that accustomed to think ony of her own country that it
wouldnt be hardly fair to let her go Besides which theers one she has in
charge Masr Davy as doent ought to be forgot«
»Poor Ham« said I
»My good sister takes care of his house you see maam and he takes kindly
to her« Mr Peggotty explained for my aunts better information »Hell set and
talk to her with a calm spirit wen its like he couldnt bring himself to open
his lips to another Poor fellow« said Mr Peggotty shaking his head »theers
not so much left him that he could spare the little as he has«
»And Mrs Gummidge« said I
»Well Ive had a mort of consideration I do tell you« returned Mr
Peggotty with a perplexed look which gradually cleared as he went on
»concerning of Missis Gummidge You see wen Missis Gummidge falls a thinking of
the old un she ant what you may call good company Betwixt you and me Masr
Davy and you maam wen Mrs Gummidge takes to wimicking« our old county
word for crying »shes liable to be considered to be by them as didnt know
the old un peevishlike Now I did know the old un« said Mr Peggotty »and
I knowd his merits so I unnerstan her but tant entirely so you see with
others natrally cant be«
My aunt and I both acquiesced
»Wheerby« said Mr Peggotty »my sister might I doent say she would but
might find Missis Gummidge give her a leetle trouble nowandagain Therefur
tant my intentions to moor Missis Gummidge long with them but to find a
Bein fur her wheer she can fisherate for herself« A Bein signifies in that
dialect a home and to fisherate is to provide »Fur which purpose« said Mr
Peggotty »I means to make her a lowance afore I go asll leave her pretty
comfortble Shes the faithfullest of creeturs Tant to be expected of
course at her time of life and being lone and lorn as the good old Mawther is
to be knocked about aboardship and in the woods and wilds of a new and furaway
country So thats what Im a going to do with her«
He forgot nobody He thought of everybodys claims and strivings but his
own
»Emly« he continued »will keep along with me poor child shes sore in
need of peace and rest until such time as we goes upon our voyage Shell
work at them clothes as must be made and I hope her troubles will begin to
seem longer ago than they was wen she finds herself once more by her rough but
loving uncle«
My aunt nodded confirmation of this hope and imparted great satisfaction to
Mr Peggotty
»Theers one thing furder Masr Davy« said he putting his hand in his
breastpocket and gravely taking out the little paper bundle I had seen before
which he unrolled on the table »Theers these heer banknotes fifty pound
and ten To them I wish to add the money as she come away with Ive asked her
about that but not saying why and have added of it up I ant a scholar
Would you be so kind as see how tis«
He handed me apologetically for his scholarship a piece of paper and
observed me while I looked it over It was quite right
»Thankee sir« he said taking it back »This money if you doent see
objections Masr Davy I shall put up jest afore I go in a cover drected to
him and put that up in another drected to his mother I shall tell her in no
more wureds than I speak to you what its the price on and that Im gone and
past receiving of it back«
I told him that I thought it would be right to do so that I was thoroughly
convinced it would be since he felt it to be right
»I said that theer was ony one thing furder« he proceeded with a grave
smile when he had made up his little bundle again and put it in his pocket
»but theer was two I warnt sure in my mind wen I come out this morning as I
could go and break to Ham of my own self what had so thankfully happened So I
writ a letter while I was out and put it in the postoffice telling of em how
all was as tis and that I should come down tomorrow to unload my mind of what
little needs a doing of down theer and mostlike take my farewell leave of
Yarmouth«
»And do you wish me to go with you« said I seeing that he left something
unsaid
»If you could do me that kind favour Masr Davy« he replied »I know the
sight on you would cheer em up a bit«
My little Dora being in good spirits and very desirous that I should go
as I found on talking it over with her I readily pledged myself to accompany
him in accordance with his wish Next morning consequently we were on the
Yarmouth coach and again travelling over the old ground
As we passed along the familiar street at night Mr Peggotty in despite
of all my remonstrances carrying my bag I glanced into Omer and Jorams shop
and saw my old friend Mr Omer there smoking his pipe I felt reluctant to be
present when Mr Peggotty first met his sister and Ham and made Mr Omer my
excuse for lingering behind
»How is Mr Omer after this long time« said I going in
He fanned away the smoke of his pipe that he might get a better view of me
and soon recognised me with great delight
»I should get up sir to acknowledge such an honour as this visit« said
he »only my limbs are rather out of sorts and I am wheeled about With the
exception of my limbs and my breath howsever I am as hearty as a man can be
Im thankful to say«
I congratulated him on his contented looks and his good spirits and saw
now that his easy chair went on wheels
»Its an ingenious thing aint it« he inquired following the direction of
my glance and polishing the elbow with his arm »It runs as light as a feather
and tracks as true as a mailcoach Bless you my little Minnie my
granddaughter you know Minnies child puts her little strength against the
back gives it a shove and away we go as clever and merry as ever you see
anything And I tell you what its a most uncommon chair to smoke a pipe in«
I never saw such a good old fellow to make the best of a thing and find out
the enjoyment of it as Mr Omer He was as radiant as if his chair his
asthma and the failure of his limbs were the various branches of a great
invention for enchancing the luxury of a pipe
»I see more of the world I can assure you« said Mr Omer »in this chair
than ever I see out of it Youd be surprised at the number of people that looks
in of a day to have a chat You really would Theres twice as much in the
newspaper since Ive taken to this chair as there used to be As to general
reading dear me what a lot of it I do get through Thats what I feel so
strong you know If it had been my eyes what should I have done If it had
been my ears what should I have done Being my limbs what does it signify
Why my limbs only made my breath shorter when I used em And now if I want to
go out into the street or down to the sands Ive only got to call Dick Jorams
youngest prentice and away I go in my own carriage like the Lord Mayor of
London«
He half suffocated himself with laughing here
»Lord bless you« said Mr Omer resuming his pipe »a man must take the fat
with the lean thats what he must make up his mind to in this life Joram does
a fine business Excellent business«
»I am very glad to hear it« said I
»I knew you would be« said Mr Omer »And Joram and Minnie are like
valentines What more can a man expect Whats his limbs to that«
His supreme contempt for his own limbs as he sat smoking was one of the
pleasantest oddities I have ever encountered
»And since Ive took to general reading youve took to general writing eh
sir« said Mr Omer surveying me admiringly »What a lovely work that was of
yours What expressions in it I read it every word every word And as to
feeling sleepy Not at all«
I laughingly expressed my satisfaction but I must confess that I thought
this association of ideas significant
»I give you my word and honour sir« said Mr Omer »that when I lay that
book upon the table and look at it outside compact in three separate and
indiwidual wollumes one two three I am as proud as Punch to think that I
once had the honour of being connected with your family And dear me its a
long time ago now aint it Over at Blunderstone With a pretty little party
laid along with the other party And you quite a small party then yourself
Dear dear«
I changed the subject by referring to Emily After assuring him that I did
not forget how interested he had always been in her and how kindly he had
always treated her I gave him a general account of her restoration to her uncle
by the aid of Martha which I knew would please the old man He listened with
the utmost attention and said feelingly when I had done
»I am rejoiced at it sir Its the best news I have heard for many a day
Dear dear dear And whats going to be undertook for that unfortunate young
woman Martha now«
»You touch a point that my thoughts have been dwelling on since yesterday«
said I »but on which I can give you no information yet Mr Omer Mr Peggotty
has not alluded to it and I have a delicacy in doing so I am sure he has not
forgotten it He forgets nothing that is disinterested and good«
»Because you know« said Mr Omer taking himself up where he had left off
»whatever is done I should wish to be a member of Put me down for anything you
may consider right and let me know I never could think the girl all bad and I
am glad to find shes not So will my daughter Minnie be Young women are
contradictory creatures in some things her mother was just the same as her
but their hearts are soft and kind Its all show with Minnie about Martha Why
she should consider it necessary to make any show I dont undertake to tell
you But its all show bless you Shed do her any kindness in private So put
me down for whatever you may consider right will you be so good and drop me a
line where to forward it Dear me« said Mr Omer »when a man is drawing on to
a time of life where the two ends of life meet when he finds himself however
hearty he is being wheeled about for the second time in a speeches of gocart
he should be overrejoiced to do a kindness if he can He wants plenty And I
dont speak of myself particular« said Mr Omer »because sir the way I look
at it is that we are all drawing on to the bottom of the hill whatever age we
are on account of time never standing still for a single moment So let us
always do a kindness and be overrejoiced To be sure«
He knocked the ashes out of his pipe and put it on a ledge in the back of
his chair expressly made for its reception
»Theres Emlys cousin him that she was to have been married to« said Mr
Omer rubbing his hands feebly »as fine a fellow as there is in Yarmouth Hell
come and talk or read to me in the evening for an hour together sometimes
Thats a kindness I should call it All his lifes a kindness«
»I am going to see him now« said I
»Are you« said Mr Omer »Tell him I was hearty and sent my respects
Minnie and Jorams at a ball They would be as proud to see you as I am if they
was at home Minnie wont hardly go out at all you see on account of father
as she says So I swore tonight that if she didnt go Id go to bed at six
In consequence of which« Mr Omer shook himself and his chair with laughter at
the success of his device »she and Jorams at a ball«
I shook hands with him and wished him good night
»Half a minute sir« said Mr Omer »If you was to go without seeing my
little elephant youd lose the best of sights You never see such a sight
Minnie«
A musical little voice answered from somewhere upstairs »I am coming
grandfather« and a pretty little girl with long flaxen curling hair soon
came running into the shop
»This is my little elephant sir« said Mr Omer fondling the child
»Siamese breed sir Now little elephant«
The little elephant set the door of the parlour open enabling me to see
that in these latter days it was converted into a bedroom for Mr Omer who
could not be easily conveyed upstairs and then hid her pretty forehead and
tumbled her long hair against the back of Mr Omers chair
»The elephant butts you know sir« said Mr Omer winking »when he goes
at a object Once elephant Twice Three times«
At this signal the little elephant with a dexterity that was next to
marvellous in so small an animal whisked the chair round with Mr Omer in it
and rattled it off pellmell into the parlour without touching the doorpost
Mr Omer indescribably enjoying the performance and looking back at me on the
road as if it were the triumphant issue of his lifes exertions
After a stroll about the town I went to Hams house Peggotty had now
removed here for good and had let her own house to the successor of Mr Barkis
in the carrying business who had paid her very well for the goodwill cart and
horse I believe the very same slow horse that Mr Barkis drove was still at
work
I found them in the neat kitchen accompanied by Mrs Gummidge who had been
fetched from the old boat by Mr Peggotty himself I doubt if she could have
been induced to desert her post by any one else He had evidently told them
all Both Peggotty and Mrs Gummidge had their aprons to their eyes and Ham had
just stepped out to take a turn on the beach He presently came home very glad
to see me and I hope they were all the better for my being there We spoke
with some approach to cheerfulness of Mr Peggottys growing rich in a new
country and of the wonders he would describe in his letters We said nothing of
Emily by name but distantly referred to her more than once Ham was the
serenest of the party
But Peggotty told me when she lighted me to a little chamber where the
Crocodile book was lying ready for me on the table that he always was the same
She believed she told me crying that he was brokenhearted though he was as
full of courage as of sweetness and worked harder and better than any
boatbuilder in any yard in all that part There were times she said of an
evening when he talked of their old life in the boathouse and then he
mentioned Emily as a child But he never mentioned her as a woman
I thought I had read in his face that he would like to speak to me alone I
therefore resolved to put myself in his way next evening as he came home from
his work Having settled this with myself I fell asleep That night for the
first time in all those many nights the candle was taken out of the window Mr
Peggotty swung in his old hammock in the old boat and the wind murmured with
the old sound round his head
All next day he was occupied in disposing of his fishingboat and tackle
in packing up and sending to London by waggon such of his little domestic
possessions as he thought would be useful to him and in parting with the rest
or bestowing them on Mrs Gummidge She was with him all day As I had a
sorrowful wish to see the old place once more before it was locked up I
engaged to meet them there in the evening But I so arranged it as that I
should meet Ham first
It was easy to come in his way as I knew where he worked I met him at a
retired part of the sands which I knew he would cross and turned back with
him that he might have leisure to speak to me if he really wished I had not
mistaken the expression of his face We had walked but a little way together
when he said without looking at me
»Masr Davy have you seen her«
»Only for a moment when she was in a swoon« I softly answered
We walked a little farther and he said
»Masr Davy shall you see her dye think«
»It would be too painful to her perhaps« said I
»I have thowt of that« he replied »So twould sir so twould«
»But Ham« said I gently »if there is anything that I could write to her
for you in case I could not tell it if there is anything you would wish to
make known to her through me I should consider it a sacred trust«
»I am sure ont I thankee sir most kind I think theer is something I
could wish said or wrote«
»What is it«
We walked a little farther in silence and then he spoke
»Tant that I forgive her Tant that so much Tis more as I beg of her
to forgive me for having pressed my affections upon her Odd times I think
that if I hadnt had her promise fur to marry me sir she was that trustful of
me in a friendly way that shed have told me what was struggling in her mind
and would have counselled with me and I might have saved her«
I pressed his hand »Is that all«
»Theers yet a something else« he returned »if I can say it Masr Davy«
We walked on farther than we had walked yet before he spoke again He was
not crying when he made the pauses I shall express by lines He was merely
collecting himself to speak very plainly
»I loved her and I love the memry of her too deep to be able to lead
her to believe of my own self as Im a happy man I could only be happy by
forgetting of her and Im afeerd I couldnt hardly bear as she should be told
I done that But if you being so full of learning Masr Davy could think of
anything to say as might bring her to believe I wasnt greatly hurt still
loving of her and mourning for her anything as might bring her to believe as I
was not tired of my life and yet was hoping fur to see her without blame wheer
the wicked cease from troubling and the weary are at rest anything as would
ease her sorrowful mind and yet not make her think as I could ever marry or as
twas possible that any one could ever be to me what she was I should ask of
you to say that with my prayers for her that was so dear«
I pressed his manly hand again and told him I would charge myself to do
this as well as I could
»I thankee sir« he answered »Twas kind of you to meet me Twas kind of
you to bear him company down Masr Davy I unnerstan very well though my aunt
will come to Lonon afore they sail and theyll unite once more that I am not
like to see him agen I fare to feel sure ont We doent say so but so twill
be and better so The last you see on him the very last will you give him
the lovingest duty and thanks of the orphan as he was ever more than a father
to«
This I also promised faithfully
»I thankee agen sir« he said heartily shaking hands »I know wheer youre
a going Goodbye«
With a slight wave of his hand as though to explain to me that he could not
enter the old place he turned away As I looked after his figure crossing the
waste in the moonlight I saw him turn his face towards a strip of silvery light
upon the sea and pass on looking at it until he was a shadow in the distance
The door of the boathouse stood open when I approached and on entering I
found it emptied of all its furniture saving one of the old lockers on which
Mrs Gummidge with a basket on her knee was seated looking at Mr Peggotty
He leaned his elbow on the rough chimneypiece and gazed upon a few expiring
embers in the grate but he raised his head hopefully on my coming in and
spoke in a cheery manner
»Come according to promise to bid farewell to t eh Masr Davy« he
said taking up the candle »Bare enough now ant it«
»Indeed you have made good use of the time« said I
»Why we have not been idle sir Missis Gummidge has worked like a I
doent know what Missis Gummidge ant worked like« said Mr Peggotty looking
at her at a loss for a sufficiently approving simile
Mrs Gummidge leaning on her basket made no observation
»Theers the very locker that you used to sit on long with Emly« said
Mr Peggotty in a whisper »Im a going to carry it away with me last of all
And heers your old little bedroom see Masr Davy Almost as bleak tonight
as art could wish«
In truth the wind though it was low had a solemn sound and crept around
the deserted house with a whispered wailing that was very mournful Everything
was gone down to the little mirror with the oystershell frame I thought of
myself lying here when that first great change was being wrought at home I
thought of the blueeyed child who had enchanted me I thought of Steerforth
and a foolish fearful fancy came upon me of his being near at hand and liable
to be met at any turn
»Tis like to be long« said Mr Peggotty in a low voice »afore the boat
finds new tenants They look upon t down heer as being unfortnate now«
»Does it belong to anybody in the neighbourhood« I asked
»To a mastmaker up town« said Mr Peggotty »Im a going to give the key
to him tonight«
We looked into the other little room and came back to Mrs Gummidge
sitting on the locker whom Mr Peggotty putting the light on the
chimneypiece requested to rise that he might carry it outside the door before
extinguishing the candle
»Danl« said Mrs Gummidge suddenly deserting her basket and clinging to
his arm »my dear Danl the parting words I speak in this house is I mustnt
be left behind Doent ye think of leaving me behind Danl Oh doent ye ever
do it«
Mr Peggotty taken aback looked from Mrs Gummidge to me and from me to
Mrs Gummidge as if he had been awakened from a sleep
»Doent ye dearest Danl doent ye« cried Mrs Gummidge fervently »Take
me long with you Danl take me long with you and Emly Ill be your
servant constant and trew If theres slaves in them parts where youre a
going Ill be bound to you for one and happy but doent ye leave me behind
Danl thats a deary dear«
»My good soul« said Mr Peggotty shaking his head »you doent know what a
long voyage and what a hard life tis«
»Yes I do Danl I can guess« cried Mrs Gummidge »But my parting words
under this roof is I shall go into the house and die if I am not took I can
dig Danl I can work I can live hard I can be loving and patient now more
than you think Danl if youll ony try me I wouldnt touch the lowance not
if I was dying of want Danl Peggotty but Ill go with you and Emly if
youll ony let me to the worlds end I know how tis I know you think that I
am lone and lorn but deary love tant so no more I aint sat here so long
a watching and a thinking of your trials without some good being done me
Masr Davy speak to him for me I knows his ways and Emlys and I knows
their sorrows and can be a comfort to em some odd times and labour for em
allus Danl deary Danl let me go long with you«
And Mrs Gummidge took his hand and kissed it with a homely pathos and
affection in a homely rapture of devotion and gratitude that he well deserved
We brought the locker out extinguished the candle fastened the door on the
outside and left the old boat close shut up a dark speck in the cloudy night
Next day when we were returning to London outside the coach Mrs Gummidge and
her basket were on the seat behind and Mrs Gummidge was happy
Chapter LII
I Assist at an Explosion
When the time Mr Micawber had appointed so mysteriously was within
fourandtwenty hours of being come my aunt and I consulted how we should
proceed for my aunt was very unwilling to leave Dora Ah how easily I carried
Dora up and down stairs now
We were disposed notwithstanding Mr Micawbers stipulation for my aunts
attendance to arrange that she should stay at home and be represented by Mr
Dick and me In short we had resolved to take this course when Dora again
unsettled us by declaring that she never would forgive herself and never would
forgive her bad boy if my aunt remained behind on any pretence
»I wont speak to you« said Dora shaking her curls at my aunt »Ill be
disagreeable Ill make Jip bark at you all day I shall be sure that you really
are a cross old thing if you dont go«
»Tut Blossom« laughed my aunt »You know you cant do without me«
»Yes I can« said Dora »You are no use to me at all You never run up and
down stairs for me all day long You never sit and tell me stories about Doady
when his shoes were worn out and he was covered with dust oh what a poor
little mite of a fellow You never do anything at all to please me do you
dear« Dora made haste to kiss my aunt and say »Yes you do Im only joking«
lest my aunt should think she really meant it
»But aunt« said Dora coaxingly »now listen You must go I shall tease
you till you let me have my own way about it I shall lead my naughty boy such
a life if he dont make you go I shall make myself so disagreeable and so
will Jip Youll wish you had gone like a good thing for ever and ever so
long if you dont go Besides« said Dora putting back her hair and looking
wonderingly at my aunt and me »why shouldnt you both go I am not very ill
indeed Am I«
»Why what a question« cried my aunt
»What a fancy« said I
»Yes I know I am a silly little thing« said Dora slowly looking from one
of us to the other and then putting up her pretty lips to kiss us as she lay
upon her couch »Well then you must both go or I shall not believe you and
then I shall cry«
I saw in my aunts face that she began to give way now and Dora
brightened again as she saw it too
»Youll come back with so much to tell me that itll take at least a week
to make me understand« said Dora »Because I know I shant understand for a
length of time if theres any business in it And theres sure to be some
business in it If theres anything to add up besides I dont know when I
shall make it out and my bad boy will look so miserable all the time There
Now youll go wont you Youll only be gone one night and Jip will take care
of me while you are gone Doady will carry me upstairs before you go and I
wont come down again till you come back and you shall take Agnes a dreadfully
scolding letter from me because she has never been to see us«
We agreed without any more consultation that we would both go and that
Dora was a little Impostor who feigned to be rather unwell because she liked
to be petted She was greatly pleased and very merry and we four that is to
say my aunt Mr Dick Traddles and I went down to Canterbury by the Dover
mail that night
At the hotel where Mr Micawber had requested us to await him which we got
into with some trouble in the middle of the night I found a letter importing
that he would appear in the morning punctually at halfpast nine After which,
we went shivering at that uncomfortable hour to our respective beds through
various close passages which smelt as if they had been steeped for ages in a
solution of soup and stables
Early in the morning I sauntered through the dear old tranquil streets and
again mingled with the shadows of the venerable gateways and churches The rooks
were sailing about the cathedral towers and the towers themselves overlooking
many a long unaltered mile of the rich country and its pleasant streams were
cutting the bright morning air as if there were no such thing as change on
earth Yet the bells when they sounded told me sorrowfully of change in
everything told me of their own age and my pretty Doras youth and of the
many never old who had lived and loved and died while the reverberations of
the bells had hummed through the rusty armour of the Black Prince hanging up
within and motes upon the deep of Time had lost themselves in air as circles
do in water
I looked at the old house from the corner of the street but did not go
nearer to it lest being observed I might unwittingly do any harm to the
design I had come to aid The early sun was striking edgewise on its gables and
latticewindows touching them with gold and some beams of its old peace seemed
to touch my heart
I strolled into the country for an hour or so and then returned by the main
street which in the interval had shaken off its last nights sleep Among those
who were stirring in the shops I saw my ancient enemy the butcher now
advanced to topboots and a baby and in business for himself He was nursing
the baby and appeared to be a benignant member of society
We all became very anxious and impatient when we sat down to breakfast As
it approached nearer and nearer to halfpast nine oclock our restless
expectation of Mr Micawber increased At last we made no more pretence of
attending to the meal which except with Mr Dick had been a mere form from
the first but my aunt walked up and down the room Traddles sat upon the sofa
affecting to read the paper with his eyes on the ceiling and I looked out of
the window to give early notice of Mr Micawbers coming Nor had I long to
watch for at the first chime of the halfhour he appeared in the street
»Here he is« said I »and not in his legal attire«
My aunt tied the strings of her bonnet she had come down to breakfast in
it and put on her shawl as if she were ready for anything that was resolute
and uncompromising Traddles buttoned his coat with a determined air Mr Dick
disturbed by these formidable appearances but feeling it necessary to imitate
them pulled his hat with both hands as firmly over his ears as he possibly
could and instantly took it off again to welcome Mr Micawber
»Gentlemen and madam« said Mr Micawber »good morning My dear sir« to
Mr Dick who shook hands with him violently »you are extremely good«
»Have you breakfasted« said Mr Dick »Have a chop«
»Not for the world my good sir« cried Mr Micawber stopping him on his
way to the bell »appetite and myself Mr Dixon have long been strangers«
Mr Dixon was so well pleased with his new name and appeared to think it so
very obliging in Mr Micawber to confer it upon him that he shook hands with
him again and laughed rather childishly
»Dick« said my aunt »attention«
Mr Dick recovered himself with a blush
»Now sir« said my aunt to Mr Micawber as she put on her gloves »we are
ready for Mount Vesuvius or anything else as soon as you please«
»Madam« returned Mr Micawber »I trust you will shortly witness an
eruption Mr Traddles I have your permission I believe to mention here that
we have been in communication together«
»It is undoubtedly the fact Copperfield« said Traddles to whom I looked
in surprise »Mr Micawber has consulted me in reference to what he has in
contemplation and I have advised him to the best of my judgment«
»Unless I deceive myself Mr Traddles« pursued Mr Micawber »what I
contemplate is a disclosure of an important nature«
»Highly so« said Traddles
»Perhaps under such circumstances madam and gentlemen« said Mr Micawber
»you will do me the favour to submit yourselves for the moment to the
direction of one who however unworthy to be regarded in any other light but as
a Waif and Stray upon the shore of human nature is still your fellowman
though crushed out of his original form by individual errors and the
accumulative force of a combination of circumstances«
»We have perfect confidence in you Mr Micawber« said I »and will do what
you please«
»Mr Copperfield« returned Mr Micawber »your confidence is not at the
existing juncture illbestowed I would beg to be allowed a start of five
minutes by the clock and then to receive the present company inquiring for
Miss Wickfield at the office of Wickfield and Heep whose Stipendiary I am«
My aunt and I looked at Traddles who nodded his approval
»I have no more« observed Mr Micawber »to say at present«
With which to my infinite surprise he included us all in a comprehensive
bow and disappeared his manner being extremely distant and his face extremely
pale
Traddles only smiled and shook his head with his hair standing upright on
the top of it when I looked to him for an explanation so I took out my watch
and as a last resource counted off the five minutes My aunt with her own
watch in her hand did the like When the time was expired Traddles gave her
his arm and we all went out together to the old house without saying one word
on the way
We found Mr Micawber at his desk in the turret office on the ground floor
either writing or pretending to write hard The large officeruler was stuck
into his waistcoat and was not so well concealed but that a foot or more of
that instrument protruded from his bosom like a new kind of shirtfrill
As it appeared to me that I was expected to speak I said aloud
»How do you do Mr Micawber«
»Mr Copperfield« said Mr Micawber gravely »I hope I see you well«
»Is Miss Wickfield at home« said I
»Mr Wickfield is unwell in bed sir of a rheumatic fever« he returned
»but Miss Wickfield I have no doubt will be happy to see old friends Will you
walk in sir«
He preceded us to the diningroom the first room I had entered in that
house and flinging open the door of Mr Wickfields former office said in a
sonorous voice
»Miss Trotwood Mr David Copperfield Mr Thomas Traddles and Mr Dixon«
I had not seen Uriah Heep since the time of the blow Our visit astonished
him evidently not the less I dare say because it astonished ourselves He
did not gather his eyebrows together for he had none worth mentioning but he
frowned to that degree that he almost closed his small eyes while the hurried
raising of his gristly hand to his chin betrayed some trepidation or surprise
This was only when we were in the act of entering his room and when I caught a
glance at him over my aunts shoulder A moment afterwards he was as fawning
and as humble as ever
»Well I am sure« he said »This is indeed an unexpected pleasure To have
as I may say all friends round Saint Pauls at once is a treat unlooked for
Mr Copperfield I hope I see you well and if I may umbly express self so
friendly towards them as is ever your friends whether or not Mrs Copperfield
sir I hope shes getting on We have been made quite uneasy by the poor
accounts we have had of her state lately I do assure you«
I felt ashamed to let him take my hand but I did not know yet what else to
do
»Things are changed in this office Miss Trotwood since I was an umble
clerk and held your pony aint they« said Uriah with his sickliest smile
»But I am not changed Miss Trotwood«
»Well sir« returned my aunt »to tell you the truth I think you are
pretty constant to the promise of your youth if thats any satisfaction to
you«
»Thank you Miss Trotwood« said Uriah writhing in his ungainly manner
»for your good opinion Micawber tell em to let Miss Agnes know and mother
Mother will be quite in a state when she sees the present company« said Uriah
setting chairs
»You are not busy Mr Heep« said Traddles whose eye the cunning red eye
accidentally caught as it at once scrutinised and evaded us
»No Mr Traddles« replied Uriah resuming his official seat and squeezing
his bony hands laid palm to palm between his bony knees »Not so much so as I
could wish But lawyers sharks and leeches are not easily satisfied you
know Not but what myself and Micawber have our hands pretty full in general on
account of Mr Wickfields being hardly fit for any occupation sir But its a
pleasure as well as a duty I am sure to work for him Youve not been intimate
with Mr Wickfield I think Mr Traddles I believe Ive only had the honour of
seeing you once myself«
»No I have not been intimate with Mr Wickfield« returned Traddles »or I
might perhaps have waited on you long ago Mr Heep«
There was something in the tone of this reply which made Uriah look at the
speaker again with a very sinister and suspicious expression But seeing only
Traddles with his goodnatured face simple manner and hair on end he
dismissed it as he replied with a jerk of his whole body but especially his
throat
»I am sorry for that Mr Traddles You would have admired him as much as we
all do His little failings would only have endeared him to you the more But if
you would like to hear my fellowpartner eloquently spoken of I should refer
you to Copperfield The family is a subject hes very strong upon if you never
heard him«
I was prevented from disclaiming the compliment if I should have done so
in any case by the entrance of Agnes now ushered in by Mr Micawber She was
not quite so selfpossessed as usual I thought and had evidently undergone
anxiety and fatigue But her earnest cordiality and her quiet beauty shone
with the gentler lustre for it
I saw Uriah watch her while she greeted us and he reminded me of an ugly
and rebellious genie watching a good spirit In the meanwhile some slight sign
passed between Mr Micawber and Traddles and Traddles unobserved except by me
went out
»Dont wait Micawber« said Uriah
Mr Micawber with his hand upon the ruler in his breast stood erect before
the door most unmistakably contemplating one of his fellowmen and that man
his employer
»What are you waiting for« said Uriah »Micawber did you hear me tell you
not to wait«
»Yes« replied the immovable Mr Micawber
»Then why do you wait« said Uriah
»Because I in short choose« replied Mr Micawber with a burst
Uriahs cheeks lost colour and an unwholesome paleness still faintly
tinged by his pervading red overspread them He looked at Mr Micawber
attentively with his whole face breathing short and quick in every feature
»You are a dissipated fellow as all the world knows« he said with an
effort at a smile »and I am afraid youll oblige me to get rid of you Go
along Ill talk to you presently«
»If there is a scoundrel on this earth« said Mr Micawber suddenly
breaking out again with the utmost vehemence »with whom I have already talked
too much that scoundrels name is HEEP«
Uriah fell back as if he had been struck or stung Looking slowly round
upon us with the darkest and wickedest expression that his face could wear he
said in a lower voice
»Oho This is a conspiracy You have met here by appointment You are
playing Booty with my clerk are you Copperfield Now take care Youll make
nothing of this We understand each other you and me Theres no love between
us You were always a puppy with a proud stomach from your first coming here
and you envy me my rise do you None of your plots against me Ill counterplot
you Micawber you be off Ill talk to you presently«
»Mr Micawber« said I »there is a sudden change in this fellow in more
respects than the extraordinary one of his speaking the truth in one particular
which assures me that he is brought to bay Deal with him as he deserves«
»You are a precious set of people aint you« said Uriah in the same low
voice and breaking out into a clammy heat which he wiped from his forehead
with his long lean hand »to buy over my clerk who is the very scum of society
as you yourself were Copperfield you know it before any one had charity on
you to defame me with his lies Miss Trotwood you had better stop this or
Ill stop your husband shorter than will be pleasant to you I wont know your
story professionally for nothing old lady Miss Wickfield if you have any
love for your father you had better not join that gang Ill ruin him if you
do Now come I have got some of you under the harrow Think twice before it
goes over you Think twice you Micawber if you dont want to be crushed I
recommend you to take yourself off and be talked to presently you fool while
theres time to retreat Whereas mother« he said suddenly appearing to notice
with alarm the absence of Traddles and pulling down the bellrope »Fine
doings in a persons own house«
»Mrs Heep is here sir« said Traddles returning with that worthy mother
of a worthy son »I have taken the liberty of making myself known to her«
»Who are you to make yourself known« retorted Uriah »And what do you want
here«
»I am the agent and friend of Mr Wickfield sir« said Traddles in a
composed businesslike way »And I have a power of attorney from him in my
pocket to act for him in all matters«
»The old ass has drunk himself into a state of dotage« said Uriah turning
uglier than before »and it has been got from him by fraud«
»Something has been got from him by fraud I know« returned Traddles
quietly »and so do you Mr Heep We will refer that question if you please
to Mr Micawber«
»Ury « Mrs Heep began with an anxious gesture
»You hold your tongue mother« he returned »least said soonest mended«
»But my Ury «
»Will you hold your tongue mother and leave it to me«
Though I had long known that his servility was false and all his pretences
knavish and hollow I had had no adequate conception of the extent of his
hypocrisy until I now saw him with his mask off The suddenness with which he
dropped it when he perceived that it was useless to him the malice insolence
and hatred he revealed the leer with which he exulted even at this moment in
the evil he had done all this time being desperate too and at his wits end
for the means of getting the better of us though perfectly consistent with the
experience I had of him at first took even me by surprise who had known him so
long and disliked him so heartily
I say nothing of the look he conferred on me as he stood eyeing us one
after another for I had always understood that he hated me and I remembered
the marks of my hand upon his cheek But when his eyes passed on to Agnes and I
saw the rage with which he felt his power over her slipping away and the
exhibition in their disappointment of the odious passions that had led him to
aspire to one whose virtues he could never appreciate or care for I was shocked
by the mere thought of her having lived an hour within sight of such a man
After some rubbing of the lower part of his face and some looking at us
with those bad eyes over his gristly fingers he made one more address to me
half whining and half abusive
»You think it justifiable do you Copperfield you who pride yourself so
much on your honour and all the rest of it to sneak about my place
eavesdropping with my clerk If it had been me I shouldnt have wondered for
I dont make myself out a gentleman though I never was in the streets either
as you were according to Micawber but being you And youre not afraid of
doing this either You dont think at all of what I shall do in return or of
getting yourself into trouble for conspiracy and so forth Very well We shall
see Mr Whatsyourname you were going to refer some question to Micawber
Theres your referee Why dont you make him speak He has learnt his lesson I
see«
Seeing that what he said had no effect on me or any of us he sat on the
edge of his table with his hands in his pockets and one of his splay feet
twisted round the other leg waiting doggedly for what might follow
Mr Micawber whose impetuosity I had restrained thus far with the greatest
difficulty and who had repeatedly interposed with the first syllable of
SCOUNdrel without getting to the second now burst forward drew the ruler
from his breast apparently as a defensive weapon and produced from his pocket
a foolscap document folded in the form of a large letter Opening this packet
with his old flourish and glancing at the contents as if he cherished an
artistic admiration of their style of composition he began to read as follows
»Dear Miss Trotwood and gentlemen «
»Bless and save the man« exclaimed my aunt in a low voice »Hed write
letters by the ream if it was a capital offence«
Mr Micawber without hearing her went on
»In appearing before you to denounce probably the most consummate Villain
that has ever existed« Mr Micawber without looking off the letter pointed
the ruler like a ghostly truncheon at Uriah Heep »I ask no consideration for
myself The victim from my cradle of pecuniary liabilities to which I have
been unable to respond I have ever been the sport and toy of debasing
circumstances Ignominy Want Despair and Madness have collectively or
separately been the attendants of my career«
The relish with which Mr Micawber described himself as a prey to these
dismal calamities was only to be equalled by the emphasis with which he read
his letter and the kind of homage he rendered to it with a roll of his head
when he thought he had hit a sentence very hard indeed
»In an accumulation of Ignominy Want Despair and Madness I entered the
office or as our lively neighbour the Gaul would term it the Bureau of the
Firm nominally conducted under the appellation of Wickfield and HEEP but in
reality wielded by HEEP alone HEEP and only HEEP is the mainspring of that
machine HEEP and only HEEP is the Forger and the Cheat«
Uriah more blue than white at these words made a dart at the letter as if
to tear it in pieces Mr Micawber with a perfect miracle of dexterity or luck
caught his advancing knuckles with the ruler and disabled his right hand It
dropped at the wrist as if it were broken The blow sounded as if it had fallen
on wood
»The Devil take you« said Uriah writhing in a new way with pain »Ill be
even with you«
»Approach me again you you you HEEP of infamy« gasped Mr Micawber
»and if your head is human Ill break it Come on come on«
I think I never saw anything more ridiculous I was sensible of it even at
the time than Mr Micawber making broadsword guards with the ruler and
crying »Come on« while Traddles and I pushed him back into a corner from
which as often as we got him into it he persisted in emerging again
His enemy muttering to himself after wringing his wounded hand for some
time slowly drew off his neckkerchief and bound it up then held it in his
other hand and sat upon his table with his sullen face looking down
Mr Micawber when he was sufficiently cool proceeded with his letter
»The stipendiary emoluments in consideration of which I entered into the
service of HEEP« always pausing before that word and uttering it with
astonishing vigour »were not defined beyond the pittance of twentytwo
shillings and six per week The rest was left contingent on the value of my
professional exertions in other and more expressive words on the baseness of
my nature the cupidity of my motives the poverty of my family the general
moral or rather immoral resemblance between myself and HEEP Need I say
that it soon became necessary for me to solicit from HEEP pecuniary advances
towards the support of Mrs Micawber and our blighted but rising family Need I
say that this necessity had been foreseen by HEEP That those advances were
secured by I O Us and other similar acknowledgments known to the legal
institutions of this country And that I thus became immeshed in the web he had
spun for my reception«
Mr Micawbers enjoyment of his epistolary powers in describing this
unfortunate state of things really seemed to outweigh any pain or anxiety that
the reality could have caused him He read on
»Then it was that HEEP began to favour me with just so much of his
confidence as was necessary to the discharge of his infernal business Then it
was that I began if I may so Shakespearingly express myself to dwindle peak
and pine I found that my services were constantly called into requisition for
the falsification of business and the mystification of an individual whom I
will designate as Mr W That Mr W was imposed upon kept in ignorance and
deluded in every possible way yet that all this while the ruffian HEEP
was professing unbounded gratitude to and unbounded friendship for that
muchabused gentleman This was bad enough but as the philosophic Dane
observes with that universal applicability which distinguishes the illustrious
ornament of the Elizabethan Era worse remains behind«
Mr Micawber was so very much struck by this happy rounding off with a
quotation that he indulged himself and us with a second reading of the
sentence under pretence of having lost his place
»It is not my intention« he continued reading on »to enter on a detailed
list within the compass of the present epistle though it is ready elsewhere
of the various malpractices of a minor nature affecting the individual whom I
have denominated Mr W to which I have been a tacitly consenting party My
object when the contest within myself between stipend and no stipend baker and
no baker existence and nonexistence ceased was to take advantage of my
opportunities to discover and expose the major malpractices committed to that
gentlemans grievous wrong and injury by HEEP Stimulated by the silent
monitor within and by a no less touching and appealing monitor without to
whom I will briefly refer as Miss W I entered on a not unlaborious task of
clandestine investigation protracted now to the best of my knowledge
information and belief over a period exceeding twelve calendar months«
He read this passage as if it were from an Act of Parliament and appeared
majestically refreshed by the sound of the words
»My charges against HEEP« he read on glancing at him and drawing the
ruler into a convenient position under his left arm in case of need »are as
follows«
We all held our breath I think I am sure Uriah held his
»First« said Mr Micawber »When Mr Ws faculties and memory for business
became through causes into which it is not necessary or expedient for me to
enter weakened and confused HEEP designedly perplexed and complicated the
whole of the official transactions When Mr W was least fit to enter on
business HEEP was always at hand to force him to enter on it He obtained Mr
Ws signature under such circumstances to documents of importance representing
them to be other documents of no importance He induced Mr W to empower him to
draw out thus one particular sum of trustmoney amounting to twelve six
fourteen two and nine and employed it to meet pretended business charges and
deficiencies which were either already provided for or had never really
existed He gave this proceeding throughout the appearance of having
originated in Mr Ws own dishonest intention and of having been accomplished
by Mr Ws own dishonest act and has used it ever since to torture and
constrain him«
»You shall prove this you Copperfield« said Uriah with a threatening
shake of the head »All in good time«
»Ask HEEP Mr Traddles who lived in his house after him« said Mr
Micawber breaking off from the letter »will you«
»The fool himself and lives there now« said Uriah disdainfully
»Ask HEEP if he ever kept a pocketbook in that house« said Mr
Micawber »will you«
I saw Uriahs lank hand stop involuntarily in the scraping of his chin
»Or ask him« said Mr Micawber »if he ever burnt one there If he says
Yes and asks you where the ashes are refer him to Wilkins Micawber and he
will hear of something not at all to his advantage«
The triumphant flourish with which Mr Micawber delivered himself of these
words had a powerful effect in alarming the mother who cried out in much
agitation
»Ury Ury Be umble and make terms my dear«
»Mother« he retorted »will you keep quiet Youre in a fright and dont
know what you say or mean Umble« he repeated looking at me with a snarl
»Ive umbled some of em for a pretty long time back umble as I was«
Mr Micawber genteelly adjusting his chin in his cravat presently
proceeded with his composition
»Second HEEP has on several occasions to the best of my knowledge
information and belief «
»But that wont do« muttered Uriah relieved »Mother you keep quiet«
»We will endeavour to provide something that WILL do and do for you
finally sir very shortly« replied Mr Micawber
»Second HEEP has on several occasions to the best of my knowledge
information and belief systematically forged to various entries books and
documents the signature of Mr W and has distinctly done so in one instance
capable of proof by me To wit in manner following that is to say«
Again Mr Micawber had a relish in this formal piling up of words which
however ludicrously displayed in his case was I must say not at all peculiar
to him I have observed it in the course of my life in numbers of men It
seems to me to be a general rule In the taking of legal oaths for instance
deponents seem to enjoy themselves mightily when they come to several good words
in succession for the expression of one idea as that they utterly detest
abominate and abjure or so forth and the old anathemas were made relishing on
the same principle We talk about the tyranny of words but we like to tyrannise
over them too we are fond of having a large superfluous establishment of words
to wait upon us on great occasions we think it looks important and sounds
well As we are not particular about the meaning of our liveries on state
occasions if they be but fine and numerous enough so the meaning or necessity
of our words is a secondary consideration if there be but a great parade of
them And as individuals get into trouble by making too great a show of
liveries or as slaves when they are too numerous rise against their masters so
I think I could mention a nation that has got into many great difficulties and
will get into many greater from maintaining too large a retinue of words
Mr Micawber read on almost smacking his lips
»To wit in manner following that is to say Mr W being infirm and it
being within the bounds of probability that his decease might lead to some
discoveries and to the downfall of HEEPS power over the W family as I
Wilkins Micawber the undersigned assume unless the filial affection of his
daughter could be secretly influenced from allowing any investigation of the
partnership affairs to be ever made the said HEEP deemed it expedient to
have a bond ready by him as from Mr W for the beforementioned sum of twelve
six fourteen two and nine with interest stated therein to have been advanced
by HEEP to Mr W to save Mr W from dishonour though really the sum was
never advanced by him and has long been replaced The signatures to this
instrument purporting to be executed by Mr W and attested by Wilkins Micawber
are forgeries by HEEP I have in my possession in his hand and pocketbook
several similar imitations of Mr Ws signature here and there defaced by
fire but legible to any one I never attested any such document And I have the
document itself in my possession«
Uriah Heep with a start took out of his pocket a bunch of keys and opened
a certain drawer then suddenly bethought himself of what he was about and
turned again towards us without looking in it
»And I have the document« Mr Micawber read again looking about as if it
were the text of a sermon »in my possession that is to say I had early
this morning when this was written but have since relinquished it to Mr
Traddles«
»It is quite true« assented Traddles
»Ury Ury« cried the mother »be umble and make terms I know my son will
be umble gentlemen if youll give him time to think Mr Copperfield Im sure
you know that he was always very umble sir«
It was singular to see how the mother still held to the old trick when the
son had abandoned it as useless
»Mother« he said with an impatient bite at the handkerchief in which his
hand was wrapped »you had better take and fire a loaded gun at me«
»But I love you Ury« cried Mrs Heep And I have no doubt she did or that
he loved her however strange it may appear though to be sure they were a
congenial couple »And I cant bear to hear you provoking the gentleman and
endangering of yourself more I told the gentleman at first when he told me
upstairs it was come to light that I would answer for your being umble and
making amends Oh see how umble I am gentlemen and dont mind him«
»Why theres Copperfield mother« he angrily retorted pointing his lean
finger at me against whom all his animosity was levelled as the prime mover in
the discovery and I did not undeceive him »theres Copperfield would have
given you a hundred pound to say less than youve blurted out«
»I cant help it Ury« cried his mother »I cant see you running into
danger through carrying your head so high Better be umble as you always was«
He remained for a little biting the handkerchief and then said to me with
a scowl
»What more have you got to bring forward If anything go on with it What
do you look at me for«
Mr Micawber promptly resumed his letter glad to revert to a performance
with which he was so highly satisfied
»Third And last I am now in a condition to show by HEEPS false
books and HEEPS real memoranda beginning with the partially destroyed
pocketbook which I was unable to comprehend at the time of its accidental
discovery by Mrs Micawber on our taking possession of our present abode in
the locker or bin devoted to the reception of the ashes calcined on our domestic
hearth that the weaknesses the faults the very virtues the parental
affections and the sense of honour of the unhappy Mr W have been for years
acted on by and warped to the base purposes of HEEP That Mr W has been for
years deluded and plundered in every conceivable manner to the pecuniary
aggrandisement of the avaricious false and grasping HEEP That the
engrossing object of HEEP was next to gain to subdue Mr and Miss W of
his ulterior views in reference to the latter I say nothing entirely to
himself That his last act completed but a few months since was to induce Mr
W to execute a relinquishment of his share in the partnership and even a bill
of sale on the very furniture of his house in consideration of a certain
annuity to be well and truly paid by HEEP on the four common quarterdays
in each and every year That these meshes beginning with alarming and falsified
accounts of the estate of which Mr W is the receiver at a period when Mr W
had launched into imprudent and illjudged speculations and may not have had
the money for which he was morally and legally responsible in hand going on
with pretended borrowings of money at enormous interest really coming from
HEEP and by HEEP fraudulently obtained or withheld from Mr W himself on
pretence of such speculations or otherwise perpetuated by a miscellaneous
catalogue of unscrupulous chicaneries gradually thickened until the unhappy
Mr W could see no world beyond Bankrupt as he believed alike in
circumstances in all other hope and in honour his sole reliance was upon the
monster in the garb of man« Mr Micawber made a good deal of this as a new
turn of expression »who by making himself necessary to him had achieved his
destruction All this I undertake to show Probably much more«
I whispered a few words to Agnes who was weeping half joyfully half
sorrowfully at my side and there was a movement among us as if Mr Micawber
had finished He said with exceeding gravity »Pardon me« and proceeded with
a mixture of the lowest spirits and the most intense enjoyment to the
peroration of his letter
»I have now concluded It merely remains for me to substantiate these
accusations and then with my illstarred family to disappear from the
landscape on which we appear to be an incumbrance That is soon done It may be
reasonably inferred that our baby will first expire of inanition as being the
frailest member of our circle and that our twins will follow next in order So
be it For myself my Canterbury Pilgrimage has done much imprisonment on civil
process and want will soon do more I trust that the labour and hazard of an
investigation of which the smallest results have been slowly pieced together
in the pressure of arduous avocations under grinding penurious apprehensions
at rise of morn at dewy eve in the shadows of night under the watchful eye of
one whom it were superfluous to call Demon combined with the struggle of
parental Poverty to turn it when completed to the right account may be as the
sprinkling of a few drops of sweet water on my funereal pyre I ask no more Let
it be in justice merely said of me as of a gallant and eminent naval Hero
with whom I have no pretensions to cope that what I have done I did in
despite of mercenary and selfish objects
For England home and Beauty«
»Remaining always etc etc WILKINS MICAWBER«
Much affected but still intensely enjoying himself Mr Micawber folded up his
letter and handed it with a bow to my aunt as something she might like to
keep
There was as I had noticed on my first visit long ago an iron safe in the
room The key was in it A hasty suspicion seemed to strike Uriah and with a
glance at Mr Micawber he went to it and threw the doors clanking open It was
empty
»Where are the books« he cried with a frightful face »Some thief has
stolen the books«
Mr Micawber tapped himself with the ruler »I did when I got the key from
you as usual but a little earlier and opened it this morning«
»Dont be uneasy« said Traddles »They have come into my possession I will
take care of them under the authority I mentioned«
»You receive stolen goods do you« cried Uriah
»Under such circumstances« answered Traddles »yes«
What was my astonishment when I beheld my aunt who had been profoundly
quiet and attentive make a dart at Uriah Heep and seize him by the collar with
both hands
»You know what I want« said my aunt
»A straitwaistcoat« said he
»No My property« returned my aunt »Agnes my dear as long as I believed
it had been really made away with by your father I wouldnt and my dear I
didnt even to Trot as he knows breathe a syllable of its having been placed
here for investment But now I know this fellows answerable for it and Ill
have it Trot come and take it away from him«
Whether my aunt supposed for the moment that he kept her property in his
neckkerchief I am sure I dont know but she certainly pulled at it as if she
thought so I hastened to put myself between them and to assure her that we
would all take care that he should make the utmost restitution of everything he
had wrongly got This and a few moments reflection pacified her but she was
not at all disconcerted by what she had done though I cannot say as much for
her bonnet and resumed her seat composedly
During the last few minutes Mrs Heep had been clamouring to her son to be
umble and had been going down on her knees to all of us in succession and
making the wildest promises Her son sat her down in his chair and standing
sulkily by her holding her arm with his hand but not rudely said to me with
a ferocious look
»What do you want done«
»I will tell you what must be done« said Traddles
»Has that Copperfield no tongue« muttered Uriah »I would do a good deal
for you if you could tell me without lying that somebody had cut it out«
»My Uriah means to be umble« cried his mother »Dont mind what he says
good gentlemen«
»What must be done« said Traddles »is this First the deed of
relinquishment that we have heard of must be given over to me now here«
»Suppose I havent got it« he interrupted
»But you have« said Traddles »therefore you know we wont suppose so«
And I cannot help avowing that this was the first occasion on which I really did
justice to the clear head and the plain patient practical good sense of my
old schoolfellow »Then« said Traddles »you must prepare to disgorge all that
your rapacity has become possessed of and to make restoration to the last
farthing All the partnership books and papers must remain in our possession
all your books and papers all money accounts and securities of both kinds In
short everything here«
»Must it I dont know that« said Uriah »I must have time to think about
that«
»Certainly« replied Traddles »but in the meanwhile and until everything
is done to our satisfaction we shall maintain possession of these things and
beg you in short compel you to keep your own room and hold no
communication with any one«
»I wont do it« said Uriah with an oath
»Maidstone Jail is a safer place of detention« observed Traddles »and
though the law may be longer in righting us and may not be able to right us so
completely as you can there is no doubt of its punishing you Dear me you know
that quite as well as I Copperfield will you go round to the Guildhall and
bring a couple of officers«
Here Mrs Heep broke out again crying on her knees to Agnes to interfere
in their behalf exclaiming that he was very humble and it was all true and if
he didnt do what we wanted she would and much more to the same purpose being
half frantic with fears for her darling To inquire what he might have done if
he had had any boldness would be like inquiring what a mongrel cur might do if
it had the spirit of a tiger He was a coward from head to foot and showed his
dastardly nature through his sullenness and mortification as much as at any
time of his mean life
»Stop« he growled to me and wiped his hot face with his hand »Mother
hold your noise Well Let em have that deed Go and fetch it«
»Do you help her Mr Dick« said Traddles »if you please«
Proud of his commission and understanding it Mr Dick accompanied her as a
shepherds dog might accompany a sheep But Mrs Heep gave him little trouble
for she not only returned with the deed but with the box in which it was where
we found a bankers book and some other papers that were afterwards serviceable
»Good« said Traddles when this was brought »Now Mr Heep you can retire
to think particularly observing if you please that I declare to you on the
part of all present that there is only one thing to be done that it is what I
have explained and that it must be done without delay«
Uriah without lifting his eyes from the ground shuffled across the room
with his hand to his chin and pausing at the door said
»Copperfield I have always hated you Youve always been an upstart and
youve always been against me«
»As I think I told you once before« said I »it is you who have been in
your greed and cunning against all the world It may be profitable to you to
reflect in future that there never were greed and cunning in the world yet
that did not do too much and overreach themselves It is as certain as death«
»Or as certain as they used to teach at school the same school where I
picked up so much umbleness from nine oclock to eleven that labour was a
curse and from eleven oclock to one that it was a blessing and a
cheerfulness and a dignity and I dont know what all eh« said he with a
sneer »You preach about as consistent as they did Wont umbleness go down I
shouldnt have got round my gentleman fellowpartner without it I think
Micawber you old bully Ill pay you«
Mr Micawber supremely defiant of him and his extended finger and making a
great deal of his chest until he had slunk out at the door then addressed
himself to me and proffered me the satisfaction of »witnessing the
reestablishment of mutual confidence between himself and Mrs Micawber« After
which he invited the company generally to the contemplation of that affecting
spectacle
»The veil that has long been interposed between Mrs Micawber and myself is
now withdrawn« said Mr Micawber »and my children and the Author of their
Being can once more come in contact on equal terms«
As we were all very grateful to him and all desirous to show that we were
as well as the hurry and disorder of our spirits would permit I dare say we
should all have gone but that it was necessary for Agnes to return to her
father as yet unable to bear more than the dawn of hope and for some one else
to hold Uriah in safe keeping So Traddles remained for the latter purpose to
be presently relieved by Mr Dick and Mr Dick my aunt and I went home with
Mr Micawber As I parted hurriedly from the dear girl to whom I owed so much
and thought from what she had been saved perhaps that morning her better
resolution notwithstanding I felt devoutly thankful for the miseries of my
younger days which had brought me to the knowledge of Mr Micawber
His house was not far off and as the streetdoor opened into the
sittingroom and he bolted in with a precipitation quite his own we found
ourselves at once in the bosom of the family Mr Micawber exclaiming »Emma my
life« rushed into Mrs Micawbers arms Mrs Micawber shrieked and folded Mr
Micawber in her embrace Miss Micawber nursing the unconscious stranger of Mrs
Micawbers last letter to me was sensibly affected The stranger leaped The
twins testified their joy by several inconvenient but innocent demonstrations
Master Micawber whose disposition appeared to have been soured by early
disappointment and whose aspect had become morose yielded to his better
feelings and blubbered
»Emma« said Mr Micawber »The cloud is past from my mind Mutual
confidence so long preserved between us once is restored to know no further
interruption Now welcome poverty« cried Mr Micawber shedding tears
»Welcome misery welcome houselessness welcome hunger rags tempest and
beggary Mutual confidence will sustain us to the end«
With these expressions Mr Micawber placed Mrs Micawber in a chair and
embraced the family all round welcoming a variety of bleak prospects which
appeared to the best of my judgment to be anything but welcome to them and
calling upon them to come out into Canterbury and sing a chorus as nothing else
was left for their support
But Mrs Micawber having in the strength of her emotions fainted away the
first thing to be done even before the chorus could be considered complete was
to recover her This my aunt and Mr Micawber did and then my aunt was
introduced and Mrs Micawber recognised me
»Excuse me dear Mr Copperfield« said the poor lady giving me her hand
»but I am not strong and the removal of the late misunderstanding between Mr
Micawber and myself was at first too much for me«
»Is this all your family maam« said my aunt
»There are no more at present« returned Mrs Micawber
»Good gracious I didnt mean that maam« said my aunt »I mean are all
these yours«
»Madam« replied Mr Micawber »it is a true bill«
»And that eldest young gentleman now« said my aunt musing »what has he
been brought up to«
»It was my hope when I came here« said Mr Micawber »to have got Wilkins
into the Church or perhaps I shall express my meaning more strictly if I say
the Choir But there was no vacancy for a tenor in the venerable Pile for which
this city is so justly eminent and he has in short he has contracted a habit
of singing in publichouses rather than in sacred edifices«
»But he means well« said Mrs Micawber tenderly
»I dare say my love« rejoined Mr Micawber »that he means particularly
well but I have not yet found that he carries out his meaning in any given
direction whatsoever«
Master Micawbers moroseness of aspect returned upon him again and he
demanded with some temper what he was to do Whether he had been born a
carpenter or a coachpainter any more than he had been born a bird Whether he
could go into the next street and open a chemists shop Whether he could rush
to the next assizes and proclaim himself a lawyer Whether he could come out by
force at the opera and succeed by violence Whether he could do anything
without being brought up to something
My aunt mused a little while and then said
»Mr Micawber I wonder you have never turned your thoughts to emigration«
»Madam« returned Mr Micawber »it was the dream of my youth and the
fallacious aspiration of my riper years« I am thoroughly persuaded by the bye
that he had never thought of it in his life
»Aye« said my aunt with a glance at me »Why what a thing it would be for
yourselves and your family Mr and Mrs Micawber if you were to emigrate now«
»Capital madam capital« urged Mr Micawber gloomily
»That is the principal I may say the only difficulty my dear Mr
Copperfield« assented his wife
»Capital« cried my aunt »But you are doing us a great service have done
us a great service I may say for surely much will come out of the fire and
what could we do for you that would be half so good as to find the capital«
»I could not receive it as a gift« said Mr Micawber full of fire and
animation »but if a sufficient sum could be advanced say at five per cent
interest per annum upon my personal liability say my notes of hand at
twelve eighteen and twentyfour months respectively to allow time for
something to turn up «
»Could be Can be and shall be on your own terms« returned my aunt »if
you say the word Think of this now both of you Here are some people David
knows going out to Australia shortly If you decide to go why shouldnt you go
in the same ship You may help each other Think of this now Mr and Mrs
Micawber Take your time and weigh it well«
»There is but one question my dear maam I could wish to ask« said Mrs
Micawber »The climate I believe is healthy«
»Finest in the world« said my aunt
»Just so« returned Mrs Micawber »Then my question arises Now are the
circumstances of the country such that a man of Mr Micawbers abilities would
have a fair chance of rising in the social scale I will not say at present
might he aspire to be Governor or anything of that sort but would there be a
reasonable opening for his talents to develop themselves that would be amply
sufficient and find their own expansion«
»No better opening anywhere« said my aunt »for a man who conducts himself
well and is industrious«
»For a man who conducts himself well« repeated Mrs Micawber with her
clearest business manner »and is industrious Precisely It is evident to me
that Australia is the legitimate sphere of action for Mr Micawber«
»I entertain the conviction my dear madam« said Mr Micawber »that it is
under existing circumstances the land the only land for myself and family
and that something of an extraordinary nature will turn up on that shore It is
no distance comparatively speaking and though consideration is due to the
kindness of your proposal I assure you that is a mere matter of form«
Shall I ever forget how in a moment he was the most sanguine of men
looking on to fortune or how Mrs Micawber presently discoursed about the
habits of the kangaroo Shall I ever recall that street of Canterbury on a
market day without recalling him as he walked back with us expressing in the
hardy roving manner he assumed the unsettled habits of a temporary sojourner in
the land and looking at the bullocks as they came by with the eye of an
Australian farmer
Chapter LIII
Another Retrospect
I must pause yet once again Oh my childwife there is a figure in the moving
crowd before my memory quiet and still saying in its innocent love and
childish beauty Stop to think of me turn to look upon the Little Blossom as
it flutters to the ground
I do All else grows dim and fades away I am again with Dora in our
cottage I do not know how long she has been ill I am so used to it in feeling
that I cannot count the time It is not really long in weeks or months but in
my usage and experience it is a weary weary while
They have left off telling me to »wait a few days more« I have begun to
fear remotely that the day may never shine when I shall see my childwife
running in the sunlight with her old friend Jip
He is as it were suddenly grown very old It may be that he misses in his
mistress something that enlivened him and made him younger but he mopes and
his sight is weak and his limbs are feeble and my aunt is sorry that he
objects to her no more but creeps near her as he lies on Doras bed she
sitting at the bedside and mildly licks her hand
Dora lies smiling on us and is beautiful and utters no hasty or
complaining word She says that we are very good to her that her dear old
careful boy is tiring himself out she knows that my aunt has no sleep yet is
always wakeful active and kind Sometimes the little birdlike ladies come to
see her and then we talk about our weddingday and all that happy time
What a strange rest and pause in my life there seems to be and in all
life within doors and without when I sit in the quiet shaded orderly room
with the blue eyes of my childwife turned towards me and her little fingers
twining round my hand Many and many an hour I sit thus but of all those
times three times come the freshest on my mind
It is morning and Dora made so trim by my aunts hands shows me how her
pretty hair will curl upon the pillow yet and how long and bright it is and
how she likes to have it loosely gathered in that net she wears
»Not that I am vain of it now you mocking boy« she says when I smile
»but because you used to say you thought it so beautiful and because when I
first began to think about you I used to peep in the glass and wonder whether
you would like very much to have a lock of it Oh what a foolish fellow you
were Doady when I gave you one«
»That was on the day when you were painting the flowers I had given you
Dora and when I told you how much in love I was«
»Ah but I didnt like to tell you« says Dora »then how I had cried over
them because I believed you really liked me When I can run about again as I
used to do Doady let us go and see those places where we were such a silly
couple shall we And take some of the old walks And not forget poor papa«
»Yes we will and have some happy days So you must make haste to get well
my dear«
»Oh I shall soon do that I am so much better you dont know«
It is evening and I sit in the same chair by the same bed with the same face
turned towards me We have been silent and there is a smile upon her face I
have ceased to carry my light burden up and down stairs now She lies here all
the day
»Doady«
»My dear Dora«
»You wont think what I am going to say unreasonable after what you told
me such a little while ago of Mr Wickfields not being well I want to see
Agnes Very much I want to see her«
»I will write to her my dear«
»Will you«
»Directly«
»What a good kind boy Doady take me on your arm Indeed my dear its
not a whim Its not a foolish fancy I want very much indeed to see her«
»I am certain of it I have only to tell her so and she is sure to come«
»You are very lonely when you go downstairs now« Dora whispers with her
arm about my neck
»How can I be otherwise my own love when I see your empty chair«
»My empty chair« She clings to me for a little while in silence »And you
really miss me Doady« looking up and brightly smiling »Even poor giddy
stupid me«
»My heart who is there upon earth that I could miss so much«
»Oh husband I am so glad yet so sorry« creeping closer to me and
folding me in both her arms She laughs and sobs and then is quiet and quite
happy
»Quite« she says »Only give Agnes my dear love and tell her that I want
very very much to see her and I have nothing left to wish for«
»Except to get well again Dora«
»Ah Doady Sometimes I think you know I always was a silly little thing
that that will never be«
»Dont say so Dora Dearest love dont think so«
»I wont if I can help it Doady But I am very happy though my dear boy
is so lonely by himself before his childwifes empty chair«
It is night and I am with her still Agnes has arrived has been among us for
a whole day and an evening She my aunt and I have sat with Dora since the
morning all together We have not talked much but Dora has been perfectly
contented and cheerful We are now alone
Do I know now that my childwife will soon leave me They have told me so
they have told me nothing new to my thoughts but I am far from sure that I have
taken that truth to heart I cannot master it I have withdrawn by myself many
times today to weep I have remembered Who wept for a parting between the
living and the dead I have bethought me of all that gracious and compassionate
history I have tried to resign myself and to console myself and that I hope
I may have done imperfectly but what I cannot firmly settle in my mind is that
the end will absolutely come I hold her hand in mine I hold her heart in mine
I see her love for me alive in all its strength I cannot shut out a pale
lingering shadow of belief that she will be spared
»I am going to speak to you Doady I am going to say something I have often
thought of saying lately You wont mind« with a gentle look
»Mind my darling«
»Because I dont know what you will think or what you may have thought
sometimes Perhaps you have often thought the same Doady dear I am afraid I
was too young«
I lay my face upon the pillow by her and she looks into my eyes and speaks
very softly Gradually as she goes on I feel with a stricken heart that she
is speaking of herself as past
»I am afraid dear I was too young I dont mean in years only but in
experience, and thoughts and everything I was such a silly little creature I
am afraid it would have been better if we had only loved each other as a boy
and girl and forgotten it I have begun to think I was not fit to be a wife«
I try to stay my tears and to reply »Oh Dora love as fit as I to be a
husband«
»I dont know« with the old shake of her curls »Perhaps But if I had
been more fit to be married I might have made you more so too Besides you
are very clever and I never was«
»We have been very happy my sweet Dora«
»I was very happy very But as years went on my dear boy would have
wearied of his childwife She would have been less and less a companion for
him He would have been more and more sensible of what was wanting in his home
She wouldnt have improved It is better as it is«
»Oh Dora dearest dearest do not speak to me so Every word seems a
reproach«
»No not a syllable« she answers kissing me »Oh my dear you never
deserved it and I loved you far too well to say a reproachful word to you in
earnest it was all the merit I had except being pretty or you thought me
so Is it lonely downstairs Doady«
»Very Very«
»Dont cry Is my chair there«
»In its old place«
»Oh how my poor boy cries Hush hush Now make me one promise I want to
speak to Agnes When you go downstairs tell Agnes so and send her up to me
and while I speak to her let no one come not even aunt I want to speak to
Agnes by herself I want to speak to Agnes quite alone«
I promise that she shall immediately but I cannot leave her for my grief
»I said that it was better as it is« she whispers as she holds me in her
arms »Oh Doady after more years you never could have loved your childwife
better than you do and after more years she would so have tried and
disappointed you that you might not have been able to love her half so well I
know I was too young and foolish It is much better as it is«
Agnes is downstairs when I go into the parlour and I give her the message
She disappears leaving me alone with Jip
His Chinese house is by the fire and he lies within it on his bed of
flannel querulously trying to sleep The bright moon is high and clear As I
look out on the night my tears fall fast and my undisciplined heart is
chastened heavily heavily
I sit down by the fire thinking with a blind remorse of all those secret
feelings I have nourished since my marriage I think of every little trifle
between me and Dora and feel the truth that trifles make the sum of life Ever
rising from the sea of my remembrance is the image of the dear child as I knew
her first graced by my young love and by her own with every fascination
wherein such love is rich Would it indeed have been better if we had loved
each other as a boy and girl and forgotten it Undisciplined heart reply
How the time wears I know not until I am recalled by my childwifes old
companion More restless than he was he crawls out of his house and looks at
me and wanders to the door and whines to go upstairs
»Not tonight Jip Not tonight«
He comes very slowly back to me licks my hand and lifts his dim eyes to my
face
»Oh Jip It may be never again«
He lies down at my feet stretches himself out as if to sleep and with a
plaintive cry is dead
»Oh Agnes Look look here«
That face so full of pity and of grief that rain of tears that awful
mute appeal to me that solemn hand upraised towards Heaven
»Agnes«
It is over Darkness comes before my eyes and for a time all things are
blotted out of my remembrance
Chapter LIV
Mr Micawbers Transactions
This is not the time at which I am to enter on the state of my mind beneath its
load of sorrow I came to think that the Future was walled up before me that
the energy and action of my life were at an end that I never could find any
refuge but in the grave I came to think so I say but not in the first shock
of my grief It slowly grew to that If the events I go on to relate had not
thickened around me in the beginning to confuse and in the end to augment my
affliction it is possible though I think not probable that I might have
fallen at once into this condition As it was an interval occurred before I
fully knew my own distress an interval in which I even supposed that its
sharpest pangs were past and when my mind could soothe itself by resting on all
that was most innocent and beautiful in the tender story that was closed for
ever
When it was first proposed that I should go abroad or how it came to be
agreed among us that I was to seek the restoration of my peace in change and
travel I do not even now distinctly know The spirit of Agnes so pervaded all
we thought and said and did in that time of sorrow that I assume I may refer
the project to her influence But her influence was so quiet that I know no
more
And now indeed I began to think that in my old association of her with the
stainedglass window in the church a prophetic foreshadowing of what she would
be to me in the calamity that was to happen in the fulness of time had found a
way into my mind In all that sorrow from the moment never to be forgotten
when she stood before me with her upraised hand she was like a sacred presence
in my lonely house When the Angel of Death alighted there my childwife fell
asleep they told me so when I could bear to hear it on her bosom with a
smile From my swoon I first awoke to a consciousness of her compassionate
tears her words of hope and peace her gentle face bending down as from a purer
region nearer Heaven over my undisciplined heart and softening its pain
Let me go on
I was to go abroad That seemed to have been determined among us from the
first The ground now covering all that could perish of my departed wife I
waited only for what Mr Micawber called the final pulverisation of Heep and
for the departure of the emigrants
At the request of Traddles most affectionate and devoted of friends in my
trouble we returned to Canterbury I mean my aunt Agnes and I We proceeded
by appointment straight to Mr Micawbers house where and at Mr Wickfields
my friend had been labouring ever since our explosive meeting When poor Mrs
Micawber saw me come in in my black clothes she was sensibly affected There
was a great deal of good in Mrs Micawbers heart which had not been dunned out
of it in all those many years
»Well Mr and Mrs Micawber« was my aunts first salutation after we were
seated »Pray have you thought about that emigration proposal of mine«
»My dear madam« returned Mr Micawber »perhaps I cannot better express the
conclusion at which Mrs Micawber your humble servant and I may add our
children have jointly and severally arrived than by borrowing the language of
an illustrious poet to reply that our Boat is on the shore and our Bark is on
the sea«
»Thats right« said my aunt »I augur all sorts of good from your sensible
decision«
»Madam you do us a great deal of honour« he rejoined He then referred to
a memorandum »With respect to the pecuniary assistance enabling us to launch
our frail canoe on the ocean of enterprise I have reconsidered that important
business point and would beg to propose my notes of hand drawn it is
needless to stipulate on stamps of the amounts respectively required by the
various Acts of Parliament applying to such securities at eighteen
twentyfour and thirty months The proposition I originally submitted was
twelve eighteen and twentyfour but I am apprehensive that such an
arrangement might not allow sufficient time for the requisite amount of
Something to turn up We might not« said Mr Micawber looking round the room
as if it represented several hundred acres of highly cultivated land »on the
first responsibility becoming due have been successful in our harvest or we
might not have got our harvest in Labour I believe is sometimes difficult to
obtain in that portion of our colonial possessions where it will be our lot to
combat with the teeming soil«
»Arrange it in any way you please sir« said my aunt
»Madam« he replied »Mrs Micawber and myself are deeply sensible of the
very considerate kindness of our friends and patrons What I wish is to be
perfectly businesslike and perfectly punctual Turning over as we are about
to turn over an entirely new leaf and falling back as we are now in the act
of falling back for a Spring of no common magnitude it is important to my
sense of self-respect besides being an example to my son that these
arrangements should be concluded as between man and man«
I dont know that Mr Micawber attached any meaning to this last phrase I
dont know that anybody ever does or did but he appeared to relish it
uncommonly and repeated with an impressive cough »as between man and man«
»I propose« said Mr Micawber »Bills a convenience to the mercantile
world for which I believe we are originally indebted to the Jews who appear
to me to have had a devilish deal too much to do with them ever since because
they are negotiable But if a Bond or any other description of security would
be preferred I should be happy to execute any such instrument As between man
and man«
My aunt observed that in a case where both parties were willing to agree to
anything she took it for granted there would be no difficulty in settling this
point Mr Micawber was of her opinion
»In reference to our domestic preparations madam« said Mr Micawber with
some pride »for meeting the destiny to which we are now understood to be
selfdevoted I beg to report them My eldest daughter attends at five every
morning in a neighbouring establishment to acquire the process if process it
may be called of milking cows My younger children are instructed to observe
as closely as circumstances will permit the habits of the pigs and poultry
maintained in the poorer parts of this city a pursuit from which they have on
two occasions been brought home within an inch of being run over I have
myself directed some attention during the past week to the art of baking and
my son Wilkins has issued forth with a walkingstick and driven cattle when
permitted by the rugged hirelings who had them in charge to render any
voluntary service in that direction which I regret to say for the credit of
our nature was not often he being generally warned with imprecations to
desist«
»All very right indeed« said my aunt encouragingly »Mrs Micawber has
been busy too I have no doubt«
»My dear madam« returned Mrs Micawber with her businesslike air »I am
free to confess that I have not been actively engaged in pursuits immediately
connected with cultivation or with stock though well aware that both will claim
my attention on a foreign shore Such opportunities as I have been enabled to
alienate from my domestic duties I have devoted to corresponding at some length
with my family For I own it seems to me my dear Mr Copperfield« said Mrs
Micawber who always fell back on me I suppose from old habit to whomsoever
else she might address her discourse at starting »that the time is come when
the past should be buried in oblivion when my family should take Mr Micawber
by the hand and Mr Micawber should take my family by the hand when the lion
should lie down with the lamb and my family be on terms with Mr Micawber«
I said I thought so too
»This at least is the light my dear Mr Copperfield« pursued Mrs
Micawber »in which I view the subject When I lived at home with my papa and
mama my papa was accustomed to ask when any point was under discussion in our
limited circle In what light does my Emma view the subject That my papa was
too partial I know still on such a point as the frigid coldness which has
ever subsisted between Mr Micawber and my family I necessarily have formed an
opinion delusive though it may be«
»No doubt Of course you have maam« said my aunt
»Precisely so« assented Mrs Micawber »Now I may be wrong in my
conclusions it is very likely that I am but my individual impression is that
the gulf between my family and Mr Micawber may be traced to an apprehension on
the part of my family that Mr Micawber would require pecuniary accommodation
I cannot help thinking« said Mrs Micawber with an air of deep sagacity »that
there are members of my family who have been apprehensive that Mr Micawber
would solicit them for their names I do not mean to be conferred in Baptism
upon our children but to be inscribed on Bills of Exchange and negotiated in
the Money Market«
The look of penetration with which Mrs Micawber announced this discovery
as if no one had ever thought of it before seemed rather to astonish my aunt
who abruptly replied »Well maam upon the whole I shouldnt wonder if you
were right«
»Mr Micawber being now on the eve of casting off the pecuniary shackles
that have so long enthralled him« said Mrs Micawber »and of commencing a new
career in a country where there is sufficient range for his abilities which
in my opinion is exceedingly important Mr Micawbers abilities peculiarly
requiring space it seems to me that my family should signalise the occasion
by coming forward What I could wish to see would be a meeting between Mr
Micawber and my family at a festive entertainment to be given at my familys
expense where Mr Micawbers health and prosperity being proposed by some
leading member of my family Mr Micawber might have an opportunity of
developing his views«
»My dear« said Mr Micawber with some heat »it may be better for me to
state distinctly at once that if I were to develop my views to that assembled
group they would possibly be found of an offensive nature my impression being
that your family are in the aggregate impertinent Snobs and in detail
unmitigated Ruffians«
»Micawber« said Mrs Micawber shaking her head »no You have never
understood them and they have never understood you«
Mr Micawber coughed
»They have never understood you Micawber« said his wife »They may be
incapable of it If so that is their misfortune I can pity their misfortune«
»I am extremely sorry my dear Emma« said Mr Micawber relenting »to have
been betrayed into any expressions that might even remotely have the
appearance of being strong expressions All I would say is that I can go
abroad without your family coming forward to favour me in short with a
parting Shove of their cold shoulders and that upon the whole I would rather
leave England with such impetus as I possess than derive any acceleration of it
from that quarter At the same time my dear if they should condescend to reply
to your communications which our joint experience renders most improbable
far be it from me to be a barrier to your wishes«
The matter being thus amicably settled Mr Micawber gave Mrs Micawber his
arm and glancing at the heap of books and papers lying before Traddles on the
table said they would leave us to ourselves which they ceremoniously did
»My dear Copperfield« said Traddles leaning back in his chair when they
were gone and looking at me with an affection that made his eyes red and his
hair all kinds of shapes »I dont make any excuse for troubling you with
business because I know you are deeply interested in it and it may divert your
thoughts My dear boy I hope you are not worn out«
»I am quite myself« said I after a pause »We have more cause to think of
my aunt than of any one You know how much she has done«
»Surely surely« answered Traddles »Who can forget it«
»But even that is not all« said I »During the last fortnight some new
trouble has vexed her and she has been in and out of London every day Several
times she has gone out early and been absent until evening Last night
Traddles with this journey before her it was almost midnight before she came
home You know what her consideration for others is She will not tell me what
has happened to distress her«
My aunt very pale and with deep lines in her face sat immovable until I
had finished when some stray tears found their way to her cheeks and she put
her hand on mine
»Its nothing Trot its nothing There will be no more of it You shall
know by and by Now Agnes my dear let us attend to these affairs«
»I must do Mr Micawber the justice to say« Traddles began »that although
he would appear not to have worked to any good account for himself he is a most
untiring man when he works for other people I never saw such a fellow If he
always goes on in the same way he must be virtually about two hundred years
old at present The heat into which he has been continually putting himself
and the distracted and impetuous manner in which he has been diving day and
night among papers and books to say nothing of the immense number of letters
he has written me between this house and Mr Wickfields and often across the
table when he has been sitting opposite and might much more easily have spoken
is quite extraordinary«
»Letters« cried my aunt »I believe he dreams in letters«
»Theres Mr Dick too« said Traddles »has been doing wonders As soon as
he was released from overlooking Uriah Heep whom he kept in such charge as I
never saw exceeded he began to devote himself to Mr Wickfield And really his
anxiety to be of use in the investigations we have been making and his real
usefulness in extracting and copying and fetching and carrying have been
quite stimulating to us«
»Dick is a very remarkable man« exclaimed my aunt »and I always said he
was Trot you know it«
»I am happy to say Miss Wickfield« pursued Traddles at once with great
delicacy and with great earnestness »that in your absence Mr Wickfield has
considerably improved Relieved of the incubus that had fastened upon him for so
long a time and of the dreadful apprehensions under which he had lived he is
hardly the same person At times even his impaired power of concentrating his
memory and attention on particular points of business has recovered itself very
much and he has been able to assist us in making some things clear that we
should have found very difficult indeed if not hopeless without him But what
I have to do is to come to results which are short enough not to gossip on all
the hopeful circumstances I have observed or I shall never have done«
His natural manner and agreeable simplicity made it transparent that he said
this to put us in good heart and to enable Agnes to hear her father mentioned
with greater confidence but it was not the less pleasant for that
»Now let me see« said Traddles looking among the papers on the table
»Having counted our funds and reduced to order a great mass of unintentional
confusion in the first place and of wilful confusion and falsification in the
second we take it to be clear that Mr Wickfield might now wind up his
business and his agencytrust and exhibit no deficiency or defalcation
whatever«
»Oh thank Heaven« cried Agnes fervently
»But« said Traddles »the surplus that would be left as his means of
support and I suppose the house to be sold even in saying this would be so
small not exceeding in all probability some hundreds of pounds that perhaps
Miss Wickfield it would be best to consider whether he might not retain his
agency of the estate to which he has so long been receiver His friends might
advise him you know now he is free You yourself Miss Wickfield Copperfield
I «
»I have considered it Trotwood« said Agnes looking to me »and I feel
that it ought not to be and must not be even on the recommendation of a friend
to whom I am so grateful and owe so much«
»I will not say that I recommend it« observed Traddles »I think it right
to suggest it No more«
»I am happy to hear you say so« answered Agnes steadily »for it gives me
hope almost assurance that we think alike Dear Mr Traddles and dear
Trotwood papa once free with honour what could I wish for I have always
aspired if I could have released him from the toils in which he was held to
render back some little portion of the love and care I owe him and to devote my
life to him It has been for years the utmost height of my hopes To take our
future on myself will be the next great happiness the next to his release
from all trust and responsibility that I can know«
»Have you thought how Agnes«
»Often I am not afraid dear Trotwood I am certain of success So many
people know me here and think kindly of me that I am certain Dont mistrust
me Our wants are not many If I rent the dear old house and keep a school I
shall be useful and happy«
The calm fervour of her cheerful voice brought back so vividly first the
dear old house itself, and then my solitary home that my heart was too full for
speech Traddles pretended for a little while to be busily looking among the
papers
»Next Miss Trotwood« said Traddles »that property of yours«
»Well sir« sighed my aunt »All I have got to say about it is that if
its gone I can bear it and if its not gone I shall be glad to get it back«
»It was originally I think eight thousand pounds Consols« said Traddles
»Right« replied my aunt
»I cant account for more than five« said Traddles with an air of
perplexity
» thousand do you mean« inquired my aunt with uncommon composure »or
pounds«
»Five thousand pounds« said Traddles
»It was all there was« returned my aunt »I sold three myself One I paid
for your articles Trot my dear and the other two I have by me When I lost
the rest I thought it wise to say nothing about that sum but to keep it
secretly for a rainy day I wanted to see how you would come out of the trial
Trot and you came out nobly persevering selfreliant selfdenying So did
Dick Dont speak to me for I find my nerves a little shaken«
Nobody would have thought so to see her sitting upright with her arms
folded but she had wonderful selfcommand
»Then I am delighted to say« cried Traddles beaming with joy »that we
have recovered the whole money«
»Dont congratulate me anybody« exclaimed my aunt »How so sir«
»You believed it had been misappropriated by Mr Wickfield« said Traddles
»Of course I did« said my aunt »and was therefore easily silenced Agnes
not a word«
»And indeed« said Traddles »it was sold by virtue of the power of
management he held from you but I neednt say by whom sold or on whose actual
signature It was afterwards pretended to Mr Wickfield by that rascal and
proved too by figures that he had possessed himself of the money on
general instructions he said to keep other deficiencies and difficulties from
the light Mr Wickfield being so weak and helpless in his hands as to pay you
afterwards several sums of interest on a pretended principal which he knew did
not exist, made himself unhappily a party to the fraud«
»And at last took the blame upon himself« added my aunt »and wrote me a
mad letter charging himself with robbery and wrong unheard of Upon which I
paid him a visit early one morning called for a candle burnt the letter and
told him if he ever could right me and himself to do it and if he couldnt to
keep his own counsel for his daughters sake If anybody speaks to me Ill
leave the house«
We all remained quiet Agnes covering her face
»Well my dear friend« said my aunt after a pause »and you have really
extorted the money back from him«
»Why the fact is« returned Traddles »Mr Micawber had so completely
hemmed him in and was always ready with so many new points if an old one
failed that he could not escape from us A most remarkable circumstance is
that I really dont think he grasped this sum even so much for the gratification
of his avarice which was inordinate as in the hatred he felt for Copperfield
He said so to me plainly He said he would even have spent as much to baulk or
injure Copperfield«
»Ha« said my aunt knitting her brows thoughtfully and glancing at Agnes
»And whats become of him«
»I dont know He left here« said Traddles »with his mother who had been
clamouring and beseeching and disclosing the whole time They went away by
one of the London night coaches and I know no more about him except that his
malevolence to me at parting was audacious He seemed to consider himself hardly
less indebted to me than to Mr Micawber which I consider as I told him
quite a compliment«
»Do you suppose he has any money Traddles« I asked
»Oh dear yes I should think so« he replied shaking his head seriously
»I should say he must have pocketed a good deal in one way or other But I
think you would find Copperfield if you had an opportunity of observing his
course that money would never keep that man out of mischief He is such an
incarnate hypocrite that whatever object he pursues he must pursue crookedly
Its his only compensation for the outward restraints he puts upon himself
Always creeping along the ground to some small end or other he will always
magnify every object in the way and consequently will hate and suspect
everybody that comes in the most innocent manner between him and it So the
crooked courses will become crookeder at any moment for the least reason or
for none Its only necessary to consider his history here« said Traddles »to
know that«
»Hes a monster of meanness« said my aunt
»Really I dont know about that« observed Traddles thoughtfully »Many
people can be very mean when they give their minds to it«
»And now touching Mr Micawber« said my aunt
»Well really« said Traddles cheerfully »I must once more give Mr
Micawber high praise But for his having been so patient and persevering for so
long a time we never could have hoped to do anything worth speaking of And I
think we ought to consider that Mr Micawber did right for rights sake when
we reflect what terms he might have made with Uriah Heep himself for his
silence«
»I think so too« said I
»Now what would you give him« inquired my aunt
»Oh Before you come to that« said Traddles a little disconcerted »I am
afraid I thought it discreet to omit not being able to carry everything before
me two points in making this lawless adjustment for its perfectly lawless
from beginning to end of a difficult affair Those I O Us and so forth
which Mr Micawber gave him for the advances he had «
»Well They must be paid« said my aunt
»Yes but I dont know when they may be proceeded on or where they are«
rejoined Traddles opening his eyes »and I anticipate that between this time
and his departure Mr Micawber will be constantly arrested or taken in
execution«
»Then he must be constantly set free again and taken out of execution«
said my aunt »Whats the amount altogether«
»Why Mr Micawber has entered the transactions he calls them transactions
with great form in a book« rejoined Traddles smiling »and he makes the
amount a hundred and three pounds five«
»Now what shall we give him that sum included« said my aunt »Agnes my
dear you and I can talk about division of it afterwards What should it be
Five hundred pounds«
Upon this Traddles and I both struck in at once We both recommended a
small sum in money and the payment without stipulation to Mr Micawber of the
Uriah claims as they came in We proposed that the family should have their
passage and their outfit and a hundred pounds and that Mr Micawbers
arrangement for the repayment of the advances should be gravely entered into as
it might be wholesome for him to suppose himself under that responsibility To
this I added the suggestion that I should give some explanation of his
character and history to Mr Peggotty who I knew could be relied on and that
to Mr Peggotty should be quietly entrusted the discretion of advancing another
hundred I further proposed to interest Mr Micawber in Mr Peggotty by
confiding so much of Mr Peggottys story to him as I might feel justified in
relating or might think expedient and to endeavour to bring each of them to
bear upon the other for the common advantage We all entered warmly into these
views and I may mention at once that the principals themselves did so shortly
afterwards with perfect good will and harmony
Seeing that Traddles now glanced anxiously at my aunt again I reminded him
of the second and last point to which he had adverted
»You and your aunt will excuse me Copperfield if I touch upon a painful
theme as I greatly fear I shall« said Traddles hesitating »but I think it
necessary to bring it to your recollection On the day of Mr Micawbers
memorable denunciation a threatening allusion was made by Uriah Heep to your
aunts husband«
My aunt retaining her stiff position and apparent composure assented with
a nod
»Perhaps« observed Traddles »it was mere purposeless impertinence«
»No« returned my aunt
»There was pardon me really such a person and at all in his power«
hinted Traddles
»Yes my good friend« said my aunt
Traddles with a perceptible lengthening of his face explained that he had
not been able to approach this subject that it had shared the fate of Mr
Micawbers liabilities in not being comprehended in the terms he had made that
we were no longer of any authority with Uriah Heep and that if he could do us
or any of us any injury or annoyance no doubt he would
My aunt remained quiet until again some stray tears found their way to her
cheeks
»You are quite right« she said »It was very thoughtful to mention it«
»Can I or Copperfield do anything« asked Traddles gently
»Nothing« said my aunt »I thank you many times Trot my dear a vain
threat Let us have Mr and Mrs Micawber back And dont any of you speak to
me« With that she smoothed her dress and sat with her upright carriage
looking at the door
»Well Mr and Mrs Micawber« said my aunt when they entered »We have
been discussing your emigration with many apologies to you for keeping you out
of the room so long and Ill tell you what arrangements we propose«
These she explained to the unbounded satisfaction of the family children
and all being then present and so much to the awakening of Mr Micawbers
punctual habits in the opening stage of all bill transactions that he could not
be dissuaded from immediately rushing out in the highest spirits to buy the
stamps for his notes of hand But his joy received a sudden check for within
five minutes he returned in the custody of a sheriffs officer informing us
in a flood of tears that all was lost We being quite prepared for this event
which was of course a proceeding of Uriah Heeps soon paid the money and in
five minutes more Mr Micawber was seated at the table filling up the stamps
with an expression of perfect joy which only that congenial employment or the
making of punch could impart in full completeness to his shining face To see
him at work on the stamps with the relish of an artist touching them like
pictures looking at them sideways taking weighty notes of dates and amounts in
his pocketbook and contemplating them when finished with a high sense of
their precious value was a sight indeed
»Now the best thing you can do sir if youll allow me to advise you«
said my aunt after silently observing him »is to abjure that occupation for
evermore«
»Madam« replied Mr Micawber »it is my intention to register such a vow on
the virgin page of the future Mrs Micawber will attest it I trust« said Mr
Micawber solemnly »that my son Wilkins will ever bear in mind that he had
infinitely better put his fist in the fire than use it to handle the serpents
that have poisoned the lifeblood of his unhappy parent« Deeply affected and
changed in a moment to the image of despair Mr Micawber regarded the serpents
with a look of gloomy abhorrence in which his late admiration of them was not
quite subdued folded them up and put them in his pocket
This closed the proceedings of the evening We were weary with sorrow and
fatigue and my aunt and I were to return to London on the morrow It was
arranged that the Micawbers should follow us after effecting a sale of their
goods to a broker that Mr Wickfields affairs should be brought to a
settlement with all convenient speed under the direction of Traddles and that
Agnes should also come to London pending those arrangements We passed the
night at the old house which freed from the presence of the Heeps seemed
purged of a disease and I lay in my old room like a shipwrecked wanderer come
home
We went back next day to my aunts house not to mine and when she and I
sat alone as of old before going to bed she said
»Trot do you really wish to know what I have had upon my mind lately«
»Indeed I do aunt If there ever was a time when I felt unwilling that you
should have a sorrow or anxiety which I could not share it is now«
»You have had sorrow enough child« said my aunt affectionately »without
the addition of my little miseries I could have no other motive Trot in
keeping anything from you«
»I know that well« said I »But tell me now«
»Would you ride with me a little way tomorrow morning« asked my aunt
»Of course«
»At nine« said she »Ill tell you then my dear«
At nine accordingly we went out in a little chariot and drove to London
We drove a long way through the streets until we came to one of the large
hospitals Standing hard by the building was a plain hearse The driver
recognised my aunt and in obedience to a motion of her hand at the window
drove slowly off we following
»You understand it now Trot« said my aunt »He is gone«
»Did he die in the hospital«
»Yes«
She sat immovable beside me but again I saw the stray tears on her face
»He was there once before« said my aunt presently »He was ailing a long
time a shattered broken man these many years When he knew his state in this
last illness he asked them to send for me He was sorry then Very sorry«
»You went I know aunt«
»I went I was with him a good deal afterwards«
»He died the night before we went to Canterbury« said I
My aunt nodded »No one can harm him now« she said »It was a vain threat«
We drove away out of town to the churchyard at Hornsey »Better here than
in the streets« said my aunt »He was born here«
We alighted and followed the plain coffin to a corner I remember well
where the service was read consigning it to the dust
»Sixandthirty years ago this day my dear« said my aunt as we walked
back to the chariot »I was married God forgive us all«
We took our seats in silence and so she sat beside me for a long time
holding my hand At length she suddenly burst into tears and said
»He was a finelooking man when I married him Trot and he was sadly
changed«
It did not last long After the relief of tears she soon became composed
and even cheerful Her nerves were a little shaken she said or she would not
have given way to it God forgive us all
So we rode back to her little cottage at Highgate where we found the
following short note which had arrived by that mornings post from Mr
Micawber
»Canterbury
Friday
My dear Madam and Copperfield
The fair land of promise lately looming on the horizon is again
enveloped in impenetrable mists and for ever withdrawn from the eyes of
a drifting wretch whose Doom is sealed
Another writ has been issued in His Majestys High Court of Kings
Bench at Westminster in another cause of HEEP v MICAWBER and the
defendant in that cause is the prey of the sheriff having legal
jurisdiction in this bailiwick
Nows the day and nows the hour
See the front of battle lower
See approach proud EDWARDS power
Chains and slavery
Consigned to which and to a speedy end for mental torture is not
supportable beyond a certain point and that point I feel I have
attained my course is run Bless you bless you Some future
traveller visiting from motives of curiosity not unmingled let us
hope with sympathy the place of confinement allotted to debtors in
this city may and I trust will Ponder as he traces on its wall
inscribed with a rusty nail
The obscure initials
W M
P S I reopen this to say that our common friend Mr Thomas Traddles
who has not yet left us and is looking extremely well has paid the
debt and costs in the noble name of Miss Trotwood and that myself and
family are at the height of earthly bliss«
Chapter LV
Tempest
I now approach an event in my life so indelible so awful so bound by an
infinite variety of ties to all that has preceded it in these pages that from
the beginning of my narrative I have seen it growing larger and larger as I
advanced like a great tower in a plain and throwing its forecast shadow even
on the incidents of my childish days
For years after it occurred I dreamed of it often I have started up so
vividly impressed by it that its fury has yet seemed raging in my quiet room
in the still night I dream of it sometimes though at lengthened and uncertain
intervals to this hour I have an association between it and a stormy wind or
the lightest mention of a seashore as strong as any of which my mind is
conscious As plainly as I behold what happened I will try to write it down I
do not recall it but see it done for it happens again before me
The time drawing on rapidly for the sailing of the emigrantship my good
old nurse almost brokenhearted for me when we first met came up to London I
was constantly with her and her brother and the Micawbers they being very
much together but Emily I never saw
One evening when the time was close at hand I was alone with Peggotty and
her brother Our conversation turned on Ham She described to us how tenderly he
had taken leave of her and how manfully and quietly he had borne himself Most
of all of late when she believed he was most tried It was a subject of which
the affectionate creature never tired and our interest in hearing the many
examples which she who was so much with him had to relate was equal to hers
in relating them
My aunt and I were at that time vacating the two cottages at Highgate I
intending to go abroad and she to return to her house at Dover We had a
temporary lodging in Covent Garden As I walked home to it after this evenings
conversation reflecting on what had passed between Ham and myself when I was
last at Yarmouth I wavered in the original purpose I had formed of leaving a
letter for Emily when I should take leave of her uncle on board the ship and
thought it would be better to write to her now She might desire I thought
after receiving my communication to send some parting word by me to her unhappy
lover I ought to give her the opportunity
I therefore sat down in my room before going to bed and wrote to her I
told her that I had seen him and that he had requested me to tell her what I
have already written in its place in these sheets I faithfully repeated it I
had no need to enlarge upon it if I had had the right Its deep fidelity and
goodness were not to be adorned by me or any man I left it out to be sent
round in the morning with a line to Mr Peggotty requesting him to give it to
her and went to bed at daybreak
I was weaker than I knew then and not falling asleep until the sun was up
lay late and unrefreshed next day I was roused by the silent presence of my
aunt at my bedside I felt it in my sleep as I suppose we all do feel such
things
»Trot my dear« she said when I opened my eyes »I couldnt make up my
mind to disturb you Mr Peggotty is here shall he come up«
I replied yes and he soon appeared
»Masr Davy« he said when we had shaken hands »I giv Emly your letter
sir and she writ this heer and begged of me fur to ask you to read it and if
you see no hurt int to be so kind as take charge ont«
»Have you read it« said I
He nodded sorrowfully I opened it and read as follows
»I have got your message Oh what can I write to thank you for your
good and blessed kindness to me
I have put the words close to my heart I shall keep them till I
die They are sharp thorns but they are such comfort I have prayed
over them oh I have prayed so much When I find what you are and what
uncle is I think what God must be and can cry to him
Goodbye for ever Now my dear my friend goodbye for ever in
this world In another world if I am forgiven I may wake a child and
come to you All thanks and blessings Farewell evermore«
This blotted with tears was the letter
»May I tell her as you doent see no hurt int and as youll be so kind as
take charge ont Masr Davy« said Mr Peggotty when I had read it
»Unquestionably« said I »but I am thinking «
»Yes Masr Davy«
»I am thinking« said I »that Ill go down again to Yarmouth Theres time
and to spare for me to go and come back before the ship sails My mind is
constantly running on him in his solitude to put this letter of her writing in
his hand at this time and to enable you to tell her in the moment of parting
that he has got it will be a kindness to both of them I solemnly accepted his
commission dear good fellow and cannot discharge it too completely The
journey is nothing to me I am restless and shall be better in motion Ill go
down tonight«
Though he anxiously endeavoured to dissuade me I saw that he was of my
mind and this if I had required to be confirmed in my intention would have
had the effect He went round to the coachoffice at my request and took the
boxseat for me on the mail In the evening I started by that conveyance down
the road I had traversed under so many vicissitudes
»Dont you think that« I asked the coachman in the first stage out of
London »a very remarkable sky I dont remember to have seen one like it«
»Nor I not equal to it« he replied »Thats wind sir Therell be
mischief done at sea I expect before long«
It was a murky confusion here and there blotted with a colour like the
colour of the smoke from damp fuel of flying clouds tossed up into most
remarkable heaps suggesting greater heights in the clouds than there were
depths below them to the bottom of the deepest hollows in the earth through
which the wild moon seemed to plunge headlong as if in a dread disturbance of
the laws of nature, she had lost her way and were frightened There had been a
wind all day and it was rising then with an extraordinary great sound In
another hour it had much increased and the sky was more overcast and blew
hard
But as the night advanced the clouds closing in and densely overspreading
the whole sky then very dark it came on to blow harder and harder It still
increased until our horses could scarcely face the wind Many times in the
dark part of the night it was then late in September when the nights were not
short the leaders turned about or came to a dead stop and we were often in
serious apprehension that the coach would be blown over Sweeping gusts of rain
came up before this storm like showers of steel and at those times when
there was any shelter of trees or lee walls to be got we were fain to stop in
a sheer impossibility of continuing the struggle
When the day broke it blew harder and harder I had been in Yarmouth when
the seamen said it blew great guns but I had never known the like of this or
anything approaching to it We came to Ipswich very late having had to fight
every inch of ground since we were ten miles out of London and found a cluster
of people in the marketplace who had risen from their beds in the night
fearful of falling chimneys Some of these congregating about the innyard
while we changed horses told us of great sheets of lead having been ripped off
a high churchtower and flung into a byestreet which they then blocked up
Others had to tell of country people coming in from neighbouring villages who
had seen great trees lying torn out of the earth and whole ricks scattered
about the roads and fields Still there was no abatement in the storm but it
blew harder
As we struggled on nearer and nearer to the sea from which this mighty
wind was blowing dead on shore its force became more and more terrific Long
before we saw the sea its spray was on our lips and showered salt rain upon
us The water was out over miles and miles of the flat country adjacent to
Yarmouth and every sheet and puddle lashed its banks and had its stress of
little breakers setting heavily towards us When we came within sight of the
sea the waves on the horizon caught at intervals above the rolling abyss were
like glimpses of another shore with towers and buildings When at last we got
into the town the people came out to their doors all aslant and with
streaming hair making a wonder of the mail that had come through such a night
I put up at the old inn and went down to look at the sea staggering along
the street which was strewn with sand and seaweed and with flying blotches of
seafoam afraid of falling slates and tiles and holding by people I met at
angry corners Coming near the beach I saw not only the boatmen but half the
people of the town lurking behind buildings some now and then braving the
fury of the storm to look away to sea and blown sheer out of their course in
trying to get zigzag back
Joining these groups I found bewailing women whose husbands were away in
herring or oyster boats which there was too much reason to think might have
foundered before they could run in anywhere for safety Grizzled old sailors
were among the people shaking their heads as they looked from water to sky
and muttering to one another; shipowners excited and uneasy children
huddling together and peering into older faces even stout mariners disturbed
and anxious levelling their glasses at the sea from behind places of shelter
as if they were surveying an enemy
The tremendous sea itself when I could find sufficient pause to look at it
in the agitation of the blinding wind the flying stones and sand and the awful
noise confounded me As the high watery walls came rolling in and at their
highest tumbled into surf they looked as if the least would engulf the town
As the receding wave swept back with a hoarse roar it seemed to scoop out deep
caves in the beach as if its purpose were to undermine the earth When some
whiteheaded billows thundered on and dashed themselves to pieces before they
reached the land every fragment of the late whole seemed possessed by the full
might of its wrath rushing to be gathered to the composition of another
monster Undulating hills were changed to valleys undulating valleys with a
solitary stormbird sometimes skimming through them were lifted up to hills
masses of water shivered and shook the beach with a booming sound every shape
tumultuously rolled on as soon as made to change its shape and place and beat
another shape and place away the ideal shore on the horizon with its towers
and buildings rose and fell the clouds fell fast and thick I seemed to see a
rending and upheaving of all nature
Not finding Ham among the people whom this memorable wind for it is still
remembered down there as the greatest ever known to blow upon that coast had
brought together I made my way to his house It was shut and as no one
answered to my knocking I went by back ways and byelanes to the yard where
he worked I learned there that he had gone to Lowestoft to meet some sudden
exigency of shiprepairing in which his skill was required but that he would be
back tomorrow morning in good time
I went back to the inn and when I had washed and dressed and tried to
sleep but in vain it was five oclock in the afternoon I had not sat five
minutes by the coffeeroom fire when the waiter coming to stir it as an excuse
for talking told me that two colliers had gone down with all hands a few
miles away and that some other ships had been seen labouring hard in the Roads
and trying in great distress to keep off shore Mercy on them and on all poor
sailors said he if we had another night like the last
I was very much depressed in spirits very solitary and felt an uneasiness
in Hams not being there disproportionate to the occasion I was seriously
affected without knowing how much by late events and my long exposure to the
fierce wind had confused me There was that jumble in my thoughts and
recollections that I had lost the clear arrangement of time and distance Thus
if I had gone out into the town I should not have been surprised I think to
encounter some one who I knew must be then in London So to speak there was in
these respects a curious inattention in my mind Yet it was busy too with all
the remembrances the place naturally awakened and they were particularly
distinct and vivid
In this state the waiters dismal intelligence about the ships immediately
connected itself without any effort of my volition with my uneasiness about
Ham I was persuaded that I had an apprehension of his returning from Lowestoft
by sea and being lost This grew so strong with me that I resolved to go back
to the yard before I took my dinner and ask the boatbuilder if he thought his
attempting to return by sea at all likely If he gave me the least reason to
think so I would go over to Lowestoft and prevent it by bringing him with me
I hastily ordered my dinner and went back to the yard I was none too soon
for the boatbuilder with a lantern in his hand was locking the yardgate He
quite laughed when I asked him the question and said there was no fear no man
in his senses or out of them would put off in such a gale of wind least of
all Ham Peggotty who had been born to seafaring
So sensible of this beforehand that I had really felt ashamed of doing
what I was nevertheless impelled to do I went back to the inn If such a wind
could rise I think it was rising The howl and roar the rattling of the doors
and windows the rumbling in the chimneys the apparent rocking of the very
house that sheltered me and the prodigious tumult of the sea were more fearful
than in the morning But there was now a great darkness besides and that
invested the storm with new terrors real and fanciful
I could not eat I could not sit still I could not continue stedfast to
anything Something within me faintly answering to the storm without tossed up
the depths of my memory and made a tumult in them Yet in all the hurry of my
thoughts wild running with the thundering sea the storm and my uneasiness
regarding Ham were always in the foreground
My dinner went away almost untasted and I tried to refresh myself with a
glass or two of wine In vain I fell into a dull slumber before the fire
without losing my consciousness either of the uproar out of doors or of the
place in which I was Both became overshadowed by a new and indefinable horror
and when I awoke or rather when I shook off the lethargy that bound me in my
chair my whole frame thrilled with objectless and unintelligible fear
I walked to and fro tried to read an old gazetteer listened to the awful
noises looked at faces scenes and figures in the fire At length the steady
ticking of the undisturbed clock on the wall tormented me to that degree that I
resolved to go to bed
It was reassuring on such a night to be told that some of the innservants
had agreed together to sit up until morning I went to bed exceedingly weary
and heavy but on my lying down all such sensations vanished as if by magic
and I was broad awake with every sense refined
For hours I lay there listening to the wind and water imagining now that
I heard shrieks out at sea now that I distinctly heard the firing of signal
guns and now the fall of houses in the town I got up several times and
looked out but could see nothing except the reflection in the windowpanes of
the faint candle I had left burning and of my own haggard face looking in at me
from the black void
At length my restlessness attained to such a pitch that I hurried on my
clothes and went downstairs In the large kitchen where I dimly saw bacon and
ropes of onions hanging from the beams the watchers were clustered together in
various attitudes about a table purposely moved away from the great chimney
and brought near the door A pretty girl who had her ears stopped with her
apron and her eyes upon the door screamed when I appeared supposing me to be
a spirit but the others had more presence of mind and were glad of an addition
to their company One man referring to the topic they had been discussing
asked me whether I thought the souls of the colliercrews who had gone down
were out in the storm
I remained there I dare say two hours Once I opened the yardgate and
looked into the empty street The sand the seaweed and the flakes of foam
were driving by and I was obliged to call for assistance before I could shut
the gate again and make it fast against the wind
There was a dark gloom in my solitary chamber when I at length returned to
it but I was tired now and getting into bed again fell off a tower and
down a precipice into the depths of sleep I have an impression that for a
long time though I dreamed of being elsewhere and in a variety of scenes it
was always blowing in my dream At length I lost that feeble hold upon reality,
and was engaged with two dear friends but who they were I dont know at the
siege of some town in a roar of cannonading
The thunder of the cannon was so loud and incessant that I could not hear
something I much desired to hear until I made a great exertion and awoke It
was broad day eight or nine oclock the storm raging in lieu of the
batteries and some one knocking and calling at my door
»What is the matter« I cried
»A wreck Close by«
I sprung out of bed and asked what wreck
»A schooner from Spain or Portugal laden with fruit and wine Make haste
sir if you want to see her Its thought down on the beach shell go to
pieces every moment«
The excited voice went clamouring along the staircase and I wrapped myself
in my clothes as quickly as I could and ran into the street
Numbers of people were there before me all running in one direction to the
beach I ran the same way outstripping a good many and soon came facing the
wild sea
The wind might by this time have lulled a little though not more sensibly
than if the cannonading I had dreamed of had been diminished by the silencing
of halfadozen guns out of hundreds But the sea having upon it the
additional agitation of the whole night was infinitely more terrific than when
I had seen it last Every appearance it had then presented bore the expression
of being swelled and the height to which the breakers rose and looking over
one another, bore one another down and rolled in in interminable hosts was
most appalling
In the difficulty of hearing anything but wind and waves and in the crowd
and the unspeakable confusion and my first breathless efforts to stand against
the weather I was so confused that I looked out to sea for the wreck and saw
nothing but the foaming heads of the great waves A halfdressed boatman
standing next me pointed with his bare arm a tattood arrow on it pointing in
the same direction to the left Then O great Heaven I saw it close in upon
us
One mast was broken short off six or eight feet from the deck and lay over
the side entangled in a maze of sail and rigging and all that ruin as the
ship rolled and beat which she did without a moments pause and with a
violence quite inconceivable beat the side as if it would stave it in Some
efforts were even then being made to cut this portion of the wreck away for
as the ship which was broadside on turned towards us in her rolling I plainly
descried her people at work with axes especially one active figure with long
curling hair conspicuous among the rest But a great cry which was audible
even above the wind and water rose from the shore at this moment the sea
sweeping over the rolling wreck made a clean breach and carried men spars
casks planks bulwarks heaps of such toys into the boiling surge
The second mast was yet standing with the rags of a rent sail and a wild
confusion of broken cordage flapping to and fro The ship had struck once the
same boatman hoarsely said in my ear and then lifted in and struck again I
understood him to add that she was parting amidships and I could readily
suppose so for the rolling and beating were too tremendous for any human work
to suffer long As he spoke there was another great cry of pity from the beach
four men arose with the wreck out of the deep clinging to the rigging of the
remaining mast uppermost the active figure with the curling hair
There was a bell on board and as the ship rolled and dashed like a
desperate creature driven mad now showing us the whole sweep of her deck as
she turned on her beamends towards the shore now nothing but her keel as she
sprung wildly over and turned towards the sea the bell rang and its sound the
knell of those unhappy men was borne towards us on the wind Again we lost her
and again she rose Two men were gone The agony on shore increased Men
groaned and clasped their hands women shrieked and turned away their faces
Some ran wildly up and down along the beach crying for help where no help could
be I found myself one of these frantically imploring a knot of sailors whom I
knew not to let those two lost creatures perish before our eyes
They were making out to me in an agitated way I dont know how for the
little I could hear I was scarcely composed enough to understand that the
lifeboat had been bravely manned an hour ago and could do nothing and that as
no man would be so desperate as to attempt to wade off with a rope and
establish a communication with the shore there was nothing left to try when I
noticed that some new sensation moved the people on the beach and saw them
part and Ham come breaking through them to the front
I ran to him as well as I know to repeat my appeal for help But
distracted though I was by a sight so new to me and terrible the determination
in his face and his look out to sea exactly the same look as I remembered in
connexion with the morning after Emilys flight awoke me to a knowledge of his
danger I held him back with both arms and implored the men with whom I had
been speaking not to listen to him not to do murder not to let him stir from
off that sand
Another cry arose on shore and looking to the wreck we saw the cruel sail
with blow on blow beat off the lower of the two men and fly up in triumph
round the active figure left alone upon the mast
Against such a sight and against such determination as that of the calmly
desperate man who was already accustomed to lead half the people present I
might as hopefully have entreated the wind »Masr Davy« he said cheerily
grasping me by both hands »if my time is come tis come If tant Ill bide
it Lord above bless you and bless all Mates make me ready Im a going off«
I was swept away but not unkindly to some distance where the people
around me made me stay urging as I confusedly perceived that he was bent on
going with help or without and that I should endanger the precautions for his
safety by troubling those with whom they rested I dont know what I answered
or what they rejoined but I saw hurry on the beach and men running with ropes
from a capstan that was there and penetrating into a circle of figures that hid
him from me Then I saw him standing alone in a seamans frock and trowsers a
rope in his hand or slung to his wrist another round his body and several of
the best men holding at a little distance to the latter which he laid out
himself slack upon the shore at his feet
The wreck even to my unpractised eye was breaking up I saw that she was
parting in the middle and that the life of the solitary man upon the mast hung
by a thread Still he clung to it He had a singular red cap on not like a
sailors cap but of a finer colour and as the few yielding planks between him
and destruction rolled and bulged and his anticipative deathknell rung he was
seen by all of us to wave it I saw him do it now and thought I was going
distracted when his action brought an old remembrance to my mind of a once dear
friend
Ham watched the sea standing alone with the silence of suspended breath
behind him and the storm before until there was a great retiring wave when
with a backward glance at those who held the rope which was made fast round his
body he dashed in after it and in a moment was buffetting with the water
rising with the hills falling with the valleys lost beneath the foam then
drawn again to land They hauled in hastily
He was hurt I saw blood on his face from where I stood but he took no
thought of that He seemed hurriedly to give them some directions for leaving
him more free or so I judged from the motion of his arm and was gone as
before
And now he made for the wreck rising with the hills falling with the
valleys lost beneath the rugged foam borne in towards the shore borne on
towards the ship striving hard and valiantly The distance was nothing but the
power of the sea and wind made the strife deadly At length he neared the wreck
He was so near that with one more of his vigorous strokes he would be clinging
to it when a high green vast hillside of water moving on shoreward from
beyond the ship he seemed to leap up into it with a mighty bound and the ship
was gone
Some eddying fragments I saw in the sea as if a mere cask had been broken
in running to the spot where they were hauling in Consternation was in every
face They drew him to my very feet insensible dead He was carried to the
nearest house and no one preventing me now I remained near him busy while
every means of restoration were tried but he had been beaten to death by the
great wave and his generous heart was stilled for ever
As I sat beside the bed when hope was abandoned and all was done a
fisherman who had known me when Emily and I were children and ever since
whispered my name at the door
»Sir« said he with tears starting to his weatherbeaten face which with
his trembling lips was ashy pale »will you come over yonder«
The old remembrance that had been recalled to me was in his look I asked
him terrorstricken leaning on the arm he held out to support me
»Has a body come ashore«
He said »Yes«
»Do I know it« I asked then
He answered nothing
But he led me to the shore And on that part of it where she and I had
looked for shells two children on that part of it where some lighter
fragments of the old boat blown down last night had been scattered by the wind
among the ruins of the home he had wronged I saw him lying with his head
upon his arm as I had often seen him lie at school
Chapter LVI
The New Wound and the Old
No need O Steerforth to have said when we last spoke together in that hour
which I so little deemed to be our partinghour no need to have said »Think
of me at my best« I had done that ever and could I change now looking on this
sight
They brought a handbier and laid him on it and covered him with a flag
and took him up and bore him on towards the houses All the men who carried him
had known him and gone sailing with him and seen him merry and bold They
carried him through the wild roar a hush in the midst of all the tumult and
took him to the cottage where Death was already
But when they set the bier down on the threshold they looked at one
another, and at me and whispered I knew why They felt as if it were not right
to lay him down in the same quiet room
We went into the town and took our burden to the inn So soon as I could at
all collect my thoughts I sent for Joram and begged him to provide me a
conveyance in which it could be got to London in the night I knew that the care
of it and the hard duty of preparing his mother to receive it could only rest
with me and I was anxious to discharge that duty as faithfully as I could
I chose the night for the journey that there might be less curiosity when I
left the town But although it was nearly midnight when I came out of the yard
in a chaise followed by what I had in charge there were many people waiting
At intervals along the town and even a little way out upon the road I saw
more but at length only the bleak night and the open country were around me
and the ashes of my youthful friendship
Upon a mellow autumn day about noon when the ground was perfumed by fallen
leaves and many more in beautiful tints of yellow red and brown yet hung
upon the trees through which the sun was shining I arrived at Highgate I
walked the last mile thinking as I went along of what I had to do and left the
carriage that had followed me all through the night awaiting orders to advance
The house when I came up to it looked just the same Not a blind was
raised no sign of life was in the dull paved court with its covered way
leading to the disused door The wind had quite gone down and nothing moved
I had not at first the courage to ring at the gate and when I did ring
my errand seemed to me to be expressed in the very sound of the bell The little
parlourmaid came out with the key in her hand and looking earnestly at me as
she unlocked the gate said
»I beg your pardon sir Are you ill«
»I have been much agitated and am fatigued«
»Is anything the matter sir Mr James «
»Hush« said I »Yes something has happened that I have to break to Mrs
Steerforth She is at home«
The girl anxiously replied that her mistress was very seldom out now even
in a carriage that she kept her room that she saw no company but would see
me Her mistress was up she said and Miss Dartle was with her What message
should she take upstairs
Giving her a strict charge to be careful of her manner and only to carry in
my card and say I waited I sat down in the drawingroom which we had now
reached until she should come back Its former pleasant air of occupation was
gone and the shutters were half closed The harp had not been used for many and
many a day His picture as a boy was there The cabinet in which his mother
had kept his letters was there I wondered if she ever read them now if she
would ever read them more
The house was so still that I heard the girls light step upstairs On her
return she brought a message to the effect that Mrs Steerforth was an invalid
and could not come down but that if I would excuse her being in her chamber
she would be glad to see me In a few moments I stood before her
She was in his room not in her own I felt of course that she had taken
to occupy it in remembrance of him and that the many tokens of his old sports
and accomplishments by which she was surrounded remained there just as he had
left them for the same reason She murmured however even in her reception of
me that she was out of her own chamber because its aspect was unsuited to her
infirmity and with her stately look repelled the least suspicion of the truth
At her chair as usual was Rosa Dartle From the first moment of her dark
eyes resting on me I saw she knew I was the bearer of evil tidings The scar
sprung into view that instant She withdrew herself a step behind the chair to
keep her own face out of Mrs Steerforths observation and scrutinised me with
a piercing gaze that never faltered never shrunk
»I am sorry to observe you are in mourning sir« said Mrs Steerforth
»I am unhappily a widower« said I
»You are very young to know so great a loss« she returned »I am grieved to
hear it I am grieved to hear it I hope Time will be good to you«
»I hope Time« said I looking at her »will be good to all of us Dear Mrs
Steerforth we must all trust to that in our heaviest misfortunes«
The earnestness of my manner and the tears in my eyes alarmed her The
whole course of her thoughts appeared to stop and change
I tried to command my voice in gently saying his name but it trembled She
repeated it to herself two or three times in a low tone Then addressing me
she said with enforced calmness
»My son is ill«
»Very ill«
»You have seen him«
»I have«
»Are you reconciled«
I could not say Yes I could not say No She slightly turned her head
towards the spot where Rosa Dartle had been standing at her elbow and in that
moment I said by the motion of my lips to Rosa »Dead«
That Mrs Steerforth might not be induced to look behind her and read
plainly written what she was not yet prepared to know I met her look quickly
but I had seen Rosa Dartle throw her hands up in the air with vehemence of
despair and horror and then clasp them on her face
The handsome lady so like Oh so like regarded me with a fixed look
and put her hand to her forehead I besought her to be calm and prepare herself
to bear what I had to tell but I should rather have entreated her to weep for
she sat like a stone figure
»When I was last here« I faltered »Miss Dartle told me he was sailing here
and there The night before last was a dreadful one at sea If he were at sea
that night and near a dangerous coast as it is said he was and if the vessel
that was seen should really be the ship which «
»Rosa« said Mrs Steerforth »come to me«
She came but with no sympathy or gentleness Her eyes gleamed like fire as
she confronted his mother and broke into a frightful laugh
»Now« she said »is your pride appeased you madwoman Now has he made
atonement to you with hip life Do you hear His life«
Mrs Steerforth fallen back stiffly in her chair and making no sound but a
moan cast her eyes upon her with a wide stare
»Aye« cried Rosa smiting herself passionately on the breast »look at me
Moan and groan and look at me Look here« striking the scar »at your dead
childs handiwork«
The moan the mother uttered from time to time went to my heart Always the
same Always inarticulate and stifled Always accompanied with an incapable
motion of the head but with no change of face Always proceeding from a rigid
mouth and closed teeth as if the jaw were locked and the face frozen up in
pain
»Do you remember when he did this« she proceeded »Do you remember when in
his inheritance of your nature and in your pampering of his pride and passion
he did this and disfigured me for life Look at me marked until I die with his
high displeasure and moan and groan for what you made him«
»Miss Dartle« I entreated her »For Heavens sake «
»I will speak« she said turning on me with her lightning eyes »Be silent
you Look at me I say proud mother of a proud false son Moan for your nurture
of him moan for your corruption of him moan for your loss of him moan for
mine«
She clenched her hand and trembled through her spare worn figure as if her
passion were killing her by inches
»YOU resent his selfwill« she exclaimed » YOU injured by his haughty
temper YOU who opposed to both when your hair was grey the qualities which
made both when you gave him birth YOU who from his cradle reared him to be
what he was and stunted what he should have been Are you rewarded now for
your years of trouble«
»Oh Miss Dartle shame Oh cruel«
»I tell you« she returned »I will speak to her No power on earth should
stop me while I was standing here Have I been silent all these years and
shall I not speak now I loved him better than you ever loved him« turning on
her fiercely »I could have loved him and asked no return If I had been his
wife I could have been the slave of his caprices for a word of love ayear I
should have been Who knows it better than I You were exacting proud
punctilious selfish My love would have been devoted would have trod your
paltry whimpering under foot«
With flashing eyes she stamped upon the ground as if she actually did it
»Look here« she said striking the scar again with a relentless hand
»When he grew into the better understanding of what he had done he saw it and
repented of it I could sing to him and talk to him and show the ardour that I
felt in all he did and attain with labour to such knowledge as most interested
him and I attracted him When he was freshest and truest he loved me Yes he
did Many a time when you were put off with a slight word he has taken Me to
his heart«
She said it with a taunting pride in the midst of her frenzy for it was
little less yet with an eager remembrance of it in which the smouldering
embers of a gentler feeling kindled for the moment
»I descended as I might have known I should but that he fascinated me
with his boyish courtship into a doll a trifle for the occupation of an idle
hour to be dropped and taken up and trifled with as the inconstant humour
took him When he grew weary I grew weary As his fancy died out I would no
more have tried to strengthen any power I had than I would have married him on
his being forced to take me for his wife We fell away from one another without
a word Perhaps you saw it and were not sorry Since then I have been a mere
disfigured piece of furniture between you both having no eyes no ears no
feelings no remembrances Moan Moan for what you made him not for your love
I tell you that the time was when I loved him better than you ever did«
She stood with her bright angry eyes confronting the wide stare and the set
face and softened no more when the moaning was repeated than if the face had
been a picture
»Miss Dartle« said I »if you can be so obdurate as not to feel for this
afflicted mother «
»Who feels for me« she sharply retorted »She has sown this Let her moan
for the harvest that she reaps today«
»And if his faults « I began
»Faults« she cried bursting into passionate tears »Who dares malign him
He had a soul worth millions of the friends to whom he stooped«
»No one can have loved him better no one can hold him in dearer remembrance
than I« I replied »I meant to say if you have no compassion for his mother
or if his faults you have been bitter on them «
»Its false« she cried tearing her black hair »I loved him«
» if his faults cannot« I went on »be banished from your remembrance in
such an hour look at that figure even as one you have never seen before and
render it some help«
All this time the figure was unchanged and looked unchangeable
Motionless rigid staring moaning in the same dumb way from time to time with
the same helpless motion of the head but giving no other sign of life Miss
Dartle suddenly kneeled down before it and began to loosen the dress
»A curse upon you« she said looking round at me with a mingled expression
of rage and grief »It was in an evil hour that you ever came here A curse upon
you Go«
After passing out of the room I hurried back to ring the bell the sooner
to alarm the servants She had then taken the impassive figure in her arms and
still upon her knees was weeping over it kissing it calling to it rocking it
to and fro upon her bosom like a child and trying every tender means to rouse
the dormant senses No longer afraid of leaving her I noiselessly turned back
again and alarmed the house as I went out
Later in the day I returned and we laid him in his mothers room She was
just the same they told me Miss Dartle never left her doctors were in
attendance many things had been tried but she lay like a statue except for
the low sound now and then
I went through the dreary house and darkened the windows The windows of
the chamber where he lay I darkened last I lifted up the leaden hand and held
it to my heart and all the world seemed death and silence broken only by his
mothers moaning
Chapter LVII
The Emigrants
One thing more I had to do before yielding myself to the shock of these
emotions It was to conceal what had occurred from those who were going away
and to dismiss them on their voyage in happy ignorance In this no time was to
be lost
I took Mr Micawber aside that same night and confided to him the task of
standing between Mr Peggotty and intelligence of the late catastrophe He
zealously undertook to do so and to intercept any newspaper through which it
might without such precautions reach him
»If it penetrates to him sir« said Mr Micawber striking himself on the
breast »it shall first pass through this body«
Mr Micawber I must observe in his adaptation of himself to a new state of
society had acquired a bold buccaneering air not absolutely lawless but
defensive and prompt One might have supposed him a child of the wilderness
long accustomed to live out of the confines of civilisation and about to return
to his native wilds
He had provided himself among other things with complete suit of oilskin
and a straw hat with a very low crown pitched or caulked on the outside In
this rough clothing with a common mariners telescope under his arm and a
shrewd trick of casting up his eye at the sky as looking out for dirty weather
he was far more nautical after his manner than Mr Peggotty His whole family
if I may so express it were cleared for action I found Mrs Micawber in the
closest and most uncompromising of bonnets made fast under the chin and in a
shawl which tied her up as I had been tied up when my aunt first received me
like a bundle and was secured behind at the waist in a strong knot Miss
Micawber I found made snug for stormy weather in the same manner with nothing
superfluous about her Master Micawber was hardly visible in a Guernsey shirt
and the shaggiest suit of slops I ever saw and the children were done up like
preserved meats in impervious cases Both Mr Micawber and his eldest son wore
their sleeves loosely turned back at the wrists as being ready to lend a hand
in any direction and to tumble up or sing out »Yeo Heave Yeo« on the
shortest notice
Thus Traddles and I found them at nightfall assembled on the wooden steps
at that time known as Hungerford Stairs watching the departure of a boat with
some of their property on board I had told Traddles of the terrible event and
it had greatly shocked him but there could be no doubt of the kindness of
keeping it a secret and he had come to help me in this last service It was
here that I took Mr Micawber aside and received his promise
The Micawber family were lodged in a little dirty tumbledown publichouse
which in those days was close to the stairs and whose protruding wooden rooms
overhung the river The family as emigrants being objects of some interest in
and about Hungerford attracted so many beholders that we were glad to take
refuge in their room It was one of the wooden chambers upstairs with the tide
flowing underneath My aunt and Agnes were there busily making some little
extra comforts in the way of dress for the children Peggotty was quietly
assisting with the old insensible workbox yard measure and bit of wax candle
before her that had now outlived so much
It was not easy to answer her inquiries still less to whisper Mr Peggotty
when Mr Micawber brought him in that I had given the letter and all was well
But I did both and made them happy If I showed any trace of what I felt my
own sorrows were sufficient to account for it
»And when does the ship sail Mr Micawber« asked my aunt
Mr Micawber considered it necessary to prepare either my aunt or his wife
by degrees and said sooner than he had expected yesterday
»The boat brought you word I suppose« said my aunt
»It did maam« he returned
»Well« said my aunt »And she sails «
»Madam« he replied »I am informed that we must positively be on board
before seven tomorrow morning«
»Heyday« said my aunt »thats soon Is it a seagoing fact Mr Peggotty«
»Tis so maam Shell drop down the river with that theer tide If Masr
Davy and my sister comes aboard at Gravesen arternoon o next day theyll see
the last on us«
»And that we shall do« said I »be sure«
»Until then and until we are at sea« observed Mr Micawber with a glance
of intelligence at me »Mr Peggotty and myself will constantly keep a double
lookout together on our goods and chattels Emma my love« said Mr Micawber
clearing his throat in his magnificent way »my friend Mr Thomas Traddles is so
obliging as to solicit in my ear that he should have the privilege of ordering
the ingredients necessary to the composition of a moderate portion of that
Beverage which is peculiarly associated in our minds, with the Roast Beef of
Old England I allude to in short Punch Under ordinary circumstances I
should scruple to entreat the indulgence of Miss Trotwood and Miss Wickfield
but «
»I can only say for myself« said my aunt »that I will drink all happiness
and success to you Mr Micawber with the utmost pleasure«
»And I too« said Agnes with a smile
Mr Micawber immediately descended to the bar where he appeared to be quite
at home and in due time returned with a steaming jug I could not but observe
that he had been peeling the lemons with his own claspknife which as became
the knife of a practical settler was about a foot long and which he wiped not
wholly without ostentation on the sleeve of his coat Mrs Micawber and the two
elder members of the family I now found to be provided with similar formidable
instruments while every child had its own wooden spoon attached to its body by
a strong line In a similar anticipation of life afloat and in the Bush Mr
Micawber instead of helping Mrs Micawber and his eldest son and daughter to
punch in wineglasses which he might easily have done for there was a
shelffull in the room served it out to them in a series of villainous little
tin pots and I never saw him enjoy anything so much as drinking out of his own
particular pint pot and putting it in his pocket at the close of the evening
»The luxuries of the old country« said Mr Micawber with an intense
satisfaction in their renouncement »we abandon The denizens of the forest
cannot of course expect to participate in the refinements of the land of the
Free«
Here a boy came in to say that Mr Micawber was wanted downstairs
»I have a presentiment« said Mrs Micawber setting down her tin pot »that
it is a member of my family«
»If so my dear« observed Mr Micawber with his usual suddenness of warmth
on that subject »as the member of your family whoever he she or it may be
has kept us waiting for a considerable period perhaps the Member may now wait
my convenience«
»Micawber« said his wife in a low tone »at such a time as this «
»It is not meet« said Mr Micawber rising »that every nice offence should
bear its comment Emma I stand reproved«
»The loss Micawber« observed his wife »has been my familys not yours
If my family are at length sensible of the deprivation to which their own
conduct has in the past exposed them and now desire to extend the hand of
fellowship let it not be repulsed«
»My dear« he returned »so be it«
»If not for their sakes for mine Micawber« said his wife
»Emma« he returned »that view of the question is at such a moment
irresistible I cannot even now distinctly pledge myself to fall upon your
familys neck but the member of your family who is now in attendance shall
have no genial warmth frozen by me«
Mr Micawber withdrew and was absent some little time in the course of
which Mrs Micawber was not wholly free from an apprehension that words might
have arisen between him and the Member At length the same boy reappeared and
presented me with a note written in pencil and headed in a legal manner Heep
v Micawber From this document I learned that Mr Micawber being again
arrested was in a final paroxysm of despair and that he begged me to send him
his knife and pint pot by bearer as they might prove serviceable during the
brief remainder of his existence in jail He also requested as a last act of
friendship that I would see his family to the Parish Workhouse and forget that
such a Being ever lived
Of course I answered this note by going down with the boy to pay the money
where I found Mr Micawber sitting in a corner looking darkly at the Sheriffs
Officer who had effected the capture On his release he embraced me with the
utmost fervour and made an entry of the transaction in his pocketbook being
very particular I recollect about a halfpenny I inadvertently omitted from my
statement of the total
This momentous pocketbook was a timely reminder to him of another
transaction On our return to the room upstairs where he accounted for his
absence by saying that it had been occasioned by circumstances over which he had
no control he took out of it a large sheet of paper folded small and quite
covered with long sums carefully worked From the glimpse I had of them I
should say that I never saw such sums out of a school cipheringbook These it
seemed were calculations of compound interest on what he called the principal
amount of fortyone ten eleven and a half for various periods After a
careful consideration of these and an elaborate estimate of his resources he
had come to the conclusion to select that sum which represented the amount with
compound interest to two years fifteen calendar months and fourteen days from
that date For this he had drawn a noteofhand with great neatness which he
handed over to Traddles on the spot a discharge of his debt in full as between
man and man with many acknowledgments
»I have still a presentiment« said Mrs Micawber pensively shaking her
head »that my family will appear on board before we finally depart«
Mr Micawber evidently had his presentiment on the subject too but he put
it in his tin pot and swallowed it
»If you have any opportunity of sending letters home on your passage Mrs
Micawber« said my aunt »you must let us hear from you you know«
»My dear Miss Trotwood« she replied »I shall only be too happy to think
that any one expects to hear from us I shall not fail to correspond Mr
Copperfield I trust as an old and familiar friend will not object to receive
occasional intelligence himself from one who knew him when the twins were yet
unconscious«
I said that I should hope to hear whenever she had an opportunity of
writing
»Please Heaven there will be many such opportunities« said Mr Micawber
»The ocean in these times is a perfect fleet of ships and we can hardly fail
to encounter many in running over It is merely crossing« said Mr Micawber
trifling with his eyeglass »merely crossing The distance is quite imaginary«
I think now how odd it was but how wonderfully like Mr Micawber that
when he went from London to Canterbury he should have talked as if he were
going to the farthest limits of the earth and when he went from England to
Australia as if he were going for a little trip across the channel
»On the voyage I shall endeavour« said Mr Micawber »occasionally to spin
them a yarn and the melody of my son Wilkins will I trust be acceptable at
the galleyfire When Mrs Micawber has her sealegs on an expression in which
I hope there is no conventional impropriety she will give them I dare say
Little Tafflin Porpoises and dolphins I believe will be frequently observed
athwart our Bows and either on the Starboard or the Larboard Quarter objects
of interest will be continually descried In short« said Mr Micawber with the
old genteel air »the probability is all will be found so exciting alow and
aloft that when the lookout stationed in the maintop cries Landoh we
shall be very considerably astonished«
With that he flourished off the contents of his little tin pot as if he had
made the voyage and had passed a firstclass examination before the highest
naval authorities
»What I chiefly hope my dear Mr Copperfield« said Mrs Micawber »is
that in some branches of our family we may live again in the old country Do not
frown Micawber I do not now refer to my own family but to our childrens
children However vigorous the sapling« said Mrs Micawber shaking her head
»I cannot forget the parenttree and when our race attains to eminence and
fortune I own I should wish that fortune to flow into the coffers of
Britannia«
»My dear« said Mr Micawber »Britannia must take her chance I am bound to
say that she has never done much for me and that I have no particular wish upon
the subject«
»Micawber« returned Mrs Micawber »there you are wrong You are going out
Micawber to this distant clime to strengthen not to weaken the connexion
between yourself and Albion«
»The connexion in question my love« rejoined Mr Micawber »has not laid
me I repeat under that load of personal obligation that I am at all sensitive
as to the formation of another connexion«
»Micawber« returned Mrs Micawber »there I again say you are wrong You
do not know your power Micawber It is that which will strengthen even in this
step you are about to take the connexion between yourself and Albion«
Mr Micawber sat in his elbowchair with his eyebrows raised half
receiving and half repudiating Mrs Micawbers views as they were stated but
very sensible of their foresight
»My dear Mr Copperfield« said Mrs Micawber »I wish Mr Micawber to feel
his position It appears to me highly important that Mr Micawber should from
the hour of his embarkation feel his position Your old knowledge of me my
dear Mr Copperfield will have told you that I have not the sanguine
disposition of Mr Micawber My disposition is if I may say so eminently
practical I know that this is a long voyage I know that it will involve many
privations and inconveniences I cannot shut my eyes to those facts But I also
know what Mr Micawber is I know the latent power of Mr Micawber And
therefore I consider it vitally important that Mr Micawber should feel his
position«
»My love« he observed »perhaps you will allow me to remark that it is
barely possible that I do feel my position at the present moment«
»I think not Micawber« she rejoined »Not fully My dear Mr Copperfield
Mr Micawbers is not a common case Mr Micawber is going to a distant country
expressly in order that he may be fully understood and appreciated for the first
time I wish Mr Micawber to take his stand upon that vessels prow and firmly
say This country I am come to conquer Have you honours Have you riches Have
you posts of profitable pecuniary emolument Let them be brought forward They
are mine«
Mr Micawber glancing at us all seemed to think there was a good deal in
this idea
»I wish Mr Micawber if I make myself understood« said Mrs Micawber in
her argumentative tone »to be the Cæsar of his own fortunes That my dear Mr
Copperfield appears to me to be his true position From the first moment of
this voyage I wish Mr Micawber to stand upon that vessels prow and say
Enough of delay enough of disappointment enough of limited means That was in
the old country This is the new Produce your reparation Bring it forward«
Mr Micawber folded his arms in a resolute manner as if he were then
stationed on the figurehead
»And doing that« said Mrs Micawber » feeling his position am I not
right in saying that Mr Micawber will strengthen and not weaken his connexion
with Britain An important public character arising in that hemisphere shall I
be told that its influence will not be felt at home Can I be so weak as to
imagine that Mr Micawber wielding the rod of talent and of power in Australia
will be nothing in England I am but a woman but I should be unworthy of
myself and of my papa if I were guilty of such absurd weakness«
Mrs Micawbers conviction that her arguments were unanswerable gave a
moral elevation to her tone which I think I had never heard in it before
»And therefore it is« said Mrs Micawber »that I the more wish that at a
future period we may live again on the parent soil Mr Micawber may be I
cannot disguise from myself that the probability is Mr Micawber will be a
page of History and he ought then to be represented in the country which gave
him birth and did not give him employment«
»My love« observed Mr Micawber »it is impossible for me not to be touched
by your affection I am always willing to defer to your good sense What will be
will be Heaven forbid that I should grudge my native country any portion of
the wealth that may be accumulated by our descendants«
»Thats well« said my aunt nodding towards Mr Peggotty »and I drink my
love to you all and every blessing and success attend you«
Mr Peggotty put down the two children he had been nursing one on each
knee to join Mr and Mrs Micawber in drinking to all of us in return and when
he and the Micawbers cordially shook hands as comrades and his brown face
brightened with a smile I felt that he would make his way establish a good
name and be beloved go where he would
Even the children were instructed each to dip a wooden spoon into Mr
Micawbers pot and pledge us in its contents When this was done my aunt and
Agnes rose and parted from the emigrants It was a sorrowful farewell They
were all crying the children hung about Agnes to the last and we left poor
Mrs Micawber in a very distressed condition sobbing and weeping by a dim
candle that must have made the room look from the river like a miserable
lighthouse
I went down again next morning to see that they were away They had
departed in a boat as early as five oclock It was a wonderful instance to me
of the gap such partings make that although my association of them with the
tumbledown publichouse and the wooden stairs dated only from last night both
seemed dreary and deserted now that they were gone
In the afternoon of the next day my old nurse and I went down to Gravesend
We found the ship in the river surrounded by a crowd of boats a favourable
wind blowing the signal for sailing at her mast head I hired a boat directly
and we put off to her and getting through the little vortex of confusion of
which she was the centre went on board
Mr Peggotty was waiting for us on deck He told me that Mr Micawber had
just now been arrested again and for the last time at the suit of Heep and
that in compliance with a request I had made to him he had paid the money
which I repaid him He then took us down between decks and there any lingering
fears I had of his having heard any rumours of what had happened were dispelled
by Mr Micawbers coming out of the gloom taking his arm with an air of
friendship and protection and telling me that they had scarcely been asunder
for a moment since the night before last
It was such a strange scene to me and so confined and dark that at first
I could make out hardly anything but by degrees it cleared as my eyes became
more accustomed to the gloom and I seemed to stand in a picture by OSTADE
Among the great beams bulks and ringbolts of the ship and the
emigrantberths and chests and bundles and barrels and heaps of
miscellaneous baggage lighted up here and there by dangling lanterns and
elsewhere by the yellow daylight straying down a windsail or a hatchway were
crowded groups of people making new friendships taking leave of one another,
talking laughing crying eating and drinking some already settled down into
the possession of their few feet of space, with their little households
arranged and tiny children established on stools or in dwarf elbowchairs
others despairing of a restingplace and wandering disconsolately From babies
who had but a week or two of life behind them to crooked old men and women who
seemed to have but a week or two of life before them and from ploughmen bodily
carrying out soil of England on their boots to smiths taking away samples of
its soot and smoke upon their skins every age and occupation appeared to be
crammed into the narrow compass of the tween decks
As my eye glanced round this place I thought I saw sitting by an open
port with one of the Micawber children near her a figure like Emilys it
first attracted my attention by another figure parting from it with a kiss and
as it glided calmly away through the disorder reminding me of Agnes But in
the rapid motion and confusion and in the unsettlement of my own thoughts I
lost it again and only knew that the time was come when all visitors were being
warned to leave the ship that my nurse was crying on a chest beside me and
that Mrs Gummidge assisted by some younger stooping woman in black was busily
arranging Mr Peggottys goods
»Is there any last wured Masr Davy« said he »Is there any one forgotten
thing afore we parts«
»One thing« said I »Martha«
He touched the younger woman I have mentioned on the shoulder and Martha
stood before me
»Heaven bless you you good man« cried I »You take her with you«
She answered for him with a burst of tears I could speak no more at that
time but I wrung his hand and if ever I have loved and honoured any man I
loved and honoured that man in my soul
The ship was clearing fast of strangers The greatest trial that I had
remained I told him what the noble spirit that was gone had given me in charge
to say at parting It moved him deeply But when he charged me in return with
many messages of affection and regret for those deaf ears he moved me more
The time was come I embraced him took my weeping nurse upon my arm and
hurried away On deck I took leave of poor Mrs Micawber She was looking
distractedly about for her family even then and her last words to me were
that she never would desert Mr Micawber
We went over the side into our boat and lay at a little distance to see the
ship wafted on her course It was then calm radiant sunset She lay between us
and the red light and every taper line and spar was visible against the glow A
sight at once so beautiful so mournful and so hopeful as the glorious ship
lying still on the flushed water with all the life on board her crowded at
the bulwarks and there clustering for a moment bareheaded and silent I
never saw
Silent only for a moment As the sails rose to the wind and the ship began
to move there broke from all the boats three resounding cheers which those on
board took up and echoed back and which were echoed and reechoed My heart
burst out when I heard the sound and beheld the waving of the hats and
handkerchiefs and then I saw her
Then I saw her at her uncles side and trembling on his shoulder He
pointed to us with an eager hand and she saw us and waved her last goodbye to
me Aye Emily beautiful and drooping cling to him with the utmost trust of
thy bruised heart for he has clung to thee with all the might of his great
love
Surrounded by the rosy light and standing high upon the deck apart
together she clinging to him and he holding her they solemnly passed away
The night had fallen on the Kentish hills when we were rowed ashore and fallen
darkly upon me
Chapter LVIII
Absence
It was a long and gloomy night that gathered on me haunted by the ghosts of
many hopes of many dear remembrances many errors many unavailing sorrows and
regrets
I went away from England not knowing even then how great the shock was
that I had to bear I left all who were dear to me and went away and believed
that I had borne it and it was past As a man upon a field of battle will
receive a mortal hurt and scarcely know that he is struck so I when I was
left alone with my undisciplined heart had no conception of the wound with
which it had to strive
The knowledge came upon me not quickly but little by little and grain by
grain The desolate feeling with which I went abroad deepened and widened
hourly At first it was a heavy sense of loss and sorrow wherein I could
distinguish little else By imperceptible degrees it became a hopeless
consciousness of all that I had lost love friendship interest of all that
had been shattered my first trust my first affection the whole airy castle
of my life of all that remained a ruined blank and waste lying wide around
me unbroken to the dark horizon
If my grief were selfish I did not know it to be so I mourned for my
childwife taken from her blooming world so young I mourned for him who might
have won the love and admiration of thousands as he had won mine long ago I
mourned for the broken heart that had found rest in the stormy sea and for the
wandering remnants of the simple home where I had heard the nightwind blowing
when I was a child
From the accumulated sadness into which I fell I had at length no hope of
ever issuing again I roamed from place to place carrying my burden with me
everywhere I felt its whole weight now and I drooped beneath it and I said in
my heart that it could never be lightened
When this despondency was at its worst I believed that I should die
Sometimes I thought that I would like to die at home and actually turned back
on my road that I might get there soon At other times I passed on farther
away from city to city seeking I know not what and trying to leave I know not
what behind
It is not in my power to retrace one by one all the weary phases of
distress of mind through which I passed There are some dreams that can only be
imperfectly and vaguely described and when I oblige myself to look back on this
time of my life I seem to be recalling such a dream I see myself passing on
among the novelties of foreign towns palaces cathedrals temples pictures
castles tombs fantastic streets the old abiding places of History and Fancy
as a dreamer might bearing my painful load through all and hardly conscious
of the objects as they fade before me Listlessness to everything but brooding
sorrow was the night that fell on my undisciplined heart Let me look up from
it as at last I did thank Heaven and from its long sad wretched dream
to dawn
For many months I travelled with this everdarkening cloud upon my mind
Some blind reasons that I had for not returning home reasons then struggling
within me vainly for more distinct expression kept me on my pilgrimage
Sometimes I had proceeded restlessly from place to place stopping nowhere
sometimes I had lingered long in one spot I had had no purpose no sustaining
soul within me anywhere
I was in Switzerland I had come out of Italy over one of the great passes
of the Alps and had since wandered with a guide among the byways of the
mountains If those awful solitudes had spoken to my heart I did not know it I
had found sublimity and wonder in the dread heights and precipices in the
roaring torrents and the wastes of ice and snow but as yet they had taught me
nothing else
I came one evening before sunset down into a valley where I was to rest
In the course of my descent to it by the winding track along the mountainside
from which I saw it shining far below I think some longunwonted sense of
beauty and tranquillity some softening influence awakened by its peace moved
faintly in my breast I remember pausing once with a kind of sorrow that was
not all oppressive not quite despairing I remember almost hoping that some
better change was possible within me
I came into the valley as the evening sun was shining on the remote heights
of snow that closed it in like eternal clouds The bases of the mountains
forming the gorge in which the little village lay were richly green and high
above this gentler vegetation grew forests of dark fir cleaving the wintry
snowdrift wedgelike and stemming the avalanche Above these were range upon
range of craggy steeps grey rock bright ice and smooth verdurespecks of
pasture an gradually blending with the crowning snow Dotted here and there on
the mountains side each tiny dot a home were lonely wooden cottages so
dwarfed by the towering heights that they appeared too small for toys So did
even the clustered village in the valley with its wooden bridge across the
stream where the stream tumbled over broken rocks and roared away among the
trees In the quiet air there was a sound of distant singing shepherd voices
but as one bright evening cloud floated midway along the mountains side I
could almost have believed it came from there and was not earthly music All at
once in this serenity great Nature spoke to me and soothed me to lay down my
weary head upon the grass and weep as I had not wept yet since Dora died
I had found a packet of letters awaiting me but a few minutes before and
had strolled out of the village to read them while my supper was making ready
Other packets had missed me and I had received none for a long time Beyond a
line or two to say that I was well and had arrived at such a place I had not
had fortitude or constancy to write a letter since I left home
The packet was in my hand I opened it and read the writing of Agnes
She was happy and useful was prospering as she had hoped That was all she
told me of herself The rest referred to me
She gave me no advice she urged no duty on me she only told me in her own
fervent manner what her trust in me was She knew she said how such a nature
as mine would turn affliction to good She knew how trial and emotion would
exalt and strengthen it She was sure that in my every purpose I should gain a
firmer and a higher tendency through the grief I had undergone She who so
gloried in my fame and so looked forward to its augmentation well knew that I
would labour on She knew that in me sorrow could not be weakness but must be
strength As the endurance of my childish days had done its part to make me what
I was so greater calamities would nerve me on to be yet better than I was and
so as they had taught me would I teach others She commended me to God who
had taken my innocent darling to His rest and in her sisterly affection
cherished me always and was always at my side go where I would proud of what I
had done but infinitely prouder yet of what I was reserved to do
I put the letter in my breast and thought what had I been an hour ago When
I heard the voices die away and saw the quiet evening cloud grow dim and all
the colours in the valley fade and the golden snow upon the mountain tops
become a remote part of the pale night sky yet felt that the night was passing
from my mind and all its shadows clearing there was no name for the love I
bore her dearer to me henceforward than ever until then
I read her letter many times I wrote to her before I slept I told her
that I had been in sore need of her help that without her I was not and I
never had been what she thought me but that she inspired me to be that and I
would try
I did try In three months more a year would have passed since the
beginning of my sorrow I determined to make no resolutions until the expiration
of those three months but to try I lived in that valley and its
neighbourhood all the time
The three months gone I resolved to remain away from home for some time
longer to settle myself for the present in Switzerland which was growing dear
to me in the remembrance of that evening to resume my pen to work
I resorted humbly whither Agnes had commended me I sought out Nature never
sought in vain and I admitted to my breast the human interest I had lately
shrunk from It was not long before I had almost as many friends in the valley
as in Yarmouth and when I left it before the winter set in for Geneva and
came back in the spring their cordial greetings had a homely sound to me
although they were not conveyed in English words
I worked early and late patiently and hard I wrote a Story with a purpose
growing not remotely out of my experience, and sent it to Traddles and he
arranged for its publication very advantageously for me and the tidings of my
growing reputation began to reach me from travellers whom I encountered by
chance After some rest and change I fell to work in my old ardent way on a
new fancy which took strong possession of me As I advanced in the execution of
this task I felt it more and more and roused my utmost energies to do it well
This was my third work of fiction It was not half written when in an interval
of rest I thought of returning home
For a long time though studying and working patiently I had accustomed
myself to robust exercise My health severely impaired when I left England was
quite restored I had seen much I had been in many countries and I hope I had
improved my store of knowledge.
I have now recalled all that I think it needful to recall here of this term
of absence with one reservation I have made it thus far with no purpose of
suppressing any of my thoughts for as I have elsewhere said this narrative is
my written memory I have desired to keep the most secret current of my mind
apart and to the last I enter on it now
I cannot so completely penetrate the mystery of my own heart as to know
when I began to think that I might have set its earliest and brightest hopes on
Agnes I cannot say at what stage of my grief it first became associated with
the reflection that in my wayward boyhood I had thrown away the treasure of
her love I believe I may have heard some whisper of that distant thought in
the old unhappy loss or want of something never to be realised of which I had
been sensible But the thought came into my mind as a new reproach and new
regret when I was left so sad and lonely in the world
If at that time I had been much with her I should in the weakness of my
desolation have betrayed this It was what I remotely dreaded when I was first
impelled to stay away from England I could not have borne to lose the smallest
portion of her sisterly affection yet in that betrayal I should have set a
constraint between us hitherto unknown
I could not forget that the feeling with which she now regarded me had grown
up in my own free choice and course That if she had ever loved me with another
love and I sometimes thought the time was when she might have done so I had
cast it away It was nothing now that I had accustomed myself to think of her
when we were both mere children as one who was far removed from my wild
fancies I had bestowed my passionate tenderness upon another object and what I
might have done I had not done and what Agnes was to me I and her own noble
heart had made her
In the beginning of the change that gradually worked in me when I tried to
get a better understanding of myself and be a better man I did glance through
some indefinite probation to a period when I might possibly hope to cancel the
mistaken past and to be so blessed as to marry her But as time wore on this
shadowy prospect faded and departed from me If she had ever loved me then I
should hold her the more sacred remembering the confidences I had reposed in
her her knowledge of my errant heart the sacrifice she must have made to be my
friend and sister and the victory she had won If she had never loved me could
I believe that she would love me now
I had always felt my weakness in comparison with her constancy and
fortitude and now I felt it more and more Whatever I might have been to her
or she to me if I had been more worthy of her long ago I was not now and she
was not The time was past I had let it go by and had deservedly lost her
That I suffered much in these contentions that they filled me with
unhappiness and remorse and yet that I had a sustaining sense that it was
required of me in right and honour to keep away from myself with shame the
thought of turning to the dear girl in the withering of my hopes from whom I
had frivolously turned when they were bright and fresh which consideration was
at the root of every thought I had concerning her is all equally true I made
no effort to conceal from myself now that I loved her that I was devoted to
her but I brought the assurance home to myself that it was now too late and
that our longsubsisting relation must be undisturbed
I had thought much and often of my Doras shadowing out to me what might
have happened in those years that were destined not to try us I had considered
how the things that never happen are often as much realities to us in their
effects as those that are accomplished The very years she spoke of were
realities now for my correction and would have been one day a little later
perhaps though we had parted in our earliest folly I endeavoured to convert
what might have been between myself and Agnes into a means of making me more
selfdenying more resolved more conscious of myself and my defects and
errors Thus through the reflection that it might have been I arrived at the
conviction that it could never be
These with their perplexities and inconsistencies were the shifting
quicksands of my mind from the time of my departure to the time of my return
home three years afterwards Three years had elapsed since the sailing of the
emigrant ship when at that same hour of sunset and in the same place I stood
on the deck of the packet vessel that brought me home looking on the rosy water
where I had seen the image of that ship reflected
Three years Long in the aggregate though short as they went by And home
was very dear to me and Agnes too but she was not mine she was never to be
mine She might have been but that was past
Chapter LIX
Return
I landed in London on a wintry autumn evening It was dark and raining and I
saw more fog and mud in a minute than I had seen in a year I walked from the
Custom House to the Monument before I found a coach and although the very
housefronts looking on the swollen gutters were like old friends to me I
could not but admit that they were very dingy friends
I have often remarked I suppose everybody has that ones going away from
a familiar place would seem to be the signal for change in it As I looked out
of the coachwindow and observed that an old house on Fishstreet Hill which
had stood untouched by painter carpenter or bricklayer for a century had
been pulled down in my absence and that a neighbouring street of timehonoured
insalubrity and inconvenience was being drained and widened I half expected to
find St Pauls Cathedral looking older
For some changes in the fortunes of my friends I was prepared My aunt had
long been reestablished at Dover and Traddles had begun to get into some
little practice at the Bar in the very first term after my departure He had
chambers in Grays Inn now and had told me in his last letters that he was
not without hopes of being soon united to the dearest girl in the world
They expected me home before Christmas but had no idea of my returning so
soon I had purposely misled them that I might have the pleasure of taking them
by surprise And yet I was perverse enough to feel a chill and disappointment
in receiving no welcome and rattling alone and silent through the misty
streets
The wellknown shops however with their cheerful lights did something for
me and when I alighted at the door of the Grays Inn Coffeehouse I had
recovered my spirits It recalled at first that sodifferent time when I had
put up at the Golden Cross and reminded me of the changes that had come to pass
since then but that was natural
»Do you know where Mr Traddles lives in the Inn« I asked the waiter as I
warmed myself by the coffeeroom fire
»Holborn Court sir Number two«
»Mr Traddles has a rising reputation among the lawyers I believe« said I
»Well sir« returned the waiter »probably he has sir but I am not aware
of it myself«
This waiter who was middleaged and spare looked for help to a waiter of
more authority a stout potential old man with a doublechin in black
breeches and stockings who came out of a place like a churchwardens pew at
the end of the coffeeroom where he kept company with a cashbox a Directory
a Law-list and other books and papers
»Mr Traddles« said the spare waiter »Number two in the Court«
The potential waiter waved him away and turned gravely to me
»I was inquiring« said I »whether Mr Traddles at number two in the
Court has not a rising reputation among the lawyers«
»Never heard his name« said the waiter in a rich husky voice
I felt quite apologetic for Traddles
»Hes a young man sure« said the portentous waiter fixing his eyes
severely on me »How long has he been in the Inn«
»Not above three years« said I
The waiter who I supposed had lived in his churchwardens pew for forty
years could not pursue such an insignificant subject He asked me what I would
have for dinner
I felt I was in England again and really was quite cast down on Traddless
account There seemed to be no hope for him I meekly ordered a bit of fish and
a steak and stood before the fire musing on his obscurity
As I followed the chief waiter with my eyes I could not help thinking that
the garden in which he had gradually blown to be the flower he was was an
arduous place to rise in It had such a prescriptive stiffnecked
longestablished solemn elderly air I glanced about the room which had had
its sanded floor sanded no doubt in exactly the same manner when the chief
waiter was a boy if he ever was a boy which appeared improbable and at the
shining tables where I saw myself reflected in unruffled depths of old
mahogany and at the lamps without a flaw in their trimming or cleaning and at
the comfortable green curtains with their pure brass rods snugly enclosing the
boxes and at the two large coal fires brightly burning and at the rows of
decanters burly as if with the consciousness of pipes of expensive old port
wine below and both England and the law appeared to me to be very difficult
indeed to be taken by storm I went up to my bedroom to change my wet clothes
and the vast extent of that old wainscotted apartment which was over the
archway leading to the Inn I remember and the sedate immensity of the
fourpost bedstead and the indomitable gravity of the chests of drawers all
seemed to unite in sternly frowning on the fortunes of Traddles or on any such
daring youth I came down again to my dinner and even the slow comfort of the
meal and the orderly silence of the place which was bare of guests the Long
Vacation not yet being over were eloquent on the audacity of Traddles and his
small hopes of a livelihood for twenty years to come
I had seen nothing like this since I went away and it quite dashed my hopes
for my friend The chief waiter had had enough of me He came near me no more
but devoted himself to an old gentleman in long gaiters to meet whom a pint of
special port seemed to come out of the cellar of its own accord for he gave no
order The second waiter informed me in a whisper that this old gentleman was
a retired conveyancer living in the Square and worth a mint of money which it
was expected he would leave to his laundresss daughter likewise that it was
rumoured that he had a service of plate in a bureau all tarnished with lying
by though more than one spoon and a fork had never yet been beheld in his
chambers by mortal vision By this time I quite gave Traddles up for lost and
settled in my own mind that there was no hope for him
Being very anxious to see the dear old fellow nevertheless I despatched my
dinner in a manner not at all calculated to raise me in the opinion of the
chief waiter and hurried out by the back way Number two in the Court was soon
reached and an inscription on the doorpost informing me that Mr Traddles
occupied a set of chambers on the top story I ascended the staircase A crazy
old staircase I found it to be feebly lighted on each landing by a clubheaded
little oil wick dying away in a little dungeon of dirty glass
In the course of my stumbling upstairs I fancied I heard a pleasant sound
of laughter and not the laughter of an attorney or barrister or attorneys
clerk or barristers clerk but of two or three merry girls Happening however
as I stopped to listen to put my foot in a hole where the Honourable Society of
Grays Inn had left a plank deficient I fell down with some noise and when I
recovered my footing all was silent
Groping my way more carefully for the rest of the journey my heart beat
high when I found the outer door which had MR TRADDLES painted on it open I
knocked A considerable scuffling within ensued but nothing else I therefore
knocked again
A small sharplooking lad halffootboy and halfclerk who was very much
out of breath but who looked at me as if he defied me to prove it legally
presented himself
»Is Mr Traddles within« I said
»Yes sir but hes engaged«
»I want to see him«
After a moments survey of me the sharplooking lad decided to let me in
and opening the door wider for that purpose admitted me first into a little
closet of a hall and next into a little sittingroom where I came into the
presence of my old friend also out of breath seated at a table and bending
over papers
»Good God« cried Traddles looking up »Its Copperfield« and rushed into
my arms where I held him tight
»All well my dear Traddles«
»All well my dear dear Copperfield and nothing but good news«
We cried with pleasure both of us
»My dear fellow« said Traddles rumpling his hair in his excitement which
was a most unnecessary operation »my dearest Copperfield my longlost and most
welcome friend how glad I am to see you How brown you are How glad I am Upon
my life and honour I never was so rejoiced my beloved Copperfield never«
I was equally at a loss to express my emotions I was quite unable to speak
at first
»My dear fellow« said Traddles »And grown so famous My glorious
Copperfield Good gracious me when did you come where have you come from what
have you been doing«
Never pausing for an answer to anything he said Traddles who had clapped
me into an easy chair by the fire all this time impetuously stirred the fire
with one hand and pulled at my neckkerchief with the other under some wild
delusion that it was a great coat Without putting down the poker he now hugged
me again and I hugged him and both laughing and both wiping our eyes we
both sat down and shook hands across the hearth
»To think« said Traddles »that you should have been so nearly coming home
as you must have been my dear old boy and not at the ceremony«
»What ceremony my dear Traddles«
»Good gracious me« cried Traddles opening his eyes in his old way »Didnt
you get my last letter«
»Certainly not if it referred to any ceremony«
»Why my dear Copperfield« said Traddles sticking his hair upright with
both hands and then putting his hands on my knees »I am married«
»Married« I cried joyfully
»Lord bless me yes« said Traddles »by the Rev Horace to Sophy down
in Devonshire Why my dear boy shes behind the window curtain Look here«
To my amazement the dearest girl in the world came at that same instant
laughing and blushing from her place of concealment And a more cheerful
amiable honest happy brightlooking bride I believe as I could not help
saying on the spot the world never saw I kissed her as an old acquaintance
should and wished them joy with all my might of heart
»Dear me« said Traddles »what a delightful reunion this is You are so
extremely brown my dear Copperfield God bless my soul how happy I am«
»And so am I« said I
»And I am sure I am« said the blushing and laughing Sophy
»We are all as happy as possible« said Traddles »Even the girls are happy
Dear me I declare I forgot them«
»Forgot« said I
»The girls« said Traddles »Sophys sisters They are staying with us They
have come to have a peep at London The fact is when was it you that tumbled
upstairs Copperfield«
»It was« said I laughing
»Well then when you tumbled upstairs« said Traddles »I was romping with
the girls In point of fact, we were playing at Puss in the Corner But as that
wouldnt do in Westminster Hall and as it wouldnt look quite professional if
they were seen by a client they decamped And they are now listening I have
no doubt« said Traddles glancing at the door of another room
»I am sorry« said I laughing afresh »to have occasioned such a
dispersion«
»Upon my word« rejoined Traddles greatly delighted »if you had seen them
running away and running back again after you had knocked to pick up the
combs they had dropped out of their hair and going on in the maddest manner
you wouldnt have said so My love will you fetch the girls«
Sophy tripped away and we heard her received in the adjoining room with a
peal of laughter
»Really musical isnt it my dear Copperfield« said Traddles »Its very
agreeable to hear It quite lights up these old rooms To an unfortunate
bachelor of a fellow who has lived alone all his life you know its positively
delicious Its charming Poor things they have had a great loss in Sophy
who I do assure you Copperfield is and ever was the dearest girl and it
gratifies me beyond expression to find them in such good spirits The society of
girls is a very delightful thing Copperfield Its not professional but its
very delightful«
Observing that he slightly faltered and comprehending that in the goodness
of his heart he was fearful of giving me some pain by what he had said I
expressed my concurrence with a heartiness that evidently relieved and pleased
him greatly
»But then« said Traddles »our domestic arrangements are to say the truth
quite unprofessional altogether my dear Copperfield Even Sophys being here
is unprofessional And we have no other place of abode We have put to sea in a
cockboat but we are quite prepared to rough it And Sophys an extraordinary
manager Youll be surprised how those girls are stowed away I am sure I hardly
know how its done«
»Are many of the young ladies with you« I inquired
»The eldest the Beauty is here« said Traddles in a low confidential
voice »Caroline And Sarahs here the one I mentioned to you as having
something the matter with her spine you know Immensely better And the two
youngest that Sophy educated are with us And Louisas here«
»Indeed« cried I
»Yes« said Traddles »Now the whole set I mean the chambers is only
three rooms but Sophy arranges for the girls in the most wonderful way and
they sleep as comfortably as possible Three in that room« said Traddles
pointing »Two in that«
I could not help glancing round in search of the accommodation remaining
for Mr and Mrs Traddles Traddles understood me
»Well« said Traddles »we are prepared to rough it as I said just now and
we did improvise a bed last week upon the floor here But theres a little room
in the roof a very nice room when youre up there which Sophy papered
herself to surprise me and thats our room at present Its a capital little
gipsy sort of place Theres quite a view from it«
»And you are happily married at last my dear Traddles« said I »How
rejoiced I am«
»Thank you my dear Copperfield« said Traddles as we shook hands once
more »Yes I am as happy as its possible to be Theres your old friend you
see« said Traddles nodding triumphantly at the flowerpot and stand »and
theres the table with the marble top All the other furniture is plain and
serviceable you perceive And as to plate Lord bless you we havent so much
as a teaspoon«
»All to be earned« said I cheerfully
»Exactly so« replied Traddles »all to be earned Of course we have
something in the shape of teaspoons because we stir our tea But theyre
Britannia metal«
»The silver will be the brighter when it comes« said I
»The very thing we say!« cried Traddles »You see my dear Copperfield«
falling again into the low confidential tone »after I had delivered my argument
in DOE dem JIPES versus WIGZELL which did me great service with the
profession I went down into Devonshire and had some serious conversation in
private with the Reverend Horace I dwelt upon the fact that Sophy who I do
assure you Copperfield is the dearest girl «
»I am certain she is« said I
»She is indeed« rejoined Traddles »But I am afraid I am wandering from
the subject Did I mention the Reverend Horace«
»You said that you dwelt upon the fact «
»True Upon the fact that Sophy and I had been engaged for a long period
and that Sophy with the permission of her parents was more than content to
take me in short« said Traddles with his old frank smile »on our present
Britanniametal footing Very well I then proposed to the Reverend Horace who
is a most excellent clergyman Copperfield and ought to be a Bishop or at
least ought to have enough to live upon without pinching himself that if I
could turn the corner say of two hundred and fifty pounds in one year and
could see my way pretty clearly to that or something better next year and
could plainly furnish a little place like this besides then and in that case
Sophy and I should be united I took the liberty of representing that we had
been patient for a good many years and that the circumstance of Sophys being
extraordinarily useful at home ought not to operate with her affectionate
parents against her establishment in life dont you see«
»Certainly it ought not« said I
»I am glad you think so Copperfield« rejoined Traddles »because without
any imputation on the Reverend Horace I do think parents and brothers and so
forth are sometimes rather selfish in such cases Well I also pointed out
that my most earnest desire was to be useful to the family and that if I got
on in the world and anything should happen to him I refer to the Reverend
Horace «
»I understand« said I
» Or to Mrs Crewler it would be the utmost gratification of my wishes
to be a parent to the girls He replied in a most admirable manner exceedingly
flattering to my feelings and undertook to obtain the consent of Mrs Crewler
to this arrangement They had a dreadful time of it with her It mounted from
her legs into her chest and then into her head «
»What mounted« I asked
»Her grief« replied Traddles with a serious look »Her feelings generally
As I mentioned on a former occasion she is a very superior woman but has lost
the use of her limbs Whatever occurs to harass her usually settles in her
legs but on this occasion it mounted to the chest and then to the head and
in short pervaded the whole system in a most alarming manner However they
brought her through it by unremitting and affectionate attention and we were
married yesterday six weeks You have no idea what a Monster I felt
Copperfield when I saw the whole family crying and fainting away in every
direction Mrs Crewler couldnt see me before we left couldnt forgive me
then for depriving her of her child but she is a good creature and has done
so since I had a delightful letter from her only this morning«
»And in short my dear friend« said I »you feel as blest as you deserve to
feel«
»Oh Thats your partiality« laughed Traddles »But indeed I am in a most
enviable state I work hard and read Law insatiably I get up at five every
morning and dont mind it at all I hide the girls in the daytime and make
merry with them in the evening And I assure you I am quite sorry that they are
going home on Tuesday which is the day before the first day of Michaelmas Term
But here« said Traddles breaking off in his confidence and speaking aloud »
are the girls Mr Copperfield Miss Crewler Miss Sarah Miss Louisa
Margaret and Lucy«
They were a perfect nest of roses they looked so wholesome and fresh They
were all pretty and Miss Caroline was very handsome but there was a loving
cheerful fireside quality in Sophys bright looks which was better than that
and which assured me that my friend had chosen well We all sat round the fire
while the sharp boy who I now divined had lost his breath in putting the papers
out cleared them away again and produced the teathings After that he
retired for the night shutting the outer door upon us with a bang Mrs
Traddles with perfect pleasure and composure beaming from her household eyes
having made the tea then quietly made the toast as she sat in a corner by the
fire
She had seen Agnes she told me while she was toasting Tom had taken her
down into Kent for a wedding trip and there she had seen my aunt too and both
my aunt and Agnes were well and they had all talked of nothing but me Tom had
never had me out of his thoughts she really believed all the time I had been
away Tom was the authority for everything Tom was evidently the idol of her
life never to be shaken on his pedestal by any commotion always to be believed
in and done homage to with the whole faith of her heart come what might
The deference which both she and Traddles showed towards the Beauty pleased
me very much I dont know that I thought it very reasonable but I thought it
very delightful and essentially a part of their character If Traddles ever for
an instant missed the teaspoons that were still to be won I have no doubt it
was when he handed the Beauty her tea If his sweettempered wife could have got
up any self against any one I am satisfied it could only have been because she
was the Beautys sister A few slight indications of a rather petted and
capricious manner which I observed in the Beauty were manifestly considered
by Traddles and his wife as her birthright and natural endowment If she had
been born a Queen Bee and they labouring Bees they could not have been more
satisfied of that
But their selfforgetfulness charmed me Their pride in these girls and
their submission of themselves to all their whims was the pleasantest little
testimony to their own worth I could have desired to see If Traddles were
addressed as a darling once in the course of that evening and besought to
bring something here or carry something there or take something up or put
something down or find something or fetch something he was so addressed by
one or other of his sistersinlaw at least twelve times in an hour Neither
could they do anything without Sophy Somebodys hair fell down and nobody but
Sophy could put it up Somebody forgot how a particular tune went and nobody
but Sophy could hum that tune right Somebody wanted to recall the name of a
place in Devonshire and only Sophy knew it Something was wanted to be written
home and Sophy alone could be trusted to write before breakfast in the morning
Somebody broke down in a piece of knitting and no one but Sophy was able to put
the defaulter in the right direction They were entire mistresses of the place
and Sophy and Traddles waited on them How many children Sophy could have taken
care of in her time I cant imagine but she seemed to be famous for knowing
every sort of song that ever was addressed to a child in the English tongue and
she sang dozens to order with the clearest little voice in the world one after
another every sister issuing directions for a different tune and the Beauty
generally striking in last so that I was quite fascinated The best of all
was that in the midst of their exactions all the sisters had a great
tenderness and respect both for Sophy and Traddles I am sure when I took my
leave and Traddles was coming out to walk with me to the coffeehouse I
thought I had never seen an obstinate head of hair or any other head of hair
rolling about in such a shower of kisses
Altogether it was a scene I could not help dwelling on with pleasure for a
long time after I got back and had wished Traddles good night If I had beheld a
thousand roses blowing in a top set of chambers in that withered Grays Inn
they could not have brightened it half so much The idea of those Devonshire
girls among the dry lawstationers and the attorneys offices and of the tea
and toast and childrens songs in that grim atmosphere of pounce and
parchment redtape dusty wafers inkjars brief and draft paper law reports
writs declarations and bills of costs seemed almost as pleasantly fanciful as
if I had dreamed that the Sultans famous family had been admitted on the roll
of attorneys and had brought the talking bird the singing tree and the golden
water into Grays Inn Hall Somehow I found that I had taken leave of Traddles
for the night and come back to the coffeehouse with a great change in my
despondency about him I began to think he would get on in spite of all the
many orders of chief waiters in England
Drawing a chair before one of the coffeeroom fires to think about him at my
leisure I gradually fell from the consideration of his happiness to tracing
prospects in the livecoals and to thinking as they broke and changed of the
principal vicissitudes and separations that had marked my life I had not seen a
coal fire since I had left England three years ago though many a wood fire had
I watched as it crumbled into hoary ashes and mingled with the feathery heap
upon the hearth which not inaptly figured to me in my despondency my own dead
hopes
I could think of the past now gravely but not bitterly and could
contemplate the future in a brave spirit Home in its best sense was for me no
more She in whom I might have inspired a dearer love I had taught to be my
sister She would marry and would have new claimants on her tenderness and in
doing it would never know the love for her that had grown up in my heart It
was right that I should pay the forfeit of my headlong passion What I reaped I
had sown
I was thinking And had I truly disciplined my heart to this and could I
resolutely bear it and calmly hold the place in her home which she had calmly
held in mine when I found my eyes resting on a countenance that might have
arisen out of the fire in its association with my early remembrances
Little Mr Chillip the Doctor to whose good offices I was indebted in the
very first chapter of this history sat reading a newspaper in the shadow of an
opposite corner He was tolerably stricken in years by this time but being a
mild meek calm little man had worn so easily that I thought he looked at
that moment just as he might have looked when he sat in our parlour waiting for
me to be born
Mr Chillip had left Blunderstone six or seven years ago and I had never
seen him since He sat placidly perusing the newspaper with his little head on
one side and a glass of warm sherry negus at his elbow He was so extremely
conciliatory in his manner that he seemed to apologise to the very newspaper for
taking the liberty of reading it
I walked up to where he was sitting and said »How do you do Mr Chillip«
He was greatly fluttered by this unexpected address from a stranger and
replied in his slow way »I thank you sir you are very good Thank you sir
I hope you are well«
»You dont remember me« said I
»Well sir« returned Mr Chillip smiling very meekly and shaking his head
as he surveyed me »I have a kind of an impression that something in your
countenance is familiar to me sir but I couldnt lay my hand upon your name
really«
»And yet you knew it long before I knew it myself« I returned
»Did I indeed sir« said Mr Chillip »Is it possible that I had the
honour sir of officiating when «
»Yes« said I
»Dear me« cried Mr Chillip »But no doubt you are a good deal changed
since then sir«
»Probably« said I
»Well sir« observed Mr Chillip »I hope youll excuse me if I am
compelled to ask the favour of your name«
On my telling him my name he was really moved He quite shook hands with me
which was a violent proceeding for him his usual course being to slide a
tepid little fishslice an inch or two in advance of his hip and evince the
greatest discomposure when anybody grappled with it Even now he put his hand
in his coat pocket as soon as he could disengage it and seemed relieved when he
had got it safe back
»Dear me sir« said Mr Chillip surveying me with his head on one side
»And its Mr Copperfield is it Well sir I think I should have known you if
I had taken the liberty of looking more closely at you Theres a strong
resemblance between you and your poor father sir«
»I never had the happiness of seeing my father« I observed
»Very true sir« said Mr Chillip in a soothing tone »And very much to be
deplored it was on all accounts We are not ignorant sir« said Mr Chillip
slowly shaking his little head again »down in our part of the country of your
fame There must be great excitement here sir« said Mr Chillip tapping
himself on the forehead with his forefinger »You must find it a trying
occupation sir«
»What is your part of the country now« I asked seating myself near him
»I am established within a few miles of Bury St Edmunds sir« said Mr
Chillip »Mrs Chillip coming into a little property in that neighbourhood
under her fathers will I bought a practice down there in which you will be
glad to hear I am doing well My daughter is growing quite a tall lass now
sir« said Mr Chillip giving his little head another little shake »Her mother
let down two tucks in her frocks only last week Such is time you see sir«
As the little man put his now empty glass to his lips when he made this
reflection I proposed to him to have it refilled and I would keep him company
with another »Well sir« he returned in his slow way »its more than I am
accustomed to but I cant deny myself the pleasure of your conversation It
seems but yesterday that I had the honour of attending you in the measles You
came through them charmingly sir«
I acknowledged this compliment and ordered the negus which was soon
produced »Quite an uncommon dissipation« said Mr Chillip stirring it »but I
cant resist so extraordinary an occasion You have no family sir«
I shook my head
»I was aware that you sustained a bereavement sir some time ago« said Mr
Chillip »I heard it from your fatherinlaws sister Very decided character
there sir«
»Why yes« said I »decided enough Where did you see her Mr Chillip«
»Are you not aware sir« returned Mr Chillip with his placidest smile
»that your fatherinlaw is again a neighbour of mine«
»No« said I
»He is indeed sir« said Mr Chillip »Married a young lady of that part
with a very good little property poor thing And this action of the brain
now sir Dont you find it fatigue you« said Mr Chillip looking at me like
an admiring Robin
I waived that question and returned to the Murdstones »I was aware of his
being married again Do you attend the family« I asked
»Not regularly I have been called in« he replied »Strong phrenological
development of the organ of firmness in Mr Murdstone and his sister sir«
I replied with such an expressive look that Mr Chillip was emboldened by
that and the negus together to give his head several short shakes and
thoughtfully exclaim »Ah dear me We remember old times Mr Copperfield«
»And the brother and sister are pursuing their old course are they« said
I
»Well sir« replied Mr Chillip »a medical man being so much in families
ought to have neither eyes nor ears for anything but his profession Still I
must say they are very severe sir both as to this life and the next«
»The next will be regulated without much reference to them I dare say« I
returned »what are they doing as to this«
Mr Chillip shook his head stirred his negus and sipped it
»She was a charming woman sir« he observed in a plaintive manner
»The present Mrs Murdstone«
»A charming woman indeed sir« said Mr Chillip »as amiable I am sure as
it was possible to be Mrs Chillips opinion is that her spirit has been
entirely broken since her marriage and that she is all but melancholy mad And
the ladies« observed Mr Chillip timorously »are great observers sir«
»I suppose she was to be subdued and broken to their detestable mould
Heaven help her« said I »And she has been«
»Well sir there were violent quarrels at first I assure you« said Mr
Chillip »but she is quite a shadow now Would it be considered forward if I was
to say to you sir in confidence that since the sister came to help the
brother and sister between them have nearly reduced her to a state of
imbecility«
I told him I could easily believe it
»I have no hesitation in saying« said Mr Chillip fortifying himself with
another sip of negus »between you and me sir that her mother died of it or
that tyranny gloom and worry have made Mrs Murdstone nearly imbecile She was
a lively young woman sir before marriage and their gloom and austerity
destroyed her They go about with her now more like her keepers than her
husband and sisterinlaw That was Mrs Chillips remark to me only last week
And I assure you sir the ladies are great observers Mrs Chillip herself is a
great observer«
»Does he gloomily profess to be I am ashamed to use the word in such
association religious still« I inquired
»You anticipate sir« said Mr Chillip his eyelids getting quite red with
the unwonted stimulus in which he was indulging »One of Mrs Chillips most
impressive remarks Mrs Chillip« he proceeded in the calmest and slowest
manner »quite electrified me by pointing out that Mr Murdstone sets up an
image of himself and calls it the Divine Nature You might have knocked me down
on the flat of my back sir with the feather of a pen I assure you when Mrs
Chillip said so The ladies are great observers sir«
»Intuitively« said I to his extreme delight
»I am very happy to receive such support in my opinion sir« he rejoined
»It is not often that I venture to give a nonmedical opinion I assure you Mr
Murdstone delivers public addresses sometimes and it is said in short sir
it is said by Mrs Chillip that the darker tyrant he has lately been the
more ferocious is his doctrine«
»I believe Mrs Chillip to be perfectly right« said I
»Mrs Chillip does go so far as to say« pursued the meekest of little men
much encouraged »that what such people miscall their religion is a vent for
their bad humours and arrogance And do you know I must say sir« he continued
mildly laying his head on one side »that I dont find authority for Mr and
Miss Murdstone in the New Testament«
»I never found it either« said I
»In the meantime sir« said Mr Chillip »they are much disliked and as
they are very free in consigning everybody who dislikes them to perdition we
really have a good deal of perdition going on in our neighbourhood However as
Mrs Chillip says sir they undergo a continual punishment for they are turned
inward to feed upon their own hearts and their own hearts are very bad
feeding Now sir about that brain of yours if youll excuse my returning to
it Dont you expose it to a good deal of excitement sir«
I found it not difficult in the excitement of Mr Chillips own brain
under his potations of negus to divert his attention from this topic to his own
affairs on which for the next halfhour he was quite loquacious giving me to
understand among other pieces of information that he was then at the Grays
Inn Coffeehouse to lay his professional evidence before a Commission of Lunacy
touching the state of mind of a patient who had become deranged from excessive
drinking
»And I assure you sir« he said »I am extremely nervous on such occasions
I could not support being what is called Bullied sir It would quite unman me
Do you know it was some time before I recovered the conduct of that alarming
lady on the night of your birth Mr Copperfield«
I told him that I was going down to my aunt the Dragon of that night early
in the morning and that she was one of the most tenderhearted and excellent of
women as he would know full well if he knew her better The mere notion of the
possibility of his ever seeing her again appeared to terrify him He replied
with a small pale smile »Is she so indeed sir Really« and almost
immediately called for a candle and went to bed as if he were not quite safe
anywhere else He did not actually stagger under the negus but I should think
his placid little pulse must have made two or three more beats in a minute than
it had done since the great night of my aunts disappointment when she struck
at him with her bonnet
Thoroughly tired I went to bed too at midnight passed the next day on the
Dover coach burst safe and sound into my aunts old parlour while she was at
tea she wore spectacles now and was received by her and Mr Dick and dear
old Peggotty who acted as housekeeper with open arms and tears of joy My aunt
was mightily amused when we began to talk composedly by my account of my
meeting with Mr Chillip and of his holding her in such dread remembrance and
both she and Peggotty had a great deal to say about my poor mothers second
husband and »that murdering woman of a sister« on whom I think no pain or
penalty would have induced my aunt to bestow any Christian or Proper Name or
any other designation
Chapter LX
Agnes
My aunt and I when we were left alone talked far into the night How the
emigrants never wrote home otherwise than cheerfully and hopefully how Mr
Micawber had actually remitted divers small sums of money on account of those
pecuniary liabilities in reference to which he had been so businesslike as
between man and man how Janet returning into my aunts service when she came
back to Dover had finally carried out her renunciation of mankind by entering
into wedlock with a thriving tavernkeeper and how my aunt had finally set her
seal on the same great principle by aiding and abetting the bride and crowning
the marriageceremony with her presence were among our topics already more or
less familiar to me through the letters I had had Mr Dick as usual was not
forgotten My aunt informed me how he incessantly occupied himself in copying
everything he could lay his hands on and kept King Charles the First at a
respectful distance by that semblance of employment how it was one of the main
joys and rewards of her life that he was free and happy instead of pining in
monotonous restraint and how as a novel general conclusion nobody but she
could ever fully know what he was
»And when Trot« said my aunt patting the back of my hand as we sat in
our old way before the fire »when are you going over to Canterbury«
»I shall get a horse and ride over tomorrow morning aunt unless you will
go with me«
»No« said my aunt in her short abrupt way »I mean to stay where I am«
Then I should ride I said I could not have come through Canterbury today
without stopping if I had been coming to any one but her
She was pleased but answered »Tut Trot my old bones would have kept till
tomorrow« and softly patted my hand again as I sat looking thoughtfully at
the fire
Thoughtfully for I could not be here once more and so near Agnes without
the revival of those regrets with which I had so long been occupied Softened
regrets they might be teaching me what I had failed to learn when my younger
life was all before me but not the less regrets »Oh Trot« I seemed to hear
my aunt say once more and I understood her better now »Blind blind blind«
We both kept silence for some minutes When I raised my eyes I found that
she was steadily observant of me Perhaps she had followed the current of my
mind for it seemed to me an easy one to track now wilful as it had been once
»You will find her father a whitehaired old man« said my aunt »though a
better man in all other respects a reclaimed man Neither will you find him
measuring all human interests and joys and sorrows with his one poor little
inchrule now Trust me child such things must shrink very much before they
can be measured off in that way«
»Indeed they must« said I
»You will find her« pursued my aunt »as good as beautiful as earnest as
disinterested as she has always been If I knew higher praise Trot I would
bestow it on her«
There was no higher praise for her no higher reproach for me Oh how had I
strayed so far away
»If she trains the young girls whom she has about her to be like herself«
said my aunt earnest even to the filling of her eyes with tears »Heaven knows
her life will be well employed Useful and happy as she said that day How
could she be otherwise than useful and happy«
»Has Agnes any « I was thinking aloud rather than speaking
»Well Hey Any what« said my aunt sharply
»Any lover« said I
»A score« cried my aunt with a kind of indignant pride »She might have
married twenty times my dear since you have been gone«
»No doubt« said I »No doubt But has she any lover who is worthy of her
Agnes could care for no other«
My aunt sat musing for a little while with her chin upon her hand Slowly
raising her eyes to mine she said
»I suspect she has an attachment Trot«
»A prosperous one« said I
»Trot« returned my aunt gravely »I cant say I have no right to tell you
even so much She has never confided it to me but I suspect it«
She looked so attentively and anxiously at me I even saw her tremble that
I felt now more than ever that she had followed my late thoughts I summoned
all the resolutions I had made in all those many days and nights and all those
many conflicts of my heart
»If it should be so« I began »and I hope it is «
»I dont know that it is« said my aunt curtly »You must not be ruled by my
suspicions You must keep them secret They are very slight perhaps I have no
right to speak«
»If it should be so« I repeated »Agnes will tell me at her own good time
A sister to whom I have confided so much aunt will not be reluctant to confide
in me«
My aunt withdrew her eyes from mine as slowly as she had turned them upon
me and covered them thoughtfully with her hand By and by she put her other
hand on my shoulder and so we both sat looking into the past without saying
another word until we parted for the night
I rode away early in the morning for the scene of my old school days I
cannot say that I was yet quite happy in the hope that I was gaining a victory
over myself even in the prospect of so soon looking on her face again
The wellremembered ground was soon traversed and I came into the quiet
streets where every stone was a boys book to me I went on foot to the old
house and went away with a heart too full to enter I returned and looking as
I passed through the low window of the turretroom where first Uriah Heep and
afterwards Mr Micawber had been wont to sit saw that it was a little parlour
now and that there was no office Otherwise the staid old house was as to its
cleanliness and order still just as it had been when I first saw it I
requested the new maid who admitted me to tell Miss Wickfield that a gentleman
who waited on her from a friend abroad was there and I was shown up the grave
old staircase cautioned of the steps I knew so well into the unchanged
drawingroom The books that Agnes and I had read together were on their
shelves and the desk where I had laboured at my lessons many a night stood
yet at the same old corner of the table All the little changes that had crept
in when the Heeps were there were changed again Everything was as it used to
be in the happy time
I stood in a window and looked across the ancient street at the opposite
houses recalling how I had watched them on wet afternoons when I first came
there and how I had used to speculate about the people who appeared at any of
the windows and had followed them with my eyes up and down stairs while women
went clicking along the pavement in pattens and the dull rain fell in slanting
lines and poured out of the waterspout yonder and flowed into the road The
feeling with which I used to watch the tramps as they came into the town on
those wet evenings at dusk and limped past with their bundles drooping over
their shoulders at the ends of sticks came freshly back to me fraught as
then with the smell of damp earth and wet leaves and briar and the sensation
of the very airs that blew upon me in my own toilsome journey
The opening of the little door in the panelled wall made me start and turn
Her beautiful serene eyes met mine as she came towards me She stopped and laid
her hand upon her bosom and I caught her in my arms
»Agnes my dear girl I have come too suddenly upon you«
»No no I am so rejoiced to see you Trotwood«
»Dear Agnes the happiness it is to me to see you once again«
I folded her to my heart and for a little while we were both silent
Presently we sat down side by side and her angelface was turned upon me with
the welcome I had dreamed of waking and sleeping for whole years
She was so true she was so beautiful she was so good I owed her so much
gratitude she was so dear to me that I could find no utterance for what I
felt I tried to bless her tried to thank her tried to tell her as I had
often done in letters what an influence she had upon me but all my efforts
were in vain My love and joy were dumb
With her own sweet tranquillity she calmed my agitation led me back to the
time of our parting spoke to me of Emily whom she had visited in secret many
times spoke to me tenderly of Doras grave With the unerring instinct of her
noble heart she touched the chords of my memory so softly and harmoniously
that not one jarred within me I could listen to the sorrowful distant music
and desire to shrink from nothing it awoke How could I when blended with it
all was her dear self the better angel of my life
»And you Agnes« I said by and by »Tell me of yourself You have hardly
ever told me of your own life in all this lapse of time«
»What should I tell« she answered with her radiant smile »Papa is well
You see us here quiet in our own home our anxieties set at rest our home
restored to us and knowing that dear Trotwood you know all«
»All Agnes« said I
She looked at me with some fluttering wonder in her face
»Is there nothing else Sister« I said
Her colour which had just now faded returned and faded again She smiled
with a quiet sadness I thought and shook her head
I had sought to lead her to what my aunt had hinted at for sharply painful
to me as it must be to receive that confidence I was to discipline my heart
and do my duty to her I saw however that she was uneasy and I let it pass
»You have much to do dear Agnes«
»With my school« said she looking up again in all her bright composure
»Yes It is laborious is it not«
»The labour is so pleasant« she returned »that it is scarcely grateful in
me to call it by that name«
»Nothing good is difficult to you« said I
Her colour came and went once more and once more as she bent her head I
saw the same sad smile
»You will wait and see papa« said Agnes cheerfully »and pass the day with
us Perhaps you will sleep in your own room We always call it yours«
I could not do that having promised to ride back to my aunts at night
but I would pass the day there joyfully
»I must be a prisoner for a little while« said Agnes »but here are the old
books Trotwood and the old music«
»Even the old flowers are here« said I looking round »or the old kinds«
»I have found a pleasure« returned Agnes smiling »while you have been
absent in keeping everything as it used to be when we were children For we
were very happy then I think«
»Heaven knows we were« said I
»And every little thing that has reminded me of my brother« said Agnes
with her cordial eyes turned cheerfully upon me »has been a welcome companion
Even this« showing me the baskettrifle full of keys still hanging at her
side »seems to jingle a kind of old tune«
She smiled again and went out at the door by which she had come
It was for me to guard this sisterly affection with religious care It was
all that I had left myself and it was a treasure If I once shook the
foundations of the sacred confidence and usage in virtue of which it was given
to me it was lost and could never be recovered I set this steadily before
myself The better I loved her the more it behoved me never to forget it
I walked through the streets and once more seeing my old adversary the
butcher now a constable with his staff hanging up in the shop went down to
look at the place where I had fought him and there meditated on Miss Shepherd
and the eldest Miss Larkins and all the idle loves and likings and dislikings
of that time Nothing seemed to have survived that time but Agnes and she ever
a star above me was brighter and higher
When I returned Mr Wickfield had come home from a garden he had a couple
of miles or so out of town where he now employed himself almost every day I
found him as my aunt had described him We sat down to dinner with some
halfdozen little girls and he seemed but the shadow of his handsome picture on
the wall
The tranquillity and peace belonging of old to that quiet ground in my
memory pervaded it again When dinner was done Mr Wickfield taking no wine
and I desiring none we went upstairs where Agnes and her little charges sang
and played and worked After tea the children left us and we three sat
together talking of the bygone days
»My part in them« said Mr Wickfield shaking his white head »has much
matter for regret for deep regret and deep contrition Trotwood you well
know But I would not cancel it if it were in my power«
I could readily believe that looking at the face beside him
»I should cancel with it« he pursued »such patience and devotion such
fidelity such a childs love as I must not forget no even to forget myself«
»I understand you sir« I softly said »I hold it I have always held it
in veneration«
»But no one knows not even you« he returned »how much she has done how
much she has undergone how hard she has striven Dear Agnes«
She had put her hand entreatingly on his arm to stop him and was very
very pale
»Well well« he said with a sigh dismissing as I then saw some trial she
had borne or was yet to bear in connexion with what my aunt had told me
»Well I have never told you Trotwood of her mother Has any one«
»Never sir«
»Its not much though it was much to suffer She married me in opposition
to her fathers wish and he renounced her She prayed him to forgive her
before my Agnes came into this world He was a very hard man and her mother had
long been dead He repulsed her He broke her heart«
Agnes leaned upon his shoulder and stole her arm about his neck
»She had an affectionate and gentle heart« he said »and it was broken I
knew its tender nature very well No one could if I did not She loved me
dearly but was never happy She was always labouring in secret under this
distress and being delicate and downcast at the time of his last repulse for
it was not the first by many pined away and died She left me Agnes two
weeks old and the grey hair that you recollect me with when you first came«
He kissed Agnes on her cheek
»My love for my dear child was a diseased love but my mind was all
unhealthy then I say no more of that I am not speaking of myself Trotwood
but of her mother and of her If I give you any clue to what I am or to what I
have been you will unravel it I know What Agnes is I need not say I have
always read something of her poor mothers story in her character and so I
tell it you tonight when we three are again together after such great
changes I have told it all«
His bowed head and her angelface and filial duty derived a more pathetic
meaning from it than they had had before If I had wanted anything by which to
mark this night of our reunion I should have found it in this
Agnes rose up from her fathers side before long and going softly to her
piano played some of the old airs to which we had often listened in that place
»Have you any intention of going away again« Agnes asked me as I was
standing by
»What does my sister say to that«
»I hope not«
»Then I have no such intention Agnes«
»I think you ought not Trotwood since you ask me« she said mildly »Your
growing reputation and success enlarge your power of doing good and if I could
spare my brother« with her eyes upon me »perhaps the time could not«
»What I am you have made me Agnes You should know best«
»I made you Trotwood«
»Yes Agnes my dear girl« I said bending over her »I tried to tell you
when we met today something that has been in my thoughts since Dora died You
remember when you came down to me in our little room pointing upward Agnes«
»Oh Trotwood« she returned her eyes filled with tears »So loving so
confiding and so young Can I ever forget«
»As you were then my sister I have often thought since you have ever been
to me Ever pointing upward Agnes ever leading me to something better ever
directing me to higher things«
She only shook her head through her tears I saw the same sad quiet smile
»And I am so grateful to you for it Agnes so bound to you that there is
no name for the affection of my heart I want you to know yet dont know how to
tell you that all my life long I shall look up to you and be guided by you as
I have been through the darkness that is past Whatever betides whatever new
ties you may form whatever changes may come between us I shall always look to
you and love you as I do now and have always done You will always be my
solace and resource as you have always been Until I die my dearest sister I
shall see you always before me pointing upward«
She put her hand in mine and told me she was proud of me and of what I
said although I praised her very far beyond her worth Then she went on softly
playing but without removing her eyes from me
»Do you know what I have heard tonight Agnes« said I »strangely seems
to be a part of the feeling with which I regarded you when I saw you first
with which I sat beside you in my rough school days«
»You knew I had no mother« she replied with a smile »and felt kindly
towards me«
»More than that Agnes I knew almost as if I had known this story that
there was something inexplicably gentle and softened surrounding you something
that might have been sorrowful in some one else as I can now understand it
was but was not so in you«
She softly played on looking at me still
»Will you laugh at my cherishing such fancies Agnes«
»No«
»Or at my saying that I really believe I felt even then that you could be
faithfully affectionate against all discouragement and never cease to be so
until you ceased to live Will you laugh at such a dream«
»Oh no Oh no«
For an instant a distressful shadow crossed her face but even in the
start it gave me it was gone and she was playing on and looking at me with
her own calm smile
As I rode back in the lonely night the wind going by me like a restless
memory I thought of this and feared she was not happy I was not happy but
thus far I had faithfully set the seal upon the Past and thinking of her
pointing upward thought of her as pointing to that sky above me where in the
mystery to come I might yet love her with a love unknown on earth and tell her
what the strife had been within me when I loved her here
Chapter LXI
I Am Shown Two Interesting Penitents
For a time at all events until my book should be completed which would be the
work of several months I took up my abode in my aunts house at Dover and
there sitting in the window from which I had looked out at the moon upon the
sea when that roof first gave me shelter I quietly pursued my task
In pursuance of my intention of referring to my own fictions only when their
course should incidentally connect itself with the progress of my story I do
not enter on the aspirations the delights anxieties and triumphs of my art
That I truly devoted myself to it with my strongest earnestness and bestowed
upon it every energy of my soul I have already said If the books I have
written be of any worth they will supply the rest I shall otherwise have
written to poor purpose and the rest will be of interest to no one
Occasionally I went to London to lose myself in the swarm of life there or
to consult with Traddles on some business point He had managed for me in my
absence with the soundest judgment and my worldly affairs were prospering As
my notoriety began to bring upon me an enormous quantity of letters from people
of whom I had no knowledge chiefly about nothing and extremely difficult to
answer I agreed with Traddles to have my name painted up on his door There
the devoted postman on that beat delivered bushels of letters for me and there
at intervals I laboured through them like a Home Secretary of State without
the salary
Among this correspondence there dropped in every now and then an obliging
proposal from one of the numerous outsiders always lurking about the Commons to
practise under cover of my name if I would take the necessary steps remaining
to make a proctor of myself and pay me a percentage on the profits But I
declined these offers being already aware that there were plenty of such covert
practitioners in existence, and considering the Commons quite bad enough
without my doing anything to make it worse
The girls had gone home when my name burst into bloom on Traddless door
and the sharp boy looked all day as if he had never heard of Sophy shut up in
a back room glancing down from her work into a sooty little strip of garden
with a pump in it But there I always found her the same bright housewife
often humming her Devonshire ballads when no strange foot was coming up the
stairs and blunting the sharp boy in his official closet with melody
I wondered at first why I so often found Sophy writing in a copybook and
why she always shut it up when I appeared and hurried it into the tabledrawer
But the secret soon came out One day Traddles who had just come home through
the drizzling sleet from Court took a paper out of his desk and asked me what
I thought of that handwriting
»Oh dont Tom« cried Sophy who was warming his slippers before the fire
»My dear« returned Tom in a delighted state »why not What do you say to
that writing Copperfield«
»Its extraordinarily legal and formal« said I »I dont think I ever saw
such a stiff hand«
»Not like a ladys hand is it« said Traddles
»A ladys« I repeated »Bricks and mortar are more like a ladys hand«
Traddles broke into a rapturous laugh and informed me that it was Sophys
writing that Sophy had vowed and declared he would need a copyingclerk soon
and she would be that clerk that she had acquired this hand from a pattern and
that she could throw off I forget how many folios an hour Sophy was very much
confused by my being told all this and said that when Tom was made a judge he
wouldnt be so ready to proclaim it Which Tom denied averring that he should
always be equally proud of it under all circumstances
»What a thoroughly good and charming wife she is my dear Traddles« said I
when she had gone away laughing
»My dear Copperfield« returned Traddles »she is without any exception
the dearest girl The way she manages this place her punctuality domestic
knowledge economy and order her cheerfulness Copperfield«
»Indeed you have reason to commend her« I returned »You are a happy
fellow I believe you make yourselves and each other two of the happiest
people in the world«
»I am sure we are two of the happiest people« returned Traddles »I admit
that at all events Bless my soul when I see her getting up by candlelight on
these dark mornings busying herself in the days arrangements going out to
market before the clerks come into the Inn caring for no weather devising the
most capital little dinners out of the plainest materials making puddings and
pies keeping everything in its right place always so neat and ornamental
herself sitting up at night with me if its ever so late sweettempered and
encouraging always and all for me I positively sometimes cant believe it
Copperfield«
He was tender of the very slippers she had been warming as he put them on
and stretched his feet enjoyingly upon the fender
»I positively sometimes cant believe it« said Traddles »Then our
pleasures Dear me they are inexpensive but they are quite wonderful When we
are at home here of an evening and shut the outer door and draw those curtains
which she made where could we be more snug When its fine and we go out
for a walk in the evening the streets abound in enjoyment for us We look into
the glittering windows of the jewellers shops and I show Sophy which of the
diamondeyed serpents coiled up on white satin rising grounds I would give her
if I could afford it and Sophy shows me which of the gold watches that are
capped and jewelled and engineturned and possessed of the horizontal
leverescapemovement and all sorts of things she would buy for me if she
could afford it and we pick out the spoons and forks fishslices
butterknives and sugartongs we should both prefer if we could both afford
it and really we go away as if we had got them Then when we stroll into the
squares and great streets and see a house to let sometimes we look up at it
and say how would that do if I was made a judge And we parcel it out such a
room for us such rooms for the girls and so forth until we settle to our
satisfaction that it would do or it wouldnt do as the case may be Sometimes
we go at halfprice to the pit of the theatre the very smell of which is
cheap in my opinion at the money and there we thoroughly enjoy the play
which Sophy believes every word of and so do I In walking home perhaps we buy
a little bit of something at a cooksshop or a little lobster at the
fishmongers and bring it here and make a splendid supper chatting about what
we have seen Now you know Copperfield if I was Lord Chancellor we couldnt
do this«
»You would do something whatever you were my dear Traddles« thought I
»that would be pleasant and amiable And by the way« I said aloud »I suppose
you never draw any skeletons now«
»Really« replied Traddles laughing and reddening »I cant wholly deny
that I do my dear Copperfield For being in one of the back rows of the Kings
Bench the other day with a pen in my hand the fancy came into my head to try
how I had preserved that accomplishment And I am afraid theres a skeleton in
a wig on the ledge of the desk«
After we had both laughed heartily Traddles wound up by looking with a
smile at the fire and saying in his forgiving way »Old Creakle«
»I have a letter from that old Rascal here« said I For I never was less
disposed to forgive him the way he used to batter Traddles than when I saw
Traddles so ready to forgive him himself
»From Creakle the schoolmaster« exclaimed Traddles »No«
»Among the persons who are attracted to me in my rising fame and fortune«
said I looking over my letters »and who discover that they were always much
attached to me is the self-same Creakle He is not a schoolmaster now
Traddles He is retired He is a Middlesex Magistrate«
I thought Traddles might be surprised to hear it but he was not so at all
»How do you suppose he comes to be a Middlesex Magistrate« said I
»Oh dear me« replied Traddles »it would be very difficult to answer that
question Perhaps he voted for somebody or lent money to somebody or bought
something of somebody or otherwise obliged somebody or jobbed for somebody
who knew somebody who got the lieutenant of the county to nominate him for the
commission«
»On the commission he is at any rate« said I »And he writes to me here
that he will be glad to show me in operation the only true system of prison
discipline the only unchallengeable way of making sincere and lasting converts
and penitents which you know is by solitary confinement What do you say«
»To the system« inquired Traddles looking grave
»No To my accepting the offer and your going with me«
»I dont object« said Traddles
»Then Ill write to say so You remember to say nothing of our treatment
this same Creakle turning his son out of doors I suppose and the life he used
to lead his wife and daughter«
»Perfectly« said Traddles
»Yet if youll read his letter youll find he is the tenderest of men to
prisoners convicted of the whole calendar of felonies« said I »though I cant
find that his tenderness extends to any other class of created beings«
Traddles shrugged his shoulders and was not at all surprised I had not
expected him to be and was not surprised myself or my observation of similar
practical satires would have been but scanty We arranged the time of our visit
and I wrote accordingly to Mr Creakle that evening
On the appointed day I think it was the next day but no matter Traddles
and I repaired to the prison where Mr Creakle was powerful It was an immense
and solid building erected at a vast expense I could not help thinking as we
approached the gate what an uproar would have been made in the country if any
deluded man had proposed to spend one half the money it had cost on the
erection of an industrial school for the young or a house of refuge for the
deserving old
In an office that might have been on the groundfloor of the Tower of Babel
it was so massively constructed we were presented to our old schoolmaster who
was one of a group composed of two or three of the busier sort of magistrates
and some visitors they had brought He received me like a man who had formed my
mind in bygone years and had always loved me tenderly On my introducing
Traddles Mr Creakle expressed in like manner but in an inferior degree that
he had always been Traddless guide philosopher and friend Our venerable
instructor was a great deal older and not improved in appearance His face was
as fiery as ever his eyes were as small and rather deeper set The scanty
wetlooking grey hair by which I remembered him was almost gone and the thick
veins in his bald head were none the more agreeable to look at
After some conversation among these gentlemen from which I might have
supposed that there was nothing in the world to be legitimately taken into
account but the supreme comfort of prisoners at any expense and nothing on the
wide earth to be done outside prisondoors we began our inspection It being
then just dinnertime we went first into the great kitchen where every
prisoners dinner was in course of being set out separately to be handed to him
in his cell with the regularity and precision of clockwork I said aside to
Traddles that I wondered whether it occurred to anybody that there was a
striking contrast between these plentiful repasts of choice quality and the
dinners not to say of paupers but of soldiers sailors labourers the great
bulk of the honest working community of whom not one man in five hundred ever
dined half so well But I learned that the system required high living and in
short to dispose of the system once for all I found that on that head and on
all others the system put an end to all doubts and disposed of all anomalies
Nobody appeared to have the least idea that there was any other system but the
system to be considered.
As we were going through some of the magnificent passages I inquired of Mr
Creakle and his friends what were supposed to be the main advantages of this
allgoverning and universally overriding system I found them to be the perfect
isolation of prisoners so that no one man in confinement there knew anything
about another and the reduction of prisoners to a wholesome state of mind
leading to sincere contrition and repentance
Now it struck me when we began to visit individuals in their cells and to
traverse the passages in which those cells were and to have the manner of the
going to chapel and so forth explained to us that there was a strong
probability of the prisoners knowing a good deal about each other and of their
carrying on a pretty complete system of intercourse This at the time I write
has been proved I believe to be the case but as it would have been flat
blasphemy against the system to have hinted such a doubt then I looked out for
the penitence as diligently as I could
And here again I had great misgivings I found as prevalent a fashion in
the form of the penitence as I had left outside in the forms of the coats and
waistcoats in the windows of the tailors shops I found a vast amount of
profession varying very little in character varying very little which I
thought exceedingly suspicious even in words I found a great many foxes
disparaging whole vineyards of inaccessible grapes but I found very few foxes
whom I would have trusted within reach of a bunch Above all I found that the
most professing men were the greatest objects of interest and that their
conceit their vanity their want of excitement and their love of deception
which many of them possessed to an almost incredible extent as their histories
showed all prompted to these professions and were all gratified by them
However I heard so repeatedly in the course of our goings to and fro of a
certain Number Twenty Seven who was the favourite and who really appeared to
be a Model Prisoner that I resolved to suspend my judgment until I should see
Twenty Seven Twenty Eight I understood was also a bright particular star but
it was his misfortune to have his glory a little dimmed by the extraordinary
lustre of Twenty Seven I heard so much of Twenty Seven of his pious
admonitions to everybody around him and of the beautiful letters he constantly
wrote to his mother whom he seemed to consider in a very bad way that I
became quite impatient to see him
I had to restrain my impatience for some time on account of Twenty Seven
being reserved for a concluding effect But at last we came to the door of his
cell and Mr Creakle looking through a little hole in it reported to us in a
state of the greatest admiration that he was reading a Hymn Book
There was such a rush of heads immediately to see Number Twenty Seven
reading his Hymn Book that the little hole was blocked up six or seven heads
deep To remedy this inconvenience and give us an opportunity of conversing
with Twenty Seven in all his purity Mr Creakle directed the door of the cell
to be unlocked and Twenty Seven to be invited out into the passage This was
done and whom should Traddles and I then behold to our amazement in this
converted Number Twenty Seven but Uriah Heep
He knew us directly and said as he came out with the old writhe
»How do you do Mr Copperfield How do you do Mr Traddles«
This recognition caused a general admiration in the party I rather thought
that every one was struck by his not being proud and taking notice of us
»Well Twenty Seven« said Mr Creakle mournfully admiring him »How do you
find yourself today«
»I am very umble sir« replied Uriah Heep
»You are always so Twenty Seven« said Mr Creakle
Here another gentleman asked with extreme anxiety »Are you quite
comfortable«
»Yes I thank you sir« said Uriah Heep looking in that direction »Far
more comfortable here than ever I was outside I see my follies now sir
Thats what makes me comfortable«
Several gentlemen were much affected and a third questioner forcing
himself to the front inquired with extreme feeling »How do you find the beef«
»Thank you sir« replied Uriah glancing in the new direction of this
voice »it was tougher yesterday than I could wish but its my duty to bear I
have committed follies gentlemen« said Uriah looking round with a meek smile
»and I ought to bear the consequences without repining«
A murmur partly of gratification at Twenty Sevens celestial state of mind
and partly of indignation against the Contractor who had given him any cause of
complaint a note of which was immediately made by Mr Creakle having
subsided Twenty Seven stood in the midst of us as if he felt himself the
principal object of merit in a highly meritorious museum That we the
neophytes might have an excess of light shining upon us all at once orders
were given to let out Twenty Eight
I had been so much astonished already that I only felt a kind of resigned
wonder when Mr Littimer walked forth reading a good book
»Twenty Eight« said a gentleman in spectacles who had not yet spoken »you
complained last week my good fellow of the cocoa How has it been since«
»I thank you sir« said Mr Littimer »it has been better made If I might
take the liberty of saying so sir I dont think the milk which is boiled with
it is quite genuine but I am aware sir that there is great adulteration of
milk in London and that the article in a pure state is difficult to be
obtained«
It appeared to me that the gentleman in spectacles backed his Twenty Eight
against Mr Creakles Twenty Seven for each of them took his own man in hand
»What is your state of mind Twenty Eight« said the questioner in
spectacles
»I thank you sir« returned Mr Littimer »I see my follies now sir I am
a good deal troubled when I think of the sins of my former companions sir but
I trust they may find forgiveness«
»You are quite happy yourself« said the questioner nodding encouragement
»I am much obliged to you sir« returned Mr Littimer »Perfectly so«
»Is there anything at all on your mind now« said the questioner »If so
mention it Twenty Eight«
»Sir« said Mr Littimer without looking up »if my eyes have not deceived
me there is a gentleman present who was acquainted with me in my former life
It may be profitable to that gentleman to know sir that I attribute my past
follies entirely to having lived a thoughtless life in the service of young
men and to having allowed myself to be led by them into weaknesses which I had
not the strength to resist I hope that gentleman will take warning sir and
will not be offended at my freedom It is for his good I am conscious of my own
past follies I hope he may repent of all the wickedness and sin to which he
has been a party«
I observed that several gentlemen were shading their eyes each with one
hand as if they had just come into church
»This does you credit Twenty Eight« returned the questioner »I should
have expected it of you Is there anything else«
»Sir« returned Mr Littimer slightly lifting up his eyebrows but not his
eyes »there was a young woman who fell into dissolute courses that I
endeavoured to save sir but could not rescue I beg that gentleman if he has
it in his power to inform that young woman from me that I forgive her her bad
conduct towards myself and that I call her to repentance if he will be so
good«
»I have no doubt Twenty Eight« returned the questioner »that the
gentleman you refer to feels very strongly as we all must what you have so
properly said We will not detain you«
»I thank you sir« said Mr Littimer »Gentlemen I wish you a good day
and hoping you and your families will also see your wickedness and amend«
With this Number Twenty Eight retired after a glance between him and
Uriah as if they were not altogether unknown to each other through some medium
of communication and a murmur went round the group as his door shut upon him
that he was a most respectable man and a beautiful case
»Now Twenty Seven« said Mr Creakle entering on a clear stage with his
man »is there anything that any one can do for you If so mention it«
»I would umbly ask sir« returned Uriah with a jerk of his malevolent
head »for leave to write again to mother«
»It shall certainly be granted« said Mr Creakle
»Thank you sir I am anxious about mother I am afraid she aint safe«
Somebody incautiously asked what from But there was a scandalised whisper
of »Hush«
»Immortally safe sir« returned Uriah writhing in the direction of the
voice »I should wish mother to be got into my state I never should have been
got into my present state if I hadnt come here I wish mother had come here It
would be better for everybody if they got took up and was brought here«
This sentiment gave unbounded satisfaction greater satisfaction I think
than anything that had passed yet
»Before I come here« said Uriah stealing a look at us as if he would have
blighted the outer world to which we belonged if he could »I was given to
follies but now I am sensible of my follies Theres a deal of sin outside
Theres a deal of sin in mother Theres nothing but sin everywhere except
here«
»You are quite changed« said Mr Creakle
»Oh dear yes sir« cried this hopeful penitent
»You wouldnt relapse if you were going out« asked somebody else
»Oh dear no sir«
»Well« said Mr Creakle »this is very gratifying You have addressed Mr
Copperfield Twenty Seven Do you wish to say anything further to him«
»You knew me a long time before I came here and was changed Mr
Copperfield« said Uriah looking at me and a more villainous look I never saw
even on his visage »You knew me when in spite of my follies I was umble among
them that was proud and meek among them that was violent you was violent to
me yourself Mr Copperfield Once you struck me a blow in the face you know«
General commiseration Several indignant glances directed at me
»But I forgive you Mr Copperfield« said Uriah making his forgiving
nature the subject of a most impious and awful parallel which I shall not
record »I forgive everybody It would ill become me to bear malice I freely
forgive you and I hope youll curb your passions in future I hope Mr W will
repent and Miss W and all of that sinful lot Youve been visited with
affliction and I hope it may do you good but youd better have come here Mr
W had better have come here and Miss W too The best wish I could give you
Mr Copperfield and give all of you gentlemen is that you could be took up
and brought here When I think of my past follies and my present state I am
sure it would be best for you I pity all who aint brought here«
He sneaked back into his cell amidst a little chorus of approbation and
both Traddles and I experienced a great relief when he was locked in
It was a characteristic feature in this repentance that I was fain to ask
what these two men had done to be there at all That appeared to be the last
thing about which they had anything to say I addressed myself to one of the two
warders who I suspected from certain latent indications in their faces knew
pretty well what all this stir was worth
»Do you know« said I as we walked along the passage »what felony was
Number Twenty Sevens last folly«
The answer was that it was a Bank case
»A fraud on the Bank of England« I asked
»Yes sir Fraud forgery and conspiracy He and some others He set the
others on It was a deep plot for a large sum Sentence transportation for
life Twenty Seven was the knowingest bird of the lot and had very nearly kept
himself safe but not quite The Bank was just able to put salt upon his tail
and only just«
»Do you know Twenty Eights offence«
»Twenty Eight« returned my informant speaking throughout in a low tone
and looking over his shoulder as we walked along the passage to guard himself
from being overheard in such an unlawful reference to these Immaculates by
Creakle and the rest »Twenty Eight also transportation got a place and
robbed a young master of a matter of two hundred and fifty pounds in money and
valuables the night before they were going abroad I particularly recollect his
case from his being took by a dwarf«
»A what«
»A little woman I have forgot her name«
»Not Mowcher«
»Thats it He had eluded pursuit and was going to America in a flaxen wig
and whiskers and such a complete disguise as never you see in all your born
days when the little woman being in Southampton met him walking along the
street picked him out with her sharp eye in a moment ran betwixt his legs to
upset him and held on to him like grim Death«
»Excellent Miss Mowcher« cried I
»Youd have said so if you had seen her standing on a chair in the
witnessbox at the trial as I did« said my friend »He cut her face right
open and pounded her in the most brutal manner when she took him but she
never loosed her hold till he was locked up She held so tight to him in fact
that the officers were obliged to take em both together She gave her evidence
in the gamest way and was highly complimented by the Bench and cheered right
home to her lodgings She said in Court that shed have took him singlehanded
on account of what she knew concerning him if he had been Samson And its my
belief she would«
It was mine too and I highly respected Miss Mowcher for it
We had now seen all there was to see It would have been in vain to
represent to such a man as the worshipful Mr Creakle that Twenty Seven and
Twenty Eight were perfectly consistent and unchanged that exactly what they
were then they had always been that the hypocritical knaves were just the
subjects to make that sort of profession in such a place that they knew its
marketvalue at least as well as we did in the immediate service it would do
them when they were expatriated in a word that it was a rotten hollow
painfully suggestive piece of business altogether We left them to their system
and themselves and went home wondering
»Perhaps its a good thing Traddles« said I »to have an unsound Hobby
ridden hard for its the sooner ridden to death«
»I hope so« replied Traddles
Chapter LXII
A Light Shines on My Way
The year came round to Christmastime and I had been at home above two months
I had seen Agnes frequently However loud the general voice might be in giving
me encouragement and however fervent the emotions and endeavours to which it
roused me I heard her lightest word of praise as I heard nothing else
At least once a week and sometimes oftener I rode over there and passed
the evening I usually rode back at night for the old unhappy sense was always
hovering about me now most sorrowfully when I left her and I was glad to be
up and out rather than wandering over the past in weary wakefulness or
miserable dreams I wore away the longest part of many wild sad nights in those
rides reviving as I went the thoughts that had occupied me in my long
absence
Or if I were to say rather that I listened to the echoes of those thoughts
I should better express the truth They spoke to me from afar off I had put
them at a distance and accepted my inevitable place When I read to Agnes what
I wrote when I saw her listening face moved her to smiles or tears and heard
her cordial voice so earnest on the shadowy events of that imaginative world in
which I lived I thought what a fate mine might have been but only thought so
as I had thought after I was married to Dora what I could have wished my wife
to be
My duty to Agnes who loved me with a love which if I disquieted I
wronged most selfishly and poorly and could never restore my matured assurance
that I who had worked out my own destiny and won what I had impetuously set my
heart on had no right to murmur and must bear comprised what I felt and what I
had learned But I loved her and now it even became some consolation to me
vaguely to conceive a distant day when I might blamelessly avow it when all
this should be over when I could say »Agnes so it was when I came home and
now I am old and I never have loved since«
She did not once show me any change in herself What she always had been to
me she still was wholly unaltered
Between my aunt and me there had been something in this connexion since
the night of my return which I cannot call a restraint or an avoidance of the
subject so much as an implied understanding that we thought of it together but
did not shape our thoughts into words When according to our old custom we sat
before the fire at night we often fell into this train as naturally and as
consciously to each other as if we had unreservedly said so But we preserved
an unbroken silence I believed that she had read or partly read my thoughts
that night and that she fully comprehended why I gave mine no more distinct
expression
This Christmastime being come and Agnes having reposed no new confidence
in me a doubt that had several times arisen in my mind whether she could have
that perception of the true state of my breast which restrained her with the
apprehension of giving me pain began to oppress me heavily If that were so
my sacrifice was nothing my plainest obligation to her unfulfilled and every
poor action I had shrunk from I was hourly doing I resolved to set this right
beyond all doubt if such a barrier were between us to break it down at once
with a determined hand
It was what lasting reason have I to remember it a cold harsh winter
day There had been snow some hours before and it lay not deep but
hardfrozen on the ground Out at sea beyond my window the wind blew ruggedly
from the north I had been thinking of it sweeping over those mountain wastes
of snow in Switzerland then inaccessible to any human foot and had been
speculating which was the lonelier those solitary regions or a deserted ocean
»Riding today Trot« said my aunt putting her head in at the door
»Yes« said I »I am going over to Canterbury Its a good day for a ride«
»I hope your horse may think so too« said my aunt »but at present he is
holding down his head and his ears standing before the door there as if he
thought his stable preferable«
My aunt I may observe allowed my horse on the forbidden ground but had
not at all relented toward the donkeys
»He will be fresh enough presently« said I
»The ride will do his master good at all events« observed my aunt
glancing at the papers on my table »Ah child you pass a good many hours here
I never thought when I used to read books what work it was to write them«
»Its work enough to read them sometimes« I returned »As to the writing
it has its own charms aunt«
»Ah I see« said my aunt »Ambition love of approbation sympathy and
much more I suppose Well go along with you«
»Do you know anything more« said I standing composedly before her she
had patted me on the shoulder and sat down in my chair »of that attachment of
Agnes«
She looked up in my face a little while before replying
»I think I do Trot«
»Are you confirmed in your impression« I inquired
»I think I am Trot«
She looked so steadfastly at me with a kind of doubt or pity or suspense
in her affection that I summoned the stronger determination to show her a
perfectly cheerful face
»And what is more Trot « said my aunt
»Yes«
»I think Agnes is going to be married«
»God bless her« said I cheerfully
»God bless her« said my aunt »and her husband too«
I echoed it parted from my aunt went lightly downstairs mounted and
rode away There was greater reason than before to do what I had resolved to do
How well I recollect the wintry ride The frozen particles of ice brushed
from the blades of grass by the wind and borne across my face the hard clatter
of the horses hoofs beating a tune upon the ground the stifftilled soil the
snowdrift lightly eddying in the chalkpit as the breeze ruffled it the
smoking team with the waggon of old hay stopping to breathe on the hilltop
and shaking their bells musically the whitened slopes and sweeps of Downland
lying against the dark sky as if they were drawn on a huge slate
I found Agnes alone The little girls had gone to their own homes now and
she was alone by the fire reading She put down her book on seeing me come in
and having welcomed me as usual took her workbasket and sat in one of the
oldfashioned windows
I sat beside her on the windowseat and we talked of what I was doing and
when it would be done and of the progress I had made since my last visit Agnes
was very cheerful and laughingly predicted that I should soon become too famous
to be talked to on such subjects
»So I make the most of the present time you see« said Agnes »and talk to
you while I may«
As I looked at her beautiful face observant of her work she raised her
mild clear eyes and saw that I was looking at her
»You are thoughtful today Trotwood«
»Agnes shall I tell you what about I came to tell you«
She put aside her work as she was used to do when we were seriously
discussing anything and gave me her whole attention
»My dear Agnes do you doubt my being true to you«
»No« she answered with a look of astonishment
»Do you doubt my being what I always have been to you«
»No« she answered as before
»Do you remember that I tried to tell you when I came home what a debt of
gratitude I owed you dearest Agnes and how fervently I felt towards you«
»I remember it« she said gently »very well«
»You have a secret« said I »Let me share it Agnes«
She cast down her eyes and trembled
»I could hardly fail to know even if I had not heard but from other lips
than yours Agnes which seems strange that there is some one upon whom you
have bestowed the treasure of your love Do not shut me out of what concerns
your happiness so nearly If you can trust me as you say you can and as I know
you may let me be your friend your brother in this matter of all others«
With an appealing almost a reproachful glance she rose from the window
and hurrying across the room as if without knowing where put her hands before
her face and burst into such tears as smote me to the heart
And yet they awakened something in me bringing promise to my heart Without
my knowing why these tears allied themselves with the quietly sad smile which
was so fixed in my remembrance and shook me more with hope than fear or sorrow
»Agnes Sister Dearest What have I done«
»Let me go away Trotwood I am not well I am not myself I will speak to
you by and by another time I will write to you Dont speak to me now Dont
dont«
I sought to recollect what she had said when I had spoken to her on that
former night of her affection needing no return It seemed a very world that I
must search through in a moment
»Agnes I cannot bear to see you so and think that I have been the cause
My dearest girl dearer to me than anything in life if you are unhappy let me
share your unhappiness If you are in need of help or counsel let me try to
give it to you If you have indeed a burden on your heart let me try to lighten
it For whom do I live now Agnes if it is not for you«
»Oh spare me I am not myself Another time« was all I could distinguish
Was it a selfish error that was leading me away Or having once a clue to
hope was there something opening to me that I had not dared to think of
»I must say more I cannot let you leave me so For Heavens sake Agnes
let us not mistake each other after all these years and all that has come and
gone with them I must speak plainly If you have any lingering thought that I
could envy the happiness you will confer that I could not resign you to a
dearer protector of your own choosing that I could not from my removed place
be a contented witness of your joy dismiss it for I dont deserve it I have
not suffered quite in vain You have not taught me quite in vain There is no
alloy of self in what I feel for you«
She was quiet now In a little time she turned her pale face towards me
and said in a low voice broken here and there but very clear
»I owe it to your pure friendship for me Trotwood which indeed I do not
doubt to tell you you are mistaken I can do no more If I have sometimes in
the course of years wanted help and counsel they have come to me If I have
sometimes been unhappy the feeling has passed away If I have ever had a burden
on my heart it has been lightened for me If I have any secret it is no new
one and is not what you suppose I cannot reveal it or divide it It has
long been mine and must remain mine«
»Agnes Stay A moment«
She was going away but I detained her I clasped my arm about her waist
»In the course of years« »It is not a new one« New thoughts and hopes were
whirling through my mind and all the colours of my life were changing
»Dearest Agnes Whom I so respect and honour whom I so devotedly love
When I came here today I thought that nothing could have wrested this
confession from me I thought I could have kept it in my bosom all our lives
till we were old But Agnes if I have indeed any newborn hope that I may ever
call you something more than Sister widely different from Sister «
Her tears fell fast but they were not like those she had lately shed and I
saw my hope brighten in them
»Agnes Ever my guide and best support If you had been more mindful of
yourself and less of me when we grew up here together I think my heedless
fancy never would have wandered from you But you were so much better than I so
necessary to me in every boyish hope and disappointment that to have you to
confide in and rely upon in everything became a second nature supplanting for
the time the first and greater one of loving you as I do«
Still weeping but not sadly joyfully And clasped in my arms as she had
never been as I had thought she never was to be
»When I loved Dora fondly Agnes as you know «
»Yes« she cried earnestly »I am glad to know it«
»When I loved her even then my love would have been incomplete without
your sympathy I had it and it was perfected And when I lost her Agnes what
should I have been without you still«
Closer in my arms nearer to my heart her trembling hand upon my shoulder
her sweet eyes shining through her tears on mine
»I went away dear Agnes loving you I stayed away loving you I returned
home loving you«
And now I tried to tell her of the struggle I had had and the conclusion I
had come to I tried to lay my mind before her truly and entirely I tried to
show her how I had hoped I had come into the better knowledge of myself and of
her how I had resigned myself to what that better knowledge brought and how I
had come there even that day in my fidelity to this If she did so love me I
said that she could take me for her husband she could do so on no deserving
of mine except upon the truth of my love for her and the trouble in which it
had ripened to be what it was and hence it was that I revealed it And O
Agnes even out of thy true eyes in that same time the spirit of my childwife
looked upon me saying it was well and winning me through thee to tenderest
recollections of the Blossom that had withered in its bloom
»I am so blest Trotwood my heart is so overcharged but there is one thing I
must say«
»Dearest what«
She laid her gentle hands upon my shoulders and looked calmly in my face
»Do you know yet what it is«
»I am afraid to speculate on what it is Tell me my dear«
»I have loved you all my life«
Oh we were happy we were happy Our tears were not for the trials hers so
much the greater through which we had come to be thus but for the rapture of
being thus never to be divided more
We walked that winter evening in the fields together and the blessed calm
within us seemed to be partaken by the frosty air The early stars began to
shine while we were lingering on and looking up to them we thanked our GOD for
having guided us to this tranquillity
We stood together in the same oldfashioned window at night when the moon
was shining Agnes with her quiet eyes raised up to it I following her glance
Long miles of road then opened out before my mind and toiling on I saw a
ragged wayworn boy forsaken and neglected who should come to call even the
heart now beating against mine his own
It was nearly dinnertime next day when we appeared before my aunt She was up
in my study Peggotty said which it was her pride to keep in readiness and
order for me We found her in her spectacles sitting by the fire
»Goodness me« said my aunt peering through the dusk »whos this youre
bringing home«
»Agnes« said I
As we had arranged to say nothing at first my aunt was not a little
discomfited She darted a hopeful glance at me when I said »Agnes« but seeing
that I looked as usual she took off her spectacles in despair and rubbed her
nose with them
She greeted Agnes heartily nevertheless and we were soon in the lighted
parlour downstairs at dinner My aunt put on her spectacles twice or thrice
to take another look at me but as often took them off again disappointed and
rubbed her nose with them Much to the discomfiture of Mr Dick who knew this
to be a bad symptom
»By the bye aunt« said I after dinner »I have been speaking to Agnes
about what you told me«
»Then Trot« said my aunt turning scarlet »you did wrong and broke your
promise«
»You are not angry aunt I trust I am sure you wont be when you learn
that Agnes is not unhappy in any attachment«
»Stuff and nonsense« said my aunt
As my aunt appeared to be annoyed I thought the best way was to cut her
annoyance short I took Agnes in my arm to the back of her chair and we both
leaned over her My aunt with one clap of her hands and one look through her
spectacles immediately went into hysterics for the first and only time in all
my knowledge of her
The hysterics called up Peggotty The moment my aunt was restored she flew
at Peggotty and calling her a silly old creature hugged her with all her
might After that she hugged Mr Dick who was highly honoured but a good deal
surprised and after that told them why Then we were all happy together
I could not discover whether my aunt in her last short conversation with
me had fallen on a pious fraud or had really mistaken the state of my mind It
was quite enough she said that she had told me Agnes was going to be married
and that I now knew better than any one how true it was
We were married within a fortnight Traddles and Sophy and Doctor and Mrs
Strong were the only guests at our quiet wedding We left them full of joy and
drove away together Clasped in my embrace I held the source of every worthy
aspiration I had ever had the centre of myself the circle of my life my own
my wife my love of whom was founded on a rock
»Dearest husband« said Agnes »Now that I may call you by that name I have
one thing more to tell you«
»Let me hear it love«
»It grows out of the night when Dora died She sent you for me«
»She did«
»She told me that she left me something Can you think what it was«
I believed I could I drew the wife who had so long loved me closer to my
side
»She told me that she made a last request to me and left me a last charge«
»And it was «
»That only I would occupy this vacant place«
And Agnes laid her head upon my breast and wept and I wept with her
though we were so happy
Chapter LXIII
A Visitor
What I have purposed to record is nearly finished but there is yet an incident
conspicuous in my memory on which it often rests with delight and without
which one thread in the web I have spun would have a ravelled end
I had advanced in fame and fortune my domestic joy was perfect I had been
married ten happy years Agnes and I were sitting by the fire in our house in
London one night in spring and three of our children were playing in the room
when I was told that a stranger wished to see me
He had been asked if he came on business and had answered No he had come
for the pleasure of seeing me and had come a long way He was an old man my
servant said and looked like a farmer
As this sounded mysterious to the children and moreover was like the
beginning of a favourite story Agnes used to tell them introductory to the
arrival of a wicked old Fairy in a cloak who hated everybody it produced some
commotion One of our boys laid his head in his mothers lap to be out of harms
way and little Agnes our eldest child left her doll in a chair to represent
her and thrust out her little heap of golden curls from between the
windowcurtains to see what happened next
»Let him come in here« said I
There soon appeared pausing in the dark doorway as he entered a hale
greyhaired old man Little Agnes attracted by his looks had run to bring him
in and I had not yet clearly seen his face when my wife starting up cried
out to me in a pleased and agitated voice that it was Mr Peggotty
It was Mr Peggotty An old man now but in a ruddy hearty strong old age
When our first emotion was over and he sat before the fire with the children on
his knees and the blaze shining on his face he looked to me as vigorous and
robust withal as handsome an old man as ever I had seen
»Masr Davy« said he And the old name in the old tone fell so naturally on
my ear »Masr Davy tis a joyful hour as I see you once more long with your
own trew wife«
»A joyful hour indeed old friend« cried I
»And these heer pretty ones« said Mr Peggotty »To look at these heer
flowers Why Masr Davy you was but the heighth of the littlest of these when
I first see you When Emly warnt no bigger and our poor lad were but a lad«
»Time has changed me more than it has changed you since then« said I »But
let these dear rogues go to bed and as no house in England but this must hold
you tell me where to send for your luggage is the old black bag among it that
went so far I wonder and then over a glass of Yarmouth grog we will have
the tidings of ten years«
»Are you alone« asked Agnes
»Yes maam« he said kissing her hand »quite alone«
We sat him between us not knowing how to give him welcome enough and as I
began to listen to his old familiar voice I could have fancied he was still
pursuing his long journey in search of his darling niece
»Its a mort of water« said Mr Peggotty »fur to come across and ony
stay a matter of fower weeks But water specially when tis salt comes
natral to me and friends is dear and I am heer Which is verse« said Mr
Peggotty surprised to find it out »though I hadnt such intentions«
»Are you going back those many thousand miles so soon« asked Agnes
»Yes maam« he returned »I giv the promise to Emly afore I come away
You see I doent grow younger as the years comes round and if I hadnt sailed
as twas most like I shouldnt never have done t And its allus been on my
mind as I must come and see Masr Davy and your own sweet blooming self in
your wedded happiness afore I got to be too old«
He looked at us as if he could never feast his eyes on us sufficiently
Agnes laughingly put back some scattered locks of his grey hair that he might
see us better
»And now tell us« said I »everything relating to your fortunes«
»Our fortuns Masr Davy« he rejoined »is soon told We havent fared
nohows but fared to thrive Weve allus thrived Weve worked as we ought to
t and maybe we lived a leetle hard at first or so but we have allus thrived
What with sheepfarming and what with stockfarming and what with one thing
and what with tother we are as well to do as well could be Theers been
kiender a blessing fell upon us« said Mr Peggotty reverentially inclining his
head »and weve done nowt but prosper That is in the long run If not
yesterday why then today If not today why then tomorrow«
»And Emily« said Agnes and I both together
»Emly« said he »arter you left her maam and I never heerd her saying
of her prayers at night tother side the canvas screen when we was settled in
the Bush but what I heerd your name and arter she and me lost sight of Masr
Davy that theer shining sundown was that low at first that if she had
knowd then what Masr Davy kep from us so kind and thowtful tis my opinion
shed have drooped away But theer was some poor folks aboard as had illness
among em and she took care of them and theer was the children in our company
and she took care of them and so she got to be busy and to be doing good and
that helped her«
»When did she first hear of it« I asked
»I kep it from her arter I heerd on t« said Mr Peggotty »going on nigh a
year We was living then in a solitary place but among the beautifullest trees
and with the roses a covering our Bein to the roof Theer come along one day
when I was out a working on the land a traveller from our own Norfolk or
Suffolk in England I doent rightly mind which and of course we took him in
and giv him to eat and drink and made him welcome We all do that all the
colony over Hed got an old newspaper with him and some other account in print
of the storm Thats how she knowd it When I come home at night I found she
knowd it«
He dropped his voice as he said these words and the gravity I so well
remembered overspread his face
»Did it change her much« we asked
»Aye for a good long time« he said shaking his head »if not to this
present hour But I think the solitoode done her good And she had a deal to
mind in the way of poultry and the like and minded of it and come through I
wonder« he said thoughtfully »if you could see my Emly now Masr Davy
whether youd know her«
»Is she so altered« I inquired
»I doent know I see her evry day and doent know but oddtimes I have
thowt so A slight figure« said Mr Peggotty looking at the fire »kiender
worn soft sorrowful blue eyes a delicate face a pritty head leaning a
little down a quiet voice and way timid amost Thats Emly«
We silently observed him as he sat still looking at the fire
»Some thinks« he said »as her affection was illbestowed some as her
marriage was broke off by death No one knows how tis She might have married
well a mort of times but uncle she says to me thats gone for ever Cheerful
along with me retired when others is by fond of going any distance fur to
teach a child or fur to tend a sick person or fur to do some kindness towrds
a young girls wedding and shes done a many but has never seen one fondly
loving of her uncle patient liked by young and old sowt out by all that has
any trouble Thats Emly«
He drew his hand across his face and with a halfsuppressed sigh looked up
from the fire
»Is Martha with you yet« I asked
»Martha« he replied »got married Masr Davy in the second year A young
man a farmlabourer as come by us on his way to market with his masrs drays
a journey of over five hundred mile theer and back made offers fur to take
her fur his wife wives is very scarce theer and then to set up fur their two
selves in the Bush She spoke to me fur to tell him her trew story I did They
was married and they live fower hundred mile away from any voices but their own
and the singing birds«
»Mrs Gummidge« I suggested
It was a pleasant key to touch for Mr Peggotty suddenly burst into a roar
of laughter and rubbed his hands up and down his legs as he had been
accustomed to do when he enjoyed himself in the longshipwrecked boat
»Would you believe it« he said »Why someun even made offers fur to marry
her If a ships cook that was turning settler Masr Davy didnt make offers
fur to marry Missis Gummidge Im Gormed and I cant say no fairer than that«
I never saw Agnes laugh so This sudden ecstasy on the part of Mr Peggotty
was so delightful to her that she could not leave off laughing and the more
she laughed the more she made me laugh and the greater Mr Peggottys ecstasy
became and the more he rubbed his legs
»And what did Mrs Gummidge say« I asked when I was grave enough
»If youll believe me« returned Mr Peggotty »Missis Gummidge stead of
saying thank you Im much obleeged to you I aint a going fur to change my
condition at my time of life upd with a bucket as was standing by and laid it
over that theer ships cooks head till he sung out fur help and I went in and
reskied of him«
Mr Peggotty burst into a great roar of laughter and Agnes and I both kept
him company
»But I must say this for the good creetur« he resumed wiping his face when
we were quite exhausted »she has been all she said shed be to us and more
Shes the willingest the trewest the honestesthelping woman Masr Davy as
ever drawd the breath of life I have never knowd her to be lone and lorn for
a single minute not even when the colony was all afore us and we was new to
it And thinking of the old un is a thing she never done I do assure you
since she left England«
»Now last not least Mr Micawber« said I »He has paid off every
obligation he incurred here even to Traddless bill you remember my dear
Agnes and therefore we may take it for granted that he is doing well But what
is the latest news of him«
Mr Peggotty with a smile put his hand in his breastpocket and produced
a flatfolded paper parcel from which he took out with much care a little
oddlooking newspaper
»You are to understan Masr Davy« said he »as we have left the Bush now
being so well to do and have gone right away round to Port Middlebay Harbour
wheer theers what we call a town«
»Mr Micawber was in the Bush near you« said I
»Bless you yes« said Mr Peggotty »and turned to with a will I never
wish to meet a better genlman for turning to with a will Ive seen that
theer bald head of his a perspiring in the sun Masr Davy till I amost
thowt it would have melted away And now hes a Magistrate«
»A Magistrate eh« said I
Mr Peggotty pointed to a certain paragraph in the newspaper where I read
aloud as follows, from the »Port Middlebay Times«
»The public dinner to our distinguished fellowcolonist and townsman WILKINS
MICAWBER ESQUIRE Port Middlebay District Magistrate came off yesterday in the
large room of the Hotel which was crowded to suffocation It is estimated that
not fewer than fortyseven persons must have been accommodated with dinner at
one time exclusive of the company in the passage and on the stairs The beauty
fashion and exclusiveness of Port Middlebay flocked to do honour to one so
deservedly esteemed so highly talented and so widely popular Doctor Mell of
Colonial SalemHouse Grammar School Port Middlebay presided and on his right
sat the distinguished guest After the removal of the cloth and the singing of
Non Nobis beautifully executed and in which we were at no loss to distinguish
the belllike notes of that gifted amateur WILKINS MICAWBER ESQUIRE JUNIOR
the usual loyal and patriotic toasts were severally given and rapturously
received Dr Mell in a speech replete with feeling then proposed Our
distinguished Guest the ornament of our town May he never leave us but to
better himself and may his success among us be such as to render his bettering
himself impossible The cheering with which the toast was received defies
description Again and again it rose and fell like the waves of ocean At
length all was hushed and WILKINS MICAWBER ESQUIRE presented himself to
return thanks Far be it from us in the present comparatively imperfect state
of the resources of our establishment to endeavour to follow our distinguished
townsman through the smoothlyflowing periods of his polished and highlyornate
address Suffice it to observe that it was a masterpiece of eloquence and that
those passages in which he more particularly traced his own successful career to
its source and warned the younger portion of his auditory from the shoals of
ever incurring pecuniary liabilities which they were unable to liquidate
brought a tear into the manliest eye present The remaining toasts were DOCTOR
MELL MRS MICAWBER who gracefully bowed her acknowledgments from the
sidedoor where a galaxy of beauty was elevated on chairs at once to witness
and adorn the gratifying scene MRS RIDGER BEGS late Miss Micawber MRS
MELL WILKINS MICAWBER ESQUIRE JUNIOR who convulsed the assembly by
humorously remarking that he found himself unable to return thanks in a speech
but would do so with their permission in a song MRS MICAWBERS FAMILY well
known it is needless to remark in the mothercountry etc etc etc At the
conclusion of the proceedings the tables were cleared as if by artmagic for
dancing Among the votaries of TERPSICHORE who disported themselves until Sol
gave warning for departure Wilkins Micawber Esquire Junior and the lovely
and accomplished Miss Helena fourth daughter of Doctor Mell were particularly
remarkable«
I was looking back to the name of Doctor Mell pleased to have discovered in
these happier circumstances Mr Mell formerly poor pinched usher to my
Middlesex magistrate when Mr Peggotty pointing to another part of the paper
my eyes rested on my own name and I read thus
»To David Copperfield Esquire
The Eminent Author
My Dear Sir
Years have elapsed since I had an opportunity of ocularly perusing
the lineaments now familiar to the imaginations of a considerable
portion of the civilised world
But my dear sir though estranged by the force of circumstances
over which I have had no control from the personal society of the
friend and companion of my youth I have not been unmindful of his
soaring flight Nor have I been debarred
Though seas between us braid ha roared
BURNS from participating in the intellectual feasts he has spread
before us
I cannot therefore allow of the departure from this place of an
individual whom we mutually respect and esteem without my dear sir
taking this public opportunity of thanking you on my own behalf and I
may undertake to add on that of the whole of the Inhabitants of Port
Middlebay for the gratification of which you are the ministering agent
Go on my dear sir You are not unknown here you are not
unappreciated Though remote we are neither unfriended melancholy nor
I may add slow Go on my dear sir in your Eagle course The
inhabitants of Port Middlebay may at least aspire to watch it with
delight with entertainment with instruction
Among the eyes elevated towards you from this portion of the globe
will ever be found while it has light and life
T he
E ye
App ertaining to
WILKINS MICAWBER
Magistrate«
I found on glancing at the remaining contents of the newspaper that Mr
Micawber was a diligent and esteemed correspondent of that Journal There was
another letter from him in the same paper touching a bridge there was an
advertisement of a collection of similar letters by him to be shortly
republished in a neat volume with considerable additions and unless I am
very much mistaken the Leading Article was his also
We talked much of Mr Micawber on many other evenings while Mr Peggotty
remained with us He lived with us during the whole term of his stay which I
think was something less than a month and his sister and my aunt came to
London to see him Agnes and I parted from him aboardship when he sailed and
we shall never part from him more on earth
But before he left he went with me to Yarmouth to see a little tablet I
had put up in the churchyard to the memory of Ham While I was copying the plain
inscription for him at his request I saw him stoop and gather a tuft of grass
from the grave and a little earth
»For Emly« he said as he put it in his breast »I promised Masr Davy«
Chapter LXIV
A Last Retrospect
And now my written story ends I look back once more for the last time
before I close these leaves
I see myself with Agnes at my side journeying along the road of life I
see our children and our friends around us and I hear the roar of many voices
not indifferent to me as I travel on
What faces are the most distinct to me in the fleeting crowd Lo these all
turning to me as I ask my thoughts the question
Here is my aunt in stronger spectacles an old woman of fourscore years and
more but upright yet and a steady walker of six miles at a stretch in winter
weather
Always with her here comes Peggotty my good old nurse likewise in
spectacles accustomed to do needlework at night very close to the lamp but
never sitting down to it without a bit of wax candle a yard measure in a little
house and a workbox with a picture of St Pauls upon the lid
The cheeks and arms of Peggotty so hard and red in my childish days when I
wondered why the birds didnt peck her in preference to apples are shrivelled
now and her eyes that used to darken their whole neighbourhood in her face
are fainter though they glitter still but her rough forefinger which I once
associated with a pocket nutmeg grater is just the same and when I see my
least child catching at it as it totters from my aunt to her I think of our
little parlour at home when I could scarcely walk My aunts old disappointment
is set right now She is godmother to a real living Betsey Trotwood and Dora
the next in order says she spoils her
There is something bulky in Peggottys pocket It is nothing smaller than
the CrocodileBook which is in rather a dilapidated condition by this time
with divers of the leaves torn and stitched across but which Peggotty exhibits
to the children as a precious relic I find it very curious to see my own infant
face looking up at me from the Crocodile stories and to be reminded by it of
my old acquaintance Brooks of Sheffield
Among my boys this summer holiday time I see an old man making giant
kites and gazing at them in the air with a delight for which there are no
words He greets me rapturously and whispers with many nods and winks
»Trotwood you will be glad to hear that I shall finish the Memorial when I have
nothing else to do and that your aunts the most extraordinary woman in the
world sir«
Who is this bent lady supporting herself by a stick and showing me a
countenance in which there are some traces of old pride and beauty feebly
contending with a querulous imbecile fretful wandering of the mind? She is in
a garden and near her stands a sharp dark withered woman with a white scar
on her lip Let me hear what they say
»Rosa I have forgotten this gentlemans name«
Rosa bends over her and calls to her Mr Copperfield
»I am glad to see you sir I am sorry to observe you are in mourning I
hope Time will be good to you«
Her impatient attendant scolds her tells her I am not in mourning bids her
look again tries to rouse her
»You have seen my son sir« says the elder lady »Are you reconciled«
Looking fixedly at me she puts her hand to her forehead and moans
Suddenly she cries in a terrible voice »Rosa come to me He is dead« Rosa
kneeling at her feet by turns caresses her and quarrels with her now fiercely
telling her »I loved him better than you ever did« now soothing her to sleep
on her breast like a sick child Thus I leave them thus I always find them
thus they wear their time away from year to year
What ship comes sailing home from India and what English lady is this
married to a growling old Scotch Croesus with great flaps of ears Can this be
Julia Mills
Indeed it is Julia Mills peevish and fine with a black man to carry cards
and letters to her on a golden salver and a coppercoloured woman in linen
with a bright handkerchief round her head to serve her Tiffin in her
dressingroom But Julia keeps no diary in these days never sings Affections
Dirge eternally quarrels with the old Scotch Croesus who is a sort of yellow
bear with a tanned hide Julia is steeped in money to the throat and talks and
thinks of nothing else I liked her better in the Desert of Sahara
Or perhaps this is the Desert of Sahara For though Julia has a stately
house and mighty company and sumptuous dinners every day I see no green
growth near her nothing that can ever come to fruit or flower What Julia calls
society I see among it Mr Jack Maldon from his Patent Place sneering at the
hand that gave it him and speaking to me of the Doctor as so charmingly
antique But when society is the name for such hollow gentlemen and ladies
Julia and when its breeding is professed indifference to everything that can
advance or can retard mankind I think we must have lost ourselves in that same
Desert of Sahara and had better find the way out
And lo the Doctor always our good friend labouring at his Dictionary
somewhere about the letter D and happy in his home and wife Also the Old
Soldier on a considerably reduced footing and by no means so influential as in
days of yore
Working at his chambers in the Temple with a busy aspect and his hair
where he is not bald made more rebellious than ever by the constant friction
of his lawyers wig I come in a later time upon my dear old Traddles His
table is covered with thick piles of papers and I say as I look around me
»If Sophy were your clerk now Traddles she would have enough to do«
»You may say that my dear Copperfield But those were capital days too in
Holborn Court Were they not«
»When she told you you would be a Judge But it was not the town talk then«
»At all events« says Traddles »if I ever am one «
»Why you know you will be«
»Well my dear Copperfield when I am one I shall tell the story as I said
I would«
We walk away arm in arm I am going to have a family dinner with Traddles
It is Sophys birthday and on our road Traddles discourses to me of the good
fortune he has enjoyed
»I really have been able my dear Copperfield to do all that I had most at
heart Theres the Reverend Horace promoted to that living at four hundred and
fifty pounds a year there are our two boys receiving the very best education
and distinguishing themselves as steady scholars and good fellows there are
three of the girls married very comfortably there are three more living with
us there are three more keeping house for the Reverend Horace since Mrs
Crewlers decease and all of them happy«
»Except « I suggest
»Except the Beauty« says Traddles »Yes It was very unfortunate that she
should marry such a vagabond But there was a certain dash and glare about him
that caught her However now we have got her safe at our house and got rid of
him we must cheer her up again«
Traddless house is one of the very houses or it easily may have been
which he and Sophy used to parcel out in their evening walks It is a large
house but Traddles keeps his papers in his dressingroom and his boots with
his papers and he and Sophy squeeze themselves into upper rooms reserving the
best bedrooms for the Beauty and the girls There is no room to spare in the
house for more of the girls are here and always are here by some accident or
other than I know how to count Here when we go in is a crowd of them
running down to the door and handing Traddles about to be kissed until he is
out of breath Here established in perpetuity is the poor Beauty a widow with
a little girl here at dinner on Sophys birthday are the three married girls
with their three husbands and one of the husbands brothers and another
husbands cousin and another husbands sister who appears to me to be engaged
to the cousin Traddles exactly the same simple unaffected fellow as he ever
was sits at the foot of the large table like a Patriarch and Sophy beams upon
him from the head across a cheerful space that is certainly not glittering
with Britannia metal
And now as I close my task subduing my desire to linger yet these faces
fade away But one face shining on me like a Heavenly light by which I see all
other objects is above them and beyond them all And that remains
I turn my head and see it in its beautiful serenity beside me My lamp
burns low and I have written far into the night but the dear presence without
which I were nothing bears me company
Oh Agnes Oh my soul so may thy face be by me when I close my life indeed
so may I when realities are melting from me like the shadows which I now
dismiss still find thee near me pointing upward