Charles Dickens
The Posthumous Papers of the
Pickwick Club
Preface
It was observed in the Preface to the original Edition of the »Posthumous
Papers of the Pickwick Club« that they were designed for the introduction of
diverting characters and incidents that no ingenuity of plot was attempted or
even at that time considered very feasible by the author in connexion with the
desultory mode of publication adopted and that the machinery of the Club
proving cumbrous in the management was gradually abandoned as the work
progressed Although on one of these points experience and study afterwards
taught me something and I could perhaps wish now that these chapters were
strung together on a stronger thread of general interest still what they are
they were designed to be
I have seen various accounts of the origin of these Pickwick Papers which
have, at all events possessed for me the charm of perfect novelty As I may
infer from the occasional appearance of such histories that my readers have an
interest in the matter I will relate how they came into existence
I was a young man of two or threeandtwenty when MESSRS CHAPMAN and HALL
attracted by some pieces I was at that time writing in the Morning Chronicle
newspaper or had just written in the Old Monthly Magazine of which one series
had lately been collected and published in two volumes illustrated by MR
GEORGE CRUIKSHANK waited upon me to propose a something that should be
published in shilling numbers then only known to me or I believe to anybody
else by a dim recollection of certain interminable novels in that form which
used to be carried about the country by pedlars and over some of which I
remember to have shed innumerable tears before I had served my apprenticeship to
Life
When I opened my door in Furnivals Inn to the partner who represented the
firm I recognised in him the person from whose hands I had bought two or three
years previously and whom I had never seen before or since my first copy of
the Magazine in which my first effusion a paper in the Sketches called MR
MINNS AND HIS COUSIN dropped stealthily one evening at twilight with fear and
trembling into a dark letterbox in a dark office up a dark court in Fleet
Street appeared in all the glory of print on which occasion I walked down to
Westminster Hall and turned into it for halfanhour because my eyes were so
dimmed with joy and pride that they could not bear the street and were not fit
to be seen there I told my visitor of the coincidence which we both hailed as
a good omen and so fell to business
The idea propounded to me was that the monthly something should be a
vehicle for certain plates to be executed by MR SEYMOUR and there was a
notion either on the part of that admirable humorous artist or of my visitor
that a NIMROD Club the members of which were to go out shooting fishing and
so forth and getting themselves into difficulties through their want of
dexterity would be the best means of introducing these I objected on
consideration that although born and partly bred in the country I was no great
sportsman except in regard of all kinds of locomotion that the idea was not
novel and had been already much used that it would be infinitely better for
the plates to arise naturally out of the text and that I would like to take my
own way with a freer range of English scenes and people and was afraid I
should ultimately do so in any case whatever course I might prescribe to myself
at starting My views being deferred to I thought of Mr Pickwick and wrote
the first number from the proof sheets of which MR SEYMOUR made his drawing
of the Club and his happy portrait of its founder the latter on MR EDWARD
CHAPMANS description of the dress and bearing of a real personage whom he had
often seen I connected Mr Pickwick with a club because of the original
suggestion and I put in Mr Winkle expressly for the use of MR SEYMOURS We
started with a number of twentyfour pages instead of thirtytwo and four
illustrations in lieu of a couple MR SEYMOURS sudden and lamented death
before the second number was published brought about a quick decision upon a
point already in agitation the number became one of thirtytwo pages with only
two illustrations and remained so to the end
It is with great unwillingness that I notice some intangible and incoherent
assertions which have been made professedly on behalf of MR SEYMOUR to the
effect that he had some share in the invention of this book or of anything in
it not faithfully described in the foregoing paragraph With the moderation
that is due equally to my respect for the memory of a brotherartist and to my
selfrespect I confine myself to placing on record here the facts
That MR SEYMOUR never originated or suggested an incident a phrase or a
word to be found in this book That MR SEYMOUR died when only twentyfour
pages of this book were published and when assuredly not fortyeight were
written That I believe I never saw MR SEYMOURS handwriting in my life
That I never saw MR SEYMOUR but once in my life and that was on the night but
one before his death when he certainly offered no suggestion whatsoever That I
saw him then in the presence of two persons both living perfectly acquainted
with all these facts and whose written testimony to them I possess Lastly
that MR EDWARD CHAPMAN the survivor of the original firm of CHAPMAN and HALL
has set down in writing for similar preservation his personal knowledge of the
origin and progress of this book of the monstrosity of the baseless assertions
in question and tested by details even of the self-evident impossibility of
there being any truth in them In the exercise of the forbearance on which I
have resolved I do not quote MR EDWARD CHAPMANS account of his deceased
partners reception on a certain occasion of the pretences in question
»Boz« my signature in the Morning Chronicle and in the Old Monthly
Magazine appended to the monthly cover of this book and retained long
afterwards was the nickname of a pet child a younger brother whom I had
dubbed Moses in honour of the Vicar of Wakefield which being facetiously
pronounced through the nose became Boses and being shortened became Boz Boz
was a very familiar household word to me long before I was an author and so I
came to adopt it
It has been observed of Mr Pickwick that there is a decided change in his
character as these pages proceed and that he becomes more good and more
sensible I do not think this change will appear forced or unnatural to my
readers if they will reflect that in real life the peculiarities and oddities
of a man who has anything whimsical about him generally impress us first and
that it is not until we are better acquainted with him that we usually begin to
look below these superficial traits and to know the better part of him
Lest there should be any wellintentioned persons who do not perceive the
difference as some such could not when OLD MORTALITY was newly published
between religion and the cant of religion piety and the pretence of piety a
humble reverence for the great truths of Scripture and an audacious and
offensive obtrusion of its letter and not its spirit in the commonest
dissensions and meanest affairs of life to the extraordinary confusion of
ignorant minds let them understand that it is always the latter and never the
former, which is satirized here Further that the latter is here satirized as
being according to all experience inconsistent with the former, impossible of
union with it and one of the most evil and mischievous falsehoods existent in
society whether it establish its headquarters for the time being in Exeter
Hall or Ebenezer Chapel or both It may appear unnecessary to offer a word of
observation on so plain a head But it is never out of season to protest against
that coarse familiarity with sacred things which is busy on the lip and idle in
the heart or against the confounding of Christianity with any class of persons
who in the words of SWIFT have just enough religion to make them hate and not
enough to make them love one another.
I have found it curious and interesting looking over the sheets of this
reprint to mark what important social improvements have taken place about us
almost imperceptibly since they were originally written The licence of
Counsel and the degree to which Juries are ingeniously bewildered are yet
susceptible of moderation while an improvement in the mode of conducting
Parliamentary Elections and even Parliaments too perhaps is still within the
bounds of possibility But legal reforms have pared the claws of Messrs Dodson
and Fogg a spirit of self-respect mutual forbearance education and
cooperation for such good ends has diffused itself among their clerks places
far apart are brought together to the present convenience and advantage of the
Public and to the certain destruction in time of a host of petty jealousies
blindnesses and prejudices by which the Public alone have always been the
sufferers the laws relating to imprisonment for debt are altered and the Fleet
Prison is pulled down
Who knows but by the time the series reaches its conclusion it may be
discovered that there are even magistrates in town and country who should be
taught to shake hands every day with Commonsense and Justice that even Poor
Laws may havemercy on the weak the aged and unfortunate that Schools on the
broad principles of Christianity are the best adornment for the length and
breadth of this civilised land that Prisondoors should be barred on the
outside no less heavily and carefully than they are barred within that the
universal diffusion of common means of decency and health is as much the right
of the poorest of the poor as it is indispensable to the safety of the rich
and of the State that a few petty boards and bodies less than drops in the
great ocean of humanity which roars around them are not for ever to let loose
Fever and Consumption on Gods creatures at their will or always to keep their
jobbing little fiddles going for a Dance of Death
Chapter I
The Pickwickians
The first ray of light which illumines the gloom and converts into a dazzling
brilliancy that obscurity in which the earlier history of the public career of
the immortal Pickwick would appear to be involved is derived from the perusal
of the following entry in the Transactions of the Pickwick Club which the
editor of these papers feels the highest pleasure in laying before his readers
as a proof of the careful attention indefatigable assiduity and nice
discrimination with which his search among the multifarious documents confided
to him has been conducted
»May 12 1827 Joseph Smiggers Esq PVPMPC1 presiding The
following resolutions unanimously agreed to
That this Association has heard read with feelings of unmingled
satisfaction and unqualified approval the paper communicated by Samuel
Pickwick Esq GCMPC2 entitled Speculations on the Source of the
Hampstead Ponds with some Observations on the Theory of Tittlebats and that
this Association does hereby return its warmest thanks to the said Samuel
Pickwick Esq GCMPC for the same
That while this Association is deeply sensible of the advantages which must
accrue to the cause of science from the production to which they have just
adverted no less than from the unwearied researches of Samuel Pickwick Esq
GCMPC in Hornsey Highgate Brixton and Camberwell they cannot but
entertain a lively sense of the inestimable benefits which must inevitably
result from carrying the speculations of that learned man into a wider field
from extending his travels and consequently enlarging his sphere of
observation to the advancement of knowledge, and the diffusion of learning
That with the view just mentioned this Association has taken into its
serious consideration a proposal emanating from the aforesaid Samuel Pickwick
Esq GCMPC and three other Pickwickians hereinafter named for forming a
new branch of United Pickwickians under the title of The Corresponding Society
of the Pickwick Club
That the said proposal has received the sanction and approval of this
Association
That the Corresponding Society of the Pickwick Club is therefore hereby
constituted and that Samuel Pickwick Esq GCMPC Tracy Tupman Esq
MPC Augustus Snodgrass Esq MPC and Nathaniel Winkle Esq MPC
are hereby nominated and appointed members of the same and that they be
requested to forward from time to time authenticated accounts of their
journeys and investigations of their observations of character and manners and
of the whole of their adventures together with all tales and papers to which
local scenery or associations may give rise to the Pickwick Club stationed in
London
That this Association cordially recognises the principle of every member of
the Corresponding Society defraying his own travelling expenses and that it
sees no objection whatever to the members of the said society pursuing their
inquiries for any length of time they please upon the same terms
That the members of the aforesaid Corresponding Society be and are hereby
informed that their proposal to pay the postage of their letters and the
carriage of their parcels has been deliberated upon by this Association that
this Association considers such proposal worthy of the great minds from which it
emanated and that it hereby signifies its perfect acquiescence therein«
A casual observer adds the secretary to whose notes we are indebted for
the following account a casual observer might possibly have remarked nothing
extraordinary in the bald head and circular spectacles which were intently
turned towards his the secretarys face during the reading of the above
resolutions to those who knew that the gigantic brain of Pickwick was working
beneath that forehead and that the beaming eyes of Pickwick were twinkling
behind those glasses the sight was indeed an interesting one There sat the man
who had traced to their source the mighty ponds of Hampstead and agitated the
scientific world with his Theory of Tittlebats as calm and unmoved as the deep
waters of the one on a frosty day or as a solitary specimen of the other in the
inmost recesses of an earthen jar And how much more interesting did the
spectacle become when starting into full life and animation as a simultaneous
call for Pickwick burst from his followers that illustrious man slowly mounted
into the Windsor chair on which he had been previously seated and addressed
the club himself had founded What a study for an artist did that exciting scene
present The eloquent Pickwick with one hand gracefully concealed behind his
coat tails and the other waving in air to assist his glowing declamation his
elevated position revealing those tights and gaiters which had they clothed an
ordinary man might have passed without observation but which when Pickwick
clothed them if we may use the expression inspired voluntary awe and
respect surrounded by the men who had volunteered to share the perils of his
travels and who were destined to participate in the glories of his discoveries
On his right hand sat Mr Tracy Tupman the too susceptible Tupman who to the
wisdom and experience of maturer years superadded the enthusiasm and ardour of a
boy in the most interesting and pardonable of human weaknesses love Time and
feeding had expanded that once romantic form the black silk waistcoat had
become more and more developed inch by inch had the gold watchchain beneath it
disappeared from within the range of Tupmans vision and gradually had the
capacious chin encroached upon the borders of the white cravat but the soul of
Tupman had known no change admiration of the fair sex was still its ruling
passion On the left of his great leader sat the poetic Snodgrass and near him
again the sporting Winkle the former poetically enveloped in a mysterious blue
cloak with a canineskin collar and the latter communicating additional lustre
to a new green shooting coat plaid neckerchief and closelyfitted drabs
Mr Pickwicks oration upon this occasion together with the debate thereon
is entered on the Transactions of the Club Both bear a strong affinity to the
discussions of other celebrated bodies and as it is always interesting to
trace a resemblance between the proceedings of great men we transfer the entry
to these pages
»Mr Pickwick observed says the Secretary that fame was dear to the heart
of every man Poetic fame was dear to the heart of his friend Snodgrass the
fame of conquest was equally dear to his friend Tupman and the desire of
earning fame in the sports of the field the air and the water was uppermost
in the breast of his friend Winkle He Mr Pickwick would not deny that he was
influenced by human passions and human feelings cheers possibly by human
weaknesses loud cries of No but this he would say that if ever the fire of
self-importance broke out in his bosom the desire to benefit the human race in
preference effectually quenched it The praise of mankind was his Swing
philanthropy was his insurance office Vehement cheering He had felt some
pride he acknowledged it freely and let his enemies make the most of it he
had felt some pride when he presented his Tittlebatian Theory to the world it
might be celebrated or it might not A cry of It is and great cheering He
would take the assertion of that honourable Pickwickian whose voice he had just
heard it was celebrated but if the fame of that treatise were to extend to
the furthest confines of the known world the pride with which he should reflect
on the authorship of that production would be as nothing compared with the pride
with which he looked around him on this the proudest moment of his existence
Cheers He was a humble individual No no Still he could not but feel that
they had selected him for a service of great honour and of some danger
Travelling was in a troubled state and the minds of coachmen were unsettled
Let them look abroad and contemplate the scenes which were enacting around them
Stage coaches were upsetting in all directions horses were bolting boats were
overturning and boilers were bursting Cheers a voice No No Cheers Let
that honourable Pickwickian who cried No so loudly come forward and deny it if
he could Cheers Who was it that cried No Enthusiastic cheering Was it
some vain and disappointed man he would not say haberdasher loud cheers
who jealous of the praise which had been perhaps undeservedly bestowed on
his Mr Pickwicks researches and smarting under the censure which had been
heaped upon his own feeble attempts at rivalry now took this vile and
calumnious mode of
Mr BLOTTON of Aldgate rose to order Did the honourable Pickwickian
allude to him Cries of Order Chair Yes No Go on Leave off etc
Mr PICKWICK would not put up to be put down by clamour He had alluded to
the honourable gentleman Great excitement
Mr BLOTTON would only say then that he repelled the hon gents false and
scurrilous accusation with profound contempt Great cheering The hon gent
was a humbug Immense confusion and loud cries of Chair and Order
Mr A SNODGRASS rose to order He threw himself upon the chair Hear He
wished to know whether this disgraceful contest between two members of that club
should be allowed to continue Hear hear
The CHAIRMAN was quite sure the hon Pickwickian would withdraw the
expression he had just made use of
Mr BLOTTON with all possible respect for the chair was quite sure he
would not
The CHAIRMAN felt it his imperative duty to demand of the honourable
gentleman whether he had used the expression which had just escaped him in a
common sense
Mr BLOTTON had no hesitation in saying that he had not he had used the
word in its Pickwickian sense Hear hear He was bound to acknowledge that
personally he entertained the highest regard and esteem for the honourable
gentleman he had merely considered him a humbug in a Pickwickian point of view
Hear hear
Mr PICKWICK felt much gratified by the fair candid and full explanation
of his honourable friend He begged it to be at once understood that his own
observations had been merely intended to bear a Pickwickian construction
Cheers«
Here the entry terminates as we have no doubt the debate did also after
arriving at such a highly satisfactory and intelligible point We have no
official statement of the facts which the reader will find recorded in the next
chapter but they have been carefully collated from letters and other MS
authorities so unquestionably genuine as to justify their narration in a
connected form
Chapter II
The First Days Journey and the First Evenings Adventures with Their
Consequences
That punctual servant of all work the sun had just risen and begun to strike
a light on the morning of the thirteenth of May one thousand eight hundred and
twentyseven when Mr Samuel Pickwick burst like another sun from his slumbers
threw open his chamber window and looked out upon the world beneath Goswell
Street was at his feet Goswell Street was on his right hand as far as the eye
could reach Goswell Street extended on his left and the opposite side of
Goswell Street was over the way »Such« thought Mr Pickwick »are the narrow
views of those philosophers who content with examining the things that lie
before them look not to the truths which are hidden beyond As well might I be
content to gaze on Goswell Street for ever without one effort to penetrate to
the hidden countries which on every side surround it« And having given vent to
this beautiful reflection Mr Pickwick proceeded to put himself into his
clothes and his clothes into his portmanteau Great men are seldom over
scrupulous in the arrangement of their attire the operation of shaving
dressing and coffeeimbibing was soon performed and in another hour Mr
Pickwick with his portmanteau in his hand his telescope in his greatcoat
pocket and his notebook in his waistcoat ready for the reception of any
discoveries worthy of being noted down had arrived at the coach stand in St
MartinsleGrand
»Cab« said Mr Pickwick
»Here you are sir« shouted a strange specimen of the human race in a
sackcloth coat and apron of the same who with a brass label and number round
his neck looked as if he were catalogued in some collection of rarities This
was the waterman »Here you are sir Now then fust cab« And the first cab
having been fetched from the publichouse where he had been smoking his first
pipe Mr Pickwick and his portmanteau were thrown into the vehicle
»Golden Cross« said Mr Pickwick
»Only a bobs vorth Tommy« cried the driver sulkily for the information
of his friend the waterman as the cab drove off
»How old is that horse my friend« inquired Mr Pickwick rubbing his nose
with the shilling he had reserved for the fare
»Fortytwo« replied the driver eyeing him askant
»What« ejaculated Mr Pickwick laying his hand upon his notebook The
driver reiterated his former statement Mr Pickwick looked very hard at the
mans face but his features were immovable so he noted down the fact
forthwith
»And how long do you keep him out at a time« inquired Mr Pickwick
searching for further information
»Two or three veeks« replied the man
»Weeks« said Mr Pickwick in astonishment and out came the notebook
again
»He lives at Pentonwil when hes at home« observed the driver coolly »but
we seldom takes him home on account of his veakness«
»On account of his weakness« reiterated the perplexed Mr Pickwick
»He always falls down when hes took out o the cab« continued the driver
»but when hes in it we bears him up werry tight and takes him in werry short
so as he cant werry well fall down and weve got a pair o precious large
wheels on so ven he does move they run after him and he must go on he cant
help it«
Mr Pickwick entered every word of this statement in his notebook with the
view of communicating it to the club as a singular instance of the tenacity of
life in horses under trying circumstances The entry was scarcely completed
when they reached the Golden Cross Down jumped the driver and out got Mr
Pickwick Mr Tupman Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle who had been anxiously
waiting the arrival of their illustrious leader crowded to welcome him
»Heres your fare« said Mr Pickwick holding out the shilling to the
driver
What was the learned mans astonishment when that unaccountable person
flung the money on the pavement and requested in figurative terms to be allowed
the pleasure of fighting him Mr Pickwick for the amount
»You are mad« said Mr Snodgrass
»Or drunk« said Mr Winkle
»Or both« said Mr Tupman
»Come on« said the cabdriver sparring away like clockwork »Come on
all four on you«
»Heres a lark« shouted halfadozen hackney coachmen »Go to vork Sam«
and they crowded with great glee round the party
»Whats the row Sam« inquired one gentleman in black calico sleeves
»Row« replied the cabman »what did he want my number for«
»I didnt want your number« said the astonished Mr Pickwick
»What did you take it for then« inquired the cabman
»I didnt take it« said Mr Pickwick indignantly
»Would any body believe« continued the cabdriver appealing to the crowd
»would any body believe as an informer ud go about in a mans cab not only
takin down his number but evry word he says into the bargain« a light
flashed upon Mr Pickwick it was the notebook
»Did he though« inquired another cabman
»Yes did he« replied the first »and then arter aggerawatin me to assault
him gets three witnesses here to prove it But Ill give it him if Ive six
months for it Come on« and the cabman dashed his hat upon the ground with a
reckless disregard of his own private property and knocked Mr Pickwicks
spectacles off and followed up the attack with a blow on Mr Pickwicks nose
and another on Mr Pickwicks chest and a third in Mr Snodgrasss eye and a
fourth by way of variety in Mr Tupmans waistcoat and then danced into the
road and then back again to the pavement and finally dashed the whole
temporary supply of breath out of Mr Winkles body and all in halfadozen
seconds
»Wheres an officer« said Mr Snodgrass
»Put em under the pump« suggested a hotpieman
»You shall smart for this« gasped Mr Pickwick
»Informers« shouted the crowd
»Come on« cried the cabman who had been sparring without cessation the
whole time
The mob had hitherto been passive spectators of the scene but as the
intelligence of the Pickwickians being informers was spread among them they
began to canvass with considerable vivacity the propriety of enforcing the
heated pastryvendors proposition and there is no saying what acts of personal
aggression they might have committed had not the affray been unexpectedly
terminated by the interposition of a new comer
»Whats the fun« said a rather tall thin young man in a green coat
emerging suddenly from the coach yard
»Informers« shouted the crowd again
»We are not« roared Mr Pickwick in a tone which to any dispassionate
listener carried conviction with it
»Aint you though aint you« said the young man appealing to Mr
Pickwick and making his way through the crowd by the infallible process of
elbowing the countenances of its component members
That learned man in a few hurried words explained the real state of the
case
»Come along then« said he of the green coat lugging Mr Pickwick after
him by main force and talking the whole way »Here No 924 take your fare
and take yourself off respectable gentleman know him well none of your
nonsense this way sir wheres your friends all a mistake I see never
mind accidents will happen best regulated families never say die down
upon your luck pull him up put that in his pipe like the flavour damned
rascals« And with a lengthened string of similar broken sentences delivered
with extraordinary volubility the stranger led the way to the travellers
waitingroom whither he was closely followed by Mr Pickwick and his disciples
»Here waiter« shouted the stranger ringing the bell with tremendous
violence »glasses round brandy and water hot and strong and sweet and
plenty eye damaged sir Waiter raw beefsteak for the gentlemans eye
nothing like raw beefsteak for a bruise sir cold lamppost very good but
lamppost inconvenient damned odd standing in the open street halfanhour
with your eye against a lamppost eh very good ha ha« And the stranger
without stopping to take breath swallowed at a draught full halfapint of the
reeking brandy and water and flung himself into a chair with as much ease as if
nothing uncommon had occurred
While his three companions were busily engaged in proffering their thanks to
their new acquaintance Mr Pickwick had leisure to examine his costume and
appearance
He was about the middle height but the thinness of his body and the length
of his legs gave him the appearance of being much taller The green coat had
been a smart dress garment in the days of swallowtails but had evidently in
those times adorned a much shorter man than the stranger for the soiled and
faded sleeves scarcely reached to his wrists It was buttoned closely up to his
chin at the imminent hazard of splitting the back and an old stock without a
vestige of shirt collar ornamented his neck His scanty black trousers
displayed here and there those shiny patches which bespeak long service and
were strapped very tightly over a pair of patched and mended shoes as if to
conceal the dirty white stockings which were nevertheless distinctly visible
His long black hair escaped in negligent waves from beneath each side of his old
pinched up hat and glimpses of his bare wrists might be observed between the
tops of his gloves and the cuffs of his coat sleeves His face was thin and
haggard but an indescribable air of jaunty impudence and perfect
selfpossession pervaded the whole man
Such was the individual on whom Mr Pickwick gazed through his spectacles
which he had fortunately recovered and to whom he proceeded when his friends
had exhausted themselves to return in chosen terms his warmest thanks for his
recent assistance
»Never mind« said the stranger cutting the address very short »said
enough no more smart chap that cabman handled his fives well but if Id
been your friend in the green jemmy damn me punch his head cod I would
pigs whisper pieman too no gammon«
This coherent speech was interrupted by the entrance of the Rochester
coachman to announce that The Commodore was on the point of starting
»Commodore« said the stranger starting up »my coach place booked
one outside leave you to pay for the brandy and water want change for a
five bad silver Brummagem buttons wont do no go eh« and he shook
his head most knowingly
Now it so happened that Mr Pickwick and his three companions had resolved
to make Rochester their first halting place too and having intimated to their
newfound acquaintance that they were journeying to the same city they agreed
to occupy the seat at the back of the coach where they could all sit together
»Up with you« said the stranger assisting Mr Pickwick on to the roof with
so much precipitation as to impair the gravity of that gentlemans deportment
very materially
»Any luggage sir« inquired the coachman
»Who I Brown paper parcel here thats all other luggage gone by
water packing cases nailed up big as houses heavy heavy damned heavy«
replied the stranger as he forced into his pocket as much as he could of the
brown paper parcel which presented most suspicious indications of containing
one shirt and a handkerchief
»Heads heads take care of your heads« cried the loquacious stranger as
they came out under the low archway which in those days formed the entrance to
the coachyard »Terrible place dangerous work other day five children
mother tall lady eating sandwiches forgot the arch crash knock
children look round mothers head off sandwich in her hand no mouth to put
it in head of a family off shocking shocking Looking at Whitehall sir
fine place little window somebody elses head off there eh sir he
didnt keep a sharp lookout enough either eh sir eh«
»I am ruminating« said Mr Pickwick »on the strange mutability of human
affairs«
»Ah I see in at the palace door one day out at the window the next
Philosopher sir«
»An observer of human nature sir« said Mr Pickwick
»Ah so am I Most people are when theyve little to do and less to get
Poet sir«
»My friend Mr Snodgrass has a strong poetic turn« said Mr Pickwick
»So have I« said the stranger »Epic poem ten thousand lines
revolution of July composed it on the spot Mars by day Apollo by night
bang the fieldpiece twang the lyre«
»You were present at that glorious scene sir« said Mr Snodgrass
»Present think I was3 fired a musket fired with an idea rushed into
wine shop wrote it down back again whiz bang another idea wine shop
again pen and ink back again cut and slash noble time sir Sportsman
sir« abruptly turning to Mr Winkle
»A little sir« replied that gentleman
»Fine pursuit sir fine pursuit Dogs sir«
»Not just now« said Mr Winkle
»Ah you should keep dogs fine animals sagacious creatures dog of my
own once Pointer surprising instinct out shooting one day entering
enclosure whistled dog stopped whistled again Ponto no go stock still
called him Ponto Ponto wouldnt move dog transfixed staring at a
board looked up saw an inscription Gamekeeper has orders to shoot all dogs
found in this enclosure wouldnt pass it wonderful dog valuable dog that
very«
»Singular circumstance that« said Mr Pickwick »Will you allow me to make
a note of it«
»Certainly sir certainly hundred more anecdotes of the same animal
Fine girl sir« to Mr Tracy Tupman who had been bestowing sundry
antiPickwickian glances on a young lady by the roadside
»Very« said Mr Tupman
»English girls not so fine as Spanish noble creatures jet hair black
eyes lovely forms sweet creatures beautiful«
»You have been in Spain sir« said Mr Tracy Tupman
»Lived there ages«
»Many conquests sir« inquired Mr Tupman
»Conquests Thousands Don Bolaro Fizzgig Grandee only daughter Donna
Christina splendid creature loved me to distraction jealous father
highsouled daughter handsome Englishman Donna Christina in despair
prussic acid stomach pump in my portmanteau operation performed old Bolaro
in ecstasies consent to our union join hands and floods of tears romantic
story very«
»Is the lady in England now sir« inquired Mr Tupman on whom the
description of her charms had produced a powerful impression
»Dead sir dead« said the stranger applying to his right eye the brief
remnant of a very old cambric handkerchief »Never recovered the stomach pump
undermined constitution fell a victim«
»And her father« inquired the poetic Snodgrass
»Remorse and misery« replied the stranger »Sudden disappearance talk of
the whole city search made everywhere without success public fountain in
the great square suddenly ceased playing weeks elapsed still a stoppage
workmen employed to clean it water drawn off fatherinlaw discovered
sticking head first in the main pipe with a full confession in his right boot
took him out and the fountain played away again as well as ever«
»Will you allow me to note that little romance down sir« said Mr
Snodgrass deeply affected
»Certainly sir certainly fifty more if you like to hear em strange
life mine rather curious history not extraordinary but singular«
In this strain with an occasional glass of ale by way of parenthesis when
the coach changed horses did the stranger proceed until they reached Rochester
bridge by which time the notebooks both of Mr Pickwick and Mr Snodgrass
were completely filled with selections from his adventures
»Magnificent ruin« said Mr Augustus Snodgrass with all the poetic fervour
that distinguished him when they came in sight of the fine old castle
»What a study for an antiquarian« were the very words which fell from Mr
Pickwicks mouth as he applied his telescope to his eye
»Ah fine place« said the stranger »glorious pile frowning walls
tottering arches dark nooks crumbling staircases Old cathedral too
earthy smell pilgrims feet worn away the old steps little Saxon doors
confessionals like moneytakers boxes at theatres queer customers those monks
Popes and Lord Treasurers and all sorts of old fellows with great red
faces and broken noses turning up every day buff jerkins too matchlocks
Sarcophagus fine place old legends too strange stories capital« and the
stranger continued to soliloquise until they reached the Bull Inn in the High
Street where the coach stopped
»Do you remain here sir« inquired Mr Nathaniel Winkle
»Here not I but youd better good house nice beds Wrights next
house dear very dear halfacrown in the bill if you look at the waiter
charge you more if you dine at a friends than they would if you dined in the
coffeeroom rum fellows very«
Mr Winkle turned to Mr Pickwick and murmured a few words a whisper
passed from Mr Pickwick to Mr Snodgrass from Mr Snodgrass to Mr Tupman and
nods of assent were exchanged Mr Pickwick addressed the stranger
»You rendered us a very important service this morning sir« said he »will
you allow us to offer a slight mark of our gratitude by begging the favour of
your company at dinner«
»Great pleasure not presume to dictate but broiled fowl and mushrooms
capital thing what time«
»Let me see« replied Mr Pickwick referring to his watch »it is now
nearly three Shall we say five«
»Suit me excellently« said the stranger »five precisely till then care
of yourselves« and lifting the pinchedup hat a few inches from his head and
carelessly replacing it very much on one side the stranger with half the brown
paper parcel sticking out of his pocket walked briskly up the yard and turned
into the High Street
»Evidently a traveller in many countries and a close observer of men and
things« said Mr Pickwick
»I should like to see his poem« said Mr Snodgrass
»I should like to have seen that dog« said Mr Winkle
Mr Tupman said nothing but he thought of Donna Christina the stomach
pump and the fountain and his eyes filled with tears
A private sittingroom having been engaged bedrooms inspected and dinner
ordered the party walked out to view the city and adjoining neigbourhood
We do not find from a careful perusal of Mr Pickwicks notes on the four
towns Stroud Rochester Chatham and Brompton that his impressions of their
appearance differ in any material point from those of other travellers who have
gone over the same ground His general description is easily abridged
»The principal productions of these towns« says Mr Pickwick »appear to be
soldiers sailors Jews chalk shrimps officers and dockyard men The
commodities chiefly exposed for sale in the public streets are marine stores
hardbake apples flatfish and oysters The streets present a lively and
animated appearance occasioned chiefly by the conviviality of the military It
is truly delightful to a philanthropic mind to see these gallant men staggering
along under the influence of an overflow both of animal and ardent spirits
more especially when we remember that the following them about and jesting with
them affords a cheap and innocent amusement for the boy population Nothing
adds Mr Pickwick can exceed their good humour It was but the day before my
arrival that one of them had been most grossly insulted in the house of a
publican The barmaid had positively refused to draw him any more liquor in
return for which he had merely in playfulness drawn his bayonet and wounded
the girl in the shoulder And yet this fine fellow was the very first to go down
to the house next morning and express his readiness to overlook the matter and
forget what had occurred
The consumption of tobacco in these towns continues Mr Pickwick must be
very great and the smell which pervades the streets must be exceedingly
delicious to those who are extremely fond of smoking A superficial traveller
might object to the dirt which is their leading characteristic but to those who
view it as an indication of traffic and commercial prosperity it is truly
gratifying«
Punctual to five oclock came the stranger and shortly afterwards the
dinner He had divested himself of his brown paper parcel but had made no
alteration in his attire and was if possible more loquacious than ever
»Whats that« he inquired as the waiter removed one of the covers
»Soles sir«
»Soles ah capital fish all come from London stagecoach proprietors
get up political dinners carriage of soles dozens of baskets cunning
fellows Glass of wine sir«
»With pleasure« said Mr Pickwick and the stranger took wine first with
him and then with Mr Snodgrass and then with Mr Tupman and then with Mr
Winkle and then with the whole party together almost as rapidly as he talked
»Devil of a mess on the staircase waiter« said the stranger »Forms going
up carpenters coming down lamps glasses harps Whats going forward«
»Ball sir« said the waiter
»Assembly eh«
»No sir not Assembly sir Ball for the benefit of a charity sir«
»Many fine women in this town do you know sir« inquired Mr Tupman with
great interest
»Splendid capital Kent sir everybody knows Kent apples cherries
hops and women Glass of wine sir«
»With great pleasure« replied Mr Tupman The stranger filled and emptied
»I should very much like to go« said Mr Tupman resuming the subject of
the ball »very much«
»Tickets at the bar sir« interposed the waiter »halfaguinea each sir«
Mr Tupman again expressed an earnest wish to be present at the festivity
but meeting with no response in the darkened eye of Mr Snodgrass or the
abstracted gaze of Mr Pickwick he applied himself with great interest to the
port wine and dessert which had just been placed on the table The waiter
withdrew and the party were left to enjoy the cosy couple of hours succeeding
dinner
»Beg your pardon sir« said the stranger »bottle stands pass it round
way of the sun through the buttonhole no heeltaps« and he emptied his
glass which he had filled about two minutes before and poured out another
with the air of a man who was used to it
The wine was passed and a fresh supply ordered The visitor talked the
Pickwickians listened Mr Tupman felt every moment more disposed for the ball
Mr Pickwicks countenance glowed with an expression of universal philanthropy
and Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass fell fast asleep
»Theyre beginning upstairs« said the stranger »hear the company
fiddles tuning now the harp there they go« The various sounds which found
their way downstairs announced the commencement of the first quadrille
»How I should like to go« said Mr Tupman again
»So should I« said the stranger »confounded luggage heavy smacks
nothing to go in odd aint it«
Now general benevolence was one of the leading features of the Pickwickian
theory and no one was more remarkable for the zealous manner in which he
observed so noble a principle than Mr Tracy Tupman The number of instances,
recorded on the Transactions of the Society in which that excellent man
referred objects of charity to the houses of other members for leftoff garments
or pecuniary relief is almost incredible
»I should be very happy to lend you a change of apparel for the purpose«
said Mr Tracy Tupman »but you are rather slim and I am «
»Rather fat grown up Bacchus cut the leaves dismounted from the tub
and adopted kersey eh not double distilled but double milled ha ha pass
the wine«
Whether Mr Tupman was somewhat indignant at the peremptory tone in which he
was desired to pass the wine which the stranger passed so quickly away or
whether he felt very properly scandalised at an influential member of the
Pickwick club being ignominiously compared to a dismounted Bacchus is a fact
not yet completely ascertained He passed the wine coughed twice and looked at
the stranger for several seconds with a stern intensity as that individual
however appeared perfectly collected and quite calm under his searching
glance he gradually relaxed and reverted to the subject of the ball
»I was about to observe sir« he said »that though my apparel would be too
large a suit of my friend Mr Winkles would perhaps fit you better«
The stranger took Mr Winkles measure with his eye and that feature
glistened with satisfaction as he said »just the thing«
Mr Tupman looked round him The wine which had exerted its somniferous
influence over Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle had stolen upon the senses of Mr
Pickwick That gentleman had gradually passed through the various stages which
precede the lethargy produced by dinner and its consequences He had undergone
the ordinary transitions from the height of conviviality to the depth of misery
and from the depth of misery to the height of conviviality Like a gas lamp in
the street with the wind in the pipe he had exhibited for a moment an
unnatural brilliancy then sunk so low as to be scarcely discernible after a
short interval he had burst out again to enlighten for a moment then flickered
with an uncertain staggering sort of light and then gone out altogether His
head was sunk upon his bosom and perpetual snoring with a partial choke
occasionally were the only audible indications of the great mans presence
The temptation to be present at the ball and to form his first impressions
of the beauty of the Kentish ladies was strong upon Mr Tupman The temptation
to take the stranger with him was equally great He was wholly unacquainted with
the place and its inhabitants and the stranger seemed to possess as great a
knowledge of both as if he had lived there from his infancy Mr Winkle was
asleep and Mr Tupman had had sufficient experience in such matters to know
that the moment he awoke he would in the ordinary course of nature, roll
heavily to bed He was undecided »Fill your glass and pass the wine« said the
indefatigable visitor
Mr Tupman did as he was requested and the additional stimulus of the last
glass settled his determination
»Winkles bedroom is inside mine« said Mr Tupman »I couldnt make him
understand what I wanted if I woke him now but I know he has a dress suit in
a carpetbag and supposing you wore it to the ball and took it off when we
returned I could replace it without troubling him at all about the matter«
»Capital« said the stranger »famous plan damned odd situation fourteen
coats in the packing cases and obliged to wear another mans very good
notion that very«
»We must purchase our tickets« said Mr Tupman
»Not worth while splitting a guinea« said the stranger »toss who shall pay
for both I call you spin first time woman woman bewitching woman«
and down came the sovereign with the Dragon called by courtesy a woman
uppermost
Mr Tupman rang the bell purchased the tickets and ordered chamber
candlesticks In another quarter of an hour the stranger was completely arrayed
in a full suit of Mr Nathaniel Winkles
»Its a new coat« said Mr Tupman as the stranger surveyed himself with
great complacency in a cheval glass »the first thats been made with our club
button« and he called his companions attention to the large gilt button which
displayed a bust of Mr Pickwick in the centre and the letters PC on either
side
»PC« said the stranger »queer set out old fellows likeness and PC
What does PC stand for Peculiar coat eh«
Mr Tupman with rising indignation and great importance explained the
mystic device
»Rather short in the waist ant it« said the stranger screwing himself
round to catch a glimpse in the glass of the waist buttons which were half way
up his back »Like a general postmans coat queer coats those made by
contract no measuring mysterious dispensations of Providence all the short
men get long coats all the long men short ones« Running on in this way Mr
Tupmans new companion adjusted his dress or rather the dress of Mr Winkle
and accompanied by Mr Tupman ascended the staircase leading to the ballroom
»What names sir« said the man at the door Mr Tracy Tupman was stepping
forward to announce his own titles when the stranger prevented him
»No names at all« and then he whispered Mr Tupman »Names wont do not
known very good names in their way but not great ones capital names for a
small party but wont make an impression in public assemblies incog the
thing Gentlemen from London distinguished foreigners anything« The door
was thrown open and Mr Tracy Tupman and the stranger entered the ballroom
It was a long room with crimsoncovered benches and wax candles in glass
chandeliers The musicians were securely confined in an elevated den and
quadrilles were being systematically got through by two or three sets of
dancers Two cardtables were made up in the adjoining cardroom and two pair
of old ladies and a corresponding number of stout gentlemen were executing
whist therein
The finale concluded the dancers promenaded the room and Mr Tupman and
his companion stationed themselves in a corner to observe the company
»Wait a minute« said the stranger »fun presently nobs not come yet
queer place Dockyard people of upper rank dont know Dockyard people of
lower rank Dockyard people of lower rank dont know small gentry small
gentry dont know tradespeople Commissioner dont know anybody«
»Whos that little boy with the light hair and pink eyes in a fancy dress«
inquired Mr Tupman
»Hush pray pink eyes fancy dress little boy nonsense Ensign 97th
Honourable Wilmot Snipe great family Snipes very«
»Sir Thomas Clubber Lady Clubber and the Miss Clubbers« shouted the man
at the door in a stentorian voice A great sensation was created throughout the
room by the entrance of a tall gentleman in a blue coat and bright buttons a
large lady in blue satin and two young ladies on a similar scale in
fashionablymade dresses of the same hue
»Commissioner head of the yard great man remarkably great man«
whispered the stranger in Mr Tupmans ear as the charitable committee ushered
Sir Thomas Clubber and family to the top of the room The Honourable Wilmot
Snipe and other distinguished gentlemen crowded to render homage to the Miss
Clubbers and Sir Thomas Clubber stood bolt upright and looked majestically
over his black neckerchief at the assembled company
»Mr Smithie Mrs Smithie and the Misses Smithie« was the next
announcement
»Whats Mr Smithie« inquired Mr Tracy Tupman
»Something in the yard« replied the stranger Mr Smithie bowed
deferentially to Sir Thomas Clubber and Sir Thomas Clubber acknowledged the
salute with conscious condescension Lady Clubber took a telescopic view of Mrs
Smithie and family through her eyeglass and Mrs Smithie stared in her turn at
Mrs Somebody else whose husband was not in the Dockyard at all
»Colonel Bulder Mrs Colonel Bulder and Miss Bulder« were the next
arrivals
»Head of the Garrison« said the stranger in reply to Mr Tupmans
inquiring look
Miss Bulder was warmly welcomed by the Miss Clubbers the greeting between
Mrs Colonel Bulder and Lady Clubber was of the most affectionate description
Colonel Bulder and Sir Thomas Clubber exchanged snuffboxes and looked very
much like a pair of Alexander Selkirks »Monarchs of all they surveyed«
While the aristocracy of the place the Bulders and Clubbers and Snipes
were thus preserving their dignity at the upper end of the room the other
classes of society were imitating their example in other parts of it The less
aristocratic officers of the 97th devoted themselves to the families of the less
important functionaries from the Dockyard The solicitors wives and the
winemerchants wife headed another grade the brewers wife visited the
Bulders and Mrs Tomlinson the postoffice keeper seemed by mutual consent
to have been chosen the leader of the trade party
One of the most popular personages in his own circle present was a little
fat man with a ring of upright black hair round his head and an extensive bald
plain on the top of it Doctor Slammer surgeon to the 97th The Doctor took
snuff with everybody chatted with everybody laughed danced made jokes
played whist did everything and was everywhere To these pursuits
multifarious as they were the little Doctor added a more important one than any
he was indefatigable in paying the most unremitting and devoted attention to a
little old widow whose rich dress and profusion of ornament bespoke her a most
desirable addition to a limited income
Upon the Doctor and the widow the eyes of both Mr Tupman and his
companion had been fixed for some time when the stranger broke silence
»Lots of money old girl pompous Doctor not a bad idea good fun«
were the intelligible sentences which issued from his lips Mr Tupman looked
inquisitively in his face
»Ill dance with the widow« said the stranger
»Who is she« inquired Mr Tupman
»Dont know never saw her in all my life cut out the Doctor here
goes« And the stranger forthwith crossed the room and leaning against a
mantelpiece commenced gazing with an air of respectful and melancholy
admiration on the fat countenance of the little old lady Mr Tupman looked on
in mute astonishment The stranger progressed rapidly the little Doctor danced
with another lady the widow dropped her fan the stranger picked it up and
presented it a smile a bow a curtsey a few words of conversation The
stranger walked boldly up to and returned with the master of the ceremonies a
little introductory pantomime and the stranger and Mrs Budger took their
places in a quadrille
The surprise of Mr Tupman at this summary proceeding great as it was was
immeasurably exceeded by the astonishment of the Doctor The stranger was young
and the widow was flattered The Doctors attentions were unheeded by the widow
and the Doctors indignation was wholly lost on his imperturbable rival Doctor
Slammer was paralysed He Doctor Slammer of the 97th to be extinguished in a
moment by a man whom nobody had ever seen before and whom nobody knew even
now Doctor Slammer Doctor Slammer of the 97th rejected Impossible It could
not be Yes it was there they were What introducing his friend Could he
believe his eyes He looked again and was under the painful necessity of
admitting the veracity of his optics Mrs Budger was dancing with Mr Tracy
Tupman there was no mistaking the fact There was the widow before him
bouncing bodily here and there with unwonted vigour and Mr Tracy Tupman
hopping about with a face expressive of the most intense solemnity dancing as
a good many people do as if a quadrille were not a thing to be laughed at but
a severe trial to the feelings which it requires inflexible resolution to
encounter
Silently and patiently did the Doctor bear all this and all the handings of
negus and watching for glasses and darting for biscuits and coquetting that
ensued but a few seconds after the stranger had disappeared to lead Mrs
Budger to her carriage he darted swiftly from the room with every particle of
his hithertobottledup indignation effervescing from all parts of his
countenance in a perspiration of passion
The stranger was returning and Mr Tupman was beside him He spoke in a low
tone and laughed The little Doctor thirsted for his life He was exulting He
had triumphed
»Sir« said the Doctor in an awful voice producing a card and retiring
into an angle of the passage »my name is Slammer Doctor Slammer sir 97th
Regiment Chatham Barracks my card sir my card« He would have added more
but his indignation choked him
»Ah« replied the stranger coolly »Slammer much obliged polite
attention not ill now Slammer but when I am knock you up«
»You youre a shuffler sir« gasped the furious Doctor »a poltroon a
coward a liar a a will nothing induce you to give me your card sir«
»Oh I see« said the stranger half aside »negus too strong here liberal
landlord very foolish very lemonade much better hot rooms elderly
gentlemen suffer for it in the morning cruel cruel« and he moved on a
step or two
»You are stopping in this house sir« said the indignant little man »you
are intoxicated now sir you shall hear from me in the morning sir I shall
find you out sir I shall find you out«
»Rather you found me out than found me at home« replied the unmoved
stranger
Doctor Slammer looked unutterable ferocity as he fixed his hat on his head
with an indignant knock and the stranger and Mr Tupman ascended to the bedroom
of the latter to restore the borrowed plumage to the unconscious Winkle
That gentleman was fast asleep the restoration was soon made The stranger
was extremely jocose and Mr Tracy Tupman being quite bewildered with wine
negus lights and ladies thought the whole affair an exquisite joke His new
friend departed and after experiencing some slight difficulty in finding the
orifice in his nightcap originally intended for the reception of his head and
finally overturning his candlestick in his struggles to put it on Mr Tracy
Tupman managed to get into bed by a series of complicated evolutions and
shortly afterwards sank into repose
Seven oclock had hardly ceased striking on the following morning when Mr
Pickwicks comprehensive mind was aroused from the state of unconsciousness in
which slumber had plunged it by a loud knocking at his chamber door
»Whos there« said Mr Pickwick starting up in bed
»Boots sir«
»What do you want«
»Please sir can you tell me which gentleman of your party wears a bright
blue dress coat with a gilt button with PC on it«
»Its been given out to brush« thought Mr Pickwick »and the man has
forgotten whom it belongs to Mr Winkle« he called out »next room but two
on the right hand«
»Thankee sir« said the Boots and away he went
»Whats the matter« cried Mr Tupman as a loud knocking at his door roused
him from his oblivious repose
»Can I speak to Mr Winkle sir« replied the Boots from the outside
»Winkle Winkle« shouted Mr Tupman calling into the inner room
»Hallo« replied a faint voice from within the bedclothes
»Youre wanted some one at the door « and having exerted himself to
articulate thus much Mr Tracy Tupman turned round and fell fast asleep again
»Wanted« said Mr Winkle hastily jumping out of bed and putting on a few
articles of clothing »wanted at this distance from town who on earth can
want me«
»Gentleman in the coffeeroom sir« replied the Boots as Mr Winkle opened
the door and confronted him »gentleman says hell not detain you a moment
sir but he can take no denial«
»Very odd« said Mr Winkle »Ill be down directly«
He hurriedly wrapped himself in a travellingshawl and dressinggown and
proceeded downstairs An old woman and a couple of waiters were cleaning the
coffeeroom and an officer in undress uniform was looking out of the window He
turned round as Mr Winkle entered and made a stiff inclination of the head
Having ordered the attendants to retire and closed the door very carefully he
said »Mr Winkle I presume«
»My name is Winkle sir«
»You will not be surprised sir when I inform you that I have called here
this morning on behalf of my friend Dr Slammer of the Ninetyseventh«
»Doctor Slammer« said Mr Winkle
»Doctor Slammer He begged me to express his opinion that your conduct of
last evening was of a description which no gentleman could endure and he
added which no one gentleman would pursue towards another«
Mr Winkles astonishment was too real and too evident to escape the
observation of Dr Slammers friend he therefore proceeded »My friend Doctor
Slammer requested me to add that he was firmly persuaded you were intoxicated
during a portion of the evening and possibly unconscious of the extent of the
insult you were guilty of He commissioned me to say that should this be
pleaded as an excuse for your behaviour he will consent to accept a written
apology to be penned by you from my dictation«
»A written apology« repeated Mr Winkle in tine most emphatic tone of
amazement possible
»Of course you know the alternative« replied the visitor coolly
»Were you entrusted with this message to me by name« inquired Mr Winkle
whose intellects were hopelessly confused by this extraordinary conversation
»I was not present myself« replied the visitor »and in consequence of your
firm refusal to give your card to Doctor Slammer I was desired by that
gentleman to identify the wearer of a very uncommon coat a bright blue dress
coat with a gilt button displaying a bust and the letters PC«
Mr Winkle actually staggered with astonishment as he heard his own costume
thus minutely described Dr Slammers friend proceeded »From the inquiries I
made at the bar just now I was convinced that the owner of the coat in
question arrived here with three gentlemen yesterday afternoon I immediately
sent up to the gentleman who was described as appearing the head of the party
and he at once referred me to you«
If the principal tower of Rochester Castle had suddenly walked from its
foundation and stationed itself opposite the coffeeroom window Mr Winkles
surprise would have been as nothing compared with the profound astonishment with
which he had heard this address His first impression was that his coat had
been stolen »Will you allow me to detain you one moment« said he
»Certainly« replied the unwelcome visitor
Mr Winkle ran hastily upstairs and with a trembling hand opened the bag
There was the coat in its usual place but exhibiting on a close inspection
evident tokens of having been worn on the preceding night
»It must be so« said Mr Winkle letting the coat fall from his hands »I
took too much wine after dinner and have a very vague recollection of walking
about the streets and smoking a cigar afterwards The fact is I was very drunk
I must have changed my coat gone somewhere and insulted somebody I have
no doubt of it and this message is the terrible consequence« Saying which Mr
Winkle retraced his steps in the direction of the coffeeroom with the gloomy
and dreadful resolve of accepting the challenge of the warlike Doctor Slammer
and abiding by the worst consequences that might ensue
To this determination Mr Winkle was urged by a variety of considerations
the first of which was his reputation with the club He had always been looked
up to as a high authority on all matters of amusement and dexterity whether
offensive defensive or inoffensive and if on this very first occasion of
being put to the test he shrunk back from the trial beneath his leaders eye
his name and standing were lost for ever Besides he remembered to have heard
it frequently surmised by the uninitiated in such matters that by an understood
arrangement between the seconds the pistols were seldom loaded with ball and
furthermore he reflected that if he applied to Mr Snodgrass to act as his
second and depicted the danger in glowing terms that gentleman might possibly
communicate the intelligence to Mr Pickwick who would certainly lose no time
in transmitting it to the local authorities and thus prevent the killing or
maiming of his follower
Such were his thoughts when he returned to the coffeeroom and intimated
his intention of accepting the Doctors challenge
»Will you refer me to a friend to arrange the time and place of meeting«
said the officer
»Quite unnecessary« replied Mr Winkle »name them to me and I can procure
the attendance of a friend afterwards«
»Shall we say sunset this evening« inquired the officer in a careless
tone
»Very good« replied Mr Winkle thinking in his heart it was very bad
»You know Fort Pitt«
»Yes I saw it yesterday«
»If you will take the trouble to turn into the field which borders the
trench take the footpath to the left when you arrive at an angle of the
fortification and keep straight on till you see me I will precede you to a
secluded place where the affair can be conducted without fear of interruption«
»Fear of interruption« thought Mr Winkle
»Nothing more to arrange I think« said the officer
»I am not aware of anything more« replied Mr Winkle »Good morning«
»Good morning« and the officer whistled a lively air as he strode away
That mornings breakfast passed heavily off Mr Tupman was not in a
condition to rise after the unwonted dissipation of the previous night Mr
Snodgrass appeared to labour under a poetical depression of spirits and even
Mr Pickwick evinced an unusual attachment to silence and sodawater Mr Winkle
eagerly watched his opportunity it was not long wanting Mr Snodgrass proposed
a visit to the castle and as Mr Winkle was the only other member of the party
disposed to walk they went out together
»Snodgrass« said Mr Winkle when they had turned out of the public street
»Snodgrass my dear fellow can I rely upon your secrecy« As he said this he
most devoutly and earnestly hoped he could not
»You can« replied Mr Snodgrass »Hear me swear «
»No no« interrupted Winkle terrified at the idea of his companions
unconsciously pledging himself not to give information »dont swear dont
swear its quite unnecessary«
Mr Snodgrass dropped the hand which he had in the spirit of poesy raised
towards the clouds as he made the above appeal and assumed an attitude of
attention
»I want your assistance my dear fellow in an affair of honour« said Mr
Winkle
»You shall have it« replied Mr Snodgrass clasping his friends hand
»With a Doctor Doctor Slammer of the Ninetyseventh« said Mr Winkle
wishing to make the matter appear as solemn as possible »an affair with an
officer seconded by another officer at sunset this evening in a lonely field
beyond Fort Pitt«
»I will attend you« said Mr Snodgrass
He was astonished but by no means dismayed It is extraordinary how cool
any party but the principal can be in such cases Mr Winkle had forgotten this
He had judged of his friends feelings by his own
»The consequences may be dreadful« said Mr Winkle
»I hope not« said Mr Snodgrass
»The Doctor I believe is a very good shot« said Mr Winkle
»Most of these military men are« observed Mr Snodgrass calmly »but so
are you ant you«
Mr Winkle replied in the affirmative and perceiving that he had not
alarmed his companion sufficiently changed his ground
»Snodgrass« he said in a voice tremulous with emotion »if I fall you
will find in a packet which I shall place in your hands a note for my for my
father«
This attack was a failure also Mr Snodgrass was affected but he undertook
the delivery of the note as readily as if he had been a Twopenny Postman
»If I fall« said Mr Winkle »or if the Doctor falls you my dear friend
will be tried as an accessory before the fact Shall I involve my friend in
transportation possibly for life«
Mr Snodgrass winced a little at this but his heroism was invincible »In
the cause of friendship« he fervently exclaimed »I would brave all dangers«
How Mr Winkle cursed his companions devoted friendship internally as they
walked silently along side by side for some minutes each immersed in his own
meditations The morning was wearing away he grew desperate
»Snodgrass« he said stopping suddenly »do not let me be baulked in this
matter do not give information to the local authorities do not obtain the
assistance of several peace officers to take either me or Doctor Slammer of
the Ninetyseventh Regiment at present quartered in Chatham Barracks into
custody and thus prevent this duel I say do not«
Mr Snodgrass seized his friends hand warmly as he enthusiastically
replied »Not for worlds«
A thrill passed over Mr Winkles frame as the conviction that he had
nothing to hope from his friends fears and that he was destined to become an
animated target rushed forcibly upon him
The state of the case having been formally explained to Mr Snodgrass and a
case of satisfaction pistols with the satisfactory accompaniments of powder
ball and caps having been hired from a manufacturer in Rochester the two
friends returned to their inn Mr Winkle to ruminate on the approaching
struggle and Mr Snodgrass to arrange the weapons of war and put them into
proper order for immediate use
It was a dull and heavy evening when they again sallied forth on their
awkward errand Mr Winkle was muffled up in a huge cloak to escape observation
and Mr Snodgrass bore under his the instruments of destruction
»Have you got everything« said Mr Winkle in an agitated tone
»Evrything« replied Mr Snodgrass »plenty of ammunition in case the
shots dont take effect Theres a quarter of a pound of powder in the case and
I have got two newspapers in my pocket for the loadings«
These were instances of friendship for which any man might reasonably feel
most grateful The presumption is that the gratitude of Mr Winkle was too
powerful for utterance as he said nothing but continued to walk on rather
slowly
»We are in excellent time« said Mr Snodgrass as they climbed the fence of
the first field »the sun is just going down« Mr Winkle looked up at the
declining orb and painfully thought of the probability of his going down
himself before long
»Theres the officer« exclaimed Mr Winkle after a few minutes walking
»Where« said Mr Snodgrass
»There the gentleman in the blue cloak« Mr Snodgrass looked in the
direction indicated by the forefinger of his friend and observed a figure
muffled up as he had described The officer evinced his consciousness of their
presence by slightly beckoning with his hand and the two friends followed him
at a little distance as he walked away
The evening grew more dull every moment and a melancholy wind sounded
through the deserted fields like a distant giant whistling for his housedog
The sadness of the scene imparted a sombre tinge to the feelings of Mr Winkle
He started as they passed the angle of the trench it looked like a colossal
grave
The officer turned suddenly from the path and after climbing a paling and
scaling a hedge entered a secluded field Two gentlemen were waiting in it one
was a little fat man with black hair and the other a portly personage in a
braided surtout was sitting with perfect equanimity on a campstool
»The other party and a surgeon I suppose« said Mr Snodgrass »take a
drop of brandy« Mr Winkle seized the wicker bottle which his friend proffered
and took a lengthened pull at the exhilarating liquid
»My friend sir Mr Snodgrass« said Mr Winkle as the officer approached
Doctor Slammers friend bowed and produced a case similar to that which Mr
Snodgrass carried
»We have nothing farther to say sir I think« he coldly remarked as he
opened the cases; »an apology has been resolutely declined«
»Nothing sir« said Mr Snodgrass who began to feel rather uncomfortable
himself
»Will you step forward« said the officer
»Certainly« replied Mr Snodgrass The ground was measured and
preliminaries arranged
»You will find these better than your own« said the opposite second
producing his pistols »You saw me load them Do you object to use them«
»Certainly not« replied Mr Snodgrass The offer relieved him from
considerable embarrassment for his previous notions of loading a pistol were
rather vague and undefined
»We may place our men then I think« observed the officer with as much
indifference as if the principals were chessmen and the seconds players
»I think we may« replied Mr Snodgrass who would have assented to any
proposition because he knew nothing about the matter The officer crossed to
Doctor Slammer and Mr Snodgrass went up to Mr Winkle
»Its all ready« he said offering the pistol »Give me your cloak«
»You have got the packet my dear fellow« said poor Winkle
»All right« said Mr Snodgrass »Be steady and wing him«
It occurred to Mr Winkle that this advice was very like that which
bystanders invariably give to the smallest boy in a street fight namely »Go
in and win« an admirable thing to recommend if you only know how to do it
He took off his cloak however in silence it always took a long time to undo
that cloak and accepted the pistol The seconds retired the gentleman on the
campstool did the same and the belligerents approached each other
Mr Winkle was always remarkable for extreme humanity It is conjectured
that his unwillingness to hurt a fellowcreature intentionally was the cause of
his shutting his eyes when he arrived at the fatal spot and that the
circumstance of his eyes being closed prevented his observing the very
extraordinary and unaccountable demeanour of Doctor Slammer That gentleman
started stared retreated rubbed his eyes stared again and finally shouted
»Stop stop«
»Whats all this« said Doctor Slammer as his friend and Mr Snodgrass came
running up »Thats not the man«
»Not the man« said Dr Slammers second
»Not the man« said Mr Snodgrass
»Not the man« said the gentleman with the campstool in his hand
»Certainly not« replied the little Doctor »Thats not the person who
insulted me last night«
»Very extraordinary« exclaimed the officer
»Very« said the gentleman with the campstool »The only question is
whether the gentleman being on the ground must not be considered, as a matter
of form to be the individual who insulted our friend Doctor Slammer yesterday
evening whether he is really that individual or not« and having delivered this
suggestion with a very sage and mysterious air the man with the campstool
took a large pinch of snuff and looked profoundly round with the air of an
authority in such matters
Now Mr Winkle had opened his eyes and his ears too when he heard his
adversary call out for a cessation of hostilities and perceiving by what he had
afterwards said that there was beyond all question some mistake in the
matter he at once foresaw the increase of reputation he should inevitably
acquire by concealing the real motive of his coming out he therefore stepped
boldly forward and said
»I am not the person I know it«
»Then that« said the man with the campstool »is an affront to Dr
Slammer and a sufficient reason for proceeding immediately«
»Pray be quiet Payne« said the Doctors second »Why did you not
communicate this fact to me this morning sir«
»To be sure to be sure« said the man with the campstool indignantly
»I entreat you to be quiet Payne« said the other »May I repeat my
question sir«
»Because sir« replied Mr Winkle who had had time to deliberate upon his
answer »because sir you described an intoxicated and ungentlemanly person as
wearing a coat which I have the honour not only to wear but to have invented
the proposed uniform sir of the Pickwick Club in London The honour of that
uniform I feel bound to maintain and I therefore without inquiry accepted the
challenge which you offered me«
»My dear sir« said the goodhumoured little Doctor advancing with extended
hand »I honour your gallantry Permit me to say sir that I highly admire your
conduct and extremely regret having caused you the inconvenience of this
meeting to no purpose«
»I beg you wont mention it sir« said Mr Winkle
»I shall feel proud of your acquaintance sir« said the little Doctor
»It will afford me the greatest pleasure to know you sir« replied Mr
Winkle Thereupon the Doctor and Mr Winkle shook hands and then Mr Winkle and
Lieutenant Tappleton the Doctors second and then Mr Winkle and the man with
the campstool and finally Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass the lastnamed
gentleman in an excess of admiration at the noble conduct of his heroic friend
»I think we may adjourn« said Lieutenant Tappleton
»Certainly« added the Doctor
»Unless« interposed the man with the campstool »unless Mr Winkle feels
himself aggrieved by the challenge in which case I submit he has a right to
satisfaction«
Mr Winkle with great selfdenial expressed himself quite satisfied
already
»Or possibly« said the man with the campstool »the gentlemans second may
feel himself affronted with some observations which fell from me at an early
period of this meeting if so I shall be happy to give him satisfaction
immediately«
Mr Snodgrass hastily professed himself very much obliged with the handsome
offer of the gentleman who had spoken last which he was only induced to decline
by his entire contentment with the whole proceedings The two seconds adjusted
the cases, and the whole party left the ground in a much more lively manner than
they had proceeded to it
»Do you remain long here« inquired Dr Slammer of Mr Winkle as they
walked on most amicably together
»I think we shall leave here the day after tomorrow« was the reply
»I trust I shall have the pleasure of seeing you and your friend at my
rooms and of spending a pleasant evening with you after this awkward mistake«
said the little Doctor »are you disengaged this evening«
»We have some friends here« replied Mr Winkle »and I should not like to
leave them tonight Perhaps you and your friend will join us at the Bull«
»With great pleasure« said the little Doctor »will ten oclock be too late
to look in for half an hour«
»Oh dear no« said Mr Winkle »I shall be most happy to introduce you to
my friends Mr Pickwick and Mr Tupman«
»It will give me great pleasure I am sure« replied Doctor Slammer little
suspecting who Mr Tupman was
»You will be sure to come« said Mr Snodgrass
»Oh certainly«
By this time they had reached the road Cordial farewells were exchanged
and the party separated Doctor Slammer and his friends repaired to the
barracks and Mr Winkle accompanied by his friend Mr Snodgrass returned to
their inn
Chapter III
A New Acquaintance The Strollers Tale A Disagreeable Interruption and an
Unpleasant Encounter
Mr Pickwick had felt some apprehensions in consequence of the unusual absence
of his two friends which their mysterious behaviour during the whole morning
had by no means tended to diminish It was therefore with more than ordinary
pleasure that he rose to greet them when they again entered and with more than
ordinary interest that he inquired what had occurred to detain them from his
society In reply to his questions on this point Mr Snodgrass was about to
offer an historical account of the circumstances just now detailed when he was
suddenly checked by observing that there were present not only Mr Tupman and
their stagecoach companion of the preceding day but another stranger of
equally singular appearance It was a careworn looking man whose sallow face
and deeply sunken eyes were rendered still more striking than nature had made
them by the straight black hair which hung in matted disorder half way down his
face His eyes were almost unnaturally bright and piercing his cheekbones were
high and prominent and his jaws were so long and lank that an observer would
have supposed that he was drawing the flesh of his face in for a moment by
some contraction of the muscles if his halfopened mouth and immovable
expression had not announced that it was his ordinary appearance Round his neck
he wore a green shawl with the large ends straggling over his chest and making
their appearance occasionally beneath the worn buttonholes of his old
waistcoat His upper garment was a long black surtout and below it he wore wide
drab trousers and large boots running rapidly to seed
It was on this uncouthlooking person that Mr Winkles eye rested and it
was towards him that Mr Pickwick extended his hand when he said »A friend of
our friends here We discovered this morning that our friend was connected with
the theatre in this place though he is not desirous to have it generally known
and this gentleman is a member of the same profession He was about to favour us
with a little anecdote connected with it when you entered«
»Lots of anecdote« said the greencoated stranger of the day before
advancing to Mr Winkle and speaking in a low and confidential tone »Rum fellow
does the heavy business no actor strange man all sorts of miseries
Dismal Jemmy we call him on the circuit« Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass politely
welcomed the gentleman elegantly designated as Dismal Jemmy and calling for
brandy and water in imitation of the remainder of the company seated
themselves at the table
»Now sir« said Mr Pickwick »will you oblige us by proceeding with what
you were going to relate«
The dismal individual took a dirty roll of paper from his pocket and
turning to Mr Snodgrass who had just taken out his notebook said in a hollow
voice perfectly in keeping with his outward man »Are you the poet«
»I I do a little in that way« replied Mr Snodgrass rather taken aback
by the abruptness of the question
»Ah poetry makes life what lights and music do the stage strip the one of
its false embellishments and the other of its illusions and what is there real
in either to live or care for«
»Very true sir« replied Mr Snodgrass
»To be before the footlights« continued the dismal man »is like sitting at
a grand court show and admiring the silken dresses of the gaudy throng to be
behind them is to be the people who make that finery uncared for and unknown
and left to sink or swim to starve or live as fortune wills it«
»Certainly« said Mr Snodgrass for the sunken eye of the dismal man rested
on him and he felt it necessary to say something
»Go on Jemmy« said the Spanish traveller »like blackeyed Susan all in
the Downs no croaking speak out look lively«
»Will you make another glass before you begin sir« said Mr Pickwick
The dismal man took the hint and having mixed a glass of brandy and water
and slowly swallowed half of it opened the roll of paper and proceeded partly
to read and partly to relate the following incident which we find recorded on
the Transactions of the club as »The Strollers Tale
The Strollers Tale
»There is nothing of the marvellous in what I am going to relate« said the
dismal man »there is nothing even uncommon in it Want and sickness are too
common in many stations of life to deserve more notice than is usually bestowed
on the most ordinary vicissitudes of human nature I have thrown these few notes
together because the subject of them was well known to me for many years I
traced his progress downwards step by step until at last he reached that
excess of destitution from which he never rose again
The man of whom I speak was a low pantomime actor and like many people of
his class an habitual drunkard In his better days before he had become
enfeebled by dissipation and emaciated by disease he had been in the receipt of
a good salary which if he had been careful and prudent he might have
continued to receive for some years not many because these men either die
early or by unnaturally taxing their bodily energies lose prematurely those
physical powers on which alone they can depend for subsistence His besetting
sin gained so fast upon him however that it was found impossible to employ him
in the situations in which he really was useful to the theatre The publichouse
had a fascination for him which he could not resist Neglected disease and
hopeless poverty were as certain to be his portion as death itself if he
persevered in the same course yet he did persevere and the result may be
guessed He could obtain no engagement and he wanted bread
Everybody who is at all acquainted with theatrical matters knows what a host
of shabby povertystricken men hang about the stage of a large establishment
not regularly engaged actors but ballet people procession men tumblers and
so forth who are taken on during the run of a pantomime or an Easter piece
and are then discharged until the production of some heavy spectacle occasions
a new demand for their services To this mode of life the man was compelled to
resort and taking the chair every night at some low theatrical house at once
put him in possession of a few more shillings weekly and enabled him to gratify
his old propensity Even this resource shortly failed him his irregularities
were too great to admit of his earning the wretched pittance he might thus have
procured and he was actually reduced to a state bordering on starvation only
procuring a trifle occasionally by borrowing it of some old companion or by
obtaining an appearance at one or other of the commonest of the minor theatres
and when he did earn anything it was spent in the old way
About this time and when he had been existing for upwards of a year no one
knew how I had a short engagement at one of the theatres on the Surrey side of
the water and here I saw this man whom I had lost sight of for some time for I
had been travelling in the provinces and he had been skulking in the lanes and
alleys of London I was dressed to leave the house and was crossing the stage
on my way out when he tapped me on the shoulder Never shall I forget the
repulsive sight that met my eye when I turned round He was dressed for the
pantomime in all the absurdity of a clowns costume The spectral figures in
the Dance of Death the most frightful shapes that the ablest painter ever
portrayed on canvas never presented an appearance half so ghastly His bloated
body and shrunken legs their deformity enhanced a hundred fold by the
fantastic dress the glassy eyes contrasting fearfully with the thick white
paint with which the face was besmeared the grotesquely ornamented head
trembling with paralysis and the long skinny hands rubbed with white chalk
all gave him a hideous and unnatural appearance of which no description could
convey an adequate idea and which to this day I shudder to think of His
voice was hollow and tremulous as he took me aside and in broken words
recounted a long catalogue of sickness and privations terminating as usual with
an urgent request for the loan of a trifling sum of money I put a few shillings
in his hand and as I turned away I heard the roar of laughter which followed
his first tumble on to the stage
A few nights afterwards a boy put a dirty scrap of paper in my hand on
which were scrawled a few words in pencil intimating that the man was
dangerously ill and begging me after the performance to see him at his
lodging in some street I forget the name of it now at no great distance from
the theatre I promised to comply as soon as I could get away and after the
curtain fell sallied forth on my melancholy errand
It was late for I had been playing in the last piece and as it was a
benefit night the performances had been protracted to an unusual length It was
a dark cold night with a chill damp wind which blew the rain heavily against
the windows and house fronts Pools of water had collected in the narrow and
littlefrequented streets and as many of the thinlyscattered oillamps had
been blown out by the violence of the wind the walk was not only a comfortless
but most uncertain one I had fortunately taken the right course however and
succeeded after a little difficulty in finding the house to which I had been
directed a coalshed with one story above it in the back room of which lay
the object of my search
A wretchedlooking woman the mans wife met me on the stairs and telling
me that he had just fallen into a kind of doze led me softly in and placed a
chair for me at the bedside The sick man was lying with his face turned towards
the wall and as he took no heed of my presence I had leisure to observe the
place in which I found myself
He was lying on an old bedstead which turned up during the day The
tattered remains of a checked curtain were drawn round the beds head to
exclude the wind which however made its way into the comfortless room through
the numerous chinks in the door and blew it to and fro every instant There was
a low cinder fire in a rusty unfixed grate and an old threecornered stained
table with some medicine bottles a broken glass and a few other domestic
articles was drawn out before it A little child was sleeping on a temporary
bed which had been made for it on the floor and the woman sat on a chair by its
side There were a couple of shelves with a few plates and cups and saucers
and a pair of stage shoes and a couple of foils hung beneath them With the
exception of little heaps of rags and bundles which had been carelessly thrown
into the corners of the room these were the only things in the apartment
I had had time to note these little particulars and to mark the heavy
breathing and feverish startings of the sick man before he was aware of my
presence In his restless attempts to procure some easy restingplace for his
head he tossed his hand out of the bed and it fell on mine He started up and
stared eagerly in my face
Mr Hutley John said his wife Mr Hutley that you sent for tonight you
know
Ah said the invalid passing his hand across his forehead Hutley Hutley
let me see He seemed endeavouring to collect his thoughts for a few seconds
and then grasping me tightly by the wrist said Dont leave me dont leave me
old fellow Shell murder me I know she will
Has he been long so said I addressing his weeping wife
Since yesterday night she replied John John dont you know me
Dont let her come near me said the man with a shudder as she stooped
over him Drive her away I cant bear her near me He stared wildly at her
with a look of deadly apprehension and then whispered in my ear I beat her
Jem I beat her yesterday and many times before I have starved her and the boy
too and now I am weak and helpless Jem shell murder me for it I know she
will If youd seen her cry as I have youd know it too Keep her off He
relaxed his grasp and sank back exhausted on the pillow
I knew but too well what all this meant If I could have entertained any
doubt of it for an instant one glance at the womans pale face and wasted form
would have sufficiently explained the real state of the case You had better
stand aside said I to the poor creature You can do him no good Perhaps he
will be calmer if he does not see you She retired out of the mans sight He
opened his eyes after a few seconds and looked anxiously round
Is she gone he eagerly inquired
Yes yes said I she shall not hurt you
Ill tell you what Jem said the man in a low voice she does hurt me
Theres something in her eyes wakes such a dreadful fear in my heart that it
drives me mad All last night her large staring eyes and pale face were close
to mine wherever I turned they turned and whenever I started up from my
sleep she was at the bedside looking at me He drew me closer to him as he
said in a deep alarmed whisper Jem she must be an evil spirit a devil
Hush I know she is If she had been a woman she would have died long ago No
woman could have borne what she has
I sickened at the thought of the long course of cruelty and neglect which
must have occurred to produce such an impression on such a man I could say
nothing in reply for who could offer hope or consolation to the abject being
before me
I sat there for upwards of two hours during which time he tossed about
murmuring exclamations of pain or impatience restlessly throwing his arms here
and there and turning constantly from side to side At length he fell into that
state of partial unconsciousness in which the mind wanders uneasily from scene
to scene and from place to place without the control of reason, but still
without being able to divest itself of an indescribable sense of present
suffering Finding from his incoherent wanderings that this was the case and
knowing that in all probability the fever would not grow immediately worse I
left him promising his miserable wife that I would repeat my visit next
evening and if necessary sit up with the patient during the night
I kept my promise The last fourandtwenty hours had produced a frightful
alteration The eyes though deeply sunk and heavy shone with a lustre
frightful to behold The lips were parched and cracked in many places the dry
hard skin glowed with a burning heat and there was an almost unearthly air of
wild anxiety in the mans face indicating even more strongly the ravages of the
disease The fever was at its height
I took the seat I had occupied the night before and there I sat for hours
listening to sounds which must strike deep to the heart of the most callous
among human beings the awful ravings of a dying man From what I had heard of
the medical attendants opinion I knew there was no hope for him I was sitting
by his deathbed I saw the wasted limbs which a few hours before had been
distorted for the amusement of a boisterous gallery writhing under the tortures
of a burning fever I heard the clowns shrill laugh blending with the low
murmurings of the dying man
It is a touching thing to hear the mind reverting to the ordinary
occupations and pursuits of health when the body lies before you weak and
helpless but when those occupations are of a character the most strongly
opposed to anything we associate with grave or solemn ideas the impression
produced is infinitely more powerful The theatre and the publichouse were
the chief themes of the wretched mans wanderings It was evening he fancied
he had a part to play that night it was late and he must leave home instantly
Why did they hold him and prevent his going he should lose the money he
must go No they would not let him He hid his face in his burning hands and
feebly bemoaned his own weakness and the cruelty of his persecutors A short
pause and he shouted out a few doggrel rhymes the last he had ever learnt He
rose in bed drew up his withered limbs and rolled about in uncouth positions
he was acting he was at the theatre A minutes silence and he murmured the
burden of some roaring song He had reached the old house at last how hot the
room was He had been ill very ill but he was well now and happy Fill up his
glass Who was that that dashed it from his lips It was the same persecutor
that had followed him before He fell back upon his pillow and moaned aloud A
short period of oblivion and he was wandering through a tedious maze of low
archedrooms so low sometimes that he must creep upon his hands and knees to
make his way along it was close and dark and every way he turned some
obstacle impeded his progress There were insects too hideous crawling things
with eyes that stared upon him and filled the very air around glistening
horribly amidst the thick darkness of the place The walls and ceiling were
alive with reptiles the vault expanded to an enormous size frightful figures
flitted to and fro and the faces of men he knew rendered hideous by gibing
and mouthing peered out from among them they were searing him with heated
irons and binding his head with cords till the blood started and he struggled
madly for life
At the close of one of these paroxysms when I had with great difficulty
held him down in his bed he sank into what appeared to be a slumber
Overpowered with watching and exertion I had closed my eyes for a few minutes
when I felt a violent clutch on my shoulder I awoke instantly He had raised
himself up so as to seat himself in bed a dreadful change had come over his
face but consciousness had returned for he evidently knew me The child who
had been long since disturbed by his ravings rose from its little bed and ran
towards its father screaming with fright the mother hastily caught it in her
arms lest he should injure it in the violence of his insanity but terrified
by the alteration of his features stood transfixed by the bedside He grasped
my shoulder convulsively and striking his breast with the other hand made a
desperate attempt to articulate It was unavailing he extended his arm towards
them and made another violent effort There was a rattling noise in the throat
a glare of the eye a short stifled groan and he fell back dead«
It would afford us the highest gratification to be enabled to record Mr
Pickwicks opinion of the foregoing anecdote We have little doubt that we
should have been enabled to present it to our readers but for a most
unfortunate occurrence
Mr Pickwick had replaced on the table the glass which during the last few
sentences of the tale he had retained in his hand and had just made up his
mind to speak indeed we have the authority of Mr Snodgrasss notebook for
stating that he had actually opened his mouth when the waiter entered the
room and said
»Some gentlemen sir«
It has been conjectured that Mr Pickwick was on the point of delivering
some remarks which would have enlightened the world if not the Thames when he
was thus interrupted for he gazed sternly on the waiters countenance and then
looked round on the company generally as if seeking for information relative to
the new comers
»Oh« said Mr Winkle rising »some friends of mine show them in Very
pleasant fellows« added Mr Winkle after the waiter had retired »Officers of
the 97th whose acquaintance I made rather oddly this morning You will like
them very much«
Mr Pickwicks equanimity was at once restored The waiter returned and
ushered three gentlemen into the room
»Lieutenant Tappleton« said Mr Winkle »Lieutenant Tappleton Mr Pickwick
Doctor Payne Mr Pickwick Mr Snodgrass you have seen before my friend
Mr Tupman Doctor Payne Dr Slammer Mr Pickwick Mr Tupman Doctor Slam
«
Here Mr Winkle suddenly paused for strong emotion was visible on the
countenance both of Mr Tupman and the Doctor
»I have met this gentleman before« said the Doctor with marked emphasis
»Indeed« said Mr Winkle
»And and that person too if I am not mistaken« said the Doctor
bestowing a scrutinising glance on the greencoated stranger »I think I gave
that person a very pressing invitation last night which he thought proper to
decline« Saying which the Doctor scowled magnanimously on the stranger and
whispered his friend Lieutenant Tappleton
»You dont say so« said that gentleman at the conclusion of the whisper
»I do indeed« replied Doctor Slammer
»You are bound to kick him on the spot« murmured the owner of the
campstool with great importance
»Do be quiet Payne« interposed the Lieutenant »Will you allow me to ask
you sir« he said addressing Mr Pickwick who was considerably mystified by
this very impolite byplay »will you allow me to ask you sir whether that
person belongs to your party«
»No sir« replied Mr Pickwick »he is a guest of ours«
»He is a member of your club or I am mistaken« said the Lieutenant
inquiringly
»Certainly not« responded Mr Pickwick
»And never wears your clubbutton« said the Lieutenant
»No never« replied the astonished Mr Pickwick
Lieutenant Tappleton turned round to his friend Doctor Slammer with a
scarcely perceptible shrug of the shoulder as if implying some doubt of the
accuracy of his recollection The little Doctor looked wrathful but confounded
and Mr Payne gazed with a ferocious aspect on the beaming countenance of the
unconscious Pickwick
»Sir« said the Doctor suddenly addressing Mr Tupman in a tone which made
that gentleman start as perceptibly as if a pin had been cunningly inserted in
the calf of his leg »you were at the ball here last night«
Mr Tupman gasped a faint affirmative looking very hard at Mr Pickwick all
the while
»That person was your companion« said the Doctor pointing to the still
unmoved stranger
Mr Tupman admitted the fact
»Now sir« said the Doctor to the stranger »I ask you once again in the
presence of these gentlemen whether you choose to give me your card and to
receive the treatment of a gentleman or whether you impose upon me the
necessity of personally chastising you on the spot«
»Stay sir« said Mr Pickwick »I really cannot allow this matter to go any
further without some explanation Tupman recount the circumstances«
Mr Tupman thus solemnly abjured stated the case in a few words touched
slightly on the borrowing of the coat expatiated largely on its having been
done after dinner wound up with a little penitence on his own account and left
the stranger to clear himself as he best could
He was apparently about to proceed to do so when Lieutenant Tappleton who
had been eyeing him with great curiosity said with considerable scorn
»Havent I seen you at the theatre sir«
»Certainly« replied the unabashed stranger
»He is a strolling actor« said the Lieutenant contemptuously turning to
Dr Slammer »He acts in the piece that the Officers of the 52nd get up at the
Rochester Theatre tomorrow night You cannot proceed in this affair Slammer
impossible«
»Quite« said the dignified Payne
»Sorry to have placed you in this disagreeable situation« said Lieutenant
Tappleton addressing Mr Pickwick »allow me to suggest that the best way of
avoiding a recurrence of such scenes in future will be to be more select in the
choice of your companions Good evening sir« and the Lieutenant bounced out of
the room
»And allow me to say sir« said the irascible Doctor Payne »that if I had
been Tappleton or if I had been Slammer I would have pulled your nose sir
and the nose of every man in this company I would sir every man Payne is my
name sir Doctor Payne of the 43rd Good evening sir« Having concluded this
speech and uttered the three last words in a loud key be stalked majestically
after his friend closely followed by Doctor Slammer who said nothing but
contented himself by withering the company with a look
Rising rage and extreme bewilderment had swelled the noble breast of Mr
Pickwick almost to the bursting of his waistcoat during the delivery of the
above defiance He stood transfixed to the spot gazing on vacancy The closing
of the door recalled him to himself He rushed forward with fury in his looks
and fire in his eye His hand was upon the lock of the door in another instant
it would have been on the throat of Doctor Payne of the 43rd had not Mr
Snodgrass seized his revered leader by the coat tail and dragged him backwards
»Restrain him« cried Mr Snodgrass »Winkle Tupman he must not peril his
distinguished life in such a cause as this«
»Let me go« said Mr Pickwick
»Hold him tight« shouted Mr Snodgrass and by the united efforts of the
whole company Mr Pickwick was forced into an armchair
»Leave him alone« said the greencoated stranger »brandy and water
jolly old gentleman lots of pluck swallow this ah capital stuff«
Having previously tested the virtues of a bumper which had been mixed by the
dismal man the stranger applied the glass to Mr Pickwicks mouth and the
remainder of its contents rapidly disappeared
There was a short pause the brandy and water had done its work the amiable
countenance of Mr Pickwick was fast recovering its customary expression
»They are not worth your notice« said the dismal man
»You are right sir« replied Mr Pickwick »they are not I am ashamed to
have been betrayed into this warmth of feeling Draw your chair up to the table
sir«
The dismal man readily complied a circle was again formed round the table
and harmony once more prevailed Some lingering irritability appeared to find a
restingplace in Mr Winkles bosom occasioned possibly by the temporary
abstraction of his coat though it is scarcely reasonable to suppose that so
slight a circumstance can have excited even a passing feeling of anger in a
Pickwickian breast With this exception their good humour was completely
restored and the evening concluded with the conviviality with which it had
begun
Chapter IV
A FieldDay and Bivouac More New Friends An Invitation to the Country
Many authors entertain not only a foolish but a really dishonest objection to
acknowledge the sources from whence they derive much valuable information We
have no such feeling We are merely endeavouring to discharge in an upright
manner the responsible duties of our editorial functions and whatever ambition
we might have felt under other circumstances to lay claim to the authorship of
these adventures a regard for truth forbids us to do more than claim the merit
of their judicious arrangement and impartial narration The Pickwick papers are
our New River Head and we may be compared to the New River Company The labours
of others have raised for us an immense reservoir of important facts We merely
lay them on and communicate them in a clear and gentle stream through the
medium of these numbers to a world thirsting for Pickwickian knowledge
Acting in this spirit and resolutely proceeding on our determination to
avow our obligations to the authorities we have consulted we frankly say that
to the notebook of Mr Snodgrass are we indebted for the particulars recorded
in this and the succeeding chapter particulars which now that we have
disburdened our conscience we shall proceed to detail without further comment
The whole population of Rochester and the adjoining towns rose from their
beds at an early hour of the following morning in a state of the utmost bustle
and excitement A grand review was to take place upon the Lines The manoeuvres
of halfadozen regiments were to be inspected by the eagle eye of the
commanderinchief temporary fortifications had been erected the citadel was
to be attacked and taken and a mine was to be sprung
Mr Pickwick was as our readers may have gathered from the slight extract
we gave from his description of Chatham an enthusiastic admirer of the army
Nothing could have been more delightful to him nothing could have harmonised
so well with the peculiar feeling of each of his companions as this sight
Accordingly they were soon afoot and walking in the direction of the scene of
action towards which crowds of people were already pouring from a variety of
quarters
The appearance of everything on the Lines denoted that the approaching
ceremony was one of the utmost grandeur and importance There were sentries
posted to keep the ground for the troops and servants on the batteries keeping
places for the ladies and sergeants running to and fro with vellumcovered
books under their arms and Colonel Bulder in full military uniform on
horseback galloping first to one place and then to another and backing his
horse among the people and prancing and curvetting and shouting in a most
alarming manner and making himself very hoarse in the voice and very red in
the face without any assignable cause or reason whatever Officers were running
backwards and forwards first communicating with Colonel Bulder and then
ordering the sergeants and then running away altogether and even the very
privates themselves looked from behind their glazed stocks with an air of
mysterious solemnity which sufficiently bespoke the special nature of the
occasion
Mr Pickwick and his three companions stationed themselves in the front rank
of the crowd and patiently awaited the commencement of the proceedings The
throng was increasing every moment and the efforts they were compelled to make
to retain the position they had gained sufficiently occupied their attention
during the two hours that ensued At one time there was a sudden pressure from
behind and then Mr Pickwick was jerked forward for several yards with a
degree of speed and elasticity highly inconsistent with the general gravity of
his demeanour at another moment there was a request to keep back from the
front and then the buttend of a musket was either dropped upon Mr Pickwicks
toe to remind him of the demand or thrust into his chest to ensure its being
complied with Then some facetious gentlemen on the left after pressing
sideways in a body and squeezing Mr Snodgrass into the very last extreme of
human torture would request to know vere he vos a shovin to and when Mr
Winkle had done expressing his excessive indignation at witnessing this
unprovoked assault some person behind would knock his hat over his eyes and
beg the favour of his putting his head in his pocket These and other practical
witticisms coupled with the unaccountable absence of Mr Tupman who had
suddenly disappeared and was nowhere to be found rendered their situation
upon the whole rather more uncomfortable than pleasing or desirable
At length that low roar of many voices ran through the crowd which usually
announces the arrival of whatever they have been waiting for All eyes were
turned in the direction of the sallyport A few moments of eager expectation
and colours were seen fluttering gaily in the air arms glistened brightly in
the sun column after column poured on to the plain The troops halted and
formed the word of command rung through the line there was a general clash of
muskets as arms were presented and the commanderinchief attended by Colonel
Bulder and numerous officers cantered to the front The military bands struck
up altogether the horses stood upon two legs each cantered backwards and
whisked their tails about in all directions the dogs barked the mob screamed
the troops recovered and nothing was to be seen on either side as far as the
eye could reach but a long perspective of red coats and white trousers fixed
and motionless
Mr Pickwick had been so fully occupied in falling about and disentangling
himself miraculously from between the legs of horses that he had not enjoyed
sufficient leisure to observe the scene before him until it assumed the
appearance we have just described When he was at last enabled to stand firmly
on his legs his gratification and delight were unbounded
»Can anything be finer or more delightful« he inquired of Mr Winkle
»Nothing« replied that gentleman who had had a short man standing on each
of his feet for the quarter of an hour immediately preceding
»It is indeed a noble and a brilliant sight« said Mr Snodgrass in whose
bosom a blaze of poetry was rapidly bursting forth »to see the gallant
defenders of their country drawn up in brilliant array before its peaceful
citizens their faces beaming not with warlike ferocity but with civilised
gentleness their eyes flashing not with the rude fire of rapine or revenge
but with the soft light of humanity and intelligence«
Mr Pickwick fully entered into the spirit of this eulogium but he could
not exactly reecho its terms for the soft light of intelligence burnt rather
feebly in the eyes of the warriors inasmuch as the command eyes front had been
given and all the spectator saw before him was several thousand pairs of
optics staring straight forward wholly divested of any expression whatever
»We are in a capital situation now« said Mr Pickwick looking round him
The crowd had gradually dispersed in their immediate vicinity and they were
nearly alone
»Capital« echoed both Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle
»What are they doing now« inquired Mr Pickwick adjusting his spectacles
»I I rather think« said Mr Winkle changing colour »I rather think
theyre going to fire«
»Nonsense« said Mr Pickwick hastily
»I I really think they are« urged Mr Snodgrass somewhat alarmed
»Impossible« replied Mr Pickwick He had hardly uttered the word when the
whole halfdozen regiments levelled their muskets as if they had but one common
object and that object the Pickwickians and burst forth with the most awful
and tremendous discharge that ever shook the earth to its centre or an elderly
gentleman off his
It was in this trying situation exposed to a galling fire of blank
cartridges and harassed by the operations of the military a fresh body of whom
had begun to fall in on the opposite side that Mr Pickwick displayed that
perfect coolness and selfpossession which are the indispensable accompaniments
of a great mind He seized Mr Winkle by the arm and placing himself between
that gentleman and Mr Snodgrass earnestly besought them to remember that
beyond the possibility of being rendered deaf by the noise there was no
immediate danger to be apprehended from the firing
»But but suppose some of the men should happen to have ball cartridges
by mistake« remonstrated Mr Winkle pallid at the supposition he was himself
conjuring up »I heard something whistle through the air just now so sharp
close to my ear«
»We had better throw ourselves on our faces hadnt we« said Mr Snodgrass
»No no its over now« said Mr Pickwick His lip might quiver and his
cheek might blanch but no expression of fear or concern escaped the lips of
that immortal man
Mr Pickwick was right the firing ceased but he had scarcely time to
congratulate himself on the accuracy of his opinion when a quick movement was
visible in the line the hoarse shout of the word of command ran along it and
before either of the party could form a guess at the meaning of this new
manoeuvre the whole of the halfdozen regiments with fixed bayonets charged
at double quick time down upon the very spot on which Mr Pickwick and his
friends were stationed
Man is but mortal and there is a point beyond which human courage cannot
extend Mr Pickwick gazed through his spectacles for an instant on the
advancing mass and then fairly turned his back and we will not say fled
firstly because it is an ignoble term and secondly because Mr Pickwicks
figure was by no means adapted for that mode of retreat he trotted away at as
quick a rate as his legs would convey him so quickly indeed that he did not
perceive the awkwardness of his situation to the full extent until too late
The opposite troops whose fallingin had perplexed Mr Pickwick a few
seconds before were drawn up to repel the mimic attack of the sham besiegers of
the citadel and the consequence was that Mr Pickwick and his two companions
found themselves suddenly inclosed between two lines of great length the one
advancing at a rapid pace and the other firmly waiting the collision in hostile
array
»Hoi« shouted the officers of the advancing line
»Get out of the way« cried the officers of the stationary one
»Where are we to go to« screamed the agitated Pickwickians
»Hoi hoi hoi« was the only reply There was a moment of intense
bewilderment a heavy tramp of footsteps a violent concussion a smothered
laugh the halfdozen regiments were half a thousand yards off and the soles of
Mr Pickwicks boots were elevated in air
Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle had each performed a compulsory somerset with
remarkable agility when the first object that met the eyes of the latter as he
sat on the ground staunching with a yellow silk handkerchief the stream of life
which issued from his nose was his venerated leader at some distance off
running after his own hat which was gamboling playfully away in perspective
There are very few moments in a mans existence when he experiences so much
ludicrous distress or meets with so little charitable commiseration as when he
is in pursuit of his own hat A vast deal of coolness and a peculiar degree of
judgment are requisite in catching a hat A man must not be precipitate or he
runs over it he must not rush into the opposite extreme or he loses it
altogether The best way is to keep gently up with the object of pursuit to be
wary and cautious to watch your opportunity well get gradually before it then
make a rapid dive seize it by the crown and stick it firmly on your head
smiling pleasantly all the time as if you thought it as good a joke as anybody
else
There was a fine gentle wind and Mr Pickwicks hat rolled sportively
before it The wind puffed and Mr Pickwick puffed and the hat rolled over and
over as merrily as a lively porpoise in a strong tide and on it might have
rolled far beyond Mr Pickwicks reach had not its course been providentially
stopped just as that gentleman was on the point of resigning it to its fate
Mr Pickwick we say, was completely exhausted and about to give up the
chase when the hat was blown with some violence against the wheel of a
carriage which was drawn up in a line with halfadozen other vehicles on the
spot to which his steps had been directed Mr Pickwick perceiving his
advantage darted briskly forward secured his property planted it on his head
and paused to take breath He had not been stationary half a minute when he
heard his own name eagerly pronounced by a voice which he at once recognised as
Mr Tupmans and looking upwards he beheld a sight which filled him with
surprise and pleasure
In an open barouche the horses of which had been taken out the better to
accommodate it to the crowded place stood a stout old gentleman in a blue coat
and bright buttons corduroy breeches and top boots two young ladies in scarfs
and feathers a young gentleman apparently enamoured of one of the young ladies
in scarfs and feathers a lady of doubtful age probably the aunt of the
aforesaid and Mr Tupman as easy and unconcerned as if he had belonged to the
family from the first moments of his infancy Fastened up behind the barouche
was a hamper of spacious dimensions one of those hampers which always awakens
in a contemplative mind associations connected with cold fowls tongues and
bottles of wine and on the box sat a fat and redfaced boy in a state of
somnolency whom no speculative observer could have regarded for an instant
without setting down as the official dispenser of the contents of the
beforementioned hamper when the proper time for their consumption should
arrive
Mr Pickwick had bestowed a hasty glance on these interesting objects when
he was again greeted by his faithful disciple
»Pickwick Pickwick« said Mr Tupman »come up here Make haste«
»Come along sir Pray come up« said the stout gentleman »Joe damn
that boy hes gone to sleep again Joe let down the steps« The fat boy
rolled slowly off the box let down the steps and held the carriage door
invitingly open Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle came up at the moment
»Room for you all gentlemen« said the stout man »Two inside and one out
Joe make room for one of these gentlemen on the box Now sir come along« and
the stout gentleman extended his arm and pulled first Mr Pickwick and then
Mr Snodgrass into the barouche by main force Mr Winkle mounted to the box
the fat boy waddled to the same perch and fell fast asleep instantly
»Well gentlemen« said the stout man »very glad to see you Know you very
well gentlemen though you maynt remember me I spent some evnins at your
club last winter picked up my friend Mr Tupman here this morning and very
glad I was to see him Well sir and how are you You do look uncommon well to
be sure«
Mr Pickwick acknowledged the compliment and cordially shook hands with the
stout gentleman in the top boots
»Well and how are you sir« said the stout gentleman addressing Mr
Snodgrass with paternal anxiety »Charming eh Well thats right thats
right And how are you sir to Mr Winkle Well I am glad to hear you say you
are well very glad I am to be sure My daughters gentlemen my gals these
are and thats my sister Miss Rachael Wardle Shes a Miss she is and yet
she ant a Miss eh sir eh« And the stout gentleman playfully inserted his
elbow between the ribs of Mr Pickwick and laughed very heartily
»Lor brother« said Miss Wardle with a deprecating smile
»True true« said the stout gentleman »no one can deny it Gentlemen I
beg your pardon this is my friend Mr Trundle And now you all know each other
lets be comfortable and happy and see whats going forward thats what I
say« So the stout gentleman put on his spectacles and Mr Pickwick pulled out
his glass and everybody stood up in the carriage and looked over somebody
elses shoulder at the evolutions of the military
Astounding evolutions they were one rank firing over the heads of another
rank and then running away and then the other rank firing over the heads of
another rank and running away in their turn and then forming squares with
officers in the centre and then descending the trench on one side with scaling
ladders and ascending it on the other again by the same means and knocking
down barricades of baskets and behaving in the most gallant manner possible
Then there was such a ramming down of the contents of enormous guns on the
battery with instruments like magnified mops such a preparation before they
were let off and such an awful noise when they did go that the air resounded
with the screams of ladies The young Miss Wardles were so frightened that Mr
Trundle was actually obliged to hold one of them up in the carriage while Mr
Snodgrass supported the other and Mr Wardles sister suffered under such a
dreadful state of nervous alarm that Mr Tupman found it indispensably
necessary to put his arm round her waist to keep her up at all Everybody was
excited except the fat boy and he slept as soundly as if the roaring of cannon
were his ordinary lullaby
»Joe Joe« said the stout gentleman when the citadel was taken and the
besiegers and besieged sat down to dinner »Damn that boy hes gone to sleep
again Be good enough to pinch him sir in the leg if you please nothing
else wakes him thank you Undo the hamper Joe«
The fat boy who had been effectually roused by the compression of a portion
of his leg between the finger and thumb of Mr Winkle rolled off the box once
again and proceeded to unpack the hamper with more expedition than could have
been expected from his previous inactivity
»Now we must sit close« said the stout gentleman After a great many jokes
about squeezing the ladies sleeves and a vast quantity of blushing at sundry
jocose proposals that the ladies should sit in the gentlemens laps the whole
party were stowed down in the barouche and the stout gentleman proceeded to
hand the things from the fat boy who had mounted up behind for the purpose
into the carriage
»Now Joe knives and forks« The knives and forks were handed in and the
ladies and gentlemen inside and Mr Winkle on the box were each furnished with
those useful instruments
»Plates Joe plates« A similiar process employed in the distribution of
the crockery
»Now Joe the fowls Damn that boy hes gone to sleep again Joe Joe«
Sundry taps on the head with a stick and the fat boy with some difficulty
roused from his lethargy »Come hand in the eatables«
There was something in the sound of the last word which roused the unctuous
boy He jumped up and the leaden eyes which twinkled behind his mountainous
cheeks leered horribly upon the food as he unpacked it from the basket
»Now make haste« said Mr Wardle for the fat boy was hanging fondly over a
capon which he seemed wholly unable to part with The boy sighed deeply and
bestowing an ardent gaze upon its plumpness unwillingly consigned it to his
master
»Thats right look sharp Now the tongue now the pigeonpie Take care
of that veal and ham mind the lobsters take the salad out of the cloth
give me the dressing« Such were the hurried orders which issued from the lips
of Mr Wardle as he handed in the different articles described and placed
dishes in everybodys hands and on everybodys knees in endless number
»Now ant this capital« inquired that jolly personage when the work of
destruction had commenced
»Capital« said Mr Winkle who was carving a fowl on the box
»Glass of wine«
»With the greatest pleasure«
»Youd better have a bottle to yourself up there hadnt you«
»Youre very good«
»Joe«
»Yes sir« He wasnt asleep this time having just succeeded in
abstracting a veal patty
»Bottle of wine to the gentleman on the box Glad to see you sir«
»Thankee« Mr Winkle emptied his glass and placed the bottle on the
coachbox by his side
»Will you permit me to have the pleasure sir« said Mr Trundle to Mr
Winkle
»With great pleasure« replied Mr Winkle to Mr Trundle and then the two
gentlemen took wine after which they took a glass of wine round ladies and
all
»How dear Emily is flirting with the stranger gentleman« whispered the
spinster aunt with true spinsterauntlike envy to her brother Mr Wardle
»Oh I dont know« said the jolly old gentleman »all very natural I dare
say nothing unusual Mr Pickwick some wine sir« Mr Pickwick who had been
deeply investigating the interior of the pigeonpie readily assented
»Emily my dear« said the spinster aunt with a patronising air »dont
talk so loud love«
»Lor aunt«
»Aunt and the little old gentleman want to have it all to themselves I
think« whispered Miss Isabella Wardle to her sister Emily The young ladies
laughed very heartily and the old one tried to look amiable but couldnt
manage it
»Young girls have such spirits« said Miss Wardle to Mr Tupman with an air
of gentle commiseration as if animal spirits were contraband and their
possession without a permit a high crime and misdemeanour
»Oh they have« replied Mr Tupman not exactly making the sort of reply
that was expected from him »Its quite delightful«
»Hem« said Miss Wardle rather dubiously
»Will you permit me« said Mr Tupman in his blandest manner touching the
enchanting Rachaels wrist with one hand and gently elevating the bottle with
the other »Will you permit me«
»Oh sir« Mr Tupman looked most impressive and Rachael expressed her fear
that more guns were going off in which case of course she would have required
support again
»Do you think my dear nieces pretty« whispered their affectionate aunt to
Mr Tupman
»I should if their aunt wasnt here« replied the ready Pickwickian with a
passionate glance
»Oh you naughty man but really if their complexions were a little little
better dont you think they would be nicelooking girls by candlelight«
»Yes I think they would« said Mr Tupman with an air of indifference
»Oh you quiz I know what you were going to say«
»What« inquired Mr Tupman who had not precisely made up his mind to say
anything at all
»You were going to say that Isabel stoops I know you were you men are
such observers Well so she does it cant be denied and certainly if there
is one thing more than another that makes a girl look ugly it is stooping I
often tell her that when she gets a little older shell be quite frightful
Well you are a quiz«
Mr Tupman had no objection to earning the reputation at so cheap a rate so
he looked very knowing and smiled mysteriously
»What a sarcastic smile« said the admiring Rachael »I declare Im quite
afraid of you«
»Afraid of me«
»Oh you cant disguise anything from me I know what that smile means
very well«
»What« said Mr Tupman who had not the slightest notion himself
»You mean« said the amiable aunt sinking her voice still lower »You
mean that you dont think Isabellas stooping is as bad as Emilys boldness
Well she is bold You cannot think how wretched it makes me sometimes Im sure
I cry about it for hours together my dear brother is so good and so
unsuspicious that he never sees it if he did Im quite certain it would break
his heart I wish I could think it was only manner I hope it may be « here
the affectionate relative heaved a deep sigh and shook her head despondingly
»Im sure aunts talking about us« whispered Miss Emily Wardle to her
sister »Im quite certain of it she looks so malicious«
»Is she« replied Isabella »Hem aunt dear«
»Yes my dear love«
»Im so afraid youll catch cold aunt have a silk handkerchief to tie
round your dear old head you really should take care of yourself consider
your age«
However well deserved this piece of retaliation might have been it was as
vindictive a one as could well have been resorted to There is no guessing in
what form of reply the aunts indignation would have vented itself had not Mr
Wardle unconsciously changed the subject by calling emphatically for Joe
»Damn that boy« said the old gentleman »hes gone to sleep again«
»Very extraordinary boy that« said Mr Pickwick »does he always sleep in
this way«
»Sleep« said the old gentleman »hes always asleep Goes on errands fast
asleep and snores as he waits at table«
»How very odd« said Mr Pickwick
»Ah odd indeed« returned the old gentleman »Im proud of that boy
wouldnt part with him on any account hes a natural curiosity Here Joe
Joe take these things away and open another bottle dye hear«
The fat boy rose opened his eyes swallowed the huge piece of pie he had
been in the act of masticating when he last fell asleep and slowly obeyed his
masters orders gloating languidly over the remains of the feast as he
removed the plates and deposited them in the hamper The fresh bottle was
produced and speedily emptied the hamper was made fast in its old place the
fat boy once more mounted the box the spectacles and pocketglass were again
adjusted and the evolutions of the military recommenced There was a great
fizzing and banging of guns and starting of ladies and then a mine was
sprung to the gratification of everybody and when the mine had gone off the
military and the company followed its example and went off too
»Now mind« said the old gentleman as he shook hands with Mr Pickwick at
the conclusion of a conversation which had been carried on at intervals during
the conclusion of the proceedings »we shall see you all tomorrow«
»Most certainly« replied Mr Pickwick
»You have got the address«
»Manor Farm Dingley Dell« said Mr Pickwick consulting his pocketbook
»Thats it« said the old gentleman »I dont let you off mind under a
week and undertake that you shall see everything worth seeing If youve come
down for a country life come to me and Ill give you plenty of it Joe damn
that boy hes gone to sleep again Joe help Tom put in the horses«
The horses were put in the driver mounted the fat boy clambered up by
his side farewells were exchanged and the carriage rattled off As the
Pickwickians turned round to take a last glimpse of it the setting sun cast a
rich glow on the faces of their entertainers and fell upon the form of the fat
boy His head was sunk upon his bosom and he slumbered again
Chapter V
A Short One Showing among Other Matters How Mr Pickwick Undertook To Drive
and Mr Winkle To Ride and How They Both Did It
Bright and pleasant was the sky balmy the air and beautiful the appearance of
every object around as Mr Pickwick leant over the balustrades of Rochester
Bridge contemplating nature and waiting for breakfast The scene was indeed
one which might well have charmed a far less reflective mind than that to which
it was presented
On the left of the spectator lay the ruined wall broken in many places and
in some overhanging the narrow beach below in rude and heavy masses Huge knots
of seaweed hung upon the jagged and pointed stones trembling in every breath
of wind and the green ivy clung mournfully round the dark and ruined
battlements Behind it rose the ancient castle its towers roofless and its
massive walls crumbling away but telling us proudly of its own might and
strength as when seven hundred years ago it rang with the clash of arms or
resounded with the noise of feasting and revelry On either side the banks of
the Medway covered with cornfields and pastures with here and there a
windmill or a distant church stretched away as far as the eye could see
presenting a rich and varied landscape rendered more beautiful by the changing
shadows which passed swiftly across it as the thin and halfformed clouds
skimmed away in the light of the morning sun The river reflecting the clear
blue of the sky glistened and sparkled as it flowed noiselessly on and the
oars of the fishermen dipped into the water with a clear and liquid sound as
the heavy but picturesque boats glided slowly down the stream
Mr Pickwick was roused from the agreeable reverie into which he had been
led by the objects before him by a deep sigh and a touch on his shoulder He
turned round and the dismal man was at his side
»Contemplating the scene« inquired the dismal man
»I was« said Mr Pickwick
»And congratulating yourself on being up so soon« Mr Pickwick nodded
assent
»Ah people need to rise early to see the sun in all his splendour for his
brightness seldom lasts the day through The morning of day and the morning of
life are but too much alike«
»You speak truly sir« said Mr Pickwick
»How common the saying« continued the dismal man »The mornings too fine
to last How well might it be applied to our everyday existence God what
would I forfeit to have the days of my childhood restored or to be able to
forget them for ever«
»You have seen much trouble sir« said Mr Pickwick compassionately
»I have« said the dismal man hurriedly »I have More than those who see
me now would believe possible« He paused for an instant and then said
abruptly
»Did it ever strike you on such a morning as this that drowning would be
happiness and peace«
»God bless me no« replied Mr Pickwick edging a little from the
balustrade as the possibility of the dismal mans tipping him over by way of
experiment occurred to him rather forcibly
»I have thought so often« said the dismal man without noticing the
action »The calm cool water seems to me to murmur an invitation to repose and
rest A bound a splash a brief struggle there is an eddy for an instant it
gradually subsides into a gentle ripple the waters have closed above your head
and the world has closed upon your miseries and misfortunes for ever« The
sunken eye of the dismal man flashed brightly as he spoke but the momentary
excitement quickly subsided and he turned calmly away as he said
»There enough of that I wish to see you on another subject You invited
me to read that paper the night before last and listened attentively while I
did so«
»I did« replied Mr Pickwick »and I certainly thought «
»I asked for no opinion« said the dismal man interrupting him »and I want
none You are travelling for amusement and instruction Suppose I forwarded you
a curious manuscript observe not curious because wild or improbable but
curious as a leaf from the romance of real life Would you communicate it to the
club of which you have spoken so frequently«
»Certainly« replied Mr Pickwick »if you wished it and it would be
entered on their transactions«
»You shall have it« replied the dismal man »Your address« and Mr
Pickwick having communicated their probable route the dismal man carefully
noted it down in a greasy pocketbook and resisting Mr Pickwicks pressing
invitation to breakfast left that gentleman at his inn and walked slowly away
Mr Pickwick found that his three companions had risen and were waiting his
arrival to commence breakfast which was ready laid in tempting display They
sat down to the meal and broiled ham eggs tea coffee and sundries began to
disappear with a rapidity which at once bore testimony to the excellence of the
fare and the appetites of its consumers
»Now about Manor Farm« said Mr Pickwick »How shall we go«
»We had better consult the waiter perhaps« said Mr Tupman and the waiter
was summoned accordingly
»Dingley Dell gentlemen fifteen miles gentlemen cross road
postchaise sir«
»Postchaise wont hold more than two« said Mr Pickwick
»True sir beg your pardon sir Very nice fourwheeled chaise sir
seat for two behind one in front for the gentleman that drives oh beg your
pardon sir thatll only hold three«
»Whats to be done« said Mr Snodgrass
»Perhaps one of the gentlemen would like to ride sir« suggested the
waiter looking towards Mr Winkle »very good saddle horses sir any of Mr
Wardles men coming to Rochester bring em back sir«
»The very thing« said Mr Pickwick »Winkle will you go on horseback«
Mr Winkle did entertain considerable misgivings in the very lowest recesses
of his own heart relative to his equestrian skill but as he would not have
them even suspected on any account he at once replied with great hardihood
»Certainly I should enjoy it of all things«
Mr Winkle had rushed upon his fate there was no resource »Let them be at
the door by eleven« said Mr Pickwick
»Very well sir« replied the waiter
The waiter retired the breakfast concluded and the travellers ascended to
their respective bedrooms to prepare a change of clothing to take with them
on their approaching expedition
Mr Pickwick had made his preliminary arrangements and was looking over the
coffeeroom blinds at the passengers in the street when the waiter entered and
announced that the chaise was ready an announcement which the vehicle itself
confirmed by forthwith appearing before the coffeeroom blinds aforesaid
It was a curious little green box on four wheels with a low place like a
winebin for two behind and an elevated perch for one in front drawn by an
immense brown horse displaying great symmetry of bone An hostler stood near
holding by the bridle another immense horse apparently a near relative of the
animal in the chaise ready saddled for Mr Winkle
»Bless my soul« said Mr Pickwick as they stood upon the pavement while
the coats were being put in »Bless my soul whos to drive I never thought of
that«
»Oh you of course« said Mr Tupman
»Of course« said Mr Snodgrass
»I« exclaimed Mr Pickwick
»Not the slightest fear sir« interposed the hostler »Warrant him quiet
sir a hinfant in arms might drive him«
»He dont shy does he« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Shy sir He wouldnt shy if he was to meet a vagginload of monkeys with
their tails burnt off«
The last recommendation was indisputable Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass got
into the bin Mr Pickwick ascended to his perch and deposited his feet on a
floorclothed shelf erected beneath it for that purpose
»Now shiny Villiam« said the hostler to the deputy hostler »give the
genlmn the ribbins« »Shiny Villiam« so called probably from his sleek
hair and oily countenance placed the reins in Mr Pickwicks left hand and
the upper hostler thrust a whip into his right
»Wo o« cried Mr Pickwick as the tall quadruped evinced a decided
inclination to back into the coffeeroom window
»Wo o« echoed Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass from the bin
»Only his playfulness genlmn« said the head hostler encouragingly »jist
kitch hold on him Villiam« The deputy restrained the animals impetuosity and
the principal ran to assist Mr Winkle in mounting
»Tother side sir if you please«
»Blowed if the genlmn wornt a gettin up on the wrong side« whispered a
grinning postboy to the inexpressibly gratified waiter
Mr Winkle thus instructed climbed into his saddle with about as much
difficulty as he would have experienced in getting up the side of a firstrate
manofwar
»All right« inquired Mr Pickwick with an inward presentiment that it was
all wrong
»All right« replied Mr Winkle faintly
»Let em go« cried the hostler »Hold him in sir« and away went the
chaise and the saddlehorse with Mr Pickwick on the box of the one and Mr
Winkle on the back of the other to the delight and gratification of the whole
inn yard
»What makes him go sideways« said Mr Snodgrass in the bin to Mr Winkle
in the saddle
»I cant imagine« replied Mr Winkle His horse was drifting up the street
in the most mysterious manner side first with his head towards one side of
the way and his tail towards the other
Mr Pickwick had no leisure to observe either this or any other particular
the whole of his faculties being concentrated in the management of the animal
attached to the chaise who displayed various peculiarities highly interesting
to a bystander but by no means equally amusing to any one seated behind him
Besides constantly jerking his head up in a very unpleasant and uncomfortable
manner and tugging at the reins to an extent which rendered it a matter of
great difficulty for Mr Pickwick to hold them he had a singular propensity for
darting suddenly every now and then to the side of the road then stopping
short and then rushing forward for some minutes at a speed which it was wholly
impossible to control
»What can he mean by this« said Mr Snodgrass when the horse had executed
this manoeuvre for the twentieth time
»I dont know« replied Mr Tupman »it looks very like shying dont it«
Mr Snodgrass was about to reply when he was interrupted by a shout from Mr
Pickwick
»Woo« said that gentleman »I have dropped my whip«
»Winkle« said Mr Snodgrass as the equestrian came trotting up on the tall
horse with his hat over his ears and shaking all over as if he would shake to
pieces with the violence of the exercise »pick up the whip theres a good
fellow« Mr Winkle pulled at the bridle of the tall horse till he was black in
the face and having at length succeeded in stopping him dismounted handed the
whip to Mr Pickwick and grasping the reins prepared to remount
Now whether the tall horse in the natural playfulness of his disposition
was desirous of having a little innocent recreation with Mr Winkle or whether
it occurred to him that he could perform the journey as much to his own
satisfaction without a rider as with one are points upon which of course we
can arrive at no definite and distinct conclusion By whatever motives the
animal was actuated certain it is that Mr Winkle had no sooner touched the
reins than he slipped them over his head and darted backwards to their full
length
»Poor fellow« said Mr Winkle soothingly »poor fellow good old
horse« The poor fellow was proof against flattery the more Mr Winkle tried to
get nearer him the more he sidled away and notwithstanding all kinds of
coaxing and wheedling there were Mr Winkle and the horse going round and round
each other for ten minutes at the end of which time each was at precisely the
same distance from the other as when they first commenced an unsatisfactory
sort of thing under any circumstances but particularly so in a lonely road
where no assistance can be procured
»What am I to do« shouted Mr Winkle after the dodging had been prolonged
for a considerable time »What am I to do I cant get on him«
»You had better lead him till we come to a turnpike« replied Mr Pickwick
from the chaise
»But he wont come« roared Mr Winkle »Do come and hold him«
Mr Pickwick was the very personation of kindness and humanity he threw the
reins on the horses back and having descended from his seat carefully drew
the chaise into the hedge lest anything should come along the road and stepped
back to the assistance of his distressed companion leaving Mr Tupman and Mr
Snodgrass in the vehicle
The horse no sooner beheld Mr Pickwick advancing towards him with the
chaise whip in his hand than he exchanged the rotatory motion in which he had
previously indulged for a retrograde movement of so very determined a
character that it at once drew Mr Winkle who was still at the end of the
bridle at a rather quicker rate than fast walking in the direction from which
they had just come Mr Pickwick ran to his assistance but the faster Mr
Pickwick ran forward the faster the horse ran backward There was a great
scraping of feet and kicking up of the dust and at last Mr Winkle his arms
being nearly pulled out of their sockets fairly let go his hold The horse
paused stared shook his head turned round and quietly trotted home to
Rochester leaving Mr Winkle and Mr Pickwick gazing on each other with
countenances of blank dismay A rattling noise at a little distance attracted
their attention They looked up
»Bless my soul« exclaimed the agonized Mr Pickwick »theres the other
horse running away«
It was but too true The animal was startled by the noise and the reins
were on his back The result may be guessed He tore off with the fourwheeled
chaise behind him and Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass in the fourwheeled chaise
The heat was a short one Mr Tupman threw himself into the hedge Mr Snodgrass
followed his example the horse dashed the fourwheeled chaise against a wooden
bridge separated the wheels from the body and the bin from the perch and
finally stood stock still to gaze upon the ruin he had made
The first care of the two unspilt friends was to extricate their unfortunate
companions from their bed of quickset a process which gave them the
unspeakable satisfaction of discovering that they had sustained no injury
beyond sundry rents in their garments and various lacerations from the
brambles The next thing to be done was to unharness the horse This
complicated process having been effected the party walked slowly forward
leading the horse among them and abandoning the chaise to its fate
An hours walking brought the travellers to a little roadside publichouse
with two elm trees a horse trough and a signpost in front one or two
deformed hayricks behind a kitchen garden at the side and rotten sheds and
mouldering outhouses jumbled in strange confusion all about it A redheaded
man was working in the garden and to him Mr Pickwick called lustily »Hallo
there«
The redheaded man raised his body shaded his eyes with his hand and
stared long and coolly at Mr Pickwick and his companions
»Hallo there« repeated Mr Pickwick
»Hallo« was the redheaded mans reply
»How far is it to Dingley Dell«
»Better er seven mile«
»Is it a good road«
»No tant« Having uttered this brief reply and apparently satisfied
himself with another scrutiny the redheaded man resumed his work
»We want to put this horse up here« said Mr Pickwick »I suppose we can
cant we«
»Want to put that ere horse up do ee« repeated the redheaded man leaning
on his spade
»Of course« replied Mr Pickwick who had by this time advanced horse in
hand to the garden rails
»Missus« roared the man with the red head emerging from the garden and
looking very hard at the horse »Missus«
A tall bony woman straight all the way down in a coarse blue pelisse
with the waist an inch or two below her armpits responded to the call
»Can we put this horse up here my good woman« said Mr Tupman advancing
and speaking in his most seductive tones The woman looked very hard at the
whole party and the redheaded man whispered something in her ear
»No« replied the woman after a little consideration »Im afeerd on it«
»Afraid« exclaimed Mr Pickwick »whats the woman afraid of«
»It got us in trouble last time« said the woman turning into the house »I
woant have nothin to say to un«
»Most extraordinary thing I ever met with in my life« said the astonished
Mr Pickwick
»I I really believe« whispered Mr Winkle as his friends gathered
round him »that they think we have come by this horse in some dishonest
manner«
»What« exclaimed Mr Pickwick in a storm of indignation Mr Winkle
modestly repeated his suggestion
»Hallo you fellow« said the angry Mr Pickwick »do you think we stole
this horse«
»Im sure ye did« replied the redheaded man with a grin which agitated
his countenance from one auricular organ to the other Saying which he turned
into the house and banged the door after him
»Its like a dream« ejaculated Mr Pickwick »a hideous dream The idea of
a mans walking about all day with a dreadful horse that he cant get rid of«
The depressed Pickwickians turned moodily away with the tall quadruped for
which they all felt the most unmitigated disgust following slowly at their
heels
It was late in the afternoon when the four friends and their fourfooted
companion turned into the lane leading to Manor Farm and even when they were so
near their place of destination the pleasure they would otherwise have
experienced was materially damped as they reflected on the singularity of their
appearance and the absurdity of their situation Torn clothes lacerated faces
dusty shoes exhausted looks and above all the horse Oh how Mr Pickwick
cursed that horse he had eyed the noble animal from time to time with looks
expressive of hatred and revenge more than once he had calculated the probable
amount of the expense he would incur by cutting his throat and now the
temptation to destroy him or to cast him loose upon the world rushed upon his
mind with tenfold force He was roused from a meditation on these dire
imaginings by the sudden appearance of two figures at a turn of the lane It
was Mr Wardle and his faithful attendant the fat boy
»Why where have you been« said the hospitable old gentleman »Ive been
waiting for you all day Well you do look tired What Scratches Not hurt I
hope eh Well I am glad to hear that very So youve been spilt eh Never
mind Common accident in these parts Joe hes asleep again Joe take that
horse from the gentleman and lead it into the stable«
The fat boy sauntered heavily behind them with the animal and the old
gentleman condoling with his guests in homely phrase on so much of the days
adventures as they thought proper to communicate led the way to the kitchen
»Well have you put to rights here« said the old gentleman »and then Ill
introduce you to the people in the parlour Emma bring out the cherry brandy
now Jane a needle and thread here towels and water Mary Come girls bustle
about«
Three or four buxom girls speedily dispersed in search of the different
articles in requisition while a couple of largeheaded circularvisaged males
rose from their seats in the chimneycorner for although it was a May evening
their attachment to the wood fire appeared as cordial as if it were Christmas
and dived into some obscure recesses from which they speedily produced a bottle
of blacking and some halfdozen brushes
»Bustle« said the old gentleman again but the admonition was quite
unnecessary for one of the girls poured out the cherry brandy and another
brought in the towels and one of the men suddenly seizing Mr Pickwick by the
leg at imminent hazard of throwing him off his balance brushed away at his
boot till his corns were redhot while the other shampood Mr Winkle with a
heavy clothesbrush indulging during the operation in that hissing sound
which hostlers are wont to produce when engaged in rubbing down a horse
Mr Snodgrass having concluded his ablutions took a survey of the room
while standing with his back to the fire sipping his cherry brandy with
heartfelt satisfaction He describes it as a large apartment with a red brick
floor and a capacious chimney the ceiling garnished with hams sides of bacon
and ropes of onions The walls were decorated with several huntingwhips two or
three bridles a saddle and an old rusty blunderbuss with an inscription below
it intimating that it was Loaded as it had been on the same authority for
half a century at least An old eightday clock of solemn and sedate demeanour
ticked gravely in one corner and a silver watch of equal antiquity dangled
from one of the many hooks which ornamented the dresser
»Ready« said the old gentleman inquiringly when his guests had been
washed mended brushed and brandied
»Quite« replied Mr Pickwick
»Come along then« and the party having traversed several dark passages
and being joined by Mr Tupman who had lingered behind to snatch a kiss from
Emma for which he had been duly rewarded with sundry pushings and scratchings
arrived at the parlour door
»Welcome« said their hospitable host throwing it open and stepping forward
to announce them »Welcome gentlemen to Manor Farm«
Chapter VI
An OldFashioned CardParty The Clergymans Verses The Story of the Convicts
Return
Several guests who were assembled in the old parlour rose to greet Mr Pickwick
and his friends upon their entrance and during the performance of the ceremony
of introduction with all due formalities Mr Pickwick had leisure to observe
the appearance and speculate upon the characters and pursuits of the persons
by whom he was surrounded a habit in which he in common with many other great
men delighted to indulge
A very old lady in a lofty cap and faded silk gown no less a personage
than Mr Wardles mother occupied the post of honour on the righthand corner
of the chimneypiece and various certificates of her having been brought up in
the way she should go when young and of her not having departed from it when
old ornamented the walls in the form of samplers of ancient date worsted
landscapes of equal antiquity and crimson silk teakettle holders of a more
modern period The aunt the two young ladies and Mr Wardle each vying with
the other in paying zealous and unremitting attentions to the old lady crowded
round her easychair one holding her eartrumpet another an orange and a
third a smellingbottle while a fourth was busily engaged in patting and
punching the pillows which were arranged for her support On the opposite side
sat a baldheaded old gentleman with a goodhumoured benevolent face the
clergyman of Dingley Dell and next him sat his wife a stout blooming old lady
who looked as if she were well skilled not only in the art and mystery of
manufacturing homemade cordials greatly to other peoples satisfaction but of
tasting them occasionally very much to her own A little hardheaded
Ribstonpippinfaced man was conversing with a fat old gentleman in one corner
and two or three more old gentlemen and two or three more old ladies sat bolt
upright and motionless on their chairs staring very hard at Mr Pickwick and
his fellowvoyagers
»Mr Pickwick mother« said Mr Wardle at the very top of his voice
»Ah« said the old lady shaking her head »I cant hear you«
»Mr Pickwick grandma« screamed both the young ladies together
»Ah« exclaimed the old lady »Well it dont much matter He dont care for
an old ooman like me I dare say«
»I assure you maam« said Mr Pickwick grasping the old ladys hand and
speaking so loud that the exertion imparted a crimson hue to his benevolent
countenance »I assure you maam that nothing delights me more than to see a
lady of your time of life heading so fine a family and looking so young and
well«
»Ah« said the old lady after a short pause »its all very fine I dare
say but I cant hear him«
»Grandmas rather put out now« said Miss Isabella Wardle in a low tone
»but shell talk to you presently«
Mr Pickwick nodded his readiness to humour the infirmities of age and
entered into a general conversation with the other members of the circle
»Delightful situation this« said Mr Pickwick
»Delightful« echoed Messrs Snodgrass Tupman and Winkle
»Well I think it is« said Mr Wardle
»There ant a better spot o ground in all Kent sir« said the hardheaded
man with the pippinface »there ant indeed sir Im sure there ant sir«
The hardheaded man looked triumphantly round as if he had been very much
contradicted by somebody but had got the better of him at last
»There ant a better spot o ground in all Kent« said the hardheaded man
again after a pause
»Cept Mullinss Meadows« observed the fat man solemnly
»Mullinss Meadows« ejaculated the other with profound contempt
»Ah Mullinss Meadows« repeated the fat man
»Reglar good land that« interposed another fat man
»And so it is surely« said a third fat man
»Everybody knows that« said the corpulent host
The hardheaded man looked dubiously round but finding himself in a
minority assumed a compassionate air and said no more
»What are they talking about« inquired the old lady of one of her
granddaughters in a very audible voice for like many deaf people she never
seemed to calculate on the possibility of other persons hearing what she said
herself
»About the land grandma«
»What about the land Nothing the matter is there«
»No no Mr Miller was saying our land was better than Mullinss Meadows«
»How should he know anything about it« inquired the old lady indignantly
»Millers a conceited coxcomb and you may tell him I said so« Saying which
the old lady quite unconscious that she had spoken above a whisper drew
herself up and looked carvingknives at the hardheaded delinquent
»Come come« said the bustling host with a natural anxiety to change the
conversation »What say you to a rubber Mr Pickwick«
»I should like it of all things« replied that gentleman »but pray dont
make up one on my account«
»Oh I assure you mothers very fond of a rubber« said Mr Wardle »ant
you mother«
The old lady who was much less deaf on this subject than on any other
replied in the affirmative
»Joe Joe« said the old gentleman »Joe damn that oh here he is put
out the cardtables«
The lethargic youth contrived without any additional rousing to set out two
cardtables the one for Pope Joan and the other for whist The whistplayers
were Mr Pickwick and the old lady Mr Miller and the fat gentleman The round
game comprised the rest of the company
The rubber was conducted with all that gravity of deportment and sedateness
of demeanour which befit the pursuit entitled whist a solemn observance to
which as it appears to us the title of game has been very irreverently and
ignominiously applied The roundgame table on the other hand was so
boisterously merry as materially to interrupt the contemplations of Mr Miller
who not being quite so much absorbed as he ought to have been contrived to
commit various high crimes and misdemeanours which excited the wrath of the fat
gentleman to a very great extent and called forth the goodhumour of the old
lady in a proportionate degree
»There« said the criminal Miller triumphantly as he took up the odd trick
at the conclusion of a hand »that could not have been played better I flatter
myself impossible to have made another trick«
»Miller ought to have trumped the diamond oughtnt he sir« said the old
lady
Mr Pickwick nodded assent
»Ought I though« said the unfortunate with a doubtful appeal to his
partner
»You ought sir« said the fat gentleman in an awful voice
»Very sorry« said the crestfallen Miller
»Much use that« growled the fat gentleman
»Two by honours makes us eight« said Mr Pickwick
Another hand »Can you one« inquired the old lady
»I can« replied Mr Pickwick »Double single and the rub«
»Never was such luck« said Mr Miller
»Never was such cards« said the fat gentleman
A solemn silence Mr Pickwick humorous the old lady serious the fat
gentleman captious and Mr Miller timorous
»Another double« said the old lady triumphantly making a memorandum of the
circumstance by placing one sixpence and a battered halfpenny under the
candlestick
»A double sir« said Mr Pickwick
»Quite aware of the fact sir« replied the fat gentleman sharply
Another game with a similar result was followed by a revoke from the
unlucky Miller on which the fat gentleman burst into a state of high personal
excitement which lasted until the conclusion of the game when he retired into a
corner and remained perfectly mute for one hour and twentyseven minutes at
the end of which time he emerged from his retirement and offered Mr Pickwick a
pinch of snuff with the air of a man who had made up his mind to a Christian
forgiveness of injuries sustained The old ladys hearing decidedly improved
and the unlucky Miller felt as much out of his element as a dolphin in a
sentrybox
Meanwhile the round game proceeded right merrily Isabella Wardle and Mr
Trundle went partners and Emily Wardle and Mr Snodgrass did the same and even
Mr Tupman and the spinster aunt established a jointstock company of fish and
flattery Old Mr Wardle was in the very height of his jollity and he was so
funny in his management of the board and the old ladies were so sharp after
their winnings that the whole table was in a perpetual roar of merriment and
laughter There was one old lady who always had about half a dozen cards to pay
for at which everybody laughed regularly every round and when the old lady
looked cross at having to pay they laughed louder than ever on which the old
ladys face gradually brightened up till at last she laughed louder than any of
them Then when the spinster aunt got matrimony the young ladies laughed
afresh and the spinster aunt seemed disposed to be pettish till feeling Mr
Tupman squeezing her hand under the table she brightened up too and looked
rather knowing as if matrimony in reality were not quite so far off as some
people thought for whereupon everybody laughed again and especially old Mr
Wardle who enjoyed a joke as much as the youngest As to Mr Snodgrass he did
nothing but whisper poetical sentiments into his partners ear which made one
old gentleman facetiously sly about partnerships at cards and partnerships for
life and caused the aforesaid old gentleman to make some remarks thereupon
accompanied with divers winks and chuckles which made the company very merry
and the old gentlemans wife especially so And Mr Winkle came out with jokes
which are very well known in town but are not at all known in the country and
as everybody laughed at them very heartily and said they were very capital Mr
Winkle was in a state of great honour and glory And the benevolent clergyman
looked pleasantly on for the happy faces which surrounded the table made the
good old man feel happy too and though the merriment was rather boisterous
still it came from the heart and not from the lips and this is the right sort
of merriment after all
The evening glided swiftly away in these cheerful recreations and when the
substantial though homely supper had been despatched and the little party
formed a social circle round the fire Mr Pickwick thought he had never felt so
happy in his life and at no time so much disposed to enjoy and make the most
of the passing moment
»Now this« said the hospitable host who was sitting in great state next
the old ladys armchair with her hand fast clasped in his »This is just what
I like the happiest moments of my life have been passed at this old fireside
and I am so attached to it that I keep up a blazing fire here every evening
until it actually grows too hot to bear it Why my poor old mother here used
to sit before this fireplace upon that little stool when she was a girl didnt
you mother«
The tear which starts unbidden to the eye when the recollection of old times
and the happiness of many years ago is suddenly recalled stole down the old
ladys face as she shook her head with a melancholy smile
»You must excuse my talking about this old place Mr Pickwick« resumed the
host after a short pause »for I love it dearly and know no other the old
houses and fields seem like living friends to me and so does our little church
with the ivy about which bythebye our excellent friend there made a song
when he first came amongst us Mr Snodgrass have you anything in your glass«
»Plenty thank you« replied that gentleman whose poetic curiosity had been
greatly excited by the last observations of his entertainer »I beg your pardon
but you were talking about the song of the Ivy«
»You must ask our friend opposite about that« said the host knowingly
indicating the clergyman by a nod of his head
»May I say that I should like to hear you repeat it sir« said Mr
Snodgrass
»Why really« replied the clergyman »its a very slight affair and the
only excuse I have for having ever perpetrated it is that I was a young man at
the time Such as it is however you shall hear it if you wish«
A murmur of curiosity was of course the reply and the old gentleman
proceeded to recite with the aid of sundry promptings from his wife the lines
in question »I call them« said he
The Ivy Green
Oh a dainty plant is the Ivy green
That creepeth oer ruins old
Of right choice food are his meals I ween
In his cell so lone and cold
The wall must be crumbled the stone decayed
To pleasure his dainty whim
And the mouldering dust that years have made
Is a merry meal for him
Creeping where no life is seen
A rare old plant is the Ivy green
Fast he stealeth on though he wears no wings
And a staunch old heart has he
How closely he twineth how tight he clings
To his friend the huge Oak Tree
And slily he traileth along the ground
And his leaves he gently waves
As he joyously hugs and crawleth round
The rich mould of dead mens graves
Creeping where grim death has been
A rare old plant is the Ivy green
Whole ages have fled and their works decayed
And nations have scattered been
But the stout old Ivy shall never fade
From its hale and hearty green
The brave old plant in its lonely days
Shall fatten upon the past
For the stateliest building man can raise
Is the Ivys food at last
Creeping on where time has been
A rare old plant is the Ivy green
While the old gentleman repeated these lines a second time to enable Mr
Snodgrass to note them down Mr Pickwick perused the lineaments of his face
with an expression of great interest The old gentleman having concluded his
dictation and Mr Snodgrass having returned his notebook to his pocket Mr
Pickwick said
»Excuse me sir for making the remark on so short an acquaintance but a
gentleman like yourself cannot fail I should think to have observed many
scenes and incidents worth recording in the course of your experience as a
minister of the Gospel«
»I have witnessed some certainly« replied the old gentleman »but the
incidents and characters have been of a homely and ordinary nature my sphere of
action being so very limited«
»You did make some notes I think about John Edmunds did you not«
inquired Mr Wardle who appeared very desirous to draw his friend out for the
edification of his new visitors
The old gentleman slightly nodded his head in token of assent and was
proceeding to change the subject when Mr Pickwick said
»I beg your pardon sir but pray if I may venture to inquire who was John
Edmunds«
»The very thing I was about to ask« said Mr Snodgrass eagerly
»You are fairly in for it« said the jolly host »You must satisfy the
curiosity of these gentlemen sooner or later so you had better take advantage
of this favourable opportunity and do so at once«
The old gentleman smiled goodhumouredly as he drew his chair forward the
remainder of the party drew their chairs closer together especially Mr Tupman
and the spinster aunt who were possibly rather hard of hearing and the old
ladys ear trumpet having been duly adjusted and Mr Miller who had fallen
asleep during the recital of the verses roused from his slumbers by an
admonitory pinch administered beneath the table by his expartner the solemn
fat man the old gentleman without farther preface commenced the following
tale to which we have taken the liberty of prefixing the title of
The Convicts Return
»When I first settled in this village« said the old gentleman »which is now
just fiveandtwenty years ago the most notorious person among my parishioners
was a man of the name of Edmunds who leased a small farm near this spot He was
a morose savagehearted bad man idle and dissolute in his habits cruel and
ferocious in his disposition Beyond the few lazy and reckless vagabonds with
whom he sauntered away his time in the fields or sotted in the alehouse he
had not a single friend or acquaintance no one cared to speak to the man whom
many feared and every one detested and Edmunds was shunned by all
This man had a wife and one son who when I first came here was about
twelve years old Of the acuteness of that womans sufferings of the gentle and
enduring manner in which she bore them of the agony of solicitude with which
she reared that boy no one can form an adequate conception Heaven forgive me
the supposition if it be an uncharitable one but I do firmly and in my soul
believe that the man systematically tried for many years to break her heart
but she bore it all for her childs sake and however strange it may seem to
many for his fathers too for brute as he was and cruelly as he had treated
her she had loved him once and the recollection of what he had been to her
awakened feelings of forbearance and meekness under suffering in her bosom to
which all Gods creatures but women are strangers
They were poor they could not be otherwise when the man pursued such
courses but the womans unceasing and unwearied exertions early and late
morning noon and night kept them above actual want Those exertions were but
ill repaid People who passed the spot in the evening sometimes at a late hour
of the night reported that they had heard the moans and sobs of a woman in
distress and the sound of blows and more than once when it was past midnight
the boy knocked softly at the door of a neighbours house whither he had been
sent to escape the drunken fury of his unnatural father
During the whole of this time and when the poor creature often bore about
her marks of illusage and violence which she could not wholly conceal she was
a constant attendant at our little church Regularly every Sunday morning and
afternoon she occupied the same seat with the boy at her side and though they
were both poorly dressed much more so than many of their neighbours who were
in a lower station they were always neat and clean Every one had a friendly
nod and a kind word for poor Mrs Edmunds and sometimes when she stopped to
exchange a few words with a neighbour at the conclusion of the service in the
little row of elm trees which leads to the church porch or lingered behind to
gaze with a mothers pride and fondness upon her healthy boy as he sported
before her with some little companions her careworn face would lighten up with
an expression of heartfelt gratitude and she would look if not cheerful and
happy at least tranquil and contented
Five or six years passed away the boy had become a robust and wellgrown
youth The time that had strengthened the childs slight frame and knit his weak
limbs into the strength of manhood had bowed his mothers form and enfeebled
her steps but the arm that should have supported her was no longer locked in
hers the face that should have cheered her no more looked upon her own She
occupied her old seat but there was a vacant one beside her The Bible was kept
as carefully as ever the places were found and folded down as they used to be
but there was no one to read it with her and the tears fell thick and fast upon
the book and blotted the words from her eyes Neighbours were as kind as they
were wont to be of old but she shunned their greetings with averted head There
was no lingering among the old elm trees now no cheering anticipations of
happiness yet in store The desolate woman drew her bonnet closer over her face
and walked hurriedly away
Shall I tell you that the young man who looking back to the earliest of
his childhoods days to which memory and consciousness extended and carrying
his recollection down to that moment could remember nothing which was not in
some way connected with a long series of voluntary privations suffered by his
mother for his sake with illusage and insult and violence and all endured
for him shall I tell you that he with a reckless disregard of her breaking
heart and a sullen wilful forgetfulness of all she had done and borne for him
had linked himself with depraved and abandoned men and was madly pursuing a
headlong career which must bring death to him and shame to her Alas for human
nature You have anticipated it long since
The measure of the unhappy womans misery and misfortune was about to be
completed Numerous offences had been committed in the neighbourhood the
perpetrators remained undiscovered and their boldness increased A robbery of a
daring and aggravated nature occasioned a vigilance of pursuit and a strictness
of search they had not calculated on Young Edmunds was suspected with three
companions He was apprehended committed tried condemned to die
The wild and piercing shriek from a womans voice which resounded through
the court when the solemn sentence was pronounced rings in my ears at this
moment That cry struck a terror to the culprits heart which trial
condemnation the approach of death itself had failed to awaken The lips
which had been compressed in dogged sullenness throughout quivered and parted
involuntarily the face turned ashy pale as the cold perspiration broke forth
from every pore the sturdy limbs of the felon trembled and he staggered in the
dock
In the first transports of her mental anguish the suffering mother threw
herself upon her knees at my feet and fervently besought the Almighty Being who
had hitherto supported her in all her troubles to release her from a world of
woe and misery and to spare the life of her only child A burst of grief and a
violent struggle such as I hope I may never have to witness again succeeded I
knew that her heart was breaking from that hour but I never once heard
complaint or murmur escape her lips
It was a piteous spectacle to see that woman in the prison yard from day to
day eagerly and fervently attempting by affection and entreaty to soften the
hard heart of her obdurate son It was in vain He remained moody obstinate
and unmoved Not even the unlookedfor commutation of his sentence to
transportation for fourteen years softened for an instant the sullen hardihood
of his demeanour
But the spirit of resignation and endurance that had so long upheld her was
unable to contend against bodily weakness and infirmity She fell sick She
dragged her tottering limbs from the bed to visit her son once more but her
strength failed her and she sunk powerless on the ground
And now the boasted coldness and indifference of the young man were tested
indeed and the retribution that fell heavily upon him nearly drove him mad A
day passed away and his mother was not there another flew by and she came not
near him a third evening arrived and yet he had not seen her and in
fourandtwenty hours he was to be separated from her perhaps for ever Oh
how the longforgotten thoughts of former days rushed upon his mind as he
almost ran up and down the narrow yard as if intelligence would arrive the
sooner for his hurrying and how bitterly a sense of his helplessness and
desolation rushed upon him when he heard the truth His mother the only parent
he had ever known lay ill it might be dying within one mile of the ground
he stood on were he free and unfettered a few minutes would place him by her
side He rushed to the gate and grasping the iron rails with the energy of
desperation shook it till it rang again and threw himself against the thick
wall as if to force a passage through the stone but the strong building mocked
his feeble efforts and he beat his hands together and wept like a child
I bore the mothers forgiveness and blessing to her son in prison and I
carried his solemn assurance of repentance and his fervent supplication for
pardon to her sick bed I heard with pity and compassion the repentant man
devise a thousand little plans for her comfort and support when he returned but
I knew that many months before he could reach his place of destination his
mother would be no longer of this world
He was removed by night A few weeks afterwards the poor womans soul took
its flight I confidently hope and solemnly believe to a place of eternal
happiness and rest I performed the burial service over her remains She lies in
our little churchyard There is no stone at her graves head Her sorrows were
known to man her virtues to God
It had been arranged previously to the convicts departure that he should
write to his mother as soon as he could obtain permission and that the letter
should be addressed to me The father had positively refused to see his son from
the moment of his apprehension and it was a matter of indifference to him
whether he lived or died Many years passed over without any intelligence of
him and when more than half his term of transportation had expired and I had
received no letter I concluded him to be dead as indeed I almost hoped he
might be
Edmunds however had been sent a considerable distance up the country on
his arrival at the settlement and to this circumstance perhaps may be
attributed the fact that though several letters were despatched none of them
ever reached my hands He remained in the same place during the whole fourteen
years At the expiration of the term, steadily adhering to his old resolution
and the pledge he gave his mother he made his way back to England amidst
innumerable difficulties and returned on foot to his native place
On a fine Sunday evening in the month of August John Edmunds set foot in
the village he had left with shame and disgrace seventeen years before His
nearest way lay through the churchyard The mans heart swelled as he crossed
the stile The tall old elms through whose branches the declining sun cast here
and there a rich ray of light upon the shady path awakened the associations of
his earliest days He pictured himself as he was then clinging to his mothers
hand and walking peacefully to church He remembered how he used to look up
into her pale face and how her eyes would sometimes fill with tears as she
gazed upon his features tears which fell hot upon his forehead as she stooped
to kiss him and made him weep too although he little knew then what bitter
tears hers were He thought how often he had run merrily down that path with
some childish playfellow looking back ever and again to catch his mothers
smile or hear her gentle voice and then a veil seemed lifted from his memory
and words of kindness unrequited and warnings despised and promises broken
thronged upon his recollection till his heart failed him and he could bear it
no longer
He entered the church The evening service was concluded and the
congregation had dispersed but it was not yet closed His steps echoed through
the low building with a hollow sound and he almost feared to be alone it was
so still and quiet He looked round him Nothing was changed The place seemed
smaller than it used to be but there were the old monuments on which he had
gazed with childish awe a thousand times the little pulpit with its faded
cushion the Communiontable before which he had so often repeated the
Commandments he had reverenced as a child and forgotten as a man He approached
the old seat it looked cold and desolate The cushion had been removed and the
Bible was not there Perhaps his mother now occupied a poorer seat or possibly
she had grown infirm and could not reach the church alone He dared not think of
what he feared A cold feeling crept over him and he trembled violently as he
turned away
An old man entered the porch just as he reached it Edmunds started back
for he knew him well many a time he had watched him digging graves in the
churchyard What would he say to the returned convict
The old man raised his eyes to the strangers face bid him good evening
and walked slowly on He had forgotten him
He walked down the hill and through the village The weather was warm and
the people were sitting at their doors or strolling in their little gardens as
he passed enjoying the serenity of the evening and their rest from labour
Many a look was turned towards him and many a doubtful glance he cast on either
side to see whether any knew and shunned him There were strange faces in almost
every house in some he recognised the burly form of some old schoolfellow a
boy when he last saw him surrounded by a troop of merry children in others he
saw seated in an easy at a cottage door a feeble and infirm old man whom he
only remembered as a hale and hearty labourer but they had all forgotten him
and he passed on unknown
The last soft light of the setting sun had fallen on the earth casting a
rich glow on the yellow corn sheaves and lengthening the shadows of the orchard
trees as he stood before the old house the home of his infancy to which his
heart had yearned with an intensity of affection not to be described through
long and weary years of captivity and sorrow The paling was low though he well
remembered the time when it had seemed a high wall to him and he looked over
into the old garden There were more seeds and gayer flowers than there used to
be but there were the old trees still the very tree under which he had lain
a thousand times when tired of playing in the sun and felt the soft mild sleep
of happy boyhood steal gently upon him There were voices within the house He
listened but they fell strangely upon his ear he knew them not They were
merry too and he well knew that his poor old mother could not be cheerful and
he away The door opened and a group of little children bounded out shouting
and romping The father with a little boy in his arms appeared at the door
and they crowded round him clapping their tiny hands and dragging him out to
join their joyous sports The convict thought on the many times he had shrunk
from his fathers sight in that very place He remembered how often he had
buried his trembling head beneath the bedclothes and heard the harsh word and
the hard stripe and his mothers wailing and though the man sobbed aloud with
agony of mind as he left the spot his fist was clenched and his teeth were
set in fierce and deadly passion
And such was the return to which he had looked through the weary perspective
of many years and for which he had undergone so much suffering No face of
welcome no look of forgiveness no house to receive no hand to help him and
this too in the old village What was his loneliness in the wild thick woods
where man was never seen to this
He felt that in the distant land of his bondage and infamy he had thought
of his native place as it was when he left it not as it would be when he
returned The sad reality struck coldly at his heart and his spirit sank within
him He had not courage to make inquiries or to present himself to the only
person who was likely to receive him with kindness and compassion He walked
slowly on and shunning the roadside like a guilty man turned into a meadow he
well remembered and covering his face with his hands threw himself upon the
grass
He had not observed that a man was lying on the bank beside him his
garments rustled as he turned round to steal a look at the newcomer and
Edmunds raised his head
The man had moved into a sitting posture His body was much bent and his
face was wrinkled and yellow His dress denoted him an inmate of the workhouse
he had the appearance of being very old but it looked more the effect of
dissipation or disease than length of years He was staring hard at the
stranger and though his eyes were lustreless and heavy at first they appeared
to glow with an unnatural and alarmed expression after they had been fixed upon
him for a short time until they seemed to be starting from their sockets
Edmunds gradually raised himself to his knees and looked more and more
earnestly upon the old mans face They gazed upon each other in silence
The old man was ghastly pale He shuddered and tottered to his feet Edmunds
sprang to his He stepped back a pace or two Edmunds advanced
Let me hear you speak said the convict in a thick broken voice
Stand off cried the old man with a dreadful oath The convict drew closer
to him
Stand off shrieked the old man Furious with terror he raised his stick
and struck Edmunds a heavy blow across the face
Father devil murmured the convict between his set teeth He rushed
wildly forward and clenched the old man by the throat but he was his father
and his arm fell powerless by his side
The old man uttered a loud yell which rang through the lonely fields like
the howl of an evil spirit His face turned black the gore rushed from his
mouth and nose and dyed the grass a deep dark red as he staggered and fell He
had ruptured a bloodvessel and he was a dead man before his son could raise
him
In that corner of the churchyard« said the old gentleman after a silence of a
few moments »in that corner of the churchyard of which I have before spoken
there lies buried a man who was in my employment for three years after this
event and who was truly contrite penitent and humbled if ever man was No
one save myself knew in that mans lifetime who he was or whence he came it
was John Edmunds the returned convict«
Chapter VII
How Mr Winkle Instead of Shooting at the Pigeon and Killing the Crow Shot at
the Crow and Wounded the Pigeon How the Dingley Dell Cricket Club Played
AllMuggleton and How AllMuggleton Dined at the Dingley Dell Expense with
Other Interesting and Instructive Matters
The fatiguing adventures of the day or the somniferous influence of the
clergymans tale operated so strongly on the drowsy tendencies of Mr Pickwick
that in less than five minutes after he had been shown to his comfortable
bedroom he fell into a sound and dreamless sleep from which he was only
awakened by the morning sun darting his bright beams reproachfully into the
apartment Mr Pickwick was no sluggard and he sprang like an ardent warrior
from his tent bedstead
»Pleasant pleasant country« sighed the enthusiastic gentleman as he
opened his lattice window »Who could live to gaze from day to day on bricks and
slates who had once felt the influence of a scene like this Who could continue
to exist, where there are no cows but the cows on the chimneypots nothing
redolent of Pan but pantiles no crop but stone crop Who could bear to drag
out a life in such a spot Who I ask could endure it« and having
crossexamined solitude after the most approved precedents at considerable
length Mr Pickwick thrust his head out of the lattice and looked around him
The rich sweet smell of the hayricks rose to his chamber window the
hundred perfumes of the little flowergarden beneath scented the air around the
deepgreen meadows shone in the morning dew that glistened on every leaf as it
trembled in the gentle air and the birds sang as if every sparkling drop were a
fountain of inspiration to them Mr Pickwick fell into an enchanting and
delicious reverie
»Hallo« was the sound that roused him
He looked to the right but he saw nobody his eyes wandered to the left
and pierced the prospect he stared into the sky but he wasnt wanted there
and then he did what a common mind would have done at once looked into the
garden and there saw Mr Wardle
»How are you« said that goodhumoured individual out of breath with his
own anticipations of pleasure »Beautiful morning ant it Glad to see you up
so early Make haste down and come out Ill wait for you here«
Mr Pickwick needed no second invitation Ten minutes sufficed for the
completion of his toilet and at the expiration of that time he was by the old
gentlemans side
»Hallo« said Mr Pickwick in his turn seeing that his companion was armed
with a gun and that another lay ready on the grass »Whats going forward«
»Why your friend and I« replied the host »are going out rookshooting
before breakfast Hes a very good shot ant he«
»Ive heard him say hes a capital one« replied Mr Pickwick »but I never
saw him aim at anything«
»Well« said the host »I wish hed come Joe Joe«
The fat boy who under the exciting influence of the morning did not appear
to be more than three parts and a fraction asleep emerged from the house
»Go up and call the gentleman and tell him hell find me and Mr Pickwick
in the rookery Show the gentleman the way there dye hear«
The boy departed to execute his commission and the host carrying both guns
like a second Robinson Crusoe led the way from the garden
»This is the place« said the old gentleman pausing after a few minutes
walking in an avenue of trees The information was unnecessary for the
incessant cawing of the unconscious rooks sufficiently indicated their
whereabout
The old gentleman laid one gun on the ground and loaded the other
»Here they are« said Mr Pickwick and as he spoke the forms of Mr
Tupman Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle appeared in the distance The fat boy not
being quite certain which gentleman he was directed to call had with peculiar
sagacity and to prevent the possibility of any mistake called them all
»Come along« shouted the old gentleman addressing Mr Winkle »a keen hand
like you ought to have been up long ago even to such poor work as this«
Mr Winkle responded with a forced smile and took up the spare gun with an
expression of countenance which a metaphysical rook impressed with a foreboding
of his approaching death by violence may be supposed to assume It might have
been keenness but it looked remarkably like misery
The old gentleman nodded and two ragged boys who had been marshalled to the
spot under the direction of the infant Lambert forthwith commenced climbing up
two of the trees
»What are those lads for« inquired Mr Pickwick abruptly He was rather
alarmed for he was not quite certain but that the distress of the agricultural
interest about which he had often heard a great deal might have compelled the
small boys attached to the soil to earn a precarious and hazardous subsistence
by making marks of themselves for inexperienced sportsmen
»Only to start the game« replied Mr Wardle laughing
»To what« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Why in plain English to frighten the rooks«
»Oh is that all«
»You are satisfied«
»Quite«
»Very well Shall I begin«
»If you please« said Mr Winkle glad of any respite
»Stand aside then Now for it«
The boy shouted and shook a branch with a nest on it Half a dozen young
rooks in violent conversation flew out to ask what the matter was The old
gentleman fired by way of reply Down fell one bird and off flew the others
»Take him up Joe« said the old gentleman
There was a smile upon the youths face as he advanced Indistinct visions
of rookpie floated through his imagination He laughed as he retired with the
bird it was a plump one
»Now Mr Winkle« said the host reloading his own gun »Fire away«
Mr Winkle advanced and levelled his gun Mr Pickwick and his friends
cowered involuntarily to escape damage from the heavy fall of rooks which they
felt quite certain would be occasioned by the devastating barrel of their
friend There was a solemn pause a shout a flapping of wings a faint
click
»Hallo« said the old gentleman
»Wont it go« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Missed fire« said Mr Winkle who was very pale probably from
disappointment
»Odd« said the old gentleman taking the gun »Never knew one of them miss
fire before Why I dont see anything of the cap«
»Bless my soul« said Mr Winkle »I declare I forgot the cap«
The slight omission was rectified Mr Pickwick crouched again Mr Winkle
stepped forward with an air of determination and resolution and Mr Tupman
looked out from behind a tree The boy shouted four birds flew out Mr Winkle
fired There was a scream as of an individual not a rook in corporeal
anguish Mr Tupman had saved the lives of innumerable unoffending birds by
receiving a portion of the charge in his left arm
To describe the confusion that ensued would be impossible To tell how Mr
Pickwick in the first transports of his emotion called Mr Winkle Wretch how
Mr Tupman lay prostrate on the ground and how Mr Winkle knelt horrorstricken
beside him how Mr Tupman called distractedly upon some feminine Christian
name and then opened first one eye and then the other and then fell back and
shut them both all this would be as difficult to describe in detail as it
would be to depict the gradual recovering of the unfortunate individual the
binding up of his arm with pockethandkerchiefs and the conveying him back by
slow degrees supported by the arms of his anxious friends
They drew near the house The ladies were at the gardengate waiting for
their arrival and their breakfast The spinster aunt appeared she smiled and
beckoned them to walk quicker Twas evident she knew not of the disaster Poor
thing there are times when ignorance is bliss indeed
They approached nearer
»Why what is the matter with the little old gentleman« said Isabella
Wardle The spinster aunt heeded not the remark she thought it applied to Mr
Pickwick In her eyes Tracy Tupman was a youth she viewed his years through a
diminishing glass
»Dont be frightened« called out the old host fearful of alarming his
daughters The little party had crowded so completely round Mr Tupman that
they could not yet clearly discern the nature of the accident
»Dont be frightened« said the host
»Whats the matter« screamed the ladies
»Mr Tupman has met with a little accident thats all«
The spinster aunt uttered a piercing scream burst into an hysteric laugh
and fell backwards in the arms of her nieces
»Throw some cold water over her« said the old gentleman
»No no« murmured the spinster aunt »I am better now Bella Emily a
surgeon Is he wounded Is he dead Is he ha ha ha« Here the spinster
aunt burst into fit number two of hysteric laughter interspersed with screams
»Calm yourself« said Mr Tupman affected almost to tears by this
expression of sympathy with his sufferings »Dear dear madam calm yourself«
»It is his voice« exclaimed the spinster aunt and strong symptoms of fit
number three developed themselves forthwith
»Do not agitate yourself I entreat you dearest madam« said Mr Tupman
soothingly »I am very little hurt I assure you«
»Then you are not dead« ejaculated the hysterical lady »Oh say you are
not dead«
»Dont be a fool Rachael« interposed Mr Wardle rather more roughly than
was quite consistent with the poetic nature of the scene »What the devils the
use of his saying he isnt dead«
»No no I am not« said Mr Tupman »I require no assistance but yours Let
me lean on your arm« He added in a whisper »Oh Miss Rachael« The agitated
female advanced and offered her arm They turned into the breakfast parlour
Mr Tracy Tupman gently pressed her hand to his lips and sank upon the sofa
»Are you faint« inquired the anxious Rachael
»No« said Mr Tupman »It is nothing I shall be better presently« He
closed his eyes
»He sleeps« murmured the spinster aunt His organs of vision had been
closed nearly twenty seconds »Dear dear Mr Tupman«
Mr Tupman jumped up »Oh say those words again« he exclaimed
The lady started »Surely you did not hear them« she said bashfully
»Oh yes I did« replied Mr Tupman »repeat them If you would have me
recover repeat them«
»Hush« said the lady »My brother«
Mr Tracy Tupman resumed his former position and Mr Wardle accompanied by
a surgeon entered the room
The arm was examined the wound dressed and pronounced to be a very slight
one and the minds of the company having been thus satisfied they proceeded to
satisfy their appetites with countenances to which an expression of cheerfulness
was again restored Mr Pickwick alone was silent and reserved Doubt and
distrust were exhibited in his countenance His confidence in Mr Winkle had
been shaken greatly shaken by the proceedings of the morning
»Are you a cricketer« inquired Mr Wardle of the marksman
At any other time Mr Winkle would have replied in the affirmative He felt
the delicacy of his situation and modestly replied »No«
»Are you sir« inquired Mr Snodgrass
»I was once upon a time« replied the host »but I have given it up now I
subscribe to the club here but I dont play«
»The grand match is played today I believe« said Mr Pickwick
»It is« replied the host »Of course you would like to see it«
»I sir« replied Mr Pickwick »am delighted to view any sports which may
be safely indulged in and in which the impotent effects of unskilful people do
not endanger human life« Mr Pickwick paused and looked steadily on Mr
Winkle who quailed beneath his leaders searching glance The great man
withdrew his eyes after a few minutes and added »Shall we be justified in
leaving our wounded friend to the care of the ladies«
»You cannot leave me in better hands« said Mr Tupman
»Quite impossible« said Mr Snodgrass
It was therefore settled that Mr Tupman should be left at home in charge of
the females and that the remainder of the guests under the guidance of Mr
Wardle should proceed to the spot where was to be held that trial of skill
which had roused all Muggleton from its torpor and inoculated Dingley Dell with
a fever of excitement
As their walk which was not above two miles long lay through shady lanes
and sequestered footpaths and as their conversation turned upon the delightful
scenery by which they were on every side surrounded Mr Pickwick was almost
inclined to regret the expedition they had used when he found himself in the
main street of the town of Muggleton
Everybody whose genius has a topographical bent knows perfectly well that
Muggleton is a corporate town with a mayor burgesses and freemen and anybody
who has consulted the addresses of the mayor to the freemen or the freemen to
the mayor or both to the corporation or all three to Parliament will learn
from thence what they ought to have known before that Muggleton is an ancient
and loyal borough mingling a zealous advocacy of Christian principles with a
devoted attachment to commercial rights in demonstration whereof the mayor
corporation and other inhabitants have presented at divers times no fewer
than one thousand four hundred and twenty petitions against the continuance of
negro slavery abroad and an equal number against any interference with the
factory system at home sixtyeight in favour of the sale of livings in the
Church and eightysix for abolishing Sunday trading in the street
Mr Pickwick stood in the principal street of this illustrious town and
gazed with an air of curiosity not unmixed with interest on the objects around
him There was an open square for the marketplace and in the centre of it a
large inn with a signpost in front displaying an object very common in art
but rarely met with in nature to wit a blue lion with three bow legs in the
air balancing himself on the extreme point of the centre claw of his fourth
foot There were within sight an auctioneers and fireagency office a
cornfactors a linendrapers a saddlers a distillers a grocers and a
shoeshop the lastmentioned warehouse being also appropriated to the
diffusion of hats bonnets wearing apparel cotton umbrellas and useful
knowledge There was a red brick house with a small paved courtyard in front
which anybody might have known belonged to the attorney and there was
moreover another red brick house with Venetian blinds and a large brass
doorplate with a very legible announcement that it belonged to the surgeon A
few boys were making their way to the cricketfield and two or three
shopkeepers who were standing at their doors looked as if they should like to
be making their way to the same spot as indeed to all appearance they might
have done without losing any great amount of custom thereby Mr Pickwick
having paused to make these observations to be noted down at a more convenient
period hastened to rejoin his friends who had turned out of the main street
and were already within sight of the field of battle
The wickets were pitched and so were a couple of marquees for the rest and
refreshment of the contending parties The game had not yet commenced Two or
three Dingley Dellers and AllMuggletonians were amusing themselves with a
majestic air by throwing the ball carelessly from hand to hand and several
other gentlemen dressed like them in straw hats flannel jackets and white
trousers a costume in which they looked very much like amateur stonemasons
were sprinkled about the tents towards one of which Mr Wardle conducted the
party
Several dozen of »Howareyous« hailed the old gentlemans arrival and a
general raising of the straw hats and bending forward of the flannel jackets
followed his introduction of his guests as gentlemen from London who were
extremely anxious to witness the proceedings of the day with which he had no
doubt they would be greatly delighted
»You had better step into the marquee I think sir« said one very stout
gentleman whose body and legs looked like half a gigantic roll of flannel
elevated on a couple of inflated pillowcases
»Youll find it much pleasanter sir« urged another stout gentleman who
strongly resembled the other half of the roll of flannel aforesaid
»Youre very good« said Mr Pickwick
»This way« said the first speaker »they notch in here its the best
place in the whole field« and the cricketer panting on before preceded them
to the tent
»Capital game smart sport fine exercise very« were the words which
fell upon Mr Pickwicks ear as he entered the tent and the first object that
met his eyes was his greencoated friend of the Rochester coach holding forth
to the no small delight and edification of a select circle of the chosen of
AllMuggleton His dress was slightly improved and he wore boots but there was
no mistaking him
The stranger recognised his friends immediately and darting forward and
seizing Mr Pickwick by the hand dragged him to a seat with his usual
impetuosity talking all the while as if the whole of the arrangements were
under his especial patronage and direction
»This way this way capital fun lots of beer hogsheads rounds of
beef bullocks mustard cart loads glorious day down with you make
yourself at home glad to see you very«
Mr Pickwick sat down as he was bid and Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass also
complied with the directions of their mysterious friend Mr Wardle looked on
in silent wonder
»Mr Wardle a friend of mine« said Mr Pickwick
»Friend of yours My dear sir how are you Friend of my friends give
me your hand sir« and the stranger grasped Mr Wardles hand with all the
fervour of a close intimacy of many years and then stepped back a pace or two
as if to take a full survey of his face and figure and then shook hands with
him again if possible more warmly than before
»Well and how came you here« said Mr Pickwick with a smile in which
benevolence struggled with surprise
»Come« replied the stranger »stopping at Crown Crown at Muggleton met
a party flannel jackets white trousers anchovy sandwiches devilled
kidneys splendid fellows glorious«
Mr Pickwick was sufficiently versed in the strangers system of stenography
to infer from this rapid and disjointed communication that he had somehow or
other contracted an acquaintance with the AllMuggletons which he had
converted by a process peculiar to himself into that extent of good fellowship
on which a general invitation may be easily founded His curiosity was therefore
satisfied and putting on his spectacles he prepared himself to watch the play
which was just commencing
AllMuggleton had the first innings and the interest became intense when
Mr Dumkins and Mr Podder two of the most renowned members of that most
distinguished club walked bat in hand to their respective wickets Mr
Luffey the highest ornament of Dingley Dell was pitched to bowl against the
redoubtable Dumkins and Mr Struggles was selected to do the same kind office
for the hitherto unconquered Podder Several players were stationed to look
out in different parts of the field and each fixed himself into the proper
attitude by placing one hand on each knee and stooping very much as if he were
making a back for some beginner at leapfrog All the regular players do this
sort of thing indeed its generally supposed that it is quite impossible to
look out properly in any other position
The umpires were stationed behind the wickets the scorers were prepared to
notch the runs a breathless silence ensued Mr Luffey retired a few paces
behind the wicket of the passive Podder and applied the ball to his right eye
for several seconds Dumkins confidently awaited its coming with his eyes fixed
on the motions of Luffey
»Play« suddenly cried the bowler The ball flew from his hand straight and
swift towards the centre stump of the wicket The wary Dumkins was on the alert
it fell upon the tip of the bat and bounded far away over the heads of the
scouts who had just stooped low enough to let it fly over them
»Run run another Now then throw her up up with her stop there
another no yes no throw her up throw her up« Such were the shouts
which followed the stroke and at the conclusion of which AllMuggleton had
scored two Nor was Podder behindhand in earning laurels wherewith to garnish
himself and Muggleton He blocked the doubtful balls missed the bad ones took
the good ones and sent them flying to all parts of the field The scouts were
hot and tired the bowlers were changed and bowled till their arms ached but
Dumkins and Podder remained unconquered Did an elderly gentleman essay to stop
the progress of the ball it rolled between his legs or slipped between his
fingers Did a slim gentleman try to catch it it struck him on the nose and
bounded pleasantly off with redoubled violence while the slim gentlemans eyes
filled with water and his form writhed with anguish Was it thrown straight up
to the wicket Dumkins had reached it before the ball In short when Dumkins
was caught out and Podder stumped out AllMuggleton had notched some
fiftyfour while the score of the Dingley Dellers was as blank as their faces
The advantage was too great to be recovered In vain did the eager Luffey and
the enthusiastic Struggles do all that skill and experience could suggest to
regain the ground Dingley Dell had lost in the contest it was of no avail
and in an early period of the winning game Dingley Dell gave in and allowed the
superior prowess of AllMuggleton
The stranger meanwhile had been eating drinking and talking without
cessation At every good stroke he expressed his satisfaction and approval of
the player in a most condescending and patronising manner which could not fail
to have been highly gratifying to the party concerned while at every bad
attempt at a catch and every failure to stop the ball he launched his personal
displeasure at the head of the devoted individual in such denunciations as
»Ah ah stupid« »Now butter »Muff« »Humbug« and so forth
ejaculations which seemed to establish him in the opinion of all around as a
most excellent and undeniable judge of the whole art and mystery of the noble
game of cricket
»Capital game well played some strokes admirable« said the stranger as
both sides crowded into the tent at the conclusion of the game
»You have played it sir« inquired Mr Wardle who had been much amused by
his loquacity
»Played it Think I have thousands of times not here West Indies
exciting thing hot work very«
»It must be rather a warm pursuit in such a climate« observed Mr Pickwick
»Warm red hot scorching glowing Played a match once single wicket
friend the Colonel Sir Thomas Blazo who should get the greatest number of
runs Won the toss first innings seven oclock AM six natives to look
out went in kept in heat intense natives all fainted taken away fresh
halfdozen ordered fainted also Blazo bowling supported by two natives
couldnt bowl me out fainted too cleared away the Colonel wouldnt give in
faithful attendant Quanko Samba last man left sun so hot bat in
blisters ball scorched brown five hundred and seventy runs rather exhausted
Quanko mustered up last remaining strength bowled me out had a bath and
went out to dinner«
»And what became of whatshisname sir« inquired an old gentleman
»Blazo«
»No the other gentleman«
»Quanko Samba«
»Yes sir«
»Poor Quanko never recovered it bowled on on my account bowled off
on his own died sir« Here the stranger buried his countenance in a brown
jug but whether to hide his emotion or imbibe its contents we cannot
distinctly affirm We only know that he paused suddenly drew a long and deep
breath and looked anxiously on as two of the principal members of the Dingley
Dell club approached Mr Pickwick and said
»We are about to partake of a plain dinner at the Blue Lion sir we hope
you and your friends will join us«
»Of course« said Mr Wardle »among our friends we include Mr « and he
looked towards the stranger
»Jingle« said that versatile gentleman taking the hint at once »Jingle
Alfred Jingle Esq of No Hall Nowhere«
»I shall be very happy I am sure« said Mr Pickwick
»So shall I« said Mr Alfred Jingle drawing one arm through Mr
Pickwicks and another through Mr Wardles as he whispered confidentially in
the ear of the former gentleman
»Devilish good dinner cold but capital peeped into the room this
morning fowls and pies and all that sort of thing pleasant fellows these
well behaved too very«
There being no further preliminaries to arrange the company straggled into
the town in little knots of twos and threes and within a quarter of an hour
were all seated in the great room of the Blue Lion Inn Muggleton Mr Dumkins
acting as chairman and Mr Luffey officiating as vice
There was a vast deal of talking and rattling of knives and forks and
plates a great running about of three ponderous headed waiters and a rapid
disappearance of the substantial viands on the table to each and every of which
item of confusion the facetious Mr Jingle lent the aid of halfadozen
ordinary men at least When everybody had eaten as much as possible the cloth
was removed bottles glasses and dessert were placed on the table and the
waiters withdrew to clear away or in other words, to appropriate to their own
private use and emolument whatever remnants of the eatables and drinkables they
could contrive to lay their hands on
Amidst the general hum of mirth and conversation that ensued there was a
little man with a puffy SaynothingtomeorIllcontradictyou sort of
countenance who remained very quiet occasionally looking round him when the
conversation slackened as if he contemplated putting in something very weighty
and now and then bursting into a short cough of inexpressible grandeur At
length during a moment of comparative silence the little man called out in a
very loud solemn voice
»Mr Luffey«
Everybody was hushed into a profound stillness as the individual addressed
replied
»Sir«
»I wish to address a few words to you sir if you will entreat the
gentlemen to fill their glasses«
Mr Jingle uttered a patronising »hear hear« which was responded to by the
remainder of the company and the glasses having been filled the VicePresident
assumed an air of wisdom in a state of profound attention and said
»Mr Staple«
»Sir« said the little man rising »I wish to address what I have to say to
you and not to our worthy chairman because our worthy chairman is in some
measure I may say in a great degree the subject of what I have to say or I
may say to «
»State« suggested Mr Jingle
»Yes to state« said the little man »I thank my honourable friend if he
will allow me to call him so four hears and one certainly from Mr Jingle
for the suggestion Sir I am a Deller a Dingley Deller cheers I cannot lay
claim to the honour of forming an item in the population of Muggleton nor sir
I will frankly admit do I covet that honour and I will tell you why sir
hear to Muggleton I will readily concede all those honours and distinctions
to which it can fairly lay claim they are too numerous and too well known to
require aid or recapitulation from me But sir while we remember that
Muggleton has given birth to a Dumkins and a Podder let us never forget that
Dingley Dell can boast a Luffey and a Struggles Vociferous cheering Let me
not be considered as wishing to detract from the merits of the former gentlemen
Sir I envy them the luxury of their own feelings on this occasion Cheers
Every gentleman who hears me is probably acquainted with the reply made by an
individual who to use an ordinary figure of speech hung out in a tub to
the emperor Alexander If I were not Diogenes said he I would be Alexander
I can well imagine these gentlemen to say If I were not Dumkins I would be
Luffey if I were not Podder I would be Struggles Enthusiasm But gentlemen
of Muggleton is it in cricket alone that your fellowtownsmen stand preeminent
Have you never heard of Dumkins and determination Have you never been taught to
associate Podder with property Great applause Have you never when
struggling for your rights your liberties and your privileges been reduced
if only for an instant to misgiving and despair And when you have been thus
depressed has not the name of Dumkins laid afresh within your breast the fire
which had just gone out and has not a word from that man lighted it again as
brightly as if it had never expired Great cheering Gentlemen I beg to
surround with a rich halo of enthusiastic cheering the united names of Dumkins
and Podder«
Here the little man ceased and here the company commenced a raising of
voices and thumping of tables which lasted with little intermission during the
remainder of the evening Other toasts were drunk Mr Luffey and Mr Struggles
Mr Pickwick and Mr Jingle were each in his turn the subject of unqualified
eulogium and each in due course returned thanks for the honour
Enthusiastic as we are in the noble cause to which we have devoted
ourselves we should have felt a sensation of pride which we cannot express and
a consciousness of having done something to merit immortality of which we are
now deprived could we have laid the faintest outline of these addresses before
our ardent readers Mr Snodgrass as usual took a great mass of notes which
would no doubt have afforded most useful and valuable information had not the
burning eloquence of the words or the feverish influence of the wine made that
gentlemans hand so extremely unsteady as to render his writing nearly
unintelligible and his style wholly so By dint of patient investigation we
have been enabled to trace some characters bearing a faint resemblance to the
names of the speakers and we can also discern an entry of a song supposed to
have been sung by Mr Jingle in which the words bowl sparkling ruby bright
and wine are frequently repeated at short intervals We fancy too that we can
discern at the very end of the notes some indistinct reference to broiled
bones and then the words cold without occur but as any hypothesis we could
found upon them must necessarily rest upon mere conjecture we are not disposed
to indulge in any of the speculations to which they may give rise
We will therefore return to Mr Tupman merely adding that within some few
minutes before twelve oclock that night the convocation of worthies of Dingley
Dell and Muggleton were heard to sing with great feeling and emphasis the
beautiful and pathetic national air of
We wont go home till morning
We wont go home till morning
We wont go home till morning
Till daylight doth appear
Chapter VIII
Strongly Illustrative of the Position That the Course of True Love Is Not a
Railway
The quiet seclusion of Dingley Dell the presence of so many of the gentler sex
and the solicitude and anxiety they evinced in his behalf were all favourable
to the growth and development of those softer feelings which nature had
implanted deep in the bosom of Mr Tracy Tupman and which now appeared destined
to centre in one lovely object The young ladies were pretty their manners
winning their dispositions unexceptionable but there was a dignity in the air
a touchmenotishness in the walk a majesty in the eye of the spinster aunt
to which at their time of life they could lay no claim which distinguished
her from any female on whom Mr Tupman had ever gazed That there was something
kindred in their nature something congenial in their souls something
mysteriously sympathetic in their bosoms was evident Her name was the first
that rose to Mr Tupmans lips as he lay wounded on the grass and her hysteric
laughter was the first sound that fell upon his ear when he was supported to the
house But had her agitation arisen from an amiable and feminine sensibility
which would have been equally irrepressible in any case or had it been called
forth by a more ardent and passionate feeling which he of all men living
could alone awaken These were the doubts which racked his brain as he lay
extended on the sofa these were the doubts which he determined should be at
once and for ever resolved
It was evening Isabella and Emily had strolled out with Mr Trundle the
deaf old lady had fallen asleep in her chair the snoring of the fat boy
penetrated in a low and monotonous sound from the distant kitchen the buxom
servants were lounging at the sidedoor enjoying the pleasantness of the hour
and the delights of a flirtation on first principles with certain unwieldy
animals attached to the farm and there sat the interesting pair uncared for by
all caring for none and dreaming only of themselves there they sat in short
like a pair of carefullyfolded kidgloves bound up in each other
»I have forgotten my flowers« said the spinster aunt
»Water them now« said Mr Tupman in accents of persuasion
»You will take cold in the evening air« urged the spinster aunt
affectionately
»No no« said Mr Tupman rising »it will do me good Let me accompany
you«
The lady paused to adjust the sling in which the left arm of the youth was
placed and taking his right arm led him to the garden
There was a bower at the further end with honeysuckle jessamine and
creeping plants one of those sweet retreats which humane men erect for the
accommodation of spiders
The spinster aunt took up a large wateringpot which lay in one corner and
was about to leave the arbour Mr Tupman detained her and drew her to a seat
beside him
»Miss Wardle« said he
The spinster aunt trembled till some pebbles which had accidentally found
their way into the large wateringpot shook like an infants rattle
»Miss Wardle« said Mr Tupman »you are an angel«
»Mr Tupman« exclaimed Rachael blushing as red as the wateringpot itself
»Nay« said the eloquent Pickwickian »I know it but too well«
»All women are angels they say« murmured the lady playfully
»Then what can you be or to what without presumption can I compare you«
replied Mr Tupman »Where was the woman ever seen who resembled you Where else
could I hope to find so rare a combination of excellence and beauty Where else
could I seek to Oh« Here Mr Tupman paused and pressed the hand which
clasped the handle of the happy wateringpot
The lady turned aside her head »Men are such deceivers« she softly
whispered
»They are they are« ejaculated Mr Tupman »but not all men There lives
at least one being who can never change one being who would be content to
devote his whole existence to your happiness who lives but in your eyes who
breathes but in your smiles who bears the heavy burden of life itself only for
you«
»Could such an individual be found« said the lady
»But he can be found« said the ardent Mr Tupman interposing »He is
found. He is here Miss Wardle« And ere the lady was aware of his intention
Mr Tupman had sunk upon his knees at her feet
»Mr Tupman rise« said Rachael
»Never« was the valorous reply »Oh Rachael« He seized her passive
hand and the wateringpot fell to the ground as he pressed it to his lips
»Oh Rachael say you love me«
»Mr Tupman« said the spinster aunt with averted head »I can hardly
speak the words but but you are not wholly indifferent to me«
Mr Tupman no sooner heard this avowal than he proceeded to do what his
enthusiastic emotions prompted and what for aught we know for we are but
little acquainted with such matters people so circumstanced always do He
jumped up and throwing his arm round the neck of the spinster aunt imprinted
upon her lips numerous kisses which after a due show of struggling and
resistance she received so passively that there is no telling how many more
Mr Tupman might have bestowed if the lady had not given a very unaffected
start and exclaimed in an affrighted tone
»Mr Tupman we are observed we are discovered«
Mr Tupman looked round There was the fat boy perfectly motionless with
his large circular eyes staring into the arbour but without the slightest
expression on his face that the most expert physiognomist could have referred to
astonishment curiosity or any other known passion that agitates the human
breast Mr Tupman gazed on the fat boy and the fat boy stared at him and the
longer Mr Tupman observed the utter vacancy of the fat boys countenance the
more convinced he became that he either did not know or did not understand
anything that had been going forward Under this impression he said with great
firmness
»What do you want here sir«
»Suppers ready sir« was the prompt reply
»Have you just come here sir« inquired Mr Tupman with a piercing look
»Just« replied the fat boy
Mr Tupman looked at him very hard again but there was not a wink in his
eye or a curve in his face
Mr Tupman took the arm of the spinster aunt and walked towards the house
the fat boy followed behind
»He knows nothing of what has happened« he whispered
»Nothing« said the spinster aunt
There was a sound behind them as of an imperfectly suppressed chuckle Mr
Tupman turned sharply round No it could not have been the fat boy there was
not a gleam of mirth or anything but feeding in his whole visage
»He must have been fast asleep« whispered Mr Tupman
»I have not the least doubt of it« replied the spinster aunt
They both laughed heartily
Mr Tupman was wrong The fat boy for once had not been fast asleep He
was awake wide awake to what had been going forward
The supper passed off without any attempt at a general conversation The old
lady had gone to bed Isabella Wardle devoted herself exclusively to Mr
Trundle the spinsters attentions were reserved for Mr Tupman and Emilys
thoughts appeared to be engrossed by some distant object possibly they were
with the absent Snodgrass
Eleven twelve one oclock had struck and the gentlemen had not arrived
Consternation sat on every face Could they have been waylaid and robbed Should
they send men and lanterns in every direction by which they could be supposed
likely to have travelled home or should they Hark there they were What
could have made them so late A strange voice too To whom could it belong
They rushed into the kitchen whither the truants had repaired and at once
obtained rather more than a glimmering of the real state of the case
Mr Pickwick with his hands in his pockets and his hat cocked completely
over his left eye was leaning against the dresser shaking his head from side
to side and producing a constant succession of the blandest and most benevolent
smiles without being moved thereunto by any discernible cause or pretence
whatsoever old Mr Wardle with a highlyinflamed countenance was grasping the
hand of a strange gentleman muttering protestations of eternal friendship Mr
Winkle supporting himself by the eightday clock was feebly invoking
destruction upon the head of any member of the family who should suggest the
propriety of his retiring for the night and Mr Snodgrass had sunk into a
chair with an expression of the most abject and hopeless misery that the human
mind can imagine portrayed in every lineament of his expressive face
»Is anything the matter« inquired the three ladies
»Nothing the matter« replied Mr Pickwick »We were all right I
say Wardle were all right ant we«
»I should think so« replied the jolly host »My dears heres my friend
Mr Jingle Mr Pickwicks friend Mr Jingle come pon little visit«
»Is anything the matter with Mr Snodgrass sir« inquired Emily with great
anxiety
»Nothing the matter maam« replied the stranger »Cricket dinner
glorious party capital songs old port claret good very good wine
maam wine«
»It wasnt the wine« murmured Mr Snodgrass in a broken voice »It was the
salmon« Somehow or other it never is the wine in these cases
»Hadnt they better go to bed maam« inquired Emma »Two of the boys will
carry the gentlemen up stairs«
»I wont go to bed« said Mr Winkle firmly
»No living boy shall carry me« said Mr Pickwick stoutly and he went on
smiling as before
»Hurrah« gasped Mr Winkle faintly
»Hurrah« echoed Mr Pickwick taking off his hat and dashing it on the
floor and insanely casting his spectacles into the middle of the kitchen At
this humorous feat he laughed outright
»Lets have nother bottle« cried Mr Winkle commencing in a very
loud key and ending in a very faint one His head dropped upon his breast and
muttering his invincible determination not to go to his bed and a sanguinary
regret that he had not done for old Tupman in the morning he fell fast asleep
in which condition he was borne to his apartment by two young giants under the
personal superintendence of the fat boy to whose protecting care Mr Snodgrass
shortly afterwards confided his own person Mr Pickwick accepted the proffered
arm of Mr Tupman and quietly disappeared smiling more than ever and Mr
Wardle after taking as affectionate a leave of the whole family as if he were
ordered for immediate execution consigned to Mr Trundle the honour of
conveying him upstairs and retired with a very futile attempt to look
impressively solemn and dignified
»What a shocking scene« said the spinster aunt
»Dis gusting« ejaculated both the young ladies
»Dreadful dreadful« said Jingle looking very grave he was about a
bottle and a half ahead of any of his companions »Horrid spectacle very«
»What a nice man« whispered the spinster aunt to Mr Tupman
»Goodlooking too« whispered Emily Wardle
»Oh decidedly« observed the spinster aunt
Mr Tupman thought of the widow at Rochester and his mind was troubled The
succeeding halfhours conversation was not of a nature to calm his perturbed
spirit The new visitor was very talkative and the number of his anecdotes was
only to be exceeded by the extent of his politeness Mr Tupman felt that as
Jingles popularity increased he Tupman retired further into the shade His
laughter was forced his merriment feigned and when at last he laid his aching
temples between the sheets he thought with horrid delight on the satisfaction
it would afford him to have Jingles head at that moment between the feather bed
and the mattress
The indefatigable stranger rose betimes next morning and although his
companions remained in bed overpowered with the dissipation of the previous
night exerted himself most successfully to promote the hilarity of the
breakfasttable So successful were his efforts that even the deaf old lady
insisted on having one or two of his best jokes retailed through the trumpet
and even she condescended to observe to the spinster aunt that »he« meaning
Jingle »was an impudent young fellow« a sentiment in which all her relations
then and there present thoroughly coincided
It was the old ladys habit on the fine summer mornings to repair to the
arbour in which Mr Tupman had already signalised himself in form and manner
following first the fat boy fetched from a peg behind the old ladys bedroom
door a close black satin bonnet a warm cotton shawl and a thick stick with a
capacious handle and the old lady having put on the bonnet and shawl at her
leisure would lean one hand on the stick and the other on the fat boys
shoulder and walk leisurely to the arbour where the fat boy would leave her to
enjoy the fresh air for the space of half an hour at the expiration of which
time he would return and reconduct her to the house
The old lady was very precise and very particular and as this ceremony had
been observed for three successive summers without the slightest deviation from
the accustomed form she was not a little surprised on this particular morning
to see the fat boy instead of leaving the arbour walk a few paces out of it
look carefully round him in every direction and return towards her with great
stealth and an air of the most profound mystery
The old lady was timorous most old ladies are and her first impression
was that the bloated lad was about to do her some grievous bodily harm with the
view of possessing himself of her loose coin She would have cried for
assistance but age and infirmity had long ago deprived her of the power of
screaming she therefore watched his motions with feelings of intense terror
which were in no degree diminished by his coming close up to her and shouting
in her ear in an agitated and as it seemed to her a threatening tone
»Missus«
Now it so happened that Mr Jingle was walking in the garden close to the
arbour at this moment He too heard the shout of Missus and stopped to hear
more There were three reasons for his doing so In the first place he was idle
and curious secondly he was by no means scrupulous thirdly and lastly he
was concealed from view by some flowering shrubs So there he stood and there
he listened
»Missus« shouted the fat boy
»Well Joe« said the trembling old lady »Im sure I have been a good
mistress to you Joe You have invariably been treated very kindly You have
never had too much to do and you have always had enough to eat«
This last was an appeal to the fat boys most sensitive feelings He seemed
touched as he replied emphatically
»I knows I has«
»Then what can you want to do now« said the old lady gaining courage
»I wants to make your flesh creep« replied the boy
This sounded like a very bloodthirsty mode of showing ones gratitude and
as the old lady did not precisely understand the process by which such a result
was to be attained all her former horrors returned
»What do you think I see in this very arbour last night« inquired the boy
»Bless us What« exclaimed the old lady alarmed at the solemn manner of
the corpulent youth
»The strange gentleman him as had his arm hurt a kissin and huggin «
»Who Joe None of the servants I hope«
»Worser than that« roared the fat boy in the old ladys ear
»Not one of my granddaaters«
»Worser than that«
»Worse than that Joe« said the old lady who had thought this the extreme
limit of human atrocity »Who was it Joe I insist upon knowing«
The fat boy looked cautiously round and having concluded his survey
shouted in the old ladys ear
»Miss Rachael«
»What« said the old lady in a shrill tone »Speak louder«
»Miss Rachael« roared the fat boy
»My daater«
The train of nods which the fat boy gave by way of assent communicated a
blancmange like motion to his fat cheeks
»And she suffered him« exclaimed the old lady
A grin stole over the fat boys features as he said
»I see her a kissin of him agin«
If Mr Jingle from his place of concealment could have beheld the
expression which the old ladys face assumed at this communication the
probability is that a sudden burst of laughter would have betrayed his close
vicinity to the summerhouse He listened attentively Fragments of angry
sentences such as »Without my permission« »At her time of life« »Miserable
old ooman like me« »Might have waited till I was dead« and so forth reached
his ears and then he heard the heels of the fat boys boots crunching the
gravel as he retired and left the old lady alone
It was a remarkable coincidence perhaps but it was nevertheless a fact
that Mr Jingle within five minutes after his arrival at Manor Farm on the
preceding night had inwardly resolved to lay siege to the heart of the spinster
aunt without delay He had observation enough to see that his offhand manner
was by no means disagreeable to the fair object of his attack and he had more
than a strong suspicion that she possessed that most desirable of all
requisites a small independence The imperative necessity of ousting his rival
by some means or other flashed quickly upon him and he immediately resolved to
adopt certain proceedings tending to that end and object without a moments
delay Fielding tells us that man is fire and woman tow and the Prince of
Darkness sets a light to em Mr Jingle knew that young men to spinster aunts
are as lighted gas to gunpowder and he determined to essay the effect of an
explosion without loss of time
Full of reflections upon this important decision he crept from his place of
concealment and under cover of the shrubs before mentioned approached the
house Fortune seemed determined to favour his design Mr Tupman and the rest
of the gentlemen left the garden by the side gate just as he obtained a view of
it and the young ladies he knew had walked out alone soon after breakfast
The coast was clear
The breakfastparlour door was partially open He peeped in The spinster
aunt was knitting He coughed she looked up and smiled Hesitation formed no
part of Mr Alfred Jingles character He laid his finger on his lips
mysteriously walked in and closed the door
»Miss Wardle« said Mr Jingle with affected earnestness »forgive
intrusion short acquaintance no time for ceremony all discovered«
»Sir« said the spinster aunt rather astonished by the unexpected
apparition and somewhat doubtful of Mr Jingles sanity
»Hush« said Mr Jingle in a stage whisper »large boy dumpling face
round eyes rascal« Here he shook his head expressively and the spinster aunt
trembled with agitation
»I presume you allude to Joseph sir« said the lady making an effort to
appear composed
»Yes maam damn that Joe treacherous dog Joe told the old lady
old lady furious wild raving arbour Tupman kissing and hugging all
that sort of thing eh maam eh«
»Mr Jingle« said the spinster aunt »if you come here sir to insult me
«
»Not at all by no means« replied the unabashed Mr Jingle »overheard
the tale came to warn you of your danger tender my services prevent the
hubbub Never mind think it an insult leave the room« and he turned as if
to carry the threat into execution
»What shall I do« said the poor spinster bursting into tears »My brother
will be furious«
»Of course he will« said Mr Jingle pausing »outrageous«
»Oh Mr Jingle what can I say« exclaimed the spinster aunt in another
flood of despair
»Say he dreamt it« replied Mr Jingle coolly
A ray of comfort darted across the mind of the spinster aunt at this
suggestion Mr Jingle perceived it and followed up his advantage
»Pooh pooh nothing more easy blackguard boy lovely woman fat boy
horsewhipped you believed end of the matter all comfortable«
Whether the probability of escaping from the consequences of this illtimed
discovery was delightful to the spinsters feelings or whether the hearing
herself described as a »lovely woman« softened the asperity of her grief we
know not She blushed slightly and cast a grateful look on Mr Jingle
That insinuating gentleman sighed deeply fixed his eyes on the spinster
aunts face for a couple of minutes started melodramatically and suddenly
withdrew them
»You seem unhappy Mr Jingle« said the lady in a plaintive voice »May I
show my gratitude for your kind interference by inquiring into the cause with
a view if possible to its removal«
»Ha« exclaimed Mr Jingle with another start »removal remove my
unhappiness and your love bestowed upon a man who is insensible to the blessing
who even now contemplates a design upon the affections of the niece of the
creature who but no he is my friend I will not expose his vices Miss Wardle
farewell« At the conclusion of this address the most consecutive he was ever
known to utter Mr Jingle applied to his eyes the remnant of a handkerchief
before noticed and turned towards the door
»Stay Mr Jingle« said the spinster aunt emphatically »You have made an
allusion to Mr Tupman explain it«
»Never« exclaimed Jingle with a professional ie theatrical air
»Never« and by way of showing that he had no desire to be questioned further
he drew a chair close to that of the spinster aunt and sat down
»Mr Jingle« said the aunt »I entreat I implore you if there is any
dreadful mystery connected with Mr Tupman reveal it«
»Can I« said Mr Jingle fixing his eyes on the aunts face »can I see
lovely creature sacrificed at the shrine heartless avarice« He appeared to
be struggling with various conflicting emotions for a few seconds and then said
in a low deep voice
»Tupman only wants your money«
»The wretch« exclaimed the spinster with energetic indignation Mr
Jingles doubts were resolved She had money
»More than that« said Jingle »loves another«
»Another« ejaculated the spinster »Who«
»Short girl black eyes niece Emily«
There was a pause
Now if there were one individual in the whole world of whom the spinster
aunt entertained a mortal and deeplyrooted jealousy it was this identical
niece The colour rushed over her face and neck and she tossed her head in
silence with an air of ineffable contempt At last biting her thin lips and
bridling up she said
»It cant be I wont believe it«
»Watch em« said Jingle
»I will« said the aunt
»Watch his looks«
»I will«
»His whispers«
»I will«
»Hell sit next her at table«
»Let him«
»Hell flatter her«
»Let him«
»Hell pay her every possible attention«
»Let him«
»And hell cut you«
»Cut me« screamed the spinster aunt »He cut me will he« and she
trembled with rage and disappointment
»You will convince yourself« said Jingle
»I will«
»Youll show your spirit«
»I will«
»Youll not have him afterwards«
»Never«
»Youll take somebody else«
»Yes«
»You shall«
Mr Jingle fell on his knees remained thereupon for five minutes
thereafter and rose the accepted lover of the spinster aunt conditionally upon
Mr Tupmans perjury being made clear and manifest
The burden of proof lay with Mr Alfred Jingle and he produced his evidence
that very day at dinner The spinster aunt could hardly believe her eyes Mr
Tracy Tupman was established at Emilys side ogling whispering and smiling
in opposition to Mr Snodgrass Not a word not a look not a glance did he
bestow upon his hearts pride of the evening before
»Damn that boy« thought old Mr Wardle to himself He had heard the story
from his mother »Damn that boy He must have been asleep Its all
imagination«
»Traitor« thought the spinster aunt »Dear Mr Jingle was not deceiving me
Ugh how I hate the wretch«
The following conversation may serve to explain to our readers this
apparently unaccountable alteration of deportment on the part of Mr Tracy
Tupman
The time was evening the scene the garden There were two figures walking
in a side path one was rather short and stout the other rather tall and slim
They were Mr Tupman and Mr Jingle The stout figure commenced the dialogue
»How did I do it« he inquired
»Splendid capital couldnt act better myself you must repeat the part
tomorrow every evening till further notice«
»Does Rachael still wish it«
»Of course she dont like it but must be done avert suspicion afraid
of her brother says theres no help for it only a few days more when old
folks blinded crown your happiness«
»Any message«
»Love best love kindest regards unalterable affection Can I say
anything for you«
»My dear fellow« replied the unsuspicious Mr Tupman fervently grasping
his friends hand »carry my best love say how hard I find it to dissemble
say anything thats kind but add how sensible I am of the necessity of the
suggestion she made to me through you this morning Say I applaud her wisdom
and admire her discretion«
»I will Anything more«
»Nothing only add how ardently I long for the time when I may call her
mine and all dissimulation may be unnecessary«
»Certainly certainly Anything more«
»Oh my friend« said poor Mr Tupman again grasping the hand of his
companion »receive my warmest thanks for your disinterested kindness and
forgive me if I have ever even in thought done you the injustice of supposing
that you could stand in my way My dear friend can I ever repay you«
»Dont talk of it« replied Mr Jingle He stopped short as if suddenly
recollecting something and said »Bythebye cant spare ten pounds can
you very particular purpose pay you in three days«
»I dare say I can« replied Mr Tupman in the fulness of his heart »Three
days you say«
»Only three days all over then no more difficulties«
Mr Tupman counted the money into his companions hand and he dropped it
piece by piece into his pocket as they walked towards the house
»Be careful« said Mr Jingle »not a look«
»Not a wink« said Mr Tupman
»Not a syllable«
»Not a whisper«
»All your attentions to the niece rather rude than otherwise to the aunt
only way of deceiving the old ones«
»Ill take care« said Mr Tupman aloud
»And Ill take care« said Mr Jingle internally and they entered the
house
The scene of that afternoon was repeated that evening and on the three
afternoons and evenings next ensuing On the fourth the host was in high
spirits for he had satisfied himself that there was no ground for the charge
against Mr Tupman So was Mr Tupman for Mr Jingle had told him that his
affair would soon be brought to a crisis So was Mr Pickwick for he was seldom
otherwise So was not Mr Snodgrass for he had grown jealous of Mr Tupman So
was the old lady for she had been winning at whist So were Mr Jingle and Miss
Wardle for reasons of sufficient importance in this eventful history to be
narrated in another chapter
Chapter IX
A Discovery and a Chase
The supper was ready laid the chairs were drawn round the table bottles jugs
and glasses were arranged upon the sideboard and everything betokened the
approach of the most convivial period in the whole fourandtwenty hours
»Wheres Rachael« said Mr Wardle
»Ay and Jingle« added Mr Pickwick
»Dear me« said the host »I wonder I havent missed him before Why I
dont think Ive heard his voice for two hours at least Emily my dear ring
the bell«
The bell was rung and the fat boy appeared
»Wheres Miss Rachael« He couldnt say
»Wheres Mr Jingle then« He didnt know
Everybody looked surprised It was late past eleven oclock Mr Tupman
laughed in his sleeve They were loitering somewhere talking about him Ha ha
capital notion that funny
»Never mind« said Wardle after a short pause »theyll turn up presently
I dare say I never wait supper for anybody«
»Excellent rule that« said Mr Pickwick »admirable«
»Pray sit down« said the host
»Certainly« said Mr Pickwick and down they sat
There was a gigantic round of cold beef on the table and Mr Pickwick was
supplied with a plentiful portion of it He had raised his fork to his lips and
was on the very point of opening his mouth for the reception of a piece of beef
when the hum of many voices suddenly arose in the kitchen He paused and laid
down his fork Mr Wardle paused too and insensibly released his hold of the
carvingknife which remained inserted in the beef He looked at Mr Pickwick
Mr Pickwick looked at him
Heavy footsteps were heard in the passage the parlour door was suddenly
burst open and the man who had cleaned Mr Pickwicks boots on his first
arrival rushed into the room followed by the fat boy and all the domestics
»What the devils the meaning of this« exclaimed the host
»The kitchen chimney aint afire is it Emma« inquired the old lady
»Lor grandma No« screamed both the young ladies
»Whats the matter« roared the master of the house
The man gasped for breath and faintly ejaculated
»They ha gone Masr gone right clean off sir« At this juncture Mr
Tupman was observed to lay down his knife and fork and to turn very pale
»Whos gone« said Mr Wardle fiercely
»Musr Jingle and Miss Rachael in a pochay from Blue Lion Muggleton I
was there but I couldnt stop em so I run off to tellee«
»I paid his expenses« said Mr Tupman jumping up frantically »Hes got
ten pounds of mine stop him hes swindled me I wont bear it Ill
have justice Pickwick I wont stand it« and with sundry incoherent
exclamations of the like nature the unhappy gentleman spun round and round the
apartment in a transport of frenzy
»Lord preserve us« ejaculated Mr Pickwick eyeing the extraordinary
gestures of his friend with terrified surprise »Hes gone mad What shall we
do«
»Do« said the stout old host who regarded only the last words of the
sentence »Put the horse in the gig Ill get a chaise at the Lion and follow
em instantly Where« he exclaimed as the man ran out to execute the
commission »Wheres that villain Joe«
»Here I am but I hant a willin« replied a voice It was the fat boys
»Let me get at him Pickwick« cried Wardle as he rushed at the illstarred
youth »He was bribed by that scoundrel Jingle to put me on a wrong scent by
telling a cockandabull story of my sister and your friend Tupman« Here Mr
Tupman sunk into a chair »Let me get at him«
»Dont let him« screamed all the women above whose exclamations the
blubbering of the fat boy was distinctly audible
»I wont be held« cried the old man »Mr Winkle take your hands off Mr
Pickwick let me go sir«
It was a beautiful sight in that moment of turmoil and confusion to behold
the placid and philosophical expression of Mr Pickwicks face albeit somewhat
flushed with exertion as he stood with his arms firmly clasped round the
extensive waist of their corpulent host thus restraining the impetuosity of his
passion while the fat boy was scratched and pulled and pushed from the room
by all the females congregated therein He had no sooner released his hold than
the man entered to announce that the gig was ready
»Dont let him go alone« screamed the females »Hell kill somebody«
»Ill go with him« said Mr Pickwick
»Youre a good fellow Pickwick« said the host grasping his hand »Emma
give Mr Pickwick a shawl to tie round his neck make haste Look after your
grandmother girls she has fainted away Now then are you ready«
Mr Pickwicks mouth and chin having been hastily enveloped in a large
shawl his hat having been put on his head and his great coat thrown over his
arm he replied in the affirmative
They jumped into the gig »Give her her head Tom« cried the host and away
they went down the narrow lanes jolting in and out of the cartruts and
bumping up against the hedges on either side as if they would go to pieces
every moment
»How much are they ahead« shouted Wardle as they drove up to the door of
the Blue Lion round which a little crowd had collected late as it was
»Not above threequarters of an hour« was everybodys reply
»Chaise and four directly out with em Put up the gig afterwards«
»Now boys« cried the landlord »chaise and four out make haste look
alive there«
Away ran the hostlers and the boys The lanterns glimmered as the men ran
to and fro the horses hoofs clattered on the uneven paving of the yard the
chaise rumbled as it was drawn out of the coachhouse and all was noise and
bustle
»Now then is that chaise coming out tonight« cried Wardle
»Coming down the yard now sir« replied the hostler
Out came the chaise in went the horses on sprung the boys in got the
travellers
»Mind the sevenmile stage in less than half an hour« shouted Wardle
»Off with you«
The boys applied whip and spur the waiters shouted the hostlers cheered
and away they went fast and furiously
»Pretty situation« thought Mr Pickwick when he had had a moments time
for reflection »Pretty situation for the General Chairman of the Pickwick Club
Damp chaise strange horses fifteen miles an hour and twelve oclock at
night«
For the first three or four miles not a word was spoken by either of the
gentlemen each being too much immersed in his own reflections to address any
observations to his companion When they had gone over that much ground
however and the horses getting thoroughly warmed began to do their work in
really good style Mr Pickwick became too much exhilarated with the rapidity of
the motion to remain any longer perfectly mute
»Were sure to catch them I think« said he
»Hope so« replied his companion
»Fine night« said Mr Pickwick looking up at the moon which was shining
brightly
»So much the worse« returned Wardle »for theyll have had all the
advantage of the moonlight to get the start of us and we shall lose it It will
have gone down in another hour«
»It will be rather unpleasant going at this rate in the dark wont it«
inquired Mr Pickwick
»I dare say it will« replied his friend drily
Mr Pickwicks temporary excitement began to sober down a little as he
reflected upon the inconveniences and dangers of the expedition in which he had
so thoughtlessly embarked He was roused by a loud shouting of the postboy on
the leader
»Yo yo yo yo yoe« went the first boy
»Yo yo yo yoe« went the second
»Yo yo yo yoe« chimed in old Wardle himself most lustily with his
head and half his body out of the coach window
»Yo yo yo yoe« shouted Mr Pickwick taking up the burden of the cry
though he had not the slightest notion of its meaning or object And amidst the
yo yoing of the whole four the chaise stopped
»Whats the matter« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Theres a gate here« replied old Wardle »We shall hear something of the
fugitives«
After a lapse of five minutes consumed in incessant knocking and shouting
an old man in his shirt and trousers emerged from the turnpikehouse and opened
the gate
»How long is it since a postchaise went through here« inquired Mr Wardle
»How long«
»Ah«
»Why I dont rightly know It wornt a long time ago nor it wornt a short
time ago just between the two perhaps«
»Has any chaise been by at all«
»Oh yes theres been a shay by«
»How long ago my friend« interposed Mr Pickwick »an hour«
»Ah I daresay it might be« replied the man
»Or two hours« inquired the postboy on the wheeler
»Well I shouldnt wonder if it was« returned the old man doubtfully
»Drive on boys« cried the testy old gentleman »dont waste any more time
with that old idiot«
»Idiot« exclaimed the old man with a grin as he stood in the middle of the
road with the gate halfclosed watching the chaise which rapidly diminished in
the increasing distance »No not much o that either youve lost ten minutes
here and gone away as wise as you came arter all If every man on the line as
has a guinea give him earns it half as well you wont catch tother shay this
side Michlmas old shortandfat« And with another prolonged grin the old man
closed the gate reentered his house and bolted the door after him
Meanwhile the chaise proceeded without any slackening of pace towards the
conclusion of the stage The moon as Wardle had foretold was rapidly on the
wane large tiers of dark heavy clouds which had been gradually overspreading
the sky for some time past now formed one black mass over head and large drops
of rain which pattered every now and then against the windows of the chaise
seemed to warn the travellers of the rapid approach of a stormy night The wind
too which was directly against them swept in furious gusts down the narrow
road and howled dismally through the trees which skirted the pathway Mr
Pickwick drew his coat closer about him coiled himself more snugly up into the
corner of the chaise and fell into a sound sleep from which he was only
awakened by the stopping of the vehicle the sound of the hostlers bell and a
loud cry of »Horses on directly«
But here another delay occurred The boys were sleeping with such mysterious
soundness that it took five minutes apiece to wake them The hostler had
somehow or other mislaid the key of the stable and even when that was found
two sleepy helpers put the wrong harness on the wrong horses and the whole
process of harnessing had to be gone through afresh Had Mr Pickwick been
alone these multiplied obstacles would have completely put an end to the
pursuit at once but old Wardle was not to be so easily daunted and he laid
about him with such hearty goodwill cuffing this man and pushing that
strapping a buckle here and taking in a link there that the chaise was ready
in a much shorter time than could reasonably have been expected under so many
difficulties
They resumed their journey and certainly the prospect before them was by no
means encouraging The stage was fifteen miles long the night was dark the
wind high and the rain pouring in torrents It was impossible to make any great
way against such obstacles united it was hard upon one oclock already and
nearly two hours were consumed in getting to the end of the stage Here
however an object presented itself which rekindled their hopes and
reanimated their drooping spirits
»When did this chaise come in« cried old Wardle leaping out of his own
vehicle and pointing to one covered with wet mud which was standing in the
yard
»Not a quarter of an hour ago sir« replied the hostler to whom the
question was addressed
»Lady and gentleman« inquired Wardle almost breathless with impatience
»Yes sir«
»Tall gentleman dress coat long legs thin body«
»Yes sir«
»Elderly lady thin face rather skinny eh«
»Yes sir«
»By heavens its the couple Pickwick« exclaimed the old gentleman
»Would have been here before« said the hostler »but they broke a trace«
»It is« said Wardle »it is by Jove Chaise and four instantly We shall
catch them yet before they reach the next stage A guinea apiece boys be
alive there bustle about theres good fellows«
And with such admonitions as these the old gentleman ran up and down the
yard and bustled to and fro in a state of excitement which communicated itself
to Mr Pickwick also and under the influence of which that gentleman got
himself into complicated entanglements with harness and mixed up with horses
and wheels of chaises in the most surprising manner firmly believing that by
so doing he was materially forwarding the preparations for their resuming their
journey
»Jump in jump in« cried old Wardle climbing into the chaise pulling up
the steps and slamming the door after him »Come along Make haste« And before
Mr Pickwick knew precisely what he was about he felt himself forced in at the
other door by one pull from the old gentleman and one push from the hostler
and off they were again
»Ah we are moving now« said the old gentleman exultingly They were
indeed as was sufficiently testified to Mr Pickwick by his constant
collisions either with the hard woodwork of the chaise or the body of his
companion
»Hold up« said the stout old Mr Wardle as Mr Pickwick dived head
foremost into his capacious waistcoat
»I never did feel such a jolting in my life« said Mr Pickwick
»Never mind« replied his companion »it will soon be over Steady steady«
Mr Pickwick planted himself into his own corner as firmly as he could and
on whirled the chaise faster than ever
They had travelled in this way about three miles when Mr Wardle who had
been looking out of the window for two or three minutes suddenly drew in his
face covered with splashes and exclaimed in breathless eagerness
»Here they are«
Mr Pickwick thrust his head out of his window Yes there was a chaise and
four a short distance before them dashing along at full gallop
»Go on go on« almost shrieked the old gentleman »Two guineas apiece
boys dont let em gain on us keep it up keep it up«
The horses in the first chaise started on at their utmost speed and those
in Mr Wardles galloped furiously behind them
»I see his head« exclaimed the choleric old man »Damme I see his head«
»So do I« said Mr Pickwick »thats he«
Mr Pickwick was not mistaken The countenance of Mr Jingle completely
coated with the mud thrown up by the wheels was plainly discernible at the
window of his chaise and the motion of his arm which he was waving violently
towards the postilions denoted that he was encouraging them to increased
exertion
The interest was intense Fields trees and hedges seemed to rush past
them with the velocity of a whirlwind so rapid was the pace at which they tore
along They were close by the side of the first chaise Jingles voice could be
plainly heard even above the din of the wheels urging on the boys Old Mr
Wardle foamed with rage and excitement He roared out scoundrels and villains by
the dozen clenched his fist and shook it expressively at the object of his
indignation but Mr Jingle only answered with a contemptuous smile and replied
to his menaces by a shout of triumph as his horses answering the increased
application of whip and spur broke into a faster gallop and left the pursuers
behind
Mr Pickwick had just drawn in his head and Mr Wardle exhausted with
shouting had done the same when a tremendous jolt threw them forward against
the front of the vehicle There was a sudden bump a loud crash away rolled a
wheel and over went the chaise
After a very few seconds of bewilderment and confusion in which nothing but
the plunging of horses and breaking of glass could be made out Mr Pickwick
felt himself violently pulled out from among the ruins of the chaise and as
soon as he had gained his feet and extricated his head from the skirts of his
great coat which materially impeded the usefulness of his spectacles the full
disaster of the case met his view
Old Mr Wardle without a hat and his clothes torn in several places stood
by his side and the fragments of the chaise lay scattered at their feet The
postboys who had succeeded in cutting the traces were standing disfigured
with mud and disordered by hard riding by the horses heads About a hundred
yards in advance was the other chaise which had pulled up on hearing the crash
The postilions each with a broad grin convulsing his countenance were viewing
the adverse party from their saddles and Mr Jingle was contemplating the wreck
from the coachwindow with evident satisfaction The day was just breaking and
the whole scene was rendered perfectly visible by the grey light of the morning
»Hallo« shouted the shameless Jingle »anybody damaged elderly gentlemen
no light weights dangerous work very«
»Youre a rascal« roared Wardle
»Ha ha« replied Jingle and then he added with a knowing wink and a jerk
of the thumb towards the interior of the chaise »I say shes very well
desires her compliments begs you wont trouble yourself love to Tuppy
wont you get up behind drive on boys«
The postilions resumed their proper attitudes and away rattled the chaise
Mr Jingle fluttering in derision a white handkerchief from the coachwindow
Nothing in the whole adventure not even the upset had disturbed the calm
and equable current of Mr Pickwicks temper The villany however which could
first borrow money of his faithful follower and then abbreviate his name to
Tuppy was more than he could patiently bear He drew his breath hard and
coloured up to the very tips of his spectacles as he said slowly and
emphatically
»If ever I meet that man again Ill «
»Yes yes« interrupted Wardle »thats all very well but while we stand
talking here theyll get their licence and be married in London«
Mr Pickwick paused bottled up his vengeance and corked it down
»How far is it to the next stage« inquired Mr Wardle of one of the boys
»Six mile ant it Tom«
»Rayther better«
»Rayther better nor six mile sir«
»Cant be helped« said Wardle »we must walk it Pickwick«
»No help for it« replied that truly great man
So sending forward one of the boys on horseback to procure a fresh chaise
and horses and leaving the other behind to take care of the broken one Mr
Pickwick and Mr Wardle set manfully forward on the walk first tying their
shawls round their necks and slouching down their hats to escape as much as
possible from the deluge of rain which after a slight cessation had again begun
to pour heavily down
Chapter X
Clearing Up All Doubts if Any Existed of the Disinterestedness of Mr Jingles
Character
There are in London several old inns once the headquarters of celebrated
coaches in the days when coaches performed their journeys in a graver and more
solemn manner than they do in these times but which have now degenerated into
little more than the abiding and booking places of country waggons The reader
would look in vain for any of these ancient hostelries among the Golden Crosses
and Bull and Mouths which rear their stately fronts in the improved streets of
London If he would light upon any of these old places he must direct his steps
to the obscurer quarters of the town and there in some secluded nooks he will
find several still standing with a kind of gloomy sturdiness amidst the modern
innovations which surround them
In the Borough especially there still remain some half dozen old inns
which have preserved their external features unchanged and which have escaped
alike the rage for public improvement and the encroachments of private
speculation Great rambling queer old places they are with galleries and
passages and staircases wide enough and antiquated enough to furnish materials
for a hundred ghost stories supposing we should ever be reduced to the
lamentable necessity of inventing any and that the world should exist long
enough to exhaust the innumerable veracious legends connected with old London
Bridge and its adjacent neighbourhood on the Surrey side
It was in the yard of one of these inns of no less celebrated a one than
the White Hart that a man was busily employed in brushing the dirt off a pair
of boots early on the morning succeeding the events narrated in the last
chapter He was habited in a coarsestriped waistcoat with black calico
sleeves and blue glass buttons drab breeches and leggings A bright red
handkerchief was wound in a very loose and unstudied style round his neck and
an old white hat was carelessly thrown on one side of his head There were two
rows of boots before him one cleaned and the other dirty and at every addition
he made to the clean row he paused from his work and contemplated its results
with evident satisfaction
The yard presented none of that bustle and activity which are the usual
characteristics of a large coach inn Three or four lumbering waggons each with
a pile of goods beneath its ample canopy about the height of the secondfloor
window of an ordinary house were stowed away beneath a lofty roof which
extended over one end of the yard and another which was probably to commence
its journey that morning was drawn out into the open space A double tier of
bedroom galleries with old clumsy balustrades ran round two sides of the
straggling area and a double row of bells to correspond sheltered from the
weather by a little sloping roof hung over the door leading to the bar and
coffeeroom Two or three gigs and chaisecarts were wheeled up under different
little sheds and penthouses and the occasional heavy tread of a carthorse or
rattling of a chain at the further end of the yard announced to anybody who
cared about the matter that the stable lay in that direction When we add that
a few boys in smock frocks were lying asleep on heavy packages woolpacks and
other articles that were scattered about on heaps of straw we have described as
fully as need be the general appearance of the yard of the White Hart Inn High
Street Borough on the particular morning in question
A loud ringing of one of the bells was followed by the appearance of a
smart chambermaid in the upper sleeping gallery who after tapping at one of
the doors and receiving a request from within called over the balustrades
»Sam«
»Hallo« replied the man with the white hat
»Number twentytwo wants his boots«
»Ask number twentytwo wether hell have em now or wait till he gets
em« was the reply
»Come dont be a fool Sam« said the girl coaxingly »the gentleman wants
his boots directly«
»Well you are a nice young ooman for a musical party you are« said the
bootcleaner »Look at these here boots eleven pair o boots and one shoe as
blongs to number six with the wooden leg The eleven boots is to be called at
halfpast eight and the shoe at nine Whos number twentytwo thats to put all
the others out No no reglar rotation as Jack Ketch said wen he tied the
men up Sorry to keep you a waitin sir but Ill attend to you directly«
Saying which the man in the white hat set to work upon a topboot with
increased assiduity
There was another loud ring and the bustling old landlady of the White Hart
made her appearance in the opposite gallery
»Sam« cried the landlady »wheres that lazy idle why Sam oh there
you are why dont you answer«
»Wouldnt be genteel to answer till youd done talking« replied Sam
gruffly
»Here clean them shoes for number seventeen directly and take em to
private sittingroom number five first floor«
The landlady flung a pair of ladys shoes into the yard and bustled away
»Number 5« said Sam as he picked up the shoes and taking a piece of chalk
from his pocket made a memorandum of their destination on the soles »Ladys
shoes and private sittin room I suppose she didnt come in the waggin«
»She came in early this morning« cried the girl who was still leaning over
the railing of the gallery »with a gentleman in a hackneycoach and its him
as wants his boots and youd better do em thats all about it«
»Vy didnt you say so before« said Sam with great indignation singling
out the boots in question from the heap before him »For all I knowd he vas one
o the regular threepennies Private room and a lady too If hes anything of
a genlmn hes vorth a shillin a day let alone the arrands«
Stimulated by this inspiring reflection Mr Samuel brushed way with such
hearty good will that in a few minutes the boots and shoes with a polish which
would have struck envy to the soul of the amiable Mr Warren for they used Day
and Martin at the White Hart had arrived at the door of number five
»Come in« said a mans voice in reply to Sams rap at the door
Sam made his best bow and stepped into the presence of a lady and gentleman
seated at breakfast Having officiously deposited the gentlemans boots right
and left at his feet and the ladys shoes right and left at hers he backed
towards the door
»Boots« said the gentleman
»Sir« said Sam closing the door and keeping his hand on the knob of the
lock
»Do you know whats aname Doctors Commons«
»Yes sir«
»Where is it«
»Pauls Churchyard sir low archway on the carriageside booksellers at
one corner hotel on the other and two porters in the middle as touts for
licences«
»Touts for licences« said the gentleman
»Touts for licences« replied Sam »Two coves in vhite aprons touches
their hats wen you walk in Licence sir licence Queer sort them and their
masrs too sir Old Baily Proctors and no mistake«
»What do they do« inquired the gentleman
»Do You sir That ant the wost on it neither They puts things into old
genlmns heads as they never dreamed of My father sir wos a coachman A
widower he wos and fat enough for anything uncommon fat to be sure His
missus dies and leaves him four hundred pound Down he goes to the Commons to
see the lawyer and draw the blunt wery smart top boots on nosegay in his
buttonhole broadbrimmed tile green shawl quite the genlmn Goes
through the archvay thinking how he should inwest the money up comes the
touter touches his hat Licence sir licence Whats that says my father
Licence sir says he What licence says my father Marriage licence
says the touter Dash my veskit says my father I never thought o that I
think you wants one sir says the touter My father pulls up and thinks abit
No says he damme Im too old bsides Im a many sizes too large says he
Not a bit on it sir says the touter Think not says my father Im sure
not says he we married a genlmn twice your size last Monday Did you
though said my father To be sure we did says the touter youre a babby to
him this way sir this way and sure enough my father walks arter him
like a tame monkey behind a horgan into a little back office vere a feller sat
among dirty papers and tin boxes making believe he was busy Pray take a seat
vile I makes out the affidavit sir says the lawyer Thankee sir says my
father and down he sat and stared with all his eyes and his mouth vide open
at the names on the boxes Whats your name sir says the lawyer Tony
Weller says my father Parish says the lawyer Belle Savage says my
father for he stopped there wen he drove up and he knowd nothing about
parishes he didnt And whats the ladys name says the lawyer My father
was struck all of a heap Blessed if I know says he Not know says the
lawyer No more nor you do says my father cant I put that in arterwards
Impossible says the lawyer Wery well says my father after hed thought a
moment put down Mrs Clarke What Clarke says the lawyer dipping his pen in
the ink Susan Clarke Markis o Granby Dorking says my father shell have
me if I ask I dessay I never said nothing to her but shell have me I
know The licence was made out and she did have him and whats more shes got
him now and I never had any of the four hundred pound worse luck Beg your
pardon sir« said Sam when he had concluded »but wen I gets on this here
grievance I runs on like a new barrow vith the wheel greased« Having said
which and having paused for an instant to see whether he was wanted for
anything more Sam left the room
»Halfpast nine just the time off at once« said the gentleman whom we
need hardly introduce as Mr Jingle
»Time for what« said the spinster aunt coquettishly
»Licence dearest of angels give notice at the church call you mine
tomorrow« said Mr Jingle and he squeezed the spinster aunts hand
»The licence« said Rachael blushing
»The licence« repeated Mr Jingle
»In hurry posthaste for a licence
In hurry ding dong I come back«
»How you run on« said Rachael
»Run on nothing to the hours days weeks months years when were
united run on theyll fly on bolt mizzle steamengine thousandhorse
power nothing to it«
»Cant cant we be married before tomorrow morning« inquired Rachael
»Impossible cant be notice at the church leave the licence today
ceremony come off tomorrow«
»I am so terrified lest my brother should discover us« said Rachael
»Discover nonsense too much shaken by the breakdown besides extreme
caution gave up the postchaise walked on took a hackney coach came to
the Borough last place in the world that hed look in ha ha capital
notion that very«
»Dont be long« said the spinster affectionately as Mr Jingle stuck the
pinchedup hat on his head
»Long away from you Cruel charmer« and Mr Jingle skipped playfully up
to the spinster aunt imprinted a chaste kiss upon her lips and danced out of
the room
»Dear man« said the spinster as the door closed after him
»Rum old girl« said Mr Jingle as he walked down the passage
It is painful to reflect upon the perfidy of our species and we will not
therefore pursue the thread of Mr Jingles meditations as he wended his way
to Doctors Commons It will be sufficient for our purpose to relate that
escaping the snares of the dragons in white aprons who guard the entrance to
that enchanted region he reached the Vicar Generals office in safety and
having procured a highly flattering address on parchment from the Archbishop of
Canterbury to his »trusty and wellbeloved Alfred Jingle and Rachael Wardle
greeting« he carefully deposited the mystic document in his pocket and
retraced his steps in triumph to the Borough
He was yet on his way to the White Hart when two plump gentlemen and one
thin one entered the yard and looked round in search of some authorised person
of whom they could make a few inquiries Mr Samuel Weller happened to be at
that moment engaged in burnishing a pair of painted tops the personal property
of a farmer who was refreshing himself with a slight lunch of two or three
pounds of cold beef and a pot or two of porter after the fatigues of the
Borough market and to him the thin gentleman straightway advanced
»My friend« said the thin gentleman
»Youre one o the adwice gratis order« thought Sam »or you wouldnt be so
werry fond o me all at once« But he only said »Well sir«
»My friend« said the thin gentleman with a conciliatory hem »Have you
got many people stopping here now Pretty busy Eh«
Sam stole a look at the inquirer He was a little highdried man with a
dark squeezedup face and small restless black eyes that kept winking and
twinkling on each side of his little inquisitive nose as if they were playing a
perpetual game of peepbo with that feature He was dressed all in black with
boots as shiny as his eyes a low white neckcloth and a clean shirt with a
frill to it A gold watchchain and seals depended from his fob He carried
his black kid gloves in his hands not on them and as he spoke thrust his
wrists beneath his coattails with the air of a man who was in the habit of
propounding some regular posers
»Pretty busy eh« said the little man
»Oh werry well sir« replied Sam »we shant be bankrupts and we shant
make our fortns We eats our biled mutton without capers and dont care for
horseradish wen ve can get beef«
»Ah« said the little man »youre a wag ant you«
»My eldest brother was troubled with that complaint« said Sam »it may be
catching I used to sleep with him«
»This is a curious old house of yours« said the little man looking round
him
»If youd sent word you was a coming wed ha had it repaired« replied the
imperturbable Sam
The little man seemed rather baffled by these several repulses and a short
consultation took place between him and the two plump gentlemen At its
conclusion the little man took a pinch of snuff from an oblong silver box and
was apparently on the point of renewing the conversation when one of the plump
gentlemen who in additon to a benevolent countenance possessed a pair of
spectacles and a pair of black gaiters interfered
»The fact of the matter is« said the benevolent gentleman »that my friend
here pointing to the other plump gentleman will give you half a guinea if
youll answer one or two «
»Now my dear sir my dear sir« said the little man »pray allow me my
dear sir the very first principle to be observed in these cases is this if
you place a matter in the hands of a professional man you must in no way
interfere in the progress of the business you must repose implicit confidence
in him Really Mr he turned to the other plump gentleman and said I
forget your friends name«
»Pickwick« said Mr Wardle for it was no other than that jolly personage
»Ah Pickwick really Mr Pickwick my dear sir excuse me I shall be
happy to receive any private suggestions of yours as amicus curiæ but you must
see the impropriety of your interfering with my conduct in this case with such
an ad captandum argument as the offer of half a guinea Really my dear sir
really« and the little man took an argumentative pinch of snuff and looked
very profound
»My only wish sir« said Mr Pickwick »was to bring this very unpleasant
matter to as speedy a close as possible«
»Quite right quite right« said the little man
»With which view« continued Mr Pickwick »I made use of the argument which
my experience of men has taught me is the most likely to succeed in any case«
»Ay ay« said the little man »very good very good indeed but you should
have suggested it to me My dear sir Im quite certain you cannot be ignorant
of the extent of confidence which must be placed in professional men If any
authority can be necessary on such a point my dear sir let me refer you to the
wellknown case in Barnwell and «
»Never mind George Barnwell« interrupted Sam who had remained a wondering
listener during this short colloquy »every body knows vhat sort of a case his
was tho its always been my opinion mind you that the young ooman deserved
scragging a precious sight more than he did Howsever thats neither here nor
there You want me to except of half a guinea Werry well Im agreeable I
cant say no fairer than that can I sir Mr Pickwick smiled Then the next
question is what the devil do you want with me as the man said wen he see the
ghost«
»We want to know « said Mr Wardle
»Now my dear sir my dear sir« interposed the busy little man
Mr Wardle shrugged his shoulders and was silent
»We want to know« said the little man solemnly »and we ask the question
of you in order that we may not awaken apprehensions inside we want to know
who youve got in this house at present«
»Who there is in the house« said Sam in whose mind the inmates were always
represented by that particular article of their costume which came under his
immediate superintendence »Theres a wooden leg in number six theres a pair
of Hessians in thirteen theres two pair of halves in the commercial theres
these here painted tops in the snuggery inside the bar and five more tops in
the coffeeroom«
»Nothing more« said the little man
»Stop a bit« replied Sam suddenly recollecting himself »Yes theres a
pair of Wellingtons a good deal worn and a pair o ladys shoes in number
five«
»What sort of shoes« hastily inquired Wardle who together with Mr
Pickwick had been lost in bewilderment at the singular catalogue of visitors
»Country make« replied Sam
»Any makers name«
»Brown«
»Where of«
»Muggleton«
»It is them« exclaimed Wardle »By Heavens weve found them«
»Hush« said Sam »The Wellingtons has gone to Doctors Commons«
»No« said the little man
»Yes for a licence«
»Were in time« exclaimed Wardle »Show us the room not a moment is to be
lost«
»Pray my dear sir pray« said the little man »caution caution« He drew
from his pocket a red silk purse and looked very hard at Sam as he drew out a
sovereign
Sam grinned expressively
»Show us into the room at once without announcing us« said the little man
»and its yours«
Sam threw the painted tops into a corner and led the way through a dark
passage and up a wide staircase He paused at the end of a second passage and
held out his hand
»Here it is« whispered the attorney as he deposited the money in the hand
of their guide
The man stepped forward for a few paces followed by the two friends and
their legal adviser He stopped at a door
»Is this the room« murmured the little gentleman
Sam nodded assent
Old Wardle opened the door and the whole three walked into the room just as
Mr Jingle who had that moment returned had produced the licence to the
spinster aunt
The spinster uttered a loud shriek and throwing herself in a chair
covered her face with her hands Mr Jingle crumpled up the licence and thrust
it into his coatpocket The unwelcome visitors advanced into the middle of the
room
»You you are a nice rascal arnt you« exclaimed Wardle breathless with
passion
»My dear sir my dear sir« said the little man laying his hat on the
table »Pray consider pray Defamation of character action for damages Calm
yourself my dear sir pray «
»How dare you drag my sister from my house« said the old man
»Ay ay very good« said the little gentleman »you may ask that How
dare you sir eh sir«
»Who the devil are you« inquired Mr Jingle in so fierce a tone that the
little gentleman involuntarily fell back a step or two
»Who is he you scoundrel« interposed Wardle »Hes my lawyer Mr Perker
of Grays Inn Perker Ill have this fellow prosecuted indicted Ill Ill
Ill ruin him And you« continued Mr Wardle turning abruptly round to his
sister »you Rachael at a time of life when you ought to know better what do
you mean by running away with a vagabond disgracing your family and making
yourself miserable Get on your bonnet and come back Call a hackneycoach
there directly and bring this ladys bill dye hear dye hear«
»Certnly sir« replied Sam who had answered Wardles violent ringing of
the bell with a degree of celerity which must have appeared marvellous to
anybody who didnt know that his eye had been applied to the outside of the
keyhole during the whole interview
»Get on your bonnet« repeated Wardle
»Do nothing of the kind« said Jingle »Leave the room sir no business
here ladys free to act as she pleases more than oneandtwenty«
»More than oneandtwenty« ejaculated Wardle contemptuously »More than
oneandforty«
»I ant« said the spinster aunt her indignation getting the better of her
determination to faint
»You are« replied Wardle »youre fifty if youre an hour«
Here the spinster aunt uttered a loud shriek and became senseless
»A glass of water« said the humane Mr Pickwick summoning the landlady
»A glass of water« said the passionate Wardle »Bring a bucket and throw
it all over her itll do her good and she richly deserves it«
»Ugh you brute« ejaculated the kindhearted landlady »Poor dear« And
with sundry ejaculations of »Come now theres a dear drink a little of this
itll do you good dont give way so theres a love« etc etc the
landlady assisted by a chambermaid proceeded to vinegar the forehead beat
the hands titillate the nose and unlace the stays of the spinster aunt and to
administer such other restoratives as are usually applied by compassionate
females to ladies who are endeavouring to ferment themselves into hysterics
»Coach is ready sir« said Sam appearing at the door
»Come along« cried Wardle »Ill carry her down stairs«
At this proposition the hysterics came on with redoubled violence
The landlady was about to enter a very violent protest against this
proceeding and had already given vent to an indignant inquiry whether Mr
Wardle considered himself a lord of the creation when Mr Jingle interposed
»Boots« said he »get me an officer«
»Stay stay« said little Mr Perker »Consider sir consider«
»Ill not consider« replied Jingle »Shes her own mistress see who dares
to take her away unless she wishes it«
»I wont be taken away« murmured the spinster aunt »I dont wish it«
Here there was a frightful relapse
»My dear sir« said the little man in a low tone taking Mr Wardle and Mr
Pickwick apart »My dear sir were in a very awkward situation Its a
distressing case very I never knew one more so but really my dear sir
really we have no power to control this ladys actions I warned you before we
came my dear sir that there was nothing to look to but a compromise«
There was a short pause
»What kind of compromise would you recommend« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Why my dear sir our friends in an unpleasant position very much so We
must be content to suffer some pecuniary loss«
»Ill suffer any rather than submit to this disgrace and let her fool as
she is be made miserable for life« said Wardle
»I rather think it can be done« said the bustling little man »Mr Jingle
will you step with us into the next room for a moment«
Mr Jingle assented and the quartette walked into an empty apartment
»Now sir« said the little man as he carefully closed the door »is there
no way of accommodating this matter step this way sir for a moment into
this window sir where we can be alone there sir there pray sit down sir
Now my dear sir between you and I we know very well my dear sir that you
have run off with this lady for the sake of her money Dont frown sir dont
frown I say between you and I we know it We are both men of the world and
we know very well that our friends here are not eh«
Mr Jingles face gradually relaxed and something distantly resembling a
wink quivered for an instant in his left eye
»Very good very good« said the little man observing the impression he had
made »Now the fact is that beyond a few hundreds the lady has little or
nothing till the death of her mother fine old lady my dear sir«
»Old« said Mr Jingle briefly but emphatically
»Why yes« said the attorney with a slight cough »You are right my dear
sir she is rather old She comes of an old family though my dear sir old in
every sense of the word The founder of that family came into Kent when Julius
Cæsar invaded Britain only one member of it since who hasnt lived to
eightyfive and he was beheaded by one of the Henrys The old lady is not
seventythree now my dear sir« The little man paused and took a pinch of
snuff
»Well« cried Mr Jingle
»Well my dear sir you dont take snuff ah so much the better
expensive habit well my dear sir youre a fine young man man of the world
able to push your fortune if you had capital eh«
»Well« said Mr Jingle again
»Do you comprehend me«
»Not quite«
»Dont you think now my dear sir I put it to you dont you think that
fifty pounds and liberty would be better than Miss Wardle and expectation«
»Wont do not half enough« said Mr Jingle rising
»Nay nay my dear sir« remonstrated the little attorney seizing him by
the button »Good round sum a man like you could treble it in no time great
deal to be done with fifty pounds my dear sir«
»More to be done with a hundred and fifty« replied Mr Jingle coolly
»Well my dear sir we wont waste time in splitting straws« resumed the
little man »say say seventy«
»Wont do« said Mr Jingle
»Dont go away my dear sir pray dont hurry« said the little man
»Eighty come Ill write you a cheque at once«
»Wont do« said Mr Jingle
»Well my dear sir well« said the little man still detaining him »just
tell me what will do«
»Expensive affair« said Mr Jingle »Money out of pocket posting nine
pounds licence three thats twelve compensation a hundred hundred and
twelve Breach of honour and loss of the lady «
»Yes my dear sir yes« said the little man with a knowing look »never
mind the last two items Thats a hundred and twelve say a hundred come«
»And twenty« said Mr Jingle
»Come come Ill write you a cheque« said the little man and down he sat
at the table for that purpose
»Ill make it payable the day after tomorrow« said the little man with a
look towards Mr Wardle »and we can get the lady away meanwhile« Mr Wardle
sullenly nodded assent
»A hundred« said the little man
»And twenty« said Mr Jingle
»My dear sir« remonstrated the little man
»Give it him« interposed Mr Wardle »and let him go«
The cheque was written by the little gentleman and pocketed by Mr Jingle
»Now leave this house instantly« said Wardle starting up
»My dear sir« urged the little man
»And mind« said Mr Wardle »that nothing should have induced me to make
this compromise not even a regard for my family if I had not known that the
moment you got any money in that pocket of yours youd go to the devil faster
if possible than you would without it «
»My dear sir« urged the little man again
»Be quiet Perker« resumed Wardle »Leave the room sir«
»Off directly« said the unabashed Jingle »Bye bye Pickwick«
If any dispassionate spectator could have beheld the countenance of the
illustrious man whose name forms the leading feature of the title of this work
during the latter part of this conversation he would have been almost induced
to wonder that the indignant fire which flashed from his eyes did not melt the
glasses of his spectacles so majestic was his wrath His nostrils dilated and
his fists clenched involuntarily as he heard himself addressed by the villain
But he restrained himself again he did not pulverise him
»Here« continued the hardened traitor tossing the licence at Mr
Pickwicks feet »get the name altered take home the lady do for Tuppy«
Mr Pickwick was a philosopher but philosophers are only men in armour
after all The shaft had reached him penetrated through his philosophical
harness to his very heart In the frenzy of his rage he hurled the inkstand
madly forward and followed it up himself But Mr Jingle had disappeared and
he found himself caught in the arms of Sam
»Hallo« said that eccentric functionary »furniters cheap where you come
from sir Selfacting ink that ere its wrote your mark upon the wall old
genlmn Hold still sir wots the use o runnin arter a man as has made his
lucky and got to t other end of the Borough by this time«
Mr Pickwicks mind like those of all truly great men was open to
conviction He was a quick and powerful reasoner and a moments reflection
sufficed to remind him of the impotency of his rage It subsided as quickly as
it had been roused He panted for breath and looked benignantly round upon his
friends
Shall we tell the lamentations that ensued when Miss Wardle found herself
deserted by the faithless Jingle Shall we extract Mr Pickwicks masterly
description of that heartrending scene His notebook blotted with the tears
of sympathising humanity lies open before us one word and it is in the
printers hands But no we will be resolute We will not wring the public
bosom with the delineation of such suffering
Slowly and sadly did the two friends and the deserted lady return next day
in the Muggleton heavy coach Dimly and darkly had the sombre shadows of a
summers night fallen upon all around when they again reached Dingley Dell and
stood within the entrance to Manor Farm
Chapter XI
Involving Another Journey and an Antiquarian Discovery Recording Mr
Pickwicks Determination To Be Present at an Election and Containing a
Manuscript of the Old Clergymans
A night of quiet and repose in the profound silence of Dingley Dell and an
hours breathing of its fresh and fragrant air on the ensuing morning
completely recovered Mr Pickwick from the effects of his late fatigue of body
and anxiety of mind That illustrious man had been separated from his friends
and followers for two whole days and it was with a degree of pleasure and
delight which no common imagination can adequately conceive that he stepped
forward to greet Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass as he encountered those gentlemen
on his return from his early walk The pleasure was mutual for who could ever
gaze on Mr Pickwicks beaming face without experiencing the sensation But
still a cloud seemed to hang over his companions which that great man could not
but be sensible of and was wholly at a loss to account for There was a
mysterious air about them both as unusual as it was alarming
»And how« said Mr Pickwick when he had grasped his followers by the hand
and exchanged warm salutations of welcome »how is Tupman«
Mr Winkle to whom the question was more peculiarly addressed made no
reply He turned away his head and appeared absorbed in melancholy reflections
»Snodgrass« said Mr Pickwick earnestly »How is our friend he is not
ill«
»No« replied Mr Snodgrass and a tear trembled on his sentimental eyelid
like a raindrop on a windowframe »No he is not ill«
Mr Pickwick stopped and gazed on each of his friends in turn
»Winkle Snodgrass« said Mr Pickwick »what does this mean Where is our
friend What has happened Speak I conjure I entreat nay I command you
speak«
There was a solemnity a dignity in Mr Pickwicks manner not to be
withstood
»He is gone« said Mr Snodgrass
»Gone« exclaimed Mr Pickwick »Gone«
»Gone« repeated Mr Snodgrass
»Where« ejaculated Mr Pickwick
»We can only guess from that communication« replied Mr Snodgrass taking
a letter from his pocket and placing it in his friends hand »Yesterday
morning when a letter was received from Mr Wardle stating that you would be
home with his sister at night the melancholy which had hung over our friend
during the whole of the previous day was observed to increase He shortly
afterwards disappeared he was missing during the whole day and in the evening
this letter was brought by the hostler from the Crown at Muggleton It had been
left in his charge in the morning with a strict injunction that it should not
be delivered until night«
Mr Pickwick opened the epistle It was in his friends handwriting and
these were its contents
»My dear Pickwick
You my dear friend are placed far beyond the reach of many mortal
frailties and weaknesses which ordinary people cannot overcome You do
not know what it is at one blow to be deserted by a lovely and
fascinating creature and to fall a victim to the artifices of a
villain who hid the grin of cunning beneath the mask of friendship I
hope you never may
Any letter addressed to me at the Leather Bottle Cobham Kent
will be forwarded supposing I still exist I hasten from the sight of
that world which has become odious to me Should I hasten from it
altogether pity forgive me Life my dear Pickwick has become
insupportable to me The spirit which burns within us is a porters
knot on which to rest the heavy load of worldly cares and troubles and
when that spirit fails us the burden is too heavy to be borne We sink
beneath it You may tell Rachael Ah that name
TRACY TUPMAN«
»We must leave this place directly« said Mr Pickwick as he refolded the
note »It would not have been decent for us to remain here under any
circumstances after what has happened and now we are bound to follow in search
of our friend« And so saying he led the way to the house
His intention was rapidly communicated The entreaties to remain were
pressing but Mr Pickwick was inflexible Business he said required his
immediate attendance
The old clergyman was present
»You are not really going« said he taking Mr Pickwick aside
Mr Pickwick reiterated his former determination
»Then here« said the old gentleman »is a little manuscript which I had
hoped to have the pleasure of reading to you myself I found it on the death of
a friend of mine a medical man engaged in our County Lunatic Asylum among a
variety of papers which I had the option of destroying or preserving as I
thought proper I can hardly believe that the manuscript is genuine though it
certainly is not in my friends hand However whether it be the genuine
production of a maniac or founded upon the ravings of some unhappy being which
I think more probable read it and judge for yourself«
Mr Pickwick received the manuscript and parted from the benevolent old
gentleman with many expressions of goodwill and esteem
It was a more difficult task to take leave of the inmates of Manor Farm
from whom they had received so much hospitality and kindness Mr Pickwick
kissed the young ladies we were going to say as if they were his own
daughters only as he might possibly have infused a little more warmth into the
salutation the comparison would not be quite appropriate hugged the old lady
with filial cordiality and patted the rosy cheeks of the female servants in a
most patriarchal manner as he slipped into the hands of each some more
substantial expression of his approval The exchange of cordialities with their
fine old host and Mr Trundle were even more hearty and prolonged and it was
not until Mr Snodgrass had been several times called for and at last emerged
from a dark passage followed soon after by Emily whose bright eyes looked
unusually dim that the three friends were enabled to tear themselves from
their friendly entertainers Many a backward look they gave at the Farm as they
walked slowly away and many a kiss did Mr Snodgrass waft in the air in
acknowledgment of something very like a ladys handkerchief which was waved
from one of the upper windows until a turn of the lane hid the old house from
their sight
At Muggleton they procured a conveyance to Rochester By the time they
reached the lastnamed place the violence of their grief had sufficiently
abated to admit of their making a very excellent early dinner and having
procured the necessary information relative to the road the three friends set
forward again in the afternoon to walk to Cobham
A delightful walk it was for it was a pleasant afternoon in June and their
way lay through a deep and shady wood cooled by the light wind which gently
rustled the thick foliage and enlivened by the songs of the birds that perched
upon the boughs The ivy and the moss crept in thick clusters over the old
trees and the soft green turf overspread the ground like a silken mat They
emerged upon an open park with an ancient hall displaying the quaint and
picturesque architecture of Elizabeths time Long vistas of stately oaks and
elm trees appeared on every side large herds of deer were cropping the fresh
grass and occasionally a startled hare scoured along the ground with the speed
of the shadows thrown by the light clouds which swept across a sunny landscape
like a passing breath of summer
»If this« said Mr Pickwick looking about him »if this were the place to
which all who are troubled with our friends complaint came I fancy their old
attachment to this world would very soon return«
»I think so too« said Mr Winkle
»And really« added Mr Pickwick after half an hours walking had brought
them to the village »really for a misanthropes choice this is one of the
prettiest and most desirable places of residence I ever met with«
In this opinion also both Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass expressed their
concurrence and having been directed to the Leathern Bottle a clean and
commodious village alehouse the three travellers entered and at once inquired
for a gentleman of the name of Tupman
»Show the gentlemen into the parlour Tom« said the landlady
A stout country lad opened a door at the end of the passage and the three
friends entered a long lowroofed room furnished with a large number of
highbacked leathercushioned chairs of fantastic shapes and embellished with a
great variety of old portraits and roughlycoloured prints of some antiquity At
the upper end of the room was a table with a white cloth upon it well covered
with a roast fowl bacon ale and et ceteras and at the table sat Mr Tupman
looking as unlike a man who had taken his leave of the world as possible
On the entrance of his friends that gentleman laid down his knife and fork
and with a mournful air advanced to meet them
»I did not expect to see you here« he said as he grasped Mr Pickwicks
hand »Its very kind«
»Ah« said Mr Pickwick sitting down and wiping from his forehead the
perspiration which the walk had engendered »Finish your dinner and walk out
with me I wish to speak to you alone«
Mr Tupman did as he was desired and Mr Pickwick having refreshed himself
with a copious draught of ale waited his friends leisure The dinner was
quickly despatched and they walked out together
For half an hour their forms might have been seen pacing the churchyard to
and fro while Mr Pickwick was engaged in combatting his companions
resolution Any repetition of his arguments would be useless for what language
could convey to them that energy and force which their great originators manner
communicated Whether Mr Tupman was already tired of retirement or whether he
was wholly unable to resist the eloquent appeal which was made to him matters
not he did not resist it at last
»It mattered little to him« he said »where he dragged out the miserable
remainder of his days and since his friend laid so much stress upon his humble
companionship he was willing to share his adventures«
Mr Pickwick smiled they shook hands and walked back to rejoin their
companions
It was at this moment that Mr Pickwick made that immortal discovery which
has been the pride and boast of his friends and the envy of every antiquarian
in this or any other country They had passed the door of their inn and walked
a little way down the village before they recollected the precise spot in which
it stood As they turned back Mr Pickwicks eye fell upon a small broken
stone partially buried in the ground in front of a cottage door He paused
»This is very strange« said Mr Pickwick
»What is strange« inquired Mr Tupman staring eagerly at every object near
him but the right one »God bless me whats the matter«
This last was an ejaculation of irrepressible astonishment occasioned by
seeing Mr Pickwick in his enthusiasm for discovery fall on his knees before
the little stone and commence wiping the dust off it with his
pockethandkerchief
»There is an inscription here« said Mr Pickwick
»Is it possible« said Mr Tupman
»I can discern« continued Mr Pickwick rubbing away with all his might
and gazing intently through his spectacles »I can discern a cross and a B, and
then a T This is important« continued Mr Pickwick starting up »This is some
very old inscription existing perhaps long before the ancient almshouses in
this place It must not be lost«
He tapped at the cottage door A labouring man opened it
»Do you know how this stone came here my friend« inquired the benevolent
Mr Pickwick
»No I doant sir« replied the man civilly »It was here long afore I war
born or any on us«
Mr Pickwick glanced triumphantly at his companion
»You you are not particularly attached to it I dare say« said Mr
Pickwick trembling with anxiety »You wouldnt mind selling it now«
»Ah but whod buy it« inquired the man with an expression of face which
he probably meant to be very cunning
»Ill give you ten shillings for it at once« said Mr Pickwick »if you
would take it up for me«
The astonishment of the village may be easily imagined when the little
stone having been raised with one wrench of a spade Mr Pickwick by dint of
great personal exertion bore it with his own hands to the inn and after having
carefully washed it deposited it on the table
The exultation and joy of the Pickwickians knew no bounds when their
patience and assiduity their washing and scraping were crowned with success
The stone was uneven and broken and the letters were straggling and irregular
but the following fragment of an inscription was clearly to be deciphered
B I L S T
U M
P S H I
S M
A R K
Mr Pickwicks eyes sparkled with delight as he sat and gloated over the
treasure he had discovered He had attained one of the greatest objects of his
ambition In a county known to abound in remains of the early ages in a village
in which there still existed some memorials of the olden time he he the
Chairman of the Pickwick Club had discovered a strange and curious inscription
of unquestionable antiquity which had wholly escaped the observation of the
many learned men who had preceded him He could hardly trust the evidence of his
senses
»This this« said he »determines me We return to town tomorrow«
»Tomorrow« exclaimed his admiring followers
»Tomorrow« said Mr Pickwick »This treasure must be at once deposited
where it can be thoroughly investigated and properly understood I have another
reason for this step In a few days an election is to take place for the
borough of Eatanswill at which Mr Perker a gentleman whom I lately met is
the agent of one of the candidates We will behold and minutely examine a
scene so interesting to every Englishman«
»We will« was the animated cry of three voices
Mr Pickwick looked round him The attachment and fervour of his followers
lighted up a glow of enthusiasm within him He was their leader and he felt it
»Let us celebrate this happy meeting with a convivial glass« said he This
proposition like the other was received with unanimous applause Having
himself deposited the important stone in a small deal box purchased from the
landlady for the purpose he placed himself in an armchair at the head of the
table and the evening was devoted to festivity and conversation
It was past eleven oclock a late hour for the little village of Cobham
when Mr Pickwick retired to the bedroom which had been prepared for his
reception He threw open the latticewindow and setting his light upon the
table fell into a train of meditation on the hurried events of the two
preceding days
The hour and the place were both favourable to contemplation Mr Pickwick
was roused by the churchclock striking twelve The first stroke of the hour
sounded solemnly in his ear but when the bell ceased the stillness seemed
insupportable he almost felt as if he had lost a companion He was nervous
and excited and hastily undressing himself and placing his light in the
chimney got into bed
Every one has experienced that disagreeable state of mind in which a
sensation of bodily weariness in vain contends against an inability to sleep It
was Mr Pickwicks condition at this moment he tossed first on one side and
then on the other and perseveringly closed his eyes as if to coax himself to
slumber It was of no use Whether it was the unwonted exertion he had
undergone or the heat or the brandy and water or the strange bed whatever
it was his thoughts kept reverting very uncomfortably to the grim pictures down
stairs and the old stories to which they had given rise in the course of the
evening After half an hours tumbling about he came to the unsatisfactory
conclusion that it was of no use trying to sleep so he got up and partially
dressed himself Anything he thought was better than lying there fancying all
kinds of horrors He looked out of the window it was very dark He walked
about the room it was very lonely
He had taken a few turns from the door to the window and from the window to
the door when the clergymans manuscript for the first time entered his head
It was a good thought If it failed to interest him it might send him to sleep
He took it from his coatpocket and drawing a small table towards his bedside
trimmed the light put on his spectacles and composed himself to read It was a
strange handwriting and the paper was much soiled and blotted The title gave
him a sudden start too and he could not avoid casting a wistful glance round
the room Reflecting on the absurdity of giving way to such feelings however
he trimmed the light again and read as follows
A Madmans Manuscript
»Yes a madmans How that word would have struck to my heart many years ago
How it would have roused the terror that used to come upon me sometimes sending
the blood hissing and tingling through my veins till the cold dew of fear stood
in large drops upon my skin and my knees knocked together with fright I like
it now though Its a fine name Shew me the monarch whose angry frown was ever
feared like the glare of a madmans eye whose cord and axe were ever half so
sure as a madmans grip Ho ho Its a grand thing to be mad to be peeped at
like a wild lion through the iron bars to gnash ones teeth and howl through
the long still night to the merry ring of a heavy chain and to roll and twine
among the straw transported with such brave music Hurrah for the madhouse Oh
its a rare place
I remember days when I was afraid of being mad when I used to start from my
sleep and fall upon my knees and pray to be spared from the curse of my race
when I rushed from the sight of merriment or happiness to hide myself in some
lonely place and spend the weary hours in watching the progress of the fever
that was to consume my brain I knew that madness was mixed up with my very
blood and the marrow of my bones that one generation had passed away without
the pestilence appearing among them and that I was the first in whom it would
revive I knew it must be so that so it always had been and so it ever would
be and when I cowered in some obscure corner of a crowded room and saw men
whisper and point and turn their eyes towards me I knew they were telling
each other of the doomed madman and I slunk away again to mope in solitude
I did this for years long long years they were The nights here are long
sometimes very long but they are nothing to the restless nights and dreadful
dreams I had at that time It makes me cold to remember them Large dusky forms
with sly and jeering faces crouched in the corners of the room and bent over my
bed at night tempting me to madness They told me in low whispers that the
floor of the old house in which my fathers father died was stained with his
own blood shed by his own hand in raging madness I drove my fingers into my
ears but they screamed into my head till the room rang with it that in one
generation before him the madness slumbered but that his grandfather had lived
for years with his hands fettered to the ground to prevent his tearing himself
to pieces I knew they told the truth I knew it well I had found it out years
before though they had tried to keep it from me Ha ha I was too cunning for
them madman as they thought me
At last it came upon me and I wondered how I could ever have feared it I
could go into the world now and laugh and shout with the best among them I
knew I was mad but they did not even suspect it How I used to hug myself with
delight when I thought of the fine trick I was playing them after their old
pointing and leering when I was not mad but only dreading that I might one day
become so And how I used to laugh for joy when I was alone and thought how
well I kept my secret and how quickly my kind friends would have fallen from
me if they had known the truth I could have screamed with ecstasy when I dined
alone with some fine roaring fellow to think how pale he would have turned and
how fast he would have run if he had known that the dear friend who sat close
to him sharpening a bright glittering knife was a madman with all the power
and half the will to plunge it in his heart Oh it was a merry life
Riches became mine wealth poured in upon me and I rioted in pleasures
enhanced a thousandfold to me by the consciousness of my wellkept secret I
inherited an estate The law the eagleeyed law itself had been deceived
and had handed over disputed thousands to a madmans hands Where was the wit of
the sharpsighted men of sound mind Where the dexterity of the lawyers eager
to discover a flaw The madmans cunning had overreached them all
I had money How I was courted I spent it profusely How I was praised How
those three proud overbearing brothers humbled themselves before me The old
whiteheaded father too such deference such respect such devoted
friendship he worshipped me The old man had a daughter and the young men a
sister and all the five were poor I was rich and when I married the girl I
saw a smile of triumph play upon the faces of her needy relatives as they
thought of their wellplanned scheme and their fine prize It was for me to
smile To smile To laugh outright and tear my hair and roll upon the ground
with shrieks of merriment They little thought they had married her to a madman
Stay If they had known it would they have saved her A sisters happiness
against her husbands gold The lightest feather I blow into the air against
the gay chain that ornaments my body
In one thing I was deceived with all my cunning If I had not been mad for
though we madmen are sharpwitted enough we get bewildered sometimes I should
have known that the girl would rather have been placed stiff and cold in a dull
leaden coffin than borne an envied bride to my rich glittering house I should
have known that her heart was with the darkeyed boy whose name I once heard her
breathe in her troubled sleep and that she had been sacrificed to me to
relieve the poverty of the old whiteheaded man and the haughty brothers
I dont remember forms or faces now but I know the girl was beautiful I
know she was for in the bright moonlight nights when I start up from my sleep
and all is quiet about me I see standing still and motionless in one corner of
this cell a slight and wasted figure with long black hair which streaming down
her back stirs with no earthly wind and eyes that fix their gaze on me and
never wink or close Hush the blood chills at my heart as I write it down
that form is hers the face is very pale and the eyes are glassy bright but I
know them well That figure never moves it never frowns and mouths as others
do that fill this place sometimes but it is much more dreadful to me even
than the spirits that tempted me many years ago it comes fresh from the grave
and is so very deathlike
For nearly a year I saw that face grow paler for nearly a year I saw the
tears steal down the mournful cheeks and never knew the cause I found it out
at last though They could not keep it from me long She had never liked me I
had never thought she did she despised my wealth and hated the splendour in
which she lived I had not expected that She loved another This I had never
thought of Strange feelings came over me and thoughts forced upon me by some
secret power whirled round and round my brain I did not hate her though I
hated the boy she still wept for I pitied yes I pitied the wretched life
to which her cold and selfish relations had doomed her I knew that she could
not live long but the thought that before her death she might give birth to
some illfated being destined to hand down madness to its offspring determined
me I resolved to kill her
For many weeks I thought of poison and then of drowning and then of fire
A fine sight the grand house in flames and the madmans wife smouldering away
to cinders Think of the jest of a large reward too and of some sane man
swinging in the wind for a deed he never did and all through a madmans
cunning I thought often of this but I gave it up at last Oh the pleasure of
stropping the razor day after day feeling the sharp edge and thinking of the
gash one stroke of its thin bright edge would make
At last the old spirits who had been with me so often before whispered in my
ear that the time was come and thrust the open razor into my hand I grasped it
firmly rose softly from the bed and leaned over my sleeping wife Her face was
buried in her hands I withdrew them softly and they fell listlessly on her
bosom She had been weeping for the traces of the tears were still wet upon her
cheek Her face was calm and placid and even as I looked upon it a tranquil
smile lighted up her pale features I laid my hand softly on her shoulder She
started it was only a passing dream I leant forward again She screamed and
woke
One motion of my hand and she would never again have uttered cry or sound
But I was startled and drew back Her eyes were fixed on mine I know not how
it was but they cowed and frightened me and I quailed beneath them She rose
from the bed still gazing fixedly and steadily on me I trembled the razor was
in my hand but I could not move She made towards the door As she neared it
she turned and withdrew her eyes from my face The spell was broken I bounded
forward and clutched her by the arm Uttering shriek upon shriek she sunk upon
the ground
Now I could have killed her without a struggle but the house was alarmed I
heard the tread of footsteps on the stairs I replaced the razor in its usual
drawer unfastened the door and called loudly for assistance
They came and raised her and placed her on the bed She lay bereft of
animation for hours and when life look and speech returned her senses had
deserted her and she raved wildly and furiously
Doctors were called in great men who rolled up to my door in easy
carriages with fine horses and gaudy servants They were at her bedside for
weeks They had a great meeting and consulted together in low and solemn voices
in another room One the cleverest and most celebrated among them took me
aside and bidding me prepare for the worst told me me the madman that my
wife was mad He stood close beside me at an open window his eyes looking in my
face and his hand laid upon my arm With one effort I could have hurled him
into the street beneath It would have been rare sport to have done it but my
secret was at stake and I let him go A few days after they told me I must
place her under some restraint I must provide a keeper for her I I went into
the open fields where none could hear me and laughed till the air resounded
with my shouts
She died next day The whiteheaded old man followed her to the grave and
the proud brothers dropped a tear over the insensible corpse of her whose
sufferings they had regarded in her lifetime with muscles of iron All this was
food for my secret mirth and I laughed behind the white handkerchief which I
held up to my face as we rode home till the tears came into my eyes
But though I had carried my object and killed her I was restless and
disturbed and I felt that before long my secret must be known I could not hide
the wild mirth and joy which boiled within me and made me when I was alone at
home jump up and beat my hands together and dance round and round and roar
aloud When I went out and saw the busy crowds hurrying about the streets or
to the theatre and heard the sound of music and beheld the people dancing I
felt such glee that I could have rushed among them and torn them to pieces
limb from limb and howled in transport But I ground my teeth and struck my
feet upon the floor and drove my sharp nails into my hands I kept it down and
no one knew I was a madman yet
I remember though its one of the last things I can remember for now I
mix up realities with my dreams and having so much to do and being always
hurried here have no time to separate the two from some strange confusion in
which they get involved I remember how I let it out at last Ha ha I think I
see their frightened looks now and feel the ease with which I flung them from
me and dashed my clenched fist into their white faces and then flew like the
wind and left them screaming and shouting far behind The strength of a giant
comes upon me when I think of it There see how this iron bar bends beneath my
furious wrench I could snap it like a twig only there are long galleries here
with many doors I dont think I could find my way along them and even if I
could I know there are iron gates below which they keep locked and barred They
know what a clever madman I have been and they are proud to have me here to
show
Let me see yes I had been out It was late at night when I reached home
and found the proudest of the three proud brothers waiting to see me urgent
business he said I recollect it well I hated that man with all a madmans
hate Many and many a time had my fingers longed to tear him They told me he
was there I ran swiftly upstairs He had a word to say to me I dismissed the
servants It was late and we were alone together for the first time
I kept my eyes carefully from him at first for I knew what he little
thought and I gloried in the knowledge that the light of madness gleamed
from them like fire We sat in silence for a few minutes He spoke at last My
recent dissipation and strange remarks made so soon after his sisters death
were an insult to her memory Coupling together many circumstances which had at
first escaped his observation he thought I had not treated her well He wished
to know whether he was right in inferring that I meant to cast a reproach upon
her memory and a disrespect upon her family It was due to the uniform he wore
to demand this explanation
This man had a commission in the army a commission purchased with my
money and his sisters misery This was the man who had been foremost in the
plot to ensnare me and grasp my wealth This was the man who had been the main
instrument in forcing his sister to wed me well knowing that her heart was
given to that puling boy Due to his uniform The livery of his degradation I
turned my eyes upon him I could not help it but I spoke not a word
I saw the sudden change that came upon him beneath my gaze He was a bold
man but the colour faded from his face and he drew back his chair I dragged
mine nearer to him and as I laughed I was very merry then I saw him
shudder I felt the madness rising within me He was afraid of me
You were very fond of your sister when she was alive I said Very
He looked uneasily round him and I saw his hand grasp the back of his
chair but he said nothing
You villain said I I found you out I discovered your hellish plots
against me I know her heart was fixed on some one else before you compelled her
to marry me I know it I know it
He jumped suddenly from his chair brandished it aloft and bid me stand
back for I took care to be getting closer to him all the time I spoke
I screamed rather than talked for I felt tumultuous passions eddying
through my veins and the old spirits whispering and taunting me to tear his
heart out
Damn you said I starting up and rushing upon him I killed her I am a
madman Down with you Blood blood I will have it
I turned aside with one blow the chair he hurled at me in his terror and
closed with him and with a heavy crash we rolled upon the floor together
It was a fine struggle that for he was a tall strong man fighting for his
life and I a powerful madman thirsting to destroy him I knew no strength
could equal mine and I was right Right again though a madman His struggles
grew fainter I knelt upon his chest and clasped his brawny throat firmly with
both hands His face grew purple his eyes were starting from his head and with
protruded tongue he seemed to mock me I squeezed the tighter
The door was suddenly burst open with a loud noise and a crowd of people
rushed forward crying aloud to each other to secure the madman
My secret was out and my only struggle now was for liberty and freedom I
gained my feet before a hand was on me threw myself among my assailants and
cleared my way with my strong arm as if I bore a hatchet in my hand and hewed
them down before me I gained the door dropped over the banisters and in an
instant was in the street
Straight and swift I ran and no one dared to stop me I heard the noise of
feet behind and redoubled my speed It grew fainter and fainter in the
distance and at length died away altogether but on I bounded through marsh
and rivulet over fence and wall with a wild shout which was taken up by the
strange beings that flocked around me on every side and swelled the sound till
it pierced the air I was borne upon the arms of demons who swept along upon the
wind and bore down bank and hedge before them and spun me round and round with
a rustle and a speed that made my head swim until at last they threw me from
them with a violent shock and I fell heavily upon the earth When I woke I
found myself here here in this gay cell where the sunlight seldom comes and
the moon steals in in rays which only serve to show the dark shadows about me
and that silent figure in its old corner When I lie awake I can sometimes hear
strange shrieks and cries from distant parts of this large place What they are
I know not but they neither come from that pale form nor does it regard them
For from the first shades of dusk till the earliest light of morning it still
stands motionless in the same place listening to the music of my iron chain
and watching my gambols on my straw bed«
At the end of the manuscript was written in another hand this note
The unhappy man whose ravings are recorded above was a melancholy instance
of the baneful results of energies misdirected in early life and excesses
prolonged until their consequences could never be repaired The thoughtless
riot dissipation and debauchery of his younger days produced fever and
delirium The first effects of the latter was the strange delusion founded upon
a wellknown medical theory strongly contended for by some and as strongly
contested by others that an hereditary madness existed in his family This
produced a settled gloom which in time developed a morbid insanity and finally
terminated in raving madness There is every reason to believe that the events
he detailed though distorted in the description by his diseased imagination
really happened It is only matter of wonder to those who were acquainted with
the vices of his early career that his passions when no longer controlled by
reason did not lead him to the commission of still more frightful deeds
Mr Pickwicks candle was just expiring in the socket as he concluded the
perusal of the old clergymans manuscript and when the light went suddenly out
without any previous flicker by way of warning it communicated a very
considerable start to his excited frame Hastily throwing off such articles of
clothing as he had put on when he rose from his uneasy bed and casting a
fearful glance around he once more scrambled hastily between the sheets and
soon fell fast asleep
The sun was shining brilliantly into his chamber when he awoke and the
morning was far advanced The gloom which had oppressed him on the previous
night had disappeared with the dark shadows which shrouded the landscape and
his thoughts and feelings were as light and gay as the morning itself After a
hearty breakfast the four gentlemen sallied forth to walk to Gravesend
followed by a man bearing the stone in its deal box They reached that town
about one oclock their luggage they had directed to be forwarded to the City
from Rochester and being fortunate enough to secure places on the outside of a
coach arrived in London in sound health and spirits on that same afternoon
The next three or four days were occupied with the preparations which were
necessary for their journey to the borough of Eatanswill As any reference to
that most important undertaking demands a separate chapter we may devote the
few lines which remain at the close of this to narrate with great brevity the
history of the antiquarian discovery
It appears from the Transactions of the Club then that Mr Pickwick
lectured upon the discovery at a General Club Meeting convened on the night
succeeding their return and entered into a variety of ingenious and erudite
speculations on the meaning of the inscription It also appears that a skilful
artist executed a faithful delineation of the curiosity which was engraven on
stone and presented to the Royal Antiquarian Society and other learned bodies
that heartburnings and jealousies without number were created by rival
controversies which were penned upon the subject and that Mr Pickwick himself
wrote a Pamphlet containing ninetysix pages of very small print and
twentyseven different readings of the inscription That three old gentlemen cut
off their eldest sons with a shilling apiece for presuming to doubt the
antiquity of the fragment and that one enthusiastic individual cut himself off
prematurely in despair at being unable to fathom its meaning That Mr Pickwick
was elected an honorary member of seventeen native and foreign societies for
making the discovery that none of the seventeen could make anything of it but
that all the seventeen agreed it was very extraordinary
Mr Blotton indeed and the name will be doomed to the undying contempt of
those who cultivate the mysterious and the sublime Mr Blotton we say, with
the doubt and cavilling peculiar to vulgar minds presumed to state a view of
the case as degrading as ridiculous Mr Blotton with a mean desire to tarnish
the lustre of the immortal name of Pickwick actually undertook a journey to
Cobham in person and on his return sarcastically observed in an oration at the
club that he had seen the man from whom the stone was purchased that the man
presumed the stone to be ancient but solemnly denied the antiquity of the
inscription inasmuch as he represented it to have been rudely carved by
himself in an idle mood and to display letters intended to bear neither more
nor less than the simple construction of BILL STUMPS HIS MARK and that Mr
Stumps being little in the habit of original composition and more accustomed
to be guided by the sound of words than by the strict rules of orthography had
omitted the concluding L of his christian name
The Pickwick Club as might have been expected from so enlightened an
Institution received this statement with the contempt it deserved expelled the
presumptuous and illconditioned Blotton and voted Mr Pickwick a pair of gold
spectacles in token of their confidence and approbation in return for which
Mr Pickwick caused a portrait of himself to be painted and hung up in the club
room
Mr Blotton though ejected was not conquered He also wrote a pamphlet
addressed to the seventeen learned societies native and foreign containing a
repetition of the statement he had already made and rather more than half
intimating his opinion that the seventeen learned societies were so many
humbugs Hereupon the virtuous indignation of the seventeen learned societies
native and foreign being roused several fresh pamphlets appeared the foreign
learned societies corresponded with the native learned societies the native
learned societies translated the pamphlets of the foreign learned societies into
English the foreign learned societies translated the pamphlets of the native
learned societies into all sorts of languages and thus commenced that
celebrated scientific discussion so well known to all men as the Pickwick
controversy
But this base attempt to injure Mr Pickwick recoiled upon the head of its
calumnious author The seventeen learned societies unanimously voted the
presumptuous Blotton an ignorant meddler and forthwith set to work upon more
treatises than ever And to this day the stone remains an illegible monument of
Mr Pickwicks greatness and a lasting trophy to the littleness of his enemies
Chapter XII
Descriptive of a Very Important Proceeding on the Part of Mr Pickwick No Less
an Epoch in His Life Than in This History
Mr Pickwicks apartments in Goswell Street although on a limited scale were
not only of a very neat and comfortable description but peculiarly adapted for
the residence of a man of his genius and observation His sittingroom was the
first floor front his bedroom the second floor front and thus whether he
were sitting at his desk in his parlour or standing before the dressingglass
in his dormitory he had an equal opportunity of contemplating human nature in
all the numerous phases it exhibits in that not more populous than popular
thoroughfare His landlady Mrs Bardell the relict and sole executrix of a
deceased customhouse officer was a comely woman of bustling manners and
agreeable appearance with a natural genius for cooking improved by study and
long practice into an exquisite talent There were no children no servants no
fowls The only other inmates of the house were a large man and a small boy the
first a lodger the second a production of Mrs Bardells The large man was
always home precisely at ten oclock at night at which hour he regularly
condensed himself into the limits of a dwarfish French bedstead in the back
parlour and the infantine sports and gymnastic exercises of Master Bardell were
exclusively confined to the neighbouring pavements and gutters Cleanliness and
quiet reigned throughout the house and in it Mr Pickwicks will was law
To any one acquainted with these points of the domestic economy of the
establishment and conversant with the admirable regulation of Mr Pickwicks
mind his appearance and behaviour on the morning previous to that which had
been fixed upon for the journey to Eatanswill would have been most mysterious
and unaccountable He paced the room to and fro with hurried steps popped his
head out of the window at intervals of about three minutes each constantly
referred to his watch and exhibited many other manifestations of impatience
very unusual with him It was evident that something of great importance was in
contemplation but what that something was not even Mrs Bardell herself had
been enabled to discover
»Mrs Bardell« said Mr Pickwick at last as that amiable female
approached the termination of a prolonged dusting of the apartment
»Sir« said Mrs Bardell
»Your little boy is a very long time gone«
»Why its a good long way to the Borough sir« remonstrated Mrs Bardell
»Ah« said Mr Pickwick »very true so it is«
Mr Pickwick relapsed into silence and Mrs Bardell resumed her dusting
»Mrs Bardell« said Mr Pickwick at the expiration of a few minutes
»Sir« said Mrs Bardell again
»Do you think it a much greater expense to keep two people than to keep
one«
»La Mr Pickwick« said Mrs Bardell colouring up to the very border of
her cap as she fancied she observed a species of matrimonial twinkle in the
eyes of her lodger »La Mr Pickwick what a question«
»Well but do you« inquired Mr Pickwick
»That depends « said Mrs Bardell approaching the duster very near to Mr
Pickwicks elbow which was planted on the table »that depends a good deal
upon the person you know Mr Pickwick and whether its a saving and careful
person sir«
»Thats very true« said Mr Pickwick »but the person I have in my eye
here he looked very hard at Mrs Bardell I think possesses these qualities
and has moreover a considerable knowledge of the world and a great deal of
sharpness Mrs Bardell which may be of material use to me«
»La Mr Pickwick« said Mrs Bardell the crimson rising to her capborder
again
»I do« said Mr Pickwick growing energetic as was his wont in speaking of
a subject which interested him »I do indeed and to tell you the truth Mrs
Bardell I have made up my mind«
»Dear me sir« exclaimed Mrs Bardell
»Youll think it very strange now« said the amiable Mr Pickwick with a
goodhumoured glance at his companion »that I never consulted you about this
matter and never even mentioned it till I sent your little boy out this
morning eh«
Mrs Bardell could only reply by a look She had long worshipped Mr
Pickwick at a distance but here she was all at once raised to a pinnacle to
which her wildest and most extravagant hopes had never dared to aspire Mr
Pickwick was going to propose a deliberate plan too sent her little boy to
the Borough to get him out of the way how thoughtful how considerate
»Well« said Mr Pickwick »what do you think«
»Oh Mr Pickwick« said Mrs Bardell trembling with agitation »youre
very kind sir«
»Itll save you a good deal of trouble wont it« said Mr Pickwick
»Oh I never thought anything of the trouble sir« replied Mrs Bardell
»and of course I should take more trouble to please you then than ever but
it is so kind of you Mr Pickwick to have so much consideration for my
loneliness«
»Ah to be sure« said Mr Pickwick »I never thought of that When I am in
town youll always have somebody to sit with you To be sure so you will«
»Im sure I ought to be a very happy woman« said Mrs Bardell
»And your little boy « said Mr Pickwick
»Bless his heart« interposed Mrs Bardell with a maternal sob
»He too will have a companion« resumed Mr Pickwick »a lively one
wholl teach him Ill be bound more tricks in a week than he would ever learn
in a year« And Mr Pickwick smiled placidly
»Oh you dear « said Mrs Bardell
Mr Pickwick started
»Oh you kind good playful dear« said Mrs Bardell and without more ado
she rose from her chair and flung her arms round Mr Pickwicks neck with a
cataract of tears and a chorus of sobs
»Bless my soul« cried the astonished Mr Pickwick »Mrs Bardell my good
woman dear me what a situation pray consider Mrs Bardell dont if
anybody should come «
»Oh let them come« exclaimed Mrs Bardell frantically »Ill never leave
you dear kind good soul« and with these words Mrs Bardell clung the
tighter
»Mercy upon me« said Mr Pickwick struggling violently »I hear somebody
coming up the stairs Dont dont theres a good creature dont« But
entreaty and remonstrance were alike unavailing for Mrs Bardell had fainted in
Mr Pickwicks arms and before he could gain time to deposit her on a chair
Master Bardell entered the room ushering in Mr Tupman Mr Winkle and Mr
Snodgrass
Mr Pickwick was struck motionless and speechless He stood with his lovely
burden in his arms gazing vacantly on the countenances of his friends without
the slightest attempt at recognition or explanation They in their turn stared
at him and Master Bardell in his turn stared at everybody
The astonishment of the Pickwickians was so absorbing and the perplexity of
Mr Pickwick was so extreme that they might have remained in exactly the same
relative situations until the suspended animation of the lady was restored had
it not been for a most beautiful and touching expression of filial affection on
the part of her youthful son Clad in a tight suit of corderoy spangled with
brass buttons of a very considerable size he at first stood at the door
astounded and uncertain but by degrees the impression that his mother must
have suffered some personal damage pervaded his partially developed mind and
considering Mr Pickwick as the aggressor he set up an appalling and
semiearthly kind of howling and butting forward with his head commenced
assailing that immortal gentleman about the back and legs with such blows and
pinches as the strength of his arm and the violence of his excitement allowed
»Take this little villain away« said the agonised Mr Pickwick »hes mad«
»What is the matter« said the three tonguetied Pickwickians
»I dont know« replied Mr Pickwick pettishly »Take away the boy« here
Mr Winkle carried the interesting boy screaming and struggling to the further
end of the apartment »Now help me lead this woman down stairs«
»Oh I am better now« said Mrs Bardell faintly
»Let me lead you down stairs« said the ever gallant Mr Tupman
»Thank you sir thank you« exclaimed Mrs Bardell hysterically And down
stairs she was led accordingly accompanied by her affectionate son
»I cannot conceive « said Mr Pickwick when his friend returned »I
cannot conceive what has been the matter with that woman I had merely announced
to her my intention of keeping a man servant when she fell into the
extraordinary paroxysm in which you found her Very extraordinary thing«
»Very« said his three friends
»Placed me in such an extremely awkward situation« continued Mr Pickwick
»Very« was the reply of his followers as they coughed slightly and looked
dubiously at each other
This behaviour was not lost upon Mr Pickwick He remarked their
incredulity They evidently suspected him
»There is a man in the passage now« said Mr Tupman
»Its the man I spoke to you about« said Mr Pickwick »I sent for him to
the Borough this morning Have the goodness to call him up Snodgrass«
Mr Snodgrass did as he was desired and Mr Samuel Weller forthwith
presented himself
»Oh you remember me I suppose« said Mr Pickwick
»I should think so« replied Sam with a patronising wink »Queer start that
ere but he was one too many for you warnt he Up to snuff and a pinch or two
over eh«
»Never mind that matter now« said Mr Pickwick hastily »I want to speak to
you about something else Sit down«
»Thankee sir« said Sam And down he sat without farther bidding having
previously deposited his old white hat on the landing outside the door »Tant a
werry good un to look at« said Sam »but its an astonishin un to wear and
afore the brim went it was a werry handsome tile Howsever its lighter
without it thats one thing and every hole lets in some air thats another
wentilation gossamer I calls it« On the delivery of this sentiment Mr Weller
smiled agreeably upon the assembled Pickwickians
»Now with regard to the matter on which I with the concurrence of these
gentlemen sent for you« said Mr Pickwick
»Thats the pint sir« interposed Sam »out vith it as the father said to
the child wen he swallowed a farden«
»We want to know in the first place« said Mr Pickwick »whether you have
any reason to be discontented with your present situation«
»Afore I answers that ere question genlmm« replied Mr Weller »I
should like to know in the first place whether youre a goin to purwide me
with a better«
A sunbeam of placid benevolence played on Mr Pickwicks features as he
said »I have half made up my mind to engage you myself«
»Have you though« said Sam
Mr Pickwick nodded in the affirmative
»Wages« inquired Sam
»Twelve pounds a year« replied Mr Pickwick
»Clothes«
»Two suits«
»Work«
»To attend upon me and travel about with me and these gentlemen here«
»Take the bill down« said Sam emphatically »Im let to a single
gentleman and the terms is agreed upon«
»You accept the situation« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Certnly« replied Sam »If the clothes fits me half as well as the place
theyll do«
»You can get a character of course« said Mr Pickwick
»Ask the landlady o the White Hart about that sir« replied Sam
»Can you come this evening«
»Ill get into the clothes this minute if theyre here« said Sam with
great alacrity
»Call at eight this evening« said Mr Pickwick »and if the inquiries are
satisfactory they shall be provided«
With the single exception of one amiable indiscretion in which an assistant
housemaid had equally participated the history of Mr Wellers conduct was so
very blameless that Mr Pickwick felt fully justified in closing the engagement
that very evening With the promptness and energy which characterised not only
the public proceedings but all the private actions of this extraordinary man
he at once led his new attendant to one of those convenient emporiums where
gentlemens new and secondhand clothes are provided and the troublesome and
inconvenient formality of measurement dispensed with and before night had
closed in Mr Weller was furnished with a grey coat with the PC button a
black hat with a cockade to it a pink striped waistcoat light breeches and
gaiters and a variety of other necessaries too numerous to recapitulate
»Well« said that suddenlytransformed individual as he took his seat on
the outside of the Eatanswill coach next morning »I wonder whether Im meant to
be a footman or a groom or a gamekeeper or a seedsman I looks like a sort of
compo of every one on em Never mind theres change of air plenty to see and
little to do and all this suits my complaint uncommon so long life to the
Pickvicks says I«
Chapter XIII
Some Account of Eatanswill of the State of Parties Therein and of the Election
of a Member To Serve in Parliament for That Ancient Loyal and Patriotic
Borough
We will frankly acknowledge that up to the period of our being first immersed
in the voluminous papers of the Pickwick Club we had never heard of Eatanswill
we will with equal candour admit that we have in vain searched for proof of the
actual existence of such a place at the present day Knowing the deep reliance
to be placed on every note and statement of Mr Pickwicks and not presuming to
set up our recollection against the recorded declarations of that great man we
have consulted every authority bearing upon the subject to which we could
possibly refer We have traced every name in schedules A and B, without meeting
with that of Eatanswill we have minutely examined every corner of the Pocket
County Maps issued for the benefit of society by our distinguished publishers
and the same result has attended our investigation We are therefore led to
believe that Mr Pickwick with that anxious desire to abstain from giving
offence to any and with those delicate feelings for which all who knew him well
know he was so eminently remarkable purposely substituted a fictitious
designation for the real name of the place in which his observations were made
We are confirmed in this belief by a little circumstance apparently slight and
trivial in itself, but when considered in this point of view not undeserving of
notice In Mr Pickwicks notebook we can just trace an entry of the fact
that the places of himself and followers were booked by the Norwich coach but
this entry was afterwards lined through as if for the purpose of concealing
even the direction in which the borough is situated We will not therefore
hazard a guess upon the subject but will at once proceed with this history
content with the materials which its characters have provided for us
It appears then that the Eatanswill people like the people of many other
small towns considered themselves of the utmost and most mighty importance and
that every man in Eatanswill conscious of the weight that attached to his
example felt himself bound to unite heart and soul with one of the two great
parties that divided the town the Blues and the Buffs Now the Blues lost no
opportunity of opposing the Buffs and the Buffs lost no opportunity of opposing
the Blues and the consequence was that whenever the Buffs and Blues met
together at public meeting TownHall fair or market disputes and high words
arose between them With these dissensions it is almost superfluous to say that
everything in Eatanswill was made a party question If the Buffs proposed to new
skylight the marketplace the Blues got up public meetings and denounced the
proceeding if the Blues proposed the erection of an additional pump in the High
Street the Buffs rose as one man and stood aghast at the enormity There were
Blue shops and Buff shops Blue inns and Buff inns there was a Blue aisle and
a Buff aisle in the very church itself
Of course it was essentially and indispensably necessary that each of these
powerful parties should have its chosen organ and representative and
accordingly there were two newspapers in the town the Eatanswill Gazette and
the Eatanswill Independent the former advocating Blue principles and the
latter conducted on grounds decidedly Buff Fine newspapers they were Such
leading articles and such spirited attacks »Our worthless contemporary the
Gazette« »That disgraceful and dastardly journal the Independent« »That
false and scurrilous print the Independent« »That vile and slanderous
calumniator the Gazette« these and other spiritstirring denunciations were
strewn plentifully over the columns of each in every number and excited
feelings of the most intense delight and indignation in the bosoms of the
townspeople
Mr Pickwick with his usual foresight and sagacity had chosen a peculiarly
desirable moment for his visit to the borough Never was such a contest known
The Honourable Samuel Slumkey of Slumkey Hall was the Blue candidate and
Horatio Fizkin Esq of Fizkin Lodge near Eatanswill had been prevailed upon
by his friends to stand forward on the Buff interest The Gazette warned the
electors of Eatanswill that the eyes not only of England but of the whole
civilised world were upon them and the Independent imperatively demanded to
know whether the constituency of Eatanswill were the grand fellows they had
always taken them for or base and servile tools undeserving alike the name of
Englishmen and the blessings of freedom Never had such a commotion agitated the
town before
It was late in the evening when Mr Pickwick and his companions assisted
by Sam dismounted from the roof of the Eatanswill coach Large blue silk flags
were flying from the windows of the Town Arms Inn and bills were posted in
every sash intimating in gigantic letters that the honourable Samuel
Slumkeys Committee sat there daily A crowd of idlers were assembled in the
road looking at a hoarse man in the balcony who was apparently talking himself
very red in the face in Mr Slumkeys behalf but the force and point of whose
arguments were somewhat impaired by the perpetual beating of four large drums
which Mr Fizkins committee had stationed at the street corner There was a
busy little man beside him though who took off his hat at intervals and
motioned to the people to cheer which they regularly did most
enthusiastically and as the redfaced gentleman went on talking till he was
redder in the face than ever it seemed to answer his purpose quite as well as
if anybody had heard him
The Pickwickians had no sooner dismounted than they were surrounded by a
branch mob of the honest and independent who forthwith set up three deafening
cheers which being responded to by the main body for its not at all necessary
for a crowd to know what they are cheering about swelled into a tremendous roar
of triumph which stopped even the redfaced man in the balcony
»Hurrah« shouted the mob in conclusion
»One cheer more« screamed the little fugleman in the balcony and out
shouted the mob again as if lungs were cast iron with steel works
»Slumkey for ever« roared the honest and independent
»Slumkey for ever« echoed Mr Pickwick taking off his hat
»No Fizkin« roared the crowd
»Certainly not« shouted Mr Pickwick
»Hurrah« And then there was another roaring like that of a whole menagerie
when the elephant has rung the bell for the cold meat
»Who is Slumkey« whispered Mr Tupman
»I dont know« replied Mr Pickwick in the same tone »Hush Dont ask any
questions Its always best on these occasions to do what the mob do«
»But suppose there are two mobs« suggested Mr Snodgrass
»Shout with the largest« replied Mr Pickwick
Volumes could not have said more
They entered the house the crowd opening right and left to let them pass
and cheering vociferously The first object of consideration was to secure
quarters for the night
»Can we have beds here« inquired Mr Pickwick summoning the waiter
»Dont know sir« replied the man »afraid were full sir Ill inquire
sir« Away he went for that purpose and presently returned to ask whether the
gentlemen were »Blue«
As neither Mr Pickwick nor his companions took any vital interest in the
cause of either candidate the question was rather a difficult one to answer In
this dilemma Mr Pickwick bethought himself of his new friend Mr Perker
»Do you know a gentleman of the name of Perker« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Certainly sir honourable Mr Samuel Slumkeys agent«
»He is Blue I think«
»Oh yes sir«
»Then we are Blue« said Mr Pickwick but observing that the man looked
rather doubtful at this accommodating announcement he gave him his card and
desired him to present it to Mr Perker forthwith if he should happen to be in
the house The waiter retired and reappearing almost immediately with a
request that Mr Pickwick would follow him led the way to a large room on the
first floor where seated at a long table covered with books and papers was
Mr Perker
»Ah ah my dear sir« said the little man advancing to meet him »very
happy to see you my dear sir very Pray sit down So you have carried your
intention into effect You have come down here to see an election eh«
Mr Pickwick replied in the affirmative
»Spirited contest my dear sir« said the little man
»I am delighted to hear it« said Mr Pickwick rubbing his hands »I like
to see sturdy patriotism on whatever side it is called forth and so its a
spirited contest«
»Oh yes« said the little man »very much so indeed We have opened all the
publichouses in the place and left our adversary nothing but the beershops
masterly stroke of policy that my dear sir eh« the little man smiled
complacently and took a large pinch of snuff
»And what are the probabilities as to the result of the contest« inquired
Mr Pickwick
»Why doubtful my dear sir rather doubtful as yet« replied the little man
»Fizkins people have got threeandthirty voters in the lockup coachhouse at
the White Hart«
»In the coachhouse« said Mr Pickwick considerably astonished by this
second stroke of policy
»They keep em locked up there till they want em« resumed the little man
»The effect of that is you see to prevent our getting at them and even if we
could it would be of no use for they keep them very drunk on purpose Smart
fellow Fizkins agent very smart fellow indeed«
Mr Pickwick stared but said nothing
»We are pretty confident though« said Mr Perker sinking his voice almost
to a whisper »We had a little teaparty here last night fiveandforty
women my dear sir and gave every one of em a green parasol when she went
away«
»A parasol« said Mr Pickwick
»Fact my dear sir fact Fiveandforty green parasols at seven and
sixpence apiece All women like finery extraordinary the effects of those
parasols Secured all their husbands and half their brothers beats stockings
and flannel and all that sort of thing hollow My idea my dear sir entirely
Hail rain or sunshine you cant walk half a dozen yards up the street
without encountering half a dozen green parasols«
Here the little man indulged in a convulsion of mirth which was only
checked by the entrance of a third party
This was a tall thin man with a sandycoloured head inclined to baldness
and a face in which solemn importance was blended with a look of unfathomable
profundity He was dressed in a long brown surtout with a black cloth
waistcoat and drab trousers A double eyeglass dangled at his waistcoat and
on his head he wore a very lowcrowned hat with a broad brim The newcomer was
introduced to Mr Pickwick as Mr Pott the editor of the Eatanswill Gazette
After a few preliminary remarks Mr Pott turned round to Mr Pickwick and said
with solemnity
»This contest excites great interest in the metropolis sir«
»I believe it does« said Mr Pickwick
»To which I have reason to know« said Pott looking towards Mr Perker for
corroboration »to which I have reason to know that my article of last
Saturday in some degree contributed«
»Not the least doubt of it« said the little man
»The press is a mighty engine sir« said Pott
Mr Pickwick yielded his fullest assent to the proposition.
»But I trust sir« said Pott »that I have never abused the enormous power
I wield I trust sir that I have never pointed the noble instrument which is
placed in my hands against the sacred bosom of private life or the tender
breast of individual reputation I trust sir that I have devoted my energies
to to endeavours humble they may be humble I know they are to instil
those principles of which are «
Here the editor of the Eatanswill Gazette appearing to ramble Mr Pickwick
came to his relief and said
»Certainly«
»And what sir« said Pott »what sir let me ask you as an impartial
man is the state of the public mind in London with reference to my contest
with the Independent«
»Greatly excited no doubt« interposed Mr Perker with a look of slyness
which was very likely accidental
»The contest« said Pott »shall be prolonged so long as I have health and
strength and that portion of talent with which I am gifted From that contest
sir although it may unsettle mens minds and excite their feelings and render
them incapable for the discharge of the everyday duties of ordinary life from
that contest sir I will never shrink till I have set my heel upon the
Eatanswill Independent I wish the people of London and the people of this
country to know sir that they may rely upon me that I will not desert them
that I am resolved to stand by them sir to the last«
»Your conduct is most noble sir« said Mr Pickwick and he grasped the
hand of the magnanimous Pott
»You are sir I perceive a man of sense and talent« said Mr Pott almost
breathless with the vehemence of his patriotic declaration »I am most happy
sir to make the acquaintance of such a man«
»And I« said Mr Pickwick »feel deeply honoured by this expression of your
opinion Allow me sir to introduce you to my fellowtravellers the other
corresponding members of the club I am proud to have founded«
»I shall be delighted« said Mr Pott
Mr Pickwick withdrew and returning with his friends presented them in due
form to the editor of the Eatanswill Gazette
»Now my dear Pott« said little Mr Perker »the question is what are we
to do with our friends here«
»We can stop in this house I suppose« said Mr Pickwick
»Not a spare bed in the house my dear sir not a single bed«
»Extremely awkward« said Mr Pickwick
»Very« said his fellowvoyagers
»I have an idea upon this subject« said Mr Pott »which I think may be
very successfully adopted They have two beds at the Peacock and I can boldly
say on behalf of Mrs Pott that she will be delighted to accommodate Mr
Pickwick and any of his friends if the other two gentlemen and their servant do
not object to shifting as they best can at the Peacock«
After repeated pressings on the part of Mr Pott and repeated protestations
on that of Mr Pickwick that he could not think of incommoding or troubling his
amiable wife it was decided that it was the only feasible arrangement that
could be made So it was made and after dining together at the Town Arms the
friends separated Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass repairing to the Peacock and
Mr Pickwick and Mr Winkle proceeding to the mansion of Mr Pott it having
been previously arranged that they should all reassemble at the Town Arms in
the morning and accompany the honourable Samuel Slumkeys procession to the
place of nomination
Mr Potts domestic circle was limited to himself and his wife All men whom
mighty genius has raised to a proud eminence in the world have usually some
little weakness which appears the more conspicuous from the contrast it presents
to their general character If Mr Pott had a weakness it was perhaps that he
was rather too submissive to the somewhat contemptuous control and sway of his
wife We do not feel justified in laying any particular stress upon the fact
because on the present occasion all Mrs Potts most winning ways were brought
into requisition to receive the two gentlemen
»My dear« said Mr Pott »Mr Pickwick Mr Pickwick of London«
Mrs Pott received Mr Pickwicks paternal grasp of the hand with enchanting
sweetness and Mr Winkle who had not been announced at all slided and bowed
unnoticed in an obscure corner
»P my dear « said Mrs Pott
»My life« said Mr Pott
»Pray introduce the other gentleman«
»I beg a thousand pardons« said Mr Pott »Permit me Mrs Pott Mr «
»Winkle« said Mr Pickwick
»Winkle« echoed Mr Pott and the ceremony of introduction was complete
»We owe you many apologies maam« said Mr Pickwick »for disturbing your
domestic arrangements at so short a notice«
»I beg you wont mention it sir« replied the feminine Pott with vivacity
»It is a high treat to me I assure you to see any new faces living as I do
from day to day and week to week in this dull place and seeing nobody«
»Nobody my dear« exclaimed Mr Pott archly
»Nobody but you« retorted Mrs Pott with asperity
»You see Mr Pickwick« said the host in explanation of his wifes lament
»that we are in some measure cut off from many enjoyments and pleasures of which
we might otherwise partake My public station as editor of the Eatanswill
Gazette the position which that paper holds in the country my constant
immersion in the vortex of politics «
»P my dear « interposed Mrs Pott
»My life « said the editor
»I wish my dear you would endeavour to find some topic of conversation in
which these gentlemen might take some rational interest«
»But my love« said Mr Pott with great humility »Mr Pickwick does take
an interest in it«
»Its well for him if he can« said Mrs Pott emphatically »I am wearied
out of my life with your politics and quarrels with the Independent and
nonsense I am quite astonished P at your making such an exhibition of your
absurdity«
»But my dear « said Mr Pott
»Oh nonsense dont talk to me« said Mrs Pott »Do you play ecarté sir«
»I shall be very happy to learn under your tuition« replied Mr Winkle
»Well then draw that little table into this window and let me get out of
hearing of those prosy politics«
»Jane« said Mr Pott to the servant who brought in candles »go down into
the office and bring me up the file of the Gazette for Eighteen Hundred and
Twenty Eight Ill read you « added the editor turning to Mr Pickwick »Ill
just read you a few of the leaders I wrote at that time upon the Buff job of
appointing a new tollman to the turnpike here I rather think theyll amuse
you«
»I should like to hear them very much indeed« said Mr Pickwick
Up came the file and down sat the editor with Mr Pickwick at his side
We have in vain pored over the leaves of Mr Pickwicks notebook in the
hope of meeting with a general summary of these beautiful compositions We have
every reason to believe that he was perfectly enraptured with the vigour and
freshness of the style indeed Mr Winkle has recorded the fact that his eyes
were closed as if with excess of pleasure during the whole time of their
perusal
The announcement of supper put a stop to the game at ecarté and the
recapitulation of the beauties of the Eatanswill Gazette Mrs Pott was in the
highest spirits and the most agreeable humour Mr Winkle had already made
considerable progress in her good opinion and she did not hesitate to inform
him confidentially that Mr Pickwick was »a delightful old dear« These terms
convey a familiarity of expression in which few of those who were intimately
acquainted with that colossalminded man would have presumed to indulge We
have preserved them nevertheless as affording at once a touching and a
convincing proof of the estimation in which he was held by every class of
society and the ease with which he made his way to their hearts and feelings
It was a late hour of the night long after Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass
had fallen asleep in the inmost recesses of the Peacock when the two friends
retired to rest Slumber soon fell upon the senses of Mr Winkle but his
feelings had been excited and his admiration roused and for many hours after
sleep had rendered him insensible to earthly objects the face and figure of the
agreeable Mrs Pott presented themselves again and again to his wandering
imagination
The noise and bustle which ushered in the morning were sufficient to dispel
from the mind of the most romantic visionary in existence any associations but
those which were immediately connected with the rapidlyapproaching election
The beating of drums the blowing of horns and trumpets the shouting of men
and tramping of horses echoed and reechoed through the streets from the
earliest dawn of day and an occasional fight between the light skirmishers of
either party at once enlivened the preparations and agreeably diversified their
character
»Well Sam« said Mr Pickwick as his valet appeared at his bedroom door
just as he was concluding his toilet »all alive today I suppose«
»Reglar game sir« replied Mr Weller »our peoples a collecting down at
the Town Arms and theyre a hollering themselves hoarse already«
»Ah« said Mr Pickwick »do they seem devoted to their party Sam«
»Never see such dewotion in my life sir«
»Energetic eh« said Mr Pickwick
»Uncommon« replied Sam »I never see men eat and drink so much afore I
wonder they ant afeerd o bustin«
»Thats the mistaken kindness of the gentry here« said Mr Pickwick
»Wery likely« replied Sam briefly
»Fine fresh hearty fellows they seem« said Mr Pickwick glancing from
the window
»Wery fresh« replied Sam »me and the two waiters at the Peacock has been
a pumpin over the independent woters as supped there last night«
»Pumping over independent voters« exclaimed Mr Pickwick
»Yes« said his attendant »every man slept vere he fell down we dragged
em out one by one this mornin and put em under the pump and theyre in
reglar fine order now Shillin a head the committee paid for that ere job«
»Can such things be« exclaimed the astonished Mr Pickwick
»Lord bless your heart sir« said Sam »why where was you half baptized
thats nothin that ant«
»Nothing« said Mr Pickwick
»Nothin at all sir« replied his attendant »The night afore the last day
o the last election here the opposite party bribed the barmaid at the Town
Arms to hocus the brandy and water of fourteen unpolled electors as was a
stoppin in the house«
»What do you mean by hocussing brandy and water« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Puttin laudnum in it« replied Sam »Blessed if she didnt send em all
to sleep till twelve hours arter the election was over They took one man up to
the booth in a truck fast asleep by way of experiment but it was no go
they wouldnt poll him so they brought him back and put him to bed again«
»Strange practices these« said Mr Pickwick half speaking to himself and
half addressing Sam
»Not half so strange as a miraculous circumstance as happened to my own
father at an election time in this werry place sir« replied Sam
»What was that« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Why he drove a coach down here once« said Sam »lection time came on and
he was engaged by vun party to bring down woters from London Night afore he was
a going to drive up committee on tother side sends for him quietly and away
he goes vith the messenger who shows him in large room lots of genlmn
heaps of papers pens and ink and all that ere Ah Mr Weller says the
genlmn in the chair glad to see you sir how are you Werry well
thankee sir says my father I hope youre pretty middlin says he Pretty
well thankee sir says the genlmn sit down Mr Weller pray sit down
sir So my father sits down and he and the genlmn looks werry hard at each
other You dont remember me says the genlmn Cant say I do says my
father Oh I know you says the genlmn knowd you when you was a boy says
he Well I dont remember you says my father Thats very odd says the
genlmn Werry says my father You must have a bad memry Mr Weller says
the genlmn Well it is a wery bad un says my father I thought so says
the genlmn So then they pours him out a glass of wine and gammons him about
his driving and gets him into a reglar good humour and at last shoves a
twenty pound note in his hand Its a werry bad road between this and London
says the genlmn Here and there it is a heavy road says my father
Specially near the canal I think says the genlmn Nasty bit that ere
says my father Well Mr Weller says the genlmn youre a wery good whip
and can do what you like with your horses we know Were all wery fond o you
Mr Weller so in case you should have an accident when youre a bringing these
here woters down and should tip em over into the canal vithout hurtin of em
this is for yourself says he Genlmn youre wery kind says my father and
Ill drink your health in another glass of wine says he which he did and then
buttons up the money and bows himself out You wouldnt believe sir«
continued Sam with a look of inexpressible impudence at his master »that on
the wery day as he came down with them woters his coach was upset on that ere
wery spot and evry man on em was turned into the canal«
»And got out again« inquired Mr Pickwick hastily
»Why« replied Sam very slowly »I rather think one old genlmn was
missin I know his hat was found but I ant quite certain whether his head
was in it or not But what I look at is the hextraordinary and wonderful
coincidence that arter what that genlmn said my fathers coach should be
upset in that wery place and on that wery day«
»It is no doubt a very extraordinary circumstance indeed« said Mr
Pickwick »But brush my hat Sam for I hear Mr Winkle calling me to
breakfast«
With these words Mr Pickwick descended to the parlour where he found
breakfast laid and the family already assembled The meal was hastily
despatched each of the gentlemens hats was decorated with an enormous blue
favour made up by the fair hands of Mrs Pott herself and as Mr Winkle had
undertaken to escort that lady to a housetop in the immediate vicinity of the
hustings Mr Pickwick and Mr Pott repaired alone to the Town Arms from the
back window of which one of Mr Slumkeys committee was addressing six small
boys and one girl whom he dignified at every second sentence with the
imposing title of »men of Eatanswill« whereat the six small boys aforesaid
cheered prodigiously
The stableyard exhibited unequivocal symptoms of the glory and strength of
the Eatanswill Blues There was a regular army of blue flags some with one
handle and some with two exhibiting appropriate devices in golden characters
four feet high and stout in proportion There was a grand band of trumpets
bassoons and drums marshalled four abreast and earning their money if ever
men did especially the drum beaters who were very muscular There were bodies
of constables with blue staves twenty committeemen with blue scarfs and a mob
of voters with blue cockades There were electors on horseback and electors
afoot There was an open carriage and four for the honourable Samuel Slumkey
and there were four carriages and pair for his friends and supporters and the
flags were rustling and the band was playing and the constables were swearing
and the twenty committeemen were squabbling and the mob were shouting and the
horses were backing and the postboys perspiring and everybody and
everything then and there assembled was for the special use behoof honour
and renown of the honourable Samuel Slumkey of Slumkey Hall one of the
candidates for the representation of the Borough of Eatanswill in the Commons
House of Parliament of the United Kingdom
Loud and long were the cheers and mighty was the rustling of one of the
blue flags with »Liberty of the Press« inscribed thereon when the sandy head
of Mr Pott was discerned in one of the windows by the mob beneath and
tremendous was the enthusiasm when the honourable Samuel Slumkey himself in
topboots and a blue neckerchief advanced and seized the hand of the said
Pott and melodramatically testified by gestures to the crowd his ineffaceable
obligations to the Eatanswill Gazette
»Is everything ready« said the honourable Samuel Slumkey to Mr Perker
»Everything my dear sir« was the little mans reply
»Nothing has been omitted I hope« said the honourable Samuel Slumkey
»Nothing has been left undone my dear sir nothing whatever There are
twenty washed men at the street door for you to shake hands with and six
children in arms that youre to pat on the head and inquire the age of be
particular about the children my dear sir it has always a great effect that
sort of thing«
»Ill take care« said the honourable Samuel Slumkey
»And perhaps my dear sir « said the cautious little man »perhaps if you
could I dont mean to say its indispensable but if you could manage to kiss
one of em it would produce a very great impression on the crowd«
»Wouldnt it have as good an effect if the proposer or seconder did that«
said the honourable Samuel Slumkey
»Why I am afraid it wouldnt« replied the agent »if it were done by
yourself my dear sir I think it would make you very popular«
»Very well« said the honourable Samuel Slumkey with a resigned air »then
it must be done Thats all«
»Arrange the procession« cried the twenty committeemen
Amidst the cheers of the assembled throng the hand and the constables and
the committeemen and the voters and the horsemen and the carriages took
their places each of the twohorse vehicles being closely packed with as many
gentlemen as could manage to stand upright in it and that assigned to Mr
Perker containing Mr Pickwick Mr Tupman Mr Snodgrass and about half a
dozen of the committee beside
There was a moment of awful suspense as the procession waited for the
honourable Samuel Slumkey to step into his carriage Suddenly the crowd set up a
great cheering
»He has come out« said little Mr Perker greatly excited the more so as
their position did not enable them to see what was going forward
Another cheer much louder
»He has shaken hands with the men« cried the little agent
Another cheer far more vehement
»He has patted the babies on the head« said Mr Perker trembling with
anxiety
A roar of applause that rent the air
»He has kissed one of em« exclaimed the delighted little man
A second roar
»He has kissed another« gasped the excited manager
A third roar
»Hes kissing em all« screamed the enthusiastic little gentleman And
hailed by the deafening shouts of the multitude the procession moved on
How or by what means it became mixed up with the other procession and how
it was ever extricated from the confusion consequent thereupon is more than we
can undertake to describe inasmuch as Mr Pickwicks hat was knocked over his
eyes nose and mouth by one poke of a Buff flagstaff very early in the
proceedings He describes himself as being surrounded on every side when he
could catch a glimpse of the scene by angry and ferocious countenances by a
vast cloud of dust and by a dense crowd of combatants He represents himself as
being forced from the carriage by some unseen power and being personally
engaged in a pugilistic encounter but with whom or how or why he is wholly
unable to state He then felt himself forced up some wooden steps by the persons
from behind and on removing his hat found himself surrounded by his friends
in the very front of the left hand side of the hustings The right was reserved
for the Buff party and the centre for the Mayor and his officers one of whom
the fat crier of Eatanswill was ringing an enormous bell by way of commanding
silence while Mr Horatio Fizkin and the honourable Samuel Slumkey with their
hands upon their hearts were bowing with the utmost affability to the troubled
sea of heads that inundated the open space in front and from whence arose a
storm of groans and shouts and yells and hootings that would have done
honour to an earthquake
»Theres Winkle« said Mr Tupman pulling his friend by the sleeve
»Where« said Mr Pickwick putting on his spectacles which he had
fortunately kept in his pocket hitherto
»There« said Mr Tupman »on the top of that house« And there sure
enough in the leaden gutter of a tiled roof were Mr Winkle and Mrs Pott
comfortably seated in a couple of chairs waving their handkerchiefs in token of
recognition a compliment which Mr Pickwick returned by kissing his hand to
the lady
The proceedings had not yet commenced and as an inactive crowd is generally
disposed to be jocose this very innocent action was sufficient to awaken their
facetiousness
»Oh you wicked old rascal« cried one voice »looking arter the girls are
you«
»Oh you wenerable sinner« cried another
»Putting on his spectacles to look at a married ooman« said a third
»I see him a winkin at her with his wicked old eye« shouted a fourth
»Look arter your wife Pott« bellowed a fifth and then there was a roar
of laughter
As these taunts were accompanied with invidious comparisons between Mr
Pickwick and an aged ram and several witticisms of the like nature and as they
moreover rather tended to convey reflections upon the honour of an innocent
lady Mr Pickwicks indignation was excessive but as silence was proclaimed at
the moment he contented himself by scorching the mob with a look of pity for
their misguided minds at which they laughed more boisterously than ever
»Silence« roared the mayors attendants
»Whiffin proclaim silence« said the mayor with an air of pomp befitting
his lofty station In obedience to this command the crier performed another
concerto on the bell whereupon a gentleman in the crowd called out »muffins«
which occasioned another laugh
»Gentlemen« said the Mayor at as loud a pitch as he could possibly force
his voice to »Gentlemen Brother electors of the Borough of Eatanswill We are
met here today for the purpose of choosing a representative in the room of our
late «
Here the Mayor was interrupted by a voice in the crowd
»Success to the Mayor« cried the voice »and may he never desert the nail
and sarspan business as he got his money by«
This allusion to the professional pursuits of the orator was received with a
storm of delight which with a bellaccompaniment rendered the remainder of
his speech inaudible with the exception of the concluding sentence in which he
thanked the meeting for the patient attention with which they had heard him
throughout an expression of gratitude which elicited another burst of mirth
of about a quarter of an hours duration
Next a tall thin gentleman in a very stiff white neckerchief after being
repeatedly desired by the crowd to »send a boy home to ask whether he hadnt
left his woice under the pillow« begged to nominate a fit and proper person to
represent them in Parliament And when he said it was Horatio Fizkin Esquire
of Fizkin Lodge near Eatanswill the Fizkinites applauded and the Slumkeyites
groaned so long and so loudly that both he and the seconder might have sung
comic songs in lieu of speaking without anybodys being a bit the wiser
The friends of Horatio Fizkin Esquire having had their innings a little
choleric pinkfaced man stood forward to propose another fit and proper person
to represent the electors of Eatanswill in Parliament and very swimmingly the
pinkfaced gentleman would have gone on if he had not been rather too choleric
to entertain a sufficient perception of the fun of the crowd But after a very
few sentences of figurative eloquence the pinkfaced gentleman got from
denouncing those who interrupted him in the mob to exchanging defiances with
the gentlemen on the hustings whereupon arose an uproar which reduced him to
the necessity of expressing his feelings by serious pantomime which he did and
then left the stage to his seconder who delivered a written speech of half an
hours length and wouldnt be stopped because he had sent it all to the
Eatanswill Gazette and the Eatanswill Gazette had already printed it every
word
Then Horatio Fizkin Esquire of Fizkin Lodge near Eatanswill presented
himself for the purpose of addressing the electors which he no sooner did than
the band employed by the honourable Samuel Slumkey commenced performing with a
power to which their strength in the morning was a trifle in return for which
the Buff crowd belaboured the heads and shoulders of the Blue crowd on which
the Blue crowd endeavoured to dispossess themselves of their very unpleasant
neighbours the Buff crowd and a scene of struggling and pushing and fighting
succeeded to which we can no more do justice than the Mayor could although he
issued imperative orders to twelve constables to seize the ringleaders who
might amount in number to two hundred and fifty or thereabouts At all these
encounters Horatio Fizkin Esquire of Fizkin Lodge and his friends waxed
fierce and furious until at last Horatio Fizkin Esquire of Fizkin Lodge
begged to ask his opponent the honourable Samuel Slumkey of Slumkey Hall
whether that band played by his consent which question the honourable Samuel
Slumkey declining to answer Horatio Fizkin Esquire of Fizkin Lodge shook his
fist in the countenance of the honourable Samuel Slumkey of Slumkey Hall upon
which the honourable Samuel Slumkey his blood being up defied Horatio Fizkin
Esquire to mortal combat At this violation of all known rules and precedents
of order the Mayor commanded another fantasia on the bell and declared that he
would bring before himself both Horatio Fizkin Esquire of Fizkin Lodge and
the honourable Samuel Slumkey of Slumkey Hall and bind them over to keep the
peace Upon this terrific denunciation the supporters of the two candidates
interfered and after the friends of each party had quarrelled in pairs for
threequarters of an hour Horatio Fizkin Esquire touched his hat to the
honourable Samuel Slumkey the honourable Samuel Slumkey touched his to Horatio
Fizkin Esquire the band was stopped the crowd were partially quieted and
Horatio Fizkin Esquire was permitted to proceed
The speeches of the two candidates though differing in every other respect
afforded a beautiful tribute to the merit and high worth of the electors of
Eatanswill Both expressed their opinion that a more independent a more
enlightened a more publicspirited a more nobleminded a more disinterested
set of men than those who had promised to vote for him never existed on earth
each darkly hinted his suspicions that the electors in the opposite interest had
certain swinish and besotted infirmities which rendered them unfit for the
exercise of the important duties they were called upon to discharge Fizkin
expressed his readiness to do anything he was wanted Slumkey his determination
to do nothing that was asked of him Both said that the trade the manufactures
the commerce the prosperity of Eatanswill would ever be dearer to their hearts
than any earthly object and each had it in his power to state with the utmost
confidence that he was the man who would eventually be returned
There was a show of hands the Mayor decided in favour of the honourable
Samuel Slumkey of Slumkey Hall Horatio Fizkin Esquire of Fizkin Lodge
demanded a poll and a poll was fixed accordingly Then a vote of thanks was
moved to the Mayor for his able conduct in the chair and the Mayor devoutly
wishing that he had had a chair to display his able conduct in for he had been
standing during the whole proceedings returned thanks The processions
reformed the carriages rolled slowly through the crowd and its members
screeched and shouted after them as their feelings or caprice dictated
During the whole time of the polling the town was in a perpetual fever of
excitement Everything was conducted on the most liberal and delightful scale
Exciseable articles were remarkably cheap at all the publichouses and spring
vans paraded the streets for the accommodation of voters who were seized with
any temporary dizziness in the head an epidemic which prevailed among the
electors during the contest to a most alarming extent and under the influence
of which they might frequently be seen lying on the pavements in a state of
utter insensibility A small body of electors remained unpolled on the very last
day They were calculating and reflecting persons who had not yet been
convinced by the arguments of either party although they had had frequent
conferences with each One hour before the close of the poll Mr Perker
solicited the honour of a private interview with these intelligent these noble
these patriotic men It was granted His arguments were brief but satisfactory
They went in a body to the poll and when they returned the honourable Samuel
Slumkey of Slumkey Hall was returned also
Chapter XIV
Comprising a Brief Description of the Company at the Peacock Assembled and a
Tale Told by a Bagman
It is pleasant to turn from contemplating the strife and turmoil of political
existence to the peaceful repose of private life Although in reality no great
partisan of either side Mr Pickwick was sufficiently fired with Mr Potts
enthusiasm to apply his whole time and attention to the proceedings of which
the last chapter affords a description compiled from his own memoranda Nor
while he was thus occupied was Mr Winkle idle his whole time being devoted to
pleasant walks and short country excursions with Mrs Pott who never failed
when such an opportunity presented itself to seek some relief from the tedious
monotony she so constantly complained of The two gentlemen being thus
completely domesticated in the Editors house Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass were
in a great measure cast upon their own resources Taking but little interest in
public affairs they beguiled their time chiefly with such amusements as the
Peacock afforded which were limited to a bagatelleboard in the first floor
and a sequestered skittleground in the back yard In the science and nicety of
both these recreations which are far more abstruse than ordinary men suppose
they were gradually initiated by Mr Weller who possessed a perfect knowledge
of such pastimes Thus notwithstanding that they were in a great measure
deprived of the comfort and advantage of Mr Pickwicks society they were still
enabled to beguile the time and to prevent its hanging heavily on their hands
It was in the evening however that the Peacock presented attractions which
enabled the two friends to resist even the invitations of the gifted though
prosy Pott It was in the evening that the commercial room was filled with a
social circle whose characters and manners it was the delight of Mr Tupman to
observe whose sayings and doings it was the habit of Mr Snodgrass to note
down
Most people know what sort of places commercial rooms usually are That of
the Peacock differed in no material respect from the generality of such
apartments that is to say it was a large barelooking room the furniture of
which had no doubt been better when it was newer with a spacious table in the
centre and a variety of smaller dittos in the corners an extensive assortment
of variously shaped chairs and an old Turkey carpet bearing about the same
relative proportion to the size of the room as a ladys pockethandkerchief
might to the floor of a watchbox The walls were garnished with one or two
large maps and several weatherbeaten rough great coats with complicated
capes dangled from a long row of pegs in one corner The mantelshelf was
ornamented with a wooden inkstand containing one stump of a pen and half a
wafer a roadbook and directory a county history minus the cover and the
mortal remains of a trout in a glass coffin The atmosphere was redolent of
tobaccosmoke the fumes of which had communicated a rather dingy hue to the
whole room and more especially to the dusty red curtains which shaded the
windows On the sideboard a variety of miscellaneous articles were huddled
together the most conspicuous of which were some very cloudy fishsauce cruets
a couple of drivingboxes two or three whips and as many travelling shawls a
tray of knives and forks and the mustard
Here it was that Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass were seated on the evening
after the conclusion of the election with several other temporary inmates of
the house smoking and drinking
»Well gents« said a stout hale personage of about forty with only one
eye a very bright black eye which twinkled with a roguish expression of fun
and good humour »our noble selves gents I always propose that toast to the
company and drink Mary to myself Eh Mary«
»Get along with you you wretch« said the handmaiden obviously not ill
pleased with the compliment however
»Dont go away Mary« said the blackeyed man
»Let me alone imperence« said the young lady
»Never mind« said the oneeyed man calling after the girl as she left the
room »Ill step out by and by Mary Keep your spirits up dear« Here he went
through the not very difficult process of winking upon the company with his
solitary eye to the enthusiastic delight of an elderly personage with a dirty
face and a clay pipe
»Rum creeters is women« said the dirtyfaced man after a pause
»Ah no mistake about that« said a very redfaced man behind a cigar
After this little bit of philosophy there was another pause
»Theres rummer things than women in this world though mind you« said the
man with the black eye slowly filling a large Dutch pipe with a most capacious
bowl
»Are you married« inquired the dirtyfaced man
»Cant say I am«
»I thought not« Here the dirtyfaced man fell into fits of mirth at his own
retort in which he was joined by a man of bland voice and placid countenance
who always made it a point to agree with everybody
»Women after all gentlemen« said the enthusiastic Mr Snodgrass »are the
great props and comforts of our existence«
»So they are« said the placid gentleman
»When theyre in a good humour« interposed the dirtyfaced man
»And thats very true« said the placid one
»I repudiate that qualification« said Mr Snodgrass whose thoughts were
fast reverting to Emily Wardle »I repudiate it with disdain with indignation
Show me the man who says anything against women as women and I boldly declare
he is not a man« And Mr Snodgrass took his cigar from his mouth and struck
the table violently with his clenched fist
»Thats good sound argument« said the placid man
»Containing a position which I deny« interrupted he of the dirty
countenance
»And theres certainly a very great deal of truth in what you observe too
sir« said the placid gentleman
»Your health sir« said the bagman with the lonely eye bestowing an
approving nod on Mr Snodgrass
Mr Snodgrass acknowledged the compliment
»I always like to hear a good argument« continued the bagman »a sharp one
like this its very improving but this little argument about women brought to
my mind a story I have heard an old uncle of mine tell the recollection of
which just now made me say there were rummer things than women to be met with
sometimes«
»I should like to hear that same story« said the redfaced man with the
cigar
»Should you« was the only reply of the bagman who continued to smoke with
great vehemence
»So should I« said Mr Tupman speaking for the first time He was always
anxious to increase his stock of experience.
»Should you Well then Ill tell it No I wont I know you wont believe
it« said the man with the roguish eye making that organ look more roguish than
ever
»If you say its true, of course I shall« said Mr Tupman
»Well upon that understanding Ill tell you« replied the traveller »Did
you ever hear of the great commercial house of Bilson and Slum But it doesnt
matter though whether you did or not because they retired from business long
since Its eighty years ago since the circumstance happened to a traveller for
that house but he was a particular friend of my uncles and my uncle told the
story to me Its a queer name but he used to call it
The Bagmans Story
and he used to tell it something in this way
One winters evening about five oclock just as it began to grow dusk a
man in a gig might have been seen urging his tired horse along the road which
leads across Marlborough Downs in the direction of Bristol I say he might have
been seen and I have no doubt he would have been if anybody but a blind man
had happened to pass that way but the weather was so bad and the night so cold
and wet that nothing was out but the water and so the traveller jogged along
in the middle of the road lonesome and dreary enough If any bagman of that day
could have caught sight of the little neckornothing sort of gig with a
claycoloured body and red wheels and the vixenish illtempered fastgoing bay
mare that looked like a cross between a butchers horse and a twopenny
postoffice pony he would have known at once that this traveller could have
been no other than Tom Smart of the great house of Bilson and Slum Cateaton
Street City However as there was no bagman to look on nobody knew anything
at all about the matter and so Tom Smart and his claycoloured gig with the red
wheels and the vixenish mare with the fast pace went on together keeping the
secret among them and nobody was a bit the wiser
There are many pleasanter places even in this dreary world than Marlborough
Downs when it blows hard and if you throw in beside a gloomy winters evening
a miry and sloppy road and a pelting fall of heavy rain and try the effect by
way of experiment in your own proper person you will experience the full force
of this observation
The wind blew not up the road or down it though thats bad enough but
sheer across it sending the rain slanting down like the lines they used to rule
in the copybooks at school to make the boys slope well For a moment it would
die away and the traveller would begin to delude himself into the belief that
exhausted with its previous fury it had quietly lain itself down to rest when
whoo he would hear it growling and whistling in the distance and on it would
come rushing over the hilltops and sweeping along the plain gathering sound
and strength as it drew nearer until it dashed with a heavy gust against horse
and man driving the sharp rain into their ears and its cold damp breath into
their very bones and past them it would scour far far away with a stunning
roar as if in ridicule of their weakness and triumphant in the consciousness
of its own strength and power
The bay mare splashed away through the mud and water with drooping ears
now and then tossing her head as if to express her disgust at this very
ungentlemanly behaviour of the elements but keeping a good pace
notwithstanding until a gust of wind more furious than any that had yet
assailed them caused her to stop suddenly and plant her four feet firmly
against the ground to prevent her being blown over Its a special mercy that
she did this for if she had been blown over the vixenish mare was so light
and the gig was so light and Tom Smart such a light weight into the bargain
that they must infallibly have all gone rolling over and over together until
they reached the confines of earth or until the wind fell and in either case
the probability is that neither the vixenish mare nor the claycoloured gig
with the red wheels nor Tom Smart would ever have been fit for service again
Well damn my straps and whiskers says Tom Smart Tom sometimes had an
unpleasant knack of swearing Damn my straps and whiskers says Tom if this
aint pleasant blow me
Youll very likely ask me why as Tom Smart had been pretty well blown
already he expressed this wish to be submitted to the same process again I
cant say all I know is that Tom Smart said so or at least he always told
my uncle he said so and its just the same thing
Blow me says Tom Smart and the mare neighed as if she were precisely of
the same opinion
Cheer up old girl said Tom patting the bay mare on the neck with the end
of his whip It wont do pushing on such a night as this the first house we
come to well put up at so the faster you go the sooner its over Soho old
girl gently gently
Whether the vixenish mare was sufficiently well acquainted with the tones of
Toms voice to comprehend his meaning or whether she found it colder standing
still than moving on of course I cant say But I can say that Tom had no
sooner finished speaking than she pricked up her ears and started forward at a
speed which made the claycoloured gig rattle till you would have supposed every
one of the red spokes were going to fly out on the turf of Marlborough Downs
and even Tom whip as he was couldnt stop or check her pace until she drew
up of her own accord before a roadside inn on the righthand side of the way
about half a quarter of a mile from the end of the Downs
Tom cast a hasty glance at the upper part of the house as he threw the reins
to the hostler and stuck the whip in the box It was a strange old place built
of a kind of shingle inlaid as it were with crossbeams with gabledtopped
windows projecting completely over the pathway and a low door with a dark
porch and a couple of steep steps leading down into the house instead of the
modern fashion of half a dozen shallow ones leading up to it It was a
comfortablelooking place though for there was a strong cheerful light in the
barwindow which shed a bright ray across the road and even lighted up the
hedge on the other side and there was a red flickering light in the opposite
window one moment but faintly discernible and the next gleaming strongly
through the drawn curtains which intimated that a rousing fire was blazing
within Marking these little evidences with the eye of an experienced traveller
Tom dismounted with as much agility as his halffrozen limbs would permit and
entered the house
In less than five minutes time Tom was ensconced in the room opposite the
bar the very room where he had imagined the fire blazing before a
substantial matterof-fact roaring fire composed of something short of a bushel
of coals and wood enough to make half a dozen decent gooseberry bushes piled
half way up the chimney and roaring and crackling with a sound that of itself
would have warmed the heart of any reasonable man This was comfortable but
this was not all for a smartly dressed girl with a bright eye and a neat
ancle was laying a very clean white cloth on the table and as Tom sat with his
slippered feet on the fender and his back to the open door he saw a charming
prospect of the bar reflected in the glass over the chimneypiece with
delightful rows of green bottles and gold labels together with jars of pickles
and preserves and cheeses and boiled hams and rounds of beef arranged on
shelves in the most tempting and delicious array Well this was comfortable
too but even this was not all for in the bar seated at tea at the nicest
possible little table drawn close up before the brightest possible little fire
was a buxom widow of somewhere about eight and forty or thereabouts with a face
as comfortable as the bar who was evidently the landlady of the house and the
supreme ruler over all these agreeable possessions There was only one drawback
to the beauty of the whole picture and that was a tall man a very tall man
in a brown coat and bright basket buttons and black whiskers and wavy black
hair who was seated at tea with the widow and who it required no great
penetration to discover was in a fair way of persuading her to be a widow no
longer but to confer upon him the privilege of sitting down in that bar for
and during the whole remainder of the term of his natural life
Tom Smart was by no means of an irritable or envious disposition but
somehow or other the tall man with the brown coat and the bright basket buttons
did rouse what little gall he had in his composition and did make him feel
extremely indignant the more especially as he could now and then observe from
his seat before the glass certain little affectionate familiarities passing
between the tall man and the widow which sufficiently denoted that the tall man
was as high in favour as he was in size Tom was fond of hot punch I may
venture to say he was very fond of hot punch and after he had seen the
vixenish mare well fed and well littered down and had eaten every bit of the
nice little hot dinner which the widow tossed up for him with her own hands he
just ordered a tumbler of it by way of experiment Now if there was one thing
in the whole range of domestic art which the widow could manufacture better
than another it was this identical article and the first tumbler was adapted
to Tom Smarts taste with such peculiar nicety that he ordered a second with
the least possible delay Hot punch is a pleasant thing gentlemen an
extremely pleasant thing under any circumstances but in that snug old parlour
before the roaring fire with the wind blowing outside till every timber in the
old house creaked again Tom Smart found it perfectly delightful He ordered
another tumbler and then another I am not quite certain whether he didnt
order another after that but the more he drank of the hot punch the more he
thought of the tall man
Confound his impudence said Tom to himself what business has he in that
snug bar Such an ugly villain too said Tom If the widow had any taste she
might surely pick up some better fellow than that Here Toms eye wandered from
the glass on the chimneypiece to the glass on the table and as he felt
himself become gradually sentimental he emptied the fourth tumbler of punch and
ordered a fifth
Tom Smart gentlemen had always been very much attached to the public line
It had long been his ambition to stand in a bar of his own in a green coat
kneecords and tops He had a great notion of taking the chair at convivial
dinners and he had often thought how well he could preside in a room of his own
in the talking way and what a capital example he could set to his customers in
the drinking department All these things passed rapidly through Toms mind as
he sat drinking the hot punch by the roaring fire and he felt very justly and
properly indignant that the tall man should be in a fair way of keeping such an
excellent house while he Tom Smart was as far from it as ever So after
deliberating over the last two tumblers whether he hadnt a perfect right to
pick a quarrel with the tall man for having contrived to get into the good
graces of the buxom widow Tom Smart at last arrived at the satisfactory
conclusion that he was a very illused and persecuted individual and had better
go to bed
Up a wide and ancient staircase the smart girl preceded Tom shading the
chamber candle with her hand to protect it from the currents of air which in
such a rambling old place might have found plenty of room to disport themselves
in without blowing the candle out but which did blow it out nevertheless thus
affording Toms enemies an opportunity of asserting that it was he and not the
wind who extinguished the candle and that while he pretended to be blowing it
alight again he was in fact kissing the girl Be this as it may another light
was obtained and Tom was conducted through a maze of rooms and a labyrinth of
passages to the apartment which had been prepared for his reception where the
girl bade him good night and left him alone
It was a good large room with big closets and a bed which might have served
for a whole boardingschool to say nothing of a couple of oaken presses that
would have held the baggage of a small army but what struck Toms fancy most
was a strange grimlooking highbacked chair carved in the most fantastic
manner with a flowered damask cushion and the round knobs at the bottom of the
legs carefully tied up in red cloth as if it had got the gout in its toes Of
any other queer chair Tom would only have thought it was a queer chair and
there would have been an end of the matter but there was something about this
particular chair and yet he couldnt tell what it was so odd and so unlike any
other piece of furniture he had ever seen that it seemed to fascinate him He
sat down before the fire and stared at the old chair for half an hour Deuce
take the chair it was such a strange old thing he couldnt take his eyes off
it
Well said Tom slowly undressing himself and staring at the old chair all
the while which stood with a mysterious aspect by the bedside I never saw such
a rum concern as that in my days Very odd said Tom who had got rather sage
with the hot punch Very odd Tom shook his head with an air of profound wisdom
and looked at the chair again He couldnt make anything of it though so he got
into bed covered himself up warm and fell asleep
In about half an hour Tom woke up with a start from a confused dream of
tall men and tumblers of punch and the first object that presented itself to
his waking imagination was the queer chair
I wont look at it any more said Tom to himself and he squeezed his
eyelids together and tried to persuade himself he was going to sleep again No
use nothing but queer chairs danced before his eyes kicking up their legs
jumping over each others backs and playing all kinds of antics
I may as well see one real chair as two or three complete sets of false
ones said Tom bringing out his head from under the bedclothes There it was
plainly discernible by the light of the fire looking as provoking as ever
Tom gazed at the chair and suddenly as he looked at it a most
extraordinary change seemed to come over it The carving of the back gradually
assumed the lineaments and expression of an old shrivelled human face the
damask cushion became an antique flapped waistcoat the round knobs grew into a
couple of feet encased in red cloth slippers and the old chair looked like a
very ugly old man of the previous century with his arms akimbo Tom sat up in
bed and rubbed his eyes to dispel the illusion No The chair was an ugly old
gentleman and what was more he was winking at Tom Smart
Tom was naturally a headlong careless sort of dog and he had had five
tumblers of hot punch into the bargain so although he was a little startled at
first he began to grow rather indignant when he saw the old gentleman winking
and leering at him with such an impudent air At length he resolved that he
wouldnt stand it and as the old face still kept winking away as fast as ever
Tom said in a very angry tone
What the devil are you winking at me for
Because I like it Tom Smart said the chair or the old gentleman
whichever you like to call him He stopped winking though when Tom spoke and
began grinning like a superannuated monkey
How do you know my name old nutcracker face inquired Tom Smart rather
staggered though he pretended to carry it off so well
Come come Tom said the old gentleman thats not the way to address solid
Spanish Mahogany Damme you couldnt treat me with less respect if I was
veneered When the old gentleman said this he looked so fierce that Tom began
to be frightened
I didnt mean to treat you with any disrespect sir said Tom in a much
humbler tone than he had spoken in at first
Well well said the old fellow perhaps not perhaps not Tom
Sir
I know everything about you Tom everything Youre very poor Tom
I certainly am said Tom Smart But how came you to know that
Never mind that said the old gentleman youre much too fond of punch Tom
Tom Smart was just on the point of protesting that he hadnt tasted a drop
since his last birthday but when his eye encountered that of the old
gentleman he looked so knowing that Tom blushed and was silent
Tom said the old gentleman the widows a fine woman remarkably fine
woman eh Tom Here the old fellow screwed up his eyes cocked up one of his
wasted little legs and looked altogether so unpleasantly amorous that Tom was
quite disgusted with the levity of his behaviour at his time of life too
I am her guardian Tom said the old gentleman
Are you inquired Tom Smart
I knew her mother Tom said the old fellow and her grandmother She was
very fond of me made me this waistcoat Tom
Did she said Tom Smart
And these shoes said the old fellow lifting up one of the redcloth
mufflers but dont mention it Tom I shouldnt like to have it known that she
was so much attached to me It might occasion some unpleasantness in the family
When the old rascal said this he looked so extremely impertinent that as Tom
Smart afterwards declared he could have sat upon him without remorse
I have been a great favourite among the women in my time Tom said the
profligate old debauchee hundreds of fine women have sat in my lap for hours
together What do you think of that you dog eh The old gentleman was
proceeding to recount some other exploits of his youth when he was seized with
such a violent fit of creaking that he was unable to proceed
Just serves you right old boy thought Tom Smart but he didnt say
anything
Ah said the old fellow I am a good deal troubled with this now I am
getting old Tom and have lost nearly all my rails I have had an operation
performed too a small piece let into my back and I found it a severe trial
Tom
I dare say you did sir said Tom Smart
However said the old gentleman thats not the point Tom I want you to
marry the widow
Me sir said Tom
You said the old gentleman
Bless your reverend locks said Tom he had a few scattered horsehairs
left bless your reverend locks she wouldnt have me And Tom sighed
involuntarily as he thought of the bar
Wouldnt she said the old gentleman firmly
No no said Tom theres somebody else in the wind A tall man a
confoundedly tall man with black whiskers
Tom said the old gentleman she will never have him
Wont she said Tom If you stood in the bar old gentleman youd tell
another story
Pooh pooh said the old gentleman I know all about that
About what said Tom
The kissing behind the door and all that sort of thing Tom said the old
gentleman And here he gave another impudent look which made Tom very wroth
because as you all know gentlemen to hear an old fellow who ought to know
better talking about these things is very unpleasant nothing more so
I know all about that Tom said the old gentleman I have seen it done very
often in my time Tom between more people than I should like to mention to you
but it never came to anything after all
You must have seen some queer things said Tom with an inquisitive look
You may say that now replied the old fellow with a very complicated wink
I am the last of my family Tom said the old gentleman with a melancholy sigh
Was it a large one inquired Tom Smart
There were twelve of us Tom said the old gentleman fine straightbacked
handsome fellows as youd wish to see None of your modern abortions all with
arms and with a degree of polish though I say it that should not which would
have done your heart good to behold
And whats become of the others sir asked Tom Smart
The old gentleman applied his elbow to his eye as he replied Gone Tom
gone We had hard service Tom and they hadnt all my constitution They got
rheumatic about the legs and arms and went into kitchens and other hospitals
and one of em with long service and hard usage positively lost his senses
he got so crazy that he was obliged to be burnt Shocking thing that Tom
Dreadful said Tom Smart
The old fellow paused for a few minutes apparently struggling with his
feelings of emotion and then said
However Tom I am wandering from the point This tall man Tom is a
rascally adventurer The moment he married the widow he would sell off all the
furniture and run away What would be the consequence She would be deserted
and reduced to ruin and I should catch my death of cold in some brokers shop
Yes but
Dont interrupt me said the old gentleman Of you Tom I entertain a very
different opinion for I well know that if you once settled yourself in a public
house you would never leave it as long as there was anything to drink within
its walls
I am very much obliged to you for your good opinion sir said Tom Smart
Therefore resumed the old gentleman in a dictatorial tone you shall have
her and he shall not
What is to prevent it said Tom Smart eagerly
This disclosure replied the old gentleman he is already married
How can I prove it said Tom starting half out of bed
The old gentleman untucked his arm from his side and having pointed to one
of the oaken presses immediately replaced it in its old position
He little thinks said the old gentleman that in the right hand pocket of a
pair of trousers in that press he has left a letter entreating him to return
to his disconsolate wife with six mark me Tom six babes and all of them
small ones
As the old gentleman solemnly uttered these words his features grew less
and less distinct and his figure more shadowy A film came over Tom Smarts
eyes The old man seemed gradually blending into the chair the damask waistcoat
to resolve into a cushion the red slippers to shrink into little red cloth
bags The light faded gently away and Tom Smart fell back on his pillow and
dropped asleep
Morning aroused Tom from the lethargic slumber into which he had fallen on
the disappearance of the old man He sat up in bed and for some minutes vainly
endeavoured to recall the events of the preceding night Suddenly they rushed
upon him He looked at the chair it was a fantastic and grimlooking piece of
furniture certainly but it must have been a remarkably ingenious and lively
imagination that could have discovered any resemblance between it and an old
man
How are you old boy said Tom He was bolder in the daylight most men
are
The chair remained motionless and spoke not a word
Miserable morning said Tom No The chair would not be drawn into
conversation
Which press did you point to you can tell me that said Tom Devil a
word gentlemen the chair would say
Its not much trouble to open it anyhow said Tom getting out of bed very
deliberately He walked up to one of the presses The key was in the lock he
turned it and opened the door There was a pair of trousers there He put his
hand into the pocket and drew forth the identical letter the old gentleman had
described
Queer sort of thing this said Tom Smart looking first at the chair and
then at the press and then at the letter and then at the chair again Very
queer said Tom But as there was nothing in either to lessen the queerness
he thought he might as well dress himself and settle the tall mans business at
once just to put him out of his misery
Tom surveyed the rooms he passed through on his way down stairs with the
scrutinising eye of a landlord thinking it not impossible that before long
they and their contents would be his property The tall man was standing in the
snug little bar with his hands behind him quite at home He grinned vacantly
at Tom A casual observer might have supposed he did it only to show his white
teeth but Tom Smart thought that a consciousness of triumph was passing through
the place where the tall mans mind would have been if he had had any Tom
laughed in his face and summoned the landlady
Good morning maam said Tom Smart closing the door of the little parlour
as the widow entered
Good morning sir said the widow What will you take for breakfast sir
Tom was thinking how he should open the case so he made no answer
Theres a very nice ham said the widow and a beautiful cold larded fowl
Shall I send em in sir
These words roused Tom from his reflections His admiration of the widow
increased as she spoke Thoughtful creature Comfortable provider
Who is that gentleman in the bar maam inquired Tom
His name is Jinkins sir said the widow slightly blushing
Hes a tall man said Tom
He is a very fine man sir replied the widow and a very nice gentleman
Ah said Tom
Is there anything more you want sir inquired the widow rather puzzled by
Toms manner
Why yes said Tom My dear maam will you have the kindness to sit down
for one moment
The widow looked much amazed but she sat down and Tom sat down too close
beside her I dont know how it happened gentlemen indeed my uncle used to
tell me that Tom Smart said he didnt know how it happened either but somehow
or other the palm of Toms hand fell upon the back of the widows hand and
remained there while he spoke
My dear maam said Tom Smart he had always a great notion of committing
the amiable My dear maam you deserve a very excellent husband you do
indeed
Lor sir said the widow as well she might Toms mode of commencing the
conversation being rather unusual not to say startling the fact of his never
having set eyes upon her before the previous night being taken into
consideration Lor sir
I scorn to flatter my dear maam said Tom Smart You deserve a very
admirable husband and whoever he is hell be a very lucky man As Tom said
this his eye involuntarily wandered from the widows face to the comforts
around him
The widow looked more puzzled than ever and made an effort to rise Tom
gently pressed her hand as if to detain her and she kept her seat Widows
gentlemen are not usually timorous as my uncle used to say
I am sure I am very much obliged to you sir for your good opinion said
the buxom landlady half laughing and if ever I marry again
If said Tom Smart looking very shrewdly out of the righthand corner of
his left eye If
Well said the widow laughing outright this time When I do I hope I shall
have as good a husband as you describe
Jinkins to wit said Tom
Lor sir exclaimed the widow
Oh dont tell me said Tom I know him
I am sure nobody who knows him knows anything bad of him said the widow
bridling up at the mysterious air with which Tom had spoken
Hem said Tom Smart
The widow began to think it was high time to cry so she took out her
handkerchief and inquired whether Tom wished to insult her whether he thought
it like a gentleman to take away the character of another gentleman behind his
back why if he had got anything to say he didnt say it to the man like a
man instead of terrifying a poor weak woman in that way and so forth
Ill say it to him fast enough said Tom only I want you to hear it first
What is it inquired the widow looking intently in Toms countenance
Ill astonish you said Tom putting his hand in his pocket
If it is that he wants money said the widow I know that already and you
neednt trouble yourself
Pooh nonsense thats nothing said Tom Smart I want money Tant that
Oh dear what can it be exclaimed the poor widow
Dont be frightened said Tom Smart He slowly drew forth the letter and
unfolded it You wont scream said Tom doubtfully
No no replied the widow let me see it
You wont go fainting away or any of that nonsense said Tom
No no returned the widow hastily
And dont run out and blow him up said Tom because Ill do all that for
you you had better not exert yourself
Well well said the widow let me see it
I will replied Tom Smart and with these words he placed the letter in
the widows hand
Gentlemen I have heard my uncle say that Tom Smart said the widows
lamentations when she heard the disclosure would have pierced a heart of stone
Tom was certainly very tenderhearted but they pierced his to the very core
The widow rocked herself to and fro and wrung her hands
Oh the deception and villainy of man said the widow
Frightful my dear maam but compose yourself said Tom Smart
Oh I cant compose myself shrieked the widow I shall never find any one
else I can love so much
Oh yes you will my dear soul said Tom Smart letting fall a shower of the
largest sized tears in pity for the widows misfortunes Tom Smart in the
energy of his compassion had put his arm round the widows waist and the
widow in a passion of grief had clasped Toms hand She looked up in Toms
face and smiled through her tears Tom looked down in hers and smiled through
his
I never could find out gentlemen whether Tom did or did not kiss the widow
at that particular moment He used to tell my uncle he didnt but I have my
doubts about it Between ourselves gentlemen I rather think he did
At all events Tom kicked the very tall man out at the front door half an
hour after and married the widow a month after And he used to drive about the
country with the claycoloured gig with red wheels and the vixenish mare with
the fast pace till he gave up business many years afterwards and went to
France with his wife and then the old house was pulled down«
»Will you allow me to ask you« said the inquisitive old gentleman »what became
of the chair«
»Why« replied the oneeyed bagman »it was observed to creak very much on
the day of the wedding but Tom Smart couldnt say for certain whether it was
with pleasure or bodily infirmity He rather thought it was the latter though
for it never spoke afterwards«
»Everybody believed the story didnt they« said the dirtyfaced man
refilling his pipe
»Except Toms enemies« replied the bagman »Some of em said Tom invented
it altogether and others said he was drunk and fancied it and got hold of the
wrong trousers by mistake before he went to bed But nobody ever minded what
they said«
»Tom said it was all true«
»Every word«
»And your uncle«
»Every letter«
»They must have been very nice men both of em« said the dirtyfaced man
»Yes they were« replied the bagman »very nice men indeed«
Chapter XV
In Which is Given a Faithful Portraiture of Two Distinguished Persons and an
Accurate Description of a Public Breakfast in Their House and Grounds Which
Public Breakfast Leads to the Recognition of an Old Acquaintance and the
Commencement of Another Chapter
Mr Pickwicks conscience had been somewhat reproaching him for his recent
neglect of his friends at the Peacock and he was just on the point of walking
forth in quest of them on the third morning after the election had terminated
when his faithful valet put into his hand a card on which was engraved the
following inscription
Mrs Leo Hunter
The Den Eatanswill
»Persons a waitin« said Sam epigrammatically
»Does the person want me Sam« inquired Mr Pickwick
»He wants you particklar and no one elsell do as the Devils private
secretary said ven he fetched avay Doctor Faustus« replied Mr Weller
»He Is it a gentleman« said Mr Pickwick
»A wery good imitation o one if it ant« replied Mr Weller
»But this is a ladys card« said Mr Pickwick
»Given me by a genlmn howsever« replied Sam »and hes a waitin in
the drawingroom said hed rather wait all day than not see you«
Mr Pickwick on hearing this determination descended to the drawingroom
where sat a grave man who started up on his entrance and said with an air of
profound respect
»Mr Pickwick I presume«
»The same«
»Allow me sir the honour of grasping your hand Permit me sir to shake
it« said the grave man
»Certainly« said Mr Pickwick
The stranger shook the extended hand and then continued
»We have heard of your fame sir The noise of your antiquarian discussion
has reached the ears of Mrs Leo Hunter my wife sir I am Mr Leo Hunter«
the stranger paused as if he expected that Mr Pickwick would be overcome by
the disclosure but seeing that he remained perfectly calm proceeded
»My wife sir Mrs Leo Hunter is proud to number among her acquaintance
all those who have rendered themselves celebrated by their works and talents
Permit me sir to place in a conspicuous part of the list the name of Mr
Pickwick and his brother members of the club that derives its name from him«
»I shall be extremely happy to make the acquaintance of such a lady sir«
replied Mr Pickwick
»You shall make it sir« said the grave man »Tomorrow morning sir we
give a public breakfast a fête champetre to a great number of those who have
rendered themselves celebrated by their works and talents Permit Mrs Leo
Hunter sir to have the gratification of seeing you at the Den«
»With great pleasure« replied Mr Pickwick
»Mrs Leo Hunter has many of these breakfasts sir« resumed the new
acquaintance »feasts of reason, sir and flows of soul as somebody who wrote
a sonnet to Mrs Leo Hunter on her breakfasts feelingly and originally
observed«
»Was he celebrated for his works and talents« inquired Mr Pickwick
»He was sir« replied the grave man »all Mrs Leo Hunters acquaintance
are it is her ambition sir to have no other acquaintance«
»It is a very noble ambition« said Mr Pickwick
»When I inform Mrs Leo Hunter that that remark fell from your lips sir
she will indeed be proud« said the grave man »You have a gentleman in your
train who has produced some beautiful little poems I think sir«
»My friend Mr Snodgrass has a great taste for poetry« replied Mr
Pickwick
»So has Mrs Leo Hunter sir She doats on poetry sir She adores it I may
say that her whole soul and mind are wound up and entwined with it She has
produced some delightful pieces herself sir You may have met with her Ode to
an Expiring Frog sir«
»I dont think I have« said Mr Pickwick
»You astonish me sir« said Mr Leo Hunter »It created an immense
sensation It was signed with an L and eight stars and appeared originally in a
Ladys Magazine It commenced
Can I view thee panting lying
On thy stomach without sighing
Can I unmoved see thee dying
On a log
Expiring frog«
»Beautiful« said Mr Pickwick
»Fine« said Mr Leo Hunter »so simple«
»Very« said Mr Pickwick
»The next verse is still more touching Shall I repeat it«
»If you please« said Mr Pickwick
»It runs thus« said the grave man still more gravely
»Say have fiends in shape of boys
With wild halloo and brutal noise
Hunted thee from marshy joys
With a dog
Expiring frog«
»Finely expressed« said Mr Pickwick
»All point sir« said Mr Leo Hunter »but you shall hear Mrs Leo Hunter
repeat it She can do justice to it sir She will repeat it in character sir
tomorrow morning«
»In character«
»As Minerva But I forgot its a fancydress breakfast«
»Dear me« said Mr Pickwick glancing at his own figure »I cant possibly
«
»Cant sir cant« exclaimed Mr Leo Hunter »Solomon Lucas the Jew in
the High Street has thousands of fancy dresses Consider sir how many
appropriate characters are open for your selection Plato Zeno Epicurus
Pythagoras all founders of clubs«
»I know that« said Mr Pickwick »but as I cannot put myself in competition
with those great men I cannot presume to wear their dresses«
The grave man considered deeply for a few seconds and then said
»On reflection sir I dont know whether it would not afford Mrs Leo
Hunter greater pleasure if her guests saw a gentleman of your celebrity in his
own costume rather than in an assumed one I may venture to promise an
exception in your case sir yes I am quite certain that on behalf of Mrs Leo
Hunter I may venture to do so«
»In that case« said Mr Pickwick »I shall have great pleasure in coming«
»But I waste your time sir« said the grave man as if suddenly
recollecting himself »I know its value sir I will not detain you I may tell
Mrs Leo Hunter then that she may confidently expect you and your
distinguished friends Good morning sir I am proud to have beheld so eminent a
personage not a step sir not a word« And without giving Mr Pickwick time
to offer remonstrance or denial Mr Leo Hunter stalked gravely away
Mr Pickwick took up his hat and repaired to the Peacock but Mr Winkle
had conveyed the intelligence of the fancy ball there before him
»Mrs Potts going« were the first words with which he saluted his leader
»Is she« said Mr Pickwick
»As Apollo« replied Mr Winkle »Only Pott objects to the tunic
He is right He is quite right« said Mr Pickwick emphatically
»Yes so shes going to wear a white satin gown with gold spangles«
»Theyll hardly know what shes meant for will they« inquired Mr
Snodgrass
»Of course they will« replied Mr Winkle indignantly »Theyll see her
lyre wont they«
»True I forgot that« said Mr Snodgrass
»I shall go as a Bandit« interrupted Mr Tupman
»What« said Mr Pickwick with a sudden start
»As a bandit« repeated Mr Tupman mildly
»You dont mean to say« said Mr Pickwick gazing with solemn sternness at
his friend »You dont mean to say Mr Tupman that it is your intention to put
yourself into a green velvet jacket with a twoinch tail«
»Such is my intention sir« replied Mr Tupman warmly »And why not sir«
»Because sir« said Mr Pickwick considerably excited »Because you are
too old sir«
»Too old« exclaimed Mr Tupman
»And if any further ground of objection be wanting« continued Mr Pickwick
»you are too fat sir«
»Sir« said Mr Tupman his face suffused with a crimson glow »This is an
insult«
»Sir« replied Mr Pickwick in the same tone »It is not half the insult to
you that your appearance in my presence in a green velvet jacket with a
twoinch tail would be to me«
»Sir« said Mr Tupman »youre a fellow«
»Sir« said Mr Pickwick »youre another«
Mr Tupman advanced a step or two and glared at Mr Pickwick Mr Pickwick
returned the glare concentrated into a focus by means of his spectacles and
breathed a bold defiance Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle looked on petrified at
beholding such a scene between two such men
»Sir« said Mr Tupman after a short pause speaking in a low deep voice
»you have called me old«
»I have« said Mr Pickwick
»And fat«
»I reiterate the charge«
»And a fellow«
»So you are«
There was a fearful pause
»My attachment to your person sir« said Mr Tupman speaking in a voice
tremulous with emotion and tucking up his wristbands meanwhile »is great
very great but upon that person I must take summary vengeance«
»Come on sir« replied Mr Pickwick Stimulated by the exciting nature of
the dialogue the heroic man actually threw himself into a paralytic attitude
confidently supposed by the two bystanders to have been intended as a posture
of defence
»What« exclaimed Mr Snodgrass suddenly recovering the power of speech of
which intense astonishment had previously bereft him and rushing between the
two at the imminent hazard of receiving an application on the temple from each
»What Mr Pickwick with the eyes of the world upon you Mr Tupman Who in
common with us all derives a lustre from his undying name For shame
gentlemen for shame«
The unwonted lines which momentary passion had ruled in Mr Pickwicks clear
and open brow gradually melted away as his young friend spoke like the marks
of a blacklead pencil beneath the softening influence of India rubber His
countenance had resumed its usual benign expression ere he concluded
»I have been hasty« said Mr Pickwick »very hasty Tupman your hand«
The dark shadow passed from Mr Tupmans face as he warmly grasped the hand
of his friend
»I have been hasty too« said he
»No no« interrupted Mr Pickwick »the fault was mine You will wear the
green velvet jacket«
»No no« replied Mr Tupman
»To oblige me you will« resumed Mr Pickwick
»Well well I will« said Mr Tupman
It was accordingly settled that Mr Tupman Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass
should all wear fancy dresses Thus Mr Pickwick was led by the very warmth of
his own good feelings to give his consent to a proceeding from which his better
judgment would have recoiled a more striking illustration of his amiable
character could hardly have been conceived even if the events recorded in these
pages had been wholly imaginary
Mr Leo Hunter had not exaggerated the resources of Mr Solomon Lucas His
wardrobe was extensive very extensive not strictly classical perhaps nor
quite new nor did it contain any one garment made precisely after the fashion
of any age or time but everything was more or less spangled and what can be
prettier than spangles It may be objected that they are not adapted to the
daylight but everybody knows that they would glitter if there were lamps and
nothing can be clearer than that if people give fancy balls in the daytime and
the dresses do not show quite as well as they would by night the fault lies
solely with the people who give the fancy balls and is in no wise chargeable on
the spangles Such was the convincing reasoning of Mr Solomon Lucas and
influenced by such arguments did Mr Tupman Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass
engage to array themselves in costumes which his taste and experience induced
him to recommend as admirably suited to the occasion
A carriage was hired from the Town Arms for the accommodation of the
Pickwickians and a chariot was ordered from the same repository for the
purpose of conveying Mr and Mrs Pott to Mrs Leo Hunters grounds which Mr
Pott as a delicate acknowledgment of having received an invitation had already
confidently predicted in the Eatanswill Gazette »would present a scene of varied
and delicious enchantment a bewildering coruscation of beauty and talent a
lavish and prodigal display of hospitality above all a degree of splendour
softened by the most exquisite taste and adornment refined with perfect harmony
and the chastest good keeping compared with which the fabled gorgeousness of
Eastern Fairyland itself would appear to be clothed in as many dark and murky
colours as must be the mind of the splenetic and unmanly being who could
presume to taint with the venom of his envy the preparations making by the
virtuous and highly distinguished lady at whose shrine this humble tribute of
admiration was offered« This last was a piece of biting sarcasm against the
Independent who in consequence of not having been invited at all had been
through four numbers affecting to sneer at the whole affair in his very largest
type with all the adjectives in capital letters
The morning came it was a pleasant sight to behold Mr Tupman in full
Brigands costume with a very tight jacket sitting like a pincushion over his
back and shoulders the upper portion of his legs encased in the velvet shorts
and the lower part thereof swathed in the complicated bandages to which all
Brigands are peculiarly attached It was pleasing to see his open and ingenuous
countenance well mustachioed and corked looking out from an open shirt collar
and to contemplate the sugarloaf hat decorated with ribbons of all colours
which he was compelled to carry on his knee inasmuch as no known conveyance
with a top to it would admit of any mans carrying it between his head and the
roof Equally humourous and agreeable was the appearance of Mr Snodgrass in
blue satin trunks and cloak white silk tights and shoes and Grecian helmet
which everybody knows and if they do not Mr Solomon Lucas did to have been
the regular authentic everyday costume of a Troubadour from the earliest
ages down to the time of their final disappearance from the face of the earth
All this was pleasant but this was as nothing compared with the shouting of the
populace when the carriage drew up behind Mr Potts chariot which chariot
itself drew up at Mr Potts door which door itself opened and displayed the
great Pott accoutred as a Russian officer of justice with a tremendous knout in
his hand tastefully typical of the stern and mighty power of the Eatanswill
Gazette and the fearful lashings it bestowed on public offenders
»Bravo« shouted Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass from the passage when they
beheld the walking allegory
»Bravo« Mr Pickwick was heard to exclaim from the passage
»Hoo roar Pott« shouted the populace Amid these salutations Mr Pott
smiling with that kind of bland dignity which sufficiently testified that he
felt his power and knew how to exert it got into the chariot
Then there emerged from the house Mrs Pott who would have looked very
like Apollo if she hadnt had a gown on conducted by Mr Winkle who in his
lightred coat could not possibly have been mistaken for anything but a
sportsman if he had not borne an equal resemblance to a general postman Last
of all came Mr Pickwick whom the boys applauded as loud as anybody probably
under the impression that his tights and gaiters were some remnants of the dark
ages and then the two vehicles proceeded towards Mrs Leo Hunters Mr Weller
who was to assist in waiting being stationed on the box of that in which his
master was seated
Every one of the men women boys girls and babies who were assembled to
see the visitors in their fancy dresses screamed with delight and ecstasy when
Mr Pickwick with the Brigand on one arm and the Troubadour on the other
walked solemnly up the entrance Never were such shouts heard as those which
greeted Mr Tupmans efforts to fix the sugarloaf hat on his head by way of
entering the garden in style
The preparations were on the most delightful scale fully realising the
prophetic Potts anticipations about the gorgeousness of Eastern Fairyland and
at once affording a sufficient contradiction to the malignant statements of the
reptile Independent The grounds were more than an acre and a quarter in extent
and they were filled with people Never was such a blaze of beauty and fashion
and literature There was the young lady who did the poetry in the Eatanswill
Gazette in the garb of a sultana leaning upon the arm of the young gentleman
who did the review department and who was appropriately habited in a field
marshals uniform the boots excepted There were hosts of these geniuses and
any reasonable person would have thought it honour enough to meet them But more
than these there were half a dozen lions from London authors real authors
who had written whole books and printed them afterwards and here you might
see em walking about like ordinary men smiling and talking aye and
talking pretty considerable nonsense too no doubt with the benign intention of
rendering themselves intelligible to the common people about them Moreover
there was a band of music in pasteboard caps four somethingean singers in the
costume of their country and a dozen hired waiters in the costume of their
country and very dirty costume too And above all there was Mrs Leo Hunter
in the character of Minerva receiving the company and overflowing with pride
and gratification at the notion of having called such distinguished individuals
together
»Mr Pickwick maam« said a servant as that gentleman approached the
presiding goddess with his hat in his hand and the Brigand and Troubadour on
either arm
»What Where« exclaimed Mrs Leo Hunter starting up in an affected
rapture of surprise
»Here« said Mr Pickwick
»Is it possible that I have really the gratification of beholding Mr
Pickwick himself« ejaculated Mrs Leo Hunter
»No other maam« replied Mr Pickwick bowing very low »Permit me to
introduce my friends Mr Tupman Mr Winkle Mr Snodgrass to the
authoress of The Expiring Frog«
Very few people but those who have tried it know what a difficult process
it is to bow in green velvet smalls and a tight jacket and highcrowned hat
or in blue satin trunks and white silks or kneecords and topboots that were
never made for the wearer and have been fixed upon him without the remotest
reference to the comparative dimensions of himself and the suit Never were such
distortions as Mr Tupmans frame underwent in his efforts to appear easy and
graceful never was such ingenious posturing as his fancydressed friends
exhibited
»Mr Pickwick« said Mrs Leo Hunter »I must make you promise not to stir
from my side the whole day There are hundreds of people here that I must
positively introduce you to«
»You are very kind maam« said Mr Pickwick
»In the first place here are my little girls I had almost forgotten them«
said Minerva carelessly pointing towards a couple of fullgrown young ladies
of whom one might be about twenty and the other a year or two older and who
were dressed in very juvenile costumes whether to make them look young or
their mamma younger Mr Pickwick does not distinctly inform us
»They are very beautiful« said Mr Pickwick as the juveniles turned away
after being presented
»They are very like their mamma sir« said Mr Pott majestically
»Oh you naughty man« exclaimed Mrs Leo Hunter playfully tapping the
Editors arm with her fan Minerva with a fan
»Why now my dear Mrs Hunter« said Mr Pott who was trumpeter in ordinary
at the Den »you know that when your picture was in the Exhibition of the Royal
Academy last year everybody inquired whether it was intended for you or your
youngest daughter for you were so much alike that there was no telling the
difference between you«
»Well and if they did why need you repeat it before strangers« said Mrs
Leo Hunter bestowing another tap on the slumbering lion of the Eatanswill
Gazette
»Count Count« screamed Mrs Leo Hunter to a wellwhiskered individual in a
foreign uniform who was passing by
»Ah you want me« said the Count turning back
»I want to introduce two very clever people to each other« said Mrs Leo
Hunter »Mr Pickwick I have great pleasure in introducing you to Count
Smorltork« She added in a hurried whisper to Mr Pickwick »the famous
foreigner gathering materials for his great work on England hem Count
Smorltork Mr Pickwick«
Mr Pickwick saluted the Count with all the reverence due to so great a man
and the Count drew forth a set of tablets
»What you say Mrs Hunt« inquired the Count smiling graciously on the
gratified Mrs Leo Hunter »Pig Vig or Big Vig what you call Lawyer eh I
see that is it Big Vig« and the Count was proceeding to enter Mr Pickwick
in his tablets as a gentleman of the long robe who derived his name from the
profession to which he belonged when Mrs Leo Hunter interposed
»No no Count« said the lady »Pickwick«
»Ah ah I see« replied the Count »Peek christian name Weeks surname
good ver good Peek Weeks How you do Weeks«
»Quite well I thank you« replied Mr Pickwick with all his usual
affability »Have you been long in England«
»Long ver long time fortnight more«
»Do you stay here long«
»One week«
»You will have enough to do« said Mr Pickwick smiling »to gather all the
materials you want in that time«
»Eh they are gathered« said the Count
»Indeed« said Mr Pickwick
»They are here« added the Count tapping his forehead significantly »Large
book at home full of notes music picture science poetry poltic all
tings«
»The word politics sir« said Mr Pickwick »comprises in itself, a
difficult study of no inconsiderable magnitude«
»Ah« said the Count drawing out the tablets again »ver good fine words
to begin a chapter Chapter fortyseven Poltics The word poltic surprises by
himself « And down went Mr Pickwicks remark in Count Smorltorks tablets
with such variations and additions as the Counts exuberant fancy suggested or
his imperfect knowledge of the language occasioned
»Count« said Mrs Leo Hunter
»Mrs Hunt« replied the Count
»This is Mr Snodgrass a friend of Mr Pickwicks and a poet«
»Stop« exclaimed the Count bringing out the tablets once more »Head
potry chapter literary friends name Snowgrass ver good Introduced to
Snowgrass great poet friend of Peek Weeks by Mrs Hunt which wrote other
sweet poem what is that name Fog Perspiring Fog ver good ver good
indeed« And the Count put up his tablets and with sundry bows and
acknowledgments walked away thoroughly satisfied that he had made the most
important and valuable additions to his stock of information
»Wonderful man Count Smorltork« said Mrs Leo Hunter
»Sound philosopher« said Mr Pott
»Clearheaded strongminded person« added Mr Snodgrass
A chorus of bystanders took up the shout of Count Smorltorks praise shook
their heads sagely and unanimously cried »Very«
As the enthusiasm in Count Smorltorks favour ran very high his praises
might have been sung until the end of the festivities if the four somethingean
singers had not ranged themselves in front of a small appletree to look
picturesque and commenced singing their national songs which appeared by no
means difficult of execution inasmuch as the grand secret seemed to be that
three of the somethingean singers should grunt while the fourth howled This
interesting performance having concluded amidst the loud plaudits of the whole
company a boy forthwith proceeded to entangle himself with the rails of a
chair and to jump over it and crawl under it and fall down with it and do
everything but sit upon it and then to make a cravat of his legs and tie them
round his neck and then to illustrate the ease with which a human being can be
made to look like a magnified toad all which feats yielded delight and
satisfaction to the assembled spectators After which the voice of Mrs Pott
was heard to chirp faintly forth something which courtesy interpreted into a
song which was all very classical and strictly in character because Apollo
was himself a composer and composers can very seldom sing their own music or
anybody elses either This was succeeded by Mrs Leo Hunters recitation of
her farfamed Ode to an Expiring Frog which was encored once and would have
been encored twice if the major part of the guests who thought it was high
time to get something to eat had not said that it was perfectly shameful to
take advantage of Mrs Hunters good nature So although Mrs Leo Hunter
professed her perfect willingness to recite the ode again her kind and
considerate friends wouldnt hear of it on any account and the refreshment room
being thrown open all the people who had ever been there before scrambled in
with all possible despatch Mrs Leo Hunters usual course of proceeding being
to issue cards for a hundred and breakfast for fifty or in other words to feed
only the very particular lions and let the smaller animals take care of
themselves
»Where is Mr Pott« said Mrs Leo Hunter as she placed the aforesaid lions
around her
»Here I am« said the editor from the remotest end of the room far beyond
all hope of food unless something was done for him by the hostess
»Wont you come up here«
»Oh pray dont mind him« said Mrs Pott in the most obliging voice »you
give yourself a great deal of unnecessary trouble Mrs Hunter Youll do very
well there wont you dear«
»Certainly love« replied the unhappy Pott with a grim smile Alas for
the knout The nervous arm that wielded it with such gigantic force on public
characters was paralysed beneath the glance of the imperious Mrs Pott
Mrs Leo Hunter looked round her in triumph Count Smorltork was busily
engaged in taking notes of the contents of the dishes Mr Tupman was doing the
honours of the lobster salad to several lionesses with a degree of grace which
no Brigand ever exhibited before Mr Snodgrass having cut out the young
gentleman who cut up the books for the Eatanswill Gazette was engaged in an
impassioned argument with the young lady who did the poetry and Mr Pickwick
was making himself universally agreeable Nothing seemed wanting to render the
select circle complete when Mr Leo Hunter whose department on these
occasions was to stand about in doorways and talk to the less important people
suddenly called out
»My dear heres Mr Charles FitzMarshall«
»Oh dear« said Mrs Leo Hunter »how anxiously I have been expecting him
Pray make room to let Mr FitzMarshall pass Tell Mr FitzMarshall my dear
to come up to me directly to be scolded for coming so late«
»Coming my dear maam« cried a voice »as quick as I can crowds of
people full room hard work very«
Mr Pickwicks knife and fork fell from his hand He stared across the table
at Mr Tupman who had dropped his knife and fork and was looking as if he were
about to sink into the ground without further notice
»Ah« cried the voice as its owner pushed his way among the last five and
twenty Turks officers cavaliers and Charles the Seconds that remained
between him and the table »regular mangle Bakers patent not a crease in my
coat after all this squeezing might have got up my linen as I came along
ha ha not a bad idea that queer thing to have it mangled when its upon
one though trying process very«
With these broken words a young man dressed as a naval officer made his way
up to the table and presented to the astonished Pickwickians the identical
form and features of Mr Alfred Jingle
The offender had barely time to take Mrs Leo Hunters proffered hand when
his eyes encountered the indignant orbs of Mr Pickwick
»Hallo« said Jingle »Quite forgot no directions to postilion give em
at once back in a minute«
»The servant or Mr Hunter will do it in a moment Mr FitzMarshall« said
Mrs Leo Hunter
»No no Ill do it shant be long back in no time« replied Jingle
With these words he disappeared among the crowd
»Will you allow me to ask you maam« said the excited Mr Pickwick rising
from his seat »who that young man is and where he resides«
»He is a gentleman of fortune Mr Pickwick« said Mrs Leo Hunter »to whom
I very much want to introduce you The Count will be delighted with him«
»Yes yes« said Mr Pickwick hastily »His residence «
»Is at present at the Angel at Bury«
»At Bury«
»At Bury St Edmunds not many miles from here But dear me Mr Pickwick
you are not going to leave us surely Mr Pickwick you cannot think of going
so soon«
But long before Mrs Leo Hunter had finished speaking Mr Pickwick had
plunged through the throng and reached the garden whither he was shortly
afterwards joined by Mr Tupman who had followed his friend closely
»Its of no use« said Mr Tupman »He has gone«
»I know it« said Mr Pickwick »and I will follow him«
»Follow him Where« inquired Mr Tupman
»To the Angel at Bury« replied Mr Pickwick speaking very quickly »How do
we know whom he is deceiving there He deceived a worthy man once and we were
the innocent cause He shall not do it again if I can help it Ill expose him
Wheres my servant«
»Here you are sir« said Mr Weller emerging from a sequestered spot
where he had been engaged in discussing a bottle of Madeira which he had
abstracted from the breakfasttable an hour or two before »Heres your
servant sir Proud o the title as the Living Skellinton said ven they showd
him«
»Follow me instantly« said Mr Pickwick »Tupman if I stay at Bury you
can join me there when I write Till then goodbye«
Remonstrances were useless Mr Pickwick was roused and his mind was made
up Mr Tupman returned to his companions and in another hour had drowned all
present recollection of Mr Alfred Jingle or Mr Charles FitzMarshall in an
exhilarating quadrille and a bottle of champagne By that time Mr Pickwick and
Sam Weller perched on the outside of a stage coach were every succeeding
minute placing a less and less distance between themselves and the good old town
of Bury St Edmunds
Chapter XVI
Too Full of Adventure To Be Briefly Described
There is no month in the whole year in which nature wears a more beautiful
appearance than in the month of August Spring has many beauties and May is a
fresh and blooming month but the charms of this time of year are enhanced by
their contrast with the winter season August has no such advantage It comes
when we remember nothing but clear skies green fields and sweetsmelling
flowers when the recollection of snow and ice and bleak winds has faded
from our minds as completely as they have disappeared from the earth and yet
what a pleasant time it is Orchards and cornfields ring with the hum of
labour trees bend beneath the thick clusters of rich fruit which bow their
branches to the ground and the corn piled in graceful sheaves or waving in
every light breath that sweeps above it as if it wooed the sickle tinges the
landscape with a golden hue A mellow softness appears to hang over the whole
earth the influence of the season seems to extend itself to the very waggon
whose slow motion across the wellreaped field is perceptible only to the eye
but strikes with no harsh sound upon the ear
As the coach rolls swiftly past the fields and orchards which skirt the
road groups of women and children piling the fruit in sieves or gathering the
scattered ears of corn pause for an instant from their labour and shading the
sunburnt face with a still browner hand gaze upon the passengers with curious
eyes while some stout urchin too small to work but too mischievous to be left
at home scrambles over the side of the basket in which he has been deposited
for security and kicks and screams with delight The reaper stops in his work
and stands with folded arms looking at the vehicle as it whirls past and the
rough cart horses bestow a sleepy glance upon the smart coach team which says
as plainly as a horses glance can »Its all very fine to look at but slow
going over a heavy field is better than warm work like that upon a dusty
road after all« You cast a look behind you as you turn a corner of the road
The women and children have resumed their labour the reaper once more stoops to
his work the carthorses have moved on and all are again in motion
The influence of a scene like this was not lost upon the wellregulated
mind of Mr Pickwick Intent upon the resolution he had formed of exposing the
real character of the nefarious Jingle in any quarter in which he might be
pursuing his fraudulent designs he sat at first taciturn and contemplative
brooding over the means by which his purpose could be best attained By degrees
his attention grew more and more attracted by the objects around him and at
last he derived as much enjoyment from the ride as if it had been undertaken
for the pleasantest reason in the world
»Delightful prospect Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»Beats the chimley pots sir« replied Mr Weller touching his hat
»I suppose you have hardly seen anything but chimneypots and bricks and
mortar all your life Sam« said Mr Pickwick smiling
»I wornt always a boots sir« said Mr Weller with a shake of the head
»I wos a wagginers boy once«
»When was that« inquired Mr Pickwick
»When I wos first pitched neck and crop into the world to play at leapfrog
with its troubles« replied Sam »I wos a carriers boy at startin then a
vagginers then a helper then a boots Now Im a genlmns servant I shall
be a genlmn myself one of these days perhaps with a pipe in my mouth and a
summerhouse in the back garden Who knows I shouldnt be surprised for one«
»You are quite a philosopher Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»It runs in the family I blieve sir« replied Mr Weller »My fathers
wery much in that line now If my motherinlaw blows him up he whistles She
flies in a passion and breaks his pipe he steps out and gets another Then
she screams wery loud and falls into sterics and he smokes wery comfortably
till she comes to agin Thats philosophy sir ant it«
»A very good substitute for it at all events« replied Mr Pickwick
laughing »It must have been of great service to you in the course of your
rambling life Sam«
»Service sir« exclaimed Sam »You may say that Arter I run away from the
carrier and afore I took up with the wagginer I had unfurnished lodgins for a
fortnight«
»Unfurnished lodgings« said Mr Pickwick
»Yes the dry arches of Waterloo Bridge Fine sleepingplace within ten
minutes walk of all the public offices only if there is any objection to it
it is that the sitivations rayther too airy I see some queer sights there«
»Ah I suppose you did« said Mr Pickwick with an air of considerable
interest
»Sights sir« resumed Mr Weller »as ud penetrate your benevolent heart
and come out on the other side You dont see the reglar wagrants there trust
em they knows better than that Young beggars male and female as hasnt made
a rise in their profession takes up their quarters there sometimes but its
generally the wornout starving houseless creeturs as rolls themselves in the
dark corners o them lonesome places poor creeturs as ant up to the twopenny
rope«
»And pray Sam what is the twopenny rope« inquired Mr Pickwick
»The twopenny rope sir« replied Mr Weller »is just a cheap lodgin
house where the beds is twopence a night«
»What do they call a bed a rope for« said Mr Pickwick
»Bless your innocence sir that ant it« replied Sam »Wen the lady and
genlmn as keeps the Hotel first begun business they used to make the beds on
the floor but this wouldnt do at no price cos instead o taking a moderate
twopennorth o sleep the lodgers used to lie there half the day So now they
has two ropes bout six foot apart and three from the floor which goes right
down the room and the beds are made of slips of coarse sacking stretched
across em«
»Well« said Mr Pickwick
»Well« said Mr Weller »the adwantage o the plans hobvious At six
oclock every mornin they lets go the ropes at one end and down falls all the
lodgers Consequence is that being thoroughly waked they get up wery quietly
and walk away Beg your pardon sir« said Sam suddenly breaking off in his
loquacious discourse »Is this Bury St Edmunds«
»It is« replied Mr Pickwick
The coach rattled through the wellpaved streets of a handsome little town
of thriving and cleanly appearance and stopped before a large inn situated in a
wide open street nearly facing the old abbey
»And this« said Mr Pickwick looking up »is the Angel We alight here
Sam But some caution is necessary Order a private room and do not mention my
name You understand«
»Right as a trivet sir« replied Mr Weller with a wink of intelligence
and having dragged Mr Pickwicks portmanteau from the hind boot into which it
had been hastily thrown when they joined the coach at Eatanswill Mr Weller
disappeared on his errand A private room was speedily engaged and into it Mr
Pickwick was ushered without delay
»Now Sam« said Mr Pickwick »the first thing to be done is to «
»Order dinner sir« interposed Mr Weller »Its wery late sir«
»Ah so it is« said Mr Pickwick looking at his watch »You are right
Sam«
»And if I might adwise sir« added Mr Weller »Id just have a good
nights rest arterwards and not begin inquiring arter this here deep un till
the mornin Theres nothin so refreshin as sleep sir as the servantgirl
said afore she drank the eggcupful o laudanum«
»I think you are right Sam« said Mr Pickwick »But I must first ascertain
that he is in the house and not likely to go away«
»Leave that to me sir« said Sam »Let me order you a snug little dinner
and make any inquiries below while its a getting ready I could worm evry
secret out o the bootss heart in five minutes sir«
»Do so« said Mr Pickwick and Mr Weller at once retired
In half an hour Mr Pickwick was seated at a very satisfactory dinner and
in threequarters Mr Weller returned with the intelligence that Mr Charles
FitzMarshall had ordered his private room to be retained for him until further
notice He was going to spend the evening at some private house in the
neighbourhood had ordered the boots to sit up until his return and had taken
his servant with him
»Now sir« argued Mr Weller when he had concluded his report »if I can
get a talk with this here servant in the mornin hell tell me all his masters
concerns«
»How do you know that« interposed Mr Pickwick
»Bless your heart sir servants always do« replied Mr Weller
»Oh ah I forgot that« said Mr Pickwick »Well«
»Then you can arrange whats best to be done sir and we can act
according«
As it appeared that this was the best arrangement that could be made it was
finally agreed upon Mr Weller by his masters permission retired to spend
the evening in his own way and was shortly afterwards elected by the unanimous
voice of the assembled company into the taproom chair in which honourable
post he acquitted himself so much to the satisfaction of the
gentlemenfrequenters that their roars of laughter and approbation penetrated
to Mr Pickwicks bedroom and shortened the term of his natural rest by at
least three hours
Early on the ensuing morning Mr Weller was dispelling all the feverish
remains of the previous evenings conviviality through the instrumentality of a
halfpenny showerbath having induced a young gentleman attached to the
stabledepartment by the offer of that coin to pump over his head and face
until he was perfectly restored when he was attracted by the appearance of a
young fellow in mulberrycoloured livery who was sitting on a bench in the
yard reading what appeared to be a hymnbook with an air of deep abstraction
but who occasionally stole a glance at the individual under the pump as if he
took some interest in his proceedings nevertheless
»Youre a rum un to look at you are« thought Mr Weller the first time
his eyes encountered the glance of the stranger in the mulberry suit who had a
large sallow ugly face very sunken eyes and a gigantic head from which
depended a quantity of lank black hair »Youre a rum un« thought Mr Weller
and thinking this he went on washing himself and thought no more about him
Still the man kept glancing from his hymnbook to Sam and from Sam to his
hymnbook as if he wanted to open a conversation So at last Sam by way of
giving him an opportunity said with a familiar nod
»How are you governor«
»I am happy to say I am pretty well sir« said the man speaking with
great deliberation and closing the book »I hope you are the same sir«
»Why if I felt less like a walking brandybottle I shouldnt be quite so
staggery this mornin« replied Sam »Are you stoppin in this house old un«
The mulberry man replied in the affirmative
»How was it you wornt one of us last night« inquired Sam scrubbing his
face with the towel »You seem one of the jolly sort looks as conwivial as a
live trout in a lime basket« added Mr Weller in an under tone
»I was out last night with my master« replied the stranger
»Whats his name« inquired Mr Weller colouring up very red with sudden
excitement and the friction of the towel combined
»FitzMarshall« said the mulberry man
»Give us your hand« said Mr Weller advancing »I should like to know you
I like your appearance old fellow«
»Well that is very strange« said the mulberry man with great simplicity
of manner »I like yours so much that I wanted to speak to you from the very
first moment I saw you under the pump«
»Did you though«
»Upon my word Now isnt that curious«
»Wery singler« said Sam inwardly congratulating himself upon the softness
of the stranger »Whats your name my patriarch«
»Job«
»And a wery good name it is only one I know that aint got a nickname to
it Whats the other name«
»Trotter« said the stranger »What is yours«
Sam bore in mind his masters caution and replied
»My names Walker my masters names Wilkins Will you take a drop o
somethin this mornin Mr Trotter«
Mr Trotter acquiesced in this agreeable proposal and having deposited his
book in his coatpocket accompanied Mr Weller to the tap where they were soon
occupied in discussing an exhilarating compound formed by mixing together in a
pewter vessel certain quantities of British Hollands and the fragrant essence
of the clove
»And what sort of a place have you got« inquired Sam as he filled his
companions glass for the second time
»Bad« said Job smacking his lips »very bad«
»You dont mean that« said Sam
»I do indeed Worse than that my masters going to be married«
»No«
»Yes and worse than that too hes going to run away with an immense rich
heiress from boardingschool«
»What a dragon« said Sam refilling his companions glass »Its some
boardingschool in this town I suppose ant it«
Now although this question was put in the most careless tone imaginable
Mr Job Trotter plainly showed by gestures that he perceived his new friends
anxiety to draw forth an answer to it He emptied his glass looked mysteriously
at his companion winked both of his small eyes one after the other and
finally made a motion with his arm as if he were working an imaginary
pumphandle thereby intimating that he Mr Trotter considered himself as
undergoing the process of being pumped by Mr Samuel Weller
»No no« said Mr Trotter in conclusion »thats not to be told to
everybody That is a secret a great secret Mr Walker«
As the mulberry man said this he turned his glass upside down as a means
of reminding his companion that he had nothing left wherewith to slake his
thirst Sam observed the hint and feeling the delicate manner in which it was
conveyed ordered the pewter vessel to be refilled whereat the small eyes of
the mulberry man glistened
»And so its a secret« said Sam
»I should rather suspect it was« said the mulberry man sipping his liquor
with a complacent face
»I suppose your masr s wery rich« said Sam
Mr Trotter smiled and holding his glass in his left hand gave four
distinct slaps on the pocket of his mulberry indescribables with his right as
if to intimate that his master might have done the same without alarming anybody
much by the chinking of coin
»Ah« said Sam »thats the game is it«
The mulberry man nodded significantly
»Well and dont you think old feller« remonstrated Mr Weller »that if
you let your master take in this here young lady youre a precious rascal«
»I know that« said Job Trotter turning upon his companion a countenance of
deep contrition and groaning slightly »I know that and thats what it is that
preys upon my mind But what am I to do«
»Do« said Sam »diwulge to the missis and give up your master«
»Whod believe me« replied Job Trotter »The young ladys considered the
very picture of innocence and discretion Shed deny it and so would my master
Whod believe me I should lose my place and get indicted for a conspiracy or
some such thing thats all I should take by my motion«
»Theres somethin in that« said Sam ruminating »theres somethin in
that«
»If I knew any respectable gentleman who would take the matter up«
continued Mr Trotter »I might have some hope of preventing the elopement but
theres the same difficulty Mr Walker just the same I know no gentleman in
this strange place and ten to one if I did whether he would believe my story«
»Come this way« said Sam suddenly jumping up and grasping the mulberry
man by the arm »My masr s the man you want I see« And after a slight
resistance on the part of Job Trotter Sam led his newlyfound friend to the
apartment of Mr Pickwick to whom he presented him together with a brief
summary of the dialogue we have just repeated
»I am very sorry to betray my master sir« said Job Trotter applying to
his eyes a pink checked pocket handkerchief about six inches square
»The feeling does you a great deal of honour« replied Mr Pickwick »but it
is your duty nevertheless«
»I know it is my duty sir« replied Job with great emotion »We should all
try to discharge our duty sir and I humbly endeavour to discharge mine sir
but it is a hard trial to betray a master sir whose clothes you wear and
whose bread you eat even though he is a scoundrel sir«
»You are a very good fellow« said Mr Pickwick much affected »an honest
fellow«
»Come come« interposed Sam who had witnessed Mr Trotters tears with
considerable impatience »blow this here watercart bisness It wont do no
good this wont«
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick reproachfully »I am sorry to find that you have
so little respect for this young mans feelings«
»His feelins is all wery well sir« replied Mr Weller »and as theyre so
wery fine and its a pity he should lose em I think hed better keep em in
his own buzzum than let em ewaporate in hot water specially as they do no
good Tears never yet wound up a clock or worked a steam ingen The next time
you go out to a smoking party young fellow fill your pipe with that ere
reflection and for the present just put that bit of pink gingham into your
pocket Tant so handsome that you need keep waving it about as if you was a
tightrope dancer«
»My man is in the right« said Mr Pickwick accosting Job »although his
mode of expressing his opinion is somewhat homely and occasionally
incomprehensible«
»He is sir very right« said Mr Trotter »and I will give way no longer«
»Very well« said Mr Pickwick »Now where is this boardingschool«
»It is a large old redbrick house just outside the town sir« replied
Job Trotter
»And when« said Mr Pickwick »when is this villainous design to be carried
into execution when is this elopement to take place«
»Tonight sir« replied Job
»Tonight« exclaimed Mr Pickwick
»This very night sir« replied Job Trotter »That is what alarms me so
much«
»Instant measures must be taken« said Mr Pickwick »I will see the lady
who keeps the establishment immediately«
»I beg your pardon sir« said Job »but that course of proceeding will
never do«
»Why not« inquired Mr Pickwick
»My master sir is a very artful man«
»I know he is« said Mr Pickwick
»And he has so wound himself round the old ladys heart sir« resumed Job
»that she would believe nothing to his prejudice if you went down on your bare
knees and swore it especially as you have no proof but the word of a servant
who for anything she knows and my master would be sure to say so was
discharged for some fault and does this in revenge«
»What had better be done then« said Mr Pickwick
»Nothing but taking him in the very fact of eloping will convince the old
lady sir« replied Job
»All them old cats will run their heads agin milestones« observed Mr
Weller in a parenthesis
»But this taking him in the very act of elopement would be a very difficult
thing to accomplish I fear« said Mr Pickwick
»I dont know sir« said Mr Trotter after a few moments reflection »I
think it might be very easily done«
»How« was Mr Pickwicks inquiry
»Why« replied Mr Trotter »my master and I being in the confidence of the
two servants will be secreted in the kitchen at ten oclock When the family
have retired to rest we shall come out of the kitchen and the young lady out
of her bedroom A postchaise will be waiting and away we go«
»Well« said Mr Pickwick
»Well sir I have been thinking that if you were in waiting in the garden
behind alone «
»Alone« said Mr Pickwick »Why alone«
»I thought it very natural« replied Job »that the old lady wouldnt like
such an unpleasant discovery to be made before more persons than can possibly be
helped The young lady too sir consider her feelings«
»You are very right« said Mr Pickwick »The consideration evinces your
delicacy of feeling Go on you are very right«
»Well sir I have been thinking that if you were waiting in the back garden
alone and I was to let you in at the door which opens into it from the end of
the passage at exactly halfpast eleven oclock you would be just in the very
moment of time to assist me in frustrating the designs of this bad man by whom
I have been unfortunately ensnared« Here Mr Trotter sighed deeply
»Dont distress yourself on that account« said Mr Pickwick »if he had one
grain of the delicacy of feeling which distinguishes you humble as your station
is I should have some hopes of him«
Job Trotter bowed low and in spite of Mr Wellers previous remonstrance
the tears again rose to his eyes
»I never see such a feller« said Sam »Blessed if I dont think hes got a
main in his head as is always turned on«
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick with great severity »Hold your tongue«
»Werry well sir« replied Mr Weller
»I dont like this plan« said Mr Pickwick after deep meditation »Why
cannot I communicate with the young ladys friends«
»Because they live one hundred miles from here sir« responded Job Trotter
»Thats a clincher« said Mr Weller aside
»Then this garden« resumed Mr Pickwick »How am I to get into it«
»The wall is very low sir and your servant will give you a leg up«
»My servant will give me a leg up« repeated Mr Pickwick mechanically
»You will be sure to be near this door that you speak of«
»You cannot mistake it sir its the only one that opens into the garden
Tap at it when you hear the clock strike and I will open it instantly«
»I dont like the plan« said Mr Pickwick »but as I see no other and as
the happiness of this young ladys whole life is at stake I adopt it I shall
be sure to be there«
Thus for the second time did Mr Pickwicks innate goodfeeling involve
him in an enterprise from which he would most willingly have stood aloof
»What is the name of the house« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Westgate House sir You turn a little to the right when you get to the end
of the town it stands by itself, some little distance off the high road with
the name on a brass plate on the gate«
»I know it« said Mr Pickwick »I observed it once before when I was in
this town You may depend upon me«
Mr Trotter made another bow and turned to depart when Mr Pickwick thrust
a guinea into his hand
»Youre a fine fellow« said Mr Pickwick »and I admire your goodness of
heart No thanks Remember eleven oclock«
»There is no fear of my forgetting it sir« replied Job Trotter With these
words he left the room followed by Sam
»I say« said the latter »not a bad notion that ere crying Id cry like a
rainwater spout in a shower on such good terms How do you do it«
»It comes from the heart Mr Walker« replied Job solemnly »Good morning
sir«
»Youre a soft customer you are weve got it all out o you any how«
thought Mr Weller as Job walked away
We cannot state the precise nature of the thoughts which passed through Mr
Trotters mind because we dont know what they were
The day wore on evening came and a little before ten oclock Sam Weller
reported that Mr Jingle and Job had gone out together that their luggage was
packed up and that they had ordered a chaise The plot was evidently in
execution as Mr Trotter had foretold
Halfpast ten oclock arrived and it was time for Mr Pickwick to issue
forth on his delicate errand Resisting Sams tender of his greatcoat in order
that he might have no incumbrance in scaling the wall he set forth followed by
his attendant
There was a bright moon but it was behind the clouds It was a fine dry
night but it was most uncommonly dark Paths hedges fields houses and
trees were enveloped in one deep shade The atmosphere was hot and sultry the
summer lightning quivered faintly on the verge of the horizon and was the only
sight that varied the dull gloom in which everything was wrapped sound there
was none except the distant barking of some restless housedog
They found the house read the brassplate walked round the wall and
stopped at that portion of it which divided them from the bottom of the garden
»You will return to the inn Sam when you have assisted me over« said Mr
Pickwick
»Very well sir«
»And you will sit up till I return«
»Certnly sir«
»Take hold of my leg and when I say Over raise me gently«
»All right sir«
Having settled these preliminaries Mr Pickwick grasped the top of the
wall and gave the word »Over« which was very literally obeyed Whether his
body partook in some degree of the elasticity of his mind or whether Mr
Wellers notions of a gentle push were of a somewhat rougher description than
Mr Pickwicks the immediate effect of his assistance was to jerk that immortal
gentleman completely over the wall on to the bed beneath where after crushing
three gooseberrybushes and a rosetree he finally alighted at full length
»You hant hurt yourself I hope sir« said Sam in a loud whisper as
soon as he recovered from the surprise consequent upon the mysterious
disappearance of his master
»I have not hurt myself Sam certainly« replied Mr Pickwick from the
other side of the wall »but I rather think that you have hurt me«
»I hope not sir« said Sam
»Never mind« said Mr Pickwick rising »its nothing but a few scratches
Go away or we shall be overheard«
»Goodbye sir«
»Goodbye«
With stealthy steps Sam Weller departed leaving Mr Pickwick alone in the
garden
Lights occasionally appeared in the different windows of the house or
glanced from the staircases as if the inmates were retiring to rest Not caring
to go too near the door until the appointed time Mr Pickwick crouched into an
angle of the wall and awaited its arrival
It was a situation which might well have depressed the spirits of many a
man Mr Pickwick however felt neither depression nor misgiving He knew that
his purpose was in the main a good one and he placed implicit reliance on the
highminded Job It was dull certainly not to say dreary but a contemplative
man can always employ himself in meditation Mr Pickwick had meditated himself
into a doze when he was roused by the chimes of the neighbouring church ringing
out the hour halfpast eleven
»That is the time« thought Mr Pickwick getting cautiously on his feet He
looked up at the house The lights had disappeared and the shutters were closed
all in bed no doubt He walked on tiptoe to the door and gave a gentle tap
Two or three minutes passing without any reply he gave another tap rather
louder and then another rather louder than that
At length the sound of feet was audible upon the stairs and then the light
of a candle shone through the keyhole of the door There was a good deal of
unchaining and unbolting and the door was slowly opened
Now the door opened outwards and as the door opened wider and wider Mr
Pickwick receded behind it more and more What was his astonishment when he
just peeped out by way of caution to see that the person who had opened it was
not Job Trotter but a servantgirl with a candle in her hand Mr Pickwick
drew in his head again with the swiftness displayed by that admirable
melodramatic performer Punch when he lies in wait for the flatheaded comedian
with the tin box of music
»It must have been the cat Sarah« said the girl addressing herself to
some one in the house »Puss puss puss tit tit tit«
But no animal being decoyed by these blandishments the girl slowly closed
the door and refastened it leaving Mr Pickwick drawn up straight against the
wall
»This is very curious« thought Mr Pickwick »They are sitting up beyond
their usual hour I suppose Extremely unfortunate that they should have chosen
this night of all others for such a purpose exceedingly« And with these
thoughts Mr Pickwick cautiously retired to the angle of the wall in which he
had been before ensconced waiting until such time as he might deem it safe to
repeat the signal
He had not been here five minutes when a vivid flash of lightning was
followed by a loud peal of thunder that crashed and rolled away in the distance
with a terrific noise then came another flash of lightning brighter than the
other and a second peal of thunder louder than the first and then down came
the rain with a force and fury that swept everything before it
Mr Pickwick was perfectly aware that a tree is a very dangerous neighbour
in a thunderstorm He had a tree on his right a tree on his left a third
before him and a fourth behind If he remained where he was he might fall the
victim of an accident if he showed himself in the centre of the garden he
might be consigned to a constable once or twice he tried to scale the wall
but having no other legs this time than those with which Nature had furnished
him the only effect of his struggles was to inflict a variety of very
unpleasant gratings on his knees and shins and to throw him into a state of the
most profuse perspiration
»What a dreadful situation« said Mr Pickwick pausing to wipe his brow
after this exercise He looked up at the house all was dark They must be gone
to bed now He would try the signal again
He walked on tiptoe across the moist gravel and tapped at the door He
held his breath and listened at the keyhole No reply very odd Another
knock He listened again There was a low whispering inside and then a voice
cried
»Whos there
Thats not Job« thought Mr Pickwick hastily drawing himself straight up
against the wall again »Its a woman«
He had scarcely had time to form this conclusion when a window above stairs
was thrown up and three or four female voices repeated the query »Whos
there«
Mr Pickwick dared not move hand or foot It was clear that the whole
establishment was roused He made up his mind to remain where he was until the
alarm had subsided and then by a supernatural effort to get over the wall or
perish in the attempt
Like all Mr Pickwicks determinations this was the best that could be made
under the circumstances but unfortunately it was founded upon the assumption
that they would not venture to open the door again What was his discomfiture
when he heard the chain and bolts withdrawn and saw the door slowly opening
wider and wider He retreated into the corner step by step but do what he
would the interposition of his own person prevented its being opened to its
utmost width
»Whos there« screamed a numerous chorus of treble voices from the
staircase inside consisting of the spinster lady of the establishment three
teachers five female servants and thirty boarders all halfdressed and in a
forest of curlpapers
Of course Mr Pickwick didnt say who was there and then the burden of the
chorus changed into »Lor I am so frightened«
»Cook« said the lady abbess who took care to be on the top stair the very
last of the group »Cook why dont you go a little way into the garden«
»Please maam I dont like« responded the cook
»Lor what a stupid thing that cook is« said the thirty boarders
»Cook« said the lady abbess with great dignity »dont answer me if you
please I insist upon your looking into the garden immediately«
Here the cook began to cry and the housemaid said it was »a shame« for
which partisanship she received a months warning on the spot
»Do you hear cook« said the lady abbess stamping her foot impatiently
»Dont you hear your missis cook« said the three teachers
»What an impudent thing that cook is« said the thirty boarders
The unfortunate cook thus strongly urged advanced a step or two and
holding her candle just where it prevented her from seeing anything at all
declared there was nothing there and it must have been the wind The door was
just going to be closed in consequence when an inquisitive boarder who had
been peeping between the hinges set up a fearful screaming which called back
the cook and the housemaid and all the more adventurous in no time
»What is the matter with Miss Smithers« said the lady abbess as the
aforesaid Miss Smithers proceeded to go into hysterics of four young lady power
»Lor Miss Smithers dear« said the other nineandtwenty boarders
»Oh the man the man behind the door« screamed Miss Smithers
The lady abbess no sooner heard this appalling cry than she retreated to
her own bedroom doublelocked the door and fainted away comfortably The
boarders and the teachers and the servants fell back upon the stairs and
upon each other and never was such a screaming and fainting and struggling
beheld In the midst of the tumult Mr Pickwick emerged from his concealment
and presented himself amongst them
»Ladies dear ladies« said Mr Pickwick
»Oh he says were dear« cried the oldest and ugliest teacher »Oh the
wretch«
»Ladies« roared Mr Pickwick rendered desperate by the danger of his
situation »Hear me I am no robber I want the lady of the house«
»Oh what a ferocious monster« screamed another teacher »He wants Miss
Tomkins«
Here there was a general scream
»Ring the alarm bell somebody« cried a dozen voices
»Dont dont« shouted Mr Pickwick »Look at me Do I look like a robber
My dear ladies you may bind me hand and leg or lock me up in a closet if you
like Only hear what I have got to say only hear me«
»How did you come in our garden« faltered the housemaid
»Call the lady of the house and Ill tell her everything everything«
said Mr Pickwick exerting his lungs to the utmost pitch »Call her only be
quiet and call her and you shall hear everything«
It might have been Mr Pickwicks appearance or it might have been his
manner or it might have been the temptation irresistible to a female mind
of hearing something at present enveloped in mystery that reduced the more
reasonable portion of the establishment some four individuals to a state of
comparative quiet By them it was proposed as a test of Mr Pickwicks
sincerity that he should immediately submit to personal restraint and that
gentleman having consented to hold a conference with Miss Tomkins from the
interior of a closet in which the day boarders hung their bonnets and
sandwichbags he at once stepped into it of his own accord and was securely
locked in This revived the others and Miss Tomkins having been brought to and
brought down the conference began
»What did you do in my garden Man« said Miss Tomkins in a faint voice
»I came to warn you that one of your young ladies was going to elope
tonight« replied Mr Pickwick from the interior of the closet
»Elope« exclaimed Miss Tomkins the three teachers the thirty boarders
and the five servants »Who with«
»Your friend Mr Charles FitzMarshall«
»My friend I dont know any such person«
»Well Mr Jingle then«
»I never heard the name in my life«
»Then I have been deceived and deluded« said Mr Pickwick »I have been
the victim of a conspiracy a foul and base conspiracy Send to the Angel my
dear maam if you dont believe me Send to the Angel for Mr Pickwicks
manservant I implore you maam«
»He must be respectable he keeps a manservant« said Miss Tomkins to the
writing and ciphering governess
»Its my opinion Miss Tomkins« said the writing and ciphering governess
»that his manservant keeps him I think hes a madman Miss Tomkins and the
others his keeper«
»I think you are very right Miss Gwynn« responded Miss Tomkins »Let two
of the servants repair to the Angel and let the others remain here to protect
us«
So two of the servants were despatched to the Angel in search of Mr Samuel
Weller and the remaining three stopped behind to protect Miss Tomkins and the
three teachers and the thirty boarders And Mr Pickwick sat down in the
closet beneath a grove of sandwich bags and awaited the return of the
messengers with all the philosophy and fortitude he could summon to his aid
An hour and a half elapsed before they came back and when they did come
Mr Pickwick recognised in addition to the voice of Mr Samuel Weller two
other voices the tones of which struck familiarly on his ear but whose they
were he could not for the life of him call to mind
A very brief conversation ensued The door was unlocked Mr Pickwick
stepped out of the closet and found himself in the presence of the whole
establishment of Westgate House Mr Samuel Weller and old Wardle and his
destined soninlaw Mr Trundle
»My dear friend« said Mr Pickwick running forward and grasping Wardles
hand »my dear friend pray for Heavens sake explain to this lady the
unfortunate and dreadful situation in which I am placed You must have heard it
from my servant say at all events my dear fellow that I am neither a robber
nor a madman«
»I have said so my dear friend I have said so already« replied Mr
Wardle shaking the right hand of his friend while Mr Trundle shook the left
»And whoever says or has said he is« interposed Mr Weller stepping
forward »says that which is not the truth but so far from it on the contrary
quite the rewerse And if theres any number o men on these here premises as
has said so I shall be wery happy to give em all a wery convincing proof o
their being mistaken in this here wery room if these wery respectable ladies
ll have the goodness to retire and order em up one at a time« Having
delivered this defiance with great volubility Mr Weller struck his open palm
emphatically with his clenched fist and winked pleasantly on Miss Tomkins the
intensity of whose horror at his supposing it within the bounds of possibility
that there could be any men on the premises of Westgate House Establishment for
Young Ladies it is impossible to describe
Mr Pickwicks explanation having already been partially made was soon
concluded But neither in the course of his walk home with his friends nor
afterwards when seated before a blazing fire at the supper he so much needed
could a single observation be drawn from him He seemed bewildered and amazed
Once and only once he turned round to Mr Wardle and said
»How did you come here«
»Trundle and I came down here for some good shooting on the first« replied
Wardle »We arrived tonight and were astonished to hear from your servant that
you were here too But I am glad you are« said the old fellow slapping him on
the back »I am glad you are We shall have a jovial party on the first and
well give Winkle another chance eh old boy«
Mr Pickwick made no reply he did not even ask after his friends at Dingley
Dell and shortly afterwards retired for the night desiring Sam to fetch his
candle when he rung
The bell did ring in due course and Mr Weller presented himself
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick looking out from under the bedclothes
»Sir« said Mr Weller
Mr Pickwick paused and Mr Weller snuffed the candle
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick again as if with a desperate effort
»Sir« said Mr Weller once more
»Where is that Trotter«
»Job sir«
»Yes«
»Gone sir«
»With his master I suppose«
»Friend or master or whatever he is hes gone with him« replied Mr
Weller »Theres a pair on em sir«
»Jingle suspected my design and set that fellow on you with this story I
suppose« said Mr Pickwick half choking
»Just that sir« replied Mr Weller
»It was all false of course«
»All sir« replied Mr Weller »Reglar do sir artful dodge«
»I dont think hell escape us quite so easily the next time Sam« said Mr
Pickwick
»I dont think he will sir«
»Whenever I meet that Jingle again wherever it is« said Mr Pickwick
raising himself in bed and indenting his pillow with a tremendous blow »Ill
inflict personal chastisement on him in addition to the exposure he so richly
merits I will or my name is not Pickwick«
»And wenever I catches hold o that there melancholly chap with the black
hair« said Sam »if I dont bring some real water into his eyes for once in a
way my name ant Weller Good night sir«
Chapter XVII
Showing That an Attack of Rheumatism in Some Cases Acts as a Quickener to
Inventive Genius
The constitution of Mr Pickwick though able to sustain a very considerable
amount of exertion and fatigue was not proof against such a combination of
attacks as he had undergone on the memorable night recorded in the last
chapter The process of being washed in the night air and roughdried in a
closet is as dangerous as it is peculiar Mr Pickwick was laid up with an
attack of rheumatism
But although the bodily powers of the great man were thus impaired his
mental energies retained their pristine vigour His spirits were elastic his
good humour was restored Even the vexation consequent upon his recent adventure
had vanished from his mind and he could join in the hearty laughter which any
allusion to it excited in Mr Wardle without anger and without embarrassment
Nay more During the two days Mr Pickwick was confined to his bed Sam was his
constant attendant On the first he endeavoured to amuse his master by anecdote
and conversation on the second Mr Pickwick demanded his writingdesk and pen
and ink and was deeply engaged during the whole day On the third being able
to sit up in his bedchamber he despatched his valet with a message to Mr
Wardle and Mr Trundle intimating that if they would take their wine there
that evening they would greatly oblige him The invitation was most willingly
accepted and when they were seated over their wine Mr Pickwick with sundry
blushes produced the following little tale as having been edited by himself
during his recent indisposition from his notes of Mr Wellers unsophisticated
recital
The Parish Clerk
A Tale of True Love
»Once upon a time in a very small country town at a considerable distance from
London there lived a little man named Nathaniel Pipkin who was the parish
clerk of the little town and lived in a little house in the little High Street
within ten minutes walk of the little church and who was to be found every day
from nine till four teaching a little learning to the little boys Nathaniel
Pipkin was a harmless inoffensive goodnatured being with a turnedup nose
and rather turnedin legs a cast in his eye and a halt in his gait and he
divided his time between the church and his school verily believing that there
existed not on the face of the earth so clever a man as the curate so
imposing an apartment as the vestryroom or so wellordered a seminary as his
own Once and only once in his life Nathaniel Pipkin had seen a bishop a
real bishop with his arms in lawn sleeves and his head in a wig He had seen
him walk and heard him talk at a confirmation on which momentous occasion
Nathaniel Pipkin was so overcome with reverence and awe when the aforesaid
bishop laid his hand on his head that he fainted right clean away and was
borne out of church in the arms of the beadle
This was a great event a tremendous era in Nathaniel Pipkins life and it
was the only one that had ever occurred to ruffle the smooth current of his
quiet existence when happening one fine afternoon in a fit of mental
abstraction to raise his eyes from the slate on which he was devising some
tremendous problem in compound addition for an offending urchin to solve they
suddenly rested on the blooming countenance of Maria Lobbs the only daughter of
old Lobbs the great saddler over the way Now the eyes of Mr Pipkin had
rested on the pretty face of Maria Lobbs many a time and oft before at church
and elsewhere but the eyes of Maria Lobbs had never looked so bright the
cheeks of Maria Lobbs had never looked so ruddy as upon this particular
occasion No wonder then that Nathaniel Pipkin was unable to take his eyes from
the countenance of Miss Lobbs no wonder that Miss Lobbs finding herself stared
at by a young man withdrew her head from the window out of which she had been
peeping and shut the casement and pulled down the blind no wonder that
Nathaniel Pipkin immediately thereafter fell upon the young urchin who had
previously offended and cuffed and knocked him about to his hearts content
All this was very natural and theres nothing at all to wonder at about it
It is matter of wonder though that any one of Mr Nathaniel Pipkins
retiring disposition nervous temperament and most particularly diminutive
income should from this day forth have dared to aspire to the hand and heart
of the only daughter of the fiery old Lobbs of old Lobbs the great saddler
who could have bought up the whole village at one stroke of his pen and never
felt the outlay old Lobbs who was well known to have heaps of money invested
in the bank at the nearest market town old Lobbs who was reported to have
countless and inexhaustible treasures hoarded up in the little iron safe with
the big keyhole over the chimneypiece in the back parlour old Lobbs who it
was well known on festive occasions garnished his board with a real silver
teapot cream ewer and sugarbasin which he was wont in the pride of his
heart to boast should be his daughters property when she found a man to her
mind I repeat it to be matter of profound astonishment and intense wonder
that Nathaniel Pipkin should have had the temerity to cast his eyes in this
direction But love is blind and Nathaniel had a cast in his eye and perhaps
these two circumstances taken together prevented his seeing the matter in its
proper light
Now if old Lobbs had entertained the most remote or distant idea of the
state of the affections of Nathaniel Pipkin he would just have razed the
schoolroom to the ground or exterminated its master from the surface of the
earth or committed some other outrage and atrocity of an equally ferocious and
violent description for he was a terrible old fellow was Lobbs when his pride
was injured or his blood was up Swear Such trains of oaths would come rolling
and pealing over the way sometimes when he was denouncing the idleness of the
bony apprentice with the thin legs that Nathaniel Pipkin would shake in his
shoes with horror and the hair of the pupils heads would stand on end with
fright
Well Day after day when school was over and the pupils gone did
Nathaniel Pipkin sit himself down at the front window and while he feigned to
be reading a book throw sidelong glances over the way in search of the bright
eyes of Maria Lobbs and he hadnt sat there many days before the bright eyes
appeared at an upper window apparently deeply engaged in reading too This was
delightful and gladdening to the heart of Nathaniel Pipkin It was something to
sit there for hours together and look upon that pretty face when the eyes were
cast down but when Maria Lobbs began to raise her eyes from her book and dart
their rays in the direction of Nathaniel Pipkin his delight and admiration were
perfectly boundless At last one day when he knew old Lobbs was out Nathaniel
Pipkin had the temerity to kiss his hand to Maria Lobbs and Maria Lobbs
instead of shutting the window and pulling down the blind kissed hers to him
and smiled Upon which Nathaniel Pipkin determined that come what might he
would develop the state of his feelings without further delay
A prettier foot a gayer heart a more dimpled face or a smarter form
never bounded so lightly over the earth they graced as did those of Maria
Lobbs the old saddlers daughter There was a roguish twinkle in her sparkling
eyes that would have made its way to far less susceptible bosoms than that of
Nathaniel Pipkin and there was such a joyous sound in her merry laugh that the
sternest misanthrope must have smiled to hear it Even old Lobbs himself in the
very height of his ferocity couldnt resist the coaxing of his pretty daughter
and when she and her cousin Kate an arch impudentlooking bewitching little
person made a dead set upon the old man together as to say the truth they
very often did he could have refused them nothing even had they asked for a
portion of the countless and inexhaustible treasures which were hidden from the
light in the iron safe
Nathaniel Pipkins heart beat high within him when he saw this enticing
little couple some hundred yards before him one summers evening in the very
field in which he had many a time strolled about till nighttime and pondered
on the beauty of Maria Lobbs But though he had often thought then how briskly
he would walk up to Maria Lobbs and tell her of his passion if he could only
meet her he felt now that she was unexpectedly before him all the blood in his
body mounting to his face manifestly to the great detriment of his legs which
deprived of their usual portion trembled beneath him When they stopped to
gather a hedgeflower or listen to a bird Nathaniel Pipkin stopped too and
pretended to be absorbed in meditation as indeed he really was for he was
thinking what on earth he should ever do when they turned back as they
inevitably must in time and meet him face to face But though he was afraid to
make up to them he couldnt bear to lose sight of them so when they walked
faster he walked faster when they lingered he lingered and when they stopped
he stopped and so they might have gone on until the darkness prevented them
if Kate had not looked slyly back and encouragingly beckoned Nathaniel to
advance There was something in Kates manner that was not to be resisted and
so Nathaniel Pipkin complied with the invitation and after a great deal of
blushing on his part and immoderate laughter on that of the wicked little
cousin Nathaniel Pipkin went down on his knees on the dewy grass and declared
his resolution to remain there for ever unless he were permitted to rise the
accepted lover of Maria Lobbs Upon this the merry laughter of Maria Lobbs rang
through the calm evening air without seeming to disturb it though it had
such a pleasant sound and the wicked little cousin laughed more immoderately
than before and Nathaniel Pipkin blushed deeper than ever At length Maria
Lobbs being more strenuously urged by the loveworn little man turned away her
head and whispered her cousin to say or at all events Kate did say that she
felt much honoured by Mr Pipkins addresses that her hand and heart were at
her fathers disposal but that nobody could be insensible to Mr Pipkins
merits As all this was said with much gravity and as Nathaniel Pipkin walked
home with Maria Lobbs and struggled for a kiss at parting he went to bed a
happy man and dreamed all night long of softening old Lobbs opening the
strong box and marrying Maria
The next day Nathaniel Pipkin saw old Lobbs go out upon his old grey pony
and after a great many signs at the window from the wicked little cousin the
object and meaning of which he could by no means understand the bony apprentice
with the thin legs came over to say that his master wasnt coming home all
night and that the ladies expected Mr Pipkin to tea at six oclock precisely
How the lessons were got through that day neither Nathaniel Pipkin nor his
pupils knew any more than you do but they were got through somehow and after
the boys had gone Nathaniel Pipkin took till full six oclock to dress himself
to his satisfaction Not that it took long to select the garments he should
wear inasmuch as he had no choice about the matter but the putting of them on
to the best advantage and the touching of them up previously was a task of no
inconsiderable difficulty or importance
There was a very snug little party consisting of Maria Lobbs and her cousin
Kate and three or four romping goodhumoured rosycheeked girls Nathaniel
Pipkin had ocular demonstration of the fact that the rumours of old Lobbss
treasures were not exaggerated There were the real solid silver teapot
creamewer and sugarbasin on the table and real silver spoons to stir the
tea with and real china cups to drink it out of and plates of the same to
hold the cakes and toast in The only eyesore in the whole place was another
cousin of Maria Lobbss and a brother of Kate whom Maria Lobbs called Henry
and who seemed to keep Maria Lobbs all to himself up in one corner of the
table Its a delightful thing to see affection in families but it may be
carried rather too far and Nathaniel Pipkin could not help thinking that Maria
Lobbs must be very particularly fond of her relations if she paid as much
attention to all of them as to this individual cousin After tea too when the
wicked little cousin proposed a game at blind mans buff it somehow or other
happened that Nathaniel Pipkin was nearly always blind and whenever he laid his
hand upon the male cousin he was sure to find that Maria Lobbs was not far off
And though the wicked little cousin and the other girls pinched him and pulled
his hair and pushed chairs in his way and all sorts of things Maria Lobbs
never seemed to come near him at all and once once Nathaniel Pipkin could
have sworn he heard the sound of a kiss followed by a faint remonstrance from
Maria Lobbs and a halfsuppressed laugh from her female friends All this was
odd very odd and there is no saying what Nathaniel Pipkin might or might not
have done in consequence if his thoughts had not been suddenly directed into a
new channel
The circumstance which directed his thoughts into a new channel was a loud
knocking at the streetdoor and the person who made this loud knocking at the
streetdoor was no other than old Lobbs himself who had unexpectedly returned
and was hammering away like a coffinmaker for he wanted his supper The
alarming intelligence was no sooner communicated by the bony apprentice with the
thin legs than the girls tripped upstairs to Maria Lobbss bedroom and the
male cousin and Nathaniel Pipkin were thrust into a couple of closets in the
sittingroom for want of any better places of concealment and when Maria Lobbs
and the wicked little cousin had stowed them away and put the room to rights
they opened the street door to old Lobbs who had never left off knocking since
he first began
Now it did unfortunately happen that old Lobbs being very hungry was
monstrous cross Nathaniel Pipkin could hear him growling away like an old
mastiff with a sore throat and whenever the unfortunate apprentice with the
thin legs came into the room so surely did old Lobbs commence swearing at him
in a most Saracenic and ferocious manner though apparently with no other end or
object than that of easing his bosom by the discharge of a few superfluous
oaths At length some supper which had been warming up was placed on the
table and then old Lobbs fell to in regular style and having made clear work
of it in no time kissed his daughter and demanded his pipe
Nature had placed Nathaniel Pipkins knees in very close juxtaposition but
when he heard old Lobbs demand his pipe they knocked together as if they were
going to reduce each other to powder for depending from a couple of hooks in
the very closet in which he stood was a large brownstemmed silverbowled
pipe which pipe he himself had seen in the mouth of old Lobbs regularly every
afternoon and evening for the last five years The two girls went downstairs
for the pipe and upstairs for the pipe and everywhere but where they knew the
pipe was and old Lobbs stormed away meanwhile in the most wonderful manner At
last he thought of the closet and walked up to it It was of no use a little
man like Nathaniel Pipkin pulling the door inwards when a great strong fellow
like old Lobbs was pulling it outwards Old Lobbs gave it one tug and open it
flew disclosing Nathaniel Pipkin standing bolt upright inside and shaking with
apprehension from head to foot Bless us what an appalling look old Lobbs gave
him as he dragged him out by the collar and held him at arms length
Why what the devil do you want here said old Lobbs in a fearful voice
Nathaniel Pipkin could make no reply so old Lobbs shook him backwards and
forwards for two or three minutes by way of arranging his ideas for him
What do you want here roared Lobbs I suppose you have come after my
daughter now
Old Lobbs merely said this as a sneer for he did not believe that mortal
presumption could have carried Nathaniel Pipkin so far What was his
indignation when that poor man replied
Yes I did Mr Lobbs I did come after your daughter I love her Mr
Lobbs
Why you snivelling wryfaced puny villain gasped old Lobbs paralysed by
the atrocious confession what do you mean by that Say this to my face Damme
Ill throttle you
It is by no means improbable that old Lobbs would have carried this threat
into execution in the excess of his rage if his arm had not been stayed by a
very unexpected apparition to wit the male cousin who stepping out of his
closet and walking up to old Lobbs said
I cannot allow this harmless person sir who has been asked here in some
girlish frolic to take upon himself in a very noble manner the fault if fault
it is which I am guilty of and am ready to avow I love your daughter sir
and I am here for the purpose of meeting her
Old Lobbs opened his eyes very wide at this but not wider than Nathaniel
Pipkin
You did said Lobbs at last finding breath to speak
I did
And I forbade you this house long ago
You did or I should not have been here clandestinely tonight
I am sorry to record it of old Lobbs but I think he would have struck the
cousin if his pretty daughter with her bright eyes swimming in tears had not
clung to his arm
Dont stop him Maria said the young man if he has the will to strike me
let him I would not hurt a hair of his grey head for the riches of the world
The old man cast down his eyes at this reproof and they met those of his
daughter I have hinted once or twice before that they were very bright eyes
and though they were tearful now their influence was by no means lessened Old
Lobbs turned his head away as if to avoid being persuaded by them when as
fortune would have it he encountered the face of the wicked little cousin who
half afraid for her brother and half laughing at Nathaniel Pipkin presented as
bewitching an expression of countenance with a touch of shyness in it too as
any man old or young need look upon She drew her arm coaxingly through the
old mans and whispered something in his ear and do what he would old Lobbs
couldnt help breaking out into a smile while a tear stole down his cheek at
the same time
Five minutes after this the girls were brought down from the bedroom with
a great deal of giggling and modesty and while the young people were making
themselves perfectly happy old Lobbs got down the pipe and smoked it and it
was a remarkable circumstance about that particular pipe of tobacco that it was
the most soothing and delightful one he ever smoked
Nathaniel Pipkin thought it best to keep his own counsel and by so doing
gradually rose into high favour with old Lobbs who taught him to smoke in time
and they used to sit out in the garden on the fine evenings for many years
afterwards smoking and drinking in great state He soon recovered the effects
of his attachment for we find his name in the parish register as a witness to
the marriage of Maria Lobbs to her cousin and it also appears by reference to
other documents that on the night of the wedding he was incarcerated in the
village cage for having in a state of extreme intoxication committed sundry
excesses in the streets in all of which he was aided and abetted by the bony
apprentice with the thin legs«
Chapter XVIII
Briefly Illustrative of Two Points First the Power of Hysterics and
Secondly the Force of Circumstances
For two days after the breakfast at Mrs Hunters the Pickwickians remained at
Eatanswill anxiously awaiting the arrival of some intelligence from their
revered leader Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass were once again left to their own
means of amusement for Mr Winkle in compliance with a most pressing
invitation continued to reside at Mr Potts house and to devote his time to
the companionship of his amiable lady Nor was the occasional society of Mr
Pott himself wanting to complete their felicity Deeply immersed in the
intensity of his speculations for the public weal and the destruction of the
Independent it was not the habit of that great man to descend from his mental
pinnacle to the humble level of ordinary minds On this occasion however and
as if expressly in compliment to any follower of Mr Pickwicks he unbent
relaxed stepped down from his pedestal and walked upon the ground benignly
adapting his remarks to the comprehension of the herd and seeming in outward
form if not in spirit to be one of them
Such having been the demeanour of this celebrated public character towards
Mr Winkle it will be readily imagined that considerable surprise was depicted
on the countenance of the latter gentleman when as he was sitting alone in the
breakfastroom the door was hastily thrown open and as hastily closed on the
entrance of Mr Pott who stalking majestically towards him and thrusting
aside his proffered hand ground his teeth as if to put a sharper edge on what
he was about to utter and exclaimed in a sawlike voice
»Serpent«
»Sir« exclaimed Mr Winkle starting from his chair
»Serpent sir« repeated Mr Pott raising his voice and then suddenly
depressing it »I said Serpent sir make the most of it«
When you have parted with a man at two oclock in the morning on terms of
the utmost good fellowship and he meets you again at halfpast nine and
greets you as a serpent it is not unreasonable to conclude that something of an
unpleasant nature has occurred meanwhile So Mr Winkle thought He returned Mr
Potts gaze of stone and in compliance with that gentlemans request proceeded
to make the most he could of the serpent The most however was nothing at all
so after a profound silence of some minutes duration he said
»Serpent sir Serpent Mr Pott What can you mean sir this is
pleasantry«
»Pleasantry sir« exclaimed Pott with a motion of the hand indicative of
a strong desire to hurl the Britannia metal teapot at the head of his visitor
»Pleasantry sir but no I will be calm I will be calm sir« in proof of
his calmness Mr Pott flung himself into a chair and foamed at the mouth
»My dear sir« interposed Mr Winkle
»Dear sir« replied Pott »How dare you address me as dear sir sir How
dare you look me in the face and do it sir«
»Well sir if you come to that« responded Mr Winkle »how dare you look
me in the face and call me a serpent sir«
»Because you are one« replied Mr Pott
»Prove it sir« said Mr Winkle warmly »Prove it«
A malignant scowl passed over the profound face of the editor as he drew
from his pocket the Independent of that morning and laying his finger on a
particular paragraph threw the journal across the table to Mr Winkle
That gentleman took it up and read as follows
»Our obscure and filthy contemporary in some disgusting observations on the
recent election for this borough has presumed to violate the hallowed sanctity
of private life and to refer in a manner not to be misunderstood to the
personal affairs of our late candidate aye and notwithstanding his base
defeat we will add our future member Mr Fizkin What does our dastardly
contemporary mean What would the ruffian say if we setting at naught like
him the decencies of social intercourse were to raise the curtain which
happily conceals HIS private life from general ridicule not to say from general
execration What if we were even to point out and comment on facts and
circumstances which are publicly notorious and beheld by every one but our
moleeyed contemporary what if we were to print the following effusion which
we received while we were writing the commencement of this article from a
talented fellowtownsman and correspondent
Lines to a Brass Pot
Oh Pott if youd known
How false shed have grown
When you heard the marriage bells tinkle
Youd have done then I vow
What you cannot help now
And handed her over to W«
»What« said Mr Pott solemnly »what rhymes to tinkle villain«
»What rhymes to tinkle« said Mrs Pott whose entrance at the moment
forestalled the reply »What rhymes to tinkle Why Winkle I should conceive«
saying this Mrs Pott smiled sweetly on the disturbed Pickwickian and extended
her hand towards him The agitated young man would have accepted it in his
confusion had not Pott indignantly interposed
»Back maam back« said the editor »Take his hand before my very face«
»Mr P« said his astonished lady
»Wretched woman look here« exclaimed the husband »Look here maam
Lines to a brass Pot Brass pot thats me maam False shed have grown
thats you maam you« With this ebullition of rage which was not
unaccompanied with something like a tremble at the expression of his wifes
face Mr Pott dashed the current number of the Eatanswill Independent at her
feet
»Upon my word sir« said the astonished Mrs Pott stooping to pick up the
paper »Upon my word sir«
Mr Pott winced beneath the contemptuous gaze of his wife He had made a
desperate struggle to screw up his courage but it was fast coming unscrewed
again
There appears nothing very tremendous in this little sentence »Upon my
word sir« when it comes to be read but the tone of voice in which it was
delivered and the look that accompanied it both seeming to bear reference to
some revenge to be thereafter visited upon the head of Pott produced their full
effect upon him The most unskilful observer could have detected in his troubled
countenance a readiness to resign his Wellington boots to any efficient
substitute who would have consented to stand in them at that moment
Mrs Pott read the paragraph uttered a loud shriek and threw herself at
full length on the hearthrug screaming and tapping it with the heels of her
shoes in a manner which could leave no doubt of the propriety of her feelings
on the occasion
»My dear« said the petrified Pott »I didnt say I believed it I «
but the unfortunate mans voice was drowned in the screaming of his partner
»Mrs Pott let me entreat you my dear maam to compose yourself« said
Mr Winkle but the shrieks and tappings were louder and more frequent than
ever
»My dear« said Mr Pott »Im very sorry If you wont consider your own
health consider me my dear We shall have a crowd round the house« But the
more strenuously Mr Pott entreated the more vehemently the screams poured
forth
Very fortunately however attached to Mrs Potts person was a bodyguard
of one a young lady whose ostensible employment was to preside over her toilet
but who rendered herself useful in a variety of ways and in none more so than
in the particular department of constantly aiding and abetting her mistress in
every wish and inclination opposed to the desires of the unhappy Pott The
screams reached this young ladys ears in due course and brought her into the
room with a speed which threatened to derange materially the very exquisite
arrangement of her cap and ringlets
»Oh my dear dear mistress« exclaimed the bodyguard kneeling frantically
by the side of the prostrate Mrs Pott »Oh my dear mistress what is the
matter«
»Your master your brutal master« murmured the patient
Pott was evidently giving way
»Its a shame« said the bodyguard reproachfully »I know hell be the
death of you maam Poor dear thing«
He gave way more The opposite party followed up the attack
»Oh dont leave me dont leave me Goodwin« murmured Mrs Pott clutching
at the wrist of the said Goodwin with an hysteric jerk »Youre the only person
thats kind to me Goodwin«
At this affecting appeal Goodwin got up a little domestic tragedy of her
own and shed tears copiously
»Never maam never« said Goodwin »Oh sir you should be careful you
should indeed you dont know what harm you may do missis youll be sorry for
it one day I know Ive always said so«
The unlucky Pott looked timidly on but said nothing
»Goodwin« said Mrs Pott in a soft voice
»Maam« said Goodwin
»If you only knew how I have loved that man «
»Dont distress yourself by recollecting it maam« said the bodyguard
Pott looked very frightened It was time to finish him
»And now« sobbed Mrs Pott »now after all to be treated in this way to
be reproached and insulted in the presence of a third party and that party
almost a stranger But I will not submit to it Goodwin« continued Mrs Pott
raising herself in the arms of her attendant »my brother the Lieutenant shall
interfere Ill be separated Goodwin«
»It would certainly serve him right maam« said Goodwin
Whatever thoughts the threat of a separation might have awakened in Mr
Potts mind he forebore to give utterance to them and contented himself by
saying with great humility
»My dear will you hear me«
A fresh train of sobs was the only reply as Mrs Pott grew more hysterical
requested to be informed why she was ever born and required sundry other pieces
of information of a similar description
»My dear« remonstrated Mr Pott »do not give way to these sensitive
feelings I never believed that the paragraph had any foundation my dear
impossible I was only angry my dear I may say outrageous with the
Independent people for daring to insert it thats all« Mr Pott cast an
imploring look at the innocent cause of the mischief as if to entreat him to
say nothing about the serpent
»And what steps sir do you mean to take to obtain redress« inquired Mr
Winkle gaining courage as he saw Pott losing it
»Oh Goodwin« observed Mrs Pott »does he mean to horsewhip the editor of
the Independent does he Goodwin«
»Hush hush maam pray keep yourself quiet« replied the bodyguard »I
dare say he will if you wish it maam«
»Certainly« said Pott as his wife evinced decided symptoms of going off
again »Of course I shall«
»When Goodwin when« said Mrs Pott still undecided about the going off
»Immediately of course« said Mr Pott »before the day is out«
»Oh Goodwin« resumed Mrs Pott »its the only way of meeting the slander
and setting me right with the world«
»Certainly maam« replied Goodwin »No man as is a man maam could
refuse to do it«
So as the hysterics were still hovering about Mr Pott said once more that
he would do it but Mrs Pott was so overcome at the bare idea of having ever
been suspected that she was halfadozen times on the very verge of a relapse
and most unquestionably would have gone off had it not been for the
indefatigable efforts of the assiduous Goodwin and repeated entreaties for
pardon from the conquered Pott and finally when that unhappy individual had
been frightened and snubbed down to his proper level Mrs Pott recovered and
they went to breakfast
»You will not allow this base newspaper slander to shorten your stay here
Mr Winkle« said Mrs Pott smiling through the traces of her tears
»I hope not« said Mr Pott actuated as he spoke by a wish that his
visitor would choke himself with the morsel of dry toast which he was raising to
his lips at the moment and so terminate his stay effectually
»I hope not«
»You are very good« said Mr Winkle »but a letter has been received from
Mr Pickwick so I learn by a note from Mr Tupman which was brought up to my
bedroom door this morning in which he requests us to join him at Bury
today and we are to leave by the coach at noon«
»But you will come back« said Mrs Pott
»Oh certainly« replied Mr Winkle
»You are quite sure« said Mrs Pott stealing a tender look at her visitor
»Quite« responded Mr Winkle
The breakfast passed off in silence for each member of the party was
brooding over his or her own personal grievances Mrs Pott was regretting the
loss of a beau Mr Pott his rash pledge to horsewhip the Independent Mr
Winkle his having innocently placed himself in so awkward a situation Noon
approached and after many adieux and promises to return he tore himself away
»If he ever comes back Ill poison him« thought Mr Pott as he turned
into the little back office where he prepared his thunderbolts
»If I ever do come back and mix myself up with these people again« thought
Mr Winkle as he wended his way to the Peacock »I shall deserve to be
horsewhipped myself thats all«
His friends were ready the coach was nearly so and in halfanhour they
were proceeding on their journey along the road over which Mr Pickwick and Sam
had so recently travelled and of which as we have already said something we
do not feel called upon to extract Mr Snodgrasss poetical and beautiful
description
Mr Weller was standing at the door of the Angel ready to receive them and
by that gentleman they were ushered to the apartment of Mr Pickwick where to
the no small surprise of Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass and the no small
embarrassment of Mr Tupman they found old Wardle and Trundle
»How are you« said the old man grasping Mr Tupmans hand »Dont hang
back or look sentimental about it it cant be helped old fellow For her
sake I wish youd had her for your own Im very glad you have not A young
fellow like you will do better one of these days eh« With this consolation
Wardle slapped Mr Tupman on the back and laughed heartily
»Well and how are you my fine fellows« said the old gentleman shaking
hands with Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass at the same time »I have just been
telling Pickwick that we must have you all down at Christmas Were going to
have a wedding a real wedding this time«
»A wedding« exclaimed Mr Snodgrass turning very pale
»Yes a wedding But dont be frightened« said the goodhumoured old man
»its only Trundle there and Bella«
»Oh is that all« said Mr Snodgrass relieved from a painful doubt which
had fallen heavily on his breast »Give you joy sir How is Joe«
»Very well« replied the old gentleman »Sleepy as ever«
»And your mother and the clergyman and all of em«
»Quite well«
»Where« said Mr Tupman with an effort »where is she sir« and he
turned away his head and covered his eyes with his hand
»She« said the old gentleman with a knowing shake of the head »Do you
mean my single relative eh«
Mr Tupman by a nod intimated that his question applied to the
disappointed Rachael
»Oh shes gone away« said the old gentleman »Shes living at a
relations far enough off She couldnt bear to see the girls so I let her go
But come Heres the dinner You must be hungry after your ride I am without
any ride at all so let us fall to«
Ample justice was done to the meal and when they were seated round the
table after it had been disposed of Mr Pickwick to the intense horror and
indignation of his followers related the adventure he had undergone and the
success which had attended the base artifices of the diabolical Jingle
»And the attack of rheumatism which I caught in that garden« said Mr
Pickwick in conclusion »renders me lame at this moment«
»I too have had something of an adventure« said Mr Winkle with a smile
and at the request of Mr Pickwick he detailed the malicious libel of the
Eatanswill Independent and the consequent excitement of their friend the
editor
Mr Pickwicks brow darkened during the recital His friends observed it
and when Mr Winkle had concluded maintained a profound silence Mr Pickwick
struck the table emphatically with his clenched fist and spoke as follows
»Is it not a wonderful circumstance« said Mr Pickwick »that we seem
destined to enter no mans house without involving him in some degree of
trouble Does it not I ask bespeak the indiscretion or worse than that the
blackness of heart that I should say so of my followers that beneath
whatever roof they locate they disturb the peace of mind and happiness of some
confiding female Is it not I say «
Mr Pickwick would in all probability have gone on for some time had not
the entrance of Sam with a letter caused him to break off in his eloquent
discourse He passed his handkerchief across his forehead took off his
spectacles wiped them and put them on again and his voice had recovered its
wonted softness of tone when he said
»What have you there Sam«
»Called at the Postoffice just now and found this here letter as has laid
there for two days« replied Mr Weller »Its sealed with a vafer and directed
in round hand«
»I dont know this hand« said Mr Pickwick opening the letter »Mercy on
us whats this It must be a jest it it cant be true«
»Whats the matter« was the general inquiry
»Nobody dead is there« said Wardle alarmed at the horror in Mr
Pickwicks countenance
Mr Pickwick made no reply but pushing the letter across the table and
desiring Mr Tupman to read it aloud fell back in his chair with a look of
vacant astonishment quite alarming to behold
Mr Tupman with a trembling voice read the letter of which the following
is a copy
Freemans Court Cornhill August 28th 1830
Bardell against Pickwick
Sir
Having been instructed by Mrs Martha Bardell to commence an action
against you for a breach of promise of marriage for which the plaintiff
lays her damages at fifteen hundred pounds we beg to inform you that a
writ has been issued against you in this suit in the Court of Common
Pleas and request to know by return of post the name of your attorney
in London who will accept service thereof
We are Sir
Your obedient servants
Dodson and Fogg
Mr Samuel Pickwick
There was something so impressive in the mute astonishment with which each man
regarded his neighbour and every man regarded Mr Pickwick that all seemed
afraid to speak The silence was at length broken by Mr Tupman
»Dodson and Fogg« he repeated mechanically
»Bardell and Pickwick« said Mr Snodgrass musing
»Peace of mind and happiness of confiding females« murmured Mr Winkle
with an air of abstraction
»Its a conspiracy« said Mr Pickwick at length recovering the power of
speech »a base conspiracy between these two grasping attorneys Dodson and
Fogg Mrs Bardell would never do it she hasnt the heart to do it she
hasnt the case to do it Ridiculous ridiculous«
»Of her heart« said Wardle with a smile »you should certainly be the best
judge I dont wish to discourage you but I should certainly say that of her
case Dodson and Fogg are far better judges than any of us can be«
»Its a vile attempt to extort money« said Mr Pickwick
»I hope it is« said Wardle with a short dry cough
»Who ever heard me address her in any way but that in which a lodger would
address his landlady« continued Mr Pickwick with great vehemence »Who ever
saw me with her Not even my friends here «
»Except on one occasion« said Mr Tupman
Mr Pickwick changed colour
»Ah« said Mr Wardle »Well thats important There was nothing suspicious
then I suppose«
Mr Tupman glanced timidly at his leader »Why« said he »there was nothing
suspicious but I dont know how it happened mind she certainly was
reclining in his arms«
»Gracious powers« ejaculated Mr Pickwick as the recollection of the scene
in question struck forcibly upon him »what a dreadful instance of the force of
circumstances So she was so she was«
»And our friend was soothing her anguish« said Mr Winkle rather
maliciously
»So I was« said Mr Pickwick »I wont deny it So I was«
»Hallo« said Wardle »for a case in which theres nothing suspicious this
looks rather queer eh Pickwick Ah sly dog sly dog« and he laughed till
the glasses on the sideboard rang again
»What a dreadful conjunction of appearances« exclaimed Mr Pickwick
resting his chin upon his hands »Winkle Tupman I beg your pardon for the
observations I made just now We are all the victims of circumstances and I the
greatest« With this apology Mr Pickwick buried his head in his hands and
ruminated while Wardle measured out a regular circle of nods and winks
addressed to the other members of the company
»Ill have it explained though« said Mr Pickwick raising his head and
hammering the table »Ill see this Dodson and Fogg Ill go to London
tomorrow«
»Not tomorrow« said Wardle »youre too lame«
»Well then next day«
»Next day is the first of September and youre pledged to ride out with us
as far as Sir Geoffrey Mannings grounds at all events and to meet us at
lunch if you dont take the field«
»Well then the day after« said Mr Pickwick »Thursday Sam«
»Sir« replied Mr Weller
»Take two places outside to London on Thursday morning for yourself and
me«
»Wery well sir«
Mr Weller left the room and departed slowly on his errand with his hands
in his pocket and his eyes fixed on the ground
»Rum feller the hemperor« said Mr Weller as he walked slowly up the
street »Think o his making up to that ere Mrs Bardell vith a little boy
too Always the vay vith these here old uns howsever as is such steady goers
to look at I didnt think hed ha done it though I didnt think hed ha
done it« Moralising in this strain Mr Samuel Weller bent his steps towards
the bookingoffice
Chapter XIX
A Pleasant Day with an Unpleasant Termination
The birds who happily for their own peace of mind and personal comfort were
in blissful ignorance of the preparations which had been making to astonish
them on the first of September hailed it no doubt as one of the pleasantest
mornings they had seen that season Many a young partridge who strutted
complacently among the stubble with all the finicking coxcombry of youth and
many an older one who watched his levity out of his little round eye with the
contemptuous air of a bird of wisdom and experience alike unconscious of their
approaching doom basked in the fresh morning air with lively and blithesome
feelings and a few hours afterwards were laid low upon the earth But we grow
affecting let us proceed
In plain commonplace matterof-fact, then it was a fine morning so fine
that you would scarcely have believed that the few months of an English summer
had yet flown by Hedges fields and trees hill and moorland presented to the
eye their evervarying shades of deep rich green scarce a leaf had fallen
scarce a sprinkle of yellow mingled with the hues of summer warned you that
autumn had begun The sky was cloudless the sun shone out bright and warm the
songs of birds and hum of myriads of summer insects filled the air and the
cottage gardens crowded with flowers of every rich and beautiful tint
sparkled in the heavy dew like beds of glittering jewels Everything bore the
stamp of summer and none of its beautiful colours had yet faded from the die
Such was the morning when an open carriage in which were three
Pickwickians Mr Snodgrass having preferred to remain at home Mr Wardle
and Mr Trundle with Sam Weller on the box beside the driver pulled up by a
gate at the roadside before which stood a tall rawboned gamekeeper and a
halfbooted leatherleggined boy each bearing a bag of capacious dimensions
and accompanied by a brace of pointers
»I say« whispered Mr Winkle to Wardle as the man let down the steps
»they dont suppose were going to kill game enough to fill those bags do
they«
»Fill them« exclaimed old Wardle »Bless you yes You shall fill one and
I the other and when weve done with them the pockets of our shootingjackets
will hold as much more«
Mr Winkle dismounted without saying anything in reply to this observation
but he thought within himself that if the party remained in the open air until
he had filled one of the bags they stood a considerable chance of catching
colds in their heads
»Hi Juno lass hi old girl down Daph down« said Wardle caressing
the dogs »Sir Geoffrey still in Scotland of course Martin«
The tall gamekeeper replied in the affirmative and looked with some
surprise from Mr Winkle who was holding his gun as if he wished his coat
pocket to save him the trouble of pulling the trigger to Mr Tupman who was
holding his as if he were afraid of it as there is no earthly reason to doubt
he really was
»My friends are not much in the way of this sort of thing yet Martin« said
Wardle noticing the look »Live and learn you know Theyll be good shots one
of these days I beg my friend Winkles pardon though he has had some
practice«
Mr Winkle smiled feebly over his blue neckerchief in acknowledgment of the
compliment and got himself so mysteriously entangled with his gun in his
modest confusion that if the piece had been loaded he must inevitably have
shot himself dead upon the spot
»You mustnt handle your piece in that ere way when you come to have the
charge in it sir« said the tall gamekeeper gruffly »or Im damned if you
wont make cold meat of some on us«
Mr Winkle thus admonished abruptly altered its position and in so doing
contrived to bring the barrel into pretty sharp contact with Mr Wellers head
»Hallo« said Sam picking up his hat which had been knocked off and
rubbing his temple »Hallo sir if you comes it this vay youll fill one o
them bags and something to spare at one fire«
Here the leatherleggined boy laughed very heartily and then tried to look
as if it was somebody else whereat Mr Winkle frowned majestically
»Where did you tell the boy to meet us with the snack Martin« inquired
Wardle
»Side of Onetree Hill at twelve oclock sir«
»Thats not Sir Geoffreys land is it«
»No sir but its close by it Its Captain Boldwigs land but therell be
nobody to interrupt us and theres a fine bit of turf there«
»Very well« said old Wardle »Now the sooner were off the better Will you
join us at twelve then Pickwick«
Mr Pickwick was particularly desirous to view the sport the more
especially as he was rather anxious in respect of Mr Winkles life and limbs
On so inviting a morning too it was very tantalising to turn back and leave
his friends to enjoy themselves It was therefore with a very rueful air that
he replied
»Why I suppose I must«
»Ant the gentleman a shot sir« inquired the long gamekeeper
»No« replied Wardle »and hes lame besides«
»I should very much like to go« said Mr Pickwick »very much«
There was a short pause of commiseration
»Theres a barrow tother side the hedge« said the boy »If the gentlemans
servant would wheel along the paths he could keep nigh us and we could lift it
over the stiles and that«
»The wery thing« said Mr Weller who was a party interested inasmuch as
he ardently longed to see the sport »The wery thing Well said Smallcheck
Ill have it out in a minute«
But here a difficulty arose The long gamekeeper resolutely protested
against the introduction into a shooting party of a gentleman in a barrow as a
gross violation of all established rules and precedents
It was a great objection but not an insurmountable one The gamekeeper
having been coaxed and feed and having moreover eased his mind by punching
the head of the inventive youth who had first suggested the use of the machine
Mr Pickwick was placed in it and off the party set Wardle and the long
gamekeeper leading the way and Mr Pickwick in the barrow propelled by Sam
bringing up the rear
»Stop Sam« said Mr Pickwick when they had got half across the first
field
»Whats the matter now« said Wardle
»I wont suffer this barrow to be moved another step« said Mr Pickwick
resolutely »unless Winkle carries that gun of his in a different manner«
»How am I to carry it« said the wretched Winkle
»Carry it with the muzzle to the ground« replied Mr Pickwick
»Its so unsportsmanlike« reasoned Winkle
»I dont care whether its unsportsmanlike or not« replied Mr Pickwick
»I am not going to be shot in a wheelbarrow for the sake of appearances to
please anybody«
»I know the gentleman ll put that ere charge into somebody afore hes
done« growled the long man
»Well well I dont mind« said poor Winkle turning his gunstock
uppermost »there«
»Anythin for a quiet life« said Mr Weller and on they went again
»Stop« said Mr Pickwick after they had gone a few yards further
»What now« said Wardle
»That gun of Tupmans is not safe I know it isnt« said Mr Pickwick
»Eh What not safe« said Mr Tupman in a tone of great alarm
»Not as you are carrying it« said Mr Pickwick »I am very sorry to make
any further objection but I cannot consent to go on unless you carry it as
Winkle does his«
»I think you had better sir« said the long gamekeeper »or youre quite as
likely to lodge the charge in yourself as in anything else«
Mr Tupman with the most obliging haste placed his piece in the position
required and the party moved on again the two amateurs marching with reversed
arms like a couple of privates at a royal funeral
The dogs suddenly came to a dead stop and the party advancing stealthily a
single pace stopped too
»Whats the matter with the dogs legs« whispered Mr Winkle »How queer
theyre standing«
»Hush cant you« replied Wardle softly »Dont you see theyre making a
point«
»Making a point« said Mr Winkle staring about him as if he expected to
discover some particular beauty in the landscape which the sagacious animals
were calling special attention to »Making a point What are they pointing at«
»Keep your eyes open« said Wardle not heeding the question in the
excitement of the moment »Now then«
There was a sharp whirringnoise that made Mr Winkle start back as if he
had been shot himself Bang bang went a couple of guns the smoke swept
quickly away over the field and curled into the air
»Where are they« said Mr Winkle in a state of the highest excitement
turning round and round in all directions »Where are they Tell me when to
fire Where are they where are they«
»Where are they« said Wardle taking up a brace of birds which the dogs had
deposited at his feet »Why here they are«
»No no I mean the others« said the bewildered Winkle
»Far enough off by this time« replied Wardle coolly reloading his gun
»We shall very likely be up with another covey in five minutes« said the
long gamekeeper »If the gentleman begins to fire now perhaps hell just get
the shot out of the barrel by the time they rise«
»Ha ha ha« roared Mr Weller
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick compassionating his followers confusion and
embarrassment
»Sir«
»Dont laugh«
»Certainly not sir« So by way of indemnification Mr Weller contorted
his features from behind the wheelbarrow for the exclusive amusement of the boy
with the leggings who thereupon burst into a boisterous laugh and was
summarily cuffed by the long gamekeeper who wanted a pretext for turning round
to hide his own merriment
»Bravo old fellow« said Wardle to Mr Tupman »you fired that time at all
events«
»Oh yes« replied Mr Tupman with conscious pride »I let it off«
»Well done Youll hit something next time if you look sharp Very easy
aint it«
»Yes its very easy« said Mr Tupman »How it hurts ones shoulder
though It nearly knocked me backwards I had no idea these small firearms
kicked so«
»Ah« said the old gentleman smiling »youll get used to it in time Now
then all ready all right with the barrow there«
»All right sir« replied Mr Weller
»Come along then«
»Hold hard sir« said Sam raising the barrow
»Aye aye« replied Mr Pickwick and on they went as briskly as need be
»Keep that barrow back now« cried Wardle when it had been hoisted over a
stile into another field and Mr Pickwick had been deposited in it once more
»All right sir« replied Mr Weller pausing
»Now Winkle« said the old gentleman »follow me softly and dont be too
late this time«
»Never fear« said Mr Winkle »Are they pointing«
»No no not now Quietly now quietly« On they crept and very quietly
they would have advanced if Mr Winkle in the performance of some very
intricate evolutions with his gun had not accidentally fired at the most
critical moment over the boys head exactly in the very spot where the tall
mans brain would have been had he been there instead
»Why what on earth did you do that for« said old Wardle as the birds flew
unharmed away
»I never saw such a gun in my life« replied poor Mr Winkle looking at the
lock as if that would do any good »It goes off of its own accord It will do
it«
»Will do it« echoed Wardle with something of irritation in his manner »I
wish it would kill something of its own accord«
»Itll do that afore long sir« observed the tall man in a low prophetic
voice
»What do you mean by that observation sir« inquired Mr Winkle angrily
»Never mind sir never mind« replied the long gamekeeper »Ive no family
myself sir and this here boys mother will get something handsome from Sir
Geoffrey if hes killed on his land Load again sir load again«
»Take away his gun« cried Mr Pickwick from the barrow horrorstricken at
the long mans dark insinuations »Take away his gun do you hear somebody«
Nobody however volunteered to obey the command and Mr Winkle after
darting a rebellious glance at Mr Pickwick reloaded his gun and proceeded
onwards with the rest
We are bound on the authority of Mr Pickwick to state that Mr Tupmans
mode of proceeding evinced far more of prudence and deliberation than that
adopted by Mr Winkle Still this by no means detracts from the great authority
of the latter gentleman on all matters connected with the field because as
Mr Pickwick beautifully observes it has somehow or other happened from time
immemorial that many of the best and ablest philosophers who have been perfect
lights of science in matters of theory have been wholly unable to reduce them
to practice
Mr Tupmans process like many of our most sublime discoveries was
extremely simple With the quickness and penetration of a man of genius he had
at once observed that the two great points to be attained were first to
discharge his piece without injury to himself and secondly to do so without
danger to the bystanders obviously the best thing to do after surmounting
the difficulty of firing at all was to shut his eyes firmly and fire into the
air
On one occasion after performing this feat Mr Tupman on opening his
eyes beheld a plump partridge in the act of falling wounded to the ground He
was on the point of congratulating Mr Wardle on his invariable success when
that gentleman advanced towards him and grasped him warmly by the hand
»Tupman« said the old gentleman »you singled out that particular bird«
»No« said Mr Tupman »no«
»You did« said Wardle »I saw you do it I observed you pick him out I
noticed you as you raised your piece to take aim and I will say this that the
best shot in existence could not have done it more beautifully You are an older
hand at this than I thought you Tupman you have been out before«
It was in vain for Mr Tupman to protest with a smile of self-denial that
he never had The very smile was taken as evidence to the contrary and from
that time forth his reputation was established It is not the only reputation
that has been acquired as easily nor are such fortunate circumstances confined
to partridgeshooting
Meanwhile Mr Winkle flashed and blazed and smoked away without
producing any material results worthy of being noted down sometimes expending
his charge in midair and at others sending it skimming along so near the
surface of the ground as to place the lives of the two dogs on a rather
uncertain and precarious tenure As a display of fancy shooting it was
extremely varied and curious as an exhibition of firing with any precise
object it was upon the whole perhaps a failure It is an established axiom
that every bullet has its billet If it apply in an equal degree to shot those
of Mr Winkle were unfortunate foundlings deprived of their natural rights
cast loose upon the world and billeted nowhere
»Well« said Wardle walking up to the side of the barrow and wiping the
streams of perspiration from his jolly red face »smoking day isnt it«
»It is indeed« replied Mr Pickwick »The sun is tremendously hot even to
me I dont know how you must feel it«
»Why« said the old gentleman »pretty hot Its past twelve though You see
that green hill there«
»Certainly«
»Thats the place where we are to lunch and by Jove theres the boy with
the basket punctual as clockwork«
»So he is« said Mr Pickwick brightening up »Good boy that Ill give
him a shilling presently Now then Sam wheel away«
»Hold on sir« said Mr Weller invigorated with the prospect of
refreshments »Out of the vay young leathers If you walley my precious life
dont upset me as the genlmn said to the driver when they was a carryin him
to Tyburn« And quickening his pace to a sharp run Mr Weller wheeled his
master nimbly to the green hill shot him dexterously out by the very side of
the basket and proceeded to unpack it with the utmost dispatch
»Weal pie« said Mr Weller soliloquising as he arranged the eatables on
the grass »Wery good thing is weal pie when you know the lady as made it and
is quite sure it ant kittens and arter all though wheres the odds when
theyre so like weal that the wery piemen themselves dont know the difference«
»Dont they Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»Not they sir« replied Mr Weller touching his hat »I lodged in the same
house vith a pieman once sir and a wery nice man he was reglar clever chap
too make pies out o anything he could What a number o cats you keep Mr
Brooks says I when Id got intimate with him Ah says he I do a good many
says he You must be wery fond o cats says I Other people is says he a
winkin at me they ant in season till the winter though says he Not in
season says I No says he fruits is in cats is out Why what do you mean
says I Mean says he That Ill never be a party to the combination o the
butchers to keep up the prices o meat says he Mr Weller says he a
squeezing my hand wery hard and vispering in my ear dont mention this here
agin but its the seasonin as does it Theyre all made o them noble
animals says he a pointin to a wery nice little tabby kitten and I seasons
em for beefsteak weal or kidney cordin to the demand And more than that
says he I can make a weal a beefsteak or a beefsteak a kidney or any one on
em a mutton at a minutes notice just as the market changes and appetites
wary«
»He must have been a very ingenious young man that Sam« said Mr
Pickwick with a slight shudder
»Just was sir« replied Mr Weller continuing his occupation of emptying
the basket »and the pies was beautiful Tongue well thats a wery good thing
when it ant a womans Bread knuckle o ham reglar picter cold beef in
slices wery good Whats in them stone jars young touchandgo«
»Beer in this one« replied the boy taking from his shoulder a couple of
large stone bottles fastened together by a leathern strap »cold punch in
tother«
»And a wery good notion of a lunch it is take it altogether« said Mr
Weller surveying his arrangement of the repast with great satisfaction »Now
genlmn fall on as the English said to the French when they fixed
bagginets«
It needed no second invitation to induce the party to yield full justice to
the meal and as little pressing did it require to induce Mr Weller the long
gamekeeper and the two boys to station themselves on the grass at a little
distance and do good execution upon a decent proportion of the viands An old
oak afforded a pleasant shelter to the group and a rich prospect of arable and
meadow land intersected with luxuriant hedges and richly ornamented with wood
lay spread out below them
»This is delightful thoroughly delightful« said Mr Pickwick the skin of
whose expressive countenance was rapidly peeling off with exposure to the sun
»So it is so it is old fellow« replied Wardle »Come a glass of punch«
»With great pleasure« said Mr Pickwick the satisfaction of whose
countenance after drinking it bore testimony to the sincerity of the reply
»Good« said Mr Pickwick smacking his lips »Very good Ill take another
Cool very cool Come gentlemen« continued Mr Pickwick still retaining his
hold upon the jar »a toast Our friends at Dingley Dell«
The toast was drunk with loud acclamations
»Ill tell you what I shall do to get up my shooting again« said Mr
Winkle who was eating bread and ham with a pocketknife »Ill put a stuffed
partridge on the top of a post and practise at it beginning at a short
distance and lengthening it by degrees I understand its capital practice«
»I know a genlman sir« said Mr Weller »as did that and begun at two
yards but he never tried it on agin for he blowed the bird right clean away at
the first fire and nobody ever seed a feather on him arterwards«
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»Sir« replied Mr Weller
»Have the goodness to reserve your anecdotes till they are called for«
»Certnly sir«
Here Mr Weller winked the eye which was not concealed by the beercan he
was raising to his lips with such exquisiteness that the two boys went into
spontaneous convulsions and even the long man condescended to smile
»Well that certainly is most capital cold punch« said Mr Pickwick looking
earnestly at the stone bottle »and the day is extremely warm and Tupman my
dear friend a glass of punch«
»With the greatest delight« replied Mr Tupman and having drank that
glass Mr Pickwick took another just to see whether there was any orange peel
in the punch because orange peel always disagreed with him and finding that
there was not Mr Pickwick took another glass to the health of their absent
friend and then felt himself imperatively called upon to propose another in
honour of the punchcompounder unknown
This constant succession of glasses produced considerable effect upon Mr
Pickwick his countenance beamed with the most sunny smiles laughter played
around his lips and goodhumoured merriment twinkled in his eye Yielding by
degrees to the influence of the exciting liquid rendered more so by the heat
Mr Pickwick expressed a strong desire to recollect a song which he had heard in
his infancy and the attempt proving abortive sought to stimulate his memory
with more glasses of punch which appeared to have quite a contrary effect for
from forgetting the words of the song he began to forget how to articulate any
words at all and finally after rising to his legs to address the company in an
eloquent speech he fell into the barrow and fast asleep simultaneously
The basket having been repacked and it being found perfectly impossible to
awaken Mr Pickwick from his torpor some discussion took place whether it would
be better for Mr Weller to wheel his master back again or to leave him where
he was until they should all be ready to return The latter course was at
length decided on and as the further expedition was not to exceed an hours
duration and as Mr Weller begged very hard to be one of the party it was
determined to leave Mr Pickwick asleep in the barrow and to call for him on
their return So away they went leaving Mr Pickwick snoring most comfortably
in the shade
That Mr Pickwick would have continued to snore in the shade until his
friends came back or in default thereof until the shades of evening had
fallen on the landscape there appears no reasonable cause to doubt always
supposing that he had been suffered to remain there in peace But he was not
suffered to remain there in peace And this was what prevented him
Captain Boldwig was a little fierce man in a stiff black neckerchief and
blue surtout who when he did condescend to walk about his property did it in
company with a thick rattan stick with a brass ferrule and a gardener and
subgardener with meek faces to whom the gardeners not the stick Captain
Boldwig gave his orders with all due grandeur and ferocity for Captain
Boldwigs wifes sister had married a Marquis and the Captains house was a
villa and his land grounds and it was all very high and mighty and great
Mr Pickwick had not been asleep half an hour when little Captain Boldwig
followed by the two gardeners came striding along as fast as his size and
importance would let him and when he came near the oak tree Captain Boldwig
paused and drew a long breath and looked at the prospect as if he thought the
prospect ought to be highly gratified at having him to take notice of it and
then he struck the ground emphatically with his stick and summoned the
headgardener
»Hunt« said Captain Boldwig
»Yes sir« said the gardener
»Roll this place tomorrow morning do you hear Hunt«
»Yes sir«
»And take care that you keep me this place in good order do you hear
Hunt«
»Yes sir«
»And remind me to have a board done about trespassers and spring guns and
all that sort of thing to keep the common people out Do you hear Hunt do you
hear«
»Ill not forget it sir«
»I beg your pardon sir« said the other man advancing with his hand to
his hat
»Well Wilkins whats the matter with you« said Captain Boldwig
»I beg your pardon sir but I think there have been trespassers here
today«
»Ha« said the Captain scowling around him
»Yes sir they have been dining here I think sir«
»Why confound their audacity so they have« said Captain Boldwig as the
crumbs and fragments that were strewn upon the grass met his eye »They have
actually been devouring their food here I wish I had the vagabonds here« said
the Captain clenching the thick stick
»I wish I had the vagabonds here« said the Captain wrathfully
»Beg your pardon sir« said Wilkins »but «
»But what Eh« roared the Captain and following the timid glance of
Wilkins his eyes encountered the wheelbarrow and Mr Pickwick
»Who are you you rascal« said the Captain administering several pokes to
Mr Pickwicks body with the thick stick »Whats your name«
»Cold punch« murmured Mr Pickwick as he sunk to sleep again
»What« demanded Captain Boldwig
No reply
»What did he say his name was« asked the Captain
»Punch I think sir« replied Wilkins
»Thats his impudence thats his confounded impudence« said Captain
Boldwig »Hes only feigning to be asleep now« said the Captain in a high
passion »Hes drunk hes a drunken plebeian Wheel him away Wilkins wheel
him away directly«
»Where shall I wheel him to sir« inquired Wilkins with great timidity
»Wheel him to the Devil« replied Captain Boldwig
»Very well sir« said Wilkins
»Stay« said the Captain
Wilkins stopped accordingly
»Wheel him« said the Captain »wheel him to the pound and let us see
whether he calls himself Punch when he comes to himself He shall not bully me
he shall not bully me Wheel him away«
Away Mr Pickwick was wheeled in compliance with this imperious mandate and
the great Captain Boldwig swelling with indignation proceeded on his walk
Inexpressible was the astonishment of the little party when they returned
to find that Mr Pickwick had disappeared and taken the wheelbarrow with him
It was the most mysterious and unaccountable thing that was ever heard of For a
lame man to have got upon his legs without any previous notice and walked off
would have been most extraordinary but when it came to his wheeling a heavy
barrow before him by way of amusement it grew positively miraculous They
searched every nook and corner round together and separately they shouted
whistled laughed called and all with the same result Mr Pickwick was not
to be found After some hours of fruitless search they arrived at the unwelcome
conclusion that they must go home without him
Meanwhile Mr Pickwick had been wheeled to the Pound and safely deposited
therein fast asleep in the wheelbarrow to the immeasurable delight and
satisfaction not only of all the boys in the village but threefourths of the
whole population who had gathered round in expectation of his waking If their
most intense gratification had been excited by seeing him wheeled in how many
hundredfold was their joy increased when after a few indistinct cries of »Sam«
he sat up in the barrow and gazed with indescribable astonishment on the faces
before him
A general shout was of course the signal of his having woke up and his
involuntary inquiry of »Whats the matter« occasioned another louder than the
first if possible
»Heres a game« roared the populace
»Where am I« exclaimed Mr Pickwick
»In the Pound« replied the mob
»How came I here What was I doing Where was I brought from«
»Boldwig Captain Boldwig« was the only reply
»Let me out« cried Mr Pickwick »Wheres my servant Where are my
friends«
»You ant got no friends Hurrah« Then there came a turnip then a potato
and then an egg with a few other little tokens of the playful disposition of
the manyheaded
How long this scene might have lasted or how much Mr Pickwick might have
suffered no one can tell had not a carriage which was driving swiftly by
suddenly pulled up from whence there descended old Wardle and Sam Weller the
former of whom in far less time than it takes to write it if not to read it
had made his way to Mr Pickwicks side and placed him in the vehicle just as
the latter had concluded the third and last round of a single combat with the
townbeadle
»Run to the Justices« cried a dozen voices
»Ah run avay« said Mr Weller jumping up on the box »Give my compliments
Mr Vellers compliments to the Justice and tell him Ive spiled his
beadle and that if hell svear in a new un Ill come back agin tomorrow and
spile him Drive on old feller«
»Ill give directions for the commencement of an action for false
imprisonment against this Captain Boldwig directly I get to London« said Mr
Pickwick as soon as the carriage turned out of the town
»We were trespassing it seems« said Wardle
»I dont care« said Mr Pickwick »Ill bring the action«
»No you wont« said Wardle
»I will by « but as there was a humorous expression in Wardles face Mr
Pickwick checked himself and said »Why not«
»Because« said old Wardle halfbursting with laughter »because they might
turn round on some of us and say we had taken too much cold punch«
Do what he would a smile would come into Mr Pickwicks face the smile
extended into a laugh the laugh into a roar the roar became general So to
keep up their good humour they stopped at the first roadside tavern they came
to and ordered a glass of brandy and water all round with a magnum of extra
strength for Mr Samuel Weller
Chapter XX
Showing How Dodson and Fogg Were Men of Business and Their Clerks Men of
Pleasure and How an Affecting Interview Took Place between Mr Weller and His
LongLost Parent Showing Also What Choice Spirits Assembled at the Magpie and
Stump and What a Capital Chapter the Next One Will Be
In the groundfloor front of a dingy house at the very furthest end of
Freemans Court Cornhill sat the four clerks of Messrs Dodson and Fogg two
of his Majestys Attorneys of the Courts of Kings Bench and Common Pleas at
Westminster and solicitors of the High Court of Chancery the aforesaid clerks
catching as favourable glimpses of Heavens light and Heavens sun in the
course of their daily labours as a man might hope to do were he placed at the
bottom of a reasonably deep well and without the opportunity of perceiving the
stars in the daytime which the latter secluded situation affords
The clerks office of Messrs Dodson and Fogg was a dark mouldy
earthysmelling room with a high wainscotted partition to screen the clerks
from the vulgar gaze a couple of old wooden chairs a very loudticking clock
an almanack an umbrellastand a row of hatpegs and a few shelves on which
were deposited several ticketed bundles of dirty papers some old deal boxes
with paper labels and sundry decayed stone ink bottles of various shapes and
sizes There was a glass door leading into the passage which formed the entrance
to the court and on the outer side of this glass door Mr Pickwick closely
followed by Sam Weller presented himself on the Friday morning succeeding the
occurrence of which a faithful narration is given in the last chapter
»Come in cant you« cried a voice from behind the partition in reply to
Mr Pickwicks gentle tap at the door And Mr Pickwick and Sam entered
accordingly
»Mr Dodson or Mr Fogg at home sir« inquired Mr Pickwick gently
advancing hat in hand towards the partition
»Mr Dodson aint at home and Mr Foggs particularly engaged« replied the
voice and at the same time the head to which the voice belonged with a pen
behind its ear looked over the partition and at Mr Pickwick
It was a ragged head the sandy hair of which scrupulously parted on one
side and flattened down with pomatum was twisted into little semicircular
tails round a flat face ornamented with a pair of small eyes and garnished with
a very dirty shirt collar and a rusty black stock
»Mr Dodson aint at home and Mr Foggs particularly engaged« said the
man to whom the head belonged
»When will Mr Dodson be back sir« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Cant say«
»Will it be long before Mr Fogg is disengaged sir«
»Dont know«
Here the man proceeded to mend his pen with great deliberation while
another clerk who was mixing a Seidlitz powder under cover of the lid of his
desk laughed approvingly
»I think Ill wait« said Mr Pickwick There was no reply so Mr Pickwick
sat down unbidden and listened to the loud ticking of the clock and the
murmured conversation of the clerks
»That was a game wasnt it« said one of the gentlemen in a brown coat and
brass buttons inky drabs and bluchers at the conclusion of some inaudible
relation of his previous evenings adventures
»Devilish good devilish good« said the Seidlitzpowder man
»Tom Cummins was in the chair« said the man with the brown coat »It was
halfpast four when I got to Somers Town and then I was so uncommon lushey
that I couldnt find the place where the latchkey went in and was obliged to
knock up the old ooman I say I wonder what old Fogg ud say if he knew it I
should get the sack I spose eh«
At this humorous notion all the clerks laughed in concert
»There was such a game with Fogg here this mornin« said the man in the
brown coat »while Jack was up stairs sorting the papers and you two were gone
to the stampoffice Fogg was down here opening the letters when that chap as
we issued the writ against at Camberwell you know came in whats his name
again«
»Ramsey« said the clerk who had spoken to Mr Pickwick
»Ah Ramsey a precious seedylooking customer Well sir says old Fogg
looking at him very fierce you know his way well sir have you come to
settle Yes I have sir said Ramsey putting his hand in his pocket and
bringing out the money the debts two pound ten and the costs three pound
five and here it is sir and he sighed like bricks as he lugged out the
money done up in a bit of blottingpaper Old Fogg looked first at the money
and then at him and then he coughed in his rum way so that I knew something
was coming You dont know theres a declaration filed which increases the
costs materially I suppose said Fogg You dont say that sir said Ramsey
starting back the time was only out last night sir I do say it though said
Fogg my clerks just gone to file it Hasnt Mr Jackson gone to file that
declaration in Bullman and Ramsey Mr Wicks Of course I said yes and then
Fogg coughed again and looked at Ramsey My God said Ramsey and here have I
nearly driven myself mad scraping this money together and all to no purpose
None at all said Fogg coolly so you had better go back and scrape some more
together and bring it here in time I cant get it by God said Ramsey
striking the desk with his fist Dont bully me sir said Fogg getting into a
passion on purpose I am not bullying you sir said Ramsey You are said Fogg
get out sir get out of this office sir and come back sir when you know how
to behave yourself Well Ramsey tried to speak but Fogg wouldnt let him so
he put the money in his pocket and sneaked out The door was scarcely shut
when old Fogg turned round to me with a sweet smile on his face and drew the
declaration out of his coat pocket Here Wicks says Fogg take a cab and go
down to the Temple as quick as you can and file that The costs are quite safe
for hes a steady man with a large family at a salary of fiveandtwenty
shillings a week and if he gives us a warrant of attorney as he must in the
end I know his employers will see it paid so we may as well get all we can out
of him Mr Wicks its a Christian act to do it Mr Wicks for with his large
family and small income hell be all the better for a good lesson against
getting into debt wont he Mr Wicks wont he and he smiled so
goodnaturedly as he went away that it was delightful to see him He is a
capital man of business said Wicks in a tone of the deepest admiration
capital isnt he«
The other three cordially subscribed to this opinion and the anecdote
afforded the most unlimited satisfaction
»Nice men these here sir« whispered Mr Weller to his master »wery nice
notion of fun they has sir«
Mr Pickwick nodded assent and coughed to attract the attention of the
young gentlemen behind the partition who having now relaxed their minds by a
little conversation among themselves condescended to take some notice of the
stranger
»I wonder whether Foggs disengaged now« said Jackson
»Ill see« said Wicks dismounting leisurely from his stool »What name
shall I tell Mr Fogg«
»Pickwick« replied the illustrious subject of these memoirs
Mr Jackson departed up stairs on his errand and immediately returned with
a message that Mr Fogg would see Mr Pickwick in five minutes and having
delivered it returned again to his desk
»What did he say his name was« whispered Wicks
»Pickwick« replied Jackson »its the defendant in Bardell and Pickwick«
A sudden scraping of feet mingled with the sound of suppressed laughter
was heard from behind the partition
»Theyre a twiggin of you sir« whispered Mr Weller
»Twigging of me Sam« replied Mr Pickwick »what do you mean by twigging
me«
Mr Weller replied by pointing with his thumb over his shoulder and Mr
Pickwick on looking up became sensible of the pleasing fact that all the four
clerks with countenances expressive of the utmost amusement and with their
heads thrust over the wooden screen were minutely inspecting the figure and
general appearance of the supposed trifler with female hearts and disturber of
female happiness On his looking up the row of heads suddenly disappeared and
the sound of pens travelling at a furious rate over paper immediately
succeeded
A sudden ring at the bell which hung in the office summoned Mr Jackson to
the apartment of Fogg from whence he came back to say that he Fogg was ready
to see Mr Pickwick if he would step up stairs
Up stairs Mr Pickwick did step accordingly leaving Sam Weller below The
room door of the onepair back bore inscribed in legible characters the
imposing words Mr Fogg and having tapped thereat and been desired to come
in Jackson ushered Mr Pickwick into the presence
»Is Mr Dodson in« inquired Mr Fogg
»Just come in sir« replied Jackson
»Ask him to step here«
»Yes sir« Exit Jackson
»Take a seat sir« said Fogg »there is the paper sir my partner will be
here directly and we can converse about this matter sir«
Mr Pickwick took a seat and the paper but instead of reading the latter
peeped over the top of it and took a survey of the man of business who was an
elderly pimplyfaced vegetablediet sort of man in a black coat dark mixture
trousers and small black gaiters a kind of being who seemed to be an essential
part of the desk at which he was writing and to have as much thought or
sentiment
After a few minutes silence Mr Dodson a plump portly sternlooking
man with a loud voice appeared and the conversation commenced
»This is Mr Pickwick« said Fogg
»Ah You are the defendant sir in Bardell and Pickwick« said Dodson
»I am sir« replied Mr Pickwick
»Well sir« said Dodson »and what do you propose«
»Ah« said Fogg thrusting his hands into his trousers pockets and
throwing himself back in his chair »what do you propose Mr Pickwick«
»Hush Fogg« said Dodson »let me hear what Mr Pickwick has to say«
»I came gentlemen« said Mr Pickwick gazing placidly on the two partners
»I came here gentlemen to express the surprise with which I received your
letter of the other day and to inquire what grounds of action you can have
against me«
»Grounds of « Fogg had ejaculated this much when he was stopped by Dodson
»Mr Fogg« said Dodson »I am going to speak«
»I beg your pardon Mr Dodson« said Fogg
»For the grounds of action sir« continued Dodson with moral elevation in
his air »you will consult your own conscience and your own feelings We sir
we are guided entirely by the statement of our client That statement sir may
be true or it may be false it may be credible or it may be incredible but
if it be true and if it be credible I do not hesitate to say sir that our
grounds of action sir are strong and not to be shaken You may be an
unfortunate man sir or you may be a designing one but if I were called upon
as a juryman upon my oath sir to express an opinion of your conduct sir I do
not hesitate to assert that I should have but one opinion about it« Here Dodson
drew himself up with an air of offended virtue and looked at Fogg who thrust
his hands further in his pockets and nodding his head sagely said in a tone
of the fullest concurrence »Most certainly«
»Well sir« said Mr Pickwick with considerable pain depicted in his
countenance »you will permit me to assure you that I am a most unfortunate
man so far as this case is concerned«
»I hope you are sir« replied Dodson »I trust you may be sir If you are
really innocent of what is laid to your charge you are more unfortunate than I
had believed any man could possibly be What do you say Mr Fogg«
»I say precisely what you say« replied Fogg with a smile of incredulity
»The writ sir which commences the action« continued Dodson »was issued
regularly Mr Fogg where is the proecipe book«
»Here it is« said Fogg handing over a square book with a parchment cover
»Here is the entry« resumed Dodson »Middlesex Capias Martha Bardell
widow v Samuel Pickwick Damages £1500 Dodson and Fogg for the plaintiff
Aug 28 1830 All regular sir perfectly« Dodson coughed and looked at Fogg
who said »Perfectly« also And then they both looked at Mr Pickwick
»I am to understand then« said Mr Pickwick »that it really is your
intention to proceed with this action«
»Understand sir That you certainly may« replied Dodson with something as
near a smile as his importance would allow
»And that the damages are actually laid at fifteen hundred pounds« said Mr
Pickwick
»To which understanding you may add my assurance that if we could have
prevailed upon our client they would have been laid at treble the amount sir«
replied Dodson
»I believe Mrs Bardell specially said however« observed Fogg glancing at
Dodson »that she would not compromise for a farthing less«
»Unquestionably« replied Dodson sternly For the action was only just
begun and it wouldnt have done to let Mr Pickwick compromise it then even if
he had been so disposed
»As you offer no terms sir« said Dodson displaying a slip of parchment in
his right hand and affectionately pressing a paper copy of it on Mr Pickwick
with his left »I had better serve you with a copy of this writ sir Here is
the original sir«
»Very well gentlemen very well« said Mr Pickwick rising in person and
wrath at the same time »you shall hear from my solicitor gentlemen«
»We shall be very happy to do so« said Fogg rubbing his hands
»Very« said Dodson opening the door
»And before I go gentlemen« said the excited Mr Pickwick turning round
on the landing »permit me to say that of all the disgraceful and rascally
proceedings «
»Stay sir stay« interposed Dodson with great politeness »Mr Jackson
Mr Wicks«
»Sir« said the two clerks appearing at the bottom of the stairs
»I merely want you to hear what this gentleman says« replied Dodson »Pray
go on sir disgraceful and rascally proceedings I think you said«
»I did« said Mr Pickwick thoroughly roused »I said sir that of all the
disgraceful and rascally proceedings that ever were attempted this is the most
so I repeat it sir«
»You hear that Mr Wicks« said Dodson
»You wont forget these expressions Mr Jackson« said Fogg
»Perhaps you would like to call us swindlers sir« said Dodson »Pray do
sir if you feel disposed now pray do sir«
»I do« said Mr Pickwick »You are swindlers«
»Very good« said Dodson »You can hear down there I hope Mr Wicks«
»Oh yes sir« said Wicks
»You had better come up a step or two higher if you cant« added Mr Fogg
»Go on sir do go on You had better call us thieves sir or perhaps you would
like to assault one of us Pray do it sir if you would we will not make the
smallest resistance Pray do it sir«
As Fogg put himself very temptingly within the reach of Mr Pickwicks
clenched fist there is little doubt that that gentleman would have complied
with his earnest entreaty but for the interposition of Sam who hearing the
dispute emerged from the office mounted the stairs and seized his master by
the arm
»You just come avay« said Mr Weller »Battledore and shuttlecocks a wery
good game vhen you ant the shuttlecock and two lawyers the battledores in
which case it gets too excitin to be pleasant Come avay sir If you want to
ease your mind by blowing up somebody come out into the court and blow up me
but its rayther too expensive work to be carried on here«
And without the slightest ceremony Mr Weller hauled his master down the
stairs and down the court and having safely deposited him in Cornhill fell
behind prepared to follow whithersoever he should lead
Mr Pickwick walked on abstractedly crossed opposite the Mansion House and
bent his steps up Cheapside Sam began to wonder where they were going when his
master turned round and said
»Sam I will go immediately to Mr Perkers«
»Thats just exactly the wery place vere you ought to have gone last night
sir« replied Mr Weller
»I think it is Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»I know it is« said Mr Weller
»Well well Sam« replied Mr Pickwick »we will go there at once but
first as I have been rather ruffled I should like a glass of brandy and water
warm Sam Where can I have it Sam«
Mr Wellers knowledge of London was extensive and peculiar He replied
without the slightest consideration
»Second court on the right hand side last house but vun on the same side
the vay take the box as stands in the first fireplace cos there ant no leg
in the middle o the table wich all the others has and its wery
inconwenient«
Mr Pickwick observed his valets directions implicitly and bidding Sam
follow him entered the tavern he had pointed out where the hot brandy and
water was speedily placed before him while Mr Weller seated at a respectful
distance though at the same table with his master was accommodated with a pint
of porter
The room was one of a very homely description and was apparently under the
especial patronage of stage coachmen for several gentlemen who had all the
appearance of belonging to that learned profession were drinking and smoking in
the different boxes Among the number was one stout redfaced elderly man in
particular seated in an opposite box who attracted Mr Pickwicks attention
The stout man was smoking with great vehemence but between every halfdozen
puffs he took his pipe from his mouth and looked first at Mr Weller and then
at Mr Pickwick Then he would bury in a quart pot as much of his countenance
as the dimensions of the quart pot admitted of its receiving and take another
look at Sam and Mr Pickwick Then he would take another halfdozen puffs with
an air of profound meditation and look at them again At last the stout man
putting up his legs on the seat and leaning his back against the wall began to
puff at his pipe without leaving off at all and to stare through the smoke at
the new comers as if he had made up his mind to see the most he could of them
At first the evolutions of the stout man had escaped Mr Wellers
observation but by degrees as he saw Mr Pickwicks eyes every now and then
turning towards him he began to gaze in the same direction at the same time
shading his eyes with his hand as if he partially recognised the object before
him and wished to make quite sure of its identity His doubts were speedily
dispelled however for the stout man having blown a thick cloud from his pipe
a hoarse voice like some strange effort of ventriloquism emerged from beneath
the capacious shawls which muffled his throat and chest and slowly uttered
these sounds »Wy Sammy«
»Whos that Sam« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Why I wouldnt ha believed it sir« replied Mr Weller with astonished
eyes »Its the old un«
»Old one« said Mr Pickwick »What old one«
»My father sir« replied Mr Weller »How are you my ancient« With which
beautiful ebullition of filial affection Mr Weller made room on the seat
beside him for the stout man who advanced pipe in mouth and pot in hand to
greet him
»Wy Sammy« said the father »I hant seen you for two year and better«
»Nor more you have old codger« replied the son »Hows mother in law«
»Wy Ill tell you what Sammy« said Mr Weller senior with much
solemnity in his manner »there never was a nicer woman as a widder than that
ere second wentur o mine a sweet creetur she was Sammy all I can say on
her now is that as she was such an uncommon pleasant widder its a great pity
she ever changed her condition She dont act as a vife Sammy«
»Dont she though« inquired Mr Weller junior
The elder Mr Weller shook his head as he replied with a sigh »Ive done
it once too often Sammy Ive done it once too often Take example by your
father my boy and be wery careful o widders all your life specially if
theyve kept a publichouse Sammy« Having delivered this parental advice with
great pathos Mr Weller senior refilled his pipe from a tin box he carried in
his pocket and lighting his fresh pipe from the ashes of the old one
commenced smoking at a great rate
»Beg your pardon sir« he said renewing the subject and addressing Mr
Pickwick after a considerable pause »nothin personal I hope sir I hope you
hant got a widder sir«
»Not I« replied Mr Pickwick laughing and while Mr Pickwick laughed Sam
Weller informed his parent in a whisper of the relation in which he stood
towards that gentleman
»Beg your pardon sir« said Mr Weller senior taking off his hat »I hope
youve no fault to find with Sammy sir«
»None whatever« said Mr Pickwick
»Wery glad to hear it sir« replied the old man »I took a good deal o
pains with his eddication sir let him run in the streets when he was wery
young and shift for hisself. It's the only way to make a boy sharp sir«
»Rather a dangerous process I should imagine« said Mr Pickwick with a
smile
»And not a wery sure one neither« added Mr Weller »I got reglarly done
the other day«
»No« said his father
»I did« said the son and he proceeded to relate in as few words as
possible how he had fallen a ready dupe to the stratagems of Job Trotter
Mr Weller senior listened to the tale with the most profound attention
and at its termination said
»Wornt one o these chaps slim and tall with long hair and the gift o
the gab wery gallopin«
Mr Pickwick did not quite understand the last item of description but
comprehending the first said »Yes« at a venture
»Tothers a blackhaired chap in mulberry livery with a wery large head«
»Yes yes he is« said Mr Pickwick and Sam with great earnestness
»Then I know where they are and thats all about it« said Mr Weller
»theyre at Ipswich safe enough them two«
»No« said Mr Pickwick
»Fact« said Mr Weller »and Ill tell you how I know it I work an Ipswich
coach now and then for a friend o mine I worked down the wery day arter the
night as you caught the rheumatiz and at the Black Boy at Chelmsford the wery
place theyd come to I took em up right through to Ipswich where the man
servant him in the mulberries told me they was a goin to put up for a long
time«
»Ill follow him« said Mr Pickwick »we may as well see Ipswich as any
other place Ill follow him«
»Youre quite certain it was them governor« inquired Mr Weller junior
»Quite Sammy quite« replied his father »for their appearance is wery
singler besides that ere I wondered to see the genlmn so formiliar with
his servant and more than that as they sat in front right behind the box I
heerd em laughing and saying how theyd done old Fireworks«
»Old who« said Mr Pickwick
»Old Fireworks sir by which Ive no doubt they meant you sir«
There is nothing positively vile or atrocious in the appellation of old
Fireworks but still it is by no means a respectful or flattering designation
The recollection of all the wrongs he had sustained at Jingles hands had
crowded on Mr Pickwicks mind the moment Mr Weller began to speak it wanted
but a feather to turn the scale and old Fireworks did it
»Ill follow him« said Mr Pickwick with an emphatic blow on the table
»I shall work down to Ipswich the day arter tomorrow sir« said Mr Weller
the elder »from the Bull in Whitechapel and if you really mean to go youd
better go with me«
»So we had« said Mr Pickwick »very true I can write to Bury and tell
them to meet me at Ipswich We will go with you But dont hurry away Mr
Weller wont you take anything«
»Youre wery good sir« replied Mr W stopping short »perhaps a small
glass of brandy to drink your health and success to Sammy sir wouldnt be
amiss«
»Certainly not« replied Mr Pickwick »A glass of brandy here« The brandy
was brought and Mr Weller after pulling his hair to Mr Pickwick and nodding
to Sam jerked it down his capacious throat as if it had been a small
thimblefull
»Well done father« said Sam »take care old fellow or youll have a
touch of your old complaint the gout«
»Ive found a sovrin cure for that Sammy« said Mr Weller setting down
the glass
»A sovereign cure for the gout« said Mr Pickwick hastily producing his
notebook »what is it«
»The gout sir« replied Mr Weller »the gout is a complaint as arises from
too much ease and comfort If ever youre attacked with the gout sir jist you
marry a widder as has got a good loud woice with a decent notion of usin it
and youll never have the gout agin Its a capital prescription sir I takes
it reglar and I can warrant it to drive away any illness as is caused by too
much jollity« Having imparted this valuable secret Mr Weller drained his
glass once more produced a laboured wink sighed deeply and slowly retired
»Well what do you think of what your father says Sam« inquired Mr
Pickwick with a smile
»Think sir« replied Mr Weller »why I think hes the wictim o
connubiality as Blue Beards domestic chaplain said with a tear of pity ven
he buried him«
There was no replying to this very apposite conclusion and therefore Mr
Pickwick after settling the reckoning resumed his walk to Grays Inn By the
time he reached its secluded groves however eight oclock had struck and the
unbroken stream of gentlemen in muddy highlows soiled white hats and rusty
apparel who were pouring towards the different avenues of egress warned him
that the majority of the offices had closed for that day
After climbing two pairs of steep and dirty stairs he found his
anticipations were realised Mr Perkers outer door was closed and the dead
silence which followed Mr Wellers repeated kicks thereat announced that the
officials had retired from business for the night
»This is pleasant Sam« said Mr Pickwick »I shouldnt lose an hour in
seeing him I shall not be able to get one wink of sleep tonight I know
unless I have the satisfaction of reflecting that I have confided this matter to
a professional man«
»Heres an old ooman comin upstairs sir« replied Mr Weller »praps
she knows where we can find somebody Hallo old lady veres Mr Perkers
people«
»Mr Perkers people« said a thin miserablelooking old woman stopping to
recover breath after the ascent of the staircase »Mr Perkers peoples gone
and Im a goin to do the office out«
»Are you Mr Perkers servant« inquired Mr Pickwick
»I am Mr Perkers laundress« replied the old woman
»Ah« said Mr Pickwick half aside to Sam »its a curious circumstance
Sam that they call the old women in these inns laundresses I wonder whats
that for«
»Cos they has a mortal awersion to washing anythin I suppose sir«
replied Mr Weller
»I shouldnt wonder« said Mr Pickwick looking at the old woman whose
appearance as well as the condition of the office which she had by this time
opened indicated a rooted antipathy to the application of soap and water »do
you know where I can find Mr Perker my good woman«
»No I dont« replied the old woman gruffly »hes out o town now«
»Thats unfortunate« said Mr Pickwick »wheres his clerk Do you know«
»Yes I know where he is but he wont thank me for telling you« replied
the laundress
»I have very particular business with him« said Mr Pickwick
»Wont it do in the morning« said the woman
»Not so well« replied Mr Pickwick
»Well« said the old woman »if it was anything very particular I was to
say where he was so I suppose theres no harm in telling If you just go to the
Magpie and Stump and ask at the bar for Mr Lowten theyll show you in to him
and hes Mr Perkers clerk«
With this direction and having been furthermore informed that the hostelry
in question was situated in a court happy in the double advantage of being in
the vicinity of Clare Market and closely approximating to the back of New Inn
Mr Pickwick and Sam descended the ricketty staircase in safety and issued
forth in quest of the Magpie and Stump
This favoured tavern sacred to the evening orgies of Mr Lowten and his
companions was what ordinary people would designate a publichouse That the
landlord was a man of a moneymaking turn was sufficiently testified by the
fact of a small bulkhead beneath the taproom window in size and shape not
unlike a sedanchair being underlet to a mender of shoes and that he was a
being of a philanthropic mind was evident from the protection he afforded to a
pieman who vended his delicacies without fear of interruption on the very
doorstep In the lower windows which were decorated with curtains of a saffron
hue dangled two or three printed cards bearing reference to Devonshire cyder
and Dantzic spruce while a large black board announcing in white letters to an
enlightened public that there were 500000 barrels of double stout in the
cellars of the establishment left the mind in a state of not unpleasing doubt
and uncertainty as to the precise direction in the bowels of the earth in which
this mighty cavern might be supposed to extend When we add that the
weatherbeaten signboard bore the halfobliterated semblance of a magpie
intently eyeing a crooked streak of brown paint which the neighbours had been
taught from infancy to consider as the stump we have said all that need be said
of the exterior of the edifice
On Mr Pickwicks presenting himself at the bar an elderly female emerged
from behind a screen therein and presented herself before him
»Is Mr Lowten here maam« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Yes he is sir« replied the landlady »Here Charley show the gentleman
in to Mr Lowten«
»The genlmn cant go in just now« said a shambling potboy with a red
head »cos Mr Lowtens a singin a comic song and hell put him out Hell be
done drectly sir«
The redheaded potboy had scarcely finished speaking when a most unanimous
hammering of tables and jingling of glasses announced that the song had that
instant terminated and Mr Pickwick after desiring Sam to solace himself in
the tap suffered himself to be conducted into the presence of Mr Lowten
At the announcement of »gentleman to speak to you sir« a puffyfaced young
man who filled the chair at the head of the table looked with some surprise in
the direction from whence the voice proceeded and the surprise seemed to be by
no means diminished when his eyes rested on an individual whom he had never
seen before
»I beg your pardon sir« said Mr Pickwick »and I am very sorry to disturb
the other gentlemen too but I come on very particular business and if you
will suffer me to detain you at this end of the room for five minutes I shall
be very much obliged to you«
The puffyfaced young man rose and drawing a chair close to Mr Pickwick in
an obscure corner of the room listened attentively to his tale of woe
»Ah« he said when Mr Pickwick had concluded »Dodson and Fogg sharp
practice theirs capital men of business Dodson and Fogg sir«
Mr Pickwick admitted the sharp practice of Dodson and Fogg and Lowten
resumed
»Perker aint in town and he wont be neither before the end of next
week but if you want the action defended and will leave the copy with me I
can do all thats needful till he comes back«
»Thats exactly what I came here for« said Mr Pickwick handing over the
document »If anything particular occurs you can write to me at the
postoffice Ipswich«
»Thats all right« replied Mr Perkers clerk and then seeing Mr
Pickwicks eye wandering curiously towards the table he added »Will you join
us for halfanhour or so We are capital company here tonight Theres Samkin
and Greens managingclerk and Smithers and Prices chancery and Pimkin and
Thomass out o door sings a capital song he does and Jack Bamber and ever
so many more Youre come out of the country I suppose Would you like to join
us«
Mr Pickwick could not resist so tempting an opportunity of studying human
nature He suffered himself to be led to the table where after having been
introduced to the company in due form he was accommodated with a seat near the
chairman and called for a glass of his favourite beverage
A profound silence quite contrary to Mr Pickwicks expectation succeeded
»You dont find this sort of thing disagreeable I hope sir« said his
right hand neighbour a gentleman in a checked shirt and Mosaic studs with a
cigar in his mouth
»Not in the least« replied Mr Pickwick »I like it very much although I
am no smoker myself«
»I should be very sorry to say I wasnt« interposed another gentleman on
the opposite side of the table »Its board and lodging to me is smoke«
Mr Pickwick glanced at the speaker and thought that if it were washing
too it would be all the better
Here there was another pause Mr Pickwick was a stranger and his coming
had evidently cast a damp upon the party
»Mr Grundys going to oblige the company with a song« said the chairman
»No he aint« said Mr Grundy
»Why not« said the chairman
»Because he cant« said Mr Grundy
»You had better say he wont« replied the chairman
»Well then he wont« retorted Mr Grundy Mr Grundys positive refusal
to gratify the company occasioned another silence
»Wont anybody enliven us« said the chairman despondingly
»Why dont you enliven us yourself Mr Chairman« said a young man with a
whisker a squint and an open shirt collar dirty from the bottom of the
table
»Hear hear« said the smoking gentleman in the Mosaic jewellery
»Because I only know one song and I have sung it already and its a fine
of glasses round to sing the same song twice in a night« replied the chairman
This was an unanswerable reply and silence prevailed again
»I have been tonight gentlemen« said Mr Pickwick hoping to start a
subject which all the company could take a part in discussing »I have been
tonight in a place which you all know very well doubtless but which I have
not been in before for some years and know very little of I mean Grays Inn
gentlemen Curious little nooks in a great place like London these old Inns
are«
»By Jove« said the chairman whispering across the table to Mr Pickwick
»you have hit upon something that one of us at least would talk upon for ever
Youll draw old Jack Bamber out he was never heard to talk about anything else
but the Inns and he has lived alone in them till hes half crazy«
The individual to whom Lowten alluded was a little yellow highshouldered
man whose countenance from his habit of stooping forward when silent Mr
Pickwick had not observed before He wondered though when the old man raised
his shrivelled face and bent his grey eye upon him with a keen inquiring look
that such remarkable features could have escaped his attention for a moment
There was a fixed grim smile perpetually on his countenance he leant his chin
on a long skinny hand with nails of extraordinary length and as he inclined
his head to one side and looked keenly out from beneath his ragged grey
eyebrows there was a strange wild slyness in his leer quite repulsive to
behold
This was the figure that now started forward and burst into an animated
torrent of words As this chapter has been a long one however and as the old
man was a remarkable personage it will be more respectful to him and more
convenient to us to let him speak for himself in a fresh one
Chapter XXI
In Which the Old Man Launches Forth into His Favourite Theme and Relates a
Story About a Queer Client
»Aha« said the old man a brief description of whose manner and appearance
concluded the last chapter »Aha who was talking about the Inns«
»I was sir« replied Mr Pickwick »I was observing what singular old
places they are«
»You« said the old man contemptuously »What do you know of the time when
young men shut themselves up in those lonely rooms and read and read hour
after hour and night after night till their reason wandered beneath their
midnight studies till their mental powers were exhausted till mornings light
brought no freshness or health to them and they sank beneath the unnatural
devotion of their youthful energies to their dry old books Coming down to a
later time and a very different day what do you know of the gradual sinking
beneath consumption or the quick wasting of fever the grand results of life
and dissipation which men have undergone in these same rooms How many vain
pleaders for mercy do you think have turned away heartsick from the lawyers
office to find a restingplace in the Thames or a refuge in the gaol They are
no ordinary houses those There is not a panel in the old wainscotting but
what if it were endowed with the powers of speech and memory could start from
the wall and tell its tale of horror the romance of life sir the romance of
life Commonplace as they may seem now I tell you they are strange old places
and I would rather hear many a legend with a terrific sounding name than the
true history of one old set of chambers«
There was something so odd in the old mans sudden energy and the subject
which had called it forth that Mr Pickwick was prepared with no observation in
reply and the old man checking his impetuosity and resuming the leer which
had disappeared during his previous excitement said
»Look at them in another light their most commonplace and least romantic
What fine places of slow torture they are Think of the needy man who has spent
his all beggared himself and pinched his friends to enter the profession
which will never yield him a morsel of bread The waiting the hope the
disappointment the fear the misery the poverty the blight on his hopes
and end to his career the suicide perhaps or the shabby slipshod drunkard
Am I not right about them« And the old man rubbed his hands and leered as if
in delight at having found another point of view in which to place his favourite
subject
Mr Pickwick eyed the old man with great curiosity and the remainder of the
company smiled and looked on in silence
»Talk of your German universities« said the little old man »Pooh pooh
theres romance enough at home without going half a mile for it only people
never think of it«
»I never thought of the romance of this particular subject before
certainly« said Mr Pickwick laughing
»To be sure you didnt« said the little old man »of course not As a
friend of mine used to say to me What is there in chambers in particular
Queer old places said I Not at all said he Lonely said I Not a bit of it
said he He died one morning of apoplexy as he was going to open his outer
door Fell with his head in his own letterbox and there he lay for eighteen
months Every body thought hed gone out of town«
»And how was he found at last« inquired Mr Pickwick
»The benchers determined to have his door broken open as he hadnt paid any
rent for two years So they did Forced the lock and a very dusty skeleton in a
blue coat black kneeshorts and silks fell forward in the arms of the porter
who opened the door Queer that Rather perhaps« The little old man put his
head more on one side and rubbed his hands with unspeakable glee
»I know another case« said the little old man when his chuckles had in
some degree subsided »It occurred in Cliffords Inn Tenant of a top set bad
character shut himself up in his bedroom closet and took a dose of arsenic
The steward thought he had run away opened the door and put a bill up Another
man came took the chambers furnished them and went to live there Somehow or
other he couldnt sleep always restless and uncomfortable Odd says he Ill
make the other room my bedchamber and this my sittingroom He made the
change and slept very well at night but suddenly found that somehow he
couldnt read in the evening he got nervous and uncomfortable and used to be
always snuffing his candles and staring about him I cant make this out said
he when he came home from the play one night and was drinking a glass of cold
grog with his back to the wall in order that he mightnt be able to fancy
there was any one behind him I cant make it out said he and just then his
eyes rested on the little closet that had been always locked up and a shudder
ran through his whole frame from top to toe I have felt this strange feeling
before said he I cannot help thinking theres something wrong about that
closet He made a strong effort plucked up his courage shivered the lock with
a blow or two of the poker opened the door and there sure enough standing
bolt upright in the corner was the last tenant with a little bottle clasped
firmly in his hand and his face well« As the little old man concluded he
looked round on the attentive faces of his wondering auditory with a smile of
grim delight
»What strange things these are you tell us of sir« said Mr Pickwick
minutely scanning the old mans countenance by the aid of his glasses
»Strange« said the little old man »Nonsense you think them strange
because you know nothing about it They are funny but not uncommon«
»Funny« exclaimed Mr Pickwick involuntarily
»Yes funny are they not« replied the little old man with a diabolical
leer and then without pausing for an answer he continued
»I knew another man let me see forty years ago now who took an old
damp rotten set of chambers in one of the most ancient Inns that had been
shut up and empty for years and years before There were lots of old womens
stories about the place and it certainly was very far from being a cheerful
one but he was poor and the rooms were cheap and that would have been quite a
sufficient reason for him if they had been ten times worse than they really
were He was obliged to take some mouldering fixtures that were on the place
and among the rest was a great lumbering wooden press for papers with large
glass doors and a green curtain inside a pretty useless thing for him for he
had no papers to put in it and as to his clothes he carried them about with
him and that wasnt very hard work either Well he had moved in all his
furniture it wasnt quite a truckfull and had sprinkled it about the room
so as to make the four chairs look as much like a dozen as possible and was
sitting down before the fire at night drinking the first glass of two gallons
of whiskey he had ordered on credit wondering whether it would ever be paid
for and if so in how many years time when his eyes encountered the glass
doors of the wooden press Ah says he If I hadnt been obliged to take that
ugly article at the old brokers valuation I might have got something
comfortable for the money Ill tell you what it is old fellow he said
speaking aloud to the press having nothing else to speak to If it wouldnt
cost more to break up your old carcase than it would ever be worth afterwards
Id have a fire out of you in less than no time He had hardly spoken the words
when a sound resembling a faint groan appeared to issue from the interior of
the case It startled him at first but thinking on a moments reflection that
it must be some young fellow in the next chamber who had been dining out he
put his feet on the fender and raised the poker to stir the fire At that
moment the sound was repeated and one of the glass doors slowly opening
disclosed a pale and emaciated figure in soiled and worn apparel standing erect
in the press The figure was tall and thin and the countenance expressive of
care and anxiety but there was something in the hue of the skin and gaunt and
unearthly appearance of the whole form which no being of this world was ever
seen to wear Who are you said the new tenant turning very pale poising the
poker in his hand however and taking a very decent aim at the countenance of
the figure Who are you Dont throw that poker at me replied the form; If you
hurled it with ever so sure an aim it would pass through me without
resistance and expend its force on the wood behind I am a spirit And pray
what do you want here faltered the tenant In this room replied the
apparition my worldly ruin was worked and I and my children beggared In this
press the papers in a long long suit which accumulated for years were
deposited In this room when I had died of grief and longdeferred hope two
wily harpies divided the wealth for which I had contested during a wretched
existence, and of which at last not one farthing was left for my unhappy
descendants I terrified them from the spot and since that day have prowled by
night the only period at which I can revisit the earth about the scenes of
my longprotracted misery This apartment is mine leave it to me If you insist
upon making your appearance here said the tenant who had had time to collect
his presence of mind during this prosy statement of the ghosts I shall give up
possession with the greatest pleasure but I should like to ask you one
question if you will allow me Say on said the apparition sternly Well said
the tenant I dont apply the observation personally to you because it is
equally applicable to most of the ghosts I ever heard of but it does appear to
me somewhat inconsistent that when you have an opportunity of visiting the
fairest spots of earth for I suppose space is nothing to you you should
always return exactly to the very places where you have been most miserable
Egad thats very true I never thought of that before said the ghost You see
sir pursued the tenant this is a very uncomfortable room From the appearance
of that press I should be disposed to say that it is not wholly free from bugs
and I really think you might find much more comfortable quarters to say nothing
of the climate of London which is extremely disagreeable You are very right
sir said the ghost politely it never struck me till now Ill try change of
air directly In fact he began to vanish as he spoke his legs indeed had
quite disappeared And if sir said the tenant calling after him if you would
have the goodness to suggest to the other ladies and gentlemen who are now
engaged in haunting old empty houses that they might be much more comfortable
elsewhere you will confer a very great benefit on society I will replied the
ghost we must be dull fellows very dull fellows indeed I cant imagine how
we can have been so stupid With these words the spirit disappeared and what
is rather remarkable« added the old man with a shrewd look round the table
»he never came back again«
»That aint bad if its true« said the man in the Mosaic studs lighting a
fresh cigar
»If« exclaimed the old man with a look of excessive contempt »I suppose«
he added turning to Lowten »hell say next that my story about the queer
client we had when I was in an attorneys office is not true either I
shouldnt wonder«
»I shant venture to say anything at all about it seeing that I never heard
the story« observed the owner of the Mosaic decorations
»I wish you would repeat it sir« said Mr Pickwick
»Ah do« said Lowten »nobody has heard it but me and I have nearly
forgotten it«
The old man looked round the table and leered more horribly than ever as
if in triumph at the attention which was depicted in every face Then rubbing
his chin with his hand and looking up to the ceiling as if to recall the
circumstances to his memory he began as follows
The Old Mans Tale about the Queer Client
»It matters little« said the old man »where or how I picked up this brief
history If I were to relate it in the order in which it reached me I should
commence in the middle and when I had arrived at the conclusion go back for a
beginning It is enough for me to say that some of its circumstances passed
before my own eyes For the remainder I know them to have happened and there
are some persons yet living who will remember them but too well
In the Borough High Street near Saint Georges Church and on the same side
of the way stands as most people know the smallest of our debtors prisons
the Marshalsea Although in later times it has been a very different place from
the sink of filth and dirt it once was even its improved condition holds out
but little temptation to the extravagant or consolation to the improvident The
condemned felon has as good a yard for air and exercise in Newgate as the
insolvent debtor in the Marshalsea Prison4
It may be my fancy or it may be that I cannot separate the place from the
old recollections associated with it but this part of London I cannot bear The
street is broad the shops are spacious the noise of passing vehicles the
footsteps of a perpetual stream of people all the busy sounds of traffic
resound in it from morn to midnight but the streets around are mean and close
poverty and debauchery lie festering in the crowded alleys want and misfortune
are pent up in the narrow prison an air of gloom and dreariness seems in my
eyes at least to hang about the scene and to impart to it a squalid and sickly
hue
Many eyes that have long since been closed in the grave have looked round
upon that scene lightly enough when entering the gate of the old Marshalsea
Prison for the first time for despair seldom comes with the first severe shock
of misfortune A man has confidence in untried friends he remembers the many
offers of service so freely made by his boon companions when he wanted them not
he has hope the hope of happy inexperience and however he may bend beneath
the first shock it springs up in his bosom and flourishes there for a brief
space until it droops beneath the blight of disappointment and neglect How
soon have those same eyes deeply sunken in the head glared from faces wasted
with famine and sallow from confinement in days when it was no figure of
speech to say that debtors rotted in prison with no hope of release and no
prospect of liberty The atrocity in its full extent no longer exists but there
is enough of it left to give rise to occurrences that make the heart bleed
Twenty years ago that pavement was worn with the footsteps of a mother and
child who day by day so surely as the morning came presented themselves at
the prison gate often after a night of restless misery and anxious thoughts
were they there a full hour too soon and then the young mother turning meekly
away would lead the child to the old bridge and raising him in her arms to
show him the glistening water tinted with the light of the mornings sun and
stirring with all the bustling preparations for business and pleasure that the
river presented at that early hour endeavour to interest his thoughts in the
objects before him But she would quickly set him down and hiding her face in
her shawl give vent to the tears that blinded her for no expression of
interest or amusement lighted up his thin and sickly face His recollections
were few enough but they were all of one kind all connected with the poverty
and misery of his parents Hour after hour had he sat on his mothers knee and
with childish sympathy watched the tears that stole down her face and then
crept quietly away into some dark corner and sobbed himself to sleep The hard
realities of the world with many of its worst privations hunger and thirst
and cold and want had all come home to him from the first dawnings of reason;
and though the form of childhood was there its light heart its merry laugh
and sparkling eyes were wanting
The father and mother looked on upon this and upon each other with
thoughts of agony they dared not breathe in words The healthy strongmade man
who could have borne almost any fatigue of active exertion was wasting beneath
the close confinement and unhealthy atmosphere of a crowded prison The slight
and delicate woman was sinking beneath the combined effects of bodily and mental
illness The childs young heart was breaking
Winter came and with it weeks of cold and heavy rain The poor girl had
removed to a wretched apartment close to the spot of her husbands imprisonment
and though the change had been rendered necessary by their increasing poverty
she was happier now for she was nearer him For two months she and her little
companion watched the opening of the gate as usual One day she failed to come
for the first time Another morning arrived and she came alone The child was
dead
They little know who coldly talk of the poor mans bereavements as a happy
release from pain to the departed and a merciful relief from expense to the
survivor they little know I say what the agony of those bereavements is A
silent look of affection and regard when all other eyes are turned coldly away
the consciousness that we possess the sympathy and affection of one being when
all others have deserted us is a hold a stay a comfort in the deepest
affliction which no wealth could purchase or power bestow The child had sat
at his parents feet for hours together with his little hands patiently folded
in each other and his thin wan face raised towards them They had seen him pine
away from day to day and though his brief existence had been a joyless one
and he was now removed to that peace and rest which child as he was he had
never known in this world they were his parents and his loss sunk deep into
their souls
It was plain to those who looked upon the mothers altered face that death
must soon close the scene of her adversity and trial Her husbands
fellowprisoners shrunk from obtruding on his grief and misery and left to
himself alone the small room he had previously occupied in common with two
companions She shared it with him and lingering on without pain but without
hope her life ebbed slowly away
She had fainted one evening in her husbands arms and he had borne her to
the open window to revive her with the air when the light of the moon falling
full upon her face shewed him a change upon her features which made him
stagger beneath her weight like a helpless infant
Set me down George she said faintly He did so and seating himself beside
her covered his face with his hands and burst into tears
It is very hard to leave you George she said but it is Gods will and
you must bear it for my sake Oh how I thank Him for having taken our boy He
is happy and in Heaven now What would he have done here without his mother
You shall not die Mary you shall not die said the husband starting up
He paced hurriedly to and fro striking his head with his clenched fists then
reseating himself beside her and supporting her in his arms added more calmly
Rouse yourself my dear girl Pray pray do You will revive yet
Never again George never again said the dying woman Let them lay me by
my poor boy now but promise me that if ever you leave this dreadful place and
should grow rich you will have us removed to some quiet country churchyard a
long long way off very far from here where we can rest in peace Dear
George promise me you will
I do I do said the man throwing himself passionately on his knees before
her Speak to me Mary another word one look but one
He ceased to speak for the arm that clasped his neck grew stiff and heavy
A deep sigh escaped from the wasted form before him the lips moved and a smile
played upon the face but the lips were pallid and the smile faded into a rigid
and ghastly stare He was alone in the world
That night in the silence and desolation of his miserable room the
wretched man knelt down by the dead body of his wife and called on God to
witness a terrible oath that from that hour he devoted himself to revenge her
death and that of his child that thenceforth to the last moment of his life
his whole energies should be directed to this one object that his revenge
should be protracted and terrible that his hatred should be undying and
inextinguishable and should hunt its object through the world
The deepest despair and passion scarcely human had made such fierce
ravages on his face and form in that one night that his companions in
misfortune shrunk affrighted from him as he passed by His eyes were bloodshot
and heavy his face a deadly white and his body bent as if with age He had
bitten his under lip nearly through in the violence of his mental suffering and
the blood which had flowed from the wound had trickled down his chin and
stained his shirt and neckerchief No tear or sound of complaint escaped him
but the unsettled look and disordered haste with which he paced up and down the
yard denoted the fever which was burning within
It was necessary that his wifes body should be removed from the prison
without delay He received the communication with perfect calmness and
acquiesced in its propriety Nearly all the inmates of the prison had assembled
to witness its removal they fell back on either side when the widower appeared
he walked hurriedly forward and stationed himself alone in a little railed
area close to the lodge gate from whence the crowd with an instinctive feeling
of delicacy had retired The rude coffin was borne slowly forward on mens
shoulders A dead silence pervaded the throng broken only by the audible
lamentations of the women and the shuffling steps of the bearers on the stone
pavement They reached the spot where the bereaved husband stood and stopped
He laid his hand upon the coffin and mechanically adjusting the pall with which
it was covered motioned them onward The turnkeys in the prison lobby took off
their hats as it passed through and in another moment the heavy gate closed
behind it He looked vacantly upon the crowd and fell heavily to the ground
Although for many weeks after this he was watched night and day in the
wildest ravings of fever neither the consciousness of his loss nor the
recollection of the vow he had made ever left him for a moment Scenes changed
before his eyes place succeeded place and event followed event in all the
hurry of delirium but they were all connected in some way with the great object
of his mind He was sailing over a boundless expanse of sea with a bloodred
sky above and the angry waters lashed into fury beneath boiling and eddying
up on every side There was another vessel before them toiling and labouring
in the howling storm her canvas fluttering in ribbons from the mast and her
deck thronged with figures who were lashed to the sides over which huge waves
every instant burst sweeping away some devoted creatures into the foaming sea
Onward they bore amidst the roaring mass of water with a speed and force which
nothing could resist and striking the stern of the foremost vessel crushed
her beneath their keel From the huge whirlpool which the sinking wreck
occasioned arose a shriek so loud and shrill the deathcry of a hundred
drowning creatures blended into one fierce yell that it rung far above the
warcry of the elements and echoed and reechoed till it seemed to pierce air
sky and ocean But what was that that old greyhead that rose above the
waters surface and with looks of agony and screams for aid buffeted with the
waves One look and he had sprung from the vessels side and with vigorous
strokes was swimming towards it He reached it he was close upon it They were
his features The old man saw him coming and vainly strove to elude his grasp
But he clasped him tight and dragged him beneath the water Down down with
him fifty fathoms down his struggles grew fainter and fainter until they
wholly ceased He was dead he had killed him and had kept his oath
He was traversing the scorching sands of a mighty desert barefoot and
alone The sand choked and blinded him its fine thin grains entered the very
pores of his skin and irritated him almost to madness Gigantic masses of the
same material carried forward by the wind and shone through by the burning
sun stalked in the distance like pillars of living fire The bones of men who
had perished in the dreary waste lay scattered at his feet a fearful light
fell on everything around so far as the eye could reach nothing but objects of
dread and horror presented themselves Vainly striving to utter a cry of terror
with his tongue cleaving to his mouth he rushed madly forward Armed with
supernatural strength he waded through the sand until exhausted with fatigue
and thirst he fell senseless on the earth What fragrant coolness revived him
what gushing sound was that Water It was indeed a well and the clear fresh
stream was running at his feet He drank deeply of it and throwing his aching
limbs upon the bank sunk into a delicious trance The sound of approaching
footsteps roused him An old greyheaded man tottered forward to slake his
burning thirst It was he again He wound his arms round the old mans body and
held him back He struggled and shrieked for water for but one drop of water
to save his life But he held the old man firmly and watched his agonies with
greedy eyes and when his lifeless head fell forward on his bosom he rolled the
corpse from him with his feet
When the fever left him and consciousness returned he awoke to find
himself rich and free to hear that the parent who would have let him die in
gaol would who had let those who were far dearer to him than his own
existence die of want and sickness of heart that medicine cannot cure had
been found dead on his bed of down He had had all the heart to leave his son a
beggar but proud even of his health and strength had put off the act till it
was too late and now might gnash his teeth in the other world at the thought
of the wealth his remissness had left him He awoke to this and he awoke to
more To recollect the purpose for which he lived and to remember that his
enemy was his wifes own father the man who had cast him into prison and who
when his daughter and her child sued at his feet for mercy had spurned them
from his door Oh how he cursed the weakness that prevented him from being up
and active in his scheme of vengeance
He caused himself to be carried from the scene of his loss and misery and
conveyed to a quiet residence on the seacoast not in the hope of recovering
his peace of mind or happiness for both were fled for ever but to restore his
prostrate energies and meditate on his darling object And here some evil
spirit cast in his way the opportunity for his first most horrible revenge
It was summer time and wrapped in his gloomy thoughts he would issue from
his solitary lodgings early in the evening and wandering along a narrow path
beneath the cliffs to a wild and lonely spot that had struck his fancy in his
ramblings seat himself on some fallen fragment of the rock and burying his
face in his hands remain there for hours sometimes until night had completely
closed in and the long shadows of the frowning cliffs above his head cast a
thick black darkness on every object near him
He was seated here one calm evening in his old position now and then
raising his head to watch the flight of a seagull or carry his eye along the
glorious crimson path which commencing in the middle of the ocean seemed to
lead to its very verge where the sun was setting when the profound stillness of
the spot was broken by a loud cry for help he listened doubtful of his having
heard aright when the cry was repeated with even greater vehemence than before
and starting to his feet he hastened in the direction whence it proceeded
The tale told itself at once some scattered garments lay on the beach a
human head was just visible above the waves at a little distance from the shore
and an old man wringing his hands in agony was running to and fro shrieking
for assistance The invalid whose strength was now sufficiently restored threw
off his coat and rushed towards the sea with the intention of plunging in and
dragging the drowning man ashore
Hasten here sir in Gods name help help sir for the love of Heaven He
is my son sir my only son said the old man frantically as he advanced to
meet him My only son sir and he is dying before his fathers eyes
At the first word the old man uttered the stranger checked himself in his
career and folding his arms stood perfectly motionless
Great God exclaimed the old man recoiling Heyling
The stranger smiled and was silent
Heyling said the old man wildly My boy Heyling my dear boy look look
gasping for breath the miserable father pointed to the spot where the young man
was struggling for life
Hark said the old man He cries once more He is alive yet Heyling save
him save him
The stranger smiled again and remained immovable as a statue
I have wronged you shrieked the old man falling on his knees and clasping
his hands together Be revenged take my all my life cast me into the water at
your feet and if human nature can repress a struggle I will die without
stirring hand or foot Do it Heyling do it but save my boy he is so young
Heyling so young to die
Listen said the stranger grasping the old man fiercely by the wrist I
will have life for life and here is ONE My child died before his fathers
eyes a far more agonising and painful death than that young slanderer of his
sisters worth is meeting while I speak You laughed laughed in your
daughters face where death had already set his hand at our sufferings then
What think you of them now See there see there
As the stranger spoke he pointed to the sea A faint cry died away upon its
surface the last powerful struggle of the dying man agitated the rippling waves
for a few seconds and the spot where he had gone down into his early grave was
undistinguishable from the surrounding water
Three years had elapsed when a gentleman alighted from a private carriage at
the door of a London attorney then well known as a man of no great nicety in
his professional dealings and requested a private interview on business of
importance Although evidently not past the prime of life his face was pale
haggard and dejected and it did not require the acute perception of the man of
business to discern at a glance that disease or suffering had done more to
work a change in his appearance than the mere hand of time could have
accomplished in twice the period of his whole life
I wish you to undertake some legal business for me said the stranger
The attorney bowed obsequiously and glanced at a large packet which the
gentleman carried in his hand His visitor observed the look and proceeded
It is no common business said he nor have these papers reached my hands
without long trouble and great expense
The attorney cast a still more anxious look at the packet and his visitor
untying the string that bound it disclosed a quantity of promissory notes with
copies of deeds and other documents
Upon these papers said the client the man whose name they bear has
raised as you will see large sums of money for some years past There was a
tacit understanding between him and the men into whose hands they originally
went and from whom I have by degrees purchased the whole for treble and
quadruple their nominal value that these loans should be from time to time
renewed until a given period had elapsed Such an understanding is nowhere
expressed He has sustained many losses of late and these obligations
accumulating upon him at once would crush him to the earth
The whole amount is many thousands of pounds said the attorney looking
over the papers
It is said the client
What are we to do inquired the man of business
Do replied the client with sudden vehemence Put every engine of the law
in force every trick that ingenuity can devise and rascality execute fair
means and foul the open oppression of the law aided by all the craft of its
most ingenious practitioners I would have him die a harassing and lingering
death Ruin him seize and sell his lands and goods drive him from house and
home and drag him forth a beggar in his old age to die in a common grave«
»But the costs my dear sir the costs of all this reasoned the attorney
when he had recovered from his momentary surprise If the defendant be a man of
straw who is to pay the costs sir
Name any sum said the stranger his hand trembling so violently with
excitement that he could scarcely hold the pen he seized as he spoke Any sum
and it is yours Dont be afraid to name it man I shall not think it dear if
you gain my object
The attorney named a large sum at hazard as the advance he should require
to secure himself against the possibility of loss but more with the view of
ascertaining how far his client was really disposed to go than with any idea
that he would comply with the demand The stranger wrote a cheque upon his
banker for the whole amount and left him
The draft was duly honoured and the attorney finding that his strange
client might be safely relied upon commenced his work in earnest For more than
two years afterwards Mr Heyling would sit whole days together in the office
poring over the papers as they accumulated and reading again and again his
eyes gleaming with joy the letters of remonstrance the prayers for a little
delay the representations of the certain ruin in which the opposite party must
be involved which poured in as suit after suit and process after process was
commenced To all applications for a brief indulgence there was but one reply
the money must be paid Land house furniture each in its turn was taken
under some one of the numerous executions which were issued and the old man
himself would have been immured in prison had he not escaped the vigilance of
the officers and fled
The implacable animosity of Heyling so far from being satiated by the
success of his persecution increased a hundredfold with the ruin he inflicted
On being informed of the old mans flight his fury was unbounded He gnashed
his teeth with rage tore the hair from his head and assailed with horrid
imprecations the men who had been entrusted with the writ He was only restored
to comparative calmness by repeated assurances of the certainty of discovering
the fugitive Agents were sent in quest of him in all directions every
stratagem that could be invented was resorted to for the purpose of discovering
his place of retreat but it was all in vain Half a year had passed over and
he was still undiscovered
At length late one night Heyling of whom nothing had been seen for many
weeks before appeared at his attorneys private residence and sent up word
that a gentleman wished to see him instantly Before the attorney who had
recognised his voice from above stairs could order the servant to admit him he
had rushed up the staircase and entered the drawingroom pale and breathless
Having closed the door to prevent being overheard he sunk into a chair and
said in a low voice
Hush I have found him at last
No said the attorney Well done my dear sir well done
He lies concealed in a wretched lodging in Camden Town said Heyling
Perhaps it is as well we did lose sight of him for he has been living alone
there in the most abject misery all the time and he is poor very poor
Very good said the attorney You will have the caption made tomorrow of
course
Yes replied Heyling Stay No The next day You are surprised at my
wishing to postpone it he added with a ghastly smile but I had forgotten The
next day is an anniversary in his life let it be done then
Very good said the attorney Will you write down instructions for the
officer
No let him meet me here at eight in the evening and I will accompany him
myself
They met on the appointed night and hiring a hackney coach directed the
driver to stop at that corner of the old Pancras Road at which stands the
parish workhouse By the time they alighted there it was quite dark and
proceeding by the dead wall in front of the Veterinary Hospital they entered a
small bystreet which is or was at that time called Little College Street
and which whatever it may be now was in those days a desolate place enough
surrounded by little else than fields and ditches
Having drawn the travelling cap he had on half over his face and muffled
himself in his cloak Heyling stopped before the meanestlooking house in the
street and knocked gently at the door It was at once opened by a woman who
dropped a curtesy of recognition and Heyling whispering the officer to remain
below crept gently upstairs and opening the door of the front room entered
at once
The object of his search and his unrelenting animosity now a decrepit old
man was seated at a bare deal table on which stood a miserable candle He
started on the entrance of the stranger and rose feebly to his feet
What now what now said the old man What fresh misery is this What do you
want here
A word with you replied Heyling As he spoke he seated himself at the
other end of the table and throwing off his cloak and cap disclosed his
features
The old man seemed instantly deprived of the power of speech He fell
backward in his chair and clasping his hands together gazed on the apparition
with a mingled look of abhorrence and fear
This day six years said Heyling I claimed the life you owed me for my
childs Beside the lifeless form of your daughter old man I swore to live a
life of revenge I have never swerved from my purpose for a moments space but
if I had one thought of her uncomplaining suffering look as she drooped away
or of the starving face of our innocent child would have nerved me to my task
My first act of requital you well remember this is my last
The old man shivered and his hands dropped powerless by his side
I leave England tomorrow said Heyling after a moments pause Tonight I
consign you to the living death to which you devoted her a hopeless prison
He raised his eyes to the old mans countenance and paused He lifted the
light to his face set it gently down and left the apartment
You had better see to the old man he said to the woman as he opened the
door and motioned the officer to follow him into the street I think he is ill
The woman closed the door ran hastily up stairs and found him lifeless
Beneath a plain gravestone in one of the most peaceful and secluded
churchyards in Kent where wild flowers mingle with the grass and the soft
landscape around forms the fairest spot in the garden of England lie the bones
of the young mother and her gentle child But the ashes of the father do not
mingle with theirs nor from that night forward did the attorney ever gain the
remotest clue to the subsequent history of his queer client«
As the old man concluded his tale he advanced to a peg in one corner and
taking down his hat and coat put them on with great deliberation and without
saying another word walked slowly away As the gentleman with the Mosaic studs
had fallen asleep and the major part of the company were deeply occupied in the
humorous process of dropping melted tallowgrease into his brandy and water Mr
Pickwick departed unnoticed and having settled his own score and that of Mr
Weller issued forth in company with that gentleman from beneath the portal of
the Magpie and Stump
Chapter XXII
Mr Pickwick Journeys to Ipswich and Meets with a Romantic Adventure with a
MiddleAged Lady in Yellow Curl Papers
»That ere your governors luggage Sammy« inquired Mr Weller of his
affectionate son as he entered the yard of the Bull inn Whitechapel with a
travelling bag and a small portmanteau
»You might ha made a worser guess than that old feller« replied Mr
Weller the younger setting down his burden in the yard and sitting himself
down upon it afterwards »The Governor hisselfll be down here presently«
»Hes a cabbin it I suppose« said the father
»Yes hes a havin two mile o danger at eightpence« responded the son
»Hows motherinlaw this mornin«
»Queer Sammy queer« replied the elder Mr Weller with impressive
gravity »Shes been gettin rayther in the Methodistical order lately Sammy
and she is uncommon pious to be sure Shes too good a creetur for me Sammy I
feel I dont deserve her«
»Ah« said Mr Samuel »thats wery selfdenyin o you«
»Wery« replied his parent with a sigh »Shes got hold o some inwention
for grownup people being born again Sammy the new birth I thinks they calls
it I should wery much like to see that system in haction Sammy I should wery
much like to see your motherinlaw born again Wouldnt I put her out to
nurse«
»What do you think them women does tother day« continued Mr Weller after
a short pause during which he had significantly struck the side of his nose
with his forefinger some halfdozen times »What do you think they does
tother day Sammy«
»Dont know« replied Sammy »what«
»Goes and gets up a grand tea drinkin for a feller they calls their
shepherd« said Mr Weller »I was a standing starin in at the pictur shop down
at our place when I sees a little bill about it tickets halfacrown All
applications to be made to the committee Secretary Mrs Weller and when I got
home there was the committee a sittin in our back parlour Fourteen women I
wish you could ha heard em Sammy There they was a passin resolutions and
wotin supplies and all sorts o games Well what with your motherinlaw a
worrying me to go and what with my looking forard to seein some queer starts
if I did I put my name down for a ticket at six oclock on the Friday evenin
I dresses myself out wery smart and off I goes with the old ooman and up we
walks into a fust floor where there was tea things for thirty and a whole lot
o women as begins whisperin at one another, and lookin at me as if theyd
never seen a rayther stout genlmn of eightandfifty afore By and bye there
comes a great bustle down stairs and a lanky chap with a red nose and a white
neckcloth rushes up and sings out Heres the shepherd a coming to wisit his
faithful flock and in comes a fat chap in black vith a great white face a
smilin avay like clockwork Such goins on Sammy The kiss of peace says the
shepherd and then he kissed the women all round and ven hed done the man
vith the red nose began I was just a thinkin whether I hadnt better begin too
specially as there was a wery nice lady a sittin next me ven in comes the
tea and your motherinlaw as had been makin the kettle bile down stairs At
it they went tooth and nail Such a precious loud hymn Sammy while the tea
was a brewing such a grace such eatin and drinkin I wish you could ha seen
the shepherd walkin into the ham and muffins I never see such a chap to eat
and drink never The rednosed man warnt by no means the sort of person youd
like to grub by contract but he was nothin to the shepherd Well arter the
tea was over they sang another hymn and then the shepherd began to preach and
wery well he did it considerin how heavy them muffins must have lied on his
chest Presently he pulls up all of a sudden and hollers out Where is the
sinner where is the misrable sinner Upon which all the women looked at me
and began to groan as if they was a dying I thought it was rather singler but
howsever I says nothing Presently he pulls up again and lookin wery hard at
me says Where is the sinner where is the misrable sinner and all the women
groans again ten times louder than afore I got rather wild at this so I takes
a step or two forard and says My friend says I did you apply that ere
obserwation to me Stead of begging my pardon as any genlmn would ha done
he got more abusive than ever called me a wessel Sammy a wessel of wrath
and all sorts o names So my blood being reglarly up I first give him two or
three for himself and then two or three more to hand over to the man with the
red nose and walked off I wish you could ha heard how the women screamed
Sammy ven they picked up the shepherd from under the table Hallo heres the
governor the size of life«
As Mr Weller spoke Mr Pickwick dismounted from a cab and entered the
yard
»Fine mornin sir« said Mr Weller senior
»Beautiful indeed« replied Mr Pickwick
»Beautiful indeed« echoed a redhaired man with an inquisitive nose and
blue spectacles who had unpacked himself from a cab at the same moment as Mr
Pickwick »Going to Ipswich sir«
»I am« replied Mr Pickwick
»Extraordinary coincidence So am I«
Mr Pickwick bowed
»Going outside« said the redhaired man
Mr Pickwick bowed again
»Bless my soul how remarkable I am going outside too« said the
redhaired man »we are positively going together« And the redhaired man who
was an importantlooking sharpnosed mysteriousspoken personage with a
birdlike habit of giving his head a jerk every time he said anything smiled as
if he had made one of the strangest discoveries that ever fell to the lot of
human wisdom
»I am happy in the prospect of your company sir« said Mr Pickwick
»Ah« said the newcomer »its a good thing for both of us isnt it
Company you see company is is its a very different thing from solitude
aint it«
»Theres no denying that ere« said Mr Weller joining in the
conversation with an affable smile »Thats what I call a self-evident
proposition as the dogsmeat man said when the housemaid told him he warnt
a gentleman«
»Ah« said the redhaired man surveying Mr Weller from head to foot with a
supercilious look »Friend of yours sir«
»Not exactly a friend« replied Mr Pickwick in a low tone »The fact is he
is my servant but I allow him to take a good many liberties for between
ourselves I flatter myself he is an original and I am rather proud of him«
»Ah« said the redhaired man »that you see is a matter of taste I am
not fond of anything original I dont like it dont see the necessity for it
Whats your name sir«
»Here is my card sir« replied Mr Pickwick much amused by the abruptness
of the question and the singular manner of the stranger
»Ah« said the redhaired man placing the card in his pocketbook
»Pickwick very good I like to know a mans name it saves so much trouble
Thats my card sir Magnus you will perceive sir Magnus is my name Its
rather a good name I think sir«
»A very good name indeed« said Mr Pickwick wholly unable to repress a
smile
»Yes I think it is« resumed Mr Magnus »Theres a good name before it
too you will observe Permit me sir if you hold the card a little slanting
this way you catch the light upon the upstroke There Peter Magnus sounds
well I think sir«
»Very« said Mr Pickwick
»Curious circumstance about those initials sir« said Mr Magnus »You will
observe PM post meridian In hasty notes to intimate acquaintance I
sometimes sign myself Afternoon It amuses my friends very much Mr Pickwick«
»It is calculated to afford them the highest gratification I should
conceive« said Mr Pickwick rather envying the ease with which Mr Magnuss
friends were entertained
»Now genlmn« said the hostler »coach is ready if you please«
»Is all my luggage in« inquired Mr Magnus
»All right sir«
»Is the red bag in«
»All right sir«
»And the striped bag«
»Fore boot sir«
»And the brownpaper parcel«
»Under the seat sir«
»And the leather hatbox«
»Theyre all in sir«
»Now will you get up« said Mr Pickwick
»Excuse me« replied Magnus standing on the wheel »Excuse me Mr
Pickwick I cannot consent to get up in this state of uncertainty I am quite
satisfied from that mans manner that that leather hatbox is not in«
The solemn protestations of the hostler being wholly unavailing the leather
hatbox was obliged to be raked up from the lowest depth of the boot to satisfy
him that it had been safely packed and after he had been assured on this head
he felt a solemn presentiment first that the red bag was mislaid and next
that the striped bag had been stolen and then that the brownpaper parcel had
come untied At length when he had received ocular demonstration of the
groundless nature of each and every of these suspicions he consented to climb
up to the roof of the coach observing that now he had taken every thing off his
mind he felt quite comfortable and happy
»Youre given to nervousness ant you sir« inquired Mr Weller senior
eyeing the stranger askance as he mounted to his place
»Yes I always am rather about these little matters« said the stranger
»but I am all right now quite right«
»Well thats a blessin« said Mr Weller »Sammy help your master up to
the box tother leg sir thats it give us your hand sir Up with you You
was a lighter weight when you was a boy sir«
»True enough that Mr Weller« said the breathless Mr Pickwick good
humouredly as he took his seat on the box beside him
»Jump up in front Sammy« said Mr Weller »Now Villam run em out Take
care o the archvay genlmn Heads as the pieman says Thatll do Villam
Let em alone« And away went the coach up Whitechapel to the admiration of the
whole population of that prettydensely populated quarter
»Not a wery nice neighbourhood this sir« said Sam with a touch of the
hat which always preceded his entering into conversation with his master
»It is not indeed Sam« replied Mr Pickwick surveying the crowded and
filthy street through which they were passing
»Its a wery remarkable circumstance sir« said Sam »that poverty and
oysters always seems to go together«
»I dont understand you Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»What I mean sir« said Sam »is that the poorer a place is the greater
call there seems to be for oysters Look here sir heres a oyster stall to
every halfdozen houses The streets lined vith em Blessed if I dont think
that ven a mans wery poor he rushes out of his lodgings and eats oysters in
reglar desperation«
»To be sure he does« said Mr Weller senior »and its just the same vith
pickled salmon«
»Those are two very remarkable facts which never occurred to me before«
said Mr Pickwick »The very first place we stop at Ill make a note of them«
By this time they had reached the turnpike at Mile End a profound silence
prevailed until they had got two or three miles further on when Mr Weller
senior turning suddenly to Mr Pickwick said
»Wery queer life is a pikekeepers sir«
»A what« said Mr Pickwick
»A pikekeeper«
»What do you mean by a pikekeeper« inquired Mr Peter Magnus
»The old un means a turnpike keeper genlmn« observed Mr Samuel Weller
in explanation
»Oh« said Mr Pickwick »I see Yes very curious life Very
uncomfortable«
»Theyre all on em men as has met vith some disappointment in life« said
Mr Weller senior
»Ay ay« said Mr Pickwick
»Yes Consequence of vich they retires from the world and shuts themselves
up in pikes partly vith the view of being solitary and partly to rewenge
themselves on mankind by takin tolls«
»Dear me« said Mr Pickwick »I never knew that before«
»Fact sir« said Mr Weller »if they was genlmn youd call em
misanthropes but as it is they only takes to pikekeepin«
With such conversation possessing the inestimable charm of blending
amusement with instruction did Mr Weller beguile the tediousness of the
journey during the greater part of the day Topics of conversation were never
wanting for even when any pause occurred in Mr Wellers loquacity it was
abundantly supplied by the desire evinced by Mr Magnus to make himself
acquainted with the whole of the personal history of his fellowtravellers and
his loudlyexpressed anxiety at every stage respecting the safety and
wellbeing of the two bags the leather hatbox and the brownpaper parcel
In the main street of Ipswich on the lefthand side of the way a short
distance after you have passed through the open space fronting the Town Hall
stands an inn known far and wide by the appellation of The Great White Horse
rendered the more conspicuous by a stone statue of some rampacious animal with
flowing mane and tail distantly resembling an insane carthorse which is
elevated above the principal door The Great White Horse is famous in the
neighbourhood in the same degree as a prize ox or county paperchronicled
turnip or unwieldy pig for its enormous size Never were such labyrinths of
uncarpeted passages such clusters of mouldy illlighted rooms such huge
numbers of small dens for eating or sleeping in beneath any one roof as are
collected together between the four walls of the Great White Horse at Ipswich
It was at the door of this overgrown tavern that the London coach stopped
at the same hour every evening and it was from this same London coach that Mr
Pickwick Sam Weller and Mr Peter Magnus dismounted on the particular evening
to which this chapter of our history bears reference
»Do you stop here sir« inquired Mr Peter Magnus when the striped bag
and the red bag and the brownpaper parcel and the leather hatbox had all
been deposited in the passage »Do you stop here sir«
»I do« said Mr Pickwick
»Dear me« said Mr Magnus »I never knew anything like these extraordinary
coincidences Why I stop here too I hope we dine together«
»With pleasure« replied Mr Pickwick »I am not quite certain whether I
have any friends here or not though Is there any gentleman of the name of
Tupman here waiter«
A corpulent man with a fortnights napkin under his arm and coeval
stockings on his legs slowly desisted from his occupation of staring down the
street on this question being put to him by Mr Pickwick and after minutely
inspecting that gentlemans appearance from the crown of his hat to the lowest
button of his gaiters replied emphatically
»No«
»Nor any gentleman of the name of Snodgrass« inquired Mr Pickwick
»No«
»Nor Winkle«
»No«
»My friends have not arrived today sir« said Mr Pickwick »We will dine
alone then Shew us a private room waiter«
On this request being preferred the corpulent man condescended to order the
boots to bring in the gentlemans luggage and preceding them down a long dark
passage ushered them into a large badlyfurnished apartment with a dirty
grate in which a small fire was making a wretched attempt to be cheerful but
was fast sinking beneath the dispiriting influence of the place After the lapse
of an hour a bit of fish and a steak were served up to the travellers and when
the dinner was cleared away Mr Pickwick and Mr Peter Magnus drew their chairs
up to the fire and having ordered a bottle of the worst possible port wine at
the highest possible price for the good of the house drank brandy and water
for their own
Mr Peter Magnus was naturally of a very communicative disposition and the
brandy and water operated with wonderful effect in warming into life the deepest
hidden secrets of his bosom After sundry accounts of himself his family his
connexions his friends his jokes his business and his brothers most
talkative men have a great deal to say about their brothers Mr Peter Magnus
took a blue view of Mr Pickwick through his coloured spectacles for several
minutes and then said with an air of modesty
»And what do you think what do you think Mr Pickwick I have come down
here for«
»Upon my word« said Mr Pickwick »it is wholly impossible for me to guess
on business perhaps«
»Partly right sir« replied Mr Peter Magnus »but partly wrong at the
same time try again Mr Pickwick«
»Really« said Mr Pickwick »I must throw myself on your mercy to tell me
or not as you may think best for I should never guess if I were to try all
night«
»Why then he he he« said Mr Peter Magnus with a bashful titter
»what should you think Mr Pickwick if I had come down here to make a
proposal sir eh He he he«
»Think That you are very likely to succeed« replied Mr Pickwick with one
of his beaming smiles
»Ah« said Mr Magnus »But do you really think so Mr Pickwick Do you
though«
»Certainly« said Mr Pickwick
»No but youre joking though«
»I am not indeed«
»Why then« said Mr Magnus »to let you into a little secret I think so
too I dont mind telling you Mr Pickwick although Im dreadful jealous by
nature horrid that the lady is in this house« Here Mr Magnus took off his
spectacles on purpose to wink and then put them on again
»Thats what you were running out of the room for before dinner then so
often« said Mr Pickwick archly
»Hush Yes youre right that was it not such a fool as to see her
though«
»No«
»No wouldnt do you know after having just come off a journey Wait till
tomorrow sir double the chance then Mr Pickwick sir there is a suit of
clothes in that bag and a hat in that box which I expect in the effect they
will produce will be invaluable to me sir«
»Indeed« said Mr Pickwick
»Yes you must have observed my anxiety about them today I do not believe
that such another suit of clothes and such a hat could be bought for money
Mr Pickwick«
Mr Pickwick congratulated the fortunate owner of the irresistible garments
on their acquisition and Mr Peter Magnus remained for a few moments apparently
absorbed in contemplation
»Shes a fine creature« said Mr Magnus
»Is she« said Mr Pickwick
»Very« said Mr Magnus »very She lives about twenty miles from here Mr
Pickwick I heard she would be here tonight and all tomorrow forenoon and
came down to seize the opportunity I think an inn is a good sort of a place to
propose to a single woman in Mr Pickwick She is more likely to feel the
loneliness of her situation in travelling perhaps than she would be at home
What do you think Mr Pickwick«
»I think it very probable« replied that gentleman
»I beg your pardon Mr Pickwick« said Mr Peter Magnus »but I am
naturally rather curious what may you have come down here for«
»On a far less pleasant errand sir« replied Mr Pickwick the colour
mounting to his face at the recollection »I have come down here sir to expose
the treachery and falsehood of an individual upon whose truth and honour I
placed implicit reliance«
»Dear me« said Mr Peter Magnus »thats very unpleasant It is a lady I
presume Eh ah Sly Mr Pickwick sly Well Mr Pickwick sir I wouldnt
probe your feelings for the world Painful subjects these sir very painful
Dont mind me Mr Pickwick if you wish to give vent to your feelings I know
what it is to be jilted sir I have endured that sort of thing three or four
times«
»I am much obliged to you for your condolence on what you presume to be my
melancholy case« said Mr Pickwick winding up his watch and laying it on the
table »but «
»No no« said Mr Peter Magnus »not a word more its a painful subject I
see I see Whats the time Mr Pickwick«
»Past twelve«
»Dear me its time to go to bed It will never do sitting here I shall be
pale tomorrow Mr Pickwick«
At the bare notion of such a calamity Mr Peter Magnus rang the bell for
the chambermaid and the striped bag the red bag the leathern hatbox and
the brownpaper parcel having been conveyed to his bedroom he retired in
company with a japanned candlestick to one side of the house while Mr
Pickwick and another japanned candlestick were conducted through a multitude
of tortuous windings to another
»This is your room sir« said the chambermaid
»Very well« replied Mr Pickwick looking round him It was a tolerably
large doublebedded room with a fire upon the whole a more
comfortablelooking apartment than Mr Pickwicks short experience of the
accommodations of the Great White Horse had led him to expect
»Nobody sleeps in the other bed of course« said Mr Pickwick
»Oh no sir«
»Very good Tell my servant to bring me up some hot water at halfpast eight
in the morning and that I shall not want him any more tonight«
»Yes sir« And bidding Mr Pickwick good night the chambermaid retired
and left him alone
Mr Pickwick sat himself down in a chair before the fire and fell into a
train of rambling meditations First he thought of his friends and wondered
when they would join him then his mind reverted to Mrs Martha Bardell and
from that lady it wandered by a natural process to the dingy countinghouse of
Dodson and Fogg From Dodson and Foggs it flew off at a tangent to the very
centre of the history of the queer client and then it came back to the Great
White Horse at Ipswich with sufficient clearness to convince Mr Pickwick that
he was falling asleep So he roused himself and began to undress when he
recollected he had left his watch on the table down stairs
Now this watch was a special favourite with Mr Pickwick having been
carried about beneath the shadow of his waistcoat for a greater number of
years than we feel called upon to state at present The possibility of going to
sleep unless it were ticking gently beneath his pillow or in the watchpocket
over his head had never entered Mr Pickwicks brain So as it was pretty late
now and he was unwilling to ring his bell at that hour of the night he slipped
on his coat of which he had just divested himself and taking the japanned
candlestick in his hand walked quietly down stairs
The more stairs Mr Pickwick went down the more stairs there seemed to be
to descend and again and again when Mr Pickwick got into some narrow passage
and began to congratulate himself on having gained the groundfloor did another
flight of stairs appear before his astonished eyes At last he reached a stone
hall which he remembered to have seen when he entered the house Passage after
passage did he explore room after room did he peep into at length as he was
on the point of giving up the search in despair he opened the door of the
identical room in which he had spent the evening and beheld his missing
property on the table
Mr Pickwick seized the watch in triumph and proceeded to retrace his
steps to his bedchamber If his progress downward had been attended with
difficulties and uncertainty his journey back was infinitely more perplexing
Rows of doors garnished with boots of every shape make and size branched off
in every possible direction A dozen times did he softly turn the handle of some
bedroom door which resembled his own when a gruff cry from within of »Who the
devils that« or »What do you want here« caused him to steal away on tiptoe
with a perfectly marvellous celerity He was reduced to the verge of despair
when an open door attracted his attention He peeped in Right at last There
were the two beds whose situation he perfectly remembered and the fire still
burning His candle not a long one when he first received it had flickered
away in the drafts of air through which he had passed and sank into the socket
as he closed the door after him »No matter« said Mr Pickwick »I can undress
myself just as well by the light of the fire«
The bedsteads stood one on each side of the door and on the inner side of
each was a little path terminating in a rushbottomed chair just wide enough
to admit of a persons getting into or out of bed on that side if he or she
thought proper Having carefully drawn the curtains of his bed on the outside
Mr Pickwick sat down on the rushbottomed chair and leisurely divested himself
of his shoes and gaiters He then took off and folded up his coat waistcoat
and neckcloth and slowly drawing on his tasseled nightcap secured it firmly
on his head by tying beneath his chin the strings which he always had attached
to that article of dress It was at this moment that the absurdity of his recent
bewilderment struck upon his mind Throwing himself back in the rushbottomed
chair Mr Pickwick laughed to himself so heartily that it would have been
quite delightful to any man of wellconstituted mind to have watched the smiles
that expanded his amiable features as they shone forth from beneath the
nightcap
»It is the best idea« said Mr Pickwick to himself smiling till he almost
cracked the nightcap strings »It is the best idea my losing myself in this
place and wandering about those staircases that I ever heard of Droll droll
very droll« Here Mr Pickwick smiled again a broader smile than before and
was about to continue the process of undressing in the best possible humour
when he was suddenly stopped by a most unexpected interruption to wit the
entrance into the room of some person with a candle who after locking the
door advanced to the dressing table and set down the light upon it
The smile that played on Mr Pickwicks features was instantaneously lost in
a look of the most unbounded and wonderstricken surprise The person whoever
it was had come in so suddenly and with so little noise that Mr Pickwick had
had no time to call out or oppose their entrance Who could it be A robber
Some evilminded person who had seen him come up stairs with a handsome watch in
his hand perhaps What was he to do
The only way in which Mr Pickwick could catch a glimpse of his mysterious
visitor with the least danger of being seen himself was by creeping on to the
bed and peeping out from between the curtains on the opposite side To this
manoeuvre he accordingly resorted Keeping the curtains carefully closed with
his hand so that nothing more of him could be seen than his face and nightcap
and putting on his spectacles he mustered up courage and looked out
Mr Pickwick almost fainted with horror and dismay Standing before the
dressingglass was a middleaged lady in yellow curlpapers busily engaged in
brushing what ladies call their »backhair« However the unconscious middleaged
lady came into that room it was quite clear that she contemplated remaining
there for the night for she had brought a rushlight and shade with her which
with praiseworthy precaution against fire she had stationed in a basin on the
floor where it was glimmering away like a gigantic lighthouse in a
particularly small piece of water
»Bless my soul« thought Mr Pickwick »what a dreadful thing«
»Hem« said the lady and in went Mr Pickwicks head with automatonlike
rapidity
»I never met with anything so awful as this« thought poor Mr Pickwick the
cold perspiration starting in drops upon his nightcap »Never This is
fearful«
It was quite impossible to resist the urgent desire to see what was going
forward So out went Mr Pickwicks head again The prospect was worse than
before The middleaged lady had finished arranging her hair had carefully
enveloped it in a muslin nightcap with a small plaited border and was gazing
pensively on the fire
»This matter is growing alarming« reasoned Mr Pickwick with himself »I
cant allow things to go on in this way By the self-possession of that lady it
is clear to me that I must have come into the wrong room If I call out shell
alarm the house but if I remain here the consequences will be still more
frightful«
Mr Pickwick it is quite unnecessary to say was one of the most modest and
delicateminded of mortals The very idea of exhibiting his nightcap to a lady
overpowered him but he had tied those confounded strings in a knot and do
what he would he couldnt get it off The disclosure must be made There was
only one other way of doing it He shrunk behind the curtains and called out
very loudly
»Ha hum«
That the lady started at this unexpected sound was evident by her falling
up against the rushlight shade that she persuaded herself it must have been the
effect of imagination was equally clear for when Mr Pickwick under the
impression that she had fainted away stonedead from fright ventured to peep
out again she was gazing pensively on the fire as before
»Most extraordinary female this« thought Mr Pickwick popping in again
»Ha hum«
These last sounds so like those in which as legends inform us the
ferocious giant Blunderbore was in the habit of expressing his opinion that it
was time to lay the cloth were too distinctly audible to be again mistaken for
the workings of fancy
»Gracious Heaven« said the middleaged lady »whats that«
»Its its only a gentleman Maam« said Mr Pickwick from behind the
curtains
»A gentleman« said the lady with a terrific scream
»Its all over« thought Mr Pickwick
»A strange man« shrieked the lady Another instant and the house would be
alarmed Her garments rustled as she rushed towards the door
»Maam« said Mr Pickwick thrusting out his head in the extremity of his
desperation »Maam«
Now although Mr Pickwick was not actuated by any definite object in
putting out his head it was instantaneously productive of a good effect The
lady as we have already stated was near the door She must pass it to reach
the staircase and she would most undoubtedly have done so by this time had not
the sudden apparition of Mr Pickwicks nightcap driven her back into the
remotest corner of the apartment where she stood staring wildly at Mr
Pickwick while Mr Pickwick in his turn stared wildly at her
»Wretch« said the lady covering her eyes with her hands »what do you want
here«
»Nothing Maam nothing whatever Maam« said Mr Pickwick earnestly
»Nothing« said the lady looking up
»Nothing Maam upon my honour« said Mr Pickwick nodding his head so
energetically that the tassel of his nightcap danced again »I am almost ready
to sink Maam beneath the confusion of addressing a lady in my nightcap here
the lady hastily snatched off hers but I cant get it off Maam here Mr
Pickwick gave it a tremendous tug in proof of the statement It is evident to
me Maam now that I have mistaken this bedroom for my own I had not been
here five minutes Maam when you suddenly entered it«
»If this improbable story be really true sir« said the lady sobbing
violently »you will leave it instantly«
»I will Maam with the greatest pleasure« replied Mr Pickwick
»Instantly sir« said the lady
»Certainly Maam« interposed Mr Pickwick very quickly »Certainly Maam
I I am very sorry Maam« said Mr Pickwick making his appearance at the
bottom of the bed »to have been the innocent occasion of this alarm and
emotion deeply sorry Maam«
The lady pointed to the door One excellent quality of Mr Pickwicks
character was beautifully displayed at this moment under the most trying
circumstances Although he had hastily put on his hat over his nightcap after
the manner of the old patrol although he carried his shoes and gaiters in his
hand and his coat and waistcoat over his arm nothing could subdue his native
politeness
»I am exceedingly sorry Maam« said Mr Pickwick bowing very low
»If you are sir you will at once leave the room« said the lady
»Immediately Maam this instant Maam« said Mr Pickwick opening the
door and dropping both his shoes with a crash in so doing
»I trust Maam« resumed Mr Pickwick gathering up his shoes and turning
round to bow again »I trust Maam that my unblemished character and the
devoted respect I entertain for your sex will plead as some slight excuse for
this« But before Mr Pickwick could conclude the sentence the lady had thrust
him into the passage and locked and bolted the door behind him
Whatever grounds of self-congratulation Mr Pickwick might have for having
escaped so quietly from his late awkward situation his present position was by
no means enviable He was alone in an open passage in a strange house in the
middle of the night half dressed it was not to be supposed that he could find
his way in perfect darkness to a room which he had been wholly unable to
discover with a light and if he made the slightest noise in his fruitless
attempts to do so he stood every chance of being shot at and perhaps killed
by some wakeful traveller He had no resource but to remain where he was until
daylight appeared So after groping his way a few paces down the passage and
to his infinite alarm stumbling over several pairs of boots in so doing Mr
Pickwick crouched into a little recess in the wall to wait for morning as
philosophically as he might
He was not destined however to undergo this additional trial of patience
for he had not been long ensconced in his present concealment when to his
unspeakable horror a man bearing a light appeared at the end of the passage
His horror was suddenly converted into joy however when he recognised the form
of his faithful attendant It was indeed Mr Samuel Weller who after sitting up
thus late in conversation with the Boots who was sitting up for the mail was
now about to retire to rest
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick suddenly appearing before him »wheres my
bedroom«
Mr Weller stared at his master with the most emphatic surprise and it was
not until the question had been repeated three several times that he turned
round and led the way to the longsought apartment
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick as he got into bed »I have made one of the most
extraordinary mistakes tonight that ever were heard of«
»Wery likely sir« replied Mr Weller drily
»But of this I am determined Sam« said Mr Pickwick »that if I were to
stop in this house for six months I would never trust myself about it alone
again«
»Thats the wery prudentest resolution as you could come to sir« replied
Mr Weller »You rayther want somebody to look arter you sir wen your judgment
goes out a wisitin«
»What do you mean by that Sam« said Mr Pickwick He raised himself in
bed and extended his hand as if he were about to say something more but
suddenly checking himself turned round and bade his valet »Good night«
»Good night sir« replied Mr Weller He paused when he got outside the
door shook his head walked on stopped snuffed the candle shook his
head again and finally proceeded slowly to his chamber apparently buried in
the profoundest meditation
Chapter XXIII
In Which Mr Samuel Weller Begins to Devote His Energies to the Return Match
between Himself and Mr Trotter
In a small room in the vicinity of the stableyard betimes in the morning
which was ushered in by Mr Pickwicks adventure with the middleaged lady in
the yellow curlpapers sat Mr Weller senior preparing himself for his journey
to London He was sitting in an excellent attitude for having his portrait
taken
It is very possible that at some earlier period of his career Mr Wellers
profile might have presented a bold and determined outline His face however
had expanded under the influence of good living and a disposition remarkable
for resignation and its bold fleshy curves had so far extended beyond the
limits originally assigned them that unless you took a full view of his
countenance in front it was difficult to distinguish more than the extreme tip
of a very rubicund nose His chin from the same cause had acquired the grave
and imposing form which is generally described by prefixing the word double to
that expressive feature and his complexion exhibited that peculiarly mottled
combination of colours which is only to be seen in gentlemen of his profession
and in underdone roast beef Round his neck he wore a crimson travelling shawl
which merged into his chin by such imperceptible gradations that it was
difficult to distinguish the folds of the one from the folds of the other Over
this he mounted a long waistcoat of a broad pinkstriped pattern and over that
again a wideskirted green coat ornamented with large brass buttons whereof
the two which garnished the waist were so far apart that no man had ever
beheld them both at the same time His hair which was short sleek and black
was just visible beneath the capacious brim of a lowcrowned brown hat His legs
were encased in kneecord breeches and painted topboots and a copper
watchchain terminating in one seal and a key of the same material dangled
loosely from his capacious waistband
We have said that Mr Weller was engaged in preparing for his journey to
London he was taking sustenance in fact On the table before him stood a pot
of ale a cold round of beef and a very respectablelooking loaf to each of
which he distributed his favours in turn with the most rigid impartiality He
had just cut a mighty slice from the latter when the footsteps of somebody
entering the room caused him to raise his head and he beheld his son
»Mornin Sammy« said the father
The son walked up to the pot of ale and nodding significantly to his
parent took a long draught by way of reply
»Werry good power o suction Sammy« said Mr Weller the elder looking
into the pot when his firstborn had set it down half empty »Youd ha made an
uncommon fine oyster Sammy if youd been born in that station o life«
»Yes I dessay I should ha managed to pick up a respectable livin«
replied Sam applying himself to the cold beef with considerable vigour
»Im wery sorry Sammy« said the elder Mr Weller shaking up the ale by
describing small circles with the pot preparatory to drinking »Im wery sorry
Sammy to hear from your lips as you let yourself be gammoned by that ere
mulberry man I always thought up to three days ago that the names of Veller
and gammon could never come into contract Sammy never«
»Always exceptin the case of a widder of course« said Sam
»Widders Sammy« replied Mr Weller slightly changing colour »Widders are
ceptions to evry rule I have heerd how many ordnary women one widders
equal to in pint o comin over you I think its fiveandtwenty but I dont
rightly know vether it ant more«
»Well thats pretty well« said Sam
»Besides« continued Mr Weller not noticing the interruption »thats a
wery different thing You know what the counsel said Sammy as defended the
genlemn as beat his wife with the poker venever he got jolly And arter all
my Lord says he its a amable weakness So I says respectin widders Sammy
and so youll say ven you gets as old as me«
»I ought to ha knowd better I know« said Sam
»Ought to ha knowd better« repeated Mr Weller striking the table with
his fist »Ought to ha knowd better why I know a young un as hasnt had
half nor quarter your eddication as hasnt slept about the markets no not
six months whod ha scorned to be let in in such a vay scorned it Sammy«
In the excitement of feeling produced by this agonising reflection Mr Weller
rang the bell and ordered an additional pint of ale
»Well its no use talking about it now« said Sam »Its over and cant be
helped and thats one consolation as they always says in Turkey ven they cuts
the wrong mans head off Its my innings now govrnor and as soon as I
catches hold o this ere Trotter Ill have a good un«
»I hope you will Sammy I hope you will« returned Mr Weller »Heres your
health Sammy and may you speedily vipe off the disgrace as youve inflicted on
the family name« In honour of this toast Mr Weller imbibed at a draught at
least twothirds of the newlyarrived pint and handed it over to his son to
dispose of the remainder which he instantaneously did
»And now Sammy« said Mr Weller consulting the large doublefaced silver
watch that hung at the end of the copper chain »Now its time I was up at the
office to get my vaybill and see the coach loaded for coaches Sammy is like
guns they requires to be loaded with wery great care afore they go off«
At this parental and professional joke Mr Weller junior smiled a filial
smile His revered parent continued in a solemn tone
»Im a goin to leave you Samivel my boy and theres no telling ven I
shall see you again Your motherinlaw may ha been too much for me or a
thousand things may have happened by the time you next hears any news o the
celebrated Mr Veller o the Bell Savage The family name depends wery much upon
you Samivel and I hope youll do wots right by it Upon all little pints o
breedin I know I may trust you as vell as if it was my own self So Ive only
this here one little bit of adwice to give you If ever you gets to upards o
fifty and feels disposed to go a marryin anybody no matter who jist you
shut yourself up in your own room if youve got one and pison yourself off
hand Hangins wulgar so dont you have nothin to say to that Pison yourself
Samivel my boy pison yourself and youll be glad on it arterwards« With
these affecting words Mr Weller looked stedfastly on his son and turning
slowly upon his heel disappeared from his sight
In the contemplative mood which these words had awakened Mr Samuel Weller
walked forth from the Great White Horse when his father had left him and
bending his steps towards St Clements Church endeavoured to dissipate his
melancholy by strolling among its ancient precincts He had loitered about for
some time when he found himself in a retired spot a kind of courtyard of
venerable appearance which he discovered had no other outlet than the turning
by which he had entered He was about retracing his steps when he was suddenly
transfixed to the spot by a sudden appearance and the mode and manner of this
appearance we now proceed to relate
Mr Samuel Weller had been staring up at the old brick houses now and then
in his deep abstraction bestowing a wink upon some healthylooking servant girl
as she drew up a blind or threw open a bedroom window when the green gate of
a garden at the bottom of the yard opened and a man having emerged therefrom
closed the green gate very carefully after him and walked briskly towards the
very spot where Mr Weller was standing
Now taking this as an isolated fact unaccompanied by any attendant
circumstances there was nothing very extraordinary in it because in many parts
of the world men do come out of gardens close green gates after them and even
walk briskly away without attracting any particular share of public
observation It is clear therefore that there must have been something in the
man or in his manner or both to attract Mr Wellers particular notice
Whether there was or not we must leave the reader to determine, when we have
faithfully recorded the behaviour of the individual in question
When the man had shut the green gate after him he walked as we have said
twice already with a brisk pace up the courtyard but he no sooner caught
sight of Mr Weller than he faltered and stopped as if uncertain for the
moment what course to adopt As the green gate was closed behind him and there
was no other outlet but the one in front however he was not long in perceiving
that he must pass Mr Samuel Weller to get away He therefore resumed his brisk
pace and advanced staring straight before him The most extraordinary thing
about the man was that he was contorting his face into the most fearful and
astonishing grimaces that ever were beheld Natures handywork never was
disguised with such extraordinary artificial carving as the man had overlaid
his countenance with in one moment
»Well« said Mr Weller to himself as the man approached »This is wery
odd I could ha swore it was him«
Up came the man and his face became more frightfully distorted than ever
as he drew nearer
»I could take my oath to that ere black hair and mulberry suit« said Mr
Weller »only I never see such a face as that afore«
As Mr Weller said this the mans features assumed an unearthly twinge
perfectly hideous He was obliged to pass very near Sam however and the
scrutinising glance of that gentleman enabled him to detect under all these
appalling twists of feature something too like the small eyes of Mr Job
Trotter to be easily mistaken
»Hallo you sir« shouted Sam fiercely
The stranger stopped
»Hallo« repeated Sam still more gruffly
The man with the horrible face looked with the greatest surprise up the
court and down the court and in at the windows of the houses everywhere but
at Sam Weller and took another step forward when he was brought to again by
another shout
»Hallo you sir« said Sam for the third time
There was no pretending to mistake where the voice came from now so the
stranger having no other resource at last looked Sam Weller full in the face
»It wont do Job Trotter« said Sam »Come None o that ere nonsense You
aint so wery andsome that you can afford to throw avay many o your good
looks Bring them ere eyes o yourn back into their proper places or Ill
knock em out of your head Dye hear«
As Mr Weller appeared fully disposed to act up to the spirit of this
address Mr Trotter gradually allowed his face to resume its natural
expression and then giving a start of joy exclaimed »What do I see Mr
Walker«
»Ah« replied Sam »Youre wery glad to see me aint you«
»Glad« exclaimed Job Trotter »oh Mr Walker if you had but known how I
have looked forward to this meeting It is too much Mr Walker I cannot bear
it indeed I cannot« And with these words Mr Trotter burst into a regular
inundation of tears and flinging his arms around those of Mr Weller embraced
him closely in an ecstasy of joy
»Get off« cried Sam indignant at this process, and vainly endeavouring to
extricate himself from the grasp of his enthusiastic acquaintance »Get off I
tell you What are you crying over me for you portable ingine«
»Because I am so glad to see you« replied Job Trotter gradually releasing
Mr Weller as the first symptoms of his pugnacity disappeared »Oh Mr Walker
this is too much«
»Too much« echoed Sam »I think it is too much rayther Now what have you
got to say to me eh«
Mr Trotter made no reply for the little pink pocket handkerchief was in
full force
»What have you got to say to me afore I knock your head off« repeated Mr
Weller in a threatening manner
»Eh« said Mr Trotter with a look of virtuous surprise
»What have you got to say to me«
»I Mr Walker«
»Dont call me Valker my names Veller you know that vell enough What
have you got to say to me«
»Bless you Mr Walker Weller I mean a great many things if you will
come away somewhere where we can talk comfortably If you knew how I have
looked for you Mr Weller «
»Wery hard indeed I spose« said Sam drily
»Very very sir« replied Mr Trotter without moving a muscle of his face
»But shake hands Mr Weller«
Sam eyed his companion for a few seconds and then as if actuated by a
sudden impulse complied with his request
»How« said Job Trotter as they walked away »How is your dear good
master Oh he is a worthy gentleman Mr Weller I hope he didnt catch cold
that dreadful night sir«
There was a momentary look of deep slyness in Job Trotters eye as he said
this which ran a thrill through Mr Wellers clenched fist as he burnt with a
desire to make a demonstration on his ribs Sam constrained himself however
and replied that his master was extremely well
»Oh I am so glad« replied Mr Trotter »is he here«
»Is yourn« asked Sam by way of reply
»Oh yes he is here and I grieve to say Mr Weller he is going on worse
than ever«
»Ah ah« said Sam
»Oh shocking terrible«
»At a boardingschool« said Sam
»No not at a boardingschool« replied Job Trotter with the same sly look
which Sam had noticed before »Not at a boardingschool«
»At the house with the green gate« said Sam eyeing his companion closely
»No no oh not there« replied Job with a quickness very unusual to him
»not there«
»What was you a doin there« asked Sam with a sharp glance »Got inside
the gate by accident perhaps«
»Why Mr Weller« replied Job »I dont mind telling you my little secrets
because you know we took such a fancy for each other when we first met You
recollect how pleasant we were that morning«
»Oh yes« said Sam impatiently »I remember Well«
»Well« replied Job speaking with great precision and in the low tone of a
man who communicates an important secret »in that house with the green gate
Mr Weller they keep a good many servants«
»So I should think from the look on it« interposed Sam
»Yes« continued Mr Trotter »and one of them is a cook who has saved up a
little money Mr Weller and is desirous if she can establish herself in life
to open a little shop in the chandlery way you see«
»Yes«
»Yes Mr Weller Well sir I met her at a chapel that I go to a very neat
little chapel in this town Mr Weller where they sing the number four
collection of hymns which I generally carry about with me in a little book
which you may perhaps have seen in my hand and I got a little intimate with
her Mr Weller and from that an acquaintance sprung up between us and I may
venture to say Mr Weller that I am to be the chandler«
»Ah and a wery amiable chandler youll make« replied Sam eyeing Job with
a side look of intense dislike
»The great advantage of this Mr Weller« continued Job his eyes filling
with tears as he spoke »will be that I shall be able to leave my present
disgraceful service with that bad man and to devote myself to a better and more
virtuous life more like the way in which I was brought up Mr Weller«
»You must ha been wery nicely brought up« said Sam
»Oh very Mr Weller very« replied Job At the recollection of the purity
of his youthful days Mr Trotter pulled forth the pink handkerchief and wept
copiously
»You must ha been an uncommon nice boy to go to school vith« said Sam
»I was sir« replied Job heaving a deep sigh »I was the idol of the
place«
»Ah« said Sam »I dont wonder at it What a comfort you must ha been to
your blessed mother«
At these words Mr Job Trotter inserted an end of the pink handkerchief
into the corner of each eye one after the other and began to weep copiously
»Wots the matter vith the man« said Sam indignantly »Chelsea waterworks
is nothin to you What are you melting vith now The consciousness o
willainy«
»I cannot keep my feelings down Mr Weller« said Job after a short pause
»To think that my master should have suspected the conversation I had with
yours and so dragged me away in a postchaise and after persuading the sweet
young lady to say she knew nothing of him and bribing the schoolmistress to do
the same deserted her for a better speculation Oh Mr Weller it makes me
shudder«
»Oh that was the vay was it« said Mr Weller
»To be sure it was« replied Job
»Vell« said Sam as they had now arrived near the Hotel »I vant to have a
little bit o talk with you Job so if youre not partickler engaged I should
like to see you at the Great White Horse tonight somewheres about eight o
clock«
»I shall be sure to come« said Job
»Yes youd better« replied Sam with a very meaning look »or else I shall
perhaps be asking arter you at the other side of the green gate and then I
might cut you out you know«
»I shall be sure to be with you sir« said Mr Trotter and wringing Sams
hand with the utmost fervour he walked away
»Take care Job Trotter take care« said Sam looking after him »or I
shall be one too many for you this time I shall indeed« Having uttered this
soliloquy and looked after Job till he was to be seen no more Mr Weller made
the best of his way to his masters bedroom
»Its all in training sir« said Sam
»Whats in training Sam« inquired Mr Pickwick
»I have found em out sir« said Sam
»Found out who«
»That ere queer customer and the melancholly chap with the black hair«
»Impossible Sam« said Mr Pickwick with the greatest energy »Where are
they Sam where are they«
»Hush hush« replied Mr Weller and as he assisted Mr Pickwick to dress
he detailed the plan of action on which he proposed to enter
»But when is this to be done Sam« inquired Mr Pickwick
»All in good time sir« replied Sam
Whether it was done in good time or not will be seen hereafter
Chapter XXIV
Wherein Mr Peter Magnus Grows Jealous and the MiddleAged Lady Apprehensive
Which Brings the Pickwickians Within the Grasp of the Law
When Mr Pickwick descended to the room in which he and Mr Peter Magnus had
spent the preceding evening he found that gentleman with the major part of the
contents of the two bags the leathern hatbox and the brownpaper parcel
displayed to all possible advantage on his person while he himself was pacing
up and down the room in a state of the utmost excitement and agitation
»Good morning sir« said Mr Peter Magnus »What do you think of this
sir«
»Very effective indeed« replied Mr Pickwick surveying the garments of Mr
Peter Magnus with a goodnatured smile
»Yes I think itll do« said Mr Magnus »Mr Pickwick sir I have sent up
my card«
»Have you« said Mr Pickwick
»And the waiter brought back word that she would see me at eleven at
eleven sir it only wants a quarter now«
»Very near the time« said Mr Pickwick
»Yes it is rather near« replied Mr Magnus »rather too near to be
pleasant eh Mr Pickwick sir«
»Confidence is a great thing in these cases« observed Mr Pickwick
»I believe it is sir« said Mr Peter Magnus »I am very confident sir
Really Mr Pickwick I do not see why a man should feel any fear in such a case
as this sir What is it sir Theres nothing to be ashamed of its a matter
of mutual accommodation nothing more Husband on one side wife on the other
Thats my view of the matter Mr Pickwick«
»It is a very philosophical one« replied Mr Pickwick »But breakfast is
waiting Mr Magnus Come«
Down they sat to breakfast but it was evident notwithstanding the boasting
of Mr Peter Magnus that he laboured under a very considerable degree of
nervousness of which loss of appetite a propensity to upset the teathings a
spectral attempt at drollery and an irresistible inclination to look at the
clock every other second were among the principal symptoms
»He he he« tittered Mr Magnus affecting cheerfulness and gasping
with agitation »It only wants two minutes Mr Pickwick Am I pale sir«
»Not very« replied Mr Pickwick
There was a brief pause
»I beg your pardon Mr Pickwick but have you ever done this sort of thing
in your time« said Mr Magnus
»You mean proposing« said Mr Pickwick
»Yes«
»Never« said Mr Pickwick with great energy »never«
»You have no idea then how its best to begin« said Mr Magnus
»Why« said Mr Pickwick »I may have formed some ideas upon the subject
but as I have never submitted them to the test of experience, I should be sorry
if you were induced to regulate your proceedings by them«
»I should feel very much obliged to you for any advice sir« said Mr
Magnus taking another look at the clock the hand of which was verging on the
five minutes past
»Well sir« said Mr Pickwick with the profound solemnity with which that
great man could when he pleased render his remarks so deeply impressive »I
should commence sir with a tribute to the ladys beauty and excellent
qualities from them sir I should diverge to my own unworthiness«
»Very good« said Mr Magnus
»Unworthiness for her only mind sir« resumed Mr Pickwick »for to shew
that I was not wholly unworthy sir I should take a brief review of my past
life and present condition I should argue by analogy that to anybody else I
must be a very desirable object I should then expatiate on the warmth of my
love and the depth of my devotion Perhaps I might then be tempted to seize her
hand«
»Yes I see« said Mr Magnus »that would be a very great point«
»I should then sir« continued Mr Pickwick growing warmer as the subject
presented itself in more glowing colours before him »I should then sir come
to the plain and simple question Will you have me I think I am justified in
assuming that upon this she would turn away her head«
»You think that may be taken for granted« said Mr Magnus »because if she
did not do that at the right place it would be embarrassing«
»I think she would« said Mr Pickwick »Upon this sir I should squeeze
her hand and I think I think Mr Magnus that after I had done that
supposing there was no refusal I should gently draw away the handkerchief
which my slight knowledge of human nature leads me to suppose the lady would be
applying to her eyes at the moment and steal a respectful kiss I think I
should kiss her Mr Magnus and at this particular point I am decidedly of
opinion that if the lady were going to take me at all she would murmur into my
ears a bashful acceptance«
Mr Magnus started gazed on Mr Pickwicks intelligent face for a short
time in silence and then the dial pointing to the ten minutes past shook him
warmly by the hand and rushed desperately from the room
Mr Pickwick had taken a few strides to and fro and the small hand of the
clock following the latter part of his example had arrived at the figure which
indicates the half hour when the door suddenly opened He turned round to meet
Mr Peter Magnus and encountered in his stead the joyous face of Mr Tupman
the serene countenance of Mr Winkle and the intellectual lineaments of Mr
Snodgrass As Mr Pickwick greeted them Mr Peter Magnus tripped into the room
»My friends the gentleman I was speaking of Mr Magnus« said Mr
Pickwick
»Your servant gentlemen« said Mr Magnus evidently in a high state of
excitement »Mr Pickwick allow me to speak to you one moment sir«
As he said this Mr Magnus harnessed his forefinger to Mr Pickwicks
buttonhole and drawing him to a window recess said
»Congratulate me Mr Pickwick I followed your advice to the very letter«
»And it was all correct was it« inquired Mr Pickwick
»It was sir Could not possibly have been better« replied Mr Magnus »Mr
Pickwick she is mine«
»I congratulate you with all my heart« replied Mr Pickwick warmly shaking
his new friend by the hand
»You must see her sir« said Mr Magnus »this way if you please Excuse
us for one instant gentlemen« Hurrying on in this way Mr Peter Magnus drew
Mr Pickwick from the room He paused at the next door in the passage and
tapped gently thereat
»Come in« said a female voice And in they went
»Miss Witherfield« said Mr Magnus »Allow me to introduce my very
particular friend Mr Pickwick Mr Pickwick I beg to make you known to Miss
Witherfield«
The lady was at the upper end of the room As Mr Pickwick bowed he took
his spectacles from his waistcoat pocket and put them on a process which he
had no sooner gone through than uttering an exclamation of surprise Mr
Pickwick retreated several paces and the lady with a halfsuppressed scream
hid her face in her hands and dropped into a chair whereupon Mr Peter Magnus
was stricken motionless on the spot and gazed from one to the other with a
countenance expressive of the extremities of horror and surprise
This certainly was to all appearance very unaccountable behaviour but the
fact is that Mr Pickwick no sooner put on his spectacles than he at once
recognised in the future Mrs Magnus the lady into whose room he had so
unwarrantably intruded on the previous night and the spectacles had no sooner
crossed Mr Pickwicks nose than the lady at once identified the countenance
which she had seen surrounded by all the horrors of a nightcap So the lady
screamed and Mr Pickwick started
»Mr Pickwick« exclaimed Mr Magnus lost in astonishment »What is the
meaning of this sir What is the meaning of it sir« added Mr Magnus in a
threatening and a louder tone
»Sir« said Mr Pickwick somewhat indignant at the very sudden manner in
which Mr Peter Magnus had conjugated himself into the imperative mood »I
decline answering that question«
»You decline it sir« said Mr Magnus
»I do sir« replied Mr Pickwick »I object to saying anything which may
compromise that lady or awaken unpleasant recollections in her breast without
her consent and permission«
»Miss Witherfield« said Mr Peter Magnus »do you know this person«
»Know him« repeated the middleaged lady hesitating
»Yes know him maam I said know him« replied Mr Magnus with ferocity
»I have seen him« replied the middleaged lady
»Where« inquired Mr Magnus »where«
»That« said the middleaged lady rising from her seat and averting her
head »that I would not reveal for worlds«
»I understand you maam« said Mr Pickwick »and respect your delicacy it
shall never be revealed by me depend upon it«
»Upon my word maam« said Mr Magnus »considering the situation in which
I am placed with regard to yourself you carry this matter off with tolerable
coolness tolerable coolness maam«
»Cruel Mr Magnus« said the middleaged lady here she wept very copiously
indeed
»Address your observations to me sir« interposed Mr Pickwick »I alone am
to blame if anybody be«
»Oh you alone are to blame are you sir« said Mr Magnus »I I see
through this sir You repent of your determination now do you«
»My determination« said Mr Pickwick
»Your determination sir Oh dont stare at me sir« said Mr Magnus »I
recollect your words last night sir You came down here sir to expose the
treachery and falsehood of an individual on whose truth and honour you had
placed implicit reliance eh« Here Mr Peter Magnus indulged in a prolonged
sneer and taking off his green spectacles which he probably found superfluous
in his fit of jealousy rolled his little eyes about in a manner frightful to
behold
»Eh« said Mr Magnus and then he repeated the sneer with increased effect
»But you shall answer it sir«
»Answer what« said Mr Pickwick
»Never mind sir« replied Mr Magnus striding up and down the room »Never
mind«
There must be something very comprehensive in this phrase of Never mind for
we do not recollect to have ever witnessed a quarrel in the street at a
theatre public room or elsewhere in which it has not been the standard reply
to all belligerent inquiries »Do you call yourself a gentleman sir« »Never
mind sir« »Did I offer to say anything to the young woman sir« »Never
mind sir« »Do you want your head knocked up against that wall sir« »Never
mind sir« It is observable too that there would appear to be some hidden
taunt in this universal Never mind which rouses more indignation in the bosom
of the individual addressed than the most lavish abuse could possibly awaken
We do not mean to assert that the application of this brevity to himself
struck exactly that indignation to Mr Pickwicks soul which it would
infallibly have roused in a vulgar breast We merely record the fact that Mr
Pickwick opened the room door and abruptly called out »Tupman come here«
Mr Tupman immediately presented himself with a look of very considerable
surprise
»Tupman« said Mr Pickwick »a secret of some delicacy in which that lady
is concerned is the cause of a difference which has just arisen between this
gentleman and myself When I assure him in your presence that it has no
relation to himself and is not in any way connected with his affairs I need
hardly beg you to take notice that if he continue to dispute it he expresses a
doubt of my veracity which I shall consider extremely insulting« As Mr
Pickwick said this he looked encyclopædias at Mr Peter Magnus
Mr Pickwicks upright and honourable bearing coupled with that force and
energy of speech which so eminently distinguished him would have carried
conviction to any reasonable mind but unfortunately at that particular moment
the mind of Mr Peter Magnus was in anything but reasonable order Consequently
instead of receiving Mr Pickwicks explanation as he ought to have done he
forthwith proceeded to work himself into a redhot scorching consuming
passion and to talk about what was due to his own feelings and all that sort
of thing adding force to his declamation by striding to and fro and pulling
his hair amusements which he would vary occasionally by shaking his fist in
Mr Pickwicks philanthropic countenance
Mr Pickwick in his turn conscious of his own innocence and rectitude and
irritated by having unfortunately involved the middleaged lady in such an
unpleasant affair was not so quietly disposed as was his wont The consequence
was that words ran high and voices higher and at length Mr Magnus told Mr
Pickwick he should hear from him to which Mr Pickwick replied with laudable
politeness that the sooner he heard from him the better whereupon the
middleaged lady rushed in terror from the room out of which Mr Tupman dragged
Mr Pickwick leaving Mr Peter Magnus to himself and meditation
If the middleaged lady had mingled much with the busy world or had
profited at all by the manners and customs of those who make the laws and set
the fashions she would have known that this sort of ferocity is the most
harmless thing in nature; but as she had lived for the most part in the country
and never read the parliamentary debates she was little versed in these
particular refinements of civilised life Accordingly when she had gained her
bedchamber bolted herself in and begun to meditate on the scene she had just
witnessed the most terrific pictures of slaughter and destruction presented
themselves to her imagination among which a fulllength portrait of Mr Peter
Magnus borne home by four men with the embellishment of a whole barrelfull of
bullets in his left side was among the very least The more the middleaged
lady meditated the more terrified she became and at length she determined to
repair to the house of the principal magistrate of the town and request him to
secure the persons of Mr Pickwick and Mr Tupman without delay
To this decision the middleaged lady was impelled by a variety of
considerations the chief of which was the incontestable proof it would afford
of her devotion to Mr Peter Magnus and her anxiety for his safety She was too
well acquainted with his jealous temperament to venture the slightest allusion
to the real cause of her agitation on beholding Mr Pickwick and she trusted to
her own influence and power of persuasion with the little man to quell his
boisterous jealousy supposing that Mr Pickwick were removed and no fresh
quarrel could arise Filled with these reflections the middleaged lady arrayed
herself in her bonnet and shawl and repaired to the Mayors dwelling
straightway
Now George Nupkins Esquire the principal magistrate aforesaid was as
grand a personage as the fastest walker would find out between sunrise and
sunset on the twentyfirst of June which being according to the almanacs the
longest day in the whole year would naturally afford him the longest period for
his search On this particular morning Mr Nupkins was in a state of the utmost
excitement and irritation for there had been a rebellion in the town all the
dayscholars at the largest dayschool had conspired to break the windows of an
obnoxious appleseller and had hooted the beadle and pelted the constabulary
an elderly gentleman in topboots who had been called out to repress the
tumult and who had been a peaceofficer man and boy for half a century at
least And Mr Nupkins was sitting in his easy chair frowning with majesty and
boiling with rage when a lady was announced on pressing private and
particular business Mr Nupkins looked calmly terrible and commanded that the
lady should be shown in which command like all the mandates of emperors and
magistrates and other great potentates of the earth was forthwith obeyed and
Miss Witherfield interestingly agitated was ushered in accordingly
»Muzzle« said the magistrate
Muzzle was an undersized footman with a long body and short legs
»Muzzle«
»Yes your worship«
»Place a chair and leave the room«
»Yes your worship«
»Now maam will you state your business« said the magistrate
»It is of a very painful kind sir« said Miss Witherfield
»Very likely maam« said the magistrate »Compose your feelings maam«
Here Mr Nupkins looked benignant »And then tell me what legal business brings
you here maam« Here the magistrate triumphed over the man and he looked
stern again
»It is very distressing to me sir to give this information« said Miss
Witherfield »but I fear a duel is going to be fought here«
»Here maam« said the magistrate »Where maam«
»In Ipswich«
»In Ipswich maam A duel in Ipswich« said the magistrate perfectly
aghast at the notion. »Impossible maam nothing of the kind can be
contemplated in this town I am persuaded Bless my soul maam are you aware
of the activity of our local magistracy Do you happen to have heard maam
that I rushed into a prizering on the fourth of May last attended by only
sixty special constables and at the hazard of falling a sacrifice to the angry
passions of an infuriated multitude prohibited a pugilistic contest between the
Middlesex Dumpling and the Suffolk Bantam A duel in Ipswich maam I dont
think I do not think« said the magistrate reasoning with himself »that any
two men can have had the hardihood to plan such a breach of the peace in this
town«
»My information is unfortunately but too correct« said the middleaged
lady »I was present at the quarrel«
»Its a most extraordinary thing« said the astounded magistrate »Muzzle«
»Yes your worship«
»Send Mr Jinks here directly Instantly«
»Yes your worship«
Muzzle retired and a pale sharpnosed halffed shabbilyclad clerk of
middle age entered the room
»Mr Jinks« said the magistrate »Mr Jinks«
»Sir« said Mr Jinks
»This lady Mr Jinks has come here to give information of an intended
duel in this town«
Mr Jinks not knowing exactly what to do smiled a dependents smile
»What are you laughing at Mr Jinks« said the magistrate
Mr Jinks looked serious instantly
»Mr Jinks« said the magistrate »youre a fool«
Mr Jinks looked humbly at the great man and bit the top of his pen
»You may see something very comical in this information sir but I can tell
you this Mr Jinks that you have very little to laugh at« said the
magistrate
The hungrylooking Jinks sighed as if he were quite aware of the fact of
his having very little indeed to be merry about and being ordered to take the
ladys information shambled to a seat and proceeded to write it down
»This man Pickwick is the principal I understand« said the magistrate
when the statement was finished
»He is« said the middleaged lady
»And the other rioter whats his name Mr Jinks«
»Tupman sir«
»Tupman is the second«
»Yes«
»The other principal you say has absconded maam«
»Yes« replied Miss Witherfield with a short cough
»Very well« said the magistrate »These are two cutthroats from London
who have come down here to destroy his Majestys population thinking that at
this distance from the capital the arm of the law is weak and paralysed They
shall be made an example of Draw up the warrants Mr Jinks Muzzle«
»Yes your worship«
»Is Grummer down stairs«
»Yes your worship«
»Send him up«
The obsequious Muzzle retired and presently returned introducing the
elderly gentleman in the topboots who was chiefly remarkable for a
bottlenose a hoarse voice a snuffcoloured surtout and a wandering eye
»Grummer« said the magistrate
»Your washup«
»Is the town quiet now«
»Pretty well your washup« replied Grummer »Poplar feeling has in a
measure subsided consekens o the boys having dispersed to cricket«
»Nothing but vigorous measures will do in these times Grummer« said the
magistrate in a determined manner »If the authority of the kings officers is
set at nought we must have the riot act read If the civil power cannot protect
these windows Grummer the military must protect the civil power and the
windows too I believe that is a maxim of the constitution Mr Jinks«
»Certainly sir« said Jinks
»Very good« said the magistrate signing the warrants »Grummer you will
bring these persons before me this afternoon You will find them at the Great
White Horse You recollect the case of the Middlesex Dumpling and the Suffolk
Bantam Grummer«
Mr Grummer intimated by a retrospective shake of the head that he should
never forget it as indeed it was not likely he would so long as it continued
to be cited daily
»This is even more unconstitutional« said the magistrate »this is even a
greater breach of the peace and a grosser infringement of his Majestys
prerogative I believe duelling is one of his Majestys most undoubted
prerogatives Mr Jinks«
»Expressly stipulated in Magna Charta sir« said Mr Jinks
»One of the brightest jewels in the British crown wrung from his Majesty by
the Barons I believe Mr Jinks« said the magistrate
»Just so sir« replied Mr Jinks
»Very well« said the magistrate drawing himself up proudly »it shall not
be violated in this portion of his dominions Grummer procure assistance and
execute these warrants with as little delay as possible Muzzle«
»Yes your worship«
»Show the lady out«
Miss Witherfield retired deeply impressed with the magistrates learning
and research Mr Nupkins retired to lunch Mr Jinks retired within himself
that being the only retirement he had except the sofabedstead in the small
parlour which was occupied by his landladys family in the daytime and Mr
Grummer retired to wipe out by his mode of discharging his present commission
the insult which had been fastened upon himself and the other representative of
his Majesty the beadle in the course of the morning
While these resolute and determined preparations for the conservation of the
Kings peace were pending Mr Pickwick and his friends wholly unconscious of
the mighty events in progress had sat quietly down to dinner and very
talkative and companionable they all were Mr Pickwick was in the very act of
relating his adventure of the preceding night to the great amusement of his
followers Mr Tupman especially when the door opened and a somewhat
forbidding countenance peeped into the room The eyes in the forbidding
countenance looked very earnestly at Mr Pickwick for several seconds and were
to all appearance satisfied with their investigation for the body to which the
forbidding countenance belonged slowly brought itself into the apartment and
presented the form of an elderly individual in topboots not to keep the
reader any longer in suspense in short the eyes were the wandering eyes of Mr
Grummer and the body was the body of the same gentleman
Mr Grummers mode of proceeding was professional but peculiar His first
act was to bolt the door on the inside his second to polish his head and
countenance very carefully with a cotton handkerchief his third to place his
hat with the cotton handkerchief in it on the nearest chair and his fourth
to produce from the breastpocket of his coat a short truncheon surmounted by a
brazen crown with which he beckoned to Mr Pickwick with a grave and ghostlike
air
Mr Snodgrass was the first to break the astonished silence He looked
steadily at Mr Grummer for a brief space, and then said emphatically »This is
a private room sir A private room«
Mr Grummer shook his head and replied »No rooms private to his Majesty
when the street doors once passed Thats law Some people maintains that an
Englishmans house is his castle Thats gammon«
The Pickwickians gazed on each other with wondering eyes
»Which is Mr Tupman« inquired Mr Grummer He had an intuitive perception
of Mr Pickwick he knew him at once
»My names Tupman« said that gentleman
»My names Law« said Mr Grummer
»What« said Mr Tupman
»Law« replied Mr Grummer »law civil power and exekative thems my
titles heres my authority Blank Tupman blank Pickvick against the peace of
our sufferin Lord the King stattit in that case made and purwided and all
regular I apprehend you Pickvick Tupman the aforesaid«
»What do you mean by this insolence« said Mr Tupman starting up »Leave
the room«
»Halloo« said Mr Grummer retreating very expeditiously to the door and
opening it an inch or two »Dubbley«
»Well« said a deep voice from the passage
»Come forard Dubbley«
At the word of command a dirtyfaced man something over six feet high and
stout in proportion squeezed himself through the halfopen door making his
face very red in the process), and entered the room
»Is the other specials outside Dubbley« inquired Mr Grummer
Mr Dubbley who was a man of few words nodded assent
»Order in the diwision under your charge Dubbley« said Mr Grummer
Mr Dubbley did as he was desired and half a dozen men each with a short
truncheon and a brass crown flocked into the room Mr Grummer pocketed his
staff and looked at Mr Dubbley Mr Dubbley pocketed his staff and looked at
the division the division pocketed their staves and looked at Messrs Tupman
and Pickwick
Mr Pickwick and his followers rose as one man
»What is the meaning of this atrocious intrusion upon my privacy« said Mr
Pickwick
»Who dares apprehend me« said Mr Tupman
»What do you want here scoundrels« said Mr Snodgrass
Mr Winkle said nothing but he fixed his eyes on Grummer and bestowed a
look upon him which if he had had any feeling must have pierced his brain As
it was however it had no visible effect upon him whatever
When the executive perceived that Mr Pickwick and his friends were disposed
to resist the authority of the law they very significantly turned up their coat
sleeves as if knocking them down in the first instance, and taking them up
afterwards were a mere professional act which had only to be thought of to be
done as a matter of course This demonstration was not lost upon Mr Pickwick
He conferred a few moments with Mr Tupman apart and then signified his
readiness to proceed to the Mayors residence merely begging the parties then
and there assembled to take notice that it was his firm intention to resent
this monstrous invasion of his privileges as an Englishman the instant he was
at liberty whereat the parties then and there assembled laughed very
heartily with the single exception of Mr Grummer who seemed to consider that
any slight cast upon the divine right of magistrates was a species of
blasphemy not to be tolerated
But when Mr Pickwick had signified his readiness to bow to the laws of his
country and just when the waiters and hostlers and chambermaids and
postboys who had anticipated a delightful commotion from his threatened
obstinacy began to turn away disappointed and disgusted a difficulty arose
which had not been foreseen With every sentiment of veneration for the
constituted authorities Mr Pickwick resolutely protested against making his
appearance in the public streets surrounded and guarded by the officers of
justice like a common criminal Mr Grummer in the then disturbed state of
public feeling for it was halfholiday and the boys had not yet gone home as
resolutely protested against walking on the opposite side of the way and taking
Mr Pickwicks parole that he would go straight to the magistrates and both
Mr Pickwick and Mr Tupman as strenuously objected to the expense of a
postcoach which was the only respectable conveyance that could be obtained
The dispute ran high and the dilemma lasted long and just as the executive
were on the point of overcoming Mr Pickwicks objection to walking to the
magistrates by the trite expedient of carrying him thither it was recollected
that there stood in the inn yard an old sedan chair which having been
originally built for a gouty gentleman with funded property would hold Mr
Pickwick and Mr Tupman at least as conveniently as a modern postchaise The
chair was hired and brought into the hall Mr Pickwick and Mr Tupman squeezed
themselves inside and pulled down the blinds a couple of chairmen were
speedily found and the procession started in grand order The specials
surrounded the body of the vehicle Mr Grummer and Mr Dubbley marched
triumphantly in front Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle walked arminarm behind
and the unsoaped of Ipswich brought up the rear
The shopkeepers of the town although they had a very indistinct notion of
the nature of the offence could not but be much edified and gratified by this
spectacle Here was the strong arm of the law coming down with twenty
goldbeater force upon two offenders from the metropolis itself; the mighty
engine was directed by their own magistrate and worked by their own officers
and both the criminals by their united efforts were securely shut up in the
narrow compass of one sedanchair Many were the expressions of approval and
admiration which greeted Mr Grummer as he headed the cavalcade staff in hand
loud and long were the shouts raised by the unsoaped and amidst these united
testimonials of public approbation the procession moved slowly and majestically
along
Mr Weller habited in his morning jacket with the black calico sleeves was
returning in a rather desponding state from an unsuccessful survey of the
mysterious house with the green gate when raising his eyes he beheld a crowd
pouring down the street surrounding an object which had very much the
appearance of a sedanchair Willing to divert his thoughts from the failure of
his enterprise he stepped aside to see the crowd pass and finding that they
were cheering away very much to their own satisfaction forthwith began by way
of raising his spirits to cheer too with all his might and main
Mr Grummer passed and Mr Dubbley passed and the sedan passed and the
bodyguard of specials passed and Sam was still responding to the enthusiastic
cheers of the mob and waving his hat about as if he were in the very last
extreme of the wildest joy though of course he had not the faintest idea of
the matter in hand when he was suddenly stopped by the unexpected appearance
of Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass
»Whats the row genlmn« cried Sam »Who have they got in this here
watchbox in mournin«
Both gentlemen replied together but their words were lost in the tumult
»Who« cried Sam again
Once more was a joint reply returned and though the words were inaudible
Sam saw by the motion of the two pairs of lips that they had uttered the magic
word Pickwick
This was enough In another minute Mr Weller had made his way through the
crowd stopped the chairmen and confronted the portly Grummer
»Hallo old genlmn« said Sam »Who have you got in this here
conwayance«
»Stand back« said Mr Grummer whose dignity like the dignity of a great
many other men had been wondrously augmented by a little popularity
»Knock him down if he dont« said Mr Dubbley
»Im wery much obliged to you old genlmn« replied Sam »for consulting
my conwenience and Im still more obliged to the other genlmn who looks as
if hed just escaped from a giants carrywan for his wery ansome suggestion
but I should perfer your givin me a answer to my question if its all the same
to you How are you sir« This last observation was addressed with a
patronising air to Mr Pickwick who was peeping through the front window
Mr Grummer perfectly speechless with indignation dragged the truncheon
with the brass crown from its particular pocket and flourished it before Sams
eyes
»Ah« said Sam »its wery pretty specially the crown which is uncommon
like the real one«
»Stand back« said the outraged Mr Grummer By way of adding force to the
command he thrust the brass emblem of royalty into Sams neckcloth with one
hand and seized Sams collar with the other a compliment which Mr Weller
returned by knocking him down out of hand having previously with the utmost
consideration knocked down a chairman for him to lie upon
Whether Mr Winkle was seized with a temporary attack of that species of
insanity which originates in a sense of injury or animated by this display of
Mr Wellers valour is uncertain but certain it is that he no sooner saw Mr
Grummer fall than he made a terrific onslaught on a small boy who stood next
him whereupon Mr Snodgrass in a truly christian spirit and in order that he
might take no one unawares announced in a very loud tone that he was going to
begin and proceeded to take off his coat with the utmost deliberation He was
immediately surrounded and secured and it is but common justice both to him and
Mr Winkle to say that they did not make the slightest attempt to rescue either
themselves or Mr Weller who after a most vigorous resistance was overpowered
by numbers and taken prisoner The procession then reformed the chairmen
resumed their stations and the march was recommenced
Mr Pickwicks indignation during the whole of this proceeding was beyond
all bounds He could just see Sam upsetting the specials and flying about in
every direction and that was all he could see for the sedan doors wouldnt
open and the blinds wouldnt pull up At length with the assistance of Mr
Tupman he managed to push open the roof and mounting on the seat and
steadying himself as well as he could by placing his hand on that gentlemans
shoulder Mr Pickwick proceeded to address the multitude to dwell upon the
unjustifiable manner in which he had been treated and to call upon them to take
notice that his servant had been first assaulted In this order they reached the
magistrates house the chairmen trotting the prisoners following Mr Pickwick
oratorising and the crowd shouting
Chapter XXV
Showing Among a Variety of Pleasant Matters How Majestic and Impartial Mr
Nupkins Was and How Mr Weller Returned Mr Job Trotters Shuttlecock as
Heavily as It Came With Another Matter Which Will Be Found in Its Place
Violent was Mr Wellers indignation as he was borne along numerous were the
allusions to the personal appearance and demeanour of Mr Grummer and his
companion and valorous were the defiances to any six of the gentlemen present
in which he vented his dissatisfaction Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle listened
with gloomy respect to the torrent of eloquence which their leader poured forth
from the sedanchair and the rapid course of which not all Mr Tupmans earnest
entreaties to have the lid of the vehicle closed were able to check for an
instant But Mr Wellers anger quickly gave way to curiosity when the
procession turned down the identical courtyard in which he had met with the
runaway Job Trotter and curiosity was exchanged for a feeling of the most
gleeful astonishment when the allimportant Mr Grummer commanding the
sedanbearers to halt advanced with dignified and portentous steps to the very
green gate from which Job Trotter had emerged and gave a mighty pull at the
bellhandle which hung at the side thereof The ring was answered by a very
smart and prettyfaced servantgirl who after holding up her hands in
astonishment at the rebellious appearance of the prisoners and the impassioned
language of Mr Pickwick summoned Mr Muzzle Mr Muzzle opened one half of the
carriage gate to admit the sedan the captured ones and the specials and
immediately slammed it in the faces of the mob who indignant at being
excluded and anxious to see what followed relieved their feelings by kicking
at the gate and ringing the bell for an hour or two afterwards In this
amusement they all took part by turns except three or four fortunate
individuals who having discovered a grating in the gate which commanded a view
of nothing stared through it with the indefatigable perseverance with which
people will flatten their noses against the front windows of a chemists shop
when a drunken man who has been run over by a dogcart in the street is
undergoing a surgical inspection in the backparlour
At the foot of a flight of steps leading to the house door which was
guarded on either side by an American aloe in a green tub the sedanchair
stopped Mr Pickwick and his friends were conducted into the hall whence
having been previously announced by Muzzle and ordered in by Mr Nupkins they
were ushered into the worshipful presence of that publicspirited officer
The scene was an impressive one well calculated to strike terror to the
hearts of culprits and to impress them with an adequate idea of the stern
majesty of the law In front of a big bookcase in a big chair behind a big
table and before a big volume sat Mr Nupkins looking a full size larger than
any one of them big as they were The table was adorned with piles of papers
and above the further end of it appeared the head and shoulders of Mr Jinks
who was busily engaged in looking as busy as possible The party having all
entered Muzzle carefully closed the door and placed himself behind his
masters chair to await his orders Mr Nupkins threw himself back with
thrilling solemnity and scrutinised the faces of his unwilling visitors
»Now Grummer who is that person« said Mr Nupkins pointing to Mr
Pickwick who as the spokesman of his friends stood hat in hand bowing with
the utmost politeness and respect
»This heres Pickvick your washup« said Grummer
»Come none o that ere old Strikealight« interposed Mr Weller
elbowing himself into the front rank »Beg your pardon sir but this here
officer o yourn in the gambooge tops ull never earn a decent livin as a
master o the ceremonies any vere This here sir« continued Mr Weller
thrusting Grummer aside and addressing the magistrate with pleasant
familiarity »This here is S Pickvick Esquire this heres Mr Tupman that
eres Mr Snodgrass and furder on next him on the tother side Mr Winkle
all wery nice genlmn sir as youll be wery happy to have the acquaintance
on so the sooner you commits these here officers o yourn to the treadmill for
a month or two the sooner we shall begin to be on a pleasant understanding
Business first pleasure arterwards as King Richard the Third said wen he
stabbed the tother king in the Tower afore he smothered the babbies«
At the conclusion of this address Mr Weller brushed his hat with his right
elbow and nodded benignly to Jinks who had heard him throughout with
unspeakable awe
»Who is this man Grummer« said the magistrate
»Wery desprate chracter your washup« replied Grummer »He attempted to
rescue the prisoners and assaulted the officers so we took him into custody
and brought him here«
»You did quite right« replied the magistrate »He is evidently a desperate
ruffian«
»He is my servant sir« said Mr Pickwick angrily
»Oh he is your servant is he« said Mr Nupkins »A conspiracy to defeat
the ends of justice and murder its officers Pickwicks servant Put that down
Mr Jinks«
Mr Jinks did so
»Whats your name fellow« thundered Mr Nupkins
»Veller« replied Sam
»A very good name for the Newgate Calendar« said Mr Nupkins
This was a joke so Jinks Grummer Dubbley all the specials and Muzzle
went into fits of laughter of five minutes duration
»Put down his name Mr Jinks« said the magistrate
»Two Ls old feller« said Sam
Here an unfortunate special laughed again whereupon the magistrate
threatened to commit him instantly It is a dangerous thing to laugh at the
wrong man in these cases
»Where do you live« said the magistrate
»Vareever I can« replied Sam
»Put down that Mr Jinks« said the magistrate who was fast rising into a
rage
»Score it under« said Sam
»He is a vagabond Mr Jinks« said the magistrate »He is a vagabond on his
own statement is he not Mr Jinks«
»Certainly sir«
»Then Ill commit him Ill commit him as such« said Mr Nupkins
»This is a wery impartial country for justice« said Sam »There aint a
magistrate goin as dont commit himself twice as often as he commits other
people«
At this sally another special laughed and then tried to look so
supernaturally solemn that the magistrate detected him immediately
»Grummer« said Mr Nupkins reddening with passion »how dare you select
such an inefficient and disreputable person for a special constable as that
man How dare you do it sir«
»I am very sorry your washup« stammered Grummer
»Very sorry« said the furious magistrate »You shall repent of this neglect
of duty Mr Grummer you shall be made an example of Take that fellows staff
away Hes drunk Youre drunk fellow«
»I am not drunk your worship« said the man
»You are drunk« returned the magistrate »How dare you say you are not
drunk sir when I say you are Doesnt he smell of spirits Grummer«
»Horrid your washup« replied Grummer who had a vague impression that
there was a smell of rum somewhere
»I knew he did« said Mr Nupkins »I saw he was drunk when he first came
into the room by his excited eye Did you observe his excited eye Mr Jinks«
»Certainly sir«
»I havent touched a drop of spirits this morning« said the man who was as
sober a fellow as need be
»How dare you tell me a falsehood« said Mr Nupkins »Isnt he drunk at
this moment Mr Jinks«
»Certainly sir« replied Jinks
»Mr Jinks« said the magistrate »I shall commit that man for contempt
Make out his committal Mr Jinks«
And committed the special would have been only Jinks who was the
magistrates adviser having had a legal education of three years in a country
attorneys office whispered the magistrate that he thought it wouldnt do so
the magistrate made a speech and said that in consideration of the specials
family he would merely reprimand and discharge him Accordingly the special
was abused vehemently for a quarter of an hour and sent about his business
and Grummer Dubbley Muzzle and all the other specials murmured their
admiration of the magnanimity of Mr Nupkins
»Now Mr Jinks« said the magistrate »swear Grummer«
Grummer was sworn directly but as Grummer wandered and Mr Nupkins dinner
was nearly ready Mr Nupkins cut the matter short by putting leading questions
to Grummer which Grummer answered as nearly in the affirmative as he could So
the examination went off all very smooth and comfortable and two assaults were
proved against Mr Weller and a threat against Mr Winkle and a push against
Mr Snodgrass When all this was done to the magistrates satisfaction the
magistrate and Mr Jinks consulted in whispers
The consultation having lasted about ten minutes Mr Jinks retired to his
end of the table and the magistrate with a preparatory cough drew himself up
in his chair and was proceeding to commence his address when Mr Pickwick
interposed
»I beg your pardon sir for interrupting you« said Mr Pickwick »but
before you proceed to express and act upon any opinion you may have formed on
the statements which have been made here I must claim my right to be heard so
far as I am personally concerned«
»Hold your tongue sir« said the magistrate peremptorily
»I must submit to you sir« said Mr Pickwick
»Hold your tongue sir« interposed the magistrate »or I shall order an
officer to remove you«
»You may order your officers to do whatever you please sir« said Mr
Pickwick »and I have no doubt from the specimen I have had of the
subordination preserved amongst them that whatever you order they will
execute sir but I shall take the liberty sir of claiming my right to be
heard until I am removed by force«
»Pickvick and principle« exclaimed Mr Weller in a very audible voice
»Sam be quiet« said Mr Pickwick
»Dumb as a drum vith a hole in it sir« replied Sam
Mr Nupkins looked at Mr Pickwick with a gaze of intense astonishment at
his displaying such unwonted temerity and was apparently about to return a very
angry reply when Mr Jinks pulled him by the sleeve and whispered something in
his ear To this the magistrate returned a halfaudible answer and then the
whispering was renewed Jinks was evidently remonstrating
At length the magistrate gulping down with a very bad grace his
disinclination to hear anything more turned to Mr Pickwick and said sharply
»What do you want to say«
»First« said Mr Pickwick sending a look through his spectacles under
which even Nupkins quailed »First I wish to know what I and my friend have
been brought here for«
»Must I tell him« whispered the magistrate to Jinks
»I think you had better sir« whispered Jinks to the magistrate
»An information has been sworn before me« said the magistrate »that it is
apprehended you are going to fight a duel and that the other man Tupman is
your aider and abettor in it Therefore eh Mr Jinks«
»Certainly sir«
»Therefore I call upon you both to I think thats the course Mr
Jinks«
»Certainly sir«
»To to what Mr Jinks« said the magistrate pettishly
»To find bail sir«
»Yes Therefore I call upon you both as I was about to say when I was
interrupted by my clerk to find bail«
»Good bail« whispered Mr Jinks
»I shall require good bail« said the magistrate
»Townspeople« whispered Jinks
»They must be townspeople« said the magistrate
»Fifty pounds each« whispered Jinks »and householders of course«
»I shall require two sureties of fifty pounds each« said the magistrate
aloud with great dignity »and they must be householders of course«
»But bless my heart sir« said Mr Pickwick who together with Mr
Tupman was all amazement and indignation »we are perfect strangers in this
town I have as little knowledge of any householders here as I have intention
of fighting a duel with anybody«
»I dare say« replied the magistrate »I dare say dont you Mr Jinks«
»Certainly sir«
»Have you anything more to say« inquired the magistrate
Mr Pickwick had a great deal more to say which he would no doubt have
said very little to his own advantage or the magistrates satisfaction if he
had not the moment he ceased speaking been pulled by the sleeve by Mr Weller
with whom he was immediately engaged in so earnest a conversation that he
suffered the magistrates inquiry to pass wholly unnoticed Mr Nupkins was not
the man to ask a question of the kind twice over and so with another
preparatory cough he proceeded amidst the reverential and admiring silence of
the constables to pronounce his decision
He should fine Weller two pounds for the first assault and three pounds for
the second He should fine Winkle two pounds and Snodgrass one pound besides
requiring them to enter into their own recognizances to keep the peace towards
all his Majestys subjects and especially towards his liege servant Daniel
Grummer Pickwick and Tupman he had already held to bail
Immediately on the magistrate ceasing to speak Mr Pickwick with a smile
mantling on his again goodhumoured countenance stepped forward and said
»I beg the magistrates pardon but may I request a few minutes private
conversation with him on a matter of deep importance to himself«
»What« said the magistrate
Mr Pickwick repeated his request
»This is a most extraordinary request« said the magistrate »A private
interview«
»A private interview« replied Mr Pickwick firmly »only as a part of the
information which I wish to communicate is derived from my servant I should
wish him to be present«
The magistrate looked at Mr Jinks Mr Jinks looked at the magistrate the
officers looked at each other in amazement Mr Nupkins turned suddenly pale
Could the man Weller in a moment of remorse have divulged some secret
conspiracy for his assassination It was a dreadful thought He was a public
man and he turned paler as he thought of Julius Cæsar and Mr Perceval
The magistrate looked at Mr Pickwick again and beckoned Mr Jinks
»What do you think of this request Mr Jinks« murmured Mr Nupkins
Mr Jinks who didnt exactly know what to think of it and was afraid he
might offend smiled feebly after a dubious fashion and screwing up the
corners of his mouth shook his head slowly from side to side
»Mr Jinks« said the magistrate gravely »you are an ass«
At this little expression of opinion Mr Jinks smiled again rather more
feebly than before and edged himself by degrees back into his own corner
Mr Nupkins debated the matter within himself for a few seconds and then
rising from his chair and requesting Mr Pickwick and Sam to follow him led
the way into a small room which opened into the justice parlour Desiring Mr
Pickwick to walk to the upper end of the little apartment and holding his hand
upon the halfclosed door that he might be able to effect an immediate escape
in case there was the least tendency to a display of hostilities Mr Nupkins
expressed his readiness to hear the communication whatever it might be
»I will come to the point at once sir« said Mr Pickwick »it affects
yourself and your credit materially I have every reason to believe sir that
you are harbouring in your house a gross impostor«
»Two« interrupted Sam »Mulberry agin all natur for tears and willainny«
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick »if I am to render myself intelligible to this
gentleman I must beg you to control your feelings«
»Wery sorry sir« replied Mr Weller »but when I think o that ere Job I
cant help opening the walve a inch or two«
»In one word sir« said Mr Pickwick »is my servant right in suspecting
that a certain Captain FitzMarshall is in the habit of visiting here Because«
added Mr Pickwick as he saw that Mr Nupkins was about to offer a very
indignant interruption »because if he be I know that person to be a «
»Hush hush« said Mr Nupkins closing the door »Know him to be what
sir«
»An unprincipled adventurer a dishonourable character a man who preys
upon society and makes easilydeceived people his dupes sir his absurd his
foolish his wretched dupes sir« said the excited Mr Pickwick
»Dear me« said Mr Nupkins turning very red and altering his whole manner
directly »Dear me Mr «
»Pickvick« said Sam
»Pickwick« said the magistrate »dear me Mr Pickwick pray take a seat
you cannot mean this Captain FitzMarshall«
»Dont call him a capen« said Sam »nor FitzMarshall neither he aint
neither one nor tother Hes a strolling actor he is and his names Jingle
and if ever there was a wolf in a mulberry suit that ere Job Trotter s him«
»It is very true sir« said Mr Pickwick replying to the magistrates look
of amazement »my only business in this town is to expose the person of whom we
now speak«
Mr Pickwick proceeded to pour into the horrorstricken ear of Mr Nupkins
an abridged account of Mr Jingles atrocities He related how he had first met
him how he had eloped with Miss Wardle how he had cheerfully resigned the lady
for a pecuniary consideration how he had entrapped himself into a ladys
boardingschool at midnight and how he Mr Pickwick now felt it his duty to
expose his assumption of his present name and rank
As the narrative proceeded all the warm blood in the body of Mr Nupkins
tingled up into the very tips of his ears He had picked up the captain at a
neighbouring racecourse Charmed with his long list of aristocratic
acquaintance his extensive travel and his fashionable demeanour Mrs Nupkins
and Miss Nupkins had exhibited Captain FitzMarshall and quoted Captain
FitzMarshall and hurled Captain FitzMarshall at the devoted heads of their
select circle of acquaintance until their bosom friends Mrs Porkenham and the
Miss Porkenhams and Mr Sidney Porkenham were ready to burst with jealousy and
despair And now to hear after all that he was a needy adventurer a
strolling player and if not a swindler something so very like it that it was
hard to tell the difference Heavens What would the Porkenhams say What would
be the triumph of Mr Sidney Porkenham when he found that his addresses had been
slighted for such a rival How should he Nupkins meet the eye of old Porkenham
at the next Quarter Sessions And what a handle would it be for the opposition
magisterial party if the story got abroad
»But after all« said Mr Nupkins brightening for a moment after a long
pause »after all this is a mere statement Captain FitzMarshall is a man of
very engaging manners and I dare say has many enemies What proof have you of
the truth of these representations«
»Confront me with him« said Mr Pickwick »that is all I ask and all I
require Confront him with me and my friends here you will want no further
proof«
»Why« said Mr Nupkins »that might be very easily done for he will be
here tonight and then there would be no occasion to make the matter public
just just for the young mans own sake you know I I should like to
consult Mrs Nupkins on the propriety of the step in the first instance,
though At all events Mr Pickwick we must despatch this legal business before
we can do anything else Pray step back into the next room«
Into the next room they went
»Grummer« said the magistrate in an awful voice
»Your washup« replied Grummer with the smile of a favourite
»Come come sir« said the magistrate sternly »dont let me see any of
this levity here It is very unbecoming and I can assure you that you have very
little to smile at Was the account you gave me just now strictly true Now be
careful sir«
»Your washup« stammered Grummer »I «
»Oh you are confused are you« said the magistrate
»Mr Jinks you observe this confusion«
»Certainly sir« replied Jinks
»Now« said the magistrate »repeat your statement Grummer and again I
warn you to be careful Mr Jinks take his words down«
The unfortunate Grummer proceeded to restate his complaint but what
between Mr Jinkss taking down his words and the magistrates taking them up
his natural tendency to rambling and his extreme confusion he managed to get
involved in something under three minutes in such a mass of entanglement and
contradiction that Mr Nupkins at once declared he didnt believe him So the
fines were remitted and Mr Jinks found a couple of bail in no time And all
these solemn proceedings having been satisfactorily concluded Mr Grummer was
ignominiously ordered out an awful instance of the instability of human
greatness and the uncertain tenure of great mens favour
Mrs Nupkins was a majestic female in a pink gauze turban and a light brown
wig Miss Nupkins possessed all her mammas haughtiness without the turban and
all her illnature without the wig and whenever the exercise of these two
amiable qualities involved mother and daughter in some unpleasant dilemma as
they not unfrequently did they both concurred in laying the blame on the
shoulders of Mr Nupkins Accordingly when Mr Nupkins sought Mrs Nupkins and
detailed the communication which had been made by Mr Pickwick Mrs Nupkins
suddenly recollected that she had always expected something of the kind that
she had always said it would be so that her advice was never taken that she
really did not know what Mr Nupkins supposed she was and so forth
»The idea« said Miss Nupkins forcing a tear of very scanty proportions
into the corner of each eye »the idea of my being made such a fool of«
»Ah you may thank your papa my dear« said Mrs Nupkins »how have I
implored and begged that man to inquire into the Captains family connections
how have I urged and entreated him to take some decisive step I am quite
certain nobody would believe it quite«
»But my dear« said Mr Nupkins
»Dont talk to me you aggravating thing dont« said Mrs Nupkins
»My love« said Mr Nupkins »you professed yourself very fond of Captain
FitzMarshall You have constantly asked him here my dear and you have lost no
opportunity of introducing him elsewhere«
»Didnt I say so Henrietta« cried Mrs Nupkins appealing to her daughter
with the air of a muchinjured female »Didnt I say that your papa would turn
round and lay all this at my door Didnt I say so« Here Mrs Nupkins sobbed
»Oh pa« remonstrated Miss Nupkins And here she sobbed too
»Isnt it too much when he has brought all this disgrace and ridicule upon
us to taunt me with being the cause of it« exclaimed Mrs Nupkins
»How can we ever show ourselves in society« said Miss Nupkins
»How can we face the Porkenhams« cried Mrs Nupkins
»Or the Griggss« cried Miss Nupkins
»Or the Slummintowkens« cried Mrs Nupkins »But what does your papa care
What is it to him« At this dreadful reflection Mrs Nupkins wept with mental
anguish and Miss Nupkins followed on the same side
Mrs Nupkinss tears continued to gush forth with great velocity until she
had gained a little time to think the matter over when she decided in her own
mind that the best thing to do would be to ask Mr Pickwick and his friends to
remain until the Captains arrival and then to give Mr Pickwick the
opportunity he sought If it appeared that he had spoken truly the Captain
could be turned out of the house without noising the matter abroad and they
could easily account to the Porkenhams for his disappearance by saying that he
had been appointed through the Court influence of his family to the
GovernorGeneralship of Sierra Leone or Saugur Point or any other of those
salubrious climates which enchant Europeans so much that when they once get
there they can hardly ever prevail upon themselves to come back again
When Mrs Nupkins dried up her tears Miss Nupkins dried up hers and Mr
Nupkins was very glad to settle the matter as Mrs Nupkins had proposed So Mr
Pickwick and his friends having washed off all marks of their late encounter
were introduced to the ladies and soon afterwards to their dinner and Mr
Weller whom the magistrate with his peculiar sagacity had discovered in half an
hour to be one of the finest fellows alive was consigned to the care and
guardianship of Mr Muzzle who was specially enjoined to take him below and
make much of him
»How de do sir« said Mr Muzzle as he conducted Mr Weller down the
kitchen stairs
»Why no considerable change has taken place in the state of my system
since I see you cocked up behind your governors chair in the parlour a little
vile ago« replied Sam
»You will excuse my not taking more notice of you then« said Mr Muzzle
»You see master hadnt introduced us then Lord how fond he is of you Mr
Weller to be sure«
»Ah« said Sam »what a pleasant chap he is«
»Aint he« replied Mr Muzzle
»So much humour« said Sam
»And such a man to speak« said Mr Muzzle »How his ideas flow dont
they«
»Wonderful« replied Sam »they comes a pouring out knocking each others
heads so fast that they seems to stun one another; you hardly know what hes
arter do you«
»Thats the great merit of his style of speaking« rejoined Mr Muzzle
»Take care of the last step Mr Weller Would you like to wash your hands sir
before we join the ladies Heres a sink with the water laid on sir and a
clean jack towel behind the door«
»Ah perhaps I may as well have a rinse« replied Mr Weller applying
plenty of yellow soap to the towel and rubbing away till his face shone again
»How many ladies are there«
»Only two in our kitchen« said Mr Muzzle »cook and ousemaid We keep a
boy to do the dirty work and a gal besides but they dine in the washus«
»Oh they dines in the washus do they« said Mr Weller
»Yes« replied Mr Muzzle »we tried em at our table when they first come
but we couldnt keep em The gals manners is dreadful vulgar and the boy
breathes so very hard while hes eating that we found it impossible to sit at
table with him«
»Young grampus« said Mr Weller
»Oh dreadful« rejoined Mr Muzzle »but that is the worst of country
service Mr Weller the juniors is always so very savage This way sir if you
please this way«
Preceding Mr Weller with the utmost politeness Mr Muzzle conducted him
into the kitchen
»Mary« said Mr Muzzle to the pretty servantgirl »this is Mr Weller a
gentleman as master has sent down to be made as comfortable as possible«
»And your masters a knowin hand and has just sent me to the right place«
said Mr Weller with a glance of admiration at Mary »If I wos master o this
here house I should alvays find the materials for comfort vere Mary wos«
»Lor Mr Weller« said Mary blushing
»Well I never« ejaculated the cook
»Bless me cook I forgot you« said Mr Muzzle »Mr Weller let me
introduce you«
»How are you maam« said Mr Weller »Werry glad to see you indeed and
hope our acquaintance may be a long un as the genlmn said to the fi pun
note«
When this ceremony of introduction had been gone through the cook and Mary
retired into the back kitchen to titter for ten minutes then returning all
giggles and blushes they sat down to dinner
Mr Wellers easy manners and conversational powers had such irresistible
influence with his new friends that before the dinner was half over they were
on footing of perfect intimacy and in possession of a full account of the
delinquency of Job Trotter
»I never could abear that Job« said Mary
»No more you never ought to my dear« replied Mr Weller
»Why not« inquired Mary
»Cos ugliness and svindlin never ought to be formiliar vith elegance and
wirtew« replied Mr Weller »Ought they Mr Muzzle«
»Not by no means« replied that gentleman
Here Mary laughed and said the cook had made her and the cook laughed and
said she hadnt
»I hant got a glass« said Mary
»Drink with me my dear« said Mr Weller »Put your lips to this here
tumbler and then I can kiss you by deputy«
»For shame Mr Weller« said Mary
»Whats a shame my dear«
»Talkin in that way«
»Nonsense it aint no harm Its natur aint it cook«
»Dont ask me imperence« replied the cook in a high state of delight and
hereupon the cook and Mary laughed again till what between the beer and the
cold meat and the laughter combined the latter young lady was brought to the
verge of choking an alarming crisis from which she was only recovered by
sundry pats on the back and other necessary attentions most delicately
administered by Mr Samuel Weller
In the midst of all this jollity and conviviality a loud ring was heard at
the gardengate to which the young gentleman who took his meals in the
washhouse immediately responded Mr Weller was in the height of his
attentions to the pretty housemaid Mr Muzzle was busy doing the honours of
the table and the cook had just paused to laugh in the very act of raising a
huge morsel to her lips when the kitchendoor opened and in walked Mr Job
Trotter
We have said in walked Mr Job Trotter but the statement is not
distinguished by our usual scrupulous adherence to fact The door opened and Mr
Trotter appeared He would have walked in and was in the very act of doing so
indeed when catching sight of Mr Weller he involuntarily shrank back a pace
or two and stood gazing on the unexpected scene before him perfectly
motionless with amazement and terror
»Here he is« said Sam rising with great glee »Why we were that wery
moment a speaking o you How are you Where have you been Come in«
Laying his hand on the mulberry collar of the unresisting Job Mr Weller
dragged him into the kitchen and locking the door handed the key to Mr
Muzzle who very coolly buttoned it up in a sidepocket
»Well heres a game« cried Sam »Only think o my master havin the
pleasure o meeting yourn up stairs and me havin the joy o meetin you down
here How are yor gettin on and how is the chandlery bisness likely to do
Well I am so glad to see you How happy you look Its quite a treat to see
you aint it Mr Muzzle«
»Quite« said Mr Muzzle
»So cheerful he is« said Sam
»In such good spirits« said Muzzle
»And so glad to see us that makes it so much more comfortable« said Sam
»Sit down sit down«
Mr Trotter suffered himself to be forced into a chair by the fireside He
cast his small eyes first on Mr Weller and then on Mr Muzzle but said
nothing
»Well now« said Sam »afore these here ladies I should jest like to ask
you as a sort of curiosity wether you dont consider yourself as nice and
wellbehaved a young genlmn as ever used a pink check pockethandkerchief and
the number four collection«
»And as was ever agoing to be married to a cook« said that lady
indignantly »The willin«
»And leave off his evil ways and set up in the chandlery line arterwards«
said the housemaid
»Now Ill tell you what it is young man« said Mr Muzzle solemnly
enraged at the last two allusions »this here lady pointing to the cook keeps
company with me and when you presume sir to talk of keeping chandlers shops
with her you injure me in one of the most delicatest points in which one man
can injure another Do you understand me sir«
Here Mr Muzzle who had a great notion of his eloquence in which he
imitated his master paused for a reply
But Mr Trotter made no reply So Mr Muzzle proceeded in a solemn manner
»Its very probable sir that you wont be wanted up stairs for several
minutes sir because my master is at this moment particularly engaged in
settling the hash of your master sir and therefore youll have leisure sir
for a little private talk with me sir Do you understand me sir«
Mr Muzzle again paused for a reply and again Mr Trotter disappointed him
»Well then« said Mr Muzzle »Im very sorry to have to explain myself
before ladies but the urgency of the case will be my excuse The back kitchens
empty sir If you will step in there sir Mr Weller will see fair and we can
have mutual satisfaction till the bell rings Follow me sir«
As Mr Muzzle uttered these words he took a step or two towards the door
and by way of saving time began to pull off his coat as he walked along
Now the cook no sooner heard the concluding words of this desperate
challenge and saw Mr Muzzle about to put it into execution than she uttered a
loud and piercing shriek and rushing on Mr Job Trotter who rose from his
chair on the instant tore and buffeted his large flat face with an energy
peculiar to excited females and twining her hands in his long black hair tore
therefrom about enough to make five or six dozen of the very largestsized
mourningrings Having accomplished this feat with all the ardour which her
devoted love for Mr Muzzle inspired she staggered back and being a lady of
very excitable and delicate feelings she instantly fell under the dresser and
fainted away
At this moment the bell rang
»Thats for you Job Trotter« said Sam and before Mr Trotter could offer
remonstrance or reply even before he had time to stanch the wounds inflicted
by the insensible lady Sam seized one arm and Mr Muzzle the other and one
pulling before and the other pushing behind they conveyed him up stairs and
into the parlour
It was an impressive tableau Alfred Jingle Esquire alias Captain
FitzMarshall was standing near the door with his hat in his hand and a smile
on his face wholly unmoved by his very unpleasant situation Confronting him
stood Mr Pickwick who had evidently been inculcating some high moral lesson
for his left hand was beneath his coat tail and his right extended in air as
was his wont when delivering himself of an impressive address At a little
distance stood Mr Tupman with indignant countenance carefully held back by
his two younger friends at the further end of the room were Mr Nupkins Mrs
Nupkins and Miss Nupkins gloomily grand and savagely vexed
»What prevents me« said Mr Nupkins with magisterial dignity as Job was
brought in »what presents me from detaining these men as rogues and impostors
It is a foolish mercy What prevents me«
»Pride old fellow pride« replied Jingle quite at his ease »Wouldnt do
no go caught a captain eh ha ha very good husband for daughter
biter bit make it public not for worlds look stupid very«
»Wretch« said Mrs Nupkins »we scorn your base insinuations«
»I always hated him« added Henrietta
»Oh of course« said Jingle »Tall young man old lover Sidney Porkenham
rich fine fellow not so rich as captain though turn him away off
with him anything for captain nothing like captain anywhere all the girls
raving mad eh Job«
Here Mr Jingle laughed very heartily and Job rubbing his hands with
delight uttered the first sound he had given vent to since he entered the
house a low noiseless chuckle which seemed to intimate that he enjoyed his
laugh too much to let any of it escape in sound
»Mr Nupkins« said the elder lady »this is not a fit conversation for the
servants to overhear Let these wretches be removed«
»Certainly my dear« said Mr Nupkins »Muzzle«
»Your worship«
»Open the front door«
»Yes your worship«
»Leave the house« said Mr Nupkins waving his hand emphatically
Jingle smiled and moved towards the door
»Stay« said Mr Pickwick
Jingle stopped
»I might« said Mr Pickwick »have taken a much greater revenge for the
treatment I have experienced at your hands and that of your hypocritical friend
there«
Job Trotter bowed with great politeness and laid his hand upon his heart
»I say« said Mr Pickwick growing gradually angry »that I might have
taken a greater revenge but I content myself with exposing you which I
consider a duty I owe to society This is a leniency sir which I hope you will
remember«
When Mr Pickwick arrived at this point Job Trotter with facetious gravity
applied his hand to his ear as if desirous not to lose a syllable he uttered
»And I have only to add sir« said Mr Pickwick now thoroughly angry
»that I consider you a rascal and a a ruffian and and worse than any man
I ever saw or heard of except that pious and sanctified vagabond in the
mulberry livery«
»Ha ha« said Jingle »good fellow Pickwick fine heart stout old boy
but must not be passionate bad thing very bye bye see you again some day
keep up your spirits now Job trot«
With these words Mr Jingle stuck on his hat in the old fashion and strode
out of the room Job Trotter paused looked round smiled and then with a bow
of mock solemnity to Mr Pickwick and a wink to Mr Weller the audacious
slyness of which baffles all description followed the footsteps of his hopeful
master
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick as Mr Weller was following
»Sir«
»Stay here«
Mr Weller seemed uncertain
»Stay here« repeated Mr Pickwick
»Maynt I polish that ere Job off in the front garden« said Mr Weller
»Certainly not« replied Mr Pickwick
»Maynt I kick him out o the gate sir« said Mr Weller
»Not on any account« replied his master
For the first time since his engagement Mr Weller looked for a moment
discontented and unhappy But his countenance immediately cleared up for the
wily Mr Muzzle by concealing himself behind the street door and rushing
violently out at the right instant contrived with great dexterity to overturn
both Mr Jingle and his attendant down the flight of steps into the American
aloe tubs that stood beneath
»Having discharged my duty sir« said Mr Pickwick to Mr Nupkins »I will
with my friends bid you farewell While we thank you for such hospitality as we
have received permit me to assure you in our joint names that we should not
have accepted it or have consented to extricate ourselves in this way from our
previous dilemma had we not been impelled by a strong sense of duty We return
to London tomorrow Your secret is safe with us«
Having thus entered his protest against their treatment of the morning Mr
Pickwick bowed low to the ladies and notwithstanding the solicitations of the
family left the room with his friends
»Get your hat Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»Its below stairs sir« said Sam and he ran down after it
Now there was nobody in the kitchen but the pretty housemaid and as
Sams hat was mislaid he had to look for it and the pretty housemaid lighted
him They had to look all over the place for the hat The pretty housemaid in
her anxiety to find it went down on her knees and turned over all the things
that were heaped together in a little corner by the door It was an awkward
corner You couldnt get at it without shutting the door first
»Here it is« said the pretty housemaid »This is it aint it«
»Let me look« said Sam
The pretty housemaid had stood the candle on the floor as it gave a very
dim light Sam was obliged to go down on his knees before he could see whether
it really was his own hat or not It was a remarkably small corner and so it
was nobodys fault but the mans who built the house Sam and the pretty
housemaid were necessarily very close together
»Yes this is it« said Sam »Good bye«
»Good bye« said the pretty housemaid
»Good bye« said Sam and as he said it he dropped the hat that had cost so
much trouble in looking for
»How awkward you are« said the pretty housemaid »Youll lose it again if
you dont take care«
So just to prevent his losing it again she put it on for him
Whether it was that the pretty housemaids face looked prettier still when
it was raised towards Sams or whether it was the accidental consequence of
their being so near to each other is matter of uncertainty to this day but Sam
kissed her
»You dont mean to say you did that on purpose« said the pretty housemaid
blushing
»No I didnt then« said Sam »but I will now«
So he kissed her again
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick calling over the banisters
»Coming sir« replied Sam running up stairs
»How long you have been« said Mr Pickwick
»There was something behind the door sir which perwented our getting it
open for ever so long sir« replied Sam
And this was the first passage of Mr Wellers first love
Chapter XXVI
Which Contains a Brief Account of the Progress of the Action of Bardell Against
Pickwick
Having accomplished the main end and object of his journey by the exposure of
Jingle Mr Pickwick resolved on immediately returning to London with the view
of becoming acquainted with the proceedings which had been taken against him in
the mean time by Messrs Dodson and Fogg Acting upon this resolution with all
the energy and decision of his character he mounted to the back seat of the
first coach which left Ipswich on the morning after the memorable occurrences
detailed at length in the two preceding chapters and accompanied by his three
friends and Mr Samuel Weller arrived in the metropolis in perfect health and
safety the same evening
Here the friends for a short time separated Messrs Tupman Winkle and
Snodgrass repaired to their several homes to make such preparations as might be
requisite for their forthcoming visit to Dingley Dell and Mr Pickwick and Sam
took up their present abode in very good oldfashioned and comfortable
quarters to wit the George and Vulture Tavern and Hotel George Yard Lombard
Street
Mr Pickwick had dined finished his second pint of particular port pulled
his silk handkerchief over his head put his feet on the fender and thrown
himself back in an easy chair when the entrance of Mr Weller with his carpet
bag aroused him from his tranquil meditations
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»Sir« said Mr Weller
»I have just been thinking Sam« said Mr Pickwick »that having left a
good many things at Mrs Bardells in Goswell Street I ought to arrange for
taking them away before I leave town again«
»Wery good sir« replied Mr Weller
»I could send them to Mr Tupmans for the present Sam« continued Mr
Pickwick »but before we take them away it is necessary that they should be
looked up and put together I wish you would step up to Goswell Street Sam
and arrange about it«
»At once sir« inquired Mr Weller
»At once« replied Mr Pickwick »And stay Sam« added Mr Pickwick
pulling out his purse »There is some rent to pay The quarter is not due till
Christmas but you may pay it and have done with it A months notice
terminates my tenancy Here it is written out Give it and tell Mrs Bardell
she may put a bill up as soon as she likes«
»Wery good sir« replied Mr Weller »anythin more sir«
»Nothing more Sam«
Mr Weller stepped slowly to the door as if he expected something more
slowly opened it slowly stepped out and had slowly closed it within a couple
of inches when Mr Pickwick called out
»Sam«
»Sir« said Mr Weller stepping quickly back and closing the door behind
him
»I have no objection Sam to your endeavouring to ascertain how Mrs
Bardell herself seems disposed towards me and whether it is really probable
that this vile and groundless action is to be carried to extremity I say I do
not object to your doing this if you wish it Sam« said Mr Pickwick
Sam gave a short nod of intelligence and left the room Mr Pickwick drew
the silk handkerchief once more over his head and composed himself for a nap
Mr Weller promptly walked forth to execute his commission
It was nearly nine oclock when he reached Goswell Street A couple of
candles were burning in the little front parlour and a couple of caps were
reflected on the windowblind Mrs Bardell had got company
Mr Weller knocked at the door and after a pretty long interval occupied
by the party without in whistling a tune and by the party within in
persuading a refractory flat candle to allow itself to be lighted a pair of
small boots pattered over the floorcloth and Master Bardell presented himself
»Well young townskip« said Sam »hows mother«
»Shes pretty well« replied Master Bardell »so am I«
»Well thats a mercy« said Sam »tell her I want to speak to her will
you my hinfant fernomenon«
Master Bardell thus adjured placed the refractory flat candle on the
bottom stair and vanished into the front parlour with his message
The two caps reflected on the windowblind were the respective
headdresses of a couple of Mrs Bardells most particular acquaintance who had
just stepped in to have a quiet cup of tea and a little warm supper of a
couple of sets of pettitoes and some toasted cheese The cheese was simmering
and browning away most delightfully in a little Dutch oven before the fire
the pettitoes were getting on deliciously in a little tin saucepan on the hob
and Mrs Bardell and her two friends were getting on very well also in a
little quiet conversation about and concerning all their particular friends and
acquaintance when Master Bardell came back from answering the door and
delivered the message intrusted to him by Mr Samuel Weller
»Mr Pickwicks servant« said Mrs Bardell turning pale
»Bless my soul« said Mrs Cluppins
»Well I raly would not ha believed it unless I had ha happened to ha
been here« said Mrs Sanders
Mrs Cluppins was a little brisk busylooking woman Mrs Sanders was a
big fat heavyfaced personage and the two were the company
Mrs Bardell felt it proper to be agitated and as none of the three exactly
knew whether under existing circumstances any communication otherwise than
through Dodson and Fogg ought to be held with Mr Pickwicks servant they were
all rather taken by surprise In this state of indecision obviously the first
thing to be done was to thump the boy for finding Mr Weller at the door So
his mother thumped him and he cried melodiously
»Hold your noise do you naughty creetur« said Mrs Bardell
»Yes dont worrit your poor mother« said Mrs Sanders
»Shes quite enough to worrit her as it is without you Tommy« said Mrs
Cluppins with sympathising resignation
»Ah worse luck poor lamb« said Mrs Sanders
At all which moral reflections Master Bardell howled the louder
»Now what shall I do« said Mrs Bardell to Mrs Cluppins
»I think you ought to see him« replied Mrs Cluppins »But on no account
without a witness«
»I think two witnesses would be more lawful« said Mrs Sanders who like
the other friend was bursting with curiosity
»Perhaps hed better come in here« said Mrs Bardell
»To be sure« replied Mrs Cluppins eagerly catching at the idea »Walk in
young man and shut the street door first please«
Mr Weller immediately took the hint and presenting himself in the parlour
explained his business to Mrs Bardell thus
»Werry sorry to casion any personal inconwenience maam as the
housebreaker said to the old lady when he put her on the fire but as me and my
governors only jest come to town and is jest going away agin it cant be
helped you see«
»Of course the young man cant help the faults of his master« said Mrs
Cluppins much struck by Mr Wallers appearance and conversation
»Certainly not« chimed in Mrs Sanders who from certain wistful glances
at the little tin saucepan seemed to be engaged in a mental calculation of the
probable extent of the pettitoes in the event of Sams being asked to stop
supper
»So all Ive come about is jest this here« said Sam disregarding the
interruption »First to give my governors notice there it is Secondly to
pay the rent here it is Thirdly to say as all his things is to be put
together and give to anybody as we sends for em Fourthly that you may let
the place as soon as you like and thats all«
»Whatever has happened« said Mrs Bardell »I always have said and always
will say that in every respect but one Mr Pickwick has always behaved himself
like a perfect gentleman His money always was as good as the bank always«
As Mrs Bardell said this she applied her handkerchief to her eyes and
went out of the room to get the receipt
Sam well knew that he had only to remain quiet and the women were sure to
talk so he looked alternately at the tin saucepan the toasted cheese the
wall and the ceiling in profound silence
»Poor dear« said Mrs Cluppins
»Ah poor thing« replied Mrs Sanders
Sam said nothing He saw they were coming to the subject
»I rally cannot contain myself« said Mrs Cluppins »when I think of such
perjury I dont wish to say anything to make you uncomfortable young man but
your masters an old brute and I wish I had him here to tell him so«
»I wish you had« said Sam
»To see how dreadful she takes on going moping about and taking no
pleasure in nothing except when her friends comes in out of charity to sit
with her and make her comfortable« resumed Mrs Cluppins glancing at the tin
saucepan and the Dutch oven »its shocking«
»Barbareous« said Mrs Sanders
»And your master young man A gentleman with money as could never feel the
expense of a wife no more than nothing« continued Mrs Cluppins with great
volubility »why there aint the faintest shade of an excuse for his behaviour
Why dont he marry her«
»Ah« said Sam »to be sure thats the question«
»Question indeed« retorted Mrs Cluppins »shed question him if shed my
spirit Howsever there is law for us women misrable creeturs as theyd make
us if they could and that your master will find out young man to his cost
afore hes six months older«
At this consolatory reflection Mrs Cluppins bridled up and smiled at Mrs
Sanders who smiled back again
»The actions going on and no mistake« thought Sam as Mrs Bardell
reentered with the receipt
»Heres the receipt Mr Weller« said Mrs Bardell »and heres the change
and I hope youll take a little drop of something to keep the cold out if its
only for old acquaintance sake Mr Weller«
Sam saw the advantage he should gain and at once acquiesced whereupon Mrs
Bardell produced from a small closet a black bottle and a wine glass and so
great was her abstraction in her deep mental affliction that after filling
Mr Wellers glass she brought out three more wine glasses and filled them
too
»Lauk Mrs Bardell« said Mrs Cluppins »see what youve been and done«
»Well that is a good one« ejaculated Mrs Sanders
»Ah my poor head« said Mrs Bardell with a faint smile
Sam understood all this of course so he said at once that he never could
drink before supper unless a lady drank with him A great deal of laughing
ensued and Mrs Sanders volunteered to humour him so she took a slight sip out
of her glass Then Sam said it must go all round so they all took a slight
sip Then little Mrs Cluppins proposed as a toast »Success to Bardell agin
Pickwick« and then the ladies emptied their glasses in honour of the sentiment
and got very talkative directly
»I suppose youve heard whats going forward Mr Weller« said Mrs
Bardell
»Ive heerd somethin on it« replied Sam
»Its a terrible thing to be dragged before the public in that way Mr
Weller« said Mrs Bardell »but I see now that its the only thing I ought to
do and my lawyers Mr Dodson and Fogg tell me that with the evidence as we
shall call we must succeed I dont know what I should do Mr Weller if I
didnt«
The mere idea of Mrs Bardells failing in her action affected Mrs Sanders
so deeply that she was under the necessity of refilling and reemptying her
glass immediately feeling as she said afterwards that if she hadnt had the
presence of mind to do so she must have dropped
»Ven is it expected to come on« inquired Sam
»Either in February or March« replied Mrs Bardell
»What a number of witnesses therell be wont there« said Mrs Cluppins
»Ah wont there« replied Mrs Sanders
»And wont Mr Dodson and Fogg be wild if the plaintiff shouldnt get it«
added Mrs Cluppins »when they do it all on speculation«
»Ah wont they« said Mrs Sanders
»But the plaintiff must get it« resumed Mrs Cluppins
»I hope so« said Mrs Bardell
»Oh there cant be any doubt about it« rejoined Mrs Sanders
»Vell« said Sam rising and setting down his glass »All I can say is that
I wish you may get it«
»Thankee Mr Weller« said Mrs Bardell fervently
»And of them Dodson and Foggs as does these sort o things on spec«
continued Mr Weller »as well as for the other kind and genrous people o the
same purfession as sets people by the ears free gratis for nothin and sets
their clerks to work to find out little disputes among their neighbours and
acquaintances as vants settlin by means o lawsuits all I can say o them
is that I vish they had the revard Id give em«
»Ah I wish they had the reward that every kind and generous heart would be
inclined to bestow upon them« said the gratified Mrs Bardell
»Amen to that« replied Sam »and a fat and happy livin theyd get out of
it Wish you good night ladies«
To the great relief of Mrs Sanders Sam was allowed to depart without any
reference on the part of the hostess to the pettitoes and toasted cheese to
which the ladies with such juvenile assistance as Master Bardell could afford
soon afterwards rendered the amplest justice indeed they wholly vanished
before their strenuous exertions
Mr Weller went his way back to the George and Vulture and faithfully
recounted to his master such indications of the sharp practice of Dodson and
Fogg as he had contrived to pick up in his visit to Mrs Bardells An
interview with Mr Perker next day more than confirmed Mr Wellers statement
and Mr Pickwick was fain to prepare for his Christmas visit to Dingley Dell
with the pleasant anticipation that some two or three months afterwards an
action brought against him for damages sustained by reason of a breach of
promise of marriage would be publicly tried in the Court of Common Pleas the
plaintiff having all the advantages derivable not only from the force of
circumstances but from the sharp practice of Dodson and Fogg to boot
Chapter XXVII
Samuel Weller Makes a Pilgrimage to Dorking and Beholds His MotherinLaw
There still remaining an interval of two days before the time agreed upon for
the departure of the Pickwickians to Dingley Dell Mr Weller sat himself down
in a back room at the George and Vulture after eating an early dinner to muse
on the best way of disposing of his time It was a remarkably fine day and he
had not turned the matter over in his mind ten minutes when he was suddenly
stricken filial and affectionate and it occurred to him so strongly that he
ought to go down and see his father and pay his duty to his motherinlaw that
he was lost in astonishment at his own remissness in never thinking of this
moral obligation before Anxious to atone for his past neglect without another
hours delay he straightway walked up stairs to Mr Pickwick and requested
leave of absence for this laudable purpose
»Certainly Sam certainly« said Mr Pickwick his eyes glistening with
delight at this manifestation of filial feeling on the part of his attendant
»certainly Sam«
Mr Weller made a grateful bow
»I am very glad to see that you have so high a sense of your duties as a
son Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»I always had sir« replied Mr Weller
»Thats a very gratifying reflection Sam« said Mr Pickwick approvingly
»Wery sir« replied Mr Weller »if ever I wanted anythin o my father I
always asked for it in a wery spectful and obligin manner If he didnt give
it me I took it for fear I should be led to do anythin wrong through not
havin it I saved him a world o trouble in this vay sir«
»Thats not precisely what I meant Sam« said Mr Pickwick shaking his
head with a slight smile
»All good feelin sir the wery best intentions as the genlmn said ven
he run away from his wife cos she seemed unhappy with him« replied Mr Weller
»You may go Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»Thankee sir« replied Mr Weller and having made his best bow and put
on his best clothes Sam planted himself on the top of the Arundel coach and
journeyed on to Dorking
The Marquis of Granby in Mrs Wellers time was quite a model of a roadside
publichouse of the better class just large enough to be convenient and small
enough to be snug On the opposite side of the road was a large signboard on a
high post representing the head and shoulders of a gentleman with an apoplectic
countenance in a red coat with deep blue facings and a touch of the same blue
over his threecornered hat for a sky Over that again were a pair of flags
beneath the last button of his coat were a couple of cannon and the whole
formed an expressive and undoubted likeness of the Marquis of Granby of glorious
memory
The bar window displayed a choice collection of geranium plants and a
welldusted row of spirit phials The open shutters bore a variety of golden
inscriptions eulogistic of good beds and neat wines and the choice group of
countrymen and hostlers lounging about the stabledoor and horsetrough
afforded presumptive proof of the excellent quality of the ale and spirits which
were sold within Sam Weller paused when he dismounted from the coach to note
all these little indications of a thriving business with the eye of an
experienced traveller and having done so stepped in at once highly satisfied
with everything he had observed
»Now then« said a shrill female voice the instant Sam thrust his head in
at the door »what do you want young man«
Sam looked round in the direction whence the voice proceeded It came from a
rather stout lady of comfortable appearance who was seated beside the
fireplace in the bar blowing the fire to make the kettle boil for tea She was
not alone for on the other side of the fireplace sitting bolt upright in a
highbacked chair was a man in threadbare black clothes with a back almost as
long and stiff as that of the chair itself who caught Sams most particular and
especial attention at once
He was a primfaced rednosed man with a long thin countenance and a
semirattlesnake sort of eye rather sharp but decidedly bad He wore very
short trousers and blackcotton stockings which like the rest of his apparel
were particularly rusty His looks were starched but his white neckerchief was
not and its long limp ends straggled over his closelybuttoned waistcoat in a
very uncouth and unpicturesque fashion A pair of old worn beaver gloves a
broadbrimmed hat and a faded green umbrella with plenty of whalebone sticking
through the bottom as if to counterbalance the want of a handle at the top lay
on a chair beside him and being disposed in a very tidy and careful manner
seemed to imply that the rednosed man whoever he was had no intention of
going away in a hurry
To do the rednosed man justice he would have been very far from wise if he
had entertained any such intention for to judge from all appearances he must
have been possessed of a most desirable circle of acquaintance if he could have
reasonably expected to be more comfortable anywhere else The fire was blazing
brightly under the influence of the bellows and the kettle was singing gaily
under the influence of both A small tray of teathings was arranged on the
table a plate of hot buttered toast was gently simmering before the fire and
the rednosed man himself was busily engaged in converting a large slice of
bread into the same agreeable edible through the instrumentality of a long
brass toastingfork Beside him stood a glass of reeking hot pineapple rum and
water with a slice of lemon in it and every time the rednosed man stopped to
bring the round of toast to his eye with the view of ascertaining how it got
on he imbibed a drop or two of the hot pineapple rum and water and smiled
upon the rather stout lady as she blew the fire
Sam was so lost in the contemplation of this comfortable scene that he
suffered the first inquiry of the rather stout lady to pass unheeded It was not
until it had been twice repeated each time in a shriller tone that he became
conscious of the impropriety of his behaviour
»Governor in« inquired Sam in reply to the question
»No he isnt« replied Mrs Weller for the rather stout lady was no other
than the quondam relict and sole executrix of the deadandgone Mr Clarke »No
he isnt and I dont expect him either«
»I suppose hes a drivin up today« said Sam
»He may be or he may not« replied Mrs Weller buttering the round of
toast which the rednosed man had just finished »I dont know and whats
more I dont care Ask a blessin Mr Stiggins«
The rednosed man did as he was desired and instantly commenced on the
toast with fierce voracity
The appearance of the rednosed man had induced Sam at first sight to more
than half suspect that he was the deputy shepherd of whom his estimable parent
had spoken The moment he saw him eat all doubt on the subject was removed and
he perceived at once that if he purposed to take up his temporary quarters where
he was he must make his footing good without delay He therefore commenced
proceedings by putting his arm over the halfdoor of the bar coolly unbolting
it and leisurely walking in
»Motherinlaw« said Sam »how are you«
»Why I do believe he is a Weller« said Mrs W raising her eyes to Sams
face with no very gratified expression of countenance
»I rayther think he is« said the imperturbable Sam »and I hope this here
reverend genlmn ll excuse me saying that I wish I was the Weller as owns you
motherinlaw«
This was a doublebarrelled compliment It implied that Mrs Weller was a
most agreeable female and also that Mr Stiggins had a clerical appearance It
made a visible impression at once and Sam followed up his advantage by kissing
his motherinlaw
»Get along with you« said Mrs Weller pushing him away
»For shame young man« said the gentleman with the red nose
»No offence sir no offence« replied Sam »youre wery right though it
aint the right sort o thing wen mothersinlaw is young and good looking is
it sir«
»Its all vanity« said Mr Stiggins
»Ah so it is« said Mrs Weller setting her cap to rights
Sam thought it was too but he held his peace
The deputy shepherd seemed by no means best pleased with Sams arrival and
when the first effervescence of the compliment had subsided even Mrs Weller
looked as if she could have spared him without the smallest inconvenience
However there he was and as he couldnt be decently turned out they all three
sat down to tea
»And hows father« said Sam
At this inquiry Mrs Weller raised her hands and turned up her eyes as if
the subject were too painful to be alluded to
Mr Stiggins groaned
»Whats the matter with that ere genlmn« inquired Sam
»Hes shocked at the way your father goes on in« replied Mrs Weller
»Oh he is is he« said Sam
»And with too good reason« added Mrs Weller gravely
Mr Stiggins took up a fresh piece of toast and groaned heavily
»He is a dreadful reprobate« said Mrs Weller
»A man of wrath« exclaimed Mr Stiggins He took a large semicircular bite
out of the toast and groaned again
Sam felt very strongly disposed to give the reverend Mr Stiggins something
to groan for but he repressed his inclination and merely asked »Whats the
old un up to now«
»Up to indeed« said Mrs Weller »Oh he has a hard heart Night after
night does this excellent man dont frown Mr Stiggins I will say you are an
excellent man come and sit here for hours together and it has not the least
effect upon him«
»Well that is odd« said Sam »it ud have a wery considerable effect upon
me if I wos in his place I know that«
»The fact is my young friend« said Mr Stiggins solemnly »he has an
obderrate bosom Oh my young friend who else could have resisted the pleading
of sixteen of our fairest sisters and withstood their exhortations to subscribe
to our noble society for providing the infant negroes in the West Indies with
flannel waistcoats and moral pocket handkerchiefs«
»Whats a moral pocket ankercher« said Sam »I never see one o them
articles o furniter«
»Those which combine amusement with instruction my young friend« replied
Mr Stiggins »blending select tales with woodcuts«
»Oh I know« said Sam »them as hangs up in the linendrapers shops with
beggars petitions and all that ere upon em«
Mr Stiggins began a third round of toast and nodded assent
»And he wouldnt be persuaded by the ladies wouldnt he« said Sam
»Sat and smoked his pipe and said the infant negroes were what did he say
the infant negroes were« said Mrs Weller
»Little humbugs« replied Mr Stiggins deeply affected
»Said the infant negroes were little humbugs« repeated Mrs Weller And
they both groaned at the atrocious conduct of the old gentleman
A great many more iniquities of a similar nature might have been disclosed
only the toast being all eaten the tea having got very weak and Sam holding
out no indications of meaning to go Mr Stiggins suddenly recollected that he
had a most pressing appointment with the shepherd and took himself off
accordingly
The teathings had been scarcely put away and the hearth swept up when the
London coach deposited Mr Weller senior at the door his legs deposited him in
the bar and his eyes showed him his son
»What Sammy« exclaimed the father
»What old Nobs« ejaculated the son And they shook hands heartily
»Werry glad to see you Sammy« said the elder Mr Weller »though how
youve managed to get over your motherinlaw is a mystery to me I only vish
youd write me out the receipt thats all«
»Hush« said Sam »shes at home old feller«
»She aint vithin hearin« replied Mr Weller »she always goes and blows
up down stairs for a couple of hours arter tea so we ll just give ourselves
a damp Sammy«
Saying this Mr Weller mixed two glasses of spirits and water and produced
a couple of pipes The father and son sitting down opposite each other Sam on
one side of the fire in the highbacked chair and Mr Weller senior on the
other in an easy ditto they proceeded to enjoy themselves with all due
gravity
»Anybody been here Sammy« asked Mr Weller senior drily after a long
silence
Sam nodded an expressive assent
»Rednosed chap« inquired Mr Weller
Sam nodded again
»Amiable man that ere Sammy« said Mr Weller smoking violently
»Seems so« observed Sam
»Good hand at accounts« said Mr Weller
»Is he« said Sam
»Borrows eighteenpence on Monday and comes on Tuesday for a shillin to
make it up half a crown calls again on Vensday for another half crown to make
it five shillins and goes on doubling till he gets it up to a five pund note
in no time like them sums in the rithmetic book bout the nails in the horses
shoes Sammy«
Sam intimated by a nod that he recollected the problem alluded to by his
parent
»So you vouldnt subscribe to the flannel veskits« said Sam after another
interval of smoking
»Certnly not« replied Mr Weller »whats the good o flannel veskits to
the young niggers abroad But Ill tell you what it is Sammy« said Mr Weller
lowering his voice and bending across the fireplace »Id come down wery
handsome towards strait veskits for some people at home«
As Mr Weller said this he slowly recovered his former position and winked
at his firstborn in a profound manner
»It certnly seems a queer start to send out pocket ankerchers to people as
dont know the use on em« observed Sam
»Theyre alvays a doin some gammon of that sort Sammy« replied his
father »Tother Sunday I wos walkin up the road wen who should I see a
standin at a chapeldoor with a blue soupplate in her hand but your
motherinlaw I werily believe there was change for a couple o suvrins in it
then Sammy all in hapence and as the people come out they rattled the
pennies in it till youd ha thought that no mortal plate as ever was baked
could ha stood the wear and tear What dye think it was all for«
»For another teadrinkin perhaps« said Sam
»Not a bit on it« replied the father »for the shepherds waterrate
Sammy«
»The shepherds waterrate« said Sam
»Ay« replied Mr Weller »there was three quarters owin and the shepherd
hadnt paid a farden not he perhaps it might be on account that the water
warnt o much use to him for its wery little o that tap he drinks Sammy
wery he knows a trick worth a good half dozen of that he does Howsever it
warnt paid and so they cuts the water off Down goes the shepherd to chapel
gives out as hes a persecuted saint and says he hopes the heart of the
turncock as cut the water off ll be softened and turned in the right vay but
he rayther thinks hes booked for somethin uncomfortable Upon this the women
calls a meetin sings a hymn wotes your motherinlaw into the chair
wolunteers a collection next Sunday and hands it all over to the shepherd And
if he aint got enough out on em Sammy to make him free of the water company
for life« said Mr Weller in conclusion »Im one Dutchman and youre
another and thats all about it«
Mr Weller smoked for some minutes in silence and then resumed
»The worst o these here shepherds is my boy that they reglarly turns the
heads of all the young ladies about here Lord bless their little hearts they
thinks its all right and dont know no better but theyre the wictims o
gammon Samivel theyre the wictims o gammon«
»I spose they are« said Sam
»Nothin else« said Mr Weller shaking his head gravely »and wot
aggrawates me Samivel is to see em a wastin all their time and labour in
making clothes for coppercoloured people as dont want em and taking no
notice of fleshcoloured Christians as do If Id my vay Samivel Id just
stick some o these here lazy shepherds behind a heavy wheelbarrow and run em
up and down a fourteen inchwide plank all day That ud shake the nonsense out
of em if anythin vould«
Mr Weller having delivered this gentle recipe with strong emphasis eked
out by a variety of nods and contortions of the eye emptied his glass at a
draught and knocked the ashes out of his pipe with native dignity
He was engaged in this operation when a shrill voice was heard in the
passage
»Heres your dear relation Sammy« said Mr Weller and Mrs W hurried
into the room
»Oh youve come back have you« said Mrs Weller
»Yes my dear« replied Mr Weller filling a fresh pipe
»Has Mr Stiggins been back« said Mrs Weller
»No my dear he hasnt« replied Mr Weller lighting the pipe by the
ingenious process of holding to the bowl thereof between the tongs a redhot
coal from the adjacent fire »and whats more my dear I shall manage to
surwive it if he dont come back at all«
»Ugh you wretch« said Mrs Weller
»Thankee my love« said Mr Weller
»Come come father« said Sam »none o these little lovins afore
strangers Heres the reverend genlmn a comin in now«
At this announcement Mrs Weller hastily wiped off the tears which she had
just begun to force on and Mr W drew his chair sullenly into the chimney
corner
Mr Stiggins was easily prevailed on to take another glass of the hot
pineapple rum and water and a second and a third and then to refresh himself
with a slight supper previous to beginning again He sat on the same side as
Mr Weller senior and every time he could contrive to do so unseen by his
wife that gentleman indicated to his son the hidden emotions of his bosom by
shaking his fist over the deputy shepherds head a process which afforded his
son the most unmingled delight and satisfaction the more especially as Mr
Stiggins went on quietly drinking the hot pineapple rum and water wholly
unconscious of what was going on
The major part of the conversation was confined to Mrs Weller and the
reverend Mr Stiggins and the topics principally descanted on were the virtues
of the shepherd the worthiness of his flock and the high crimes and
misdemeanours of everybody beside dissertations which the elder Mr Weller
occasionally interrupted by halfsuppressed references to a gentleman of the
name of Walker and other running commentaries of the same kind
At length Mr Stiggins with several most indubitable symptoms of having
quite as much pineapple rum and water about him as he could comfortably
accommodate took his hat and his leave and Sam was immediately afterwards
shown to bed by his father The respectable old gentleman wrung his hand
fervently and seemed disposed to address some observation to his son but on
Mrs Weller advancing towards him he appeared to relinquish that intention and
abruptly bade him good night
Sam was up betimes next day and having partaken of a hasty breakfast
prepared to return to London He had scarcely set foot without the house when
his father stood before him
»Goin Sammy« inquired Mr Weller
»Off at once« replied Sam
»I vish you could muffle that ere Stiggins and take him with you« said
Mr Weller
»I am ashamed on you« said Sam reproachfully »what do you let him show
his red nose in the Markis o Granby at all for«
Mr Weller the elder fixed on his son an earnest look and replied »Cause
Im a married man Samivel cause Im a married man Wen youre a married man
Samivel youll understand a good many things as you dont understand now but
vether its worth while goin through so much to learn so little as the
charityboy said ven he got to the end of the alphabet is a matter o taste I
rayther think it isnt«
»Well« said Sam »good bye«
»Tar tar Sammy« replied his father
»Ive only got to say this here« said Sam stopping short »that if I was
the properiator o the Markis o Granby and that ere Stiggins came and made
toast in my bar Id «
»What« interposed Mr Weller with great anxiety »What«
» Pison his rum and water« said Sam
»No« said Mr Weller shaking his son eagerly by the hand »would you raly
Sammy would you though«
»I would« said Sam »I wouldnt be too hard upon him at first Id drop him
in the waterbutt and put the lid on and if I found he was insensible to
kindness Id try the other persvasion«
The elder Mr Weller bestowed a look of deep unspeakable admiration on his
son and having once more grasped his hand walked slowly away revolving in
his mind the numerous reflections to which his advice had given rise
Sam looked after him until he turned a corner of the road and then set
forward on his walk to London He meditated at first on the probable
consequences of his own advice and the likelihood and unlikelihood of his
fathers adopting it He dismissed the subject from his mind however with the
consolatory reflection that time alone would show and this is the reflection we
would impress upon the reader
Chapter XXVIII
A GoodHumoured Christmas Chapter Containing an Account of a Wedding and Some
Other Sports Beside Which Although in Their Way Even as Good Customs as
Marriage Itself Are Not Quite So Religiously Kept Up in These Degenerate
Times
As brisk as bees if not altogether as light as fairies did the four
Pickwickians assemble on the morning of the twentysecond day of December in
the year of grace in which these their faithfullyrecorded adventures were
undertaken and accomplished Christmas was close at hand in all his bluff and
hearty honesty it was the season of hospitality merriment and
openheartedness the old year was preparing like an ancient philosopher to
call his friends around him and amidst the sound of feasting and revelry to
pass gently and calmly away Gay and merry was the time and gay and merry were
at least four of the numerous hearts that were gladdened by its coming
And numerous indeed are the hearts to which Christmas brings a brief season
of happiness and enjoyment How many families whose members have been dispersed
and scattered far and wide in the restless struggles of life are then
reunited and meet once again in that happy state of companionship and mutual
goodwill which is a source of such pure and unalloyed delight and one so
incompatible with the cares and sorrows of the world that the religious belief
of the most civilised nations and the rude traditions of the roughest savages
alike number it among the first joys of a future condition of existence
provided for the blest and happy How many old recollections and how many
dormant sympathies does Christmas time awaken
We write these words now many miles distant from the spot at which year
after year we met on that day a merry and joyous circle Many of the hearts
that throbbed so gaily then have ceased to beat many of the looks that shone
so brightly then have ceased to glow the hands we grasped have grown cold the
eyes we sought have hid their lustre in the grave and yet the old house the
room the merry voices and smiling faces the jest the laugh the most minute
and trivial circumstances connected with those happy meetings crowd upon our
mind at each recurrence of the season as if the last assemblage had been but
yesterday Happy happy Christmas that can win us back to the delusions of our
childish days that can recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth that
can transport the sailor and the traveller thousands of miles away back to his
own fireside and his quiet home
But we are so taken up and occupied with the good qualities of this saint
Christmas that we are keeping Mr Pickwick and his friends waiting in the cold
on the outside of the Muggleton coach which they have just attained well
wrapped up in greatcoats shawls and comforters The portmanteaus and
carpetbags have been stowed away and Mr Weller and the guard are endeavouring
to insinuate into the foreboot a huge codfish several sizes too large for it
which is snugly packed up in a long brown basket with a layer of straw over
the top and which has been left to the last in order that he may repose in
safety on the halfdozen barrels of real native oysters all the property of Mr
Pickwick which have been arranged in regular order at the bottom of the
receptacle The interest displayed in Mr Pickwicks countenance is most
intense as Mr Weller and the guard try to squeeze the codfish into the boot
first head first and then tail first and then top upward and then bottom
upward and then sideways and then longways all of which artifices the
implacable codfish sturdily resists until the guard accidentally hits him in
the very middle of the basket whereupon he suddenly disappears into the boot
and with him the head and shoulders of the guard himself who not calculating
upon so sudden a cessation of the passive resistance of the codfish
experiences a very unexpected shock to the unsmotherable delight of all the
porters and bystanders Upon this Mr Pickwick smiles with great goodhumour
and drawing a shilling from his waistcoat pocket begs the guard as he picks
himself out of the boot to drink his health in a glass of hot brandy and water
at which the guard smiles too and Messrs Snodgrass Winkle and Tupman all
smile in company The guard and Mr Weller disappear for five minutes most
probably to get the hot brandy and water for they smell very strongly of it
when they return the coachman mounts to the box Mr Weller jumps up behind
the Pickwickians pull their coats round their legs and their shawls over their
noses the helpers pull the horsecloths off the coachman shouts out a cheery
»All right« and away they go
They have rumbled through the streets and jolted over the stones and at
length reach the wide and open country The wheels skim over the hard and frosty
ground and the horses bursting into a canter at a smart crack of the whip
step along the road as if the load behind them coach passengers codfish
oyster barrels and all were but a feather at their heels They have descended
a gentle slope and enter upon a level as compact and dry as a solid block of
marble two miles long Another crack of the whip and on they speed at a smart
gallop the horses tossing their heads and rattling the harness as if in
exhilaration at the rapidity of the motion while the coachman holding whip and
reins in one hand takes off his hat with the other and resting it on his
knees pulls out his handkerchief and wipes his forehead partly because he has
a habit of doing it and partly because its as well to show the passengers how
cool he is and what an easy thing it is to drive fourinhand when you have
had as much practice as he has Having done this very leisurely otherwise the
effect would be materially impaired he replaces his handkerchief pulls on his
hat adjusts his gloves squares his elbows cracks the whip again and on they
speed more merrily than before
A few small houses scattered on either side of the road betoken the
entrance to some town or village The lively notes of the guards keybugle
vibrate in the clear cold air and wake up the old gentleman inside who
carefully letting down the windowsash halfway and standing sentry over the
air takes a short peep out and then carefully pulling it up again informs the
other inside that theyre going to change directly on which the other inside
wakes himself up and determines to postpone his next nap until after the
stoppage Again the bugle sounds lustily forth and rouses the cottagers wife
and children who peep out at the housedoor and watch the coach till it turns
the corner when they once more crouch round the blazing fire and throw on
another log of wood against father comes home while father himself a full mile
off has just exchanged a friendly nod with the coachman and turned round to
take a good long stare at the vehicle as it whirls away
And now the bugle plays a lively air as the coach rattles through the
illpaved streets of a countrytown and the coachman undoing the buckle which
keeps his ribands together prepares to throw them off the moment he stops Mr
Pickwick emerges from his coat collar and looks about him with great curiosity
perceiving which the coachman informs Mr Pickwick of the name of the town and
tells him it was marketday yesterday both of which pieces of information Mr
Pickwick retails to his fellowpassengers whereupon they emerge from their coat
collars too and look about them also Mr Winkle who sits at the extreme edge
with one leg dangling in the air is nearly precipitated into the street as the
coach twists round the sharp corner by the cheesemongers shop and turns into
the marketplace and before Mr Snodgrass who sits next to him has recovered
from his alarm they pull up at the inn yard where the fresh horses with
cloths on are already waiting The coachman throws down the reins and gets down
himself and the other outside passengers drop down also except those who have
no great confidence in their ability to get up again and they remain where they
are and stamp their feet against the coach to warm them looking with longing
eyes and red noses at the bright fire in the inn bar and the sprigs of holly
with red berries which ornament the window
But the guard has delivered at the corndealers shop the brown paper packet
he took out of the little pouch which hangs over his shoulder by a leathern
strap and has seen the horses carefully put to and has thrown on the pavement
the saddle which was brought from London on the coachroof and has assisted in
the conference between the coachman and the hostler about the grey mare that
hurt her offforeleg last Tuesday and he and Mr Weller are all right behind
and the coachman is all right in front and the old gentleman inside who has
kept the window down full two inches all this time has pulled it up again and
the cloths are off and they are all ready for starting except the two stout
gentlemen whom the coachman inquires after with some impatience Hereupon the
coachman and the guard and Sam Weller and Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass and
all the hostlers and every one of the idlers who are more in number than all
the others put together shout for the missing gentlemen as loud as they can
bawl A distant response is heard from the yard and Mr Pickwick and Mr Tupman
come running down it quite out of breath for they have been having a glass of
ale apiece and Mr Pickwicks fingers are so cold that he has been full five
minutes before he could find the sixpence to pay for it The coachman shouts an
admonitory »Now then genlmn« the guard reechoes it the old gentleman
inside thinks it a very extraordinary thing that people will get down when they
know there isnt time for it Mr Pickwick struggles up on one side Mr Tupman
on the other Mr Winkle cries »All right« and off they start Shawls are
pulled up coat collars are readjusted the pavement ceases the houses
disappear and they are once again dashing along the open road with the fresh
clear air blowing in their faces and gladdening their very hearts within them
Such was the progress of Mr Pickwick and his friends by the Muggleton
Telegraph on their way to Dingley Dell and at three oclock that afternoon
they all stood high and dry safe and sound hale and hearty upon the steps of
the Blue Lion having taken on the road quite enough of ale and brandy to enable
them to bid defiance to the frost that was binding up the earth in its iron
fetters and weaving its beautiful network upon the trees and hedges Mr
Pickwick was busily engaged in counting the barrels of oysters and
superintending the disinterment of the codfish when he felt himself gently
pulled by the skirts of the coat Looking round he discovered that the
individual who resorted to this mode of catching his attention was no other than
Mr Wardles favourite page better known to the readers of this unvarnished
history by the distinguishing appellation of the fat boy
»Aha« said Mr Pickwick
»Aha« said the fat boy
As he said it he glanced from the codfish to the oysterbarrels and
chuckled joyously He was fatter than ever
»Well you look rosy enough my young friend« said Mr Pickwick
»Ive been asleep right in front of the taproom fire« replied the fat
boy who had heated himself to the colour of a new chimneypot in the course of
an hours nap »Master sent me over with the shaycart to carry your luggage up
to the house Hed ha sent some saddlehorses but he thought youd rather
walk being a cold day«
»Yes yes« said Mr Pickwick hastily for he remembered how they had
travelled over nearly the same ground on a previous occasion »Yes we would
rather walk Here Sam«
»Sir« said Mr Weller
»Help Mr Wardles servant to put the packages into the cart and then ride
on with him We will walk forward at once«
Having given this direction and settled with the coachman Mr Pickwick and
his three friends struck into the footpath across the fields and walked briskly
away leaving Mr Weller and the fat boy confronted together for the first time
Sam looked at the fat boy with great astonishment but without saying a word
and began to stow the luggage rapidly away in the cart while the fat boy stood
quietly by and seemed to think it a very interesting sort of thing to see Mr
Weller working by himself
»There« said Sam throwing in the last carpetbag »There they are«
»Yes« said the fat boy in a very satisfied tone »there they are«
»Vell young twenty stun« said Sam »youre a nice specimen of a prize boy
you are«
»Thankee« said the fat boy
»You aint got nothin on your mind as makes you fret yourself have you«
inquired Sam
»Not as I knows on« replied the fat boy
»I should rayther ha thought to look at you that you was a labourin
under an unrequited attachment to some young ooman« said Sam
The fat boy shook his head
»Vell« said Sam »Im glad to hear it Do you ever drink anythin«
»I likes eating better« replied the boy
»Ah« said Sam »I should ha sposed that but what I mean is should you
like a drop of anythin as d warm you but I spose you never was cold with
all them elastic fixtures was you«
»Sometimes« replied the boy »and I likes a drop of something when its
good«
»Oh you do do you« said Sam »come this way then«
The Blue Lion tap was soon gained and the fat boy swallowed a glass of
liquor without so much as winking a feat which considerably advanced him in Mr
Wellers good opinion Mr Weller having transacted a similar piece of business
on his own account they got into the cart
»Can you drive« said the fat boy
»I should rayther think so« replied Sam
»There then« said the fat boy putting the reins in his hand and pointing
up a lane »its as straight as you can go you cant miss it«
With these words the fat boy laid himself affectionately down by the side
of the codfish and placing an oysterbarrel under his head for a pillow fell
asleep instantaneously
»Well« said Sam »of all the cool boys ever I set my eyes on this here
young genlmn is the coolest Come wake up young dropsy«
But as young dropsy evinced no symptoms of returning animation Sam Weller
sat himself down in front of the cart and starting the old horse with a jerk of
the rein jogged steadily on towards Manor Farm
Meanwhile Mr Pickwick and his friends having walked their blood into
active circulation proceeded cheerfully on The paths were hard the grass was
crisp and frosty the air had a fine dry bracing coldness and the rapid
approach of the grey twilight slatecoloured is a better term in frosty
weather made them look forward with pleasant anticipation to the comforts which
awaited them at their hospitable entertainers It was the sort of afternoon
that might induce a couple of elderly gentlemen in a lonely field to take off
their greatcoats and play at leapfrog in pure lightness of heart and gaiety
and we firmly believe that had Mr Tupman at that moment proffered a back Mr
Pickwick would have accepted his offer with the utmost avidity
However Mr Tupman did not volunteer any such accommodation and the
friends walked on conversing merrily As they turned into a lane they had to
cross the sound of many voices burst upon their ears and before they had even
had time to form a guess to whom they belonged they walked into the very centre
of the party who were expecting their arrival a fact which was first notified
to the Pickwickians by the loud »Hurrah« which burst from old Wardles lips
when they appeared in sight
First there was Wardle himself looking if possible more jolly than ever
then there were Bella and her faithful Trundle and lastly there were Emily
and some eight or ten young ladies who had all come down to the wedding which
was to take place next day and who were in as happy and important a state as
young ladies usually are on such momentous occasions and they were one and
all startling the fields and lanes far and wide with their frolic and
laughter
The ceremony of introduction under such circumstances was very soon
performed or we should rather say that the introduction was soon over without
any ceremony at all In two minutes thereafter Mr Pickwick was joking with the
young ladies who wouldnt come over the stile while he looked or who having
pretty feet and unexceptionable ankles preferred standing on the toprail for
five minutes or so declaring that they were too frightened to move with as
much ease and absence of reserve or constraint as if he had known them for
life It is worthy of remark too that Mr Snodgrass offered Emily far more
assistance than the absolute terrors of the stile although it was full three
feet high and had only a couple of steppingstones would seem to require
while one blackeyed young lady in a very nice little pair of boots with fur
round the top was observed to scream very loudly when Mr Winkle offered to
help her over
All this was very snug and pleasant And when the difficulties of the stile
were at last surmounted and they once more entered on the open field old
Wardle informed Mr Pickwick how they had all been down in a body to inspect the
furniture and fittingsup of the house which the young couple were to tenant
after the Christmas holidays at which communication Bella and Trundle both
coloured up as red as the fat boy after the taproom fire and the young lady
with the black eyes and the fur round the boots whispered something in Emilys
ear and then glanced archly at Mr Snodgrass to which Emily responded that she
was a foolish girl but turned very red notwithstanding and Mr Snodgrass who
was as modest as all great geniuses usually are felt the crimson rising to the
crown of his head and devoutly wished in the inmost recesses of his own heart
that the young lady aforesaid with her black eyes and her archness and her
boots with the fur round the top were all comfortably deposited in the adjacent
county
But if they were social and happy outside the house what was the warmth and
cordiality of their reception when they reached the farm The very servants
grinned with pleasure at sight of Mr Pickwick and Emma bestowed a halfdemure
halfimpudent and all pretty look of recognition on Mr Tupman which was
enough to make the statue of Bonaparte in the passage unfold his arms and
clasp her within them
The old lady was seated in customary state in the front parlour but she was
rather cross and by consequence most particularly deaf She never went out
herself and like a great many other old ladies of the same stamp she was apt
to consider it an act of domestic treason if anybody else took the liberty of
doing what she couldnt So bless her old soul she sat as upright as she
could in her great chair and looked as fierce as might be and that was
benevolent after all
»Mother« said Wardle »Mr Pickwick You recollect him«
»Never mind« replied the old lady with great dignity
»Dont trouble Mr Pickwick about an old creetur like me Nobody cares about
me now and its very natral they shouldnt« Here the old lady tossed her
head and smoothed down her lavendercoloured silk dress with trembling hands
»Come come maam« said Mr Pickwick »I cant let you cut an old friend
in this way I have come down expressly to have a long talk and another rubber
with you and well show these boys and girls how to dance a minuet before
theyre eightandforty hours older«
The old lady was rapidly giving way but she did not like to do it all at
once so she only said »Ah I cant hear him«
»Nonsense mother« said Wardle »Come come dont be cross theres a good
soul Recollect Bella come you must keep her spirits up poor girl«
The good old lady heard this for her lip quivered as her son said it But
age has its little infirmities of temper and she was not quite brought round
yet So she smoothed down the lavendercoloured dress again and turning to Mr
Pickwick said »Ah Mr Pickwick young people was very different when I was a
girl«
»No doubt of that maam« said Mr Pickwick »and thats the reason why I
would make much of the few that have any traces of the old stock« and saying
this Mr Pickwick gently pulled Bella towards him and bestowing a kiss upon
her forehead bade her sit down on the little stool at her grandmothers feet
Whether the expression of her countenance as it was raised towards the old
ladys face called up a thought of old times or whether the old lady was
touched by Mr Pickwicks affectionate good nature or whatever was the cause
she was fairly melted so she threw herself on her granddaughters neck and
all the little illhumour evaporated in a gush of silent tears
A happy party they were that night Sedate and solemn were the score of
rubbers in which Mr Pickwick and the old lady played together uproarious was
the mirth of the round table Long after the ladies had retired did the hot
elder wine well qualified with brandy and spice go round and round and round
again and sound was the sleep and pleasant were the dreams that followed It is
a remarkable fact that those of Mr Snodgrass bore constant reference to Emily
Wardle and that the principal figure in Mr Winkles visions was a young lady
with black eyes an arch smile and a pair of remarkably nice boots with fur
round the tops
Mr Pickwick was awakened early in the morning by a hum of voices and a
pattering of feet sufficient to rouse even the fat boy from his heavy slumbers
He sat up in bed and listened The female servants and female visitors were
running constantly to and fro and there were such multitudinous demands for hot
water such repeated outcries for needles and thread and so many
halfsuppressed entreaties of »Oh do come and tie me theres a dear« that Mr
Pickwick in his innocence began to imagine that something dreadful must have
occurred when he grew more awake and remembered the wedding The occasion
being an important one he dressed himself with peculiar care and descended to
the breakfast room
There were all the female servants in a bran new uniform of pink muslin
gowns with white bows in their caps running about the house in a state of
excitement and agitation which it would be impossible to describe The old lady
was dressed out in a brocaded gown which had not seen the light for twenty
years saving and excepting such truant rays as had stolen through the chinks in
the box in which it had been lain by during the whole time Mr Trundle was in
high feather and spirits but a little nervous withal The hearty old landlord
was trying to look very cheerful and unconcerned but failing signally in the
attempt All the girls were in tears and white muslin except a select two or
three who were being honoured with a private view of the bride and bridesmaids
up stairs All the Pickwickians were in most blooming array and there was a
terrific roaring on the grass in front of the house occasioned by all the men
boys and hobbledehoys attached to the farm each of whom had got a white bow in
his buttonhole and all of whom were cheering with might and main being
incited thereunto and stimulated therein by the precept and example of Mr
Samuel Weller who had managed to become mighty popular already and was as much
at home as if he had been born on the land
A wedding is a licensed subject to joke upon but there really is no great
joke in the matter after all we speak merely of the ceremony and beg it to
be distinctly understood that we indulge in no hidden sarcasm upon a married
life Mixed up with the pleasure and joy of the occasion are the many regrets
at quitting home the tears of parting between parent and child the
consciousness of leaving the dearest and kindest friends of the happiest portion
of human life to encounter its cares and troubles with others still untried and
little known natural feelings which we would not render this chapter mournful
by describing and which we should be still more unwilling to be supposed to
ridicule
Let us briefly say then that the ceremony was performed by the old
clergyman in the parish church of Dingley Dell and that Mr Pickwicks name is
attached to the register still preserved in the vestry thereof that the young
lady with the black eyes signed her name in a very unsteady and tremulous
manner that Emilys signature as the other bridesmaid is nearly illegible
that it all went off in very admirable style that the young ladies generally
thought it far less shocking than they had expected and that although the owner
of the black eyes and the arch smile informed Mr Winkle that she was sure she
could never submit to anything so dreadful we have the very best reasons for
thinking she was mistaken To all this we may add that Mr Pickwick was the
first who saluted the bride and that in so doing he threw over her neck a rich
gold watch and chain which no mortal eyes but the jewellers had ever beheld
before Then the old church bell rang as gaily as it could and they all
returned to breakfast
»Vere does the mince pies go young opium eater« said Mr Weller to the fat
boy as he assisted in laying out such articles of consumption as had not been
duly arranged on the previous night
The fat boy pointed to the destination of the pies
»Wery good« said Sam »stick a bit o Christmas in em Tother dish
opposite There now we look compact and comfortable as the father said ven he
cut his little boys head off to cure him o squintin«
As Mr Weller made the comparison he fell back a step or two to give full
effect to it and surveyed the preparations with the utmost satisfaction
»Wardle« said Mr Pickwick almost as soon as they were all seated »a
glass of wine in honour of this happy occasion«
»I shall be delighted my boy« said Wardle »Joe damn that boy hes gone
to sleep«
»No I aint sir« replied the fat boy starting up from a remote corner
where like the patron saint of fat boys the immortal Horner he had been
devouring a Christmas pie though not with the coolness and deliberation which
characterised that young gentlemans proceedings
»Fill Mr Pickwicks glass«
»Yes sir«
The fat boy filled Mr Pickwicks glass and then retired behind his
masters chair from whence he watched the play of the knives and forks and the
progress of the choice morsels from the dishes to the mouths of the company
with a kind of dark and gloomy joy that was most impressive
»God bless you old fellow« said Mr Pickwick
»Same to you my boy« replied Wardle and they pledged each other
heartily
»Mrs Wardle« said Mr Pickwick »we old folks must have a glass of wine
together in honour of this joyful event«
The old lady was in a state of great grandeur just then for she was sitting
at the top of the table in the brocaded gown with her newlymarried
granddaughter on one side and Mr Pickwick on the other to do the carving Mr
Pickwick had not spoken in a very loud tone but she understood him at once and
drank off a full glass of wine to his long life and happiness after which the
worthy old soul launched forth into a minute and particular account of her own
wedding with a dissertation on the fashion of wearing highheeled shoes and
some particulars concerning the life and adventures of the beautiful Lady
Tollimglower deceased at all of which the old lady herself laughed very
heartily indeed and so did the young ladies too for they were wondering among
themselves what on earth grandma was talking about When they laughed the old
lady laughed ten times more heartily and said that these always had been
considered capital stories which caused them all to laugh again and put the
old lady into the very best of humours Then the cake was cut and passed
through the ring the young ladies saved pieces to put under their pillows to
dream of their future husbands on and a great deal of blushing and merriment
was thereby occasioned
»Mr Miller« said Mr Pickwick to his old acquaintance the hardheaded
gentleman »a glass of wine«
»With great satisfaction Mr Pickwick« replied the hardheaded gentleman
solemnly
»Youll take me in« said the benevolent old clergyman
»And me« interposed his wife
»And me and me« said a couple of poor relations at the bottom of the
table who had eaten and drank very heartily and laughed at everything
Mr Pickwick expressed his heartfelt delight at every additional suggestion
and his eyes beamed with hilarity and cheerfulness
»Ladies and gentlemen« said Mr Pickwick suddenly rising
»Hear hear Hear hear Hear hear« cried Mr Weller in the excitement of
his feelings
»Call in all the servants« cried old Wardle interposing to prevent the
public rebuke which Mr Weller would otherwise most indubitably have received
from his master »Give them a glass of wine each to drink the toast in Now
Pickwick«
Amidst the silence of the company the whispering of the women servants and
the awkward embarrassment of the men Mr Pickwick proceeded
»Ladies and gentlemen no I wont say ladies and gentlemen Ill call you
my friends my dear friends if the ladies will allow me to take so great a
liberty«
Here Mr Pickwick was interrupted by immense applause from the ladies
echoed by the gentlemen during which the owner of the eyes was distinctly heard
to state that she could kiss that dear Mr Pickwick Whereupon Mr Winkle
gallantly inquired if it couldnt be done by deputy to which the young lady
with the black eyes replied »Go away« and accompanied the request with a look
which said as plainly as a look could do »if you can«
»My dear friends« resumed Mr Pickwick »I am going to propose the health
of the bride and bridegroom God bless em cheers and tears My young friend
Trundle I believe to be a very excellent and manly fellow and his wife I know
to be a very amiable and lovely girl well qualified to transfer to another
sphere of action the happiness which for twenty years she has diffused around
her in her fathers house Here the fat boy burst forth into stentorian
blubberings and was led forth by the coat collar by Mr Weller I wish«
added Mr Pickwick »I wish I was young enough to be her sisters husband
cheers but failing that I am happy to be old enough to be her father for
being so I shall not be suspected of any latent designs when I say that I
admire esteem and love them both cheers and sobs The brides father our
good friend there is a noble person and I am proud to know him great uproar
He is a kind excellent independentspirited finehearted hospitable liberal
man enthusiastic shouts from the poor relations at all the adjectives and
especially at the two last That his daughter may enjoy all the happiness even
he can desire and that he may derive from the contemplation of her felicity all
the gratification of heart and peace of mind which he so well deserves is I am
persuaded our united wish So let us drink their healths and wish them
prolonged life and every blessing«
Mr Pickwick concluded amidst a whirlwind of applause and once more were
the lungs of the supernumeraries under Mr Wellers command brought into
active and efficient operation Mr Wardle proposed Mr Pickwick Mr Pickwick
proposed the old lady Mr Snodgrass proposed Mr Wardle Mr Wardle proposed
Mr Snodgrass One of the poor relations proposed Mr Tupman and the other poor
relation proposed Mr Winkle all was happiness and festivity until the
mysterious disappearance of both the poor relations beneath the table warned
the party that it was time to adjourn
At dinner they met again after a fiveandtwenty mile walk undertaken by
the males at Wardles recommendation to get rid of the effects of the wine at
breakfast The poor relations had kept in bed all day with the view of
attaining the same happy consummation but as they had been unsuccessful they
stopped there Mr Weller kept the domestics in a state of perpetual hilarity
and the fat boy divided his time into small alternate allotments of eating and
sleeping
The dinner was as hearty an affair as the breakfast and was quite as noisy
without the tears Then came the dessert and some more toasts Then came the tea
and coffee and then the ball
The best sitting room at Manor Farm was a good long darkpanelled room
with a high chimneypiece and a capacious chimney up which you could have
driven one of the new patent cabs wheels and all At the upper end of the room
seated in a shady bower of holly and evergreens were the two best fiddlers and
the only harp in all Muggleton In all sorts of recesses and on all kinds of
brackets stood massive old silver candlesticks with four branches each The
carpet was up the candles burnt bright the fire blazed and crackled on the
hearth and merry voices and lighthearted laughter rang through the room If
any of the old English yeomen had turned into fairies when they died it was
just the place in which they would have held their revels
If anything could have added to the interest of this agreeable scene it
would have been the remarkable fact of Mr Pickwicks appearing without his
gaiters for the first time within the memory of his oldest friends
»You mean to dance« said Wardle
»Of course I do« replied Mr Pickwick »Dont you see I am dressed for the
purpose« Mr Pickwick called attention to his speckled silk stockings and
smartly tied pumps
»You in silk stockings« exclaimed Mr Tupman jocosely
»And why not sir why not« said Mr Pickwick turning warmly upon him
»Oh of course there is no reason why you shouldnt wear them« responded
Mr Tupman
»I imagine not sir I imagine not« said Mr Pickwick in a very peremptory
tone
Mr Tupman had contemplated a laugh but he found it was a serious matter
so he looked grave and said they were a pretty pattern
»I hope they are« said Mr Pickwick fixing his eyes upon his friend »You
see nothing extraordinary in the stockings as stockings I trust sir«
»Certainly not Oh certainly not« replied Mr Tupman He walked away and
Mr Pickwicks countenance resumed its customary benign expression
»We are all ready I believe« said Mr Pickwick who was stationed with the
old lady at the top of the dance and had already made four false starts in his
excessive anxiety to commence
»Then begin at once« said Wardle »Now«
Up struck the two fiddles and the one harp and off went Mr Pickwick into
hands across when there was a general clapping of hands and a cry of »Stop
stop«
»Whats the matter« said Mr Pickwick who was only brought to by the
fiddles and harp desisting and could have been stopped by no other earthly
power if the house had been on fire
»Wheres Arabella Allen« cried a dozen voices
»And Winkle« added Mr Tupman
»Here we are« exclaimed that gentleman emerging with his pretty companion
from the corner as he did so it would have been hard to tell which was the
redder in the face he or the young lady with the black eyes
»What an extraordinary thing it is Winkle« said Mr Pickwick rather
pettishly »that you couldnt have taken your place before«
»Not at all extraordinary« said Mr Winkle
»Well« said Mr Pickwick with a very expressive smile as his eyes rested
on Arabella »well I dont know that it was extraordinary either after all«
However there was no time to think more about the matter for the fiddles
and harp began in real earnest Away went Mr Pickwick hands across down the
middle to the very end of the room and halfway up the chimney back again to
the door poussette everywhere loud stamp on the ground ready for the next
couple off again all the figure over once more another stamp to beat out
the time next couple and the next and the next again never was such going
At last after they had reached the bottom of the dance and full fourteen
couple after the old lady had retired in an exhausted state and the clergymans
wife had been substituted in her stead did that gentleman when there was no
demand whatever on his exertions keep perpetually dancing in his place to keep
time to the music smiling on his partner all the while with a blandness of
demeanour which baffles all description
Long before Mr Pickwick was weary of dancing the newlymarried couple had
retired from the scene There was a glorious supper downstairs
notwithstanding and a good long sitting after it and when Mr Pickwick awoke
late the next morning he had a confused recollection of having severally and
confidentially invited somewhere about fiveandforty people to dine with him
at the George and Vulture the very first time they came to London which Mr
Pickwick rightly considered a pretty certain indication of his having taken
something besides exercise on the previous night
»And so your family has games in the kitchen tonight my dear has they«
inquired Sam of Emma
»Yes Mr Weller« replied Emma »we always have on Christmas eve Master
wouldnt neglect to keep it up on any account«
»Your masters a wery pretty notion of keepin anythin up my dear« said
Mr Weller »I never see such a sensible sort of man as he is or such a reglar
genlmn«
»Oh that he is« said the fat boy joining in the conversation »dont he
breed nice pork« The fat youth gave a semicannibalic leer at Mr Weller as he
thought of the roast legs and gravy
»Oh youve woke up at last have you« said Sam
The fat boy nodded
»Ill tell you what it is young boa constructer« said Mr Weller
impressively »if you dont sleep a little less and exercise a little more wen
you comes to be a man youll lay yourself open to the same sort of personal
inconwenience as was inflicted on the old genlmn as wore the pigtail«
»What did they do to him« inquired the fat boy in a faltering voice
»Im agoin to tell you« replied Mr Weller »he was one o the largest
patterns as was ever turned out reglar fat man as hadnt caught a glimpse of
his own shoes for fiveandfortyyear«
»Lor« exclaimed Emma
»No that he hadnt my dear« said Mr Weller »and if youd put an exact
model of his own legs on the dinin table afore him he wouldnt ha known em
Well he always walks to his office with a wery handsome gold watchchain
hanging out about a foot and a quarter and a gold watch in his fob pocket as
was worth Im afraid to say how much but as much as a watch can be a large
heavy round manafacter as stout for a watch as he was for a man and with a
big face in proportion Youd better not carry that ere watch says the old
genlmns friends youll be robbed on it says they Shall I says he Yes
you will says they Vell says he I should like to see the thief as could get
this here watch out for Im blest if I ever can its such a tight fit says
he and venever I wants to know whats oclock Im obliged to stare into the
bakers shops he says Well then he laughs as hearty as if he was a goin to
pieces and out he walks agin with his powdered head and pigtail and rolls
down the Strand vith the chain hangin out furder than ever and the great round
watch almost bustin through his grey kersey smalls There warnt a pickpocket
in all London as didnt take a pull at that chain but the chain ud never
break and the watch ud never come out so they soon got tired o dragging such
a heavy old genlmn along the pavement and hed go home and laugh till the
pigtail wibrated like the penderlum of a Dutch clock At last one day the old
genlmn was a rollin along and he sees a pickpocket as he knowd by sight
acomin up arm in arm vith a little boy vith a wery large head Heres a game
says the old genlmn to himself theyre agoin to have another try but it
wont do So he begins achucklin wery hearty wen all of a sudden the little
boy leaves hold of the pickpockets arm and rushes headforemost straight into
the old genlmns stomach and for a moment doubles him right up vith the
pain Murder says the old genlmn All right sir says the pickpocket a
wisperin in his ear And wen he come straight agin the watch and chain was
gone and whats worse than that the old genlmns digestion was all wrong
ever artervards to the wery last day of his life so just you look about you
young feller and take care you dont get too fat«
As Mr Weller concluded this moral tale with which the fat boy appeared
much affected they all three repaired to the large kitchen in which the family
were by this time assembled according to annual custom on Christmas eve
observed by old Wardles forefathers from time immemorial
From the centre of the ceiling of this kitchen old Wardle had just
suspended with his own hands a huge branch of mistletoe and this same branch
of mistletoe instantaneously gave rise to a scene of general and delightful
struggling and confusion in the midst of which Mr Pickwick with a gallantry
that would have done honour to a descendant of Lady Tollimglower herself took
the old lady by the hand led her beneath the mystic branch and saluted her in
all courtesy and decorum The old lady submitted to this piece of practical
politeness with all the dignity which befitted so important and serious a
solemnity but the younger ladies not being so thoroughly imbued with a
superstitious veneration for the custom or imagining that the value of a salute
is very much enhanced if it cost a little trouble to obtain it screamed and
struggled and ran into corners and threatened and remonstrated and did
everything but leave the room until some of the less adventurous gentlemen were
on the point of desisting when they all at once found it useless to resist any
longer and submitted to be kissed with a good grace Mr Winkle kissed the
young lady with the black eyes and Mr Snodgrass kissed Emily and Mr Weller
not being particular about the form of being under the mistletoe kissed Emma
and the other female servants just as he caught them As to the poor relations
they kissed everybody not even excepting the plainer portions of the younglady
visitors who in their excessive confusion ran right under the mistletoe as
soon as it was hung up without knowing it Wardle stood with his back to the
fire surveying the whole scene with the utmost satisfaction and the fat boy
took the opportunity of appropriating to his own use and summarily devouring a
particularly fine mincepie that had been carefully put by for somebody else
Now the screaming had subsided and faces were in a glow and curls in a
tangle and Mr Pickwick after kissing the old lady as before mentioned was
standing under the mistletoe looking with a very pleased countenance on all
that was passing around him when the young lady with the black eyes after a
little whispering with the other young ladies made a sudden dart forward and
putting her arm round Mr Pickwicks neck saluted him affectionately on the
left cheek and before Mr Pickwick distinctly knew what was the matter he was
surrounded by the whole body and kissed by every one of them
It was a pleasant thing to see Mr Pickwick in the centre of the group now
pulled this way and then that and first kissed on the chin and then on the
nose and then on the spectacles and to hear the peals of laughter which were
raised on every side but it was a still more pleasant thing to see Mr
Pickwick blinded shortly afterwards with a silk handkerchief falling up
against the wall and scrambling into corners and going through all the
mysteries of blindmans buff with the utmost relish for the game until at
last he caught one of the poor relations and then had to evade the blindman
himself which he did with a nimbleness and agility that elicited the admiration
and applause of all beholders The poor relations caught the people who they
thought would like it and when the game flagged got caught themselves When
they were all tired of blindmans buff there was a great game at snapdragon
and when fingers enough were burned with that and all the raisins were gone
they sat down by the huge fire of blazing logs to a substantial supper and a
mighty bowl of wassail something smaller than an ordinary washhouse copper in
which the hot apples were hissing and bubbling with a rich look and a jolly
sound that were perfectly irresistible
»This« said Mr Pickwick looking round him »this is indeed comfort«
»Our invariable custom« replied Mr Wardle »Everybody sits down with us on
Christmas eve as you see them now servants and all and here we wait until
the clock strikes twelve to usher Christmas in and beguile the time with
forfeits and old stories Trundle my boy rake up the fire«
Up flew the bright sparks in myriads as the logs were stirred The deep red
blaze sent forth a rich glow that penetrated into the furthest corner of the
room and cast its cheerful tint on every face
»Come« said Wardle »a song a Christmas song Ill give you one in
default of a better«
»Bravo« said Mr Pickwick
»Fill up« cried Wardle »It will be two hours good before you see the
bottom of the bowl through the deep rich colour of the wassail fill up all
round and now for the song«
Thus saying the merry old gentleman in a good round sturdy voice
commenced without more ado
A Christmas Carol
I care not for Spring on his fickle wing
Let the blossoms and buds be borne
He woos them amain with his treacherous rain
And he scatters them ere the morn
An inconstant elf he knows not himself
Nor his own changing mind an hour
Hell smile in your face and with wry grimace
Hell wither your youngest flower
Let the Summer sun to his bright home run
He shall never be sought by me
When hes dimmed by a cloud I can laugh aloud
And care not how sulky he be
For his darling child is the madness wild
That sports in fierce fevers train
And when love is too strong it dont last long
As many have found to their pain
A mild harvest night by the tranquil light
Of the modest and gentle moon
Has a far sweeter sheen for me I ween
Than the broad and unblushing noon
But every leaf awakens my grief
As it lieth beneath the tree
So let Autumn air be never so fair
It by no means agrees with me
But my song I troll out for CHRISTMAS stout
The hearty the true and the bold
A bumper I drain and with might and main
Give three cheers for this Christmas old
Well usher him in with a merry din
That shall gladden his joyous heart
And well keep him up while theres bite or sup
And in fellowship good well part
In his fine honest pride he scorns to hide
One jot of his hardweather scars
Theyre no disgrace for theres much the same trace
On the cheeks of our bravest tars
Then again I sing till the roof doth ring
And it echoes from wall to wall
To the stout old wight fair welcome tonight
As the King of the Seasons all
This song was tumultuously applauded for friends and dependents make a capital
audience and the poor relations especially were in perfect ecstasies of
rapture Again was the fire replenished and again went the wassail round
»How it snows« said one of the men in a low tone
»Snows does it« said Wardle
»Rough cold night sir« replied the man »and theres a wind got up that
drifts it across the fields in a thick white cloud«
»What does Jem say« inquired the old lady »There aint anything the
matter is there«
»No no mother« replied Wardle »he says theres a snowdrift and a wind
thats piercing cold I should know that by the way it rumbles in the chimney«
»Ah« said the old lady »there was just such a wind and just such a fall
of snow a good many years back I recollect just five years before your poor
father died It was a Christmas eve too and I remember that on that very night
he told us the story about the goblins that carried away old Gabriel Grub«
»The story about what« said Mr Pickwick
»Oh nothing nothing« replied Wardle »About an old sexton that the good
people down here suppose to have been carried away by goblins«
»Suppose« ejaculated the old lady »Is there any body hardy enough to
disbelieve it Suppose Havent you heard ever since you were a child that he
was carried away by the goblins and dont you know he was«
»Very well mother he was if you like« said Wardle laughing »He was
carried away by goblins Pickwick and theres an end of the matter«
»No no« said Mr Pickwick »not an end of it I assure you for I must
hear how and why and all about it«
Wardle smiled as every head was bent forward to hear and filling out the
wassail with no stinted hand nodded a health to Mr Pickwick and began as
follows
But bless our editorial heart what a long chapter we have been betrayed
into We had quite forgotten all such petty restrictions as chapters we
solemnly declare So here goes to give the goblin a fair start in a new one A
clear stage and no favour for the goblins ladies and gentlemen if you please
Chapter XXIX
The Story of the Goblins Who Stole a Sexton
»In an old abbey town down in this part of the country a long long while ago
so long that the story must be a true one because our great grandfathers
implicitly believed it there officiated as sexton and gravedigger in the
churchyard one Gabriel Grub It by no means follows that because a man is a
sexton and constantly surrounded by the emblems of mortality therefore he
should be a morose and melancholy man your undertakers are the merriest fellows
in the world and I once had the honour of being on intimate terms with a mute
who in private life and off duty was as comical and jocose a little fellow as
ever chirped out a devilmaycare song without a hitch in his memory or
drained off the contents of a good stiff glass without stopping for breath But
notwithstanding these precedents to the contrary Gabriel Grub was an
illconditioned crossgrained surly fellow a morose and lonely man who
consorted with nobody but himself and an old wicker bottle which fitted into
his large deep waistcoat pocket and who eyed each merry face as it passed him
by with such a deep scowl of malice and illhumour as it was difficult to
meet without feeling something the worse for
A little before twilight one Christmas Eve Gabriel shouldered his spade
lighted his lantern and betook himself towards the old churchyard for he had
got a grave to finish by next morning and feeling very low he thought it
might raise his spirits perhaps if he went on with his work at once As he
went his way up the ancient street he saw the cheerful light of the blazing
fires gleam through the old casements and heard the loud laugh and the cheerful
shouts of those who were assembled around them he marked the bustling
preparations for next days cheer and smelt the numerous savoury odours
consequent thereupon as they steamed up from the kitchen windows in clouds All
this was gall and wormwood to the heart of Gabriel Grub and when groups of
children bounded out of the houses tripped across the road and were met
before they could knock at the opposite door by half a dozen curlyheaded
little rascals who crowded round them as they flocked upstairs to spend the
evening in their Christmas games Gabriel smiled grimly and clutched the handle
of his spade with a firmer grasp as he thought of measles scarletfever
thrush hoopingcough and a good many other sources of consolation besides
In this happy frame of mind Gabriel strode along returning a short sullen
growl to the goodhumoured greetings of such of his neighbours as now and then
passed him until he turned into the dark lane which led to the churchyard Now
Gabriel had been looking forward to reaching the dark lane because it was
generally speaking a nice gloomy mournful place into which the townspeople
did not much care to go except in broad daylight and when the sun was
shining consequently he was not a little indignant to hear a young urchin
roaring out some jolly song about a merry Christmas in this very sanctuary
which had been called Coffin Lane ever since the days of the old abbey and the
time of the shavenheaded monks As Gabriel walked on and the voice drew
nearer he found it proceeded from a small boy who was hurrying along to join
one of the little parties in the old street and who partly to keep himself
company and partly to prepare himself for the occasion was shouting out the
song at the highest pitch of his lungs So Gabriel waited until the boy came up
and then dodged him into a corner and rapped him over the head with his lantern
five or six times to teach him to modulate his voice And as the boy hurried
away with his hand to his head singing quite a different sort of tune Gabriel
Grub chuckled very heartily to himself and entered the churchyard locking the
gate behind him
He took off his coat put down his lantern and getting into the unfinished
grave worked at it for an hour or so with right good will But the earth was
hardened with the frost and it was no very easy matter to break it up and
shovel it out and although there was a moon it was a very young one and shed
little light upon the grave which was in the shadow of the church At any other
time these obstacles would have made Gabriel Grub very moody and miserable but
he was so well pleased with having stopped the small boys singing that he took
little heed of the scanty progress he had made and looked down into the grave
when he had finished work for the night with grim satisfaction murmuring as he
gathered up his things
Brave lodgings for one brave lodgings for one
A few feet of cold earth when life is done
A stone at the head a stone at the feet
A rich juicy meal for the worms to eat
Rank grass over head and damp clay around
Brave lodgings for one these in holy ground
Ho ho laughed Gabriel Grub as he sat himself down on a flat tombstone which
was a favourite restingplace of his and drew forth his wicker bottle A coffin
at Christmas A Christmas Box Ho ho ho
Ho ho ho repeated a voice which sounded close behind him
Gabriel paused in some alarm in the act of raising the wicker bottle to
his lips and looked round The bottom of the oldest grave about him was not
more still and quiet than the churchyard in the pale moonlight The cold
hoarfrost glistened on the tombstones and sparkled like rows of gems among the
stone carvings of the old church The snow lay hard and crisp upon the ground
and spread over the thicklystrewn mounds of earth so white and smooth a cover
that it seemed as if corpses lay there hidden only by their winding sheets Not
the faintest rustle broke the profound tranquillity of the solemn scene Sound
itself appeared to be frozen up all was so cold and still
It was the echoes said Gabriel Grub raising the bottle to his lips again
It was not said a deep voice
Gabriel started up and stood rooted to the spot with astonishment and
terror for his eyes rested on a form that made his blood run cold
Seated on an upright tombstone close to him was a strange unearthly
figure whom Gabriel felt at once was no being of this world His long
fantastic legs which might have reached the ground were cocked up and crossed
after a quaint fantastic fashion his sinewy arms were bare and his hands
rested on his knees On his short round body he wore a close covering
ornamented with small slashes a short cloak dangled at his back the collar was
cut into curious peaks which served the goblin in lieu of ruff or neckerchief
and his shoes curled up at his toes into long points On his head he wore a
broadbrimmed sugarloaf hat garnished with a single feather The hat was
covered with the white frost and the goblin looked as if he had sat on the same
tombstone very comfortably for two or three hundred years He was sitting
perfectly still his tongue was put out as if in derision and he was grinning
at Gabriel Grub with such a grin as only a goblin could call up
It was not the echoes said the goblin
Gabriel Grub was paralysed and could make no reply
What do you do here on Christmas Eve said the goblin sternly
I came to dig a grave sir stammered Gabriel Grub
What man wanders among graves and churchyards on such a night as this cried
the goblin
Gabriel Grub Gabriel Grub screamed a wild chorus of voices that seemed to
fill the churchyard Gabriel looked fearfully round nothing was to be seen
What have you got in that bottle said the goblin
Hollands sir replied the sexton trembling more than ever for he had
bought it of the smugglers and he thought that perhaps his questioner might be
in the excise department of the goblins
Who drinks Hollands alone and in a churchyard on such a night as this
said the goblin
Gabriel Grub Gabriel Grub exclaimed the wild voices again
The goblin leered maliciously at the terrified sexton and then raising his
voice exclaimed
And who then is our fair and lawful prize
To this inquiry the invisible chorus replied in a strain that sounded like
the voices of many choristers singing to the mighty swell of the old church
organ a strain that seemed borne to the sextons ears upon a wild wind and to
die away as it passed onward but the burden of the reply was still the same
Gabriel Grub Gabriel Grub
The goblin grinned a broader grin than before as he said Well Gabriel
what do you say to this
The sexton gasped for breath
What do you think of this Gabriel said the goblin kicking up his feet in
the air on either side of the tombstone and looking at the turnedup points
with as much complacency as if he had been contemplating the most fashionable
pair of Wellingtons in all Bond Street
Its its very curious sir replied the sexton half dead with fright
very curious and very pretty but I think Ill go back and finish my work sir
if you please
Work said the goblin what work
The grave sir making the grave stammered the sexton
Oh the grave eh said the goblin who makes graves at a time when all
other men are merry and takes a pleasure in it
Again the mysterious voices replied Gabriel Grub Gabriel Grub
Im afraid my friends want you Gabriel said the goblin thrusting his
tongue further into his cheek than ever and a most astonishing tongue it was
Im afraid my friends want you Gabriel said the goblin
Under favour sir replied the horrorstricken sexton I dont think they
can sir they dont know me sir I dont think the gentlemen have ever seen
me sir
Oh yes they have replied the goblin we know the man with the sulky face
and grim scowl that came down the street tonight throwing his evil looks at
the children and grasping his burying spade the tighter We know the man who
struck the boy in the envious malice of his heart because the boy could be
merry and he could not We know him we know him
Here the goblin gave a loud shrill laugh which the echoes returned
twentyfold and throwing his legs up in the air stood upon his head or rather
upon the very point of his sugarloaf hat on the narrow edge of the tombstone
whence he threw a somerset with extraordinary agility right to the sextons
feet at which he planted himself in the attitude in which tailors generally sit
upon the shopboard
I I am afraid I must leave you sir said the sexton making an effort
to move
Leave us said the goblin Gabriel Grub going to leave us Ho ho ho
As the goblin laughed the sexton observed for one instant a brilliant
illumination within the windows of the church as if the whole building were
lighted up it disappeared the organ pealed forth a lively air and whole
troops of goblins the very counterpart of the first one poured into the
churchyard and began playing at leapfrog with the tombstones never stopping
for an instant to take breath but overing the highest among them one after the
other with the utmost marvellous dexterity The first goblin was a most
astonishing leaper and none of the others could come near him even in the
extremity of his terror the sexton could not help observing that while his
friends were content to leap over the commonsized gravestones the first one
took the family vaults iron railings and all with as much ease as if they had
been so many street posts
At last the game reached to a most exciting pitch the organ played quicker
and quicker and the goblins leaped faster and faster coiling themselves up
rolling head over heels upon the ground and bounding over the tombstones like
footballs The sextons brain whirled round with the rapidity of the motion he
beheld and his legs reeled beneath him as the spirits flew before his eyes
when the goblin king suddenly darting towards him laid his hand upon his
collar and sank with him through the earth
When Gabriel Grub had had time to fetch his breath which the rapidity of
his descent had for the moment taken away he found himself in what appeared to
be a large cavern surrounded on all sides by crowds of goblins ugly and grim
in the centre of the room on an elevated seat was stationed his friend of the
churchyard and close beside him stood Gabriel Grub himself without power of
motion.
Cold tonight said the king of the goblins very cold A glass of something
warm here
At this command half a dozen officious goblins with a perpetual smile upon
their faces whom Gabriel Grub imagined to be courtiers on that account
hastily disappeared and presently returned with a goblet of liquid fire which
they presented to the king
Ah cried the goblin whose cheeks and throat were transparent as he tossed
down the flame This warms one indeed Bring a bumper of the same for Mr
Grub
It was in vain for the unfortunate sexton to protest that he was not in the
habit of taking anything warm at night one of the goblins held him while
another poured the blazing liquid down his throat the whole assembly screeched
with laughter as he coughed and choked and wiped away the tears which gushed
plentifully from his eyes after swallowing the burning draught
And now said the king fantastically poking the taper corner of his
sugarloaf hat into the sextons eye and thereby occasioning him the most
exquisite pain And now show the man of misery and gloom a few of the pictures
from our own great storehouse
As the goblin said this a thick cloud I which obscured the remoter end of
the cavern rolled gradually away and disclosed apparently at a great
distance a small and scantily furnished but neat and clean apartment A crowd
of little children were gathered round a bright fire clinging to their mothers
gown and gambolling around her chair The mother occasionally rose and drew
aside the windowcurtain as if to look for some expected object a frugal meal
was ready spread upon the table and an elbow chair was placed near the fire A
knock was heard at the door the mother opened it and the children crowded
round her and clapped their hands for joy as their father entered He was wet
and weary and shook the snow from his garments as the children crowded round
him and seizing his cloak hat stick and gloves with busy zeal ran with
them from the room Then as he sat down to his meal before the fire the
children climbed about his knee and the mother sat by his side and all seemed
happiness and comfort
But a change came upon the view almost imperceptibly The scene was altered
to a small bedroom where the fairest and youngest child lay dying the roses
had fled from his cheek and the light from his eye and even as the sexton
looked upon him with an interest he had never felt or known before he died His
young brothers and sisters crowded round his little bed and seized his tiny
hand so cold and heavy but they shrunk back from its touch and looked with
awe on his infant face for calm and tranquil as it was and sleeping in rest
and peace as the beautiful child seemed to be they saw that he was dead and
they knew that he was an Angel looking down upon and blessing them from a
bright and happy Heaven
Again the light cloud passed across the picture and again the subject
changed The father and mother were old and helpless now and the number of
those about them was diminished more than half but content and cheerfulness sat
on every face and beamed in every eye as they crowded round the fireside and
told and listened to old stories of earlier and bygone days Slowly and
peacefully the father sank into the grave and soon after the sharer of all
his cares and troubles followed him to a place of rest The few who yet
survived them knelt by their tomb and watered the green turf which covered it
with their tears then rose and turned away sadly and mournfully but not with
bitter cries or despairing lamentations for they knew that they should one day
meet again and once more they mixed with the busy world and their content and
cheerfulness were restored The cloud settled upon the picture and concealed it
from the sextons view
What do you think of that said the goblin turning his large face towards
Gabriel Grub
Gabriel murmured out something about its being very pretty and looked
somewhat ashamed as the goblin bent his fiery eyes upon him
You a miserable man said the goblin in a tone of excessive contempt You
He appeared disposed to add more but indignation choked his utterance so he
lifted up one of his very pliable legs and flourishing it above his head a
little to insure his aim administered a good sound kick to Gabriel Grub
immediately after which all the goblins in waiting crowded round the wretched
sexton and kicked him without mercy according to the established and
invariable custom of courtiers upon earth who kick whom royalty kicks and hug
whom royalty hugs
Show him some more said the king of the goblins
At these words the cloud was dispelled and a rich and beautiful landscape
was disclosed to view there is just such another to this day within half a
mile of the old abbey town The sun shone from out the clear blue sky the water
sparkled beneath his rays and the trees looked greener and the flowers more
gay beneath his cheering influence The water rippled on with a pleasant
sound the trees rustled in the light wind that murmured among their leaves the
birds sang upon the boughs and the lark carolled on high her welcome to the
morning Yes it was morning the bright balmy morning of summer the minutest
leaf the smallest blade of grass was instinct with life The ant crept forth
to her daily toil the butterfly fluttered and basked in the warm rays of the
sun myriads of insects spread their transparent wings and revelled in their
brief but happy existence Man walked forth elated with the scene and all was
brightness and splendour
You a miserable man said the king of the goblins in a more contemptuous
tone than before And again the king of the goblins gave his leg a flourish
again it descended on the shoulders of the sexton and again the attendant
goblins imitated the example of their chief
Many a time the cloud went and came and many a lesson it taught to Gabriel
Grub who although his shoulders smarted with pain from the frequent
applications of the goblins feet looked on with an interest that nothing could
diminish He saw that men who worked hard and earned their scanty bread with
lives of labour were cheerful and happy and that to the most ignorant the
sweet face of nature was a neverfailing source of cheerfulness and joy He saw
those who had been delicately nurtured and tenderly brought up cheerful under
privations and superior to suffering that would have crushed many of a rougher
grain because they bore within their own bosoms the materials of happiness
contentment and peace He saw that women the tenderest and most fragile of all
Gods creatures were the oftenest superior to sorrow adversity and distress
and he saw that it was because they bore in their own hearts an inexhaustible
well of affection and devotion Above all he saw that men like himself who
snarled at the mirth and cheerfulness of others were the foulest weeds on the
fair surface of the earth and setting all the good of the world against the
evil he came to the conclusion that it was a very decent and respectable sort
of world after all No sooner had he formed it than the cloud which closed over
the last picture seemed to settle on his senses and lull him to repose One by
one the goblins faded from his sight and as the last one disappeared he sunk
to sleep
The day had broken when Gabriel Grub awoke and found himself lying at full
length on the flat gravestone in the churchyard with the wicker bottle lying
empty by his side and his coat spade and lantern all well whitened by the
last nights frost scattered on the ground The stone on which he had first
seen the goblin seated stood bolt upright before him and the grave at which he
had worked the night before was not far off At first he began to doubt the
reality of his adventures but the acute pain in his shoulders when he attempted
to rise assured him that the kicking of the goblins was certainly not ideal He
was staggered again by observing no traces of footsteps in the snow on which
the goblins had played at leapfrog with the gravestones but he speedily
accounted for this circumstance when he remembered that being spirits they
would leave no visible impression behind them So Gabriel Grub got on his feet
as well as he could for the pain in his back and brushing the frost off his
coat put it on and turned his face towards the town
But he was an altered man and he could not bear the thought of returning to
a place where his repentance would be scoffed at and his reformation
disbelieved He hesitated for a few moments and then turned away to wander
where he might and seek his bread elsewhere
The lantern the spade and the wicker bottle were found that day in the
churchyard There were a great many speculations about the sextons fate at
first but it was speedily determined that he had been carried away by the
goblins and there were not wanting some very credible witnesses who had
distinctly seen him whisked through the air on the back of a chestnut horse
blind of one eye with the hindquarters of a lion and the tail of a bear At
length all this was devoutly believed and the new sexton used to exhibit to the
curious for a trifling emolument a goodsized piece of the church weathercock
which had been accidentally kicked off by the aforesaid horse in his aërial
flight and picked up by himself in the churchyard a year or two afterwards
Unfortunately these stories were somewhat disturbed by the unlookedfor
reappearance of Gabriel Grub himself some ten years afterwards a ragged
contented rheumatic old man He told his story to the clergyman and also to
the mayor and in course of time it began to be received as a matter of
history in which form it has continued down to this very day The believers in
the weathercock tale having misplaced their confidence once were not easily
prevailed upon to part with it again so they looked as wise as they could
shrugged their shoulders touched their foreheads and murmured something about
Gabriel Grub having drunk all the Hollands and then fallen asleep on the flat
tombstone and they affected to explain what he supposed he had witnessed in the
goblins cavern by saying that he had seen the world and grown wiser But this
opinion which was by no means a popular one at any time gradually died off
and be the matter how it may as Gabriel Grub was afflicted with rheumatism to
the end of his days this story has at least one moral if it teach no better
one and that is that if a man turn sulky and drink by himself at Christmas
time he may make up his mind to be not a bit the better for it let the spirits
be never so good or let them be even as many degrees beyond proof as those
which Gabriel Grub saw in the goblins cavern«
Chapter XXX
How the Pickwickians Made and Cultivated the Acquaintance of a Couple of Nice
Young Men Belonging to One of the Liberal Professions How They Disported
Themselves on the Ice and How Their First Visit Came to a Conclusion
»Well Sam« said Mr Pickwick as that favoured servitor entered his bedchamber
with his warm water on the morning of Christmas Day »Still frosty«
»Water in the washhand basins a mask o ice sir« responded Sam
»Severe weather Sam« observed Mr Pickwick
»Fine time for them as is well wropped up as the Polar Bear said to
himself ven he was practising his skating« replied Mr Weller
»I shall be down in a quarter of an hour Sam« said Mr Pickwick untying
his nightcap
»Wery good sir« replied Sam »Theres a couple o Sawbones down stairs«
»A couple of what« exclaimed Mr Pickwick sitting up in bed
»A couple o Sawbones« said Sam
»Whats a Sawbones« inquired Mr Pickwick not quite certain whether it was
a live animal or something to eat
»What Dont you know what a Sawbones is sir« inquired Mr Weller »I
thought everybody knowd as a Sawbones was a Surgeon«
»Oh a Surgeon eh« said Mr Pickwick with a smile
»Just that sir« replied Sam »These here ones as is below though aint
reglar thoroughbred Sawbones theyre only in trainin«
»In other words theyre Medical Students I suppose« said Mr Pickwick
Sam Weller nodded assent
»I am glad of it« said Mr Pickwick casting his nightcap energetically on
the counterpane »They are fine fellows very fine fellows with judgments
matured by observation and reflection tastes refined by reading and study I am
very glad of it«
»Theyre a smokin cigars by the kitchen fire« said Sam
»Ah« observed Mr Pickwick rubbing his hands »overflowing with kindly
feelings and animal spirits Just what I like to see«
»And one on em« said Sam not noticing his masters interruption »one on
ems got his legs on the table and is a drinkin brandy neat vile the tother
one him in the barnacles has got a barrel o oysters atween his knees wich
hes a openin like steam and as fast as he eats em he takes a aim vith the
shells at young dropsy whos a sittin down fast asleep in the chimbley
corner«
»Eccentricities of genius Sam« said Mr Pickwick »You may retire«
Sam did retire accordingly Mr Pickwick at the expiration of the quarter
of an hour went down to breakfast
»Here he is at last« said old Mr Wardle »Pickwick this is Miss Allens
brother Mr Benjamin Allen Ben we call him and so may you if you like This
gentleman is his very particular friend Mr «
»Mr Bob Sawyer« interposed Mr Benjamin Allen whereupon Mr Bob Sawyer
and Mr Benjamin Allen laughed in concert
Mr Pickwick bowed to Bob Sawyer and Bob Sawyer bowed to Mr Pickwick Bob
and his very particular friend then applied themselves most assiduously to the
eatables before them and Mr Pickwick had an opportunity of glancing at them
both
Mr Benjamin Allen was a coarse stout thickset young man with black hair
cut rather short and a white face cut rather long He was embellished with
spectacles and wore a white neckerchief Below his singlebreasted black
surtout which was buttoned up to his chin appeared the usual number of
pepperand coloured legs terminating in a pair of imperfectly polished boots
Although his coat was short in the sleeves it disclosed no vestige of a linen
wristband and although there was quite enough of his face to admit of the
encroachment of a shirt collar it was not graced by the smallest approach to
that appendage He presented altogether rather a mildewy appearance and
emitted a fragrant odour of fullflavoured Cubas
Mr Bob Sawyer who was habited in a coarse blue coat which without being
either a greatcoat or a surtout partook of the nature and qualities of both
had about him that sort of slovenly smartness and swaggering gait which is
peculiar to young gentlemen who smoke in the streets by day shout and scream in
the same by night call waiters by their Christian names and do various other
acts and deeds of an equally facetious description He wore a pair of plaid
trousers and a large rough doublebreasted waistcoat out of doors he carried
a thick stick with a big top He eschewed gloves and looked upon the whole
something like a dissipated Robinson Crusoe
Such were the two worthies to whom Mr Pickwick was introduced as he took
his seat at the breakfast table on Christmas morning
»Splendid morning gentlemen« said Mr Pickwick
Mr Bob Sawyer slightly nodded his assent to the proposition, and asked Mr
Benjamin Allen for the mustard
»Have you come far this morning gentlemen« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Blue Lion at Muggleton« briefly responded Mr Allen
»You should have joined us last night« said Mr Pickwick
»So we should« replied Bob Sawyer »but the brandy was too good to leave in
a hurry wasnt it Ben«
»Certainly« said Mr Benjamin Allen »and the cigars were not bad or the
pork chops either were they Bob«
»Decidedly not« said Bob The particular friends resumed their attack upon
the breakfast more freely than before as if the recollection of last nights
supper had imparted a new relish to the meal
»Peg away Bob« said Mr Allen to his companion encouragingly
»So I do« replied Bob Sawyer And so to do him justice he did
»Nothing like dissecting to give one an appetite« said Mr Bob Sawyer
looking round the table
Mr Pickwick slightly shuddered
»By the bye Bob« said Mr Allen »have you finished that leg yet«
»Nearly« replied Sawyer helping himself to half a fowl as he spoke »Its
a very muscular one for a childs«
»Is it« inquired Mr Allen carelessly
»Very« said Bob Sawyer with his mouth full
»Ive put my name down for an arm at our place« said Mr Allen »Were
clubbing for a subject and the list is nearly full only we cant get hold of
any fellow that wants a head I wish youd take it«
»No« replied Bob Sawyer »cant afford expensive luxuries«
»Nonsense« said Allen
»Cant indeed« rejoined Bob Sawyer »I wouldnt mind a brain but I
couldnt stand a whole head«
»Hush hush gentlemen pray« said Mr Pickwick »I hear the ladies«
As Mr Pickwick spoke the ladies gallantly escorted by Messrs Snodgrass
Winkle and Tupman returned from an early walk
»Why Ben« said Arabella in a tone which expressed more surprise than
pleasure at the sight of her brother
»Come to take you home tomorrow« replied Benjamin
Mr Winkle turned pale
»Dont you see Bob Sawyer Arabella« inquired Mr Benjamin Allen somewhat
reproachfully Arabella gracefully held out her hand in acknowledgement of Bob
Sawyers presence A thrill of hatred struck to Mr Winkles heart as Bob
Sawyer inflicted on the proffered hand a perceptible squeeze
»Ben dear« said Arabella blushing »have have you been introduced to
Mr Winkle«
»I have not been but I shall be very happy to be Arabella« replied her
brother gravely Here Mr Allen bowed grimly to Mr Winkle while Mr Winkle and
Mr Bob Sawyer glanced mutual distrust out of the corners of their eyes
The arrival of the two new visitors and the consequent check upon Mr
Winkle and the young lady with the fur round her boots would in all probability
have proved a very unpleasant interruption to the hilarity of the party had not
the cheerfulness of Mr Pickwick and the good humour of the host been exerted
to the very utmost for the common weal Mr Winkle gradually insinuated himself
into the good graces of Mr Benjamin Allen and even joined in a friendly
conversation with Mr Bob Sawyer who enlivened with the brandy and the
breakfast and the talking gradually ripened into a state of extreme
facetiousness and related with much glee an agreeable anecdote about the
removal of a tumour on some gentlemans head which he illustrated by means of
an oysterknife and a halfquartern loaf to the great edification of the
assembled company Then the whole train went to church where Mr Benjamin
Allen fell fast asleep while Mr Bob Sawyer abstracted his thoughts from
worldly matters by the ingenious process of carving his name on the seat of the
pew in corpulent letters of four inches long
»Now« said Wardle after a substantial lunch with the agreeable items of
strongbeer and cherrybrandy had been done ample justice to »what say you to
an hour on the ice We shall have plenty of time«
»Capital« said Mr Benjamin Allen
»Prime« ejaculated Mr Bob Sawyer
»You skate of course Winkle« said Wardle
»Yeyes oh yes« replied Mr Winkle »I I am rather out of practice«
»Oh do skate Mr Winkle« said Arabella »I like to see it so much«
»Oh it is so graceful« said another young lady
A third young lady said it was elegant and a fourth expressed her opinion
that it was »swanlike«
»I should be very happy Im sure« said Mr Winkle reddening »but I have
no skates«
This objection was at once overruled Trundle had a couple of pair and the
fat boy announced that there were halfadozen more down stairs whereat Mr
Winkle expressed exquisite delight and looked exquisitely uncomfortable
Old Wardle led the way to a pretty large sheet of ice and the fat boy and
Mr Weller having shovelled and swept away the snow which had fallen on it
during the night Mr Bob Sawyer adjusted his skates with a dexterity which to
Mr Winkle was perfectly marvellous and described circles with his left leg
and cut figures of eight and inscribed upon the ice without once stopping for
breath a great many other pleasant and astonishing devices to the excessive
satisfaction of Mr Pickwick Mr Tupman and the ladies which reached a pitch
of positive enthusiasm when old Wardle and Benjamin Allen assisted by the
aforesaid Bob Sawyer performed some mystic evolutions which they called a
reel
All this time Mr Winkle with his face and hands blue with the cold had
been forcing a gimlet into the soles of his feet and putting his skates on
with the points behind and getting the straps into a very complicated and
entangled state with the assistance of Mr Snodgrass who knew rather less
about skates than a Hindoo At length however with the assistance of Mr
Weller the unfortunate skates were firmly screwed and buckled on and Mr
Winkle was raised to his feet
»Now then sir« said Sam in an encouraging tone »off vith you and show
em how to do it«
»Stop Sam stop« said Mr Winkle trembling violently and clutching hold
of Sams arms with the grasp of a drowning man »How slippery it is Sam«
»Not an uncommon thing upon ice sir« replied Mr Weller »Hold up sir«
This last observation of Mr Wellers bore reference to a demonstration Mr
Winkle made at the instant of a frantic desire to throw his feet in the air
and dash the back of his head on the ice
»These these are very awkward skates aint they Sam« inquired Mr
Winkle staggering
»Im afeerd theres a orkard genlmn in em sir« replied Sam
»Now Winkle« cried Mr Pickwick quite unconscious that there was anything
the matter »Come the ladies are all anxiety«
»Yes yes« replied Mr Winkle with a ghastly smile »Im coming«
»Just a goin to begin« said Sam endeavouring to disengage himself »Now
sir start off«
»Stop an instant Sam« gasped Mr Winkle clinging most affectionately to
Mr Weller »I find Ive got a couple of coats at home that I dont want Sam
You may have them Sam«
»Thankee sir« replied Mr Weller
»Never mind touching your hat Sam« said Mr Winkle hastily »You neednt
take your hand away to do that I meant to have given you five shillings this
morning for a Christmasbox Sam Ill give it you this afternoon Sam«
»Youre wery good sir« replied Mr Weller
»Just hold me at first Sam will you« said Mr Winkle »There thats
right I shall soon get in the way of it Sam Not too fast Sam not too fast«
Mr Winkle stooping forward with his body half doubled up was being
assisted over the ice by Mr Weller in a very singular and unswanlike manner
when Mr Pickwick most innocently shouted from the opposite bank
»Sam«
»Sir«
»Here I want you«
»Let go sir« said Sam »Dont you hear the governor a callin Let go
sir«
With a violent effort Mr Weller disengaged himself from the grasp of the
agonised Pickwickian and in so doing administered a considerable impetus to
the unhappy Mr Winkle With an accuracy which no degree of dexterity or
practice could have insured that unfortunate gentleman bore swiftly down into
the centre of the reel at the very moment when Mr Bob Sawyer was performing a
flourish of unparalleled beauty Mr Winkle struck wildly against him and with
a loud crash they both fell heavily down Mr Pickwick ran to the spot Bob
Sawyer had risen to his feet but Mr Winkle was far too wise to do anything of
the kind in skates He was seated on the ice making spasmodic efforts to
smile but anguish was depicted on every lineament of his countenance
»Are you hurt« inquired Mr Benjamin Allen with great anxiety
»Not much« said Mr Winkle rubbing his back very hard
»I wish youd let me bleed you« said Mr Benjamin with great eagerness
»No thank you« replied Mr Winkle hurriedly
»I really think you had better« said Allen
»Thank you« replied Mr Winkle »Id rather not«
»What do you think Mr Pickwick« inquired Bob Sawyer
Mr Pickwick was excited and indignant He beckoned to Mr Weller and said
in a stern voice »Take his skates off«
»No but really I had scarcely begun« remonstrated Mr Winkle
»Take his skates off« repeated Mr Pickwick firmly
The command was not to be resisted Mr Winkle allowed Sam to obey it in
silence
»Lift him up« said Mr Pickwick Sam assisted him to rise
Mr Pickwick retired a few paces apart from the bystanders and beckoning
his friend to approach fixed a searching look upon him and uttered in a low
but distinct and emphatic tone these remarkable words
»Youre a humbug sir«
»A what« said Mr Winkle starting
»A humbug sir I will speak plainer if you wish it An impostor sir«
With those words Mr Pickwick turned slowly on his heel and rejoined his
friends
While Mr Pickwick was delivering himself of the sentiment just recorded
Mr Weller and the fat boy having by their joint endeavours cut out a slide
were exercising themselves thereupon in a very masterly and brilliant manner
Sam Weller in particular was displaying that beautiful feat of fancysliding
which is currently denominated knocking at the cobblers door and which is
achieved by skimming over the ice on one foot and occasionally giving a
postmans knock upon it with the other It was a good long slide and there was
something in the motion which Mr Pickwick who was very cold with standing
still could not help envying
»It looks a nice warm exercise that doesnt it« he inquired of Wardle
when that gentleman was thoroughly out of breath by reason of the indefatigable
manner in which he had converted his legs into a pair of compasses and drawn
complicated problems on the ice
»Ah it does indeed« replied Wardle »Do you slide«
»I used to do so on the gutters when I was a boy« replied Mr Pickwick
»Try it now« said Wardle
»Oh do please Mr Pickwick« cried all the ladies
»I should be very happy to afford you any amusement« replied Mr Pickwick
»but I havent done such a thing these thirty years«
»Pooh pooh Nonsense« said Wardle dragging off his skates with the
impetuosity which characterised all his proceedings »Here Ill keep you
company come along« And away went the good tempered old fellow down the slide
with a rapidity which came very close upon Mr Weller and beat the fat boy all
to nothing
Mr Pickwick paused considered pulled off his gloves and put them in his
hat took two or three short runs baulked himself as often and at last took
another run and went slowly and gravely down the slide with his feet about a
yard and a quarter apart amidst the gratified shouts of all the spectators
»Keep the pot a bilin sir« said Sam and down went Wardle again and then
Mr Pickwick and then Sam and then Mr Winkle and then Mr Bob Sawyer and
then the fat boy and then Mr Snodgrass following closely upon each others
heels and running after each other with as much eagerness as if all their
future prospects in life depended on their expedition
It was the most intensely interesting thing to observe the manner in which
Mr Pickwick performed his share in the ceremony to watch the torture of
anxiety with which he viewed the person behind gaining upon him at the imminent
hazard of tripping him up to see him gradually expend the painful force he had
put on at first and turn slowly round on the slide with his face towards the
point from which he had started to contemplate the playful smile which mantled
on his face when he had accomplished the distance and the eagerness with which
he turned round when he had done so and ran after his predecessor his black
gaiters tripping pleasantly through the snow and his eyes beaming cheerfulness
and gladness through his spectacles And when he was knocked down which
happened upon the average every third round it was the most invigorating sight
that can possibly be imagined to behold him gather up his hat gloves and
handkerchief with a glowing countenance and resume his station in the rank
with an ardour and enthusiasm that nothing could abate
The sport was at its height the sliding was at the quickest the laughter
was at the loudest when a sharp smart crack was heard There was a quick rush
towards the bank a wild scream from the ladies and a shout from Mr Tupman A
large mass of ice disappeared the water bubbled up over it Mr Pickwicks hat
gloves and handkerchief were floating on the surface and this was all of Mr
Pickwick that anybody could see
Dismay and anguish were depicted on every countenance the males turned
pale and the females fainted Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle grasped each other
by the hand and gazed at the spot where their leader had gone down with
frenzied eagerness while Mr Tupman by way of rendering the promptest
assistance and at the same time conveying to any persons who might be within
hearing the clearest possible notion of the catastrophe ran off across the
country at his utmost speed screaming »Fire« with all his might
It was at this moment when old Wardle and Sam Weller were approaching the
hole with cautious steps and Mr Benjamin Allen was holding a hurried
consultation with Mr Bob Sawyer on the advisability of bleeding the company
generally as an improving little bit of professional practice it was at this
very moment that a face head and shoulders emerged from beneath the water
and disclosed the features and spectacles of Mr Pickwick
»Keep yourself up for an instant for only one instant« bawled Mr
Snodgrass
»Yes do let me implore you for my sake« roared Mr Winkle deeply
affected The adjuration was rather unnecessary the probability being that if
Mr Pickwick had declined to keep himself up for anybody elses sake it would
have occurred to him that he might as well do so for his own
»Do you feel the bottom there old fellow« said Wardle
»Yes certainly« replied Mr Pickwick wringing the water from his head and
face and gasping for breath »I fell upon my back I couldnt get on my feet at
first«
The clay upon so much of Mr Pickwicks coat as was yet visible bore
testimony to the accuracy of this statement and as the fears of the spectators
were still further relieved by the fat boys suddenly recollecting that the
water was nowhere more than five feet deep prodigies of valour were performed
to get him out After a vast quantity of splashing and cracking and
struggling Mr Pickwick was at length fairly extricated from his unpleasant
position and once more stood on dry land
»Oh hell catch his death of cold« said Emily
»Dear old thing« said Arabella »Let me wrap this shawl round you Mr
Pickwick«
»Ah thats the best thing you can do« said Wardle »and when youve got it
on run home as fast as your legs can carry you and jump into bed directly«
A dozen shawls were offered on the instant Three or four of the thickest
having been selected Mr Pickwick was wrapped up and started off under the
guidance of Mr Weller presenting the singular phenomenon of an elderly
gentleman dripping wet and without a hat with his arms bound down to his
sides skimming over the ground without any clearly defined purpose at the
rate of six good English miles an hour
But Mr Pickwick cared not for appearances in such an extreme case and
urged on by Sam Weller he kept at the very top of his speed until he reached
the door of Manor Farm where Mr Tupman had arrived some five minutes before
and had frightened the old lady into palpitations of the heart by impressing her
with the unalterable conviction that the kitchen chimney was on fire a
calamity which always presented itself in glowing colours to the old ladys
mind when anybody about her evinced the smallest agitation
Mr Pickwick paused not an instant until he was snug in bed Sam Weller
lighted a blazing fire in the room and took up his dinner a bowl of punch was
carried up afterwards and a grand carouse held in honour of his safety Old
Wardle would not hear of his rising so they made the bed the chair and Mr
Pickwick presided A second and a third bowl were ordered in and when Mr
Pickwick awoke next morning there was not a symptom of rheumatism about him
which proves as Mr Bob Sawyer very justly observed that there is nothing like
hot punch in such cases and that if ever hot punch did fail to act as a
preventive it was merely because the patient fell into the vulgar error of not
taking enough of it
The jovial party broke up next morning Breakings up are capital things in
our school days but in after life they are painful enough Death
selfinterest and fortunes changes are every day breaking up many a happy
group and scattering them far and wide and the boys and girls never come back
again We do not mean to say that it was exactly the case in this particular
instance all we wish to inform the reader is that the different members of the
party dispersed to their several homes that Mr Pickwick and his friends once
more took their seats on the top of the Muggleton coach and that Arabella Allen
repaired to her place of destination wherever it might have been we dare say
Mr Winkle knew but we confess we dont under the care and guardianship of
her brother Benjamin and his most intimate and particular friend Mr Bob
Sawyer
Before they separated however that gentleman and Mr Benjamin Allen drew
Mr Pickwick aside with an air of some mystery and Mr Bob Sawyer thrusting his
forefinger between two of Mr Pickwicks ribs and thereby displaying his native
drollery and his knowledge of the anatomy of the human frame at one and the
same time inquired
»I say old boy where do you hang out«
Mr Pickwick replied that he was at present suspended at the George and
Vulture
»I wish youd come and see me« said Bob Sawyer
»Nothing would give me greater pleasure« replied Mr Pickwick
»Theres my lodgings« said Mr Bob Sawyer producing a card »Lant Street
Borough its near Guys and handy for me you know Little distance after
youve passed Saint Georges Church turns out of the High Street on the right
hand side the way«
»I shall find it« said Mr Pickwick
»Come on Thursday fortnight and bring the other chaps with you« said Mr
Bob Sawyer »Im going to have a few medical fellows that night«
Mr Pickwick expressed the pleasure it would afford him to meet the medical
fellows and after Mr Bob Sawyer had informed him that he meant to be very
cosey and that his friend Ben was to be one of the party they shook hands and
separated
We feel that in this place we lay ourself open to the inquiry whether Mr
Winkle was whispering during this brief conversation to Arabella Allen and if
so what he said and furthermore whether Mr Snodgrass was conversing apart
with Emily Wardle and if so what he said To this we reply that whatever
they might have said to the ladies they said nothing at all to Mr Pickwick or
Mr Tupman for eightandtwenty miles and that they sighed very often refused
ale and brandy and looked gloomy If our observant lady readers can deduce any
satisfactory inferences from these facts we beg them by all means to do so
Chapter XXXI
Which Is All About the Law and Sundry Great Authorities Learned Therein
Scattered about in various holes and corners of the Temple are certain dark
and dirty chambers in and out of which all the morning in Vacation and half
the evening too in Term time there may be seen constantly hurrying with bundles
of papers under their arms and protruding from their pockets an almost
uninterrupted succession of Lawyers Clerks There are several grades of
Lawyers Clerks There is the Articled Clerk who has paid a premium and is an
attorney in perspective who runs a tailors bill receives invitations to
parties knows a family in Gower Street and another in Tavistock Square who
goes out of town every Long Vacation to see his father who keeps live horses
innumerable and who is in short the very aristocrat of clerks There is the
salaried clerk out of door or in door as the case may be who devotes the
major part of his thirty shillings a week to his personal pleasure and
adornment repairs halfprice to the Adelphi Theatre at least three times a
week dissipates majestically at the cider cellars afterwards and is a dirty
caricature of the fashion which expired six months ago There is the middleaged
copying clerk with a large family who is always shabby and often drunk And
there are the office lads in their first surtouts who feel a befitting contempt
for boys at dayschools club as they go home at night for saveloys and porter
and think theres nothing like life There are varieties of the genus, too
numerous to recapitulate but however numerous they may be they are all to be
seen at certain regulated business hours hurrying to and from the places we
have just mentioned
These sequestered nooks are the public offices of the legal profession
where writs are issued judgments signed declarations filed and numerous other
ingenious machines put in motion for the torture and torment of His Majestys
liege subjects and the comfort and emolument of the practitioners of the law
They are for the most part lowroofed mouldy rooms where innumerable rolls
of parchment which have been perspiring in secret for the last century send
forth an agreeable odour which is mingled by day with the scent of the dry rot
and by night with the various exhalations which arise from damp cloaks
festering umbrellas and the coarsest tallow candles
About halfpast seven oclock in the evening some ten days or a fortnight
after Mr Pickwick and his friends returned to London there hurried into one of
these offices an individual in a brown coat and brass buttons whose long hair
was scrupulously twisted round the rim of his napless hat and whose soiled drab
trousers were so tightly strapped over his Blucher boots that his knees
threatened every moment to start from their concealment He produced from his
coat pockets a long and narrow strip of parchment on which the presiding
functionary impressed an illegible black stamp He then drew forth four scraps
of paper of similar dimensions each containing a printed copy of the strip of
parchment with blanks for a name and having filled up the blanks put all the
five documents in his pocket and hurried away
The man in the brown coat with the cabalistic documents in his pocket was
no other than our old acquaintance Mr Jackson of the house of Dodson and Fogg
Freemans Court Cornhill Instead of returning to the office from whence he
came however he bent his steps direct to Sun Court and walking straight into
the George and Vulture demanded to know whether one Mr Pickwick was within
»Call Mr Pickwicks servant Tom« said the barmaid of the George and
Vulture
»Dont trouble yourself« said Mr Jackson »Ive come on business If
youll show me Mr Pickwicks room Ill step up myself«
»What name sir« said the waiter
»Jackson« replied the clerk
The waiter stepped up stairs to announce Mr Jackson but Mr Jackson saved
him the trouble by following close at his heels and walking into the apartment
before he could articulate a syllable
Mr Pickwick had that day invited his three friends to dinner they were
all seated round the fire drinking their wine when Mr Jackson presented
himself as above described
»How de do sir« said Mr Jackson nodding to Mr Pickwick
That gentleman bowed and looked somewhat surprised for the physiognomy of
Mr Jackson dwelt not in his recollection
»I have called from Dodson and Foggs« said Mr Jackson in an explanatory
tone
Mr Pickwick roused at the name »I refer you to my attorney sir Mr
Perker of Grays Inn« said he »Waiter show this gentleman out«
»Beg your pardon Mr Pickwick« said Jackson deliberately depositing his
hat on the floor and drawing from his pocket the strip of parchment »But
personal service by clerk or agent in these cases you know Mr Pickwick
nothing like caution sir in all legal forms«
Here Mr Jackson cast his eye on the parchment and resting his hands on
the table and looking round with a winning and persuasive smile said »Now
come dont lets have no words about such a little matter as this Which of you
gentlemens names Snodgrass«
At this inquiry Mr Snodgrass gave such a very undisguised and palpable
start that no further reply was needed
»Ah I thought so« said Mr Jackson more affably than before »Ive got a
little something to trouble you with sir«
»Me« exclaimed Mr Snodgrass
»Its only a subpoena in Bardell and Pickwick on behalf of the plaintiff«
replied Jackson singling out one of the slips of paper and producing a
shilling from his waistcoat pocket »Itll come on in the settens after Term
fourteenth of Febooary we expect weve marked it a special jury cause and
its only ten down the paper Thats yours Mr Snodgrass« As Jackson said this
he presented the parchment before the eyes of Mr Snodgrass and slipped the
paper and the shilling into his hand
Mr Tupman had witnessed this process in silent astonishment when Jackson
turning sharply upon him said
»I think I aint mistaken when I say your names Tupman am I«
Mr Tupman looked at Mr Pickwick but perceiving no encouragement in that
gentlemans widelyopened eyes to deny his name said
»Yes my name is Tupman sir«
»And that other gentlemans Mr Winkle I think« said Jackson
Mr Winkle faltered out a reply in the affirmative and both gentlemen were
forthwith invested with a slip of paper and a shilling each by the dexterous
Mr Jackson
»Now« said Jackson »Im afraid youll think me rather troublesome but I
want somebody else if it aint inconvenient I have Samuel Wellers name here
Mr Pickwick«
»Send my servant here waiter« said Mr Pickwick The waiter retired
considerably astonished and Mr Pickwick motioned Jackson to a seat
There was a painful pause which was at length broken by the innocent
defendant
»I suppose sir« said Mr Pickwick his indignation rising while he spoke
»I suppose sir that it is the intention of your employers to seek to criminate
me upon the testimony of my own friends«
Mr Jackson struck his forefinger several times against the left side of his
nose to intimate that he was not there to disclose the secrets of the
prisonhouse and playfully rejoined
»Not knowin cant say«
»For what other reason sir« pursued Mr Pickwick »are these subpoenas
served upon them if not for this«
»Very good plant Mr Pickwick« replied Jackson slowly shaking his head
»But it wont do No harm in trying but theres little to be got out of me«
Here Mr Jackson smiled once more upon the company and applying his left
thumb to the tip of his nose worked a visionary coffeemill with his right
hand thereby performing a very graceful piece of pantomime then much in vogue
but now unhappily almost obsolete which was familiarly denominated »taking a
grinder«
»No no Mr Pickwick« said Jackson in conclusion »Perkers people must
guess what weve served these subpoenas for If they cant they must wait till
the action comes on and then theyll find out«
Mr Pickwick bestowed a look of excessive disgust on his unwelcome visitor
and would probably have hurled some tremendous anathema at the heads of Messrs
Dodson and Fogg had not Sams entrance at the instant interrupted him
»Samuel Weller« said Mr Jackson inquiringly
»Vun o the truest things as youve said for many a long year« replied Sam
in a most composed manner
»Heres a subpoena for you Mr Weller« said Jackson
»Whats that in English« inquired Sam
»Heres the original« said Jackson declining the required explanation
»Which« said Sam
»This« replied Jackson shaking the parchment
»Oh thats the rignal is it« said Sam »Well Im wery glad Ive seen
the rignal cos its a gratifyin sort o thing and eases vuns mind so
much«
»And heres the shilling« said Jackson »Its from Dodson and Foggs«
»And its uncommon handsome o Dodson and Fogg as knows so little of me to
come down vith a present« said Sam »I feel it as a wery high compliment sir
its a wery honrable thing to them as they knows how to reward merit werever
they meets it Besides wich its affectin to ones feelins«
As Mr Weller said this he inflicted a little friction on his right
eyelid with the sleeve of his coat after the most approved manner of actors
when they are in domestic pathetics
Mr Jackson seemed rather puzzled by Sams proceedings but as he had
served the subpoenas and had nothing more to say he made a feint of putting on
the one glove which he usually carried in his hand for the sake of appearances
and returned to the office to report progress
Mr Pickwick slept little that night his memory had received a very
disagreeable refresher on the subject of Mrs Bardells action He breakfasted
betimes next morning and desiring Sam to accompany him set forth towards
Grays Inn Square
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick looking round when they got to the end of
Cheapside
»Sir« said Sam stepping up to his master
»Which way«
»Up Newgate Street«
Mr Pickwick did not turn round immediately but looked vacantly in Sams
face for a few seconds and heaved a deep sigh
»Whats the matter sir« inquired Sam
»This action Sam« said Mr Pickwick »is expected to come on on the
fourteenth of next month«
»Remarkable coincidence that ere sir« replied Sam
»Why remarkable Sam« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Walentines day sir« responded Sam »reglar good day for a breach o
promise trial«
Mr Wellers smile awakened no gleam of mirth in his masters countenance
Mr Pickwick turned abruptly round and led the way in silence
They had walked some distance Mr Pickwick trotting on before plunged in
profound meditation and Sam following behind with a countenance expressive of
the most enviable and easy defiance of everything and everybody when the
latter who was always especially anxious to impart to his master any exclusive
information he possessed quickened his pace until he was close at Mr
Pickwicks heels and pointing up at a house they were passing said
»Wery nice porkshop that ere sir«
»Yes it seems so« said Mr Pickwick
»Celebrated Sassage factory« said Sam
»Is it« said Mr Pickwick
»Is it« reiterated Sam with some indignation »I should rayther think it
was Why sir bless your innocent eyebrows thats where the mysterious
disappearance of a spectable tradesman took place four year ago«
»You dont mean to say he was burked Sam« said Mr Pickwick looking
hastily round
»No I dont indeed sir« replied Mr Weller »I wish I did far worse than
that He was the master o that ere shop sir and the inwenter o the
patentneverleavinoff sassage steam ingine as ud swaller up a pavin stone
if you put it too near and grind it into sassages as easy as if it was a tender
young babby Wery proud o that machine he was as it was natral he should be
and hed stand down in the celler a lookin at it wen it was in full play till
he got quite melancholy with joy A wery happy man hed ha been sir in the
procession o that ere ingine and two more lovely hinfants besides if it
hadnt been for his wife who was a most owdacious wixin She was always a
follerin him about and dinnin in his ears till at last he couldnt stand it
no longer Ill tell you what it is my dear he says one day if you persewere
in this here sort of amusement he says Im blessed if I dont go away to
Merriker and thats all about it Youre a idle willin says she and I wish
the Merrikins joy of their bargain Arter wich she keeps on abusin of him for
half an hour and then runs into the little parlour behind the shop sets to a
screamin says hell be the death on her and falls in a fit which lasts for
three good hours one o them fits wich is all screamin and kickin Well
next mornin the husband was missin He hadnt taken nothin from the till
hadnt even put on his greatcoat so it was quite clear he warnt gone to
Merriker Didnt come back next day didnt come back next week Missis had
bills printed sayin that if hed come back he should be forgiven everythin
which was very liberal seein that he hadnt done nothin at all the canals
was dragged and for two months artervards wenever a body turned up it was
carried as a reglar thing straight off to the sassage shop Howsever none
on em answered so they gave out that hed run avay and she kep on the
bisness One Saturday night a little thin old genlmn comes into the shop in
a great passion and says Are you the missis o this here shop Yes I am says
she Well maam says he then Ive just looked in to say that me and my family
aint a goin to be choked for nothin and more than that maam he says
youll allow me to observe that as you dont use the primest parts of the meat
in the manafacter o sassages I think youd find beef come nearly as cheap as
buttons As buttons sir says she Buttons maam says the little old
gentleman unfolding a bit of paper and shewin twenty or thirty halves o
buttons Nice seasonin for sassages is trousers buttons maam Theyre my
husbands buttons says the widder beginnin to faint What screams the little
old genlmn turnin wery pale I see it all says the widder in a fit of
temporary insanity he rashly converted hisself into sassages And so he had
sir« said Mr Weller looking steadily into Mr Pickwicks horrorstricken
countenance »or else hed been drawd into the ingine but however that might
ha been the little old genlmn who had been remarkably partial to sassages
all his life rushed out o the shop in a wild state and was never heerd on
artervards«
The relation of this affecting incident of private life brought master and
man to Mr Perkers chambers Lowten holding the door half open was in
conversation with a rustilyclad miserablelooking man in boots without toes
and gloves without fingers There were traces of privation and suffering
almost of despair in his lank and careworn countenance he felt his poverty
for he shrunk to the dark side of the staircase as Mr Pickwick approached
»Its very unfortunate« said the stranger with a sigh
»Very« said Lowten scribbling his name on the doorpost with his pen and
rubbing it out again with the feather »Will you leave a message for him«
»When do you think hell be back« inquired the stranger
»Quite uncertain« replied Lowten winking at Mr Pickwick as the stranger
cast his eyes towards the ground
»You dont think it would be of any use my waiting for him« said the
stranger looking wistfully into the office
»Oh no Im sure it wouldnt« replied the clerk moving a little more into
the centre of the doorway »Hes certain not to be back this week and its a
chance whether he will be next for when Perker once gets out of town hes
never in a hurry to come back again«
»Out of town« said Mr Pickwick »dear me how unfortunate«
»Dont go away Mr Pickwick« said Lowten »Ive got a letter for you« The
stranger seeming to hesitate once more looked towards the ground and the clerk
winked slyly at Mr Pickwick as if to intimate that some exquisite piece of
humour was going forward though what it was Mr Pickwick could not for the life
of him divine
»Step in Mr Pickwick« said Lowten »Well will you leave a message Mr
Watty or will you call again«
»Ask him to be so kind as to leave out word what has been done in my
business« said the man »for Gods sake dont neglect it Mr Lowten«
»No no I wont forget it« replied the clerk »Walk in Mr Pickwick Good
morning Mr Watty its a fine day for walking isnt it« Seeing that the
stranger still lingered he beckoned Sam Weller to follow his master in and
shut the door in his face
»There never was such a pestering bankrupt as that since the world began I
do believe« said Lowten throwing down his pen with the air of an injured man
»His affairs havent been in Chancery quite four years yet and Im dd if he
dont come worrying here twice a week Step this way Mr Pickwick Perker is
in and hell see you I know Devilish cold« he added pettishly »standing at
that door wasting ones time with such seedy vagabonds« Having very vehemently
stirred a particularly large fire with a particularly small poker the clerk led
the way to his principals private room and announced Mr Pickwick
»Ah my dear sir« said little Mr Perker bustling up from his chair
»Well my dear sir and whats the news about your matter eh Anything more
about our friends in Freemans Court Theyve not been sleeping I know that
Ah theyre very smart fellows very smart indeed«
As the little man concluded he took an emphatic pinch of snuff as a
tribute to the smartness of Messrs Dodson and Fogg
»They are great scoundrels« said Mr Pickwick
»Aye aye« said the little man »thats a matter of opinion you know and
we wont dispute about terms because of course you cant be expected to view
these subjects with a professional eye Well weve done everything thats
necessary I have retained Serjeant Snubbin«
»Is he a good man« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Good man« replied Perker »bless your heart and soul my dear sir
Serjeant Snubbin is at the very top of his profession Gets treble the business
of any man in court engaged in every case You neednt mention it abroad but
we say we of the profession that Serjeant Snubbin leads the court by the
nose«
The little man took another pinch of snuff as he made this communication
and nodded mysteriously to Mr Pickwick
»They have subpoenad my three friends« said Mr Pickwick
»Ah of course they would« replied Perker »Important witnesses saw you in
a delicate situation«
»But she fainted of her own accord« said Mr Pickwick »She threw herself
into my arms«
»Very likely my dear sir« replied Perker »very likely and very natural
Nothing more so my dear sir nothing But whos to prove it«
»They have subpoenad my servant too« said Mr Pickwick quitting the other
point for there Mr Perkers question had somewhat staggered him
»Sam« said Perker
Mr Pickwick replied in the affirmative
»Of course my dear sir of course I knew they would I could have told you
that a month ago You know my dear sir if you will take the management of
your affairs into your own hands after intrusting them to your solicitor you
must also take the consequences« Here Mr Perker drew himself up with conscious
dignity and brushed some stray grains of snuff from his shirt frill
»And what do they want him to prove« asked Mr Pickwick after two or three
minutes silence
»That you sent him up to the plaintiffs to make some offer of a compromise
I suppose« replied Perker »It dont matter much though I dont think many
counsel could get a great deal out of him«
»I dont think they could« said Mr Pickwick smiling despite his
vexation at the idea of Sams appearance as a witness »What course do we
pursue«
»We have only one to adopt my dear sir« replied Perker »crossexamine the
witnesses trust to Snubbins eloquence throw dust in the eyes of the judge
throw ourselves on the jury«
»And suppose the verdict is against me« said Mr Pickwick
Mr Perker smiled took a very long pinch of snuff stirred the fire
shrugged his shoulders and remained expressively silent
»You mean that in that case I must pay the damages« said Mr Pickwick who
had watched this telegraphic answer with considerable sternness
Perker gave the fire another very unnecessary poke and said »I am afraid
so«
»Then I beg to announce to you my unalterable determination to pay no
damages whatever« said Mr Pickwick most emphatically »None Perker Not a
pound not a penny of my money shall find its way into the pockets of Dodson
and Fogg That is my deliberate and irrevocable determination« Mr Pickwick
gave a heavy blow on the table before him in confirmation of the irrevocability
of his intention
»Very well my dear sir very well« said Perker »You know best of
course«
»Of course« replied Mr Pickwick hastily »Where does Serjeant Snubbin
live«
»In Lincolns Inn Old Square« replied Perker
»I should like to see him« said Mr Pickwick
»See Serjeant Snubbin my dear sir« rejoined Perker in utter amazement
»Pooh pooh my dear sir impossible See Serjeant Snubbin Bless you my dear
sir such a thing was never heard of without a consultation fee being
previously paid and a consultation fixed It couldnt be done my dear sir it
couldnt be done«
Mr Pickwick however had made up his mind not only that it could be done
but that it should be done and the consequence was that within ten minutes
after he had received the assurance that the thing was impossible he was
conducted by his solicitor into the outer office of the great Serjeant Snubbin
himself
It was an uncarpeted room of tolerable dimensions with a large
writingtable drawn up near the fire the baize top of which had long since lost
all claim to its original hue of green and had gradually grown grey with dust
and age except where all traces of its natural colour were obliterated by
inkstains Upon the table were numerous little bundles of papers tied with red
tape and behind it sat an elderly clerk whose sleek appearance and heavy
gold watchchain presented imposing indications of the extensive and lucrative
practice of Mr Serjeant Snubbin
»Is the Serjeant in his room Mr Mallard« inquired Perker offering his
box with all imaginable courtesy
»Yes he is« was the reply »but hes very busy Look here not an opinion
given yet on any one of these cases and an expedition fee paid with all of
em« The clerk smiled as he said this and inhaled the pinch of snuff with a
zest which seemed to be compounded of a fondness for snuff and a relish for
fees
»Something like practice that« said Perker
»Yes« said the barristers clerk producing his own box and offering it
with the greatest cordiality »and the best of it is that as nobody alive
except myself can read the Serjeants writing they are obliged to wait for the
opinions when he has given them till I have copied em ha ha ha«
»Which makes good for we know who besides the Serjeant and draws a little
more out of the clients eh« said Perker »Ha ha ha« At this the Serjeants
clerk laughed again not a noisy boisterous laugh but a silent internal
chuckle which Mr Pickwick disliked to hear When a man bleeds inwardly it is
a dangerous thing for himself but when he laughs inwardly it bodes no good to
other people
»You havent made me out that little list of the fees that Im in your debt
have you« said Perker
»No I have not« replied the clerk
»I wish you would« said Perker »Let me have them and Ill send you a
cheque But I suppose youre too busy pocketing the ready money to think of the
debtors eh ha ha ha« This sally seemed to tickle the clerk amazingly and
he once more enjoyed a little quiet laugh to himself
»But Mr Mallard my dear friend« said Perker suddenly recovering his
gravity and drawing the great mans great man into a corner by the lappel of
his coat »you must persuade the Serjeant to see me and my client here«
»Come come« said the clerk »thats not bad either See the Serjeant
come thats too absurd« Notwithstanding the absurdity of the proposal
however the clerk allowed himself to be gently drawn beyond the hearing of Mr
Pickwick and after a short conversation conducted in whispers walked softly
down a little dark passage and disappeared into the legal luminarys sanctum
whence he shortly returned on tiptoe and informed Mr Perker and Mr Pickwick
that the Serjeant had been prevailed upon in violation of all established rules
and customs to admit them at once
Mr Serjeant Snubbin was a lanternfaced sallowcomplexioned man of about
fiveandforty or as the novels say he might be fifty He had that
dulllooking boiled eye which is often to be seen in the heads of people who
have applied themselves during many years to a weary and laborious course of
study and which would have been sufficient without the additional eyeglass
which dangled from a broad black riband round his neck to warn a stranger that
he was very nearsighted His hair was thin and weak which was partly
attributable to his having never devoted much time to its arrangement and
partly to his having worn for fiveandtwenty years the forensic wig which hung
on a block beside him The marks of hairpowder on his coatcollar and the
illwashed and worse tied white handkerchief round his throat showed that he
had not found leisure since he left the court to make any alteration in his
dress while the slovenly style of the remainder of his costume warranted the
inference that his personal appearance would not have been very much improved if
he had Books of practice heaps of papers and opened letters were scattered
over the table without any attempt at order or arrangement the furniture of
the room was old and ricketty the doors of the bookcase were rotting on their
hinges the dust flew out from the carpet in little clouds at every step the
blinds were yellow with age and dirt the state of everything in the room
showed with a clearness not to be mistaken that Mr Serjeant Snubbin was far
too much occupied with his professional pursuits to take any great heed or
regard of his personal comforts
The Serjeant was writing when his clients entered he bowed abstractedly
when Mr Pickwick was introduced by his solicitor and then motioning them to a
seat put his pen carefully in the inkstand nursed his left leg and waited to
be spoken to
»Mr Pickwick is the defendant in Bardell and Pickwick Serjeant Snubbin«
said Perker
»I am retained in that am I« said the Serjeant
»You are sir« replied Perker
The Serjeant nodded his head and waited for something else
»Mr Pickwick was anxious to call upon you Serjeant Snubbin« said Perker
»to state to you before you entered upon the case that he denies there being
any ground or pretence whatever for the action against him and that unless he
came into court with clean hands and without the most conscientious conviction
that he was right in resisting the plaintiffs demand he would not be there at
all I believe I state your views correctly do I not my dear sir« said the
little man turning to Mr Pickwick
»Quite so« replied that gentleman
Mr Serjeant Snubbin unfolded his glasses raised them to his eyes and
after looking at Mr Pickwick for a few seconds with great curiosity turned to
Mr Perker and said smiling slightly as he spoke
»Has Mr Pickwick a strong case«
The attorney shrugged his shoulders
»Do you purpose calling witnesses«
»No«
The smile on the Serjeants countenance became more defined he rocked his
leg with increased violence and throwing himself back in his easychair
coughed dubiously
These tokens of the Serjeants presentiments on the subject slight as they
were were not lost on Mr Pickwick He settled the spectacles through which he
had attentively regarded such demonstrations of the barristers feelings as he
had permitted himself to exhibit more firmly on his nose and said with great
energy and in utter disregard of all Mr Perkers admonitory winkings and
frownings
»My wishing to wait upon you for such a purpose as this sir appears I
have no doubt to a gentleman who sees so much of these matters as you must
necessarily do a very extraordinary circumstance«
The Serjeant tried to look gravely at the fire but the smile came back
again
»Gentlemen of your profession sir« continued Mr Pickwick »see the worst
side of human nature All its disputes all its illwill and bad blood rise up
before you You know from your experience of juries I mean no disparagement to
you or them how much depends upon effect and you are apt to attribute to
others a desire to use for purposes of deception and selfinterest the very
instruments which you in pure honesty and honour of purpose and with a
laudable desire to do your utmost for your client know the temper and worth of
so well from constantly employing them yourselves I really believe that to
this circumstance may be attributed the vulgar but very general notion of your
being as a body suspicious distrustful and overcautious Conscious as I am
sir of the disadvantage of making such a declaration to you under such
circumstances I have come here because I wish you distinctly to understand as
my friend Mr Perker has said that I am innocent of the falsehood laid to my
charge and although I am very well aware of the inestimable value of your
assistance sir I must beg to add that unless you sincerely believe this I
would rather be deprived of the aid of your talents than have the advantage of
them«
Long before the close of this address which we are bound to say was of a
very prosy character for Mr Pickwick the Serjeant had relapsed into a state of
abstraction After some minutes however during which he had reassumed his pen
he appeared to be again aware of the presence of his clients raising his head
from the paper he said rather snappishly
»Who is with me in this case«
»Mr Phunky Serjeant Snubbin« replied the attorney
»Phunky Phunky« said the Serjeant »I never heard the name before He must
be a very young man«
»Yes he is a very young man« replied the attorney »He was only called the
other day Let me see he has not been at the Bar eight years yet«
»Ah I thought not« said the Sergeant in that sort of pitying tone in
which ordinary folks would speak of a very helpless little child »Mr Mallard
send round to Mr Mr «
»Phunkys Holborn Court Grays Inn« interposed Perker Holborn Court
by the bye is South Square now »Mr Phunky and say I should be glad if hed
step here a moment«
Mr Mallard departed to execute his commission and Serjeant Snubbin
relapsed into abstraction until Mr Phunky himself was introduced
Although an infant barrister he was a fullgrown man He had a very nervous
manner and a painful hesitation in his speech it did not appear to be a
natural defect but seemed rather the result of timidity arising from the
consciousness of being kept down by want of means or interest or connexion or
impudence as the case might be He was overawed by the Serjeant and profoundly
courteous to the attorney
»I have not had the pleasure of seeing you before Mr Phunky« said
Serjeant Snubbin with haughty condescension
Mr Phunky bowed He had had the pleasure of seeing the Serjeant and of
envying him too with all a poor mans envy for eight years and a quarter
»You are with me in this case I understand« said the Serjeant
If Mr Phunky had been a rich man he would have instantly sent for his
clerk to remind him if he had been a wise one he would have applied his
forefinger to his forehead and endeavoured to recollect whether in the
multiplicity of his engagements he had undertaken this one or not but as he
was neither rich nor wise in this sense at all events he turned red and
bowed
»Have you read the papers Mr Phunky« inquired the Serjeant
Here again Mr Phunky should have professed to have forgotten all about the
merits of the case but as he had read such papers as had been laid before him
in the course of the action and had thought of nothing else waking or
sleeping throughout the two months during which he had been retained as Mr
Serjeant Snubbins junior he turned a deeper red and bowed again
»This is Mr Pickwick« said the Serjeant waving his pen in the direction
in which that gentleman was standing
Mr Phunky bowed to Mr Pickwick with a reverence which a first client must
ever awaken and again inclined his head towards his leader
»Perhaps you will take Mr Pickwick away« said the Serjeant »and and
and hear anything Mr Pickwick may wish to communicate We shall have a
consultation of course« With this hint that he had been interrupted quite long
enough Mr Serjeant Snubbin who had been gradually growing more and more
abstracted applied his glass to his eyes for an instant bowed slightly round
and was once more deeply immersed in the case before him which arose out of an
interminable lawsuit originating in the act of an individual deceased a
century or so ago who had stopped up a pathway leading from some place which
nobody ever came from to some other place which nobody ever went to
Mr Phunky would not hear of passing through any door until Mr Pickwick and
his solicitor had passed through before him so it was some time before they got
into the Square and when they did reach it they walked up and down and held a
long conference the result of which was that it was a very difficult matter to
say how the verdict would go that nobody could presume to calculate on the
issue of an action that it was very lucky they had prevented the other party
from getting Serjeant Snubbin and other topics of doubt and consolation common
in such a position of affairs
Mr Weller was then roused by his master from a sweet sleep of an hours
duration and bidding adieu to Lowten they returned to the City
Chapter XXXII
Describes Far More Fully Than the Court Newsman Ever Did a Bachelors Party
Given by Mr Bob Sawyer at His Lodgings in the Borough
There is a repose about Lant Street in the Borough which sheds a gentle
melancholy upon the soul There are always a good many houses to let in the
street it is a byestreet too and its dulness is soothing A house in Lant
Street would not come within the denomination of a firstrate residence in the
strict acceptation of the term; but it is a most desirable spot nevertheless If
a man wished to abstract himself from the world to remove himself from within
the reach of temptation to place himself beyond the possibility of any
inducement to look out of the window he should by all means go to Lant Street
In this happy retreat are colonised a few clearstarchers a sprinkling of
journeymen bookbinders one or two prison agents for the Insolvent Court
several small housekeepers who are employed in the Docks a handful of
mantuamakers and a seasoning of jobbing tailors The majority of the
inhabitants either direct their energies to the letting of furnished apartments
or devote themselves to the healthful and invigorating pursuit of mangling The
chief features in the still life of the street are green shutters
lodgingbills brass doorplates and bellhandles the principal specimens of
animated nature the potboy the muffin youth and the bakedpotato man The
population is migratory usually disappearing on the verge of quarterday and
generally by night His Majestys revenues are seldom collected in this happy
valley the rents are dubious and the water communication is very frequently
cut off
Mr Bob Sawyer embellished one side of the fire in his firstfloor front
early on the evening for which he had invited Mr Pickwick and Mr Ben Allen
the other The preparations for the reception of visitors appeared to be
completed The umbrellas in the passage had been heaped into the little corner
outside the backparlour door the bonnet and shawl of the landladys servant
had been removed from the bannisters there were not more than two pairs of
pattens on the streetdoor mat and a kitchen candle with a very long snuff
burnt cheerfully on the ledge of the staircase window Mr Bob Sawyer had
himself purchased the spirits at a wine vaults in High Street and had returned
home preceding the bearer thereof to preclude the possibility of their delivery
at the wrong house The punch was readymade in a red pan in the bedroom a
little table covered with a green baize cloth had been borrowed from the
parlour to play at cards on and the glasses of the establishment together
with those which had been borrowed for the occasion from the publichouse were
all drawn up in a tray which was deposited on the landing outside the door
Notwithstanding the highly satisfactory nature of all these arrangements
there was a cloud on the countenance of Mr Bob Sawyer as he sat by the
fireside There was a sympathising expression too in the features of Mr Ben
Allen as he gazed intently on the coals and a tone of melancholy in his voice
as he said after a long silence
»Well it is unlucky she should have taken it in her head to turn sour just
on this occasion She might at least have waited till tomorrow«
»Thats her malevolence thats her malevolence« returned Mr Bob Sawyer
vehemently »She says that if I can afford to give a party I ought to be able to
pay her confounded little bill«
»How long has it been running« inquired Mr Ben Allen A bill by the bye
is the most extraordinary locomotive engine that the genius of man ever
produced It would keep on running during the longest lifetime without ever
once stopping of its own accord
»Only a quarter and a month or so« replied Mr Bob Sawyer
Ben Allen coughed hopelessly and directed a searching look between the two
top bars of the stove
»Itll be a deuced unpleasant thing if she takes it into her head to let
out when those fellows are here wont it« said Mr Ben Allen at length
»Horrible« replied Bob Sawyer »horrible«
A low tap was heard at the room door Mr Bob Sawyer looked expressively at
his friend and bade the tapper come in whereupon a dirty slipshod girl in
black cotton stockings who might have passed for the neglected daughter of a
superannuated dustman in very reduced circumstances thrust in her head and
said
»Please Mister Sawyer Missis Raddle wants to speak to you«
Before Mr Bob Sawyer could return any answer the girl suddenly disappeared
with a jerk as if somebody had given her a violent pull behind this mysterious
exit was no sooner accomplished than there was another tap at the door a
smart pointed tap which seemed to say »Here I am and in Im coming«
Mr Bob Sawyer glanced at his friend with a look of abject apprehension and
once more cried »Come in«
The permission was not at all necessary for before Mr Bob Sawyer had
uttered the words a little fierce woman bounced into the room all in a tremble
with passion and pale with rage
»Now Mr Sawyer« said the little fierce woman trying to appear very calm
»if youll have the kindness to settle that little bill of mine Ill thank you
because Ive got my rent to pay this afternoon and my landlords a waiting
below now« Here the little woman rubbed her hands and looked steadily over Mr
Bob Sawyers head at the wall behind him
»I am very sorry to put you to any inconvenience Mrs Raddle« said Bob
Sawyer deferentially »but «
»Oh it isnt any inconvenience« replied the little woman with a shrill
titter »I didnt want it particular before today leastways as it has to go
to my landlord directly it was as well for you to keep it as me You promised
me this afternoon Mr Sawyer and every gentleman as has ever lived here has
kept his word sir as of course anybody as calls himself a gentleman does«
Mrs Raddle tossed her head bit her lips rubbed her hands harder and looked
at the wall more steadily than ever It was plain to see as Mr Bob Sawyer
remarked in a style of eastern allegory on a subsequent occasion that she was
»getting the steam up«
»I am very sorry Mrs Raddle« said Bob Sawyer with all imaginable
humility »but the fact is that I have been disappointed in the City today«
Extraordinary place that City An astonishing number of men always are getting
disappointed there
»Well Mr Sawyer« said Mrs Raddle planting herself firmly on a purple
cauliflower in the Kidderminster carpet »and whats that to me sir«
»I I have no doubt Mrs Raddle« said Bob Sawyer blinking this last
question »that before the middle of next week we shall be able to set ourselves
quite square and go on on a better system afterwards«
This was all Mrs Raddle wanted She had bustled up to the apartment of the
unlucky Bob Sawyer so bent upon going into a passion that in all probability
payment would have rather disappointed her than otherwise She was in excellent
order for a little relaxation of the kind having just exchanged a few
introductory compliments with Mr R in the front kitchen
»Do you suppose Mr Sawyer« said Mrs Raddle elevating her voice for the
information of the neighbours »do you suppose that Im agoing day after day to
let a fellar occupy my lodgings as never thinks of paying his rent nor even the
very money laid out for the fresh butter and lump sugar thats bought for his
breakfast and the very milk thats took in at the street door Do you suppose
a hardworking and industrious woman as has lived in this street for twenty year
ten year over the way and nine year and three quarter in this very house has
nothing else to do but to work herself to death after a parcel of lazy idle
fellars that are always smoking and drinking and lounging when they ought to
be glad to turn their hands to anything that would help em to pay their bills
Do you «
»My good soul« interposed Mr Benjamin Allen soothingly
»Have the goodness to keep your observashuns to yourself sir I beg« said
Mrs Raddle suddenly arresting the rapid torrent of her speech and addressing
the third party with impressive slowness and solemnity »I am not aweer sir
that you have any right to address your conversation to me I dont think I let
these apartments to you sir«
»No you certainly did not« said Mr Benjamin Allen
»Very good sir« responded Mrs Raddle with lofty politeness »Then
praps sir youll confine yourself to breaking the arms and legs of the poor
people in the hospitals and keep yourself to yourself sir or there may be
some persons here as will make you sir«
»But you are such an unreasonable woman« remonstrated Mr Benjamin Allen
»I beg your parding young man« said Mrs Raddle in a cold perspiration of
anger »But will you have the goodness just to call me that again sir«
»I didnt make use of the word in any invidious sense maam« replied Mr
Benjamin Allen growing somewhat uneasy on his own account
»I beg your parding young man« demanded Mrs Raddle in a louder and more
imperative tone »But who do you call a woman Did you make that remark to me
sir«
»Why bless my heart« said Mr Benjamin Allen
»Did you apply that name to me I ask of you sir« interrupted Mrs Raddle
with intense fierceness throwing the door wide open
»Why of course I did« replied Mr Benjamin Allen
»Yes of course you did« said Mrs Raddle backing gradually to the door
and raising her voice to its loudest pitch for the special behoof of Mr Raddle
in the kitchen »Yes of course you did And everybody knows that they may
safely insult me in my own ouse while my husband sits sleeping down stairs and
taking no more notice than if I was a dog in the streets He ought to be ashamed
of himself here Mrs Raddle sobbed to allow his wife to be treated in this way
by a parcel of young cutters and carvers of live peoples bodies that disgraces
the lodgings another sob and leaving her exposed to all manner of abuse a
base fainthearted timorous wretch thats afraid to come up stairs and face
the ruffinly creatures thats afraid thats afraid to come« Mrs Raddle
paused to listen whether the repetition of the taunt had roused her better half
and finding that it had not been successful proceeded to descend the stairs
with sobs innumerable when there came a loud double knock at the street door
whereupon she burst into an hysterical fit of weeping accompanied with dismal
moans which was prolonged until the knock had been repeated six times when in
an uncontrollable burst of mental agony she threw down all the umbrellas and
disappeared into the back parlour closing the door after her with an awful
crash
»Does Mr Sawyer live here« said Mr Pickwick when the door was opened
»Yes« said the girl »first floor Its the door straight afore you when
you gets to the top of the stairs« Having given this instruction the handmaid
who had been brought up among the aboriginal inhabitants of Southwark
disappeared with the candle in her hand down the kitchen stairs perfectly
satisfied that she had done everything that could possibly be required of her
under the circumstances
Mr Snodgrass who entered last secured the street door after several
ineffectual efforts by putting up the chain and the friends stumbled up
stairs where they were received by Mr Bob Sawyer who had been afraid to go
down lest he should be waylaid by Mrs Raddle
»How are you« said the discomfited student »Glad to see you take care
of the glasses« This caution was addressed to Mr Pickwick who had put his hat
in the tray
»Dear me« said Mr Pickwick »I beg your pardon«
»Dont mention it dont mention it« said Bob Sawyer »Im rather confined
for room here but you must put up with all that when you come to see a young
bachelor Walk in Youve seen this gentleman before I think« Mr Pickwick
shook hands with Mr Benjamin Allen and his friends followed his example They
had scarcely taken their seats when there was another double knock
»I hope thats Jack Hopkins« said Mr Bob Sawyer »Hush Yes it is Come
up Jack come up«
A heavy footstep was heard upon the stairs and Jack Hopkins presented
himself He wore a black velvet waistcoat with thunderandlightning buttons
and a blue striped shirt with a white false collar
»Youre late Jack« said Mr Benjamin Allen
»Been detained at Bartholomews« replied Hopkins
»Anything new«
»No nothing particular Rather a good accident brought into the casualty
ward«
»What was that sir« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Only a man fallen out of a four pair of stairs window but its a very
fair case very fair case indeed«
»Do you mean that the patient is in a fair way to recover« inquired Mr
Pickwick
»No« replied Hopkins carelessly »No I should rather say he wouldnt
There must be a splendid operation though tomorrow magnificent sight if
Slasher does it«
»You consider Mr Slasher a good operator« said Mr Pickwick
»Best alive« replied Hopkins »Took a boys leg out of the socket last week
boy ate five apples and a gingerbread cake exactly two minutes after it was
all over boy said he wouldnt lie there to be made game of and hed tell his
mother if they didnt begin«
»Dear me« said Mr Pickwick astonished
»Pooh Thats nothing that aint« said Jack Hopkins »Is it Bob«
»Nothing at all« replied Mr Bob Sawyer
»By the bye Bob« said Hopkins with a scarcely perceptible glance at Mr
Pickwicks attentive face »we had a curious accident last night A child was
brought in who had swallowed a necklace«
»Swallowed what sir« interrupted Mr Pickwick
»A necklace« replied Jack Hopkins »Not all at once you know that would
be too much you couldnt swallow that if the child did eh Mr Pickwick
ha ha« Mr Hopkins appeared highly gratified with his own pleasantry and
continued »No the way was this Childs parents were poor people who lived in
a court Childs eldest sister bought a necklace common necklace made of large
black wooden beads Child being fond of toys cribbed the necklace hid it
played with it cut the string and swallowed a bead Child thought it capital
fun went back next day and swallowed another bead«
»Bless my heart« said Mr Pickwick »what a dreadful thing I beg your
pardon sir Go on«
»Next day child swallowed two beads the day after that he treated himself
to three and so on till in a weeks time he had got through the necklace
fiveandtwenty beads in all The sister who was an industrious girl and
seldom treated herself to a bit of finery cried her eyes out at the loss of
the necklace looked high and low for it but I neednt say didnt find it A
few days afterwards the family were at dinner baked shoulder of mutton and
potatoes under it the child who wasnt hungry was playing about the room
when suddenly there was heard a devil of a noise like a small hail storm Dont
do that my boy said the father I aint a doin nothing said the child Well
dont do it again said the father There was a short silence and then the
noise began again worse than ever If you dont mind what I say my boy said
the father youll find yourself in bed in something less than a pigs whisper
He gave the child a shake to make him obedient and such a rattling ensued as
nobody ever heard before Why damme its in the child said the father hes
got the croup in the wrong place No I havent father said the child
beginning to cry its the necklace I swallowed it father The father caught
the child up and ran with him to the hospital the beads in the boys stomach
rattling all the way with the jolting and the people looking up in the air and
down in the cellars to see where the unusual sound came from Hes in the
hospital now« said Jack Hopkins »and he makes such a devil of a noise when he
walks about that theyre obliged to muffle him in a watchmans coat for fear
he should wake the patients«
»Thats the most extraordinary case I ever heard of« said Mr Pickwick
with an emphatic blow on the table
»Oh thats nothing« said Jack Hopkins »is it Bob«
»Certainly not« replied Mr Bob Sawyer
»Very singular things occur in our profession I can assure you sir« said
Hopkins
»So I should be disposed to imagine« replied Mr Pickwick
Another knock at the door announced a largeheaded young man in a black
wig who brought with him a scorbutic youth in a long stock The next comer was
a gentleman in a shirt emblazoned with pink anchors who was closely followed by
a pale youth with a plated watchguard The arrival of a prim personage in clean
linen and cloth boots rendered the party complete The little table with the
green baize cover was wheeled out the first instalment of punch was brought in
in a white jug and the succeeding three hours were devoted to vingtetun at
sixpence a dozen which was only once interrupted by a slight dispute between
the scorbutic youth and the gentleman with the pink anchors in the course of
which the scorbutic youth intimated a burning desire to pull the nose of the
gentleman with the emblems of hope in reply to which that individual expressed
his decided unwillingness to accept of any sauce on gratuitous terms either
from the irascible young gentleman with the scorbutic countenance or any other
person who was ornamented with a head
When the last natural had been declared and the profit and loss account of
fish and sixpences adjusted to the satisfaction of all parties Mr Bob Sawyer
rang for supper and the visitors squeezed themselves into corners while it was
getting ready
It was not so easily got ready as some people may imagine First of all it
was necessary to awaken the girl who had fallen asleep with her face on the
kitchen table this took a little time and even when she did answer the bell
another quarter of an hour was consumed in fruitless endeavours to impart to her
a faint and distant glimmering of reason. The man to whom the order for the
oysters had been sent had not been told to open them it is a very difficult
thing to open an oyster with a limp knife or a twopronged fork and very little
was done in this way Very little of the beef was done either and the ham
which was also from the Germansausage shop round the corner was in a similar
predicament However there was plenty of porter in a tin can and the cheese
went a great way for it was very strong So upon the whole perhaps the supper
was quite as good as such matters usually are
After supper another jug of punch was put upon the table together with a
paper of cigars and a couple of bottles of spirits Then there was an awful
pause and this awful pause was occasioned by a very common occurrence in this
sort of places but a very embarrassing one notwithstanding
The fact is the girl was washing the glasses The establishment boasted
four we do not record the circumstance as at all derogatory to Mrs Raddle for
there never was a lodginghouse yet that was not short of glasses The
landladys glasses were little thin blown glass tumblers and those which had
been borrowed from the publichouse were great dropsical bloated articles
each supported on a huge gouty leg This would have been in itself sufficient to
have possessed the company with the real state of affairs but the young woman
of all work had prevented the possibility of any misconception arising in the
mind of any gentleman upon the subject by forcibly dragging every mans glass
away long before he had finished his beer and audibly stating despite the
winks and interruptions of Mr Bob Sawyer that it was to be conveyed down
stairs and washed forthwith
It is a very ill wind that blows nobody any good The prim man in the cloth
boots who had been unsuccessfully attempting to make a joke during the whole
time the round game lasted saw his opportunity and availed himself of it The
instant the glasses disappeared he commenced a long story about a great public
character whose name he had forgotten making a particularly happy reply to
another eminent and illustrious individual whom he had never been able to
identify He enlarged at some length and with great minuteness upon divers
collateral circumstances distantly connected with the anecdote in hand but for
the life of him he couldnt recollect at that precise moment what the anecdote
was although he had been in the habit of telling the story with great applause
for the last ten years
»Dear me« said the prim man in the cloth boots »it is a very extraordinary
circumstance«
»I am sorry you have forgotten it« said Mr Bob Sawyer glancing eagerly at
the door as he thought he heard the noise of glasses jingling »very sorry«
»So am I« responded the prim man »because I know it would have afforded so
much amusement Never mind I dare say I shall manage to recollect it in the
course of halfanhour or so«
The prim man arrived at this point just as the glasses came back when Mr
Bob Sawyer who had been absorbed in attention during the whole time said he
should very much like to hear the end of it for so far as it went it was
without exception the very best story he had ever heard
The sight of the tumblers restored Bob Sawyer to a degree of equanimity
which he had not possessed since his interview with his landlady His face
brightened up and he began to feel quite convivial
»Now Betsy« said Mr Bob Sawyer with great suavity and dispersing at
the same time the tumultuous little mob of glasses the girl had collected in
the centre of the table »now Betsy the warm water be brisk theres a good
girl«
»You cant have no warm water« replied Betsy
»No warm water« exclaimed Mr Bob Sawyer
»No« said the girl with a shake of the head which expressed a more decided
negative than the most copious language could have conveyed »Missis Raddle said
you warnt to have none«
The surprise depicted on the countenances of his guests imparted new courage
to the host
»Bring up the warm water instantly instantly« said Mr Bob Sawyer with
desperate sternness
»No I cant« replied the girl »Missis Raddle raked out the kitchen fire
afore she went to bed and locked up the kittle«
»Oh never mind never mind Pray dont disturb yourself about such a
trifle« said Mr Pickwick observing the conflict of Bob Sawyers passions as
depicted in his countenance »cold water will do very well«
»Oh admirably« said Mr Benjamin Allen
»My landlady is subject to some slight attacks of mental derangement«
remarked Bob Sawyer with a ghastly smile »And I fear I must give her warning«
»No dont« said Ben Allen
»I fear I must« said Bob with heroic firmness »Ill pay her what I owe
her and give her warning tomorrow morning« Poor fellow how devoutly he
wished he could
Mr Bob Sawyers heartsickening attempts to rally under this last blow
communicated a dispiriting influence to the company the greater part of whom
with the view of raising their spirits attached themselves with extra
cordiality to the cold brandy and water the first perceptible effects of which
were displayed in a renewal of hostilities between the scorbutic youth and the
gentleman in the shirt The belligerents vented their feelings of mutual
contempt for some time in a variety of frownings and snortings until at last
the scorbutic youth felt it necessary to come to a more explicit understanding
on the matter when the following clear understanding took place
»Sawyer« said the scorbutic youth in a loud voice
»Well Noddy« replied Mr Bob Sawyer
»I should be very sorry Sawyer« said Mr Noddy »to create any
unpleasantness at any friends table and much less at yours Sawyer very but
I must take this opportunity of informing Mr Gunter that he is no gentleman«
»And I should be very sorry Sawyer to create any disturbance in the street
in which you reside« said Mr Gunter »but Im afraid I shall be under the
necessity of alarming the neighbours by throwing the person who has just spoken
out o window«
»What do you mean by that sir« inquired Mr Noddy
»What I say sir« replied Mr Gunter
»I should like to see you do it sir« said Mr Noddy
»You shall feel me do it in half a minute sir« replied Mr Gunter
»I request that youll favour me with your card sir« said Mr Noddy
»Ill do nothing of the kind sir« replied Mr Gunter
»Why not sir« inquired Mr Noddy
»Because youll stick it up over your chimneypiece and delude your
visitors into the false belief that a gentleman has been to see you sir«
replied Mr Gunter
»Sir a friend of mine shall wait on you in the morning« said Mr Noddy
»Sir Im very much obliged to you for the caution and Ill leave
particular directions with the servant to lock up the spoons« replied Mr
Gunter
At this point the remainder of the guests interposed and remonstrated with
both parties on the impropriety of their conduct on which Mr Noddy begged to
state that his father was quite as respectable as Mr Gunters father to which
Mr Gunter replied that his father was to the full as respectable as Mr Noddys
father and that his fathers son was as good a man as Mr Noddy any day in the
week As this announcement seemed the prelude to a recommencement of the
dispute there was another interference on the part of the company and a vast
quantity of talking and clamouring ensued in the course of which Mr Noddy
gradually allowed his feelings to overpower him and professed that he had ever
entertained a devoted personal attachment towards Mr Gunter To this Mr Gunter
replied that upon the whole he rather preferred Mr Noddy to his own brother
on hearing which admission Mr Noddy magnanimously rose from his seat and
proffered his hand to Mr Gunter Mr Gunter grasped it with affecting fervour
and everybody said that the whole dispute had been conducted in a manner which
was highly honourable to both parties concerned
»Now« said Jack Hopkins »just to set us going again Bob I dont mind
singing a song« And Hopkins incited thereto by tumultuous applause plunged
himself at once into »The King God bless him« which he sang as loud as he
could to a novel air compounded of the »Bay of Biscay« and »A Frog he would«
The chorus was the essence of the song and as each gentleman sang it to the
tune he knew best the effect was very striking indeed
It was at the end of the chorus to the first verse that Mr Pickwick held
up his hand in a listening attitude and said as soon as silence was restored
»Hush I beg your pardon I thought I heard somebody calling from up
stairs«
A profound silence immediately ensued and Mr Bob Sawyer was observed to
turn pale
»I think I hear it now« said Mr Pickwick »Have the goodness to open the
door«
The door was no sooner opened than all doubt on the subject was removed
»Mr Sawyer Mr Sawyer« screamed a voice from the twopair landing
»Its my landlady« said Bob Sawyer looking round him with great dismay
»Yes Mrs Raddle«
»What do you mean by this Mr Sawyer« replied the voice with great
shrillness and rapidity of utterance »Aint it enough to be swindled out of
ones rent and money lent out of pocket besides and abused and insulted by
your friends that dares to call themselves men without having the house turned
out of window and noise enough made to bring the fireengines here at two
oclock in the morning Turn them wretches away«
»You ought to be ashamed of yourselves« said the voice of Mr Raddle which
appeared to proceed from beneath some distant bedclothes
»Ashamed of themselves« said Mrs Raddle »Why dont you go down and knock
em every one down stairs You would if you was a man«
»I should if I was a dozen men my dear« replied Mr Raddle pacifically
»but theyve the advantage of me in numbers my dear«
»Ugh you coward« replied Mrs Raddle with supreme contempt »Do you mean
to turn them wretches out or not Mr Sawyer«
»Theyre going Mrs Raddle theyre going« said the miserable Bob »I am
afraid youd better go« said Mr Bob Sawyer to his friends »I thought you were
making too much noise«
»Its a very unfortunate thing« said the prim man »Just as we were getting
so comfortable too« The prim man was just beginning to have a dawning
recollection of the story he had forgotten
»Its hardly to be borne« said the prim man looking round »Hardly to be
borne is it«
»Not to be endured« replied Jack Hopkins »lets have the other verse Bob
Come here goes«
»No no Jack dont« interposed Bob Sawyer »its a capital song but I am
afraid we had better not have the other verse They are very violent people the
people of the house«
»Shall I step up stairs and pitch into the landlord« inquired Hopkins »or
keep on ringing the bell or go and groan on the staircase You may command me
Bob«
»I am very much indebted to you for your friendship and good nature
Hopkins« said the wretched Mr Bob Sawyer »but I think the best plan to avoid
any further dispute is for us to break up at once«
»Now Mr Sawyer« screamed the shrill voice of Mrs Raddle »are them
brutes going«
»Theyre only looking for their hats Mrs Raddle« said Bob »they are
going directly«
»Going« said Mrs Raddle thrusting her nightcap over the banisters just
as Mr Pickwick followed by Mr Tupman emerged from the sittingroom »Going
what did they ever come for«
»My dear maam« remonstrated Mr Pickwick looking up
»Get along with you you old wretch« replied Mrs Raddle hastily
withdrawing the nightcap »Old enough to be his grandfather you willin Youre
worse than any of em«
Mr Pickwick found it in vain to protest his innocence so hurried down
stairs into the street whither he was closely followed by Mr Tupman Mr
Winkle and Mr Snodgrass Mr Ben Allen who was dismally depressed with
spirits and agitation accompanied them as far as London Bridge and in the
course of the walk confided to Mr Winkle as an especially eligible person to
intrust the secret to that he was resolved to cut the throat of any gentleman
except Mr Bob Sawyer who should aspire to the affections of his sister
Arabella Having expressed his determination to perform this painful duty of a
brother with proper firmness he burst into tears knocked his hat over his
eyes and making the best of his way back knocked double knocks at the door of
the Borough Market office and took short naps on the steps alternately until
daybreak under the firm impression that he lived there and had forgotten the
key
The visitors having all departed in compliance with the rather pressing
request of Mrs Raddle the luckless Mr Bob Sawyer was left alone to meditate
on the probable events of tomorrow and the pleasures of the evening
Chapter XXXIII
Mr Weller the Elder Delivers Some Critical Sentiments Respecting Literary
Composition and Assisted by His Son Samuel Pays a Small Instalment of
Retaliation to the Account of the Reverend Gentleman with the Red Nose
The morning of the thirteenth of February which the readers of this authentic
narrative know as well as we do to have been the day immediately preceding
that which was appointed for the trial of Mrs Bardells action was a busy time
for Mr Samuel Weller who was perpetually engaged in travelling from the George
and Vulture to Mr Perkers chambers and back again from and between the hours
of nine oclock in the morning and two in the afternoon both inclusive Not
that there was anything whatever to be done for the consultation had taken
place and the course of proceeding to be adopted had been finally determined
on but Mr Pickwick being in a most extreme state of excitement persevered in
constantly sending small notes to his attorney merely containing the inquiry
»Dear Perker Is all going on well« to which Mr Perker invariably forwarded
the reply »Dear Pickwick As well as possible« the fact being as we have
already hinted that there was nothing whatever to go on either well or ill
until the sitting of the court on the following morning
But people who go voluntarily to law or are taken forcibly there for the
first time may be allowed to labour under some temporary irritation and
anxiety and Sam with a due allowance for the frailties of human nature obeyed
all his masters behests with that imperturbable good humour and unruffable
composure which formed one of his most striking and amiable characteristics
Sam had solaced himself with a most agreeable little dinner and was waiting
at the bar for the glass of warm mixture in which Mr Pickwick had requested him
to drown the fatigues of his mornings walks when a young boy of about three
feet high or thereabouts in a hairy cap and fustian overalls whose garb
bespoke a laudable ambition to attain in time the elevation of an hostler
entered the passage of the George and Vulture and looked first up the stairs
and then along the passage and then into the bar as if in search of somebody
to whom he bore a commission whereupon the barmaid conceiving it not
improbable that the said commission might be directed to the tea or table spoons
of the establishment accosted the boy with
»Now young man what do you want«
»Is there anybody here named Sam« inquired the youth in a loud voice of
treble quality
»Whats the tother name« said Sam Weller looking round
»How should I know« briskly replied the young gentleman below the hairy
cap
»Youre a sharp boy you are« said Mr Weller »only I wouldnt show that
wery fine edge too much if I was you in case anybody took it off What do you
mean by comin to a hotel and asking arter Sam vith as much politeness as a
vild Indian«
»Cos an old genlmn told me to« replied the boy
»What old genlmn« inquired Sam with deep disdain
»Him as drives a Ipswich coach and uses our parlour« rejoined the boy »He
told me yesterday mornin to come to the George and Wultur this arteroon and
ask for Sam«
»Its my father my dear« said Mr Weller turning with an explanatory air
to the young lady in the bar »blessed if I think he hardly knows wot my other
name is Vell young brockiley sprout wot then«
»Why then« said the boy »you was to come to him at six oclock to our
ouse cos he wants to see you Blue Boar Leadenall Markit Shall I say
youre comin«
»You may wenture on that ere statement sir« replied Sam And thus
empowered the young gentleman walked away awakening all the echoes in George
Yard as he did so with several chaste and extremely correct imitations of a
drovers whistle delivered in a tone of peculiar richness and volume
Mr Weller having obtained leave of absence from Mr Pickwick who in his
then state of excitement and worry was by no means displeased at being left
alone set forth long before the appointed hour and having plenty of time at
his disposal sauntered down as far as the Mansion House where he paused and
contemplated with a face of great calmness and philosophy the numerous cads
and drivers of short stages who assemble near that famous place of resort to
the great terror and confusion of the oldlady population of these realms
Having loitered here for half an hour or so Mr Weller turned and began
wending his way towards Leadenhall Market through a variety of bye streets and
courts As he was sauntering away his spare time and stopped to look at almost
every object that met his gaze it is by no means surprising that Mr Weller
should have paused before a small stationers and printsellers window but
without further explanation it does appear surprising that his eyes should have
no sooner rested on certain pictures which were exposed for sale therein than
he gave a sudden start smote his right leg with great vehemence and exclaimed
with energy »If it hadnt been for this I should ha forgot all about it till
it was too late«
The particular picture on which Sam Wellers eyes were fixed as he said
this was a highly coloured representation of a couple of human hearts skewered
together with an arrow cooking before a cheerful fire while a male and female
cannibal in modern attire the gentleman being clad in a blue coat and white
trousers and the lady in a deep red pelisse with a parasol of the same were
approaching the meal with hungry eyes up a serpentine gravel path leading
thereunto A decidedly indelicate young gentleman in a pair of wings and
nothing else was depicted as superintending the cooking a representation of
the spire of the church in Langham Place London appeared in the distance and
the whole formed a valentine of which as a written inscription in the window
testified there was a large assortment within which the shopkeeper pledged
himself to dispose of to his countrymen generally at the reduced rate of one
and sixpence each
»I should ha forgot it I should certainly ha forgot it« said Sam so
saying he at once stepped into the stationers shop and requested to be served
with a sheet of the best giltedged letterpaper and a hardnibbed pen which
could be warranted not to splutter These articles having been promptly
supplied he walked on direct towards Leadenhall Market at a good round pace
very different from his recent lingering one Looking round him he there beheld
a signboard on which the painters art had delineated something remotely
resembling a cerulean elephant with an aquiline nose in lieu of trunk Rightly
conjecturing that this was the Blue Boar himself he stepped into the house and
inquired concerning his parent
»He wont be here this three quarters of an hour or more« said the young
lady who superintended the domestic arrangements of the Blue Boar
»Wery good my dear« replied Sam »Let me have nine pennorth o brandy
and water luke and the inkstand will you miss«
The brandy and water luke and the inkstand having been carried into the
little parlour and the young lady having carefully flattened down the coals to
prevent their blazing and carried away the poker to preclude the possibility of
the fire being stirred without the full privity and concurrence of the Blue
Boar being first had and obtained Sam Weller sat himself down in a box near the
stove and pulled out the sheet of giltedged letterpaper and the hardnibbed
pen Then looking carefully at the pen to see that there were no hairs in it
and dusting down the table so that there might be no crumbs of bread under the
paper Sam tucked up the cuffs of his coat squared his elbows and composed
himself to write
To ladies and gentlemen who are not in the habit of devoting themselves
practically to the science of penmanship writing a letter is no very easy task
it being always considered necessary in such cases for the writer to recline his
head on his left arm so as to place his eyes as nearly as possible on a level
with the paper while glancing sideways at the letters he is constructing to
form with his tongue imaginary characters to correspond These motions although
unquestionably of the greatest assistance to original composition retard in
some degree the progress of the writer and Sam had unconsciously been a full
hour and a half writing words in small text smearing out wrong letters with his
little finger and putting in new ones which required going over very often to
render them visible through the old blots when he was roused by the opening of
the door and the entrance of his parent
»Vell Sammy« said the father
»Vell my Prooshan Blue« responded the son laying down his pen »Whats
the last bulletin about motherinlaw«
»Mrs Veller passed a very good night but is uncommon perwerse and
unpleasant this mornin Signed upon oath S Veller Esquire Senior Thats
the last vun as was issued Sammy« replied Mr Weller untying his shawl
»No better yet« inquired Sam
»All the symptoms aggerawated« replied Mr Weller shaking his head »But
wots that youre a doin of Pursuit of knowledge under difficulties Sammy«
»Ive done now« said Sam with slight embarrassment »Ive been a writin«
»So I see« replied Mr Weller »Not to any young ooman I hope Sammy«
»Why its no use a sayin it aint« replied Sam »Its a walentine«
»A what« exclaimed Mr Weller apparently horrorstricken by the word
»A walentine« replied Sam
»Samivel Samivel« said Mr Weller in reproachful accents »I didnt think
youd ha done it Arter the warnin youve had o your fathers wicious
propensities arter all Ive said to you upon this here wery subject arter
actiwally seein and bein in the company o your own motherinlaw vich I
should ha thought wos a moral lesson as no man could never ha forgotten to his
dyin day I didnt think youd ha done it Sammy I didnt think youd ha
done it« These reflections were too much for the good old man He raised Sams
tumbler to his lips and drank off its contents
»Wots the matter now« said Sam
»Nevr mind Sammy« replied Mr Weller »itll be a wery agonizin trial to
me at my time of life but Im pretty tough thats vun consolation as the wery
old turkey remarked wen the farmer said he wos afeerd he should be obliged to
kill him for the London market«
»Wotll be a trial« inquired Sam
»To see you married Sammy to see you a dilluded wictim and thinkin in
your innocence that its all wery capital« replied Mr Weller »Its a dreadful
trial to a fathers feelins that ere Sammy«
»Nonsense« said Sam »I aint a goin to get married dont you fret
yourself about that I know youre a judge of these things Order in your pipe
and Ill read you the letter There«
We cannot distinctly say whether it was the prospect of the pipe or the
consolatory reflection that a fatal disposition to get married ran in the family
and couldnt be helped which calmed Mr Wellers feelings and caused his grief
to subside We should be rather disposed to say that the result was attained by
combining the two sources of consolation for he repeated the second in a low
tone very frequently ringing the bell meanwhile to order in the first He
then divested himself of his upper coat and lighting the pipe and placing
himself in front of the fire with his back towards it so that he could feel its
full heat and recline against the mantelpiece at the same time turned towards
Sam and with a countenance greatly mollified by the softening influence of
tobacco requested him to »fire away«
Sam dipped his pen into the ink to be ready for any corrections and began
with a very theatrical air
»Lovely «
»Stop« said Mr Weller ringing the bell »A double glass o the
inwariable my dear«
»Very well sir« replied the girl who with great quickness appeared
vanished returned and disappeared
»They seem to know your ways here« observed Sam
»Yes« replied his father »Ive been here before in my time Go on
Sammy«
»Lovely creetur« repeated Sam
»Taint in poetry is it« interposed his father
»No no« replied Sam
»Werry glad to hear it« said Mr Weller »Poetrys unnatral no man ever
talked poetry cept a beadle on boxin day or Warrens blackin or Rowlands
oil or some o them low fellows never you let yourself down to talk poetry my
boy Begin agin Sammy«
Mr Weller resumed his pipe with critical solemnity and Sam once more
commenced and read as follows
»Lovely creetur i feel myself a dammed «
»That aint proper« said Mr Weller taking his pipe from his mouth
»No it aint dammed« observed Sam holding the letter up to the light
»its shamed theres a blot there I feel myself ashamed«
»Werry good« said Mr Weller »Go on«
»Feel myself ashamed and completely cir I forget what this here word is«
said Sam scratching his head with the pen in vain attempts to remember
»Why dont you look at it then« inquired Mr Weller
»So I am a lookin at it« replied Sam »but theres another blot Heres a
c, and a i and a d«
»Circumwented phaps« suggested Mr Weller
»No it aint that« said Sam »circumscribed thats it«
»That aint as good a word as circumwented Sammy« said Mr Weller
gravely
»Think not« said Sam
»Nothin like it« replied his father
»But dont you think it means more« inquired Sam
»Vell praps it is a more tenderer word« said Mr Weller after a few
moments reflection »Go on Sammy«
»Feel myself ashamed and completely circumscribed in a dressin of you for
you are a nice gal and nothin but it«
»Thats a werry pretty sentiment« said the elder Mr Weller removing his
pipe to make way for the remark
»Yes I think it is rayther good« observed Sam highly flattered
»Wot I like in that ere style of writin« said the elder Mr Weller »is
that there aint no callin names in it no Wenuses nor nothin o that kind
Wots the good o callin a young ooman a Wenus or a angel Sammy«
»Ah what indeed« replied Sam
»You might jist as well call her a griffin or a unicorn or a kings arms
at once which is werry well known to be a collection o fabulous animals«
added Mr Weller
»Just as well« replied Sam
»Drive on Sammy« said Mr Weller
Sam complied with the request and proceeded as follows his father
continuing to smoke with a mixed expression of wisdom and complacency which
was particularly edifying
»Afore I see you I thought all women was alike«
»So they are« observed the elder Mr Weller parenthetically
»But now continued Sam now I find what a reglar softheaded inkredlous
turnip I must ha been for there aint nobody like you though I like you
better than nothin at all I thought it best to make that rayther strong« said
Sam looking up
Mr Weller nodded approvingly and Sam resumed
»So I take the privilidge of the day Mary my dear as the genlmn in
difficulties did ven he valked out of a Sunday to tell you that the first
and only time I see you your likeness was took on my hart in much quicker time
and brighter colours than ever a likeness was took by the profeel macheen wich
praps you may have heerd on Mary my dear altho it does finish a portrait and
put the frame and glass on complete with a hook at the end to hang it up by
and all in two minutes and a quarter«
»I am afeerd that werges on the poetical Sammy« said Mr Weller
dubiously
»No it dont« replied Sam reading on very quickly to avoid contesting the
point
»Except of me Mary my dear as your walentine and think over what Ive said
My dear Mary I will now conclude Thats all« said Sam
»Thats rather a sudden pull up aint it Sammy« inquired Mr Weller
»Not a bit on it« said Sam »shell vish there wos more and thats the
great art o letter writin«
»Well« said Mr Weller »theres somethin in that and I wish your
motherinlaw ud only conduct her conwersation on the same genteel principle
Aint you a goin to sign it«
»Thats the difficulty« said Sam »I dont know what to sign it«
»Sign it Veller« said the oldest surviving proprietor of that name
»Wont do« said Sam »Never sign a walentine with your own name«
»Sign it Pickvick then« said Mr Weller »its a werry good name and a
easy one to spell«
»The wery thing« said Sam »I could end with a werse what do you think«
»I dont like it Sam« rejoined Mr Weller »I never knowd a respectable
coachman as wrote poetry cept one as made an affectin copy o werses the
night afore he wos hung for a highway robbery and he wos only a Cambervell man
so even thats no rule«
But Sam was not to be dissuaded from the poetical idea that had occurred to
him so he signed the letter
»Your lovesick
Pickwick«
And having folded it in a very intricate manner squeezed a downhill direction
in one corner »To Mary Housemaid at Mr Nupkinss Mayors Ipswich Suffolk«
and put it into his pocket wafered and ready for the General Post This
important business having been transacted Mr Weller the elder proceeded to
open that on which he had summoned his son
»The first matter relates to your governor Sammy« said Mr Weller »Hes a
goin to be tried tomorrow aint he«
»The trials a comin on« replied Sam
»Vell« said Mr Weller »Now I spose hell want to call some witnesses to
speak to his character or phaps to prove a alleybi Ive been a turnin the
bisness over in my mind and he may make hisself easy Sammy Ive got some
friends asll do either for him but my adwice ud be this here never mind the
character and stick to the alleybi Nothing like a alleybi Sammy nothing«
Mr Weller looked very profound as he delivered this legal opinion and burying
his nose in his tumbler winked over the top thereof at his astonished son
»Why what do you mean« said Sam »you dont think hes a goin to be tried
at the Old Bailey do you«
»That aint no part of the present consideration Sammy« replied Mr
Weller »Verever hes a goin to be tried my boy a alleybis the thing to get
him off Ve got Tom Vildspark off that ere manslaughter with a alleybi ven
all the big vigs to a man said as nothing couldnt save him And my pinion is
Sammy that if your governor dont prove a alleybi hell be what the Italians
call reglarly flummoxed and thats all about it«
As the elder Mr Weller entertained a firm and unalterable conviction that
the Old Bailey was the supreme court of judicature in this country and that its
rules and forms of proceeding regulated and controlled the practice of all other
courts of justice whatsoever he totally disregarded the assurances and
arguments of his son tending to show that the alibi was inadmissible and
vehemently protested that Mr Pickwick was being wictimised Finding that it was
of no use to discuss the matter further Sam changed the subject and inquired
what the second topic was on which his revered parent wished to consult him
»Thats a pint o domestic policy Sammy« said Mr Weller »This here
Stiggins «
»Rednosed man« inquired Sam
»The wery same« replied Mr Weller »This here rednosed man Sammy wisits
your motherinlaw vith a kindness and constancy as I never see equalled Hes
sitch a friend o the family Sammy that wen hes avay from us he cant be
comfortable unless he has somethin to remember us by«
»And Id give him somethin as ud turpentine and beesvax his memory for
the next ten years or so if I wos you« interposed Sam
»Stop a minute« said Mr Weller »I wos a going to say he always brings
now a flat bottle as holds about a pint and ahalf and fills it vith the
pineapple rum afore he goes avay«
»And empties it afore he comes back I spose« said Sam
»Clean« replied Mr Weller »never leaves nothin in it but the cork and
the smell trust him for that Sammy Now these here fellows my boy are a
goin tonight to get up the monthly meetin o the Brick Lane Branch o the
United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association Your motherinlaw wos a
goin Sammy but shes got the rheumatics and cant and I Sammy Ive got
the two tickets as wos sent her« Mr Weller communicated this secret with great
glee and winked so indefatigably after doing so that Sam began to think he
must have got the tic doloureux in his right eyelid
»Well« said that young gentleman
»Well« continued his progenitor looking round him very cautiously »you
and Ill go punctiwal to the time The deputy shepherd wont Sammy the deputy
shepherd wont« Here Mr Weller was seized with a paroxysm of chuckles which
gradually terminated in as near an approach to a choke as an elderly gentleman
can with safety sustain
»Well I never see sitch an old ghost in all my born days« exclaimed Sam
rubbing the old gentlemans back hard enough to set him on fire with the
friction »What are you a laughin at corpilence«
»Hush Sammy« said Mr Weller looking round him with increased caution
and speaking in a whisper »Two friends o mine as works the Oxford Road and
is up to all kinds o games has got the deputy shepherd safe in tow Sammy and
ven he does come to the Ebenezer Junction vich hes sure to do for theyll
see him to the door and shove him in if necessary hell be as far gone in rum
and water as ever he wos at the Markis o Granby Dorkin and thats not sayin
a little neither« And with this Mr Weller once more laughed immoderately and
once more relapsed into a state of partial suffocation in consequence
Nothing could have been more in accordance with Sam Wellers feelings than
the projected exposure of the real propensities and qualities of the rednosed
man and it being very near the appointed hour of meeting the father and son
took their way at once to Brick Lane Sam not forgetting to drop his letter into
a general postoffice as they walked along
The monthly meetings of the Brick Lane Branch of the United Grand Junction
Ebenezer Temperance Association were held in a large room pleasantly and
airily situated at the top of a safe and commodious ladder The president was
the straightwalking Mr Anthony Humm a converted fireman now a schoolmaster
and occasionally an itinerant preacher and the secretary was Mr Jonas Mudge
chandlers shopkeeper an enthusiastic and disinterested vessel who sold tea
to the members Previous to the commencement of business the ladies sat upon
forms and drank tea till such time as they considered it expedient to leave
off and a large wooden moneybox was conspicuously placed upon the green baize
cloth of the business table behind which the secretary stood and acknowledged
with a gracious smile every addition to the rich vein of copper which lay
concealed within
On this particular occasion the women drank tea to a most alarming extent
greatly to the horror of Mr Weller senior who utterly regardless of all Sams
admonitory nudgings stared about him in every direction with the most
undisguised astonishment
»Sammy« whispered Mr Weller »if some o these here people dont want
tappin tomorrow mornin I aint your father and thats wot it is Why this
here old lady next me is a drowndin herself in tea«
»Be quiet cant you« murmured Sam
»Sam« whispered Mr Weller a moment afterwards in a tone of deep
agitation »mark my vords my boy If that ere secretary fellow keeps on for
only five minutes more hell blow hisself up with toast and water«
»Well let him if he likes« replied Sam »it aint no bisness o yourn«
»If this here lasts much longer Sammy« said Mr Weller in the same low
voice »I shall feel it my duty as a human bein to rise and address the
cheer Theres a young ooman on the next form but two as has drunk nine
breakfast cups and a half and shes a swellin wisibly before my wery eyes«
There is little doubt that Mr Weller would have carried his benevolent
intention into immediate execution if a great noise occasioned by putting up
the cups and saucers had not very fortunately announced that the teadrinking
was over The crockery having been removed the table with the green baize cover
was carried out into the centre of the room and the business of the evening was
commenced by a little emphatic man with a bald head and drab shorts who
suddenly rushed up the ladder at the imminent peril of snapping the two little
legs encased in the drab shorts and said
»Ladies and gentlemen I move our excellent brother Mr Anthony Humm into
the chair«
The ladies waved a choice collection of pockethandkerchiefs at this
proposition and the impetuous little man literally moved Mr Humm into the
chair by taking him by the shoulders and thrusting him into a mahoganyframe
which had once represented that article of furniture The waving of
handkerchiefs was renewed and Mr Humm who was a sleek whitefaced man in a
perpetual perspiration bowed meekly to the great admiration of the females
and formally took his seat Silence was then proclaimed by the little man in the
drab shorts and Mr Humm rose and said That with the permission of his Brick
Lane Branch brothers and sisters then and there present the secretary would
read the report of the Brick Lane Branch committee a proposition which was
again received with a demonstration of pockethandkerchiefs
The secretary having sneezed in a very impressive manner and the cough
which always seizes an assembly when anything particular is going to be done
having been duly performed the following document was read
»Report of the Committee of the Brick Lane Branch of the United Grand Junction
Ebenezer Temperance Association
Your committee have pursued their grateful labours during the past month and
have the unspeakable pleasure of reporting the following additional cases of
converts to Temperance
H Walker tailor wife and two children When in better circumstances
owns to having been in the constant habit of drinking ale and beer says he is
not certain whether he did not twice a week for twenty years taste dogs nose
which your committee find upon inquiry to be compounded of warm porter moist
sugar gin and nutmeg a groan and So it is from an elderly female Is now
out of work and pennyless thinks it must be the porter cheers or the loss of
the use of his right hand is not certain which but thinks it very likely that
if he had drank nothing but water all his life his fellow workman would never
have stuck a rusty needle in him and thereby occasioned his accident
tremendous cheering Has nothing but cold water to drink and never feels
thirsty great applause
Betsy Martin widow one child and one eye Goes out charing and washing
by the day never had more than one eye but knows her mother drank bottled
stout and shouldnt wonder if that caused it immense cheering Thinks it not
impossible that if she had always abstained from spirits she might have had two
eyes by this time tremendous applause Used at every place she went to to
have eighteen pence a day a pint of porter and a glass of spirits but since
she became a member of the Brick Lane Branch has always demanded three and
sixpence instead the announcement of this most interesting fact was received
with deafening enthusiasm
Henry Beller was for many years toastmaster at various corporation dinners
during which time he drank a great deal of foreign wine may sometimes have
carried a bottle or two home with him is not quite certain of that but is sure
if he did that he drank the contents Feels very low and melancholy is very
feverish and has a constant thirst upon him thinks it must be the wine he used
to drink cheers Is out of employ now and never touches a drop of foreign
wine by any chance tremendous plaudits
Thomas Burton is purveyor of cats meat to the Lord Mayor and Sheriffs and
several members of the Common Council the announcement of this gentlemans name
was received with breathless interest Has a wooden leg finds a wooden leg
expensive going over the stones used to wear secondhand wooden legs and
drink a glass of hot gin and water regularly every night sometimes two deep
sighs Found the secondhand wooden legs split and rot very quickly is firmly
persuaded that their constitution was undermined by the gin and water prolonged
cheering Buys new wooden legs now and drinks nothing but water and weak tea
The new legs last twice as long as the others used to do and he attributes this
solely to his temperate habits triumphant cheers«
Anthony Humm now moved that the assembly do regale itself with a song With
a view to their rational and moral enjoyment brother Mordlin had adapted the
beautiful words of »Who hasnt heard of a Jolly Young Waterman« to the tune of
the Old Hundredth which he would request them to join him in singing great
applause He might take that opportunity of expressing his firm persuasion that
the late Mr Dibdin seeing the errors of his former life had written that song
to show the advantages of abstinence It was a temperance song whirlwinds of
cheers The neatness of the young mans attire the dexterity of his
feathering the enviable state of mind which enabled him in the beautiful words
of the poet to
»Row along thinking of nothing at all«
all combined to prove that he must have been a waterdrinker cheers Oh what
a state of virtuous jollity rapturous cheering And what was the young mans
reward Let all young men present mark this
»The maidens all flockd to his boat so readily«
Loud cheers in which the ladies joined What a bright example The
sisterhood the maidens flocking round the young waterman and urging him along
the stream of duty and of temperance But was it the maidens of humble life
only who soothed consoled and supported him No
»He was always first oars with the fine city ladies«
Immense cheering The soft sex to a man he begged pardon to a female
rallied round the young waterman and turned with disgust from the drinker of
spirits cheers The Brick Lane Branch brothers were watermen cheers and
laughter That room was their boat that audience were the maidens and he Mr
Anthony Humm however unworthily was first oars unbounded applause
»Wot does he mean by the soft sex Sammy« inquired Mr Weller in a
whisper
»The womin« said Sam in the same tone
»He aint far out there Sammy« replied Mr Weller »they must be a soft
sex a wery soft sex indeed if they let themselves be gammoned by such
fellers as him«
Any further observations from the indignant old gentleman were cut short by
the announcement of the song which Mr Anthony Humm gave out two lines at a
time for the information of such of his hearers as were unacquainted with the
legend While it was being sung the little man with the drab shorts
disappeared he returned immediately on its conclusion and whispered Mr
Anthony Humm with a face of the deepest importance
»My friends« said Mr Humm holding up his hand in a deprecatory manner to
bespeak the silence of such of the stout old ladies as were yet a line or two
behind »my friends a delegate from the Dorking branch of our society Brother
Stiggins attends below«
Out came the pockethandkerchiefs again in greater force than ever for Mr
Stiggins was excessively popular among the female constituency of Brick Lane
»He may approach I think« said Mr Humm looking round him with a fat
smile »Brother Tadger let him come forth and greet us«
The little man in the drab shorts who answered to the name of Brother
Tadger bustled down the ladder with great speed and was immediately afterwards
heard tumbling up with the reverend Mr Stiggins
»Hes a comin Sammy« whispered Mr Weller purple in the countenance with
suppressed laughter
»Dont say nothin to me« replied Sam »for I cant bear it Hes close to
the door I heard him aknockin his head again the lath and plaster now«
As Sam Weller spoke the little door flew open and brother Tadger appeared
closely followed by the reverend Mr Stiggins who no sooner entered than there
was a great clapping of hands and stamping of feet and flourishing of
handkerchiefs to all of which manifestations of delight Brother Stiggins
returned no other acknowledgment than staring with a wild eye and a fixed
smile at the extreme top of the wick of the candle on the table swaying his
body to and fro meanwhile in a very unsteady and uncertain manner
»Are you unwell brother Stiggins« whispered Mr Anthony Humm
»I am all right sir« replied Mr Stiggins in a tone in which ferocity was
blended with an extreme thickness of utterance »I am all right sir«
»Oh very well« rejoined Mr Anthony Humm retreating a few paces
»I believe no man here has ventured to say that I am not all right sir«
said Mr Stiggins
»Oh certainly not« said Mr Humm
»I should advise him not to sir I should advise him not« said Mr
Stiggins
By this time the audience were perfectly silent and waited with some
anxiety for the resumption of business
»Will you address the meeting brother« said Mr Humm with a smile of
invitation
»No sir« rejoined Mr Stiggins »No sir I will not sir«
The meeting looked at each other with raised eyelids and a murmur of
astonishment ran through the room
»Its my opinion sir« said Mr Stiggins unbuttoning his coat and
speaking very loudly »its my opinion sir that this meeting is drunk sir
Brother Tadger sir« said Mr Stiggins suddenly increasing in ferocity and
turning sharp round on the little man in the drab shorts »you are drunk sir«
With this Mr Stiggins entertaining a praiseworthy desire to promote the
sobriety of the meeting and to exclude therefrom all improper characters hit
brother Tadger on the summit of the nose with such unerring aim that the drab
shorts disappeared like a flash of lightning Brother Tadger had been knocked
head first down the ladder
Upon this the women set up a loud and dismal screaming and rushing in
small parties before their favourite brothers flung their arms around them to
preserve them from danger An instance of affection which had nearly proved
fatal to Humm who being extremely popular was all but suffocated by the
crowd of female devotees that hung about his neck and heaped caresses upon him
The greater part of the lights were quickly put out and nothing but noise and
confusion resounded on all sides
»Now Sammy« said Mr Weller taking off his great coat with much
deliberation »just you step out and fetch in a watchman«
»And wot are you a goin to do the while« inquired Sam
»Never you mind me Sammy« replied the old gentleman »I shall ockipy
myself in havin a small settlement with that ere Stiggins« Before Sam could
interfere to prevent it his heroic parent had penetrated into a remote corner
of the room and attacked the reverend Mr Stiggins with manual dexterity
»Come off« said Sam
»Come on« cried Mr Weller and without further invitation he gave the
reverend Mr Stiggins a preliminary tap on the head and began dancing round him
in a buoyant and corklike manner which in a gentleman at his time of life was
a perfect marvel to behold
Finding all remonstrance unavailing Sam pulled his hat firmly on threw his
fathers coat over his arm and taking the old man round the waist forcibly
dragged him down the ladder and into the street never releasing his hold or
permitting him to stop until they reached the corner As they gained it they
could hear the shouts of the populace who were witnessing the removal of the
reverend Mr Stiggins to strong lodgings for the night and could hear the noise
occasioned by the dispersion in various directions of the members of the Brick
Lane Branch of the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association
Chapter XXXIV
Is Wholly Devoted to a Full and Faithful Report of the Memorable Trial of
Bardell Against Pickwick
»I wonder what the foreman of the jury whoever hell be has got for
breakfast« said Mr Snodgrass by way of keeping up a conversation on the
eventful morning of the fourteenth of February
»Ah« said Perker »I hope hes got a good one«
»Why so« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Highly important very important my dear sir« replied Perker »A good
contented wellbreakfasted juryman is a capital thing to get hold of
Discontented or hungry jurymen my dear sir always find for the plaintiff«
»Bless my heart« said Mr Pickwick looking very blank »what do they do
that for«
»Why I dont know« replied the little man coolly »saves time I suppose
If its near dinnertime the foreman takes out his watch when the jury has
retired and says Dear me gentlemen ten minutes to five I declare I dine at
five gentlemen So do I says every body else except two men who ought to have
dined at three and seem more than half disposed to stand out in consequence
The foreman smiles and puts up his watch Well gentlemen what do we say,
plaintiff or defendant gentlemen I rather think so far as I am concerned
gentlemen I say I rather think but dont let that influence you I
rather think the plaintiffs the man Upon this two or three other men are sure
to say that they think so too as of course they do and then they get on very
unanimously and comfortably Ten minutes past nine« said the little man
looking at his watch »Time we were off my dear sir breach of promise trial
court is generally full in such cases You had better ring for a coach my dear
sir or we shall be rather late«
Mr Pickwick immediately rang the bell and a coach having been procured
the four Pickwickians and Mr Perker ensconced themselves therein and drove to
Guildhall Sam Weller Mr Lowten and the blue bag following in a cab
»Lowten« said Perker when they reached the outer hall of the court »put
Mr Pickwicks friends in the students box Mr Pickwick himself had better sit
by me This way my dear sir this way« Taking Mr Pickwick by the coatsleeve
the little man led him to the low seat just beneath the desks of the Kings
Counsel which is constructed for the convenience of attorneys who from that
spot can whisper into the ear of the leading counsel in the case any
instructions that may be necessary during the progress of the trial The
occupants of this seat are invisible to the great body of spectators inasmuch
as they sit on a much lower level than either the barristers or the audience
whose seats are raised above the floor Of course they have their backs to both
and their faces towards the judge
»Thats the witnessbox I suppose« said Mr Pickwick pointing to a kind
of pulpit with a brass rail on his left hand
»Thats the witnessbox my dear sir« replied Perker disinterring a
quantity of papers from the blue bag which Lowten had just deposited at his
feet
»And that« said Mr Pickwick pointing to a couple of enclosed seats on his
right »thats where the jurymen sit is it not«
»The identical place my dear sir« replied Perker tapping the lid of his
snuffbox
Mr Pickwick stood up in a state of great agitation and took a glance at
the court There were already a pretty large sprinkling of spectators in the
gallery and a numerous muster of gentlemen in wigs in the barristers seats
who presented as a body all that pleasing and extensive variety of nose and
whisker for which the bar of England is so justly celebrated Such of the
gentlemen as had a brief to carry carried it in as conspicuous a manner as
possible and occasionally scratched their noses therewith to impress the fact
more strongly on the observation of the spectators Other gentlemen who had no
briefs to show carried under their arms goodly octavos with a red label
behind and that underdonepiecrustcoloured cover which is technically known
as law calf Others who had neither briefs nor books thrust their hands into
their pockets and looked as wise as they conveniently could others again
moved here and there with great restlessness and earnestness of manner content
to awaken thereby the admiration and astonishment of the uninitiated strangers
The whole to the great wonderment of Mr Pickwick were divided into little
groups who were chatting and discussing the news of the day in the most
unfeeling manner possible just as if no trial at all were coming on
A bow from Mr Phunky as he entered and took his seat behind the row
appropriated to the Kings Counsel attracted Mr Pickwicks attention and he
had scarcely returned it when Mr Serjeant Snubbin appeared followed by Mr
Mallard who half hid the Serjeant behind a large crimson bag which he placed
on his table and after shaking hands with Perker withdrew Then there entered
two or three more Serjeants and among them one with a fat body and a red face
who nodded in a friendly manner to Mr Serjeant Snubbin and said it was a fine
morning
»Whos that redfaced man who said it was a fine morning and nodded to our
counsel« whispered Mr Pickwick
»Mr Serjeant Buzfuz« replied Perker »Hes opposed to us he leads on the
other side That gentleman behind him is Mr Skimpin his junior«
Mr Pickwick was on the point of inquiring with great abhorrence of the
mans coldblooded villany how Mr Serjeant Buzfuz who was counsel for the
opposite party dared to presume to tell Mr Serjeant Snubbin who was counsel
for him that it was a fine morning when he was interrupted by a general rising
of the barristers and a loud cry of »Silence« from the officers of the court
Looking round he found that this was caused by the entrance of the judge
Mr Justice Stareleigh who sat in the absence of the Chief Justice
occasioned by indisposition was a most particularly short man and so fat
that he seemed all face and waistcoat He rolled in upon two little turned
legs and having bobbed gravely to the bar who bobbed gravely to him put his
little legs underneath his table and his little threecornered hat upon it and
when Mr Justice Stareleigh had done this all you could see of him was two
queer little eyes one broad pink face and somewhere about half of a big and
very comicallooking wig
The judge had no sooner taken his seat than the officer on the floor of the
court called out »Silence« in a commanding tone upon which another officer in
the gallery cried »Silence« in an angry manner whereupon three or four more
ushers shouted »Silence« in a voice of indignant remonstrance This being done
a gentleman in black who sat below the judge proceeded to call over the names
of the jury and after a great deal of bawling it was discovered that only ten
special jurymen were present Upon this Mr Serjeant Buzfuz prayed a tales the
gentleman in black then proceeded to press into the special jury two of the
common jurymen and a greengrocer and a chemist were caught directly
»Answer to your names gentlemen that you may be sworn« said the gentleman
in black »Richard Upwitch«
»Here« said the greengrocer
»Thomas Groffin«
»Here« said the chemist
»Take the book gentlemen You shall well and truly try «
»I beg this courts pardon« said the chemist who was a tall thin
yellowvisaged man »but I hope this court will excuse my attendance«
»On what grounds sir« said Mr Justice Stareleigh
»I have no assistant my Lord« said the chemist
»I cant help that sir« replied Mr Justice Stareleigh »You should hire
one«
»I cant afford it my Lord« rejoined the chemist
»Then you ought to be able to afford it sir« said the judge reddening
for Mr Justice Stareleighs temper bordered on the irritable and brooked not
contradiction
»I know I ought to do if I got on as well as I deserved but I dont my
Lord« answered the chemist
»Swear the gentleman« said the judge peremptorily
The officer had got no further than the »You shall well and truly try« when
he was again interrupted by the chemist
»I am to be sworn my Lord am I« said the chemist
»Certainly sir« replied the testy little judge
»Very well my Lord« replied the chemist in a resigned manner »Then
therell be murder before this trials over thats all Swear me if you
please sir« and sworn the chemist was before the judge could find words to
utter
»I merely wanted to observe my Lord« said the chemist taking his seat
with great deliberation »that Ive left nobody but an errandboy in my shop He
is a very nice boy my Lord but he is not acquainted with drugs and I know
that the prevailing impression on his mind is that Epsom salts means oxalic
acid and syrup of senna laudanum Thats all my Lord« With this the tall
chemist composed himself into a comfortable attitude and assuming a pleasant
expression of countenance appeared to have prepared himself for the worst
Mr Pickwick was regarding the chemist with feelings of the deepest horror
when a slight sensation was perceptible in the body of the court and
immediately afterwards Mrs Bardell supported by Mrs Cluppins was led in and
placed in a drooping state at the other end of the seat on which Mr Pickwick
sat An extra sized umbrella was then handed in by Mr Dodson and a pair of
pattens by Mr Fogg each of whom had prepared a most sympathising and
melancholy face for the occasion Mrs Sanders then appeared leading in Master
Bardell At sight of her child Mrs Bardell started suddenly recollecting
herself she kissed him in a frantic manner then relapsing into a state of
hysterical imbecility the good lady requested to be informed where she was In
reply to this Mrs Cluppins and Mrs Sanders turned their heads away and wept
while Messrs Dodson and Fogg intreated the plaintiff to compose herself
Serjeant Buzfuz rubbed his eyes very hard with a large white handkerchief and
gave an appealing look towards the jury while the judge was visibly affected
and several of the beholders tried to cough down their emotions
»Very good notion that indeed« whispered Perker to Mr Pickwick »Capital
fellows those Dodson and Fogg excellent ideas of effect my dear sir
excellent«
As Perker spoke Mrs Bardell began to recover by slow degrees while Mrs
Cluppins after a careful survey of Master Bardells buttons and the
buttonholes to which they severally belonged placed him on the floor of the
court in front of his mother a commanding position in which he could not fail
to awaken the full commiseration and sympathy of both judge and jury This was
not done without considerable opposition and many tears on the part of the
young gentleman himself who had certain inward misgivings that the placing him
within the full glare of the judges eye was only a formal prelude to his being
immediately ordered away for instant execution or for transportation beyond the
seas during the whole term of his natural life at the very least
»Bardell and Pickwick« cried the gentleman in black calling on the case
which stood first on the list
»I am for the plaintiff my Lord« said Mr Serjeant Buzfuz
»Who is with you brother Buzfuz« said the judge Mr Skimpin bowed to
intimate that he was
»I appear for the defendant my Lord« said Mr Serjeant Snubbin
»Anybody with you brother Snubbin« inquired the court
»Mr Phunky my Lord« replied Serjeant Snubbin
»Serjeant Buzfuz and Mr Skimpin for the plaintiff« said the judge writing
down the names in his notebook and reading as he wrote »for the defendant
Serjeant Snubbin and Mr Monkey«
»Beg your Lordships pardon Phunky«
»Oh very good« said the judge »I never had the pleasure of hearing the
gentlemans name before« Here Mr Phunky bowed and smiled and the judge bowed
and smiled too and then Mr Phunky blushing into the very whites of his eyes
tried to look as if he didnt know that everybody was gazing at him a thing
which no man ever succeeded in doing yet or in all reasonable probability ever
will
»Go on« said the judge
The ushers again called silence and Mr Skimpin proceeded to open the case
and the case appeared to have very little inside it when he had opened it for
he kept such particulars as he knew completely to himself and sat down after
a lapse of three minutes leaving the jury in precisely the same advanced stage
of wisdom as they were in before
Serjeant Buzfuz then rose with all the majesty and dignity which the grave
nature of the proceedings demanded and having whispered to Dodson and
conferred briefly with Fogg pulled his gown over his shoulders settled his
wig and addressed the jury
Serjeant Buzfuz began by saying that never in the whole course of his
professional experience never from the very first moment of his applying
himself to the study and practice of the law had he approached a case with
feelings of such deep emotion or with such a heavy sense of the responsibility
imposed upon him a responsibility he would say which he could never have
supported were he not buoyed up and sustained by a conviction so strong that
it amounted to positive certainty that the cause of truth and justice or in
other words, the cause of his muchinjured and most oppressed client must
prevail with the highminded and intelligent dozen of men whom he now saw in
that box before him
Counsel usually begin in this way because it puts the jury on the very best
terms with themselves and makes them think what sharp fellows they must be A
visible effect was produced immediately several jurymen beginning to take
voluminous notes with the utmost eagerness
»You have heard from my learned friend gentlemen« continued Serjeant
Buzfuz well knowing that from the learned friend alluded to the gentlemen of
the jury had heard just nothing at all »you have heard from my learned friend
gentlemen that this is an action for a breach of promise of marriage in which
the damages are laid at £1500 But you have not heard from my learned friend
inasmuch as it did not come within my learned friends province to tell you
what are the facts and circumstances of the case Those facts and circumstances
gentlemen you shall hear detailed by me and proved by the unimpeachable female
whom I will place in that box before you«
Here Mr Serjeant Buzfuz with a tremendous emphasis on the word box smote
his table with a mighty sound and glanced at Dodson and Fogg who nodded
admiration of the serjeant and indignant defiance of the defendant
»The plaintiff gentlemen« continued Serjeant Buzfuz in a soft and
melancholy voice »the plaintiff is a widow yes gentlemen a widow The late
Mr Bardell after enjoying for many years the esteem and confidence of his
sovereign as one of the guardians of his royal revenues glided almost
imperceptibly from the world to seek elsewhere for that repose and peace which
a customhouse can never afford«
At this pathetic description of the decease of Mr Bardell who had been
knocked on the head with a quartpot in a publichouse cellar the learned
serjeants voice faltered and he proceeded with emotion
»Some time before his death he had stamped his likeness upon a little boy
With this little boy the only pledge of her departed exciseman Mrs Bardell
shrunk from the world and courted the retirement and tranquillity of Goswell
Street and here she placed in her front parlourwindow a written placard
bearing this inscription Apartments furnished for a single gentleman Inquire
within« Here Serjeant Buzfuz paused while several gentlemen of the jury took a
note of the document
»There is no date to that is there sir« inquired a juror
»There is no date gentlemen« replied Serjeant Buzfuz »but I am instructed
to say that it was put in the plaintiffs parlourwindow just this time three
years I intreat the attention of the jury to the wording of this document
Apartments furnished for a single gentleman Mrs Bardells opinions of the
opposite sex gentlemen were derived from a long contemplation of the
inestimable qualities of her lost husband She had no fear she had no distrust
she had no suspicion all was confidence and reliance Mr Bardell said the
widow Mr Bardell was a man of honour Mr Bardell was a man of his word Mr
Bardell was no deceiver Mr Bardell was once a single gentleman himself to
single gentlemen I look for protection for assistance for comfort and for
consolation in single gentlemen I shall perpetually see something to remind me
of what Mr Bardell was when he first won my young and untried affections to a
single gentleman then shall my lodgings be let Actuated by this beautiful and
touching impulse among the best impulses of our imperfect nature gentlemen
the lonely and desolate widow dried her tears furnished her first floor caught
the innocent boy to her maternal bosom and put the bill up in her
parlourwindow Did it remain there long No The serpent was on the watch the
train was laid the mine was preparing the sapper and miner was at work Before
the bill had been in the parlourwindow three days three days gentlemen a
Being erect upon two legs and bearing all the outward semblance of a man and
not of a monster knocked at the door of Mrs Bardells house He inquired
within he took the lodgings and on the very next day he entered into
possession of them This man was Pickwick Pickwick the defendant«
Serjeant Buzfuz who had proceeded with such volubility that his face was
perfectly crimson here paused for breath The silence awoke Mr Justice
Stareleigh who immediately wrote down something with a pen without any ink in
it and looked unusually profound to impress the jury with the belief that he
always thought most deeply with his eyes shut Serjeant Buzfuz proceeded
»Of this man Pickwick I will say little the subject presents but few
attractions and I gentlemen am not the man nor are you gentlemen the men
to delight in the contemplation of revolting heartlessness and of systematic
villany«
Here Mr Pickwick who had been writhing in silence for some time gave a
violent start as if some vague idea of assaulting Serjeant Buzfuz in the
august presence of justice and law suggested itself to his mind An admonitory
gesture from Perker restrained him and he listened to the learned gentlemans
continuation with a look of indignation which contrasted forcibly with the
admiring faces of Mrs Cluppins and Mrs Sanders
»I say systematic villany gentlemen« said Serjeant Buzfuz looking through
Mr Pickwick and talking at him »and when I say systematic villany let me
tell the defendant Pickwick if he be in court as I am informed he is that it
would have been more decent in him more becoming in better judgment and in
better taste if he had stopped away Let me tell him gentlemen that any
gestures of dissent or disapprobation in which he may indulge in this court will
not go down with you that you will know how to value and how to appreciate
them and let me tell him further as my lord will tell you gentlemen that a
counsel in the discharge of his duty to his client is neither to be
intimidated nor bullied nor put down and that any attempt to do either the one
or the other or the first or the last will recoil on the head of the
attempter be he plaintiff or be he defendant be his name Pickwick or Noakes
or Stoakes or Stiles or Brown or Thompson«
This little divergence from the subject in hand had of course the intended
effect of turning all eyes to Mr Pickwick Sergeant Buzfuz having partially
recovered from the state of moral elevation into which he had lashed himself
resumed
»I shall show you gentlemen that for two years Pickwick continued to
reside constantly and without interruption or intermission at Mrs Bardells
house I shall show you that Mrs Bardell during the whole of that time waited
on him attended to his comforts cooked his meals looked out his linen for the
washerwoman when it went abroad darned aired and prepared it for wear when
it came home and in short enjoyed his fullest trust and confidence I shall
show you that on many occasions he gave halfpence and on some occasions even
sixpences to her little boy and I shall prove to you by a witness whose
testimony it will be impossible for my learned friend to weaken or controvert
that on one occasion he patted the boy on the head and after inquiring whether
he had won any alley tors or commoneys lately both of which I understand to be
a particular species of marbles much prized by the youth of this town made use
of this remarkable expression How should you like to have another father I
shall prove to you gentlemen that about a year ago Pickwick suddenly began to
absent himself from home during long intervals as if with the intention of
gradually breaking off from my client but I shall show you also that his
resolution was not at that time sufficiently strong or that his better feelings
conquered if better feelings he has or that the charms and accomplishments of
my client prevailed against his unmanly intentions by proving to you that on
one occasion when he returned from the country he distinctly and in terms
offered her marriage previously however taking special care that there should
be no witness to their solemn contract and I am in a situation to prove to you
on the testimony of three of his own friends most unwilling witnesses
gentlemen most unwilling witnesses that on that morning he was discovered by
them holding the plaintiff in his arms and soothing her agitation by his
caresses and endearments«
A visible impression was produced upon the auditors by this part of the
learned serjeants address Drawing forth two very small scraps of paper he
proceeded
»And now gentlemen but one word more Two letters have passed between
these parties letters which are admitted to be in the handwriting of the
defendant and which speak volumes indeed These letters too bespeak the
character of the man They are not open fervent eloquent epistles breathing
nothing but the language of affectionate attachment They are covert sly
underhanded communications but fortunately far more conclusive than if
couched in the most glowing language and the most poetic imagery letters that
must be viewed with a cautious and suspicious eye letters that were evidently
intended at the time by Pickwick to mislead and delude any third parties into
whose hands they might fall Let me read the first Garraways twelve
oclock Dear Mrs B Chops and Tomata sauce Yours PICKWICK Gentlemen what
does this mean Chops and Tomata sauce Yours Pickwick Chops Gracious
heavens and Tomata sauce Gentlemen is the happiness of a sensitive and
confiding female to be trifled away by such shallow artifices as these The
next has no date whatever which is in itself suspicious Dear Mrs B I shall
not be at home till tomorrow Slow coach And then follows this very remarkable
expression Dont trouble yourself about the warmingpan The warming pan Why
gentlemen who does trouble himself about a warmingpan When was the peace of
mind of man or woman broken or disturbed by a warmingpan which is in itself a
harmless a useful and I will add gentlemen a comforting article of domestic
furniture Why is Mrs Bardell so earnestly entreated not to agitate herself
about this warmingpan unless as is no doubt the case it is a mere cover for
hidden fire a mere substitute for some endearing word or promise agreeably to
a preconcerted system of correspondence artfully contrived by Pickwick with a
view to his contemplated desertion and which I am not in a condition to
explain And what does this allusion to the slow coach mean For aught I know
it may be a reference to Pickwick himself who has most unquestionably been a
criminally slow coach during the whole of this transaction but whose speed will
now be very unexpectedly accelerated and whose wheels gentlemen as he will
find to his cost will very soon be greased by you«
Mr Serjeant Buzfuz paused in this place to see whether the jury smiled at
his joke but as nobody took it but the greengrocer whose sensitiveness on the
subject was very probably occasioned by his having subjected a chaisecart to
the process in question on that identical morning the learned serjeant
considered it advisable to undergo a slight relapse into the dismals before he
concluded
»But enough of this gentlemen« said Mr Serjeant Buzfuz »it is difficult
to smile with an aching heart it is ill jesting when our deepest sympathies are
awakened My clients hopes and prospects are ruined and it is no figure of
speech to say that her occupation is gone indeed The bill is down but there
is no tenant Eligible single gentlemen pass and repass but there is no
invitation for them to inquire within or without All is gloom and silence in
the house even the voice of the child is hushed his infant sports are
disregarded when his mother weeps his alley tors and his commoneys are alike
neglected he forgets the long familiar cry of knuckle down and at tipcheese
or odd and even his hand is out But Pickwick gentlemen Pickwick the
ruthless destroyer of this domestic oasis in the desert of Goswell Street
Pickwick who has choked up the well and thrown ashes on the sward Pickwick
who comes before you today with his heartless Tomata sauce and warmingpans
Pickwick still rears his head with unblushing effrontery and gazes without a
sigh on the ruin he has made Damages gentlemen heavy damages is the only
punishment with which you can visit him the only recompence you can award to my
client And for those damages she now appeals to an enlightened a highminded
a rightfeeling a conscientious a dispassionate a sympathising a
contemplative jury of her civilised countrymen« With this beautiful peroration
Mr Serjeant Buzfuz sat down and Mr Justice Stareleigh woke up
»Call Elizabeth Cluppins« said Serjeant Buzfuz rising a minute afterwards
with renewed vigour
The nearest usher called for Elizabeth Tuppins another one at a little
distance off demanded Elizabeth Jupkins and a third rushed in a breathless
state into King Street and screamed for Elizabeth Muffins till he was hoarse
Meanwhile Mrs Cluppins with the combined assistance of Mrs Bardell Mrs
Sanders Mr Dodson and Mr Fogg was hoisted into the witnessbox and when
she was safely perched on the top step Mrs Bardell stood on the bottom one
with the pockethandkerchief and pattens in one hand and a glass bottle that
might hold about a quarter of a pint of smelling salts in the other ready for
any emergency Mrs Sanders whose eyes were intently fixed on the judges face
planted herself close by with the large umbrella keeping her right thumb
pressed on the spring with an earnest countenance as if she were fully prepared
to put it up at a moments notice
»Mrs Cluppins« said Serjeant Buzfuz »pray compose yourself maam« Of
course directly Mrs Cluppins was desired to compose herself she sobbed with
increased vehemence and gave divers alarming manifestations of an approaching
fainting fit or as she afterwards said of her feelings being too many for
her
»Do you recollect Mrs Cluppins« said Serjeant Buzfuz after a few
unimportant questions »do you recollect being in Mrs Bardells back one pair
of stairs on one particular morning in July last when she was dusting
Pickwicks apartment«
»Yes my Lord and Jury I do« replied Mrs Cluppins
»Mr Pickwicks sittingroom was the firstfloor front I believe«
»Yes it were sir« replied Mrs Cluppins
»What were you doing in the back room maam« inquired the little judge
»My Lord and Jury« said Mrs Cluppins with interesting agitation »I will
not deceive you«
»You had better not maam« said the little judge
»I was there« resumed Mrs Cluppins »unbeknown to Mrs Bardell I had been
out with a little basket gentlemen to buy three pound of red kidney purtaties
which was three pound tuppense hapenny when I see Mrs Bardells street door
on the jar«
»On the what« exclaimed the little judge
»Partly open my Lord« said Serjeant Snubbin
»She said on the jar« said the little judge with a cunning look
»Its all the same my Lord« said Serjeant Snubbin The little judge looked
doubtful and said hed make a note of it Mrs Cluppins then resumed
»I walked in gentlemen just to say good mornin and went in a
permiscuous manner up stairs and into the back room Gentlemen there was the
sound of voices in the front room and «
»And you listened I believe Mrs Cluppins« said Serjeant Buzfuz
»Beggin your pardon sir« replied Mrs Cluppins in a majestic manner »I
would scorn the haction The voices was very loud sir and forced themselves
upon my ear«
»Well Mrs Cluppins you were not listening but you heard the voices Was
one of those voices Pickwicks«
»Yes it were sir«
And Mrs Cluppins after distinctly stating that Mr Pickwick addressed
himself to Mrs Bardell repeated by slow degrees and by dint of many
questions the conversation with which our readers are already acquainted
The jury looked suspicious and Mr Serjeant Buzfuz smiled and sat down
They looked positively awful when Serjeant Snubbin intimated that he should not
crossexamine the witness for Mr Pickwick wished it to be distinctly stated
that it was due to her to say that her account was in substance correct
Mrs Cluppins having once broken the ice thought it a favourable
opportunity for entering into a short dissertation on her own domestic affairs
so she straightway proceeded to inform the court that she was the mother of
eight children at that present speaking and that she entertained confident
expectations of presenting Mr Cluppins with a ninth somewhere about that day
six months At this interesting point the little judge interposed most
irascibly and the effect of the interposition was that both the worthy lady
and Mrs Sanders were politely taken out of court under the escort of Mr
Jackson without further parley
»Nathaniel Winkle« said Mr Skimpin
»Here« replied a feeble voice Mr Winkle entered the witness box and
having been duly sworn bowed to the judge with considerable deference
»Dont look at me sir« said the judge sharply in acknowledgment of the
salute »look at the jury«
Mr Winkle obeyed the mandate and looked at the place where he thought it
most probable the jury might be for seeing anything in his then state of
intellectual complication was wholly out of the question
Mr Winkle was then examined by Mr Skimpin who being a promising young
man of two or three and forty was of course anxious to confuse a witness who
was notoriously predisposed in favour of the other side as much as he could
»Now sir« said Mr Skimpin »have the goodness to let his Lordship and the
jury know what your name is will you« and Mr Skimpin inclined his head on one
side to listen with great sharpness to the answer and glanced at the jury
meanwhile as if to imply that he rather expected Mr Winkles natural taste for
perjury would induce him to give some name which did not belong to him
»Winkle« replied the witness
»Whats your Christian name sir« angrily inquired the little judge
»Nathaniel sir«
»Daniel any other name«
»Nathaniel sir my Lord I mean«
»Nathaniel Daniel or Daniel Nathaniel«
»No my Lord only Nathaniel not Daniel at all«
»What did you tell me it was Daniel for then sir« inquired the judge
»I didnt my Lord« replied Mr Winkle
»You did sir« replied the judge with a severe frown »How could I have
got Daniel on my notes unless you told me so sir«
This argument was of course unanswerable
»Mr Winkle has rather a short memory my Lord« interposed Mr Skimpin
with another glance at the jury »We shall find means to refresh it before we
have quite done with him I dare say«
»You had better be careful sir« said the little judge with a sinister
look at the witness
Poor Mr Winkle bowed and endeavoured to feign an easiness of manner
which in his then state of confusion gave him rather the air of a disconcerted
pickpocket
»Now Mr Winkle« said Mr Skimpin »attend to me if you please sir and
let me recommend you for your own sake to bear in mind his Lordships
injunction to be careful I believe you are a particular friend of Pickwick the
defendant are you not«
»I have known Mr Pickwick now as well as I recollect at this moment
nearly «
»Pray Mr Winkle do not evade the question Are you or are you not a
particular friend of the defendants«
»I was just about to say that «
»Will you or will you not answer my question sir«
»If you dont answer the question youll be committed sir« interposed the
little judge looking over his notebook
»Come sir« said Mr Skimpin »yes or no if you please«
»Yes I am« replied Mr Winkle
»Yes you are And why couldnt you say that at once sir Perhaps you know
the plaintiff too Eh Mr Winkle«
»I dont know her Ive seen her«
»Oh you dont know her but youve seen her Now have the goodness to tell
the gentlemen of the jury what you mean by that Mr Winkle«
»I mean that I am not intimate with her but I have seen her when I went to
call on Mr Pickwick in Goswell Street«
»How often have you seen her sir«
»How often«
»Yes Mr Winkle how often Ill repeat the question for you a dozen times
if you require it sir« And the learned gentleman with a firm and steady
frown placed his hands on his hips and smiled suspiciously at the jury
On this question there arose the edifying browbeating customary on such
points First of all Mr Winkle said it was quite impossible for him to say how
many times he had seen Mrs Bardell Then he was asked if he had seen her twenty
times to which he replied »Certainly more than that« Then he was asked
whether he hadnt seen her a hundred times whether he couldnt swear that he
had seen her more than fifty times whether he didnt know that he had seen her
at least seventyfive times and so forth the satisfactory conclusion which
was arrived at at last being that he had better take care of himself and
mind what he was about The witness having been by these means reduced to the
requisite ebb of nervous perplexity the examination was continued as follows
»Pray Mr Winkle do you remember calling on the defendant Pickwick at
these apartments in the plaintiffs house in Goswell Street on one particular
morning in the month of July last«
»Yes I do«
»Were you accompanied on that occasion by a friend of the name of Tupman
and another of the name of Snodgrass«
»Yes I was«
»Are they here«
»Yes they are« replied Mr Winkle looking very earnestly towards the spot
where his friends were stationed
»Pray attend to me Mr Winkle and never mind your friends« said Mr
Skimpin with another expressive look at the jury »They must tell their stories
without any previous consultation with you if none has yet taken place another
look at the jury Now sir tell the gentlemen of the jury what you saw on
entering the defendants room on this particular morning Come out with it
sir we must have it sooner or later«
»The defendant Mr Pickwick was holding the plaintiff in his arms with
his hands clasping her waist« replied Mr Winkle with natural hesitation »and
the plaintiff appeared to have fainted away«
»Did you hear the defendant say anything«
»I heard him call Mrs Bardell a good creature and I heard him ask her to
compose herself for what a situation it was if any body should come or words
to that effect«
»Now Mr Winkle I have only one more question to ask you and I beg you to
bear in mind his lordships caution Will you undertake to swear that Pickwick
the defendant did not say on the occasion in question My dear Mrs Bardell
youre a good creature compose yourself to this situation for to this
situation you must come or words to that effect«
»I I didnt understand him so certainly« said Mr Winkle astounded at
this ingenious dovetailing of the few words he had heard »I was on the
staircase and couldnt hear distinctly the impression on my mind is «
»The gentlemen of the jury want none of the impressions on your mind Mr
Winkle which I fear would be of little service to honest straightforward men«
interposed Mr Skimpin »You were on the staircase and didnt distinctly hear
but you will not swear that Pickwick did not make use of the expressions I have
quoted Do I understand that«
»No I will not« replied Mr Winkle and down sat Mr Skimpin with a
triumphant countenance
Mr Pickwicks case had not gone off in so particularly happy a manner up
to this point that it could very well afford to have any additional suspicion
cast upon it But as it could afford to be placed in a rather better light if
possible Mr Phunky rose for the purpose of getting something important out of
Mr Winkle in crossexamination Whether he did get anything important out of
him will immediately appear
»I believe Mr Winkle« said Mr Phunky »that Mr Pickwick is not a young
man«
»Oh no« replied Mr Winkle »old enough to be my father«
»You have told my learned friend that you have known Mr Pickwick a long
time Had you ever any reason to suppose or believe that he was about to be
married«
»Oh no certainly not« replied Mr Winkle with so much eagerness that Mr
Phunky ought to have got him out of the box with all possible dispatch Lawyers
hold that there are two kinds of particularly bad witnesses a reluctant
witness and a toowilling witness it was Mr Winkles fate to figure in both
characters
»I will even go further than this Mr Winkle« continued Mr Phunky in a
most smooth and complacent manner »Did you ever see anything in Mr Pickwicks
manner and conduct towards the opposite sex to induce you to believe that he
ever contemplated matrimony of late years in any case«
»Oh no certainly not« replied Mr Winkle
»Has his behaviour when females have been in the case always been that of
a man who having attained a pretty advanced period of life content with his
own occupations and amusements treats them only as a father might his
daughters«
»Not the least doubt of it« replied Mr Winkle in the fulness of his
heart »That is yes oh yes certainly«
»You have never known anything in his behaviour towards Mrs Bardell or any
other female in the least degree suspicious« said Mr Phunky preparing to sit
down for Serjeant Snubbin was winking at him
»N n no« replied Mr Winkle »except on one trifling occasion which I
have no doubt might be easily explained«
Now if the unfortunate Mr Phunky had sat down when Serjeant Snubbin winked
at him or if Serjeant Buzfuz had stopped this irregular crossexamination at
the outset which he knew better than to do observing Mr Winkles anxiety and
well knowing it would in all probability lead to something serviceable to
him this unfortunate admission would not have been elicited The moment the
words fell from Mr Winkles lips Mr Phunky sat down and Serjeant Snubbin
rather hastily told him he might leave the box which Mr Winkle prepared to do
with great readiness when Serjeant Buzfuz stopped him
»Stay Mr Winkle stay« said Serjeant Buzfuz »will your lordship have the
goodness to ask him what this one instance of suspicious behaviour towards
females on the part of this gentleman who is old enough to be his father was«
»You hear what the learned counsel says sir« observed the judge turning
to the miserable and agonized Mr Winkle »Describe the occasion to which you
refer«
»My lord« said Mr Winkle trembling with anxiety »I Id rather not«
»Perhaps so« said the little judge »but you must«
Amid the profound silence of the whole court Mr Winkle faltered out that
the trifling circumstance of suspicion was Mr Pickwicks being found in a
ladys sleeping apartment at midnight which had terminated he believed in the
breaking off of the projected marriage of the lady in question and had led he
knew to the whole party being forcibly carried before George Nupkins Esq
magistrate and justice of the peace for the borough of Ipswich
»You may leave the box sir« said Serjeant Snubbin Mr Winkle did leave
the box and rushed with delirious haste to the George and Vulture where he was
discovered some hours after by the waiter groaning in a hollow and dismal
manner with his head buried beneath the sofa cushions
Tracy Tupman and Augustus Snodgrass were severally called into the box
both corroborated the testimony of their unhappy friend and each was driven to
the verge of desperation by excessive badgering
Susannah Sanders was then called and examined by Serjeant Buzfuz and
crossexamined by Serjeant Snubbin Had always said and believed that Pickwick
would marry Mrs Bardell knew that Mrs Bardells being engaged to Pickwick was
the current topic of conversation in the neighbourhood after the fainting in
July had been told it herself by Mrs Mudberry which kept a mangle and Mrs
Bunkin which clearstarched but did not see either Mrs Mudberry or Mrs Bunkin
in court Had heard Pickwick ask the little boy how he should like to have
another father Did not know that Mrs Bardell was at that time keeping company
with the baker but did know that the baker was then a single man and is now
married Couldnt swear that Mrs Bardell was not very fond of the baker but
should think that the baker was not very fond of Mrs Bardell or he wouldnt
have married somebody else Thought Mrs Bardell fainted away on the morning in
July because Pickwick asked her to name the day knew that she witness
fainted away stone dead when Mr Sanders asked her to name the day and believed
that everybody as called herself a lady would do the same under similar
circumstances Heard Pickwick ask the boy the question about the marbles but
upon her oath did not know the difference between an alley tor and a commoney
By the COURT During the period of her keeping company with Mr Sanders
had received love letters like other ladies In the course of their
correspondence Mr Sanders had often called her a duck but never chops nor yet
tomata sauce He was particularly fond of ducks Perhaps if he had been as fond
of chops and tomata sauce he might have called her that as a term of
affection
Serjeant Buzfuz now rose with more importance than he had yet exhibited if
that were possible and vociferated »Call Samuel Weller«
It was quite unnecessary to call Samuel Weller for Samuel Weller stepped
briskly into the box the instant his name was pronounced and placing his hat on
the floor and his arms on the rail took a birdseye view of the bar and a
comprehensive survey of the bench with a remarkably cheerful and lively aspect
»Whats your name sir« inquired the judge
»Sam Weller my lord« replied that gentleman
»Do you spell it with a V or a W« inquired the judge
»That depends upon the taste and fancy of the speller my lord« replied
Sam »I never had occasion to spell it more than once or twice in my life but I
spells it with a V«
Here a voice in the gallery exclaimed aloud »Quite right too Samivel
quite right Put it down a we my lord put it down a we«
»Who is that who dares to address the court« said the little judge
looking up »Usher«
»Yes my lord«
»Bring that person here instantly«
»Yes my lord«
But as the usher didnt find the person he didnt bring him and after a
great commotion all the people who had got up to look for the culprit sat down
again The little judge turned to the witness as soon as his indignation would
allow him to speak and said
»Do you know who that was sir«
»I rayther suspect it was my father my lord« replied Sam
»Do you see him here now« said the judge
»No I dont my lord« replied Sam staring right up into the lantern in
the roof of the court
»If you could have pointed him out I would have committed him instantly«
said the judge
Sam bowed his acknowledgments and turned with unimpaired cheerfulness of
countenance towards Serjeant Buzfuz
»Now Mr Weller« said Serjeant Buzfuz
»Now sir« replied Sam
»I believe you are in the service of Mr Pickwick the defendant in this
case Speak up if you please Mr Weller«
»I mean to speak up sir« replied Sam »I am in the service o that ere
genlman and a wery good service it is«
»Little to do and plenty to get I suppose« said Serjeant Buzfuz with
jocularity
»Oh quite enough to get sir as the soldier said ven they ordered him
three hundred and fifty lashes« replied Sam
»You must not tell us what the soldier or any other man said sir«
interposed the judge »its not evidence«
»Wery good my lord« replied Sam
»Do you recollect anything particular happening on the morning when you were
first engaged by the defendant eh Mr Weller« said Serjeant Buzfuz
»Yes I do sir« replied Sam
»Have the goodness to tell the jury what it was«
»I had a reglar new fit out o clothes that mornin genlmen of the
jury« said Sam »and that was a wery partickler and uncommon circumstance vith
me in those days«
Hereupon there was a general laugh and the little judge looking with an
angry countenance over his desk said »You had better be careful sir«
»So Mr Pickwick said at the time my lord« replied Sam »and I was wery
careful o that ere suit o clothes wery careful indeed my lord«
The judge looked sternly at Sam for full two minutes but Sams features
were so perfectly calm and serene that the judge said nothing and motioned
Serjeant Buzfuz to proceed
»Do you mean to tell me Mr Weller« said Serjeant Buzfuz folding his arms
emphatically and turning halfround to the jury as if in mute assurance that
he would bother the witness yet »Do you mean to tell me Mr Weller that you
saw nothing of this fainting on the part of the plaintiff in the arms of the
defendant which you have heard described by the witnesses«
»Certainly not« replied Sam »I was in the passage till they called me up
and then the old lady was not there«
»Now attend Mr Weller« said Serjeant Buzfuz dipping a large pen into
the inkstand before him for the purpose of frightening Sam with a show of
taking down his answer »You were in the passage and yet saw nothing of what
was going forward Have you a pair of eyes Mr Weller«
»Yes I have a pair of eyes« replied Sam »and thats just it If they wos
a pair o patent double million magnifyin gas microscopes of hextra power
praps I might be able to see through a flight o stairs and a deal door but
bein only eyes you see my wision s limited«
At this answer which was delivered without the slightest appearance of
irritation and with the most complete simplicity and equanimity of manner the
spectators tittered the little judge smiled and Serjeant Buzfuz looked
particularly foolish After a short consultation with Dodson and Fogg the
learned Serjeant again turned towards Sam and said with a painful effort to
conceal his vexation »Now Mr Weller Ill ask you a question on another
point if you please«
»If you please sir« rejoined Sam with the utmost goodhumour
»Do you remember going up to Mrs Bardells house one night in November
last«
»Oh yes wery well«
»Oh you do remember that Mr Weller« said Serjeant Buzfuz recovering his
spirits »I thought we should get at something at last«
»I rayther thought that too sir« replied Sam and at this the spectators
tittered again
»Well I suppose you went up to have a little talk about this trial eh
Mr Weller« said Serjeant Buzfuz looking knowingly at the jury
»I went up to pay the rent but we did get a talkin about the trial«
replied Sam
»Oh you did get a talking about the trial« said Serjeant Buzfuz
brightening up with the anticipation of some important discovery »Now what
passed about the trial will you have the goodness to tell us Mr Weller«
»Vith all the pleasure in life sir« replied Sam »Arter a few unimportant
obserwations from the two wirtuous females as has been examined here today the
ladies gets into a very great state o admiration at the honourable conduct of
Mr Dodson and Fogg them two genlmen as is settin near you now« This of
course drew general attention to Dodson and Fogg who looked as virtuous as
possible
»The attorneys for the plaintiff« said Mr Serjeant Buzfuz »Well They
spoke in high praise of the honourable conduct of Messrs Dodson and Fogg the
attorneys for the plaintiff did they«
»Yes« said Sam »they said what a wery genrous thing it was o them to
have taken up the case on spec and to charge nothing at all for costs unless
they got em out of Mr Pickwick«
At this very unexpected reply the spectators tittered again and Dodson and
Fogg turning very red leant over to Serjeant Buzfuz and in a hurried manner
whispered something in his ear
»You are quite right« said Serjeant Buzfuz aloud with affected composure
»Its perfectly useless my lord attempting to get at any evidence through the
impenetrable stupidity of this witness I will not trouble the court by asking
him any more questions Stand down sir«
»Would any other genlman like to ask me anythin« inquired Sam taking up
his hat and looking round most deliberately
»Not I Mr Weller thank you« said Serjeant Snubbin laughing
»You may go down sir« said Serjeant Buzfuz waving his hand impatiently
Sam went down accordingly after doing Messrs Dodson and Foggs case as much
harm as he conveniently could and saying just as little respecting Mr Pickwick
as might be which was precisely the object he had had in view all along
»I have no objection to admit my lord« said Serjeant Snubbin »if it will
save the examination of another witness that Mr Pickwick has retired from
business and is a gentleman of considerable independent property«
»Very well« said Serjeant Buzfuz putting in the two letters to be read
»Then thats my case my lord«
Serjeant Snubbin then addressed the jury on behalf of the defendant and a
very long and a very emphatic address he delivered in which he bestowed the
highest possible eulogiums on the conduct and character of Mr Pickwick but
inasmuch as our readers are far better able to form a correct estimate of that
gentlemans merits and deserts than Serjeant Snubbin could possibly be we do
not feel called upon to enter at any length into the learned gentlemans
observations He attempted to show that the letters which had been exhibited
merely related to Mr Pickwicks dinner or to the preparations for receiving
him in his apartments on his return from some country excursion It is
sufficient to add in general terms that he did the best he could for Mr
Pickwick and the best as every body knows on the infallible authority of the
old adage could do no more
Mr Justice Stareleigh summed up in the oldestablished and most approved
form He read as much of his notes to the jury as he could decipher on so short
a notice and made running comments on the evidence as he went along If Mrs
Bardell were right it was perfectly clear that Mr Pickwick was wrong and if
they thought the evidence of Mrs Cluppins worthy of credence they would believe
it and if they didnt why they wouldnt If they were satisfied that a breach
of promise of marriage had been committed they would find for the plaintiff
with such damages as they thought proper and if on the other hand it appeared
to them that no promise of marriage had ever been given they would find for the
defendant with no damages at all The jury then retired to their private room to
talk the matter over and the judge retired to his private room to refresh
himself with a mutton chop and a glass of sherry
An anxious quarter of an hour elapsed the jury came back the judge was
fetched in Mr Pickwick put on his spectacles and gazed at the foreman with an
agitated countenance and a quickly beating heart
»Gentlemen« said the individual in black »are you all agreed upon your
verdict«
»We are« replied the foreman
»Do you find for the plaintiff gentlemen or for the defendant«
»For the plaintiff«
»With what damages gentlemen«
»Seven hundred and fifty pounds«
Mr Pickwick took off his spectacles carefully wiped the glasses folded
them into their case and put them in his pocket then having drawn on his
gloves with great nicety and stared at the foreman all the while he
mechanically followed Mr Perker and the blue bag out of court
They stopped in a side room while Perker paid the court fees and here Mr
Pickwick was joined by his friends Here too he encountered Messrs Dodson and
Fogg rubbing their hands with every token of outward satisfaction
»Well gentlemen« said Mr Pickwick
»Well sir« said Dodson for self and partner
»You imagine youll get your costs dont you gentlemen« said Mr
Pickwick
Fogg said they thought it rather probable Dodson smiled and said theyd
try
»You may try and try and try again Messrs Dodson and Fogg« said Mr
Pickwick vehemently »but not one farthing of costs or damages do you ever get
from me if I spend the rest of my existence in a debtors prison«
»Ha ha« laughed Dodson »Youll think better of that before next term
Mr Pickwick«
»He he he Well soon see about that Mr Pickwick« grinned Fogg
Speechless with indignation Mr Pickwick allowed himself to be led by his
solicitor and friends to the door and there assisted into a hackneycoach
which had been fetched for the purpose by the ever watchful Sam Weller
Sam had put up the steps and was preparing to jump upon the box when he
felt himself gently touched on the shoulder and looking round his father stood
before him The old gentlemans countenance wore a mournful expression as he
shook his head gravely and said in warning accents
»I knowd what ud come o this here mode o doin bisness Oh Sammy Sammy
vy wornt there a alleybi«
Chapter XXXV
In Which Mr Pickwick Thinks He Had Better Go to Bath and Goes Accordingly
»But surely my dear sir« said little Perker as he stood in Mr Pickwicks
apartment on the morning after the trial »Surely you dont really mean really
and seriously now and irritation apart that you wont pay these costs and
damages«
»Not one halfpenny« said Mr Pickwick firmly »not one halfpenny«
»Hooroar for the principle, as the moneylender said ven he vouldnt renew
the bill« observed Mr Weller who was clearing away the breakfast things
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick »have the goodness to step down stairs«
»Certnly sir« replied Mr Weller and acting on Mr Pickwicks gentle
hint Sam retired
»No Perker« said Mr Pickwick with great seriousness of manner »my
friends here have endeavoured to dissuade me from this determination but
without avail I shall employ myself as usual until the opposite party have the
power of issuing a legal process of execution against me and if they are vile
enough to avail themselves of it and to arrest my person I shall yield myself
up with perfect cheerfulness and content of heart When can they do this«
»They can issue execution my dear sir for the amount of the damages and
taxed costs next term« replied Perker »just two months hence my dear sir«
»Very good« said Mr Pickwick »Until that time my dear fellow let me
hear no more of the matter And now« continued Mr Pickwick looking round on
his friends with a goodhumoured smile and a sparkle in the eye which no
spectacles could dim or conceal »the only question is Where shall we go next«
Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass were too much affected by their friends
heroism to offer any reply Mr Winkle had not yet sufficiently recovered the
recollection of his evidence at the trial to make any observation on any
subject so Mr Pickwick paused in vain
»Well« said that gentleman »if you leave me to suggest our destination I
say Bath I think none of us have ever been there«
Nobody had and as the proposition was warmly seconded by Perker who
considered it extremely probable that if Mr Pickwick saw a little change and
gaiety he would be inclined to think better of his determination and worse of a
debtors prison it was carried unanimously and Sam was at once dispatched to
the White Horse Cellar to take five places by the halfpast seven oclock
coach next morning
There were just two places to be had inside and just three to be had out
so Sam Weller booked for them all and having exchanged a few compliments with
the bookingoffice clerk on the subject of a pewter halfcrown which was
tendered him as a portion of his change walked back to the George and Vulture
where he was pretty busily employed until bedtime in reducing clothes and linen
into the smallest possible compass and exerting his mechanical genius in
constructing a variety of ingenious devices for keeping the lids on boxes which
had neither locks nor hinges
The next was a very unpropitious morning for a journey muggy damp and
drizzly The horses in the stages that were going out and had come through the
city were smoking so that the outside passengers were invisible The
newspapersellers looked moist and smelt mouldy the wet ran off the hats of
the orangevenders as they thrust their heads into the coach windows and
diluted the insides in a refreshing manner The Jews with the fiftybladed
penknives shut them up in despair the men with the pocketbooks made
pocketbooks of them Watchguards and toastingforks were alike at a discount
and pencilcases and sponge were a drug in the market
Leaving Sam Weller to rescue the luggage from the seven or eight porters who
flung themselves savagely upon it the moment the coach stopped and finding
that they were about twenty minutes too early Mr Pickwick and his friends went
for shelter into the travellers room the last resource of human dejection
The travellers room at the White Horse Cellar is of course uncomfortable
it would be no travellers room if it were not It is the righthand parlour
into which an aspiring kitchen fireplace appears to have walked accompanied by
a rebellious poker tongs and shovel It is divided into boxes for the
solitary confinement of travellers and is furnished with a clock a
lookingglass and a live waiter which latter article is kept in a small kennel
for washing glasses in a corner of the apartment
One of these boxes was occupied on this particular occasion by a
sterneyed man of about fiveandforty who had a bald and glossy forehead with
a good deal of black hair at the sides and back of his head and large black
whiskers He was buttoned up to the chin in a brown coat and had a large
sealskin travelling cap and a greatcoat and cloak lying on the seat beside
him He looked up from his breakfast as Mr Pickwick entered with a fierce and
peremptory air which was very dignified and having scrutinised that gentleman
and his companions to his entire satisfaction hummed a tune in a manner which
seemed to say that he rather suspected somebody wanted to take advantage of him
but it wouldnt do
»Waiter« said the gentleman with the whiskers
»Sir« replied a man with a dirty complexion and a towel of the same
emerging from the kennel before mentioned
»Some more toast«
»Yes sir«
»Buttered toast mind« said the gentleman fiercely
»Drectly sir« replied the waiter
The gentleman with the whiskers hummed a tune in the same manner as before
and pending the arrival of the toast advanced to the front of the fire and
taking his coat tails under his arms looked at his boots and ruminated
»I wonder whereabouts in Bath this coach puts up« said Mr Pickwick mildly
addressing Mr Winkle
»Hum eh whats that« said the strange man
»I made an observation to my friend sir« replied Mr Pickwick always
ready to enter into conversation »I wondered at what house the Bath coach put
up Perhaps you can inform me«
»Are you going to Bath« said the strange man
»I am sir« replied Mr Pickwick
»And those other gentlemen«
»They are going also« said Mr Pickwick
»Not inside Ill be damned if youre going inside« said the strange man
»Not all of us« said Mr Pickwick
»No not all of you« said the strange man emphatically »Ive taken two
places If they try to squeeze six people into an infernal box that only holds
four Ill take a postchaise and bring an action Ive paid my fare It wont
do I told the clerk when I took my places that it wouldnt do I know these
things have been done I know they are done every day but I never was done and
I never will be Those who know me best best know it crush me« Here the
fierce gentleman rang the bell with great violence and told the waiter hed
better bring the toast in five seconds or hed know the reason why
»My good sir« said Mr Pickwick »you will allow me to observe that this is
a very unnecessary display of excitement I have only taken places inside for
two«
»I am glad to hear it« said the fierce man »I withdraw my expressions I
tender an apology Theres my card Give me your acquaintance«
»With great pleasure sir« replied Mr Pickwick »We are to be fellow
travellers and I hope we shall find each others society mutually agreeable«
»I hope we shall« said the fierce gentleman »I know we shall I like your
looks they please me Gentlemen your hands and names Know me«
Of course an interchange of friendly salutations followed this gracious
speech and the fierce gentleman immediately proceeded to inform the friends in
the same short abrupt jerking sentences that his name was Dowler that he was
going to Bath on pleasure that he was formerly in the army that he had now set
up in business as a gentleman that he lived upon the profits and that the
individual for whom the second place was taken was a personage no less
illustrious than Mrs Dowler his lady wife
»Shes a fine woman« said Mr Dowler »I am proud of her I have reason«
»I hope I shall have the pleasure of judging« said Mr Pickwick with a
smile
»You shall« replied Dowler »She shall know you She shall esteem you I
courted her under singular circumstances I won her through a rash vow Thus I
saw her I loved her I proposed she refused me You love another Spare my
blushes I know him You do Very good if he remains here Ill skin
him«
»Lord bless me« exclaimed Mr Pickwick involuntarily
»Did you skin the gentleman sir« inquired Mr Winkle with a very pale
face
»I wrote him a note I said it was a painful thing And so it was«
»Certainly« interposed Mr Winkle
»I said I had pledged my word as a gentleman to skin him My character was
at stake I had no alternative As an officer in His Majestys service I was
bound to skin him I regretted the necessity but it must be done He was open
to conviction He saw that the rules of the service were imperative He fled I
married her Heres the coach Thats her head«
As Mr Dowler concluded he pointed to a stage which had just driven up
from the open window of which a rather pretty face in a bright blue bonnet was
looking among the crowd on the pavement most probably for the rash man himself
Mr Dowler paid his bill and hurried out with his travellingcap coat and
cloak and Mr Pickwick and his friends followed to secure their places
Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass had seated themselves at the back part of the
coach Mr Winkle had got inside and Mr Pickwick was preparing to follow him
when Sam Weller came up to his master and whispering in his ear begged to
speak to him with an air of the deepest mystery
»Well Sam« said Mr Pickwick »whats the matter now«
»Heres rayther a rum go sir« replied Sam
»What« inquired Mr Pickwick
»This here sir« rejoined Sam »Im wery much afeerd sir that the
proprieator o this here coach is a playin some imperence vith us«
»How is that Sam« said Mr Pickwick »arent the names down on the
waybill«
»The names is not only down on the vaybill sir« replied Sam »but theyve
painted vun on em up on the door o the coach« As Sam spoke he pointed to
that part of the coach door on which the proprietors name usually appears and
there sure enough in gilt letters of a goodly size was the magic name of
PICKWICK
»Dear me« exclaimed Mr Pickwick quite staggered by the coincidence »what
a very extraordinary thing«
»Yes but that aint all« said Sam again directing his masters attention
to the coach door »not content vith writin up Pickwick they puts Moses afore
it vich I call addin insult to injury as the parrot said ven they not only
took him from his native land but made him talk the English langwidge
arterwards«
»Its odd enough certainly Sam« said Mr Pickwick »but if we stand
talking here we shall lose our places«
»Wot aint nothin to be done in consequence sir« exclaimed Sam
perfectly aghast at the coolness with which Mr Pickwick appeared to ensconce
himself inside
»Done« said Mr Pickwick »What should be done«
»Aint nobody to be whopped for takin this here liberty sir« said Mr
Weller who had expected that at least he would have been commissioned to
challenge the guard and coachman to a pugilistic encounter on the spot
»Certainly not« replied Mr Pickwick eagerly »not on any account Jump up
to your seat directly«
»Im wery much afeerd« muttered Sam to himself as he turned away »that
somethin queers come over the governor or hed never ha stood this so quiet
I hope that ere trial hasnt broke his spirit but it looks bad wery bad« Mr
Weller shook his head gravely and it is worthy of remark as an illustration of
the manner in which he took this circumstance to heart that he did not speak
another word until the coach reached the Kensington turnpike Which was so long
a time for him to remain taciturn that the fact may be considered wholly
unprecedented
Nothing worthy of special mention occurred during the journey Mr Dowler
related a variety of anecdotes all illustrative of his own personal prowess and
desperation and appealed to Mrs Dowler in corroboration thereof when Mrs
Dowler invariably brought in in the form of an appendix some remarkable fact
or circumstance which Mr Dowler had forgotten or had perhaps through modesty
omitted for the addenda in every instance went to show that Mr Dowler was even
a more wonderful fellow than he made himself out to be Mr Pickwick and Mr
Winkle listened with great admiration and at intervals conversed with Mrs
Dowler who was a very agreeable and fascinating person So what between Mr
Dowlers stories and Mrs Dowlers charms and Mr Pickwicks good humour and
Mr Winkles good listening the insides contrived to be very companionable all
the way
The outsides did as outsides always do They were very cheerful and
talkative at the beginning of every stage and very dismal and sleepy in the
middle and very bright and wakeful again towards the end There was one young
gentleman in an Indiarubber cloak who smoked cigars all day and there was
another young gentleman in a parody upon a great coat who lighted a good many
and feeling obviously unsettled after the second whiff threw them away when he
thought nobody was looking at him There was a third young man on the box who
wished to be learned in cattle and an old one behind who was familiar with
farming There was a constant succession of Christian names in smock frocks and
white coats who were invited to have a lift by the guard and who knew every
horse and hostler on the road and off it and there was a dinner which would
have been cheap at halfacrown a mouth if any moderate number of mouths could
have eaten it in the time And at seven oclock PM Mr Pickwick and his
friends and Mr Dowler and his wife respectively retired to their private
sittingrooms at the White Hart hotel opposite the Great Pump Room Bath where
the waiters from their costume might be mistaken for Westminster boys only
they destroy the illusion by behaving themselves much better
Breakfast had scarcely been cleared away on the succeeding morning when a
waiter brought in Mr Dowlers card with a request to be allowed permission to
introduce a friend Mr Dowler at once followed up the delivery of the card by
bringing himself and the friend also
The friend was a charming young man of not much more than fifty dressed in
a very bright blue coat with resplendent buttons black trousers and the
thinnest possible pair of highlypolished boots A gold eyeglass was suspended
from his neck by a short broad black ribbon a gold snuffbox was lightly
clasped in his left hand gold rings innumerable glittered on his fingers and
a large diamond pin set in gold glistened in his shirt frill He had a gold
watch and a gold curb chain with large gold seals and he carried a pliant
ebony cane with a heavy gold top His linen was of the very whitest finest and
stiffest his wig of the glossiest blackest and curliest His snuff was
princes mixture his scent bouquet du roi His features were contracted into a
perpetual smile and his teeth were in such perfect order that it was difficult
at a small distance to tell the real from the false
»Mr Pickwick« said Mr Dowler »my friend Angelo Cyrus Bantam Esquire
MC Bantam Mr Pickwick Know each other«
»Welcome to Ba ath sir This is indeed an acquisition Most welcome to Ba
ath sir It is long very long Mr Pickwick since you drank the waters It
appears an age Mr Pickwick Re markable«
Such were the expressions with which Angelo Cyrus Bantam Esquire MC
took Mr Pickwicks hand retaining it in his meantime and shrugging up his
shoulders with a constant succession of bows as if he really could not make up
his mind to the trial of letting it go again
»It is a very long time since I drank the waters certainly« replied Mr
Pickwick »for to the best of my knowledge I was never here before«
»Never in Ba ath Mr Pickwick« exclaimed the Grand Master letting the
hand fall in astonishment »Never in Ba ath He he Mr Pickwick you are a
wag Not bad not bad Good good He he he Re markable«
»To my shame I must say that I am perfectly serious« rejoined Mr
Pickwick »I really never was here before«
»Oh I see« exclaimed the Grand Master looking extremely pleased »Yes
yes good good better and better You are the gentleman of whom we have
heard Yes we know you Mr Pickwick we know you«
»The reports of the trial in those confounded papers« thought Mr Pickwick
»They have heard all about me«
»You are the gentleman residing on Clapham Green« resumed Bantam »who lost
the use of his limbs from imprudently taking cold after port wine who could not
be moved in consequence of acute suffering and who had the water from the
Kings Bath bottled at one hundred and three degrees and sent by waggon to his
bedroom in town where he bathed sneezed and same day recovered Very re
markable«
Mr Pickwick acknowledged the compliment which the supposition implied but
had the self-denial to repudiate it notwithstanding and taking advantage of a
moments silence on the part of the MC begged to introduce his friends Mr
Tupman Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass An introduction which overwhelmed the
MC with delight and honour
»Bantam« said Mr Dowler »Mr Pickwick and his friends are strangers They
must put their names down Wheres the book«
»The register of the distinguished visitors in Ba ath will be at the Pump
Room this morning at two oclock« replied the MC »Will you guide our friends
to that splendid building and enable me to procure their autographs«
»I will« rejoined Dowler »This is a long call Its time to go I shall be
here again in an hour Come«
»This is a ball night« said the MC again taking Mr Pickwicks hand as
he rose to go »The ballnights in Ba ath are moments snatched from Paradise
rendered bewitching by music beauty elegance fashion etiquette and and
above all by the absence of tradespeople who are quite inconsistent with
Paradise and who have an amalgamation of themselves at the Guildhall every
fortnight which is to say the least remarkable Good bye good bye« and
protesting all the way down stairs that he was most satisfied and most
delighted and most overpowered and most flattered Angelo Cyrus Bantam
Esquire MC stepped into a very elegant chariot that waited at the door and
rattled off
At the appointed hour Mr Pickwick and his friends escorted by Dowler
repaired to the Assembly Rooms and wrote their names down in a book An
instance of condescension at which Angelo Bantam was even more overpowered than
before Tickets of admission to that evenings assembly were to have been
prepared for the whole party but as they were not ready Mr Pickwick
undertook despite all the protestations to the contrary of Angelo Bantam to
send Sam for them at four oclock in the afternoon to the MCs house in Queen
Square Having taken a short walk through the city and arrived at the unanimous
conclusion that Park Street was very much like the perpendicular street a man
sees in a dream which he cannot get up for the life of him they returned to
the White Hart and despatched Sam on the errand to which his master had pledged
him
Sam Weller put on his hat in a very easy and graceful manner and thrusting
his hands in his waistcoat pockets walked with great deliberation to Queen
Square whistling as he went along several of the most popular airs of the day
as arranged with entirely new movements for that noble instrument the organ
either mouth or barrel Arriving at the number in Queen Square to which he had
been directed he left off whistling and gave a cheerful knock which was
instantaneously answered by a powderedheaded footman in gorgeous livery and of
symmetrical stature
»Is this here Mr Bantams old feller« inquired Sam Weller nothing
abashed by the blaze of splendour which burst upon his sight in the person of
the powderedheaded footman with the gorgeous livery
»Why young man« was the haughty inquiry of the powderedheaded footman
»Cos if it is jist you step into him with that ere card and say Mr
Vellers a waitin will you« said Sam And saying it he very coolly walked
into the hall and sat down
The powderedheaded footman slammed the door very hard and scowled very
grandly but both the slam and the scowl were lost upon Sam who was regarding a
mahogany umbrella stand with every outward token of critical approval
Apparently his masters reception of the card had impressed the
powderedheaded footman in Sams favour for when he came back from delivering
it he smiled in a friendly manner and said that the answer would be ready
directly
»Werry good« said Sam »Tell the old genlmn not to put himself in a
perspiration No hurry sixfoot Ive had my dinner«
»You dine early sir« said the powderedheaded footman
»I find I gets on better at supper when I does« replied Sam
»Have you been long in Bath sir« inquired the powderedheaded footman »I
have not had the pleasure of hearing of you before«
»I havent created any wery surprisin sensation here as yet« rejoined
Sam »for me and the other fashnables only come last night«
»Nice place sir« said the powderedheaded footman
»Seems so« observed Sam
»Pleasant society sir« remarked the powderedheaded footman »Very
agreeable servants sir«
»I should think they wos« replied Sam »Affable unaffected
saynothintonobody sort o fellers«
»Oh very much so indeed sir« said the powderedheaded footman taking
Sams remark as a high compliment »Very much so indeed Do you do anything in
this way sir« inquired the tall footman producing a small snuffbox with a
foxs head on the top of it
»Not without sneezing« replied Sam
»Why it is difficult sir I confess« said the tall footman »It may be
done by degrees sir Coffee is the best practice I carried coffee sir for a
long time It looks very like rappee sir«
Here a sharp pull at the bell reduced the powderedheaded footman to the
ignominious necessity of putting the foxs head in his pocket and hastening
with a humble countenance to Mr Bantams study By the by who ever knew a man
who never read or wrote either who hadnt got some small back parlour which he
would call a study
»There is the answer sir« said the powderedheaded footman »I am afraid
youll find it inconveniently large«
»Dont mention it« said Sam taking a letter with a small enclosure »Its
just possible as exhausted nature may manage to surwive it«
»I hope we shall meet again sir« said the powderedheaded footman rubbing
his hands and following Sam out to the doorstep
»You are wery obligin sir« replied Sam »Now dont allow yourself to be
fatigued beyond your powers theres a amiable bein Consider what you owe to
society and dont let yourself be injured by too much work For the sake o
your feller creeturs keep your self as quiet as you can only think what a loss
you would be« with these pathetic words Sam Weller departed
»A very singular young man that« said the powderedheaded footman looking
after Mr Weller with a countenance which clearly showed he could make nothing
of him
Sam said nothing at all He winked shook his head smiled winked again
and with an expression of countenance which seemed to denote that he was greatly
amused with something or other walked merrily away
At precisely twenty minutes before eight oclock that night Angelo Cyrus
Bantam Esq the Master of the Ceremonies emerged from his chariot at the door
of the Assembly Rooms in the same wig the same teeth the same eyeglass the
same watch and seals the same rings the same shirtpin and the same cane The
only observable alterations in his appearance were that he wore a brighter blue
coat with a white silk lining black tights black silk stockings and pumps
and a white waistcoat and was if possible just a thought more scented
Thus attired the Master of the Ceremonies in strict discharge of the
important duties of his allimportant office planted himself in the rooms to
receive the company
Bath being full the company and the sixpences for tea poured in in
shoals In the ballroom the long cardroom the octagonal cardroom the
staircases and the passages the hum of many voices and the sound of many
feet were perfectly bewildering Dresses rustled feathers waved lights shone
and jewels sparkled There was the music not of the quadrille band for it had
not yet commenced but the music of soft tiny footsteps with now and then a
clear merry laugh low and gentle but very pleasant to hear in a female voice
whether in Bath or elsewhere Brilliant eyes lighted up with pleasurable
expectation gleamed from every side and look where you would some exquisite
form glided gracefully through the throng and was no sooner lost than it was
replaced by another as dainty and bewitching
In the tearoom and hovering round the cardtables were a vast number of
queer old ladies and decrepid old gentlemen discussing all the small talk and
scandal of the day with a relish and gusto which sufficiently bespoke the
intensity of the pleasure they derived from the occupation Mingled with these
groups were three or four matchmaking mammas appearing to be wholly absorbed
by the conversation in which they were taking part but failing not from time to
time to cast an anxious sidelong glance upon their daughters who remembering
the maternal injunction to make the best use of their youth had already
commenced incipient flirtations in the mislaying of scarves putting on gloves
setting down cups and so forth slight matters apparently but which may be
turned to surprisingly good account by expert practitioners
Lounging near the doors and in remote corners were various knots of silly
young men displaying various varieties of puppyism and stupidity amusing all
sensible people near them with their folly and conceit and happily thinking
themselves the objects of general admiration A wise and merciful dispensation
which no good man will quarrel with
And lastly seated on some of the back benches where they had already taken
up their positions for the evening were divers unmarried ladies past their
grand climacteric who not dancing because there were no partners for them and
not playing cards lest they should be set down as irretrievably single were in
the favourable situation of being able to abuse everybody without reflecting on
themselves In short they could abuse everybody because everybody was there
It was a scene of gaiety glitter and show of richlydressed people handsome
mirrors chalked floors girandoles and waxcandles and in all parts of the
scene gliding from spot to spot in silent softness bowing obsequiously to this
party nodding familiarly to that and smiling complacently on all was the
sprucely attired person of Angelo Cyrus Bantam Esquire Master of the
Ceremonies
»Stop in the tearoom Take your sixpennorth They lay on hot water and
call it tea Drink it« said Mr Dowler in a loud voice directing Mr
Pickwick who advanced at the head of the little party with Mrs Dowler on his
arm Into the tearoom Mr Pickwick turned and catching sight of him Mr
Bantam corkscrewed his way through the crowd and welcomed him with ecstasy
»My dear sir I am highly honoured Ba ath is favoured Mrs Dowler you
embellish the rooms I congratulate you on your feathers Re markable«
»Any body here« inquired Dowler suspiciously
»Any body The élite of Ba ath Mr Pickwick do you see the lady in the
gauze turban«
»The fat old lady« inquired Mr Pickwick innocently
»Hush my dear sir nobodys fat or old in Ba ath Thats the Dowager
Lady Snuphanuph«
»Is it indeed« said Mr Pickwick
»No less a person I assure you« said the Master of the Ceremonies »Hush
Draw a little nearer Mr Pickwick You see the splendidly dressed young man
coming this way«
»The one with the long hair and the particularly small forehead« inquired
Mr Pickwick
»The same The richest young man in Ba ath at this moment Young Lord
Mutanhed«
»You dont say so« said Mr Pickwick
»Yes Youll hear his voice in a moment Mr Pickwick Hell speak to me
The other gentleman with him in the red under waistcoat and dark moustache is
the Honourable Mr Crushton his bosom friend How do you do my lord«
»Veway hot Bantam« said his lordship
»It is very warm my lord« replied the MC
»Confounded« assented the Honourable Mr Crushton
»Have you seen his lordships mail cart Bantam« inquired the Honourable
Mr Crushton after a short pause during which young Lord Mutanhed had been
endeavouring to stare Mr Pickwick out of countenance and Mr Crushton had been
reflecting what subject his lordship could talk about best
»Dear me no« replied the MC »A mail cart What an excellent idea Re
markable«
»Gwacious heavens« said his lordship »I thought evewebody had seen the new
mail cart its the neatest pwettiest gwacefullest thing that ever wan upon
wheels Painted wed with a cweam piebald«
»With a real box for the letters and all complete« said the Honourable Mr
Crushton
»And a little seat in fwont with an iwon wail for the dwiver« added his
lordship »I dwove it over to Bwistol the other morning in a cwimson coat with
two servants widing a quarter of a mile behind and confound me if the people
didnt wush out of their cottages and awest my pwogwess to know if I wasnt
the post Glorwious glorwious«
At this anecdote his lordship laughed very heartily as did the listeners
of course Then drawing his arm through that of the obsequious Mr Crushton
Lord Mutanhed walked away
»Delightful young man his lordship« said the Master of the Ceremonies
»So I should think« rejoined Mr Pickwick drily
The dancing having commenced the necessary introductions having been made
and all preliminaries arranged Angelo Bantam rejoined Mr Pickwick and led him
into the cardroom
Just at the very moment of their entrance the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph and
two other ladies of an ancient and whistlike appearance were hovering over an
unoccupied cardtable and they no sooner set eyes upon Mr Pickwick under the
convoy of Angelo Bantam than they exchanged glances with each other seeing
that he was precisely the very person they wanted to make up the rubber
»My dear Bantam« said the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph coaxingly »find us some
nice creature to make up this table theres a good soul« Mr Pickwick happened
to be looking another way at the moment so her ladyship nodded her head towards
him and frowned expressively
»My friend Mr Pickwick my lady will be most happy I am sure remarkably
so« said the MC taking the hint »Mr Pickwick Lady Snuphanuph Mrs
Colonel Wugsby Miss Bolo«
Mr Pickwick bowed to each of the ladies and finding escape impossible
cut Mr Pickwick and Miss Bolo against Lady Snuphanuph and Mrs Colonel Wugsby
As the trump card was turned up at the commencement of the second deal two
young ladies hurried into the room and took their stations on either side of
Mrs Colonel Wugsbys chair where they waited patiently until the hand was
over
»Now Jane« said Mrs Colonel Wugsby turning to one of the girls »what is
it«
»I came to ask ma whether I might dance with the youngest Mr Crawley«
whispered the prettier and younger of the two
»Good God Jane how can you think of such things« replied the mamma
indignantly »Havent you repeatedly heard that his father has eight hundred
ayear which dies with him I am ashamed of you Not on any account«
»Ma« whispered the other who was much older than her sister and very
insipid and artificial »Lord Mutanhed has been introduced to me I said I
thought I wasnt engaged ma«
»Youre a sweet pet my love« replied Mrs Colonel Wugsby tapping her
daughters cheek with her fan »and are always to be trusted Hes immensely
rich my dear Bless you« With these words Mrs Colonel Wugsby kissed her
eldest daughter most affectionately and frowning in a warning manner upon the
other sorted her cards
Poor Mr Pickwick he had never played with three thoroughpaced female
cardplayers before They were so desperately sharp that they quite frightened
him If he played a wrong card Miss Bolo looked a small armoury of daggers if
he stopped to consider which was the right one Lady Snuphanuph would throw
herself back in her chair and smile with a mingled glance of impatience and
pity to Mrs Colonel Wugsby at which Mrs Colonel Wugsby would shrug up her
shoulders and cough as much as to say she wondered whether he ever would
begin Then at the end of every hand Miss Bolo would inquire with a dismal
countenance and reproachful sigh why Mr Pickwick had not returned that
diamond or led the club or roughed the spade or finessed the heart or led
through the honour or brought out the ace or played up to the king or some
such thing and in reply to all these grave charges Mr Pickwick would be
wholly unable to plead any justification whatever having by this time forgotten
all about the game People came and looked on too which made Mr Pickwick
nervous Besides all this there was a great deal of distracting conversation
near the table between Angelo Bantam and the two Miss Matinters who being
single and singular paid great court to the Master of the Ceremonies in the
hope of getting a stray partner now and then All these things combined with
the noises and interruptions of constant comings in and goings out made Mr
Pickwick play rather badly the cards were against him also and when they left
off at ten minutes past eleven Miss Bolo rose from the table considerably
agitated and went straight home in a flood of tears and a sedanchair
Being joined by his friends who one and all protested that they had
scarcely ever spent a more pleasant evening Mr Pickwick accompanied them to
the White Hart and having soothed his feelings with something hot went to bed
and to sleep almost simultaneously
Chapter XXXVI
The Chief Features of Which Will Be Found To Be an Authentic Version of the
Legend of Prince Bladud and a Most Extraordinary Calamity That Befel Mr
Winkle
As Mr Pickwick contemplated a stay of at least two months in Bath he deemed it
advisable to take private lodgings for himself and friends for that period and
as a favourable opportunity offered for their securing on moderate terms the
upper portion of a house in the Royal Crescent which was larger than they
required Mr and Mrs Dowler offered to relieve them of a bedroom and
sittingroom This proposition was at once accepted and in three days time
they were all located in their new abode when Mr Pickwick began to drink the
waters with the utmost assiduity Mr Pickwick took them systematically He
drank a quarter of a pint before breakfast and then walked up a hill and
another quarter of a pint after breakfast and then walked down a hill and
after every fresh quarter of a pint Mr Pickwick declared in the most solemn
and emphatic terms that he felt a great deal better whereat his friends were
very much delighted though they had not been previously aware that there was
anything the matter with him
The great pumproom is a spacious saloon ornamented with Corinthian
pillars and a music gallery and a Tompion clock and a statue of Nash and a
golden inscription to which all the waterdrinkers should attend for it
appeals to them in the cause of a deserving charity There is a large bar with a
marble vase out of which the pumper gets the water and there are a number of
yellowlooking tumblers out of which the company get it and it is a most
edifying and satisfactory sight to behold the perseverance and gravity with
which they swallow it There are baths near at hand in which a part of the
company wash themselves and a band plays afterwards to congratulate the
remainder on their having done so There is another pumproom into which infirm
ladies and gentlemen are wheeled in such an astonishing variety of chairs and
chaises that any adventurous individual who goes in with the regular number of
toes is in imminent danger of coming out without them and there is a third
into which the quiet people go for it is less noisy than either There is an
immensity of promenading on crutches and off with sticks and without and a
great deal of conversation and liveliness and pleasantry
Every morning the regular waterdrinkers Mr Pickwick among the number
met each other in the pumproom took their quarter of a pint and walked
constitutionally At the afternoons promenade Lord Mutanhed and the
Honourable Mr Crushton the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph Mrs Colonel Wugsby and
all the great people and all the morning waterdrinkers met in grand
assemblage After this they walked out or drove out or were pushed out in
bath chairs and met one another again After this the gentlemen went to the
readingrooms and met divisions of the mass After this they went home If it
were theatre night perhaps they met at the theatre if it were assembly night
they met at the rooms and if it were neither they met the next day A very
pleasant routine with perhaps a slight tinge of sameness
Mr Pickwick was sitting up by himself after a day spent in this manner
making entries in his journal his friends having retired to bed when he was
roused by a gentle tap at the room door
»Beg your pardon sir« said Mrs Craddock the landlady peeping in »but
did you want anything more sir«
»Nothing more maam« replied Mr Pickwick
»My young girl is gone to bed sir« said Mrs Craddock »and Mr Dowler is
good enough to say that hell sit up for Mrs Dowler as the party isnt
expected to be over till late so I was thinking if you wanted nothing more Mr
Pickwick I would go to bed«
»By all means maam« replied Mr Pickwick
»Wish you good night sir« said Mrs Craddock
»Good night maam« rejoined Mr Pickwick
Mrs Craddock closed the door and Mr Pickwick resumed his writing
In half an hours time the entries were concluded Mr Pickwick carefully
rubbed the last page on the blottingpaper shut up the book wiped his pen on
the bottom of the inside of his coat tail and opened the drawer of the inkstand
to put it carefully away There were a couple of sheets of writingpaper pretty
closely written over in the inkstand drawer and they were folded so that the
title which was in a good round hand was fully disclosed to him Seeing from
this that it was no private document and as it seemed to relate to Bath and
was very short Mr Pickwick unfolded it lighted his bedroom candle that it
might burn up well by the time he finished and drawing his chair nearer the
fire read as follows
The True Legend Of Prince Bladud
»Less than two hundred years agone on one of the public baths in this city
there appeared an inscription in honour of its mighty founder the renowned
Prince Bladud That inscription is now erased
For many hundred years before that time there had been handed down from
age to age an old legend that the illustrious Prince being afflicted with
leprosy on his return from reaping a rich harvest of knowledge in Athens
shunned the court of his royal father and consorted moodily with husbandmen and
pigs Among the herd so said the legend was a pig of grave and solemn
countenance with whom the Prince had a fellow feeling for he too was wise a
pig of thoughtful and reserved demeanour an animal superior to his fellows
whose grunt was terrible and whose bite was sharp The young Prince sighed
deeply as he looked upon the countenance of the majestic swine he thought of
his royal father and his eyes were bedewed with tears
This sagacious pig was fond of bathing in rich moist mud Not in summer as
common pigs do now to cool themselves and did even in those distant ages
which is a proof that the light of civilisation had already begun to dawn
though feebly but in the cold sharp days of winter His coat was ever so
sleek and his complexion so clear that the Prince resolved to essay the
purifying qualities of the same water that his friend resorted to He made the
trial Beneath that black mud bubbled the hot springs of Bath He washed and
was cured Hastening to his fathers court he paid his best respects and
returning quickly hither founded this city and its famous baths
He sought the pig with all the ardour of their early friendship but alas
the waters had been his death He had imprudently taken a bath at too high a
temperature and the natural philosopher was no more He was succeeded by Pliny
who also fell a victim to his thirst for knowledge
This was the legend Listen to the true one
A great many centuries since there flourished in great state the famous
and renowned Lud Hudibras king of Britain He was a mighty monarch The earth
shook when he walked he was so very stout His people basked in the light of
his countenance it was so red and glowing He was indeed every inch a king
And there were a good many inches of him too for although he was not very tall
he was a remarkable size round and the inches that he wanted in height he made
up in circumference If any degenerate monarch of modern times could be in any
way compared with him I should say the venerable King Cole would be that
illustrious potentate
This good king had a queen who eighteen years before had had a son who
was called Bladud He was sent to a preparatory seminary in his fathers
dominions until he was ten years old and was then dispatched in charge of a
trusty messenger to a finishing school at Athens and as there was no extra
charge for remaining during the holidays and no notice required previous to the
removal of a pupil there he remained for eight long years at the expiration of
which time the king his father sent the lord chamberlain over to settle the
bill and to bring him home which the lord chamberlain doing was received
with shouts and pensioned immediately
When King Lud saw the Prince his son and found he had grown up such a fine
young man he perceived at once what a grand thing it would be to have him
married without delay so that his children might be the means of perpetuating
the glorious race of Lud down to the very latest ages of the world With this
view he sent a special embassy composed of great noblemen who had nothing
particular to do and wanted lucrative employment to a neighbouring king and
demanded his fair daughter in marriage for his son stating at the same time
that he was anxious to be on the most affectionate terms with his brother and
friend but that if they couldnt agree in arranging this marriage he should be
under the unpleasant necessity of invading his kingdom and putting his eyes
out To this the other king who was the weaker of the two replied that he
was very much obliged to his friend and brother for all his goodness and
magnanimity and that his daughter was quite ready to be married whenever
Prince Bladud liked to come and fetch her
This answer no sooner reached Britain than the whole nation were
transported with joy Nothing was heard on all sides but the sounds of
feasting and revelry except the chinking of money as it was paid in by the
people to the collector of the Royal Treasures to defray the expenses of the
happy ceremony It was upon this occasion that King Lud seated on the top of
his throne in full council rose in the exuberance of his feelings and
commanded the lord chief justice to order in the richest wines and the court
minstrels an act of graciousness which has been through the ignorance of
traditionary historians attributed to King Cole in those celebrated lines in
which his majesty is represented as
Calling for his pipe and calling for his pot
And calling for his fiddlers three
Which is an obvious injustice to the memory of King Lud and a dishonest
exaltation of the virtues of King Cole
But in the midst of all this festivity and rejoicing there was one
individual present who tasted not when the sparkling wines were poured forth
and who danced not when the minstrels played This was no other than Prince
Bladud himself in honour of whose happiness a whole people were at that very
moment straining alike their throats and pursestrings The truth was that the
Prince forgetting the undoubted right of the minister for foreign affairs to
fall in love on his behalf had contrary to every precedent of policy and
diplomacy already fallen in love on his own account and privately contracted
himself unto the fair daughter of a noble Athenian
Here we have a striking example of one of the manifold advantages of
civilisation and refinement If the Prince had lived in later days he might at
once have married the object of his fathers choice and then set himself
seriously to work to relieve himself of the burden which rested heavily upon
him He might have endeavoured to break her heart by a systematic course of
insult and neglect or if the spirit of her sex and a proud consciousness of
her many wrongs had upheld her under this ill treatment he might have sought to
take her life and so get rid of her effectually But neither mode of relief
suggested itself to Prince Bladud so he solicited a private audience and told
his father
It is an old prerogative of kings to govern everything but their passions
King Lud flew into a frightful rage tossed his crown up to the ceiling and
caught it again for in those days kings kept their crowns on their heads and
not in the Tower stamped the ground rapped his forehead wondered why his own
flesh and blood rebelled against him and finally calling in his guards
ordered the Prince away to instant confinement in a lofty turret a course of
treatment which the kings of old very generally pursued towards their sons when
their matrimonial inclinations did not happen to point to the same quarter as
their own
When Prince Bladud had been shut up in the lofty turret for the greater part
of a year with no better prospect before his bodily eyes than a stone wall or
before his mental vision than prolonged imprisonment he naturally began to
ruminate on a plan of escape which after months of preparation he managed to
accomplish considerately leaving his dinner knife in the heart of his gaoler
lest the poor fellow who had a family should be considered privy to his
flight and punished accordingly by the infuriated king
The monarch was frantic at the loss of his son He knew not on whom to vent
his grief and wrath until fortunately bethinking himself of the Lord
Chamberlain who had brought him home he struck off his pension and his head
together
Meanwhile the young Prince effectually disguised wandered on foot through
his fathers dominions cheered and supported in all his hardships by sweet
thoughts of the Athenian maid who was the innocent cause of his weary trials
One day he stopped to rest in a country village and seeing that there were gay
dances going forward on the green and gay faces passing to and fro ventured to
inquire of a reveller who stood near him the reason for this rejoicing
Know you not O stranger was the reply of the recent proclamation of our
gracious king
Proclamation No What proclamation rejoined the Prince for he had
travelled along the bye and littlefrequented ways and knew nothing of what had
passed upon the public roads such as they were
Why replied the peasant the foreign lady that our Prince wished to wed is
married to a foreign noble of her own country and the king proclaims the fact
and a great public festival besides for now of course Prince Bladud will come
back and marry the lady his father chose who they say is as beautiful as the
noonday sun Your health sir God save the King
The Prince remained to hear no more He fled from the spot and plunged into
the thickest recesses of a neighbouring wood On on he wandered night and
day beneath the blazing sun and the cold pale moon through the dry heat of
noon and the damp cold of night in the grey light of morn and the red glare
of eve So heedless was he of time or object that being bound for Athens he
wandered as far out of his way as Bath
There was no city where Bath stands then There was no vestige of human
habitation or sign of mans resort to bear the name but there was the same
noble country the same broad expanse of hill and dale the same beautiful
channel stealing on far away the same lofty mountains which like the troubles
of life viewed at a distance and partially obscured by the bright mist of its
morning lose their ruggedness and asperity and seem all ease and softness
Moved by the gentle beauty of the scene the Prince sank upon the green turf
and bathed his swollen feet in his tears
Oh said the unhappy Bladud clasping his hands and mournfully raising his
eyes towards the sky would that my wanderings might end here Would that these
grateful tears with which I now mourn hope misplaced and love despised might
flow in peace for ever
The wish was heard It was in the time of the heathen deities who used
occasionally to take people at their words with a promptness in some cases
extremely awkward The ground opened beneath the Princes feet he sunk into the
chasm and instantaneously it closed upon his head for ever save where his hot
tears welled up through the earth and where they have continued to gush forth
ever since
It is observable that to this day large numbers of elderly ladies and
gentlemen who have been disappointed in procuring partners and almost as many
young ones who are anxious to obtain them repair annually to Bath to drink
the waters from which they derive much strength and comfort This is most
complimentary to the virtue of Prince Bladuds tears and strongly corroborative
of the veracity of this legend«
Mr Pickwick yawned several times when he had arrived at the end of this little
manuscript carefully refolded and replaced it in the inkstand drawer and
then with a countenance expressive of the utmost weariness lighted his chamber
candle and went up stairs to bed
He stopped at Mr Dowlers door according to custom and knocked to say
good night
»Ah« said Dowler »going to bed I wish I was Dismal night Windy isnt
it«
»Very« said Mr Pickwick »Good night«
»Good night«
Mr Pickwick went to his bedchamber and Mr Dowler resumed his seat before
the fire in fulfilment of his rash promise to sit up till his wife came home
There are few things more worrying than sitting up for somebody especially
if that somebody be at a party You cannot help thinking how quickly the time
passes with them which drags so heavily with you and the more you think of
this the more your hopes of their speedy arrival decline Clocks tick so loud
too when you are sitting up alone and you seem as if you had an under garment
of cobwebs on First something tickles your right knee and then the same
sensation irritates your left You have no sooner changed your position than it
comes again in the arms when you have fidgeted your limbs into all sorts of odd
shapes you have a sudden relapse in the nose which you rub as if to rub it off
as there is no doubt you would if you could Eyes too are mere personal
inconveniences and the wick of one candle gets an inch and a half long while
you are snuffing the other These and various other little nervous annoyances
render sitting up for a length of time after everybody else has gone to bed
anything but a cheerful amusement
This was just Mr Dowlers opinion as he sat before the fire and felt
honestly indignant with all the inhuman people at the party who were keeping him
up He was not put into better humour either by the reflection that he had
taken it into his head early in the evening to think he had got an ache there
and so stopped at home At length after several droppings asleep and fallings
forward towards the bars and catchings backward soon enough to prevent being
branded in the face Mr Dowler made up his mind that he would throw himself on
the bed in the backroom and think not sleep of course
»Im a heavy sleeper« said Mr Dowler as he flung himself on the bed »I
must keep awake I suppose I shall hear a knock here Yes I thought so I can
hear the watchman There he goes Fainter now though A little fainter Hes
turning the corner Ah« When Mr Dowler arrived at this point he turned the
comer at which he had been long hesitating and fell fast asleep
Just as the clock struck three there was blown into the crescent a
sedanchair with Mrs Dowler inside borne by one short fat chairman and one
long thin one who had had much ado to keep their bodies perpendicular to say
nothing of the chair But on that high ground and in the crescent which the
wind swept round and round as if it were going to tear the paving stones up its
fury was tremendous They were very glad to set the chair down and give a good
round loud doubleknock at the street door
They waited some time but nobody came
»Servants is in the arms o Porpus I think« said the short chairman
warming his hands at the attendant linkboys torch
»I wish hed give em a squeeze and wake em« observed the long one
»Knock again will you if you please« cried Mrs Dowler from the chair
»Knock two or three times if you please«
The short man was quite willing to get the job over as soon as possible so
he stood on the step and gave four or five most startling double knocks of
eight or ten knocks a piece while the long man went into the road and looked
up at the windows for a light
Nobody came It was all as silent and dark as ever
»Dear me« said Mrs Dowler »You must knock again if you please«
»There aint a bell is there maam« said the short chairman
»Yes there is« interposed the linkboy »Ive been a ringing at it ever so
long«
»Its only a handle« said Mrs Dowler »the wires broken«
»I wish the servants heads wos« growled the long man
»I must trouble you to knock again if you please« said Mrs Dowler with
the utmost politeness
The short man did knock again several times without producing the smallest
effect The tall man growing very impatient then relieved him and kept on
perpetually knocking doubleknocks of two loud knocks each like an insane
postman
At length Mr Winkle began to dream that he was at a club and that the
members being very refractory the chairman was obliged to hammer the table a
good deal to preserve order then he had a confused notion of an auction room
where there were no bidders and the auctioneer was buying everything in and
ultimately he began to think it just within the bounds of possibility that
somebody might be knocking at the street door To make quite certain however
he remained quiet in bed for ten minutes or so and listened and when he had
counted two or three and thirty knocks he felt quite satisfied and gave
himself a great deal of credit for being so wakeful
»Rap rap rap rap rap rap ra ra ra ra ra rap« went the knocker
Mr Winkle jumped out of bed wondering very much what could possibly be the
matter and hastily putting on his stockings and slippers folded his dressing
gown round him lighted a flat candle from the rushlight that was burning in
the fireplace and hurried down stairs
»Heres somebody comin at last maam« said the short chairman
»I wish I wos behind him vith a bradawl« muttered the long one
»Whos there« cried Mr Winkle undoing the chain
»Dont stop to ask questions castiron head« replied the long man with
great disgust taking it for granted that the inquirer was a footman »but open
the door«
»Come look sharp timber eyelids« added the other encouragingly
Mr Winkle being half asleep obeyed the command mechanically opened the
door a little and peeped out The first thing he saw was the red glare of the
linkboys torch Startled by the sudden fear that the house might be on fire
he hastily threw the door wide open and holding the candle above his head
stared eagerly before him not quite certain whether what he saw was a
sedanchair or a fire engine At this instant there came a violent gust of wind
the light was blown out Mr Winkle felt himself irresistibly impelled on to the
steps and the door blew to with a loud crash
»Well young man now you have done it« said the short chairman
Mr Winkle catching sight of a ladys face at the window of the sedan
turned hastily round plied the knocker with all his might and main and called
frantically upon the chairman to take the chair away again
»Take it away take it away« cried Mr Winkle »Heres somebody coming out
of another house put me into the chair Hide me Do something with me«
All this time he was shivering with cold and every time he raised his hand
to the knocker the wind took the dressing gown in a most unpleasant manner
»The people are coming down the Crescent now There are ladies with em
cover me up with something Stand before me« roared Mr Winkle But the
chairmen were too much exhausted with laughing to afford him the slightest
assistance and the ladies were every moment approaching nearer and nearer
Mr Winkle gave a last hopeless knock the ladies were only a few doors off
He threw away the extinguished candle which all this time he had held above
his head and fairly bolted into the sedanchair where Mrs Dowler was
Now Mrs Craddock had heard the knocking and the voices at last and only
waiting to put something smarter on her head than her nightcap ran down into
the front drawingroom to make sure that it was the right party Throwing up the
windowsash as Mr Winkle was rushing into the chair she no sooner caught sight
of what was going forward below than she raised a vehement and dismal shriek
and implored Mr Dowler to get up directly for his wife was running away with
another gentleman
Upon this Mr Dowler bounced off the bed as abruptly as an Indiarubber
ball and rushing into the front room arrived at one window just as Mr
Pickwick threw up the other when the first object that met the gaze of both
was Mr Winkle bolting into the sedanchair
»Watchman« shouted Dowler furiously »stop him hold him keep him tight
shut him in till I come down Ill cut his throat give me a knife from
ear to ear Mrs Craddock I will« And breaking from the shrieking landlady
and from Mr Pickwick the indignant husband seized a small supperknife and
tore into the street
But Mr Winkle didnt wait for him He no sooner heard the horrible threat
of the valorous Dowler than he bounced out of the sedan quite as quickly as he
had bounced in and throwing off his slippers into the road took to his heels
and tore round the Crescent hotly pursued by Dowler and the watchman He kept
ahead the door was open as he came round the second time he rushed in slammed
it in Dowlers face mounted to his bedroom locked the door piled a
washhandstand chest of drawers and table against it and packed up a few
necessaries ready for flight with the first ray of morning
Dowler came up to the outside of the door avowed through the keyhole his
stedfast determination of cutting Mr Winkles throat next day and after a
great confusion of voices in the drawingroom amidst which that of Mr Pickwick
was distinctly heard endeavouring to make peace the inmates dispersed to their
several bedchambers and all was quiet once more
It is not unlikely that the inquiry may be made where Mr Weller was all
this time We will state where he was in the next chapter
Chapter XXXVII
Honorably Accounts for Mr Wellers Absence by Describing a Soiree to Which He
Was Invited and Went also Relates How He Was Entrusted by Mr Pickwick with a
Private Mission of Delicacy and Importance
»Mr Weller« said Mrs Craddock upon the morning of this very eventful day
»heres a letter for you«
»Wery odd that« said Sam »Im afeerd there must be somethin the matter
for I dont recollect any genlmn in my circle of acquaintance as is capable o
writin one«
»Perhaps something uncommon has taken place« observed Mrs Craddock
»It must be somethin wery uncommon indeed as could produce a letter out o
any friend o mine« replied Sam shaking his head dubiously »nothin less than
a natral conwulsion as the young genlmn observed ven he wos took with fits
It cant be from the govner« said Sam looking at the direction »He always
prints I know cos he learnt writin from the large bills in the bookin
offices Its a wery strange thing now where this here letter can ha come
from«
As Sam said this he did what a great many people do when they are uncertain
about the writer of a note looked at the seal and the at the front and then
at the back and then at the sides and then at the superscription and as a
last resource thought perhaps he might as well look at the inside and try to
find out from that
»Its wrote on giltedged paper« said Sam as he unfolded it »and sealed
in bronze vax with the top of a doorkey Now for it« And with a very grave
face Mr Weller slowly read as follows
»A select company of the Bath footmen presents their compliments to Mr
Weller and requests the pleasure of his company this evening to a
friendly swarry consisting of a boiled leg of mutton with the usual
trimmings The swarry to be on table at halfpast nine oclock
punctually«
This was inclosed in another note which ran thus
»Mr John Smauker the gentleman who had the pleasure of meeting Mr
Weller at the house of their mutual acquaintance Mr Bantam a few days
since begs to enclose Mr Weller the herewith invitation If Mr Weller
will call on Mr John Smauker at nine oclock Mr John Smauker will
have the pleasure of introducing Mr Weller
Signed
JOHN SMAUKER«
The envelope was directed to blank Weller Esq at Mr Pickwicks and in a
parenthesis in the left hand corner were the words airy bell as an
instruction to the bearer
»Vell« said Sam »this is comin it rayther powerful this is I never
heerd a biled leg o mutton called a swarry afore I wonder wot theyd call a
roast one«
However without waiting to debate the point Sam at once betook himself
into the presence of Mr Pickwick and requested leave of absence for that
evening which was readily granted With this permission and the streetdoor
key Sam Weller issued forth a little before the appointed time and strolled
leisurely towards Queen Square which he no sooner gained than he had the
satisfaction of beholding Mr John Smauker leaning his powdered head against a
lamp post at a short distance off smoking a cigar through an amber tube
»How do you do Mr Weller« said Mr John Smauker raising his hat
gracefully with one hand while he gently waved the other in a condescending
manner »How do you do sir«
»Why reasonably conwalessent« replied Sam »How do you find yourself my
dear feller«
»Only so so« said Mr John Smauker
»Ah youve been a workin too hard« observed Sam »I was fearful you
would it wont do you know you must not give way to that ere uncompromisin
spirit o yourn«
»Its not so much that Mr Weller« replied Mr John Smauker »as bad wine
Im afraid Ive been dissipating«
»Oh thats it is it« said Sam »thats a wery bad complaint that«
»And yet the temptation you see Mr Weller« observed Mr John Smauker
»Ah to be sure« said Sam
»Plunged into the very vortex of society you know Mr Weller« said Mr
John Smauker with a sigh
»Dreadful indeed« rejoined Sam
»But its always the way« said Mr John Smauker »if your destiny leads you
into public life and public station you must expect to be subjected to
temptations which other people is free from Mr Weller«
»Precisely what my uncle said ven he vent into the public line« remarked
Sam »and wery right the old genlmn wos for he drank hisself to death in
somethin less than a quarter«
Mr John Smauker looked deeply indignant at any parallel being drawn between
himself and the deceased gentleman in question but as Sams face was in the
most immoveable state of calmness he thought better of it and looked affable
again
»Perhaps we had better be walking« said Mr Smauker consulting a copper
timepiece which dwelt at the bottom of a deep watchpocket and was raised to
the surface by means of a black string with a copper key at the other end
»Praps we had« replied Sam »or theyll overdo the swarry and thatll
spile it«
»Have you drank the waters Mr Weller« inquired his companion as they
walked towards High Street
»Once« replied Sam
»What did you think of em sir«
»I thought they wos particklery unpleasant« replied Sam
»Ah« said Mr John Smauker »you disliked the killibeate taste perhaps«
»I dont know much about that ere« said Sam »I thought theyd a wery
strong flavour o warm flat irons«
»That is the killibeate Mr Weller« observed Mr John Smauker
contemptuously
»Well if it is its a wery inexpressive word thats all« said Sam »It
may be but I aint much in the chimical line myself so I cant say« And here
to the great horror of Mr John Smauker Sam Weller began to whistle
»I beg your pardon Mr Weller« said Mr John Smauker agonized at the
exceedingly ungenteel sound »Will you take my arm«
»Thankee youre wery good but I wont deprive you of it« replied Sam
»Ive rayther a way o puttin my hands in my pockets if its all the same to
you« As Sam said this he suited the action to the word and whistled far
louder than before
»This way« said his new friend apparently much relieved as they turned
down a bye street »we shall soon be there«
»Shall we« said Sam quite unmoved by the announcement of his close
vicinity to the select footmen of Bath
»Yes« said Mr John Smauker »Dont be alarmed Mr Weller«
»Oh no« said Sam
»Youll see some very handsome uniforms Mr Weller« continued Mr John
Smauker »and perhaps youll find some of the gentlemen rather high at first
you know but theyll soon come round«
»Thats wery kind on em« replied Sam
»And you know« resumed Mr John Smauker with an air of sublime protection
»you know as youre a stranger perhaps theyll be rather hard upon you at
first«
»They wont be wery cruel though will they« inquired Sam
»No no« replied Mr John Smauker pulling forth the foxs head and taking
a gentlemanly pinch »There are some funny dogs among us and they will have
their joke you know but you mustnt mind em you mustnt mind em«
»Ill try and bear up agin such a reglar knock down o talent« replied
Sam
»Thats right« said Mr John Smauker putting up the foxs head and
elevating his own »Ill stand by you«
By this time they had reached a small greengrocers shop which Mr John
Smauker entered followed by Sam who the moment he got behind him relapsed
into a series of the very broadest and most unmitigated grins and manifested
other demonstrations of being in a highly enviable state of inward merriment
Crossing the greengrocers shop and putting their hats on the stairs in the
little passage behind it they walked into a small parlour and here the full
splendour of the scene burst upon Mr Wellers view
A couple of tables were put together in the middle of the parlour covered
with three or four cloths of different ages and dates of washing arranged to
look as much like one as the circumstances of the case would allow Upon these
were laid knives and forks for six or eight people Some of the knife handles
were green others red and a few yellow and as all the forks were black the
combination of colours was exceedingly striking Plates for a corresponding
number of guests were warming behind the fender and the guests themselves were
warming before it the chief and most important of whom appeared to be a
stoutish gentleman in a bright crimson coat with long tails vividly red
breeches and a cocked hat who was standing with his back to the fire and had
apparently just entered for besides retaining his cocked hat on his head he
carried in his hand a high stick such as gentlemen of his profession usually
elevate in a sloping position over the roofs of carriages
»Smauker my lad your fin« said the gentleman with the cocked hat
Mr Smauker dovetailed the top joint of his right hand little finger into
that of the gentleman with the cocked hat and said he was charmed to see him
looking so well
»Well they tell me I am looking pretty blooming« said the man with the
cocked hat »and its a wonder too Ive been following our old woman about
two hours aday for the last fortnight and if a constant contemplation of the
manner in which she hooksandeyes that infernal lavender coloured old gown of
hers behind isnt enough to throw any body into a low state of despondency for
life stop my quarters salary«
At this the assembled selections laughed very heartily and one gentleman
in a yellow waistcoat with a coach trimming border whispered a neighbour in
green foil smalls that Tuckle was in spirits tonight
»By the bye« said Mr Tuckle »Smauker my boy you « The remainder of the
sentence was forwarded into Mr John Smaukers ear by whisper
»Oh dear me I quite forgot« said Mr John Smauker »Gentlemen my friend
Mr Weller«
»Sorry to keep the fire off you Weller« said Mr Tuckle with a familiar
nod »Hope youre not cold Weller«
»Not by no means Blazes« replied Sam »It ud be a wery chilly subject as
felt cold wen you stood opposit Youd save coals if they put you behind the
fender in the waitin room at a public office you would«
As this retort appeared to convey rather a personal allusion to Mr Tuckles
crimson livery that gentleman looked majestic for a few seconds but gradually
edging away from the fire broke into a forced smile and said it wasnt bad
»Wery much obliged for your good opinion sir« replied Sam »We shall get
on by degrees I dessay Well try a better one byeandbye«
At this point the conversation was interrupted by the arrival of a gentleman
in orangecoloured plush accompanied by another selection in purple cloth with
a great extent of stocking The new comers having been welcomed by the old ones
Mr Tuckle put the question that supper be ordered in which was carried
unanimously
The greengrocer and his wife then arranged upon the table a boiled leg of
mutton hot with caper sauce turnips and potatoes Mr Tuckle took the chair
and was supported at the other end of the board by the gentleman in orange
plush The greengrocer put on a pair of washleather gloves to hand the plates
with and stationed himself behind Mr Tuckles chair
»Harris« said Mr Tuckle in a commanding tone
»Sir« said the greengrocer
»Have you got your gloves on«
»Yes sir«
»Then take the kiver off«
»Yes sir«
The greengrocer did as he was told with a show of great humility and
obsequiously handed Mr Tuckle the carving knife in doing which he
accidentally gaped
»What do you mean by that sir« said Mr Tuckle with great asperity
»I beg your pardon sir« replied the crestfallen greengrocer »I didnt
mean to do it sir I was up very late last night sir«
»I tell you what my opinion of you is Harris« said Mr Tuckle with a most
impressive air »youre a wulgar beast«
»I hope gentlemen« said Harris »that you wont be severe with me
gentlemen Im very much obliged to you indeed gentlemen for your patronage
and also for your recommendations gentlemen whenever additional assistance in
waiting is required I hope gentlemen I give satisfaction«
»No you dont sir« said Mr Tuckle »Very far from it sir«
»We consider you an inattentive reskel« said the gentleman in the orange
plush
»And a low thief« added the gentleman in the greenfoil smalls
»And an unreclaimable blaygaird« added the gentleman in purple
The poor greengrocer bowed very humbly while these little epithets were
bestowed upon him in the true spirit of the very smallest tyranny and when
every body had said something to show his superiority Mr Tuckle proceeded to
carve the leg of mutton and to help the company
This important business of the evening had hardly commenced when the door
was thrown briskly open and another gentleman in a lightblue suit and leaden
buttons made his appearance
»Against the rules« said Mr Tuckle »Too late too late«
»No no positively I couldnt help it« said the gentleman in blue »I
appeal to the company An affair of gallantry now an appointment at the
theayter«
»Oh that indeed« said the gentleman in the orange plush
»Yes raly now honour bright« said the man in blue »I made a promese to
fetch our youngest daughter at halfpast ten and she is such an uncauminly fine
gal that I raly hadnt the art to disappint her No offence to the present
company sir but a petticut sir a petticut sir is irrevokeable«
»I begin to suspect theres something in that quarter« said Tuckle as the
new comer took his seat next Sam »Ive remarked once or twice that she leans
very heavy on your shoulder when she gets in and out of the carriage«
»Oh raly raly Tuckle you shouldnt« said the man in blue »Its not
fair I may have said to one or two friends that she was a very divine
creechure and had refused one or two offers without any hobvus cause but no
no no indeed Tuckle before strangers too its not right you shouldnt
Delicacy my dear friend delicacy« And the man in blue pulling up his
neckerchief and adjusting his coat cuffs nodded and frowned as if there were
more behind which he could say if he liked but was bound in honour to
suppress
The man in blue being a lighthaired stiffnecked free and easy sort of
footman with a swaggering air and pert face had attracted Mr Wellers
especial attention at first but when he began to come out in this way Sam felt
more than ever disposed to cultivate his acquaintance so he launched himself
into the conversation at once with characteristic independence
»Your health sir« said Sam »I like your conwersation much I think its
wery pretty«
At this the man in blue smiled as if it were a compliment he was well used
to but looked approvingly on Sam at the same time and said he hoped he should
be better acquainted with him for without any flattery at all he seemed to have
the makings of a very nice fellow about him and to be just the man after his
own heart
»Youre wery good sir« said Sam »What a lucky feller you are«
»How do you mean« inquired the gentleman in blue
»That ere young lady« replied Sam »She knows wots wot she does Ah I
see« Mr Weller closed one eye and shook his head from side to side in a
manner which was highly gratifying to the personal vanity of the gentleman in
blue
»Im afraid youre a cunning fellow Mr Weller« said that individual
»No no« said Sam »I leave all that ere to you Its a great deal more in
your way than mine as the genlmn on the right side o the garden vall said to
the man on the wrong un ven the mad bull wos a comin up the lane«
»Well well Mr Weller« said the gentleman in blue »I think she has
remarked my air and manner Mr Weller«
»I should think she couldnt wery well be off o that« said Sam
»Have you any little thing of that kind in hand sir« inquired the favoured
gentleman in blue drawing a toothpick from his waistcoat pocket
»Not exactly« said Sam »Theres no daughters at my place else o course I
should ha made up to vun on em As it is I dont think I can do with any
thin under a female markis I might take up with a young ooman o large
property as hadnt a title if she made wery fierce love to me Not else«
»Of course not Mr Weller« said the gentleman in blue »one cant be
troubled you know and we know Mr Weller we who are men of the world
that a good uniform must work its way with the women sooner or later In fact
thats the only thing between you and me that makes the service worth entering
into«
»Just so« said Sam »Thats it o course«
When this confidential dialogue had gone thus far glasses were placed
round and every gentleman ordered what he liked best before the publichouse
shut up The gentleman in blue and the man in orange who were the chief
exquisites of the party ordered »cold srub and water« but with the others gin
and water sweet appeared to be the favourite beverage Sam called the
greengrocer a »desprate willin« and ordered a large bowl of punch two
circumstances which seemed to raise him very much in the opinion of the
selections
»Gentlemen« said the man in blue with an air of the most consummate
dandyism »Ill give you the ladies come«
»Hear hear« said Sam »The young mississes«
Here there was a loud cry of Order and Mr John Smauker as the gentleman
who had introduced Mr Weller into that company begged to inform him that the
word he had just made use of was unparliamentary
»Which word was that ere sir« inquired Sam
»Mississes sir« replied Mr John Smauker with an alarming frown »We
dont recognise such distinctions here«
»Oh wery good« said Sam »then Ill amend the observation and call em
the dear creeturs if Blazes vill allow me«
Some doubt appeared to exist in the mind of the gentleman in the greenfoil
smalls whether the chairman could be legally appealed to as Blazes but as the
company seemed more disposed to stand upon their own rights than his the
question was not raised The man with the cocked hat breathed short and looked
long at Sam but apparently thought it as well to say nothing in case he should
get the worst of it
After a short silence a gentleman in an embroidered coat reaching down to
his heels and a waistcoat of the same which kept one half of his legs warm
stirred his gin and water with great energy and putting himself upon his feet
all at once by a violent effort said he was desirous of offering a few remarks
to the company whereupon the person in the cocked hat had no doubt that the
company would be very happy to hear any remarks that the man in the long coat
might wish to offer
»I feel a great delicacy gentlemen in coming forard« said the man in the
long coat »having the misforchune to be a coachman and being only admitted as
a honorary member of these agreeable swarrys but I do feel myself bound
gentlemen drove into a corner if I may use the expression to make known an
afflicting circumstance which has come to my knowledge which has happened I may
say within the soap of my every day contemplation Gentlemen our friend Mr
Whiffers everybody looked at the individual in orange our friend Mr Whiffers
has resigned«
Universal astonishment fell upon the hearers Each gentleman looked in his
neighbours face and then transferred his glance to the upstanding coachman
»You may well be sapparised gentlemen« said the coachman »I will not
wenchure to state the reasons of this irrepairabel loss to the service but I
will beg Mr Whiffers to state them himself for the improvement and imitation
of his admiring friend«
The suggestion being loudly approved of Mr Whiffers explained He said he
certainly could have wished to have continued to hold the appointment he had
just resigned The uniform was extremely rich and expensive the females of the
family was most agreeable and the duties of the situation was not he was bound
to say too heavy the principal service that was required of him being that
he should look out of the hall window as much as possible in company with
another gentleman who had also resigned He could have wished to have spared
that company the painful and disgusting detail on which he was about to enter
but as the explanation had been demanded of him he had no alternative but to
state boldly and distinctly that he had been required to eat cold meat
It is impossible to conceive the disgust which this avowal awakened in the
bosoms of the hearers Loud cries of »Shame« mingled with groans and hisses
prevailed for a quarter of an hour
Mr Whiffers then added that he feared a portion of this outrage might be
traced to his own forbearing and accommodating disposition He had a distinct
recollection of having once consented to eat salt butter and he had moreover
on an occasion of sudden sickness in the house so far forgotten himself as to
carry a coal scuttle up to the second floor He trusted he had not lowered
himself in the good opinion of his friends by this frank confession of his
faults and he hoped the promptness with which he had resented the last unmanly
outrage on his feelings to which he had referred would reinstate him in their
good opinion if he had
Mr Whiffers address was responded to with a shout of admiration and the
health of the interesting martyr was drunk in a most enthusiastic manner for
this the martyr returned thanks and proposed their visitor Mr Weller a
gentleman whom he had not the pleasure of an intimate acquaintance with but who
was the friend of Mr John Smauker which was a sufficient letter of
recommendation to any society of gentlemen whatever or wherever On this
account he should have been disposed to have given Mr Wellers health with all
the honours if his friends had been drinking wine but as they were taking
spirits by way of a change and as it might be inconvenient to empty a tumbler
at every toast he should propose that the honours be understood
At the conclusion of this speech everybody took a sip in honour of Sam and
Sam having ladled out and drunk two full glasses of punch in honour of
himself returned thanks in a neat speech
»Wery much obliged to you old fellers« said Sam ladling away at the punch
in the most unembarrassed manner possible »for this here compliment wich
comin from sich a quarter is wery overvelmin Ive heerd a good deal on you
as a body but I will say that I never thought you was sich uncommon nice men
as I find you air I only hope youll take care o yourselves and not
compromise nothin o your dignity which is a wery charmin thing to see when
ones out a walkin and has always made me wery happy to look at ever since I
was a boy about half as high as the brassheaded stick o my wery respectable
friend Blazes there As to the wictim of oppression in the suit o brimstone
all I can say of him is that I hope hell get jist as good a berth as he
deserves in vich case its wery little cold swarry as ever hell be troubled
with agin«
Here Sam sat down with a pleasant smile and his speech having been
vociferously applauded the company broke up
»Why you dont mean to say youre a goin old feller« said Sam Weller to
his friend Mr John Smauker
»I must indeed« said Mr Smauker »I promised Bantam«
»Oh wery well« said Sam »thats another thing Praps hed resign if you
disappinted him You aint a goin Blazes«
»Yes I am« said the man with the cocked hat
»Wot and leave three quarters of a bowl of punch behind you« said Sam
»nonsense set down agin«
Mr Tuckle was not proof against this invitation He laid aside the cocked
hat and stick which he had just taken up and said he would have one glass for
good fellowships sake
As the gentleman in blue went home the same way as Mr Tuckle he was
prevailed upon to stop too When the punch was about half gone Sam ordered in
some oysters from the greengrocers shop and the effect of both was so
extremely exhilarating that Mr Tackle dressed out with the cocked hat and
stick danced the frog hornpipe among the shells on the table while the
gentleman in blue played an accompaniment upon an ingenious musical instrument
formed of a hair comb and a curlpaper At last when the punch was all gone
and the night nearly so they sallied forth to see each other home Mr Tuckle
no sooner got into the open air than he was seized with a sudden desire to lie
on the curbstone Sam thought it would be a pity to contradict him and so let
him have his own way As the cocked hat would have been spoilt if left there
Sam very considerately flattened it down on the head of the gentleman in blue
and putting the big stick in his hand propped him up against his own
streetdoor rang the bell and walked quietly home
At a much earlier hour next morning than his usual time of rising Mr
Pickwick walked down stairs completely dressed and rang the bell
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick when Mr Weller appeared in reply to the summons
»shut the door«
Mr Weller did so
»There was an unfortunate occurrence here last night Sam« said Mr
Pickwick »which gave Mr Winkle some cause to apprehend violence from Mr
Dowler«
»So Ive heerd from the old lady down stairs sir« replied Sam
»And Im sorry to say Sam« continued Mr Pickwick with a most perplexed
countenance »that in dread of this violence Mr Winkle has gone away«
»Gone avay« said Sam
»Left the house early this morning without the slightest previous
communication with me« replied Mr Pickwick »And is gone I know not where«
»He should ha stopped and fought it out sir« replied Sam contemptuously
»It wouldnt take much to settle that ere Dowler sir«
»Well Sam« said Mr Pickwick »I may have my doubts of his great bravery
and determination also But however that may be Mr Winkle is gone He must be
found Sam Found and brought back to me«
»And spose he wont come back sir« said Sam
»He must be made Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»Whos to do it sir« inquired Sam with a smile
»You« replied Mr Pickwick
»Wery good sir«
With these words Mr Weller left the room and immediately afterwards was
heard to shut the street door In two hours time he returned with as much
coolness as if he had been despatched on the most ordinary message possible and
brought the information that an individual in every respect answering Mr
Winkles description had gone over to Bristol that morning by the branch coach
from the Royal Hotel
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick grasping his hand »youre a capital fellow an
invaluable fellow You must follow him Sam«
»Certnly sir« replied Mr Weller
»The instant you discover him write to me immediately Sam« said Mr
Pickwick »If he attempts to run away from you knock him down or lock him up
You have my full authority Sam«
»Ill be wery careful sir« rejoined Sam
»Youll tell him« said Mr Pickwick »that I am highly excited highly
displeased and naturally indignant at the very extraordinary course he has
thought proper to pursue«
»I will sir« replied Sam
»Youll tell him« said Mr Pickwick »that if he does not come back to this
very house with you he will come back with me for I will come and fetch him«
»Ill mention that ere sir« rejoined Sam
»You think you can find him Sam« said Mr Pickwick looking earnestly in
his face
»Oh Ill find him if hes any vere« rejoined Sam with great confidence
»Very well« said Mr Pickwick »Then the sooner you go the better«
With these instructions Mr Pickwick placed a sum of money in the hands of
his faithful servitor and ordered him to start for Bristol immediately in
pursuit of the fugitive
Sam put a few necessaries in a carpet bag and was ready for starting He
stopped when he had got to the end of the passage and walking quietly back
thrust his head in at the parlour door
»Sir« whispered Sam
»Well Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»I fully understands my instructions do I sir« inquired Sam
»I hope so« said Mr Pickwick
»Its reglarly understood about the knockin down is it sir« inquired
Sam
»Perfectly« replied Mr Pickwick »Thoroughly Do what you think necessary
You have my orders«
Sam gave a nod of intelligence and withdrawing his head from the door set
forth on his pilgrimage with a light heart
Chapter XXXVIII
How Mr Winkle When He Stepped Out of the FryingPan Walked Gently and
Comfortably into the Fire
The illstarred gentleman who had been the unfortunate cause of the unusual
noise and disturbance which alarmed the inhabitants of the Royal Crescent in
manner and form already described after passing a night of great confusion and
anxiety left the roof beneath which his friends still slumbered bound he knew
not whither The excellent and considerate feelings which prompted Mr Winkle to
take this step can never be too highly appreciated or too warmly extolled »If«
reasoned Mr Winkle with himself »if this Dowler attempts as I have no doubt
he will to carry into execution his threat of personal violence against myself
it will be incumbent on me to call him out He has a wife that wife is attached
to and dependent on him Heavens If I should kill him in the blindness of my
wrath what would be my feelings ever afterwards« This painful consideration
operated so powerfully on the feelings of the humane young man as to cause his
knees to knock together and his countenance to exhibit alarming manifestations
of inward emotion Impelled by such reflections he grasped his carpetbag and
creeping stealthily down stairs shut the detestable streetdoor with as little
noise as possible and walked off Bending his steps towards the Royal Hotel he
found a coach on the point of starting for Bristol and thinking Bristol as
good a place for his purpose as any other he could go to he mounted the box
and reached his place of destination in such time as the pair of horses who
went the whole stage and back again twice a day or more could be reasonably
supposed to arrive there
He took up his quarters at The Bush and designing to postpone any
communication by letter with Mr Pickwick until it was probable that Mr
Dowlers wrath might have in some degree evaporated walked forth to view the
city which struck him as being a shade more dirty than any place he had ever
seen Having inspected the docks and shipping and viewed the cathedral he
inquired his way to Clifton and being directed thither took the route which
was pointed out to him But as the pavements of Bristol are not the widest or
cleanest upon earth so its streets are not altogether the straightest or least
intricate Mr Winkle being greatly puzzled by their manifold windings and
twistings looked about him for a decent shop in which he could apply afresh
for counsel and instruction
His eye fell upon a newlypainted tenement which had been recently converted
into something between a shop and a privatehouse and which a red lamp
projecting over the fanlight of the streetdoor would have sufficiently
announced as the residence of a medical practitioner even if the word Surgery
had not been inscribed in golden characters on a wainscot ground above the
window of what in times bygone had been the front parlour Thinking this an
eligible place wherein to make his inquiries Mr Winkle stepped into the little
shop where the giltlabelled drawers and bottles were and finding nobody there
knocked with a halfcrown on the counter to attract the attention of anybody
who might happen to be in the back parlour which he judged to be the innermost
and peculiar sanctum of the establishment from the repetition of the word
surgery on the door painted in white letters this time by way of taking off
the monotony
At the first knock a sound as of persons fencing with fireirons which
had until now been very audible suddenly ceased at the second a
studiouslooking young gentleman in green spectacles with a very large book in
his hand glided quietly into the shop and stepping behind the counter
requested to know the visitors pleasure
»I am sorry to trouble you sir« said Mr Winkle »but will you have the
goodness to direct me to «
»Ha ha ha« roared the studious young gentleman throwing the large book
up into the air and catching it with great dexterity at the very moment when it
threatened to smash to atoms all the bottles on the counter »Heres a start«
There was without doubt for Mr Winkle was so very much astonished at the
extraordinary behaviour of the medical gentleman that he involuntarily
retreated towards the door and looked very much disturbed at his strange
reception
»What dont you know me« said the medical gentleman
Mr Winkle murmured in reply that he had not that pleasure
»Why then« said the medical gentleman »there are hopes for me yet I may
attend half the old women in Bristol if Ive decent luck Get out you mouldy
old villain get out« With this adjuration which was addressed to the large
book the medical gentleman kicked the volume with remarkable agility to the
further end of the shop and pulling of his green spectacles grinned the
identical grin of Robert Sawyer Esquire formerly of Guys Hospital in the
Borough with a private residence in Lant Street
»You dont mean to say you werent down upon me« said Mr Bob Sawyer
shaking Mr Winkles hand with friendly warmth
»Upon my word I was not« replied Mr Winkle returning the pressure
»I wonder you didnt see the name« said Bob Sawyer calling his friends
attention to the outer door on which in the same white paint were traced the
words »Sawyer late Nockemorf«
»It never caught my eye« returned Mr Winkle
»Lord if I had known who you were I should have rushed out and caught you
in my arms« said Bob Sawyer »but upon my life I thought you were the
Kingstaxes«
»No« said Mr Winkle
»I did indeed« responded Bob Sawyer »and I was just going to say that I
wasnt at home but if youd leave a message Id be sure to give it to myself
for he dont know me no more does the Lighting and Paving I think the
Churchrates guesses who I am and I know the Waterworks does because I drew a
tooth of his when I first came down here But come in come in« Chattering in
this way Mr Bob Sawyer pushed Mr Winkle into the back room where amusing
himself by boring little circular caverns in the chimneypiece with a redhot
poker sat no less a person than Mr Benjamin Allen
»Well« said Mr Winkle »This is indeed a pleasure I did not expect What a
very nice place you have here«
»Pretty well pretty well« replied Bob Sawyer »I passed soon after that
precious party and my friends came down with the needful for this business so
I put on a black suit of clothes and a pair of spectacles and came here to
look as solemn as I could«
»And a very snug little business you have no doubt« said Mr Winkle
knowingly
»Very« replied Bob Sawyer »So snug that at the end of a few years you
might put all the profits in a wine glass and cover em over with a gooseberry
leaf«
»You cannot surely mean that« said Mr Winkle »The stock itself «
»Dummies my dear boy« said Bob Sawyer »half the drawers have nothing in
em and the other half dont open«
»Nonsense« said Mr Winkle
»Fact honor« returned Bob Sawyer stepping out into the shop and
demonstrating the veracity of the assertion by divers hard pulls at the little
gilt knobs on the counterfeit drawers »Hardly anything real in the shop but the
leeches and they are secondhand«
»I shouldnt have thought it« exclaimed Mr Winkle much surprised
»I hope not« replied Bob Sawyer »else wheres the use of appearances eh
But what will you take Do as we do Thats right Ben my fine fellow put your
hand into the cupboard and bring out the patent digester«
Mr Benjamin Allen smiled his readiness and produced from the closet at his
elbow a black bottle half full of brandy
»You dont take water of course« said Bob Sawyer
»Thank you« replied Mr Winkle »Its rather early I should like to
qualify it if you have no objection«
»None in the least if you can reconcile it to your conscience« replied Bob
Sawyer tossing off as he spoke a glass of the liquor with great relish »Ben
the pipkin«
Mr Benjamin Allen drew forth from the same hidingplace a small brass
pipkin which Bob Sawyer observed he prided himself upon particularly because
it looked so businesslike The water in the professional pipkin having been
made to boil in course of time by various little shovelsfull of coal which
Mr Bob Sawyer took out of a practicable windowseat labelled Soda Water Mr
Winkle adulterated his brandy and the conversation was becoming general when
it was interrupted by the entrance into the shop of a boy in a sober grey
livery and a goldlaced hat with a small covered basket under his arm whom Mr
Bob Sawyer immediately hailed with »Tom you vagabond come here«
The boy presented himself accordingly
»Youve been stopping to over all the posts in Bristol you idle young
scamp« said Mr Bob Sawyer
»No sir I havent« replied the boy
»You had better not« said Mr Bob Sawyer with a threatening aspect »Who
do you suppose will ever employ a professional man when they see his boy
playing at marbles in the gutter or flying the garter in the horseroad Have
you no feeling for your profession you groveller Did you leave all the
medicine«
»Yes sir«
»The powders for the child at the large house with the new family and the
pills to be taken four times a day at the illtempered old gentlemans with the
gouty leg«
»Yes sir«
»Then shut the door and mind the shop«
»Come« said Mr Winkle as the boy retired »things are not quite so bad as
you would have me believe either There is some medicine to be sent out«
Mr Bob Sawyer peeped into the shop to see that no stranger was within
hearing and leaning forward to Mr Winkle said in a low tone
»He leaves it all at the wrong houses«
Mr Winkle looked perplexed and Bob Sawyer and his friend laughed
»Dont you see« said Bob »He goes up to a house rings the area bell
pokes a packet of medicine without a direction into the servants hand and
walks off Servant takes it into the diningparlour master opens it and reads
the label Draught to be taken at bedtime pills as before lotion as usual
the powder From Sawyers late Nockemorfs Physicians prescriptions carefully
prepared and all the rest of it Shows it to his wife she reads the label it
goes down to the servants they read the label Next day boy calls Very sorry
his mistake immense business great many parcels to deliver Mr Sawyers
compliments late Nockemorf The name gets known and thats the thing my boy
in the medical way Bless your heart old fellow its better than all the
advertising in the world We have got one fourounce bottle thats been to half
the houses in Bristol and hasnt done yet«
»Dear me I see« observed Mr Winkle »what an excellent plan«
»Oh Ben and I have hit upon a dozen such« replied Bob Sawyer with great
glee »The lamplighter has eighteenpence a week to pull the nightbell for ten
minutes every time he comes round and my boy always rushes into church just
before the psalms when the people have got nothing to do but look about em
and calls me out with horror and dismay depicted on his countenance Bless my
soul everybody says somebody taken suddenly ill Sawyer late Nockemorf sent
for What a business that young man has«
At the termination of this disclosure of some of the mysteries of medicine
Mr Bob Sawyer and his friend Ben Allen threw themselves back in their
respective chairs and laughed boisterously When they had enjoyed the joke to
their hearts content the discourse changed to topics in which Mr Winkle was
more immediately interested
We think we have hinted elsewhere that Mr Benjamin Allen had a way of
becoming sentimental after brandy The case is not a peculiar one as we
ourselves can testify having on a few occasions had to deal with patients who
have been afflicted in a similar manner At this precise period of his
existence Mr Benjamin Allen had perhaps a greater predisposition to maudlinism
than he had ever known before the cause of which malady was briefly this He
had been staying nearly three weeks with Mr Bob Sawyer Mr Bob Sawyer was not
remarkable for temperance nor was Mr Benjamin Allen for the ownership of a
very strong head the consequence was that during the whole space of time just
mentioned Mr Benjamin Allen had been wavering between intoxication partial
and intoxication complete
»My dear friend« said Mr Ben Allen taking advantage of Mr Bob Sawyers
temporary absence behind the counter whither he had retired to dispense some of
the secondhand leeches previously referred to »my dear friend I am very
miserable«
Mr Winkle professed his heartfelt regret to hear it and begged to know
whether he could do anything to alleviate the sorrows of the suffering student
»Nothing my dear boy nothing« said Ben »You recollect Arabella Winkle
My sister Arabella a little girl Winkle with black eyes when we were down
at Wardles I dont know whether you happened to notice her a nice little
girl Winkle Perhaps my features may recal her countenance to your
recollection«
Mr Winkle required nothing to recal the charming Arabella to his mind and
it was rather fortunate he did not for the features of her brother Benjamin
would unquestionably have proved but an indifferent refresher to his memory He
answered with as much calmness as he could assume that he perfectly remembered
the young lady referred to and sincerely trusted she was in good health
»Our friend Bob is a delightful fellow Winkle« was the only reply of Mr
Ben Allen
»Very« said Mr Winkle not much relishing this close connexion of the two
names
»I designed em for each other they were made for each other sent into the
world for each other born for each other Winkle« said Mr Ben Allen setting
down his glass with emphasis »Theres a special destiny in the matter my dear
sir theres only five years difference between em and both their birthdays
are in August«
Mr Winkle was too anxious to hear what was to follow to express much
wonderment at this extraordinary coincidence marvellous as it was so Mr Ben
Allen after a tear or two went on to say that notwithstanding all his esteem
and respect and veneration for his friend Arabella had unaccountably and
undutifully evinced the most determined antipathy to his person
»And I think« said Mr Ben Allen in conclusion »I think theres a prior
attachment«
»Have you any idea who the object of it might be« asked Mr Winkle with
great trepidation
Mr Ben Allen seized the poker flourished it in a warlike manner above his
head inflicted a savage blow on an imaginary skull and wound up by saying in
a very expressive manner that he only wished he could guess that was all
»Id show him what I thought of him« said Mr Ben Allen And round went the
poker again more fiercely than before
All this was of course very soothing to the feelings of Mr Winkle who
remained silent for a few minutes but at length mustered up resolution to
inquire whether Miss Allen was in Kent
»No no« said Mr Ben Allen laying aside the poker and looking very
cunning »I didnt think Wardles exactly the place for a headstrong girl so
as I am her natural protector and guardian our parents being dead I have
brought her down into this part of the country to spend a few months at an old
aunts in a nice dull close place I think that will cure her my boy If it
doesnt Ill take her abroad for a little while and see what thatll do«
»Oh the aunts is in Bristol is it« faltered Mr Winkle
»No no not in Bristol« replied Mr Ben Allen jerking his thumb over his
right shoulder »over that way down there But hush heres Bob Not a word
my dear friend not a word«
Short as this conversation was it roused in Mr Winkle the highest degree
of excitement and anxiety The suspected prior attachment rankled in his heart
Could he be the object of it Could it be for him that the fair Arabella had
looked scornfully on the sprightly Bob Sawyer or had he a successful rival He
determined to see her cost what it might but here an insurmountable objection
presented itself for whether the explanatory »over that way« and »down there«
of Mr Ben Allen meant three miles off or thirty or three hundred he could
in no wise guess
But he had no opportunity of pondering over his love just then for Bob
Sawyers return was the immediate precursor of the arrival of a meat pie from
the bakers of which that gentleman insisted on his staying to partake The
cloth was laid by an occasional charwoman who officiated in the capacity of Mr
Bob Sawyers housekeeper and a third knife and fork having been borrowed from
the mother of the boy in the grey livery for Mr Sawyers domestic arrangements
were as yet conducted on a limited scale they sat down to dinner the beer
being served up as Mr Sawyer remarked »in its native pewter«
After dinner Mr Bob Sawyer ordered in the largest mortar in the shop and
proceeded to brew a reeking jorum of rumpunch therein stirring up and
amalgamating the materials with a pestle in a very creditable and
apothecarylike manner Mr Sawyer being a bachelor had only one tumbler in
the house which was assigned to Mr Winkle as a compliment to the visitor Mr
Ben Allen being accommodated with a funnel with a cork in the narrow end and
Bob Sawyer contented himself with one of these widelipped crystal vessels
inscribed with a variety of cabalistic characters in which chemists are wont to
measure out their liquid drugs in compounding prescriptions These preliminaries
adjusted the punch was tasted and pronounced excellent and it having been
arranged that Bob Sawyer and Ben Allen should be considered at liberty to fill
twice to Mr Winkles once they started fair with great satisfaction and
goodfellowship
There was no singing because Mr Bob Sawyer said it wouldnt look
professional but to make amends for this deprivation there was so much talking
and laughing that it might have been heard and very likely was at the end of
the street Which conversation materially lightened the hours and improved the
mind of Mr Bob Sawyers boy who instead of devoting the evening to his
ordinary occupation of writing his name on the counter and rubbing it out
again peeped through the glass door and thus listened and looked on at the
same time
The mirth of Mr Bob Sawyer was rapidly ripening into the furious Mr Ben
Allen was fast relapsing into the sentimental and the punch had wellnigh
disappeared altogether when the boy hastily running in announced that a young
woman had just come over to say that Sawyer late Nockemorf was wanted directly
a couple of streets off This broke up the party Mr Bob Sawyer understanding
the message after some twenty repetitions tied a wet cloth round his head to
sober himself and having partially succeeded put on his green spectacles and
issued forth Resisting all entreaties to stay till he came back and finding it
quite impossible to engage Mr Ben Allen in any intelligible conversation on the
subject nearest his heart or indeed on any other Mr Winkle took his
departure and returned to the Bush
The anxiety of his mind and the numerous meditations which Arabella had
awakened prevented his share of the mortar of punch producing that effect upon
him which it would have had under other circumstances So after taking a glass
of sodawater and brandy at the bar he turned into the coffeeroom dispirited
rather than elevated by the occurrences of the evening
Sitting in the front of the fire with his back towards him was a tallish
gentleman in a greatcoat the only other occupant of the room It was rather a
cool evening for the season of the year and the gentleman drew his chair aside
to afford the new comer a sight of the fire What were Mr Winkles feelings
when in doing so he disclosed to view the face and figure of the vindictive
and sanguinary Dowler
Mr Winkles first impulse was to give a violent pull at the nearest
bellhandle but that unfortunately happened to be immediately behind Mr
Dowlers head He had made one step towards it before he checked himself As he
did so Mr Dowler very hastily drew back
»Mr Winkle sir Be calm Dont strike me I wont bear it A blow Never«
said Mr Dowler looking meeker than Mr Winkle had expected in a gentleman of
his ferocity
»A blow sir« stammered Mr Winkle
»A blow sir« replied Dowler »Compose your feelings Sit down Hear me«
»Sir« said Mr Winkle trembling from head to foot »before I consent to
sit down beside or opposite you without the presence of a waiter I must be
secured by some further understanding You used a threat against me last night
sir a dreadful threat sir« Here Mr Winkle turned very pale indeed and
stopped short
»I did« said Dowler with a countenance almost as white as Mr Winkles
»Circumstances were suspicious They have been explained I respect your
bravery Your feeling is upright Conscious innocence Theres my hand Grasp
it«
»Really sir« said Mr Winkle hesitating whether to give his hand or not
and almost fearing that it was demanded in order that he might be taken at an
advantage »really sir I «
»I know what you mean« interposed Dowler »You feel aggrieved Very
natural So should I I was wrong I beg your pardon Be friendly Forgive me«
With this Dowler fairly forced his hand upon Mr Winkle and shaking it with
the utmost vehemence declared he was a fellow of extreme spirit and he had a
higher opinion of him than ever
»Now« said Dowler »sit down Relate it all How did you find me When did
you follow Be frank Tell me«
»Its quite accidental« replied Mr Winkle greatly perplexed by the
curious and unexpected nature of the interview »Quite«
»Glad of it« said Dowler »I woke this morning I had forgotten my threat
I laughed at the accident I felt friendly I said so«
»To whom« inquired Mr Winkle
»To Mrs Dowler You made a vow said she I did said I It was a rash one
said she It was said I Ill apologise Where is he«
»Who« inquired Mr Winkle
»You« replied Dowler »I went down stairs You were not to be found
Pickwick looked gloomy Shook his head Hoped no violence would be committed I
saw it all You felt yourself insulted You had gone for a friend perhaps
Possibly for pistols High spirit said I I admire him«
Mr Winkle coughed and beginning to see how the land lay assumed a look of
importance
»I left a note for you« resumed Dowler »I said I was sorry So I was
Pressing business called me here You were not satisfied You followed You
required a verbal explanation You were right Its all over now My business is
finished I go back tomorrow Join me«
As Dowler progressed in his explanation Mr Winkles countenance grew more
and more dignified The mysterious nature of the commencement of their
conversation was explained Mr Dowler had as great an objection to duelling as
himself in short this blustering and awful personage was one of the most
egregious cowards in existence, and interpreting Mr Winkles absence through
the medium of his own fears had taken the same step as himself and prudently
retired until all excitement of feeling should have subsided
As the real state of the case dawned upon Mr Winkles mind he looked very
terrible and said he was perfectly satisfied but at the same time said so
with an air that left Mr Dowler no alternative but to infer that if he had not
been something most horrible and destructive must inevitably have occurred Mr
Dowler appeared to be impressed with a becoming sense of Mr Winkles
magnanimity and condescension and the two belligerents parted for the night
with many protestations of eternal friendship
About halfpast twelve oclock when Mr Winkle had been revelling some
twenty minutes in the full luxury of his first sleep he was suddenly awakened
by a loud knocking at his chamberdoor which being repeated with increased
vehemence caused him to start up in bed and inquire who was there and what
the matter was
»Please sir heres a young man which says he must see you directly«
responded the voice of the chambermaid
»A young man« exclaimed Mr Winkle
»No mistake about that ere sir« replied another voice through the
keyhole »and if that wery same interestin young creetur aint let in vithout
delay its wery possible as his legs vill enter afore his countenance« The
young man gave a gentle kick at one of the lower panels of the door after he
had given utterance to this hint as if to add force and point to the remark
»Is that you Sam« inquired Mr Winkle springing out of bed
»Quite unpossible to identify any genlmn vith any degree o mental
satisfaction vithout lookin at him sir« replied the voice dogmatically
Mr Winkle not much doubting who the young man was unlocked the door
which he had no sooner done than Mr Samuel Weller entered with great
precipitation and carefully relocking it on the inside deliberately put the
key in his waistcoat pocket and after surveying Mr Winkle from head to foot
said
»Youre a wery humorous young genlmn you air sir«
»What do you mean by this conduct Sam« inquired Mr Winkle indignantly
»Get out sir this instant What do you mean sir«
»What do I mean« retorted Sam »come sir this is rayther too rich as the
young lady said wen she remonstrated with the pastrycook arter hed sold her
a porkpie as had got nothin but fat inside What do I mean Well that aint a
bad un that aint«
»Unlock that door and leave this room immediately sir« said Mr Winkle
»I shall leave this here room sir just precisely at the wery same moment
as you leaves it« responded Sam speaking in a forcible manner and seating
himself with perfect gravity »If I find it necessary to carry you away
pickaback o course I shall leave it the least bit o time possible afore
you but allow me to express a hope as you wont reduce me to extremities in
saying wich I merely quote wot the nobleman said to the fractious pennywinkle
ven he vouldnt come out of his shell by means of a pin and he conseqvently
began to be afeered that he should be obliged to crack him in the parlourdoor«
At the end of this address which was unusually lengthy for him Mr Weller
planted his hands on his knees and looked full in Mr Winkles face with an
expression of countenance which showed that he had not the remotest intention of
being trifled with
»Youre a amiablydisposed young man sir I dont think« resumed Mr
Weller in a tone of moral reproof »to go inwolving our precious governor in
all sorts o fanteegs wen hes made up his mind to go through every think for
principle Youre far worse nor Dodson sir and as for Fogg I consider him a
born angel to you« Mr Weller having accompanied this last sentiment with an
emphatic slap on each knee folded his arms with a look of great disgust and
threw himself back in his chair as if awaiting the criminals defence
»My good fellow« said Mr Winkle extending his hand his teeth chattering
all the time he spoke for he had been standing during the whole of Mr
Wellers lecture in his nightgear »My good fellow I respect your attachment
to my excellent friend and I am very sorry indeed to have added to his causes
for disquiet There Sam there«
»Well« said Sam rather sulkily but giving the proffered hand a respectful
shake at the same time »Well so you ought to be and I am very glad to find
you air for if I can help it I wont have him put upon by nobody and thats
all about it«
»Certainly not Sam« said Mr Winkle »There Now go to bed Sam and well
talk further about this in the morning«
»Im wery sorry« said Sam »but I cant go to bed«
»Not go to bed« repeated Mr Winkle
»No« said Sam shaking his head »Cant be done«
»You dont mean to say youre going back tonight Sam« urged Mr Winkle
greatly surprised
»Not unless you particklerly wish it« replied Sam »but I musnt leave this
here room The governors orders wos peremptory«
»Nonsense Sam« said Mr Winkle »I must stop here two or three days and
more than that Sam you must stop here too to assist me in gaining an
interview with a young lady Miss Allen Sam you remember her whom I must
and will see before I leave Bristol«
But in reply to each of these positions Sam shook his head with great
firmness and energetically replied »It cant be done«
After a great deal of argument and representation on the part of Mr Winkle
however and a full disclosure of what had passed in the interview with Dowler
Sam began to waver and at length a compromise was effected of which the
following were the main and principal conditions
That Sam should retire and leave Mr Winkle in the undisturbed possession
of his apartment on the condition that he had permission to lock the door on
the outside and carry off the key provided always that in the event of an
alarm of fire or other dangerous contingency the door should be instantly
unlocked That a letter should be written to Mr Pickwick early next morning
and forwarded per Dowler requesting his consent to Sam and Mr Winkles
remaining at Bristol for the purpose and with the object, already assigned
and begging an answer by the next coach if favourable the aforesaid parties to
remain accordingly and if not to return to Bath immediately on the receipt
thereof And lastly that Mr Winkle should be understood as distinctly
pledging himself not to resort to the window fireplace or other surreptitious
mode of escape in the meanwhile These stipulations having been concluded Sam
locked the door and departed
He had nearly got down stairs when he stopped and drew the key from his
pocket
»I quite forgot about the knockin down« said Sam half turning back »The
governor distinctly said it was to be done Amazin stupid o me that ere
Never mind« said Sam brightening up »its easily done tomorrow anyvays«
Apparently much consoled by this reflection Mr Weller once more deposited
the key in his pocket and descending the remainder of the stairs without any
fresh visitations of conscience was soon in common with the other inmates of
the house buried in profound repose
Chapter XXXIX
Mr Samuel Weller Being Entrusted with a Mission of Love Proceeds To Execute
It with What Success Will Hereinafter Appear
During the whole of next day Sam kept Mr Winkle steadily in sight fully
determined not to take his eye off him for one instant until he should receive
express instructions from the fountainhead However disagreeable Sams very
close watch and great vigilance were to Mr Winkle he thought it better to bear
with them than by any act of violent opposition to hazard being carried away
by force which Mr Weller more than once strongly hinted was the line of
conduct that a strict sense of duty prompted him to pursue There is little
reason to doubt that Sam would very speedily have quieted his scruples by
bearing Mr Winkle back to Bath bound hand and foot had not Mr Pickwicks
prompt attention to the note which Dowler had undertaken to deliver
forestalled any such proceeding In short at eight oclock in the evening Mr
Pickwick himself walked into the coffeeroom of the Bush tavern and told Sam
with a smile to his very great relief that he had done quite right and it was
unnecessary for him to mount guard any longer
»I thought it better to come myself« said Mr Pickwick addressing Mr
Winkle as Sam disencumbered him of his greatcoat and travelling shawl »to
ascertain before I gave my consent to Sams employment in this matter that you
are quite in earnest and serious with respect to this young lady«
»Serious from my heart from my soul« returned Mr Winkle with great
energy
»Remember« said Mr Pickwick with beaming eyes »we met her at our
excellent and hospitable friends Winkle It would be an ill return to tamper
lightly and without due consideration with this young ladys affections Ill
not allow that sir Ill not allow it«
»I have no such intention indeed« exclaimed Mr Winkle warmly »I have
considered the matter well for a long time and I feel that my happiness is
bound up in her«
»Thats wot we call tying it up in a small parcel sir« interposed Mr
Weller with an agreeable smile
Mr Winkle looked somewhat stern at this interruption and Mr Pickwick
angrily requested his attendant not to jest with one of the best feelings of our
nature to which Sam replied »That he wouldnt if he was aware on it but
there were so many on em that he hardly knowd which was the best ones wen he
heerd em mentioned«
Mr Winkle then recounted what had passed between himself and Mr Ben Allen
relative to Arabella stated that his object was to gain an interview with the
young lady and make a formal disclosure of his passion and declared his
conviction founded on certain dark hints and mutterings of the aforesaid Ben
that wherever she was at present immured it was somewhere near the Downs And
this was his whole stock of knowledge or suspicion on the subject
With this very slight clue to guide him it was determined that Mr Weller
should start next morning on an expedition of discovery it was also arranged
that Mr Pickwick and Mr Winkle who were less confident of their powers
should parade the town meanwhile and accidentally drop in upon Mr Bob Sawyer
in the course of the day in the hope of seeing or hearing something of the
young ladys whereabout
Accordingly next morning Sam Weller issued forth upon his quest in no way
daunted by the very discouraging prospect before him and away he walked up one
street and down another we were going to say up one hill and down another
only its all uphill at Clifton without meeting with anything or anybody that
tended to throw the faintest light on the matter in hand Many were the
colloquies into which Sam entered with grooms who were airing horses on roads
and nursemaids who were airing children in lanes but nothing could Sam elicit
from either the firstmentioned or the last which bore the slightest reference
to the object of his artfullyprosecuted inquiries There were a great many
young ladies in a great many houses the greater part whereof were shrewdly
suspected by the male and female domestics to be deeply attached to somebody or
perfectly ready to become so if opportunity offered But as none among these
young ladies was Miss Arabella Allen the information left Sam at exactly the
old point of wisdom at which he had stood before
Sam struggled across the Downs against a good high wind wondering whether
it was always necessary to hold your hat on with both hands in that part of the
country and came to a shady byplace about which were sprinkled several little
villas of quiet and secluded appearance Outside a stabledoor at the bottom of
a long back lane without a thoroughfare a groom in undress was idling about
apparently persuading himself that he was doing something with a spade and a
wheelbarrow We may remark in this place that we have scarcely ever seen a
groom near a stable in his lazy moments who has not been to a greater or less
extent the victim of this singular delusion
Sam thought he might as well talk to this groom as to any one else
especially as he was very tired with walking and there was a good large stone
just opposite the wheelbarrow so he strolled down the lane and seating
himself on the stone opened a conversation with the ease and freedom for which
he was remarkable
»Mornin old friend« said Sam
»Arternoon you mean« replied the groom casting a surly look at Sam
»Youre wery right old friend« said Sam »I do mean arternoon How are
you«
»Why I dont find myself much the better for seeing of you« replied the
illtempered groom
»Thats wery odd that is« said Sam »for you look so uncommon cheerful
and seem altogether so lively that it does vuns heart good to see you«
The surly groom looked surlier still at this but not sufficiently so to
produce any effect upon Sam who immediately inquired with a countenance of
great anxiety whether his masters name was not Walker
»No it aint« said the groom
»Nor Brown I spose« said Sam
»No it aint«
»Nor Vilson«
»No nor that neither« said the groom
»Vell« replied Sam »then Im mistaken and he hasnt got the honor o my
acquaintance which I thought he had Dont wait here out o compliment to me«
said Sam as the groom wheeled in the barrow and prepared to shut the gate
»Ease afore ceremony old boy Ill excuse you«
»Id knock your head off for halfacrown« said the surly groom bolting
one half of the gate
»Couldnt afford to have it done on those terms« rejoined Sam »It ud be
worth a lifes board vages at least to you and ud be cheap at that Make my
compliments in doors Tell em not to vait dinner for me and say they neednt
mind puttin any by for itll be cold afore I come in«
In reply to this the groom waxing very wrath muttered a desire to damage
somebodys person but disappeared without carrying it into execution slamming
the door angrily after him and wholly unheeding Sams affectionate request
that he would leave him a lock of his hair before he went
Sam continued to sit on the large stone meditating upon what was best to be
done and revolving in his mind a plan for knocking at all the doors within five
miles of Bristol taking them at a hundred and fifty or two hundred a day and
endeavouring to find Miss Arabella by that expedient when accident all of a
sudden threw in his way what he might have sat there for a twelvemonth and yet
not found without it
Into the lane where he sat there opened three or four gardengates
belonging to as many houses which though detached from each other were only
separated by their gardens As these were large and long and well planted with
trees the houses were not only at some distance off but the greater part of
them were nearly concealed from view Sam was sitting with his eyes fixed upon
the dustheap outside the next gate to that by which the groom had disappeared
profoundly turning over in his mind the difficulties of his present undertaking
when the gate opened and a female servant came out into the lane to shake some
bedside carpets
Sam was so very busy with his own thoughts that it is probable he would
have taken no more notice of the young woman than just raising his head and
remarking that she had a very neat and pretty figure if his feelings of
gallantry had not been most strongly roused by observing that she had no one to
help her and that the carpets seemed too heavy for her single strength Mr
Weller was a gentleman of great gallantry in his own way and he no sooner
remarked this circumstance than he hastily rose from the large stone and
advanced towards her
»My dear« said Sam sliding up with an air of great respect »Youll spile
that wery pretty figure out o all perportion if you shake them carpets by
yourself Let me help you«
The young lady who had been coyly affecting not to know that a gentleman
was so near turned round as Sam spoke no doubt indeed she said so
afterwards to decline this offer from a perfect stranger when instead of
speaking she started back and uttered a halfsuppressed scream Sam was
scarcely less stupefied for in the countenance of the wellshaped female
servant he beheld the very eyes of his Valentine the pretty housemaid from Mr
Nupkinss
»Wy Mary my dear« said Sam
»Lauk Mr Weller« said Mary »how you do frighten one«
Sam made no verbal answer to this complaint nor can we precisely say what
reply he did make We merely know that after a short pause Mary said »Lor do
adun Mr Weller« and that his hat had fallen off a few moments before from
both of which tokens we should be disposed to infer that one kiss or more had
passed between the parties
»Why how did you come here« said Mary when the conversation to which this
interruption had been offered was resumed
»O course I came to look arter you my darlin« replied Mr Weller for
once permitting his passion to get the better of his veracity
»And how did you know I was here« inquired Mary »Who could have told you
that I took another service at Ipswich and that they afterwards moved all the
way here Who could have told you that Mr Weller«
»Ah to be sure« said Sam with a cunning look »thats the pint Who could
ha told me«
»It wasnt Mr Muzzle was it« inquired Mary
»Oh no« replied Sam with a solemn shake of the head »it warnt him«
»It must have been the cook« said Mary
»O course it must« said Sam
»Well I never heard the like of that« exclaimed Mary
»No more did I« said Sam »But Mary my dear« here Sams manner grew
extremely affectionate »Mary my dear Ive got another affair in hand as is
wery pressin Theres one o my governors friends Mr Winkle you remember
him«
»Him in the green coat« said Mary »Oh yes I remember him«
»Well« said Sam »hes in a horrid state o love reglarly comfoozled and
done over with it«
»Lor« interposed Mary
»Yes« said Sam »but thats nothin if we could find out the young ooman«
and here Sam with many digressions upon the personal beauty of Mary and the
unspeakable tortures he had experienced since he last saw her gave a faithful
account of Mr Winkles present predicament
»Well« said Mary »I never did«
»O course not« said Sam »and nobody never did nor never vill neither
and here am I a walkin about like the wandering Jew a sportin character you
have perhaps heerd on Mary my dear as wos alvays doin a match agin time
and never vent to sleep looking arter this here Miss Arabella Allen«
»Miss who« said Mary in great astonishment
»Miss Arabella Allen« said Sam
»Goodness gracious« said Mary pointing to the garden door which the sulky
groom had locked after him »Why its that very house shes been living there
these six weeks Their upper housemaid which is ladys maid too told me all
about it over the washhouse palins before the family was out of bed one
mornin«
»Wot the wery next door to you« said Sam
»The very next« replied Mary
Mr Weller was so deeply overcome on receiving this intelligence that he
found it absolutely necessary to cling to his fair informant for support and
divers little love passages had passed between them before he was sufficiently
collected to return to the subject
»Vell« said Sam at length »if this dont beat cockfightin nothin never
vill as the Lord Mayor said ven the chief secretary o state proposed his
mississ health arter dinner That wery next house Wy Ive got a message to
her as Ive been a tryin all day to deliver«
»Ah« said Mary »but you cant deliver it now because she only walks in
the garden in the evening and then only for a very little time she never goes
out without the old lady«
Sam ruminated for a few moments and finally hit upon the following plan of
operations that he should return just at dusk the time at which Arabella
invariably took her walk and being admitted by Mary into the garden of the
house to which she belonged would contrive to scramble up the wall beneath the
overhanging boughs of a large peartree which would effectually screen him
from observation would there deliver his message and arrange if possible an
interview on behalf of Mr Winkle for the ensuing evening at the same hour
Having made this arrangement with great dispatch he assisted Mary in the
longdeferred occupation of shaking the carpets
It is not half as innocent a thing as it looks that shaking little pieces
of carpet at least there may be no great harm in the shaking but the folding
is a very insidious process So long as the shaking lasts and the two parties
are kept the carpets length apart it is as innocent an amusement as can well
be devised but when the folding begins and the distance between them gets
gradually lessened from one half its former length to a quarter and then to an
eighth and then to a sixteenth and then to a thirtysecond if the carpet be
long enough it becomes dangerous We do not know to a nicety how many pieces
of carpet were folded in this instance but we can venture to state that as many
pieces as there were so many times did Sam kiss the pretty housemaid
Mr Weller regaled himself with moderation at the nearest tavern until it
was nearly dusk and then returned to the lane without the thoroughfare Having
been admitted into the garden by Mary and having received from that lady sundry
admonitions concerning the safety of his limbs and neck Sam mounted into the
peartree to wait until Arabella should come in sight
He waited so long without this anxiously expected event occurring that he
began to think it was not going to take place at all when he heard light
footsteps upon the gravel and immediately afterwards beheld Arabella walking
pensively down the garden As soon as she came nearly below the tree Sam began
by way of gently indicating his presence to make sundry diabolical noises
similar to those which would probably be natural to a person of middle age who
had been afflicted with a combination of inflammatory sore throat croup and
hoopingcough from his earliest infancy
Upon this the young lady cast a hurried glance towards the spot from whence
the dreadful sounds proceeded and her previous alarm being not at all
diminished when she saw a man among the branches she would most certainly have
decamped and alarmed the house had not fear fortunately deprived her of the
power of moving and caused her to sink down on a garden seat which happened by
good luck to be near at hand
»Shes a goin off« soliloquised Sam in great perplexity »Wot a thing it
is as these here young creeturs will go a faintin avay just wen they oughtnt
to Here young ooman Miss Sawbones Mrs Vinkle dont«
Whether it was the magic of Mr Winkles name or the coolness of the open
air or some recollection of Mr Wellers voice that revived Arabella matters
not She raised her head and languidly inquired »Whos that and what do you
want«
»Hush« said Sam swinging himself on to the wall and crouching there in as
small a compass as he could reduce himself to »only me miss only me«
»Mr Pickwicks servant« said Arabella earnestly
»The wery same miss« replied Sam »Heres Mr Vinkle reglarly sewed up
vith desperation miss«
»Ah« said Arabella drawing nearer the wall
»Ah indeed« said Sam »Ve thought ve should ha been obliged to
straightveskit him last night hes been a ravin all day and he says if he
cant see you afore tomorrow nights over he vishes he may be
somethinunpleasanted if he dont drownd hisself«
»Oh no no Mr Weller« said Arabella clasping her hands
»Thats wot he says miss« replied Sam »Hes a man of his word and its
my opinion hell do it miss Hes heerd all about you from the Sawbones in
barnacles«
»From my brother« said Arabella having some faint recognition of Sams
description
»I dont rightly know which is your brother miss« replied Sam »Is it the
dirtiest vun o the two«
»Yes yes Mr Weller« returned Arabella »go on Make haste pray«
»Well miss« said Sam »hes heerd all about it from him and its the
govnors opinion that if you dont see him wery quick the Sawbones as weve
been a speaking on ull get as much extra lead in his head asll damage the
dewelopment o the orgins if they ever put it in spirits artervards«
»Oh what can I do to prevent these dreadful quarrels« exclaimed Arabella
»Its the suspicion of a priory tachment as is the cause of it all«
replied Sam »Youd better see him miss«
»But how where« cried Arabella »I dare not leave the house alone My
brother is so unkind so unreasonable I know how strange my talking thus to you
must appear Mr Weller but I am very very unhappy « and here poor Arabella
wept so bitterly that Sam grew chivalrous
»It may seem very strange talkin to me about these here affairs miss«
said Sam with great vehemence »but all I can say is that Im not only ready
but villin to do anythin asll make matters agreeable and if chuckin either
o them Sawboneses out o winder ull do it Im the man« As Sam Weller said
this he tucked up his wristbands at the imminent hazard of falling off the
wall in so doing to intimate his readiness to set to work immediately
Flattering as these professions of good feeling were Arabella resolutely
declined most unaccountably as Sam thought to avail herself of them For some
time she strenuously refused to grant Mr Winkle the interview Sam had so
pathetically requested but at length when the conversation threatened to be
interrupted by the unwelcome arrival of a third party she hurriedly gave him to
understand with many professions of gratitude that it was barely possible she
might be in the garden an hour later next evening Sam understood this
perfectly well and Arabella bestowing upon him one of her sweetest smiles
tripped gracefully away leaving Mr Weller in a state of very great admiration
of her charms both personal and mental
Having descended in safety from the wall and not forgotten to devote a few
moments to his own particular business in the same department Mr Weller then
made the best of his way back to the Bush where his prolonged absence had
occasioned much speculation and some alarm
»We must be careful« said Mr Pickwick after listening attentively to
Sams tale »not for our own sakes but for that of the young lady We must be
very cautious«
»We« said Mr Winkle with marked emphasis
Mr Pickwicks momentary look of indignation at the tone of this remark
subsided into his characteristic expression of benevolence as he replied
»We sir I shall accompany you«
»You« said Mr Winkle
»I« replied Mr Pickwick mildly »In affording you this interview the
young lady has taken a natural perhaps but still a very imprudent step If I
am present at the meeting a mutual friend who is old enough to be the father
of both parties the voice of calumny can never be raised against her
hereafter«
Mr Pickwicks eyes lightened with honest exultation at his own foresight
as he spoke thus Mr Winkle was touched by this little trait of his delicate
respect for the young protégée of his friend and took his hand with a feeling
of regard akin to veneration
»You shall go« said Mr Winkle
»I will« said Mr Pickwick »Sam have my greatcoat and shawl ready and
order a conveyance to be at the door tomorrow evening rather earlier than is
absolutely necessary in order that we may be in good time«
Mr Weller touched his hat as an earnest of his obedience and withdrew to
make all needful preparations for the expedition
The coach was punctual to the time appointed and Mr Weller after duly
installing Mr Pickwick and Mr Winkle inside took his seat on the box by the
driver They alighted as had been agreed on about a quarter of a mile from the
place of rendezvous and desiring the coachman to await their return proceeded
the remaining distance on foot
It was at this stage of the undertaking that Mr Pickwick with many smiles
and various other indications of great self satisfaction produced from one of
his coat pockets a dark lantern with which he had specially provided himself
for the occasion and the great mechanical beauty of which he proceeded to
explain to Mr Winkle as they walked along to the no small surprise of the few
stragglers they met
»I should have been the better for something of this kind in my last garden
expedition at night eh Sam« said Mr Pickwick looking goodhumouredly round
at his follower who was trudging behind
»Wery nice things if theyre managed properly sir« replied Mr Weller
»but when you dont want to be seen I think theyre more useful arter the
candles gone out than wen its alight«
Mr Pickwick appeared struck by Sams remarks for he put the lantern into
his pocket again and they walked on in silence
»Down here sir« said Sam »Let me lead the way This is the lane sir«
Down the lane they went and dark enough it was Mr Pickwick brought out
the lantern once or twice as they groped their way along and threw a very
brilliant little tunnel of light before them about a foot in diameter It was
very pretty to look at but seemed to have the effect of rendering surrounding
objects rather darker than before
At length they arrived at the large stone Here Sam recommended his master
and Mr Winkle to seat themselves while he reconnoitred and ascertained
whether Mary was yet in waiting
After an absence of five or ten minutes Sam returned to say that the gate
was opened and all quiet Following him with stealthy tread Mr Pickwick and
Mr Winkle soon found themselves in the garden Here everybody said »Hush« a
good many times and that being done no one seemed to have any very distinct
apprehension of what was to be done next
»Is Miss Allen in the garden yet Mary« inquired Mr Winkle much agitated
»I dont know sir« replied the pretty housemaid »The best thing to be
done sir will be for Mr Weller to give you a hoist up into the tree and
perhaps Mr Pickwick will have the goodness to see that nobody comes up the
lane while I watch at the other end of the garden Goodness gracious whats
that«
»That ere blessed lantern ull be the death on us all« exclaimed Sam
peevishly »Take care wot youre a doin on sir youre a sendin a blaze o
light right into the back parlor winder«
»Dear me« said Mr Pickwick turning hastily aside »I didnt mean to do
that«
»Now its in the next house sir« remonstrated Sam
»Bless my heart« exclaimed Mr Pickwick turning round again
»Now its in the stable and theyll think the place is a fire« said Sam
»Shut it up sir cant you«
»Its the most extraordinary lantern I ever met with in all my life«
exclaimed Mr Pickwick greatly bewildered by the effects he had so
unintentionally produced »I never saw such a powerful reflector«
»Itll be vun too powerful for us if you keep blazin avay in that manner
sir« replied Sam as Mr Pickwick after various unsuccessful efforts managed
to close the slide »Theres the young ladys footsteps Now Mr Vinkle sir
up vith you«
»Stop stop« said Mr Pickwick »I must speak to her first Help me up
Sam«
»Gently sir« said Sam planting his head against the wall and making a
platform of his back »Step a top o that ere flowerpot sir Now then up
vith you«
»Im afraid I shall hurt you Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»Never mind me sir« replied Sam »Lend him a hand Mr Vinkle sir
Steady sir steady Thats the time o day«
As Sam spoke Mr Pickwick by exertions almost supernatural in a gentleman
of his years and weight contrived to get upon Sams back and Sam gently
raising himself up and Mr Pickwick holding on fast by the top of the wall
while Mr Winkle clasped him tight by the legs they contrived by these means to
bring his spectacles just above the level of the coping
»My dear« said Mr Pickwick looking over the wall and catching sight of
Arabella on the other side »Dont be frightened my dear its only me«
»Oh pray go away Mr Pickwick« said Arabella »Tell them all to go away I
am so dreadfully frightened Dear dear Mr Pickwick dont stop there Youll
fall down and kill yourself I know you will«
»Now pray dont alarm yourself my dear« said Mr Pickwick soothingly
»There is not the least cause for fear I assure you Stand firm Sam« said Mr
Pickwick looking down
»All right sir« replied Mr Weller »Dont be longer than you can
conweniently help sir Youre rayther heavy«
»Only another moment Sam« replied Mr Pickwick »I merely wished you to
know my dear that I should not have allowed my young friend to see you in this
clandestine way if the situation in which you are placed had left him any
alternative and lest the impropriety of this step should cause you any
uneasiness my love it may be a satisfaction to you to know that I am present
Thats all my dear«
»Indeed Mr Pickwick I am very much obliged to you for your kindness and
consideration« replied Arabella drying her tears with her handkerchief She
would probably have said much more had not Mr Pickwicks head disappeared with
great swiftness in consequence of a false step on Sams shoulder which brought
him suddenly to the ground He was up again in an instant however and bidding
Mr Winkle make haste and get the interview over ran out into the lane to keep
watch with all the courage and ardour of youth Mr Winkle himself inspired by
the occasion was on the wall in a moment merely pausing to request Sam to be
careful of his master
»Ill take care on him sir« replied Sam »Leave him to me«
»Where is he Whats he doing Sam« inquired Mr Winkle
»Bless his old gaiters« rejoined Sam looking out at the gardendoor »Hes
a keepin guard in the lane vith that ere dark lantern like a amiable Guy
Fawkes I never see such a fine creetur in my days Blessed if I dont think his
heart must ha been born fiveandtwenty year arter his body at least«
Mr Winkle stayed not to hear the encomium upon his friend He had dropped
from the wall thrown himself at Arabellas feet and by this time was pleading
the sincerity of his passion with an eloquence worthy even of Mr Pickwick
himself
While these things were going on in the open air an elderly gentleman of
scientific attainments was seated in his library two or three houses off
writing a philosophical treatise and ever and anon moistening his clay and his
labours with a glass of claret from a venerablelooking bottle which stood by
his side In the agonies of composition the elderly gentleman looked sometimes
at the carpet sometimes at the ceiling and sometimes at the wall and when
neither carpet ceiling nor wall afforded the requisite degree of inspiration
he looked out of the window
In one of these pauses of invention the scientific gentleman was gazing
abstractedly on the thick darkness outside when he was very much surprised by
observing a most brilliant light glide through the air at a short distance
above the ground and almost instantaneously vanish After a short time the
phenomenon was repeated not once or twice but several times at last the
scientific gentleman laying down his pen began to consider to what natural
causes these appearances were to be assigned
They were not meteors they were too low They were not glowworms they
were too high They were not willothewisps they were not fireflies they
were not fireworks What could they be Some extraordinary and wonderful
phenomenon of nature, which no philosopher had ever seen before something which
it had been reserved for him alone to discover and which he should immortalize
his name by chronicling for the benefit of posterity Full of this idea the
scientific gentleman seized his pen again and committed to paper sundry notes
of these unparalleled appearances with the date day hour minute and precise
second at which they were visible all of which were to form the data of a
voluminous treatise of great research and deep learning which should astonish
all the atmospherical sages that ever drew breath in any part of the civilised
globe
He threw himself back in his easy chair wrapped in contemplations of his
future greatness The mysterious light appeared more brilliantly than before
dancing to all appearance up and down the lane crossing from side to side
and moving in an orbit as eccentric as comets themselves
The scientific gentleman was a bachelor He had no wife to call in and
astonish so he rang the bell for his servant
»Pruffle« said the scientific gentleman »there is something very
extraordinary in the air tonight Did you see that« said the scientific
gentleman pointing out of the window as the light again became visible
»Yes I did sir«
»What do you think of it Pruffle«
»Think of it sir«
»Yes You have been bred up in this country What should you say was the
cause of those lights now«
The scientific gentleman smilingly anticipated Pruffles reply that he could
assign no cause for them at all Pruffle meditated
»I should say it was thieves sir« said Pruffle at length
»Youre a fool and may go down stairs« said the scientific gentleman
»Thank you sir« said Pruffle And down he went
But the scientific gentleman could not rest under the idea of the ingenious
treatise he had projected being lost to the world which must inevitably be the
case if the speculation of the ingenious Mr Pruffle were not stifled in its
birth He put on his hat and walked quickly down the garden determined to
investigate the matter to the very bottom
Now shortly before the scientific gentleman walked out into the garden Mr
Pickwick had run down the lane as fast as he could to convey a false alarm that
somebody was coming that way occasionally drawing back the slide of the dark
lantern to keep himself from the ditch The alarm was no sooner given than Mr
Winkle scrambled back over the wall and Arabella ran into the house the
gardengate was shut and the three adventurers were making the best of their
way down the lane when they were startled by the scientific gentleman unlocking
his gardengate
»Hold hard« whispered Sam who was of course the first of the party
»Show a light for just vun second sir«
Mr Pickwick did as he was desired and Sam seeing a mans head peeping out
very cautiously within halfayard of his own gave it a gentle tap with his
clenched fist which knocked it with a hollow sound against the gate Having
performed this feat with great suddenness and dexterity Mr Weller caught Mr
Pickwick up on his back and followed Mr Winkle down the lane at a pace which
considering the burden he carried was perfectly astonishing
»Have you got your vind back agin sir« inquired Sam when they had reached
the end
»Quite Quite now« replied Mr Pickwick
»Then come along sir« said Sam setting his master on his feet again
»Come betveen us sir Not half a mile to run Think youre vinnin a cup sir
Now for it«
Thus encouraged Mr Pickwick made the very best use of his legs It may be
confidently stated that a pair of black gaiters never got over the ground in
better style than did those of Mr Pickwick on this memorable occasion
The coach was waiting the horses were fresh the roads were good and the
driver was willing The whole party arrived in safety at the Bush before Mr
Pickwick recovered his breath
»In with you at once sir« said Sam as he helped his master out »Dont
stop a second in the street arter that ere exercise Beg your pardon sir«
continued Sam touching his hat as Mr Winkle descended »Hope there warnt a
priory tachment sir«
Mr Winkle grasped his humble friend by the hand and whispered in his ear
»Its all right Sam quite right« Upon which Mr Weller struck three distinct
blows upon his nose in token of intelligence smiled winked and proceeded to
put the steps up with a countenance expressive of lively satisfaction
As to the scientific gentleman he demonstrated in a masterly treatise
that these wonderful lights were the effect of electricity and clearly proved
the same by detailing how a flash of fire danced before his eyes when he put his
head out of the gate and how he received a shock which stunned him for a
quarter of an hour afterwards which demonstration delighted all the Scientific
Associations beyond measure and caused him to be considered a light of science
ever afterwards
Chapter XL
Introduces Mr Pickwick to a New and Not Uninteresting Scene in the Great Drama
Of Life
The remainder of the period which Mr Pickwick had assigned as the duration of
the stay at Bath passed over without the occurrence of anything material
Trinity Term commenced On the expiration of its first week Mr Pickwick and
his friends returned to London and the former gentleman attended of course by
Sam straightway repaired to his old quarters at the George and Vulture
On the third morning after their arrival just as all the clocks in the city
were striking nine individually and somewhere about nine hundred and
ninetynine collectively Sam was taking the air in George Yard when a queer
sort of fresh painted vehicle drove up out of which there jumped with great
agility throwing the reins to a stout man who sat beside him a queer sort of
gentleman who seemed made for the vehicle and the vehicle for him
The vehicle was not exactly a gig neither was it a stanhope It was not
what is currently denominated a dogcart neither was it a taxedcart nor a
chaisecart nor a guillotined cabriolet and yet it had something of the
character of each and every of these machines It was painted a bright yellow
with the shafts and wheels picked out in black and the driver sat in the
orthodox sporting style on cushions piled about two feet above the rail The
horse was a bay a welllooking animal enough but with something of a flash and
dogfighting air about him nevertheless which accorded both with the vehicle
and his master
The master himself was a man of about forty with black hair and carefully
combed whiskers He was dressed in a particularly gorgeous manner with plenty
of articles of jewellery about him all about three sizes larger than those
which are usually worn by gentlemen and a rough greatcoat to crown the whole
Into one pocket of this greatcoat he thrust his left hand the moment he
dismounted while from the other he drew forth with his right a very bright
and glaring silk handkerchief with which he whisked a speck or two of dust from
his boots and then crumbling it in his hand swaggered up the court
It had not escaped Sams attention that when this person dismounted a
shabbylooking man in a brown greatcoat shorn of divers buttons who had been
previously slinking about on the opposite side of the way crossed over and
remained stationary close by Having something more than a suspicion of the
object of the gentlemans visit Sam preceded him to the George and Vulture
and turning sharp round planted himself in the centre of the doorway
»Now my fine fellow« said the man in the rough coat in an imperious tone
attempting at the same time to push his way past
»Now sir wots the matter« replied Sam returning the push with compound
interest
»Come none of this my man this wont do with me« said the owner of the
rough coat raising his voice and turning white »Here Smouch«
»Well wots amiss here« growled the man in the brown coat who had been
gradually sneaking up the court during this short dialogue
»Only some insolence of this young mans« said the principal giving Sam
another push
»Come none o this gammon« growled Smouch giving him another and a
harder one
This last push had the effect which it was intended by the experienced Mr
Smouch to produce for while Sam anxious to return the compliment was grinding
that gentlemans body against the doorpost the principal crept past and made
his way to the bar whither Sam after bandying a few epithetical remarks with
Mr Smouch followed at once
»Good morning my dear« said the principal addressing the young lady at
the bar with Botany Bay ease and New South Wales gentility »which is Mr
Pickwicks room my dear«
»Show him up« said the barmaid to a waiter without deigning another look
at the exquisite in reply to his inquiry
The waiter led the way up stairs as he was desired and the man in the rough
coat followed with Sam behind him who in his progress up the staircase
indulged in sundry gestures indicative of supreme contempt and defiance to the
unspeakable gratification of the servants and other lookerson Mr Smouch who
was troubled with a hoarse cough remained below and expectorated in the
passage
Mr Pickwick was fast asleep in bed when his early visitor followed by
Sam entered the room The noise they made in so doing awoke him
»Shaving water Sam« said Mr Pickwick from within the curtains
»Shave you directly Mr Pickwick« said the visitor drawing one of them
back from the beds head »Ive got an execution against you at the suit of
Bardell Heres the warrant Common Pleas Heres my card I suppose
youll come over to my house« Giving Mr Pickwick a friendly tap on the
shoulder the sheriffs officer for such he was threw his card on the
counterpane and pulled a gold toothpick from his waistcoat pocket
»Nambys the name« said the sheriffs deputy as Mr Pickwick took his
spectacles from under the pillow and put them on to read the card »Namby
Bell Alley Coleman Street«
At this point Sam Weller who had had his eyes fixed hitherto on Mr
Nambys shining beaver interfered
»Are you a Quaker« said Sam
»Ill let you know who I am before Ive done with you« replied the
indignant officer »Ill teach you manners my fine fellow one of these fine
mornings«
»Thankee« said Sam »Ill do the same to you Take your hat off« With
this Mr Weller in the most dexterous manner knocked Mr Nambys hat to the
other side of the room with such violence that he had very nearly caused him to
swallow the gold toothpick into the bargain
»Observe this Mr Pickwick« said the disconcerted officer gasping for
breath »Ive been assaulted in the execution of my dooty by your servant in
your chamber Im in bodily fear I call you to witness this«
»Dont witness nothin sir« interposed Sam »Shut your eyes up tight sir
Id pitch him out o winder only he couldnt fall far enough cause o the
leads outside«
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick in an angry voice as his attendant made various
demonstrations of hostilities »if you say another word or offer the slightest
interference with this person I discharge you that instant«
»But sir« said Sam
»Hold your tongue« interposed Mr Pickwick »Take that hat up again«
But this Sam flatly and positively refused to do and after he had been
severely reprimanded by his master the officer being in a hurry condescended
to pick it up himself venting a great variety of threats against Sam meanwhile
which that gentleman received with perfect composure merely observing that if
Mr Namby would have the goodness to put his hat on again he would knock it
into the latter end of next week Mr Namby perhaps thinking that such a
process might be productive of inconvenience to himself declined to offer the
temptation and soon after called up Smouch Having informed him that the
capture was made and that he was to wait for the prisoner until he should have
finished dressing Namby then swaggered out and drove away Smouch requesting
Mr Pickwick in a surly manner »to be as alive as he could for it was a busy
time« drew up a chair by the door and sat there until he had finished
dressing Sam was then dispatched for a hackney coach and in it the triumvirate
proceeded to Coleman Street It was fortunate the distance was short for Mr
Smouch besides possessing no very enchanting conversational powers was
rendered a decidedly unpleasant companion in a limited space by the physical
weakness to which we have elsewhere adverted
The coach having turned into a very narrow and dark street stopped before a
house with iron bars to all the windows the doorposts of which were graced by
the name and title of »Namby Officer to the Sheriffs of London« the inner gate
having been opened by a gentleman who might have passed for a neglected twin
brother of Mr Smouch and who was endowed with a large key for the purpose Mr
Pickwick was shown into the coffeeroom
This coffeeroom was a front parlour the principal features of which were
fresh sand and stale tobacco smoke Mr Pickwick bowed to the three persons who
were seated in it when he entered and having dispatched Sam for Perker
withdrew into an obscure corner and from thence looked with some curiosity upon
his new companions
One of these was a mere boy of nineteen or twenty who though it was yet
barely ten oclock was drinking gin and water and smoking a cigar amusements
to which judging from his inflamed countenance he had devoted himself pretty
constantly for the last year or two of his life Opposite him engaged in
stirring the fire with the toe of his right boot was a coarse vulgar young man
of about thirty with a sallow face and harsh voice evidently possessed of that
knowledge of the world and captivating freedom of manner which is to be
acquired in publichouse parlours and at low billiardtables The third tenant
of the apartment was a middleaged man in a very old suit of black who looked
pale and haggard and paced up and down the room incessantly stopping now and
then to look with great anxiety out of the window as if he expected somebody
and then resuming his walk
»Youd better have the loan of my razor this morning Mr Ayresleigh« said
the man who was stirring the fire tipping the wink to his friend the boy
»Thank you no I shant want it I expect I shall be out in the course of
an hour or so« replied the other in a hurried manner Then walking again up to
the window and once more returning disappointed he sighed deeply and left the
room upon which the other two burst into a loud laugh
»Well I never saw such a game as that« said the gentleman who had offered
the razor whose name appeared to be Price »Never« Mr Price confirmed the
assertion with an oath and then laughed again when of course the boy who
thought his companion one of the most dashing fellows alive laughed also
»Youd hardly think would you now« said Price turning towards Mr
Pickwick »that that chaps been here a week yesterday and never once shaved
himself yet because he feels so certain hes going out in half an hours time
that he thinks he may as well put it off till he gets home«
»Poor man« said Mr Pickwick »Are his chances of getting out of his
difficulties really so great«
»Chances be d d« replied Price »he hasnt half the ghost of one I
wouldnt give that for his chance of walking about the streets this time ten
years« With this Mr Price snapped his fingers contemptuously and rang the
bell
»Give me a sheet of paper Crookey« said Mr Price to the attendant who in
dress and general appearance looked something between a bankrupt grazier and a
drover in a state of insolvency »and a glass of brandy and water Crookey dye
hear Im going to write to my father and I must have a stimulant or I shant
be able to pitch it strong enough into the old boy« At this facetious speech
the young boy it is almost needless to say was fairly convulsed
»Thats right« said Mr Price »Never say die All fun aint it«
»Prime« said the young gentleman
»Youve some spirit about you you have« said Price »Youve seen something
of life«
»I rather think I have« replied the boy He had looked at it through the
dirty panes of glass in a bar door
Mr Pickwick feeling not a little disgusted with this dialogue as well as
with the air and manner of the two beings by whom it had been carried on was
about to inquire whether he could not be accommodated with a private
sittingroom when two or three strangers of genteel appearance entered at
sight of whom the boy threw his cigar into the fire and whispering to Mr Price
that they had come to »make it all right« for him joined them at a table in the
further end of the room
It would appear however that matters were not going to be made all right
quite so speedily as the young gentleman anticipated for a very long
conversation ensued of which Mr Pickwick could not avoid hearing certain angry
fragments regarding dissolute conduct and repeated forgiveness At last there
were very distinct allusions made by the oldest gentleman of the party to one
Whitecross Street at which the young gentleman notwithstanding his primeness
and his spirit and his knowledge of life into the bargain reclined his head
upon the table and howled dismally
Very much satisfied with this sudden bringing down of the youths valour
and this effectual lowering of his tone Mr Pickwick rang the bell and was
shown at his own request into a private room furnished with a carpet table
chairs sideboard and sofa and ornamented with a lookingglass and various old
prints Here he had the advantage of hearing Mrs Nambys performance on a
square piano over head while the breakfast was getting ready when it came Mr
Perker came too
»Aha my dear sir« said the little man »nailed at last eh Come come
Im not sorry for it either because now youll see the absurdity of this
conduct Ive noted down the amount of the taxed costs and damages for which the
casa was issued and we had better settle at once and lose no time Namby is
come home by this time I dare say What say you my dear sir Shall I draw a
cheque or will you« The little man rubbed his hands with affected cheerfulness
as he said this but glancing at Mr Pickwicks countenance could not forbear
at the same time casting a desponding look towards Sam Weller
»Perker« said Mr Pickwick »let me hear no more of this I beg I see no
advantage in staying here so I shall go to prison tonight«
»You cant go to Whitecross Street my dear sir« said Perker »Impossible
There are sixty beds in a ward and the bolts on sixteen hours out of the
fourandtwenty«
»I would rather go to some other place of confinement if I can« said Mr
Pickwick »If not I must make the best I can of that«
»You can go to the Fleet my dear sir if youre determined to go
somewhere« said Perker
»Thatll do« said Mr Pickwick »Ill go there directly I have finished my
breakfast«
»Stop stop my dear sir not the least occasion for being in such a violent
hurry to get into a place that most other men are as eager to get out of« said
the goodnatured little attorney »We must have a habeas corpus Therell be no
judge at chambers till four oclock this afternoon You must wait till then«
»Very good« said Mr Pickwick with unmoved patience »Then we will have a
chop here at two See about it Sam and tell them to be punctual«
Mr Pickwick remaining firm despite all the remonstrances and arguments of
Perker the chops appeared and disappeared in due course he was then put into
another hackneycoach and carried off to Chancery Lane after waiting half an
hour or so for Mr Namby who had a select dinnerparty and could on no account
be disturbed before
There were two judges in attendance at Sergeants Inn one Kings Bench
and one Common Pleas and a great deal of business appeared to be transacting
before them if the number of lawyers clerks who were hurrying in and out with
bundles of papers afforded any test When they reached the low archway which
forms the entrance to the Inn Perker was detained a few moments parleying with
the coachman about the fare and the change and Mr Pickwick stepping to one
side to be out of the way of the stream of people that were pouring in and out
looked about him with some curiosity
The people that attracted his attention most were three or four men of
shabbygenteel appearance who touched their hats to many of the attorneys who
passed and seemed to have some business there the nature of which Mr Pickwick
could not divine They were curiouslooking fellows One was a slim and rather
lame man in rusty black and a white neckerchief another was a stout burly
person dressed in the same apparel with a great reddishblack cloth round his
neck a third was a little weazen drunkenlooking body with a pimply face
They were loitering about with their hands behind them and now and then with
an anxious countenance whispered something in the ear of some of the gentlemen
with papers as they hurried by Mr Pickwick remembered to have very often
observed them lounging under the archway when he had been walking past and his
curiosity was quite excited to know to what branch of the profession these
dingylooking loungers could possibly belong
He was about to propound the question to Namby who kept close beside him
sucking a large gold ring on his little finger when Perker bustled up and
observing that there was no time to lose led the way into the Inn As Mr
Pickwick followed the lame man stepped up to him and civilly touching his hat
held out a written card which Mr Pickwick not wishing to hurt the mans
feelings by refusing courteously accepted and deposited in his
waistcoatpocket
»Now« said Perker turning round before he entered one of the offices to
see that his companions were close behind him »In here my dear sir Hallo
what do you want«
This last question was addressed to the lame man who unobserved by Mr
Pickwick made one of the party In reply to it the lame man touched his hat
again with all imaginable politeness and motioned towards Mr Pickwick
»No no« said Perker with a smile »We dont want you my dear friend we
dont want you«
»I beg your pardon sir« said the lame man »The gentleman took my card I
hope you will employ me sir The gentleman nodded to me Ill be judged by the
gentleman himself You nodded to me sir«
»Pooh pooh nonsense You didnt nod to any body Pickwick A mistake a
mistake« said Perker
»The gentleman handed me his card« replied Mr Pickwick producing it from
his waistcoatpocket »I accepted it as the gentleman seemed to wish it in
fact I had some curiosity to look at it when I should be at leisure I «
The little attorney burst into a loud laugh and returning the card to the
lame man informing him it was all a mistake whispered to Mr Pickwick as the
man turned away in dudgeon that he was only a bail
»A what« exclaimed Mr Pickwick
»A bail« replied Perker
»A bail«
»Yes my dear sir half a dozen of em here Bail you to any amount and
only charge halfacrown Curious trade isnt it« said Perker regaling
himself with a pinch of snuff
»What Am I to understand that these men earn a livelihood by waiting about
here to perjure themselves before the judges of the land at the rate of
halfacrown a crime« exclaimed Mr Pickwick quite aghast at the disclosure
»Why I dont exactly know about perjury my dear sir« replied the little
gentleman »Harsh word my dear sir very harsh word indeed Its a legal
fiction my dear sir nothing more« Saying which the attorney shrugged his
shoulders smiled took a second pinch of snuff and led the way into the office
of the judges clerk
This was a room of specially dirty appearance with a very low ceiling and
old panelled walls and so badly lighted that although it was broad day
outside great tallow candles were burning on the desks At one end was a door
leading to the judges private apartment round which were congregated a crowd
of attorneys and managing clerks who were called in in the order in which
their respective appointments stood upon the file Every time this door was
opened to let a party out the next party made a violent rush to get in and as
in addition to the numerous dialogues which passed between the gentlemen who
were waiting to see the judge a variety of personal squabbles ensued between
the greater part of those who had seen him there was as much noise as could
well be raised in an apartment of such confined dimensions
Nor were the conversations of these gentlemen the only sounds that broke
upon the ear Standing on a box behind a wooden bar at another end of the room
was a clerk in spectacles who was taking the affidavits large batches of which
were from time to time carried into the private room by another clerk for the
judges signature There were a large number of attorneys clerks to be sworn
and it being a moral impossibility to swear them all at once the struggles of
these gentlemen to reach the clerk in spectacles were like those of a crowd to
get in at the pit door of a theatre when Gracious Majesty honours it with its
presence Another functionary from time to time exercised his lungs in calling
over the names of those who had been sworn for the purpose of restoring to them
their affidavits after they had been signed by the judge which gave rise to a
few more scuffles and all these things going on at the same time occasioned as
much bustle as the most active and excitable person could desire to behold
There were yet another class of persons those who were waiting to attend
summonses their employers had taken out which it was optional to the attorney
on the opposite side to attend or not and whose business it was from time to
time to cry out the opposite attorneys name to make certain that he was not
in attendance without their knowledge
For example. Leaning against the wall close beside the seat Mr Pickwick
had taken was an officelad of fourteen with a tenor voice near him a
commonlaw clerk with a bass one
A clerk hurried in with a bundle of papers and stared about him
»Sniggle and Blink« cried the tenor
»Porkin and Snob« growled the bass
»Stumpy and Deacon« said the new comer
Nobody answered the next man who came in was hailed by the whole three
and he in his turn shouted for another firm and then somebody else roared in a
loud voice for another and so forth
All this time the man in the spectacles was hard at work swearing the
clerks the oath being invariably administered without any effort at
punctuation and usually in the following terms
»Take the book in your right hand this is your name and handwriting you
swear that the contents of this your affidavit are true so help you God a
shilling you must get change I havent got it«
»Well Sam« said Mr Pickwick »I suppose they are getting the habeas
corpus ready«
»Yes« said Sam »and I vish theyd bring out the havehiscarcase Its
wery unpleasant keepin us vaitin here Id ha got half a dozen
havehiscarcases ready packd up and all by this time«
What sort of cumbrous and unmanageable machine Sam Weller imagined a habeas
corpus to be does not appear for Perker at that moment walked up and took
Mr Pickwick away
The usual forms having been gone through the body of Samuel Pickwick was
soon afterwards confided to the custody of the tipstaff to be by him taken to
the Warden of the Fleet Prison and there detained until the amount of the
damages and costs in the action of Bardell against Pickwick was fully paid and
satisfied
»And that« said Mr Pickwick laughing »will be a very long time Sam
call another hackneycoach Perker my dear friend good bye«
»I shall go with you and see you safe there« said Perker
»Indeed« replied Mr Pickwick »I would rather go without any other
attendant than Sam As soon as I get settled I will write and let you know and
I shall expect you immediately Until then good bye«
As Mr Pickwick said this he got into the coach which had by this time
arrived followed by the tipstaff Sam having stationed himself on the box it
rolled away
»A most extraordinary man that« said Perker as he stopped to pull on his
gloves
»What a bankrupt hed make sir« observed Mr Lowten who was standing
near »How he would bother the commissioners Hed set em at defiance if they
talked of committing him sir«
The attorney did not appear very much delighted with his clerks
professional estimate of Mr Pickwicks character for he walked away without
deigning any reply
The hackneycoach jolted along Fleet Street as hackneycoaches usually do
The horses »went better« the driver said when they had anything before them
they must have gone at a most extraordinary pace when there was nothing and
so the vehicle kept behind a cart when the cart stopped it stopped and when
the cart went on again it did the same Mr Pickwick sat opposite the tipstaff
and the tipstaff sat with his hat between his knees whistling a tune and
looking out of the coach window
Time performs wonders By the powerful old gentlemans aid even a
hackneycoach gets over half a mile of ground They stopped at length and Mr
Pickwick alighted at the gate of the Fleet
The tipstaff looking over his shoulder to see that his charge was following
close at his heels preceded Mr Pickwick into the prison turning to the left
after they had entered they passed through an open door into a lobby from
which a heavy gate opposite to that by which they had entered and which was
guarded by a stout turnkey with the key in his hand led at once into the
interior of the prison
Here they stopped while the tipstaff delivered his papers and here Mr
Pickwick was apprised that he would remain until he had undergone the ceremony
known to the initiated as »sitting for your portrait«
»Sitting for my portrait« said Mr Pickwick
»Having your likeness taken sir« replied the stout turnkey »Were capital
hands at likenesses here Take em in no time and always exact Walk in sir
and make yourself at home«
Mr Pickwick complied with the invitation and sat himself down when Mr
Weller who stationed himself at the back of the chair whispered that the
sitting was merely another term for undergoing an inspection by the different
turnkeys in order that they might know prisoners from visitors
»Well Sam« said Mr Pickwick »then I wish the artists would come This is
rather a public place«
»They vont be long sir I dessay« replied Sam »Theres a Dutch clock
sir«
»So I see« observed Mr Pickwick
»And a birdcage sir« says Sam »Veels vithin veels a prison in a prison
Aint it sir«
As Mr Weller made this philosophical remark Mr Pickwick was aware that
his sitting had commenced The stout turnkey having been relieved from the lock
sat down and looked at him carelessly from time to time while a long thin man
who had relieved him thrust his hands beneath his coattails and planting
himself opposite took a good long view of him A third rather surlylooking
gentleman who had apparently been disturbed at his tea for he was disposing of
the last remnant of a crust and butter when he came in stationed himself close
to Mr Pickwick and resting his hands on his hips inspected him narrowly
while two others mixed with the group and studied his features with most intent
and thoughtful faces Mr Pickwick winced a good deal under the operation and
appeared to sit very uneasily in his chair but he made no remark to anybody
while it was being performed not even to Sam who reclined upon the back of the
chair reflecting partly on the situation of his master and partly on the
great satisfaction it would have afforded him to make a fierce assault upon all
the turnkeys there assembled one after the other if it were lawful and
peaceable so to do
At length the likeness was completed and Mr Pickwick was informed that he
might now proceed into the prison
»Where am I to sleep tonight« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Why I dont rightly know about tonight« replied the stout turnkey
»Youll be chummed on somebody tomorrow and then youll be all snug and
comfortable The first nights generally rather unsettled but youll be set all
squares tomorrow«
After some discussion it was discovered that one of the turnkeys had a bed
to let which Mr Pickwick could have for that night He gladly agreed to hire
it
»If youll come with me Ill show it you at once« said the man »It aint
a large un but its an outandouter to sleep in This way sir«
They passed through the inner gate and descended a short flight of steps
The key was turned after them and Mr Pickwick found himself for the first
time in his life within the walls of a debtors prison
Chapter XLI
What Befel Mr Pickwick When He Got into the Fleet What Prisoners He Saw There
and How He Passed the Night
Mr Tom Roker the gentleman who had accompanied Mr Pickwick into the prison
turned sharp round to the right when he got to the bottom of the little flight
of steps and led the way through an iron gate which stood open and up another
short flight of steps into a long narrow gallery dirty and low paved with
stone and very dimly lighted by a window at each remote end
»This« said the gentleman thrusting his hands into his pockets and
looking carelessly over his shoulder to Mr Pickwick »This here is the hall
flight«
»Oh« replied Mr Pickwick looking down a dark and filthy staircase which
appeared to lead to a range of damp and gloomy stone vaults beneath the ground
»and those I suppose are the little cellars where the prisoners keep their
small quantities of coals Unpleasant places to have to go down to but very
convenient I dare say«
»Yes I shouldnt wonder if they was convenient« replied the gentleman
»seeing that a few people live there pretty snug Thats the Fair that is«
»My friend« said Mr Pickwick »you dont really mean to say that human
beings live down in those wretched dungeons«
»Dont I« replied Mr Roker with indignant astonishment »why shouldnt
I«
»Live Live down there« exclaimed Mr Pickwick
»Live down there Yes and die down there too wery often« replied Mr
Roker »and what of that Whos got to say anything agin it Live down there
Yes and a wery good place it is to live in aint it«
As Roker turned somewhat fiercely upon Mr Pickwick in saying this and
moreover muttered in an excited fashion certain unpleasant invocations
concerning his own eyes limbs and circulating fluids the latter gentleman
deemed it advisable to pursue the discourse no further Mr Roker then proceeded
to mount another staircase as dirty as that which led to the place which had
just been the subject of discussion in which ascent he was closely followed by
Mr Pickwick and Sam
»There« said Mr Roker pausing for breath when they reached another
gallery of the same dimensions as the one below »this is the coffeeroom
flight the one aboves the third and the one above thats the top and the
room where youre agoing to sleep tonight is the wardens room and its this
way come on« Having said all this in a breath Mr Roker mounted another
flight of stairs with Mr Pickwick and Sam Weller following at his heels
These staircases received light from sundry windows placed at some little
distance above the floor and looking into a gravelled area bounded by a high
brick wall with iron chevauxdefrise at the top This area it appeared from
Mr Rokers statement was the racketground and it further appeared on the
testimony of the same gentleman that there was a smaller area in that portion
of the prison which was nearest Farringdon Street denominated and called »the
Painted Ground« from the fact of its walls having once displayed the semblances
of various menofwar in full sail and other artistical effects achieved in
bygone times by some imprisoned draughtsman in his leisure hours
Having communicated this piece of information apparently more for the
purpose of discharging his bosom of an important fact than with any specific
view of enlightening Mr Pickwick the guide having at length reached another
gallery led the way into a small passage at the extreme end opened a door and
disclosed an apartment of an appearance by no means inviting containing eight
or nine iron bedsteads
»There« said Mr Roker holding the door open and looking triumphantly
round at Mr Pickwick »theres a room«
Mr Pickwicks face however betokened such a very trifling portion of
satisfaction at the appearance of his lodging that Mr Roker looked for a
reciprocity of feeling into the countenance of Samuel Weller who until now
had observed a dignified silence
»Theres a room young man« observed Mr Roker
»I see it« replied Sam with a placid nod of the head
»You wouldnt think to find such a room as this in the Farringdon Hotel
would you« said Mr Roker with a complacent smile
To this Mr Weller replied with an easy and unstudied closing of one eye
which might be considered to mean either that he would have thought it or that
he would not have thought it or that he had never thought anything at all about
it as the observers imagination suggested Having executed this feat and
reopened his eye Mr Weller proceeded to inquire which was the individual
bedstead that Mr Roker had so flatteringly described as an outanouter to
sleep in
»Thats it« replied Mr Roker pointing to a very rusty one in a corner
»It would make any one go to sleep that bedstead would whether they wanted to
or not«
»I should think« said Sam eyeing the piece of furniture in question with a
look of excessive disgust »I should think poppies was nothing to it«
»Nothing at all« said Mr Roker
»And I spose« said Sam with a sidelong glance at his master as if to see
whether there were any symptoms of his determination being shaken by what
passed »I spose the other genlmen as sleeps here are genlmen«
»Nothing but it« said Mr Roker »One of em takes his twelve pints of ale
aday and never leaves off smoking even at his meals«
»He must be a firstrater« said Sam
»A 1« replied Mr Roker
Nothing daunted even by this intelligence Mr Pickwick smilingly announced
his determination to test the powers of the narcotic bedstead for that night
and Mr Roker after informing him that he could retire to rest at whatever hour
he thought proper without any further notice or formality walked off leaving
him standing with Sam in the gallery
It was getting dark that is to say a few gas jets were kindled in this
place which was never light by way of compliment to the evening which had set
in outside As it was rather warm some of the tenants of the numerous little
rooms which opened into the gallery on either hand had set their doors ajar
Mr Pickwick peeped into them as he passed along with great curiosity and
interest Here four or five great hulking fellows just visible through a cloud
of tobaccosmoke were engaged in noisy and riotous conversation over
halfemptied pots of beer or playing at allfours with a very greasy pack of
cards In the adjoining room some solitary tenant might be seen poring by the
light of a feeble tallow candle over a bundle of soiled and tattered papers
yellow with dust and dropping to pieces from age writing for the hundredth
time some lengthened statement of his grievances for the perusal of some great
man whose eyes it would never reach or whose heart it would never touch In a
third a man with his wife and a whole crowd of children might be seen making
up a scanty bed on the ground or upon a few chairs for the younger ones to
pass the night in And in a fourth and a fifth and a sixth and a seventh the
noise and the beer and the tobaccosmoke and the cards all came over again
in greater force than before
In the galleries themselves and more especially on the staircases there
lingered a great number of people who came there some because their rooms were
empty and lonesome others because their rooms were full and hot the greater
part because they were restless and uncomfortable and not possessed of the
secret of exactly knowing what to do with themselves There were many classes of
people here from the labouring man in his fustian jacket to the brokendown
spendthrift in his shawl dressinggown most appropriately out at elbows but
there was the same air about them all a listless jailbird careless swagger a
vagabondish whosafraid sort of bearing which is wholly indescribable in
words but which any man can understand in one moment if he wish by setting
foot in the nearest debtors prison and looking at the very first group of
people he sees there with the same interest as Mr Pickwick did
»It strikes me Sam« said Mr Pickwick leaning over the ironrail at the
stairhead »It strikes me Sam that imprisonment for debt is scarcely any
punishment at all«
»Think not sir« inquired Mr Weller
»You see how these fellows drink and smoke and roar« replied Mr
Pickwick »Its quite impossible that they can mind it much«
»Ah thats just the wery thing sir« rejoined Sam »they dont mind it
its a regular holiday to them all porter and skittles Its the tother vuns
as gets done over vith this sort o thing them downhearted fellers as cant
svig avay at the beer nor play at skittles neither them as vould pay if they
could and gets low by being boxed up Ill tell you wot it is sir them as is
always a idlin in public houses it dont damage at all and them as is alvays a
workin wen they can it damages too much Its unekal as my father used to say
wen his grog wornt made halfandhalf Its unekal and thats the fault on
it«
»I think youre right Sam« said Mr Pickwick after a few moments
reflection »quite right«
»Praps now and then theres some honest people as likes it« observed Mr
Weller in a ruminative tone »but I never heerd o one as I can call to mind
cept the little dirtyfaced man in the brown coat and that was force of
habit«
»And who was he« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Wy thats just the wery point as nobody never knowd« replied Sam
»But what did he do«
»Wy he did wot many men as has been much better knowd has done in their
time sir« replied Sam »he run a match agin the constable and vun it«
»In other words, I suppose« said Mr Pickwick »he got into debt«
»Just that sir« replied Sam »and in course o time he come here in
consekens It warnt much execution for nine pound nothin multiplied by five
for costs but howsever here he stopped for seventeen year If he got any
wrinkles in his face they was stopped up vith the dirt for both the dirty face
and the brown coat wos just the same at the end o that time as they wos at the
beginnin He wos a wery peaceful inoffendin little creetur and wos alvays a
bustlin about for somebody or playin rackets and never vinnin till at last
the turnkeys they got quite fond on him and he wos in the lodge evry night a
chattering vith em and tellin stories and all that ere Vun night he wos in
there as usual along vith a wery old friend of his as wos on the lock ven he
says all of a sudden I aint seen the market outside Bill he says Fleet
Market wos there at that time I aint seen the market outside Bill he says
for seventeen year I know you aint says the turnkey smoking his pipe I
should like to see it for a minit Bill he says Wery probable says the
turnkey smoking his pipe wery fierce and making believe he warnt up to wot
the little man wanted Bill says the little man more abrupt than afore Ive
got the fancy in my head Let me see the public streets once more afore I die
and if I aint struck with apoplexy Ill be back in five minits by the clock
And wot ud become o me if you was struck with apoplexy said the turnkey Wy
says the little creetur whoever found me ud bring me home for Ive got my
card in my pocket Bill he says No 20 Coffeeroom Flight and that wos true
sure enough for wen he wanted to make the acquaintance of any new comer he
used to pull out a little limp card vith them words on it and nothin else in
consideration of vich he wos alvays called Number Tventy The turnkey takes a
fixed look at him and at last he says in a solemn manner Tventy he says Ill
trust you you wont get your old friend into trouble No my boy I hope Ive
somethin better behind here says the little man and as he said it he hit his
little veskit wery hard and then a tear started out o each eye which wos wery
extraordinary for it wos supposed as water never touched his face He shook the
turnkey by the hand out he vent «
»And never came back again« said Mr Pickwick
»Wrong for vunce sir« replied Mr Weller »for back he come two minits
afore the time a bilin with rage sayin how hed been nearly run over by a
hackneycoach that he warnt used to it and he was blowed if he wouldnt write
to the Lord Mayor They got him pacified at last and for five years arter that
he never even so much as peeped out o the lodgegate«
»At the expiration of that time he died I suppose« said Mr Pickwick
»No he didnt sir« replied Sam »He got a curiosity to go and taste the
beer at a new publichouse over the way and it wos such a wery nice parlour
that he took it into his head to go there every night wich he did for a long
time always comin back reglar about a quarter of an hour afore the gate shut
wich wos all very snug and comfortable At last he began to get so precious
jolly that he used to forget how the time vent or care nothin at all about
it and he vent on gettin later and later till vun night his old friend wos
just a shuttin the gate had turned the key in fact wen he come up Hold
hard Bill he says Wot aint you come home yet Tventy says the turnkey I
thought you wos in long ago No I wasnt says the little man vith a smile
Well then Ill tell you wot it is my friend says the turnkey openin the
gate wery slow and sulky its my pinion as youve got into bad company o
late which Im wery sorry to see Now I dont wish to do nothing harsh he
says but if you cant confine yourself to steady circles and find your vay
back at reglar hours as sure as youre a standin there Ill shut you out
altogether The little man was seized vith a wiolent fit o tremblin and never
vent outside the prison walls artervards«
As Sam concluded Mr Pickwick slowly retraced his steps down stairs After
a few thoughtful turns in the Painted Ground which as it was now dark was
nearly deserted he intimated to Mr Weller that he thought it high time for him
to withdraw for the night requesting him to seek a bed in some adjacent
publichouse and return early in the morning to make arrangements for the
removal of his masters wardrobe from the George and Vulture This request Mr
Samuel Weller prepared to obey with as good a grace as he could assume but
with a very considerable show of reluctance nevertheless He even went so far as
to essay sundry ineffectual hints regarding the expediency of stretching himself
on the gravel for that night but finding Mr Pickwick obstinately deaf to any
such suggestions finally withdrew
There is no disguising the fact that Mr Pickwick felt very lowspirited and
uncomfortable not for lack of society for the prison was very full and a
bottle of wine would at once have purchased the utmost goodfellowship of a few
choice spirits without any more formal ceremony of introduction but he was
alone in the coarse vulgar crowd and felt the depression of spirit and sinking
of heart naturally consequent on the reflection that he was cooped and caged
up without a prospect of liberation As to the idea of releasing himself by
ministering to the sharpness of Dodson and Fogg it never for an instant entered
his thoughts
In this frame of mind he turned again into the coffeeroom gallery and
walked slowly to and fro The place was intolerably dirty and the smell of
tobaccosmoke perfectly suffocating There was a perpetual slamming and banging
of doors as the people went in and out and the noise of their voices and
footsteps echoed and reechoed through the passages constantly A young woman
with a child in her arms who seemed scarcely able to crawl from emaciation and
misery was walking up and down the passage in conversation with her husband
who had no other place to see her in As they passed Mr Pickwick he could hear
the female sob and once she burst into such a passion of grief that she was
compelled to lean against the wall for support while the man took the child in
his arms and tried to soothe her
Mr Pickwicks heart was really too full to bear it and he went up stairs
to bed
Now although the wardens room was a very uncomfortable one being in
every point of decoration and convenience several hundred degrees inferior to
the common infirmary of a county gaol it had at present the merit of being
wholly deserted save by Mr Pickwick himself So he sat down at the foot of his
little iron bedstead and began to wonder how much a year the warden made out of
the dirty room Having satisfied himself by mathematical calculation that the
apartment was about equal in annual value to the freehold of a small street in
the suburbs of London he took to wondering what possible temptation could have
induced a dingylooking fly that was crawling over his pantaloons to come into
a close prison when he had the choice of so many airy situations a course of
meditation which led him to the irresistible conclusion that the insect was mad
After settling this point he began to be conscious that he was getting sleepy
whereupon he took his nightcap out of the pocket in which he had had the
precaution to stow it in the morning and leisurely undressing himself got
into bed and fell asleep
»Bravo Heel over toe cut and shuffle pay away at it Zephyr Im
smothered if the Opera House isnt your proper hemisphere Keep it up Hooray«
These expressions delivered in a most boisterous tone and accompanied with
loud peals of laughter roused Mr Pickwick from one of those sound slumbers
which lasting in reality some half hour seem to the sleeper to have been
protracted for three weeks or a month
The voice had no sooner ceased than the room was shaken with such violence
that the windows rattled in their frames and the bedsteads trembled again Mr
Pickwick started up and remained for some minutes fixed in mute astonishment at
the scene before him
On the floor of the room a man in a broadskirted green coat with corderoy
knee smalls and grey cotton stockings was performing the most popular steps of
a hornpipe with a slang and burlesque caricature of grace and lightness which
combined with the very appropriate character of his costume was inexpressibly
absurd Another man evidently very drunk who had probably been tumbled into
bed by his companions was sitting up between the sheets warbling as much as he
could recollect of a comic song with the most intensely sentimental feeling and
expression while a third seated on one of the bedsteads was applauding both
performers with the air of a profound connoisseur and encouraging them by such
ebullitions of feeling as had already roused Mr Pickwick from his sleep
This last man was an admirable specimen of a class of gentry which never can
be seen in full perfection but in such places they may be met with in an
imperfect state occasionally about stableyards and publichouses but they
never attain their full bloom except in these hotbeds which would almost seem
to be considerately provided by the Legislature for the sole purpose of rearing
them
He was a tall fellow with an olive complexion long dark hair and very
thick bushy whiskers meeting under his chin He wore no neckerchief as he had
been playing rackets all day and his open shirt collar displayed their full
luxuriance On his head he wore one of the common eighteenpenny French
skullcaps with a gawdy tassel dangling therefrom very happily in keeping with
a common fustian coat His legs which being long were afflicted with
weakness graced a pair of Oxfordmixture trousers made to show the full
symmetry of those limbs Being somewhat negligently braced however and
moreover but imperfectly buttoned they fell in a series of not the most
graceful folds over a pair of shoes sufficiently down at heel to display a pair
of very soiled white stockings There was a rakish vagabond smartness and a
kind of boastful rascality about the whole man that was worth a mine of gold
This figure was the first to perceive that Mr Pickwick was looking on upon
which he winked to the Zephyr and entreated him with mock gravity not to wake
the gentleman
»Why bless the gentlemans honest heart and soul« said the Zephyr turning
round and affecting the extremity of surprise »the gentleman is awake Hem
Shakespeare How do you do sir How is Mary and Sarah sir and the dear old
lady at home sir Will you have the kindness to put my compliments into the
first little parcel youre sending that way sir and say that I would have sent
em before only I was afraid they might be broken in the waggon sir«
»Dont overwhelm the gentleman with ordinary civilities when you see hes
anxious to have something to drink« said the gentleman with the whiskers with
a jocose air »Why dont you ask the gentleman what hell take«
»Dear me I quite forgot« replied the other »What will you take sir Will
you take port wine sir or sherry wine sir I can recommend the ale sir or
perhaps youd like to taste the porter sir Allow me to have the felicity of
hanging up your nightcap sir«
With this the speaker snatched that article of dress from Mr Pickwicks
head and fixed it in a twinkling on that of the drunken man who firmly
impressed with the belief that he was delighting a numerous assembly continued
to hammer away at the comic song in the most melancholy strains imaginable
Taking a mans nightcap from his brow by violent means and adjusting it on
the head of an unknown gentleman of dirty exterior however ingenious a
witticism in itself, is unquestionably one of those which come under the
denomination of practical jokes Viewing the matter precisely in this light Mr
Pickwick without the slightest intimation of his purpose sprang vigorously out
of bed struck the Zephyr so smart a blow in the chest as to deprive him of a
considerable portion of the commodity which sometimes bears his name and then
recapturing his nightcap boldly placed himself in an attitude of defence
»Now« said Mr Pickwick gasping no less from excitement than from the
expenditure of so much energy »come on both of you both of you« With this
liberal invitation the worthy gentleman communicated a revolving motion to his
clenched fists by way of appalling his antagonists with a display of science.
It might have been Mr Pickwicks very unexpected gallantry or it might
have been the complicated manner in which he had got himself out of bed and
fallen all in a mass upon the hornpipe man that touched his adversaries
Touched they were for instead of then and there making an attempt to commit
manslaughter as Mr Pickwick implicitly believed they would have done they
paused stared at each other a short time and finally laughed outright
»Well youre a trump and I like you all the better for it« said the
Zephyr »Now jump into bed again or youll catch the rheumatics No malice I
hope« said the man extending a hand the size of the yellow clump of fingers
which sometimes swing over a glovers door
»Certainly not« said Mr Pickwick with great alacrity for now that the
excitement was over he began to feel rather cool about the legs
»Allow me the honour« said the gentleman with the whiskers presenting his
dexter hand and aspirating the h
»With much pleasure sir« said Mr Pickwick and having executed a very
long and solemn shake he got into bed again
»My name is Smangle sir« said the man with the whiskers
»Oh« said Mr Pickwick
»Mine is Mivins« said the man in the stockings
»I am delighted to hear it sir« said Mr Pickwick
»Hem« coughed Mr Smangle
»Did you speak sir« said Mr Pickwick
»No I did not sir« said Mr Smangle
»I thought you did sir« said Mr Pickwick
All this was very genteel and pleasant and to make matters still more
comfortable Mr Smangle assured Mr Pickwick a great many times that he
entertained a very high respect for the feelings of a gentleman which
sentiment indeed did him infinite credit as he could be in no wise supposed
to understand them
»Are you going through the Court sir« inquired Mr Smangle
»Through the what« said Mr Pickwick
»Through the Court Portugal Street the Court for the Relief of you
know«
»Oh no« replied Mr Pickwick »No I am not«
»Going out perhaps« suggested Mivins
»I fear not« replied Mr Pickwick »I refuse to pay some damages and am
here in consequence«
»Ah« said Mr Smangle »paper has been my ruin«
»A stationer I presume sir« said Mr Pickwick innocently
»Stationer No no confound and curse me Not so low as that No trade
When I say paper I mean bills«
»Oh you use the word in that sense I see« said Mr Pickwick
»Damme A gentleman must expect reverses« said Smangle »What of that Here
am I in the Fleet Prison Well good What then Im none the worse for that am
I«
»Not a bit« replied Mr Mivins And he was quite right for so far from
Mr Smangle being any the worse for it he was something the better inasmuch as
to qualify himself for the place he had attained gratuitous possession of
certain articles of jewellery which long before that had found their way to
the pawnbrokers
»Well but come« said Mr Smangle »this is dry work Lets rinse our
mouths with a drop of burnt sherry the last comer shall stand it Mivins shall
fetch it and Ill help to drink it Thats a fair and gentlemanlike division of
labour any how Curse me«
Unwilling to hazard another quarrel Mr Pickwick gladly assented to the
proposition, and consigned the money to Mr Mivins who as it was nearly eleven
oclock lost no time in repairing to the coffeeroom on his errand
»I say« whispered Smangle the moment his friend had left the room »what
did you give him«
»Half a sovereign« said Mr Pickwick
»Hes a devilish pleasant gentlemanly dog« said Mr Smangle »infernal
pleasant I dont know anybody more so but « Here Mr Smangle stopped short
and shook his head dubiously
»You dont think there is any probability of his appropriating the money to
his own use« said Mr Pickwick
»Oh no Mind I dont say that I expressly say that hes a devilish
gentlemanly fellow« said Mr Smangle »But I think perhaps if somebody went
down just to see that he didnt dip his beak into the jug by accident or make
some confounded mistake in losing the money as he came up stairs it would be as
well Here you sir just run down stairs and look after that gentleman will
you«
This request was addressed to a little timidlooking nervous man whose
appearance bespoke great poverty and who had been crouching on his bedstead all
this while apparently stupified by the novelty of his situation
»You know where the coffeeroom is« said Smangle »just run down and tell
that gentleman youve come to help him up with the jug Or stop Ill tell
you what Ill tell you how well do him« said Smangle with a cunning look
»How« said Mr Pickwick
»Send down word that hes to spend the change in cigars Capital thought
Run and tell him that dye hear They shant be wasted« continued Smangle
turning to Mr Pickwick »Ill smoke em«
This manoeuvering was so exceedingly ingenious and withal performed with
such immovable composure and coolness that Mr Pickwick would have had no wish
to disturb it even if he had had the power In a short time Mr Mivins
returned bearing the sherry which Mr Smangle dispensed in two little cracked
mugs considerately remarking with reference to himself that a gentleman must
not be particular under such circumstances and that for his part he was not
too proud to drink out of the jug In which to show his sincerity he forthwith
pledged the company in a draught which half emptied it
An excellent understanding having been by these means promoted Mr Smangle
proceeded to entertain his hearers with a relation of divers romantic adventures
in which he had been from time to time engaged involving various interesting
anecdotes of a thoroughbred horse and a magnificent Jewess both of surpassing
beauty and much coveted by the nobility and gentry of these kingdoms
Long before these elegant extracts from the biography of a gentleman were
concluded Mr Mivins had betaken himself to bed and had set in snoring for the
night leaving the timid stranger and Mr Pickwick to the full benefit of Mr
Smangles experiences
Nor were the two lastnamed gentlemen as much edified as they might have
been by the moving passages narrated Mr Pickwick had been in a state of
slumber for some time when he had a faint perception of the drunken man
bursting out afresh with the comic song and receiving from Mr Smangle a gentle
intimation through the medium of the water jug that his audience were not
musically disposed Mr Pickwick then once again dropped off to sleep with a
confused consciousness that Mr Smangle was still engaged in relating a long
story the chief point of which appeared to be that on some occasion
particularly stated and set forth he had done a bill and a gentleman at the
same time
Chapter XLII
Illustrative Like the Preceding One of the Old Proverb that Adversity Brings
a Man Acquainted with Strange BedFellows Likewise Containing Mr Pickwicks
Extraordinary and Startling Announcement to Mr Samuel Weller
When Mr Pickwick opened his eyes next morning the first object upon which they
rested was Samuel Weller seated upon a small black portmanteau intently
regarding apparently in a condition of profound abstraction the stately figure
of the dashing Mr Smangle while Mr Smangle himself who was already partially
dressed was seated on his bedstead occupied in the desperately hopeless
attempt of staring Mr Weller out of countenance We say desperately hopeless
because Sam with a comprehensive gaze which took in Mr Smangles cap feet
head face legs and whiskers all at the same time continued to look steadily
on with every demonstration of lively satisfaction but with no more regard to
Mr Smangles personal sentiments on the subject than he would have displayed
had he been inspecting a wooden statue or a strawembowelled Guy Faux
»Well will you know me again« said Mr Smangle with a frown
»Id svear to you anyveres sir« replied Sam cheerfully
»Dont be impertinent to a gentleman sir« said Mr Smangle
»Not on no account« replied Sam »If youll tell me wen he wakes Ill be
upon the wery best extrasuper behaviour« This observation having a remote
tendency to imply that Mr Smangle was no gentleman kindled his ire
»Mivins« said Mr Smangle with a passionate air
»Whats the office« replied that gentleman from his couch
»Who the devil is this fellow«
»Gad« said Mr Mivins looking lazily out from under the bedclothes »I
ought to ask you that Hasnt he any business here«
»No« replied Mr Smangle
»Then knock him down stairs and tell him not to presume to get up till I
come and kick him« rejoined Mr Mivins with this prompt advice that excellent
gentleman again betook himself to slumber
The conversation exhibiting these unequivocal symptoms of verging on the
personal Mr Pickwick deemed it a fit point at which to interpose
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»Sir« rejoined that gentleman
»Has anything new occurred since last night«
»Nothin partickler sir« replied Sam glancing at Mr Smangles whiskers
»the late prewailance of a close and confined atmosphere has been rayther
favourable to the growth of veeds of an alarmin and sangvinary natur but vith
that ere exception things is quiet enough«
»I shall get up« said Mr Pickwick »give me some clean things«
Whatever hostile intentions Mr Smangle might have entertained his thoughts
were speedily diverted by the unpacking of the portmanteau the contents of
which appeared to impress him at once with a most favourable opinion not only
of Mr Pickwick but of Sam also who he took an early opportunity of declaring
in a tone of voice loud enough for that eccentric personage to overhear was a
regular thoroughbred original and consequently the very man after his own
heart As to Mr Pickwick the affection he conceived for him knew no limits
»Now is there anything I can do for you my dear sir« said Smangle
»Nothing that I am aware of I am obliged to you« replied Mr Pickwick
»No linen that you want sent to the washerwomans I know a delightful
washerwoman outside that comes for my things twice a week and by Jove how
devilish lucky this is the day she calls Shall I put any of those little
things up with mine Dont say anything about the trouble Confound and curse
it if one gentleman under a cloud is not to put himself a little out of the
way to assist another gentleman in the same condition whats human nature«
Thus spake Mr Smangle edging himself meanwhile as near as possible to the
portmanteau and beaming forth looks of the most fervent and disinterested
friendship
»Theres nothing you want to give out for the man to brush my dear
creature is there« resumed Smangle
»Nothin whatever my fine feller« rejoined Sam taking the reply into his
own mouth »Praps if vun of us wos to brush without troubling the man it ud
be more agreeable for all parties as the schoolmaster said wen the young
gentleman objected to being flogged by the butler«
»And theres nothing that I can send in my little box to the washerwomans
is there« said Smangle turning from Sam to Mr Pickwick with an air of some
discomfiture
»Nothin whatever sir« retorted Sam »Im afeerd the little box must be
chock full o your own as it is«
This speech was accompanied with such a very expressive look at that
particular portion of Mr Smangles attire by the appearance of which the skill
of laundresses in getting up gentlemens linen is generally tested that he was
fain to turn upon his heel and for the present at any rate to give up all
design on Mr Pickwicks purse and wardrobe He accordingly retired in dudgeon
to the racketground where he made a light and wholesome breakfast on a couple
of the cigars which had been purchased on the previous night
Mr Mivins who was no smoker and whose account for small articles of
chandlery had also reached down to the bottom of the slate and been carried
over to the other side remained in bed and in his own words »took it out in
sleep«
After breakfasting in a small closet attached to the coffeeroom which bore
the imposing title of the Snuggery the temporary inmate of which in
consideration of a small additional charge had the unspeakable advantage of
overhearing all the conversation in the coffeeroom aforesaid and after
dispatching Mr Weller on some necessary errands Mr Pickwick repaired to the
Lodge to consult Mr Roker concerning his future accommodation
»Accommodation eh« said that gentleman consulting a large book »Plenty
of that Mr Pickwick Your chummage ticket will be on twenty in the third«
»Oh« said Mr Pickwick »My what did you say«
»Your chummage ticket« replied Mr Roker »youre up to that«
»Not quite« replied Mr Pickwick with a smile
»Why« said Mr Roker »its as plain as Salisbury Youll have a chummage
ticket upon twentyseven in the third and them as is in the room will be your
chums«
»Are there many of them« inquired Mr Pickwick dubiously
»Three« replied Mr Roker
Mr Pickwick coughed
»One of ems a parson« said Mr Roker filling up a little piece of paper
as he spoke »anothers a butcher«
»Eh« exclaimed Mr Pickwick
»A butcher« repeated Mr Roker giving the nib of his pen a tap on the desk
to cure it of a disinclination to mark »What a thoroughpaced goer he used to
be surely You remember Tom Martin Neddy« said Roker appealing to another
man in the lodge who was paring the mud off his shoes with a fiveandtwenty
bladed pocket knife
»I should think so« replied the party addressed with a strong emphasis on
the personal pronoun
»Bless my dear eyes« said Mr Roker shaking his head slowly from side to
side and gazing abstractedly out of the grated windows before him as if he
were fondly recalling some peaceful scene of his early youth »it seems but
yesterday that he whopped the coalheaver down FoxundertheHill by the wharf
there I think I can see him now a coming up the Strand between the two
streetkeepers a little sobered by the bruising with a patch o winegar and
brown paper over his right eyelid and that ere lovely bulldog as pinned the
little boy arterwards a following at his heels What a rum thing Time is aint
it Neddy«
The gentleman to whom these observations were addressed who appeared of a
taciturn and thoughtful cast merely echoed the inquiry Mr Roker shaking off
the poetical and gloomy train of thought into which he had been betrayed
descended to the common business of life and resumed his pen
»Do you know what the third gentleman is« inquired Mr Pickwick not very
much gratified by this description of his future associates
»What is that Simpson Neddy« said Mr Roker turning to his companion
»What Simpson« said Neddy
»Why him in twentyseven in the third that this gentlemans going to be
chummed on«
»Oh him« replied Neddy »hes nothing exactly He was a horse chaunter
hes a leg now«
»Ah so I thought« rejoined Mr Roker closing the book and placing the
small piece of paper in Mr Pickwicks hands »Thats the ticket sir«
Very much perplexed by this summary disposition of his person Mr Pickwick
walked back into the prison revolving in his mind what he had better do
Convinced however that before he took any other steps it would be advisable to
see and hold personal converse with the three gentlemen with whom it was
proposed to quarter him he made the best of his way to the third flight
After groping about in the gallery for some time attempting in the dim
light to decipher the numbers on the different doors he at length appealed to a
potboy who happened to be pursuing his morning occupation of gleaning for
pewter
»Which is twentyseven my good fellow« said Mr Pickwick
»Five doors further on« replied the potboy »Theres the likeness of a man
being hung and smoking a pipe the while chalked outside the door«
Guided by this direction Mr Pickwick proceeded slowly along the gallery
until he encountered the »portrait of a gentleman« above described upon whose
countenance he tapped with the knuckle of his forefinger gently at first
and then audibly After repeating this process several times without effect he
ventured to open the door and peep in
There was only one man in the room and he was leaning out of window as far
as he could without overbalancing himself endeavouring with great
perseverance to spit upon the crown of the hat of a personal friend on the
parade below As neither speaking coughing sneezing knocking nor any other
ordinary mode of attracting attention made this person aware of the presence of
a visitor Mr Pickwick after some delay stepped up to the window and pulled
him gently by the coattail The individual brought in his head and shoulders
with great swiftness and surveying Mr Pickwick from head to foot demanded in
a surly tone what the something beginning with a capital H he wanted
»I believe« said Mr Pickwick consulting his ticket »I believe this is
twentyseven in the third«
»Well« replied the gentleman
»I have come here in consequence of receiving this bit of paper« rejoined
Mr Pickwick
»Hand it over« said the gentleman
Mr Pickwick complied
»I think Roker might have chummed you somewhere else« said Mr Simpson for
it was the leg after a very discontented sort of a pause
Mr Pickwick thought so also but under all the circumstances he
considered it a matter of sound policy to be silent
Mr Simpson mused for a few moments after this and then thrusting his head
out of the window gave a shrill whistle and pronounced some word aloud
several times What the word was Mr Pickwick could not distinguish but he
rather inferred that it must be some nickname which distinguished Mr Martin
from the fact of a great number of gentlemen on the ground below immediately
proceeding to cry »Butcher« in imitation of the tone in which that useful class
of society are wont diurnally to make their presence known at area railings
Subsequent occurrences confirmed the accuracy of Mr Pickwicks impression
for in a few seconds a gentleman prematurely broad for his years clothed in
a professional blue jean frock and topboots with circular toes entered the
room nearly out of breath closely followed by another gentleman in very shabby
black and a sealskin cap The latter gentleman who fastened his coat all the
way up to his chin by means of a pin and a button alternately had a very coarse
red face and looked like a drunken chaplain which indeed he was
These two gentlemen having by turns perused Mr Pickwicks billet the one
expressed his opinion that it was »a rig« and the other his conviction that it
was »a go« Having recorded their feelings in these very intelligible terms
they looked at Mr Pickwick and each other in awkward silence
»Its an aggravating thing just as we got the beds so snug« said the
chaplain looking at three dirty mattresses each rolled up in a blanket which
occupied one corner of the room during the day and formed a kind of slab on
which were placed an old cracked basin ewer and soapdish of common yellow
earthenware with a blue flower »Very aggravating«
Mr Martin expressed the same opinion in rather stronger terms Mr Simpson
after having let a variety of expletive adjectives loose upon society without
any substantive to accompany them tucked up his sleeves and began to wash the
greens for dinner
While this was going on Mr Pickwick had been eyeing the room which was
filthily dirty and smelt intolerably close There was no vestige of either
carpet curtain or blind There was not even a closet in it Unquestionably
there were but few things to put away if there had been one but however few
in number or small in individual amount still remnants of loaves and pieces
of cheese and damp towels and scrags of meat and articles of wearing apparel
and mutilated crockery and bellows without nozzles and toastingforks without
prongs do present somewhat of an uncomfortable appearance when they are
scattered about the floor of a small apartment which is the common sitting and
sleeping room of three idle men
»I suppose this can be managed somehow« said the butcher after a pretty
long silence »What will you take to go out«
»I beg your pardon« replied Mr Pickwick »What did you say I hardly
understand you«
»What will you take to be paid out« said the butcher »The regular chummage
is twoandsix Will you take three bob«
» And a bender« suggested the clerical gentleman
»Well I dont mind that its only twopence apiece more« said Mr Martin
»What do you say now Well pay you out for threeandsixpence a week
Come«
»And stand a gallon of beer down« chimed in Mr Simpson »There«
»And drink it on the spot« said the chaplain »Now«
»I really am so wholly ignorant of the rules of this place« returned Mr
Pickwick »that I do not yet comprehend you Can I live anywhere else I thought
I could not«
At this inquiry Mr Martin looked with a countenance of excessive surprise
at his two friends and then each gentleman pointed with his right thumb over
his left shoulder This action imperfectly described in words by the very
feeble term of over the left when performed by any number of ladies or
gentlemen who are accustomed to act in unison has a very graceful and airy
effect its expression is one of light and playful sarcasm
»Can you« repeated Mr Martin with a smile of pity
»Well if I knew as little of life as that Id eat my hat and swallow the
buckle whole« said the clerical gentleman
»So would I« added the sporting one solemnly
After this introductory preface the three chums informed Mr Pickwick in a
breath that money was in the Fleet just what money was out of it that it
would instantly procure him almost anything he desired and that supposing he
had it and had no objection to spend it if he only signified his wish to have
a room to himself he might take possession of one furnished and fitted to
boot in half an hours time
With this the parties separated very much to their common satisfaction
Mr Pickwick once more retracing his steps to the lodge and the three
companions adjourning to the coffeeroom there to spend the five shillings
which the clerical gentleman had with admirable prudence and foresight
borrowed of him for the purpose
»I knowed it« said Mr Roker with a chuckle when Mr Pickwick stated the
object with which he had returned »Didnt I say so Neddy«
The philosophical owner of the universal penknife growled an affirmative
»I knowed youd want a room for yourself bless you« said Mr Roker »Let
me see Youll want some furnitur Youll hire that of me I suppose Thats the
reglar thing«
»With great pleasure« replied Mr Pickwick
»Theres a capital room up in the coffeeroom flight that belongs to a
Chancery prisoner« said Mr Roker »Itll stand you in a pound aweek I
suppose you dont mind that«
»Not at all« said Mr Pickwick
»Just step there with me« said Roker taking up his hat with great
alacrity »the matters settled in five minutes Lord why didnt you say at
first that you was willing to come down handsome«
The matter was soon arranged as the turnkey had foretold The Chancery
prisoner had been there long enough to have lost friends fortune home and
happiness and to have acquired the right of having a room to himself As he
laboured however under the inconvenience of often wanting a morsel of bread
he eagerly listened to Mr Pickwicks proposal to rent the apartment and
readily covenanted and agreed to yield him up the sole and undisturbed
possession thereof in consideration of the weekly payment of twenty shillings
from which fund he furthermore contracted to pay out any person or persons that
might be chummed upon it
As they struck the bargain Mr Pickwick surveyed him with a painful
interest He was a tall gaunt cadaverous man in an old greatcoat and
slippers with sunken cheeks and a restless eager eye His lips were
bloodless and his bones sharp and thin God help him the iron teeth of
confinement and privation had been slowly filing him down for twenty years
»And where will you live meanwhile sir« said Mr Pickwick as he laid the
amount of the first weeks rent in advance on the tottering table
The man gathered up the money with a trembling hand and replied that he
didnt know yet he must go and see where he could move his bed to
»I am afraid sir« said Mr Pickwick laying his hand gently and
compassionately on his arm »I am afraid you will have to live in some noisy
crowded place Now pray consider this room your own when you want quiet or
when any of your friends come to see you«
»Friends« interposed the man in a voice which rattled in his throat »If I
lay dead at the bottom of the deepest mine in the world tight screwed down and
soldered in my coffin rotting in the dark and filthy ditch that drags its slime
along beneath the foundations of this prison I could not be more forgotten or
unheeded than I am here I am a dead man dead to society without the pity they
bestow on those whose souls have passed to judgment Friends to see me My God
I have sunk from the prime of life into old age in this place and there is
not one to raise his hand above my bed when I lie dead upon it and say It is a
blessing he is gone«
The excitement which had cast an unwonted light over the mans face while
he spoke subsided as he concluded and pressing his withered hands together in
a hasty and disordered manner he shuffled from the room
»Rides rather rusty« said Mr Roker with a smile »Ah theyre like the
elephants They feel it now and then and it makes em wild«
Having made this deeplysympathising remark Mr Roker entered upon his
arrangements with such expedition that in a short time the room was furnished
with a carpet six chairs a table a sofa bedstead a teakettle and various
small articles on hire at the very reasonable rate of sevenandtwenty
shillings and sixpence per week
»Now is there anything more we can do for you« inquired Mr Roker looking
round with great satisfaction and gaily chinking the first weeks hire in his
closed fist
»Why yes« said Mr Pickwick who had been musing deeply for some time
»Are there any people here who run on errands and so forth«
»Outside do you mean« inquired Mr Roker
»Yes I mean who are able to go outside Not prisoners«
»Yes there is« said Roker »Theres an unfortunate devil who has got a
friend on the poor side thats glad to do anything of that sort Hes been
running odd jobs and that for the last two months Shall I send him«
»If you please« rejoined Mr Pickwick »Stay no The poor side you say I
should like to see it Ill go to him myself«
The poor side of a debtors prison is as its name imports that in which
the most miserable and abject class of debtors are confined A prisoner having
declared upon the poor side pays neither rent nor chummage His fees upon
entering and leaving the gaol are reduced in amount and he becomes entitled to
a share of some small quantities of food to provide which a few charitable
persons have from time to time left trifling legacies in their wills Most of
our readers will remember that until within a very few years past there was a
kind of iron cage in the wall of the Fleet Prison within which was posted some
man of hungry looks who from time to time rattled a moneybox and exclaimed
in a mournful voice »Pray remember the poor debtors pray remember the poor
debtors« The receipts of this box when there were any were divided among the
poor prisoners and the men on the poor side relieved each other in this
degrading office
Although this custom has been abolished and the cage is now boarded up the
miserable and destitute condition of these unhappy persons remains the same We
no longer suffer them to appeal at the prison gates to the charity and
compassion of the passers by but we still leave unblotted in the leaves of our
statute book for the reverence and admiration of succeeding ages the just and
wholesome law which declares that the sturdy felon shall be fed and clothed and
that the penniless debtor shall be left to die of starvation and nakedness This
is no fiction Not a week passes over our heads but in every one of our
prisons for debt some of these men must inevitably expire in the slow agonies
of want if they were not relieved by their fellowprisoners
Turning these things in his mind as he mounted the narrow staircase at the
foot of which Roker had left him Mr Pickwick gradually worked himself to the
boilingover point and so excited was he with his reflections on this subject
that he had burst into the room to which he had been directed before he had any
distinct recollection either of the place in which he was or of the object of
his visit
The general aspect of the room recalled him to himself at once but he had
no sooner cast his eyes on the figure of a man who was brooding over the dusty
fire than letting his hat fall on the floor he stood perfectly fixed and
immoveable with astonishment
Yes in tattered garments and without a coat his common calico shirt
yellow and in rags his hair hanging over his face his features changed with
suffering and pinched with famine there sat Mr Alfred Jingle his head
resting on his hand his eyes fixed upon the fire and his whole appearance
denoting misery and dejection
Near him leaning listlessly against the wall stood a strongbuilt
countryman flicking with a wornout huntingwhip the topboot that adorned his
right foot his left being for he dressed by easy stages thrust into an old
slipper Horses dogs and drink had brought him there pellmell There was a
rusty spur on the solitary boot which he occasionally jerked into the empty
air at the same time giving the boot a smart blow and muttering some of the
sounds by which a sportsman encourages his horse He was riding in imagination
some desperate steeplechase at that moment Poor wretch He never rode a match
on the swiftest animal in his costly stud with half the speed at which he had
torn along the course that ended in the Fleet
On the opposite side of the room an old man was seated on a small wooden
box with his eyes rivetted on the floor and his face settled into an
expression of the deepest and most hopeless despair A young girl his little
granddaughter was hanging about him endeavouring with a thousand childish
devices to engage his attention but the old man neither saw nor heard her The
voice that had been music to him and the eyes that had been light fell coldly
on his senses His limbs were shaking with disease and the palsy had fastened
on his mind
There were two or three other men in the room congregated in a little knot
and noisily talking among themselves There was a lean and haggard woman too
a prisoners wife who was watering with great solicitude the wretched stump
of a driedup withered plant which it was plain to see could never send
forth a green leaf again too true an emblem perhaps of the office she had
come there to discharge
Such were the objects which presented themselves to Mr Pickwicks view as
he looked round him in amazement The noise of some one stumbling hastily into
the room roused him Turning his eyes towards the door they encountered the
new comer and in him through his rags and dirt he recognised the familiar
features of Mr Job Trotter
»Mr Pickwick« exclaimed Job aloud
»Eh« said Jingle starting from his seat »Mr So it is queer place
strange thing serves me right very« Mr Jingle thrust his hands into the
place where his trousers pockets used to be and dropping his chin upon his
breast sank back into his chair
Mr Pickwick was affected the two men looked so very miserable The sharp
involuntary glance Jingle had cast at a small piece of raw loin of mutton which
Job had brought in with him said more of their reduced state than two hours
explanation could have done Mr Pickwick looked mildly at Jingle and said
»I should like to speak to you in private Will you step out for an
instant«
»Certainly« said Jingle rising hastily »Cant step far no danger of
overwalking yourself here Spike park grounds pretty romantic but not
extensive open for public inspection family always in town housekeeper
desperately careful very«
»You have forgotten your coat« said Mr Pickwick as they walked out to the
staircase and closed the door after them
»Eh« said Jingle »Spout dear relation uncle Tom couldnt help it
must eat you know Wants of nature and all that«
»What do you mean«
»Gone my dear sir last coat cant help it Lived on a pair of boots
whole fortnight Silk umbrella ivory handle week fact honour ask Job
knows it«
»Lived for three weeks upon a pair of boots and a silk umbrella with an
ivory handle« exclaimed Mr Pickwick who had only heard of such things in
shipwrecks or read of them in Constables Miscellany
»True« said Jingle nodding his head »Pawnbrokers shop duplicates here
small sums mere nothing all rascals«
»Oh« said Mr Pickwick much relieved by this explanation »I understand
you You have pawned your wardrobe«
»Everything Jobs too all shirts gone never mind saves washing
Nothing soon lie in bed starve die Inquest little bonehouse poor
prisoner common necessaries hush it up gentlemen of the jury wardens
tradesmen keep it snug natural death coroners order workhouse funeral
serve him right all over drop the curtain«
Jingle delivered this singular summary or his prospects in life with his
accustomed volubility and with various twitches of the countenance to
counterfeit smiles Mr Pickwick easily perceived that his recklessness was
assumed and looking him full but not unkindly in the face saw that his eyes
were moist with tears
»Good fellow« said Jingle pressing his hand and turning his head away
»Ungrateful dog boyish to cry cant help it bad fever weak ill
hungry Deserved it all but suffered much very« Wholly unable to keep up
appearances any longer and perhaps rendered worse by the effort he had made
the dejected stroller sat down on the stairs and covering his face with his
hands sobbed like a child
»Come come« said Mr Pickwick with considerable emotion »well see what
can be done when I know all about the matter Here Job where is that fellow«
»Here sir« replied Job presenting himself on the staircase We have
described him bythebye as having deeplysunken eyes in the best of times
In his present state of want and distress he looked as if those features had
gone out of town altogether
»Here sir« cried Job
»Come here sir« said Mr Pickwick trying to look stern with four large
tears running down his waistcoat »Take that sir«
Take what In the ordinary acceptation of such language it should have been
a blow As the world runs it ought to have been a sound hearty cuff for Mr
Pickwick had been duped deceived and wronged by the destitute outcast who was
now wholly in his power Must we tell the truth It was something from Mr
Pickwicks waistcoatpocket which chinked as it was given into Jobs hand and
the giving of which somehow or other imparted a sparkle to the eye and a
swelling to the heart of our excellent old friend as he hurried away
Sam had returned when Mr Pickwick reached his own room and was inspecting
the arrangements that had been made for his comfort with a kind of grim
satisfaction which was very pleasant to look upon Having a decided objection to
his masters being there at all Mr Weller appeared to consider it a high moral
duty not to appear too much pleased with anything that was done said
suggested or proposed
»Well Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»Well sir« replied Mr Weller
»Pretty comfortable now eh Sam«
»Pretty vell sir« responded Sam looking round him in a disparaging
manner
»Have you seen Mr Tupman and our other friends«
»Yes I have seen em sir and theyre a comin tomorrow and wos wery
much surprised to hear they warnt to come today« replied Sam
»You have brought the things I wanted«
Mr Weller in reply pointed to various packages which he had arranged as
neatly as he could in a corner of the room
»Very well Sam« said Mr Pickwick after a little hesitation »listen to
what I am going to say Sam«
»Certnly sir« rejoined Mr Weller »fire away sir«
»I have felt from the first Sam« said Mr Pickwick with much solemnity
»that this is not the place to bring a young man to«
»Nor an old un neither sir« observed Mr Weller
»Youre quite right Sam« said Mr Pickwick »but old men may come here
through their own heedlessness and unsuspicion and young men may be brought
here by the selfishness of those they serve It is better for those young men
in every point of view that they should not remain here Do you understand me
Sam«
»Vy no sir I do NOT« replied Mr Weller doggedly
»Try Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»Vell sir« rejoined Sam after a short pause »I think I see your drift
and if I do see your drift its my pinion that you re a comin it a great
deal too strong as the mailcoachman said to the snowstorm ven it overtook
him«
»I see you comprehend me Sam« said Mr Pickwick »Independently of my wish
that you should not be idling about a place like this for years to come I feel
that for a debtor in the Fleet to be attended by his manservant is a monstrous
absurdity Sam« said Mr Pickwick »for a time you must leave me«
»Oh for a time eh sir« rejoined Mr Weller rather sarcastically
»Yes for the time that I remain here« said Mr Pickwick »Your wages I
shall continue to pay Any one of my three friends will be happy to take you
were it only out of respect to me And if I ever do leave this place Sam«
added Mr Pickwick with assumed cheerfulness »if I do I pledge you my word
that you shall return to me instantly«
»Now Ill tell you wot it is sir« said Mr Weller in a grave and solemn
voice »This here sort o thing wont do at all so dont lets hear no more
about it«
»I am serious and resolved Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»You air air you sir« inquired Mr Weller firmly »Wery good sir Then
so am I«
Thus speaking Mr Weller fixed his hat on his head with great precision
and abruptly left the room
»Sam« cried Mr Pickwick calling after him »Sam Here«
But the long gallery ceased to reecho the sound of footsteps Sam Weller
was gone
Chapter XLIII
Showing How Mr Samuel Weller Got into Difficulties
In a lofty room illlighted and worse ventilated situate in Portugal Street
Lincolns Inn Fields there sit nearly the whole year round one two three or
four gentlemen in wigs as the case may be with little writing desks before
them constructed after the fashion of those used by the judges of the land
barring the French polish There is a box of barristers on their right hand
there is an inclosure of insolvent debtors on their left and there is an
inclined plane of most especially dirty faces in their front These gentlemen
are the Commissioners of the Insolvent Court and the place in which they sit
is the Insolvent Court itself.
It is and has been time out of mind the remarkable fate of this Court to
be somehow or other held and understood by the general consent of all the
destitute shabbygenteel people in London as their common resort and place of
daily refuge It is always full The steams of beer and spirits perpetually
ascend to the ceiling and being condensed by the heat roll down the walls
like rain there are more old suits of clothes in it at one time than will be
offered for sale in all Houndsditch in a twelvemonth more unwashed skins and
grizzly beards than all the pumps and shavingshops between Tyburn and
Whitechapel could render decent between sunrise and sunset
It must not be supposed that any of these people have the least shadow of
business in or the remotest connection with the place they so indefatigably
attend If they had it would be no matter of surprise and the singularity of
the thing would cease Some of them sleep during the greater part of the
sitting others carry small portable dinners wrapped in pockethandkerchiefs or
sticking out of their wornout pockets and munch and listen with equal relish
but no one among them was ever known to have the slightest personal interest in
any case that was ever brought forward Whatever they do there they sit from
the first moment to the last When it is heavy rainy weather they all come in
wet through and at such times the vapours of the Court are like those of a
funguspit
A casual visitor might suppose this place to be a Temple dedicated to the
Genius of Seediness There is not a messenger or processserver attached to it
who wears a coat that was made for him not a tolerably fresh or
wholesomelooking man in the whole establishment except a little whiteheaded
apple tipstaff and even he like an illconditioned cherry preserved in
brandy seems to have artificially dried and withered up into a state of
preservation to which he can lay no natural claim The very barristers wigs are
illpowdered and their curls lack crispness
But the attorneys who sit at a large bare table below the Commissioners
are after all the greatest curiosities The professional establishment of the
more opulent of these gentlemen consists of a blue bag and a boy generally a
youth of the Jewish persuasion They have no fixed offices their legal business
being transacted in the parlours of publichouses or the yards of prisons
whither they repair in crowds and canvass for customers after the manner of
omnibus cads They are of a greasy and mildewed appearance and if they can be
said to have any vices at all perhaps drinking and cheating are the most
conspicuous among them Their residences are usually on the outskirts of the
Rules chiefly lying within a circle of one mile from the obelisk in St Georges
Fields Their looks are not prepossessing and their manners are peculiar
Mr Solomon Pell one of this learned body was a fat flabby pale man in a
surtout which looked green one minute and brown the next with a velvet collar
of the same cameleon tints His forehead was narrow his face wide his head
large and his nose all on one side as if Nature indignant with the
propensities she observed in him in his birth had given it an angry tweak which
it had never recovered Being shortnecked and asthmatic however he respired
principally through this feature so perhaps what it wanted in ornament it
made up in usefulness
»Im sure to bring him through it« said Mr Pell
»Are you though« replied the person to whom the assurance was pledged
»Certain sure« replied Pell »but if hed gone to any irregular
practitioner mind you I wouldnt have answered for the consequences«
»Ah« said the other with open mouth
»No that I wouldnt« said Mr Pell and he pursed up his lips frowned
and shook his head mysteriously
Now the place where this discourse occurred was the publichouse just
opposite to the Insolvent Court and the person with whom it was held was no
other than the elder Mr Weller who had come there to comfort and console a
friend whose petition to be discharged under the act was to be that day heard
and whose attorney he was at that moment consulting
»And vere is George« inquired the old gentleman
Mr Pell jerked his head in the direction of a back parlour whither Mr
Weller at once repairing was immediately greeted in the warmest and most
flattering manner by some halfdozen of his professional brethren in token of
their gratification at his arrival The insolvent gentleman who had contracted
a speculative but imprudent passion for horsing long stages which had led to
his present embarrassments looked extremely well and was soothing the
excitement of his feelings with shrimps and porter
The salutation between Mr Weller and his friends was strictly confined to
the freemasonry of the craft consisting of a jerking round of the right wrist
and a tossing of the little finger into the air at the same time We once knew
two famous coachmen they are dead now poor fellows who were twins and
between whom an unaffected and devoted attachment existed They passed each
other on the Dover road every day for twentyfour years never exchanging any
other greeting than this and yet when one died the other pined away and soon
afterwards followed him
»Vell George« said Mr Weller senior taking off his upper coat and
seating himself with his accustomed gravity »How is it All right behind and
full inside«
»All right old feller« replied the embarrassed gentleman
»Is the grey mare made over to any body« inquired Mr Weller anxiously
George nodded in the affirmative
»Vell thats all right« said Mr Weller »Coach taken care on also«
»Consigned in a safe quarter« replied George wringing the heads off
halfadozen shrimps and swallowing them without any more ado
»Wery good wery good« said Mr Weller »Alvays see to the drag ven you go
down hill Is the vaybill all clear and straight forerd«
»The schedule sir« said Pell guessing at Mr Wellers meaning »the
schedule is as plain and satisfactory as pen and ink can make it«
Mr Weller nodded in a manner which bespoke his inward approval of these
arrangements and then turning to Mr Pell said pointing to his friend
George
»Ven do you take his cloths off«
»Why« replied Mr Pell »he stands third on the opposed list and I should
think it would be his turn in about half an hour I told my clerk to come over
and tell us when there was a chance«
Mr Weller surveyed the attorney from head to foot with great admiration
and said emphatically
»And whatll you take sir«
»Why really« replied Mr Pell »youre very Upon my word and honour
Im not in the habit of Its so very early in the morning that actually I
am almost Well you may bring me three pennorth of rum my dear«
The officiating damsel who had anticipated the order before it was given
set the glass of spirits before Pell and retired
»Gentlemen« said Mr Pell looking round upon the company »Success to your
friend I dont like to boast gentlemen its not my way but I cant help
saying that if your friend hadnt been fortunate enough to fall into hands
that but I wont say what I was going to say Gentlemen my service to you«
Having emptied the glass in a twinkling Mr Pell smacked his lips and looked
complacently round on the assembled coachmen who evidently regarded him as a
species of divinity
»Let me see« said the legal authority »What was I asaying gentlemen«
»I think you was remarkin as you wouldnt have no objection to another o
the same sir« said Mr Weller with grave facetiousness
»Ha ha« laughed Mr Pell »Not bad not bad A professional man too At
this time of the morning it would be rather too good a Well I dont know
my dear you may do that again if you please Hem«
This last sound was a solemn and dignified cough in which Mr Pell
observing an indecent tendency to mirth in some of his auditors considered it
due to himself to indulge
»The late Lord Chancellor gentlemen was very fond of me« said Mr Pell
»And wery creditable in him too« interposed Mr Weller
»Hear hear« assented Mr Pells client »Why shouldnt he be«
»Ah Why indeed« said a very redfaced man who had said nothing yet and
who looked extremely unlikely to say anything more »Why shouldnt he«
A murmur of assent ran through the company
»I remember gentlemen« said Mr Pell »dining with him on one occasion
there was only us two but every thing as splendid as if twenty people had been
expected the great seal on a dumbwaiter at his right hand and a man in a
bagwig and suit of armour guarding the mace with a drawn sword and silk
stockings which is perpetually done gentlemen night and day when he said
Pell he said no false delicacy Pell Youre a man of talent you can get any
body through the Insolvent Court Pell and your country should be proud of you
Those were his very words My Lord I said you flatter me Pell he said if
I do Im damned«
»Did he say that« inquired Mr Weller
»He did« replied Pell
»Vell then« said Mr Weller »I say Parliament ought to ha took it up
and if hed been a poor man they would ha done it«
»But my dear friend« argued Mr Pell »it was in confidence«
»In what« said Mr Weller
»In confidence«
»Oh wery good« replied Mr Weller after a little reflection »If he
damned hisself in confidence o course that was another thing«
»Of course it was« said Mr Pell »The distinction's obvious you will
perceive«
»Alters the case entirely« said Mr Weller »Go on sir«
»No I will not go on sir« said Mr Pell in a low and serious tone »You
have reminded me sir that this conversation was private private and
confidential gentlemen Gentlemen I am a professional man It may be that I am
a good deal looked up to in my profession it may be that I am not Most
people know I say nothing Observations have already been made in this room
injurious to the reputation of my noble friend You will excuse me gentlemen I
was imprudent I feel that I have no right to mention this matter without his
concurrence Thank you sir thank you« Thus delivering himself Mr Pell
thrust his hands into his pockets and frowning grimly around rattled
threehalfpence with terrible determination
This virtuous resolution had scarcely been formed when the boy and the blue
bag who were inseparable companions rushed violently into the room and said
at least the boy did for the blue bag took no part in the announcement that
the case was coming on directly The intelligence was no sooner received than
the whole party hurried across the street and began to fight their way into
Court a preparatory ceremony which has been calculated to occupy in ordinary
cases from twentyfive minutes to thirty
Mr Weller being stout cast himself at once into the crowd with the
desperate hope of ultimately turning up in some place which would suit him His
success was not quite equal to his expectations for having neglected to take
his hat off it was knocked over his eyes by some unseen person upon whose toes
he had alighted with considerable force Apparently this individual regretted
his impetuosity immediately afterwards for muttering an indistinct exclamation
of surprise he dragged the old man out into the hall and after a violent
struggle released his head and face
»Samivel« exclaimed Mr Weller when he was thus enabled to behold his
rescuer
Sam nodded
»Youre a dutiful and affectionate little boy you are aint you« said Mr
Weller »to come a bonnetin your father in his old age«
»How should I know who you wos« responded the son »Do you spose I wos to
tell you by the weight o your foot«
»Vell thats wery true Sammy« replied Mr Weller mollified at once »but
wot are you a doin on here Your govnor cant do no good here Sammy They
wont pass that werdick they wont pass it Sammy« And Mr Weller shook his
head with legal solemnity
»Wot a perwerse old file it is« exclaimed Sam »alvays a goin on about
werdicks and alleybis and that Who said anything about the werdick«
Mr Weller made no reply but once more shook his head most learnedly
»Leave off rattlin that ere nob o yourn if you dont want it to come off
the springs altogether« said Sam impatiently »and behave reasonable I vent
all the vay down to the Markis o Granby arter you last night«
»Did you see the Marchioness o Granby Sammy« inquired Mr Weller with a
sigh
»Yes I did« replied Sam
»How wos the dear creetur a lookin«
»Wery queer« said Sam »I think shes a injurin herself gradivally vith
too much o that ere pineapple rum and other strong medicines o the same
natur«
»You dont mean that Sammy« said the senior earnestly
»I do indeed« replied the junior
Mr Weller seized his sons hand clasped it and let it fall There was an
expression on his countenance in doing so not of dismay or apprehension but
partaking more of the sweet and gentle character of hope A gleam of
resignation and even of cheerfulness passed over his face too as he slowly
said »I aint quite certain Sammy I wouldnt like to say I wos altogether
positive in case of any subsekent disappintment but I rayther think my boy I
rayther think that the shepherds got the liver complaint«
»Does he look bad« inquired Sam
»Hes uncommon pale« replied his father »cept about the nose wich is
redder than ever His appetite is wery soso but he imbibes wunderful«
Some thoughts of the rum appeared to obtrude themselves on Mr Wellers
mind as he said this for he looked gloomy and thoughtful but he very shortly
recovered as was testified by a perfect alphabet of winks in which he was only
wont to indulge when particularly pleased
»Vell now« said Sam »about my affair Just open them ears o yourn and
dont say nothin till Ive done« With this brief preface Sam related as
succinctly as he could the last memorable conversation he had had with Mr
Pickwick
»Stop there by himself poor creetur« exclaimed the elder Mr Weller
»without nobody to take his part It cant be done Samivel it cant be done«
»O course it cant« asserted Sam »I knowd that afore I came«
»Wy theyll eat him up alive Sammy« exclaimed Mr Weller
Sam nodded his concurrence in the opinion
»He goes in rayther raw Sammy« said Mr Weller metaphorically »and hell
come out done so exceedin brown that his most familiar friends wont know
him Roast pigeons nothin to it Sammy«
Again Sam Weller nodded
»It oughtnt to be Samivel« said Mr Weller gravely
»It mustnt be« said Sam
»Certnly not« said Mr Weller
»Vell now« said Sam »youve been a prophecyin away wery fine like a
redfaced Nixon as the sixpenny books gives picters on«
»Who wos he Sammy« inquired Mr Weller
»Never mind who he was« retorted Sam »he warnt a coachman thats enough
for you«
»I knowd a ostler o that name« said Mr Weller musing
»It warnt him« said Sam »This here genlmn was a prophet«
»Wots a prophet« inquired Mr Weller looking sternly on his son
»Wy a man as tells whats a goin to happen« replied Sam
»I wish Id knowd him Sammy« said Mr Weller »Praps he might ha
throwd a small light on that ere liver complaint as we wos a speakin on just
now Howsever if hes dead and aint left the bisness to nobody theres an
end on it Go on Sammy« said Mr Weller with a sigh
»Well« said Sam »youve been a prophecyin avay about wotll happen to
the govnor if hes left alone Dont you see any vay o takin care on him«
»No I dont Sammy« said Mr Weller with a reflective visage
»No vay at all« inquired Sam
»No vay« said Mr Weller »unless« and a gleam of intelligence lighted up
his countenance as he sunk his voice to a whisper and applied his mouth to the
ear of his offspring »unless it is getting him out in a turnup bedstead
unbeknown to the turnkeys Sammy or dressin him up like a old ooman vith a
green wail«
Sam Weller received both of these suggestions with unexpected contempt and
again propounded his question
»No« said the old gentleman »if he vont let you stop there I see no vay
at all Its no thoroughfare Sammy no thoroughfare«
»Well then Ill tell you wot it is« said Sam »Ill trouble you for the
loan of fiveandtwenty pound«
»Wot good ull that do« inquired Mr Weller
»Never mind« replied Sam »Praps you may ask for it five minits
artervards praps I may say I vont pay and cut up rough You vont think o
arrestin your own son for the money and sendin him off to the Fleet will
you you unnatral wagabone«
At this reply of Sams the father and son exchanged a complete code of
telegraphic nods and gestures after which the elder Mr Weller sat himself
down on a stone step and laughed till he was purple
»Wot a old image it is« exclaimed Sam indignant at this loss of time
»What are you a settin down there for conwertin your face into a streetdoor
knocker wen theres so much to be done Wheres the money«
»In the boot Sammy in the boot« replied Mr Weller composing his
features »Hold my hat Sammy«
Having divested himself of this incumbrance Mr Weller gave his body a
sudden wrench to one side and by a dexterous twist contrived to get his right
hand into a most capacious pocket from whence after a great deal of panting
and exertion he extricated a pocketbook of the large octavo size fastened by
a huge leathern strap From this ledger he drew forth a couple of whiplashes
three or four buckles a little samplebag of corn and finally a small roll of
very dirty banknotes from which he selected the required amount which he
handed over to Sam
»And now Sammy« said the old gentleman when the whiplashes and the
buckles and the samples had been all put back and the book once more
deposited at the bottom of the same pocket »Now Sammy I know a genlmn
here asll do the rest o the bisness for us in no time a limb o the law
Sammy as has got brains like the frogs dispersed all over his body and
reachin to the wery tips of his fingers a friend of the Lord Chancellorships
Sammy whod only have to tell him what he wanted and hed lock you up for
life if that wos all«
»I say« said Sam »none o that«
»None o wot« inquired Mr Weller
»Wy none o them unconstitootional ways o doing it« retorted Sam »The
havehiscarcase next to the perpetual motion, is vun of the blessedest things
as wos ever made Ive read that ere in the newspapers wery ofen«
»Well wots that got to do vith it« inquired Mr Weller
»Just this here« said Sam »that Ill patronise the inwention and go in
that vay No visperins to the Chancellorship I dont like the notion. It
maynt be altogether safe vith reference to gettin out agin«
Deferring to his sons feeling upon this point Mr Weller at once sought
the erudite Solomon Pell and acquainted him with his desire to issue a writ
instantly for the sum of twentyfive pounds and costs of process to be
executed without delay upon the body of one Samuel Weller the charges thereby
incurred to be paid in advance to Solomon Pell
The attorney was in high glee for the embarrassed coachhorser was ordered
to be discharged forthwith He highly approved of Sams attachment to his
master declared that it strongly reminded him of his own feelings of devotion
to his friend the Chancellor and at once led the elder Mr Weller down to the
Temple to swear the affidavit of debt which the boy with the assistance of
the blue bag had drawn up on the spot
Meanwhile Sam having been formally introduced to the whitewashed gentleman
and his friends as the offspring of Mr Weller of the Belle Savage was
treated with marked distinction and invited to regale himself with them in
honour of the occasion an invitation which he was by no means backward in
accepting
The mirth of gentlemen of this class is of a grave and quiet character
usually but the present instance was one of peculiar festivity and they
relaxed in proportion After some rather tumultuous toasting of the Chief
Commissioner and Mr Solomon Pell who had that day displayed such transcendent
abilities a mottledfaced gentleman in a blue shawl proposed that somebody
should sing a song The obvious suggestion was that the mottledfaced
gentleman being anxious for a song should sing it himself but this the
mottledfaced gentleman sturdily and somewhat offensively declined to do Upon
which as is not unusual in such cases a rather angry colloquy ensued
»Gentlemen« said the coachhorser »rather than disturb the harmony of this
delightful occasion perhaps Mr Samuel Weller will oblige the company«
»Raly gentlemen« said Sam »Im not wery much in the habit o singin
without the instrument but anythin for a quiet life as the man said wen he
took the sitivation at the lighthouse«
With this prelude Mr Samuel Weller burst at once into the following wild
and beautiful legend which under the impression that it is not generally
known we take the liberty of quoting We would beg to call particular attention
to the monosyllable at the end of the second and fourth lines which not only
enables the singer to take breath at those points but greatly assists the
metre
Romance
I
Bold Turpin vunce on Hounslow Heath
His bold mare Bess bestrode er
Ven there he seed the Bishops coach
Acoming along the road er
So he gallops close to the orses legs
And he claps his head vithin
And the Bishop says »Sure as eggs is eggs
This heres the bold Turpin«
Chorus
And the Bishop says »Sure as eggs is eggs
This heres the bold Turpin«
II
Says Turpin »Yon shall eat your words
With a sarse of leaden bullet«
So he puts a pistol to his mouth
And he fires it down his gullet
The coachman he not likin the job
Set off at a full gallop
But Dick put a couple of balls in his nob
And perwailed on him to stop
Chorus sarcastically
But Dick put a couple of balls in his nob
And perwailed on him to stop
»I maintain that that ere songs personal to the cloth« said the mottledfaced
gentleman interrupting it at this point »I demand the name o that coachman«
»Nobody knowd« replied Sam »He hadnt got his card in his pocket«
»I object to the introduction o politics« said the mottlefaced gentleman
»I submit that in the present company that ere songs political and wots
much the same that it aint true I say that that coachman did not run away
but that he died game game as pheasants and I wont hear nothin said to the
contrairey«
As the mottlefaced gentleman spoke with great energy and determination and
as the opinions of the company seemed divided on the subject it threatened to
give rise to fresh altercation when Mr Weller and Mr Pell most opportunely
arrived
»All right Sammy« said Mr Weller
»The officer will be here at four oclock« said Mr Pell »I suppose you
wont run away meanwhile eh Ha ha«
»Praps my cruel pa ull relent afore then« replied Sam with a broad grin
»Not I« said the elder Mr Weller
»Do« said Sam
»Not on no account« replied the inexorable creditor
»Ill give bills for the amount at sixpence a month« said Sam
»I wont take em« said Mr Weller
»Ha ha ha very good very good« said Mr Solomon Pell who was making
out his little bill of costs »a very amusing incident indeed Benjamin copy
that« And Mr Pell smiled again as he called Mr Wellers attention to the
amount
»Thank you thank you« said the professional gentleman taking up another
of the greasy notes as Mr Weller took it from the pocketbook »Three ten and
one ten is five Much obliged to you Mr Weller Your son is a most deserving
young man very much so indeed sir Its a very pleasant trait in a young mans
character very much so« added Mr Pell smiling smoothly round as he buttoned
up the money
»Wot a game it is« said the elder Mr Weller with a chuckle »A reglar
prodigy son«
»Prodigal prodigal son sir« suggested Mr Pell mildly
»Never mind sir« said Mr Weller with dignity »I know wots oclock
sir Wen I dont Ill ask you sir«
By the time the officer arrived Sam had made himself so extremely popular
that the congregated gentlemen determined to see him to prison in a body So
off they set the plaintiff and defendant walking arminarm the officer in
front and eight stout coachmen bringing up the rear At Serjeants Inn
Coffeehouse the whole party halted to refresh and the legal arrangements
being completed the procession moved on again
Some little commotion was occasioned in Fleet Street by the pleasantry of
the eight gentlemen in the flank who persevered in walking four abreast it was
also found necessary to leave the mottlefaced gentleman behind to fight a
ticketporter it being arranged that his friends should call for him as they
came back Nothing but these little incidents occurred on the way When they
reached the gate of the Fleet the cavalcade taking the time from the
plaintiff gave three tremendous cheers for the defendant and after having
shaken hands all round left him
Sam having been formally delivered into the wardens custody to the
intense astonishment of Roker and to the evident emotion of even the phlegmatic
Neddy passed at once into the prison walked straight to his masters room and
knocked at the door
»Come in« said Mr Pickwick
Sam appeared pulled off his hat and smiled
»Ah Sam my good lad« said Mr Pickwick evidently delighted to see his
humble friend again »I had no intention of hurting your feelings yesterday my
faithful fellow by what I said Put down your hat Sam and let me explain my
meaning a little more at length«
»Wont presently do sir« inquired Sam
»Certainly« said Mr Pickwick »but why not now«
»Id rayther not now sir« rejoined Sam
»Why« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Cause « said Sam hesitating
»Because of what« inquired Mr Pickwick alarmed at his followers manner
»Speak out Sam«
»Cause« rejoined Sam »cause Ive got a little bisness as I want to do«
»What business« inquired Mr Pickwick surprised at Sams confused manner
»Nothin partickler sir« replied Sam
»Oh if its nothing particular« said Mr Pickwick with a smile »you can
speak with me first«
»I think Id better see arter it at once« said Sam still hesitating
Mr Pickwick looked amazed but said nothing
»The fact is« said Sam stopping short
»Well« said Mr Pickwick »Speak out Sam«
»Why the fact is« said Sam with a desperate effort »Praps Id better
see arter my bed afore I do anythin else«
»Your bed« exclaimed Mr Pickwick in astonishment
»Yes my bed sir« replied Sam »Im a prisner I was arrested this here
wery arternoon for debt«
»You arrested for debt« exclaimed Mr Pickwick sinking into a chair
»Yes for debt sir« replied Sam »And the man as puts me in ull never
let me out till you go yourself«
»Bless my heart and soul« ejaculated Mr Pickwick »What do you mean«
»Wot I say sir« rejoined Sam »If its forty year to come I shall be a
prisner and Im very glad on it and if it had been Newgate it would ha been
just the same Now the murders out and damme theres an end on it«
With these words which he repeated with great emphasis and violence Sam
Weller dashed his hat upon the ground in a most unusual state of excitement
and then folding his arms looked firmly and fixedly in his masters face
Chapter XLIV
Treats of Divers Little Matters Which Occurred in the Fleet and of Mr Winkles
Mysterious Behaviour and Shows How the Poor Chancery Prisoner Obtained His
Release at Last
Mr Pickwick felt a great deal too much touched by the warmth of Sams
attachment to be able to exhibit any manifestation of anger or displeasure at
the precipitate course he had adopted in voluntarily consigning himself to a
debtors prison for an indefinite period The only point on which he persevered
in demanding any explanation was the name of Sams detaining creditor but
this Mr Weller as perseveringly withheld
»It aint o no use sir« said Sam again and again »Hes a malicious
baddisposed vorldlyminded spiteful windictive creetur with a hard heart as
there aint no softnin As the wirtuous clergyman remarked of the old
genlmn with the dropsy ven he said that upon the whole he thought hed
rayther leave his property to his vife than build a chapel vith it«
»But consider Sam« Mr Pickwick remonstrated »the sum is so small that it
can very easily be paid and having made up my mind that you shall stop with me
you should recollect how much more useful you would be if you could go outside
the walls«
»Wery much obliged to you sir« replied Mr Weller gravely »but Id
rayther not«
»Rather not do what Sam«
»Wy Id rayther not let myself down to ask a favour o this here
unremorseful enemy«
»But it is no favour asking him to take his money Sam« reasoned Mr
Pickwick
»Beg your pardon sir« rejoined Sam »but it ud be a wery great favour to
pay it and he dont deserve none thats where it is sir«
Here Mr Pickwick rubbing his nose with an air of some vexation Mr Weller
thought it prudent to change the theme of the discourse
»I takes my determination on principle sir« remarked Sam »and you takes
yours on the same ground wich puts me in mind o the man as killed hisself on
principle wich o course youve heerd on sir« Mr Weller paused when he
arrived at this point and cast a comical look at his master out of the corners
of his eyes
»There is no of course in the case Sam« said Mr Pickwick gradually
breaking into a smile in spite of the uneasiness which Sams obstinacy had
given him »The fame of the gentleman in question never reached my ears«
»No sir« exclaimed Mr Weller »You astonish me sir he wos a clerk in a
govment office sir«
»Was he« said Mr Pickwick
»Yes he wos sir« rejoined Mr Weller »and a wery pleasant genlmn too
one o the precise and tidy sort as puts their feet in little Indiarubber
firebuckets wen its wet weather and never has no other bosom friends but
hareskins he saved up his money on principle wore a clean shirt evry day on
principle never spoke to none of his relations on principle fear they shoud
want to borrow money of him and wos altogether in fact an uncommon agreeable
character He had his hair cut on principle vunce a fortnight and contracted
for his clothes on the economic principle three suits a year and send back
the old uns Being a wery reglar genlmn he dind evry day at the same
place where it wos one and nine to cut off the joint and a wery good one and
nines worth he used to cut as the landlord often said with the tears a
tricklin down his face let alone the way he used to poke the fire in the
vinter time which wos a dead loss o fourpence hapenny a day to say nothin
at all o the aggrawation o seein him do it So uncommon grand with it too
Post arter the next genlmn he sings out evry day ven he comes in See arter
the Times Thomas let me look at the Mornin Herald wen its out o hand
dont forget to bespeak the Chronicle and just bring the Tizer vill you and
then hed set vith his eyes fixed on the clock and rush out just a quarter of
a minit afore the time to waylay the boy as wos a comin in with the evenin
paper wich hed read with sich intense interest and persewerance as worked the
other customers up to the wery confines o desperation and insanity specially
one irascible old genlmn as the vaiter wos always obliged to keep a sharp
eye on at sich times fear he should be tempted to commit some rash act with
the carving knife Vell sir here hed stop occupyin the best place for three
hours and never takin nothin arter his dinner but sleep and then hed go
away to a coffeehouse a few streets off and have a small pot o coffee and
four crumpets arter wich hed walk home to Kensington and go to bed One night
he wos took very ill sends for a doctor doctor comes in a green fly with a
kind o Robinson Crusoe set o steps as he could let down wen he got out and
pull up arter him wen he got in to perwent the necessity o the coachmans
gettin down and thereby undeceivin the public by lettin em see that it wos
only a livery coat as hed got on and not the trousers to match Wots the
matter says the doctor Wery ill says the patient Wot have you been a eatin
on says the doctor Roast weal says the patient Wots the last thing you
dewoured says the doctor Crumpets says the patient Thats it says the
doctor Ill send you a box of pills directly and dont you never take no more
of em he says No more o wot says the patient Pills No crumpets says
the doctor Wy says the patient starting up in bed Ive eat four crumpets
evry night for fifteen year on principle Well then youd better leave em
off on principle says the doctor Crumpets is wholesome sir says the
patient Crumpets is not wholesome sir says the doctor wery fierce But
theyre so cheap says the patient comin down a little and so wery fillin at
the price Theyd be dear to you at any price dear if you wos paid to eat em
says the doctor Four crumpets a night he says vill do your business in six
months The patient looks him full in the face and turns it over in his mind
for a long time and at last he says Are you sure o that ere sir Ill stake
my professional reputation on it says the doctor How many crumpets at a
sittin do you think ud kill me off at once says the patient I dont know
says the doctor Do you think half a crowns wurth ud do it says the patient
I think it might says the doctor Three shillins wurth ud be sure to do it I
spose says the patient Certainly says the doctor Wery good says the
patient good night Next mornin he gets up has a fire lit orders in three
shillins wurth o crumpets toasts em all eats em all and blows his brains
out«
»What did he do that for« inquired Mr Pickwick abruptly for he was
considerably startled by this tragical termination of the narrative
»Wot did he do it for sir« reiterated Sam »Wy in support of his great
principle that crumpets wos wholesome and to show that he wouldnt be put out
of his way for nobody«
With such like shiftings and changings of the discourse did Mr Weller meet
his masters questioning on the night of his taking up his residence in the
Fleet Finding all gentle remonstrance useless Mr Pickwick at length yielded a
reluctant consent to his taking lodgings by the week of a baldheaded cobbler
who rented a small sliproom in one of the upper galleries To this humble
apartment Mr Weller moved a mattress and bedding which he hired of Mr Roker
and by the time he lay down upon it at night was as much at home as if he had
been bred in the prison and his whole family had vegetated therein for three
generations
»Do you always smoke arter you goes to bed old cock« inquired Mr Weller
of his landlord when they had both retired for the night
»Yes I does young bantam« replied the cobbler
»Will you allow me to inquire wy you make up your bed under that ere deal
table« said Sam
»Cause I was always used to a fourposter afore I came here and I find the
legs of the table answer just as well« replied the cobbler
»Youre a character sir« said Sam
»I havent got anything of the kind belonging to me« rejoined the cobbler
shaking his head »and if you want to meet with a good one Im afraid youll
find some difficulty in suiting yourself at this register office«
The above short dialogue took place as Mr Weller lay extended on his
mattress at one end of the room and the cobbler on his at the other the
apartment being illumined by the light of a rush candle and the cobblers pipe
which was glowing below the table like a redhot coal The conversation brief
as it was predisposed Mr Weller strongly in his landlords favour and raising
himself on his elbow he took a more lengthened survey of his appearance than he
had yet had either time or inclination to make
He was a sallow man all cobblers are and had a strong bristly beard all
cobblers have His face was a queer goodtempered crookedfeatured piece of
workmanship ornamented with a couple of eyes that must have worn a very joyous
expression at one time for they sparkled yet The man was sixty by years and
Heaven knows how old by imprisonment so that his having any look approaching to
mirth or contentment was singular enough He was a little man and being half
doubled up as he lay in bed looked about as long as he ought to have been
without his legs He had a great red pipe in his mouth and was smoking and
staring at the rushlight in a state of enviable placidity
»Have you been here long« inquired Sam breaking the silence which had
lasted for some time
»Twelve year« replied the cobbler biting the end of his pipe as he spoke
»Contempt« inquired Sam
The cobbler nodded
»Well then« said Sam with some sternness »wot do you persevere in bein
obstinit for vastin your precious life away in this here magnified pound Wy
dont you give in and tell the Chancellorship that youre wery sorry for makin
his court contemptible and you wont do so no more«
The cobbler put his pipe in the corner of his mouth while he smiled and
then brought it back to its old place again but said nothing
»Wy dont you« said Sam urging his question strenuously
»Ah« said the cobbler »you dont quite understand these matters What do
you suppose ruined me now«
»Wy« said Sam trimming the rushlight »I spose the beginnin wos that
you got into debt eh«
»Never owed a farden« said the cobbler »try again«
»Well perhaps« said Sam »you bought houses wich is delicate English for
goin mad or took to buildin wich is a medical term for bein incurable«
The cobbler shook his head and said »Try again«
»You didnt go to law I hope« said Sam suspiciously
»Never in my life« replied the cobbler »The fact is I was ruined by
having money left me«
»Come come« said Sam »that vont do I wish some rich enemy ud try to
vork my destruction in that ere vay Id let him«
»Oh I dare say you dont believe it« said the cobbler quietly smoking his
pipe »I wouldnt if I was you but its true for all that«
»How wos it« inquired Sam half induced to believe the fact already by the
look the cobbler gave him
»Just this« replied the cobbler »an old gentleman that I worked for down
in the country and a humble relation of whose I married shes dead God bless
her and thank Him for it was seized with a fit and went off«
»Where« inquired Sam who was growing sleepy after the numerous events of
the day
»How should I know where he went« said the cobbler speaking through his
nose in an intense enjoyment of his pipe »He went off dead«
»Oh that indeed« said Sam »Well«
»Well« said the cobbler »he left five thousand pound behind him«
»And wery genteel in him so to do« said Sam
»One of which« continued the cobbler »he left to me cause Id married
his relation you see«
»Wery good« murmured Sam
»And being surrounded by a great number of nieces and nevys as was always a
quarrelling and fighting among themselves for the property he makes me his
executor and leaves the rest to me in trust to divide it among em as the
will prowided«
»Wot do you mean by leavin it on trust« inquired Sam waking up a little
»If it aint ready money wheres the use on it«
»Its a law term thats all« said the cobbler
»I dont think that« said Sam shaking his head »Theres wery little trust
at that shop Howsever go on«
»Well« said the cobbler »when I was going to take out a probate of the
will the nieces and nevys who was desperately disappointed at not getting all
the money enters a caveat against it«
»Whats that« inquired Sam
»A legal instrument which is as much as to say its no go« replied the
cobbler
»I see« said Sam »a sort of brotherinlaw o the havehiscarcase Well«
»But« continued the cobbler »finding that they couldnt agree among
themselves and consequently couldnt get up a case against the will they
withdrew the caveat and I paid all the legacies Id hardly done it when one
nevy brings an action to set the will aside The case comes on some months
afterwards afore a deaf old gentleman in a back room somewhere down by Pauls
Churchyard and arter four counsels had taken a day apiece to bother him
regularly he takes a week or two to consider and read the evidence in six
vollums and then gives his judgment that how the testator was not quite right
in his head and I must pay all the money back again and all the costs I
appealed the case come on before three or four very sleepy gentlemen who had
heard it all before in the other court where theyre lawyers without work the
only difference being that there theyre called doctors and in the other
place delegates if you understand that and they very dutifully confirmed the
decision of the old gentleman below After that we went into Chancery where we
are still and where I shall always be My lawyers have had all my thousand
pound long ago and what between the estate as they call it and the costs Im
here for ten thousand and shall stop here till I die mending shoes Some
gentlemen have talked of bringing it afore parliament and I dare say would have
done it only they hadnt time to come to me and I hadnt power to go to them
and they got tired of my long letters and dropped the business And this is
Gods truth without one word of suppression or exaggeration as fifty people
both in this place and out of it very well know«
The cobbler paused to ascertain what effect his story had produced on Sam
but finding that he had dropped asleep knocked the ashes out of his pipe
sighed put it down drew the bedclothes over his head and went to sleep too
Mr Pickwick was sitting at breakfast alone next morning Sam being busily
engaged in the cobblers room polishing his masters shoes and brushing the
black gaiters when there came a knock at the door which before Mr Pickwick
could cry »Come in« was followed by the appearance of a head of hair and a
cottonvelvet cap both of which articles of dress he had no difficulty in
recognising as the personal property of Mr Smangle
»How are you« said that worthy accompanying the inquiry with a score or
two of nods »I say do you expect anybody this morning Three men devilish
gentlemanly fellows have been asking after you down stairs and knocking at
every door on the Hall flight for which theyve been most infernally blown up
by the collegians that had the trouble of opening em«
»Dear me How very foolish of them« said Mr Pickwick rising »Yes I have
no doubt they are some friends whom I rather expected to see yesterday«
»Friends of yours« exclaimed Smangle seizing Mr Pickwick by the hand
»Say no more Curse me theyre friends of mine from this minute and friends of
Mivinss too Infernal pleasant gentlemanly dog Mivins isnt he« said
Smangle with great feeling
»I know so little of the gentleman« said Mr Pickwick hesitating »that I
«
»I know you do« interposed Smangle clasping Mr Pickwick by the shoulder
»You shall know him better Youll be delighted with him That man sir« said
Smangle with a solemn countenance »has comic powers that would do honour to
Drury Lane Theatre«
»Has he indeed« said Mr Pickwick
»Ah by Jove he has« replied Smangle »Hear him come the four cats in the
wheelbarrow four distinct cats sir I pledge you my honour Now you know
thats infernal clever Damme you cant help liking a man when you see these
traits about him Hes only one fault that little failing I mentioned to you
you know«
As Mr Smangle shook his head in a confidential and sympathising manner at
this juncture Mr Pickwick felt that he was expected to say something so he
said »Ah« and looked restlessly at the door
»Ah« echoed Mr Smangle with a longdrawn sigh »Hes delightful company
that man is sir I dont know better company anywhere but he has that one
drawback If the ghost of his grandfather sir was to rise before him this
minute hed ask him for the loan of his acceptance on an eighteenpenny stamp«
»Dear me« exclaimed Mr Pickwick
»Yes« added Mr Smangle »and if hed the power of raising him again he
would in two months and three days from this time to renew the bill«
»Those are very remarkable traits« said Mr Pickwick »but Im afraid that
while we are talking here my friends may be in a state of great perplexity at
not finding me«
»Ill show em the way« said Smangle making for the door »Good day I
wont disturb you while theyre here you know Bythebye «
As Smangle pronounced the last three words he stopped suddenly reclosed
the door which he had opened and walking softly back to Mr Pickwick stepped
close up to him on tiptoe and said in a very soft whisper
»You couldnt make it convenient to lend me halfacrown till the latter end
of next week could you«
Mr Pickwick could scarcely forbear smiling but managing to preserve his
gravity he drew forth the coin and placed it in Mr Smangles palm upon
which that gentleman with many nods and winks implying profound mystery
disappeared in quest of the three strangers with whom he presently returned
and having coughed thrice and nodded as many times as an assurance to Mr
Pickwick that he would not forget to pay he shook hands all round in an
engaging manner and at length took himself off
»My dear friends« said Mr Pickwick shaking hands alternately with Mr
Tupman Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass who were the three visitors in question
»I am delighted to see you«
The triumvirate were much affected Mr Tupman shook his head deploringly
Mr Snodgrass drew forth his handkerchief with undisguised emotion and Mr
Winkle retired to the window and sniffed aloud
»Mornin genlmn« said Sam entering at the moment with the shoes and
gaiters »Avay vith melincholly as the little boy said ven his schoolmissis
died Velcome to the College genlmn«
»This foolish fellow« said Mr Pickwick tapping Sam on the head as he
knelt down to button up his masters gaiters »This foolish fellow has got
himself arrested in order to be near me«
»What« exclaimed the three friends
»Yes genlmn« said Sam »Im a stand steady sir if you please Im
a prisner genlmn Confined as the lady said«
»A prisoner« exclaimed Mr Winkle with unaccountable vehemence
»Hallo sir« responded Sam looking up »Wots the matter sir«
»I had hoped Sam that nothing nothing« said Mr Winkle
precipitately
There was something so very abrupt and unsettled in Mr Winkles manner
that Mr Pickwick involuntarily looked at his two friends for an explanation
»We dont know« said Mr Tupman answering this mute appeal aloud »He has
been much excited for two days past and his whole demeanour very unlike what it
usually is We feared there must be something the matter but he resolutely
denies it«
»No no« said Mr Winkle colouring beneath Mr Pickwicks gaze »there is
really nothing I assure you there is nothing my dear sir It will be necessary
for me to leave town for a short time on private business and I had hoped to
have prevailed upon you to allow Sam to accompany me«
Mr Pickwick looked more astonished than before
»I think« faltered Mr Winkle »that Sam would have had no objection to do
so but of course his being a prisoner here renders it impossible So I must
go alone«
As Mr Winkle said these words Mr Pickwick felt with some astonishment
that Sams fingers were trembling at the gaiters as if he were rather surprised
or startled Sam looked up at Mr Winkle too when he had finished speaking
and though the glance they exchanged was instantaneous they seemed to
understand each other
»Do you know anything of this Sam« said Mr Pickwick sharply
»No I dont sir« replied Mr Weller beginning to button with
extraordinary assiduity
»Are you sure Sam« said Mr Pickwick
»Wy sir« responded Mr Weller »Im sure so far that Ive never heerd
anythin on the subject afore this moment If I makes any guess about it« added
Sam looking at Mr Winkle »I havent got any right to say wot it is fear it
should be a wrong un«
»I have no right to make any further inquiry into the private affairs of a
friend however intimate a friend« said Mr Pickwick after a short silence
»at present let me merely say that I do not understand this at all There We
have had quite enough of the subject«
Thus expressing himself Mr Pickwick led the conversation to different
topics and Mr Winkle gradually appeared more at ease though still very far
from being completely so They had all so much to converse about that the
morning very quickly passed away and when at three oclock Mr Weller
produced upon the little dining table a roast leg of mutton and an enormous
meat pie with sundry dishes of vegetables and pots of porter which stood upon
the chairs or the sofabedstead or where they could everybody felt disposed to
do justice to the meal notwithstanding that the meat had been purchased and
dressed and the pie made and baked at the prison cookery hard by
To these succeeded a bottle or two of very good wine for which a messenger
was dispatched by Mr Pickwick to the Horn Coffeehouse in Doctors Commons The
bottle or two indeed might be more properly described as a bottle or six for
by the time it was drunk and tea over the bell began to ring for strangers to
withdraw
But if Mr Winkles behaviour had been unaccountable in the morning it
became perfectly unearthly and solemn when under the influence of his feelings
and his share of the bottle or six he prepared to take leave of his friend He
lingered behind until Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass had disappeared and then
fervently clenched Mr Pickwicks hand with an expression of face in which deep
and mighty resolve was fearfully blended with the very concentrated essence of
gloom
»Good night my dear sir« said Mr Winkle between his set teeth
»Bless you my dear fellow« replied the warmhearted Mr Pickwick as he
returned the pressure of his young friends hand
»Now then« cried Mr Tupman from the gallery
»Yes yes directly« replied Mr Winkle »Good night«
»Good night« said Mr Pickwick
There was another good night and another and halfadozen more after that
and still Mr Winkle had fast hold of his friends hand and was looking into
his face with the same strange expression
»Is anything the matter« said Mr Pickwick at last when his arm was quite
sore with shaking
»Nothing« said Mr Winkle
»Well then good night« said Mr Pickwick attempting to disengage his
hand
»My friend my benefactor my honoured companion« murmured Mr Winkle
catching at his wrist »Do not judge me harshly do not when you hear that
driven to extremity by hopeless obstacles I «
»Now then« said Mr Tupman reappearing at the door »Are you coming or
are we to be locked in«
»Yes yes I am ready« replied Mr Winkle And with a violent effort he
tore himself away
As Mr Pickwick was gazing down the passage after them in silent
astonishment Sam Weller appeared at the stairhead and whispered for one
moment in Mr Winkles ear
»Oh certainly depend upon me« said that gentleman aloud
»Thankee sir You wont forget sir« said Sam
»Of course not« replied Mr Winkle
»Wish you luck sir« said Sam touching his hat »I should very much like
to ha joined you sir but the govner o course is pairamount«
»It is very much to your credit that you remain here« said Mr Winkle With
these words they disappeared down the stairs
»Very extraordinary« said Mr Pickwick going back into his room and
seating himself at the table in a musing attitude »What can that young man be
going to do«
He had sat ruminating about the matter for some time when the voice of
Roker the turnkey demanded whether he might come in
»By all means« said Mr Pickwick
»Ive brought you a softer pillow sir« said Roker »instead of the
temporary one you had last night«
»Thank you« said Mr Pickwick »Will you take a glass of wine«
»Youre wery good sir« replied Mr Roker accepting the proffered glass
»Yours sir«
»Thank you« said Mr Pickwick
»Im sorry to say that your landlords wery bad tonight sir« said Roker
setting down the glass and inspecting the lining of his hat preparatory to
putting it on again
»What The Chancery prisoner« exclaimed Mr Pickwick
»He wont be a Chancery prisoner wery long sir« replied Roker turning his
hat round so as to get the makers name right side upwards as he looked into
it
»You make my blood run cold« said Mr Pickwick »What do you mean«
»Hes been consumptive for a long time past« said Mr Roker »and hes
taken wery bad in the breath tonight The doctor said six months ago that
nothing but change of air could save him«
»Great Heaven« exclaimed Mr Pickwick »has this man been slowly murdered
by the law for six months«
»I dont know about that« replied Roker weighing the hat by the brims in
both hands »I suppose hed have been took the same wherever he was He went
into the infirmary this morning the doctor says his strength is to be kept up
as much as possible and the wardens sent him wine and broth and that from his
own house Its not the wardens fault you know sir«
»Of course not« replied Mr Pickwick hastily
»Im afraid however« said Roker shaking his head »that its all up with
him I offered Neddy two six pennorths to one upon it just now but he wouldnt
take it and quite right Thankee sir Good night sir«
»Stay« said Mr Pickwick earnestly »Where is this infirmary«
»Just over where you slept sir« replied Roker »Ill show you if you like
to come« Mr Pickwick snatched up his hat without speaking and followed at
once
The turnkey led the way in silence and gently raising the latch of the
roomdoor motioned Mr Pickwick to enter It was a large bare desolate room
with a number of stump bedsteads made of iron on one of which lay stretched
the shadow of a man wan pale and ghastly His breathing was hard and thick
and he moaned painfully as it came and went At the bedside sat a short old man
in a cobblers apron who by the aid of a pair of horn spectacles was reading
from the Bible aloud It was the fortunate legatee
The sick man laid his hand upon his attendants arm and motioned him to
stop He closed the book and laid it on the bed
»Open the window« said the sick man
He did so The noise of carriages and carts the rattle of wheels the cries
of men and boys all the busy sounds of a mighty multitude instinct with life
and occupation blended into one deep murmur floated into the room Above the
hoarse loud hum arose from time to time a boisterous laugh or a scrap of some
jingling song shouted forth by one of the giddy crowd would strike upon the
ear for an instant and then be lost amidst the roar of voices and the tramp of
footsteps the breaking of the billows of the restless sea of life that rolled
heavily on without Melancholy sounds to a quiet listener at any time how
melancholy to the watcher by the bed of death
»There is no air here« said the sick man faintly »The place pollutes it
It was fresh round about when I walked there years ago but it grows hot and
heavy in passing these walls I cannot breathe it«
»We have breathed it together for a long time« said the old man »Come
come«
There was a short silence during which the two spectators approached the
bed The sick man drew a hand of his old fellow prisoner towards him and
pressing it affectionately between both his own retained it in his grasp
»I hope« he gasped after a while so faintly that they bent their ears
close over the bed to catch the halfformed sounds his pale lips gave vent to
»I hope my merciful Judge will bear in mind my heavy punishment on earth Twenty
years my friend twenty years in this hideous grave My heart broke when my
child died and I could not even kiss him in his little coffin My loneliness
since then in all this noise and riot has been very dreadful May God forgive
me He has seen my solitary lingering death«
He folded his hands and murmuring something more they could not hear fell
into a sleep only a sleep at first for they saw him smile
They whispered together for a little time and the turnkey stooping over
the pillow drew hastily back »He has got his discharge by G« said the man
He had But he had grown so like death in life that they knew not when he
died
Chapter XLV
Descriptive of an Affecting Interview between Mr Samuel Weller and a Family
Party Mr Pickwick Makes a Tour of the Diminutive World He Inhabits and
Resolves To Mix with It in Future as Little as Possible
A few mornings after his incarceration Mr Samuel Weller having arranged his
masters room with all possible care and seen him comfortably seated over his
books and papers withdrew to employ himself for an hour or two to come as he
best could It was a fine morning and it occurred to Sam that a pint of porter
in the open air would lighten his next quarter of an hour or so as well as any
little amusement in which he could indulge
Having arrived at this conclusion he betook himself to the tap Having
purchased the beer and obtained moreover the daybutonebeforeyesterdays
paper he repaired to the skittleground and seating himself on a bench
proceeded to enjoy himself in a very sedate and methodical manner
First of all he took a refreshing draught of the beer and then he looked
up at a window and bestowed a Platonic wink on a young lady who was peeling
potatoes thereat Then he opened the paper and folded it so as to get the
police reports outwards and this being a vexatious and difficult thing to do
when there is any wind stirring he took another draught of the beer when he had
accomplished it Then he read two lines of the paper and stopped short to
look at a couple of men who were finishing a game at rackets which being
concluded he cried out »wery good« in an approving manner and looked round
upon the spectators to ascertain whether their sentiments coincided with his
own This involved the necessity of looking up at the windows also and as the
young lady was still there it was an act of common politeness to wink again
and to drink to her good health in dumb show in another draught of the beer
which Sam did and having frowned hideously upon a small boy who had noted this
latter proceeding with open eyes he threw one leg over the other and holding
the newspaper in both hands began to read in real earnest
He had hardly composed himself into the needful state of abstraction when
he thought he heard his own name proclaimed in some distant passage Nor was he
mistaken for it quickly passed from mouth to mouth and in a few seconds the
air teemed with shouts of »Weller«
»Here« roared Sam in a stentorian voice »Wots the matter Who wants him
Has an express come to say that his countryhouse is afire«
»Somebody wants you in the hall« said a man who was standing by
»Just mind that ere paper and the pot old feller will you« said Sam
»Im a comin Blessed if they was a callin me to the bar they couldnt make
more noise about it«
Accompanying these words with a gentle rap on the head of the young
gentleman before noticed who unconscious of his close vicinity to the person
in request was screaming »Weller« with all his might Sam hastened across the
ground and ran up the steps into the hall Here the first object that met his
eyes was his beloved father sitting on a bottom stair with his hat in his hand
shouting out »Weller« in his very loudest tone at halfminute intervals
»Wot are you a roarin at« said Sam impetuously when the old gentleman had
discharged himself of another shout »makin yourself so precious hot that you
looks like a aggravated glassblower Wots the matter«
»Aha« replied the old gentleman »I began to be afeerd that youd gone for
a walk round the Regency Park Sammy«
»Come« said Sam »none o them taunts agin the wictim o avarice and come
off that ere step Wot are you a settin down there for I dont live there«
»Ive got such a game for you Sammy« said the elder Mr Weller rising
»Stop a minit« said Sam »youre all vite behind«
»Thats right Sammy rub it off« said Mr Weller as his son dusted him
»It might look personal here if a man walked about with whitevash on his
clothes eh Sammy«
As Mr Weller exhibited in this place unequivocal symptoms of an approaching
fit of chuckling Sam interposed to stop it
»Keep quiet do« said Sam »there never vos such a old pictercard born
Wot are you bustin vith now«
»Sammy« said Mr Weller wiping his forehead »Im afeerd that vun o these
days I shall laugh myself into a appleplexy my boy«
»Vell then wot do you do it for« said Sam »Now wot have you got to
say«
»Who do you thinks come here with me Samivel« said Mr Weller drawing
back a pace or two pursing up his mouth and extending his eyebrows
»Pell« said Sam
Mr Weller shook his head and his red cheek expanded with the laughter that
was endeavouring to find a vent
»Mottledfaced man praps« suggested Sam
Again Mr Weller shook his head
»Who then« asked Sam
»Your motherinlaw« said Mr Weller and it was lucky he did say it or
his cheeks must inevitably have cracked from their most unnatural distension
»Your motherinlaw Sammy« said Mr Weller »and the rednosed man my
boy and the rednosed man Ho ho ho«
With this Mr Weller launched into convulsions of laughter while Sam
regarded him with a broad grin gradually overspreading his whole countenance
»Theyve come to have a little serious talk with you Samivel« said Mr
Weller wiping his eyes »Dont let out nothin about the unnatral creditor
Sammy«
»Wot dont they know who it is« inquired Sam
»Not a bit on it« replied his father
»Vere are they« said Sam reciprocating all the old gentlemans grins
»In the snuggery« rejoined Mr Weller »Catch the rednosed man a goin any
vere but vere the liquors is not he Samivel not he Ved a wery pleasant ride
along the road from the Markis this mornin Sammy« said Mr Weller when he
felt himself equal to the task of speaking in an articulate manner »I drove the
old piebald in that ere little shaycart as belonged to your motherinlaws
first wenter into vich a harmcheer wos lifted for the shepherd and Im
blest« said Mr Weller with a look of deep scorn »Im blest if they didnt
bring a portable flight o steps out into the road a front o our door for him
to get up by«
»You dont mean that« said Sam
»I do mean that Sammy« replied his father »and I vish you could ha seen
how tight he held on by the sides wen he did get up as if he wos afeerd o
being precipitayted down full six foot and dashed into a million o hatoms He
tumbled in at last however and avay ve vent and I rayther think I say I
rayther think Samivel that he found hisself a little jolted wen ve turned the
corners«
»Wot I spose you happened to drive up agin a post or two« said Sam
»Im afeerd« replied Mr Weller in a rapture of winks »Im afeerd I took
vun or two on em Sammy he wos a flyin out o the harmcheer all the way«
Here the old gentleman shook his head from side to side and was seized with
a hoarse internal rumbling accompanied with a violent swelling of the
countenance and a sudden increase in the breadth of all his features symptoms
which alarmed his son not a little
»Dont be frightened Sammy dont be frightened« said the old gentleman
when by dint of much struggling and various convulsive stamps upon the ground
he had recovered his voice »Its only a kind o quiet laugh as Im a tryin to
come Sammy«
»Well if thats wot it is« said Sam »youd better not try to come it
agin Youll find it rayther a dangerous inwention«
»Dont you like it Sammy« inquired the old gentleman
»Not at all« replied Sam
»Well« said Mr Weller with the tears still running down his cheeks »it
ud ha been a wery great accommodation to me if I could ha done it and ud
ha saved a good many vords atween your motherinlaw and me sometimes but I
am afeerd youre right Sammy its too much in the appleplexy line a deal
too much Samivel«
This conversation brought them to the door of the snuggery into which Sam
pausing for an instant to look over his shoulder and cast a sly leer at his
respected progenitor who was still giggling behind at once led the way
»Motherinlaw« said Sam politely saluting the lady »wery much obliged to
you for this here wisit Shepherd how air you«
»Oh Samuel« said Mrs Weller »This is dreadful«
»Not a bit on it mum« replied Sam »Is it shepherd«
Mr Stiggins raised his hands and turned up his eyes till the whites or
rather the yellows were alone visible but made no reply in words
»Is this here genlmn troubled vith any painful complaint« said Sam
looking to his motherinlaw for explanation
»The good man is grieved to see you here Samuel« replied Mrs Weller
»Oh thats it is it« said Sam »I was afeerd from his manner that he
might ha forgotten to take pepper vith that ere last cowcumber he eat Set
down sir ve make no extra charge for the settin down as the king remarked
wen he blowed up his ministers«
»Young man« said Mr Stiggins ostentatiously »I fear you are not softened
by imprisonment«
»Beg your pardon sir« replied Sam »wot wos you graciously pleased to
hobserve«
»I apprehend young man that your nature is no softer for this chastening«
said Mr Stiggins in a loud voice
»Sir« replied Sam »youre wery kind to say so I hope my natur is not a
soft vun sir Wery much obliged to you for your good opinion sir«
At this point of the conversation a sound indecorously approaching to a
laugh was heard to proceed from the chair in which the elder Mr Weller was
seated upon which Mrs Weller on a hasty consideration of all the
circumstances of the case considered it her bounden duty to become gradually
hysterical
»Weller« said Mrs W the old gentleman was seated in a corner »Weller
Come forth«
»Wery much obleeged to you my dear« replied Mr Weller »but Im quite
comfortable vere I am«
Upon this Mrs Weller burst into tears
»Wots gone wrong mum« said Sam
»Oh Samuel« replied Mrs Weller »your father makes me wretched Will
nothing do him good«
»Do you hear this here« said Sam »Lady wants to know vether nothin ull
do you good«
»Wery much indebted to Mrs Weller for her polite inquiries Sammy«
replied the old gentleman »I think a pipe vould benefit me a good deal Could I
be accommodated Sammy«
Here Mrs Weller let fall some more tears and Mr Stiggins groaned
»Hallo Heres this unfortnate genlmn took ill agin« said Sam looking
round »Were do you feel it now sir«
»In the same place young man« rejoined Mr Stiggins »in the same place«
»Were may that be sir« inquired Sam with great outward simplicity
»In the buzzim young man« replied Mr Stiggins placing his umbrella on
his waistcoat
At this affecting reply Mrs Weller being wholly unable to suppress her
feelings sobbed aloud and stated her conviction that the rednosed man was a
saint whereupon Mr Weller senior ventured to suggest in an undertone that
he must be the representative of the united parishes of Saint Simon Without and
Saint Walker Within
»Im afeerd mum« said Sam »that this here genlmn with the twist in
his countenance feels rayther thirsty with the melancholy spectacle afore him
Is it the case mum«
The worthy lady looked at Mr Stiggins for a reply that gentleman with
many rollings of the eye clenched his throat with his right hand and mimicked
the act of swallowing to intimate that he was athirst
»I am afraid Samuel that his feelings have made him so indeed« said Mrs
Weller mournfully
»Wots your usual tap sir« replied Sam
»Oh my dear young friend« replied Mr Stiggins »all taps is vanities«
»Too true too true indeed« said Mrs Weller murmuring a groan and
shaking her head assentingly
»Well« said Sam »I dessay they may be sir but which is your partickler
wanity Vich wanity do you like the flavour on best sir«
»Oh my dear young friend« replied Mr Stiggins »I despise them all If«
said Mr Stiggins »if there is any one of them less odious than another it is
the liquor called rum Warm my dear young friend with three lumps of sugar to
the tumbler«
»Wery sorry to say sir« said Sam »that they dont allow that particular
wanity to be sold in this here establishment«
»Oh the hardness of heart of these inveterate men« ejaculated Mr
Stiggins »Oh the accursed cruelty of these inhuman persecutors«
With these words Mr Stiggins again cast up his eyes and rapped his breast
with his umbrella and it is but justice to the reverend gentleman to say that
his indignation appeared very real and unfeigned indeed
After Mrs Weller and the rednosed gentleman had commented on this inhuman
usage in a very forcible manner and had vented a variety of pious and holy
execrations against its authors the latter recommended a bottle of port wine
warmed with a little water spice and sugar as being grateful to the stomach
and savouring less of vanity than many other compounds It was accordingly
ordered to be prepared Pending its preparation the rednosed man and Mrs
Weller looked at the elder W and groaned
»Well Sammy« said that gentleman »I hope youll find your spirits rose by
this here lively wisit Wery cheerful and improvin conwersation aint it
Sammy«
»Youre a reprobate« replied Sam »and I desire you wont address no more
o them ungraceful remarks to me«
So far from being edified by this very proper reply the elder Mr Weller at
once relapsed into a broad grin and this inexorable conduct causing the lady
and Mr Stiggins to close their eyes and rock themselves to and fro on their
chairs in a troubled manner he furthermore indulged in several acts of
pantomime indicative of a desire to pummel and wring the nose of the aforesaid
Stiggins the performance of which appeared to afford him great mental relief
The old gentleman very narrowly escaped detection in one instance for Mr
Stiggins happening to give a start on the arrival of the negus brought his head
in smart contact with the clenched fist with which Mr Weller had been
describing imaginary fireworks in the air within two inches of his ear for
some minutes
»Wot are you a reachin out your hand for the tumbler in that ere sawage
way for« said Sam with great promptitude »Dont you see youve hit the
genlmn«
»I didnt go to do it Sammy« said Mr Weller in some degree abashed by
the very unexpected occurrence of the incident
»Try an inard application sir« said Sam as the rednosed gentleman
rubbed his head with a rueful visage »Wot do you think o that for a go o
wanity warm sir«
Mr Stiggins made no verbal answer but his manner was expressive He tasted
the contents of the glass which Sam had placed in his hand put his umbrella on
the floor and tasted it again passing his hand placidly across his stomach
twice or thrice he then drank the whole at a breath and smacking his lips
held out the tumbler for more
Nor was Mrs Weller behindhand in doing justice to the composition The
good lady began by protesting that she couldnt touch a drop then took a small
drop then a large drop then a great many drops and her feelings being of
the nature of those substances which are powerfully affected by the application
of strong waters she dropped a tear with every drop of negus and so got on
melting the feelings down until at length she had arrived at a very pathetic
and decent pitch of misery
The elder Mr Weller observed these signs and tokens with many
manifestations of disgust and when after a second jug of the same Mr
Stiggins began to sigh in a dismal manner he plainly evinced his disapprobation
of the whole proceedings by sundry incoherent ramblings of speech among which
frequent angry repetitions of the word gammon were alone distinguishable to the
ear
»Ill tell you wot it is Samivel my boy« whispered the old gentleman into
his sons ear after a long and steadfast contemplation of his lady and Mr
Stiggins »I think there must be somethin wrong in your motherinlaws inside
as vell as in that o the rednosed man«
»Wot do you mean« said Sam
»I mean this here Sammy« replied the old gentleman »that wot they drink
dont seem no nourishment to em it all turns to warm water and comes a
pourin out o their eyes Pend upon it Sammy its a constitootional
infirmity«
Mr Weller delivered this scientific opinion with many confirmatory frowns
and nods which Mrs Weller remarking and concluding that they bore some
disparaging reference either to herself or to Mr Stiggins or to both was on
the point of becoming infinitely worse when Mr Stiggins getting on his legs
as well as he could proceeded to deliver an edifying discourse for the benefit
of the company but more especially of Mr Samuel whom he adjured in moving
terms to be upon his guard in that sink of iniquity into which he was cast to
abstain from all hypocrisy and pride of heart and to take in all things exact
pattern and copy by him Stiggins in which case he might calculate on
arriving sooner or later at the comfortable conclusion that like him he was
a most estimable and blameless character and that all his acquaintance and
friends were hopelessly abandoned and profligate wretches Which consideration
he said could not but afford him the liveliest satisfaction
He furthermore conjured him to avoid above all things the vice of
intoxication which he likened unto the filthy habits of swine and to those
poisonous and baleful drugs which being chewed in the mouth are said to filch
away the memory At this point of his discourse the reverend and rednosed
gentleman became singularly incoherent and staggering to and fro in the
excitement of his eloquence was fain to catch at the back of a chair to
preserve his perpendicular
Mr Stiggins did not desire his hearers to be upon their guard against those
false prophets and wretched mockers of religion who without sense to expound
its first doctrines or hearts to feel its first principles are more dangerous
members of society than the common criminal imposing as they necessarily do
upon the weakest and worst informed casting scorn and contempt on what should
be held most sacred and bringing into partial disrepute large bodies of
virtuous and wellconducted persons of many excellent sects and persuasions But
as he leant over the back of the chair for a considerable time and closing one
eye winked a good deal with the other it is presumed that he thought all this
but kept it to himself
During the delivery of the oration Mrs Weller sobbed and wept at the end
of the paragraphs while Sam sitting crosslegged on a chair and resting his
arms on the toprail regarded the speaker with great suavity and blandness of
demeanour occasionally bestowing a look of recognition on the old gentleman
who was delighted at the beginning and went to sleep about halfway
»Brayvo wery pretty« said Sam when the rednosed man having finished
pulled his worn gloves on thereby thrusting his fingers through the broken tops
till the knuckles were disclosed to view »Wery pretty«
»I hope it may do you good Samuel« said Mrs Weller solemnly
»I think it vill mum« replied Sam
»I wish I could hope that it would do your father good« said Mrs Weller
»Thankee my dear« said Mr Weller senior »How do you find yourself arter
it my love«
»Scoffer« exclaimed Mrs Weller
»Benighted man« said the reverend Mr Stiggins
»If I dont get no better light than that ere moonshine o yourn my worthy
creetur« said the elder Mr Weller »its wery likely as I shall continey to be
a night coach till Im took off the road altogether Now Mrs We if the
piebald stands at livery much longer hell stand at nothin as we go back and
praps that ere harm cheer ull be tipped over into some hedge or another with
the shepherd in it«
At this supposition the reverend Mr Stiggins in evident consternation
gathered up his hat and umbrella and proposed an immediate departure to which
Mrs Weller assented Sam walked with them to the lodgegate and took a dutiful
leave
»Ado Samivel« said the old gentleman
»Wots ado« inquired Sammy
»Well goodbye then« said the old gentleman
»Oh thats wot youre a aimin at is it« said Sam »Goodbye«
»Sammy« whispered Mr Weller looking cautiously round »my duty to your
govner and tell him if he thinks better o this here bisness to commoonicate
vith me Me and a cabnetmaker has dewised a plan for gettin him out A
pianner Samivel a pianner« said Mr Weller striking his son on the chest
with the back of his hand and falling back a step or two
»Wot do you mean« said Sam
»A pianner forty Samivel« rejoined Mr Weller in a still more mysterious
manner »as he can have on hire vun as vont play Sammy«
»And wot ud be the good o that« said Sam
»Let him send to my friend the cabnetmaker to fetch it back Sammy«
replied Mr Weller »Are you avake now«
»No« rejoined Sam
»There aint no vurks in it« whispered his father »It ull hold him easy
vith his hat and shoes on and breathe through the legs vich his holler Have a
passage ready taken for Merriker The Merrikin govment will never give him
up ven they find as hes got money to spend Sammy Let the govner stop there
till Mrs Bardells dead or Mr Dodson and Foggs hung wich last ewent I think
is the most likely to happen first Sammy and then let him come back and write
a book about the Merrikins asll pay all his expenses and more if he blows em
up enough«
Mr Weller delivered this hurried abstract of his plot with great vehemence
of whisper then as if fearful of weakening the effect of the tremendous
communication by any further dialogue he gave the coachmans salute and
vanished
Sam had scarcely recovered his usual composure of countenance which had
been greatly disturbed by the secret communication of his respected relative
when Mr Pickwick accosted him
»Sam« said that gentleman
»Sir« replied Mr Weller
»I am going for a walk round the prison and I wish you to attend me I see
a prisoner we know coming this way Sam« said Mr Pickwick smiling
»Wich sir« inquired Mr Weller »the genlmn vith the head o hair or
the interestin captive in the stockins«
»Neither« rejoined Mr Pickwick »He is an older friend of yours Sam«
»O mine sir« exclaimed Mr Weller
»You recollect the gentleman very well I dare say Sam« replied Mr
Pickwick »or else you are more unmindful of your old acquaintances than I think
you are Hush not a word Sam not a syllable Here he is«
As Mr Pickwick spoke Jingle walked up He looked less miserable than
before being clad in a halfworn suit of clothes which with Mr Pickwicks
assistance had been released from the pawnbrokers He wore clean linen too
and had had his hair cut He was very pale and thin however and as he crept
slowly up leaning on a stick it was easy to see that he had suffered severely
from illness and want and was still very weak He took off his hat as Mr
Pickwick saluted him and seemed much humbled and abashed at sight of Sam
Weller
Following close at his heels came Mr Job Trotter in the catalogue of
whose vices want of faith and attachment to his companion could at all events
find no place He was still ragged and squalid but his face was not quite so
hollow as on his first meeting with Mr Pickwick a few days before As he took
off his hat to our benevolent old friend he murmured some broken expressions of
gratitude and muttered something about having been saved from starving
»Well well« said Mr Pickwick impatiently interrupting him »you can
follow with Sam I want to speak to you Mr Jingle Can you walk without his
arm«
»Certainly sir all ready not too fast legs shaky head queer round
and round earthquaky sort of feeling very«
»Here give me your arm« said Mr Pickwick
»No no« replied Jingle »wont indeed rather not«
»Nonsense« said Mr Pickwick »lean upon me I desire sir«
Seeing that he was confused and agitated and uncertain what to do Mr
Pickwick cut the matter short by drawing the invalided strollers arm through
his and leading him away without saying another word about it
During the whole of this time the countenance of Mr Samuel Weller had
exhibited an expression of the most overwhelming and absorbing astonishment that
the imagination can portray After looking from Job to Jingle and from Jingle
to Job in profound silence he softly ejaculated the words »Well I am damnd«
Which he repeated at least a score of times after which exertion he appeared
wholly bereft of speech and again cast his eyes first upon the one and then
upon the other in mute perplexity and bewilderment
»Now Sam« said Mr Pickwick looking back
»Im a comin sir« replied Mr Weller mechanically following his master
and still he lifted not his eyes from Mr Job Trotter who walked at his side
in silence
Job kept his eyes fixed on the ground for some time Sam with his glued to
Jobs countenance ran up against the people who were walking about and fell
over little children and stumbled against steps and railings without appearing
at all sensible of it until Job looking stealthily up said
»How do you do Mr Weller«
»It is him« exclaimed Sam and having established Jobs identity beyond all
doubt he smote his leg and vented his feelings in a long shrill whistle
»Things has altered with me sir« said Job
»I should think they had« exclaimed Mr Weller surveying his companions
rags with undisguised wonder »This is rayther a change for the worse Mr
Trotter as the genlmn said wen he got two doubtful shillins and
sixpennorth o pocket pieces for a good halfcrown«
»It is indeed« replied Job shaking his head »There is no deception now
Mr Weller Tears« said Job with a look of momentary slyness »tears are not
the only proofs of distress nor the best ones«
»No they aint« replied Sam expressively
»They may be put on Mr Weller« said Job
»I know they may« said Sam »some people indeed has em always ready laid
on and can pull out the plug wenever they likes«
»Yes« replied Job »but these sort of things are not so easily
counterfeited Mr Weller and it is a more painful process to get them up« As
he spoke he pointed to his sallow sunken cheeks and drawing up his coat
sleeves disclosed an arm which looked as if the bone could be broken at a
touch so sharp and brittle did it appear beneath its thin covering of flesh
»Wot have you been a doin to yourself« said Sam recoiling
»Nothing« replied Job
»Nothin« echoed Sam
»I have been doin nothing for many weeks past« said Job »and eating and
drinking almost as little«
Sam took one comprehensive glance at Mr Trotters thin face and wretched
apparel and then seizing him by the arm commenced dragging him away with
great violence
»Where are you going Mr Weller« said Job vainly struggling in the
powerful grasp of his old enemy
»Come on« said Sam »come on« He deigned no further explanation until they
reached the tap and then called for a pot of porter which was speedily
produced
»Now« said Sam »drink that up evry drop on it and then turn the pot
upside down to let me see as youve took the medcine«
»But my dear Mr Weller« remonstrated Job
»Down vith it« said Sam peremptorily
Thus admonished Mr Trotter raised the pot to his lips and by gentle and
almost imperceptible degrees tilted it into the air He paused once and only
once to draw a long breath but without raising his face from the vessel
which in a few moments thereafter he held out at arms length bottom upward
Nothing fell upon the ground but a few particles of froth which slowly detached
themselves from the rim and trickled lazily down
»Well done« said Sam »How do you find yourself arter it«
»Better sir I think I am better« responded Job
»O course you air« said Sam argumentatively »Its like puttin gas in a
balloon I can see with the naked eye that you gets stouter under the operation
Wot do you say to another o the same dimensions«
»I would rather not I am much obliged to you sir« replied Job »much
rather not«
»Vell then wot do you say to some wittles« inquired Sam
»Thanks to your worthy governor sir« said Mr Trotter »we have half a leg
of mutton baked at a quarter before three with the potatoes under it to save
boiling«
»Wot Has he been a purwidin for you« asked Sam emphatically
»He has sir« replied Job »More than that Mr Weller my master being
very ill he got us a room we were in a kennel before and paid for it sir
and come to look at us at night when nobody should know Mr Weller« said
Job with real tears in his eyes for once »I could serve that gentleman till I
fell down dead at his feet«
»I say« said Sam »Ill trouble you my friend None o that«
Job Trotter looked amazed
»None o that I say young feller« repeated Sam firmly »No man serves
him but me And now were upon it Ill let you into another secret besides
that« said Sam as he paid for the beer »I never heerd mind you nor read of
in storybooks nor see in picters any angel in tights and gaiters not even
in spectacles as I remember though that may ha been done for anythin I know
to the contrairey but mark my vords Job Trotter hes a reglar thoroughbred
angel for all that and let me see the man as wenturs to tell me he knows a
better vun« With this defiance Mr Weller buttoned up his change in a side
pocket and with many confirmatory nods and gestures by the way proceeded in
search of the subject of discourse
They found Mr Pickwick in company with Jingle talking very earnestly and
not bestowing a look on the groups who were congregated on the racketground
they were very motley groups too and worth the looking at if it were only in
idle curiosity
»Well« said Mr Pickwick as Sam and his companion drew nigh »you will see
how your health becomes and think about it meanwhile Make the statement out
for me when you feel yourself equal to the task and I will discuss the subject
with you when I have considered it Now go to your room You are tired and not
strong enough to be out long«
Mr Alfred Jingle without one spark of his old animation with nothing
even of the dismal gaiety which he had assumed when Mr Pickwick first stumbled
on him in his misery bowed low without speaking and motioning to Job not to
follow him just yet crept slowly away
»Curious scene this is it not Sam« said Mr Pickwick looking
goodhumouredly round
»Wery much so sir« replied Sam »Wonders ull never cease« added Sam
speaking to himself »Im wery much mistaken if that ere Jingle wornt a doin
somethin in the watercart way«
The area formed by the wall in that part of the Fleet in which Mr Pickwick
stood was just wide enough to make a good racket court one side being formed
of course by the wall itself and the other by that portion of the prison which
looked or rather would have looked but for the wall towards St Pauls
Cathedral Sauntering or sitting about in every possible attitude of listless
idleness were a great number of debtors the major part of whom were waiting in
prison until their day of going up before the Insolvent Court should arrive
while others had been remanded for various terms which they were idling away
as they best could Some were shabby some were smart many dirty a few clean
but there they all lounged and loitered and slunk about with as little spirit
or purpose as the beasts in a menagerie
Lolling from the windows which commanded a view of this promenade were a
number of persons some in noisy conversation with their acquaintance below
others playing at ball with some adventurous throwers outside others looking on
at the racketplayers or watching the boys as they cried the game Dirty
slipshod women passed and repassed on their way to the cookinghouse in one
corner of the yard children screamed and fought and played together in
another the tumbling of the skittles and the shouts of the players mingled
perpetually with these and a hundred other sounds and all was noise and tumult
save in a little miserable shed a few yards off where lay all quiet and
ghastly the body of the Chancery prisoner who had died the night before
awaiting the mockery of an inquest The body It is the lawyers term for the
restless whirling mass of cares and anxieties affections hopes and griefs
that make up the living man The law had his body and there it lay clothed in
grave clothes an awful witness to its tender mercy
»Would you like to see a whistlingshop sir« inquired Job Trotter
»What do you mean« was Mr Pickwicks counter inquiry
»A vistlin shop sir« interposed Mr Weller
»What is that Sam A birdfanciers« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Bless your heart no sir« replied Job »a whistlingshop sir is where
they sell spirits« Mr Job Trotter briefly explained here that all persons
being prohibited under heavy penalties from conveying spirits into debtors
prisons and such commodities being highly prized by the ladies and gentlemen
confined therein it had occurred to some speculative turnkey to connive for
certain lucrative considerations at two or three prisoners retailing the
favourite article of gin for their own profit and advantage
»This plan you see sir has been gradually introduced into all the prisons
for debt« said Mr Trotter
»And it has this wery great advantage« said Sam »that the turnkeys takes
wery good care to seize hold o evry body but them as pays em that attempts
the willainy and wen it gets in the papers theyre applauded for their
wigilance so it cuts two ways frightens other people from the trade and
elewates their own characters«
»Exactly so Mr Weller« observed Job
»Well but are these rooms never searched to ascertain whether any spirits
are concealed in them« said Mr Pickwick
»Certnly they are sir« replied Sam »but the turnkeys knows beforehand
and gives the word to the wistlers and you may wistle for it wen you go to
look«
By this time Job had tapped at a door which was opened by a gentleman with
an uncombed head who bolted it after them when they had walked in and grinned
upon which Job grinned and Sam also whereupon Mr Pickwick thinking it might
be expected of him kept on smiling to the end of the interview
The gentleman with the uncombed head appeared quite satisfied with this mute
announcement of their business arid producing a flat stone bottle which might
hold about a couple of quarts from beneath his bedstead filled out three
glasses of gin which Job Trotter and Sam disposed of in a most workmanlike
manner
»Any more« said the whistling gentleman
»No more« replied Job Trotter
Mr Pickwick paid the door was unbolted and out they came the uncombed
gentleman bestowing a friendly nod upon Mr Roker who happened to be passing at
the moment
From this spot Mr Pickwick wandered along all the galleries up and down
all the staircases and once again round the whole area of the yard The great
body of the prison population appeared to be Mivins and Smangle and the
parson and the butcher and the leg over and over and over again There were
the same squalor the same turmoil and noise the same general characteristics
in every corner in the best and the worst alike The whole place seemed
restless and troubled and the people were crowding and flitting to and fro
like the shadows in an uneasy dream
»I have seen enough« said Mr Pickwick as he threw himself into a chair in
his little apartment »My head aches with these scenes and my heart too
Henceforth I will be a prisoner in my own room«
And Mr Pickwick steadfastly adhered to this determination For three long
months he remained shut up all day only stealing out at night to breathe the
air when the greater part of his fellow prisoners were in bed or carousing in
their rooms His health was beginning to suffer from the closeness of the
confinement but neither the oftenrepeated entreaties of Perker and his
friends nor the still more frequentlyrepeated warnings and admonitions of Mr
Samuel Weller could induce him to alter one jot of his inflexible resolution
Chapter XLVI
Records a Touching Act of Delicate Feeling Not Unmixed with Pleasantry
Achieved and Performed by Messrs Dodson and Fogg
It was within a week of the close of the month of July that a hackney
cabriolet number unrecorded was seen to proceed at a rapid pace up Goswell
Street three people were squeezed into it besides the driver who sat in his
own particular little dickey at the side over the apron were hung two shawls
belonging to two small vixenishlooking ladies under the apron between whom
compressed into a very small compass was stowed away a gentleman of heavy and
subdued demeanour who whenever he ventured to make an observation was snapped
up short by one of the vixenish ladies beforementioned Lastly the two
vixenish ladies and the heavy gentleman were giving the driver contradictory
directions all tending to the one point that he should stop at Mrs Bardells
door which the heavy gentleman in direct opposition to and defiance of the
vixenish ladies contended was a green door and not a yellow one
»Stop at the house with the green door driver« said the heavy gentleman
»Oh You perwerse creetur« exclaimed one of the vixenish ladies »Drive to
the ouse with the yellow door cabmin«
Upon this the cabman who in a sudden effort to pull up at the house with
the green door had pulled the horse up so high that he nearly pulled him
backward into the cabriolet let the animals fore legs down to the ground
again and paused
»Now vere am I to pull up« inquired the driver »Settle it among
yourselves All I ask is vere«
Here the contest was renewed with increased violence and the horse being
troubled with a fly on his nose the cabman humanely employed his leisure in
lashing him about the head on the counterirritation principle
»Most wotes carries the day« said one of the vixenish ladies at length
»The ouse with the yellow door cabmin«
But after the cabriolet had dashed up in splendid style to the house with
the yellow door »making« as one of the vixenish ladies triumphantly said
»acterrally more noise than if one had come in ones own carriage« and after
the driver had dismounted to assist the ladies in getting out the small round
head of Master Thomas Bardell was thrust out of the one pair window of a house
with a red door a few numbers off
»Aggrawatin thing« said the vixenish lady last mentioned darting a
withering glance at the heavy gentleman
»My dear its not my fault« said the gentleman
»Dont talk to me you creetur dont« retorted the lady »The house with
the red door cabmin Oh If ever a woman was troubled with a ruffinly creetur
that takes a pride and a pleasure in disgracing his wife on every possible
occasion afore strangers I am that woman«
»You ought to be ashamed of yourself Raddle« said the other little woman
who was no other than Mrs Cluppins
»What have I been a doing of« asked Mr Raddle
»Dont talk to me dont you brute for fear I should be perwoked to forgit
my sect and strike you« said Mrs Raddle
While this dialogue was going on the driver was most ignominiously leading
the horse by the bridle up to the house with the red door which Master
Bardell had already opened Here was a mean and low way of arriving at a
friends house No dashing up with all the fire and fury of the animal no
jumping down of the driver no loud knocking at the door no opening of the
apron with a crash at the very last moment for fear of the ladies sitting in a
draught and then the man handing the shawls out afterwards as if he were a
private coachman The whole edge of the thing had been taken off it was flatter
than walking
»Well Tommy« said Mrs Cluppins »Hows your poor dear mother«
»Oh shes very well« replied Master Bardell »Shes in the front parlour
all ready Im ready too I am« Here Master Bardell put his hands in his
pockets and jumped off and on the bottom step of the door
»Is anybody else a goin Tommy« said Mrs Cluppins arranging her
pelerine
»Mrs Sanders is going she is« replied Tommy »Im going too I am«
»Drat the boy« said little Mrs Cluppins »He thinks of nobody but himself
Here Tommy dear«
»Well« said Master Bardell
»Who else is a goin lovey« said Mrs Cluppins in an insinuating manner
»Oh Mrs Rogers is a goin« replied Master Bardell opening his eyes very
wide as he delivered the intelligence
»What The lady as has taken the lodgings« ejaculated Mrs Cluppins
Master Bardell put his hands deeper down into his pockets and nodded
exactly thirtyfive times to imply that it was the lady lodger and no other
»Bless us« said Mrs Cluppins »Its quite a party«
»Ah if you knew what was in the cupboard youd say so« replied Master
Bardell
»What is there Tommy« said Mrs Cluppins coaxingly »Youll tell me
Tommy I know«
»No I wont« replied Master Bardell shaking his head and applying
himself to the bottom step again
»Drat the child« muttered Mrs Cluppins »What a prowokin little wretch it
is Come Tommy tell your dear Cluppy«
»Mother said I wasnt to« rejoined Master Bardell »Im a goin to have
some I am« Cheered by this prospect the precocious boy applied himself to his
infantile treadmill with increased vigour
The above examination of a child of tender years took place while Mr and
Mrs Raddle and the cabdriver were having an altercation concerning the fare
which terminating at this point in favour of the cabman Mrs Raddle came up
tottering
»Lauk Mary Ann whats the matter« said Mrs Cluppins
»Its put me all over in such a tremble Betsy« replied Mrs Raddle
»Raddle aint like a man he leaves everythink to me«
This was scarcely fair upon the unfortunate Mr Raddle who had been thrust
aside by his good lady in the commencement of the dispute and peremptorily
commanded to hold his tongue He had no opportunity of defending himself
however for Mrs Raddle gave unequivocal signs of fainting which being
perceived from the parlour window Mrs Bardell Mrs Sanders the lodger and
the lodgers servant darted precipitately out and conveyed her into the house
all talking at the same time and giving utterance to various expressions of
pity and condolence as if she were one of the most suffering mortals on earth
Being conveyed into the front parlour she was there deposited on a sofa and
the lady from the first floor running up to the first floor returned with a
bottle of sal volatile which holding Mrs Raddle tight round the neck she
applied in all womanly kindness and pity to her nose until that lady with many
plunges and struggles was fain to declare herself decidedly better
»Ah poor thing« said Mrs Rogers »I know what her feelins is too well«
»Ah poor thing so do I« said Mrs Sanders and then all the ladies moaned
in unison and said they knew what it was and they pitied her from their
hearts they did Even the lodgers little servant who was thirteen years old
and three feet high murmured her sympathy
»But whats been the matter« said Mrs Bardell
»Ah what has decomposed you maam« inquired Mrs Rogers
»I have been a good deal flurried« replied Mrs Raddle in a reproachful
manner Thereupon the ladies cast indignant looks at Mr Raddle
»Why the fact is« said that unhappy gentleman stepping forward »when we
alighted at this door a dispute arose with the driver of the cabrioily « A
loud scream from his wife at the mention of this word rendered all further
explanation inaudible
»Youd better leave us to bring her round Raddle« said Mrs Cluppins
»Shell never get better as long as youre here«
All the ladies concurred in this opinion so Mr Raddle was pushed out of
the room and requested to give himself an airing in the back yard Which he did
for about a quarter of an hour when Mrs Bardell announced to him with a solemn
face that he might come in now but that he must be very careful how he behaved
towards his wife She knew he didnt mean to be unkind but Mary Ann was very
far from strong and if he didnt take care he might lose her when he least
expected it which would be a very dreadful reflection for him afterwards and
so on All this Mr Raddle heard with great submission and presently returned
to the parlour in a most lamblike manner
»Why Mrs Rogers maam« said Mrs Bardell »youve never been introduced
I declare Mr Raddle maam Mrs Cluppins maam Mrs Raddle maam«
»Which is Mrs Cluppinss sister« suggested Mrs Sanders
»Oh indeed« said Mrs Rogers graciously for she was the lodger and her
servant was in waiting so she was more gracious than intimate in right of her
position »Oh indeed«
Mrs Raddle smiled sweetly Mr Raddle bowed and Mrs Cluppins said »she
was sure she was very happy to have a opportunity of being known to a lady which
she had heerd so much in favour of as Mrs Rogers« A compliment which the
lastnamed lady acknowledged with graceful condescension
»Well Mr Raddle« said Mrs Bardell »Im sure you ought to feel very much
honoured at you and Tommy being the only gentlemen to escort so many ladies all
the way to the Spaniards at Hampstead Dont you think he ought Mrs Rogers
maam«
»Oh certainly maam« replied Mrs Rogers after whom all the other ladies
responded »Oh certainly«
»Of course I feel it maam« said Mr Raddle rubbing his hands and
evincing a slight tendency to brighten up a little »Indeed to tell you the
truth I said as we was a coming along in the cabrioily «
At the recapitulation of the word which awakened so many painful
recollections Mrs Raddle applied her handkerchief to her eyes again and
uttered a half scream so Mrs Bardell frowned upon Mr Raddle to intimate
that he had better not say anything more and desired Mrs Rogerss servant
with an air to put the wine on
This was the signal for displaying the hidden treasures of the closet which
comprised sundry plates of oranges and biscuits and a bottle of old crusted
port that at one and nine with another of the celebrated East India sherry
at fourteenpence which were all produced in honour of the lodger and afforded
unlimited satisfaction to everybody After great consternation had been excited
in the mind of Mrs Cluppins by an attempt on the part of Tommy to recount how
he had been crossexamined regarding the cupboard then in action which was
fortunately nipped in the bud by his imbibing half a glass of the old crusted
the wrong way and thereby endangering his life for some seconds the party
walked forth in quest of a Hampstead stage This was soon found and in a
couple of hours they all arrived safely in the Spaniards Teagardens where the
luckless Mr Raddles very first act nearly occasioned his good lady a relapse
it being neither more nor less than to order tea for seven whereas as the
ladies one and all remarked what could have been easier than for Tommy to have
drank out of anybodys cup or everybodys if that was all when the waiter
wasnt looking which would have saved one head of tea and the tea just as
good
However there was no help for it and the teatray came with seven cups
and saucers and bread and butter on the same scale Mrs Bardell was
unanimously voted into the chair and Mrs Rogers being stationed on her right
hand and Mrs Raddle on her left the meal proceeded with great merriment and
success
»How sweet the country is tobesure« sighed Mrs Rogers »I almost wish I
lived in it always«
»Oh you wouldnt like that maam« replied Mrs Bardell rather hastily
for it was not at all advisable with reference to the lodgings to encourage
such notions »you wouldnt like it maam«
»Oh I should think you was a deal too lively and soughtafter to be
content with the country maam« said little Mrs Cluppins
»Perhaps I am maam Perhaps I am« sighed the firstfloor lodger
»For lone people as have got nobody to care for them or take care of them
or as have been hurt in their mind or that kind of thing« observed Mr Raddle
plucking up a little cheerfulness and looking round »the country is all very
well The country for a wounded spirit they say«
Now of all things in the world that the unfortunate man could have said
any would have been preferable to this Of course Mrs Bardell burst into tears
and requested to be led from the table instantly upon which the affectionate
child began to cry too most dismally
»Would anybody believe maam« exclaimed Mrs Raddle turning fiercely to
the firstfloor lodger »that a woman could be married to such a unmanly
creetur which can tamper with a womans feelings as he does every hour in the
day maam«
»My dear« remonstrated Mr Raddle »I didnt mean anything my dear«
»You didnt mean« repeated Mrs Raddle with great scorn and contempt »Go
away I cant bear the sight on you you brute«
»You must not flurry yourself Mary Ann« interposed Mrs Cluppins »You
really must consider yourself my dear which you never do Now go away Raddle
theres a good soul or youll only aggravate her«
»You had better take your tea by yourself sir indeed« said Mrs Rogers
again applying the smellingbottle
Mrs Sanders who according to custom was very busy with the bread and
butter expressed the same opinion and Mr Raddle quietly retired
After this there was a great hoisting up of Master Bardell who was rather
a large size for hugging into his mothers arms in which operation he got his
boots in the teaboard and occasioned some confusion among the cups and
saucers But that description of fainting fits which is contagious among
ladies seldom lasts long so when he had been well kissed and a little cried
over Mrs Bardell recovered set him down again wondered how she could have
been so foolish and poured out some more tea
It was at this moment that the sound of approaching wheels was heard and
that the ladies looking up saw a hackneycoach stop at the gardengate
»More company« said Mrs Sanders
»Its a gentleman« said Mrs Raddle
»Well if it aint Mr Jackson the young man from Dodson and Foggs« cried
Mrs Bardell »Why gracious Surely Mr Pickwick cant have paid the damages«
»Or hoffered marriage« said Mrs Cluppins
»Dear me how slow the gentleman is« exclaimed Mrs Rogers »Why doesnt he
make haste«
As the lady spoke these words Mr Jackson turned from the coach where he
had been addressing some observations to a shabby man in black leggings who had
just emerged from the vehicle with a thick ash stick in his hand and made his
way to the place where the ladies were seated winding his hair round the brim
of his hat as he came along
»Is anything the matter Has anything taken place Mr Jackson« said Mrs
Bardell eagerly
»Nothing whatever maam« replied Mr Jackson »How de do ladies I have
to ask pardon ladies for intruding but the law ladies the law« With this
apology Mr Jackson smiled made a comprehensive bow and gave his hair another
wind Mrs Rogers whispered Mrs Raddle that he was really a elegant young man
»I called in Goswell Street« resumed Jackson »and hearing that you were
here from the slavey took a coach and came on Our people want you down in the
city directly Mrs Bardell«
»Lor« ejaculated that lady starting at the sudden nature of the
communication
»Yes« said Jackson biting his lip »Its very important and pressing
business which can't be postponed on any account Indeed Dodson expressly said
so to me and so did Fogg Ive kept the coach on purpose for you to go back
in«
»How very strange« exclaimed Mrs Bardell
The ladies agreed that it was very strange but were unanimously of opinion
that it must be very important or Dodson and Fogg would never have sent and
further that the business being urgent she ought to repair to Dodson and
Foggs without any delay
There was a certain degree of pride and importance about being wanted by
ones lawyers in such a monstrous hurry that was by no means displeasing to
Mrs Bardell especially as it might be reasonably supposed to enhance her
consequence in the eyes of the firstfloor lodger She simpered a little
affected extreme vexation and hesitation and at last arrived at the conclusion
that she supposed she must go
»But wont you refresh yourself after your walk Mr Jackson« said Mrs
Bardell persuasively
»Why really there aint much time to lose« replied Jackson »and Ive got
a friend here« he continued looking towards the man with the ash stick
»Oh ask your friend to come here sir« said Mrs Bardell »Pray ask your
friend here sir«
»Why thankee Id rather not« said Mr Jackson with some embarrassment of
manner »Hes not much used to ladies society and it makes him bashful If
youll order the waiter to deliver him anything short he wont drink it off at
once wont he only try him« Mr Jacksons fingers wandered playfully round
his nose at this portion of his discourse to warn his hearers that he was
speaking ironically
The waiter was at once despatched to the bashful gentleman and the bashful
gentleman took something Mr Jackson also took something and the ladies took
something for hospitalitys sake Mr Jackson then said he was afraid it was
time to go upon which Mrs Sanders Mrs Cluppins and Tommy who it was
arranged should accompany Mrs Bardell leaving the others to Mr Raddles
protection got into the coach
»Isaac« said Jackson as Mrs Bardell prepared to get in looking up at the
man with the ash stick who was seated on the box smoking a cigar
»Well«
»This is Mrs Bardell«
»Oh I knowd that long ago« said the man
Mrs Bardell got in Mr Jackson got in after her and away they drove Mrs
Bardell could not help ruminating on what Mr Jacksons friend had said Shrewd
creatures those lawyers Lord bless us how they find people out
»Sad thing about these costs of our peoples aint it« said Jackson when
Mrs Cluppins and Mrs Sanders had fallen asleep »your bill of costs I mean«
»Im very sorry they cant get them« replied Mrs Bardell »But if you
lawgentlemen do these things on speculation why you must get a loss now and
then you know«
»You gave them a cognovit for the amount of your costs after the trial Im
told« said Jackson
»Yes Just as a matter of form« replied Mrs Bardell
»Certainly« replied Jackson drily »Quite a matter of form Quite«
On they drove and Mrs Bardell fell asleep She was awakened after some
time by the stopping of the coach
»Bless us« said the lady »Are we at Freemans Court«
»Were not going quite so far« replied Jackson »Have the goodness to step
out«
Mrs Bardell not yet thoroughly awake complied It was a curious place a
large wall with a gate in the middle and a gaslight burning inside
»Now ladies« cried the man with the ash stick looking into the coach and
shaking Mrs Sanders to wake her »Come« Rousing her friend Mrs Sanders
alighted Mrs Bardell leaning on Jacksons arm and leading Tommy by the hand
had already entered the porch They followed
The room they turned into was even more oddlooking than the porch Such a
number of men standing about And they stared so
»What place is this« inquired Mrs Bardell pausing
»Only one of our public offices« replied Jackson hurrying her through a
door and looking round to see that the other women were following »Look sharp
Isaac«
»Safe and sound« replied the man with the ash stick The door swung heavily
after them and they descended a small flight of steps
»Here we are at last All right and tight Mrs Bardell« said Jackson
looking exultingly round
»What do you mean« said Mrs Bardell with a palpitating heart
»Just this« replied Jackson drawing her a little on one side »dont be
frightened Mrs Bardell There never was a more delicate man than Dodson
maam or a more humane man than Fogg It was their duty in the way of
business to take you in execution for them costs but they were anxious to
spare your feelings as much as they could What a comfort it must be to you to
think how its been done This is the Fleet maam Wish you good night Mrs
Bardell Good night Tommy«
As Jackson hurried away in company with the man with the ash stick another
man with a key in his hand who had been looking on led the bewildered female
to a second short flight of steps leading to a doorway Mrs Bardell screamed
violently Tommy roared Mrs Cluppins shrunk within herself and Mrs Sanders
made off without more ado For there stood the injured Mr Pickwick taking
his nightly allowance of air and beside him leant Samuel Weller who seeing
Mrs Bardell took his hat off with mock reverence while his master turned
indignantly on his heel
»Dont bother the woman« said the turnkey to Weller »shes just come in«
»A prisner« said Sam quickly replacing his hat »Whos the plaintives
What for Speak up old feller«
»Dodson and Fogg« replied the man »execution on cognovit for costs«
»Here Job Job« shouted Sam dashing into the passage »Run to Mr
Perkers Job I want him directly I see some good in this Heres a game
Hooray weres the govnor«
But there was no reply to these inquiries for Job had started furiously
off the instant he received his commission and Mrs Bardell had fainted in
real downright earnest
Chapter XLVII
Is Chiefly Devoted to Matters of Business and the Temporal Advantage of Dodson
and Fogg Mr Winkle ReAppears under Extraordinary Circumstances Mr
Pickwicks Benevolence Proves Stronger than His Obstinacy
Job Trotter abating nothing of his speed ran up Holborn sometimes in the
middle of the road sometimes on the pavement sometimes in the gutter as the
chances of getting along varied with the press of men women children and
coaches in each division of the thoroughfare regardless of all obstacles he
stopped not for an instant until he reached the gate of Grays Inn
Notwithstanding all the expedition he had used however the gate had been
closed a good half hour when he reached it and by the time he had discovered
Mr Perkers laundress who lived with a married daughter who had bestowed her
hand upon a nonresident waiter who occupied the onepair of some number in
some street closely adjoining to some brewery somewhere behind Grays Inn Lane
it was within fifteen minutes of closing the prison for the night Mr Lowten
had still to be ferreted out from the back parlour of the Magpie and Stump and
Job had scarcely accomplished this object and communicated Sam Wellers
message when the clock struck ten
»There« said Lowten »its too late now You cant get in tonight youve
got the key of the street my friend«
»Never mind me« replied Job »I can sleep anywhere But wont it be better
to see Mr Perker tonight so that we may be there the first thing in the
morning«
»Why« responded Lowten after a little consideration »if it was in anybody
elses case Perker wouldnt be best pleased at my going up to his house but as
its Mr Pickwicks I think I may venture to take a cab and charge it to the
office« Deciding on this line of conduct Mr Lowten took up his hat and
begging the assembled company to appoint a deputy chairman during his temporary
absence led the way to the nearest coachstand Summoning the cab of most
promising appearance he directed the driver to repair to Montague Place
Russell Square
Mr Perker had had a dinner party that day as was testified by the
appearance of lights in the drawingroom windows the sound of an improved grand
piano and an improvable cabinet voice issuing therefrom and a rather
overpowering smell of meat which pervaded the steps and entry In fact a couple
of very good country agencies happening to come up to town at the same time an
agreeable little party had been got together to meet them comprising Mr Snicks
the Life Office Secretary Mr Prosee the eminent counsel three solicitors one
commissioner of bankrupts a special pleader from the Temple a smalleyed
peremptory young gentleman his pupil who had written a lively book about the
law of demises with a vast quantity of marginal notes and references and
several other eminent and distinguished personages From this society little
Mr Perker detached himself on his clerk being announced in a whisper and
repairing to the diningroom there found Mr Lowten and Job Trotter looking
very dim and shadowy by the light of a kitchen candle which the gentleman who
condescended to appear in plush shorts and cottons for a quarterly stipend had
with a becoming contempt for the clerk and all things appertaining to the
office placed upon the table
»Now Lowten« said little Mr Perker shutting the door »whats the
matter No important letter come in a parcel is there«
»No sir« replied Lowten »This is a messenger from Mr Pickwick sir«
»From Pickwick eh« said the little man turning quickly to Job »Well
what is it«
»Dodson and Fogg have taken Mrs Bardell in execution for her costs sir«
said Job
»No« exclaimed Perker putting his hands in his pockets and reclining
against the sideboard
»Yes« said Job »It seems they got a cognovit out of her for the amount of
em directly after the trial«
»By Jove« said Perker taking both hands out of his pockets and striking
the knuckles of his right against the palm of his left emphatically »those are
the cleverest scamps I ever had anything to do with«
»The sharpest practitioners I ever knew sir« observed Lowten
»Sharp« echoed Perker »Theres no knowing where to have them«
»Very true sir there is not« replied Lowten and then both master and
man pondered for a few seconds with animated countenances as if they were
reflecting upon one of the most beautiful and ingenious discoveries that the
intellect of man had ever made When they had in some measure recovered from
their trance of admiration Job Trotter discharged himself of the rest of his
commission Perker nodded his head thoughtfully and pulled out his watch
»At ten precisely I will be there« said the little man »Sam is quite
right Tell him so Will you take a glass of wine Lowten«
»No thank you sir«
»You mean yes I think« said the little man turning to the sideboard for a
decanter and glasses
As Lowten did mean yes he said no more on the subject but inquired of Job
in an audible whisper whether the portrait of Perker which hung opposite the
fireplace wasnt a wonderful likeness to which Job of course replied that it
was The wine being by this time poured out Lowten drank to Mrs Perker and the
children and Job to Perker The gentleman in the plush shorts and cottons
considering it no part of his duty to show the people from the office out
consistently declined to answer the bell and they showed themselves out The
attorney betook himself to his drawingroom the clerk to the Magpie and Stump
and Job to Covent Garden Market to spend the night in a vegetable basket
Punctually at the appointed hour next morning the goodhumoured little
attorney tapped at Mr Pickwicks door which was opened with great alacrity by
Sam Weller
»Mr Perker sir« said Sam announcing the visitor to Mr Pickwick who was
sitting at the window in a thoughtful attitude »Wery glad youve looked in
accidentally sir I rather think the govnor wants to have a word and a half
with you sir«
Perker bestowed a look of intelligence on Sam intimating that he understood
he was not to say he had been sent for and beckoning him to approach whispered
briefly in his ear
»You dont mean that ere sir« said Sam starting back in excessive
surprise
Perker nodded and smiled
Mr Samuel Weller looked at the little lawyer then at Mr Pickwick then at
the ceiling then at Perker again grinned laughed outright and finally
catching up his hat from the carpet without further explanation disappeared
»What does this mean« inquired Mr Pickwick looking at Perker with
astonishment »What has put Sam into this most extraordinary state«
»Oh nothing nothing« replied Perker »Come my dear sir draw up your
chair to the table I have a good deal to say to you«
»What papers are those« inquired Mr Pickwick as the little man deposited
on the table a small bundle of documents tied with red tape
»The papers in Bardell and Pickwick« replied Perker undoing the knot with
his teeth
Mr Pickwick grated the legs of his chair against the ground and throwing
himself into it folded his hands and looked sternly if Mr Pickwick ever
could look sternly at his legal friend
»You dont like to hear the name of the cause« said the little man still
busying himself with the knot
»No I do not indeed« replied Mr Pickwick
»Sorry for that« resumed Perker »because it will form the subject of our
conversation«
»I would rather that the subject should be never mentioned between us
Perker« interposed Mr Pickwick hastily
»Pooh pooh my dear sir« said the little man untying the bundle and
glancing eagerly at Mr Pickwick out of the corners of his eyes »It must be
mentioned I have come here on purpose Now are you ready to hear what I have
to say my dear sir No hurry if you are not I can wait I have this mornings
paper here Your time shall be mine There« Hereupon the little man threw one
leg over the other and made a show of beginning to read with great composure
and application
»Well well« said Mr Pickwick with a sigh but softening into a smile at
the same time »Say what you have to say its the old story I suppose«
»With a difference my dear sir with a difference« rejoined Perker
deliberately folding up the paper and putting it into his pocket again »Mrs
Bardell the plaintiff in the action, is within these walls sir«
»I know it« was Mr Pickwicks reply
»Very good« retorted Perker »And you know how she comes here I suppose I
mean on what grounds and at whose suit«
»Yes at least I have heard Sams account of the matter« said Mr Pickwick
with affected carelessness
»Sams account of the matter« replied Perker »is I will venture to say a
perfectly correct one Well now my dear sir the first question I have to ask
is whether this woman is to remain here«
»To remain here« echoed Mr Pickwick
»To remain here my dear sir« rejoined Perker leaning back in his chair
and looking steadily at his client
»How can you ask me« said that gentleman »It rests with Dodson and Fogg
you know that very well«
»I know nothing of the kind« retorted Perker firmly »It does not rest
with Dodson and Fogg you know the men my dear sir as well as I do It rests
solely wholly and entirely with you«
»With me« ejaculated Mr Pickwick rising nervously from his chair and
reseating himself directly afterwards
The little man gave a double knock on the lid of his snuffbox opened it
took a great pinch shut it up again and repeated the words »With you«
»I say my dear sir« resumed the little man who seemed to gather
confidence from the snuff »I say that her speedy liberation or perpetual
imprisonment rests with you and with you alone Hear me out my dear sir if
you please and do not be so very energetic for it will only put you into a
perspiration and do no good whatever I say« continued Perker checking off
each position on a different finger as he laid it down »I say that nobody but
you can rescue her from this den of wretchedness and that you can only do that
by paying the costs of this suit both of plaintiff and defendant into the
hands of these Freemans Court sharks Now pray be quiet my dear sir«
Mr Pickwick whose face had been undergoing most surprising changes during
this speech and who was evidently on the verge of a strong burst of
indignation calmed his wrath as well as he could Perker strengthening his
argumentative powers with another pinch of snuff proceeded
»I have seen the woman this morning By paying the costs you can obtain a
full release and discharge from the damages and further this I know is a far
greater object of consideration with you my dear sir a voluntary statement
under her hand in the form of a letter to me that this business was from the
very first fomented and encouraged and brought about by these men Dodson
and Fogg that she deeply regrets ever having been the instrument of annoyance
or injury to you and that she entreats me to intercede with you and implore
your pardon«
»If I pay her costs for her« said Mr Pickwick indignantly »A valuable
document indeed«
»No if in the case my dear sir« said Perker triumphantly »There is the
very letter I speak of Brought to my office by another woman at nine oclock
this morning before I had set foot in this place or held any communication
with Mrs Bardell upon my honour« Selecting the letter from the bundle the
little lawyer laid it at Mr Pickwicks elbow and took snuff for two
consecutive minutes without winking
»Is this all you have to say to me« inquired Mr Pickwick mildly
»Not quite« replied Perker »I cannot undertake to say at this moment
whether the wording of the cognovit the nature of the ostensible consideration
and the proof we can get together about the whole conduct of the suit will be
sufficient to justify an indictment for conspiracy I fear not my dear sir
they are too clever for that I doubt I do mean to say however that the whole
facts taken together will be sufficient to justify you in the minds of all
reasonable men And now my dear sir I put it to you This one hundred and
fifty pounds or whatever it may be take it in round numbers is nothing to
you A jury has decided against you well their verdict is wrong but still
they decided as they thought right and it is against you You have now an
opportunity on easy terms of placing yourself in a much higher position than
you ever could by remaining here which would only be imputed by people who
didnt know you to sheer dogged wrongheaded brutal obstinacy nothing else
my dear sir believe me Can you hesitate to avail yourself of it when it
restores you to your friends your old pursuits your health and amusements
when it liberates your faithful and attached servant whom you otherwise doom to
imprisonment for the whole of your life and above all when it enables you to
take the very magnanimous revenge which I know my dear sir is one after your
own heart of releasing this woman from a scene of misery and debauchery to
which no man should ever be consigned if I had my will but the infliction of
which on any woman is even more frightful and barbarous Now I ask you my dear
sir not only as your legal adviser but as your very true friend will you let
slip the occasion of attaining all these objects and doing all this good for
the paltry consideration of a few pounds finding their way into the pockets of a
couple of rascals to whom it makes no manner of difference, except that the
more they gain the more theyll seek and so the sooner be led into some piece
of knavery that must end in a crash I have put these considerations to you my
dear sir very feebly and imperfectly but I ask you to think of them Turn them
over in your mind as long as you please I wait here most patiently for your
answer«
Before Mr Pickwick could reply before Mr Perker had taken one twentieth
part of the snuff with which so unusually long an address imperatively required
to be followed up there was a low murmuring of voices outside and then a
hesitating knock at the door
»Dear dear« exclaimed Mr Pickwick who had been evidently roused by his
friends appeal »what an annoyance that door is Who is that«
»Me sir« replied Sam Weller putting in his head
»I cant speak to you just now Sam« said Mr Pickwick »I am engaged at
this moment Sam«
»Beg your pardon sir« rejoined Mr Weller »But heres a lady here sir
as says shes somethin wery partickler to disclose«
»I cant see any lady« replied Mr Pickwick whose mind was filled with
visions of Mrs Bardell
»I vouldnt make too sure o that sir« urged Mr Weller shaking his head
»If you knowd who was near sir I rayther think youd change your note As the
hawk remarked to himself with a cheerful laugh ven he heerd the robin redbreast
a singin round the corner«
»Who is it« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Will you see her sir« asked Mr Weller holding the door in his hand as
if he had some curious live animal on the other side
»I suppose I must« said Mr Pickwick looking at Perker
»Well then all in to begin« cried Sam »Sound the gong draw up the
curtain and enter the two conspiraytors«
As Sam Weller spoke he threw the door open and there rushed tumultuously
into the room Mr Nathaniel Winkle leading after him by the hand the
identical young lady who at Dingley Dell had worn the boots with the fur round
the tops and who now a very pleasing compound of blushes and confusion and
lilac silk and a smart bonnet and a rich lace veil looked prettier than ever
»Miss Arabella Allen« exclaimed Mr Pickwick rising from his chair
»No« replied Mr Winkle dropping on his knees »Mrs Winkle Pardon my
dear friend pardon«
Mr Pickwick could scarcely believe the evidence of his senses and perhaps
would not have done so but for the corroborative testimony afforded by the
smiling countenance of Perker and the bodily presence in the background of
Sam and the pretty housemaid who appeared to contemplate the proceedings with
the liveliest satisfaction
»Oh Mr Pickwick« said Arabella in a low voice as if alarmed at the
silence »Can you forgive my imprudence«
Mr Pickwick returned no verbal response to this appeal but he took off his
spectacles in great haste and seizing both the young ladys hands in his
kissed her a great number of times perhaps a greater number than was
absolutely necessary and then still retaining one of her hands told Mr
Winkle he was an audacious young dog and bade him get up This Mr Winkle who
had been for some seconds scratching his nose with the brim of his hat in a
penitent manner did whereupon Mr Pickwick slapped him on the back several
times and then shook hands heartily with Perker who not to be behindhand in
the compliments of the occasion saluted both the bride and the pretty housemaid
with right good will and having wrung Mr Winkles hand most cordially wound
up his demonstrations of joy by taking snuff enough to set any half dozen men
with ordinarily constructed noses a sneezing for life
»Why my dear girl« said Mr Pickwick »how has all this come about Come
Sit down and let me hear it all How well she looks doesnt she Perker«
added Mr Pickwick surveying Arabellas face with a look of as much pride and
exultation as if she had been his daughter
»Delightful my dear sir« replied the little man »If I were not a married
man myself I should be disposed to envy you you dog« Thus expressing himself
the little lawyer gave Mr Winkle a poke in the chest which that gentleman
reciprocated after which they both laughed very loudly but not so loudly as
Mr Samuel Weller Who had just relieved his feelings by kissing the pretty
housemaid under cover of the cupboarddoor
»I can never be grateful enough to you Sam I am sure« said Arabella with
the sweetest smile imaginable »I shall not forget your exertions in the garden
at Clifton«
»Dont say nothin wotever about it mam« replied Sam »I only assisted
natur mam as the doctor said to the boys mother arter hed bled him to
death«
»Mary my dear sit down« said Mr Pickwick cutting short these
compliments »Now then how long have you been married eh«
Arabella looked bashfully at her lord and master who replied »Only three
days«
»Only three days eh« said Mr Pickwick »Why what have you been doing
these three months«
»Ah to be sure« interposed Perker »come Account for this idleness You
see Pickwicks only astonishment is that it wasnt all over months ago«
»Why the fact is« replied Mr Winkle looking at his blushing young wife
»that I could not persuade Bella to run away for a long time And when I had
persuaded her it was a long time more before we could find an opportunity
Mary had to give a months warning too before she could leave her place next
door and we couldnt possibly have done it without her assistance«
»Upon my word« exclaimed Mr Pickwick who by this time had resumed his
spectacles and was looking from Arabella to Winkle and from Winkle to
Arabella with as much delight depicted in his countenance as warmheartedness
and kindly feeling can communicate to the human face »upon my word you seem to
have been very systematic in your proceedings And is your brother acquainted
with all this my dear«
»Oh no no« replied Arabella changing colour »Dear Mr Pickwick he must
only know it from you from your lips alone He is so violent so prejudiced
and has been so so anxious in behalf of his friend Mr Sawyer« added
Arabella looking down »that I fear the consequences dreadfully«
»Ah to be sure« said Perker gravely »You must take this matter in hand
for them my dear sir These young men will respect you when they would listen
to nobody else You must prevent mischief my dear sir Hot blood hot blood«
And the little man took a warning pinch and shook his head doubtfully
»You forget my love« said Mr Pickwick gently »you forget that I am a
prisoner«
»No indeed I do not my dear sir« replied Arabella »I never have
forgotten it I have never ceased to think how great your sufferings must have
been in this shocking place But I hoped that what no consideration for yourself
would induce you to do a regard to our happiness might If my brother hears of
this first from you I feel certain we shall be reconciled He is my only
relation in the world Mr Pickwick and unless you plead for me I fear I have
lost even him I have done wrong very very wrong I know« Here poor Arabella
hid her face in her handkerchief and wept bitterly
Mr Pickwicks nature was a good deal worked upon by these same tears but
when Mrs Winkle drying her eyes took to coaxing and entreating in the
sweetest tones of a very sweet voice he became particularly restless and
evidently undecided how to act As was evinced by sundry nervous rubbings of his
spectacleglasses nose tights head and gaiters
Taking advantage of these symptoms of indecision Mr Perker to whom it
appeared the young couple had driven straight that morning urged with legal
point and shrewdness that Mr Winkle senior was still unacquainted with the
important rise in lifes flight of steps which his son had taken that the
future expectations of the said son depended entirely upon the said Winkle
senior continuing to regard him with undiminished feelings of affection and
attachment which it was very unlikely he would if this great event were long
kept a secret from him that Mr Pickwick repairing to Bristol to seek Mr
Allen might with equal reason repair to Birmingham to seek Mr Winkle
senior lastly that Mr Winkle senior had good right and title to consider
Mr Pickwick as in some degree the guardian and adviser of his son and that it
consequently behoved that gentleman and was indeed due to his personal
character to acquaint the aforesaid Winkle senior personally and by word of
mouth with the whole circumstances of the case and with the share he had taken
in the transaction
Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass arrived most opportunely in this stage of the
pleadings and as it was necessary to explain to them all that had occurred
together with the various reasons pro and con the whole of the arguments were
gone over again after which everybody urged every argument in his own way and
at his own length And at last Mr Pickwick fairly argued and remonstrated
out of all his resolutions and being in imminent danger of being argued and
remonstrated out of his wits caught Arabella in his arms and declaring that
she was a very amiable creature and that he didnt know how it was but he had
always been very fond of her from the first said he could never find it in his
heart to stand in the way of young peoples happiness and they might do with
him as they pleased
Mr Wellers first act on hearing this concession was to despatch Job
Trotter to the illustrious Mr Pell with an authority to deliver to the bearer
the formal discharge which his prudent parent had had the foresight to leave in
the hands of that learned gentleman in case it should be at any time required
on an emergency his next proceeding was to invest his whole stock of ready
money in the purchase of fiveandtwenty gallons of mild porter which he
himself dispensed on the racket ground to everybody who would partake of it
this done he hurrad in divers parts of the building until he lost his voice
and then quietly relapsed into his usual collected and philosophical condition
At three oclock that afternoon Mr Pickwick took a last look at his little
room and made his way as well as he could through the throng of debtors who
pressed eagerly forward to shake him by the hand until he reached the lodge
steps He turned here to look about him and his eye lightened as he did so In
all the crowd of wan emaciated faces he saw not one which was not the happier
for his sympathy and charity
»Perker« said Mr Pickwick beckoning one young man towards him »this is
Mr Jingle whom I spoke to you about«
»Very good my dear sir« replied Perker looking hard at Jingle »You will
see me again young man tomorrow I hope you may live to remember and feel
deeply what I shall have to communicate sir«
Jingle bowed respectfully trembled very much as he took Mr Pickwicks
proffered hand and withdrew
»Job you know I think« said Mr Pickwick presenting that gentleman
»I know the rascal« replied Perker goodhumouredly »See after your
friend and be in the way tomorrow at one Do you hear Now is there anything
more«
»Nothing« rejoined Mr Pickwick »You have delivered the little parcel I
gave you for your old landlord Sam«
»I have sir« replied Sam »He bust out a cryin sir and said you wos
wery genrous and thoughtful and he only wished you could have him innokilated
for a gallopin consumption for his old friend as had lived here so long wos
dead and hed noweres to look for another«
»Poor fellow poor fellow« said Mr Pickwick »God bless you my friends«
As Mr Pickwick uttered this adieu the crowd raised a loud shout Many
among them were pressing forward to shake him by the hand again when he drew
his arm through Perkers and hurried from the prison far more sad and
melancholy for the moment than when he had first entered it Alas how many
sad and unhappy beings had he left behind
A happy evening was that for at least one party in the George and
Vulture and light and cheerful were two of the hearts that emerged from its
hospitable door next morning The owners thereof were Mr Pickwick and Sam
Weller the former of whom was speedily deposited inside a comfortable post
coach with a little dickey behind in which the latter mounted with great
agility
»Sir« called out Mr Weller to his master
»Well Sam« replied Mr Pickwick thrusting his head out of the window
»I wish them horses had been three months and better in the Fleet sir«
»Why Sam« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Wy sir« exclaimed Mr Weller rubbing his hands »how they would go if
they had been«
Chapter XLVIII
Relates How Mr Pickwick with the Assistance of Samuel Weller Essayed To
Soften the Heart of Mr Benjamin Allen and To Mollify the Wrath of Mr Robert
Sawyer
Mr Ben Allen and Mr Bob Sawyer sat together in the little surgery behind the
shop discussing minced veal and future prospects when the discourse not
unnaturally turned upon the practice acquired by Bob the aforesaid and his
present chances of deriving a competent independence from the honourable
profession to which he had devoted himself
» Which I think« observed Mr Bob Sawyer pursuing the thread of the
subject »which I think Ben are rather dubious«
»Whats rather dubious« inquired Mr Ben Allen at the same time sharpening
his intellects with a draught of beer »Whats dubious«
»Why the chances« responded Mr Bob Sawyer
»I forgot« said Mr Ben Allen »The beer has reminded me that I forgot Bob
yes they are dubious«
»Its wonderful how the poor people patronise me« said Mr Bob Sawyer
reflectively »They knock me up at all hours of the night they take medicine
to an extent which I should have conceived impossible they put on blisters and
leeches with a perseverance worthy of a better cause they make additions to
their families in a manner which is quite awful Six of those lastnamed little
promissory notes all due on the same day Ben and all intrusted to me«
»Its very gratifying isnt it« said Mr Ben Allen holding his plate for
some more minced veal
»Oh very« replied Bob »only not quite so much so as the confidence of
patients with a shilling or two to spare would be This business was capitally
described in the advertisement Ben It is a practice a very extensive practice
and thats all«
»Bob« said Mr Ben Allen laying down his knife and fork and fixing his
eyes on the visage of his friend »Bob Ill tell you what it is«
»What is it« inquired Mr Bob Sawyer
»You must make yourself with as little delay as possible master of
Arabellas one thousand pounds«
»Three per cent consolidated Bank annuities now standing in her name in
the book or books of the Governor and Company of the Bank of England« added Bob
Sawyer in legal phraseology
»Exactly so« said Ben »She has it when she comes of age or marries She
wants a year of coming of age and if you plucked up a spirit she neednt want a
month of being married«
»Shes a very charming and delightful creature« quoth Mr Robert Sawyer in
reply »and has only one fault that I know of Ben It happens unfortunately
that that single blemish is a want of taste She dont like me«
»Its my opinion that she dont know what she does like« said Mr Ben
Allen contemptuously
»Perhaps not« remarked Mr Bob Sawyer »But its my opinion that she does
know what she doesnt like and thats of more importance«
»I wish« said Mr Ben Allen setting his teeth together and speaking more
like a savage warrior who fed on raw wolfs flesh which he carved with his
fingers than a peaceable young gentleman who ate minced veal with a knife and
fork »I wish I knew whether any rascal really has been tampering with her and
attempting to engage her affections I think I should assassinate him Bob«
»Id put a bullet in him if I found him out« said Mr Sawyer stopping in
the course of a long draught of beer and looking malignantly out of the porter
pot »If that didnt do his business Id extract it afterwards and kill him
that way«
Mr Benjamin Allen gazed abstractedly on his friend for some minutes in
silence and then said
»You have never proposed to her pointblank Bob«
»No Because I saw it would be of no use« replied Mr Robert Sawyer
»You shall do it before you are twentyfour hours older« retorted Ben
with desperate calmness »She shall have you or Ill know the reason why Ill
exert my authority«
»Well« said Mr Bob Sawyer »we shall see«
»We shall see my friend« replied Mr Ben Allen fiercely He paused for a
few seconds and added in a voice broken by emotion »You have loved her from a
child my friend You loved her when we were boys at school together and even
then she was wayward and slighted your young feelings Do you recollect with
all the eagerness of a childs love one day pressing upon her acceptance two
small carawayseed biscuits and one sweet apple neatly folded into a circular
parcel with the leaf of a copybook«
»I do« replied Bob Sawyer
»She slighted that I think« said Ben Allen
»She did« rejoined Bob »She said I had kept the parcel so long in the
pockets of my corduroys that the apple was unpleasantly warm«
»I remember« said Mr Allen gloomily »Upon which we ate it ourselves in
alternate bites«
Bob Sawyer intimated his recollection of the circumstance last alluded to
by a melancholy frown and the two friends remained for some time absorbed each
in his own meditations
While these observations were being exchanged between Mr Bob Sawyer and Mr
Benjamin Allen and while the boy in the grey livery marvelling at the unwonted
prolongation of the dinner cast an anxious look from time to time towards the
glass door distracted by inward misgivings regarding the amount of minced veal
which would be ultimately reserved for his individual cravings there rolled
soberly on through the streets of Bristol a private fly painted of a sad green
colour drawn by a chubby sort of brown horse and driven by a surlylooking man
with his legs dressed like the legs of a groom and his body attired in the coat
of a coachman Such appearances are common to many vehicles belonging to and
maintained by old ladies of economic habits and in this vehicle sat an old
lady who was its mistress and proprietor
»Martin« said the old lady calling to the surly man out of the front
window
»Well« said the surly man touching his hat to the old lady
»Mr Sawyers« said the old lady
»I was going there« said the surly man
The old lady nodded the satisfaction which this proof of the surly mans
foresight imparted to her feelings and the surly man giving a smart lash to the
chubby horse they all repaired to Mr Bob Sawyers together
»Martin« said the old lady when the fly stopped at the door of Mr Robert
Sawyer late Nockemorf
»Well« said Martin
»Ask the lad to step out and mind the horse«
»Im going to mind the horse myself« said Martin laying his whip on the
roof of the fly
»I cant permit it on any account« said the old lady »your testimony will
be very important and I must take you into the house with me You must not stir
from my side during the whole interview Do you hear«
»I hear« replied Martin
»Well what are you stopping for«
»Nothing« replied Martin So saying the surly man leisurely descended from
the wheel on which he had been poising himself on the tops of the toes of his
right foot and having summoned the boy in the grey livery opened the
coachdoor flung down the steps and thrusting in a hand enveloped in a dark
washleather glove pulled out the old lady with as much unconcern in his manner
as if she were a bandbox
»Dear me« exclaimed the old lady »I am so flurried now I have got here
Martin that Im all in a tremble«
Mr Martin coughed behind the dark washleather glove but expressed no
sympathy so the old lady composing herself trotted up Mr Bob Sawyers steps
and Mr Martin followed Immediately on the old ladys entering the shop Mr
Benjamin Allen and Mr Bob Sawyer who had been putting the spirits and water
out of sight and upsetting nauseous drugs to take off the smell of the
tobaccosmoke issued hastily forth in a transport of pleasure and affection
»My dear aunt« exclaimed Mr Ben Allen »how kind of you to look in upon
us Mr Sawyer aunt my friend Mr Bob Sawyer whom I have spoken to you about
regarding you know aunt« And here Mr Ben Allen who was not at the moment
extraordinarily sober added the word Arabella in what was meant to be a
whisper but which was an especially audible and distinct tone of speech which
nobody could avoid hearing if anybody were so disposed
»My dear Benjamin« said the old lady struggling with a great shortness of
breath and trembling from head to foot »dont be alarmed my dear but I think
I had better speak to Mr Sawyer alone for a moment Only for one moment«
»Bob« said Mr Ben Allen »will you take my aunt into the surgery«
»Certainly« responded Bob in a most professional voice »Step this way my
dear maam Dont be frightened maam We shall be able to set you to rights in
a very short time I have no doubt maam Here my dear maam Now then« With
this Mr Bob Sawyer having handed the old lady to a chair shut the door drew
another chair close to her and waited to hear detailed the symptoms of some
disorder from which he saw in perspective a long train of profits and
advantages
The first thing the old lady did was to shake her head a great many times
and begin to cry
»Nervous« said Bob Sawyer complacently »Camphorjulep and water three
times aday and composing draught at night«
»I dont know how to begin Mr Sawyer« said the old lady »It is so very
painful and distressing«
»You need not begin maam« rejoined Mr Bob Sawyer »I can anticipate all
you would say The head is in fault«
»I should be very sorry to think it was the heart« said the old lady with
a slight groan
»Not the slightest danger of that maam« replied Bob Sawyer »The stomach
is the primary cause«
»Mr Sawyer« exclaimed the old lady starting
»Not the least doubt of it maam« rejoined Bob looking wondrous wise
»Medicine in time my dear maam would have prevented it all«
»Mr Sawyer« said the old lady more flurried than before »this conduct is
either great impertinence to one in my situation sir or it arises from your
not understanding the object of my visit If it had been in the power of
medicine or any foresight I could have used to prevent what has occurred I
should certainly have done so I had better see my nephew at once« said the old
lady twirling her reticule indignantly and rising as she spoke
»Stop a moment maam« said Bob Sawyer »Im afraid I have not understood
you What is the matter maam«
»My niece Mr Sawyer« said the old lady »your friends sister«
»Yes maam« said Bob all impatience for the old lady although much
agitated spoke with the most tantalising deliberation as old ladies often do
»Yes maam«
»Left my home Mr Sawyer three days ago on a pretended visit to my
sister another aunt of hers who keeps the large boardingschool just beyond
the third milestone where there is a very large laburnum tree and an oak gate«
said the old lady stopping in this place to dry her eyes
»Oh devil take the laburnum tree maam« said Bob quite forgetting his
professional dignity in his anxiety »Get on a little faster put a little more
steam on maam pray«
»This morning« said the old lady slowly »this morning she «
»She came back maam I suppose« said Bob with great amimation »Did she
come back«
»No she did not she wrote« replied the old lady
»What did she say« inquired Bob eagerly
»She said Mr Sawyer« replied the old lady »and it is this I want you
to prepare Benjamins mind for gently and by degrees she said that she was I
have got the letter in my pocket Mr Sawyer but my glasses are in the
carriage and I should only waste your time if I attempted to point out the
passage to you without them she said in short Mr Sawyer that she was
married«
»What« said or rather shouted Mr Bob Sawyer
»Married« repeated the old lady
Mr Bob Sawyer stopped to hear no more but darting from the surgery into
the outer shop cried in a stentorian voice »Ben my boy shes bolted«
Mr Ben Allen who had been slumbering behind the counter with his head
half a foot or so below his knees no sooner heard this appalling communication
than he made a precipitate rush at Mr Martin and twisting his hand in the
neckcloth of that taciturn servitor expressed an intention of choking him where
he stood This intention with a promptitude often the effect of desperation he
at once commenced carrying into execution with much vigour and surgical skill
Mr Martin who was a man of few words and possessed but little power of
eloquence or persuasion submitted to this operation with a very calm and
agreeable expression of countenance for some seconds finding however that it
threatened speedily to lead to a result which would place it beyond his power to
claim any wages board or otherwise in all time to come he muttered an
inarticulate remonstrance and felled Mr Benjamin Allen to the ground As that
gentleman had his hands entangled in his cravat he had no alternative but to
follow him to the floor There they both lay struggling when the shop door
opened and the party was increased by the arrival of two most unexpected
visitors to wit Mr Pickwick and Mr Samuel Weller
The impression at once produced on Mr Wellers mind by what he saw was
that Mr Martin was hired by the establishment of Sawyer late Nockemorf to take
strong medicine or to go into fits and be experimentalised upon or to swallow
poison now and then with the view of testing the efficacy of some new antidotes
or to do something or other to promote the great science of medicine and
gratify the ardent spirit of inquiry burning in the bosoms of its two young
professors So without presuming to interfere Sam stood perfectly still and
looked on as if he were mightily interested in the result of the then pending
experiment Not so Mr Pickwick He at once threw himself on the astonished
combatants with his accustomed energy and loudly called upon the bystanders
to interpose
This roused Mr Bob Sawyer who had been hitherto quite paralysed by the
frenzy of his companion With that gentlemans assistance Mr Pickwick raised
Ben Allen to his feet Mr Martin finding himself alone on the floor got up
and looked about him
»Mr Allen« said Mr Pickwick »what is the matter sir«
»Never mind sir« replied Mr Allen with haughty defiance
»What is it« inquired Mr Pickwick looking at Bob Sawyer »Is he unwell«
Before Bob could reply Mr Ben Allen seized Mr Pickwick by the hand and
murmured in sorrowful accents »My sister my dear sir my sister«
»Oh is that all« said Mr Pickwick »We shall easily arrange that matter
I hope Your sister is safe and well and I am here my dear sir to «
»Sorry to do anythin as may cause an interruption to such wery pleasant
proceedins as the king said wen he dissolved the parliament« interposed Mr
Weller who had been peeping through the glass door »but theres another
experiment here sir Heres a wenerable old lady a lyin on the carpet waitin
for dissection or galwinism or some other rewivin and scientific inwention«
»I forgot« exclaimed Mr Ben Allen »It is my aunt«
»Dear me« said Mr Pickwick »Poor lady Gently Sam gently«
»Strange sitivation for one o the family« observed Sam Weller hoisting
the aunt into a chair »Now depitty Sawbones bring out the wollatilly«
The latter observation was addressed to the boy in grey who having handed
over the fly to the care of the streetkeeper had come back to see what all the
noise was about Between the boy in grey and Mr Bob Sawyer and Mr Benjamin
Allen who having frightened his aunt into a fainting fit was affectionately
solicitous for her recovery the old lady was at length restored to
consciousness then Mr Ben Allen turning with a puzzled countenance to Mr
Pickwick asked him what he was about to say when he had been so alarmingly
interrupted
»We are all friends here I presume« said Mr Pickwick clearing his voice
and looking towards the man of few words with the surly countenance who drove
the fly with the chubby horse
This reminded Mr Bob Sawyer that the boy in grey was looking on with eyes
wide open and greedy ears The incipient chemist having been lifted up by his
coat collar and dropped outside the door Bob Sawyer assured Mr Pickwick that
he might speak without reserve
»Your sister my dear sir« said Mr Pickwick turning to Benjamin Allen
»is in London well and happy«
»Her happiness is no object to me sir« said Mr Benjamin Allen with a
flourish of the hand
»Her husband is an object to me sir« said Bob Sawyer »He shall be an
object to me sir at twelve paces and a very pretty object Ill make of him
sir a meanspirited scoundrel« This as it stood was a very pretty
denunciation and magnanimous withal but Mr Bob Sawyer rather weakened its
effect by winding up with some general observations concerning the punching of
heads and knocking out of eyes which were commonplace by comparison
»Stay sir« said Mr Pickwick »before you apply those epithets to the
gentleman in question consider dispassionately the extent of his fault and
above all remember that he is a friend of mine«
»What« said Mr Bob Sawyer
»His name« cried Ben Allen »His name«
»Mr Nathaniel Winkle« said Mr Pickwick
Mr Benjamin Allen deliberately crushed his spectacles beneath the heel of
his boot and having picked up the pieces and put them into three separate
pockets folded his arms bit his lips and looked in a threatening manner at
the bland features of Mr Pickwick
»Then its you is it sir who have encouraged and brought about this
match« inquired Mr Benjamin Allen at length
»And its this gentlemans servant I suppose« interrupted the old lady
»who has been skulking about my house and endeavouring to entrap my servants to
conspire against their mistress Martin«
»Well« said the surly man coming forward
»Is that the young man you saw in the lane whom you told me about this
morning«
Mr Martin who as it has already appeared was a man of few words looked
at Sam Weller nodded his head and growled forth »Thats the man« Mr Weller
who was never proud gave a smile of friendly recognition as his eyes
encountered those of the surly groom and admitted in courteous terms that he
had »knowed him afore«
»And this is the faithful creature« exclaimed Mr Ben Allen »whom I had
nearly suffocated Mr Pickwick how dare you allow your fellow to be employed
in the abduction of my sister I demand that you explain this matter sir«
»Explain it sir« cried Bob Sawyer fiercely
»Its a conspiracy« said Ben Allen
»A regular plant« added Mr Bob Sawyer
»A disgraceful imposition« observed the old lady
»Nothing but a do« remarked Martin
»Pray hear me« urged Mr Pickwick as Mr Ben Allen fell into a chair that
patients were bled in and gave way to his pockethandkerchief »I have rendered
no assistance in this matter beyond that of being present at one interview
between the young people which I could not prevent and from which I conceived
my presence would remove any slight colouring of impropriety that it might
otherwise have had this is the whole share I have taken in the transaction and
I had no suspicion that an immediate marriage was even contemplated Though
mind« added Mr Pickwick hastily checking himself »mind I do not say I
should have prevented it if I had known that it was intended«
»You hear that all of you you hear that« said Mr Benjamin Allen
»I hope they do« mildly observed Mr Pickwick looking round »and« added
that gentleman his colour mounting as he spoke »I hope they hear this sir
also That from what has been stated to me sir I assert that you were by no
means justified in attempting to force your sisters inclinations as you did
and that you should rather have endeavoured by your kindness and forbearance to
have supplied the place of other nearer relations whom she has never known from
a child As regards my young friend I must beg to add that in every point of
worldly advantage he is at least on an equal footing with yourself if not on
a much better one and that unless I hear this question discussed with becoming
temper and moderation I decline hearing any more said upon the subject«
»I wish to make a wery few remarks in addition to wot has been put forard by
the honorable genlmn as has jist give over« said Mr Weller stepping forth
»wich is this here a indiwidual in company has called me a feller«
»That has nothing whatever to do with the matter Sam« interposed Mr
Pickwick »Pray hold your tongue«
»I aint a goin to say nothin on that ere pint sir« replied Sam »but
merely this here Praps that genlmn may think as there wos a priory
tachment but there wornt nothin o the sort for the young lady said in the
wery beginnin o the keepin company that she couldnt abide him Nobodys cut
him out and it ud ha been jist the wery same for him if the young lady had
never seen Mr Vinkle Thats wot I wished to say sir and I hope Ive now made
that ere genlmns mind easy«
A short pause followed these consolatory remarks of Mr Weller Then Mr Ben
Allen rising from his chair protested that he would never see Arabellas face
again while Mr Bob Sawyer despite Sams flattering assurance vowed dreadful
vengeance on the happy bridegroom
But just when matters were at their height and threatening to remain so
Mr Pickwick found a powerful assistant in the old lady who evidently much
struck by the mode in which he had advocated her nieces cause ventured to
approach Mr Benjamin Allen with a few comforting reflections of which the
chief were that after all perhaps it was well it was no worse the least said
the soonest mended and upon her word she did not know that it was so very bad
after all what was over couldnt be begun and what couldnt be cured must be
endured with various other assurances of the like novel and strengthening
description To all of these Mr Benjamin Allen replied that he meant no
disrespect to his aunt or anybody there but if it were all the same to them
and they would allow him to have his own way he would rather have the pleasure
of hating his sister till death and after it
At length when this determination had been announced half a hundred times
the old lady suddenly bridling up and looking very majestic wished to know what
she had done that no respect was to be paid to her years or station and that
she should be obliged to beg and pray in that way of her own nephew whom she
remembered about fiveandtwenty years before he was born and whom she had
known personally when he hadnt a tooth in his head To say nothing of her
presence on the first occasion of his having his hair cut and assistance at
numerous other times and ceremonies during his babyhood of sufficient
importance to found a claim upon his affection obedience and sympathies for
ever
While the good lady was bestowing this objurgation on Mr Ben Allen Bob
Sawyer and Mr Pickwick had retired in close conversation to the inner room
where Mr Sawyer was observed to apply himself several times to the mouth of a
black bottle under the influence of which his features gradually assumed a
cheerful and even jovial expression And at last he emerged from the room
bottle in hand and remarking that he was very sorry to say he had been making
a fool of himself begged to propose the health and happiness of Mr and Mrs
Winkle whose felicity so far from envying he would be the first to
congratulate them upon Hearing this Mr Ben Allen suddenly arose from his
chair and seizing the black bottle drank the toast so heartily that the
liquor being strong he became nearly as black in the face as the bottle
Finally the black bottle went round till it was empty and there was so much
shaking of hands and interchanging of compliments that even the metalvisaged
Mr Martin condescended to smile
»And now« said Bob Sawyer rubbing his hands »well have a jolly night«
»I am sorry« said Mr Pickwick »that I must return to my inn I have not
been accustomed to fatigue lately and my journey has tired me exceedingly«
»Youll take some tea Mr Pickwick« said the old lady with irresistible
sweetness
»Thank you I would rather not« replied that gentleman The truth is that
the old ladys evidently increasing admiration was Mr Pickwicks principal
inducement for going away He thought of Mrs Bardell and every glance of the
old ladys eyes threw him into a cold perspiration
As Mr Pickwick could by no means be prevailed upon to stay it was arranged
at once on his own proposition, that Mr Benjamin Allen should accompany him on
his journey to the elder Mr Winkles and that the coach should be at the door
at nine oclock next morning He then took his leave and followed by Samuel
Weller repaired to the Bush It is worthy of remark that Mr Martins face was
horribly convulsed as he shook hands with Sam at parting and that he gave vent
to a smile and an oath simultaneously from which tokens it has been inferred by
those who were best acquainted with that gentlemans peculiarities that he
expressed himself much pleased with Mr Wellers society and requested the
honour of his further acquaintance
»Shall I order a private room sir« inquired Sam when they reached the
Bush
»Why no Sam« replied Mr Pickwick »as I dined in the coffee room and
shall go to bed soon it is hardly worth while See who there is in the
travellers room Sam«
Mr Weller departed on his errand and presently returned to say that there
was only a gentleman with one eye and that he and the landlord were drinking a
bowl of bishop together
»I will join them« said Mr Pickwick
»Hes a queer customer the vuneyed vun sir« observed Mr Weller as he
led the way »Hes a gammonin that ere landlord he is sir till he dont
rightly know wether hes a standing on the soles of his boots or the crown of
his hat«
The individual to whom this observation referred was sitting at the upper
end of the room when Mr Pickwick entered and was smoking a large Dutch pipe
with his eye intently fixed on the round face of the landlord a jolly looking
old personage to whom he had recently been relating some tale of wonder as was
testified by sundry disjointed exclamations of »Well I wouldnt have believed
it The strangest thing I ever heard Couldnt have supposed it possible« and
other expressions of astonishment which burst spontaneously from his lips as he
returned the fixed gaze of the oneeyed man
»Servant sir« said the oneeyed man to Mr Pickwick »Fine night sir«
»Very much so indeed« replied Mr Pickwick as the waiter placed a small
decanter of brandy and some hot water before him
While Mr Pickwick was mixing his brandy and water the oneeyed man looked
round at him earnestly from time to time and at length said
»I think Ive seen you before«
»I dont recollect you« rejoined Mr Pickwick
»I dare say not« said the oneeyed man »You didnt know me but I knew two
friends of yours that were stopping at the Peacock at Eatanswill at the time of
the Election«
»Oh indeed« exclaimed Mr Pickwick
»Yes« rejoined the oneeyed man »I mentioned a little circumstance to them
about a friend of mine of the name of Tom Smart Perhaps youve heard them speak
of it«
»Often« rejoined Mr Pickwick smiling »He was your uncle I think«
»No no only a friend of my uncles« replied the oneeyed man
»He was a wonderful man that uncle of yours though« remarked the
landlord shaking his head
»Well I think he was I think I may say he was« answered the oneeyed man
»I could tell you a story about that same uncle gentlemen that would rather
surprise you«
»Could you« said Mr Pickwick »Let us hear it by all means«
The oneeyed Bagman ladled out a glass of negus from the bowl and drank it
smoked a long whiff out of the Dutch pipe and then calling to Sam Weller who
was lingering near the door that he neednt go away unless he wanted to
because the story was no secret fixed his eye upon the landlords and
proceeded in the words of the next chapter
Chapter XLIX
Containing the Story of the Bagmans Uncle
»My uncle gentlemen« said the bagman »was one of the merriest pleasantest
cleverest fellows that ever lived I wish you had known him gentlemen On
second thoughts gentlemen I dont wish you had known him for if you had you
would have been all by this time in the ordinary course of nature, if not
dead at all events so near it as to have taken to stopping at home and giving
up company which would have deprived me of the inestimable pleasure of
addressing you at this moment Gentlemen I wish your fathers and mothers had
known my uncle They would have been amazingly fond of him especially your
respectable mothers I know they would If any two of his numerous virtues
predominated over the many that adorned his character I should say they were
his mixed punch and his after supper song Excuse my dwelling on these
melancholy recollections of departed worth you wont see a man like my uncle
every day in the week
I have always considered it a great point in my uncles character
gentlemen that he was the intimate friend and companion of Tom Smart of the
great house of Bilson and Slum Cateaton Street City My uncle collected for
Tiggin and Welps but for a long time he went pretty near the same journey as
Tom and the very first night they met my uncle took a fancy for Tom and Tom
took a fancy for my uncle They made a bet of a new hat before they had known
each other half an hour who should brew the best quart of punch and drink it
the quickest My uncle was judged to have won the making but Tom Smart beat him
in the drinking by about half a saltspoonfull They took another quart apiece
to drink each others health in and were staunch friends ever afterwards
Theres a destiny in these things gentlemen we cant help it
In personal appearance my uncle was a trifle shorter than the middle size
he was a thought stouter too than the ordinary run of people and perhaps his
face might be a shade redder He had the jolliest face you ever saw gentlemen
something like Punch with a handsomer nose and chin his eyes were always
twinkling and sparkling with good humour and a smile not one of your
unmeaning wooden grins but a real merry hearty goodtempered smile was
perpetually on his countenance He was pitched out of his gig once and knocked
head first against a milestone There he lay stunned and so cut about the
face with some gravel which had been heaped up alongside it that to use my
uncles own strong expression if his mother could have revisited the earth she
wouldnt have known him Indeed when I come to think of the matter gentlemen
I feel pretty sure she wouldnt for she died when my uncle was two years and
seven months old and I think its very likely that even without the gravel
his topboots would have puzzled the good lady not a little to say nothing of
his jolly red face However there he lay and I have heard my uncle say many a
time that the man said who picked him up that he was smiling as merrily as if
he had tumbled out for a treat and that after they had bled him the first
faint glimmerings of returning animation were his jumping up in bed bursting
out into a loud laugh kissing the young woman who held the basin and demanding
a mutton chop and a pickled walnut He was very fond of pickled walnuts
gentlemen He said he always found that taken without vinegar they relished
the beer
My uncles great journey was in the fall of the leaf at which time he
collected debts and took orders in the north going from London to Edinburgh
from Edinburgh to Glasgow from Glasgow back to Edinburgh and thence to London
by the smack You are to understand that his second visit to Edinburgh was for
his own pleasure He used to go back for a week just to look up his old
friends and what with breakfasting with this one lunching with that dining
with a third and supping with another a pretty tight week he used to make of
it I dont know whether any of you gentlemen ever partook of a real
substantial hospitable Scotch breakfast and then went out to a slight lunch of
a bushel of oysters a dozen or so of bottled ale and a noggin or two of
whiskey to close up with If you ever did you will agree with me that it
requires a pretty strong head to go out to dinner and supper afterwards
But bless your hearts and eyebrows all this sort of thing was nothing to
my uncle He was so well seasoned that it was mere childs play I have heard
him say that he could see the Dundee people out any day and walk home
afterwards without staggering and yet the Dundee people have as strong heads
and as strong punch gentlemen as you are likely to meet with between the
poles I have heard of a Glasgow man and a Dundee man drinking against each
other for fifteen hours at a sitting They were both suffocated as nearly as
could be ascertained at the same moment but with this trifling exception
gentlemen they were not a bit the worse for it
One night within fourandtwenty hours of the time when he had settled to
take shipping for London my uncle supped at the house of a very old friend of
his a Baillie Mac something and four syllables after it who lived in the old
town of Edinburgh There were the baillies wife and the baillies three
daughters and the baillies grownup son and three or four stout bushy
eyebrowed canny old Scotch fellows that the baillie had got together to do
honour to my uncle and help to make merry It was a glorious supper There were
kippered salmon and Finnan haddocks and a lambs head and a haggis a
celebrated Scotch dish gentlemen which my uncle used to say always looked to
him when it came to table very much like a cupids stomach and a great many
other things besides that I forget the names of but very good things
notwithstanding The lassies were pretty and agreeable the baillies wife was
one of the best creatures that ever lived and my uncle was in thoroughly good
cue The consequence of which was that the young ladies tittered and giggled
and the old lady laughed out loud and the baillie and the other old fellows
roared till they were red in the face the whole mortal time I dont quite
recollect how many tumblers of whiskey toddy each man drank after supper but
this I know that about one oclock in the morning the baillies grownup son
became insensible while attempting the first verse of Willie brewed a peck o
maut and he having been for half an hour before the only other man visible
above the mahogany it occurred to my uncle that it was almost time to think
about going especially as drinking had set in at seven oclock in order that
he might get home at a decent hour But thinking it might not be quite polite
to go just then my uncle voted himself into the chair mixed another glass
rose to propose his own health addressed himself in a neat and complimentary
speech and drank the toast with great enthusiasm Still nobody woke so my
uncle took a little drop more neat this time to prevent the toddy from
disagreeing with him and laying violent hands on his hat sallied forth into
the street
It was a wild gusty night when my uncle closed the baillies door and
settling his hat firmly on his head to prevent the wind from taking it thrust
his hands into his pockets and looking upward took a short survey of the state
of the weather The clouds were drifting over the moon at their giddiest speed
at one time wholly obscuring her at another suffering her to burst forth in
full splendour and shed her light on all the objects around anon driving over
her again with increased velocity and shrouding everything in darkness
Really this wont do said my uncle addressing himself to the weather as if
he felt himself personally offended This is not at all the kind of thing for my
voyage It will not do at any price said my uncle very impressively Having
repeated this several times he recovered his balance with some difficulty
for he was rather giddy with looking up into the sky so long and walked
merrily on
The baillies house was in the Canongate and my uncle was going to the
other end of Leith Walk rather better than a miles journey On either side of
him there shot up against the dark sky tall gaunt straggling houses with
timestained fronts and windows that seemed to have shared the lot of eyes in
mortals and to have grown dim and sunken with age Six seven eight stories
high were the houses story piled above story as children build with cards
throwing their dark shadows over the roughly paved road and making the dark
night darker A few oil lamps were scattered at long distances but they only
served to mark the dirty entrance to some narrow close or to show where a
common stair communicated by steep and intricate windings with the various
flats above Glancing at all these things with the air of a man who had seen
them too often before to think them worthy of much notice now my uncle walked
up the middle of the street with a thumb in each waistcoat pocket indulging
from time to time in various snatches of song chaunted forth with such good
will and spirit that the quiet honest folk started from their first sleep and
lay trembling in bed till the sound died away in the distance when satisfying
themselves that it was only some drunken neerdo finding his way home they
covered themselves up warm and fell asleep again
I am particular in describing how my uncle walked up the middle of the
street with his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets gentlemen because as he
often used to say and with great reason too there is nothing at all
extraordinary in this story unless you distinctly understand at the beginning
that he was not by any means of a marvellous or romantic turn
Gentlemen my uncle walked on with his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets
taking the middle of the street to himself and singing now a verse of a love
song and then a verse of a drinking one and when he was tired of both
whistling melodiously until he reached the North Bridge which at this point
connects the old and new towns of Edinburgh Here he stopped for a minute to
look at the strange irregular clusters of lights piled one above the other and
twinkling afar off so high that they looked like stars gleaming from the
castle walls on the one side and the Calton Hill on the other as if they
illuminated veritable castles in the air while the old picturesque town slept
heavily on in gloom and darkness below its palace and chapel of Holyrood
guarded day and night as a friend of my uncles used to say by old Arthurs
Seat towering surly and dark like some gruff genius over the ancient city he
has watched so long I say gentlemen my uncle stopped here for a minute to
look about him and then paying a compliment to the weather which had a little
cleared up though the moon was sinking walked on again as royally as before
keeping the middle of the road with great dignity and looking as if he would
very much like to meet with somebody who would dispute possession of it with
him There was nobody at all disposed to contest the point as it happened and
so on he went with his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets like a lamb
When my uncle reached the end of Leith Walk he had to cross a pretty large
piece of waste ground which separated him from a short street which he had to
turn down to go direct to his lodging Now in this piece of waste ground
there was at that time an enclosure belonging to some wheelwright who
contracted with the Postoffice for the purchase of old wornout mail coaches
and my uncle being very fond of coaches old young or middleaged all at
once took it into his head to step out of his road for no other purpose than to
peep between the palings at these mails about a dozen of which he remembered
to have seen crowded together in a very forlorn and dismantled state inside
My uncle was a very enthusiastic emphatic sort of person gentlemen so
finding that he could not obtain a good peep between the palings he got over
them and sitting himself quietly down on an old axletree began to contemplate
the mail coaches with a deal of gravity
There might be a dozen of them or there might be more my uncle was never
quite certain on this point and being a man of very scrupulous veracity about
numbers didnt like to say but there they stood all huddled together in the
most desolate condition imaginable The doors had been torn from their hinges
and removed the linings had been stripped off only a shred hanging here and
there by a rusty nail the lamps were gone the poles had long since vanished
the ironwork was rusty the paint was worn away the wind whistled through the
chinks in the bare wood work and the rain which had collected on the roofs
fell drop by drop into the insides with a hollow and melancholy sound They
were the decaying skeletons of departed mails and in that lonely place at that
time of night they looked chill and dismal
My uncle rested his head upon his hands and thought of the busy bustling
people who had rattled about years before in the old coaches and were now as
silent and changed he thought of the numbers of people to whom one of those
crazy mouldering vehicles had borne night after night for many years and
through all weathers the anxiously expected intelligence the eagerly
lookedfor remittance the promised assurance of health and safety the sudden
announcement of sickness and death The merchant the lover the wife the
widow the mother the schoolboy the very child who tottered to the door at the
postmans knock how had they all looked forward to the arrival of the old
coach And where were they all now
Gentlemen my uncle used to say that he thought all this at the time but I
rather suspect he learnt it out of some book afterwards for he distinctly
stated that he fell into a kind of doze as he sat on the old axletree looking
at the decayed mail coaches and that he was suddenly awakened by some deep
churchbell striking two Now my uncle was never a fast thinker and if he had
thought all these things I am quite certain it would have taken him till full
halfpast two oclock at the very least I am therefore decidedly of opinion
gentlemen that my uncle fell into the kind of doze without having thought
about any thing at all
Be this as it may a church bell struck two My uncle woke rubbed his
eyes and jumped up in astonishment
In one instant after the clock struck two the whole of this deserted and
quiet spot had become a scene of most extraordinary life and animation The mail
coach doors were on their hinges the lining was replaced the ironwork was as
good as new the paint was restored the lamps were alight cushions and great
coats were on every coach box porters were thrusting parcels into every boot
guards were stowing away letterbags hostlers were dashing pails of water
against the renovated wheels numbers of men were rushing about fixing poles
into every coach passengers arrived portmanteaus were handed up horses were
put to in short it was perfectly clear that every mail there was to be off
directly Gentlemen my uncle opened his eyes so wide at all this that to the
very last moment of his life he used to wonder how it fell out that he had ever
been able to shut em again
Now then said a voice as my uncle felt a hand on his shoulder Youre
booked for one inside Youd better get in
I booked said my uncle turning round
Yes certainly
My uncle gentlemen could say nothing he was so very much astonished The
queerest thing of all was that although there was such a crowd of persons and
although fresh faces were pouring in every moment there was no telling where
they came from They seemed to start up in some strange manner from the
ground or the air and disappear in the same way When a porter had put his
luggage in the coach and received his fare he turned round and was gone and
before my uncle had well begun to wonder what had become of him halfadozen
fresh ones started up and staggered along under the weight of parcels which
seemed big enough to crush them The passengers were all dressed so oddly too
Large broadskirted laced coats with great cuffs and no collars and wigs
gentlemen great formal wigs with a tie behind My uncle could make nothing of
it
Now are you going to get in said the person who had addressed my uncle
before He was dressed as a mail guard with a wig on his head and most enormous
cuffs to his coat and had a lantern in one hand and a huge blunderbuss in the
other which he was going to stow away in his little armchest Are you going to
get in Jack Martin said the guard holding the lantern to my uncles face
Hallo said my uncle falling back a step or two Thats familiar
Its so on the waybill replied the guard
Isnt there a »Mister« before it said my uncle For he felt gentlemen
that for a guard he didnt know to call him Jack Martin was a liberty which
the Postoffice wouldnt have sanctioned if they had known it
No there is not rejoined the guard coolly
Is the fare paid inquired my uncle
Of course it is rejoined the guard
It is is it said my uncle Then here goes Which coach
This said the guard pointing to an oldfashioned Edinburgh and London
Mail which had the steps down and the door open Stop Here are the other
passengers Let them get in first
As the guard spoke there all at once appeared right in front of my uncle
a young gentleman in a powdered wig and a skyblue coat trimmed with silver
made very full and broad in the skirts which were lined with buckram Tiggin
and Welps were in the printed calico and waistcoat piece line gentlemen so my
uncle knew all the materials at once He wore knee breeches and a kind of
leggings rolled up over his silk stockings and shoes with buckles he had
ruffles at his wrists a threecornered hat on his head and a long taper sword
by his side The flaps of his waistcoat came half way down his thighs and the
ends of his cravat reached to his waist He stalked gravely to the coachdoor
pulled off his hat and held it above his head at arms length cocking his
little finger in the air at the same time as some affected people do when they
take a cup of tea Then he drew his feet together and made a low grave bow and
then put out his left hand My uncle was just going to step forward and shake
it heartily when he perceived that these attentions were directed not towards
him but to a young lady who just then appeared at the foot of the steps
attired in an oldfashioned green velvet dress with a long waist and stomacher
She had no bonnet on her head gentlemen which was muffled in a black silk
hood but she looked round for an instant as she prepared to get into the coach
and such a beautiful face as she disclosed my uncle had never seen not even
in a picture She got into the coach holding up her dress with one hand and
as my uncle always said with a round oath when he told the story he wouldnt
have believed it possible that legs and feet could have been brought to such a
state of perfection unless he had seen them with his own eyes
But in this one glimpse of the beautiful face my uncle saw that the young
lady cast an imploring look upon him and that she appeared terrified and
distressed He noticed too that the young fellow in the powdered wig
notwithstanding his show of gallantry which was all very fine and grand
clasped her tight by the wrist when she got in and followed himself immediately
afterwards An uncommonly illlooking fellow in a close brown wig and a
plumcoloured suit wearing a very large sword and boots up to his hips
belonged to the party and when he sat himself down next to the young lady who
shrunk into a corner at his approach my uncle was confirmed in his original
impression that something dark and mysterious was going forward or as he
always said himself that there was a screw loose somewhere Its quite
surprising how quickly he made up his mind to help the lady at any peril if she
needed help
Death and lightning exclaimed the young gentleman laying his hand upon his
sword as my uncle entered the coach
Blood and thunder roared the other gentleman With this he whipped his
sword out and made a lunge at my uncle without further ceremony My uncle had
no weapon about him but with great dexterity he snatched the illlooking
gentlemans threecornered hat from his head and receiving the point of his
sword right through the crown squeezed the sides together and held it tight
Pink him behind cried the illlooking gentleman to his companion as he
struggled to regain his sword
He had better not cried my uncle displaying the heel of one of his shoes
in a threatening manner Ill kick his brains out if he has any or fracture
his skull if he hasnt Exerting all his strength at this moment my uncle
wrenched the illlooking mans sword from his grasp and flung it clean out of
the coachwindow upon which the younger gentleman vociferated Death and
lightning again and laid his hand upon the hilt of his sword in a very fierce
manner but didnt draw it Perhaps gentlemen as my uncle used to say with a
smile perhaps he was afraid of alarming the lady
Now gentlemen said my uncle taking his seat deliberately I dont want to
have any death with or without lightning in a ladys presence and we have had
quite blood and thundering enough for one journey so if you please well sit
in our places like quiet insides Here guard pick up that gentlemans
carvingknife
As quickly as my uncle said the words the guard appeared at the
coachwindow with the gentlemans sword in his hand He held up his lantern
and looked earnestly in my uncles face as he handed it in when by its light
my uncle saw to his great surprise that an immense crowd of mailcoach guards
swarmed round the window every one of whom had his eyes earnestly fixed upon
him too He had never seen such a sea of white faces red bodies and earnest
eyes in all his born days
This is the strangest sort of thing I ever had anything to do with thought
my uncle allow me to return you your hat sir
The illlooking gentleman received his threecornered hat in silence looked
at the hole in the middle with an inquiring air and finally stuck it on the top
of his wig with a solemnity the effect of which was a trifle impaired by his
sneezing violently at the moment and jerking it off again
All right cried the guard with the lantern mounting into his little seat
behind Away they went My uncle peeped out of the coachwindow as they emerged
from the yard and observed that the other mails with coachmen guards horses
and passengers complete were driving round and round in circles at a slow
trot of about five miles an hour My uncle burnt with indignation gentlemen As
a commercial man he felt that the mail bags were not to be trifled with and he
resolved to memorialise the Postoffice on the subject the very instant he
reached London
At present however his thoughts were occupied with the young lady who sat
in the farthest corner of the coach with her face muffled closely in her hood
the gentleman with the skyblue coat sitting opposite to her the other man in
the plumcoloured suit by her side and both watching her intently If she so
much as rustled the folds of her hood he could hear the illlooking man clap
his hand upon his sword and could tell by the others breathing it was so dark
he couldnt see his face that he was looking as big as if he were going to
devour her at a mouthful This roused my uncle more and more and he resolved
come what come might to see the end of it He had a great admiration for bright
eyes and sweet faces and pretty legs and feet in short he was fond of the
whole sex It runs in our family gentlemen so am I
Many were the devices which my uncle practised to attract the ladys
attention or at all events to engage the mysterious gentlemen in conversation
They were all in vain the gentlemen wouldnt talk and the lady didnt dare He
thrust his head out of the coachwindow at intervals and bawled out to know why
they didnt go faster But he called till he was hoarse nobody paid the least
attention to him He leant back in the coach and thought of the beautiful face
and the feet and legs This answered better it whiled away the time and kept
him from wondering where he was going and how it was that he found himself in
such an odd situation Not that this would have worried him much any way he
was a mighty free and easy roving devilmaycare sort of person was my uncle
gentlemen
All of a sudden the coach stopped Hallo said my uncle Whats in the wind
now
Alight here said the guard letting down the steps
Here cried my uncle
Here rejoined the guard
Ill do nothing of the sort said my uncle
Very well then stop where you are said the guard
I will said my uncle
Do said the guard
The other passengers had regarded this colloquy with great attention and
finding that my uncle was determined not to alight the younger man squeezed
past him to hand the lady out At this moment the illlooking man was
inspecting the hole in the crown of his threecornered hat As the young lady
brushed past she dropped one of her gloves into my uncles hand and softly
whispered with her lips so close to his face that he felt her warm breath on
his nose the single word Help Gentlemen my uncle leaped out of the coach at
once with such violence that it rocked on the springs again
Oh Youve thought better of it have you said the guard when he saw my
uncle standing on the ground
My uncle looked at the guard for a few seconds in some doubt whether it
wouldnt be better to wrench his blunderbuss from him fire it in the face of
the man with the big sword knock the rest of the company over the head with the
stock snatch up the young lady and go off in the smoke On second thoughts
however he abandoned this plan as being a shade too melodramatic in the
execution and followed the two mysterious men who keeping the lady between
them were now entering an old house in front of which the coach had stopped
They turned into the passage and my uncle followed
Of all the ruinous and desolate places my uncle had ever beheld this was
the most so It looked as if it had once been a large house of entertainment
but the roof had fallen in in many places and the stairs were steep rugged
and broken There was a huge fireplace in the room into which they walked and
the chimney was blackened with smoke but no warm blaze lighted it up now The
white feathery dust of burnt wood was still strewed over the hearth but the
stove was cold and all was dark and gloomy
Well said my uncle as he looked about him A mail travelling at the rate
of six miles and a half an hour and stopping for an indefinite time at such a
hole as this is rather an irregular sort of proceeding I fancy This shall be
made known Ill write to the papers
My uncle said this in a pretty loud voice and in an open unreserved sort of
manner with the view of engaging the two strangers in conversation if he could
But neither of them took any more notice of him than whispering to each other
and scowling at him as they did so The lady was at the farther end of the room
and once she ventured to wave her hand as if beseeching my uncles assistance
At length the two strangers advanced a little and the conversation began in
earnest
You dont know this is a private room I suppose fellow said the gentleman
in skyblue
No I do not fellow rejoined my uncle Only if this is a private room
specially ordered for the occasion I should think the public room must be a
very comfortable one with this my uncle sat himself down in a highbacked
chair and took such an accurate measure of the gentleman with his eyes that
Tiggin and Welps could have supplied him with printed calico for a suit and not
an inch too much or too little from that estimate alone
Quit this room said both the men together grasping their swords
Eh said my uncle not at all appearing to comprehend their meaning
Quit the room or you are a dead man said the illlooking fellow with the
large sword drawing it at the same time and flourishing it in the air
Down with him cried the gentleman in skyblue drawing his sword also and
falling back two or three yards Down with him The lady gave a loud scream
Now my uncle was always remarkable for great boldness and great presence
of mind All the time that he had appeared so indifferent to what was going on
he had been looking slyly about for some missile or weapon of defence and at
the very instant when the swords were drawn he espied standing in the chimney
corner an old baskethilted rapier in a rusty scabbard At one bound my uncle
caught it in his hand drew it flourished it gallantly above his head called
aloud to the lady to keep out of the way hurled the chair at the man in
skyblue and the scabbard at the man in plumcolour and taking advantage of
the confusion fell upon them both pellmell
Gentlemen there is an old story none the worse for being true regarding
a fine young Irish gentleman who being asked if he could play the fiddle
replied he had no doubt he could but he couldnt exactly say for certain
because he had never tried This is not inapplicable to my uncle and his
fencing He had never had a sword in his hand before except once when he played
Richard the Third at a private theatre upon which occasion it was arranged with
Richmond that he was to be run through from behind without showing fight at
all But here he was cutting and slashing with two experienced swordsmen
thrusting and guarding and poking and slicing and acquitting himself in the
most manful and dexterous manner possible although up to that time he had never
been aware that he had the least notion of the science. It only shows how true
the old saying is that a man never knows what he can do till he tries
gentlemen
»The noise of the combat was terrific each of the three combatants swearing
like troopers and their swords clashing with as much noise as if all the knives
and steels in Newport market were rattling together at the same time When it
was at its very height the lady to encourage my uncle most probably withdrew
her hood entirely from her face and disclosed a countenance of such dazzling
beauty that he would have fought against fifty men to win one smile from it
and die He had done wonders before but now he began to powder away like a
raving mad giant
At this very moment the gentleman in skyblue turning round and seeing the
young lady with her face uncovered vented an exclamation of rage and jealousy
and turning his weapon against her beautiful bosom pointed a thrust at her
heart which caused my uncle to utter a cry of apprehension that made the
building ring The lady stepped lightly aside and snatching the young mans
sword from his hand before he had recovered his balance drove him to the wall
and running it through him and the panelling up to the very hilt pinned him
there hard and fast It was a splendid example My uncle with a loud shout of
triumph and a strength that was irresistible made his adversary retreat in the
same direction and plunging the old rapier into the very centre of a large red
flower in the pattern of his waistcoat nailed him beside his friend there they
both stood gentlemen jerking their arms and legs about in agony like the
toyshop figures that are moved by a piece of packthread My uncle always said
afterwards that this was one of the surest means he knew of for disposing of
an enemy but it was liable to one objection on the ground of expense inasmuch
as it involved the loss of a sword for every man disabled
The mail the mail cried the lady running up to my uncle and throwing her
beautiful arms round his neck we may yet escape
May cried my uncle why my dear theres nobody else to kill is there My
uncle was rather disappointed gentlemen for he thought a little quiet bit of
lovemaking would be agreeable after the slaughtering if it were only to change
the subject
We have not an instant to lose here said the young lady He pointing to
the young gentleman in skyblue is the only son of the powerful Marquess of
Filletoville
Well then my dear Im afraid hell never come to the title said my
uncle looking coolly at the young gentleman as he stood fixed up against the
wall in the cockchafer fashion I have described You have cut off the entail
my love
I have been torn from my home and friends by these villains said the young
lady her features glowing with indignation That wretch would have married me
by violence in another hour
Confound his impudence said my uncle bestowing a very contemptuous look on
the dying heir of Filletoville
As you may guess from what you have seen said the young lady the party
were prepared to murder me if I appealed to any one for assistance If their
accomplices find us here we are lost Two minutes hence may be too late The
mail With these words overpowered by her feelings and the exertion of
sticking the young Marquess of Filletoville she sunk into my uncles arms My
uncle caught her up and bore her to the housedoor There stood the mail with
four longtailed flowingmaned black horses ready harnessed but no coachman
no guard no hostler even at the horses heads
Gentlemen I hope I do no injustice to my uncles memory when I express my
opinion that although he was a bachelor he had held some ladies in his arms
before this time I believe indeed that he had rather a habit of kissing
barmaids and I know that in one or two instances he had been seen by credible
witnesses to hug a landlady in a very perceptible manner I mention the
circumstance to show what a very uncommon sort of person this beautiful young
lady must have been to have affected my uncle in the way she did he used to
say that as her long dark hair trailed over his arm and her beautiful dark
eyes fixed themselves upon his face when she recovered he felt so strange and
nervous that his legs trembled beneath him But who can look in a sweet soft
pair of dark eyes without feeling queer I cant gentlemen I am afraid to
look at some eyes I know and thats the truth of it
You will never leave me murmured the young lady
Never said my uncle And he meant it too
My dear preserver exclaimed the young lady My dear kind brave preserver
Dont said my uncle interrupting her
Why inquired the young lady
Because your mouth looks so beautiful when you speak rejoined my uncle
that Im afraid I shall be rude enough to kiss it
The young lady put up her hand as if to caution my uncle not to do so and
said no she didnt say anything she smiled When you are looking at a pair
of the most delicious lips in the world and see them gently break into a
roguish smile if you are very near them and nobody else by you cannot
better testify your admiration of their beautiful form and colour than by
kissing them at once My uncle did so and I honour him for it
Hark cried the young lady starting The noise of wheels and horses
So it is said my uncle listening He had a good ear for wheels and the
trampling of hoofs but there appeared to be so many horses and carriages
rattling towards them from a distance that it was impossible to form a guess
at their number The sound was like that of fifty breaks with six blood cattle
in each
We are pursued cried the young lady clasping her hands We are pursued I
have no hope but in you
There was such an expression of terror in her beautiful face that my uncle
made up his mind at once He lifted her into the coach told her not to be
frightened pressed his lips to hers once more and then advising her to draw up
the window to keep the cold air out mounted to the box
Stay love cried the young lady
Whats the matter said my uncle from the coachbox
I want to speak to you said the young lady only a word Only one word
dearest
Must I get down inquired my uncle The lady made no answer but she smiled
again Such a smile gentlemen It beat the other one all to nothing My uncle
descended from his perch in a twinkling
What is it my dear said my uncle looking in at the coach window The lady
happened to bend forward at the same time and my uncle thought she looked more
beautiful than she had done yet He was very close to her just then gentlemen
so he really ought to know
What is it my dear said my uncle
Will you never love any one but me never marry any one beside said the
young lady
My uncle swore a great oath that he never would marry any body else and the
young lady drew in her head and pulled up the window He jumped upon the box
squared his elbows adjusted the ribands seized the whip which lay on the roof
gave one flick to the off leader and away went the four longtailed
flowingmaned black horses at fifteen good English miles an hour with the old
mail coach behind them Whew How they tore along
The noise behind grew louder The faster the old mail went the faster came
the pursuers men horses dogs were leagued in the pursuit The noise was
frightful but above all rose the voice of the young lady urging my uncle on
and shrieking Faster Faster
They whirled past the dark trees as feathers would be swept before a
hurricane Houses gates churches haystacks objects of every kind they shot
by with a velocity and noise like roaring waters suddenly let loose Still the
noise of pursuit grew louder and still my uncle could hear the young lady
wildly screaming Faster Faster
My uncle plied whip and rein and the horses flew onward till they were
white with foam and yet the noise behind increased and yet the young lady
cried Faster Faster My uncle gave a loud stamp on the boot in the energy of
the moment and found that it was grey morning and he was sitting in the
wheelwrights yard on the box of an old Edinburgh mail shivering with the cold
and wet and stamping his feet to warm them He got down and looked eagerly
inside for the beautiful young lady Alas There was neither door nor seat to
the coach It was a mere shell
Of course my uncle knew very well that there was some mystery in the
matter and that everything had passed exactly as he used to relate it He
remained staunch to the great oath he had sworn to the beautiful young lady
refusing several eligible landladies on her account and dying a bachelor at
last He always said what a curious thing it was that he should have found out
by such a mere accident as his clambering over the palings that the ghosts of
mailcoaches and horses guards coachmen and passengers were in the habit of
making journeys regularly every night He used to add that he believed he was
the only living person who had ever been taken as a passenger on one of these
excursions And I think he was right gentlemen at least I never heard of any
other«
»I wonder what these ghosts of mailcoaches carry in their bags« said the
landlord who had listened to the whole story with profound attention
»The dead letters of course« said the Bagman
»Oh ah To be sure« rejoined the landlord »I never thought of that«
Chapter L
How Mr Pickwick Sped upon His Mission and How He Was Reinforced in the Outset
by a Most Unexpected Auxiliary
The horses were put to punctually at a quarter before nine next morning and
Mr Pickwick and Sam Weller having each taken his seat the one inside and the
other out the postillion was duly directed to repair in the first instance to
Mr Bob Sawyers house for the purpose of taking up Mr Benjamin Allen
It was with feelings of no small astonishment when the carriage drew up
before the door with the red lamp and the very legible inscription of »Sawyer
late Nockemorf« that Mr Pickwick saw on popping his head out of the
coachwindow the boy in the grey livery very busily employed in putting up the
shutters the which being an unusual and an unbusinesslike proceeding at that
hour of the morning at once suggested to his mind two inferences the one
that some good friend and patient of Mr Bob Sawyers was dead the other that
Mr Bob Sawyer himself was bankrupt
»What is the matter« said Mr Pickwick to the boy
»Nothings the matter sir« replied the boy expanding his mouth to the
whole breadth of his countenance
»All right all right« cried Bob Sawyer suddenly appearing at the door
with a small leathern knapsack limp and dirty in one hand and a rough coat
and shawl thrown over the other arm »Im going old fellow«
»You« exclaimed Mr Pickwick
»Yes« replied Bob Sawyer »and a regular expedition well make of it Here
Sam Look out« Thus briefly bespeaking Mr Wellers attention Mr Bob Sawyer
jerked the leathern knapsack into the dickey where it was immediately stowed
away under the seat by Sam who regarded the proceeding with great admiration
This done Mr Bob Sawyer with the assistance of the boy forcibly worked
himself into the rough coat which was a few sizes too small for him and then
advancing to the coach window thrust in his head and laughed boisterously
»What a start it is isnt it« cried Bob wiping the tears out of his eyes
with one of the cuffs of the rough coat
»My dear sir« said Mr Pickwick with some embarrassment »I had no idea of
your accompanying us«
»No thats just the very thing« replied Bob seizing Mr Pickwick by the
lappel of his coat »Thats the joke«
»Oh thats the joke« said Mr Pickwick
»Of course« replied Bob »Its the whole point of the thing you know
that and leaving the business to take care of itself, as it seems to have made
up its mind not to take care of me« With this explanation of the phenomenon of
the shutters Mr Bob Sawyer pointed to the shop and relapsed into an ecstasy
of mirth
»Bless me you are surely not mad enough to think of leaving your patients
without anybody to attend them« remonstrated Mr Pickwick in a very serious
tone
»Why not« asked Bob in reply »I shall save by it you know None of them
ever pay Besides« said Bob lowering his voice to a confidential whisper
»they will be all the better for it for being nearly out of drugs and not
able to increase my account just now I should have been obliged to give them
calomel all round and it would have been certain to have disagreed with some of
them So its all for the best«
There was a philosophy and a strength of reasoning, about this reply which
Mr Pickwick was not prepared for He paused a few moments and added less
firmly than before
»But this chaise my young friend will only hold two and I am pledged to
Mr Allen«
»Dont think of me for a minute« replied Bob »Ive arranged it all Sam
and I will share the dickey between us Look here This little bill is to be
wafered on the shop door Sawyer late Nockemorf Enquire of Mrs Cripps over
the way Mrs Cripps is my boys mother Mr Sawyers very sorry says Mrs
Cripps couldnt help it fetched away early this morning to a consultation of
the very first surgeons in the country couldnt do without him would have
him at any price tremendous operation The fact is« said Bob in conclusion
»itll do me more good than otherwise I expect If it gets into one of the
local papers it will be the making of me Heres Ben now then jump in«
With these hurried words Mr Bob Sawyer pushed the postboy on one side
jerked his friend into the vehicle slammed the door put up the steps wafered
the bill on the street door locked it put the key in his pocket jumped into
the dickey gave the word for starting and did the whole with such
extraordinary precipitation that before Mr Pickwick had well began to consider
whether Mr Bob Sawyer ought to go or not they were rolling away with Mr Bob
Sawyer thoroughly established as part and parcel of the equipage
So long as their progress was confined to the streets of Bristol the
facetious Bob kept his professional green spectacles on and conducted himself
with becoming steadiness and gravity of demeanour merely giving utterance to
divers verbal witticisms for the exclusive behoof and entertainment of Mr
Samuel Weller But when they emerged on the open road he threw off his green
spectacles and his gravity together and performed a great variety of practical
jokes which were calculated to attract the attention of the passersby and to
render the carriage and those it contained objects of more than ordinary
curiosity the least conspicuous among these feats being a most vociferous
imitation of a keybugle and the ostentatious display of a crimson silk
pockethandkerchief attached to a walkingstick which was occasionally waved in
the air with various gestures indicative of supremacy and defiance
»I wonder« said Mr Pickwick stopping in the midst of a most sedate
conversation with Ben Allen bearing reference to the numerous good qualities of
Mr Winkle and his sister »I wonder what all the people we pass can see in us
to make them stare so«
»Its a neat turnout« replied Ben Allen with something of pride in his
tone »Theyre not used to see this sort of thing every day I dare say«
»Possibly« replied Mr Pickwick »It may be so Perhaps it is«
Mr Pickwick might very probably have reasoned himself into the belief that
it really was had he not just then happening to look out of the coach window
observed that the looks of the passengers betokened anything but respectful
astonishment and that various telegraphic communications appeared to be passing
between them and some persons outside the vehicle whereupon it occurred to him
that these demonstrations might be in some remote degree referable to the
humorous deportment of Mr Robert Sawyer
»I hope« said Mr Pickwick »that our volatile friend is committing no
absurdities in that dickey behind«
»Oh dear no« replied Ben Allen »Except when hes elevated Bobs the
quietest creature breathing«
Here a prolonged imitation of a keybugle broke upon the ear succeeded by
cheers and screams all of which evidently proceeded from the throat and lungs
of the quietest creature breathing or in plainer designation of Mr Bob Sawyer
himself
Mr Pickwick and Mr Ben Allen looked expressively at each other and the
former gentleman taking off his hat and leaning out of the coachwindow until
nearly the whole of his waistcoat was outside it was at length enabled to catch
a glimpse of his facetious friend
Mr Bob Sawyer was seated not in the dickey but on the roof of the chaise
with his legs as far asunder as they would conveniently go wearing Mr Samuel
Wellers hat on one side of his head and bearing in one hand a most enormous
sandwich while in the other he supported a goodlysized case bottle to both
of which he applied himself with intense relish varying the monotony of the
occupation by an occasional howl or the interchange of some lively badinage
with any passing stranger The crimson flag was carefully tied in an erect
position to the rail of the dickey and Mr Samuel Weller decorated with Bob
Sawyers hat was seated in the centre thereof discussing a twin sandwich with
an animated countenance the expression of which betokened his entire and
perfect approval of the whole arrangement
This was enough to irritate a gentleman with Mr Pickwicks sense of
propriety but it was not the whole extent of the aggravation for a stagecoach
full inside and out was meeting them at the moment and the astonishment of
the passengers was very palpably evinced The congratulations of an Irish
family too who were keeping up with the chaise and begging all the time were
of rather a boisterous description especially those of its male head who
appeared to consider the display as part and parcel of some political or other
procession of triumph
»Mr Sawyer« cried Mr Pickwick in a state of great excitement »Mr
Sawyer sir«
»Hallo« responded that gentleman looking over the side of the chaise with
all the coolness in life
»Are you mad sir« demanded Mr Pickwick
»Not a bit of it« replied Bob »only cheerful«
»Cheerful sir« ejaculated Mr Pickwick »Take down that scandalous red
handkerchief I beg I insist sir Sam take it down«
Before Sam could interpose Mr Bob Sawyer gracefully struck his colours
and having put them in his pocket nodded in a courteous manner to Mr Pickwick
wiped the mouth of the casebottle and applied it to his own thereby informing
him without any unnecessary waste of words that he devoted that draught to
wishing him all manner of happiness and prosperity Having done this Bob
replaced the cork with great care and looking benignantly down on Mr Pickwick
took a large bite out of the sandwich and smiled
»Come« said Mr Pickwick whose momentary anger was not quite proof against
Bobs immovable selfpossession »pray let us have no more of this absurdity«
»No no« replied Bob once more exchanging hats with Mr Weller »I didnt
mean to do it only I got so enlivened with the ride that I couldnt help it«
»Think of the look of the thing« expostulated Mr Pickwick »have some
regard to appearances«
»Oh certainly« said Bob »its not the sort of thing at all All over
governor«
Satisfied with this assurance Mr Pickwick once more drew his head into the
chaise and pulled up the glass but he had scarcely resumed the conversation
which Mr Bob Sawyer had interrupted when he was somewhat startled by the
apparition of a small dark body of an oblong form on the outside of the
window which gave sundry taps against it as if impatient of admission
»Whats this« exclaimed Mr Pickwick
»It looks like a casebottle« remarked Ben Allen eyeing the object in
question through his spectacles with some interest »I rather think it belongs
to Bob«
The impression was perfectly accurate for Mr Bob Sawyer having attached
the casebottle to the end of the walkingstick was battering the window with
it in token of his wish that his friends inside would partake of its contents
in all good fellowship and harmony
»Whats to be done« said Mr Pickwick looking at the bottle »This
proceeding is more absurd than the other«
»I think it would be best to take it in« replied Mr Ben Allen »it would
serve him right to take it in and keep it wouldnt it«
»It would« said Mr Pickwick »shall I«
»I think it the most proper course we could possibly adopt« replied Ben
This advice quite coinciding with his own opinion Mr Pickwick gently let
down the window and disengaged the bottle from the stick upon which the latter
was drawn up and Mr Bob Sawyer was heard to laugh heartily
»What a merry dog it is« said Mr Pickwick looking round at his companion
with the bottle in his hand
»He is« said Mr Allen
»You cannot possibly be angry with him« remarked Mr Pickwick
»Quite out of the question« observed Benjamin Allen
During this short interchange of sentiments Mr Pickwick had in an
abstracted mood uncorked the bottle
»What is it« inquired Ben Allen carelessly
»I dont know« replied Mr Pickwick with equal carelessness »It smells I
think like milkpunch«
»Oh indeed« said Ben
»I think so« rejoined Mr Pickwick very properly guarding himself against
the possibility of stating an untruth »mind I could not undertake to say
certainly without tasting it«
»You had better do so« said Ben »we may as well know what it is«
»Do you think so« replied Mr Pickwick »Well if you are curious to know
of course I have no objection«
Ever willing to sacrifice his own feelings to the wishes of his friend Mr
Pickwick at once took a pretty long taste
»What is it« inquired Ben Allen interrupting him with some impatience
»Curious« said Mr Pickwick smacking his lips »I hardly know now Oh
yes« said Mr Pickwick after a second taste »It is punch«
Mr Ben Allen looked at Mr Pickwick Mr Pickwick looked at Mr Ben Allen
Mr Ben Allen smiled Mr Pickwick did not
»It would serve him right« said the lastnamed gentleman with some
severity »it would serve him right to drink it every drop«
»The very thing that occurred to me« said Ben Allen
»Is it indeed« rejoined Mr Pickwick »Then heres his health« With these
words that excellent person took a most energetic pull at the bottle and
handed it to Ben Allen who was not slow to imitate his example The smiles
became mutual and the milkpunch was gradually and cheerfully disposed of
»After all« said Mr Pickwick as he drained the last drop »his pranks are
really very amusing very entertaining indeed«
»You may say that« rejoined Mr Ben Allen In proof of Bob Sawyers being
one of the funniest fellows alive he proceeded to entertain Mr Pickwick with a
long and circumstantial account how that gentleman once drank himself into a
fever and got his head shaved the relation of which pleasant and agreeable
history was only stopped by the stoppage of the chaise at the Bell at Berkeley
Heath to change horses
»I say Were going to dine here arent we« said Bob looking in at the
window
»Dine« said Mr Pickwick »Why we have only come nineteen miles and have
eightyseven and a half to go«
»Just the reason why we should take something to enable us to bear up
against the fatigue« remonstrated Mr Bob Sawyer
»Oh its quite impossible to dine at halfpast eleven oclock in the day«
replied Mr Pickwick looking at his watch
»So it is« rejoined Bob »lunch is the very thing Hallo you sir Lunch
for three directly and keep the horses back for a quarter of an hour Tell
them to put everything they have cold on the table and some bottled ale and
let us taste your very best Madeira« Issuing these orders with monstrous
importance and bustle Mr Bob Sawyer at once hurried into the house to
superintend the arrangements in less than five minutes he returned and declared
them to be excellent
The quality of the lunch fully justified the eulogium which Bob had
pronounced and very great justice was done to it not only by that gentleman
but Mr Ben Allen and Mr Pickwick also Under the auspices of the three the
bottled ale and the Madeira were promptly disposed of and when the horses
being once more put to they resumed their seats with the casebottle full of
the best substitute for milkpunch that could be procured on so short a notice
the keybugle sounded and the red flag waved without the slightest opposition
on Mr Pickwicks part
At the Hop Pole at Tewkesbury they stopped to dine upon which occasion
there was more bottled ale with some more Madeira and some Port besides and
here the casebottle was replenished for the fourth time Under the influence of
these combined stimulants Mr Pickwick and Mr Ben Allen fell fast asleep for
thirty miles while Bob and Mr Weller sang duets in the dickey
It was quite dark when Mr Pickwick roused himself sufficiently to look out
of window The straggling cottages by the roadside the dingy hue of every
object visible the murky atmosphere the paths of cinders and brickdust the
deepred glow of furnace fires in the distance the volumes of dense smoke
issuing heavily forth from high toppling chimneys blackening and obscuring
everything around the glare of distant lights the ponderous waggons which
toiled along the road laden with clashing rods of iron or piled with heavy
goods all betokened their rapid approach to the great working town of
Birmingham
As they rattled through the narrow thoroughfares leading to the heart of the
turmoil the sights and sounds of earnest occupation struck more forcibly on the
senses. The streets were thronged with workingpeople The hum of labour
resounded from every house lights gleamed from the long casement windows in the
attic stories and the whirl of wheels and noise of machinery shook the
trembling walls The fires whose lurid sullen light had been visible for miles
blazed fiercely up in the great works and factories of the town The din of
hammers the rushing of steam and the dead heavy clanking of engines was the
harsh music which arose from every quarter
The postboy was driving briskly through the open streets and past the
handsome and welllighted shops which intervene between the outskirts of the
town and the Old Royal Hotel before Mr Pickwick had begun to consider the very
difficult and delicate nature of the commission which had carried him thither
The delicate nature of this commission and the difficulty of executing it
in a satisfactory manner were by no means lessened by the voluntary
companionship of Mr Bob Sawyer Truth to tell Mr Pickwick felt that his
presence on the occasion however considerate and gratifying was by no means an
honour he would willingly have sought in fact he would cheerfully have given a
reasonable sum of money to have had Mr Bob Sawyer removed to any place at not
less than fifty miles distance without delay
Mr Pickwick had never held any personal communication with Mr Winkle
senior although he had once or twice corresponded with him by letter and
returned satisfactory answers to his inquiries concerning the moral character
and behaviour of his son he felt nervously sensible that to wait upon him for
the first time attended by Bob Sawyer and Ben Allen both slightly fuddled was
not the most ingenious and likely means that could have been hit upon to
prepossess him in his favour
»However« said Mr Pickwick endeavouring to reassure himself »I must do
the best I can I must see him tonight for I faithfully promised to do so If
they persist in accompanying me I must make the interview as brief as possible
and be content to hope that for their own sakes they will not expose
themselves«
As he comforted himself with these reflections the chaise stopped at the
door of the Old Royal Ben Allen having been partially awakened from a
stupendous sleep and dragged out by the collar by Mr Samuel Weller Mr
Pickwick was enabled to alight They were shown to a comfortable apartment and
Mr Pickwick at once propounded a question to the waiter concerning the
whereabout of Mr Winkles residence
»Close by sir« said the waiter »not above five hundred yards sir Mr
Winkle is a wharfinger sir at the canal sir Private residence is not oh
dear no sir not five hundred yards sir« Here the waiter blew a candle out
and made a feint of lighting it again in order to afford Mr Pickwick an
opportunity of asking any further questions if he felt so disposed
»Take anything now sir« said the waiter lighting the candle in
desperation at Mr Pickwicks silence »Tea or coffee sir Dinner sir«
»Nothing now«
»Very good sir Like to order supper sir«
»Not just now«
»Very good sir« Here he walked softly to the door and then stopping
short turned round and said with great suavity
»Shall I send the chambermaid gentlemen«
»You may if you please« replied Mr Pickwick
»If you please sir«
»And bring some soda water« said Bob Sawyer
»Soda water sir Yes sir« With his mind apparently relieved from an
overwhelming weight by having at last got an order for something the waiter
imperceptibly melted away Waiters never walk or run They have a peculiar and
mysterious power of skimming out of rooms which other mortals possess not
Some slight symptoms of vitality having been awakened in Mr Ben Allen by
the soda water he suffered himself to be prevailed upon to wash his face and
hands and to submit to be brushed by Sam Mr Pickwick and Bob Sawyer having
also repaired the disorder which the journey had made in their apparel the
three started forth arm in arm to Mr Winkles Bob Sawyer impregnating the
atmosphere with tobacco smoke as he walked along
About a quarter of a mile off in a quiet substantiallooking street stood
an old redbrick house with three steps before the door and a brass plate upon
it bearing in fat Roman capitals the words Mr Winkle The steps were very
white and the bricks were very red and the house was very clean and here
stood Mr Pickwick Mr Benjamin Allen and Mr Bob Sawyer as the clock struck
ten
A smart servant girl answered the knock and started on beholding the three
strangers
»Is Mr Winkle at home my dear« inquired Mr Pickwick
»He is just going to supper sir« replied the girl
»Give him that card if you please« rejoined Mr Pickwick »Say I am sorry
to trouble him at so late an hour but I am anxious to see him tonight and
have only just arrived«
The girl looked timidly at Mr Bob Sawyer who was expressing his admiration
of her personal charms by a variety of wonderful grimaces and casting an eye at
the hats and great coats which hung in the passage called another girl to mind
the door while she went up stairs The sentinel was speedily relieved for the
girl returned immediately and begging pardon of the gentlemen for leaving them
in the street ushered them into a floorclothed back parlour half office and
half dressingroom in which the principal useful and ornamental articles of
furniture were a desk a washhand stand and shaving glass a bootrack and
bootjack a high stool four chairs a table and an old eightday clock Over
the mantelpiece were the sunken doors of an iron safe while a couple of
hanging shelves for books an almanack and several files of dusty papers
decorated the walls
»Very sorry to leave you standing at the door sir« said the girl lighting
a lamp and addressing Mr Pickwick with a winning smile »but you was quite
strangers to me and we have such a many trampers that only come to see what
they can lay their hands on that really «
»There is not the least occasion for any apology my dear« said Mr
Pickwick good humouredly
»Not the slightest my love« said Bob Sawyer playfully stretching forth
his arms and skipping from side to side as if to prevent the young ladys
leaving the room
The young lady was not at all softened by these allurements for she at once
expressed her opinion that Mr Bob Sawyer was an odous creetur and on his
becoming rather more pressing in his attentions imprinted her fair fingers upon
his face and bounced out of the room with many expressions of aversion and
contempt
Deprived of the young ladys society Mr Bob Sawyer proceeded to divert
himself by peeping into the desk looking into all the tabledrawers feigning
to pick the lock of the iron safe turning the almanack with its face to the
wall trying on the boots of Mr Winkle senior over his own and making
several other humorous experiments upon the furniture all of which afforded Mr
Pickwick unspeakable horror and agony and yielded Mr Bob Sawyer proportionate
delight
At length the door opened and a little old gentleman in a snuffcoloured
suit with a head and face the precise counterpart of those belonging to Mr
Winkle junior excepting that he was rather bald trotted into the room with
Mr Pickwicks card in one hand and a silver candlestick in the other
»Mr Pickwick sir how do you do« said Winkle the elder putting down the
candlestick and proffering his hand »Hope I see you well sir Glad to see you
Be seated Mr Pickwick I beg sir This gentleman is «
»My friend Mr Sawyer« interposed Mr Pickwick »your sons friend«
»Oh« said Mr Winkle the elder looking rather grimly at Bob »I hope you
are well sir«
»Right as a trivet sir« replied Bob Sawyer
»This other gentleman« cried Mr Pickwick »is as you will see when you
have read the letter with which I am entrusted a very near relative or I
should rather say a very particular friend of your sons His name is Allen«
»That gentleman« inquired Mr Winkle pointing with the card towards Ben
Allen who had fallen asleep in an attitude which left nothing of him visible
but his spine and his coat collar
Mr Pickwick was on the point of replying to the question and reciting Mr
Benjamin Allens name and honourable distinctions at full length when the
sprightly Mr Bob Sawyer with a view of rousing his friend to a sense of his
situation inflicted a startling pinch upon the fleshy part of his arm which
caused him to jump up with a shriek Suddenly aware that he was in the presence
of a stranger Mr Ben Allen advanced and shaking Mr Winkle most
affectionately by both hands for about five minutes murmured in some
halfintelligible fragments of sentences the great delight he felt in seeing
him and a hospitable inquiry whether he felt disposed to take anything after
his walk or would prefer waiting till dinnertime which done he sat down and
gazed about him with a petrified stare as if he had not the remotest idea where
he was which indeed he had not
All this was most embarrassing to Mr Pickwick the more especially as Mr
Winkle senior evinced palpable astonishment at the eccentric not to say
extraordinary behaviour of his two companions To bring the matter to an issue
at once he drew a letter from his pocket and presenting it to Mr Winkle
senior said
»This letter sir is from your son You will see by its contents that on
your favourable and fatherly consideration of it depend his future happiness
and welfare Will you oblige me by giving it the calmest and coolest perusal
and by discussing the subject afterwards with me in the tone and spirit in
which alone it ought to be discussed You may judge of the importance of your
decision to your son and his intense anxiety upon the subject by my waiting
upon you without any previous warning at so late an hour and« added Mr
Pickwick glancing slightly at his two companions »and under such unfavourable
circumstances«
With this prelude Mr Pickwick placed four closely written sides of extra
superfine wirewove penitence in the hands of the astounded Mr Winkle senior
Then reseating himself in his chair he watched his looks and manner anxiously
it is true but with the open front of a gentleman who feels he has taken no
part which he need excuse or palliate
The old wharfinger turned the letter over looked at the front back and
sides made a microscopic examination of the fat little boy on the seal raised
his eyes to Mr Pickwicks face and then seating himself on the high stool
and drawing the lamp closer to him broke the wax unfolded the epistle and
lifting it to the light prepared to read
Just at this moment Mr Bob Sawyer whose wit had lain dormant for some
minutes placed his hands upon his knees and made a face after the portraits of
the late Mr Grimaldi as clown It so happened that Mr Winkle senior instead
of being deeply engaged in reading the letter as Mr Bob Sawyer thought
chanced to be looking over the top of it at no less a person than Mr Bob Sawyer
himself rightly conjecturing that the face aforesaid was made in ridicule and
derision of his own person he fixed his eyes on Bob with such expressive
sternness that the late Mr Grimaldis lineaments gradually resolved themselves
into a very fine expression of humility and confusion
»Did you speak sir« inquired Mr Winkle senior after on awful silence
»No sir« replied Bob with no remains of the clown about him save and
except the extreme redness of his cheeks
»You are sure you did not sir« said Mr Winkle senior
»Oh dear yes sir quite« replied Bob
»I thought you did sir« rejoined the old gentleman with indignant
emphasis »Perhaps you looked at me sir«
»Oh no sir not at all« replied Bob with extreme civility
»I am very glad to hear it sir« said Mr Winkle senior Having frowned
upon the abashed Bob with great magnificence the old gentleman again brought
the letter to the light and began to read it seriously
Mr Pickwick eyed him intently as he turned from the bottom line of the
first page to the top line of the second and from the bottom of the second to
the top of the third and from the bottom of the third to the top of the fourth
but not the slightest alteration of countenance afforded a clue to the feelings
with which he received the announcement of his sons marriage which Mr
Pickwick knew was in the very first halfdozen lines
He read the letter to the last word folded it again with all the
carefulness and precision of a man of business and just when Mr Pickwick
expected some great outbreak of feeling dipped a pen in the inkstand and said
as quietly as if he were speaking on the most ordinary countinghouse topic
»What is Nathaniels address Mr Pickwick«
»The George and Vulture at present« replied that gentleman
»George and Vulture Where is that«
»George Yard Lombard Street«
»In the City«
»Yes«
The old gentleman methodically indorsed the address on the back of the
letter and then placing it in the desk which he locked said as he got off
the stool and put the bunch of keys in his pocket
»I suppose there is nothing else which need detain us Mr Pickwick«
»Nothing else my dear sir« observed that warmhearted person in indignant
amazement »Nothing else Have you no opinion to express on this momentous event
in our young friends life No assurance to convey to him through me of the
continuance of your affection and protection Nothing to say which will cheer
and sustain him and the anxious girl who looks to him for comfort and support
My dear sir consider«
»I will consider« replied the old gentleman »I have nothing to say just
now I am a man of business Mr Pickwick I never commit myself hastily in any
affair and from what I see of this I by no means like the appearance of it A
thousand pounds is not much Mr Pickwick«
»Youre very right sir« interposed Ben Allen just awake enough to know
that he had spent his thousand pounds without the smallest difficulty »Youre
an intelligent man Bob hes a very knowing fellow this«
»I am very happy to find that you do me the justice to make the admission
sir« said Mr Winkle senior looking contemptuously at Ben Allen who was
shaking his head profoundly »The fact is Mr Pickwick that when I gave my son
a roving license for a year or so to see something of men and manners which he
has done under your auspices so that he might not enter into life a mere
boardingschool milksop to be gulled by everybody I never bargained for this
He knows that very well so if I withdraw my countenance from him on this
account he has no call to be surprised He shall hear from me Mr Pickwick
Good night sir Margaret open the door«
All this time Bob Sawyer had been nudging Mr Ben Allen to say something on
the right side Ben accordingly now burst without the slightest preliminary
notice into a brief but impassioned piece of eloquence
»Sir« said Mr Ben Allen staring at the old gentleman out of a pair of
very dim and languid eyes and working his right arm vehemently up and down
»you you ought to be ashamed of yourself«
»As the ladys brother of course you are an excellent judge of the
question« retorted Mr Winkle senior »There thats enough Pray say no more
Mr Pickwick Good night gentlemen«
With these words the old gentleman took up the candlestick and opening the
room door politely motioned towards the passage
»You will regret this sir« said Mr Pickwick setting his teeth close
together to keep down his choler for he felt how important the effect might
prove to his young friend
»I am at present of a different opinion« calmly replied Mr Winkle senior
»Once again gentlemen I wish you a good night«
Mr Pickwick walked with angry strides into the street Mr Bob Sawyer
completely quelled by the decision of the old gentlemans manner took the same
course Mr Ben Allens hat rolled down the steps immediately afterwards and
Mr Ben Allens body followed it directly The whole party went silent and
supperless to bed and Mr Pickwick thought just before he fell asleep that if
he had known Mr Winkle senior had been quite so much of a man of business it
was extremely probable he might never have waited upon him on such an errand
Chapter LI
In Which Mr Pickwick Encounters an Old Acquaintance To Which Fortunate
Circumstance the Reader Is Mainly Indebted for Matter of Thrilling Interest
Herein Set Down Concerning Two Great Public Men of Might and Power
The morning which broke upon Mr Pickwicks sight at eight oclock was not at
all calculated to elevate his spirits or to lessen the depression which the
unlookedfor result of his embassy inspired The sky was dark and gloomy the
air was damp and raw the streets were wet and sloppy The smoke hung sluggishly
above the chimneytops as if it lacked the courage to rise and the rain came
slowly and doggedly down as if it had not even the spirit to pour A gamecock
in the stableyard deprived of every spark of his accustomed animation
balanced himself dismally on one leg in a corner a donkey moping with drooping
head under the narrow roof of an outhouse appeared from his meditative and
miserable countenance to be contemplating suicide In the street umbrellas were
the only things to be seen and the clicking of pattens and splashing of
raindrops were the only sounds to be heard
The breakfast was interrupted by very little conversation even Mr Bob
Sawyer felt the influence of the weather and the previous days excitement In
his own expressive language he was floored So was Mr Ben Allen So was Mr
Pickwick
In protracted expectation of the weather clearing up the last evening paper
from London was read and reread with an intensity of interest only known in
cases of extreme destitution every inch of the carpet was walked over with
similar perseverance the windows were looked out of often enough to justify
the imposition of an additional duty upon them all kinds of topics of
conversation were started and failed and at length Mr Pickwick when noon had
arrived without a change for the better rang the bell resolutely and ordered
out the chaise
Although the roads were miry and the drizzling rain came down harder than
it had done yet and although the mud and wet splashed in at the open windows of
the carriage to such an extent that the discomfort was almost as great to the
pair of insides as to the pair of outsides still there was something in the
motion and the sense of being up and doing which was so infinitely superior to
being pent in a dull room looking at the dull rain dripping into a dull street
that they all agreed on starting that the change was a great improvement and
wondered how they could possibly have delayed making it as long as they had
done
When they stopped to change at Coventry the steam ascended from the horses
in such clouds as wholly to obscure the hostler whose voice was however heard
to declare from the mist that he expected the first Gold Medal from the Humane
Society on their next distribution of rewards for taking the postboys hat off
the water descending from the brim of which the invisible gentleman declared
must inevitably have drowned him the postboy but for his great presence of
mind in tearing it promptly from his head and drying the gasping mans
countenance with a wisp of straw
»This is pleasant« said Bob Sawyer turning up his coat collar and pulling
the shawl over his mouth to concentrate the fumes of a glass of brandy just
swallowed
»Wery« replied Sam composedly
»You dont seem to mind it« observed Bob
»Vy I dont exactly see no good my mindin on it ud do sir« replied Sam
»Thats an unanswerable reason anyhow« said Bob
»Yes sir« rejoined Mr Weller »Wotever is is right as the young
nobleman sveetly remarked wen they put him down in the pension list cos his
mothers uncles vifes grandfather vunce lit the kings pipe vith a portable
tinderbox«
»Not a bad notion that Sam« said Mr Bob Sawyer approvingly
»Just wot the young nobleman said evry quarterday arterwards for the rest
of his life« replied Mr Weller
»Wos you ever called in« inquired Sam glancing at the driver after a
short silence and lowering his voice to a mysterious whisper »wos you ever
called in ven you wos prentice to a sawbones to wisit a postboy«
»I dont remember that I ever was« replied Bob Sawyer
»You never see a postboy in that ere hospital as you walked as they says
o the ghosts did you« demanded Sam
»No« replied Bob Sawyer »I dont think I ever did«
»Never knowd a churchyard were there wos a postboys tombstone or see a
dead postboy did you« inquired Sam pursuing his catechism
»No« rejoined Bob »I never did«
»No« rejoined Sam triumphantly »Nor never vill and theres another thing
that no man never see and thats a dead donkey No man never see a dead donkey
cept the genlmn in the black silk smalls as knowd the young ooman as kep a
goat and that wos a French donkey so wery likely he warnt wun o the reglar
breed«
»Well what has that got to do with the postboys« asked Bob Sawyer
»This here« replied Sam »Without goin so far as to assert as some wery
sensible people do that postboys and donkeys is both immortal wot I say is
this that wenever they feels theirselves gettin stiff and past their work
they just rides off together wun postboy to a pair in the usual way wot
becomes on em nobody knows but its wery probable as they starts avay to take
their pleasure in some other vorld for there aint a man alive as ever see
either a donkey or a postboy a takin his pleasure in this«
Expatiating upon this learned and remarkable theory and citing many curious
statistical and other facts in its support Sam Weller beguiled the time until
they reached Dunchurch where a dry postboy and fresh horses were procured the
next stage was Daventry and the next Towcester and at the end of each stage it
rained harder than it had done at the beginning
»I say« remonstrated Bob Sawyer looking in at the coach window as they
pulled up before the door of the Saracens Head Towcester »this wont do you
know«
»Bless me« said Mr Pickwick just awaking from a nap »Im afraid youre
wet«
»Oh you are are you« returned Bob »Yes I am a little that way
Uncomfortably damp perhaps«
Bob did look dampish inasmuch as the rain was streaming from his neck
elbows cuffs skirts and knees and his whole apparel shone so with the wet
that it might have been mistaken for a full suit of prepared oilskin
»I am rather wet« said Bob giving himself a shake and casting a little
hydraulic shower around like a Newfoundland dog just emerged from the water
»I think its quite impossible to go on tonight« interposed Ben
»Out of the question sir« remarked Sam Weller coming to assist in the
conference »its a cruelty to animals sir to ask em to do it Theres beds
here sir« said Sam addressing his master »everything clean and comfortable
Wery good little dinner sir they can get ready in half an hour pair of
fowls sir and a weal cutlet French beans taturs tart and tidiness Youd
better stop vere you are sir if I might recommend Take adwice sir as the
doctor said«
The host of the Saracens Head opportunely appeared at this moment to
confirm Mr Wellers statement relative to the accommodations of the
establishment and to back his entreaties with a variety of dismal conjectures
regarding the state of the roads the doubt of fresh horses being to be had at
the next stage the dead certainty of its raining all night the equally mortal
certainty of its clearing up in the morning and other topics of inducement
familiar to innkeepers
»Well« said Mr Pickwick »but I must send a letter to London by some
conveyance so that it may be delivered the very first thing in the morning or
I must go forward at all hazards«
The landlord smiled his delight Nothing could be easier than for the
gentleman to inclose a letter in a sheet of brown paper and send it on either
by the mail or the night coach from Birmingham If the gentleman were
particularly anxious to have it left as soon as possible he might write
outside »To be delivered immediately« which was sure to be attended to or
»pay the bearer halfacrown extra for instant delivery« which was surer still
»Very well« said Mr Pickwick »then we will stop here«
»Lights in the Sun John make up the fire the gentlemen are wet« cried
the landlord »This way gentlemen dont trouble yourselves about the postboy
now sir Ill send him to you when you ring for him sir Now John the
candles«
The candles were brought the fire was stirred up and a fresh log of wood
thrown on In ten minutes time a waiter was laying the cloth for dinner the
curtains were drawn the fire was blazing brightly and everything looked as
everything always does in all decent English inns as if the travellers had
been expected and their comforts prepared for days beforehand
Mr Pickwick sat down at a side table and hastily indited a note to Mr
Winkle merely informing him that he was detained by stress of weather but
would certainly be in London next day until when he deferred any account of his
proceedings This note was hastily made into a parcel and despatched to the bar
per Mr Samuel Weller
Sam left it with the landlady and was returning to pull his masters boots
off after drying himself by the kitchen fire when glancing casually through a
halfopened door he was arrested by the sight of a gentleman with a sandy head
who had a large bundle of newspapers lying on the table before him and was
perusing the leading article of one with a settled sneer which curled up his
nose and all his other features into a majestic expression of haughty contempt
»Hallo« said Sam »I ought to know that ere head and them features the
eyeglass too and the broad brimmed tile Eatansvill to vit or Im a Roman«
Sam was taken with a troublesome cough at once for the purpose of
attracting the gentlemans attention the gentleman starting at the sound
raised his head and his eyeglass and disclosed to view the profound and
thoughtful features of Mr Pott of the Eatanswill Gazette
»Beggin your pardon sir« said Sam advancing with a bow »my masters
here Mr Pott«
»Hush hush« cried Pott drawing Sam into the room and closing the door
with a countenance of mysterious dread and apprehension
»Wots the matter sir« inquired Sam looking vacantly about him
»Not a whisper of my name« replied Pott »this is a buff neighbourhood If
the excited and irritable populace knew I was here I should be torn to pieces«
»No Vould you sir« inquired Sam
»I should be the victim of their fury« replied Pott »Now young man what
of your master«
»Hes a stopping here tonight on his vay to town vith a couple of
friends« replied Sam
»Is Mr Winkle one of them« inquired Pott with a slight frown
»No sir Mr Vinkle stops at home now« rejoined Sam »Hes married«
»Married« exclaimed Pott with frightful vehemence He stopped smiled
darkly and added in a low vindictive tone »It serves him right«
Having given vent to this cruel ebullition of deadly malice and coldblooded
triumph over a fallen enemy Mr Pott inquired whether Mr Pickwicks friends
were blue Receiving a most satisfactory answer in the affirmative from Sam who
knew as much about the matter as Pott himself he consented to accompany him to
Mr Pickwicks room where a hearty welcome awaited him An agreement to club
dinners together was at once made and ratified
»And how are matters going on in Eatanswill« inquired Mr Pickwick when
Pott had taken a seat near the fire and the whole party had got their wet boots
off and dry slippers on »Is the Independent still in being«
»The Independent sir« replied Pott »is still dragging on a wretched and
lingering career Abhorred and despised by even the few who are cognizant of its
miserable and disgraceful existence stifled by the very filth it so profusely
scatters rendered deaf and blind by the exhalations of its own slime the
obscene journal happily unconscious of its degraded state is rapidly sinking
beneath that treacherous mud which while it seems to give it a firm standing
with the low and debased classes of society is nevertheless rising above its
detested head and will speedily engulf it for ever«
Having delivered this manifesto which formed a portion of his last weeks
leader with vehement articulation the editor paused to take breath and looked
majestically at Bob Sawyer
»You are a young man sir« said Pott
Mr Bob Sawyer nodded
»So are you sir« said Pott addressing Mr Ben Allen
Ben admitted the soft impeachment
»And are both deeply imbued with those blue principles which so long as I
live I have pledged myself to the people of these kingdoms to support and to
maintain« suggested Pott
»Why I dont exactly know about that« replied Bob Sawyer »I am «
»Not buff Mr Pickwick« interrupted Pott drawing back his chair »your
friend is not buff sir«
»No no« rejoined Bob »Im a kind of plaid at present a compound of all
sorts of colours«
»A waverer« said Pott solemnly »a waverer I should like to show you a
series of eight articles sir that have appeared in the Eatanswill Gazette I
think I may venture to say that you would not be long in establishing your
opinions on a firm and solid blue basis sir«
»I dare say I should turn very blue long before I got to the end of them«
responded Bob
Mr Pott looked dubiously at Bob Sawyer for some seconds and turning to
Mr Pickwick said
»You have seen the literary articles which have appeared at intervals in the
Eatanswill Gazette in the course of the last three months and which have
excited such general I may say such universal attention and admiration«
»Why« replied Mr Pickwick slightly embarrassed by the question »the fact
is I have been so much engaged in other ways that I really have not had an
opportunity of perusing them«
»You should do so sir« said Pott with a severe countenance
»I will« said Mr Pickwick
»They appeared in the form of a copious review of a work on Chinese
metaphysics sir« said Pott
»Oh« observed Mr Pickwick »from your pen I hope«
»From the pen of my critic sir« rejoined Pott with dignity
»An abstruse subject I should conceive« said Mr Pickwick
»Very sir« responded Pott looking intensely sage »He crammed for it to
use a technical but expressive term he read up for the subject at my desire
in the Encyclopoedia Britannica«
»Indeed« said Mr Pickwick »I was not aware that that valuable work
contained any information respecting Chinese metaphysics«
»He read sir« rejoined Pott laying his hand on Mr Pickwicks knee and
looking round with a smile of intellectual superiority »he read for metaphysics
under the letter M and for China under the letter C and combined his
information sir«
Mr Potts features assumed so much additional grandeur at the recollection
of the power and research displayed in the learned effusions in question that
some minutes elapsed before Mr Pickwick felt emboldened to renew the
conversation at length as the Editors countenance gradually relaxed into its
customary expression of moral supremacy he ventured to resume the discourse by
asking
»Is it fair to inquire what great object has brought you so far from home«
»That object which actuates and animates me in all my gigantic labours
sir« replied Pott with a calm smile »my countrys good«
»I supposed it was some public mission« observed Mr Pickwick
»Yes sir« resumed Pott »it is« Here bending towards Mr Pickwick he
whispered in a deep hollow voice »A buff ball sir will take place in
Birmingham tomorrow evening«
»God bless me« exclaimed Mr Pickwick
»Yes sir and supper« added Pott
»You dont say so« ejaculated Mr Pickwick
Pott nodded portentously
Now although Mr Pickwick feigned to stand aghast at this disclosure he
was so little versed in local politics that he was unable to form an adequate
comprehension of the importance of the dire conspiracy it referred to observing
which Mr Pott drawing forth the last number of the Eatanswill Gazette and
referring to the same delivered himself of the following paragraph
»HOLEANDCORNER BUFFERY
A reptile contemporary has recently sweltered forth his black venom in the vain
and hopeless attempt of sullying the fair name of our distinguished and
excellent representative the Honourable Mr Slumkey that Slumkey whom we
long before he gained his present noble and exalted position predicted would
one day be as he now is at once his countrys brightest honour and her
proudest boast alike her bold defender and her honest pride our reptile
contemporary we say, has made himself merry at the expense of a superbly
embossed plated coalscuttle which has been presented to that glorious man by
his enraptured constituents and towards the purchase of which the nameless
wretch insinuates the Honourable Mr Slumkey himself contributed through a
confidential friend of his butlers more than threefourths of the whole sum
subscribed Why does not the crawling creature see that even if this be the
fact the Honourable Mr Slumkey only appears in a still more amiable and
radiant light than before if that be possible Does not even his obtuseness
perceive that this amiable and touching desire to carry out the wishes of the
constituent body must for ever endear him to the hearts and souls of such of
his fellow townsmen as are not worse than swine or in other words, who are not
as debased as our contemporary himself But such is the wretched trickery of
holeandcorner Buffery These are not its only artifices Treason is abroad We
boldly state now that we are goaded to the disclosure and we throw ourselves
on the country and its constables for protection we boldly state that secret
preparations are at this moment in progress for a Buff ball which is to be held
in a Buff town in the very heart and centre of a Buff population which is to
be conducted by a Buff master of the ceremonies which is to be attended by four
ultra Buff members of parliament and the admission to which is to be by Buff
tickets Does our fiendish contemporary wince Let him writhe in impotent
malice as we pen the words WE WILL BE THERE«
»There sir« said Pott folding up the paper quite exhausted »that is the
state of the case«
The landlord and waiter entering at the moment with dinner caused Mr Pott
to lay his finger on his lips in token that he considered his life in Mr
Pickwicks hands and depended on his secrecy Messrs Bob Sawyer and Benjamin
Allen who had irreverently fallen asleep during the reading of the quotation
from the Eatanswill Gazette and the discussion which followed it were roused
by the mere whispering of the talismanic word Dinner in their ears and to
dinner they went with good digestion waiting on appetite and health on both
and a waiter on all three
In the course of the dinner and the sitting which succeeded it Mr Pott
descending for a few moments to domestic topics informed Mr Pickwick that
the air of Eatanswill not agreeing with his lady she was then engaged in making
a tour of different fashionable wateringplaces with a view to the recovery of
her wonted health and spirits this was a delicate veiling of the fact that Mrs
Pott acting upon her often repeated threat of separation had in virtue of an
arrangement negociated by her brother the Lieutenant and concluded by Mr
Pott permanently retired with the faithful bodyguard upon one moiety or
halfpart of the annual income and profits arising from the editorship and sale
of the Eatanswill Gazette
While the great Mr Pott was dwelling upon this and other matters
enlivening the conversation from time to time with various extracts from his own
lucubrations a stern stranger calling from the window of a stagecoach
outward bound which halted at the inn to deliver packages requested to know
whether if he stopped short on his journey and remained there for the night he
could be furnished with the necessary accommodation of a bed and bedstead
»Certainly sir« replied the landlord
»I can can I« inquired the stranger who seemed habitually suspicious in
look and manner
»No doubt of it sir« replied the landlord
»Good« said the stranger »Coachman I get down here Guard my
carpetbag«
Bidding the other passengers good night in a rather snappish manner the
stranger alighted He was a shortish gentleman with very stiff black hair cut
in the porcupine or blackingbrush style and standing stiff and straight all
over his head his aspect was pompous and threatening his manner was
peremptory his eyes were sharp and restless and his whole bearing bespoke a
feeling of great confidence in himself and a consciousness of immeasurable
superiority over all other people
This gentleman was shown into the room originally assigned to the patriotic
Mr Pott and the waiter remarked in dumb astonishment at the singular
coincidence that he had no sooner lighted the candles than the gentleman
diving into his hat drew forth a newspaper and began to read it with the very
same expression of indignant scorn which upon the majestic features of Pott
had paralysed his energies an hour before The man observed too that whereas
Mr Potts scorn had been roused by a newspaper headed The Eatanswill
Independent this gentlemans withering contempt was awakened by a newspaper
entitled The Eatanswill Gazette
»Send the landlord« said the stranger
»Yes sir« rejoined the waiter
The landlord was sent and came
»Are you the landlord« inquired the gentleman
»I am sir« replied the landlord
»Do you know me« demanded the gentleman
»I have not that pleasure sir« rejoined the landlord
»My name is Slurk« said the gentleman
The landlord slightly inclined his head
»Slurk sir« repeated the gentleman haughtily »Do you know me now man«
The landlord scratched his head looked at the ceiling and at the stranger
and smiled feebly
»Do you know me man« inquired the stranger angrily
The landlord made a strong effort and at length replied »Well sir I do
not know you«
»Great Heaven« said the stranger dashing his clenched fist upon the table
»And this is popularity«
The landlord took a step or two towards the door the stranger fixing his
eyes upon him resumed
»This« said the stranger »this is gratitude for years of labour and study
in behalf of the masses I alight wet and weary no enthusiastic crowds press
forward to greet their champion the churchbells are silent the very name
elicits no responsive feeling in their torpid bosoms It is enough« said the
agitated Mr Slurk pacing to and fro »to curdle the ink in ones pen and
induce one to abandon their cause for ever«
»Did you say brandy and water sir« said the landlord venturing a hint
»Rum« said Mr Slurk turning fiercely upon him »Have you got a fire
anywhere«
»We can light one directly sir« said the landlord
»Which will throw out no heat until it is bedtime« interrupted Mr Slurk
»Is there anybody in the kitchen«
Not a soul There was a beautiful fire Everybody had gone and the house
door was closed for the night
»I will drink my rum and water« said Mr Slurk »by the kitchen fire« So
gathering up his hat and newspaper he stalked solemnly behind the landlord to
that humble apartment and throwing himself on a settle by the fireside resumed
his countenance of scorn and began to read and drink in silent dignity
Now some demon of discord flying over the Saracens Head at that moment
on casting down his eyes in mere idle curiosity happened to behold Slurk
established comfortably by the kitchen fire and Pott slightly elevated with
wine in another room upon which the malicious demon darting down into the
lastmentioned apartment with inconceivable rapidity passed at once into the
head of Mr Bob Sawyer and prompted him for his the demons own evil purposes
to speak as follows
»I say weve let the fire out Its uncommonly cold after the rain isnt
it«
»It really is« replied Mr Pickwick shivering
»It wouldnt be a bad notion to have a cigar by the kitchen fire would it«
said Bob Sawyer still prompted by the demon aforesaid
»It would be particularly comfortable I think« replied Mr Pickwick »Mr
Pott what do you say«
Mr Pott yielded a ready assent and all four travellers each with his
glass in his hand at once betook themselves to the kitchen with Sam Weller
heading the procession to show them the way
The stranger was still reading he looked up and started Mr Pott started
»Whats the matter« whispered Mr Pickwick
»That reptile« replied Pott
»What reptile« said Mr Pickwick looking about him for fear he should
tread on some overgrown black beetle or dropsical spider
»That reptile« whispered Pott catching Mr Pickwick by the arm and
pointing towards the stranger »That reptile Slurk of the Independent«
»Perhaps we had better retire« whispered Mr Pickwick
»Never sir« rejoined Pott potvaliant in a double sense »never« With
these words Mr Pott took up his position on an opposite settle and selecting
one from a little bundle of newspapers began to read against his enemy
Mr Pott of course read the Independent and Mr Slurk of course read
the Gazette and each gentleman audibly expressed his contempt of the others
compositions by bitter laughs and sarcastic sniffs whence they proceeded to
more open expressions of opinion such as absurd wretched atrocity humbug
knavery dirt filth slime ditchwater and other critical remarks of the like
nature
Both Mr Bob Sawyer and Mr Ben Allen had beheld these symptoms of rivalry
and hatred with a degree of delight which imparted great additional relish to
the cigars at which they were puffing most vigorously The moment they began to
flag the mischievous Mr Bob Sawyer addressing Slurk with great politeness
said
»Will you allow me to look at your paper sir when you have quite done with
it«
»You will find very little to repay you for your trouble in this
contemptible thing sir« replied Slurk bestowing a Satanic frown on Pott
»You shall have this presently« said Pott looking up pale with rage and
quivering in his speech from the same cause »Ha ha you will be amused with
this fellows audacity«
Terrific emphasis was laid upon this thing and fellow and the faces of both
editors began to glow with defiance
»The ribaldry of this miserable man is despicably disgusting« said Pott
pretending to address Bob Sawyer and scowling upon Slurk
Here Mr Slurk laughed very heartily and folding up the paper so as to get
at a fresh column conveniently said that the blockhead really amused him
»What an impudent blunderer this fellow is« said Pott turning from pink to
crimson
»Did you ever read any of this mans foolery sir« inquired Slurk of Bob
Sawyer
»Never« replied Bob »is it very bad«
»Oh shocking shocking« rejoined Slurk
»Really Dear me this is too atrocious« exclaimed Pott at this juncture
still feigning to be absorbed in his reading
»If you can wade through a few sentences of malice meanness falsehood
perjury treachery and cant« said Slurk handing the paper to Bob »you will
perhaps be somewhat repaid by a laugh at the style of this ungrammatical
twaddler«
»Whats that you said sir« inquired Mr Pott looking up trembling all
over with passion
»Whats that to you sir« replied Slurk
»Ungrammatical twaddler was it sir« said Pott
»Yes sir it was« replied Slurk »and blue bore sir if you like that
better ha ha«
Mr Pott retorted not a word to this jocose insult but deliberately folded
up his copy of the Independent flattened it carefully down crushed it beneath
his boot spat upon it with great ceremony and flung it into the fire
»There sir« said Pott retreating from the stove »and thats the way I
would serve the viper who produces it if I were not fortunately for him
restrained by the laws of my country«
»Serve him so sir« cried Slurk starting up »Those laws shall never be
appealed to by him sir in such a case Serve him so sir«
»Hear hear« said Bob Sawyer
»Nothing can be fairer« observed Mr Ben Allen
»Serve him so sir« reiterated Slurk in a loud voice
Mr Pott darted a look of contempt which might have withered an anchor
»Serve him so sir« reiterated Slurk in a louder voice than before
»I will not sir« rejoined Pott
»Oh you wont wont you sir« said Mr Slurk in a taunting manner »you
hear this gentlemen He wont not that hes afraid oh no he wont Ha ha«
»I consider you sir« said Mr Pott moved by this sarcasm »I consider you
a viper I look upon you sir as a man who has placed himself beyond the pale
of society by his most audacious disgraceful and abominable public conduct I
view you sir personally and politically in no other light than as a most
unparalleled and unmitigated viper«
The indignant Independent did not wait to hear the end of this personal
denunciation for catching up his carpetbag which was well stuffed with
moveables he swung it in the air as Pott turned away and letting it fall with
a circular sweep on his head just at that particular angle of the bag where a
good thick hairbrush happened to be packed caused a sharp crash to be heard
throughout the kitchen and brought him at once to the ground
»Gentlemen« cried Mr Pickwick as Pott started up and seized the
fireshovel »gentlemen Consider for Heavens sake help Sam here pray
gentlemen interfere somebody«
Uttering these incoherent exclamations Mr Pickwick rushed between the
infuriated combatants just in time to receive the carpetbag on one side of his
body and the fireshovel on the other Whether the representatives of the
public feeling of Eatanswill were blinded by animosity or being both acute
reasoners saw the advantage of having a third party between them to bear all
the blows certain it is that they paid not the slightest attention to Mr
Pickwick but defying each other with great spirit plied the carpetbag and the
fireshovel most fearlessly Mr Pickwick would unquestionably have suffered
severely for his humane interference if Mr Weller attracted by his masters
cries had not rushed in at the moment and snatching up a mealsack
effectually stopped the conflict by drawing it over the head and shoulders of
the mighty Pott and clasping him tight round the shoulders
»Take avay that ere bag from the tother madman« said Sam to Ben Allen and
Bob Sawyer who had done nothing but dodge round the group each with a
tortoiseshell lancet in his hand ready to bleed the first man stunned »Give
it up you wretched little creetur or Ill smother you in it«
Awed by these threats and quite out of breath the Independent suffered
himself to be disarmed and Mr Weller removing the extinguisher from Pott set
him free with a caution
»You take yourselves off to bed quietly« said Sam »or Ill put you both in
it and let you fight it out vith the mouth tied as I vould a dozen sich if
they played these games And you have the goodness to come this here vay sir
if you please«
Thus addressing his master Sam took him by the arm and led him off while
the rival editors were severally removed to their beds by the landlord under
the inspection of Mr Bob Sawyer and Mr Benjamin Allen breathing as they went
away many sanguinary threats and making vague appointments for mortal combat
next day When they came to think it over however it occurred to them that
they could do it much better in print so they recommenced deadly hostilities
without delay and all Eatanswill rung with their boldness on paper
They had taken themselves off in separate coaches early next morning
before the other travellers were stirring and the weather having now cleared
up the chaise companions once more turned their faces to London
Chapter LII
Involving a Serious Change in the Weller Family and the Untimely Downfall of
the RedNosed Mr Stiggins
Considering it a matter of delicacy to abstain from introducing either Bob
Sawyer or Ben Allen to the young couple until they were fully prepared to
expect them and wishing to spare Arabellas feelings as much as possible Mr
Pickwick proposed that he and Sam should alight in the neighbourhood of the
George and Vulture and that the two young men should for the present take up
their quarters elsewhere To this they very readily agreed and the proposition
was accordingly acted upon Mr Ben Allen and Mr Bob Sawyer betaking themselves
to a sequestered potshop on the remotest confines of the Borough behind the
bardoor of which their names had in other days very often appeared at the head
of long and complex calculations worked in white chalk
»Dear me Mr Weller« said the pretty housemaid meeting Sam at the door
»Dear me I vish it vos my dear« replied Sam dropping behind to let his
master get out of hearing »Wot a sweet lookin creetur you are Mary«
»Lor Mr Weller what nonsense you do talk« said Mary »Oh dont Mr
Weller«
»Dont what my dear« said Sam
»Why that« replied the pretty housemaid »Lor do get along with you«
Thus admonishing him the pretty housemaid pushed Sam against the wall
declaring that he had tumbled her cap and put her hair quite out of curl
»And prevented what I was going to say besides« added Mary »Theres a
letter been waiting here for you four days you hadnt been gone away half an
hour when it came and more than that its got immediate on the outside«
»Vere is it my love« inquired Sam
»I took care of it for you or I dare say it would have been lost long
before this« replied Mary »There take it its more than you deserve«
With these words after many pretty little coquettish doubts and fears and
wishes that she might not have lost it Mary produced the letter from behind the
nicest little muslin tucker possible and handed it to Sam who thereupon kissed
it with much gallantry and devotion
»My goodness me« said Mary adjusting the tucker and feigning
unconsciousness »you seem to have grown very fond of it all at once«
To this Mr Weller only replied by a wink the intense meaning of which no
description could convey the faintest idea of and sitting himself down beside
Mary on a windowseat opened the letter and glanced at the contents
»Hallo« exclaimed Sam »wots all this«
»Nothing the matter I hope« said Mary peeping over his shoulder
»Bless them eyes o yourn« said Sam looking up
»Never mind my eyes you had much better read your letter« said the pretty
housemaid and as she said so she made the eyes twinkle with such slyness and
beauty that they were perfectly irresistible
Sam refreshed himself with a kiss and read as follows
»Markis Gran
By dorken
Wensdy
My dear Sammle
I am wery sorry to have the pleasure of bein a Bear of ill news your
Mother in law cort cold consekens of imprudently settin too long on the
damp grass in the rain a hearin of a shepherd who warnt able to leave
off till late at night owen to his havin vound hisself up vith brandy
and vater and not being able to stop hisself till he got a little sober
which took a many hours to do the doctor says that if shed svallod
varm brandy and vater artervards insted of afore she mightnt have been
no vus her veels wos immedetly greased and everythink done to set her
agoin as could be inwented your farther had hopes as she vould have
vorked round as usual but just as she wos a turnen the corner my boy she
took the wrong road and vent down hill vith a welocity you never see and
notvithstandin that the drag wos put on drectly by the medikel man it
wornt of no use at all for she paid the last pike at twenty minutes
afore six oclock yesterday evenin havin done the jouney wery much under
the reglar time vich praps was partly owen to her haven taken in wery
little luggage by the vay your father says that if you vill come and see
me Sammy he vill take it as a wery great favor for I am wery lonely
Samivel n b he vill have it spelt that vay vich I say ant right and as
there is sich a many things to settle he is sure your guvner wont object
of course he vill not Sammy for I knows him better so he sends his dooty
in which I join and am Samivel infernally yours
TONY VELLER«
»Wot a incomprehensible letter« said Sam »whos to know wot it means vith all
this heing and Iing It aint my fathers writing cept this here signater
in print letters thats his«
»Perhaps he got somebody to write it for him and signed it himself
afterwards« said the pretty housemaid
»Stop a minit« replied Sam running over the letter again and pausing here
and there to reflect as he did so »Youve hit it The genlmn as wrote it
wos a tellin all about the misfortun in a proper vay and then my father comes
a lookin over him and complicates the whole concern by puttin his oar in
Thats just the wery sort o thing hed do Youre right Mary my dear«
Having satisfied himself on this point Sam read the letter all over once
more and appearing to form a clear notion of its contents for the first time
ejaculated thoughtfully as he folded it up
»And so the poor creaturs dead Im sorry for it She warnt a baddisposed
ooman if them shepherds had let her alone Im wery sorry for it«
Mr Weller uttered these words in so serious a manner that the pretty
housemaid cast down her eyes and looked very grave
»Howsever« said Sam putting the letter in his pocket with a gentle sigh
»it wos to be and wos as the old lady said arter shed married the footman
Cant be helped now can it Mary«
Mary shook her head and sighed too
»I must apply to the hemperor for leave of absence« said Sam
Mary sighed again The letter was so very affecting
»Good bye« said Sam
»Good bye« rejoined the pretty housemaid turning her head away
»Well shake hands wont you« said Sam
The pretty housemaid put out a hand which although it was a housemaids
was a very small one and rose to go
»I shant be wery long avay« said Sam
»Youre always away« said Mary giving her head the slightest possible toss
in the air »You no sooner come Mr Weller than you go again«
Mr Weller drew the household beauty closer to him and entered upon a
whispering conversation which had not proceeded far when she turned her face
round and condescended to look at him again When they parted it was somehow or
other indispensably necessary for her to go to her room and arrange the cap and
curls before she could think of presenting herself to her mistress which
preparatory ceremony she went off to perform bestowing many nods and smiles on
Sam over the banisters as she tripped up stairs
»I shant be avay more than a day or two sir at the farthest« said Sam
when he had communicated to Mr Pickwick the intelligence of his fathers loss
»As long as may be necessary Sam« replied Mr Pickwick »you have my full
permission to remain«
Sam bowed
»You will tell your father Sam that if I can be of any assistance to him
in his present situation I shall be most willing and ready to lend him any aid
in my power« said Mr Pickwick
»Thankee sir« rejoined Sam »Ill mention it sir«
And with some expressions of mutual goodwill and interest master and man
separated
It was just seven oclock when Samuel Weller alighting from the box of a
stagecoach which passed through Dorking stood within a few hundred yards of
the Marquis of Granby It was a cold dull evening the little street looked
dreary and dismal and the mahogany countenance of the noble and gallant Marquis
seemed to wear a more sad and melancholy expression than it was wont to do as
it swung to and fro creaking mournfully in the wind The blinds were pulled
down and the shutters partly closed of the knot of loungers that usually
collected about the door not one was to be seen the place was silent and
desolate
Seeing nobody of whom he could ask any preliminary questions Sam walked
softly in Glancing round he quickly recognised his parent in the distance
The widower was seated at a small round table in the little room behind the
bar smoking a pipe with his eyes intently fixed upon the fire The funeral had
evidently taken place that day for attached to his hat which he still retained
on his head was a hatband measuring about a yard and a half in length which
hung over the top rail of the chair and streamed negligently down Mr Weller
was in a very abstracted and contemplative mood Notwithstanding that Sam called
him by name several times he still continued to smoke with the same fixed and
quiet countenance and was only roused ultimately by his sons placing the palm
of his hand on his shoulder
»Sammy« said Mr Weller »youre welcome«
»Ive been a callin to you half a dozen times« said Sam hanging his hat
on a peg »but you didnt hear me«
»No Sammy« replied Mr Weller again looking thoughtfully at the fire »I
wos in a referee Sammy«
»Wot about« inquired Sam drawing his chair up to the fire
»In a referee Sammy« replied the elder Mr Weller »regarding her
Samivel« Here Mr Weller jerked his head in the direction of Dorking
churchyard in mute explanation that his words referred to the late Mrs Weller
»I wos a thinkin Sammy« said Mr Weller eyeing his son with great
earnestness over his pipe as if to assure him that however extraordinary and
incredible the declaration might appear it was nevertheless calmly and
deliberately uttered »I wos a thinkin Sammy that upon the whole I wos wery
sorry she wos gone«
»Vell and so you ought to be« replied Sam
Mr Weller nodded his acquiescence in the sentiment and again fastening his
eyes on the fire shrouded himself in a cloud and mused deeply
»Those wos wery sensible observations as she made Sammy« said Mr Weller
driving the smoke away with his hand after a long silence
»Wot observations« inquired Sam
»Them as she made arter she was took ill« replied the old gentleman
»Wot was they«
»Somethin to this here effect Veller she says Im afeard Ive not done
by you quite wot I ought to have done youre a wery kindhearted man and I
might ha made your home more comfortabler I begin to see now she says ven
its too late that if a married ooman vishes to be religious she should begin
vith dischargin her dooties at home and makin them as is about her cheerful
and happy and that vile she goes to church or chapel or wot not at all
proper times she should be wery careful not to conwert this sort o thing into
a excuse for idleness or selfindulgence I have done this she says and Ive
vasted time and substance on them as has done it more than me but I hope ven
Im gone Veller that youll think on me as I wos afore I knowd them people
and as I raly wos by natur Susan says I I wos took up wery short by this
Samivel I vont deny it my boy Susan I says youve been a wery good vife
to me altogether dont say nothin at all about it keep a good heart my dear
and youll live to see me punch that ere Stigginss head yet She smiled at
this Samivel« said the old gentleman stifling a sigh with his pipe »but she
died arter all«
»Vell« said Sam venturing to offer a little homely consolation after the
lapse of three or four minutes consumed by the old gentleman in slowly shaking
his head from side to side and solemnly smoking »vell govner ve must all
come to it one day or another«
»So we must Sammy« said Mr Weller the elder
»Theres a Providence in it all« said Sam
»O course there is« replied his father with a nod of grave approval »Wot
ud become of the undertakers vithout it Sammy«
Lost in the immense field of conjecture opened by this reflection the elder
Mr Weller laid his pipe on the table and stirred the fire with a meditative
visage
While the old gentleman was thus engaged a very buxomlooking cook dressed
in mourning who had been bustling about in the bar glided into the room and
bestowing many smirks of recognition upon Sam silently stationed herself at the
back of his fathers chair and announced her presence by a slight cough the
which being disregarded was followed by a louder one
»Hallo« said the elder Mr Weller dropping the poker as he looked round
and hastily drew his chair away »Wots the matter now«
»Have a cup of tea theres a good soul« replied the buxom female
coaxingly
»I vont« replied Mr Weller in a somewhat boisterous manner »Ill see
you « Mr Weller hastily checked himself and added in a low tone »furder
fust«
»Oh dear dear How adversity does change people« said the lady looking
upwards
»Its the only think twixt this and the doctor as shall change my
condition« muttered Mr Weller
»I really never saw a man so cross« said the buxom female
»Never mind Its all for my own good vich is the reflection vith wich the
penitent schoolboy comforted his feelins ven they flogged him« rejoined the
old gentleman
The buxom female shook her head with a compassionate and sympathising air
and appealing to Sam inquired whether his father really ought not to make an
effort to keep up and not give way to that lowness of spirits
»You see Mr Samuel« said the buxom female »as I was telling him
yesterday he will feel lonely he cant expect but what he should sir but he
should keep up a good heart because dear me Im sure we all pity his loss
and are ready to do anything for him and theres no situation in life so bad
Mr Samuel that it cant be mended Which is what a very worthy person said to
me when my husband died« Here the speaker putting her hand before her mouth
coughed again and looked affectionately at the elder Mr Weller
»As I dont rekvire any o your conversation just now mum vill you have
the goodness to retire« inquired Mr Weller in a grave and steady voice
»Well Mr Weller« said the buxom female »Im sure I only spoke to you out
of kindness«
»Wery likely mum« replied Mr Weller »Samivel show the lady out and
shut the door arter her«
This hint was not lost upon the buxom female for she at once left the room
and slammed the door behind her upon which Mr Weller senior falling back in
his chair in a violent perspiration said
»Sammy if I wos to stop here alone vun veek only vun veek my boy that
ere ooman ud marry me by force and wiolence afore it was over«
»Wot Is she so wery fond on you« inquired Sam
»Fond« replied his father »I cant keep her avay from me If I was locked
up in a fireproof chest vith a patent Brahmin shed find means to get at me
Sammy«
»Wot a thing it is to be so sought arter« observed Sam smiling
»I dont take no pride out on it Sammy« replied Mr Weller poking the
fire vehemently »its a horrid sitiwation Im actiwally drove out o house and
home by it The breath was scarcely out o your poor motherinlaws body ven
vun old ooman sends me a pot o jam and another a pot o jelly and another
brews a blessed large jug o camomiletea vich she brings in vith her own
hands« Mr Weller paused with an aspect of intense disgust and looking round
added in a whisper »They wos all widders Sammy all on em cept the
camomiletea vun as wos a single young lady o fiftythree«
Sam gave a comical look in reply and the old gentleman having broken an
obstinate lump of coal with a countenance expressive of as much earnestness and
malice as if it had been the head of one of the widows lastmentioned said
»In short Sammy I feel that I aint safe anyveres but on the box«
»How are you safer there than anyveres else« interrupted Sam
»Cos a coachmans a privileged indiwidual« replied Mr Weller looking
fixedly at his son »Cos a coachman may do vithout suspicion wot other men may
not cos a coachman may be on the wery amicablest terms with eighty mile o
females and yet nobody think that he ever means to marry any vun among em And
wot other man can say the same Sammy«
»Vell theres somethin in that« said Sam
»If your govner had been a coachman« reasoned Mr Weller »do you spose
as that ere jury ud ever ha conwicted him sposin it possible as the matter
could ha gone to that extremity They dustnt ha done it«
»Wy not« said Sam rather disparagingly
»Wy not« rejoined Mr Weller »cos it ud ha gone agin their consciences
A reglar coachmans a sort o connectin link betwixt singleness and matrimony
and every practicable man knows it«
»Wot You mean theyre genral favrites and nobody takes adwantage on
em praps« said Sam
His father nodded
»How it ever come to that ere pass« resumed the parent Weller »I cant
say Wy it is that longstage coachmen possess such insiniwations and is alvays
looked up to adored I may say by evry young ooman in evry town he vurks
through I dont know I only know that so it is Its a reglation of natur a
dispensary as your poor motherinlaw used to say«
»A dispensation« said Sam correcting the old gentleman
»Wery good Samivel a dispensation if you like it better« returned Mr
Weller »I call it a dispensary and its alvays writ up so at the places vere
they gives you physic for nothin in your own bottles thats all«
With these words Mr Weller refilled and relighted his pipe and once
more summoning up a meditative expression of countenance continued as follows
»Therefore my boy as I do not see the adwisability o stoppin here to be
marrid vether I vant to or not and as at the same time I do not vish to
separate myself from them interestin members o society altogether I have come
to the determination o drivin the Safety and puttin up vunce more at the
Bell Savage vich is my natralborn element Sammy«
»And wots to become o the bisness« inquired Sam
»The bisness Samivel« replied the old gentleman »goodvill stock and
fixters vill be sold by private contract and out o the money two hundred
pound agreeable to a rekvest o your motherinlaws to me a little afore she
died vill be inwested in your name in wot do you call them things agin«
»Wot things« inquired Sam
»Them things as is always a goin up and down in the City«
»Omnibuses« suggested Sam
»Nonsense« replied Mr Weller »Them things as is alvays a fluctooatin
and gettin theirselves inwolved somehow or another vith the national debt and
the checquers bills and all that«
»Oh the funds« said Sam
»Ah« rejoined Mr Weller »the funs two hundred pounds o the money is to
be inwested for you Samivel in the funs four and a half per cent reduced
counsels Sammy«
»Wery kind o the old lady to think o me« said Sam »and Im very much
obliged to her«
»The rest vill be inwested in my name« continued the elder Mr Weller »and
ven Im took off the road itll come to you so take care you dont spend it
all at vunst my boy and mind that no widder gets a inklin o your fortun or
youre done«
Having delivered this warning Mr Weller resumed his pipe with a more
serene countenance the disclosure of these matters appearing to have eased his
mind considerably
»Somebodys a tappin at the door« said Sam
»Let em tap« replied his father with dignity
Sam acted upon the direction There was another tap and another and then a
long row of taps upon which Sam inquired why the tapper was not admitted
»Hush« whispered Mr Weller with apprehensive looks »dont take no notice
on em Sammy its vun o the widders praps«
No notice being taken of the taps the unseen visitor after a short lapse
ventured to open the door and peep in It was no female head that was thrust in
at the partially opened door but the long black locks and red face of Mr
Stiggins Mr Wellers pipe fell from his hands
The reverend gentleman gradually opened the door by almost imperceptible
degrees until the aperture was just wide enough to admit of the passage of his
lank body when he glided into the room and closed it after him with great care
and gentleness Turning towards Sam and raising his hands and eyes in token of
the unspeakable sorrow with which he regarded the calamity that had befallen the
family he carried the highbacked chair to his old corner by the fire and
seating himself on the very edge drew forth a brown pockethandkerchief and
applied the same to his optics
While this was going forward the elder Mr Weller sat back in his chair
with his eyes wide open his hands planted on his knees and his whole
countenance expressive of absorbing and overwhelming astonishment Sam sat
opposite him in perfect silence waiting with eager curiosity for the
termination of the scene
Mr Stiggins kept the brown pockethandkerchief before his eyes for some
minutes moaning decently meanwhile and then mastering his feelings by a
strong effort put it in his pocket and buttoned it up After this he stirred
the fire after that he rubbed his hands and looked at Sam
»Oh my young friend« said Mr Stiggins breaking the silence in a very low
voice »heres a sorrowful affliction«
Sam nodded very slightly
»For the man of wrath too« added Mr Stiggins »it makes a vessels heart
bleed«
Mr Weller was overheard by his son to murmur something relative to making a
vessels nose bleed but Mr Stiggins heard him not
»Do you know young man« whispered Mr Stiggins drawing his chair closer
to Sam »whether she has left Emanuel anything«
»Whos he« inquired Sam
»The chapel« replied Mr Stiggins »our chapel our fold Mr Samuel«
»She hasnt left the fold nothin nor the shepherd nothin nor the animals
nothin« said Sam decisively »nor the dogs neither«
Mr Stiggins looked slyly at Sam glanced at the old gentleman who was
sitting with his eyes closed as if asleep and drawing his chair still nearer
said
»Nothing for me Mr Samuel«
Sam shook his head
»I think theres something« said Stiggins turning as pale as he could
turn »Consider Mr Samuel no little token«
»Not so much as the vorth o that ere old umberella o yourn« replied Sam
»Perhaps« said Mr Stiggins hesitatingly after a few moments deep
thought »perhaps she recommended me to the care of the man of wrath Mr
Samuel«
»I think thats wery likely from what he said« rejoined Sam »he wos a
speakin about you jist now«
»Was he though« exclaimed Stiggins brightening up »Ah Hes changed I
dare say We might live very comfortably together now Mr Samuel eh I could
take care of his property when you are away good care you see«
Heaving a longdrawn sigh Mr Stiggins paused for a response Sam nodded
and Mr Weller the elder gave vent to an extraordinary sound which being
neither a groan nor a grunt nor a gasp nor a growl seemed to partake in some
degree of the character of all four
Mr Stiggins encouraged by this sound which he understood to betoken
remorse or repentance looked about him rubbed his hands wept smiled wept
again and then walking softly across the room to a wellremembered shelf in
one corner took down a tumbler and with great deliberation put four lumps of
sugar in it Having got thus far he looked about him again and sighed
grievously with that he walked softly into the bar and presently returning
with the tumbler half full of pineapple rum advanced to the kettle which was
singing gaily on the hob mixed his grog stirred it sipped it sat down and
taking a long and hearty pull at the rum and water stopped for breath
The elder Mr Weller who still continued to make various strange and
uncouth attempts to appear asleep offered not a single word during these
proceedings but when Stiggins stopped for breath he darted upon him and
snatching the tumbler from his hand threw the remainder of the rum and water in
his face and the glass itself into the grate Then seizing the reverend
gentleman firmly by the collar he suddenly fell to kicking him most furiously
accompanying every application of his topboots to Mr Stigginss person with
sundry violent and incoherent anathemas upon his limbs eyes and body
»Sammy« said Mr Weller »put my hat on tight for me«
Sam dutifully adjusted the hat with the long hatband more firmly on his
fathers head and the old gentleman resuming his kicking with greater agility
than before tumbled with Mr Stiggins through the bar and through the passage
out at the front door and so into the street the kicking continuing the whole
way and increasing in vehemence rather than diminishing every time the
topboot was lifted
It was a beautiful and exhilarating sight to see the rednosed man writhing
in Mr Wellers grasp and his whole frame quivering with anguish as kick
followed kick in rapid succession it was a still more exciting spectacle to
behold Mr Weller after a powerful struggle immersing Mr Stigginss head in a
horsetrough full of water and holding it there until he was half suffocated
»There« said Mr Weller throwing all his energy into one most complicated
kick as he at length permitted Mr Stiggins to withdraw his head from the
trough »send any vun o them lazy shepherds here and Ill pound him to a jelly
first and drownd him artervards Sammy help me in and fill me a small glass
of brandy Im out o breath my boy«
Chapter LIII
Comprising the Final Exit of Mr Jingle and Job Trotter with a Great Morning of
Business in Grays Inn Square Concluding with a Double Knock at Mr Perkers
Door
When Arabella after some gentle preparation and many assurances that there was
not the least occasion for being lowspirited was at length made acquainted by
Mr Pickwick with the unsatisfactory result of his visit to Birmingham she
burst into tears and sobbing aloud lamented in moving terms that she should
have been the unhappy cause of any estrangement between a father and his son
»My dear girl« said Mr Pickwick kindly »it is no fault of yours It was
impossible to foresee that the old gentleman would be so strongly prepossessed
against his sons marriage you know I am sure« added Mr Pickwick glancing
at her pretty face »he can have very little idea of the pleasure he denies
himself«
»Oh my dear Mr Pickwick« said Arabella »what shall we do if he continues
to be angry with us«
»Why wait patiently my dear until he thinks better of it« replied Mr
Pickwick cheerfully
»But dear Mr Pickwick what is to become of Nathaniel if his father
withdraws his assistance« urged Arabella
»In that case my love« rejoined Mr Pickwick »I will venture to prophesy
that he will find some other friend who will not be backward in helping him to
start in the world«
The significance of this reply was not so well disguised by Mr Pickwick but
that Arabella understood it So throwing her arms around his neck and kissing
him affectionately she sobbed louder than before
»Come come« said Mr Pickwick taking her hand »we will wait here a few
days longer and see whether he writes or takes any other notice of your
husbands communication If not I have thought of half a dozen plans any one
of which would make you happy at once There my dear there«
With these words Mr Pickwick gently pressed Arabellas hand and bade her
dry her eyes and not distress her husband Upon which Arabella who was one of
the best little creatures alive put her handkerchief in her reticule and by
the time Mr Winkle joined them exhibited in full lustre the same beaming
smiles and sparkling eyes that had originally captivated him
»This is a distressing predicament for these young people« thought Mr
Pickwick as he dressed himself next morning »Ill walk up to Perkers and
consult him about the matter«
As Mr Pickwick was further prompted to betake himself to Grays Inn Square
by an anxious desire to come to a pecuniary settlement with the kindhearted
little attorney without further delay he made a hurried breakfast and executed
his intention so speedily that ten oclock had not struck when he reached
Grays Inn
It still wanted ten minutes to the hour when he had ascended the staircase
on which Perkers chambers were The clerks had not arrived yet and he beguiled
the time by looking out of the staircase window
The healthy light of a fine October morning made even the dingy old houses
brighten up a little some of the dusty windows actually looking almost cheerful
as the suns rays gleamed upon them Clerk after clerk hastened into the square
by one or other of the entrances and looking up at the Hall clock accelerated
or decreased his rate of walking according to the time at which his office hours
nominally commenced the halfpast nine oclock people suddenly becoming very
brisk and the ten oclock gentlemen felling into a pace of most aristocratic
slowness The clock struck ten and clerks poured in faster than ever each one
in a greater perspiration than his predecessor The noise of unlocking and
opening doors echoed and reechoed on every side heads appeared as if by magic
in every window the porters took up their stations for the day the slipshod
laundresses hurried off the postman ran from house to house and the whole
legal hive was in a bustle
»Youre early Mr Pickwick« said a voice behind him
»Ah Mr Lowten« replied that gentleman looking round and recognising his
old acquaintance
»Precious warm walking isnt it« said Lowten drawing a Bramah key from
his pocket with a small plug therein to keep the dust out
»You appear to feel it so« rejoined Mr Pickwick smiling at the clerk who
was literally red hot
»Ive come along rather I can tell you« replied Lowten »It went the half
hour as I came through the Polygon Im here before him though so I dont
mind«
Comforting himself with this reflection Mr Lowten extracted the plug from
the doorkey and having opened the door replugged and repocketed his Bramah
and picked up the letters which the postman had dropped through the box He then
ushered Mr Pickwick into the office Here in the twinkling of an eye he
divested himself of his coat put on a threadbare garment which he took out of a
desk hung up his hat pulled forth a few sheets of cartridge and blottingpaper
in alternate layers and sticking a pen behind his ear rubbed his hands with an
air of great satisfaction
»There you see Mr Pickwick« he said »now Im complete Ive got my
office coat on and my pad out and let him come as soon as he likes You
havent got a pinch of snuff about you have you«
»No I have not« replied Mr Pickwick
»Im sorry for it« said Lowten »Never mind Ill run out presently and
get a bottle of soda Dont I look rather queer about the eyes Mr Pickwick«
The individual appealed to surveyed Mr Lowtens eyes from a distance and
expressed his opinion that no unusual queerness was perceptible in those
features
»Im glad of it« said Lowten »We were keeping it up pretty tolerably at
the Stump last night and Im rather out of sorts this morning Perkers been
about that business of yours by the bye«
»What business« inquired Mr Pickwick »Mrs Bardells costs«
»No I dont mean that« replied Mr Lowten »About getting that customer
that we paid the ten shillings in the pound to the bill discounter for on your
account to get him out of the Fleet you know about getting him to
Demerara«
»Oh Mr Jingle« said Mr Pickwick hastily »Yes Well«
»Well its all arranged« said Lowten mending his pen »The agent at
Liverpool said he had been obliged to you many times when you were in business
and he would be glad to take him on your recommendation«
»Thats well« said Mr Pickwick »I am delighted to hear it«
»But I say« resumed Lowten scraping the back of the pen preparatory to
making a fresh split »what a soft chap that other is«
»Which other«
»Why that servant or friend or whatever he is you know Trotter«
»Ah« said Mr Pickwick with a smile »I always thought him the reverse«
»Well and so did I from what little I saw of him« replied Lowten »it
only shows how one may be deceived What do you think of his going to Demerara
too«
»What And giving up what was offered him here« exclaimed Mr Pickwick
»Treating Perkers offer of eighteen bob aweek and a rise if he behaved
himself like dirt« replied Lowten »He said he must go along with the other
one and so they persuaded Perker to write again and theyve got him something
on the same estate not near so good Perker says as a convict would get in New
South Wales if he appeared at his trial in a new suit of clothes«
»Foolish fellow« said Mr Pickwick with glistening eyes »Foolish fellow«
»Oh its worse than foolish its downright sneaking you know« replied
Lowten nibbing the pen with a contemptuous face »He says that hes the only
friend he ever had and hes attached to him and all that Friendships a very
good thing in its way we are all very friendly and comfortable at the Stump
for instance over our grog where every man pays for himself but damn hurting
yourself for anybody else you know No man should have more than two
attachments the first to number one and the second to the ladies thats
what I say ha ha« Mr Lowten concluded with a loud laugh half in
jocularity and half in derision which was prematurely cut short by the sound
of Perkers footsteps on the stairs at the first approach of which he vaulted
on his stool with an agility most remarkable and wrote intensely
The greeting between Mr Pickwick and his professional adviser was warm and
cordial the client was scarcely ensconced in the attorneys arm chair however
when a knock was heard at the door and a voice inquired whether Mr Perker was
within
»Hark« said Perker »thats one of our vagabond friends Jingle himself
my dear sir Will you see him«
»What do you think« inquired Mr Pickwick hesitating
»Yes I think you had better Here you sir whats your name walk in will
you«
In compliance with this unceremonious invitation Jingle and Job walked into
the room but seeing Mr Pickwick stopped short in some confusion
»Well« said Perker »dont you know that gentleman«
»Good reason to« replied Mr Jingle stepping forward »Mr Pickwick
deepest obligations life preserver made a man of me you shall never repent
it sir«
»I am happy to hear you say so« said Mr Pickwick »You look much better«
»Thanks to you sir great change Majestys Fleet unwholesome place
very« said Jingle shaking his head He was decently and cleanly dressed and
so was Job who stood bolt upright behind him staring at Mr Pickwick with a
visage of iron
»When do they go to Liverpool« inquired Mr Pickwick half aside to Perker
»This evening sir at seven oclock« said Job taking one step forward
»By the heavy coach from the city sir«
»Are your places taken«
»They are sir« replied Job
»You have fully made up your mind to go«
»I have sir« answered Job
»With regard to such an outfit as was indispensable for Jingle« said
Perker addressing Mr Pickwick aloud »I have taken upon myself to make an
arrangement for the deduction of a small sum from his quarterly salary which
being made only for one year and regularly remitted will provide for that
expense I entirely disapprove of your doing anything for him my dear sir
which is not dependent on his own exertions and good conduct«
»Certainly« interposed Jingle with great firmness »Clear head man of
the world quite right perfectly«
»By compounding with his creditor releasing his clothes from the
pawnbrokers relieving him in prison and paying for his passage« continued
Perker without noticing Jingles observation »you have already lost upwards of
fifty pounds«
»Not lost« said Jingle hastily »Pay it all stick to business cash up
every farthing Yellow fever perhaps cant help that if not « Here Mr
Jingle paused and striking the crown of his hat with great violence passed his
hand over his eyes and sat down
»He means to say« said Job advancing a few paces »that if he is not
carried off by the fever he will pay the money back again If he lives he
will Mr Pickwick I will see it done I know he will sir« said Job with
energy »I could undertake to swear it«
»Well well« said Mr Pickwick who had been bestowing a score or two of
frowns upon Perker to stop his summary of benefits conferred which the little
attorney obstinately disregarded »you must be careful not to play any more
desperate cricket matches Mr Jingle or to renew your acquaintance with Sir
Thomas Blazo and I have little doubt of your preserving your health«
Mr Jingle smiled at this sally but looked rather foolish notwithstanding
so Mr Pickwick changed the subject by saying
»You dont happen to know do you what has become of another friend of
yours a more humble one whom I saw at Rochester«
»Dismal Jemmy« inquired Jingle
»Yes«
Jingle shook his head
»Clever rascal queer fellow hoaxing genius Jobs brother«
»Jobs brother« exclaimed Mr Pickwick »Well now I look at him closely
there is a likeness«
»We were always considered like each other sir« said Job with a cunning
look just lurking in the corners of his eyes »only I was really of a serious
nature and he never was He emigrated to America sir in consequence of being
too much sought after here to be comfortable and has never been heard of
since«
»That accounts for my not having received the page from the romance of real
life which he promised me one morning when he appeared to be contemplating
suicide on Rochester Bridge I suppose« said Mr Pickwick smiling »I need not
inquire wheter his dismal behaviour was natural or assumed«
»He could assume anything sir« said Job »You may consider yourself very
fortunate in having escaped him so easily On intimate terms he would have been
even a more dangerous acquaintance than « Job looked at Jingle hesitated and
finally added »than than myself even«
»A hopeful family yours Mr Trotter« said Perker sealing a letter which
he had just finished writing
»Yes sir« replied Job »Very much so«
»Well« said the little man laughing »I hope you are going to disgrace it
Deliver this letter to the agent when you reach Liverpool and let me advise
you gentlemen not to be too knowing in the West Indies If you throw away this
chance you will both richly deserve to be hanged as I sincerely trust you will
be And now you had better leave Mr Pickwick and me alone for we have other
matters to talk over and time is precious« As Perker said this he looked
towards the door with an evident desire to render the leavetaking as brief as
possible
It was brief enough on Mr Jingles part He thanked the little attorney in
a few hurried words for the kindness and promptitude with which he had rendered
his assistance and turning to his benefactor stood for a few seconds as if
irresolute what to say or how to act Job Trotter relieved his perplexity for
with a humble and a grateful bow to Mr Pickwick he took his friend gently by
the arm and led him away
»A worthy couple« said Perker as the door closed behind them
»I hope they may become so« replied Mr Pickwick »What do you think Is
there any chance of their permanent reformation«
Perker shrugged his shoulders doubtfully but observing Mr Pickwicks
anxious and disappointed look rejoined
»Of course there is a chance I hope it may prove a good one They are
unquestionably penitent now but then you know they have the recollection of
very recent suffering fresh upon them What they may become when that fades
away is a problem that neither you nor I can solve However my dear sir«
added Perker laying his hand on Mr Pickwicks shoulder »your object is
equally honourable whatever the result is Whether that species of benevolence
which is so very cautious and longsighted that it is seldom exercised at all
lest its owner should be imposed upon and so wounded in his selflove be real
charity or a worldly counterfeit I leave to wiser heads than mine to determine.
But if those two fellows were to commit a burglary tomorrow my opinion of this
action would be equally high«
With these remarks which were delivered in a much more animated and earnest
manner than is usual in legal gentlemen Perker drew his chair to his desk and
listened to Mr Pickwicks recital of old Mr Winkles obstinacy
»Give him a week« said Perker nodding his head prophetically
»Do you think he will come round« inquired Mr Pickwick
»I think he will« rejoined Perker »If not we must try the young ladys
persuasion and that is what anybody but you would have done at first«
Mr Perker was taking a pinch of snuff with various grotesque contractions
of countenance eulogistic of the persuasive powers appertaining unto young
ladies when the murmur of inquiry and answer was heard in the outer office and
Lowten tapped at the door
»Come in« cried the little man
The clerk came in and shut the door after him with great mystery
»Whats the matter« inquired Perker
»Youre wanted sir«
»Who wants me«
Lowten looked at Mr Pickwick and coughed
»Who wants me Cant you speak Mr Lowten«
»Why sir« replied Lowten »its Dodson and Fogg is with him«
»Bless my life« said the little man looking at his watch »I appointed
them to be here at halfpast eleven to settle that matter of yours Pickwick
I gave them an undertaking on which they sent down your discharge its very
awkward my dear sir what will you do Would you like to step into the next
room«
The next room being the identical room in which Messrs Dodson and Fogg
were Mr Pickwick replied that he would remain where he was the more
especially as Messrs Dodson and Fogg ought to be ashamed to look him in the
face instead of his being ashamed to see them Which latter circumstance he
begged Mr Perker to note with a glowing countenance and many marks of
indignation
»Very well my dear sir very well« replied Perker »I can only say that if
you expect either Dodson or Fogg to exhibit any symptom of shame or confusion at
having to look you or anybody else in the face you are the most sanguine man
in your expectations that I ever met with Show them in Mr Lowten«
Mr Lowten disappeared with a grin and immediately returned ushering in the
firm in due form of precedence Dodson first and Fogg afterwards
»You have seen Mr Pickwick I believe« said Perker to Dodson inclining
his pen in the direction where that gentleman was seated
»How do you do Mr Pickwick« said Dodson in a loud voice
»Dear me« cried Fogg »how do you do Mr Pickwick I hope you are well
sir I thought I knew the face« said Fogg drawing up a chair and looking
round him with a smile
Mr Pickwick bent his head very slightly in answer to these salutations
and seeing Fogg pull a bundle of papers from his coatpocket rose and walked
to the window
»Theres no occasion for Mr Pickwick to move Mr Perker« said Fogg
untying the red tape which encircled the little bundle and smiling again more
sweetly than before »Mr Pickwick is pretty well acquainted with these
proceedings There are no secrets between us I think He he he«
»Not many I think« said Dodson »Ha ha ha« Then both the partners
laughed together pleasantly and cheerfully as men who are going to receive
money often do
»We shall make Mr Pickwick pay for peeping« said Fogg with considerable
native humour as he unfolded his papers »The amount of the taxed costs is one
hundred and thirty three six four Mr Perker«
There was a great comparing of papers and turning over of leaves by Fogg
and Perker after this statement of profit and loss Meanwhile Dodson said in
an affable manner to Mr Pickwick
»I dont think you are looking quite so stout as when I had the pleasure of
seeing you last Mr Pickwick«
»Possibly not sir« replied Mr Pickwick who had been flashing forth looks
of fierce indignation without producing the smallest effect on either of the
sharp practitioners »I believe I am not sir I have been persecuted and
annoyed by Scoundrels of late sir«
Perker coughed violently and asked Mr Pickwick whether he wouldnt like to
look at the morning paper To which inquiry Mr Pickwick returned a most decided
negative
»True« said Dodson »I dare say you have been annoyed in the Fleet there
are some odd gentry there Whereabouts were your apartments Mr Pickwick«
»My one room« replied that muchinjured gentleman »was on the Coffee Room
flight«
»Oh indeed« said Dodson »I believe that is a very pleasant part of the
establishment«
»Very« replied Mr Pickwick drily
There was a coolness about all this which to a gentleman of an excitable
temperament had under the circumstances rather an exasperating tendency Mr
Pickwick restrained his wrath by gigantic efforts but when Perker wrote a
cheque for the whole amount and Fogg deposited it in a small pocketbook with a
triumphant smile playing over his pimply features which communicated itself
likewise to the stern countenance of Dodson he felt the blood in his cheeks
tingling with indignation
»Now Mr Dodson« said Fogg putting up the pocketbook and drawing on his
gloves »I am at your service«
»Very good« said Dodson rising »I am quite ready«
»I am very happy« said Fogg softened by the cheque »to have had the
pleasure of making Mr Pickwicks acquaintance I hope you dont think quite so
ill of us Mr Pickwick as when we first had the pleasure of seeing you«
»I hope not« said Dodson with the high tone of calumniated virtue »Mr
Pickwick now knows us better I trust whatever your opinion of gentlemen of our
profession may be I beg to assure you sir that I bear no illwill or
vindictive feeling towards you for the sentiments you thought proper to express
in our office in Freemans Court Cornhill on the occasion to which my partner
has referred«
»Oh no no nor I« said Fogg in a most forgiving manner
»Our conduct sir« said Dodson »will speak for itself, and justify itself
I hope upon every occasion We have been in the profession some years Mr
Pickwick and have been honoured with the confidence of many excellent clients
I wish you good morning sir«
»Good morning Mr Pickwick« said Fogg So saying he put his umbrella
under his arm drew off his right glove and extended the hand of reconciliation
to that most indignant gentleman who thereupon thrust his hands beneath his
coat tails and eyed the attorney with looks of scornful amazement
»Lowten« cried Perker at this moment »Open the door«
»Wait one instant« said Mr Pickwick »Perker I will speak«
»My dear sir pray let the matter rest where it is« said the little
attorney who had been in a state of nervous apprehension during the whole
interview »Mr Pickwick I beg«
»I will not be put down sir« replied Mr Pickwick hastily »Mr Dodson
you have addressed some remarks to me«
Dodson turned round bent his head meekly and smiled
»Some remarks to me« repeated Mr Pickwick almost breathless »and your
partner has tendered me his hand and you have both assumed a tone of
forgiveness and highmindedness which is an extent of impudence that I was not
prepared for even in you«
»What sir« exclaimed Dodson
»What sir« reiterated Fogg
»Do you know that I have been the victim of your plots and conspiracies«
continued Mr Pickwick »Do you know that I am the man whom you have been
imprisoning and robbing Do you know that you were the attorneys for the
plaintiff in Bardell and Pickwick«
»Yes sir we do know it« replied Dodson
»Of course we know it sir« rejoined Fogg slapping his pocket perhaps by
accident
»I see that you recollect it with satisfaction« said Mr Pickwick
attempting to call up a sneer for the first time in his life and failing most
signally in so doing »Although I have long been anxious to tell you in plain
terms what my opinion of you is I should have let even this opportunity pass
in deference to my friend Perkers wishes but for the unwarrantable tone you
have assumed and your insolent familiarity I say insolent familiarity sir«
said Mr Pickwick turning upon Fogg with a fierceness of gesture which caused
that person to retreat towards the door with great expedition
»Take care sir« said Dodson who though he was the biggest man of the
party had prudently intrenched himself behind Fogg and was speaking over his
head with a very pale face »Let him assault you Mr Fogg dont return it on
any account«
»No no I wont return it« said Fogg falling back a little more as he
spoke to the evident relief of his partner who by these means was gradually
getting into the outer office
»You are« continued Mr Pickwick resuming the thread of his discourse
»you are a wellmatched pair of mean rascally pettifogging robbers«
»Well« interposed Perker »is that all«
»It is all summed up in that« rejoined Mr Pickwick »they are mean
rascally pettifogging robbers«
»There« said Perker in a most conciliatory tone »My dear sirs he has said
all he has to say Now pray go Lowten is that door open«
Mr Lowten with a distant giggle replied in the affirmative
»There there good morning good morning now pray my dear sirs Mr
Lowten the door« cried the little man pushing Dodson and Fogg nothing loath
out of the office »this way my dear sirs now pray dont prolong this dear
me Mr Lowten the door sir why dont you attend«
»If theres law in England sir« said Dodson looking towards Mr Pickwick
as he put on his hat »you shall smart for this«
»You are a couple of mean «
»Remember sir you pay dearly for this« said Fogg
» Rascally pettifogging robbers« continued Mr Pickwick taking not the
least notice of the threats that were addressed to him
»Robbers« cried Mr Pickwick running to the stairhead as the two
attorneys descended
»Robbers« shouted Mr Pickwick breaking from Lowten and Perker and
thrusting his head out of the staircase window
When Mr Pickwick drew in his head again his countenance was smiling and
placid and walking quietly back into the office he declared that he had now
removed a great weight from his mind and that he felt perfectly comfortable and
happy
Perker said nothing at all until he had emptied his snuffbox and sent
Lowten out to fill it when he was seized with a fit of laughing which lasted
five minutes at the expiration of which time he said that he supposed he ought
to be very angry but he couldnt think of the business seriously yet when he
could he would be
»Well now« said Mr Pickwick »let me have a settlement with you«
»Of the same kind as the last« inquired Perker with another laugh
»Not exactly« rejoined Mr Pickwick drawing out his pocketbook and
shaking the little man heartily by the hand »I only mean a pecuniary
settlement You have done me many acts of kindness that I can never repay and
have no wish to repay for I prefer continuing the obligation«
With this preface the two friends dived into some very complicated accounts
and vouchers which having been duly displayed and gone through by Perker were
at once discharged by Mr Pickwick with many professions of esteem and
friendship
They had no sooner arrived at this point than a most violent and startling
knocking was heard at the door it was not an ordinary double knock but a
constant and uninterrupted succession of the loudest single raps as if the
knocker were endowed with the perpetual motion or the person outside had
forgotten to leave off
»Dear me whats that« exclaimed Perker starting
»I think it is a knock at the door« said Mr Pickwick as if there could be
the smallest doubt of the fact
The knocker made a more energetic reply than words could have yielded for
it continued to hammer with surprising force and noise without a moments
cessation
»Dear me« said Perker ringing his bell »we shall alarm the Inn Mr
Lowten dont you hear a knock«
»Ill answer the door in one moment sir« replied the clerk The knocker
appeared to hear the response and to assert that it was quite impossible he
could wait so long It made a stupendous uproar
»Its quite dreadful« said Mr Pickwick stopping his ears
»Make haste Mr Lowten« Perker called out »we shall have the panels
beaten in«
Mr Lowten who was washing his hands in a dark closet hurried to the door
and turning the handle beheld the appearance which is described in the next
chapter
Chapter LIV
Containing Some Particulars Relative to the Double Knock and Other Matters
among Which Certain Interesting Disclosures Relative to Mr Snodgrass and a
Young Lady Are by No Means Irrelevant to This History
The object that presented itself to the eyes of the astonished clerk was a boy
a wonderfully fat boy habited as a serving lad standing upright on the mat
with his eyes closed as if in sleep He had never seen such a fat boy in or out
of a travelling caravan and this coupled with the calmness and repose of his
appearance so very different from what was reasonably to have been expected of
the inflicter of such knocks smote him with wonder
»Whats the matter« inquired the clerk
The extraordinary boy replied not a word but he nodded once and seemed to
the clerks imagination to snore feebly
»Where do you come from« inquired the clerk
The boy made no sign He breathed heavily but in all other respects was
motionless
The clerk repeated the question thrice and receiving no answer prepared to
shut the door when the boy suddenly opened his eyes winked several times
sneezed once and raised his hand as if to repeat the knocking Finding the door
open he stared about him with astonishment and at length fixed his eyes on Mr
Lowtens face
»What the devil do you knock in that way for« inquired the clerk angrily
»Which way« said the boy in a slow and sleepy voice
»Why like forty hackneycoachmen« replied the clerk
»Because master said I wasnt to leave off knocking till they opened the
door for fear I should go to sleep« said the boy
»Well« said the clerk »what message have you brought«
»Hes down stairs« rejoined the boy
»Who«
»Master He wants to know whether youre at home«
Mr Lowten bethought himself at this juncture of looking out of the
window Seeing an open carriage with a hearty old gentleman in it looking up
very anxiously he ventured to beckon him on which the old gentleman jumped
out directly
»Thats your master in the carriage I suppose« said Lowten
The boy nodded
All further inquiries were superseded by the appearance of old Wardle who
running up stairs and just recognising Lowten passed at once into Mr Perkers
room
»Pickwick« said the old gentleman »Your hand my boy Why have I never
heard until the day before yesterday of your suffering yourself to be cooped up
in jail And why did you let him do it Perker«
»I couldnt help it my dear sir« replied Perker with a smile and a pinch
of snuff »you know how obstinate he is«
»Of course I do of course I do« replied the old gentleman »I am heartily
glad to see him notwithstanding I will not lose sight of him again in a
hurry«
With these words Wardle shook Mr Pickwicks hand once more and having
done the same by Perker threw himself into an armchair his jolly red face
shining again with smiles and health
»Well« said Wardle »Here are pretty goings on a pinch of your snuff
Perker my boy never were such times eh«
»What do you mean« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Mean« replied Wardle »Why I think the girls are all running mad thats
no news youll say Perhaps its not but its true for all that«
»You have not come up to London of all places in the world to tell us
that my dear sir have you« inquired Perker
»No not altogether« replied Wardle »though it was the main cause of my
coming Hows Arabella«
»Very well« replied Mr Pickwick »and will be delighted to see you I am
sure«
»Blackeyed little jilt« replied Wardle »I had a great idea of marrying
her myself one of these odd days But I am glad of it too very glad«
»How did the intelligence reach you« asked Mr Pickwick
»Oh it came to my girls of course« replied Wardle »Arabella wrote the
day before yesterday to say she had made a stolen match without her husbands
fathers consent and so you had gone down to get it when his refusing it
couldnt prevent the match and all the rest of it I thought it a very good
time to say something serious to my girls so I said what a dreadful thing it
was that children should marry without their parents consent and so forth
but bless your hearts I couldnt make the least impression upon them They
thought it such a much more dreadful thing that there should have been a wedding
without bridesmaids that I might as well have preached to Joe himself«
Here the old gentleman stopped to laugh and having done so to his hearts
content presently resumed
»But this is not the best of it it seems This is only half the lovemaking
and plotting that have been going forward We have been walking on mines for the
last six months and theyre sprung at last«
»What do you mean« exclaimed Mr Pickwick turning pale »no other secret
marriage I hope«
»No no« replied old Wardle »not so bad as that no«
»What then« inquired Mr Pickwick »am I interested in it«
»Shall I answer that question Perker« said Wardle
»If you dont commit yourself by doing so my dear sir«
»Well then you are« said Wardle
»How« asked Mr Pickwick anxiously »In what way«
»Really« replied Wardle »youre such a fiery sort of young fellow that I
am almost afraid to tell you but however if Perker will sit between us to
prevent mischief Ill venture«
Having closed the roomdoor and fortified himself with another application
to Perkers snuffbox the old gentleman proceeded with his great disclosure in
these words
»The fact is that my daughter Bella Bella who married young Trundle you
know«
»Yes yes we know« said Mr Pickwick impatiently
»Dont alarm me at the very beginning My daughter Bella Emily having gone
to bed with a headache after she had read Arabellas letter to me sat herself
down by my side the other evening and began to talk over this marriage affair
Well pa she says what do you think of it Why my dear I said I suppose
its all very well I hope its for the best I answered in this way because I
was sitting before the fire at the time drinking my grog rather thoughtfully
and I knew my throwing in an undecided word now and then would induce her to
continue talking Both my girls are pictures of their dear mother and as I grow
old I like to sit with only them by me for their voices and looks carry me back
to the happiest period of my life and make me for the moment as young as I
used to be then though not quite so lighthearted Its quite a marriage of
affection pa said Bella after a short silence Yes my dear said I but such
marriages do not always turn out the happiest«
»I question that mind« interposed Mr Pickwick warmly
»Very good« responded Wardle »question anything you like when its your
turn to speak but dont interrupt me«
»I beg your pardon« said Mr Pickwick
»Granted« replied Wardle »I am sorry to hear you express your opinion
against marriages of affection pa said Bella colouring a little I was wrong
I ought not to have said so my dear either said I patting her cheek as
kindly as a rough old fellow like me could pat it for your mothers was one
and so was yours Its not that I meant pa said Bella The fact is pa I
wanted to speak to you about Emily«
Mr Pickwick started
»Whats the matter now« inquired Wardle stopping in his narrative
»Nothing« replied Mr Pickwick »Pray go on«
»I never could spin out a story« said Wardle abruptly »It must come out
sooner or later and itll save us all a great deal of time if it comes at once
The long and the short of it is then that Bella at last mustered up courage to
tell me that Emily was very unhappy that she and your young friend Snodgrass
had been in constant correspondence and communication ever since last Christmas
that she had very dutifully made up her mind to run away with him in laudable
imitation of her old friend and schoolfellow but that having some compunctions
of conscience on the subject inasmuch as I had always been rather kindly
disposed to both of them they had thought it better in the first instance to
pay me the compliment of asking whether I would have any objection to their
being married in the usual matterof-fact manner There now Mr Pickwick if
you can make it convenient to reduce your eyes to their usual size again and to
let me hear what you think we ought to do I shall feel rather obliged to you«
The testy manner in which the hearty old gentleman uttered this last
sentence was not wholly unwarranted for Mr Pickwicks face had settled down
into an expression of blank amazement and perplexity quite curious to behold
»Snodgrass Since last Christmas« were the first broken words that issued
from the lips of the confounded gentleman
»Since last Christmas« replied Wardle »thats plain enough and very bad
spectacles we must have worn not to have discovered it before«
»I dont understand it« said Mr Pickwick ruminating »I really cannot
understand it«
»Its easy enough to understand« replied the choleric old gentleman »If
you had been a younger man you would have been in the secret long ago and
besides« added Wardle after a moments hesitation »the truth is that knowing
nothing of this matter I have rather pressed Emily for four or five months
past to receive favourably if she could I would never attempt to force a
girls inclinations the addresses of a young gentleman down in our
neighbourhood I have no doubt that girllike to enhance her own value and
increase the ardour of Mr Snodgrass she has represented this matter in very
glowing colours and that they have both arrived at the conclusion that they are
a terribly persecuted pair of unfortunates and have no resource but clandestine
matrimony or charcoal Now the question is whats to be done«
»What have you done« inquired Mr Pickwick
»I«
»I mean what did you do when your married daughter told you this«
»Oh I made a fool of myself of course« rejoined Wardle
»Just so« interposed Perker who had accompanied this dialogue with sundry
twitchings of his watchchain vindictive rubbings of his nose and other
symptoms of impatience »Thats very natural but how«
»I went into a great passion and frightened my mother into a fit« said
Wardle
»That was judicious« remarked Perker »and what else«
»I fretted and fumed all next day and raised a great disturbance« rejoined
the old gentleman »At last I got tired of rendering myself unpleasant and
making everybody miserable so I hired a carriage at Muggleton and putting my
own horses in it came up to town under pretence of bringing Emily to see
Arabella«
»Miss Wardle is with you then« said Mr Pickwick
»To be sure she is« replied Wardle »She is at Osbornes hotel in the
Adelphi at this moment unless your enterprising friend has run away with her
since I came out this morning«
»You are reconciled then« said Perker
»Not a bit of it« answered Wardle »she has been crying and moping ever
since except last night between tea and supper when she made a great parade
of writing a letter that I pretended to take no notice of«
»You want my advice in this matter I suppose« said Perker looking from
the musing face of Mr Pickwick to the eager countenance of Wardle and taking
several consecutive pinches of his favourite stimulant
»I suppose so« said Wardle looking at Mr Pickwick
»Certainly« replied that gentleman
»Well then« said Perker rising and pushing his chair back »my advice is
that you both walk away together or ride away or get away by some means or
other for Im tired of you and just talk this matter over between you If you
have not settled it by the next time I see you Ill tell you what to do«
»This is satisfactory« said Wardle hardly knowing whether to smile or be
offended
»Pooh pooh my dear sir« returned Perker »I know you both a great deal
better than you know yourselves You have settled it already to all intents and
purposes«
Thus expressing himself the little gentleman poked his snuffbox first
into the chest of Mr Pickwick and then into the waistcoat of Mr Wardle upon
which they all three laughed but especially the two lastnamed gentlemen who
at once shook hands again without any obvious or particular reason
»You dine with me today« said Wardle to Perker as he showed them out
»Cant promise my dear sir cant promise« replied Perker »Ill look in
in the evening at all events«
»I shall expect you at five« said Wardle »Now Joe« And Joe having been
at length awakened the two friends departed in Mr Wardles carriage which in
common humanity had a dickey behind for the fat boy who if there had been a
footboard instead would have rolled off and killed himself in his very first
nap
Driving to the George and Vulture they found that Arabella and her maid had
sent for a hackneycoach immediately on the receipt of a short note from Emily
announcing her arrival in town and had proceeded straight to the Adelphi As
Wardle had business to transact in the city they sent the carriage and the fat
boy to his hotel with the information that he and Mr Pickwick would return
together to dinner at five oclock
Charged with this message the fat boy returned slumbering as peaceably in
his dickey over the stones as if it had been a down bed on watchsprings By
some extraordinary miracle he awoke of his own accord when the coach stopped
and giving himself a good shake to stir up his faculties went up stairs to
execute his commission
Now whether the shake had jumbled the fat boys faculties together instead
of arranging them in proper order or had roused such a quantity of new ideas
within him as to render him oblivious of ordinary forms and ceremonies or
which is also possible had proved unsuccessful in preventing his falling
asleep as he ascended the stairs it is an undoubted fact that he walked into
the sittingroom without previously knocking at the door and so beheld a
gentleman with his arms clasping his young mistresss waist sitting very
lovingly by her side on a sofa while Arabella and her pretty handmaid feigned
to be absorbed in looking out of a window at the other end of the room At sight
of this phenomenon the fat boy uttered an interjection the ladies a scream
and the gentleman an oath almost simultaneously
»Wretched creature what do you want here« said the gentleman who it is
needless to say was Mr Snodgrass
To this the fat boy considerably terrified briefly responded »Missis«
»What do you want me for« inquired Emily turning her head aside »you
stupid creature«
»Master and Mr Pickwick is a going to dine here at five« replied the fat
boy
»Leave the room« said Mr Snodgrass glaring upon the bewildered youth
»No no no« added Emily hastily »Bella dear advise me«
Upon this Emily and Mr Snodgrass and Arabella and Mary crowded into a
corner and conversed earnestly in whispers for some minutes during which the
fat boy dozed
»Joe« said Arabella at length looking round with a most bewitching smile
»how do you do Joe«
»Joe« said Emily »youre a very good boy I wont forget you Joe«
»Joe« said Mr Snodgrass advancing to the astonished youth and seizing
his hand »I didnt know you before Theres five shillings for you Joe«
»Ill owe you five Joe« said Arabella »for old acquaintance sake you
know« and another most captivating smile was bestowed upon the corpulent
intruder
The fat boys perception being slow he looked rather puzzled at first to
account for this sudden prepossession in his favour and stared about him in a
very alarming manner At length his broad face began to show symptoms of a grin
of proportionately broad dimensions and then thrusting halfacrown into each
of his pockets and a hand and wrist after it he burst into a horse laugh
being for the first and only time in his existence
»He understands us I see« said Arabella
»He had better have something to eat immediately« remarked Emily
The fat boy almost laughed again when he heard this suggestion Mary after
a little more whispering tripped forth from the group and said
»I am going to dine with you today sir if you have no objection«
»This way« said the fat boy eagerly »There is such a jolly meat pie«
With these words the fat boy led the way down stairs his pretty companion
captivating all the waiters and angering all the chambermaids as she followed
him to the eatingroom
There was the meatpie of which the youth had spoken so feelingly and there
were moreover a steak and a dish of potatoes and a pot of porter
»Sit down« said the fat boy »Oh my eye how prime I am so hungry«
Having apostrophised his eye in a species of rapture five or six times
the youth took the head of the little table and Mary seated herself at the
bottom
»Will you have some of this« said the fat boy plunging into the pie up to
the very ferules of the knife and fork
»A little if you please« replied Mary
The fat boy assisted Mary to a little and himself to a great deal and was
just going to begin eating when he suddenly laid down his knife and fork leant
forward in his chair and letting his hands with the knife and fork in them
fall on his knees said very slowly
»I say How nice you look«
This was said in an admiring manner and was so far gratifying but still
there was enough of the cannibal in the young gentlemans eyes to render the
compliment a double one
»Dear me Joseph« said Mary affecting to blush »what do you mean«
The fat boy gradually recovering his former position replied with a heavy
sigh and remaining thoughtful for a few moments drank a long draught of the
porter Having achieved this feat he sighed again and applied himself
assiduously to the pie
»What a nice young lady Miss Emily is« said Mary after a long silence
The fat boy had by this time finished the pie He fixed his eyes on Mary
and replied
»I knows a nicerer«
»Indeed« said Mary
»Yes indeed« replied the fat boy with unwonted vivacity
»Whats her name« inquired Mary
»Whats yours«
»Mary«
»Sos hers« said the fat boy »Youre her« The boy grinned to add point to
the compliment and put his eyes into something between a squint and a cast
which there is reason to believe he intended for an ogle
»You mustnt talk to me in that way« said Mary »you dont mean it«
»Dont I though« replied the fat boy »I say«
»Well«
»Are you going to come here regular«
»No« rejoined Mary shaking her head »Im going away again tonight Why«
»Oh« said the fat boy in a tone of strong feeling »how we should have
enjoyed ourselves at meals if you had been«
»I might come here sometimes perhaps to see you« said Mary plaiting the
tablecloth in assumed coyness »if you would do me a favour«
The fat boy looked from the piedish to the steak as if he thought a favour
must be in a manner connected with something to eat and then took out one of
the halfcrowns and glanced at it nervously
»Dont you understand me« said Mary looking slyly in his fat face
Again he looked at the halfcrown and said faintly »No«
»The ladies want you not to say anything to the old gentleman about the
young gentleman having been up stairs and I want you too«
»Is that all« said the fat boy evidently very much relieved as he pocketed
the halfcrown again »Of course I aint a going to«
»You see« said Mary »Mr Snodgrass is very fond of Miss Emily and Miss
Emilys very fond of him and if you were to tell about it the old gentleman
would carry you all away miles into the country where youd see nobody«
»No no I wont tell« said the fat boy stoutly
»Thats a dear« said Mary »Now its time I went up stairs and got my lady
ready for dinner«
»Dont go yet« urged the fat boy
»I must« replied Mary »Good bye for the present«
The fat boy with elephantine playfulness stretched out his arms to ravish
a kiss but as it required no great agility to elude him his fair enslaver had
vanished before he closed them again upon which the apathetic youth ate a pound
or so of steak with a sentimental countenance and fell fast asleep
There was so much to say up stairs and there were so many plans to concert
for elopement and matrimony in the event of old Wardle continuing to be cruel
that it wanted only half an hour of dinner when Mr Snodgrass took his final
adieu The ladies ran to Emilys bedroom to dress and the lover taking up his
hat walked out of the room He had scarcely got outside the door when he heard
Wardles voice talking loudly and looking over the banisters beheld him
followed by some other gentlemen coming straight up stairs Knowing nothing of
the house Mr Snodgrass in his confusion stepped hastily back into the room he
had just quitted and passing from thence into an inner apartment Mr Wardles
bedchamber closed the door softly just as the persons he had caught a
glimpse of entered the sittingroom These were Mr Wardle Mr Pickwick Mr
Nathaniel Winkle and Mr Benjamin Allen whom he had no difficulty in
recognising by their voices
»Very lucky I had the presence of mind to avoid them« thought Mr Snodgrass
with a smile and walking on tiptoe to another door near the bedside »this
opens into the same passage and I can walk quietly and comfortably away«
There was only one obstacle to his walking quietly and comfortably away
which was that the door was locked and the key gone
»Let us have some of your best wine today waiter« said old Wardle
rubbing his hands
»You shall have some of the very best sir« replied the waiter
»Let the ladies know we have come in«
»Yes sir«
Devoutly and ardently did Mr Snodgrass wish that the ladies could know he
had come in He ventured once to whisper »Waiter« through the keyhole but as
the probability of the wrong waiter coming to his relief flashed upon his mind
together with a sense of the strong resemblance between his own situation and
that in which another gentleman had been recently found in a neighbouring hotel
an account of whose misfortunes had appeared under the head of Police in that
mornings paper he sat himself on a portmanteau and trembled violently
»We wont wait a minute for Perker« said Wardle looking at his watch »he
is always exact He will be here in time if he means to come and if he does
not its of no use waiting Ha Arabella«
»My sister« exclaimed Mr Benjamin Allen folding her in a most romantic
embrace
»Oh Ben dear how you do smell of tobacco« said Arabella rather overcome
by this mark of affection
»Do I« said Mr Benjamin Allen »Do I Bella Well perhaps I do«
Perhaps he did having just left a pleasant little smoking party of twelve
medical students in a small back parlour with a large fire
»But I am delighted to see you« said Mr Ben Allen »Bless you Bella«
»There« said Arabella bending forward to kiss her brother »dont take
hold of me again Ben dear because you tumble me so«
At this point of the reconciliation Mr Ben Allen allowed his feelings and
the cigars and porter to overcome him and looked round upon the beholders with
damp spectacles
»Is nothing to be said to me« cried Wardle with open arms
»A great deal« whispered Arabella as she received the old gentlemans
hearty caress and congratulation »You are a hardhearted unfeeling cruel
monster«
»You are a little rebel« replied Wardle in the same tone »and I am afraid
I shall be obliged to forbid you the house People like you who get married in
spite of everybody ought not to be let loose on society But come« added the
old gentleman aloud »Heres the dinner you shall sit by me Joe why damn the
boy hes awake«
To the great distress of his master the fat boy was indeed in a state of
remarkable vigilance his eyes being wide open and looking as if they intended
to remain so There was an alacrity in his manner too which was equally
unaccountable every time his eyes met those of Emily or Arabella he smirked
and grinned once Wardle could have sworn he saw him wink
This alteration in the fat boys demeanour originated in his increased
sense of his own importance and the dignity he acquired from having been taken
into the confidence of the young ladies and the smirks and grins and winks
were so many condescending assurances that they might depend upon his fidelity
As these tokens were rather calculated to awaken suspicion than allay it and
were somewhat embarrassing besides they were occasionally answered by a frown
or shake of the head from Arabella which the fat boy considering as hints to be
on his guard expressed his perfect understanding of by smirking grinning and
winking with redoubled assiduity
»Joe« said Mr Wardle after an unsuccessful search in all his pockets »is
my snuffbox on the sofa«
»No sir« replied the fat boy
»Oh I recollect I left it on my dressingtable this morning« said Wardle
»Run into the next room and fetch it«
The fat boy went into the next room and having been absent about a minute
returned with the snuffbox and the palest face that ever a fat boy wore
»Whats the matter with the boy« exclaimed Wardle
»Nothens the matter with me« replied Joe nervously
»Have you been seeing any spirits« inquired the old gentleman
»Or taking any« added Ben Allen
»I think youre right« whispered Wardle across the table »He is
intoxicated Im sure«
Ben Allen replied that he thought he was and as that gentleman had seen a
vast deal of the disease in question Wardle was confirmed in an impression
which had been hovering about his mind for half an hour and at once arrived at
the conclusion that the fat boy was drunk
»Just keep your eye upon him for a few minutes« murmured Wardle »We shall
soon find out whether he is or not«
The unfortunate youth had only interchanged a dozen words with Mr
Snodgrass that gentleman having implored him to make a private appeal to some
friend to release him and then pushed him out with the snuffbox lest his
prolonged absence should lead to a discovery He ruminated a little with a most
disturbed expression of face and left the room in search of Mary
But Mary had gone home after dressing her mistress and the fat boy came
back again more disturbed than before
Wardle and Mr Ben Allen exchanged glances
»Joe« said Wardle
»Yes sir«
»What did you go away for«
The fat boy looked hopelessly in the face of everybody at table and
stammered out that he didnt know
»Oh« said Wardle »you dont know eh Take this cheese to Mr Pickwick«
Now Mr Pickwick being in the very best health and spirits had been making
himself perfectly delightful all dinnertime and was at this moment engaged in
an energetic conversation with Emily and Mr Winkle bowing his head
courteously in the emphasis of his discourse gently waving his left hand to
lend force to his observations and all glowing with placid smiles He took a
piece of cheese from the plate and was on the point of turning round to renew
the conversation when the fat boy stooping so as to bring his head on a level
with that of Mr Pickwick pointed with his thumb over his shoulder and made
the most horrible and hideous face that was ever seen out of a Christmas
pantomime
»Dear me« said Mr Pickwick starting »what a very eh« He stopped for
the fat boy had drawn himself up and was or pretended to be fast asleep
»Whats the matter« inquired Wardle
»This is such an extremely singular lad« replied Mr Pickwick looking
uneasily at the boy »It seems an odd thing to say but upon my word I am afraid
that at times he is a little deranged«
»Oh Mr Pickwick pray dont say so« cried Emily and Arabella both at
once
»I am not certain of course« said Mr Pickwick amidst profound silence
and looks of general dismay »but his manner to me this moment was really very
alarming Oh« ejaculated Mr Pickwick suddenly jumping up with a short scream
»I beg your pardon ladies but at that moment he ran some sharp instrument into
my leg Really he is not safe«
»Hes drunk« roared old Wardle passionately »Ring the bell Call the
waiters Hes drunk«
»I aint« said the fat boy falling on his knees as his master seized him
by the collar »I aint drunk«
»Then youre mad thats worse Call the waiters« said the old gentleman
»I aint mad Im sensible« rejoined the fat boy beginning to cry
»Then what the devil do you run sharp instruments into Mr Pickwicks legs
for« inquired Wardle angrily
»He wouldnt look at me« replied the boy »I wanted to speak to him«
»What did you want to say« asked half a dozen voices at once
The fat boy gasped looked at the bedroom door gasped again and wiped two
tears away with the knuckle of each of his forefingers
»What did you want to say« demanded Wardle shaking him
»Stop« said Mr Pickwick »allow me What did you wish to communicate to
me my poor boy«
»I want to whisper to you« replied the fat boy
»You want to bite his ear off I suppose« said Wardle »Dont come near
him hes vicious ring the bell and let him be taken down stairs«
Just as Mr Winkle caught the bellrope in his hand it was arrested by a
general expression of astonishment the captive lover his face burning with
confusion suddenly walked in from the bedroom and made a comprehensive bow to
the company
»Hallo« cried Wardle releasing the fat boys collar and staggering back
»Whats this«
»I have been concealed in the next room sir since you returned« explained
Mr Snodgrass
»Emily my girl« said Wardle reproachfully »I detest meanness and deceit
this is unjustifiable and indelicate in the highest degree I dont deserve this
at your hands Emily indeed«
»Dear papa« said Emily »Arabella knows everybody here knows Joe knows
that I was no party to this concealment Augustus for Heavens sake explain
it«
Mr Snodgrass who had only waited for a hearing at once recounted how he
had been placed in his then distressing predicament how the fear of giving rise
to domestic dissensions had alone prompted him to avoid Mr Wardle on his
entrance how he merely meant to depart by another door but finding it locked
had been compelled to stay against his will It was a painful situation to be
placed in but he now regretted it the less inasmuch as it afforded him an
opportunity of acknowledging before their mutual friends that he loved Mr
Wardles daughter deeply and sincerely that he was proud to avow that the
feeling was mutual and that if thousands of miles were placed between them or
oceans rolled their waters he could never for an instant forget those happy
days when first and so on
Having delivered himself to this effect Mr Snodgrass bowed again looked
into the crown of his hat and stepped towards the door
»Stop« shouted Wardle »Why in the name of all thats «
»Inflammable« mildly suggested Mr Pickwick who thought something worse
was coming
»Well thats inflammable« said Wardle adopting the substitute »couldnt
you say all this to me in the first instance?«
»Or confide in me« added Mr Pickwick
»Dear dear« said Arabella taking up the defence »what is the use of
asking all that now especially when you know you had set your covetous old
heart on a richer soninlaw and are so wild and fierce besides that everybody
is afraid of you except me Shake hands with him and order him some dinner
for goodness gracious sake for he looks halfstarved and pray have your wine
up at once for youll not be tolerable until you have taken two bottles at
least«
The worthy old gentleman pulled Arabellas ear kissed her without the
smallest scruple kissed his daughter also with great affection and shook Mr
Snodgrass warmly by the hand
»She is right on one point at all events« said the old gentleman
cheerfully »Ring for the wine«
The wine came and Perker came up stairs at the same moment Mr Snodgrass
had dinner at a side table and when he had despatched it drew his chair next
Emily without the smallest opposition on the old gentlemans part
The evening was excellent Little Mr Perker came out wonderfully told
various comic stories and sang a serious song which was almost as funny as the
anecdotes Arabella was very charming Mr Wardle very jovial Mr Pickwick very
harmonious Mr Ben Allen very uproarious the lovers very silent Mr Winkle
very talkative and all of them very happy
Chapter LV
Mr Solomon Pell Assisted by a Select Committee of Coachmen Arranges the
Affairs of the Elder Mr Weller
»Samivel« said Mr Weller accosting his son on the morning after the funeral
»Ive found it Sammy I thought it wos there«
»Thought wot wos were« inquired Sam
»Your motherinlaws vill Sammy« replied Mr Weller »In wirtue o vich
them arrangements is to be made as I told you on last night respectin the
funs«
»Wot didnt she tell you were it wos« inquired Sam
»Not a bit on it Sammy« replied Mr Weller »We wos a adjestin our little
differences and I wos a cheerin her spirits and bearin her up so that I
forgot to ask anythin about it I dont know as I should ha done it indeed if
I had remembered it« added Mr Weller »for its a rum sort o thing Sammy to
go a hankerin arter anybodys property ven youre assistin em in illness
Its like helping an outside passenger up ven hes been pitched off a coach
and puttin your hand in his pocket vile you ask him vith a sigh how he finds
hisself Sammy«
With this figurative illustration of his meaning Mr Weller unclasped his
pocketbook and drew forth a dirty sheet of letter paper on which were
inscribed various characters crowded together in remarkable confusion
»This here is the dockyment Sammy« said Mr Weller »I found it in the
little black teapot on the top shelf o the bar closet She used to keep bank
notes there afore she vos married Samivel Ive seen her take the lid off to
pay a bill many and many a time Poor creeter she might ha filled all the
teapots in the house vith vills and not have inconwenienced herself neither
for she took wery little of anythin in that vay lately cept on the Temperance
nights ven they just laid a foundation o tea to put the spirits atop on«
»What does it say« inquired Sam
»Jist vot I told you my boy« rejoined his parent »Two hundred pound vurth
o reduced counsels to my soninlaw Samivel and all the rest o my property
of evry kind and description votsoever to my husband Mr Tony Veller who I
appint as my sole eggzekiter«
»Thats all is it« said Sam
»Thats all« replied Mr Weller »And I spose as its all right and
satisfactory to you and me as is the only parties interested ve may as vell put
this bit o paper into the fire«
»Wot are you adoin on you lunatic« said Sam snatching the paper away
as his parent in all innocence stirred the fire preparatory to suiting the
action to the word »Youre a nice eggzekiter you are«
»Vy not« inquired Mr Weller looking sternly round with the poker in his
hand
»Vy not« exclaimed Sam »Cos it must be proved and probated and swore
to and all manner o formalities«
»You dont mean that« said Mr Weller laying down the poker
Sam buttoned the will carefully in a side pocket intimating by a look
meanwhile that he did mean it and very seriously too
»Then Ill tell you wot it is« said Mr Weller after a short meditation
»this is a case for that ere confidential pal o the Chancellorships Pell
must look into this Sammy Hes the man for a difficult question at law Vell
have this here brought afore the Solvent Court directly Samivel«
»I never did see such a addleheaded old creetur« exclaimed Sam irritably
»Old Baileys and Solvent Courts and alleybis and evry species o gammon
alvays a runnin through his brain Youd better get your out o door clothes
on and come to town about this bisness than stand a preachin there about wot
you dont understand nothin on«
»Wery good Sammy« replied Mr Weller »Im quite agreeable to anythin as
vill hexpedite business Sammy But mind this here my boy nobody but Pell
nobody but Pell as a legal adwiser«
»I dont want anybody else« replied Sam »Now are you acomin«
»Vait a minit Sammy« replied Mr Weller who having tied his shawl with
the aid of a small glass that hung in the window was now by dint of the most
wonderful exertions struggling into his upper garments »Vait a minit Sammy
ven you grow as old as your father you vont get into your veskit quite as easy
as you do now my boy«
»If I couldnt get into it easier than that Im blessed if Id vear vun at
all« rejoined his son
»You think so now« said Mr Weller with the gravity of age »but youll
find that as you get vider youll get viser Vidth and visdom Sammy alvays
grows together«
As Mr Weller delivered this infallible maxim the result of many years
personal experience and observation he contrived by a dexterous twist of his
body to get the bottom button of his coat to perform its office Having paused
a few seconds to recover breath he brushed his hat with his elbow and declared
himself ready
»As four heads is better than two Sammy« said Mr Weller as they drove
along the London Road in the chaise cart »and as all this here property is a
wery great temptation to a legal genlmn vell take a couple o friends o
mine vith us asll be wery soon down upon him if he comes anythin irreglar
two o them as saw you to the Fleet that day Theyre the wery best judges«
added Mr Weller in a half whisper »the wery best judges of a horse you ever
knowd«
»And of a lawyer too« inquired Sam
»The man as can form a ackerate judgment of a animal can form a ackerate
judgment of anythin« replied his father so dogmatically that Sam did not
attempt to controvert the position
In pursuance of this notable resolution the services of the mottledfaced
gentleman and of two other very fat coachmen selected by Mr Weller probably
with a view to their width and consequent wisdom were put into requisition
and this assistance having been secured the party proceeded to the publichouse
in Portugal Street whence a messenger was despatched to the Insolvent Court
over the way requiring Mr Solomon Pells immediate attendance
The messenger fortunately found Mr Solomon Pell in court regaling himself
business being rather slack with a cold collation of an Abernethy biscuit and a
saveloy The message was no sooner whispered in his ear than he thrust them in
his pocket among various professional documents and hurried over the way with
such alacrity that he reached the parlour before the messenger had even
emancipated himself from the court
»Gentlemen« said Mr Pell touching his hat »my service to you all I
dont say it to flatter you gentlemen but there are not five other men in the
world that Id have come out of that court for today«
»So busy eh« said Sam
»Busy« replied Pell »Im completely sewn up as my friend the late Lord
Chancellor many a time used to say to me gentlemen when he came out from
hearing appeals in the House of Lords Poor fellow he was very susceptible of
fatigue he used to feel those appeals uncommonly I actually thought more than
once that hed have sunk under em I did indeed«
Here Mr Pell shook his head and paused on which the elder Mr Weller
nudging his neighbour as begging him to mark the attorneys high connections
asked whether the duties in question produced any permanent ill effects on the
constitution of his noble friend
»I dont think he ever quite recovered them« replied Pell »in fact Im
sure he never did Pell he used to say to me many a time how the blazes you
can stand the headwork you do is a mystery to me Well I used to answer I
hardly know how I do it upon my life Pell hed add sighing and looking at
me with a little envy friendly envy you know gentlemen mere friendly envy
I never minded it Pell youre a wonder a wonder Ah youd have liked him
very much if you had known him gentlemen Bring me three pennorth of rum my
dear«
Addressing this latter remark to the waitress in a tone of subdued grief
Mr Pell sighed looked at his shoes and the ceiling and the rum having by
that time arrived drunk it up
»However« said Pell drawing a chair to the table »a professional man has
no right to think of his private friendships when his legal assistance is
wanted By the bye gentlemen since I saw you here before we have had to weep
over a very melancholy occurrence«
Mr Pell drew out a pockethandkerchief when he came to the word weep but
he made no further use of it than to wipe away a slight tinge of rum which hung
upon his upper lip
»I saw it in the Advertiser Mr Weller« continued Pell »Bless my soul
not more than fiftytwo Dear me only think«
These indications of a musing spirit were addressed to the mottledfaced
man whose eyes Mr Pell had accidentally caught on which the mottledfaced
man whose apprehension of matters in general was of a foggy nature moved
uneasily in his seat and opined that indeed so far as that went there was no
saying how things was brought about which observation involving one of those
subtle propositions which it is difficult to encounter in argument was
controverted by nobody
»I have heard it remarked that she was a very fine woman Mr Weller« said
Pell in a sympathising manner
»Yes sir she wos« replied the elder Mr Weller not much relishing this
mode of discussing the subject and yet thinking that the attorney from his
long intimacy with the late Lord Chancellor must know best on all matters of
polite breeding »She wos a wery fine ooman sir ven I first knowd her She
wos a widder sir at that time«
»Now its curious« said Pell looking round with a sorrowful smile »Mrs
Pell was a widow«
»Thats very extraordinary« said the mottledfaced man
»Well it is a curious coincidence« said Pell
»Not at all« gruffly remarked the elder Mr Weller »More widders is
married than single wimin«
»Very good very good« said Pell »youre quite right Mr Weller Mrs
Pell was a very elegant and accomplished woman her manners were the theme of
universal admiration in our neighbourhood I was proud to see that woman dance
there was something so firm and dignified and yet natural in her motion Her
cutting gentlemen was simplicity itself Ah well well Excuse my asking the
question Mr Samuel« continued the attorney in a lower voice »was your
motherinlaw tall«
»Not wery« replied Sam
»Mrs Pell was a tall figure« said Pell »a splendid woman with a noble
shape and a nose gentlemen formed to command and be majestic She was very
much attached to me very much highly connected too Her mothers brother
gentlemen failed for eight hundred pounds as a Law Stationer«
»Vell« said Mr Weller who had grown rather restless during this
discussion »vith regard to bisness«
The word was music to Pells ears He had been revolving in his mind whether
any business was to be transacted or whether he had been merely invited to
partake of a glass of brandy and water or a bowl of punch or any similar
professional compliment and now the doubt was set at rest without his appearing
at all eager for its solution His eyes glistened as he laid his hat on the
table and said
»What is the business upon which um Either of these gentlemen wish to go
through the court We require an arrest a friendly arrest will do you know we
are all friends here I suppose«
»Give me the dockyment Sammy« said Mr Weller taking the will from his
son who appeared to enjoy the interview amazingly »Wot we rekvire sir is a
probe o this here«
»Probate my dear sir probate« said Pell
»Well sir« replied Mr Weller sharply »probe and probe it is wery much
the same if you dont understand wot I mean sir I dessay I can find them as
does«
»No offence I hope Mr Weller« said Pell meekly »You are the executor
I see« he added casting his eyes over the paper
»I am sir« replied Mr Weller
»These other gentlemen I presume are legatees are they« inquired Pell
with a congratulatory smile
»Sammy is a legatease« replied Mr Weller »these other genlmn is
friends o mine just come to see fair a kind of umpires«
»Oh« said Pell »very good I have no objections Im sure I shall want a
matter of five pound of you before I begin ha ha ha«
It being decided by the committee that the five pound might be advanced Mr
Weller produced that sum after which a long consultation about nothing
particular took place in the course whereof Mr Pell demonstrated to the
perfect satisfaction of the gentlemen who saw fair that unless the management
of the business had been intrusted to him it must all have gone wrong for
reasons not clearly made out but no doubt sufficient This important point
being despatched Mr Pell refreshed himself with three chops and liquids both
malt and spirituous at the expense of the estate and then they all went away
to Doctors Commons
The next day there was another visit to Doctors Commons and a great to do
with an attesting hostler who being inebriated declined swearing anything but
profane oaths to the great scandal of a proctor and surrogate Next week there
were more visits to Doctors Commons and there was a visit to the Legacy Duty
Office besides and there were treaties entered into for the disposal of the
lease and business and ratifications of the same and inventories to be made
out and lunches to be taken and dinners to be eaten and so many profitable
things to be done and such a mass of papers accumulated that Mr Solomon Pell
and the boy and the blue bag to boot all got so stout that scarcely anybody
would have known them for the same man boy and bag that had loitered about
Portugal Street a few days before
At length all these weighty matters being arranged a day was fixed for
selling out and transferring the stock and of waiting with that view upon
Wilkins Flasher Esq stockbroker of somewhere near the Bank who had been
recommended by Mr Solomon Pell for the purpose
It was a kind of festive occasion and the parties were attired accordingly
Mr Wellers top were newly cleaned and his dress was arranged with peculiar
care the mottledfaced gentleman wore at his buttonhole a fullsized dahlia
with several leaves and the coats of his two friends were adorned with nosegays
of laurel and other evergreens All three were habited in strict holiday
costume that is to say they were wrapped up to the chins and wore as many
clothes as possible which is and has been a stagecoachmans idea of full
dress ever since stage coaches were invented
Mr Pell was waiting at the usual place of meeting at the appointed time
even Mr Pell wore a pair of gloves and a clean shirt much frayed at the collar
and wristbands by frequent washings
»A quarter to two« said Pell looking at the parlour clock »If we are with
Mr Flasher at a quarter past we shall just hit the best time«
»What should you say to a drop o beer genlmn« suggested the
mottledfaced man
»And a little bit o cold beef« said the second coachman
»Or a oyster« added the third who was a hoarse gentleman supported by
very round legs
»Hear hear« said Pell »to congratulate Mr Weller on his coming into
possession of his property eh ha ha«
»Im quite agreeable genlmn« answered Mr Weller »Sammy pull the
bell«
Sam complied and the porter cold beef and oysters being promptly
produced the lunch was done ample justice to Where everybody took so active a
part it is almost invidious to make a distinction but if one individual
evinced greater powers than another it was the coachman with the hoarse voice
who took an imperial pint of vinegar with his oysters without betraying the
least emotion
»Mr Pell sir« said the elder Mr Weller stirring a glass of brandy and
water of which one was placed before every gentleman when the oyster shells
were removed »Mr Pell sir it wos my intention to have proposed the funs on
this occasion but Samivel has vispered to me «
Here Mr Samuel Weller who had silently eaten his oysters with tranquil
smiles cried »Hear« in a very loud voice
» Has vispered to me« resumed his father »that it vould be better to
dewote the liquor to vishin you success and prosperity and thankin you for
the manner in which youve brought this here business through Heres your
health sir«
»Hold hard there« interposed the mottledfaced gentleman with sudden
energy »your eyes on me genlmn«
Saying this the mottledfaced gentleman rose as did the other gentlemen
The mottledfaced gentleman reviewed the company and slowly lifted his hand
upon which every man including him of the mottled countenance drew a long
breath and lifted his tumbler to his lips In one instant the mottledfaced
gentleman depressed his hand again and every glass was set down empty It is
impossible to describe the thrilling effect produced by this striking ceremony
At once dignified solemn and impressive it combined every element of
grandeur
»Well gentlemen« said Mr Pell »all I can say is that such marks of
confidence must be very gratifying to a professional man I dont wish to say
anything that might appear egotistical gentlemen but Im very glad for your
own sakes that you came to me thats all If you had gone to any low member of
the profession its my firm conviction and I assure you of it as a fact that
you would have found yourselves in Queer Street before this I could have wished
my noble friend had been alive to have seen my management of this case I dont
say it out of pride but I think however gentlemen I wont trouble you with
that Im generally to be found here gentlemen but if Im not here or over
the way thats my address Youll find my terms very cheap and reasonable and
no man attends more to his clients than I do and I hope I know a little of my
profession besides If you have any opportunity of recommending me to any of
your friends gentlemen I shall be very much obliged to you and so will they
too when they come to know me Your healths gentlemen«
With this expression of his feelings Mr Solomon Pell laid three small
written cards before Mr Wellers friends and looking at the clock again
feared it was time to be walking Upon this hint Mr Weller settled the bill
and issuing forth the executor legatee attorney and umpires directed their
steps towards the City
The office of Wilkins Flasher Esquire of the Stock Exchange was in a
first floor up a court behind the Bank of England the house of Wilkins Flasher
Esquire was at Brixton Surrey the horse and stanhope of Wilkins Flasher
Esquire were at an adjacent livery stable the groom of Wilkins Flasher
Esquire was on his way to the West End to deliver some game the clerk of
Wilkins Flasher Esquire had gone to his dinner and so Wilkins Flasher
Esquire himself cried »Come in« when Mr Pell and his companions knocked at
the countinghouse door
»Good morning sir« said Pell bowing obsequiously »We want to make a
little transfer if you please«
»Oh come in will you« said Mr Flasher »Sit down a minute Ill attend
to you directly«
»Thank you sir« said Pell »theres no hurry Take a chair Mr Weller«
Mr Weller took a chair and Sam took a box and the umpires took what they
could get and looked at the almanack and one or two papers which were wafered
against the wall with as much openeyed reverence as if they had been the
finest efforts of the old masters
»Well Ill bet you half a dozen of claret on it come« said Wilkins
Flasher Esquire resuming the conversation to which Mr Pells entrance had
caused a momentary interruption
This was addressed to a very smart young gentleman who wore his hat on his
right whisker and was lounging over the desk killing flies with a ruler
Wilkins Flasher Esquire was balancing himself on two legs of an office stool
spearing a waferbox with a penknife which he dropped every now and then with
great dexterity into the very centre of a small red wafer that was stuck
outside Both gentlemen had very open waistcoats and very rolling collars and
very small boots and very big rings and very little watches and very large
guard chains and symmetrical inexpressibles and scented pockethandkerchiefs
»I never bet half a dozen« said the other gentleman »Ill take a dozen«
»Done Simmery done« said Wilkins Flasher Esquire
»PP mind« observed the other
»Of course« replied Wilkins Flasher Esquire Wilkins Flasher Esquire
entered it in a little book with a gold pencilcase and the other gentleman
entered it also in another little book with another gold pencilcase
»I see theres a notice up this morning about Boffer« observed Mr Simmery
»Poor devil hes expelled the house«
»Ill bet you ten guineas to five he cuts his throat« said Wilkins
Flasher Esquire
»Done« replied Mr Simmery
»Stop I bar« said Wilkins Flasher Esquire thoughtfully »Perhaps he may
hang himself«
»Very good« rejoined Mr Simmery pulling out the gold pencilcase again
»Ive no objection to take you that way Say makes away with himself«
»Kills himself in fact« said Wilkins Flasher Esquire
»Just so« replied Mr Simmery putting it down »Flasher ten guineas to
five Boffer kills himself Within what time shall we say?«
»A fortnight« suggested Wilkins Flasher Esquire
»Confound it no« rejoined Mr Simmery stopping for an instant to smash a
fly with the ruler »Say a week«
»Split the difference« said Wilkins Flasher Esquire »Make it ten days«
»Well ten days« rejoined Mr Simmery
So it was entered down in the little books that Boffer was to kill himself
within ten days or Wilkins Flasher Esquire was to hand over to Frank Simmery
Esquire the sum of ten guineas and that if Boffer did kill himself within that
time Frank Simmery Esquire would pay to Wilkins Flasher Esquire five
guineas instead
»Im very sorry he has failed« said Wilkins Flasher Esquire »Capital
dinners he gave«
»Fine port he had too« remarked Mr Simmery »We are going to send our
butler to the sale tomorrow to pick up some of that sixtyfour«
»The devil you are« said Wilkins Flasher Esquire »My mans going too
Five guineas my man outbids your man«
»Done«
Another entry was made in the little books with the gold pencilcases and
Mr Simmery having by this time killed all the flies and taken all the bets
strolled away to the Stock Exchange to see what was going forward
Wilkins Flasher Esquire now condescended to receive Mr Solomon Pells
instructions and having filled up some printed forms requested the party to
follow him to the Bank which they did Mr Weller and his three friends staring
at all they beheld in unbounded astonishment and Sam encountering everything
with a coolness which nothing could disturb
Crossing a courtyard which was all noise and bustle and passing a couple
of porters who seemed dressed to match the red fire engine which was wheeled
away into a corner they passed into an office where their business was to be
transacted and where Pell and Mr Flasher left them standing for a few moments
while they went up stairs into the Will Office
»Wot place is this here« whispered the mottledfaced gentleman to the elder
Mr Weller
»Counsels Office« replied the executor in a whisper
»Wot are them genlmen a settin behind the counters« asked the hoarse
coachman
»Reduced counsels I spose« replied Mr Weller »Aint they the reduced
counsels Samivel«
»Wy you dont suppose the reduced counsels is alive do you« inquired Sam
with some disdain
»How should I know« retorted Mr Weller »I thought they looked wery like
it Wot are they then«
»Clerks« replied Sam
»Wot are they all a eatin ham sangwidges for« inquired his father
»Cos its in their dooty I suppose« replied Sam »its a part o the
system theyre alvays a doin it here all day long«
Mr Weller and his friends had scarcely had a moment to reflect upon this
singular regulation as connected with the monetary system of the country when
they were rejoined by Pell and Wilkins Flasher Esquire who led them to a part
of the counter above which was a round black board with a large W on it
»Wots that for sir« inquired Mr Weller directing Pells attention to
the target in question
»The first letter of the name of the deceased« replied Pell
»I say« said Mr Weller turning round to the umpires »Theres somethin
wrong here Wes our letter this wont do«
The referees at once gave it as their decided opinion that the business
could not be legally proceeded with under the letter W and in all probability
it would have stood over for one day at least had it not been for the prompt
though at first sight undutiful behaviour of Sam who seizing his father by
the skirt of the coat dragged him to the counter and pinned him there until
he had affixed his signature to a couple of instruments which from Mr Wellers
habit of printing was a work of so much labour and time that the officiating
clerk peeled and ate three Ribston pippins while it was performing
As the elder Mr Weller insisted on selling out his portion forthwith they
proceeded from the Bank to the gate of the Stock Exchange to which Wilkins
Flasher Esquire after a short absence returned with a cheque on Smith Payne
and Smith for five hundred and thirty pounds that being the sum of money to
which Mr Weller at the market price of the day was entitled in consideration
of the balance of the second Mrs Wellers funded savings Sams two hundred
pounds stood transferred to his name and Wilkins Flasher Esquire having been
paid his commission dropped the money carelessly into his coat pocket and
lounged back to his office
Mr Weller was at first obstinately determined on cashing the cheque in
nothing but sovereigns but it being represented by the umpires that by so doing
he must incur the expense of a small sack to carry them home in he consented to
receive the amount in fivepound notes
»My son« said Mr Weller as they came out of the bankinghouse »my son and
me has a wery particular engagement this arternoon and I should like to have
this here bisness settled out of hand so lets jest go straight avay
someveres vere ve can hordit the accounts«
A quiet room was soon found and the accounts were produced and audited Mr
Pells bill was taxed by Sam and some charges were disallowed by the umpires
but notwithstanding Mr Pells declaration accompanied with many solemn
asseverations that they were really too hard upon him it was by very many
degrees the best professional job he had ever had and one on which he boarded
lodged and washed for six months afterwards
The umpires having partaken of a dram shook hands and departed as they had
to drive out of town that night Mr Solomon Pell finding that nothing more was
going forward either in the eating or drinking way took a friendly leave and
Sam and his father were left alone
»There« said Mr Weller thrusting his pocketbook in his side pocket
»Vith the bills for the lease and that theres eleven hundred and eighty pound
here Now Samivel my boy turn the horses heads to the George and Wulter«
Chapter LVI
An Important Conference Takes Place between Mr Pickwick and Samuel Weller at
Which His Parent Assists An Old Gentleman in a SnuffColoured Suit Arrives
Unexpectedly
Mr Pickwick was sitting alone musing over many things and thinking among
other considerations how he could best provide for the young couple whose
present unsettled condition was matter of constant regret and anxiety to him
when Mary stepped lightly into the room and advancing to the table said
rather hastily
»Oh if you please sir Samuel is down stairs and he says may his father
see you«
»Surely« replied Mr Pickwick
»Thank you sir« said Mary tripping towards the door again
»Sam has not been here long has he« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Oh no sir« replied Mary eagerly »He has only just come home He is not
going to ask you for any more leave sir he says«
Mary might have been conscious that she had communicated this last
intelligence with more warmth than seemed actually necessary or she might have
observed the goodhumoured smile with which Mr Pickwick regarded her when she
had finished speaking She certainly held down her head and examined the corner
of a very smart little apron with more closeness than there appeared any
absolute occasion for
»Tell them they can come up at once by all means« said Mr Pickwick
Mary apparently much relieved hurried away with her message
Mr Pickwick took two or three turns up and down the room and rubbing his
chin with his left hand as he did so appeared lost in thought
»Well well« said Mr Pickwick at length in a kind but somewhat melancholy
tone »it is the best way in which I could reward him for his attachment and
fidelity let it be so in Heavens name It is the fate of a lonely old man
that those about him should form new and different attachments and leave him I
have no right to expect that it should be otherwise with me No no« added Mr
Pickwick more cheerfully »it would be selfish and ungrateful I ought to be
happy to have an opportunity of providing for him so well I am Of course I
am«
Mr Pickwick had been so absorbed in these reflections that a knock at the
door was three or four times repeated before he heard it Hastily seating
himself and calling up his accustomed pleasant looks he gave the required
permission and Sam Weller entered followed by his father
»Glad to see you back again Sam« said Mr Pickwick »How do you do Mr
Weller«
»Wery hearty thankee sir« replied the widower »hope I see you well
sir«
»Quite I thank you« replied Mr Pickwick
»I wanted to have a little bit o conwersation with you sir« said Mr
Weller »if you could spare me five minits or so sir«
»Certainly« replied Mr Pickwick »Sam give your father a chair«
»Thankee Samivel Ive got a cheer here« said Mr Weller bringing one
forward as he spoke »uncommon fine day its been sir« added the old
gentleman laying his hat on the floor as he sat himself down
»Remarkably so indeed« replied Mr Pickwick »Very seasonable«
»Seasonablest veather I ever see sir« rejoined Mr Weller Here the old
gentleman was seized with a violent fit of coughing which being terminated he
nodded his head and winked and made several supplicatory and threatening
gestures to his son all of which Sam Weller steadily abstained from seeing
Mr Pickwick perceiving that there was some embarrassment on the old
gentlemans part affected to be engaged in cutting the leaves of a book that
lay beside him and waited patiently until Mr Weller should arrive at the
object of his visit
»I never see sich a aggerawatin boy as you are Samivel« said Mr Weller
looking indignantly at his son »never in all my born days«
»What is he doing Mr Weller« inquired Mr Pickwick
»He vont begin sir« rejoined Mr Weller »he knows I aint ekal to
expressin myself ven theres anythin partickler to be done and yet hell
stand and see me a settin here takin up your walable time and makin a
reglar spectacle o myself rayther than help me out vith a syllable It aint
filial conduct Samivel« said Mr Weller wiping his forehead »wery far from
it«
»You said youd speak« replied Sam »how should I know you wos done up at
the wery beginnin«
»You might ha seen I warnt able to start« rejoined his father »Im on
the wrong side of the road and backin into the palins and all manner of
unpleasantness and yet you vont put out a hand to help me Im ashamed on you
Samivel«
»The fact is sir« said Sam with a slight bow »the govners been a
drawin his money«
»Wery good Samivel wery good« said Mr Weller nodding his head with a
satisfied air »I didnt mean to speak harsh to you Sammy Wery good Thats
the vay to begin Come to the pint at once Wery good indeed Samivel«
Mr Weller nodded his head an extraordinary number of times in the excess
of his gratification and waited in a listening attitude for Sam to resume his
statement
»You may sit down Sam« said Mr Pickwick apprehending that the interview
was likely to prove rather longer than he had expected
Sam bowed again and sat down his father looking round he continued
»The govner sir has drawn out five hundred and thirty pound«
»Reduced counsels« interposed Mr Weller senior in an undertone
»It dont much matter vether its reduced counsels or wot not« said Sam
»five hundred and thirty pound is the sum aint it«
»All right Samivel« replied Mr Weller
»To vich sum he has added for the house and bisness «
»Lease goodvill stock and fixters« interposed Mr Weller
»As much as makes it« continued Sam »altogether eleven hundred and
eighty pound«
»Indeed« said Mr Pickwick »I am delighted to hear it I congratulate you
Mr Weller on having done so well«
»Vait a minit sir« said Mr Weller raising his hand in a deprecatory
manner »Get on Samivel«
»This here money« said Sam with a little hesitation »hes anxious to put
someveres vere he knows itll be safe and Im wery anxious too for if he
keeps it hell go a lendin it to somebody or inwestin property in horses or
droppin his pocketbook down a airy or makin a Egyptian mummy of hisself in
some vay or another«
»Wery good Samivel« observed Mr Weller in as complacent a manner as if
Sam had been passing the highest eulogiums on his prudence and foresight »Wery
good«
»For vich reasons« continued Sam plucking nervously at the brim of his
hat »for vich reasons hes drawd it out today and come here vith me to say
leastvays to offer or in other vords to «
» To say this here« said the elder Mr Weller impatiently »that it aint
o no use to me Im a goin to vork a coach reglar and hant got noveres to
keep it in unless I vos to pay the guard for takin care on it or to put it in
vun o the coach pockets vich ud be a temptation to the insides If youll
take care on it for me sir I shall be very much obliged to you Praps« said
Mr Weller walking up to Mr Pickwick and whispering in his ear »praps itll
go a little vay towards the expenses o that ere conwiction All I say is just
you keep it till I ask you for it again« With these words Mr Weller placed
the pocketbook in Mr Pickwicks hands caught up his hat and ran out of the
room with a celerity scarcely to be expected from so corpulent a subject
»Stop him Sam« exclaimed Mr Pickwick earnestly »Overtake him bring him
back instantly Mr Weller here come back«
Sam saw that his masters injunctions were not to be disobeyed and catching
his father by the arm as he was descending the stairs dragged him back by main
force
»My good friend« said Mr Pickwick taking the old man by the hand »your
honest confidence overpowers me«
»I dont see no occasion for nothin o the kind sir« replied Mr Weller
obstinately
»I assure you my good friend I have more money than I can ever need far
more than a man at my age can ever live to spend« said Mr Pickwick
»No man knows how much he can spend till he tries« observed Mr Weller
»Perhaps not« replied Mr Pickwick »but as I have no intention of trying
any such experiments I am not likely to come to want I must beg you to take
this back Mr Weller«
»Wery well« said Mr Weller with a discontented look »Mark my vords
Sammy Ill do somethin desperate vith this here property somethin
desperate«
»Youd better not« replied Sam
Mr Weller reflected for a short time and then buttoning up his coat with
great determination said
»Ill keep a pike«
»Wot« exclaimed Sam
»A pike« rejoined Mr Weller through his set teeth »Ill keep a pike Say
good bye to your father Samivel I dewote the remainder o my days to a pike«
This threat was such an awful one and Mr Weller besides appearing fully
resolved to carry it into execution seemed so deeply mortified by Mr
Pickwicks refusal that that gentleman after a short reflection said
»Well well Mr Weller I will keep the money I can do more good with it
perhaps than you can«
»Just the wery thing to be sure« said Mr Weller brightening up »o
course you can sir«
»Say no more about it« said Mr Pickwick locking the pocketbook in his
desk »I am heartily obliged to you my good friend Now sit down again I want
to ask your advice«
The internal laughter occasioned by the triumphant success of his visit
which had convulsed not only Mr Wellers face but his arms legs and body
also during the locking up of the pocketbook suddenly gave place to the most
dignified gravity as he heard these words
»Wait outside a few minutes Sam will you« said Mr Pickwick
Sam immediately withdrew
Mr Weller looked uncommonly wise and very much amazed when Mr Pickwick
opened the discourse by saying
»You are not an advocate for matrimony I think Mr Weller«
Mr Weller shook his head He was wholly unable to speak vague thoughts of
some wicked widow having been successful in her designs on Mr Pickwick choked
his utterance
»Did you happen to see a young girl down stairs when you came in just now
with your son« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Yes I see a young gal« replied Mr Weller shortly
»What did you think of her now Candidly Mr Weller what did you think of
her«
»I thought she wos wery plump and vell made« said Mr Weller with a
critical air
»So she is« said Mr Pickwick »so she is What did you think of her
manners from what you saw of her«
»Wery pleasant« rejoined Mr Weller »Wery pleasant and conformable«
The precise meaning which Mr Weller attached to this lastmentioned
adjective did not appear but as it was evident from the tone in which he used
it that it was a favourable expression Mr Pickwick was as well satisfied as if
he had been thoroughly enlightened on the subject
»I take a great interest in her Mr Weller« said Mr Pickwick
Mr Weller coughed
»I mean an interest in her doing well« resumed Mr Pickwick »a desire that
she may be comfortable and prosperous You understand«
»Wery clearly« replied Mr Weller who understood nothing yet
»That young person« said Mr Pickwick »is attached to your son«
»To Samivel Veller« exclaimed the parent
»Yes« said Pickwick
»Its natral« said Mr Weller after some consideration »natral but
rayther alarmin Sammy must be careful«
»How do you mean« inquired Mr Pickwick
»Wery careful that he dont say nothin to her« responded Mr Weller »Wery
careful that he aint led avay in a innocent moment to say anythink as may
lead to a conwiction for breach Youre never safe vith em Mr Pickwick ven
they vunce has designs on you theres no knowin vere to have em and vile
youre aconsidering of it they have you I wos married fust that vay myself
sir and Sammy wos the consekens o the manoover«
»You give me no great encouragement to conclude what I have to say«
observed Mr Pickwick »but I had better do so at once This young person is not
only attached to your son Mr Weller but your son is attached to her«
»Vell« said Mr Weller »this heres a pretty sort o thing to come to a
fathers ears this is«
»I have observed them on several occasions« said Mr Pickwick making no
comment on Mr Wellers last remark »and entertain no doubt at all about it
Supposing I were desirous of establishing them comfortably as man and wife in
some little business or situation where they might hope to obtain a decent
living what should you think of it Mr Weller«
At first Mr Weller received with wry faces a proposition involving the
marriage of anybody in whom he took an interest but as Mr Pickwick argued the
point with him and laid great stress on the fact that Mary was not a widow he
gradually became more tractable Mr Pickwick had great influence over him and
he had been much struck with Marys appearance having in fact bestowed
several very unfatherly winks upon her already At length he said that it was
not for him to oppose Mr Pickwicks inclination and that he would be very
happy to yield to his advice upon which Mr Pickwick joyfully took him at his
word and called Sam back into the room
»Sam« said Mr Pickwick clearing his throat »your father and I have been
having some conversation about you«
»About you Samivel« said Mr Weller in a patronising and impressive
voice
»I am not so blind Sam as not to have seen a long time since that you
entertain something more than a friendly feeling towards Mrs Winkles maid«
said Mr Pickwick
»You hear this Samivel« said Mr Weller in the same judicial form of
speech as before
»I hope sir« said Sam addressing his master »I hope theres no harm in a
young man takin notice of a young ooman as is undeniably goodlooking and
wellconducted«
»Certainly not« said Mr Pickwick
»Not by no means« acquiesced Mr Weller affably but magisterially
»So far from thinking there is anything wrong in conduct so natural«
resumed Mr Pickwick »it is my wish to assist and promote your wishes in this
respect With this view I have had a little conversation with your father and
finding that he is of my opinion «
»The lady not bein a widder« interposed Mr Weller in explanation
»The lady not being a widow« said Mr Pickwick smiling »I wish to free
you from the restraint which your present position imposes upon you and to mark
my sense of your fidelity and many excellent qualities by enabling you to marry
this girl at once and to earn an independent livelihood for yourself and
family I shall be proud Sam« said Mr Pickwick whose voice had faltered a
little hitherto but now resumed its customary tone »proud and happy to make
your future prospects in life my grateful and peculiar care«
There was a profound silence for a short time and then Sam said in a low
husky sort of voice but firmly withal
»Im very much obliged to you for your goodness sir as is only like
yourself but it cant be done«
»Cant be done« ejaculated Mr Pickwick in astonishment
»Samivel« said Mr Weller with dignity
»I say it cant be done« repeated Sam in a louder key »Wots to become of
you sir«
»My good fellow« replied Mr Pickwick »the recent changes among my friends
will alter my mode of life in future entirely besides I am growing older and
want repose and quiet My rambles Sam are over«
»How do I know that ere sir« argued Sam »You think so now Spose you
wos to change your mind vich is not unlikely for youve the spirit o
fiveandtventy in you still what ud become on you vithout me It cant be
done sir it cant be done«
»Wery good Samivel theres a good deal in that« said Mr Weller
encouragingly
»I speak after long deliberation Sam and with the certainty that I shall
keep my word« said Mr Pickwick shaking his head »New scenes have closed upon
me my rambles are at an end«
»Wery good« rejoined Sam »Then thats the wery best reason wy you should
alvays have somebody by you as understands you to keep you up and make you
comfortable If you vant a more polished sort o feller vell and good have
him but vages or no vages notice or no notice board or no board lodgin or
no lodgin Sam Veller as you took from the old inn in the Borough sticks by
you come what come may and let evrythin and evrybody do their wery
fiercest nothin shall ever perwent it«
At the close of this declaration which Sam made with great emotion the
elder Mr Weller rose from his chair and forgetting all considerations of
time place or propriety waved his hat above his head and gave three vehement
cheers
»My good fellow« said Mr Pickwick when Mr Weller had sat down again
rather abashed at his own enthusiasm »you are bound to consider the young woman
also«
»I do consider the young ooman sir« said Sam »I have considered the
young ooman Ive spoke to her Ive told her how Im sitivated shes ready to
vait till Im ready and I believe she vill If she dont shes not the young
ooman I take her for and I give her up vith readiness Youve knowd me afore
sir My minds made up and nothin can ever alter it«
Who could combat this resolution Not Mr Pickwick He derived at that
moment more pride and luxury of feeling from the disinterested attachment of
his humble friends than ten thousand protestations from the greatest men living
could have awakened in his heart
While this conversation was passing in Mr Pickwicks room a little old
gentleman in a suit of snuff clothes followed by a porter carrying a small
portmanteau presented himself below and after securing a bed for the night
inquired of the waiter whether one Mrs Winkle was staying there to which
question the waiter of course responded in the affirmative
»Is she alone« inquired the little old gentleman
»I believe she is sir« replied the waiter »I can call her own maid sir
if you «
»No I dont want her« said the old gentleman quickly »Show me to her room
without announcing me«
»Eh sir« said the waiter
»Are you deaf« inquired the little old gentleman
»No sir«
»Then listen if you please Can you hear me now«
»Yes sir«
»Thats well Show me to Mrs Winkles room without announcing me«
As the little old gentleman uttered this command he slipped five shillings
into the waiters hand and looked steadily at him
»Really sir« said the waiter »I dont know sir whether «
»Ah youll do it I see« said the little old gentleman »You had better do
it at once It will save time«
There was something so very cool and collected in the gentlemans manner
that the waiter put the five shillings in his pocket and led him up stairs
without another word
»This is the room is it« said the gentleman »You may go«
The waiter complied wondering much who the gentleman could be and what he
wanted the little old gentleman waiting till he was out of sight tapped at the
door
»Come in« said Arabella
»Um a pretty voice at any rate« murmured the little old gentleman »but
thats nothing« As he said this he opened the door and walked in Arabella
who was sitting at work rose on beholding a stranger a little confused but
by no means ungracefully so
»Pray dont rise maam« said the unknown walking in and closing the door
after him »Mrs Winkle I believe«
Arabella inclined her head
»Mrs Nathaniel Winkle who married the son of the old man at Birmingham«
said the stranger eyeing Arabella with visible curiosity
Again Arabella inclined her head and looked uneasily round as if
uncertain whether to call for assistance
»I surprise you I see maam« said the old gentleman
»Rather I confess« replied Arabella wondering more and more
»Ill take a chair if youll allow me maam« said the stranger
He took one and drawing a spectaclecase from his pocket leisurely pulled
out a pair of spectacles which he adjusted on his nose
»You dont know me maam« he said looking so intently at Arabella that
she began to feel alarmed
»No sir« she replied timidly
»No« said the gentleman nursing his left leg »I dont know how you
should You know my name though maam«
»Do I« said Arabella trembling though she scarcely knew why »May I ask
what it is«
»Presently maam presently« said the stranger not having yet removed his
eyes from her countenance »You have been recently married maam«
»I have« replied Arabella in a scarcely audible tone laying aside her
work and becoming greatly agitated as a thought that had occurred to her
before struck more forcibly upon her mind
»Without having represented to your husband the propriety of first
consulting his father on whom he is dependent I think« said the stranger
Arabella applied her handkerchief to her eyes
»Without an endeavour even to ascertain by some indirect appeal what
were the old mans sentiments on a point in which he would naturally feel much
interested« said the stranger
»I cannot deny it sir« said Arabella
»And without having sufficient property of your own to afford your husband
any permanent assistance in exchange for the worldly advantages which you knew
he would have gained if he had married agreeably to his fathers wishes« said
the old gentleman »This is what boys and girls call disinterested affection
till they have boys and girls of their own and then they see it in a rougher
and very different light«
Arabellas tears flowed fast as she pleaded in extenuation that she was
young and inexperienced that her attachment had alone induced her to take the
step to which she had resorted and that she had been deprived of the counsel
and guidance of her parents almost from infancy
»It was wrong« said the old gentleman in a milder tone »very wrong It was
foolish romantic unbusinesslike«
»It was my fault all my fault sir« replied poor Arabella weeping
»Nonsense« said the old gentleman »it was not your fault that he fell in
love with you I suppose Yes it was thought« said the old gentleman looking
rather slyly at Arabella »It was your fault He couldnt help it«
This little compliment or the little gentlemans odd way of paying it or
his altered manner so much kinder than it was at first or all three
together forced a smile from Arabella in the midst of her tears
»Wheres your husband« inquired the old gentleman abruptly stopping a
smite which was just coming over his own face
»I expect him every instant sir« said Arabella »I persuaded him to take a
walk this morning He is very low and wretched at not having heard from his
father«
»Low is he« said the old gentleman »Serve him right«
»He feels it on my account I am afraid« said Arabella »and indeed sir I
feel it deeply on his I have been the sole means of bringing him to his present
condition«
»Dont mind it on his account my dear« said the old gentleman »It serves
him right I am glad of it actually glad of it as far as he is concerned«
The words were scarcely out of the old gentlemans lips when footsteps were
heard ascending the stairs which he and Arabella seemed both to recognise at
the same moment The little gentleman turned pale and making a strong effort to
appear composed stood up as Mr Winkle entered the room
»Father« cried Mr Winkle recoiling in amazement
»Yes sir« replied the little old gentleman »Well sir what have you got
to say to me«
Mr Winkle remained silent
»You are ashamed of yourself I hope sir« said the old gentleman
Still Mr Winkle said nothing
»Are you ashamed of yourself sir or are you not« inquired the old
gentleman
»No sir« replied Mr Winkle drawing Arabellas arm through his »I am not
ashamed of myself or of my wife either«
»Upon my word« cried the old gentleman ironically
»I am very sorry to have done anything which has lessened your affection for
me sir« said Mr Winkle »but I will say at the same time that I have no
reason to be ashamed of having this lady for my wife nor you of having her for
a daughter«
»Give me your hand Nat« said the old gentleman in an altered voice »Kiss
me my love You are a very charming little daughterinlaw after all«
In a few minutes time Mr Winkle went in search of Mr Pickwick and
returning with that gentleman presented him to his father whereupon they shook
hands for five minutes incessantly
»Mr Pickwick I thank you most heartily for all your kindness to my son«
said old Mr Winkle in a bluff straightforward way »I am a hasty fellow and
when I saw you last I was vexed and taken by surprise I have judged for myself
now and am more than satisfied Shall I make any more apologies Mr Pickwick«
»Not one« replied that gentleman »You have done the only thing wanting to
complete my happiness«
Hereupon there was another shaking of hands for five minutes longer
accompanied by a great number of complimentary speeches which besides being
complimentary had the additional and very novel recommendation of being
sincere
Sam had dutifully seen his father to the Bell Sauvage when on returning
he encountered the fat boy in the court who had been charged with the delivery
of a note from Emily Wardle
»I say« said Joe who was unusually loquacious »what a pretty girl Mary
is isnt she I am so fond of her I am«
Mr Weller made no verbal remark in reply but eyeing the fat boy for a
moment quite transfixed at his presumption led him by the collar to the
corner and dismissed him with a harmless but ceremonious kick After which he
walked home whistling
Chapter LVII
In Which the Pickwick Club Is Finally Dissolved and Everything Concluded to the
Satisfaction of Everybody
For a whole week after the happy arrival of Mr Winkle from Birmingham Mr
Pickwick and Sam Weller were from home all day long only returning just in time
for dinner and then wearing an air of mystery and importance quite foreign to
their natures It was evident that very grave and eventful proceedings were on
foot but various surmises were afloat respecting their precise character Some
among whom was Mr Tupman were disposed to think that Mr Pickwick
contemplated a matrimonial alliance but this idea the ladies most strenuously
repudiated Others rather inclined to the belief that he had projected some
distant tour and was at present occupied in effecting the preliminary
arrangements but this again was stoutly denied by Sam himself who had
unequivocally stated when crossexamined by Mary that no new journeys were to be
undertaken At length when the brains of the whole party had been racked for
six long days by unavailing speculation it was unanimously resolved that Mr
Pickwick should be called upon to explain his conduct and to state distinctly
why he had thus absented himself from the society of his admiring friends
With this view Mr Wardle invited the full circle to dinner at the Adelphi
and the decanters having been twice sent round opened the business
»We are all anxious to know« said the old gentleman »what we have done to
offend you and to induce you to desert us and devote yourself to these solitary
walks«
»Are you« said Mr Pickwick »It is singular enough that I had intended to
volunteer a full explanation this very day so if you will give me another
glass of wine I will satisfy your curiosity«
The decanters passed from hand to hand with unwonted briskness and Mr
Pickwick looking round on the faces of his friends with a cheerful smile
proceeded
»All the changes that have taken place among us« said Mr Pickwick »I mean
the marriage that has taken place and the marriage that will take place with
the changes they involve rendered it necessary for me to think soberly and at
once upon my future plans I determined on retiring to some quiet pretty
neighbourhood in the vicinity of London I saw a house which exactly suited my
fancy I have taken it and furnished it It is fully prepared for my reception
and I intend entering upon it at once trusting that I may yet live to spend
many quiet years in peaceful retirement cheered through life by the society of
my friends and followed in death by their affectionate remembrance«
Here Mr Pickwick paused and a low murmur ran round the table
»The house I have taken« said Mr Pickwick »is at Dulwich It has a large
garden and is situated in one of the most pleasant spots near London It has
been fitted up with every attention to substantial comfort perhaps to a little
elegance besides but of that you shall judge for yourselves Sam accompanies me
there I have engaged on Perkers representation a housekeeper a very old
one and such other servants as she thinks I shall require I propose to
consecrate this little retreat by having a ceremony in which I take a great
interest performed there I wish if my friend Wardle entertains no objection
that his daughter should be married from my new house on the day I take
possession of it The happiness of young people« said Mr Pickwick a little
moved »has ever been the chief pleasure of my life It will warm my heart to
witness the happiness of those friends who are dearest to me beneath my own
roof«
Mr Pickwick paused again Emily and Arabella sobbed audibly
»I have communicated both personally and by letter with the club« resumed
Mr Pickwick »acquainting them with my intention During our long absence it
had suffered much from internal dissensions and the withdrawal of my name
coupled with this and other circumstances has occasioned its dissolution The
Pickwick Club exists no longer
I shall never regret« said Mr Pickwick in a low voice »I shall never
regret having devoted the greater part of two years to mixing with different
varieties and shades of human character frivolous as my pursuit of novelty may
have appeared to many Nearly the whole of my previous life having been devoted
to business and the pursuit of wealth numerous scenes of which I had no
previous conception have dawned upon me I hope to the enlargement of my mind
and the improvement of my understanding If I have done but little good I trust
I have done less harm and that none of my adventures will be other than a
source of amusing and pleasant recollection to me in the decline of life God
bless you all«
With these words Mr Pickwick filled and drained a bumper with a trembling
hand and his eyes moistened as his friends rose with one accord and pledged
him from their hearts
There were very few preparatory arrangements to be made for the marriage of
Mr Snodgrass As he had neither father nor mother and had been in his minority
a ward of Mr Pickwicks that gentleman was perfectly well acquainted with his
possessions and prospects His account of both was quite satisfactory to Wardle
as almost any other account would have been for the good old gentleman was
overflowing with hilarity and kindness and a handsome portion having been
bestowed upon Emily the marriage was fixed to take place on the fourth day from
that time the suddenness of which preparations reduced three dressmakers and a
tailor to the extreme verge of insanity
Getting posthorses to the carriage old Wardle started off next day to
bring his mother up to town Communicating his intelligence to the old lady with
characteristic impetuosity she instantly fainted away but being promptly
revived ordered the brocaded silk gown to be packed up forthwith and proceeded
to relate some circumstances of a similar nature attending the marriage of the
eldest daughter of Lady Tollimglower deceased which occupied three hours in
the recital and were not half finished at last
Mrs Trundle had to be informed of all the mighty preparations that were
making in London and being in a delicate state of health was informed thereof
through Mr Trundle lest the news should be too much for her but it was not
too much for her inasmuch as she at once wrote off to Muggleton to order a new
cap and a black satin gown and moreover avowed her determination of being
present at the ceremony Hereupon Mr Trundle called in the doctor and the
doctor said Mrs Trundle ought to know best how she felt herself to which Mrs
Trundle replied that she felt herself quite equal to it and that she had made
up her mind to go upon which the doctor who was a wise and discreet doctor
and knew what was good for himself as well as for other people said that
perhaps if Mrs Trundle stopped at home she might hurt herself more by fretting
than by going so perhaps she had better go And she did go the doctor with
great attention sending in half a dozen of medicine to be drunk upon the road
In addition to these points of distraction Wardle was intrusted with two
small letters to two small young ladies who were to act as bridesmaids upon the
receipt of which the two young ladies were driven to despair by having no
things ready for so important an occasion and no time to make them in a
circumstance which appeared to afford the two worthy papas of the two small
young ladies rather a feeling of satisfaction than otherwise However old
frocks were trimmed and new bonnets made and the young ladies looked as well
as could possibly have been expected of them And as they cried at the
subsequent ceremony in the proper places and trembled at the right times they
acquitted themselves to the admiration of all beholders
How the two poor relations ever reached London whether they walked or got
behind coaches or procured lifts in wagons or carried each other by turns is
uncertain but there they were before Wardle and the very first people that
knocked at the door of Mr Pickwicks house on the bridal morning were the two
poor relations all smiles and shirt collar
They were welcomed heartily though for riches or poverty had no influence
on Mr Pickwick the new servants were all alacrity and readiness Sam was in a
most unrivalled state of high spirits and excitement Mary was glowing with
beauty and smart ribands
The bridegroom who had been staying at the house for two or three days
previous sallied forth gallantly to Dulwich Church to meet the bride attended
by Mr Pickwick Ben Allen Bob Sawyer and Mr Tupman with Sam Weller outside
having at his buttonhole a white favour the gift of his lady love and clad in
a new and gorgeous suit of livery invented for the occasion They were met by
the Wardles and the Winkles and the bride and bridesmaids and the Trundles
and the ceremony having been performed the coaches rattled back to Mr
Pickwicks to breakfast where little Mr Perker already awaited them
Here all the light clouds of the more solemn part of the proceedings passed
away every face shone forth joyously nothing was to be heard but
congratulations and commendations Everything was so beautiful The lawn in
front the garden behind the miniature conservatory the diningroom the
drawingroom the bedrooms the smokingroom and above all the study with its
pictures and easy chairs and odd cabinets and queer tables and books out of
number, with a large cheerful window opening upon a pleasant lawn and commanding
a pretty landscape dotted here and there with little houses almost hidden by
the trees and then the curtains and the carpets and the chairs and the
sofas Everything was so beautiful so compact so neat and in such exquisite
taste said everybody that there really was no deciding what to admire most
And in the midst of all this stood Mr Pickwick his countenance lighted up
with smiles which the heart of no man woman or child could resist himself
the happiest of the group shaking hands over and over again with the same
people and when his own hands were not so employed rubbing them with pleasure
turning round in a different direction at every fresh expression of
gratification or curiosity and inspiring everybody with his looks of gladness
and delight
Breakfast is announced Mr Pickwick leads the old lady who has been very
eloquent on the subject of Lady Tollimglower to the top of a long table
Wardle takes the bottom the friends arrange themselves on either side Sam
takes his station behind his masters chair the laughter and talking cease Mr
Pickwick having said grace pauses for an instant and looks round him As he
does so the tears roll down his cheeks in the fulness of his joy
Let us leave our old friend in one of those moments of unmixed happiness of
which if we seek them there are ever some to cheer our transitory existence
here There are dark shadows on the earth but its lights are stronger in the
contrast Some men like bats or owls have better eyes for the darkness than
for the light We who have no such optical powers are better pleased to take
our last parting look at the visionary companions of many solitary hours when
the brief sunshine of the world is blazing full upon them
It is the fate of most men who mingle with the world and attain even the prime
of life to make many real friends and lose them in the course of nature. It is
the fate of all authors or chroniclers to create imaginary friends and lose
them in the course of art Nor is this the full extent of their misfortunes for
they are required to furnish an account of them besides
In compliance with this custom unquestionably a bad one we subjoin a few
biographical words in relation to the party at Mr Pickwicks assembled
Mr and Mrs Winkle being fully received into favour by the old gentleman
were shortly afterwards installed in a newlybuilt house not half a mile from
Mr Pickwicks Mr Winkle being engaged in the City as agent or town
correspondent of his father exchanged his old costume for the ordinary dress of
Englishmen and presented all the external appearance of a civilised Christian
ever afterwards
Mr and Mrs Snodgrass settled at Dingley Dell where they purchased and
cultivated a small farm more for occupation than profit Mr Snodgrass being
occasionally abstracted and melancholy is to this day reputed a great poet
among his friends and acquaintance although we do not find that he has ever
written anything to encourage the belief There are many celebrated characters
literary philosophical and otherwise who hold a high reputation on a similar
tenure
Mr Tupman when his friends married and Mr Pickwick settled took
lodgings at Richmond where he has ever since resided He walks constantly on
the Terrace during the summer months with a youthful and jaunty air which has
rendered him the admiration of the numerous elderly ladies of single condition
who reside in the vicinity He has never proposed again
Mr Bob Sawyer having previously passed through the Gazette passed over to
Bengal accompanied by Mr Benjamin Allen both gentlemen having received
surgical appointments from the East India Company They each had the yellow
fever fourteen times and then resolved to try a little abstinence since which
period they have been doing well
Mrs Bardell let lodgings to many conversable single gentlemen with great
profit but never brought any more actions for breach of promise of marriage
Her attorneys Messrs Dodson and Fogg continue in business from which they
realise a large income and in which they are universally considered among the
sharpest of the sharp
Sam Weller kept his word and remained unmarried for two years The old
housekeeper dying at the end of that time Mr Pickwick promoted Mary to the
situation on condition of her marrying Mr Weller at once which she did
without a murmur From the circumstance of two sturdy little boys having been
repeatedly seen at the gate of the back garden there is reason to suppose that
Sam has some family
The elder Mr Weller drove a coach for twelve months but being afflicted
with the gout was compelled to retire The contents of the pocketbook had been
so well invested for him however by Mr Pickwick that he had a handsome
independence to retire on upon which he still lives at an excellent
publichouse near Shooters Hill where he is quite reverenced as an oracle
boasting very much of his intimacy with Mr Pickwick and retaining a most
unconquerable aversion to widows
Mr Pickwick himself continued to reside in his new house employing his
leisure hours in arranging the memoranda which he afterwards presented to the
secretary of the once famous club or in hearing Sam Weller read aloud with
such remarks as suggested themselves to his mind which never failed to afford
Mr Pickwick great amusement He was much troubled at first by the numerous
applications made to him by Mr Snodgrass Mr Winkle and Mr Trundle to act
as godfather to their offspring but he has become used to it now and
officiates as a matter of course He never had occasion to regret his bounty to
Mr Jingle for both that person and Job Trotter became in time worthy members
of society although they have always steadily objected to return to the scenes
of their old haunts and temptations Mr Pickwick is somewhat infirm now but he
retains all his former juvenility of spirit and may still be frequently seen
contemplating the pictures in the Dulwich Gallery or enjoying a walk about the
pleasant neighbourhood on a fine day He is known by all the poor people about
who never fail to take their hats off as he passes with great respect The
children idolise him and so indeed does the whole neighbourhood Every year he
repairs to a large family merrymaking at Mr Wardles on this as on all other
occasions he is invariably attended by the faithful Sam between whom and his
master there exists a steady and reciprocal attachment which nothing but death
will terminate
Notes
1 Perpetual VicePresident Member Pickwick Club
2 General Chairman Member Pickwick Club
3 A remarkable instance of the prophetic force of Mr Jingles imagination this
dialogue occurring in the year 1827 and the Revolution in 1830
4 Better But this is past in a better age and the prison exists no longer