MEMOIRS OF
EMMA COURTNEY
MARY HAYS
Memoirs of
Emma Courtney
VOLUME I
TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY
Rash young man—why do you tear from my heart the affecting narrative which I had hoped no cruel necessity would ever have forced me to review—Why do you oblige me to recall the bitterness of my past life and to renew images the remembrance of which even at this distant period harrows up my soul with inconceivable misery—But your happiness is at stake and every selfish consideration vanishes—Dear and sacred deposit of an adored and lost friend—for whose sake I have consented to hold down with struggling suffocating reluctance the loathed and bitter portion of existence—shall I expose your ardent mind to the incessant conflict between truth and error—shall I practise the disingenuousness by which my peace has been blasted—shall I suffer you to run the wild career of passion—shall I keep back the recital written upon my own mind in characters of blood which may preserve the child of my affections from destruction
Ah why have you deceived me—Has a six months absence obliterated from your remembrance the precept I so earnestly and incessantly laboured to inculcate—the value and importance of unequivocal sincerity A precept which I now take shame to myself for not having more implicitly observed Had I supposed your affection for Joanna more than a boyish partiality had I not believed that a few months absence would entirely erase it from your remembrance had I not been assured that her heart was devoted to another object a circumstance of which she had herself frankly informed you I should not now have distrusted your fortitude when obliged to wound your feelings with the intelligence—that the woman whom you have so wildly persecuted was yesterday united to another
TO THE SAME
I resume my pen Your letter which Joanna a few days since put into my hands has cost me—Ah my Augustus my friend my son—what has it not cost me and what impressions has it not renewed I perceive the vigour of your mind with terror and exultation But you are mistaken Were it not for the insuperable barrier that separates you for ever from your hopes perseverance itself however active however incessant may fail in attaining its object. Your ardent reasoning my interesting and philosophic young friend though not unconsequential is a finely proportioned structure resting on an airy foundation The science of morals is not incapable of demonstration but we want a more extensive knowledge of particular facts on which in any given circumstance firmly to establish our data—Yet be not discouraged exercise your understanding think freely investigate every opinion disdain the rust of antiquity raise systems invent hypotheses and by the absurdities they involve seize on the clue of truth Rouse the nobler energies of your mind be not the slave of your passions neither dream of eradicating them Sensation generates interest interest passion passion forces attention attention supplies the powers and affords the means of attaining its end in proportion to the degree of interest will be that of attention and power Thus are talents produced Every man is born with sensation with the aptitude of receiving impressions the force of those impressions depends on a thousand circumstances over which he has little power these circumstances form the mind, and determine the future character We are all the creatures of education but in that education what we call chance or accident has so great a share that the wisest preceptor after all his cares has reason to tremble one strong affection one ardent incitement will turn in an instant the whole current of our thoughts, and introduce a new train of ideas and associations
You may perceive that I admit the general truths of your reasoning but I would warn you to be careful in their particular application a long train of patient and laborious experiments must precede our deductions and conclusions The science of mind is not less demonstrative and far more important than the science of Newton but we must proceed on similar principles The term metaphysics has been perhaps justly defined—the first principles of arts and sciences2 Every discovery of genius resulting from a fortunate combination of circumstances may be resolved into simple facts but in this investigation we must be patient attentive indefatigable we must be content to arrive at truth through many painful mistakes and consequent sufferings—Such appears to be the constitution of man
To shorten and meliorate your way I have determined to sacrifice every inferior consideration I have studied your character I perceive with joy that its errors are the ardent excesses of a generous mind I loved your father with a fatal and unutterable tenderness time has softened the remembrance of his faults—Our noblest qualities without incessant watchfulness are liable insensibly to shade into vices—but his virtues and misfortunes in which my own were so intimately blended are indelibly engraven on my heart
A mystery has hitherto hung over your birth The victim of my own ardent passions and the errors of one whose memory will ever be dear to me I prepare to withdraw the veil—a veil spread by an importunate but I fear a mistaken tenderness Learn then from the incidents of my life entangled with those of his to whom you owe your existence a more striking and affecting lesson than abstract philosophy can ever afford
2 Helvetius
CHAPTER I
The events of my life have been few and have in them nothing very uncommon but the effects which they have produced on my mind yet that mind they have helped to form and this in the eye of philosophy or affection may render them not wholly uninteresting While I trace them they convince me of the irresistible power of circumstances modifying and controuling our characters and introducing mechanically those associations and habits which make us what we are for without outward impressions we should be nothing
I know not how far to go back nor where to begin for in many cases it may be in all a foundation is laid for the operations of our minds, years—nay ages—previous to our birth I wish to be brief yet to omit no one connecting link in the chain of causes, however minute that I conceive had any important consequences in the formation of my mind or that may probably be useful to yours
My father was a man of some talents and of a superior rank in life but dissipated extravagant and profligate My mother the daughter of a rich trader and the sole heiress of his fortunes allured by the specious address and fashionable manners of my father sacrificed to empty shew the prospect of rational and dignified happiness My father courted her hand to make himself master of her ample possessions dazzled by vanity and misled by selflove she married him—found when too late her error bitterly repented and died in child bed the twelfth month of her marriage after having given birth to a daughter and commended it with her dying breath to the care of a sister the daughter of her mother by a former marriage an amiable sensible and worthy woman who had a few days before lost a lovely and promising infant at the breast and received the little Emma as a gift from heaven to supply its place
My father plunged in expence and debauchery was little moved by these domestic distresses He held the infant a moment in his arms kissed it and willingly consigned it to the guardianship of its maternal aunt
It will here be necessary to give a sketch of the character situation and family of this excellent woman each of which had an important share in forming the mind of her charge to those dispositions and feelings which irresistibly led to the subsequent events
CHAPTER II
Mr and Mrs Melmoth my uncle and aunt married young purely from motives of affection Mr Melmoth had an active ardent mind great benevolence of heart a sweet and chearful temper and a liberal manner of thinking though with few advantages of education he possessed also a sanguine disposition a warm heart a generous spirit and an integrity which was never called in question Mrs Melmoths frame was delicate and fragile she had great sensibility quickness of perception, some anxiety of temper and a refined and romantic manner of thinking acquired from the perusal of the old romances a large quantity of which belonging to a relation had in the early periods of her youth been accidentally deposited in a spare room in her fathers house These qualities were mingled with a devotional spirit a little bordering on fanatacism My uncle did not exactly resemble an Orlando or an Oroondates but he was fond of reading and having the command of a ship in the West India trade had during his voyages in fine weather time to indulge in this propensity by which means he was a tolerable proficient in the belles lettres and could on occasion quote Shakespeare scribble poetry and even philosophize with Pope and Bolingbroke
Mr Melmoth was oneandtwenty his bride nineteen when they were united They possessed little property but the one was enterprizing and industrious the other careful and œconomical and both with hearts glowing with affection for each other saw cheering hope and fairy prospects dancing before their eyes Every thing succeeded beyond their most sanguine expectations My uncles cheerful and social temper with the fairness and liberality of his dealings conciliated the favour of the merchants His understanding was superior and his manners more courteous than the generality of persons in his line of life his company was eagerly courted and no vessel stood a chance of being freighted till his had its full cargo
His voyages were not long and frequent absences and meetings kept alive between him and my aunt the hopes the fears the anxieties and the transports of love Their family soon increased but this was a new source of joy to Mr Melmoths affectionate heart A walk or a ride in the country with his wife and little ones he accounted his highest relaxation—on these occasions he gave himself up to a sweet and lively pleasure would clasp them alternately to his breast and with eyes overflowing with tears of delight repeat Thomsons charming description of the joys of virtuous love—
Where nothing strikes the eye but sights of bliss
All various nature pressing on the heart
This was the first picture that struck my young imagination for I was in all respects considered as the adopted child of the family
This prosperity received little other interruption than from my uncles frequent absences and the pains and cares of my aunt in bringing into the world and nursing a family of children Mr Melmoths successful voyages at rather earlier than forty years of age enabled him to leave the sea and to carry on an extensive mercantile employment in the metropolis—At this period his health began to be injured by the progress of a threatening internal disorder but it had little effect either on his spirits or activity His business every day became wider and his attention to it was unremitted methodical and indefatigable His hours of relaxation were devoted to his family and social enjoyment at these times he never suffered the cares of the countinghouse to intrude—he was the life of every company and the soul of every pleasure
He at length assumed a more expensive style of living took a house in the country for the charms of which he had ever a peculiar taste as a summer residence set up an equipage increased the number of his servants and kept an open and hospitable though not a luxurious table
The hours fled on downy pinions his wife rested on him his children caught sunshine from his smiles his domestics adored him and his acquaintance vied with each other in paying him respect His life he frequently repeated had been a series of unbroken success His religion for he laid no stress on forms was a sentiment of grateful and fervent love—God is love he would say and the affectionate benevolent heart is his temple
CHAPTER III
It will now be necessary for the development of my own particular character again to revert to earlier periods—A few days before my birth my aunt had lost as already related a lovely female infant about four months old and she received me from the hands of my dying mother as a substitute—From these tender and affecting circumstances I was nursed and attended with peculiar care My uncles ship it being war time was then waiting for a convoy at Portsmouth where he was joined by his wife she carried me with her and tenderly watchful over my safety took me on all their little excursions whether by sea or land I hung at her breast or rested in her arms and her husband or attendant alternately relieved her—Plump smiling placid happy I never disturbed her rest and the little Emma was the darling of her kind guardians and the plaything of the company
At the age at which it was thought necessary to wean me I was sent from my tender nurse for that purpose and consigned to the care of a stranger with whom I quickly pined myself into a jaundice and bilious fever My aunt dare not visit me during this short separation she was unable to bear my piercing cries of anguish at her departure If a momentary sensation at that infantine period deserve the appellation I might call this my first affectionate sorrow I have frequently thought that the tenderness of this worthy woman generated in my infant disposition that susceptibility that lively propensity to attachment to which I have through life been a martyr On my return to my friends I quickly regained my health and spirits was active blythsome ran bounded sported romped always light gay alert and full of glee At church whither on Sunday I was accustomed to accompany the family I offended all the pious ladies in our vicinity by my gamesome tricks and avoided the reprimands of my indulgent guardians by the drollery and good humour which accompanied them
When myself and my little cousins had wearied ourselves with play their mother to keep us quiet in an evening while her husband wrote letters in an adjoining apartment was accustomed to relate for our entertainment stories from the Arabian Nights Turkish Tales and other works of like marvellous import She recited them circumstantially and these I listened to with ever new delight the more they excited vivid emotions the more wonderful they were the greater was my transport they became my favourite amusement and produced in my young mind a strong desire of learning to read the books which contained such enchanting stores of entertainment
Thus stimulated I learned to read quickly and with facility My uncle took pleasure in assisting me and with parental partiality thought he discovered in the ardour and promptitude with which I received his instructions the dawn of future talents At six years old I read aloud before company with great applause my uncles favourite authors Popes Homer and Thomsons Seasons little comprehending either Emulation was roused and vanity fostered I learned to recite verses to modulate my tones of voice and began to think myself a wonderful scholar
Thus in peace and gaiety glided the days of my childhood Caressed by my aunt flattered by her husband I grew vain and selfwilled my desires were impetuous and brooked no delay my affections were warm and my temper irascible but it was the glow of a moment instantly subsiding on conviction and when conscious of having committed injustice I was ever eager to repair it by a profusion of caresses and acknowledgements Opposition would always make me vehement and coercion irritated me to violence but a kind look a gentle word a cool expostulation—softened melted arrested me in the full career of passion Never but once do I recollect having received a blow but the boiling rage the cruel tempest the deadly vengeance it excited in my mind I now remember with shuddering
Every day I became more attached to my books yet not less fond of active play stories were still my passion and I sighed for a romance that would never end In my sports with my companions I acted over what I had read I was alternately the valiant knight—the gentle damsel—the adventurous mariner—the daring robber—the courteous lover—and the airy coquet Ever inventive my young friends took their tone from me I hated the needle—my aunt was indulgent and not an hour passed unamused—my resources were various fantastic and endless Thus for the first twelve years of my life fleeted my days in joy and innocence I ran like the hind frisked like the kid sang like the lark was full of vivacity health and animation and excepting some momentary bursts of passion and impatience awoke every day to new enjoyment and retired to rest fatigued with pleasure
CHAPTER IV
At this period by the command of my father I was sent to boarding school—Ah never shall I forget the contrast I experienced I was an alien and a stranger—no one loved caressed nor cared for me—my actions were all constrained—I was obliged to sit poring over needle work and forbidden to prate—my body was tortured into forms my mind coerced and talks imposed upon me grammar and French mere words that conveyed to me no ideas I loved my guardians with passion—my tastes were all passions—they tore themselves from my embraces with difficulty I sat down after their departure and wept—bitter tears—sobbed convulsively—my griefs were unheeded and my sensibility ridiculed—I neither gave nor received pleasure After the rude stare of curiosity ever wounding to my feelings was gratified I was left to sob alone
At length one young lady with a fair face and a gentle demeanour came and seated herself beside me She spoke in a soft voice words of sympathy—my desolate heart fluttered at the sound I looked at her—her features were mild and sweet I dried my tears and determined that she should be my friend—My spirits became calmer and for a short time I indulged in this relief but on enquiry I found my fair companion had already a selected favourite and that their amity was the admiration of the school—Proud jealous romantic—I could not submit to be the second in her esteem—I shunned her and returned her caresses with coldness
The only mitigation I now felt to the anguish that had seized my spirits was in the hours of business I was soon distinguished for attention and capacity but my governness being withheld by an infirm constitution from the duties of her office I was consigned with my companions to ignorant splenetic teachers who encouraged not my emulation and who sported with the acuteness of my sensations In the intervals from school hours I fought and procured books—These were often wantonly taken from me as a punishment for the most trivial offence and when my indignant spirit broke out into murmurs and remonstrance I was constrained to learn by way of penance chapters in the Proverbs of Solomon or verses from the French testament To revenge myself I satirized my tyrants in doggrel rhymes my writing master also came in for a share of this little malice and my productions wretched enough were handed round the school with infinite applause Sunk in sullen melancholy in the hours of play I crept into corners and disdained to be amused—home appeared to me to be the Eden from which I was driven and there my heart and thoughts incessantly recurred
My uncle from time to time addressed to me—with little presents—kind pleasant affectionate notes—and these I treasured up as sacred relics A visit of my guardians was a yet more tumultuous pleasure but it always left me in increased anguish Some robberies had been committed on the road to town—After parting with my friends I have laid awake the whole night conjuring up in my imagination all the tragic accidents I had ever heard or read of and persuading myself some of them must have happened to these darling objects of my affection
Thus passed the first twelvemonth of my exile from all I loved during which time it was reported by my schoolfellows that I had never been seen to smile After the vacations I was carried back to my prison with agonizing reluctance to which in the second year I became however from habit better reconciled I learned music was praised and encouraged by my master and grew fond of it I contracted friendships and regained my vivacity from a forlorn unsocial being I became once more lively active enterprising—the soul of all amusement and the leader of every innocently mischievous frolic At the close of another year I left school I kept up a correspondence for some time with a few of my young friends and my effusions were improved and polished by my paternal uncle
CHAPTER V
This period which I had anticipated with rapture was soon clouded by the gradual decay and premature death of my revered and excellent guardian He sustained a painful and tedious sickness with unshaken fortitude—with more with chearfulness I knelt by his bedside on the day of his decease and while I bathed his hand with my tears caught hope from the sweet the placid serenity of his countenance and could not believe the terrors of dissolution near
The last sentiment of my heart said he is gratitude to the Being who has given me so large a portion of good and I resign my family into his hands with confidence
He awoke from a short slumber a few minutes before his death—Emma said he in a faint voice as I grasped his cold hand between both mine turning upon me a mild yet dying eye I have had a pleasant sleep—Be a good girl and comfort your aunt—
He expired without a groan or a struggle—His death was the serene evening of a beautiful day I gazed on his lifeless remains the day before their interment and the features still wore the same placid smiling benignity I was then about fourteen years of age—this first emotion of real sorrow rent my heart asunder
The sensations of Mrs Melmoth were those of agonizing suffocating anguish—the fair prospect of domestic felicity was veiled for ever This was the second strong impression which struck my opening mind Many losses occurred in consequence of foreign connections in the settlement of Mr Melmoths affairs—The family found their fortunes scanty and their expectations limited—their numerous fairprofessing acquaintance gradually deserted them and they sunk into œconomical retirement but they continued to be respectable because they knew how to contract their wants and to preserve their independence
My aunt oppressed with sorrow could be roused only by settling the necessary plans for the future provision of her family Occupied with these concerns or absorbed in grief we were left for some time to run wild Months revolved ere the tender sorrows of Mrs Melmoth admitted of any mitigation they at length yielded only to tender melancholy My wonted amusements were no more a deep gloom was spread over our once cheerful residence my avidity for books daily increased I subscribed to a circulating library and frequently read or rather devoured—little careful in the selection—from ten to fourteen novels in a week
CHAPTER VI
My father satisfied himself after the death of my beloved uncle with making a short and formal visit of condolence to the family and proposing either my return to school or to pay an annual stipend which Mr and Mrs Melmoth had hitherto invariably refused for defraying the expences of my continuance and board with the amiable family by which I had been so kindly nurtured I shrunk from the cold and careless air of a man whom I had never been able to teach my heart either to love or honour and throwing my arms round the neck of my maternal aunt murmured a supplication mingled with convulsive sobs that she would not desert me She returned my caresses affectionately and entreated my father to permit me to remain with her adding that it was her determination to endeavour to rouse and strengthen her mind for the performance of those pressing duties—the education of her beloved children among whom she had ever accounted her Emma—which now devolved wholly upon her
My father made no objection to this request but observed that notwithstanding he had a very favourable opinion of her heart and understanding and considered himself indebted to her and to her deceased husband for their goodness to Emma he was nevertheless apprehensive that the girl had been weakened and spoiled by their indulgence—that his own health was at present considerably injured—that it was probable he might not survive many years—in which case he frankly confessed he had enjoyed life too freely to be able to make much provision for his daughter It would therefore he conceived be more judicious to prepare and strengthen my mind to encounter with fortitude some hardships and rude shocks to which I might be exposed than to foster a sensibility which he already perceived with regret was but too acute For which purpose he desired I might spend one day in every week at his house in Berkleysquare when he should put such books into my hands he had been informed I had a tolerable capacity as he judged would be useful to me and in the intervals of his various occupations and amusements assist me himself with occasional remarks and reflections Any little accomplishments which Mrs Melmoth might judge necessary for and suitable to a young woman with a small fortune and which required the assistance of a master he would be obliged to her if she would procure for me and call upon him to defray the additional expence
He then looking on his watch and declaring he had already missed an appointment took his leave after naming Monday as the day on which he should constantly expect my attendance in Berkleysquare
Till he left the room I had not courage to raise my eyes from the ground—my feelings were harrowed up—the tone of his voice was discordant to my ears The only idea that alleviated the horror of my weekly punishment for so I considered the visits to Berkleysquare was the hope of reading new books and of being suffered to range uncountroled through an extensive and valuable library for such I had been assured was Mr Courtneys I still retained my passion for adventurous tales which even while at school I was enabled to gratify by means of one of the dayboarders who procured for me romances from a neighbouring library which at every interval of leisure I perused with inconceivable avidity
CHAPTER VII
The following Monday I prepared to attend Mr Courtney On arriving at his house and announcing my name a servant conducted me into his masters dressingroom I appeared before him with trembling steps downcast eyes and an averted face
Look up child said my father in an imperious tone If you are conscious of no crime why all this ridiculous confusion
I struggled with my feelings the tone and manner in which I was addressed gave me an indignant sensation—a deeper suffusion than that of modesty the glow of wounded pride burnt in my cheeks—I turned quick gazed in the face of Mr Courtney with a steady eye and spoke a few words in a firm voice importing—that I attended by his desire and waited his direction
He regarded me with somewhat less hauteur and while he finished dressing interrogated me respecting the books I had read and the impression they had left on my mind I replied with simplicity and without evasion He soon discovered that my imagination had been left to wander unrestrained in the fairy fields of fiction but that of historical facts and the science of the world I was entirely ignorant
It is as I apprehended said he—your fancy requires a rein rather than a spur Your studies for the future must be of a soberer nature or I shall have you mistake my valet for a prince in disguise my house for a haunted castle and my rational care for your future welfare for barbarous tyranny
I felt a poignant and suffocating sensation too complicated to bear analyzing and followed Mr Courtney in silence to the library My heart bounded when on entering a spacious room I perceived on either side a large and elegant assortment of books regularly arranged in glass cases and I longed to be left alone to expatiate freely in these treasures of entertainment But I soon discovered to my inexpressible mortification that the cases were locked and that in this intellectual feast I was not to be my own purveyor My father after putting into my hands the lives of Plutarch left me to my meditations informing me that he should probably dine at home with a few friends at five oclock when he should expect my attendance at the table
I opened my book languidly after having examined through the glass doors the titles of those which were withheld from me I felt a kind of disgust to what I considered as a task imposed and read a few pages carelessly gazing at intervals through the windows into the square—But my attention as I proceeded was soon forcibly arrested my curiosity excited and my enthusiasm awakened The hours passed rapidly—I perceived not their flight—and at five oclock when summoned to dinner I went down into the diningroom my mind pervaded with republican ardour my sentiments elevated by a hightoned philosophy and my bosom glowing with the virtues of patriotism
I found with Mr Courtney company of both sexes to whom he presented me on my entrance Their easy compliments disconcerted me and I shrunk abashed from the bold and curious eyes of the gentlemen During the repast I ate little but listened in silence to every thing that passed
The theatres were the first topic of conversation Venice Preserved had been acted the preceding evening and from discussing the play the conversation took a political turn A gentleman that happened to be seated next me who spoke fluently looking around him every moment for approbation with apparent selfapplause gave the discourse a tone of gallantry declaring—Pierre to be a noble fellow and that the loss of a mistress was a sufficient excuse for treason and conspiracy even though the country had been deluged in blood and involved in conflagration
And the mistresses of all his fellow citizens destroyed of course—said a gentleman coolly on the opposite side of the table
Oh that was not a consideration every thing must give place when put in competition with certain feelings What young lady suddenly turning to me do you think a lover would not risque who was in fear of losing you
Good God what a question to an admirer of the grecian heroes I started and absolutely shuddered I would have replied but my words died away upon my lips in inarticulate murmurs My father observed and enjoyed my distress
The worthies of whom you have been reading Emma lived in ancient times Aristides the just would have made but a poor figure among our modern men of fashion
This lady reads then—said our accomplished coxcomb—Heavens Mr Courtney you will spoil all her feminine graces knowledge and learning are unsufferably masculine in a woman—born only for the soft solace of man The mind of a young lady should be clear and unsullied like a sheet of white paper or her own fairer face lines of thinking destroy the dimples of beauty aping the reason of man they lose the exquisite fascinating charm in which consists their true empire—Then strongest when most weak—
Loveliest in their fears—
And by this silent adulation soft
To their protection more engaging man
Pshaw replied Mr Courtney a little peevishly—you will persuade Emma that the age of chivalry is not yet over and that giants and ravishers are as common now as in the time of Charlemagne a young woman of sense and spirit needs no other protection do not flatter the girl into affectation and imbecility If blank paper be your passion you can be at no loss the town will supply quires and reams
There I differ from you said the gentleman on the opposite side of the table to preserve the mind a blank we must be both deaf and blind for while any inlet to perception remains your paper will infallibly contract characters of some kind or be blotted and scrawled
For Gods sake do not let us begin to philosophise retorted his antagonist who was not to be easily silenced
I agree with you—rejoined the other—thinking is undoubtedly very laborious and principle equally troublesome and impertinent
I looked at him as he finished speaking and caught his eye for a moment its expression methought was doubtful The man of fashion continued to expatiate in rhetorical periods—He informed us that he had fine feelings but they never extended beyond selfish gratification For his part he had as much humanity as any man for which reason he carefully avoided the scene or the tale of distress He likewise had his opinions but their pliability rendered them convenient to himself and accommodating to his friends He had courage to sustain fatigue and hardship when not his country but vanity demanded the exertion It was glorious to boast of having travelled two hundred miles in eight and forty hours and sat up three nights to be present on two succeeding evenings at a ball in distant counties
This man I said to myself while I regarded him with a look of ineffable scorn—takes a great deal of pains to render himself ridiculous he surely must have a vile heart or a contemptible opinion of mankind if he be really the character he describes he is a compound of atrocity and folly and a pest to the world if he slanders himself what must be that state of society the applause of which he persuades himself is to be thus acquired I sighed deeply—in either case the reflection was melancholy—my eyes enquired—Am I to hate or to despise you I know not whether he understood their language but he troubled me no more with his attentions
I reflected a little too seriously—I have since seen many a prating superficial coxcomb who talks to display his oratory—mere words—repeated by rote to which few ideas are affixed and which are uttered and received with equal apathy
CHAPTER VIII
During three years I continued my weekly visits to Berkley square I was not always allowed to join the parties who assembled there neither indeed would it have been proper for they were a motley groupe when permitted so to do I collected materials for reflection I had been educated by my aunt in strict principles of religion many of Mr Courtneys friends were men of wit and talents who occasionally discussed important subjects with freedom and ability I never ventured to mingle in the conversations but I overcame my timidity sufficiently to behave with propriety and composure I listened attentively to all that was said and my curiosity was awakened to philosophic enquiries
Mr Courtney now entrusted me with the keys of the bookcases through which I ranged with ever new delight I went through by my fathers direction a course of historical reading but I could never acquire a taste for this species of composition Accounts of the early periods of states and empires of the Grecian and Roman republics I pursued with pleasure and enthusiasm but when they became more complicated grew corrupt luxurious licentious perfidious mercenary I turned from them fatigued and disgusted and sought to recreate my spirits in the fairer regions of poetry and fiction
My early associations rendered theology an interesting subject to me I read ecclesiastical history a detail of errors and crimes and entered deeply into polemic divinity my mind began to be emancipated doubts had been suggested to it I reasoned freely endeavoured to arrange and methodize my opinions and to trace them fearlessly through all their consequences while from exercising my thoughts with freedom I seemed to acquire new strength and dignity of character I met with some of the writings of Descartes and was seized with a passion for metaphysical enquiries I began to think about the nature of the soul—whether it was a composition of the elements the result of organized matter or a subtle and etherial fire
In the course of my researches the Heloise of Rousseau fell into my hands—Ah with what transport with what enthusiasm did I peruse this dangerous enchanting work—How shall I paint the sensations that were excited in my mind—the pleasure I experienced approaches the limits of pain—it was tumult—all the ardour of my character was excited—Mr Courtney one day surprised me weeping over the sorrows of the tender St Preux He hastily snatched the book from my hand and carefully collecting the remaining volumes carried them in silence to his chamber but the impression made on my mind was never to be effaced—it was even productive of a long chain of consequences that will continue to operate till the day of my death
My time at this period passed rapidly and pleasantly My father never treated me with affection but the austerity of his manner gradually subsided He gave me occasionally useful hints and instructions Without feeling for him any tenderness he inspired me with a degree of respect The library was a source of lively and inexhaustible pleasure to my mind and when admitted to the table of Mr Courtney some new character or sentiment frequently sharpened my attention and afforded me subjects for future enquiry and meditation I delighted to expatiate when returning to the kind and hospitable mansion of my beloved aunt which I still considered as my home on the various topics which I had collected in my little emigrations I was listened to by my cousins with a pleasure that flattered my vanity and looked up to as a kind of superior being—a homage particularly gratifying to a young mind
CHAPTER IX
The excellent woman who had been my more than mother took infinite pains to cure the foibles which like pernicious weeds entangled themselves with and sometimes threatened to choak the embryo blossoms of my expanding mind Ah with what pleasure do I recall her beloved idea to my memory Fostered by her maternal love and guided by her mild reason how placid and how sweet were my early days—Why my first my tenderest friend did I lose you at that critical period of life when the harmless sports and occupations of childhood gave place to the pursuits the passions and the errors of youth—With the eloquence of affection with gentle yet impressive persuasion thou mightest have checked the wild career of energetic feeling which thou hast so often remarked with hope and terror
As I entered my eighteenth year I lost by a premature death this tender monitor Never shall I forget her last emphatic affectionate caution
Beware my dear Emma said this revered friend beware of strengthening by indulgence those ardent and impetuous sensations which while they promise vigour of mind fill me with apprehension for the virtue for the happiness of my child I wish not that the cankerworm Distrust should blast the fair fruit of your ripening virtues The world contains many benevolent many disinterested spirits but civilization is yet distempered and imperfect the inequalities of society by fostering artificial wants and provoking jealous competitions have generated selfish and hostile passions Nature has been vainly provident for her offspring while man with mistaken avidity grasping more than he has powers to enjoy preys on his fellow man—departing from simple virtues and simple pleasures in their stead by common consent has a wretched semblance been substituted Endeavour to contract your wants and aspire only to a rational independence by exercising your faculties still the importunate suggestions of your sensibility preserve your sincerity cherish the ingenuous warmth of unsophisticated feeling but let discernment precede confidence I tremble even for the excess of those virtues which I have laboured to cultivate in your lively and docile mind If I could form a wish for longer life it is only for my children and that I might be to my Emma instead of reason, till her own stronger mind matures I dread lest the illusions of imagination should render those powers which would give force to truth and virtue the auxiliaries of passion Learn to distinguish with accuracy the good and ill qualities of those with whom you may mingle while you abhor the latter separate the being from his errors and while you revere the former, the moment that your reverence becomes personal that moment suspect that your judgment is in danger of becoming the dupe of your affections
Would to God that I had impressed upon my mind—that I had recalled to my remembrance more frequently—a lesson so important to a disposition like mine—a continual victim to the enthusiasm of my feelings incapable of approving or disapproving with moderation—the most poignant sufferings even the study of mankind have been insufficient to dissolve the powerful enchantment to disentangle the closetwisted associations—But I check this train of overwhelming reflection that is every moment on the point of breaking the thread of my narration and obtruding itself to my pen
CHAPTER X
Mr Courtney did not long survive the guardian of my infancy—his constitution had for some years been gradually impaired and his death was hastened by a continuance of habitual dissipation which he had not the resolution to relinquish and to which his strength was no longer equal It was an event I had long anticipated and which I contemplated with a sensation of solemnity rather than of grief The ties of blood are weak if not the mere chimeras of prejudice unless sanctioned by reason or cemented by habits of familiar and affectionate intercourse Mr Courtney refusing the title of father from a conviction that his conduct gave him no claim to this endearing appellation had accustomed me to feel for him only the respect due to some talents and good qualities which threw a veil over his faults Courage and truth were the principles with which he endeavoured to inspire me—precepts which I gratefully acknowledge and which forbid me to adopt the language of affection when no responsive sympathies exist in the heart
My eyes were yet moist with the tears that I had shed for the loss of my maternal friend when I received a hasty summons to Berkleysquare A servant informed me that his master was at length given over by his physicians and wished to speak to Miss Courtney before his strength and spirits were too much exhausted
I neither felt nor affected surprize at this intelligence but threw myself without reply into the carriage which had been dispatched for my conveyance
On entering the house a gloomy silence seemed to reign throughout the late festive apartments but as I had seldom been a partaker of the festivity the contrast struck me less forcibly than it might otherwise have done My name was announced and I was conducted by the housekeeper to the chamber of her dying master who supported on pillows breathed with difficulty but appeared to be free from pain and tolerably composed I met the physician in the antechamber who on my requesting earnestly to know the situation of his patient informed me—That an internal mortification had taken place and that he could not survive many hours
Approaching the bed considerably shocked at the intelligence I had received Mr Courtney in a low and faint voice desired me to draw a chair near him I obeyed in silence
Emma said he I am about to quit a world in which I have experienced little sincere enjoyment yet I leave it reluctantly Had I been more temperate in my pleasures perhaps they might have been less destructive and more protracted I begin to suspect that I have made some great mistakes but it is now too late for retraction and I will not in my last moments contradict by my example the lesson of fortitude with which it has been a part of my plan to inspire you You have now unprotected the world to encounter for I will frankly confess that my affection for you has not been strong enough to induce me to forego my own more immediate gratification but I have never deceived you Your mother when she married reserved for her private expences a thousand pounds which on her deathbed she desired might be invested in the funds on your account This request I religiously complied with and there it has remained untouched and being purchased in your name you may claim it whenever you please I have appointed you no guardians for already in your nineteenth year and possessing an understanding superior to your sex and age I chose to leave you unfettered and at your own discretion I spared from my pleasures what money was requisite to complete your education for having no fortune to give you and my health being precarious I thought it just to afford you every advantage for the improvement of those talents which you evidently possess and which must now enable you to make your way in the world for the scanty pittance that the interest of your fortune will produce is I doubt insufficient for your support Had I lived it was my intention to have established you by marriage but that is a scheme to which at present I would not advise you to trust Marriage generally speaking in the existing state of things must of necessity be an affair of finance My interest and introduction might have availed you something but mere merit wit or beauty stand in need of more powerful auxiliaries My brother Mr Morton3 called on me this morning—he has agreed for the present to receive you into his family where you must endeavour to make yourself useful and agreeable till you can fix on a better and more independent plan Finding me in so low a state your uncle would have waited a few days in town to have seen the result and in case of the worst to have taken you down with him but pressing business urged his departure I would advise you immediately after my decease to set out for Morton Park Proper persons are appointed to settle my affairs—when every thing is turned into money there will I trust be sufficient to discharge my just debts but do not flatter yourself with the expectation of a surplus Your presence here when I am no more will be equally unnecessary and improper
This was said at intervals and with difficulty when seeming quite exhausted he waved his hand for me to leave the room and sunk into a sort of dose or rather stupor which continued till within some minutes of his decease
Mr Courtney had been what is called a man of pleasure—he had passed thro life without ever loving any one but himself—intent merely on gratifying the humour of the moment A superior education and an attentive observance not of rational but of social man in an extensive commerce with the world had sharpened his sagacity but he was inaccessible to those kindlings of the affections—those glowings of admiration—inspired by real or fancied excellence which never fail to expand and advance the minds of such as are capable of sketching with a daring hand the dangerous picture—or of those philosophic and comprehensive views which teach us to seek a reflected happiness in benevolent exertions for the welfare of others My mother I suspected had been the victim of her husbands unkindness and neglect wonder not then that my heart revolted when I would have given him the tender appellation of father If he coldly acknowledged any little merits which I possessed he regarded them rather with jealousy than approbation for he felt that they tacitly reproached him
I will make no comment on the closing scene of his life Among the various emotions which had rapidly succeeded each other in my mind during his last address surprize had no place I had not then his character to learn
3 Mr Courtneys brother had taken the name of Morton to qualify himself for the inheritance of an estate bequeathed to him by a distant relation
CHAPTER XI
The small pittance bequeathed to me was insufficient to preserve me from dependence—Dependence—I repeated to myself and I felt my heart die within me I revolved in my mind various plans for my future establishment—I might perhaps be allowed to officiate as an assistant in the school where I had been placed in my childhood with the mistress of which I still kept up an occasional correspondence but this was a species of servitude and my mind panted for freedom for social intercourse for scenes in motion where the active curiosity of my temper might find a scope wherein to range and speculate What could the interest of my little fortune afford It would neither enable me to live alone nor even to board in a family of any respectability My beloved aunt was no more her children were about to be dispersed and to form various connections
Cruel prejudices—I exclaimed—hapless woman Why was I not educated for commerce for a profession for labour Why have I been rendered feeble and delicate by bodily constraint and fastidious by artificial refinement Why are we bound by the habits of society as with an adamantine chain Why do we suffer ourselves to be confined within a magic circle without daring by a magnanimous effort to dissolve the barbarous spell
A child in the drama of the world I knew not which way to turn nor on what to determine. I wrote to Mr Morton to enquire on what terms I was to be received by his family If merely as a visitor for a few weeks till I had time to digest my plans I should meet with pleasure a gentleman whose character I had been taught to respect but I should not consider myself as subject to controul I ought perhaps to have been satisfied with Mr Mortons answer to my interrogatories
He wished to embrace the daughter of his brother his family would be happy to render Morton Park agreeable to her as long as she should think proper to favour them by making it her residence The young ladies expected both pleasure and improvement from the society of their accomplished kinswoman c
I believe I was unreasonable the style of this letter was civil nay kind and yet it appeared to me to want the vivifying principle—what shall I say—dictated merely by the head it reached not the heart
The trials of my mind I foreboded were about to commence I shrunk from the world I had been so willing to enter for the rude storms of which I had been little fitted by the fostering tenderness of my early guardians Those ardent feelings and lively expectations with all the glowing landscapes which my mind had sketched of the varied pleasures of society while in a measure secluded from its enjoyments gradually melted into one deep undistinguished shade That sanguine ardour of temper which had hitherto appeared the predominant feature of my character now gave place to despondency I wept I suffered my tears to flow unrestrained the solemnity of the late events had seized my spirits and the approaching change filled me with solicitude I wandered over the scenes of my past pleasures and recalled to my remembrance with a sad and tender luxury a thousand little incidents that derived all their importance from the impossibility of their renewal I gazed on every object for the last time—What is there in these words that awakens our fanaticisms I could have done homage to these inanimate and till now uninteresting objects merely because I should see them no more
How fantastic and how capricious are these sentiments Ought I or ought I not to blush while I acknowledge them My young friends also from whom I was about to separate myself—how various might be our destinies and how unconscious were we of the future Happy ignorance that by bringing the evils of life in succession gradually inures us to their endurance
Had I beheld the sum of ills which one
By one I have endured—my heart had broke
CHAPTER XII
The hour at length came when harrassed in body and in mind I set out for Morton Park I travelled alone and reached the end of my journey at close of day I entreated Mr Morton who hastened to hand me from the carriage and welcome my arrival that I might be permitted to retire to my apartment pleading fatigue and wishing to wave the ceremony of an introduction to the family till the next morning My request was obligingly granted and a servant ordered to attend me to my chamber
Many years had elapsed since I had seen this family and my judgment was then so immature that our meeting at the breakfast table had with each of us I believe the force of a first impression You know my fanaticism on these occasions I will attempt an imperfect sketch of the groupe assembled in the saloon to whom I was severally presented on my entrance by the lord of the domain Mr Morton himself to whom precedence is due seemed to be about fifty years of age was of the middle stature his features regular and his countenance placid he spoke but little but that little was always mild and often judicious He appeared not to be void of benevolent affections and had the character of a humane landlord but his virtues were in a great measure sunk in an habitual indolence of temper he would sometimes sacrifice his principles to his repose though never to his interest His lady—no I will not describe her her character will it may be unfold itself to you in future—Suffice it to say that her person was gross her voice loud and discordant and her features rugged she affected an air of openness and pleasantry It may be prejudiced perhaps she did not affect it Sarah Morton the eldest of the daughters was about my age she was under the middle height fair plump loquacious there was a childish levity in her accent and manners which impressed strangers with an unfavourable opinion of her understanding but it was an acquired manner for she was shrewd and sensible Ann the second daughter was a little lively brunette with sharp features and sparkling black eyes volatile giddy vain and thoughtless but good humoured and pretty The other children were much younger
Two gentlemen joined us at our repast visitors at Morton park Mr Francis the elder was in his fortieth year his figure slender and delicate his eye piercing and his manner impressive It occurred to me that I had somewhere seen him before and after a few minutes recollection I recognized in him a gentleman who had occasionally visited at my fathers and whom I have already mentioned as the antagonist of the man of fashion whose sentiments and volubility excited my youthful astonishment and indignation Mr Montague the younger the son of a medical gentleman residing in a neighbouring county seemed about one and twenty tall elegantly formed full of fire and vivacity with imperious manners an impetuous temper and stubborn prejudices
The introduction of a stranger generally throws some kind of restraint over a company a break is made in their usual topics and associations till the disposition and habits of the intruder have in some degree unfolded themselves Mrs Morton took upon herself to entertain she exhibited her talents on various subjects with apparent selfapprobation till a few keen remarks from Mr Francis arrested the torrent of her eloquence The young ladies scrutinized me with attention even the lively Ann while she minutely observed me ceased to court play from Mr Montague who attended to me with the air and addressed me in the language of gallantry I sometimes caught the penetrating eye of Mr Francis and his glance seemed to search the soul
After breakfast Mr Morton having retired to his dressingroom and the younger part of the company strolling into the pleasure grounds whither I declined accompanying them I took an opportunity being ever desirous of active and useful employment, of offering my assistance to Mrs Morton in the education of her younger children proposing to instruct them in the rudiments either of music drawing French or any other accomplishment for which my own education had capacitated me Mr Francis remained standing in a window his back towards us with a book in his hand on which he seemed intent
If replied Mrs Morton it is your wish Miss Courtney to procure the situation of governess in any gentlemans family and it is certainly a very laudable desire in a young woman of your small fortune Mr Morton will I have no doubt have it in his power to recommend you but in the education of my family I desire no interference it is an important task and I have my peculiar notions on the subject their expectations are not great and your elegant accomplishments might unfit them for their future probable stations
The manner in which this speech was uttered spoke yet more forcibly than the words—I felt my cheeks glow
I was not asking favours Madam I was only desirous of being useful
It is a pity then that your discernment had not corrected your vanity
The housekeeper entering to consult her mistress on some domestic occasion Mrs Morton quitted the room Mr Francis closed his book turned round and gazed earnestly in my face before sufficiently mortified his observation which I felt at this moment oppressive did not relieve me I attempted to escape but seizing my hand he detained me by a kind of gentle violence
And why this confusion my dear Miss Courtney do you blush for having acted with propriety and spirit I burst into tears—I could not help it—How weak is this how unworthy of the good sense you have just manifested
I confess it but I feel myself at this moment a poor a friendless an unprotected being
What prejudices poverty is neither criminal nor disgraceful you will not want friends while you continue to deserve them and as for protection and he smiled I had not expected from Emma Courtneys spirited letter to Mr Morton and equally proper retort to his ladys impertinence so plaintive so feminine a complaint—You have talents cultivate them and learn to rest on your own powers
I thank you for your reproof and solicit your future lessons
Can you bear the truth
Try me
Have you not cherished a false pride
It is too true thought I and I sighed
How shall I cure this foible
By selfexamination by resolution and perseverance
Be to me instead of a conscience
What then is become of your own
Prejudice I doubt has blinded and warped it
I suspect so but you have energy and candor and are not I hope of a temper to despond
The return of the family terminated this singular conversation The young ladies rallied me on being found têteàtête with the philosopher Mr Montague I thought looked displeased I stole out while the party were dressing for dinner and rambled into the gardens which were extensive and laid out with taste
CHAPTER XIII
I judged my visit here would not be very long I scarcely knew whether I was most inclined to like or to fear Mr Francis but I determined if possible to cultivate his friendship I interrogated myself again and again—From whence this restlessness this languor this disgust with all I hear and see—Why do I feel wayward querulous fastidious Mr Mortons family had no hearts they appeared to want a sense that preyed incessantly on mine I could not love them and my heart panted to expand its sensations
Sarah and Ann became jealous of me and of each other the haughty yet susceptible Montague addressed each in turn with a homage equally fervent for the moment and equally transient This young man was bold ardent romantic and enterprizing but blown about by every gust of passion he appeared each succeeding moment a different character with a glowing and rapid imagination he had never given himself time to reason to compare to acquire principles following the bent of a raised yet capricious fancy he was ever in pursuit of meteors that led him into mischief or phantoms that dissolved at his approach
Had my mind been more assured and at ease I could have amused myself with the whimsical flights of this eccentric being—One hour attracted by the sportive graces of Ann he played with and caressed her while the minutes flew rapidly on the light wing of amusement and till reminded by the grave countenance of Mr Morton seemed to forget that any other person was present The next minute disgusted by her frivolity all his attention was absorbed by the less fascinating but more artful and ingenious Sarah Then quitting them both he would pursue my steps break in upon my meditations and haunt my retreats from whence when not disposed to be entertained by his caprice I found it not difficult to drive him by attacking some of his various prejudices—accustomed to feel and not to reason his tastes and opinions were vehement and uncontroulable
From this society so uncongenial to my reflecting reasoning mind I found some resource in the conversation of Mr Francis The pride of Montague was evidently piqued by the decided preference which I gave to the company of his friend but his homage or his resentment were alike indifferent to me accustomed to speak and act from my convictions I was but little solicitous respecting the opinion of others My understanding was exercised by attending to the observations of Mr Francis and by discussing the questions to which they led yet it was exercised without being gratified he opposed and bewildered me convicted me of error and harrassed me with doubt
Mr Francis soon after prepared to return to town I was affected at the idea of his departure and felt that in losing his society I should be deprived of my only rational recreation and should again be exposed to Mrs Mortons illiberal attacks who appeared to have marked me out for her victim though at present restrained by the presence of a man who had found means to inspire even her with some degree of respect
Mr Francis on the evening preceding the day on which he purposed leaving Morton Park passing under the open window of my chamber in which I was sitting with a book to enjoy the refreshing breeze invited me to come down and accompany him in a ramble I immediately complied with his request and joined him in a few minutes with a countenance clouded with regret at the idea of his quitting us
You are going said I as I gave him my hand which he passed under his arm and I lose my friend and counsellor
Your concern is obliging but you are capable of standing alone and your mind by so doing will acquire strength
I feel as if this would not be the case the world appears to me a thorny and pathless wilderness I step with caution and look around me with dread—That I require protection and assistance is I confess a proof of weakness but it is nevertheless true
Mr Montague replied he with some degree of archness in his tone and manner is a gallant knight a pattern of chivalry and appears to be particularly calculated for the defender of distressed damsels
I have no inclination to trust myself to the guidance of one who seems himself entangled in an inextricable maze of error and whose versatile character affords little basis for confidence
Tell me what it is you fear—are your apprehensions founded in reason
Recollect my youth my sex and my precarious situation
I thought you contemned the plea of sex as a sanction for weakness
Though I disallow it as a natural I admit it as an artificial plea
Explain yourself
The character you tell me is modified by circumstances the customs of society then have enslaved enervated and degraded woman
I understand you there is truth in your remark though you have given it undue force
I hesitated—my heart was full—I felt as if there were many things which I wished to say but however paradoxical the manners of Mr Francis repressed while they invited confidence I respected his reason but I doubted whether I could inspire him with sympathy or make him fully comprehend my feelings I conceived I could express myself with more freedom on paper but I had not courage to request a correspondence when he was silent on the subject That it would be a source of improvement to me I could not doubt but prejudice withheld me from making the proposal He looked at me and perceived my mind struggling with a suggestion to which it dared not give utterance he suspected the truth but was unwilling to disturb the operations of my understanding We walked for some time in silence—my companion struck into a path that led towards the house—listened to the village clock as it struck nine—and observed the hour grew late He had distinguished me and I was flattered by that distinction he had supported me against the arrogance of Mrs Morton retorted the sly sarcasms of Sarah and even helped to keep the impetuous Montague in awe and obliged him to rein in his offensive spirit every moment on the brink of outrage My heart formed for grateful attachment taking in one instant a hasty retrospect of the past and a rapid glance into futurity experienced at that moment so desolating a pang that I endeavoured in vain to repress its sensations and burst into a flood of tears Mr Francis suddenly stopped appeared moved and with a benevolent aspect and soothing accents enquired into the cause of an emotion so sudden and unexpected I wept a few minutes in silence and my spirits seemed in some measure relieved
I weep said I because I am friendless to be esteemed and cherished is necessary to my existence I am an alien in the family where I at present reside I cannot remain here much longer and to whom and whither shall I go
He took my hand—I will not at present say all that it might be proper to say because I perceive your mind is in a feeble state—My affairs call me to London—yet there is a method of conversing at a distance
I eagerly availed myself of this suggestion which I had wished without having the courage to propose
Will you then allow me through the medium of pen and paper to address to consult you as I may see occasion
Will I yes most cheerfully Propose your doubts and state your difficulties and we shall see smiling whether they admit of a solution
Thanking him I engaged to avail myself of this permission and we proceeded slowly to the house and joined the party in the supper room I never once thought of my red and swoln eyes till Sarah glancing a look half curious half sarcastic towards me exclaimed from Shakespear in an affected tone
Parting is such sweet sorrow
Mr Francis looked at her sternly she blushed and was silent Mr Montague was captious Ann mortified that she could not by her little tricks gain his attention Mrs Morton sat wrapped in mock dignity while Mr Morton and his philosophic friend canvassed the principles upon which an horizontal mill was about to be constructed on the estate of the former. After a short and scanty meal I retired to my apartment determined to rise early the next morning and make breakfast for my friend before his departure
CHAPTER XIV
Mr Francis had ordered his horse to be ready at five oclock I left my chamber at four to have the pleasure of preparing for him the last friendly repast and of saying farewel He was serene and chearful as usual I somewhat more pensive we parted with great cordiality he gave me his address in town and engaged me to write to him shortly I accompanied him through the Park to the porters lodge where the servant and horses waited his coming My eyes glistened as I bade him adieu and reiterated my wishes for his safety and prosperity while his features softened into a more than usual benignity as he returned my salutation
I wandered thoughtfully back towards the house but the rich purple that began to illumine the east the harbinger of the rising sun the freshness of the morning air the soft dews which already glittered on every fragrant plant and flower the solemn stillness so grateful to the reflecting mind that pervaded the scene induced me to prolong my walk Every object appeared in unison with my feelings my heart swelled with devotional affections it aspired to the Author of nature. After having bewildered ourselves amid systems and theories religion in such situations returns to the susceptible mind as a sentiment rather than as a principle A passing cloud let fall a gentle drizzling shower sheltered beneath the leafy umbrage of a spreading oak I rather heard than felt it yet the coolness it diffused seemed to quench those ardent emotions which are but too congenial with my disposition while the tumult of the passions subsided into a delicious tranquillity
How mutable are human beings—A very few hours converted this sublime complacency into perturbation and tumult Having extended my walk beyond its accustomed limits on my return I retired somewhat fatigued to my apartment and devoted the morning to my studies At the dinner hour I joined the family each individual of which seemed wrapped up in reserve scarcely deigning to practise the common ceremonies of the occasion I was not sufficiently interested in the cause of these appearances to make any enquiries and willingly resigned myself in the intervals of the entertainment to meditation
When the table was cleared and the servants had withdrawn perceiving the party not sociably inclined I was about to retire—when Mrs Morton observed with features full of a meaning which I did not comprehend that—
Their guest Mr Francis had no doubt left Morton Park gratefully impressed by the kindness of Miss Courtney
Montague reddened—bit his lips—got up—and sat down again The young ladies wore an air not perfectly goodhumoured and a little triumphant Mr Morton looked very solemn
I hope so Madam I replied somewhat carelessly I felt myself indebted to Mr Francis for his civilities and was solicitous to make him all the return in my power—I wish that power had been enlarged
She held up her hands and eyes with an affected and ridiculous gesture
Mr Francis said Montague abruptly is very happy in having inspired you with sentiments so partial
I am not partial—I am merely just Mr Francis appeared to me a rational man and my understanding was exercised and gratified by his conversation
I was about to proceed but my uncle who seemed to have been tutored for the occasion interrupted me with much gravity
You are but little acquainted Emma with the customs of society there is great indecorum in a young ladys making these distinctions
What distinctions my dear Sir—in prefering a reasonable man to fools and coxcombs
Forgive me my dear—you have a quick wit but you want experience I am informed that you breakfasted with Mr Francis this morning and attended him through the Park—this with your late walk yesterday evening and evident emotion on your return let me tell you child wears an indecorous appearance—the world is justly attentive to the conduct of young women and too apt to be censorious
I looked round me with unaffected surprize—Good God—did I suppose in this family it was necessary to be upon my guard against malicious constructions
Pray—interrupted Sarah pertly—would you not have expressed some surprize had I shewed Mr Montague similar attentions
I looked at her I believe a little too contemptuously—Whatever sentiments might have been excited in my mind by the attentions of Miss Morton to Mr Montague surprize assuredly would not have been among them
She coloured and Montagues passions began to rise I stopped him at the beginning of an impertinent harangue by observing—
That I did not think myself accountable to him for my conduct—before I should be solicitous respecting his opinions he must give me better reasons than he had hitherto done to respect his judgment
Ann wept and prattled something to which nobody thought it worth while to attend
Well Sir continued I turning to Mr Morton be pleased to give me in detail what you have to alledge that I may be enabled to justify myself
Will you allow me to ask you a question
Most certainly
Has Mr Francis engaged you to correspond with him
I was silent a few moments
You hesitate
Only Sir how to answer your question—I certainly intend myself the pleasure of addressing Mr Francis on paper but I cannot strictly say he engaged me so to do as it was a proposal he was led to make by conjecturing my wishes on the subject
Again Mrs Morton with uplifted hands and eyes—What effrontery
I seemed not to hear her—Have you any thing more to say my dear uncle
You are a strange girl It would not perhaps be proper before this company to enquire—and he stopped
Any thing is proper Sir to enquire of me and in any company—I have no reserves no secrets
Well then I think it necessary to inform you that though a sensible well educated liberalminded man Mr Francis has neither estate nor fortune nor does he practise any lucrative profession
I am sorry for it on his own account and for those whom his generosity might benefit But what is it to me
You affect to misunderstand me
I affect nothing
I will speak more plainly—Has he made you any proposals
The purport of this solemn but ludicrous preparation at once flashed upon my mind the first time the thought had ever occurred I laughed—I could not help it
I considered Mr Francis as a philosopher and not as a lover Does this satisfy you Sir
My uncles features in spite of himself relaxed into a halfsmile
Very platonic—sweet simplicity—drauled out Mrs Morton in ironical accents
I will not be insulted Mr Morton quitting my seat and rising in temper—I consider myself merely as your visitant and not as responsible to any one for my actions Conscious of purity of intention and superior to all disguise or evasion I was not aware of these feminine indelicate unfriendly suggestions If this behaviour be a specimen of what I am to expect in the world—the world may do its will—but I will never be its slave while I have strength of mind to form principles and courage to act upon them I am determined to preserve my freedom and trust to the general candour and good sense of mankind to appreciate me justly As the brother of my late father and as entitled to respect from your own kind intentions I am willing to enter into any explanations which you Sir may think necessary—neither my motives nor my actions have ever yet shrunk from investigation Will you permit me to attend you in your library It is not my intention to intrude longer on your hospitality and I could wish to avail myself of your experience and counsels respecting my future destination
Mr Morton at my request withdrew with me into the library where I quickly removed from his mind those injurious suspicions with which Mrs Morton had laboured to inspire him He would not hear of my removal from the Park—apologized for what had passed—assured me of his friendship and protection—and entreated me to consider his house as my home There was an honest warmth and sincerity in his manner that sensibly affected me I could have wept and I engaged at his repeated request not to think at present of withdrawing myself from his protection Thus we separated
How were the virtues of this really good man tarnished by an unsuitable connection In the giddy hours of youth we thoughtlessly rush into engagements that fetter our minds, and affect our future characters without reflecting on the important consequences of our conduct This is a subject on which I have had occasion to reflect deeply yet alas my own boasted reason has been but too often the dupe of my imagination
CHAPTER XV
Nothing here occupied my heart—a heart to which it was necessary to love and admire I had suffered myself to be irritated—the tumult of my spirits did not easily subside—I was mortified at the reflection—I had believed myself armed with patience and fortitude but my philosophy was swept before the impetuous emotions of my passions like chaff before the whirlwind I took up my pen to calm my spirits and addressed myself to the man who had been unconsciously the occasion of these vexations—My swelling heart needed the relief of communication
TO MR FRANCIS
I Sought earnestly for the privilege of addressing you on paper My mind seemed to overflow with a thousand sentiments that I had not the courage to express in words but now when the period is arrived that I can take up my pen unawed by your penetrating glance unchecked by your poignant reply and pour out my spirit before you I feel as if its emotions were too wayward too visionary too contradictory to merit your attention
Every thing I see and hear is a disappointment to me—brought up in retirement—conversing only with books—dwelling with ardour on the great characters and heroic actions of antiquity all my ideas of honour and distinction were associated with those of virtue and talents I conceived that the pursuit of truth and the advancement of reason, were the grand objects of universal attention and I panted to do homage to those superior minds who teaching mankind to be wise would at length lead them to happiness Accustomed to think to feel to kindle into action I am at a loss to understand the distinction between theory and practice which every one seems eager to inculcate as if the degrading and melancholy intelligence which fills my soul with despondency and pervades my understanding with gloom was to them a subject of exultation
Is virtue then a chimera—does it exist only in the regions of romance—Have we any interest in finding our fellow creatures weak and miserable—Is the Being who formed them unjust capricious impotent or tyrannical
Answer these questions that press heavily on my mind that dart across it in its brightest moments clouding its sunshine with a thick and impenetrable darkness Must the benevolent emotions which I have hitherto delighted to cherish turn into misanthropy—must the fervent and social affections of my heart give place to inanity to apathy—must the activity of a curious and vigorous mind sink into torpor and abhorred vacuity
While they teach me to distrust the existence of virtue they endeavour to impose on me in its stead a fictitious semblance and to substitute for the pure gold of truth a paltry tinsel It is in vain I ask—what have those to do with seeming who still retain that which passeth shew However my actions may be corrupted by the contagious example of the world may I still hold fast my integrity and disdain to wear the appearance of virtue when the substance shall no longer exist
To admire to esteem to love are congenial to my nature—I am unhappy because these affections are not called into exercise To venerate abstract perfection requires too vigorous an exertion of the mental powers—I would see virtue exemplified I would love it in my fellow creatures—I would catch the glorious enthusiasm and rise from created to uncreated excellence
I am perplexed with doubts relieve the wanderings of my mind solve the difficulties by which it is agitated prepare me for the world which is before me The prospect no longer beaming with light no longer glowing with a thousand vivid hues is overspread with mists which the mind's eye vainly attempts to penetrate I would feel again the value of existence the worth of rectitude the certainty of truth the blessing of hope Ah tell me not—that the gay expectations of youth have been the meteors of fancy the visions of a romantic and distempered imagination If I must not live to realize them I would not live at all
My harrassed mind turns to you You will not ridicule its scruples—you will at least deign to reason with me and in the exercise of my understanding I shall experience a temporary relief from the sensations which devour me the suspicions that distress me and which spread over futurity a fearful veil
Emma
I walked to the next market town and left my letter at the posthouse—I waited impatiently for a reply my mind wanted impression and sunk into languor The answer which arrived in a few days was kind because it was prompt my sickly mind required a speedy remedy
TO EMMA COURTNEY
Why will you thus take things in masses and continually dwell in extremes You deceive yourself instead of cultivating your reason you are fostering an excessive sensibility a fastidious delicacy It is the business of reason to compare to separate to discriminate Is there no medium—extraordinary exertions are only called forth by extraordinary contingences—because every human being is not a hero are we then to distrust the existence of virtue
The mind is modified by the circumstances in which it is placed by the accidents of birth and education the constitutions of society are all as yet imperfect they have generated and perpetuated many mistakes—the consequences of those mistakes will eventually carry with them their antidote the seeds of reproduction are even visible in their decay The growth of reason is slow but not the less sure the increase of knowledge must necessarily prepare the way for the increase of virtue and happiness
Look back upon the early periods of society and taking a retrospective view of what has been done amidst the interruptions of barbarous inroads falling empires and palsying despotism calculate what yet may be achieved while the causes, which have hitherto impeded the progress of civilization must continue to decrease in an accelerated ration with the wide and still wider diffusion of truth
We may trace most of the faults and the miseries of mankind to the vices and errors of political institutions their permanency having been their radical defect Like children we have dreamt that what gratifies our desires or contributes to our convenience today will prove equally useful and satisfactory tomorrow without reflecting on the growth of the body the change of humours the new objects and the new situations which every succeeding hour brings in its train That immutability which constitutes the perfection of what we from the poverty of language term the divine mind would inevitably be the bane of creatures liable to error it is of the constancy rather than of the fickleness of human beings that we have reason to complain
Every improvement must be the result of successive experiments this has been found true in natural science and it must be universally applied to be universally beneficial Bigotry whether religious political moral or commercial is the cankerworm at the root of the tree of knowledge and of virtue The wildest speculations are less mischievous than the torpid state of error he who tamely resigns his understanding to the guidance of another sinks at once from the dignity of a rational being to a mechanical puppet moved at pleasure on the wires of the artful operator—Imposition is the principle and support of every varied description of tyranny whether civil or ecclesiastical moral or mental its baneful consequence is to degrade both him who is imposed on and him who imposes Obedience is a word which ought never to have had existence as we recede from conviction and languidly resign ourselves to any foreign authority we quench the principle of action of virtue of reason;—we bear about the semblance of humanity but the spirit is fled
These are truths, which will slowly but ultimately prevail in the splendour of which the whole fabric of superstition will gradually fade and melt away The world like every individual has its progress from infancy to maturity—How many follies do we commit in childhood how many errors are we precipitated into by the fervour and inexperience of youth Is not every stable principle acquired through innumerable mistakes—can you wonder that in society amidst the aggregate of jarring interests and passions reformation is so tardy Though civilization has been impeded by innumerable obstacles even these help to carry on the great work empires may be overturned and the arts scattered but not lost The hordes of barbarians which overwhelmed ancient Rome adopted at length the religion the laws, and the improvements of the vanquished as Rome had before done those of Greece As the stone which thrown into the water spreads circles still more and more extended—or to adopt the gospel similitude as the grain of mustard seed growing up into a large tree shelters the fowls of heaven in its branches—so will knowledge at length diffuse itself till it covers the whole earth
When the minds of men are changed the system of things will also change but these changes though active and incessant must be gradual Reason will fall softly and almost imperceptibly like a gentle shower of dews fructifying the soil and preparing it for future harvests Let us not resemble the ambitious shepherd who calling for the accumulated waters of the Nile upon his lands was with his flock swept away in the impetuous torrent
You ask whether—because human beings are still imperfect—you are to resign your benevolence and to cherish misanthropy What a question Would you hate the inhabitants of an hospital for being infected with a pestilential disorder Let us remember that vice originates in mistakes of the understanding, and that he who seeks happiness by means contradictory and destructive is emphatically the sinner Our duties then are obvious—If selfish and violent passions have been generated by the inequalities of society we must labour to counteract them by endeavouring to combat prejudice to expand the mind, to give comprehensive views to teach mankind their true interest and to lead them to habits of goodness and greatness Every prejudice conquered every mistake rectified every individual improved is an advance upon the great scale of virtue and happiness
Let it then be your noblest ambition to cooperate with to join your efforts to those of philosophers and sages the benefactors of mankind To waste our time in useless repinings is equally weak and vain every one in his sphere may do something each has a little circle where his influence will be availing Correct your own errors which are various—weeds in a luxuriant soil—and you will have done something towards the general reformation But you are able to do more—be vigilant be active beware of the illusions of fancy I suspect that you will have much to suffer—may you at length reap the fruits of a wholesome though it should be a bitter experience
—— Francis
I perused the letter I had received again and again it awakened a train of interesting reflections and my spirits became tranquillized
CHAPTER XVI
Early one fine morning Ann tapped gently at the door of my chamber I had already risen and invited her to enter
Would I accompany her to breakfast with a widow lady who resided in a village about two miles from Morton Park an occasional visitant in the family a lady with whom she was certain I should be charmed
I smiled at her ardour thanked her for her kindness and readily agreed to her proposal We strolled together through an adjacent wood which by a shady and winding path conducted us towards the residence of this vaunted favourite of my little companion
On our way she entertained me with a slight sketch of the history of Mrs Harley and her family She was the widow of a merchant who was supposed to possess great property but practising occasionally as an underwriter a considerable capture by the enemy during war time of some rich ships reduced his fortune and by the consequent anxiety completely destroyed a before debilitated constitution He died in a few weeks after the confirmation of his loss and having neglected to make a will a freehold estate of some value which was all that remained of his effects devolved of course to his eldest son his two younger sons and three daughters being left wholly unprovided for Augustus Harley the heir immediately sold the estate and divided the produce in equal shares between each individual of the family His brothers had been educated for commerce and were enabled through the generous kindness of Augustus to carry on with advantage and reputation their respective occupations the sisters were soon after eligibly married Augustus who had been educated for the law disgusted with its chicanery relinquished the profession content to restrain his expences within the limits of a narrow income This income had since received an increase by the bequest of a distant relation a man of a whimsical character who had married early in life a beautiful woman for love but his wife having eloped from him with an officer and in the course of the intrigue practised a variety of deceptions he had retired disgusted from society cherishing a misanthropical spirit and on his decease bequeathed an annual sum of four hundred pounds to Augustus Harley to whom in his childhood he had been particularly attached on condition of his remaining unmarried On his marriage or death this legacy passed into another branch of the family On this acquisition Augustus determined on making the tour of Europe and after travelling on the continent for three years on his return to his native country alternately resided either in the village of—— with his mother or in the metropolis where he divided his time between liberal studies and rational recreation His visits to the country had of late been shorter and less frequent he was the idol of his mother and universally respected by his acquaintance for his noble and generous conduct—Ah added the lively narrator could you but see Augustus Harley you would infallibly lose your heart—so frank so pleasant so ingenuous are his manners so intrepid and yet so humane Montague is a fine gentleman but Augustus Harley is more—he is a man
She began to grow eloquent on this apparently exhaustless theme nor did she cease her panegyric till we came in view of Mrs Harleys mansion
You will love the mother as well as the son continued this agreeable prattler when you come to know her she is very good and very sensible
Drawing near the house she tripped from me to enquire if its mistress had yet risen
A small white tenement half obscured in shrubbery on a verdant lawn of dimensions equally modest situated on the side of a hill and commanding an extensive and variegated prospect was too interesting and picturesque an object, not to engage for some moments my attention The image of Augustus also which my lively companion had pourtrayed with more than her usual vivacity played in my fancy—my heart paid involuntary homage to virtue and I entered the mansion of Mrs Harley with a swelling emotion made up of complicated feelings—half respectful half tender—sentiments too mingled to be distinctly traced I was introduced into a room that overlooked a pleasant garden and which the servant called a library It was hung with green paper the carpet the same colour green venetian blinds to the windows a sopha and chairs covered with white dimity some drawings and engravings hung on the walls arranged with exact symmetry on one side of the room stood a grand pianoforte opposite to which was a handsome bookcase filled with books elegantly bound in the middle of the apartment was placed a table covered with a green cloth on which was a reading desk some books and pamphlets with implements for writing and drawing Nothing seemed costly yet neatness order and taste appeared through the whole apartment bespeaking the elegant and cultivated mind of the owner
After amusing myself for a short time in this charming retirement I was summoned by Ann to the breakfast room where Mrs Harley awaited me I was interested at the first glance in favour of this amiable woman—she appeared to be near fifty her person agreeable her countenance animated her address engaging and her manners polished Mutually pleased with each other the hours passed rapidly and till reminded by a significant look from my little friend I was unconscious that I had made my visit of an unreasonable length
Mrs Harley spoke much of her son he was the darling and the pride of her heart she lamented the distance that separated them and wished that her health and his tenderness would allow of her residence with him in London When conversing on this favourite topic a glow enlivened her countenance and her eyes sparkled with a humid brightness I was affected by her maternal love—tender remembrances and painful comparisons crouded into my mind—a tear fell that would not be twinkled away—she observed it and seemed to feel its meaning she held out her hand to me I took it and pressed it to my lips At parting she entreated me speedily to renew my visit to come often without ceremony—I should cheer her solitude—my sympathy for she perceived I had a feeling heart would help to console her in the absence of her Augustus
CHAPTER XVII
On our way home Ann was in high spirits congratulating herself upon her sagacity
Mrs Harley said she archly leering in my face will console you for the departure of Mr Francis
I smiled without replying At dinner our visit of the morning was canvassed Ann had wished me to conceal it but this I positively refused Mr Morton spoke of Mrs Harley and her son with great respect Mrs Morton with a sarcastic sneer accompanied with a reprimand to her daughter for the improper liberty she had taken
I quitted the table immediately after the desert to stifle my disgust and taking a book wandered into the pleasure grounds but incapable of fixing my attention I presently shut my book and sauntering slowly on indulged in a reverie My melancholy reflections again returned—How could I remain in a house where I was every day marked out for insult by its mistress—and where was I to dispose of myself My fortune was insufficient to allow of my boarding in a respectable family Mrs Harley came across my mind—Amiable woman—Would she indeed accept of my society and allow me to soften her solitude—But her income was little less limited than my own—it must not be thought of I reflected on the inequalities of society the source of every misery and of every vice and on the peculiar disadvantages of my sex I sighed bitterly and clasping my hands together exclaimed unconsciously—
Whither can I go—and where shall I find an asylum
Allow me to propose one said a voice in a soft accent suddenly behind me
I started turned and beheld Mr Montague After some expressions of sympathy for the distress which he had witnessed apologies for his intrusion and incoherent expressions of respect and regard he somewhat abruptly offered his hand and heart to my acceptance with the impetuosity which accompanied all his sentiments and actions yet he expressed himself with the air of a man who believes he is conferring an obligation I thanked him for his generous proposal—
But as my heart spake not in his favour—I must be allowed to decline it
That heart said he rudely is already bestowed upon another
Certainly not Mr Montague if it were I would frankly tell you
He pronounced the name of Mr Francis—
Mr Francis is a man for whom I feel a sincere respect and veneration—a man whom I should be proud to call my friend but a thought beyond that I dare venture to say has never occurred to either of us
He knew not how to conceive—that a woman in my situation unprepossessed could reject so advantageous an establishment
This I told him was indelicate both to me and to himself Were my situation yet more desolate I would not marry any man merely for an establishment for whom I did not feel an affection
Would I please to describe to him the model of perfection which I should require in a husband
It was unnecessary as I saw no probability of the portrait bearing any resemblance to himself
He reddened and turned pale alternately bit his lips and muttered to himself—Damned romantic affectation
I assumed a firmer tone—methought he insulted me—I beg you will leave me Sir—I chuse to be alone—By what right do you intrude upon my retirements
My determined accent abashed him—he tried but with an ill grace to be humble and entreated me to take time for consideration
There is no need of it It is a principle with me not to inflict a moments suspence on any human being when my own mind is decided
Then you absolutely refuse me and prefer the being exposed to the mean and envious insults of the vulgar mistress of this mansion
Of the two evils I consider it as the least because it involves no permanent obligation
His countenance was convulsed with passion His love he told me was converted into vengeance by my scorn he was not to be contemned with impunity and he warned me to beware
I smiled I believe a little too contemptuously You love me not Sir I am glad for your own sake that you never loved me
My hatred may be more terrible
You cannot intimidate me—I am little accustomed to fear
I turned from him somewhat disdainfully but instantly recollecting myself I stepped back and apologized for the harsh manner into which I had been betrayed by his abrupt address vehement expostulation and the previous irritated state of my mind
I acknowledge said I the disinterestedness of your proposal and the distinction which it implies Will you allow my own wounded feelings to be an excuse for the too little consideration with which I have treated yours Can you forgive me added I in a conciliating tone holding out my hand
The strong emotions which rapidly succeeded each other in his mind were painted in his countenance After a moments hesitation he snatched the hand I offered him pressed it to his lips and murmuring a few incoherent words burst into tears My spirits were already depressed—affected by these marks of his sensibility and still more distressed by the recollection of the pain I had occasioned him by my inconsiderate behaviour I wept with him for some minutes in silence
Let us no more resumed I making an effort to recover myself renew these impressions I thank you sincerely for the sympathy you have manifested for my situation I am sensible that I have yielded to weak and wayward feelings—I have youth health and activity—I ought not—neither do I despair—The mortifications I have experienced since my residence here will afford me a useful lesson for the future—they have already taught me what I before merely conjectured the value of independence
Why then interrupted he with quickness do you reject an opportunity of placing yourself out of the reach of insult
Stop my good friend replied I smilingly looking in his face there is a possibility of exchanging evils You are yet too young and too unstable maturely to have weighed the importance of the scheme you propose Remember likewise that you are yourself in a great measure dependent on the will of your father and that much reflection is requisite before we fetter ourselves with engagements that once entered into are not easily dissolved
You allow me then to hope
Indeed I meant not to imply any such thing I wish to soften what I have already expressed—but there are a variety of reasons which oblige me to assure you that I see no probability of changing my sentiments on the subject
Why then this cruel ostentation I would either love or hate bless or curse you
You shall do neither if I can prevent it If my esteem is of any value to you you must learn to respect both me and yourself
Esteem—Is that to be my frigid reward
If mine be worthless propose to yourself your own as a recompense
I have already forfeited it by seeking to move a heart that triumphs in its cold inflexibility
Is this just—is it kind Is it indeed my welfare you seek while you can thus add to the vexations and embarrassment which were before sufficiently oppressive I would preserve you from an act of precipitation and imprudence—in return you load me with unmerited reproaches But it is time to put an end to a conversation that can answer little other purpose than vain recrimination
He was about to speak—Say no more—I feel myself again in danger of losing my temper—my spirits are agitated—I would not give you pain—Allow me to retire and be assured of my best wishes
Some of the family appearing in sight as if advancing towards us favoured my retreat I quitted the place with precipitation and retired to my chamber where I sought by employing myself to calm the perturbation of my heart
CHAPTER XVIII
In a few days I renewed my visit to Mrs Harley—a strong sympathy united us and we became almost inseparable Every day I discovered in this admirable woman a new and indissoluble tie that bound me to her Her cultivated understanding afforded an inexhaustible fund of instruction and entertainment and her affectionate heart spread a charm over her most indifferent actions We read we walked we conversed together but with whatever subjects these conversations commenced some associated idea always led them to terminate in an eulogium on the virtues and talents or an expression of regret for the absence of Augustus There was a portrait of him drawn by a celebrated artist which he had lately sent from town as a present to his mother hung up in the library I accustomed myself to gaze on this resemblance of a man in whose character I felt so lively an interest till I fancied I read in the features all the qualities imputed to the original by a tender and partial parent
Cut off from the society of mankind and unable to expound my sensations all the strong affections of my soul seemed concentrated to a single point Without being conscious of it my grateful love for Mrs Harley had already by a transition easy to be traced by a philosophic mind transferred itself to her son He was the St Preux the Emilius of my sleeping and waking reveries I now spent almost my whole time in the cottage of my friend returning to Morton Park late in the evening and quitting it early in the morning and sometimes being wholly absent for weeks together
Six months thus passed away in tranquillity with but little variation Mr Montague during this period had several times left Mr Mortons and returned again abruptly his manners became sullen and even at times ferocious I carefully avoided encountering him fearful of exasperating a spirit that appeared every moment on the verge of excess
Hastening one evening to my friend after a longer separation than common having been prevailed on by Mr Morton and his daughters to accompany them on a distant visit where business of Mr Mortons detained us for some days I ran into the library as usual and threw myself into the arms of Mrs Harley that opened spontaneously to receive me
Ah you little truant said she in a voice of kindness where have you been so long My son has visited me in your absence he passed through this part of the country in his way to the seat of a friend He staid with me two days during which I sent half a dozen messages to Morton Park but you were flown away it seems nor could I learn any tidings of you Augustus continued she without observing the emotions she excited had scarcely quitted the house an hour when you arrived
I made no reply an unaccountable sensation seized and oppressed my heart—sinking on the sopha I burst into a convulsive flood of tears
My friend was struck all the indiscretion of her conduct as she has since told me flashed suddenly into her mind she felt that in indulging her own maternal sensations she had perhaps done me an irreparable injury and she shuddered at the probable consequences It was some moments before either of us recovered—our conversation was that evening for the first time constrained reserved and painful and we retired at an early hour to our respective apartments
I spent the night in selfexamination I was compelled to acknowledge to myself that solitude the absence of other impressions the previous circumstances that had operated on my character my friendship for Mrs Harley and her eloquent affectionate reiterated praises of her son had combined to awaken all the exquisite though dormant sensibilities of my nature and however romantic it might appear to others and did appear even to myself I felt that I loved an ideal object for such was Augustus Harley to me with a tender and fervent excess an excess perhaps involving all my future usefulness and welfare People in general says Rousseau do not sufficiently consider the influence which the first attachments between man and woman have over the remainder of their lives they do not perceive that an impression so strong and so lively as that of love is productive of a long chain of effects which pass unobserved in a course of years yet nevertheless continue to operate till the day of their deaths It was in vain I attempted to combat this illusion my reason was but an auxiliary to my passion it persuaded me that I was only doing justice to high and uncommon worth imagination lent her aid and an importunate sensibility panting after good unalloyed completed the seduction
From this period Mrs Harley was more guarded in her conduct she carefully avoided the mention of her son—Under pretence of having an alteration made in the frame she removed his picture from the library but the constraint she put upon herself was too evident and painful we no longer sought with equal ardour an interchange of sentiment reserve took place of the tender confidence of friendship a thousand times while I gazed upon her dear averted countenance I yearned to throw myself upon her bosom to weep to unfold to her the inmost recesses of my mind—that ingenuous mind which languished for communication and preyed upon itself Dear and cruel friend why did you transfix my heart with the barbed and envenomed arrow and then refuse to administer the only healing balsam
My visits to Mrs Harley became less frequent I shut myself up whole days in my apartment at Morton Park or wandered through its now leafless groves absorbed in meditation—fostering the sickly sensibility of my soul and nursing wild improbable chimerical visions of felicity that touched by the sober wand of truth would have melted into thin air The more desires I have observes an acute and profound French Philosopher4 the less ardent they are The torrents that divide themselves into many branches are the least dangerous in their course A strong passion is a solitary passion that concentrates all our desires within one point
4 Helvetius
CHAPTER XIX
I had not seen my friend for many days when on a dark and stormy night in the month of January between nine and ten oclock the family at Morton Park were alarmed by a loud and violent knocking at the hall door
On opening it a servant appeared—and a chaise the porter having unbolted the great gates drew up to the door The man delivered a note addressed to Miss Courtney I was unacquainted with the handwriting and unfolded it with trepidation It contained but a few lines written in a female character and signed with the name of a lady who resided about twelve miles from Morton Park at whose house Mrs Harley sometimes made a visit of a few days It stated—
That my friend was seized at the mansion of this lady with an apoplectic fit from which she had been restored after some hours of insensibility that the physicians were apprehensive of a relapse and that Mrs Harley had expressed a desire of seeing Miss Courtney—A carriage and servants were sent for her conveyance
Mr Morton was from home his lady made no offer of any of her own domestics to accompany me Montague who had been at the Park for some days past solicited permission to be my escort I hesitated a moment and would willingly have declined this proposal but he repeated and enforced it with a vehemence that in the present hurried state of my mind I had not spirits to oppose Shocked alarmed distressed I wrapped a shawl round me and sprang into the chaise Montague stepped in after me and seated himself by my side the horses galloped or rather flew down the avenue that led to the high road
We travelled with great swiftness and in uninterrupted silence for some miles the darkness was so thick and profound that I could not discover the road we took and I began to feel very impatient to arrive at the place of our destination I questioned my companion respecting his knowledge of our situation and expressed an apprehension that we might possibly have missed the way He made no reply to my interrogation but starting as if from a reverie seized my hand while his own trembled with a visible agitation and began once more to urge a suit which I had hoped the steadiness and consistency of my conduct had induced him entirely to relinquish
Is this a time Mr Montague for an address of this nature—do you believe that my favour is to be gained by these proofs of inconsideration Have some respect for the claims of humanity and friendship and in seeking my affection do not forfeit my esteem
He was about to reply and I could perceive by the few words which he uttered and by the tone of his voice that he struggled in vain to rein in his quick and irascible spirit when in turning a sharp angle of the road the horses took fright at some object indistinctly seen and ran precipitately down a steep hill with a velocity that threatened immediate destruction
My companion forcing open the door seemed inclined to leap from the carriage but hesitated as if unwilling to desert me in so imminent a danger I exhorted him to think only of providing for his own safety and letting down the glasses on the side on which I sat I resigned myself to my fate In springing from the chaise by some means Montague entangled his coat in the step—he fell without clearing it and I felt with a horror that congealed my blood the wheel go over him In a few minutes I perceived a traveller at the risque of his own life endeavouring to stop the horses—the pole of the chaise striking him with great force he was obliged to relinquish his humane efforts—but this impediment occasioning the restive animals to turn out of the road they ran furiously up a bank and overset the carriage I felt it going and sitting with my arms folded close in the lower corner fell with it without attempting to struggle by which means I escaped unhurt
The stranger once more came to our assistance and the mettle of the horses being now pretty well exhausted my deliverer was enabled to cut the traces and then hastened to extricate me from my perilous situation It was some time before I recovered myself sufficiently to thank him for his humanity and to assure him that I had received no other injury than from my fears I then mentioned to him my apprehensions for the fate of my fellow traveller entreating that he would return with me in search of him With this request he immediately complied leaving the horses in the care of the servants neither of which had received any material hurt
We soon discovered the unfortunate Montague lying in the road in a melancholy situation the wheel had gone over one of his legs the bone of which was broken and splintered in a terrible manner and having fainted from the pain we were at first apprehensive that he was already dead Turning from this shocking spectacle a faint sickness overspread my heart the stranger supported me in his arms while a violent burst of tears preserved me from swooning My companion examining the body perceived signs of life and by our united efforts sense and recollection were soon restored
I remained with Montague while the stranger returned to the carriage to enquire what damages it had received and whether it was in a condition to proceed to the next village which the postilion informed him was near two miles from the spot where the accident had happened and we were yet five miles from the place whither we were going The axletree and one of the hind wheels upon examination were found broken the traces had been cut in pieces and the horses had the chaise been in a better condition were so unmanageable in consequence of their late fright that it would have been dangerous to have attempted putting them again into harness
With this intelligence our kind friend came back to us—We held a short consultation on the means most proper to be adopted and at length it was determined that after placing Montague in the carriage where he should be sheltered from the inclemency of the elements and leaving him in the charge of the servants the traveller and myself should walk onward to the village and send a chaise or litter for the conveyance of our unfortunate companion
To this proposal Montague assented at the same time declaring it to be his intention to proceed directly across the country to the house of his father which could not he conjectured be at any great distance and where he should be assured of meeting with greater attention and more skilful assistance than at a petty inn in a paltry village Having thus adjusted our plan and with the help of the servants carefully placed Montague in the chaise we proceeded towards the village
CHAPTER XX
The night was tempestuous and though the moon was now rising her light was every moment obscured by dark clouds discharging frequent and heavy showers of rain accompanied by furious gusts of wind After walking near a mile we entered upon a wide heath which afforded no shelter from the weather I perceived my companions steps began to grow feeble and his voice faint The moon suddenly emerging from a thick cloud I observed his countenance and methought his features seemed familiar to me but they were overspread by a pallid and deathlike hue He stopped suddenly—
I am very ill said he in a tone of voice that penetrated into my soul and can proceed no further
He sunk upon the turf Seating myself beside him while his head fell on my shoulder I threw around him my supporting arms His temples were bedewed with a cold sweat and he appeared to be in expiring agonies A violent sickness succeeded followed by an hemorrhage
Gracious God I exclaimed you have broken a blood vessel
I fear so he replied I have felt strangely disordered since the blow I received from the pole of the carriage but till this moment I have not been at leisure to attend to my sensations
Do not talk cried I wildly do not exhaust yourself
Again the clouds gathered an impetuous gust of wind swept over the heath and the rain fell in torrents Unconscious of what I did I clasped the stranger to my throbbing bosom—the coldness of death seemed upon him—I wrapped my shawl around him vainly attempting to screen him from the piercing blast He spake not my terrified imagination already represented him as a lifeless corpse I sat motionless for some minutes in the torpor of despair
From this horrible situation I was at length roused by the sound of a distant team breathless I listened for a few moments I again distinctly heard it wafted upon the wind when gently reclining my charge on the grass I started from the ground and ran swiftly towards the highway The sound approached and the clouds once more breaking and discovering a watery moonlight gleam I perceived with joy a waggon loaded with hay I bounded over a part of the turf that still separated me from the road and accosting the driver explained to him in a few words as much of my situation as was necessary and entreating his assistance allured him by the hope of a reward
We returned to my patient he raised his head on my approach and attempted to speak but enjoining him silence he took my hand and by a gentle pressure expressed his sense of my cares more eloquently than by words I assisted the countryman in supporting him to the road We prepared for him in the waggon a soft bed of hay upon which we placed him and resting his head on my lap we proceeded gently to the nearest village On our arrival at an indifferent inn I ordered a bed to be immediately prepared for him and sent a man and horse express to the next town for medical assistance at the same time relating in brief the accidents of the night I dispatched a carriage for the relief of Montague who was conveyed according to his wishes to the house of his father
Notwithstanding all my precautions the moving brought on a relapse of the alarming symptoms the discharge of blood returned with aggravated violence and when the physician arrived there appeared in the unfortunate sufferer but little signs of life but by the application of styptics and cordials he once more began to revive and about five in the morning I was prevailed on by the joint efforts of the landlady and the humane Dr —— to resign my seat at the beds head to a careful servant and to recruit my exhausted strength by a few hours repose
The vivid impressions which had so rapidly succeeded each other in my mind for some time kept me waking in a state of feverish agitation but my harrassed spirits were at length relieved by wearied natures kind restorer and I slept for four hours profoundly
On waking my first enquiry was after my companion in whose state I felt an unusual degree of interest and I heard with pleasure that the hemorrhage had not returned that he had rested with apparent tranquillity and appeared revived I dressed myself hastily and passed into his apartment he faintly smiled on perceiving my approach and gave me his hand—The physician had ordered him to be kept quiet and I would not suffer him to speak but contemplating more attentively his countenance which had the night before struck me with a confused recollection—what were my emotions on tracing the beloved features of Augustus Harley His resemblance not only to the portrait but to his mother could not as I thought be mistaken A universal trembling seized me—I hastened out of the apartment with tottering steps and shutting myself into my chamber a tide of melancholy emotions gushed upon my heart I wept without knowing wherefore tears half delicious half agonizing Quickly coming to myself I returned to the chamber of my patient now more tenderly endeared which officiating as a nurse for five days I never quitted except to take necessary rest and refreshment
I had written to Mr Morton a minute account of all that happened merely suppressing the name of my deliverer to this letter I received no reply but had the pleasure of hearing on the return of my messenger who was commissioned to make enquiries that Mrs Harley had suffered no return of her disorder and was daily acquiring health and strength—I feared yet to acquaint her with the situation of her son not only on the account of her own late critical situation but also lest any sudden agitation of spirits from the arrival of his mother might in his present weak state be fatal to Augustus
I now redoubled for him my cares and attentions he grew hourly better and when permitted to converse expressed in lively terms his grateful sense of my kindness Ah why did I misconstrue these emotions so natural in such circumstances—why did I flatter my heart with the belief of a sympathy which did not could not, exist!
CHAPTER XXI
As my patient began to acquire strength I demanded of him his name and family that I might inform his friends of his situation On his answering Harley I enquired smiling—
If he remembered hearing his mother speak of a little Protegé Emma Courtney whom she favoured with her partial friendship
Oh yes—and his curiosity had been strongly awakened to procure a sight of this lady
Behold her then in your nurse
Is it possible he exclaimed taking my hand and pressing it with his lips—My sister—my friend—how shall I ever pay the debt I owe you
We will settle that matter another time but it is now become proper that I should inform your excellent mother of what has happened which I have hitherto delayed lest surprise should be prejudicial to you and retard your recovery
I then recounted to him the particulars of the late occurrences of which he had before but a confused notion adding my surprise that I had neither seen nor heard any thing from Mr Morton
He informed me in his turn that having received an express informing him of his mothers alarming situation he immediately quitted the seat of his friend where he was on a visit to hasten to her that for this purpose riding late he by some means bewildered himself through the darkness of the evening by which mistake he encountered our chaise and he hoped was in some measure notwithstanding the accidents which ensued accessary to my preservation
I quitted him to write to my friend whom I at length judged it necessary to acquaint with his situation On the receipt of my letter she flew to us on the wings of maternal tenderness—folded her beloved Augustus and myself alternately to her affectionate bosom calling us her children—her darling children—I was her guardian angel—the preserver of her son—and he only could repay my goodness I ventured to raise my eyes to him—they met his—mine were humid with tears of tenderness a cloud passed over his brow—he entreated his mother to restrain her transports—he was yet too enfeebled to bear these emotions She recollected herself in an instant and after again embracing him leaning on my arm walked out into the air to relieve the tumultuous sensations that pressed upon her heart
Once more she made me recite minutely the late events—strained me in her arms repeatedly calling me—
Her beloved daughter—the meritorious child of her affections—the preserver of her Augustus
Every word she uttered sunk deep into my soul that greedily absorbed the delicious poison prepared for me by the cruel hand of more than maternal fondness
I mentioned to her my having written to Mr Morton and my astonishment at his silence
He had not yet returned she informed me to Morton Park and intimated that some malicious stories respecting my sudden disappearance had been circulated by Mrs Morton through the neighbourhood She had herself been under extreme solicitude on my account It was generally believed from the turn Mrs Mortons malice had given to the affair that I had eloped with Mr Montague—the accident which had befallen him had been rumoured but the circumstances and the occasion of it had been variously related Confiding in my principles she had waited with anxiety for the elucidation of these mysterious accounts lamenting herself as the innocent occasion of them yet assured they would eventually prove to my honour She commended the magnanimity which her partial friendship imputed to my behaviour with all the enthusiasm of affection and execrated the baseness of Mrs Morton who having received my letter must have been acquainted with the real truth
Her narration gave me many complicated and painful sensations but the good opinion of the world however desirable it may be as connected with our utility has ever been with me but a secondary consideration Confiding in the rectitude of my own conduct I composed my spirits depending on that rectitude and time for removing the malignant aspersions which at present clouded my fame The tale of slander the basis of which is falsehood will quietly wear away and should it not—how unfounded frequently are the censures of the world—how confused its judgments I entreated my friend to say nothing at present to her son on this subject it was yet of importance that his mind should be kept still and tranquil
We rejoined Augustus at the dinner hour and spent the day together in harmony and friendship The physician calling in the evening Mrs Harley consulted him whether it would be safe to remove her son as she was impatient to have him under her own roof To this the doctor made no objection provided he was conveyed in an easy carriage and by short stages On Mrs Harleys thanking him for his polite and humane attention to his patient smilingly pointing to me he replied—Her thanks were misplaced His look was arch and significant it called a glow into my cheeks I ventured once more to steal a glance at Augustus his features were again overspread with a more than usual seriousness while his eyes seemed designedly averted Mrs Harley sighed and abruptly changing the subject asked the physician an indifferent question who soon after took his leave
CHAPTER XXII
In a few days we returned to the peaceful mansion of my maternal friend Augustus seemed revived by the little journey while every hour brought with it an increase of health and spirits Mrs Harley would not suffer me to speak of going to Morton Park in the absence of its master neither could Augustus spare his kind nurse—I must stay he added and methought his accents were softened and complete my charitable purpose My appearance again in the village the respectability and the testimony of my friends cleared my fame and it was only at Morton Park that any injurious suspicions were affected to be entertained
The hours flew on downy pinions—my new brother for so he would call himself endeavoured to testify his gratitude by encouraging and assisting me in the pursuit of learning and science he gave us lectures on astronomy and philosophy—
While truths divine came mended from his tongue
I applied myself to the languages and aided by my preceptor attained a general knowledge of the principles, and philosophy of criticism and grammar and of the rules of composition Every day brought with it the acquisition of some new truth and our intervals from study were employed in music in drawing in conversation in reading the belles lettres—in—
The feast of reason, and the flow of souls
The spring was advancing—we now made little excursions either on horseback in a chaise or in a boat on the river through the adjacent country The fraternal relation which Augustus had assumed banished restraint and assisted me in deceiving myself I drank in large and intoxicating draughts of a delicious poison that had circulated through every vein to my heart before I was aware of its progress At length part of a conversation which I accidentally overheard between Mrs Harley and her son recalled me to a temporary recollection
I was seeking them in the garden towards the dusk of the evening and a filbert hedge separated us I heard the voice of my friend as speaking earnestly and I unconsciously stopped
It would be a comfort to my declining years to see you the husband of a woman of virtue and sensibility domestic affections meliorate the heart no one ought to live wholly to himself
Certainly not neither does any one but in the present state of society there are many difficulties and anxieties attending these connections they are a lottery and the prizes are few I think perhaps nearly with you but my situation is in many respects a peculiar one—and he sighed deeply—Need I enumerate these peculiarities to you Neither do I pretend to have lived so long in the world without imbibing many of its prejudices and catching the contagion of its habits
They are unworthy of you
Perhaps so—but we will if you please change the subject this to me is not a pleasant one What is become of my pupil It is likely to be a clear night let us go in and prepare for some astronomical observations
My heart reproved me for listening I crept back to my chamber—shed one tear—heaved a convulsive struggling sigh—breathed on my handkerchief applied it to my eyes and joined my friends in the library
Four months had rapidly passed—the spot of azure in the cloudy sky—of my destiny Mr Morton I was informed had returned to the Park and Augustus whose health was now thoroughly restored talked of quitting the country I advised with my friends who agreed with me that it was now become proper for me to visit my uncle and explaining to him the late events justify my conduct Mrs Harley and her son offered to accompany me but this for many reasons I declined taking my leave of them with a heavy heart and promising if I were not kindly received an immediate return
CHAPTER XXIII
On my arrival at Mr Mortons the porter informed me he was ordered by his lady to deny my entrance My swelling heart—a sentiment of indignation distended it almost to suffocation—At this moment Anne tripped lightly through the courtyard and seeing me ran to embrace me I returned her caresses with warmth
Ah said she you are not you cannot be guilty I have been longing to see you and to hear all that has happened but it was not permitted me She added in a whisper I cannot love my mother for she torments and restrains me—my desire of liberty is stronger than my duty—but I shall one day be able to outwit her
Will not your father my love allow me to speak with him I have a right to be heard and I demand his attention
He is in his dressingroom said Ann I will slide softly to him and tell him you are here
Away she flew and one of the footmen presently returned to conduct me to his master I found him alone he received me with a grave and severe aspect I related to him circumstantially the occurrences which had taken place during his absence My words my voice my manner were emphatic—animated with the energy of truth—they extorted they commanded they irresistibly compelled assent His features softened his eyes glistened he held out his hand he was about to speak—he hesitated a moment and sighed At this instant Mrs Morton burst into the room with the aspect of a fury—her bloated countenance yet more swelled and hideous—I shrunk back involuntarily—she poured forth a torrent of abuse and invective A momentary recollection reassured me—waiting till she had exhausted her breath I turned from her and to her husband with calm dignity—
I thank you Sir for all the kindness I have received from you—I am convinced you do me justice—for this I do not thank you it was a duty to which I had a claim and which you owed not only to me but to yourself My longer continuance in this house I feel would be improper For the present I return to Mrs Harleys where I shall respectfully receive and maturely weigh any counsels with which you may in future think proper to favour me
Mr Morton bowed his head poor man his mild spirit was overborne he dared not assert the dictates of his own reason I hurried out of the apartment and hastily embracing Ann who awaited me in the hall charging myself with a hundred kisses for Mrs Harley I took the way to the hospitable mansion of my friend
I had proceeded about half a mile when I beheld Augustus advancing towards me he observed my tremulous emotions and pallid countenance he took my hand holding it with a gentle pressure and throwing his other arm round me supported my faultering steps His voice was the voice of kindness—his words spake assurance and breathed hope—fallacious hope—My heart melted within me—my tremor encreased—I dissolved into tears
A deserted outcast from society—a desolate orphan—what was to become of me—to whom could I fly
Unjust girl have I then forfeited all your confidence—have you not a mother and a friend who love you— he stopped—paused—and added with maternal with fraternal tenderness to whom would you go—remain with us your society will cheer my mothers declining years—again he hesitated—I am about to return to town assure me that you will continue with Mrs Harley—it will soften the pain of separation
I struggled for more fortitude—hinted at the narrowness of my fortune—at my wish to exert my talents in some way that should procure me a less dependent situation—spoke of my active spirit—of my abhorrence of a life of indolence and vacuity
He insisted on my waving these subjects for the present There would be time enough in future for their consideration In the mean while I might go on improving myself and whether present or absent might depend upon him for every assistance in his power
His soothing kindness aided by the affectionate attentions of my friend gradually lulled my mind into tranquillity My bosom was agitated only by a slight and sweet emotion—like the gentle undulations of the ocean when the winds that swept over its ruffled surface are hushed into repose
CHAPTER XXIV
Another month passed away—every hour I imbibed in large draughts the deceitful poison of hope A few days before that appointed for the departure of Augustus I received a visit from Mr Montague of whose situation during his confinement I had made many enquiries and it was with unaffected pleasure that I beheld him perfectly restored to health I introduced him to my friends who congratulated him upon his recovery and treated him with that polite and cordial hospitality which characterized them He was on his way to Morton Park and was particular in his enquiries respecting the late conduct of the lady of the mansion of which he had heard some confused reports I could not conceal from him our final separation but aware of his inflammable temper I endeavoured to soften my recital as far as was consistent with truth and justice It was with difficulty that our united persuasions induced him to restrain his fiery spirit which broke out into menaces and execrations I represented to him—
That every thing had been already explained that the affair had now subsided that a reconciliation was neither probable nor desirable that any interference on his part would only tend to mutual exasperation from which I must eventually be the sufferer
I extorted from him a promise—that as he was necessitated to meet Mr Morton on business he would make no allusions to the past—I should be mortified I added by having it supposed that I stood in need of a champion—Mr Morton had no doubts of the rectitude of my conduct and it would be barbarous to involve him in a perpetual domestic warfare
Mr Montague at the request of Augustus spent that day and the next with us I thought I perceived that he regarded Mr Harley with a scrutinizing eye and observed my respect for and attention to him with jealous apprehension Before his departure he requested half an hours conversation with me alone with which request I immediately complied and withdrew with him into an adjoining compartment He informed me—
That he was going to London to pursue his medical studies—that on his return his father had proposed to establish him in his profession—that his prospects were very favourable and that he should esteem himself completely happy if he might yet hope to soften my heart in his favour and to place me in a more assured and tranquil position
I breathed a heavy sigh and sunk into a melancholy reverie
Speak to me Emma said he with impatience and relieve the anxiety I suffer
Alas What can I say
Say that you will try to love me that you will reward my faith and perseverance
Would to God I could—I hesitated—my eyes filled with tears—Go to London resumed I a thousand new objects will there quickly obliterate from your remembrance a romantic and illfated attachment to which retirement and the want of other impression has given birth and which owes its strength merely to opposition
As that opposition retorted he is the offspring of pride and insensibility—
I looked at him with a mournful air—Do not reproach me Montague my situation is far more pitiable than yours I am indeed unhappy—added I after a pause I like you am the victim of a raised of I fear a distempered imagination
He eagerly entreated me to explain myself
I will not attempt to deceive you—I should accuse myself were I to preserve any sentiment however delicate its nature that might tend to remove your present illusion It is I confess with extreme reluctance—with real pain—I trembled—my voice faultered and I felt my colour vary—that I constrain myself to acknowledge a hopeless an extravagant—I stopped unable to proceed
Fire flashed from his eyes he started from his seat and took two or three hasty strides across the room
I understand you but too well—Augustus Harley shall dispute with me a prize—
Stop Sir be not unjust—make not an ungenerous return to the confidence I have reposed in you Respect the violence which on your account I have done to my own feelings I own that I have not been able to defend my heart against the accomplishments and high qualities of Mr Harley—I respected his virtues and attainments and by a too easy transition—at length—loved his person But my tenderness is a secret to all the world but yourself—It has not met with—a burning blush suffused my cheek—It has little hope of meeting a return To your honor I have confided this cherished secret—dare you betray my confidence I know you dare not
He seemed affected—his mind appeared torn by a variety of conflicting emotions that struggled for victory—he walked towards me and again to the door several times I approached him—I gave him my hand—
Adieu Montague said I in a softened accent—Be assured of my sympathy—of my esteem—of my best wishes When you can meet me with calmness I shall rejoice to see you—as a friend Amidst some excesses I perceive the seeds of real worth in your character cultivate them they may yield a noble harvest I shall not be forgetful of the distinction you have shewn me when almost a deserted orphan—Once again—farewel my friend and—may God bless you
I precipitately withdrew my hand from his and rushed out of the room I retired to my chamber and it was some hours before my spirits became sufficiently composed to allow me to rejoin my friends On meeting them Mrs Harley mentioned with some surprize the abrupt departure of Montague who had quitted the house without taking leave of its owners by whom he had been so politely received
He is a fine young man added she but appears to be very eccentric
Augustus was silent but fixed his penetrating eyes on my face with an expression that covered me with confusion
CHAPTER XXV
The day fixed for the departure of Mr Harley for London now drew near—I had anticipated this period with the most cruel inquietude I was going to lose perhaps for ever my preceptor my friend He from whom my mind had acquired knowledge and in whose presence my heart had rested satisfied I had hitherto scarcely formed a wish beyond that of daily beholding and listening to him—I was now to gaze on that beloved countenance to listen to those soothing accents no longer He was about to mix in the gay world—to lose in the hurry of business or of pleasure the remembrance of those tender rational tranquil moments sacred to virtue and friendship that had left an indelible impression on my heart Could I indeed flatter myself that the idea of the timid affectionate Emma would ever recur to his mind in the tumultuous scenes of the crouded metropolis it would doubtless quickly be effaced and lost in the multiplicity of engagements and avocations How should I buried in solitude and silence recall it to his recollection how contrive to mingle it with his thoughts and entangle it with his associations Ah did he but know my tenderness—the desire of being beloved of inspiring sympathy is congenial to the human heart—why should I hesitate to inform him of my affection—why do I blush and tremble at the mere idea It is a false shame It is a pernicious system of morals which teaches us that hypocrisy can be virtue He is well acquainted with the purity and with the sincerity of my heart—he will at least regard me with esteem and tender pity—and how often has pity melted the soul to love The experiment is surely innocent and little hazardous What I have to apprehend Can I distrust for a moment those principles of rectitude of honour of goodness which gave birth to my affection Have I not witnessed his humanity have I not experienced his delicacy in a thousand instances Though he should be obliged to wound he is incapable of insulting the heart that loves him and that loving him believed alas for a long time that it loved only virtue
The morning of our separation at last arrived My friend too much indisposed to attend the breakfast table took leave of her son in her own apartment I awaited him in the library with a beating heart and on his departure put into his hands a paper—
Read it not said I in a low and almost inarticulate tone of voice till arrived at the end of your journey or at least till you are ten miles from hence
He received it in silence but it was a silence more expressive than words
Suffer me it said for a few moments to solicit your candour and attention You are the only man in the world to whom I could venture to confide sentiments that to many would be inconceivable and by those who are unacquainted with the human mind and the variety of circumstances by which characters are variously impressed and formed—who are accustomed to consider mankind in masses—who have been used to bend implicitly to custom and prescription—the deviation of a solitary individual from rules sanctioned by usage by prejudice by expediency would be regarded as romantic I frankly avow while my cheeks glow with the blushes of modesty not of shame that your virtues and accomplishments have excited in my bosom an affection as pure as the motives which gave it birth and as animated as it is pure—This ingenuous avowal may perhaps affect but will scarcely I suspect surprise you for incapable of dissimulation the emotions of my mind are ever but too apparent in my expressions and in my conduct to deceive a less penetrating eye than yours—neither have I been solicitous to disguise them
It has been observed that the strength of an affection is generally in the same proportion as the character of the species, in the object beloved is lost in that of the individual,"5 and that individuality of character is the only fastener of the affections It is certain however singular it may appear that many months before we became personally acquainted the report of your worth and high qualities had generated in my mind an esteem and reverence which has gradually ripened into a tenderness that has at length mixed itself with all my associations and is become interwoven with every fibre of my heart
I have reflected again and again on the imprudence of cherishing an attachment which a variety of circumstances combine to render so unpromising and—What shall I say—So peculiar is the constitution of my mind that those very circumstances have had a tendency directly opposite to what might reasonably have been expected and have only served to render the sentiment I have delighted to foster more affecting and interesting—Yes I am aware of the tenure upon which you retain your fortunes—of the cruel and unnatural conditions imposed on you by the capricious testator neither can I require a sacrifice which I am unable to recompence But while these melancholy convictions deprive me of hope they encourage me by proving the disinterestedness of my attachment to relieve my heart by communication—Mine is a whimsical pride which dreads nothing so much as the imputation of sordid or sinister motives Remember then—should we never meet again—if in future periods you should find that the friendship of the world is—a shade that follows wealth and fame—if where you have conferred obligations you are repaid with ingratitude—where you have placed confidence with treachery—and where you have a claim to zeal with coldness Remember that you have once been beloved for yourself alone by one who in contributing to the comfort of your life would have found the happiness of her own
Is it possible that a mind like yours neither hardened by prosperity nor debased by fashionable levity—which vice has not corrupted nor ignorance brutalized—can be wholly insensible to the balmy sweetness which natural unsophisticated affections shed through the human heart
Shall those by heavens own influence joind
By feeling sympathy and mind
The sacred voice of truth deny
And mock the mandate of the sky
But I check my pen—I am no longer—
The hopeflushd enterer on the stage of life
The dreams of youth chaced by premature reflection have given place to soberer to sadder conclusions and while I acknowledge that it would be inexpressibly soothing to me to believe that in happier circumstances my artless affection might have awakened in your mind a sympathetic tenderness—this is the extent of my hopes—I recollect you once told me It was our duty to make our reason conquer the sensibility of our heart Yet why Is then apathy the perfection of our nature—and is not that nature refined and harmonized by the gentle and social affections The Being who gave to the mind its reason gave also to the heart its sensibility
I make no apologies for because I feel no consciousness of weakness An attachment sanctioned by nature reason and virtue ennoble the mind capable of conceiving and cherishing it of such an attachment a corrupt heart is utterly incapable
You may tell me perhaps that the portrait on which my fancy has dwelt enamoured owes all its graces its glowing colouring—like the ideal beauty of the ancient artists—to the imagination capable of sketching the dangerous picture—Allowing this for a moment the sentiments it inspires are not the less genuine and without some degree of illusion and enthusiasm all that refines exalts softens embellishes life—genius virtue love itself languishes But on this subject my opinions have not been lightly formed—it is not to the personal graces though the body charms because the mind is seen but to the virtues and talents of the individual for without intellect virtue is an empty name that my heart does homage and were I never again to behold you—were you even the husband of another—my tenderness a tenderness as innocent as it is lively would never cease
But methinks I hear you say—Whither does all this tend and what end does it propose Alas this is a question I scarcely dare to ask myself—Yet allow me to request that you will make me one promise and resolve me one question—ah do not evade this enquiry for much it imports me to have an explicit reply lest in indulging my own feelings I should unconsciously plant a thorn in the bosom of another—Is your heart at present free Or should you in future form a tender engagement tell me that I shall receive the first intimation of it from yourself and in the assurance of your happiness I will learn to forget my own
I aspire to no higher title than that of the most faithful of your friends and the wish of becoming worthy of your esteem and confidence shall afford me a motive for improvement I will learn of you moderation equanimity and selfcommand and you will perhaps continue to afford me direction and assistance in the pursuit of knowledge and truth
I have laid down my pen again and again and still taken it up to add something more from an anxiety lest even you of whose delicacy I have experienced repeated proofs should misconstrue me—Oh what a world is this—into what false habits has it fallen Can hypocrisy be virtue Can a desire to call forth all the best affections of the heart be misconstrued into something too degrading for expression6 But I will banish these apprehensions I am convinced they are injurious
Yes—I repeat it—I relinquish my pen with reluctance A melancholy satisfaction from what source I can scarcely define diffuses itself through my heart while I unfold to you its emotions—Write to me be ingenuous I desire I call for truth
Emma
5 Wolstonecrafts Rights of Woman
6 Holcrofts Anna St Ives
CHAPTER XXVI
I had not courage to make my friend a confident of the step I had taken so wild and so romantic did it appear even to myself—a false pride a false shame withheld me I brooded in silence over the sentiment that preyed on the bosom which cherished it Every morning dawned with expectation and every evening closed in disappointment I walked daily to the postoffice with precipitate steps and a throbbing heart to enquire for letters but in vain and returned slow dejected spiritless Hope one hour animated my bosom and flushed my cheek the next pale despair shed its torpid influence through my languid frame Inquietude at length gradually gave place to despondency and I sunk into lassitude
My studies no longer afforded me any pleasure I turned over my books incapable of fixing my attention took out my drawings threw them aside moved restless and dissatisfied from seat to seat sought with unconscious steps the library and throwing myself on the sopha with folded arms fixed my eyes on the picture of Augustus which had lately been replaced and sunk into waking dreams of ideal perfection and visionary bliss I gazed on the lifeless features engraven on my heart in colours yet more true and vivid—but where was the benignant smile the intelligent glance the varying expression Where the pleasant voice whose accents had been melody in my ear that had cheered me in sadness dispelled the vapours of distrust and melancholy and awakened my emulation for science and improvement Starting from a train of poignant and distressing emotions I fled from an apartment once so dear presenting now but the ghosts of departed pleasures—fled into the woods and buried myself in their deepest recesses or shutting myself in my chamber avoided the sight of my friend whose dejected countenance but the more forcibly reminded me—
That such things were and were most dear
In this state of mind looking one day over my papers without any known end in view I accidentally opened a letter from Mr Francis with whom I still continued occasionally to correspond which I had recently received I eagerly seized and reperused it My spirits were weakened the kindness which it expressed affected me—it touched my heart—it excited my tears I determined instantly to reply to it and to acknowledge my sense of his goodness
My mind was overwhelmed with the pressure of its own thoughts a gleam of joy darted through the thick mists that pervaded it communication would relieve the burthen I took up my pen and though I dared not betray the fatal secret concealed as a sacred treasure in the bottom of my heart I yet gave a loose to I endeavoured to paint its sensations
After briefly sketching the events that had driven me from Morton Park of which I had not hitherto judged it necessary to inform him without hinting the name of my deliverer or suffering myself to dwell on the services he had rendered me I mentioned my present temporary residence at the house of a friend and expressed an impatience at my solitary inactive situation
I went on—
To what purpose should I trouble you with a thousand wayward contradictory ideas and emotions that I am myself unable to disentangle—which have perhaps floated in every mind that has had leisure for reflection—which are distinguished by no originality and which I may express though not feel without force I sought to cultivate my understanding and exercise my reason that by adding variety to my resources I might increase the number of my enjoyments for happiness is surely the only desirable end of existence But when I ask myself Whether I am yet nearer to the end proposed—I dare not deceive myself—sincerity obliges me to answer in the negative. I daily perceive the gay and the frivolous among my sex amused with every passing trifle gratified by the insipid routine of heartless mindless intercourse fully occupied alternately by domestic employment or the childish vanity of varying external ornaments and hanging drapery on a smooth block I do not affect to despise and I regularly practise the necessary avocations of my sex neither am I superior to their vanities The habits acquired by early precept and example adhere tenaciously and are never perhaps entirely eradicated But all these are insufficient to engross to satisfy the active aspiring mind Hemmed in on every side by the constitutions of society and not less so it may be by my own prejudices—I perceive indignantly perceive the magic circle without knowing how to dissolve the powerful spell While men pursue interest honor pleasure as accords with their several dispositions women who have too much delicacy sense and spirit to degrade themselves by the vilest of all interchanges remain insulated beings and must be content tamely to look on without taking any part in the great though often absurd and tragical drama of life Hence the eccentricities of conduct with which women of superior minds have been accused—the struggles the despairing though generous struggles of an ardent spirit denied a scope for its exertions The strong feelings and strong energies which properly directed in a field sufficiently wide might—ah what might they not have aided forced back and pent up ravage and destroy the mind which gave them birth
Yes I confess I am unhappy unhappy in proportion as I believe myself it may be erringly improved Philosophy it is said should regulate the feelings but it has added fervor to mine What are passions but another name for powers The mind capable of receiving the most forcible impressions is the sublimely improveable mind Yet into whatever trains such minds are accidentally directed they are prone to enthusiasm while the vulgar stupidly wonder at the effects of powers to them wholly inconceivable the weak and the timid easily discouraged are induced by the first failure to relinquish their pursuits They make the impossibility they fear But the bold and the persevering from repeated disappointment derive only new ardor and activity They conquer difficulties by daring to attempt them
I feel that I am writing in a desultory manner that I am unable to crowd my ideas into the compass of a letter and that could I do so I should perhaps only weary you There are but few persons to whom I would venture to complain few would understand and still fewer sympathise with me You are in health they would say in the spring of life have every thing supplied you without labour so much the worse nature reason open to you their treasures All this is partly true—but with inexpressible yearnings my soul pants for something more something higher The morning rises upon me with sadness and the evening closes with disgust—Imperfection uncertainty is impressed on every object on every pursuit I am either restless or torpid I seek today what tomorrow wearies and offends me
I entered life flushed with hope—I have proceeded but a few steps and the parterre of roses viewed in distant prospect nearer seen proves a brake of thorns The few worthy persons I have known appear to me to be struggling with the same half suppressed emotions—Whence is all this Why is intellect and virtue so far from conferring happiness Why is the active mind a prey to the incessant conflict between truth and error Shall I look beyond the disorders which here appear to me so inexplicable—shall I expect shall I demand from the inscrutable Being to whom I owe my existence in future unconceived periods the end of which I believe myself capable and which capacity like a tormenting ignis fatuus has hitherto served only to torture and betray The animal rises up to satisfy the cravings of nature, and lies down to repose undisturbed by care—has man superior powers only to make him preeminently wretched—wretched it seems to me in proportion as he rises Assist me in disentangling my bewildered ideas—write to me—reprove me—spare me not
Emma
To this letter I quickly received a kind and consolatory reply though not unmingled with the reproof I called for It afforded me but a temporary relief and I once more sunk into inanity my faculties rusted for want of exercise my reason grew feeble and my imagination morbid
CHAPTER XXVII
A pacquet of letters at length arrived from London—Mrs Harley with a look that seemed to search the soul put one into my hands—The superscription bore the well known characters—yes it was from Augustus and addressed to Emma—I ran with it into my chamber locked myself in tore it almost asunder with a tremulous hand perused its contents with avidity—scarce daring to respire—I reperused it again and again
I had trusted my confessions it said to one who had made the human heart his study who could not be affected by them improperly It spoke of the illusions of the passions—of the false and flattering medium through which they presented objects to our view He had answered my letter earlier had it not involved him in too many thoughts to do it with ease There was a great part of it to which he knew not how to reply—perhaps on some subjects it was not necessary to be explicit And now it may be he had better be silent—he was dissatisfied with what he had written but were he to write again he doubted if he should please himself any better—He was highly flattered by the favourable opinion I entertained of him it was a grateful proof not of his merit but of the warmth of my friendship c c
This letter appeared to me vague obscure enigmatical Unsatisfied disappointed I felt I had little to hope—and yet had no distinct ground of fear I brooded over it I tortured its meaning into a hundred forms—I spake of it to my friend but in general terms in which she seemed to acquiesce she appeared to have made a determination not to enquire after what I was unwilling to disclose she wholly confided both in my principles and in those of her son I was wounded by what entangled in prejudice I conceived to be a necessity for this reserve
Again I addressed the man whose image in the absence of all other impressions I had suffered to gain in my mind this dangerous ascendency
TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY
I once more take up my pen with a mind so full of thought that I foresee I am about to trespass on your time and patience—yet perhaps to one who makes the human heart his study it may not be wholly uninteresting to trace a faithful delineation of the emotions and sentiments of an ingenuous uncorrupted mind—a mind formed by solitude and habits of reflection to some strength of character
If to have been more guarded and reserved would have been more discreet I have already forfeited all claim to this discretion—to affect it now would be vain and by pursuing a middle course I should resign the only advantage I may ever derive from my sincerity the advantage of expressing my thoughts and feelings with freedom
The conduct which I have been led to adopt has been the result of a combination of peculiar circumstances and is not what I would recommend to general imitation—To say nothing of the hazards it might involve I am aware generally speaking arguments might be adduced to prove that certain customs of which I yet think there is reason to complain may not have been unfounded in nature—I am led to speak thus because I am not willing to spare myself but would alledge all which you might have felt inclined to hint had you not been withheld by motives of delicate consideration
Of what then you may ask do I complain—Not of the laws of nature! But when mind has given dignity to natural affections when reason culture taste and delicacy have combined to chasten to refine to exalt shall I say to sanctity them—Is there then no cause to complain of rigor and severity that such minds must either passively submit to a vile traffic or be content to relinquish all the endearing sympathies of life Nature has formed woman peculiarly susceptible of the tender affections The voice of nature is too strong to be silenced by artificial precepts To feel these affections in a supreme degree a mind enriched by literature and expanded by fancy and reflection is necessary—for it is intellect and imagination only that can give energy and interest to—
The thousand soft sensations—
Which vulgar souls want faculties to taste
Who take their good and evil in the gross
I wish we were in the vehicular state and that you understood the sentient language7 you might then comprehend the whole of what I mean to express but find too delicate for words But I do you injustice
If the affections are indeed generated by sympathy where the principles, pursuits and habits are congenial—where the end sought to be attained is—
Something than beauty dearer
You may perhaps agree with me that it is almost indifferent on which side the sentiment originates Yet I confess my frankness has involved me in many after thoughts and inquietudes inquietudes which all my reasoning is at times insufficient to allay The shame of being singular it has been justly observed8 requires strong principles and much native firmness of temper to surmount—Those who deviate from the beaten track must expect to be entangled in the thicket and wounded by many a thorn—my wandering feet have already been deeply pierced
I should vainly attempt to describe the struggles the solicitudes the doubts the apprehensions that alternately rend my heart I feel that I have put to sea upon a shattered plank and placed my trust in miracles for safety I dread one moment lest in attempting to awaken your tenderness I may have forfeited your respect the next that I have mistaken a delusive meteor for the sober light of reason. In retirement numberless contradictory emotions revolve in my disturbed mind—in company I start and shudder from accidental allusions in which no one but myself could trace any application The end of doubt is the beginning of repose Say then to me that it is a principle in human nature however ungenerous to esteem lightly what may be attained without difficulty—Tell me to make distinctions between love and friendship of which I have hitherto been able to form no idea—Say that the former is the caprice of fancy founded on external graces to which I have little pretension and that it is vain to pretend that—
Truth and good are one
And beauty dwells with them
Tell me that I have indulged too long the wild and extravagant chimeras of a romantic imagination Let us walk together into the palace of Truth where it is fancifully related by an ingenious writer9 that every one was compelled by an irresistible controuling power to reveal his inmost sentiments All this I will bear and will still respect your integrity and confide in your principles but I can no longer sustain a suspense that preys upon my spirits It is not the Book of Fate—it is your mind only I desire to read A sickly apprehension overspreads my heart—I pause here unable to proceed
Emma
7 See Light of Nature pursued An entertaining philosophical work
8 Aikins Letters
9 Madame de Genliss Tales of the Castle
CHAPTER XXVIII
Week after week month after month passed away in the anguish of vain expectation my letter was not answered and I again sunk into despondency—Winter drew near I shuddered at the approach of this dreary and desolate season when I was roused by the receipt of a letter from one of the daughters of the maternal aunt under whose care I had spent the happy thoughtless days of childhood My cousin informed me—
That she had married an officer in the East India service that soon after their union he was ordered abroad and stationed in Bengal for three years during which period she was to remain in a commodious and pleasant house situated in the vicinity of the metropolis She had been informed of my removal from Morton Park and had no doubt but I should be able to give a satisfactory account of the occasion of that removal She purposed during the absence of her husband to let out a part of her house and should I not be fixed in my present residence would be happy to accommodate me with an apartment on terms that should be rather dictated by friendship than interest She also hinted that a neighbouring lady of respectable character would be glad to avail herself of the occasional assistance of an accomplished woman in the education of her daughters that she had mentioned me to her in advantageous terms conceiving that I should have no objection by such a means to exercise my talents to render myself useful and to augment my small income
This intelligence filled me with delight the idea of change of exertion of new scenes—shall I add of breathing the same air with Augustus rushed tumultuously through my imagination Flying eagerly to my friend to impart these tidings I was not aware of the ungrateful and inconsiderate appearance which these exultations must give me in her eyes till I perceived the starting tear—It touched it electrified my heart and throwing myself into her arms I caught the soft contagion and wept aloud
Go Emma—my daughter said this excellent woman I banish the selfish regret that would prompt me to detain you I perceive this solitude is destructive to thy ardent mind Go vary your impressions and expand your sensations gladden me only from time to time with an account of your progress and welfare
I had but little preparation to make I canvassed over with my friend a thousand plans and formed as many expectations and conjectures but they all secretly tended to one point and concentrated in one object I gave my cousin notice that I should be with her in a few days—settled a future correspondence with my friend—embraced her at parting with unfeigned and tender sorrow—and placing myself in a stagecoach that passed daily through the village took the road once more with a fluttering heart to London We travelled all night—it was cold and dreary—but my fancy was busied with various images and my bosom throbbing with lively though indistinct sensations
The next day at noon I arrived without accident at the residence of my relation Mrs Denbeigh She received me with unaffected cordiality our former amity was renewed we spent the evening together recalling past scenes and on retiring I was shewn into a neat chamber which had been prepared for me with a light closet adjoining The next day I was introduced to the lady mentioned to me by my kind hostess and agreed to devote three mornings in the week to the instruction of the young ladies her daughters in various branches of education
Memoirs of
Emma Courtney
VOLUME II
TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY
My friend my son it is for your benefit that I have determined on reviewing the sentiments and the incidents of my past life Cold declamation can avail but little towards the reformation of our errors It is by tracing by developing the passions in the minds of others tracing them from the seeds by which they have been generated through all their extended consequences that we learn the more effectually to regulate and to subdue our own
I repeat it will cost me some pain to be ingenuous in the recital which I have pledged myself to give you even in the moment when I resume my pen prejudice continues to struggle with principle and I feel an inclination to retract While unfolding a series of error and mortification I tremble lest in warning you to shun the rocks and quicksands amidst which my little bark has foundered I should forfeit your respect and esteem the pride and the comfort of my declining years But you are deeply interested in my narrative you tell me and you entreat me to proceed
CHAPTER I
Change of scene regular employment attention to my pupils and the conscious pride of independence afforded a temporary relief to my spirits My first care on my arrival in town was to gladden the mind of my dear benefactress by a minute detail of the present comforts and occupations
She had charged me with affectionate remembrance and letters to her son I enclosed these letters and after informing him in the cover of the change of my situation and the incident which had occasioned it complained of the silence he had observed towards my last letter
—If said I from having observed the social and sympathetic nature of our feelings and affections I suffered myself to yield involuntarily to the soothing idea that the ingenuous avowal of an attachment so tender so sincere so artless as mine could not have been unaffecting to a mind with which my own proudly claimed kindred—if I fondly believed that simplicity modesty truth—the eye beaming with sensibility the cheek mantling with the glow of affection the features softened the accents modulated by ineffable tenderness might in the eyes of a virtuous man have supplied the place of more dazzling accomplishments and more seductive charms if I overrated my own merit and my own powers—surely my mistakes were sufficiently humiliating You should not indeed you should not have obliged me to arrive at the conviction through a series of deductions so full of mortification and anguish You are too well acquainted with the human heart not to be sensible that no certainty can equal the misery of conjecture in a mind of ardour—the agonizing images which suspense forces upon the tender and sensible heart You should have written in pity to the situation of my mind I would have thanked you for being ingenuous even though like Hamlet you had spoke daggers I expected it from your character and I had a claim to your sincerity
But it is past—the vision is dissolved The barbed arrow is not extracted with more pain than the enchantments of hope from the ardent and sanguine spirit But why am I to lose your friendship My heart tells me I have not deserved this Do not suspect that I have so little justice or so little magnanimity as to refuse you the privilege the enviable privilege of being master of your own affections I am unhappy I confess the principal charm of my life is fled and the hopes that should enliven future prospects are faint melancholy too often obscures reason and a heart perhaps too tender preys on itself
I suspect I had formed some vain and extravagant expectations I could have loved you had you permitted it with no mean nor common attachment—My words my looks my actions betrayed me ere I suffered my feelings to dictate to my pen Would to God I had buried this fatal secret in the bottom of my soul But repentance is now too late Yet the sensible heart yearns to disclose itself—and to whom can it confide its sentiments with equal propriety as to him who will know how to pity the errors of which he feels himself however involuntarily the cause The world might think my choice in a confident singular it has been my misfortune seldom to think with the world and I ought perhaps patiently to submit to the inconveniences to which this singularity has exposed me
I know not how without doing myself a painful violence to relinquish your society and why let me again ask should I I now desire only that repose which is the end of doubt and this I think I should regain by one hours frank conversation with you I would compose myself listen to you and yield to the sovereignty of reason. After such an interview my mind—no longer harrassed by vague suspicion by a thousand nameless apprehensions and inquietudes—should struggle to subdue itself—at least I would not permit it to dictate to my pen not to bewilder my conduct I am exhausted by perturbation I ask only certainty and rest
Emma
A few days after I had written the preceding letter Mr Harley called on me Mrs Denbeigh was with me on his entrance I would have given worlds to have received him alone but had not courage to hint this to my relation Overwhelmed by a variety of emotions I was unable for some time to make any reply to his friendly enquiries after my health and congratulations on my amended prospects My confusion and embarrassment were but too apparent perceiving my distress he kindly contrived to engage my hostess in discourse that I might have time to rally my spirits By degrees I commanded myself sufficiently to join in the conversation—I spoke to him of his mother expressed the lively sense I felt of her goodness and my unaffected regret at parting with her Animated by my subject and encouraged by the delicacy of Augustus I became more assured we retraced the amusements and studies of H——shire and two hours passed delightfully and insensibly away when Mrs Denbeigh was called out of the room to speak to a person who brought her letters and intelligence from the India House Mr Harley rising at the same time from his seat seemed about to depart but hesitating stood a few moments as if irresolute
You leave me said I in a low and tremulous tone and you leave me still in suspense
Could you replied he visibly affected but have seen me on the receipt of your last letter you would have perceived that my feelings were not enviable—Your affecting expostulation added to other circumstances of a vexatious nature oppressed my spirits with a burthen more than they were able to sustain
He resumed his seat spoke of his situation of the tenure on which he held his fortune—I am neither a stoic nor a philosopher added he—I knew not how—I could not answer your letter What shall I say—I am withheld from explaining myself further by reasons—obligations—Who can look back on every action of his past life with approbation Mine has not been free from error I am distressed perplexed—Insuperable obstacles forbid what otherwise—
I feel said I interrupting him that I am the victim of my own weakness and vanity—I feel that I have been rushing headlong into the misery which you kindly sought to spare me—I am sensible of your delicacy—of your humanity—And is it with the full impression of your virtues on my heart that I must teach that heart to renounce you—renounce for ever the man with whose pure and elevated mind my own panted to mingle My reason has been blinded by the illusions of my selflove—and while I severely suffer I own my sufferings just—yet the sentiments you inspired were worthy of you I understand little of—I have violated common forms—seeking your tenderness I have perhaps forfeited your esteem
Far very far from it—I would but cannot say more
Must we then separate for ever—will you no longer assist me in the pursuit of knowledge and truth—will you no more point out to me the books I should read and aid me in forming a just judgment of the principles they contain—Must all your lessons be at an end—all my studies be resigned How without your counsel and example shall I regain my strength of mind—to what end shall I seek to improve myself when I dare no longer hope to be worthy of him—
A flood of tears checked my utterance hiding my face with my hands I gave way to the kindly relief but for which my heart had broken I heard footsteps in the passage and the voice of Mrs Denbeigh as speaking to her servant—covered with shame and grief I dared not in this situation appear before her but rushing out at an opposite door hid myself in my chamber A train of confused recollections tortured my mind I concluded that Augustus had another a prior attachment I felt with this conviction that I had not the fortitude and that perhaps I ought not to see him again I wrote to him under this impression I poured out my soul in anguish in sympathy in fervent aspirations for his happiness These painful and protracted conflicts affected my health a deep and habitual depression preyed upon my spirits and surveying every object through the medium of a distempered imagination I grew disgusted with life
CHAPTER II
I began at length to think that I had been too precipitate and too severe to myself—Why was I to sacrifice a friend from whose conversation I had derived improvement and pleasure I repeated this question to myself again and again and I blushed and repented But I deceived myself I had too frequently acted with precipitation I determined now to be more prudent—I waited three months fortified my mind with many reflections and resumed my pen—
TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY
Near three months have elapsed since I last addressed you I remind you of this not merely to suppress as it arises any apprehension which you may entertain of further embarrassment or importunity for I can no longer afflict myself with the idea that my peace or welfare are indifferent to you but will rather adopt the sentiment of Plato—who on being informed that one of his disciples whom he had more particularly distinguished had spoken ill of him replied to the slanderer—I do not believe you for it is impossible that I should not be esteemed by one whom I so sincerely regard
My motive for calling to your remembrance the date of my last is that you should consider what I am now about to say as the result of calmer reflection the decision of judgment after having allowed the passions leisure to subside It is perhaps unnecessary to premise that I am not urged on by pride from an obscure consciousness of having been betrayed into indiscretion to endeavour to explain away or to extenuate any part of my former expressions or conduct To a mind like yours such an attempt would be impertinent from one like mine I hope superfluous I am not ashamed of being a human being nor blush to own myself liable to the shakes and agues of his fragile nature I have ever spoken and acted from the genuine dictates of a mind swayed at the time by its own views and propensities nor have I hesitated as those views and propensities have changed to avow my further convictions—Let not the coldly wise exult that their heads were never led astray by their hearts I have all along used and shall continue to use the unequivocal language of sincerity
However romantic a vague term applied to every thing we do not understand or are unwilling to intimate my views and sentiments might appear to many I dread not from you this frigid censure The ideas, the associations the circumstances of each man are properly his own and it is a pernicious system that would lead us to require all men however different their circumstances to act in many of the common affairs of life by a precise general rule10 The genuine effusions of the heart and mind are easily distinguished by the penetrating eye from the vain ostentation of sentiment lip deep which causing no emotion communicates none—Oh how unlike the energetic sympathies of truth and feeling—darting from mind to mind enlightening warming with electrical rapidity
My ideas have undergone in the last three months many fluctuations My affection for you why should I seek for vague inexpressive phrases has not ceased has not diminished but it has in some measure changed its nature It was originally generated by the report and cemented by the knowledge of your virtues and talents and to virtue and talents my mind had ever paid unfeigned enthusiastic homage It is somewhere said by Rousseau—That there may exist such a suitability of moral mental and personal qualifications as should point out the propriety of an union between a prince and the daughter of an executioner Vain girl that I was I flattered myself that between us this sympathy really existed I dwelt on the union between mind and mind—sentiments of nature gently insinuated themselves—my sensibility grew more tender more affecting—and my imagination ever lively traced the glowing picture and dipped the pencil in rainbow tints Possessing one of those determined spirits that is not easily induced to relinquish its purposes—while I conceived that I had only your pride or your insensibility to combat I wildly determined to persevere—A further recapitulation would perhaps be unnecessary—my situation alas is now changed
Having then examined my heart attentively and deliberately I suspect that I have been unjust to myself in supposing it incapable of a disinterested attachment—Why am I to deprive you of a faithful friend and myself of all the benefits I may yet derive from your conversation and kind offices I ask why And I should indeed have cause to blush if after having had time for reflection I could really think this necessary Shall I then sign the unjust decree that women are incapable of energy and fortitude Have I exercised my understanding without ever intending to apply my principles to practice Do I mean always to deplore the prejudices which have, systematically weakened the female character without making any effort to rise above them Is the example you have given me of a steady adherence to honour and principle to be merely respected without exciting in my bosom any emulation Dare I to answer these questions in the affirmative and still ask your esteem—the esteem of the wise and good—I dare not No longer weakened by alternate hopes and fears like the reed yielding to every breeze I believe myself capable of acting upon firmer principles and I request with confidence the restoration of your friendship Should I afterwards find that I have overrated my own strength I will frankly tell you so and expect from your humanity those allowances which are but a poor substitute for respect
Believe then my views and motives to be simply such as I state them at least such after severely scrutinizing my heart they appear to myself and reply to me with similar ingenuousness My expectations are very moderate answer me with simplicity—my very soul sickens at evasion You have undoubtedly a right to judge and to determine for yourself but it will be but just to state to me the reasons for and the result of that judgment in which case if I cannot obviate those reasons I shall be bound however reluctantly to acquiesce in them Be assured I will never complain of any consequences which may ensue even from the utterance of all truth
Emma
10 Godwins Political Justice
CHAPTER III
This letter was succeeded by a renewal of our intercourse and studies Mrs Denbeigh my kind hostess was usually of our parties We read together or conversed only on general topics or upon subjects of literature I was introduced by Mr Harley to several respectable families friends of his own and of his mothers I made many indirect enquiries of our common acquaintance with a view to discover the supposed object of my friends attachment but without success All that he had himself said respecting such an engagement had been so vague that I began to doubt of the reality of its existence.—When in any subsequent letters for we continued occasionally to correspond I ventured to allude to the subject I was warned not to confound my own conceptions with real existences When he spoke of a susceptibility to the tender affections it was always in the past time—I have felt—I have been—Once he wrote—His situation had been rendered difficult by a combination of peculiar circumstances circumstances with which but few persons were acquainted Sometimes he would affect to reflect upon his past conduct and warn me against appreciating him too highly In fine he was a perfect enigma and every thing which he said or wrote tended to increase the mystery
A restless an insatiable curiosity devoured me heightened by feelings that every hour became more imperious more uncontroulable I proposed to myself in the gratification of this curiosity a satisfaction that should compensate for all the injuries I might suffer in the career This inquietude prevented my mind from resting and by leaving room for conjecture left room for the illusions of fancy and of hope Had I never expressed this he might have affected ignorance of my sensations he might have pleaded guiltless when in the agony of my soul I accused him of having sacrificed my peace to his disingenuousness—but vain were all my expostulations
If said I I have sought too earnestly to learn the state of your affections it has been with a view to the more effectually disciplining of my own—of stifling every ignis fatuus of false hope that making even impossibilities possible will still at times continue to mislead me Objects seen through obscurity imperfectly discerned allow to the fancy but too free a scope the mind grows debilitated by brooding over its apprehensions and those apprehensions whether real or imaginary are carried with accumulated pain to the heart I have said on this subject you have a right to be free but I am now doubtful of this right the health of my mind being involved in the question has rendered it a question of utility—and on what other basis can morals rest
I frequently reiterated these reasonings always with encreased fervor and earnestness represented—that every step I took in advance would be miles in return—every minute that the blow was suspended prepared it to descend with accumulated force I required no particulars but merely requested to be assured of a present existing engagement I continued from time to time to urge this subject
Much said I as I esteem you and deeply as a thousand associations have fixed your idea in my heart—in true candour of soul I yet feel myself your superior—I recollect a sentiment of Richardsons Clarissa that always pleased me and that may afford a test by which each of us may judge of the integrity of our own minds—I should be glad that you and all the world knew my heart let my enemies sit in judgment upon my actions fairly scanned I fear not the result Let them ask me my most secret thoughts and whether they make for me or against me I will reveal them
This is the principle, my friend upon which I have acted towards you I have said many things I doubt not which make against me but I trusted them to one who told me that he had made the human heart his study and it is only in compliance with the prejudices of others if I have taken any pains to conceal all I have thought and felt on this or on any other subject from the rest of the world Had I not in the wild career of fervent feeling had sufficient strength of mind to stop short and to reason calmly how often in the bitterness of my spirit should I have accused you of sporting with my feelings by involving me in a hopeless maze of conjecture—by leaving me a prey to the constant oppressive apprehension of hearing something which I should not have had the fortitude to support with dignity which in proportion as it is delayed still contributes to harrass to weaken to incapacitate my mind from bearing its disclosure
I know you might reply—and more than ninetenths of the world would justify you in this reply—That you had already said what ought to have been sufficient and would have been so to any other human being—that you had not sought the confidence I boast of having reposed in you—and that so far from affording you any satisfaction it has occasioned you only perplexity If my own destiny was not equivocal of what importance could it be to me and what right had I to enquire after circumstances in which however affecting I could have no real concern
You may think all this perhaps—I will not spare myself—and it may be reasonable But could you say it—and have you indeed studied the human heart—have you indeed ever felt the affections—Whatever may be the event—and it is in the mind of powers only that passions are likely to become fatal—and however irreproachable every other part of your conduct may have been I shall here always say you were culpable
I changed my style
I know not said I the nature of those stern duties which oblige you to withhold from me your tenderness neither do I any longer enquire I dread only lest I should acquire this knowledge when I am the least able to support it Ignorant then of any reasons which should prevent me from giving up my heart to an attachment now become interwoven with my existence I yield myself up to these sweet and affecting emotions so necessary to my disposition—to which apathy is abhorrent The affections truly says Sterne must be exercised on something for not to love is to be miserable Were I in a desart I would find out wherewith in it to call forth my affections If I could do no better I would fasten them upon some sweet myrtle or seek some melancholy cypress to connect myself to—I would court their shade and greet them kindly for their protection I would cut my name upon them and swear they were the loveliest trees throughout the desart If their leaves withered I would teach myself to mourn and when they rejoiced I would rejoice with them
An attachment founded upon a full conviction of worth must be both safe and salutary My mind has not sufficient strength to form an abstract idea of perfection I have ever found it stimulated improved advanced by its affections I will then continue to love you with fervor and purity I will see you with joy part from you with regret grieve in your griefs enter with zeal into your concerns interest myself in your honour and welfare and endeavour with all my little power to contribute to your comfort and satisfaction—Is your heart so differently constituted from every other human heart that an affection thus ardent and sincere excites in it no grateful and soothing emotions Why then withdraw yourself from me and by that means afflict and sink into despondency a mind that entrusts its peace to your keeping
Emma
We met the next day at the house of a common friend My accents involuntarily were softened my attentions pointed—Manifestly agitated embarrassed even distressed Augustus quitted the company at an early hour
It would be endless to enumerate all the little incidents that occurred which however trifling they might appear in the recital continued to operate in one direction Many letters passed to the same purport My curiosity was a consuming passion but this inflexible impenetrable man was still silent or alternately evaded and resented my enquiries We continued occasionally to meet but generally in company
CHAPTER IV
During the ensuing summer Mr Harley proposed making a visit to his mother and calling to take his leave of me on the evening preceding his journey accidentally found me alone—We entered into conversation on various subjects twilight stole upon us unperceived The obscure light inspired me with courage I ventured to resume a subject so often discussed I complained gently of his reserve
Could I suppose he asked that he had been without his share of suffering
I replied something I scarce know what adverting to his stronger mind
Strength said he turning from me with emotion rather say weakness
I reiterated the important the so often proposed enquiry—Had he or had he not a present existing engagement
He endeavoured to evade my question—I repeated it—He answered with a degree of impatience I cannot tell you if I could do you think I would have been silent so long—as once before he spoke of the circumstances of his past life as being of a singular a peculiar nature
At our separation I asked if he would write to me during his absence Certainly he would The next morning having some little commissions to execute for Mrs Harley I sent them accompanied by a few lines to her son
Why is it said I that our sagacity and penetration frequently desert us on the most interesting occasions I can read any mind with greater facility than I can read yours and yet what other have I so attentively studied This is a problem I know not how to solve One conclusion will force itself upon me—if a mistaken one whom have you to blame—That an honourable suitable engagement could have given no occasion for mystery I added I should depend on hearing from him according to his promise
Week after week month after month wore away and no letter arrived Perturbation was succeeded by anxiety and apprehension but hearing through my maternal friend Mrs Harley of the welfare of this object of our too tender cares my solicitude subsided into despondency The pressure of one corroding train of ideas preyed like a cankerworm upon my heart and destroyed all its tranquillity
In the beginning of the winter this mysterious inexplicable being again returned to town I had undertaken a little business to serve him during his absence—I transmitted to him an account of my proceedings subjoining a gentle reproach for his unkind silence
You promised you would write to me said I during your residence in ——shire I therefore depended upon hearing from you and yet I was disappointed You should not indeed you should not make these experiments upon my mind My sensibility originally acute from having been too much exercised has become nearly morbid and has almost unfitted me for an inhabitant of this world I am willing to believe that your conduct towards me has originated in good motives nevertheless you have made some sad mistakes—you have deeply though undesignedly wounded me I have been harrassed distressed mortified You know not neither will I attempt to describe all I have suffered language would be inadequate to paint the struggles of a delicate susceptible mind in some peculiar and interesting situations
You may suspect me of wanting resolution but strong persevering affections are no mark of a weak mind To have been the wife of a man of virtue and talents was my dearest ambition and would have been my glory I judged myself worthy of the confidence and affection of such a man—I felt that I could have united in his pursuits and shared his principles—aided the virtuous energies of his mind and assured his domestic comforts I earnestly sought to inspire you with tenderness from the conviction that I could contribute to your happiness and to the worth of your character And if from innumerable associations I at length loved your person it was the magnanimity of your conduct it was your virtues that first excited my admiration and esteem But you have rejected an attachment originating in the highest the purest principles—you have thrown from you a heart of exquisite sensibility and you leave me in doubt whether you have not sacrificed that heart to prejudice Yet contemned affection has excited in my mind no resentment true tenderness is made up of gentle and amiable emotions nothing hostile nothing severe can mix with it it may gradually subside but it will continue to soften the mind it has once subdued
I see much to respect in your conduct and though it is probable some parts of it may have originated in mistaken principles I trust that their source was pure I also have made many mistakes—have been guilty of many extravagances Yet distrust the morality that sternly commands you to pierce the bosom that most reveres you and then to call it virtue—Yes distrust and suspect its origin I concluded with expressing a wish to see him—merely as a friend—requesting a line in reply
He wrote not but came unexpectedly came the next evening I expressed in lively terms the pleasure I felt in seeing him We conversed on various subjects he spoke affectionately of his mother and of the tender interest she had expressed for my welfare He enquired after my pursuits and acquirements during his absence commending the progress I had made Just before he quitted me he adverted to the reproach I had made him for not having written to me according to his engagement
Recollect said he in the last letter I received from you before I left London you hinted some suspicions— I looked at him and what added he could I reply
I was disconcerted I changed colour and had no power to pursue the subject
CHAPTER V
From this period he continued to visit me I confess at my solicitation more frequently We occasionally resumed our scientific pursuits read together or entered into discussion on various topics At length he grew captious disputatious gloomy and imperious—the more I studied to please him the less I succeeded He disapproved my conduct my opinions my sentiments my frankness offended him This change considerably affected me In company his manners were studiously cold and distant in private capricious yet reserved and guarded He seemed to overlook all my efforts to please and with a severe and penetrating eye to search only for my errors—errors into which I was but too easily betrayed by the painful and delicate situation in which I had placed myself
We one day accompanied Mrs Denbeigh on a visit of congratulation to her brother eldest son of my deceased uncle Mr Melmoth who had when a youth been placed by his father in a commercial house in the West Indies and who had just returned to his native country with an ample fortune His sister and myself anticipated the pleasure of renewing our early fraternal affection and intimacy while I felt a secret pride in introducing to his acquaintance a man so accomplished and respectable as Mr Harley We were little aware of the changes which time and different situations produce on the character and with hearts and minds full of the frank lively affectionate youth from whom we had parted seven years since with mutual tears and embraces shrunk spontaneously on our arrival at Mr Melmoths elegant house in Bedford square from the cold salutation of the haughty opulent purseproud Planter surrounded by ostentatious luxuries and evidently valuing himself upon the consequence which he imagined they must give him in our eyes
Mr Harley received the formal compliments of this favourite of fortune with the easy politeness which distinguishes the gentleman and the man of letters and the dignified composure which the consciousness of worth and talents seldom fails to inspire Mr Melmoth by his awkward and embarrassed manner tacitly acknowledged the impotence of wealth and the real superiority of his guest We were introduced by our stately relation to his wife the lady of the mansion a young woman whom he had accidentally met with in a party of pleasure at Jamaica whither she had attended a family in the humble office of companion or chief attendant to the lady Fascinated by her beauty and lively manner our trader had overlooked an empty mind a low education and a doubtful character and after a very few interviews tendered to her acceptance his hand and fortune which though not without some affectation of doubt and delay were in a short time joyfully accepted
A gentleman joined our party in the diningroom whom the servant announced by the name of Pemberton in whom I presently recognized notwithstanding some years had elapsed since our former meeting the man of fashon and gallantry who had been the antagonist of Mr Francis at the table of my father He had lately we were informed by our host been to Jamaica to take possession of an estate bequeathed to him and had returned to England in the same vessel with Mr and Mrs Melmoth After an elegant dinner of several courses had been served up and removed for the desert a desultory conversation took place
Mr Pemberton it appeared held a commission in the militia and earnestly solicited Mrs Melmoth on whom he lavished a profusion of compliments to grace their encampment which was to be stationed in the ensuing season near one of the fashionable watering places with her presence
This request the lady readily promised to comply with expressing in tones of affected softness her admiration of military men and of the
Pride pomp and circumstance of glorious war
Do you not think Miss Courtney said she turning to me that soldiers are the most agreeable and charming men in the world
Indeed I do not Madam their trade is murder and their trappings in my eyes appear but as the gaudy pomp of sacrifice
Murder indeed What a harsh word—I declare you are a shocking creature—There have always been wars in the world and there always must be but surely you would not confound the brave fellows who fight to protect their King and Country and the ladies with common ruffians and housebreakers
All the difference between them is that the one rendered desperate by passion poverty or injustice endeavours by wrong means to do himself right and through this terrible and pitiable mistake destroys the life or the property of a fellow being—The others wantonly and in cold blood cut down millions of their species ravage whole towns and cities and carry devastation through a country
What odd notions Dear Mr Pemberton did you ever hear a lady talk so strangely
Thus called upon Mr Pemberton thought it incumbent upon him to interfere—Courtney I think Madam your name is The daughter of an old friend of mine if I am not mistaken and who I remember was when a very young lady a great admirer of Roman virtues
Not of Roman virtues I believe Sir they had in them too much of the destructive spirit which Mrs Melmoth thinks so admirable
Indeed I said nothing about Roman virtues nor do I trouble myself with such subjects—I merely admired the soldiers because they are so brave and so polite besides the military dress is so elegant and becoming—Dear Mr Pemberton how charmingly you must look in your regimentals
Mr Pemberton bowing in return to the compliment made an animated eulogium on the taste and beauty of the speaker
Pray Sir resumed she addressing herself to Mr Harley whose inattention seemed to pique her and whose notice she was determined to attract are you of Miss Courtneys opinion—do you think it right to call soldiers murderers
Upon my word Madam with an air of irony you must excuse me from entering into such nice distinctions—when ladies differ who shall presume to decide
Mr Melmoth interposed by wishing that they had some thousands more of these murderers in the West Indies to keep the slaves in subordination who since absurd notions of liberty had been put into their heads were grown very troublesome and refractory and in a short time he supposed would become as insolent as the English servants
Would you believe it Mrs Denbeigh said the Planters lady addressing the sister of her husband Mr Melmoth and I have been in England but a month and have been obliged three times to change our whole suit of servants
This is a land of freedom my dear sister servants here will not submit to be treated like the slaves of Jamaica
Well I am sure it is very provoking to have ones will disputed by such low ignorant creatures How should they know what is right It is enough for them to obey the orders of their superiors
But suppose replied Mrs Denbeigh they should happen to think their superiors unreasonable
Think sister said the lordly Mr Melmoth with an exulting laugh what have servants or women to do with thinking
Nay now interrupted Mr Pemberton you are too severe upon the ladies—how would the elegant and tasteful arrangement of Mrs Melmoths ornaments have been produced without thinking
Oh you flatterer said the lady Let them think only about their dress and I have no objection but dont let them plague us with sermonizing
Mrs Melmoth said I coolly does not often I dare say offend in this way That some of the gentlemen present should object to a womans exercising her discriminating powers is not wonderful since it might operate greatly to their disadvantage
A blow on the right cheek from so fair a hand replied Mr Pemberton affectedly bending his body would almost induce one to adopt the christian maxim and turn the left also What say you Mr Harley
Mr Harley I believe Sir does not feel himself included in the reflection
He is a happy man then
No Sir merely a rational one
You are pleased to be severe of all things I dread a female wit
It is an instinctive feeling of self-preservation—nature provides weak animals with timidity as a guard
Mr Pemberton reddened and affecting a careless air hummed a tune Mr Melmoth again reverted to the subject of English servants which gave rise to a discussion on the Slave Trade Mr Harley pleaded the cause of freedom and humanity with a bold and manly eloquence expatiating warmly on the iniquity as well as impolicy of so accursed a traffic Melmoth was awed into silence Mr Pemberton advanced some trite arguments in opposition respecting the temporary mischiefs which might ensue in case of an abolition to the planters landholders traders c Augustus explained by contending only for the gradual emancipation after their minds had been previously prepared of the oppressed Africans The conversation grew interesting Pemberton was not devoid of talents when he laid aside his affectation the subject was examined both in a moral and a political point of view I listened with delight while Augustus exposed and confuted the specious reasoning and sophistry of his antagonist exulting in the triumph of truth and justice I secretly gloried—with more than selfish vanity—in the virtues and abilities of my friend Though driven from all his resources Mr Pemberton was too much the courtier to be easily disconcerted but complimenting his adversary on his eloquence declared he should be happy to hear of his having a seat in Parliament
Mrs Melmoth who had yawned and betrayed various symptoms of weariness during the discussion now proposed the adjournment of the ladies into the drawingroom whither I was compelled by a barbarous and odious custom reluctantly to follow and to submit to be entertained with a torrent of folly and impertinence
I was illnatured she told me—How could I be so severe upon the charming and elegant Mr Pemberton
It was in vain I laboured to convince her that to be treated like ideots was no real compliment and that the men who condescend to flatter our foibles despised the weak beings they helped to form
My remonstrances were as fatiguing and as little to be comprehended by this fine lady as the arguments respecting the Slave Trade—she sought refuge from them in interrogating Mrs Denbeigh respecting the last new fashions and in consulting her taste on the important question—whether blue or violet colour was the most becoming to a brunette complexion The gentlemen joined us to our great relief at the teatable—other company dropped in and the evening was beguiled with cards and the chessboard—at the latter Mr Melmoth and Mr Harley were antagonists—the former was no match for Augustus I amused myself by observing their moves and overlooking the game
During our return from this visit some conversation occurred between Mr Harley my cousin and myself respecting the company we had quitted I expressed my disappointment disgust and contempt in terms it may be a little too strong
I was fastidious Augustus told me I wanted a world made on purpose for me and beings formed after one model It was both amusing and instructive to contemplate varieties of character I was a romantic enthusiast—and should endeavour to become more like an inhabitant of the world
Piqued at these remarks and at the tone and manner in which they were uttered I felt my temper rising and replied with warmth but it was the glow of a moment for to say truth vexation and disappointment rather than reason had broken and subdued my spirit Mrs Denbeigh perceiving I was pained kindly endeavoured to give a turn to the conversation yet she could not help expressing her regret on observing the folly levity and extravagance of the woman whom her brother had chosen for a wife
No doubt said Augustus a little peevishly he is fond of her—she is a fine woman—there is no accounting for the caprices of the affections
I sighed and my eyes filled with tears—Is then affection so capricious a sentiment—is it possible to love what we despise
I cannot tell retorted Mr Harley with quickness Triflers can give no serious occasion for uneasiness—the humours of superior women are sometimes still less tolerable
Ah how unjust If gentleness be not the perfection of reason, it is a quality which I have never yet properly understood
He made no reply but sunk into silence reserve and reverie On our arrival at my apartments I ventured my cousin having left us to expostulate with him on his unkind behaviour but was answered with severity Some retrospection ensued which gradually led to the subject ever present to my thoughts—Again I expressed a solicitude to be informed of the real state of his heart of the nature of those mysterious obstacles to which when clearly ascertained I was ready to submit—Had he or had he not an attachment that looked to as its end a serious and legal engagement He appeared ruffled and discomposed—I ought not to be so urgent—he had already sufficiently explained himself He then repeated to me some particulars apparently adverse to such a supposition—asking me in his turn If these circumstances bespoke his having any such event in view
CHAPTER VI
For some time after this he absented himself from me and when he returned his manners were still more unequal even his sentiments and principles at times appeared to me equivocal and his character seemed wholly changed I tried in vain to accommodate myself to a disposition so various My affection my sensibility my fear of offending—a thousand conflicting torturing emotions threw a constraint over my behaviour—My situation became absolutely intolerable—time was murdered activity vain virtue inefficient yet a secret hope inspired me that indifference could not have produced the irritations the inequalities that thus harrassed me I thought I observed a conflict in his mind his fits of absence and reflection were unusual deep and frequent I watched them with anxiety with terror with breathless expectation My health became affected and my mind disordered I perceived that it was impossible to proceed in the manner we had hitherto done much longer—I felt that it would inevitably destroy me
I reflected meditated reasoned with myself—That one channel into which my thoughts were incessantly impelled was destructive of all order of all connection New projects occurred to me which I had never before ventured to encourage—I revolved them in my mind examined them in every point of view weighed their advantages and disadvantages in a moral in a prudential scale—Threatening evils appeared on all sides—I endeavoured at once to free my mind from prejudice and from passion and in the critical and singular circumstances in which I had placed myself coolly to survey the several arguments of the case and nicely to calculate their force and importance
If as we are taught to believe the benevolent Author of nature be indeed benevolent said I to myself he surely must have intended the happiness of his creatures Our morality cannot extend to him but must consist in the knowledge and practice of those duties which we owe to ourselves and to each other—Individual happiness constitutes the general good—happiness is the only true end of existence—all notions of morals founded on any other principle involve in themselves a contradiction, and must be erroneous Man does right when pursuing interest and pleasure—it argues no depravity—this is the fable of superstition he ought to only be careful that in seeking his own good he does not render it incompatible with the good of others—that he does not consider himself as standing alone in the universe The infraction of established rules may it is possible in some cases be productive of mischief yet it is difficult to state any rule so precise and determinate as to be alike applicable to every situation what in one instance might be a vice in another may possibly become a virtue—a thousand imperceptible evanescent shadings modify every thought every motive every action of our lives—no one can estimate the sensations of can form an exact judgment for another
I have sometimes suspected that all mankind are pursuing phantoms however dignified by different appellations—The healing operations of time had I patience to wait the experiment might perhaps recover my mind from its present distempered state but in the meanwhile the bloom of youth is fading and the vigour of life running to waste—Should I at length awake from a delusive vision it would be only to find myself a comfortless solitary shivering wanderer in the dreary wilderness of human society I feel in myself the capacities for increasing the happiness and the improvement of a few individuals—and this circle spreading wider and wider would operate towards the grand end of life—general utility
Again I repeated to myself—Ascetic virtues are equally barbarous as vain—the only just morals are those which have a tendency to increase the bulk of enjoyment My plan tends to this The good which I seek does not appear to me to involve injury to any one—it is of a nature adapted to the disposition of my mind for which every event of my life the education both of design and accident have fitted me If I am now put out I may perhaps do mischief—the placid stream forced from its channel lays waste the meadow I seem to stand as upon a wide plain bounded on all sides by the horizon—among the objects which I perceive within these limits some are so lofty my eyes ache to look up to them others so low I disdain to stoop for them One only seems fitted to my powers and to my wishes—one alone engages my attention Is not its possession worthy an arduous effort Perseverance can turn the course of rivers and level mountains Shall I then relinquish my efforts when perhaps on the very verge of success
The mind must have an object:—should I desist from my present pursuit after all it has cost me for what can I change it I feel that I am neither a philosopher nor a heroine—but a woman to whom education has given a sexual character It is true I have risen superior to the generality of my oppressed sex yet I have neither the talents for a legislator nor for a reformer of the world I have still many female foibles and shrinking delicacies that unfit me for rising to arduous heights Ambition cannot stimulate me and to accumulate wealth I am still less fitted Should I then do violence to my heart and compel it to resign its hopes and expectations what can preserve me from sinking into the most abhorred of all states languor and inanity—Alas that tender and faithful heart refuses to change its object—it can never love another Like Rousseaus Julia my strong individual attachment has annihilated every man in the creation—him I love appears in my eyes something more—every other something less
I have laboured to improve myself that I might be worthy of the situation I have chosen I would unite myself to a man of worth—I would have our mingled virtues and talents perpetuated in our offspring—I would experience those sweet sensations of which nature has formed my heart so exquisitely susceptible My ardent sensibilities incite me to love—to seek to inspire sympathy—to be beloved My heart obstinately refuses to renounce the man to whose mind my own seems akin From the centre of private affections it will at length embrace—like spreading circles on the peaceful bosom of the smooth and expanded lake—the whole sensitive and rational creation Is it virtue then to combat or to yield to my passions
I considered and reconsidered these reasonings so specious so flattering to which passion lent its force One moment my mind seemed firmly made up on the part I had to act—I persuaded myself that I had gone too far to recede and that there remained for me no alternative—the next instant I shrunk gasping from my own resolves and shuddered at the important consequences which they involved Amidst a variety of perturbations of conflicting emotions I at length once more took up my pen
CHAPTER VII
TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY
I blush when I reflect what a weak wavering inconsistent being I must lately have appeared to you I write to you on important subjects—I forbid you to answer me on paper and when you seem inclined to put that period to the present painful highwrought and trying state of my feelings which is now become so necessary I appear neither to hear nor to comprehend you I fly from the subject and thicken the cloud of mystery of which I have so often and I still think so justly complained—These are some of the effects of the contradictory systems that have so long bewildered our principles and conduct A combination of causes, added to the conflict between a thousand delicate and nameless emotions have lately conspired to confuse to weaken my spirits You can conceive that these acute mental sensations must have had a temporary effect on the state of my health To say truth and had I not said it my countenance would have betrayed me I have not for some time past been so thoroughly disordered
Once more I have determined to rally my strength for I feel that a much longer continuance in the situation in which my mind has been lately involved would be insupportable—and I call upon you now with a resolution to summon all my fortitude to bear the result for the written state of your mind on the topic become so important to my future welfare and usefulness
You may suppose that a mind like mine must have repeatedly set itself to examine on every side all that could possibly have a relation to a subject affecting it so materially You have hinted at mysterious obstacles to the wish in which every faculty of my soul has been so long absorbed—the wish of forming with you a connection nearer and more tender than that of friendship This mystery by leaving room for conjecture and how frequently have I warned you of this left room for the illusions of imagination and of hope—left room for the suspicion that you might possibly be sacrificing your own feelings as well as mine to a mistaken principle Is it possible that you were not aware of this—you who are not unacquainted with the nature of the mind! Still less were you ignorant of the nature of my mind—which I had so explicitly so unreservedly laid open I had a double claim upon your confidence—a confidence that I was utterly incapable of abusing or betraying—a confidence which must have stopped my mind in its career—which would have saved me the bitter agonizing pangs I have sustained Mine were not common feelings—it is obscurity and mystery which has wrought them up to frenzy—truth and certainty would long ere this have caused them temporarily to subside into their accustomed channels You understand little of the human heart if you cannot conceive this—Where the imagination is vivid the feelings strong the views and desires not bounded by common rules—in such minds passions if not subdued become ungovernable and fatal where there is much warmth much enthusiasm there is much danger—My mind is no less ardent than yours though education and habit may have given it a different turn—it glows with equal zeal to attain its end11 Yes I must continue to repeat there has been in your conduct one grand mistake and the train of consequences which may yet ensue are uncertain and threatening—But I mean no reproach—we are all liable to errors and my own I feel are many and various But to return—
You may suppose I have revolved in my thoughts every possible difficulty on the subject alluded to balancing their degrees of probability and force—and I will frankly confess such is the sanguine ardour of my temper that I can conceive but one obstacle that would be absolutely invincible which is supposing that you have already contracted a legal irrecoverable engagement Yet this I do not suppose I will arrange under five heads on all occasions I love to class and methodize every other possible species of objection and subjoin all the reasonings which have occurred to me on the subjects
And first I will imagine as the most serious and threatening difficulty that you love another I would then ask—Is she capable of estimating your worth—does she love you—has she the magnanimity to tell you so—would she sacrifice to that affection every meaner consideration—has she the merit to secure as well as accomplishments to attract your regard—You are too well acquainted with the human heart not to be aware that what is commonly called love is of a fleeting nature kept alive only by hopes and fears if the qualities upon which it is founded afford no basis for its subsiding into tender confidence and rational esteem Beauty may inspire a transient desire vivacity amuse for a time by its sportive graces but the first will quickly fade and grow familiar—the last degenerate into impertinence and insipidity Interrogate your own heart—Would you not when the ardour of the passions and the fervor of the imagination subsided wish to find the sensible intelligent friend take place of the engaging mistress—Would you not expect the economical manager of your affairs the rational and judicious mother to your offspring the faithful sharer of your cares the firm friend to your interest the tender consoler of your sorrows the companion in whom you could wholly confide the discerning participator of your nobler pursuits the friend of your virtues your talents your reputation—who could understand you who was formed to pass the ordeal of honour virtue friendship—Ask yourself these questions—ask them closely without sophistry and without evasion You are not now an infatuated boy Supposing then that you are at present entangled in an engagement which answers not this description—Is it virtue to fulfil or to renounce it Contrast it with my affection with its probable consequences and weigh our different claims Would you have been the selected choice of this woman from all mankind—would no other be capable of making her equally happy—would nothing compensate to her for your loss—are you the only object that she beholds in creation—might not another engagement suit her equally well or better—is her whole soul absorbed but by one sentiment that of fervent love for you—is her future usefulness as well as peace at stake—does she understand your high qualities better than myself—will she emulate them more—Does the engagement promise a favourable issue or does it threaten to wear away the best period of life in protracted and uncertain feeling—the most pernicious and destructive of all state of mind Remember also that the summer of life will quickly fade and that he who has reached the summit of the hill has no time to lose—if he seize not the present moment age is approaching and life melting fast away—I quit this to state my second hypothesis—
That you esteem and respect me but that your heart has hitherto refused the sympathies I have sought to awaken in it If this be the case it remains to search for the reason and I own I am at a loss to find it either in moral or physical causes Our principles are in unison our tastes and habits not dissimilar our knowledge of and confidence in each others virtues is reciprocal tried and established—our ages personal accomplishments and mental acquirements do not materially differ From such an union I conceive mutual advantages would result I have found myself distinguished esteemed beloved by others where I have not sought for this distinction How then can I believe it compatible with the nature of mind that so many strong efforts and reiterated impressions can have produced no effect upon yours Is your heart constituted differently from every other human heart—I have lately observed an inequality in your behaviour that has whispered something flattering to my heart Examine yourself—Have you felt no peculiar interest in what concerns me—would the idea of our separation affect you with no more than a slight and common emotion—One more question propose to yourself as a test—Could you see me form a new and more fortunate attachment with indifference If you cannot without hesitation answer these questions I have still a powerful pleader in your bosom though unconscious of it yourself that will ultimately prevail If I have yet failed of producing an unequivocal effect it must arise from having mistaken the means proper to produce the desired end My own sensibility and my imperfect knowledge of your character may here have combined to mislead me The first by its suffocating and depressing powers clouding my vivacity incapacitating me from appearing to you with my natural advantages—these effects would diminish as assurance took the place of doubt The last every day would contribute to correct Permit me then to hope for as well as to seek your affections and if I do not at length gain and secure them it will be a phenomenon in the history of mind
But to proceed to my third supposition—The peculiar pecuniary embarrassments of your situation—Good God did this barbarous insidious relation allow himself to consider the pernicious consequences of his absurd bequest—threatening to undermine every manly principle to blast every social virtue Oh that I had the eloquence to rouse you from this tame and unworthy acquiescence—to stimulate you to exercise your talents to trust to the independent energies of your mind to exert yourself to procure the honest rewards of virtuous industry In proportion as we lean for support on foreign aid we lose the dignity of our nature and palsey those powers which constitute that natures worth Yet I will allow from my knowledge of your habits and associations this obstacle its full force But there remains one method of obviating even this I will frankly confess that could I hope to gain the interest in your heart which I have so long and so earnestly sought—my confidence in your honour and integrity my tenderness for you added to the wish of contributing to your happiness would effect what no lesser considerations could have effected—would triumph not over my principles for the individuality of an affection constitutes its chastity but over my prudence I repeat I am willing to sacrifice every inferior consideration—retain your legacy so capriciously bequeathed—retain your present situation and I will retain mine This proposition though not a violation of modesty certainly involves in it very serious hazards—It is wholly the triumph of affection You cannot suppose that a transient engagement would satisfy a mind like mine I should require a reciprocal faith plighted and returned—an after separation otherwise than by mutual consent would be my destruction—I should not survive your desertion My existence then would be in your hands Yet having once confided your affection should be my recompence—my sacrifice should be a cheerful and a voluntary one I would determine not to harrass you with doubts nor jealousies I would neither reflect upon the past nor distrust the future I would rest upon you I would confide in you fearlessly and entirely but though I would not enquire after the past my delicacy would require the assurance of your present undivided affection
The fourth idea that has occurred to me is the probability of your having formed a plan of seeking some agreeable woman of fortune who should be willing to reward a man of merit for the injustice of society Whether you may already have experienced some disappointments of this nature I will not pretend to determine. I can conceive that by many women a coxcomb might be preferred to you—however this may be the plan is not unattended with risque nor with some possible degrading circumstances—and you may succeed and yet be miserable happiness depends not upon the abundance of our possessions
The last case which I shall state and on which I shall lay little comparative stress is the possibility of an engagement of a very inferior nature—a mere affair of the senses. The arguments which might here be adduced are too obvious to be repeated Besides I think highly of your refinement and delicacy—Having therefore just hinted I leave it with you
And now to conclude—After considering all I have urged you may perhaps reply—That the subject is too nice and too subtle for reasoning and that the heart is not to be compelled These I think are mistakes There is no subject in fact that may not be subjected to the laws of investigation and reasoning What is it that we desire—pleasure—happiness I allow pleasure is the supreme good but it may be analyzed—it must have a stable foundation—to this analysis I now call you This is the critical moment upon which hangs a long chain of events—This moment may decide your future destiny and mine—it may even affect that of unborn myriads My spirit is pervaded with these important ideas—my heart flutters—I breathe with difficulty—My friend—I would give myself to you—the gift is not worthless Pause a moment ere you rudely throw from you an affection so tried so respectable so worthy of you The heart may be compelled—compelled by the touching sympathies which bind with sacred indissoluble ties mind to mind Do not prepare for yourself future remorse—when lost you may recollect my worth and my affection and remember them with regret—Yet mistake me not I have no intention to intimidate—I think it my duty to live while I may possibly be useful to others however bitter and oppressive may be that existence I will live for duty though peace and enjoyment should be for ever fled You may rob me of my happiness you may rob me of my strength but even you cannot destroy my principles And if no other motive withheld me from rash determinations my tenderness for you it is not a selfish tenderness would prevent me from adding to the anxieties I have already given you the cruel pang of feeling yourself the occasion however unintentionally of the destruction of a fellow creature
While I await your answer I summon to my heart all its remaining strength and spirits Say to me in clear and decisive terms that the obstacles which oppose my affection are absolutely and altogether insuperable—Or that there is a possibility of their removal but that time and patience are yet necessary to determine their force In this case I will not disturb the future operations of your mind assuring myself that you will continue my suspence no longer than is proper and requisite—or frankly accept and return the faith of her to whom you are infinitely dearer than life itself
Early tomorrow morning a messenger shall call for the paper which is to decide the colour of my future destiny Every moment that the blow has been suspended it has acquired additional force—since it must at length descend it would be weakness still to desire its protraction—We have already refined too much—I promise to live—more alas I cannot promise
Farewel dearest and most beloved of men—whatever may be my fate—be happiness yours Once more my lingering foreboding heart repeats farewel
Emma
It would be unnecessary to paint my feelings during the interval in which I waited a reply to this letter—I struggled to repress hope and to prepare my mind for the dissolution of a thousand airbuilt fabrics The day wore tediously away in strong emotion and strong exertion On the subsequent morning I sat waiting the return of my messenger in a state of mind difficult even to be conceived—I heard him enter—breathless I flew to meet him—I held out my hand—I could not speak
Mr Harley desired me to tell you he had not had time to write
Gracious God I shudder even now to recall the convulsive sensation I sunk into a chair—I sat for some time motionless every faculty seemed suspended At length returning to recollection I wrote a short incoherent note entreating—
To be spared another day another night like the preceding—I asked only one single line In the morning I had made up my mind to fortitude—it was now sinking—another day I could not answer for the consequences
Again an interval of suspense—again my messenger returned with a verbal reply—He would write tomorrow Unconsciously I exclaimed—Barbarous unfeeling unpitying man A burst of tears relieved—no—it did not relieve me The day passed—I know not how—I dare not recollect
The next morning I arose somewhat refreshed my exhausted strength and spirits had procured me a few hours of profound slumber A degree of resentment gave a temporary firmness to my nerves What happiness I repeated to myself could I have expected with a man thus regardless of my feelings I composed my spirits—hope was at an end—into a sort of sullen resignation to my fate—a half stupor
At noon the letter arrived coldly confusedly written methought there appeared even a degree of irritation in it
Another a prior attachment—His behaviour had been such as necessarily resulted from such an engagement—unavoidable circumstances had prevented an earlier reply My swollen heart—but it is enough—He blamed my impatience—he would in future perhaps when my mind had attained more composure make some remarks on my letter
11 Holcrafts Anna St Ives
CHAPTER VIII
To write had always afforded a temporary relief to my spirits—The next day I resumed my pen
TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY
If after reflecting upon and comparing many parts of your past conduct you can acquit yourself at the sacred bar of humanity—it is well How often have I called for—urged with all the energy of truth and feeling—but in vain—such a letter as you have at length written—and even now though somewhat late I thank you for it Yet what could have been easier than to repeat so plain and so simple a tale The vague hints you had before given I had repeatedly declared to be insufficient Remember all my earnestness and all my simplicity and learn the value of sincerity Oh with what difficulty is an active mind once forced into any particular train persuaded to desert it as hopeless12
This recital then was not to be confirmed till the whole moral conformation of my mind was affected—till the barbed arrow had fixed and rankled in and poisoned with its envenomed point every vein every fibre of my heart This I confess is now the case—Reason and selfrespect sustain me—but the wound you have inflicted is indelible—it will continue to be the corroding canker at the root of my peace My youth has been worn in anguish—and the summer of life will probably be overshadowed by a still thicker and darker cloud But I mean not to reproach you—it is not given me to contribute to your happiness—the dearest and most ardent wish of my soul—I would not then inflict unnecessary pain—yet I would fix upon your mind the value of unequivocal sincerity
Had the happiness of any human being the meanest the vilest depended as much upon me as mine has done on you I would have sacrificed for their relief the dearest secret of my heart—the secret even upon which my very existence had depended It is true you did not directly deceive me—but is that enough for the delicacy of humanity May the past be an affecting lesson to us both—it is written upon my mind in characters of blood I feel and acknowledge my own errors in yielding to the illusion of vague visionary expectation but my faults have originated in a generous source—they have been the wild ardent fervent excesses of a vigorous and an exalted mind
I checked my tears as they flowed and they are already dried—uncalled unwished for—why do they thus struggle to force their way my mind has I hope too much energy utterly to sink—I know what it is to suffer and to combat with if not to subdue my feelings—and certainty itself, is some relief I am also supported by the retrospect of my conduct with all its mistakes and all its extravagances it has been that of a virtuous ingenuous uncorrupted mind You have contemned a heart of no common value you have sported with its exquisite sensibilities—but it will still know how to separate your virtues from your errors
You reprove perhaps justly my impatience—I can only say that circumstanced as you were I should have stolen an hour from rest from company from business however important to have relieved and soothed a fellowcreature in a situation so full of pain and peril Every thought during a day scarcely to be recollected without agony was a twoedged sword—but some hours of profound and refreshing slumber recruited my exhausted spirits and enabled me yesterday to receive my fate with a fortitude but little hoped for
You would oblige me exceedingly by the remarks you allow me to hope for on my letter of the ——th You know I will not shrink from reproof—that letter afforded you the last proof of my affection and I repent not of it I loved you first for what I conceived high qualities of mind—from nature and association my tenderness became personal—till at length I loved you not only rationally and tenderly—but passionately—it became a pervading and a devouring fire And yet I do not blush—my affection was modest if intemperate for it was individual—it annihilated in my eyes every other man in the creation I regret these natural sensations and affections their forcible suppression injures the mind—it converts the mild current of gentle and genial sympathies into a destructive torrent This I have the courage to avow it has been one of the miserable mistakes in morals and like all other partial remedies has increased the evil it was intended to correct From monastic institutions and principles have flowed as from a polluted source streams that have at once spread through society a mingled contagion of dissoluteness and hypocrisy
You have suddenly arrested my affections in their full career—in all their glowing effervescence—you have taken
The rose
From the fair forehead of an innocent love
And placed a blister there
And yet I survive the shock and determine to live not for future enjoyment—that is now for ever past—but for future usefulness—Is not this virtue
I am sorry your attachment has been and I fear is likely to be protracted—I know too well the misery of these situations and I should now feel a melancholy satisfaction in hearing of its completion—In that completion may you experience no disappointment I do not wish you to be beloved as I have loved you this perhaps is unnecessary such an affection infallibly enslaves the heart that cherishes it and slavery is the tomb of virtue and of peace
I believe it would not be proper for us to meet again—at least at present—should I hear of sickness or calamity befalling you I shall I suspect be impelled by an irresistible impulse to seek you—but I will no more interrupt your repose—Though you have contemned my affection my friendship will still follow you
If you really love I think you ought to make some sacrifices and not render yourself and the happy object of your tenderness the victims of factitious notions—Remember—youth and life will quickly fade Relinquish call upon her to relinquish her prejudices—should she refuse she is unworthy of you and you will regret too late the tender faithful ingenuous heart that you have pierced through and through—that you have almost broken Should she make you happy I will esteem though I may never have an opportunity of thanking her—Were she informed of my conduct she might rejoice in the trial of your affection—though I should not
The spirits that had crouded round my heart are already subsiding—a flood of softness a tide of overwhelming affection gushes upon it—and I feel sinking into helpless infantine distress Hasten to me your promised remarks—they will rouse they will strengthen me—Truth I will never call indelicate or inhuman—it is only the virtuous mind can dare to practise to challenge it—simplicity is true refinement
Let us reap from the past all the good we can—a close and searching knowledge of the secret springs and foldings of our hearts Methinks I could wish you justified even at my own expence—I ask unshrinkingly a frank return
A heartrending sigh accompanies my farewel—the last struggles of expiring nature will be far less painful—but my philosophy now sternly calls upon me to put its precepts in practice—trembling—shuddering—I obey
Farewel
Emma
Perhaps it cost me some effort to make the preceding letter so moderate—yet every victory gained over ourselves is attended with advantages But this apparent calm was the lethargy of despair—it was succeeded by severer conflicts by keener anguish A week passed and near a second—I received no answer
12 Godwins Caleb Williams
CHAPTER IX
A letter from the country made it necessary for me again to address Mr Harley to make some enquiries which respected business of his mothers It may be that I felt a mixture of other motives—it is certain that when I wrote I spoke of more than business
I had hoped I told him ere this to have received the promised letter—Yet I do not take up my pen said I either to complain of or to importune you If I have already expressed myself with bitterness let the harrassed state of my mind be my excuse My own conduct has been too erroneous too eccentric to enable me to judge impartially of yours Forgive me if by placing you in an embarrassing situation I have exposed you to consequent mistake or uneasiness I feel that whatever errors we may either of us have committed originated only with myself and I am content to suffer all the consequences It is true had you reposed in me an early generous confidence much misery would have been avoided—I had not been wounded
There where the human heart most exquisitely feels
You had been still my friend and I had been comparatively happy Every passion is in a great measure the growth of indulgence all our desires are in their commencement easily suppressed when there appears no probability of attaining their object but when strengthened by time and reflection into habit in endeavouring to eradicate them we tear away part of the mind. In my attachments there is a kind of savage tenacity—they are of an elastic nature and being forced back return with additional violence
My affection for you has not been altogether irrational or selfish While I felt that I loved you as no other woman I was convinced would love you—I conceived could I once engage your heart I could satisfy and even purify it While I loved your virtues I thought I saw and I lamented the foibles which sullied them I suspected you perhaps erroneously of pride ambition the love of distinction yet your ambition could not I thought be of an ignoble nature—I feared that the gratifications you sought if indeed attainable were factitious—I even fancied I perceived you against your better judgment labouring to seduce yourself He is under a delusion said I to myself—reason may be stunned or blinded for awhile but it will revive in the heart and do its office when sophistry will be of no avail I saw you struggling with vexations that I was assured might be meliorated by tender confidence—I longed to pour its balms into your bosom My sensibility disquieted you and myself only because it was constrained I thought I perceived a conflict in your mind—I watched its progress with attention and solicitude A thousand times has my fluttering heart yearned to break the cruel chains that fettered it and to chase the cloud which stole over your brow by the tender yet chaste caresses and endearments of ineffable affection My feelings became too highly wrought and altogether insupportable Sympathy for your situation zeal for your virtues love for your mind tenderness for your person—a complication of generous affecting exquisite emotions impelled me to make one great effort—13 The world might call my plans absurd my views romantic my pretensions extravagant—Was I or was I not guilty of any crime when in the very acme of the passions I so totally disregarded the customs of the world Ah what were my sensations—what did I not suffer in the interval—and you prolonged that cruel interval—and still you suffer me to doubt whether at the moment in my life when I was actuated by the highest the most fervent the most magnanimous principles—whether at that moment when I most deserved your respect I did not for ever forfeit it
I seek not to extenuate any part of my conduct—I confess that it has been wild extravagant romantic—I confess that even for your errors I am justly blameable—and yet I am unable to bear because I feel they would be unjust your hatred and contempt I cherish no resentment—my spirit is subdued and broken—your unkindness sinks into my soul
Emma
Another fortnight wore away in fruitless expectation—the morning rose the evening closed upon me in sadness I could not yet think the mystery developed on a concentrated view of the circumstances they appeared to me contradictory and irreconcileable A solitary enthusiast a child in the drama of the world I had yet to learn that those who have courage to act upon advanced principles must be content to suffer moral martyrdom14 In subduing our own prejudices we have done little while assailed on every side by the prejudices of others My own heart acquitted me but I dreaded that distortion of mind that should wrest guilt out of the most sublime of its emanations
I ruminated in gloomy silence on my forlorn and hopeless situation If there be not a future state of being said I to myself what is this—Tortured in every stage of it Man cometh forth like a flower and is cut down—he fleeth as a shadow and continueth not—I looked backward on my past life and my heart sickened—its confidence in humanity was shaken—I looked forward and all was cheerless I had certainly committed many errors—Who has not—who with a fancy as lively feelings as acute and a character as sanguine as mine What in fact says a philosophic writer15 is character—the production of a lively and constant affection and consequently, of a strong passion—eradicate that passion that ferment that leaven that exuberance which raises and makes the mind what it is and what remains Yet let us beware how we wantonly expend this divine this invigorating power Every grand error in a mind of energy in its operations and consequences carries us years forward—precious years never to be recalled I could find no substitute for the sentiments I regretted—for that sentiment formed my character and but for the obstacles which gave it force though I might have suffered less misery I should I suspect have gained less improvement still adversity is a real evil and I foreboded that this improvement had been purchased too dear
13 Holcrofts Anna St Ives
14 This sentiment may be just in some particular cases but it is by no means of general application and must be understood with great limitations
15 Helvetius
CHAPTER X
Weeks elapsed ere the promised letter arrived—a letter still colder and more severe than the former. I wept over it bitter tears It accused me of adding to the vexations of a situation before sufficiency oppressive—Alas had I known the nature of those vexations could I have merited such a reproof The Augustus I had so long and so tenderly loved no longer seemed to exist. Some one had surely usurped his signature and imitated those characters I had been accustomed to trace with delight He tore himself from me nor would he deign to soften the pang of separation Anguish overwhelmed me—my heart was pierced Reclining my head on my folded arms I yielded myself up to silent grief Alone sad desolate no one heeded my sorrows—no eye pitied me—no friendly voice cheered my wounded spirit The social propensities of a mind forbidden to expand itself forced back preyed incessantly upon that mind secretly consuming its powers
I was one day roused from these melancholy reflections by the entrance of my cousin Mrs Denbeigh She held in her hand a letter from my only remaining friend Mrs Harley I snatched it hastily my heart lacerated by the seeming unkindness of him in whom it had confided yearned to imbibe the consolation which the gentle tenderness of this dear maternal friend had never failed to administer The first paragraph informed me—
That she had a few days since received a letter from the person to whom the legacy of her son devolved should he fail in observing the prescribed conditions of the testator that this letter gave her notice that those conditions had already been infringed Mr Harley having contracted a marriage three years before with a foreigner with whom he had become acquainted during his travels that this marriage had been kept a secret and but very lately by an accidental concurrence of circumstances revealed to the person most concerned in the detection Undoubted proofs of the truth of this information could be produced it would therefore be most prudent in her son to resign his claims without putting himself and the legal heir to unnecessary expence and litigation Ignorant of the residence of Mr Harley the writer troubled his mother to convey to him these particulars
The paper dropped from my hand the colour forsook my lips and cheeks—yet I neither wept nor fainted Mrs Denbeigh took my hands—they were frozen—the blood seemed congealed in my veins—and I sat motionless—my faculties suspended stunned locked up My friend spake to me—embraced shed tears over me—but she could not excite mine—my mind was pervaded by a sense of confused misery I remained many days in this situation—it was a state of which I have but a feeble remembrance and I at length awoke from it as from a troublesome dream
With returning reason the tide of recollection also returned Oh how complicated appeared to me the guilt of Augustus Ignorant of his situation I had been unconsciously and perseveringly exerting myself to seduce the affections of a husband from his wife He had made me almost criminal in my own eyes—he had risqued at once by a disingenuous and cruel reserve the virtue and the happiness of three beings What is virtue but a calculation of the consequences of our actions Did we allow ourselves to reason on this principle, to reflect on its truth and importance we should be compelled to shudder at many parts of our conduct which taken unconnectedly we have habituated ourselves to consider as almost indifferent Virtue can exist only in a mind capable of taking comprehensive views How criminal then is ignorance
During this sickness of the soul Mr Francis who had occasionally visited me since my residence in town called repeatedly to enquire after my welfare expressing a friendly concern for my indisposition I saw him not—I was incapable of seeing any one—but informed by my kind hostess of his humane attentions soothed by the idea of having yet a friend who seemed to interest himself in my concerns I once more had recourse to my pen Mrs Denbeigh having officiously placed the implements of writing in my way and addressed him in the wild and incoherent language of despair
TO MR FRANCIS
You once told me that I was incapable of heroism and you were right—yet I am called to great exertions a blow that has been suspended over my head days weeks months years has at length fallen—still I live My tears flow—I struggle in vain to suppress them but they are not tears of blood—My heart though pierced through and through is not broken
My friend come and teach me how to acquire fortitude—I am wearied with misery—All nature is to me a blank—an envenomed shaft rankles in my bosom—philosophy will not heal the festering wound—I am exquisitely wretched
Do not chide me till I get more strength—I speak to you of my sorrows for your kindness while I was yet a stranger to you inspired me with confidence and my desolate heart looks round for support
I am indebted to you—how shall I repay your goodness Do you indeed interest yourself in my fate Call upon me then for the few incidents of my life—I will relate them simply and without disguise There is nothing uncommon in them but the effect which they have produced upon my mind—yet that mind they formed
After all my friend what a wretched farce is life Why cannot I sleep and close my eyes upon it for ever But something whispers this would be wrong—How shall I tear from my heart all its darling close twisted associations—And must I live—live for what God only knows Yet how am I sure that there is a God—is he wise—is he powerful—is he benevolent If he be can he sport himself in the miseries of poor feeble impotent beings forced into existence without their choice—impelled by the iron hand of necessity through mistake into calamity—Ah my friend who will condemn the poor solitary wanderer whose feet are pierced with many a thorn should he turn suddenly out of the rugged path seek an obscure shade to shrowd his wounds his sorrows and his indignation from the scorn of a pitiless world and accelerate the hour of repose16 Who would be born if they could help it You would perhaps—you may do good—But on me the sun shines only to mock my woes—Oh that I had never seen the light
Torn by conflicting passions—wasted in anguish—life is melting fast away—A burthen to myself a grief to those who love me and worthless to every one Weakened by long suspence—preyed upon by a combination of imperious feelings—I fear I greatly fear the irrecoverable blow is struck But I blame no one—I have been entangled in error—who is faultless
While pouring itself out on paper my tortured mind has experienced a momentary relief If your heart be inaccessible to tender sympathies I have only been adding one more to my numberless mistakes
Emma
Mr Francis visited me and evinced for my situation the most humane and delicate consideration He reminded me of the offer I had made him and requested the performance of my engagement In compliance with this request and to beguile my melancholy thoughts I drew up a sketch of the events of my past life and unfolded a history of the sentiments of my mind from which I have extracted the preceding materials reserving only any circumstance which might lead to a detection of the name and family of the man with whom they were so intimately blended
16 This is the reasoning of a mind distorted by passion Even in the moment of disappointment our heroine judged better See page 38
CHAPTER XI
After having perused my manuscript Mr Francis returned it at my desire accompanied by the following letter
TO EMMA COURTNEY
Your narrative leaves me full of admiration for your qualities and compassion for your insanity
I entreat however your attention to the following passage extracted from your papers After considering all I have urged you may perhaps reply that the subject is too nice and too subtle for reasoning and that the heart is not to be compelled This I think is a mistake There is no topic in fact that may not be subjected to the laws of investigation and reasoning What is it we desire pleasure happiness What the pleasure of an instant only or that which is more solid and permanent I allow pleasure is the supreme good but it may be analysed To this analysis I now call you
Could I if I had studied for years invent a comment on your story more salutary to your sorrows more immoveable in its foundation more clearly expressed or more irresistibly convincing to every rational mind
How few real substantial misfortunes there are in the world how few calamities the sting of which does not depend upon our cherishing the viper in our bosom and applying the aspic to our veins The general pursuit of all men we are frequently told is happiness I have often been tempted to think on the contrary that the general pursuit is misery It is true men do not recognize it by its genuine appellation they content themselves with the pitiful expedient of assigning it a new denomination But if their professed purpose were misery could they be more skilful and ingenious in the pursuit
Look through your whole life To speak from your own description was there ever a life in its present period less chequered with substantial bona fide misfortune The whole force of every thing which looks like a misfortune was assiduously unintermittedly provided by yourself You nursed in yourself a passion which taken in the degree in which you experienced it is the unnatural and odious invention of a distempered civilization and which in almost all instances generates an immense overbalance of excruciating misery Your conduct will scarcely admit of any other denomination than moonstruck madness hunting after torture You addressed a man impenetrable as a rock and the smallest glimpse of sober reflection and common sense would have taught you instantly to have given up the pursuit
I know you will tell me and you will tell yourself a great deal about constitution early association and the indissoluble chain of habits and sentiments But I answer with small fear of being erroneous It is a mistake to suppose that the heart is not to be compelled There is no topic in fact that may not be subjected to the laws of investigation and reasoning Pleasure happiness is the supreme good and happiness is susceptible of being analysed I grant that the state of a human mind cannot be changed at once but had you worshipped at the altar of reason but half as assiduously as you have sacrificed at the shrine of illusion your present happiness would have been as enviable as your present distress is worthy of compassion If men would but take the trouble to ask themselves once every day Why should I be miserable how many to whom life is a burthen would become chearful and contented
Make a catalogue of all the real evils of human life bodily pain compulsory solitude severe corporal labour in a word all those causes which deprive us of health or the means of spending our time in animated various and rational pursuits Aye these are real evils But I should be ashamed of putting disappointed love into my enumeration Evils of this sort are the brood of folly begotten upon fastidious indolence They shrink into nonentity when touched by the wand of truth
The first lesson of enlightened reason the great fountain of heroism and virtue the principle by which alone man can become what man is capable of being, is independence May every power that is favourable to integrity to honour defend me from leaning upon another for support I will use the word I will use my fellow men but I will not abuse these invaluable benefits of the system of nature. I will not be weak and criminal enough to make my peace depend upon the precarious thread of anothers life or anothers pleasure I will judge for myself I will draw my support from myself—the support of my existence and the support of my happiness The system of nature has perhaps made me dependent for the means of existence and happiness upon my fellow men taken collectively but nothing but my own folly can make me dependent upon individuals Will these principles prevent me from admiring esteeming and loving such as are worthy to excite these emotions Can I not have a mind to understand and a heart to feel excellence without first parting with the fairest attribute of my nature
You boast of your sincerity and frankness You have doubtless some reason for your boast—Yet all your misfortunes seem to have arisen from concealment You brooded over your emotions and considered them as a sacred deposit—You have written to me I have seen you frequently during the whole of this transaction without ever having received the slightest hint of it yet if I be a fit counsellor now I was a fit counsellor then your folly was so gross that if it had been exposed to the light of day it could not have subsisted for a moment Even now you suppress the name of your hero yet unless I know how much of a hero and a model of excellence he would appear in my eyes I can be but a very imperfect judge of the affair
—— Francis
CHAPTER XII
To the remonstrance of my friend which roused me from the languor into which I was sinking I immediately replied—
TO MR FRANCIS
You retort upon me my own arguments and you have cause I felt a ray of conviction dart upon my mind even while I wrote them But what then—I seemed to be in a state in which reason had no power I felt as if I could coolly survey the several arguments of the case—perceive that they had prudence truth and common sense on their side—And then answer—I am under the guidance of a director more energetic than you17 I am affected by your kindness—I am affected by your letter I could weep over it bitter tears of conviction and remorse But argue with the wretch infected with the plague—will it stop the tide of blood that is rapidly carrying its contagion to the heart I blush I shed burning tears But I am still desolate and wretched And how am I to stop it The force which you impute to my reasoning was the powerful frenzy of a high delirium
What does it signify whether abstractedly considered a misfortune be worthy of the names real and substantial if the consequences produced are the same That which embitters all my life that which stops the genial current of health and peace is whatever be its nature a real calamity to me There is no end to this reasoning—what individual can limit the desires of another The necessaries of the civilized man are whimsical superfluities in the eye of the savage Are we or are we not as you have taught me the creatures of sensation and circumstance
I agree with you—and the more I look into society the deeper I feel the soulsickening conviction—The general pursuit is misery—necessarily—excruciating misery from the source to which you justly ascribe it—The unnatural and odious inventions of a distempered civilization I am content you may perceive to recognize things by their genuine appellation I am at least a reasoning maniac perhaps the most dangerous species of insanity But while the source continues troubled why expect the streams to run pure
You know I will tell you—about the indissoluble chains of association and habit and you attack me again with my own weapons Alas while I confess their impotence with what consistency do I accuse the flinty impenetrable heart I so earnestly sought in vain to move What materials does this stubborn mechanism of the mind offer to the wise and benevolent legislator
Had I you tell me worshipped at the altar of reason, but half as assiduously as I have sacrificed at the shrine of illusion my happiness might have been enviable But do you not perceive that my reason was the auxiliary of my passion or rather my passion the generative principle of my reason Had not these contradictions these oppositions roused the energy of my mind I might have domesticated tamely in the lap of indolence and apathy
I do ask myself every day—Why should I be miserable—and I answer Because the strong predominant sentiment of my soul close twisted with all its cherished associations has been rudely torn away and the blood flows from the lacerated wound You would be ashamed of placing disappointed love in your enumeration of evils Gray was not ashamed of this—
And pining love shall waste their youth
And jealousy with rankling tooth
That inly gnaws the secret heart
——
These shall the stings of falsehood try
And hard unkindness alterd eye
That mocks the tear it forcd to flow
Is it possible that you can be insensible of all the mighty mischiefs which have been caused by this passion—of the great events and changes of society to which it has operated as a powerful though secret spring That Jupiter shrouded his glories beneath a mortal form that he descended yet lower and crawled as a reptile—that Hercules took the distaff and Sampson was shorn of his strength are in their spirit no fables Yet these were the legends of ages less degenerate than this and states of society less corrupt Ask your own heart—whether some of its most exquisite sensations have not arisen from sources which to ninetenths of the world would be equally inconceivable Mine I believe is a solitary madness in the eighteenth century it is not on the altars of love but of gold that men now come to pay their offerings
Why call woman miserable oppressed and impotent woman—crushed and then insulted—why call her to independence—which not nature but the barbarous and accursed laws of society have denied her This is mockery Even you wise and benevolent as you are can mock the child of slavery and sorrow Excluded as it were by the pride luxury and caprice of the world from expanding my sensations and wedding my soul to society I was constrained to bestow the strong affections that glowed consciously within me upon a few18 Love in minds of any elevation cannot be generated but upon a real or fancied foundation of excellence But what would be a miracle in architecture is true in morals—the fabric can exist when the foundation has mouldered away Habit daily produces this wonderful effect upon every feeling and every principle Is not this the theory which you have taught me
Am I not sufficiently ingenuous—I will give you a new proof of my frankness though not the proof you require—From the miserable consequences of wretched moral distinctions from chastity having been considered as a sexual virtue all these calamities have flowed Men are thus rendered sordid and dissolute in their pleasures their affections vitiated and their feelings petrified the simplicity of modest tenderness loses its charm they become incapable of satisfying the heart of a woman of sensibility and virtue—Half the sex then are the wretched degraded victims of brutal instinct the remainder if they sink not into mere frivolity and insipidity are sublimed into a sort of—what shall I call them—refined romantic factitious unfortunate beings who for the sake of the present moment dare not expose themselves to complicated inevitable evils evils that will infallibly overwhelm them with misery and regret Woe be more especially to those who possessing the dangerous gifts of fancy and feeling find it as difficult to discover a substitute for the object as for the sentiment You who are a philosopher will you still controvert the principles founded in truth and nature Gross as is my folly and I do not deny it you may perceive I was not wholly wandering in darkness But while the wintry sun of hope illumined the fairy frostwork with a single slanting ray—dazzled by the transient brightness I dreaded the meridian fervors that should dissolve the glittering charm Yes it was madness—but it was the pleasurable madness which none but madmen know
I cannot answer your question—Pain me not by its repetition neither seek to ensnare me to the disclosure Unkindly severely as I have been treated I will not risque even the possibility of injuring the man whom I have so tenderly loved in the esteem of any one Were I to name him you know him not you could not judge of his qualities He is not a model of excellence I perceive it with pain—and if obliged to retract my judgment on some parts of his character—I retract it with agonizing reluctance But I could trace the sources of his errors and candour and selfabasement imperiously compel me to a mild judgment to stifle the petulant suggestions of a wounded spirit
Ought not our principles my friend to soften the asperity of our censures—Could I have won him to my arms I thought I could soften and even elevate his mind—a mind in which I still perceive a great proportion of good I weep for him as well as for myself He will one day know my value and feel my loss Still I am sensible that by my extravagance I have given a great deal of vexation possibly some degradation to a being whom I had no right to persecute or to compel to chuse happiness through a medium of my creation I cannot exactly tell the extent of the injury I may have done him A long train of consequences succeed even our most indifferent actions—Strong energies though they answer not the end proposed must yet produce correspondent effects Morals and mechanics are here analogous No longer then distress me by the repetition of a question I ought not to answer I am content to be the victim—Oh may I be the only victim—of my folly
One more observation allow me to make before I conclude That we can admire esteem and love an individual—for love in the abstract, loving mankind collectively conveys to me no idea—which must be in fact depending upon that individual for a large share of our felicity and not lament his loss in proportion to our apprehension of his worth appears to me a proposition, involving in itself an absurdity therefore demonstrably false
Let me my friend see you ere long—your remonstrance has affected me—save me from myself
TO THE SAME
In continuation
My letter having been delayed a few days through a mistake—I resume my pen for running my eye over what I had written I perceive confounded by the force of your expressions I have granted you too much My conduct was not altogether so insane as I have been willing to allow It is certain that could I have attained the end proposed my happiness had been encreased It is necessary for me to love and admire or I sink into sadness The behaviour of the man whom I sought to move appeared to me too inconsistent to be the result of indifference To be roused and stimulated by obstacles—obstacles admitting hope because obscurely seen—is no mark of weakness Could I have subdued what I then conceived to be the prejudices of a worthy man I could have increased both his happiness and my own I deeply reasoned and philosophized upon the subject Perseverance with little ability has effected wonders—with perseverance I felt that I had the power of uniting ability—confiding in that power I was the dupe of my own reason No other man perhaps could have acted the part which this man has acted—how then was I to take such a part into my calculations
Do not misconceive me—it is no miracle that I did not inspire affection On this subject the mortification I have suffered has humbled me it may be even unduly in my own eyes—but to the emotions of my pride I would disdain to give words Whatever may have been my feelings I am too proud to express the rage of slighted love—Yet I am sensible to all the powers of those charming lines of Pope—
Unequal talk a passion to resign
For hearts so touchd so piercd so lost as mine
Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state
How often must it love how often hate
How often hope despair resent regret
Conceal disdain do all things but forget
But to return I pursued comparatively as I thought a certain good and when at times discouraged I have repeated to myself—What after all these pains shall I relinquish my efforts when perhaps on the very verge of success—To say nothing of the difficulty of forcing an active mind out of its trains—if I desisted what was to be the result The sensations I now feel—apathy stagnation abhorred vacuity
You cannot resist the force of my reasoning—you who are acquainted with who know how to paint in colours true to nature the human heart—you who admire as a proof of power the destructive courage of an Alexander even the fanatic fury of a Ravaillac—you who honour the pernicious ambition of an Augustus Cæsar as bespeaking the potent energetic mind—why should you affect to be intolerant to a passion though differing in nature, generated on the same principles and by a parallel process The capacity of perception, or of receiving sensation is or generates the power into what channel that power shall be directed depends not on ourselves Are we not the creatures of outward impressions Without such impressions should we be any thing? Are not passions and powers synonimous—or can the latter be produced without the lively interest that constitutes the former? Do you dream of annihilating the one—and will not the other be extinguished With the apostle Paul permit me to say—I am not mad but speak the words of truth and soberness
To what purpose did you read my confessions but to trace in them a character formed like every other human character by the result of unavoidable impressions and the chain of necessary events I feel that my arguments are incontrovertible—I suspect that by affecting to deny their force you will endeavour to deceive either me or yourself—I have acquired the power of reasoning on this subject at a dear rate—at the expence of inconceivable suffering Attempt not to deny me the miserable expensive victory I am ready to say—ungrateful that I am—Why did you put me upon calling forth my strong reason
I perceive there is no cure for me—apathy is not the restoration to health but the morbid lethargy of the soul but by a new train of impressions of whatever nature equally forcible with the past—You will tell me It remains with myself whether I will predetermine to resist such impressions Is this true Is it philosophical Ask yourself What—can even you shrink from the consequences of your own principles
One word more—You accuse me of brooding in silence over my sensations—of considering them as a sacred deposit Concealment is particularly repugnant to my disposition—yet a thousand delicacies—a thousand nameless solicitudes and apprehensions sealed my lips—He who inspired them was alone the depositary of my most secret thoughts—my heart was unreservedly open before him—I covered my paper with its emotions and transmitted it to him—like him who whispered his secret into the earth to relieve the burden of uncommunicated thought My secret was equally safe and received in equal silence Alas he was not then ignorant of the effects it was likely to produce
Emma
Mr Francis continued his humane and friendly attentions and while he opposed my sentiments as conceiving them destructive of my tranquillity mingled with his opposition a gentle and delicate consideration for my feelings that sensibly affected me and excited my grateful attachment He judged right that by stimulating my mind into action the sensations which so heavily oppressed it might be in some measure mitigated—by diverting the course of my ideas into different channels and by that means abating their force His kindness soothed and flattered me and communications relieved my thoughts
17 Godwins Caleb Williams
18 Godwins Caleb Williams
CHAPTER XIII
The period which succeeded these events though tedious in wearing away marked by no vicissitude has left little impression behind The tenor of my days resembled the still surface of a stagnant lake embosomed in a deep cavern over which the refreshing breezes never sweep Sad vacant inactive—the faculties both of mind and body seemed almost suspended I became weak languid enervated—my disorder was a lethargy of soul This was gradually succeeded by disease of body—an inactivity so contrary to all the habits of my past life generated morbid humours and brought on a slow remitting fever I recovered by degrees from this attack but remained for some time in a debilitated though convalescent state A few weeks after my disorder returned lasted longer and left me still more weakened and depressed A third time it assailed me at a shorter interval and though less violent was more protracted and more exhausting
Mrs Denbeigh alarmed by my situation wrote to Mrs Harley expressing the apprehensions which she entertained From this dear friend who was herself in a declining state of health I received a pressing invitation to visit once more the village of F—— and to seek from change of air change of scene and the cordial endearments of friendship a restoration for my debilitated frame and a balm for my wounded mind
My relation at this period had letters from her husband informing her that the term of his residence in India was prolonged pressing her to join him there and to come over in the next ship To this request she joyfully acceded and hearing that a packet was about to sail for Bengal secured her passage and began immediately to make preparations for her departure I no longer hesitated to comply with the entreaties of my friend besides the tie of strong affection which drew me to her I had at present little other resource
After affectionately embracing Mrs Denbeigh wishing a happy issue to her voyage thanking her for all her kindness and leaving a letter of grateful acknowledgement for Mr Francis I quitted the metropolis with an aching heart and a wasted frame My cousin accompanied me to the inn from whence the vehicle set out that was to convey me to Mrs Harley We parted in silence—a crowd of retrospective ideas of the past and solicitudes respecting the future occupied our thoughts—our sensations were too affecting for words
The carriage quitted London at the close of the evening and travelled all night—it was towards the end of the year At midnight we passed over Hounslow and Bagshot heaths The moon to adopt the language of Ossian looked through broken clouds and brightened their darkbrown sides A loud November blast howled over the heath and whistled through the fern—There was a melancholy desolation in the scene that was in unison with my feelings and which overwhelmed my spirits with a tide of tender recollections I recalled to my imagination a thousand interesting images—I indulged in all the wild enthusiasm of my character My fellowtravellers slept tranquilly while my soul was awake to agonizing sorrow I adopted the language of the tender Eloisa—Why said I am I indebted for life to his care whose cruelty has rendered it insupportable Inhuman as he is let him fly from me for ever and deny himself the savage pleasure of being an eyewitness to my sorrows—But why do I rave thus—He is not to be blamed—I alone am guilty—I alone am the author of my own misfortunes and should therefore be the only object of anger and resentment19
Weakened by my late indisposition fatigued by the rough motion of the carriage and exhausted by strong emotion when arrived at the end of my journey I was obliged to be lifted from the coach and carried into the cottage of my friend The servant led the way to the library—the door opened—Mrs Harley advanced to receive me with tottering steps The ravages of grief and the traces of sickness were visible in her dear affectionate countenance I clasped my hands and lifting up my eyes beheld the portrait of Augustus—beheld again the resemblance of those features so deeply engraven on my heart My imagination was raised—methought the lively colours of the complexion had faded the benignant smile had vanished and an expression of perplexity and sternness usurped its place I uttered a faint shriek and fell lifeless into the arms of my friend It was some time before I returned to sense and recollection when I found myself on the bed in the little chamber which had formerly been appropriated to my use My friend sat beside me holding my hand in hers which she bathed with her tears Thank God she exclaimed in a rapturous accent as with a deep sigh I raised my languid eyes and turned them mournfully towards her—she lives—My Emma—child of my affections—sobs suppressed her utterance I drew the hand which held mine towards me—I pressed it to my bosom—My mother—I would have said but the tender appellation died away upon my lips in inarticulate murmurs
These severe struggles were followed by a return of my disorder Mrs Harley would scarcely be persuaded to quit my chamber for a moment—her tenderness seemed to afford her new strength—but these exertions accelerated the progress of an internal malady which had for some time past been gaining ground and gradually undermining her health
Youth and a good constitution aided by the kind solicitudes of friendship restored me in a few weeks to a state of convalescence I observed the declining strength of my friend with terror—I accused myself of having though involuntarily added to these alarming symptoms by the new fatigues and anxieties which I had occasioned her Affection inspired me with those energies that reason had vainly dictated I struggled to subdue myself—I stifled the impetuous suggestions of my feelings in exerting myself to fulfil the duties of humanity My mind assumed a firmer tone—I became once more the cheerful companion the tender consoler the attentive nurse of this excellent woman to whose kindness I was so much indebted—and if I stole a few moments in the day while my friend reposed to gaze on the resemblance of Augustus to weep over the testimonies of his former respect and friendship I quickly chased from my bosom and my countenance every trace of sadness when summoned to attend my friend
19 Rousseau
CHAPTER XIV
The winter came on severe and cold Mrs Harley was forbidden to expose herself to the frosty air which seemed to invigorate my languid frame I was constituted her almoner to distribute to the neighbouring poor the scanty portion which she was enabled by a rigid œconomy to spare from her little income yet the value of this distribution had been more than redoubled by the gentler charities of kind accents tender sympathy and wholesome counsels To these indigent but industrious cottagers I studied to be the worthy representative of their amiable benefactress and found my reward in their grateful attachment and the approving smiles of my friend
By degrees she ventured to converse with me on the subject nearest her heart—the situation of her son He had been obliged to yield to the proofs produced of his marriage which he had at first seemed desirous of evading He had written with reserve upon the subject to his mother but from the enquiries of a common friend she had reason to apprehend that his engagement had been of an imprudent nature Two children were already the fruits of it the mother with a feminine helplessness of character had a feeble constitution The small fortune which Augustus had originally shared with his family was greatly reduced His education and habits had unfitted him for those exertions which the support of an encreasing family necessarily required—his spirits her friend had informed her seemed broken and his temper soured Some efforts had been made to serve him which his lofty spirit had repelled with disdain
This narration deeply affected my heart—I had resigned myself to his loss—but the idea of his suffering I felt was an evil infinitely severer It was this conviction that preyed incessantly on the peace and health of his mother My fortitude failed when I would have tried to sustain her and I could only afford the melancholy satisfaction of mingling my sorrows with hers
The disorder of my friend rapidly increased—her mind became weakened and her feelings wayward and irritable I watched her incessantly—I strove by every alleviating care to soften her pains Towards the approach of spring the symptoms grew more threatening and it was judged by her physician necessary to apprize her family of her immediate danger What a trial for my exhausted heart I traced with a trembling hand a line to this melancholy purpose—addressed it to Mr Harley and through him to his younger brothers and sisters
In a few days they arrived in the village—sending from the inn a servant to prepare their mother for their approach I gently intimated to her the visitants we might expect The previous evening a change had taken place which indicated approaching dissolution and her mind not uncommon in similar cases seemed almost instantaneously to have recovered a portion of its original strength She sighed deeply while her eyes which were fixed wistfully on my face were lighted with a bright but transient lustre
My dear Emma said she this is a trying moment for us both I shall soon close my eyes for ever upon all worldly cares—Still cherish in your pure and ingenuous mind a friendship for my Augustus—the darling of my soul He may in future stand in need of consolation I had formed hopes—vain hopes—in which you and he were equally concerned In the happiness of this partiallyfavoured child—this idol of my affections—all mine was concentrated He has disappointed me and I have lost the desire of living—Yet he has noble qualities—Who alas is perfect Summon your fortitude collect your powers my child for this interview
She sunk on her pillow—I answered her only with my tears A servant entered—but spoke not—her look announced her tidings—It caught the eye of Mrs Harley—
Let them enter said she and she raised herself to receive them and assumed an aspect of composure
I covered my face with my handkerchief—I heard the sound of footsteps approaching the bed—I heard the murmurs of filial sorrow—The voice of Augustus in low and interrupted accents struck upon my ear—it thrilled through my nerves—I shuddered involuntarily—What a moment My friend spoke a few words in a faint tone
My children she added repay to this dear girl laying her hand upon mine the debt of kindness I owe her—she has smoothed the pillow of death—she is an orphan—she is tender and unfortunate
I ventured to remove for a moment the handkerchief from my eyes—they met those of Augustus—he was kneeling by the bedside—his countenance was wan and every feature sunk in dejection a shivering crept through my veins and chilled my heart with a sensation of icy coldness—he removed his eyes fixing them on his dying mother
My son she resumed in still fainter accents behold in Emma your sister—your friend—confide in her—she is worthy of your confidence—Will you not love him my child—gazing upon me—with a sisterly affection
I hid my face upon the pillow of my friend—I threw my arms around her—Your request is superfluous my friend my more than parent ah how superfluous
Forgive me I know the tenderness of your nature—yielding in these parting moments to the predominant affection of my heart—I fear I have wounded that tender nature Farewell my children Love and assist each other—Augustus where is your hand—my sight fails me—God bless you and your little ones—God bless you all—My last sigh—my last prayer—is yours
Exhausted by these efforts she fainted—Augustus uttered a deep groan and raised her in his arms—but life was fled
At the remembrance of these scenes even at this period my heart is melted within me
What is there of mournful magic in the emotions of virtuous sorrow that in retracing in dwelling upon them mingles with our tears a sad and sublime rapture Nature that has infused so much misery into the cup of human life has kindly mixed this strange and mysterious ingredient to qualify the bitter draught
CHAPTER XV
After the performance of the last melancholy duties this afflicted family prepared to separate I received from them individually friendly offers of service and expressions of acknowledgment for my tender attentions to their deceased parent I declined for the present their invitations and profferred kindness though uncertain how to dispose of myself or which way to direct my course Augustus behaved towards me with distant cold respect I observed in his features under a constrained appearance of composure marks of deep and strong emotion I recalled to my mind the injunctions of my deceased friend—I yearned to pour into his bosom the balm of sympathy but with an aspect bordering on severity he repressed the expression of those ingenuous feelings which formed my character and shunned the confidence I so earnestly sought Unfortunate love had in my subdued and softened mind laid the foundation of a fervent and durable friendship—But my love my friendship were equally contemned I relinquished my efforts—I shut myself in my chamber—and in secret indulged my sorrows
The house of my deceased friend was sold and the effects disposed of On the day previous to their removal and the departure of the family for London I stole into the library at the close of the evening to view for the last time the scene of so many delightful so many afflicting emotions A mysterious and sacred enchantment is spread over every circumstance even every inanimate object connected with the affections To those who are strangers to these delicate yet powerful sympathies this may appear ridiculous—but the sensations are not the less genuine nor the less in nature. I will not attempt to analyse them it is a subject upon which the language of philosophy would appear frigid and on which I feel myself every moment on the verge of fanaticism Yet affections like these are not so much weakness as strength perhaps badly exerted Rousseau was right when he asserted that Common men know nothing of violent sorrows nor do great passions ever break out in weak minds Energy of sentiment is the characteristic of a noble soul
I gazed from the windows on the shrubbery where I had so often wandered with my friends—where I had fondly cherished so many flattering so many visionary prospects Every spot every tree was associated with some past pleasure some tender recollection The last rays of the setting sun struggling from beneath a louring cloud streamed through its dark bosom illumined its edges played on the window in which I was standing and gilding the opposite side of the wainscot against which the picture of Augustus still hung shed a soft and mellow lustre over the features I turned almost unconsciously and contemplated it with a long and deep regard It seemed to smile benignly—it wore no traces of the cold austerity the gloomy and inflexible reserve which now clouded the aspect of the original I called to my remembrance a thousand interesting conversations—when
Tuned to happy unison of soul a fairer world of which the vulgar never had a glimpse displayed its charms
Absorbed in thought the crimson reflection from the western clouds gradually faded while the deep shades of the evening thickened by the appearance of a gathering tempest involved in obscurity the object on which without distinctly perceiving it I still continued to gaze
I was roused from this reverie by the sudden opening of the door Some person whom the uncertain light prevented me from distinguishing walked across the room with a slow and solemn pace and after taking several turns backwards and forwards reclined on the sopha remaining for some time perfectly still A tremor shook my nerves—unable either to speak or to move I continued silent and trembling—my heart felt oppressed almost to suffocation—at length a deep convulsive sigh forced its way
My God exclaimed the person whose meditations I had interrupted what is that
It was the voice of Mr Harley he spoke in a stern tone though with some degree of trepidation and advanced hastily towards the window against which I leaned
The clouds had for some hours been gathering dark and gloomy Just as Augustus had reached the place where I stood a flash of lightning pale yet vivid glanced suddenly across my startled sight and discovered to him the object which had alarmed him
Emma said he in a softened accent taking my trembling and almost lifeless hand how came you here which way did you enter
I answered not—Another flash of lightning still brighter blue and sulphurous illuminated the room succeeded by a loud and long peal of thunder Again the heavens seemed to rend asunder and discover a sheet of livid flame—a crash of thunder sudden loud short immediately followed bespeaking the tempest near I started with a kind of convulsive terror Augustus led me from the window and endeavoured in vain to find the door of the library—the temporary flashes and total darkness by which they were succeeded dazzled and confounded the sight I stumbled over some furniture which stood in the middle of the room and unable to recover my feet which refused any longer to sustain me sunk into the arms of Augustus suffering him to lift me to the sopha He seated himself beside me the storm continued the clouds every moment parting with a horrible noise discovered an abyss of fire while the rain descended in a deluge We silently contemplated this sublime and terrible scene Augustus supported me with one arm while my trembling hand remained in his The tempest soon exhausted itself by its violence—the lightning became less fierce gleaming at intervals—the thunder rolled off to a distance—its protracted sound lengthened by the echoes faintly died away while the rain continued to fall in a still though copious shower
My spirits grew calmer I gently withdrew my hand from that of Mr Harley He once more enquired but in a tone of greater reserve how I had entered the room without his knowledge I explained briefly and frankly my situation and the tender motives by which I had been influenced
It was not possible added I to take leave of this house for ever without recalling a variety of affecting and melancholy ideas—I feel that I have lost my only friend
This world said he may not unaptly be compared to the rapids on the American rivers—We are hurried in a frail bark down the stream—It is in vain to resist its course—happy are those whose voyage is ended
My friend replied I in a faultering voice I could teach my heart to bear your loss—though God knows the lesson has been sufficiently severe—but I know not how with fortitude to see you suffer
Suffering is the common lot of humanity—but pardon me when I say your conduct has not tended to lessen my vexations
My errors have been the errors of affection—Do they deserve this rigor
Their source is not important their consequences have been the same—you make not the allowances you claim
Dear and severe friend—Be not unjust—the confidence which I sought and merited would have been obviated—
I know what you would alledge—that confidence you had reason to judge was of a painful nature—it ought not to have been extorted
If I have been wrong my faults have been severely expiated—if the error has been only mine surely my sufferings have been in proportion seduced by the fervor of my feelings ignorant of your situation if I wildly sought to oblige you to chuse happiness through a medium of my creation—yet to have assured yours was I not willing to risque all my own I perceive my extravagance my views were equally false and romantic—dare I to say—they were the ardent excesses of a generous mind Yes my wildest mistakes had in them a dignified mixture of virtue While the institutions of society war against nature and happiness the mind of energy struggling to emancipate itself will entangle itself in error—
Permit me to ask you interrupted Augustus whether absorbed in your own sensations you allowed yourself to remember and to respect the feelings of others
I could no longer restrain my tears I wept for some moments in silence—Augustus breathed a halfsuppressed sigh and turned from me his face
The pangs which have rent my heart resumed I in low and broken accents have I confess been but too poignant That lacerated heart still bleeds—we have neither of us been guiltless—Alas who is Yet in my bosom severe feelings are not more painful than transient—already have I lost sight of your unkindness God knows how little I merited it in stronger sympathy for your sorrows—whatever be their nature We have both erred—why should we not exchange mutual forgiveness Why should we afflict each other Friendship like charity should suffer all things and be kind
My mind replied he coldly is differently constituted
Unpitying man It would be hard for us if we were all to be judged at so severe a tribunal—you have been a lover added I in a softer tone and can you not forgive the faults of love
He arose visibly agitated—I also stood up—my bosom deeply wounded and unknowing what I did took his hand and pressed it to my lips
You have rudely thrown from you a heart of exquisite sensibility—you have contemned my love and you disdain my friendship—is it brave is it manly added I wildly—almost unconscious of what I said—forgetting at the moment his situation and my own—thus to triumph over a spirit subdued by its affections into unresisting meekness
He broke from me and precipitately quitted the room
I threw myself upon the floor and resting my head on the seat which Augustus had so lately occupied passed the night in cruel conflict—a tempest more terrible than that which had recently spent its force shook my soul The morning dawned ere I had power to remove myself from the fatal spot where the measure of my afflictions seemed filled up—Virtue may conquer weakness but who can bear to be despised by those they love The sun darted its beams full upon me but its splendour appeared mockery—hope and joy were for ever excluded from my benighted spirit The contempt of the world the scoffs of ignorance the contumely of the proud I could have borne without shrinking—but to find myself rejected contemned scorned by him with whom of all mankind my heart claimed kindred by him for whom my youth my health my powers were consuming in silent anguish—who instead of pouring balm into the wound he had inflicted administered only corrosives—It was too painful I felt that I had been a lavish prodigal—that I had become a wretched bankrupt that there was but one way to make me happy and a thousand to make me miserable Enfeebled and exhausted I crawled to my apartment and throwing myself on the bed gave a loose to the agony of my soul
CHAPTER XVI
Under pretence of indisposition I refused to meet the family I heard them depart Too proud to accept of obligation I had not confided to them my plans if plans they could be called where no distinct end was in view
A few hours after their departure I once more seated myself in a stage coach in which I had previously secured a place and took the road to London I perceived on entering the carriage only one passenger who had placed himself in the opposite corner and in whom to my great surprize I immediately recognized Mr Montague We had not met since the visit he had paid me at Mrs Harleys the result of which I have already related since that period it had been reported in the village that he addressed Sarah Morton and that they were about to be united Montague manifested equal surprize at our meeting the intelligence of my friends death at which he expressed real concern had not reached him neither was he acquainted with my being in that part of the country He had not lately been at Mr Mortons he informed me but had just left his fathers and was going to London to complete his medical studies
After these explanations absorbed in painful contemplation I for some time made little other return to his repeated civilities than by cold monosyllables till at length his cordial sympathy his gentle accents and humane attentions awakened me from my reverie Ever accessible to the soothings of kindness I endeavoured to exert myself to prove the sense I felt of his humanity Gratified by having succeeded in attracting my attention he redoubled his efforts to cheer and amuse me My dejected and languid appearance had touched his feelings and towards the end of our journey his unaffected zeal to alleviate the anxiety under which I evidently appeared to labour soothed my mind and inspired me with confidence
He respectfully requested to know in what part of the town I resided and hoped to be permitted to pay his respects to me and to enquire after my welfare This question awakened in my bosom so many complicated and painful sensations that after remaining silent for a few minutes I burst into a flood of tears
I have no home said I in a voice choaked with sobs—I am an alien in the world—and alone in the universe
His eyes glistened his countenance expressed the most lively and tender commiseration while in a timid and respectful voice he made me offers of service and entreated me to permit him to be useful to me
I then mentioned in brief my present unprotected situation and hinted that as my fortune was small I could wish to procure a humble but decent apartment in a reputable family till I had consulted one friend who I yet flattered myself was interested in my concerns or till I could fix on a more eligible method of providing for myself
He informed me—That he had a distant relation in town a decent careful woman who kept a boarding house and whose terms were very reasonable He was assured would I permit him to introduce me to her she would be happy should her accommodation suit me to pay me every attention in her power
In my forlorn situation I confided without hesitation in his recommendation and gratefully acceded to the proposal
Mr Montague introduced me to this lady in the most flattering terms she received me with civility but I fancied not without a slight mixture of distrust I agreed with her for a neat chamber with a sitting room adjoining on the second floor and settled for the terms of my board more than the whole amount of the interest of my little fortune
CHAPTER XVII
I took an early opportunity of addressing a few lines to Mr Francis informing him of my situation and entreating his counsel I waited a week impatiently for his reply but in vain well acquainted with his punctuality and alarmed by this silence I mentioned the step I had taken and my apprehensions to Montague who immediately repaired himself to the house of Mr Francis and finding it shut up was informed by the neighbours that Mr Francis had quitted England a short time before in company with a friend intending to make a continental tour
This intelligence was a new shock to me I called on some of my former acquaintance mentioning to them my wish of procuring pupils or of engaging in any other occupation fitted to my talents I was received by some with civility by others with coldness but every one appeared too much engrossed by his own affairs to give himself the trouble of making any great exertion for others
I returned dispirited—I walked through the crowded city and observed the anxious and busy faces of all around me In the midst of my fellow beings occupied in various pursuits I seemed as if in an immense desart a solitary outcast from society Active industrious willing to employ my faculties in any way by which I might procure an honest independence I beheld no path open to me but that to which my spirit could not submit—the degradation of servitude Hapless woman—crushed by the iron hand of barbarous despotism pampered into weakness and trained the slave of meretricious folly—what wonder that shrinking from the chill blasts of penury which the pernicious habits of thy education have little fitted thy tender frame to encounter thou listenest to the honied accents of the spoiler and to escape the galling chain of servile dependence rushest into the career of infamy from whence the false and cruel morality of the world forbids thy return and perpetuates thy disgrace and misery When will mankind be aware of the uniformity of the importance of truth When will they cease to confound by sexual by political by theological distinctions those immutable principles which form the true basis of virtue and happiness The paltry expedients of combating error with error and prejudice with prejudice in one invariable and melancholy circle have already been sufficiently tried have already been demonstrated futile—they have armed man against man and filled the world with crimes and with blood—How has the benign and gentle nature of Reform been mistated One false idea justly says an acute and philosophic writer20 united with others produces such as are necessarily false which combining again with all those the memory retains give to all a tinge of falsehood One error alone is sufficient to infect the whole mass of the mind, and produce an infinity of capricious monstrous notions—Every vice is the error of the understanding; crimes and prejudices are brothers truth and virtue sisters These things known to the wise are hid from fools
Without a sufficiently interesting pursuit a fatal torpor stole over my spirits—my blood circulated languidly through my veins Montague in the intervals from business and amusement continued to visit me He brought me books read to me chatted with me pressed me to accompany him to places of public entertainment which determined to incur no pecuniary obligation I invariably refused
I received his civilities with the less scruple from the information I had received of his engagement with Miss Morton which with his knowledge of my unhappy attachment I thought precluded every idea of a renewal of those sentiments he had formerly professed for me
In return for his friendship I tried to smile and exerted my spirits to prove my grateful sensibility of his kindness but while he appeared to take a lively interest in my sorrows he carefully avoided a repetition of the language in which he had once addressed me yet at times his tender concern seemed sliding into a sentiment still softer which obliged me to practise more reserve he was not insensible of this and was frequently betrayed into transient bursts of passion and resentment which on my repelling with firmness he would struggle to repress and afterwards absent himself for a time
Unable to devise any method of increasing my income and experiencing the pressure of some daily wants and inconveniencies I determined at length on selling the sum invested in my name in the funds and purchasing a life annuity
Recollecting the name of a banker with whom my uncle the friend of my infancy had formerly kept cash I learned his residence and waiting upon him made myself known as the niece of an old and worthy friend at the same time acquainting him with my intentions—He offered to transact the affair for me immediately the funds being then in a very favourable position and to preserve the money in his hands till an opportunity should offer of laying it out to advantage I gave him proper credentials for the accomplishing of this business and returned to my apartment with a heart somewhat lightened This scheme had never before occurred to me The banker who was a man of commercial reputation had assured me that my fortune might now be sold out with little loss and that by purchasing an annuity on proper security at seven or eight per cent I might with œconomy be enabled to support myself decently with comfort and independence
20 Helvetius
CHAPTER XVIII
Some weeks elapsed and I heard no more from my banker A slight indisposition confined me to the house One evening Mr Montague coming to my apartment to enquire after my health brought with him a newspaper as was his frequent custom and finding me unwell and dispirited began to read some parts from it aloud in the hope of amusing me Among the articles of home intelligence a paragraph stated—The failure of a considerable mercantile house which had created an alarm upon the Exchange as it was apprehended some important consequences would follow in the commercial world A great bankinghouse it was hinted not many miles from —— was likely to be affected by some rumours in connection with this business which had occasioned a considerable run upon it for the last two or three days
My attention was roused—I eagerly held out my hand for the paper and perused this alarming paragraph again and again without observing the surprize expressed in the countenance of Montague who was at a loss to conceive why this intelligence should be affecting to me—I sat for some minutes involved in thought till a question from my companion several times repeated occasioned me to start I immediately recollected myself and tried to reason away my fears as vague and groundless I was about to explain the nature of them to my friend—secretly accusing myself for not having done so sooner and availed myself of his advice when a servant entering put a letter into his hand
Looking upon the seal and superscription he changed colour and opened it hastily Strong emotion was painted in his features while he perused it I regarded him with anxiety He rose from his seat walked up and down the room with a disordered pace—opened the door as if with an intention of going out—shut it—returned back again—threw himself into a chair—covered his face with his handkerchief—appeared in great agitation—and burst into tears I arose went to him and took his hand—My friend said I—I would have added something more—but unable to proceed I sunk into a seat beside him and wept in sympathy He pressed my hand to his lips—folded me wildly in his arms and attempted to speak—but his voice was lost in convulsive sobs I gently withdrew myself and waited in silence till the violence of his emotions should subside He held out to me the letter he had received I perused it It contained an account of the sudden death of his father and a summons for his immediate return to the country to settle the affairs and to take upon him his fathers professional employment
You leave me then said I—I lose my only remaining friend
Never—he replied emphatically
I blushed for having uttered so improper so selfish a remark and endeavoured to atone for it by forgetting the perils of my own situation in attention to that of this ardent but affectionate young man—His sufferings were acute and violent for some days during which he quitted me only at the hours of repose—I devoted myself to sooth and console him I felt that I had been greatly indebted to his friendship and kindness and I endeavoured to repay the obligation He appeared fully sensible of my cares and mingled with his acknowledgments expressions of a tenderness so lively and unequivocal as obliged me once more to be more guarded in my behaviour
In consideration for the situation of Mr Montague—I had forgotten the paragraph in the paper till an accidental intelligence of the bankruptcy of the house in which my little fortune was entrusted confirmed to me the certainty of this terrible blow Montague was sitting with me when I received the unwelcome news
Gracious God I exclaimed clasping my hands and raising my eyes to heaven—What is to become of me now—The measure of my sorrows is filled up
It was some time before I had power to explain the circumstances to my companion
Do not distress yourself my lovely Emma said he I will be your friend—your guardian— and he added in a low yet fervent accent—your husband
No—no—no answered I shaking my head that must not cannot be I would perish rather than take advantage of a generosity like yours I will go to service—I will work for my bread—and if I cannot procure a wretched sustenance—I can but die Life to me has long been worthless
My countenance my voice my manner but too forcibly expressed the keen anguish of my soul I seemed to be marked out for the victim of a merciless destiny—for the child of sorrow The susceptible temper of Montague softened by his own affliction was moved by my distress He repeated and enforced his proposal with all the ardour of a youthful a warm an uncorrupted mind
You add to my distress replied I I have not a heart to bestow—I lavished mine upon one who scorned and contemned it Its sensibility is now exhausted Shall I reward a faithful and generous tenderness like yours with a cold a worthless an alienated mind No no—Seek an object more worthy of you and leave me to my fate
At that moment I had forgotten the report of his engagement with Miss Morton but on his persisting vehemently to urge his suit I recollected and immediately mentioned it to him He confessed—
That stung by my rejection and preference of Mr Harley he had at one period entertained a thought of that nature but that he had fallen out with the family in adjusting the settlements Mrs Morton had persuaded her husband to make what he conceived to be ungenerous requisitions Miss Morton had discovered much artifice but little sensibility on the occasion Disgusted with the apathy of the father the insolence of the mother and the low cunning of the daughter he had abruptly quitted them and broken off all intercourse with the family
It is not necessary to enlarge on this part of my narrative Suffice it to say that after a long contest my desolate situation added to the persevering affection of this enthusiastic young man prevailed over my objections His happiness he told me entirely depended on my decision I would not deceive him—I related to him with simplicity and truth all the circumstances of my past conduct towards Mr Harley He listened to me with evident emotion—interrupted me at times with execrations and once or twice vowing vengeance on Augustus appeared on the verge of outrage But I at length reasoned him into greater moderation and obliged him to do justice to the merit and honour of Mr Harley He acquiesced reluctantly and with an ill grace yet with a loverlike partiality attributed his conduct to causes of which I had discerned no traces He assured himself that the affections of a heart tender as mine would be secured by kindness and assiduity—and I at last yielded to his importunity We were united in a short time and I accompanied my husband to the town of —— in the county of —— the residence of his late father
CHAPTER XIX
Mr Montague presented me to his relations and friends by whom I was received with a flattering distinction My wearied spirits began now to find repose My husband was much occupied in the duties of his profession We had a respectable circle of acquaintance In the intervals of social engagement and domestic employment ever thirsting after knowledge I occasionally applied myself to the study of physic anatomy and surgery with the various branches of science connected with them by which means I frequently rendered myself essentially serviceable to my friend and by exercising my understanding and humanity strengthened my mind and stilled the importunate suggestions of a heart too exquisitely sensible
The manners of Mr Montague were kind and affectionate though subject at times to inequalities and starts of passion he confided in me as his best and truest friend—and I deserved his confidence—yet I frequently observed the restlessness and impetuosity of his disposition with apprehension
I felt for my husband a rational esteem and a grateful affection—but those romantic highwrought frenzied emotions that had rent my heart during its first attachment—that enthusiasm that fanaticism to which opposition had given force the bare recollection of which still shook my soul with anguish no longer existed Montague was but too sensible of this difference which naturally resulted from the change of circumstances and was unreasonable enough to complain of what secured our tranquillity If a cloud sometimes hung over my brow—if I relapsed for a short period into a too habitual melancholy he would grow captious and complain
You esteem me Emma I confide in your principles and I glory in your friendship—but you have never loved me
Why will you be so unjust both to me and to yourself
Tell me then sincerely—I know you will not deceive me—Have you ever felt for me those sentiments with which Augustus Harley inspired you
Certainly not—I do not pretend to it—neither ought you to wish it My first attachment was the morbid excess of a distempered imagination Liberty reason virtue usefulness were the offerings I carried to its shrine It preyed incessantly upon my heart I drank up its vital spirit it became a vice from its excess—it was a pernicious though a sublime enthusiasm—its ravages are scarcely to be remembered without shuddering—all the strength the dignity the powers of my mind melted before it Do you wish again to see me the slave of my passions—do you regret that I am restored to reason To you I owe every thing—life and its comforts rational enjoyments and the opportunity of usefulness I feel for you all the affection that a reasonable and a virtuous mind ought to feel—that affection which is compatible with the fulfilling of other duties We are guilty of vice and selfishness when we yield ourselves up to unbounded desires and suffer our hearts to be wholly absorbed by one object however meritorious that object may be
Ah how calmly you reason—while I listen to you I cannot help loving and admiring you but I must ever hate that accursed Harley—No I am not satisfied—and I sometimes regret that I ever beheld you
Many months glided away with but little interruptions to our tranquillity—A remembrance of the past would at times obtrude itself like the broken recollections of a feverish vision To banish these painful retrospections I hastened to employ myself every hour was devoted to active usefulness or to social and rational recreation
I became a mother in performing the duties of a nurse my affections were awakened to new and sweet emotions—The father of my child appeared more respectable in my eyes became more dear to me the engaging smiles of my little Emma repayed me for every pain and every anxiety While I beheld my husband caress his infant I tasted a pure a chaste an ineffable pleasure
CHAPTER XX
About six weeks after my recovery from childbed some affairs of importance called Mr Montague to London Three days after he had quitted me as bending over the cradle of my babe I contemplated in silence its tranquil slumbers I was alarmed by an uncommon confusion in the lower part of the house Hastening down stairs to enquire into the cause I was informed—that a gentleman in passing through the town had been thrown from his horse that he was taken up senseless and as was customary in cases of accident had been brought into our house that he might receive assistance
Mr Montague was from home a young gentleman who resided with us and assisted my husband in his profession was also absent visiting a patient Having myself acquired some knowledge of surgery I went immediately into the hall to give the necessary directions on the occasion The gentleman was lying on the floor without any signs of life I desired the people to withdraw who crowding round with sincere but useless sympathy obstructed the circulation of air Approaching the unfortunate man I instantly recognised the wellknown features though much altered wan and sunk of Augustus Harley Staggering a few paces backward—a deathlike sickness overspread my heart—a crowd of confused and terrible emotions rushed through my mind—But a momentary reflection recalled my scattered thoughts Once before I had saved from death an object so fatal to my repose I exerted all my powers his hair was clotted and his face disfigured with blood I ordered the servants to raise and carry him to an adjoining apartment wherein was a large low sopha on which they laid him Carefully washing the blood from the wound I found he had received a dangerous contusion in his head but that the scull as I had at first apprehended was not fractured I cut the hair from the wounded part and applied a proper bandage I did more—no other assistance being at hand I ventured to open a vein the blood presently flowed freely and he began to revive I bathed his temples and sprinkled the room with vinegar opened the windows to let the air pass freely through raised his head with the pillows of the sopha and sprinkled his face and breast with cold water I held his hand in mine—I felt the languid and wavering pulse quicken—I fixed my eyes upon his face—at that moment every thing else was forgotten and my nerves seemed firmly braced by my exertions
He at length opened his eyes gazed upon me with a vacant look and vainly attempted for some time to speak At last he uttered a few incoherent words but I perceived his senses were wandering and I conjectured too truly that his brain had received a concussion He made an effort to rise but sunk down again
Where am I said he every object appears to me double
He shut his eyes and remained silent I mixed for him a cordial and composing medicine and entreating him to take it he once more raised himself and looked up—Our eyes met his were wild and unsettled
That voice—said he in a low tone that countenance—Oh God where am I
A strong but transient emotion passed over his features With a trembling hand he seized and swallowed the medicine I had offered and again relapsed into a kind of lethargic stupor I then gave orders for a bed to be prepared into which I had him conveyed I darkened the room and desired that he might be kept perfectly quiet
I retired to my apartment my confinement was yet but recent and I had not perfectly recovered my strength Exhausted by the strong efforts I had made and the stronger agitation of my mind I sunk into a fainting fit to which I was by no means subject and remained for some time in a state of perfect insensibility On my recovery I learnt that Mr Lucas the assistant of my husband had returned and was in the chamber of the stranger I sent for him on his quitting the apartment and eagerly interrogated him respecting the state of the patient He shook his head—I related to him the methods I had taken and enquired whether I had erred He smiled—
You are an excellent surgeon said he you acted very properly but observing my pallid looks I wish your little nursery may not suffer from your humanity—
I lay no claim replied I with emotion—to extraordinary humanity—I would have done the same for the poorest of my fellow creatures—but this gentleman is an old acquaintance a friend whom in the early periods of my life I greatly respected
I am sorry for it for I dare not conceal from you that I think him in a dangerous condition
I changed countenance—There is no fracture no bones are broken—
No but the brain has received an alarming concussion—he is also, otherwise much bruised and I fear has suffered some internal injury
You distress and terrify me said I gasping for breath—What is to be done—shall we call in further advice
I think so in the mean time if you are acquainted with his friends you would do well to apprize them of what has happened
I know little of them I know not where to address them—Oh save him continued I clasping my hands with encreased emotion unconscious of what I did for Gods sake save him if you would preserve me from dis—
A look penetrating and curious from Lucas recalled me to reason Commending his patient to my care he quitted me and rode to the next town to procure the aid of a skilful and experienced Physician I walked up and down the room for some time in a state of distraction
He will die—exclaimed I—die in my house—fatal accident Oh Augustus too tenderly beloved thou wert fated to be the ruin of my peace But whatever may be the consequences I will perform for thee the last tender offices—I will not desert my duty
The nurse brought to me my infant it smiled in my face—I pressed it to my bosom—I wept over it—How could I from that agitated bosom give it a pernicious sustenance
CHAPTER XXI
In the evening I repaired to the chamber of Mr Harley I sat by his bedside I gazed mournfully on his flushed but vacant countenance—I took his hand—it was dry and burning—the pulse beat rapidly but irregularly beneath my trembling fingers His lips moved he seemed to speak though inarticulately—but sometimes raising his voice I could distinguish a few incoherent sentences In casting my eyes round the room I observed the scattered articles of his dress his cloaths were black and in his hat which lay on the ground I discovered a crape hatband I continued to hold his burning hand in mine
She died—said he—and my unkindness killed her—unhappy Emma—thy heart was too tender—I shuddered—No no—continued he after a few minutes pause she is not married—she dared not give her hand without her heart and that heart was only mine he added something more in a lower tone which I was unable to distinguish
Overcome by a variety of sensations I sunk into a chair and throwing my handkerchief over my face indulged my tears
Sometimes he mentioned his wife sometimes his mother—At length speaking rapidly in a raised voice—My son—said he thou hast no mother—but Emma will be a mother to thee—she will love thee—she loved thy father—her heart was the residence of gentle affections—yet I pierced that heart
I suspected that a confused recollection of having seen me on recovering from the state of insensibility in which he had been brought after the accident into our house had probably recalled the associations formerly connected with this idea The scene became too affecting I rushed from the apartment All the past impressions seemed to revive in my mind—my thoughts with fatal mechanism ran back into their old and accustomed channels—For a moment conjugal maternal duties every consideration but for one object faded from before me
In a few hours Mr Lucas returned with the physician—I attended them to the chamber heedfully watching their looks The fever still continued very high accompanied with a labouring unsteady pulse a difficult respiration and strong palpitations of the heart The doctor said little but I discovered his apprehensions in his countenance The patient appeared particularly restless and uneasy and the delirium still continued On quitting the apartment I earnestly conjured the gentlemen to tell me their opinion of the case They both expressed an apprehension of internal injury
But a short time they added would determine it in the mean while he must be kept perfectly still
I turned from them and walked to the window—I raised my eyes to heaven—I breathed an involuntary ejaculation—I felt that the crisis of my fate was approaching and I endeavoured to steel my nerves—to prepare my mind for the arduous duties which awaited me
Mr Lucas approached me the physician having quitted the room Mrs Montague said he in an emphatic tone—in your sympathy for a stranger do not forget other relations
I do not need sir to be reminded by you of my duties were not the sufferings of a fellow being a sufficient claim upon our humanity this gentleman has more affecting claims—I am neither a stranger to him nor to his virtues
So I perceive madam said he with an air a little sarcastic I wish Mr Montague were here to participate your cares
I wish he were sir his generous nature would not disallow them I spoke haughtily and abruptly left him
I took a turn in the garden endeavouring to compose my spirits and after visiting the nursery returned to the chamber of Mr Harley I there found Mr Lucas and in a steady tone declared my intention of watching his patient through the night
As you please madam said he coldly
I seated myself in an easy chair reclining my head on my hand The bed curtains were undrawn on the side next me Augustus frequently started as from broken slumbers his respiration grew every moment more difficult and laborious and sometimes he groaned heavily as if in great pain Once he suddenly raised himself in the bed and gazing wildly round the room exclaimed in a distinct but hurried tone—
Why dost thou persecute me with thy illfated tenderness A fathomless gulf separates us—Emma added he in a plaintive voice dost thou indeed still love me and heaving a convulsive sigh sunk again on his pillow
Mr Lucas who stood at the feet of the bed turned his eye on me I met his glance with the steady aspect of conscious rectitude About midnight our patient grew worse and after strong agonies was seized with a vomiting of blood The fears of the physician were but too well verified he had again ruptured the bloodvessel once before broken
Mr Lucas had but just retired I ordered him to be instantly recalled and stifling every feeling that might incapacitate me for active exertion I rendered him all the assistance in my power—I neither trembled nor shed a tear—I banished the woman from my heart—I acquitted myself with a firmness that would not have disgraced the most experienced and veteran surgeon My services were materially useful my solicitude vanquished every shrinking sensibility affection had converted me into a heroine The hæmorrhage continued at intervals all the next day I passed once or twice from the chamber to the nursery and immediately returned We called in a consultation but little hope was afforded
The next night Mr Lucas and myself continued to watch—towards morning our exhausted patient sunk into an apparently tranquil slumber Mr Lucas intreated me to retire and take some repose on my refusal he availed himself of the opportunity and went to his apartment desiring to be called if any change should take place The nurse slept soundly in her chair I alone remained watching—I felt neither fatigue nor languor—my strength seemed preserved as by a miracle so omnipotent is the operation of moral causes
Silence reigned throughout the house I hung over the object of my tender cares—his features were serene—but his cheeks and lips were pale and bloodless From time to time I took his lifeless hand—a low fluttering pulse sometimes seeming to stop and then to vibrate with a tremulous motion but too plainly justified my fears—his breath though less laborious was quick and short—a cold dew hung upon his temples—I gently wiped them with my handkerchief and pressed my lips to his forehead Yet at that moment that solemn moment—while I beheld the object of my virgin affections—whom I had loved with a tenderness passing the love of woman—expiring before my eyes—I forgot not that I was a wife and a mother—The purity of my feelings sanctified their enthusiasm
The day had far advanced though the house still remained quiet when Augustus after a deep drawn sigh opened his eyes The loss of blood had calmed the delirium and though he regarded me attentively and with evident surprize the wildness of his eyes and countenance had given place to their accustomed steady expression He spoke in a faint voice
Where am I how came I here
I drew nearer to him—An unfortunate accident has thrown you into the care of kind friends—you have been very ill—it is not proper that you should exert yourself—rely on those to whom your safety is precious
He looked at me as I spoke—his eyes glistened—he breathed a half smothered sigh but attempted not to reply He continued to doze at intervals throughout the day but evidently grew weaker every hour—I quitted him not for a moment even my nursery was forgotten I sat or knelt at the beds head and between his short and broken slumbers administered cordial medicines He seemed to take them with pleasure from my hand and a mournful tenderness at times beamed in his eyes I neither spake nor wept—my strength appeared equal to every trial
In the evening starting from a troubled sleep he fell into convulsions—I kept my station—our efforts were successful—he again revived I supported the pillows on which his head reclined sprinkled the bed cloaths and bathed his temples with hungary water while I wiped from them the damps of death A few tears at length forced their way they fell upon his hand which rested on the pillow—he kissed them off and raised to mine his languid eyes in which death was already painted
The blood forsaking the extremities rushed wildly to my heart a strong palpitation seized it my fortitude had well nigh forsaken me But I had been habituated to subdue my feelings and should I suffer them to disturb the last moments of him who had taught me this painful lesson He made a sign for a cordial an attendant offering one—he waved his hand and turned from her his face—I took it—held it to his lips and he instantly drank it Another strong emotion shook my nerves—once more I struggled and gained the victory He spoke in feeble and interrupted periods—kneeling down scarce daring to breathe I listened
I have a son said he—I am dying—he will have no longer a parent—transfer to him a portion of—
I comprehend you—say no more—he is mine—I adopt him—where shall I find—
He pointed to his cloaths—a pocket book—said he in accents still fainter
Enough—I swear in this awful moment never to forsake him
He raised my hand to his lips—a tender smile illumined his countenance—Surely said he I have sufficiently fulfilled the dictates of a rigid honour—In these last moments—when every earthly tie is dissolving—when human institutions fade before my sight—I may without a crime tell you—that I have loved you—Your tenderness early penetrated my heart—aware of its weakness—I sought to shun you—I imposed on myself those severe laws of which you causelessly complained—Had my conduct been less rigid I had been lost—I had been unjust to the bonds which I had voluntarily contracted and which therefore had on me indispensible claims I acted from good motives but no doubt was guilty of some errors—yet my conflicts were even more cruel than yours—I had not only to contend against my own sensibility but against yours also—The fire which is pent up burns the fiercest—
He ceased to speak—a transient glow which had lighted up his countenance faded—exhausted by the strong effort he had made he sunk back—his eyes grew dim—they closed—their last light beamed on me—I caught him in my arms—and—he awoke no more The spirits that had hitherto supported me suddenly subsided I uttered a piercing shriek and sunk upon the body
CHAPTER XXII
Many weeks passed of which I have no remembrance they were a blank in my life—a long life of sorrow When restored to recollection I found myself in my own chamber my husband attending me It was a long time before I could clearly retrace the images of the past I learned—
That I had been seized with a nervous fever in consequence of having exerted myself beyond my strength that my head had been disordered that Mr Montague on his return finding me in this situation of which Mr Lucas had explained the causes, had been absorbed in deep affliction that inattentive to every other concern he had scarcely quitted my apartment that my child had been sent out to nurse and that my recovery had been despaired of
My constitution was impaired by these repeated shocks I continued several months in a low and debilitated state—With returning reason I recalled to my remembrance the charge which Augustus had consigned to me in his last moments I enquired earnestly for the pocketbook he had mentioned and was informed that after his decease it had been found and its contents examined which were a bank note of fifty pounds some letters and memorandums Among the letters was one from his brother by which means they had learned his address and had been enabled to transmit to him an account of the melancholy catastrophe and to request his orders respecting the disposal of the body On the receipt of this intelligence the younger Mr Harley had come immediately into ——shire had received his brothers effects and had his remains decently and respectfully interred in the town where the fatal accident had taken place through which he was passing in his way to visit a friend
As soon as I had strength to hold a pen I wrote to this gentleman mentioning the tender office which had been consigned to me and requesting that the child or children of Mr Augustus Harley might be consigned to my care To this letter I received an answer in a few days hinting—
That the marriage of my deceased friend had not been more imprudent than unfortunate that he had struggled with great difficulties and many sorrows that his wife had been dead near a twelvemonth that he had lost two of his children about the same period with the smallpox one only surviving the younger a son a year and a half old that it was at present at nurse under his his brothers protection that his respect for me and knowledge of my friendship for their family added to his wish of complying with every request of his deceased brother prevented him from hesitating a moment respecting the propriety of yielding the child to my care that it should be delivered to any person whom I should commission for the purpose and that I might draw upon him for the necessary charges towards the support and education of his nephew
I mentioned to Mr Montague these particulars with a desire of availing myself of his counsel and assistance on the occasion
You are free madam he replied with a cold and distant air to act as you shall think proper but you must excuse me from making myself responsible in this affair
I sighed deeply I perceived but too plainly that a mortal blow was given to my tranquillity but I determined to persevere in what I considered to be my duty On the retrospect of my conduct my heart acquitted me and I endeavoured to submit without repining to my fate
I was at this period informed by a faithful servant who attended me during my illness of what I had before but too truly conjectured—That in my delirium I had incessantly called upon the name of Augustus Harley and repeated at intervals in broken language the circumstances of our last tender and fatal interview this with some particulars related by Mr Lucas to Mr Montague on his return had it seems at the time inflamed the irascible passions of my husband almost to madness His transports had subsided by degrees into gloomy reserve he had watched me till my recovery with unremitting attention since which his confidence and affection became every day more visibly alienated Selfrespect suppressed my complaints—conscious of deserving even more than ever his esteem I bore his caprice with patience trusting that time and my conduct would restore him to reason and awaken in his heart a sense of justice
I sent for my babe from the house of the nurse to whose care it had been confided during my illness and placed the little Augustus in its stead It is unnecessary my friend to say that you were that lovely and interesting child—Oh with what emotion did I receive and press you to my careworn bosom retracing in your smiling countenance the features of your unfortunate father Adopting you for my own I divided my affection between you and my Emma Scarce a day passed that I did not visit the cottage of your nurse I taught you to call me by the endearing name of mother I delighted to see you caress my infant with fraternal tenderness—I endeavoured to cherish this growing affection and found a sweet relief from my sorrows in these tender maternal cares
CHAPTER XXIII
My health being considerably injured I had taken a young woman into my house to assist me in the nursery and in other domestic offices She was in her eighteenth year—simple modest and innocent This girl had resided with me for some months I had been kind to her and she seemed attached to me One morning going suddenly into Mr Montagues dressingroom I surprised Rachel sitting on a sopha with her master—he held her hand in his while his arm was thrown round her waist and they appeared to be engaged in earnest conversation They both started on my entrance—Unwilling to encrease their confusion I quitted the room
Montague on our meeting at dinner affected an air of unconcern but there was an apparent constraint in his behaviour I preserved towards him my accustomed manner till the servants had withdrawn I then mildly expostulated with him on the impropriety of his behaviour His replies were not more unkind than ungenerous—they pierced my heart
It is well sir I am inured to suffering but it is not of myself that I would speak I have not deserved to lose your confidence—this is my consolation—yet I submit to it—but I cannot see you act in a manner that will probably involve you in vexation and intail upon you remorse without warning you of your danger Should you corrupt the innocence of this girl she is emphatically ruined It is the strong mind only that firmly resting on its own powers can sustain and recover itself amidst the worlds scorn and injustice The morality of an uncultivated understanding is that of custom not of reason: break down the feeble barrier and there is nothing to supply its place—you open the floodgates of infamy and wretchedness Who can say where the evil may stop
You are at liberty to discharge your servant when you please madam
I think it my duty to do so Mr Montague—not on my own but on her account If I have no claim upon your affection and principles I would disdain to watch your conduct But I feel myself attached to this young woman and would wish to preserve her from destruction
You are very generous but as you thought fit to bestow on me your hand when your heart was devoted to another—
It is enough sir—To your justice only in your cooler moments would I appeal
I procured for Rachel a reputable place in a distant part of the county—Before she quitted me I seriously and affectionately remonstrated with her on the consequences of her behaviour She answered me only with tears and blushes
In vain I tried to rectify the principles, and subdue the cruel prejudices of my husband I endeavoured to shew him every mark of affection and confidence I frequently expostulated with him upon his conduct with tears—urged him to respect himself and me—strove to convince him of the false principles upon which he acted—of the senseless and barbarous manner in which he was sacrificing my peace and his own to a romantic chimera Sometimes he would appear for a moment melted with my tender and fervent entreaties
Would to God he would say with emotion the last six months of my life could be obliterated for ever from my remembrance
He was no longer active and chearful he would sit for hours involved in deep and gloomy silence When I brought the little Emma to soften by her engaging caresses the anxieties by which his spirits appeared to be overwhelmed he would gaze wildly upon her—snatch her to his breast—and then suddenly throwing her from him rush out of the house and inattentive to the duties of his profession absent himself for days and nights together—his temper grew every hour more furious and unequal
He by accident one evening met the little Augustus as his nurse was carrying him from my apartment and breaking rudely into the room overwhelmed me with a torrent of abuse and reproaches I submitted to his injustice with silent grief—my spirits were utterly broken At times he would seem to be sensible of the impropriety of his conduct—would execrate himself and entreat my forgiveness—but quickly relapsed into his accustomed paroxysms which from having been indulged were now become habitual and uncontroulable These agitations seemed daily to encrease—all my efforts to regain his confidence—my patient unremitted attentions—were fruitless He shunned me—he appeared even to regard me with horror I wept in silence The hours which I passed with my children afforded me my only consolation—they became painfully dear to me Attending to their little sports and innocent gambols I forgot for a moment my griefs
CHAPTER XXIV
Some months thus passed away with little variation in my situation Returning home one morning early from the nurses where I had left my Emma with Augustus whom I never now permitted to be brought to my own house as I entered Mr Montague shot suddenly by me and rushed up stairs towards his apartment I saw him but transiently as he passed but his haggard countenance and furious gestures filled me with dismay He had been from home the preceding night but to these absences I had lately been too much accustomed to regard them as any thing extraordinary I hesitated a few moments whether I should follow him I feared lest I might exasperate him by so doing yet the unusual disorder of his appearance gave me a thousand terrible and nameless apprehensions I crept toward the door of his apartment—listened attentively and heard him walking up and down the room with hasty steps—sometimes he appeared to stop and groaned heavily—once I heard him throw up the sash and shut it again with violence
I attempted to open the door but finding it locked my terror increased—I knocked gently but could not attract his attention At length I recollected another door that led to this apartment through my own chamber which was fastened on the outside and seldom opened With trembling steps I hurried round and on entering the room beheld him sitting at a table a pen in his hand and paper before him On the table lay his pistols—his hair was dishevelled—his dress disordered—his features distorted with emotion—while in his countenance was painted the extreme of horror and despair
I uttered a faint shriek and sunk into a chair He started from his seat and advancing towards me with hurried and tremulous steps sternly demanded Why I intruded on his retirement I threw myself at his feet—I folded my arms round him—I wept—I deprecated his anger—I entreated to be heard—I said all that humanity all that the most tender and lively sympathy could suggest to inspire him with confidence—to induce him to relieve by communication the burthen which oppressed his heart—He struggled to free himself from me—my apprehensions gave me strength—I held him with a strenuous grasp—he raved—he stamped—he tore his hair—his passion became frenzy At length forcibly bursting from him I fell on the floor and the blood gushed from my nose and lips He shuddered convulsively—stood a few moments as if irresolute—and then throwing himself beside me raised me from the ground and clasping me to his heart which throbbed tumultuously burst into a flood of tears
I will not be thy murderer Emma said he in a voice of agony interrupted by heartrending sobs—I have had enough of blood
I tried to sooth him—I assured him I was not hurt—I besought him to confide his sorrows to the faithful bosom of his wife He appeared softened—his tears flowed without controul
Unhappy woman—you know not what you ask To be ingenuous belongs to purity like yours—Guilt black as hell—conscious aggravated damnable guilt—Your fatal attachment—my accursed jealousy—Ah Emma I have injured you—but you are indeed revenged
Every feature seemed to work—seemed pregnant with dreadful meaning—he was relapsing into frenzy
Be calm my friend—be not unjust to yourself—you can have committed no injury that I shall not willingly forgive—you are incapable of persisting in guilt The ingenuous mind that avows has already made half the reparation Suffer me to learn the source of your inquietude I may find much to extenuate—I may be able to convince you that you are too severe to yourself
Never never never—nothing can extenuate—the expiation must be made—Excellent admirable woman—Remember without hating the wretch who has been unworthy of you—who could not conceive who knew not how to estimate your virtues—Oh—do not—do not—straining me to his bosom—curse my memory
He started from the ground and in a moment was out of sight
I raised myself with difficulty—faint tottering gasping for breath I attempted to descend the stairs I had scarcely reached the landingplace when a violent knocking at the door shook my whole frame I stood still clinging to the balustrade unable to proceed I heard a chaise draw up—a servant opening the door—a plainlooking countryman alighted and desired instantly to speak to the lady of the house—his business was he said of life and death I advanced towards him pale and trembling
What is the matter my friend—whence came you
I cannot stop lady to explain myself—you must come with me—I will tell you more as we go along
Do you come enquired I in a voice scarcely articulate from my husband
No—no—I come from a person who is dying who has somewhat of consequence to impart to you—Hasten lady—there is no time to lose
Lead then I follow you
He helped me into the chaise and we drove off with the rapidity of lightning
CHAPTER XXV
I asked no more questions on the road but attempted to fortify my mind for the scenes which I foreboded were approaching After about an hours ride we stopped at a small neat cottage embosomed in trees standing alone at a considerable distance from the highroad A decentlooking elderly woman came to the door at the sound of the carriage and assisted me to alight In her countenance were evident marks of perturbation and horror I asked for a glass of water and having drank it followed the woman at her request up stairs She seemed inclined to talk but I gave her no encouragement—I knew not what awaited me nor what exertions might be requisite—I determined not to exhaust my spirits unnecessarily
On entering a small chamber I observed a bed with the curtains closely drawn I advanced towards it and unfolding them beheld the unhappy Rachel lying in a state of apparent insensibility
She is dying whispered the woman she has been in strong convulsions but she could not die in peace without seeing Madam Montague and obtaining her forgiveness
I approached the unfortunate girl and took her lifeless hand—A feeble pulse still trembled—I gazed upon her for some moments in silence—She heaved a deep sigh—her lips moved inarticulately She at length opened her eyes and fixing them upon me the blood seemed to rush through her languid frame—reanimating it She sprung up in the bed and clasping her hands together uttered a few incoherent words
Be pacified my dear—I am not angry with you—I feel only pity
She looked wildly Ah my dear lady I am a wicked girl—but not—Oh no—not a murderer I did not—indeed I did not—murder my child
A cold tremor seized me—I turned heartsick—a sensation of horror thrilled through my veins
My dear my kind mistress resumed the wretched girl can you forgive me—Oh that cruel barbarous man—It was he who did it—indeed it was he who did it Distraction glared in her eyes
I do forgive you said I in broken accents I will take care of you—but you must be calm
I will—I will—replied she in a rapid tone of voice—but do not send me to prison—I did not murder it—Oh my child my child continued she in a screaming tone of frantic violence and was again seized with strong convulsions
We administered all the assistance in our power I endeavoured with success to stifle my emotions in the active duties of humanity Rachel once more revived After earnestly commending her to the care of the good woman of the house and promising to send medicines and nourishment proper for her situation and to reward their attentions—desiring that she might be kept perfectly still and not be suffered to talk on subjects that agitated her—I quitted the place presaging but too much and not having at that time the courage to make further enquiries
CHAPTER XXVI
On entering my own house my heart misgave me I enquired with trepidation for my husband and was informed—That he had returned soon after my departure and had shut himself in his apartment that on being followed by Mr Lucas he had turned fiercely upon him commanding him in an imperious tone instantly to leave him adding he had affairs of importance to transact and should any one dare to intrude on him it would be at the peril of their lives All the family appeared in consternation but no one had presumed to disobey the orders of their master—They expressed their satisfaction at my return—Alas I was impotent to relieve the apprehensions which I too plainly perceived had taken possession of their minds
I retired to my chamber and with a trembling hand traced and addressed to my husband a few incoherent lines—briefly hinting my suspicions respecting the late transactions—exhorting him to provide for his safety and offering to be the companion of his flight I added—Let us reap wisdom from these tragical consequences of indulged passion It is not to atone for the past error by cutting off the prospect of future usefulness—Repentance for what can never be recalled is absurd and vain but as it affords a lesson for the time to come—do not let us wilfully forfeit the fruits of our dearbought experience I will never reproach you Virtuous resolution and time may yet heal these aggravated wounds Dear Montague be no longer the slave of error inflict not on my tortured mind new and more insupportable terrors I await your directions—let us fly—let us summon our fortitude—let us at length bravely stem the tide of passion—let us beware of the criminal pusillanimity of despair
With faultering steps I sought the apartment of my husband I listened a moment at the door—and hearing him in motion while profound sighs burst every instant from his bosom I slid my paper under the door unfolded that it might be the more likely to attract his attention Presently I had the satisfaction of hearing him take it up After some minutes a slip of paper was returned by the same method which I had adopted in which was written in characters blotted and scarcely legible the following words—
Leave me one half hour to my reflections at the end of that period be assured I will see or write to you
I knew him to be incapable of falsehood—my heart palpitated with hope I went to my chamber and passed the interval in a thousand cruel reflections and vague plans for our sudden departure Near an hour had elapsed when the bell rang I started breathless from my seat A servant passed my door to take his masters orders He returned instantly and meeting me in the passage delivered to me a letter I heard Montague again lock the door—Disappointed I reentered my chamber In my haste to get at the contents of the paper I almost tore it in pieces—the words swam before my sight I held it for some moments in my hand incapable of decyphering the fatal characters I breathed with difficulty—all the powers of life seemed suspended—when the report of a pistol roused me to a sense of confused horror—Rushing forward I burst with preternatural strength into the apartment of my husband—What a spectacle—Assistance was vain—Montague—the impetuous illfated Montague—was no more—was a mangled corpse—Rash unfortunate young man
But why should I harrow up your susceptible mind by dwelling on these cruel scenes Ah suffer me to spread a veil over this fearful catastrophe Some time elapsed ere I had fortitude to examine the paper addressed to me by my unfortunate husband Its contents which were as follows affected me with deep and mingled emotions
TO MRS MONTAGUE
Amidst the reflections which press by turns upon my burning brain an obscure consciousness of the prejudices upon which my character has been formed is not the least torturing—because I feel the inveterate force of habit—I feel that my convictions come too late
I have destroyed myself and you dearest most generous and most unfortunate of women I am a monster—I have seduced innocence and embrued my hands in blood—Oh God—Oh God—Tis there distraction lies—I would circumstantially retrace my errors but my disordered mind and quivering hand refuse the cruel task—yet it is necessary that I should attempt a brief sketch
After the cruel accident which destroyed our tranquillity I nourished my senseless jealousies the sources of which I need not now recapitulate till I persuaded myself—injurious wretch that I was—that I had been perfidiously and ungenerously treated Stung by false pride I tried to harden my heart and foolishly thirsted for revenge Your meekness and magnanimity disappointed me—I would willingly have seen you not only suffer the pangs but express the rage of a slighted wife The simple victim of my baseness by the artless affection she expressed for me gained an ascendency over my mind and when you removed her from your house we still contrived at times to meet The consequences of our intercourse could not long be concealed It was then that I first began to open my eyes on my conduct and to be seized with remorse—Rachel now wept incessantly Her father she told me was a stern and severe man and should he hear of her misconduct would she was certain be her destruction I procured for her an obscure retreat to which I removed the unhappy girl Oh how degrading is vice under false pretences I exhorted her to conceal her situation—to pretend that her health was in a declining state—and I visited her from time to time as in my profession
This poor young creature continued to bewail the disgrace she anticipated—her lamentations pierced my soul I recalled to my remembrance your emphatic caution I foresaw that with the loss of her character this simple girls misfortune and degradation would be irretrievable and I could now plainly distinguish the morality of rule from that of principle Pursuing this train of reasoning, I entangled myself for my views were not yet sufficiently clear and comprehensible Bewildered amidst contending principles—distracted by a variety of emotions—in seeking a remedy for one vice I plunged as is but too common into others of a more scarlet dye With shame and horror I confess I repeatedly tried by medical drugs to procure an abortive birth the strength and vigour of Rachels constitution defeated this diabolical purpose Foiled in these attempts I became hardened desperate and barbarous
Six weeks before the allotted period the infant saw the light—for a moment—to close its eyes on it for ever I only was with the unhappy mother I had formed no deliberate purpose—I had not yet arrived at the acme of guilt—but perceiving from the babes premature birth and the consequences of the pernicious potions which had been administered to the mother that the vital flame played but feebly—that life was but as a quivering uncertain spark—a sudden and terrible thought darted through my mind I know not whether my emotion betrayed me to the ear of Rachel—but suddenly throwing back the curtain of the bed she beheld me grasp—with savage ferocity—with murderous hands—Springing from the bed and throwing herself upon me—her piercing shrieks—
I can no more—of the rest you seem from whatever means but too well informed
I need not say—protect if she survive the miserable mother—To you whose heavenly goodness I have so ill requited it would be injurious as unnecessary I read too late the heart I have insulted
I have settled the disposal of my effects—I have commanded my feelings to give you this last sad proof of my confidence—Kneeling I entreat your forgiveness for the sufferings I have caused you I found your heart wounded—and into those festering wounds I infused a deadly venom—curse not my memory—We meet no more
Farewel first and last and only beloved of women—a long—a long farewel
Montague
These are the consequences of confused systems of morals—and thus it is that minds of the highest hope and fairest prospect are blasted
CHAPTER XXVII
The unhappy Rachel recovered her health by slow degrees I had determined when my affairs were settled to leave a spot that had been the scene of so many tragical events I proposed to the poor girl to take her again into my family to which she acceded with rapture She has never since quitted me and her faithful services and humble grateful attachment have repaid my protection an hundred fold
Mr Montague left ten thousand pounds the half of which was settled on his daughter the remainder left to my disposal This determined me to adopt you wholly for my son I wrote to your uncle to that purport taking upon myself the entire charge of your education and entreating that you might never know unless informed by myself to whom you owed your birth That you should continue to think me your mother flattered my tenderness nor was my Emma herself more dear to me
I retired in a few months to my present residence sharing my heart and my attentions between my children who grew up under my fostering care lovely and beloved
While every day soft as it rolld along
Shewd some new charm
I observed your affection for each other with a flattering presage With the features of your father you inherited his intrepidity and manly virtues—even at times I thought I perceived the seeds of his inflexible spirit but the caresses of my Emma more fortunate than her mother—yet with all her mothers sensibility—could in an instant soften you to tenderness and melt you into infantine sweetness
I endeavoured to form your young minds to every active virtue to every generous sentiment—You received from the same masters the same lessons till you attained your twelfth year and my Emma emulated and sometimes outstripped your progress I observed with a mixture of hope and solicitude her lively capacity—her enthusiastic affections while I laboured to moderate and regulate them
It now became necessary that your educations should take a somewhat different direction I wished to fit you for a commercial line of life but the ardor you discovered for science and literature occasioned me some perplexity as I feared it might unfit you for application to trade in the pursuit of which so many talents are swallowed up and powers wasted Yet as to the professions my objections were still more serious—The study of law is the study of chicanery—The church the school of hypocrisy and usurpation You could only enter the universities by a moral degradation that must check the freedom and contaminate the purity of the mind, and entangling it in an inexplicable maze of error and contradiction poison virtue at its source and lay the foundation for a duplicity of character and a perversion of reason, destructive of every manly principle of integrity For the science of physic you expressed a disinclination A neighbouring gentleman a surveyor a man high in his profession and of liberal manners to whose friendship I was indebted offered to take you You were delighted with this proposal to which I had no particular objection as you had a taste for drawing and architecture
Our separation though you were to reside in the same town cost us many tears—I loved you with more than a mothers fondness—and my Emma clung round the neck of her beloved brother her Augustus her playfellow and sobbed on his bosom It was with difficulty that you could disentangle yourself from our embraces Every moment of leisure you flew to us—my Emma learned from you to draw plans and to study the laws of proportion Every little exuberance in your disposition which generated by a noble pride sometimes wore the features of asperity was soothed into peace by her gentleness and affection while she delighted to emulate your fortitude and to rise superior to the feebleness fostered in her sex under the specious name of delicacy Your mutual attachment encreased with your years I renewed my existence in my children and anticipated their more perfect union
Ah my son need I proceed Must I continually blot the page with the tale of sorrow Can I tear open again can I cause to bleed afresh in your heart and my own wounds scarcely closed In her fourteenth year in the spring of life your Emma and mine lovely and fragile blossom was blighted by a killing frost—After a few days illness she drooped faded languished and died
It was now that I felt—That no agonies were like the agonies of a mother My broken spirits from these repeated sorrows sunk into habitual hopeless dejection Prospects that I had meditated with ineffable delight were for ever veiled in darkness Every earthly tie was broken except that which bound you to my desolated heart with a still stronger cord of affection You wept in my arms the loss of her whom you yet fondly believed your sister—I cherished the illusion lest by dissolving it I should weaken your confidence in my maternal love weaken that tenderness which was now my only consolation
TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY
My Augustus my more than son around whom my spirit longing for dissolution still continues to flutter I have unfolded the errors of my past life—I have traced them to their source—I have laid bare my mind before you that the experiments which have been made upon it may be beneficial to yours It has been a painful and a humiliating recital—the retrospection has been marked with anguish As the enthusiasm—as the passions of my youth—have passed in review before me long forgotten emotions have been revived in my lacerated heart—it has been again torn with the pangs of contemned love—the disappointment of rational plans of usefulness—the dissolution of the darling hopes of maternal pride and fondness The frost of a premature age sheds its snows upon my temples the ravages of a sickly mind shake my tottering frame The morning dawns the evening closes upon me the seasons revolve without hope the sun shines the spring returns but to me it is mockery
And is this all of human life—this that passes like a tale that is told Alas it is a tragical tale Friendship was the star whose cheering influence I courted to beam upon my benighted course The social affections were necessary to my existence but they have been only inlets to sorrow—yet still I bind them to my heart
Hitherto there seems to have been something strangely wrong in the constitutions of society—a lurking poison that spreads its contagion far and wide—a canker at the root of private virtue and private happiness—a principle of deception that sanctifies error—a Circean cup that lulls into a fatal intoxication But men begin to think and reason reformation dawns though the advance is tardy Moral martyrdom may possibly be the fate of those who press forward yet their generous efforts will not be lost—Posterity will plant the olive and the laurel and consecrate their mingled branches to the memory of such who daring to trace to their springs errors the most hoary and prejudices the most venerated emancipate the human mind from the trammels of superstition and teach it that its true dignity and virtue consist in being free
Ere I sink into the grave let me behold the son of my affections the living image of him whose destiny involved mine who gave an early but a mortal blow to all my worldly expectations—let me behold my Augustus escaped from the tyranny of the passions restored to reason to the vigor of his mind to self controul to the dignity of active intrepid virtue
The dawn of my life glowed with the promise of a fair and bright day before its noon thick clouds gathered its midday was gloomy and tempestuous—It remains with thee my friend to gild with a mild radiance the closing evening before the scene shuts and veils the prospect in impenetrable darkness