THERE cannot be any thing 10 fallacious as the cavils of those authors who complain of being unjustly treated by the public The judgment of the public like those laws to which they owe their existence as a respected and a happy people—spight of the factious few whose impotent clamour serves as its shadow to display the light of reason—never fails to decide firmly yet indulgently and nothing can more completely confirm character and security than the dispassionate determination of the one and the unbiassed decision of the other
But though the judgment of the public and the laws of the land contain in themselves all we know of reason and equity yet nothing can be so difficult as to make a fair appeal to either The sons of chicane in both so clog up the course and so poison the air that the career is fatiguing and dangerous
and thus many with fair pretensions turn back their pursuits and purposes unaccomplished and rather resign the honours of the race than strive to reach a delusive goal to obtain an unavailing victory
Perhaps the painter who had been ruined by going to law without bringing any thing to issue had these ideas in his mind when he drew a picture of justice supported by hunger and thirst
But I shall leave those laws which the prudence of our forefathers has established for the security of property—which are in this country a monument of sober reflection sound wisdom and solid judgment which are, at this moment dispensed by men of brilliant talents correct information and invincible integrity and which are only inconvenient because they are abused inefficient because their essence is perverted and oppressive because they are held out as snares for the good and the worthy by the wicked and the worthless—and speak of those other laws which civilization has established
for the security of fame and which being of a wider extent and without so decided a criterion are productive of much more sportive mischief than the others both because the scribbling pettifoggers have warmer imaginations than the legal ones and because their nefarious freaks though full as rascally may be exercised with impunity
According to this illicit lawyers—for I really ought to make this distinction—so they possess a plentiful stock of cunning and craft need not be overburdened with intellects but this is not the case with the other class Illicit writers cannot combat opinions without some stock of general information their competitors being men of abilities and thus it happens that as you may call a lawyer a dunce and welcome so you do not call him a rogue so you may call a scribbler a rogue and welcome so you do not call him a dunce which is like Footes stroke at a society who sometime ago set themselves up as reformers under the appellation of The Christian Club
Having talked of hanging and being told that such an insinuation would give offence for that a brother of one of the members had been hanged he changes his ground and talks of damning—
That is right says the other damn as much as you please for though the Christian club may have some fears of the gallows they do not value damnation of a brass farthing
The truth of this distinction which I have made will I think be pretty clearly established by a consideration that the traffic of the lawyers depends on certain things called goods chattles houses hereditaments—in short any thing that can be conveyed—whereas the scribblers cannot always convey the object of their traffic even in idea A lampoon is not attachable or if it were it would be of no value There is nothing tangible in a modern Pindaric ode or if there were as Shakespeare has it
Those that touch pitch will be defiled
Nor can poor Priscian bring his action of battery though we see his head broken every day
Thus while they steer clear of hitting the man they may discharge whole vollies of their pointless arrows at the writer with safety He has no objection to their picking up their crumbs at his expence The sun nurtures myriads of insects that at once inhale poison and preservation from his genial influence
As I certainly allude to the abuse with which in my life I have been so foully bespattered it should seem as if I had drawn this conclusion with a view to announce myself a man of genius Were I so weak I should be in a lamentable error indeed For an author with the smallest pretensions to fame I ought by this time to have been abused ten times more than I have unless indeed I rate the quality of the abuse in addition to the quantity and so by throwing one lump of invidious rascality into the scale make it preponderate in my favour
I am afraid however I am not so lucky for in this case I must take in the idea that the slander
of a rogue is a compliment to an honest man and I have already said that every thing beyond literary defamation is here out of the question I have therefore nothing left for it but a comparative view of that abuse which has been levelled at others and myself and upon that enumeration I shall be driven to estimate my own labours at that humble rate which the public will always give its due praise but which aspires at nothing more
To begin with the ancients Has any writer sustained more rank and foul abuse than Homer who after all is so justly styled the father of poetry and if they began with the father no wonder they have so completely gone through all the family—It has been said that the muses themselves set him up a rival in Hesiod whom they invited to reside with them on Mount Helicon and that they might initiate him into all their mysteries actually took him into their service and endowed him with their own celestial genius Tutored thus by his heavenly instructresses he is said to have won a tripod from Homer at a poetical controversy at Chalcis but
Alexander laughs at this business construing it into a compliment to Homer and saying that Hesiod might well win a prize from Homer when not kings but peasants were the judges
When you come to Virgil these candid reporters allow nothing more than that he was the translator and imitator of Homer to prove which they instance his sending Aeneas to hell in positive imitation of the Odyssey the conversation of the gods the games the ships and many other things But what sort of an imitator of Homer must he have been if it be true as Le Mercier informs us that Homer wrote neither the Iliad nor the Odyssey—but that they were compiled from the works of all the eminent writers of that time impressing very strongly an idea that Homer was merely a ballad singer and that he invented nothing but only promulgated the Grubstreet doctrine of Greece
It is said also that Virgil imitated Hesiod in his georgics and Theocritus in his pastorals Terrence too is said to have been no more than the
translator of Plautus Livy the imitator of Herodotus and Sallust of Thucidides who had before been imitated in his writings—which after all were obscure—by Zenephon and in his orations by Demosthenes Horace they report stole his art of poetry from Aristotles rhetoric and as to Aristotle himself some have gone so far as to question whether we have any thing genuine of his at all and they offer the following circumstance as a notable proof of this vague and strange opinion
Theophrastus received as a legacy the writings of Aristotle The heirs of Theophrastus buried them in the ground at Scepsis a town of Troas to hide them from King Pergamus Here they lay concealed a hundred and sixty years and were at the end of that time sold to one Appellicon a rich citizen of Athens They fell afterwards into the hands of Sylla after that they were possessed by Tyrannian a grammarian and next they became the property of Andronicus of Rhodes who first made them public about two hundred and fifty years after the death of Aristotle
Thus we have a Virgil who imitated a Homer who never was a writer—and we have a Horace who stole from the works of an Aristotle which works it is insinuated are spurious But neither is Zoilus himself of Philadelphus nor Le Mercier the Zoilus of France to be put in the smallest competition with Father Ardouine who determined to put the matter out of doubt roundly asserts upon his own single authority that Homer Virgil and Horace were all forged by monks in the twelfth century Perhaps it was upon some occasion like this that Pascal said it was easier to find monks than reasons
Thus go on these Aristarchuses in criticism The defenders of Virgil assuming great candour tell us that they subscribe to those charges brought against him above mentioned but that he certainly excelled Hesiod Justice however obliges them to confess that he fell short of Theocritus in the same proportion as the Latin is inferior to the Greek They confess too that he stole from Lucretius but this they add was a proof of his esteem
for him They then candidly hint that it was little better than receiving stolen goods for that Lucretius himself is suspected of having taken some of his works from Empedocles and others and yet in the same breath they say that Lucretius ranks before all other Latin authors They defend Virgil from a charge that Lucan was a greater poet combating the opinions of Heinsius Corneille Heron and Fielding who all give the palm to Lucan but to make this defence as lefthanded as possible they allow that the Pharsalia is more complete than the Aeneid because there is a fault in the chronology which anacronism however to gloss over they insist that Virgil intended it as a beauty and then follow up this cold compliment by saying that Lucan though an original was an original of no value The deduction therefore is, that it is doubtful whether Virgil was not a worse poet than Lucan who after all has no great merit himself But a modern critic has gone a great deal beyond this asserting that though the whole reputation of Virgil stands upon three specimens of imitation though he has no invention no originality
no creation yet he deserves all his fame—and how does he make this out Why truly by attributing this fame to his style which he calls the
pickle that has preserved his mummy from corruption
Were I to advert to the long catalogue of opposite opinions which will very easily occur to any man of reading who has a faithful and retentive memory it would be an intrusion on the patience of every intelligent reader I have instanced abundantly enough to prove that cavillers find it difficult to convince that Envy beholds pigmy imperfections and neglects giant beauties and that fools in search of defects and contradictions deprive themselves of that pleasure and improvement with which heaven permits men of superior talents to adorn the world
It is with me a matter of infinite concern that if candour be the criterion of genius the ancients possessed more genius than the moderns When Euripides died Sophocles went into mourning
and yet to prove that Sophocles was fond of applause he died with joy at the success of one of his own tragedies What can be more noble than the declaration of Theodore Gaza that if all the works then extant were to be thrown into the sea the last that would merit such a fate would be the works of Plutarch Or the forbearance of Zenophon who might have had the writings of Thucidides attributed to him but he disdained it
If the cotemporaries of Terence acknowledge that he has imitated Plautus they never fail to add that it was making gold out of dross By one it was said that the very prostitutes of Terence speak with more modesty than the honest women of Plautus Cicero speaking of the purity of Terence calls him the regulator of the Latin tongue Alexander when he sacked Thebes spared the house and posterity of Pindar Plato was called the divine Zenophon from his sweetness and beauty is called the bee and the attic muse His works are said to have inspired Scipio the African and
Lucullus in like manner as those of Homer fired the mind of Alexander
When do we hear in these times such warmth and candour as that of Appolonius Molus who on hearing Cicero harrangue exclaimed—
Poor Greece Now thou art utterly undone—The Romans had before conquered thee in arms now they have conquered thee in eloquence
These few instances among many that occur to me prove that the ancients possessed every merit that has been attributed to them and shew that the greatest effort of the human mind is to rise superior to envy
The influence of this fiend however lay only dormant till the inestimable works of these great men were universally diffused The moment that opportunity occurred she shook off her torpor awoke walked abroad and looked so terrible that modest reason sighed blushed and retired
To be plain It is remarkable that the more modern we get the more the number of cavillers increases and really as cavilling is a very ungracious thing this is lucky for them both because the task becomes every day more and more difficult and because the dunces become every day more and more stupid Thus the labour by being given into so many hands is infinitely less tremendous
The quantum of abuse must be always the same and how hard it is to fall to the lot of one man wholly to employ himself in searching out the faults of his neighbour when by an honest appropriation of his time he might manifest some perfection of his own This feat of hardihood however we see Milbourn almost singlehanded attempt against Dryden though the portion of abuse is as great and the quality as malevolent as all that vast cargo of Grubstreet filth with which Pope was bespattered by all the heroes immortalized in the Dunciad and if we want a climax we have nothing to do but look at that flock of critical crows
who even yet have not left off gorging on the literary carcase of Doctor Johnson
But if I were to go into that large field of observation which it would be necessary to traverse to get at the divers schisms that have at times distracted the state of literature I should make it the field of battle between the moderns and the ancients In France I should set Corneille and Racine against Sophocles and Euripides Malherbe against Pindar Moliere against Menander and Aristophanes nay Plautus and Terence The Countess De la Suse and Madame Dacier would pull caps with Sapho In Italy Petrarch and Guarini would attack Ovid and Tibullus Tasso would menace to their teeth Homer and Virgil Camoes Lopez de Vega Calderone and Cervantes would single out their respective antagonists for the honour of Spain and Portugal and I should involve literature in that chaos of prejudices and opinions from which men of the best learning find it so extremely difficult to separate its constituent parts
Did I extend the scene to England instead of the preface to a work I must necessarily make this a work of itself. So many so extraordinary so vague so diversified have been the real or affected opinions in this country as to what constitutes the essence of literary perfection that you have only to transmute them as you ring changes upon bells and every English writer at different times has and has not possessed it
I shall therefore by way of corroborating my assertion that no man is entitled to any large portion of literary fame till he has been handsomely abused only instance some of that prodigious load of foul and slanderous filth which—as good sometimes grows out of evil—procured the world those two monuments of genius and justice Mac Flecnoe and the Dunciad and I the more readily do this to shew that one specimen is as good as a thousand because were I to produce a thousand nothing could be said in them but what is already said here nay nor even in one of these that is not said in the other
Milbourn as I before mentioned is the author of nearly all the calumny against Dryden—Popes calumniators are Dennis Theobald Oldmixon and a variety of others who one should think were more than adequate to the task for they had nothing to do but copy what had been written before Dryden upon this single and Pope upon this complicate authority are every thing that can be said of the worst men and the worst writers
Dryden is a mere renegado from monarchy poetry and good sense
Pope is an open enemy to his country and the commonwealth of learning
Dryden is a true republican son of a monarchical church and a republican atheist
Pope is both a romancatholic whig and a protestant tory
Dryden has notoriously traduced the king the queen the lords the gentlemen and libelled
the whole nation and its representatives—
Pope has abused the persons of the king the queen both houses of parliament the privy council the bench of bishops the established church and the ministry
Dryden looks upon Gods gospel as a foolish fable like the pope to whom he is a pitiful purveyor His very christianity may be questioned He ought to expect more severity than other men as he is more unmerciful in his reflections on others With as good a right as his holiness he sets up for poetical infallibility
Pope is a popish rhymester bred up with a contempt of the sacred writings His religion allows him to destroy heretics not only with his pen but with fire and sword and such were all those unhappy wits whom he sacrificed to his accursed popish principles It deserved vengeance to suggest that Mr Pope has less infallibility than his namesake at Rome
Drydens libel meaning Mac Flecknoe is all bad matter beautiful which is all that can be said of it with good metre Mr Drydens genius did not appear in any thing more than his versification and whether he is to be ennobled for that only is a question
Popes smooth numbers in the Dunciad are all that recommend it nor has it any other merit It must be owned he has got a notable knack of rhyming and writing smooth verse
Drydens Virgil is so called to shew it is not that Virgil so admired in the Augustan age but a Virgil of another stamp a silly impertinent nonsensical writer None but a Bavius a Maevius or a Bathyllus carped at Virgil and none but such unthinking vermine admire his translator
Popes Homer does not talk like Homer but like Pope and he who translated him one would swear had a hill in Tiperary for his Parnassus
and a puddle in some bog for his Hypocrene He has no admirers among those who can distinguish discern and judge
Dryden deserves to be whipt for his ignorance of Greek
Pope undertook to translate Homer from the Greek of which he knows not one word into English of which he understands as little
Dryden imposed upon his subscribers by holding out a partially and unseasonably celebrated name which imposition extended even to the picking of their pockets
Popes subscribers have been deceived in their expectations in proportion as he has drained their pockets
The epithets which have been bestowed on these great men are still more curious Milbourn
thus calls Dryden an ape
A crafty ape dressed in a gaudy gown Whips put into an apes paw to play pranks with None but apish and papish brats will heed him
Dennis is just as kind to Pope
Let us take says he the initial letter of his christian name and the initial and final letters of his surname viz A P E and they give you the same idea of an ape as his face
Dryden according to Milbourn is also an ass
A camel says he will take upon him no more burden than is sufficient for his strength but there is another beast that crouches under all
Pope is ingeniously paid the same compliment by Dennis
It is my duty says he to pull off the lions skin from this little ass
Dryden is after this a frog
Poet Squab says Milbourn endued with Poet Maroes spirit
an ugly croaking kind of vermine which would swell to the bulk of an ox
Dennis imitating his preceptor says almost the same thing of Pope
A squab short gentleman a little creature that like the frog in the fable swells and is angry that it is not allowed to be as big as an ox
Dryden is after this and so is Pope a knave a coward a fool and a thing which indeed—if a pun may be pardoned—seems the only thing left for them to say
If then ignorance imposition cowardice knavery profligacy irreligion and treason are requisite attributes to establish the same of Dryden and Pope
why what a vile and peasant slave am I
My calumniators have gone but a very little way indeed towards ascertaining my merit by this criterion I beg therefore they will bestir themselves and as in this novel → I have given them new opportunity—especially as they may find in it a mirror that will
reflect some of their own faces—I assure them they cannot afford me a more sensible pleasure than to avail themselves of it as usual unawed by truth candour or consistency
Having indubitably proved that it is my interest to be abused I shall now for the advantage of those who though they intend enmity confer kindness shew in what way it may best or rather most expediently be done
First I would have them keep no sort of measures but indulge their rancour as much as possible Let their method be to hold such trifles as probability propriety and decency in contempt to use perpetually epithets which are appropriate to rage disappointment and vexation to enforce terms that imply candour ingenuousness and liberality—Thus in proportion as they are bursting with envy so at least in their own opinions they will conceal it like the silly bird that thrusts its head into a hedge to hide its body from its pursuers
If they would detect nonsense I would have them write nonsense themselves because this will shew practically what it is Ignorance of their subject is a good thing because it serves to exercise the ingenuity of the reader Ill manners is not amiss for it often bullies the reader into a fancied comprehension of what in reality is incomprehensible
I would have all their outworks of criticism fortified with threats denunciations and menaces I would have these supported by impudence arrogance and cruelty I would have them place about fascines of hints insinuations and conjectures and when by a powerful onset of truth and conviction they were driven from these I would have them take shelter in their strong hold of ipse dixit that anticipater of argument that reconciler of absurdity that friend of ignorance that vehicle of malevolence that poisoned arrow that coiled snake that baneful flower that smiling precipice
Ipse dixit—the skulking retreat of the shuffler
the hypocrite the villain the traitor and the rascal Ipse dixit—that shall blast the faith of honour that shall fully the purity of virtue that shall pervert truth sanctify mischief emulate murder annihilate order reprobate morality dignify sacrilege profane the throne and defy heaven
Let them utter ipse dixits then like so many fiats but never let them presume to argue lest detected by ignorance forsaken by truth and exposed to scorn they betray frontless impudence and scowling envy hidden by a filmy veil of candour
There are some subjects however with which I would not advise them to tamper In particular let them not risk the awkward predicament in which they would stand if they were hardy enough to censure the public for the warm and liberal reception afforded to my labours Let them not venture to slander those men of worth and honour who approve in me in opposition to them a life of regularity sobriety and industry and above all as it is impossible for human invention—not even their invention—to
give any other motive to the honourable and generous support by which I have the happiness to be distinguished by that nobleman who presides over public amusements than unexampled and transcendant benevolence let them instead of attempting to describe it scowl bite their malignant quills gnash their teeth and hang their recreant heads in sullenness and despair
With these instructions I think they can hardly miss their way If there should be any danger of it—as it would be a pity that such charitable intentions should reap nothing but shame and confusion—by way of consummating their noble and manly purpose let them boldly assert that I have written none of this book Let them be so ungratefully severe as to say it is not I who have given them this friendly advice but some outcast from society and as novelty in slander is as catching as in any thing else—having gone every other length—suppose this time by way of variety it were to be attributed to some murderer I think as Mr Bayes has it the circumstance would elevate and surprise But this
after all I leave to themselves for it is impossible I should be an adept in an employ the motives of which I scorn and the malignity of which I detest
If by officiously pointing out their readiest road it should appear to them that I have by anticipation betrayed the cloven foot and they should be therefore induced to forego their intentions from an apprehension of detection—for assassins are always cowards—let it be remembered that I shall set it down for a sulky perverseness and even though no single word of abuse shall be breathed against me I shall take very comfortably to myself the same portion of fame as if such advantageous circumstance had really happened and set it down with all the composure in the world as a large figure to go towards that aggregate of slander which I have so plainly shewn is necessary to constitute the fame of a writer and which upon that ground of argument I am so ambitious to merit
Having gone through the painful part of my duty—for there is nothing so painful as that which
is unavailing and there is nothing so unavailing as giving advice to the incorrigible—a few words will bring me to the end of this preface A few very pleasing words They are these that in this as in every other instance where I have offered any production to the public having portrayed vice in its ugliest form and filthiest colours having hunted craft and art to the toils having invited the broad laugh against vain and insuperable folly having excited the admiration and commended the practice of virtue and honour I fearlessly trust my book to its fortune safe in the criticism of the candid and secure in the indulgence of the liberal for the moral I inculcate is the folly of wickedness and the wisdom of rectitude a doctrine which shews that while irritated vice multiplies deformity by breaking the mirror of nature, it remains entire and unfullied to the eye of virtue that consciously reflects its own unspotted loveliness
As it very often happens that readers get half through a work without knowing its drift—not unfrequently because the author does not know it himself—I hold it necessary to preclude all possibility of any such thing in the perusal of this work by premising what according to my conception ought to be the tendency of productions similar to this and what I here mean to inculcate in particular
A novel → as the word is now understood and established is a general title for any work which
springs solely from the imagination yet so delineates men and manners as to place all its events within view of probability It is a kind of mean betwixt history which records mere fact and romance which holds out acknowledged fiction
As however pleasure and instruction are the only end that any admitted exercise of the imagination can propose these all labour with different materials to produce the same effect History not only teaches mankind to shun vice and imitate virtue by instancing those events which are most condusive to so laudable an end but shews the propriety of the doctrine it enforces by authenticating the possibility of such conduct
The novelist who is the biographer of an imaginary hero chuses for his source manners in general His margin cannot swell with authorities nor can he—by way of notes—cite the contrary opinions of great men concerning the vices or virtues of those characters he celebrates So they possess the same qualities in common with the rest of mankind and the events brought about by their means are such as our observation points out to be natural his task is completely performed and he has a right to expect as much credit for relating circumstances that might have happened as he
who—as far as he can clear his narrative from the cobwebs of tradition and disentangle it from the labyrinth of contradictory authority—records facts that did happen
Romances are figuratively in nature; and literally fictitious They are intended by lifting the mind above probability to enforce moral by figure and allegory and they attain their end—and indeed laudably—for they rouse those torpid minds into action which cannot relish writings that are kept within the bounds of simple nature
This species of composition is remarkably gratifying to weak minds It is—if I may be permitted so to express myself—an honourable fraud for exaggerate the beauty of virtue how you can it will still be lovely whereas vice being ugly in itself, becomes more hideous when it is caricatured
These three different vehicles for the conveyance of truth and morality seem to require different conductors and indeed it has seldom happened that any one man has equally succeeded in them—Romance seems to require a poetic soul strong in conception fertile in invention and various in expression History wants nothing but a perspicuous
style authentic information and invincible veracity
He who writes novels must partake of all these qualities He must unite in his imagination the glow of poetry with the steadiness of narrative—The latter must be as a curb to the former: not however to damp its spirit but to prevent it from running away—like the alderman who at a lord mayors feast would have made himself sick if his physician had not sat by the side of him
Thus I think it becomes pretty evident that ← novel → writing holds a very respectable stand in literature and I sincerely believe that men of considerable talents would very often practise it were it not for those spurious productions with which the press teems under the appellation of novels which means any love story calculated to madden the minds of sentimental country ladies to trouble the domestic happiness of old gentlemen who marry young girls and to overturn the purity imbibed at boarding schools
These are sure to make their way into all the circulating libraries in the kingdom provided they are sufficiently stuffed with dying lovers inexorable parents and impertinent chambermaids with the
addition of three or four elopements half a dozen duels and an attempt or two at a rape to which may be added a little suicide or a smattering of incest—especially if it be written by a lady—by way of zest to make it go down the more glib
Being about to give a ← novel → to the world I thought it incumbent on me to say thus much from which the reader will naturally conclude that I intend throughout this work to keep nature and probability in sight to reject that which is frivolous and impertinent and to adopt only what by means of amusement may bring about instruction
It will nevertheless be necessary to say further that in portraying nature I shall make her neither a flattering likeness nor a caricature Nor is it necessary for let her sit for her picture ever so often she never will exhibit the same face twice yet shall the general resemblance always be striking for it has been well observed that she takes every various hue of the camelion yet torture her how you will her form is as constant as the polypus No two human faces though composed of the same features ever were known to be correctly alike and the luminous mind of LAVATER did he attempt the arduous and absurd task of searching for any such would exactly resemble the lanthorn of AESOP
To these general remarks—which I conceived it expedient to place here—I shall add particular ones whenever they appear to be necessary and now I invite the reader to the examination of a faithful though a bold representation of human life for I declare upon my word as a man there is not a character or circumstance in this whole work which I do not experimentally know from a close observation and mankind to have virtual existence
A BRIDGE thrown over the high road at the entrance of a village in Warwickshire called Castlewick is the separation of two estates one of which had been at the period this history commences for half a century in the possession of the family of Hazard and the other for almost treble that space in the family of Roebuck
Nature had been equally bountiful in the distribution of her favours on either side of the road which fortuitous advantage art had been industriously called in to improve If a neat hamlet and a white spire gave a more modern termination to the view through a group of pines and cedars from Hazard lawn an old market town and a contiguous mouldering castle became visible through an avenue of elms from Roebuck park
Every Chinese temple urn or statue on one side erected to fancy consecrated to friendship or dedicated to the arts had on the other its rival
grotto cavern or hermitage Here was seen a clump of elms there a row of oaks while the meandering avon—lest the lord of one mansion should be jealous of its favours lavished on the other—not only by the advantage of a distant height plunged up a rocky cliff to delight one favourite with the awful concussion of a beautiful cascade which falling lessened into a gurgling rivulet but also opening its smooth capacious bosom moved on in majestic silence through the possessions of the other stretching out on one side a small irregular stream which supplied the house watered the garden and turned the village mill
Old Rust the grandfather of Lord Hazard was a skinner in the city His profession unluckily made him rather a byeword for he had such a voracious thirst or hunger after money—for gold can be both eaten and drank—that it was archly said he would skin any thing for profit Nay some are of opinion that from this very remark originated the epithet skinflint Be that as it may he certainly amassed a very large fortune and having run through the regular progression of liveryman common councilman deputy alderman sheriff and lord mayor he married in his seventyfirst year a girl of sixteen without a sixpence who bore him—or somebody else—a son portioned three of
her sisters granted a pension to an Irish relation set up a coach and bought a villa till at length having expostulated stormed threatened prayed and entreated to no purpose poor Rust—think of it with horror ye antiquated Adonises—died raving mad in St Lukes hospital
Previous to his insanity however he took care to make a will vesting his whole possessions in the hands of trustees for the use of his son His remains were therefore scarcely laid in the earth when the widow with a moderate annuity was obliged to sink into retirement and of her it will not be necessary to say more than that she died when her son who was purposely kept from her by his guardians came to be eighteen years old
Young Rust besides the possession of uncommon talents was wonderfully calculated for commerce Before he was thirty he considerably augmented his deceased fathers wealth and a few years afterwards—having bought a large estate which gave him the entire nomination of four members of parliament—he became so material an object to the minister that he was made one of those peers which it was then expedient to create lest the balance of power in the constitution should be found to lean too much to the side of the people
No longer Mr Rust then but Baron Hazard he pulled down the old mansion on the estate he had purchased and built that very chateau we have already commemorated As he had a towering ambition he now married into an honourable family not overburdened with riches was shortly blest with several children and had made some rapid strides towards an improvement in both church and state but—so transitory is the felicity of lords as well as inferior beings—he did not live long to enjoy that success his hopes seemed to promise—for sitting up a whole night to compose a speech which was to have introduced a plan to destroy pluralities and root out corruption he caught a cold which being followed by a fever he was hurried out of the world having scarcely time to settle his affairs
The young lord—but here kind reader let us both give a sigh to the memory of Lord Hazard and admire that the wisest designs in this sublunary existence are liable like a grain of sand to be scattered at the will of providence
THE young lord—for we shall have no occasion for the rest of the family—saw himself his own master at a very early period of life a circumstance which together with dissipated company at the university and a profligate tutor contributed to form in him the strongest principles of debauchery and libertinism
When he became of age his licentiousness made him the terror of the neighbourhood It is true he was a little checked in his wild career by the wise and wholesome counsels of his mother to which he at first affected to listen but becoming more and more hardened her precepts and conduct were altogether disregarded till at length worn out with preaching to no purpose she retired into the bosom of her own family with a firm determination to consider herself entirely alienated from her disgracious son
Lord Hazard being now left to the unbridled influence of his headstrong passions stopt at nothing to gratify them The farmers wives and daughters if they had the smallest pretensions to beauty were sure to become objects first of his generosity then his gratification and afterwards his neglect or if they durst dispute his impetuous wishes his unalterable resentment But as the swiftest cannon ball which neither edifices of wood nor stone can oppose may be stopt in its very strongest velocity by the dull resistance of a wool pack so were the vehement pursuits of Lord Hazard effectually checked by that dullest of all dull things according to the bachelors—ay and many of the married men too—a wife
My lords tutor whose name was Viney and who as I hinted before had the highest ascendancy over his pupil—having ever been cnofiderably more useful to him in the conduct of his love affairs than in his study of the classics—had also another pupil Indeed his attention to this last mentioned scholar on whom he had expended a large part of that money which the bounty to Lord Hazard—for his lordship was liberal to excess—had lavished on him would appear very enigmatical did we not derive it from its natural motive
This scholar then was no other than his sister who without a penny had married an Irish fortune hunter and was very shortly saved the trouble of breaking his heart by a kind friend of his who killed him in a duel Viney had connived at this marriage which soon after it was consummated was found to be a mutual bite However as his sister was left a blooming widow of twentytwo he easily comforted himself by considering her market as not yet over In a word he had long in idea married her to Lord Hazard This will account for his generosity nor when it is considered how completely this same Mr Viney ruled his pupil will it appear very unaccountable that the lady should become at length in reality what she had long been in imagination
Marriage stopt for a while the excesses of Lord Hazard He doated on his wife and having taken this step Viney became his privy counsellor in a stronger degree than ever His tone however was soon changed He found her a mixture of arrogance meanness bridled wantonness and ignorant affectation Nor is it difficult to divine where it might have ended if he had not accidentally discovered after having been about three months blessed with an heir that she had an intrigue with his valet de chamber
This roused him at once She was properly detected the necessary steps were taken and a divorce obtained She recriminated indeed but he was a lord and his success certain Thus having received satisfaction for the injuries he had sustained he legally banished her for ever from his presence granting her only a decent provision for life
Any one experienced in the human heart will easily see the part Viney took upon his sisters detection He exclaimed against her with the greatest violence and was the forwardest in procuring his lordship that redress which he knew it was not in his power to prevent
This conduct established him more firmly than ever in the good graces and household of Lord Hazard the first of which advantages he often declared—loudly to the world—was the ultimate end of all his wishes because said he—softly to himself—it brings about the other
I have already shewn that marriage proved a pretty tight curb to the excesses of this young nobleman and one would think his divorce had given him a reasonable surfeit of marriage but I know not how it is some men seem to be the bubble of their own arts their whole study is to overreach
themselves and if they stumble on tolerable content it is because things take a different turn from what they designed
Thus it happened with our peer Every resolution he took in consequence of being a widower was wrong and yet he hit upon happiness when he only meant revenge
This was his argument He had married a woman of spirit who had injured him in the strongest degree and for this indignity he was determined to take vengeance on her whole sex idly forgetting that this was revenging himself on a whole hive for the sting of a single bee Besides he himself was to blame the fault lay in his own want of discernment Had he fairly examined the ground of the business he would have plainly seen that it originated with Viney who had taught him nothing but what disgraced his birth and deprived him of the use of that valuable goodness of heart which he really possessed and which had he fallen into proper hands might have induced him to have dispensed the gifts of fortune nobly instead of licentiously
To put this worthy project in execution Lord Hazard resolved once more to try the married state resolutely vowing to conduct himself in so authoritative
a manner to his second wife that she should not dare even to think without his previous permission He had scarcely come to this resolution but his uneasiness on his late disgrace vanished He looked round for a wife with the greatest eagerness till at length with Vineys assistance who was still consulted he thought he had found one to his wish
But how was he astonished when he plainly saw it would be impossible to avail himself of any one of those prudent determinations those ingenious precautions he had been so long and so industriously arming himself with He had now such a wife that to controul her was impossible to advise her useless
If my readers think he was again caught after so much wary and cautious resolution after such anticipation of success I hope it will be confessed he deserved it
Certainly he was disappointed but in that satisfactory way that a man would be at finding a lawyer who taking a brief should refuse a fee Lady Hazard could not be controuled advised or entreated for she had so high a sense of her duty such equanimity of temper and such sweetness of
manners that she anticipated her lords very wishes He had received her from her father a wealthy country neighbour who wanted to aggrandize his family The young lady who had all her life made it her study to please her father found it no irksome task to watch and comply with the tempers of her husband—so true it is that a dutiful daughter has gone a great way towards becoming a good wife
If ever an extraordinary event new moulded a mans mind this unexpected merit in his wife had that effect on Lord Hazard He saw in an instant that his whole life had been one delusion that while he had sought for pleasure he had neglected happiness and therefore resolved doubly to cherish it since it had complacently condescended to come home to him
Nobody had ever dared to tell him he was a dupe to Viney he now saw it himself He did not however think proper to withdraw his protection from him but contented himself only with giving him a handsome rectory to which that worthy incumbent shortly removed
In about a twelvemonth after this second marriage—but hold all great events should be ushered in with cautious preparation
A watchmaker would have called the circumstance I am about to celebrate the main spring of this history a sailor would have said it was its helm and an alderman its marrow
It is something therefore of material consequence and of course proper to be given in a new chapter and with a particular introduction—all which ceremony though it may be the limbs and outward flourishes of writing is not without its use and though more than PHEDRUS have said that a tree should be estimated by its fruit and not by its leaves yet it must be considered that without the proper shelter afforded by the leaves no fruit could arrive to perfection
IT falls out sometimes at the theatre that at the very moment the audience are sitting with expectation on its utmost stretch an actor with a woebegone countenance comes on the stage to announce the indisposition of the principal actress
This once happened of Desdemona and as there was no lady in the company competent to the part but her whose name was in the bills a gentleman undertook it at a very short warning The spectators were as usual content per force but after waiting a considerable time the apologizer was a second time obliged to come on who assured the audience the play would soon begin but at present Desdemona was not shaved
I hope it will not be thought by mentioning this case in point that I mean to introduce in a ludicrous way a matter of such eminent importance as that I now take the liberty of presenting to the
readers notice but my amour propre is wounded for being forced—at the very critical moment I considered myself happy beyond all example in the mode of introducing my hero—to stopt short and put my readers in the exact situation of the spectators above described I am obliged to exculpate myself from any intentional offence by fairly laying the truth before them and humbly appealing to their candour or—according to the language of the standing theatrical apology—their usual indulgence
I was going to begin this chapter in a most lovely style by saying that the bees came about somebodys cradle and left their honey on his lips giving proof that he would be sweet and eloquent in discourse But casting in my mind who this somebody could be it presently struck me—for I
do bear a brain
—that the point was not settled
This prodigy is related of ST AMBROSE of Milan Doctor JOHNSON who ought to have known something about the matter says it was PINDAR but FENELON affirms it was said of PLATO by his preceptor SENECA who while the circumstance was warm in his mind dreamt that a cygnet flew to his bosom which by degrees became covered with feathers of a most beautiful and dazzling whiteness
and which taking wing flew with a force and rapidity superior to an eagle—and these prodigies were so strongly verified in this great man that CICERO said of him when he grew up
If JUPITER had condescended to speak like man he would have used the language of PLATO
Now it cannot be denied but that here is proof upon proof on the side of FENELON and as he gathered this intelligence for the improvement of princes one would think that he must have made a point of collecting his materials from the best authorities But as there is no court of criticism to appeal to from the fiat of Dr JOHNSON—his ipse dixit being always final upon these occasions—if the reader please it shall stand for PINDAR not for the living PINDAR because every body knows that instead of honey he deals in nothing but gall
In this case it is melancholy to lose the beautiful dream of SENECA and the fine saying of CICERO but ornament and flourish must give way to truth and Dr JOHNSON Besides Mr BOSWELL informs us that the Doctor had but a pitiful opinion of FENELON for that he would not allow Telemachus to be written more than
pretty well
Having established this important point I shall
regularly proceed to the business of introducing my hero who having set the poets together by the ears before he was born will be allowed to have given a pretty good specimen of the work he was to cut out for them afterwards
Many and various are the portents and omens that are said to have announced the births deaths and marriages of great men and women and I could muster up a long catalogue of them from the lady who made so handsome a deluge as to swallow up all Asia to Tom Thumb—which is a pretty touch of the bathos—who was swallowed up by a cow but that it would insensibly draw me into an imitation of certain authors who are fonder of shewing their reading than their good manners
I shall be forgiven however since a great man and a prodigy are almost synonimous terms if I lament that nature did not go a single step out of her road to introduce our hero neither his father nor his mother having dreamt any thing prodigious on the occasion
Viney indeed had a confused idea in a dream of a basilisk which kept continually in his way and the nurse as she nodded by the fire side while Lady Hazard was in labour dreamt that her young master—
for she always said it would be a boy—spoke the moment he came into the world and that he believed any thing you said to him which she sagaciously interpreted as a sure sign that he would be very learned and very much imposed upon—the truth of which observation the reader may perhaps have occasion to admire before he and I part
Lady Hazards being brought to bed of a son to the great joy of that honourable family seems then to be the event I hinted at in the third chapter It really took place about a twelve month after the marriage and three years and a quarter—for I love to be exact—after the birth of the first son whom Lord Hazard called Zekiel after his grandfather and this our hero Charles after himself
The happiness of Lord Hazard would now have been complete had it not been imbittered by a consideration that the whole estate being willed away with the title he could not do his youngest son the justice he wished To amend however this deficiency he resolved to make him a paragon of learning and as he knew very well that had not the former part of his own life been devoted to idleness it would have been less given to dissipation he resolved to add a complete study of the arts to his sons education
In the contemplation of this plan he took great delight At length when Zekiel had attained his eleventh year he was sent to Eaton school to leave the coast clear for a proper attention to the education of Charles which his lordship was determined to superintend himself
Many essays were made upon his tender intellects which gave very promising hopes and now the difficulty was to get him a tutor Lord Hazard fairly owned he despaired of finding one to his wish He declared he had himself witnessed so much ill conduct in men of that description that he should be very cautious indeed how he made a choice
These doubts he often imparted to Lady Hazard who said she had mixed very little in the world and therefore was happy whenever he was so good as to give her his opinion in order that she might form hers She could not help thinking however that he was warmer on that subject than he otherwise would have been had not an ill choice been made in a tutor for him She hoped he would be able to find a man who should have talents and yet be honest
If said my lord I could form a tutor he should be ingenuous above all things not ashamed
if he found any of those trivial vices creeping on him to which human nature is subject to confess and amend them Such a kind of man cannot design to do ill because he is sorry for his own infirmity Ingenuousness has a tendency to gratitude which is with me the first of virtues I declare if I was obliged to accuse a man of a crime and he could prove his motive to be in the smallest degree similar to any thing I had ever forgiven in myself I should instantly feel an inclination to pardon him It is the sneaking underhand villain I hate the hypocrite the deceiver who studies to be a rascal who stings while he fawns But he who acts from mere intuitive principles may correct his frailty by his judgment and at any rate you have a declared enemy and know how to be on your guard One stands some chance with a lion but who can provide against the venom of a slow worm
Thus ended a conversation which the reader may hereafter think I had a reason for inserting
Very little passed in this family worthy relation till Master Charles was twelve years old when one day my lord brought a gentleman who he said answered in every particular that description of person he had so long and so fruitlessly sought for as
a tutor for his darling son As to Zekiel he did not believe him to be his son at all though he had in vain tried to prove him legally illegitimate He therefore took very little further notice of him than to remit him money nor did he express either astonishment or dissatisfaction at being told he was both an arrant dunce and an arrant puppy On the contrary he sarcastically observed
he would do well enough for a lord
Having brought matters in the family of Lord Hazard to a sort of stand still the reader and I will now if he please take a walk across the bridge into Roebuck park But upon recollection being come now to the center which commands a view of the whole village of Castlewick and its inhabitants making a part of our dramatis personae we will take a short view of that little community which had really something to recommend it to our notice
THE village of Castlewick contained about five hundred inhabitants About half the men and boys were generally employed at the trade of woolcombing part of the women and girls in carding spinning twisting and knitting the more intelligent and experienced of the men in journeying to large towns to purchase sheep and supply factors clothiers and hosiers with wool yarn worsted stockings nightcaps socks and such other articles as they manufactured The lower order of the men and boys were employed in tilling manuring and enclosing and the remainder of the women busied themselves in household affairs buying and selling the necessaries of life and such other occupations as the vicar—for this parish had no curate—pointed out to them
The vicar had two deputies the clerk and the schoolmaster and these three were all the persons in the village who did no bodily labour—for Castlewick
could boast neither lawyer exciseman nor apothecary
Their good pastor undertook to regulate the temporal as well as spiritual concerns of his flock and by a scrupulous discharge of his duty as their treasurer shewed them more than by a thousand precepts how much it was their interest to act with truth and integrity towards each other Not that his preaching was not of a piece with his example for every Sunday they heard some new lesson of sweet and comfortable morality from his mouth for he instead of describing religion as a denunciation of vengeance and the deity as delighting in punishment softened that high duty into a gentle and intelligent system of morality by inculcating the principles of social virtue and brotherly love and representing the creator as an indulgent father watching with anxious and tender care over the interest and happiness of his children and regarding their virtuous endeavours with a smile of celestial benevolence—thus troubling his hearers with nothing beyond the reach of that capacity which had fallen to their share and leaving the discussion of dogmas to larger communities who better understood cavilling
The clerk and the schoolmaster kept an account
of the receipts and disbursements throughout the parish These were faithfully audited by the vicar Ten of the most considerable of the inhabitants who acted as a committee for the rest were called in every week to the vestry where the books were always forth coming for general inspection
Every other regulation for the pleasure and advantage of this happy community was proportionably wise and salutary Thus cheerfulness smiled on their labours content converted their pittance into plenty health ease and good humour accompanied their steps and they passed their time in the exercise of as much moral rectitude as would have immortalized them—had they been born ancient Spartans—without dreaming they did more than a common duty for the sake of general convenience
By this time I believe the reader begins to suspect that the vicar however well disposed to lend a helping hand towards the regulation of this little commonwealth as well as the clerk and the schoolmaster who kept the account of their finances were but subordinate actors in this performance and here introduced like the centinels in Hamlet and the servants in the Orphan—both of which circumstances VOLTAIRE is very angry at—only to usher in the capital
personage who having once made his appearance is to receive all the applause
It must be owned that the motions of Castlewick appeared to be as regular as those of its church clock which clock though any blacksmith could wind it up and set it a going must have required a much better mechanic to have invented it originally If there should be a hidden first cause for this it will be announced in its proper place In the mean time I cannot prevail upon myself to repent my having introduced these sons of industry insignificant as they are The mind is often both improved and amused by the most trifling objects the smaller the mite the more worthy the curiosity of the philosopher
MY reader and I having passed through the rookery that received us as we left the bridge are now within sight of the mansion of Sir Sydney Walter Roebuck lord of the manor of Castlewick and member of parliament for the borough of Neitherside
The grandfather of this gentleman—for were I to trouble the reader with any thing anterior my description would resemble a game of chess where bishops knights castles and the king and queen are continually crossing each other Indeed I have two other reasons for not going farther back one is that in the course of this history Sir Sidney will talk to us a little about the fame of his ancestors himself and the other that for ought I could ever learn their lives were take them all in all such a uniform mixture of morality loyalty and brotherly love that the description of one would serve for the whole Their tempers might not be unaptly
compared to a bowl of punch for though made up of the same contrariety of ingredients in common with the rest of their fellow creatures the mixture was so happily blended that they diffused comfort and cheerfulness to all around them
The grandfather then having taken umbrage at court for being turned out of the cabinet only because he maintained that the Lancashire witches were harmless old women—for which indeed Dr JOHNSON would have been as angry with him as the council were for he tells us he will not say there never was any such thing as witchcraft for that probably there might have been but that it had ceased—retired to the mansion of his forefathers which gothic and stately structure the reader and I are looking at
There having sat contentedly down with a quiet conscience an active mind and a princely fortune he considered—which was nothing more than his daily custom—how he might best be serviceable to his fellow creatures
He had not deliberated long on the subject before he determined to build the village of Castlewick and like another Bishop Blaze set up the trade of woolcombing Nor was this would he argue a
project unworthy his rank wool was the staple commodity of that country he so dearly loved and for which his ancestors had so gallantly shed their blood the wool sack was the emblem of honour for it sustained the leading member of the house and took place in that assembly of every thing but the throne He had yet a better reason his scheme would give employment to his tenants and other poor neighbours and he should be sure to receive the daily blessings of many families who would owe a subsistance to their honest labours under the auspices of his bounty
This gentleman lived to see his benevolent plan carried into execution and he enjoined his son to pursue it This injunction was faithfully complied with but the present Sir Sidney considerably increased the number of houses and inhabitants altered the former rules and orders into a more regular and digested set of laws, and called in the vicar and his adherents as the reader has already seen to assist him in their execution
Thus burning the Lancashire witches was productive of one public benefit at least for had not the humanity of good old Sir Sidney taken fire at the cruel proposition in all probability the village of Castlewick would never have been built
The surviving gentleman of this family I now take the liberty of introducing in form to the reader He had many singularities one I have already hinted at another was a fixed aversion to cards and dice yet he was a strenuous encourager of all athletic sports He would sometimes pitch the bar himself and was allowed to be the best bowler at cricket within ten miles He was an admirer of the arts and never failed to bring with him from town at the end of every sessions a poet a painter and a musician who were obliged—and so indeed were all others who wished for his esteem—to accompany him in the different departments of his duty as he called the regulation of his little commonwealth Nay sometimes he would set them to work on which occasion he enjoyed their awkwardness
Seeing once the wig of a counsellor catch in the girt of a twisting mill as he was unhandily turning it round it afforded no small diversion to the baronet who facetiously exclaimed
My good old friend you let your learning fly about at a strange rate
No man was more admired nor sought less to be so than Sir Sidney Even the boobies with whom he could not mix because he never swore gamed
nor drank pint bumpers declared he was a gruffish odd sort of a hearty cock In short his heart was benevolent his means were ample he was in the prime of life surrounded with hundreds of sincere friends—which is a bold thing to sayrespected valued esteemed adored almost deified and yet he was not happy I could tell the reader why but shall only so far indulge him as to say that according to Sir Sidneys own account his unhappiness was occasioned by a phantom he had seen which had so possessed him that he could not rest in his bed till he had opened his mind to it—for were I to unriddle the whole secret of this ghost the spirit and the readers curiosity would vanish together
I shall therefore collect together all the leading circumstances that I may the more adroitly introduce the time when the place where and the manner how it appeared And this has been a privilege to authors and old women time immemorial a climax having ever been allowed the proper moment to introduce a catastrophe and the candles burning blue a signal for the approach of a hobgoblin
As soon therefore as I shall have terrified my readers into a belief of the proper prognostic the
ghost shall stalk forth To suffer this sooner would be inartificial and consequently an impeachment of my capacity of tantalizing the reader which would be an indelible disgrace to the fraternity of ← novel → writers some of whom have excited no other sensation
I hope however I shall be forgiven if I differ in the main from this mode of constructing my work and not deemed an innovator if I endeavour to make satisfaction keep pace with expectation
I MEAN to lead the reader on chapter after chapter through this history in the same manner as we are led day after day through life They who experience the largest portions of human happiness are sure to have some unpleasant moments in every fourandtwenty hours whereas the same degree of misery will not so far overcome the fortitude of others but they find now and then a transient gleam of pleasure which like an accidental creek through the wall of a dungeon magnifies the light of comfort by peeping in upon obscurity
At the close of every dull day we naturally look forward in hopes of finding the next more agreeable Thus people comfort themselves with
tomorrow is a new day—we shall see how matters will go tomorrow
and thus cherish a laudable expectation though it end perhaps only in disappoinment
I am led to these remarks by the recollection of my having promised to tell the reader what Sir Sidney wanted to make him completely happy To do this suddenly and without preparation would seem to shew that I know not the way to elevate and surprise a mystery which more than Mr Bayes have thought the most essential requisite of an author
As no reader therefore can reasonably desire me to violate a standing rule I shall now proceed to unfold a nice chain of circumstances which will lead directly to the main event
In the description that has been given of Castlewick I more than doubt I have been shrewdly suspected of that kind of embellishment in which heroes are said to deal when speaking of their exploits and lovers when extolling the charms of their mistresses In fact to suppose a body of nearly five hundred people of different sexes ages and complexions could be perfectly secure from evil in themselves, or guarded against the temptations of others would be to suppose an order of beings that certainly shall not intrude themselves here my intention being to treat of human creatures the best of whom I am afraid are not exempt from frailty I would only have it understood that vices
existed in Castlewick no longer than till they were found out at which time the parties were for the first offence reprehended for a second mulct for a third condemned to have no intercourse with their neighbours and for a fourth considered as incorrigible and without favour or affection banished from the place and deprived for ever of any claim to its advantages
When this happened which I will say was very seldom the offenders generally took refuge in another village about three miles distant called Little Hockley the inhabitants of which place were mostly tenants of Lord Hazard and as that nobleman had found no great difficulty in bringing over the men and the women too to any of his purposes it may easily be supposed they were a very likely people to afford such a lefthanded asylum
Little Hockley then was as famous for springes trammel nets and pitched battles as Castlewick was for cricket quoits and tranquillity and if one was without an attorney that a proper number of that worthy fraternity might be kept up the other maintained two Nay a spruce young man who indeed had been porter to an obscure druggist in a blind alley near Rosemarylane established himself there as an apothecary who when Lord Hazard
first began to reside at his seat ordered a new sign and added to his former qualifications surgeon and manmidwife
One great pleasure of the wicked wights of Little Hockley was to torment their more fortunate neighbours of Castlewick This they effected by certain railings and backbitings to which exploits of their fancy they added others which were achieved by means of their fingers for scarcely a week past but some hog was hamstrung horse lamed or house dog hanged Sucking pigs and chickens disappeared from their sties and roosts without the assistance of a fox the cows were milked in the night by twohanded urchins and lambs ran away with by twolegged wolves
These depredations ceased now and then upon Sir Sidneys application to Lord Hazard but they constantly broke out again In the mean time certain defiances were breathed and sometimes a few blows exchanged
The vicar was not without frequent apprehensions that some of his parishioners meeting with so many insulting provocations and being healthy spirited men would once for all take such a revenge as might involve the community in trouble for one
or two of them had been already cited to the quarter sessions where it required the whole interest of Sir Sidney to prevent their paying heavy damages though what they did was perhaps in resentment of some insult offered to a wife or daughter
At the time Lord Hazard petitioned the lords for his divorce Sir Sidney was attending with great earnestness his duty in the lower house Taking advantage of this opportunity a month had scarcely passed before the Hockley men grown more audacious than ever had irritated their peaceable neighbours so often that three stout bruising matches had already been the consequence and though the Hockley boxers would have cut no contemptible figure in the learned Mr MENDOZAs school yet it so happened—perhaps because a right cause is half the victory—the men of Castlewick were the conquerors
Seeing matters at this extremity and unwilling to trouble Sir Sidney the vicar determined to pay a visit to the curate of Little Hockley for that parish which was a rectory had not been blest with a sight of its incumbent for ten years Indeed that worthy member of the church who was also a member of a gaming club commuted for the tithes and all other immunities of his living and had given up
among other advantages the right of appointing a curate
The gentleman who made this purchase lived in the neighbourhood and was called Major Malplaquet He had distinguished himself in the wars of the low countries when very young under the famous Duke of MALBOROUGH and was now late in life in quiet possession of his paternal seat and a very fine fortune
The Major had a chaplain who it must be confessed did not look much like a clergyman He had been in the wars too and indeed he fought much better than he prayed I will illustrate his character by an anecdote
A clergyman being on a visit to a captain of a man of war a smart gale sprung up so suddenly that the vessel parted her cable and was hurried out to sea No harm happened but it gave the crew a great deal of trouble The boatswain who in the language of his messmates was a dry hand coming upon the forecastle cried
Sink me if I did not think as this would be the case I will be keelhauled if we have had a bit of good luck since that there parson came aboard Of all the fish that swims I cannot abide a parson I never sailed
but once before with a parson and then we had not a fair wind the whole voyage
Never but once said one of his companions why a chaplains parson ent he
Avast that slack chatter said the boatswain a chaplain a parson hey
Why I tell you he is says the other he wears black and says prayers
Why then I suppose retorted the boatswain the devils an alderman because he wears horns—All the chaplains I ever knew were honest hearty cocks good fellows who would not mind making a curtain of their black gown to hide a pretty lass None of your grave thinking gentlemen but roaring boys who shewing you what they are and telling you what they ought to be leave you to your choice whether youll go to heaven by their preaching or to the southward by their example
This worthy member of the church militant whose name was Standfast had in his younger days—for he was now near fifty—performed as many exploits of the buckish kind as ever distinguished
the Mohawks Sweaters or any other set of desperados who used formerly to parade the streets of London to the terror of every decrepid watchman and the demolition of his lanthorn He was the very man who once proposed to give the waiter of a coffeehouse a rouleau to see how he would look
Besides all this he had killed his man and having absconded to Flanders he ran away with a nun from a convent married her spent her fortune set her adrift and entered a volunteer in the army where the officers—finding him a genteel man—being informed of his function procured him a chaplaincy
In this situation Standfast was particularly noticed by Major Malplaquet who being a man of singular credulity so attached himself to his new acquaintance that he soon became his all in all Indeed the chaplain had many qualities that rendered him agreeable to the major He would drink claret play at put and beat a reveille with any man in the corps Besides these winning accomplishments he had other accommodating methods of endearing himself to his patron He often complimented him with the possession of some yielding female he had himself grown tired of and never failed if husbands or fathers grew impertinent and troublesome to
brazen the matter out In short having gained a consummate knowledge of the world by a scrupulous hardness of belief, a total want of every feeling but selfinterest and a critical exercise of observation he penetrated every mans characteristic foible and worked upon it as he pleased
Such was the Rev Mr Standfast private chaplain to Major Malplaquet and curate of Little Hockley To this person I am going to introduce the vicar of Castlewick who conscious of the rectitude of his own intentions was indulging himself in the flattering hope that his efforts in conjunction with those of the curate would effectually make up every breach between the two contending parties
To the qualities already celebrated in Tiger Standfast—for so had he been nicknamed by his companions from the utter impossibility of taming him—I shall add that let him converse with whom he might he as the phrase is knew his man and was always provided with so many shifts and turns that come what would he was never off his guard Besides he had an admirable knack of siding with his enemy the better to laugh at him
I thought it necessary to premise this lest the reader should wonder how it came about that the moment he saw Mr Mildman he should not only welcome him with all imaginable courtesey but declare he intended the next morning to have paid him a visit in order to consult with him on the very subject which had now brought them together—adding as he took the good old vicar by the hand that he had a hard time of it indeed but bad examples were terrible things and if Lord Hazard
would encourage his tenants in idleness—which Mr Mildmans experience must have long taught him is the corner stone of the temple of corruption—of what avail were all his prayers nay his tears in enforcing either their duty towards God or their neighbour
The astonished vicar could scarcely credit his ears He had not to learn the general character of Standfast but on the contrary had both heard and believed much ill of him and indeed on his way had uncharitably as he now thought conjured up a number of difficulties in his mind which he expected would be thrown in the way of his beneficent plan
This Standfast well knew and as the first blow in argument as well as boxing is a manifest advantage he had the inward satisfaction—I say inward because his features betrayed no such sensation—of seeing his antagonist struck aghast
To pursue this first blow therefore he thus went on
I see Mr Mildman you are shocked to find I have no more influence over my parishioners
The vicar to whom truth was as habitual as perjury
is to an attorney with the utmost simplicity of heart immediately answered
You have not at all divined the subject of my astonishment I was admiring that the world could be so unnecessarily slanderous to have described you as a dissolute and immoral character and one who—pardon me for using the expression was a scandal to your cloth whereas you appear to me—
Ah cried Standfast poor deluded wretches I forgive them But what do they say It is of consequence that I should clear my character to you Their slander I smile at but your ill opinion What do they say dear Mr Mildman
Why Sir replied the vicar since I see you bear it with a proper firmness I will tell you—
Sit down sir said Standfast
The vicar having complied with his request proceeded to inform him that in the first place it was said he drank very hard for a clergyman
Not a drop more in general than two bottles at a sitting said Standfast and never more than four
Four bottles exclaimed the vicar
Why what is that cried Standfast very calmly if my dear sir you had been in countries where I have you must have drank Ay ay it is better to be carried
off to bed in liquor than in an ague Then between ourselves the major is a notable toper never stirs till the sixth bottle though there should be only he and I to drink it and I dare not disoblige my patron I hate ingratitude I only ask you Mr Mildman if any thing could induce you to thwart the will of Sir Sidney
Sir cried the vicar with a look of extreme sensibility it is the study of my life to deserve his bounty
That was spoken said Standfast too warmly not to have come from the heart You must my dear sir pledge me in a glass to Sir Sidneys health Here bring some wine
The vicar who though he never was drunk in his life could take a glass or two and very frequently did at Sir Sidneys table made no great difficulty to comply
Two bottles of wine were immediately brought two glasses poured out and soon emptied to the health of the vicars patron Standfast asked Mr Mildman if he liked his port as well as Sir Sidneys at the same time excusing himself from drinking any saying that nothing but claret agreed with him
The vicar commended the wine but said it had a dryish sour smack after it
Goute de la terreinne nothing else said Standfast it is the very excellence of it
Perhaps so said the vicar but to our business
No sir said Standfast you shall purge me of all my secret faults It has long been my ambition to be known to you and I promise most truly if you can use any fair argument before you go to convince me of the least impropriety in my conduct I will amend it immediately
Sir said the vicar it is handsomely said and after this declaration I will not believe you the man you have been represented to me You a murderer
A murderer echoed Standfast I abhor the idea
I dare say you do sir cried the vicar and yet the wicked world says you killed a man in a duel
Oh is that all said Standfast I was compelled to it Poor Ned—he was a worthy fellow—
I had a great regard for him but he would insist upon it so I ran him through the body
Mercy on us cried the vicar and do you feel no remorse for having the blood of a fellow creature upon your head
Not in an affair of honour said Standfast It was impossible to be avoided
Honour cried the vicar with great vehemence it is a prostitution of the word Can it be honour because a man has perhaps unwittingly affronted me to shed his blood and desolate his family Is it honour because there are men of desperate fortunes with whom it is safer to face a pistol than a halter that I must either fear to detect their villany or put my life upon a footing with theirs
Spoken like an oracle my dear sir said Standfast but it will sometimes unavoidably happen that two men of perfect honour who wish one another extremely well shall suddenly dispute till grown warm one or the other shall use an opprobious epithet which his friend cannot brook What is to be done—the man must be knocked down you know
Knocked down hollowed the vicar and so make the breach too wide for all possibility of reparation No sir the highest courage is to pity passion not take advantage of it Convince a man into a concession and your triumph is doubly noble Why should a fally of passion be sooner resented than the sally of a madman Besides according to your own rules not to speak of its wickedness can any thing be so silly as duelling A man receives an injury what is the satisfaction he asks why truly he invites the aggressor in terms of perfect politeness to meet him at a certain time where he requests as an attonement for the wrong that his adversary may exert all his skill to take away his life
The vicar who had now drank two glasses made the above declaration with uncommon vehemence Standfast in a pretended rapture embraced him confessed he was become his convert and filling the glasses for the third time gave the major for a toast
This the vicar could not avoid drinking He determined however it should be the last three glasses being at any time his utmost stint He had scarcely drank when whether it was owing to the goute de la terreinne or being warm upon the subject or what I shall not now take upon me to say but certainly
he gave manifest signs of being disordered from top to toe His eyes sparkled his head became dizzy and his chair was of the same use to him as a pole is to a ropedancer for without it he assuredly would have tumbled down Nor could he help testifying some applause at the end of a little chansonette which Standfast had been negligently singing At this the latter declared with a violent oath that he was the heartiest companion he ever knew
The vicar blamed him severely for swearing but stamping his foot to enforce the rebuke he trod upon the leg of a dog that lay before the fire The cur having received a private intimation from his master flew at the vicar who with great difficulty and an exclamation of
damn the dog
got out of his way
Standfast now fell foul of the vicar telling him that he might plainly see there were provocations that might induce a man to swear that the words themselves were no more than other words; and that men used indiscriminately God bless you and its opposite expression when neither a benediction nor a curse was in their hearts which he was sure was the case in relation to the vicar as the exclamation
against the dog was certainly uttered without the smallest premeditated malice
Oh sir said poor Mildman whose speech now became affected I would not wish the destruction of the smallest reptile As to the poor dumb creature what he did was natural I trod upon him and he flew at me I did him an injury and he resented it
Just my case said Standfast in the affair of the duel
Oh no cried the vicar as to the duel—the duel—you see in relation to the duel—a man that is intoxicated with passion—
is as bad interrupted Standfast as a man intoxicated with liquor
Oh yes cried the vicar that is another terrible evil When a man is drunk he feels—that is the liquor mounts to his head—and if the giddiness—which is the effect of—what is the matter with me—I—but it is no such thing—it is—im—im—impossible that—Oh dear me—
Poor Mildman sinking back in his chair now fell fast asleep which Standfast no sooner saw than he ordered in two sturdy fellows who were at
hand and bid them lay the vicar in a certain field where some of his flock would be sure to find him
This was all that Standfast really meant for being a perfect school boy at a frolic and having long indulged a desire of touching the vicar on the side of his sobriety upon hearing of his coming to consult with him he had infused a few grains of crude opium into a bottle of port which caused that goute de la terreine the vicar complained of and so acted both upon his head and his unsuspicious temper as at the third glass to throw him into a complete state of intoxication
This deception I should have imparted at the beginning of this chapter but for my constant observance of that necessary etiquette which I hinted to my readers in the beginning of the last
The two fellows however who carried out the vicar were not so easily contented To get the parson completely into their clutches was such a triumph that they were determined to make the most of it They therefore stript him of his coat put him on an old jerkin patched with a hundred different colours set him in the middle of a field upon a broken chair propt up by a few stakes to prevent
him from falling where he looked exactly like a figure placed to frighten the crows
Very fortunately for the poor vicar the clerk and the schoolmaster passed over the field a few minutes after the Hockley men had left him They were going to Little Hockley with a view to meet the good man and learn the success of his enterprize and were scarcely within a hundred yards of the supposed scarecrow when they saw it move of itself, as it appeared for there was not a breath of wind stirring Upon this looking with more attention it got upon its legs staggered two or three paces and fell down
Perfectly convinced it must be a human being they went up to it but what words can describe their astonishment when they heard the voice and beheld the features of the vicar
The two men who had stood aloof now made their appearance They were soon afterwards joined by almost half the village who seeing the vicar in the hands of his friends began to open upon them
Fine doings indeed said one ay ay the still sow sucks all the grains
Yes yes cried another there be black sheep at Castlewick as well
as at other places
The clerk and schoolmaster retorted that they were sure some trick had been played
Odd rot it said a third a reare trick to be sure Here must your parson cum to zee our parson and nothing would zarve un as he zed but bleeding the zellers and zo you do zee after he had got mean drunk we took and geed un an airing in our veeld to fright away the crows—
Odds wounds cried another your drunken parson makes a mortal good scarecrow
at which they all set up a horse laugh
The clerk and the schoolmaster having asked the vicar several questions and found from his utter incapacity to give a rational answer they stood very little chance of knowing the truth—for as to a single tittle to his prejudice nothing could induce them to credit it—they contented themselves with demanding his coat hat and wig which were peremptorily refused the ringleader swearing they should be put upon a figure of the vicar and that very night burnt in effigy
Seeing that all their attempts to recover these spoils were in vain their next care was how to get
home their charge when fortunately a tilted cart happening to go by they called the driver who knowing them with great readiness assisted to convey the vicar to his vehicle heartily concerned at his deplorable condition and vowing revenge against those who had reduced him to it
The cart set off one way and the crowd another shouting in triumph as they bore away their trophies and swearing to exhibit them upon a pile of faggots as soon as it should be dark
Whether they did so or not will be known hereafter but not in the next chapter that being appropriated for another subject Besides the reader may wish to be released for a time from the brutes of Little Hockley Nay it is not impossible but he may in some small degree revolt at these latter circumstances What a shocking indignity to make so amiable a man drunk let him swear and afterwards introduce him as a scarecrow
To these objections—for I own I am myself shocked at the facts—I must beg to plead that I am only the historian of these transactions but if I were the inventor I really think that they are the very cunning of the scene for the more attrocious
the Hockley men appear the more lustre will be thrown round the worthies of Castlewick
As for the swearing I own I had some idea of smothering it but I will prove beyond contradiction that it is natural even in the excellent Mr Mildman
The reader cannot wish for a more truly moral character to illustrate the position than Doctor JOHNSON This great man we are told by Mr BOSWEL while on his tour once made use of the words
what the devil
—I forget whether it was on that evening the young lady sat upon his knee for then there would have been no great improbability in his feeling the gentleman he mentioned a little busy—but he hastily recalled himself and corrected his expression
Now
what the devil
from Dr JOHNSON perfectly sober I insist upon it is about upon a par with
damn the dog
from Mr Mildman drunk for drunkenness has the same effect upon the spirits whether we fall into it by accident or design Nay drugs and charms may very likely create a stronger delirium and I have no manner of doubt but that if Dr JOHNSON could that evening have been prevailed upon to drink fermented liquor
it is within bare possibility—for I contend for no more—that he might have whispered to his friend BOSWELL that the lady was a damned fine girl or some such buckishness
STANDFAST as soon as he understood what had been done with the vicar appeared well enough satisfied though he did not fail to declare that the matter had been carried a great deal too far However at the majors in the evening he gave the story in all its perfection enlarging a little indeed on one article which was in saying that the vicar drank like a fish—
but said he looking very earnestly at Mrs Malplaquet few virtues are so practicable as people would feign teach us to believe The detection of one hypocrite has in it merit enough to atone for fifty sins openly committed What say you major
Why I say replied the major that hypocrisy is a low sin a kind of rank and file vice and ought to be drumed out of every regiment of honest fellows Dont you think so chicken said he to his wife
Certainly I do said she and as no man alive has less of that meanest of vices than yourself I may the more freely utter my detestation of it
You may be assured the worst of hypocrites is he who covers his deceit with the practice of other vices All you can do with such a man is not to trust him too far but how dreadful it is to be always doubting a man you would wish to think well of You will say he keeps you a stranger to his hypocrisy and leaves you almost secure he is no such character by openly avowing his other sins This very circumstance ought to excite your suspicion of his honesty for what does he see in one friend more than another unless perhaps to make him his dupe
This may be all very true madam said Standfast but I must say it appears to me to be a very uncharitable kind of judgment I hope there are no such persons as you describe
I am sure sir I should be as willing to hope so as you said the lady but I cannot give myself that indulgence for uncharitable as it may be I still insist that there is one such character at least in the world
Come come I hope not said the major if it were only for the honour of the corps of human nature
Well said the lady since it has gone so far I beg that I may have leave to prove what I advance merely to clear myself from Mr Standfasts imputation of uncharitableness
I will suppose a case A gentleman shall be in your house as Mr Standfast is receive your protection countenance and friendship and in the moment you are heaping benefits upon him—in full assurance that you count every thing upon his gratitude—shall harbour dishonourable designs against your wife shall eternally teaze her when she is alone behave himself so particular to her in company that she is obliged to force that deportment into constraint which she could wish should be cheerfulness and in the mean time she dreads to make her persecutions known for fear of ill consequences from the anger of her husband In what order of hypocrites would you class this man What would he deserve
Deserve cried the major to be flogged till every thread of hemp was worn off the cat o nine
tails But pray now chicken do you mean this as mere general conversation or is there any thing intended by it
Oh that is impossible said Standfast nudging her at the same time under the table
Perhaps not cried the lady enjoying his confusion at any rate you have no objection to my making it known I hope
I—no—Oh no madam—I—not the least—and then recovering himself a little—not the smallest objection you may be assured
Very well sir said Mrs Malplaquet since it is a matter of such perfect indifference to you I will take an opportunity when I am tete a tete with my husband of endeavouring to shew him his friends from his enemies At present added she I should be obliged to you to ring the bell it may recover you from your fright
Standfast did as he was desired the ladys woman made her appearance and she retired to her chamber saying as she went out
adieu major and for you Mr Standfast I wish you this and every
night as sweet a repose with all your virtues as that of Mr Mildman with all his hypocrisy
The two gentlemen being left to themselves a silence of a few minutes ensued At length the major got up suddenly and having shut the door and locked it advanced to Standfast in a most determined stride and uttered in as determined a tone
Looke Sir—if I thought I harboured a rascal in my house I would not wait for a court martial—his ears—damme his ears should in two minutes be nailed against the wall in terrorum to all scoundrels who dared to come as spies into a gentlemans camp That my wife meant something is evident; that she would not run a risk of exasperating me without cause is as evident tell me therefore what you know of the matter for fire me Mr Standfast but it shall be explained
Standfast who had taken good time to sort his cards began now to consider how he should play his game and knowing the majors credulity to his strongest suit after stipulating for a patient hearing he thus began
You very well know major you are upwards of seventy whereas your lady is not more than twentyfive She married you against her will
out of mere filial piety and I sincerely believe has been as faultless in her conduct as she is beautiful in her person You have often said our souls were congenial and that though there were no consanguinity between us nature made us brothers Is it wonderful then I should admire what you do When the desertion of a recreant pin has displayed her spreading bosom bursting like a lily from its pod or a friendly stile betrayed her taper leg to my view I will not deny but it has fired my imagination and in the sweet madness of that delicious moment I have been a rascal—have loved your wife—have told her of it—
Oh major you do not know what it is to cherish a hopeless passion you are happy you possess the object of your wishes while I pine in despair
In despair ay and so you ought cried the major what the devil would the man have Hant you my friendship my credit my purse
None of which I deserve said Standfast
Why no I think not indeed returned the major if you cannot be content without my wife into
the bargain No no I chuse if you please sir to have her affections to myself
Come come said Standfast major that is too much you know she did not marry you for love She may have a friendship for you but assure yourself no affection at her age for a man of yours
Why grumbled the major there may be something in that but still sir that is nothing to you
It is so far something to me said Standfast that it serves me to exculpate myself for if she had loved you I would sooner have cut my tongue out of my mouth than have suffered it even to have whispered my passion But you see how very excuseable I am Younger than you by almost twenty years versed all my life in the arts of pleasing women and you know very well how many I have spared you in the charming days of our youth
Well well said the major that I dont pretend to deny
Many a delicious girl returned Standfast
that doted on me have I torn from my own arms to present to my friend
So you have—so you have—said the major
And what thanks you gave me for it said Standfast Dont you remember the little auburn haired wench at Ghent
What the counsellors wise cried the major She was a charming woman by my faith Come give me some wine I wonder what is become of her
I dont know said Standfast but major neither you nor I boggled at her being married that I recollect
True true cried the major but that you know was a different affair
It was indeed returned Standfast for I insist upon it I shewed myself in that instance capable of a more exalted friendship than you are for I loved her possessed her and yet gave her up to you deprived myself of a sweet felicity to oblige my friend Ah major you never got the start of
me but in this last business How different things used to be The gayest the most accomplished yielded to me in the art of pleasing and till I was satisfied none dared attempt to make a choice—Now a foolish woman who loves neither of us is to sow dissention between two friends who are all the world to each other
Damme cried the major but she shall not and if it was only a mistress curse me if I dont think that tongue of yours would prevail with me not to stand upon niceties but you know Standfast as it is
Oh cried the chaplain however miserable I may be I will consume in silence rather than utter another syllable
Well that is friendly said the major However returned the chaplain I hope you will lay an injunction on Mrs Malplaquet to treat me with civility
Oh you may depend upon that answered the major
And I think said Standfast I may venture
to insist that I am not the hypocrite the lady has thought proper to call me
Ill answer for that said the major
No no repeated the chaplain any scoundrel if you please Mrs Malplaquet but a hypocrite
After this upon asking the major if there was any remaining animosity his patron shook him heartily by the hand and swore he believed him to be the worthiest fellow upon earth
for where said he is there another man who being in love with your wife would have the honesty to confess it to your face
Having brought this dialogue between tame credulity and unblushing impudence to an end I shall only add that this worthy friendship seemed to be stronger cemented by what had passed
The remainder of the conversation turned on their former exploits in which Standfast did not lose sight of the main point but enlarged wherever he could on the satisfaction he had always received in administering to the majors pleasures
At length the major was led off to bed in much
about the same state of inebriety as the reader may remember to have seen Mr Mildman
Before I take my leave of this chapter I shall say a word or two concerning Mrs Malplaquet
This lady who was one of those living sacrifices which avarice offers up at the shrine of interest had to say the truth a very difficult task to perform Her parents though sprung from an honourable family were of a younger branch and therefore could give her but a thousand pounds The only man she ever loved had deserted her for a pert piece of deformity with just thirty times that sum Thus being perfectly indifferent what became of herself she gave her hand as the good chaplain has already kindly noticed to the major out of perfect obedience to her friends
The life she had led since—the only pleasurable moments of which were those she passed alone—may be easily guessed The audacious importunities of Standfast were much bolder than either he or she had described and he having repeated them in some way that night so as extremely to offend her—though she was remarkable for complacency and sweetness of temper—her anger had so far got the better of her forbearance as to force from her that
declaration of Standfasts dishonourable intentions which the reader has already seen he contrived by the power he had over his patron so to palliate as to leave her the object of resentment rather than him
I mention this for fear Mrs Malplaquet for whom I would wish to interest the reader should be wrongfully supposed to be one of those outrageously virtuous ladies who are eternally singing forth their own praises lest the world from its natural uncharitableness should unkindly imagine they are entitled to no praise at all—a practice at present in great and general credit And really I do not see why it should not for who so proper to be the herald of a mans merits as himself since he is surely competent to speak to his own motives from a thorough knowledge of whence they originate And if he should turn the best side outward it ought to be considered as a meritorious expedient to put himself upon a footing with his neighbour and so pay him in his own coin appearance being as requisite to establish one sort of reputation as paper to establish another neither of which could sustain any solid credit without such assistance for honour is a commerce as well as business and such ideal resources often prevent bankruptcies in both
THE worthy curate in his way home exulting at this new instance of his influence over the major uttered or rather I believe reflected the following soliloquy
Zounds what an escape—but it is nothing to a genius like mine Poor dolt how gloriously I ride him As to madam I fancy shell tell no more tales This is reducing things to a system but I always said it To palliate an accusation if you take a man by that foible his generosity you are sure to be safe Men are always liberal when there is nothing required but words
But to expedients This woman is a fool I had a scheme to her advantage Her husband cannot live long especially as I drench him and would she join me we might make a comfortable thing ont when once I should have preached his funeral sermon Well if she will kick down her
basket of glass ware that is her business I will try her however once more I am secure from any impertinent tattling The major will hear no more complaints If she comes to I shall be charmed for to say the truth she is a lovely woman if not shall I stake my interest against her folly No not were she a Venus
Tomorrow I will begin the attack and if she should not capitulate in a week I will then appear to raise the siege but it shall be only to prepare a mine which when once sprung shall either destroy her or make her prisoner at the mercy of her conqueror in which case she will not find in me the continence of POMPEY or ALEXANDER—No no my business is to talk of virtue let fools practise it who are content to take it for their reward
Whether all or any part of Standfasts plan was put in execution will hereafter be seen When he came to the above period he had just finished his meditation and his walk and having knocked at his door was let in by his confidential servant who beat Scrub out of sight in point of variety in his employments for as Scrub had one employment for every day in the week Mr Flush—for that was his name—had one for almost every day in the year
Nor to say the truth was there ever any person better cut out for a great mans appendage for I hope the reader already allows Mr Standfast to be a great man and as to Mr Flush or Mr Kiddy Flush—for he had also a nick name—if a fork be necessary to a knife fuel to a fire a scabbard to a sword a bucket to a well a bailiff to an attorney or a bully to a bawd the services of that faithful adherent were essentially material and absolutely necessary to his worthy principal nay I question if Kiddy was not very near if not altogether as great an original as his master
As however my opinion is of very little consequence if my good reader does not coincide with it I think it absolutely incumbent on me to delineate the portrait of the said Flush or Kiddy—for he was as often called one as the other—so let the claim to superiority rest either on the side of the man or master as it shall appear by the drawing and as it is usual in portraits to illustrate the character by some cymbolical ornament through the means of which you can lay your finger on the canvas and say this is a general for he has a truncheon in his hand and this a butcher for he has a nosegay in his bosom so will I give the like infallible traits to know the characteristic marks of Kiddys most striking qualities
As to his person it was for his size—for he was only four feet eleven inches high—the most compact that ever was seen but then as if nature had been fearful had she finished the front of this well proportioned structure equal to the rest of the work lest she should have been tempted to have thrown down her tools in despair his face was the most singular piece of deformity that can be conceived
His nose and chin like the head and tail of a weathercock pointed different ways yet not east and west nor north and south but to the zenith and nadir
Some were of opinion that he had no mouth when he was born but that the operator had made an incision to serve for one and that being in a hurry and his scissors none of the sharpest he had not only cut it in an oblique direction from the right side of the under jaw up to the left cheek bone but also zig zag so that when he laughed—indeed laugh he never did—but when he grinned—for his teeth were pretty even which lends probability to the business of the incision—
But pray excuse me from relating how he looked when he grinned till I have described his eyes one of which the left was smaller than the other and
whether it envied the superior size of its neighbour or was awed by conscious humility at its own insignificance I really cannot say but it fairly slunk into the opposite corner without even deigning or perhaps daring to cast one single glance to the right while the other in triumphant pride rolled or rather goggled about and appeared itself an Argus looking a hundred ways at once
To these unlovely marks—which in females are called certificates for their honesty—I must add that Kiddy was frightfully seamed with the small pox and that he received no addition in point of beauty from an explosion of gunpowder when he was abroad which stript the skin off his face except on a small part of one of his cheeks and one or two other places and thereby left such a violent redness for ever after that his face looked something like a rump steak or rather like red ochre in the grinding in which if you take up the muller you may see an appearance like branches of trees which answers exactly to seams of the small pox or to add one more simile which shall take in beard and all—for his beard like that of Hudibras was orange tawny—his complexion was like a red wine syllabub where here and there appears a splotch of white curd the whole gently tinged with a sprinkling of nutmeg
As to the grinning after I have said so much I think I should affront the reader by describing it He knows every feature now as well as I do and if he chuses to call up a grin in his imagination and when he has so done does not grin himself I can only say he is not the reader I took him for
Kiddy Flush had been employed from his youth up to beat the drum distribute the bills and slang the figures of a puppet shew where he had learnt a smattering of every thing He could scrape the fiddle vault on the slack wire swear a good round hand coax the girls get boozy and I am afraid thieve for if he had not this last qualification I cannot see why they should send him handcuffed which they really did on board a transport whose destination was to the American plantations
In short not to conceal the disgrace Kiddy was certainly transported to America from whence he contrived to get retransported to Ireland There he found means to get engaged as a drummer in the same regiment where Standfast was chaplain Indeed Kiddy Flush was the very person who taught Tiger Standfast to beat that reveille which has been already celebrated as a chef doeuvre
Were I to run through all the scenes so full of
srolic whim dissipation and singular dissoluteness which were practised by this trim tram this horse and his rider I might as well at once have given the world the adventures of Tiger Standfast and his man Kiddy but as that is not totally my intention I shall content myself with noticing that these worthy associates finding themselves very necessary to each other a league was entered into between them that mutual assistance should be given—to put the matter a little technically—in all breezes frisks plots queerings tricks humbugs and bambouzlings that they might find it expedient to engage in that the agreement should be understood as a partnership between them with this sole distinction that Flush should be openly considered as a servant and in that character be kept in subordination before company but permitted to speak his mind freely openly and without reserve when nobody should be present
Kiddy Flush at the time of his first introduction to the reader—for nothing is so advantageous as to bring on your principal characters with a good grace—was what is called half gone in his own language a little cockish for I must tell the reader—and that is really the last explanation I will trouble him with about Kiddy—that among the rest of his oddities his choice of words was the most singular It was composed of the cant terms of both his professions
to which he occasionally added a miserable pun and now and then a little bad French which he had picked up on his travels the whole interlarded with newfangled oaths
Kiddy had just been witness to a curious scene in the village and was bursting to disclose it to his master on his arrival At the same time it must be remembered that Standfasts head was entirely filled with what had passed at the majors
Kiddy then scarcely suffered his master to sit down before he began with
I say master there has been rum gig going forward this evening
Gig what do you mean said Standfast
his mind still running on his late adventure
Nay nothing said Flush no rang only we had like to have come off with tats thats all Shiver me if we had not been cute we should some of us have taken a leap without nobody to hold the blanket
Standfast thinking he alluded to the scrape he had so narrowly got out of replied
why how the devil came you to know any thing about it
Why Lord love you said Kiddy I know the whole manoeuvre of the thing and I must say it was bunglingly managed
Bunglingly said Standfast damme if I think any man in the world
ever drew himself out of such a hobble with half so much grace To have them both upon me the old soldier and his wife
Why master what are you upon said Flush The jonse I means bent no old soldiers nor their wives but a parcel of sheep biting poltroons—flats—mazards—who instead of pelting it out like hearties sneaked away to the boozing cases and left the enemy masters of the champ of battle
He here acquainted Standfast that at the moment of exhibiting the effigy of the vicar on its funeral pile a party of heroes from Castlewick who had heard from the clerk and the schoolmaster of the indignity intended to be offered to their worthy pastor rushed in saved those precious relics from the flames and bore them off in triumph while the affrighted Hockleymen fled amazed scarcely offering to resist—and it was well they did for the vicars adherents would have died on the spot rather than have yielded
However said Flush for the honour of the cause I rallied the scums and spoke a speech to them as near as I can remember in these um here words
Says I—Splinter your joints what are you about Will you after this pretend to call yourselves hearty culls rum codgers or valiant dickies You lump the Castlewickites—you be damned Dont you see the queer kids have made off with the toggies But however this here I will say—you had no maulers and they took you by surprize Dont be down hearted then To day is for them tomorrow may be for us Kallenge them nolens volens to the field fifty against fifty like worthies Thump it out kindly and then if you lose why you die like cocks and we will sing tiddium over your graves What say you my good master to my horation Was it not great high and crackish
Oh very great indeed General Flush returned Standfast What effect had it
Effect exclaimed Flush Damme it took like a train In an hour the kallenge was sent a categorical returned and tomorrow at five we beat to arms
Bravo cried Standfast but remember I know nothing of this Stay a thought strikes me I can make this matter of use my pretty piece of temptation yonder is squeamish I will think ont but it is late Good night Flush—
hearten your soldiers and dont forget that I must be a stranger to the whole business
The master and man here parted the one went to snooze as he called it and the other to meditate how he could make this accident of advantage to him
In this situation if the reader please we will leave them and return to the majors late as it is as I am anxious to make known what passed in the mind of Mrs Malplaquet after she retired to her appartment
That lady had a most faithful and honest friend in her handmaid Emma who was almost as singular a character as Flush though a perfect contrast for nothing in nature could be more harmless
Emma was the daughter of a bookseller in London who having a large family and being in no very flourishing circumstances was prevailed on to put her out as a ladys companion An advantageous recommendation brought her into the care of Mrs Malplaquet where she had been now retained for almost three years in which time she had made herself so necessary and so agreeable to her lady that
nothing I believe could have prevailed on her to part with so valuable an acquisition
What made her company so particularly desirable was the astonishing fund of information she had treasured up by sitting in her fathers shop Her mind was a kind of circulating library in little and I sincerely wish romances were always attended with the same good effects they produced in her for there is scarcely a good moral inculcated by them that she did not act up to Not that she had not formed a decided opinion of writings as well as writers but she rarely broached that opinion thinking with Madam DACIER that silence was the best ornament of the female sex It was evident however that it was wisely and judiciously chosen for at the head of her favourite authors she placed Dr JOHNSON though I rather think her great admiration of him must have been as a critic for the Doctor is known to have entertained a rooted dislike to mythology and indeed every figurative writing which does not square with what he calls truth and morality whereas Emma maintained that morality being the noblest drift of literature those writings were the most perfect which brought virtue into danger that she might rise the more triumphant and that such productions received an additional force and beauty from allegory and mythological allusion
The various merits of our literary Abigail will gradually unfold themselves as we go on I thought it necessary to say so much to account for Mrs Malplaquets determination of disclosing to her the business of Standfasts audacity and to advise with her what steps she should take
Emma heard the whole affair with great deliberation and pausing for some moments her lady asked her of what she was considering
I am looking madam said she over the catalogue of my mind to see if I have ever read any thing like it and upon recollection the same thing occurs in the Nonjuror one of CIBBERs plays which is taken from the Tartuffe of MOLIERE who had it I believe from PLAUTUS—and if I might advise you should serve your parson as the lady in that play does hers
How is that said Mrs Malplaquet for I really forget
Why madam replied Emma she pretends to be caught in his snare while she is laying one for him and placing her husband so as to overhear a pretended love scene between them his villany is detected and he is turned out of the house
I like the idea said the lady of all things in the world and with thy assistance am ready to set about it But how Emma if he should turn the tables upon us for he is very subtle
I know it very well madam said Emma for at this moment he is making as strong love to me as to yourself but I promise you he finds me a very Pamela
The lady expressed some surprize at this intelligence and asked her maid if she was not uneasy at it
On the contrary cried Emma I am charmed for to resist temptation is the proper exercise of virtue and serves as a kind of moral penance to strengthen us in our duty Oh I assure you madam you need not be uneasy one look from virtue though a lamb will as surely make vice crouch as the lion did at the sight of Una
By this time Mrs Malplaquet was undrest and soon after her maid retired which opportunity I shall seize to account for my having given two such subordinate characters as Flush and Emma so particular an introduction
To say the truth then I think that though the
clown should say no more than is set down for him yet he should say all that is set down for him The devil has been considered by some as the principal character in Paradise Lost Comus on all hands is allowed to have the better of the lady Will any one pretend to say Don Quixote would be any thing without Sancho In all the Spanish plays the servants are the principal characters and I have heard the soldier in WESTs General Wolfe spoken of as the best figure in the groupe Emma would have defended this argument by saying that Honor is drawn in as masterly a style as Sophia and Flush would have told you that both man and master were human puppets moved by the same slangs In short I write for all readers and I hope I have scarcely a character but some one or other will pitch upon for my hero
THE challenge from the Hockleymen having been as Mr Flush informed us accepted by the Castlewickites a large plain known by the name of the cricket green situated near the high road about midway between the two villages was pitched upon for the scene of action Thither repaired the combatants and there were they drawn up in battle array every man poising his hedgestake when a gentleman in a post chaise and four who had ordered the postilion to mend his pace when he first saw a mob assembled came up and cried out in a pretty authoritative voice that if the inhabitants of Castlewick did not desist they should lose his favour for ever
The Castlewickites expected a very different word of command Finding however their present general to be no other than Sir Sidney they thought proper to throw down what Mr Flush called maulers Upon this the Hockley men began to spring
forward with an exulting shout and would have dealt death among their unarmed enemies had not another authoritative voice commanded a suspension of hostilities on their part
This voice proceeded from no less a person than Mr Flush who having deliberately weighed the probable consequence of such violent proceedings began to think they would not be altogether so consistent with prudence He considered that the quarrel had originated with Standfast and that there would be enough to do without this new outrage to set matters to rights about the vicar It was therefore his business in quality of his masters friend—by means of which he knew he should be also his own—to soften matters and having an excellent opportunity owing to this piece of cowardice on the part of his adherents he holloed out as loud as his shrill pipe would permit him—
Why pink your livers what are going for to do Would ye stiffen your timbers go for to be such poltroons as to brush the jackets of a parcel of naked men Dont you see they have canted away their whackers
Then speaking in a lower tone to his lieutenant general—said he
The shew is over we must let
down the rug so do you parley to the hearties while I palaver the old rum kid yonder
Upon this he came up to Sir Sidney and was beginning to state the case in a very advantageous way to his master and himself when their attention was drawn off by a violent screaming at a short distance Directing their eyes to where the sound proceeded from they saw a coach overturned to which Sir Sidney ran and was indeed followed by the whole mob friends and enemies
The coach belonged to Major Malplaquet and there were in it at the time of this accident that gentleman his lady and the reverend Mr Standfast Neither the lady nor the curate received any material injury but the majors head had pitched against a ragged stone by which means his skull was dangerously fractured
The combatants their cause of quarrel and every other consideration was now absorbed in this melancholy accident
The major was with difficulty listed into his coach where Sir Sidney who had never seen him before offered to accompany him recommending his chaise to Mrs Malplaquet into which Mr
Standfast very politely offered to accompany her with a view as he said of keeping up her spirits
The lady however thought proper to refuse both offers and insisted upon going with her husband She however did not neglect to thank Sir Sidney with tears for his kind concern which indeed was as manifest as if the wounded person had been his own brother for he had by this time dispatched three servants to different surgeons Not but Mr Standfast appeared in some concern too but the glances he cast at the lady and the opera tune he softly whistled while he assisted his dying patron pretty well evinced that his mind ran rather upon the future than the present
Sir Sidney would not leave the major a moment but supported him in the coach with the utmost care and tenderness all the way home where by the time they arrived and the major was put to bed arrived also two of the surgeons who agreed that the major had not many hours to live They however bled him prepared bandages and one of them began to prepare for the operation of the trepan resolved that their patient should go out of the world secundum artem They were however disappointed for falling into a delirium he erupted a blood
vessel—which one of the surgeons very judiciously observed must have been injured by the fall—and was instantly suffocated
Mrs Malplaquet did not faint away nor even go into hysterics upon this occasion she felt however very severely It is true her tears did not prevent her from thanking Sir Sidney on the contrary she acknowledged his singular goodness in terms of the most lively gratitude yet her grief though it appeared only decent and proper was from the heart She no more than the vicar would have wished the destruction of the vilest reptile and though she never regarded the major with the ardour of love yet he had ever been kind and she grateful
I shall pass over the funeral at which Sir Sidney by a particular invitation from Mrs Malplaquet was present and only say that when all proper ceremonies and decent solemnities were over the widow after paying some legacies—the principal of which was three thousand pounds to the Reverend Mr Standfast as a trifling acknowledgment of his disinterested and honourable attachment—for the chaplain had frequently hinted that if a man left any thing to a friend it had better be in money which would prevent litigation The widow I say after
discharging these obligations found herself in the possession of a plentiful fortune
One circumstance however I must not fail to mention which is that Mr Mildman at the desire of Mrs Malplaquet preached the funeral sermon Nor can I avoid noticing that Sir Sidney furnished the epitaph which was no more than what follows
HERE are deposited the Remains of
Who feared his Maker
Served his Country
And left a grateful Widow to lament his Death
And celebrate his inferior Virtues
He died March the 1st 1751
Aged 71 Years
This epitaph Emma declared to be perfect in all its requisites for it told who was the person buried and very concisely pointed out his good qualities you also learnt by it when he died and how old he was Nay so much was she pleased that she doubted not if it had been written in latin but that Dr JOHNSON himself must have been perfectly content with it For her part she liked it as well as it was and that for a very good reason as she humbly conceived namely because she did not understand
latin Indeed she owned that this was one of the spots that candour obliged her to acknowledge were now and then to be discovered in the doctor He was very angry that Dr SMOLLETs epitaph was not written in latin and when he went into an apothecarys shop with Mr BOSWELL instead of asking for some trifling medicine he had occasion for he called for paper pen and ink and wrote it down in latin
These manners and opinions she thought—for nobody was so open to conviction as Emma—were upon erudition what rust is upon a coin which no one knows the value of but the possessor
Nothing could be so clear she said as what she advanced It was not every bodys lot to be blest with so much learning as the doctor which she maintained was very fortunate for if all men were arrived at such perfection as himself and were able like him of advancing incontrovertible ipse dixits argument would be at an end and of course literature along with it But as he was the only one who had ever pretended to be infallible and who certainly was so except in a few trifling points like this it might so happen that latin epitaphs would prove a sarcasm where they were meant to be a panegyric for to praise a dead person in a language
he was unacquainted with while living though a tacit would be a very strong satire besides being a cruel inconvenience to his family who must in this case be obliged to get the parson to construe the virtues of the deceased who after all perhaps might not be able to do it off hand She therefore clearly apprehended that as Dr JOHNSON had issued a literary bill enacting that an epitaph could not be perfect which did not mention the particulars before rehearsed the next infallible writer—if ever this country should be blest with another should be petitioned to move by way of rider that for the benefit of the public in general all such epitaphs should be done in English
But said she finishing her harrangue dear Doctor JOHNSON put me in mind at last of DOMITIUS AFER who would be an orator when he could no longer be audible and of whom QUINTILIAN said that he would rather sail than desist
It is now high time I should account for that strange jumble of accidents which in so short a time saved an hundred men from bodily hurt and yet killed another who had no concern at all in the fray
The reader will recollect that Standfast had a scheme in agitation It was this He knew Mrs
Malplaquet to be of a most tender and compassionate temper and he thought he could wound her through this weak side He had therefore lured the major and her out by way of an afternoons ride intending when they arrived at the field of battle to exclaim against the barbarity of the disputants to jump out of the carriage and to insist on their going peaceably home
This he thought the lady would take in such a light as must greatly forward his designs The contemplation of this scheme on his side and the hopes of detecting him on the side of Mrs Malplaquet made them on that afternoon better satisfied with each other than they had been a long time and gave the major such real pleasure that he declared as they were in the carriage that he never passed so happy a day in his life without divining poor man that it would be his last
Mr Standfasts kind intentions were however forestalled by Sir Sidney who through an unexpected dissolution of parliament was posting down to be rechosen for the borough of Neitherside
Thus are men saved or destroyed by the turn of a straw Thus the villagers slept in whole skins thus the major was hurried into the other world thus
were the designs of Mr Standfast frustrated and thus—for I cannot longer refrain from declaring it—did Sir Sidney see that phantom we formerly spoke of that disturber of his peace to whom he longed to open his mind
This is the secret I hinted to the reader at the end of the sixth chapter and I only desire to be resolved had I then divulged it—and thereby have neglected to bring him acquainted with the heartburnings of the two villages the contrast between the two parsons the singular friendship of Standfast and the major the amiable cast of Mrs Malplaquet the extraordinary qualities of her maid the wonderful and surprising talents of Mr Flush and every other person or thing that conduced to bring about that event which introduced Sir Sidney to Mrs Malplaquet—whether it would not have been doing things in a bungling and unworkmanlike manner
Besides I have now no further trouble with these people the reader is perfectly acquainted with them and if in future they should be thrown in his way let them speak for themselves
To be sure had they never appeared at all Sir Sidney might have been heartwhole but since a number of circumstances are likely to grow out of
this accidental interview I have even given it as it happened and shall now tell the reader when time had fully confirmed the baronet in his first opinion of the widow that she was a very handsome and what was more to him a very valuable woman he resolved to throw his fortune into her lap and his person into her arms and for this purpose he was determined to make her a proposal to that effect as soon as decency should permit it
Several reasons urged him to this first there was a secret which to make amends for my late transgression shall be almost immediately disclosed to the reader
Perhaps my readiness to indulge him may be attributed to malevolence because in doing so I shall be obliged to shew a speck in the character of Sir Sidney which to some may appear black place it in what light I will To this accusation however I plead not guilty solemnly declaring that in the most unrighteous moments of his life I truly believe he had as reasonable a stock of piety as any bishop would desire as much temperance soberness and chastity even in his very excesses as a gouty alderman under a regimen and at any rate as little desire of doing an injury to man woman or child as a Lord Chancellor
This however need not hinder the reader from exercising his own judgment which I not only desire he may do but also with the most critical care and nicety and when all the circumstances dangers temptations motives and inducements are clearly and fairly examined if he should not acquit Sir Sidney of every thing worse than venial frailty I must honestly take shame to myself for having palmed on the world as an exemplary character a mere mortal made up of flesh and blood and subject to wishes inclinations and desires like other men
I could say certainly that the very excellence of Sir Sidneys heart sprung from having as vigorous and turbulent passions as any rake in christendom and never having improperly given them the reins but once in his life But some of my readers may think that once too much And as a blot at backgammon is no blot till it is hit and a blot of ink is the easier discoverable in proportion to the whiteness of the paper on which it falls and as an atom is not only magnified but more deformed by being seen through a microscope so I fear this one fault will intrude itself on the readers remembrance in the very act of relieving distressed genius or wiping a tear from the cheek of an orphan If it should be
so I must submit for a reader like a pope is infallible and from his fiat there is no appeal
The story of Sir Sidneys incontinence—for incontinence it was and such things like murder will out—shall be told in the next chapter which will finish the first book of this history and while the reader takes time to consider what heinous crime this can possibly be let me bespeak his charity by informing him that Sir Sidney being once foreman of a grand jury whom the judge recommended to find a bill against a murderer because as he said such and such circumstances were which could not have been yet proved answered with an honest fervour—
My Lord in my opinion the prejudgment of an offence is half as criminal as the commission of it
WE are now going to enter upon action every thing already related having happened previous to the time when the reader and I entered the rookery or as Mr Bayes has it long before the beginning of this play We there left Sir Sidney apparently possessed of every comfort upon earth and yet unhappy This seeming paradox has been partly accounted for but let us hope as Mrs Malplaquet is now entirely mistress of herself that the bar to the completion of the baronets wishes may be removed
The major has now been dead nearly a twelvemonth and Sir Sidney has had many opportunities of confirming himself in the good opinion he originally entertained of the widow but as at his time of life marriage was no maygame he honestly solicited to be acquainted with every secret of her
heart frankly offering to encourage her by laying open the exact situation of his own
Mrs Malplaquet liked the proposal so well that she did not hesitate to give him every information concerning herself which I formerly gave the reader not forgetting to own with an ingenuous frankness that she had loved before and though were she to form a character she knew of no quality she would wish to make a part of it that Sir Sidney did not perfectly possess yet that warmth of affection which she had formerly cherished would never again she sincerely believed take place in her heart
Sir Sidney scarcely heard her to an end when he exclaimed—
Madam in opening my own heart I should have used the very same words I have loved and will imitate you by confessing that the object of my affection whether alive or dead is still dear to me Your resemblance of her first induced my admiration of you and the consonance of your sentiments with hers inspired me with an esteem of the truest kind which perhaps in marriage more securely ensures happiness than what is generally called love
To conside in your tender bosom the secret of
my passion is now my duty and if you will have the patience to hear me I shall shew you that those who are capable of most tenderness are effectively the least happy—but as old AESOP said when Prometheus took the clay to form man he tempered it with tears
The lady testified great impatience and the baronet proceeded to satisfy her in the following words
Being about ten years ago in the south of France I became acquainted with a gentleman of the name of Le Clerc He had a daughter who at the time I first visited in the family was just come home from a convent Conversations between French and English too often turn on the subject of religion As to Mr Le Clerc he was not satisfied with continually chanting forth the praises of that only and exclusive worship which according to him would procure salvation but he daily exhorted me to embrace his faith
This inconvenience I should have got rid of by renouncing his acquaintance or removing to another town but I had no such power I had spoken you may be assured warmly though not like an enthusiast of our own mild reasonable worship
representing it as the true medium between frantic zeal and subtle hypocrisy and though all my arguments served but to root the fathers opinion the stronger I plainly began to perceive I had made a convert of the daughter
In the convent where she boarded lived also several English ladies who had already began to stagger her sentiments—no wonder then her conversion was completed by the man she loved Yes madam plain downright and sincere as I was a beautiful girl of nineteen gentle as a cherub and good as an angel doated on me Nor was I behind hand with her I promise you for my affection was exactly of that sort which receives its pleasure by reflecting what it has given
This was the charm that withheld me We consulted together on the most expedient means to gratify our mutual wishes and though I dreaded the event it was resolved that I should offer myself to her father as the husband of my dear Annette I did so he heard me to an end and then very explicitly informed me that he would consent to my marriage with his daughter upon condition I changed my religion
I spoke of this as an unsurmountable objection
when he candidly told me he saw how matters were and would immediately send his daughter to a severer convent to prevent her from throwing herself into the arms of a heretic
I had scarcely returned to my lodgings to reflect on this adventure and the measures I ought to take in consequence of it when my servant came running to tell me that a post chaise was waiting at the door with a lady in it who desired to see me immediately Guess what was my surprize when I beheld my Annette who told me in as few words as possible that her father was at that moment gone to the abbess of a certain convent to agree to her entire exclusion from the world that she had chosen the moment of his absence to come to me and knowing how much my mind was above the false delicacy of sacrificing to ridiculous form and unnecessary ceremony she proposed at once going off for some town where we might be married in the protestant faith
You may be sure I did not hesitate but leaving my affairs to my faithful servant whom I ordered to stay and watch the motions of the enemy I leaped into the chaise and we were more than twenty leagues on our road to Geneva when poor
Annette was taken so very ill that it was impossible for us to proceed
I was in hopes her indisposition had proceeded from the fatigue the hurry of her spirits and those fears which were natural upon having taken so precipitate a resolution but I found myself lamentably mistaken her disorder encreased and I was greatly alarmed for her life By degrees however she recovered and though very weak we apprehended no more dangerous symptoms
During all this time as we were thrown among a parcel of boors I was obliged to give her every attendance I decently could This attention procured so free and uninterrupted an intercourse between us that is it wonderful when the rose began to revisit her cheeks and my whole soul was in a trance of happiness at the prospect of retrieving an inestimable treasure that a few days before I had dreaded to lose for ever—Is it wonderful thus unrestrained considering ourselves as man and wife we became so by every tie but the ceremony I will not comment on the circumstance perhaps it was inexcusable perhaps I ought not to have disclosed it but nothing could be purer than our intentions were and I have no opinion of secrets which are revealed after marriage
Mrs Malplaquet—which I think was very handsome in her—scarcely called it a fault because of the peculiarity of their situation and their intention of setting matters honourably to rights Nay she undertook to defend the conduct of the lady at which Sir Sidney was so greatly charmed that he sung forth very lavishly in praise of the widows generosity liberality and candour and declared that except now and then a sigh to the memory of Annette he should never have an intruding care
Well madam returned the baronet three weeks passed in pleasures which it is not in my power to describe At the end of this time my Annette having recovered sufficient strength to undergo the fatigue of her journey we set out for Geneva but scarcely had we got within a league and a half of those frontiers where by exercising the right of a husband I could have silenced the pretensions of a father when being overtaken by a posse of horsemen headed by Le Clerc my Annette was torn from me while I was overpowered and carried before the general of the police of the neighbouring town
This gentleman heard my story to an end laughed at my folly for not getting sooner out of danger took a handsome present of me and gave
me a letter to the father of Annette advising him to make up the breach by consenting to our marriage
I scarcely gave myself time for sleep or any other refreshment before I threw myself at the feet of Mr Le Clerc I got nothing from him however but a volley of reproaches to which I answered that his daughter was affianced to me that I considered her as my wife and would employ my whole fortune as well as the interest of the English embassador who was my particular friend to do myself justice
Every argument procured me a new insult I therefore went to Paris for the purpose of consulting my friend the embassador but as we were then upon the eve of a war and he expected every moment to be recalled it was out of his power to do me any service
Thus disappointed I returned once more to Provence There I found Le Clerc ten times more furious than ever He loaded me with a thousand invectives It had it seems been found out that Annette was with child and he swore he would rather see her expire than that she should bring a heretic into the world Vainly I represented
to him that he was now compelled by every motive of honour and justice to make us one He vowed my destruction
After hovering about the place for a considerable while—employing every emissary my purse could procure to trace out where they had sequestered Annette—and having learnt no more than that she was admitted into a convent at a considerable distance till she should lie in upon condition of taking the veil immediately afterwards I was musing one day what further course to pursue when my servant came running in with the greatest horror pictured in his countenance and told me if I did not immediately fly I should be imprisoned for life for that his dear lady—so he always called Annette—had died in childbed after bringing forth a girl and that her father out of revenge had procured a lettre de cachet against my person
Shocked as I was at this fatal news I did not however neglect my safety to which I was not a little prompted by a lively desire to succour the little innocent pledge of our tender affection I therefore followed my man through a back field mounted a horse of my own—for I feared to go
post—and made the best of my way towards Savoy
On the road my man informed me that the postilion who drove us to the house where Annette was taken ill happened to set a company down at Provence some time afterwards where being told among other things of the bustle Le Clerc had made in searching after his daughter to no purpose began to be convinced by putting different circumstances together that it must be her he had driven in my company for it had been explained to him that she had gone off with an English gentleman In hopes therefore of a bribe on the other side he went to Le Clerc confessed to him where he had taken us informed him of Annettes illness and assured him that as we talked of going to Geneva if he could not overtake us there was a great chance of catching us as we returned especially if we went to that house for as we must have stopt there some time they would at any rate be able to give a good account of us
Le Clerc did not hesitate a moment but set out with two friends and a party of the Marechause who came to the inn •ome hours after we had left it There they got every intelligence they wanted
and quickening their diligence they soon overtook us as I have already described
My servant also told me that he did not believe a syllable of Annettes death His real opinion was that she had taken the veil for that it was a very common thing for their friends to give out whenever that event took place that they were dead to prevent troublesome importunity and in the present instance it was extremely probable because could I have found out the convent to which she was devoted I should have left nothing untried to shake that vow which I was sure she never would have taken but by compulsion
And for heavens sake said the widow what is become of the child
She is well madam—answered the baronet
But where said the widow
At a school about twenty miles off replied Sir Sidney
You astonish me replied she How did you preserve her
You shall hear said the baronet
Having left respectable connections in Provence I received intelligence from thence that very soon after I left France Le Clerc quitted that part of the kingdom but they never could hear to what
place he retired About two years afterwards—no longer apprehending any ill consequences from the lettre de cachet—I went again to Provence but however had my journey for my pains
Three other visits were made with no better success Last year however I was more fortunate for I had not been many days in the town before a nun of the order of St Clare called at my friends house and demanded to speak to me—She informed me that her order being one of those which are allowed to have intercourse at certain times with the world she was desired by an abbess of another convent to let me know that my child would be delivered up to me
You may believe I was charmed with this intelligence I went with her to the convent where I enquired very earnestly for Annette but they confirmed every thing I had before heard Nay I was even shewn her grave which you may be assured I watered with my tears In short I came away bringing with me her living model who I sincerely believe was not out of my arms an hour at a time till my arrival in Warwickshire
Your doubts after this subsided I suppose
cried the widow
I cannot say they did returned the baronet the little creature at this moment talks of Madame Le Clerc whom she used to call mamma in a great house like a church I therefore think my being shewn the grave was a religious fraud invented to deter me from searching for her in vain
She is certainly irrecoverably gone and therefore dead to me No I shall never forget her but let me not forget myself Providence permitted this separation perhaps to punish us for the crime of having impetuously gratified our wishes before they received the sanction of religion It is a heavy punishment but I will not incur a greater by repining
Here Sir Sidney paused Several parts of his narrative were recapitulated and a variety of reflections grew out of them on the instability of human expectations Sir Sidney apologized to Mrs Malplaquet for having so freely opened his heart to her and she sincerely assured him it had considerably augmented her esteem for him
I shall not trouble the reader with his reply or her rejoinder but only say that after a number of
civil things had passed on both sides he reminded her that he wanted a mother for his child and she without affectation at length promised to undertake that task
In a word she shortly after became Lady Roebuck to the great satisfaction of the baronet the confusion of Standfast and the universal joy of Castlewick
As a variety of circumstances—many of them very unexpectedly—will shortly present themselves to the reader I think it necessary as far as I may conceive it our mutual interest to prepare him for their reception Indeed it is my intention to adopt this practice frequently in the course of this history not in such a way however as to anticipate any thing. Nay I will not promise that these explanations shall always be literally what they seem for should I wish to cover or disguise any circumstance till the proper moment of making it known I hope he will not be angry if I put him a little upon a false
scent by way of exercise to get him an appetite to the real game when at last he shall come up with it
I beg however it may be understood that these false lights are not intended unnecessarily to lead him astray I know this literary Will o th Wisp is often introduced but I disclaim it as an unpardonable and impotent attempt at a spurious wit which is really an affront to every intelligent reader So much indeed do I hold such sort of trifling a thing that ought on no account to be excused that I desire this work may be considered perfect only in proportion as every circumstance even the most minute and apparently insignificant tends to promote the general effect and that effect holds out a laudable and improving moral
We have heard very little of Standfast since the death of Major Malplaquet This worthy wight which will be very little doubted laid strong siege to the widow for as I said before she became at her husbands decease very wealthy She however having nobody to please but herself gave him such a reception as soon convinced him that his hopes were like some of the projects of our late builders—fair and elegantly finished in the estimate but mere skeletons in practice
Thus disappointed he pocketed his trifle as he called the three thousand pounds and decamped contenting himself with whispering that he might very easily have married the widow if he had thought proper but knowing ones were not to be taken in that women who would sip in the time of their first husbands might taste when they got a second and that perhaps had he been fool enough to be caught he might have doated too and so have gotten a lusty chaplain to help him out as somebody else did
These gross jokes were faithfully retailed by Mr Flush Not however without a finish that if the governor—meaning Standfast—had braced the drum of matrimony a certain genteel dapper cock of an humble servant of his would not have feared coming in for a trevally or so
I have never told the reader that Mr Standfast and Mr Viney were very intimate friends and perhaps he has divined why if not he will presently The fact however was so They had known each other for several years and indeed upon Vineys being civilly dismissed from Lord Hazards house he consulted Standfast whom he well knew to be a perfect Machiavel in domestic politics upon the likeliest means to preserve his declining interest in that family
The stream of Standfasts interest going at that time in another channel nothing came of the negociation but the major being dead and he expelled from the presence of the widow the two friends finding themselves in the same situation and that the interest of one was the interest of both they laid their heads together and considered of the matter in every point of view At length they agreed that nothing could so perfectly answer their several wishes as to get Standfast into Lord Hazards family Take their own words
It is such a damned good scheme said Standfast that I envy you for thinking on it but I am devlishly afraid it is not practicable
You are right cried Viney let us tread sure Go on warily I know his foibles that is one thing in our favour
How is he for a first sight attack said Standfast
A very dove cried Viney a greenhorn
That is lucky said Standfast we have nothing then to consider of but the introduction Does he know any thing of me
Only by hearsay replied Viney and now I recollect what he did hear was to your advantage Let me see what was it Oh that the major out of his great friendship had left you
considerably and in particular had commanded his lady on his death bed to take you for her second husband
Ridiculous cried Standfast the old fellow never spoke after the accident and as to the widow my dear Sir she was too peery No no nothing less than the title of my lady would content her
Odso said Viney I wonder at it too You used to be pretty sure of your mark when the doe was to be struck Ha ha ha
True true cried Standfast but this was so skittish she would have taken more powder and shot as well as patience than I would spare upon any such doe were she the transformation of a goddess Hang her let her go She has enough to say against me but if she prattles we must retaliate right or wrong
That to be sure said Viney is but selfdefence but to our business Lord Hazard is now seeking out a tutor for his favourite Charles and I own I should like to gall him there Hey my friend am I not right There I feel my sisters injuries
Well hit faith cried Standfast—They tell me it is a fine mettled boy I will bring him up well
Not so fast interrupted Viney In the first place did he know of our intimacy it would be an immoveable bar to our design and then he is determined to receive none but an exemplary character
Me again exclaimed Standfast I will give him examples of pleasure that might resuscitate old Anacreon that is to say behind his fathers back and lessons of morality before his face that might be heard and approved by listening angels
But still our intimacy said Viney
We must get over that replied Standfast Let me see—I have it—cant I introduce myself to some family in town—or make my court to any relation of the wife Zounds now I recollect there is a capital house in the city—Ingot the wiredrawer—where they make me very welcome Lord Hazard occasionally banks there If I can but get recommended to preach two or three charity sermons and afterwards invited to dine with the stewards the business is done I am sure Mr Ingot is under obligations enow to me for I so did up his elder brother by making him genteel that in consequence of two or three genteel faux
pas he at last genteelly finished himself by which this remaining brother got to be head of the firm and so you see Viney one good turn deserves another
True true said Viney
So said so done Standfast left a friend to officiate for him at Little Hockley and repaired to town where he so well set his engines to work that in six months he not only got introduced to Lord Hazard but contrived so to sustain the several essays made on his disposition and abilities that he issued from that ordeal through which the reader may remember my lord was determined his sons tutor should pass so perfect as to fix himself securely in that noblemans good opinion and indeed—which I should not think it necessary to set down but by way of regularity—Mr Standfast was the very gentleman introduced to Lady Hazard in the fourth chapter of the first book in quality of tutor to her son
If the reader should wonder how it came to pass that Lord Hazard did not know the irregularities of Standfast especially as one was curate of Little Hockley and the other landlord I must inform him that his lordship had never visited his estate in Warwickshire but once after his second marriage
but repaired to a villa about twenty miles from London which he bought soon after he came of age Indeed as soon as he determined to give over his excesses Little Hockley was the last place upon earth he wished to think of His rents were punctually remitted and this was all he ever would hear upon the subject
Neither his reformation however nor this caution altered his character in the opinion of the villagers for as the sons and daughters of Little Hockley were many of them of his getting and the rest very ambitious to be thought so they never dreamt that he had any virtues but remembered his vices only glorying in them and speaking of them in so familiar and shameless a manner as if every meal they tasted was the sweeter for being garnished with the bread of dishonour
I will not suppose my reader to be so inexperienced as to think that Standfasts views were merely confined to his intention of becoming the tutor of Charles nor on the other hand will I believe him so sagacious as to discover what they really were—We can scarcely credit that a man of this worthy clergymans consummate experience in human traffic had not a material point to carry especially now
he was in partnership with Viney If it was so it will certainly come in its proper place which unless I had a wish—which I really have not—to destroy the readers pleasure cannot possibly be here
Having fixed Mr Standfast in the family of Lord Hazard we will now speak of Mr Flush That valiant thumper of parchment having received a handsome sum and a long lesson from his quondam master was transferred through Viney to the original Lady Hazard now reduced to Mrs OShocknesy and by her again transferred to her son at college
I shall also say that Mrs OShocknesy was present at one or two of the latter consultations relative to the grand business nor indeed was Flush absolutely left out It was on the contrary found necessary to let him partially into the matter for said he very archly
If you dont let me into the maxim of the thing how the devil shall I be able to move your figures for you
A letter from Flush to Standfast after he had been six months at Eton shall finish this chapter—I shall give it the reader in his own words
The young one begins to be up to most things but his book and yet lord love you give him but a tippling gig and an arm full of red and white and such crackers as I and your honour could wind him about our fingers as easily as a bunch of slangs I gave my soft master tother day a trifling bit of a rap about the country ken but Neddy seems all to go with the old Nan Howsomdever I bent one of them thats easily revulsed if he wont go by an exercise I must beat up a charge See ony puss poing ony gain poing as we say abroad Oh revawr my shire mater
Yours tell death K FLUSH
Notey beney Whatever gait you morrice take the advice of a fool and never think any more of ploughing with the heffer
Generals have been known to settle with their aid de camps a kind of characters so unintelligible to any but themselves that should information fall into the enemys hand no ill consequence could ensue One
would think Standfast and Flush had made this same agreement In truth did I believe the reader could make Kiddys letter into English I should not have inserted it As it is I shall leave it by way of aenigma which he may either stay and solve or go on to the next chapter and so leave the explanation of that and every thing else to what I may conceive the proper season for it
I would nevertheless have that as well as many other particulars in this chapter carefully attended to Gangrenes begin by a small spot and the egg of a crocodile has as inoffensive an appearance as that of a goose
Mr STANDFAST no sooner sat down in Lord Hazards family than like a spy in an enemys camp he began to reconnoitre its situation strength and disposition to examine whether the body was well united whether there were any rotten members whether centinels dared to sleep on their posts whether the commanding officer was most loved or feared—In short to use his own words—though I would not have the reader infer from thence that he was a cobler in his business—he had the length of every foot in the family
Not however to be outdone in courtesy there was not one among them that had not something to say in his favour My Lord declared he was a man of strong intellects and sound erudition He did not think him a saint nor wish him to be one Solid argument for ought he could see might as well be discussed over a glass as a lamp and as to gaiety and carelessness he dreaded nothing from them for they could harbour no ill designs He was a little
surprised at hearing from Standfast that he had been frequently in his life taken in but it gave him an opportunity of exercising his sagacity by remarking that those who mix most with the world know least of it—as it was said of Lord ANSON after he had been a prey to sharpers that he had been over the world but never in it Upon the whole he thought Mr Standfast a fair undesigning man and both a proper tutor for his son and companion for himself
Lady Hazard was no less prepossessed in favour of the tutor She looked upon him as an unaffected cheerful man perfectly well bred and as she saw his being in the house gave her lord particular satisfaction really felicitated herself upon this acquisition to the family
The butler liked him for though he could well distinguish the different qualities of the wine yet he never made use of his knowledge to a poor servants disadvantage In short there was not a person in the family whose good opinion he had not been anxious to procure and one would have thought with more care and industry than belonged to such a trifle for he so succeeded that he was allowed to be a true servants friend
Mr Standfast had certainly no Iago to egg him on He knew however as well as that subtle gentleman himself that trifles light as air in cases of art are of great use and he doubted not but they would as much conduce to answer the purposes of one kind of hypocrisy as another
As to the pupil he loved Standfast like a father and took instructions from him full as fast as the other could give it which between ourselves not a little embarrassed the tutor who begging Lord Hazards pardon was not so profound a scholar as that kind patron in his liberal warmth had represented him
Standfast feeling this deficiency pressed his lordship to carry his scheme into execution of having Charles taught music and painting thinking and very rightly that relieved by those avocations he should be able to make his stock of learning last as long as he might have occasion for it
Having worked his materials into a proper temper Mr Standfast now began to think of moulding them to his different purposes but this required the nicest care and circumspection My Lord plumed himself upon being no novice and Lady Hazards amiable heart and unconquerable duty
barred all possibility of flattering the most distant hopes had there been any such conceived of staggering her virtue or even her prudence
Something Mr Standfast was certainly hatching up and while it was in contemplation a most singular circumstance happened which that gentleman did not fail to lay up as food for his project
Lord and Lady Hazard were one night in a side box at the playhouse where behind them sat a lady and two gentlemen one of whom the fair one often called brother and the other Sir Daniel At the end of the amusement while they were waiting for their carriage one of these gentlemen seeing a person go out of the opposite box exclaimed
there he goes and by God Ill be after him
Immediately upon this he darted out of the box followed by the other who warmly entreated him not to be precipitate Almost at the same moment the lady shrieked out
Good God there will be murder
and immediately fainted away
Neither the good offices of Lord Hazard nor his lady were wanting to restore her which desirable event they at length happily achieved The lady now begged for heavens sake he would have the goodness to conduct her to her coach which entreaty
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Lady Hazard seconded with all her eloquence—Upon this the ladys footman from the lobby summoned the coach to the door and my lord having very politely seen her into it returned with an intention to join Lady Hazard In his way he encountered one of the gentlemen he had seen in the box who accosted him with
I must thank you Sir for the civility you have done me
Sir answered Lord Hazard with great politeness if you mean in respect to any attention shewn to the lady it was but my duty and I am already thanked
I dare say you are replied the other but that wont go down with me In short you are a scoundrel and I insist upon deciding the matter immediately it can be done in this tavern—
Sir said Lord Hazard very spiritedly I do not think myself obliged to answer so unprovoked and rude an assault but as every thing in your appearance except this insult calls you gentleman I attend you Sir
At this moment Standfast who had been at the other theatre and had by promise returned to go home with Lord Hazard came up and boldly enquired who it was that dared to insult that nobleman—upon which a crowd having gathered about the cry was
settle it in the tavern—settle it in the tavern
There they now adjourned but not before
Lord Hazard had dispatched Standfast to his lady to request that she would stay for that he should be immediately with her
When they were come to the place of explanation Lord Hazard was more at a loss than ever—The gentleman who had insulted him brought against him a direct accusation of carrying on a clandestine correspondence with his sister which he said was doubly dishonourable as she was at the point of marriage to a worthy young baronet
This charge was parried by a declaration that till the present evening the lord had never seen the lady but the brother treated this excuse with contempt and was for fighting it out instantly mixing his invectives with some insinuations about a masquerade The company however opposed his warmth and the clamour was so various and violent that nothing distinctly could be understood It was therefore determined as with one voice that the affair should not then be decided but as it seemed a matter of delicacy the disputants should privately exchange addresses and meet with each a friend to talk the business over in the morning This was immediately complied with and now arrived Standfast with news that Lady Hazard had quitted the boxes and he supposed was gone home
Lord Hazard and Standfast betook themselves to a hackney coach in which on their way the latter was made acquainted as far as my lord knew it with this mysterious business Standfast said it must have originated in some mistake which he supposed would be cleared up on the morrow for added he
you never saw the lady before did you my lord
Never in my life said Lord Hazard
Nay said Standfast if you had the fellow need not have made such a piece of work about it for I am very much mistaken or she is one of the right sort and very likely the brother is only a led knight employed to bully in her cause therefore were I your lordship I would take care if I must be forced into a duel it should be with a gentleman
My Lord declared that he most sincerely believed the lady was a woman of honour for said he
I never saw more unaffected signs of modesty As to the brother I think with you that the whole matter will prove a mistake and the affair blow over
You know my lord cried Standfast I always yield to you in matters of experience; however we shall see for I hope I am to have the honour of accompanying your lordship tomorrow
Why I was thinking so too said my lord but as the gentleman may unfortunately happen to call in my absence and as it would be a kind of tacit reflection on my honour if he should go away unsatisfied I will get you to stay and receive him I hope however to prevent his coming for I shall be out very early to convince him that I am as anxious to bring this business to a finish as himself As to a second you know if it should be necessary I can take our friend Colonel Tiltly
They now arrived at Lord Hazards house where they found my lady who informed them that having stayed till there was no soul in the theatre but herself she prevailed on the boxkeeper to find her servants and see her to her coach
But my lord said she what could possibly detain you
Lord Hazard who had never considered that this question would certainly be asked him was totally unprepared to answer it After some hesitation however he faultered out in great apparent confusion
Nay not the lady I assure you my love
I did not know but she might have had another fit said Lady Hazard in that case it would have been inhumanity to have left her
Why if it had been so replied my lord where would have been the great crime in it
Crime returned her ladyship I had no idea of any such thing Charity is no crime my lord but really your looks accuse you more than I do I appeal to any body if I was a jealous wife whether a standerby would blame me if I should be suspicious at this moment
Well then upon my honour madam said Lord Hazard I only saw the lady to her coach and was returning to you but a particular business which happened very unexpectedly prevented me This Mr Standfast knows to be truth
Standfast was here beginning a very handsome excuse for his friend when the lady stopt him and addressing herself to my lord said
My dear if you had not made this last declaration if your friend here had not seconded you if I had actually been told that you went home with the lady that she was an old acquaintance of yours and that she came into the box by your appointment I should never have mentioned the subject again—therefore I beg my lord I may not hear of it from you
This is ridiculous said his lordship you conjure up a parcel of imaginary stuff and then argue upon it as if it really existed
God forbid it ever should exist said the lady I only mention it to shew if it really did what a good wife I should be
Supper was now brought in and the subject of course dropt
The three persons concerned in it however did not so easily dismiss it from their thoughts as they had from their tongues They neither eat much supper nor enjoyed much rest and what appears very extraordinary Standfast who one should think was least concerned ruminated on it the most
Perhaps the catastrophe of this adventure may bring out what his cogitations were Those of Lord and Lady Hazard may be very easily guessed I cannot help however remarking that this night was the first they ever slept together without speaking to each other nor did my lord ever before leave his lady so early or so abruptly
If the reader wishes the matter to clear up and
that a reconciliation should take place it is more than Mr Standfast did who very archly remarked as he came down stairs in the morning that he must be a bungling physician indeed who did not know how to irritate as well as to cure
LADY Hazard having been told by my lords gentleman that her husband was gone out and had left word he should not return perhaps till dinner sat down to breakfast with Mr Standfast and her son Charles which meal however was very short for the tutor appeared exceedingly anxious to introduce his pupil to some new author with whom the young gentleman seemed as evidently to wish himself acquainted They therefore retired to the library and left the lady to herself who for some minutes afterwards continued in a profound reverie not knowing what to make of her husbands having gone out so unprecedentedly for as to the adventure of the preceding night she had pretty well made up her mind on it
There was not much time to reflect on that or any thing else before the door opened and a person walked into the room whom Lady Hazard knew immediately for the very same Sir Daniel whom she had seen at the playhouse She was for a moment
astonished but recollecting herself she got up and was making her way towards the bell when the gentleman who for some reason or other did not seem to approve of her taking that step got the start of her and disputed the pass
No no my dear madam said he that cannot be you must suffer me to prevent you Besides what would your servants say if you called them about you
Say Sir answered the lady with a look of ineffable disdain one of them was witness to your ruffianlike behaviour last night and would want no order from me to treat you as you merit—which chastisement if you do not wish to provoke you will begone instantly
Not till you have granted my pardon said he By heaven this visit which I have managed to a miracle was meant only as an atonement for my last nights offence Twas madness—liquor—any thing you will
Dare not Sir said the lady to affront my ears with your gross insolence
Nay then cried he there is but a moment and by heaven I will not lose it Charming creature look with
pity on me
What do you mean exclaimed Lady Hazard Nay unhand me or Ill raise the house
Never cried the ravisher this minute shall seal my happiness
Heavens cried the lady shall I be treated thus—is there no one near me
Yes madam cried Standfast who entered the room there is one near you and ever ready thus to treat the villain who shall dare to wrong such beauty and innocence
So saying he flew at the ravisher as if he would have throttled him Then pausing—
But hold said he my regard to Lady Hazards character protects you in this house—Tell me who you are and expect me in half an hour at the Smyrna
I am called said the other Sir Daniel Dogbolt and will not fail you may be assured As to you madam said he I sincerely regret that I have given you a moments pain What a wretch I am—last night—Oh that it had been prosperous or that I could blot it from my memory
Here he left the room and Mr Standfast ringing the bell a servant presently made his appearance who asking if he was wanted was told only to see the gentleman out to which he answered that John
had opened the door and the gentleman offered him half a guinea but he would not take it
Very well said Standfast take away the things
which while the servant was doing he whispered to Lady Hazard to compose herself—for she was on a sofa and seemed indeed extremely flurried
When the servant was gone out of the room Standfast advanced to Lady Hazard and said
I should be extremely unhappy if zealous in your ladyships cause I have done any thing in this business contrary to your wishes
Good God cried the lady how can you have such an idea Mr Standfast A ruffian assaulted me and you came to my assistance Can such conduct demand any thing less from me than the warmest thanks
Madam I beg your pardon said Standfast but it has been a strange business altogether I had for one moment—perhaps for which I ought never to be forgiven—forgot the unsullied purity of Lady Hazard and when I heard from the gentleman that insinuation concerning last night—but it is impossible—I see it—he must be a villain I will answer with my life that if ever a heart was the mansion of innocence yours is
I thank you for your opinion sir said the lady I hope I deserve it As to last night I will not make a mystery of it now though I thought I had sufficient reason for it then After my lord left me this bold man came back to the box and seeing me alone began to enquire what was become of the lady I told him that at my desire my lord had conducted her to her coach upon which he said he would remain to thank him for his civility as well as to protect me from any insult—He behaved very properly at first but as the house thinned his conversation took quite a different turn He first said he wondered my lord did not return then said he was surely gone home with the lady and at last assured me that to his knowledge she was an old acquaintance of his At length he ventured at some rude freedoms but at that moment John came to ask me if he should draw off the coach and seeing what passed did not hesitate to treat the ruffian pretty severely for his insolence
Blessings on him for it cried Standfast as well as for refusing the money just now I never thought it of him I confess before but I see he is a noble fellow—but go on madam
I suffered myself said Lady Hazard to be
conducted by my servant and the boxkeeper to my coach and came home when having cautioned John never to open his lips on the subject I took the resolution of keeping it from my husbands knowledge for fear of his resentment
Nothing could be more commendable certainly said Standfast Insufferable impudence in a public place too a fellow you had never seen before I suppose And then to have recourse to that stale trick of accusing my lord—so worthy a character so good a husband
Heaven forbid I should think him otherwise said the lady but how came this audacious man here Which of the servants could shew him into this apartment
Oh I can account for that said Standfast—
Can you sir said the lady
That is to say answered the tutor I think I can guess You know my lord entrusted me with the business of last night upon which between ourselves he is gone out this morning
Well and what then said the lady a little peevishly
What then cried Standfast really it is so awkward a business to answer you had better not enquire about it for upon my word I am not at liberty to tell you
This is the strangest mystery said the lady—Surely if you know any thing of the matter you can explain to me how this man came here
Why very true returned Standfast as far as it relates to that madam I can have no objection My lord upon going out this morning desired me to receive every person who should call and I suppose as I had not left the breakfast room five minutes when this pretty gentleman was shewn up here—
But still that is very extraordinary said the lady for no servant announced him
Why then certainly he must have been previously shewn into the library said Standfast while Charles and I were in the little study Suppose I ring to know but upon second thoughts I had better not One servant already has been witness of—but however I will quiet him
I cannot think of it said the lady and whatever may be the consequence rather than my conduct should appear so equivocal I am resolved to acquaint my lord with every thing just as it has fallen out
You would not surely be so mad cried Standfast He has quite enough upon his hands about it already I tremble for him at this moment—
Good God said the lady one would think you wanted to drive me distracted Why tremble for him What has he upon his hands
I beg your pardon madam returned Standfast my anxiety my warmth—Oh that I could dissemble like other men this absurd frankness of mine is always leading me into scrapes
Mr Standfast said the lady very earnestly if you have any thing to tell me that regards my happiness—for I now begin to suspect you have—do not keep me in this dreadful suspence if on the contrary my husband has entrusted you with any thing, and enjoined you not to inform me convince him of your friendship by shewing you are worthy of his confidence
Good heaven said Standfast where is there such another woman to be found—of such nice prudence—such delicate honour What my lord entrusted me with madam he certainly left to my own discretion However as one would think it implied a wish to conceal every thing from you—
and yet a breach of confidence where any thing so valuable as your peace of mind is concerned would—
By no means interrupted the lady nothing could induce you to forgive yourself—
But my dear madam cried Standfast finding her curiosity so tardy the thing cannot remain a secret the newspapers will be full of it
Well Sir cried the lady it will then be time enough to tell me what I now plainly see will make me wretched whenever I know it
I may not live perhaps till then madam said Standfast
Not live said Lady Hazard what do you mean
Surely you forget my appointment said Standfast with the gentleman at the Smyrna
You will not be so mad cried she
How returned Standfast my honour is engaged and in your cause Adieu and if I should fall do me the justice to reflect that my last moments were spent in your service
So saying he ran precipitately down stairs regardless of Lady Hazard who several times called after him to return She now summoned John into her presence told him to go immediately to the Smyrna coffeehouse and desire in her name that Mr Standfast would come back and that if he saw any mischief going on to call any assistance he could to prevent it
John was scarcely out of sight when Lady Hazard reflected what a strange errand she had sent him on and was about to ring the bell to dispatch another servant after him when she recollected this would be only making bad worse
Thus situated it is impossible to describe what she felt Anger for my lord—compassion for Standfast—fear for herself intruded all at once on her gentle mind and yet she knew not why
In the midst of this contention she sought for her son with a view in his conversation to alleviate her uneasiness when going into the library the first object that struck her was Lord Hazard who had gone there in search of Standfast Nothing could equal their mutual surprise out of which my lord first recovering himself said
So madam I am come home you see
Yes said the lady and before dinner too
Well cried my lord are you not obliged to me
My Lord said Lady Hazard I shall never think myself obliged to you for any conduct of which I dont know the motive
Pshaw cried my lord you know I hate discontent
And I dissimulation said the lady
They were going on in this manner when Charles
came into the room with a book
Oh madam said he are you here Where is Mr Standfast I came to shew him the prettiest thing I ever met with in my life Shall I read it my lord
I am in no reading mood at present said Lord Hazard
Read it to me my love answered the lady
Charles answered with strong indications of surprise at the looks of his parents
I would read it to you but it is in Greek however I will tell you the sense of it It is an allegorical allusion to the polity of either a kingdom or a family and given in the way of advice by a sage to a king who had quarrelled with his subjects
There was a river says the author that delighted to expand its smooth surface to the beams of the sun Its banks were embossed with verdure it nourished myriads of scaly inhabitants and it glided through the meadows with a placid and majestic grandeur to the surprise and delight of every beholder An unexpected cataract from a neighbouring mountain on a sudden dimmed its lustre and ruffled its tranquillity till hurried by the overbearing conflux it forced itself into two distinct channels—there murmuring it bemoaned
its sad and vagrant fate At last each stream as if by joint consent burst the banks which separated them and they met together in affectionate reconcilement no more to part till divided by the ocean
Thus says our author after intestine broils may every kingdom or family endeared by love and loyalty unite and never separate till received into the bosom of fate
CHARLES having finished his allegory asked his parents how they liked it Lord Hazard said he believed there were very few kingdoms or families either that were not subject to such cataracts—Charles answered it must then be mismanagement in not properly guarding against them
You are right my dear said his mother but what can be done with inundations that force their way like miners in a town and do mischief in proportion as their source is concealed
Perhaps my lord took this as something meant at him for looking very earnestly at his lady he said
you are wonderfully sagacious madam
and then turning to his son asked what he had done with Mr Standfast
Here John entered the library saying
Madam I went as your ladyship ordered me but they were gone
Oh said the lady in great apparent confusion
ta—tis—very well John—and when does her ladyship—
Ladyship answered John first looking at Lord Hazard and then at his lady—
But you say they were gone returned the lady
Well tell Frill I am going to my dressing room
Yes my lady said John and retired
Lord continued Lady Hazard what could I be thinking about
What indeed said my lord Something one would imagine not altogether so ingenuous by your evident embarrassment
My embarrassment answered she recollecting herself and then gathering strength from the consciousness of her integrity no my lord there is nothing disingenuous in me as you shall very easily be convinced when you have shewn me all that passes in your own heart
So saying she left the room
In my heart muttered my lord Why zounds
—but seeing Charles he restrained himself Then endeavouring to give the matter a different turn said with a forced smile
I suppose your mother is angry at my going out to breakfast this morning She would be prudent however not to threaten me
Here Mr Standfast came into the room and the moment my lord saw him he exclaimed
here I am
sound
And safe I hope my lord said Standfast
I dont know that answered the patron but come with me I have a great deal to tell you
The lord and the tutor now walked out of the room and Charles returned to his study not however without telling Mr Standfast he would not allow him to play truant in that manner
The lord told his friend as soon as they were in a room by themselves that not finding Colonel Tiltly at home he had been to Mr Snaffles house alone where he was surprised to find that gentleman had been gone out about an hour it being then pretty early
and as I knew continued my lord that if he came you would give him a proper answer I sat down to wait his return I had scarcely been there five minutes before his sister came in Seeing a stranger as she imagined she would have retired but presently recollecting me she paid me some wellbred acknowledgments for the attention I had the pleasure of paying her last night I answered this civility and gave my visit a turn of enquiring after her health complimenting her at the same time on the little prejudice her fears had done her complexion She lamented her brother
was not at home but added that she expected him every minute and begged I would take breakfast
Though I knew my hotheaded gentleman would only be still more exasperated at finding me tete a tete with his sister I resolved to accept her invitation nor do I repent of my resolution for I confess to you I never met with a woman more unaffectedly captivating You know Standfast I like a sincere candid openness of behaviour and it was never more strongly manifested than in the sweet manner of this lovely young creature
In the course of our conversation on the adventure of yesterday evening I learnt the real cause of that strange medley of circumstances which introduced a coolness for the first time between my wife and me gave me a fresh proof of thy kind attachment—here Standfast bowed—and brought me in company with the most lovely woman my eyes ever beheld
I was astonished to find myself a great deal more concerned in this business than I imagined though poor thing she little knew it but told me the matter as if to an indifferent person imagining my
conduct last night demanded from her every explanation
You must know this brother of hers is rigidly tenacious of his sisters honour for he lies under very great obligations to this baronet who is shortly to be married to her and she on her side partakes so strongly of his generosity that she consents to give her hand to a man she cannot love to pay her brothers debt of gratitude
She told you all this did she my lord said Sandfast
Oh yes answered my lord she has none of that sordid narrowness of mind the result of vulgar sentiments and mean education She is all candour and frankness Oh you may see in a moment she has maintained a high rank in society
Well you have been told that the brother very abruptly left his sister and her intended husband in the box and sallied after a gentleman whom he saw coming out on the opposite side This man it seems paid some attention to this sweet girl and was insulting enough knowing their circumstances to propose a settlement This the brother resented and a duel was the consequence
but no alarming issue came of it for after a mutual discharge of pistols the seconds interfered and upon a promise given by this gentleman that he would never more presume to address Miss Snaffle all anger subsided Last week however at the masquerade if you recollect you and I paid particular attention to a lovely figure in the dress of a circassian and to confess the truth while you were gone to see after our party I made no scruple to be very free with her seeing her entirely alone and believing her to be one of the frail sisterhood She says indeed I took a number of indecent liberties and faith the fact might be so for we had been drinking a great deal of champaigne All this Miss Snaffle—for you have seen she was the circassian—related to her brother when he returned from seeing after their carriage
The brother immediately sought after me directed by the description of my dress all over the rooms and I dare say we should have had a tilting bout that evening had I not upon joining you yielded to your pressing entreaty to return home
Not finding me they had nothing now for it but conjecture who it could be that had so publicly insulted the lady The suspicion naturally
lighted on the gentleman who had before affronted her by his offer of a settlement Mr Snaffle therefore immediately determined upon an explanation with him whenever they should meet The first time he saw him was last night at the play where he joined him in that sudden manner you have heard of and they went together into the Shakespear Here a very singular explanation took place the gentleman informed Mr Snaffle that he had religiously adhered to the promise made at the conclusion of their quarrel that however he was entirely devoted to the lady and meant to make her honourable proposals the moment he should by the death of a very near relation be released from the restraint which till that event happened would prevent his having so much happiness that being nevertheless unalterably attached to her he determined as far as he decently could to watch her inclinations and being that evening at the masquerade and noticing the particular conduct of a gentleman there—meaning me—had the curiosity to enquire who that gentleman was in which he so well succeeded that I was described as a reformed rake who had married after ruining a whole village
Thus you see Mr Snaffle being told all these particulars no wonder he should accost me in the
extraordinary manner he did or that I should find it necessary to make the handsomest apology for my conduct which I was on the point of doing when I considered how awkward it would be to announce myself Besides it would then have been necessary to inform the lady of the quarrel which it was easy to see had been carefully concealed from her And again I did not know whether an apology to her might satisfy her brother Besides to be ingenuous if I had made a concession and taken my leave it was possible I might never see her again All these considerations determined me still to conceal myself so after a thousand acknowledgments for her condescension I left a message for the brother and hastened home to consult thee
Well my lord said Standfast I have heard you to an end and once more I caution you not to be imposed upon In the first place it is a very curious thing that the lady this morning should relate her love her poverty and her gratitude and the Lord knows what to a gentleman she never saw till last night It puts me too much in mind of one of the histories of those unfortunate poor devils who always begin with—I was a clergymans daughter
Faith said my lord scarcely attending to Standfast there was one thing escaped her that charmed me Said she—I wish I had not gone to that masquerade or else that this lord was not married and a rake
Good God cried Standfast cannot you see it yet She knew you and said this on purpose She thought it would hit and so it has Such a certain shot so well directed but surely my lord it was too gross too palpable too little disguised to pass on you
Rather say returned my lord too ingenuous to contain the least shadow of art Besides every thing around the place wears the air of sober elegance A handsome house—
Hired said the tutor for the purpose of gulling your lordship
I cannot conceive said Lord Hazard what makes you so warm in this business You know the world I acknowledge but give me leave to say I know it too Mr Standfast
Infinitely better said the parson with an inward sneer than I do my lord I am ready to grant but still I am a bystander and as you appear
to be playing pretty deep at this game there may be no harm in giving you a caution not to be bubbled
I know thy friendship and anxiety cried my lord but what is there to fear She is a woman of honour and if I was inclined to think of her there is no chance for me Besides I give you my word it is not my intention ever to cause Lady Hazard a moments uneasiness—but surely a beautiful woman may be admired without any offence to a wifes virtue
There my lord said Standfast is my hope your heart is my sheet anchor and upon that I trust with comfort for the safety of your honour
Enough said my lord it shall never deceive thee nor any one
Thank you my lord said Standfast I am completely satisfied I will not even fear it can deceive itself. And now pray what sort of an apology do you mean to make to Mr Snaffle
A full and entire one said my lord he is entitled to it and so is the lady You and I will go together tomorrow morning and I dare say we shall very easily laugh off the whole matter
This being agreed on the conversation turned on Lady Hazard Standfast said he conceived there was some apology due to her My lord did not think so He saw in her conduct all the mysterious inquisitiveness of growing jealousy It was the first time to be sure he had ever been disingenuous with her but circumstances required it He now began to perceive there might be occurrences which would admit of treating her with a sort of laudable duplicity which indeed she ought to be thankful for—but such was the restless and unsatisfied curiosity of wives that he plainly saw she would infallibly construe it into coldness and neglect However he had seen many instances of resigned acquiescence in her duty and therefore he doubted not but this business—the truth of which he was determined to keep a secret—though it might ruffle a little yet it would not destroy their mutual tranquillity
He thought it nevertheless incumbent on him to give the matter some hue of probability the better to appease her at once To do this he told her as if casually at dinner that an affair of honour had called him out in the morning but that fortunately every thing had terminated without bloodshed
The reflection that her husband had escaped such
a danger bore down in Lady Hazards mind all other considerations and she was in a moment perfectly at ease She chid him however for preferring a foolish punctilio of honour to her peace of mind and his own personal safety saying that his courage was too well established to need any such savage and unnecessary proof of it and she wondered a brutal custom should so prevail which far from exhibiting any trait of true honour or real spirit was generally the refuge of sharping knaves and the last resort of desperate cowards
Standfast acquiesced in the justice of the remark and Lord Hazard told her with a smile that had he known she possessed so much spirit he would have engaged her as his second
A silent minute or rather a silent quarter of an hour here ensued which would perhaps have lasted much longer had not the arrival of some company put an end to their different cogitations the subject of which if the reader will but think a little by way of making one it is not impossible but he may be able to guess
As the conversation now took a mixed turn and the general topics of ministers puppetshews sermons
plays sceptres washballs lottery tickets loaded dice lords monkies speakers parrots duchesses and drabs were alternately handled with such velocity and vociferation that the parties themselves were all talkers and no hearers
I shall therefore content myself with barely mentioning that while my lord was out of the room Mr Standfast asked Lady Hazard when he should have the honour of communicating the result of what sent him to the Smyrna
The lady agreed to hear it the next morning at which Standfast said that then and every other moment of his life was perfectly at the devotion of her ladyship even though it should be attended with far greater perils than those he had that day encountered—so saying he heaved a profound sigh and joined the company
What shall I say to the reader in this place for so far from relieving him from that suspense into which I have so completely thrown him it is certainly my intention to heighten it—but however there is a remedy for such as are over impatient for if the tenterhooks on which I have set them prick too hard they have nothing
to do but dip a few pages forward and they will find them as easy as a cushion
No sooner had the complicated din of itinerant retailers opened the eyes or rather the ears of the servants—for they were yet only half awake—in that square where Lord Hazard resided than that nobleman left the partner of his bed to seek after Standfast who was suddenly awoke by a servant from a nap into which he had fallen about half an hour before for the pious preceptor had been exercising that portion of his religious duty called watching the greater part of the night
In fact the subject which occupied his thoughts was of so complicate and nice a kind that he had been turning it in his mind with much care and attention and after looking at it in every possible situation—rejecting this expedient adopting that and at last fairly satisfying himself as to the measures to be taken—he had fallen asleep just at the very instant when Phoebus awoke and walked abroad to cheer the world inspire poets and engender animalculae
three employments according to some philosophers equally material
Mr Standfast understanding that his patron required his presence now only muttered those curses which he before had been thundering against the footman In a few minutes he joined Lord Hazard whom he found full of impatience and anxiety
My lord said he wanted to have five minutes conversation with him previous to their intended business that morning adding that he must candidly confess he wished for a pretext for continuing his visits at Mr Snaffles and that he could think of nothing but the sister
My lord said Standfast I am sorry to see this It can end but one way Good God that this Syren should get such hold of you in a moment—Why the most inexperienced of your adventures at Little Hockley was prudence to this
He had scarcely spoken when Lady Hazard came abruptly into the room Addressing herself to her husband she said
My lord I know not how you will receive the over anxious solicitude of a wife whose uniform study has been to administer to your wishes but I am impelled by an irresistable
something to entreat that the horrid coolness you have shewn me ever since that strange business at the playhouse may be fully explained may be done away that so the tranquillity which reigned in this family till that unhappy moment and pointed us out as fit and worthy objects for imitation may be restored to us
I know not what you mean said my lord—You are a charming woman I doat on you—therefore make yourself easy and trust to the truth of my affection
Heaven forbid I should doubt it said the lady but be assured the best affections are too often endangered by the slightest misunderstandings I believe we have all three a great deal to confess to each other and I came to encourage you both by frankly acknowledging all I know and all I conjecture relative to the most extraordinary and most unpleasant business I ever yet experienced at the same time my lord let me say I have no idle curiosity to indulge no whim to gratify no foolish feminine fears that alarm me not even the slightest want of confidence in your lordships lavish love or firm fidelity—I honestly and sacredly believe that nothing could shake either—but as an artful train of flattering concurrent circumstances
might give them strong as they are some slight inclination to pause I think it my duty to endeavour what I can to sustain them to hold them securely where they ought and where I am sure they wish invariably to fix
My lord paid his lady a very elegant and I believe a very sincere compliment on her intentions attachment affection sense of duty and right conception of that exquisite charm in a wifes conduct who is never officiously solicitous but ever on the watch to please He remarked however that the breakfast would interrupt nothing
Here Standfast interfering said that at breakfast Charles would necessarily make one of the party which he apprehended was not Lady Hazards wish he therefore proposed to defer it till the evening or some other time which the lady peremptorily declared she could not consent to Indeed she pressed so hard for a hearing that very morning that Standfast at the instance of my Lord Hazard undertook to set his pupil a task in the library immediately after breakfast when it was agreed that the conversation should be resumed
Perhaps Mr Standfast was glad of a moments pause He certainly betrayed evident symptoms of
astonishment at the first part of Lady Hazards harrangue which added to an affected indifference and a forced sprightliness would have conveyed to an uninterrupted bystander a trait or two of suspicion that the ladys conduct was not altogether agreeable to him but we have already hinted that he never suffered long under perturbation of any kind Thus whatever inward sensations might produce the above effects they certainly did not remain visible long enough to be noticed either by the lord or the lady and with the assistance of summoning his pupil to breakfast he had so rallied his spirits that he appeared the most cheerful and unconcerned of the whole company
It was far otherwise with my lord He set it down for a certainty that his lady had by some means discovered all that had past and divined all that was likely to come Nevertheless he felt no reluctance to review his intentions either in one light or the other but certain nameless sensations which he felt in spight of himself gave his behaviour an awkwardness which was apparent in proportion as he endeavoured to hide it
Charles was no sooner informed by his father that he had some particular business with Mr Standfast and given his task than he retired to the library
when the lady after an apology much in the style of the former one acquainted her husband with all she knew relative to this strange affair not even omitting either the insult she had received the morning before the spirited kindness of Standfast or the message she had sent after him to the Smyrna which last business clearly accounted for her consusion in the library when John came back whom she also loaded with praises in which Standfast joined declaring at the same time that the hiring of that worthy fellow was a new instance that Lord Hazards knowledge of the world and judgment of mankind was superior to his for that John had what he thought a forbidding countenance which his lordship however with a penetration far beyond his had construed into a sign of bluntness and plain dealing
But madam said Standfast I interrupt you
The lady went on saying that her husbands new and extraordinary conduct had first given her the alarm In addition to this a servant had been privy to the treatment she had received from the baronet at the theatre Again he who ought to have protected her was out of the way when Mr Standfast stept forward in her defence In short such concealments and such obligations were very repugnant to her delicacy which she hoped his lordship
in this case would conceive was not affected or overstrained My lord she added was the proper person to reward the servant and thank Mr Standfast who though a gentleman in years and perfectly exemplary in his manners was by no means a proper confident for her who thought it her first happiness to have no wish or thought concealed from her husband
Lord Hazard passed some very high compliments on the frankness kindness and great propriety of his ladys declaration and conduct He owned he thought the business of the baronet perfectly inexplicable but these and all other considerations were swallowed up in the obligations he thought himself under to Standfast who took all these compliments with the same composure as he would have received his salary or any thing else which he conceived to be perfectly his own property
His lordship desired this worthy friend as he called him to relate the issue of his meeting the baronet at the Smyrna but Standfast remarked that the harvest of domestic tranquillity this discovery promised belonged entirely to his lordship and the amiable Lady Hazard that at best he was but a privileged gleaner who saw but envied not that abundant happiness which kindly let fall as much
comfort as he desired and more infinitely more than he deserved—he therefore begged to come in his place
Besides added he totally ignorant as your lordship is of the motives of these people for stirring up all this mischief your story cannot but involve some awkwardness which my after explanation may relieve for I fancy the baronet has made me more au fait to this business than either of you
His lordship taking this as a friendly hint of the tutor to clear up any embarrassment that might arise in his narrative consented to unfold It is but truth to say that his relation was not so ingenuous as that of his lady had been for he did not mention the cause of the quarrel nor that it yet existed but on the contrary said that the whole was a mistake the brother having taken him for another person who had it seems offered an insult to the sister and that every thing was amicably made up He sunk entirely the circumstance of his having seen Miss Snaffle the day before he also forbore to touch on his intention of paying that lady a second visit and indeed on any one point that could give the smallest reason for conjecture that the whole was any other than a matter of a common cursory kind which in proportion as it was mysterious so it sunk to nothing the mystery being
cleared away He was very much alive however to all those matters relative to Sir Daniel Dogbolt—He hoped his friend would be able to clear them up for after all he should not consider that part of the business at an end without a full and explicit satisfaction for the insult his wife had sustained in his absence
I am heartily sorry you were absent said Standfast Proud as I was of chastising his insolence it was certainly your right
Lord Hazard acknowledged his obligations and proceeded to finish his account of this business in which upon the whole he so well succeeded that Lady Hazard declared she was except a little remaining curiosity perfectly satisfied
Now came the tutors turn He began with saying he had a much longer tale to tell than either of them and that since he was not then bound by the painful duty which had hitherto punctiliously kept him from divulging it he thought himself obliged openly and without reserve to declare all he knew on the subject
But added he I believe my lord they are too artful a set for us to place any reliance on what they tell us What I am going now to inform you I forced from the pretty baronet—if
he be one—who had the unparalleled insolence to insult this lady for which—and I hope your lordship will not blame my too forward zeal I had the honour of calling him to account
Standfast here received the compliments he had once more fished for and then went on not without first exclaiming
Heavens why my lord a perfect stranger would have been entitled to the assistance I gave much less her ladyship A meer common exercise of humanity Besides the gentleman gave me very little trouble He fences pretty well but I soon disarmed him and having his life in my power I made use of this opportunity of extorting from him an account of himself and his associates He said he had long secretly admired Lady Hazard that he had tried many experiments to get an opportunity of disclosing his passion but found none which had the smallest appearance of feasibility till about three weeks ago at the masquerade where you may remember we were in a very large party
Good God cried Lady Hazard I recollect it A man certainly did teaze me at the masquerade but I took it for some drunken fool and never gave the matter a second thought
He told me said Standfast he first accosted your lordship drew you away from your company and introduced you to another that he might have better opportunity to entertain her ladyship His words were that he had found an impregnable fortress and therefore from that moment determined to give up the attack but accident introducing him into the same box at the playhouse his wishes revived and resolving to make use of the occasion that presented itself through Mr Snaffles quarrel with the gentleman in the opposite box he dropt him in the crowd and returned to Lady Hazard just as your lordship had gone to conduct Miss Snaffle to her coach He confessed that to ingratiate himself he had told her ladyship several falsities such as that you my lord had an intimacy with Miss Snaffle that you were then gone home with her all which we have already heard In short first making him answer many other questions I gave him his life and suffered him to leave me after he had protested in the most solemn manner that he would never dare to mention the name of this lady in future upon any account whatever
Well my lord these are the facts now hear my comments on them This man is not a baronet
neither is he upon the point of marrying this young lady nor are they any other than three sharpers who have in some way or other a dark plot on the conjugal peace of your worthy lady and yourself This Sir Daniel did draw you aside from your company and introduced you to this very Miss Snaffle with what design is another matter but it is very extraordinary you should be left by this baronet with his intended wife that he might the better introduce himself to Lady Hazard—Nor am I mistaken as to the lady for I heard a chair called in her name
You cannot forget my lord that we at that time decided that she was a woman of no character I remember your saying with great earnestness Standfast let us not pay Lady Hazard so ill a compliment as to speak to a creature of this stamp—though she is under the same roof with her
Well my lord can it be after what I have said that this is a woman of honour that her brother is a man of the nicest feelings and that Sir Daniel Dogbolt is on the point of marriage with this woman No my lord it is as I said a plot against you however thank heaven armed with a proper confidence in each other you may despise it
Mr Standfast has placed this matter in its true light said the lady For my part I am perfectly at ease and I am sure my lord will thank me for waving all absurd delicacy and coming to this declaration
Here several suitable remarks were made Mr Standfast was loaded with thanks and the most perfect harmony was restored After this the lady retired to her dressing room and left the two friends together
They were no sooner alone than Lord Hazard began anew to compliment and thank Mr Standfast That gentleman assured his patron his thanks were more than he deserved and indeed he spoke truth However no one upon earth could have bel eved his conduct to be any other than cordial zeal and sincere friendship conformable to which appearances he said he would not leave his lordship till he had made him a firm promise not to see that woman any more who he must now very plainly perceive was a suborned wretch to assist in some vile plot against his domestic peace
My lord did not hesitate to make this promise for he was charmed with the angellike conduct of
his lady and went so far as to say that seeing the matter now in the same light with the tutor he felt himself at ease with relation to Sir Daniel Dogbolt as well as the rest Standfast hearing this and being told that his kindness should not go unremembered went with the greatest air of satisfaction to seek his pupil
As the single articles in my account with the reader begin again to be pretty numerous I shall now for his satisfaction add them up and carry them over To speak without metaphor Mr Standfast please to unmask
The preceptor then had in conjunction with Viney concerted this whole scheme The masquerade the playhouse the interview and every other part of it was as regularly digested as the trial of a felon before he comes to the bar at the Old Bailey Mr Viney had tutored the gentleman and Mrs OShocknesy had instructed the lady
Standfast however who had contrived the whole plot was totally unknown to any of the actors in it His argument with Viney and Mrs OShocknesy was that as they enjoyed the utmost they ever could expect from Lord Hazard they had no measures
to keep with him especially as ever so violent a rupture could not deprive either him of his living or her of her annuity On the contrary that he Standfast might in a moment lose both his salary and his expectations which were not trifles He therefore stipulated not to be seen at all but in their privy council and instructions were particularly given to the under villains to be more cautious in deceiving him than any other of the family
This master stroke could be worthy of no other than Standfast To teach his tools to look upon him as their enemy secured him from all possibility of detection for he knew he might laugh at the resentment of Viney even if he had any cause to suspect him of treachery his own ipfe dixit being always sufficient to overturn any thing of that kind with his patron Nay notwithstanding this information the reader is almost obliged to confess that he is innocent for his conduct gives the lie direct even to what I have advanced of him It is very true that we have seen him act the part of a disinterested friend we have heard him counsel Lord Hazard to shun that very plot he himself had laid for him and one would think he had so far succeeded against himself—if I may be allowed the expression—that these swindlers in love seem to be turned out of employ the gentlemen to hunt other game
at the hazard table or perhaps on the highway and the lady to ruin apprentices or gull libidinous elders
If the reader thinks thus of Mr Standfast he is not yet half acquainted with that consummate fabricator of domestic ruin A simple intrigue and the common incidental train of disquietude attending it would not have been a luxury inexorable enough for him In short Mr Standfast put on your mask again for we will not see your naked heart till we are prepared to pronounce by a knowledge of the species of destruction it meditates—that in the round of human conception there is not so shocking a piece of deformity as a complete hypocrite
THE day on which this eclaircissement took place was distinguished by the cheerfulness that sat on every countenance Indeed so remarkable was the prevalent good humour that Mr Standfast was heartily joined by a great deal of company who dined at my lords when he ventured an opinion that Hazard house had the only roof in town that could boast of a couple perfectly elegant and perfectly happy I do not pretend to assert that this declaration was truth I only say the company then present allowed it to be so
My lord would not read a single letter—for many were that day brought him—lest it should give a tinge of dissatisfaction that might check the general hilarity They were all ordered to be laid in the study and it was agreed that he and Standfast should look them over the next morning
The whole day being like a smooth sea which looked the more beautiful for having been a little
ruffled we will glide over it as too uniform for any striking remarks and come to the next which was a little more agitated
As soon as breakfast was over his lordship and Standfast according to agreement retired to examine the letters These were seven in number and as four of them in some degree relate to this history I shall insert them together with the remarks of their examiners Indeed it was once in my head to have given this whole history through that vehicle but I considered that making my personages retire to their closets before they disclosed their sentiments would have thrown a frigidity over the business besides the unavoidable necessity of relating every thing two or three times over and always partially Besides I may introduce some characters who cannot write and others who will not Mr Standfast for instance would not have been possessed of half the cunning I have given him if any thing could have induced him to disclose his sentiments upon paper
Upon reflection therefore I was determined not to follow a method however fashionable by which I must have made villains confide their vices and young ladies their wishes—which if they felt delicately they would find difficult to express at all
much less in a letter—to their confidants and clerks of the roads
All such matters considered I have left these pennypost men in biography to themselves contented to jog on an old road where what the prospects want of trimming and regulation will I trust be made up in simple and natural luxuriance But to the letters under examination
The letter I now send you is accompanied by one from your son who is determined to chuse a guardian—being eighteen years of age—unless you intend to do him more justice
You have withdrawn your protection from him in favour of your darling Charles whom the virtuous Mr Standfast is training in the paths of honour
I shall forbear to reflect on either him you your
lady or her offspring it is enough that I know you all I only ask at present—which will determine to whom my son shall look in future as a protector—that you will make over to me that part of the estate in Warwickshire which includes the mansion and the farm contiguous to it in which case neither Zekiel nor I shall be further troublesome to you but contentedly make his two hundred a year and my three serve us till that happy moment when it shall please fate to unite your lordly bones to the skins of your ancestors
I am c GERTRUDE OSHOCKNESY
Standfast having thanked the lady for her glance at him and my lord having laughed heartily at the good natured reflection on his extraction in the latter part of the letter they passed on to the next which contained what follows
For so I believe you are at least you could
not prove to the contrary and thats enough for me to know I shall inherit in spight of my brother Charles But however as I dont want to be undutiful I shall only tell you this I am sick of Eton Id rather follow a pack of hounds and so dye see I have desired mother to make you a proposial concerning Warwickshire If so be you like to agree to it its very well if not I am determined to look out for a guardian being now as a body may say pretty far gone towards years of discretion So I remain
Your dutiful son And servant to command RUST
What could a guardian do said my lord—
Faith be very troublesome replied Standfast These estates in tail without right of waste are of all legal niceties the best morsel for a litigious stomach As to what the lady and her son want your lordship knows best whether it is worth contending for but I think I would not be bullied out of any thing.'
Well we will consider what is to be done said his lordship in the mean time let us to the next
So saying he opened another letter which came by the post and was written by Sir Sidney Roebuck These were the contents
I take the liberty to write to you concerning your village of Little Hockley which since the absence of your lordship and the death of Major Malplaquet has risen to such maturity in singular and enormous vice as I sincerely hope cannot be paralleled
I have been obliged to be at the pains of exerting myself very strenuously in my capacity of magistrate but smugglers marauders and other lawless characters for whom this vile place is become a remarkable asylum are difficult to deal with My first idea was in conjunction with the members for the county to beg the interference of parliament but conceiving that much delicacy was due to your lordship in this business I beg previously to consult you
If you will treat for the village or should that be incompatible with the conditions of your inheritance if you will lease it to me perhaps I may be able to bring about a reformation
I have no doubt but your lordship will rejoice in forwarding a work so dear to the interest of humanity and should be happy to receive your immediate answer as I wish to make some arrangements at Castlewick agreeable to the result of this application before I attend my duty at the house when I shall have the honour to call on your lordship with a view to a further conference on this subject
I am My Lord Your Lordships Most obedient Servant S W ROEBUCK
Lord Hazard as I formerly mentioned received his rents regularly from his steward and therefore did not dream of the enormities carried on at Little Hockley He now first reflected that these seeds of vice he had himself sown and as wickedness like weeds flourishes best where there are no wholesome plants to interrupt its growth he easily perceived
and felt the truth of Sir Sidneys relation and therefore determined to acquaint him that he was as well disposed as himself to perfect so desirable an undertaking and that he should be glad to see him for that purpose
After examining another letter or two they came to the following one
As you have thought proper to take no notice of what passed the other evening when I had the honour of calling your lordship scoundrel I suppose you acquiesce in the justice of the term:—I shall therefore in future speak of you as of a wretch deserving pity and though a lord beneath the notice of a gentleman
I am c PETER SNAFFLE
Oh said my lord this is too shocking to pass I must break the fellows bones
Rather get a chairman to do it said Standfast Did not you wait at the rascals house two hours Where was he all that time No no they think you begin to smell the matter out and so are grown desperate Does not all this confirm my suspicions
But still said my lord there is something cursedly unpleasant in letting such a scoundrel go on with impunity I am determined continued he to give him manuel chastisement whereever I meet him
Not at all cried Standfast till he has established his credentials to dispute a point of honour with your lordship
Well well perhaps you are right said my lord you generally see things very properly Let us talk no more of the damned fellow he has set my blood in a ferment
The conversation was interrupted by a note from Ingot in the city with whom—as the reader formerly heard from Mr Standfast—Lord Hazard sometimes banked The letter was concerning the transfer of some stock and other business on which he required to see his lordship at an early opportunity and my lord as he was anxious to advise with
counsel what was best to be done with Mrs OShocknesy and her son thought he could not take a properer time than the present
As his lordship went alone into the city he had leisure to revolve in his mind the various business of the day and in particular the subject of the letter from Snaffle which he did not enter into much before Mr Standfast knowing that an inclination to indulge his feelings would meet with every possible opposition from that careful friend
At the same time however that he gave Standfast credit for the goodness of his intentions he could not help thinking the conjectures of that gentleman rather prescient than wise careful than certain What was all this mighty business Why truly a hotheaded fellow had insulted him with great acrimony and written to him with great impertinence What were Standfasts ideas of this matter That a plot was laid to disturb his domestic repose In truth it appeared so by the assault on his lady and looked something like it by the tempting opportunity that had been given him of addressing a very beautiful woman Well it was so perhaps in that case the proper check had been given to the first and as to the latter he could see no ruinous
consequences that would ensue even were they to carry their scheme into execution He could not be drawn into a marriage and therefore an intrigue was the worst that could be apprehended This it was his business to avoid and he certainly should do so but was this any reason why he must put up with a most provoking and impudent affront No no he must beg leave to understand the etiquette of his own honour as well as Mr Standfast He was no school boy and therefore took the liberty to dissent from the necessity of having his actions eternally inspected and as to the affront which he neither could nor would brook a proper time should certainly be taken to resent it
Lord Hazard had now arrived to that very pitch where Standfast wished to conduct him The tutor knew that no longer to confide in him was the only way to keep him safe from all consequences He waited with malicious joy for the moment when the patron would voluntarily exclaim Oh that I had taken thy advice Oh that thy salutary counsel had been followed—and I say to the reader woe be to Lord Hazard if ever the moment should arrive when such an exclamation shall be necessary But at present let us change the scene
In the course of his lordships business with Mr
Ingot a lady passed through the room whom he remarked spoke nothing but French for there were two gentlemen with her one of whom told Mr Ingot in very broken English that the lady wished him a good morning
After they were gone Ingot told my lord that there was something singular in the ladys story which had been so interwoven with a business concerning money he had been recommended to transact for her that he could not but be perfectly acquainted with it
My lord who had never any improper curiosity seemed very indifferent about hearing it saying there were family matters in it not proper to be divulged
Ingot assured my lord that was not the case at all on the contrary he should tell it to every one he knew because it placed in a more glaring point of view the scandalous traffic and shameful selling and buying of consciences among the papists a sect it seems for which Mr Ingot had a great inveteracy than any instance that had ever come within his knowledge
My Lord smiled and Mr Ingot continued—
This lady when she was very young having unfortunately an intrigue with a stranger her father had a great aversion to she was secluded in a convent but what convent her lover never could learn After some time being persuaded by her friends that her enamorato had played her false she was prevailed on to take the veil and shut herself up as every one thought for ever
About a year and a half ago her father died in England having long repented of his daughters ill treatment and made a will leaving her his whole fortune all vested in the English funds Mind the conditions: to be spent in France half for her own use and half in pious donations—provided a dispensation of her vow could be obtained but in default of this to go to English charities
Here was manifest the cunning of the Frenchman He thought and rightly too the pious donations in France would procure interest enough to obtain the dispensation of her vow Ay ay the Pope shall make a bargain with any Jew in Dukesplace
The dispensation was obtained with this single proviso—which indeed grasped at the whole fortune—that she should live pensioner in the same convent with liberty to go out when she pleased
These terms the lady accepted and giving security for her return she was permitted to come to England in company with a person deputed by the convent to arrange her fathers affairs This she has now done and in a week or ten days will return to France
An extraordinary business indeed said Lord Hazard
Yes yes replied Ingot with great archness the church of Rome never fails to stretch its prerogative when interest is in the case How happy are we who live under the three estates and the protestant religion
Spoken as a citizen should speak said my lord Poor lady I dare say she rejoices at her escape from captivity What does she think of England
Oh she knows nobody here cried Ingot Except one gentleman she has not enquired for a single creature How she came to know him is a mystery to me It is Sir Sidney Roebuck I have promised to find him out for her if he be in town
Then I can tell you Mr Ingot that he is not answered my lord I received a letter from him this very morning which induces me to think it will be a fortnight first as he only talks of coming
up by the meeting of parliament
Well well she will not see him then cried Ingot—it is no great matter I suppose
Here the conversation drew to an end the lord testifying great pleasure at the ladys emancipation from confinement and the citizen reprobating the folly of immuring healthy young girls who ought to increase their species and produce soldiers and sailors and thanking his stars that he did not live under the influence of an Italian priest not half so good a citizen as himself a fellow who because he wore a triple crown could roast and barbecue any of his peaceable subjects whenever he pleased the better to confiscate their fortunes
THAT very afternoon Lord Hazard wrote an answer to Sir Sidneys letter the receipt of which gave the baronet such satisfaction that it hastened his journey to town where in a few days he arrived for his concerns were always in so regular a state that he could at any time leave them with very short preparation and Lady Roebuck who was of all women living the properest wife for such a man never required much warning to follow him through all his duties for such he conceived every one of his pursuits It was a duty to discharge all trusts to answer all letters to return all visits but then he took care to undertake nothing but what he could conveniently do to receive no visits but from those he liked and to reject all unnecessary or impertinent correspondents It was also with him a duty to be merry and to make others so and he could with equal ease—ay and without any deviation from his illustrious extraction which I have already said he was pretty proud of—walk a minuet with a
duchess on a birthnight or crack a facetious jest with a cobler He might be termed an elegant oddity and to his peculiarities for they were all amiable did his lady accommodate herself
Before they set out it was agreed to leave the faithful Emma with little Annette who had nearly reached her fourteenth year and was grown a most beautiful young creature Lady Roebuck loved her with an interesting and lively tenderness She had watched her growing perfections with at least maternal care for had she been twenty times her own daughter she could not have paid more attention to her education or felt more pleasure at those dawning accomplishments with which she promised to be remarkably gifted
Emma said she had perused her little mind with profound attention and though she was no further than the introduction it was prefaced with a promise of such delightful matter as could not fail to charm the hearts of all readers She could discern that the subject was interesting the moral instructive and that goodness and virtue were strongly inculcated in every page
Annette and Emma then and the whole village of Castlewick were left under the care of the good
Mildman who had not suffered at all in the opinion of Sir Sidney for having been turned into a scarecrow for the amusement of the Hockleyites
Sir Sidney and his lady arrived in town at the period above mentioned and a card was almost instantly dispatched to Lord Hazard purporting that the baronet intended to pay him a visit in a day or two to talk over the business of Little Hockley
The peer and the baronet soon came to an eligible agreement and as leases and title deeds were obliged to be consulted in great plenty during the course of this negociation a sort of cordiality grew between the lessor and lessee Sir Sidney acknowledged there was great fairness and candour in the conduct of the peer and facetiously remarked he was glad to see so good an understanding between the upper and lower house As to my lord he looked up to Sir Sidney as a being of a superior kind and while he penetrated his amiable and benignant views his only wonder was that every man of ample possessions did not do the same since his reward was so certain and so immense
The ladies who I have more than once remarked were to their husbands what an echo is to the voice had also commenced something more than an acquaintance
which both the husbands strongly recommended Indeed this intimacy had well nigh brought about a breach of the bargain between Lord Hazard and Sir Sidney for the latter had proposed to the peer to wave signing the writings and take upon himself the arrangements of Little Hockley However whether my lord felt the superiority of Sir Sidneys qualifications for such an undertaking whether he thought it ridiculous to expect a harvest of virtue where he had only planted vice whatever in short was the motive he agreed only to return to Warwickshire with Sir Sidney and give him possession of his bargain by which means the families would pass some months in the society of each other
Even this was some acquisition and Sir Sidney in hopes of enticing his lordship to follow his example eagerly catched at the proposal Schemes of pleasure to be executed in the following spring and summer engrossed much of their conversation Besides Lady Hazard was with child and it was thought the country would be likely to restore her strength after she should have lain in for she was in general very ill upon those occasions and had never since Charles had a child—though she had borne in all four—that did not after its birth pine away and at length die
Pleasures were also chalked out for Charles and Annette who was understood to be Sir Sidneys daughter by a former marriage but that her mother died abroad and the baronet did not spare to hint that an union between the prince and princess of the two rival villages might perhaps cement the general amnesty between all parties
It will be easily seen that Standfast felt awkward in this society He too well knew Lady Roebucks prudence to suppose that she had acquainted Sir Sidney with any of his tricks and as there seemed no coolness on the part of the baronet these conjectures were confirmed Thus supposing the business would be concluded in a short time between his patron and Sir Sidney he was so far perfectly at ease but when he found the ladies were to be consulted he trembled for the consequence How to act Suppose he tried to prevent their meeting but that was dangerous and difficult He once thought of hinting at a distance that something had actually passed between him and the lady which if credited would account for any rancour in her but upon maturer reflection any of these would be to desert his own grand principle which was to be always prepared with expedients but never to use them except in cases of emergency It would be enough to defend himself when he should be attacked
and all things considered since the lady had evidently kept the grand point a secret from Sir Sidney it was possible though barely so that she would not tattle to any one else yet that cursed female vanity—In short the gentlemans combat with himself continued a considerable while till at length the result was that he should make an excuse to go out of town for a month and by that means gather from Lord Hazards letters what was going forward Besides he had another reason for taking this resolution—indeed he had several reasons—which will in due time appear to the reader—so having imparted his intention to my lord and got permission for Charles to accompany him the tutor and the pupil set out for the west of England where business of a particular nature demanded their presence
Thus most of the arrangements before related passed in the absence of Standfast and Charles whom as their excursion has something remarkable in it we will join after I have related a matter that cursorily passed between the two ladies
They were talking of Annette and Lady Sidney who was by no means ashamed of confessing so much of the truth as saved the honour of Miss Le Clerc mentioned the matter exactly as it happened simply
with the addition of their being privately married
But said Lady Hazard are you sure that the mother is dead
Sure said Lady Roebuck what doubt can there be of that Besides at any rate she is dead to the world
Perhaps not said the other lady Good God have you any reason for what you say
cried Lady Roebuck Lady Hazard here made a very serious apology for her imprudence saying the great similarity between the story she had heard from her ladyship and one recently told her by my lord had struck her so forcibly that she had unwarily betrayed herself into those unguarded expressions
This redoubled Lady Roebucks anxiety and she entreated in the most earnest manner to know what all this mystery meant
Nay said Lady Hazard if it be as I conjecture it must be known for the lady is determined to see Sir Sidney before she leaves England
Who—what lady—cried her friend for heavens sake keep me no longer in suspence
Lady Hazard seeing she had advanced so far made no scruple of relating the whole story as Ingot told it to my lord from first to last When she had finished Lady Roebuck asked the name of the lady which her friend confessed she did not know
but said that it would be very easy to satisfy themselves by sending to Mr Ingot
This was scarcely agreed on before Lady Roebuck received a letter from her handmaid Emma which the reader shall have in her own words
YOU would not have heard from me so soon again but for a circumstance which wears so much the air of a romance that had it not been well certified I could not have believed it—but
Dark and mysterious are the ways of providence
Puzzled with mazes and perplexed with errors
As says my and Mr VOLTAIREs favourite Cato—A lady called here who cried over Miss Annette and has left a crucifix and several popish relics which I cannot say pleased me for I have hated the Roman catholics ever since I read the account of the massacre of the Hugunots upon the feast of St Bartholomew As to the holy war some of the kings of England were concerned in that and therefore
I shall not be so wanting in loyalty as to mention it else I could a tale unfold—But to return to the lady There were two French gentlemen with her one of whom in very bad broken English told me that he believed she had an important commission to execute but he did not know the purport of it I wish I had understood French I would have made her all her pilgrimage relate as faithfully as Othello did his After she was gone which was not till the gentleman had kissed both my cheeks I questioned Miss concerning their conversation and she informed me that the lady was that very same she used to call Mamma Le Clerc in the convent The jewels she has left are for Sir Sidney and as she had not the pleasure of seeing him she did not think proper to leave a packet of papers but said she would endeavour to find him in town and there deliver it to him
Lord my dear lady what can be the meaning of all this Miss Annette was so confused and terrified and indeed she did not understand her very well for they spoke it seems a different sort of French our young lady having polished hers and that of the stranger being a good deal provincial but as I said dear Misss confusion—though very learned writers have doubted whether this admits of a genetive case and therefore as I am proud to
yield to great authorities I ought to say the confusion of Miss—was so great that she had not the courage to ask many questions so I entreated her to go back and speak to the French lady again who appeared greatly surprised to find that Sir Sidney was married and when Miss Annette at my desire asked if she was her mother she replied that your ladyship was now the only mother to whom she owed any duty that she hoped you would treat her kindly and that Miss would repay you with gratitude
My sweet little charge is very well and comes on surprisingly I entreated her not to write on this subject till I had your advice Her letter could not avoid falling into Sir Sidneys hands This will seem only to concern household affairs and as the poet says
Escape the scythe by being low
I hate a falsity but without a little laudable deceit how can we guard against the evils of life—Minerva thought duplicity so necessary in the conduct of her favourite Ulysses that she condescended to teach him that heroic quality herself
I beg to know my worthy lady how I am to
act in this affair and be assured in respect of all the requisite feminine virtues no Emma—from Priors nutbrown maid to Emma Corbet can have a more extensive and proper sense than
Your very humble And most grateful handmaid EMMA DISTICH
This letter seemed to clear up the whole business and it being upon enquiry found that the name of the lady his lordship saw at Mr Ingots house was Le Clerc Lady Roebuck did not ballance a moment in her mind as to the probability of her being the mother of Annette
In this exigence she consulted Lady Hazard on what conduct she ought to pursue who being as we have seen no friend to duplicity though even of that laudable kind recommended by Emma advised her without delay to inform Sir Sidney of the whole truth telling her she had wonderfully well succeeded with her lord by the same mode of experiment within the last fortnight
This brought forward the story of Miss Snaffle which the reader has seen so fully investigated and
which not being told without the highest encomiums on Mr Standfasts attachment and integrity and an information that his lordship had settled an additional annuity on him Lady Roebuck testified the greatest surprise which Lady Hazard perceiving said you may well shudder at the worlds villany I wish I could prevail with my lord to embrace Sir Sidneys offer that I might live always with you in retirement
Lady Roebuck whose shudderings had been at hearing of Standfasts great influence in the family was upon the point of saying something which might have led to an investigation of his conduct not very favourable to that gentleman but finding Lady Hazard had given her surprise another motive she contented herself for the present with falling in with that ladys conjectures and simply remarking that indeed the expectations of villains were so inadequate to the pains they took and the risks they run that she wondered men became knaves to be infamous when by only being honest they might be happy
I MAKE no scruple to confess that my leaving the business of Miss Le Clerc and the possibility of Standfasts detection in such a state of uncertainty as they appeared to be at the end of the last chapter is taking a liberty with the reader and what is worse with the ladies But the consideration of having so long forborne to introduce my hero who by the way would be the last to excuse me for being guilty of the smallest incivility to the fair sex has got the better of all others—for indeed the circumstances in this history are so various and follow in such quick succession that really if I do not use some expedition to bring him forward I might as well have no hero at all Just so far however I have nothing to reproach myself with for though hitherto he has said very little I can assure the reader he has thought a great deal To what purpose will hereafter appear At present I shall proceed to the examination of his good and bad qualities a portion of each—for I am afraid there is nothing perfect in this world—he certainly had
and having cleared away the shores and made every other proper preparation—for we may well give him fair play—fairly launch him on the ocean of life where we shall see him steming many adverse gales of fortune in which it will be difficult to determine whether most to admire his distress or his fortitude
I certainly had some apprehensions that having suffered a fourth part of this work to pass without approaching to such a necessary business the reader might perhaps be given to imagine that I called Charles Hazard the hero out of facetiousness and merely by inference and deduction and so use him as a painter does a layman which stands in all the attitudes bears the helmet drapery or poll parrot of the hero or heroine and yet though he play this respectable part is never known personally to the spectators
To say the truth I have often been wickedly inclined to wish that many heroes I have met with in my life had been so dealt with and it is not impossible but some of my readers may retort the courtesy for it so happens that particular people find in these said heroes particular qualities which generally being adventitious it is fifty to one if a heromaker thinks of them and in the absence of these
qualities though the gentleman should be possessed of ever so long a catalogue of real and permanent virtues he sinks to a nonentity in the opinion of such critics because he does not happen to be enlivened with their favourite animating principle
I cannot give a stronger instance of what I have advanced than by producing the names of two of the greatest men in their way that ever lived—I mean ALEXANDER of Macedon the great warrior and ALEXANDER of Twickenham the great poet
ALEXANDER the warrior would not have given threepence for all the noisy applause and bellowing acclamations of the largest populace that ever assembled if they had not hailed him son of Jupiter and ALEXANDER the poet—according to Dr JOHNSON—continually made himself wretched lest the world should fancy him to be the son of nobody yet I appeal to any one if the fighting hero had been the offspring of a beggar and the writing hero the heir of a king whether one would have cut throats or the other
lisped numbers
in greater perfection Neither of these could conquer his favourite foible which it is admirable to remark proceeded in the warrior from hope and in the poet from fear This imaginary honour in one and blot in the other nothing could efface for vainly did ALEXANDERs
mother ridicule the preposterous folly of her son saying
hush hush my dear boy you dont consider you are bringing me into a scrape for if you talk so loud about being the son of Jupiter you will make Juno angry with me
—and equally unsuccessful were the efforts of POPEs friends who it is said told him it was ridiculous to lament that he was the son of a tradesman when the father of ESCHINES the Socratic philosopher was but a sausagemaker
A hundred instances may be adduced perhaps a thousand to prove upon what cobweb qualities the very essence of a hero often depends but none I believe can be found stronger than those I have given Let us then settle the dispute in this way Let all matters relative to Charles Hazard which are totally dependant upon chance be considered as out of his power to alter or amend and all qualities good bad or indifferent which are the result of his serious reflections be understood as his act and deed and censured or praised accordingly
Charles had been left from his infancy in the quiet and unwearied pursuit of every useful and elegant accomplishment All these advantages had been procured for him at home under a tutor who certainly had some taste and a father who had more
both of whom were perfectly well satisfied with his progress His ardour had been so unremitting that perfection by the help of perseverence seemed to be within his reach I therefore left him to himself for why should I interrupt him in the midst of so laudable a career—especially when those very advantages are good recommendations to the reader
Having untied him however a little from his mothers apron strings I shall now fairly trust him to the bent of his inclination—and this for several good reasons—one is that my veracity as a historian obliges me to it for Standfast declared to Viney before he set out—first indeed giving him some other instructions—he should try what mettle the youngster was made of
Charles was at this time something more than seventeen so that he took the field young as did his namesake of Sweden He was not however at all like that great man in any respect except indeed that no Charles the Twelfth upon earth could be a more rigid observer of his word for as the Swedish Charles could never be perswaded by any body the English Charles placed an implicit faith in every body and as the fighting hero hated the sight of a woman the scientific hero was charmed with every woman he saw
Charles—for there is no hiding it—was very amorous and very credulous His credulity however was not of that kind begot by adulation upon impudence he was too modest to be vain but when a plausible appeal was made to the softness of his manners the strength of his sensibility or the excellence of his heart his expanded soul cherished the fiction because it wore the garb of truth therefore in him credulity was a virtue and yet virtue would be in much less repute than it is—for which there is little necessity—if it met with no better reward His propensity to the softer passions were though so young of a pretty robust kind for he had already attacked and that very briskly fat Betty who by force of arms or rather fists defended her virtue Nor was he less solicitous with Lady Hazards woman before whom about a week previous to his journey his father found him on his knees which accident produced the following short lecture
My lord having pretty well shamed him said—
Charles I am glad to see this grace in you I never before spoke to you with the harshness of a father hitherto you have had nothing from me but the mildness of that character I am scarcely sorry for what has happened because it gives me an opportunity of speaking on a subject which I
could not otherwise so well have introduced—You have heard of my excesses in my youth they have cost me reflections bitterer than I would wish my worst enemy I am not hurt at seeing you susceptible nor do I expect as you grow up to keep you entirely continent You are informed your opinions are decided ones and you have an understanding far beyond your years or I should not be so explicit You have conferred on me one great blessing which I know you will never deprive me of I mean a faithful observance of your word upon all occasions If upon consulting your heart you can truly make me the promise I am going to ask of you these are the last words you shall ever hear from me on this subject I would naturally recommend to you to think of no idle amours but perhaps that is impossible if it should be so chuse some other place than your fathers house let me know nothing of it I should pity and perhaps forgive the frailties of my son but I should shudder at being his confidant
The promise I exact from you is to combat your inclinations upon all occasions but to subdue them absolutely and entirely when they tempt you to the seduction of a wife or daughter or any way tend to disturb domestic happiness
My dear father cried Charles throwing himself on his knees and taking Lord Hazards hand I promise you your advice shall be engraven on my heart and so may I prosper as I keep or reject it
Enough said Lord Hazard abundantly enough I know you will keep your word and therefore nothing can pass between you and I upon this subject again
Foibles our hero certainly had in plenty but he had also many excellent qualities Indeed they will be well exercised in the course of this work for though no temper was ever more tried or mind more worked upon yet I defy any one to detect him in the commission of either an ungenerous or a dishonourable action
This in common heroes is nothing for being made up entirely of sterling virtues without alloy what wonder if they come out of the fire of temptation pure and undeminished—but for an elegant handsome fine young fellow unsuspecting inexperienced sensible accomplished born to captivate and be captivated—for such a one neither to turn out a puppy nor a knave is an instance that does not every day attract our admiration
But I have often held—and many will agree with me—that is is as easy to do right as wrong and in my hero this truth is illustrated for know reader this young gentleman preserved his honour nay perhaps his life by a strict adherence to one ruling principle which being so young it is singularly admirable he should set down for himself It was this never to promise what was improper to perform but having made a promise never to break it
STANDFASTs journey into the country was to the house of a young clergyman to whom he was patron Read it ye great and confess your insignificance Your dependants have their hangers on your very toadeaters have their tools nay sometimes you are their tools yourselves Has not your steward his carriage his country house his hounds his partridge mews and his doxey and do not you pay for it Nay he is in point of certainty so much better off than you that were you to be ruined and even through his mismanagement he could behold the wreck from the shore and get comfortably to a retreat which your bounty provided for him
This young clergyman whose name was Figgins was originally a Bridewell boy Standfast took a great fancy to him one evening as he signalized himself on a rejoicing night The peculiar address with which he broke the windows of such as would not put out lights and threw squibs into coaches to frighten ladies and burn their cloaths evinced
such a proneness to mischief that Standfast felt a congenial warmth and immediately determined to select this youth as a fit instrument in time for nobler daring
It was necessary however that he should add to this unluckiness and audacity a necessary portion of subtilty He therefore asked him several questions to which he received such answers as pleased him that is to say full of impudence and ambiguity and hearing him afterwards tell one of his companions that he had queered Raven Grey his mind was so made up that he determined—to use his own phrase—upon patronizing him
The reader however must not imagine that Mr Standfast laid himself open to his dependant the matter was apparently brought about through the medium of a third person indeed Mr Viney to whom this hopeful youth was a distant relation and he was required among other things to consider Mr Standfast as an exemplary character
The tutor prevailed upon a bishop a friend of his—I sincerely hope the bishop did not know what he was about—to ordain this spark and this was the very friend he left in the care of Little Hockley
At the time Charles and his tutor paid this visit to Mr Figgins he was in the possession of a vicarage near Poole which living Standfast procured him from a noble earl in some respects however owing to the young parsons own conduct for he was so civil to introduce to his lordship a near relation which circumstance ended in my lords making up for a large sum of money a suit which the young lady commenced against him for seduction though the earl was about her thirteenth lover One of this number by her advice quitted the kingdom lest he should be taken up for the forgery of a bank note which after he was gone she changed and put the money in her pocket
Standfasts business with Mr Figgins was of a very particular nature and perhaps the reader may sometime hence join with me in that opinion—Whatever it was Standfast did not chuse to transact it by letter it being one of his maxims never to write any thing but what all the world might read nor make either promises or declarations in the presence of a third person
In conformity to this latter part of his maxim he very frequently took his friend Figgins with him either a walk or a ride begging Charles to take care of the ladies till their return These ladies
were first Mr Figginss maiden aunt a woman of exemplary character an enthusiastic admirer of Drelincourt and a dram glass and who her nephew very humanely maintained upon her paying him down quarterly the sum of eight pounds Secondly Mrs Figgins the ninth—for like Major OFlaherty he had them in all quarters and all alive and merry—and lastly Miss Figgins a young lady of beauty and accomplishments but who had not yet got a husband—though she owned twentyseven—because the men were brutes and her nature was so delicate that the least ill treatment would break her heart
Charles found it no disagreeable task to entertain these ladies in the absence of his tutor nay he made a traffic of his complaisance for he wrote an impromtu for a smile and sketched their portrait for a kiss His skill in music enchanted them and they wished never to part with the young lord as he was called
As to Miss Figgins had any one witnessed her behaviour at those unguarded moments when he sung a pathetic air—though by the bye he was of that age when the voice sounds more like that of a raven than a nightingale—he would have sworn she had at once conquered her aversion to love and matrimony
To say truth her virtue was of the rampant kind which perhaps was one reason she continually talked of the great pains she took to subdue it Indeed she so prompted Charles in that part which if it had been the time to act he knew without a cue that the young gentleman had a kind of rebellion to quell which gave him no little disturbance In short in spight of his teeth he was obliged to take a review of the promise he had made his father and reflecting that the sister of Mr Figgins must certainly be a woman of honour he triumphantly carried the point and congratulated himself on this victory over his passions Indeed the term sister was not included in the conditions, but it was certainly implied and it would have been dishonourable had he taken advantage of the omission
The lady however having made good her landing determined to lose no opportunity of improving that advantage therefore one day while they sat at dinner she slily slipt a note into the young gentlemans coat pocket which contained these words both in form and substance
For hevven sake mete mee in the arburr and lett mee ho lett mee unbuzzum myself
Charles was too gallant not to attend the lady—Indeed it was very much his wish to have a little conversation with her alone not doubting but when the purity of his intentions were honestly made known the young ladys quiet would be restored which at present he made no doubt he greatly disturbed Having therefore attended the appointment he declared to her with the truest and most honest simplicity his repugnance to do that which he could not consider otherwise than as a shameful breach of hospitality The lady acknowledged the generosity of his sentiments and said that as she saw her fears were unnecessary they might now indulge in all those little innocent freedoms which to susceptible and delicate hearts gave such delight—In short after much simpering stammering blushing and other indications of maiden bashfulness—the largest part of which especially the blushing was most manifest in Charles—she informed him that upon certain conditions he should steal to her bedchamber and sleep with her that very night These conditions were explained to be exactly what I am informed they practise very commonly and very innocently in America under the name of bundling
Perhaps Miss Figgins had heard of Adhelm who to try his virtue slept several nights with a
virgin without violating his chastity and understanding Charles was intended for a great man determined it should not be her fault if he had not this proof of his virtue in as great perfection as his pious predecessor If however these were her intentions there was some how or other an infraction in the treaty for Charles and the lady so bundled that at the end of a fortnight she informed him in the most decent manner so delicate a creature could muster up words for the purpose that she was certainly with child
What a stroke for our hero Must he begin already to feel the bitter reflections of having broken his promise How to act Which way to conceal her shame He could not marry her—which at some intervals he had thoughts of—without consulting his father and the consequence of such a consultation was apparent Yet he had ruined her and brought her into a situation that marriage alone could atone for In so doing he had already broken his promise and why not go farther since there was no honourable means of retreat
In this state chequered with pleasure and compunction had he passed several days when Mr Standfast one morning told our hero that some damned thing or other had come to his fatheris ears
who required their immediate presence in town—
See there
said he shewing him a letter he had that instant received
TO THE REV Mr STANDFAST
If you have the smallest regard for my peace of mind come post to me the moment you receive this
Charles not doubting but his amour and its consequences had already reached his fathers ears without considering how the intelligence could have been conveyed told his tutor ingenuously that he was the cause of it Mr Standfast seemed greatly astonished at the declaration and demanded how it could possibly be The pupil exacting a solemn promise from his tutor that he would carefully preserve the most profound secresy let him into the bundling secret from first to last and concluded with vehemently entreating his advice
Standfast looking very sagacious said this must be the cause of Lord Hazards injunction sure enough which it was a very proper thing to comply with for fear of irritating him farther As for the rest he said it was a cursed unlucky affair but
fortunately the brother was under his thumb and his best endeavours might be depended on to hush matters up
If his father should mention it he advised Charles to deny the whole business though he had no doubt but he should use such arguments as would induce him not to say a word about it
Charles was in raptures at the kindness of his tutor who took care nevertheless to give the young gentleman a wholesome lecture declaring his great repugnance to this duplicity of conduct and protesting he only consented to it from the laudable view of preventing a difference between father and son
By this time the chaise was at the door for Standfast zealous to obey his patrons mandate had ordered it previous to this conversation with his pupil The latter therefore took a hasty but tender leave of his enamorata who exacted a promise that he would write to her and if possible see her soon again
On the road Standfast encouraged Charles to keep up his spirits He told him for one thing that his honour was in no scrape for that the lady however
she might have imposed upon his inexperience was not a vestal nor had been for a good twenty years
Why she is but six and twenty said Charles
and eleven added to it replied the tutor As to the brat if there should be one we must see whats to be done with it I have told you all these matters added he lest you should be improperly drawn in therefore you must promise me to be upon your guard No indiscreet marriages nor any other steps without first consulting me Upon these and no other terms will I undertake this business
Charles eagerly promised every thing his tutor demanded of him and Standfast reiterated his friendly professions They both arrived in town however with no little anxiety on their minds That of Charles proceeded as the reader knows from his fear of having made his father miserable Mr Standfast had too hearty a contempt for every human weakness to feel the influence of any such henhearted sensation Glorious mischief begat his perplexity and all his uneasiness was lest the banquet preparing for his inexorable senses should not be seasoned high enough with domestic wretchedness
IT was agreed upon the arrival of Charles and his tutor that the latter should go first to see how the land lay and that the young gentleman should not see his father—thereby to give their project breath—till he had paid his respects to Lady Hazard
Mr Standfast immediately sought my lord and having very opportunely found him he was informed with but little previous ceremony that his patron was undone—lost—irretrievable lost beyond all possibility of hope
Good God exclaimed Standfast with terror in his countenance whence can this unexpected blow have come It is no diminution of your fortune my lord
Of my life of my soul of my honour returned my lord Oh that I had listened to thy advice Heavenly God that a man should murder his peace sell his lifes happiness and render
himself despicable for the brutal villanous gratification of a single moment Will you know the extent of my misery the giddy precipice on which I stood and frightful abyss into which I am plunged Will you know my torment my horror my despair my hell
Be calm my lord said Standfast
with the utmost commiseration he could convey into his countenance
Calm replied his lordship yes when I have destroyed myself when the wretches have added my death to the destruction of my peace of mind
Wretches What wretches cried Standfast eagerly
Keep me not on this wrack of suspence lest my friendship take the alarm and I yield to my fears of that fatal evil which my boding heart has so long anticipated
Hear the truth then said my lord and let all worthy men like thee detest me while I utter it I have lain with that infernal woman she has communicated to me a damned disease and I have infected my dear my innocent wife that excellent creature that pattern of her sex beyond all example who never had a blemish on her heart or understanding but when she joined her unhappy fate to a worthless wretch like me
Angels of pity comfort me said Standfast—Ah my dear lord why did I go this curst journey into the country If I had been on the spot I am sure I should have saved you
It would have been useless cried my lord starting from a chair into which he had thrown himself I had ceased to confide in you before you left town and was glad of a pretext to get rid of your solicitation
Mr Standfast now uttered a most warm and pathetic speech lamenting general depravity and deploring most affectingly his friends want of resolution So excellent indeed were his reasons his remarks so heartfelt and his manner so persuasive that my lord declared there lived not his equal—To say truth this speech had its merit and so it ought for like many other speeches which are intended to surprise instead of convince it had been some time in preparation And now the tutor entreated to know the particulars of this unfortunate business desirous perhaps of being satisfied whether his actors had performed their parts in the manner he had set down for them especially as he had such an opportunity of hearing their respective merits from a critic who would be sure to do them justice
My lord briefly told him that being informed by Colonel Tiltly and some others that a gentleman named Snaffle was traducing him in every coffeehouse where he came and that one of his friends who vindicated him had very nearly got into a duel on his account he made it his business to seek after Snaffle but found only the sham sister as before who it was plain was instructed to play upon him At length he found his man at home when matters were very handsomely explained and he was idiot enough to stay to supper The presence of the sister and the bumpers with which he was drenched produced the rest
But concluded my lord that a set of people should conspire the ruin of a man so little known to them and work the destruction of his peace of mind is a species of wickedness and depravity that I cannot give either motive or name
My dear lord cried Standfast impatiently I see a gleam of happiness here a celestial and benignant ray of hope
What do you mean exclaimed Lord Hazard
These people cried Standfast have reaped no pecuniary advantage from their villany
How should they said his lordship
No none—it is a contrivance then cried Standfast of Mrs OShocknesy God send she may be disappointed
Heaven
and earth cried my lord you have certainly divined the truth it is that diabolical wretch sure enough who else could have taken such unheard of pains to make me miserable I knew I felt thou wouldst comfort me But still is not the calamity the same my dear Standfast
Not at all my lord answered his kind friend very confidently Are you sure of what you say in relation to your lady
From what I may reasonably conjecture it must be so said my lord Oh God if I could but flatter myself there
Well well hope for the best cried Standfast You forget my lord how artfully the snare was laid for you I am sure if your lordship was off your guard there is no prudence but may be surprised My advice is this If for the sake of your ladys health matters should require an explanation honestly give it her and lay the blame upon Mrs OShocknesy I would stake my life upon the issue And now my lord throw off your chagrin I dare say your lady knows no uneasiness upon this subject but that which she has felt from seeing you miserable
She shall see me so no longer then said my lord By imitating thee I will grow honest and that shall teach me to be chearful
Having so far adjusted matters Lord Hazard felt himself wonderfully relieved As for Charles all he could learn from his mother was that her lord had for several days appeared very ill and very uneasy that it certainly was caused by some disagreeable news he had heard
but continued she whatever it is we must unite to comfort him I am sure from me he deserves every thing for his affection encreases every day
Charles convinced he was the cause of his fathers unhappiness took leave of his mother as early as he decently could to go in quest of Standfast that common friend in the family for surely it is the office of a friend to make people easy
The tutor was ready to receive him and apparently anxious to put him out of pain for he seized him very cordially by the hand and told him matters were in such a swimming train that he had only to appear as if nothing had happened and he might be assured that his father would not even mention the circumstance
Standfast had now restored the tranquility of both father and son and in some measure his own for the latter part of his conversation with his patron was concerning Lady Roebuck but as he could not
gather any reason to believe she had been tatling he fairly concluded she was afraid to attack him or else perhaps as chance had thrown him again in her way the lady had wisely adopted the proverb better late than never and so promised herself the accomplishment of what his vanity induced him to believe she wished so difficult is it for men of Mr Standfasts turn of mind to credit that any one can be actuated by motives purely generous and merely disinterested
The triumphant Mr Standfast however had never been so near detection as while he was absent That conversation between the two ladies which took a different turn as the reader has seen at the end of the seventh chapter had introduced into the mind of Lady Roebuck a number of alarming fears for her friend She could not give Mr Standfast that implicit credit which he seemed to exact of Lord and Lady Hazard for the active part he had taken in the business of Miss Snaffle Indeed knowing from her own experience how little pretensions he had either to gratitude principle or generosity her tongue was very reluctantly reined in whenever she heard any thing in his commendation but at length considering Lady Hazard was a new though a very intimate acquaintance and that the office she longed to undertake was rather a thankless one she took a
little time for reflection during which interval a circumstance happened which decided her wavering resolution As however it was of sufficient consequence to require that Sir Sidney should be consulted the reader is of course anxious to know what it was and the result of their deliberations The latter I am very ready to say was that to arm Lord and Lady Hazard against the machinations of Mr Standfast was treading on very tender ground and therefore they ought not to take any material steps in so weighty a business till their arrival in the country where Sir Sidney said he would begin this Herculean labour This then they resolved As to the circumstance which procured this resolution it will come better hereafter To have mentioned it here would have been premature and not to have said something on the suspicions of Sir Sidney and his lady would have been tacitly to have accused the reader of a deficiency in penetration for it is hardly possible that any one who knew Mr Standfast should believe him capable of devoting himself so suddenly to the practise of real virtue when his whole life had been an artful study how to keep up the appearance of it
Standfast has been seen very solicitous to get at the particulars of Lord Hazards unfortunate intrigue for which I have assigned the real motive
and to say truth he was not pleased with the relation: for in his absence—to carry on the allusion I used at that time—his peice had been mutilated by the managers and ill performed by the actors a material incident had been cut out of his projecting and another by no means condusive to the catastrophe he wished to take place introduced—These alterations were principally owing to the heroine who in real life as well as upon the stage is generally apt to take these sort of liberties and though Mr Standfast had not been present at the representation of his performance yet being a consummate judge of effect he saw plainly it would have had more striking success could he have been on the spot to have conducted it
To drop this allusion Standfast plainly saw that Mrs OShocknesy had taken the liberty to alter his plan no doubt for private ends of her own He had left orders for an anonymous letter to be sent to Lady Hazard on the very evening his lordship should be engaged at Snaffles apprizing her of the fact This it was plain to Standfast had been neglected but that something as we before observed should be substituted in its place the lady had through the means of Miss Snaffle conferred a favour on his lordship which she thought would serve just as well to communicate the secret to Lady
Hazard To say truth this was a coup de grace which Standfast with all his rascallity had not meditated It was a vengeance truly feminine and greatly worthy the vindictive Mrs OShocknesy—How these conspirators answered their conduct to their ringleader will by and by be seen At present I shall only say that Mrs OShocknesy defended herself by an argument which will at least prove her to be a proper coadjutor of the great Mr Standfast It was no less than that the knowledge of Lady Hazards pregnancy induced her to take that harmless step before mentioned without her principals privity at which he was as much incenced as was Hecate against the witches who dared to prompt Macbeth in his iniquity without her orders
IT will now be proper to speak concerning Miss Le Clerc whose whole history as far as Mr Ingot knew it Sir Sidney learnt much about the time the two ladies were reading Emmas letter for the good citizen being as I observed Lord Hazards man of business they were in a manner obliged to consult him upon several points relative to the property of Little Hockley On the first of these visits every thing naturally came out and when the baronet and his lady met both were ripe for the discovery of what was no secret to either
The story of Annette was no mystery but it has been shewn in what way it was told and if Miss Le Clerc was Sir Sidneys wife what then was Lady Roebuck This was a consideration of a most serious nature and in justice to so amiable a lady it was admitted that it ought to be set to rights—Lord and Lady Hazard being therefore the only persons who had it in their power to make a single
comment on this subject and that nobleman and his lady having by this time for many reasons become great favourites with these two friends they were without the alteration of a single circumstance informed of the real truth This led to the establishment of a most intimate and binding friendship between the two couples and the baronet and Lady Roebuck felicitated themselves upon the certainty as they now conceived it of that plan which they had formed of making Lord Hazard the reformer of his own village As preaching however cannot have half the effect of example they resolved as the reader has seen to reserve their grand attack till they should arrive at the place of action when his lordship should be assailed in such a manner as would deprive him of the means of defending himself and oblige him—especially as his lady was already gained over—to surrender at discretion
Lord Hazard very soon got perfectly restored to health and as there were no reasons to believe that his suspicions concerning his lady had any foundation he by degrees regained his usual ease and tranquility
As to Charles he received a quire of letters from Miss Figgins full of sythes and wows and flamming arts but convinced that under the guidance of
Standfast all he incurred was a trifling expence he rather felt proud of the business and was not a little pleased that at an age under eighteen he had given such notable proofs of his manhood He felt however very gratefully towards both his parents who he was convinced knew of his irregularity and had the kindness not to upbraid him with it and as this imaginary conduct of theirs induced him to treat them with the most dutiful and minute attention so it endeared him to their notice and regard ten times stronger than ever Sir Sidney was not an idle spectator of this He was charmed with Charles and really began to meditate seriously that alliance which it may be recollected he mentioned formerly in jest
These projects which were intended to blossom in the spring and produce fruit in the summer laid at present dormant in their minds we will therefore pass over the hurry of the winter and bring them to the sign of the John of Gaunts Head an inn in their way to Warwickshire
The landlord of this house who was a great favourite of Sir Sidney prided himself on having as distinct and ample a genealogy as any lord nay he looked upon himself as superior to many who boast that title for said he
What are lords the creatures
of yesterday to those in my family of three hundred years standing adding alack a day human creatures are buckets in a well one up and tother down
This landlord was not a little proud of having been a substantial yeoman of Kent He had been indeed a considerable farmer but having a strong inclination to indulge himself in that hospitality in which it was not within his circumstances to cut any tolerable figure he had entertained so many poor gentlemen of high extraction till at length as the phrase is he ran out and leaving off farming left also his own country and took an inn not far from High Wickham
The house bore all the insignia of its masters fancied consequence and the reliques of those mighty deeds which were performed by his ancestors and in which he took so much pleasure as he sat in his chimney corner to record were distributed about wherever he could find a place for them Shields and spears glittered in the kitchen instead of potlids and spits helmets and cuisses in the place of stags horns adorned the hall and mismatched pieces of tapestry covered the walls of every room
Lord Hazard insisted upon being introduced in
form and Sir Sidney undertook to be gentleman usher upon the occasion My lord confessed he could boast but of very recent extraction being as one might say a junior branch of the nobility
Why truly answered the landlord you will pardon my jocularity my lord there is a spot of Rust on your eschuteon which perhaps by Hazard may be rubbed out
The archness as well as frankness of this reply pleased his lordship so much that he entered into a long conversation with the landlord that ended in an explanation of all the warlike trophies before mentioned the history of which contained a kind of summary review of the history of England we shall therefore forbear to recite any part of what passed except one remark They were examining a rosary which was said to have belonged to the unfortunate Mary Queen of Scots My lord said that hers was a lamentable fate
Lamentable said the landlord shaking his head if she had not been an angel upon earth Bess would not have been so ready to send her to make one in heaven
AT the inn where our travellers lay had arrived two musicians just before dark who were going to a noblemans scat in the neighbourhood upon a summer excursion and where there was to be a grand concert the next day One of the gentlemen an Italian had the day before been seized with a violent fever but being told that his patron had sent express for him he determined to go in spight of his indisposition especially as he knew he should be taken greater care of at the house of his benefactor than at home His companion came to acquaint him that he had received a similar summons This put the finishing stroke to the Italians determination for they were both famous performers on the trumpet and seldom played asunder
At this meeting the two musicians talked about what fishing and shooting they should have and above all what delicious burgundy they should taste at his lordships nor did they fail to enjoy by anticipation certain jokes which the Italian being
a wag had it in contemplation to play some of his lordships retinue One in particular he concerted which was to ridicule a black servant for whom the Italian had an inveterate aversion because he could not blow the french horn in tune
Perdio cried he I tink I see de villain cavaliero vid his vite orse and plack visage make one tammed nise oh Diavolo
For it should here be known that his lordship though he had constantly a troop of musicians after him and some of them men of distinguished talents would rather have been called in at the death of a fox by the dissonant belching of his favourite horn than have listened to the best chorus of HANDEL performed by five hundred and fiftythree persons capable of realizing all that celestial rapture of which Doctor BURNEY dreamt
The English musician took his leave of the Italian recommending him to take as much rest as possible before they should set off In conformity with this advice the Italian betook himself to sleep and passed the night in tolerable tranquility except that he had a slight delirium in which he fancied the above mentioned black pursued him on his white horse and that he escaped from him with great difficulty and much more such stuff evidently the effect of a distempered brain Having however shook off the phantom he afterwards obtained
tolerable repose and felt himself pretty well recovered when his friend the English musician came to call him up
I thought it necessary to premise thus much that the reader might the better account for a disturbance that happened at the inn The house was buried in a total silence when the Italian whose distemper had received no mitigation from either the journey or a shower of rain which had fallen in the afternoon all of a sudden awoke from a horrid dream in which his inveterate enemy the black appeared to him on his steed as before but with the addition of a large sabre with which he threatened to put him instantly to death
Frightened at the spectre like Chamont he rose and called for lights which indeed he need not have done for there was a solitary candle glimmering in the chimney corner by the help of which imperfect luminary every thing could faintly be discerned Leaping from the bed the first object his eyes encountered being a figure in the tapestry of Edward the black prince mounted upon a white horse and giving directions at the battle of Poictiers he ran in a most frantic manner along the gallery and owing to his corpulent form—which extremely resembled a brandy keg or a ninepin made a rapid
descent to the hall underneath There being in total darkness he groped about for a considerable time to no purpose in hopes of finding a door into the yard
All this time the fever being at an alarming height every thing he touched seemed to be the falling stroke of that monstrous instrument of death wielded by the figure in the tapestry At length bellowing like a bull and bounding from one table to another like a tost pancake or a kicked football he discovered as he imagined the door A faint glimmering of light that beamed on him facilitated this welcome idea and he strove but in vain to find the lock Exploring this impervious gloom which as far as his scattered recollection gave opportunity to notice appeared the seat of sorcery where all the demons of hell were assembled to torment him for as to being in an inn it never once occurred to his imagination something that felt like down and smelt intolerably bitter fell about his ears and tormented him the more in proportion as he attempted to defend himself from it And now having his eyes nose and mouth pretty well filled with this suffocating annoyance which contrary to the airdrawn dagger of Macbeth was sensible only to the feeling he stampt rubbed his face raved sputtered and struggled till at last he
got out of the vortex of this den of Erebus to which he seemed to have been drawn by a hellish and invisible influence
Lifting however his hands in an extreme of distraction—indeed exactly as St Paul is drawn preaching at Athens—something tumbled from above which fitted himself completely like a coat of armour without the casque or cuisses
Fully persuaded the demon that pursued him had now got him in his clutches he stormed howled foamed and squeaked out as incongruous and inarticulate a recitative as ever Hannibal or Scipio did at the opera house
At this moment one of the waiters who had been to pay a visit to the bed chamber of the cook maid Molly and who of course was the most watchful in the house entered the hall with a lighted candle
The Italians singular jeopardy was occasioned by his mistaking the chimney for the door There struggling to get out he had made himself as black as a soot bag and upon his retreat fairly invested himself in the strange manner above mention with a buff jerkin which my landlord had received as a legacy from his father who affirmed and verily
believed that it was the same worne by Guy Earl of Warwick when he killed the dun cow
No sooner had the waiter seen this precious relique of his masters ancestors in the hands or rather on the back of the Italian than taking him for a thief who wanted to rob the house he ran to fetch his master The Italian to be even with him upon descrying the light and an opposite door at the same time ran rapidly up another pair of stairs His precipitate flight confirmed the waiter in his suspicions and facilitated his return to his master who by this time alarmed by the noise had just issued from his apartment
The landlord having heard the matter from his man swore by the glory of his forefathers he would cut him up alive and invoking the manes of Edward the black prince and John of Gaunt followed muttering curses all the way to the chamber of the English musician whither the Italian had by accident directed his flight and to where his distracted bellowing piloted both man and master
In the mean time the Italian had reached his brother professors apartment and hid himself buff jerkin and all under the cloaths The Englishman disturbed by the noise and still more by the
Italians flouncing into bed waked in an instant and before he had time to recollect what could occasion so extraordinary an intrusion saw in a confused manner by the help of the light which dimly gleamed through the passage what a strange hedious figure he had in bed with him on which he had no sooner cast his eyes than in a dreadful fright he all of a sudden leaped from the bed and got under it
The Italian who began to perceive the light and concluding his companion had seen the man and horse which he had no doubt still pursued him followed him close at his heels being under the bed almost as soon as him The English musician being pressed hard by the same abominable figure half dead with the fright crawled out on the opposite side which happened to be next to the door still followed by the Italian
The landlord and the waiter now came up with them and the candle being produced the appearance of this quadrumvirate was beyond the power of tongue or pen to describe The distraction of the Italian the astonishment of his companion the paralytic fear of the landlord who spight of the examples of his ancestors trembled from head to foot and the consternation of the waiter composed in
their different countenances such a set of unbrageous olive livid and cadaverous tints as surely no faces ever before exhibited
The English trumpeter as he encountered the landlord was overturned and now lay flat on the floor The descendant of Hengist had gathered himself up into a grotesque attitude looking at the fallen musician and the waiter was pushing the candle forward under his masters arm to see what was the matter while the Italian had crept to the other side of the bed and having searched for something to defend himself catched up his companions trumpet who had brought that instrument into his chamber to have it safe With this weapon he leapt upon a chest of drawers and whether he was now wrought to such a height of phrenzy as not to know what he did or whether instinct conducted the trumpet to his mouth without his knowledge certain it is that his stretched companion had scarcely demanded what was the matter and the landlord thundered out a volley of execrations ending with
give me my jerkin
than the Italian sounded a charge and then a defiance and then a parley as fast as they could succeed each other
The moment the English musician heard the trumpet he knew his friend as well as if he had
spoken to him and instantly guessed that the confusion must have been occasioned by the Italians illness who had become delirious and thus alarmed the house
Feeling however for the safety of his trumpet which same provident sensation impelled the landlord in relation to the Earl of Warwicks habiliment they both approached him where he stood trumpet in hand like another fame in a buff jerkin and were within an inch of their prey when the Italian fairly made a spring over their heads darted out of the door and ran along the gallery then down stairs afterwards out of the back door into the yard and lastly all over the village blowing away almost without any cessation
This was a partial last trump to the village for all but those in their graves immediately started up to see what was the matter As to the inn imagination never formed so singular a confusion The musician raved for his trumpet the landlord stormed for his buff jerkin here a waiter appeared with his cloaths tumbled into the tail of his shirt which he held by way of an apron there a maid servant with a petticoat tied about her head instead of her waist here John the ostler appeared in Sukeys night cap and Sukey in Johns wig—In short there was not
one person in the house—for all agreed to put o•… manly firmness and meet in the hall together—even to Sir Sidney and Lord Hazard that did not cut a ludicrous figure while the village cried out some a fight others a fire and all with hasty steps ran towards our inn which thus in a few minutes was filled in addition to its own company with the major part of the village among whom were not a few females with clouts about their heads and children in their arms a sort of spectators who are sure to be foremost at every sight be it a boxing match a lord mayors shew or an execution
The English musician getting upon the great table now begged to be heard and having at last obtained silence very naturally accounted for every thing that had happened finishing with a declaration that he apprehended the Italian must now be so far gone that the landlords jerkin and his trumpet were certainly in danger of being spoiled
Far gone cried a country fellow why I zeed un myzel at the back of Master Clovers barn and thats only behind thick here orchard Oons do but list a tiny bit dost not hear un
I do exclaimed the musician I do and my dear trumpet is as sound as ever Zounds I know what I will do shew me to his bed chamber
—at
which he jumped down and so scampered up stairs that the spectators began to fear lest he should be infected with the same phrenzy as his companion A very few seconds however brought him back again with the Italians own trumpet hollowing out
This will do this will do here is that shall bring him back again
He now hastened to the yard door and putting the trumpet to his mouth sounded a defiance which was immediately answered at a distance In his next essay he was answered somewhat nearer Upon two or three repetitions the Italian came down the street sounding all the way a parley till at last he was caught held fast brought into the house and the trumpet and buff jerkin restored to their respective owners As to the poor devil himself he was an object of the truest compassion His eyes darted fire he foamed at the mouth and raved like a bedlamite
At the desire of his friend the Italian was conveyed to his bed which in a most emaciated condition he made shift to leave in somewhat less than five weeks
As I intimated at the end of the first volume that the pranks of the mad musician extraneous as at first sight they must appear had relation and very strongly too to the main and most material part of my design so I shall now proceed to shew in what way
The reader will allow me that according to the letter of my description which really did not outgo the fact the bustle at the inn must to strangers and particularly ladies have been alarming to a
great degree and when it is considered that Lady Hazard was seven months gone with child it will not appear very extraordinary that terrified in so unexpected and particular a manner it should have such an effect upon her tender and delicate frame as to throw her into labour which it actually did
Mr Standfast upon this news undertook to produce a gentleman of the faculty from London whither he went as fast as a chaise and four horses could convey him accompanied by Charles whose anxiety for his mother was strongly manifested in his heartening and encouraging the postillions My Lord however was not idle There were several towns near at hand and each of them boasted its manmidwife so fashionable was it even then to adopt a custom which the landlord swore—as he stirred the kitchen fire to prepare for the necessary potations upon this occasion—was a disgrace to the English nation a custom to which our ancestors who had nerves that like their bows twanged with strength were utter strangers He said it was a custom originating from sloth and effiminacy that it was one of those blessed improvements towards the annihilation of manliness and becoming decency that our natural enemies did us the favour to introduce every day that it was unmanly and
scandalous as well as ignorant and ridiculous for that the most experienced practitioner could not possibly from the nature of the circumstance arrive to any thing comparable to the knowledge of a woman upon such an occasion to whom every possible symptom must be practically known and who—which with our landlord was ninetenths of his argument—could alone conduct such a particular business with proper decorum
In this temper he sent for a good old lady who he said had been obstetric gentlewoman usher to half the town and never had met with an accident unless from such a combination of natural causes as would have baffled the utmost perfection of art
The old lady who resided in the neighbourhood arrived first and Lord Hazard extremely anxious to procure assistance made no scruple of introducing her to his wife
Ay ay cried the landlord as he poured her out a glass of usquebaugh this is as it should be here my lord is an operator and please you worth a thousand of your menmidwives fellows that I believe would rather have the reputation of getting children than of bringing them into the world I once asked a chap of this stamp what
made all the children he produced so cursed rickety—and he answered me with great archness that a man had a right to mar what he made
Notwithstanding the landlords rhetoric he was obliged to pull in his horns when he understood that Lady Hazards case was of so particular a kind that the good old gentlewoman his friend could not venture to proceed in it upon her single judgment Being asked what he said to this he replied he was still right—it happened to be one of those difficult cases which required assistance but yet the gentleman whoever he was would reap great benefit from the old woman who would be able to explain to him all he had to do and from a conviction being a woman that he could not have the smallest conception of.
Before morning arrived three gentlemen who had been sent for from different towns and presently afterwards Standfast Charles and an eminent manmidwife from London who upon all such occasions attended her ladyship A number of corks were heard to report their liberty and hot wine possets and other comfortable drinks smoked all over the house yet though the landlord was greatly pleased at what went forward when he cast his eyes upon the medical tribe he could not help remarking that
he did not believe there was half so much fuss when king ARTHUR was born
To the last gentleman who arrived the rest of course gave way He immediately visited Lady Hazard and shortly afterwards found it necessary to have a private conversation with his lordship—nor will the reader be greatly astonished though very much shocked to hear that in the course of this conference it came out that the peculiarity of Lady Hazards case originated with Miss Snaffle
Lord Hazards feeling on this occasion was not simply wretchedness it was horror Standfast was called in that the whole might be explained to him in doing which my lord used such forcible language so execrated himself and so extolled the high the transcendent friendship of the tutor that the surgeon who was both a sensible man and a valuable member of society declared he was charmed at the circumstance and should be very happy to cultivate Mr Standfasts friendship
The surgeon being now particularly informed of the case declared that a very disagreeable operation must be performed but he hoped the life of Lady Hazard was not in danger He said he could easily give the matter a turn to the other physical gentlemen
who he could plainly see were ignorant pretenders to a profession in which they had neither right nor ability to practice and this he said he conceived materially necessary for the sake of Lady Hazards peace of mind which it would be impossible to preserve if the matter were known to any but himself—it being a practice with these gentry at which indeed they are very expert to injure the domestic as well as the corporeal constitution
Lord Hazard finding that every thing might be managed without confiding to his lady the real cause of her present danger declared he would wait the event with patience and resignation which turned out as the surgeon had predicted the child was destroyed but the lady survived the operation As to the old woman she was sent home as soon as possible for the surgeon agreed so far with the landlord that he feared much more a discovery through her than through his brother professors
It was nearly six weeks before Lady Hazard could be with safety removed during which time her kind friend Lady Roebuck scarcely stirred from her Nor was the baronet less attentive to my lord He had set his heart upon stimulating that nobleman to an emulation of his own conduct when they should arrive in Warwickshire and doubted not as
he knew Lady Hazard longed for the accomplishment of so desirable an end when he should explain to his friend how practicable such a task was and how sure and immense the reward he would readily join him in so meritorious an exercise of that liberality which Lord Hazard whatever were his foibles certainly possessed
Pleased with these ideas, the time rolled insensibly on for as soon as Lady Hazard could be removed she was for the present conveyed to a house in the neighbourhood which her lord had hired for that purpose and as the company Sir Sidney expected for the summer called of necessity at the John of Gaunts Head in a few days the poet painter and musician made their appearance as well as Sir Sidneys attorney and a clergyman all of whom by invitation were to pass the summer at Roebuck hall
The assembly having now so largely increased parties of pleasure were planned and as Lady Hazards health seemed every day to be more confirmed the general tranquillity was restored
As to my lord his resolution was made and certainly irrevocably Therefore as no worse consequences had happened from his former conduct he
rejoiced at the present moment in the same degree as a patient who by a trifling and immaterial mutilation is restored to health and vigour from the morbid effects of a gangrene
The great difficulty with Sir Sidney and Lady Roebuck was how to proceed as to Standfast It was impossible to begin their attack on Lady Hazard as it would ruffle her mind in her present weak condition and as to my lord he was so wrapped up in his amiable friend that it would be impracticable as well as highly absurd to attempt at undeceiving him
In this state were matters situated when the clergyman lately mentioned arrived at the inn This gentleman whose name was Friend had been known to Sir Sidney for many years and was not the less esteemed by him for having incurred the displeasure of a bishop because he would not vote against his conscience He was a very learned and what is a great deal better a very sensible man for though he had little of that understanding by which men rise in the world and which according to ninetenths of mankind is the only mental coin that ought to pass current yet he had a number of old fashioned virtues of no great use but to the owner but to him valuable indeed—such as piety
an unsullied conscience a benevolent heart with the addition of a clear judgment an inventive genius and a critical and accurate knowledge of ancient and modern literature
As Sir Sidneys was a kind of house of call to good characters out of employ no wonder this gentleman was sometimes with him His visit at present however was on another account for the baronet to tell the reader the truth was not without hopes of seeing him rector of Little Hockley He had been some time nominated curate and at the death of the present incumbent the living would be in the gift of Lord Hazard That this circumstance which has not been mentioned before may not appear extraordinary I shall now explain how it came about
When Sir Sidney wrote to Lord Hazard as we have seen relative to Little Hockley he little dreamt that his application would have produced all the cordiality that now subsisted between them—On the contrary there was more of delicacy than hopes of success in consulting him at all
To Mr Standfast however he did not conceive he owed any such delicacy and therefore as the right of nominating a curate reverted to the rector
at the death of Major Malplaquet disliking the bargain and sale manner in which it had been transacted before he applied in the strongest possible way to the good pastor for the appointment of Mr Friend to that situation namely by making an offer to commute with him for the entire profits of the living at a very handsome price and to pay the curates salary out of his own pocket
The rector who could calculate much better than he could preach entered into the whole spirit of the argument and Mr Friend became to Sir Sidney what Mr Standfast had been formerly to Major Malplaquet This was the reason why Mr Figgins removed to his vicarage who officiating for some short time at Little Hockley while the negociation was pending between Sir Sidney and the rector became known to the baronet and Mr Friend both of whom believed him to be a very valuable young man and Sir Sidney in particular assured him that if he could in future be of any service to him it would give him pleasure
In a few days after the arrival of Mr Friend Standfast had so ingratiated himself into his good opinion that the worthy man was charmed with him Indeed Standfast saw plainly that this was a good medium of recommendation to Sir Sidney
whose friendship for some reason or other he was strenuously desirous to cultivate Perhaps as providence appeared to have rescued Lord Hazard from his immediate gripe he had some similar favour in contemplation for the baronet
Certain it is that the damning proof which Sir Sidney and his lady imagined they had against Mr Standfast which was only presumptive began to sink before those positive proofs which seemed every day to announce his reformation from a number of crimes which he made no scruple to say he had formerly committed and this added to the transport he apparently felt at the restoration of that happiness which now began to gild the moments of Lord and Lady Hazard gave this fortunate gentleman such a favourable place in the hearts of all about him that really an accusation to his prejudice though ever so plausibly urged would probably have gained but little faith unless backed by very weighty and indeed undeniable proof against him
These Sir Sidney really had not The utmost he could alledge was that dissipation and those irregularities which Standfast confessed and disclaimed except indeed a strong suspicion of his being concerned in all the business of Miss Snaffle which if this recent behaviour was not hypocrisy amounted
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to nothing and which was corroborated only by an intercepted letter and even that—the rest not proved—would also fall to the ground
The proof alluded to was the very letter which Standfast fancied had not been sent but upon further enquiry he found himself mistaken yet as it had made no alteration in Lady Hazard he was convinced it had not been properly delivered and was afterwards confirmed in that opinion when he found it had been given to Lady Roebucks footman
In fact Lady Roebucks servant on that very fatal afternoon delivered her a letter at Lady Hazards where she happened to be waiting for Sir Sidney who promised to meet her there at tea time Lady Hazard was luckily writing letters in her own room and her friend had just taken up a favourite author from which employ being interrupted by
a letter for your ladyship
she without further ceremony opened it and read these words
I cannot refrain from acquainting you that your husband has an intrigue with an infamous woman and you will be assured that I tell
you truth when my intelligence is proved to you by his staying out the greatest part of this night Probably you may guess the quarter from whence you receive this and as revenge is completely in your power why not obey its dictates in favour of one who will not be ungrateful to your incomparable charms
Sir Sidney who came in while she was yet reading it cried out
So so I have caught you in the fact have I What tender epistle have you there
Only a discovery of your tricks my love said she
Read that but before you see a word remember I tell you it originates with Mr Standfast
As this conduct was no less handsome than usual in Lady Roebuck her husband was neither surprised at that nor at the contents of the letter Indeed they laughed so heartily at it that their mirth served only to double their concern when upon looking at the direction which neither of them had noticed before they saw it was addressed to Lady Hazard
They were now indeed strongly confirmed it came through Mr Standfast and after having insinuated
away Lady Hazards time till the lateness of the evening convinced them there was too much truth in the letter they retired and when alone formed that determination which we have seen so resolutely made at the end of the first volume and now almost abandoned at the very beginning of the second
The latter end of the letter Lady Roebuck thought could allude to no other than Standfast for though she had heard of the business of Dogbolt yet she could not avoid looking upon that to be overstrained and that the tutor at the bottom was the object who wanted to recommend himself and indeed Lady Hazard who wished to disguise nothing from her friend did not scruple to say there were times when she had similar suspicions though always upon reflection she was convinced she did him wrong
Mr Standfast being as conseious of all these matters as if he had known their thoughts combatted the effects of those resolutions they had taken in the manner we have seen and thus though continually on the brink of a discovry he traversed the verge of the precipice on which he was placed as securely though not so harmlessly
as SHAKESPEAREs peasant upon Dover cliff for the peasant is described as gathering a purifier of the blood while the parson was searching for whatever could inflame and corrupt it
As we shall have something to do with all those characters which I have lately introduced to the readers notice it may not be amiss if I mention a word or two of each in this place
The attorney whose name was Balance had long been a great favourite of Sir Sidney not because he had a remarkable number of enemies—though that was very often a sufficient reason for the baronet to espouse a mans interest—but because he had great professional integrity and private worth I shall in a moment explain how this gentleman conjured up such a host of foes by saying that he mortally hated roguery though a lawyer Indeed it had been doubted by many of his brother professors whether his odd notions and strange practice did not so decidedly operate against that strongest of all laws custom to the detriment of the general interest that a point might be made to strike him off the rolls
For said they very learnedly
as usage has time out of mind regulated laws as usage has established that it shall be lawful for attornies to appropriate to themselves not only the money goods and chattles lands and tenements wives and children consciences peace of mind nay even the liberty and lives of their clients and as this said lawyer Balance absolutely rejects in toto all such general power over his clients shamefully contenting himself with moderate and reasonable recompence from those in whose behalf he has succeeded and scandalously declining to prosecute and pursue to their ruin such as he plainly sees have been already plucked and pillaged till they totter under the weight of their accumulated misfortunes—quere whether by trampling upon custom which is paramount to law and explaining justice and equity to be the same thing which for the better promotion of cavils and arguments have been considered time immemorial to have distinct and different meanings and looked upon as things that ought to be for ever kept separate and apart the said lawyer Balance ought not to undergo a heavy censure of the court for the first offence to be suspended during pleasure for the second and if upon returning to practice he should be found infringing this custom this usage this law, this justice this equity a third time then
and in that case to be considered as incorrigible and rendered incapable to practise in his majestys courts of justice
No one of these gentlemen however being patriot enough to rise up and rescue the laws from the gripe of so bold an innovator he went on with this illicit practice to the great terror of the pettifogging tribe—many of whom he had caused to be struck off the rolls—and to the admiration of all good men and among the foremost his particular friend Sir Sidney
We come now to the artists These were the same who had visited Roebuck hall for the last three years for though the baronet had formerly made a point of having a new set every season he at last gave up that plan finding upon taking them indiscriminately that he brought home with him little more than a cargo of vanity ignorance and affectation Having searched therefore with great care and met with three a little more to his mind though they certainly were strange kind of oddities he stuck to them and being now accustomed to their singularities and finding nothing in them that exceeded folly they really furnished him with a fund of amusement independant of their professional abilities
The poet Mr Ego by name was at least in his own opinion as much any thing else as a writer He knew every thing and what is very extraordinary better than any body
The painter was a professed satirist his talent lay in caricature and he blended the ideas which were conveyed by his pencil with his conversation
The musician was a striking contrast to the painter for he was as remarkably civil if not servile as the other was severe
I cannot do better than introduce the reader to them as they are sitting over a bottle at the John of Gaunt
You are a devilish severe fellow Mr Musquito said the poet to the painter
I said Musquito not at all—only a sort of a HORACE upon canvass thats all—a bit of a teazer or so—to be sure I can bite as hard as JUVENAL—but why should one torture flies
And why not cried the poet I would not give threepence for a satirist who could not make any body miserable
Ill try my hand upon him
said the painter speaking low to the musician Then turning to the poet he went on
Well said Ego Well said ipse dixit
Well said I b itself I Well said proof positive Well said infallibility Upon my soul Ego you would have made an admirable pope Sir he possesses every personal and mental qualification in the same proportion of excellence compared to others—
as you do shameless effrontery retorted the poet so you see I excel you at your own trade for I have said as severe a thing as ever you did in your life which has the advantage unlike yours of being truth I will appeal to Mr Toogood
To him said the painter a credulous easy foolish good natured—
Ay ay cried the musician abuse my credulity as much as you please but give me credit for my good intentions at least
I do I do said Musquito—
You intend very well I dare say when you praise a mans wisdom and so you do when you praise his folly In short in you human nature has such an advocate that there is scarcely a vice or a virtue that you have not a commendation for
Poor Musquito cried Toogood now upon my soul thy shafts must be terribly blunt when thou canst find nothing better to aim them at than me I own my services are devoted to all who think proper to make use of them
If they are rich answered Musquito drily for you know Toogood why should the poor be flattered—
Plague take you said the musician I was going to say that I wish to be civil to all mankind and if I have in a few trifling instances been mistaken blame nature who thought fit to sow in the garden of life among a plentiful crop of valuable plants a slight sprinkling of rascals and scoundrels In short Mr Musquito I would not give up the luxury of thinking well of mankind to have Mexico for my real estate Peru for my personal and the mines of Golconda for my menu plaisirs What the devil would you have me think as you do that every eye is divine into my heart and every hand into my pocket
Neither would be worth while Master Toogood—cried Musquito
Come come said Ego I will finish the dispute This is the fact you Mr Musquito are over suspicious and you Mr Toogood are over credulous I am the man for this world I steer the middle course
This company upon Lady Hazards recovery separated into two parties one of which set off for the seat of my lord and the other for that of the baronet till at length by the ringing of bells and the acclamations of all the inhabitants they were welcomed to Little Hockley and Castlewick
Sir Sidney threw his eyes complacently around
him which sparkled with the satisfaction of beholding so many sincere adherents and he did not at that moment a little plume himself upon the hope of seeing his friend in possession of the same solid enjoyment
The meeting between Sir Sidneys friends and Annette was tender beyond expression My lord declared he never saw so sweet a creature Charles thought her handsome but babyish His mind indeed ran upon riper charms for he had so little of the delicacy of love in his composition that he conceived himself a perfect Caesar and having made so many first sight conquests he was yet to learn the pleasure of solicitation
It is a shame to talk thus of a boy of eighteen but really Mr Standfast had so well remembered the conversation that passed between him and Viney previous to his introduction to Lord Hazard that the young gentleman had already experienced the secresy of the very same surgeon whose cautious conduct we were witnesses of in the last chapter This gentleman to say the truth was a perfect HIPPOCRATES As well as the medical skill of that ancient he possessed his prudence for he seemed to adhere to the famous oath of his predecessor in which he enjoined himself to make his patients
good his principal aim and that whatever he saw or heard in the course of his practice or otherwise relative to the affairs of life nobody should ever know if it ought to remain a secret
The country and its amusements had infused such pleasure and satisfaction into every member of this society that nothing was seen but cheerfulness—They mustered up a tolerable concert at Sir Sidneys a thousand good humoured sallies circulated in the way of impromptues and epigrams and sketches of each others singularities were handed about to the no small diversion of all but those immediately caricatured Charles was pretty adroit in each way and having a greater licence his strokes were bolder and in every other respect at least a match for the rest In short there was no part of their time unfilled by some pleasure to every persons taste for it was a maxim with Sir Sidney that all was fair in which there was no premeditated mischief As for the rest Mr Friend began to experience very agreeable effects from his efforts at Little Hockley especially as they were seconded by the exhortations of Standfast who they knew had been a great sinner and who now assured them that he was become a great penitent
Thus possessed of every pleasure a smiling country
profuse liberality joyful hearts and ingenious heads could produce their happiness would have been complete had it not been damped by the indisposition of Lady Hazard who a short time after their arrival in the country evidently fell into a gradual decline
This in a great measure prevented Lord Hazard from a participation in the general happiness and gave occasionally no little uneasiness to Sir Sidney and Lady Roebuck My lord however in proportion as he shunned the general hilarity courted the charms which he found in private meditation and the exercise of that benevolence to which he was so forcibly stimulated by Sir Sidney
MATTERS wore this face when Charles who had been in continual anxiety relative to the situation of Miss Figgins saw her brother one morning ride into the park It was about the time when the young gentleman flattered himself he should become a father and having accosted Mr Figgins who returned his salutation with bare civility he was convinced this manly achievement of his had been crowned with the expected success Relying however on the friendship of Mr Standfast he felt rather satisfied than otherwise on the subject and immediately appeared as coldly civil as the young clergyman
Mr Figgins was shewn to Mr Standfast with whom he held a long conference the result of which our hero waited for with impatience and he was not a little astonished when the two gentlemen came towards him in terms of very high altercation
Charles could distinctly hear Standfast say
Come come this is a little too rascally
Rascally cried the other
Yes replied Standfast for it is impossible that you can be ignorant of her character
—and then seeing Charles said
Here is the young gentleman and I confess his conduct was imprudent enough but sir I tell you once again it was a trap for him and if it had not been for my positive injunction so honourable are his sentiments he would have disgraced his family for ever by marrying your sister whom I can prove to be a woman void of reputation To tell you the truth sir this was the cause of my silence and as I am convinced you must have been privy to the whole business you need not expect any further countenance from my lord the bishop or any other of my friends
Mr Figgins declared that if Mr Standfast could in the smallest degree prove what he asserted he should abandon his sister as a wretch unworthy his protection He protested his total ignorance of her character and solemnly assured Mr Standfast he knew nothing of the intrigue between her and our hero till—seeing her palpably in a condition that would shortly bring disgrace on him particularly because of his profession and connections—he taxed her with the fact and she with great unwillingness
discovered to him what had passed He uttered a very florid speech on the subject of ingratitude and declared he should detest himself if he could be capable even was his benefactor—meaning Mr Standfast—to withdraw his countenance and protection for ever from him to meditate any return that could militate against those honourable sentiments of pure and grateful acknowledgment which were eminently his due
Mr Standfast confessed till this business he had always considered him as a very thankful proper decent grateful young man—nay he might recollect he had given hints that there would be no objection to count upon his future favour and really if he could acquit himself—
Will you suffer me to speak said Charles
As to Mr Figgins I most sincerely beg his pardon for the irregularity I was guilty of in his house That he should know any thing of it is morally impossible because his sister told me that she sincerely believed he would be the death of her if he found it out and I assure you this has at times given me so much anxiety that if I had not promised you Mr Standfast upon my honour—which I hope will ever be a sacred pledge with me—to leave the whole to your discretion I certainly should long ago have written to Mr Figgins and laid all the blame on
myself where it certainly ought to fall I am very happy to have this opportunity of coming to so proper an explanation and will readily abide by the determination of Mr Standfast in relation to my future conduct
My dear Charles said Standfast your conduct in this as in every thing else is perfectly handsome Perhaps my zeal for your honour and that of your noble father has hurried me too far and induced me to treat Mr Figgins with more harshness than he merited I will take his word for what he asserts because really as I said before there has always been something about him like ingenuousness gratitude and a proper sense of obligation
—Here Figgins bowed—
If therefore matters go in the old train as to him I beg that it may extend to his sister
This is the point I wanted to come to said Charles I assure you we were both betrayed into what we did for neither of us originally meant more than a very harmless gratification
Oh yes said Standfast Come come Charles you might be a Lubin but she was no Annette I assure you No no Figgins added Standfast taking Charles by the hand my pupil here whom
I hope to see a duke is no match for your sister even were there not that bar which I will hereafter convince you subsists In the mean time let the bantling come forth and be brought up—we will find a provision for it
Mr Figgins was now invited to spend a few days in the family to which he consented Indeed the time passed so agreeably that a fortnight had elapsed before he ever dreamt of taking his leave Charles during this interval became very intimate with him and Mr Friend and the good Mildman—which last declared he began to have hopes of Little Hockley the moment the young gentleman had appeared among them—were charmed with his society
Nor must the reader who knows his origin too hastily credit that I am advancing any thing unnatural or unlikely Art does not require brilliant talents and no people in the world are so easily imposed upon as good men Pay but a modest deference to your own opinion that you may not seem too servile struggle a little with conviction before you appear to yield to it and though you give up points with reluctance never fail in the end to crown your adversary with the palm of victory—
and be assured of friends wherever you choose to make them
Standfast knew mankind surely This young man was bred up under him and as he had strong intellects rather an engaging figure a retentive memory a wonderful natural penetration a collected and shrewd sagacity with a fortunate knack of chequering his conversation with bits and scraps of philosophy and morality which he had studied it is not at all astonishing that he should be mistaken for a sensible and good man by such as could they have discovered any defects in him would rather have excused than exposed them
Mr Standfast one day having received some letters from London came to my lord and informed him that his uncle was at the point of death Of this uncle Lord Hazard had heard him speak and always understood he had great expectations from him He therefore begged that no time might be lost but that the tutor should instantly set out to see his relation This was the more readily agreed to because Mr Figgins could stay to superintend his pupils studies which indeed now consisted of nothing more than reading and comparing different authors a part of which exercise
he pleasures of the country took off not to reckon nis attention to painting and music in both of which he was a great proficient
These preliminaries adjusted Mr Standfast took his leave of his good friends in Warwickshire and repaired to London from whence in a short time afterwards he informed Lord Hazard that his uncle being dead he was left independant but that he should still consider him as his benefactor and would as soon as he should have settled his affairs wait on him He anxiously enquired after Lady Hazard whom he had left in a very declining state of health hoped his pupil was pleased with Figgins whom he took the liberty to recommend as his tutor while he should need a person in that capacity and offered to relinquish in his favour that annuity which his lordship had settled on him for life
My lord replied in a suitable manner to this letter He wished his friend joy of his good fortune drew a melancholy picture of Lady Hazards situation enlarged most pathetically on his own treatment of her solemnly declared if he should lose her all his happiness would be at an end consented with pleasure to his proposal concerning Figgins but positively refused—though he was determined to take care of the young man—to suffer the smallest restitution
of that which he Standfast had infinitely more than deserved—winding up the whole with a strong contrast between the great and exalted merit of his friend and his own unworthiness
In the mean time the summer was gliding away during which scarcely a day passed that did not bring with it some new pleasure but yet Lady Hazards indisposition was a cloud that dimmed this serene sky As most of these amusements however were calculated for the alleviation of her pain especially those which Charles conducted—for he doated on his mother—their enjoyments suffered but little diminution on her account In the mean time our heros sentiments changed insensibly every day in favour of Annette though really his heart was yet a perfect stranger to the delicious sensations of delicate love and those he did feel young as he was upon so proper an occasion he well knew how to suppress He had some warm thoughts certainly as to Emma and knowing as much of books as herself he very archly conceived a design of conquering her with her own weapons but finding her virtue too well fortified to yield to his solicitations he made an honourable retreat greatly to her satisfaction who was not in the least angry for virtue with her was slender indeed that could not withstand every trial On the contrary she ventured
to predict that Annette was his destined wife but foresaw his imprudence would cost many a mutual heart ach before the accomplishment of their destiny
Charles certainly had not the smallest objection to consider Annette in the light of an intended wife nor was he by any means as I have already said insensible to either her beauty or accomplishments and therefore—especially as he had the sanction of both his and her parents—he paid her the exactest attention and lost no method nor opportunity of inspiring her with sentiments highly to his advantage But he had ever set his heart on seeing the world and that not superficially before he should sink into a domestic character which he always conceived would be a clog to the exertions of a volatile mind like his unless he could be assured by repeated experience that his partner for life was possessed of those many and scarce attractions which would so bind his inclinations as to make him prefer bondage to liberty
The attention he paid Annette had however a different effect on that young lady Their little pleasures were it is true not more than the sports of children but there was such an unaffected ease such sweetness of temper such an engaging and so
insinuating an address in our hero without the smallest tincture of art or illiberality that without her own knowledge she imbibed the seeds of that poison which according to Emmas prediction was destined to give her many a bitter pang
Little Hockley was now improving very fast—Mr Balance had routed the two attornies I formerly spoke of who upon examination were found to have practised without the smallest qualification The painter had completed a picture of the return of the prodigal son which was placed in a conspicuous part of the church and the musician had opened a fine organ the gift of Sir Sidney under which the poet affixed a very elegant latin inscription which Emma said ought to have been in English
It had been an invariable custom to celebrate the baronets birthday by throwing open the doors of the mansion house and feasting all comers In the afternoon several sports were performed on the green and in the evening the company retired to a very large rustic assemblyroom where Sir Sidney always opened the ball and after he had seen that his tenants and neighbours had every thing they could wish for to give their pleasure free scope he
retired with their warm and unfeigned good wishes for a continuance of his health and happiness
Since Sir Sidneys marriage however this festival had been kept on his wedding day and this was called the grand feast—for there were three others to celebrate the birthday of himself that of Lady Sidney and that of Annette But these happening near each other and Sir Sidney not choosing to fill his tenants heads with too profuse an inclination for pleasure he held these festivals on the four quarter days when he never failed to lighten the hearts of those who from unavoidable necessity could not be punctual with their rent
There was something so remarkable in the conduct of the day which united the two villages that I shall take a fresh chapter to describe it flattering myself that no one will blame me for dwelling upon a subject the fittest that can be to produce benevolent ideas
CARDS of invitation containing the following words were in due time circulated at the houses of the neighbouring gentry
Sir Sidney Roebucks grand feast will be celebrated on Monday next the 21st of June at which the presence of _____ is cordially requested
Stewards
• Rt Hon Lord Hazard
• Charles Hazard Esq
• Rev Mr Friend
The company is expected to arrive on Sunday evening and not to depart till Tuesday morning
The combined assistance of all who could be useful was solicited upon this occasion The poet painter and musician produced a masque in conjunction and Charles wrote and set an ode as
well as painted the decorations for it and it was allowed—though that might be the companys partiality—to be the completest performance of the day
Lord Hazards department was to receive the company and accommodate such as could not find room at Sir Sidneys Charles had the management of the amusements and Mr Friend assisted by Mildman and Figgins undertook to preserve decency and decorum The company which arrived on the Sunday evening were served in the apartments provided for them and permitted to sup and retire at their own time
At six oclock on the Monday morning the two villages were awoke by ringing of bells a discharge of cannon and other demonstrations of joy This done several messengers were dispatched to request their attendance at a rural amphitheatre fitted up for the purpose in the front of the rookery There by eight oclock the company assembled and after a short but pathetic hymn to the deity had breakfast served up to them by children in white and fleshcolour dresses ornamented with flowers who drew the most delicious beverages from a variety of urns distributed about in niches
Coffee tea and chocolate were relieved by capilaire orgeat lemonade and sherbet while the most odoriferous perfumes mingled their artificial sweets with the roses and jessamine that shed their emanations as they interlaced the surrounding treillage Cakes comfits and liqueurs were seen in great variety and abundance and after the company had amply refreshed themselves during a performance of the most touching and melting airs each Ganemede and Hebe moved a spring and instantly played in the centre of every alcove a fountain of rose water for the use of ablution which ceremony was succeeded by a proclamation that every one was at liberty to take separate diversion till eleven oclock when they were expected on the lawn in order to go to church in procession
This procession though simple was striking It was preceded by twentyfour woolcombers each of whom carried some ornament of their profession Twelve others followed with banners on which were displayed a variety of ingenious devices—Twentyfive inhabitants of Castlewick and as many of Little Hockley succeeded one of each place linked arm in arm in token of brotherly love To these succeeded a band of music—then came the stewards with golden wands who were followed by
their assistants with silver ones Lady Roebuck Lady Hazard and Annette came next in an open carriage these were succeeded by a large number of other carriages and these again by about two thousand spectators
Being orderly seated at church the service was performed and an excellent sermon preached by Mr Mildman from the text
There is more joy in heaven over one sinner that repenteth than over ninety and nine just persons who need no repentance
The service over they returned in the same order—with this difference—twelve morrice dancers met them on their way and conducted them in a mazy round to the lawn where all dispersed and after promiscuous ambulations about the garden retired to dress for dinner which at three oclock smoaked in the grand saloon for the company within doors and on the lawn for all who chose to partake of it
In the saloon Lady Roebuck held her state and Sir Sidney played the humble host Annette on one side sat with all the blooming freshness of a new blown rose and on the other poor Lady Hazard pallid as a drooping lily On the table
was elegantly distributed a most sumptuous feast admirably contrasted and delicately served up Nor did their pleasure receive a small addition from the hearty vacant mirth that assailed them from the lawn—which the saloon overlooked—where sat as many happy guests as could surround an ox two bucks and four sheep all roasted whole at which Emma sat in imitation of Lady Roebuck and the butler—who was the very servant so faithful to Sir Sidney in France—attended like his master to supply the wants of the company
Many loyal toasts were proclaimed by a discharge of cannon and pledged by the company without At length the lawn was cleared coffee introduced into the saloon and in a short time after notice given that the ode written by our hero was going to be performed in the rustic amphitheatre where the company had breakfasted
The saloon was now prepared for the masque to which the company were desired to repair in fancy dresses but without vizors Previous however to the performance as soon as it became sufficiently dark they were led by the morrice dancers through a serpentine walk to the canal where on the opposite bank was discharged a most superb firework in which the painter had exerted himself in ornamental
transparencies and the poet in apt devices
The masque over it is impossible to express the universal astonishment when upon returning to the lawn they found it converted into beautiful alcoves tents booths and other receptacles for different parties where boys and girls in the most picturesque fancy dresses ran before them ready to anticipate their very wishes Nothing could exceed the beauty proportion and disposition of this city of the pleasures reared as it were by enchantment Those who were not disposed however to resort to it for refreshment were attended and served in a manner equally desirable in a suite of rooms in the house and as to Emmas company in addition to a review of all these pleasures at a becoming distance they had their own rural assembly room for their supper and ball where I am well informed not one within some hours guessed what it was oclock till the sun sent forth those streaks of crimson which put an end to their harmless merriment on the Tuesday morning
Nor did their superiors separate one whit sooner and not then without regretting that their pleasures were at an end and declaring that they never witnessed such taste nor experienced such hospitality
It may not be improper to notice some of the principal remarks made on this occasion
Annette remarked that Charles looked spoke and did every thing divinely He remarked that she was a lovely little creature and all the company remarked that they seemed born for each other—Emma remarked she had made a conquest of the poet the musician and the butler and well knowing the fidelity of this last to his master and affection to his young mistress declared as she undressed Annette that she should have no objection at a proper season to be the author of his happiness
The poet remarked Emma was a smart wench and should be his for he was the man in the world for her purpose The musician agreed to the first remark but thought they neither of them stood any chance and the painter overhearing them swore she was a caricature of mother Shipton and they were damned fools for talking such nonsense
Lord Hazard remarked that he had now but one wish in the world and Sir Sidney remarked—but not to my lord that this was the first time their grand feast had been graced with the presence of Lady Hazard and he greatly feared it would be the last Indeed that amiable and charming lady
lest she should diminish the general hilarity exerted herself on that day beyond her strength and though probably the utmost human care—for she had every assistance that money or influence could procure—could not have wholly restored her yet certainly her now rapid decline was accelerated by the various shocks though of temporary pleasure which she received in assisting to promote the happiness of her friends
As this is the only entire summer the reader and I are to pass in Warwickshire I shall explain pretty fully how the time jogged on So far it is pretty evident every mans leisure had been taken up to prepare for the festival which some may think I have a little too particularly described It has however brought about something according to my usual custom for it made Lady Hazard worse which but for the sake of moral truth I sincerely wish had not happened it lost Emmas heart and it did two or three other things which will be divulged in proper time
This grand affair being over the spare time was filled up with lighter and less regular pleasures among which Charles in particular found the contrary dispositions of Sir Sidneys scientific triumvirate excellent food for his frolicksome temper which though it had not the smallest tincture of
mischief in it loved to indulge itself with exposing absurdity To this Master Figgins egged him on with all his persuasion with no view however as he said but to oblige the young gentleman nor to say the truth did Sir Sidney want a relish for such fun when every thing was kept within proper decorum
It did not signify what the joke was their argument upon it produced all the amusement Charles very often set the poet down to a literary contention with Emma who being skilled in authorities generally conquered him for really dates and facts are very good materials for criticism and method will very often be too hard for genius Upon these occasions the poet was thrust further into a corner by the satiric painter and consoled by the accommodating musician One afternoon however she gained so complete a triumph that he was obliged for a long time to own himself conquered
The reader remembers that Emma had a very great predelection for Dr JOHNSON and Charles entreated the poet to attack the lexicographer This he did not fail to do but kept for a long time to general accusations Emma desired he would give her some opportunity of answering him
Any
man said she may be made to look contemptible ARISTOPHANES contrived this of SOCRATES who because he was a man of inoffensive manners and therefore naturally decried the licentious writings and conduct of the comic poets provoked the fury of this satirist—but even though this is true and though Madame DACIER was so charmed with this author that she translated—and not content with that read two hundred times and every time with fresh pleasure the very piece that was written to render this great philosopher ridiculous—yet it proved nothing because general assertion is a blunt arrow that falls without inflicting a wound
Well what do you say to this cried Figgins who stood by
Say cried the poet If she wants proofs of what I have asserted she shall have them I am the man for adducing proofs And first of all has he not written a severe satire on himself when he says of SWIFT that on all common occasions he habitually affects a style of arrogance and dictates rather than persuades In another place he predominated over his companions with a very high ascendency and probably would bear none over whom he could not so predominate Now does not Mrs THRALE after a confession that she had surfeited herself with an
abject and indefatigable attention to him for a number of years such as no man who did not in a most insolent degree predominate over his companions could exact does she not declare she could no longer bear him and that she went to Bath because she knew he would not follow her Is not Mr BOSWELL every moment frightened to death lest there should be a total breach between them Does not the Doctor meditate an entire separation only because Mr BOSWELL had the imprudence to leave him for a few minutes with truly the shameful intention of contributing to his ease and convenience What do you say to all this Does not this convince you that my assertions are truth
No no sir answered Emma we were to talk of a poet you are speaking of a man
A good evasion said Ego and in the Doctors own way I am the man for seeing what people are about—but come you shall have him as a poet And pray does he not wish to destroy the very being of poetry by insisting on annihilating mythology Does he not find it very reprehensible in Mr GAY to introduce Cloacina and the nightman in his Trivia and does he not abuse poor PRIOR most unmercifully for fabling that
Chloe was mistaken one day by Cupid for Venus and another for Diana In short mythology is with him puerility He says of Collins that he loved faries genii giants and monsters and that while he pursued these objects he did not sufficiently cultivate sentiment when all the world knows that there is an end of poetry if sentiment is no longer to be conveyed through so rich and beautiful a vehicle What do you say to this abuse of the gods and goddesses Is not it shameful
No sir said Emma not at all for a man may abuse such imaginary beings without injuring any bodys moral feelings
Another evasion cried the poet I will be judged by any body But I will go a plainer way to work Here is a criticism of his that is stark nonsense In speaking of Mr GRAYs lines on the death of a cat that was drowned as she attempted to catch a gold fish the last line says that all that glitters is not gold nor if it were says the doctor would the cat have been the better for it for a cat does not know the value of gold Now I say she does in the sense it is here meant which is nothing more than that we are not to trust to appearances and a cat knows that as far as her
understanding goes as well as a man Can you controvert this Mrs Emma No no I am the man for close reasoning All that glitters is not gold sure enough What do you say to my argument
That it is not sterling sir said Emma
Your learned principal would have given the same vague answer said the poet
Come come why does he take no more notice of COLLINSs ode than if no such poem had ever been written Can you answer me that
Easily sir said Emma it was written for music which he did not understand
It is a pity then said the poet that he did not understand it for he cannot shew such harmony in his own poetry which is the heaviest—
Sir said Emma he was profound
Verbose said the poet
He compiled a dictionary of the English language
answered Emma
Zounds cried the poet you would make a man mad I am a man that is never in a passion but damme madam—
Here every body interfered and it was universally allowed that Emma had gained a complete victory
Yes said Emma still imitating Dr JOHNSON my triumph is complete for if Mr Ego has nothing to say for himself the logical conclusion is, that all he can say of himself must be against himself for these are the three distinctions of egotism
This witty warfare stuck hard with the poet for a good while he got off however as well as he could for when the painter with his usual acrimony told him that he ought to hide his head for ever after being conquered by a woman and the musician in his old accommodating manner said he plainly saw Mr Ego had yielded the palm from the abundance of his natural complaisance Ego cried out you are right my dear friend Toogood I am the man that knows how to behave polite to a lady
NOTWITHSTANDING this repulse which the poet sustained from Emma he had really a penchant for her and as she loved reading he flattered himself he should succeed by acknowledging her victory over him in the dispute already mentioned and submitting tacitly to her opinion in all literary matters
This amorous intercourse at least that which appeared so to the musician began to make him a little uneasy for he flattered himself with pretty near the same hopes as the poet Seeing this Charles and his associates hit upon a plan which they thought would afford them some amusement
Charles very archly intimated to Toogood that Emma in her own mind gave him the preference but added he you will lose her owing to your absurd diffidence In short after proper preparatio•… he proposed to him a scheme which he said would
evince his love for Emma even without wounding his modesty by declaring it would bring out her real sentiments towards him and would finally frighten Ego into a relinquishment of his pretensions to her
The kind Mr Toogood agreed to the proposal with but little hesitation It was this the associates were to report that the musician had hanged himself for love and to give it a colour while he hid himself in a garret—where by the way they almost starved him under a pretence that nobody could come to him for fear of a discovery—his fiannel powdering gown was put upon a stuffed figure and hung as it were artfully by the neck to a staple in his bed chamber and this was shewn to the poet in the dusk of the evening in a way so well managed that he really took it for the musician
The poet willingly enough ran as he was desired for help and in the interim the powdering gown was shifted from the figure to Toogood himself whose face had previously been smeared by the painter with a composition of a cadaverous hue therefore when he returned and found Toogood stretched upon the bed he had not the smallest doubt but that he had made his final exit Presently afterwards Emma came into the room and
being properly instructed for the purpose began to lament her hard fate and to utter so many tender things in favour of the musician—calling him her Orpheus her Amphion—In short she flew into such apparent rapture that Charles and Figgins feared the crotchetmonger would have jumped up and appeased her upon the spot She said this country was now deprived of a second PURCEL but where could they find another DRYDEN to record his praise
Ego answered briskly that DRYDEN to be sure was a very pretty poet but there was one yet in the world he flattered himself as capable of singing the virtues of a deceased friend as most people
Emma took him at his word saying she feared she should never be able to bring herself to love him—though she would try what she could do—yet her friendship he might always command if he would as a last tribute to his friends memory write his epitaph
This settled the company dispersed Charles lifted up his hands Figgins blessed himself the poet in profound meditation Musquito swearing it served the fool right and Emma quite in a tragedy rant The poet desired he might have a slight supper
in his apartment and pen ink and paper—The musician who had acted his part very well was locked up and every body retired
Ego was heard for some time to walk about his room in great agitation and afterwards to draw his chair and sit down very still to work In short he had finished the task just at that moment
When church yards yawn
And hell itself breaths forth contagion to the world
Being charmed with his production he began to read it aloud and afterwards was heard to exclaim
I never was so successful in my life Once more—
and then reading—
Here Toogood lies by desprate passion drove
Who great musician hanged himself for love
He scarcely had uttered these words when open flew the door and the musician appeared in his powdering gown with a halter round his neck exclaiming in a hollow voice
And so I did perfidious poet
The bard like Pierrot—though the musician looked that character more than he did—now began to stare to tremble and without quiting either the paper or the candle blundered to the further side of the bed where the ghost with a most
ghastly grin glided after him Seeing himself followed he sprang across the bed at the expence of his shins and out of the door the ghost hard at his heels when hurrying down the stairs—which were strewed with peas unknown to either of them they rolled over each other till they lighted on a feather bed purposely laid at the landing place where all the company in the house burst in at once and found them cuffing one another almost as unmercifully as Mr POPE makes the two eagles in HOMER
The musician began now to perceive that he had been duped as well as the poet Sir Sidney said he was sorry to find the musician had played upon so ridiculous a chord to which Charles answered his performance was perfectly in the amoroso style—Emma said that to be sure he had given a dying proof of his love but not knowing that he would recover she out of despair had chosen another—The painter said it was not the first time Mr Toogood had made himself ridiculous The poor musician getting up laughed the matter off as well as he could He said his known character was to accommodate himself as much as possible to the pleasure of the company and as to the poet he said he suspected it was a trick from the beginning for he was the man at discoveries He swore he would
have acted a dead man ten times better and as for a ghost
Damme said he if I had personated a ghost I would have scared you all out of your wits
After a hearty laugh Emma finished the business by a few serious words saying that they had both hung themselves up as marks of ingratitude in return for Sir Sidneys hospitality yet if the ghost of remorse did but haunt them a little for entertaining a wish to injure a poor girl who had nothing to depend upon but her character she should for her own part think them sufficiently punished
A truce was struck and good humour restored or rather prolonged for none of the parties entertained the least rancour on the contrary the musician was the first to confess he had been justly reproved for his error and Ego said he was an admirer of poetical justice which he flattered himself he had exemplified pretty strongly in his writings
About this time a matter happened which had very nearly undone some of Sir Sidneys pious work at Little Hockley One John Swash a miller who was at the head of a large family and one of the first who repented of his former idle tricks had been set up by Sir Sidney and had lived for some
time in comfort and credit This man at the instigation of some litigious persons who envied his present good fortune had been taken up for sheepstealing a crime which he certainly had committed some years before He was to be tried at Warwick at the summer assizes and Sir Sidney greatly feared the fact would be fully proved in which case it would be difficult to save the man
But this was not the worst for a number of the Hockleyites having been guilty of crimes equally enormous might on his conviction emigrate from the village where they began to live peaceable and decent lives and thus he should lose the fruits of that benevolent harvest which he had been so long and so carefully bringing to perfection
There was but one man who could swear to his identity except indeed a companion who having been formerly discharged by a magistrate on account of this fact now appeared as kings evidence to curry favour with the farmer whose sheep had been lost as well as to screen himself from future prosecutions
This man who as I said could swear to him was a taylor and lived at this time in pretty good credit at Wellingborough but had formerly worked
as journeyman at a small town not far from Little Hockley and when business was not very stiring there was glad enough to job about at other places and return to his wife and family with the earnings
He had been three days getting ready some mourning for a family in the neighbourhood when being upon the point of returning on a very dark night he was reminded by some officious friend that he must go seven miles about for that over the common which was but little more than three he would certainly meet with the ghost
It must be understood that on this common was erected a gibbet where were hung in chains two smugglers who had murdered an exciseman and under this gibbet every evening were seen—for a great number of the inhabitants within some distance round were ready to swear it—two men in white marching with much deliberation and carrying a coffin
The taylor had frequently heard all this but as it rained a little and the way over the common lay so much nearer than the other he could not think or going round—besides he was perfectly at this
time pot valiant and one more glass put the finishing stroke to his resolution
Away went the taylor with his wages in his pocket and his goose suspended on a stick which he held over his shoulder When he came near the gibbet sure enough he saw two men carrying a coffin His sensations may be easily guessed at He was seized with so strong a fit of horror that his teeth chattered his legs shook he trembled from head to foot and sweat at every pore He made an effort to run away but his limbs refused their office At length as the spectre approached with one frantic struggle between fear and desperation his wellpoised goose flew from the staff that supported it like lightning and hitting the head of the ghost that was nearest to him brought him to the ground—when lo open flew the coffin and out jumped two sheep
The other spirit unconscious that he had only oneninth of an adversary to encounter took to his heels and soon disappeared The first however stunned by the blow he had received could not so easily get out of the taylors clutches who being convinced of the fact by the information of the two sheep pursued his victory and actually tied the
culprits hands with a large piece of list in order to carry him before a magistrate
The sheepstealer pleaded very hard for his liberty as soon as he came to himself when the taylor knowing his voice presently recognized him for the very same John Swash who now at the distance of almost three years was confined in Warwick jail for this individual offence
The general opinion was that the taylor had compassionated the situation of John for a valuable consideration which was in the nature of a fine to be paid by installments but had not been regularly discharged Finding however that the offender began to be pretty well off in the world the subject was revived and the matter carried by the farmer at the instigation of the taylor to the length we have seen
These were the circumstances which made Sir Sidney uneasy He plainly saw that Swash was picked out not with a view to offer a public sacrifice at the shrine of offended justice but merely to be used as an instrument by way of experiment to see how much money could upon similar occasions be extorted in future—for knowing the baronet to
be very warm in whatever he espoused the two pettisoggers who were driven from Little Hockley and a few others who accompanied them counted upon a comfortable subsistence which they had no doubt they could procure by raising contributions in like manner upon the generosity of Sir Sidney
The difficulty seemed to be how to suppress the evidence of the taylor without Sir Sidneys apparent concurrence for it was not enough that he should not seem to take any active part in the business but it was necessary to regard it as a matter of perfect indifference to him
On this account it was necessary to be very wary in their measures Charles and Figgins however undertook after a very little reflection to remove all difficulties
The plan was explained and greatly approved and now came the time to put it in execution
A house was taken about three miles from Warwick whither Charles Figgins and the body of arts repaired which last were informed that the
removal was only temporary to take views and attend the assemblies at the assizes
About a month before the assizes Charles and Figgins rode to Wellingborough The latter having previously rolled his coat in the road and splashed his horse on one side they went to the first inn they saw where they enquired if there was a clever taylor in town who could make a coat at a short warning The landlord recommended one but not the man they wanted but rather than make objections they determined to see him and when he came found fault with every thing he produced which indeed they were determined to do with fifty till they should see the object of their present business At length he came and there never was such a taylor They were struck with his taste his manner his price—In short the poor devil was in raptures though a man must have been very ingenious to find language for this lavish praise in favour of a card of buttons and some snips of cloth So it was however that the taylor never found out half so much merit in himself as at that moment He made his men sit up all night and a very awkward coat was produced in the morning for Figgins which nevertheless was the pink of taste and the extreme of the new fashion and Charles pretended to be so much in love with it that he ordered
a frock for himself with the addition of a new Birmingham button with which he declared himself enchanted This frock however he could not stay for It was therefore ordered to be sent to the house of the Rev Mr Figgins near Warwick where it would be paid for on delivery
The taylor said he should be at Warwick at the assizes for he was subpoened there upon a trial and he would then if the gentleman pleased take the liberty of calling to see if he was satisfied with his coat
Figgins said he should be very glad to see him for that he knew no character so respectable as a tradesman This was said as they took horse and the taylor making a very low bow retired The circumstance was however so singular that the landlord as well as the taylors wife set down Charles and Figgins for two cheats and cautioned the taylor not to be taken in
The taylor had himself some suspicions akin to theirs though the flattery that had been lavished on him almost overcame his wariness However to make all sure as he had some business at Warwick—indeed no other than to con his lesson as to his evidence
against Swash—he took that opportunity of carrying home the coat himself
Being arrived at Mr Figginss he was very kindly welcomed detained all night paid his bill and informed that more clothes would be sent for to be got ready against the assize ball to which our hero added
I wish we could prevail on you sir to settle here for there is not one of your profession within twenty miles who knows even how to set on a button with taste
The taylor acceeded to the fact took a comfortable portion of merit to himself and went home in high spirits
Swash was to be tried on the last day of the assizes on the motion of the counsel and three days previous to the trial an order was sent to the taylor from our hero for some clothes for the assize ball The taylor could not refuse to execute the order but nevertheless very anxious to be in time for the trial was determined he would be at Warwick the night before
A servant being dispatched to suggest alterations and delays till he should be detained very late that evening he at length arrived clothes and all at
Mr Figginss about half an hour past eleven oclock most exceedingly fatigued
Figgins took him very cordially by the hand and led him into a parlour where at near one—the clocks being put back almost an hour—supper appeared The taylor protesting he never was so disposed to make a good meal in his life fell to very heartily Thus the time passed on till within a quarter of an hour of day light though by the clocks—being once more put back—the taylor did not believe it so late by two hours At length he was led to bed completely drunk Having slept till two oclock in the afternoon—which will not appear extraordinary if we consider his drunkenness and fatigue—he awoke without recollecting for some moments where he was When he felt however a fine soft stately bed he began to have some faint idea how he came there but as every thing appeared as dark as pitch he concluded it was in the middle of the night and turned to go to sleep again this after tumbling and tossing for half an hour he effected and taking another pretty good nap waked about half an hour past six
Feeling a violent headach and finding himself intolerably hungry he could not help thinking the night remarkably long He got out of the bed and
groped about for the windows and having drawn one of the curtains opened the shutters but it was all the same He could not throw up the sash indeed owing as he supposed to a mode of fastening it which he did not understand He was yet convinced however that it was not near day light and therefore determined to go to bed again
In groping out his way he caught hold of the tossel of a bell whieh immediately tingled very forcibly This frightened him out of his wits—How could he apologize in a gentlemans house for making such a disturbance After he had been in bed about a quarter of an hour in anxious hope that nobody had heard the bell a servant came into his room with a candle yawning stretching and rubbing his eyes who asked him what he would be pleased to have
The taylor begged his pardon a hundred times for disturbing him though it was nearly seven in the evening and asked what oclock it was and how long it would be till day light
Oclock sir said the servant why we hant a been in bed above a quarter of an hour I believe there will be a good three hours yet before the cock crows
Three hours cried the taylor why I never passed such a night in my life Three hours—why I seem as if I had lain twenty and then I am so cursed hungry
Ay that is your long journey sir said John
I dont know what the devil it is said the taylor but could not you my dear Mr John get me a bit of something for the tooth
Lord love you no such thing said John you must een stay till morning
Morning cried the taylor why I shall be famished in three hours I never had such a craving in my life
Well well said John then I will see what I can do but I must get the keys of old Mother Search the housekeeper and she is a devil of a crusty toad I can tell you
The taylor implored him to see what he could do and John said he would return directly He did not however make his appearance for another half hour when he brought word that there was nothing to be had
This news the taylor was obliged to swallow instead of the repast he had expected and wishing John a good night endeavoured once more to get to sleep This however was impossible he kicked about turned twisted got up lay down and between whiles fell into a kind of dose till night
actually came His patience was now entirely exhausted and for the first time he suspected that some trick had been played him The whole conduct of this family had been so extraordinary that he began now to reflect on his neighbours suspicions but then how could that apply to him—he had nothing to be robbed of They might murder him however but what harm had he done to any body Perhaps it was all a drunken frolic—perhaps it was daylight all this time Whatever it was he might be sure no servant would set him right he was therefore determined to sally forth and know the truth of every thing
So resolved he immediately put on his clothes and groping out the door met with no impediment all the way to the garden where by feeling about he soon found himself Here he gave that credit to the stars which he denied to John and being now convinced his brain was affected he thought he could not do better than return without giving any further disturbance to the family This however was not so easily practicable as he imagined The door had shut after him in such a manner that he found it out of his power to open it
His situation was now truly deplorable He durst not knock for fear of making more disturbance in
the house In the mean time he was devoured with hunger and being in a strange place in the night his fancy transformed every bush not into an officer but a ghost
These apprehensions were not a little heightened by a variety of noises which now assailed his ears Clanking of chains groans and howls fixed him petrified to the spot while strange lights which came and disappeared added not a little to the horrid workings of his teeming fancy At length something tapped him upon the shoulder when turning round in an agony of fear he saw as plain as ever he did any thing in his life John Swash staring him in the face What at this moment were the poor taylors sensations He squeaked kicked plunged without being able to take his eyes from this dreadful object till presently his sight failed him his muscles were all relaxed and he measured his length on the ground
A few tweaks by the nose and some cold water brought him a little to himself when he found John and another servant lifting him up This circumstance did not a little facilitate his recovery The moment he got the use of his speech he cried out
For the love of God dear christian gentlemen speak to me Oh Lord is he gone Did you
see him Oh dear dear dear dear—there he comes again Hold me fast—dont let him fly away with me
John and his fellow servant had some difficulty to comply with his request he struggled so hard for fear gave him the strength of a giant
The spectre approaching the taylors fear or rather horror was beyond description
There cried he Dont you see it
See what said John I see nothing but the trees and the stars do you Thomas
Not I said Thomas
Come come sir doo ey goo to bed—yow han not a slept to night When the woine a be got out of your head yowl be in your right wits like a sober parson
The ghost now began to speak
Hush hush cried the taylor
Oh Lord have mercy upon me save and deliver me It speaks Oh John Swash John Swash how have I offended thee
Oh miserable taylor listen to me said the ghost
I will John indeed said the poor terrorstruck wretch
and now the ghost went on
For the lucre of gain thou didst try to hang me
though well thou knowest I never did thee harm but I have escaped thy malice for rather than bring disgrace upon my poor wife and family I made away with myself Now if thou wishest to sleep peaceably in thy bed make a full confession of thy wickedness to Sir Sidney Roebuck and through him restore to my unhappy family that money which thou hast at different times frightened me out of Remember and let not my angry spirit visit thee a second time
So saying the ghost disappeared
Lord have mercy save deliver and forgive my sins said the taylor
What dye toak about said Thomas
Pardon a poor wretched miserable sinner exclaimed the taylor
Come come said John it will be time enough to say your prayers when you are up in your room
How can you be so blasphemous said the taylor did not you hear what he said
Who Who cried John
Why the mans out of his wits—
Who exclaimed Snip why poor John Swash I have killed I have murdered him and his blood will be on my hands
Odds wounds cried Thomas these be odd sort of speeches I do not wonder yow be troubled in mind if yow a done such wicked things as these—but coom yow be only a sleep and a dreaming
In short the trembling taylor was at last conveyed to his room where he lay sweating and shivering and almost suffocated under the clothes till daylight
He now got up and saying his prayers longer and louder than ever he had done in his life he began though still in bodily fear to consider how he should prevent a second visit from the ghost As however the family was not yet stirring and he thought he had made pretty sufficient disturbance in it already he returned once more to bed where having undergone so much mental and corporeal fatigue he fell into a sound sleep which probably saved him from a severe fit of sickness
The reader has seen that the windows had been purposely blocked up on the first night on the out side to cheat the taylor through the whole of that day into a belief that it was not yet light by which means the trial of Swash came on and he was acquitted for want of evidence for as to the confederate Figgins had seen and so completely intimidated him with threatening to lay a detainer against him on another score that he purposely prevaricated on the trial and the whole business was dismissed as frivolous and vexatious The noise which the taylor heard when he was in the garden and which
his fears had so greatly magnified was nothing more than the taking down the blinds which as I have said on the outside were affixed to the windows—But the ghost was no other than the individual John Swash who had been released in the afternoon and properly tutored for the purpose
The taylor at the proper time was summoned to breakfast in the parlour where he was kindly received by Mr Figgins and Charles as well as the poet and the musician—the painter being gone to take a walk They informed him they were extremely sorry to hear he had been so ill in the night and the poet pretending to know something of physic felt his pulse which having done very gravely he declared that the gentleman was not so ill in body as that he was troubled with thickcoming fancies that disturbed his rest
Thats very true sir said the taylor you have found out my disorder at once
Well but cant you cure him of that said Figgins
No answered the poet gravely in that case the patient must administer unto himself
Thank you sir said the taylor it is very true—he must indeed—and so I will if it shall please God before I am many hours older
You see you see said the poet I know all the symptoms of this disorder You are very hungry sir are you not
Yes sir said the taylor I dare say I could eat a shoulder of mutton and look round me
A bad symptom sir said the poet
Pooh pooh cried Charles I will never believe that a hungry sick man is in much danger Come John let us have the breakfast the gentleman will be too late for the trial
Then addressing himself to the taylor
When do you expect it to come on sir I hope you will convict the rascal for really times are come to such a pass that an honest man cannot keep his property in safety
The taylors countenance underwent several alterations and he faultered out
why sir I dont think it will come on at all
Here John came in with a smoaking plate of toast
Zounds let us fall to
said Charles
Come sir help yourself
The taylor began to put a piece to his mouth when in came the painter
Your servant said Figgins where have you been this morning—
Faith said Musquito I have been to see a very unpleasant spectacle I assure you A poor fellow one Swash who was to have been tried this morning
for sheepstealing poisoned himself last night in his cell and through the interest of Sir Sidney Roebuck the coroners verdict was returned lunacy and they are now carrying the body to his wife and children
Here the tea and toast dropt out of the taylors hand and he entreated for the love of God that he might be conducted to that very Sir Sidney Roebuck for he could not eat nor sleep before he disburthened his conscience of something that lay very heavy on it
Every one affected extraordinary surprise at this declaration after which Mr Figgins said
Sir I am a clergyman and if I can do you any service by hearing your confession and giving you salutary advice I will do it with pleasure
To which the terrified taylor—looking about him—said
No sir that wont do I am afraid he will appear again if I tell it to any body but Sir Sidney—
Appear said Charles Who Who will appear
The ghost sir the ghost said the taylor John Swashs ghost
A gentleman now desired to speak with Mr Figgins who being ushered in proved to be Sir Sidney
The moment the taylor saw him he fell upon his knees and cried out
Oh dear sir forgive me—
Forgive you said Sir Sidney why who are you
Sir said he I am the taylor the wicked taylor that tried to hang John Swash
The baronet was then informed of all the ghost enjoined Snip and at length on his earnest entreaty went apart with him to make an ample confession This indeed amounted to nothing criminal in the taylor except the extortion of the money but it laid up such a body of evidence against the emigrants from Little Hockley as the baronet had no doubt would put a stop to their nefarious attempts for the future
The taylors confession being signed and sworn to he was permitted to eat a voracious breakfast with John for nothing after this could prevail on him to come into the parlour
A large cavalcade now appeared in the road which poor Snip as well as every body else knew to be the judges who were leaving Warwick to open the assizes at Worcester
The taylor though no great conjuror saw plainly he had been tricked He now neither wondered
at his restlessness nor his hunger and lest he should any longer remain in doubt John Swash himself—who softly entered the kitchen—tapped him upon the shoulder once more saying
Master Cabbage you have twice taken me for a ghost beware of the third time
The taylor received a very wholesome admonition from Sir Sidney who explained to him in very pathetic terms the cruelty and wanton maliciousness of disturbing the quiet of a man and his family who he said were objects of great compassion as well as praise for there were very few instances of those who had so given themselves up to bad example as to have been guilty of every wickedness and depravity and afterwards desirous of returning from their vicious courses He said there was no encouragement to which such objects were not entitled How reprehensible then was it in those who waited for the moment when such should return to virtue and in consequence of their honest industry become in tolerable circumstances to seek for opportunities to distress and harrass them and so prevent the happy effects of their laudable and honest endeavours
As for the taylor he told him he was well convinced he had been set on by others and as he had
now made a candid and fair confession relative to all those dark conspiracies which he plainly saw were levelled against these poor repentant sinners if he would go on a little further and join with him in detecting this knot of villains he might rely upon his favour and he would enjoy a much higher satisfaction—that of discharging his duty as an honest man
The taylor was suffered to depart after faithfully promising all that had been enjoined him and Sir Sidney was for the first time let into the whole of the mystery by which the taylor had been prevented from appearing at the trial for it must be understood that Sir Sidney knew the taylor was to be kept away but he did not know in what manner
THE housekeeping of Mr Figgins near Warwick being now broken up Charles and his friend returned to Hazard house and Musquito Ego and Toogood to Roebuck hall
Charles had noticed that Musquito in consequence of his satiric vein had conceived himself a kind of superior to his two companions for whenever it came up in conversation that they had been ridiculed in the business of the ghost he took care sagaciously to hint that no one dared play him such a trick
Our hero was therefore determined to leave him no room for exultation especially as by the mode through which he intended to shew him off as well as the rest he should do even a more meritorious act than he had done in saving Emma from the persecutions of the poet and the musician This method of studying mischief only by way of inflicting
merited punishment was a species of amusement in which it has been seen our hero delighted It certainly was highly praiseworthy in one sense for it turned every thing off with a laugh only against the offender whereas had it been shaped into a complaint and preferred against him to Sir Sidney it might have endangered the hopes which he built on his patronage
John Swash had a daughter who must have had an uncommon mind for her situation in life for from her earliest infancy she was remarked to have had a detestation to that vice which surrounded her She profitted by avoiding bad examples as much as others by imitating good ones In short—which is the strongest proof that can be given of the excellence of her heart and the incorruptibility of her honour she at eighteen was as spotless a character at Little Hockley as the most innocent inhabitant of her age and sex could be at Castlewick
The painter had long laid siege to this young creature who had all that beauty which regular features rosy health and a perfect symmetry of form can give He drew her likeness and took care it should be a flattering one He took a sketch of the mill and made it a present to Swash whose professional pride was thus tickled He painted a
favourite tortoiseshell cat for the mother and in a variety of other instances made his talents subservient to his wishes but in particular he vaunted that he had been the principal instrument in detaining the taylor from appearing at the trial
I know not if the girls gratitude on the side of her duty pleaded in his favour or whether nature began to whisper to her that good as she was love—as somebody has expressed it—is the sovereign end of our being but certainly she began to listen to the painters conversation with pleasure and as she had never in her life been controlled scrupled not to walk with him in an evening She soon however repented of her complaisance and was almost fatally convinced on what terms these opportunities were requested She resented his insolence which was manuel as well as verbal and without ceremony informed her mother of all that had passed who good woman I am sorry to say it did not make such forcible objections to it as the daughter did To say the truth she had a large family and looked upon her daughters as much in the light of traffic as her barley meal In short won by a handsome sum a promise of painting her picture in the attitude of milking a favourite cow and a half anker of genuine nantz—with shame I write it—after but little hesitation she agreed to
this method of providing for her girl as she called it
This good woman in her youth had been tolerably handsome herself Master Flush had been heard to intimate that he fancied the governor—meaning Standfast—had taken care to provide a birth in heaven for Master Swash in the month of April but I am afraid nobody had so strong a claim to that favour as Lord Hazard
Charles had eyed this girl with pleasure but would not for the universe have given way to the shadow of an impulse to her dishonour And here it may not be amiss to beg the reader will stop with me and admire how greatly to our own advantage we take resolutions which are in favour of virtue for it is within possibility that had our hero given way to an inclination natural enough for a youth of warm blood to entertain and I hope full as natural if there were any thing like honour in his disposition to conquer—hear it ye seducers of virtue Ye merciless triumphant despoilers of innocence who are cruel because you have power—insolent because victorious—hear it and reflect with horror on the miseries that to often result from your vices—he might have contaminated a sister
From so deplorable a crime however unintentional did Charles by his perseverance in his honourable resolutions very probably escape for he by his frequent chat with this girl had taught her bosom to glow with tenderness but having put the curb as we have seen upon his wishes and ceased to be particular from the moment he was apprehensive of danger—during which interval the painter stept in—she found some pleasure which the reader may be assured is not unnatural in listening to language of the same kind from another even though it was not so eloquently worded or so gracefully delivered
As Charles withdrew his attention from this girl upon a ground for which she loved him still more—for he made no scruple of confessing the truth—the poor girl having been repulsed by her mother as we have seen or rather encouraged to make her fortune according to the old gentlewoman by that which according to any body else would have been her ruin was walking solitary and unhappy by the side of her fathers millstream when Figgins and our hero passed by Charles saw the pearly tear standing on her cheek and very good naturedly enquired the cause After a little reluctance she informed him and concluded her artlessly pathetic
story with saying
Indeed it is a sad thing when a poor girls mother bids her to be wicked but I wont be wicked if I am ever so undutiful I wont
Both Charles and Figgins commended her laudable resolution and now occurred an admirable opportunity of punishing the painter in his own way He immediately told the girl of his intention to forward which she was desired to acquaint her mother that she would be a good girl and behave civil to the gentleman and when he came she should make him an appointment in the dusk of the evening in the bed chamber that he would let her father privately into the secret who should in concert with them so revenge himself upon her audacious lover as to leave him very little relish for such amusement in future
The girl was charmed to find her cause taken up so warmly by our hero for she knew let what would happen the painter must not dare to complain
The assignation was made and Swash apprized of the whole business The painter as may naturally be supposed attended punctually and the husband being as it was imagined safe at the ale house the
amorous Appelles was conducted to the young ladys bed chamber by her accommodating mamma and desired to go to bed where he should be made as happy as he could wish
He had not lain long in this situation before he heard a foot upon the stairs when immediately his heart beat high his fancy anticipated the expected pleasure and all his senses were in an alarm but however all these were nothing to the alarm that presently followed In rushed—at least his fears made him believe so—half a dozen myrmidons pop half a dozen times went half a dozen pistols the first of which was a sufficient intimation that the salute had very little of love in it Indeed he wondered how it came that he was not a dead man for his fears had wounded him in twenty places
The very first of these hints he took and darting out of the foot of the bed he presently cleared the landing place and gained the bottom of the stairs by which time he received a few more compliments of the same kind These however though they were unnecessary to refresh his memory hastened his departure which he took without paying the smallest compliment to any of the family but rushing out at the street door made his way across a paddock which led to the road his pursuers still
popping at such a rate that he verily believed he was flying from a whole platoon
Being come to a bank he collected his whole might to jump over the hedge into the road but the distance being greater than he imagined he plunged with all his force naked as he was into a bramble bush which clinging in a hundred places to his shirt and in as many to his flesh pinned him down so firmly that he was obliged to make several excruciating efforts to free himself He did so however at last but finding himself surrounded with enemies who were still popping at him he doubled as artfully as any Jack hare and was followed as closely with this difference that the game opened instead of the pack for he yelped howled swore ejaculated cursed and prayed in such a strange collection of hysterical tones that the musician who was then present had as much reason to be enraged as Hogarths for all the complicated din there described seemed to be centured in one person
This discordance however did not last long for trying to cross the mill stream by a bridge which to be sure had been laid down an hour before but was now drawn up poor Musquito came souse over head and ears into the water which being in that part pretty deep would have cooled him for intriguing
and every thing else in this world had not a large fishing net been previously placed to receive him
The net was immediately drawn up which with all the haste they could make however was not effected before the poor painter had totally lost his senses
He was now put into a shell and the church being near carried to the bone house where being held up by the heels a quantity of water ran out of his mouth and he presently exhibited signs of life The moment this event took place they hurried off with the lanthorn—the only light they had—and the sexton who being a friend to the miller connived at the trick immediately returned with his mattock and shovel on his shoulder
There said he as if to himself that jobs done
Oh d d d d dear cried the painter
It is odd there should be nobody to own the man cried the sexton putting down his things
B b b oh—ah—oh— cried the painter
I have made him a good grave however cried the sexton and as soon as the coroners quest has sat upon him—
The painter now mustered strength enough to sit up and cried
Oh d d d d dear—f f f f friend—
Lord whats that said the sexton
Oh f f f f for the love of God help me cried Musquito
Why lookee now said the sexton heres my man come to life Lie down now doey lie down I ha been just making your grave
Oh Lord exclaimed the painter my g g g g grave
Ay ay nobody will own you you see and so we shall bury you tomorrow morning
Bury me cried the painter who had by this time got out of the shell Oh Christ where am I brought to—then looking round him—Oh dear friend have pity upon me
Odds wounds cried the sexton dont come nigh me I never could abide a dead body in my life unless in the way of business and when it was screwed up as a body may say so dont come nigh me
The painter told him he was alive the sexton said he was a damned liar and took up the lanthorn to be gone the painter followed the sexton holhowing out
the devil take the hindmost
At length turning round a corner of the church he blew out the candle slipt away and the painter found himself alone sore from head to foot wet and naked in the middle of a church yard above
two miles from Sir Sidneys at half an hour past ten oclock at night
In this condition he posted to the alehouse where he intended to have trumped up a story of his being robbed but his old friend the sexton being the first man he saw in the room he only desired the use of some clothes for which he said he would satisfy them handsomely
The man of the house agreed to accommodate him and fetched some things for that purpose which Musquito put on before the fire for the landlady was gone to bed In the mean time the guests were not sparing of their jokes
Bless me said one the gentleman has been sadly mauled with zummet He looks as if he had tumbled into a hornets nest
Icod said another I think its more like being scratched with cats
Very loikely said another two legged cats may hap
Lord love you cried the sexton you noas nothing about it The gentleman was tooked up in the milldam They mistooken for a vish—Dam maw I thoughten the biggest Jack I ever sawed And so as I was a telling you when the gentleman coomed in we took un to the boanehouse Adds waunds measter you do ought to
give maw zummet to drink your health after making your grave
The painter did not reply a single word to all this wit but having hurried on the landlords clothes and said he would return them in the morning and satisfy him for his trouble he sneaked to Sir Sidneys and skulked up stairs to bed
Charles and Figgins came in the morning to breakfast Every body was very inquisitive to know how it happened that the painter had not supped at home One said significantly he was perhaps better engaged another that whatever his amusement was he hoped it was to his liking In short the poor painter was handsomely played off At last it came to Sir Sidneys turn who said honest Swash had been with him that morning about an affair something in the style of the soldier and the king of France—the soldier craved pardon for having thrown a mans hat out of window and having obtained it said he had thrown his head out too
Here Sir Sidney related the whole business of the preceding evening as indeed he had heard it from Charles not from Swash He concealed his knowledge of the gallant who he said was rightly served and he only wished the next time the gentleman
whoever he was took it into his head to corrupt innocence and destroy domestic peace he would never after having done so presume to come into his presence He concluded with reprobating the conduct of the mother and heartily recommending the girl to Lady Roebucks notice who declared as Emma was in want of an assistant she should be immediately placed about the person of Annette
IT never for a single moment occurred to Charles that he had wrought an event most wonderfully in his own favour by thus punishing the painter for Jude—so was the millers daughter called—rang the changes in his praise so continually that as her voice was the voice of nature, and her sentiments strong genuine gratitude his cause could not even in Emma have had half so powerful an advocate nay with Emma herself—for though she was well enough pleased that the youth had conceived favourable thoughts of her though she admired the ready willingness with which he had corrected his error yet there was with her a distinct difference in the two cases As to herself she was a host alone she defied temptation and to such a youth as Charles she was rather pleased than concerned that she had had an opportunity of shewing upon what erroneous ground he began his career and what certain misery would be the consequence of his persuting in
indiscriminate pursuits in which he might be assured though he would often dupe others he would oftener be duped himself
Emma represented to him that the sensations of a tender and susceptible heart which had given a single pang to suffering virtue must be intolerable and therefore conjured him to cease from a conduct which was foolish as well as wicked impolitic as well as unworthy for it was a barter of virtue for infamy transient pleasure for lasting pain and however consonant to the boisterous and turbulent passions of youth would throughout his life be overshadowed by a cloud of wretchedness which the splendour of rank and distinction would vainly struggle to dissipate
To say the truth this incident had touched Emma in the right key for if she gave Charles credit for his delicate and honourable treatment of Jude how much then was due to her admonitions which produced it
If Emma had a weak side certainly this was it She was perfectly a schemer on the side of virtue and thought the passions might be bottled up like the winds of Aeolus forgetting that there never wants curious and turbulent spirits to let them out
not only to excite fresh dangers but make the case worse by leaving no remedy
Nevertheless nothing could be purer than poor Emmas intentions which though they were not always infallible hit nine times out of ten as she wished they should Here it was impossible they should miss Standfast indeed had he so far condescended would have at pleasure changed the form of every one of them and spight of Emmas penetration have shewn them even to her so deformed that she should scarcely have known them for her own
This gentleman however seems to be meditating at a distance and as the course is left free for youth sweetness good nature and ingenuity to pay their open court to beauty modesty and delicate sensibility no wonder if sanctioned by parents strongly supported by irresistible advocates and their mutual wishes being in their essence eminently congenial a strong and one would think indissoluble compact must naturally be formed between Charles and Annette
To speak plain which I as well as Emma think the best way so many were the desirable ends an union between this amiable couple promised to aecomplish
that had it not been for their youth—though probably they would not have found that an objection—neither themselves the fathers and mothers connections and dependants the two villages of Castlewick and Little Hockley—for Little Hockley was really now rising into same in spight of Mrs Swash and her unworthy propensities for which between the reader and I she got well thrashed by her husband—not one of these I say but would have blessed the day which united this lovely pair and what to some of them would not have been an unwelcome object have produced an extraordinary grand feast
But whether fortune thought with Emma that virtues and passions are given us to be exercised and controlled or whether the mind, like the constitution is soberer in its age for having been taken down in its youth I shall not pretend to decide here—certain it is that the blind and varying goddess did not altogether take part with the friends of our hero and heroine the reason why and the manner how she thought proper to dissent from this otherwise unanimous opinion will hereafter be gradually developed In the mean time I am really concerned that just when we find Charles and Annette in the full enjoyment of their friends admiration and that of one another, I should be under the
unpleasant necessity of throwing as complete a damp over all their spirits—such a scene of light and darkness is this life—as I had before presented to them of joy and exultation
I am sure the very name of poor Lady Hazard will anticipate every word of the sad tale it is my unwilling duty to relate This amiable lady this lovely this fatal sacrifice to complicated villany whose fall was doomed to tear the heart of him who in early life had departed from the paths of honour This charming victim who it should seem by an error of fate received the blow that was meant for her lord—But it was no error it is blindness to suppose fate can err he was to live that in the expiation of his original guilt his pangs might torture him with accumulated keenness—
Sweet Lady Hazard who had seemed to decline with the summer had been for some weeks evidently hastening to her dissolution when at length the solemn sentence of the physicians precluded all hope Indeed she felt that a few hours would put a period to her sufferings and desired with calm resignation that she might for the last time see her friends about her
This affecting request was soon complied with
for Lady Roebuck had been almost continually with her from the moment she was in actual danger and though our hero and his companions had at different opportunities employed their time as we have seen yet the most thoughtless of them would at any moment have flown to have contributed in the slightest degree to her ease or comfort In fact she was gliding out of the world by such imperceptible degrees that as she supported her melancholy situation with wonderful fortitude there had ever been till very lately some slight hope of her recovery
Lord Hazard had some time by her own particular desire been left alone with his lady Before however I relate what passed at this affecting interview that I may not improperly interrupt the readers banquet of grief—which by some is thought to be a very delicious luxury—I shall notice in order if possible to heighten the loveliness of Lady Hazard and the wretchedness of her Lord that owing to some expressions which fell from the surgeon during the operation at the John of Gaunt—which I have described as particular as was necessary or delicate—she became acquainted with that secret which seems to be set up as a beacon in this history to warn the reader that a very small deviation from prudence may plunge a family into irretrievable misery
The interview between Lord and Lady Hazard was of that affecting kind that at once excites pity and terror It was one of those moments when the tongue denies relief to the heart when nature would sink but for the assistance of madness and when the pressure of calamity numbs the keenness of its torture
Lord Hazard overwhelmed with the recollection of his unworthiness and loaded with the self-reproaching consciousness of his guilt lay in a torpid stupor His angel wife though every sigh hastened her departure pitied his pangs and sorrowed for his sufferings He burning to disclose what shame forbid him to utter and she dreading a horrid tale she had long and silently anticipated
In this state—that hand of death extended over her brow which he would have given the world to have been directed to his—no merciful tear to relieve his swolen heart he must have expired with excessive sensibility had not a few inarticulate sounds accompanied by a piteous sigh burst from his tortured bosom
Be calm my sweet love cried Lady Hazard
Calm returned he
—her celestial voice penetrating his torn heart and the tears gushing in torrents
from his eyes—
Yes calm as the pitiless butcher that kills the innocent lamb When thy spotless soul shall look down with just horror and kind commiseration on thy polluted husband and thy cruel murderer then tell me to be calm Infuse thy incomparable innocence into my culpable heart inspire me with virtue and teach me to be happy See Oh heavenly God—she hears me with sorrow but not with astonishment She knew it—tis plain she knew it—and my foul crimes have like the influence of a malignant poison slowly consumed her life Pity pardon immaculate angel—But my thoughtless frenzy is too much for her tender frame How are you my love She answers wildly
—And so indeed she did Lord Hazards violence had thrown her into a delirium in which she remained a few minutes and then expired
The incoherent expressions she uttered during this melancholy interval sufficiently confimed Lord Hazard that his lady was but too well acquainted with the fatal secret and lest he should not be wretched enough at her loss he had now the additional reflection that his crime had first sapped the foundation of her peace and afterwards gradually destroyed her life Regardless however of any discovery or its consequences he summoned every
possible assistance to her aid but no syllable that escaped Lady Hazard reached any ear except that Charles who first entered the room heard his mother fervently exclaim which were the last words she uttered
If any blessings were in store for me of which I have been untimely deprived shower them merciful heaven upon the head of my dear boy
Having so completely thrown the two families in the country into the vapours as to make it impossible they should play any of their whimsical tricks in our absence the reader and I will take a look at Mr Standfast and his associates and as much as any thing, because it is now high time that we should rescue that gentlemans fame from such an opprobrious stain as that of having compassed the death of Lady Hazard and brought about that scene of distress described in the last chapter solely for the purpose of doing mischief
I am ready to grant that no man upon earth had more satisfaction in contemplating the wretchedness which was produced by any one of his contrivances but then I do insist that it was not so much for the pleasure of the thing as the collateral consideration and I sincerely believe ill as I think of him that could he have had the smallest chance of doubling his
advantage be it in profit or pleasure by sacrificing his whole party he would not have made a single scruple
But to argue this matter fairly What had Mr Standfast gained by heaping all this complicated mischief on the head of his friend and benefactor but an addition to the salary which he had honestly earned by being tutor to Charles Why nothing literally to be sure as to himself As to whom then This is an article that remains to be accounted for Again if Mr Standfast on his own account received no other satisfaction—which surely was a small reward for such eminent villany—what other motive stimulated him Revenge—Revenge Yes—and now let me get rid of these two articles And first as to whom he seemed to be working for
Know then reader that Mr Standfast the consummately artful Mr Standfast whose superior talents in the craft of inflicting unmerited calamity none ever attained whose truly diabolical spirit never conceived mischief complete unless the shaft with which it wounded struck at virtue who could cajole and cozen all the world and dupe every one else was himself a dupe to—Mrs OShocknesy
Here is the collateral consideration but whence the revenge From the same quarter Mr Standfast who held all women as his slaves who treated serious reasonable honourable love as a banter who mocked at the very idea of a solemn and sacred obligation to a woman this very Mr Standfast—pity him oh pity him villain as he is—was a slave to Mrs OShocknesy Hence his revenge He was her first love was the friend of him who killed her husband in a duel she had a child by him before she saw Lord Hazard and would have married him but that his lordship stept in and carried her—nay let me whisper to the reader that it was not impossible but Zekiel was his son
A number of doubts which the reader had before formed are now dissipated nor will it be necessary to go again over the minutiae of Mr Standfasts conduct which was dictated by her though carried into effect by him and as she dared join ostensible acts to his covert ones what wonder if the unsuspecting virtue of Lord Hazard was surprised
Her views and her ambition were obvious—Lady Hazard was to be put out of the way by a diabolical contrivance which had it been avowed could have fastened nothing on its perpetrators His lordship
would naturally be inconsolable for her loss and who knew if he would survive it when he came to consider that it originated in his guilt Should this imaginary blessing be realized her son would come into possession of the title and estate if not she would at least have the triumphant consolation that she had imbittered his future felicity
This conduct was natural and common infamous as it was But how shall we account for that of her paramour who could not fond soul rest in the country absent from her he loved Charles as to Miss Figgins was a stoic to him The lady had promised on the death of Lady Hazard to honour him with her hand and instead of going to receive the last benediction of an expiring uncle his business in town was to keep from expiring the valuable love of the amiable Mrs OShocknesy
Thus while friendship obligation and all other ties that naturally induce gratitude only stimulated Mr Standfast to every atrocious and rascally measure that could sap the foundation and lay a train for the destruction of that love and harmony that were exemplary in the family of his patron and benefactor The mere whim and caprice of a woman whom he knew to be worthless and completely the reverse of every thing for which she could
expect admiration made him—expert as he was at every thing artful proof as he was against every thing but self—undertake the most wicked as well as the most silly things in nature. Here is a Hercules not contented with wielding the club—not quite so worthily by the bye—he buckles to the distaff
It will be unnecessary for me to mention that Figgins was sent for and fixed with Charles by Mr Standfasts participation nor will it very probably have escaped the readers sagacity that the whole affair of Miss Figgins who had not been with child was nothing more than to hold out a pretended secret over the head of that young gentleman for both Standfast and Figgins well knew that there is not a stronger hold of a grateful and generous heart than the knowledge of obligation and this is the sort of credulity I have described as a part of our heros composition which throughout his life induced him to be thankful to others for lending him imaginary benefits that they might receive from him real ones
But why should Charles be devoted to the same ruin with others He could not possibly hinder any one of their schemes He had nothing that could give them the smallest uneasiness Was it
then nothing to be the darling child the hopeful cherished favourite while Mrs OShocknesy and her son were turned into the world the sport of malicious tongues and the vestiges of fallen greatness Charles—though were the records of the human heart searched for every thing good and great that ever made up an amiable character the same marks of worth would be found in his—Charles must be traduced must be vilified it was necessary it was material he must be sunk that his elder brother might rise Besides Mr Standfast had a husband in his eye for Annette a better husband since who can deny but a rich sensible thinking youth as one will appear answers that description more perfectly than a poor vicious dissipated inconstant wretch as will be the character of the other
Reader it was not Zekiel that our friend Standfast had found out for Annette I know not if such an attempt would not have been a touch even above his art but however that young gentleman will probably shew by and by that he would chuse to be consulted before any material step should be taken that concerned him
Master Zekiel had at the time I am speaking pretty decided opinions and one of them was to
appear however he might really be satisfied with all his mother and Mr Standfast should determine unless they should ask him to sign any paper which he was fully resolved never to do
As the reader has not yet heard the upshot of the business relative to those letters wherein an application was made for the grant of the estate in Warwickshire I may as well inform him here that Sir Sidneys application rendered that of Mrs OShocknesy and her son fruitless therefore through Standfasts advice an addition was made to the annual stipend of the son who immediately left Eaton and went to France with Snaffle for his companion and Flush for his valet while Dogbolt who had long ago dropt his title being a handsome fellow occasionally comforted Mrs OShocknesy when Mr Standfast who as yet dared not see her except by stealth was out of the way
Mr Kiddy had taken good care to make himself particularly useful to Zekiel who swore there was so much fun and gig about the rum dog that he would rather have him for a companion than all the blackjacket codgers in England
Whether Kiddy had any latent meaning in the singular pains he took to ingratiate himself with his
young master I will not here enquire but certainly Standfast one day told him to take care how he came on to which Kiddy archly replied
Oh as for that master governor dont you go for to be uneasy honour you know among thieves
Thus have I shewn when all things are considered that Standfast was the worst actor in his own farce Nay I know not upon all great occasions whether to the subordinate objects the whole praise is not attributable Trim says while he is mustering his tattered troop fifty thousand such ragged rascals as these would make an ALEXANDER and who can deny but the taylor and the mantuamaker tell truth when they say that the splendour of the birth night is owing to them
FOR want of leisure or perhaps inclination or for some other wise reason no less cogent I did not mention to the reader that at the last grand feast a young stranger appeared and indeed attracted a great deal of notice He was then just arrived from Madeira and brought letters to Sir Sidney from a merchant there with whom the baronet dealt for wines and transacted other business Coming so opportunely he was invited to the feast and cut as I have said no inconsiderable figure
Charles took great pleasure in accommodating this gentleman whose name was Gloss studying his ease and convenience while he remained in Warwickshire He requested the pleasure of corresponding with him and begged his intimate friendship when he should return to England with a view of settling which he talked of doing after he should have taken a trip to the Cape of Good Hope where
his father had died immensely rich on his return from India
The winter had now began so to perriwig the trees as somebody has called it—by the way somebody and nobody are very useful figures in rhetoric—that the semicircle of evergreens before Sir Sidneys saloon with the clusters near it looked like a vegetable court of judges and counsellors in powdered ties and fullbottoms
This hint and a call of the house of commons—for Sir Sidney had stayed in the country beyond his usual time roused the baronet and made him begin to think of putting on his boots Yet not even his duty dearly as he loved it could induce him to stir a step without Lord Hazard who was become what SHAKESPEARE says of life
a walking shadow
Lord Hazard looked upon himself as the executioner of his wife and though his grief was inward yet it did not escape such vigilant friendship as Sir Sidneys His lordship declared he would devote himself to retirement His friends however at length prevailed and to make the satisfaction complete and universal Annette was for the first time to see London accompanied by Emma
It was the continual study of every one to make Lord Hazards time pass agreeably in which pleasurable task Mr Standfast now assisted whose presence his lordship confessed contributed greatly to relieve his care though heaven knows he had no such intention for his visits were for no other purpose than to warn him of certain snares which Mrs OShocknesy was not preparing for him in order if possible to entangle him in others that she was
About Christmas arrived Charless friend Gloss from the Cape of Good Hope where he had he said settled his affairs greatly to his satisfaction—He brought answers to some letters with which Sir Sidney entrusted him for Madeira
As Mr Gloss will hereafter cut no inconsiderable figure in this history it may not be improper to give some account of him He was the son of a clergyman who probably knowing that the advancement in the learned professions was a thing that depended less upon merit than interest had bred him up to trade not sparing however to give him a complete education which he very properly thought could do him no harm in any situation
One thing however was very romantic in this scheme All these bricks were to be made without straw for the old gentleman either could not or would not give his son a shilling towards laying a foundation for that fortune he was nevertheless sure he would one day or other make But having added the living languages to the dead ones and procured a recommendation for him to a countinghouse at Lisbon they parted the father furnishing him with some excellent rules for the regulation of his future conduct and forbidding him to draw for any thing but advice
The young gentlemans temper happened luckily to fall in with his fathers He undertook if he were eligibly set out to make his fortune His maxims were from early youth that if a man chose to fix his eye upon a spot let it be ever so out of his present reach or surrounded by ever such difficulties through perseverance it might be come at In little he had proved this doctrine to be founded for he never in his life possessed in his own right a single sixpence and yet he had cut a figure with the best
It is curious to remark that though no man upon earth knew better the value of substance than Mr Gloss yet he seem constantly to live upon
shadow The appearance and not the thing itself seemed to be what he most delighted in He so completely turned round all his employers in their own business that the tide of their fortune soon ran in a larger channel and they were astonished at the riches which originated from plans of his advising They however little considered what a yoke they were forming for themselves for it was not long before the young gentleman stipulated for a participation of their profits in consequence of which he took the earliest opportunity to involve the affairs of the partnership and was the only one able to save any thing from the wreck of a bankruptcy in which the whole concern was soon involved
After this stroke he went to Madeira where he drew a picture of the folly of his partners and shewed very clearly—for it is certainly true that people are to be reasoned into as well as out of any thing—how unwisely they had acted and how foolishly he had thrown away his time
Being through a house with which he had been connected very soon taken in an active partner for a slight share of the profits and with liberty to trade privately on his own account he entered into the spirit of the Madeira trade in such a style as astonished every merchant on the island He had the address
to tie the Dunkirk dealers down to give him and his connections a preference in brandies provided they dealt to such an amount in consequence of which he soon had it in his power to stagnate the Dunkirk trade in Madeira by being able to undersell the brandy merchants themselves who eager to catch at the bait he held out for them had supplied him largely little suspecting he would hold back what he had bought with a view of forestalling their next market
I give this as one among a variety of instances in which he saw further into peoples affairs than they did themselves By this means he had resources for them which they never dreamt of and of course was able to stipulate for better terms for himself
In the mean time it was one would think this mans pride never to have a shilling he could call his own Nothing was expensive enough for him and when it was his turn to treat at Bachelorshall—a place at Madeira built by the unmarried men and remarkable for hospitality—it was in a style that astonished every body for his taste was equal to his ingenuity
At length Madeira became too barren a spot for the fecundity of his genius He left it after giving
it many real advantages and was universally regretted as a man wonderfully calculated for business and yet a most agreeable companion
He got a considerable sum for his concern in the house he left which he took care in a few months to get rid of in England
The reader remembers that this gentleman brought letters from his connections in Madeira to Sir Sidney These were of course greatly in his favour Indeed the baronet was very well disposed to shew him any kindness but it was among the maxims of Mr Gloss never to make use of a friend except to carry a material point and a man must be very shallow indeed if he could not pretty well guess beforehand whether that point could be carried
The plan upon which this young gentleman proceeded was very simple but it required consummate talents It was nothing more than to administer to every mans foibles and reprobate his vices It is imppossible to describe how a man is infallibly taken hold of by a conduct of this kind Very few are uniformly good or uniformly wicked therefore all who are not have both follies and vices mixed with some good qualities Our follies are always agreeable
to us but though all vices are the consequence of them we detest the vice itself while we hug the folly that may have caused it Close however as we may take folly to our hearts we never fail to be privately ashamed of ourselves for it nor to attribute in the face of the world our actions to any thing else rather than this hidden cause What power then must that man have over you who by encouraging you in your foibles not only has discovered this pleasurable deformity you are so studious to hide but by glossing it over contrives to make you believe it appears as agreeable to him as to yourself This man has your heart fully and wholly and there is nothing you can deny him
This was Mr Gloss who however he came by it had this art in the highest perfection and knew so well how and upon whom to play his game that he was ever sure of coming off winner
Nor are the talents which form this character of necessity required to be very brilliant though various and perspicuous They are of the minor kind a quickness of conception a close observation on men and manners some shrewdness and a good memory comprising them all to which indeed—but that would be a deduction in worthy matters—
must be indispensibly added frontless impudence and a total want of feeling
Any man with these in his possession if he employ himself in nothing but this pursuit will arrive to as great perfection in the noble art of playing upon mankind as will raise him to that degree of consequence he may think proper
These qualifications stood with Mr Gloss in the place of Fortune and with these he turned that fickle ladys wheel as he thought proper
Will not the reader begin to feel uncomfortable when in conformity to that veracity which all historians should critically keep in view I am obliged to declare that this was the gentleman Mr Standfast had in his eye as a husband for Annette
Charles Figgins and Mr Gloss were inseperable The latter cut a prodigious figure He had an elegant chariot half a dozen footmen and might have been taken for a newly arrived nabob It was an extraordinary thing however that go where they would though he was sure to run up a most expensive reckoning he by some carelessness or other constantly left his purse at home so that
he presently became indebted to Charles more than two hundred pounds in odds and ends of this kind
This passed off as eccentricity and as he had a most agreeable apparent indolence of mind which by the way was what Kiddy would have called a copy of his countenance he appeared to our hero the most delightful companion he had ever met with
It was agreed that Charles with Figgins as a companion should early in the spring set out to make a tour of Europe in which he ventured to express a very strong wish that Mr Gloss would accompany him
This however could not be That gentleman was in treaty for a borough which a member was expected every day to vacate in his favour Besides he had requested Sir Sidney to cheapen an estate for him in Warwickshire and he was cursedly afraid that a certain woman of condition that he said should be nameless—and so she well might for she was not in existence—would insist upon a kind of a half promise he had made and noose him which matter he said were it really serious he verily believed would drive him abroad for he did
not think the possession of the finest and richest woman in the kingdom a compensation for the loss of any mans liberty of his figure and consequence
THE spring put an end to those town enjoyments which had employed the leisure hours of our hero and his connections and now Charles and his friend Figgins began to prepare for an excursion to those parts of the world where true politeness is thought to be native so heartily do Englishmen reprobate the manners of their own country though they so dearly love its principles
It was settled that our hero should go on to Italy by the borders of Flanders and not see Paris till on his return to England through the heart of France as it was thought by that means he would the better taste the pleasures of that capital
Charless heart was fully set on this tour and for several days it was the general topic of all the friends He received the good wishes and advice of all with great thankfulness Sir Sidney with
the heartiest friendship entreated him not to engraft French manners upon an English cion He begged of him to hear see and consider to approve and adopt whatever mended the heart but to reject with contempt all that merely went to decorate the person He said a flattering exterior was a dangerous thing and there were sometimes more art and design under a feather than any graver decoration of the head He said the whole character of the French was comprehended in minutiae that this rendered them at first sight agreeable afterwards necessary and at length to credulous men endearing but to the penetrating trifling and tiresome
Sir Sidney said he would not wish for a better authority for pronouncing a man weak and ignorant than his having a strong attachment upon repeated trials to the French in general They were he said polite without good manners acquainted with every thing though perfect in nothing praying one moment and cheating the next holding you in their arms and laughing over your shoulder gay with design accommodating with arrogance apparently open but really hypocritical assuming with meanness In short he said their lives were a mixture of pride and servility selfconsequence and adulation stateliness and cringing protestation
and insincerity and though their sports were the sports of children their mischief was the mischief of monkies
Happy the man then sir said Charles who like you can sensibly discriminate between the extremes of this motley character and retain so much of it for his own use as shall make him wary in his dealings with the world without being dishonourable
I know not said Sir Sidney whether I deserve your compliment but this is the very effect I would wish the French manners to have upon you who however cautioned will I fear from the openness of your heart and your strong desire to find men what they ought to be take without examination that dross which the French so very easily contrive to pass for sterling As to Italy see every valuable picture statue and structure hear all that is excellent in music admire the country and come away lest exclusive of the danger to your own morals you are obliged to confess that the most beautiful and once the most glorious place in the world is now the most infamous
Lady Roebuck who truly regarded Charles as her son as much from inclination as from a promise
made to Lady Hazard on her death bed gave him only general advice as to his youth and inexperience relying however on his strong good sense and that rectitude of heart which as we have already noticed was remarkable in so young a man She promised to keep Annette firmly to her sentiments of esteem for him and doubted not but his conduct would warrant all her exertions in the promotion of his happiness and finally that Annette improved at home and he abroad there could be no doubt of their making one of the most happy as well as elegant couples in the world
Emma warned him against the jays of France and the nightingales of Italy She said she foresaw that if his heart was not steel and adamant he would be ruined that she had read his mind thoroughly and plainly saw that the only vice he had in the world was want of deceit It was to be sure a strange declaration but it was very true That she should not wonder at any thing he became in the hands of the French and Italians for he was such pliable wax that any man with a plausible story the argument of which could be deduced from a good motive might shape him into any form She begged of him in particular to beware of holy hypocrites What she had read she told him of their cruelty and dissoluteness was yet worse if possible than all
the gambols with which the forms of their facetious religion seemed to burlesque its author or rather the author of that which they daringly ventured to innovate and which involved a system of morality mild as mercy and benignant as his holy name who established it Above all she cautioned him against convents and an intercourse with those drones of society the inmates of them who from leisure to plan and inclination to execute were the perpetrators of every species of profligacy and mischief Her reading she said had induced her to believe that there were more than three hundred thousand cloystered clergy in France and a proportionable number of females that the wickedness the attrocious wickedness carried on within those walls which were supposed to immure saints was shockto humanity
Emma further observed that it could not be supposed that any thing like the licentious infamy of France and Italy could ever have been practised here because England had properly speaking never been the seat of that dangerous religion but let it be recollected in the reign of Henry the Eighth what barbarous what detestable vestiges of popish profligacy were discovered at the demolishing Netley abbey and many other convents—Subterraneous communications for nightly visits
from friars to nuns and nuns to friars Hidden infants apparently murdered If then the plant which was here an exotic grew to such perfection how must it flourish in its native soil It was horrible to think of it
But added Emma if I may credit what I have read this most unholy irreverent indecent ridiculous religion is clearly where it exists a jest with all but the superstitious ignorant What is the mode of choosing a pope but a blasphemous imposition in which one would think to punish them for presumptuously daring to give out that their election is from heaven they once by inspiration no doubt as well as upon all other occasions chose a woman who betrayed her sex their shame and opened the eyes of every one who chose to see But vive la bagatelle in that as in every thing else soon got the better of good sense and sound reason and they went on electing popes the choice of heaven not however without taking a precaution lest heaven should have again deceived them
Emmas precautions were applauded by a burst of laughter and Charles entreated her to make herself perfectly easy giving her his word that he would take particular care that his small plantation
of understanding should not be eaten up by these black locusts
Annette took an innocent but tender leave of her lover for Emma had ever encouraged her not to be ashamed of a truly virtuous passion Our hero felt himself greatly charmed at the distinction, and exulted not a little at reflecting that after time and experience should have prepared him with manly and proper resolutions and given him riper qualities of mind and person the possession of so charming an object would be within his reach Many were their mutual protestations ardent yet innocent heartfelt yet reasonable At length they separated with a promise to write to each other and with vows of inviolable fidelity
One audience now only stood with Lord Hazard before the time when our hero was to depart This interview was without witness My lord took his son tenderly by the hand saying
My dear Charles lowered as I am by my grief wretched by calamity and disordered by both my merits are more than rewarded by having you for my son I never made you a stranger to my youthful excesses indeed it would perhaps be policy to paint them to you even in their strongest colours that you might shun the certain ruin that awaits
such profligacy Your incomparable mother now no more was—I cannot think of it but my soul is in arms—given me to bless my repentant heart with comfort more than such a wretch deserved yet did I after the enjoyment of such bliss such unexampled delight dash the cup of happiness from my lips in the very moment that it held for me all the blessings of life in one delicious draught
Wonder not at my words Charles it is very true your mother owes her death to me—to your father—to your wretched culpable father He who should from duty from gratitude from a sense of his own honour her virtues her angelic virtues have avoided like contagion the most distant means that could wound her mind the thousandth part of a moment much less join with wretches with infamous detestable wretches to work the destruction of her peace and then her life Oh look with pity cried he in agony injured martyred saint and calm the woes that tear me—that destroy me—that feed me with such torturing remorse as would make me think annihilation a blessing My dear boy thou art astonished—
I am indeed sir said Charles but it cannot
be I know sir it is impossible The fixed the solemn melancholy with which my indeed incomparable mothers death has shaded your brow makes you see every thing through a sadly deceitful medium and you think the irregularities of your youth sat near her heart But cheer away this melancloly my lord and father let me forego my intention of travelling and stay to comfort you by my watchful and tender duty I will swear to have no joy no employment but the dear pleasing task of exhausting all my little talents to divert and soften your anxiety
My good my noble boy said Lord Hazard I cannot now enjoy a single glimpse of happiness but that which results from reflecting how great how illustrious a figure you will one day make My heart is set on your travelling and the letters I shall receive from you will be all my comfort As for the rest time and reflection sweeted by the friendship of Sir Sidney may restore my health—which I will endeavour to preserve for thy sake—but nothing can give me back my peace of mind This unhappy business which was not a youthful folly but a relapse of honour—Poor boy I little thought when I was schooling thee how much I stood in need of a tutor myself But my words like my deeds want connection I
was going to say I would relate this damned business to you by letter with reflections the whole of which together may serve you for an excellent system of advice for it will have both honest precept and dreadful example in one
Charles acceeded to the terms and pledged himself before hand so well he said he knew his fathers excellent heart that in discussing this business be it what it might the guilt would vanish though the cala•…ity should remain
My 〈…〉 thanking his son for this earnest of his tender •…ty proceeded in more tranquillity to tell him the state of his expectations
Heaven knows my dear my worthy boy said he that it would be the pride of my life could I leave you my her•ditary estate and honours but they are so rigidly tied up that it is impossible All you can have therefore is your mothers jointure amounting to about fifteen hundred a year and what ready money I may die possessed of which I hope will realize for you an annuity equal to that amount and with this fortune I know Sir Sidney will be content to take you for his son in 〈…〉 Your income till you are of age will be a thousand a year spend this freely I give you
leave but do not spend a shilling more If I should die before you return—
Far be that unhappy day said Charles Come sir take leave of melancholy reflections I shall not else have the heart to leave you Indeed I can hardly bear the thought at any rate Warm as my youthful imagination paints the various pleasures of different courts and nations I should be wretched in the midst of them all and alone though in a throng if I thought in my absence my father indulged a single sigh that my presence could suppress
Noble boy said Lord Hazard charming youth adieu your kind words shall serve me for consolation till I have your first letter your first letter till I have your second and thus you see pleasure will accumulate with me—and every post too—for by every post I hope you will write
I will indeed my dear father said Charles but let me not go while you are thus uneasy I feel a reluctance an unspeakable reluctance to leave you There is an inquietude hangs over me that I cannot describe
It is nothing my kind boy said his father but the damp I have thrown on your spirits my letters however will dissipate it I have ever wanted to open my heart to you for
I wish to think you as much a friend as a son—Do then by the most tender the most endearing expressions in both qualities hearten me to live to be happy to make thee so thee my good boy my only remaining comfort
Doubt not my whole power my whole devotion said Charles Be assured there is no pursuit upon earth that I shall not consider as secondary to my duty to the best of fathers
And now Charles said my lord almost the happiestof fathers since I see I shall derive so much pleasure from thee
A servant now informed them the chaise was ready A few more reciprocal promises of attention passed after which they joined the company to every individual of which Charles bid a tender adieu till at length having embraced his father with uncommon emotion he burst into a flood of tears hurried with Figgins to the chaise and had got twenty miles before he once opened his mouth
EVERY thing Mr Figgins had done hitherto was rather a partial rehearsal behind the scenes than the actual performance of his part He now comes forward on the stage where we dare trust him without a prompter so well had he perfected himself in those scenes where he was destined to make his appearance and indeed it were to be wished that other actors whether on the theatre or in the pulpit at the bar at court or any of those many playhouses in the kingdom were—though but for the sake of consistency—half so well qualified to sustain their parts or half so perfect in them
Charles had not twice changed horses in his way to Dover before he had much welcome cause to be charmed with the solicitude of his friend Figgins well knew that to treat a disorder in the mind, he must have recourse to a practice the very reverse of that generally adopted with relation to the body therefore instead of nauseous unpalatable draughts in which one would think its professors imagined consist all the secrets of physic he studiously went about to prepare all that he conceived would charm the heart and expand the liberal mind of our hero He drew him from his silence by degrees extolled in the highest terms of admiration his filial piety represented the condition of his father as the workings of a truly amiable mind formerly irregular indeed but now restored to the exercises of reason and benevolence he drew a warm picture of both the power and the will of Sir Sidney to sooth all his cares and finally painted the extreme satisfaction that would result to him by a contemplation that he had one son who would become so great an honour to him as to make noble amends for the obloquy cast upon his name by the despicable ignorance and contemptible conduct of the other
After several similar preparations he began to enter upon the grand subject and at length made his young friend perfectly sensible for what purpose
they were then in the post chaise France and all its gaieties began insensibly to blend in their conversation and Figgins archly remarked that gravity was an exotic which certainly would not flourish in so smiling a climate
Charles was ever remarkably tenacious of not permitting his private feelings to inconvenience his friends and the less he conceived himself obliged to restraint by a mans presence the more forward he was to shew that his attention was voluntary—He felt Figginss kindness and began to unbend Besides he had high health and brilliant spirits and however sincerely he might grieve at heart when he reflected—which he certainly very often did for his time of life—sorrow caught but little apparent hold on his volatile mind
Being arrived at Dover they bespoke a passage boat to themselves for the next morning and while it was yet daylight took a walk to see that cliff which Emma had convinced herself by her reading though now the boundary of the channel had certainly in former times made a part of the continent
On their return to supper the landlady informed them that a young lady attended by a footman and
a female servant had arrived since their departure and finding that our travellers had engaged the only passage boat on the Dover side expressed an anxious wish that she might be permitted to go half the expence of the vessel and sail with that opportunity for that her affairs called for expedition and she had been also informed that as the wind blew right into Calais harbour there would be no chance of any arrival from thence
It will easily be conceived that the request was instantly complied with though not the terms of it A genteel compliment was instantly returned to the lady with an earnest entreaty that she would suffer the gentlemen to wait on her The interview was permitted the lady was complimented with the offer of a passage for her and her servants which it was delicately hinted to her must be gratis and after as much hesitation as was due to good breeding she accepted the proposal
What Figgins had so successfully began this lady completed She was young handsome and lively and though there appeared now and then a little levity in her manner yet Charles upon Figginss suggestion was willing to attribute it to her extraction and situation the first of which they soon
learnt from her own mouth was French and the latter that of a widow
In the course of their conversation it came out to the great satisfaction of our travellers that this young lady by name St Vivier was born in England and the daughter of a French refugee that she married a French gentleman who was proscribed for some overt acts in which he stood up for the liberty of the subject but he now being dead she was going to see what she could collect in France of the scattered remains of his fortune that her journey was to Lyons and being obliged to make some stay at Sedan for intelligence among her late husbands relations she should pursue her rout by the borders of Flanders
As this was step for step the way that had been marked out for Charles what could be so fortunate as the above intelligence This fact was communicated and a proposal suggested that they should make that tour together It was not however mentioned but with the most suitable propriety as to preparation and manner The lady found great difficulty to believe that her route was really that which our travellers had intended to take but saw she said that they were so polite as to alter their intention in compliment to her
Both Charles and Figgins vehemently protested the truth of their assertion and indeed used so many arguments to convince her that it would have been an infringment of that politeness which she seemed to possess in a natural and elegant degree to have •urther doubted their veracity The next difficulty was that it would appear very odd if she should travel in the company of strangers Charles said she had her own servants with her and Figgins noticed that they were all alike strangers in France where indeed no explanations were ever required when people paid their way This she said she should make a point of doing to the utmost farthing if she consented at all but at any rate she must entreat till the morning to consider of the propriety of their proposal
for added she a woman of honour cannot be too cautious especially in such a licentious country as France has been described to me
In this remark both our hero and his friend acquiesced and now supper being announced the lady after some little difficulty was prevailed on to partake of it not however without remarking that matters must be put upon a different footing when they should arrive on the other side of the water To which our hero replied with a very penetrating glance that he sincerely hoped it would
be so and upon the ladys looking grave added since it appeared to be her wish
A smart breeze the next day conducted them safely to Calais in something more than three hours where after the customary ceremonies of entering their names paying a visit to the customhouse giving something in charity and satisfying a few clamorous porters they were glad to get hold of some soup gras at Desseins which as well as the rest of their dinner they found excellent
In the evening they went to the play which was also performed in the same inn where there is a remarkable neat theatre and by no means small During the performance Charles was greatly pleased with the remarks of Madame St Vivire who spoke French admirably well and perfectly tasted the neat nothingness of the French little operas two of which were that night given Our hero who knew also that language as well as reading could teach it him begged to be this ladys scholar for the practical part of it She readily agreed by which means as he feigned whenever he found it convenient to know less than he did he had a thousand opportunities of indulging himself in a thousand witty sallies by way of trying how a declaration of love would be taken which he the less hesitated
to do as a widow at her own disposal was fairly out of his agreement
He first tried his French eloquence to persuade her that the pleasure of her charming company and the advantage of the rapid improvement he should make under her tuition would amply overbalance the expences of their journey At first however she could not think of consenting to this but Charles being strongly seconded by Figgins she at length agreed
This matter set Charles more at ease for he was pretty well assured she could not be a woman of very nice honour who would in this instance yield to the solicitation of two strangers He therefore determined to ply her with the whole force of his amorous eloquence At night he took notice she sipped the burgundy pretty freely which opportunity he seized to insinuate some bold hints which were not ill received Maintaining this ground he had soon reason to think the lady would after a very short siege surrender in form which hopes were confirmed the next morning by Figgins who had already won the ladys woman—both a handsome and genteel girl—and reaped the fruits of his victory
Charles redoubled his assiduity and Madam St Vivier after holding out with great apparent modesty at length reluctantly promised to make him happy on their arrival at Lisle to which place having seen every thing at Calais not forgetting the picture where the citizens are kneeling to King Edward with halters about their necks which curiosity was recommended to his attention by Emma they now prepared to set out
About an hour before the horses were to be ready Mr Dessein begged the favour of an audience with Charles which being granted him after a proper apology and preparation he said he had a matter of great delicacy to communicate which concerned him nearly
Charles expressed some surprise at this declaration and having previously promised at Desseins entreaty that he would in no wise take the matter ill he was informed that some months before a gentleman came to him one morning saying
Mr Dessein I have been robbed of those eighty louis dors which I yesterday received from you in a bag
He replied it was impossible that his money might probably be mislaid or found by the servants but that in that house nobody could be
robbed He would make enquiry he said and the money would be restored to him
The gentleman went out and at his return Dessein had eighty louis dors ready for him in a bag similar to the other for money being in France often paid in three livre and six livre pieces the bankers have all bags on purpose
The excuse made to the gentleman was that as the house was very full the evening before the servant after he was asleep seeing the bag lie on the ground had brought it to one of the clerks who had put it in the counting house for it should be known that Dessein is a banker as well as an innkeeper The gentleman not in the least suspecting the truth of what he heard put the money in his pocket and went away
The fact however which had been so artfully suppressed was this Dessein said he saw in a moment that the gentleman had been really robbed and upon making his enquiries as to the situation of the lodgers he found to a certainty by whom In short he said this crime was committed by a young English gentleman heir to a high title and a large estate that it could not be for want of money
as no doubt he might have had what he pleased of his father but finding himself in an immediate necessity instead of applying to him in which case he might have been supplied he took this sum without considering the consequences
Mr Dessein said the resolution he took upon it was to say nothing upon the subject to any person till he should see the young gentleman himself for that out of gratitude to the English to whom he owed his all he would rather lose ten times that sum than make a stir about such a trifle but that having seen that young gentleman since and been treated by him in a very en cavalier style though he was determined not to expose him except to his own family he should now certainly make no scruple of applying for the money
In short he informed our hero who began now to smell a rat that Zekiel was the thief
What an opportunity is here to put an end to this history Charles had nothing to do but get his brother hanged to be heir to the family title and estate his marriage with Annette would have followed of course and when they had produced half
a dozen children for Lord Hazard to dandle on his knee and comfort himself in his old age he would have sunk peaceably to rest and have left his darling son and daughter in possession of his honours
Whether Charles foresaw an uniform tranquillity in such a life and was determined to experience what sort of pleasures are generally produced by variety or whether—which is full as probable—he felt a strong wish to hide his unnatural brothers frailty we will not enquire Certain it is he without hesitation repaid Mr Dessein upon the spot thanked him for his prudence and represented that he was sorry to see his brother possessed so insolent a spirit but begged he would consider the whole as an extravagant tour de jeunesse which had more of false wit in it than premeditated vice He desired that the whole might sink into oblivion and in particular that it might never come to his fathers ears
Mr Dessein promised literally to follow the directions of our hero with whose manner and generosity he was very much struck and could not help remarking that he plainly saw though
the honour was vested in the elder brother the younger possessed the virtues which could alone enoble a family
CHARLES having finished this business greatly to his satisfaction determined that no hint should escape him concerning it not even to Figgins but lest future instances of his brothers nefarious conduct should multiply in a strange country where it would cost him dearly to extricate himself from such difficulties he lengthened a letter he had already written to his father by first very delicately apologizing for touching on such a subject and then entreating that his brothers allowance might be augmented even though his own should be curtailed for that it was impossible for a man in any style to cut a figure in France—particularly a young and inexperienced man—with a slender income He gave some general reasons for this request and though with great deference strongly submitted the matter to his fathers consideration
After entreating Mr Dessein to send any letters forward for him to Lisle he took leave of Calais
At Lisle they purposed staying a few days and as Charles promised himself the possession of Madame St Vivier he was determined to sport as grand a figure as his circumstances would allow—He therefore hired a carriage made parties and gave petits soupees at his inn which were of course frequented by as many guests particularly officers and abbes as could beg borrow or steal cards of invitation
One evening about half an hour before supper arrived un My Lor Anglois with a gentleman and lady two footmen and a maid servant who could not get so elegant a repast as they wished all the delicacies being taken up by our hero who had invited a large party by way of adieu to Lisle—Charles when he came to understand the inconvenience of the strangers of which he had been innocently the cause upon consulting Figgins sent his compliments and requested as a favour that they would add sans facons to the number of those he had invited
The invitation was as freely accepted as given the two gentlemen and the lady presently appeared
and were received with all that freedom so common in France The lady was immediately surrounded by the officers and the gentlemen who appeared to be true English sportsmen were hunting out for any body who could speak a word of English Figgins and our hero relieved their distress as much as possible At length supper appeared and presently one of our bucks said to the other
I say you Tadpole if I can think how so many people jabber so curse confoundedly with their jaws full
Oh my lord said his friend a Frenchmans jaws are like the tools of a trunk maker they always make more noise than work
Figgins gave them a hint that they had better be on their guard lest any of the company should understand English
Oh damme said my lord the queer lantern jawed bitches of fellows know no more about English than they do about roast beef only see if they do Mounseer
Monsieur answered a very polite abbe
I say said my lord Mounseer how much soup meeger and frogs do you hide away when you can get it in your leather bags of cheeks that look for all the world like the jaw bags of a monkey
The abbe after paying him the utmost attention replied
Monsieur je ne comprend pas un mot—
Now what the devil faid my lord is paws umo
He fays he does not understand what you say answered Figgins but you see how open you are yourself for what he said might have been abuse for ought you knew to the contrary
Come sir said my lord no offence to you but I will bet you five hundred and I say done first that if any French rascal in company dares for to offer an affront to me I twigs him a lick of the jaws
At this moment Madam St Vivier said
My Lord Hazard I have the pleasure of drinking your health
To which Charles answered
My dear Madam I thank you give me leave to drink with you that our wishes may be mutual
The stranger who was disputing with Figgins here cried out
Hey whats this Here you Tadpole how is this Here is a gentleman does me the honour to take up my title before I am dead ay and before my old put of a father is dead too
Charles penetrating in a moment the whole force of these few words blushed with indignation which Zekiel perceiving—for the reader sees it was he—followed the blow he had given by saying
Ay damme fine work fine times when every little whipper snapper can set up for a lord
True said Figgins who had a mind to give our hero time for recollection and one may see by your own appearance how contemptible it is—
Nay said Mr Tadpole you must now suffer me to speak sir This gentleman is certainly the eldest son of Lord Hazard who has ridiculously discarded him under pretence of libertine conduct when there is scarcely such an old libertine as himself in existence
Sir said Charles your assertion is a falsity I see this whole business I am by accident in the company of my elder brother who shall not nor shall you sir traduce the character of the most amiable father that ever had existence
Come come said Figgins let the matter now it is explained be as it ought forgotton or at least defer it all the company is gone or till tomorrow morning
I defer it said the young lord
no such thing I assure you—whos afraid of these grinning baboons
here
for the Frenchmen had by this time began to shrug up their shoulders and demonstrate other tokens of admiration
My brother Charles here for that is the go I see thinks because he has got a parcel of starvegutted rips of mounseers about him that a man of my condition damme is to be grinned out of his title
When the title comes to be yours retorted Charles there will be more likelihood of grinning than at present but the matter as Mr Figgins has very properly said should drop which you had better agree to yourself at least for the present if it were only in consideration of your being my guest
Your guest said Zekiel why do you think as I would have come for to eat any of your supper if I had been up to such fine gig as this—
As much said Charles as I would have invited you had I known who you were—as the invitation therefore was sent as from stranger to stranger I am willing to give it another turn to all those who have not understood the dispute and I am sure the whole company will join in laughing it off
Yes and a fine laugh it would be against me
hey Tadpole No no damme I will tell them all about it I say Mounseer no my lord he—I my lord
Ah ha said an officer without understanding him
Damme if I ever saw such a set of fools in my life said Zekiel
That man no my lord at all I am one great grand my lord myself
Very great and very grand indeed said Charles it is pity that nobody knows it
You are a puppy Mr Charles said Zekiel why the devil dont you help me out Tadpole you can jabber a little of their damned gibberish
Tadpole undertook to inform the company how the matter stood in which account he certainly behaved very scandalously by representing Zekiel as a lord and Charles as an impostor without explaining how innocently the matter had been fallen into Here Charles interfered with all the warmth he could It was however to no purpose Cest affreux Jesu Maria Cest honteux and half a dozen other expressions of astonishment were all uttered together and the whole company agreed that they had all along feared our hero was a low born fellow by his prodigality In short a thousand marks of
attention were immediately lavished upon Zekiel which being interpreted to him through the medium of Tadpole he swore he never liked French people so well in his life while Charles fortified by indignation against the apostacy of his guests did not now think it worth his while to undeceive them but contented himself with taking this as a caution how he should summon together a promiscuous company in France at his own expence for the future
Figgins however was determined it should not go off so He observed that not one of the company while they bestowed pretty liberally the most humiliating epithets on Charles grudged to eat or drink any thing they could lay their hands on he therefore moved that either nothing should be touched or that they would accompany every word in the manner they had before this discovery with some wellturned compliment to him at whose expence they sat down for as nothing was expected for so sumptuous an entertainment but words—a coin in which they were very rich and very prodigal—he must beg in the name of his friend that they would fulfil the conditions of the feast otherwise it would induce him to wish for a bill that every man might pay his reckoning in another coin with
which he did not believe they were so well provided
This sarcasm gave very high offence notwithstanding which they eat and drank on without offering to comply with either of Mr Figginss conditions till at last Zekiel to whom they were explained through Tadpole offered to pay his share and invited his new friends to follow his example
His adherents began now to forsake him no one came into his proposal and all eyes were immediately fixed again upon Charles who seeing what sort of turn matters were likely to take got up and said
Come gentlemen I will end the dispute—Is it not fair that he should be considered as the true Lord Hazard who pays the bill
A general affirmative was instantly given and Zekiel being asked if he would pay the whole expence of the evening out of his pocket answered he would see such a set of mounseers and madames at the devil first Charles then called the waiter who said there was nothing to pay for that his honour had satisfied every thing as well for the supper as the dance and little opera that would enter in a few minutes
Zekiel now under went a thousand mortifications which he contented himself with returning by abuse in a language the Frenchmen could not understand At length he sneaked off to bed vowing revenge against his brother which Mr Flush who as we have said was a follower of his fortunes assured him as he ascended the gallery was easily practicable
I have already said Charles had reason to believe that Madame St Vivier would at Lisle recompense his attention by consenting to make him happy upon his own terms That very night shew was to comply with his wishes and this secret by a means I shall take an opportunity one time or other to explain Mr Flush had discovered and now imparted it to Zekiel who getting instructions as to the situation of all the different bedchambers determined to supplant his brother
In pursuance of this determination when all was silent in the inn he went to the room where he had been directed and finding it invitingly open fastened the door on the inside and groped about till he found the bed Being accosted by a female voice in a whisper he replied in the same manner He then undrest himself and was welcomed into bed as warmly as he could wish In about
half an hour after another person knocked softly at the door whom he of course guessed to be his brother Charles but advising the lady not to take the smallest notice of this intrusion after a short time the importunate visitant gave over knocking and went away
He began now to glory in his success and had a great mind to stay and brazen the whole matter out but was so earnestly entreated by the lady to spare her delicacy and to leave her before the day dawned that he at length complied
Elated with this revenge Zekiel as he occasionally passed our hero in the morning could not help looking big and half insulting him Charles bore every thing very patiently till being obliged to answer an impertinent question or two a very provoking altercation ensued and Zekiel ventured a most invidious and wanton invective against the memory of Charless mother Scarcely were the words out of his mouth when our hero fairly knocked him down and indeed was so transported with passion that he swore he would not rest a moment till he had sacrificed so infamous a rascal to the offended laws
Zekiel being again upon his legs came up and
demanded what he meant by that Charles bid him ask Monsieur Dessein At these words Zekiel was in a cold sweat and trembled from head to foot and was actually upon the point of confessing the robbery when Figgins and Mr Tadpole came upSeeing this Charles in the language of Tamerlane bade him keep his own wicked secret and be safe and asking Mr Tadpole which way they intended to go to England and being answered by the way of Ostend he advised him for the sake of his friend to keep that resolution
Figgins plainly saw there was some hidden meaning in this expression and had indeed though he had not betrayed it thought a little mysteriously of the tete a tete interview between Charles and Monsieur Dessein to which another circumstance that occurred at Lisle being added he thought it necessary to tax Charles with want of confidence and pushing the matter while it was warm he obtained from our hero who was the worst qualified in the world for a hypocrite the whole truth
Figgins thanked him for his frankness and said that in return he would give him some intelligence relative to Master Zekiel that would not a little surprise him
He said that being all well flushed the night before every one seemed to have his different appointment For his part he had made an assignation with Kitty Madame St Viviers maid which he went to keep but by some accident or other mistaking the chamber he had certainly introduced himself to Miss Tadpole who it was plain expected somebody for upon finding it impossible to answer many of her questions she was at first in manifest confusion but soon recovering herself gave a turn to the unintelligible part of her conversation and in direct terms made him understand that she took him for Zekiel though what she said was so worded that he plainly saw this was the first interview of that nature which had passed and which she was evidently surprised into owing to her expectation of some other person
Taking the hint therefore he passed himself on her for my lord which indeed spoilt all his scheme of pleasure for the remainder of the night except so much as gratified his curiosity for having yielded to his embraces before matters came to be explained she took on strangely and complained of being ruined in her sleep and all the old cant of those ladies who are well versed in such arts as pass off their stale ware to inexperienced young gentlemen
I topped my part said Figgins for learning from her all those vows and promises which your precious brother has made her I confirmed them with a number of his quaint oaths and at length left her apparently satisfied
I should not forget to mention that after I had been sometime in bed a knocking and a voice was heard at the chamber door on which in her fright she said that is my brother I know his voice—and so by the way did I She would have let him in to have witnessed the protestations I had made her This however I overruled and after a time the brother—for I dare say it was he—went away but upon putting all considerations together I am convinced this Mr Tadpole is the ladys gallant and they are trying together to noose your brother which upon my soul I think for the sake of the family ought to be prevented
Charles agreed to this and said if Mr Figgins would confront the lady on their return—for they were now on the ramparts—he would in spight of his inward indignation for his brother try to undeceive him and so save him from this infamy that seemed to await him
Figgins said he was an excellent young man and he would second so laudable an endeavour with all his heart
But said Figgins now we are on the subject of last night you I find kept my appointment for Kitty tells me this morning that some person stole into her room whom she mistook for me but finding her error—but not till she had yielded—made the best of it and humoured the mistake
This is singular enough said Charles I assure you it was not I I was much better employed
Are you sure of it said Figgins—
Oh certain said Charles My assignation was no mysterious one I had no occasion to shroud my designs in darkness for the joys I reaped were heightened by the blushes of my mistress which were revealed to my view by a wax taper which I dare say was bought for a very different ceremony
Then by God said Figgins it was your brother who dubbed me with my harlot while J was dubbing him by anticipation with his wife and I am damnably mistaken if he has not had such anticipaters in the ladys favours for any time this four years
This conversation brought them back to the inn where they found their whole benevolent design
rendered abortive for Zekiel and his company had in their absence set out and were now several miles on their journey towards Ostend
Let them go said Figgins and since the fellow will run his nose into the matrimonial gin let him squeak for it but I hope while I reprobate his folly I am not glancing at any in you Madame St Vivier and you are evidently upon very kind terms I need not hint to your good sense that she is a mere adventurer
Oh said Charles that one may plainly see I should like however to know her real story
That for your sake I have discovered said Figgins
Madame St Vivier and her maid are neither more nor less than Aimwell and Archer in the Beaux Stratagem They are travelling to the south of France by the way of Lyons which route I believe they take simply because it is ours On their return by the way of Paris Mrs Kitty is to be the mistress and Madame St Vivier the maid and whatever they pick up in their journey they are to go snacks in The girl acknowledges to me that the first idea was to trap you into a marriage but finding we were too knowing for them and in facts better calculated to administer to their pleasure than their convenience like a
couple of generous girls as they are every thing it seems is to be left to ourselves
Which generosity they must not repent said Charles
By no means said Figgins and if in our way we meet with any English booby not your brother let them in Gods name profit of their good fortune
This introduced some general remarks on English travellers which Madame St Vivier interrupted Figgins acquainted her with the discovery as to her scheme and both the gentlemen assured her they would assist it as far as they could without injuring their characters as men of honour
Post horses were ordered to be ready the next morning While they were harnessing Charles having occasion to pay the civility of an adieu to a person in power who had done him some kindness as to his business at the customhouse and other matters had the curiosity to call himself at the post office for he had not yet received a single letter from his father though he had written several—He was there informed that there had been letters but they were fetched away by a footman in a livery exactly like his own the day before Charmed with these tidings he flew back to the inn thinkthat
the footman must have been John who had forgot to give them to him but how great was his surprise when John assured him he had received no letters and offered to go back to the postoffice to rectify the mistake whither they immediately set out Figgins begging them to be expeditious for the horses were put to
But stay Charles added Figgins I will tell you as sure as you are alive how the case is Your brothers livery is the same as yours he has intercepted your letters and is now gone the devil knows where and so the unnatural wretch while you were saving his reputation and perhaps his life by your unparalleled liberality in the affair of Dessein—owing I dare say to the cunning of the fellow who travels with him for he has not head enough himself—has hit upon this treacherous plan to make a breach between you and your father
It must be so said Charles but that we may be sure I will write to Dessein to know if he has sent any letters and his answer shall be addressed to Brussels
Well thought said Figgins we can do that from the next post
But stay sir said John I wish I might go to the postoffice though I dont believe his honour thinks me guilty
Guilty of what you foolish fellow said Figgins your master knows your fidelity—
Nor will the reader be at a loss how much to lay to the account of it when he is told that this was the very John who upon a former occasion rescued Lady Hazard and refused Dogbolts halfguinea
The last is not the only hint contained in this chapter to which I would have the reader minutely attend It may be necessary probably to revert to it in the course of the work but if it tend to any material circumstances that will more powerfully display themselves by being developed in their place I shall adhere to that rule I have in general set down for myself and only excite present curiosity to strengthen future gratification
ALL these circumstances together having confirmed Charles in his opinion that Figgins was a sincere friend John a faithful servant and Zekiel a great rogue our travellers took the road to Brussels and at the first stage our hero wrote to Mr Dessein as he had resolved
As I am writing the history of Charles Hazard and not a tour on the continent I shall trouble my readers with no more than such circumstances as immediately concern that young gentleman or lead to his affairs together with such minutiae as naturally produced them and such remarks as may serve for their elucidation
In conformity to these rules I shall only say that at Brussels nothing happened of consequence enough
for me to record except that Charles and Figgins became intimate with a young Frenchman named Combrie who had stollen a nun and married her This couple were glad enough to have escaped from France with safety without staying to accomplish a design which they had formed of getting the ladys fortune out of the hands of a trustee in which the church had placed it They were therefore little better off than in the possession of an unbounded stock of love and what money Mr Combrie who was the cadet of an honourable family had been able to procure from the fondness of a doating mother
Having however violated one of the most sacred laws of France by carrying a nun out of that kingdom the mettled Frenchman conceived he could incur but little more blame if he pushed his point so far as to take her fortune forcibly out of the hands of a litigeous procureur who had made use of the money to his own advantage for two years and eluded every attempt even of the clergy to get it from him
The man of the law was however too vigilant and circumspect for Combrie who being a novice in a matter which required so much wary caution and prudent resolution and besides too much
transported with his expected happiness he managed his plan so bunglingly that so far from succeeding with the procureur he had very nearly been defeated in his views concerning the lady
Though this couple loved each other with perhaps more tenderness for being without fortune yet most people agree and they could not but yield to the general opinion that money is a security for love especially after reflection takes place. Indeed being in a strange country from whence they must shortly for the sake of safety recede further they were not so blinded by their affection but they saw that their future prospects would be in a very doubtful way if some scheme was not hit upon to rescue the money before it could be confiscated for the use of the church
Combrie who had been at Brussels but a short time yet who was looked upon in consequence of his shyness as a very equivocal character saw plainly the danger of making a confident in that place and as an attempt at the recovery of his wifes fortune would be impracticable without a confederate or two taking a hint from the strong congeniality that appeared between the sentiments of our travellers and his own he fancied he should be safe atleast in their confidence even if they did
not lend him assistance Besides his affairs were very pressing and he doubted if his resolutions were not suddenly and effectually taken whether the allgrasping power of the church would not deprive him of every possible hope
Having no time to deliberate and being emboldened by the engaging freedom and true breeding of Charles and his friend he ventured without reserve to entrust them with his affairs into which our friends gave so freely that Figgins who the reader knows was no mean hand at a plot concerted one that it was agreed would infallibly succeed even without rendering either him or his friend liable to the smallest suspicion of being concerned in it
Full of their project the three friends set out leaving Madame Combrie in her apartments at Brussels but first sending Madame St Vivier before them to Sedan where she actually had business for as to themselves out of safety to Combrie they travelled to Nancy in Lorraine where lay the scene of action by the way of Luxembourg and in fact as much in Austria as possible till they should come to Metz where they were to hold their grand counsel of war Madame St Vivier however was not at all apprized of their business but only instructed
after she had accomplished hers to meet them at Nancy to which Sedan lies in the direct road
Without stopping to look at a single prospect building or even crucifix in the way I shall set down my travellers at Metz where by agreement they separated Charles and Figgins taking post horses for Nancy and Combrie jogging after them at his leisure upon his own horse not however till they had agreed whereabout they should find him in the suburbs near which place Combrie had a trusty friend who he was sure would give him every necessary assistance
Being arrived at Nancy they went to the convent of Chartreux where strangers especially of condition are for a short time treated gratis The members of this convent being all men of fortune and in general such as have retired from the world through disappointments at court are always charmed at the arrival of new guests whether their visits be owing to curiosity or necessity but they are particularly pleased with the English No wonder then that the superior when he understood that Charles was a young English nobleman and Figgins his governor that they had unexpectedly been deceived as to remittances from England and
therefore from actual necessity had intruded on their generous institution both for immediate succour and advice instantly signified—especially as their pretensions were corroborated by the testimony of letters of credit and recommendation and many other authentic documents—his warmest wishes to enter heartily into their interest They paid him a number of acknowledgments for his great civility to strangers and said they piqued themselves on their own sagacity which had pointed out the propriety of applying to a man of his piety as well as consequence upon such an occasion rather than run the risk of being imposed upon by an indiscriminate choice of a person to supply their present wants without an eligible recommendation
After this preface our travellers acquainted the superior that they wished his reference to some money negociator for a present supply who assuring them that it would give him particular pleasure to recommend them to some person who should treat them conscientiously mentioned his near relation Monsieur Goufre le procureur not however till he had expatiated on the wickedness of those usurious wretches who take advantage of the necessitous and oppress their fellow creatures under the idea of relieving them
Figgins said he had heard of one Monsieur Bancsec but the superior assured them they could not get into worse hands Charles said certainly it would be their interest to rely upon the superiors advice and begged the favour of a note to Monsieur Goufre This request was immediately complied with and our friends went their ways to the gentlemans house in question after thanking the kind recluse in terms of the warmest gratitude
Before however we introduce the reader to Monsieur Goufre it will not be inexpedient to say how Charles and his friend happened to get recommended to the very man who retained Madame Combries fortune
The reader has seen that he was a near relation to the superior of the Chartreux which was well known to Combrie and it will not appear extraordinary that this connection with the clergy should be the means of Monsieur Goufres being often employed in matters which concerned the church In fact the frequent litigations by friends of the deceased to recover monies conditionally left for charitable uses on one side and the assertion of the churchs right on the other had upon many occasions produced such a seesaw of interested altercation between the procureur and the superieur that matters
perfectly plain and clear in themselves, often wore an air of such mysterious embarrassment under such delusion as frittered large legacies into bills of expences which were cunningly snacked by the lawyer and the monk
One of these lucrative bones at which they had been a long time nibbling was Madame Combries fortune the perfect situation of which nay even the drawer in which it was deposited Figgins undertook to procure intelligence of to do which properly they had recourse to the superior and through him were resolved to attack the heart of his relation in that part where he was most vulnerable—for it was not true that they actually wanted money—and to give a colour to this it was no bad plan to seize an opportunity of taking the Chartreux by the outward symbol of his profession and make his charity which was counterfeit the instrument of his real confusion
Combrie being arrived in the Fauxbourg and informed of their resolves the moment came to put their design in execution Charles and Figgins waited on the procureur who after all the necessary difficulties which upon motion was to be removed by Monsieur Dessein agreed to accommodate them with what they should think necessary
for they had represented that they should change their route so often and probably from momentary inducements that it would be better to take up in specie as much as would serve for some months and leave in the hands of Monsieur Goufre travelling bills of Sir James Herries and other English bankers to the amount of the sum and the discount
Nothing retarded the payment of the money but waiting for a letter from Monsieur Dessein which at length arrived greatly to the satisfaction of all parties It spoke very handsomely of Charles and his friend and it is proper to mention that over and above the business of assuring Monsieur Goufre it mentioned that letters had been sent to Charles at Lisle on account of which he had written to Brussels and this confirmed Charles in his opinion of Zekiels treachery Figgins however made a different use of this circumstance greatly turning it to their present account for he proved very clearly that if those letters sent to Lisle had been received the application to Monsieur Goufre would have been unnecessary
During the interval between writing to Calais and receiving an answer Charles and Figgins had twice dined with the procureur and the latter had so
insinuated himself into his good graces that under pretence of enquiring into the practice of the French laws he wormed out of him almost all his affairs The endowments of the monasteries naturally came up in their conversation in which business he owned he was very much employed and one morning when they were talking in the countinghouse upon this subject the procureur said as he was locking up his bureau
here now is a pretty large fortune which has been lessened almost onefourth by litigation It belonged to a nun who has been lately stolen from a neighbouring monastry—there it is labelled and sealed up in notes upon the Caisse daccompte payable au porteur—and I have now a supreme order which I shall yield to next week—after I have made out my bill against it—to surrenderit to the Lady Abbess
Naturally guessing that nuns were not so frequently stolen but that her he had heard of must be Madame Combrie Figgins found his point so far gained and now the letter being arrived from Calais nothing remained but to receive their money
On the evening appointed for this business the procureur was invited by our travellers to a sumptuous entertainment at the Hotel DAngleterre—Before supper the ceremony of signing and sealing
was performed and after supper all was hilarity Figgins made the procureur harrangue Charles prevailed on him to squall several chansons a boire and Madame St Vivier who arrived at Nancy that very afternoon took him out to walk a minuet with her In short the votary of chicane having made a good bargain a good supper and fallen violently in love with Madame St Vivier did not notice how the hours wore and was at length after a good finishing dose carried to bed in a condition that laid him by the heels till ten oclock the next morning
IT was three hours after Monsieur Goufre went home before he discovered that any trick had been played him for I hope the reader does not suppose the supper was given for nothing He asked one of the clerks if any body had called while he was engaged the evening before and was answered nobody of any consequence but Father Benedick—
What Father Benedick said Goufre
Him said the clerk we sent to you at the Hotel DAngleterre and by whom you sent your keys with written orders to deliver the fortune belonging to the convent of our lady of the ascension
Written orders Keys cried the astonished procureur
But it is impossible here are my keys
Well sir these are the keys he brought said the clerk and here is the order surely we know your hand writing
Upon this Monsieur Goupe read in a faultering
accent and in a hand so like his own that he could himself find no difference
Let Father Benedick have the packet in the bureau labelled Money belonging to the convent of our lady of the ascension
As all the French dance well it is not wonderful that Monsieur Goufre had scarcely read these words when he took a chassee to the bureau where he discovered the nest without the bird caprioled back to the parlour for his hat and cane rigadooned to the door briseed out of it and in a new fashioned pas courant presently made an entre at the house of the general of the police There being joined by a proper number of figurants under the characters of sergeants du ville archets and pouse culs the procureur paraded at their head to the Hotel DAngleterre where to enrich the procession back again he entreated our hero Figgins and Madame St Vivier to perform a pas de trois
In plain English he fairly believed his pocked had been picked while he was asleep and that our travellers who were thieves had taken this method to rob him and having imparted these suspicions to the general of the police he obtained an order to bring the delinquents before him
A few words however served to convince that officer and even the procureur himself that his suspicions were groundless The clerk deposed that about seven oclock in the evening a person in the garb of a friar calling himself Father Benedick came to their house and said he had particular business with Monsieur Goufre relative to a certain fortune belonging to the convent of our lady of the ascension He represented that upon various pretences it had been so long kept out of the churchs hands that it was in agitation to procure a suspension of the procureurs employments if he should refuse immediately to deliver it He said it was pity Monsieur Goufre was not within for his authority was so powerful and decisive that if he returned it would be with force which he would willingly avoid The clerk said in consequence of these menaces he made no scruple of sending the supposed friar to his master who about a quarter before eight returned with Monsieur Goufres keys and a written order to deliver the fortune which was locked up in the bureau and which had a label similar to that described in the said written order The clerk swore he believed it to be the hand writing of his master and he was sure the keys were those his master then held in his hand
Mr Figgins here entreated that he might have permission to ask the procureur a few questions which request being complied with he said
Pray sir in whose company were you from half past six oclock till nine during which time this fraud is said to have been committed
Monsieur Goufre answered in his company—
Were you not said Figgins during that whole time in your sober senses
Perfectly answered the man of law
And now let me rouse your best recollection while I ask if in that very interval of time you were not talking of your extensive business of your property and indeed of this very fortune you now say you have lost but which you then bragged you had safely locked up as a proof of which you shewed us those very keys and at the very time as it should seem that your clerk was using them—which is a very likely story—to deliver that fortune up to a person he had never before seen
The poor procureur felt this unanswerable mode of reasoning most severely and the general of the police—whether other cases had induced him to doubt the veracity of Monsieur Goufre or whether he was conscious that Englishmen are constantly upon these occasions not those who dupe but those who
are duped—seemed to pay great attention to Figginss harrangue who seeing his advantage thought he could not do better than follow it up which he did in these words
Upon the whole it appears to me and so it shall to the English embassador that Monsieur Goufre having found in us a pretty freemilch cow as to some money transactions we have had together has fancied notwithstanding the documents we have produced that we could not make good our pretensions to rank and independency and therefore imagined we might be awed by the accusation of a sham robbery into a composition and this appears from many circumstances—What had we to do with this fortune Why were we to know in what place it lay Why have we been repeatedly shewn the key that locked it up Besides the matter has been so bunglingly managed that the clerk deposes that very key was sent at the individual time he himself confesses to have had it in his pocket Then he does not pretend to say that the hand writing is not like his but on the contrary so like that he should have taken it for his own But it was necessary this should be said because if the hand writing had not been exactly like his the clerk would have had no pretence whatever to have delivered the
fortune Again what was this same Father Benedick—and how had he got all this intelligence How insinuated himself into his pocket invisibly and conveyed away the keys during an interval of perhaps the only five minutes in an hour and a half that they had been trusted there without his hand upon them for their security but at any rate to make the story in the smallest degree colourable what connection had this supposed Father Benedick with them to lend the smallest probability to their being concerned in a transaction so very derogatory to their honour as gentlemen so totally unnecessary to their circumstances which Monsieur Goufre had taken care with the most scrupulous exactness to make himself master of—and so disgraceful to the name of Englishmen How had it been proved that they so far from knowing the friar in question had a single associate even of their own country—for both the clerks gave very clear testimony that Father Benedick spoke with an accent so pure and vernacular that they were sure he was a Frenchman and indeed so he was All these circumstances considered it was impossible this affair should be otherwise than a gross attempt—an event which occurred too frequently—to impose upon English credulity which however others
might pass over would not in the present instance be regarded in any light either trifling or pardonable on the contrary it would be found that men of character had been tampered with who were both able and willing to right themselves He therefore insisted for the sake of general justice and the honour of the English nation that the matter should be fully and publicly investigated to which and they would be content to submit to a temporary imprisonment provided Monsieur Goufre should be laid under the same restriction
The general of the police whou could not probably see that all this intelligence had been by the most subtle train of artful insinuation deliberately drawn from Goufre by Figgins with a view to forward the designs of Combrie—who the reader sees was father Benedick—had no manner of doubt but that every word he had heard was truth
His own private opinion indeed was that being in a short time to deliver up the fortune the procureur had conjured up the whole accusation to cover his embezzlement of the money As to the friar he had not the least doubt but that he was a real character procured probably by his relation the superior of the Chartreux who as we have said
was occasionally concerned with Mr Goufre in his law practices
In short he so well knew as he thought the trim of the business that he would not have hesitated to comply with the terms of Mr Figgins had he not had some very material objections to get rid of
In the first place he well knew that their knowledge of each others illicit conduct was mutual they had trod together the paths of oppression and it was their constant custom when either was likely to get into a scrape to call the other to his assistance In the present case however the procureur had previously sworn to the general of the police that he had actually been robbed and this was indeed the truth but matters—thanks to Figginss address—wore now so different an aspect that this seeming want of confidence quite exasperated him and nothing but his own actual safety made him hesitate a moment to take part against the procureur
Balancing thus between his conviction and his interest he thought proper to pursue a middle course He said as there had actually been nothing proved which had been alledged he could not answer sending to prison three persons one of
them a lady who had made so handsome a defence Monsieur Goufre had certainly in the first transports of his resentment done what he thought very justifiable but what upon reflection had neither certainty nor even probability to support it that it was plain he had been some way or other tricked how would very likely hereafter appear and if he had been too warm stung as he was at being deprived of a large deposite which it would cut deep into his fortune to make good those very traits of liberality on which that gentleman—meaning Figgins—had dwelt would he hoped induce him and his friend to overlook surely a very pardonable error
Charles said Monsieur Goufres mad manner of rectifying a mistake he thought deserved no lenity at their hands For his part he should detest the idea of patching up a matter that struck so hard in him at the honour of every young nobleman on his travels He should think if he passed by such a glaring impertinence every one of his English acquaintance ought to resent it He should therefore acquaint the English embassador who was his fathers particular friend of the whole business without the smallest reserve and if he must endure to have a hated liberty forced upon him he would at least let his inconvenience be what it might stay
in that town till not only himself and his friend should be handsomely cleared but till he who had the audacity to scandalize their characters should meet with his merited punishment So saying he gave the lady his hand and said if their forms would admit it he should chuse to go from that place but that he should be found at the Hotel DAngleterre till the matter was finally decided
They were followed out by the general of the police who whispered Figgins in the hall that he plainly saw Monsieur Goufre had done a rash thing but that it need not hinder them from pursuing their tour for if they would leave twenty guineas in his hands he would take care as much justice should be done to their honour as if they were present
In this I verily believe he spoke truth but Figgins cut him short with this reply
Sir If the law has any power over us use it now you have us in your custody if not the best of you shall have reason to repent this outrage and as to leaving twenty guineas in your hands I would do it with great pleasure were I not unluckily bound by a vow not to trust any Frenchman further than I can see him
The general of the police said it was a great pity so good an opportunity should be lost and added that perhaps the young gentleman was not bound by the vow
Charles said he was always bound by the determinations of his governor especially when they went to a prevention of his being duped
The general of the police not thinking fit to urge the matter any farther after many reverences retired to the procureur after which our travellers departed first giving the officers of justice something to drink
Monsieur Goufre was found by his friend in a state of distraction The latter however believed it all put on and began very severely to upbraid him with his duplicity and to blame him for having made such a fool of himself
The procureur swore that he had been robbed and was ruined and confirmed the oath with a hundred others He was unfortunate enough however to gain no manner of credit on the contrary the general of the police told him in so many words that since he was above placing confidence in his
friends he sincerely wished the Englishmen might trounce him
This introduced a warm bout at alternate recrimination till at length both became cool and they determined in conjunction with the superior of the Chartreux to take an early opportunity of deliberating on the most expedient means to get out of such a disagreeable scrape
MADAME St Vivier had not the smallest idea that her companions really knew any thing of the fraud She had acted her part to perfection the night before as to making Monsieur Goufre drunk and ridiculous but was ignorant that the trick went any further than getting good terms from him as to the money that was borrowed neither had a syllable of the situation of Madame Combrie been explained to her for it is natural to suppose our travellers did not so sin against good breeding as to introduce such a character into that ladys company She might be sent purposely to Dover and probably was intended to be played off as a corps de reserve upon our hero but when no direct outrage on propriety was necessary Mr Figgins was too great a general to call in assistance when every thing went on even beyond his wishes But how beyond his wishes Patience dear reader I would not have you know
what is brewing just at present for any consideration Attend then and let the fruit of your curiosity ripen by degrees nor—that it may have the better relish—wish to gather it till it shall be ready to drop into your hand
Four or five days after the affair of the general of the police the procureur waited on our travellers with great deference and respect and informed them that he had received a letter which had satisfied him in every point relative to the fraud He therefore acquitted them so heartily of any concern in that matter that he appeared extremely shocked at his conduct and said he would publish their innocence coupled with any acknowledgment of his own by way of concession that they should think proper to dictate As to himself he had the pleasure to inform them that as it was now known he had not been to blame at the mediation of his relation the superior of the Chartreux and his friend the general of the police the chapter of the convent to which the money was due had remitted the payment of it till his death provided he would then add the interest of it and an additional bequest of ten thousand crowns
The letter to Monsieur Goufre was as follows—
Lest your clerks or any other innocent persons should suffer under the suspicion of having taken from your bureau that fortune which in justice and equity is mine in right of my wife I write this to acquaint you that on Friday evening last about seven oclock I called at your house habited like a friar and under the name of Father Benedick demanded the fortune in your hands belonging to the convent of our lady of the ascension intimating that if I did not see you be where you might I should return prepared to compel you to resign it Your clerks referred me to you at the Hotel DAngleterre from whence I feigned to return at about a quarter before eight bringing with me a written order as if from you—a duplicate of which I have enclosed to shew you how well I counterfeited your hand writing—and a bunch of keys one of which opened your bureau One of your clerks so completely imposed upon naturally gave me what I wanted I immediately departed derobed myself of my holy accoutrements mounted my horse and rode through byeways till I arrived at Rouen
—first taking care to touch the Argent Comptant which as you know I was easily enable to do as the whole fortune was in notes on the Caisse daccompte at Paris payable au porteur—from whence when I shall have put this letter in the post a vessel will carry me to Guernsey and before it can reach you I shall be in England
It may not be amiss to tell you that the key which opened your bureau I caused to be made from your own for which purpose I took care to be very much about you before I stole my dear Araminta from her hypocritical directress I knew it always accompanied four others the size of which did not escape my notice two of them open chests one a small cabinet and the least a casket
All these matters lent such strong probability to my story with which my holy garb so well agreed—a garb which was never used to a worthier purpose—that it was impossible for me not to succeed
If this confession will do you any good with the church you are welcome to make what use of it you think proper As to myself I shall glory in its publication for I am sure the money
that serves to maintain an honest pair whose views are honourable and their actions exemplary—but more especially as that money is their right—is more worthily nay more religiously applied than in fattening and encouraging in licentiousness those slothful drones who as you and I know shut themselves up from the world not to cherish holiness but to hide profligacy
From Yours c COMBRIE
This letter which speaks so plain completes the account of Figginss scheme which I have thus piecemeal explained to the reader The circumstance of the keys which was a fact together with the knack which Combrie had of imitating Goufres hand writing—which indeed is not difficult for almost all Frenchmen write alike—gave a hint of it and the idea of an application to the superior of the Chartreux and all those concurrent circumstances which we have seen so well managed could not fail to crown it with success
This history then has so far acted in its customary province as to make one couple happy already How long they are to continue so it is not impossible
but we may hereafter have occasion to notice
It will easily be seen that this affair ended greatly to the honour of our travellers who in consequence attracted the notice of all the English who then resided at Nancy Among the rest they were visited by a gentleman whose company as a plain straightforward wellmeaning man was very agreeable to them He served admirably well to make one at a party of whist and for a cursory acquaintance really was not without his merit
A very short time however let them into the character of this new acquaintance whose name was Ireland for one night being at whist with Mr Figgins for his partner Charles was so tantalized into betting and confused off his guard that he got up from the table an hundred and fifty pounds loser in spight of all the hints and expostulations of Figgins who only played for crowns
The next day he heard from undoubted authority that Mr Ireland was an errant sharper and had escaped from England after killing a gentleman in a duel who had dared to tax him publicly with a palpable fraud
This loss however had one good effect upon our hero for he made a most solemn vow never again to lose five pounds at one sitting which resolution he inviolably kept to the day of his death
I have said very little of Charless continual disappointments at not receiving letters from his father or indeed any body else since his departure from England The truth is that it gave him inexpressible concern and occasioned from him many and various remonstrances which were apparently very little heeded
Figgins testified as much uneasiness as our hero but upon this as well as every other subject he comforted him by a variety of arguments He said it very often occurred that people on a tour missed of their letters though at length they came safely to hand that at Nancy for example, it was sometimes three weeks before a man could write a letter and receive an answer to it and this inconvenience would encrease in proportion as they went farther There was no doubt he said but every thing would fall upon its legs and the letters would all come together in a lump and he cheerfully agreed to wait at Lyons till every proper explanation could be mutually exchanged not only as to Charles and his father but every other correspondent
This kind accommodation in Figgins gave our hero great pleasure He had really at times felt very unpleasantly on this subject and though he could account for his disappointment at Lisle yet more than two months had elapsed since that time during which interval he had repeatedly written in such a full and satisfactory manner that he could not bear to reflect on the parting between him and his father and at the same time hold in mind that all his attempts to learn the state of that amiable parents mind were continually baffled He knew not what might have happened in his absence he had dreaded to leave him nay he would not think on the subject it was dreadful to him yet he could not give a reason for it Who knew but the letters received at Lisle since he had heard nothing afterwards might give an account of an unfavourable alteration in his fathers health perhaps they contained a tender injunction to come and close the dying eyes of an indulgent parent perhaps he was then dead and the letters were from friends who gave him the melancholy news which his perfidious brother had received with a triumphant and cruel joy
Reflections like these greatly embittered the enjoyments of our hero and though I have not thought it necessary to present the reader with any
thing but the agreeable side of the picture yet it is certainly true that Charles had his moments when he felt very severe and bitter unhappiness nay he had once very nearly determined to return to Calais the better to investigate this unpleasant business though the natural gaiety and I will say honesty of his disposition prevented his particular griefs from interfering with pleasures in which others were concerned What wonder then if the kind consoling advice of Figgins kept his mind in that tranquillity which made it impossible for an unconcerned person to penetrate his chagrin
I have conceived it necessary to say thus much lest the reader should think our hero had in imitation of some other heroes left his feeling in his own country and that his foreign freaks—every one of which I undertake to contend had a defensible motive—were merely the common effect of that fashionable conceit and supercilious levity which are the qualities the French have in general a right to take as a sample of English manners
All affairs at Nancy being properly settled Charles began to be very impatient for their departure to Lyons Before they set out however he drew up a recapitulation of all his other letters to which he added many earnest entreaties and
that it might be sure to go safe entrusted it to the care of Figgins himself who insisted upon putting it in the post office swearing he began to suspect every body and when he returned said that Master John should not be so confidently trusted for the future
Why so said Charles
Nay no great matter answered Figgins
I begin to have my suspicions of him but perhaps these devils of women have corrupted him
Charles asked his friend what induced his suspicions Figgins said
I caught the rascal in a lie that is all which I cannot bear Damme if there is so pimping a thing upon earth as an unnecessary lie
From a person in whom you place confidence said Charles there cannot be a crime of such magnitude As death is better than torture so open enmity is better than hidden deceit Even a trifling lie in such circumstances may conceal the most tremendous consequences For my part I look upon plain integrity to be so positively essential in the composition of a friend that though I were one mass of imperfections I would forgive the continual reiteration of them both to myself and the world rather than they should be hyperbolically glossed over On the contrary if I thought the man I
trusted could even meditate a wish to deceive me let my partiality be what it might I would tear him from my heart even though it should burst in making the effort
Figgins who had eyed our hero with extraordinary tokens of amazement while he animatedly pronounced these words first looked pale then red but recovered however in time to put in for his share of this honest opinion and after an eulogium on Charless way of thinking and reflecting on John who alone he chose to understand as the person all this warmth was levelled at he finished his remark with
Damn the fellow I should be sorry to find him a rascal for I have a regard for him
Charles certainly had no particular meaning in the words he had uttered but his disappointment at not hearing from his father gave him occasionally a kind of peevish discontent as if he found somebody had deceived him though he knew not who As a proof that he had not the smallest mistrust of Figgins he entrusted him as we have just seen with his letter to put in the post office yet he was scarcely gone but he wished he had taken it himself though he sincerely believed this wish a tacit though an involuntary injustice to his friend
The contents of his letter next were gone over in his mind in which he found nothing but a repetition of disappointments that for ought he knew would be rewarded with new ones especially as he was confident in his own mind they originated in some secret cause which he had not been nor should ever be perhaps able to penetrate In this trim of thinking when Figgins returned and dropt those hints concerning John out came the very soul of our hero and so it would have done had his own ruin been the consequence
Figgins—for what reason perhaps the reader may conceive—verily believed this thrust was at him and though he not only saw he had well parried it but as he firmly believed disarmed his young friend of all suspicion yet he feared that should he take in his head to arm himself frequently with these impatient doubts as he did not want for skill in these sort of conflicts he Figgins might one day or other receive such a hit as might prove a mortal stab to all his hopes of bringing those schemes to bear which he certainly for some reason or other was concerting for though I have constantly allowed that Charles was credulous he could not be grossly imposed upon and no man knew this better than Figgins who with all his management would not have been able easily to gain his ends which
were now—though the reader as I have said must wait with patience to know how—nearly accomplished had not a series of unexpected events concurred to give him a helping hand
OUR travellers arrived at Lyons after a safe and pleasant journey They visited every thing curious were frequently at the play made acquaintance with men of condition and taste and in short here as in other places availed themselves of every opportunity of improvement thus fulfilling the real purposes of travelling
These matters however I have even less time to particularize here than I had heretofore and therefore shall leave to the readers imagination what was the employment of a young man and his governor who were really ambitious of returning home with as much knowledge as they could pick up but which acquisition Charles in particular—as the reader shall hear—became possessed of more than he wished
Our hero walking one day in a field beyond the ramparts was meditating on a small book in the
midst of a grove when he heard behind him a rustling Directing his eyes to the place from whence the noise issued he saw two men very warmly attacking each other with drawn swords In the impetuosity of his first sensations he bounded like a fawn to the place and drawing to part the combatants one of them like Mercutio was hurt under our heros arm He faultered out
Oh Jesu Je suis mort
and fell down
Charles was so dreadfully shocked at this accident that he thought of nothing but endeavouring to succour the wounded person on which charitable employ he was so intent that he did not pay the smallest regard to the other who upon seeing his antagonist drop fled with the fwiftest precipitation
A moments recollection convinced our hero that he was in a most singularly perilous situation The poor wounded wretch seemed to be dying and every circumstance would serve to make it believed that he was the murderer Nevertheless his strong humanity so prevailed over his prudence that he ran without the wood and holloed to the centinel upon the ramparts for help telling him there was a man dangerously wounded
Several gentlemen who were walking on the ramparts presently came up to whom Charles related but not without much confusion—for he was most exceedingly affected—the whole matter as it had passed Unfortunately his relation gained very little credit They all knew the nature of duelling and naturally imagined a prudent person would upon such an occasion go another way rather than interfere with two men who were agreed upon fairly deciding a quarrel by the law of arms
Charles was astonished when he understood their suspicions and could not help asking with some disdain whether the French always requited the good offices of strangers in the same manner One or two of the gentlemen took heat at this and said he should answer every thing at large before the general of the police
Charles treated their menaces with perfect indifference relying upon the testimony of the dying man who however left his protector in the lurch for after an ineffectual attempt to speak he pointed to Charles and falling backward expired
This action was universally allowed to have been intended as a sign to distinguish the murderer and what strongly corroborated the general opinion was
our heros sword which was very much stained with blood It was in vain that he accounted very naturally for this circumstance by saying that when he first saw the dead man fall he abandoned his sword the better to lend him assistance and that of course as it lay the blood which ran in a stream had fallen upon it
This was construed into cunning and art In short the guard arrived and he was conducted to the house of the general of the police comforted however with
Courage on pardon en France un coup de vivacite
In spight however of these comfortable tidings Figgins who had been waiting for our hero to breakfast at their inn was very soon summoned to breakfast with him in prison
Figgins insisted upon it in the strongest terms that it was impossible his friend could be concerned in this business otherwise than as an accidental mediator The gentleman who had fallen was a man of some consideration resident in that place where Charles was an absolute stranger and had not the smallest acquaintance He offered to swear that till this unhappy morning he had never been a single ten minutes out of his company since his arrival in Lyons and how could so serious a quarrel have engendered without previous malice—without
the smallest acquaintance with the unfortunate person or even knowledge that any such man had existence He maintained there was not upon earth a less turbulent spirit than his friend that his disposition was the sweetest mildest most benignant in the world that there could not be in nature a more benevolent heart He would answer with his life that was the fact as they suspected his young friend had not the soul to be guilty of such low such treacherous baseness as to disown it On the contrary as no laws were so lenient as to accidental rencounters as those of France so far from denying what had happened he would feel enough at having been the destruction of a fellow creature however unintentionally without adding guilt to misfortune by excusing himself at the expence of a wilful lie
Besides these arguments Figgins insisted that they had not consulted even common probability in this business His friend had averred that the murderer fled Who was he then No people were so remarkably provident as to who went and came as the French Let the book of the general of the police be consulted and see who had retired from the town If he was a settler it would easily be known if a stranger intelligence of him might be gathered at the place where he lodged As to the
action of the dying man he was assured it had been intended to point out his friend as one who had endeavoured to preserve him In short he said let the matter but have time and be maturely investigated and he would resign himself as an accomplice and willingly await the same fate staking his own life upon the issue of his friends innocence
This manly and noble speech which was made in presence of some of the most considerable people of Lyons had its effect It was warmly agreed even by the relations of the deceased—who by the bye got a fortune by his death—that every thing ought to be well considered Accordingly the term of six weeks was fixed to make all the necessary enquiries at which time it was intended if nothing happened to exculpate our hero that he should be brought to trial
It was now the business of Figgins to alleviate as much as possible the distresses of his friend—he had however very little comfort for him It had been found that a stranger had actually absconded on the very morning this sad affair happened but as the inland towns in France are not so particular as to mere strangers as the seaports he could not learn his name He asked Charles if he
had no idea who the murderer was Charles said he had scarcely given him a single look so instantaneously was the mischief done and that from that moment he had not seen him at all his whole care having been directed towards the dying man but notwithstanding all these disadvantages he was sure he had somewhere seen him though it was then utterly out of his power to recollect when or where
In a few days after the imprisonment of our hero Figgins came to him and said he was greatly afraid there was some damned plot in the business for that the women were gone off and had taken John with them
What plot can there be said Charles
In this situation they are tired of us and resolved to shift for themselves a very common resolution for creatures of their stamp
True said Figgins but how will you reconcile the conduct of Mr John I will tell you what has lately struck me
What said Charles
Why answered Figgins that this same Madame St Vivier is known to Mrs OShocknesy and if so there is no mischief however detestable but you may apprehend That woman has the hypocrisy of • crocodile the heart of a tygress and the malic•
of the devil She delights in mischief it seems to be as requisite to her existence as food there is not such an infernal succubus in human nature and may I be damned—for our friend Figgins would sometimes swear—if it were my fate to chuse whether to encounter the anger of a hungry lion or groan under the influence of a plot against me prepared and inflicted by that she fiend if I would not trust the claws of old Leo rather than the diabolical fangs of Mother OShocknesy
Now you may remember continued Figgins I caught Master John in a lie It was this—Kitty had told me she had seen this gentleman of ours very busily employed in a familiar conversation at Lisle with that fellow of your brothers Flush whom by the way I never liked—indeed I know Mr Standfast turned him off on account of his attachment to Mrs ODevil Why Mrs Kitty told me this I remember I thought very odd at the time but catching from it at the moment an idea concerning the embezzlement of the letters I with more bluntness than wit taxed the gentleman with his intimate acquaintance with Mr Flush which he denied and which Kitty confirmed to his face It was this determined me to take your letters myself and this has kept me ever since upon my guard as to this fellow
and finding now which way he inclines it is more than possible he has been a rascal all along and that even the halfguinea he refused from Sir Daniel Dogbolt was a feint through which he acted according to his instructions
Charles said he had never correctly understood that business or what it alluded to nor had he known more than that some difference had happened between his father and mother which had been happily adjusted through the mediation of Mr Standfast
Figgins said when his mind could bear the relation he would acquaint him with all the particulars exactly as it had been related by my lord to the surgeon at the John of Gaunts Head and who he said had spight of all Standfasts care not preserved the secret so sacredly as a man of his profession ought This however did not happen to be the truth for it was through Mr Standfast and no other person that Mr Figgins came by his intelligence
But said Figgins to finish with this dear harmless lady whom I so dearly love if she has any hand in your affairs you may be assured it will be productive of mischief to you both in England and here
Charles said he had no doubt of the gentlewomans kind offices but yet he saw no harm that could come of them for his father was pretty well upon his guard against her and as to his own conduct it was he flattered himself at least in material points not such as to merit reproach
All I wish said he is to hear from my dear father if he remain safe from the malice of our enemies I will forgive every thing they can do to me
This subject however was never out of Figginss mouth and indeed though nothing could be managed with more cautious delicacy one would think he had an inclination to sink his friends spirits till he should be inclined to save the trouble of a public trial by hanging himself in his prison
All this however was not sufficient to damp the spirits of our hero though I must own his situation seemed a good deal to tire his patience He had so invariably adhered to those principles which at his outset in life he had so invariably laid down for himself that conscious of his own innocent intentions he did not believe it possible that he could sink under the weight of injustice He therefore entreated his friend—who as the trial approached put on looks more and more rueful—to make himself easy
How can I said Figgins All the
devils in hell one would think conspire against you I declare to God to see virtue like yours so oppressed is enough to make one curse ones being and wish rather to be the vilest reptile than a human creature
And then would he enumerate the damned things as he called them that had fallen out to thwart the good intentions of our hero and these would he follow up with his apprehensions for his safety then cut a little out of the way to take a wipe at that fury in petticoats Mrs OShocknesy then curse then hope then shudder then admire again the fortitude of his friend and then exclaim that in such an infernal world as this it was not worth while to be virtuous for that none but rascals were happy
It was about two days before the trial when he had one morning wound up or rather let down our hero by similar remarks to these that he undertook to go through the whole business of Miss Snaffle with all its consequences which really shocked Charles to such a degree that his spirits were scarcely able to bear it Seeing this Figgins cursed himself for his inconsiderate rashness Said he
My unconquerable friendship makes me a fool and in proportion as you are oppressed you so creep into my heart that out of complaisance to your curiosity I do the very things which unman
you when—if like other men I had more art than honesty—I should try to render you callous to your fate rather than melt you into almost a desire to meet it But come Charles added he embracing him I will stand by you nobly and if you must fall you shall not want a friend to revenge you
In this delightful mood did this kind friend permit Charles to remain for that day On the next he entered his friends apartment with a most cheerful countenance saying there was longlookedfor come at last and with these words presented a packet of letters which he said were just arrived by the post but that was not all another parcel had been left at their bankers which he supposed contained the whole of his fathers letters ever since he left England
Charles who had hastily catched at the first letter that came to his hand opened it and found it from Sir Sidney He wondered to see it begin with Sir but getting to the second line while Figgins was uttering those last words which he did not hear he exclaimed
Merciful God
—and fainted away
Assistance was summoned and he recovered when having raved himself almost into another
swoon he became stupid with horror At length he grew more calm and being entreated by his friend to bear his fortunes like a man he gathered composure enough to read the following words
It is my duty to inform you—though I scarcely think it will give you any pain—that your father is no more He died suddenly—Rumour will too soon tell you how but shudder to think that your excesses have shortened his life
Those excesses which are, at your age and for the short time in which you have committed them the most shocking that ever were heard of have been but too well authenticated to us therefore upon no account will I either see you or hear from you
You are willed by your exasperated and unhappy father—who had not the heart to alter his first intentions—your mothers jointure which is thirteen hundred a year and the interest of nine
thousand pounds both for your life I am sole executor but as I am firmly resolved to have no sort of communication with you Mr Balance will honourably negociate this business
My determinations are unalterable therefore all attempts to deter me from them will be useless
Do I live Am I awake cried Charles staring wildly
My excesses shortened my fathers life What have I done Heavenly God I shall go distracted
Mrs OShocknesy said Figgins
Did I not tell you so She saw the fathers life hung on his son and like a merciless damned harpy as she is slandered away the reputation of one to destroy the existence of the other I am sure of it I would stake my soul that it is a fact
Alas my poor father said Charles how properly is this a sequel to the wretched business of yesterday But I to be the cause of his death I who would have given a thousand lives—infamous as I am—to save his Oh my forboding heart why did I part from him But he could
not believe it What are my villanies Is it my crime or my virtue that has brought me here Surely surely thus attacked Innocence may defend itself
Yours is immaculate said Figgins and I will maintain it nor indeed will any body doubt it when we come to England The villany has reached its consummation all its purposes are effected It will be easily found a mistake it will be palliated glossed over but how will it bring your father from the grave But come we have need of all our senses at this moment let us collect them manfully we have no guilt to sink us whatever our accusers may Come Charles resolution man I have been the partner of your guilt I will be the partner of your revenge Let us see what comes next this is from Mr Standfast Shall I read it
Charles assented by a nod and Figgins read thus
As you have made yourself the public talk of this kingdom as your father through
you has
—What said Figgins—
destroyed himself
—Great God said Charles
and after a pause in which both lifted up their eyes and hands to heaven he went on
you will not wonder for the sake of my character that I have done with you Yet in consideration of my pains and care in your youth—which indeed I little thought would be so required—I will take this last opportunity to wring your heart for lenitives I find have spoilt you that you may if yet there remain in it a single spark of sensibility awake to a sense of your wickedness though complicated and atrocious as it is no hopes can be entertained of your repentance
Damnation said Figgins I have not common patience the people are all mad A man would swear we had began the moment we left London by robbing upon the high way and that as soon as we arrived in France we enrolled ourselves members of a banditti
Charles looked vacantly wretched and Figgins continued
But what will the task avail of setting the black catalogue—
Horrid black indeed said Figgins—
of your crimes before you I shall only feast your eyes on what has given you so much pleasure and thus the contemplation
of those seducing facts may stimulate you to a commission of others if possible still more daring to shew that you know how to attain perfection in villany Nevertheless as your fathers bounty has so largely reached me in return for the unwearied pains I took to render you an accomplished and worthy member of society I will make this one effort towards your conversion
Charitable creature said Figgins Where has Mr Standfast picked up so much scrupulosity I thought his maxims were to allow a broad liberty of conscience Zounds one would think he had fallen in love with Mrs OShocknesy But let us come to the catalogue
First then would not one think that you determined to set honesty honour and even decency at defiance to debase yourself whose character was really high in the worlds estimation and raise your brother who had so foolishly borne himself as to be indifferently thought of by that wanton unnecessary theft at Calais which your brother shocked at such conduct so handsomely repaired
Well this is master stroke the first said Figgins
Why at this rate Charles your fortune to be understood must like a witches spell be read backwards Poor Standfast I thought he knew mankind better
Next who will believe but the unmanly attack upon your brothers life at Lisle after introducing him into company to ridicule and exasperate him was concerted that you might become heir to your fathers title and fortune Indeed nothing can be so clear for in France the murder would have been considered as a rencounter and in England it would not have been punishable
Well argued Master Standfast said Figgins Why he is an altered man I am cursedly mistaken if he did not practise in his youth very nearly as bad actions as those of which he only accuses you and yet I believe this is the first time he ever preached upon such a subject
—This is deep laid villany indeed said Charles but go on Mr Figgins
As to your next material crime—for I shall pass over what may with propriety be pardonable on the score of youth and inexperience
—very civil upon my soul said Figgins—
what could
induce you to do the very thing of all others which was most likely to incense Sir Sidney Roebuck
—Ay said Figgins what could that be—
to assist in stealing a nun from a convent
—Whew said Figgins What is our civility to honest Combrie so construed And yet damme if this same Mr Standfast did not steal a nun upon his own account in his youth and if report says true she broke her heart through his ill usage But against himself he would have you believe report tells lies Why then is it to be believed against his friend But one man may steal a horse—Never mind it Charles—you have been rascally treated indeed
To assist in stealing a nun from a convent must of course prove an immoveable bar to his farther favour Had not his own virtue resisted the same action in his youth the mother of Annette might have been now his wife for then perhaps she would not have pined herself to death for love of him in her retirement
Here I believe said Charles he speaks truth and had I been guilty of this crime Sir Sidney would never have pardoned it
But mark said Figgins what a curious gentleman Mr Stand fast is He takes a lie establishes it as a fact
and then argues upon it as if it were truth But let us proceed Oh how a man might preach upon the folly and credulity of mankind and take his text from this letter
As to your stealing this ladys fortune it is certainly no more than a compound of the last crime but that does not lessen its magnitude—Thoughtless boy how could you have the bold audacity to set yourself against the jealous laws both civil and religious of such a kingdom as France In this business I find Mr Figgins chose to cut a great figure
—Oh I am glad to find I am brought in at last Indeed I cut as great a figure at one place as another except indeed the robbery at Calais which this villanous Charles Hazard chose to conceal even from me to preserve a false delicacy to a rascally brother who in return for saving him from the gallows has connived with his infernal mother to load him with unmerited infamy—
But I shall write to him upon the subject
And he will answer you Mr Standfast said Figgins
In the mean time I shall only say that your conduct was madness and your motive infamous for though what you did could not be wholly excused it might in some degree have admitted of palliation had
you been actuated only by a disinterested generosity to your principal but stipulating for terms with him and receiving a part of the money as the price of your iniquity confirms the principles of villany in you so fully that volumes of the best precepts and ages of the best examples I fear could not reclaim you
Why no Mr Standfast cried Figgins I do not think they could for what signifies washing any thing white that is pure already Damned damned mischievious cat added Figgins and then went on
I hope you felt your loss of five hundred pounds at cards as a judgment on you
Well said exclaimed Figgins truly parsonic Mr Standfasts belief is like his barn it swallows any thing.'
The reflection that the man who plundered you is a proscribed character and murder his crime perhaps first induced your acquaintance and afterwards how could hearts so congenial avoid a society with each other—
This is saucily impudent indeed said Charles
Damnably so said Figgins and went on
—But let it mortify you to reflect that you were not to enjoy the fruits of your wickedness but that it was to be wrested from you by your superior in subtilty though not in crime for the purpose of squandering it upon your own harlot who nows revels with him and laughs at you and who such is the certain dependance of one bad character upon another robbed and deserted you at Lyons upon finding you committed to prison for murder
Why then said Figgins by Mr Standfasts confession I am a good character for I will never desert you But how did he discover this last business of Madame St Vivier for even I had not the heart to tell it you In short my friend she has lain her hands on every thing which is the more unlucky as these French counsellors will not—nor indeed will any others—plead without fees But let us finish this letter and talk of these matters afterwards
May you escape the punishment due to that crime and every other and live to merit by
your contrition if not the praise yet the pity of all good men
The date of which charitable epoch I suppose Mr Standfast is to appoint said Figgins
Be assured that nothing but a confession of your crimes and a sincere repentance of them can restore you to the countenance though I am afraid nothing can to the hearts of your friends—But do not be so mistaken as to attempt a defence of your actions there are too many witnesses against you even your own servant whose whole life upon proof has been blameless shocked at so many repetitions of your unprincipled conduct has left you even without demanding his due lest he should be thought to have received though not guiltily the wages of iniquity
There is a precious rascal for you said Figgins I can only say for a man that pretends to know the world I never saw such a dupe as Mr Standfast in the whole course of my life
In short this is the sum of all Your father is dead you are—though he fell by his own hand—virtually his executioner your brother has take
possession of the title and estate your mistress is promised to another and thanks to your own villany you have not a friend in the world May God turn your heart and make you more worthy the regard of others as well as
WELL by heaven said Figgins as he folded up Mr Standfasts letter this is the most consummate piece of cruel treachery that surely ever was concerted I could gnaw my flesh And then this last business To practise on the inexperience of your mistress Damned mixture of stupid credulous folly and ignorant obstinate pride I suppose they intend to marry her to your brother
I believe they do not know themselves what they intend said Charles This I know that they have given me a very grounded though a very early conviction that there is not upon the face of nature so contemptible a being as a human creature and I am strongly convinced that should the event as to my present situation turn out favourably—which I am perfectly careless about—though I hope I shall love benevolence as much as ever I shall hereafter look with an eye
of distrust on every man whom I have not proved yet not superficially but from that sort of thorough conviction which you have given me—to be my friend
I thank you sir said Figgins for a compliment which I hope I shall deserve But you will give me leave to say that I am astonished at the tranquillity with which you receive all these unmerited affronts I expected—though I rejoice to find it otherwise—that such a complication of invidious calumny would have almost turned your brain
—and in this Mr Figgins spoke truth for he did so expect—
and especially this last blow concerning your mistress
The very number and weight of these slanders said Charles are what makes me sit down perfectly easy under them I was in a flattering dream as to the world and fondly fancied myself in the midst of generous friends who till I left my native country were willing to give me credit for any little merit I possessed and anxiously studious to find a venial motive for any indiscretion But this present moment convinces me I was mistaken their discernment as to my real character was so shallow that it is plain they laid up every little trait of youthful folly to ground
a falacious argument upon which they now believe to be solid reason This cooperating with the most unworthy and unheard of treachery they have given me up as a profligate and an abandoned character impossible to be reclaimed and this calumny from a quarter they all detest—which common reflection must call impossible and a lie—is cherished warmly zealously cherished to the utter reprobation of him for whom they pretend a friendship To whom then does the reprobation really belong Does it not recoil on themselves And what compliment should I pay myself by calling that man my friend who is so ready blindly ignorantly unfeelingly to think me the worst villain that ever infested the earth Perhaps they did not know that I do possess one quality in as strong but I hope as honest a degree at least as any of them If I do not flatter myself my pride is of the right sort and it shall not bend to the least explanation till I have received a concession from those who have injured me No no Figgins an emperor shall not trample upon me and by all that is sacred I will see contrition in my enemies before I deign to communicate with them
My noble friend cried Figgins
Let me finish said Charles As to Annette she is a
beautiful girl and I love her better than any woman I ever saw or rather what I feel for her is more like love than I have felt for any other but I never could flatter myself we should ever be united there was always a something about my mind that forbade me to think of it As matters are I will forget her for though I am convinced this prohibition—so perverse is human nature—would soon were I to give way to it make a fool of me yet it shall not be for I will not love her dishonourably and as to marriage I do not love the world so well as to bring its cares upon my head
Figgins expressed more amazement at this calm easy resolute good sense as he was pleased to call it than at the rest and then they proceeded to a third letter which proved to be from Mr Gloss It contained these words
I must begin my letter in the true mercantile style by saying that my first twelve
epistles not being honoured I send this my thirteenth c c
Jesting apart my good friend you are the strangest model of eccentricity that ever let inconsistency run away with reason
What schooled on all sides said Figgins
For my own part I neither see the satisfaction nor the good sense in suffering all your friends to write so repeatedly without deigning to answer their favours nor how a man can be so infatuatedly sunk in the delirium of idle pleasures—which are to be sure well enough in their season—as to neglect the much more important duties of friendship and relative affection
I need not tell you for you must have received them that nearly thirty letters from your father and others have been sent you
These are some of them I suppose said Figgins
At present indeed answers would be of little avail for your father has shot himself
—Delicately announced said Figgins—
and all your friends have turned their backs upon you yet on the score of the many shining qualities you certainly possess those engaging manners those bewitching attractions and that dawning reason which
was for your years so decisive and manly you may command my friendship as far as one gentleman ought to assist another—
On the score of all these considerations said Figgins you had better upon my soul Mr Gloss let him command your polite and therefore unmeaning friendship on the score that is between you and then he would receive about three hundred pounds which you borrowed of him in driblets But let us see further
—Though I greatly fear even my influence with Sir Sidney—for he does me justice—cannot restore you to his good opinion
His influence said Charles
However as I mean to vote with him in parliament—for you know I told you some time ago by letter that I was returned for the borough of Bray—
The devil you were cried Figgins
you may be assured I shall willingly embrace every honourable opportunity of offering you my service You know my candour and my consideration for my friends The first induces me to tell you without hesitation that the baronet has promised me his lovely daughter
So so said Figgins
and the latter that I could not be prevailed upon to
accede to otherwise so desirable a proposal till he assured me in so many words he would never speak to you again
Which said Figgins you very probably requested as a favour
Pray write to me and if there be any thing I can with propriety do to serve you either with government or privately you may in all worthy matters command
My dear Sir
Your truly devoted servant GEORGE GLOSS
Here is another precious member of the human community said Charles
Sir said Figgins what I have heard and seen today baffles my whole experience; and, for the future I will not believe that because I see a man do a good or a sensible thing that he will not do a wicked or a stupid one but on the contrary expect to see him turn about and exhibit that various pitiable contemptible figure that the best and the wisest I find are too apt to represent
To be sure there is one thing in their favour Nobody has it is plain received any letters from
you
But good God said Charles is it not very plain to be seen how all this has come about Has not the very rascal prevented it who has gone over to bear false witness against me
True cried Figgins and then which way shall we reconcile to the wisdom of Mr Standfast or the goodness of Sir Sidney so hasty a belief of such slander against one of whom it has been their pride to have had such a good opinion
If their conduct be goodness and wisdom said Charles it is both superficial and supererogate There is not common sense in it and I am sure there is not common good manners for what virtue is that which condemns unheard—and what modesty that has the presumption to punish without the right What are my actions after all to these people Am I dependant on them No I thank God I am not nor will I ever call one of them my friend nay nor any man upon earth who shall be bold enough to scrutinize my intentions No my will my desires my conduct shall be my own and if I cannot make friendship upon any other terms I would rather be alone in the world with integrity of heart than give colour by my intimacy to their suspicions who have dared to think me a villain
Admirably reasoned my friend said Figgins and I am sorry for their sakes to say too justly—But let us see this other letter which bears the same date with the rest
I know not in this hurry of my spirits if there be any precedents in books of a womans writing to a man out of mere friendship at least of sufficient authenticity to warrant my disregarding decorum in this manner If there are not it is a new incident and I must rely on the purity of my intentions to excuse it
So extremely like a fairy tale where the heros bad genius only makes its appearance is all that has happened in this family relative to you that if I did not fancy I had myself sagacity enough to account for the influence of the foul fiend and whence it originates I should think it very hard indeed that people could not be contented with losing their own senses but they must insist that others lay aside theirs
That I may hasten through this epistle sir—for I have a good deal to say—I am willing unfashionable as it may be at our house to do you poetical justice not however in the style of your good friends here who finding you in danger of your life think—in imitation of ARISTOTLE RICHARDSON and the barbers uncle in Gil Blas—that they cannot excite in you too much terror
This candour in me does not proceed from any weak compassion but from a fair revisal of your actions at the time they passed under my observation and I do not think that charity authorises me to look farther at least with a severe eye
Abiding by this mode of decision common justice obliges me to say that all your mad freaks here which I would not have given a farthing for you if you had been without originated from worthy motives Musquito Ego and even Toogood smarted it is true but they highly merited their punishment and the lash was held by the hand of justice but think ye they forgot it in your absence Oh no scurvy fellows as they are Thank heaven however the worst of your enemies cannot give a bad motive to your conduct
in a certain instance Yet there are some who compare you to Lovelace and call your treatment of Jude
sparing your rosebud
—charming young man as you were and I will believe are
Judy daily blesses you poor girl and joins with me to pray for the hard hearts that are set against you Your behaviour as to her began continued and ended critically right and her virtue as it ought was rewarded in the catastrophe nor can a soul capable of such an act indulge a single principle that could dictate such dreadful crimes as we are all commanded to believe against you
As for my part I have read so much that human nature is a thing I am pretty well versed in I must beg leave therefore to use my own proper intellects rather than those of others for though I am devoted to Sir Sidney yet I am more so to truth and honour and these wih not let me see why nature should perform a miracle by turning all those excellent gifts she had afforded you into diabolical ones merely for the gratification of your enemies and commiting a breach of promise which she was never known in any other instance to do
Your father was certainly greatly shocked at not hearing from you but if we do not admit all the rest why should we not charitably believe your letters have been intercepted For my part I should think if you had committed all this wickedness you would the sooner have written to him if it had been only for the sake of colouring it But poor man his behaviour was very strange towards the last yet you will find he could not bear to curtail you in your circumstances
As to the state of our family it is briefly as follows Sir Sidney will not hear a word in your favour from any body my dear lady you know is the mirror of duty and goodness and therefore if she have any sentiments to your advantage she dare not divulge them even to me charming Annette who—or our complicated history will be incomplete—must marry you at last is grown an angel and I scruple not to tell you will never love any body but yourself but dear creature devoted to her duty how will she dare to look a stern father in the face much less disobey him and unfortunately she is not Lady Roebucks child
I have not mentioned to you however all our
family Mr Gloss I can assure you is no very inconsiderable member of it He has so pushed himself among the great that he is in parliament and he has so attached himself to Sir Sidney that he is become his darling He has certainly a knowledge of human nature but it is an artful one for I can see plainly he has got round the good gentleman by praising his ancestry which we all know is his foible They have agreed together on making some motion relative to the antiquities of English baronets then he has introduced a number of improvements at Castlewick and put the people in a way of carrying the goods to market upon much better terms than they were used to which is all very good if his motives were so he has also been indefatigable in seconding Sir Sidneys designs at Little Hockley but how that will be now I do not know for your brother is beginning to settle grooms and others of his sporting followers there
Mr Gloss finding my partiality to books thought he knew where to find me vulnerable but all his erudition was not able to cover his designs which I could not however come into for my studies have never been subtilty but nature As to my sweet Miss Annette he was there entirely at a loss for she has no foible
Thus you see you have no friend but me except Mr Figgins who if the current account is to be credited is almost—for nobody it seems can be quite—as bad as yourself
Fear not however but some good will work out of this I shall be upon my guard and I am very much mistaken if I do not know of whom to be watchful I only remark at present that as it was said of ALEXANDER the best trait in his fortune was the choice of his tutor so I most sincerely believe that you would at this moment have been thought immaculate if the same could be said with the same truth of yours
I am sir Your very sincere friend EMMA DISTICH
P S I have this moment heard that your brother is to be married in a few days and that Mrs OShocknesy who assumes the title of Lady Dowager Hazard is coming to live with the happy pair
This girl said Figgins with her whimsical style has more good sense than all of them put
together Her reading has been like the progress of a bee she has selected all the sweets and left the poison behind and it proves that her intellects are remarkably strong for she seems to have gathered as much mundaine knowledge by inference as others from worldly commerce and this is well exemplified in her being too cunning for Mr Gloss who indeed seems to be the director of this plot I wonder upon what terms he and the Lady Dowager are
She is a very good girl said Charles and I am afraid her solicitude for me will deprive her of her place
I fear so too said Figgins for she does not disguise that she dislikes Gloss who will take advantage of her being upon a false scent to get rid of her for her suspicions of Mr Standfast notwithstanding his scandalous letter are surely ill grounded This will be found out and she will be turned away as a mischiefmaker But for this mistake the remarks in her letter would have been very shrewd and sensible but her dislike to Standfast is of ancient date He made pretty brisk love to her when he was in the family of Major Malplaquet and upon her resisting his
inclinations he did not place in her virtue that implicit belief that it merited
I should think that would inspire her contempt said Charles rather than her revenge However I cannot help thinking as you do that Mr Standfast has given no assistance to this scandal but his belief of its truth, which cannot have failed to lend weight and consequence to the opinions of the rest both in regard to their conviction that he is a judge of mankind and that he must know me better than any body It only turns out that he does not know me at all nay that I did not know him for I could not have thought it possible he could so soon nor with so much indifference have dropt the mask of the kind friendly adviser to betray the insolent assuming pedagogue
My dear sir said Figgins you will please to recoliect that Mr Standfast gets in years which will not lessen his pride of which he has possessed a pretty liberal quantity all his life and you may be assured it is not diminished by a recollection that he has a good five hundred a year settled on him for life which he ought by the bye to have the gratitude to remember belongs in right to you My two hundred a year comes from the same
source and as we deprive you between us of a large unnual sum it is but common decency that we should shew a wish even though we have not ability to deserve it
Well said Charles God knows how long I am to live but that I may not pass my life in an eternal warfare I will not investigate any thing: Time shall do it for me There is but one inducement to my giving the matter a single thought which is the situation of Annette However all I can do actively in relation to her will not only operate more to her disadvantage but plunge me into real wretchedness which is a thing I thank them all full unpleasant enough when one only possesses it in imagination When my mind is more at ease I may perhaps answer Emmas letter but it will be only strenuously to request she will not concern herself in my affairs at all and to make the poor creature easy by telling her that I can smile with contempt on all the malice of my enemies
And yet said Figgins I cannot methinks help wishing you would answer all the letters in the terms they deserve
Mr Figgins interrupted Charles though if I know my heart I should detest myself could I indulge for two minutes
together an unjust or an ungenerous resolution yet I am so well convinced that which I have at present made is founded on reason and propriety that I would lose my life rather than relinquish it No they shall seek me or they shall lose me Let them take their choice and if they do not care which it would surely be greatly beneath me not to be as indifferent as they are
A summons to dinner put an end to this long conversation after which Figgins left his friend in his miserable apartment to go and prepare the awful business of the next day He was no sooner gone than our hero began to pervade the contents of those letters which Figgins had brought him from the bankers First he selected those from his father which were filled with such tenderness such distress of heart such sensibility yet unmixed with a single reproach that all poor Charless fortitude was nearly exhausted He sighed wrung his hands and cried like a child which his gaoler—as he entered his apartment to examine if the rivets of his fetters were fast—mistaking for apprehension on account of his approaching trial begged he would make himself easy for he had nothing worse to apprehend than hanging
If this fate really awaits him the reader and I may hereafter make some enquiry concerning his behaviour for as we have already examined together his life and character that same behaviour and his last dying speech seems all that is wanting to wind up his story At present we are going into happier company and if it be objected against us that in so doing we are deserters to his cause under whose banner we have inlisted we must even excuse ourselves by saying that we are not the only friends who have left a hero in prison to go over to his enemies
RETROSPECTION is a very good and a very necessary thing If ones actions appear worthy upon a review they will be a sort of security for the future if otherwise their deformity being an unpleasant object of contemplation we may perhaps wish to replace it with something of a more lovely appearance at least this will be the case with good minds Some men love singularity others ugliness and I sincerely believe it is in some mens nature to love wickedness and even wickedness in which no pleasure can be enjoyed but the mere exercise of it For my part however I shall not here treat of such innate undeducible affections but endeavour to give to a positive cause every little freak of fancy that the personages in this history chuse to occupy their attention with
A very extraordinary conduct has been lately observed to govern all the good people on this side of the water ever since the reader and I took leave of
them in order to accompany our hero to France What appears least reconcileable to credibility is the alteration of Sir Sidney who being a man of reason, of the world of experience, of consideration and of uncommon benevolence one would naturally suppose must in a most extraordinary manner have been tampered with before he could have been induced to give up a young man in whose dawnings of maturity he had taken abundant pleasure whose father he had loved and honoured and of whose happiness he had hoped to have been the guardian
Indeed when our hero left England Sir Sidney contemplated with great pleasure when he should return in the bloom of manhood with all those confirmed accomplishments so consonant to his rank and talents the reasonable delight with which he should witness an union between him and his daughter and as no one spoke of Charles but in a style of the most exalted panegyric no wonder if he was charmed at seeing every thing and every body confirm such honest and legitimate sentiments But when a week then a fortnight then a month then two then four elapsed without a single line from Charles to either his father his mistress or any other friend what could Sir Sidney
think What judgment could he form of those reports which continually assailed his ears and which seemed gradually to turn all his friends against him
It may not be amiss to watch the progress of this business Zekiel as the reader was long ago informed when he left Eaton went to France There being in very straitened circumstances and totally under the direction of Mr Flush he was obliged to practise many tricks and shifts to get on especially as Kiddy who seems as a manooverer—his own word—to be a twinborn with Standfast very carefully threw certain gentlemen depredators in his way who are as every body knows pretty plentiful in France and who took care—his own language again—to keep the purse by sweating it in good running order
Being very closely driven at Calais and not having enough of Kiddy about him to distinguish between what the law calls theft from that which is so denominated by reason he did that through inexperience for which he might have been hanged when in fact his mode of policy should have made him do only that for which he ought to have been hanged
Mr Dessein however who had his policy too as we have seen did not chuse to expose him and by the advice of his principal he took care afterwards however he offended against justice in a religious sense not to sin against law
From a variety of sources which Flush contrived to get opened for him Mr Zekiel together with his own income and what he could drain from his mother and indeed from Mr Standfast contrived to cut a very capital dash at Paris He set very large sums chez les comptesses and he betted larger upon the course of Fontainebleau In short in spight of all he could amass together honestly or dishonestly he would have found himself not only aground but surrounded with some very marked disgrace if he had not met with a gentleman who was so kind as to administer very largely to his wants and who not contented with such liberal instances of kindness to a perfect stranger gave evident tokens of satisfaction when the young lord in expectation informed him he had a very tender affection for his sister
This gentleman the reader sees was Mr Tadpole He had it seems in company with the young lady we saw at Lisle who was to say truth not his sister—which circumstance indeed Mr Figginss
sagacity taught us to suspect before—determined to make one bold push to render himself independant He had amassed at the gaming table in England about nine hundred pounds to which his reputed sister added thirteen hundred which she had won at a different game Their plan was to snap up some young man of good expectations first supplying him with money and afterwards with a wife
Tadpole who was originally a lawyers clerk carefully secured every step he took and by the time he reached England had Zekiel so completely in his power that being then of age he scrupled not to make over to his friend the reversion of a part of his fathers terra firma
Coming so unexpectedly to his title and fortune advantage was taken of this power over him and a marriage suddenly clapt up not out of fear of any reluctance in the young lord but lest an old lady one Mrs OShocknesy should not only destroy the hopes of the young lady by the exercise of her power over him but also those of the gentleman by furnishing him with the money to pay off the mortgage
This marriage which Emma gave us a hint of
operated as we shall hereafter have occasion to notice in a most extraordinary manner but the business at present being to account for the reports against our hero I shall go back to Lisle where the reader will recollect I entreated his particular attention to all that passed
Our hero had never seen Flush and the two brothers were so grown out of each others remembrance that it is not wonderful they should remain in mutual ignorance till an accident unravelled the mystery After Zekiel had retired vowing revenge and left his brother master of the field of battle Kiddy as we have seen told him that revenge was very easily in his power He then informed him of Madame St Viviers intention to complete the happiness of Charles that evening and shewed him a chamber which he said and believed was hers Zekiel following the direction of his trusty valet was admitted to Kittys bed room and in the full belief that he was deceiving his brother made as happy as he could wish
The question here is how came Flush who was just arrived to know so well all these private matters The answer is by Mrs Kitty who together with her mistress had been as well instructed
upon this occasion by Mrs OShocknesy as Miss Snaffle had upon a former one
Flush having the honour to know both the ladies did not scruple when the squabble began between our hero and his brother to interrogate the waiting maid as to
how the cat jumped
as he called it and having learnt from her the particulars of the assignation proposed to put Zekiel in the place of Charles which she promised without intention to perform for she knew if it were detected all their other designs on our hero would be at an end and at the same time she feared a discovery from Flush for indeed he menaced it if she refused She therefore directed him to conduct Zekiel to her bed chamber where he passed the night and the person who tapped at the door was Mr Tadpole who having first knocked at his soidisante sisters thought he had mistaken the room and afterwards went to his own bed for fear of further mistakes
So completely however were all these cross purposes acted that Kitty believed the person who knocked at the door to be no other than Mr Figgins who in his turn as has been shewn was otherwise employed Kitty however having given
Madame St Vivier a hint of this business she burnt a light in her chamber by which means Charles came as he informed Figgins at the certainty of his not being mistaken
The most awkward circumstance in this affair was the scene which passed the next day in the post chaise between Zekiel and his two companions—Tadpole had taxed the young lady in the morning as to what person was in her bed chamber she assured him it was the young lord they were therefore astonished that he himself dropt no hint of it while on his side he trembled for fear any one should have maliciously discovered to them what he thought had really happened
This doubtful taciturnity gave Tadpole a notion that he was inwardly hugging himself at his success and that probably having stolen the possession of the young lady he might for some reason or other slacken in his devoirs for the future Miss also had suspicions akin to these and she had once an idea of throwing herself at her brothers feet and making use of this opportunity through his authority of exacting from Zekiel a written promise of marriage She refrained however and it was well she did Tadpole ventured a few hints He said he believed the devil had been let loose the night before
in the inn for he had heard such running about and knocking at doors that he could not get a wink of sleep Zekiel blundered out an awkward remark or two Miss ventured at a few leading questions and in short they were all three on the verge of a discovery which would probably have overturned their respective intentions
It happened however that but one discovery came of it and that was confined to the knowledge of Tadpole and the young lady It was that somebody had been in bed with Miss which somebody was neither Zekiel nor Tadpole They therefore for they had not an idea of Figgins concluded it to be Charles and this thought dwelling in their imagination presented itself as a bar to their scheme Upon a consultation on this subject afterwards however they resolved it should make no difference as to their future measures and their minds being thus made up—which the reader will allow to be a pretty strong instance of delicacy—all matters went in their former channel
When they came to England it was agreed on all hands that Mrs OShocknesy and Standfast should know no more of Mr and Miss Tadpole than if there had been no such persons in the world
And now came as Figgins called it masterstroke the first This gentleman corresponded with Mr Standfast as did also Madame St Vivier whose real name was Jenny Singleton with Mrs OShocknesy From their accounts they had began to frame an accusation which the arrival of Zekiel greatly improved and which with its amendments stood as in Standfasts letter
These tidings were conveyed to Mr Gloss who insinuated them into Sir Sidneys family as opportunity served and as fast as one rumour died away he broached another that the good baronet might not be suffered to cool
In this worthy business he found three very useful tools in Musquito Ego and Toogood who remembering as Emma has told us their old grudge—especially when revived in its worst lights by Gloss—were continually throwing out some hint to Charless disadvantage Musquito said the young fellow was mad and because he had been tolerably educated and puffed up with false applause had like other spoilt children thought he could carry all the world before him Toogood said that he could not have believed a young man of such promising parts would so disgrace all his friends while
Ego declared that if he had been a young fellow blest with so many advantages he would have turned out the best creature in the world In short Gloss made them play fast and loose as he pleased and when they talked in exaggerating terms of his former pranks he once ventured in a mild way to reprobate the part Sir Sidney had taken in the business of Swash and the taylor saying he should not wonder to hear his acquiescence upon that occasion quoted as an excuse for the wretchs enormities
These measures together with the interception of Charless letters which by the bye furnished Standfast who received them with a most admirable guide to the execution of his schemes and now and then some cursory intelligence from genglemen just arrived from France who saw our hero drunk at an inn or quarrelling in a coffeehouse where he refused notwithstanding their earnest solicitation to send any letter or message to England All these I say worked his utter ruin in the opinion of his friends and yet I must do Sir Sidney the justice to say he hesitated against what appeared to be positive conviction till one morning news was brought that Lord Hazard was found shot through the head and that the act was certainly committed by himself for one pistol lay close by him and
another was found loaded in his pocket and they were the same pair he had bought when he was last in town
Two days after this melancholy accident John arrived who wept over his old masters corpse said he did not wonder at what had happened afterwards corroborated all that had been reported did not spare Figgins and concluded with an account of Charless being imprisoned at Lyons for murder producing at the same time a French Gazette which gave the particulars of the whole transaction Under these appearances with Gloss at his elbow Sir Sidney wrote the letter we have seen
HAVING formerly hinted that Mr Gloss was selected by Standfast as a husband for Annette and again in the last chapter shewn that these two gentlemen acted in concert in a fraud of no less consequence than what SHAKESPEARE who well knew human nature calls the worst of injuries—the taking away a mans good name—I feel it incumbent on me to account for the close intimacy which certainly did subsist between them
When Gloss came to England from Madeira either accident or necessity or something—for it is not necessary now to be particular—pointed out Mr Standfast as a proper person to assist him in his views of settling in this country
That reverend gentleman ever ready to help out
a genius—for this quality must be allowed to Mr Gloss—advised him to trump up a story of going to the Cape of Good Hope and then return after going only to Madeira where he actually had yet some little business and circulate a report that he had touched his fathers fortune which being in merchandise he had only to change it into money to cut a figure
Being introduced to a number of tradesmen as a young nabob he presently sat himself down in a most elegant house built a vis a vis and took up large quantities of goods Standfast supplying him with what ready money he was in absolute necessity of
Cutting this figure and having his pretensions backed by Standfast money was next borrowed Snaffle and Dogbolt becoming occasionally collateral securities and this trade went on so swimmingly that in less than a year and a half they found their names standing out on different engagements for upwards of twentyseven thousand pounds twelve at least of which Standfast had converted to his own proper use for the avarice of Mrs OShocknesy was insatiable and the poor gentleman doated on her to a degree of infatuation
Thus situated their ruin collectively was inevitable if they could not stem this storm which now seemed to be bursting over their heads The difficulty seemed to be how to manage it but to such geniuses all dangers were surmountable Some hundreds were laid out in India goods to shew by way of sample which were bought for exportation to save the drawback and afterwards clandestinely relanded
Every possible exertion was made to give responsibility and consequence to the appearance of Mr Gloss A large estate was bargained for nay he even went so far as to wait on the minister to offer an exclusive treaty for a loan Thus his name rang in the newspapers and the whole world believing him to be in possession of an immense fortune offered him any assistance he might think proper to command Large sums were soon pressed upon him which went to satisfy such as would not shift the responsibility from his confederates shoulders to his Others did not make any difficulty of doing this so that after a variety of negociations Mr Glosss name stood alone for the original sum of twentyseven thousand pounds and seven added to it
What was the next step How was he to go on
How skreen himself from his creditors How indeed but by borrowing the writings of a friends estate and standing for a borough He had given proofs of his abilities as a negociator nobody knew the theory of commerce better who then so proper to fill an office under the state
He had fixed his eye on the treasury ship of the navy and I have said he had a knock of getting to any spot that he fixed his attention on A public acknowledgment that he was determined upon having this post that is to say whenever there should be a ministry virtuous enough for him to mix with gained him his election
His speech from the hustings was very original and therefore very taking In all addresses he had hitherto noticed there were a number of general promises which were never performed He on the contrary resolved to promise nothing but what his constituents were sure he would perform if he could
He began with saying that he had an interest in offering himself for that borough and so had every man living when he made a similar application for would any one present or in the world exercise
his talents for nothing This he said was honest and therefore he had no doubt it would be popular He went on with saying he had watched with great attention the unhappy situation of this country and was ready to lend a helping hand to save it from impending ruin For this however he certainly expected a reward and it was but just Would a physician save a life without a fee—or a parson a soul without his tithes It was folly it was nonsense it was hypocrisy for men to pretend disinterestedness and mere love of their country He loved his country as well as any body was as disinterested as any body but still patriotism and selfdenial could not imply in the present instance more than this that while loaves and fishes are going forward a man should eat only to satisfy nature instead of guttling till he furfeited himself
He said he would be plain and fairly lay open all his views The navy of this nation was its bulwark its glory It was that which lent millions to our treasury magnificence to our appearance and terror to our name It was that which made us respected and admired dreaded and envied We made but a point on the face of the globe but yet that point though small was resplendant It was
gazed at with wonder by the remotest corners of the earth We were the true Cynosure of trade the commercial pole that with more than magnetic force attracted the interests of surrounding nations All this was owing to our navy the protection of our commerce His ambition therefore was to be treasurer of that navy in the execution of which office though he expected to be paid for his trouble yet he would be bold to say his conduct would deserve it for he was sure he should save immense sums to the nation
He said he despised professions They were unmanly ungenerous and an insult to those to whom they were made he had therefore honestly opened his mind That honesty would he doubted not be a sufficient security with Englishmen whose natural character was honesty for his future good intentions If he should have the great honour to be returned for the borough of Bray and a minister should come in of sufficient ability and integrity for him to act with he would stipulate for the situation he had set his heart upon and they would then see how the money would be handled He would be bold to say though it would be for his interest it should also be for theirs for the interests of the member and his constituents were inseperable
He finished his speech with saying he scorned to appeal to their ears he hoped he had appealed to their hearts and as their own conviction must teach them that truth and only truth had been his guide he hoped that honesty plain dealing and unreserved candor would mark that day as an epoch when a member of parliament was chosen who had no expectations but from honour no views but from sentiment
I need not add that Mr Gloss carried his election for notwithstanding this florid speech which was indeed novel → enough he had bought the borough and the gentleman who contested the election was only a nominal antagonist set up to save appearances
This point being carried the person of Mr Gloss was sacred and his creditors might go whoop for their money Exasperated with this treatment his vis a vis was stopt in the street and executions served in his house But this was as useless as the rest all his property was made over to Mr Standfast for money lent And now we see Mr Gloss without an inch of land he could call his own nearly forty thousand pounds in debt with a house and an equipage made over for safety to another a parliament
man a popular speaker almost the leader of a party and making large strides with the principles we have seen towards a responsible and lucrative place under government for the treasurership of the navy he was determined to have
As he really began to boast and not without reason of his influence he thought he could not attack Sir Sidney in a more vulnerable place than his ancient house which from a long train of collateral argument he proved to be older than the baronet himself had suspected
I shall not go into the minutiae of this arrangement which must not only be dry but uninteresting to the reader who I dare say would bate a little in the article of birth to such as made up the deficiency in honour—but only say that Mr Gloss made it out very clearly that Sir Sidney was the only living issue of the family who held the honour of the first English baronetcy and offered to make a motion in the house which he should support with many powerful arguments that his majesty be advised to grant to Sir Sidney Walter Roebuck and his heirs for ever an exclusive patent of baronetcy under the title of baronet in chief to be considered as an honour between that of a common baronet and a baron in like manner as a marquis is considered between
an earl and a duke and the precedent to be quoted as an illustration of the argument was to be that as there was but one real marquis—which was the case at that time—so there should be but one chief baronet
The baronet certainly listened to the proposal and turned it a good deal in his mind and though he doubted whether he should avail himself of such an opportunity of aggrandizing his family—especially as he had no son—yet as he could see nothing but attention to his interest in the conduct of Gloss he certainly conceived from that moment a great regard for him This was prodigiously augmented by the attention this last mentioned gentleman paid to Castlewick and the actual advantage its interests received from his advice which both gave the baronet an insight into his capacity and confirmed his good opinion of it All these circumstances cooperating as indeed Emma has already told us no wonder if he had familiar entrance to his house afterwards to his heart and at length an offer of his alliance
Mr Gloss took care also to appear the friend of Charles but then his mediation never came without an insinuation that he was more a friend to honour In short the two characters were so strikingly contrasted in the mind of the baronet that
without any great stretch of propriety the reader must allow under these circumstances that it is not to be wondered he should turn about in the manner I have described Besides—for I would fain sum up every trifling figure to make the aggregate of my reasons upon so important a point convincing—Sir Sidney felt a delicate a nice repugnance perhaps too much so at the idea of a connection with the son of a man who had destroyed himself and who had assuredly borne in his youth a very bad character
Again he plainly foresaw that all his benevolent attempts at Little Hockley would soon be frustrated by the innovations of the young lord for it was not yet so firmly rooted but that owing to a new crew of revellers it began already to lose ground This and the recollection of the ancient feuds which he now feared would be renewed heartily conquered his inclination to be in any respect allied to the family of Lord Hazard though he admired the talents of our hero and really had such a value for him as to wish his welfare though he doubted whether he would ever deserve it
Mr Standfast and Mrs OShocknesy must now become a little the subject of our attention That gentleman and lady had been sometime married
but it was the wish of both that it should not be published She brought with her a comfortable number of debts and being now a femme couverte very soon contracted a number more In short there were no bounds to her extravagance which Mr Standsast seemed as anxious to feed as she to indulge—His own income including a living the gift of my lord his annuity from that nobleman the interest of his legacy from Major Malplaquet and what he had besides been able to realize—for no object upon earth except Mrs OShocknesy had been sixpence expence to him—was about seventeen hundred a year the lady had three yet we have lately seen above twelve thousand added to their income in a year and a half But what was this He doated on her as implicitly as rapturously and as boyishly as Barn well did on Millwood and threw large sums into her lap as willingly whenever he could steal them for I think the means he used to get at them might very well be called theft On her side no dutchess must dare to vie with her in taste and expence But every source from whence this profusion was supplied at length dried up Mr Gloss being in parliament nobody would trust him and thus the whole credit of the confederacy was at a stand Besides Lord Hazard who was expected to grieve himself to death for the loss of his wife and the irregularities of his son was yet alive and
had no disorder but sorrow which though immoderate did not seem likely to kill him What joy then to the heart of this lady to hear he was no more—to find her son in full possession of more than thirteen thousand a year the whole of which she intended to command Her transport knew no bounds She bespoke a new carriage and new liveries and bowled down into Warwickshire in the most superb and magnificent style that money could procure or fashion invent taking with her such domestics for her son as she conceived proper for his situation in life In short nothing could equal the triumph with which she thought herself sure of taking possession of both her sons senses and his affairs Judge then what was her astonishment when flying to his arms he stopt her by introducing his wife being no other than the very Miss Tadpole that Figgins to use his own words dubbed him with by anticipation at Lisle What then did she feel Words are not strong enough to describe her sensations It took her breath away She raved stampt laughed execrated and would probably have died with the violence of her passion had not a shower of tears borne away the first torrent of that complication of distressful feelings which assailed her At length she accomplished something like articulate utterance when the whole school of Billingsgate had it been present might have heard and
edified No opprobrious name that could be scandalously spoken or maliciously applied was unremembered His lordship—surely no lord was ever so called before—was a pitiful rascal a nincompoop a hop o my thumb a paltry puppy and a pimping scoundrel The lady was a scurvy jade a fortune hunting minx a low wretch and a sorry trull
Zekiel laughed at all the abuse on himself but taking fire at the insults offered to his wife cried
Ill tell you what it is maam I know you see what youd be at but damme let me tell you damme that I am out of my leading strings damme if I ent and I wont no longer be schooled dye see by any old cat in England
Old cat screamed out the lady dowager
The young lady here interfered and begged her husband to consider he was talking to his mother—
To my mother cried he why so I know I am and a pretty mother she is now is not she to abuse you and I in this here manner Why I knowd what she was upon she thought to come here and be lady paramount of every thing and snub and ding me about like a lout and a school boy but damme if Ill have any such doings no I wont old gentlewoman Ill assure you I know in a week if she was to be here shed be
whole and fole nay I should not wonder if she wanted at last to take my seat from me in the house of lords But hold now I think ont she has been there once too often already
You brute exclaimed his mother You wretch—you undutiful cursed devil Oh I could tear your eyes out
I dare say you could cried the young lord but Ill tell you what mother if I am so undutiful you had better go away from such a cursed devil for to tell you the truth I never intended you should live with my wife seeing as how it was not unlikely you would advise her to play me a trick or so with my valet de chambre
Mrs OShocknesy could contain herself no longer she ran to his sword and drawing it half way out of the scabbard swore she would murder him Lady Hazard here screamed so loud that Tadpole who had been walking in the garden came to their assistance and demanded what was the matter
The matter cried Zekiel only my old mother wants so send me post to the other world
because I reminded her a little of the follies of her youth God bless the good gentlewoman added he do now pray go home wash the paint off your saded jaws and chuckle to old Standfast—Why do you think I have not been up to all the rum gig Why yes I have but it was no business of mine you know while I could coax you out of the ready Now dye see I can supply myself and thanks to nobody—so every one for himself and God for us all Mr Standfast has two or three goodish things they may keep you snug enough if you have a mind to live pretty and decent as an old gentlewoman ought As for me I intend to live nobly and spend my money like a man
But still my lord said Tadpole—
Brother Tadpole interrupted Zekiel Ill be damned if I live in the same house with a wife and a mother and theres it dye see That being the maxim of the thing you had better old lady as I said before go back again and it may be as well for you to keep a quiet tongue and advise Master Standfast to do the same or it may be the worse for both you dye see and the rum duke too
I have neither time nor inclination nor indeed
capacity to paint the fury of the lady at her leaving the house which she did soon after Every bitter wish her invention could supply was lavished on her son Among the rest I think she said she hoped to her soul he would be both a beggar and a cuckold
The ladys return to Mr Standfast who was prevented by business from accompanying her into the country was truly a curious one She blamed him for every thing which was her usual method whenever any thing miscarried and he as usual bore his jobation with astonishing coolness This provoked her her passion then provoked him one epithet begat another till he was all the old sapless doting idiots that her fertile fancy could invent and she was by his account the damnedest infernal hellcat that ever was born to curse an unhappy rascal like him
From storming they went to upbraiding then they proceeded to the situation of their affairs which were found to be plunged over head and ears in difficulties This in spight of them brought on reflexion and that upbraided them with the infamous practices they had been guilty of to serve an ungrateful wretch who after he had mounted to affluence by their means had kicked down the p•…
that raised him And here I cannot help remarking that the very devil for whom they had been so long toiling his ends accomplished spit in their faces and forsook them
THE reader will judge right if he fancies this reception of Mrs OShocknesy was a concerted thing between my lord and his brother in law who was now his steward as was Flush his butler Indeed as every servant formerly in the house was by this time replaced by others brought in at the instance of these two friends his lordship was doomed to be as much in leading strings as ever his mother could have held him for the life of her but as he was suffered in every thing to have his own way he did not concern himself with what they did privately but let them feather their nests in quiet under the idea of taking all his affairs off his hands because he was a man of rank in whom it was vulgar to let business interfere with pleasure
Mr Tadpole and Mr Kiddy understood one another very well for the latter had while they were in France made a discovery of which the reader shall some time hence participate
A secret to a minister of state or his type a great mans butler is a matter of some consequence—Here then Flush set up his rest It is true he balanced when he first came to England and was within a hairs breadth of destroying all Tadpoles hopes by making the above discovery to his old master Standfast but that gentleman making him some proposal or other that he did not like he retracted before he had so explained himself as to betray Tadpole and matters having since turned out so much to his advantage he thanked his stars that he had now sat himself down comfortably for life
Whether Kiddy was tired of his youthful follies or whether his whirligig inclinations had wearied themselves with turning round I know not but he seemed like a wornout weathercock to be glad to rust where he had stopt and this choice was manifest in a total alteration in his manners He went to church nay more he was very often closeted with a methodist preacher with whom he got drunk and sang psalms
The young lord used to smoke this as he called it and gave him many a dry rub to one of which sallies he one day replied
Why Lord love your
lordship my lord when you come to repent as I do of all your worldly gig and are down upon the heavenly comfort of a religious life you may tell the old rum codger with his hour glass come when he will you are up to all he knows and indifferent as some old learned gentleman says whether you close your peepers in sleep or in death
Emma who as she informed our hero was up on the watch no sooner heard of Kiddys conversion but knowing he must be full of good intelligence for her determined to tamper with him not that she had any expectation of finding him less a hypocrite in his new calling than in his old one She therefore saw there might be danger in putting her designs in execution personally In fact Emma saw herself of consequence in the very way she had all her life wished to be for she was convinced she should have it in her power in the language of those romances she so dearly loved to conduct two constant lovers to the temple of Felicity through all the briars and bogs that impeded their passage—Flush she pitched upon as the vehicle in this troublesome journey which Swash and his daughter were to guide while she herself like some tutelary genius should watch their motions inspire them
with courage on the road and remove all difficulties in their passage to this desirable goal
In less figurative language she set Swash who with good reason loved Charles most sincerely to insinuate himself into Flushs good graces who I can tell you had already began to love homage so little had the spirit mended his humility
It was in the millers instructions never to mention a word of our hero or if he found that unavoidable to cover any suspicion of his friendship by railing against him but at the same time to cherish all that dropt from Flush—who now for distinction began to be called Canting Kiddy—that could in the remotest degree lead to any circumstance that implied a plot having been formed against him
As to Jude her part was a capital one and had she not been perfected in it by a very capable instructress she might have spoilt all
Kiddy it was notorious loved a pretty girl Judy was instructed to throw herself in his way to give an account of his behaviour and proceed step by step as she should be directed by Emma It was foreseen her virtue would be attacked but this was
the very cunning of the scene Whenever this should happen to be the case she was directed to draw in her simple way a pathetic picture of the wickedness of mankind and lament the blindness of the world who could load the preserver of her innocence with unmerited reproaches while he who was seeking to destroy it had the character of sanctity and penitence They were not so mad however as to trust to Judys prudence alone nor her rhetoric for force might overcome both Swash therefore was to be at hand upon any trying occasion to rescue her which being romantic was still more to Emmas taste
If she should get at any material evidence her next step was to strengthen her own weak force by the alliance as she should think fit of either Mr Friend or Mr Balance or both and as she saw many obstacles would lie in the way particularly the business of Gloss she advised Annette to avow implicitly her affection for Charles which her father had formerly authorised and who would not so far contradict his own excellent character as to insist on her marrying one man before she had forgotten the other Besides Mr Gloss was not yet treasurer of the navy and therefore could not make those offers as to fortune which a man of Sir Sidneys
rank and possessions would of course expect especially when he became chief baronet which circumstance ridiculous as it was really at times occupied his reflections for what man is there let him be ever so good or ever so wise but has his weak side
All this jumble or chaos of circumstances were fluctuating at this time in Emmas head out of which she had no doubt but she should form a world of happiness for the young couple
Matters being in this state as to our hero in England the reader and I will once more take a trip to the continent in which journey we cannot do better than follow the steps of Madame St Vivier and her handmaid Kitty whose private motives being made clearer—which seems very necessary—this history will stand as disentangled as any one could reasonably desire who wishes things to be brought forward in their natural order
It has been seen that I am not very fond of dwelling upon trifling circumstances I shall therefore without mentioning a word of these ladies bringing up say that Madame St Vivier was a fashionable woman of the town and that Miss Kitty
though her handmaid had been in no less a sphere of life than herself Indeed but a very few years before she had cut a figure little less brilliant than Mrs OShocknesy but falling in love with either the beauty or the brogue of Mr Ireland she had really attached herself to him with a singular degree of constancy for a lady of her profession
When this gentleman was obliged to abscond in consequence of his duel he left his affairs in the hands of an intimate friend who thought proper to take no other notice of the trust than by appropriating every thing to his own use without remitting his friend abroad or allowing the lady at home a single sixpence so that in this case Kiddys remark of honour among thieves did not apply
Mrs Kitty having been sometime out of the way of practice—for fashion has as much to do in these cases as beauty—had recourse to her old friend Jenny Singleton who began just then also to be on the decline and proposed a visit to Sedan where Mr Ireland then was with a view to consult him on their future operations
This expedition was lucky enough for Mr Gloss
coming across them they were tutored by Mrs OShocknesy how to make their journey worth while
Figgins gave them intelligence concerning the departure of Charles and as it had been concerted they met him at Dover
The ladies however determined to make all sure had privately agreed to act in the very manner Figgins has described for their experience gave them reason to believe that it was not impossible but Mr Ireland might forget to give them the meeting They therefore were in appearance to be alternately mistress and maid both to save expence to keep their secrets to themselves and also to avail themselves of any opportunity that might happen of snapping up any English booby by way of completing his tour for improvement
Matters turned out however very much to their satisfaction They met with Mr Ireland at Sedan he attended them to Nancy where as it has been seen he plundered our hero of a tolerable supply Nor did he absolutely part with them but hovered about as it were till his affairs called him into Italy to which place—after robbing our hero
of every thing they could lay their hands on as we heard Figgins inform him—these two kind ladies followed him
IF the reader and I were unfeeling enough to leave Charles in such a situation that death seemed almost desirable to him Mr Figgins appears to have been more solicitous about him for in less than half an hour after the melancholy moment wherein I describe him reading his fathers letters he returned with great pleasure in his countenance took his friend by the hand and giving him joy told him he was liberated
Charles going from one extreme to the other was enraptured at the news and requested to be informed how so unexpected an event had been brought about Figgins answered him that they were in no place to satisfy his curiosity They were then joined by their attorney who had stayed behind to pay the fees of the prison and now the jailor who a little before had earnestly examined
our heros chains to see if they were fast enough came with great ceremony to unfasten them
This and all other punctilios over they sallied forth and Charles and Figgins being arrived at their inn the latter thus accounted for his friends enlargement
Mr Figgins said that no single day had past since his friends imprisonment but some step had been taken to get at the truth of the unhappy business which had been the means of his suffering in so worthy a cause The accounts had been for a good while various and unsatisfactory and therefore he determined as he had enough in all conscience to vex him without being eternally tortured with such suspense not to say a word till some certain intelligence should arrive He said the first clue he had of any thing like a chance of success though he took no notice of it at the time was his friends saying he was sure he had somewhere seen the murderer This put it into his head—though he owned it was a conjecture greatly at random
But added he I would catch as much at a straw for my friends safety as my own That Ireland who was a great duellist was probably the man
And by heaven said Charles I do believe
he was though it never struck me so till this moment
You shall hear said Figgins
I was inclined the more to believe this on hearing his name mentioned in an odd way by Madame St Vivier with whom I now began to think he had maintained some intelligence all along for I recollected that it dropt from her at Nancy that she had seen him in England This set me upon interrogating Kitty who confessed his having been at Lyons and that very probably he was the guilty person
I was now convinced they knew it Thinking therefore to practise the trick your brother taught us at Lisle I ordered John to enquire every day at the postoffice and to bring me any letters directed to Madame St Vivier He I suppose made them acquainted with these instructions for after waiting till about three weeks ago to no purpose I was just thinking what other method I could hit upon when all on a sudden the ladies and Mr John decamped as I imagined together but we have since learnt he went to England
Women cannot so easily travel secretly in France
as men I therefore soon found out their route which as I suspected led to where Mr Ireland was waiting for them My first intention was to have pursued them myself but reflecting I should be of more use to you upon the spot I got by the interference of our banker a very intelligent young man to go in my stead
The instructions given to this young man were not to act so as to endanger Mr Ireland—for that I knew you did not wish—but only to get from him such sort of satisfaction as should acquit you—The first part of this injunction was unnecessary for though he overtook the ladies in the kingdom of France the gentleman was safe in the confines of Savoy They however fearing for themselves served him as a guide and coming at length to where Mr Ireland had appointed them he did you ample justice making voluntary oath that you had no part in the fray but that of a mediator and that so far from having any malice you could not possibly know either the quarrel or its cause for that all you did was merely the effect of accident and entirely with a view to prevent mischief
This confession so sworn—which is now lodged
to ground your discharge upon—he accompanied with this letter which you will find attributes the duel to the hastiness of the gentleman who unfortunately fell He talks of unhandsome reflections against Englishmen in general and him in particular In short be the cause of quarrel what it may he had it in his power to palliate the matter as he thought proper for there are no witnesses to contradict him
Thus added he my noble friend you are at liberty and I offer myself to avenge you on your enemies in any way you may think proper to point out for me
Charles thanked him heartily but said his only revenge would be contemptuous indifference
In some parts of this account Mr Figgins exceeded the truth and in others fell short of it He had not set John to enquire about letters he had not taken a hint from our hero as to Ireland he had not wormed the matter out of the ladies On the contrary a note had been received explanatory of Irelands flight on the very morning it happened and the intelligence had not been protracted out of tenderness to Charles but to cover the safety of the sugitive for though a gentleman was sent as
our hero was informed and did actually return with the letter and oath already mentioned yet Madame St Vivier who to do her justice was as willing as any body to save Charles stipulated however that no arrangement should take place till Mr Ireland should be fully out of danger Then again there was no part of the conduct of these ladies unknown to him He knew why they went to Sedan he was accessary to the loss of the money at Nancy he even learnt that Kitty and Ireland were upon the best terms he consented when they went away to their taking that money of which he pretended to have been robbed and lastly so far from not being acquainted with Johns departure for England he sent him there and—not to hide the truth—with proper instructions how our hero should be written to so that he knew every word of Mr Standfasts letter before Charles received it
Mr Figgins now began to be very inquisitive as to our heros future plan Charles said he should immediately write to Mr Balance and if he found him willing to supply him without the ceremony of going to England he should continue his tour as he originally intended
for said he I see nothing in my native country that should make me desirous of returning to it
Nor I either said Figgins except it were to curse them all round
Pretty advice indeed said Charles with a laugh want a man deliberately to go seven hundred miles for no better purpose than to put himself in a passion
Well then may I be damned said Figgins if I think there is your fellow upon the face of the earth Such prudence and discernment at your age is truly astonishing
The reader sees that Figgins did not want Charles to go to England but as he well knew the right kind of argument to hold with mankind the stronger Charless obstinacy appeared the more he argued against it He shewed how easy it would be to undeceive Sir Sidney He painted the beauties of Annette the danger of losing her the triumph of obtaining her from his rival till at length being highly exhilirated with wine he had reason to repent of his warmth for Charles in the heat of his vivacity said something that implied a determination to return
Fortune however envious perhaps of his having so narrowly escaped an untimely end or thinking
the hero of such a history as this had not been long enough upon his probation or bent upon bringing about his catastrophe whatever it be by the means of Mrs Emma her agent or for some other equally wise and considerate motive determined to give Charles good time to deliberate before he should come to any resolution for he was that night taken with a violent fever which lasting him several days without the smallest intermission and several weeks with but very little he was at length left in a most emaciated condition with all the symptoms of a gradual decline
The moment he was able he wrote to Mr Balance without however dropping a hint of his illness which precaution he enjoined Figgins also to observe thinking probably it would look like an overture to a reconciliation which had he even wished his pride would have forbid him to acknowledge
Indeed he was pretty resolute as to his future intentions for though his bodily strength was greatly impaired his mental faculties were at least as strong as ever
This was the only serious illness he had ever had in his life It had given him excellent time for reflection
and the more he reflected the less he saw to be ashamed of In proportion therefore as he found himself wronged he persisted in his firm determination to consider himself independant and accountable to no man for his actions and as to enjoy the full possession of such principles he must not have many friendships he resolved to continue his tour that by gathering a plentiful stock of accomplishments he might be the better qualified to find a friend in himself
This scheme he was also determined to pursue after his own fancy which part he digested as deliberately as the rest Taking therefore an opportunity one day when the physician advised him to try the air of Montpelier he thus opened his mind to his friend Figgins
My dear sir it would be but a poor return to your warm and unshaken friendship merely to say it will ever be remembered by me with that sort of heartfelt pleasure every thing gives me that originates from such handsome and liberal principles It would however be taking a very unfriendly advantage of you if I could be so unreasonable as to requite so much generosity by suffering you to neglect and injure your affairs on my account
My father has settled on you an annuity to which is now annexed no conditions on your side of attention to me for he being dead his kindness must naturally be considered as a remembrance of past instead of a reward for present services but as I know your worthy heart will not let you regard yourself as entitled to this esteem unless you acquit your conscience of receiving it upon any other principle than that of desert instead of throwing away your time on me—time which at your season of life must be very precious to you and which you can without doubt employ to greater advantage in the bosom of your family and affairs—you shall keep a constant correspondence with me and I will promise to profit by that advantage as much as my capacity and abilities permit me so now do not take it unkind that I should have resolved to pursue my travels alone but rather let me have your excuse that I have already taken up so much of your time to your prejudice
It happened luckily for Mr Figgins that this was the very subject he had himself been two or three times on the point of broaching but he felt so awkward about it that he could not for the soul of him tell how to begin Having however the ice broken for him he did not scruple to acknowledge
that his affairs at home were rather in a disordered condition and that he sincerely believed were he on the spot a certain bishop would at that time have an opportunity of promoting him but yet he could not think of leaving his dear his honoured friend it would look as if he was of a piece with the rest of the world and had basely deserted his cause
Your own heart and my experience of your generous friendship will my dear Figgins said Charles acquit you for after all what signifies what all the world says abroad when you have a cheerful monitor at home that approves your actions Beside in the opinion of those who take the freedom so very liberally to talk of me you will retrieve your character instead of injure it by quitting a man so unworthy to be spoken well of
Rather said Figgins if I am induced to leave you let it be with a view to confound any rascal who shall dare to use you ill Now I think of it you have need of a friend there to silence your calumniators and I assure you neither Mr Standfast whose friendship it is my intention to renounce Mr Gloss your brother nor even Sir Sidney shall dare to traduce your character with
impunity
To which Charles said
Figgins if you would have me believe you value either my friendship or peace of mind imitate what I should do in the same situation When you hear any one vilify me laugh in his face without lifting him into consequence enough to think him worthy an answer
After a great deal of persuasion on one side and much apparent reluctance on the other it was agreed upon that our hero and Mr Figgins should part This they did with many warm protestations of friendship and future attention to each others interest—on one side I am sure very sincere—and a firm promise to keep up a regular correspondence
Not two days after the departure of Mr Figgins Charles wrote to Mr Balance by whom he had been treated as to his money in a very gentlemanly manner desiring without giving a single reason that he would immediately grant out of his fortune a hundred a year to Mr Figgins for life and about four hours after this letter was dispatched he received one from Emma informing him of his brothers actual marriage—and also that Lady Hazard was in a way to bless him with a son and heir—the discomfiture of the Lady Dowager the unaltered
inflexibility of Sir Sidney the neutrality of Lady Roebuck the constancy of Annette a congratulation on his release which they had all heard from some spy in the camp to which she added pray God Mr Figgins prove not rather an Euristeus than a Pylades a gentle reproach for his silence an exhortation to return
but indeed said she to what purpose Justice come as amply as it may can now scarcely make you amends Of what use was the pyramid to Aesop after they had hurled him from the rock
—and lastly she informed him that she had a most formidable plot which had already taken root and when it should have grown blossomed and borne fruit she doubted not but she should gather a plentiful crop of justice to him credit to herself conviction to the abused and confusion to his enemies
Charles had not answered Emmas former letter it is true but he was determined now to do so once for all This was his letter
Your attention to me to speak in your own way is a panegyric on yourself and a lampoon
on those around you for even though I should deserve all they have so very liberally laid to my charge a little charity one should think would not do them any harm But I see the confederacy is strong and had I the shadow of a wish to break it up—which I really have not—it would I dare say be no easy matter
Your information as to your sweet young lady is very flattering and at any other time would have been very delightful but why should I pursue what I can never arrive at since the folly of her own family has made an union between us impracticable Be therefore good Emma—for upon my soul you are really a good creature—a friend to her and instead of filling her ears with imaginary happiness which she can never enjoy—recommend to her an observance of her duty by which she will no doubt more fully accomplish all her wishes You will the more readily induce her to this by assuring her which you may with great truth that whatever may have been my sentiments I am determined not to think of her in future—Indeed my intention and that for many reasons is never to see her again and without any ill compliment to your literary wisdom I must say you are a dunce if you do not see why
As to Sir Sidney and the rest of my formidable accusers I will not take the trouble to care what they think of me for though I heartily forgive them—though I think pity is the properer word—and would do them any service I honourably could—but I believe they think mine rather a shabby kind of honour—yet the world should not purchase from me a grain of friendship for them
And now Emma as you are so kind as not to think me quite the hang dog they have painted me do pray believe that what I have said above was dictated by sincerity and this admitted your understanding will tell you that I shall be insensible to all persuasion for you see by my deliberation that these resolutions are not the caprice of a moment Seeing this it will also strike you as repugnant both to your safety and my honour—which you know it would be a terrible thing not to redeem—to hold farther conference on the subject The same reasons will shew you the necessity of dropping your plot No my strange valuable kind girl keep the friendship of your patron keep your good opinion of me nevertheless and leave the rest to time who according to SHAKESAEARE—for you love a quotation—
tries all old offenders
and Time being
a very just judge I shall never have any objection to appear before him
Adieu shew your wishes to oblige me by implicitly adhering to the contents of this letter
Your kind wellwisher CHARLES HAZARD
CHARLES continued in a very weak state As soon therefore as he had received from Mr Balance such kind of authority as enabled him to find himself in cash travel where he might he complied with his physicians advice and removed by short stages to Montpelier with only a valet de chambre and a laquais both Frenchmen his intention being to shun the English as much as possible
His disorder for some time gave every appearance that if the malignity of his friends went so far as to wish him in the other world they would soon be satisfied Perhaps some of them might have been happy to have contemplated his situation—Their charitable expectations however would have been disappointed for his youth and constitution triumphed over the consumption and what perhaps was a greater victory over the united efforts of the physicians and at length—but not in less
than seven months—his recovery was pronounced to be certain
I might here draw a striking picture enough of a young man of rank and fortune with excellent talents an admirable heart young handsome and sweet tempered without a single fault that might not be defended upon principles of reason, hemmed in by an host of enemies and apparently dying by himself in a remote corner of a strange kingdom All this interspersed with apt observation and embellished with proper reflections would indeed make up good moral matter in this place and give me an opportunity of finishing the second volume with some very pretty round wellturned reading—but the business of this history is—as indeed I think every other ought to be—action which I give the reader warning will be more and more rapid as we go on I therefore beg that whoever shall wish I had paused at such and such a place and given my muse a bait cramming down every mouthful with a moral sentence will supply that sentence themselves which will be more than one advantage to me it will save me the trouble it will be more to the taste of every reader and it will give free scope to all those who think with me to go on without skipping
Charles did not want company at Montpelier for he did not want money He had officers and abbes out of number, and sometimes ladies and now and then an English gentleman in misfortunes who was not the worse for his trouble in visiting him At other times he read the best authors and never lost any opportunity of speaking French which he at last accomplished correctly and elegantly
His health was reestablished sooner than his strength On this account he slowly visited most of the towns in the south of France where he met with a variety of characters with whose histories were I so disposed I could interlard my book till as I once heard an Irishman say of a bad play the main plot would be all episode I shall however which is modest enough chuse but one and now we are talking of Irishmen it shall be a gentleman of that country he shall be a monk called Father Fitzgibbon and member of a convent of Benedictines
Our hero because perhaps he was in a wine country—for sick people are very whimsical—took it in his head to long for some beer an inclination however he did not seem likely to gratify for enquiry had been repeatedly made for that beverage to
purpose His valet who had a most indulgent master—and they say a good master makes a good servant—determining not to give the matter up quietly procured intelligence that about two leagues off there was a convent of English Irish and Scotch where for their own use they brewed excellent beer To this convent without saying a word to Charles he posted Having told his story he received for answer that they brewed the beer for their own use as he had heard but nevertheless if upon paying them a visit they should like the gentleman they would supply him with as much as he could drink A card to this effect was dispatched inviting Charles to dine with them the next day He obeyed that summons and several others till what with the beer the good company and the ride which I believe had most merit—as the air in Wales performs that cure which the physicians attribute to the goats milk—in a short time he found himself in perfect health
I should not have mentioned this circumstance so minutely had I not designed to introduce Father Fitzgibbon who was superior of this convent to the reader and I should not have introduced Father Fitzgibbon to the reader if I had not had a material reason for it
This friar was as I have said a native of Ireland He was of a good family but being a younger brother he quitted Dublin and went to Bath—the usual market—in search of a fortune There he contrived to lodge in the same house where lodged also an ancient lady and her daughter the widow and heiress of an old hunks who had amassed a large fortune by boiling blubber at Deptford It was immaterial to him which he married but he was determined upon one of them and that one should be her who was richest This his intelligencers informed him was the daughter who being very ignorant and conceited and besides beset hard yielded upon easier terms than marriage which conditions the Irishman did not boggle about because for why said he
sure cant I make you very happy after I have ruined you for ever
The appointment being made when and where this forward young lady for the first time was to yield up the possession of her person to her intended husband Fitzgibbon which is not extraordinary in an Irishman made a blunder for mistaking his way instead of Misss room he got into her mammas who expected a gallant likewise
Before the morning they discovered their mutual mistake and before the next morning Fitgibbon
prevailed on the old lady to rob the young lady of her fortune with which they set off for France and of which money three years after when this antiquated Venus died he had just enough left to purchase a commission in the Irish brigades To be brief After much riotous conduct and many misdemeanours he was broken when the church—which is in France something like what we say in England of the sea and the gallows—received him
He had been superior of this convent of Benedictines four years and at the end of three more he was to visit his own country for a twelvemonth when he assured our hero he would spend a month with him in England
For a few hours at a time of vacant hilarity Charles could not be in more agreeable company He laid himself out for their convenience sent them several desirable presents and left at his departure a handsome donation which Fitzgibbon did not scruple to tell him in a whisper should be laid out in excellent claret
Charles had stayed so long in France that the time was now nearly arrived which he had intended to have apportioned to his whole tour for his promise to his father had been to return in time to pass his birthday
with him when he should have attained his one and twentieth year He therefore determined to go back to England in order to take his affairs into his own hands after which if he should feel himself so disposed he might then be in time to make his tour of Italy for so far from having any body to control him he did not think there were six persons upon the face of the earth who cared threepence about him In this mind he set out with a view to stay a month at Paris and then jog on leisurely for England He arrived at Aix la Chapelle late in the evening where he supped and then ordered post horses to be ready the next morning The house seemed to be very full of guests and just as our hero got into bed they were reinforced by a company from the play Charles had been dropt asleep about an hour when he was all on a sudden awoke by a violent screaming For a moment—which is very natural in a strange bed—he knew not where he was Recollecting himself however he hurried on his breeches and slippers and throwing a morning gown over him took his sword and darted from his own chamber to that from whence the noise issued The door was locked but he burst it open with his foot and immediately saw a French officer struggling with a young lady who still shrieked with all her force With the hilt of his sword he struck the ravisher in a moment to the ground then placing
himself between him and the young lady he stood ready for him in a posture of defence against he should attempt to rise At the moment he placed himself in this attitude rouse reader your whole attention—exert your whole stock of penetration—prepare for a most unlookedfor surprise—yet let it be ever so great it cannot be any thing equal to that of our hero when on looking towards the door he saw several persons enter the chamber and among the foremost Sir Sidney Lady Roebuck and Emma
Reader it was Annette herself whom Charles had rescued from a ravisher—who having in the fifteen months that he had been absent ripened into woman and improved in every limb and feature into more perfection than ever was described by the ablest pen or correctest pencil nay had the best poet or painter that ever wrote or drew seen her like our hero at that moment and even felt the same captivating sensation from the astonishing power of her irresistable charms then so greatly heightened still must a description of them have been incomplete for neither are there words nor colours strong enough for the task Charles though he had but a moment which was imperfectly lent him by the relative intelligence received from seeing who entered the room in that moment gazed away his soul
his very brain received the whole force of her incomparable attractions and love took triumphant possession of him
During this interval short as it was the officer had got up unseen by our hero and was coming towards him This constrained him to transfer his attention from the lady to the gentleman He asked in a firm voice if he dared justify his conduct to which he was answered
No sir it was unpardonable It was wine it was distraction I have suffered an ignominious blow but I deserved it and you are a stranger No sir I shall ask for no satisfaction for light and blameable as I may have behaved though my existence depends on my courage and the sword is my profession I dare not draw it in a dishonourable cause
Sir Sidney who at first thought very differently of this business especially when he heard Emma exclaim as they approached the chamber
Oh Christ there is Mr Hazard
felt from the strongest conviction a warm glow of gratitude towards our hero This however was a little checked by reflection as well as a contemplation of what Charles was then doing who forgetting there were a number of spectators present stood like a statue devouring with his eyes the beauty of Annette
which was now heightened by conscious innocence and thankful pleasure In this short interval during which Sir Sidney deliberated Annette was modestly delighted Emma hugged herself and our hero was fascinated in came to their relief Mr Gloss who being in a few words informed of the business went up in a style of the greatest familiarity to Charles and seizing him by the hand cried out
My dear sir how do you do I thought you were in Italy For Gods sake why dont you let your friends hear from you
Charles flung from him in great indignation saying
I dont know you sir
and was making towards the door but Sir Sidney who could not bear to receive a service of such magnitude without noticing it stopt him saying
I cannot refrain from warmly acknowledging this unexpected kindness which has been as bravely and gallantly as disinterestedly shewn me You know Mr Hazard I have a warm heart and a generous action touches it therefore this of yours which has probably saved my honour I shall not you may be assured think lightly of and if—
Surely said Charles recovering himself into a complacent yet erect dignity you jest Sir Sidney What I have done is at best but a common duty which requires no partial thanks because
the greatest stranger would have been equally entitled to it But how do you know it was not the act of one ravisher anxious to defeat the designs of another I dare say it will have that colour by tomorrow morning In the mean time you shall be assured I am honest in something nor will you doubt it when I tell you that whatever motive induced me to that which has preserved Miss Roebucks honour to her family it was not friendship to her father and so sir good night to you
So saying he bowed respectfully to the ladies and left the room
THOUGH Charles betrayed no symptoms of uneasiness in his face when he left the room after the adventure at the inn perhaps no heart ever was torn with more poignant distress Love prudence and disdain assailed his heart at once and he went to bed absorbed in a conflict of wretchedness compared to which his last sleepless reflections in the prison at Lyons were rapture
At that time his conscious innocence and the
wrongs that were done him roused his honest fortitude till it towered superior to all possible consequences Now mark the difference After taking the resolution upon the most laudable grounds of never holding communication with those who had traduced him after fortifying himself against all the bewitching power of Annettes charms after sustaining a long illness caused and continued by those fond and importunate whisperings which would fain have stimulated him to clear himself and reap the glory of obtaining his wishes by the defeat of his rival after at length congratulating himself upon the full establishment of his health and in that his staunch determination to abide by what he had resolved to fall into the most effectual means of opening a wound that had been all but mortal and at this time only cicatrized was a trial one would think under which his whole resolution must forsake him It would certainly be a trait of perfect nature if the reader found him the next morning familiarly at breakfast with Sir Sidney and his family The very reverse however happened which I shall contend is fairly as natural upon the principle of two vessels which standing upon different tacks may yet meet each other with the same wind In short had his down been points of needles he could not have shifted twined and turned himself
about with greater pain nor at every new position have met with a more novel → torment
The charms of Annette coupled with the mortifying difficulties which stood between him and his hopes wounded him on one side in a thousand places which shifting to avoid the saucy familiarity of Gloss and the humility into which he was thrown by Sir Sidneys injurious suspicions and ill judged pride gave it him home
He saw he felt he found himself conquered by Annette Her lovely modest speaking souldissolving perfections stood confessed and he found himself their certain evident unequivocal victim but was this to overcome so reasonable a system of independant integrity—to throw down a structure of honest hopeful tranquillity which it had taken him so much time and pains to rear
In short tossed about between such violent and contending passions he raved sighed swore wept execrated his fate and blessed his stars till at length his valet interrupting him with an account that the horses were ready he collected himself rose mounted and rode away before any person got up who could possibly stagger his now inviolable resolution
He made for Paris with every possible expedition where he endeavoured to lose in that stream of pleasure those irresistable bars to his happiness which spight of all his resolution presented themselves so very difficult is it in some cases for reason to establish tranquillity
After a months stay at Paris he returned to his native country where he will now be seen in the character of an independant young man without a single friend or adviser
Here it will not be amiss to recount that strange train of accidents which brought about so extraordinary a meeting between Sir Sidney and our hero at Aix la Chapelle
Emma since she found it in vain to tamper with Charles determined if possible to get at some intelligence of him through Figgins who contrary to her expectation—for she thought it a forlorn hope as we may see by her last letter—not only informed her of his motions but corroborated his information by shewing her some passages in his letters
No sooner had Emma heard of our heros sickness and danger of being taken off by a lingering consumption than mad as it may appear she determined
to carry the whole family to be witness to their handy work This was certainly a trait worthy of her sagacity She anticipated her success and enjoying her imaginary triumph pictured to herself the dying lover revived by the gentle and tender attention of his mistress and entreated to life and happiness by the returning indulgence of her relenting father
The only difficulty was how to bring it about but even this was no impediment to the genius of Emma She revived the subject of Annettes mother which since the information from Mr Ingot had only been darkly spoken of through the medium of epistolary enquiry Sir Sidney had at times talked of a trip to the south of France and Emma pressed Lady Roebuck very hard to keep him to his intention for which she offered many notable reasons It would wear off the chagrin that had been caused by such an alteration in the family hopes it would enlarge the ideas of Annette and if any lurking wish remained behind in favour of Charles by employing her mind on new objects it would dispose her to receive with more alacrity the solicitations of Mr Gloss—for every body but herself supposed Charles to be in Italy—whom Emma was of opinion they ought to take with them for reasons best known to herself
In short this plotting jade had fairly formed a pretty feasible plan of finishing this history about the very time when and near the very place where I who knew better things thought proper to throw it into a new perplexity
With very little importunity Sir Sidney consented to give the ladies this jaunt They took the route through part of Artois to Rhiems and passed through Chalons to Dijon near which city had lived the Count de Gramont who was an old intimate of Sir Sidney and through whose interest he now meant to make his enquiries At this house they called and to the great surprise and sorrow of the baronet he found that the old count had four years before paid the debt of nature, and that his only son whom Sir Sidney knew when a child enjoyed now his title and his fortunes
Sir Sidney was hospitably welcomed by the young count who beguiled away a week of their time very agreeably The family then prepared to continue their journey No mention however would have been made of their intended enquiries had not the young count previously and luckily too formed a design at this time to visit Province where he insisted upon making his fathers friend welcome at a small estate in that quarter The fact is he had
fallen violently in love with Annette and nothing could have kept him from soliciting her hand from her father but the evident certainty that Gloss was intended to be the happy man Standing pretty well however in his own opinion and being a man of family and fortune he had but little difficulty to persuade himself he should soon outshine his rival if he could contrive to be of their party a little longer Growing however more and more enamoured every hour and not being able to stay till they arrived at their journeys end he had on that very day the reader and I were witnesses to his disgrace at Aix la Chapelle sustained a handsome though positive refusal from Annette and another from her father Raging with disappointment he flew to wine for relief This fired him ten times more when coming to the inn to bury his intoxication and his wretchedness in sleep he was stopt by his valet de chambre who being the factotum of his amours promised him the accomplishment of that which he never before had the temerity to think of much less hope for In short after telling him a hundred lies to inflame him he had the address by the help of the chambermaid of the inn to place him in a closet in the chamber where Annette was to sleep He saw her enter with Emma who having set down the candle began to look over some linen and other things for Lady Roebuck—As
they laid across her arm
Well really said she there is no knowing what to wear in this same France it is the strangest motley place—
Nay said Annette there is a great deal to gratify ones curiosity The thing I like least in it is this troublesome count If he and Mr Gloss were where my poor Charles is and he in their place France would be a paradise to me
Come come said Emma do not despair—
Despair answered Annette why should I hope Were he here did he love me—and that I am afraid Emma he does not be where he will—what would it avail me designed as I am by the will of the best though in this case the cruelest father for another
Dont be uneasy about that said Emma I have a secret to cure your father and all the world of such a folly as that would be In short I am much more pleased that Mr Gloss should be intended for your husband than any man in the world since it must not be Mr Hazard I cannot say so much for the count for he has a thousand advantages over the other and if Sir Sidney were not so attached to his parliamentary friend we should find ourselves a good deal embarrassed to
get rid of the other A painter—and it is the same with an author for words are figurative colours—can put that object in shadow which is a disgrace to the groupe but he would be blamed for doing this by one that ornaments it But come my sweet lady I hope you are nearer happiness than you think for One thing is—but you must not betray it for your life—that Charles is not in Italy and I hope it will not be long before you see him
Not in Italy cried Annette not long before I see him Do my dear my kind Emma explain yourself
My lady waits for these things said Emma I will tell you more when I return till then be as happy in idea as the pleasing picture I have drawn can make you
So saying she retired with a view of going to Lady Roebuck
Seeing there was no time to be lost the count the moment this conversation was over which he had listened to but understood not a word of came out of his hiding place and surprising Annette at the door locked it and began as we have seen to be pretty free with her He was however so awed by her beauty that he had very little shocked her delicacy when she was relieved by our hero
whom she no sooner saw alarmed and confused as she was than she could not help fancying—the foregoing conversation being strongly in her mind—that the whole was one of Emmas romantic schemes This when they retired to rest she scrupled not to confess to Emma laying before her very strongly all the consequences of any premature design to deceive her father which she was sure if he discovered he would never forgive and which could not fail instead of mending their affairs to leave them in a worse condition than ever She thanked her with warmth with tenderness with tears for the attention she paid to her wishes declared that no one ever had a truer friend but it was plain fortune determined to persecute her and therefore all her kindness would be useless
Emma was very much touched at Annettes good opinion of her and thanked her for it in terms of sincere acknowledgment She lamented with her the great probability that indeed there was of her fustaining more persecutions but she said it was the lot of virtue to be essayed but that thanks to heaven to those trials it owed its purity
She said she knew well the implacability of Charless temper which she was convinced would not relax a tittle but this in some degree she
could not disapprove for he had been very ill treated
Our heros conduct indeed was in Emmas opinion the noblest she had ever heard of but then she knew to what it was attributable To say the truth she knew much more than the reader imagines or perhaps knows himself
Emma acknowledged that she knew of his being in the south of France but that his coming there that afternoon was purely accidental at least she knew nothing to the contrary for that she had not expected to see him till they came to Montpelier where he had been for many months at the point of death though it was plain he was now not only happily recovered but much handsomer than ever
Night alone beheld those blushes which suffused Annettes cheeks at these words They were excited by a flattering hope but were as instantly dissipated by intruding fear which changed the carnation to a pallid hue and started two pearly tears that trickling from her beautiful eyes lost themselves upon her pillow
Emma said that though Charles must now stand much higher in every bodys mind than he had lately
done yet it was plain Sir Sidney had felt himself treated with indignity which would operate in conjunction with the insiduous arts of Gloss to Charless great disadvantage They would see however the result of matters in the morning In the mean time she was glad the counts hopes were at an end for as to Gloss she begged her lovely young lady to make herself perfectly easy for as he never could be her husband which she would herself take good care of rather good than harm would come of his hovering about her for though a troublesome insect himself he would serve to keep off others who were more so She said she held it good doctrine to use evil agents to come at truth and maintained that HOBBES is right where he says
that it is lawful to make use of ill instruments to do ourselves good and adds If I were cast into a deep pit and the devil was to put down his cloven foot I would take hold of it to be drawn out
The great object of Annettes concern was lest Charles did not love her which doubt Emma undertook to dissipate She said it was impossible he was the best and most charming young man upon earth as was she the most virtuous and lovely young lady that she was as sure they were born for each other as if she read their history in the book of
fate but that troubles and many yet they certainly were born to encounter
Come come said she my dear Miss Annette you are very well off our whole affairs are a novel → I confess but yours are not the distresses in which young ladies so situated generally find themselves Your father is not hard and boisterous like Western nor is Gloss bewitching and seducing like Lovelace I can dash his hopes in a moment whenever I please Comfort yourself then my dear lady you have in me a firm and though not very old yet I will venture to say an experienced friend and I shall as surely pilot the vessel into port as that I am now conducting it with skill and foresight in spight of all the adverse winds and beating waves that surround it
Emma was now in her element She soothed Annette with every kind and friendly argument her invention—which was pretty fertile—could supply She instanced all the similar situations she had read of and proved to a demonstration that happiness was as certainly the ultimatum of Annettes fortune as that the interval would be filled with many trials of her virtue her temper and her fortitude
Upon the whole Mrs Emma determined never again to give a hint of what she had in agitation to Annette Young and timid as she was who knew how far her prudence would be a security for her not betraying it She plainly saw that though Charles could not be robbed of the palm he had so handsomely earned yet as Sir Sidney had expressed himself in terms of great warmth after our hero had left the room this was not the moment to press her present design
After a variety of deliberations with herself while Annette slept she determined to see Charles early in the morning and advise him to follow their steps till she should give him a fit opportunity of declaring himself and in order to induce him to this she would lay him down the strongest reasons in her power without trenching absolutely upon some secrets which she meant to make use of as a denier resort lest he from rage should make as bad an use of them as Annette would from simplicity
Having well digested this plan she commended herself to the arms of sleep where she continued locked so long that when she came to enquire in the morning for our hero he was some miles on his way to Paris
I shall now recur to the scene of action out of which Mr Charles was seen just now to stalk with such conscious dignity
When Sir Sidney and the rest first came into the chamber they really did not know what to think of the matter it was so sudden and unexpected but as soon as they heard the Frenchmans handsome accusation of himself and found it impossible that our hero could be any other than the champion of the lady they really had the conscience to give him credit for one worthy action and as truth has the knack of dispersing falsehood in more ways than one it all of a sudden struck Sir Sidney that Charles must either be strangely altered or that report had not in all cases done him justice for that it was impossible or at least very unlikely that any man should hold such a contrary disposition as to be a devil today and an angel tomorrow
These were Sir Sidneys reflections Lady Roebucks were still kinder Emmas were admiration and Annettes tender delicate lively gratitude and feeling thus they really made a very pretty group for a picture
Against the chimney piece stood the musing
baronet with his hand to his forehead His beautiful daughter who had accidentally fallen into an arm chair held also her hand to her face which however did not conceal her tears of indignation for her ravisher or those burning blushes full of love and thanks to her deliverer
Lady Roebuck though in astonishment too by turns eyed her husband Annette and Charles with regards plainly intimating her perturbed and anxious sensations while Emma firm and collected searched every eye and would fain have pervaded every heart to furnish herself with arguments for that masterstroke she was now meditating
Our hero as I have already described was transfixed like a statue but it was rather like an inanimate body whose soul had left it and fled to that heaven on which the eyes seemed to bend with reluctant pleasure
As to the count he had his head against the wall without daring to look any one in the face
Just at this critical moment every thing seemed to depend upon the first word that should be
spoken which unfortunately coming from the mouth of Mr Gloss our heros love gave place or rather spur to his resentment and so threw him off his guard as to occasion that disrespect which he shewed to Sir Sidney and his abrupt departure afterwards
Sir Sidney never felt so sensible a mortification in his life He was plainly upon the point of making such advances to Charles as very likely would have led to a complete reconciliation He had balanced as we have seen as to his deserts from the first moment he felt that warm sensation of generous gratitude for his daughters protection
This prepossession in his favour his person which called to mind a thousand partial ideas did not a little contribute to strengthen How then must this fair prospect of engendering goodwill be untimely destroyed when such a blight as our heros terms of rebuke were held out to one who expected solicitation instead of defiance His kind thoughts immediately receded and resentment filled their place but however with so very little foundation that he was obliged to search for a new object to gratify it and immediately insisted upon a full explanation from the count of his conduct
The count charged it very properly upon the rascality of his servant whom he instantly called up paid his wages and kicked out of the room an example were it more imitated would save the honour of many young gentlemen of pleasure
The count then said his crime could not be palliated otherwise he would never stir from Annetts feet till he had implored her pardon nor from Sir Sidneys presence till he had consented she should be his As it was he would hide his disgrace in absence and never again presume to appear before a family whom he had treated—instead of the respect due to strangers—with the ill manners and villany of a ruffian
He further said he should love the young gentleman as long as he lived who had prevented his design and were not his influence all gone he should strongly recommend him to Sir Sidneys friendship and consideration
With these words he took his leave went to another inn and the next morning left the town about an hour after our hero
A conduct so collected and uniform in one moment
engendered a new plot in the imagination of Mr Gloss
My dear Sir Sidney said he this is the most barefaced business I ever saw in my life dont you see it
Upon my word I do not even know what you mean answered the baronet
Why my dear sir nothing can be plainer—The count whose overstrained complaisance induced him to accompany us to Province did it to serve his friend which you may easily see by the latter part of his fine florid speech Mr Hazard was not in Italy but lurking about till you should come to France For this was Miss Roebuck to be insulted—for this was she to be rescued—for this was the servant to be kicked down stairs for this was the champion to behave with insolence to you—and finally for this was he by the repentant ravisher—just the last man in the world who ought to take such a liberty—to be recommended to your favour and consideration
Sir Sidney could not admit the entire force of this charge though he could not deny but it was clear connected and ingenious and indeed full of such apparent probability that it might have naturally struck any body It was however late and as his
daughter at any rate was safe and peace restored before they hazarded any further conjectures he thought it would be but wise to consult their pillows Thus Annette and Emma were left to themselves where passed that dialogue and those deliberations already mentioned
WHEN it was known the next morning that both our hero and the count had left Aix la Chapelle Sir Sidney kept up to his belief by Mr Gloss began in reality to think that the whole business of the night before was a concerted matter between those two gentlemen It wore so much the complexion of those tricks he had heard of before and was in every respect so like what he had been taught to think of the genius of our hero that it scarcely admitted of a doubt But were this the case what did it infer Why truly because all his friends would not believe him innocent of pranks that had been so substantiated he must meditate an injury that ought never to be forgiven Did not his haughty speech at parting confirm it For even suppose that he had no motive for what he did but common justice nobody would in so disdainful a manner refused to be thanked No the matter
was apparently very plain and if really what it appeared it only proved that he whom they had hopes of a penitent had now given proof that he was incorrigible But were it allowed to be possible—which there was very little ground for—that all this strange business should have been the mere effect of chance was it even in that case a proper thing to lie at the caprice and whim of an absurd young man Was it through pride and disdain he meant to aim at conciliation Did he expect to be begged and entreated to forgive Had he so far forgot all the duties resulting from those motives which alone could worthily have excited such conduct as to think it ought to erect him into pride and haughtiness And lastly had he the vanity to suppose that having left the town be the motive what it might any body would take the trouble to send after him
Weighing all these considerations Sir Sidney was determined to repay pride with pride and though if it ever came to his knowledge as a positive certainty that Charles had acted in this business disinterestedly he should conceive himself under an obligation he should nevertheless look upon it as one of that sort which a vain supercilious conduct had completely cancelled
Thus was the baronet at least as firmly set against our hero as ever he could be against the baronet and fully confirmed in these sentiments which Gloss failed not to extol
Lady Roebuck Annette and even Emma though not obliged to acquiesce were at least prohibited from making objections
To bring them to England as fast as possible where I am impatient to attend our hero it will be only necessary to say a few words
They kept on their way for Province where Sir Sidney found every thing very much altered The former abbess of the convent where Annettes mother was supposed to have died had been replaced some years and her successor could give no more account of the matter than that she understood Miss Le Clerc had gone to England with permission some years before In short she told Ingots story with the addition of her having returned settled her affairs made interest to be of a new order more suitable to her circumstances to a certain convent of which order she had retired at a distant town where it was said they might hear further tidings of her
Sir Sidney finding Lady Roebuck and Emma very anxious to get at the bottom of this business—for as to Annette she was always taugh• to believe that her mother was dead—indulged t•eir curiosity though this same town was out of their road to Paris The scent however was soon lost for Miss Le Clerc had shifted her place of residence one more and they either could not or would not give the smallest information weere she was gone they therefore got away expeditiously to Paris at which city they arrived a few days after our hero had left it and after passing away about five weeks very pleasantly returned in safety to their own country
Charles in his way to Paris to drive Annette from his thoughts began to consider in earnest what he should do in the world He was young had a tolerable right to think well of his abilities and would very shortly touch a large sum of money—He had all his life employed his time industriously and thought he should now wrong his country and himself if he let his talents rust in indolence
The sublimest wish of his heart was to patronise merit He should not however he feared find himself rich enough He must oke out his fortune then To effect this he hit upon fifty schemes
but was not able to pitch on any thing he thought likely to answer his purpose till he met with an English nobleman in Paris who initiated him in the mystery of preferment and plainly shewed him all its devious and intricate paths
Charles contemplated this road to fortune with eager pleasure His booby brother was a lord his supercilious rival a member of parliament and a popular speaker should he then live a mere obscure private gentleman
In short he bargained with the peer for a borough The peer on their arrival in England made the broomstick who was then member vacate his seat by an acceptance of the Chiltern hundreds and at the expence of something more than eight thousand pounds our hero found himself a member of the third branch of the legislature
My lord by convention was to follow up Charless initiation with his patronage which had only the trifling condition annexed to it of always voting with the minister A fortnight however did not pass before the impossibility of this was made selfevident
He had consented to the purchase of a borough
because he had been told that such things are as openly sold as shoes and stockings or any other article that a man chuses to appropriate to himself upon paying its full value or perhaps a little more but to support that it was noonday at midnight—or indeed any of those many positions he was almost ordered to second—to hold forth for three hours to the great detriment of his lungs and what is worse of his varacity with a view like legerdemain of shewing a question in every possible point of view but the right and then sanction this outrage on truth this fraud on his own conscience by voting that it might be carried into a law, and so be accessary to the multiplying of these outrages and these frauds to the detriment of his fellow citizens—this was a condition he could not prevail on himself to fulfil and therefore—at which he wondered without cause—the parliament being dissolved in about five months after he took his seat our heros borough notwithstanding a fresh three thousand pounds which he laid out in contestation—though how it should be spent is astonishing for the place had not above thirteen houses—received its former member Mr Stopgap who as complaisantly as before in less than a twelvemonth took again the Chiltern hundreds that the borough might be purchased by a new bubble who however bought it with better success than our hero for by always
saying aye he soon got a pension well worth the money he had paid for it
By the way Charless conduct in parliament was the most curious thing in nature. Having no bias but truth his opinions seemed to wear a very motley and strange appearance to those who were hackneyed in the way of debate but indeed he was as Kiddy would call it up with them for even those who argued on the same side by having imbibed a passion for rhetoric a quaintness of expression a vein of drollery or some other quality of embellishing and flattering truth out of the very form they ought to wish it should wear appeared to him the most unhandy handlers of an argument that could be conceived In short he was an innovator and nobody was sorry to lose him for said they a man who votes sometimes on one side and sometimes on the other can be of no party and therefore ought not to be a member of the house of commons
Sir Sidney it is true as an independant country gentleman voted with his conscience but yet this was generally on one side for by prejudice of education he was pretty well fixed as to his sentiments concerning the government of this country In short every thing that promoted the blessing of
peace he supported every thing that led to the desolation of war he discountenanced
By the way Sir Sidney and our hero considered one another as perfect strangers during the whole time they sat together as members
Charles when he returned to England received of Mr Balance the gross sum of twentynine thousand pounds His borough and his private expences had in seven months sunk this sum to nearly half This nettled him not a little To set out with the laudable intention certainly of exalting himself but with the purest motives of public integrity and sustain in so short a time so much disgrace—it was not to be borne He had given proof on many private occasions that he could wield a pen he was determined to try whether he could not do it and to effect on a public one
He lost no time but immediately brought out a pamphlet which he called Parliamentary Consistency It was pithy sensible and severe and laid bare all the manoeuvres of making and garbling acts of parliament shewing that as chicanery was engendered with law no wonder if it grew up with it
Nothing however was gratified in this business but revenge A few sensible people found a great deal of merit in the publication the booksellers declared that the young man touched in pretty smart round periods enough and that when his fortune should be spent they would be glad to employ him at per sheet
The active mind of our hero would not let him sit down quietly under so heavy a reduction of his fortune He thought every hour an age till he should be engaged in something to redeem his loss Had he remained in parliament for any length of time he had no sort of doubt but he should have completed all his wishes without the interference of the minister
He had with great accuracy noticed where the laws were deficient in relieving the poor and oppressed and indeed all descriptions of mankind in helpless situations He had expected upon pointing out amendments in these laws—which he conceived could easily be done—he should erect himself into such popularity that he could command assistance from that state to which he should thus have been so useful
As it was he had made but little progress in
this desirable pursuit nevertheless what he had done was a beginning and it actually had raised an alarm among forestallers engraters and other enemies to the lower part of the community
He had also a plan of inducing a parliamentary attention to the liberal arts and he meant as a preliminary step to try at a regulation of public amusements
Many other benevolent ideas occupied his thoughts tending both to public accommodation and private convenience but the scheme that most delighted him was one by means of which he had flattered himself he should be able to curtail the privileges of lawyers whose emoluments drained from the necessitous he proved by computation amounted to a third more upon any twenty given causes than the damages given in those causes by the jury and were the aggregate account of expences and damages come at for seven or seventeen nay or seventy years he had reason to think the proportion would be just the same
This clearly proved that a man with ever so just a cause had better put up with a first loss let it be what it might than seek the only redress the laws
of his country had permitted him to have recourse to Yet no step had been taken to cure this evil
His catalogue of such abuses as came under the cognizance of the courts was immense Those abuses of which the courts had not the smallest idea were a still larger list and proved that the sole mode the legislature had provided to decide those two grand articles by which all the ties of goodfellowship are cemented by which ranks are distinguished property ascertained and secured—In short right and wrong—instead of holding out security and being a blessing was a curse in a land of freedom that the most oppressive tyranny had never equalled in any country
This last enumeration of abuses he said was the most grievous thing that could be conceived to people of middling life These abuses consisted of processes that went no farther than arrests and accommodations in which the attornies though adverse professionally were privately intimate friends—These erected themselves into judge and jury and the result was nine times out of ten that the defendant to avoid imprisonment was forced into terms impossible to be complied with
Could any provision take in all it was meant to
comprehend which failed of effect in any particular The laws of England did in a very essential particular they precluded the poor from any benefit from them while the rich could use them to oppress that very poor for whose defence—if by law is meant human security—benevolent reason says they ought in an especial manner to provide
How can this be says the lawyer the poor may sue in forma pauperis
What do they gain by this Why truly they are allowed the stamps but who will allow them an attorney that will manage their affairs for a single farthing less than his full fees—which always include threefourths of his bill
These as I have said were some among the many resources from which Charles hoped to draw much public benefit nor did he o• these subjects appear to have a superficial judgment for he had such sweetness of manners and was so void of any pride except that which results from conscious integrity that he did not disdain to search for information among those where alone he could demonstrably find it
To say truth in conjunction with a few other
worthy members of parliament he bent his time to a full consideration of cases entirely among the poorer part of the community and it was not rare to see him at workhouses and prisons where his purse secretly following his generous heart bellowed on him as much satisfaction by relieving a widow or an orphan as some men—his brother perhaps for one—would have received in distressing a tenant or seducing his daughter
Finding however all his hopes no more than a dream—from which he had been so disagreeably awoke—he had now no ability but to pity those whom he could no longer assist
He might to be sure have purchased another borough but he now saw the fallacy of such traffic and well knew that if he could ensure a feat as long as he should live it would be utterly impossible for him to carry any one point till he had previously sold his opinion and then what would he be but the echo of another mans will without having a will of his own
Determined however to do all he could—slender as his means were—he concerted several feasible plans by which while he reasonably improved
his money he fancied he should procure a most desirable relief to many who stood in need of such assistance
WHILE Charles is digesting his liberal plans—that I may keep this history compact and all its characters within view—I shall recur a little to such persons and things as may enable me so to do
In the first place I do not wish the reader should fancy that I made Charles all of a sudden so violently in love with Annette at Aix la Chapelle for no better purpose than merely to put him into a mad freak or two and there an end It is true he swore a great many bitter oaths that he would sooner tear his tongue from his mouth and his heart from his bosom than suffer one to speak or the other to dictate a single syllable that could betray the folly of loving one whose family undeservedly despised him But does not the reader know that this was rather what he uttered than what it was in his power to put in practice Was he not a lover
Did not the positive confirmation of that fact take its date from the business of Aix la Chapelle And could any thing he afterwards said or thought be considered in any other light than as the declaration of a maniac who in the midst of a paroxism tells you he is in his right senses The injunction he laid upon his tongue was well enough and I question whether the threatened mutilation or something like it might not have followed its infringement But as to his heart Lord help the poor man It was about as much in his power to direct that as it would be for a miser to prevail upon himself to give a poor wretch a guinea whom he saw expiring for want
In short we see him prancing about from one wretched object to another and persuading amusing interesting wheedling and coaxing this same heart into all the amusements for which such kind of men directors are worthily formed and to be sure I cannot deny but this master of his had much pleasure in this sort of employment—but this made no difference it repaid him with interest the moment it was unoccupied and even brought up these very actions to support its arguments crastily suggesting that if there was such rich delight in lessening the burden of our fellow creaturess misery alone how exquisitely would the delight be heightened
by sharing that task with the object of ones affection
It was in one of those moments that his heart had been dictating to him in this arrogant style when Emma stood before him His astonishment was excessive
Good God said he Emma—and then recollecting himself what brought you here
I come Mr Hazard said Emma ambassadress from the court of love upon busiress of importance and I am determined to carry away with me a catagorical answer
Stay said Charles if the investigation of Sir Sidneys conduct and my family concerns are in the smallest degree to make a part of what you have to say—though I confess I should be very ungrateful not to give you credit for the best intentions towards me—I will not hear a single syllable
Indeed sir said Emma I would not affront you by investigating any such ridiculous subject APOLLODORUS the architect would not yield in opinion to the Emperor ADRIAN and was put to
death FAVORINUS however yielded to him in every thing for which conduct being reproved by his friends he said Shall not I easily suffer him to be the most learned and knowing of all men who commands thirty legions Now Mr Gloss may be FAVORINUS as much as he pleases but I in spight of all consequences shall be APOLLODORUS for if Sir Sidney commanded three hundred legions instead of thirty I should never subscribe to his absurd opinionss whatever may be my fate so you may be perfectly easy on that head My business at present is confined to one subject and you will find it necessary upon the footing I mean to put it that you should give a reasonable and decided answer Void of passion void of revenge void of any thing but what you honestly and truly feel nor do I wish to humble you or make you deviate from your pride which I declare is the truest I ever read of I look upon you for your years as a prodigy Your fair chaste penetrating understanding is remarkable and though any one may see your great aptness for predelection and firstsight prepossession yet when once deceived—till when you cannot have the meanness to harbour suspicion—decided wariness succeeds to illplaced confidence and I am sure no man will ever deceive you twice Your
first complaisance you think due to the world your second to yourself
Why my dear Emma said Charles you speak with the gravity of an oracle
With the truth of one I know I do said Emma
But to what returned our hero does all this tend
You shall hear said Emma I want to know how far you will meet me upon the ground of a union with Annette
It is impossible said Charles
Do you love her returned Emma
Come come said Charles I see your drist If I tenderly loved Annette there would be nothing but I ought to sacrifice for her nay there could be no attention however arduous no affection however violent sincere and unalterable in the remotest degree comparable to her deserts—Her duty to her father is the first sentiment of her soul At the feet of this duty I ought to lay down that victory which my honour well fought for and won If I love her I sa• I ought to do all this but I will speak plain I cannot shrink into nothing Emma The first and dearest wish of my heart—should my fathers grief fatally prevail—was to find a father in Sir Sidney but thanks to his sincerity—which was rather of the rudest—the same line that told me I had lost my father
that I might not flatter myself with any thing that might console me told me also that I had lost my friend
My dear sir said Emma I want none of these arguments to believe that your resolution is laudably taken or that it ought to be unbroken I want only this that you will not estrange yourself from a subject that once gave you the dearest pleasure but so far keep your heart free that should the veil that at present hides your truth and innocence from Sir Sidney be withdrawn not by your contrivance but by his own conviction through the evidence of his senses you will in such case agree to that reconciliation which he shall propose
Agree said Charles I am more hurt for Sir Sidney than for myself for of him I am ashamed
And I too said Emma
But to manifest said Charles that I only stickle for a just punctilio sacredly due to my honour—and the more as I am my own protector as I am the general and the army that must fight the battle alone—if I were assured that Sir Sidney would believe me an injured man upon my own single word and honour I would take him by the hand tomorrow and esteem that moment the happiest of my life
That he will not then said Emma therefore it is a folly to talk I know however that in time he will do more for he can be just and he will then believe he has wronged you My business relates to what is to be done in the interim—You will one day or other have justice and the farther it is put off the more complete it will be In the mean while will you keep a hope in your heart that Annette may be yours
Emma said Charles it is a joke to talk in this manner the matter should be one thing or the other
It cannot said Emma There is a certainty that every thing will be right but it is as certain that every thing is wrong at present The only thing I am now certain of is that Annette loves you
Loves me said Charles
Tenderly ardently gratefully loves you said Emma Nay sir if you will have a heroic propriety in your conduct so will we in ours We will be proud like you We will hide what we feel like you We will be unhappy like you Nay if you provoke us we will go into a consumption
Like who cried Charles
Like you answered Emma
Nay said Charles can my Annette love me so dearly
She does said Emma I am her ambassadress and my instructions are to tell you so
Then take your catagorical answer said Charles Tell her that when I saw her at Aix la Chapelle every resolution I had formed before left me I was from that moment hers unconditionally and this induced me to retire for if I had not I should the next morning have fallen at the feet of Sir Sidney
I am very glad you did retire said Emma for the breach would by that means have been so widened that you could never have been friends As it is—
As it is said Charles interrupting her let her rule my fate I will do whatever she commands
Her commands then said Emma will be that you continue to love her and write to her under cover to me In every other respect do not bait an inch of the conduct you have laid down for yourself
This proposal was so consonant to our heros sentiments that he accepted it with delight In short the preliminaries were adjusted and agreed to and Emma marched off in triumph with the ratification of her treaty
Though Emma was well contented with her negociation yet her tongue itched to enter upon another subject but she knew too well with whom she had to deal to let her curiosity get the better of her prudence It was this she had heard—nay she knew it beyond doubt or nothing could have induced her to believe it—that our hero kept a mistress that he had a private lodging for her and visited her as often as his leisure permitted
This indeed was true and though she thought nothing of now and then a random intrigue in a young man yet an engagement of this kind might especially as he was surrounded with enemies prove of dangerous consequence to his interest in Annette
This fact as a historian of veracity I am obliged to admit Charles certainly in his commerce with women of indifferent reputation—to which his youth and the warmth of his constitution too much
addicted him—had met with one who had something more decent in her manners than the rest and upon her promise to detach herself from her abandoned companions he had made her comfortable at that time and intended afterwards to provide for her
It was impossible for Charles to have the least degree of intimacy with any person and not be attached to their interest This girl had many attractions which her lover was not insensible of Nay his word might have been deeply engaged had not her levity checked his hand As it was he stood engaged in an intercourse pleasureable enough and which he could put an end to when he pleased without a breach of honour
The moment therefore Emma went away this he determined to do for he swore that Annette should in future engross all his amorous thoughts He called immediately at the lodgings of Miss Newton where without ceremony he entered the bedchamber but what was his astonishment when in so doing he saw her in bed at twelve oclock at noon with the waiter of a bagnio
Charles made the gentleman jump up very coolly
kicked him down stairs and threw his clothes after him This done he waited on the lady who would first have brazened the matter out but finding he was absolutely bent on parting with her she dissolved into tears
Seizing this opportunity he said he did not chuse to be made a dupe of that he had conceived the comforts she had tasted would have made her better consider her own interest but he plainly saw that she could relish no pleasures that were not tainted with vicious ingratitude He should not however upbraid her perhaps he himself had been to blame in supposing that one so utterly abandoned should retain a spark of shame or decency
He added that her furniture watch and indeed all he had given her—which was no trifle—she might keep to this he should now add a hundred pounds which he hoped she would make a good use of
The lady attempted at a reply but fell into hysterics at which our hero recommen•ed •er to the maid and walked off saying he should send a person the next day to supply Miss Newton with
some money he intended her as she was not then in a condition to receive it
The lady when she came to herself and understood her lover was gone and what was worse without leaving the hundred pounds stampt raved sighed swore danced laughed and sobbed all in a breath and after playing fifty curious passionate antics—which she concluded by fairly kicking Betty out of the room because she had not the precaution to shut the door and so prevent the discovery—she breathed nothing but revenge and defiance
Mr Gloss had been among the number of this ladys admirers and had actually conferred on Charles a favour equally complaisant with that of the waiter before mentioned
From this same Mr Gloss had Emma at second hand received her information backed with such circumstances as it was impossible she could disbelieve
Thus was our hero slandered for an attempt to d•tach 〈◊〉 abandoned woman from her evil life by the very man who not only shared her crime but the wages of her iniquity for Mr Gloss with all
his aversion to Charles scrupled not to partake of his bounty—as Mistress Dye has it—at second hand
HAVING seen in what state were Charless pleasures I shall now look after his affairs It has been already said that had fortune made him very rich he would through the influence of his own proper philanthropy certainly have given the poor and oppressed worthy cause to bless him and have been a MACAENAS nay a little AUGUSTUS in the opinion of many neglected men of abilities But this good will towards men failed as we have also said for want of a certain ingredient in that sort of work called the means He therefore tried whether by lifting himself into power he could not put himself into cash and thus accomplish what he had so set his heart upon In this also he was as much to seek and what now could he do Why resolve to embark the small remains of his fortune in the most feasible way that presented itself making general benevolence the outline of his conduct
First he purchased a share in a place of public amusement which was coming to the very mart where genius was the traffic With what delight did he contemplate the pleasure he should receive in taking neglected merit by the hand and patronizing those productions which the modest timidity of their author kept from the public because he had no patron How rejoice when he should rescue music from boorish barbarism and reconcile it to reason and nature—when the heart should receive no impression but through the ear and when the sensations of the soul should fix the criterion of sound How be charmed when theatrical painting instead of monstrous should be natural
None of these desirable ends however was he fortunate enough to attain He found his partners too refractory and too much attached to their own ignorant and conceited measures to listen to him who was but an inconsiderable member among them Vainly did he represent that English amusements were they thrown into a right channel might very easily be made with alternate and neverending variety to charm expand unbend instruct improve the mind; and in short disperse a most extensive and valuable fund of entertainment rich delightful and exhilirating as well as sensible useful and moral Vainly did he shew this source
this mine they poor creatures were strangers to its value To speak plainer they knew of no merit which came not to them through the medium of flattery or was not generated in their own dullness and foisted on the town by ostensible blockheads who estimated their works by the quantity of manual labour
Not content with this our hero visited several gentlemen of undoubted and undeniable genius to whom he lamented the great want of their public exertions and entreated the advantage of their assistance These he found had long retired in disgust impossible to bear the affronts and humiliations they had sustained from men to whom—though unable to judge of any thing worthy public notice—they must implicitly submit or retire while supercilious coxcombs in science only by dint of cringing and patronage were to set the pattern which the enlightened were to follow
Not to dwell longer at present on a matter selfevident to every man of sense in the kingdom but our hero he found greatly to his disappointment that if he had wished to commit to destruction every trait of real merit he had hit upon the very way of all others to effectuate his purpose He therefore—in imitation of those men of genius whose disgust
against managers and pity for themselves and the degenerate age in which they lived had been so worthily excited—soon determined to retire To do this he farmed out his share for an annuity which—finding it would be ill paid—he afterwards fold for an inconsiderable sum and thus his failure of raising the glory of the arts in Great Britain cost him only about eighteen hundred pounds
He was not however dismayed at this His intentions were the best in the world and how could he prevent either the vitiated taste of the public or the imposition of its purveyors
His second scheme was to give a temporary relief—all he could do—to debtors during that intermediate detention between the capture and the commitment to prison He had as I have noticed paid a very nice attention to arrests in the earliest stages He had come at instances of men who by being brutally dragged out of their shops for a paltry sum to a spunging house and kept there under various illegal pretences for several days—though ultimately released—had in the interim totally lost their credit and were never again able to hold up their heads He had found that bailiffs in consequence of such scandalous practices and extravagant charges at their houses had realized
large fortunes nay he learnt beyond all contradiction of one who had for a great length of time amassed annually three thousand pounds and was sure that some others were not much behind hand yet this intolerable expence and shameful disgrace was nothing to the barbarous want of feeling and diabolical unconcern which tortured the poor debtor in this legal purgatory
To remedy this evil at least in some degree our hero hit upon a plan that promised good success He took the lease of a large house had it partitioned into a number of convenient apartments stored it with every proper article for his purpose procured a victuallers licence and placed a man in it of whom he had the best opinion but whom he obliged to bring a responsible person to be joint security with him to the sheriff
To this hotel debtors were by advertisement advised to go the moment they were arrested—for it is then in their power to insist upon being carried where they please—and there for onefourth perhaps onefifth of that sum for which they would be served with food and liquor they could neither eat nor drink and huddled promiscuously among filth and nastiness without a retreat unless perhaps by paying a still more exorbitant price where they
could consult their friends—they were neatly accommodated well served and in short provided with every pleasurable convenience and humane attention that could at such a moment be most agreeable to them Added to this an attorney of abilities had a salary to attend every inmate of that hospitable mansion with advice according to each mans different case
This liberal plan though it was a little mad and eccentric in something less than two years which time it lasted saved in the aggregate at least the sum of nineteen thou•and pounds in hard money to a set of unfortunate men and their families besides a world of humiliation and disgrace and what was a still greater advantage—by a fair appeal to the humanity of the creditor shewing him the impossibility of getting his money by sending a man to prison conjuring him to commiserate the sufferings of his fellow creatures and other arguments likely to disarm his anger—at least three hundred of those unfortunate men who would otherwise have gone to confinement and who it they did not die in it might almost as well do so for their credit would have been totally lost and their families reduced to poverty were given back to society mildly warned not to be guilty of future
indiscretions instead of thrown into a situation where strong necessity in spight of the best intentions must have inevitably plunged them into ten times worse
Our hero had a particular pleasure in being instrumental towards healing those meum and tuum breaches He very often accompanied the house attorney and was peculiarly happy with the creditor in that kind of argument which shewed him that he was like an angry school boy throwing one marble to find another and at last losing both In short he saw his benevolent institution thrive every day though it must be confessed to keepup its credit orders were now and then obliged to be given that no notorious swindlers or other well known sharpers might be admitted and this was pretty well managed by enquiring whether the debtors brought there were tradesmen or men of liberal professions or members of the church the army the court or of those other descriptions which would make it probable they were such objects as the spirit of the plan went to relieve Yet is it not astonishing that the world received this spirited innovation on official tyranny as a most unbecoming attempt to destroy the common usuage and sanctioned progress of the law It was called a mad scheme and one that would finish by converting the
house into a receptacle for lunatics where the founder would be the first person admitted
One very curious thing that our hero came at through his researches was that many of these cases originated from the folly and frequently something worse of the creditors themselves An overgrown tradesman would coax a neighbour of the same business into his debt and then arrest him to destroy his credit that so the coast might be left clear for himself Others would fasten upon minors whom they would supply upon long credit with bad goods at a high price and then arrest them the moment they became of age Many were the instances where booksellers musicshops and picturedealers had conferred obligations on those artists who had no medium but theirs through which to give their works to the world and who were arrested at the moment their creditor knew it was impossible to get any thing, merely that they might make over some valuable work for a trifle
Charles strenuously exerted himself upon these occasions but he generally found the creditor inexorable and the poor devil o• a debtor obliged to submit to terms which must still further involve him with his hard taskmaster
Our hero saw the folly of persuasion and still more of proposing any accommodation through his own means Indeed it was out of his power to give way to the dictates of his philanthropy in any case which Emma when she heard of greatly approved for she said that Dean SWIFT rigid as he was could not bring his excellent plan of lending money in small sums to the perfection he wished it without endangering his fortune To which she added by way of comment
that very few but men of indifferent fortunes thought liberally which was a dreadful business since none but those of ample ones had it in their power to act so
Charles nevertheless found means of remitting to the wife or daughter what a strict attention to the plan demanded from the father which was however always managed so discreetly that nobody could tell from whence it came but by guess Gratitude however constantly gave the act to its right owner and thus was our hero frequently slandered for his benevolence for was it not plain that the person so befriended might have starved in prison but for the beauty of his wife or his daughter—though for aught they knew one might be blind and the other deformed
Charles foresaw that he should incur a good deal
of this slander and indeed he was obliged to take an extraordinary step at the outset to avoid the impossibility of carrying on his scheme without the total ruin of his reputation This was to admit no women who were arrested lest wretches void of honour should be sent there upon either real or imaginary actions to the discredit of the house—It is true many of these things were attempted but when they were peremptorily informed that there was no sort of accommodation they soon desisted and this as much as any thing, kept away sharpers for they can herd only with women of the above description
Thus was this asylum appropriated according to its original institution to men under misfortune only It wore a sober decent appearance and instead of riot extravagance gambling and profligacy it exhibited a society of people in distress it is true but profiting by each others advice and assistance Women of credit and reputation were not ashamed to be seen there and the consolation of near and tender relations was never interrupted by rude and brutal intimidations nor was any opportunity ever lost of cheering the wretched and softening the sufferings of the unfortunate
In the mean time a number of unpleasant attempts
were made to destroy this desirable asylum for the afflicted Bailiffs make fortunes in two ways by either carrying a man to their houses and so spunging upon him till he is drained of all his money or else by taking a compliment as they call it in proportion to the sum for which he is arrested and then taking his word that is to say letting him go Now it happened that our heros plan so trenched upon this first method that they were obliged oftener than had been their custom to have recourse to the second Thus being obliged to trade upon an unusual risk several of them who did not properly know their men came into scrapes and nothing among them was talked of but motions of court suspensions and other unseasonable matters which made them look about them in earnest for they plainly saw that if Charless asylum was found to be of public utility and taken up upon a larger plan bailiffs might even return to their former vocations of knights of the post bullies to bawdy houses thieftakers and runners to gaols
With a number of such low enemies against him no wonder if our hero met with a thousand insults It will not however be so necessary for me to spin out trifling matters as to enumerate them He never failed to put the law severely in force against them whenever they infringed their duty and as to any
thing else he held it beneath him to notice it—But now a matter of serious consequence indeed happened to him He was one evening arrested for three thousand pounds Supposing this some manoeuvre that he could easily get rid of to the confusion of the tribe of the catch poles he insisted upon going to his own house of security but this favour was peremptorily denied him with an information that the officer who kept it was suspended for that he had connived at the escape of a person who had been confined there for a debt of three thousand pounds that the sheriff had been fixed for the debt and now came upon him as one of the securities
In short the fellow who had so long kept his credit with our hero in the execution of his trust as sheriffs officer—a post as we have seen that may be filled with reputation—after having been a long time tampered with and yet resisting every temptation was at last overcome
A swindler owed virtually to one man a thousand pounds but literally three thousand The circumstance is worth attending to This one man was a rascally attorney found out by a set of as rascally bailiffs who were determined to knock up
Charless plan He sent for the swindler asked him the amount of all his debts and was informed they were something more than three thousand pounds He was then desired to inform himself whether they could not be paid with a thousand
This enquiry was made and it was found they could for he had no creditor but would be glad to take a third for the whole seeing they stood no other chance of getting any
Before any further step was taken the security of Charless factotum was tampered with—at first distantly—who appearing not very shy as they called it was at length plainly informed how he might touch a thousand pounds In short finding him apt they proposed if he could prevail on the officer to connive at an escape they should receive a thousand pounds each The affairs of the security were going down and he had no doubt but he should induce his friend to consent In short the scruples of both were at length overcome
This being accomplished the swindlers debts were paid with a thousand pounds the attorney received documents which made him appear to stand in the shoes of the creditors to the amount of three
thousand pounds For this sum was the swindler arrested for this sum was the sheriff fixed in consequence of his escape and for this sum—after the factotum and his security were paid their money and fairly put into a post chaise—was our hero four days in custody at the end of which time rather inconveniently he paid the money and procured his enlargement
Thus did the attorney who was ostensible for the bailiffs receive the original money they had advanced bribe their agent with double that sum procure the swindlers liberty and all at Charless expence—who now saw it would be utterly impossible for him to carry his humane plan any farther
Bigoted however to his project and having seen the best effects from it he waited on men of larger fortune with a view to advise with them how to perfect an undertaking of such material utility—He exposed the conduct of it with the minutest nicety and shewed how much money as well as happiness he had been the instrument of restoring to his fellow creatures in distress
Unfortunately he was disappointed in every application—for
finding after a critical statement of the accounts that he had at no time made seven per cent of his money—indeed he did not make more than four for he inserted none of those expences to be laid to the account of his benefactions—he could not find a single creature to engage in it
His last application was to the sheriffs but their answer was that they had no notion of putting the business out of the common channel and indeed they were no friends to the scheme for it had injured the emoluments of their office by preventing the accumulation of arrests Nay they had heard men in power hint that it was an idle meddling scheme and among other public inconveniences it had decreased the stamp duty
As the limits of our heros fortune would not permit him to become security again for a person to manage the house and as it would answer no end to let it to a thorough bred sheriffs officer he was obliged to drop the affair lamenting that his circumstances were so straitened that he could not carry it to that perfection he wished and feeling severely for the dignity of human nature when he reflected that in all his researches he had not
been able to transfer benevolence upon the easy terms of good pecuniary interest sweetened with the benedictions of the unfortunate
THAT I may carry our hero the whole length of his tether while I am about it I shall proced to plan the third though it must be observed that these schemes were all in agitation at once so full of vivacity were his actions when he panted to succour his fellow creatures
This third scheme went to the relief of the poor at large and indeed so did the fourth One was a plan to sell them bread under the standard price and the other meat
To carry the first into execution a watermill was built and a bakehouse annexed to it The matter was found very practicable the original money yielded at least six per cent and the poor even then were served with better bread and saved
at least a penny out of every sixpence Nothing could be more simple nor more effective The sparring of the bakers was more easily kept within bounds than that of the bailiffs Indeed as our hero meant to make his expences the ground of a memorial for the better regulation of so material an article his competitors were rather inclined to conciliate than aggravate matters
The scheme for regulating the price of meat could not be conducted in a manner so within himself as the other He therefore could not avoid connecting himself with a grazier and a butcher In the choice of these he used every precaution his most watchful and diligent prudence could suggest
At length having settled the matter to his mind the plan was began and carried on for some time with astonishing success though he could not restrain his partners from making more interest for their money than he wished yet with these and many other clogs upon it the advantages to the poor were considerable The forestallers however at last so harassed and inconvenienced the concern that in about seven weeks after the hospitable asylum was put down our hero had the mortification to see his name in the Gazette as partner of Daniel
Driver and Anthony Garbage graziers butchers dealers and chapmen
We have seen the young gentleman in a state of astonishment before how he felt at this intelligence we can the readier conceive But still his situation varied a little from the rest He never saw himself before upon the brink of poverty However after the first shock he received great consolation from the consciousness of his own good intentions and he contented himself with only adding to the first transport of his indignation—which was pretty violent—that men were wolves and vultures and that the greatest act of madness a man could be guilty of was an attempt to civilize them
The first step he took was an endeavour to supersede the bankruptcy as far as related to himself upon a plea that he was able to satisfy his own creditors by paying twenty shillings in the pound
Poor inexperienced young man He little knew that was the worst plea he could offer It availed him nothing His effects were overhauled his mill was sold and after obtaining his certificate in form he found himself possessed of no more than between three and four hundred pounds
Thus were overthrown all our projectors hopes which though they certainly were a system of reform utterly beyond his ability to mature yet he surely merited no reproach for having made such a laudable attempt
As I have already observed there never was perhaps an instance of a welldisposed young man who was in so trying a way let alone entirely to the bent of his own disposition That disposition evidently led him to alleviate the wants of his fellow creatures If in this he aimed at more than he could accomplish let it be attributed to a liberal expanded propensity to confer benefits a noble giving beneficent principle of action which must be endowed in an uncommon degree with courageous generosity to risk in supplying the wants of others the existence of that source from which those wants were supplied
As to the vehicles through which this benevolence was dispensed they certainly wanted riper experience more consequence and a larger fund to manage them for as it was our heros conduct—especially as to his two first schemes—was a sort of Quixotism in liberality But yet had the folly been ten times more egregious it was still but folly whereas the intention in so young a man so
unadvised so left to his own propensities requires a word to express its deserts much stronger than any dictionary will give us and which one might have an idea of by fancying—if one could do so without violating language—something that implied a meaning about ten times as expressive as the superlative degree of admirable
Nine out of ten however reviled Charless conduct in the most humiliating terms He had a hundred nick names He was the infant Hercules the mad projector the opulent beggar the beneficent catchpole Timon in tatters and ninetyfive other things all as good as these But in the midst of this it must have mortified his enemies to death and raised the praise of all good men to that very unspeakable degree of admiration I mentioned in the last paragraph had they accompanied the gradual decline of his circumstances with remarks on his becoming conduct and then seen how he sat himself down in adversity
When first he returned to England he had an elegant house and kept his carriage The moment he was out of parliament he sold off his carriage took a smaller house and lived more privately till step by step we now see him only decently lodged with an old gentlewoman who had been
his housekeeper for his only attendant Yet did every sixpence of those superfluities he curtailed go to relieve the distressed for it was his constant method to retreat in time that so nothing might be spared to accomplish his great and liberal purposes
There is something also beautiful and I hope it so strikes the reader in reflecting that when Charles was driven to the necessity of discarding all his servants but one he should retain the oldest and most helpless among the number and to finish this picture if it has so far interested the reader let it melt him into friendly generous sympathy when I heighten it by bringing on a grateful honest group of now happy objects through the means of his beneficence lamenting the state to which alone his compassionate generosity had reduced him venting their admiration of a mind so charitable yet so young invoking benedictions on his head for the benefits they had themselves through him and from his hands received and conjuring him to accept their thankful mite for his present assistance
I can only say that no glutton ever sat down to a banquet with half the satisfaction that Charles felt at this sight He thanked them with tears assured
them that his situation was a trifling concern since it had mended theirs that he had resources and so little repented of what had past that had he again fifteen thousand pounds he would give it with pleasure to have the charming satisfaction of enjoying such another moment
During all this time our heros correspondence with Annette went on variously Sometimes Emma was obliged to be extremely cautious and at other times all caution was altogether as unnecessary—This happened just as Charles rose or sunk in the opinion of Sir Sidney who had really—finding him such an original—watched his conduct with great attention
In parliament he had remarked that though there was great singularity in it there was also great consistency and what was better great integrity—and much about the time when Emma adjusted the correspondence between the lovers was really inclined to think that he had been wronged or that he had the strangest mixture of good and ill qualities in him that ever was heard of when Mr Gloss contrived while Sir Sidneys sentiments were in this equipoise to make our heros virtues kick the beam with a single fillup
In short he had then as usual an opportunity of turning one of his good actions into the appearance of a very bad one and he had no doubt but by this means he should be able to make the baronets dubious thoughts preponderate on the side that would be least to Charless advantage
Gloss took the very first opportunity that he heard Sir Sidney say any thing tending to Charless praise of remarking that good men were always the most easy to be imposed upon and in this he said very true for he was then going to impose upon Sir Sidney He followed this declaration up with another expressing his great reluctance that it should fall to his lot to bring forward accusations continually against Mr Hazard and in particular lest the censorious world—for he was sure Sir Sidney would do him more justice—should think he had a farther interest in such conduct than mere impartial justice and a desire that a gentleman so dear to him and indeed to the world in general should undeceive himself in an opinion undeservedly entertained of one who not only plunged himself every day into some fresh vice but indeed seemed to set shame and even decency at defiance He insisted that benevolence extended to bad objects was a sort of crime it was a tacit admission though not approval of their conduct and might in men to
whom the world looked up as it did to Sir Sidney for example, be so construed He took the liberty to add that if his dear friend had a foible—though to be sure it was amiable in the extreme—this was it
In short after a proper dose of gilded flattery he informed the baronet that it was then a week since our hero had turned a poor wretch whom he had seduced from her friends into the streets with all the shocking circumstances of shame and wretchedness The way he came to the truth of this was the miserable creature hearing he was one of Mr Hazards friends had called upon him and related the whole shocking business with such simplicity and apparent truth that he had been induced to relieve her and intended visiting her father to try if he could not prevail on him to receive his repentant child into the bosom of her family
Sir Sidney seemed greatly shocked with this story and upon Mr Glosss repeated entreaty consented not only to see this unhappy girl but to use his interest with her father who was it seems a substantial tradesman to take her back again
Not to let the matter cool the baronet saw the
young lady was afterwards introduced to a person who kept wine vaults in Petty France who confessed himself her father and had the good fortune after using a variety of arguments first to prevail on him to see and afterwards forgive the reclaimed sinner to whom Sir Sidney presented one fifty pounds and Mr Gloss another accon panied with good counsel in some mens estimation to fifty times that value
The story the young lady told Sir Sidney was briefly this that Charles had taken uncommon pains to seduce her but being tired with possession had now turned her off that she verily believed dearly as she loved him and ever should his principal motive in a connection with her was interest This the gentleman in Petty France believed too for he assured Sir Sidney that when she went off she carried two hundred pounds with her But the lady said had he found his account in this expectation she did not think she should have kept him long for she soon found that he had fallen in love with a girl whose mother he had taken out of a spunging house and this she said was so true that the mother lived with him at that time in quality of housekeeper and the daughter was put out to a milliner in a house where she was to be taken in
partnership when her apprenticeship should be expired
Many circumstances were adduced to prove the truth of these allegations and as far as it related to our heros protestations though they were but in general terms there was enough under his handwriting which Sir Sidney knew to corroborate his connection with her and parting from her particularly the latter in which the baronet thought he discovered a remarkable vein of cruel and insulting levity
I believe it is scarcely necessary to add that the lady was Miss Newton that she had been tutored by Gloss that the man at the wine vaults was occasionally a convenient friend of hers that these two divided Sir Sidneys bounty and gave Glosss back again This admitted our heros letters will not appear extraordinary especially the last at which the baronet was so incensed which accompanied the hundred pounds he sent her the day after he had detected her and as it happened according to the partial construction now put upon it to apply so directly in favour of the lady by exhibiting a want of feeling in the gentleman I shall here insert it
The reader will keep in mind that the gentlemans name was Nantz who kept the wine vaults
Being so well set up in a business by which as long as your youth lasts you can get a good maintenance you will the less regret my leaving you I dare say I need not advise you to make your market while you can Do so and welcome for there is no future comfort I do not wish you so it be not procured at the expence of
The reader who is with me in the secret will find this letter quite delicate It laughs off a very great injury it is besides in a style well adapted to the person to whom it is addressed and there is something very delicate in the circumstance of taking no notice of what it enclosed We however must commend Sir Sidney and had we been as he was ignorant of the real truth we should have thought as he did
It must be confessed that in spight of Glosss moderation Sir Sidney exulted a little at this story
He came home full of it and as he had seen Charless handwriting and besides nobody could think of doubting his veracity even Emma herself was for the present unprepared or at least appeared so to defend her favourite which indeed vexed her not a little because she had just got the correspondence in such a nice train She contented herself therefore with saying that it had been said there were two ALEXANDERS one invincible the son of PHILIP the other inimitable the production of APELLES At present it might be said there were two Mr Hazards one good and benevolent represented by the world the other vile and diabolical painted by Mr Gloss That for her part she did not approve of premature condemnations they were generally repented of They had not yet heard both sides of the question except in one instance where Mr Hazard was cleared greatly to his honour She said she should not have scrupled to disbelieve the whole of this business but for the circumstance of the letters With that proof she should rest contented for Sir Sidney had the evidence of his own senses to go upon She wished most truly he would never credit any thing but through that medium
She allowed the young gentleman had failings nor was it to be wondered at TELEMACHUS though
with Minerva for his guide fell into the errors of his father What must this young man do helpless and alone—who never had occasion for his friends till he had lost them—and how lost them It was not then a moment to investigate that She should therefore say she acquiesced in the truth of our heros faults but it should be upon this condition that if he had weakness it was the weakness of an angel
Sir Sidney begged she would retain her good opinion of Mr Hazard it was perfectly consistent with her romantic notions but desired she would not so far make a ← novel → of the business as to let her friendship interfere with her duty
Sir said Emma if to have your interest tenderly at heart be to neglect my duty no duty was ever so neglected
Come come said Gloss you need not vaunt your fidelity Mrs Emma till it is disputed—we see what you are
It is easily seen answered Emma very mildly what I am and it will one day sir be seen what you are and—Mr Gloss—WHO you are
Sir Sidney would certainly have rebuked Emma very sharply for this strange freedom but that he saw at the instant it was uttered the strongest marks of confusion in the countenance of Gloss—These to be sure he endeavoured to pass off by hinting that the liberty Mrs Emma had taken was very extraordinary but this he did so slightly—fearing probably a few more of those choke pears—that the baronet was assured so significant an expression would not have been levelled by Emma or received by him in the manner it had were there not something of an extraordinary nature couched under it He thought however the wisest way at present would be to break up the conversation He therefore told Emma he was assured she had the best intentions and begged Mr Gloss would forgive her if any thing she had said in her haste offended him
Gloss took him at his word with great eagerness totally unlike himself and this augmented Sir Sidneys suspicions
Now it happened that had Emma found it convenient she could have consuted the whole of this calumny and in a way greatly to our heros honour but this would have brought up matters which in spight of all her diligence were not yet ripe enough for investigation The fact is that she had made herself not a little uneasy at this very circumstance before which she had first learnt through some invidious intimations from Gloss and had very carefully watched the matter till at length her fears were at an end upon our heros leaving Miss Newton owing she had no doubt to the more agreeable commerce in which she had now engaged him and this roused in her a reflection greatly to his credit for if the bare mention of a correspondence with a woman of honour could induce such a youth to give up a guilty connection unsolicited what might not have been expected from him had his
other pursuits been sanctioned by the advice of sensible and respectable friends And yet prudence had whispered to Emma that it was certainly but yet barely possible for Charles to have given up Miss Newton in compliment to his housekeepers daughter This business therefore she made a point of coming at to do which she visited the old lady one day when our hero as she knew was engaged at his mill about five miles out of town
There was something in this old lady that had before strongly prepossessed Emma in her favour and as the latter came not out of any improper curiosity to make an advantage of any thing she should hear to the others disadvantage and as the former had never made a secret of the story but on the contrary though against our heros will taken every opportunity of singing forth his praises by repeating the circumstances of it as far as he had been concerned in it to every one who asked it it will not either surprise the reader to hear that Emma got out of the old gentlewoman the particulars of her whole life or that when she had done so she admired the extraordinary goodness of Charles more than ever—and here the reader will reflect with double pleasure that this was the very domestic or rather companion he retained in his circumstances of adverse fortune
The old lady having first like Othello told her story in parcels Emma begged to have it from her youth up the which to hear did she most seriously incline What she told at length I shall give the reader briefly for I have no time for spinning out narratives
She was the daughter of a gentleman who had a life place in a public office and had been thrown very early in life with a small fortune into the protection of an aunt who unfortunately being a woman of intrigue connived at her ruin Her seducer by whom she had a child was a clergyman but as he soon left her she was compassionated by another relation who took her home obliged the father to take the child which was a boy and got her fortune out of the hands of her aunt
It was not many months before a respectable tradesman paid his addresses to her and in spight of her misfortune offered her his hand nay he was the warmer on that account He knew she had been betrayed by a wicked woman and a sinner in the garb of a saint and therefore wanted a protector In short they became man and wife and had lived in great credit fiveandtwenty years when falling into difficulties through the villany of some notorious swindlers and innocently getting
the ill will of a pettifogging attorney her husband whose name was Marlow was one of those whose reputation had been totally ruined by vexatious arrests in the way I have already described
Our hero strenuously exerted himself in the poor mans behalf and with great difficulty—but not till all his connections scared by this temporary misfortune had deserted him—obtained his liberty from a spunging house where he laid thirteen days in a most cheerless condition during which time he was witness to the riotous profligacy of some of those very men who had wilfully caused his misfortunes
The loss of his credit added to a severe cold he had caught by lying in a damp bed threw him into a fever which in spight of every caution hurried him out of the world in a very short time He died recommending his widow and her daughter to the protection of our hero now the only friend he had in the world
The old lady as it has been shewn was appointed Charless housekeeper and the young one who was the only remaining child out of eleven was put into business exactly in the manner Mr Gloss related who always made it a rule to keep truth as
much in view as he conveniently could in all his stories
This was the account that Emma had she found it expedient might have opposed to the other to which also she was prepared to add that so far from his having seduced Miss Newton she was not only a notoriously abandoned character but that Mr Gloss knew it She contented herself however with the few hints she had given which she was pleased to find had told just as she wished they should
If Emma was however satisfied for the present I cannot say so much for Sir Sidney who the first time he was alone with his lady asked her freely her sentiments on this subject and in particular how she could account for the freedom of Emmas conduct
Lady Roebuck said he might be assured there was not in existence a more faithful creature that however no duty could induce her to be what she conceived ungrateful or unjust that she had certainly the highest opinion of Mr Hazard and had set her heart upon his union with Annette but that as his fortune daily diminished and the pretensions of Mr Gloss were daily more and more established
she trembled for her favourite of whom she would not credit any ill till every thing could be established by a fair investigation which for her own part seeing neither side was willing to make the first motion she thought would never take place
One great proof Lady Roebuck said both of the attachment of Emma and the delicacy of those sentiments by which she supported it was that though her predelection in favour of Mr Hazard was evident yet she had never used any unbecoming arguments to Annette on the subject but contrary to this had always held out that the commands of her father—which only urged her to make an effort to overcome that affection which to be sure the whole family had formerly sanctioned—were very lenient and truly characteristic of the charming mind of a parent who had upon every occasion been remarkable for his indulgence towards his daughter
In this however Lady Roebuck neither told nor knew the truth for Emma privately kept up her affection for Charles and increased her aversion to Gloss
But said Sir Sidney what meant that strange side accusation of Mr Gloss What did she mean
by saying it would be known who he was Had I not been averse to lower the consequence of a gentleman before a dependant I would have insisted on an explanation of that expression
Lady Roebuck went on in these words
My dear Sir Sidney you know with what reluctance I have ever ventured to say a word on this subject I own I have been myself greatly prepossessed in favour of Mr Hazard We all at one time esteemed him as a most amiable young man and though we have had what has been thought strong proofs against him yet as Emma says only one side of the question has been heard and I confess from some internal impulse which may perhaps be the effect of my sanguine wishes for this young gentlemans welfare—which wishes were inspired by the dying and pathetic request of his mother for whom we had all a tender friendship—I cannot yet consent to pronounce him from my own conviction guilty of such very enormous offences which could not be perpetrated but by a mind capable of the most hardened and incorrigible wickedness a disposition which is rarely produced suddenly and of which his by what we have seen of it promised exactly the reverse
While I say this however continued Lady Roebuck I will not contend how far these feelings are right They may be falsely entertained perhaps impelled by the motives I have mentioned while your riper judgment and better knowledge of the world have enabled you to form a truer and more decided opinion of the truth in which case it would be strange vanity however right my intentions in entertaining these sentiments if I did not as upon all other occasions implicitly submit to yours
Sir Sidney kissed her perhaps for her obedience said she was a charming creature and desired her to go on
As to Annette added Lady Roebuck I shall there be still more backward to give either advice or opinion for very many reasons necessarily delicate but one is which is the most pleasurable that never was advice to a young tender sensible creature so little needed she is all you can wish from inclination or hope from duty yet I honestly believe she regards Mr Hazard more warmly than any other person in the world Not however that her prepossession in his favour has made her sentiments to Mr Gloss otherwise than they would have been had she never seen him
She deports herself upon all occasions with that sweet native dignity in which pure unaffected loveliness is sure to be seen and therefore Mr Gloss has had no reason to complain of receiving that portion of her favour which all those command from her who come sanctioned with the partiality of her father but be assured that at present he is almost the last person in the world she wishes to think of as a husband Yet I will not say that were you so far to exert the authority of a father as to insist upon her marrying him she would refuse for I sincerely believe she has so singular a sense of implicit duty that she would give up her own happiness to promote yours—This allowed every thing remains well you will never exert so rigorous a duty and she will never take any steps to disoblige you
Upon my soul said Sir Sidney it is impossible to hear you without being charmed you have so the knack of smoothing every difficulty It is not wonderful there should be such perfection in Annette when she can look up to you for her example
My dear answered Lady Roebuck whatever little my assiduity and endeavours have effected in the blameless and admirablyregulated
conduct of your daughter Emmas care and attention have performed a great deal more That good that astonishing creature makes virtue the most endearing thing in the world and contrives to give its attractions a winning cheerfulness that induces its performance not more as a duty than as a familiar and enchanting pleasure Much more yet however is owing to Annette herself the sweetness of whose unaffected manners the gaiety of whose angelic dsposition and the unsullied purity of whose charming mind anticipate every attempt to inspire goodness for where should we find virtue but in its abode
All this only convinces me said the baronet that I ought to consider myself the happiest husband and father in the world As to Emma I readily believe her a prodigy of honour and integrity All I have to find fault with is that she is often unnecessarily zealous and that her virtue is now and then a little too outrageous One instance of this we have recently seen and I should be glad to know if you can possibly give a guess at what she would be at for I must confess I have an anxious desire to know and yet am very unwilling to resort to her for intelligence therefore as you saw I put an end to the conversation
My dear Sir Sidney said Lady Roebuck I own I am not sorry for this opportunity of saying what I think is Emmas opinion of Mr Gloss on the contrary I shall take the liberty of following it with my own
Emma thinks Mr Gloss a man of great talents but having discovered in him a specious plausibility which she says men of independant circumstances or principles are never under the necessity of having recourse to she will insist upon it he is not an eligible match for Annette
There is a mystery an obscurity in the very best accounts we have learnt concerning him that leaves his qualities with Emma in a very negative situation and inclines her to think he will one day or other be found an impostor It has been urged that your correspondent at Madeira gives him the character of an able man of business says he was a merchant first at Lisbon and afterwards at Madeira and that he profusely spent a large fortune He himself since says he received a handsome sum on account of his fathers affairs and that a much larger remains unpaid but that India matters are slow and insecure But Emma opposes to this quaintly but smartly enough that suppose they were fast and certain would
they tell in his favour against his monstrous debts On account of which she insinuates it was well he secured himself a seat in parliament At the same time she does not deny but his external conduct is perfectly blameless and that he has openly a number of engaging and valuable qualities but she suspects that half these are put on and accounts for this suspicion under an idea that it is his study to render himself agreeable by administering to that passion he sees most predominant in the person he would play upon Thus he knows with you he cannot have a recommendation like generosity and benevolence and in the exercise of these though but in appearance he insures himself a place in your esteem And these truths for truths she will have them to be are the more strongly rooted in her mind by a firm belief that all we have heard against Mr Hazard originates from him
Now I grant there is an air of extravagance in these conjectures nevertheless though chequered by strong predelection and being but one conjecture hazarded againd another probability is not one moment neglected The very best accounts of him call him a man of unbounded extravagance which surely has close relation to profligacy Then if he is in debt as much as the
world says were he tomorrow out of parliament he must be totally without fortune in which case would he be an eligible husband for Annette
As to his accommodating disposition which Emma is so angry at he will not practice it with much success upon you who know the world or it would be very hard full as well as Mr Gloss and for the article of his practices against Mr Hazard—which I confess I hardly know how not to admit—it would be an ungentlemanlike advantage which I am sure you would be the first to resent
In short Emma thinks him an impostor who will one day or other be found out and for my own part I wish his condu•… was a little less equivocal though under these or any other circumstances I fear no surprise from him or any other while you are upon your guard
Sir Sidney having heard his good lady to an end thanked her for her very kind sensible mild and considerate speech which he said had nothing new or uncommon in it from her but was only one of those innumerable instances which he had received of the sweet benevolence of her gentle nature It
seemed however to demand something on his part and he should answer it he hoped perfectly to the purpose
He began by admitting that Mr Glosss account of himself at first sight was equivocal but however we must not say a thing is false because we could not prove it true Mr Glosss father appeared to be an obscure character but there was nothing new in that among people who made fortunes in India The young gentleman had certainly been extravagant he had now however retrenched and lived within bounds That there was to be sure something in the report of his being in debt for he had himself given him a faithful account of it but the money coming from India would satisfy all those matters and leave a handsome surplus That as to his good qualities they were something more than external the assistance he had given to Castlewick which was richer and much more extensive through his advice and exertions was a proof of it But he had other qualities other talents which among liberal men were paramount to either birth or fortune and ranked him preeminently among those whose names were transmitted to posterity He had all that was necessary to make a consummate statesman and he had no doubt but the period was not far distant when he would be seen to adorn
one of the first situations under government—When this should be the case no objection could possibly lie against him and he owned he should then be sorry to hear his daughter refuse him for a husband
As to any practices of his against the reputation of Mr Hazard they certainly existed only in Mrs Emmas imagination for it had been his uniform practice to defend that unfortunate young gentleman as long as truth and reason would permit him but when proofs came so thick that a man must be blind not to see them he like every body else was obliged to yield to conviction
As to Mr Hazard every thing he did was absurdity and illjudged profusion He was at that moment engaging in schemes which could not be effected by men of immense fortune and immense influence and what was worse under the colour of munificence the view was profit In short with a few thousands he was in more ways than one new modelling customs which had been long cordially received and well established and that the consequence of this dream of riches and popularity would be his waking probably in a few months a
beggar in which case could he be called an eligible husband for Annette
As to the variety of crimes laid to his charge he would agree that but one side had been heard but whose fault was it Why did he not if his cause would bear it defend himself Why truly he chose to take the matter in dudgeon to look highly and feel himself offended because people chose to believe what they heard This might be a good cloak to hide a weak plea but did not at all look like innocence which so far from fearing investigation he said always sought it
Had any thing like this been seen in Mr Hazard So sar from seeking the smallest explanation had he not industriously shunned all such opportunities Nay was he not so conceitedly proud so ridiculously vain when he had been supposed—for to this moment it was not a certainty—to have behaved generously as to reject with contempt the acknowledgement of this imaginary kindness and disclaim the friendship of the man he would fain be thought to have obliged
Upon the whole he said these were his ideas: that, in a worldly point of view Mr Gloss was infinitely
a preferable husband for Annette His talents were brilliant he was himself very popular and would most probably one day be in a most elevated situation On the contrary Mr Hazard—whose talents also were very conspicuous and whose accomplishments were not inferior to any mans—by a perverse pride and false consequence would every day become lower in the worlds opinion till he found himself starving with independant principles
However said Sir Sidney you have named yourself the compact and I subscribe to it while I find Annette obedient I shall not be unreasonable In the interim as I sincerely believe that Mr Gloss will certainly be possessed of both honour and fortune—more perhaps than I have a right to expect in a soninlaw—I desire he may be considered in the light of one whom I have chosen to fill that character
This retrospective chapter shews how matters stood in Sir Sidneys family about the time Charles began to be a projector from which moment to that in which his name appeared in the Gazette he gradually sunk in the opinion of the baronet for through the connivance of the forestallers of law and beef his name was bandied about in the newspapers like a tennis ball in which inoffensive
amusement Mr Gloss was not idle but when the Whereas made its appearance and the title of butcher was added to our heros name I sincerely believe had there been no such man as Mr Gloss or indeed no other than Charles Annette might have died a virgin or married without her fathers consent
As to Emma she entered into all the spirit of our heros schemes with enthusiasm She declared it folly and ignorance to condemn them that the very enemies they begat were the strongest proofs of their utility that they evinced a nobleness of soul beyond all example in so young a man and that if Castlewick was a molehill in the scale of liberality Charless projects were a mountain
In short—and I cannot help thinking with her—Emma saw so large so benificent so admirable a system of general good in them that nothing but the envy of individuals and the degeneracy of the public could prevent their arriving to that maturity which would perpetuate the projects and the projector
Emma greatly feared however the success of that scheme that went to cure the abuses of the law
for well said she did Pope Pius the Second observe that those who go to law are the birds that the court is the field that the judges are the net and the lawyers the fowlers
I shall now return to Charles who that he might understand the extent of not only his possessions but his expectations received the day after he became a free man an account that his noble brother was blest with an heir to his title and estate
As our hero had long accustomed himself to look up to no one for assistance he now saw the absolute necessity of sitting down without embarrassment to consider in what way he should make his talents turn out to his advantag To do this he looked his situation full in the face and immediately with a sigh of affection and regret blest the remembrance of that provident father who had seemed to have foreseen this moment and armed him against it His pen had already been celebrated in the highest terms of panegyric His pencil
had procured him very lavish encomiums even from the most flourishing artists and his talent for music was allowed not to be inferior to either of the others He therefore thought it hard if he could not live independantly when he had three such resources At the same time he knew that to become a public man he must condescend and in order to do so all former high prejudices and perspective notions of situation and opulence must be conquered for though the public was a noble and liberal master yet his would be at best a situation of mental servitude
His next idea was how he should render his abities worthy of such an illustrious patronage and the result of this reflection became naturally a resolution to produce works of general utility such as would promote the cause of genius and literature and were dear to the interests of virtue and morality
And now to wean himself from all vain expectations His first effort was an adieu to Annette which would have been poetry but that there was too much of the heart in it to be dressed in the garb of fiction There was so much pure feeling indeed noble selfdenial and exalted love in it that it took but a few minutes to write it The anguish
of that short time could scarcely be repaid by an age of happiness It was like tearing the vitals and Emma when she read it declared that the agony of the young Spartan was nothing to it for the reader sees the difficulty was to bear the torment yet give the consolation This was the letter
THIS letter best of creatures is supported by the strongest proof I ever yet gave you of my love I am no longer in a situation to look up to you and therefore must think no more of that happiness which can never be mine Let our resolution to part be mutual and worthy that affection which has no example but which fate will not indulge
Your love charming Annette equals mine but your task is easier You have a thousand consolations to which I am a stranger yet I readily set you an example which it would diminish the glory of your sentiments not to follow Imitate me willingly Let your love—which had made up the perfection of your character—in the
very moment while your heart yields to the diotates of your duty approve the noble resolution Ours were fond expectations providence has thought fit to disappoint them Let us not murmur then but retain those mutual good wishes as friends which we must not cherish as lovers
Adieu Fail not to let your resolution be like mine cool calm and collected so shall my Annette be additionally lovely to the soul—though fortune has denied her to the arms—of her
I will not say that these lines cost so little trouble to the mind of our hero as they appear to express for indeed he felt in proportion as he endeavoured to conceal his feelings This was the process:—Mrs Marlow brought him pen ink and paper—he sat down—wrote his letter—read it over—enclosed it to Emma—directed it—kissed it—gave it to a porter—assured Mrs Marlow he never was so pleased in his life—and then fell off the chair upon the ground in a state of insensibility
In short all the tricks of his French delirium and perhaps consumption would probably have
succeeded this event had he not received the next morning the following letter from Annette
To induce my admiration of the excess of your love and the delicacy of your sentiments the terrible though tender proof you gave me yesterday was unnecessary
Ah Charles have you no other argument to cure me of affection Must I forget you only because you prove yourself every day more worthy to be remembered—and can honour be so cruel as to require a sacrifice of my happiness at the shrine of what the world calls justice But your virtue should be more resolute than mine which is feminine and has and ought to have its weakness therefore learn I cannot obey you in this one hard injunction though it would be the pride of my life to submit to every other I will never cease to love you command me how you may I will be faithfully affectionately uniformly yours and as my father has promised me he will never insist upon my marrying any man I cannot love so you will plainly see I can never marry
any other than yourself So far however I agree with you that at present it will be improper to continue our correspondence for what length of time fortune knows best This however I know that it is both to my interest and my happiness to declare even to the whole world as firmly as I do to you that be your fortune what it may I shall ever be unalterably
Your own ANNETTE
The reader may judge what sort of cordial this letter proved to a lover who had been alternately shivering with low spirits or raving in a fever the whole night The faithful Mrs Marlow saw the progress of this medicine with tears of gratitude and our hero after reading it ten times kissing it five hundred and imploring all the angels in heaven to bless and protect so much beauty and goodness mustered up spirits enough to turn his mind again towards his affairs
Charles had upon two former occasions sent pictures to the royal academy as an honorary exhibiter When he attended the dinner upon St Lukes day he received from the president and several of the members the most extravagant marks
of applause He thought therefore he could not do a more eligible thing than to begin his scientific career by sending a couple of pictures to the next exhibition with a modest price affixed to them by way of advertisement that he meant in future to resort to painting among other things for a maintenance
The pictures were accompanied by a respectful letter to the president—who he doubted not would do him justice—intreating to be considered in future as a common and not an honourary exhibiter
This done he waited with impatience for the success of his stratagem The exhibition was adadvertised our hero received his ticket of admission and repaired to the place where for twenty minutes he could not find either of his pictures He tumbled over the catalogue which eased him of half his fear—for he had fancied they were both rejected—by informing him that one of his performances was certainly in some part of one of the rooms Vainly however did he search for a considerable while till at length being upon the point of giving the matter up elevating his sight in a nook close to the skylight he fancied he had discovered the object of his perquisition
The picture however was scarcely known to him though he had painted it for one single streak of light fell upon it at the right hand corner at the top which gleamed towards the centre where it rested in a speck while a sudden shadow occasioned by the projection of the chimney piece cut it across from the left hand corner at top to the right hand corner at bottom forming an angle with one half of the frame In short it had exactly the effect of a looking glass badly painted in a chamber scene for the theatre which idea must occur to every reader
This was not all Had either of the pictures been seen alone it could not possibly have had the smallest effect for they appertained to each other like question and answer Charles therefore saw it was an affront and was more strongly confirmed in this when he found his other picture tossed about with a hole in it Upon an application for redress he was told he might take away his daubings if he disliked their situation
Charles could not conceive how it could happen that professors of a liberal art knew so little of the manners of gentlemen but since he found it so he resolved to shew them he could right himself
even with the very tool for which they seemed so to despise him
To effect this he painted a picture to which was annexed this explanation
A sovereign prince in a certain country had built a palace to decorate which various potentates contributed many costly presents One among the rest sent a collection of pictures all the works of eminent artists That these might be distributed in advantageous situations the prince sent for the heads of the royal academy to perform that task as their judgment should direct them
After fixing several according to their distinction which indeed gave but little trouble for they were all as it appeared labelled they came to one about which they could not find this mark of distinction and therefore concluding that the picture was of no value they condemned it to be placed in the temple of Cloacina
Our heros picture represented the academecians marching with the picture in solemn procession to put the above sentence in execution The most active among them were those with whom he had
the greatest reason to be offended and the likenesses were so strong that it was impossible to mistake them But to crown the joke he introduced a portrait of himself in the foreground holding up the label they had vainly searched for—on which was written GUIDO
This picture he exhibited in an auction room hired for the purpose and for a time it actually drew away the company from the exhibition of the artists
He became immediately known and might have had some practice at portrait painting but finding it impossible to make people handsome enough he forewent this most servile of all mental drudgery and declared altogether for pieces of thought and fancy in which he found his genius more gratified These however nobody understood and they remained unsold A picture dealer or two offered to treat for them provided he would smoak them and varnish them repeatedly till they were all over cracks for in that case they would give them new names and pass them upon the public especially if there were a few holes burnt in the drapery or an eye poked out of the principal figure
This kind of servile imposition however our hero did not chuse to submit to and his pictures went unsold
Charles had become slightly acquainted with a young artist who appeared very anxious that he should push his fortune and informed him there was but one way which was portrait painting—Charles told him he had practised it without success
Ay but you did not go the right way to work answered the other It is not painting a ladys likeness will do you understand me—you must favour a lady with a living likeness if you wish to do any good In short if the painter be young and handsome—and damme if I think either you or I frightful—a lady sits to him with a view that he should make love to her And then such opportunities Please my dear maam to look at me—more full if you please—your eyes more languishing—now bite your under lip to pout it—smile if you please—very well Pray dont you think as this is a fancy dress that shoulder should be bare—a part of the neck seen—the rest throbbing as it were through the handkerchief Permit me to adjust it Heavens what a skin—what roundness—what tints The Venus of Titian was plaster to
it In short in adjusting her handkerchief her bosom throbs in good earnest she takes you to her arms and your labours become real nature instead of imitative
Charles laughed heartily at this description and then resuming a more serious air asked if there were any instances of these sort of amours
Indeed there are answered the other Genteel young fellows never need be without them and it is their own faults if they do not snap up fortunes But they are a set of stupid blockheads without manner or address and when they conceive an idea of that sort they generally come into disgrace It was but the other day a foolish brother of the brush made his declaration too prematurely—for you know my dear sir there is a manner a delicacy in such matters—and was kicked out of the house for his pains Master Musquito though was a little too cunning Ay he is a dry hand
Musquito said Charles What Musquito
Why you know well enough said the other Sir Sidney used to invite him to his house Dont you know what has happened to him Upon second
thoughts it must have happened while you were in France Only married to a woman of seven thousand a year that is all Ay ay they may talk of poets writing themselves into a ladys good graces or a musician tickling their ears but I say the painter is the man to succeed He situates the zones of his Venuses he festoons the petticoats of his buskined Dianas he—in short no man except a footman or a dancing master is so sure of success if he minds his hits
Well I hope you will mind yours said Charles but this you tell me of Musquito is astonishing
It is very true I assure you answered the other That sour crab that sloe that green medlar that cutlemon of a fellow has made a handsome womans mouth water to the tune of seven thousand a year But Lord you know nothing of what our old codgers are Do you think the nymphs who are drawn every evening come merely for the improvement of the young students No such thing They are procured for the recreation of the old ones I promise you But this is all well enough Let them live in luxury and abuse the royal bounty as much as they like but do not let them now they are past it themselves check the fair progress of young fellows like us who are endeavouring to push ourselves forward in the
world by the laudable exercise of our industry
And all its adventitious consequences said Charles among which you reckon of course our chance with the ladies
WE have seen the same mind in our hero as to revenge ever since we first noticed him If he aimed at punishing others it was with a view to general justice Certainly there could not be any thing more unhandsome than for a set of men established in their profession and established only for the purpose of giving novices their countenance and support to neglect the productions of a young man who was likely to ornament a liberal art and not only artfully conceal his merits but disjoint its effect so as had it been seen it could not have been understood
Their comment on his satirical picture was that matters were come truly to a fine pass if a young inexperienced dauber could dare to attack a royal corporation in such an audacious manner and then have the insolence by implication to call himself a GUIDO
Our hero however defended himself against this by saying that he did not profess painting and very likely should never take up a pencil again but as the picture told well with the public through the medium of those striking likenesses it contained he might modestly enough take to himself some little merit and as to the name of GUIDO it was evidently a stroke at their ignorance and not a mark of his own vanity for it did not say they are hiding my picture in a certain place though it has the merit of GUIDO but they are hiding GUIDO himself and this also says I forgive you for that neglect which originated from your ignorance for if you have served GUIDO in that manner why should I repine at being coupled with so great a painter
From the moment Charles set out as an artist he guarded against all consequences by supplying himself at his leisure moments with materials for forwarding his interest in every branch he professed Thus he had scarcely sent his pictures to the exhibition but he considered how he might make music turn to account He could not buckle to teaching music any more than to portrait painting for he plainly saw that none but the packhorses of music stood a chance in this branch Such as could exalt claws into a fine finger find sweet tones in a
dissonant squall in short submit to all the ignorant conceited airs of wirebreaking young Misses flatter their mammas dandle the younger children upon their knees deliver written appointments for assignations which were sometimes directed to themselves and such other kind of drudgery as appends to the duty of these under servants these scrubers and scullions of the muses
As to the theatre he had gained some little experience of that before and if in quality of master he was obliged to retire what chance did he stand in quality of servant—for as servants he well knew all those must expect to be treated who wished to give their productions to the public through that medium Then as to publications the country was inundated by Italian and German compositions which obtained patronage through the medium of some man of distinction to whose pleasures the composer administered sometimes in a way that an Englishman would starve rather than submit to
In the midst of a variety of cogitations on this subject he was called on by his old friend Toogood who had lately put himself very forward in the musical world
This son of Apollo told Charles that as he understood
he had thoughts of devoting himself to the muses for a livelihood he should be happy so serve him in so meritorious a determination He flattered himself he said that as he had got into a conspicuous situation by making his profession subservient to his interest he of all others had it most in his power to point out the only way in music to profit and reputation
Mr Toogood professed a great opinion of our heros professional abilities and still more of his good sense and knowledge of the world and doubted not as he had smarted severely for his follies that he would now take up and consider that mens talents were given to work out their own advantage
Charles seeing his drift encouraged him to open his whole budget through which he learnt that from his youth he had made it a practice of levying contributions on people of no taste by which means he was become the Apollo or rather the Orpheus of the day that he was looked up to as the regulater of style and leader of fashion in music and all this he laid open in a plain narrative of his life and principles without omitting a single circumstance of either his own duplicity or the credulity of his patrons
Having heard him to an end this was our heros answer
And so Mr Toogood because you have all your life under the appearance of cringing trimming and many other truckling and wretchedly accommodating shifts vitiated the public taste and scandalized a beautiful and useful art you would have me copy your creeping servility—Sir you affront me both as a musician and a gentleman by your unworthy and contemptible proposal It is such as you the world has to thank for introducing mystery and difficulty into the plainest system of rational pleasure the soul of man can receive for setting up an inexplicable standard to judge of that which is the essence of ease and simplicity No Mr Toogood I despise the servility of your mind as much as I reprobate the fallacy of your doctrines and much as I value popular esteem I should disdain to accept it otherwise than as a tribute to exertions intended to convey rational pleasure and solid advantage
Charles however did nothing by this sort of conduct but invite enemies But this did not stop him He really could not bridle his resentment To see men pervert the very end of nature's gifts and endeavour to confirm others in error instead of leading them out of it deserved he said reprobation of the severest kind and he was determined
at least to drag such monstrous impostors into open day and expose their deformities after which it would be the worlds fault if such counterfeit coin was suffered to pass current
Charles had yet done but little in the way of profit Indeed he did not see how he could for it was so dirty a road that he had not the resolution to follow it It became however necessary that he should think of something in good earnest For this purpose he completed an opera which he had had long in contemplation and which he had been repeatedly requested by one of the managers to put the finishing stroke to He sent it and as he knew pretty well the trim of this sort of business his compact was that he would stand or fall by its merits without the interference of any other person This was charming it would have a prodigious run and every attention should be paid it
Our hero called on the manager to consult on the necessary steps to bring it before the public He was still received with great warmth He wished however he would be advised
In what
Why suppose he waited upon the editors of the different papers to bespeak favour
Why If it deserved applause it was to come from the public not the
newspapers If it did not their purchased favour would be a satire on the performance and an insult to the public
This was good theory but not practicable Charles said it should be practicable in his case or nothing should It was material to him to come at the truth If he falsely flattered himself and had not abilities for what he had undertaken nothing could be kinder than to undeceive him If he had let his reward come spontaneously from those who he was sure would pay it with interest if it was his due He spoke charmingly it was a pity he did not know what stage conduct was Charles said it was a pity the manager did not know what it ought to be The manager rallied Charles and Charles did not spare the manager who however did not wish to lose the piece of which he had a great opinion
After some necessary matters were settled they parted agreeing that the opera like an act of parliament in a certain stage should be copied for the use of the members
Charles that very evening received a summons to breakfast with the manager the next morning He went and had he not known his man must have been astonished at seeing himself treated with a distant coolness He had been thinking some of the
passages did not strike him as at first A friend of his— Our hero gave him in a few words to understand that by agreement no friends were to interfere It was very true but the expence of a first piece was a large stake Very likely our hero said and if he felt his promise hang awkwardly upon him he was ready to acquit him of it Oh by no means Well it should be as he pleased—but did not he think a few alterations—
Not one said Charles If you say a word more about it I will put the piece in my pocket
In short they parted but barely civil the piece was however left
A few days afterwards they had another meeting The manager was all rapture He begged our hero would not be offended at what was done but indeed it was impossible to be offended He should see
A new copy of the piece was then produced with alterations in the hand writing of four different people whom he knew to be retainers to the house and were the very men and women—for this was the fact—who at that time kept away those real geniuses to whom I have said Charles formerly paid visits of solicitation and nauseated the town with their own insipid trash
Charles cast his eyes over the copy merely to ascertain this fact and then said
Sir independant of theatrical business I know no one more a gentleman than yourself Upon theatrical business I never knew a man so pitifully mean Supposing it would answer any good purpose in your wise politics to make a shew of my piece to invite whatever dunce thinks proper to come and blot it do you think sir so contemptibly of me as to suppose I will bear it But putting that out of the question can any thing so strongly evince your ignorance both of theatrical performances and your own interest If I submitted to these alterations would not every individual who made them claim his own feather while I must quietly stand to be plucked and for Gods sake what feathers are they Have they made me a bit handsomer So far from it that which was if not superb and magnificent yet neat and decent is now altered into a motley fools jacket But sir you may take the materials and make them into a cap for your own wear In short I shall trust to your honour not to make use of my ideas to your advantage and as for any thing else I am your humble servant
The manager however would not let him go He begged him to consider that the scenes were painting
that he had engaged a singer at a high salary
I do not care for that sir said Charles it is dishonourable not to abide by your agreement you had the evidence of your senses prima facie you can have no more now What have they decided Why truly that the meanest scribbler in your house is to give laws to me But as I said letting alone that seesaw your own judgment you have done a thing totally against your interest for these poor creatures whose trash certainly never shall stand a part of the piece losing the merit of having made these alterations—which by this time they have vaunted to all their friends—will become enemies both to the piece and me so for your caprice I am obliged to wage war with a set of poor reptiles who have not offended me and whom I have no more inclination to tread upon than any other worms which searching for food are unlucky enough to come under my feet In short bad as it is for this last time I will overlook this strange conduct since you talk of losses which certainly I do not wish you to sustain but I insist that every word shall be expunged which I may not justly claim as my own
This was at length agreed
to and a morning for the first rehearsal was appointed
The day came the words were read during which some of the actors as they were instructed yawned at particular passages These were afterwards to be objected against by the manager which Charles well knowing anticipated by taking him aside and telling him that he saw what he was aiming at but it would not do for that every passage at which the performers had so ill acted the part of yawners should remain without the smallest alteration He said however implicitly the manager might pin his faith upon the sleeve of such opinions he would not wish a better omen of success than an actors entertaining an indifferent opinion of a dramatic entertainment for that in general they were men of very slender intellects and mean education who had no opportunity of making worldly observation but at the porter house or in the green room who had now in tragedy destroyed what was meant for a representation of greatness by stalking like puppets and braying like asses and who had no idea of comedy otherwise than by grinning like apes and chattering like parrots Besides in the present case poor devils it was a repetition of the same miserable farce which had so recently been performed by the authors They were bid to feel
as the others were He wondered therefore that the manager would attempt at treating him so unworthily when he knew how ill such former illiberality had been stomached
The patentee was certainly nettled enough at this spirited conduct of our hero He however thought proper to suppress what he felt and they proceeded to the musicroom where every thing was ready for a repetition of the music
The moment Charles entered the room he was surrounded by the females
Lord Mr Hazard cried one dont you think this here round o is monstrous frightful You ought to have given me a song full of divisions and runs and shakes to shew my powers
Let us hear it played Miss Forward said Charles
Oh Lord replied the lady there is no occasion for that I have played it all over myself with one finger and I tell you it will have no effect
She was going on with remarks on her other songs but Charles turned from her He was however as badly off for he found the principal singer in high words with the manager because the puppy of a composer had truly thought proper to restrict her in her cadences What did he mean by such insolence
Had any body ever attempted to point out to a mistress of her profession any limits to her candenza
I know madam said Charles that it is almost as vain an attempt as to prescribe limits to her impertinence but in one word those who sing for me shall sing what I have written and nothing else It is my music and not yours I chuse madam to give to the world and to tell you the truth what little abilities I have shall be exerted to explode the candenza which has lately obtained to the scandal of taste and the total exclusion of every characteristic by which music ought to be distinguished As it is singing is become a vehicle to convey every thing that is extraordinary and nothing that is pleasing Nature feeling expression and above all a conveyance of the poets ideas—beyond which every thing in vocal music is impertinence—all these are disregarded The lady who sings highest lowest longest and loudest is the best singer and thus all you principal performers stand squalling and stretching out your necks like the crow in the fable forgetful of the fox underneath who not only laughs at your folly but stands ready to snap up the cheese the moment it falls out of your mouths
Yes said the lady but we take care not to let it fall out of our mouths No no there is no fear of our getting cheese when you poets cannot get bread
This witticism was echoed by a loud ha ha throughout the whole room after which an understrapper coming up familiarly to Charles cried
Why I say they gives it you home brother Bruin but never mind it this is nothing at all when you are used to it
Charles turning to the manager who also heard this said
you are very kind and no doubt find it much to your interest to tolerate this for were not that the case this fellow would not dare to add so much impudence to his ignorance
The manager made some trifling apology smiled a sneer and desired the repetition might begin
Many of the songs were now performed to every one of which its respective singer was suffered to make some ignorant objection At length they came to a sort of bravura song in the midst of which the leader of the band laid down his fiddle with an exclamation of
Oh my Gad my Gad I vome play dis
What is the matter now
said the manager
Sir cried the enraged fiddler it is no good no raight no arminny
He then proceeded to a string of reasoning, which as it was unintelligible to every hearer so it must be of course to every reader
He had scarce done this when Charles said
and pray sir how long have all the laws of music acknowledged you as their Lord Chancellor How long has the supremest pleasure of the soul submitted to an arbitrator sullen envious and malignant—without taste genius or intellects—a dreaming lawgiver to sound a mad mathematical musician How long have the social enjoyments of the mind been estimated by measure and tale—by niggardly scanty constrained portions Go and pore over an oxs eye study optics measure vacancy and thus get at the dimensions of your own brain Go and exist but dare not think of the enjoyment of those that live
—And then turning to the manager
Please sir to give orders that the repetition may go on
This the manager thought proper to do and it was finished with no further interruption worth mentioning
As soon as it was over Charles said to the manager
Sir I must beg before your people leave
the room that they may hear my declaration to you With great earnestness you invited me to this task you took ample time to deliberate on the merits of what I produced you and we had settled a convention that I am convinced would have been a mutual convenience to us It was the duty of your people according to my conception to receive their instructions and implicitly to observe them For my part had any person represented to me in reasonable language that any particular alteration was necessary either for his or her convenience or the advantage of the piece I should with willing pleasure have paid such observations every attention they could possibly merit but sir evidently by your connivance I have sustained affronts from many of your people who poor wretches mean me no illwill by doing that which your frequent permission has stampt into a duty Your drift then appears to lower me to the abject contemptible humiliation of those authors and musicians who depend on you and who administering to your ignorance and caprice insult the public with nonsense and barbarism to the disgrace of letters and the total perversion of science. Keep these at your beck and call and welcome but let me warn you not to expect again that you can with impunity make a tool of any man who has ground to think
worthily of himfelf and virtue enough to be independant lest an exposition of your arcana rouse the offended public to support the cause of injured merit and oblige you to restore those men of talents for whose encouragement your theatre was given you in trust Others may be roused for my part I shall content myself with smiling on you with contempt
So saying he walked out of the house no one attempting to interfere for the performers looked on one another in astonishment to see an author who refused to be a foot ball and the manager who saw it would be to no purpose to detain our hero at present was meditating how he might keep both the piece and the author at his own disposal
As soon as our hero got home he sent for his piece Instead of it however he received the following letter
Your warmth this morning prevented you from seeing how much I wish to do you every justice I think some of the performers were right in their objections The piece wants cutting and really I think it would be of use to you to admit a few Italian songs You know those capital women will give themselves airs Upon the whole as the necessary alterations will take up some time—and besides I have an afterpiece to bring out immediately—I would wish
you to revise your opera before its next rehearsal• In the mean time you may call upon the treasurer for fifty pounds
Yours c —
Without a moments consideration Charles wrote the following answer
I have declared my sentiments plainly enough already and I will not trouble myself more about this pitiful business than to say that I now demand my piece and that I am perfectly indifferent as to yourself your actors your capital women your afterpiece or your fifty pounds which last article I do not believe I am more in necessity for than you are The bearer has directions not to come away without the opera
I am sir Your humble servant C HAZARD
The piece was not sent and it was with some difficulty he got it back again two months afterwards Thus ended his connection with the theatre
Our heros next effort was among the booksellers Many offers were made him to work by the sheet but these he rejected with contempt at which he was given to understand that haughty demeanour would totally destroy all his expectations for though to work for the theatre might be very humiliating to work for the trade would be still more so—Could he submit to estimate his work as they sell poetry to the chandlers shops by weight Could he watch publications as they fell in and became universal property mutilate them and make an unconnected jumble out of them under the title of Beauties of an eminent Poet Could he take the old magazines and newspapers and make out of them a new periodical publication Had he a knack of criticising authors that never existed—Was he expert without plan or necessity at poetic ribaldry which dealt about the faeces of satire against all ranks and distinctions without either its truth, its elegance or its point—and especially against that high character whose heart is the seat of goodness and mercy whose private worth is the criterion of domestic virtue and whose public excellence
is not more distinguishable by the splendour of his situation than by the gracious beneficence with which he adorns it
Could he feign epitaphs Anticipate parliament speeches Make men of abilities write nonsensical odes—or invent dull good things spoken by a dead doctor Could he one day pull down the fabrick of the constitution and the next build it up again
If he could not do any of these he had better be hackney writer to an attorney clerk to a lottery office or any thing than an author Where was the use of any thing new Had not every thing that can be said on all possible subjects been exhausted time out of mind Was there a single idea that at this time of day could be put in a new point of view How many histories of England were there How many histories of other countries How many general histories And yet could any body say which should be credited No no the mystery of writing was now at an end the whole business was compiling and it was the extreme of arrogance in any person to expect payment but as a compiler In short if he would quietly put on his apron and sleeves take the scissors the wasers and the paste pot come contentedly into the
garret and sell his labour for as much as it was worth he might get pretty bread enough but if not he had better take a pickaxe or a beetle and dig graves or thump the pavement
This was the sum of his reception with several to whom he applied At length however he thought he had nicked the very chance that would make his fortune He was recommended to a bookseller of the name of Alley who he was informed dealt largely and liberally To him he went and very candidly told him that as he had the reputation of a man of worth an extensive publisher and a liberal dealer he should be glad to treat with him for some things he had by him
Sir replied Alley Mr Hazard I shall say in answer to this here proposial that I am a man of fortune and I spends what I gets freely bent afraid damme of a few shiners and when I sees a work thats a work of merit I deals upon the nail and as a gentleman should Here harkee in the shop there Did the lady in her chariot call this morning
No
No damme you always say no But my lord did though or else Sir Peter In short sir—I say one of my people bring me the keys of the warehouse Stop now—look
at this drawer full chuck full—all novels—I supply every library in the kingdom Going to bring out a fire new ← novel → edition of Thomas Hickathrift for schools Oh the keys you shall see my warehouse
So saying he lugged our hero into another street where he introduced him to an immense number of publications in sheets
There said he did you ever see any thing like this Here is a grand edition of Mother Gooses Tales purceeded with a wooden frontispiece for the Christmas holidays all titivated up out of other things by gradivates from the two universes of Oxford and Cambridge I pays them well one has had seventeen and sixpence before hand Yes yes every body knows my generosity but then its a damned fine thing to be charitable
Thus he ran over all the rooms in the house pointing out upon every shelf some new book of equal importance with those already mentioned till at length he convinced our hero he was conceited ignorant and purse proud and alike a stranger to taste and liberality
Charles seeing this determined to cut the matter short
Pray said he Mr Alley do you read
all these things before they come out
Read said the other I read Damme you think that I can read No no I got other guess work to mind I can tell you My gradivates and my parsons and them there fellows read No no I cant do every thing I can only say if youll favour me with any of your works in the ← novel → way—novels you see are my forte—they shall be read and if they meet approbation money damme money is no object In short as I say in my advertisement to such ladies and gentlemen as favour me with their manuscripts that I flatter supported by their patronage to render in future what has been esteemed frivile of standing merit entertainment and general improvement
Theres epitaphs for you
They are very extraordinary epithets indeed said Charles
Ay ay epithets returned Alley you are right damme my head is always a wool gathering Well sir shall I be favoured with your manuscript
Why sir said Charles I will be very plain with you I have a thing something in the style of a ← novel → which I will send you It will make two small duodecimo volumes
Ay twelves I understand you returned the bookseller thats right I like twelves
But I premise added
our hero that if your graduates find any merit in them I expect to receive a handsome gratuity for my labours
Thats enough said Alley send them we shant disagree
They parted Charles sent his book and after repeated attempts to get it back again or an answer to his terms he at length received the following letter
I received yours and I am sorry my absence being out of town deprived my answer
Your book unfortunably does not meet approbation as such is returned You may send for it to my house in LeadenheadLane when convenient only please to say which it is as I have so many otherwise you may not get the right
I am in great haste Your very humble servant WILLIAM ALLEY
This letter as well it might gave our hero a surfeit of booksellers Heavens how he pitied Mr Alleys parsons and graduates It was a sensible satire upon an enlightened age But was there really no trace of that liberality among booksellers which formerly characterised them How freely had hundreds nay thousands been paid for books and surely books were then bought with as much avidity as formerly He would try again it was to no purpose and yet he knew not why His former publications had sold rapidly The difference was they were written for amusement he now wrote for bread
In this situation he was determined to have recourse to his old friend Ego who to eke out his poetry enjoyed the comfortable consolation of a snug annuity
Ego was very glad to see Charles and said after shaking him heartily by the hand
Ay ay I am the man to come to for advice Who have you applied to
Charles told him to all the booksellers without effect
Damme thats a shame cried Ego if I were a bookseller I would treat authors with such liberality
But as you are not Mr Ego said Charles what would you advise me to do
Faith I dont know said Ego
every body is neglected would you think now a man of my merit would lay dormant as I do—Stay zounds let me think—I am the man for expedients Have you any money left
Not much I assure you said Charles
Well well said Ego it must be raised I have it I am the man to serve my friends it will make your fortune better than bailiffs business Lord Mr Hazard how could you think of being a merciful bailiff If I were a bailiff I would be the cruelest rascal that ever existed
And in that case said Charles you would be more in character than I was but what is your expedient
I will tell you said Ego you will laugh I am the man for making people laugh I would have a new newspaper There is a plan
A very good one said Charles if a man had a thousand pounds to spare and could stand in the concern without partners
Yes yes said Ego but people must not now adays stand upon niceties Do you know any thing of editing I am the man for an editor I would have my paper full of good essays I would stick to my party I would maintain tooth and nail the principles of that side I decidedly took If it was the ministerial side I would not like some papers I could name creep and cringe and be fulsome I would chuse that part of their measures that could
be deduced from meritorious motives for all conduct has its favourable sides In short there is nothing but may be represented upon some principle or other apparently worthy without the wretched necessity of having recourse to spatter and vilify others On the contrary if I decidedly took up the part of opposition I would expatiate on the noble passion of patriotism and let the generous disinterested dictates of that glorious inducement tell generally against ministers without handing up their names to the public and call upon my countrymen to execrate them in the lump
Nobly distinguished said Charles but in my opinion Mr Ego you are yet wide of the mark Why take a decided part at all unless indeed the part of truth What do you think of a paper that should watch the impositions of all the rest expose them to public view detect all their misrepresentations strip them alike of adulation to ministers and factious cavilling against them expose the source from whence the corruption flows which poisons public peace
Zounds the very thing in the world cried Ego and so not spare ones very brother hey as a body may say if he deserved to be treated severely and on the other side shower down encomiums upon the
virtue of ones bitterest enemies
Exactly my idea cried Charles
Zounds give me your hand cried Ego Why dont you thank me for thinking of it Well I do think I have the readiest brain Ent I the man for a scheme
Yes said Charles and I am the man for improving upon it For my part I like it so well that if you will breakfast with me tomorrow morning and consider the matter between this and then perhaps we may consolidate something that will be of mutual advantage
THE reader will think it a little strange that Charles who had disdained to sue to Sir Sidney should now seek out Ego who he had been informed was one of those who did him ill offices with that very gentleman The fact is that in the most consistent human heart there is a sort of alloy a kind of instability which indeed if it had not our being would imply a perfectness which it is universally allowed does not fall to the lot of those bipeds called human beings
Charles then raged with love more violently than ever—for I would not have my readers think that because I do not take up their whole time in expatiating upon his amorous vagaries that he is only in love by fits and starts and at those times when I find it necessary to treat upon that subject by way of varying others On the contrary I desire it may be understood that let him appear how he
may he never ceases to be in love with Annette sleeping or waking—which indeed were it necessary I could shew under his hand both in poetry and prose—for one single minute from the business of Aix la Chapelle to the end of his life nay were I to antidate the business and start from the summer before he went to France I dare say he might then boast as large a portion of that passion at least as many who have declared ay and sworn to it that they were dying with it
Oh this love What will it not do But I believe I may as well leave rhapsody to those who have no necessity to attend to narrative and instead of saying what it will do content myself with recording what it did
I have mentioned our heros detention of Mrs Marlow and his motive for it which I remember I had the good fortune to find perfectly approved by the reader for I saw him in my minds eye smile as he read the circumstance Indeed Charless partiality to her was such that after what has happened it is almost a wonder his enemies had not by this time made a handle of it to his disadvantage for to say truth while other young men of his age and complexion were sacrificing to Bacchus and Venus—let it be observed I do not mean Astarte—scouring
the streets and getting into broil our spiritless youth pored over a book made a drawing or set a sonnet all which amusements were only interrupted by the harmless prattle of an old woman Indeed he has often declared that he never passed moments of more substantial pleasure than these with Mrs Marlow
To shew however that self can never be out of the question with us the subject of their conversation was ninetenths of the inducement Charles had now heard nothing of Annette for several months and in all that time his love had nothing to feed on but the letter inserted in the fourth chapter of this book The more distant his prospects were of an union with the idol of his soul the more violent was his passion for this again is the nature of love Nothing seems to be impossible to it in theory yet in practice it does not work miracles He knew the soul of Annette he knew her incapable of change he knew if cruel fortune ravished her hand nothing could dispose of her heart She had given it him it was his indissolubly his Then was there ever such a prodigy of fidelity and zeal as Emma No he was secure He could not more firmly rely on his own resolution than theirs No attachment was ever so sure so grounded so permanent What had he then to fear Nothing
from love but every thing from fortune Sir Sidney was more likely to be implacable now he was rich than when he was poor
All this ground did he and Mrs Marlow go over every evening of their lives Upon these occasions she would represent to him that indeed he was not the kind of man to live in this world that it would not do upon all occasions to let the unqualified truth appear that now adays people did not open their hearts every time they opened their mouths and she could plainly shew that all his miscarriages had been owing to ingenuousness and honesty which as he would never find it in the dealings of other men so he might lay his account to its injuring him in all his concerns She said he loved the truth and she knew he would thank her for speaking it and she would therefore tell him that she took the liberty to disapprove his conduct in relation to Mr Toogood He had himself it was true shamefully abused those talents which he really possessed and had made them scandalously subservient to his interest but if the world chose to be so imposed on was any one equal to the Herculean task of removing its prejudices Mr Toogood was in possession of a very comfortable independency This alone in the opinion of the world would counteract all that could be said against him and this being the
case she did not wonder that his conduct worthy as it was had been looked upon by one half of the world as envy and by the other as illnature In short Mr Toogood she said had it in his power to have served him and it depended on himself whether he was to make an unworthy use of advantages so procured
Upon the same ground if he had paid a visit to Musquito and given a little into his humour he would doubtless have interested himself with the academicians and as he was now a man of very great consequence there could not be a doubt but it would have turned out a matter of profit to him
As to the business of the theatre it was certainly too humiliating and therefore he could not in that instance be too much commended But in short if he chose to get his bread by his talents it must be in the way others did it there was no alternative and she had no doubt if he would seriously lay himself out for eligible employ but he might yet acquire a fortune sufficient to satisfy Sir Sidney who she was sure would consider every guinea that was earned as twenty
Convinced by these sort of arguments our hero
as we have seen lost no opportunity of trying his utmost to get forward and having taken a great deal of trouble with the booksellers to no purpose he and Mrs Marlow were one evening turning all matters seriously in their minds when she said
My dear sir it is wonderful to me you have never thought of getting about some real friend of Sir Sidney and making him your confidant If it did nothing else you would know from a channel of that sort what were his private sentiments of you and among other matters it would furnish you with some particulars relative to Miss Roebuck
This last consideration bore down every other and Mr Balance was thought by both the properest man in the world for this purpose He was however at that time out of town
But said Charles a thought has struck me and it will convince you that I mean in future not to quarrel with people quite so much for their vices What do you think of Ego I have told you all his particularities and really he has not very much prostituted his talents perhaps indeed because he has but few to prostitute for the pension he has was given him more from ostentation in the donor than through any servility in himself Indeed he has too good an opinion of himself to be very solicitous
for he takes as much care as he can that in all his affairs Ego should be the first person
This is charming said Mrs Marlow and I will warrant something comes of it for as he loves tittle tattle he knows of course all Sir Sidneys family affairs and it shall go hard but I will worm some of them out of him and so you see without asking a single question I shall get at every intelligence you wish to receive
It was then agreed that Ego should be sounded but it was to appear that our hero knew nothing of the business Thus was the first duplicity he ever practised occasioned by love Indeed he could not live any longer in this state of uncertainty and if this method had not been hit upon for the present relief of his anxiety he certainly would have been put upon playing some mad prank or other which might have induced concessions on his side for which he never would have forgiven himself
On the other hand this business was a lucky hit for Mrs Marlow who just at that time was upon the point of forging some sort of intelligence to soften the edge of our heros unhappiness It was now however unnecessary for as Charles was not to be supposed to know what passed between her
and Ego so there would be no occasion to relate more of their conversation than such parts of it as would relieve his fears which again if they were not strong enough might admit of a little heightening whereas she resolved to sink whatever would be likely to augment his chagrin for she was not one of those friends who unnecessarily aggravated matters but on the contrary admitted that a little laudable deceit was pardonable when the proposed end was meritorious
Many good purposes Mrs Marlow flattered herself would derive from this commerce Ego she had no doubt would retail what passed in the presence of Emma whose wit and ingenuity would not fail to take hold of such an occasion to supply Charles with every thing he wished to know even probably without the conscious concurrence of Ego for it might be conveyed in such ambiguous terms as none but the lovers themselves could unriddle and come what come might she resolved to invent consolation where it really did not present itself for she could not bear the idea that our hero should be so afflicted
This was the first time his obstinacy towards opening a negociation with Sir Sidney seemed to give way She hoped in time he would be wholly
subdued and had no doubt when her wellintentioned scheme came to have the assistance of Mr Balance that a perfect reconciliation would take place between them and then as it was in the power of Sir Sidney alone to place our hero in a very conspicuous professional light—which this foolish woman thought even more eligible than the possession of an inherited fortune—she contemplated even with tears of joy that moment when she should see him happy equal to his deserts
Big with this project and these hopes Mrs Marlow waited with impatience for the morning and that she might employ her time to as much advantage as possible entreated Charles to leave her for half an hour with Ego before he came down to breakfast
Mr Ego came very punctually to his time He was shewn in by Mrs Marlow who told him she was very sorry but Mr Hazard was a little indisposed and therefore she had not disturbed him but however he should be immediately called—To which Mr Ego made answer
Ah up late last night I suppose this is the consequence ah these young men If I was a young man I would be the mirror of sobriety
Then said Mrs Marlow you would be exactly like Mr Hazard for I never saw him otherwise than sober in my life
Indeed said Ego I am glad ont it is very commendable Always sober Quite an altered man I suppose since he came from France It is a lamentable thing that young men cannot make the tour of Europe without getting into so many scrapes If I was to make the tour—
Sir said Mrs Marlow he only made the tour of France which I do not believe either you or any body else could have done to better purpose
There my good lady you must excuse me cried Ego the whole world rings of his shocking doings there Why dont you know he robbed a banker knocked down his brother stole a nun spent her fortune turned sharper killed a man and then made his escape out of prison
No indeed I do not nor does any body else said Mrs Marlow
Nay but zounds madam returned Ego you must excuse me there I am the man for knowing the truth of things
You are not the man for knowing the truth of this
said Mrs Marlow for every word of it is false and I dare say by false reports like these which Mr Hazard has too much pride to contradict Sir Sidneys ear has been abused and he has lost that good gentlemans confidence
Faith said Ego like enough for there is nothing like absence for injuring people in the opinion of their friends Yes yes I see how the thing has been I am the man for seeing how the cat wags her tail And so it was all lies ha
Did not you see it at the time Mr Ego said the good lady since your penetration is so keen
See it said Ego Oh yes I—that is to say I had a glimpse but that damned unmerciful teazer Musquito and that cursed lamenter of his friends misfortunes Toogood would insist upon it in such terms that you know I was obliged to run a little with the pack else you know what chance had I for a continuance of Sir Sidneys patronage Must mind the main chance you know my good lady I am the man for keeping a friend
That cried Mrs Marlow one may easily see
But stop a little cried Ego Can you acquit him of this Did he write one single word
to any individual soul
And pray answered Mrs Marlow was there no friend had charity enough to allow the possibility at least that his letters had been intercepted and if that were the case was it not also possible that he who did him that injury would not stop at others
Gloss Gloss cried Ego zounds I see it I am the man for putting the saddle on the right horse And yet do you know he had the address always to appear Mr Hazards friend But he has such a way with him sure steady never brought up the subject but when he had made Sir Sidney charmed with himself on account of some act of generosity performed by the baronet himself or his great grandfather Yes yes it is plain He is a devil of a fellow to be sure—Why he bewitches people Not that his praise of my poetry was any such great matter common fame does me justice I am the man for poetry but the devil of it is who is this fellow that makes such a plaguy noise in the world
Who said Mrs Marlow a great man a member of parliament
A mighty great affair indeed cried Ego In your ear if he was out of parliament he would be in the Kings Bench
Indeed cried Mrs Marlow pretending great astonishment
Owes seventy thousand pounds
continued Ego you may depend upon it from me I am the man for knowing how the world wags
Well but if this be the case cried Mrs Marlow how is it possible that Sir Sidney can be so blinded as to intend his marriage with Miss Roebuck
I will tell you how that matter stands said Ego If the ministry goes out and they say it totters at present—for you see I am the man for being a bit of a politician—if do you mind me they go out Mr Gloss will be a made man and then he will certainly marry Miss Roebuck—
With the young ladys consent no doubt said Mrs Marlow
Not a word of that said Ego she will obey if you please but never consent I am the man for distinctions
What has she any new lover then said Mrs Marlow for surely she cannot have kept herself heartwhole for Mr Hazard in the midst of such ceaseless persecutions and against so many reports to his disadvantage
My good lady said Ego such truth such innocence such sweetness such sense of duty as Miss Roebuck possesses I have often read of and indeed described just as one describes in poetry sylphs
gnomes or flying dragons children of fancy offsprings of the imagination—I am the man for a choice of words—in short a thing without literal existence but I confess I never saw it before—Why I have seen her receive a command from Sir Sidney with a smile while her heart was bursting In short she will become a voluntary sacrifice to her duty as soon as the ministry changes
This then is the arrangement cried Mrs Marlow and the poor lady and the nation are to turn about together
Even so said Ego I wish we could say with truth that in either case turn about would be fair play I am the man for a pun
But pray said Mrs Marlow what part does Mrs Emma take
Why that that said Ego is what I am just now astonished at Until very lately she had been a most strenuous advocate for Mr Hazard but I think now we may call her the armed neutrality But upon my word my good lady the young gentleman may thank himself if his friends grow cool to him Can any thing be so mad as the way he has spent his money
What the devil had he to do with bailiffs and charity and beef and bread Nobody does it So you see his conduct is a satire upon the world and now I only ask you does any body like to be satirized I am the man that understands propriety And then you see to brag of his actions and try to depreciate the benevolence of Sir Sidney in his favourite scheme of Castlewick
Ay has he done that said Mrs Marlow—
It has lost him the baronet for ever thats all replied Ego Now I would not have done that I am the man that never flies in any bodys face
But I assure you Mr Ego said Mrs Marlow he had not done this
What said Ego did not he boast of having served more people in real distress in six months than ever Sir Sidney did in all his life
Never said Mrs Marlow I will answer for him
And did not he try to prove by several instances that there was no sort of comparison in his charity and that of the baronet—for damme said he one day when he was drunk—
But I tell you he never gets drunk said Mrs Marlow
Well said Ego sober then so much the worse if he had been drunk he would have been excuseable Damme says he—
Here Charles interrupted them
Ha my good friend Hr Hazard I am glad you are come I want my breakfast devilishly I am the man for the hot rolls and butter Here have this good lady and I been battling about you Upon my soul she is a strong advocate a staunch friend never saw such an instance of attachment and fidelity But come ent we to see Miss
Miss said Charles what Miss
Why Lord now how strange you make of it said Ego I mean the old gentlewomans daughter they tell me she is temptingly handsome I am the man that is a judge of beauty
I wish said Charles you were a judge of good manners I gave you a hint yesterday that if we were to be friends you must not attempt to glance at my actions in any way for as I shall not think it worth my while to explain my motives for what I really do so I give you warning you will not find me in a humour to pass calumny by quietly
Here Mrs Marlow brought in the breakfast and the conversation became general
CHARLES having taken an opportunity during breakfast of going out of the room Mrs Marlow begged Ego not to hint a single syllable of the conversation that had passed between them She said Mr Hazard was so tenacious of those resolutions he had taken of abiding by the truth of his intentions without stooping to an explanation with any body that she was sure he would break off for ever with any friend who should be unwise enough to stagger his determination
and as I am sure Mr Ego added she he has a regard for you it would be pity you should lose one another's friendship in the moment of coming together
She hinted also that she should be glad to have some more private conversation with him and cunningly pretended to wonder what could have caused this alteration in Emma To which he answered he would learn the next day if possible for he was
to dine at Sir Sidneys and added
Oh bless my heart—I am the man for recollection—Mr Figgins is in town pray has he called on Mr Hazard
I fancy not said Mrs Marlow but why
Nay nothing replied Ego only they say he has been like the rest of the world—got it while it was going hey you understand me fools and their money—hey—I am the man for a proverb
And then seeing Charles
but mums the word dont be afraid of me
After breakfast our hero and his friend Ego resumed the conversation of the day before which they had both duly considered Mr Ego said that as far as his advice or interest went he was heart and hand at Charless service but as it was both unnecessary to his circumstances and improper at his time of life he begged to be excused from having any immediate concern in it
for I am the man said he that knows how to take care of myself
Charles who was determined if he did any thing it should be solely his own concern did not dislike this declaration and after some further consultation it was agreed that about eight hundred pounds was enough to start the paper two hundred of which our hero could muster and it was
proposed to raise the rest by shares of fifty pounds each In short Ego in company with Charles beat up the quarters of all those who from disappointment an adventurous spirit or other motives were likely to come into it and after several meetings many regulations and other pro and con it was at length agreed that Charles should be the sole conductor of the paper have four shares for his two hundred pounds and a salary of two hundred a year but as its failure if it did not succeed must naturally be attributed to his want of abilities to conduct it he should be obliged on its being proved to be a losing game every day for a fortnight together to take all their shares back at the original price and on the other hand if it succeeded beyond expectation he should be made a proportionable amends
These terms were extremely well relished and our hero took the field as generalissimo of diurnal criticism He detected the fallacy of other papers reprobated their venality resuted their arguments and shewed the futility of all their proceedings and though the concern sustained a loss almost every day the worlds eyes began to be opened and probably the matter would have been handsomely taken up if internal divisions had not convulsed the whole plan The fact was this four of
the other papers had each sent a purchaser of a share whose instructions were to kindle as much strife as possible among the partners Thus upon separate grounds they began to split this little community into factions One said a newspaper was not worth a farthing that did not take a decided part another that they ought to have secured advertisements before they had started a third was beginning when our hero begged leave to remark that no partner had a right to interfere with the conduct of the paper Let him then take up the shares according to his agreement was the answer His was immediately at his service Charles now too late saw the drift of this He said if he had known he had embarked with a set of men who were afraid of a little risk he would have set his face to the business alone at first but he was willing nevertheless to abide by all his agreement He had certainly ran himself out of ready cash but if any gentlema would take his note at a short date for the amount of his share it was heartily at his service Three took him at his word at that meeting and by a week afterwards he was left with but four partners
Had the paper been dealt by honestly it would have done wonders but the proprietors of the rest who had not the courage to defend their measures
openly—for indeed they were indefensible—tampered with the newscarriers and were guilty of a thousand other paltry shifts and tricks to prevent its circulation They also brided the printer to insert such words as rendered the writing nonsense after the correction of the last proof and when it was impossible to prevent its going in that state into the world
There was a dirtiness in these proceedings which Charles could not stoop to a detection of He doubled his satire and they their arts till at length every partner had begged to be off and he was left alone to stem the torrent He now found himself playing at a losing game almost exhausted of all his cash and engaged for the payment of six hundred pounds so that driven into every possible corner he was compelled to send this scheme after the rest and sell the materials for a supply
Now it was that Charles discovered who had been his partners in the paper for their end being answered they published his disgrace in the most triumphant language their virulent and low malevolence could suggest They recapitulated all his former miscarriages gave an invidious turn to his whole conduct misrepresented him in regard to his opera and warned the public how it encouraged a
man who instead of being avowedly its servant had the arrogant presumption to set up a standard of taste and the vanity to suppose that all the world must bow to his ipse dixit
Charles avoided with every possible industry all chance of getting into a personal quarrel upon this occasion knowing that he could reap no honour from a contention with men of no character and that they would in their report of him so pervert his motives of resentment as to throw a public stigma on him let his conduct be ever so right—Indeed his notions upon this subject were a little heteroclite for he maintained that duelling was not only a very barbarous but a very dishonourable custom and that it served more to assist the views of cowards and assassins than to support the dignity of such as possessed true courage
In defence of this opinion he certainly advanced a great deal of persuasive reasoning which unfortunately nobody listened to for people however they break through established customs—whether by stealing your purse or your peace of mind or cutting your throat—never appear publicly to disapprove of them
This very opinion was taken advantage of by
Gloss who negociated a quarrel so well that our hero received a challenge from a rascal and refused to meet him His pusillanimity was immediately the public topic and though he was a short time after under the unpleasant necessity of kicking the fellow out of a coffeehouse who had had the impudence to traduce him yet in the next company he went he scarcely was spoken to
Charles securely wrapt up in his own conscious honour certainly held all this in ineffable contempt yet fearing lest accumulated provocation should induce him to depart from that forbearance which his rectitude had pointed out in his case to be necessary he wisely resolved to read none of the abuse written against him lest he should be provoked into a reply that would make his competitors of more consequence than he wished He relied on the candour of the public for a tacit refutation of all calumny whatsoever and instead of involving himself in more troubles began seriously to consider how he could get rid of those with which he was already surrounded
He had about seventy pounds and the furniture of his house which was decent and convenient but no more The earliest of his notes was within five days of being due and a fortnight more would bring
the rest upon his back in consequence of which all the horrors of a prison and the merciless severity of bailiffs who owed him so much ill will would be inevitable
To avoid these unpleasant circumstances he resolved to go to France which determination however he imparted to nobody but his faithful housekeeper whose success had been upon a par with his for Ego had brought her intelligence that there was no knowing what to make of Emma that the ministry was changed and Mr Gloss now filled a high and conspicuous situation and in short that every thing in that quarter menaced our heros affairs with ruin and total destruction
Though Mrs Marlow when she had fancied things wore a brighter complexion had determined to put the best face on the matter to Charles finding them in this desperate way she saw there was no time for trifling Besides Mr Glosss situation was a public town talk and all the rest would be known of course Indeed the good creature could not dissemble her very heart spoke in her eyes and he saw his wretchedness before she uttered a syllable
Another circumstance greatly perplexed Charles
and made him wish to seclude himself from all the world Mr Figgins had certainly been in town but had not called upon him Indeed a mystery had hung over that gentlemans conduct for some time When Charles conferred on him the annuity he received a letter thanking him in terms of such enthusiastic warmth that he thought it a little overstrained and some suspicious matters had since induced him to believe that his old friend finding he had got all he could now turned his back upon him which the reader no more than Charles will think an extraordinary conjecture But what were now his sensations when he found beyond all doubt that this very friend who had sworn so heartily never to desert his interest who knew all the secrets of his soul who in short had more power than any man in the world to shew his enemies how to take advantage of him had gone over to Mr Gloss
Charles had all his life wanted a friend he had been very often plunged in misfortune but this was the first time that he saw himself on the brink of actual poverty without a single resource The brute Musquito was master of an ample fortune the pliant Toogood had a profitable place and even that echo of his own praise Ego had sat himself
down comfortably These men had nothing for which they ought to be rewarded but much that merited reprehension while he whose whole study had been to benefit the public who had in spight of all the malignity that had overwhelmed him the testimony of hundreds to the purity of his intentions which had been evinced by a strong worldly proof—no less than throwing down some thousands in the prosecution of his laudable plan—he in an early period of life must now learn the bitter task of bearing distress and yielding to actual want
Charles however happened to have a mind not easily to be broken
Come Mrs Marlow said he as they talked over his affairs let us set our faces to the weather They think that under such accumulated misfortunes I shall sink and they will get rid of me and indeed were I not of a different temper from any other man it would be so but I am not of a mind to indulge my enemies we must not lie down in this world for want of resources and I thank God my imagination flatters me I shall not be to seek for them even though experience should as usual destroy all my hopes upon proof At present certainly this kingdom is no place for me and it has struck me that by quitting it I can not only
turn my pursuits to advantage but in that very way that had I not been a fool I should all along have preferred to the straight forward reprobation of duplicity by which the worlds good opinion is not to be gained In short I will tell you what I will do I will get into Flanders seat myself in an obscure lodging and copy every thing I can lay my hands upon HOLBEIN or HEMSKIRK TENIERS or HOBIMA WYNANTS or VANDERVELDT nothing shall come amiss to me and when I have stocked myself with a sufficient collection properly smoaked varnished and mutilated they shall be put up to auction in the English metropolis as the collection of a gentleman who died upon his travels
Mrs Marlow declared she had now some hopes of him and begged he would set about it immediately
I will said Charles with a profound sigh and yet it is very hard to be cut off from every hope I could have borne any thing, every thing sustained torture and called it pleasure could I still have flattered myself with the hopes of obtaining Annette Oh let no man place his happiness on the promises of a woman I could have endured misery beggary for her Want and all
its grim train should have been my welcome companions I would have blessed the moment that made me wretched to prove my love But come no weakness let me feel but not murmur let me since there is nothing else with which I can reproach myself so forget the dignity of my love as to reproach her No however she may excel me in happiness and fortune she never shall be my superior in truth and honour
EVERY invention having been exhausted to ward off the coming blow without success Charles began in earnest to think of retiring to the continent to which he was not a little stimulated by his new scheme He was so closely pressed that he was obliged to decamp in the middle of the night for he had heard that very morning that a writ had been obtained against him from one of his most inveterate enemies—though the note o which account it was issued was not due—upon a pretence that it was his intention to leave the kingdom
It was eleven oclock in the night that this scheme was to be put in execution Our hero had just supped and spoken these parting words to Mrs Marlow
Since I have lost every friend upon earth but you since in this country men of honest principles cannot flourish since my love and honour have been equally betrayed and every
worthy effort to gain the worlds esteem and secure a faithful return to my hopeless affection has been attended with nothing but ingratitude shame and disappointment I go to find a little recollection and to shake off this strange dream of fruitless expectation in another country and since I have found to my mortification that here the whole world lives in a happy delirium and enjoys no pleasure but through the medium of being cheated by their own consent I will one day or other return and administer to their amusement in the only way any man can hope for success the honesty of which I now fairly subscribe to for how can it be said that people are imposed upon when they consent to the deception Having made by means like these a competency you and I my dear Marlow will retire to some snug retreat where as at a comedy we will look at the world and laugh but never venture again to have any thing to do with it otherwise than as spectators for fear of the humiliation that as actors we should be sure to meet with
These are strange declarations in so young a man but they are perfectly reasonable perfectly honest and I can set the point I aim at within my view as easily as Mr Gloss though perhaps I may not attain it by means so rascally And now
my good my kind friend adieu There is an instrument by which the furniture of this house is become yours It is a poor present but perhaps it may assist you through the medium of letting lodgings to eke out the little I may be able to send you At present I can very well spare you forty pounds and that you may not have a word to say in reply I promise you if I should be in necessity I will as freely have recourse to you
Charles then ran over all his former schemes and shewed in what instances he would make them serve as a warning as to his future intentions which he had strenuously at heart and through which he doubted not he should one day be able to shew how greatly he could be independant with barely a competency He spoke of the treachery of Figgins but still attributed that as well as every other misfortune to his own stupid credulity alone for that he ought to have known what a world he lived in and not have suffered himself to be imposed upon
And yet said he my dear Mrs Marlow there is a circumstance that I must complain of though it is taxing perfection arraigning heaven itself! But this is not the time to awaken any feeling to stagger my resolution Still I would wish you to see that false that lovely creature to see
Emma too Do not however upbraid either of them Let them only know that they imposed upon a heart that deserved better of them that it shall break misery shall dissolve it torture tear it before it shall consent to a single murmur though but a whisper Tell my Annette to be happy to be supremely blest without an intruding care and to think that I am too fortunate if I have secured her happiness at so trifling an expence as the loss of my peace Tell her—but indeed it is dreadful I cannot at present bear the conflict and I must—heavenly powers—but come let me be a man and keep my senses
At these words he reclined against the wainscot with one hand on his forehead the other on his heart and his eyes turned upwards as if imploring those powers which if we may judge of what immediately followed were as deaf to his calls as the hearts of his pretended friends had been to the calls of honour
As he stood in this attitude and as Mrs Marlow contemplated him with ineffable complacency and tender sorrow a loud knocking was heard at the door What could it be At that time of night too Certainly Charless enemies had been apprized of his intentions and were determined to prevent
his escape
Lord cried Mrs Marlow what shall we do
Do said Charles why if they will have me I must submit to it
Not for the world said Mrs Marlow For Gods sake my dear sir go up stairs pretty high if you please and if you find it is any thing of that sort fairly go out of the garret window and creep on three doors farther to Mr Lotts—You can easily get along the gutter and after the coast is clear I will go to Mr Lotts apprize them of the truth and you shall stay there till a proper time
Charles made some objections to Mrs Marlows expedient but a second thundering at the door overruled them And now Mrs Marlow went boldly to demand who it was that paid them this unseasonable visit
Before she would open the door she called to know who was there She was answered by a postillion—for she could see his dress and his whip through the key hole by the light of the lamp—that there were some of Mr Hazards friends out of the country in a chaise who must see him even at that time of night
Mrs Marlow overjoyed with the hopes that her
friends affairs might have taken some favourable turn and at any rate guarded as we have seen against sinister consequences made no scruple of opening the door which she had no sooner done than two men handed a lady out of a chaise and all together came within the door one of the gentlemen desiring the lady might be shewn into a room This Mrs Marlow who was greatly struck with the ladys uncommon beauty scrupled not to do after which one of the gentlemen taking her aside begged Mr Hazard would come to them immediately for that the lady was Miss Roebuck
At these words Mrs Marlow flew up stairs and in less than a minute introduced our hero first having informed him that she would bring him to a friend whose presence would make him ample amends for all his former troubles but who that friend could be in spight of all his entreaties she left him to guess
If our heros faculties were upon the stretch to find who this extraordinary friend could be who contrary to the hard customs of the times had generously sought the dwelling of the unfortunate what was his excessive astonishment when a gleam that had started across his suspended thoughts just
as he arrived at the door was presently realized by the sight of her who held his captive soul who now sat in the very chair out of which ten minutes before he had himself risen
He started much more naturally than I have seen a hero on the stage at the sight of a ghost and exclaimed
Heavens and earth Am I awake Is it possible that the divine Annette—
No sir exclaimed the lady with great anger it is not possible that she can come any where by her own consent into your presence unless to tell you how much she disdains your low arts
For Gods sake madam cried Charles in an agony what do you mean Am I to be every way tortured Is my whole life to be a dream Am I to comprehend nothing
Admirably acted said the lady I wanted but this to be convinced
Convinced of what madam cried Charles that my existence my very soul is in your power and therefore you can torture it at will
For shame cried Annette I only want to ask you one question Do you think by this
violent conduct to accomplish your wishes Do you not think by it that you have and with reason lost my father for ever
I know I have lost him madam cried Charles I was told too I had lost you and now lest I should doubt the truth of my being completely miserable you are condescending enough to put me entirely out of pain by confirming it with your own mouth in this extraordinary manner too at this unseasonable hour
Wretch cried Annette can you pretend to charge me with what you have caused yourself Is not the whole your own doing Has not your unhappy impetuosity undone you And now instead of defending yourself you are determined I shall be no more out of doubt than the rest In short I am convinced that it is impossible to be on terms with you and I declare to you in so many words—though I will not so falsify my character as to say it does not pain me to make the effort—I will never be yours
As this moment as if in a violent flurry in rushed Mr Gloss
And here cried Charles is the happy man who is to witness my disgrace and triumph over me but by all that is sacred
he shall not live to enjoy this happiness for this hand—
Saying this he ran to his pistols which he had loaded to take with him at which both Annette and Mrs Marlow screamed Mr Gloss told them not to be afraid adding with a sneer that no harm would happen which probably he knew for another person who then entered the room caught hold of Charless arm and proclaimed aloud that he had an action against him
Then all is over said Charles
and dropt into a chair Annette at this moment was not in a better condition Lest however she should discover her confusion to Charles she begged Mr Gloss would conduct her home declaring she felt herself greatly indisposed
I dont doubt it madam said Mr Gloss—the gentleman however shall smart for it You triumphed sir said he when last this lady was in danger now I think it is my turn
Thine cried Charles starting from his reverie Worm Reptile Thy turn to triumph over me But I thank you madam said he to Annette It is plain you wanted an excuse in the
opinion of the world for the most inexcuseable trait of falshood and levity that ever disgraced your sex and I may say now that you have well acted your part and so madam adieu There is yet time before you sleep to glut the ear of your father with the information that my downfal is completed And now sir said he to the man who had arrested him I am ready for you
—Saying these words he snatched up his hat and left first the room and then the house in company with the bailiff and his follower
The moment Charles had walked off as we have described Annette cried out
Oh Mr Gloss I am very ill
and fell lifeless on the floor Mrs Marlow was not idle she produced some drops which revived her in the course of a few minutes but it must be confessed that good old ladys attention was of a very chequered kind for though humanity had obliged her to pay Annette every possible respect in her then situation yet her heart bled for the sufferings of poor Charles to which she could not help thinking that Mr Gloss at least had contributed by this last unmanly business of the arrest which she was induced to believe he had connived at through cowardice lest had our hero fair play he must have answered to him this treachery and that very severely
Under this idea when Annette came to herself Mrs Marlow did not spare to exclaim against the scandalous conduct of those who had she said by spreading the most infamous and injurious calumny wounded the character of a young gentleman who had no equal in the world
I believe so said Gloss with an invidious leer for egregious folly intolerable pride and unbounded profligacy But come madam said he to Annette I believe there is a coach at the door and we want no advice from this good lady who of course is partial to him whose bread she eats
I do eat his bread cried Mrs Marlow and heaven is my witness I would not eat it if I did not know him to be what I say I know he is the worthiest best gentlest noblest creature that ever did honour to human nature I know his soul is above every thing that is ungenerous or unjust I know in short he is the very reverse of you from whom I have not been able to take off my eyes ever since you came into the room and I will tell you why I look on you with horror and believe you capable of every thing horrid and infamous for you are the very picture of a man whom I knew to be the most villainous and despicable upon earth
I am much obliged to you madam said Mr Gloss for your eulogium and now I believe we have no further business here
So saying he gave his hand to Annette who had been drowned in tears for some minutes and who now retired with her protector as he called himself without the power of paying her acknowledgments to Mrs Marlow so warmly as the case required or her wishes prompted her
A MOST miserable night did poor Mrs Marlow pass in our heros absence She did not know where he was gone or by what means to get any tidings of him In this exigence she would have waited on Mr Balance a step which she repented she had not taken before—but as all her cogitations terminated in a resolution to adopt no active measure of her own head lest she should injure him she
wished to serve she even sat herself down quietly and waited with the most tantalizing impatience •ill by hearing from him she should be released •…om her anxiety
Under these circumstances had she remained like a timid hare in her form dreading she knew not what till about two oclock the next day when she heard as violent a thundering at the door as she had heard the night before She immediately flew to the door and let in not our hero but a gentleman who said Mr Hazard must be found if he was above ground for that his brother lay at the point of death and that he was come post haste from the country to consult him on some family matters which were of the last importance
Mrs Marlow begged his pardon but could not conceive in what way Lord Hazards death could possibly affect his brother that nobleman she fancied had nothing but the title and estate to give and those would of course go to his infant son who she supposed was not lying at the point of death As to any legacies she did not believe his lordship had lived so frugal as to have any to leave and were not this the case she could not be inclined to think his good will towards his brother extended
so far as to have induced him to do any thing in his favour
The stranger said she was perfectly right but yet his business with him was of a particular nature—In short neither could make any thing of the other what the strangers sentiments were we shall see
As to Mrs Marlow she thought this chicken was of the same brood with the rest and that he only wanted to get out of her what he could perhaps to lay a detainer against Charles or for some other purpose equally inimical
At the end of four days—for till then had this poor friendly creature been tormented with alternate hopes and fears—she received a letter by the post on which she was astonished to see the postmark Ostend but her astonishment was still hightened by noticing the hand writing of her friend and benefactor This was the letter
To Mrs MARLOW AT —
As I know you must be under the most torturing state of anxiety upon my account I
take the very earliest opportunity of relieving you from it by informing you by what means I am able to date a letter from this place
Sensibly as I felt at leaving that false deluded creature in the hands of her betrayer and mine I had no sooner got into the street than I began to think my pecuniary affairs at that moment demanded my first attention I therefore prevailed upon the bailiff to accompany me to a tavern rather than to any house of security that if possible I might hit upon some terms of accommodation This after a short hesitation he consented to There while I plied him with wine a thought struck me that this should be my first attempt at imposition which I the less hesitated at as the fellow was a notorious rascal This stroke as it has been attended with success I have no doubt but I shall hereafter follow it up with others till our competency will be secure and then I promise you not all the Annettes upon earth shall draw from me a single sigh
I begged his patient attention to what I was going to say I then told him that when I was last in France I fell in love with a young lady of considerable merit and fortune who would without reluctance give me her hand as soon as I should
arrive on the continent that the amour in question had created a jealousy in the young lady he had seen and that I was very sure the business of the writ had been connived at with a view of keeping me from quitting the kingdom that I would to come to the point make him all the amends in my power if he would in any way suffer me to escape
To my great surprise—for I did not think this would half do with him—he appeared willing to treat and in short after many scruples—such as that he should certainly have the whole debt and costs to pay and others equally cogent—he agreed late as it was to knock up two of his friends to be bail for me who to make short of the story appeared and I gave a bond among them to pay a hundred pounds when I should return to England provided that event took place in three months a hundred and fifty if it exceeded six and double that sum if I returned a married man
As I know these fellows to be as voracious as pikes you may easily guess I lost not a moment in making the best use of my time Thus of course I did not come home nor would I trust myself to write to you till I touched this ground
lest my next letter should be worse to you than the suspence I know you have kindly felt by giving you an account of a second loss of liberty
I shall wait in this place a week I beg therefore you will write the moment you receive this and I charge you as you value truth and my friendship qualify nothing let me have the simple undisguised matter of fact; particularly as to Annette If she consent to marry that rascal Gloss though my first feelings will be a wish to come to England purposely to cut her husbands ears off my second which will very soon succeed the other will settle all other considerations into contempt and then I shall be in such a frame of mind as to make me obliterate a set of people from my memory in whom I have been mistaken Surely this will be moderate enough
As soon as I get your letter and have deliberated a little on my present affairs I shall endeavour to get among the Flemings Pray do not let a single soul at present know where I am This country is not so safe as France You will find enclosed the forty pounds which our extraordinary visitants prevented me from giving you I have no present occasion for it and you can lay part of it out to advantage in decorating my old
apartments for the accommodation of lodgers If in that or any way they can be turned to your advantage it will give me more pleasure than it possibly could to occupy them myself but remember I charge you not to attempt returning this money or any thing similar to it for I declare most solemnly if you do I will not let you know my route in which case your intention will be defeated for beside the hazard I can in that case return what you send whereas you will be deprived of a similar advantage At the same time to make you perfectly easy I will permit you to do what you can for me if I should be in actual necessity
You see my dear Mrs Marlow I must still be proud but ought not a man to be so who is determined to impose upon all the world He ought to be a clever fellow and therefore should be proud In truth one should not laugh at this for I cannot conceive a more melancholy reflection than that the intellects of mankind are so very slender so filmy such a perfect cobweb that nothing in nature is so easy as to dupe these lords of the creation through their own connivance
Adieu write immediately directed to the
post office but do not upon any account venture a second letter till I have answered the first Another thing remember put all letters into the post yourself My whole downfal among the Roebucks is imputable you know to intercepted letters though they poor dupes—is it not true that people are easily duped—do not even yet believe it
Your affectionate friend CHARLES HAZARD
As I mean now to watch our heros progress for some time which by the bye is but fair—as he is deserted by every other friend—I shall say at present that nothing of any consequence happened to him at Ostend but the receipt of the following letter from Mrs Marlow in answer to the preceding one
Before I received your letter I had gathered a great deal of news for you God be praised that you are in a place of safety Here I
believe the people are all mad The madest of them is her you and I a month ago would have sworn was not to be changed In short what signifies hiding it Miss Roebuck that was is now Mrs Gloss I have seen her myself and spoken to her but indeed I am so flurried I dont know where to begin first They have made me mad among them but I have left off writing to cry a little and now I shall have patience to tell you every thing in form
You must know the day after you left the house a gentleman came in a violent hurry with a strange story that your brother lay at the point of death but I took him for some enemy and so sent him away with a flea in his ear I have been vexed at it ever since for the news about his precious lordship is true nay it is now reported he is dead But what is this to you You know sir there are two infant Lord Hazards in being When he comes next however I shant snap him up so short
You are to understand that your brothers illness was occasioned by an accident when he was hunting His horse plunged into a river and he for some time was so entangled in the stirrups
that he had like to have been drowned—but you saved him from the other fate in France and his good stars from this in England As he was however sometime in his wet clothes and—being half tipsy—would pig like insist upon not changing them—saying that nothing ever hurt an English sportsman in the chase—he was taken the next day very ill and as I said before the report now is that he is dead
So much for him God bless him and send him better off in the other world than he wished people to be in this
My next visitor was Mr Ego who with a long face and I think real concern—but there is no knowing any body—told me that Miss Roebuck had certainly consented to have Mr Gloss that the wedding clothes were bespoke the licence purchased and the day fixed
I thought it now high time I should begin to look about me and so put on my hat and cloak and went directly to Sir Sidneys house I saw both Miss and her very good her very wise friend Mrs Emma who has been bribed over to Glosss side or I will never pretend to judge of any thing again Well I only begged to know from the
young ladys mouth whether the report I had heard was true She said it was I asked if it was true that the wedding cloaths were bespoke Yes was the answer again If the licence was ready Yes And when was the happy day to be The next day but one And now said Mrs Emma putting in her word you may carry this information to your friend and tell him—
Here she repeated some nonsense from a book that I cannot remember but it was something about taking your enemy in their arms To make short of it I came away The appointed day was yesterday and I have this morning with my own eyes seen an account of the wedding in the newspapers
There—there is your tender constant Miss Annette for you And now I can only say if it makes you uneasy one hour you are not the man of sense I take you for What the deuce are these people to plot together and creep and fetch and carry and destroy the health and peace of a young gentleman twenty times their betters—for he let them think as they please would not break his word no that he would not for the world Ill assure them What would they have next But I am getting mad with them again
Oh my dear sir how I would be revenged if I was you I wish the story was true that you told that nasty fellow with all my heart I sometimes think it is only that the lady fell in love with you for that is more likely and if she had I am sure you would have more honour than to tell If it is true do dear sir marry her if only to spite them
I dont know what else to say As to the forty pounds you have stopt my mouth it is hard however that you will be so very proud Lord how could you write about decorating your apartments for any body else A king could not deserve to have them so handsome as yourself I assure you if I had not cried heartily I dont know what I should have done with myself when I came to that part of your letter
God bless you sir and send you as happy as you deserve to be and then you will be much happier than any of your Annettes could have made you I have not patience with them But come sir keep up your spirits for something tells me all is for the best Go things how they will you are sure of one true friend for I will work my fingers to the bone for you
Remember your promise that if you should want you will apply to me But why do I say remember your promise Did you ever forget a promise Besides you know you are not to cheat me though you do all the world I wish all the world had not so cheated you
Your most grateful friend And humble servant E MARLOW
Charles had so far cheated Mrs Marlow notwithstanding her opinion of his honesty that he did not inform her of giving the bailiff five guineas as an accommodation fee nor his paying the costs all which together with the expence of his journey and passage sunk his stock to nineteen guineas but he had not the heart to curtail the old gentlewoman of a single guinea
He was fitting in his lodging counting this sum and considering what he should do with it when the master of the house who had called at the post office by his desire brought him the foregoing letter
It is pity my time is now so precious that I cannot give an accurate description of Charless reception
of the news this letter contained No mad hero in romance ever played over such a number of curious gambols no not the madest copier of them all in the madest of his curvets and caprioles in the mountains of Morena The Fleming at whose house he lodged might have sworn he was a tumbler or a lunatic One moment he stampt and raved the next measured his length upon the floor then starting up he for about ten minutes took a fit of execrating all the world but most himself Next Glosss throat was to be cut in short if all his incoherencies were to have been literally put in practice he would have annihilated Gloss pistolled Figgins called Sir Sidney an old fool upbraided Annette as the most infamous of her sex kicked Emma to the devil and then followed her himself for so we may fairly construe his saying he would nobly fall in their presence
When this storm had a little subsided he called the affrighted Fleming into his presence made an apology for his outrageous conduct and desired that a surgeon might be sent for At the same time he bid him take an account of some of the furniture which he had broken in his rage and which he observed his landlord to eye with tokens of grief and astonishment as it lay scattered about the floor
The surgeon being come Charles told him in the most placid manner that he had heard some unpleasant news from England of the death of a relation that it had put him into that ferment which I have so imperfectly described and lest a fever should be the consequence he begged to be bled The surgeon perfectly approved of the precaution and immediately proceeded to work after which our hero went to bed where a comfortable potation advised by a physician and prepared by an apothecary who seeing their brother professor enter the Flemings house from the corner of a street where they were in deep consultation about the different construction of syringes dropt their controversy to follow him
These precautions operating with some calm undisturbed advice which our hero had by this time whispered to himself brought him into such a state of tranquillity that he pursued his journey the next morning and in due time arrived at the ancient city of Ghent Here he immediately looked for a lodging and at length fixed himself to his satisfaction in the upper apartments of an upholsterer where the first floor was occupied by a French widow lady who had been settled there about a year and a half She was in but an indifferent state of health and paid an extraordinary price for her
apartment that she might not be disturbed with the noise of a family over her head This was however no objection to her landlords reception of Charles who she was told was a perfect stranger and had no attendants Nor perhaps was it a bar to his accommodation for ladies sick or well never start at a handsome young fellow that is to say as they do at toads and beetles The lady also first sighed and then smiled when her landlord added that the young gentleman seemed to be very unhappy but that he was certainly a man of some consequence and a most elegant and comely figure
CHARLES as had been his intention proclaimed himself to his landlord as a painter and expressed a wish to copy a few pictures if there could be any way of getting at them The landlord told him that the very lady who lodged in the first floor had two very capital ones and he had no doubt would lend them with great pleasure
The request was made to her and she returned for answer that the gentleman might see the pictures and if then they were found to answer his purpose he was very welcome to copy them
To say truth both the gentleman and the lady though neither knew why were charmed at this incident of the pictures for the lady had heard of nothing but the gentlemans parises and particularly
of the beauty of his person ever since he had come into the house and he had an irresistible curiosity to see a person as much sequestered from the world as himself and for probably as extraordinary reasons He therefore returned a proper compliment and at a time perfectly convenient to her—that is to say when she had put on a new cap and otherwise prepared for his reception—he took the liberty of paying his respects to her
Neither Charles nor the lady would probably have made so much ceremonious preparation for this interview if they had foreseen how intimately they were known to each other for they had scarcely met when she exclaimed—for womens perception as well as their tongues is always forwardest—
Good heavens Mr Hazard
—which he answered as emphatically with
God bless my soul Madame Combrie
And then recollecting that she was said to be a widow he felt a singular mixed sensation of surprise and pleasure which gave a strange embarrassed awkwardness to his manner and prevented him from following up his exclamation with a compliment
Whether this proceeded from an inclination to enquire after Combrie which the knowledge of her present situation forbid I will not determine—Certainly
the lady chose to interpret it in this light for she immediately said
You look as if you would ask for poor Combrie Mr Hazard he is no more He had scarcely made me independant when I lost him but I am hastening after him and we shall one day yet be happy together
Charles softened the conversation declared himself heartily sorry for her loss but begged she would not dwell upon any part of those circumstances which brought up the recollection of any thing that pained her on remembrance
She said she was obliged to him but she had long since learnt to be perfectly resigned to all that could happen and the conversation of such a friend as he had proved himself would be as agreeable to her as it had been unexpected
When Mrs Combrie was in the communicative vein our hero suffered her to inform him of the particulars relative to her affairs after the recovery of her fortune What Combrie had written of his going to England was but a feint for embarking at Rouen for Dunkirk where he arrived in safety he posted immediately for Brussels From Brussels which they considered as too public a place they removed to Ypres but previous to this
Combrie took a journey to Amsterdam and there lodged their money At Ypres they lived two years and a half in perfect happiness and were blessed with a daughter who dying in the small pox her father who had never had that fatal distemper and whose attention to his darling child was not to be prevented also fell sick and took that disorder in so dangerous a way as baffled every exertion of art In short in one week fortune left her deprived of a tender husband and a beautiful infant
At the first shock said she I thought I should not have lingered long after them My constitution has however been hitherto proof against the strongest grief that ever attacked a human heart but I am gradually declining and in a few months perhaps weeks shall follow poor Combrie
Charles warned her against giving way to unnecessary melancholy advised her not to seclude herself from the world gave her every consolatory advice within his invention and concluded with the most fervent offers of his services in any way that she should think proper to command them
She said though she had good reason for supposing that her end was approaching she knew her
duty as a christian better than to accelerate it and to prove this she had empowered a capital house in Ghent to receive her money from the Dutch bank which as soon as she had in her hands it was her intention to pass over to England where perhaps the change of climate might restore her to health if not she should have done her duty and could then die contented
Charles greatly approved of her plan and as he really felt extremely sorry at the prospect of parting with a lady whom he had formerly so essentially served and whose case made her stand so much in need of friendship and consolation he manifested great anxiety in this business For one thing he determined to recommend her to the tender care of Mrs Marlow and in short though it was impossible to attend her himself he so laid out for her comfort and accommodation that it gave him no small pleasure to reflect that having once saved her fortune he should now in all probability save her life
This was the benevolent employment in a strange country of that horrid wretch who in his own was represented as a monster of iniquity for all which he received numberless thanks and many a grateful tear from the generous widow
One morning as he waited on her to communicate some new scheme of pleasure he had been contriving for her he met on the stairs a man whom he was confident he had somewhere seen before—His surmises were presently realized into certainty when Madame Combrie informed him that the merchant had been just with her with information that he expected one of his partners every day with the money
You are to know said she I ever was partial to the English and these merchants who are of that country are the most sensible and feeling men I ever knew They are men of business and therefore have a blunt honesty about them that I ever liked and then as to property and security I need only again say they are English—In short I believe I could not have got into better hands than Bondham and company
Oh gracious God exclaimed Charles what do you tell me For Gods sake answer me Was that Bondham I met on the stairs
It was said the lady
Then by heaven and earth you are ruined madam returned Charles Forgive me my dear lady forgive me I would not give you a moments uneasiness not the
slightest shock but you have not an instant to lose You are in the hands of villains Stay is there an attorney near at hand Can a man be arrested in Austria by the plaintive himself for a debt contracted in England
In short without any further elucidation our hero left the astonished Madame Combrie enquired out an attorney and lugged him along to the house of these merchants but alas they came a few minutes too late Bondham and Co having all decamped and after some fruitless enquiry it was ascertained they had taken their departure towards the frontiers
He returned to Madame Combrie in company with the attorney told her that his suspicions had been but too fatally confirmed and begged she would instantly empower him to do her justice in which case he would immediately follow these miscreants whom he well knew how to make an example of
He entreated the attorney to accompany him to which he consented first making an agreement that he should be well satisfied for his trouble which only proves that attornies are attornies all the world over
The gentleman of the law then drew up a short instrument to give Charles sufficient power to act and the landlord and indeed half the town—for our hero had dealt about his curses pretty handsomely in the street—accompanied post horses to the door at which Charles entreated Madame Combrie to make herself as easy as possible for added he
I once madam saved your fortune and I will now retrieve it or perish in the attempt
He then huddled a few necessaries together mounted his horse and with the attorney and the guide galloped away in the very track of the fugitives They lost them however for more than the last fifty miles but coming to Amsterdam found that they had actually received all the money and embarked but six hours before for Harwich
Never mind cried out our hero we will follow them
So saying he was directed to a skipper who at an exorbitant price supplied them with a sloop in which by Charless direction they ran with a fair wind under the shore of a village at the mouth of the Colchester river Then taking the attorney and the skipper in a post chaise they stopt short of Harwich at the house of a magistrate to whom Charles related his story which was this that these men had defrauded him formerly
out of a large sum of money for which transaction he had fairly hold of them in England but he only wished to make his claim an instrument to rescue from them a still larger sum the property of a French lady which under false pretences they had drawn out of the bank at Amsterdam
The justice who happened to understand something of the law advised him to arrest them as the first step after which he said he would back our heros pretensions with his whole authority and as his presence added to talking big might facilitate the hoped for success he ordered his carriage and willingly set out to accompany our hero upon his laudable design
The reader sees these men were the swindler formerly spoken of the bailiff who kept Charless asylum for the unfortunate and his security Against the security he had a fair action of fifteen hundred pounds being the moiety of what had been forfeited Against the swindler he might go for the whole and also against the bailiff and as his business was to tamper with them as much as possible he sent an express for three separate writs which kept him though the utmost expedition was used upon the tenter hooks of fear and expectation lest his prey in the interim should escape
Before they had proceeded a single mile on the way they saw a post chaise at an alehouse door with a man watering the horses Presently Charles recognized Bondham by the side of a chaise He now called to the postillion to stop and pretend there was something the matter with the carriage thinking it would be more difficult to surprise them separately than together At the same time he begged the magistrate would drive slowly on and pass them so that they might be caught between two fires for they had an officer behind each of the carriages This was happily executed Charless speaking to those in the other carriage was not at all suspicious for it only seemed mere curiosity from one which the other satisfied At the same time he hid his face and otherwise kept himself completely from a discovery which indeed was not difficult for the others suspected no snare
At length our hero had the satisfaction of seeing the three gentlemen enter the chaise which done he got out pretending to assist in setting the carriage to rights The Flemish attorney and postillion were also on their guard and as the other chaise drew near the latter with great dexterity left his work and unhorsed his fellow driver in an instant and then ran to the heads of the horses by which
time the attorney at one door and Charles at the other held their prisoners in safe custody
Pretending not to know Charles they called out
What do you mean to rob us
No said the officer who was by this time come up we want to prevent you from robbing other people I have separate actions against you to the tune of seven thousand five hundred pounds
Nothing in nature is so cowardly as a detected viliain If he have a pistol in his hand he will fire it through desperation but if he be unarmed no slinking cur ever tucked his tail between his legs in so dastardly a manner
The swindler cocked his hat but that was all the security sweat and the bailiff trembled from head to foot By this time the magistrate joined them who exclaimed
God bless my soul I find it is first come first served here I have a demand upon these gentlemen Come mynheer stand forward
The skipper began to jabber something that nobody understood but the attorney who explained in French that he had a claim on them for defrauding
the Dutch bank which our hero in a most insulting tone translated for them into English
Next came a mock dispute between our hero and the magistrates Both claimed the gentlemen as their respective prisoners who in their turn beginning to take a little courage demanded to see by what authority they were detained
The officer said archly he had no sort of objection if they had a fancy for it to expose them to every passenger on the road but he thought as they might be assured they were nailed fast enough it would be the best way to go forward to his worships where every thing would be properly explained to them
In short added he here are the red tails and you may depend upon it I shant let you out of my sight till you are safely lodged in Chelmsford jail I did my business first and if his worship wants you up afterwards upon other affairs thats none of my concern thousands are serious things and my mind wont be easy till I have fairly shopped you
Several horsemen and others being seen at a distance the prisoners consented to go to his worships where a very serious examination passed The
Dutch embassadors name and many others of very high authority were bandied about with great freedom At length there being in fact no possibility of exhibiting a just claim on the part of Madame Combrie our hero contented himself with getting from them his original three thousand pounds upon undertaking by virtue of his power from that lady that no further demand on her account should be made against them in England
As I shall not be able to edge in a word by and by upon such paltry subjects I will drop these three gentlemen in this place for ever by saying that after this triumvirate came to Flanders they entered into trade at Ghent and under the appearance of a considerable property negociated money matters which they resolved to carry on with scrupulous honesty in order to beget them a character till an opportunity should offer of striking one stroke for all This they thought they could not more successfully practice than on a defenceless widow
Having so laid their plot that it could not fail—nor indeed ever be known had not Charles so unexpectedly come across them—they resolved to decamp and being arrived in England avail them•elves of a fraudulent bankruptcy first sharing the
whole of their effects in equal proportions This however they knew they could not do unless they previously came to a composition with our hero—for in his affair there was evidently fraud collusion and conspiracy—which they had no doubt but they should be able to do through a third person upon easy terms Fortune however ordained it otherwise as we have seen
As to what became of them afterwards the swindler was one of the first of those who were transported to Botany Bay the security died of poverty in a prison and the bailiff attaching himself to an infamous prostitute—who first ruined and then betrayed him—at length followed his honourable principal
After many sincere acknowledgments to the magistrate—with whom they stayed all night—for his uncommon attention and politeness our hero and the attorney reembarked after agreeing with the skipper to set them ashore at Ostend which would sooner bring them to the relief of Madame Combries suspense
On the road Charles let the attorney into his intention as to the report he should make of this business to the lady at which information whatever
it might be he testified much surprise and indeed began to think the young gentleman was turned fool but being convinced to the contrary by Charless following the discovery with a reward he from that moment certainly had a very great regard for our hero—for he told him so
They found Madame Combrie in a much weaker state than she appeared to be in when they parted from her She listened however to the tale of their success with more unconcern than our hero expected which—for the reader knows he was determined now to impose upon people—he explained to be this
That they had overtaken the fugitives as we have mentioned and that being in England where it was impossible to obtain any legal redress—for the matter did not amount to a robbery they having received the money by her own order—he had been under the unpleasant necessity of coming to a composition and of receiving three thousand pounds instead of almost double that sum
Thank God you have recovered it madam added Charles and let this narrow escape warn you in future how you trust to strangers
He then displayed documents to the amount of
two thousand eight hundred and fifty pounds the rest he said having gone to defray different expences and recompence that gentleman—meaning the Flemish attorney—for the extraordinary pains and attention he had shewn in the whole affair finishing with a most florid eulogium on the generosity and disinterestedness of this benevolent lawyer who had—still like his brethren in other countries—eaten drank and slept well said yes and no and rather puzzled matters than explained them
Our honest attorney being gone Madame Combrie made a very long and very grateful speech by way of thanks to our hero Towards the conclusion she uttered these words
Seeing all this is the case that your own situation is so straitened—for Charles had told her every thing except indeed that he was in present necessity—that I stand in need of a protector and that I sincerely believe there is not a man upon earth of such generous such delicate honour as yourself let me offer you a right to call this money yours a right I do not blush to tender a right that should Combrie look down and see us at this moment he would cheerfully sanctify for he was good and benevolent like yourself
Take care madam what you offer said our hero You do not however know all my situation My debts in England would consume nearly one third of this money but I own we might ornament a most smiling cottage with the remainder
Lookee my dear Mr Hazard said the lady I may not live in which case who can this money so worthily belong to as yourself I hold it at present but as a trust—the poor lady however did not know how nearly she approached to the truth—and as were it fifty times that sum were you without a sixpence in possession or expectancy it should court your acceptance so I can now only grieve that its insignificance reflects no merit on my offer
Madam said Charles more seriously you know my fatal devotion to a false and ungenerous young lady
—for I must explain here Charless delicacy never would permit him to name Annette
I do said the lady
You know I can never love another as I have loved her
This also I both admit and admire said the lady
You know it is not in my power to offer you more than the most servent friendship
Which in you said Mrs Combrie has for me more charms than the most violent love in any other
man
You know I have not a friend in the world and that my fortune is ruined
Talk of something that will enhance the value of my offer said the lady
Knowing this if you will take me exclaimed Charles with the greatest warmth I am yours and heavens my witness nothing shall surpass the fidelity and admiration of the best husband that ever devoted himself to the most disinterested and generous of women and now my charming angelic creature—for nothing is so young and beautiful as goodness—let us first be married and then to England where our cottage shall be thronged with joys unknown to emperors
It is almost unnecessary to add that the lady was charmed with this conduct or that the very next day they became man and wife
HAVING at this ticklish period married my hero greatly I doubt not to the disappointment of some readers I shall leave him and his sick wife who really seem to be fit company for each other and return to England from whence we have lately heard of a wedding in a very different style
That I may be as succinct as possible I shall take the matter up earlier than when Mrs Marlow left Annette so highly in dudgeon and so come roundly to that point which I must tell the reader happened to be a remarkably critical one
The reader will readily recollect the conversation between Mr Ego and Mrs Marlow which of course was only an echo of what continually passed at Sir Sidneys and contained a very inconsiderable part of those manoeuvres which Mr Gloss daily put in practice to deceive the good baronet
He had however a much harder task to perform for Annette and even Emma must be shaken in their allegiance to this king of their hearts before he could stand the smallest chance of moulding them to his purpose To do this he watched all our heros actions and when he set on foot his newspaper employed an agent to purchase—virtually for him however—one of the shares This it is not difficult to divine was the man who arrested him and from whom he obtained his liberty upon the terms of his going abroad which had he not been so precipitate in proposing himself would have been offered to him
The person who held this share of the paper for Mr Gloss appeared to be a great favourer of the scheme and was one of the last who seceded both of which steps were good policy because one enabled him to do the paper a great deal of private injury and the other kept all its secrets within his knowledge to the last moment
When the paper was put down the other daily prints began as I have already said to bespatter our hero who after the business of the challenge that he might not be provoked by them read nothing they inserted On that account the following paragraph totally escaped his notice which was
given to the public about four days before Annette paid Charles that visit the nature of which it is now my business to explain
We advise a certain baronet with that warmth and interest the nature of so extraordinary a case and his excellent character deserve to look with every possible caution to the security of his amiable daughters person who notwithstanding her exemplary devotion to the will of a tender father may nevertheless be surprised by the machinations of a certain young newspaper adventurer who that his mischievous brain may be always at work—having given over attacking celebrated and established public productions—is now turning his thoughts to a scheme which unless the parties are extremely wary will destroy by force that domestic peace which he could not undermine by art
This paragraph in the usual pompous style had scarcely appeared when two or three strange fellows were watching about Sir Sidneys house and one was seen in the garden but he made his escape over the wall before the servant could come up with
him To say truth Sir Sidney was not a little alarmed Indeed Annette herself could not help testifying some surprise and as to Emma though her sentiments were perfectly decided she kept them to herself for some freedoms Mr Gloss had about that time provoked her to take drew from Sir Sidney what amounted to almost a declaration of dismissing her his house upon a repetition of such liberties
Until the upshot of our heros villanous stratagem should be known Sir Sidney proposed that they should all go into the country for a few days and the place made choice of was Richmond where they had been repeatedly invited by an old friend of the baronet
Mr Gloss having carried his point thus far the accomplishment of his scheme waited only for its coup de grace This was performed in the following manner
As Annette was strolling in the garden to enjoy the sweet serenity of a moonlight night and not to hide the truth to reflect on her love for our hero who now she began to fear would never be hers and what was worse never deserve to be hers two men suddenly came behind her Having taken
their measures like adepts in their business she was completely prevented from either struggling or alarming any of the family and in a very few minutes placed between the strangers in a post chaise
These gentlemen told her with many asseverations to back the truth of their assertions that no harm was intended her that she was only to be carried to Squire Hazards house in London who Lord bless his heart for he was a worthy gentleman loved her better than he did his eyes and who this orator said it was his belief intended to marry her that very night or stick himself before her face
Annette with prayers and entreaties begged they would carry her back again Her pride was deeply wounded at this poor this paltry scheme of stealing her from her father and I must own and commend her for it at the same time that she had at that moment a contemptible opinion of Charles—At the same time she could not think that she ran the smallest risk as to her honour She could easily see she should be pursued and as her father and Mr Gloss were already upon their guard probably overtaken before they should arrive at the end of their journey
With these ideas in contemplation Annette bore her misfortune with something like composure which so won in appearance on her conductors that they began to plead the cause of our hero very forcibly not but they allowed it was a little hard to oblige a young lady to do any thing against her will even though it was to please herself One of them pretended to be so attached to her interest that he would tell her Lord love her pretty face all how the thing was that she might better know what to make of matters when she should see young Squire Hazard This well concerted fiction was nothing more than fancying what a man would naturally do who saw as it were a young lady fly into his very arms He said at first sight our hero would appear very much astonished at seeing her He would then pretend to suppose the whole business was her act and deed
Ay said she but he shall not have time to do that
Upon that circumstance they hitched their whole hope of success If once Charles and Annette should begin to quarrel every word must widen the breach nor—that our hero might have as much embarrassment as possible—was the time pitched upon a slight article in this mass of contrivance When could it be put in execution to such good effect as at that moment when his mind was
perturbed distracted and broken to pieces by reflecting on his successless attempts at independancy and when he was—which is SHAKESPEAREs doubt magnified—flying from ills he had to rush on others that he knew not of
All these matters so artfully conceived so nicely combined and so certain in their effect could not fail of producing exactly what we have seen It is needless to say that Mr Gloss kept the post chaise in sight all the way for he mounted his horse the moment they were fairly off leaving word with a servant to tell Sir Sidney—who he had taken care should be at some distance—that seeking him and explaining matters would take up too much time but that Miss Roebuck was stolen away by Mr Hazard and he was set out to follow them He therefore advised him to come to town himself with all expedition but not to be under the least apprehension for he would restore the young lady or lose his life in the attempt There was something a little awkward in not taking the baronet with him but there would have been risk in it and the strong circumstances which would afterwards come out must he knew completely cover any inaccuracy that in a contrivance of so complicate a nature was of course indispensible
When Annette got home and Sir Sidney heard her inveigh against our hero and extol in the highest terms of panegyric the generosity and gallantry of Gloss he ran over with pleasure He almost pitied the poor desperate devil who had been put to so pitiful so unavailing a piece of villanous folly so ill contrived that it defeated its own end He launched out into the most grateful flow of warmth and energy in praise of Gloss and told his daughter that she could no longer refuse to give him her hand Grant he said that this young monster had formerly made an impression on her heart it was now as much a duty she owed herself as him to tear from her mind all traces of a passion that could reflect on her only unworthiness and dishonour an affection for an unprincipled villain and a paltry coward
Indeed nothing had set Sir Sidney so much against Charles as his having refused to accept the challenge especially after Gloss had reminded him that one of his ancestors in the reign of one of the Edwards had at a tournament fought a duel by the kings authority
Mr Gloss was not yet however contented He would seek for more proofs against Mr Hazard—The affection of such a young lady as Miss Roebuck
could not but be decided let it be placed ever so unworthily No pains ought to be spared to restore ease to so gentle a heart a heart that it should be the whole devotion of his life to merit
The next day he pretended to enquire about Charles and found to his great astonishment—for so he told Sir Sidney—that he had somehow or other got rid of the bailiff and slipt away to France Another day or two was taken to enquire into the particulars of this transaction Every moment of all this time Sir Sidney was making preparations for the wedding Annette being yet wavering and unresolved till on the morning of that day when Mrs Marlow called at Sir Sidneys by the greatest good luck in the world the bailiff and the two bail were found out and brought before Sir Sidney to whom they offered to make oath that Charles was gone abroad to be married and produced the bond as a corroboration of what they asserted
Annette without hesitation now consented to the marriage to do which she mustered up so strong a portion of resolution and wore such apparent content in her features that except now and then a sigh she betrayed no sort of repugnance before company as to what was going forward
Emma however was not even yet deceived but what could avail her feeble voice in a multitude—that is to say in mere reasoning for if she had spoken out it would have been in thunder—especially prohibited as she was from speaking It was on this account she desired Mrs Marlow while Annette was at the other end of the room to tell Charles
that his enemy was now an Antaeus in the arms of Hercules
This the good lady did not understand or could not remember otherwise it might have made some alteration in Charless conduct And now came the moment as Emma thought for her to step forward She gloried in the opportunity and the more her adversaries approached to an host the stronger she found herself against them
Her grand coup de theatre however was for the present postponed for at six oclock on that very morning Annette was to have been made a bride it was the opinion of every one about her that she would never be married but to her grave She was seized with so violent a fever accompanied by so strong a delirium that her father Lady Roebuck three physicians and an apothecary were fully of opinion she could not live till the canonical hour
Mr Gloss however to work as secretly as possible did not fail to blaze in the papers with an account of the wedding no circumstance being omitted to hyperbolize the splendid talents of the bridegroom or the fortune beauty and accomplishments of the daughter of that truly patriotic and independant country gentleman Sir Sidney Walter Roebuck the oldest title of baronet in the kingdom
Annettes illness in compliment to Charles—though it was no more than what had happened to him in compliment to her—had like to have had effects as dangerous as they were sudden For a whole fortnight nobody expected she would recover After that time however though she certainly exhibited tokens of convalescence yet her mind had been so rudely shocked as to leave the recovery of her intellects a very doubtful business They were at length so far restored as to sadden into a settled placid melancholy which left her a pale and mournful example of sensible and unshaken constancy
Mr Gloss began now to be afraid that providence had determined to defeat what he had defied the impuissant art of man to destroy Yet that nothing might be wanted on his part he was indefatigable
to procure intelligence of our heros motions when at length through Ego he learnt of his marriage Ego himself having been informed of it by Mrs Marlow
Emma finding that this marriage was no counterfeit like the rest began in earnest to fear that all was over To satisfy herself of the particulars she called on Mrs Marlow—for now she was determined to keep no measures—and was by her shewn the letters from our hero by which she plainly saw he had fallen a victim to the arts of Gloss Her heart bled for him She perceived he had entailed misery on himself through the best pride and the noblest honour that ever young man possessed His case therefore appeared to be desperate
This however she conceived ought for the sake of her young lady rather to accelerate than retard her measures which she was now resolved to go about fully and fairly especially as to give expediency to them she had through Mrs Marlow though unknown to that good woman made a strong corroborative discovery of one of those facts through which she expected to carry her point
Emma compared herself to General Monk saying
she was determined to strike no stroke till she should be sure of success
Having now however collected her whole force into one point of view she marched forward and without a single hostile movement obtained a decisive victory
In other words, Sir Sidney no sooner heard what she had to alledge backed with such convincing proofs than no man upon earth ever took such blame to himself or conceived such an inveterate enmity to another as he did to Mr Gloss Indeed had not the discovery Emma made involved matters of still greater importance which were not yet quite ripe for public examination nothing could have restrained the baronet from making of his quondam favourite an immediate and most severe example As it was he fairly inlisted under General Emma who though she feared she should not put her King Charles in possession of that throne Annettes person yet she was now sure of restoring the happiness of that kingdom Sir Sidneys family whose interest she had so dearly at heart
Poor Annette could enjoy none of this A heavy languor pervaded her senses She received every thing that was said to her with beautiful attention
and solemn innocence but gave no tokens of collected comprehension except answering with a sigh any passage of tenderness and now and then letting fall a pearly tear with always—in a faint but sweet accent—the exclamation of
I am sure poor Charles is not a villain
As Emmas provident conduct with her principal General Monk in view seems to be an example worthy imitation I shall here so far follow it as to bring into one focus such objects as will conduce to an elucidation of what to some may have appeared extraneous
As however early in this history I disclaimed the idea of introducing any thing foreign to the subject—indeed I must have been very absurd if I had introduced any such thing for I have full matter enough that honestly appertains to it—I will not give what I am now going to explain the appellation of extraneous but leading circumstances
To effect some part of this purpose I shall now give a brief account of Mr Figgins from the time he bid our hero adieu at Lyons to the period to which this history is advanced The reader knows
that the gentleman I am speaking of was heartily glad to quit Charles and return to England To this however he was induced by a motive among others of a better kind than has been yet explained He was then doing or rather professing to do what we are told by the highest authority is impossible namely serving two masters and which to keep that incomparable idea in view was literally speaking God and Mammon In short his compacts with Charles and Mr Standfast were very opposite things yet to the one he was obliged and to the other willing to adhere
Mr Figgins had not sufficiently considered that however vice may have its allurements there is yet something so pure so winning in virtue and honour that a man stands a chance of becoming a convert to it even though—like an advocate who pleads a cause he has no opinion of—he should only maintain the subject by way of mere argument
Thus it happened to Mr Figgins for he very often caught himself in the very act of seriously admiring our hero when his agreement was to serve his enemies
He did not flinch however as we have seen—He discharged his trust to the very letter of it and
then claimed what had been promised him a living of two hundred a year to be added to his other income
Finding however that Mr Standfasts performance of this promise depended upon the interest of Zekiel who as we have seen upon his accession to his fortune left him fairly in the lurch Mr Figgins began to see he had been a rogue for nonothing He could not notwithstanding blame Mr Standfast whose loss was still heavier yet he was determined to shake of that tyrannical yoke which—in consequence of a few favours conferred on him in his youth out of which by the way the other had had his gleanings—Standfast had so heavily laid on his shoulders To do this with perfect propriety was however no easy task nor would he have been able to effect it with any prospect of real satisfaction to himself or advantage to others if he had not thought of a coalition with Emma
To this Mr Figgins was stimulated by various motives Mr Standfast had unbent his mind a good deal before him and particularly in an altercation one day with Mrs OShocknesy when such hints were thrown out as obliged him in his mind to take a decided part on the spot
A few days after this he received intelligence from Mr Balance of the handsome way in which our hero had settled on him a hundred a year—This determined him to take an active part The consideration that all his dirty work had been paid by a disappointment and that the very man he had assisted to cheat had conferred on him such an unexpected and unmerited benefit worked strongly in his heart It reproached him with being a rascal a despicable low shuffling villain In short like Harry Hotspurs starling nothing sleeping or waking was dinned in his ears by his conscience but such opprobrious sounds till at length the conslict abated and he tasted the pleasure of feeling himself an honest man
To do our hero any thing like justice he saw was a most tremendous task indeed and of this he soon convinced Emma who said it was plain the attempt and not the deed would confound them
The reader will admit that circumstances half disclosed lead to such a maze of apparently different meanings that the chances are infinitely against coming at the truth by pursuing any one of them No wonder then they were frequently thrown out and unable to proceed with certainty to any thing further than what Sir Sidney was now acquainted
with and which as it related only to the downfal of Mr Gloss and our heros reconciliation with the baronet was but a trifle in comparison of what they were sure by patience and perseverance they might achieve
Besides to say the truth they were willing to let Charles go the length of his tether There was such redundancy of goodness in his mind that it was absolutely necessary he should know the world practically that he should feel experience They thought they could marry him to Annette whenever they pleased but here indeed they reckoned without their host though it must be owned not without good sense for nothing could be so unlikely as that he should take so extraordinary a step though as matters turned out I hope the reader does not think it extraordinary at all
Thus then their plot rolled on like a snow ball till Annette began to be actually in danger for then it was found necessary for Figgins to act overtly towards Charles in proportion as Emma observed the same conduct with Sir Sidney For this purpose he called at Charless house—for he was the stranger of whom Mrs Marlow speaks in her letter—with the news of his brothers dangerous illness which
was no invention but actually a fact and to confirm what is there imperfectly given I now inform the reader that Master Zekiel—to use the landlords expression at the John of Gaunt—began to rub off the rust of his ancestors by leaving the world three days after the sporting accident before spoken of upon which Mr Tadpole took possession at the Lady Dowagers desire for the eldest son lawfully begotten by Lord Hazard till he should arrive to the age of one and twenty and in case of his death for the younger
Mr Gloss however who could see as well and as far as either Mr Figgins or Mrs Emma took care as we have seen to defeat the whole end of this friendly visit It was however repeated the day after Mrs Marlow wrote to Charles when Mr Figgins explained himself as far as he thought necessary and among the rest told the good old lady that he had three hundred and fifty pounds belonging to the young gentleman which he wanted to remit him which money to shew to what a degree Figgins was become honest was the very identical annuity as far as he had received it which Charles had settled on him and which he vowed to the Almighty in the presence of Emma he would not touch a shilling of till he had like a man of
honour confessed his former conduct to Charles himself implored his pardon and by some worthy atonement merited his friendship
Upon this subject he incessantly besieged Mrs Marlow and indeed so did Emma till finding they were real friends—for as Emma told her
he who gives money seldom feigns
—the old gentlewoman became as anxious to bring about this reconciliation as Figgins to desire it But how was this to be done Our heros proceedings had been so sudden and extraordinary that he had no opportunity of writing till he was ready to come to England and then he thought it unnecessary for lest his wife should become weaker they packed up their alls and began their journey in a day or two after their marriage so that not one syllable came from Charles to Mrs Marlow till she received the following letter from Rochester
TO Mrs MARLOW AT —
I intended to have surprised you with my presence but it cannot be I am not however sick except at heart nor is my person in
danger on the contrary the wishedfor competency is already obtained As however it is impossible to come on to you you must come and that immediately to me for I want you in a case where all your attentive tenderness and sympathy will be necessary I am sure I need not urge you further
I have volumes to tell you therefore you can know nothing till we meet only this that I am married so Mrs Gloss has not so completely triumphed as perhaps she imagines for you see I can even write her damned name with all the composure in the world
Yours most faithfully C HAZARD
Call at the Bell
Mrs Marlow who had though innocently been herself the cause of what our hero had done was in a sit of distraction at the receipt of this letter—She thought every door was now barred between Charles and that which could alone procure his happiness
In this situation she was found by Figgins who in vain administered every possible consolation to
her She said she was an ungrateful woman a wrongheaded impatient wretch who in return for saving her and hers from wretchedness and misery had wantonly though heaven knew not wickedly heaped destruction on the head of her benefactor
At length however they both considered that to lose a moments time would be committing a real crime while she was only accusing herself of an imaginary one It was therefore determined that they should both set out in the same post chaise and that Figgins should begin his attack on our heros sensibility in the presence of Mrs Marlow who had so much to say in his desence Indeed they most seriously promised to be each others advocate though both knew there was not a tenderer nor more merciful heart upon earth and this was a greater consolation to Figgins than to Mrs Marlow for he well knew how sublimely our hero excelled in all noble and generous exertions while she was convinced that this very sweetness in him would be her bitterest sorrow for the readier he might be to forgive her the more unwilling should she be to forgive herself and indeed both of these reflections were perfect in their kind for one had been guilty of crimes which to procure peace of
mind must be pardoned and forgotten whereas the other was only an error which ought to be remembered that it might not be repeated
I shall now leave our heros friend and housekeeper on the road to Rochester and see how he himself came there as well as explain why he could not reach London The matter will be understood when I say that having determined to visit England immediately after the wedding he and his lady set out by short stages to Ostend for it was yet possible that it might be dangerous for her to set her foot in France and it was his business not to do any thing that could give her the smallest apprehension This journey was also taken as soon as possible for marriage had not by any means abated the good ladys disorder on the contrary she visibly became worse every day which was not perhaps a little facilitated by a discovery of our heros trick as to the fortune
In short the attorney looking upon the transaction as a kind of miracle proclaimed it from one to another till at length it came to the ladys ears who finding that very generosity performed by another of which she hoped to reap all the glory herself grew—so perverse is human nature—very unhappy at it Not that she repined at being dependant
on such a husband for she spoke of his greatness of soul with a kind of adoration but her tender heart melted to think that she could give nothing in return for such goodness but trouble uneasiness and sorrow That a perfect youth rich in all the gifts of nature, and blest with heavens best endowments should be fated to drag on a life of sadness and receive only the feeble endearments of unavailing gratitude when the willing and inspiring love of the handsomest and best woman upon earth would be infinitely beneath his merits
Some other female considerations perhaps lent these a little strength Mrs Hazard was many years older than her husband her illness had not altered her person to her advantage—for she certainly had been a very beautiful woman—and the consciousness that she could not render him that attention her wishes prompted her to finished her wretchedness a settled gloom pervaded her mind and she pined at heart that she could only give thanks where it would have delighted her soul to have bestowed worlds
There was however a stronger reason than any of these Her disorder had taken deep hold on her before she saw Charles and when she set out for England it had become a serious business Our
hero therefore before he took this step had a consultation of physicians who privately assured him that whatever was done could be considered only as an experiment for that her end though it seemed at some small distance evidently appeared but too certain A voyage to England therefore was by no means unadvisable for certainly they had known change of air and a passage by sea bring about extraordinary cures and that if it should have the contrary effect he would have the consciousness of recollecting the integrity of his own intentions in a business where fate at last was to decide
Mrs Hazard arrived at Ostend tolerably well considering her situation and Charles after resting two or three days to find a convenient vessel and choose calm weather handed her on board a sloop bound for Dover Their passage however was rendered both tedious and troublesome by an alteration of the wind which suddenly chopt about and blew almost a gale Charles was himself very sick but his wifes situation was dreadful on which he was congratulated by several passengers who said they were sure it would restore the ladys health Those however who entertain this opinion are egregiously mistaken for how can straining and lacerating the stomach be of service to it I shall not at any rate pretend to say farther on this subject
here than that it had on this good lady an effect very different from that prognosticated for she had scarcely landed at Dover after a passage of seventeen hours when she was seized with fainting fits which followed one another, at different intervals for three days after which she grew more equal in her symptoms being neither so high nor so low in spirits
In this equanimity of mind she thought she could very well proceed on her journey and both she and our hero flattered themselves that after this crisis of her disorder it would take a favourable turn They therefore set out making short stages or as the postillion from the ship who had been a sailor called it trips
At length the whole hopes of both Charles and his lady were frustrated for she had scarcely got into the inn at Rochester when she was again seized with her fainting fits which continued in so long and so alarming a succession that the worst consequences were greatly feared Charles therefore wrote as we have seen immediately to Mrs Marlow till whose arrival he became—as indeed he had been all along—a tender and affectionate husband a consoling and instructive companion and what was perhaps as much to his honour as either a
watchful and attentive nurse—and in this sentiment I will insist for upon the same principle in a state that the bustle of war is only necessary in proportion as it promotes the blessings of peace so he is the greatest man who can relish after the exertions of his public duty in a still more exalted degree the felicity arising from domestic tranquillity
WHEN Mrs Marlow arrived at Rochester Mrs Hazard was at the last extremity so that the good old lady had little more to do than to close her eyes
Mrs Hazards whole conduct throughout her illness had been touching and exemplary Charles though he did not love her with ardour yet loved her with a better affection than do nine husbands out of ten love their wives He found himself possessed of a woman capable of making any man happy and with whom he had flattered himself he should pass a life of sober rational delight Again she was a kind of outcast like himself and their fortunes by a similar chain of circumstances pointed them out as fit partners for each other It is not justice then to say he barely regretted her loss He mourned it honestly sincerely mourned it Indeed so much that had he been given his choice
to have had her restored to life or Annette unmarried he would not have hesitated a moment so much was generosity in him above selfinterest
All that he could now do was to pay what respect was in his power to her memory He procured her to be buried in the cathedral had a small but elegantly designed monument erected over her grave drew the design and wrote the epitaph himself in which was prettily introduced her maiden name her name by her first marriage and that which she owned when she died concluding that he disconsolate as he was evidently deserved her less than either her father or her first husband for she had fled from him to join them
This image poetically put had as the reader sees capabilities and Charles so improved upon them that his pen did not shame his conception
These preparations took up nearly seven weeks for Charles would not stir from the spot till he had seen them finished The exemplary conduct of so respectable a young man drew a crowd of friends about him and his lodgings were thronged with a number of the first people in the neighbourhood who called on him with compliments of condolence all which he received with an unaffected dignity
peculiar to himself till at length having settled every thing to his satisfaction he left Rochester with the title of The pattern for husbands
All this train of circumstances I thought it better to dispatch at once than to introduce Figgins before I could give him a clear course
When Figgins and Mrs Marlow came within a mile of Rochester it was agreed that he should get out and saunter slowly on in order that she might break the ice for him When she came to the Bell however a waiter was sent with her to Charless apartments where being immediately conducted to the ladys chamber and finding her in the condition I have described all ideas of any other circumstance or person upon earth utterly fled from her She thought no more of Mr Figgins than of the man in the moon On his part when he came to the inn and upon enquiry found how matters were he felt that he could not have chosen a more improper moment than the present and therefore determined to wait a day or two or till he should hear from Mrs Marlow
The next morning however Mrs Hazards death happened and when Mrs Marlow had refreshed
herself after her fatigues with a little sleep it came into her mind that Figgins must be at the inn
It will readily be seen that this event sad as it was had abated Mrs Marlows anger against herself for both our hero and Annette being at that moment single the mischief she had done was as she thought not now irretrievable
It was a sad moment to be sure but still her tongue itched to inform Charles that Sir Sidney was his friend and that there was no further obstacle except poor Annettes unhappy indisposition to the completion of his wishes She could not however help throwing out a few hints This she took an opportunity of doing that very evening while Charles was contemplating with sober awful attention the features of the poor lady who was then lying in her shroud After a long and silent examination of that dreary state of sad mortality that state so much courted yet so little desired an involuntary sigh escaped him and he uttered
There certainly is a resemblance
A resemblance of what said Mrs Marlow near whom he did not seem conscious he was then standing
Oh said Charles starting I had forgot you
were here What did you say
Nay said she I asked you what you said
Upon my word I have forgot answered Charles but I know I was thinking that poor Annette here—
Annette said Mrs Marlow no thank God she is not here nor in this shocking state Annette Lord sir what made you think of Miss Annette
Miss Annette said Charles Is she not—
No that she is not cried the good old lady she is not married nor has she been It was a report and a lie circulated by that devil Gloss and three days after I had written you word of it I could almost have cut off the very fingers that held the pen which wrote such false news No sir thank God that villains reign is over Sir Sidney will beg your pardon and you will be restored to his friendship
Charles stood in such astonishment while he heard these words that he could not prevent her uttering them The moment she had done so however he replied
I hope all this may be found true but it would be indecent indeed at present to enter into it further The most desirable expectation upon earth should not prevent me from doing my duty here
Ay ay you again said Mrs Marlow God bless you for it Will any body make me believe you wont at last be perfectly happy But I beg your pardon I wont say another word only this that poor Mr Figgins has repented of all his villany and you have not a better friend in the world
Figgins said Charles Impossible
Indeed sir it is not said Mrs Marlow for he is now at the inn and dares not come into your presence for fear you should not pardon him although he would lay down his life to receive forgiveness at your hands
She then produced the three hundred and fifty pounds and began to enumerate so many proofs of his conversion that Charles in spight of himself heard her to an end and when he had done so was upon the point of dispatching a messenger to Figgins to see him immediately but Mrs Marlow said it would be better to send to him that night but not to appoint him till the morning for he would be greatly affected at a proposal of being kindly received and it would give a little time to prepare him for such a meeting
This was well put in by Mrs Marlow for it ensured
Figgins a kind message which must inevitably be the harbinger of a reconciliation
The next morning the breakfast things upon the table and our hero sitting thoughtfully while he looked at a book which he could pay no attention to Figgins was ushered in by Mrs Marlow He was beginning with a low inclination of the body to make a speech when our hero taking him by the hand interrupted him with
Mr Figgins I beg I may not hear a single retrospective word If it can be possible that you ever did me any ill office it must have been through the blind influence of false gratitude Sense of obligation to a rascal made you perhaps a little unjust yourself It is not till lately I have seen this nor did you very likely at the time At any rate my mind is now in no state for investigations therefore I beg our conversation may be on no topic that may divert it from that object on which it is fixed—For the rest I freely give you my hand and as I am sure we ever had a regard for each other let it in future continue without interruption
My incomparable friend exactly said Figgins Oh God sir I wish you would permit me to give way to what I feel But I suppress it Yet I shall never be happy till by shewing you what I
have been you shall see what I truly am How could I—but I have done Only let me say that this is the happiest moment of my life because it is the most honourable
After some hours Charles began to be greatly pleased at having Figgins with him in this extremity He had suffered much poignant uneasiness from reflecting that he was again without a single friend Figgins had been the only man he had ever considered in that light To him he had given his unreserved confidence The lighter and more youthful of his pleasures had been pursued in his company which though perhaps not the most worthy yet are unceasingly the most endearing In short Charles was melancholy he was fatigued at heart by looking at nothing but unpleasant prospects real pain and certain disappointment Not that his grief was of that very apparent kind which pained every body who witnessed it He had no opinion of that sorrow which vents itself in cries and lamentations His was ardent and honest but it was decent and manly Thus no friend ever came more opportunely With Figgins he could divide it from him he could receive as much consolation as such grief was capable of admitting There were collateral considerations also that weighed in this business Figgins had known poor Combrie had
assisted in obtaining that very fortune part of which Charles had now in his possession and it gave him a melancholy pleasure to reflect that their returning friendship would be cemented by so awful a circumstance as Figginss performing the last mournful rites to the poor deceased lady
Thus consoled Charles consulted his friend in every step he took and they both became so fond of their solemn office that no other subject intruded itself till after the day that hid the ladys cares within the silent tomb
Into that tomb however I shall not descend nor shall I say any thing more about it than that from the moment it was completed to Charless satisfaction no stranger ever visited Rochester cathedral but was particularly shewn it and told its history
From the interment to the time of their quitting Rochester Figgins took every opportunity of opening his grand battery which he begged he might preface with a history of himself that his friend might see what sort of men there were in the world and how easy it was to pass art and wickedness for wisdom and goodness He assured Charles it would take a burthen off his mind that never could be lightened but by a free confession that it was the
only lurking uneasiness that remained and that once dissipated he should never again suffer a single moments care but on the contrary if he were prohibited from the only means that could relieve his mind his whole life would be imbittered with the recollection that his happiness was incomplete
At length Charles growing more and more composed in his mind Figgins was permitted to say what he pleased which favour obtained he began as follows
My dear sir let me premise to you never take into your favour a man whose origin or education has placed him in the way of imbibing low or vulgar prejudices In proportion as he has ability enough to think for himself he will from a captious consciousness of inferiority fancy himself in as natural a state of warfare with his superiors as the crow does with the eagle and will supply in cunning what he wants in strength
These being his affections should an opportunity serve of mending his fortune what are then his reflections Why truly that superior talents have done that for him which ungrateful fortune neglected to do He therefore transfers the obligation from himself to his patron and with all
the low cunning of a tricking servant he will do his utmost to undermine that interest it is his duty to promote At the same time there are some few examples to the contrary Very few however for he the world calls an upstart is very feldom indeed known to be grateful
How must it be then when one lowly born bred in a school situate in the midst of every species of wickedness stimulated to all the licentious practices of broils and riots and practised only in art and craftiness meets at his setting out in the world with a man who makes a point of chusing him out for this very unluckiness and who means to use no part of his qualities but those which are to disgrace him in the eye of every honest man
These are the portraits of Mr Standfast and myself I think not my birth a disgrace for my parents were honest I think not my education an unavailing one because I imbibed the same principles of learning as I should have done at the best school but as till I was almost a man I mixed with none but the most filthy vulgar what wonder if low cunning and subtle artifice made up my mind for how but by the use of such talents could I ever hope to rise in the world And
then as if a single spark of virtue—which God knows I honestly believed had no existence but in idea—was likely to check this worthy belief in stept Mr Standfast who assured me that no man not born to a fortune ever rose to one without certain talents which he called superior genius but which I now denominate rascality
In short I was to be placed about you as a sort of evil genius and to give me as much power as possible over you that is to say as much hold as possible on your generosity you were to seduce my sister and I was to overlook it whereas I never had a sister nor was that woman any more than a common creature of the town In short all you saw at my house was a delusion calculated for the purpose of introducing you to me and giving you fresh apparent proofs of Mr Standfasts attachment probably lest you should discover the villany he happened then to be practising against your father
Here Mr Figgins gave a copious detail of all the reader knows already relative to the measures carried into effect by him and Standfast both against Charles and his father honestly stating how far he took shame to himself in this business
and shewing when he first began to feel repugnance
In short he did not omit a circumstance which I have already related and having fairly opened our heros eyes as to Gloss Sir Sidney and every one else concluded with assuring him that the baronet was ready to take him heartily by the hand make him a concession for his unkind and unmerited coolness and beg to be admitted into his friendship with more warmth than ever
Figgins wound up this period pretty warmly and then added
to which happy reconciliation it is needless to say will succeed your marriage with Annette from which pleasure—due alone to two such hearts—may I ever be excluded if I cease to be worthy its contemplation
To this succeeded a conversation consisting entirely of remarks The whole of Standfasts conduct was taken piece meal and commented on as far as it was consistent with Figginss compact with Emma and Charles plainly saw that but for that viper both his father and mother might have been alive in all probability at that moment
As to Figgins himself Charles did not choose to
let his opinion of him take date earlier than his reformation since which he was charmed with every action
Sir Sidney and his family were by this time in Warwickshire Nothing however hard as his inclination spurred him could induce Charles to pay his respects to the baronet before he discharged his debts in London He panted to find himself once more a free man in his own country Sending Mrs Marlow therefore before him whose presence was particularly wished—for more than one reason—by Emma our hero and Figgins visited all the quondam proprietors of the impartial newspaper and paid off their demands nor did they beget a little consternation among them by saying that the cause was now taken up in so spirited a manner that a public print would shortly come out which must be the inevitable destruction of all the rest for it would expose their partiality their bribes their connections together with all the names of those who were their supporters and abettors and in short their whole arcana from such
authority as the whole world would know in a moment to be authentic
So far did they carry this that hand bills were immediately dispersed holding out in such feasible terms a plan for the destruction of these diurnal locusts that private terms of conciliation came to them from two or three of the most vulnerable which they to foment the matter still more published in a second hand bill
At length having enjoyed a complete laugh at them and been joined by the town they went into the country and left them sweating with suspense
The meeting between Charles and Sir Sidney was truly affecting The noble candour of the baronet the manly honesty of his selfaccusation had in it a dignity of soul highly admirable He thought nothing a condescension which could serve to assure his young friend how deeply he felt the recollection of his former slights and suspicions nor did he spare either his penetration or his justice for having admitted them for a single moment to take place in his mind
He declared he had ever held it as a maxim that
the most glorious moment of a mans life was that in which he acknowledged and repented of an error and so heartily was he at that instant ashamed of his conduct in relation to Charles that he should never have forgiven himself if it had not convinced him at the same time of his valuable friends unparalleled virtue that it was the very fire out of which that virtue came pure from the trial
Charles who endeavoured in vain to prevent this declaration had nothing for it but to palliate the blame Sir Sidney had so handsomely thrown on himself He said under such delusive influence it was impossible but he must have fallen in with the opinion of others for that the very goodness of his heart would naturally incline him to credit so many well confirmed circumstances It was the business of those who had attempted his downfal to stick at nothing They had their private motives of which it was impossible he should see the extent nay as their villanies involved so many important circumstances a nice investigation of which was necessary to effect their detection it was extremely difficult as well as dangerous for a friend though ever so zealous to offer any thing in his defence while on his side conscious of the integrity of his
own motives Sir Sidney must ultimately have condemned him as deficient in every delicate feeling if he appeared forward to deprecate anger which he had neither provoked nor merited
He said much more to this purpose and concluded with entreating Sir Sidney to believe that could he have satisfied his own susceptibility there was no moment during the whole time he had the misfortune to labour under his ill opinion that he would not have gone any length to have effected a reconciliation That reconciliation was now he thanked God complete without any conduct derogatory to the honour of either and it should be the business of his life to preserve so valuable a friendship uninterrupted
Lady Roebuck received Charles as the son of her deceased friend She found him just what she wished but not more than she expected She thanked heaven that so perfect a good understanding had happily taken place and declared except a tinge of unhappiness at the situation of Annette she had not now another wish to gratify
Emma did no more than receive her king and render him her allegiance She told him he was
welcome welcome as the rain to MARCUS AURELIUS though like that he came a little of the latest but that it was not a time to talk for like that general she had mentioned
now they were refreshed they had yet a battle to gain
A consultation on the measures necessary to be taken was now proposed previous to which however Charles warmly entreated to see Annette with whose melancholy situation Figgins and Mrs Marlow had gradually acquainted him He was told the sight of her would greatly shock him that she knew nobody that she was continually buried in profound meditation and yet there was a distinction in her manner of noticing those who were near her if it could be called noticing them for she testified less melancholy when Emma was present than any other person except Mrs Marlow upon whom she would sometimes look and sigh
Oh God said Charles and shall such angelic sweetness be lost to the world Does she never speak
Never said Lady Roebuck any thing but one remarkable sentence which we will not anticipate you shall hear it from herself
Charless curiosity was now whetted to its keenest edge and he most servently entreated he might immediately see her
Emma undertook to enquire if it was a proper time and returned with information that she was then lying asleep with her head on Mrs Marlows lap Charles begged he might see her in that situation which would take off in some degree the shock of his first interview and afterwards leaving her undisturbed he should be more calm and better prepared to bear a second
This being agreed to they all repaired to a drawing room where the beautiful insensible lay on a sofa reclined in sleep in the exact situation that Emma had described
Charles devoured her lovely form with his eyes It was the Annette he had seen covered with innocent confusion at Aix la Chapelle it was she who tore his heart with apparently unjust anger the night before he left England it was she he had seen in so many delusive dreams she for whom he had vented so many unavailing sighs she his soul adored she for whom alone he wished to live she whom he was doomed—though now found—to lose for ever
These were the glowing ideas which our hero felt but dared not utter It was Annette he beheld and yet her pallid cheek—which spoke at once her distress and resignation—forced from him first a starting tear then a profound sigh and afterwards in spight of all his efforts an exclamation of
Oh heavenly God do I live to see this
At these words Annette started from her sleep looked wildly round her then upon the ground then sighed then played with her hair then starting from the sofa walked towards the window replaced herself on the sofa sighed again and then significantly moving her head she exclaimed
Oh no—I am sure my poor Charles is not a villain
And is this the sentence I was to hear cried Charles And can my Annette think of me In madness think of me Kindly think of me I cannot bear it No my life cried he throwing himself at her feet your Charles is not a villain he loves you tenderly dearly loves you and would give his life to purchase for you a single glimpse of returning reason Look on me my Annette Speak to me She will not
My dear Mr Hazard you have greatly agitated her said Lady Roebuck Heaven send
it may be a fortunate symptom At present I think we had better leave her Mrs Marlow will give us an account of the effect this interview has on her spirits
WHILE these matters were carrying on at Sir Sidneys Gloss was occupied or at least appeared to be so in discharging his public duty and giving ministerial dinners Nor did this great man dream while he feasted upon muffins and paragraphs for breakfast in London that a stroke was meditating in Warwickshire which all his influence backed with all his cunning would be found ultimately insufficient to parry
He knew of Charless marriage and therefore was not at all surprised either that he should return and discharge his debts—for no man had it more clearly in his power than Mr Gloss to ascertain that Charles was a man of strict honour—or that he should threaten to take vengeance on the venal herd of diurnal scribblers for he also well knew that our hero was both capable of planning such a castigation and resolute enough to inflict it
To say the truth the necessity he should lie under as he conceived of learning our heros measures and being active in circumventing them together with the pains he took to quiet those who feared they should smart under the lash that seemed to be preparing for them and which their own fears magnified into something worse than that they richly merited at the carts tail induced Mr Gloss to overstay his appointment with Sir Sidney who by the advice of Emma—without whose concurrence nothing of moment was now undertaken—wrote him a letter and gently upbraided him for neglecting his private concerns though at the same time it was impossible the letter said too much to admire that public virtue which was the cause of it
Stupid dotard said Gloss to himself as he read the letter I have infatuated the old blockhead
What however would he have said had he known that in return for the treachery by which he had influenced Sir Sidney to write that unjust letter to Charles when in France Charles himself stood at the elbow of Sir Sidney and approved of the honest duplicity contained in the letter now written as a snare to detect his villany
In order to this detection and indeed to the detection of a great deal more as it was necessary to
tread on very tender ground the confederacy agreed that Charles and Figgins should take up their residence at a distance from Sir Sidneys that Emma should appear gradually to waver in her sentiments on the representation of Mrs Marlow who was to tell a long story of having left him in consequence of improper conduct to her daughter This in particular was hit upon as it would be taking the very tone Gloss had himself often sounded
These resolutions and a letter received from Mr Gloss informing Sir Sidney that he would wave all considerations of engagements with ministers offices councils and levees to attend the more welcome duties of love and friendship induced the two friends to be expeditious in taking their departure previous to which however Charles earnestly solicited one more interview with Annette
She had manifested uncommon inquietude ever since she had been so agitated at the sight of Charles nor could all their endeavours though she continued perturbed and restless induce her to utter a syllable unless he was shewn to her at a distance which he had been three or four times by the advice of the physicians Upon one of these occasions she cried
It is false thats not Gloss
and
upon another she uttered in a scream
Hide yourself hide yourself in France theyll put you in prison
At length they kept him from her and then she began to be inquisitive concerning him In one of these moods he appeared before her and for a short interval while she ceased her loquacity and was lost in profound meditation he looked on her with inexpressible tenderness heaving an agonizing sigh and sheding a burning tear The sigh attracted her attention and as she vacantly regarded him she cried
Who are you If you were not lovely like my Charles I should call you Gloss He sighs he sheds tears but his sighs carry the contagion of a pest and his tears are the tears of a crocodile Sir I have the best father in the world He married me to one villain to protect me as he said from another Is the vulture a kinder friend to the lamb than the eagle But see how people may be deceived It was only a deceitful mirror a false medium for sir calumny is not content with wounding but poison must follow the bite But why wound me—Pity that excessive tenderness should inflict misery I must never smile again else I could laugh out to think that the best wisdom will sometimes sink
to the worst folly for Sir Sidney Roebuck is my father I have two mothers yet no mother at all They are both angels one of them in heaven as some think and the other—Oh No man but my father could deserve two angels He is an angel himself I was right then to marry Gloss I was right to obey my father I will sacrifice my life for him but I wont sacrifice my understanding for any body Sir unhand me there is not a word of truth in all you say You soar above him Grovel lay prostrate like your soul in villanous filth You traduce him Did all the fiends your fellows surround me did a thousand deaths await me were I obliged to give you my hand in marriage I would abash you I would strike you to the soul I would chill you with horror and say—that my poor Charles is not a villain
Here she was seized with strong convulsions and then put to bed after which recourse was immediately had to medical assistance
The next day she became more composed and at intervals had some dawn of reason.—Charles however was carefully kept from her especially
as she appeared in imminent danger which circumstance also out of tenderness was carefully kept from him
As there are a prodigious number of circumstances which I must now clearly and therefore gradually develope I shall regularly bring forward such characters as may be useful to me in the prosecution of this task and first Mr Balance whom I certainly did not intend to celebrate as an honest lawyer upon the credit of one or two upright actions for I must have been a novice indeed had I not known that the evidence ought to be very strong and convincing that could substantiate so uncommon a fact
Let it be known that Mr Balance began to entertain a tolerable good opinion of Charles earlier than many others of his friends and it arose from this circumstance When he received an order to grant Figgins that annuity of a hundred pounds
formerly spoken of our hero was certainly in the worst disgrace with him and this matter remaining unexplained for a considerable time nobody was forwarder than Mr Balance to blame his conduct in the presence of Sir Sidney nay I question whether Mr Gloss himself did him as far as it went more injury in the opinion of the baronet for even Emma could not consider him as interested in his affairs but as it is the nature of goodness to enumerate the errors of others with reluctance so it is to feel the warmest anxiety to atone for its own.
So it happened with Mr Balance When Figgins called upon him not more to receive his three hundred and fifty pounds which were due to him and which we have seen him so handsomely refuse to appropriate to his own use than to solicit his hearty concurrence in Emmas measures he was so charmed with Figginss selfcondemnation and the brilliant character he gave of his friend that he very naturally asked—and indeed the reader will ask too—why he had not come to him sooner
It has been seen however that what Figgins and Emma were agitating was of two great a magnitude to be slightly touched on but a circumstance happening just at that time which gave them
reason to believe that Mr Balance would not only be a very useful but a very willing assistant—for I have said that his foible though an attorney was to detect rascality—Figgins paid him a visit and after an hours conversation that gentleman inlisted under Emmas banners
Had not our hero decamped to France in that precipitate manner a few days from that period might have made him happy in the possession of Annette to achieve which enterprize Figgins as we have seen called at his house The necessary steps however to bring about that desirable event if it should ever take place requiring his presence they were obliged to be deferred He is now upon the spot and I beg the readers attention while I trace out those steps one by one
Scarcely had Charles and Figgins situated themselves in their new residence when Mr Balance called on them with whom—in company with some necessary persons employed on the occasion—they proceeded to Hazard house and knocked very peremptorily at the door
Finding the Lady Dowager alone Mr Balance told her that he came vested with authority to restore the rightful Lord Hazard to his title and estate
which information the lady affected at first not to understand and afterwards to treat with great contempt but being told that Mr Tadpole was in custody and had made an ample confession she seemed greatly shocked Catching however at every straw she endeavoured still to stem that torrent which seemed ready to engulph her nor would acknowledge any thing; till at length being told that the sum of Mr Tadpoles confession was that he had been legally married to her ten years that consequently her subsequent marriage with Lord Hazard was illegal her children illegitimate and of course that no bar stood between Charles and the possession of his title and fortune she acted a part something in the same style in which we were sometime ago so amused with the vagaries of Mrs OShocknesy
Now the fact was that Mr Tadpole was not in custody nor had he made any confession He was only kept out of the way by one of Kiddys cute manoovres as he called it who to be plain having been sometime an accessary and at length a principal in Emmas plots suggested the properest mode of carrying this one into effect for said Kiddy
if we attack the rum squire he will be peery and prevaricative but if we whiddle a little to maam though she is as fly as Satan
guilt will fly in her face the pearls will trickle and we shall have her as snug as be damned—Lord forgive me for uttering such a word
Mr Tadpole as had been concerted in due time made his appearance He bounced and flew about but being convinced by incontrovertible documents that he was completely discovered became at length tame and threw himself on our heros mercy who put a finish to the business by assigning Mr Tadpole and his lady for the present that residence he had taken for Figgins and himself and assuring them that though he should enter into a severe scrutiny of all their conduct relative to the management of the estate since it had been in their hands yet on account of his brothers children the justice he should be obliged to use should be tempered with as much mercy as the nature of such a case would admit
Here let me for the sake of truth relate a most extraordinary trait of superior female cunning I have said that Mrs Tadpole—for we shall call her so in future—had her doubts as to who slept with her at Lisle but that those doubts had subsided and that at length she had fully believed it could be no other than Charles Can it be credited that she was inspired with hope from the recollection of
this circumstance and that she flattered herself should she take a favourable opportunity of representing it privately a repetition of the crime might give her a power over him What a pity that Figgins who thought as Kiddy has it ploughing with the heifer might work out something for the general good should undeceive her which he did and so render all her schemes abortive
The documents which were explained to Mr Tadpole I shall now explain to the reader It will be remembered that Kiddy on his return to England called on Mr Standfast with an intention of giving up Mr Tadpole but that he suddenly altered his resolution attached himself to that gentleman and gave up his benefactor Kiddy knew of the marriage of Mr and Mrs Tadpole and it must have been something of a very particular nature indeed predetermined as he was to disclose it that could prevent him from doing so—The fact however is as I have related it and it was not till the nice train of circumstances conducted by Emma carried into effect by Swash and his daughter and at length supported by Figgins had properly worked upon him that he wavered in his attachment but even when he had done so nothing could be adduced against Tadpole but Kiddys ipse dixit which was grounded upon a
confession of the gentleman and lady during a squabble when they were in France and when they thought Kiddy out of earshot
Without collateral evidence therefore nothing could be done This Kiddy contrived to procure and it was not long before he suspected that he should get at it through a gentleman who in a very importunate way would sometimes call on Mr Tadpole for some hints that constantly passed between that worthy wight and his lady after he was gone convinced Flush that he knew something of their private affairs
One day as this gentleman was descending the staircase after a long and pretty loud conversation with Tadpole the latter followed him saying
You may make yourself very easy for I will send to you on Wednesday by the post
This was heard by Kiddy from the butlers pantry into which pantry on the following Wednesday he coaxed the footman who was entrusted with the letter and after giving him as he called it his dose he contrived to get the letter from him under a pretext of looking at the direction and then exchanged it for another which he had
previously written and which the poor footman who as Kiddy knew could not read carried to the postoffice
Kiddys letter was as follows
TO THE REVEREND Mr FIGGINS
WE begin to be down upon them the Lord be praised I shall tell you all how and about it tomorrow Blow me Mr Figgins if I dont think this repentance will be the saving of my precious soul
Thy brother sinner K FLUSH
As soon as Flush was alone he broke open the other letter the cover of which was directed To Mr Skinks and described his residence in London It contained these words
I have considered the matter and really think you are too peremptory What I have promised is very handsome and I will not consent to a tittle more If you think it will better suit
your purpose to turn about do so with all my heart If you know my secrets recollect that yours are also known to either—at your own option—your firm friend or determined enemy
This letter by the advice of Emma was immediately conveyed to Figgins who upon consulting with Mr Balance and putting different circumstances together began to have a strong suspicion that he himself had lent a helping hand in the business of Mr Tadpoles marriage
Tadpole as the reader knows was an attorneys clerk Be it now known that Skinks was an attorneys clerk also but having been guilty since the expiration of his article of many nefareous practices in the way of his profession he became among many other rogues of the same description well known to Mr Balance who happening just at that time to have him under his thumb told Figgins that he had no doubt but he should bring him to reason
Figgins consented to use Mr Balances authority as a corps de reserve but thought it a good thing previously to worm a confession out of Shinks himself
For this purpose he called on him and pretended that he was commissioned by Tadpole to settle once for all their dispute
As Figgins familiarly mentioned the business of the marriage and ventured a few guesses at circumstances which might probably belong to it the other entered into the business candidly enough till at length Figginss suspicions were confirmed and he was enabled to speak to it from his own knowledge for he found it to be this
When he was a bridewell boy he was applied to by a gentleman to carry him and another up the river in one of those barges which it is well known the bridewell boys are very expert at rowing
This expedition was to Wandsworth It was conducted in the night and Figgins and another who were let into the secret understood that it was set on foot for the purpose of stealing a young lady from a boarding school and that the friend of the gentleman who hired the barge was to be married to her
Being at that time anxious to get at as much of this secret as possible—probably from as honest a reason as that which now impelled the conduct of
Mr Skinks he took the proper methods which he could do as cunningly as any body to trace the conduct of the parties and soon found where the marriage rites were performed
This however accomplished and concealment being no longer necessary Figgins profited in no way at that time by the intelligence he had been so solicitous to procure It being now however singularly serviceable to his friend he rejoiced that it had struck him to use it
The reader is now ready to ask why Mr Figgins did not recollect all these circumstances at Lisle To which I answer that Tadpoles real name was Poach which when he first conceived that very honest intention of marrying his wife to Zekiel he warily changed that he might be the less liable to a detection and as to their persons he did not see either of them at the time of the elopement but very imperfectly having never been in their company but between the hours of eleven oclock at night and five in the morning
Skinks however who managed every thing he recollected perfectly well both as to his name and his person and the whole business would long before
have occured to him but for the change of Poach into Tadpole
Pretending to leave the negociation open between Skinks and Tadpole he hastened to Mr Balance who first imposing the most profound silence upon Skinks under pain of inflicting that punishment he knew he had incurred procured all those documents the sight of which as I have said so completely silenced Tadpole consisting of a certificate of the marriage an avowal of every thing under Skinkss hand—which he readily gave upon reading Tadpoles letter—and a few other necessary matters
Thus having made my hero a lord and given him a noble estate I shall proceed to see whether he stands a chance of ever possessing that content without which in the opinion of many grandeur and riches are only a substitute for happiness
As I flatter myself the reader will give me credit for a complete knowledge of the power and effect of contrast it will not be thought impolitic in me to bring forward our old friend Standfast in opposition to Mr Balance But exclusive of this artificial way of introducing him I have now a very natural one for as this history is drawing apace towards its conclusion it certainly could not have been complete had I neglected to record in the fullest manner what became of a character who had filled in it so distinguished a situation
Mr Standfast and his lovely partner since their mortifying disappointment on Zekiels accession to his fortune had figured away with various success At one time they were rolling in splendour at another frightened at bailiffs till having been concerned
in pharaoh banks E O tables lottery offices and every species of gambling either brilliant or contemptible according as their circumstances varied they were at length reduced to the most mortifying poverty
Just at that time the change of the ministry as I have already recorded placed Gloss—who be it known had never turned tall on his old friends—in a responsible situation under government They now resolved that Mr Standfast should become a contractor by which means they very soon reestablished themselves in tolerable opulence and here a very striking reflection presents itself that just as the pupil Charles was compelled by the loss of his fortune to quit the worthy employment of dispensing benefits and relieving the necessities of the poor and oppressed the tutor Standfast should make a fortune by administering to folly and wickedness and oppressing and grinding the unfortunate and necessitous
In this situation had they for some time continued when Charless sudden advancement to a coronet gave them to fear that something was
rotten in the state of Denmark
What however they could not devise Sir Sidney had certainly
taken careful measures to appear perfectly indifferent as to what concerned Charles but yet it was a moot point with Gloss whether he was a friend or an enemy for as Annette was carefully kept from him and Emma in spight of all her caution could not help occasionally a little exultation his arts—especially as it was necessary to lay them on thicker than ever and as every body knew them to be so many barefaced falsitics—were so apparent that it really became an irksome task to have him about the baronets family although they were under the necessity of doing so till they should be able to accomplish their coup de grace
About this time he received a letter from Standfast which informed him that the ministry were again tottering He therefore hastened to town and finding that the intelligence was but too true a scheme was concerted between these amiable friends to embezzle certain monies which they well knew where to lay their hands on and decamp into a foreign country
This however could not be effected without the previous concurrence of certain men called clerks in whose possession were books and tallies and other documents by means of which alone they could obtain a right to receive these said monies
These documents they hoped to procure through the influence of our old friend Viney who had held a lucrative situation under Gloss ever since he first came into office but a younger clerk who happened to be a youth of honour and spirit and who had very nearly been put out of office because he had threatened to chastise this old sinner for most scandalous conduct to his sister a beautiful girl of thirteen conjectured by circumstances what was going forward
In short in attempting to possess himself of the necessary papers Viney plainly found by the steps that had been taken to prevent his intentions that he was discovered and therefore lest he should be involved in the guilt went directly and gave information against his two friends who holding his conduct in equal distrust got intelligence of his treachery in time as they imagined to ward off its consequences
Neither Standfast nor Gloss had been idle for though they could not accomplish their grand point they nevertheless got together a pretty round sum which was at that moment deposited in Standfasts bureau and as a coup de maitre it was agreed that Gloss should force Annette from her father with
an idea that after possession by means of marriage or any other means Sir Sidney would not only be glad enough to make peace with them but give his daughter a fortune These were his words when he proposed the matter to Standfast
As to the boy Charles he can never marry her but this is no time for investigation As to Sir Sidney he will be glad enough to come to terms when the injury is in any other way irreparable If not she is the only woman I ever loved and if possession should cloy that love she is very beautiful and will always fetch a good price
I do not know that I have ever before made Mr Gloss speak without disguise and I almost hope even now that the reader will disbelieve that such a man could ever impose upon Sir Sidney But nothing can be clearer than that such conduct is not only in nature, but that it is practised every day and practised successfully Goodness neither knows nor suspects the snares of villany which covers itself in a veil so truly the hue of virtue and which in this instance wore so completely that appearance to the eyes of Sir Sidney that till he saw in his last visit the soul of Gloss in its own filthy colours so free was he from a practical knowledge of what qualities vice was formed he did not
believe so vile a human monster could infest the face of the earth
The poor fond infatuated Standfast on his part was also determined not to leave his partner behind him and therefore having previously agreed with Gloss on a meeting place hastened home that like an obedient wife she might pack up her alls and accompany him
Reader I do not think I have given thee a more sensible pleasure throughout this work than thou wilt now receive when I inform thee that he found his house in confusion his bureau broken open and stript of every thing and the dear partner of his soul decamped with his kind friend Dogbolt
Were I perfect in the duty of a historian I ought here to describe that hell his mind but as no reader will be so unreasonable as to expect a description of what no words can express I shall content myself with saying that no reprobate ever swore more volubly no dancingmaster ever capered more curiously no bedlamite ever raved more incoherently In the midst of this paroxism he felt himself suddenly held down by two men who thinking probably that a strait waistcoat was not strong enough to hold so violent a maniac put him
on a pair of handcuffs and with the assistance of several others carried him away in a hackney coach
Mr Gloss on his part made the best of his way into Warwickshire determined to carry off Annette let what would be the consequence He knew he must act very craftily and therefore took care properly to instruct his emissaries by one of whom—indeed the very same gentleman who accompanied Annette to town in the chaise—he received intelligence that the young lady was much better and now rode out every morning for an airing either with Lady Roebuck Emma or Mrs Marlow
When last Mr Gloss had been in Warwickshire he had taken uncommon pains to insinuate himself into the good graces of this old lady who also appeared to pay him extraordinary attention to say truth an attention that rather bordered upon inquisitiveness and which he would have repulsed if it had not struck him that it might lead to the accomplishment of this scheme which as his dernier resort he always had meditated
He had now no doubts could he get Annette at a distance from home through the connivance of Mrs Marlow but he should complete his design
He thought he had discovered that the old ladys passion was avarice for he knew that the whole story of her having quitted Charles on account of her daughter was trumped up nay he had told her so and had got from her a reluctant confession that her inducement to take that step was a wish to shelter herself comfortably for the remainder of her life at a distance from a turbulent young man who though he had good qualities would never do any good either for himself or any one else
Possessed as he imagined of so much of Mrs Marlows private sentiments he thought he might without danger tamper with her a little further and for that purpose sent a servant on horseback to say generally at Roebuck hall that Mr Gloss proposed to pay that place a visit in the course of a few days to which effect he also wrote a note to Sir Sidney but informed Mrs Marlow privately by another note that he had some most particular business with her which he must explain that evening and would attend her wherever she should appoint He took care however so to qualify that note by introducing such circumstances relative to her that it must have told against her had she either partially or generally shewn it to any one
Mrs Marlow made a great many difficulties but
at length consented to meet him at the bottom of the garden which in fact she did He lamented his situation said he plainly saw that Sir Sidney would go with the stream that she had herself allowed in former conversations that he was avaricious and therefore she must see the temptation a coronet held out would not be resisted that if he could be favoured with an interview with Miss Roebuck without her fathers knowledge he was sure he could lay such convincing proofs before her of the propriety of his conduct and the impossibility even now that she could honourably become the wife of that young upstart as he had no doubt would conquer all scruples
He promised Mrs Marlow mountains if he succeeded and at length it was agreed that he should come upon them as if by accident the following Thursday at an appointed spot before which time Mrs Marlow told him there would be no opportunity as Lady Roebuck would till then accompany her daughter and on that morning she would have a particular engagement at home
Those readers who are sorry to see this apparent desertior of principles in Mrs Marlow will be more so when they are told that on the following Thursday when she was to ride out with Annette
in order to keep the coast as clear as possible that Mr Gloss might put his design in execution—for not to disguise the truth he had at a second interview informed her of the whole—the moment Gloss appeared at a distance she sent the footman for some purpose or other back again so that there was no one to oppose what was agitating but an old and almost helpless coachman
This being the signal agreed upon Gloss sprang forward and seeing some horsemen on a hill before him which he took for his myrmidons he soon came up to the side of the coach Mrs Marlow pretended great surprise at seeing him and after some general conversation asked if he would not walk in This he eagerly consented to and the coachman got down apparently to open the door
Hearing horses and seeing men in great coats he now expected to find the coachman seized as had been agreed on and the coach box mounted by different men to whom he had given such instructions What then must have been his astonishment when he himself was seized and told there was a warrant against him for murder
Who dares accuse me said Gloss very peremptorily
I dare said Emma who personated
Annette
And I said Mrs Marlow who prepared the snare that brought you into the hands of justice You are my son and I cut you off to cure my honour as I would amputate an infected limb to preserve my life
THE reader having seen that Mrs Marlow instead of acting the treacherous part of a faithless servant had assumed all the dignity of a Spartan mother it may not be amiss for the satisfaction of my readers to see how she became that mother
It will easily be recollected that in the second volume of this history I gave a hint that Emma had made a very singular discovery on hearing the particulars of Mrs Marlows story This discovery was no less than that Standfast was the very clergyman by whom that poor lady had been seduced through the connivance of her aunt when little more than an infant
She recollected to have heard that there had been a similar accusation against him when first he lived chaplain to Major Malplaquet and now having
learnt the maiden name of Mrs Marlow she found that she must have been the innocent victim whom she had always understood he had treated with uncommon cruelty For the remainder of her intelligence she received it first from Figgins and afterwards through Swash from Flush who had lived with him at the time and was in the plot but as her communication with Kiddy had been ambiguous and guarded till some little time before the grand eclaircissement she had only learnt that Gloss was the precious fruit of that illicit amour in time to make it the climax of her discovery to Sir Sidney
The reader recollects—which will illustrate this matter better—that while that close intimacy subsisted between Charles and Gloss Figgins was of the party who from some circumstances that came within his knowledge learnt that Gloss did not go to the Cape of Good Hope This induced him to think oddly of his connexion with Mr Standfast but he did not find it worth his while to investigate it till Emma went to France at which time he undertook to gather all the intelligence he could for her at home that had it been necessary to make her grand discovery there she might be in possession of facts of magnitude sufficient to have induced Sir Sidney to discard Gloss Thus she learnt by a
letter from Mr Figgins three days before the business of Aix la Chapelle that Gloss was the son of Standfast but she never divined the rest as I have just said till after repeated conversations with Mrs Marlow and Kiddys confirmation of those suspicions that arose out of it
Thus in different stages of this business she used as much of this fact as she thought necessary for her purpose She told Annette in France she could blast Mr Glosss hopes whenever she pleased she told Mr Gloss before Sir Sidney it would be seen WHO he was she imparted the secret to Mrs Marlow and finally through the proper and heroic feeling of that good woman she now held him her captive and was determined to give him up to that justice he had so studiously laboured to abuse
This connexion of father and son will naturally account for the blended interest of Standfast and Gloss and also for the congeniality of their sentiments nay it will take off an imputation from me for as I may be almost accused of representing nature in too odious a light by bringing forward two characters so shockingly profligate so the probability of their being so is considerably strengthened when it is found that the same blood ran in the veins of both nay such pains had been mutually
taken that the emulation of the son might be worthy the instruction of the sire—for vipers and doves are equally fond of their offspring—that it is not astonishing Mrs Marlow should be so shocked with Gloss at the time Charles was arrested or express that detestation which was inspired by the remarkable resemblance of both his person and manner to those of Standfast
But says the reader did it never occur to Mrs Marlow that this very same Standfast was her betrayer There is great singularity in this circumstance Mrs Marlow did not know Charles till he was nearly ruined and it cannot be forgotten that Standfast giving up his situation as an actor in this play of human life had retired and become a prompter long before that period Therefore not seeing him on the stage she did not know that there was any such person employed in the theatre Charles never detailed his affairs and though she knew the sum of them she was ignorant of many of the particulars till she began to converse with Emma who after all was extremely cautious of letting her into so much of them as might impede any of her measures Therefore it was not till after Charles went to France the second time and she had had frequent conversations with Emma and Figgins that she came at this truth which at
that time Emma was the more anxious to investigate finding it would be a matter of infinite import to ascertain that Mr Gloss was the son of Mrs Marlow by Standfast And on the other hand that I may make this matter perfectly clear as Standfast went to Flanders before the good lady in question was married he never knew her by the name of Marlow I could have strengthened this elucidation by noticing that Standfast like Atall in the play had a different name at that time for every different intrigue but as Mrs Marlow knew him by his real name I did not chuse so to violate my historic veracity as to make out a case by the insertion of a falsity
It now becomes necessary to illustrate two or three points that I may give a clear stage to some principal actors who are presently to make their appearance
I have said in its place and since hinted that Kiddy had been very much shocked at some proposal or other made him by Standfast so shocked indeed that it wrought in him an entire reformation and attached him to the interest of his patrons declared enemy I have also said that when Figgins went to expostulate with Standfast he in the course of that expostulation became witness to such a
scene of altercation between that gentleman and Mrs OShocknesy as begat some suspicions in his mind of a very horrid nature
I have all along represented Kiddy as a very weak but not a very wicked character He had from his low origin his mean education his grovling propensities been taught to consider Mr Flush as a superior genius or as he called it geno and thus he firmly believed that the consummation of all human perfection was the accomplishment of a welldigested fraud but Kiddy always took care as he phrased it to draw the line lest as he cunningly observed the line should draw him
Thus were your wife or daughter to be seduced your purse stolen your reputation destroyed by treachery and cunning Kiddy would lend a helping hand with all the veins in his heart—his language again—but as to going upon the highway or being guilty of any other dishonest act which the law denominates felony in that case no crown lawyer ever knew better how to discriminate than Kiddy And this the reader when he recollects his outset in life will see he was taught by that first of masters experience
In short seeing men of the first fortunes and abilities
constantly employing them to impose upon their friends and neighbours he only looked upon it as selfdefence to arm himself with the same arts for said Kiddy
In this here world I cant for my part see why a man has not a right to be as bad as his betters
Having therefore such an aversion to a halter no wonder that Kiddy should be so affronted at a direct proposal from Standfast to commit an act for which had it been discovered he must have been hanged nor was it an unnatural transition fond as he had been of that fun called human misery to see all of a sudden that he had delighted in it a little too much but as turn which way he would he was in such a situation that he could not help imposing upon somebody he covered his hypocrisy with the veil of religion to rub off slighter sins and those that bore too heavy on his recollection he drowned in a dram for said Kiddy
though every coge is a nail in my coffin if I do but repent before I am put into it the grim jockies may screw me up and welcome
To shew however the prevalence of custom upon human nature Kiddy very little considered that in the midst of his repentance he was accessary to a fraud of great magnitude namely the keeping
Charles out of his fortune nor would he in all probability ever have taken any steps to restore him to his right had not this laudable conduct as we have seen been suggested to him by Emma through Swash nor even then had not the measures to be taken involved in them a positive necessity of imposing upon Tadpole This last imposition however being on the side of honour and virtue Kiddy began to feel that however it might be clever to be a rogue it was more comfortable to be an honest man
The repentance of Figgins as the reader knows was better confirmed though as there is weakness in every kind of wickedness so it was certainly assisted by finding in consequence of what dropt from Mrs OShocknesy that Standfast had himself perpetrated the very crime which he had vainly persuaded Flush to commit
One moment more and the reader shall know what this crime was and also that it has been very often hinted to him
It will be recollected that Standfast did not accompany Mrs OShocknesy into Warwickshire probably as he was grown remarkably hipped
owing to his being led by his lady the life of a dog as Jerry Sneak calls it and as he was eternally tortured with his own reflections he might be afraid of ghosts I have said they were driven to the verge of poverty from which nothing could relieve them but the death of Lord Hazard I then say
what joy to find Lord Hazard no more
The reader is upon the point of asking
By what means no more
Again I compare Standfast to Barnwell who murdered his benefactor which indeed did Standfast or he must have been foully belied for just at the period to which this history is now arrived he was in company with his son Gloss brought before Sir Sidney for that murder
Here it will appear that there was good reason for managing so adroitly the delay from the Monday till the Wednesday of Glosss pretended interview with Annette It has been said that there is no snare for bringing a man into a scrape like a woman This proved to be the case both as to Standfast and as to Gloss differently however one was betrayed by adhering to a fiend and the other punished for aspiring to an angel
Standfast was taken into custody in town through the vigilance of Mr Balance but Gloss was not to be found therefore when Sir Sidney discovered
that he was in Warwickshire it required the intervention of a few days to procure the warrant that had been granted against him as well as to bring Mr Standfast to that spot where the crime had been committed
Let us now suppose Sir Sidney upon the bench Charles Mr Balance and Figgins by his side and Standfast and Gloss brought before him on a charge of that murder for which we have seen them apprehended
Flush deposed what has been related concerning the proposal made him by Standfast Figgins explained the nature of his suspicions and his consequent conduct and Mr Balance said from the pains he had taken to investigate the business there could be no doubt as far as presumption went but that the prisoners were guilty
And so presumption is all you have against us said Gloss
And this said Standfast upon the evidence of a rascally servant a false friend and a meddling attorney
Here they became turbulently insolent when the baronet commanding silence and addressing himself to Standfast said
Unhappy man I have a
witness that shall strike terror to thy very soul that presumptuously shameless as thou art shall sicken thee with horror See who enters at that door
Had Standfast seen a spectre the spectre of Lord Hazard he could not have been more appalled—
By hell it is all over said he to Gloss I thought the rascal had been dispatched
This witness was John who was tutored as we have seen to refuse the half guinea from Dogbolt who was placed about Charles at the express stipulation of Standfast—not only that his ruin might be more certain but that the conduct of Mr Figgins might be well watched lest as it happened in the case of Kiddy he should not be staunch to the interest of the confederacy—who intercepted all the letters who returned expressly to murder his lord who did not seem to arrive however till two days after the murder was committed who then though callous to the core appeared to weep over his masters corpse but who had since lived in such a state of agonizing horror and remorse that he now came to make an ample confession
John after displaying a natural and pathetic picture of his own penitence told a most horrid tale
By large bribes and larger promises he had been prevailed upon to murder his old master For that purpose he stole into the house on the fatal morning and took away the pistols which were hanging in Lord Hazards bed chamber He afterwards surprised him in the garden but he declared that when he looked in his poor wronged old masters face which was now grown pale and ghastly owing he had no doubt to that distress which he himself had caused by so often falsely accusing his son all his resolution forsook him and he had not the cruel courage to perpetrate the deed Standfast seeing this rushed from a shrubbery where he had concealed himself lest they should miscarry and as Lord Hazard flew to him for protection and while he was in the attitude of lifting his hands and eyes to heaven that had mercifully sent such a friend to his assistance the unmanly hardened hellish monster cowardly murdered him
To this he added that after the murder was accomplished but not till then—for Standfast was not fully satisfied with his sanguinary exploit till he had convinced himself by a cautious examination that there was no symptom of returning life—the murderer with great coolness placed the pistol that was discharged close to the body and put that which was yet loaded into the coat pocket which is the
precise situation in which the reader will recollect they were found
John also said that fearing he should be hanged for the part he had taken in this shocking business he did for some time whatever he was bid by Standfast and consented to any wickedness that was proposed to him but his conscience being at last heavily loaded—for which he was often ridiculed and sometimes threatened by Standfast—he was upon the point of giving himself up to justice when it struck him to consult his old friend Flush who he understood had repented and then lived a religious life
Flush who the reader knows was at that time seeking for every kind of evidence to serve Charless cause had known John said a great deal of his former wickedness and it was agreed that at a proper time he should be called forward to atone for it by a true confession of all he knew concerning the murder
That confession added John I have now made and it has taken such a load off my conscience that though all good men must hate me here and I dare not expect mercy hereafter my poor heavy heart will be something lighter when I reflect that I have brought such a
villain to justice to revenge the murder of so good a master
Johns repentance Standfast all along had not only feared but he had determined to guard against its consequences He called him a halfbred villain one who would certainly one day or other squeak
Impressed with these suspicions he consulted Mrs OShocknesy upon the propriety of putting him out of the way She at a proper time to quiet him—which accounts for his exclamation just now to Gloss—told him it had been done by Dogbolt but indeed it was the last thing Dogbolt would have done or she permitted for as that gentleman and lady had for some time determined to get rid of Mr Standfast so it did not appear to be their interest to keep any witness out of the way who should it be necessary might facilitate his being hanged
The evidence being closed Mr Standfast was committed to Warwick jail for the murder of Lord Hazard and Mr Gloss was told there was not sufficient proof against him to criminate him
Then I demand my liberty said Gloss very exultingly
Not quite so fast sir said Sir Sidney You must be remanded to London to answer there a charge of fraud and perjury
Of which should I be convicted said Gloss I shall still be happier than your intended son in law The worst that can happen to me is to be sent to a prison from whence for the world wants talents I shall soon be released after which I shall cut as splendid a figure as the best and drink the pleasurable cup of life by perhaps flattering the foible of some fool who like you may pride himself upon virtues attributed to his ancestors which they probably never possessed while his portion shall be bitterness and misery for to be completely happy he must possess your daughter which he cannot do having already married—her mother
NOT a single returning day had passed since the reconciliation between Charles and Sir Sidney but brought with it some new proof to the latter how egregiously he had been imposed upon by Gloss and what noble firmness there must have been in the mind of our hero who though he panted for an explanation scorned to capitulate for it dishonourably
But what were Sir Sidneys feelings when he found that the knave who had thus practised upon his credulity was the son of him who by a long cool deliberate series of unexampled villany had first ruined the peace and then destroyed the life of his friend and benefactor
Oh how he was roused His good sense his friendship his generosity his every seeling seemed
insulted And then the taunting impudence of that insinuation concerning his ancestry which as Sir Sidney indulged it was surely a right and laudable pride shewing by what means he had led him into a belief of the most gross and palpable falsity He felt affronted and ashamed and was at a loss to account for the motive that could have induced him to admit such a creature into his conversation He alike reproached himself for having communicated with the viper and thanked providence that had rescued him from its fangs
Yet what was all this compared to that thunderbolt which Gloss in his wanton wicked lust of mischief had now hurled at these happy friends The pestiferous breath as it uttered the terrible words affected the hearers like a contagion and it is but too true that he had the insulting triumphant unmerciful pleasure to see both Charles and Sir Sidney appalled and confounded
As the reader is of course full of anxious expectation I shall now proceed to a nice investigation of all that train of circumstances which led Mr Gloss to the knowledge of whom our hero had married
The reader will instantly recollect that Sir Sidney
at the latter end of the first book speaks of a lady in the convent that Annette when an infant used to call Mamma Le Clerc It will also easily be remembered that Mr Ingot gave Lord Hazard an account of a Madmoiselle Le Clerc who had some business with Sir Sidney and that this account tallied so exactly with the story of Annettes mother as to confirm both Lady Hazard and Lady Roebuck in an opinion that it could be no other than her
This Lady as we are informed by Emma left some jewels at Sir Sidneys but she refused at the instance of one of the gentlemen who accompanied her to leave a packet of papers
I will now be honest enough to declare that this gentleman was no other than Combrie and his reason for advising the lady not to leave the papers arose from a sear lest Sir Sidney should actually know who she was and discover what were then her intentions The same reason induced him to prevail on her not to see the baronet in town
The third person who was as I have said deputed by the convent to receive the fortune was our old friend Goufre and it was from this journey Combrie became so well acquainted with all his affairs
nay he had attended the young lady with a view to have surprised the vigilance of the procureur and have secured her fortune when in England which circumstance I also hint in the second volume but this however not being practicable he had afterwards recourse as we have seen to other methods which were attended with better success
It has been related that on Mrs Hazards monument at Rochester were placed her maiden name the name of her first husband and of that she owned when she died This circumstance superadded to some intelligence obtained from one of the firm of Bondham and Co—indeed the very gentleman who afterwards went to Botany Bay—confirmed Mr Glosss conjectures He had however a great deal of collateral intelligence one of his emissaries having been constantly stationed by the side of our hero who had he attempted to return to England had instructions to lay him by the heels either in Flanders or on his arrival just as might be most expedient to assist the purposes of Mr Gloss Finding however that marriage had barred every passage that could lead to the possession of Annette he at first made himself perfectly easy but when he heard of the death of Mrs Hazard and found that these impediments were removed he was obliged
to cast about in his mind for fresh matter and after straining his ingenuity and putting a variety of circumstances together taking a hint from the name of Le Clerc upon the monument he found out what I have no doubt the reader will be heartily sorry for
It will immediately occur to the reader that both Charles and Figgins must have been acquainted with all this matter and yet it is very certain they were not The history of Annette was known only to five persons namely Lord and Lady Hazard Sir Sidney and Lady Roebuck and Emma Three of these did not know the whole truth Thus the name of Le Clerc was never uttered to Charles nor Figgins as the name of Annettes mother nor to Sir Sidney as the maiden name of Mrs Combrie or if it had it probably would not have induced any suspicion of so extraordinary and unlikely a circumstance as this for Le Clerc in France is as common a name as Smith is in England
It also looks singular that Charles should not know the private story of his wife or that she should be ignorant of his but she is mentioned early in life to have been engaged in an intrigue and it is probable that she thought youthful folly was not a proper thing for a husband to be entrusted with
and as to him I have already noticed his remarkable delicacy towards Annette as well as that she greatly commended him for it Besides had there been no other reason the state of Mrs Hazards mind and health must have been such as to have precluded the smallest likelihood of retrospective investigation between them on subjects which could only have been developed through the medium of great curiosity and long intimacy neither of which as the reader sees obtained in the present case and therefore nothing could be further from the mind of either than that their union involved in it so momentous and mysterious a circumstance
During the journey that Emma persuaded Sir Sidney to take into France it cannot be forgotten that every possible enquiry was made by the baronet concerning Annettes mother He however only learnt as I there say Ingots story and also that Miss Le Clerc had shifted her quarters to another convent where they either could not or would not give any account of her The fact was that as the elopement of a nun from a convent in France is never like a runaway from a boarding school in England advertised in all the newspapers but on the contrary kept as snug as possible their enquiries were looked upon as little more than impertinent curiosity which will indeed be readily believed
when it is considered that the convent of our lady of the ascension at Nancy—which was the very place our travellers went to—had been pretty well scandalized by the business of Madame Combrie already and therefore they were very little likely to gather any intelligence from thence Indeed the matter was so taken in dudgeon that had Sir Sidney stayed any considerable time and repeated his solicitations it is within possibility that he might have been considered as an accessary to the fact of Combries procuring the fortune from Goufre and so have been accused of the very fraud which he had been so angry with Charles for committing—Thus as we have seen he came away from France no wiser than he went there
The reader will now see that as the parties had no sort of communication with each other it was impossible they should compare notes consequently no one of them in such a length of time had entertained the smallest suspicion of what now in one moment appeared to be beyond a doubt
I have two or three times hinted—for I did not chuse to do any more—that Mrs Combrie resembled Annette and there are several passages in this work where the reader would very strongly have scented
this game if I had not opportunely put up some other to divert his attention
The blood hound Gloss however has at length sound it and like all prey started by such sanguinary hunters it leads us a tedious chase only to bring us to the knowledge of mischief
To leave every thing but plain narration never was there apparent happiness so dashed by certain disappointment Every comparative circumstance served to confirm the fact and misery seemed now to confound the innocent with the guilty till at length Emma herself after torturing probability by every ingenious and subtle investigation her invention could supply—all which at an earlier period perhaps I should have given at length—was compelled to confess that there was novelty in every thing relative to our lovers for that contrary to all established rules they were born to be virtuous and unhappy
I know not if I have introduced any thing into this history so truly pathetic as what it is now my reluctant duty to mention The health of Annette was only completely confirmed on that very day when the whole family were convinced she could not bless him for whom alone she wished to live and
she was welcomed to reason only to be plunged into misery worse than madness The delight that every one felt at once more beholding the angelic innocence of her soul conveyed by those benevolent smiles which now spoke her thankful joy was dashed with a mixture of agony sighs were mingled with congratulations tears choked the utterance of pleasure an universal gloom pervaded those faces that fain would have beamed with the willing smile of grateful transport and every one out of pity advised a suppression of that wretchedness which no one could conquer
Too plainly did poor Annette perceive the misery that these inexperienced dissemblers vainly endeavoured to hide Did she ask if her father was well yes was the answer and a profound sigh followed it One began to give her pleasure by an account of the reconciliation of Sir Sidney and Charles and interrupted the relation with a flood of tears From Sir Sidney from Lady Roebuck from Emma from Charles himself she found no better comfort till at length her gentle mind was so wounded and distressed that she seemed like an innocent victim recovered from one torture to be tormented with another still more ingenious
However I may be partial to sportive writing I
really think that in this place it would be both impertinent and unfeeling to tantalize the reader who now begins to think that I have introduced a set of characters which I hold up as models of virtue and goodness only to reward them with unmerited misery and hopeless wretchedness but I flatter myself I shall not be accused of this unnecessary wantonness I do no more than my duty and against all such censure I shall defend myself by noticing that I undertook nothing in this task but to record facts and if I leave the more amiable part of my groupe of characters as miserable as those whose practice has been knavery and villany I shall not even in that case have deserted probability nor have inculcated a useless lesson of morality since to leave goodness in distress is to enforce that highest of moral duties resignation
Mr Balance who had been to town for the purpose of seeing that the prosecution against Gloss was properly carried on was also determined to search as deeply as possible into the truth of this unhappy affair and while he was thus employed it happened that he was called upon by a gentleman who said he had very particular business with Sir Sidney on this very subject With this gentleman Mr Balance returned to Warwickshire where he told Sir Sidney that from what he could gather he feared the wretched tale was but too true
It will be remembered that Charles knew in the south of France a father Fitzgibbon who told him that in three years from that time he should have some business in England and would then call on him in London Our hero gave him a direction to Mr Balance who he knew would be his man
of business and who whether they were friends or foes would of course forward any thing or person to him
It will also be recollected that Mrs Hazards monument at Rochester from which Mr Gloss received some of his intelligence was shewn to all strangers It appears therefore feasible enough that Father Fitzgibbon in his way from Dover to the capital should have seen it
Father Fitzgibbon was the person now introduced by Mr Balance who had scarcely exchanged the usual compliments with Charles when he admired by what remarkable and extraordinary means the strangest discoveries are brought about In short it appeared that he was the intimate friend of Combrie and had received the greatest obligations from his family that he had known him the whole time he meditated the elopement• with Miss Le Clerc and indeed was the very friend who had equipped him with the dress in which he so successfully personated father Benedict He had also connived at the business of the keys and lent him much other material assistance which he was the better enabled to do as he was well acquainted with Goufres affairs and then belonged to a convent at Dieulewar about two leagues from Nancy where all intelligent
travellers to that part of France have been informed there is such a convent made up of English Irish and Scotch and where they brew very good beer
Fitzgibbon mentioned the business of Miss Le Clercs journey to England and of Combries preventing her from leaving the papers at Sir Sidneys adding that those papers had at length been entrusted to him and that as he understood they contained something of consequence he had deferred
sending them by another to use his own words till he had an opportunity of delivering them himself
So saying he gave the packet to Sir Sidney who in a moment knew and proclaimed that the hand writing was that of Annettes mother
Then I am right I find said Fitzgibbon—
Too right cried one
Fatal confirmation sighed another
Cruel destiny said a third—
Unheard of misery exclaimed a fourth
In short the whole company exhibited such tokens of wretchedness that the Irishman cried
Why by my soul one would tink by all these destinies and fates and long faces that I had brought over the plague sealed up in a letter Upon my
honour and conscience I only discharged the promise I made poor Mrs Combrie four years ago who desired me moreover to add that every syllable was authentic for in that paper would be found the ladys dying words in her own hand writing
It occurring in a moment to every one present that if Mrs Combrie four years ago had given Fitzgibbon the dying words of somebody else written in a hand which Sir Sidney knew to be that of Annettes mother Mrs Combrie could not be that mother every countenance immediately underwent a total change and what had been but the moment before certain misery was now sweet expectation This was immediately evinced by a volley of opposite exclamations at which Fitzgibbon exclaimed
Pray good folks is it Bedlam I am in By my soul you seem first to be crazy and afterwards distracted
By this time Sir Sidney having ran over a part of what the packet contained found abundantly enough to convince him that there was no farther bar to the happiness of his daughter and our hero To be brief from the papers backed by what Fitzgibbon had learnt from Mrs Combrie it appeared that she was certainly the Mamma Le Clerc formerly
mentioned for that Annettes mother had left her infant daughter to her care requesting she would contrive to convey her to Sir Sidney which commission through the medium of the nuns of St Claire as we have seen she faithfully executed
The sentiments the distresses the very names of Mrs Combrie and Annettes mother bearing so strong a similarity it is not at all extraordinary that there should be this strict friendship between them or that this assimilation of circumstances should beget a likelihood that they were one and the same person The conduct of the two fathers also is remarkably similar and it would be extraordinary if it was not They were both bigotted catholics and both punished the disobedience of their daughters by shutting them up in a convent which is only two instances out of two thousand or very likely ten thousand upon the records of French nunneries where the same crime has been punished in the same manner We have heard that the father of Mrs Combrie died in England They now learnt that the father of Annettes mother died in Italy after he had given the whole of his fortune to the church
Fitzgibbon got the laugh completely against the company in the course of investigating all these matters
He said that after all they were sad bunglers at a discovery for added he
though you have only just found it out by my faith you knew it well enough long ago
and really if it were not highly indecent to get the laugh against the reader I should be tempted to follow the Irishmans example and indulge myself at his expence for it certainly ought to have occurred to him that each of these ladies had a Christian name and if it had he would have know that the Christian name of Sir Sidneys Miss Le Clerc was Annette and that of Combries Miss Le Clerc was Araminta
This very circumstance of the difference in the Christian names accounts for the whole and shews how much deeper fear impresses us than hope—Araminta was the name placed upon the tomb and had it been proper to have questioned Gloss as to where he got his intelligence his answer must have developed the whole mystery nay lest it should be penetrated by the reader it may be recollected that I took advantage of the mistake of Charles who absorbed in thought called Mrs Hazard Annette by mistake as she lay in her coffin
Thus I have gradually and naturally unravelled all that mass of entangled circumstances that stood between our hero and the possession of his wishes
I shall not offer on my labours a single comment If they embrace any important purpose if they inculcate any useful moral or serve occasionally as objects of warning or imitation in the various pursuits of life I shall have exercised a pleasing duty and shall not fail to receive the thanks of every man of reason and honour as my reward
As Annette was recently recovered from so severe an indisposition and as there were some other very serious matters to settle it was agreed that her union with Charles should be deferred till their approaching grand feast which was to be celebrated in about a month
I shall take that interval to give a very summary account of what became of the other characters which I have introduced into this work
Standfast actually did what Swash pretended to do He poisoned himself in his cell to prevent his trial The interval between his commitment to jail and his defrauding the hangman exhibited a most frightful example to all villains It consisted of alternate fits of intoxication In some of these he execrated and blasphemed in others he trembled with terror at the horrid images his fancy created
to torture him One hour he howled in an agony of apprehension in another raved in a paroxysm of imprecation till at length his son Gloss affectionate and considerate to the last prevailed on a common friend to visit him who well tutored for the purpose induced him to save the disgrace that would be entailed on his memory by an ignominious death and anticipate his fate by poison
Gloss himself had the address to turn this circumstance to his own account intimating that they had among them made away with his father for fear circumstances not altogether so pleasant should come out on the trial As to his own fate it was this He was put in the pillory where he harrangued the populace to such good effect that he persuaded them the constitution of their country was rotten that the grossest abuses were practised by those who were entrusted with the public concerns and so completely did he for the moment work upon the peoples credulity that when he returned to prison the horses were taken from the hackney coach in which he rode and the deluded populace with one consent yoked themselves in their place exactly the same as if they were honourably conducting some patriot who had done an essential service to his country
In process of time he was liberated since when he has lived in various circumstances by depredations on the public and at this hour goes about like the arch fiend his principal seeking whom he may devour
Mrs OShocknesy who had robbed Standfast scarcely arrived on the continent when she was robbed and deserted by Dogbolt After this she herded with a set of contrabanders and at length—first being detected and branded—she finished her career diseased loathsome and a pauper in the Hotel de Dieu
As to Tadpole and his wife as they knew that a retrospection would bring out every particular of their nefarious conduct they thought it expedient to meet their examiners half way Charles found the estate rather improved than injured by Tadpoles management and therefore scrupled not to pay such bonds and fulfil such other engagements entered into by his brother as did not strike at the terra firma of his ancestors He also agreed to a handsome provision for the children one of whom at this moment is the best horse jockey and the other the best maker of nutcrackers in the kingdom
Tadpole with this money and what he had privately amassed launched boldly into his own profession of attorney to which he added that of money lender and has accumulated an immense fortune by administering to the necessities of young men of fashion under age not scrupling occasionally to lend the person of his cara sposa—on whom he doats to distraction and who rules him with a rod of Iron—to bind an advantageous bargain
The penitent John was put by Kiddy into the hands of a methodist preacher to complete his conversion but the good man going the wrong way to work by terrifying instead of soothing him his brain was at length touched and he finished his life and his misery together by a rash leap into Swashs millstream
As to the sinner Kiddy as he used to call himself he lived for some time pretty comfortably on a handsome annuity that Charles had granted him but having frequented meetings conferences and lovefeasts till his senses were a little deranged he first slanged himself as he called it behind the door and being cut down the shock so preyed upon his spirits that doubling his visits to the brandy bottle he is said literally to have gone out
of the world with a dram in one hand and a homily in the other
At length came the day which was to unite perhaps the most elegant and accomplished pair that ever graced the altar of Hymen The grand feast was conducted with prodigious splendour which the reader will the more readily conceive when he adds to the former description of this festival the additional exertions upon the present happy occasion
Every friend within the knowledge of any of the parties was invited and among the rest Ego Toogood and Musquito who spight of their jarring dispositions united in an universal acknowledgment that wealth worth and happiness were never more emulously blended together
A few words more will still be necessary The good Mildman in a very advanced age yielded his breath amidst the lamentations of his parishioners who sincerely mourned his memory as they accompanied his remains to their last home and who—all they had—as their only remaining tribute to his worth dropt the tear of sensibility on the grave of virtue
Figgins who married the amiable Jude succeeded
Mildman His reformation is perfect and confirmed and his conduct honourable and exemplary Blest with two such friends as Sir Sidney and Charles his happiness is complete His efforts at Castlewick in conjunction with those of Mr Friend at Little Hockley who is still alive though very old have rendered those industrious communities the emulation of each other
Mrs Marlow succeeded Emma as companion to Lady Roebuck Emma herself having at the earnest recommendation of the baronet married the butler now Sir Sidneys land steward She had long before as I hinted to the reader a sneaking kindness for him on account of his fidelity to his master in France This had improved to use her own words into esteem from her knowledge of him in the family and had been confirmed into love by his refusing to take a part against Sir Sidney in her grand plot which however worthy in her would in him have been treachery She has several children who instructed by her are become excellent English scholars for she does not chuse they should aspire to any thing more She is universally beloved and will be universally regretted On a conversation with Annette the other day in which this topic was touched upon she said that as her book of life now verged towards the last page it gave her great
satisfaction to reflect that she should not fear to look at the word Finis having inculcated in every line that goodness is the best security for happiness—
The hour of death added Emma for she is now grown rather sententious is the hell of the wicked the purgatory of the doubtful and the heaven of the virtuous
Mr Balance is still alive and as much respected as ever Sir Sidney who is Mr Balances senior by a year being now seventyfive is also living in all the vigour of health and strength He can still play at cricket and quoits and pitch the bar as well as ever and it was but the other day he was requested to let his name stand in a tontine instead of that of a fashionable young man of twenty The venerable and amiable Lady Roebuck is also living—Her employment is the care of our heros children out of seven three of whom are alive two boys and a girl The baronet has long since given over his idea of augmenting his grandeur as to himself but having recently
done the state some service
he is promised a peerage in favour of Charless second son by the name and title of Sidney Roebuck Earl of Castlewick
As to Charles and Annette little more need be said Complete in beauty goodness clegance and
virtue no wonder they are completely happy Nor is the goodness and virtue of this amiable community of friends selfishly consined It transfuses its conscious blessings to all around Charless darling passion for patronizing worth and merit aided by Sir Sidney flows now in its right channel All are sure of encouragement who worthily apply for it nor is there an individual in either Castlewick or Little Hockley that does not feel and enjoy the generous influence of their wideextended philanthropy
These fortunate places are now equally reasonable and equally happy Both know the advantages resulting from mild control and honourable obedience In short they are a type of the country at large—Every individual is thankful to the power that secures his safety protects his property and succours his family and there is not one among them stimulated by these principles, and encouraged by their patrons that would not nobly risk his life were it necessary in defence of the wisest of constitutions and the best of kings